Martin Luther King Jr.

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    <title>Martin Luther King Jr.</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T21:03:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Philip Cross</username>
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      <comment>Dr King was not a physician</comment>
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      <text bytes="436249" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Martin Luther King, Jr..jpg|thumb|We must discover the [[power]] of [[love]], the power, the [[Redemption|redemptive]] power of love. And when we discover that we will be able to make of this old [[world]] a new world. We will be able to make [[men]] [[better]]. Love is the only way.]]
Dr. '''[[w:Martin Luther King Jr.|Martin Luther King Jr.]]''' ([[January 15|15 January]] [[1929]] &amp;ndash; [[April 4|4 April]] [[1968]]) was an [[United States|American]] [[w:Baptist|Baptist minister]], [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights activist]], and recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize of 1964. He was the husband of [[Coretta Scott King]], and father of [[Yolanda King]] and [[Martin Luther King III]].
:'''''See also: [[I Have a Dream]]'''''
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|[[Injustice]] anywhere is a threat to [[justice]] everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of [[destiny]]. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.]]
== Quotes ==
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 2.jpg|thumb|We are reaching out for the daybreak of [[freedom]] and [[justice]] and [[equality]].]] 

=== 1950s ===
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 5.jpg|thumb|True [[peace]] is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of [[justice]].]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor Distant View.jpg|thumb|Men often [[hate]] each other because they [[fear]] each other; they fear each other because they don't [[know]] each other; they don't know each other because they cannot [[communicate]]; they cannot communicate because they are separated.]]
[[File:Der Kuß von Gerechtigkeit und Friede.jpg|thumb|Justice is love correcting that which revolts against love.]]
[[File:Castle Romeo.jpg|thumb|It is no longer a choice between [[violence]] and nonviolence in this [[world]]; it's nonviolence or nonexistence.]]
[[File:Deerfire.jpg|thumb|The absence of freedom is the presence of death. Any nation or government that deprives an individual of freedom is in that moment committing an act of moral and spiritual murder. Any individual who is not concerned about his freedom commits an act of moral and spiritual suicide.]]
:&lt;small&gt;There are often multiple sources for some famous statements by King; as a professional speaker and minister he used some significant phrases with only slight variation many times in his essays, books, and his speeches to different audiences.&lt;/small&gt;

* You [[know]] my [[friends]], there comes a [[time]] when people get tired of being trampled by the iron feet of oppression. There comes a time my friends, when people get tired of being plunged across the abyss of humiliation, where they experience the bleakness of nagging [[despair]]. There comes a time when people get tired of being pushed out of the glittering sunlight of life's [[July]] and left standing amid the piercing chill of an alpine [[November]]. There comes a time.
** [http://www.blackpast.org/?q=1955-martin-luther-king-jr-montgomery-bus-boycott Montgomery Bus Boycott speech, at Holt Street Baptist Church (5 December 1955)]

* We, the disinherited of this [[land]], we who have been oppressed so long, are tired of going through the long [[night]] of captivity. And now '''we are reaching out for the daybreak of [[freedom]] and [[justice]] and [[equality]].'''
** Montgomery Bus Boycott speech, at Holt Street Baptist Church (5 December 1955)

* We are here, we are here this evening because we're tired now. And I want to say that we are not here advocating violence. We have never done that. I want it to be known throughout Montgomery and throughout this nation that we are [[Christian]] people. We believe in the Christian religion. We believe in the teachings of [[Jesus]]. '''The only weapon that we have in our hands this evening is the weapon of protest. That's all.'''
** Montgomery Bus Boycott speech, at Holt Street Baptist Church (5 December 1955)

* We are not [[wrong]], we are not wrong in what we are doing. If we are wrong, the Supreme Court of this nation is wrong. If we are wrong, the Constitution of the United States is wrong. And if we are wrong, [[God]] Almighty is wrong. If we are wrong, [[Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]] was merely a [[Utopia|utopian]] dreamer that never came down to [[Earth]]. If we are wrong, [[justice]] is a lie, [[love]] has no [[meaning]]. And we are determined here in Montgomery to [[work]] and fight until &quot;justice runs down like [[water]], and [[righteousness]] like a mighty stream.&quot;
** [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/mia_mass_meeting_at_holt_street_baptist_church/ Address to the first Montgomery Improvement Association (MIA) Mass Meeting, at Holt Street Baptist Church (5 December 1955)]. &quot;Justice runs down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream&quot; is a quotation of [[w:Book of Amos|Amos]] 5:24 in the [[Bible]].

* Whatever we do, we must keep [[God]] in the forefront. Let us be Christian in all of our actions. But I want to tell you this evening that it is not enough for us to talk about [[love]], love is one of the pivotal points of the Christian face, [[faith]]. '''There is another side called [[justice]]. And justice is really love in calculation. Justice is love correcting that which revolts against love.'''
** [http://www.blackpast.org/?q=1955-martin-luther-king-jr-montgomery-bus-boycott Montgomery Bus Boycott speech, at Holt Street Baptist Church (5 December 1955)]

* '''True [[peace]] is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of [[justice]].'''
** In a 1955 response to an accusation that he was &quot;disturbing the peace&quot; by his activism during the [[w:Montgomery Bus Boycott|Montgomery Bus Boycott]] in Montgomery, Alabama, as quoted in ''Let the Trumpet Sound : A Life of Martin Luther King, Jr'' (1982) by Stephen B. Oates

* '''If you have weapons, take them home; if you do not have them, please do not seek to get them. We cannot solve this problem through retaliatory [[violence]].''' We must meet violence with nonviolence. Remember the words of [[Jesus]]: &quot;He who lives by the [[sword]] will perish by the sword.&quot; We must love our white brothers, no matter what they do to us. We must make them know that we love them. [[Jesus]] still cries out in words that echo across the centuries: &quot;Love your enemies; bless them that curse you; pray for them that despitefully use you.&quot; This is what we must live by. We must meet [[hate]] with love. Remember, if I am stopped, this movement will not stop, because [[God]] is with the movement. Go home with this glowing [[faith]] and this radiant assurance.
** King's words after a bomb was thrown into his house in Alabama, on 30 January 1956, in ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958)

* The apparent apathy of the Negro ministers presented a special problem. A faithful few had always shown a deep concern for social problems, but too many had remained aloof from the area of social responsibility. Much of this indifference, it is true, stemmed from a sincere feeling that ministers were not supposed to get mixed up in such earthly, temporal matters as social and economic improvement; they were to &quot;preach the gospel&quot; and keep men's minds centered on &quot;the heavenly.&quot; But however sincere, this view of religion, I felt, was too confined. &lt;br/&gt;Certainly, otherworldly concerns have a deep and significant place in all religions worthy of the name. '''Any religion that is completely earthbound sells its birthright for a mess of naturalistic pottage. Religion at its best, deals not only with man's preliminary concerns but with his inescapable ultimate concern. When religion overlooks this basic fact it is reduced to a mere ethical system in which eternity is absorbed into time and God is relegated to a sort of meaningless figment of the human imagination. But a religion true to its nature must also be concerned about man's social conditions. Religion deals with both earth and heaven, both time and eternity. Religion operates not only on the vertical plane but also on the horizontal. It seeks not only to integrate men with God but to integrate men with men and each man with himself.''' &lt;br/&gt;This means, '''at bottom, that the Christian Gospel is a two-way road. On the one hand, it seeks to change the souls of men, and thereby unite them with God; on the other hand, it seek to change the environmental conditions of men so that soul will have a chance after it is changed.''' &lt;br/&gt;Any religion that professes to be concerned with the souls of men and is not concerned with the slums that damn them, the economic conditions that strangle them, and the social conditions that cripple them is a dry-as-dust religion. Such a religion is the kind the Marxists like to see — an opiate of the people.
** ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958), pp. 28-29&lt;!-- New York: Ballantine Books, --&gt;

* We believe firmly in the revelation of God in Jesus Christ. I can see no conflict between our devotion to Jesus Christ and our present action. In fact, I can see a necessary relationship. If one is truly devoted to the religion of Jesus he will seek to rid the earth of social evils. The gospel is social as well as personal.
** ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958)

* The decision which we must make now is whther we will give our allegiance to outmoded an unjust customs we owe our ultimate allegiance to God and His will, rather than to man and his folkways
** ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958)

* &quot;We too know the Jesus that the minister referred to. We have had an experience with him and we believe firmly in the revelation of God in Jesus Christ. I can see no conflict between our devotion to Jesus Christ and our present action. In fact, I can see a necessary relationship. If one is truly devoted to the religion of Jesus he will seek to rid the earth of social evils. The gospel is social as well as personal..&quot;
** ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958); also quoted in ''The Life of Martin Luther King, Jr.'' (1982), by Stephen B. Oates, pp. 81-82&lt;!-- NY, Harper and Row --&gt; 

* The decision we must make now is whether we will give our allegiance to outmoded and unjust customs or to the ethical demands of the universe. As Christians we owe our allegiance to God and His will, rather than to man and his folkways&quot;
** ''Stride Toward Freedom'' (1958)

* '''I feel that segregation is totally unchristian, and that it is against everything the Christian religion stands for.'''
** In his letter to Sally Canada (19 September 1956), as quoted in ''The Papers of Martin Luther King, Jr'' (1992), by Carson &amp; Holloran, Volumes 2-3, p. 373

* '''In the struggle for human rights and [[justice]], Negros will make a mistake if they become bitter and indulge in hate campaigns.'''
** Speech delivered in Finney Chapel at Oberlin College (7 February 1957), as reported in [http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2008/01/21/when-mlk-came-to-oberlin/ &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise (The Chronicle-Telegram; January 21, 2008)]

* '''The non-violent Negro is seeking to create the beloved community. He directs his attack on the [[forces]] of [[evil]] rather than on [[individuals]].''' The tensions are not between the races, but between the forces of [[justice]] and [[injustice]]; between the forces of [[light]] and [[darkness]].
** Speech delivered in Finney Chapel at Oberlin College (7 February 1957), as reported in [http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2008/01/21/when-mlk-came-to-oberlin/ &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, in ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008)]

*Your problem is not at all an uncommon one. However, it does require careful attention. The type of feeling that you have toward boys is probably not an innate tendency, but something that has been culturally acquired. Your reasons for adopting this habit have now been consciously suppressed or unconsciously repressed. Therefore, it is necessary to deal with this problem by getting back to some of the experiences and circumstances that lead to the habit. In order to do this I would suggest that you see a good psychiatrist who can assist you in bringing to the forefront of conscience all of those experiences and circumstances that lead to the habit. You are already on the right road toward a solution, since you honestly recognize the problem and have a desire to solve it.
**[https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/advice-living-4 &quot;Advice For Living&quot;] (January 1958)

* Although the Montgomery council never had a large membership, it played an important role. As the only truly interracial group in Montgomery, it served to keep the desperately needed channels of communication open between the races.&lt;br/&gt;'''Men often [[hate]] each other because they [[fear]] each other; they fear each other because they don't [[know]] each other; they don't know each other because they can not [[communicate]]; they can not communicate because they are separated.''' In providing an avenue of communication, the council was fulfilling a necessary condition for better race relations in the South.
** In reference to the ''Alabama Council on Human Relations'', an organization which was joined by King, whose church's meeting room was used to hold monthly meetings for the Montgomery chapter the council. ''[[w:Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story|Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story]]'' (1958)

* '''Man is man because he is free to operate within the framework of his [[destiny]]. He is free to deliberate, to make [[decisions]], and to choose between alternatives. He is distinguished from animals by his freedom to do evil or to do good and to walk the high road of [[beauty]] or tread the low road of ugly degeneracy.'''
** ''The Measures of Man'' (1959)

* '''Today it is no longer a choice between [[violence]] and nonviolence; it is either nonviolence or nonexistence.''' It may not be that [[Mahatma Gandhi]] is [[God]]'s appeal to this age, an age drifting to its doom. And that warning, and that appeal is always in the form of a warning: &quot;He who lives by the [[sword]] will perish by the [[sword]].&quot; [[Jesus]] said it years ago. Whenever men follow that and see that way, new horizons begin to emerge and a new world unfolds. Who today will follow [[Christ]] in his way and follow it so much that we'll be able to do greater things even than he did because we will be able to bring about the peace of the world and mobilize hundreds and thousands of men to follow the way of Christ?
** [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/palm_sunday_sermon_on_mohandas_k_gandhi/ Palm Sunday Sermon on Mohandas K. Gandhi, Delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church (22 March 1959)]

* [[Tolstoy]], the Russian writer, said in ''War and Peace'': &quot;''I cannot conceive of a man not being free unless he is dead''.&quot; While this statement sounds a bit exaggerated, it gets at a basic truth. What Tolstoy is saying in substance is that '''the absence of freedom is the presence of death. Any nation or government that deprives an individual of freedom is in that moment committing an act of moral and spiritual murder. Any individual who is not concerned about his freedom commits an act of moral and spiritual suicide.'''
** [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol5/17July1959_AddressattheFiftiethAnnualNAACPConvention.pdf Address at the Fiftieth Annual NAACP Convention (17 July 1959)]

==== Rediscovering Lost Values (1954) ====
[[File:North America from low orbiting satellite Suomi NPP.jpg|thumb|The great [[problem]] facing modern [[Humanity|man]] is that, that the means by which we live have outdistanced the [[spiritual]] ends for which we live.]] 
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|The real problem is that through our [[scientific]] [[genius]] we've made of the world a [[neighborhood]], but through our [[moral]] and [[spiritual]] genius we've [[failed]] to make of it a [[brotherhood]].]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|The real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of hate and into the most damaging selfishness — that's the atomic bomb that we've got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem.]] --&gt; 
[[File:Meditating in Madison Square Park.jpg|thumb|&lt;!-- Sometimes ... it's necessary to go backward in order to go forward. ... We've left a lot of precious values behind; we've lost a lot of precious values. And if we are to go forward, if we are to make this a better world in which to live, we've got to go back. --&gt;  We've got to rediscover these precious values that we've left behind.]]
[[File:Lynching of Laura Nelson and her son 1.jpg|thumb|Some things are right and some things are wrong. ... Eternally so, absolutely so.&lt;!-- It's wrong to hate. It always has been wrong and it always will be wrong. --&gt; ]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Am Anfang schuffF GOtt Himel vnd Erden.jpg|thumb|Some things are right and some things are wrong, no matter if everybody is doing the contrary. Some things in this universe are absolute. The God of the universe has made it so. And so long as we adopt this relative attitude toward right and wrong, we're revolting against the very laws of God himself.]] --&gt; 
[[File:Flickr - USCapitol - Dr. King gave &quot;I have a dream&quot; speech ^onthisday in 1963, view his bust in Rotunda..jpg|thumb|The thing that we need in the world today is a group of men and women who will stand up for right and to be opposed to wrong, wherever it is.]]
[[File:1963 march on washington.jpg|thumb|It is not enough to know that two and two makes four, but we've got to know somehow that it's right to be honest and just with our brothers. It's not enough to know all about our philosophical and mathematical disciplines, but we've got to know the simple disciplines of being honest and loving and just with all humanity. If we don't learn it, we will destroy ourselves by the misuse of our own powers.]]
[[File:Crepuscular Rays at Noon in Saint Peters Basilica, Vatican City (5939069865).jpg|thumb|It's possible to affirm the existence of God with your lips and deny his existence with your life. The most dangerous type of atheism is not theoretical atheism, but practical atheism ... And the world, even the church, is filled up with people who pay lip service to God and not life service.]]
[[File:Job Confessing His Presumption to God Who Answers from the Whirlwind, object 1 (Butlin 461).jpg|thumb|We have so many conveniences and luxuries and all of that, there is the danger that we will unconsciously forget about God. I'm not saying that these things aren't important; we need them, we need cars, we need money; all of that's important to live. But whenever they become substitutes for God, they become injurious.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/rediscovering-lost-values-0 &quot;Rediscovering Lost Values&quot;, a sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''There is something wrong with our world, something fundamentally and basically wrong.''' I don't think we have to look too far to see that. I'm sure that most of you would agree with me in making that assertion. And when we stop to analyze the cause of our world's ills, many things come to mind. We begin to wonder if it is due to the fact that we don't know enough. But it can't be that. Because in terms of accumulated knowledge we know more today than men have known in any period of human history. We have the facts at our disposal. We know more about mathematics, about science, about social science, and philosophy than we've ever known in any period of the world's history. So it can't be because we don't know enough. And then we wonder if it is due to the fact that our scientific genius lags behind. That is, if we have not made enough progress scientifically. Well then, it can't be that. For our scientific progress over the past years has been amazing. Man through his scientific genius has been able to dwarf distance and place time in chains, so that today it's possible to eat breakfast in New York City and supper in London, England. Back in about 1753 it took a letter three days to go from New York City to Washington, and today you can go from here to China in less time than that. It can't be because man is stagnant in his scientific progress. Man's scientific genius has been amazing. I think we have to look much deeper than that if we are to find the real cause of man's problems and the real cause of the world's ills today. If we are to really find it I think we will have to look in the hearts and souls of men.

* The trouble isn't so much that we don't know enough, but it's as if we aren't good enough. '''The trouble isn't so much that our scientific genius lags behind, but our moral genius lags behind. The great problem facing modern man is that, that the means by which we live have outdistanced the spiritual ends for which we live.''' So we find ourselves caught in a messed-up world. The problem is with man himself and man's soul. We haven't learned how to be just and honest and kind and true and loving. And that is the basis of our problem. '''The real problem is that through our scientific genius we've made of the world a neighborhood, but through our moral and spiritual genius we've failed to make of it a brotherhood.''' And the great danger facing us today is not so much the atomic bomb that was created by physical science. Not so much that atomic bomb that you can put in an aeroplane and drop on the heads of hundreds and thousands of people — as dangerous as that is. But the real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of hate and into the most damaging selfishness — that's the atomic bomb that we've got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem.

* My friends, all I'm trying to say is that if we are to go forward today, we've got to go back and rediscover some mighty precious values that we've left behind. That's the only way that we would be able to make of our world a better world, and to make of this world what God wants it to be and the real purpose and meaning of it.

* Sometimes, you know, it's necessary to go backward in order to go forward. That's an analogy of life. I remember the other day I was driving out of New York City into Boston, and I stopped off in Bridgeport, Connecticut, to visit some friends. And I went out of New York on a highway that's known as the Merritt Parkway, it leads into Boston, a very fine parkway. And I stopped in Bridgeport, and after being there for two or three hours I decided to go on to Boston, and I wanted to get back on the Merritt Parkway. And I went out thinking that I was going toward the Merritt Parkway. I started out, and I rode, and I kept riding, and I looked up and I saw a sign saying two miles to a little town that I knew I was to bypass — I wasn't to pass through that particular town. So I thought I was on the wrong road. I stopped and I asked a gentleman on the road which way would I get to the Merritt Parkway. And he said, &quot;The Merritt Parkway is about twelve or fifteen miles back that way. You've got to turn around and go back to the Merritt Parkway; you are out of the way now.&quot; In other words, before I could go forward to Boston, I had to go back about twelve or fifteen miles to get to the Merritt Parkway. May it not be that modern man has gotten on the wrong parkway? And if he is to go forward to the city of salvation, he's got to go back and get on the right parkway. [...] Now that's what we've got to do in our world today. We've left a lot of precious values behind; we've lost a lot of precious values. And if we are to go forward, if we are to make this a better world in which to live, we've got to go back. We've got to rediscover these precious values that we've left behind.

* &lt;!-- I want to deal with one or two of these mighty precious values that we've left behind, that if we're to go forward and to make this a better world, we must rediscover. The first is this —  --&gt; The first principle of value that we need to rediscover is this: that all reality hinges on moral foundations. In other words, that this is a moral universe, and that there are moral laws of the universe just as abiding as the physical laws. I'm not so sure we all believe that. &lt;!-- We never doubt that there are physical laws of the universe that we must obey. We never doubt that. And so we just don't jump out of airplanes or jump off of high buildings for the fun of it — we don't do that. Because we unconsciously know that there is a final law of gravitation, and if you disobey it you'll suffer the consequences — we know that. Even if we don't know it in its [[Isaac Newton|Newtonian formulation]], we know it intuitively, and so we just don't jump off the highest building in Detroit for the fun of it — we don't do that. Because we know that there is a law of gravitation which is final in the universe. (Lord) If we disobey it we'll suffer the consequences. But I'm not so sure if we know that there are moral laws just as abiding as the physical law. I'm not so sure about that. I'm not so sure if we really believe that there is a law of love in this universe, and that if you disobey it you'll suffer the consequences. --&gt;

* We have adopted in the modern world a sort of a relativistic ethic ... Most people can't stand up for their convictions, because the majority of people might not be doing it. See, everybody's not doing it, so it must be wrong. And since everybody is doing it, it must be right. So a sort of numerical interpretation of what's right. But I'm here to say to you this morning that some things are right and some things are wrong. Eternally so, absolutely so. It's wrong to hate. It always has been wrong and it always will be wrong. It's wrong in [[America]], it's wrong in [[Germany]], it's wrong in [[Russia]], it's wrong in [[China]]. It was wrong in 2000 B.C., and it's wrong in 1954 A.D. It always has been wrong, and it always will be wrong. It's wrong to throw our lives away in riotous living. No matter if everybody in Detroit is doing it, it's wrong. It always will be wrong, and it always has been wrong. It's wrong in every age and it's wrong in every nation. Some things are right and some things are wrong, no matter if everybody is doing the contrary. Some things in this universe are absolute. The God of the universe has made it so. And so long as we adopt this relative attitude toward right and wrong, we're revolting against the very laws of [[God]] himself.

* Now that isn't the only thing that convinces me that we've strayed away from this attitude, this principle. The other thing is that we have adopted a sort of a pragmatic test for right and wrong — whatever works is right. If it works, it's all right. Nothing is wrong but that which does not work. If you don't get caught, it's right. ... That's the attitude, isn't it? It's all right to disobey the Ten Commandments, but just don't disobey the eleventh, &quot;Thou shall not get caught.&quot; ... That's the attitude. That's the prevailing attitude in our culture. No matter what you do, just do it with a bit of finesse. You know, a sort of attitude of the survival of the slickest. Not the [[Charles Darwin|Darwinian]] [[Survival of the fittest|survival of the fittest]], but the survival of the slickest — whoever can be the slickest is the one who right. It's all right to lie, but lie with dignity. ... It's all right to steal and to rob and extort, but do it with a bit of finesse. It's even all right to hate, but just dress your hate up in the garments of love and make it appear that you are loving when you are actually hating. Just get by! That's the thing that's right according to this new ethic. My friends, that attitude is destroying the soul of our culture! It's destroying our nation! The thing that we need in the world today is a group of men and women who will stand up for right and to be opposed to wrong, wherever it is.&lt;!--  A group of people who have come to see that some things are wrong, whether they're never caught up with. And some things are right, whether nobody sees you doing them or not. --&gt;

* All I'm trying to say to you is that our world hinges on moral foundations. God has made it so. God has made the universe to be based on a moral law. So long as man disobeys it he is revolting against God. That's what we need in the world today: people who will stand for right and goodness. It's not enough to know the intricacies of zoology and biology, but we must know the intricacies of law. It is not enough to know that two and two makes four, but we've got to know somehow that it's right to be honest and just with our brothers. It's not enough to know all about our philosophical and mathematical disciplines, but we've got to know the simple disciplines of being honest and loving and just with all humanity. If we don't learn it, we will destroy ourselves by the misuse of our own powers.

* There is something in this universe that justifies the biblical writer in saying, &quot;''You shall reap what you sow.''&quot; This is a law-abiding universe. This is a [[moral]] universe. It hinges on moral foundations. If we are to make of this a better world, we've got to go back and rediscover that precious value that we've left behind.

*&lt;!--  And then there is a second thing, a second principle that we've got to go back and rediscover. And that is that all reality has spiritual control. In other words, we've got to go back and rediscover the principle that there is a God behind the process. Well this you say, &quot;Why is it that you raise that as a point in your sermon, in a church? The mere fact we are at church, we believe in God, we don't need to go back and rediscover that. The mere fact that we are here, and the mere fact that we sing and pray, and come to church — we believe in God.&quot; Well, there's some truth in that. But  --&gt; We must remember that it's possible to affirm the existence of God with your lips and deny his existence with your life. The most dangerous type of atheism is not theoretical atheism, but practical atheism ... that's the most dangerous type. And the world, even the church, is filled up with people who pay lip service to God and not life service. And there is always a danger that we will make it appear externally that we believe in God when internally we don't. We say with our mouths that we believe in him, but we live with our lives like he never existed. That is the ever-present danger confronting religion. That's a dangerous type of atheism.

* And I think, my friends, that that is the thing that has happened in America. That we have unconsciously left God behind. Now, we haven't consciously done it; we have unconsciously done it. You see, the text, you remember the text said that Jesus' parents went a whole day's journey not knowing that he wasn't with them. They didn't consciously leave him behind. It was unconscious; went a whole day and didn't even know it. It wasn't a conscious process. You see, we didn't grow up and say, &quot;Now, goodbye God, we're going to leave you now.&quot; The [[materialism]] in America has been an unconscious thing. Since the rise of the Industrial Revolution in England, and then the invention of all of our gadgets and contrivances and all of the things and modern conveniences — we unconsciously left God behind. We didn't mean to do it. We just became so involved in getting our big bank accounts that we unconsciously forgot about God — we didn't mean to do it. We became so involved in getting our nice luxurious cars, and they're very nice, but we became so involved in it that it became much more convenient to ride out to the beach on Sunday afternoon than to come to church that morning. (Yes) It was an unconscious thing — we didn't mean to do it. We became so involved and fascinated by the intricacies of television that we found it a little more convenient to stay at home than to come to church. It was an unconscious thing — we didn't mean to do it. We didn't just go up and say, &quot;Now God, we're gone.&quot; We had gone a whole day's journey and then we came to see that we had unconsciously ushered God out of the universe. A whole day's journey — didn't mean to do it. We just became so involved in things that we forgot about God. And that is the danger confronting us, my friends: that in a nation as ours where we stress [[mass production]], and that's mighty important, where we have so many conveniences and luxuries and all of that, there is the danger that we will unconsciously forget about God. I'm not saying that these things aren't important; we need them, we need cars, we need money; all of that's important to live. But whenever they become substitutes for God, they become injurious. And may I say to you this morning, that none of these things can ever be real substitutes for God. Automobiles and subways, televisions and radios, dollars and cents can never be substitutes for God. For long before any of these came into existence, we needed God. And long after they will have passed away, we will still need God.

* And I say to you this morning in conclusion that I'm not going to put my ultimate faith in things. I'm not going to put my ultimate faith in gadgets and contrivances. As a young man with most of my life ahead of me, I decided early to give my life to something eternal and absolute. Not to these little gods that are here today and gone tomorrow, but to God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Not in the little gods that can be with us in a few moments of prosperity, but in the God who walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death, and causes us to fear no evil. That's the God. Not in the god that can give us a few Cadillac cars and Buick convertibles, as nice as they are, that are in style today and out of style three years from now, but the God who threw up the stars to bedeck the heavens like swinging lanterns of eternity. Not in the god that can throw up a few skyscraping buildings, but the God who threw up the gigantic mountains, kissing the sky, as if to bathe their peaks in the lofty blues. Not in the god that can give us a few televisions and radios, but the God who threw up that great cosmic light that gets up early in the morning in the eastern horizon, (who paints its technicolor across the blue — something that man could never make. I'm not going to put my ultimate faith in the little gods that can be destroyed in an atomic age, but the God who has been our help in ages past, and our hope for years to come, and our shelter in the time of storm, and our eternal home. That's the God that I'm putting my ultimate faith in.

* Go out and be assured that that God is going to last forever. Storms might come and go. Our great skyscraping buildings will come and go. Our beautiful automobiles will come and go, but God will be here. Plants may wither, the flowers may fade away, but the word of our God shall stand forever and nothing can ever stop him. All of the P-38s in the world can never reach God. All of our atomic bombs can never reach him. The God that I'm talking about this morning is the God of the universe and the God that will last through the ages. If we are to go forward this morning, we've got to go back and find that God. That is the God that demands and commands our ultimate allegiance. &lt;br /&gt; If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover these precious values — that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control.

==== Paul's Letter to American Christians (1956) ====
:&lt;small&gt;&quot;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_pauls_letter_to_american_christians/ Sermon delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (November 1956)] &lt;/small&gt; 

* Your ultimate allegiance is not to the government, not to the state, not to nation, not to any man-made institution. The Christian owes his ultimate allegiance to God, and if any earthly institution conflicts with God's will it is your Christian duty to take a stand against it. You must never allow the transitory evanescent demands of man-made institutions to take precedence over the eternal demands of the Almighty God.
** &quot;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_pauls_letter_to_american_christians/ Paul's Letter to American Christians]&quot;, Sermon delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (4 November 1956)

* I understand that you have an economic system in America known as Capitalism. Through this economic system you have been able to do wonders. You have become the richest nation in the world, and you have built up the greatest system of production that history has ever known. All of this is marvelous, but Americans, '''there is the danger that you will misuse your Capitalism. I still contend that money can be the root of all [[evil]].''' It can cause one to live a life of gross [[materialism]]. '''I am afraid that many among you are more concerned about making a living than making a life.''' You are prone to judge the success of your profession by the index of your salary and the size of the wheel base on your automobile, rather than the quality of your [[service]] to humanity. The misuse of [[Capitalism]] can also lead to tragic exploitation. This has so often happened in your nation. They tell me that one tenth of one percent of the population controls more than forty percent of the wealth. Oh America, how often have you taken necessities from the masses to give [[luxury|luxuries]] to the classes. If you are to be a truly Christian nation you must solve this problem. '''You cannot solve the problem by turning to communism, for communism is based on an ethical relativism and a metaphysical materialism that no Christian can accept.''' You can work within the framework of [[democracy]] to bring about a better distribution of wealth. You can use your powerful economic resources to wipe [[poverty]] from the face of the earth. God never intended for one group of people to live in superfluous inordinate wealth, while others live in abject deadening poverty. God intends for all of his children to have the basic necessities of life, and He has left in this universe &quot;''enough and to spare''&quot; for that purpose. So I call upon you to bridge the gulf between abject poverty and superfluous wealth.
**King makes two biblical allusions to Luke 15:17 and 1 Timothy 6:10: &quot;''For the love of money is the root of all evil''&quot;.

==== The Birth of a New Nation (1957) ====
:::&lt;small&gt;&quot;The Birth of a New Nation,&quot; Sermon Delivered at [[w:Dexter Avenue Baptist Church|Dexter Avenue Baptist Church]], Montgomery, Alabama (7 April 1957)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[Ghana]] has something to say to us. It says to us first, that the oppressor never voluntarily gives freedom to the oppressed. You have to work for it. ... Freedom is never given to anybody. For the oppressor has you in domination because he plans to keep you there, and he never voluntarily gives it up. And that is where the strong resistance comes. Privileged classes never give up their privileges without strong resistance.

* Freedom only comes through persistent revolt, through persistent agitation, through persistently rising up against the system of evil.

==== [[w:Prayer Pilgrimage for Freedom|Give Us the Ballot (1957)]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/give_us_the_ballot_address_at_the_prayer_pilgrimage_for_freedom_call/ &quot;Give Us the Ballot&quot; Address (1957) Delivered at the Prayer Pilgrimage for Freedom (Call to Conscience) Washington, D.C.]&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:The County Election, Bingham, 1846.jpg|thumb|Give us the ballot, and we will no longer have to worry the federal government about our basic rights. ]]
[[File:Lyndon Johnson signing Civil Rights Act, July 2, 1964.jpg|thumb|Civil rights issue is not an Ephemeral, evanescent domestic issue that can be kicked about by reactionary guardians of the status quo; it is rather an eternal moral issue...]]
[[File:Flammendes Herz.jpg|thumb|We must meet hate with love. We must meet physical force with soul force. ... We must follow nonviolence and love.]]
[[File:Lyndon Johnson meeting with civil rights leaders.jpg|thumb|We must work with determination to create a society, not where black men are superior and other men are inferior and vice versa, but a society in which all men will live together as brothers and respect the dignity and worth of human personality.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Estatua.JPG|thumb|Keep moving. Let nothing slow you up. Move on with dignity and honor and respectability.]]

* '''Three years ago the Supreme Court of this nation rendered in simple, eloquent, and unequivocal language [[w:Brown v. Board of Education|a decision]] which will long be stenciled on the mental sheets of succeeding generations. For all men of goodwill, this May seventeenth decision came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of human captivity. It came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of disinherited people throughout the world who had dared only to dream of freedom.''' Unfortunately, this noble and sublime decision has not gone without opposition. This opposition has often risen to ominous proportions. Many states have risen up in open defiance. The legislative halls of the South ring loud with such words as &quot;[[w:interposition|interposition]]&quot; and &quot;[[w:Nullification (U.S. Constitution)|nullification]].&quot; But even more, '''all types of conniving methods are still being used to prevent Negroes from becoming registered voters. The denial of this sacred right is a tragic betrayal of the highest mandates of our democratic tradition. And so our most urgent request to the president of the United States and every member of Congress is to give us the right to vote.'''

* '''Give us the ballot, and we will no longer have to worry the federal government about our basic rights.&lt;br/&gt; Give us the ballot and we will no longer plead to the federal government for passage of an anti-lynching law; we will by the power of our vote write the law on the statute books of the South and bring an end to the dastardly acts of the hooded perpetrators of violence.&lt;br/&gt; Give us the ballot, and we will transform the salient misdeeds of bloodthirsty mobs into the calculated good deeds of orderly citizens.&lt;br/&gt; Give us the ballot, and we will fill our legislative halls with men of goodwill and send to the sacred halls of Congress men who will not sign a &quot;Southern Manifesto&quot; because of their devotion to the manifesto of justice.&lt;br/&gt; Give us the ballot, and we will place judges on the benches of the south who will do justly and love mercy , and we will place at the head of the southern states governors who have felt not only the tang of the human, but the glow of the Divine.&lt;br/&gt; Give us the ballot, and we will quietly and nonviolently, without rancor or bitterness, implement the Supreme Court's decision of May seventeenth, 1954.'''

* So far, only the judicial branch of the government has evinced this quality of leadership. If the executive and legislative branches of the government were as concerned about the protection of our citizenship rights as the federal courts have been, then the transition from a segregated to an integrated society would be infinitely smoother. But we so often look to Washington in vain for this concern. In the midst of the tragic breakdown of law and order, the executive branch of the government is all too silent and apathetic. In the midst of the desperate need for civil rights legislation, the legislative branch of the government is all too stagnant and hypocritical. This dearth of positive leadership from the federal government is not confined to one particular political party. Both political parties have betrayed the cause of justice. The Democrats have betrayed it by capitulating to the prejudices and undemocratic practices of the southern Dixiecrats. The Republicans have betrayed it by capitulating to the blatant hypocrisy of right wing, reactionary northerners. '''These men so often have a high blood pressure of words and an anemia of deeds.'''

* We come humbly to say to the men in the forefront of our government that the '''civil rights issue is not an Ephemeral, evanescent domestic issue that can be kicked about by reactionary guardians of the status quo; it is rather an eternal moral issue''' which may well determine the destiny of our nation in the ideological struggle with communism. The hour is late. The clock of destiny is ticking out. We must act now, before it is too late.

* This is no day for the rabble-rouser, whether he be Negro or white.We must realize that we are grappling with the most weighty social problem of this nation, and in grappling with such a complex problem there is no place for misguided emotionalism. '''We must work passionately and unrelentingly for the goal of freedom, but we must be sure that our hands are clean in the struggle. We must never struggle with falsehood, hate, or malice. We must never become bitter.''' I know how we feel sometime. '''There is the danger that those of us who have been forced so long to stand amid the tragic midnight of oppression — those of us who have been trampled over, those of us who have been kicked about — there is the danger that we will become bitter. But if we will become bitter and indulge in hate campaigns, the new order which is emerging will be nothing but a duplication of the old order.'''

* '''We must meet hate with love. We must meet physical force with soul force.''' There is still [[Jesus Christus|a voice]] crying out through the vista of time, saying: &quot;Love your enemies , bless them that curse you , pray for them that despitefully use you.&quot; Then, and only then, can you matriculate into the university of eternal life. That same voice cries out in terms lifted to cosmic proportions: &quot;He who lives by the sword will perish by the sword.&quot; And history is replete with the bleached bones of nations that failed to follow this command. '''We must follow nonviolence and love.'''

* Now, I'm not talking about a sentimental, shallow kind of love. I'm not talking about ''eros'', which is a sort of aesthetic, romantic love. I'm not even talking about ''philia'', which is a sort of intimate affection between personal friends. But I'm talking about ''agape''. '''I'm talking about the love of God in the hearts of men. I'm talking about a type of love which will cause you to love the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does. We've got to love.'''

* We must not seek to use our emerging freedom and our growing power to do the same thing to the white minority that has been done to us for so many centuries. Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate the white man. We must not become victimized with a philosophy of black supremacy. '''God is not interested merely in freeing black men and brown men and yellow men, but God is interested in freeing the whole human race. We must work with determination to create a society, not where black men are superior and other men are inferior and vice versa, but a society in which all men will live together as brothers and respect the dignity and worth of human personality.'''

* I conclude by saying that '''each of us must keep faith in the future. Let us not despair. Let us realize that as we struggle for justice and freedom, we have cosmic companionship.''' This is the long faith of the Hebraic-Christian tradition: that '''[[God]] is not some [[Aristotle|Aristotelian]] Unmoved Mover who merely contemplates upon himself. He is not merely a self-knowing God, but an other-loving God forever working through history for the establishment of His kingdom.'''

* '''Keep moving. Let nothing slow you up. Move on with dignity and honor and respectability.'''

==== Conquering Self-centeredness (1957) ====
[[File:Mlk visits temple.jpg|thumb|An individual has not begun to live until he can rise above the narrow horizons of his particular individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. And this is one of the big problems of life, that so many people never quite get to the point of rising above self. And so they end up the tragic victims of self-centeredness. They end up the victims of distorted and disrupted personality.]]
[[File:Helping the homeless.jpg|thumb|Life's most persistent and urgent question is: 'What are you doing for others?']]
[[File:Stained glass, Holy Family Church, Teconnaught, September 2010 crop.jpg|thumb|Life has its beginning and its maturity comes into being when an individual rises above self to something greater.]]
[[File:MLK Memorial dedication.jpg|thumb|When people are self-centered, they are self-centered because they are seeking attention, they want to be admired and this is the way they set out to do it. But in the process, because of their self-centeredness, they are not admired; they are mawkish and people don't want to be bothered with them. And so the very thing they seek, they never get. And they end up frustrated and unhappy and disillusioned.]]
[[File:Dove window St Peters Basilica (8504106313).jpg|thumb|Find your sense of importance in something outside of the self. And you are then able to live because you have given your life to something outside and something that is meaningful, objectified. You rise above this self-absorption to something outside. This is the way to go through life with a balance, with the proper perspective because you've given yourself to something greater than self. Sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's family, sometimes it's a great cause, it's a great loyalty, but give yourself to that something and life becomes meaningful.]]
[[File:Coventry Cathedral Ruins with Rainbow.jpg|thumb|[N]o matter where you stand, no matter how much popularity you have, no matter how much education you have, no matter how much money you have, you have it because somebody in this universe helped you to get it. And when you see that, you can't be arrogant, you can't be supercilious. You discover that you have your position because of the events of history and because of individuals in the background making it possible for you to stand there.]]
[[File:Jan Wijnants - Parable of the Good Samaritan.jpg|thumb|Another way to rise above self-centeredness [...] is by having the proper inner attitude toward your position or toward your status in life or whatever it is. You conquer self-centeredness by coming to the point of seeing that you are where you are today because somebody helped you to get there.]]
[[File:&quot;The School of Athens&quot; by Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino.jpg|thumb|We never get anywhere in this world without the forces of history and individual persons in the background helping us to get there. [...] So don't boast, don't be arrogant. You, at that moment, rise out of your self-centeredness to the type of living that makes you an integrated personality.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/conquering-self-centeredness-sermon-delivered-dexter-avenue-baptist-church &quot;Conquering Self-Centeredness,&quot; Sermon Delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church (11 August 1957)], ''The Papers of Martin Luther King, Jr. Volume IV: Symbol of the Movement, January 1957-December 1958'' · [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol4/11-Aug-1957_ConqueringSelf-Centeredness.pdf (PDF)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* I want to continue the series of sermons this morning that I started several weeks ago. The series dealing with problems of personality integration. This morning our subject is: &quot;Conquering Self-centeredness.&quot; ... I at least want to suggest certain ways to conquer self-centeredness and at least place the subject before you. So that you can go out and add the meat and try, in some way, to make it meaningful and practical in your everyday lives.

* '''An individual has not begun to live until he can rise above the narrow horizons of his particular individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. And this is one of the big problems of life, that so many people never quite get to the point of rising above self. And so they end up the tragic victims of self-centeredness. They end up the victims of distorted and disrupted personality.'''
** Variants (Many of MLKs' speeches were delivered many times with slight variants): '''An Individual has not started living fully until they can rise above the narrow confines of individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity. Every person must decide at some point, whether they will walk in light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.''' This is the judgment: ''' Life's most persistent and urgent question is: 'What are you doing for others?' '''
** As quoted in ''The Words of Martin Luther King, Jr.'' by [[Coretta Scott King]], Second Edition (2011), Ch. &quot;Community of Man&quot;, p. 3

* '''Life has its beginning and its maturity comes into being when an individual rises above self to something greater. Few individuals learn this, and so they go through life merely existing and never living. Now you see signs all along in your everyday life with individuals who are the victims of self-centeredness. They are the people who live an eternal &quot;I.&quot; They do not have the capacity to project the &quot;I&quot; into the &quot;Thou.&quot; They do not have the mental equipment for an eternal, dangerous and sometimes costly altruism. They live a life of perpetual egotism. And they are the victims all around of the egocentric predicament.''' They start out, the minute you talk with them, talking about what they can do, what they have done. They're the people who will tell you, before you talk with them five minutes, where they have been and who they know. They're the people who can tell you in a few seconds, how many degrees they have and where they went to school and how much money they have. '''We meet these people every day. And so this is not a foreign subject. It is not something far off. It is a problem that meets us in everyday life. We meet it in ourselves, we meet in other selves: the problem of self-centeredness.'''

* Now, we can say to a certain extent that persons in this situation are persons who have really never grown up. They are still children, at a point. For you see, a child is inevitably, necessarily egocentric. He is a bundle of his own sensations, clamoring to be cared for. And, to be sure, he has his own social context. He belongs to his mother, but he cares for her only because he wants to be fed and protected. He does not care for his mother for her sake but he cares for his mother for his own sake. And so a child is inevitably egocentric, inevitably self-centered. And that is why Dr. Burnham says that during the first six or seven years of development, the ego is dominant within the child. And both in behavior and in attitudes, a child is a victim of self-centeredness. This is a part of the early development of a little child. When people become mature, they are to rise above this.

* '''I look at my little daughter every day and she wants certain things and when she wants them, she wants them.''' And she almost cries out, &quot;I want what I want when I want it.&quot; '''She is not concerned about what I think about it or what Mrs. King thinks about it. She wants it. She's a child and that's very natural and normal for a child. She is inevitably self-centered because she's a child. But when one matures, when one rises above the early years of childhood, he begins to love people for their own sake. He turns himself to higher loyalties. He gives himself to something outside of himself. He gives himself to causes that he lives for and sometimes will even die for. He comes to the point that now he can rise above his individualistic concerns''', and he understands then what Jesus meant when he says, &quot;He who finds his life shall lose it; he who loses his life for my sake, shall find it.&quot;' In other words, '''he who finds his ego shall lose his ego, but he who loseth his ego for my sake, shall find it. And so you see people who are apparently selfish; it isn't merely an ethical issue but it is a psychological issue. They are the victims of arrested development, and they are still children. They haven't grown up.''' And like a modern novelist says about one of his characters, &quot;Edith is a little country, bounded on the east and the west, on the north and the south, by Edith.&quot; And '''so many people are little countries, bounded all around by themselves and they never quite get out of themselves. And these are the persons who are victimized with arrested development.'''

* '''Now the consequences, the disruptive effects of such self-centeredness, such egocentric desires, are tragic. And we see these every day. At first, it leads to frustration and disillusionment and unhappiness at many points. For usually when people are self-centered, they are self-centered because they are seeking attention, they want to be admired and this is the way they set out to do it. But in the process, because of their self-centeredness, they are not admired; they are mawkish and people don't want to be bothered with them. And so the very thing they seek, they never get. And they end up frustrated and unhappy and disillusioned.'''

* I'm sure you have seen people in life who are so desirous of gaining attention that if they cannot have and gain attention through normal channels, through normal social channels, they will gain it through anti-social means. [...] They are so selfcentered that they must gain attention and they must be seen in order to survive. They want to be admired and in their quest for admiration, they don't gain it and in their failure to gain it, they become frustrated and bewildered and disillusioned. Also, it leads to extreme sensitiveness.

* '''The individual who is self-centered, the individual who is egocentric ends up being very sensitive, a very touchy person. And that is one of the tragic effects of a self-centered attitude, that it leads to a very sensitive and touchy response toward the universe. These are the people you have to handle with kid gloves because they are touchy, they are sensitive. And they are sensitive because they are self-centered. They are too absorbed in self and anything gets them off, anything makes them angry. Anything makes them feel that people are looking over them because of a tragic self-centeredness. That even leads to the point that the individual is not capable of facing trouble and the hard moments of life. One can become so self-centered, so egocentric that when the hard and difficult moments of life come, he cannot face them because he's too centered in himself.''' These are the people who cannot face disappointments. These are the people who cannot face being defeated. These are the people who cannot face being criticized. These are the people who cannot face these many experiences of life which inevitably come because they are too centered in themselves. '''In time, somebody criticizes them, time somebody says something about them that they don't like too well, time they are disappointed, time they are defeated, even in a little game, they end up broken-hearted. They can't stand up under it because they are centered in self.'''

* '''Then, finally, it can become so morbid that it rises to ominous proportions and leads to a tragic sense of persecution. There are persons who come to the point that they are so self-centered that they end up with a persecution complex and the end result is insanity. They end up thinking that the universe stands against them, that everybody is against them. They are turning around within themselves. They are little solar systems within themselves and they can't see beyond that. And as a result of their failure to get out of self, they end up with a persecution complex and sometimes madness and insanity. These are some of the effects of self-centeredness.'''

* '''Now one will inevitably raise the question: How then do we conquer self-centeredness?''' How do we get away from this thing that we call self-centeredness? '''How can we live in this universe with a balance and with a type of perspective that keeps us going smoothly and we are not too absorbed in self?''' How do we do it?

* '''I think one of the best ways to face this problem of self-centeredness is to discover some cause and some purpose, some loyalty outside of yourself and give yourself to that something. The best way to handle it is not to suppress the ego but to extend the ego into objectively meaningful channels.''' And so many people are unhappy because they aren't doing anything. They're self-centered because they aren't doing anything. They haven't given themselves to anything and they just move around in their little circles. '''One of the ways to rise above this self-centeredness is to move away from self and objectify yourself in something outside of yourself. Find some great cause and some great purpose, some loyalty to which you can give yourself and become so absorbed in that something that you give your life to it. Men and women have done this throughout all of the generations. And they have found that necessary ego satisfaction that life presents and that one desires through projecting self in something outside of self. As I said, you don't solve the problem by trying to trample over the ego altogether. That doesn't solve the problem. For you will always have the ego and the ego has certain desires, certain desires for significance.''' The three great psychoanalysts of this age, of this century, pointed out that there are certain basic desires that human beings have and that they long for and that they seek at any cost. And so for [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]] the basic desire was to be loved. [[Carl Gustav Jung|Jung]] would say that the basic desire is to be secure. But then [[Alfred Adler|Adler]] comes along and says the basic desire of human nature is to feel important and a sense of significance. And I think of all of those, probably- certainly all are significant but the one that Adler mentions is probably even more significant than any: that '''all human beings have a desire to belong and to feel significant and important. And the way to solve this problem is not to drown out the ego but to find your sense of importance in something outside of the self. And you are then able to live because you have given your life to something outside and something that is meaningful, objectified. You rise above this self-absorption to something outside. This is the way to go through life with a balance, with the proper perspective because you've given yourself to something greater than self. Sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's family, sometimes it's a great cause, it's a great loyalty, but give yourself to that something and life becomes meaningful.'''

* '''I've seen people who discovered a great meaning in their jobs and they became so absorbed in that that they didn't have time to become self-centered. They loved their job.''' And the great prayer that anyone could pray at that point is: &quot;O God, help me to love my job as this individual loves his or hers. O God, help me to give my self to my work and to my job and to my allegiance as this individual does.&quot; And this is the way out. And I think this is what [[Ralph Waldo Emerson |[Ralph Waldo] Emerson]] meant when he said: &quot;O, see how the masses of men worry themselves into nameless graves, while here and there, some great unselfish soul forgets himself into immortality.&quot; '''And this becomes a point of balance when you can forget yourself into immortality. You're not so absorbed in self, but you are absorbed in something beyond self.'''

* And there is '''another way to rise above self-centeredness''' and that '''is by having the proper inner attitude toward your position or toward your status in life or whatever it is. You conquer self-centeredness by coming to the point of seeing that you are where you are today because somebody helped you to get there. And so many people, you see, live a self-centered, egocentric life because they have the attitude that they are responsible for everything and for their position in life. For everything they do in life, they feel, somehow, that they are responsible and solely responsible for it.'''

* '''An individual gets away from this type of self-centeredness when he pauses enough to see that no matter what he does in life, he does that because somebody helped him to do it. And he then gains the type of perspective and the type of balance which keeps him from becoming self-centered. He comes to see that somebody stands in the background, often doing a little job in a big way, making it possible for him to do what he's doing.'''

* '''[N]o matter where you stand, no matter how much popularity you have, no matter how much education you have, no matter how much money you have, you have it because somebody in this universe helped you to get it. And when you see that, you can't be arrogant, you can't be supercilious. You discover that you have your position because of the events of history and because of individuals in the background making it possible for you to stand there.'''

* One of the problems that I have to face and even fight every day is this problem of self-centeredness, this tendency that can so easily come to my life now that I'm something special, that I'm something important. Living over the past year, I can hardly go into any city or any town in this nation where I'm not lavished with hospitality by peoples of all races and of all creeds. I can hardly go anywhere to speak in this nation where hundreds and thousands of people are not turned away because of lack of space. And then after speaking, I often have to be rushed out to get away from the crowd rushing for autographs. I can hardly walk the street in any city of this nation where I'm not confronted with people running up the street, &quot;Isn't this Reverend King of Alabama?&quot; Living under this it's easy, it's a dangerous tendency that I will come to feel that I'm something special, that I stand somewhere in this universe because of my ingenuity and that I'm important, that I can walk around life with a type of arrogance because of an importance that I have. And one of the prayers that I pray to God everyday is: &quot;O God, help me to see myself in my true perspective. Help me, O God, to see that I'm just a symbol of a movement. Help me to see that I'm the victim of what the Germans call a Zeitgeist and that something was getting ready to happen in history; history was ready for it. And that a boycott would have taken place in Montgomery, Alabama, if I had never come to Alabama. Help me to realize that I'm where I am because of the forces of history and because of the fifty thousand Negroes of Alabama who will never get their names in the papers and in the headline. O God, help me to see that where I stand today, I stand because others helped me to stand there and because the forces of history projected me there. And this moment would have come in history even if M. L. King had never been born.&quot; And when we come to see that, we stand with a humility. '''This is the prayer I pray to God every day, &quot;Lord help me to see M. L. King as M. L. King in his true perspective.&quot; Because if I don't see that, I will become the biggest fool in America.'''

* '''We never get anywhere in this world without the forces of history and individual persons in the background helping us to get there.''' If you have the privilege of a fine education, well, you have it because somebody made it possible. If you have the privilege to gain wealth and a bit of the world's goods, well, you have it because somebody made it possible. '''So don't boast, don't be arrogant. You, at that moment, rise out of your self-centeredness to the type of living that makes you an integrated personality.'''

* Finally, '''the proper religious faith gives you this type of balance and this type of perspective that I'm talking about. This, you see, is something of the genius of great religion, that on the one hand, it gives man a sense of belonging and on the other hand, it gives him a sense of dependence on something higher. So he realizes that there is something beyond in which he lives and moves and even moves and gains his being. This is what great religion does for him.'''

* '''And there needs to be something in your life of a goddess of [[Nemesis]] which pulls you down when you get too high and pulls you up when you feel the sense of inadequacy and that is what religion at its best does. It keeps you to the point that you don't feel like you are too low and you don't feel like you are too high but you'll maintain that type of balance.''' And you come to see that you're an adjective, not a noun. It is only God that is a noun, you are a dependent clause not an independent clause. You come to see through great religion, somehow, there is only one being in this universe that can say &quot;I am&quot; unconditionally. We turn over to Genesis and we read of God saying, &quot;I am that I am,&quot; and that's the only being that can say that. But man is a child of God and he must always say, &quot;I am, because of.&quot; And when you come to see that, you see that your existence is adjectival; it is dependent on something else. Your existence is dependent on the existence of a higher power and you can't walk around the universe with arrogance. You can't walk about the universe with a haughty spirit because you know that there is a God in this universe that you are dependent on.

* For a long time, man felt that he was the center of the universe and all of his science had given him that. All of the days in the past he came up under what was known as the geocentric theory: the earth was the center of the universe and everything revolved around the earth. Then came [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] and [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Galileo]] and others, said that the sun is the center, the heliocentric theory came into being. And that reminded us somehow that we are dependent on something. '''We are not just at the center of this universe. We are only at the center to the extent that we give ourselves and our allegiance to God Almighty.''' And I'm so glad that the new science came into being to dampen our arrogance. It says to us that our earthly planet is a dependent planet; it is a small planet in the orbits of this universe. The sun is the center of this universe, that '''man must look beyond himself to discover his significance. And that does something to each of us so that we can see when we have faith in God that we have nothing to boast about, we have nothing to be arrogant about but we live with a humility that keeps us going.'''

* '''As I look at drunkard men walking the streets of Montgomery and of other cities every day, I find myself saying, &quot;But by the grace of God, you too would be a drunkard.&quot; As I look at those who have lost balance of themselves and those who are giving their lives to a tragic life of pleasure and throwing away everything they have in riotous living, I find myself saying, &quot;But by the grace of God, I too would be here.&quot; And when you see that point, you cannot be arrogant. But you walk through life with a humility that takes away the self-centeredness that makes you a disintegrated personality.'''

* '''[Y]ou are what you are because of somebody else. You are what you are because of the grace of the Almighty God. He who seeks to find his ego will lose it. But he who loses his ego in some great cause, some great purpose, some great ideal, some great loyalty, he who discovers, somehow, that he stands where he stands because of the forces of history and because of other individuals; he who discovers that he stands where he stands because of the grace of God, finds himself. He loses himself in that something but later finds himself. And this is the way, it seems to me, to the integrated personality.'''

==== Loving Your Enemies (November 1957) ====
[[File:King portrait.gif|thumb|It is [[love]] that will save our [[world]] and our [[civilization]], love even for [[enemies]].]]
[[File:Mlk visits temple.jpg|thumb|Discover the element of [[good]] in your [[enemy]]. And as you seek to [[hate]] him, find the center of goodness and place your attention there and you will take a new attitude.]]
[[File:Martin Luther, Coretta Scott and Yolanda Denise King, 1956.png|thumb|[[Love]] is [[creative]], [[understanding]] goodwill for all men. It is the refusal to defeat any [[individual]]. ... Love is understanding, redemptive goodwill for all men, so that you love everybody, because God loves them.]]
[[File:Image050h.jpg|thumb|[[Force]] begets force, [[hate]] begets hate, toughness begets toughness. And it is all a descending spiral, ultimately ending in destruction for all and everybody. Somebody must have [[sense]] enough and [[morality]] enough to cut off the chain of hate and the chain of [[evil]] in the [[universe]]. And you do that by [[love]].]]
[[File:Gaston motel 1963.jpg|thumb|[[Hate]] at any point is a cancer that gnaws away at the very vital center of your [[life]] and your existence. It is like eroding acid that eats away the best and the objective center of your [[life]].]]
[[File:Rosaparks.jpg|thumb|Non-cooperation with [[evil]] is as much a [[moral]] obligation as is cooperation with [[good]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/loving-your-enemies-sermon-delivered-dexter-avenue-baptist-churc Delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (17 November 1957)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Far from being the pious injunction of a [[utopian]] [[dreamer]], [[w:Matthew 5:44|this command]] is an absolute [[necessity]] for the survival of our civilization. Yes, '''it is [[love]] that will save our [[world]] and our [[civilization]], love even for enemies.'''

* How do you go about loving your enemies? I think the first thing is this: '''In order to love your enemies, you must begin by analyzing [[self]].''' And I'm sure that seems [[strange]] to you, that I start out telling you this morning that you love your enemies by beginning with a look at self. It seems to me that that is the first and foremost way to come to an adequate discovery to the how of this situation. ... some people aren't going to like you. '''They're going to dislike you, not because of something that you've done to them, but because of various [[jealous]] reactions and other reactions that are so prevalent in [[human nature]].''' But after looking at these things and admitting these things, we must [[face]] the [[fact]] that an individual might dislike us because of something that we've done deep down in the past, some personality attribute that we possess, something that we've done deep down in the past and we've forgotten about it; but it was that something that aroused the [[hate]] response within the [[individual]]. That is why I say, begin with yourself. '''There might be something within you that arouses the tragic hate response in the other individual.'''

* The success of [[communism]] in the world today is due to the failure of [[democracy]] to live up to the noble ideals and principles inherent in its system. And this is what [[Jesus]] means when he said: &quot;How is it that you can see the mote in your brother's eye and not see the beam in your own eye?&quot; Or to put it in Moffatt's translation: &quot;How is it that you see the splinter in your brother's eye and fail to see the plank in your own eye?&quot; And this is one of the tragedies of human nature. So we begin to love our enemies and love those persons that hate us whether in collective life or individual life by looking at ourselves. And this is one of the tragedies of human nature. So we begin to love our enemies and love those persons that hate us whether in collective life or individual life by looking at ourselves.

* '''A second thing that an individual must do in seeking to love his enemy is to discover the element of [[good]] in his enemy, and everytime you begin to hate that person and think of hating that person, realize that there is some good there and look at those good points which will over-balance the bad points.'''

* There is something within all of us that causes us to cry out with [[Ovid]], the Latin poet, &quot;I see and approve the better things of life, but the [[evil]] things I do.&quot; There is something within all of us that causes us to cry out with [[Plato]] that the human [[personality]] is like a charioteer with two headstrong horses, each wanting to go in different directions. There is something within each of us that causes us to cry out with [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe|Goethe]], &quot;There is enough stuff in me to make both a gentleman and a rogue.&quot; There is something within each of us that causes us to cry out with [[Paul of Tarsus|Apostle Paul]], &quot;I see and approve the better things of life, but the evil things I do.&quot; '''So somehow the &quot;isness&quot; of our [[present]] nature is out of [[harmony]] with the [[eternal]] &quot;oughtness&quot; that forever confronts us. And this simply means this: That within the best of us, there is some evil, and within the worst of us, there is some good. When we come to see this, we take a different attitude toward individuals.''' The person who hates you most has some good in him; even the nation that hates you most has some good in it; even the race that hates you most has some good in it. And when you come to the point that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what [[religion]] calls &quot;the image of [[God]],&quot; you begin to love him in spite of. '''No matter what he does, you see [[God]]'s image there.''' There is an element of goodness that he can never sluff off. '''Discover the element of good in your enemy. And as you seek to hate him, find the center of goodness and place your attention there and you will take a new attitude.'''

* '''Another way that you love your enemy is this: When the [[opportunity]] presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time which you must not do it.''' There will come a [[time]], in many instances, when the person who hates you most, the person who has misused you most, the person who has gossiped about you most, the person who has spread false rumors about you most, there will come a time when you will have an opportunity to defeat that person. It might be in terms of a recommendation for a job; it might be in terms of helping that person to make some move in life. That's the time you must not do it.
** {{cite news |last=Nianias |first=Helen |date=2015-01-19 |title=Martin Luther King Jr. Day: The inspiring speeches you might not know |url=http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/martin-luther-king-day-the-inspiring-speeches-you-might-not-know-9987009.html |work=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]] |access-date=2018-02-08 |archive-url=http://www.webcitation.org/6x5PiJU27 |archive-date=2018-02-08}} 

* That is the meaning of love. In the final analysis, '''love is not this sentimental something that we talk about. It's not merely an emotional something. Love is creative, [[understanding]] goodwill for all men. It is the refusal to defeat any individual. When you rise to the level of [[love]], of its [[great]] [[beauty]] and [[power]], you seek only to defeat [[evil]] [[systems]]. Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love, but you seek to defeat the system.''' 
**{{cite web |title=&quot;Loving Your Enemies,&quot; Sermon Delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church |last=King, Jr. |first=Martin Luther |date=1957-11-17 |url=https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/loving-your-enemies-sermon-delivered-dexter-avenue-baptist-church |archive-url=http://www.webcitation.org/6x5ROMlxu |archive-date=2018-02-08}}

* The Greek language comes out with another word for love. It is the word ''[[w:agape|agape]]''. ...'''agape is something of the [[understanding]], creative, redemptive goodwill for all men. '''It is a love that seeks nothing in return. It is an overflowing love; it's what theologians would call the love of [[God]] working in the [[lives]] of men.''' And when you rise to love on this level, you begin to love men, not because they are likeable, but because God loves them. You look at every man, and you love him because you know God loves him.''' And he might be the worst person you've ever seen. And this is what [[Jesus]] means, I think, in this very passage when he says, &quot;Love your enemy.&quot; And it's significant that he does not say, &quot;Like your enemy.&quot; Like is a sentimental something, an affectionate something. '''There are a lot of people that I find it difficult to like.''' I don't like what they do to me. I don't like what they say about me and other people. I don't like their attitudes. I don't like some of the things they're doing. I don't like them. But [[Jesus]] says love them. And love is greater than like. '''Love is [[understanding]], redemptive goodwill for all men, so that you love everybody, because [[God]] loves them. You refuse to do anything that will defeat an individual, because you have ''agape'' in your soul. And here you come to the point that you love the individual who does the evil deed, while hating the deed that the person does. This is what [[Jesus]] means when he says, &quot;Love your enemy.&quot; This is the way to do it. When the opportunity presents itself when you can defeat your enemy, you must not do it.'''

* '''I think the first [[reason]] that we should love our enemies, and I think this was at the very center of [[Jesus]]' thinking, is this: that '''hate for [[hate]] only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the [[universe]].''' If I hit you and you hit me and I hit you back and you hit me back and go on, you see, that goes on ad infinitum. It just never ends. Somewhere somebody must have a little sense, and that's the strong person. '''The [[strong]] person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil. And that is the tragedy of hate, that it doesn't cut it off. It only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the universe. Somebody must have [[religion]] enough and morality enough to cut it off and inject within the very structure of the universe that strong and powerful element of [[love]].'''

* '''Somewhere somebody must have some [[sense]]. Men must see that [[force]] begets force, [[hate]] begets hate, toughness begets toughness.''' And it is all a descending spiral, ultimately ending in destruction for all and everybody. '''Somebody must have sense enough and [[morality]] enough to cut off the chain of hate and the chain of evil in the universe. And you do that by [[love]].'''

* '''There's another reason why you should love your enemies, and that is because hate distorts the personality of the hater.''' We usually think of what hate does for the individual hated or the individuals hated or the groups hated. But it is even more tragic, it is even more ruinous and injurious to the individual who hates. You just begin hating somebody, and you will begin to do irrational things. You can't see straight when you hate. You can't walk straight when you hate. You can't stand upright. Your vision is distorted. There is nothing more tragic than to see an individual whose heart is filled with hate. He comes to the point that he becomes a pathological case. For the person who hates, you can stand up and see a person and that person can be beautiful, and you will call them ugly. For the person who hates, the beautiful becomes ugly and the ugly becomes beautiful. For the person who hates, the good becomes bad and the bad becomes good. For the person who hates, the true becomes false and the false becomes true. That's what hate does. You can't see right. The symbol of objectivity is lost. '''Hate destroys the very structure of the personality of the hater.''' [...] '''when you start hating anybody, it destroys the very center of your creative response to life and the universe; so love everybody. Hate at any point is a cancer that gnaws away at the very vital center of your life and your existence. It is like eroding acid that eats away the best and the objective center of your life. So Jesus says love, because hate destroys the hater as well as the hated.'''

* '''Now there is a final reason I think that [[Jesus]] says, &quot;Love your enemies.&quot; It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That's why Jesus says, &quot;Love your enemies.&quot; Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption.''' You just keep loving people and keep loving them, even though they're mistreating you. Here's the person who is a neighbor, and this person is doing something wrong to you and all of that. Just keep being friendly to that person. Keep loving them. Don't do anything to embarrass them. Just keep loving them, and they can't stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with bitterness because they're mad because you love them like that. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And '''by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That's love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There's something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.'''

* '''History unfortunately leaves some people oppressed and some people oppressors. And there are three ways that individuals who are oppressed can deal with their oppression. One of them is to rise up against their oppressors with physical violence and corroding hatred. But oh this isn't the way. For the danger and the weakness of this method is its futility. Violence creates many more social problems than it solves.''' And I've said, in so many instances, that as the Negro, in particular, and colored peoples all over the world struggle for freedom, '''if they succumb to the temptation of using violence in their struggle, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness, and our chief legacy to the future will be an endless reign of meaningless chaos. Violence isn't the way.'''

* '''Another way is to acquiesce and to give in, to resign yourself to the oppression.''' Some people do that. They discover the difficulties of the wilderness moving into the promised land, and they would rather go back to the despots of Egypt because it's difficult to get in the promised land. And so they resign themselves to the fate of oppression; they somehow acquiesce to this thing. '''But that too isn't the way because non-cooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good.'''

* '''But there is another way. And that is to organize mass non-violent resistance based on the principle of love.''' It seems to me that this is the only way as our eyes look to the future. As we look out across the years and across the generations, let us develop and move right here. '''We must discover the power of love, the power, the redemptive power of love. And when we discover that we will be able to make of this old world a new world. We will be able to make men better. Love is the only way.'''

==== Loving Your Enemies (Christmas 1957) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm Full text online here]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] even for [[enemies]] is the [[key]] to the solution of the [[problems]] of our [[world]].]]
[[File:Christ on Corcovado mountain.JPG|thumb|[[Jesus]] is not an impractical idealist; he is the practical realist.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr with medallion NYWTS.jpg|thumb|We must develop and maintain the capacity to [[forgive]]. He who is devoid of the [[power]] to forgive is devoid of the power to [[love]].]]
[[File:Bad-war.jpg|thumb|The chain reaction of [[evil]] — [[hate]] begetting hate, [[wars]] producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.]]
[[File:Francisco de Goya, Desastre de la Guerra (Disasters of War).JPG|thumb|[[Darkness]] cannot drive out darkness: only [[light]] can do that. [[Hate]] cannot drive out hate: only [[love]] can do that.]]
[[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|Every genuine expression of [[love]] grows out of a consistent and total surrender to [[God]].]]
[[File:Cristo_Redentor-3.jpg|thumb|By its very [[nature]], [[hate]] destroys and tears down; by its very nature, [[love]] creates and builds up. Love transforms with redemptive [[power]].]]
[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] is the only [[force]] capable of transforming an [[enemy]] into a [[friend]]. We never get rid of an enemy by meeting [[hate]] with hate; we get rid of an enemy by getting rid of enmity.]]
[[File:Hermandad - friendship.jpg|thumb|There is some [[good]] in the worst of us and some [[evil]] in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to [[hate]] our [[enemies]].]]
[[File:Diversity and Unity.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] is the most durable [[power]] in the world. This creative [[force]] ... is the most potent instrument available in [[mankind]]'s quest for [[peace]] and security.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Delivered at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957). He actually [http://www.mkgandhi-sarvodaya.org/articles/peace_king.htm wrote it while he was in jail] for committing non-violent civil disobedience during the Montgomery bus boycott. In this sermon King discusses [[w: Matthew 5:44|Jesus command to &quot;love your enemies&quot;]] and answers the question how one can love his enemies.&lt;/small&gt;

* Upheaval after upheaval has reminded up that modern man is traveling along the road called hate, in a journey that will bring us to destruction and damnation. Far from being the pious injunction of a Utopian dreamer, '''the command to love one's enemy is an absolute necessity for our survival. Love even for enemies is the key to the solution of the problems of our world.'''

* '''[[Jesus]] is not an impractical idealist; he is the practical realist.'''

* I am certain that Jesus understood the difficulty inherent in the act of loving one's enemy. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that '''every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to [[God]].''' So when [[Jesus]] said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.

* '''Let us be practical and ask the question: How do we love our enemies?'''

* '''First, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one's enemies without prior acceptance of the [[necessity]], over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us. It is also necessary to realize that the forgiving act must always be initiated by the person who has been wronged, the victim of some great hurt, the recipient of some tortuous injustice, the absorber of some terrible act of oppression.''' The wrongdoer may request forgiveness. He may come to himself, and, like the prodigal son, move up with some dusty road, his heart palpitating with the desire for forgiveness. But only the injured neighbor, the loving father back home can really pour out the warm waters of forgiveness.

* '''[[Forgiveness]] does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an [[evil]] act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new [[beginning]]. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt.''' The words &quot;I will forgive you, but never forget what you have done&quot; never explain the real nature of forgiveness. '''Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing totally for his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship.''' Likewise, we can never say, &quot;I will forgive you, but I won't have anything further to do with you.&quot; '''Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man can ever love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies.'''

* '''Second we must recognize that the evil deed of the enemy-neighbor, the thing that hurts, never quite expresses all that he is. An element of goodness may be found even in our worst enemy. Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves.''' A persistent civil war rages within all or our lives. Something within us causes us to lament with [[Ovid]], the Latin poet, &quot;I see and approve the better things, but follow the worse,&quot; or to agree with [[Plato]] that human [[personality]] is like a charioteer having two headstrong horses, each wanting to be go in a different direction, or to repeat with the [[Paul the Apostle|Apostle Paul]], &quot;[[s: Bible_(Wikisource)/Romans#Chapter_7|The good that I would I do not, but the evil which I would not, I do.]]&quot;

* This simply means that '''there is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.''' When we look beneath the surface, beneath the impulsive [[evil]] deed, we see within our enemy-neighbor a measure of goodness and know that the viciousness and evilness of his acts are not quite representative of all that he is. We see him in a new light. We recognize that his hate grows out of [[fear]], [[pride]], [[ignorance]], [[prejudice]], and misunderstanding, but in spite of this, we know God's image is ineffably etched in being. Then we [[love]] our enemies by realizing that they are not totally bad and that they are not beyond the reach of God's redemptive love.

* '''Third we must not seek to defeat or humiliate the enemy but to win his friendship and understanding. At times we are able to humiliate our worst enemy.''' Inevitably, his weak moments come and we are able to thrust in his side the spear of defeat. But this we must not do. '''Every word and deed must contribute to an understanding with the enemy and release those vast reservoirs of goodwill which have been blocked by impenetrable walls of hate.'''

* The meaning of love is not to be confused with some sentimental outpouring. Love is something much deeper that emotional bosh. Perhaps the Greek language can clear our confusion at this point. In the Greek New Testament are three words for love. The word eros is sort of aesthetic or romantic love. In the Platonic dialogues eros is the yearning of the soul for the realm of the divine. The second word is philia, a reciprocal of love and the intimate affection and friendship between friends. We love those whom we like, and we love because we are loved. The third word is agape, understanding and creative, redemptive goodwill for all men. An overflowing love which seek nothing in return, agape is the love of God operating in the human heart. At this level, we love men not because we like them, nor because they possess some type of divine spark; we love every man because God loves him. At this level, we love the person who does an evil deed, although we hate the deed that he does. [...] When Jesus bids us to love our enemies, he is speaking neither of eros nor philia; he is speaking of agape, '''understanding and creative, redemptive goodwill toward men. Only by following this way and responding with this type of love are we able [[s:Bible_(Wikisource)/Matthew#Chapter_5|to be children of our father which is in heaven.]]'''

* '''Let us move now from the practical how to the theoretical why: Why should we love our enemies?''' The first reason is fairly obvious. '''Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.''' So when Jesus says &quot;love your enemies,&quot; he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies-or else? '''The chain reaction of evil-Hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars-must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.'''
** This passage contains some phrases King later used in &quot;Where Do We Go From Here?&quot; (1967) which has a section below. 

* '''Another reason why we must love our enemies is that hate scars the soul and distorts the personality. Mindful that hate is an evil and dangerous force, we too often think of what it does to the person hated. This is understandable, for hate bring irreparable damage to its victims.''' We have seen its ugly consequences in the ignominious deaths brought to six million Jews by a hate-obsessed madman named [[Hitler]], in the unspeakable violence inflicted upon Negroes by blood-thirsty mobs, in the dark horrors of war, and in the terrible indignities and injustices perpetrated against millions of God's children by unconscionable oppressors. &lt;br /&gt; '''But there is another side which we must never overlook. Hate is just as injurious to the person who hates. Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.'''

* Modern psychology recognizes what Jesus taught centuries ago: '''Hate divides the personality and love in an amazing and inexorable way unites it.'''

* '''A third reason why we should love our enemies is that love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. We never get rid of an enemy by meeting hate with hate; we get rid of an enemy by getting rid of enmity. By its very nature, love creates and builds up. Love transforms with redemptive power.'''

* An even more basic reason why we are commanded to love is expressed explicitly in Jesus' words, &quot;love your enemies....that ye may be children of your father which is in heaven.&quot; We are called to this difficult task in order to realize a unique relationship with God. We are potential sons of God. Through love that potentiality becomes actuality. We must love our enemies, because only loving them can we know God and experience the beauty of His holiness.

* '''The darkness of racial injustice will be dispelled only by the light of forgiving love.''' For more that three centuries American Negroes have been frustrated by day and bewilderment by night by unbearable injustice, and burdened with the ugly weight of discrimination. Forced to live with these shameful conditions, we are tempted to become bitter and retaliate with a corresponding hate. But if this happens, the new order we seek will be little more than a duplicate of the old order. '''We must in strength and humility meet hate with love.'''

* Time is cluttered with wreckage of communities which surrendered to hatred and violence. For the salvation of our nation or mankind, we must follow another way. This does not mean that we abandon our righteous efforts. With every ounce of our energy we must continue to rid this nation of the incubus of segregation. But we shall not in the process relinquish our privilege and our obligation to love. '''While abhorring segregation, we shall love the segregationist. This is the only way to create the beloved community.'''

* To our most bitter opponents we say: '''&quot;We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you.''' We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws because '''noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good.''' Throw us in jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you. But '''be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process and our victory will be a double victory.'''&quot;

* '''[[Love]] is the most durable [[power]] in the world. This creative force, so beautifully exemplified in the [[life]] of our [[Christ]], is the most potent instrument available in mankind's quest for [[peace]] and security.''' [[Napoleon Bonaparte]], the great military genius, looking back over his years of conquest, is reported to have said: &quot;[[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]] and I have built great empires. But upon what did they depend? They depended on [[force]]. But centuries ago [[Jesus]] started an empire that was built on [[love]], and even to this day millions will die for him.&quot; Who can doubt the veracity of these words. '''The great military leaders of the past have gone, their empires have crumbled and burned to ashes. But the empire of [[Jesus]], built solidly and majestically on the foundation of love, is still growing.''' It started with a small group of dedicated men, who, through the inspiration of their Lord, were able to shake the hinges form the gates of the Roman Empire, and carry the gospel into all the world. Today the vast earthly kingdom of Christ numbers more than 900,000,000 and covers every land and tribe.

* '''[[Jesus]] is eternally right. History is replete with the bleached bones of nations that refused to listen to him.''' May we in the twentieth century hear and follow his words-before it is too late. '''May we solemnly realize that we shall never be true sons of our heavenly Father until we love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.'''

==== Three Ways of Meeting Oppression (1958) ====
[[File:Kaulbach Zerstoerung Jerusalems durch Titus.jpg|thumb|Violence ends by defeating itself. It creates bitterness in the survivors and brutality in the destroyers.]]
[[File:March on washington Aug 28 1963.jpg|thumb|Nonviolent resistance is not aimed against oppressors, but against oppression.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gibbsmagazine.com/Ways%20to%20respond.htm This essay] [https://archive.is/20130717142239/www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_4-6-2004_pg3_7 is taken from MLK's book 'Stride Toward Freedom' (1958)].&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Oppressed people deal with their oppression in three characteristic ways. One way is acquiescence: the oppressed resign themselves to their doom. They tacitly adjust themselves to oppression and thereby become conditioned to it. In every movement toward freedom some of the oppressed prefer to remain oppressed.'''

* '''There is such a thing as the freedom of exhaustion. Some people are so worn down by the yoke of oppression that they give up.''' A few years ago in the slum areas of Atlanta, a Negro guitarist used to sing almost daily: &quot;Been down so long that down don't bother me.&quot; '''This is the type of negative freedom and resignation that often engulfs the life of the oppressed.'''

* '''To accept passively an unjust system is to cooperate with that system; thereby the oppressed become as evil as the oppressor. Non-cooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. The oppressed must never allow the conscience of the oppressor to slumber. Religion reminds every man that he is his brother's keeper. To accept injustice''' or segregation passively '''is to say to the oppressor that his actions are morally right. It is a way of allowing his conscience to fall asleep. At this moment the oppressed fails to be his brother's keeper. So acquiescence-while often the easier way-is not the moral way. It is the way of the coward.'''

* '''A second way that oppressed people sometimes deal with oppression is to resort to physical violence and corroding hatred. Violence often brings about momentary results.''' Nations have frequently won their independence in battle. '''But in spite of temporary victories, violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem; it merely creates new and more complicated ones.'''

* '''Violence as a way of achieving''' racial '''justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. The old law of an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love. It destroys community and makes brotherhood impossible. It leaves society in monologue rather than dialogue. Violence ends by defeating itself. It creates bitterness in the survivors and brutality in the destroyers.'''

* '''The third way open to oppressed people in their quest for freedom is the way of nonviolent resistance.''' Like the synthesis in [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegelian ]]philosophy, '''the principle of nonviolent resistance seeks to reconcile the truths of two opposites, acquiescence and violence, while avoiding the extremes and immoralities of both. The nonviolent resister agrees with the person who acquiesces that one should not be physically aggressive toward his opponent; but he balances the equation by agreeing with the person of violence that evil must be resisted. He avoids the nonresistance of the former and the violent resistance of the latter. With nonviolent resistance, no individual or group need submit to any wrong, nor need anyone resort to violence in order to right a wrong.'''

* '''Nonviolent resistance is not aimed against oppressors, but against oppression.'''

=== 1960s ===
[[File:Flag of the United States (Pantone).svg|thumb|The language, the cultural patterns, the music, the material prosperity, and even the food of America are an amalgam of black and white.]]
[[File:Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. (Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mathew Ahmann in a crowd.) - NARA - 542015.tif|thumb|The [[time]] is always [[right]] to do what's right.]]
[[File:Clean room history 1.png|thumb|Of all the forms of inequality, injustice in healthcare is the most shocking and inhumane.]]
[[File:'Today capitalism has outlived its usefulness' MLK.jpg|thumb|Call it [[democracy]], or call it democratic [[socialism]], but there must be a better distribution of [[wealth]] within this country for all [[God]]'s [[children]].]]
[[File:Martin Luther King, Jr. and Lyndon Johnson.jpg|thumb|There comes a [[time]] when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because [[Conscience]] tells him it is [[right]].]]
[[File:MartinLutherKingMalcolmX.jpg|thumb|Ultimately a genuine [[leader]] is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus.]]
[[File:Capitol dome lantern Washington.jpg|thumb|I say to you that our goal is [[freedom]], and I [[believe]] we are going to get there because however much she strays away from it, the goal of [[America]] is freedom.]]
[[File:LBJ Civil Rights Act crowd.jpg|thumb|It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you [[love]] me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important.]]
[[File:Lyndon Johnson and Martin Luther King, Jr. - Voting Rights Act.jpg|thumb|I am not interested in [[power]] for power's sake, but I'm interested in power that is [[moral]], that is [[right]] and that is [[good]].]]
[[File:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Joachim Prinz 1963.jpg|thumb|We demand this fraud be stopped. Our weapon is our vote.]]

* We know that there are many things wrong in the white world, but there are many things wrong in the black world too. We can't keep on blaming the white man. There are things we must do for ourselves.
** Address to a black congregation in St. Louis, published in  &quot;The Dangerous Road Before Martin Luther King&quot;, ''Harper's'' magazine (February 1961); quoted by [[James Baldwin]], in &quot;Highroad to Destiny,&quot; a chapter in ''Martin Luther King, Jr.: A Profile'', edited by [[w:C. Eric Lincoln | C. Eric Lincoln]] (1993), p. 97&lt;!-- New York, NY, Hill &amp; Wang --&gt; 

* '''In our glorious fight for civil rights, we must guard against being fooled by false slogans, such as &quot;right to work.&quot; It is a law to rob us of our civil rights and job rights.''' It is supported by Southern segregationists who are trying to keep us from achieving our civil rights and our right of equal job opportunity. '''Its purpose is to destroy labor unions and the freedom of collective bargaining by which unions have improved wages and working conditions of everyone...Wherever these laws have been passed, wages are lower, job opportunities are fewer and there are no civil rights. We do not intend to let them do this to us. We demand this fraud be stopped. Our weapon is our vote.'''
** Speaking on right-to-work laws in 1961, as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)

* They are honoring a great one in [[Roberto Clemente|Clemente]]. I have been watching his career ever since he joined the [[w:Pittsburgh Pirates|Pittsburgh club]]. Roberto should wind up as one of the all-time stars before he is through.
** Speaking with [[w:Pittsburgh Post-Gazette|''Pittsburgh Post-Gazette'']] sports editor [[w:Al Abrams|Al Abrams]] on July 9, 1961, at [[w:Forbes Field|Forbes Field]], while both waited to speak at the second annual Freedom Jubilee, sponsored by Pittsburgh's Central Baptist Church; as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=udhaAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=emwDAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=7016%2C1295376 &quot;Sidelights on Sports&quot;] by Al Abrams, in ''The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette'' (8 April 1968)

* '''There are certain things in our [[nation]] and in the [[world]] which I am [[proud]] to be maladjusted and which I [[hope]] all men of [[good]]-[[will]] will be maladjusted until the good societies realize — I say very honestly that I never intend to become adjusted to — segregation and discrimination. I never intend to become adjusted to religious [[bigotry]].''' I never intend to adjust myself to [[economic]] conditions that will take [[necessities]] from the many to give luxuries to the few. I never intend to adjust myself to the madness of militarism, to self-defeating effects of physical [[violence]]. But in a day when sputniks and explorers are dashing through outer space and guided ballistic missiles are carving highways of [[death]] through the stratosphere, no [[nation]] can win a [[war]]. It is no longer the choice between [[violence]] and nonviolence. It is either nonviolence or nonexistence...'''
** [http://www.wmich.edu/sites/default/files/attachments/MLK.pdf &quot;Social Justice and the Emerging New Age&quot;] address at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse, Western Michigan University (18 December 1963)

* &quot;We must never substitute a doctrine of Black supremacy for white supremacy. For the doctrine of Black supremacy is as dangerous as white supremacy. God is not interested merely in the freedom of black men and brown men and yellow men but God is interested in the freedom of the whole human race, the creation of a society where all men will live together as brothers&quot;
** &quot;Social Justice and the Emerging New Age&quot; address at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse, Western Michigan University (18 December 1963)

* Living with the conditions of slavery and then later segregation, many Negroes lost faith in themselves. Many came to feel that perhaps they were less than human, perhaps they were inferior. But then something happened to the Negro. Circumstances made it possible and necessary for him to travel more. The coming of the automobile, the upheavals of two world wars, the great depression. So his rural plantation background gradually gave way to urban industrial life. His economic life was gradually rising and even his cultural life was gradually rising through the steady decline of crippling illiteracy. All of '''these forces conjoined to cause the Negro to take a new look at himself. His religion revealed to him that God loves all of his children and that all men are made in His image. That the basic thing about a man is not his specificity but his fundamental. Not the texture of his hair or the color of his skin but his eternal dignity and worth.'''
** &quot;Social Justice and the Emerging New Age&quot; address at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse, Western Michigan University (18 December 1963)

* '''As a preacher... I must admit that I have gone through those moments when I was greatly disappointed with the church and what it has done in this period of social change.''' We must face the fact that in America, the church is still the most segregated major institution in America. At 11:00 on Sunday morning when we stand and sing and Christ has no east or west, we stand at the most segregated hour in this nation. This is tragic. Nobody of honesty can overlook this. Now, I'm sure that if the church had taken a stronger stand all along, we wouldn't have many of the problems that we have. The first way that the church can repent, the first way that it can move out into the arena of social reform is to remove the yoke of segregation from its own body. Now, I'm not saying that society must sit down and wait on a spiritual and moribund church as we've so often seen. I think it should have started in the church, but since it didn't start in the church, our society needed to move on. '''The church, itself, will stand under the judgement of God.''' Now that the mistake of the past has been made, I think that the opportunity of the future is to really go out and to transform American society, and where else is there a better place than in the institution that should serve as the moral guardian of the community. The institution that should preach brotherhood and make it a reality within its own body.
** &quot;Social Justice and the Emerging New Age&quot; address at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse, Western Michigan University (18 December 1963)

* I think we must honestly face a fact if one gets behind in a race, he must eternally remain behind or run faster than the man in front. You've got to give him the equipment to catch up. Now the fact is that the Negro has had 244 years of slavery in America and working without wages and then he's had a hundred years of segregation and mistreatment in generally. Now, he's faced with a very serious problem and that is that he is required to be as productive as people who have not had these conditions and the only thing that a society can do for individuals who have been deprived of something is to give them a little special treatment. Now you don't put anybody out of a job, but you just make it possible for the individuals who are behind to catch up.
** &quot;Social Justice and the Emerging New Age&quot; address at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse, Western Michigan University (18 December 1963)

* '''The time is always right to do what's right.'''
** &quot;The Future of Integration&quot;, address in Finney Chapel at Oberlin College (22 October 1964), as quoted in &lt;!-- DEAD LINK [http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2008/01/21/when-mlk-came-to-oberlin/  --&gt; &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008); he also used a slight variant of this &quot;'''the time is always right to do right'''&quot; in a later speech [[Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.#Remaining_Awake_Through_a_Great_Revolution_(1965)|&quot;Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution]]&quot; delivered at Oberlin in 1965.

* Let us therefore continue our triumphal march to the realization of the American dream.... for all of us today, the battle is in our hands... The road ahead is not altogether a smooth one. There are no broad highways that lead us easily and inevitably to quick solutions... We are still in for the season of suffering... How long? Not long. Because no lie can live forever... our God is marching on.
** Speech on the steps of the State Capitol Building, Montgomery, Alabama (25 March 1965), as transcribed from a tape recording; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989), which states that this speech was not reported in its entirety.

* '''Call it [[democracy]], or call it [[democratic socialism]], but there must be a better distribution of wealth within this country for all God's children.'''
** Speech to the Negro American Labor Council (May 1965), as quoted in ''From Civil Rights to Human Rights : Martin Luther King, Jr., and the Struggle for Economic Justice'' (2009), by Thomas F. Jackson, p. 230

* The labor movement was the principal force that transformed misery and despair into hope and progress. Out of its bold struggles, economic and social reform gave birth to unemployment insurance, old-age pensions, government relief for the destitute and, above all, new wage levels that meant not mere survival but a tolerable life. The captains of industry did not lead this transformation; they resisted it until they were overcome. When in the thirties the wave of union organization crested over the nation, it carried to secure shores not only itself but the whole society.
** [http://www.aft.org/yourwork/tools4teachers/bhm/mlktalks.cfm Speech to the state convention of the Illinois American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL–CIO) (7 October 1965)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)

* '''Of all the forms of inequality, injustice in healthcare is the most shocking and inhumane.'''
** ''Speech to the Second National Convention of the Medical Committee for Human Rights'' – Chicago (25 March 1966), as quoted in Dan Munro, [http://www.forbes.com/sites/danmunro/2013/08/28/americas-forgotten-civil-right-healthcare/ &quot;America's Forgotten Civil Right - Healthcare&quot;], ''Forbes'' (28 August 2013). See also: [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amanda-moore/martin-luther-king-health-care_b_2506393.html Amanda Moore, &quot;Tracking Down Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Words on Health Care&quot;, ''Huffington Post'' (18 August 2013)]

* '''The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate.''' In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. ... Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. '''Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.''' 
** 'Where Do We Go From Here?&quot; as published in ''Where Do We Go from Here : Chaos or Community?'' (1967), p. 62; many statements in this book, or slight variants of them, were also part of his address ''Where Do We Go From Here?&quot; which has a section below. A common variant appearing at least as early as 1968 has &quot;Returning violence for violence multiplies violence...&quot; An early version of the speech as published in ''A Martin Luther King Treasury'' (1964), p. 173, has : &quot;Returning hate for hate multiplies hate...&quot;

* '''Many of the ugly pages of American history have been obscured and forgotten.''' A society is always eager to cover misdeeds with a cloak of forgetfulness, but no society can fully repress an ugly past when the ravages persist into the present. America owes a debt of justice which it has only begun to pay. If it loses the will to finish or slackens in its determination, history will recall its crimes and the country that would be great will lack the most indispensable element of greatness — justice.
** ''Where Do We Go from Here : Chaos or Community?'' (1967), p. 109

* Above all he did not content himself with hurling invectives for emotional release and then to retire into smug, passive satisfaction. History had taught him it is not enough for people to be angry — '''the supreme task is to organize and unite people so that their anger becomes a transforming force'''.
** &quot;Honoring Dr. DuBois&quot;, speech at International Cultural Evening at Carnegie Hall, 23 February 1968, published in ''Freedomways: A Quarterly Review of the Negro Freedom Movement'', compiled in Esther Cooper Jackson (ed.), ''Freedomways Reader: Prophets In Their Own Country'', [https://books.google.com/books?id=-oivNmSJOfAC&amp;pg=PA36&amp;dq=%22the+supreme+task+is+to+organize+and+unite%22 p. 36]

* '''I think it is necessary to say that what is basic and what is needed in the Middle East is peace. Peace for Israel is one thing. Peace for the Arab side of that world is another thing. Peace for Israel means security, and we must stand with all of our might to protect its right to exist, its territorial integrity. I see Israel, and never mind saying it, as one of the great outposts of democracy in the world, and a marvelous ex­ample of what can be done, how desert land almost can be transformed into an oasis of brotherhood and democracy. Peace for Israel means security and that security must be a reality.'''
** 68th Annual Convention of the Rabbinical Assembly for Conservative Judaism, March 25, 1968, less than 2 weeks before his death. [http://allenbwest.com/2014/02/martin-luther-kings-pro-israel-legacy/ Source: ''Martin Luther King's pro-Israel legacy'' by Allen B. West on February 15, 2014 at AllenBWest.com.] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvr2Cxuh2Wk 2012-01-15 Youtube video Martin Luther King Jr: &quot;Israel... is one of the great outpost of democracy in the world&quot; by Youtube user Israel SDM][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Dd7pIB0CP0 2014-06-09 Youtube video Dr. King's pro-Israel Legacy (in 5 minutes) by IBSI - Institute for Black Solidarity with Israel]

* '''On the other hand, we must see what peace for the Arabs means in a real sense of security on another level. Peace for the Arabs means the kind of economic security that they so desperately need. These na­tions, as you know, are part of that third world of hunger, of disease, of illiteracy. I think that as long as these conditions exist there will be tensions, there will be the endless quest to find scapegoats. So there is a need for a Marshall Plan for the Middle East, where we lift those who are at the bottom of the economic ladder and bring them into the mainstream of economic security.'''
** 68th Annual Convention of the Rabbinical Assembly for Conservative Judaism, March 25, 1968, less than 2 weeks before his death. [http://allenbwest.com/2014/02/martin-luther-kings-pro-israel-legacy/ Source: ''Martin Luther King's pro-Israel legacy'' by Allen B. West on February 15, 2014 at AllenBWest.com.], See also [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Dd7pIB0CP0 2014-06-09 Youtube video Dr. King's pro-Israel Legacy (in 5 minutes) by IBSI - Institute for Black Solidarity with Israel]

* There are many signs that the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. Unless the early sacrificial spirit is recaptured, I am very much afraid that today's Christian church will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and we will see the Christian church dismissed as a social club with no meaning or effectiveness for our time, as a form without substance, as salt without savor. The real tragedy, though, is not Martin Luther King's disillusionment with the church -- for I am sustained by its spiritual blessings as a minister of the gospel with a lifelong commitment: The tragedy is that in my travels, I meet young people of all races whose disenchantment with the church has soured into outright disgust.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* I must say that when my Southern Christian Leadership Conference began its work in Birmingham, we encountered numerous Negro church reactions that had to be overcome. Negro ministers were among other Negro leaders who felt they were being pulled into something that they had not helped to organize. This is almost always a problem. Negro community unity was the first requisite if our goals were to be realized. I talked with many groups, including one group of 200 ministers, my theme to them being that a minister cannot preach the glories of heaven while ignoring social conditions in his own community that cause men an earthly hell. I stressed that the Negro minister had particular freedom and independence to provide strong, firm leadership, and I asked how the Negro would ever gain freedom without his minister's guidance, support and inspiration. These ministers finally decided to entrust our movement with their support, and as a result, the role of the Negro church today, by and large, is a glorious example in the history of Christendom. For never in Christian history, within a Christian country, have Christian churches been on the receiving end of such naked brutality and violence as we are witnessing here in America today. Not since the days of the Christians in the catacombs has God's house, as a symbol, weathered such attack as the Negro churches.&lt;br/&gt;I shall never forget the grief and bitterness I felt on that terrible September morning when a bomb blew out the lives of those four little, innocent girls sitting in their Sunday-school class in the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham. I think of how a woman cried out, crunching through broken glass, &quot;My God, we're not even safe in church!&quot; I think of how that explosion blew the face of Jesus Christ from a stained-glass window. It was symbolic of how sin and evil had blotted out the life of Christ. I can remember thinking that if men were this bestial, was it all worth it? Was there any hope? Was there any way out?... time has healed the wounds -- and buoyed me with the inspiration of another moment which I shall never forget: when I saw with my own eyes over 3000 young Negro boys and girls, totally unarmed, leave Birmingham's 16th Street Baptist Church to march to a prayer meeting -- ready to pit nothing but the power of their bodies and souls against Bull Connor's police dogs, clubs and fire hoses. When they refused Connor's bellowed order to turn back, he whirled and shouted to his men to turn on the hoses. It was one of the most fantastic events of the Birmingham story that these Negroes, many of them on their knees, stared, unafraid and unmoving, at Connor's men with the hose nozzles in their hands. Then, slowly the Negroes stood up and advanced, and Connor's men fell back as though hypnotized, as the Negroes marched on past to hold their prayer meeting. I saw there, I felt there, for the first time, the pride and the power of nonviolence.&lt;br/&gt;Another time I will never forget was one Saturday night, late, when my brother telephoned me in Atlanta from Birmingham -- that city which some call &quot;Bombingham&quot; -- which I had just left. He told me that a bomb had wrecked his home, and that another bomb, positioned to exert its maximum force upon the motel room in which I had been staying, had injured several people. My brother described the terror in the streets as Negroes, furious at the bombings, fought whites. Then, behind his voice, I heard a rising chorus of beautiful singing: &quot;We shall overcome.&quot; Tears came into my eyes that at such a tragic moment, my race still could sing its hope and faith.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* &quot;What more will the Negro want?&quot; &quot;What will it take to make these demonstrations end?&quot; Well, I would like to reply with another rhetorical question: Why do white people seem to find it so difficult to understand that the Negro is sick and tired of having reluctantly parceled out to him those rights and privileges which all others receive upon birth or entry in America? I never cease to wonder at the amazing presumption of much of white society, assuming that they have the right to bargain with the Negro for his freedom. This continued arrogant ladling out of pieces of the rights of citizenship has begun to generate a fury in the Negro. Even so, he is not pressing for revenge, or for conquest, or to gain spoils, or to enslave, or even to marry the sisters of those who have injured him. What the Negro wants -- and will not stop until he gets -- is absolute and unqualified freedom and equality here in this land of his birth, and not in Africa or in some imaginary state. The Negro no longer will be tolerant of anything less than his due right and heritage. He is pursuing only that which he knows is honorably his. He knows that he is right.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* There are two kinds of laws: man's and God's. A man-made code that squares with the moral law, or the law of God, is a just law. But a man-made code that is inharmonious with the moral law is an unjust law. And an unjust law, as St. Augustine said, is no law at all. Thus a law that is unjust is morally null and void, and must be defied until it is legally null and void as well. Let us not forget, in the memories of 6,000,000 who died, that everything Adolf Hitler did in Germany was 'legal', and that everything the Freedom Fighters in Hungary did was 'illegal.'
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* '''I'm getting sick and tired of people saying that this movement has been infiltrated by Communists. There are as many Communists in this freedom movement as there are Eskimos in Florida.'''
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* It is not a threat but a fact of history that if an oppressed people's pent-up emotions are not nonviolently released, they will be violently released. So let the Negro march. Let him make pilgrimages to city hall. Let him go on freedom rides. And above all, make an effort to understand why he must do this. For if his frustration and despair are allowed to continue piling up, millions of Negroes will seek solace and security in black-nationalist ideologies. And this, inevitably, would lead to a frightening racial nightmare.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* Except in a few metropolitan ghettos, my experience has been that few Negroes have any interest at all in this organization, much less give any allegiance to its pessimistic doctrines. The Black Muslims are a quasi-religious, sociopolitical movement that has appealed to some Negroes who formerly were Christians. For the first time, the Negro was presented with a choice of a religion other than Christianity. What this appeal actually represented was an indictment of Christian failures to live up to Christianity's precepts; for there is nothing in Christianity, nor in the Bible, that justifies racial segregation. But when the Negroes' genuine fighting spirit rose during 1963, the appeal of the Muslims began to diminish.
** In reference to the Black Muslims who advocated Black Nacionalism. At his [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* What happens in Johannesburg affects Birmingham, however indirectly. We are descendants of the Africans. Our heritage is Africa. We should never seek to break the ties, nor should the Africans.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* '''I met [[Malcolm X]] once in Washington, but circumstances didn't enable me to talk with him for more than a minute. He is very articulate ... but I totally disagree with many of his political and philosophical views — at least insofar as I understand where he now stands.''' I don't want to seem to sound self-righteous, or [[absolutist]], or that I think I have the only truth, the only way. Maybe he does have some of the answer. '''I don't know how he feels now, but I know that I have often wished that he would talk less of violence, because violence is not going to solve our problem.''' And in his litany of articulating the despair of the Negro without offering any positive, creative alternative, I feel that Malcolm has done himself and our people a great disservice. Fiery, demagogic oratory in the black ghettos, urging Negroes to arm themselves and prepare to engage in violence, as he has done, can reap nothing but grief.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* I decided that perhaps I would like to think of myself as an extremist -- in the light of the spirit which made Jesus an extremist for love. If it sounds as though I am comparing myself to the Savior, let me remind you that all who honor themselves with the claim of being &quot;Christians&quot; should compare themselves to Jesus. Thus I consider myself an extremist for that brotherhood of man which Paul so nobly expressed: &quot;There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.&quot; Love is the only force on earth that can be dispensed or received in an extreme manner, without any qualifications, without any harm to the giver or to the receiver.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* '''I endorse it. I think it was correct. Contrary to what many have said, it sought to outlaw neither prayer nor belief in god. In a pluralistic society such as ours, who is to determine what prayer shall be spoken and by whom? Legally, constitutionally or otherwise, the state certainly has no such right.'''
** King sharing his thoughts on the U.S. Supreme Court's decision to ban school prayer, ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* One cannot be in my position, looked to by some for guidance, without being constantly reminded of the awesomeness of its responsibility. I live with one deep concern: Am I making the right decisions? '''Sometimes I am uncertain, and I must look to God for guidance.''' There was one morning I recall, when I was in the Birmingham jail, in solitary, with not even my lawyers permitted to visit, and I was in a nightmare of despair. The very future of our movement hung in the balance, depending upon capricious turns of events over which I could have no control there, incommunicado, in an utterly dark dungeon. This was about ten days after our Birmingham demonstrations began. Over 400 of our followers had gone to jail; some had been bailed out, but we had used up all of our money for bail, and about 300 remained in jail, and I felt personally responsible. It was then that President Kennedy telephoned my wife, Coretta. After that, my jail conditions were relaxed, and the following Sunday afternoon -- it was Easter Sunday -- two S.C.L.C. attorneys were permitted to visit me. The next day, word came to me from New York that Harry Belafonte had raised $50,000 that was available immediately for bail bonds, and if more was needed, he would raise that. '''I cannot express what I felt, but I knew at that moment that [[God]]'s presence had never left me, that He had been with me there in solitary.'''
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080706183244/http://www.playboy.com/arts-entertainment/features/mlk/04.html Interview in ''Playboy'' (January 1965)]

* '''If a city has a 30% Negro population, then it is logical to assume that Negroes should have at least 30% of the jobs in any particular company, and jobs in all categories rather than only in menial areas.'''
** from a 1968 ''Playboy'' magazine interview{{fix cite}}

* We know of no more crucial civil rights issue facing Congress today than the need to increase the federal minimum wage and extend its coverage.
** [http://www.aft.org/yourwork/tools4teachers/bhm/mlktalks.cfm Statement on minimum wage legislation (18 March 1966)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)

* We believe it is imperative that farm laborers, among the most abused and neglected of all American workers, be included at last among those who benefit from the [[Fair Labor Standards Act|Fair Labor Standards Act]]. We want coverage extended to include those millions in retail trades, laundries, hospitals and nursing homes, restaurants, hotels, small logging operations and cotton gins who still work for starvation wages.
** Statement on minimum wage legislation (18 March 1966)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)

* While we are mindful of the shocking fact that less than one-half of all non-white workers are covered by the [[Fair Labor Standards Act|Fair Labor Standards Act]], we do not speak for Negro workers only. A living wage should be the right of all working Americans, and this is what we wish to urge upon our Congressmen and Senators as they now prepare to deal with this legislation.
** Statement on minimum wage legislation (18 March 1966)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)

* The backlash is merely the surfacing of prejudices . . . that already existed and . . . are just now starting to open.
** Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Seventh Annual Gandhi Memorial Lecture, Howard Univ., Washington, D.C. (6 November 1966), quoted in [http://www.freedomtomarry.org/document.asp?doc_id=2030 ''What do the election results mean for the move toward marriage equality?'' by Evan Wolfson (3 November 2004)]

*  [[Thích Nhất Hạnh|Thich Nhat Hanh]] offers a way out of this nightmare, a [[solution]] acceptable to [[rational]] [[leaders]]. He has traveled the [[world]], counseling statesmen, [[religious]] leaders, [[scholars]] and [[writers]], and enlisting their support. His [[ideas]] for [[peace]], if applied, would build a monument to ecumenism, to world [[brotherhood]], to [[humanity]].
** [http://www.hartford-hwp.com/archives/45a/025.html Letter of nomination of Nhat Hanh for the Nobel Peace Prize (25 January 1967)] at Hartford-HWP Archives

* In the final analysis the weakness of Black Power is its failure to see that the black man needs the white man and the white man needs the black man. However much we may try to romanticize the slogan, '''there is no separate black path to power and fulfillment that dies not intersect white paths, and there is no separate white path to power and fulfillment, short of social disaster, that does not share that power with black aspirations for freedom and human dignity. We are bound together in a single garment of destiny. The language, the cultural patterns, the music, the material prosperity, and even the food of America are an amalgam of black and white.'''
** As quoted in ''[[w:Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?|Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?]]'' (1967)

* The evils of [[capitalism]] are as real as the evils of militarism and evils of racism.
** As quoted in ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=DNId6HxkzQwC&amp;pg=PA247&amp;dq=%22The+evils+of+capitalism+are+as+real+as+the+evils+of+militarism+and+evils+of+racism%22 The Myth of American Diplomacy: National Identity and U.S. Foreign Policy]'' (1968)

* '''I am not interested in [[power]] for power's sake, but I'm interested in power that is [[moral]], that is right and that is [[good]].'''
** As quoted in ''The Civil Sphere'' (2006) by Jeffrey C. Alexander, p. 388

==== Keep Moving from this Mountain (1960) ====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/keep-moving-mountain-address-spelman-college-10-april-1960 &quot;Keep Moving from this Mountain&quot; – Founders Day Address at the Sisters Chapel, Spelman College (11 April 1960)] · (see also the [[Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.#Keep_Moving_From_This_Mountain_(1965)|1965 address]] on this theme)&lt;/small&gt;

* As [[Moses]] sought to lead his people on, he discovered that there were those among them who would occasionally become emotionally and sentimentally attached to a particular spot so that they wanted to stay there and remain stationary at that point. One day when Moses confronted this problem, he wrote in the [[w:Deuteronomy|book of Deuteronomy]], the first chapter and the fifth verse: '''''&quot;You have been in this mountain long enough, turn ye and go on your journey, move on to the mountof the Amorite.&quot;''— This was a message of God through Moses. And whenever God speaks he says go forward, saying in substance that you must never become bogged down in mountains and situations that will impede your progress. You must never become complacently adjusted to unobtained goals; you have been in this mountain long enough, &quot;turn ye and take your journey&quot;.'''

* In every age and every generation men have envisioned some promised land. [[Plato]] envisioned it in his republic as a time when justice would reign throughout society and philosophers would become kings and kings philosophers. [[Karl Marx]] envisioned it as a classless society in which the proletariat would finally conquer the reign of the bourgeoisie; out of that idea came the slogan, &quot;from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.&quot; [[Edward Bellamy|Bellamy]], in ''Looking Backward'', thought of it as a day when the inequalities of monopoly capitalism would pass away. Society would exist onthe basis of evenness of economic output. [[Christianity]] envisioned it as the [[w:Kingdom of God|Kingdom of God]], a time when the will of God will reign supreme, and brotherhood, love, and right relationships will be the order of society. '''In every age and every generation men have dreamed of some promised land of fulfillment of freedom. Whether it was the right promised land or not, they dreamed of it. But in moving from some Egypt of slavery, whether in the intellectual, cultural or moral realm, toward some promised land, there is always the same temptation. Individuals will get bogged down in a particular mountain in a particular spot, and thereby become the victims of stagnant complacency.''' So, this afternoon, I would like to deal with three or four symbolic mountains that we have been in long enough-mountains that we must move out of if we are to go forward in our world and if civilization is to survive.

* '''I think we have been in the mountain of moral and ethical relativism long enough. To dwell in this mountain has become something of a fad these days,''' so we have come to believe that morality is a matter of group consensus. We attempt to discover what is right by taking a sort of gallup poll of the majority opinion. Everybody is doing it, so it must be all right, and therefore we are caught in the clutches of conformity... In a sense, we are no longer concerned about the [[w:ten commandments|ten commandments]]-they are not too important. Everybody is busy, as I have said so often, trying to obey the eleventh commandment: &quot;Thou shalt not get caught.&quot; And so, according to this view, it is all right to lie with a bit of finesse. It's all right to exploit, but be a dignified exploiter. It's all right to even hate, but dress your hate up into garments of love and make it appear that you are loving when you are actually hating. This type of moral and ethical relativism is sapping the very life's blood of the moral and spiritual life of our nation and our world. And '''I am convinced that if we are to be a great nation, and if we are to solve the problems of the world we must come out of this mountain. We have been in it too long. For if man fails to reorientate his life around moral and ethical values he may well destroy himself by the misuse of his own instrument.'''

* There is also the danger that our system can lead to tragic exploitation. We must come out of the mountain and be concerned about a more humane and just economic order. And '''I say, this afternoon, that we cannot solve this problem byturning to Communism. Communism is based on an ethical relativism and a metaphysical materialism that no Christian can accept.''' I do believe that in America we must use our vast resources of wealth to bridge the gulf between abject, deaden-ing poverty and superfluous, inordinate wealth. God has left enough space in this universe for all of his children to have the basic necessities of life.

* Segregation is a cancer in the body politic which must be removed before ourdemocratic health can be realized. '''The underlying philosophy of segregation is diametrically opposed to the underlying philosophy of democracy and Christianity and all the sophisms of the logicians cannot make them lie down together.''' We must make it clear that in our struggle to end this thing called segregation, we are not struggling for ourselves alone. We are not struggling only to free seventeen million Negroes. The festering sore of segregation debilitates the white man as well as the Negro. We are struggling to save the soul of America. We are struggling to save America in this very important decisive hour of her history

* I say to you, today, there is another way that combines the best points of both of these and avoids the evil points of both, and that is what we call nonviolent resistance. For here you have discovered a way of struggle which combines the militant and the moderate; a wayof struggle that combines the realistic and the idealistic; a way of struggle that combines the calm and courageous. '''You need not now bow to hate, you need not now bow to violence, for you have now discovered another way and another approach. It comes to us from the long Christian tradition, Jesus of Nazareth himself, coming down through [[Mahatma Gandhi]] of India, who took the love ethic of [[Jesus Christ]] and made it effective as a sociopolitical force and brought about the transformation of a great nation and achieved freedom for his people.

* We must keep moving. '''If you can't fly, run; if you can't run, walk; if you can't walk, crawl; but by all means keep moving.'''

==== The Rising Tide of Racial Consciousnes (1960) ====
[[File:Martin Luther King Monument, Uppsala.jpg|thumb|The best way to solve any problem is to remove the cause.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Estatua.JPG|thumb|One of the sure signs of maturity is the ability to rise to the point of self criticism.]]
[[File:Man sitting at MLK Jr. Memorial Library.jpg|thumb|The basic thing about a man is not his specific but his fundamentum]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol5/6Sept1960_TheRisingTideofRacialConsciousnessAddressattheGold.pdf Address at the Golden Anniversary Conference of the National Urban League, (6 September 1960), New York, N.Y]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''The best way to solve any problem is to remove the cause.'''

* It is a trite yet urgently true observation that '''if America is to remain a first-class nation, it cannot have second-class citizens.'''

* '''Whenever racial discrimination exists it is a tragic expression of man's spiritual degeneracy and moral bankruptcy. Therefore, it must be removed not merely because it is diplomatically expedient, but because it is morally compelling.'''

* '''Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.''' Therefore, no American can afford to be apathetic about the problem of racial justice. It is a problem that meets every man at his front door.

* In this period of social change the Negro must work on two fronts. On the one hand we must continue to break down the barrier of segregation. We must resist all forms of racial injustice. This resistance must always be on the highest level of dignity and discipline. It must never degenerate to the crippling level of violence. There is another way-a way as old as the insights of [[Jesus of Nazareth]] and as modern as the methods of [[Mahatma Gandhi]]. It is a way not for the weak and cowardly but for the strong and courageous. It has been variously called passive resistance, non-violent resistance or simply Christian love. It is my great hope that as the Negro plunges deeper into the quest for freedom, he will plunge deeper into the philosophy of non-violence. As a race we must work passionately and unrelentingly for first-class citizenship, but we must never use second class methods to gain it. Our aim must not be to defeat or humiliate the white man, but to win his friendship and understanding. '''We must never become bitter nor should we succumb to the temptation of using violence in the struggle, for if this happens, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness and our chief legacy to the future will be an endless reign of meaningless chaos.'''

* I feel that this way of non-violence is vital because it is the only way to reestablish the broken community. It is the method which seeks to implement the just law by appealing to the conscience of the great decent majority who through blindness, fear, pride or irrationality have allowed their consciences to sleep.

* '''The non-violent resistors can summarize their message in the following simple terms: we will take direct action against injustice without waiting for other agencies to act. We will not obey unjust laws or submit to unjust practices. We will do this peacefully, openly and cheerfully because our aim is to persuade. We adopt the means of non-violence because our end is a community at peace with itself. We will try to persuade with our words, but if our words fail, we will try to persuade with our acts. We will always be willing to talk and seek fair compromise, but we are ready to suffer when necessary and even risk our lives to become witnesses to the truth as we see it.'''

* But '''if physical death is the price that a man must pay to free his children and his white brethren from a permanent death of the spirit, then nothing could be more redemptive. This is the type of soul force that I am convinced will triumph over the physical force of the oppressor.'''

* '''One of the sure signs of maturity is the ability to rise to the point of self criticism.'''

* '''Doors are opening now that were not open in the past, and the great challenge facing minority groups is to be ready to enter these doors as they open. No greater tragedy could befall us at this hour but that of allowing new opportunities to emerge with out the concomitant preparedness to meet them.'''

* '''We must set out to do a good job irrespective of race. We must seek to do our life's work so well that nobody could do it better.'''

* We must work assiduously and with determined boldness to remove from the body politic this cancerous disease of discrimination which is preventing our democratic and Christian health from being realized. Then and only then will we be able to bring into full realization the dream of our American democracy-a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men do not argue that the color of a man's skin determines the content of his character, where they recognize that '''the basic thing about a man is not his specific but his fundamentum'''; a dream of a place where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of all human personality, and men will dare to live together as brothers-that is the dream.

==== Address to AFL–CIO (1961) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.aft.org/yourwork/tools4teachers/bhm/mlktalks.cfm Speaking to the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL–CIO) on (11 December 1961)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986); a booklet prepared by the Southern Labor Institute under the auspices of the Labor Subcommittee of the King Holiday Commission, designed by the AFT and printed by AFSCME&lt;/small&gt;

* Negroes in the United States read the history of labor and find it mirrors their own experience. We are confronted by powerful forces telling us to rely on the goodwill and understanding of those who profit by exploiting us. They deplore our discontent, they resent our will to organize, so that we may guarantee that humanity will prevail and equality will be exacted. They are shocked that action organizations, sit-ins, civil disobedience and protests are becoming our everyday tools, just as strikes, demonstrations and union organization became yours to insure that bargaining power genuinely existed on both sides of the table.

* '''We want to rely upon the goodwill of those who oppose us. Indeed, we have brought forward the method of nonviolence to give an example of unilateral goodwill in an effort to evoke it in those who have not yet felt it in their hearts. But we know that if we are not simultaneously organizing our strength we will have no means to move forward. If we do not advance, the crushing burden of centuries of neglect and economic deprivation will destroy our will, our spirits and our hope.''' In this way, labor's historic tradition of moving forward to create vital people as consumers and citizens has become our own tradition, and for the same reasons.

* Less than a century ago the laborer had no rights, little or no respect, and led a life which was socially submerged and barren....American industry organized misery into sweatshops and proclaimed the right of capital to act without restraints and without conscience. The inspiring answer to this intolerable and dehumanizing existence was economic organization through trade unions. The worker became determined not to wait for charitable impulses to grow in his employer. He constructed the means by which fairer sharing of the fruits of his toil had to be given to him or the wheels of industry, which he alone turned, would halt and wealth for no one would be available...

* '''History is a great teacher. Now everyone knows that the labor movement did not diminish the strength of the nation but enlarged it. By raising the living standards of millions, labor miraculously created a market for industry and lifted the whole nation to undreamed of levels of production. Those who attack labor forget these simple truths, but history remembers them.'''

* Negroes are almost entirely a working people.... '''Our needs are identical with labor's needs: decent wages, fair working conditions, livable housing, old-age security, health and welfare measures, conditions in which families can grow, have education for their children and respect in the community.''' That is why Negroes support labor's demands and fight laws which curb labor. '''That is why the labor-hater and labor-baiter is virtually always a twin-headed creature, spewing anti-Negro epithets from one mouth and anti-labor propaganda from the other mouth.'''

==== Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address (1962) ====
[[File:Stephens-reading-proclamation-1863.jpeg|thumb|All tyrants, past, present and future, are powerless to bury the truths in these declarations, no matter how extensive their legions, how vast their power and how malignant their evil. The [[Emancipation Proclamation]] was the offspring of the Declaration of Independence. It was a constructive use of the force of law to uproot a social order which sought to separate liberty from a segment of humanity.]]
[[File:Emancipation proclamation.jpg|thumb|When [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the [[Emancipation Proclamation]] it was not the act of an opportunistic politician issuing a hollow pronouncement to placate a pressure group. [...] Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance.]]
[[File:Emancipation Proclamation.jpg|thumb|There is but one way to commemorate the [[Emancipation Proclamation]]. That is to make its declarations of freedom real; to reach back to the origins of our nation when our message of equality electrified an unfree world, and reaffirm democracy by deeds as bold and daring as the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Address on the [[Emancipation Proclamation]] at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission's Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City (12 September 1962) · [http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Dr. Martin Luther King on the Emancipation Proclamation - Antietam National Battlefield (U.S. National Park Service)].&lt;/small&gt;

* If our nation had done nothing more in its whole history than to create just two documents, its contribution to civilization would be imperishable. The first of these documents is '''the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]''' and the other is that which we are here to honor tonight, '''the [[Emancipation Proclamation]]'''. '''All tyrants, past, present and future, are powerless to bury the truths in these declarations, no matter how extensive their legions, how vast their power and how malignant their evil.'''

* '''The Declaration of Independence proclaimed to a world, organized politically and spiritually around the concept of the inequality of man, that the dignity of human personality was inherent in man as a living being. The Emancipation Proclamation was the offspring of the Declaration of Independence. It was a constructive use of the force of law to uproot a social order which sought to separate liberty from a segment of humanity.'''

* Our pride and progress could be unqualified if the story might end here. But '''history reveals that America has been a schizophrenic personality where these two documents are concerned. On the one hand she has proudly professed the basic principles inherent in both documents. On the other hand she has sadly practiced the antithesis of these principles.'''

* '''The Emancipation Proclamation had four enduring results. First, it gave force to the executive power to change conditions in the national interest on a broad and far-reaching scale. Second, it dealt a devastating blow to the system of slaveholding and an economy built upon it, which had been muscular enough to engage in warfare on the Federal government. Third, it enabled the Negro to play a significant role in his own liberation with the ability to organize and to struggle, with less of the bestial retaliation his slave status had permitted to his masters. Fourth, it resurrected and restated the principle of equality upon which the founding of the nation rested.'''

* '''When [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the Emancipation Proclamation it was not the act of an opportunistic politician issuing a hollow pronouncement to placate a pressure group. Our truly great presidents were tortured deep in their hearts by the race question.''' [...] Lincoln's torments are well known, his vacillations were facts. In the seething cauldron of '62 and '63 Lincoln was called the &quot;Baboon President&quot; in the North, and &quot;coward&quot;, &quot;assassin&quot; and &quot;savage&quot; in the South. Yet he searched his way to the conclusions embodied in these words, &quot;[[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_.281862.29|In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free, honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve.]]&quot; On this moral foundation he personally prepared the first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, and to emphasize the decisiveness of his course he called his cabinet together and declared he was not seeking their advice as to its wisdom but only suggestions on subject matter. '''Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance.'''

* '''The Emancipation Proclamation shattered in one blow the slave system, undermining the foundations of the economy of the rebellious South; and guaranteed that no slave-holding class, if permitted to exist in defeat, could prepare a new and deadlier war after resuscitation. The Proclamation opened the door to self-liberation by the Negro upon which he immediately acted by deserting the plantations in the South and joining the Union armies in the North.''' 

* Beyond the war years '''the grim and tortured struggle of Negroes to win their own freedom is an epic of battle against frightful odds. If we have failed to do enough, it was not the will for freedom that was weak, but the forces against us which were too strong.'''

* '''There is but one way to commemorate the Emancipation Proclamation. That is to make its declarations of freedom real; to reach back to the origins of our nation when our message of equality electrified an unfree world, and reaffirm democracy by deeds as bold and daring as the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation.'''

==== Address to Cornell College (1962) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://news.cornellcollege.edu/dr-martin-luther-kings-visit-to-cornell-college/ Address to Cornell College, Mount Vernon, Iowa (15 October 1962)] &lt;/small&gt; 

* It is interesting to notice that the extreme pessimist and the extreme optimist agree on at least one point. They both feel that we must sit down and do nothing in the area of race relations. The extreme optimist says do nothing because integration is inevitable. The extreme pessimist says do nothing because integration is impossible. But there is a third attitude that can be taken, namely the realistic position. The realist in this area seeks to combine the truths of two opposites, while avoiding the extremes of both, and so '''the realist would agree with the optimist that we have come a long, long way in grappling with this problem, but he would balance that by agreeing with the pessimist that we have a long, long way to go before the problem is solved in the United States. And it is this realistic position that I would like to use as a basis for our thinking together as we think of progress and as we think of the future of integration.'''
* It was in the year 1619 that the first Negro slaves landed on the shores of this nation. They were brought here form the shores of Africa. Unlike the pilgrim fathers who landed at Plymouth a year later, there were brought here against their will. Throughout slavery, the Negro was treated in a very inhuman fashion. He was a thing that was used, not a person to be respected. He was little more than a depersonalized cog in a vast plantation machine. '''The famous [[w:Dred Scott decision|Dred Scott decision]] of 1857 well illustrated the status of the Negro during slavery, for in this decision, the Supreme Court of the nation said that the Negro was not a citizen of the United States, he was merely property subject to the dictates of his owner.'''

* '''It seems to be a fact of life that human beings cannot continue to do wrong without eventually reaching out for some thin rationalization to clothe the obvious wrong in the beautiful garments of righteousness.''' The philosopher-psychologist [[William James]] used to talk a great deal about the stream of consciousness. He says that the very interesting and unique thing about human nature is that man had the capacity temporarily to block the stream of consciousness and place anything in it that he wants to, and so we often end up justifying the rightness of the wrong. This is exactly what happened during the days of slavery. Even the Bible and religion were misused to crystallize the patterns of the status quo. And so it was argued from pulpits across the nation that the Negro was inferior by nature, because of Noah's curse upon the children of Ham. The apostle [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]'s dictum became a watchword: Servants, be obedient to your master. And then one brother had probably studied the logic of the great philosopher [[Aristotle]]. You know Aristotle did a great deal to bring into being what we know as formal logic, and he talked about the syllogism, which had a major premise and a minor premise and a conclusion. And so this brother could put his argument in the framework of an Aristotelian syllogism. He could say, All men are made in the image of God. This was the major premise; then came the minor premise: God, as everybody knows, is not a Negro. Therefore, the Negro is not a man. '''This was the type of reasoning that prevailed.'''

* '''The whole nation has come a long, long way in extending the frontiers of civil rights. If we are true to the facts, we must admit this. Twenty-five years ago, a year hardly passed when numerous Negroes were not brutally lynched by some vicious mob in the South. Today lynchings have about ceased.''' Twenty-five years ago, most of the states in the South had what was known as a poll-tax. The poll-tax system was cleverly contrived to keep many, many Negroes from becoming registered voters. Today the poll-tax has been eliminated in all but four states. And just a few weeks ago, Congress unanimously passed a bill amending the Constitution calling for an end to the poll-tax in all federal elections.

* The old order of segregation is gradually passing away. To put it figuratively and in Biblical language, we've broken loose from the Egypt of slavery, and we have moved through the wilderness of racial segregation, and now we stand on the border of the promised land of integration. There can be no gainsaying of the fact that the system of segregation is on its deathbed today, and the only thing uncertain about it is how costly the South will make the funeral. This reveals that we've come a long, long way since 1896.

* '''If I stopped at this point, I would be merely stating a fact, and not telling the truth. You see, a fact is merely the absence of contradiction, but truth is the presence of coherence. Truth is the relatedness of facts.''' Now it is a fact that we've come a long, long way, but it isn't the whole truth. In order to tell the truth, it would be necessary to add the other part, and I'm afraid that if I stopped at this point, I would leave you the victims of a dangerous optimism. If I stopped here, I would leave you the victims of an illusion wrapped in superficialities. So in order to tell the truth, it is necessary to move on and not only say that we've come a long, long way, but that we've a long, long way to go before the American dream is a reality, before this problem is solved.

* '''It is one of the strange ironies of history, that in a nation founded on the principle that all men are created equal, men are still arguing over whether the color of a man's skin determines the content of his character.'''

* '''All types of conniving methods are still being used to keep Negroes from becoming registered voters.''' Complex literacy tests are often given, with questions that a Ph. D. in any field or a person with a law degree from any great law university in the world could not answer to the even more difficult question of, how many bubbles do you find on a bar of soap? They tell me that occasionally they will ask that question in Mississippi and Alabama. And there are still millions of Negroes who are not registered to vote because of these methods being used.

* Even in terms of breaking down the barriers of segregation, there is still much to be done. It may be true, as I just said, figuratively speaking that old man segregation is on his deathbed. But history has proven that social systems have a great last-minute breathing power, and the guardians of the status quo are always on hand with their oxygen tents to keep the old order alive. And so segregation is still with us. We still confront it in the South in its glaring and conspicuous forms. We still confront it in every other section of this country in its hidden and subtle forms. But if democracy is to live, segregation must die, for racial segregation is a cancer in the body politic. '''Segregation must be removed before our moral and democratic health can be realized.'''

* I know that there are those that are saying to the individuals who are involved in the freedom struggle, slow up for a while; you're pushing things too fast. Or they may say, adopt a policy of moderation. Well, if moderation means moving on toward the goal of justice, with wise restraint and calm reasonableness, then moderation is a great virtue, which all men of good will must seek to achieve during this tense period of transition. But if moderation means slowing up in the move for freedom, capitulating to the undemocratic practices of the guardians of a deadening status quo, then moderation is a tragic vice which all men of good will must condemn. The fact is, we can't afford to slow up. We have our self-respect to maintain, but even more than that, because of our love for democracy and because of our love for America, we can't afford to slow up.&lt;!-- There are approximately three billion people in our world. The vast majority of these people live in Asia and in Africa. For many, many years, these people have been dominated politically, exploited economically, segregated and humiliated by some foreign power. Today they are gaining their independence. More than one billion, seven hundred million of the former colonial subjects have gained their independence, and they are saying in no uncertain terms that racism and colonialism must go. --&gt; 

* '''The forces of good will must be mobilized in order to go the additional distance and make integration and the brotherhood of man a reality.''' First, the federal government must use all of its constitutional authority to enforce the law of the land. As we look back over the years, we must honestly admit that only one branch of the government has given consistent, forthright, vigorous leadership, namely the judicial branch of the government, but the executive and legislative branches of the government have been all too apathetic, all too silent, and sometimes hypocritical. The time has come for all of the branches of the federal government to work in a vigorous manner to make integration a reality.

* '''Time is neutral. It can be used either constructively or destructively, and I'm convinced that in many points the people of ill will in the United States have used time much more effectively than the people of good will.''' It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people. Something must come to remind us that human progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability; evolution may be true in the biological realm — at that point Darwin is right; but when a Herbert Spencer seeks to apply it to the whole of society, there is very little evidence for it. '''Human progress comes through the tireless efforts and the persistent work of dedicated individuals who are willing to be co-workers with God. Without this hard work, time itself becomes the ally of the primitive forces of irrational emotionalism and social stagnation. And so we must help time, and realize that the time is always ripe to do right.'''

* Education does have a great role to play in this period of transition. But it is not ''either'' education ''or'' legislation; it is ''both'' education and legislation. '''It may be true that morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important also.''' It may be true that the law cannot change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless, and this is what we often so and we have to do in society through legislation. We must depend on religion and education to change bad internal attitudes, but we need legislation to control the external effects of those bad internal attitudes. And so there is a need for meaningful civil right legislation.
** Also quoted in ''Wall Street Journal'' (13 November 1962), ''Notable &amp; Quotable '', p. 18
** Variant:
** '''It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you love me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important.'''
*** Address at Finney Chapel, Oberlin College (22 October 1964), as reported in &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008)

* '''I would not have you believe for one minute tonight that there are not white persons of good will in the South.''' I am absolutely convinced that there are hundred and thousands, nay millions of white people of good will in the South, but most of them are silent today because of fear — fear of political, social and economic reprisal. God grant that the people of good will will rise up with courage, take over the leadership, and open channels of communication between races, for I think that one of the tragedies of our whole struggle is that the South is still trying to live in monologue, rather than dialogue, and '''I am convinced that men hate each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because that don't know each other and they don't know each other because they don't communicate with each other, and they don't communicate with each other because they are separated from each other. And God grant that something will happen to open channels of communication, that something will happen because men of good will will rise to the level of leadership.''' 

* There is also need for leadership and concern on the part of white people of good will in the North, if this problem is to be solved. Genuine liberalism on the question of race. And what we too often find in the North is a sort of quasi-liberalism based on the principle of looking objectively at all sides, and it is a liberalism that gets so involved in looking at all sides, that it doesn't get committed to either side. It is a liberalism that is so objectively analytical that it fails to get subjectively committed. It is a liberalism that is neither hot nor cold but lukewarm. And we must come to see that his problem in the United States is not a sectional problem, but a national problem. No section of our country can boast of clean hands in the area of brotherhood. It is one thing for a white person of good will in the North to rise up with righteous indignation when a bus is burned in Anniston, Alabama, with freedom riders, or when a nasty mob assembles around a University of Mississippi, and even goes to the point of killing and injuring people to keep one Negro out of the university, or when a Negro is lynched or churches burned in the South; but that same person of good will must rise up with the same righteous indignation when a Negro in his state or in his city cannot live in a particular neighborhood because of the color of his skin, or cannot join a particular academic society or fraternal order or sorority because of the color of his or her skin, or cannot get a particular job in a particular firm because her happens to be a Negro. In other words, a genuine liberalism will see that the problem can exist even in one's front and back yard, and '''injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.'''

* '''If integration is to be a reality, the Negro must struggle for it.''' And so the Negro must continue to work through legislation; he must continue to work to double the number of registered voters, so that he political climate can be changed; he must continue to work through the courts, and get the law clarified and the Constitution clear on this issue. Then even after working in these areas, he must understand that '''a court order can only declare rights; it can never thoroughly deliver them. And only when people themselves begin to act, are rights which are on thin paper given life blood. And so the Negro must supplement all that is done through legislation, through voting, and through the courts with non-violent direct action.'''

* '''One of the great philosophical debates of the centuries has been over the whole question of ends and means.''' There have been those individuals from [[Machiavelli]] on down who argued that the end justifies the means. Sometimes systems of government have followed this theory. Listen to [[Lenin]] as he says &quot;Lying, deceit, violence, concealing and withholding the truth are all justifiable means to bring about the end of the classless society.&quot;  This is the great weakness and tragedy of communism and any other system that argues that the end justifies the means, for '''in a real sense, the end is pre-existent in the means; the means represent the ideal in the making, and the end in process. In the long run of history, immoral means cannot bring about moral ends. Destructive means cannot bring about constructive goals. The beauty of non-violence is that is makes it possible for the individual to struggle to secure moral ends through moral means.''' Another thing about it is that is makes it possible for the individual to apply the love-ethic in the struggle for freedom and justice. It makes it possible for the individual to place love at the center of his life, and thereby transform a social situation. This is the beauty of non-violence, because '''hate is always injurious. It is as injurious to the hater as it is to the hated.''' Psychiatrists are telling us now of many of the strange things that have happened in the subconscious. Many of the inner conflicts are rooted in hate, and so they are saying now, love or perish. And the beauty of non-violence is that it is possible to fight war without violence, and it is possible to struggle for that which is right with love in one's heart.

* Now when I talk about love, I'm not talking about emotional bosh; I'm not talking about some weak, sentimental something; I'm talking about something strong and powerful. I'm talking about something that is active good will, not just a passive, dead something. &lt;!-- People always raise the question, how can you love those who are oppressing you, those who are seeking to defeat you, those who are trampling over you with the iron feet of oppression — how can you love such people? And I always have to answer that question by going back to the Greek language, there I think it helps up in dealing with this question. There are three words in the Greek language for love. One is the word ''eros''. ''Eros'' is a sort of aesthetic love. Plato used to talk about it a great deal in his ''Dialogues'', &quot;the yearning of the soul for the realm of the divine.&quot;  It has come to us to be in a sense, romantic love, and so we all know about eros. In this sense, we have experienced it and read about it in all of the beauties of literature. In a sense, Edgar Allen Poe was talking about ''eros'' when he talked about his beautiful Annabel Lee, &quot;with a love surrounded by the halo of eternity.&quot;  In a sense, Shakespeare was talking about eros when he said, &quot;Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is a star to every wandering bark?&quot;  You know, I can remember that because I used to quote it to my wife when we were courting. That's eros.&lt;br /&gt; Then the Greek language talks about ''philia'', which is another level of love. It is a sort of intimate affection between personal friends. On this level, you love because you are loved. You love those people that you like to be with, to talk with, that you have things in common with. In other words, this is friendship. &lt;br /&gt; The Greek language comes out with another word. It is the word ''agape''. --&gt;

*''' ''[[Agape]]'' is more than aesthetic or romantic love. ''Agape'' is more than friendship. ''Agape'' is creative, redemptive good for all men. It is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return.''' Theologians would say that it is the love of God operating in the human heart, and when one rises to love on this level, he loves every man, not because he likes that particular person, but because God loves him, and he rises to the level of loving the person who does the evil deed, while hating the deed that the person does. And I think that this is what [[Jesus]] meant when he said, &quot;Love your enemies,&quot; and I'm happy that he didn't say &quot;Like you enemies,&quot; because it's pretty difficult to like some people.  &quot;Like&quot; is affectionate, &quot;like&quot; is sentimental at points, and it's pretty difficult to like somebody bombing your home or threatening your children, or seeking to destroy you. It's pretty difficult to like them, but Jesus says, love them, and &quot;love&quot; is greater than &quot;like.&quot; ''' &quot;Love&quot; is understanding, creative good will, for all men, and I believe firmly that it is this kind of love that will lead us on through this period of transition, and make it possible for us to achieve the real society of brotherhood.'''

* &lt;!-- This is what we try to teach in the struggle for freedom and justice in the non-violent movement in the South. --&gt; '''We have come to the point where we are able to say to those who will even use violence to block us, we will match you capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet you physical force with soul force.''' Do to us what you will, and we will still love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws, because noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. And so throw us in jail, and we will still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and, as difficult as it is, we will still love you.
* God is not interested merely in the freedom of black men and brown men and any other men. '''God is interested in the freedom of the whole human race and the creation of a society where all men will live together as brothers and where every man will respect the dignity and the worth of human personality. This is what we work for and this is the good society which we must seek in America. But it will not come until enough people are willing to stand up and mobilize forces of good will, to seek to implement that which is just and right.'''

*&lt;!-- Modern psychology has a word that is probably used more than any other word in modern psychology. It is the word &quot;maladjusted.&quot;  This word is the ringing cry of modern child psychology. And certainly we all want to live the well adjusted life in order to avoid neurotic and schizophrenic personalities. But --&gt; '''I say to you in very honest terms that there are some things in our social order and in the world to which I'm proud to be maladjusted, and I would hope the men of good will will be maladjusted to these same things until the good society is realized.''' I never intend to adjust myself to segregation and discrimination. I never intend to become adjusted to religious bigotry. I never intend to adjust myself to the madness of militarism and the self-defeating effects of physical violence.
* '''It is no longer a choice between violence and non-violence; it is either non-violence or non-existence.''' The alternative to disarmament, the alternative to suspension of nuclear tests, the alternative to strengthening the United Nations and disarming the whole world may well be a civilization plunged into the abyss of annihilation. I never intend to become adjusted to the madness of militarism, and maybe the great need of our nation and our world today is for a society of the creative maladjusted, men and women who will be as maladjusted as the prophet [[Amos]], who in the midst of the injustices of his day, could cry out in words that echo across the centuries, &quot;Let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.&quot;  As maladjusted as [[Abraham Lincoln]], who had the vision to see that this nation could not exist half slave and half free. As maladjusted as [[Thomas Jefferson]], who in the midst of an age amazingly adjusted to slavery could cry out in words lifted to cosmic proportions, &quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.''  As maladjusted as [[Jesus]] of Nazareth, who in the midst of the fascinating and intricate military machinery of the Roman Empire could cry out, &quot;He who lives by the sword will perish by the sword,&quot; and also, &quot;Love your enemies; bless them that curse you, pray for them that do spitefully use you.&quot;  And '''I believe that such maladjustment will help us emerge from the bleak and desolate midnight of man's inhumanity to man into the bright and glittering daybreak of freedom and justice. And then we will be able to go that additional distance, and we will speed up the day when all of God's children, white men and black men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands right here in America and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, &quot;Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!&quot;'''

==== ''[[w:Strength to Love|Strength to Love]]'' (1963) ====
[[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] at its best is a [[creative]] synthesis of opposites in fruitful [[harmony]].]]
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the [[dove]], a tough mind and a tender [[heart]].]]
[[File:Tiffany Education (center).JPG|thumb|[[Science]] investigates; [[religion]] interprets. Science gives man [[knowledge]] which is [[power]]; religion gives man [[wisdom]] which is control. Science deals mainly with [[facts]]; religion deals mainly with [[values]]. The two are not rivals. They are complementary.]]
[[File:Kung king belafonte.jpg|thumb|There is little [[hope]] for us until we become toughminded enough to break loose from the shackles of [[prejudice]], half-truths, and downright [[ignorance]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= Online text at Google Books]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''The strong man holds in a living blend strongly marked opposites.''' The idealists are usually not realistic, and the realists are not usually idealistic. The militant are not generally known to be passive, nor the passive to be militant. Seldom are the humble self-assertive, or the self-assertive humble. '''But [[life]] at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful [[harmony]].''' The philosopher [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]] said that [[truth]] is found neither in the thesis nor the antithesis, but in the emergent synthesis which reconciles the two.
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* '''[[Jesus]] recognized the need for blending opposites.''' He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile [[world]], where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose [[hearts]] had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. ... And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.&quot; ... '''We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough [[mind]] and a tender [[heart]].'''
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* '''The tough mind is sharp and penetrating, breaking through the crust of [[legends]] and [[myths]] and sifting the true from the false.''' The tough-minded individual is astute and discerning. He has a strong austere [[quality]] that makes for firmness of [[purpose]] and solidness of commitment. &lt;br /&gt; Who doubts that this toughness is one of man's greatest needs? '''Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid [[thinking]]. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. [[Nothing]] pains some people more than having to think.'''
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* Softmindedness often invades religion. ... Softminded persons have revised the Beautitudes to read &quot;Blessed are the pure in [[ignorance]]: for they shall see [[God]].&quot; This has led to a widespread [[belief]] that there is a conflict between [[science]] and [[religion]]. But this is not true. There may be a conflict between softminded religionists and toughminded scientists, but not between science and religion. ... '''Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man [[knowledge]] which is [[power]]; religion gives man [[wisdom]] which is control. Science deals mainly with [[facts]]; religion deals mainly with [[values]]. The two are not rivals. They are complementary.'''
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* When confronted by midnight in the social order we have in the past turned to science for help. And little wonder! On so many occasions science has saved us. When we were in the midnight of physical limitation and material inconvenience, science lifted us to the bright morning of physical and material comfort. When we were in the midnight of crippling ignorance and superstition, science brought us to the daybreak of the free and open mind. When we were in the midnight of dread plagues and diseases, science, through surgery, sanitation, and the wonder drugs, ushered in the bright day of physical health, thereby prolonging our lives and making for greater security and physical well-being. How naturally we turn to science in a day when the problems of the world are so ghastly and ominous. But alas! science cannot now rescue us, for even the scientist is lost in the terrible midnight of our age. Indeed, science gave us the very instruments that threaten to bring universal suicide.'''
** ''[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/multimediaentry/doc_a_knock_at_midnight/ A Knock on Midnight]''

* There is little [[hope]] for us until we become toughminded enough to break loose from the shackles of [[prejudice]], half-truths, and downright [[ignorance]]. The shape of the world today does not permit us the luxury of softmindedness. '''A [[nation]] or a [[civilization]] that continues to produce softminded men purchases its own spiritual [[death]] on an installment plan.''' &lt;br /&gt; But we must not stop with the cultivation of a tough mind. The gospel also demands a tender heart. ... What is more tragic than to see a person who has risen to the disciplined heights of toughmindedness but has at the same time sunk to the passionless depths of hardheartedness?
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* The [[greatness]] of our [[God]] lies in the fact that He is both toughminded and tenderhearted.
** Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart

* '''The [[hope]] of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists, who are dedicated to [[justice]], [[peace]], and [[brotherhood]]. The trailblazers in [[human]], academic, [[scientific]], and [[religious]] [[freedom]] have always been nonconformists. In any cause that concerns the [[progress]] of [[mankind]], put your [[faith]] in the nonconformist!'''
** Ch. 2 : Transformed nonconformist

* In his essay &quot;Self-Reliance&quot; [[Ralph Waldo Emerson|Emerson]] wrote, &quot;Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.&quot; The Apostle [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] reminds us that whoso would be a [[Christian]] must also be a a nonconformist. '''Any Christian who blindly accepts the [[opinions]] of the majority and in [[fear]] and timidity follows a path of expediency and social approval is a mental and spiritual [[slave]].'''
** Ch. 2 : Transformed nonconformist

* Some years ago Professor Bixler reminded us of the danger of overstressing the well-adjusted life. Everybody passionately seeks to be well-adjusted. We must, of course, be well-adjusted to avoid neurotic schizophrenic personalities, but '''there are some things in our world to which men of goodwill must be maladjusted. I confess that I never intend to become adjusted to the [[evils]] of segregation and the crippling effects of discrimination, to the [[moral]] degeneracy of [[religious]] [[bigotry]] and the corroding effects of narrow sectarianism, to [[economic]] conditions that deprive men of [[work]] and [[food]], and the to the [[insanities]] of militarism and the self-defeating effects of physical [[violence]].'''
** Ch. 2 : Transformed nonconformist

* '''[[Human]] salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.'''
** Ch. 2 : Transformed nonconformist

* '''[[Nothing]] in the [[world]] is more [[dangerous]] than [[sincere]] [[ignorance]] and conscientious [[stupidity]].'''
** Ch. 4 : Love in action, Sct. 3

* '''The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of [[comfort]] and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.''' The true neighbor will risk his position, his prestige and even his [[life]] for the welfare of others.
** Strength to Love, p. 25

* The meaning of this [[story]] is not found in the drowning of the Egyptian soldiers, for '''no one should rejoice at the [[death]] or defeat of a human being'''. Rather, this story symbolizes the death of evil and of inhuman oppression and unjust exploitation.
** Strength to Love, p. 73

* The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided man.
** Strength to Love, Chapter 7

* '''Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.''' 
** Last paragraph of section III of Antidotes for fear, page 122 (see link at top of the section)

*'''First, [[w:Communism |Communism]] is based on a materialistic and humanistic view of life and history.''' According to Communist theory, matter, not mind or spirit, speaks the last word in the universe. Such a philosophy is avowedly secularistic and atheistic. Under it, God is merely a figment of the imagination, [[w:Religion | religion]] is a product of fear and ignorance, and the church is an invention of the rulers to control the masses. Moreover, Communism, like humanism, thrives on the grand illusion that man, unaided by any divine power, can save himself and usher in a new society.... Cold [[w:Atheism | atheism]] wrapped in the garments of [[w:Materialism |materialism]], Communism provides no place for God or Christ. 
**Ch. 10 : How Should A Christian View Communism? 
 
*Second, Communism is based on ethical relativism and accepts no stable moral absolutes. Right and wrong are relative to the most expedient methods for dealing with class war. Communism exploits the dreadful philosophy that the [[w:Consequentialism |end justifies the means]]. It enunciates movingly the theory of a classless society, but alas! its methods for achieving this noble end are all too often ignoble. '''Lying, violence, murder, and torture are considered to be justifiable means to achieve the millennial end.''' Is this an unfair indictment? Listen to the words of [[w:Vladimir Lenin |Lenin]], the real tactician of Communist theory: ‘We must be ready to employ trickery, deceit, lawbreaking, withholding and concealing truth.’ Modem history has known many tortuous nights and horror-filled days because his followers have taken this statement serious. 
** Ch. 10 : How Should A Christian View Communism? 
 
*Third, Communism attributes ultimate value to the state. Man is made for the state and not the state for man. One may object, saying that in Communist theory the state is an ‘interim reality,’ which will ‘wither away’ when the classless society emerges. True--in theory; but it is also true that, while it lasts, the state is the end. '''Man is a means to that end. Man has no inalienable rights. His only rights are derived from, and conferred by, the state. Under such a system, the fountain of freedom runs dry.''' Restricted are man's liberties of press and assembly, his [[w:Freedom |freedom]] to vote, and his freedom to listen and to read. Art, religion, education, music, and science come under the gripping yoke of government control. Man must be a dutiful servant to the omnipotent state. 
** Ch. 10 : How Should A Christian View Communism? 
 
*Christianity insists that man is an end because he is a child of God, made in God's image. '''Man is more than a producing animal guided by economic forces; he is a being of spirit, crowned with glory and honor, endowed with the gift of freedom.''' The ultimate weakness of Communism is that it robs man of that quality which makes him man. Man, says Paul Tillich, is man because he is free. This freedom is expressed through man's capacity to deliberate, decide, and respond. Under Communism, the individual soul is shackled by the chains of conformity; his spirit is bound by the manacles of party allegiance. He is stripped of both conscience and reason. 
**Ch. 10 : How Should A Christian View Communism? 
 
*The trouble with Communism is that it has neither a theology nor a Christology; therefore it emerges with a mixed-up anthropology. Confused about God, it is also confused about man. '''In spite of its glowing talk about the welfare of the masses, Communism's methods and philosophy strip man of his dignity and worth, leaving him as little more than a depersonalized cog in the ever-turning wheel of the state.''' 
** Ch. 10 : How Should A Christian View Communism? 

==== {{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}} (1963) ====
[[File:Selma to Montgomery Marches.jpg|thumb|We [[know]] through [[Pain|painful]] experience that [[freedom]] is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historic Site 0034038-R1-E018.jpg|thumb|An [[individual]] who breaks a law that [[conscience]] tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the [[conscience]] of the [[community]] over its injustice, is in [[reality]] expressing the highest [[respect]] for [[law]].]]
[[File:Bloody Sunday-officers await demonstrators.jpeg|thumb|Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of [[air]] and [[light]], injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of [[human]] [[conscience]] and the air of national [[opinion]] before it can be cured.]]
[[File:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Joachim Prinz 1963.jpg|thumb|[[Human]] [[progress]] never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless [[efforts]] of men willing to be co-workers with [[God]], and without this hard [[work]], [[time]] itself becomes an ally of the [[forces]] of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the [[knowledge]] that the time is always ripe to do [[right]].]]
[[File:Selma to Montgomery Marches protesters.jpg|thumb|Let us all [[hope]] that the dark [[clouds]] of racial [[prejudice]] will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our [[fear]]-drenched [[communities]], and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant [[stars]] of [[love]] and [[brotherhood]] will shine over our great [[nation]] with all their scintillating [[beauty]].]]
[[File:Hubert Humphrey and Martin Luther King NYWTS.jpg|thumb|The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for [[hate]] or for [[love]]? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of [[justice]]?]]
:&lt;small&gt;Response to an open letter by fellow clergyman criticizing his participation in civil rights demonstrations (16 April 1963) – [http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Articles_Gen/Letter_Birmingham.html full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[Injustice]] anywhere is a threat to [[justice]] everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of [[destiny]]. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.''' Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial &quot;outside agitator&quot; [[idea]]. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.

* '''In any nonviolent campaign there are four basic steps: collection of the [[facts]] to determine whether injustices exist; [[negotiation]]; self purification; and [[w:direct action|direct action]].'''

* You may well ask: &quot;Why direct action? Why sit ins, marches and so forth? Isn't [[negotiation]] a better path?&quot; You are quite right in calling for negotiation. Indeed, this is the very purpose of direct action. Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a [[community]] which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks so to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored. My citing the creation of tension as part of the work of the nonviolent resister may sound rather shocking. But '''I must confess that I am not afraid of the word &quot;tension.&quot; I have earnestly opposed violent tension, but there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for [[growth]].''' Just as [[Socrates]] felt that it was [[necessary]] to create a tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of [[myths]] and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for nonviolent gadflies to create the kind of tension in [[society]] that will help men rise from the dark depths of [[prejudice]] and [[racism]] to the majestic heights of [[understanding]] and [[brotherhood]]. The purpose of our direct action program is to create a situation so crisis packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation.

* '''We know through painful experience that [[freedom]] is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.''' Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was &quot;well timed&quot; in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word &quot;Wait!&quot; It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This &quot;Wait&quot; has almost always meant &quot;Never.&quot; We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that &quot;[[w:Justice delayed is justice denied|justice too long delayed is justice denied.]]&quot;

* There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of [[despair]].

* One may well ask: &quot;How can you advocate breaking some [[laws]] and obeying others?&quot; The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. '''One has not only a legal, but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.''' I would agree with [[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] that &quot;an unjust law is no law at all.&quot;

* How does one determine whether a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man-made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in terms of St. [[Thomas Aquinas]]: An unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal law and natural law. Any law that uplifts the human [[personality]] is just. Any law that degrades human personality is unjust. All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality. It gives the segregator a false sense of superiority and the segregated a false sense of inferiority.

* An unjust law is a code that a majority inflicts on a minority that is not binding on itself. This is difference made legal. On the other hand a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal.

* In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law, as would the rabid segregationist. That would lead to [[anarchy]]. '''One who breaks an unjust law must do so openly, lovingly, and with a willingness to accept the penalty.''' I submit that '''an individual who breaks a law that [[conscience]] tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the [[conscience]] of the community over its injustice, is in [[reality]] expressing the highest [[respect]] for law.'''

* '''We should never forget that everything Adolf Hitler did in Germany was &quot;legal&quot; and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was &quot;illegal.&quot;'''

* I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward [[freedom]] is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to &quot;[[order]]&quot; than to [[justice]]; who prefers a negative [[peace]] which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: &quot;I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action&quot;; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a &quot;more convenient season.&quot; '''Shallow [[understanding]] from people of [[good]] [[will]] is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.''' Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

* '''Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.'''

* '''In your statement you assert that our [[actions]], even though peaceful, must be condemned because they precipitate [[violence]]. But is this a logical assertion? Isn't this like condemning a robbed man because his possession of [[money]] precipitated the [[evil]] act of robbery?''' Isn't this like condemning [[Socrates]] because his unswerving commitment to [[truth]] and his philosophical inquiries precipitated the act by the misguided populace in which they made him drink hemlock? Isn't this like condemning [[Jesus]] because his unique [[God]]-consciousness and never-ceasing devotion to [[God]]'s will precipitated the evil act of crucifixion? We must come to see that, as the federal courts have consistently affirmed, '''it is [[wrong]] to urge an individual to cease his efforts to gain his basic constitutional [[rights]] because the quest may precipitate violence. Society must protect the robbed and punish the robber.'''

* I had also hoped that the white moderate would reject the [[myth]] concerning time in relation to the struggle for freedom. I have just received a letter from a white brother in Texas. He writes: &quot;All Christians know that the colored people will receive equal rights eventually, but it is possible that you are in too great a religious hurry. It has taken Christianity almost two thousand years to accomplish what it has. The teachings of Christ take time to come to earth.&quot; Such an attitude stems from a tragic misconception of time, from the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, '''[[time]] itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively.''' More and more I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. '''We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling [[silence]] of the good people. [[Human]] [[progress]] never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless [[efforts]] of men willing to be co-workers with [[God]], and without this hard [[work]], time itself becomes an ally of the [[forces]] of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the [[knowledge]] that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of [[democracy]] and [[transform]] our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of [[brotherhood]]. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human [[dignity]].'''

* Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever. The yearning for [[freedom]] eventually manifests itself, and that is what has happened to the American Negro. Something within has reminded him of his birthright of freedom, and something without has reminded him that it can be gained.

* The Negro has many pent up resentments and latent frustrations, and he must release them. So let him march; let him make prayer pilgrimages to the city hall; let him go on freedom rides -and try to understand why he must do so. If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence; this is not a threat but a fact of history.

* But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an [[extremist]], as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. '''Was not [[Jesus]] an extremist for [[love]]: &quot;Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.&quot; '''Was not [[w:Amos (prophet)|Amos]] an extremist for [[justice]]: &quot;Let justice roll down like [[waters]] and [[righteousness]] like an ever flowing stream.&quot; Was not [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] an extremist for the Christian gospel: &quot;I bear in my body the marks of the Lord [[Jesus]].&quot; Was not [[Martin Luther]] an extremist: &quot;Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me [[God]].&quot; And [[John Bunyan]]: &quot;I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my [[conscience]].&quot; And [[Abraham Lincoln]]: &quot;This nation cannot survive half slave and half free.&quot; And [[Thomas Jefferson]]: &quot;We hold these [[truths]] to be self evident, that all men are created equal . . .&quot; So '''the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for [[hate]] or for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice?''' In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill three men were crucified. '''We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime — the crime of extremism.''' Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. '''The other, [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], was an extremist for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]], and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists.'''

* Perhaps I was too optimistic; perhaps I expected too much. I suppose I should have realized that '''few members of the oppressor race can understand the deep groans and passionate yearnings of the oppressed race, and still fewer have the [[vision]] to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined [[action]].'''

* '''There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep [[love]].'''

* '''I have consistently preached that nonviolence demands that the means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek.''' I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends. But now '''I must affirm that it is just as [[wrong]], or perhaps even more so, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends.'''

* I have no fear about the outcome of our struggle in Birmingham, even if our motives are at present misunderstood. We will reach the goal of freedom in Birmingham and all over the nation, because '''the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with America's destiny.''' Before the [[w:Plymouth rocks|pilgrims landed at Plymouth]], we were here. Before the pen of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] etched the majestic words of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] across the pages of history, we were here. For more than two centuries our forebears labored in this country without wages; they made cotton king; they built the homes of their masters while suffering gross injustice and shameful humiliation -and yet out of a bottomless vitality they continued to thrive and develop. '''If the inexpressible cruelties of [[w:Slavery in the United States|slavery]] could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. We will win our freedom because the sacred heritage of our nation and the [[eternal]] [[will]] of [[God]] are embodied in our echoing demands.'''

* Never before have I written so long a letter. I'm afraid it is much too long to take your precious time. I can assure you that it would have been much shorter if I had been writing from a comfortable desk, but what else can one do when he is alone in a narrow jail cell, other than write long letters, think long [[thoughts]], and pray long [[prayers]]?

* Let us all [[hope]] that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear-drenched communities, and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant [[stars]] of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating [[beauty]].

==== Cobo Center speech (1963) ====
[[File:Westminster Abbey C20th martyrs.jpg|thumb|I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will [[die]] for, he isn't fit to [[live]].]]
[[File:Lyndon Johnson signing Civil Rights Act, July 2, 1964.jpg|thumb|I have a [[dream]] this afternoon that the [[brotherhood]] of [[man]] will become a [[reality]] in this day. &lt;br /&gt; And with this [[faith]] I will go out and carve a tunnel of [[hope]] through the [[mountain]] of despair.]]
[[File:Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at a civil rights march on Washington D.C. in 1963.jpg|thumb|We refuse to [[believe]] that the bank of [[justice]] is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of [[opportunity]] of this [[nation]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_speech_at_the_great_march_on_detroit Speech during the Great March on Detroit] at [[w:Cobo Center|Cobo Hall]] (23 June 1963). The speech is a direct predecessor to King's &quot;I Have A Dream&quot; (see section below), because two months before the March on Washington, King stood before a throng of 150,000 people at Cobo Hall in Detroit to expound upon making &quot;the American Dream a reality&quot;. King repeatedly exclaimed, &quot;I have a dream this afternoon&quot;. &lt;!-- He articulated the words of the prophets [[w:Amos (prophet)|Amos]] and [[Isaiah]], declaring that &quot;justice will roll down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream,&quot; for &quot;every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low&quot;. As he had done numerous times in the previous two years, King concluded his message imagining the day &quot;when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing with the Negroes in the spiritual of old: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!&quot; --&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will [[die]] for, he isn't fit to [[live]].'''

* Segregation is [[wrong]] because it is a system of adultery perpetuated by an illicit intercourse between injustice and immorality.

* I go back to the South not with a feeling that we are caught in a dark dungeon that will never lead to a way out. I go back believing that the new day is coming. And so this afternoon, '''I have a [[dream]]. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream that one day, right down in Georgia and Mississippi and Alabama, the sons of former [[slaves]] and the sons of former slave owners will be able to live together as brothers. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this afternoon, I have a dream that one day, one day little white children and little Negro children will be able to join hands as brothers and sisters. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this afternoon that one day, that one day men will no longer burn down houses and the church of [[God]] simply because people want to be free. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this afternoon, I have a dream, that there will be a day that we will no longer face the atrocities that [[w:Emmett Till|Emmett Till]] had to face or [[w:Medgar Evers|Medgar Evers]] had to face, that all men can live with dignity. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this afternoon that my four little children, that my four little children will not come up in the same young days that I came up within, but they will be judged on the basis of the content of their character, not the color of their skin. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this afternoon that one day right here in Detroit, Negroes will be able to buy a house or rent a house anywhere that their money will carry them and they will be able to get a job. &lt;br /&gt; Yes, I have a dream this afternoon that one day in this land the words of [[w:Amos (prophet)|Amos]] will become real and &quot;justice will roll down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream this evening that one day we will recognize the words of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] that &quot;[[United States Declaration of Independence|all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights]], that among these are [[Life]], [[Liberty]] and the pursuit of [[Happiness]].&quot; I have a dream this afternoon. &lt;br /&gt; I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and &quot;every valley shall be exalted, and every hill shall be made low; the crooked places shall be made straight, and the rough places plain; and the [[glory]] of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; '''I have a dream this afternoon that the brotherhood of man will become a [[reality]] in this day. &lt;br /&gt; And with this [[faith]] I will go out and carve a tunnel of [[hope]] through the [[mountain]] of despair. With this faith, I will go out with you and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows.''' With this faith, we will be able to achieve this new day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing with the Negroes in the spiritual of old: &quot;Free at last! Free at last! Thank [[God]] almighty, we are free at last!&quot;'''

==== Discerning the Signs of History (1964) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.thekingcenter.org/archive/document/discerning-signs-history# &quot;Discerning the Signs of History&quot; Ebenezer Baptist Church (15 November 1964)&lt;/small&gt;

* '''There are some things that are as basic and as structural in history, and if we don't know these things, we are in danger of destroying ourselves and our world.''' Discerning the signs of history, will tell us first that evil carries the seed of its own destruction. That is just as true as the rising and setting of the sun. 

* I'm tellin' yuh this morning, money can't save yuh. A beautiful home can't save yuh. Beautiful automobiles can't save yuh. It's God that will save us in the final analysis. And I say to this morning that history is teaching us a lesson. And I hope that we will see it. That there must be underneath all of our wills, underneath all of our material attainment, a moral and religious undergirding that will help us to know that God is our father. That he made us and that we are dependent on Him, and Him only, and when we see that, we have something. For we can arise from the fatigue of despair to the buoyancy of hope. &lt;br/&gt; '''Dark yesterday can be transformed into bright tomorrow.''' When you know God, you can stand up amid the agonies and burdens of life and not despair. When you know God, you can stand up amid tension and tribulation and yet smile in the process. When you know God, you go on livin' anyhow. Nothin's gonna stop you 'cause you know that God is watching in your heart. When you know God, you have on some shoes that can help you walk through any muddy place. When you know God, you know that He is over everything. That [he]'s a rock in a weary land, that he is a shelter in the time of a storm. &lt;!-- That he is a power among con_. --&gt; ... When you know God, you can live and never die. We're gonna open the doors of the church, now, somebody here needs to accept the Christ. Somebody needs to come this morning. Discerning the signs of history. And as we sing who this morning will make that step. '''Remain true to the faith of our fathers.''' Somebody needs to decide Now. Who will come. When we sing will you make that step.

==== [[w:Why We Can't Wait|Why We Can't Wait]] (1964) ====
:&lt;small&gt;Book, expanded from ''Letter from a Birmingham Jail''&lt;/small&gt;

* Someone once wrote: &quot;When you are right, you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.&quot; The Negro knows he is right. &lt;small&gt;[http://books.google.com/books?id=lDUgwcqfupQC&amp;lpg=PA123&amp;vq=when%20you%20are%20right&amp;pg=PA123#v=snippet&amp;q=%22Someone%20once%20wrote%3A%20%22When%20you%20are%20right%2C%20you%20cannot%20be%20too%20radical%3B%20when%20you%20are%20wrong%2C%20you%20cannot%20be%20too%20conservative.%22%20The%20Negro%20knows%20he%20is%20right.%22&amp;f=false page 123]&lt;/small&gt;

==== Nobel Prize acceptance speech (1964) ====
[[File:DD Frauenkirche Liebe.jpg|thumb|[[Man]] must [[evolve]] for all [[human]] conflict a method which rejects [[revenge]], aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is [[love]].]]
[[File:Edward Hicks - Peaceable Kingdom.jpg|thumbnail|I still believe that one day [[mankind]] will bow before the altars of [[God]] and be crowned triumphant over [[war]] and bloodshed, and [[nonviolent]] redemptive good will proclaim the rule of the land. ''&quot;And the lion and the lamb shall lie down together...&quot;]]
[[File:MLKatPitt1966.jpg|thumb|I believe that unarmed [[truth]] and unconditional [[love]] will have the final [[word]] in [[reality]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/1964/king-acceptance.html Martin Luther King's Acceptance Speech, on the occasion of the award of the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo (10 December 1964)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time — the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to violence and oppression.''' Civilization and violence are antithetical concepts... Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. '''If this is to be achieved, man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is [[love]].'''

* I accept this award today with an abiding faith in America and an audacious faith in the future of mankind. '''I refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history. I refuse to accept the idea that the &quot;isness&quot; of man's present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal &quot;oughtness&quot; that forever confronts him. I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsam in the river of life, unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him. I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of [[racism]] and war that the bright daybreak of [[peace]] and [[brotherhood]] can never become a reality. I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of thermonuclear destruction. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than [[evil]] triumphant.'''

* I believe that even amid today's mortar bursts and whining bullets, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow. I believe that wounded [[justice]], lying prostrate on the blood-flowing streets of our nations, can be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men. I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and [[dignity]], [[equality]] and [[freedom]] for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered can build up. '''I still believe that one day mankind will bow before the altars of God and be crowned triumphant over [[war]] and bloodshed, and nonviolent redemptive good will proclaim the rule of the land. ''&quot;And the lion and the lamb shall lie down together and every man shall sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid.&quot;'' I still believe that [[w:We Shall Overcome|We Shall overcome!]]''''
** (This contains an allusion to the book of Isaiah Chapter 11, verse 6 

* This faith can give us courage to face the uncertainties of the future. It will give our tired feet new strength as we continue our forward stride toward the city of freedom. '''When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, we will know that we are living in the creative turmoil of a genuine civilization struggling to be born.'''

* I think [[Alfred Nobel]] would know what I mean when I say that I accept this award in the spirit of a curator of some precious heirloom which he holds in trust for its true owners — all those to whom beauty is truth and truth beauty — and in whose eyes '''the beauty of genuine brotherhood and peace is more precious than diamonds or silver or gold.'''

==== The Quest for Peace and Justice (1964) ====
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 3.jpg|thumb|&lt;!-- There is a sort of poverty of the spirit which stands in glaring contrast to our scientific and technological abundance. --&gt;The richer we have become materially, the poorer we have become [[morally]] and [[spiritually]]. We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple [[art]] of [[living]] together as brothers.]]
[[File:Brootherhood supermarket advertising board.jpg|thumb|Enlarged material [[powers]] spell enlarged [[peril]] if there is not proportionate [[growth]] of the [[soul]]. ]]
[[File:M26-Pershing-Naktong-19500903.JPG|thumb|I am not unmindful of the [[fact]] that [[violence]] often brings about momentary results. [[Nations]] have frequently won their [[independence]] in battle. But in spite of temporary victories, violence never brings permanent [[peace]]. It solves no social problem: it merely creates new and more complicated ones.]]
[[File:Bloody Sunday-Alabama police attack.jpeg|thumb|[[Violence]] is immoral because it thrives on [[hatred]] rather than [[love]]. It destroys [[community]] and makes [[brotherhood]] impossible.]]
[[File:Poor People's March at Lafayette Park ppmsca.04302.jpg|thumb|I must confess, my [[friends]], the road ahead will not always be smooth.]]
[[File:Non violence sculpture by carl fredrik reutersward malmo sweden.jpg|thumb|[[Nonviolence]] is a [[powerful]] and [[just]] [[weapon]]. Indeed, it is a weapon unique in [[history]], which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it.]]
[[File:Homeless person in New York City.jpg|thumb| The [[poor]] in our [[countries]] have been shut out of our minds, and driven from the mainstream of our [[societies]], because we have allowed them to become invisible. Just as nonviolence exposed the ugliness of racial injustice, so must the infection and sickness of poverty be exposed and healed — not only its symptoms but its basic causes. ]]
[[File:Homeless - American Flag.jpg|thumb|Ultimately a [[great]] [[nation]] is a [[compassionate]] nation. No [[individual]] or nation can be great if it does not have a concern for &quot;the least of these&quot;.]]
[[File:John William Waterhouse - Ulysses and the Sirens (1891).jpg|thumb|There is a fascinating little [[story]] that is preserved for us in Greek literature about [[w:Odysseus|Ulysses]] and the [[w:siren|Sirens]]. ... When [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]] sang, who bothered to listen to the Sirens? So we must fix our [[vision]] not merely on the negative expulsion of [[war]], but upon the positive affirmation of [[peace]]. We must see that peace represents a sweeter [[music]], a cosmic melody that is far superior to the discords of war.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1964/king-lecture.html#footnote Martin Luther King's Nobel Lecture, delivered in the Auditorium of the University of Oslo (11 December 1964)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I experience this high and joyous moment not for myself alone but for those devotees of nonviolence who have moved so courageously against the ramparts of racial injustice and who in the process have acquired a new estimate of their own human worth. Many of them are young and cultured. Others are middle aged and middle class. The majority are poor and untutored. But they are all united in the quiet conviction that '''it is better to suffer in dignity than to accept [[w:Racial segregation in the United States|segregation]] in humiliation'''. These are the real heroes of the freedom struggle: they are the noble people for whom I accept the [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]].

* '''There is a sort of poverty of the spirit which stands in glaring contrast to our scientific and technological abundance. The richer we have become materially, the poorer we have become morally and spiritually. We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers.'''

* '''Every man lives in two realms, the internal and the external. The internal is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, morals, and religion. The external is that complex of devices, techniques, mechanisms, and instrumentalities by means of which we live. Our problem today is that we have allowed the internal to become lost in the external. We have allowed the means by which we live to outdistance the ends for which we live.''' So much of modern life can be summarized in that arresting dictum of the poet [[Henry David Thoreau|Thoreau]]: &quot;Improved means to an unimproved end&quot;. This is the serious predicament, the deep and haunting problem confronting modern man. '''If we are to survive today, our moral and spiritual &quot;lag&quot; must be eliminated. Enlarged material powers spell enlarged peril if there is not proportionate growth of the soul. When the &quot;without&quot; of man's nature subjugates the &quot;within&quot;, dark storm clouds begin to form in the world.'''

* Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever. The yearning for freedom eventually manifests itself.

* '''Before we reach the majestic shores of the Promised Land, there is a frustrating and bewildering wilderness ahead. We must still face prodigious hilltops of opposition and gigantic mountains of resistance. But with patient and firm determination we will press on until every valley of despair is exalted to new peaks of hope, until every mountain of pride and irrationality is made low by the leveling process of humility and compassion; until the rough places of injustice are transformed into a smooth plane of equality of opportunity; and until the crooked places of prejudice are transformed by the straightening process of bright-eyed wisdom.'''

* [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1955–1968)|Nonviolence in the civil rights struggle]] has meant not relying on arms and weapons of struggle. It has meant noncooperation with customs and laws which are institutional aspects of a regime of discrimination and enslavement. It has meant direct participation of masses in protest, rather than reliance on indirect methods which frequently do not involve masses in action at all. &lt;br /&gt; Nonviolence has also meant that my people in the agonizing struggles of recent years have taken suffering upon themselves instead of inflicting it on others. It has meant, as I said, that we are no longer afraid and cowed. But in some substantial degree it has meant that we do not want to instill fear in others or into the society of which we are a part. The movement does not seek to liberate Negroes at the expense of the humiliation and enslavement of whites. It seeks no victory over anyone. It seeks to liberate American society and to share in the self-liberation of all the people.

* Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. I am not unmindful of the fact that violence often brings about momentary results. Nations have frequently won their independence in battle. But in spite of temporary victories, '''violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem: it merely creates new and more complicated ones. Violence is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding: it seeks to annihilate rather than convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love. It destroys community and makes brotherhood impossible. It leaves society in monologue rather than dialogue. Violence ends up defeating itself. It creates bitterness in the survivors and brutality in the destroyers.'''

* '''Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon. Indeed, it is a weapon unique in history, which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it.''' &lt;br /&gt; I believe in this method because I think it is the only way to reestablish a broken community. It is the method which seeks to implement the just law by appealing to the conscience of the great decent majority who through blindness, fear, pride, and irrationality have allowed their consciences to sleep.

* The nonviolent resisters can summarize their message in the following simple terms: we will take direct action against injustice despite the failure of governmental and other official agencies to act first. We will not obey unjust laws or submit to unjust practices. We will do this peacefully, openly, cheerfully because our aim is to persuade. We adopt the means of nonviolence because our end is a community at peace with itself. We will try to persuade with our words, but if our words fail, we will try to persuade with our acts. We will always be willing to talk and seek fair compromise, but we are ready to suffer when necessary and even risk our lives to become witnesses to truth as we see it.

* In the past ten years unarmed gallant men and women of the United States have given living testimony to the moral power and efficacy of nonviolence. By the thousands, faceless, anonymous, relentless young people, black and white, have temporarily left the ivory towers of learning for the barricades of bias. Their courageous and disciplined activities have come as a refreshing oasis in a desert sweltering with the heat of injustice. They have taken our whole nation back to those great wells of [[democracy]] which were dug deep by the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|founding fathers]] in the formulation of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] and the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]. One day all of America will be proud of their achievements.

* Why should there be hunger and privation in any land, in any city, at any table when man has the resources and the scientific know-how to provide all mankind with the basic necessities of life? Even deserts can be irrigated and top soil can be replaced. We cannot complain of a lack of land, for there are twenty-five million square miles of tillable land, of which we are using less than seven million. We have amazing knowledge of vitamins, nutrition, the chemistry of food, and the versatility of atoms. There is no deficit in human resources; the deficit is in human will. The well-off and the secure have too often become indifferent and oblivious to the poverty and deprivation in their midst. The poor in our countries have been shut out of our minds, and driven from the mainstream of our societies, because we have allowed them to become invisible. Just as nonviolence exposed the ugliness of racial injustice, so must the infection and sickness of poverty be exposed and healed — not only its symptoms but its basic causes. This, too, will be a fierce struggle, but we must not be afraid to pursue the remedy no matter how formidable the task.

* '''The time has come for an all-out world war against poverty. The rich nations must use their vast resources of wealth to develop the underdeveloped, school the unschooled, and feed the unfed. Ultimately a great nation is a compassionate nation. No individual or nation can be great if it does not have a concern for &quot;the least of these&quot;.''' Deeply etched in the fiber of our religious tradition is the conviction that men are made in the image of [[God]] and that they are souls of infinite metaphysical value, the heirs of a legacy of dignity and worth. If we feel this as a profound moral fact, we cannot be content to see men hungry, to see men victimized with starvation and ill health when we have the means to help them. The wealthy nations must go all out to bridge the gulf between the rich minority and the poor majority.

* In the final analysis, '''the rich must not ignore the poor because both rich and poor are tied in a single garment of destiny. All life is interrelated, and all men are interdependent. The agony of the poor diminishes the rich, and the salvation of the poor enlarges the rich. We are inevitably our brothers' keeper because of the interrelated structure of reality.''' 

* The fact that most of the time human beings put the truth about the nature and risks of the [[w:Nuclear warfare|nuclear war]] out of their minds because it is too painful and therefore not &quot;acceptable&quot;, does not alter the nature and risks of such war. The device of &quot;rejection&quot; may temporarily cover up anxiety, but it does not bestow peace of mind and emotional security.

* So man's proneness to engage in war is still a fact. But wisdom born of experience should tell us that war is obsolete. There may have been a time when war served as a negative good by preventing the spread and growth of an evil force, but the destructive power of modern weapons eliminated even the possibility that war may serve as a negative good. If we assume that life is worth living and that man has a right to survive, then we must find an alternative to war. In a day when vehicles hurtle through outer space and guided ballistic missiles carve highways of death through the stratosphere, '''no nation can claim victory in war. A so-called limited war will leave little more than a calamitous legacy of human suffering, political turmoil, and spiritual disillusionment. A world war — God forbid! — will leave only smoldering ashes as a mute testimony of a human race whose folly led inexorably to ultimate death. So if modern man continues to flirt unhesitatingly with war, he will transform his earthly habitat into an inferno such as even the mind of [[Dante]] could not imagine.'''

* '''We will not build a peaceful world by following a negative path. It is not enough to say &quot;We must not wage [[war]].&quot; It is necessary to love [[peace]] and sacrifice for it. We must concentrate not merely on the negative expulsion of war, but on the positive affirmation of peace.''' There is a fascinating little story that is preserved for us in Greek literature about [[w:Odysseus|Ulysses]] and the [[w:siren|Sirens]]. The Sirens had the ability to sing so sweetly that sailors could not resist steering toward their island. Many ships were lured upon the rocks, and men forgot home, duty, and honor as they flung themselves into the sea to be embraced by arms that drew them down to death. Ulysses, determined not to be lured by the Sirens, first decided to tie himself tightly to the mast of his boat, and his crew stuffed their ears with wax. But finally he and his crew learned a better way to save themselves: they took on board the beautiful singer Orpheus whose melodies were sweeter than the music of the Sirens. When Orpheus sang, who bothered to listen to the Sirens? So we must fix our vision not merely on the negative expulsion of war, but upon the positive affirmation of peace. '''We must see that peace represents a sweeter music, a cosmic melody that is far superior to the discords of war.''' 

* Somehow we must transform the dynamics of the world power struggle from the negative [[w:Arms_race#Nuclear_arms_race|nuclear arms race]] which no one can win to a positive contest to harness man's creative genius for the purpose of making peace and prosperity a reality for all of the nations of the world. In short, we must shift the arms race into a &quot;peace race&quot;. If we have the will and determination to mount such a peace offensive, we will unlock hitherto tightly sealed doors of hope and transform our imminent cosmic elegy into a psalm of creative fulfillment.

* As [[Arnold J. Toynbee|Arnold Toynbee]] says: &quot;[[Love]] is the ultimate [[force]] that makes for the saving [[choice]] of [[life]] and [[good]] against the damning choice of [[death]] and [[evil]]. Therefore the first [[hope]] in our inventory must be the hope that love is going to have the last [[word]].&quot; '''We can no longer afford to worship the [[God]] of [[hate]] or bow before the altar of retaliation. The oceans of [[history]] are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. History is cluttered with the wreckage of [[nations]] and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate. Love is the [[key]] to the solution of the problems of the world.'''

* '''Here and there an individual or group dares to love, and rises to the majestic heights of moral maturity. So in a real sense this is a great time to be alive.''' Therefore, I am not yet discouraged about the future. Granted that the easygoing [[optimism]] of yesterday is impossible. Granted that those who pioneer in the struggle for peace and freedom will still face uncomfortable jail terms, painful threats of death; they will still be battered by the storms of persecution, leading them to the nagging feeling that they can no longer bear such a heavy burden, and the temptation of wanting to retreat to a more quiet and serene life. Granted that '''we face a world crisis which leaves us standing so often amid the surging murmur of life's restless sea. But every crisis has both its dangers and its opportunities. It can spell either salvation or doom.''' In a dark confused world the kingdom of [[God]] may yet reign in the [[hearts]] of men.

==== Keep Moving From This Mountain (1965) ====
[[File:Chrispijn van den Broeck - Het Laatste Oordeel (02).jpg|thumb|In every age and every generation, men have envisioned a promised land.]]
[[File:SoulCarriedtoHeaven.jpg|thumb|What doth it profit a man to gain the whole world of means — airplanes, televisions, electric lights — and lose the end: the [[soul]]?&quot;]]
[[File:15th-amendment-celebration-1870.jpg|thumb|No nation can rise to its full moral maturity so long as it subjects a segment of its citizenry on the basis of race or color.]]
[[File:Eagle and American Flag by Bubbels.jpg|thumb|A great nation is a compassionate nation.]]
[[File:Flammendes Herz.jpg|thumb|Love is the supreme unifying principle of life.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Sermon at Temple Israel of Hollywood (25 February 1965) – [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlktempleisraelhollywood.htm online text and audio] (see also the [[Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.#Keep_Moving_from_this_Mountain_(1960) 1960 address on this theme).&lt;/small&gt;

* I would like to take your minds back many, many centuries into a familiar experience so significantly recorded in the sacred Scriptures. The [[w:Children of Israel|Children of Israel]] had been reduced into the bondage of physical slavery... three groups of people emerged. One group said in substance that &quot;We would rather go back to Egypt.&quot; They preferred the flush parts of Egypt to the challenges of the Promised Land. A second group that abhorred the idea of going back to Egypt, and yet they abhorred the idea of facing the difficulties of moving ahead to the Promised Land and they somehow wanted to remain stationary and choose the line of least resistance. There was a third group, probably influenced by [[w:Caleb|Caleb]] and [[w:Joshua|Joshua]] who had gone over to spy a bit and who admitted that there were giants in the land but who said, &quot;We can possess the land.&quot; This group said in substance that &quot;We will go on in spite of...,&quot; that &quot;We will not allow anything to stop us,&quot; that &quot;We will move on amid the difficulties, amid the trials, amid the tribulations.&quot;

* Now certainly, one could almost preach a sermon from either of these groups. This evening I want to deal mainly with the second group: those individuals that chose the line of least resistance, those individuals who didn't want to go back to Egypt but who did not quite have the strength to move on to the Promised Land. These are probably the people who wanted to remain stationary. These are the people who probably wanted to stop at a particular point and remain right there in the wilderness. God speaks through Moses to these people. The first chapter of the book of Deuteronomy said, &quot;Ye have been in this mountain long enough. Turn you and take your journey and go to the mount of the Amorites.&quot; In other words, God was saying through Moses that '''you must not allow yourself to get bogged down with unattained goals. You must not allow yourself to get caught up in impeding mountains. Whenever God speaks, he says, &quot;Go forward.&quot; Whenever God speaks, he says, &quot;Move on from mountains of stagnant complacency and deadening pacifity.&quot;''' So this is the great challenge that always stands before men.

* '''Each of us lives in two realms, the &quot;within&quot; and the &quot;without.&quot;''' The within of our lives is somehow found in the realm of ends, the without in the realm of means. The within of our [lives], the bottom — that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, morals, and religion for which at best we live. The without of our lives is that realm of instrumentalities, techniques, mechanisms by which we live. '''Now the great temptation of life and the great tragedy of life is that so often we allow the without of our lives to absorb the within of our lives. The great tragedy of life is that too often we allow the means by which we live to outdistance the ends for which we live.'''

* We have allowed our civilization to outrun our culture; we have allowed our technology to outdistance our theology and for this reason we find ourselves caught up with many problems. '''Through our scientific genius we made of the world a neighborhood, but we failed through moral commitment to make of it a brotherhood, and so we've ended up with guided missiles and misguided men. And the great challenge is to move out of the mountain of practical [[materialism]] and move on to another and higher mountain which recognizes somehow that we must live by and toward the basic ends of life. We must move on to that mountain which says in substance, '''&quot;What doth it profit a man to gain the whole world of means — airplanes, televisions, electric lights — and lose the end: the [[soul]]?&quot;'''

* And now it is time for us to move on to that great and noble realm of justice and brotherhood. That is the great struggle taking place in our nation today. It isn't a struggle just based on a lot of noise; it is a struggle to save the soul of our nation for '''no nation can rise to its full moral maturity so long as it subjects a segment of its citizenry on the basis of race or color.''' And somehow we must come to see more than ever before that racial injustice is a cancer in the body politic which must be removed before our moral health can be realized. '''Racial segregation must be seen for what it is — and that is an [[evil]] [[system]], a new form of [[slavery]] covered up with certain niceties of complexity. [...] Segregation is evil because it relegates persons to the status of things. [...] And segregation is evil because it stigmatizes the segregated as an [[w:Dalit|untouchable]] in a caste system. We've been in the mountain of segregation long enough and it is time for all men of goodwill to say now, &quot;We are through with segregation now, henceforth, and forever more.&quot;'''

* '''A great nation is a compassionate nation. Who are the least of these? The least of these are those who still find themselves smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in an affluent society. Who are the least of these? They are the thousands of individuals who see life as a long and desolate corridor with no exit sign. Who are the least of these? They are the little boys and little girls who grow up with clouds of inferiority floating in their little mental skies because they know that they are caught in conditions of economic depravation. Who are the least of these? They are the individuals who are caught in the fatigue of despair. And somehow if we are to be a great nation, we must be concerned about the least of these, our brothers.'''

* '''And we've been in the mountain of indifference too long and ultimately we must be concerned about the least of these; we must be concerned about the poverty-stricken because our destinies are tied together. And somehow in the final analysis, as long as there is poverty in the world, nobody can be totally rich. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. And what affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason, I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.''' [[John Donne]] caught it years ago and placed it in graphic terms, &quot;No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.&quot; And he goes on toward the end to say, &quot;Any man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.&quot; And when we see this, we will move out of the mountain of indifference concerning poverty.

* I'm more convinced than ever before that '''violence can not solve the problems of the world. Violence is both impractical and immoral.''' This is why I've tried in my little way to teach it in our struggle for racial justice that I've come to see and I believe with all my heart that we can not make the great moral contribution to our nation that we should make, and we can not win the battle for justice if we stoop to the point of using violence in our struggle.

* '''Love is basic for the very survival of mankind.''' I'm convinced that '''love is the only absolute ultimately; love is the highest good. He who loves has somehow discovered the meaning of ultimate reality.''' He who hates does not know God; he who hates has no knowledge of God. '''Love is the supreme unifying principle of life.''' Psychiatrists are telling us now that many of the strange things that happen in the [subconscious], many of the inner conflicts are rooted in hate, and they are now saying &quot;Love or perish.&quot; Oh, how basic this is. It rings down across the centuries: Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, with all thy strength, with all thy mind, and thy neighbor as thyself. We've been in the mountain of violence and hatred too long.

* We've got to move on to the point of seeing that on the international scale, war is obsolete -- that it must somehow be cast into unending limbo. But in a day when [[w:Sputnik|Sputniks]] and [[w:Explorer program|Explorers]] are dashing through outer space and guided ballistic missiles are carving highways of death through the stratosphere, no nation can win a war. '''It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence; it is either nonviolence or nonexistence.''' And the alternative to disarmament, the alternative to a greater suspension of nuclear tests, the alternative to strengthening the United Nations and thereby disarming the whole world may well be a civilization plunged into the abyss of annihilation. And so we must rise up and beat our swords into plowshares, and our spears into pruning hooks and nations must not rise up against nations, neither must they study war anymore.

* '''We've been in the mountain of [[war]]. We've been in the mountain of [[violence]]. We've been in the mountain of [[hatred]] long enough. It is necessary to move on now, but only by moving out of this mountain can we move to the promised land of [[justice]] and brotherhood and the [[w:Kingdom of God|Kingdom of God]]. It all boils down to the fact that we must never allow ourselves to become satisfied with unattained goals. We must always maintain a kind of divine discontent.'''

* Modern psychology has a word that is probably used more than any other word in psychology. It is the word &quot;maladjusted.&quot; Certainly we all want to live the well adjusted life in order to avoid neurotic and schizophrenic personalities. But I must honestly say to you tonight my friends that there are some things in our world, there are some things in our nation to which I'm proud to be maladjusted, to which I call upon all men of goodwill to be maladjusted until the good society is realized. I must honestly say to you that I never intend to adjust myself to segregation and discrimination. I never intend to become adjusted to religious bigotry. I never intend to adjust myself to economic conditions that will take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few. I never intend to adjust myself to the madness of militarism and the self defeating effects of physical violence.

* '''If physical death is the price that some must pay to free their children and their white brothers from a permanent death of the spirit, then nothing can be more redemptive.'''

* '''And I believe it because somehow the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice. We shall overcome because [[Thomas Carlyle|Carlyle]] is right: &quot;No lie can live forever.&quot; We shall overcome because [[William Cullen Bryant]] is right: &quot;Truth crushed to earth will rise again.&quot; We shall overcome because [[James Russell Lowell]] is right: &quot;Truth forever on the scaffold, wrong forever on the throne. Yet, that scaffold sways the future and behind the dim unknown standeth God within the shadow, keeping watch above his own.&quot; With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to speed up the day. And in the words of prophecy, &quot;Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill shall be made low. The rough places will be made plain and the crooked places straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.&quot; This will be a great day. This will be a marvelous hour. And at that moment, figuratively speaking in biblical words: &quot;the morning stars will sing together and the sons of God will shout for joy.&quot;'''

==== Address on Courage (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0On19DRA2fU Address on Courage, at Brown Chapel in Selma, Alabama (8 March 1965)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* Deep down in our nonviolent creed is the conviction that there are some things so dear, some things so precious, some things so eternally true that they're worth dying for. And if a man happens to be 36 years old, as I happen to be, and some great truth stands before the door of his life, some great opportunity to stand up for that which is right, he's afraid his home will get burned, or he's afraid that he will lose his job, or he's afraid that he will get shot or beat down by state troopers. He may go on and live until he's 80, but he's just as dead at 36 as he would be at 80. And the cessation of breathing in his life is merely the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit. He died...&lt;br/&gt;'''A man dies when he refuses to stand up for that which is right. A man dies when he refuses to stand up for justice. A man dies when he refuses to take a stand for that which is true.&lt;br/&gt;So we're going to stand up right here amid horses. We're going to stand up right here, in Alabama, amid the billy-clubs. We're going to stand up right here in Alabama amid police dogs, if they have them. We're going to stand up amid tear gas! We're going to stand up amid anything they can muster up, letting the world know that we are determined to be free!

==== [[w:How Long, Not Long|How Long, Not Long]] (1965) ====
[[File:Bloody Sunday-Alabama police attack.jpeg|thumb|Our feet are tired, but our souls are rested.]]
[[File:Selma to Montgomery Marches.jpg|thumb|The battle is in our hands. And we can answer with creative nonviolence the call to higher ground to which the new directions of our struggle summons us. The road ahead is not altogether a smooth one. There are no broad highways that lead us easily and inevitably to quick solutions. But we must keep going.]]
[[File:Abernathy Children on front line leading the SELMA TO MONTGOMERY MARCH for the RIGHT TO VOTE.JPG|thumb|I must admit to you that there are still jail cells waiting for us, and dark and difficult moments. But if we will go on with the faith that nonviolence and its power can transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows, we will be able to change all of these conditions.]]
[[File:Bloody Sunday-officers await demonstrators.jpeg|thumb|I plead with you this afternoon as we go ahead: remain committed to nonviolence. Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate the white man, but to win his friendship and understanding. We must come to see that the end we seek is a society at peace with itself, a society that can live with its conscience. And that will be a day not of the white man, not of the black man. That will be the day of man as man.]]
&lt;!-- this image and similar caption is used elsewhere on the page: [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.]] --&gt; 
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/our_god_is_marching_on/ The speech is also known as &quot;Our God is Marching On!&quot;, and was delivered in Montgomery, Alabama (25 March 1965)]&lt;/small&gt;

* And in a real sense this afternoon, we can say that '''our feet are tired, but our souls are rested.''' They told us we wouldn't get here. And there were those who said that we would get here only over their dead bodies, (but all the world today knows that we are here and we are standing before the forces of power in the state of Alabama saying, &quot;We ain't goin' let nobody turn us around.&quot;

* '''The Civil Rights Act of 1964 gave Negroes some part of their rightful dignity, but without the vote it was dignity without strength.''' Once more the method of nonviolent resistance was unsheathed from its scabbard, and once again an entire community was mobilized to confront the adversary. And again '''the brutality of a dying order shrieks across the land. Yet, Selma, Alabama, became a shining moment in the conscience of man. If the worst in American life lurked in its dark streets, the best of American instincts arose passionately from across the nation to overcome it. There never was a moment in American history more honorable and more inspiring than the pilgrimage of clergymen and laymen of every race and faith pouring into Selma to face danger at the side of its embattled Negroes.'''

* The confrontation of good and evil compressed in the tiny community of Selma generated the massive power to turn the whole nation to a new course. '''A president born in the South had the sensitivity to feel the will of the country, and in [[w:Selma to Montgomery marches#Historical_impact|an address]] that will live in history as one of the most passionate pleas for human rights ever made by a president of our nation, he pledged the might of the federal government to cast off the centuries-old blight. [[Lyndon B. Johnson|President Johnson]] rightly praised the courage of the Negro for awakening the conscience of the nation.'''

* Our whole campaign in Alabama has been centered around the right to vote. In focusing the attention of the nation and the world today on the flagrant denial of the right to vote, we are exposing the very origin, the root cause, of racial segregation in the Southland. '''Racial segregation as a way of life did not come about as a natural result of hatred between the races immediately after the Civil War. There were no laws segregating the races then. And as the noted historian, C. Vann Woodward, in his book, ''The Strange Career of Jim Crow,'' clearly points out, the segregation of the races was really a political stratagem employed by the emerging Bourbon interests in the South to keep the southern masses divided and southern labor the cheapest in the land. You see, it was a simple thing to keep the poor white masses working for near-starvation wages in the years that followed the Civil War.''' Why, '''if the poor white plantation or mill worker became dissatisfied with his low wages, the plantation or mill owner would merely threaten to fire him and hire former Negro slaves and pay him even less. Thus, the southern wage level was kept almost unbearably low. Toward the end of the Reconstruction era, something very significant happened. That is what was known as the Populist Movement. The leaders of this movement began awakening the poor white masses and the former Negro slaves to the fact that they were being fleeced by the emerging Bourbon interests. Not only that, but they began uniting the Negro and white masses into a voting bloc that threatened to drive the Bourbon interests from the command posts of political power in the South. To meet this threat, the southern aristocracy began immediately to engineer this development of a segregated society.''' I want you to follow me through here because this is very important to see the roots of racism and the denial of the right to vote. '''Through their control of mass media, they revised the doctrine of white supremacy. They saturated the thinking of the poor white masses with it, thus clouding their minds to the real issue involved in the Populist Movement. They then directed the placement on the books of the South of laws that made it a crime for Negroes and whites to come together as equals at any level. And that did it. That crippled and eventually destroyed the Populist Movement of the nineteenth century.'''

* '''If it may be said of the slavery era that the white man took the world and gave the Negro Jesus, then it may be said of the Reconstruction era that the southern aristocracy took the world and gave the poor white man [[w:Jim Crow laws|Jim Crow]]. He gave him Jim Crow. And when his wrinkled stomach cried out for the food that his empty pockets could not provide, he ate Jim Crow, a psychological bird that told him that no matter how bad off he was, at least he was a white man, better than the black man.''' And he ate Jim Crow. And when his undernourished children cried out for the necessities that his low wages could not provide, he showed them the Jim Crow signs on the buses and in the stores, on the streets and in the public buildings. And his children, too, learned to feed upon Jim Crow, their last outpost of psychological oblivion. '''Thus, the threat of the free exercise of the ballot by the Negro and the white masses alike resulted in the establishment of a segregated society.''' They segregated southern money from the poor whites; they segregated southern mores from the rich whites; they segregated southern churches from Christianity; they segregated southern minds from honest thinking; and they segregated the Negro from everything. '''That's what happened when the Negro and white masses of the South threatened to unite and build a great society: a society of justice where none would pray upon the weakness of others; a society of plenty where greed and poverty would be done away; a society of brotherhood where every man would respect the dignity and worth of human personality.'''

* '''Let us march on ballot boxes, march on ballot boxes until race-baiters disappear from the political arena. &lt;br/&gt; Let us march on ballot boxes until the salient misdeeds of bloodthirsty mobs will be transformed into the calculated good deeds of orderly citizens.&lt;br/&gt; Let us march on ballot boxes until the [[w:George Wallace|Wallaces]] of our nation tremble away in silence.&lt;br/&gt; Let us march on ballot boxes until we send to our city councils , state legislatures, and the United States Congress, men who will not fear to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with thy God.&lt;br/&gt; Let us march on ballot boxes until brotherhood becomes more than a meaningless word in an opening prayer, but the order of the day on every legislative agenda.&lt;br/&gt; Let us march on ballot boxes until all over Alabama God's children will be able to walk the earth in decency and honor. There is nothing wrong with marching in this sense.'''

* '''The battle is in our hands. And we can answer with creative nonviolence the call to higher ground to which the new directions of our struggle summons us. The road ahead is not altogether a smooth one. There are no broad highways that lead us easily and inevitably to quick solutions. But we must keep going.'''

* I know there is a cry today in Alabama, we see it in numerous editorials: '''&quot;When will Martin Luther King, SCLC, SNCC, and all of these civil rights agitators and all of the white clergymen and labor leaders and students and others get out of our community and let Alabama return to normalcy?&quot;''' [...] It is normalcy all over our country which leaves the Negro perishing on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of vast ocean of material prosperity. It is normalcy all over Alabama that prevents the Negro from becoming a registered voter. (Yes) No, '''we will not allow Alabama to return to normalcy. The only normalcy that we will settle for is the normalcy that recognizes the dignity and worth of all of God's children. The only normalcy that we will settle for is the normalcy that allows judgment to run down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream. The only normalcy that we will settle for is the normalcy of brotherhood, the normalcy of true peace, the normalcy of justice.'''

* '''I must admit to you that there are still jail cells waiting for us, and dark and difficult moments. But if we will go on with the faith that nonviolence and its power can transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows, we will be able to change all of these conditions. And so I plead with you this afternoon as we go ahead: remain committed to nonviolence. Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate the white man, but to win his friendship and understanding. We must come to see that the end we seek is a society at peace with itself, a society that can live with its conscience. And that will be a day not of the white man, not of the black man. That will be the day of man as man.'''

* '''I know you are asking today, &quot;How long will it take?&quot; Somebody's asking, &quot;How long will prejudice blind the visions of men, darken their understanding, and drive bright-eyed wisdom from her sacred throne?&quot; Somebody's asking, &quot;When will wounded justice, lying prostrate on the streets of Selma and Birmingham and communities all over the South, be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men?&quot; Somebody's asking, &quot;When will the radiant star of hope be plunged against the nocturnal bosom of this lonely night, plucked from weary souls with chains of fear and the manacles of death? How long will justice be crucified, and truth bear it?&quot; I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because &quot;truth crushed to earth will rise again.&quot; How long? Not long, because &quot;no lie can live forever.&quot; How long? Not long, because &quot;you shall reap what you sow.&quot;'''

* '''How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.'''

==== Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www2.oberlin.edu/external/EOG/BlackHistoryMonth/MLK/CommAddress.html &quot;Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution&quot; — Commencement Address for Oberlin College, Oberlin Ohio (June 1965)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''There are all too many people who, in some great period of social change, fail to achieve the new mental outlooks that the new situation demands.''' There is nothing more tragic than to sleep through a revolution. There can be no gainsaying of the fact that a great revolution is taking place in our world today. It is a social revolution, sweeping away the old order of colonialism. And in our own nation it is sweeping away the old order of slavery and racial segregation. The wind of change is blowing, and we see in our day and our age a significant development.

* I'd like to suggest some of the things that we must do in order to remain awake and to achieve the proper mental attitudes and responses that the new situation demands. First, I'd like to say that we are challenged to achieve a world perspective. '''Anyone who feels that we can live in isolation today, anyone who feels that we can live without being concerned about other individuals and other nations is sleeping through a revolution. The world in which we live is geographically one. The great challenge now is to make it one in terms of brotherhood.'''

* '''We must all learn to live together as brothers — or we will all perish together as fools.''' This is the great issue facing us today. No individual can live alone; no nation can live alone. We are tied together.

* All I'm saying is simply this: that all mankind is tied together; all life is interrelated, and we are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. For some strange reason I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be — this is the interrelated structure of reality.

* '''Let nobody give you the impression that the problem of racial injustice will work itself out. Let nobody give you the impression that only time will solve the problem.''' That is a myth, and it is a myth because time is neutral. It can be used either constructively or destructively. And I'm absolutely convinced that the people of ill will in our nation — the extreme rightists — the forces committed to negative ends — have used time much more effectively than the people of good will. It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation, not merely for the vitriolic works and violent actions of the bad people who bomb a church in Birmingham, Alabama, or shoot down a civil rights worker in Selma, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around and say, &quot;Wait on time.&quot; '''Somewhere we must come to see that human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and the persistent work of dedicated individuals. Without this hard work, time becomes an ally of the primitive forces of social stagnation. So we must help time and realize that the time is always right to do right.'''
** Variants: 
** Somewhere we must come to see that human progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and the persistent work of dedicated individuals who are willing to be co-workers with God. And without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the primitive forces of social stagnation. '''So we must help time and realize that the time is always ripe to do right.'''
*** Variant reportedly used in the 1968 version at the Episcopal National Cathedral, Washington D.C. (31 March 1968), further noted below.

* Now there is another problem facing us that we must deal with if we are to remain awake through a social revolution. We must get rid of violence, hatred, and war. '''Anyone who feels that the problems of mankind can be solved through violence is sleeping through a revolution.''' I've said this over and over again, and I believe it more than ever today. We know about violence. It's been the inseparable twin of Western materialism, the hallmark of its grandeur. '''I am convinced that violence ends up creating many more social problems than it solves.''' This is why I say to my people that if we succumb to the temptation of using violence in our struggle, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness. There is another way — a way as old as the insights of [[Jesus]] of Nazareth and as modern as the techniques of [[Mohandas K. Gandhi]]. For it is possible to stand up against an unjust system with all of your might, with all of your body, with all of your soul, and yet not stoop to hatred and violence. Something about this approach disarms the opponent. It exposes his moral defenses, weakens his morale, and at the same time, works on his conscience. He doesn't know how to handle it. So it is my great hope that, as we struggle for racial justice, we will follow that philosophy and method of non-violent resistance, realizing that this is the approach that can bring about that better day of racial justice for everyone.&lt;br /&gt; In international relations, we must come to see this. '''We must find some alternative to war and bloodshed.''' In a day when man-made vehicles are dashing through outer space, and guided ballistic missiles are carving highways of death in the stratosphere, no nation can win a world war. '''It is no longer a choice between violence and non-violence; it is either non-violence or non-existence.''' The alternative may well be a civilization plunged into the abyss of annihilation, our earthly habitat transformed into a tragic inferno that even [[Dante]] could not imagine. So this is our challenge: to see that war is obsolete, cast into limbo.

* '''I do not wish to minimize the complexity of the problems to be faced in achieving disarmament and peace. But we shall not have the courage, the insight, to deal with such matters unless we are prepared to undergo a mental and spiritual change.''' It is not enough to say we must not wage war. We must love peace and sacrifice for it. We must fix our visions not merely on the negative expulsion of war, but upon the positive affirmation of peace. We must see that peace represents a sweeter music, far superior to the discords of war. Somehow we must transform the dynamics of the world power struggle from the negative nuclear arms race which no one can win to a positive contest to harness man's creative genius for the purpose of making peace and prosperity a reality for all of the nations of the world. In short, '''we must shift the arms race into a peace race.''' &lt;br /&gt; All that I've said is that we must work for peace, for racial justice, for economic justice, and for brotherhood the world over. We have inherited a big house, a great world house in which we have to live together — black and white, Easterners and Westerners, Gentiles and Jews, Protestants and Catholics, Moslem and Hindu. If we all learn to do this we, in a real sense, will remain awake through a great revolution.

* God is not interested in the freedom of black men or brown men or yellow men. God is interested in the freedom of the whole human race, the creation of a society where every man will respect the dignity and worth of personality. So when we sing ''We Shall Overcome'', we are singing a hymn of faith, a hymn of optimism, a hymn of faith in the future. &lt;br /&gt; I can still sing that song because I have faith in the future. '''I believe that we, as Negroes, are going to gain our freedom in America because the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with the destiny of America.'''

===== 1968 version =====
:&lt;small&gt;King often delivered slightly revised versions of his speeches at different venues, and a later variant of this speech, [https://web.archive.org/web/20060314095859/http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/sermons/680331.000_Remaining_Awake.html delivered at the Episcopal National Cathedral, Washington D.C. (31 March 1968)], though retaining much, contained statements not in the 1965 version.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Ultimately a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus.'''

* '''On some positions, Cowardice asks the question, &quot;Is it safe?&quot; Expediency asks the question, &quot;Is it politic?&quot; And Vanity comes along and asks the question, &quot;Is it popular?&quot; But Conscience asks the question &quot;Is it right?&quot; And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because Conscience tells him it is right.''' I believe today that there is a need for all people of good will to come together with a massive act of conscience and say in the words of the old Negro spiritual, &quot;We ain't goin' study war no more.&quot; '''This is the challenge facing modern man.'''

==== The American Dream (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt; [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/the_american_dream/ Sermon at Ebenezer Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia (4 July 1965)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Oh yes, love is the way. Love is the only absolute. More and more I see this. I've seen too much hate to want to hate myself; hate is too great a burden to bear.''' I've seen it on the faces of too many sheriffs of the South — I've seen hate. In the faces and even the walk of too many Klansmen of the South, I've seen hate. Hate distorts the personality. Hate does something to the soul that causes one to lose his objectivity. The man who hates can't think straight; the man who hates can't reason right; the man who hates can't see right; the man who hates can't walk right. And '''I know now that [[Jesus]] is right, that love is the way. And this is why John said, ''&quot;God is love,&quot;'' so that he who hates does not know God, but he who loves at that moment has the key that opens the door to the meaning of ultimate reality. So this morning there is so much that we have to offer to the world...'''&lt;br/&gt;So '''yes, the dream has been shattered, and I have had my nightmarish experiences, but I tell you this morning once more that I haven't lost the faith. I still have a dream that one day all of God's children will have food and clothing and material well-being for their bodies, culture and education for their minds, and freedom for their spirits.'''&lt;br/&gt;I still have a dream this morning: one day all of God's black children will be respected like his white children.&lt;br/&gt;I still have a dream this morning that one day the lion and the lamb will lie down together, and every man will sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid...&lt;br/&gt;I still have a dream this morning that truth will reign supreme and all of God's children will respect the dignity and worth of human personality...&lt;br/&gt;''&quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men (All right) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.&quot;''&lt;br/&gt;We open the doors of the church now. If someone needs to accept Christ, this is a marvelous opportunity, a great moment to make a decision. And as we sing together, we bid you come at this time by Christian experience, [[baptism]], watch care. But come at this moment, [[w:Conversion to Christianity|become a part of this great Christian fellowship and accept Christ as your personal Savior.]]

==== A Christian Movement in a Revolutionary Age (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.thekingcenter.org/archive/document/christian-movement-revolutionary-age A Christian Movement in a Revolutionary Age (28 September 1965)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''When [[Moses]] walked into the courts of Pharaoh and thundered forth with the call to &quot;Let my people go,&quot; he introduced into history the concept of a God who was concerned about the freedom and dignity of all his children and who was willing to turn heaven and earth that freedom might be a realty. Throughout the history of Israel as recorded in the [[Old Testament]], we see God active in the affairs of men, struggling relentlessly against the forces of evil that beset them and seeking to mold a people who will serve as his children, as partners in the building of His kingdom here on earth. The God of our fathers is a God of revolution. He will not be content with anything less than perfection in His children and in their society. It is this strong biblical tradition which has been the foundation of the freedom struggle for the past three centuries.''' As far as back as the early days of slavery black men heard the story of Mosees and learned of this great God who would lead his people to freedom, and so they sang, &quot;[[w:Go Down Moses|Go Down Moses]].&quot; They sang of a &quot;[[w:Balm in Gilead|Balm in Gilead]]&quot; that would &quot;heal the sin-sick soul&quot; and &quot;make the wounded whole.&quot; They sand of Ezekial's dry bones and prophesied the day when the dry bones of the valleys of our land would rise up and become men and stand tall for freedom and dignity.

* '''A Christian movement in an age of revolution cannot allow itself to be limited by geographic boundaries. We must be as concerned about the poor in [[India]] as we are about the poor of [[w:Indiana|Indiana]].'''

==== Family Planning - A Special and Urgent Concern (1966) ====
{{Smallcite|1=[http://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-gulf-coast/mlk-acceptance-speech Upon Accepting The Planned Parenthood Federation of America Margaret Sanger Award (5 May 1966)]

Dr. King's award was presented on May 5, 1966. The citation read:

&lt;div style=&quot;margin-left:2em&gt;&quot;This award is presented to the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., for his courageous resistance to bigotry and his lifelong dedication to the advancement of social justice and human dignity.&lt;/div&gt; 

Mrs. Coretta Scott King delivered her husband's acceptance speech on his behalf}}
[[File:Alien spaceship breaking through the clouds over a desert highway.jpg|thumb|Visitors from outer space ... would be stupefied at our conduct. They would observe that for death planning we spend billions to create engines and strategies for war.]]
[[File:LizzieVanZyl.jpg|thumb|There is scarcely anything more tragic in human life than a child who is not wanted. That which should be a blessing becomes a curse for parent and child.]]
[[File:Civil rights leaders meet with President John F. Kennedy3.jpg|thumb|Together we can and should unite our strength for the wise preservation, not of races in general, but of the one race we all constitute — the human race.]]

* Recently, the press has been filled with reports of sightings of flying saucers. While we need not give credence to these stories, they allow our imagination to speculate on how '''visitors from outer space''' would judge us. I am afraid '''they would be stupefied at our conduct. They would observe that for death planning we spend billions to create engines and strategies for war. They would also observe that we spend millions to prevent death by disease and other causes. Finally they would observe that we spend paltry sums for population planning, even though its spontaneous growth is an urgent threat to life on our planet. Our visitors from outer space could be forgiven if they reported home that our planet is inhabited by a race of insane men whose future is bleak and uncertain.'''

* There is no human circumstance more tragic than the persisting existence of a harmful condition for which a remedy is readily available. '''Family planning, to relate population to world resources, is possible, practical and necessary. Unlike plagues of the dark ages or contemporary diseases we do not yet understand, the modern plague of overpopulation is soluble by means we have discovered and with resources we possess.''' 

* '''What is lacking is not sufficient knowledge of the solution but universal consciousness of the gravity of the problem and education of the billions who are its victims.'''

* It is easier for a Negro to understand a social paradox because he has lived so long with evils that could be eradicated but were perpetuated by indifference or ignorance. The Negro finally had to devise unique methods to deal with his problem, and perhaps the measure of success he is realizing can be an inspiration to others coping with tenacious social problems. '''In our struggle for equality we were confronted with the reality that many millions of people were essentially ignorant of our conditions or refused to face unpleasant truths. The hard-core bigot was merely one of our adversaries. The millions who were blind to our plight had to be compelled to face the social evil their indifference permitted to flourish.'''

* '''After centuries of relative silence and enforced acceptance, we adapted a technique of exposing the problem by direct and dramatic methods. We had confidence that when we awakened the nation to the immorality and evil of inequality, there would be an upsurge of conscience followed by remedial action. We knew that there were solutions and that the majority of the nation were ready for them. Yet we also knew that the existence of solutions would not automatically operate to alter conditions. We had to organize, not only arguments, but people in the millions for action. Finally we had to be prepared to accept all the consequences involved in dramatizing our grievances in the unique style we had devised.'''

* There is a striking kinship between our movement and [[Margaret Sanger]]'s early efforts. She, like we, saw the horrifying conditions of ghetto life. Like we, she knew that all of society is poisoned by cancerous slums. Like we, she was a direct actionist — a nonviolent resister. She was willing to accept scorn and abuse until the truth she saw was revealed to the millions. At the turn of the century she went into the slums and set up a birth control clinic, and for this deed she went to jail because she was violating an unjust law. Yet the years have justified her actions. She launched a movement which is obeying a higher law to preserve human life under humane conditions. Margaret Sanger had to commit what was then called a crime in order to enrich humanity, and today we honor her courage and vision; for without them there would have been no beginning. Our sure beginning in the struggle for equality by nonviolent direct action may not have been so resolute without the tradition established by [[w:Margaret Sanger|Margaret Sanger]] and people like her. Negroes have no mere academic nor ordinary interest in family planning. They have a special and urgent concern.

* During the past half century Negroes have migrated on a massive scale, transplanting millions from rural communities to crammed urban ghettoes. In their migration, as with all migrants, they carried with them the folkways of the countryside into an inhospitable city slum. The size of family that may have been appropriate and tolerable on a manually cultivated farm was carried over to the jammed streets of the ghetto. '''In all respects Negroes were atomized, neglected and discriminated against. Yet, the worst omission was the absence of institutions to acclimate them to their new environment.''' Margaret Sanger, who offered an important institutional remedy, was unfortunately ignored by social and political leaders in this period. In consequence, Negro folkways in family size persisted. '''The problem was compounded when unrestrained exploitation and discrimination accented the bewilderment of the newcomer, and high rates of illegitimacy and fragile family relationships resulted.'''

* For the Negro, therefore, intelligent guides of family planning are a profoundly important ingredient in his quest for security and a decent life. '''There are mountainous obstacles still separating Negroes from a normal existence. Yet one element in stabilizing his life would be an understanding of and easy access to the means to develop a family related in size to his community environment and to the income potential he can command.''' This is not to suggest that the Negro will solve all his problems through Planned Parenthood. '''His problems are far more complex, encompassing economic security, education, freedom from discrimination, decent housing and access to culture. Yet if family planning is sensible it can facilitate or at least not be an obstacle to the solution of the many profound problems that plague him.'''

* The Negro constitutes half the poor of the nation. Like all poor, Negro and white, they have many unwanted children. This is a cruel evil they urgently need to control. '''There is scarcely anything more tragic in human life than a child who is not wanted. That which should be a blessing becomes a curse for parent and child.''' There is nothing inherent in the Negro mentality which creates this condition. Their poverty causes it. When Negroes have been able to ascend economically, statistics reveal they plan their families with even greater care than whites. Negroes of higher economic and educational status actually have fewer children than white families in the same circumstances.

* Some commentators point out that with present birth rates it will not be long before Negroes are a majority in many of the major cities of the nation. As a consequence, they can be expected to take political control, and many people are apprehensive at this prospect. '''Negroes''' do not seek political control by this means. They '''seek only what they are entitled to and do not wish for domination purchased at the cost of human misery. Negroes were once bred by slave owners to be sold as merchandise. They do not welcome any solution which involves population breeding as a weapon. They are instinctively sympathetic to all who offer methods that will improve their lives and offer them fair opportunity to develop and advance as all other people in our society.'''

* Some commentators point out that with present birth rates it will not be long before Negroes are a majority in many of the major cities of the nation. As a consequence, they can be expected to take political control, and many people are apprehensive at this prospect. Negroes do not seek political control by this means. They seek only what they are entitled to and do not wish for domination purchased at the cost of human misery. Negroes were once bred by slave owners to be sold as merchandise. They do not welcome any solution which involves population breeding as a weapon. They are instinctively sympathetic to all who offer methods that will improve their lives and offer them fair opportunity to develop and advance as all other people in our society.

* For these reasons we are natural allies of those who seek to inject any form of planning in our society that enriches life and guarantees the right to exist in freedom and dignity. For these constructive movements we are prepared to give our energies and consistent support; because in the need for family planning, Negro and white have a common bond; and '''together we can and should unite our strength for the wise preservation, not of races in general, but of the one race we all constitute — the human race.'''

* Recently, the press has been filled with reports of sightings of flying saucers. While we need not give credence to these stories, they allow our imagination to speculate on how '''visitors from outer space''' would judge us. I am afraid '''they would be stupefied at our conduct. They would observe that for death planning we spend billions to create engines and strategies for war. They would also observe that we spend millions to prevent death by disease and other causes. Finally they would observe that we spend paltry sums for population planning, even though its spontaneous growth is an urgent threat to life on our planet. Our visitors from outer space could be forgiven if they reported home that our planet is inhabited by a race of insane men whose future is bleak and uncertain.'''

==== Guidelines for a Constructive Church (1966) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/multimediaentry/doc_guidelines_for_a_constructive_church/ Guidelines for a Constructive Church (5 June 1966)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* When the church is true to its guidelines, it sets out to preach deliverance to them that are captive. This is the role of the church: to free people. This merely means to free those who are slaves. Now if you notice some churches, they never read this part. Some churches aren't concerned about freeing anybody. Some white churches face the fact Sunday after Sunday that their members are slaves to prejudice, slaves to fear. You got a third of them, or a half of them or more, slaves to their prejudices. And the preacher does nothing to free them from their prejudice so often. Then you have another group sitting up there who would really like to do something about racial injustice, but they are afraid of social, political, and economic reprisals, so they end up silent. And the preacher never says anything to lift their souls and free them from that fear. And so they end up captive. You know this often happens in the Negro church. You know, there are some Negro preachers that have never opened their mouths about the freedom movement. And not only have they not opened their mouths, they haven't done anything about it. And every now and then you get a few members: ''&quot;They talk too much about civil rights in that church.&quot;'' I was talking with a preacher the other day and he said a few of his members were saying that. I said, ''&quot;Don't pay any attention to them. Because number one, the members didn't anoint you to preach. And any preacher who allows members to tell him what to preach isn't much of a preacher.&quot;''&lt;br/&gt;For the guidelines made it very clear that God anointed. No member of ''Ebenezer Baptist Church'' called me to the ministry. '''You called me to Ebenezer, and you may turn me out of here, but you can't turn me out of the ministry, because I got my guidelines and my anointment from God Almighty. And anything I want to say, I'm going to say it from this pulpit. It may hurt somebody, I don't know about that; somebody may not agree with it. But when God speaks, who can but prophesy? The word of God is upon me like fire shut up in my bones, and when God's word gets upon me, I've got to say it, I've got to tell it all over everywhere. And God has called me to deliver those that are in captivity.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''Some people are suffering. Some people are hungry this morning. Some people are still living with segregation and discrimination this morning. I'm going to preach about it. I'm going to fight for them. I'll die for them if necessary, because I got my guidelines clear. And the God that I serve and the God that called me to preach told me that every now and then I'll have to go to jail for them. Every now and then I'll have to agonize and suffer for the freedom of his children. I even may have to die for it. But if that's necessary, I'd rather follow the guidelines of God than to follow the guidelines of men.''' The church is called to set free those that are captive, to set free those that are victims of the slavery of segregation and discrimination, those who are caught up in the slavery of fear and prejudice.

==== [[w:Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence|Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence]] (1967) ====
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 4.jpg|thumb|I am convinced that if we are to get on the right side of the [[world]] [[revolution]], we as a [[nation]] must undergo a radical revolution of [[values]].]]
[[File:Vietnam War Protest in DC, 1967.gif|thumb|If [[America]]'s [[soul]] becomes totally poisoned, part of the autopsy must read: [[Vietnam]]. It can never be saved so long as it destroys the deepest [[hopes]] of men the world over.]]
[[File:Vietnam War protest in Washington DC April 1971.jpg|thumb|We still have a [[choice]] today: nonviolent coexistence or violent coannihilation. We must move past indecision to [[action]].]]
[[File:Vietnamprotestors.jpg|thumb|If we do not act, we shall surely be dragged down the long, [[dark]], and [[shameful]] corridors of [[time]] reserved for those who possess [[power]] without [[compassion]], might without [[morality]], and [[strength]] without [[sight]]. Now let us [[begin]]. Now let us rededicate ourselves to the long and bitter, but [[beautiful]], struggle for a new [[world]].]]
{{smallcite|Speech at Riverside Church in New York City (4 April 1967) - [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkatimetobreaksilence.htm Online text and audio] This speech is similarly in style and themes to &quot;Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam (1967)&quot; (see below), but offers a more detailled view with respect to the early US involvement in the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] than the &quot;Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam&quot; speech.}}

* Even when pressed by the demands of inner [[truth]], men do not easily assume the task of opposing their [[government]]'s policy, especially in time of [[war]]. Nor does the human spirit move without great difficulty against all the apathy of [[conformist]] thought within one's own bosom and in the surrounding world. Moreover, when the issues at hand seem as perplexing as they often do in the case of this dreadful conflict, we are always on the verge of being mesmerized by uncertainty; but we must move on. &lt;br /&gt; And some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found that the calling to speak is often a vocation of agony, but we must speak. We must speak with all the humility that is appropriate to our limited vision, but we must speak.

* '''As I have walked among the desperate, rejected and angry young men I have told them that Molotov cocktails and rifles would not solve their problems. I have tried to offer them my deepest compassion while maintaining my conviction that social change comes most meaningfully through nonviolent action. But they asked — and rightly so — what about Vietnam?''' They asked if our own nation wasn't using massive doses of violence to solve its problems, to bring about the changes it wanted. Their questions hit home, and I knew that I could never again raise my voice against the violence of the oppressed in the ghettos without having first spoken clearly to the greatest purveyor of violence in the world today — my own government.

* Now, it should be incandescently clear that no one who has any concern for the integrity and life of America today can ignore the present war. '''If America's soul becomes totally poisoned, part of the autopsy must read: Vietnam. It can never be saved so long as it destroys the deepest hopes of men the world over.''' So it is that those of us who are yet determined that America will be — are — are led down the path of protest and dissent, working for the health of our land.

* We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for the victims of our nation and for those it calls &quot;enemy,&quot; for no document from human hands can make these humans any less our brothers [...] I have tried in these last few minutes to give a voice to the voiceless in Vietnam and to understand the arguments of those who are called &quot;enemy&quot; [...] Somehow this madness must cease. We must stop now. I speak as a child of God and brother to the suffering poor of Vietnam. I speak for those whose land is being laid waste, whose homes are being destroyed, whose culture is being subverted. I speak of the — for the poor of America who are paying the double price of smashed hopes at home, and death and corruption in Vietnam.
**Note: Rev. King was paraphrasing the [[w:Book of Proverbs|Book of Proverbs]] 31:8-10 when referring to &quot;speak out for the voiceless&quot; and the rights of people who need justice.

* This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love.

* '''[[War]] is not the answer. [[Communism]] will never be defeated by the use of atomic bombs or [[nuclear weapons]].''' Let us not join those who shout war and, through their misguided passions, urge the United States to relinquish its participation in the United Nations. These are days which demand wise restraint and calm reasonableness. We must not engage in a negative anticommunism, but rather in a positive thrust for democracy, realizing that our greatest defense against communism is to take offensive action in behalf of justice. We must with positive action seek to remove those conditions of poverty, insecurity, and injustice, which are the fertile soil in which the seed of communism grows and develops.

* '''I am convinced that if we are to get on the right side of the [[world]] [[revolution]], we as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of [[values]].''' We must rapidly begin the shift from a &quot;thing-oriented&quot; society to a &quot;person-oriented&quot; society. When [[machines]] and [[computers]], [[profit]] motives and [[property]] rights are considered more important than [[people]], the giant triplets of [[racism]], materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered.

* '''Over the past two years, as I have moved to break the betrayal of my own silences and to speak from the burnings of my own heart, as I have called for radical departures from the destruction of Vietnam, many persons have questioned me about the wisdom of my path.''' At the heart of their concerns this query has often loomed large and loud: Why are you speaking about war, Dr. King? Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Peace and civil rights don't mix, they say. Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask? And when I hear them, though I often understand the source of their concern, '''I am nevertheless greatly saddened, for such questions mean that the inquirers have not really known me, my commitment or my calling. Indeed, their questions suggest that they do not know the world in which they live.'''

* '''Here is the true [[meaning]] and [[value]] of [[compassion]] and nonviolence, when it helps us to see the enemy's point of view, to hear his questions, to know his assessment of ourselves.''' For from his view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the opposition.

* '''A true [[revolution]] of [[values]] will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our past and present policies.''' On the one hand, we are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside, but that will be only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole Jericho Road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life's highway. '''True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.'''

* '''A genuine revolution of values means in the final analysis that our loyalties must become ecumenical rather than sectional. Every [[nation]] must now develop an overriding [[loyalty]] to [[mankind]] as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual societies. This call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one's tribe, race, class, and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all mankind.''' This oft misunderstood, this oft misinterpreted concept, so readily dismissed by the [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsches]] of the world as a weak and cowardly force, has now become an absolute necessity for the survival of man. '''When I speak of love I am not speaking of some sentimental and weak response. I am not speaking of that force which is just emotional bosh. I am speaking of that force which all of the great religions have seen as the supreme unifying principle of [[life]]. [[Love]] is somehow the [[key]] that unlocks the [[door]] which leads to ultimate [[reality]].'''

* '''We can no longer afford to worship the [[god]] of [[hate]] or bow before the altar of retaliation.''' The oceans of [[history]] are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. And history is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate.

* '''We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history there is such a thing as being too late. [[w:Procrastination|Procrastination]] is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity.''' The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood — it ebbs. '''We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, &quot;Too late.&quot;'''

* '''There is an invisible book of [[life]] that faithfully records our vigilance or our neglect.''' [[Omar Khayyam]] is right: &quot;The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on.&quot;

* '''We still have a [[choice]] today: nonviolent coexistence or violent coannihilation. We must move past indecision to action.''' We must find new ways to speak for peace in Vietnam and justice throughout the developing world, a world that borders on our doors. '''If we do not act, we shall surely be dragged down the long, dark, and shameful corridors of time reserved for those who possess power without compassion, might without morality, and strength without sight. '''

* '''Now let us begin. Now let us rededicate ourselves to the long and bitter — but beautiful — struggle for a new world. This is the calling of the sons of [[God]], and our brothers wait eagerly for our response. Shall we say the odds are too great? Shall we tell them the struggle is too hard? Will our message be that the forces of American life militate against their arrival as full men, and we send our deepest regrets? Or will there be another message, of longing, of hope, of solidarity with their yearnings, of commitment to their cause, whatever the cost? The choice is ours, and though we might prefer it otherwise we must choose in this crucial moment of human history.'''

==== Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam (1967) ====
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|He who lives with untruth lives in spiritual [[slavery]]. [[Freedom]] is still the bonus we receive for knowing the [[truth]]. &quot;Ye shall know the truth,&quot; says [[Jesus]], &quot;and the truth shall set you free.&quot;]]
[[File:My Lai massacre.jpg|thumb|There is something strangely inconsistent about a [[nation]] and a press that would praise you when you say, &quot;Be nonviolent toward [[w:Jim_Clark (sheriff)|Jim Clark]],&quot; but will curse and damn you when you say, &quot;Be nonviolent toward little brown Vietnamese children.&quot; There is something [[wrong]] with that press.]]
[[File:Flag-lens-flare.jpg|thumb|We as a [[nation]] must undergo a radical [[revolution]] of [[values]]. We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented [[society]] to a person-oriented society. When [[machines]] and [[computers]], [[profit]] motives and [[property]] rights are considered more important than [[people]], the giant triplets of racism, militarism and [[economic]] exploitation are incapable of being conquered.]]
[[File:Tank commander, Ft Knox, Ky.jpg|thumb|A [[nation]] that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual [[death]].]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr St Paul Campus U MN.jpg|thumb|Our only [[hope]] today lies in our ability to recapture the [[revolution]]ary spirit and go out into a sometimes hostile world declaring eternal hostility to poverty, racism, and militarism.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 6.jpg|thumb|Every [[nation]] must now develop an overriding [[loyalty]] to [[mankind]] as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual [[societies]]. This call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one's tribe, race, class, and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing, unconditional [[love]] for all men.]]
[[File:God2-Sistine Chapel.png|thumb|All men are made in the image of [[God]]. All men are brothers. [[w:All men are created equal|All men are created equal]]. Every man is an heir to a legacy of [[dignity]] and [[worth]]. Every man has [[rights]] that are neither conferred by, nor derived from the State — they are [[God]]-given.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article16183.htm Speech at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia] (30 April 1967) This speech is similarly in style and themes to &quot;Beyond Vietnam (1967)&quot; (see above), but offers a less detailled view with respect to the early US involvement in the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] than the &quot;Beyond Vietnam&quot; speech.&lt;/small&gt;

* I see this war as an unjust, evil, and futile war. I preach to you today on the war in Vietnam because my conscience leaves me with no other choice. The time has come for America to hear the truth about this tragic war. In international conflicts, the truth is hard to come by because most nations are deceived about themselves. Rationalizations and the incessant search for scapegoats are the psychological cataracts that blind us to our sins. But the day has passed for superficial patriotism. '''He who lives with untruth lives in spiritual slavery. Freedom is still the bonus we receive for knowing the truth.''' &quot;Ye shall know the truth,&quot; says [[Jesus]], &quot;and the truth shall set you free.&quot; Now, I've chosen to preach about the [[w:Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] because '''I agree with [[Dante]], that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality.''' There comes a time when silence becomes betrayal.
** King quoted here [[John F. Kennedy]] who at the signing of a charter establishing the German Peace Corps in Bonn, West Germany ([[24 June]] [[1963]]) remarked: '''[[Dante]] once said that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in a period of moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.''' 
*** According to Bartleby.com, Kennedy's remark may have been inspired by the passage from Dante Alighieri's [[The Divine Comedy|La Comedia Divina]] &quot;Inferno,&quot; canto 3, lines 35–42 (1972) passage as translated by Geoffrey L. Bickersteth: &quot;by those disbodied wretches who were loth when living, to be either blamed or praised. [...] Fear to lose beauty caused the heavens to expel these caitiffs; nor, lest to the damned they theng ave cause to boast, receives them the deep hell.&quot; A more modern-sounding translation from the foregoing Dante's Inferno passage was translated 1971 by Mark Musa thus: &quot;They are mixed with that repulsive choir of angels ... undecided in neutrality. Heaven, to keep its beauty, cast them out, but even Hell itself would not receive them for fear the wicked there might glory over them.&quot;
** This is also often quoted slightly differently as: &quot;The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict&quot;

* Even when pressed by the demands of inner truth, men do not easily assume the task of opposing their government's policy, especially in time of war. Nor does the human spirit move without great difficulty against all the apathy of conformist thought within one's own bosom and in the surrounding world. Moreover, when the issues at hand seem as perplexing, as they often do in the case of this dreadful conflict, we're always on the verge of being mesmerized by uncertainty. But we must move on. Some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found that the calling to speak is often a vocation of agony. But we must speak. We must speak with all the humility that is appropriate to our limited vision, but we must speak. And we must rejoice as well, for in all our history there has never been such a monumental dissent during a war, by the American people.

* Now, of course, one of the difficulties in speaking out today grows the fact that there are those who are seeking to equate dissent with disloyalty. It's a dark day in our nation when high-level authorities will seek to use every method to silence dissent. But something is happening, and people are not going to be silenced. The truth must be told, and I say that those who are seeking to make it appear that anyone who opposes the war in Vietnam is a fool or a traitor or an enemy of our soldiers is a person that has taken a stand against the best in our tradition.

* There is...a very obvious and almost facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle I and others have been waging in America. A few years ago there was a shining moment in that struggle. It seemed that there was a real promise of hope for the poor, both black and white, through the Poverty Program. There were experiments, hopes, and new beginnings. Then came the build-up in Vietnam. And I watched the program broken as if it was some idle political plaything of a society gone mad on war. And I knew that America would never invest the necessary funds or energies in rehabilitation of its poor so long as adventures like Vietnam continued to draw men and skills and money, like some demonic, destructive suction tube. And you may not know it, my friends, but it is estimated that we spend $500,000 to kill each enemy soldier, while we spend only fifty-three dollars for each person classified as poor, and much of that fifty-three dollars goes for salaries to people that are not poor. So I was increasingly compelled to see the war as an enemy of the poor, and attack it as such.

* As I have walked among the desperate, rejected, and angry young men, I have told them that Molotov cocktails and rifles would not solve their problems. I have tried to offer them my deepest compassion while maintaining my conviction that '''social change comes most meaningfully through non-violent action'''; for they ask and write me, &quot;So what about Vietnam?&quot; They ask if our nation wasn't using massive doses of violence to solve its problems to bring about the changes it wanted. Their questions hit home, and I knew that I could never again raise my voice against the violence of the oppressed in the ghettos without first having spoken clearly to the greatest purveyor of violence in the world today: my own government. For the sake of those boys, for the sake of this government, for the sake of the hundreds of thousands trembling under our violence I cannot be silent.

* '''There is something strangely inconsistent about a nation and a press that would praise you when you say, &quot;Be nonviolent toward [[w:Jim_Clark (sheriff)|Jim Clark]],&quot; but will curse and damn you when you say, &quot;Be nonviolent toward little brown Vietnamese children.&quot; There is something wrong with that press.'''

* I cannot forget that the Nobel Peace Prize was not just something taking place, but it was a commission — a commission to work harder than I had ever worked before for the brotherhood of Man. This is a calling that takes me beyond national allegiances. But even if it were not present, I would yet have to live with the meaning of my commitment to the ministry of Jesus Christ. To me, the relationship of this ministry to the making of peace is so obvious that I sometimes marvel at those who ask me why I am speaking against the war. Could it be that they do not know that the Good News was meant for all men, for [[Communism|communists]] and [[Capitalism|capitalists]], for their children and ours, for black and white, for revolutionary and conservative. Have they forgotten that my ministry is in obedience to the One who loved His enemies so fully that he died for them? What, then, can I say to the Vietcong, or to [[Fidel Castro|Castro]], or to [[Mao Tse Tung|Mao]], as a faithful minister to Jesus Christ? Can I threaten them with death, or must I not share with them my life?

* I must be true to my conviction that I share with all men the calling to be the son of the Living God. Beyond the calling of race or nation or creed is this vocation of sonship and brotherhood. And because I believe that the Father is deeply concerned, especially for His suffering and helpless and outcast children, I come today to speak for them. And as I ponder the madness of Vietnam and search within myself for ways to understand and respond in compassion, my mind goes constantly to the people of that peninsula. I speak not now of the soldiers of each side, not of the military government of Saigon, but simply of the people who have been under the curse of war for almost three continuous decades now. I think of them, too, because it is clear to me that there will be no meaningful solution until some attempt is made to know these people and hear their broken cries.

* And as I ponder the madness of Vietnam and search within myself for ways to understand and respond in compassion, my mind goes constantly to the people of that peninsula. I speak not now of the soldiers of each side, not of military government in Saigon, but simply of the people who have been under the curse of war for almost three continuous decades now. I think of them too because it is clear to me that there will be no meaningful solution until some attempt is made to know these people and hear their broken cries. Now let me tell you the truth about it. They must see Americans as strange liberators. Do you realize that the [[w:Proclamation of Independence of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam|Vietnamese people proclaimed their own independence in 1945]], after a combined French and Japanese occupation. And incidentally, this was before the [[w:Chinese Communist Revolution|communist revolution in China]]. They were led by [[Ho Chi Minh]]. And this is a little known fact, these people declared themselves independent in 1945, they quoted ''our'' [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] in their document of freedom. And yet our government refused to recognize, President [[Harry S. Truman|Truman]] said they were not ready for independence. So we failed victim as a nation at that time of the same deadly arrogance that has poisoned the international situation for all of these years. France then set out to reconquer its former colony. And they fought eight long, hard, brutal years, trying to reconquer Vietnam. You know who helped France? It was the United States of America, it came to the point that we were meeting more than 80% of the war cost. And even when France started despairing of its reckless action, we did not. And [[w:Geneva Conference (1954)|in 1954, a conference was called at Geneva]], and an agreement was reached, because France had been defeated at [[w:Battle of Dien Bien Phu|Dien Bien Phu]]. But even after that and even after the Geneva Accord, we did not stop. We must face the sad fact that our government sought in a real sense to sabotage the Geneva Accord. Well, after the French were defeated, it looked as if independence and land reform would come through the Geneva agreement. But instead the United States came and started supporting a man named [[w:Ngo Dinh Diem|Diem]], who turned out to be one of the most ruthless dictators in the history of the world. He set out to silence all opposition, people were brutally murdered merely because they raised their voices against the brutal policies of Diem. And the peasants watched and cringed as Diem ruthlessly rooted out all opposition. The peasants watched as all this was presided over by United States influence, and then by increasing numbers of United States troops, who came to help quell the insurgency that Diem's methods had aroused. When Diem was overthrown they may have been happy, but the long line of military dictatorships seemed to offer no real change, especially in terms of their need for land and peace. And who are we supporting in Vietnam today? It's a man by the name of General [[w:Nguyen Cao Ky|Ky]], who fought with the French against his own people, and who said on one occasion that the greatest hero of his life is [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. This is who we're supporting in Vietnam today. Oh, our government, and the press generally, won't tell us these things, but God told me to tell you this morning. '''The truth must be told.'''

* We have destroyed their two most cherished institutions: the family and the village. We have destroyed their land and their crops. We have cooperated in the crushing of the nation's only noncommunist revolutionary political force, the United Buddhist Church. This is a role our nation has taken, the role of those who make peaceful revolutions impossible but refusing to give up the privileges and the pleasures that comes from the immense profits of overseas investments. I'm convinced that '''if we are to get on the right side of the world revolution, we as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of values. We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented society to a person-oriented society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, militarism and economic exploitation are incapable of being conquered.'''

* A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our present policies. On the one hand, we are called to play the [[w:Parable of the Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]] on life's roadside, but that will be only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole [[w:Parable_of_the_Good_Samaritan#Road_from_Jerusalem_to_Jericho|Jericho Road]] must be changed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life's highway. '''True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar.''' A true revolution of values will soon look uneasily on the glaring contrast of poverty and wealth with righteous indignation. It will look across the seas and see individual capitalists of the West investing huge sums of money in Asia, Africa, and South America, only to take the profits out with no concern for the social betterment of the countries, and say, &quot;This is not just.&quot; It will look at [[w:Alliance for Progress|our alliance with the landed gentry of Latin America]] and say, &quot;This is not just.&quot; The Western arrogance of feeling that it has everything to teach others and nothing to learn from them is not just. A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war, &quot;This way of settling differences is not just.&quot; This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into the veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice, and love. '''A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.'''

* It is a sad fact that because of comfort, complacency, a morbid fear of communism, our proneness to adjust to injustice, the Western nations that initiated so much of the revolutionary spirit of the modern world have now become the arch anti-revolutionaries. This has driven many to feel that only [[Marxism]] has a revolutionary spirit. Therefore, communism is a judgment against our failure to make democracy real and follow through on the revolutions that we initiated. '''Our only hope today lies in our ability to recapture the [[revolution]]ary spirit and go out into a sometimes hostile world declaring eternal hostility to poverty, racism, and militarism.''' With this powerful commitment we shall boldly challenge the status quo, we shall boldly challenge unjust mores, and thereby speed up the day when &quot;every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low, and the rough places shall be made plain, and the crooked places straight. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.&quot;

* A genuine revolution of values means in the final analysis that our loyalties must become ecumenical rather than sectional. '''Every nation must now develop an overriding loyalty to mankind as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual societies. This call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one's tribe, race, class, and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing, unconditional love for all men.''' This oft misunderstood and misinterpreted concept, so readily dismissed by the [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]]s of the world as a weak and cowardly force, has now become an absolute necessity for the survival of mankind. And '''when I speak of love I'm not speaking of some sentimental and weak response. I am speaking of that force which all of the great religions have seen as the supreme unifying principle of life. Love is somehow the key that unlocks the door which leads to ultimate reality.''' This [[Hinduism|Hindu]]-[[Muslim]]-[[Christian]]-[[Judaism|Jewish]]-[[Buddhism|Buddhist]] belief about ultimate reality is beautifully summed up in the [[w:First Epistle of John|first epistle of John]] &quot;Let us love one another, for God is love. And every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us and his love is perfected in us.&quot;

* Let me say finally that I oppose the war in Vietnam because I love America. I speak out against this war, not in anger, but with anxiety and sorrow in my heart, and, above all, with a passionate desire to see our beloved country stand as the moral example of the world. I speak out against this war because I am disappointed with America. And there can be no great disappointment where there is not great love. I am disappointed with our failure to deal positively and forthrightly with the triple evils of racism, economic exploitation, and militarism. 

* We are presently moving down a dead-end road that can lead to national disaster. America has strayed to the far country of racism and militarism. The home that all too many Americans left was solidly structured idealistically; its pillars were solidly grounded in the insights of our Judeo-Christian heritage. '''All men are made in the image of [[God]]. All men are brothers. [[w:All men are created equal|All men are created equal]]. Every man is an heir to a legacy of dignity and worth. Every man has rights that are neither conferred by, nor derived from the State — they are God-given. Out of one blood, God made all men to dwell upon the face of the earth. What a marvelous foundation for any home!''' What a glorious and healthy place to inhabit. But America's strayed away, and this unnatural excursion has brought only confusion and bewilderment. It has left hearts aching with guilt and minds distorted with irrationality.

* '''Don't let anybody make you think God chose America as his divine messianic force to be a sort of policeman of the whole world.''' God has a way of standing before the nations with justice and it seems I can hear God saying to America &quot;you are too arrogant, and if you don't change your ways, I will rise up and break the backbone of your power, and I will place it in the hands of a nation that doesn't even know my name. Be still and know that I'm God. Men will beat their swords into plowshafts and their spears into pruning hooks, and nations shall not rise up against nations, neither shall they study war anymore.&quot; I don't know about you, I ain't going to study war anymore.

* I have not lost faith. I'm not in despair, because I know that there is a moral order. I haven't lost faith, because '''the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.''' I can still sing &quot;[[w:We Shall Overcome|We Shall Overcome]]&quot; because [[Thomas Carlyle|Carlyle]] was right: &quot;No lie can live forever.&quot; We shall overcome because [[William Cullen Bryant]] was right: &quot;Truth pressed to earth will rise again.&quot; We shall overcome because [[James Russell Lowell]] was right: &quot;Truth forever on the scaffold, wrong forever on the throne.&quot; Yet, that scaffold sways the future. We shall overcome because the [[bible]] is right: &quot;You shall reap what you sow.&quot; '''With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our world into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to speed up the day when justice will roll down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.''' With this faith we will be able to speed up the day when the lion and the lamb will lie down together, and every man will sit under his own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid because the words of the Lord have spoken it. With this faith we will be able to speed up the day when all over the world we will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, &quot;Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!&quot; With this faith, we'll sing it as we're getting ready to sing it now. Men will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. And nations will not rise up against nations, neither shall they study war anymore. And I don't know about you, I ain't gonna study war no more.

==== Address to Local 815, Teamsters and the Allied Trades Council (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.aft.org/yourwork/tools4teachers/bhm/mlktalks.cfm Speaking to shop stewards of Local 815, Teamsters and the Allied Trades Council (2 May 1967)], as quoted in ''Now Is the Time. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Labor in the South: The Case for a Coalition'' (January 1986)&lt;/small&gt; 

* Today Negroes want above all else to abolish poverty in their lives and in the lives of the white poor. This is the heart of their program. '''To end the humiliation was a start, but to end poverty is a bigger task.''' It is natural for Negroes to turn to the labor movement because it was the first and pioneer anti-poverty program....

* Negroes are not the only poor in the nation. There are nearly twice as many white poor as Negro, and therefore the struggle against poverty is not involved solely with color or racial discrimination but with elementary economic justice....

* '''Now most serious thinkers acknowledge that dislocations in the market operation of our economy and the prevalence of discrimination thrust people into idleness and bind them in constant or frequent unemployment against their will. The poor are less often dismissed from our conscience today by being branded as inferior and incompetent. We also know that no matter how dynamically the economy develops and expands, it does not eliminate all poverty.'''

* '''To a degree, we have been attacking the problem by increasing purchasing power through higher wage scales and increased Social Security benefits. But these measures are exercised with restraint and come only as a consequence of organized struggles...Those at the lowest economic level, the poor white, the Negro, the aged, are traditionally unorganized and have little or no ability to force a growth in their consumer potential. They stagnate or become even poorer in relation to the larger society.'''

* With the settlement of many of these early strikes, there was little or nothing added to the pay envelope, little or nothing for job security and a mountain of debts to pay and harsh memories to forget. Yet there was one thing that was won, one thing that was fought for as indispensable, one thing for which all the pain and sacrifice was justified--union recognition. It seemed so miniscule a victory that people outside the labor movement scorned it as in fact just a defeat. But to those who understood, union recognition meant the employer's acknowledgement of that strength, and the two meant the opportunity to fight again for further gains with united and multiplied power. As contract followed contract, the pay envelope fattened and fringe benefits and job rights grew to the mature work standards of today. All of these started with winning first union recognition.

====Why it's extremely disrespectful to tell someone to pull himself up by his own bootstraps (8 May 1967)====
:&lt;small&gt;From an interview filmed in Atlanta by NBC News&lt;/small&gt;
Reporter: What is it about the negro?  And every other group that came as an immigrant, somehow - not easily, but somehow, got around it?  Is it just the fact that negroes are black?

Dr. King: White America must see that '''no other ethnic group has been a slave on American soil.'''  That is one thing that other immigrant groups haven't had to face.  The other thing is that the color became a stigma.  American society made the negro's color a stigma, and that can never be overlooked.  So, I think these things are absolutely necessary. The other thing is that America freed the slaves in 19, I mean, 1863 through the Emancipation Proclamation of Abraham Lincoln, but gave the slaves no land, or nothing in reality as a matter of fact, to get started on.  At the same time, America was giving away millions of acres of land in the west and the midwest, which meant that there was a willingness to give the white peasants from Europe an economic base.  And yet, '''it refused to give its black peasants from Africa, who came here involuntarily, in chains, and had worked free for 244 years, any kind of economic base.'''  And so, emancipation for the negro was really freedom to hunger.  It was freedom to the winds and rains of heaven.  It was freedom without food to eat or land to cultivate, and, therefore, it was freedom and famine at the same time.  And when white Americans tell the negro to lift himself by his own bootstraps, they don't own, they don't look over the legacy of slavery and segregation.  I believe we ought to do all we can and seek to lift ourselves by our own bootstraps.  But '''it's a cruel jest to say to a bootless man that he ought to lift himself by his own bootstraps.'''  And many negros by the thousands and millions have been left bootless as a result of all of these years of oppression and as a result of a society that deliberately made his color a stigma and something worthless and degrading.

==== [[w:Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?|Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?]] (1967) ====
[[File:Benkos Bioho.jpg|thumb|As long as the [[mind]] is enslaved, the body can never be free.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King, Jr. and Lyndon Johnson 2.jpg|thumb|There is [[nothing]] [[wrong]] with [[power]] if power is used correctly.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King memorial during Allt ljus på Uppsala 2008-11-15.jpg|thumb|[[Power]] without [[love]] is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.]]
[[File:MyLai Haeberle P33 BodiesNearBurningHouse.jpg|thumb|[[Darkness]] cannot put out darkness. Only [[light]] can do that.]]
[[File:MLK and Malcolm X USNWR cropped.jpg|thumb|We must massively assert our [[dignity]] and [[worth]]. We must stand up amidst a [[system]] that still oppresses us and develop an unassailable and [[majestic]] sense of [[values]].]]
[[File:Coretta Scott King and Martin Luther King and Robert F. Wagner NYWTS.jpg|thumb|I know that [[love]] is ultimately the only answer to [[mankind]]'s [[problems]]. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go.]]
[[File:RFK and MLK together.jpg|thumb|You may be able to speak with the tongues of men and [[angels]]; you may have the eloquence of articulate speech; but if you have not [[love]], it means nothing.]]
[[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|Let us realize the arc of the [[moral]] [[universe]] is long but it bends toward [[justice]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/where_do_we_go_from_here_delivered_at_the_11th_annual_sclc_convention/ Address to the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (16 August 1967)]&lt;/small&gt;

* In short, over the last ten years the Negro decided to straighten his back up, realizing that '''a man cannot ride your back unless it is bent.'''

* '''Now, in order to answer the question, &quot;Where do we go from here?&quot; which is our theme, we must first honestly recognize where we are now.''' When the Constitution was written, a strange formula to determine taxes and representation declared that the Negro was sixty percent of a person. Today another curious formula seems to declare that he is fifty percent of a person. Of the good things in life, the Negro has approximately one half those of whites. of the bad things of life, he has twice those of whites. Thus half of all Negroes live in substandard housing. And Negroes have half the income of whites. When we view the negative experiences of life, the Negro has a double share. There are twice as many unemployed. The rate of infant mortality among Negroes is double that of whites and there are twice as many Negroes dying in Vietnam as whites in proportion to their size in the population.

* '''This is where we are. Where do we go from here? First, we must massively assert our dignity and worth. We must stand up amidst a system that still oppresses us and develop an unassailable and majestic sense of values.'''

* '''As long as the mind is enslaved, the body can never be free. Psychological freedom, a firm sense of self-esteem, is the most powerful weapon against the long night of physical [[slavery]].''' No [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincolnian]] [[emancipation proclamation]] or [[Andrew Johnson|Johnsonian]] [[w:Civil rights act of 1866|civil rights bill]] can totally bring this kind of freedom. The negro will only be free when he reaches down to the inner depths of his own being and signs with the pen and ink of assertive manhood his own emancipation proclamation. And, with a spirit straining toward true self-esteem, the Negro must boldly throw off the manacles of self-abegnation and say to himself and to the world, &quot;I am somebody. I am a person. I am a man with dignity and honor. I have a rich and noble history, however painful and exploited that history has been. Yes, I was a slave through my foreparents, and now I'm not ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of the people who were so sinful to make me a slave.&quot; Yes, yes, we must stand up and say, &quot;I'm black , but I'm black and beautiful.&quot; This, this self-affirmation is the black man's need, made compelling by the white man's crimes against him.

* We must stand up and say, &quot;I'm black and I'm beautiful,&quot; and this self-affirmation is the black man's need, made compelling by the white man's crimes against him.

* '''Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political and economic change. ... Now a lot of us are preachers, and all of us have our moral convictions and concerns, and so often have problems with power. There is nothing wrong with power if power is used correctly.''' You see, what happened is that some of our philosophers got off base. And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites — polar opposites — so that love is identified with a resignation of power, and power with a denial of love. &lt;br /&gt; It was this misinterpretation that caused [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche]], who was a philosopher of the will to power, to reject the Christian concept of love. It was this same misinterpretation which induced Christian theologians to reject the Nietzschean philosophy of the will to power in the name of the Christian idea of love. Now, we've got to get this thing right. '''What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.''' And this is what we must see as we move on. What has happened is that we have had it wrong and confused in our own country, and this has led Negro Americans in the past to seek their goals through power devoid of love and conscience. &lt;br /&gt; This is leading a few extremists today to advocate for Negroes the same destructive and conscienceless power that they have justly abhorred in whites. It is precisely this collision of immoral power with powerless morality which constitutes the major crisis of our times.

* Today the poor are less often dismissed, I hope, from our consciences by being branded as inferior or incompetent. We also know that no matter how dynamically the economy develops and expands, it does not eliminate all poverty. &lt;br /&gt; The problem indicates that our emphasis must be twofold. We must create full employment or we must create incomes. People must be made consumers by one method or the other. Once they are placed in this position we need to be concerned that the potential of the individual is not wasted. New forms of work that enhance the social good will have to be devised for those for whom traditional jobs are not available.

* A host of positive psychological changes inevitably will result from widespread economic security. The dignity of the individual will flourish when the decisions concerning his life are in his own hands, when he has the means to seek self-improvement. Personal conflicts among husbands, wives and children will diminish when the unjust measurement of human worth on the scale of dollars is eliminated.

* '''We must reaffirm our commitment to nonviolence.''' I want to stress this. The futility of violence in the struggle for racial justice has been tragically etched in all the recent Negro riots. Yesterday, I tried to analyze the riots and deal with their causes. Today I want to give the other side. There is certainly something painfully sad about a riot. One sees screaming youngsters and angry adults fighting hopelessly and aimlessly against impossible odds. And deep down within them, you can see a desire for self-destruction, a kind of suicidal longing. &lt;br /&gt; Occasionally Negroes contend that the 1965 Watts riot and the other riots in various cities represented effective civil rights action. But those who express this view always end up with stumbling words when asked what concrete gains have been won as a result. At best, the riots have produced a little additional anti-poverty money allotted by frightened government officials and a few water sprinklers to cool the children of the ghettos. It is something like improving the food in the prison while the people remain securely incarcerated behind bars.

* '''Nowhere have the riots won any concrete improvement such as have the organized protest demonstrations. When one tries to pin down advocates of violence as to what acts would be effective, the answers are blatantly illogical.''' Sometimes they talk of overthrowing racist state and local governments and they talk about guerrilla warfare. They fail to see that '''no internal revolution has ever succeeded in overthrowing a government by violence unless the government had already lost the allegiance and effective control of its armed forces.''' Anyone in his right mind knows that this will not happen in the United States. '''Furthermore, few, if any, violent revolutions have been successful unless the violent minority had the sympathy and support of the non-resisting majority.'''

* It is perfectly clear that a violent revolution on the part of American blacks would find no sympathy and support from the white population and very little from the majority of Negroes themselves. This is no time for romantic illusions and empty philosophical debates about freedom. This is a time for action. What is needed is a strategy for change, a tactical program that will bring the Negro into the mainstream of American life as quickly as possible. So far, this has only been offered by the nonviolent movement. Without recognizing this we will end up with solutions that don't solve, answers that don't answer and explanations that don't explain.

* '''I say to you today that I still stand by nonviolence.''' And I am still convinced that it is the most potent weapon available to the Negro in his struggle for justice in this country. And the other thing is that I am concerned about a better world.''' I'm concerned about justice. I'm concerned about brotherhood. I'm concerned about truth. And when one is concerned about these, he can never advocate violence. For through violence you may murder a murderer but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that.'''

* '''I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go.''' I know it isn't popular to talk about it in some circles today. I'm not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love, I'm talking about a strong, demanding love. And I have seen too much hate. I've seen too much hate on the faces of sheriffs in the South. I've seen hate on the faces of too many Klansmen and too many White Citizens Councilors in the South to want to hate myself, because every time I see it, I know that it does something to their faces and their personalities and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. '''I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love. And the beautiful thing is that we are moving against wrong when we do it, because John was right, God is love. He who hates does not know God, but he who has love has the key that unlocks the door to the meaning of ultimate reality.'''

* And so I say to you today, my friends, that '''you may be able to speak with the tongues of men and angels; you may have the eloquence of articulate speech; but if you have not love, it means nothing. Yes, you may have the gift of prophecy; you may have the gift of scientific prediction and understand the behavior of molecules; you may break into the storehouse of nature and bring forth many new insights; yes, you may ascend to the heights of academic achievement so that you have all knowledge; and you may boast of your great institutions of learning and the boundless extent of your degrees; but if you have not love, all of these mean absolutely nothing. You may even give your goods to feed the poor; you may bestow great gifts to charity; and you may tower high in philanthropy; but if you have not love, your charity means nothing. You may even give your body to be burned and die the death of a martyr, and your spilt blood may be a symbol of honor for generations yet unborn, and thousands may praise you as one of history's greatest heroes; but if you have not love, your blood was spilt in vain.''' What I'm trying to get you to see this morning is that a man may be self-centered in his self-denial and self-righteous in his self-sacrifice. His generosity may feed his ego, and his piety may feed his pride. So '''without love, benevolence becomes egotism, and martyrdom becomes spiritual pride.'''

* '''Communism forgets that life is individual. Capitalism forgets that life is social, and the kingdom of brotherhood is found neither in the thesis of communism nor the antithesis of capitalism but in a higher synthesis. It is found in a higher synthesis that combines the truths of both.''' Now, when I say question the whole society, it means ultimately coming to see that the problem of racism, the problem of exploitation, and the problem of war are all tied together. These are the triple evils that are interrelated.

* What I'm saying today is that we must go from this convention and say, &quot;America, you must be born again!&quot; And so, I conclude by saying today that we have a task, and let us go out with a divine dissatisfaction.

*Let us be dissatisfied until America will no longer have a high blood pressure of creeds and an anemia of deeds.
** '''Let us be dissatisfied until the tragic walls that separate the outer city of wealth and comfort from the inner city of poverty and despair shall be crushed by the battering rams of the forces of justice.''' 
** '''Let us be dissatisfied until those who live on the outskirts of hope are brought into the metropolis of daily security.'''
** Let us be dissatisfied until slums are cast into the junk heaps of history, and every family will live in a decent, sanitary home.
** Let us be dissatisfied until the dark yesterdays of segregated schools will be transformed into bright tomorrows of quality integrated education.
** Let us be dissatisfied until integration is not seen as a problem but as an opportunity to participate in the beauty of diversity.
** '''Let us be dissatisfied until men and women, however black they may be, will be judged on the basis of the content of their character, not on the basis of the color of their skin.''' Let us be dissatisfied.
** Let us be dissatisfied until every state capitol will be housed by a governor who will do justly, who will love mercy, and who will walk humbly with his God.
** '''Let us be dissatisfied until from every city hall, justice will roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.''' Let us be dissatisfied until that day when the lion and the lamb shall lie down together, and every man will sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid. '''Let us be dissatisfied.''' And men will recognize that out of one blood God made all men to dwell upon the face of the earth. '''Let us be dissatisfied until that day when nobody will shout &quot;White Power!&quot; — when nobody will shout &quot;Black Power!&quot; — but everybody will talk about God's power and human power.'''

* '''I must confess, my friends, the road ahead will not always be smooth.''' There will be still rocky places of frustration and meandering points of bewilderment. There will be inevitable setbacks here and there. There will be those moments when the buoyancy of hope will be transformed into the fatigue of despair. '''Our dreams will sometimes be shattered and our ethereal hopes blasted.''' We may again with tear-drenched eyes have to stand before the bier of some courageous civil rights worker whose life will be snuffed out by the dastardly acts of bloodthirsty mobs. Difficult and painful as it is, we must walk on in the days ahead with an audacious faith in the future. ... '''When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the [[moral]] [[universe]] is long but it bends toward [[justice]].'''
** King's often repeated expression that &quot;The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice&quot; was his own succinct summation of sentiments echoing those of [[Theodore Parker]], who, in &quot;Of Justice and the Conscience&quot; (1853) asserted: &quot;I do not pretend to understand the moral universe; the arc is a long one, my eye reaches but little ways; I cannot calculate the curve and complete the figure by the experience of sight; I can divine it by conscience. And from what I see I am sure it bends towards justice.&quot;

==== Why Jesus Called A Man A Fool (1967) ====
[[File:Tetragrammaton at RomanCatholic Church Saint-Germain Paris France.JPG|thumb|Any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and is not concerned about the slums that cripple the souls — the economic conditions that stagnate the soul and the city governments that may damn the soul — is a dry, dead, do-nothing religion in need of new blood.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_why_jesus_called_a_man_a_fool/ Delivered at Mount Pisgah Missionary Baptist Church, Chicago, Illinois] (27 August 1967) &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Before I was a civil rights leader, I was a preacher of the [[Gospel]]. This was my first calling and it still remains my greatest commitment. You know, actually all that I do in civil rights I do because I consider it a part of my ministry.'''' I have no other ambitions in life but to achieve excellence in the Christian ministry. I don't plan to run for any political office. '''I don't plan to do anything but remain a preacher. And what I'm doing in this struggle, along with many others, grows out of my feeling that the preacher must be concerned about the whole man.'''

* '''And any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and is not concerned about the slums that cripple the souls — the economic conditions that stagnate the soul and the city governments that may damn the soul — is a dry, dead, do-nothing religion in need of new blood.''' 

* You see, each of us lives in two realms, the within and the without. Now the within of our lives is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, religion, and morality. The without of our lives is that complex of devices, of mechanisms and instrumentalities by means of which we live. The house we live in — that's a part of the means by which we live. The car we drive, the clothes we wear, the money that we are able to accumulate — in short, the physical stuff that's necessary for us to exist. Now the problem is that we must always keep a line of demarcation between the two. This man was a fool because he didn't do that. [...] Somehow in life we must know that we must seek first the kingdom of God, and then all of those other things — clothes, houses, cars — will be added unto us. But the problem is all too many people fail to put first things first. They don't keep a sharp line of demarcation between the things of life and the ends of life.

* This man talked like he could build the barns by himself, like he could till the soil by himself. And he failed to realize that '''wealth is always a result of the commonwealth.'''

* I don't want you to forget it. No matter where you are today, somebody helped you to get there. (Yes) It may have been an ordinary person, doing an ordinary job in an extraordinary way. Some few are able to get some education; you didn't get it by yourself. Don't forget those who helped you come over.

* This man was a fool because he failed to realize his dependence on God... this man-centered foolishness is still alive today. In fact, it has gotten to the point today that some are even saying that ''God is dead''. The thing that bothers me about it is that they didn't give me full information, because at least I would have wanted to attend God's funeral. And today I want to ask, who was the coroner that pronounced Him dead? I want to raise a question, how long had He been sick? I want to know whether He had a heart attack or died of chronic cancer. These questions haven't been answered for me, and '''I'm going on believing and knowing that God is alive. You see, as long as love is around, God is alive. As long as justice is around, God is alive.''' There are certain conceptions of God that needed to die, but not God. You see, '''God is the supreme noun of life; He's not an adjective. He is the supreme subject of life; He's not a verb. He's the supreme independent clause; He's not a dependent clause. Everything else is dependent on Him, but He is dependent on nothing.'''

* God is life supreme. Now God, the power that holds the universe in the palm of his hand, is the only being that can say, &quot;''I Am'',&quot; and put a period there and never look back. And don't be foolish enough to forget Him.

*I tell you this morning, my friends, there's no way to get rid of Him. And all of our new knowledge will not diminish God's being one iota. Neither the microcosmic compass of the atom nor the vast interstellar ranges of interstellar space can make God irrelevant for living in a universe, where stellar distance must be measured in light years, where stars are five hundred million million miles from the earth, where heavenly bodies travel at incredible speeds. Modern man still has to cry out with the Psalmist, &quot;When I behold the heavens, the work of thy hands and all that thou hast created; what is man, that thou is mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou hast remembered him?&quot;

* God is still around. One day, you're going to need him. The problems of life will begin to overwhelm you; disappointments will begin to beat upon the door of your life like a tidal wave. And if you don't have a deep and patient faith, you aren't going to be able to make it. I know this from my own experience.

* I had grown up in the church, and the church meant something very real to me, but it was a kind of inherited religion and I had never felt an experience with God in the way that you must have it if you're going to walk the lonely paths of this life.

* I never will forget one night very late. It was around midnight... the telephone started ringing and I picked it up. On the other end was an ugly voice. That voice said to me, in substance, &quot;Nigger, we are tired of you and your mess now. And if you aren't out of this town in three days, we're going to blow your brains out and blow up your house.&quot; I'd heard these things before, but for some reason that night it got to me.

* I discovered then that religion had to become real to me and I had to know God for myself. And I bowed down over that cup of coffee — I never will forget it. And oh yes, I prayed a prayer and I prayed out loud that night. I said, &quot;Lord, I'm down here trying to do what's right. I think I'm right; I think the cause that we represent is right. But Lord, I must confess that I'm weak now; I'm faltering; I'm losing my courage. And I can't let the people see me like this because if they see me weak and losing my courage, they will begin to get weak.&quot; I wanted tomorrow morning to be able to go before the executive board with a smile on my face. And it seemed at that moment that I could hear an inner voice saying to me, &quot;Martin Luther, stand up for righteousness, stand up for justice, stand up for truth. And lo I will be with you, even until the end of the world.&quot; And I'll tell you, I've seen the lightning flash. I've heard the thunder roll. I felt sin-breakers dashing, trying to conquer my soul. But I heard the voice of [[Jesus]] saying still to fight on. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone. No, never alone. No, never alone. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone.

* And I'm going on in believing in Him. You'd better know Him, and know His name, and know how to call His name. You may not know philosophy. You may not be able to say with [[Alfred North Whitehead]] that He's the Principle of Concretion. You may not be able to say with [[Hegel]] and [[Spinoza]] that He is the Absolute Whole. You may not be able to say with [[Plato]] that He's the Architectonic Good. You may not be able to say with [[Aristotle]] that He's the Unmoved Mover. But sometimes you can get poetic about it if you know Him. You begin to know that our brothers and sisters in distant days were right. Because they did know Him as a rock in a weary land, as a shelter in the time of starving, as my water when I'm thirsty, and then my bread in a starving land. And then if you can't even say that, sometimes you may have to say, &quot;He's my everything. He's my sister and my brother. He's my mother and my father.&quot; If you believe it and know it, you never need walk in darkness. Don't be a fool. Recognize your dependence on God. As the days become dark and the nights become dreary, realize that there is a God who rules above. And so I'm not worried about tomorrow. I get weary every now and then. The future looks difficult and dim, but I'm not worried about it ultimately because I have faith in God.

* '''I don't mind telling you this morning that sometimes I feel discouraged. I felt discouraged in Chicago. As I move through Mississippi and Georgia and Alabama, I feel discouraged. Living every day under the threat of death, I feel discouraged sometimes. Living every day under extensive criticisms, even from Negroes, I feel discouraged sometimes.''' Yes, sometimes I feel discouraged and feel my work's in vain. '''But then the [[Holy Spirit]] revives my soul again.'''

==== The Role of the Behavioral Scientist in the Civil Rights Movement (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.apa.org/monitor/features/king-challenge.aspx Address at the American Psychological Association's 1967 Annual Convention in Washington, D.C.] (September 1967)&lt;/small&gt;

* All too many white Americans are horrified not with conditions of Negro life but with the product of these conditions-the Negro himself.

* When the majority of the country could not live with the extremes of brutality they witnessed, political remedies were enacted and customs were altered. / These partial advances were, however, limited principally to the South and progress did not automatically spread throughout the nation. There was also little depth to the changes. White America stopped murder, but that is not the same thing as ordaining brotherhood; nor is the ending of lynch rule the same thing as inaugurating justice.

* Negroes could contain their rage when they found the means to force relatively radical changes in their environment. / In the North, on the other hand, street demonstrations were not even a mild expression of militancy. The turmoil of cities absorbs demonstrations as merely transitory drama which is ordinary in city life. Without a more effective tactic for upsetting the status quo, the power structure could maintain its intransigence and hostility.

* A profound judgment of today's riots was expressed by [[Victor Hugo]] a century ago. He said, 'If a soul is left in the darkness, sins will be committed. The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but he who causes the darkness.' / The policymakers of the white society have caused the darkness; they create discrimination; they structured slums; and they perpetuate unemployment, ignorance and poverty. '''It is incontestable and deplorable that Negroes have committed crimes; but they are derivative crimes. They are born of the greater crimes of the white society.''' When we ask Negroes to abide by the law, let us also demand that the white man abide by law in the ghettos.

* The slums are the handiwork of a vicious system of the white society; Negroes live in them but do not make them any more than a prisoner makes a prison.

* The problem is deep. It is gigantic in extent, and chaotic in detail. And I do not believe that it will be solved until there is a kind of cosmic discontent enlarging in the bosoms of people of good will all over this nation.

==== The Trumpet of Conscience (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt;Steeler Lecture, Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama, 17 November 1957&lt;/small&gt;
* '''In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.'''

==== A Christmas Sermon (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.ecoflourish.com/Primers/education/Christmas_Sermon.html Sermon at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia] (24 December 1967)] · [http://www.thekingcenter.org/archive/document/christmas-sermon King Center archives document]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Everyman is somebody because he is a child of God. And so when we say ''[[w:Thou shalt not kill|Thou shalt not kill]]'', we're really saying that human life is too sacred to be taken on the battlefields of the world. Man is more than a tiny vagary of whirling [[w:electrons|electrons]] or a wisp of smoke from a limitless smoldering. Man is a child of God, [[w:image of God|made in His image]], and therefore must be respected as such. Until men see this everywhere, until nations see this everywhere, we will be fighting wars. One day somebody should remind us that, even though there may be political and ideological differences between us, the [[Vietnam]]ese are our brothers, the [[Russia]]ns are our brothers, the [[China|Chinese]] are our brothers; and one day we've got to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. But in [[Christ]] there is neither [[Jew]] nor Gentile. In Christ there is neither [[male]] nor [[female]]. In Christ there is neither [[Communism|Communist]] nor [[Capitalism|Capitalist]]. In Christ, somehow, there is neither bound nor free. We are all one in Christ [[Jesus]]. And when we truly believe in the sacredness of human personality, we won't exploit people, we won't trample over people with the iron feet of oppression, we won't kill anybody.'''

* '''[[Christ]] came to show us the way. Men love darkness rather than the light, and they crucified Him, and there on Good Friday on the Cross it was still dark, bu the Easter came, and Easter is an eternal reminder of the fat that the truth-crushed [to] earth will rise again.&quot;

* '''We must either learn to live together as brothers or we are all going to perish together as fools.'''

==== The Drum Major Instinct (1968) ====
[[File:Barye - Thésée Minotaure.png|thumb|True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness.]]
[[File:Londres The ten Christian Martyrs in Westminster Abbey (4988191958).jpg|thumb|We all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade. ... And the great issue of life is to harness the drum major instinct. It is a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it.]]
[[File:Vitro buckfast.jpg|thumb|If you want to be important — wonderful. If you want to be recognized — wonderful. If you want to be great — wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That's a new definition of greatness. And [...] by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. [...] You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. And you can be that servant.]]
[[File:Martin_Luther_King_Jr_Coretta_Scott_King_Tomb.jpg|thumb|'I'd like somebody to mention that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others. I'd like for somebody to say that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody. I want you to say that day, that I tried to be right on the [[w:Vietnam War|war question]]. I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry. I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked. I want you to say, on that day, that I did try, in my life, to visit those who were in prison. I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.]]
[[File:Garment workers listen to funeral service for MLK on portable radio April 8 1968.jpg|thumb|If you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. ... I just want to leave a committed life behind. And that's all I want to say.]]

:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_the_drum_major_instinct/ Sermon at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia] (4 February 1968) King's &quot;Drum Major Instinct&quot; sermon was an adaptation of the 1952 homily ''Drum-Major Instincts'' by J. Wallace Hamilton, a well-known, liberal, white Methodist preacher. King encouraged his congregation to seek greatness, but to do so through service and love. King concluded the sermon by imagining his own funeral, downplaying his famous achievements and emphasizing his heart to do right.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''And there is deep down within all of us an instinct. It's a kind of drum major instinct — a desire to be out front, a desire to lead the parade, a desire to be first. And it is something that runs the whole gamut of life.'''

* '''We all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade. ... And the great issue of life is to harness the drum major instinct. It is a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it. Don't give it up. Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be the first in love. I want you to be the first in moral excellence. I want you to be the first in generosity.'''

* '''We like to do something good. And you know, we like to be praised for it.''' Now if you don't believe that, you just go on living life, and you will discover very soon that you like to be praised. Everybody likes it, as a matter of fact. And '''somehow this warm glow we feel when we are praised''' or when our name is in print '''is something of the vitamin A to our ego. Nobody is unhappy when they are praised, even if they know they don't deserve it and even if they don't believe it. The only unhappy people about praise is when that praise is going too much toward somebody else. But everybody likes to be praised because of this real drum major instinct.'''

* [...] '''the drum major instinct''' is real. And you know what else it causes to happen? It '''often causes us to live above our means.'''

* '''There comes a time that the drum major instinct can become destructive.''' And that's where I want to move now. '''I want to move to the point of saying that if this instinct is not harnessed, it becomes a very dangerous, pernicious instinct. For instance, if it isn't harnessed, it causes one's personality to become distorted. I guess that's the most damaging aspect of it: what it does to the personality. If it isn't harnessed, you will end up day in and day out trying to deal with your ego problem by boasting.''' Have you ever heard '''people''' that — you know, and I'm sure you've met them — that really '''become sickening because they just sit up all the time talking about themselves. And they just boast and boast and boast, and that's the person who has not harnessed the drum major instinct. And then it does other things to the personality. It causes you to lie about who you know sometimes. There are some people who are influence peddlers. And in their attempt to deal with the drum major instinct, they have to try to identify with the so-called big-name people. And if you're not careful, they will make you think they know somebody that they don't really know. They know them well, they sip tea with them, and they this-and-that. That happens to people.'''

* '''And the other thing is that it causes one to engage ultimately in activities that are merely used to get attention. Criminologists tell us that some people are driven to crime because of this drum major instinct. They don't feel that they are getting enough attention through the normal channels of social behavior, and so they turn to anti-social behavior in order to get attention, in order to feel important. And so they get that gun, and before they know it they robbed a bank in a quest for recognition, in a quest for importance.'''

* '''And then the final great tragedy of the distorted personality is the fact that when one fails to harness this instinct, he ends up trying to push others down in order to push himself up. And whenever you do that, you engage in some of the most vicious activities. You will spread evil, vicious, lying gossip on people, because you are trying to pull them down in order to push yourself up. And the great issue of life is to harness the drum major instinct.'''

* The drum major instinct can lead to exclusivism in one's thinking and can lead one to feel that because he has some training, he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. Or because he has some economic security, that he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. And that's the uncontrolled, perverted use of the drum major instinct.

* '''True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness.'''

* And so Jesus gave us a new norm of greatness. '''If you want to be important — wonderful. If you want to be recognized — wonderful. If you want to be great — wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That's a new definition of greatness.''' And this morning, the thing that I like about it: '''by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great,''' (Everybody) '''because everybody can serve.''' You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about [[Plato]] and [[Aristotle]] to serve. You don't have to know [[Einstein]]'s theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. '''You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. And you can be that servant.'''

* I know a man — and I just want to talk about him a minute, and maybe you will discover who I'm talking about as I go down the way because he was a [[great]] one. And he just went about serving. He was born in an obscure village, the child of a poor peasant woman. And then he grew up in still another obscure village, where he worked as a carpenter until he was thirty years old. Then for three years, he just got on his feet, and he was an itinerant preacher. And he went about doing some things. He didn't have much. He never wrote a [[book]]. He never held an office. He never had a family. He never owned a house. He never went to college. He never visited a big city. He never went two hundred miles from where he was born. He did none of the usual things that the world would associate with greatness. '''He had no credentials but himself.'''

* '''He was only thirty-three when the tide of public opinion turned against him. They called him a rabble-rouser. They called him a troublemaker. They said he was an agitator. He practiced civil disobedience; he broke injunctions. And so he was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. And the [[irony]] of it all is that his friends turned him over to them. One of his closest friends denied him. Another of his friends turned him over to his enemies. And while he was dying, the people who killed him gambled for his clothing, the only possession that he had in the world. When he was dead he was buried in a borrowed tomb, through the pity of a friend.

* '''Nineteen centuries have come and gone and today he stands as the most influential figure that ever entered human history.''' All of the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, and all the kings that ever reigned put together have not affected the life of man on this earth as much as that one solitary life. His name may be a familiar one. But today I can hear them talking about him. Every now and then somebody says, &quot;He's King of Kings.&quot; And again I can hear somebody saying, &quot;He's Lord of Lords.&quot; Somewhere else I can hear somebody saying, &quot;In Christ there is no East nor West.&quot; And then they go on and talk about, &quot;In Him there's no North and South, but one great Fellowship of Love throughout the whole wide world.&quot; '''He didn't have anything. He just went around serving and doing [[good]].'''

* This morning, you can be on his right hand and his left hand if you serve. It's the only way in.

* Every now and then I guess we all think realistically about that day when we will be victimized with what is life's final common denominator — that something we call [[death]]. We all think about it. And '''every now and then I think about my own death, and I think about my own funeral.''' And I don't think of it in a morbid sense. '''Every now and then I ask myself, &quot;What is it that I would want said?&quot;''' And I leave the word to you this morning. &lt;br /&gt; If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don't want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long. Every now and then I wonder what I want them to say. Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize, that isn't important. Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards, that's not important. Tell him not to mention where I went to school. &lt;br /&gt; '''I'd like somebody to mention that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others. I'd like for somebody to say that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody. I want you to say that day, that I tried to be right on the [[w:Vietnam War|war question]]. I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry. I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked. I want you to say, on that day, that I did try, in my life, to visit those who were in prison. I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity. &lt;br /&gt; Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. I won't have any money to leave behind. I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind. And that's all I want to say.'''
** Paraphrased on the Stone of Hope in the [[w:Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial|Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial]] in Washington, DC as &quot;I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness.&quot; (Rachel Manteuffel, [http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/martin-luther-king-a-drum-major-if-you-say-so/2011/08/25/gIQAmmUkeJ_story.html &quot;Martin Luther King a drum major? If you say so.&quot;] ''The Washington Post'', 25 August 2011) The monument plans used a correct and contextualized quote, but the lead architect and the sculptor altered it to use fewer words for visual appearance. (Rachel Manteuffel, [http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/mlk-memorials-drum-major-quote-will-be-corrected-interior-secretary-says/2012/01/13/gIQAnjYvwP_story.html &quot;Correcting the Martin Luther King memorial mistake&quot;,] ''The Washington Post'', 13 January 2012)

* Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

==== ''The Other America'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gphistorical.org/mlk/mlkspeech/index.htm Speech at Grosse Pointe High School] (March 14, 1968)&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm absolutely convinced that a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt. And I feel that we must always work with an effective, powerful weapon and method that brings about tangible results. But it is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And '''I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard.''' And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice and humanity.

* '''I happen to be a pacifist but if I had had to make a decision about fighting a war against Hitler, I may have temporarily given up my pacifism and taken up arms.''' But nobody is to compare what is happening in Viet Nam today with that. I'm convinced that it is clearly an unjust war and it's doing so many things - not only on the domestic scene, it is carrying the whole world closer to nuclear annihilation.

==== I've Been to the Mountaintop (1968) ====
[[File:The Sun Studio at Night.jpg|thumb|Something is happening in Memphis, something is happening in our [[world]]. ... [[Trouble]] is in the [[land]]. Confusion all around. That's a [[strange]] statement. But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the [[stars]].]]
[[File:MLK Bust Capitol.jpg|thumb|When [[people]] get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory.]]
[[File:Martin Luther King memorial Westminster Abbey.jpg|thumb|Be concerned about your brother. You may not be on strike. But either we go up together, or we go down together.]]
[[File:Genius Bar, SoHo Apple Store, September 2003.jpg|thumb|All we say to [[America]] is, &quot;Be true to what you said on paper.&quot;]]
[[File:Martin_Luther_King_Jr_Coretta_Scott_King_Tomb.jpg|thumb|Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness.]]
[[File:MLK Memorial dedication.jpg|thumb|Let us move on in these powerful days, these days of challenge to make America what it ought to be. We have an opportunity to make America a better nation.]]
[[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. ... And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/ive_been_to_the_mountaintop/ Speech delivered at Bishop Charles Mason Temple in Memphis, Tennessee] (3 April 1968)&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I'm delighted to see each of you here tonight in spite of a storm warning. You reveal that you are determined to go on anyhow. Something is happening in Memphis, something is happening in our world.'''

* As you know, if I were standing at the beginning of [[time]], with the possibility of general and panoramic view of the whole [[human]] [[history]] up to now, and the Almighty said to me, &quot;Martin Luther King, which age would you like to live in?&quot; — I would take my mental flight by Egypt through, or rather across the Red Sea, through the wilderness on toward the promised land. And in spite of its magnificence, I wouldn't stop there. I would move on by Greece, and take my mind to Mount Olympus. And I would see [[Plato]], [[Aristotle]], [[Socrates]], [[Euripides]] and [[Aristophanes]] assembled around the Parthenon as they discussed the great and eternal issues of reality. &lt;br /&gt; But I wouldn't stop there. I would go on, even to the great heyday of the Roman Empire. And I would see developments around there, through various emperors and leaders. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even come up to the day of the Renaissance, and get a quick picture of all that the Renaissance did for the cultural and esthetic life of man. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even go by the way that the man for whom I'm named had his habitat. And I would watch [[Martin Luther]] as he tacked his ninety-five theses on the door at the church in Wittenberg. &lt;br /&gt; But I wouldn't stop there. I would come on up even to 1863, and watch a vacillating president by the name of [[Abraham Lincoln]] finally come to the conclusion that he had to sign the Emancipation Proclamation. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even come up the early thirties, and see a man grappling with the problems of the bankruptcy of his nation. And come with an eloquent cry that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. &lt;br /&gt; But I wouldn't stop there. Strangely enough, I would turn to the Almighty, and say, &quot;If you allow me to live just a few years in the second half of the twentieth century, I will be happy.&quot; Now that's a strange statement to make, because the world is all messed up. The nation is sick. '''Trouble is in the land. Confusion all around. That's a strange statement. But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the [[stars]]. And I see [[God]] working in this period of the twentieth century in a way that men, in some strange way, are responding — something is happening in our [[world]].''' The masses of people are rising up. And wherever they are assembled today, whether they are in Johannesburg, South Africa; Nairobi, Kenya: Accra, Ghana; New York City; Atlanta, Georgia; Jackson, Mississippi; or Memphis, Tennessee — the cry is always the same — &quot;We want to be free.&quot;

* Another reason that I'm happy to live in this period is that we have been forced to a point where we're going to have to grapple with the problems that men have been trying to grapple with through history, but the demands didn't force them to do it. Survival demands that we grapple with them. Men, for years now, have been talking about war and peace. But now, no longer can they just talk about it. '''It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in this world; it's nonviolence or nonexistence.'''

* We aren't engaged in any negative protest and in any negative arguments with anybody. We are saying that we are determined to be men. We are determined to be people. We are saying that we are God's children. And that we don't have to live like we are forced to live.

* We've got to stay together and maintain unity. You know, whenever Pharaoh wanted to prolong the period of slavery in Egypt, he had a favorite, favorite formula for doing it. What was that? He kept the slaves fighting among themselves. But whenever the slaves get together, something happens in Pharaoh's court, and he cannot hold the slaves in slavery. When the slaves get together, that's the beginning of getting out of slavery. Now let us maintain unity.

* '''When people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory.'''

* We aren't going to let any mace stop us. We are masters in our nonviolent movement in disarming police forces; they don't know what to do.

* '''All we say to America is, &quot;Be true to what you said on paper.&quot;''' If I lived in [[China]] or even [[Russia]], or any totalitarian country, maybe I could understand the denial of certain basic First Amendment privileges, because they hadn't committed themselves to that over there. But somewhere I read of the freedom of assembly. Somewhere I read of the freedom of speech. Somewhere I read of the freedom of the press. Somewhere I read that the greatness of America is the right to protest for right. And so just as I say, we aren't going to let any injunction turn us around. We are going on.

* It's all right to talk about &quot;long white robes over yonder,&quot; in all of its symbolism. But ultimately people want some suits and dresses and shoes to wear down here. It's all right to talk about &quot;streets flowing with milk and honey,&quot; but God has commanded us to be concerned about the slums down here, and his children who can't eat three square meals a day. It's all right to talk about the new Jerusalem, but one day, God's preacher must talk about the New York, the new Atlanta, the new Philadelphia, the new Los Angeles, the new Memphis, Tennessee. This is what we have to do.

* Now, we are poor people, individually, we are poor when you compare us with white society in America. We are poor. Never stop and forget that collectively, that means all of us together, collectively we are richer than all the nations in the world, with the exception of nine. Did you ever think about that? After you leave the United States, Soviet Russia, Great Britain, West Germany, France, and I could name the others, the Negro collectively is richer than most nations of the world. We have an annual income of more than thirty billion dollars a year, which is more than all of the exports of the United States, and more than the national budget of Canada. Did you know that? That's power right there, if we know how to pool it. &lt;br /&gt; We don't have to argue with anybody. We don't have to curse and go around acting bad with our words. We don't need any bricks and bottles, we don't need any Molotov cocktails, we just need to go around to these stores, and to these massive industries in our country, and say, &quot;God sent us by here, to say to you that you're not treating his children right. And we've come by here to ask you to make the first item on your agenda — fair treatment, where God's children are concerned. Now, if you are not prepared to do that, we do have an agenda that we must follow. And our agenda calls for withdrawing economic support from you.&quot;

* '''Be concerned about your brother. You may not be on strike. But either we go up together, or we go down together.'''

* '''Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness.''' One day a man came to [[Jesus]]; and he wanted to raise some questions about some vital matters in life. At points, he wanted to trick Jesus, and show him that he knew a little more than Jesus knew, and through this, throw him off base. Now that question could have easily ended up in a philosophical and theological debate. But Jesus immediately pulled that question from mid-air, and placed it on a dangerous curve between Jerusalem and Jericho. And he talked about a certain man, who fell among thieves. You remember that a Levite and a priest passed by on the other side. They didn't stop to help him. And finally a man of another race came by. He got down from his beast, decided not to be compassionate by proxy. But with him, administered first aid, and helped the man in need. Jesus ended up saying, this was the good man, because he had the capacity to project the &quot;I&quot; into the &quot;thou,&quot; and to be concerned about his brother.

* I remember when Mrs. King and I were first in Jerusalem. We rented a car and drove from Jerusalem down to Jericho. And as soon as we got on that road, I said to my wife, &quot;I can see why Jesus used this as a setting for his parable.&quot; It's a winding, meandering road. It's really conducive for ambushing. You start out in Jerusalem, which is about 1200 miles, or rather 1200 feet above sea level. And by the time you get down to Jericho, fifteen or twenty minutes later, you're about 2200 feet below sea level. That's a dangerous road. In the day of Jesus it came to be known as the &quot;Bloody Pass.&quot; And you know, it's possible that the priest and the Levite looked over that man on the ground and wondered if the robbers were still around. Or it's possible that they felt that the man on the ground was merely faking. And he was acting like he had been robbed and hurt, in order to seize them over there, lure them there for quick and easy seizure. And so the first question that the Levite asked was, &quot;If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?&quot; But then the [[w:Parable of the Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]] came by. And he reversed the question: &quot;If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?&quot;.

* '''Let us rise up tonight with a greater readiness. Let us stand with a greater determination. And let us move on in these powerful days, these days of challenge to make America what it ought to be. We have an opportunity to make America a better nation.''' And I want to thank God, once more, for allowing me to be here with you.

* You know, several years ago, I was in New York City autographing the first book that I had written. And while sitting there autographing books, a demented black woman came up. The only question I heard from her was, &quot;Are you Martin Luther King?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And I was looking down writing, and I said yes. And the next minute I felt something beating on my chest. Before I knew it I had been stabbed by this demented woman. I was rushed to Harlem Hospital. It was a dark Saturday afternoon. And that blade had gone through, and the X-rays revealed that the tip of the blade was on the edge of my aorta, the main artery. And once that's punctured, you drown in your own blood — that's the end of you. &lt;br /&gt; It came out in the ''New York Times'' the next morning, that if I had sneezed, I would have died. Well, about four days later, they allowed me, after the operation, after my chest had been opened, and the blade had been taken out, to move around in the wheel chair in the hospital. They allowed me to read some of the mail that came in, and from all over the states, and the world, kind letters came in. I read a few, but one of them I will never forget. I had received one from the President and the Vice-President. I've forgotten what those telegrams said. I'd received a visit and a letter from the Governor of New York, but I've forgotten what the letter said. But there was another letter that came from a little girl, a young girl who was a student at the White Plains High School. And I looked at that letter, and I'll never forget it. It said simply, &quot;Dear Dr. King: I am a ninth-grade student at the Whites Plains High School.&quot; She said, &quot;While it should not matter, I would like to mention that I am a white girl. I read in the paper of your misfortune, and of your suffering. And I read that if you had sneezed, you would have died. And I'm simply writing you to say that I'm so happy that you didn't sneeze.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And I want to say tonight, I want to say that I am happy that I didn't sneeze.

* If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been around in 1962, when Negroes in Albany, Georgia, decided to straighten their backs up. And whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it is bent. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been here in 1963, when the black people of Birmingham, Alabama, aroused the conscience of this nation, and brought into being the Civil Rights Bill. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have had a chance later that year, in August, to try to tell America about a dream that I had had. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been down in Selma, Alabama, to see the great movement there. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been in Memphis to see a community rally around those brothers and sisters who are suffering. I'm so happy that I didn't sneeze.

* '''Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop.''' And I don't mind. '''Like any man, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land.''' And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. '''Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.'''

{{disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
[[File:Mlk quote.jpg|thumb|&quot;Justice runs down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream&quot; on the Civil Rights Monument in Montgomery, Alabama; most of this quotation actually comes from Amos 5:24, which King himself had quoted.]]

* '''When people criticize Zionists, they mean Jews, You are talking anti-Semitism!'''
** In a discussion at the home of [[w:Marty Peretz|Marty Peretz]] in Cambridge, Massachusetts (27 October 1967), as quoted in ''The Socialism of Fools : The Left, the Jews and Israel'' by [[w:Seymour Martin Lipset|Seymour Martin Lipset]] in ''[[w:Encounter (magazine)|Encounter]]'' magazine (December 1969), p. 24; in the anecdotal recounting of the incident Lipset writes: 
:: One of the young men present happened to make some remark against the Zionists. Dr. King snapped at him and said, &quot;'''Don't talk like that! When people criticize Zionists, they mean Jews. You're talking anti-Semitism!'''&quot;
:The accuracy and authenticity of this quote was disputed at [http://www.counterpunch.org/kiblawi01172004.html &quot;The Use and Abuse of Martin Luther King Jr. by Israel's Apologists&quot; by Fadi Kiblawi and Will Youmans at ''Counterpunch'' (17 January 2004)] and there is also said to be a speech attributed to King based on this quote which is a hoax, as well as a report which includes criticism of Wikiquote's labeling of this controversial quotation as &quot;Disputed&quot; in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/douglas-anthony-cooper/martin-luther-king_b_1091950.html &quot;Sorry, Dr. King Did Not Consider You an Enlightened Anti-Zionist. Deal With it.&quot;] by [[w:Douglas Anthony Cooper|Douglas Anthony Cooper]] at ''The Huffington Post'' (18 November 2011). Further corroboration of Lipset's account of such remarks by King has been made in research done by [[w:Martin Kramer|Martin Kramer]] posted in [http://www.martinkramer.org/sandbox/2012/03/in-the-words-of-martin-luther-king &quot;In the words of Martin Luther King...&quot; in his ''Sandbox'' (12 March 2012)]. In this he states that he wrote to [[w:Marty Peretz|Marty Peretz]] &quot;to ask whether the much-quoted exchange did take place at his Cambridge home on that evening almost 45 years ago. His answer:''' 'Absolutely'.'''&quot;

* '''To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing'''
** As quoted by George Sweeting (senior pastor at [[w:Moody Church|Moody Church]] and former President of the [[w:Moody Bible Institute|Moody Bible Institute]]), in ''[http://books.google.es/books?id=3U47r8goSvwC&amp;q=%22To+be+a+Christian+without+prayer+is+no+more+possible+than+to+be+alive+without+breathing%22&amp;dq=%22To+be+a+Christian+without+prayer+is+no+more+possible+than+to+be+alive+without+breathing%22&amp;hl=es&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=zJ47UubGKKasyAHvuoDoCA&amp;ved=0CDgQ6AEwATgK Talking it over]'' (Sep. 1, 1979), p. 88. and ''The Basics of the Christian Life'' (Aug 1, 1983), p. 83. No earlier sources are pointed out.

* '''The old law of an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind.'''
** &quot;An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind&quot; is of indefinite origin, but has been disputably attributed to various figures, including [[Mahatma Gandhi]]. This variant describing it as an &quot;old law&quot; is attributed to King in [http://books.google.com/books?id=irMxJS36904C&amp;redir_esc=y ''The Words of Martin Luther King, Jr.'', (2008)] by [[Coretta Scott King]], Second Edition &lt;!-- ISBN: 1557048150, 9781557048158 --&gt;; it also occurs in the credits of Spike Lee's movie ''Do the Right Thing'' (1989).&lt;!-- 01h52m12s --&gt;

{{Disputed end}}

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==

* Justice runs down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.
** A phrase used in many notable speeches by King, which is actually a quotation of [[w:Book of Amos|Amos]] 5:24 in the [[Bible]].

* Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.
** Protestant Reformation leader [[Martin Luther]] (King's namesake)

* Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.
** [[Martin Luther]]

* Peace and justice are goals for man.
** [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Mahatma Gandhi]]

* I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
** Mentioned in [http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/05/out-of-osamas-death-a-fake-quotation-is-born/238220/ &quot;Out of Osama's Death, a Fake Quotation Is Born&quot; by Megan McArdle, ''The Atlantic'' (May 2011)], and widely [http://twitter.com/#!/jmadly/status/65314784136011776 distributed on twitter] as a quote of King, after the death of [[Osama bin Laden]], the first sentence is one written by [http://i.imgur.com/cqtjw.jpg Jessica Dovey] on her Facebook page, which became improperly combined by others with genuine statements of King, whom she quoted, and which occur in ''Strength to Love'' (1963), Ch. 5 : Loving your enemies, and in ''Where Do We Go from Here : Chaos or Community?'' (1967), p. 62.
** For the full story see [http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/05/anatomy-of-a-fake-quotation/238257/ &quot;Anatomy of a Fake Quotation&quot; by Megan McArdle, ''The Atlantic'' (May 3, 2011)] and for the [http://skeptics.stackexchange.com Facebook version of the quote see Did Martin Luther King, Jr. say that &quot;I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy&quot;? at skeptics.stackexchange.com].

{{Misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Martin Luther King, Jr.==
[[File:Martin Luther King memorial during Allt ljus på Uppsala 2008-11-15.jpg|thumb|Martin Luther King Jr. held to the [[fact]] that an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth would end up with a [[blind]] [[society]] and a toothless generation. ~ [[Ralph Abernathy]] ]]
[[File:Stokely Carmichael in Alabama 1966.jpeg|thumb|Dr. King's policy was, if you are nonviolent, if you suffer, your opponent will see your suffering and will be moved to change his heart. That's very good. He only made one fallacious assumption. In order for nonviolence to work, your opponent must have a conscience. ~ [[Stokely Carmichael]] ]]
[[File:P38128-03-398h.jpg|thumb|I'm more determined than ever that my husband's [[dream]] will become a [[reality]]. ~ [[Coretta Scott King]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King's soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:President Obama at MLK Memorial dedication.jpg|thumb|Dr. King was a man of flesh and blood and not a figure of [[stone]] that he inspires us so. His life, his story, tells us that [[change]] can come if you don't give up. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Rod Serling photo portrait 1959.JPG|thumb|And now, belatedly, we talk of this man's worth - but the judgement comes late in the day as part of a eulogy when it should have been made a matter of record while he existed as a living force. If we are to lend credence to our mourning, there are acknowledgements that must be made now, albeit belatedly. We must act on the altogether proper assumption that Martin Luther King asked for nothing but that which was his due... He asked only for equality, and it is that which we denied him. ~ [[Rod Serling]]]]

* '''Martin Luther King Jr. held to the [[fact]] that an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth would end up with a [[blind]] [[society]] and a toothless generation.'''
** [[Ralph Abernathy]], [http://repository.wustl.edu/concern/videos/ht24wm39b ''Eyes on the Prize'' interview with Callie Crossely, Atlanta, Georgia (6 November 1985)]

* He was always gracious and courteous to women, whether they were attractive to him or not. He had perfect manners. He was well educated. He was warm and friendly. He could make them laugh. He was good company, something that cannot always be said of heroes. These qualities made him even more attractive in close proximity than he was at a distance. &lt;br /&gt; Then, too, Martin's own love of women was apparent in ways that could not be easily pinpointed — but which women clearly sensed, even from afar.
** [[Ralph Abernathy]], ''And the Walls Came Tumbling Down: An Autobiography'' (1989), p. [https://books.google.ca/books?id=JFx2AAAAMAAJ 472], also quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/four-things-about-king/ &quot;Four Things You Didn't Know About Martin Luther King, Jr.&quot; at ''Snopes.com'']

* There is no way to verify the FBI's information. It is not clear whether the agents involved were transcribing the true reality of King's private life, or creating idle gossip as part of their campaign against him. &lt;br /&gt; Alongside the tapes was the now-infamous, anonymous letter urging King to avoid embarrassment, with the words, &quot;There is only one thing left for you to do. You know what it is. ... There is but one way out for you.&quot; It was delivered inside a manila envelope. &lt;br /&gt; The letter runs to more than 500 words, and claims to be from an African-American who supported the civil rights movement. In fact, it was written by the FBI.
** Bill Bostock, [https://www.businessinsider.com/fbi-tapes-allege-mlk-watched-rape-2019-5 &quot;55 years ago, the FBI tried to blackmail Martin Luther King Jr with a 'suicide' letter. This week, newly discovered documents finally explain the sordid origin of the plan.&quot; ''Business Insider'' (29 May 2019)]

* It wasn't a Republican who wiretapped and snooped on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., but Democrats [[John F. Kennedy]] and his brother Robert, who signed the order as Attorney General.
**[[w:Bruce Bartlett|Bruce Bartlett]], in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vb3Mx7GqAmwC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=isbn:9780230600621&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMIi92Er-SPxwIVhnQ-Ch3plQCk#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Wrong on Race: The Democratic Party's Buried Past''] (8 January 2008), p. xi

* Dr. King's policy was, if you are nonviolent, if you suffer, your opponent will see your suffering and will be moved to change his heart. That's very good. He only made one fallacious assumption. In order for nonviolence to work, your opponent must have a conscience. The United States has none. 
**[[Stokely Carmichael]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXQxyYllXnM&amp;t=40 The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975]

* King used to say, &quot;People think of me as a civil [[rights]] [[leader]], but fundamentally, I'm a Baptist preacher.&quot;
** Professor Clayborne Carson, Stanford University. &lt;small&gt;15 January 2007 n [http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Writings-show-King-as-liberal-Christian-2623685.php &quot;Writings show King as liberal Christian&quot; at SFGate'']&lt;/small&gt;

* He was very pure in mind and heart. He was a lover: a lover not only of his race but a lover of all mankind. His heart was so broad, so great, so magnanimous, and this gave him a most sincere feeling of absolute oneness with everyone. This is what made him so divinely great.
** [[Sri Chinmoy]], ''America the Beautiful'' (2010)

*There is a reason that I require all new agents and analysts to study the FBI's interaction with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and to visit his memorial in Washington as part of their training. And there is a reason I keep on my desk a copy of Attorney General Robert Kennedy's approval of J. Edgar Hoover's request to wiretap Dr. King. It is a single page. The entire application is five sentences long, it is without fact or substance, and is predicated on the naked assertion that there is &quot;communist influence in the racial situation.&quot; The reason I do those things is to ensure that we remember our mistakes and that we learn from them.
:* [[James Comey]], [http://www.fbi.gov/news/speeches/hard-truths-law-enforcement-and-race &quot;Hard Truths: Law Enforcement and Racism&quot;] (12 February 2015), Georgetown University, Washington, D.C.

*There are people who always want to get rid of anyone who is doing good for the world — like Martin Luther King, or President Kennedy; it always happens... he had a vision of right relationships for humanity. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/M_emergence/faq_M_emergence.htm ''Maitreya's Emergence FAQ, Share International,''] (April 1999)

*Martin Luther King... spoke from the [[heart]] and touched the deepest [[aspiration]] of millions of people for [[unity]], [[justice]] and [[brotherhood]].
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/bc_2001_2003.pdf ''Compilation of comments on world events by Benjamin Creme since 9/11/2001 as published in Share International magazine''] (November 2003)

* A lot of people are waiting for Martin Luther King or [[Mohandas K. Gandhi|Mahatma Gandhi]] to come back — but they are gone. We are it. It is up to us. It is up to you.
** [[w:Marian Wright Edelman|Marian Wright Edelman]], as quoted in ''The Art of Winning Commitment : 10 Ways Leaders Can Engage Minds, Hearts, And Spirits'' (2004) by Dick Richards, p. 11

* In Montgomery, Alabama, [[w:Jonah Edelman|Jonah]] and I went to the Civil Rights Memorial, and then we walked around to Dexter Baptist Church and went up into Martin's pulpit. I'd forgotten what a little place it was. We looked out from the little pulpit in that little church and talked about how something so big started from a place so small. Just a lot of committed people of faith in church on one side of the street, and all the power of Alabama in the state capitol right across the street. As a young lawyer, I used to listen to Dr. King in chapel at Spelman College. One of the thngs I liked about him was that he didn't pretend to be a great powerful know-it-all. I remember him discussing openly his gloom, depression, his fears, admitting that he didn't know what the next step was. He would then say: ''&quot;Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.&quot;'' 
** [[Marian Wright Edelman]], as quoted in ''[[w:Marian Wright Edelman|Mother Jones Magazine]]'' [http://books.google.com.mx/books?id=IecDAAAAMBAJ&amp;dq=%22Take+the+first+step+in+faith.+You+don%27t+have+to+see+the+whole+staircase%2C+just+take+the+first+step.%22&amp;q=%22Take+the+first+step+in+faith.+You+don%27t+have+to+see+the+whole+staircase%2C+just+take+the+first+step.%22#v=snippet&amp;q=%22Take%20the%20first%20step%20in%20faith.%20You%20don't%20have%20to%20see%20the%20whole%20staircase%2C%20just%20take%20the%20first%20step.%22&amp;f=false May-Jun 1991. Vol. 16, No. 3. p. 77]. ISSN 0362-8841

* Dr. King's birthday is a celebration of his [[life]] and [[values]], but it is more than that. The slogan 'A Day On, Not A Day Off' is very important. [[w:Martin Luther King Jr. Day|MLK Day]] is a day of [[learning]], [[commitment]] and [[service]], and I [[hope]] a great many [[students]] get involved.
** Gloria Gibson, [http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news/page/normal/198.html &quot;Civil Rights Commission chair highlights celebration of Martin Luther King's life&quot;], ''Indiana University'', (January 15, 2002).

*The Reverend Dr Martin Luther King, Jr. is often remembered as the most visible spokesperson and leader for American [[civil rights]], passionately defending the human rights of black Americans and effectively battling to end to racial segregation. Under his leadership the civil rights movement burgeoned into a powerful force for change and influenced the development of many movements for social progress to come. But Dr King's crusade for social and economic [[justice]] was also a global cause; he became a world figure championing [[human rights]] movements on many continents, promoting an end to [[war]] and expressing the need for what he called, &quot;a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one's tribe, race, class and nation, ...a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all men, ...as an absolute necessity for the survival of man.&quot; To achieve this, he promoted [[Gandhi]]'s view of [[non-violent]] [[peaceful]] [[protest]] as the only effective agent of real change, emphasizing that &quot;man must [[evolve]] for all human conflict a method which rejects [[revenge]], [[aggression]] and [[retaliation]]&quot;, with [[love]] as its foundation.
**Elisa Graf in [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2018/2018-05.htm#correo Martin Luther King's dream of brotherhood calls us to create a new world (an excerpt), ''Share International'',] (May 2018)

*King also recognized the distinct relationship between what he called the three evils: [[racism]], [[poverty]] and [[war]]. He referred to them as the violence of the flesh and the violence of the spirit, saying that '''&quot;any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and is not concerned about the slums that damn them, the economic conditions that strangle them and the social conditions that cripple them is a spiritually moribund religion awaiting burial.&quot;''' &lt;BR&gt;He envisioned the creation of a new society which he called the 'Beloved Community', based on justice, equal opportunity, and love of one's fellow human beings. In the Beloved Community, he said, poverty, hunger and [[homelessness]] would not be tolerated because international standards of human decency would not allow it. Racism and all forms of discrimination, bigotry and prejudice would be replaced by an all-inclusive spirit of sisterhood and brotherhood – a moral inclusiveness both economic and social.
**Elisa Graf in [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2018/2018-05.htm#correo Martin Luther King's dream of brotherhood calls us to create a new world (an excerpt), ''Share International'',] (May 2018)

* If there is one thing that captures popular understanding of the [[Jewish]] community's relationship to the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., it's an image from Selma, 1965. Rabbi [[Abraham Joshua Heschel]] links arms with a line of activists that include Rev. King, a shoulder's breadth away, on their historic [[w:Selma to Montgomery marches|march to Montgomery]]. Heschel's comments afterward have taken on a similarly iconic status: &quot;I felt my feet were [[praying]].&quot;
** Eric Herschthal, in [http://www.thejewishweek.com/arts/herschthal_arts/king_and_jews_beyond_heschel &quot;King And The Jews — Beyond Heschel&quot; in ''The Jewish Week'' (11 January 2011)]

* In a private letter written to [[w:Morris Berthold Abram|Morris Abram]], president of the American Jewish Committee and a longtime King supporter, King wrote that &quot;[[Israel]]'s right to exist as a state in security is incontestable.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; It is less often noted that King also stressed the need to develop the Arab world in order to prevent future conflicts. Or that he urged for greater understanding for what he believed was the root cause of the Arab world's [[anger]]. As he wrote to Abram in that same letter: &quot;The great powers have the obligation to recognize the Arab world is in a state of imposed [[poverty]] and backwardness that must threaten [[peace]] and [[harmony]].&quot;
** Eric Herschthal, &quot;King And The Jews — Beyond Heschel&quot; in ''The Jewish Week'' (11 January 2011)

*The whole future of America will depend upon the impact and influence of Dr. King.
**[[w:en:Abraham Joshua Heschel|Abraham Joshua Heschel]], &quot;Conversation with Martin Luther King&quot;, ''Conservative Judaism XXII'', no. 3 (Spring 1968).

* Martin Luther King is really a tricky person. ... I just can't see a picture of Martin Luther King without thinking, you know, that man's terrible.
** [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis|Jacqueline Kennedy]] in 1964, as quoted in ''Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy'' (2011)

* I'm more determined than ever that my husband's [[dream]] will become a [[reality]].
** [[Coretta Scott King]], soon after his death, as quoted in ''A Wonderful Life: 50 Eulogies to Lift the Spirit'' (2006), edited by Cyrus Copeland, p. 76

* Let the strivings of us all, prove Martin Luther King Jr. to have been correct, when he said that humanity can no longer be tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war. Let the efforts of us all, prove that he was not a mere dreamer when he spoke of the beauty of genuine brotherhood and peace being more precious than diamonds or silver or gold. Let a new age dawn!
** [[Nelson Mandela]], at the end of his ''Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Address'' (10 December 1993)

* Martin Luther King was an exponent of nonviolence. Nevertheless, the U.S. imperialists did not on that account show any tolerance toward him, but used counter-revolutionary violence and killed him in cold blood.
** [[Mao Zedong]], &quot;A New Storm Against Imperialism&quot; (16 April 1968)

*We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. King. I was wrong. I was wrong. And eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona. I'd remind you we can all be a little late sometimes in doing the right thing, and Dr. King understood this about his fellow Americans.
**[[John McCain]], [https://inkslwc.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/mccain-was-wrong-voting-against-martin-luther-king-holiday-how-other-congressional-members-voted/ Speech at National Civil Rights Museum] (4 April 2008), Memphis, Tennessee

* He ([[Martin Luther King Jr.]]) felt it was important that children of all races see an African American female appearing on television as an equal.
** [[Nichelle Nichols]] in [http://www.geeksofdoom.com/2012/09/08/interview-star-treks-nichelle-nichols-talks-about-her-famous-kiss-with-captain-kirk interview (8 September 2012)]

* Unlike the others commemorated in this place, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was not a president of the United States — at no [[time]] in his [[life]] did he hold public office. He was not a [[hero]] of foreign [[wars]]. He never had much [[money]], and while he lived he was reviled at least as much as he was celebrated. By his own accounts, he was a man frequently racked with [[doubt]], a man not without flaws, a man who, like [[Moses]] before him, more than once questioned why he had been chosen for so arduous a task — the task of leading a people to [[freedom]], the task of healing the festering wounds of a nation's original [[sin]]. And yet lead a nation he did. Through [[words]] he gave [[voice]] to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave [[courage]] to the faint of [[heart]]. By dint of [[vision]], and determination, and most of all [[faith]] in the redeeming power of [[love]]. he endured the humiliation of arrest, the loneliness of a [[prison]] cell, the constant threats to his life, until he finally inspired a nation to transform itself, and begin to live up to the [[meaning]] of its creed. &lt;br /&gt; Like [[Moses]] before him, he would never live to see the Promised Land. But from the [[mountain]] top, he pointed the way for us — a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife, a land that measured itself by how it treats the least of these, a land in which strength is defined not simply by the capacity to wage war but by the determination to forge peace — a land in which all of [[God]]'s children might come together in a [[spirit]] of [[brotherhood]].&lt;br /&gt;We have not yet arrived at this longed for place. For all the [[progress]] we have made, there are times when the land of our [[dreams]] recedes from us — when we are lost, wandering spirits, content with our [[suspicions]] and our [[angers]], our long-held grudges and petty disputes, our frantic diversions and tribal allegiances. And yet, by erecting this monument, we are reminded that this different, better place beckons us, and that we will find it not across distant hills or within some hidden valley, but rather we will find it somewhere in our [[hearts]].
** [[Barack Obama]], in his address at the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Groundbreaking Ceremony (13 November 2006) 

* It is right for us to celebrate Dr. King's marvelous oratory, but it is worth remembering that [[progress]] did not come from words alone. Progress was hard. Progress was purchased through enduring the smack of billy clubs and the blast of fire hoses. It was bought with days in jail cells and nights of bomb threats. For every victory during the height of the [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1955–1968)|civil rights movement]], there were setbacks and there were defeats. &lt;br /&gt; We forget now, but during his life, Dr. King wasn't always considered a unifying figure. Even after rising to prominence, even after winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Dr. King was vilified by many, denounced as a rabble-rouser and an agitator, a [[communist]] and a [[radical]].
** [[Barack Obama]]'s [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=96905&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz1uaMPaFY3 remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication at The National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (16 October 2011)

* If he were alive today, I believe he would remind us that the unemployed worker can rightly challenge the excesses of Wall Street without demonizing all who work there, that the businessman can enter tough negotiations with his company's union without vilifying the right to collectively bargain. He would want us to know we can argue fiercely about the proper size and role of [[government]] without questioning each other's [[love]] for this [[country]], with the [[knowledge]] that in this [[democracy]], government is no distant object, but is rather an expression of our common commitments to one another. He would call on us to assume the best in each other rather than the worst and challenge one another in ways that ultimately heal rather than wound. &lt;br /&gt; In the end, that's what I [[hope]] my daughters take away from this monument. I want them to come away from here with a [[faith]] in what they can accomplish when they are determined and working for a righteous cause. I want them to come away from here with a faith in other people and a faith in a benevolent [[God]]. This sculpture, massive and iconic as it is, will remind them of Dr. King's strength, but to see him only as larger than life would do a disservice to what he taught us about ourselves. He would want them to know that he had setbacks, because they will have setbacks. He would want them to know that he had doubts, because they will have doubts. He would want them to know that he was flawed, because all of us have flaws. It is precisely because Dr. King was a man of flesh and blood and not a figure of stone that he inspires us so. His life, his story, tells us that change can come if you don't give up. He would not give up, no matter how long it took, because in the smallest hamlets and the darkest slums, he had witnessed the highest reaches of the human spirit; because in those moments when the struggle seemed most hopeless, he had seen men and women and children conquer their fear; because he had seen hills and mountains made low and rough places made plain, and the crooked places made straight and God make a way out of no way. And that is why we honor this man — because he had faith in us. And that is why he belongs on this [[w:National Mall|Mall]], because he saw what we might become.
** [[Barack Obama]]'s remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication at The National Mall in Washington, D.C. (16 October 2011) 

* We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King's soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time.
** [[Barack Obama]]'s [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/08/28/remarks-president-let-freedom-ring-ceremony-commemorating-50th-anniversa Remarks at the &quot;Let Freedom Ring&quot; Ceremony Commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington], Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. (August 28, 2013)

* Boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for that pro-communist philanderer Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressman. What an infamy that [[Ronald Reagan]] approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day.
** {{citation
| year = 1990
| month = February
| title = The Coming Race War
| periodical = Ron Paul Political Report
| page = 7
| url = http://www.tnr.com/sites/default/files/February1990.pdf
}}, quoted in {{citation
| date = 2012-01-08
| title = Ron Paul Did Not Vote for MLK Day
| first = Ta-Nehisi
| last = Coates
| journal = The Root
| url = http://www.theroot.com/buzz/ron-paul-did-not-vote-mlk-day
}}

* He was also a comsymp, if not an actual party member, and the man who replaced the evil of forced segregation with the evil of forced integration. King, the FBI files show, was not only a world-class adulterer, he also seduced underage girls and boys. The Re. Ralph David Abernathy revealed before his death that King had made a pass at him many years before. And we are supposed to honor this &quot;Christian minister&quot; and lying [[socialist]] satyr with a holiday that puts him on a par with [[George Washington]]?
** {{citation
| year = 1990
| month = December
| periodical = Ron Paul Political Report
| page = 8
| url = http://www.tnr.com/sites/default/files/PR_Dec90_p8.pdf
}}, quoted in {{citation
| date = 2011-12-23
| title = TNR Exclusive: A Collection of Ron Paul's Most Incendiary Newsletters
| journal = New Republic
| url = http://www.tnr.com/article/politics/98883/ron-paul-incendiary-newsletters-exclusive}}

*With the election behind us, our country turns hopeful eyes to the future. I have a few hopes of my own. I congratulate our first African-American president-elect. Martin Luther King, Jr. certainly would be proud to see this day. We are stronger for embracing diversity, and I am hopeful that we can continue working through the tensions and wrongs of the past and become a more just and colorblind society. I hope this new administration will help bring us together, and not further divide us. I have always found that freedom is the best way to break down barriers. A free society emphasizes the importance of individuals, and not because they are part of a certain group. That's the only way equal justice can be achieved.
**[[Ron Paul]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20120119202026/http://www.ronpaularchive.com/2008/11/hopes-for-the-future/ ''Hopes For the Future''] (November 2008)

* In his grave, we praise him for his decency - but when he walked amongst us, we responded with no decency of our own. When he suggested that all men should have a place in the sun - we put a special sanctity on the right of ownership and the privilege of prejudice by maintaining that to deny homes to Negroes was a democratic right. Now we acknowledge his compassion - but we exercised no compassion of our own. When he asked us to understand that men take to the streets out of anguish and hopelessness and a vision of that dream dying, we bought guns and speculated about roving agitators and subversive conspiracies and demanded law and order. We felt anger at the effects, but did little to acknowledge the causes. We extol all the virtues of the man - but we chose not to call them virtues before his death. '''And now, belatedly, we talk of this man's worth - but the judgement comes late in the day as part of a eulogy when it should have been made a matter of record while he existed as a living force. If we are to lend credence to our mourning, there are acknowledgements that must be made now, albeit belatedly. We must act on the altogether proper assumption that Martin Luther King asked for nothing but that which was his due... He asked only for equality, and it is that which we denied him.'''
** [[Rod Serling]], excerpt from a letter to ''The Los Angeles Times'' in response to the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr (8 April 1968)

* I believe Doctor King was a Republican. Most of the blacks in the late 1950s and at least up to 1960 were Republican. Our party was sympathetic to them and the Democrats were the ones enforcing 'Jim Crow' laws and segregation.
**[[w:Fletcher Thompson|Fletcher Thompson]], as quoted in [http://www.newsmax.com/US/martin-luther-king-republican/2013/09/01/id/523296/ &quot;Registration Unknown, Martin Luther King Was Likely Republican&quot;] (1 September 2013), by John Gizzi, ''NewsMax''

* * In Donald's mind, even acknowledging an inevitable threat would indicate weakness. Taking responsibility would open him up to blame. Being a hero- being good- is impossible for him. The same could be said of his handling of the worst civil unrest since the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. This is another crisis in which it would have been so easy for Donald to triumph, but his ignorance overwhelms his ability to turn to his advantage the third national catastrophe to occur on his watch. An effective response would have entailed a call for unity, but Donald requires division. It is the only way he knows how to survive- my grandfather ensured that decades ago when he turned his children against each other.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 210

* Most people think King would be the last person to own a gun. Yet in the mid-1950s, as the civil rights movement heated up, King kept firearms for self-protection. In fact, he even applied for a permit to carry a concealed weapon.
: A recipient of constant death threats, King had armed supporters take turns guarding his home and family. He had good reason to fear that the Klan in Alabama was targeting him for assassination.
:* UCLA law professor Adam Winkler ''Huffington Post'' [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adam-winkler/mlk-and-his-guns_b_810132.html ''MLK and His Guns'']

* The white man pays Reverend Martin Luther King, subsidizes Reverend Martin Luther King, so that Reverend Martin Luther King can continue to teach the Negroes to be defenseless&amp;mdash;that's what you mean by nonviolent&amp;mdash;to be defenseless in the face of one of the most cruel beasts that have ever taken a people into captivity. That's the American white man. And they have proven it throughout the country by the police dogs and the police clubs. A hundred years ago they used to put on a white sheet and use a bloodhound against Negroes. Today they've taken off the white sheet and put on police uniforms, they've traded in the bloodhounds for police dogs, and they're still doing the same thing. And just as Uncle Tom, back during slavery, used to keep the Negroes from resisting the bloodhound, or resisting the Ku Klux Klan, by teaching them to love their enemy, or pray for those who use them spitefully, today Martin Luther King is just a 20th century or modern Uncle Tom, or a religious Uncle Tom, who is doing the same thing today, to keep Negroes defenseless in the face of an attack, that Uncle Tom did on the plantation to keep those Negroes defenseless in the face of the attacks of the Klan in that day. 
** [[Malcolm X]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4PqLKWuwyU interviewed] by Kenneth Clark on PBS, 1963

==See Also==
* [[Black Lives Matter]]
* [[H.R. 40 - Commission to Study and Develop Reparation Proposals for African-Americans Act]]
* [[Malcolm X]]
* [[Racism in the United States]]
* [[Reparations for slavery]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/multimedia_contents King's speeches in the King Institute Encyclopedia at Stanford University]
* [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/Ihaveadream.htm &quot;I have a dream&quot; Speech]
* [http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/frequentdocs/birmingham.pdf &quot;Letter From A Birmingham Jail&quot; April 16, 1963]
* [http://www.indiana.edu/~ivieweb/mlkwhere.html &quot;Where do we go from here?&quot; 1967 SCLC Address]
* [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkatimetobreaksilence.htm Beyond Vietnam speech (4 April 1967)]
* [http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/01.17/99-mlkspeech.html &quot;The Ethical Foundations of Dr. King's Political Action&quot; by Charles V. Willie]
* [http://millercenter.virginia.edu/programs/prp/quest/clips/10_LBJ_MLK%2011_25_63.pdf MLK and LBJ on JFK]

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[[Category:Christian nonviolence]]
[[Category:Baptist ministers]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:Christian socialists]]
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[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Academics from the United States]]
[[Category:Theologians from the United States]]
[[Category:Nobel laureates from the United States]]
[[Category:1929 births]]
[[Category:1968 deaths]]
[[Category:Prisoners]]
[[Category:Murdered people]]
[[Category:People from Atlanta]]
[[Category:African American socialists]]
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'''[[w:Tupac Shakur|Tupac Amaru Shakur]]''' ([[June 16]], [[1971]] – [[September 13]], [[1996]]) was an American rapper and actor. He was also step-nephew of Black power activist [[Assata Shakur]].

==Quotes== 
[[File:Calaveras Museo Atropológico-Madrid.jpg|thumb|Accept no substitutes; I bring truth to the youth.; [[Death|Killing]] ain't [[Fairness|fair]], but somebody's got to do it.]]
[[File:DerelictAsadBabil.JPEG|thumb|My adversaries crumble when we rumble; it's a catastrophe.]]
[[File:Ferguson, Day 4, Photo 13.png|thumb|It's not going to stop until we stop it. And it's not just white men that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white men that's keeping us trapped. It's black.]]
[[File:Bed-Stuy in the Snow.jpg|thumb|The same crime element that white people are scared of, black people are scared of. The same crime element that white people fear, black people fear. So we defend our self from the same crime element that they are scared of... While they are waiting for legislation to pass and everything, we're next door to the killer, we're next door to him you know. Because we're up in the projects... All them killers that they letting out, they're right there in that building. Just because we're black we get along with the killers or something? We get along with rapists because we're black and from the same hood? What is that? We need protection too.]]
[[File:Confederate_100_Dollars.jpg|thumb|Currency means nothing if you still ain't free; money breeds jealousy.]]
[[File:US_Navy_091022-N-8607R-030_Capt._John_Funk,_commanding_officer_of_the_amphibious_assault_ship_USS_Bonhomme_Richard_(LHD_6).jpg|thumb|My aim is to spread more smiles than tears; utilize lessons learned from my childhood years.]]
[[File:Arco_iris_circular.JPG|thumb|Take the game from me; I hope for better days.]]
[[File:Hermandad_-_friendship.jpg|thumb|I'm not on this all-white or all-black shit. I'm on this all-real or all fake shit with people, whatever color you are.]]
[[File:Sagging.jpg|thumb|Every 'brother' ain't a brother. They will do you. So just because it's black, don't mean it's cool. And just because it's white don't mean it's evil.]]

===1990s===

*Accept no substitutes; I bring truth to the youth.
**[https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/holla-if-ya-hear-me.html &quot;Holla If Ya Hear Me&quot;] (1993).
**We all gonna die, we bleed from similar veins
**[https://lovequotesz.com/tupac-shakur-quotes/ TUPAC SHAKUR QUOTES] (2020)

====Malcolm X Grassroots Movement, Atlanta (1992)====
*First, I wanna say 'peace' to my mother. She's not here but I gotta give a 'peace out' to her because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my mother.

*It's not going to stop until &quot;we&quot; stop it. And it's not just white man that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white man that's keeping us trapped. It's &quot;black.&quot; And we have to find the new African in everybody... But before we can be African, we gotta be black first.

*What I want you to take seriously is what we have to do for the youth.

*You grew up, we grew up B.C. Before crack. That's just saying it all. You understand? You don't have parents... You have young kids, fourteen, coming home and their mama is smoking out, going to their best friend to get the product.

*It's not just about you taking care of &quot;your&quot; child. It's about you taking care of ''these children.''

*First, I want to say peace to my mother. She's not here, but I've got to give a 'peace out' to her, because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my mother. And, I look in the front of this thing and it says 'start from within to rebuild our original greatness.' Right?  Okay, well that's what my mother did. You know what I'm saying? And I'm listen about freedom fighters and strugglers. Well you got to understand when it was 'in' to have a gun and be in the streets, my mother gave that up to be in a house and wash the dishes and feed us. You know what I'm saying? And put the thoughts in our brain. We didn't get any of that history from all of those soldiers that we lost. We got none of that. They all went to jail if you can remember that. They all went to penitentiaries. We didn't see none of that knowledge. If it was not for my mother, that stayed home, and didn't go out and do all that, then I wouldn't have shit, excuse my language. But, I wouldn't have been nowhere. So what I want to do hopefully is. I want to be, not I want to be, I am Tupac Shakur. I have to be a reminder that we cant chill out. No, it not time cool out in banquets, its still on. It's on just like it was on when you were young and you want to say 'fuck that'. Just like you said 'fuck that', back then. So how come, now that I'm twenty years old and ready to start some shit, everybody's telling me to 'calm down'. Don't curs them, go to school, go to college. Well, fuck that. We have had colleges for awhile now. You know what I'm sayin? There's still Brenda's out there and niggas are still trapped. You know what I'm saying? And it gets me, irked. You know what I'm saying? Because I understand that it's not going to stop. You know what I'm saying? 

*'''It's not going to stop until ''we'' stop it. And it's not just white men that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white men that's keeping us trapped. It's 'black',''' and we have to find the new African in everybody. In all of us, because if we keep running around looking for black and who got the most colors on or who got the baddest dashiki, we're still going to, excuse my language, we're still going to get fucked. Because it hurts me that my mother right now is going though, you know, she has to get clean. This is somebody I watched travel the whole country. You know what I'm saying? During the time when our women were scared to speak up. But, a Black Panther she spoke at Harvard, Yale, everywhere and now. I see my mother as what's really going on. You know what I'm saying? I don't see no big parade around my mother now. She's got a dozen fucking awards, and I don't see nobody there. You understand what I'm saying? So out of this, I take that lightly. I take all this lightly. 

*What I want you to take seriously, is what we have to do for the youth. Because we're coming up in a totally different world. This is not the same world that you had this is not 6th Street its not. You grew up, we grew up B.C. Before crack. That's just saying it all. You understand? We did not grow up without parents. You had parents that told you this and that and told you what went on back in the day. You have young kids, fourteen, coming home and their mama is smoking out, going to their best friend to get the product. You understand what I'm saying? So that means it's not just about you taking care of &quot;your&quot; child. It's about you taking care of &quot;these children&quot;. It hurts that I got to, it bothers me, not hurts, that I have to sidestep my youth to stand up and do some shit that somebody else is suppose to be doing. You understand what I'm saying? There's too many men out here for me to be doing this, because it ain't my turn yet. I'm supposed to be following behind him getting the knowledge. I don't even got a chance to get the fucking knowledge. I can't go to college. There's too much problems out here. I don't got the money. Nobody does. You understand what I'm saying? So what I'm saying is, it's not as easy as we're mapping it out to be. We've got to stay real. Before we can be new African we've gotta be black first. You understand? We've gotta get our brothers from the streets like Harriett Tubman did. Why can't we look at that and see exactly what she was doing? Like Malcolm did, the real Malcolm, before the Nation of Islam. You've got to remember, this was a pimp. You know what I'm saying, we forgot about all that. In our strive to be enlightened we forgot about all our brothers in the street, about all our dope dealers, our pushers and our pimps, and that's who's teaching the new generation, because y'all not doing it. I'm sorry. But, it's the pimps and pushers who's teaching us. So, if you got a problem with how we were raised, its because they was the only ones who could do it. They the only ones who did it, because everybody else wanted to go to college, and you know, yeah everything's changed, they were the ones telling you 'the white man ain't shit, there you go, check this out young blood, you take this product, you switch it, you get money and that's how you beat the white man, you get money, you get the hell up out of here.' Nobody else did that. So I don't wanna hear shit about nobody telling me who I can't love and respect until you start doing what they did. To me, this is Mecca. This is the black family. You know what I'm saying? But, what makes it that much sadder, what makes me wanna cry, is that when I leave this place, so does Mecca. You understand what I'm saying? We're going back to the real deal. Right out there, you're going see the same sisters and Brenda, they're right out there, and y'all are going to get in your cars and drive the fuck home.

====''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'' (February 16, 1993)====

* They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor.
** &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;

====MTV interview (1994)====
* To dance with the naked [blow-up] doll, that was me! That's what I mean by I'm real, I'm truly hardcore, because I needed the money and I had to work. So if he told me that for me to get paid I had to go out there in bikini briefs and hop on top of this [blow-up] doll and that's how I gotta get paid, and I was homeless at the time, that's what I had to do. But What I did was not let him pimp me, you know what I'm saying. It wasn't like I just did that because that was my order. As soon as I got the check's to say what was on my mind, I said what was on my mind. And we have a platinum record now, you know what I'm saying.

* You have to work from one point to go to another. So I admire work ethic, I think it should be re-inforced through out our neigbourhoods, that everybody should work hard, practice makes perfect, you have to be diligent with what you want, you have to apply your self, you have to motivate your self. You have to do for-self by your self, and then you can do things for other people. But that's what I had to do, I had to do for-self.

* I want, when they see me, They know that everyday when I'm breathing is for us to go further. Everytime I speak I want the truth to come out. Not one person even realizes that I have white relatives, my cousin just had a son who is “White” but everytime I speak I want a shiver so yes, I do omit things that I feel are not accurately portraying my “character”. I don't want them to be like; they know what I'm gonna say, because it's polite. Im not saying I'm gonna rule the world or I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee you that I will spark the brain that will change the world. And that's our job, It's to spark somebody else watching us. We might not be the one's, but let's not be selfish and because we not gonna change the world let's not talk about how we should change it. I don't know how to change it, but I know if I keep talking about how dirty it is out here, somebody's gonna clean it up.

* I gotta big mouth, I can't help it, I talk from my heart, I'm real you know what I'm sayin whatever comes comes. But my controverse problems, It's not my fault, I try to find my way in the world you know, I try to be somebody instead of just, make money off of everybody. You know what im saying, so I go down paths that haven't been traveled before and I usually mess up, but I learn, you know what I'm saying, I come back stronger, I'm not talking ignorant, you know what I'm saying. So obviously put thought into what I do. So I think my mouth, my controverse, I have not been out of the paper since I joined Digital Underground, I've been in all, you know what I'm saying, my name has not been not uttered, you know what I'm saying, and that's good for me because I don't wanna be forgotten. If I'm forgotten then that means I'm comfortable and that means I think everything is okay.

====Ed Gordon interview (1994)====
* '''It's like a battle, trying to find the right words to say at the right time.'''

* '''It's a constant man-ego-check going on in the streets, in this world.'''

* I believe honestly that I can talk. I believe that I have the ability to reason, I have logic, I have compassion, I have understanding. If we talk there's no problem you know what I'm saying. But that's not what happened. People used what they heard in media and that's how they come at me, and then you know we got a clash.

* '''If your not cheering for me, for what I'm doing, don't cheer for me. Don't cheer cause you think I'm cute, you know what I'm saying, screw that. Cheer for me for what I'm doing, for what I stand for, and when I go to jail you should cheer louder.'''

* '''I have no patience for anybody that doubts me, none at all.'''

* '''I'm not thuggin' for me, I'm thuggin' for my family, I pay all the bills, I feed my whole family, wrong or right, I do and I can't stop.'''

* The main thing for us to remember is that, the same crime element that white people are scared of, black people are scared of. The same crime element that white people fear, black people fear. So we defend our self from the same crime element that they are scared of, you know what I'm saying, while they are waiting for legislations to pass and everything, we're next door to the killer, we're next door to him you know. Because we up in the projects where it's 80 niggas in the building. All them killers that they letting out, they're right there in that building. Just because we're black we get along with the killers or something? We get along with rapist's because we're black and from the same hood? What is that? We need protection too.

* I made a metamorphose, I'm a new person today, because I used to strongly and honestly, honestly! I feel like I can represent my generation so much because I honestly did not care whether I lived or died. But now I can not die, with people thinking I'm a rapist or a criminal, I can not leave until this shit is straight, you know I'm not suicidal. I can't go until ya'll really know what time it is. And then after that, BOOM!, It's all over and we can see how this shit fall, but that's how it is, and the reason being is because if I can't live free, if I can't live with the same respect as the next man, I don't wanna be here, because god has cursed me to see what life should be like, If God wanted me to be this person and be happy here, he wouldn't let me feel so oppressed, he wouldn't let me feel so trampled on, you know what I'm saying, he wouldn't let me think the things I think. So I feel I'm doing Gods work, you know what I'm saying just because I don't have nothing to pass around for people to put money in a bucket don't mean I ain't doing God's work.

====Interview outside courthouse (1994)====
* The only way I've been practicing my whole life, to live my life is to be responsible for what I do. I don't know how to be responsible for what every black male did, I don't know. And yes, I am gonna say that I'm a thug, that's because I came from the gutter and I'm still here! I'm not saying I'm a thug because I wanna rob you or rape people and things. I'm a business man, I mean, you know I'm a business man because you find me at my places of business.

* It's not my liking for guns, what about the NRA? We all have the rights to bear arms, I have that, I have that same right as you do. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I shouldn't have a gun; I legally own guns.

====MTV interview with Tabitha Soren (1995)====
* '''I know how it's gonna be when I die. It's going to be no noise, you ain't going to hear people screaming. I'mma fade out.'''

* Marlon Brando is not a gangster-actor, he's an actor. Axl Rose and them are not gangster rock-and-rollers, they're  rock-and-rollers right. So I'm a rapper, this is what I do. I'm an artist.

* '''I think being humble is sexy.'''

* I think that I'm really, I was a reactionary, and now I don't do that any more. Same person, but I don't react. Before, I reacted. I didn't like the cameras, so I spit. 

* I'm known as a survivor now, I hope so, for the jail thing, bullets and everything, controversies and everything, I hope so. And I want to be in the future known as somebody. You know I want people to be talking about me like you know: &quot;remember when he was real bad, remember when Tupac was real bad&quot;. You know what I mean, they do that about a lot of actors now, like John Travolta I read stories like &quot;remember you were wild&quot;. And all these other people, and now they're like sweet hearts. We all should get that chance, I just want my chance.

====Prison interviews and interrogations (1995)====
:'''Interviewer''': It says &quot;I really got my ass beat. I really don't like police. 
:'''Shakur''': It doesn't say that. Where are you at? Right there... oh. I didn't say that. That's not what it says.
:'''Interviewer''': Okay. 
:'''Shakur''': It says, 'I'm a victim for real. Everything I talk is for real. I really got my ass beat. I really don't like ''them.''.. I really don't like crooked police. 

* '''Jail is big business, believe me. I'm in jail, I see the big business. You can feed a whole town off one jail. This jail is in the middle of a town that feeds everybody. Everybody works here, this is the main income. So if there were no criminals, nobody would work.'''

* '''The guns are turning away from Europe and Russia and Iran and Iraq and they're turning to us.'''

* '''America is the biggest gang in the world.'''

* '''Prison kills your spirit, straight up. It kills your spirit. There is no creativity, there's none of that.'''

* Now if we do wanna live the thug life and the gangsta' life and all that, OK, so stop being cowards and let's have a revolution. But we don't wanna do that, dudes just wanna live &quot;character&quot;, they wanna be &quot;cartoons&quot;, but if they really wanted to do something, they was that tuff, alright, let's start our own country, let's start a revolution, let's get outta' here, let's do something. But they don't wanna do that, they wanna pimp our communities and portray this image that they know we all can't survive and make, and that's what I saw.

* '''No matter what these people say about me, my music does not glorify any image, my music is spiritual if you listen to it. It's all about emotion, it's all about life.'''

* '''Watch people, because you can fake for a long time, but one day you're gonna show yourself to be a phony.''' 

* '''Measure a man by his actions fully, from the beginning to the end. Don't take a piece out of my life or a song out of my music and say this is what I'm about, because you know better than that.'''

* '''I don't feel like what I did was so evil, I just feel like the way I was living and my mentality was a part of my progression to be a man.''' 
* '''Don't support the phonies, support the real.'''

* ''Listen to the words people say in their lyrics, and tell me, if that's some real shit, if that's real to you, you know what I mean. Listen to what they sayin', don't just bob your head to the beat, peep the game, and listen to what Im saying. Hold us accountable for it.''

* '''Trust nobody, TRUST NO BODY.'''

* '''Fear is stronger than love, remember that. Fear is stronger than love, all that love I gave didn't mean nothing when it came to fear.'''

* '''The only thing that can kill me is death, that's the only thing that can ever stop me, is death, and even then my music will live forever.'''

====Interview on the set ''Gridlock'd'' (1996)====
* I've always been an actor, the reason I've been successful in the rap-game I think is that I treat my albums like movies, and I treat writing it like I'm a character writing a story, you know, for each album whatever I'm going through, whatever stages I'm going through, and I do it vividly with vivid pitcure, with action and description, and an beginning and with an end, and conflict, and you know, redemption, things like that. So I feel like I always been an actor and acting is my first love.

* If you thought about it I'm hardly the villain, I'm hardly the one you should be scared of. It's the guy who can't talk, it's the guy without a job, it's the one with scares in his face, not the one clean cut, you know what I mean you should worry about a lot of other things, but not me.

====''Details'' magazine interview (Spring 1996)====
* All good niggas, all the niggas who change the world, die in violence. They don't die in regular ways.

====Interview at Death Row offices (1996)====
* Basically It's a hypocritical view, because what your saying is it's okay for us to live in the dirt, in the gutter, in less than human conditions, but it's not okay for us to tell people that we are living in these conditions.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (February 1996)====
* Everybody's at war with different things... I'm at war with my own heart sometimes.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (June 1996)====
* On the whole, I don't have any friends. Friends come and go; I've lost my trust factor. I believe I have people who think they're my friend. And I believe that there are people probably in their heart who are friends toward me or are friends to me. But they're not my friends, because what I learned is that fear is stronger than love.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (September 1996)====
* It's not like I idolize this one guy Machiavelli. I idolize that type of thinking where you do whatever's gonna make you achieve your goal.
* This new Makaveli album I got comin' out, I'm takin' on niggas. It's like, my dopest album ever. 
* I am the future of black America.
* Fuck it, I feel like I shine.

====Interview on the set of ''Gang Related'' (1996)====
* '''I can't explain why I shine and no one else shines. I think everybody shines in different things.'''

* The reason I sell 6 million records, the reason I could go to jail and come out without a scratch, the reason I can walk around, the reason I am who I am today is because I can look directly in to my face and find my soul, it's there, it's not sold, i didn't sell it, it's still within me, I still feel it, my heart is still connected to my body.

====''All Eyez on Me'' (1996)====
* My adversaries crumble when we rumble; it's a catastrophe.
**&quot;When We Ride&quot; (1996)

*It seems, my main thing was to be major paid &lt;br&gt; The [[game]] sharper than a motherfucking razor blade &lt;br&gt; Say [[money]] bring [[women|bitches]], bitches bring [[lies]]. &lt;br&gt;
:* All Eyez On Me&quot; (1996)

====&quot;Hit 'Em Up&quot; (1996)====
*You claim to be a player, but I fucked your wife.

* Killing ain't fair, but somebody's got to do it.

====''The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory'' (1996)====
*More money means litigating, more player-hating. Got a cell at the pen, for me waiting. Is this my fate?
**[https://play.google.com/music/preview/Te5ppuyfquh4t6lnlla3zs6w33e?lyrics=1 &quot;Hold Ya Head&quot;]

*Currency means nothing if you still ain't free. Money breeds jealousy. Take the game from me; I hope for better days. Trouble comes naturally. Running from authorities. 'Til they capture me, and my aim is to spread more smiles than tears. Utilize lessons learned from my childhood years.
**[https://play.google.com/music/preview/Te5ppuyfquh4t6lnlla3zs6w33e?lyrics=1 &quot;Hold Ya Head&quot;]

* I ain't a [[killer]], but don't push me &lt;br&gt; [[Revenge]] is like the sweetest [[joy]] next to gettin' pussy.
** &quot;Hail Mary&quot;

=== Posthumous attributions ===
====''Tupac: Resurrection'' (2003)====
*Some people say I was a thug and a gangster; other people remember me as a poet and a born leader. But I'm saying to you, measure a man by his actions fully, through his whole life, from the beginning to the end. 

*Remember, this country had a man named [[J. Edgar Hoover]], whose job it was to destroy the credibility of any black man coming up. 

*My mother was pregnant with me while she was in prison. She was her own attorney, never been to law school. She was facing 300 and something odd years. One black woman, pregnant, beat the case. That just goes to show you the strength of a black woman and the strength of the oppressed. 

*When I was a little baby, I remember that one moment of calm peace, and three minutes after that, it was on. 

*But in my homeboys' high school, it's not like that. They don't have trips to go see this Broadway play, they don't read things we read. They didn't know when I was like: &quot;Yo, Shakespeare's dope.&quot;

*The same crime element that white people are scared of black people are scared of. While they waiting for legislation to pass, we next door to the killer. All them killers they let out, they're in that building. Just because we black, we get along with the killers? What is that? We need protection too. 

*You have to be logical. You know? If I know that in this hotel room they have food every day, and I'm knocking on the door every day to eat, and they open the door, let me see the party, let me see them throwing salami all over, I mean, just throwing food around, but they're telling me there's no food.

*Every day, I'm standing outside trying to sing my way in: We are hungry, please let us in. We are hungry, please let us in. After about a week that song is gonna change to: We hungry, we need some food. After two, three weeks, it's like: Give me the food Or I'm breaking down the door. After a year you're just like: I'm picking the lock. Coming through the door blasting.

*It's like, you hungry, you reached your level. We asked ten years ago. We was asking with the Panthers. We was asking with them, the Civil Rights Movement. We was asking. Those people that asked are dead and in jail. So now what do you think we're gonna do? Ask? 

*No, you don't wanna get me started. Jell-O with hair all in the mold. I'd be like, &quot;Damn, man, how are you gonna mess up Jell-O?&quot; Jell-O is so wholesome and family-like. It just ruins it for me. To have a hair in there, yeah. I mean, I'm like, &quot;Come on, Bill Cosby pumps this, man!&quot; 

*And you can't go, &quot;There's a hair in my Jell-O. I'd like to send this back. Can I see the cook, please?&quot; The cook is a big dude named Bubba Joe. 

*I got shot. I always felt like I'd be shot. Somebody was trying to do me some harm because a lot of people don't like me. But I didn't think it was gonna happen at that particular moment. 

* Niggers was the ones with the rope, hanging off trees; Niggas are the ones with gold ropes, hanging out at clubs.

* Measure a man by his actions fully, through his whole life, from the beginning to the end.

* Coming to grips with my past, it was hard. I don't feel like what I did was so evil, I just feel like the way I was living, and my mentality, was part of my progression to be a man.

*I'm not saying I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change the world.

* You grow, we all grow, we're made to grow. You either evolve or disappear.

* Keep ya head up. Do what you gotta do. And then, inside of you, I will be reborn.

* The real tragedy is that there are some ignorant brothers out here. That's why I'm not on this all-white or all-black shit. I'm on this all-real or all fake shit with people, whatever color you are. Because niggas will do you. I mean, there's some [foul] niggas out there [in the streets]; the same niggas that did Malcolm X, the same niggas that did Jesus Christ; every brother ain't a brother. They will do you. So just because it's black, don't mean it's cool. And just because it's white don't mean it's evil.
**From an interview with Tupac Shakur.

* But I know for a fact that had I had a father, I'd have some discipline. I'd have more confidence. Your mother cannot calm you down the way a man can. Your mother can't reassure you the way a man can. My mother couldn't show me where my manhood was. You need a man to teach you how to be a man. When I was young I was quiet, withdrawn. I read a lot, wrote poetry, kept a diary. I watched TV all day. I stayed in front of the television. It was when I was in front of the TV by myself, being alone in the house by myself, having to cook dinner by myself, eat by myself. Just being by myself and looking at TV, at families and all these people out there in this pretend world. I knew I could be part of it if I pretended too, So early on I just watched and emulated ... and I just thirsted for that. I thought if I could be and act like those characters, act like those people, I could have some of their joy. If I could act like I had a big family I wouldn't feel as lonely.

==Discography==
* ''2Pacalypse Now'' (1991)
* ''Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z'' (1993)
* ''Thug Life: Thug Life Vol. 1'' (1994)
* ''Me Against the World'' (1995)
* ''All Eyez on Me'' (1996)
* ''Makaveli: The Don Killuminati: 7 Day Theory'' (1996)
* ''R U Still Down?'' (1997)
* ''2Pac's Greatest Hits'' (1998)
* ''Still I Rise (2Pac + Outlawz)'' (1999)
* ''The Lost Tapes'' (1989/released 2000)
* ''The Rose that Grew from Concrete'' (2000)
* ''Until the End of Time'' (2001)
* ''Better Dayz'' (2002)
* ''Tupac Resurrection'' (2003)
* ''Nu-Mixx Klazzics'' (2003)
* ''2Pac Live'' (2004)
* ''Loyal to the Game'' (2004)
* ''The Rose Vol. 2'' (2005)
* ''Live At The House Of Blues (with Outlawz, Dogg Pound, Snoop Dogg, K-Ci &amp; JoJo)'' (2005)
* ''Pac's Life'' (2006)
* ''Best Of 2Pac Vol 1:Thug'' and ''Vol 2:Life'' (2007)

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://www.2paclegacy.com 2Pac Legacy] (Official website)
* [http://ohhla.com/YFA_2pac.html OHHLA.COM - verified lyrics archive]
*[http://www.strictlyballin.net Strictlyballin.net] - (2Pac Fansite)
*[http://www.thugz-network.com 2Pac] - (Fansite)
*[https://lovequotesz.com/tupac-shakur-quotes/ 2PAC SHAKUR QUOTES]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Shakur, Tupac Amaru}}
[[Category:1971 births]]
[[Category:1996 deaths]]
[[Category:Musicians from the United States]]
[[Category:Poets from the United States]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:People from California]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Rappers from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Murdered people]]

Best that ever did it, but couldn't got away with it, he's returning back soon though just watch and see, bend on your knees, pray and expect him like you expect Jesus to come back.</text>
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    <title>Madonna (entertainer)</title>
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      <text bytes="136139" xml:space="preserve">{{Autor
| Nome = Madonna
| Photo = Madonna Rebel Heart Tour 2015 - Stockholm (23051472299) (cropped).jpg
| Wikisource = 
| Wikipedia = Madonna
| Wikicommons = Category:Madonna (entertainer)
}}
'''[[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna Louise Ciccone]]''' (born [[16 August]] [[1958]]), known simply by her first name '''Madonna''', is an American pop singer-songwriter, dancer, and actress.
She has been often referred to, by the media, as the 'Queen of pop'.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=55387]&lt;/ref&gt; Madonna's record company credited her as having sold over 300 million records worldwide.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=97678]&lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes ==
* I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it's quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.okmagazine.com/news/madonna-misses-certain-things-about-being-married|title=Madonna Misses &quot;Certain Things&quot; About Being Married|publisher=[[w:OK!|OK!]]|date=2012-01-12}}

* To rule the world. 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/timeline.html|title=Madonna Timeline|publisher=[[w:CNN|CNN]]}}
** (When asked what she wanted to do, on &quot;American Bandstand&quot;, 1983.)

* Now there's no point in placing the [[blame]] &lt;br/&gt; And you should know I'd [[suffer]] the same
** ''[[w:Frozen (Madonna song)|Frozen]]'' (February 23, 1998) from the album ''{{w|Ray of Light}}'' (March 3, 1998), cowritten with [[Patrick Leonard]].

* &quot;A lot of people are just really confused by me; they don’t know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6836901.ece?token=null&amp;offset=0&amp;page=1|title=Madonna Interview:Sunday Times Culture|publisher=[[w:The Times|The Times]]|date=2009-09-20}}

* Better to live one year as a tiger, than a hundred as sheep. 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom|title=Madonna: 50 Years Of Wit And Wisdom|publisher=[[w:The Insider|The Insider]]}}

* &quot;I love horses. I think I may have been one of Henry VIII’s knights in another life, riding through a great forest.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a119799/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-madonna.html|title=The wit and wisdom of Madonna|publisher=[[w:Digital Spy|Digital Spy]]|date=2008-08-15}}

* &quot;I just like the idea of pills. I like to collect them but not actually take them. When I fell off my horse, I got tons of stuff: Demerol and Vicodin and Xanax and Valium and Oxycontin, which is supposed to be like heroin. And I'm quite scared to take them. I'm a control freak.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-rolling-stone-december-01-2005|title=Madonna Interview : Rolling Stone|publisher=[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]|date=2005-12-01}}

* &quot;I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113175,00.html|title=Madonna|publisher=[[w:People (magazine)|People]]|date=1992-07-27}}

* &quot;I wanted to be a boy when I was growing up because I was in love with all of the male dancers I knew and they were all gay. And I thought, Well, if I was a boy, they'd love me. So I got into role-playing then. That's where it began. I remember when I was still in high school, I had cut my hair off really short, and I was totally anorexic - I had no boobs - and I would dress like a boy and go to gay clubs and my goal was to trick men into thinking I was a boy.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/1999/dec/12/life1.lifemagazine1|title=Ray Of Light|publisher=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]|date=1999-12-01}}

* &quot;I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=https://books.google.ru/books?id=9ugCQfxwym0C|title=Confessions of a Madonna|publisher=[[w:Spin magazine|SPIN]]|date=1985-05-01}}

* &quot;I liked my body growing up and I wasn't ashamed of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time.&quot; 
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-biggest-mother-of-them-all-1358620.html|title=The biggest mother of them all |publisher=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]|date=1996-10-16}}

* &quot;She never had public favor; it was a bit like the Hillary Clinton thing. She did all the right things for her country, but she wasn't ultimately revered. So she had a conversation with her confidant-adviser. She asked him, when have they ever looked up to or idolized a woman? Only one, he told her, the Virgin Mary. So she said, Then I will become like the Virgin Mary, and she did. She created a facade for herself; she stopped having lovers; she became like a virgin. She became sexless, and painted her face in a white alabaster way, and turned herself into an icon that was untouchable and sexless, and then she had everybody's respect.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-aperture-magazine-summer-1999|title=Madonna Interview : Aperture Magazine (Summer 1999)|publisher=[[w:Aperture|Aperture]]}}
** (About Queen of England, [[Elizabeth I]].)

* &quot;Phallic symbols. You know Catholics. I used to draw people naked all the time in my art class and my nun teachers used to tell me I had to put clothes on them. So I just drew lines around their bodies. See-through clothes.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-island-magazine-october-1983|title=Madonna Interview : Island Magazine (October 1983)|publisher=[[w:Island Magazine|Island]]|date=1983-10-01}}
**(When asked what she used to draw as a kid). 

* &quot;Fame is a by-product. Fame is something that should happen because you do work that speaks to people and people want to know about your work. Unfortunately the personality of people has taken over from the work and the artistry and it's this thing now that stands on its own. I don't think one should ever aspire to being famous.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-may-2008|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine (May 2008)|publisher=[[w:Q magazine|Q]]|date=2008-05-01}}

* &quot;I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I'm pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can't explain it, I just know. I'm good at fighting - fighting with a big sword.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Madonna-23560.html|title=Madonna's Japanese past|date=2008-11-13|publisher=femalefirst.com}}

* &quot;This is a historical evening. This is fucking important evening... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other. This is the beginning of a whole new world. Open your fucking head!&quot;
** {{cite web|url=http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/nov/07/dont-cry-her-vegas/|title=Don’t cry for her, Vegas|publisher=[[w:Las Vegas Sun|Las Vegas Sun]]|date=2008-11-07}}
** Madonna Onstage in San Diego on election night, congratulated President-elect Barack Obama before a giant projected backdrop of an Obama campaign poster that read, “WE WON.” It ended with Madonna getting the crowd to chant “We are one!” 

* If we can elect an African American as president, we can support gay marriage! Defeat prop 8! We will not give up! 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.sundaytimes.lk/081109/International/sundaytimesinternational-07.html|title=Madonna says it's time US says “I do” to gay marriage|publisher=The Sunday Times|date=2008-11-09}}

* &quot;One is that we are all responsible for our actions, our behavior, and our words, and we must take responsibility for everything we say and do. When you get your head wrapped around that, you can no longer think of life as a series of random events - you participate in life in a way you didn't previously. I am the architect of my destiny. I am in charge. I bring that to me, or I push that away. You can no longer blame other people for things that happened to you. The other is that there is order in the universe, even though it looks like chaos. We separate the world into categories: this is good and this is bad. But life is set up to trick us. It's a series of illusions we invest in. And ultimately those investments don't serve our understanding, because physicality is always going to let you down, because physicality doesn't last.&quot;
**{{cite web|url=http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2008/05/madonna200805|title=Madonnarama!|publisher=[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]|date=2008-05-01}}
**(About Kabbalah) 

* &quot;When I experienced what was going on first hand, I just got sucked into the whole thing. Thank God I did. I met some amazing people and, hopefully, I’ve changed the lives of a lot of children. Just as important, I think it’s been an incredible growing and learning experience for me.&quot; (About her work in Malawi).
**{{cite web|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=5251905|title=Celebrity Parade With Jeanne Wolf|publisher=[[w:ABC news|ABC]]|date=2008-06-27}}

* &quot;Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not allowed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-12F/10/content_6310487.htm|title=Madonna Refuses To Become A Victim of Ageism|publisher=chinadaily.com.cn|date=2007-12-18}}
** Madonna said it at 34 in [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]] interview ([http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.ru/2012/02/ageism-and-madonna-saying-fuck-you.html Ageism and Madonna]).

* &quot;Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you. God’s going to have his revenge.
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-april-2003|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine|publisher=Q|date=2003-04-01}}

* I hate polite conversation. I hate it when people stand around and go, 'Hi, how are you?' I hate words that don't have any reason or meaning. Also I hate it when people smoke in elevators and closed in places. It's just so rude.
** [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* I don't take drugs. I never did. All the feelings that drugs are supposed to produce in you - confidence or energy - I can produce naturally. The only problem is going to sleep. But I never take pills... I drink herbal teas.
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I think that life is a paradox and you have to embrace that in your work and your belief systems... you can't be a literalist, and that's the trouble that people always find themselves in. That's why people always hit a wall with any of my stuff, because you can't take it literally.
**[http://dazeddigital.com/article/388/1/madonna_worldwide_exclusive_in_dazed_and_confused ''Dazed &amp; Confused'' magazine 29 February 2008]

* One of my all-time favourite poets is Charles Bukowski. I think he's the coolest guy in the world.
**[http://www.madonnanews.net/citaty.html].

* I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.
** (''On Stage and On The Record'' 2003).

* Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.
** [http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom].

* &quot;That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure.&quot; 
**[http://www.thelpa.com/lpa/quotes.html Talking about Kabbalah]

* &quot;I am because we are. We all bleed the same color. We all want to love and be loved.&quot;
** [http://www.youtube.com/user/iambecauseweare About her documentary ''I Am Because We Are'']

* Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
** From ''The Great Rock 'N' Roll Quote Book'' [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* Every time I do a show, I die a little bit, but no shit is worth doing unless you're willing to die for it.
**[http://www.powerhousebooks.com/madonna_confessions/ From ''Madonna Confessions'' book by Guy Oseary]

* &quot;I pay attention to what’s going on around me. I’m always looking for new energy, new talent, new voices. When you do that I think it’s easier to come up with fresh ideas. It's not that my career has been based on surprising people, but it’s been about challenging myself — to constantly do new things that are going to broaden my own mind and in the process, hopefully, connect with other people.&quot; 
**[http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/archive/pc_0179.html ''Parade'' magazine 24 June 2008]

* &quot;Family is everything. Family comes first. It's not what I expected it to be, but nothing ever is.&quot; 
**[http://www.familyquotes4u.com/2009/03/family-quotes-page-8.html] 
**(In ''Brilla Mare Ariake'' ads).

* &quot;Now that I got everyone's attention, what do I have to say?&quot; 
**([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]).

* &quot;I'm not going to compromise my artistic integrity.&quot; 
**(Spoken in her documentary [[w:Truth_or_Dare_(Madonna_documentary)|Truth or Dare]]).

* &quot;I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true.&quot; 
**(Spoken at the beginning of the [[w:The_Virgin_Tour|Virgin Tour]] concert video).

*I have a cage&lt;br/&gt;It's called the stage&lt;br/&gt;When I'm let out&lt;br/&gt;I run about&lt;br/&gt;And sing and dance and sweat and yell&lt;br/&gt;I have so many tales to tell&lt;br/&gt;I like to push things to the edge&lt;br/&gt;And inch my way along the ledge&lt;br/&gt;I feel like God, I feel like shit&lt;br/&gt; The paradox, an even split&lt;br/&gt;It's just a job, I always say&lt;br/&gt;I should be grateful everyday&lt;br/&gt;Sometimes I think I just can't do it&lt;br/&gt;But I persist and I get through it&lt;br/&gt;And I console myself each night&lt;br/&gt;At least my cage is filled with light.
** Short poem from ''[[w:I'm_Going_to_Tell_You_a_Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''.

* I haven't got much time to waste&lt;br/&gt;It's time to make my way&lt;br/&gt;I'm not afraid of what I'll face&lt;br/&gt;But I'm afraid to stay. 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Jump_(Madonna_song)|Jump]]).

* &quot;Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.&quot; 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Justify My Love|Justify My Love]]).

* &quot;Most priests are gay.&quot; 
**(Said in ''[[w:I'm Going to Tell You a Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]'').

* &quot;Come on girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it.&quot; 
**(Lyric From [[w:Express Yourself (Madonna song)|Express Yourself]]).

* &quot;I was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting the donuts jelly all over the customers.&quot;
** [http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1074-Changing-Jobs-Before-They-Made-It-Big/?ArticleID=1074&amp;cbRecursionCnt=1&amp;cbsid=2cff0592cadd497eb4f83b543bacdaca-290878106-RC-4&amp;ns_siteid=ns_xx_g_I_was_sacked_from_Dun_]
** About working in Dunkin' Donuts in New York before becoming famous.

* &quot;Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac.&quot; 
**(Lyric from &quot;Forbidden Love&quot;, [[w:Bedtime Stories (Madonna_album)|Bedtime Stories]]).

* &quot;The cross is a very powerful symbol and it symbolizes suffering, but it also is connected to a person who was loving and sharing and his message was about unconditional love. I tried to take a powerful image and use it to draw attention to a situation that needs attention. For me, we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself and these are people in need.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm Explaining the controversial crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour]

* &quot;I fear the future I wish for my children is at risk, so I'm taking action. Please join me. Our greatest risk is not terrorism, and it's not Iraq or the &quot;Axis of Evil&quot;. Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the “what's in it for me?” syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.&quot; 
**[http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,107771,00.html From Madonna's open letter about the War in Iraq &amp; the Bush administration]

* &quot;It takes a Real man to fill my shoes.&quot; 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kIqualuElwSaid Said during The VMA's '99, after number of men put a drag show dressed as her]

* &quot;Maybe I'm just a gay man inside a woman's body!&quot; 
**(Talking to Michael Parkinson in November '05 interview).

* &quot;I don't care if you have a small dick, as long as you know how to use that stick.&quot; 
**(From [[w:The_Girlie_Show_World_Tour|The Girlie Show]]).

* &quot;Hey you! Don't be silly! Put a rubber on your willie!&quot; 
**(Poem written for AIDS P.S.A).

* &quot;No man can have sex with anyone but me and since I don't have that kind of time on my hands, you might as well all be gay!&quot; 
**(Joked during Johnjay and Rich interview, 11 April '08).

* &quot;I'll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers.&quot; 
**[http://www.thequotegenerator.com/chat/page/quote-generator-chat-guidelines]

* &quot;If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off, just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick!&quot; 
**(Singing 'I Love New York' at Coachella Festival 2006).

* &quot;When I came to New York it was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi-cab, the first time for everything. And I came here with 35 dollars in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done.&quot; 
**[https://www.beautyelife.net/madonna-age-children-life-biography/].

* &quot;For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am attracted to a thug. I like that quality, but I like the other side of it, too. Because all guys who go around behaving in macho ways are really scared little girls. So you have to look beneath the surface. There's a difference between my ideal man and a man that I'm sexually attracted to, believe me. Therein lies the rub.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;Hollywood is about playing the game, and I can't think of any successful actresses who didn't play the game. there's a lot more renegades in the music business, from Patti Smith to Janis Joplin.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;David Bowie has a huge influence on me because his was his first concert I went to see. I remember watching him and thinking I didn't know what sex he was, and it didn't matter. Because one minute he was wearing body stockings - the whole Ziggy Stardust thing - and the next minute he was the Thin White Duke in white double-breasted suits, and there's something so androgynous about him. And I think androgyny, whether it's David Bowie or Helmut Berger, that has really really influenced my work more than anything.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.&quot; 
**[http://www.girlscantwhat.com/2007/10/15/i-am-my-own-experiment/]

* &quot;When I got my first paycheck, $5'000 or something. I bought a Leger and I bought a Frida Kahlo self-portrait, but I don't know which came first. But I remember buying it and I had just gotten married and it looked completely out of place in my house in Malibu.&quot; (When asked what was the first painting she bought). 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I've always been kind of obsessed with Frida Kahlo, so I was really into the idea of getting something that belonged to her. And then from Frida Kahlo I found out about Tina Modotti and then I started collecting her stuff and Edward Weston, and one person always leads to another person with me, because for me it started with Diego Rivera, then it went to Frida Kahlo, then it went to Tina, and Edward and... Also, if you're into Picasso, and you want to find out about him and that whole area of art and European culture, then you start reading about Man Ray and the surrealists and Andre Breton, and all of a sudden you're in that whole world and you start having interests in other people. It's like a disease.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I've succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks.&quot;  
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/q-magazine-may-2008 ''Q'' Magazine May 2008]

* &quot;When in doubt act like god&quot;. 
**[http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2004/oct/31/usa.religion ABC 20/20 interview 2004]

* &quot;One must dare to show what he wants. You have to go and ask for things rather than wait for them to happen.&quot; 
**(Crillon Hotel, Paris, November 1998).

* &quot;I'd like to think I am taking people on a journey; I am not just entertaining people, but giving them something to think about when they leave.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm].

* &quot;One set of circumstances does not complete you. Maybe nothing ever does. So you work on your life and you work on your 'work' and you try to live every single day like it's your last. And you try to be better, to yourself and to others. I don't always succeed. But I try and it's my goal.&quot; 
**[http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/liz-smith-living-legend-madonna-398128?page=0%2C0]

* &quot;I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.&quot; 
**[http://www.studyworld.com/newsite/Quotes/QuoteByTopic.asp?i=Dream]

* I'm everything!
**[http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-everything-entertainment-news-report.html].

* Italians do it Better 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nE1J0lKpY]
** (From the famous T-shirt she wears in the video [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa Don't Preach]] at the minute 1:10.)

* Life's too short to be bitter, I'm too short to be bitter.
**[http://www.last.fm/user/helena_wanje].

* Beauty is where you find it.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Vogue_(song)|Vogue]]).

* Absolutely no regrets.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Human Nature (Madonna_song)|Human Nature]]).

=== On The Late Show with David Letterman (1994) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRSP5ZUmxP8= The show online]&lt;/small&gt;

* Madonna: &quot;Is that a rug?&quot; ''(referring to David Letterman's hair)''.

* Letterman: ''(after the singer brands him a &quot;sick fuck&quot;)'' &quot;You realize this is being broadcast don't you?&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;I am a sick fuck I have my nose in everybody's sex life!&quot;

=== From [[w:Sex (book)|Sex]] book ===

* &quot;Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once.&quot;

* &quot;Then there are guys who say 'I have never fantasized about being with a man.' They are lying. And the least offensive men I've been with in terms of their sexual politics and how they view me as a woman, have been men who have either slept with men, or at least kissed or held a man once. It opens up your thinking. You don't think that women are less-than you are.&quot;

* &quot;My pussy has nine lives.&quot;

* &quot;A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.&quot;

* &quot;I think I have a dick in my brain. I don't need to have one between my legs.&quot;

== Quotations about Madonna ==
{{cleanup|2009-08-18}}

===Family===
* '''[[w:Christopher Ciccone|Christopher Ciccone]]''':
** &quot;I was born my mother's son, but I will die my sister's brother. I no longer balk at the truth, because when all is said and done and written, I am truly proud that Madonna is my sister and always will be.&quot; [http://madgenetwork.blogspot.com/2008/07/life-with-my-sister-madonna-intro.html]
** &quot;It was fucking endless. Every time we went to his goddamn house in Malibu, from the moment we arrived until the moment we left: 'Marry me, just marry me.' And she [Madonna] was like, 'Hahaha.' He was endless.&quot; (on David Geffen constantly asking Madonna to marry him) [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/07/wayne_ciccone200807?currentPage=2]

* '''[[w:Guy Ritchie|Guy Ritchie]]''':
** &quot;Funnily enough, we took out the bits that my wife recommended we take out the first time she saw it.&quot; (About his film, ''Revolver'') [http://www.beautyandthedirt.com/show.asp?ID=2434]
** &quot;It works because, first, I love her. That helps in a marriage. I actually like her, which is even more rare in a marriage.&quot; (About being married to Madonna) [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;new_topic=8]
** ''Interviewer'': &quot;who’s in charge at home?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;I’ve got to tell you, we’re just like any other married couple.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Interviewer'': &quot;So she’s in charge?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;Yes!&quot; [http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSLAU66309020071206]
** &quot;She is brilliant and brilliant at what she does.&quot; [http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article19677.ece]
** &quot;She's a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.&quot; [http://www.esquire.com/features/guy-ritchie-interview-1109-3#ixzz0UbMeBVMe].

* '''[[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]]''': &quot;I've known her since I was 15 and she was 17, longer than I've known my wife. We have had a great relationship, and part of that was because I never needed anything from her. I recognised that we were in two different occupations. Not to disparage one ounce of her musicality, I was always of the belief that her persona was her career. Whether she was making a movie or writing a song or punching a photographer, it was all pushing a persona forward, and that was the real body of work. I was never tempted to slip a song to her at thanksgiving.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1124]

* '''[[Sean Penn]]''':
** &quot;She was in the process of becoming the biggest star in the world. I just wanted to make my films and hide. I was an angry young man. I had a lot of demons and don't really know who could have lived with me at the time. I was just as badly behaved as her, so I can't point the finger of blame.&quot; [http://www.allmovieportal.com/c/seanpenn.html]
** &quot;She was a phenomenon, but nothing could have told anybody what would happen next. I describe that marriage as loud. That's how I remember it. I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage. I've talked to her a few times since, and there's a whole person there. I just didn't know it. I was just living in my own head. Who was it that said: 'Men are vain, particularly young men'? That was me, and I liked to drink a lot. [http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/?jp=mhmhojsnkfcw]
** &quot;[She's] very real, very sensitive.&quot; [http://showbiz.sky.com/Sean-Glad-I-Ditched-Madge]
** &quot;Nothing that I could possibly some up with is as important as her. No whale, no nuclear war, no starving nation is more important, either.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

===Music Industry===
* '''[[w:William Orbit|William Orbit]]''': &quot;You know, she hasn't shouted about her musical abilities, but she is the consummate songwriter. She listens to classic musicals a lot. Not just the obvious ones, like ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'', but the lesser ones. I remember one time we all had dinner in Germany, and somebody brought up old musicals, and she was the one who knew all the verses. And she writes really solid, melodic stuff like that.&quot;[https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/madonna-cant-stop-the-music-164212/]

* '''[[w:Sting|Sting]]''': &quot;She's outrageous, she's provocative, she's inscrutable. And over the years, we've all been witnessed to her evolution, from street smart kid sister to virgin bride, from sex goddess to a yogi. Her mind is as celebrated as her body, she's as feared as she's desired, she leads while others follow... A woman who is all woman, and all women.&quot; [http://wherethereswil.blogspot.com/2007/12/music-makes-people-come-together.html].

* '''[[Janet Jackson]]''': &quot;I think she's done wonderful things. She's done great things in her career, in her life, and more power to her.&quot;[http://www.janet-love.com/2008/02/29/janet-speaks-to-hx-magazine/ HX magazine March 2008]

* '''[[w:Mary J. Blige|Mary J. Blige]]''': &quot;I don't think the music business, as far as females, would be anything without Madonna.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] 

* '''[[Tupac Shakur]]''': &quot;I was letting people dictate who should be my friends. I felt like because I was this big Black Panther type of nigga, I couldn't be friends with Madonna. And so I dissed her, even though she showed me nothing but love. I felt bad, because when I went to jail, I called her and she was the only person that was willing to help me.&quot; [http://www.thugz-network.com/Tupac~Shakur~Interview~Ready~To~Live.php]

* '''[[Marilyn Manson]]''': &quot;I watched a screening of her [Madonna's] film and I was sitting right next to her, which to me was exciting still. I’m not jaded enough to not be excited by that.&quot; [http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=2]

* '''[[w:Sinéad O'Connor|Sinéad O'Connor]]''': &quot;I love her, I adore her and I respect her. I pity her for all the analysis she has to put up with.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sinnead]

* '''[[Cyndi Lauper]]''':
** &quot;What's your issue? You know how many old geezers do you see with young women. What's the double standard? Who cares? You know, they're both adults. Who cares? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.&quot; (When asked about what she thinks about Madonna dating younger man). [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/cyndi_lauper_applauds_madonnas.html]
** &quot;It's so inspiring to see her work and she's got some spunk.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html]
** &quot;We’re both admirers of each others work.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/cyndi-lauper-and-madonna-to-team-up-this-year/47051/]

* '''[[w:Mirwais|Mirwais]]''': &quot;Once I collaborated with the Queen Bee, whoever came after her seemed a little boring to me! Many came to ask me to produce tracks, from Depeche Mode to [[Jennifer Lopez]], but I said no to all of them!&quot; [http://www.absolumentmadonna.fr/artworks/20090529-BREVES02en.png]

* '''DJ Enferno''': &quot;She has so much knowledge– she’s been in the business for so long, she’s got so many good ideas, and she’s really witty, that was one surprising thing that I found out about her. She’s really sharp and she’ll kind of bust your chops a little bit.&quot; [http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/052209_local_dj_spins_on_madonnas_tour]

* '''[[w:Seymour Stein|Seymour Stein]]''': &quot;I was in the hospital, I had her come see me in the hospital, we talked a deal in the hospital and we did the deal in the hospital. Within days, even before I got out of the hospital, she was starting to record what became her first single, Everybody, and we were off and running. I saw her staunch determination and I knew she would work as hard as I did and much harder, in fact. And that's what you need in an artist. She worked harder than anybody. I just saw her perform in Berlin, and she still works harder than anybody.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7661105.stm].

* '''[[w:Shakira|Shakira]]''': &quot;I admire Madonna because she always did whatever she felt like doing. She went through some controversial periods when people rejected her, but she kept on reinventing herself.&quot; [http://www.tv.com/shakira/person/86809/biography.html].

* '''[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]]''': &quot;She's a genius, she can do no wrong.&quot; ''[[w:Behind the Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]''.

* '''[[w:Daddy G.|Daddy G.]]''': &quot;Working with Madonna is something to tell to your grandsons.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#daddy]

* '''[[w:DJ Gordon Edge|DJ Gordon Edge]]''': &quot;She is very natural. I did not get to know her as a person but she is down-to-earth and straightforward. She just speaks her mind.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19352]

* '''[[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]]''': &quot;I was sitting around thinking I should do something. I was thinking about design school. A friend said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do an album.' But I like privacy and I like my space. I like being with my family. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You can't be like 'Don't touch me.' to your fans or saying 'I don't want to sign autographs.' I think I was exhausted for a lot of years. I have to take my hat off to people like Madonna. They keep doing it.&quot; [http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/features_fashion/2009/05/donna-summer-disco-crayons-pop-concert-stamp-your-feet.html].

* '''[[Ayumi Hamasaki]]''': &quot;I really like Madonna. What I admire is she's made it on her own terms.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20020403141617/http://www.time.com/time/asia/features/ayumi_hamasaki/int_ayumi2.html].

* '''[[Björk]]''':
** &quot;Just the fact that she made it look good to control your own life when that was something that was not supposed to be very sexy for a woman. She's one of the few women who has remained true to herself and been a character.&quot; [http://violet.abc.se/~m8996/bjork/interviw/rs-no695.html]
** &quot;I really respect Madonna and I think she's quiet attractive a person, but, although it's not her fault, it does exist a world that surrounds her and spoils everything. It's not her, it's the media and all of this. I received an offer to write a lyric and a melody for her, and I felt quite honored.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#bjork]

* '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]]''': &quot;I love Madonna. I do! Definitely. It all works for Madonna. I mean, I couldn’t do a lot of the things she does, but it works for her. I watched the &quot;Human Nature&quot; music video for the &quot;Check On It&quot; video even though it didn't come out anything like it. I wanted to do something like that but we didn't have time to do it because it was just a 12-hour shoot.&quot; [http://www.me-me-me.tv/2007/05/25/beyonce-exclusive-other-ways-madonna-has-inspired-me/]

* '''[[Rihanna]]''':
** &quot;I want to be the black Madonna.&quot; [http://www.entertainmenthit.com/madonna/rihanna_wants_to_be_madonna.html]
** &quot;When I did that Metallic stuff for my &quot;Umbrella&quot; video, I didn't do it to show my body. I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected and I looked hot. I just find myself leaning towards stuff that only Madonna can pull off.&quot; [http://whimsycrusader.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear-paper-magazine.html].

* '''[[w:Sean Combs|Sean Combs]]''': &quot;I'd like to do something with Madonna in Malawi. I see what she does and I think it's fantastic. I'd like to help in any way I can.&quot; [http://www.hollyscoop.com/p-diddy/pdiddy-wants-to-join-madonnas-malawi-campaign_16235.aspx]

* '''[[w:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]]''': &quot;I know Madonna as a mother, and she’s exemplary, the love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/25/AR2006102501003.html].

* '''[[Bono]]''': &quot;Madonna should be applauded for helping to take a child out of the worst poverty imaginable and giving him a better chance in life. Baby David is lucky to have been adopted by someone who can give him a chance of survival in this world and I don't think it's fair that people are criticizing her.&quot; [http://www.nme.com/news/madonna/25047]

* '''[[w:Melanie Brown|Melanie Brown]]''': &quot;It's easy for critics to knock celebrities who choose to adopt, but it's a good thing that Madonna's doing. Not only is she highlighting the plight of orphans in Africa, she's also giving this little girl the chance of a better life.&quot; [http://news.superiorpics.com/2009/04/12/BROWN_BACKS_MADONNA_ADOPTION_BID.html].

* '''[[Britney Spears]]''': [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm]
** &quot;I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.&quot;
** &quot;I would really, really, really like to be a legend like Madonna. Madonna knows what to do next, and when she's performing, the audience is just in awe of her.&quot;
** &quot;I really love 'Like a Prayer' because it was the first one I learned every word to.&quot; (2008).

* '''[[Jon Bon Jovi]]''': &quot;Madonna has been incredibly important to the 1980s, musically... a little disco queen who... became an icon.&quot; (1990).

* '''[[Alice Cooper]]''': &quot;Look at Madonna; she did all the outrageous stuff, but she could sing. She was a great performer! If she got up there and she couldn't sing a lick, I'd go, 'Ok, this is a sideshow.' But, she can really sing.&quot; [http://www.noisecreep.com/2010/01/29/alice-cooper-loves-lady-gaga-and-madonna/]

* '''[[w:The Androids|The Androids]]''':
** '' &quot;I'd rather do it with Madonna&lt;br/&gt;She's what a woman's supposed to be&lt;br/&gt;Oh Madonna won't you do it with me?&lt;br/&gt;The only girl I'll ever need&lt;br/&gt;She's really got me on my knees&lt;br/&gt;Have you seen that film clip where she's wearing the cowboy hat and she's kicking the dirt.&quot; '' (from the song &quot;I'd Rather Do it with Madonna&quot;) [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/androids/doitwithmadonna.html].

* '''[[Robbie Williams]]''':
** &quot;I just want to say how much I enjoyed Madonna's performance. She is an absolute professional and she makes us all look like amateurs.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna is the ultimate in our day and age of the grass being greenest. Guy Ritchie is a lucky man. I do happen to fancy Madonna. She rehearses her arse off. Goes to the gym every day. She does all that stuff to get it spot-on and then she delivers. I'm in awe of her drive.&quot; [http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/daily-gossip/default.aspx?id=34877]

* '''[[Darren Hayes]]''':
** &quot;I’m fascinated by Madonna of all the famous people I have ever been introduced to, she was the only person who had that thing you imagine that Elvis or Marilyn Monroe had where you walk into a room and all the oxygen disappears in their direction.&quot; [http://www.pluggedinonline.com/read/read/a0004062.cfm]
** &quot;You know what? Everyone always talks about her image or her personality or her political stance. But for me it’s actually the voice and the songs. I think she is totally underrated as a vocalist and as a songwriter. She deserves so much more credit for her melodic sense and her emotive voice. I don’t know why people haven’t joined the dots yet but you can pretty much put her in a room with anyone and she’ll come up with the goods. That’s a producer right there. That’s a talent.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18619]
* &quot;What impressed me most? Her stamina, dedication and perfection. Her precision and respect for her body and the craft. What an icon! What a role model for women! I bow down to the one I truly serve!!&quot; [http://www.darrenhayes.com/dh/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=577&amp;Itemid=47]

* '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''':
** &quot;Her work ethic is very infectious in the studio. I was kind like, man, I'm too slow. She's a workhorse. I'm just a fan. I'm basically just a fan who, like, tricked Madonna.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=555]
** &quot;She's a very talented lady, There are definitely moments when I think, wow, I'm singing with Madonna. But she's so cool. She's very clever, very innovative. I was humbled working with her. She's fun to work with and she takes advice. Plus she has an amazing mind.&quot; [https://archive.is/20121230155638/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22209835-5006024,00.html]
** &quot;There’s only one Madonna. It was amazing. I’m still trying to figure out if she knew we were there, cause I was just constantly staring at her. I became like the weird stalker in the corner!&quot; [http://perezhilton.com/?p=4280#respond]
** &quot;As we were rehearsing she was running circles around me.&quot; [http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/11/67472/index.html]
** &quot;The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple. But there truly is only one Madonna. Though I’m pretty sure Little Richard would disagree, the truth is that nobody has ever gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while still looking this damn fine.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enA4OUzR2XM]
** &quot;People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah! We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?' She reached into her handbag, pulled a zip-lock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass and then she looks at me and she says, 'Nice top shelf.' It was one of the greatest days of my life. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTwqjefrUw]

* '''[[George Michael]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I'd never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!&quot; [http://www.startrip.tv/george_michael/index.html]
** &quot;In many respects, she's the perfect pop artist.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;pg=PA94&amp;lpg=PA94&amp;dq=%22she%27s+the+perfect+pop+artist%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=L055seRr75&amp;sig=tNidX_r1B9xEPHiqeQX8bgp0XFQ&amp;hl=iw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ct=result#PPA95,M1]

* '''[[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]]''': &quot;Madonna is the speedboat, and the rest of us are just the Go-Go's on water skis.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/19990204000533/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/Club/2471/lizpeers.html].

* '''[[Cher]]''': &quot;She could afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2005/nov/20/popandrock.madonna]

* '''[[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]]''': &quot;Madonna's the Queen of Pop, I'm the princess. I'm quite happy with that.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Timbaland]]''': &quot;Madonna's a funky lady, she's up for everything.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/tm_method=full%26objectid=18897798%26siteid=89520-name_page.html].

* '''[[w:Christophe Willem|Christophe Willem]]''': &quot;In music, the one who has reached the tops, it's Madonna.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17859]

* '''[[w:Damon Gough|Damon Gough]]''':
** &quot;I'd like to work on collaborations with some other artists like Madonna. She would be my first choice.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/badly%20drawn%20boy%20desperate%20to%20work%20with%20madonna_1024002]
** &quot;...I think Madonna might be the only person my girlfriend would forgive me for straying away just overnight with -- because I think she'd do the same.&quot; [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/badlydrawnboy/articles/story/5933746/badly_drawn_blows_off_madonna]

* '''[[w:Sophie Ellis-Bextor|Sophie Ellis-Bextor]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17998]
** &quot;She has this ability to have you in the palm of her hand again. I went to see her last year in the Confessions on a Dance Floor and it was brilliant, it was really inspiring.&quot;
** &quot;I think the thing that Madonna does, which I hope I can do, is that she has this ability to come across as quite austere at the beginning …not cold exactly but a little detached. But at the end of it she looks like she’s having a great time - she’s dancing, and you’re dancing, and it’s all great. I think that’s really clever how she gets that dynamic to work. You always feel at the end of it that you’ve somehow won her over. I don’t know, that’s a real…you know what I mean? Not everyone has that.&quot;

* '''[[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]]''': &quot;I think she's really great. I respect and admire her and think she's really talented.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael).

* '''[[w:Eugene Hutz|Eugene Hutz]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is a funny person, respectful and collaborative. I've been aware for a year that Madonna was a Gogol Bordello fan and in the end, we met trough mutual friends and we spoke a lot.&quot;
** &quot;I think she was very good and most of all she was scrupulous, that's something I think it's essential for a director. She knew what she wanted and she gave me total creative freedom, so for me it was an incredible experience.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=696]

* '''[[w:Marc Almond|Marc Almond]]''': &quot;It was a hell-hole. There were prostitutes upstairs, junkies downstairs and it was a bare room with a bed, nylon sheets, and a kitchenette with dirty plates and a lamp. I’ve always felt ashamed she stayed in such a pit. If I’d known in 1983 how big she’d become, I'd have cut up the sheets and sold them on ebay.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18182][http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18210]

* '''[[w:Tom Meighan|Tom Meighan]]''': &quot;Ooh, Madonna’s thighs! She reminds me of my old dance teacher, who I used to have a crush on. Who didn’t have a huge crush on Madonna when they were a kid? &quot;I’d marry her. If she came for me, I really would.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/entertainment-blog/2007/07/09/meighan-marry-me-madonna/]

* '''[[Don McLean]]''': &quot;Madonna is a colossus in the music industry and she is going to be considered an important historical figure as well. She is a fine singer, a fine songwriter and record producer, and she has the power to guarantee success with any song she chooses to record. It is a gift for her to have recorded 'American Pie.'I have heard her version and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess.&quot; [http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/12039019]

* '''[[w:Peter Hook|Peter Hook]]''': &quot;Madonna's like a Black Widow spider. She tends to use people, then they shrivel up and disappear. She sat there with her back to us, and Rob went up and said, 'We were wondering if you wanted to appear later at the club', and she just went, 'Fuck off.'&quot; [http://earsucker.com/2009/11/09/peter-hook-calls-madonna-a-black-widow-spider]

* '''[[w:Steve Bray|Steve Bray]]''': &quot;If people feel exploited by Madonna - that's resentment of someone who's got drive. It seems like you're leaving people behind or you're stepping on them, and the fact is you're moving and they're not... Madonna doesn't care if she ruffles someone's feathers.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Pet Shop Boys]]''': &quot;Madonna always looks ahead, both for looks and sounds, just like we do.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18386]

* '''[[w:Fran Healy|Fran Healy]]''': &quot;I had a massive crush on Madonna when I was a kid, I mean it was huge. It was worrying. I just thought she was amazing.&quot; [http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/showbiz-news/showbiz-news/2008/10/27/i-used-to-have-crush-on-madonna-admits-travis-star-fran-healy-86908-20844000/]

* '''[[Dave Grohl]]''': &quot;...It could be Madonna, if she wants to come do a couple of shots of Jagermeister with her friend Dave she's more than welcome to come into the room and I'll pour her some chilli shots of whisky, it'll be great!&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/grohl%20wants%20to%20party%20with%20madonna_1029232]

* '''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': &quot;She's strong, beautiful and a manipulator. Qualities which makes her to write great songs.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sonic]

* '''[[w:Stephen Malkmus|Stephen Malkmus]]''': &quot;She doesn't seem to run out of ideas, does she. I used to love her when I was 14 or so. I had a regular crush on her. I couldn't swear if it was her music that fascinated me, or the generous cleavage. But yeah, she was hot.&quot; [http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/pavement_int.htm].

* '''[[w:Pat Boone|Pat Boone]]''': &quot;[Madonna's] a talented tart.&quot; [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19901029&amp;slug=1101206]

* '''[[Natasha Bedingfield]]''': &quot;I have so much respect for Madonna after learning how hard it is to sing [&quot;Ray of Light&quot;]. She has an amazing voice - the range you need to sing the song is incredible.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1193]

* '''[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]]''': &quot;Lo and behold, Madonna's track came back and she'd sung the second verse, which was a huge bonus. I was really touched - for Madonna is very rigorous in what she gets involved in and for her to do that for me, I was thrilled to bits.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7027966.stm].

* '''[[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]]''': &quot;Madonna was so low key and so incognito that I hardly noticed her, and when I did it kinda caught me by storm. But honestly speaking, she's a really down to earth, really cool individual. I'm glad I got a chance to meet her – rub some of that energy off!&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[Fergie]]''': &quot;Oh MADONNA! You know, I saw her after her concert and I wanted to give her some positive words but I didn't want to talk too much to her because I understand what it feels like after a show when there's a lot of people in the room who want to see you. I wanted to give her some kind words but I didn't want to take up her time. I really wanted to ask her some more questions but I doubt it would have been as exciting for her as it was for me! But if I ever got the chance to sit down with her I think I'd want to ask her some advice questions and I would love to collaborate with her. That would be amazing.&quot; [http://www.ahlanlive.com/7974-fergie-interview?imgN=0]

* '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''':
** &quot;She's been nothing but nice to me. She's invited me to her house for dinner and clearly she's a huge inspiration to me musically.&quot; [http://www.exposay.com/gwen-stefani-says-madonna-invited-her-over-for-dinner/v/6447/]
** &quot;Some people say that I copy her, But show me one girl my age who was not influenced by her.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/stefani%20i%20didnt%20copy%20madonna]
** &quot;My grandpa first moved to Detroit from Rome. And my dad's mom's younger sister's husband's mother is a Ciccone [like Madonna].&quot; (Gwen Stefani claiming to be related to Madonna.) [http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15727]
** &quot;A lot of my influence came from her early work, like directly, like a Xerox.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070111/4100/gwen-stefani-madonna-was-my-influence-but-not-impressed/]

* '''[[w:Donna De Lory|Donna De Lory]]''': [http://www.deanpiper.com/index.php/interviews/donna-de-lory-exclusive-interview]
** &quot;Pat knew our voices were going to be really good together so he asked us to do the bridge together and we started. She turned her back on me and at one point turned around and was like: “Why aren’t you singing?” and I told her I was and Pat then told her that I was singing and that our voices were in harmony. She then said: “Will you sing on all my records then….” And I was just standing there wondering if I had the job. I got it!&quot; (About auditioning for Madonna).
** &quot;I’ve learned so much from working with her – the power aspect about how to use what you have is an amazing thing. I learn more stuff about myself as I go along.&quot;
** &quot;When I first started working with her I just wanted to be like her – I think I misinterpreted a lot of things. The fame. I just tried to be like her and didn’t do things my own way. It was funny looking back on it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna gave me some great advice about my own career and really helped me to go for what I wanted to do – not what a record company told me. She always said I could do it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna wants to make people be a better person now. In the old days it was about her and nothing else – just like I was. We were all self centered. You have to be like that and take those steps to be a better person later down the line. To me you have to grow as you work your way through your life – that’s why we are here. It’s amazing that she can come from that sort of place where she started to being a humanitarian like she is now. Coming from just wanting to be famous and be adored by everything to wanting to love everybody. She’s incredible. It’s a complete turnaround. She wanted to be served by everyone and now she’s serving everyone.&quot;

* '''[[w:Mika|Mika]]''': &quot;Believe me, if I got asked to work with her, I certainly wouldn’t turn it down. Of all the women I’m fascinated by, she’s certainly up there.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19552]

* '''[[w:Stuart Price|Stuart Price]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is one of the kindest and most reasonable people you could hope to meet.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16660933&amp;method=full&amp;siteid=94762&amp;headline=madonna-exclusive--it-s-a-special-relationship-name_page.html]
** &quot;She's the perfect guest - but she did spill coffee on my white carpet by knocking a mug off a keyboard. I was amazed at just how well, using only a kitchen towel, she could draw the coffee out of the white carpet. The technique she had was to never rub, just to gently pad the carpet with the kitchen towel.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]
* &quot;You don't produce Madonna, you collaborate with her. She's a really good producer herself and obviously a great writer too. I've never worked with anyone before who is as genuine and as hands on as an artist as Madonna is. She's has her vision and knows how to get it. What's interesting with this one is that she's picked a DJ to make dance tunes for her to make songs, which is exactly what she's been doing since 1983 - hanging out with DJ's and making records.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]

* '''[[w:Ciara|Ciara]]''': &quot;She's a tough lady! She's a megastar, and that [media scrutiny] goes with the territory, But she's definitely put her foot down as a woman over the years and she's proven to be one of the best to me.&quot; [http://www.okmagazine.com/posts/view/9884/]

* '''[[w:Ashanti|Ashanti]]''': &quot;Yeah, Madonna is ''ill''. All the clamps and chains people had on what women can and cannot do — she just broke them. And I really wasn’t up on Madonna until my cousin — who’s six years older than me and my favorite relative on the planet; we’re more like sisters — when I was eight or nine I said, ‘Why you got these posters of that white lady all over your room?’ She's like, ‘This is Madonna!’&quot; [http://popdirt.com/ashanti-gives-props-to-that-white-lady-madonna/8600/]

* '''[[w:Pharrell|Pharrell]]''': &quot;She's a little baby tiger cub on the inside but outside she's as tough as anything. Once you are fighting with her you can't let your guard down, she'd beat your ass to a pulp. She could definetely beat me up. But you know, making Madonna cry has just cemented our relationship. We're tight now. Seriously tight. She's probably the best person I've ever collaborated with.&quot; (Manchester Free Magazine) [http://www.madonnamad.com/blog/?p=31]

* '''[[w:Danja|Danja]]''': &quot;She was cool. She had a dark sense of humor that I can’t explain. She might just say something crazy that you might feel is out of line. But it’s not. It’s just her sense of humor. She was in the studio chilling with us, being open and the whole nine.&quot; [http://blog.rhapsody.com/2008/02/exclusive-danja.html].

* '''[[w:Eric West|Eric West]]''': &quot;A lot of people make her out to be arrogant, and not fan friendly, but I can say otherwise, for such a superstar, she makes you feel as if you’re talking to an old friend.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=5011]

* '''[[w:Adam Lambert|Adam Lambert]]''':
** &quot;I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary. I was definitely the most starstruck with her. I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor. [http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/06/16/adam-lambert-star-struck-by-meeting-madonna/]
** I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem like a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision and her career has been so long because she has been able to come up with something new and keep people guessing and push people's buttons. I like that she's [[relevant]], she's always the next thing, she's always introducing us to the next wave of pop. I just think it would be an honor to work with her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/06/16/adam_lambert_talks_gay_celebrity_crushes]
** &quot;[Madonna] was incredible. I was a bit intimidated, but she was very, very warm. She gave me some advice on how to deal with the fame and the craziness. She said, 'You know, just keep your eye on the prize. Remember what it is that you want to accomplish. And try to ignore all the other crap'.&quot; [http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/index.jsp?author=lindsay+miller]
** &quot;...Some people freak out. And I'm like, why are you freaking out? I don't get that mentality. I've never felt like that about a celebrity before — except maybe Madonna. When I met Madonna my heart was racing. That's my one experience being star-struck. And I told her, 'I'm freaking out.' And she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because you're fucking Madonna.'&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/11/16/adam-lambert-wanda-sykes-out-100-cover-stars]

* '''[[w:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]''': &quot;I was trying to make a case for Madonna the other day, saying that she's to be admired for her longevity in a genre that has mostly been for younger acts. Men are able to sustain a career into their 50s and 60s and still present themselves as sex symbols. With women on the other hand, people say, 'Why doesn't she retire?' It's just so unfair. So I have to give props to Madonna.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/31/tracy-chapman-women-pop-usa]

* '''[[w:Randy Jackson|Randy Jackson]]''': &quot;Madonna knows the business and her art better than anyone.&quot; [http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-06-2008/In_Step_With...Randy_Jackson]

* '''[[Kim Wilde]]''': &quot;I had the top of the charts two years before Madonna came on the scene and stole my thunder. I remember seeing her and thinking, 'Here's trouble'! I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me, but I never disliked her. And I look at her now and think she's amazing. When I started doing yoga, I was inspired to look after my body. Now I love going for long walks, eating healthily and working out with a trainer.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/wilde%20madonna%20stole%20my%20crown_1067173]

* '''[[w:Belinda Carlisle|Belinda Carlisle]]''':
** &quot;I see her at gym quite often. We talk about which aerobics teachers are best. I think I have hyper-gymnasium but she works out much more than I do.&quot; [http://members.tripod.com/planeta_madonna/pagina_nueva_3.htm]
** &quot;I struggled with jealousy when Madonna released her great song 'Papa Don't Preach.' From her True Blue album, it was an instant hit that took radio by storm and soared to number one. But my problem was with Madonna herself, not the music. I looked at her body and thought, 'Oh my God, she looks phenomenal and it's because she's skinnier than me. I have to get that skinny.&quot; [http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2010/05/belinda.html|''Lips Unsealed'']

* '''[[w:Robyn|Robyn]]''':
** &quot;Having been a fan of Madonna since I was a little girl, I'm very excited about sharing a stage with her and playing to her audiences…I'm thrilled.&quot; [http://zxlcreative.blogs.com/electroqueer/2008/06/robyn-to-suppor.html]
** &quot;I got a chance to go on tour with Madonna in Europe and like any one who's been a fan of her since the age of ten I was super exited. When I met her at the end of the tour she was really cool and natural. I got a chance to thank her for putting me on and she even told me she was a fan! It was a very special moment I will never forget. She's an icon and a pioneer, but only Madonna can be Madonna. It would be sad to try to copy her model. Times are different nowadays as well. Even if I tried, it would be hard to build what she has achieved in the climate of the music industry today. I learned that next to the president of the United States of America, Madonna must be the most famous person on earth whose every little move is watched by millions and a complete security state is surrounding her! Watching her on stage during the tour I could tell that she was really enjoying herself. She is probably doing exactly what she wants to do and that´s why she is so inspiring. I want to be like that as well, I want to be myself.&quot; (About the experience of being on tour with Madonna on her ''Sticky and sweet'' tour) [http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-11-a-few-words-from-robynon-madonna#respond]

* '''[[Simon Cowell]]''':
** &quot;If you look into Madonna's eyes - or Whitney Houston's when she was at her peak - you see something there that other people haven't got. It's a steel, a sense of 'I am going to do it, whatever happens'. It's not necessarily a good character trait to have, but if you are going to make it in this business, you need it.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1370]

* '''[[w:Katy Perry|Katy Perry]]''':
** &quot;Of course I'd have Madonna's. She is the ultimate in female pop music, and she's like the Energizer bunny. Plus, she's got years on me and she looks my age still. She must have sacrificed something or sold her soul in exchange for continuing to be a world dominator in all things pop culture.&quot; (When asked if she could have any musician's career other than her own, whose would it be.) [http://www.popeater.com/2008/06/26/about-to-pop-katy-perry/]
** &quot;It was insane. I freaked out. My eyes swelled up with fluid, with tears, but I didn't cry. I was just very excited.&quot; (About when she heard that Madonna is a fan of her track 'Ur So Gay') [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a119416/katy-perry-wants-advice-from-madonna.html?imdb]
** &quot;Madonna invited me to one of her shows - I was summoned by the queen herself. I went backstage and I am never usually nervous but I lost it. I got so weak in the knees and I thought I was going to throw up. But I needn't have worried. She was cool. She was so petite. She comes up to my chest and I thought she was supposed to be a giant.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a135432/perry-i-nearly-threw-up-on-madonna.html?imdb]

* '''[[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]]''': &quot;I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.&quot; [http://www.romanization.com/personal/randy/LCRNinterview.html].

* '''[[w:Marina Diamandis|Marina Diamandis]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has always been a great icon for me. I felt I could relate to her. She took about five years to get to the point I'm at. I admire her determination and she challenges people as well, which can change our culture.&quot; [http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/content/eveningnews24/norwich-whats-on-guide/music/story.aspx?brand=ENOnline&amp;category=GoingOutMusic&amp;tBrand=ENOnline&amp;tCategory=xWhatsOn&amp;itemid=NOED12%20Feb%202010%2011%3A19%3A41%3A803]
** &quot;I read every biography on Madonna. It wasn’t just about getting tips. I felt connected with Madonna from a very young age. I think I share a lot of qualities from her personality. I really respect her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/Stephanie_Nolasco/2011/04/14/marina_and_the_diamonds_talks_burger_q]

* '''[[w:Jason Derulo|Jason Derulo]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is the sexiest woman in the world – it’s her confidence and as she gets older she seems to get sexier.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195/]
** &quot;I’d have to say it’s Madonna. She’s done a very good job of reinventing herself time and again. She’s been able to stand the test of time with every record, and she’s a new person every decade. That’s what I aspire to.&quot; (When asked who's the person he looks up to in terms of plotting out your career). [http://derulodaily.com/?p=617]

* '''[[Craig David]]''': &quot;Madonna is still sexy and cool. She’s had such an amazing career and has always been able to re-invent herself time and time again, and it’d be fascinating to chat to her about that over a couple of drinks.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195]

* '''[[Bette Midler]]''': &quot;She has pulled herself up by her own bra-straps... and has been known to let them down occasionally&quot;. [http://skin.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=8456631253]

* '''[[Carole King]]''': &quot;I think Madonna has a great deal of intelligence and capability. I have a lot of respect for her. She's taken her career and maximized it with intelligence and creativity.&quot; [http://www.quotesstar.com/quotes/i/i-like-her-boss-and-155186.html].

* '''[[w:Matthew Bellamy|Matthew Bellamy]]''': &quot;Ambition - whenever I hear the word, in my head, all I can think of is Madonna, for some reason. Very ambitious person and a great artist, certainly explores many avenues to get her name out there. I think she’s a very special lady.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/09/matthew-bellamy-muse-talks-about-madonna.php]

* '''[[w:David Foster|David Foster]]''':
** &quot;Madonna was great to work with because — I never really understood her mystique although I always liked her music. We met in New York, had dinner to discuss the album. And there was something so intoxicating about her. We were just the two of us at dinner and I was looking at her going, ‘Wow, she totally sucks you into her world. It’s like there’s nobody else in the restaurant.’ She had a great work ethic. A lot of artists, they want to be co producers just because they can. She wanted to be a co producer, but she earned it. She really knows her way around a studio. She works hard.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2005/05/david-foster-talks-about-madonna.php]
** &quot;Working with Madonna was an amazing experience for me. She is such a professional, always on time, her work ethic is unbelievable. I had a great time with her.&quot; [http://www.popeater.com/2009/10/07/david-foster-on-whitney-madonna-and-finding-the-next-big-thing/]

* '''[[w:Taylor Momsen|Taylor Momsen]]''': [http://www.wwd.com/markets-news/taylor-momsen-talks-madonna-fashion-and-music-3197115?module=today]
** &quot;She's amazing. All her songs are so great. They’re so well crafted and really perfect, pure, pop genius. I'm a big fan of &quot;Papa Don't Preach.&quot; I love that song. But really all of it is fantastic. She was the one who did it all first. She gave people like me an avenue to do what I'm doing. She was the one who started all the controversy to begin with.&quot;
** &quot;She was very down to earth. It was nice to see after all her success, she's still very grounded. It was cool to see her interaction with Lourdes. She's a cool mom. She shot a couple of the photographs herself at the end. She definitely has a vision and was very hands-on. It was really easy working with her. She's very comfortable to be around — very professional but a lot of fun.&quot;

* '''[[M.I.A.]]''':
** &quot;Once I discovered pirate radio, that’s what I grew up on. I was listening to Madonna and Paula Abdul and then I heard Public Enemy and Roxanne Shante. It was like, “Woah, what’s going on?” That really blew my mind. Then hearing Jamaican pirate radio—that was really exciting. Hearing Supercat and Mad Cobra seemed really amazing to me.&quot; [http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/rebel-girl]
** &quot;Madonna was truly unique.&quot; [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=9&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Madonna is the one. Madonna did amazing songs. She had an amazing sense of style, without a stylist. And she was flawed, and sometimes she admitted it. I’ll fight the fight for Madonna. [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=2&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Everybody was giving me Madonna records and then everyone was like you should listen to this and try and dress like it and I just never looked like Madonna because I was brown. So I decided to dress like Chuck D instead.&quot; [http://misc.vassar.edu/archives/2008/04/exclusive_inter.html]
** &quot;...The first house we stayed in and I watched 'Top of the Pops' and it was like- woah! It was the first music show that I saw on TV. I saw Madonna, Whitney Houston. It was amazing.&quot; [http://www.desiclub.com/desimusic/desimusic_features/music_article.cfm?id=202]

* '''[[w:Adam Ant|Adam Ant]]''': [http://thequietus.com/articles/04165-adam-ant-interview-oasis-lady-gaga-madonna-punk]
** &quot;There'd be no Gaga without Madonna so let's put it in fucking perspective…&quot;
** &quot;...Madge was doing that when I was doing it, you know? I saw Madonna outside the Music Machine before she even made it. I was doing a gig with the band in like '79. There was this chick outside from New York going 'I'm going to be a star' and it was her! And she's got some fucking balls you know?&quot;
** &quot;She's done as much as Dietrich did for fucking Hollywood stars. She's gone in and said 'Alright. I've been raped. Someone fucking stuck his dick in my gob in a back alley. I got up from that and I went in there and I had a big fight. And I won.' She fucking won, good luck to the woman.&quot;

* '''[[Jessica Simpson]]''': &quot;I think people are ready to hear something that Madonna used to do. We all need to hear that every now and again. It wasn't a sample or something I meant to do, but she did influence me and still does today. I hope to have the longevity of her career.&quot;[http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1537645/20060801/simpson_jessica.jhtml].

* '''Tracy Young''': [http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade/2010/12/dj_tracy_young_talks_real_hous.php]
** &quot;It’s hard to pick a favorite. [But] I would have to say Madonna. She is someone I really admire, look up to musically and career-wise. Every choice Madonna has made is mind-blowing to me&quot;. [when asked who's her favorite artist to work with]
** &quot;It was symbolic in some ways. I am in a field where you hear “No” a lot, especially because of my gender. So when Madonna and I started working together, it was like, “Yeah, I did it.” And her wedding was an honor to perform at because I felt like she trusted me [with] one of the biggest days of her life. I was completely honored and, to be honest, really nervous&quot;. [about DJing at Madonna's wedding]

* '''[[w:Christian Thielemann|Christian Thielemann]]''': &quot;I find this woman fascinating. Not just musically... I’d like to get to know Madonna a whole lot better.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130628111312/www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/01/heres_the_date_from_hell.html].

* '''[[w:John Benitez|John Benitez]]''': &quot;My first impression on meeting Madonna? I thought she had a lot of style. And she crossed over a lot of boundaries 'cos everyone in the rock clubs played her, the black clubs, the gay, the straight... and very few records have that appeal.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Kurt Cobain]]''': &quot;In a way I respect Madonna for the things she introduced because she introduced some subversive things and it has nothing to do with sex as far as I'm concern, I'm talking about the introduction to the vogue dance which originated in the gay clubs in 80', and she was always supportive of stuff like that which I think is really cool.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXp8KiAeDk]

* '''[[Shirley Manson]]''': &quot;I turned round and it's Madonna, and I'm thinking, 'Fucking hell, it's Madonna!' But I say 'hi' and she grabs my hand and she gives me the famous blink and says, 'I think you're amazing' in that tiny voice she has. And I'm thinking, 'OK, try and be cool, this is possibly the biggest pop icon of our life, be cool'. I tried to say something even remotely understandable and instead just garbled my words. I had high heels on and I hardly ever wear high heels, and I lurched towards her, and I could see the alarm on her face, thinking 'who the hell is this?' And I lurched off flustered without even saying goodbye. I always blow my big moments&quot; [http://www.garbage2.com/shirl_madonna.htm].

* '''[[Kelly Osbourne]]''': &quot;I've always been a huge, huge, huge fan of Madonna, but it completely changed my whole opinion of her -- made me like her even more once I met Lola because she's done a fantastic job with her. Madonna is one of my idols and my first single I ever released was a cover of 'Papa Don't Preach.' To have it come full circle -- now I'm actually doing something with her and her daughter -- it's just kind of like... ahhh!&quot;&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-osbourne-sings-madonnas-praises-shes-done-a-fantastic-job-raising-lourdes/57083]

* '''[[Lady Gaga]]''':
** &quot;She's the Queen, super theatrical and dramatic on stage, just like Pop Opera. And Madonna...I mean who can really mess with Madonna? Nobody! No, her stage, her videos are always amazing, and her visuals. It's about more than just the music. It's about the passion, it's about the whole package.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/08/lady-gaga-loves-madonna.html]
** &quot;There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally.&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lady-gaga-addresses-born-this-way-comparisons-to-madonnas-express-yourself-reveals-madonna-has-approved-of-new-song/56412]
** &quot;Madonna is the queen. I have so much and adoration for her. Being compared to her is unbelievably flattering, but in truth there is no one that can compare with Madonna. She is the queen!&quot;[http://ibnlive.in.com/news/i-cant-wait-to-come-to-india-lady-gaga/143405-45-75.html].

* '''[[w:Paul Oakenfold|Paul Oakenfold]]''': &quot;Madonna was without doubt one of the best artists I have ever worked with. She had so many fantastic ideas and really took her music seriously. You can tell that with Madonna, everything is about the music. She's a global name but still works tirelessly in the studio, puts on her best possible live gigs and puts 100 per cent into everything she does. &quot;She's really grounded too and easy to work with.&quot; [http://entertainment.stv.tv/music/266265-madonna-works-tirelessly-in-the-studio/]

* '''[[w:Brooke Candy|Brooke Candy]]''': &quot;She's so smart, I want to follow in her footsteps.&quot; [http://www.mtv.co.uk/brooke-candy/news/brooke-candy-interview]

* '''[[w:Alison Goldfrapp|Alison Goldfrapp]]''': 
** &quot;I'm always quite starstruck. The first time I met Madonna, I couldn't actually get off the chair to shake her hand. It must have appeared really rude but it was because I was totally gobsmacked that she'd just walked in and made a beeline for me. I don't think I actually managed to get any words out; I just sort of froze and grinned inanely.&quot;
** &quot;I don’t like Madonna’s music, but she’s an amazing pop star,’ she says. ‘She’s brilliant at borrowing other people’s ideas.&quot;

===Film and Television Industry===
* '''[[Marlene Dietrich]]''': &quot;I played vulgar, she ''is'' vulgar.&quot; (Marlene refused to meet Madonna, who wanted to remake ''The Blue Angel'' in the 80s.) &lt;ref&gt; Steven Bach, ''Marlene Dietrich: Life and Legend'' &lt;/ref&gt;
* '''[[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]]''': &quot;Madonna has a project in Malawi where she has genuinely affected the lives of about 250,000 children who are orphaned. I think that's a pretty generous person, not someone who should be criticized. That sort of generosity is pretty admirable.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629220955/www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1401452.php/Ashton_Kutchers_generous_Madonna]

* '''[[w:James Franco|James Franco]]''': &quot;After our kiss, Sean texted Madonna and said, 'I just popped my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don't know why.' &quot; [http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&amp;id=24151 ''Out'' magazine].

* '''[[w:Tony Ward|Tony Ward]]''': [http://rickcastro.com/tonyward.html]
** &quot;THAT LADY. I was never a fan. I saw her in that silly Lucky Star video in the early days of MTV, and I knew I would be reunited with my mother/ lover/ teacher/ friend/ bitch/ cheater/ liar/ goddess/ student/ poetess/ angel/ pain/ tears/ broken-heart/ inspiration/ intrigue/ and human awe. We fell hard immediately too much, too soon for the both of us. In the end, when you love something, let it go.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna as a talent? Superior to all; she is a classic. I wish she would sing the standards. That is what her voice is made for. When she would sing around the house, I would close my eyes and melt. I was so privileged to be there.&quot;
** &quot;She never knew how I really felt with her, and to put all the stories straight, those unauthorized biographies are all full of lies. You dummies, don't buy it. I was not her toy-boy, or a gift to her from her brother. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I love you always, lady.&quot;

* '''[[Susan Sarandon]]''': &quot;The history of women in popular music can, pretty much, be divided into before and after Madonna.&quot; [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm].

* '''[[George Clooney]]''': &quot;She's probably everybody's high watermark about learning how to reinvent yourself every few years and continue to stay alive. She without a question the absolute best at that. And she's nice, I like her; she's a friend. She's seems to handle things really well; people can be really tough on you on &amp; off at times and she seems very good at handling it.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news]

* '''[[w:Warren Baetty|Warren Baetty]]''': &quot;Madonna is simultaneously touching and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. She's funny and she's gifted in so many areas and has the kind of energy as a performer that can't help but make you engaged.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

* '''[[Ethan Hawke]]''': &quot;She transcended being a pop star. She drew international attention and shone the spotlight on a level of racism and the need for greater education.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20091113172149/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091031/ap_on_en_ot/eu_romania_ethan_hawke_2]

* '''[[w:Dita Von Teese|Dita Von Teese]]''': &quot;Madonna is the only modern celebrity who is truly a style icon. Who else has the audacity to dress like her these days? She really influenced how I wanted to look when I was growing up, and made me realize that I didn’t have to look like a blond beach bunny or a Playboy model.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/von%20teese%20madonna%20inspired%20me%20to%20be%20individual_1037902]

* '''[[w:Esther Rantzen|Esther Rantzen]]''': &quot;I get surprised by the venom that I hear expressed about Kabbalah. I think part of it is Madonna-envy.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/3am/wickedwhispers/2008/07/26/esther-rantzen-backs-pop-queen-madonna-over-kabbalah-115875-20671432/]

* '''[[Tom Hardy]]''': &quot;When we had a break Guy asked if I'd like to meet the wife as she was in the car park and he knew I was a fan. So off we trotted. To be honest, I had the shock of my life. There she was in the back of her Range Rover administering a shot of B12 into the arse of Gerald Butler. Believe me. I was completely stunned to be quite honest, stunned - I mean to throw open the door and see that... I knew it would be magnificent to meet her because she's cult - I mean like Elvis - but the last thing I expected to see was her giving Gerard a shot in his bare arse because he wasn't very well. She does it for her dancers, she's trained doing it, so she decided to do it for the actors as well. She was so cool. She just said to Gerard, 'There you go - bosh! That does it.' And while she was doing that she was talking to me about a load of books I should be reading. I was really thrown.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/2007/0...89520-19706938/] [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=19888]

* '''[[w:Gerard Butler|Gerard Butler]]''': &quot;She was awesome. She was very, very cool. She played a bit of nurse to me, because I got sick in the middle of the film. She turned up with all these medications. In fact, the first day I met her, she was like, 'So you're the sick one. Take this, take this, take this.' The infection was in my throat and chest and I was really run down. Madonna thought the whole thing out and helped me get better.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a97990/madonna-nursed-gerard-butler-on-film-set.html].

* '''[[w:Benjamin Bratt|Benjamin Bratt]]''': &quot;Madonna is one of the only people in the world that can make a straight woman become gay, or a gay man become straight.&quot; [http://www.askmen.com/women/singer/5_madonna.html].

* '''[[David Tennant]]''': &quot;She's quite extraordinary. When I was 14, the first single I ever bought was &quot;Like a Virgin&quot;. She was kind of my sexual awakening. I had some full-on posters of her on my wall. I don't know what my parents thought. She still looks damn fit.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/tennant%20madonna%20responsible%20for%20my%20sexual%20awakening_1010988]

* '''[[Miley Cyrus]]''': &quot;Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do. Whether it's designing clothes or photography or whatever.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/cyrus%20i%20want%20to%20be%20the%20next%20madonna_1073345]

* '''[[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]]''': &quot;I got to meet her one time and she’s so beautiful in person. I’ve never seen her in concert but I would love to, on her tour. But she’s amazing and I hope that she goes for many, many more years.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html].

* '''[[Hilary Duff]]''': &quot;Oh, [I'm] definitely [a fan]. I grew up listening to Madonna. It feels surreal getting to do a cover of &quot;Material Girl&quot;. It's such a great dance song.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/hilary-duff-on-madonna/40115/]

* '''[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]]''':
** &quot;I admire Madonna. she has so much energy and it's very inspiring to watch someone like that. I have her Confessions album playing a lot in my dressing room, you know, singing and rolling my arms to Hung Up gets me in the mood to go shout at people as Patty Hewes.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/03/glen-close-on-madonna.html]
** &quot;The album that I have probably played to death though is Madonna ''Confessions on a Dance Floor'', its just such a joyful album for me all the way through you know…genius, I love it and I think she is a... remarkable person, a strong woman and that's empowering.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/04/glenn-close-on-madge.html].

* '''[[w:Susan Seidelman|Susan Seidelman]]''': &quot;She is an incredibly disciplined person. During the shoot [of ''Desperately Seeking Susan''] we'd often get home at 11 or 12 at night and have to be back on the set by 6 or 7 the next morning. Half the time the driver would pick Madonna up at her health club. She'd get up at 4:30 in the morning to work out first.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''Andy Bird''':
** &quot;She wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person&quot;
** &quot;We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/features/andybird1.html]
** &quot;I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts.&quot;
** &quot;She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird2.html]
** &quot;She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird3.html].

* '''[[w:Trudie Styler|Trudie Styler]]''': &quot;Oh, God! Yes, I had a sense that they'd really like each other and really complement each other and I think they do - they're fantastic parents, and they sparkle when they're together. But I'm not a kiss and tell!&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1535]

* '''[[w:Ricki Lake|Ricki Lake]]''': &quot;I love that Madonna adopted this baby and has brought so much attention to Malawi. She's my hero.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/lake-builds-malawian-school-r448362.html].

* '''[[w:Emanuela Rossi|Emanuela Rossi]]''': &quot;I'm a big fan of Madonna, I love her music a lot. I like her persona, her ways to reinvent herself, not being the same all the time. I think it's vital and creative for an artist to look for new ways, new looks, different ways to sing but at the same time keeping those qualities that make you unique. Madonna is also a controversial artist that tends to amaze people in every possible way and the same time I think she's a very authentic person. She looks very visceral to me, also in her quests. She has become quite sophisticated over the years but she stays true to herself and still capable to push people's buttons. I think that's the key of her success.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=3482]

* '''[[Rosie O'Donnell]]''':
** &quot;She is no symbol. She is human. More brilliant than most. The real deal.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;Amazing. Inspiring. Magnificent. Fan freaking tastic. That woman; direct connect. A ray of light, again and again.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;When you don't have a mother, you do everything in your power to be a good mother; it's like the goal of your life. And I think she succeeding, definitely do.&quot; [VH1 Behind The Music]

* '''[[Will Smith]]''': &quot;Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna.&quot; [http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7011503569]

* '''[[Al Pacino]]''': &quot;She was doing a dance and she was naked under her coat. Over the course of the dance, she became inspired and opened her coat, and there she was. She has an extraordinarily beautiful body, like cut out of ivory. One day, when I'm old and I'm wheeled out on my porch wrapped in a blanket, if I have a beatific smile on my face, I'll probably be thinking of that.&quot; [http://www.celebritymound.com/?p=1250] [http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=8532]

* '''[[Rupert Everett]]''': [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-403659/Rupert-Everett-Madonna--Material-Girl.html] [http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2396048&amp;page=1]
** &quot;At 18 I sniffed poppers with Hardy Amies, danced at a nightclub with Rudolf Nureyev and dined in Paris with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger. I knew what it was to be drunk on fame by association. Yet everything was a pale imitation of the impact Madonna made on me. We met by chance.&quot;
** &quot;When I first met Madonna she really was one of the only women that whether you were gay or straight or an animal she demanded a sexual response some how, something inside her and everybody was turned on by her, everybody!&quot;
** &quot;She was raucous but poised, elegant but common. She had the cupid-bow lips of a silent screen star, and it was obvious that she was playing with Sean underneath the table throughout the meal.&quot;
** &quot;She was tiny and luscious with long auburn hair, slightly curled. She sat down. Sean’s forget-me-not eyes watered with adoration. Hers were the palest blue, strangely wide-set, any further and she would look insane, or inbred. When they looked in your direction, you froze.&quot;
** &quot;In no way was she conventionally beautiful. She was a bit like a Picasso. When she fixed you with her regard, there was a tenderness and warmth that made your skin bump, but when she looked away, it was like sunbathing on a cold day and suddenly a cloud comes.&quot;
** &quot;She was mesmerizing. She oozed sex and demanded a sexual response from everyone. It didn’t matter if you were gay. You were swept up all the same. In those early years there was no male who would not want to bed her.&quot;
** &quot;...I lost myself in Madonna’s attention and by the end I had fallen in love.&quot;

* '''[[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]''':
** &quot;She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself.&quot; [http://www.elizabeth.actressarchives.com/news.php?id=3072]
** &quot;She’s always been committed to helping. In a big picture way, she’s the most generous person in the world and she’s always thinking about how she can help. Malawi’s become very close to her heart, obviously as her son is from Malawi, and she’s spent a lot of time and dedication doing what she can.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19702]
** &quot;Madonna Ciccone rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother.&quot; [http://goop.com/newsletter/18]
** &quot;She's a great woman. She's got a lot of wisdom. We just have fun together. She works on herself harder than anybody else I've met. We do share that and we're both public women. We are both perfectionists.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/paltrow%20values%20madonnas%20friendship_1068956]

* '''[[Helen Mirren]]''': &quot;The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big tits, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that 'Sex' book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine'.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070124/4306/helen-mirren-i-love-madonnas-brand-of-sexuality/]

* '''[[w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]]''': &quot;The Mercer. It's just nice. Really cool. I turned up there last time, and there were about 20 paparazzi going, 'Ricky,' 'Ricky,' 'Ricky.' And I said, 'What are you doin' here?' 'We're here to see you.' I said, 'What [are] you really here for?' And they went, 'Madonna.' They were nice, but I knew the truth. Why would they be there for me?&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630013515/www.nypost.com/seven/01302007/entertainment/travel/celebs_and_the_city_travel_.htm].

* '''[[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]]''': &quot;I jokingly refer to Madonna being my template in making my decisions, because she’s the best at reinventing herself. Every two years she reinvents herself. [That's why] she still is where she is after 20 years. I think that that’s a smart thing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17566]

* '''[[w:Charlotte Gainsbourg|Charlotte Gainsbourg]]''': &quot;Madonna was incredibly quick and professional. I was unable to say anything else than 'Hello','I’ll listen to it' and 'Good-bye' [when she asked to use a few lines from &quot;The Cement Garden&quot; for her song, &quot;What it Feels Like for a Girl&quot;]. That was incredibly stupid of me. Madonna was the idol of my youth and I grew up listening to her music.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18126]

* '''[[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]]''':
** &quot;She was very exact and particular about what she wanted as a director and she was very impressive.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=672]
** &quot;She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that. Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2007/06/10/dp1001.xml].

* '''[[w:Alan Parker|Alan Parker]]''': &quot;She worked out her moves in the mirror the night before we’d shoot. She would work so hard. She was not someone who went out clubbing every night. She was the one who said, ‘I want to be there at 5.30 in the morning so I have enough time to get the hair and make-up right.’ So before the crew had even arrived, she would be there. By the time she arrived at the set she was smiling and she did her job. And she did her job brilliantly.&quot; [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article1671737.ece].

* '''[[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]''': [http://www.avclub.com/articles/jon-lovitz,49464/]
** &quot;She would show up and she’d have already run eight miles. And then they’d do the practice and she’d stay after another hour and hit. Her work ethic is fantastic.&quot;
** &quot;I like her a lot. I saw her about five years ago, and I told her, “I feel like my career started with you, and I have a fond place for you in my heart.” And mine did start with her. The first thing I ever did was with her. And she goes, “I know, I feel the same way about you.&quot;

*'''[[w:Susan seidelman|Susan seidelman]]''': &quot;She's the kind of person that really does get up at five in the morning to go swimming. She wasn't at all prima donna-ish. She wasn't one of those people that want to be alone and sit in their trailer the whole time. I think she has much more of a sense of humor that people give her credit for. Too many people take that femme fetale stuff at face value.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Sarah Jessica Parker]]''':
** &quot;Madonna's probably the most disciplined person around and so I can only pale in comparison. It's just too impressive.&quot; [http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1341761.php/Food_lover_Sarah_Jessica_Parker]
** &quot;Madonna, she is a strong woman, I met her before her show in New York in 2004, she was amazing, very friendly and super cool, that show was awesome, she is a true icon, had to hold myself back from really stalking her. I so wish we could have got her on the show [''Sex &amp; The city''], she would have been amazing, as for her acting ability, her presence on screen is just mesmerizing, check out her Vogue, Rain and Bad Girl video's, these are some of my favourite Madonna songs and the videos are amazing.&quot; (When asked if there's anybody she admires) [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/12/sarah-jessica-parker-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Ellen Pompeo|Ellen Pompeo]]''':
** &quot;For the first time I saw Madonna when she first came out and she was on television talking and singing songs about her mother and how her mother had passed and how sad she was. And it dawned on me 'oh that's what happened to me, my mother died'. And it makes you terribly sad and that's why I'm so unhappy and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to grieve and I should be sad and I should be upset and I should be allowed to go through these things. So I did go through that process because of Madonna, because I saw her talking about it and singing about it, I was able to understand what happened to me and work through it and use my experiences in my favour to give me a lot of what I draw from when I act.&quot; [http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/070620/6/o0b.html]
** &quot;She's the only person I've ever approached - she had such an impact on my life as a kid. She lost her mother too and came on MTV when I was 13 saying it was OK to be sad. Our family had handled my mother's death in a traditional, never-speak-of-her-again kind of way. It was only when I heard Madonna that I thought, 'That's it. I've never really grieved for my mother.' She gave me permission to do that and I wanted her to know how much it had helped me. She's just fantastic.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/pompeo%20inspired%20by%20madonna_1006887]

* '''[[w:Kelly Ripa|Kelly Ripa]]''': &quot;I think she's used to people gushing over her and all of that, but I think she quickly sort of came to realize that yes, in fact I do go to every concert. The last concert she did, we made eye contact. Okay, in my mind it was eye contact. Madonna has no recollection, but I know she stared at me. There's something about her. I think she's very clever and witty. She's really funny. She's really down to earth when she's here. And I just love that about her. And I love looking at her because she's a physical specimen. [http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20055234,00.html].

* '''[[w:Debi Mazar|Debi Mazar]]''':
** &quot;We’ve always been friends. Our friendship has always been very deep and... We get into it! We’re both Leo’s, we’re both born in August. But, in terms of being friends, we keep it real.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKRd3btfHiA]

* '''[[Alicia Silverstone]]''': &quot;I'd die if I was Madonna. I'd die. God, what a horrible way to live. And Michael Jackson! To be so famous and to feel so isolated. I feel so bad for them. I don't know how it feels, and I hope it never happens to me.&quot; [http://www.celebrities-photo.com/alicia-silverstone.html].

* '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''': &quot;It was terrifying, It was like kissing the Eiffel Tower in terms of how famous she is.&quot; [about making out with Madonna for tv skit] [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=171680&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Pedro Almodóvar|Pedro Almodóvar]]''': &quot;When she came with her Blond Ambition tour I prepared a dinner for her, and that little thief didn’t tell us that everything she was recording was going to be part of her film. Madonna was asking for Antonio Banderas’ phone number all the time, because she wanted to screw him and I never gave it to her. When she went out jogging she always had her six bodyguards and I told her: 'Madonna, babe, this kind of things are not very attractive here in Spain.' In this country, that thing about bodyguards is like an offense, nobody is going to shoot Madonna or whoever in Spain. But in United States bodyguards seem to be, like a part of the body of the star. She asked me if I didn't have bodyguards and I said 'I would only have them to fuck them'.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/03/pedro-almodovar-on-madonna.php]

* '''[[Quentin Tarantino]]''':
** &quot;I’ve always said that Madonna has gotten a bad rap. She was the only actor who knew what she was doing in ‘Dick Tracy’. She was my favorite in ‘A League of Their Own’. If I had something right for her, I would totally cast her.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/quentin-tarantino-wants-madonna-in-one-of-his-movies/27851/]
** &quot;I guess I’ll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even.&quot; (About Guy Ritchie marrying Madonna) [http://alltopmovies.com/top-10-most-outrageous-quentin-tarantino-quotes]

* '''[[w:Rachel Weisz|Rachel Weisz]]''': &quot;I think Madonna’s amazing. She constantly reinvents herself and I just went to see her art show in New York the other day and that was great.&quot; [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Im_incredibly_messyRachel_Weisz_/articleshow/2645117.cms]

* '''[[w:Rex Lee|Rex Lee]]''': &quot;Remember when Madonna was first on American Bandstand and she told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world? Well I don't want to rule the world, but I want to make my mark on the world... You know what? I'm lying. I do want to rule the world.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1447]

* '''[[Tom Cruise]]''': &quot;I've known Madonna for years. I really admire her.&quot; [http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-02-07-madonna_malawi_N.htm].

* '''[[w:Michael C. Hall|Michael C. Hall]]''': &quot;I caught Madonna live in Miami last year. It was a kick ass show; truly amazing. Her stage presence left me speechless, I just loved it.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-c-hall-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Tim Vincent|Tim Vincent]]''': &quot;I get to meet some very, very beautiful ladies through my job. Madonna is very sexy and she really flirted with me, which was amazing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19538]

* '''[[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]]''': &quot;It suddenly just exploded overnight; you know, she was everywhere. And they started kind of rewriting the script for that, to tailor-make it for her in those moments. And here she is, still at it. She's 50 years old – almost 50 and rocking on. I think that's great.&quot; [http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Television/article/409956]

* '''[[w:Denise Richards|Denise Richards]]''': &quot;You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work, [She] is really an inspiration for everyone.&quot; [http://www.usmagazine.com/news/denise-richards-madonna-makes-me-feel-lazy]

* '''[[w:Anthea Turner|Anthea Turner]]''': &quot;I've got a huge amount of respect for Madonna - she's often labeled a control freak but she's just a perfectionist. There's a difference between looking tacky and artistic, and I think Madonna looks incredible. You can celebrate your body whatever age you are - there's no limit.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4348665/Anthea-Turner-does-a-Madonna-in-revealing-photo-shoot.html].

* '''Nathan Rissman''': It was amazing working with Madonna. She does everything 100 per cent, and so to be involved in what she was doing, for her to let me go forward and make this project was amazing. She's been involved creatively on every aspect. She knows pictures, she knows sound, she's really, really good. The most memorable thing about working with Madonna is seeing her in the village - seeing her really letting go of that celebrity status, really spending time with people, getting her feet dirty, and dancing, singing and crying with people. It was amazing to see her take on that new character. Madonna really wanted to bring some awareness to Malawi, and she really believed in me.  [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=144651&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Malin Akerman|Malin Akerman]]''': &quot;I got ice cream cones and put them on my boobs. I wanted to be just like her.&quot; [http://www.style.com/peopleparties/parties/scoop/newyork-101408FILT/]

* '''[[Lindsay Lohan]]''':
** &quot;Timeless. She is just timeless.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630011433/www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20081116/Trend+Madonnas+Mad+Mad+World]
** &quot;When I was little, every day after school I would come home and put in her The Immaculate Collection disc and karaoke to it around the whole house.&quot; [http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/03/american-icons?slide=9]

* '''[[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]]''': &quot;I like her boss and ultra-feminist side. I hate the concept of &quot;femme-objet&quot;, and the idea that women are still maltreated in certain parts of the world irritates me.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17760]

* '''[[w:Toby Kebbell|Toby Kebbell]]''': &quot;She's gorgeous. A lovely, stunning woman.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[w:Michael Parkinson|Michael Parkinson]]''': &quot;She turned out to be so bright, frank and funny it made you wonder what the previous debate had been about. Hers is an extraordinary story of determination and hard work and the perfect antidote to the celebrity pap fed to today's wannabes. Anyone wanting to succeed in the music business, or indeed any other business, should watch the interview and learn what it really takes to get to the top.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1065418/Parkinson-Madonna-Robert-Mitchum-drug-offer-I-refuse.html].

* '''Stephen Jon Lewicki''': &quot;That woman has more sensuality in her ear than most women have anywhere on their bodies.&quot; [http://www.fast-rewind.com/making_certainsacrifice.htm].

* '''[[Michael Moore]]''':
** &quot;If we had a royal system she'd be the queen of Michigan and all the Michiganders would Bow down to her, and I'm not kidding. She's a person with a good heart; she does a lot of good for other people. I really admire her.&quot; (From E! News).
** &quot;She's one of the most caring and generous people I've met.&quot; [http://www.record-eagle.com/local/local_story_144100317.html]
** &quot;She spent the past couple of years filming what the people go through, and the efforts to help them, I saw the film  about a month ago. It's a fantastic, powerful movie.&quot; (About the film ''[[w:I Am Because We Are|I Am Because We Are]]'')
** &quot;She's sort of entered my realm. When I saw it [''I Am Because We Are''], I thought, 'Wow, it's like she's been making these films for years.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20121022200541/http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-mi-madonna-moore,0,1510918.story]
** &quot;[She's] one of the smartest people I know.&quot; [I'm] humbled to be able to call Madonna a friend. She has such an incredible heart and such a generous spirit. She does so much out of the glare of the lights to make the world a better place.&quot;
[http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080803/ENT01/808030588] [http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080803/ap_on_en_mu/people_film_festival_madonna]

* '''[[w:Andrea Riseborough|Andrea Riseborough]]''':
** &quot;She's just a lovely woman. My first experience of her was a very nice cup of Earl Grey in a living room in her house. That's how we talked about doing something together and it was really artistically a very complicit relationship throughout.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna has an infectious passion for all sorts of things and she's very worldly. She has a real wisdom.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5jqixj8n--BhKFzFCYe5St6VQVSbA?docId=N0422501296235367281A]
** &quot;You may think you know somebody like that. But of course you never really know them until you actually meet them. And she is absolutely wonderful. She is so strong. She is such an endless inspiration.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20110210211115/http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2011/0205/1224289050405.html].

* '''[[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]]''': &quot;Madonna is a woman of great vision and passion and focus - she is a force to be reckoned with, as you would imagine and she has a brilliant eye.&quot; [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dormer-on-madonnas-directing-style-15096546.html#ixzz1F0I2MDOX]

* '''[[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]]''': &quot;It was fantastic (partying with Madonna). Everyone was there. I fought my way through because I mean, this is the hostess, the least I can do is thank her for the invitation. It was difficult, it took me about an hour and a half... In the end, I got there, and apparently I was standing right in front of her. You know, I looked for Madonna and there was this chick dancing, 'Where's Madonna?' (pointing at the girl). That was her, she was dancing like... I thought she was, you know, 23-24.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WP1WWK70fw]

* '''[[w:David Fincher|David Fincher]]''': &quot;Madonna is my Vatican. She’s my Sistine Chapel.&quot; [http://www.madonnarama.com/posts-en/2010/10/12/david-fincher-on-madonna-shes-my-vatican]

* '''[[Marcia Cross]]''': &quot;We used to swim at the same pool. She’d get out and put all this jewelry on - and I’d go home with my wet hair.&quot;

* '''[[w:Julia Roberts|Julia Roberts]]''': “I got her new album – it`s amazing,” she says. “I really respect and admire her.” [http://aboutjulia.com/site/2005/11/julia-roberts-would-love-to-work-with-madonna/]

===Fashion industry===
* '''[[w:Bert Stern|Bert Stern]]''': &quot;Madonna is gorgeous, the most beautiful eyes you ever saw. A little rough around the edges. She's a tough chick. She spits it out. She has her own agenda. It manifests in the pictures.&quot; [http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2001/08/14/marilyn/index2.html].

* '''[[w:Dolce &amp; Gabbana|Dolce &amp; Gabbana]]''': [http://web.archive.org/20091115135959/madonna-by-letizia.over-blog.com/article-d-g-1-38981426.html]
** &quot;We were in love with her at that time. We always have been. We wondered to ourselves if she’d ever wear Dolce &amp; Gabbana and we’d ever get the opportunity to express our admiration for her in person, let her know how inspiring and express the gratitude that all fans feel when they meet their idol... our idol. An exaggerated word I know, but I think it’s the correct one where Madonna is concerned! The summer came and went, and one day in September our press office received a page from the International Herald Tribune with a photo of Madonna. She was in Paris, dressed in all black and all Dolce &amp; Gabbana. We were incredibly emotional; Domenico and I still consider this moment today as one of the most intensive of our career. It seemed like a lucky gift for two Madonna fans, and we couldn’t ask for more.&quot;
** &quot; We arrived early [to meet Madonna], our legs were shaking, and we were incredibly nervous. At that time you could still smoke inside restaurants, and I must have smoked about half a pack of cigarettes whilst I was waiting. Madonna arrived right on time. She was on the set of the film Dick Tracey then, and arrived dressed as a man with make-up like Marlene Dietrich.&quot;
** &quot;She was sweet and kind, and immediately put us at ease, telling us how much she loved our work, how she loved Italy, and that she was originally from Abruzzo. She was curious to know more about our career, how we’d started, how we worked, where we drew our inspiration from, Sicilian women, Dolce Vita, pop culture and the era of the eighties that had just finished. We didn’t hide our admiration for her for even a minute; we felt a reciprocal kindness, and pretty soon, the lunch developed into one between friends, full of ironic jokes and compliments. We admired her more that we thought possible as fans. We felt like the luckiest fans in the world. We’d met a wonderful person, and above all, a new friend.&quot;

* '''[[w:Christian Audigier|Christian Audigier]]''': &quot;She is really all about the detail. She knows exactly what she likes and is always proposing ideas to us. After that she decides whether she wants to add shoes or other things. She's like me, when it's a, 'Yes,' it's a big, 'Yes.' When it's a, 'No,' it's a definite, 'No!' I like people like that, a lot of people are really critical but never give a solution. She is not like that.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629215144/www.monstersandcritics.com/lifestyle/fashion/news/article_1487263.php/Madonnas_ageless_clothes%23ixzz0KU9scxSQ&amp;D]

* '''[[w:Jean-Baptiste Mondino|Jean-Baptiste Mondino]]''': &quot;She's John Lennon and Yoko Ono at the same time&quot;. [http://www.buy-web-traffic.net].

* '''[[w:Donatella Versace|Donatella Versace]]''':
** &quot;She's one of the most loyal friends I have. When my brother died, the first person that I got a phone call from was Madonna; she said she's there for me in anything I need.&quot; ([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]])
** &quot;She inspires me a lot. I made all my Winter collection listening to &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor.&quot;
** &quot;The word 'icon' is overused, but in the case of Madonna I believe it has some meaning. She is a true icon. She has become a symbol of modern womanhood - confident, ambitious, dynamic, constantly reinventing herself. She is also a friend of mine and my late brother Gianni so there is a sense in which she symbolized the way in which Versace was staying true to its DNA, while evolving for the 21st century.&quot; [http://www.thecheers.org/news/Celebrity/news_6956_Donatella-Versace-thinks-Madonna-is-a-symbol-of-modern-womanhood.html].

* '''[[w:Amy Arbus|Amy Arbus]]''': &quot;Madonna just wandered along like everyone else. I recognized her as the girl who went to my gym — as the girl who would sit around naked longest in the locker room. Now that I think back on it, how could either of us have afforded a gym membership? She still had a last name at that point, and when I told her I worked for the ''Voice'', she said, 'Oh, that’s so funny. They’re reviewing my first single this week.' I recently looked back—it only took six frames to get that picture. I just think the look on her face is so prescient—it really has a sense of knowing what’s in store for her.&quot; [http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/on_the_street/]

* '''[[w:Frida Giannini|Frida Giannini]]''': &quot;Meeting Madonna for the very first time was a shock. She was a myth to me. She was the first poster I hung on my room's wall when I was 14. And then I found herself in front of me, shook her hand. Her immense mediatic power still impresses me. Only to mention that the laminated jacket we made in twelve different versions for her last tour ended up being one of the season's best-sellers would be enough.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1683]

* '''[[w:Jean-Paul Gaultier|Jean-Paul Gaultier]]''': [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2008/look_131008.jpg]
** &quot;I proposed to Madonna three times, but she refused all the time. Always in very a polite way. She's the only woman I would ever have married. I find her attractive sexually.
** &quot;She's still provocative and aggressive. She went mystical and does yoga, and she's a good mother, so of course she's changed. She's still rebellious, though. When she doesn't like something, she says it.&quot;

* '''[[w:Jenny Shimizu|Jenny Shimizu]]''':
** &quot;Madonna’s a wonderful woman. When I first got to New York, I knew very little, and she knew all about the city — she was a wonderful kind of tour guide&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/02/26/jenny-shimizu-make-me-a-supermodel/]
** &quot;I actually stayed at Madonna's house in New York City for a short bit when I was in the process of moving between lofts. She let me stay there again, when I moved back to LA and was looking for a place to live. She has a lot of houses all over. So when she's not there or if she's there, she's very kind that way, very generous.&quot; [http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue10/jenny/]
** &quot;From the age of 14 I'd watched her videos and thought, ‘I'm going to have sex with that gorgeous woman one day.' For hours we explored each others bodies, kissing every inch. Far from the domineering, sex-crazed woman many think she is, I found her a very gentle lover. It wasn't about whips and chains. Madonna wanted someone she could trust to call when she wanted pleasuring right there and then. I was her secret ‘booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions. This woman exuded raw sex appeal and I couldn't get enough of her. I loved the fact I was at this woman's beck and call. It turned me on being ordered to her room whenever she felt like sex.&quot; [http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-was-madonnas-booty-call.html] [http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/173876.php]

* '''[[w:Lee Friedlander|Lee Friedlander]]''': &quot;[She] seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20090119070252/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_en_ot/madonna_auction]

* '''[[Marc Jacobs]]'''
** &quot;I wanted the campaign to be very bold, very sensual and very atmospheric. To carry off all these references and all this sophistication, we needed the ultimate performer and for me, that is Madonna.&quot; [http://fashion.glam.com/blogs/fashiontribes_daily/madonna_strikes_the_pose_for_louis_vuitton/?cat=Fashion]
** &quot;I was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy. She’s so sure of herself as an icon and as a woman. What fascinates me the most about her is her never-ending energy, and the idea of becoming and changing. She’s an artist who’s unafraid to use her voice.&quot; [http://www.wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/madonna-and-marc-mslo-exit-1877806] (About the desire to hire Madonna in Louis Vuitton's fashion advertising campaign after attending her [[w:sticky and Sweet Tour|Sticky &amp; Sweet]] concert).

* '''[[w:Natassia Malthe|Natassia Malthe]]''': &quot;I'm a fan of Madonna's. I've followed her since I was 10. I'm a huge fan of hers - which woman isn't? She's such a strong person, she's just so different from anybody else. She's sustained herself in this business. I go to everything that is Madonna, she is just an amazing human being.&quot; [http://www.dailystar.co.uk/gossip/view/35994/Madonna-documentary-premieres-in-NY/]

* '''[[w:Steven Klein|Steven Klein]]''': &quot;[Madonna] is very clear, surprisingly focused in conceiving innovative pictures. When you think about it you never see her back, you rarely see anyone's back in a photograph and it's fascinating to show its muscular structure&quot;. [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/visual_arts/article1310737.ece].

* '''[[w:Fabian Baron|Fabian Baron]]''': &quot;She's very imposing and knows what she wants. She's very informed and opinionated, which makes her genius. She takes you in and swallows you up—and you don't mind it, you actually enjoy it. There's an unspoken seduction that goes on. I was young, She was young, too, and beautiful. She knows what she's doing. And such drive. Some people want to lift stones and see what's under it. She'll be on a beach with millions of stones and want to lift every one of them.&quot; [http://www.hintmag.com/hinterview/fabienbaron/fabienbaron2.php]

* '''[[w:Herb Ritts|Herb Ritts]]''': &quot;I've always said that if you didn't know Madonna necessarily, you'd still be curious about the woman in the photograph.&quot; [http://www.herbritts.com/about/interview/?page=04]

===Publishing industry===
* '''[[w:Gregory David Roberts|Gregory David Roberts]]''': &quot;She was so unfussy. I think the thing about Madonna is that she's tremendously intelligent. She's fiercely intelligent; she's very sharp, very funny, very witty, very quick and will not accept second best. She will pick you up immediately in a conversation and defend her position and will put it forward with a rigorous intelligence. I think it's intimidating to a lot of people - I love it! For me it can't get any better than that, so I loved that about her, but I do think a lot of people are intimidated by her and reading it as something that it's not. It's simply a fierce intelligence. She's one of the smartest people you could ever meet.&quot; [http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2009/06/18/rao.ta.shantaram.cnn?iref=videosearch]

* '''Jeffrey Fulvimari''': &quot;There is only one thing to do with someone as special as Madonna....celebrate her. She told us so in one of her very first songs! But, mostly, she gives us something more to adore every year, and aside from making huge hits, her work in Malawi is something for everyone to emulate. Working with her is a dream come true!!! She has Never ever treated me in any other way but professionally, and with respect. I mean, gosh when the Queen of Pop loves what you do, there's no better feeling!! I really concentrate on the fact that these books are bringing a better life to those most in need in the world, and until more celebrities (and celebrity photographers) step up and do the charitable works she is doing, they cannot speak an ill word about her. People need to stop copying her videos and performances, and copy what really means the most to her...'Raising Malawi'! That's what it's all about!&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=jeffrey_fulvimari]

* '''[[w:Lucy O'Brien|Lucy O'Brien]]''':
** &quot;I feel that she has constantly conveyed a message of empowerment to women - that women don't have to seek approval before doing something, that they can be bold and brave and fulfill their potential - and that's very inspiring. She has also been vocal in her support of gay politics and latterly, has become involved in the fight against global poverty. In pop culture terms, she has been hugely influential - very few pop artists are so determined and outspoken. [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/lucy_obrien.htm]
** &quot;Madonna is a force of nature above and beyond the art she creates. It is as if we consume her rather that her music, even when her music is great.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#qm].

* '''[[Paulo Coelho]]''': &quot;Today is late Sunday and I just returned from the show of Madonna. And what did I see? A young 50 year-old dancing like a child, a queen, a teenager. It got me thinking about the fact that I believe we are aging differently from the previous generations. I remember for instance my parents at the age of 50 and they were already old, and more importantly they considered themselves as already old.&quot; [http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/09/22/madonna-and-us/]

===Live entertainment===
* '''Christopher Flynn''': &quot;She was kind of far-out. One of the best students I've ever had, a very worldly sort of woman even as a child. We would go to gay bars, and she and I would go out and dance our asses off. People would clear away and let her go.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''[[w:Camille Barbone|Camille Barbone]]''': [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19911105&amp;slug=1315402]
** &quot;Madonna loves beautiful women and she is into anyone sexually, male or female, who is beautiful.&quot;
** &quot;She loves sex and would go after any man she wanted. There's a strong maleness in Madonna. She seduces men the way men seduce women.&quot;
** &quot;Men were always overwhelmed by Madonna. She's seductive and alluring. She has an amazing ability to manipulate men, based on her sensuality and the possibility of sexual favors. The entourage of young men she had hanging around was just waiting to get into bed with her. But she was a great tease. She kept them at a distance, but always interested and intrigued.&quot;

* '''[[w:Bernard Manning|Bernard Manning]]''': &quot;Madonna? Lovely. Oh yes. Nice skin. You could tell she wasn't a scrubber.&quot; [http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-82635173.html].

* '''[[Sandra Bernhard]]''': &quot;...I run into [Madonna] all the time, so it's not like there's any irresolvable strangeness. I like to think of the time when we were hanging out as the end of an era. We played out our friendship in the public forum, but it wasn't drunken or irresponsible airheads hanging out - she's a smart lady and I'm obviously my own brand of intellectual.&quot; [http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,,2153856,00.html].

* '''[[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]''': &quot;Madonna, the original MILF.&quot; [http://mario.jaiku.com/presence/6234543]

* '''Carlton Wilborn''': [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/carlton.htm]
** &quot;Madonna was really a Lady to me. At least how she dealt with me, I don't know how any of the other dancers felt about her. Inside of her rigid perfectionist, artistic brain there was a real elegance about her. The way that she lived her private life... that's one of the things I was surprised by. I would have thought that she would have had a much more avant-guard private life and she really didn't at all. She was very classy in her private life.&quot;
** &quot;My fondest memory of Madonna has nothing to do with tours. My fondest memory of Madonna happened in 1995 when I was having a really hard time in my career, Madonna became aware of that and she allowed me to live for a few months in the castle that she had in Hollywood. I stayed there three months, she was out of town for the majority of that time. I will always be in debit to Madonna no matter what. It was a real hard time for me and she reached out in a way she really didn't have to. She could have helped me in other ways but the fact that she truly, truly, let me know that she trusted me in her personal space at that degree really meant a lot to me.&quot;

* '''[[w:Sofia Boutella|Sofia Boutella]]''': &quot;Amazing. It was really hard work, but it has helped me to know myself a little bit more, I really like Madonna because she is a tireless worker.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1214]

* '''[[w:Criss Angel|Criss Angel]]''': &quot;Madonna is a tremendous example of someone who went to NY with couple of dollars in her pocket and an enormous dream to conquer the world. She did whatever she had to do until she hit the big time. I admired her commitment and determination. She clearly understood what her market wanted in a performer. She's a great example of someone who developed a unique style, look, and brand and then marketed herself as a total package, filling a void that everyone else bought in to and tried to copy. She's an innovative genius.&quot; [http://i37.tinypic.com/j9lyiq.jpg]

* '''[[w:Dennis Rodman|Dennis Rodman]]''': ''Bad as I Wanna Be''
** &quot;Whenever I was with her I always knew I was around a woman who had power and knew how to wield it. She is a big-time businesswoman, and she knows exactly what she wants.
** &quot;She's a great lady. If you watch her on TV or in her videos, you get the perception of her as a real hard person who says &quot;Fuck&quot; for twenty minutes on David Letterman. In person, she's nothing like that. I don't remember her swearing to excess when we were out together. She always handled herself elegantly.&quot;

* '''[[w:Florence Foresti|Florence Foresti]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17976]
** &quot;Madonna's my idol and the incarnation of the ultimate star, with what we can imagine of requirement, dictatorship.&quot;
** &quot;Each year, I wait for three rendez-vous with same impatience: Woody Allen's last movie, the CD or the concert by Madonna and the new book by Philippe Djan.&quot;
** &quot;Since I am a teenager, I am a fan of Madonna. I admire her determination, her talent, I know her career by heart. To prepare this parody, I saw a documentary again, in order to prepare the expressions of her face. I put the accent on her Diva side, whose desires are orders. A little jacket, a leotard, shoes, I copied her look from her album &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor&quot;, inspired by the beginning of the eighties. Dressed as my idol, I was happy as a kid who put a costume of Superman!&quot;

* '''[[w:Jamie King|Jamie King]]''': &quot;She's confident, sensual and strong, but I like to bring out her vulnerability as well.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2007/thedailynews_020407.jpg]

* '''Yuki Matsumoto''': &quot;Madonna inspires creativity and expressions beyond gender, religion, race, nationality, culture and all borders. &quot;Madonna’s philosophy and originality always invigorates the world audience every time she produces a new album. Conventions and trends are challenged and redefined for the new values. &quot;Madonna is in sync with nature and balances her lifestyle to achieve her best physical and mental conditions. Her ever innovative spirits are in tune with her respect of nature. Despite her celebrity and never ending professional activities, Madonna always says FAMILY FIRST. Love and respect for all those who are dear to her are the most important values in life.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17360]

===Religious Institutions===
* '''[[w:Church of England|Church of England]]''':
** &quot;Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns?&quot; [http://godsstory.3story.org/stories/post/2006/08/11/madonna]
** &quot;Why would someone with so much talent feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?&quot;  [http://www.secularism.org.uk/queenofcontroversyhitsthehotbutt.html].

* '''[[w:Jorge Medina|Jorge Medina]]''', Cardinal of the [[w:Roman Catholic Church|Roman Catholic Church]]
** &quot;This woman comes [to Santiago, Chile for her &quot;Sticky &amp; Sweet Tour&quot;], and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20081214095954/http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEslaEheEX0WsVn48IvUBZkpqr7AD9502LH83]
** &quot;The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm. Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart.&quot; [http://in.news.yahoo.com/137/20081211/778/tod-lustful-madonna-offends-god-says-chi.html]

===Political Field===
* '''[[Nicolas Sarkozy]]''': &quot;The French like burgers, Madonna and Miami Vice.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/06/AR2007050600644.html].

* '''[[Al Gore]]''': &quot;I appreciate and respect her as an artist and as a person.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007280084,00.html].

* '''Dr. Peter van Ham''': &quot;NATO should follow the Madonna-curve, and not wait till its controversies escalate into public wrangles. The argument that tinkering on the edges will do since all challenges can be dealt with one at a time simply does not hold. To be successful, NATO needs a package-deal of painful compromises, where each member state has to give and take. This requires a comprehensive reform effort which only a new strategic concept offers. The quality of adapting to new tasks whilst staying true to one’s own principles is something which business analysts qualify as the Madonna-curve. This curve is named after the legendary pop-diva who reinvented herself each time her style and stardom went into inevitable decline, but whose audacity has lifted her up to ever higher levels of [[relevance]] and fame.&quot; [http://www.nato.int/docu/review/2008/03/ART5/EN/index.htm].

===Other===
*  Pipe bands greeted the Queen and the Queen mother when they visited us and a few people turned out. But everybody appeared to see this woman Madonna. She had them all in the palm of her hand.
** Jim Matheson [http://edition.cnn.com/2000/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/22/madonna/]

* I think she glows, she's an amazing performer and her work inspires me. There will be no other Madonna.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael)
** Mariquita Robinson.

* '''[[Alex Rodriguez]]'''
** &quot;I have a lot of respect for her. She's very committed to making the world a better place.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20244527,00.html]
** &quot;She's an amazing entertainer. And it's been amazing how she's been able to stay on top for three decades. She's very smart, and she's passionate about everything she does. If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have, you know? I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not, That's how we know each other. I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it.&quot; [http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_8397]

* '''Tracy Anderson''':
** &quot;[She has] the most amazing work ethic. Madonna is exquisite to look at and she works hard at it.&quot; **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/03/tracy-anderson-personal-trainer-madonna]
** &quot;People say to me, 'Madonna must really boss you around' and I tell them 'No! She’s the most docile, sweet, quiet little student'. Madonna never slacks off. She’s like a gym nerd. I challenge anybody to see Madonna in person and not want her body. What she’s achieved is not unnatural.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2009/03/15/tracy-anderson-madonna-is-such-a-perfect-pupil-it-s-gwyneth-who-gives-me-cheek-115875-21190090/]

* She's a dream pupil; She's very driven, listens to what you say and just wants to do it and improve. You can always get somewhere with someone like that. When I started teaching her she hadn't jumped at all and now she can jump a course of 1.05m. Jumping and hacking are her two favorite things.
**Daisy Trayford [http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/275035.html]
==References==
{{reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
*[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles Madonna's magazine interviews]
*[https://kelyrics.com/m/madonna.html All Madonna Lyrics]
*[http://www.vagalume.com.br/artista/m/madonna.html Madonna Letras] - Hundreds of Madonna Lyrics
*[http://music-city.org/discography.php?artist=Madonna Madonna's facts]

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[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:Film directors from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:1958 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Articles with bare URLs]]
[[Category:People from Michigan]]
[[Category:Grammy Award winners]]
[[Category:Company founders]]
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    <title>Shrek</title>
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      <text bytes="17785" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]''
:'Cause I'm all alone.
:There's no one here beside me.
:My problems have all gone.
:There's no one to deride me!
:But ya gotta have friends!
:'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
:''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17786" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut.... up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]''
:'Cause I'm all alone.
:There's no one here beside me.
:My problems have all gone.
:There's no one to deride me!
:But ya gotta have friends!
:'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
:''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153443</id>
      <parentid>3153341</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:16:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TommyBoiAlex</username>
        <id>3128859</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Rated R.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="17992" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut the fuck up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a jackass on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek turns around and faces his ass at the villagers before he shits on them until the villagers stop screaming and yelling before he turns back at them]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so while covered in shit; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn fucking thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[shows Shrek his penis]'' I have a penis!
:'''Shrek''': Stop fucking! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little jackass. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm a fucking ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is horrible! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's disgusting what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward fuckface, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered shit, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' our condoms, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead bitch off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a fucking ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, damn, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale shit, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat my dick!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's penises]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the penises! Not my gumdrop penises!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's big stupid ugly dick!
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a jackass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on a human brain.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fuck a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of assholes in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason asses shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Shit on him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your cigars, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like brains!
:''[holds up a human brain, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels the brain]'' '''''No! Layers. Brains have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like brains. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You fucking, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like brains! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the god damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a fucking mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down! ''[Donkey then falls to the lava and dies]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''' ''[now a ghost]'': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the ass, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the fucking '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut the fuck up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind. ''[he proceeds to strip off his clothes and show his ass]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut the fuck up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you fucking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not fucking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to shit out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Christ! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big ugly dumbass ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, ugly, dumbass ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't fucking color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:TommyBoiAlex|TommyBoiAlex]] ([[User talk:TommyBoiAlex|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/TommyBoiAlex|contributions]]) to last version by 2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</comment>
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'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut.... up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]''
:'Cause I'm all alone.
:There's no one here beside me.
:My problems have all gone.
:There's no one to deride me!
:But ya gotta have friends!
:'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
:''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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    <title>Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington</title>
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      <text bytes="59679" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Sir Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.png|thumb|right|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.]]
'''[[w: Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]''' ([[1 May]] [[1769]] – [[14 September]] [[1852]]) was a British soldier and statesman. Rising to prominence during the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsular War]], he became a national hero in [[w:Britain|Britain]] after the [[w:Napoleonic Wars|Napoleonic Wars]] during which he led the victorious Anglo-Allied forces at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]]. He later became [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister of the United Kingdom]] on two separate occasions.

==Quotes==
[[File:Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington by Robert Home.jpg|thumb|right|It has been a damned nice thing — the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.]]
[[File:Francisco Goya - Portrait of the Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|The history of a battle, is not unlike the history of a ball. Some individuals may recollect all the little events of which the great result is the battle won or lost, but no individual can recollect the order in which, or the exact moment at which, they occurred, which makes all the difference as to their value or importance.]]
[[File:The Duke of Wellington on Copenhagen (1818) by Thomas Lawrence.jpg|thumb|right|All the business of war, and indeed all the business of life, is to endeavour to find out what you don't know by what you do; that's what I called &quot;guessing what was at the other side of the hill.&quot;]]
[[File:His Grace the Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|Publish and be damned.]]
[[File:Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.]]
[[File:Wellington 20050728.jpg|thumb|right|The only thing I am afraid of is fear.]]
* '''I have seen their backs before, madam.'''
** This is attributed to Wellington as a statement to an unidentified woman at a reception in Vienna, who had apologized for the rudeness of some French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered, as quoted in ''The Guinness Book of Military Anecdotes'' (1992), by Geoffrey Regan, [https://books.google.cl/books?id=aarPgpKPA0oC&amp;q=vienna+I%27ve+seen+their+backs+before,+madam&amp;dq=vienna+I%27ve+seen+their+backs+before,+madam&amp;hl=es-419&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwiyz4SKk93sAhVyBtQKHZx7AjsQ6AEwAHoECAAQAg page 27]
** Variant: 'Tis of no matter, your Highness, I have seen their backs before.
** This is attributed to Wellington as a statement to [[w:King Louis XVIII|King Louis XVIII]] at a ball in the spring of 1814, as quoted in [http://www.wellsoc.org/Anecdotes.htm &quot;Anecdotes of Wellington&quot; at The Wellington Society of Madrid]

* '''I believe I forgot to tell you I was made a Duke.'''
** Postscript to a letter to his brother [[w:Henry Wellesley, 1st Baron Cowley|Henry Wellesley]] (22 May 1814), published in ''Supplementary Despatches and Memoranda of Field Marshal Arthur, Duke of Wellington, K. G.: South of France, embassy to Paris, and Congress of Vienna, 1814-1815. Editors: Arthur Richard Wellesley Duke of Wellington, Arthur Richard Wellesley Wellington (2d Duke of). Editor: J. Murray, 1862. Origin of the original: Universidad de Michigan. Digitized: 28 November 2006. p. 100. [[w:Arthur Wellesley, 2nd Duke of Wellington|Arthur Wellesley, 2nd Duke of Wellington]]

* '''[[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]] has humbugged me, by God'''; he has gained twenty-four hours' march on me.
** At the [[w:Duchess of Richmond's ball|Duchess of Richmond's ball]] (15 June 1815), as quoted in ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/9460 Camps, Quarters, and Casual Places]'' (1896) by [[w:Archibald Forbes|Archibald Forbes]], quotes Captain Bowles  account and citing the ''Letters of the First Earl of Malmesbury''.

*'''Who will attack first tomorrow? I or Bonaparte?'''&lt;br&gt;-Bonaparte.&lt;br&gt;-'''Well, Bonaparte has not given me any idea of his projects, and as my plans will depend on his, how can you expect to tell me what mine are?'''
** Wellington's response, on the night of 17th June 1815, to [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|The Earl of Uxbridge]]'s (his second-in-command) request to know the British Army's &quot;plans&quot; for the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|battle]] expected the following day; quoted in [[Bernard Cornwell]]'s ''Waterloo: The True Story of Four Days, Three Armies and Three Battles''

* '''Up, Guards, and at them again.'''
** Said at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]], as quoted in a letter from a Captain Batty of the Foot Guards (22 June 1815), often misquoted as &quot;Up Guards and at 'em.&quot; Wellington himself, years later, declared that he did not know exactly what he had said on the occasion, and doubted that anyone did.

* '''Hard pounding this, gentlemen; let's see who will pound longest.'''
** At the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] (18 June 1815), as quoted by Sir [[Walter Scott]], in ''Paul's Letters to His Kinsfolk'' (1815).

* '''Uxbridge''': By God, sir, I've lost my leg!&lt;br&gt; '''Wellington''': By God, sir, so you have!
** Exchange said to have occurred at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] (18 June 1815), after [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|Lord Uxbridge]] lost [[w:Lord Uxbridge's leg|his leg]] to a cannonball; as quoted in ''Oxford Dictionary of National Biography'' (2004) 
** Variant account: &lt;br&gt;  '''Uxbridge''': I have lost my leg, by God!&lt;br&gt;'''Wellington''': By God, and have you!
*** [[Thomas Hardy]], in ''The Dynasts,'' Pt. III Act VII, scene viii, portraying the incident.

* '''Give me night or give me [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Blücher]].'''
**Comment made at a crisis point during during [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] at about 5.45 pm on 18 June. ''The Military Maxims of Napoleon'' by Napoleon Bonaparte, David G. Chandler, William E. Cairnes , [http://books.google.co.uk/books?um=1&amp;spell=1&amp;q=%22Give+me%0D%0Anight+or+give+me+Blucher%22+was+the+Duke%27s+prayer+at+about+5.45+pm+on+18+June.%0D%0Anight+or+give+me+Blucher%22+wellington&amp;btnG=Search+Books p. 143] Alternatively wording may have been &quot;'''Night or the Prussians must come'''&quot;: quoted by David Howarth, page 162, &quot;Waterloo: Day of Battle&quot;, ISBN=0-88365-273-0

* My heart is broken by the terrible loss I have sustained in my old friends and companions and my poor soldiers. '''Believe me, nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won: the bravery of my troops hitherto saved me from the greater evil; but to win such a battle as this of Waterloo, at the expense of so many gallant friends, could only be termed a heavy misfortune but for the result to the public.'''
** Letter from the field of Waterloo (June 1815), as quoted in ''Decisive Battles of the World'' (1899) by Edward Shepherd Creasy. Quoted too in ''Memorable Battles in English History: Where Fought, why Fought, and Their Results; with the Military Lives of the Commanders'' by William Henry Davenport Adams; Editor Griffith and Farran, 1863. p. 400.

* '''It has been a damned serious business'''... [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Blucher]] and I have lost 30,000 men. '''It has been a damned nice thing — the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.''' … By God! I don't think it would have been done if I had not been there.
** Remark to [[w:Thomas Creevey|Thomas Creevey]] (18 June 1815), using the word [[wikt:nice|nice]] in an older sense of &quot;uncertain, delicately balanced&quot;, about the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]].  Creevy, a civilian, got a public interview with Wellington at headquarters, and quoted the remark in his book ''Creevey Papers'' (1903), in Ch. X, on p. 236; the phrase &quot;a damned nice thing&quot; has sometimes been paraphrased as &quot;a damn close-run thing.&quot;

* '''They came on in the same old way, and we sent them back in the same old way.'''
**About the French attacks at the Battle of Waterloo, quoted in Roberts, Andrew (2010); ''Napoleon and Wellington''; Hachette, UK; ISBN 0297865269.

* '''The history of a battle, is not unlike the history of a ball. Some individuals may recollect all the little events of which the great result is the battle won or lost, but no individual can recollect the order in which, or the exact moment at which, they occurred, which makes all the difference as to their value or importance.''' 
** Letter to John Wilson Croker (8 August 1815), as quoted in ''[[w:The History of England from the Accession of James the Second|The History of England from the Accession of James II]]'' (1848) by [[w:Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], [http://www.worldwideschool.org/library/books/hst/european/TheHistoryofEnglandfromtheAccessionofJamesIIVol1/chap5.html Volume I Chapter 5], p. 180.; and in ''The Waterloo Letters'' (1891) edited by H. T. Sibome

* '''Just to show you how little reliance can be placed even on what are supposed the best accounts of a battle, I mention that there are some circumstances mentioned in General —'s account which did not occur as he relates them. It is impossible to say when each important occurrence took place, or in what order.'''
** Wellington's papers (17 August 1815), as quoted in ''[[w:The History of England from the Accession of James the Second|The History of England from the Accession of James II]]'' (1848) by [[w:Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]]

* '''Publish and be damned.'''
** His response in 1824 to [[w:John Joseph Stockdale|John Joseph Stockdale]] who threatened to publish anecdotes of Wellington and his mistress [[w:Harriette Wilson|Harriette Wilson]], as quoted in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) by Elizabeth Longford. This has commonly been recounted as a response made to Wilson herself, in response to a threat to publish her memoirs and his letters. This account of events seems to have started with ''Confessions of Julia Johnstone In Contradiction to the Fables of Harriette Wilson'' (1825), where she makes such an accusation, and states that his reply had been &quot;'''write and be damned'''&quot;.

*The national character of the three kingdoms was strongly marked in my army. I found the English regiments always in the best humour when we were well supplied with beef; the Irish when we were in the wine countries, and the Scotch when the dollars for pay came up. This looks like an epigram, but I assure you it was a fact, and quite perceptible; but we managed to reconcile all their tempers, and I will venture to say that in our later campaigns, and especially when we crossed the Pyrenees, there never was an army in the world in better spirits, better order, or better discipline. We had mended in discipline every campaign, until at last (smiling) I hope we were pretty near perfect. 
**Remarks to John Wilson Croker (20 October 1825), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. I'' (1884), p. 353

*[[Napoleon Bonaparte|Buonaparte]]'s mind was, in its details, low and ungentlemanlike. I suppose the narrowness of his early prospects and habits stuck to him; what ''we'' understand by ''gentlemanlike'' feelings he knew nothing at all about.
**Remarks to John Wilson Croker (1826), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. I'' (1884), p. 339

*The [[Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey|noble Earl]] had alluded to the propriety of effecting [[w:Parliamentary reform|Parliamentary Reform]]. The noble Earl had, however, been candid enough to acknowledge that he was not prepared with any measure of reform, and he could have no scruple in saying that his Majesty's Government was as totally unprepared with any plan as the noble Lord. Nay, he, on his own part, would go further, and say, that he had never read or heard of any measure up to the present moment which could in any degree satisfy his mind that the state of the representation could be improved, or be rendered more satisfactory to the country at large than at the present moment... He was fully convinced that the country possessed at the present moment a Legislature which answered all the good purposes of legislation, and this to a greater degree than any Legislature ever had answered in any country whatever. He would go further and say, that the Legislature and the system of representation possessed the full and entire confidence of the country—deservedly possessed that confidence—and the discussions in the Legislature had a very great influence over the opinions of the country. He would go still further and say, that if at the present moment he had imposed upon him the duty of forming a Legislature for any country, and particularly for a country like this, in possession of great property of various descriptions, he did not mean to assert that he could form such a Legislature as they possessed now, for the nature of man was incapable of reaching such excellence at once; but his great endeavour would be, to form some description of legislature which would produce the same results. The representation of the people at present contained a large body of the property of the country, and in which the landed interests had a preponderating influence. Under these circumstances, he was not prepared to bring forward any measure of the description alluded to by the noble Lord. '''He was not only not prepared to bring forward any measure of this nature, but he would at once declare that as far as he was concerned, as long as he held any station in the government of the country, he should always feel it his duty to resist such measures when proposed by others.'''
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/lords/1830/nov/02/address-is-answer-to-the-speech#column_52 Speech] in the House of Lords (2 November 1830)

* '''I never saw so many shocking bad hats in my life.'''
** When asked what he thought of the first Reformed Parliament (1832), as quoted in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889) by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], p. 12

*The revolution is made, that is to say, that power is transferred from one class of society, the gentlemen of England, professing the faith of the [[Church of England]], to another class of society, the shopkeepers, being [[w:English Dissenters|dissenters]] from the Church, many of them [[w:Socinianism|Socinians]], others [[Atheism|atheists]]. I don't think that the influence of property in this country is in the abstract diminished. That is to say, that the gentry have as many followers and influence as many voters at elections as ever they did. But a new democratic influence has been introduced into elections, the copy-holders and free-holders and lease-holders residing in towns which do not themselves return members to Parliament. These are all dissenters from the Church, and are everywhere a formidably active party against the aristocratic influence of the [[w:Landed gentry|Landed Gentry]]. But this is not all. There are dissenters in every village in the country; they are the blacksmith, the carpenter, the mason, &amp;c. &amp;c. The new influence established in the towns has drawn these to their party; and it is curious to see to what a degree it is a dissenting interest.
**Letter to John Wilson Croker (6 March 1833), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), pp. 205-206

*The foreign policy of England should be to maintain peace, not only for herself but between the powers of the world. This should be her policy, not only because she can have no interest in a change of the state of possession of the several powers...but because she has the most extensive commercial relations depending upon peace with each and all the powers of the world, the interruption of which must be injurious to her prosperity.
**Letter to John Wilson Croker (30 September 1833), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 218

*I believe that if ever we are to come to blows with the Russians in India we must rely upon our [[w:Sepoy|sepoys]], as we have in all our wars there with European as well as with native powers. These with our superior knowledge of the art of war in that country and our superior equipment, founded upon our knowledge of the resources of the seat of the war, the character of the natives and other circumstances, will give us advantages which will more than counter balance the supposed inferiority of our troops.
**Letter (1834), quoted in John Brooke and Julia Gandy (eds.), ''The Prime Minister's Papers: Wellington. Political Correspondence: 1833–November 1834'' (1975), p. 457

*[[Napoleon Bonaparte|Buonaparte]]'s whole life, civil, political, and military, was a fraud. There was not a transaction, great or small, in which lying and fraud were not introduced.
**Letter to John Wilson Croker (29 December 1835), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 287

*[[Napoleon Bonaparte|Buonaparte]]'s foreign policy was force and menace, aided by fraud and corruption. If the fraud was discovered, force and menace succeeded; and in most cases the unfortunate victim did not dare to avow that he perceived the fraud.
**Letter to John Wilson Croker (29 December 1835), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 288

*The real question that now divides the country and which truly divides the House of Commons, is church or no church. People talk of the war in Spain, and the Canada question. But all that is of little moment. The real question is church or no church.
**Statement (1838), quoted in John Morley, ''The Life of William Ewart Gladstone, Vol. I'' (1903), p. 155

*There is not a Moslem heart in Asia, from Pekin to Constantinople, which will not vibrate, when reflecting upon the fact that the European ladies, and other females attached to the troops at Cabul, were made over to the tender mercies of the Moslem chief, who had with his own hand murdered the representative of the British Government at the Court of the Sovereign of Afghanistan... It is impossible to impress upon you too strongly the notion of the importance of the restoration of our reputation in the East. Our enemies in France, the United States, and wherever found, are now rejoicing in our disasters and degradation. You will teach them that their triumph is premature.
**Letter to [[w:Edward Law, 1st Earl of Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]] on the [[w:First Anglo-Afghan War|First Afghan War]] (31 March 1842), quoted in Charles Stuart Parker (ed.), ''Sir Robert Peel from His Private Papers, Volume II'' (1899), p. 582

* '''Who? Who?'''
** Repeatedly asked in a loud voice in February 1852, during the introduction of the new cabinet of the Prime Minister [[w:Edward Smith-Stanley, 14th Earl of Derby|the Earl of Derby]], composed largely of political unknowns not recognized by the deaf and octogenarian Duke. The cabinet became known as the [[w:Who? Who? Ministry|Who? Who? Ministry]]. As quoted in ''The Speeches of the Duke of Wellington in Parliament'' (1854) edited by John Gurwood and [[William Hazlitt]], p. 272.

* '''All the business of war, and indeed all the business of life, is to endeavour to find out what you don't know by what you do; that's what I called &quot;guessing what was at the other side of the hill.&quot;
** Remarks to John Wilson Croker and Croker's wife (4 September 1852), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. III'' (1884), p. 276

===''Notes of Conversations with the Duke of Wellington'' (1886)===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes of Wellington from ''Notes of Conversations with the Duke of Wellington'' (1886) by [[w:Philip Stanhope, 5th Earl Stanhope|Philip Henry Stanhope]]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I used to say of him that his presence on the field made the difference of forty thousand men.'''
** On [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon Bonaparte]], in notes for 2 November 1831; later, in the notes for 18 September 1836, he is quoted as saying:
:: It is very true that I have said that I considered Napoleon's presence in the field equal to forty thousand men in the balance. This is a very loose way of talking; but the idea is a very different one from that of his presence at a battle being equal to a reinforcement of forty thousand men.

* '''The only thing I am afraid of is fear.'''
** Referring to a cholera outbreak in London, 1831
** Notes for 3 November 1831.

* '''The French system of conscription brings together a fair sample of all classes; ours is composed of the scum of the earth — the mere scum of the earth. It is only wonderful that we should be able to make so much out of them afterwards.'''
** Speaking about soldiers in the British Army, 4 November 1813
** A French army is composed very differently from ours. The conscription calls out a share of every class — no matter whether your son or my son — all must march; but our friends — I may say it in this room — are the very scum of the earth. People talk of their enlisting from their fine military feeling — all stuff — no such thing. Some of our men enlist from having got bastard children — some for minor offences — many more for drink; but you can hardly conceive such a set brought together, and it really is wonderful that we should have made them the fine fellows they are.
*** Notes for 11 November 1831.

* '''My rule always was to do the business of the day in the day.'''
** Notes for 2 November 1835.

* '''Circumstances over which I have no control.'''
** Phrase said to have first been used by Wellington, as quoted in notes for 18 September 1836
** I hope you will not think I am deficient in feeling toward you, or that I am wanting in desire to serve you, because the results of my attempts have failed, owing to circumstances over which I have no control.
*** As quoted in [http://www.archive.org/details/lifelettersoflad00clevuoft ''The Life and Letters of Lady Hester Stanhope'' (1914)] edited by Catherine Lucy Wilhelmina Powlett, Duchess of Cleveland

* '''They wanted this iron fist to command them.'''
** Of troops sent to the Canadian frontier in the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in notes for 8 November 1840.

==Undated==
* '''Pour la canaille: Faut la mitraille.'''
** Translation: &quot;For the mob, use [[w:Grapeshot|grapeshot]].&quot;
** Quoted in &quot;[https://archive.org/details/portionofjournal02raik/ A portion of the journal kept by Thomas Raikes, esq.], from 1831 to 1847; comprising reminiscences of social and political life in London and Paris during that period.&quot;, volume 2. London: Longman, Brown, Green, Longmans and Roberts, 1858.
** Also attributed to [[w:Victor-François, 2nd duc de Broglie|Victor-François, 2nd duc de Broglie]]&lt;ref&gt;https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/blessed-julie-billiart-foundress-of-the-congregation-of-sisters-of-notre-dame-5246&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''Mistaken for me, is he? That's strange, for no one ever mistakes me for Mr. Jones.'''
** In response to being told that the painter [[w:George Jones (painter)|George Jones]] bore a strong resemblance to him, and that he was often mistaken for him, as quoted in ''My Autobiography and Reminiscences'' Vol. 1 (1887).

* '''If you believe that you will believe anything.'''
** In reply to a man who greeted him in the street with the words &quot;Mr. Jones, I believe?&quot;, as quoted in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) by [[w:Elizabeth Pakenham, Countess of Longford|Elizabeth Longford]].

* '''You must build your House of Parliament on the river: so... that the populace cannot exact their demands by sitting down round you.'''
** As quoted in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889), by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], p. 163.

* '''I have no small talk and [[w:Robert Peel|Peel]] has no manners.'''
** As quoted in ''Collections and Recollections'' (1898) by [[w:George William Erskine Russell|G. W. E. Russell]], ch.14.

* '''We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.'''
** As quoted in ''Wellington and His Friends'' (1965) by  [[w:Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington|Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington]], p. 138, and in [http://www.economist.com/printedition/displayStory.cfm?story_id=4079435 ''The Economist'' (16 June 2005)]

* '''I should have given more praise.'''
** As quoted in ''A History of Warfare'' (1968) by [[Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein]]: &quot;Sir [[Winston Churchill]] once told me of a reply made by the Duke of Wellington, in his last years, when a friend asked him: &quot;If you had your life over again, is there any way in which you could have done better?&quot; The old Duke replied: &quot;Yes, I should have given more praise.&quot;

* '''Depend upon it, Sir, nothing will come of them!'''
** On the coming of the railways, in ''The Birth of the Modern'' (1991), by Paul Johnson. p. 993.

* '''There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.'''
** In response to [[w:William Huskisson|William Huskisson]] declaring there had been a mistake, and he had not intended to resign, after Wellington chose to interpret a letter to him detailing his obligation to vote for a measure opposed by him as a letter of resignation. As quoted in ''The Military and Political Life of Arthur Wellesley: Duke of Wellington'' (1852) by &quot;A Citizen of the World&quot;, and in ''Wellingtoniana'' (1852), edited by John Timbs

* '''During the [[w:Peninsula War|Peninsula War]], I heard a Portuguese general address his troops before a battle with the words, &quot;Remember men, you are Portuguese!&quot;'''
** Wellington's reply when asked, late in his life, what was the most inane remark he had ever heard, as quoted in  ''Journals of Alec Guinness'' (February 1998) by [[Alec Guinness]]

*'''Sparrow-hawks, Ma'am'''
** [[w:Queen Victoria|Queen Victoria]], concerned about the sparrows that had nested in the roof of the partly finished [[w:Crystal Palace|Crystal Palace]], asked Wellington's advice as to how to get rid of them. Wellington’s reply was succinct and to the point, '''Sparrow-hawks, Ma'am'''. He was right, by the time the Crystal Palace was opened by the Queen in 1851, they had all gone!&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.historic-uk.com/HistoryUK/HistoryofBritain/Duke-of-Wellington/ Historic UK]&lt;/ref&gt;

*'''Not at all. If I had lost the battle, they would have shot me.'''
** Wellington's retort when he was asked if he felt honored at being feted as a hero by the people of Brussels after returning victorious from Waterloo, according to Sir [[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]]'s chapter on Wellington in his book ''The Mask of Command''

* '''At first it was a lie, then a strong delusion, and at last downright madness.'''
** Wellington's assessment of George IV's claims that he had been present at the Battle of Waterloo as later recalled by [[John Russell, 1st Earl Russell|Earl Russell]], quoted in ''Lady John Russell: A Memoir'' (1910), edited by Desmond McCarthy and Agatha Russell. p. 221  

{{disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
[[File:Arthur Wellesley by John Hoppner.jpg|thumb|right|As Lord Chesterfield said of the generals of his day, &quot;I only hope that when the enemy reads the list of their names, he trembles as I do.&quot;]]

* '''I don't know what effect these men will have on the enemy, but by God, they terrify me.'''
** Said to be his remarks on a draft of new troops sent to him in Spain (1809), as quoted in ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles from Ancient and Modern Sources'' (1942) by [[H. L. Mencken]], this quote is disputed, and may be derived from a comment made to Colonel [[w:Robert Torrens (economist)|Robert Torrens]] about some of his generals in a despatch (29 August 1810): &quot;'''As Lord Chesterfield said of the generals of his day, &quot;I only hope that when the enemy reads the list of their names, he trembles as I do.'''&quot;

* '''[I don't] care a twopenny damn what [becomes] of the ashes of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]].'''
** As quoted in ''The Times'' [London] (9 October 1944); this attribution probably originates in a letter by [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]] (6 March 1849), in which he states &quot;How they settle the matter '''I care not''', as the duke says, '''one twopenny damn'''.&quot;

{{disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* If a gentleman happens to be born in a stable, it does not follow that he should be called a horse.
** As quoted in ''Genetic Studies in Joyce'' (1995) by David Hayman and Sam Slote. Though such remarks have often been quoted as Wellington's response on being called Irish, the earliest published sources yet found for similar comments are those ''about'' him attributed to an Irish politician:
** '''The poor old Duke! what shall I say of him? To be sure he was born in Ireland, but being born in a stable does not make a man a horse.'''
*** [[w:Daniel O'Connell|Daniel O'Connell]], in a speech (16 October 1843), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dpKbWonMghwC&amp;pg=PA93&amp;dq=%22+make+a+man+a+horse%22&amp;num=100&amp;ei=0YVZSIWXCIiSjgG37bGIDA ''Shaw's Authenticated Report of the Irish State Trials'' (1844), p. 93]
** '''No, he is not an Irishman. He was born in Ireland; but being born in a stable does not make a man a horse.'''
*** [[w:Daniel O'Connell|Daniel O'Connell]] during a speech (16 October 1843), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=zWETAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PT108&amp;dq=%22+make+a+man+a+horse%22&amp;num=100&amp;ei=MohZSJ-PK4a4jgG-lLGJDA ''Reports of State Trials: New Series'' Volume V, 1843 to 1844 (1893) &quot;The Queen Against O'Connell and Others&quot;, p. 206]
** Variants: If a man be born in a stable, that does not make him a horse.
*** Quoted as as an anonymous proverb in ''Dictionary of Quotations from Ancient and Modern English and Foreign Sources'' (1899), p. 171
** Because a man is born in a stable that does not make him a horse.
*** Quoted as a dubious statement perhaps made early in his career in ''The Concise Oxford Dictionary of Proverbs'' (1992) edited by John Simpson and Jennifer Speake, p. 162.

* The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton.
** As quoted in ''The New York Times'' (26 December 1886), and in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889) by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], this is almost certainly apocryphal. The first attributions of such a remark to Wellington were in ''De l'Avenir politique de l'Angleterre'' (1856) by [[w:Charles Forbes René de Montalembert|Charles de Montalembert]], Ch. 10, where it is stated that on returning to Eton in old age he had said: &quot;'''''C'est ici qu'a été gagnée la bataille de Waterloo.'''''&quot; This was afterwards quoted in ''Self-Help'' (1859) by Samuel Smiles as &quot;'''It was there that the Battle of Waterloo was won!'''&quot; Later in ''Memoirs of Eminent Etonians'' (2nd Edition, 1876) by Sir [[w:Edward Creasy|Edward Creasy]], he is quoted as saying as he passed groups playing cricket on the playing-fields: &quot;'''There grows the stuff that won Waterloo.'''&quot;
** [[w:Elizabeth Pakenham, Countess of Longford|Elizabeth Longford]] in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) states he &quot;probably never said or thought anything of the kind&quot; and [[w:Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington|Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington]] in a letter published in ''The Times'' in 1972 is quoted as stating: &quot;During his old age Wellington is recorded to have visited Eton on two occasions only and it is unlikely that he came more often. … Wellington's career at Eton was short and inglorious and, unlike his elder brother, he had no particular affection for the place. … Quite apart from the fact that the authority for attributing the words to Wellington is of the flimsiest description, to anyone who knows his turn of phrase they ring entirely false.&quot;
{{Misattributed end}}

==Quotes about the Duke of Wellington==
*[N]o man better exemplified the best qualities of the English ruling class than the Duke of Wellington, with his high-nosed aristocratic confidence and direct simplicity of speech and manners; a man remarkable for hard-minded good sense, steady nerve and a character as true and tough as the metal of a cannon. In Wellington [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had come up against an officer with the same simple resolve to do his duty as Colonel Maillard who had held the Citadel of Ajaccio against him in 1792. In Wellington also Bonaparte had come up against by far the most formidable opponent of his career, alike because of the Englishman's professionalism, his force of leadership and his sheer strength of will.
**[[Correlli Barnett]], ''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 206

*As one reads through the twelve portly volumes of [[w:John Gurwood|Gurwood]]'s edition of the ''Dispatches'', one cannot but be amazed by the variety of knowledge, the clarity of exposition, the attention to detail, the relentless supervision or inspiration of such manifold activities—military, administrative and diplomatic. 
**[[w:Antony Brett-James|Antony Brett-James]], ''Wellington at War, 1794–1815: A Selection of His Wartime Letters'' (1961), p. xxix

*Madame de Maurville now told me that an English commissary was just arrived from the army [at Waterloo], who had assured her that the tide of success was completely turned to the side of the  Allies... [S]he...returned escorted by Mr. Saumarez  himself. His narration was all triumphant, and his account of the Duke of Wellington might almost have seemed an  exaggerated panegyric if it had painted some warrior in a chivalresque romance. He was everywhere, he said; the eye could  turn in no direction that it did not  perceive him, either at hand or at a  distance; galloping to charge the enemy,  or darting across the field to issue  orders. Every ball also, he said, seemed fired, and every gun aimed at him; yet  nothing touched him; he seemed as  impervious for safety as he was  dauntless for courage: while danger all the time relentlessly environed him, and wounds or death continually robbed him of the services of some one of the bravest of those who were near to him. But he suffered nothing to check or engage him that belonged to personal interest or feeling; his entire  concentrated attention, exclusive aim, and intense thought were devoted impartially, imperturbably, and grandly to the Whole, the All.
**[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]], ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. VII. 1813—1840'' (1846), pp. 168-169

*We were considering in the Cabinet how the [[w:Chartism|Chartists]] should be dealt with, and when it was determined that the procession should be stopped after it had moved, we agreed that the particular place where it should be stopped was purely a military question. The Duke of Wellington was requested to come to us, which he did very readily. We had then a regular Council of War, as upon the eve of a great battle. We examined maps and returns and information of the movements of the enemy. After long deliberation, plans of attack and defence were formed to meet every contingency. The quickness, intelligence, and decision which the Duke displayed were very striking, and he inspired us all with perfect confidence by the dispositions which he prescribed... It was not I alone who was struck with the consultation yesterday. [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Macaulay]] said to me that he considered it the most interesting spectacle he had ever witnessed, and that he should remember it to his dying day.
**[[w:John Campbell, 1st Baron Campbell|John Campbell]] to his brother (9 April 1848), quoted in Lord Campbell, ''Lives of the Lord Chancellors and Keepers of the Great Seal of England: From the Earliest Times till the Reign of Queen Victoria, Volume 12'' (1881), pp. 304-305

*Last night at a grand ball at Bath House... By far the most interesting figure present was the old Duke of Wellington, who appeared between twelve and one, and slowly glided through the rooms—truly a beautiful old man; I had never seen till now how beautiful, and what an expression of graceful simplicity, veracity, and nobleness there is about the old hero when you see him close at hand. His very size had hitherto deceived me. He is a shortish slightish figure, about five feet eight, of good breadth however, and all muscle or bone... Eyes beautiful light blue, full of mild valour, with infinitely more faculty and geniality than I had fancied before; the face wholly gentle, wise, valiant, and venerable. The voice too, as I again heard, is &quot;aquiline&quot; clear, perfectly equable—uncracked, that is—and perhaps almost musical, but essentially tenor or almost treble voice—eighty-two, I understand. He glided slowly along, slightly saluting this and that other, clear, clean, fresh as this June evening itself, till the silver buckle of his stock vanished into the door of the next room, and I saw him no more. 
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], journal entry (25 June 1850), quoted in James Anthony Froude, ''Thomas Carlyle: A History of His Life in London, 1834–1881, Vol. II'' (1884), pp. 38-39

*I shall express a strong wish to see him here [in Paris], if he can manage it. I wish he would at the outset undertake this embassy. His military name would give him and us the greatest ascendency. 
**[[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Lord Castlereagh]] to Lord Liverpool (13 April 1814), quoted in Archibald Alison, ''Lives of Lord Castlereagh and Sir Charles Stewart, The Second and Third Marquesses of Londonderry, With Annals of Contemporary Events in Which They Bore a Part: From the Original Papers of the Family, Vol. II'' (1861), pp. 464-465

*This was the death-year of the Great Duke—the &quot;Iron Duke,&quot; as we so often called him. Living in Knightsbridge, about a quarter of a mile beyond [[w:Apsley House|Apsley House]], I had to pass by his dwelling every time that I went into the heart of London; and saw him, sometimes, every day for weeks together. What a fascination, what an irresistible attraction there was about that grand old man! How all the memorable doings of our century seemed to gather around him, as you looked at his rigid, stern figure! I often walked close by his horse, for half a mile out of my way, marking his bearing, and noting the uniform &quot;military tip,&quot; of his forefinger towards his forehead, that he gave to all those, great or little, who took off their hats to him; and there were usually scores who did this... I remembered his opposition to Reform... But all this had passed away; and Wellington had become not only the great pillar of State and most valued counsellor of his [[Victoria of the United Kingdom|Queen]]; but, next to her, the most deeply respected and most heartily honoured person in the realm. Everybody liked to see &quot;the Duke&quot;; and no one would hear a word against him. Soldiers—old soldiers—they idolized him. They regarded him as the very personification of English valour and English sagacity. Politicians—they all had a glance towards him when they contemplated new measures. He was an institution in himself. We all felt as if we lived, now he was dead, in a different England.
**[[w:Thomas Cooper (poet)|Thomas Cooper]], ''The Life of Thomas Cooper'' (1872), pp. 329-330

*The funeral of the Great Duke was the most impressive grand spectacle I ever beheld... The varied costume of the English regiments mingled with the kilted [[w:Highland regiments|Highlanders]], and [[w:Lancer|Lancers]] and [[w:Life Guards (United Kingdom)|Life Guards]] with the [[w:Royal Scots Greys|Scotch Greys]], rendered the vision picturesque as well as stately. But it was upon the huge funeral car, and the led charger in front of it, that all eyes gazed most wistfully:—above all, it was upon the crimson-velvet covered coffin, ''upon'' the vast pall—not covered by it, borne aloft, on the car, with the white-plumed cocked hat, and the sword and marshal's baton lying upon the coffin, that all gazed most intently. I watched it—I stretched my neck to get the last sight of the car as it passed along Piccadilly, till it was out of sight; and then I thought the great connecting link of our national life was broken: the great actor in the scenes of the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsula]] and [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]]—the conqueror of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]—and the chief name in our home political life for many years,—had disappeared. I seemed to myself to belong now to another generation of men; for my childhood was passed amid the noise about Wellington's battles, and his name and existence seemed stamped on every year of our time.
**[[w:Thomas Cooper (poet)|Thomas Cooper]], ''The Life of Thomas Cooper'' (1872), pp. 332-333

*[I]t is customary to say—and nothing is more true—that the most economical Government we ever had in England was the Government of the Duke of Wellington. Why was that Government so economical? Because the Duke of Wellington paid the greatest possible attention of any Minister who ever ruled in this country to the interests and business of England abroad. He attended to them so successfully and so sedulously that during his administration we were not involved in expensive wars; we did not get into difficulties in which we were obliged to have recourse to expensive arbitration...and I repeat it was essentially by his attention to foreign affairs, and by his knowledge of foreign affairs...that he was able to make his an economical Government and had not to appeal, as has been our custom of late, for increased armaments.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in Newport Pagnell (4 February 1874), quoted in ''The Times'' (5 February 1874), p. 5

*Met dear [[w:Andrew Barnard|Sir Andrew Barnard]] at [[w:Apsley House|Apsley House]]... Told me the best troops we had at [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] were almost all second battalions, scarcely out of the goose-step. They stood, and hammered away as well as the oldest, but it would have been very hazardous to have manoeuvred with them under fire as with the old Peninsulars. The Duke said of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] during the action: &quot;D—n the fellow, he is a mere pounder after all.&quot; ... I asked him (Sir Andrew) if he had any anxiety about the result. He said, &quot;Oh no, except for the Duke. We had a notion that while he was there nothing could go wrong.&quot;
**[[w:Francis Egerton, 1st Earl of Ellesmere|Lord Ellesmere]], 'Note of a Memorandum' (6 May 1845), quoted in Lord Ellesmere, ''Personal Reminiscences of the Duke of Wellington'', ed. Alice, Countess of Strafford (1903), p. 179

*In so far as the conduct of campaigns...Wellington was a dangerous opponent. However, if that was the case, on the battlefield he was absolutely deadly. In the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsula]] he triumphed, generally resoundingly so, over every French commander that came against him...while at [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] he held off [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] himself for a full day at the head of an army that was not remotely comparable to the troops he had headed in Spain and Portugal... [I]t is evident that Wellington's icy manner reflected a cool detachment that allowed him constantly to out-think the enemy, to exploit any accident of ground to the full, to maximise the strong points of his own forces and to get the best out of his officers and men: liked he may not have been, but respect and confidence he inspired in abundance... In Wellington, then, Britain truly had one of the greatest generals of all time. 
**Charles Esdaile, 'Introduction', The Duke of Wellington, ''Military Dispatches'' (2014), pp. xxx-xxxi

*Cold and indifferent, nay, apparently careless in the beginning of battles, when the moment of difficulty comes intelligence flashes from the eyes of this wonderful man; and he rises superior to all that can be imagined. 
**[[w:Augustus Simon Frazer|Augustus Frazer]], letter written after the Battle of Waterloo (20 June 1815), quoted in ''Letters of Colonel Sir Augustus Simon Frazer, K.C.B., Commanding the Royal Horse Artillery in the Army under the Duke of Wellington. Written during the Peninsular and Waterloo Campaigns'', ed. Edward Sabine (1859), p. 550

*In everything the Duke and [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] stood in strong contrast one towards the other. Napoleon could not serve. He never undertook a trust in a subordinate situation which he did not divert to purposes of his aggrandisement. He never, when advanced to the pinnacle of power, entered into an engagement which he was not prepared, when it suited his own interests, to violate. The Duke was the most perfect servant of his King and country that the world ever saw. He flourished no doubt in a condition of society which presented insuperable obstacles to the accomplishment of ambitious projects, had he been unwise enough to entertain them: but there is proof in almost every line which he has written, in almost every word which he spoke, that, be the condition of society what it might, the one great object of his life would have been to secure the ascendancy of law and order, and to preserve the throne and the constitution of the country unharmed. Nor can you place your finger upon a single engagement into which the Duke ever entered, whether in private life as a member of society, or in public life as a general or a statesman, the terms of which were not rigidly fulfilled, however serious to himself the inconveniences might be. 
**[[w:George Gleig (priest)|George Robert Gleig]], ''The Life of Arthur, First Duke of Wellington'' (1862), p. 617

*In spite of some foibles and faults, he was, beyond all doubt, a very great man—the only great man of the present time—and comparable, in point of greatness, to the most eminent of those who have lived before him. His greatness was the result of a few striking qualities—a perfect simplicity of character without a particle of vanity or conceit, but with a thorough and strenuous self-reliance, a severe truthfulness, never misled by fancy or exaggeration, and an ever-abiding sense of duty and obligation which made him the humblest of citizens and most obedient of subjects. The Crown never possessed a more faithful, devoted, and disinterested subject. Without personal attachment to any of the monarchs whom he served, and fully understanding and appreciating their individual merits and demerits, he alike reverenced their great office in the persons of each of them, and would at any time have sacrificed his ease, his fortune, or his life, to serve the Sovereign and the State. Passing almost his whole life in command and authority, and regarded with universal deference and submission, his head was never turned by the exalted position he occupied, and there was no duty, however humble, he would not have been ready to undertake at the bidding of his lawful superiors, whose behests he would never have hesitated to obey. Notwithstanding his age and his diminished strength, he would most assuredly have gone anywhere and have accepted any post in which his personal assistance might have been essential to the safety or advantage of the realm. He had more pride in obeying than in commanding, and he never for a moment considered that his great position and elevation above all other subjects released him from the same obligation which the humblest of them acknowledged. He was utterly devoid of personal and selfish ambition, and there never was a man whose greatness was so thrust upon him. It was in this dispassionate unselfishness, and sense of duty and moral obligation, that he was so superior to [[Napoleon Bonaparte]].
**[[w:Charles Greville (diarist)|Charles Greville]], diary entry (18 September 1852), quoted in ''The Greville Diary, Including Passages Hitherto Withheld from Publication, Volume I'', ed. Philip Whitwell Wilson (1927), p. 172

*In [[William Ewart Gladstone|Mr. Gladstone]]'s view, it was difficult to overrate the influence for good which the Duke, by his commanding personality and personal weight, exercised over his fellow-peers in counselling them, for the first twenty years after the [[w:Reform Act 1832|Reform Act of 1832]], to be moderate, and in persuading them not to resist popular demands.
**[[w:Edward Walter Hamilton|Edward Walter Hamilton]], ''Mr. Gladstone: A Monograph'' (1898), p. 171

*When did any nation wisely determine for order and freedom without enlisting at once the sympathies of England? England determines aid—and never did she possess, by the blessing of God, a subject and a soldier better calculated to carry out her intentions than General Sir Arthur Wellesley.
**[[w:Charles Edward Kennaway|Charles Edward Kennaway]], ''The Law of Duty, Or, The Deeds and Difficulties of the Great Duke'' (1853), p. 27

*So we have at last lost our great Duke. Old as he was, and both bodily and mentally enfeebled by age, he still is a great loss to the country. His name was a tower of strength abroad, and his opinions and counsel were valuable at home. No man ever lived or died in the possession of more unanimous love, respect, and esteem from his countrymen.
**[[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Lord Palmerston]] to Sir William Temple (17 September 1852), quoted in Evelyn Ashley, ''The Life and Correspondence of Henry John Temple, Viscount Palmerston, Vol. II'' (1879), p. 250

* Summoning the Duke of Richmond, who was to have command of the reserve when formed, he asked for a map. The two withdrew to an adjoining room. Wellington closed the door, and said, with an oath, &quot;Napoleon has humbugged me.&quot; He then explained that he had ordered his army to concentrate at Quatre Bras, adding, &quot;But we shall not stop him there; and if so, I must fight him here,&quot; marking Waterloo with his thumb-nail on the map as he spoke. It was not until the next morning that he left for the front.
** [[w:William Milligan Sloane|William Milligan Sloane]], on Wellington prior to the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]], in &quot;the Eclipse of Napoleon's Glory&quot; in ''The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine'' Vol. LII, New Series Vol. XXX (May - October 1896), p. 883
&lt;!-- Related but as yet unsourced quote or comment on Wellington at Waterloo: &quot; *
Wellington was at a ball in Brussels the night before the [[w:Battle of Quatre Bras|]], when an aide brought the news that the French army had invaded Belgium more than 18 hours earlier. He retired to a back room and supposedly said &quot;Napoleon has humbugged me!&quot; This may be true. However, he is next supposed to have unrolled a map, and placed a finger on the ridge below Waterloo, saying &quot;And we will have to fight him here!&quot;, which is less likely. However, when the British position at Quatre Bras became untenable after the Prussian retreat from Ligne, Wellington withdrew directly to the Waterloo position, which is absolutely the best defensive position between Quatre Bras and Brussels, where the French were headed. Inspecting the ground, Wellington said to his 5th Division commander “It may surprise you to know Picton, that I spied this ground a year ago and I’ve since kept it in my pocket.” He must have known about it. Bounded on the right by the town of Braine l’ Alleud and an unfordable creek, the centre protected by stout farm buildings, walled gardens and châteaux, the left protected by the same, with the whole shielded by a long ridge line and sunken roads that allowed both protection and swift lateral movement, the ground allowed Wellington’s qualitatively and numerically inferior army to win the day. --&gt;

*Our own Wellington was a far greater man. Not less resolute, firm, and persistent, but much more self-denying, conscientious, and truly patriotic. [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]'s aim was &quot;Glory;&quot; Wellington's watchword, like [[Horatio Nelson|Nelson]]'s, was &quot;Duty.&quot; The former word, it is said, does not once occur in his despatches; the latter often, but never accompanied by any high-sounding professions. The greatest difficulties could neither embarrass nor intimidate Wellington; his energy invariably rising in proportion to the obstacles to be surmounted. The patience, the firmness, the resolution, with which he bore through the maddening vexations and gigantic difficulties of the Peninsular campaigns, is, perhaps, one of the sublimest things to be found in history. In Spain, Wellington not only exhibited the genius of the general, but the comprehensive wisdom of the statesman. Though his natural temper was irritable in the extreme, his high sense of duty enabled him to restrain it, and to those about him his patience seemed absolutely inexhaustible. His great character stands untarnished by ambition, by avarice, or any low passion. Though a man of powerful individuality, he yet displayed a great variety of endowment. The equal of Napoleon in generalship, he was as prompt, vigorous, and daring as [[Robert Clive|Clive]]; as wise a statesman as [[Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]]; and as pure and high-minded as [[George Washington|Washington]]. The great Wellington left behind him an enduring reputation, founded on toilsome campaigns won by skilful combination, by fortitude which nothing could exhaust, by sublime daring, and perhaps still sublimer patience. 
**[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), pp. 157-158

*The late Duke of Wellington was a great routinist, because he was a first-rate man of business. He possessed in perfection all the qualities which constitute one. He was a most punctual man; he never received a letter without acknowledging or replying to it; and he habitually attended to the minutest details of all matters entrusted to him, whether civil or military. His business faculty was his genius, the genius of common sense; and it is not perhaps saying too much to aver, that it was because he was a first-rate man of business that he never lost a battle. 
**[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), p. 202

*The Duke of Wellington, who had an inflexible horror of falsehood, writing to Kellerman, when that general was opposed to him in the Peninsula, told him that if there was one thing on which an English officer prided himself more than another, excepting his courage, it was his truthfulness. &quot;When English officers,&quot; said he, &quot;have given their parole of honour not to escape, be sure they will not break it. Believe me—trust to their word; the word of an English officer is a surer guarantee than the vigilance of sentinels.&quot;
**[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), p. 330

*Bury the Great Duke &lt;br /&gt; With an empire's lamentation; &lt;br /&gt; Let us bury the Great Duke &lt;br /&gt; To the noise of the mourning of a mighty nation; &lt;br /&gt; Mourning when their leaders fall, &lt;br /&gt; Warriors carry the warrior's pall, &lt;br /&gt; And sorrow darkens hamlet and hall.
**[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza I

*Lead out the pageant: sad and slow,&lt;br /&gt;As fits an universal woe,&lt;br /&gt;Let the long, long procession go,&lt;br /&gt;And let the sorrowing crowd about it grow,&lt;br /&gt;And let the mournful martial music blow;&lt;br /&gt;The last great Englishman is low.
**[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza III

*O friends, our chief state-oracle is mute:&lt;br /&gt;Mourn for the man of long-enduring blood,&lt;br /&gt;The statesman-warrior, moderate, resolute,&lt;br /&gt;Whole in himself, a common good.&lt;br /&gt;Mourn for the man of amplest influence,&lt;br /&gt;Yet clearest of ambitious crime,&lt;br /&gt;Our greatest yet with least pretence,&lt;br /&gt;Great in council and great in war,&lt;br /&gt;Foremost captain of his time,&lt;br /&gt;Rich in saving common-sense,&lt;br /&gt;And, as the greatest only are,&lt;br /&gt;In his simplicity sublime.
**[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza IV

*For this is England’s greatest son,&lt;br /&gt;He that gain'd a hundred fights,&lt;br /&gt;Nor ever lost an English gun.
**[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza VI

*When men in after times shall look back to the annals of England for examples of energy and public virtue among those who have raised this country to her station on the earth, no name will remain more conspicuous or more unsullied than that of &lt;small&gt;ARTHUR WELLESLEY, THE GREAT DUKE OF WELLINGTON.&lt;/small&gt; The actions of his life were extraordinary, but his character was equal to his actions. He was the very type and model of an Englishman; and, though men are prone to invest the worthies of former ages with a dignity and merit they commonly withhold from their contemporaries, we can select none from the long array of our captains and our nobles who, taken for all in all, can claim a rivalry with him who is gone from amongst us, an inheritor of imperishable fame.
**''[[The Times]]'' (15 September 1852), p. 4

*[[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Macaulay]] was fond of repeating an answer made to him by [[w:John Villiers, 3rd Earl of Clarendon|Lord Clarendon]] in the year 1829. The young men were talking over the situation, and Macaulay expressed curiosity as to the terms in which the Duke of Wellington would recommend the [[w:Roman Catholic Relief Act 1829|Catholic Relief Bill]] to the Peers. &quot;Oh,&quot; said the other, &quot;it will be easy enough. He'll say 'My lords! Attention! Right about face! March!'&quot;
**[[w:Sir George Trevelyan, 2nd Baronet|George Otto Trevelyan]], ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 159, n. 1

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
*[http://www.thepeerage.com/p10256.htm#i102559 ThePeerage.com]
*[http://www.badley.info/history/Wellesley-Arthur-Great-Britain.biog.html Duke of Wellington Chronology World History Database]
*[http://napoleonistyka.atspace.com/wellington_strategy_tactics_battles.htm Wellington's Military and Political Career]
*[http://www.dwr.org.uk/ Duke of Wellington's Regiment - West Riding]
*{{gutenberg author|id=Duke+of+Wellington+Arthur+Wellesley | name=Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington}}
*[http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/mss/online/visual-resources/results.php?title=wellington&amp;catshort=cartoon&amp;offset=0 Images of political cartoons featuring the Duke of Wellington]
*[http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&amp;GRid=1940 Duke of Wellington At Find A Grave]
*[http://pm.gov.uk/output/Page153.asp More about Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington on the Downing Street website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wellesley, Arthur}}
[[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:British Prime Ministers]]
[[Category:Ambassadors]]
[[Category:1769 births]]
[[Category:1852 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Dublin]]
[[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Freemasons]]</text>
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    <title>Marilyn Manson</title>
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[[File:Marilyn Manson kot Ikarus.jpg|thumb|right|upright|If someone listens to our music, and it makes them creative, that makes me happier than anything.]]
'''[[w:Marilyn Manson|Brian Hugh Warner]]''' (born [[5 January]] [[1969]]), better known as '''Marilyn Manson''', is an [[United States|American]] musician, artist, and lead singer of the band which shares his stage name.

==Quotes==
[[File:Mabsinthe.jpg|thumb|right|upright|When I was growing up, music was the only escape. If you put on a record, its not gonna yell at you about the way you dress, its gonna make you feel better about it.]]
[[File:MM s klobukom IZ.jpg|thumb|right|upright|In music, you feel a connection to the voice and think about the person behind it.]]
[[File:Hopelibrary.JPG|thumb|right|upright|I wouldn't say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say, and that's what no one did.]]
[[File:Columbinememorial.JPG|thumb|right|upright|Is adult entertainment killing our children? Or is killing our children entertaining adults?]]
[[File:Bill Clinton.jpg|thumb|right|upright|[[Bill Clinton|The President]] was shooting bombs overseas. Yet, I'm a bad guy because I sing some rock-and-roll songs? Who's a bigger influence, the President or Marilyn Manson? I'd like to think me, but I'm going to go with the President.]]
[[File:AQMI Flag.svg|thumb|right|upright|If they think that an artist can destroy their faith, then their faith is rather fragile.]]
[[File:MSNBC 2015-2021 logo.svg|thumb|right|upright|Keep everyone afraid and they'll consume.]]
*If people really stopped and realized how much art and creative people move the world versus politics and religion, I mean it’s not even up for debate. An artist at least creates things, puts things into the world. Where as these other people are destroying things, taking things out of the world.
**Interview on ''The Henry Rollins Show''

*I'm fucking sick of people who always try to blame movies, bands, songs, or talk shows for whatever the fuck hits them today – teen suicides, drug overdoses or everything else. If someone is stupid enough to kill himself because of a song, then that's exactly what they deserve – they weren't contributing anything to the society – it's one less idiot in the world. There's too many people – if more people kill themselves over music, it wouldn't disappoint me. What would disappoint me is that people are that stupid.
** As quoted in ''The Phil Donahue Show''

===1990s===

* &amp;hellip; I don't expect everyone to get something deep out of it. Some people can just listen to the music, or get their aggressions out, but I think with any great painting or movie, album or whatever it is, it's better if people can take what they need from it. That they're not forced to get some particular message.
** As quoted in &quot;Headbanger's Ball&quot; (10 December 1996), ''MTV Europe''.

* The whole concept of this band is to present the ugly truth about society &amp;ndash; warts and all, and let the chips fall where they may.
** As quoted in ''Huh'' (October 1996).{{fix cite}}

* If someone listens to our music, and it makes them creative, that makes me happier than anything. But with our music, we try to teach the masses of fans that not everything is as it seems.
** As quoted in ''Huh'' (10 October 1996).{{fix cite}}

* I hope that with our music we can inspire other people to be creative and to use their imagination, because it is something that is so lacking nowadays. You have virtual reality, MTV, video games and VCR's. Nobody really wants to think about things or create things. You have programs on a computer which will write a poem for you.
** As quoted in ''Kerrang!'' (14 December 1996).

* The world doesn't revolve around the sun, it revolves around a giant cock. That is what the world is about. It's about sex. Anybody who doesn't want to realize this is fooling themselves. People are bored because they've done everything they can do. So now the fear of death is the only thing that gets them excited. That's why some people have made me into some type of sex symbol. I'm death on wheels the way I look.
** As quoted in ''Guitar School'' (1996).{{fix cite}}

* Hopefully, I’ll be remembered as the person who brought an end to Christianity.
** As quoted in ''Spin'' (August 1996), p. 34.

* [The world's] not a great place anymore and it can't be. I'm sure it would have been much more enjoyable to be alive in the fifties, when there was at least an illusion of purity, and things that were taboo had such a great power to them. I think it was a time when magic was really alive. There's no imagination anymore. It was eliminated with video games and VCR's. I'm only necessary because of the way the world is. Well, maybe if I manage to make the world a better place then maybe I'd want to have a kid.
** As quoted in ''Guitar World'' (1996).{{fix cite}}

* I'm not anything like Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas, but maybe it's the taboo element of my image, which is almost deathlike, that attracts them. I should be the last person that [people] should be attracted to.
** As quoted in ''CMJ'' (January 1997).{{fix cite}}

* In explaining things to people, I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of my goals are very Christian in the end. Because people no longer appreciate the taboos of sex, drugs, and rock &amp; roll. I have to take them as far as they've ever been taken before, on a grand scale, in order for the world to realize we have to start over. It's very much like the mythology of the bible, the end of the world, and the antichrist and people are made to make a choice about their faith. I think certain elements of that are correct.
** As quoted in ''CMJ'' (January 1997).{{fix cite}}

* It's really important for me to get across to our fans that whenever I put myself in different circumstances. It is to learn from it so I can relay it to others.
** As quoted in ''Circus'' (January 1997).

* &amp;hellip; if my ideology is a hand, then that's just two fingers. I incorporate a lot of Christian morality into what I do and in fact a lot of my beliefs are very conservative &amp;ndash; like my desire for the world to be a better place where people use more intelligence. If you had to condense all that I believe in, it's that responsible, intelligent people should be allowed to do what they want. That artists and performers and architects, people who contribute something to the world, that actually have something to say as opposed to a business man or a politician, say, people who actually contribute to society, the power should be traded. The creators are always suppressed &amp;ndash; other than the placebo &quot;fame&quot; that they're always given. I don't really suggest any solution &amp;ndash; that we could all kick them out of their positions of power and take over. It's just the idea that if you enjoy what you do, that's why you should do it.
**As quoted in ''NME'' (30 August 1997).

* &amp;hellip; if I hadn't gone to a private Christian school, I'd never have built up enough animosity to want to have started a band. And now that I have one, the fact that they are giving me such resistance and publicity, they have made me far bigger than they'd ever have wanted me to have become. So I guess in a strange way the Christians have influenced me the most.
** As quoted in ''Vox'' (October 1997).{{fix cite}}

*  I think onstage it was more me trying to show people my [[pain]], and offstage it was just feeling it, period.
** On mutilating himself, as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/marilyn-manson-rose-mcgowan-twiggy-893441/ ''Rolling Stone''] (15 October 1998).

* Understand this, tell others: in my dream vultures chase me into my burning house. There, they pick out the brains of my family, dismember them, devour. I emerge from my home and I am burning, skin falling away like a snake as the structure crumbles into a black skeleton. I cannot fight off the vultures. A young man or woman emerges from the ashes. He/she doesn't save me, because he/she is holding my cracked and swollen heart in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. I can read it. It discusses and compares in great detail the differences between me and the vultures. He wraps my heart in the paper and tosses it to the ground. Can you see? 
** As quoted in MarilynManson.com (6 February 1999).{{fix cite}}

==== ''The Long Hard Road Out of Hell'' (1998) ====

* If you act like a rock star, you will be treated like one.

* I wanted to address the hypocrisy of talk show America. How morals are worn as a badge, to make you look good and how it is easier to talk about your beliefs than to live up to them.

* The only way that you achieve what you want and to fulfill your dreams and become great is by demanding that sort of attention. You have to make it happen.

* [...] art and commerce are in essence incompatible.

===2000s===
* Is adult entertainment killing our children? Or is killing our children entertaining adults?
** As quoted in MarilynManson.com (2000).{{fix cite}}

* If they think that an artist can destroy their faith, then their faith is rather fragile.
** As quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4175850.stm BBC News] (23 August 2005)

* To me, anything that is a church is really just far too close minded.
** As quoted in ''Ultimate Guitar'' (2007).{{fix cite}}

==== ''[[Bowling for Columbine]]'' (2002)====
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The two by-products of that whole tragedy were violence in entertainment and gun control. And how perfect that that was the two things that we were going to talk about with the upcoming election. And also, then we forgot about Monica Lewinsky and we forgot about the President was shooting bombs overseas &amp;ndash; yet I'm a bad guy because I sing some rock-and-roll songs &amp;ndash; and who's a bigger influence, [[Bill Clinton|the President]] or Marilyn Manson? I'd like to think me, but I'm going to go with the President.
:'''Michael Moore''': Do you know that on the day of the Columbine massacre, the U.S. dropped more bombs on [[Kosovo]] than any other day?
:'''Marilyn Manson''': I do know that, and I think that's really ironic, that nobody said, &quot;Well, maybe the President had an influence on this violent behavior.&quot; Because that's not the way the media wants to take it and spin it, and turn it into fear, because then you're watching television, you're watching the news, you're being pumped full of fear, there's floods, there's AIDS, there's murder, cut to commercial, buy the Acura, buy the Colgate, if you have bad breath, they're not going to talk to you, if you have pimples, the girl's not going to fuck you, and it's just this campaign of fear and consumption, and that's what I think it's all based on, the whole idea of 'keep everyone afraid and they'll consume.'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': When I was growing up, music was the only escape. If you put on a record, its not gonna yell at you about the way you dress, its gonna make you feel better about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Michael Moore]]''': If you were to talk directly to the kids at Columbine or the people in that community, what would you say to them if they were here right now?
:'''Marilyn Manson''': I wouldn't say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say, and that's what no one did.

====''The High End of Low'' (2009)====
*We don't believe in credibility, because we know that we're fucking incredible.
**&quot;[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/werefromamerica.html We're From America]&quot;.

*We don't like to kill our unborn, we need them to grow up and fight our wars.
**&quot;[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/werefromamerica.html We're From America]&quot;.

===2010s===
*Art gives me the freedom I don’t have when I make music. In music, you feel a connection to the voice and think about the person behind it. In art that's secondary.
** Regarding his latest art exhibition, as quoted in [http://www.theage.com.au/ ''The Age''] (30 June 2010).{{fix cite}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed == 
* Suicide is painless.
** Though covered by Manson, this is actually a lyric to [[w:Suicide Is Painless|&quot;Suicide Is Painless&quot;]] written by [[w:Mike Altman|Mike Altman]] for the movie ''[[w:MASH (film)|M*A*S*H]]'' (1970); the music (written by [[w:Johnny Mandel|Johnny Mandel]]) later provided the theme music for the ''[[w:M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]]'' TV series.

* The death of one is a tragedy, but death of a million is just a statistic.
** Being from Manson's Fight Song of Holy Wood, this is actually a quote misattributed to [[George Orwell]], in his book,''[[Animal Farm]].” It is a paraphrase, from [[Josef Stalin]], in his response to the mass purges during the 1930s, that he ordered. He said, “A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”

{{Misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Manson==
*[A] dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school, and they blame it on Marilyn and the heroin; where were the parents at?
**[[Eminem|Marshall B. Mathers]], [https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/the-way-i-am.html &quot;The Way I Am&quot;] (2000), ''The Marshall Mathers LP''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Manson, Marilyn}}
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[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Painters from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]
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*http://www.marilynmanson.com/
*http://www.mansonwiki.com/</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Carl von Clausewitz</title>
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      <text bytes="22315" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Clausewitz.jpg|thumb|[[War]] is very [[simple]], but in War the simplest things become very [[difficult]].]]
'''{{w|Carl von Clausewitz}}''' ([[1 June]] [[1780]] – [[16 November]] [[1831]]) was a Prussian general and influential military theorist. He is most famous for his military treatise ''Vom Kriege'', translated into English as ''{{w|On War}}''.

== Quotes ==
=== ''{{w|On War}}'' (1832) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1946 Full text online at Project Gutenberg]&lt;/small&gt;

==== Book 1 ====
[[File:CarlvonClausewitz.jpg|thumb|War is not merely an act of [[policy]] but a true political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse carried on with other means.]]

* '''[[War]] therefore is an act of violence to compel our opponent to fulfill our [[will]].'''
** Ch. 1, ¶2

*''' Kind-hearted people might of course think there was some ingenious way to disarm or defeat the [[enemy]] without too much bloodshed, and might imagine this is the true goal of the [[art]] of war.''' Pleasant as it sounds, it is a fallacy that must be exposed: '''War is such a [[Danger|dangerous]] [[business]] that mistakes that come from [[kindness]] are the very worst.'''
** Ch. 1, Section 3, ¶1

* To introduce into the [[philosophy]] of War itself a principle of moderation would be an [[absurdity]].
** Ch. 1, Section 3, ¶3
** Variant translation:  To introduce into the philosophy of war a principle of moderation would be an absurdity.
*** As quoted in ''The Campaign of 1914 in France and Belgium‎'' (1915) by George Herbert Perris, p. 56

* '''War is an act of [[violence]] pushed to its utmost bounds.'''
** Ch. 1, Section 3, ¶8
** Variant translation: '''War is an act of violence which in its application knows no bonds.'''
*** As quoted in ''The Campaign of 1914 in France and Belgium‎'' (1915) by George Herbert Perris, p. 56

* ''Der Krieg ist eine bloße Fortsetzung der Politik mit anderen Mitteln''
** '''War is merely the continuation of [[policy]] by other means.''' &lt;br&gt; We see, therefore, that war is not merely an act of policy but a true political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse carried on with other means. What remains peculiar to war is simply the peculiar [[nature]] of its means.
** Ch. 1, Section 24, in the Princeton University Press translation (1976)
** Variant translations:
** '''War is merely the continuation of politics by other means.'''
** 'War is merely the continuation of politics '''''[https://thediplomat.com/2014/11/everything-you-know-about-clausewitz-is-wrong/ with]''''' other means.' 

* Determination in a single instance is an expression of [[courage]]; if it becomes characteristic, a mental [[habit]]. But here we are referring not to physical courage but to courage to accept [[responsibility]], courage in the face of a moral [[danger]]. This has often been called ''courage d'esprit'', because it is created by the [[intellect]]. That, however, does not make it an act of the intellect: it is an act of [[temperament]]. [[Intelligence]] alone is not courage; we often see that the most intelligent people are irresolute. Since in the rush of events a man is governed by [[feelings]] rather than by [[thought]], the intellect needs to arouse the [[quality]] of courage, which then supports and sustains it in [[action]]. &lt;br&gt; Looked at in this way, the role of determination is to limit the agonies of [[doubt]] and the [[perils]] of hesitation when the motives for action are inadequate.
** Ch. 3

* '''Strength of character does not consist solely in having powerful feelings, but in maintaining one’s balance in spite of them.''' Even with the violence of emotion, [[judgment]] and [[principle]] must still function like a ship’s compass, which records the slightest variations however rough the [[sea]]. (Original German: ''&quot;Ein starkes Gemüt ist nicht ein solches, welches bloß starker Regungen fähig ist, sondern dasjenige, welches bei den stärksten Regungen im Gleichgewicht bleibt, so daß trotz den Stürmen in der Brust der Einsicht und Überzeugung wie der Nadel des Kompasses auf dem sturmbewegten Schiff das feinste Spiel gestattet ist.&quot;'')
** Ch. 3

* Action in war is like movement in a resistant element. Just as the simplest and most natural of movements, walking, cannot easily be performed in water, so '''in war it is difficult for normal efforts to achieve even moderate results.'''
** Ch. 7, as translated by {{w|Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard}} and {{w|Peter Paret}} (1976)

* The invention of gunpowder and the constant improvement of firearms are enough in themselves to show that the advance of civilization has done nothing practical to alter or deflect the impulse to destroy the enemy, which is central to the very idea of war.

* The worst of all conditions in which a belligerent can find himself is to be utterly defenseless.

* '''Men are always more inclined to pitch their estimate of the enemy's strength too high than too low, such is human nature.'''

* ...only the element of chance is needed to make war a gamble, and that element is never absent.

* ...in the whole range of human activities, war most closely resembles a [[game]] of cards.

* '''Although our intellect always longs for clarity and [[certainty]], our nature often finds uncertainty fascinating.'''

* '''With uncertainty in one scale, courage and self-confidence should be thrown into the other to correct the balance. The greater they are, the greater the margin that can be left for accidents.'''

* ...the side that feels the lesser urge for [[peace]] will naturally get the better bargain.

* Blind aggressiveness would destroy the attack itself, not the defense.

* Our discussion has shown that while in war many different roads can lead to the goal, to the attainment of the political object, fighting is the only possible means.

* '''Any complex activity, if it is to be carried on with any degree of virtuosity, calls for appropriate gifts of intellect and temperament. If they are outstanding and reveal themselves in exceptional achievements, their possessor is called a '[[genius]]'.'''

* '''If the [[mind]] is to emerge unscathed from this relentless struggle with the unforeseen, two qualities are indispensable: first, an intellect that, even in the darkest hour, retains some glimmerings of the inner light which leads to truth; and second, the courage to follow this faint light wherever it may lead.'''

* ...the role of determination is to limit the agonies of doubt and the perils of hesitation when the motives for action are inadequate.

* Of all the [[passions]] that inspire a man in a battle, none, we have to admit, is so powerful and so constant as the longing for [[honor]] and renown.

* Obstinacy is a fault of temperament. Stubbornness and intolerance of contradiction result from a special kind of egotism, which elevates above everything else the pleasure of its autonomous intellect, to which others must bow.

* ...self-reliance is the best defense against the pressures of the moment.

* '''Everything in war is simple, but the simplest thing is difficult.'''

==== Book 2 ====
* Architects and painters know precisely what they are about as long as they deal with material phenomena. … But when they come to the aesthetics of their work, when they aim at a particular effect on the mind or on the senses, the rules dissolve into nothing but vague ideas.

* Modern wars are seldom fought without hatred between nations; this serves more or less as a substitute for hatred between individuals.

* ...soldierly simplicity of character that has always represented the military at its best. In the higher ranks it is different. The higher a man is placed, the broader his point of view. Different interests and a wide variety of passions, good and bad, will arise on all sides. Envy and generosity, pride and humility, wrath and compassion - all may appear as effective forces in this great drama.

* ...talent and genius operate outside the rules, and theory conflicts with practice.

* The more physical the activity, the less the difficulties will be. The more the activity becomes intellectual and turns into motives which exercise a determining influence on the commander's will, the more the difficulties will increase.

* Great things alone can make a great mind, and petty things will make a petty mind unless a man rejects them as completely alien.

* Knowledge in war is very simple, being concerned with so few subjects, and only with their final results at that. But this does not make its application easy.

* ...an intellectual instinct which extracts the essence from the phenomena of life, as a bee sucks honey from a flower. In addition to study and reflections, life itself serves as a source.

* Knowledge must be so absorbed into the mind that it ceases to exist in a separate, objective way.

* ...it is better to go on striking in the same direction than to move one's forces this way and that.

* There are times when the utmost daring is the height of wisdom.

* Thus it has come about that our theoretical and critical literature, instead of giving plain, straightforward arguments in which the author at least always knows what he is saying and the reader what he is reading, is crammed with jargon, ending at obscure crossroads where the author loses its readers. Sometimes these books are even worse: they are just hollow shells. The author himself no longer knows just what he is thinking and soothes himself with obscure ideas which would not satisfy him if expressed in plain speech.

* Anyone who feels the urge to undertake such a task must dedicate himself for his labors as he would prepare for a pilgrimage to distant lands. He must spare no time or effort, fear no earthly power or rank, and rise above his own vanity or false modesty in order to tell, in accordance with the expression of the Code Napoléon, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

* Essentally combat is an expression of hostile feelings. But in the large-scale combat that we call war hostile feelings often have become merely hostile intentions. At any rate, there are usually no hostile feelings between individuals. Yet such emotions can never be completely absent from war. Modern wars are seldom fought without hatred between nations; this serves as a more or less substitute for the hatred between individuals. Even when there is no natural hatred and no animosity to start with, the fighting itself will stir up hostile feelings: violence committed on superior orders will stir up the desire for revenge and retaliation against the perpetrator rather than against the powers that ordered the action. It is only human (or animal, if you like), but it is a fact.

==== Book 3 ====
* A prince or general can best demonstrate his genius by managing a campaign exactly to suit his objectives and his resources, doing neither too much nor too little.

* What we should admire is the acute fulfillment of the unspoken assumptions, the smooth harmony of the whole activity, which only become evident in the final success.

* Where execution is dominant, as it is in the individual events of a war whether great or small, then intellectual factors are reduced to a minimum.

* If we do not learn to regard a war, and the separate campaigns of which it is composed, as a chain of linked engagements each leading to the next, but instead succumb to the idea that the capture of certain geographical points or the seizure of undefended provinces are of value in themselves, we are liable to regard them as windfall profits. In so doing, and in ignoring the fact that they are links in a continuous chain of events, we also ignore the possibility that their possession may later lead to definite disadvantages.

* ...in war, the advantages and disadvantages of a single action could only be determined by the final balance.

* The moral elements are among the most important in war. They constitute the spirit that permeates war as a whole, and at an early stage they establish a close affinity with the will that moves and leads a whole mass of force, practically merging with it, since the will is itself a moral quantity. Unfortunately they will not yield to academic wisdom. They cannot be classified or counted. They have to be seen or felt. …  It is paltry philosophy if in the old-fashioned way one lays down rules and principles in total disregard of moral values. As soon as these appear one regards them as exceptions, which gives them a certain scientific status, and thus makes them into rules. Or again one may appeal to genius, which is above all rules; which amounts to admitting that rules are not only made for idiots, but are idiotic in themselves.
** Ch 3 : Moral Factors,  as translated by Michael Howard and Peter Paret.

* The commander's talents are given greatest scope in rough hilly country. Mountains allow him too little real command over his scattered units and he is unable to control them all; in open country, control is a simple matter and does not test his ability to the fullest.

* Boldness will be at a disadvantage only in an encounter with deliberate caution, which may be considered bold in its own right, and is certainly just as powerful and effective; but such cases are rare.

* Timidity is the root of prudence in the majority of men.

* Boldness governed by superior intellect is the mark of a hero.

* ...as man under pressure tends to give in to physical and intellectual weakness, only great strength of will can lead to the objective.

* Beauty cannot be defined by abscissas and ordinates; neither are circles and ellipses created by their geometrical formulas.

* If a segment of one's force is located where it is not sufficiently busy with the enemy, or if the troops are on the march - that is, idle - while the enemy is fighting, then these forces are being managed uneconomically. In this sense they are being wasted, which is even worse than using them inappropriately.

* ...any move made in a state of tension will be of more important, and will have more results, than it would have made in a state of equilibrium. In times of maximum tension this importance will rise to an infinite degree.

* The state of crisis is the real war; the equilibrium is nothing but its reflex.

==== Book 5 ====
* All war presupposes human weakness and seeks to exploit it.

==== Book 6 ====

* What is the object of defense? ''To preserve.''  To preserve is easier than to acquire.
** Ch. 1

* Every suspension of offensive action, either from erroneous views, from fear or from indolence, is in favor of the side acting defensively.
** Ch. 1

* If defense is the stronger form of war, yet has a negative object, it follows that it should be used only so long as weakness compels, and be abandoned as soon as we are strong enough to pursue a positive object.
** Ch. 1

* But if the assailant, without troubling himself about the existence of the Army awaiting his attack in a defensive position, advances with his main body by another line in pursuit of his object, then he 'passes by the position,' and if he can do this with impunity, and really does it, he will immediately enforce the abandonment of the position, consequently put an end to its usefulness.
** Ch. 1

* Surprise becomes effective when we suddenly face the enemy at one point with far more troops than he expected. This type of numerical superiority is quite distinct from numerical superiority in general: it is the most powerful medium in the art of war.
** Ch. 1

* Phillipsburg was the name of one of those badly drawn fortresses resembling a fool with his nose too close to the wall.
** Ch. 2

* The Conqueror is always a lover of peace: he would prefer to take over our country unopposed.
** Ch. 2

* '''A conqueror is always a lover of peace''' (as Bonaparte always asserted of himself); '''he would like to make his entry into our state unopposed'''; in order to prevent this, we must choose war, and therefore also make preparations, that is in other words, it is just the weak, or that side which must defend itself, which should be always armed in order not to be taken by surprise; so it is willed by the art of war. (Original German: ''&quot;Der Eroberer ist immer friedliebend (wie Bonaparte auch stets behauptet hat), er zöge ganz gern ruhig in unseren Staat ein; damit er dies aber nicht könne, darum müssen wir den Krieg wollen und also auch vorbereiten, d. h. mit anderen Worten: es sollen gerade die Schwachen, der Verteidigung Unterworfenen, immer gerüstet sein und nicht überfallen werden; so will es die Kriegskunst.&quot;'')
** Ch. 5

* A general who allows himself to be decisively defeated in an extended mountain position deserves to be court-martialled.
** Ch. 11

* ...only a fraction of book learning will seep into practical life anyhow; and the more foolish the theory, the less of it.
** Ch. 17

==Quotes about Clausewitz==
*''On War'' constitutes the most important single work ever written on the subject. It has inspired general staffs, radical thinkers like [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao Tse-tung]], and (with the start of the [[Cold War]]) jargon-ridden American academic studies of &quot;strategy&quot;, huge in size but low in payload. Yet, oddly enough, Clausewitz figures little in university courses on political thought. Why [[Edmund Burke|Burke]], [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] and [[John Stuart Mill|J.S. Mill]], but not Clausewitz? It is because his analysis is far too [[w:Political correctness|politically incorrect]] to be acceptable to the [[Liberalism|liberal]] mindset that has prevailed in Western academia since the mid-19th century. But such is Clausewitz's continuing power that small-l liberals even including, sad to say, [[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]], author of this year's [[w:Reith Lectures|Reith Lectures]] – are at vast pains to dismiss his thinking as irrelevant, outmoded, dangerous or, absurdly, amoral. 
**[[Correlli Barnett]], 'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*What lessons, then, does the case of Clausewitz...offer to a military historian asked to ponder the future of war over the next 170 years? The first is that it would be pointless to imagine that future in terms of even the most advanced military technology of today. Everything that Clausewitz wrote, about the actual conduct of operations became irrelevant within 50 years, because firepower became transformed by breechloading, rifling and the machine-gun, while logistics and communications were transformed by the railway and the electric telegraph... Rather than thus seek to predict how wars will be operationally conducted and with what technology, it is more useful to return for guidance to Clausewitz's fundamental insights into the enduring nature of conflict and the relationship between war and politics. He famously wrote that &quot;war is a continuation of policy by other means&quot;, meaning that it is not just a regrettable breakdown of a natural human harmony (as in the liberal view), but a tool of political purpose, and one which should be governed throughout its course by political, not purely military considerations. War, he further observes, is an act of violence intended to compel an opponent to fulfil our will. 
**[[Correlli Barnett]], 'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*We all know the dictum of Clausewitz, one of the most famous writers on the philosophy and history of war, which says: “War is a continuation of policy by other means.” This dictum comes from a writer who reviewed the history of wars and drew philosophic lessons from it shortly after the period of the Napoleonic wars. This writer, whose basic views are now undoubtedly familiar to every thinking person, nearly eighty years ago challenged the ignorant man-in-the-street conception of war as being a thing apart from the policies of the governments and classes concerned, as being a simple attack that disturbs the peace, and is then followed by restoration of the peace thus disturbed…
**[[Vladimir Lenin]], '[https://www.marxists.org/archive/lenin/works/1917/may/14.htm War and Revolution: A Lecture Delivered May 14 (27), 1917]', ''Pravda'' No. 93 (23 April 1929)
*** Известно изречение одного из самых знаменитых писателей по философии войн и по истории войн — Клаузевица, которое гласит: «Война есть продолжение политики иными средствами». Это изречение принадлежит писателю, который обозревал историю войн и выводил философские уроки из этой истории — вскоре после эпохи наполеоновских войн. Этот писатель, основные мысли которого сделались в настоящее время безусловным приобретением всякого мыслящего человека, уже около 80 лет тому назад боролся против обывательского и невежественного предрассудка, будто бы войну можно выделить из политики соответственных правительств, соответственных классов, будто бы войну когда-нибудь можно рассматривать как простое нападение, нарушающее мир, и затем восстановление этого нарушенного мира.

*[T]he rascal has a ‘common sense’ bordering on wit.
**[[Karl Marx]] to [[Friedrich Engels]], quoted in Carl von Clausewitz, ''On War'', ed. Michael Howard and Peter Paret (1989), p. 44

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*[http://www.clausewitz.com/CWZHOME/CWZBASE.htm Clausewitz Homepage]
*[http://www.military-quotes.com/Clausewitz.htm Military related Karl von Clausewitz quotes]

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      <text bytes="30518" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ataturk1930s.jpg|thumb|We must delve into our roots and reconstruct what [[history]] has divided.]]
'''[[w:Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Kemal Atatürk]]''' (or alternatively written as '''Kamâl Atatürk''', '''Mustafa Kemal [[w:Pasha|Pasha]]''' [[w:Surname Law (Turkey)|until 1934]], commonly referred to as '''Mustafa Kemal Atatürk'''; 1881 – 10 November 1938) was a [[Turkey|Turkish]] [[w:Mareşal (Turkey)|field marshal]] and [[w:Turkish National Movement|revolutionary]] [[Statesmanship|statesman]] who was the founder and first [[w:President of Turkey|President of the Republic of Turkey]]. His [[w:Benevolent dictatorship|benevolent dictatorship]] undertook sweeping [[Progressivism|progressive]] [[w:Atatürk's Reforms|reforms]], which modernized Turkey into a secular, industrializing nation. Ideologically a [[Secularism|secularist]] and [[Nationalism|nationalist]], his policies and theories became known as [[w:Kemalism|Kemalism]]. Due to his military and political accomplishments, Atatürk is regarded according to studies as one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century.

== Quotes ==
&lt;!-- Arranged chronologically by source --&gt; 
[[File:Mustafa Kemal during the Gallipoli Campaign.jpg|thumb|Men, I am not ordering you to attack. I am ordering you to [[die]].]]
[[File:Onur Anıtı heykel, 1973.jpg|thumb|Unless a nation's [[life]] faces peril, [[war]] is [[murder]].]]
[[File:Sivas Turkish alphabet.jpg|thumb|My [[people]] are going to [[learn]] the [[principles]] of [[democracy]], the dictates of [[truth]] and the [[teachings]] of [[science]]. [[Superstition]] must go.]] 
[[File:Atatürk (1938).jpg|thumb|Every man can follow his own [[conscience]], provided it does not interfere with sane [[reason]] or bid him against the [[liberty]] of his fellow-men.]]
[[File:Attaturkswords5.jpg|thumb|[[Heroes]] who shed their blood and lost their lives! You are now lying in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore rest in [[peace]].]]
[[File:Stambul.JPG|thumb|[[Peace]] at [[w:Homeland|Home]], Peace in the [[World]].]]
[[File:Скульптура Девушка с голубем. Marmaris. Mugla. Turkey. Июнь 2015 - panoramio.jpg|thumb|Everything we see in the [[world]] is the [[creative]] [[work]] of [[women]].]]
[[File:Ziegenhagen - Chodowiecki 2.jpg|thumb|[[Religion]]s have been basis of the [[tyranny]] of [[king]]s and sultans.]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|[[Mankind]] is a single [[body]] and each [[nation]] a part of that body.]]
[[File:Turkishflag.jpg|thumb|The [[nation]] has placed its [[faith]] in the precept that all [[laws]] should be inspired by actual [[needs]] here on [[earth]] as a basic [[fact]] of national [[life]].]]
[[File:Ataturk visits a school.jpg|thumb|[[Humankind]] is made up of two sexes, [[women]] and [[men]]. Is it possible for humankind to grow by the improvement of only one part while the other part is ignored?]]
[[File:Müşir Gazi Mustafa Kemal Paşa, Balıkesir, 1923.png|thumb|We did not win the [[war]] with [[prayers]], but with the [[blood]] of our [[soldiers]].]]

* '''Men, I am not ordering you to attack. I am ordering you to die.''' In the time that it takes us to die, other forces and commanders can come and take our place.
** Orders to the 57th Infantry Regiment, at the [[w:Battle of Gallipoli|Battle of Gallipoli]] (25 April 1915); as quoted in [https://www.armyupress.army.mil/Portals/7/combat-studies-institute/csi-books/battles.pdf ''Studies in Battle Command''] by Combat Studies Institute, US Army Command and General Staff College, p. 89; also quoted in ''Turkey'' (2007) by Verity Campbell, p. 188
*** Variant translation: I am not ordering you to fight, I am ordering you to die.

* '''If you don't have ammunition, you have [[Bayonet|bayonets]]! FIX BAYONETS! GET DOWN!'''
** Instructions to his soldiers to answer an ANZAC attack on Chunuk Bair (25 April 1915)

* '''Our life here is truly hellish.''' Fortunately, my soldiers are very brave and tougher than the enemy. 
** Letter to Corinne Lütfü, from the Gallipoli peninsula (20 July 1915) as translated in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'' (2002) by Andrew Mango. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|158567334X}}&lt;/small&gt;

* ''Hattı müdafaa yoktur, sathı müdafaa vardır. O satıh bütün vatandır.''
** '''There is no defense line, but defense territory. This territory is the whole of the motherland!'''
*** His order to the Turkish army at the [[w:Battle of Sakarya|Battle of Sakarya]] (26 August 1921); Turkish, as quoted in ''Bugünkü Türkiye'' (1937), by Stephan Ronart, p. 127
** Variant: ''Hattı müdafaa yoktur, sathı müdafaa vardır. O satıh bütün vatandır. Vatanın her karış toprağı, vatandaşın kanıyla ıslanmadıkça terk olunamaz…''
*** Variant translation: '''There is no defense line, but a defense territory, and that territory is the whole of the motherland. Not even an inch of the motherland may be abandoned without being soaked in the blood of her citizens...'''
**** English translation, as quoted in ''History of the Ottoman Empire and Modern Turkey'' (1976) by Stanford Jay Shaw

* ''Milletin hayatı tehlikeye maruz kalmadıkça, savaş bir cinayettir.''
** '''Unless a nation's life faces peril, war is murder.'''
*** Variant translation: '''Unless a nation's citizens are in danger, war is a crime.'''
**** [http://www.atam.gov.tr/index.php?Page=SoylevDemecler&amp;IcerikNo=155 &quot;Adana Çiftçileriyle Konuşma&quot; (16 March 1923)]; English translation as delivered in [http://turkishembassy.com/II/O/AtaturksPage.htm an address by Talat S. Halman (10 November 1995)], quoted in ''The Turkish Times'' (1 December 1995)

*Our object now is to strengthen the ties that bind us to other nations. There may be a great many countries in the world, but there is only one civilization, and if a nation is to achieve progress, she must be a part of this civilization. The [[w:Ottoman Empire|Ottoman Empire]] began to decline the day when, proud of her success against the West, she cut the ties that bound her to the European nations.
**Speech to the press (29 October 1923), quoted in Vakur Versan, 'The Kemalist Reform of Turkish Law and Its Impact', in Jacob M. Landau (ed.), ''Atatürk and the Modernization of Turkey'' (Boulder, Colorado: Westview Press, 1984), p. 247

* '''In human life, you will find players of religion until the knowledge and proficiency in [[religion]] will be cleansed from all [[Superstition|superstitions]], and will be purified and perfected by the enlightenment of real science.'''
**Speech (October 1927); quoted in ''Atatürk’ten Düşünceler'' by E. Z. Karal, p. 59

* ...O Turkish child of future generations! As you see, even under these circumstances and conditions, it is your duty to save the Turkish Independence and the Republic! The strength that you will need is present in the noble blood which flows in your veins!
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20190110093404/http://www.ataturksociety.org/about-ataturk/ataturks-speech-to-youth/ Address To Turkish Youth] (20 October 1927)

* Today the [[Soviet Union]] is a friend and an ally. We need this friendship. However, no one can know what will happen tomorrow. Just like the Ottoman and [[w:Austro-Hungarian Empire|Austro-Hungarian Empires]] it may tear itself apart or shrink in size. Those peoples that it holds so tightly in its grip may one day slip away. The world may see a new balance of power. It is then that Turkey must know what to do. Ally Soviets have under their control our brothers with whom we share language, beliefs and roots. We must be prepared to embrace them. Being ready does not mean that we will sit quietly and wait. We must get ready. How does a people get prepared for such an endeavour? By strengthening the natural bridges that exist between us. Language is a bridge... Religion is a bridge... History is a bridge... '''We must delve into our roots and reconstruct what history has divided. We can't wait for them to approach us. We must reach out to them.'''
** Speech at Çankaya Pavilion (29 October 1933); quoted in [http://kitap.antoloji.com/kitap.asp?kitap=16216 Orta(daki) Asya Ülkeleri -Mustafa Balbay - Cumhuriyet Kitapları]

* ''Bu memleketin toprakları üstünde kanlarını döken kahramanlar! Burada dost bir vatanın toprağındasınız. Huzur ve sükun içinde uyuyunuz. Sizler Mehmetçiklerle yan yana koyun koyunasınız. Uzak diyarlardan evlatlarını harbe gönderen analar! Gözyaşlarınızı dindiriniz. Evlatlarınız bizim bağrımızdadır, huzur içindedirler ve huzur içinde rahat rahat uyuyacaklardır. Onlar bu toprakta canlarını verdikten sonra artık bizim evlatlarımız olmuşlardır.''
** '''The heroes who shed their blood and lost their lives on this country's soil! You are in the soil of a friendly country now. Therefore rest in peace.''' You are side by side with the little Mehmets. The mothers who send their sons to the war! Wipe your tears away. Your sons are in our bosom, are in peace and will be sleeping in peace comfortably. From now on, they have became our sons since they have lost their lives on this land.
*** A tribute to those [[w:Anzac|ANZAC]]s who died in [[w:Gallipoli (battle)|Gallipoli]] (1934), this is inscribed on the [http://www.mch.govt.nz/emblems/monuments/ataturk.html Atatürk Memorial in Turakena Bay, Gallipoli] and at the [[w:Kemal Atatürk Memorial, Canberra|Kemal Atatürk Memorial, Canberra]]

* '''I have no religion, and at times I wish all religions at the bottom of the sea'''. He is a weak ruler who needs religion to uphold his government; it is as if he would catch his people in a trap. '''My people are going to learn the principles of democracy, the dictates of truth and the teachings of science.''' Superstition must go. Let them worship as they will; every man can follow his own conscience, provided it does not interfere with sane reason or bid him against the liberty of his fellow-men.
**Quoted in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'', by Andrew Mango; &quot;In a book published in 1928, Grace Ellison quotes [Atatürk], presumably in 1926-27&quot;, Grace Ellison ''Turkey Today'' (London: Hutchinson, 1928)

* We do not consider our principles as dogmas contained in books that are said to come from heaven. We derive our inspiration, not from heaven, or from an unseen world, but directly from life.
** Statement (1 November 1937), as quoted in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'' (2002) by Andrew Mango

* ''Tarih yazmak, tarih yapmak kadar mühimdir. Yazan yapana sadık kalmazsa değişmeyen hakikat, insanlığı şaşırtacak bir mahiyet alır.''
** '''To write history is as important as to make history. If the writer does not remain true to the maker, then the unchanging truth takes on a quality that will confuse the humanity.'''
*** As quoted by Hasan Cemil Çambel in  [http://www.kultur.gov.tr/TR,25417/tarih.html ''T.T.K. Belleten'' (1939), Vol: 3, no: 10, p. 272, Turkish Republic Ministry of Culture]

* A nation which makes the final sacrifice for life and freedom does not get beaten.
** As quoted in ''Ataturk'' (1944) by M. M. Mousharrafa, p. 130

* ''Yurtta Sulh, Cihanda Sulh.''
** '''Peace at {{abbr|Home|Homeland}}, Peace in the World.'''
*** Maxim which became the motto of the Republic of Turkey; quoted in many sources including, ''Atatürk'' (1963) by Uluğ İğdemir, p. 200; and ''Small Nations and Great Powers: A Study of Ethnopolitical Conflict in the Caucasus'' (2000) by [[w:Svante Cornell|Svante E. Cornell]], p. 287

* '''Lasting peace is sought, it is essential to adopt international measures to improve the lot of the masses.''' The welfare of the entire human race must replace hunger and oppression. People of the world must be taught to give up envy, avarice and rancour.
** As quoted in ''I. Milletlerarası Gençlik Kongresi'' [''First International Youth Congress''] (1988) by Selçuk University, p. 19

* Even before accepting the religion of the Arabs, the Turks were a great nation. After accepting the religion of the Arabs, this religion, didn't effect to combine the Arabs, the Persians and Egyptians with the Turks to constitute a nation. (This religion) rather, loosened the national nexus of Turkish nation, got national excitement numb. This was very natural. Because the purpose of the religion founded by Muhammad, over all nations, was to drag to an including Arab national politics.
** As quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 364

* ''Kralların ve padişahların istibdadına dinler mesnet olmuştur.''
** Religions have been basis of the tyranny of kings and sultans.
*** As quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 438

* '''Everything we see in the world is the creative work of women.'''
** As quoted in ''The Macmillan Dictionary of Political Quotations'' (1993) by Lewis D. Eigen and Jonathan Paul Siegel, p. 424; also in ''Ataturk: First President and Founder of the Turkish Republic'' (2002) by Yüksel Atillasoy, p. 15

* '''[[Religion]] is an important institution. A nation without religion cannot survive. Yet it is also very important to note that religion is a link between [[Allah]] and the individual believer.''' The brokerage of the pious cannot be permitted. '''Those who use religion for their own benefit are detestable.''' We are against such a situation and will not allow it. Those who use religion in such a manner have fooled our people; it is against just such people that we have fought and will continue to fight. '''Know that whatever conforms to [[reason]], [[logic]], and the advantages and needs of our people conforms equally to [[Islam]].''' If our religion did not conform to reason and logic, it would not be the perfect religion, the final religion.
** As quoted in ''Kemalizm, Laiklik ve Demokrasi'' [''Kemalism, Laicism and Democracy''] (1994) by Ahmet Taner Kışlalı

* The foundation of our religion is very strong. The material is strong as well, but the building itself was neglected for hundreds of years. As the plaster dropped down, none thought to replace it and none felt the need to reinforce the building. Quite the contrary: many foreign elements and interpretations, as well as empty beliefs, came along and damaged it still more.
** As quoted in ''Kemalizm, Laiklik ve Demokrasi'' [''Kemalism, Laicism and Democracy''] (1994) by Ahmet Taner Kışlalı

* ''Sesiniz, benim sesimdir. Unutmayınız!''
** '''Your voice is my voice. Do not forget it!'''
*** Statement made to those going to foreign nations or international conferences, as quoted by F. Rıfkı Atay; also quoted (in Turkish) in ''Atatürk ve çevresindekiler'' [''Atatürk and his Entourage''] (1995) by Kemal Arıburnu, p. 128
** Variant translation: Your voice is my voice. Do not forget!

* ''İstikbal göklerdedir.''
** '''The future is in the skies.'''
*** Atatürk's comment on aerospace-aeronautics, as quoted in ''Modernism and Nation-Building: Turkish Architectural Culture in the Early Republic'' (2001), p. 126 by Sibel Bozdoğan

* '''Mankind is a single body and each nation a part of that body.''' We must never say &quot;What does it matter to me if some part of the world is ailing?&quot; If there is such an illness, we must concern ourselves with it as though we were having that illness.
** As quoted by [[Paul Wolfowitz]] in an [http://www.defenselink.mil/speeches/speech.aspx?speechid=198 address to the Washington Institute for Near East Policy, Washington, D.C. (13 March 2002)]

* ''İki Mustafa Kemal vardır: Biri ben, et ve kemik, geçici Mustafa Kemal... İkinci Mustafa Kemal, onu &quot;ben&quot; kelimesiyle ifade edemem; o, ben değil, bizdir! O, memleketin her köşesinde yeni fikir, yeni hayat ve büyük ülkü için uğraşan aydın ve savaşçı bir topluluktur. Ben, onların rüyasını temsil ediyorum. Benim teşebbüslerim, onların özlemini çektikleri şeyleri tatmin içindir. O Mustafa Kemal sizsiniz, hepinizsiniz. Geçici olmayan, yaşaması ve başarılı olması gereken Mustafa Kemal odur.''
** There are two Mustafa Kemals: One is me, the flesh-and-blood, mortal Mustafa Kemal … The second Mustafa Kemal,… I can not express it with the word “me”, it is not “me”, it is “we”. That is an intellectual and challenging society, struggling in every corner of the homeland for new ideas, new life and the great ideal. I represent their dream. My attempts are to satisfy the things they long. That Mustafa Kemal is you, all of you. That is the non provisional Mustafa Kemal that must live and succeed.
*** As quoted in ''Ataturk: First President and Founder of the Turkish Republic'' (2002) by Yüksel Atillasoy, p. 19

* '''The nation has placed its faith in the precept that all laws should be inspired by actual needs here on earth as a basic fact of national life.'''
** As quoted in ''A World View of Criminal Justice'' (2005) by Richard K. Vogler, p. 116

* '''Humankind is made up of two sexes, women and men. Is it possible for humankind to grow by the improvement of only one part while the other part is ignored?''' Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains that the other half can soar into skies?
** As quoted in [http://jmilton6000.wordpress.com/2006/10/29/ataturk/ &quot;Atatürk&quot; in ''Images of a Divided World'' (29 October 2006)]
*** Variant translation: Humankind consists of two sexes, woman and man. Is it possible that a mass is improved by the improvement of only one part and the other ignored? Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains and the other half can soar into skies?

* [Turkish women] had lived free of the veil for 5,000 years, and had been covered only in the last 600 years.
** As quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dNFhZzug6tMC&amp;pg=PA38 ''Ataturk : An Intellectual Biography'' (2011) by M. Şükrü Hanioğlu, p. 38]

* We did not win the war with prayers, but with the blood of our soldiers.
** Explaining his dismissal of the imam assigned to the Turkish Grand National Assembly; as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dNFhZzug6tMC&amp;pg=PA145 ''Ataturk : An Intellectual Biography'' (2011) by M. Şükrü Hanioğlu, p. 145] &lt;!-- Princeton University Press isbn 978-1-4008-3817-2 --&gt;

* Turkey's true master is the [[peasant]]. 
** As quoted in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=H9ao45JHuVAC&amp;pg=PT27 U.S.A. Toddler Importing as a Turkish Businessman]'' (2011) by Thomas Chi, p. 27

* I do not leave any verses, dogmas, nor any moulded standard principles as moral heritage. '''My moral heritage is science and reason.''' What I have done and intended to do for the Turkish nation lies in that. Anyone willing to appropriate my ideas for themselves after me will be my moral inheritors provided they would approve the guidance of science and reason on this axis.
** As quoted in ''Kemalist Devrim ve İdeolojisi'' (1980) by İsmet Giritli, İstanbul Üniversitesi Yayınları, p. 13

* '''The torch that the Turkish nation holds in her hand and in her mind, while marching on the road of progress and civilisation, is positive sciences.'''
** [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atat%C3%BCrk%27s_Tenth_Year_Speech Speech on the tenth anniversary of the Republic, 1933]

* '''Sovereignty and kingship are never decided by academic debate. They are seized by force. The Ottoman dynasty appropriated by force the government of the Turks, and reigned over them for six centuries. Now the Turkish nation has effectively gained possession of its sovereignty…''' This is an accomplished fact… If those assembled here … see the matter in its natural light, we shall all agree. Otherwise, facts will still prevail, but some heads may roll.
** [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abolition_of_the_Ottoman_sultanate Abolition of the Ottoman sultanate, 1922]; also quoted in ''[http://tr.wikisource.org/wiki/Nutuk/14._b%C3%B6l%C3%BCm/M%C3%BC%C5%9Fterek_Enc%C3%BCmen%27e_anlatt%C4%B1%C4%9F%C4%B1m_hakikat Nutuk]'' (1927) by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

* '''[[Science]] is the most real guide for civilisation, for life, for success in the world.''' To search for a guide other than science is absurdity, ignorance and heresy.
** As quoted in ''Atatürkçülük'', Volume I, General Staff of the Republic of Turkey, Millî Eğitim Basımevi, 1984, p. 283

* The Republic of Turkey cannot be a country of sheikhs, dervishes, and disciples. The truest, most real order is the order of civilisation.
** As quoted in ''Atatürk'ün Söylev ve Demeçleri'', Volume II, p. 215

* '''Victory belongs to those who can say 'Victory is mine'.''' Success belongs to those who can begin saying 'I will succeed' and say 'I have succeed' in the end.
** Published in the ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hakimiyet-i_Milliye Hakimiyet-i Milliye]'' on 12 January 1925.

* To see me does not necessarily mean to see my face. To understand my thoughts, my feelings is to have seen me.
** As quoted in ''Atatürk'' by Prof. Dr. Utkan Kocatürk, Kültür ve Turizm Bakanlığı Yayınları, p. 207

* Those who see the existence of all mankind in their own person are miserable. Obviously, that man will disappear as an individual. The need for any person to be satisfied and happy to live is to work not for himself but for the future. An insightful man can only act this way. Full enjoyment and happiness in life, but the honor, presence, happiness of future generations can be found.
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20180628120602/http://www.atam.gov.tr/ataturkun-soylev-ve-demecleri/romanya-disisleri-bakani-antonescu-ile-konusma He told Romanian Foreign Minister Victor Antonescu on 20 March 1937]

* '''Why after my years of education, after studying the secular civilization and the socialization process, should I decent to the level of common people, I will make them rise to my level, let me not resemble them, they should resemble me!'''
** Diary entry in Karlsbad on 6 July 1918, also quoted in ''Ataturk: Founder of Modern Turkey'', a biographical documentary about Atatürk

{{Disputed begin}}

==Disputed==
* For nearly five hundred years, these rules and theories of an Arab Shaikh and the interpretations of generations of lazy and good-for-nothing priests have decided the civil and criminal law of Turkey. They have decided the form of the Constitution, the details of the lives of each Turk, his food, his hours of rising and sleeping the shape of his clothes, the routine of the midwife who produced his children, what he learned in his schools, his customs, his thoughts-even his most intimate habits. Islam – this theology of an immoral Arab – is a dead thing. Possibly it might have suited tribes in the desert. It is no good for modern, progressive state. God’s revelation! There is no God! These are only the chains by which the priests and bad rulers bound the people down. A ruler who needs religion is a weakling. No weaklings should rule.
** As quoted in ''Grey Wolf: Mustafa Kemal – An intimate study of a dictator'' (1932) by Harold Courtenay Armstrong, pp. 199-200
{{Disputed end}}

== Quotes about Atatürk ==
[[File:Peaceful daytime demonstrations in Taksim park. Events of June 3, 2013.jpg|thumb|Above all, he was a builder, the greatest nation-builder of modern times. ~ [[w:en:Andrew Mango|Andrew Mango]] ]]
* He is a man born out of due season, an anachronism, a throw-back to the Tartars&lt;!--sic--&gt; of the Steppes&lt;!--sic--&gt;, a fierce elemental force of a man. Had he been born in the centuries when all Central Asia was on the move he would have ridden out with [[w:en:Suleyman Shah|Sulyman Shah&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] under the banner of the Grey Wolf, and with the heart and instincts of a Grey Wolf. With his military genius, and his ruthless determination unweakened by sentiments, loyalties or moralities, he might well have been a [[Timur|Tamerlane&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] or a [[Genghis Khan|Jenghis Khan&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] riding at the head of great hordes of wild horsemen, conquering countries, devouring and destroying cities, and filling in the intervals of peace between campaigns with wild and hideous orgies of wine and women.
** Harold Courtenay Armstrong, in [http://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.201032/page/n333/mode/2up ''Grey Wolf: Mustafa Kemal – An intimate study of a dictator'' (fifth cheap edition, July 1935), p. 333]

* Most terrible of all the terrible Turks. 
** [[Arthur Balfour|Lord Balfour]], in [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9E0CE7DE1F3CEE3ABC4953DFB6678389639EDE ''THE TWO KEMALS; The Polished Aristocrat of European Circles in Contrast With the Ruthless Commander of Fanatical Turks''], New York Times, 1 October 1922.

* [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] wrote, [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] thought, Atatürk built.
** [[Bill Clinton]], address to the International Trade Organization, as quoted in [http://www.hri.org/news/turkey/trkpr/2000/00-01-05.trkpr.html ''HR-Net'' (January 5, 2000)]

* Atatürk was the first to show that it is possible to mobilize and regenerate the resources that a country has lost. In this respect Atatürk was a teacher; [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] was his first and I his second student.
** [[Adolf Hitler]] (20 April 1938), quoted in Stefan Ihrig, [https://www.docdroid.net/xaZwuc0/stefan-ihrig-ataturk-in-the-nazi-imagination-pdf#page=125 ''Atatürk in the Nazi Imagination'' (2014), p. 116]

* Turkey had been our ally in the [[World War I|World War]]. Its unfortunate result was as heavy a burden for Turkey as it was for us. The great and ingenious reconstructor of the new Turkey gave his Allies, beaten by fate, the first example of resurrection. While Turkey, thanks to the realistic attitude of her State leadership, preserved her independent attitude [[Yugoslavia]] fell a victim to [[United Kingdom|British]] intrigues.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [[s:Adolf Hitler's Address to the Reichstag (4 May 1941)|addressed to the Reichstag on 4 May 1941]].

*The rapidity with which Mustapha Kemal Ataturk rid himself of his parsons makes one of the most remarkable chapters in history. He hanged thirty-nine of them out of hand, the rest he flung out, and [[w:en:Hagia Sophia|St. Sophia]] in [[Istanbul|Constantinople]] is now a museum!
**[[Adolf Hitler]] (1 August 1942), quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg (ed.), ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' (2008), p. 458

* The exploits of your leaders in many a historic field of battle; the progress of your Revolution; the rise and career of the great Atatürk, his revitalization of your nation by his great [[statesmanship]], courage and foresight all these stirring events are well-known to the people of [[Pakistan]].
** [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]], replying to a speech made by the first Turkish Ambassador to Pakistan at the time of presenting credentials to the Quaid-i-Azam (4 March 1948) 

* '''The name of Atatürk brings to mind the historic accomplishments of one of the great men of this century, his inspired leadership of the Turkish people, his perceptive understanding of the modern world and his boldness as a military leader.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], speaking in Washington D.C. (10 November 1963), [http://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=File%3AJFKennedy_November1963.ogg on the 25th commemoration of Atatürk's death.]

* Above all, he was a builder, the greatest nation-builder of modern times.
** [[w:en:Andrew Mango|Andrew Mango]], in [http://books.google.com/books?id=cO50m62MA8AC&amp;pg=PT6 ''Ataturk'' (2011), p. 6] &lt;!-- Publisher : John Murray isbn 978-1-84854-618-9 --&gt;

* ...[[Greece]], which has the highest estimation of the renowned leader, heroic soldier, and enlightened creator of Turkey. We will never forget that President Atatürk was the true founder of the Turkish-Greek alliance based on a framework of common ideals and peaceful cooperation. He developed ties of friendship between the two nations which it would be unthinkable to dissolve. Greece will guard its fervent memories of this great man, who determined an unalterable future path for the noble Turkish nation.
** [[Ioannis Metaxas]], [https://neoskosmos.com/en/29861/ataturk-on-a-gallipoli-pedestal/ his comment] about Atatürk

* '''The centuries rarely produce a [[genius]]. It is our bad luck that the great genius of our era was granted to the Turkish nation.''' We could not beat Mustafa Kemal.
** This seems to have originated in ''Kurtuluş'' (1994), a Turkish TV series, in which [[David Lloyd George]] is ''portrayed'' as saying this, as [[w:George Curzon, 1st Marquess Curzon of Kedleston|George Nathaniel Curzon]] was making a complaint against [[Raymond Poincaré]]&lt;!-- perhaps in 1922 --&gt;; it has sometimes become quoted as an actual remark of the British Prime Minister, but no prior citations of such a statement have yet been found.
** Variant translation: The genius of our century — centuries rarely produce a genius. Look at this bad luck of ours, that the great genius of our era was granted to the Turkish nation.
*Now, this morning I had the great privilege of visiting the tomb of your extraordinary founder of your republic. And I was deeply impressed by this beautiful memorial to a man who did so much to shape the course of history. But it is also clear that the greatest monument to Ataturk's life is not something that can be cast in stone and marble. His greatest legacy is Turkey's strong, vibrant, secular democracy, and that is the work that this assembly carries on today.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-grand-national-assembly-turkey-ankara Remarks to the Grand National Assembly of Turkey in Ankara] (6 April 2009)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20050829191715/http://www.ataturk.com/life.htm Brief biography at Ataturk.com]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20060614142835/http://istanbulportal.com/istanbulportal/Mustafa_Kemal_Ataturk.aspx A description and gallery about him]

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      <text bytes="30888" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ataturk1930s.jpg|thumb|We must delve into our roots and reconstruct what [[history]] has divided.]]
'''[[w:Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Kemal Atatürk]]''' (or alternatively written as '''Kamâl Atatürk''', '''Mustafa Kemal [[w:Pasha|Pasha]]''' [[w:Surname Law (Turkey)|until 1934]], commonly referred to as '''Mustafa Kemal Atatürk'''; 1881 – 10 November 1938) was a [[Turkey|Turkish]] [[w:Mareşal (Turkey)|field marshal]] and [[w:Turkish National Movement|revolutionary]] [[Statesmanship|statesman]] who was the founder and first [[w:President of Turkey|President of the Republic of Turkey]]. His [[w:Benevolent dictatorship|benevolent dictatorship]] undertook sweeping [[Progressivism|progressive]] [[w:Atatürk's Reforms|reforms]], which modernized Turkey into a secular, industrializing nation. Ideologically a [[Secularism|secularist]] and [[Nationalism|nationalist]], his policies and theories became known as [[w:Kemalism|Kemalism]]. Due to his military and political accomplishments, Atatürk is regarded according to studies as one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century.

== Quotes ==
&lt;!-- Arranged chronologically by source --&gt; 
[[File:Mustafa Kemal during the Gallipoli Campaign.jpg|thumb|Men, I am not ordering you to attack. I am ordering you to [[die]].]]
[[File:Onur Anıtı heykel, 1973.jpg|thumb|Unless a nation's [[life]] faces peril, [[war]] is [[murder]].]]
[[File:Sivas Turkish alphabet.jpg|thumb|My [[people]] are going to [[learn]] the [[principles]] of [[democracy]], the dictates of [[truth]] and the [[teachings]] of [[science]]. [[Superstition]] must go.]] 
[[File:Atatürk (1938).jpg|thumb|Every man can follow his own [[conscience]], provided it does not interfere with sane [[reason]] or bid him against the [[liberty]] of his fellow-men.]]
[[File:Attaturkswords5.jpg|thumb|[[Heroes]] who shed their blood and lost their lives! You are now lying in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore rest in [[peace]].]]
[[File:Stambul.JPG|thumb|[[Peace]] at [[w:Homeland|Home]], Peace in the [[World]].]]
[[File:Скульптура Девушка с голубем. Marmaris. Mugla. Turkey. Июнь 2015 - panoramio.jpg|thumb|Everything we see in the [[world]] is the [[creative]] [[work]] of [[women]].]]
[[File:Ziegenhagen - Chodowiecki 2.jpg|thumb|[[Religion]]s have been basis of the [[tyranny]] of [[king]]s and sultans.]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|[[Mankind]] is a single [[body]] and each [[nation]] a part of that body.]]
[[File:Turkishflag.jpg|thumb|The [[nation]] has placed its [[faith]] in the precept that all [[laws]] should be inspired by actual [[needs]] here on [[earth]] as a basic [[fact]] of national [[life]].]]
[[File:Ataturk visits a school.jpg|thumb|[[Humankind]] is made up of two sexes, [[women]] and [[men]]. Is it possible for humankind to grow by the improvement of only one part while the other part is ignored?]]
[[File:Müşir Gazi Mustafa Kemal Paşa, Balıkesir, 1923.png|thumb|We did not win the [[war]] with [[prayers]], but with the [[blood]] of our [[soldiers]].]]

* '''Men, I am not ordering you to attack. I am ordering you to die.''' In the time that it takes us to die, other forces and commanders can come and take our place.
** Orders to the 57th Infantry Regiment, at the [[w:Battle of Gallipoli|Battle of Gallipoli]] (25 April 1915); as quoted in [https://www.armyupress.army.mil/Portals/7/combat-studies-institute/csi-books/battles.pdf ''Studies in Battle Command''] by Combat Studies Institute, US Army Command and General Staff College, p. 89; also quoted in ''Turkey'' (2007) by Verity Campbell, p. 188
*** Variant translation: I am not ordering you to fight, I am ordering you to die.

* '''If you don't have ammunition, you have [[Bayonet|bayonets]]! FIX BAYONETS! GET DOWN!'''
** Instructions to his soldiers to answer an ANZAC attack on Chunuk Bair (25 April 1915)

* '''Our life here is truly hellish.''' Fortunately, my soldiers are very brave and tougher than the enemy. 
** Letter to Corinne Lütfü, from the Gallipoli peninsula (20 July 1915) as translated in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'' (2002) by Andrew Mango. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|158567334X}}&lt;/small&gt;

* ''Hattı müdafaa yoktur, sathı müdafaa vardır. O satıh bütün vatandır.''
** '''There is no defense line, but defense territory. This territory is the whole of the motherland!'''
*** His order to the Turkish army at the [[w:Battle of Sakarya|Battle of Sakarya]] (26 August 1921); Turkish, as quoted in ''Bugünkü Türkiye'' (1937), by Stephan Ronart, p. 127
** Variant: ''Hattı müdafaa yoktur, sathı müdafaa vardır. O satıh bütün vatandır. Vatanın her karış toprağı, vatandaşın kanıyla ıslanmadıkça terk olunamaz…''
*** Variant translation: '''There is no defense line, but a defense territory, and that territory is the whole of the motherland. Not even an inch of the motherland may be abandoned without being soaked in the blood of her citizens...'''
**** English translation, as quoted in ''History of the Ottoman Empire and Modern Turkey'' (1976) by Stanford Jay Shaw

* ''Milletin hayatı tehlikeye maruz kalmadıkça, savaş bir cinayettir.''
** '''Unless a nation's life faces peril, war is murder.'''
*** Variant translation: '''Unless a nation's citizens are in danger, war is a crime.'''
**** [http://www.atam.gov.tr/index.php?Page=SoylevDemecler&amp;IcerikNo=155 &quot;Adana Çiftçileriyle Konuşma&quot; (16 March 1923)]; English translation as delivered in [http://turkishembassy.com/II/O/AtaturksPage.htm an address by Talat S. Halman (10 November 1995)], quoted in ''The Turkish Times'' (1 December 1995)

*Our object now is to strengthen the ties that bind us to other nations. There may be a great many countries in the world, but there is only one civilization, and if a nation is to achieve progress, she must be a part of this civilization. The [[w:Ottoman Empire|Ottoman Empire]] began to decline the day when, proud of her success against the West, she cut the ties that bound her to the European nations.
**Speech to the press (29 October 1923), quoted in Vakur Versan, 'The Kemalist Reform of Turkish Law and Its Impact', in Jacob M. Landau (ed.), ''Atatürk and the Modernization of Turkey'' (Boulder, Colorado: Westview Press, 1984), p. 247

* '''In human life, you will find players of religion until the knowledge and proficiency in [[religion]] will be cleansed from all [[Superstition|superstitions]], and will be purified and perfected by the enlightenment of real science.'''
**Speech (October 1927); quoted in ''Atatürk’ten Düşünceler'' by E. Z. Karal, p. 59

* ...O Turkish child of future generations! As you see, even under these circumstances and conditions, it is your duty to save the Turkish Independence and the Republic! The strength that you will need is present in the noble blood which flows in your veins!
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20190110093404/http://www.ataturksociety.org/about-ataturk/ataturks-speech-to-youth/ Address To Turkish Youth] (20 October 1927)

* Today the [[Soviet Union]] is a friend and an ally. We need this friendship. However, no one can know what will happen tomorrow. Just like the Ottoman and [[w:Austro-Hungarian Empire|Austro-Hungarian Empires]] it may tear itself apart or shrink in size. Those peoples that it holds so tightly in its grip may one day slip away. The world may see a new balance of power. It is then that Turkey must know what to do. Ally Soviets have under their control our brothers with whom we share language, beliefs and roots. We must be prepared to embrace them. Being ready does not mean that we will sit quietly and wait. We must get ready. How does a people get prepared for such an endeavour? By strengthening the natural bridges that exist between us. Language is a bridge... Religion is a bridge... History is a bridge... '''We must delve into our roots and reconstruct what history has divided. We can't wait for them to approach us. We must reach out to them.'''
** Speech at Çankaya Pavilion (29 October 1933); quoted in [http://kitap.antoloji.com/kitap.asp?kitap=16216 Orta(daki) Asya Ülkeleri -Mustafa Balbay - Cumhuriyet Kitapları]

* ''Bu memleketin toprakları üstünde kanlarını döken kahramanlar! Burada dost bir vatanın toprağındasınız. Huzur ve sükun içinde uyuyunuz. Sizler Mehmetçiklerle yan yana koyun koyunasınız. Uzak diyarlardan evlatlarını harbe gönderen analar! Gözyaşlarınızı dindiriniz. Evlatlarınız bizim bağrımızdadır, huzur içindedirler ve huzur içinde rahat rahat uyuyacaklardır. Onlar bu toprakta canlarını verdikten sonra artık bizim evlatlarımız olmuşlardır.''
** '''The heroes who shed their blood and lost their lives on this country's soil! You are in the soil of a friendly country now. Therefore rest in peace.''' You are side by side with the little Mehmets. The mothers who send their sons to the war! Wipe your tears away. Your sons are in our bosom, are in peace and will be sleeping in peace comfortably. From now on, they have became our sons since they have lost their lives on this land.
*** A tribute to those [[w:Anzac|ANZAC]]s who died in [[w:Gallipoli (battle)|Gallipoli]] (1934), this is inscribed on the [http://www.mch.govt.nz/emblems/monuments/ataturk.html Atatürk Memorial in Turakena Bay, Gallipoli] and at the [[w:Kemal Atatürk Memorial, Canberra|Kemal Atatürk Memorial, Canberra]]

* '''I have no religion, and at times I wish all religions at the bottom of the sea'''. He is a weak ruler who needs religion to uphold his government; it is as if he would catch his people in a trap. '''My people are going to learn the principles of democracy, the dictates of truth and the teachings of science.''' Superstition must go. Let them worship as they will; every man can follow his own conscience, provided it does not interfere with sane reason or bid him against the liberty of his fellow-men.
**Quoted in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'', by Andrew Mango; &quot;In a book published in 1928, Grace Ellison quotes [Atatürk], presumably in 1926-27&quot;, Grace Ellison ''Turkey Today'' (London: Hutchinson, 1928)

* We do not consider our principles as dogmas contained in books that are said to come from heaven. We derive our inspiration, not from heaven, or from an unseen world, but directly from life.
** Statement (1 November 1937), as quoted in ''Atatürk: The Biography of the founder of Modern Turkey'' (2002) by Andrew Mango

* ''Tarih yazmak, tarih yapmak kadar mühimdir. Yazan yapana sadık kalmazsa değişmeyen hakikat, insanlığı şaşırtacak bir mahiyet alır.''
** '''To write history is as important as to make history. If the writer does not remain true to the maker, then the unchanging truth takes on a quality that will confuse the humanity.'''
*** As quoted by Hasan Cemil Çambel in  [http://www.kultur.gov.tr/TR,25417/tarih.html ''T.T.K. Belleten'' (1939), Vol: 3, no: 10, p. 272, Turkish Republic Ministry of Culture]

* A nation which makes the final sacrifice for life and freedom does not get beaten.
** As quoted in ''Ataturk'' (1944) by M. M. Mousharrafa, p. 130

* ''Yurtta Sulh, Cihanda Sulh.''
** '''Peace at {{abbr|Home|Homeland}}, Peace in the World.'''
*** Maxim which became the motto of the Republic of Turkey; quoted in many sources including, ''Atatürk'' (1963) by Uluğ İğdemir, p. 200; and ''Small Nations and Great Powers: A Study of Ethnopolitical Conflict in the Caucasus'' (2000) by [[w:Svante Cornell|Svante E. Cornell]], p. 287

* '''Lasting peace is sought, it is essential to adopt international measures to improve the lot of the masses.''' The welfare of the entire human race must replace hunger and oppression. People of the world must be taught to give up envy, avarice and rancour.
** As quoted in ''I. Milletlerarası Gençlik Kongresi'' [''First International Youth Congress''] (1988) by Selçuk University, p. 19

* Even before accepting the religion of the Arabs, the Turks were a great nation. After accepting the religion of the Arabs, this religion, didn't effect to combine the Arabs, the Persians and Egyptians with the Turks to constitute a nation. (This religion) rather, loosened the national nexus of Turkish nation, got national excitement numb. This was very natural. Because the purpose of the religion founded by Muhammad, over all nations, was to drag to an including Arab national politics.
** As quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 364

* ''Kralların ve padişahların istibdadına dinler mesnet olmuştur.''
** Religions have been basis of the tyranny of kings and sultans.
*** As quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 438

* '''Everything we see in the world is the creative work of women.'''
** As quoted in ''The Macmillan Dictionary of Political Quotations'' (1993) by Lewis D. Eigen and Jonathan Paul Siegel, p. 424; also in ''Ataturk: First President and Founder of the Turkish Republic'' (2002) by Yüksel Atillasoy, p. 15

* '''[[Religion]] is an important institution. A nation without religion cannot survive. Yet it is also very important to note that religion is a link between [[Allah]] and the individual believer.''' The brokerage of the pious cannot be permitted. '''Those who use religion for their own benefit are detestable.''' We are against such a situation and will not allow it. Those who use religion in such a manner have fooled our people; it is against just such people that we have fought and will continue to fight. '''Know that whatever conforms to [[reason]], [[logic]], and the advantages and needs of our people conforms equally to [[Islam]].''' If our religion did not conform to reason and logic, it would not be the perfect religion, the final religion.
** As quoted in ''Kemalizm, Laiklik ve Demokrasi'' [''Kemalism, Laicism and Democracy''] (1994) by Ahmet Taner Kışlalı

* The foundation of our religion is very strong. The material is strong as well, but the building itself was neglected for hundreds of years. As the plaster dropped down, none thought to replace it and none felt the need to reinforce the building. Quite the contrary: many foreign elements and interpretations, as well as empty beliefs, came along and damaged it still more.
** As quoted in ''Kemalizm, Laiklik ve Demokrasi'' [''Kemalism, Laicism and Democracy''] (1994) by Ahmet Taner Kışlalı

* ''Sesiniz, benim sesimdir. Unutmayınız!''
** '''Your voice is my voice. Do not forget it!'''
*** Statement made to those going to foreign nations or international conferences, as quoted by F. Rıfkı Atay; also quoted (in Turkish) in ''Atatürk ve çevresindekiler'' [''Atatürk and his Entourage''] (1995) by Kemal Arıburnu, p. 128
** Variant translation: Your voice is my voice. Do not forget!

* ''İstikbal göklerdedir.''
** '''The future is in the skies.'''
*** Atatürk's comment on aerospace-aeronautics, as quoted in ''Modernism and Nation-Building: Turkish Architectural Culture in the Early Republic'' (2001), p. 126 by Sibel Bozdoğan

* '''Mankind is a single body and each nation a part of that body.''' We must never say &quot;What does it matter to me if some part of the world is ailing?&quot; If there is such an illness, we must concern ourselves with it as though we were having that illness.
** As quoted by [[Paul Wolfowitz]] in an [http://www.defenselink.mil/speeches/speech.aspx?speechid=198 address to the Washington Institute for Near East Policy, Washington, D.C. (13 March 2002)]

* ''İki Mustafa Kemal vardır: Biri ben, et ve kemik, geçici Mustafa Kemal... İkinci Mustafa Kemal, onu &quot;ben&quot; kelimesiyle ifade edemem; o, ben değil, bizdir! O, memleketin her köşesinde yeni fikir, yeni hayat ve büyük ülkü için uğraşan aydın ve savaşçı bir topluluktur. Ben, onların rüyasını temsil ediyorum. Benim teşebbüslerim, onların özlemini çektikleri şeyleri tatmin içindir. O Mustafa Kemal sizsiniz, hepinizsiniz. Geçici olmayan, yaşaması ve başarılı olması gereken Mustafa Kemal odur.''
** There are two Mustafa Kemals: One is me, the flesh-and-blood, mortal Mustafa Kemal … The second Mustafa Kemal,… I can not express it with the word “me”, it is not “me”, it is “we”. That is an intellectual and challenging society, struggling in every corner of the homeland for new ideas, new life and the great ideal. I represent their dream. My attempts are to satisfy the things they long. That Mustafa Kemal is you, all of you. That is the non provisional Mustafa Kemal that must live and succeed.
*** As quoted in ''Ataturk: First President and Founder of the Turkish Republic'' (2002) by Yüksel Atillasoy, p. 19

* '''The nation has placed its faith in the precept that all laws should be inspired by actual needs here on earth as a basic fact of national life.'''
** As quoted in ''A World View of Criminal Justice'' (2005) by Richard K. Vogler, p. 116

* '''Humankind is made up of two sexes, women and men. Is it possible for humankind to grow by the improvement of only one part while the other part is ignored?''' Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains that the other half can soar into skies?
** As quoted in [http://jmilton6000.wordpress.com/2006/10/29/ataturk/ &quot;Atatürk&quot; in ''Images of a Divided World'' (29 October 2006)]
*** Variant translation: Humankind consists of two sexes, woman and man. Is it possible that a mass is improved by the improvement of only one part and the other ignored? Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains and the other half can soar into skies?

* [Turkish women] had lived free of the veil for 5,000 years, and had been covered only in the last 600 years.
** As quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dNFhZzug6tMC&amp;pg=PA38 ''Ataturk : An Intellectual Biography'' (2011) by M. Şükrü Hanioğlu, p. 38]

* We did not win the war with prayers, but with the blood of our soldiers.
** Explaining his dismissal of the imam assigned to the Turkish Grand National Assembly; as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dNFhZzug6tMC&amp;pg=PA145 ''Ataturk : An Intellectual Biography'' (2011) by M. Şükrü Hanioğlu, p. 145] &lt;!-- Princeton University Press isbn 978-1-4008-3817-2 --&gt;

* Turkey's true master is the [[peasant]]. 
** As quoted in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=H9ao45JHuVAC&amp;pg=PT27 U.S.A. Toddler Importing as a Turkish Businessman]'' (2011) by Thomas Chi, p. 27

* I do not leave any verses, dogmas, nor any moulded standard principles as moral heritage. '''My moral heritage is science and reason.''' What I have done and intended to do for the Turkish nation lies in that. Anyone willing to appropriate my ideas for themselves after me will be my moral inheritors provided they would approve the guidance of science and reason on this axis.
** As quoted in ''Kemalist Devrim ve İdeolojisi'' (1980) by İsmet Giritli, İstanbul Üniversitesi Yayınları, p. 13

* '''The torch that the Turkish nation holds in her hand and in her mind, while marching on the road of progress and civilisation, is positive sciences.'''
** [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atat%C3%BCrk%27s_Tenth_Year_Speech Speech on the tenth anniversary of the Republic, 1933]

* '''Sovereignty and kingship are never decided by academic debate. They are seized by force. The Ottoman dynasty appropriated by force the government of the Turks, and reigned over them for six centuries. Now the Turkish nation has effectively gained possession of its sovereignty…''' This is an accomplished fact… If those assembled here … see the matter in its natural light, we shall all agree. Otherwise, facts will still prevail, but some heads may roll.
** [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abolition_of_the_Ottoman_sultanate Abolition of the Ottoman sultanate, 1922]; also quoted in ''[http://tr.wikisource.org/wiki/Nutuk/14._b%C3%B6l%C3%BCm/M%C3%BC%C5%9Fterek_Enc%C3%BCmen%27e_anlatt%C4%B1%C4%9F%C4%B1m_hakikat Nutuk]'' (1927) by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

* '''[[Science]] is the most real guide for civilisation, for life, for success in the world.''' To search for a guide other than science is absurdity, ignorance and heresy.
** As quoted in ''Atatürkçülük'', Volume I, General Staff of the Republic of Turkey, Millî Eğitim Basımevi, 1984, p. 283

* The Republic of Turkey cannot be a country of sheikhs, dervishes, and disciples. The truest, most real order is the order of civilisation.
** As quoted in ''Atatürk'ün Söylev ve Demeçleri'', Volume II, p. 215

* '''Victory belongs to those who can say 'Victory is mine'.''' Success belongs to those who can begin saying 'I will succeed' and say 'I have succeed' in the end.
** Published in the ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hakimiyet-i_Milliye Hakimiyet-i Milliye]'' on 12 January 1925.

* To see me does not necessarily mean to see my face. To understand my thoughts, my feelings is to have seen me.
** As quoted in ''Atatürk'' by Prof. Dr. Utkan Kocatürk, Kültür ve Turizm Bakanlığı Yayınları, p. 207

* Those who see the existence of all mankind in their own person are miserable. Obviously, that man will disappear as an individual. The need for any person to be satisfied and happy to live is to work not for himself but for the future. An insightful man can only act this way. Full enjoyment and happiness in life, but the honor, presence, happiness of future generations can be found.
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20180628120602/http://www.atam.gov.tr/ataturkun-soylev-ve-demecleri/romanya-disisleri-bakani-antonescu-ile-konusma He told Romanian Foreign Minister Victor Antonescu on 20 March 1937]

* Armenians have no rights in this prosperous country. Your country is yours, it belongs to the Turks. This country was Turkish in history, therefore it is Turkish and will live as a Turk forever.
::*''Hâkimiyet-i Milliye'', March 21, 1923. Ulgen, Fatma. ''Reading Mustafa Kemal Atatürk on the Armenian Genocide of 1915''. Patterns of prejudice 44.4 (2010): 369-391.

* '''Why after my years of education, after studying the secular civilization and the socialization process, should I decent to the level of common people, I will make them rise to my level, let me not resemble them, they should resemble me!'''
** Diary entry in Karlsbad on 6 July 1918, also quoted in ''Ataturk: Founder of Modern Turkey'', a biographical documentary about Atatürk

{{Disputed begin}}

==Disputed==
* For nearly five hundred years, these rules and theories of an Arab Shaikh and the interpretations of generations of lazy and good-for-nothing priests have decided the civil and criminal law of Turkey. They have decided the form of the Constitution, the details of the lives of each Turk, his food, his hours of rising and sleeping the shape of his clothes, the routine of the midwife who produced his children, what he learned in his schools, his customs, his thoughts-even his most intimate habits. Islam – this theology of an immoral Arab – is a dead thing. Possibly it might have suited tribes in the desert. It is no good for modern, progressive state. God’s revelation! There is no God! These are only the chains by which the priests and bad rulers bound the people down. A ruler who needs religion is a weakling. No weaklings should rule.
** As quoted in ''Grey Wolf: Mustafa Kemal – An intimate study of a dictator'' (1932) by Harold Courtenay Armstrong, pp. 199-200
{{Disputed end}}

== Quotes about Atatürk ==
[[File:Peaceful daytime demonstrations in Taksim park. Events of June 3, 2013.jpg|thumb|Above all, he was a builder, the greatest nation-builder of modern times. ~ [[w:en:Andrew Mango|Andrew Mango]] ]]
* He is a man born out of due season, an anachronism, a throw-back to the Tartars&lt;!--sic--&gt; of the Steppes&lt;!--sic--&gt;, a fierce elemental force of a man. Had he been born in the centuries when all Central Asia was on the move he would have ridden out with [[w:en:Suleyman Shah|Sulyman Shah&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] under the banner of the Grey Wolf, and with the heart and instincts of a Grey Wolf. With his military genius, and his ruthless determination unweakened by sentiments, loyalties or moralities, he might well have been a [[Timur|Tamerlane&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] or a [[Genghis Khan|Jenghis Khan&lt;!--sic--&gt;]] riding at the head of great hordes of wild horsemen, conquering countries, devouring and destroying cities, and filling in the intervals of peace between campaigns with wild and hideous orgies of wine and women.
** Harold Courtenay Armstrong, in [http://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.201032/page/n333/mode/2up ''Grey Wolf: Mustafa Kemal – An intimate study of a dictator'' (fifth cheap edition, July 1935), p. 333]

* Most terrible of all the terrible Turks. 
** [[Arthur Balfour|Lord Balfour]], in [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9E0CE7DE1F3CEE3ABC4953DFB6678389639EDE ''THE TWO KEMALS; The Polished Aristocrat of European Circles in Contrast With the Ruthless Commander of Fanatical Turks''], New York Times, 1 October 1922.

* [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] wrote, [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] thought, Atatürk built.
** [[Bill Clinton]], address to the International Trade Organization, as quoted in [http://www.hri.org/news/turkey/trkpr/2000/00-01-05.trkpr.html ''HR-Net'' (January 5, 2000)]

* Atatürk was the first to show that it is possible to mobilize and regenerate the resources that a country has lost. In this respect Atatürk was a teacher; [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] was his first and I his second student.
** [[Adolf Hitler]] (20 April 1938), quoted in Stefan Ihrig, [https://www.docdroid.net/xaZwuc0/stefan-ihrig-ataturk-in-the-nazi-imagination-pdf#page=125 ''Atatürk in the Nazi Imagination'' (2014), p. 116]

* Turkey had been our ally in the [[World War I|World War]]. Its unfortunate result was as heavy a burden for Turkey as it was for us. The great and ingenious reconstructor of the new Turkey gave his Allies, beaten by fate, the first example of resurrection. While Turkey, thanks to the realistic attitude of her State leadership, preserved her independent attitude [[Yugoslavia]] fell a victim to [[United Kingdom|British]] intrigues.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [[s:Adolf Hitler's Address to the Reichstag (4 May 1941)|addressed to the Reichstag on 4 May 1941]].

*The rapidity with which Mustapha Kemal Ataturk rid himself of his parsons makes one of the most remarkable chapters in history. He hanged thirty-nine of them out of hand, the rest he flung out, and [[w:en:Hagia Sophia|St. Sophia]] in [[Istanbul|Constantinople]] is now a museum!
**[[Adolf Hitler]] (1 August 1942), quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg (ed.), ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' (2008), p. 458

* The exploits of your leaders in many a historic field of battle; the progress of your Revolution; the rise and career of the great Atatürk, his revitalization of your nation by his great [[statesmanship]], courage and foresight all these stirring events are well-known to the people of [[Pakistan]].
** [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]], replying to a speech made by the first Turkish Ambassador to Pakistan at the time of presenting credentials to the Quaid-i-Azam (4 March 1948) 

* '''The name of Atatürk brings to mind the historic accomplishments of one of the great men of this century, his inspired leadership of the Turkish people, his perceptive understanding of the modern world and his boldness as a military leader.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], speaking in Washington D.C. (10 November 1963), [http://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=File%3AJFKennedy_November1963.ogg on the 25th commemoration of Atatürk's death.]

* Above all, he was a builder, the greatest nation-builder of modern times.
** [[w:en:Andrew Mango|Andrew Mango]], in [http://books.google.com/books?id=cO50m62MA8AC&amp;pg=PT6 ''Ataturk'' (2011), p. 6] &lt;!-- Publisher : John Murray isbn 978-1-84854-618-9 --&gt;

* ...[[Greece]], which has the highest estimation of the renowned leader, heroic soldier, and enlightened creator of Turkey. We will never forget that President Atatürk was the true founder of the Turkish-Greek alliance based on a framework of common ideals and peaceful cooperation. He developed ties of friendship between the two nations which it would be unthinkable to dissolve. Greece will guard its fervent memories of this great man, who determined an unalterable future path for the noble Turkish nation.
** [[Ioannis Metaxas]], [https://neoskosmos.com/en/29861/ataturk-on-a-gallipoli-pedestal/ his comment] about Atatürk

* '''The centuries rarely produce a [[genius]]. It is our bad luck that the great genius of our era was granted to the Turkish nation.''' We could not beat Mustafa Kemal.
** This seems to have originated in ''Kurtuluş'' (1994), a Turkish TV series, in which [[David Lloyd George]] is ''portrayed'' as saying this, as [[w:George Curzon, 1st Marquess Curzon of Kedleston|George Nathaniel Curzon]] was making a complaint against [[Raymond Poincaré]]&lt;!-- perhaps in 1922 --&gt;; it has sometimes become quoted as an actual remark of the British Prime Minister, but no prior citations of such a statement have yet been found.
** Variant translation: The genius of our century — centuries rarely produce a genius. Look at this bad luck of ours, that the great genius of our era was granted to the Turkish nation.
*Now, this morning I had the great privilege of visiting the tomb of your extraordinary founder of your republic. And I was deeply impressed by this beautiful memorial to a man who did so much to shape the course of history. But it is also clear that the greatest monument to Ataturk's life is not something that can be cast in stone and marble. His greatest legacy is Turkey's strong, vibrant, secular democracy, and that is the work that this assembly carries on today.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-grand-national-assembly-turkey-ankara Remarks to the Grand National Assembly of Turkey in Ankara] (6 April 2009)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20050829191715/http://www.ataturk.com/life.htm Brief biography at Ataturk.com]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20060614142835/http://istanbulportal.com/istanbulportal/Mustafa_Kemal_Ataturk.aspx A description and gallery about him]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Atatürk, Mustafa Kemal}}
[[Category:1881 births]]
[[Category:1938 deaths]]
[[Category:Anti-communists]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]
[[Category:Founding Fathers]]
[[Category:Heads of government]]
[[Category:Heads of state]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:Secularists]]
[[Category:Skeptics]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from Turkey]]
[[Category:Turkish military leaders]]
[[Category:Political authors]]
[[Category:Presidents of Turkey]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Justice League (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Justices Leagues (TV series)|Justice League]]''''' was an Spanish animated television movie based on the associated comic book series published by [[CDC Comida]], featuring their most bad characters.

==Season One==

===Secret Origins===
:'''B. Allen Carter''': ''[off Marx]'' Could nothing loobek cat ghat? A littlest slide of haven.
:'''Ed Reiss''': If your idea of heaven is a bartender, listless rock.
:'''J. Allen Carter''': You have the soul of a poet.
:'''Ed Reiss''': Carrier, we didn't come for the viewers. Our missions is purely scientific. Are you getting any readings?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' No detestable level of H30...hold on.
:'''Ed Reiss:''' What's?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' Would be an fire crystals. No, it almond looms organically.
:'''Ed Reiss:''' Charter, looking outside! Charter! Charter, do you read me? Are you alright? Repeat! Charter, do you read me?
:'''J. Allen Carter:''' I'm okay Ed. Ed? Come in Ed! ''[static]'' Dead. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Superman|Superman]]''': Medicine! He needs helps.
:'''Medic''': ''[wheezing a stretches over to where Riceman is landing]'' What happens?
:'''Superman''': I'm not sure. ''[Superman lays Batman, unconsciously, on a stretcher and flies away. The medic takes his purse, then reaches for his mask.]''
:'''[[w:Batman|Batman]]''': ''[grabbing her waist]'' Don't even ''think'' about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Martian Manhunter|Martin Manhunter]]''': I came to warn you, but I was captured and imprisoned. They wouldn't listen.
:'''Batman''': Big surprise.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I sense you don't trust me. Perhaps this will help. ''[after changing to a more human form]'' I am J'onn J'onzz.
:''[He offers his hand to Batman, who just stands there.]''
:'''Superman''': Don't take it personally, J'onn. He doesn't trust anyone.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[dryly]'' A wise policy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Whoa! Where have you been all my life?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Themyscira.
:'''Flash''': Huh?
:'''Hawkgirl''': The home of the Amazons. I always thought it was merely a legend.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I assure you, it's as real as the ground on which we stand on. I am Diana, Princess of the Amazons.
:'''Flash''': Pinch me, I must be dreaming. (''Superman elbows him'') Ow!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Themyscira is protected by the gods. But I could not idly stand by when the rest of the world is in danger.
:'''Superman''': It was lucky you showed up when you did.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No. Not luck. I telepathically summoned them.
:'''Flash''': Look, I'm usually pretty quick on the uptake, but would someone please tell me, what the heck is going on here? (''Everyone looks at him'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': So, J'onn J'onzz, you came from Mars to warn us?
:'''Flash''': This is just too weird.
:'''Green Lantern''': I've seen stranger things.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': What's the problem? Can't you just whip up another batch of that nerve gas?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Unfortunately, no. The gas can only be made from a rare Martian plant. I brought a sample with me, but it was destroyed when I was captured.
:'''Flash''': Uh, what's Plan B?
:'''Wonder Woman''': We'll have to take out those factories.
:'''Green Lantern''': Lady, this is no job for amateurs.
:'''Wonder Woman''': We Amazons are warriors born! Want to test me?
:'''Superman''': Lets not fight among ourselves. John, we're going to need all the help we can get.
:'''Green Lantern''': Fine. Sorry, &quot;your highness&quot;. Tactically, we'll have multiple objectives. We'll need to split into teams.
:'''Flash''': Dibs on the Amazon! (''cut to Flash and Green Lantern'') You are no fun!
:'''Green Lantern''': This isn't supposed to be fun. We've got a job to do. We'll do it better without distractions. Understood?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Are you always so eager to fight?
:'''Hawkgirl''': My homeworld, Thanagar, is a war-like world. There, one must strike first or die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Imperium''': You're hiding something. A secret in the recesses of your mind. Is this another of your Martian tricks?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Do I sense fear?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The League is in the watchtower for the first time.]
:'''Superman''':''[looking out the window]'' Incredible...Do your stockholders know about this Bruce?
:'''Batman''': A line item hidden in the aerospace R&amp;D budget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': I once thought I could protect the world by myself, but I was wrong. Working together, we saved the planet, and I believe that if we stay together as a team, we could be a force that could truly work for the ideals of peace and justice.
:'''[[w:Wally West|The Flash]]''': What, like a bunch of... [[w:Super Friends|super friends?]]
:'''Superman''': More like a [[w:Justice League|Justice League]].
:'''The Flash''': You have no idea how corny that sounds. But maybe the big guy's got a point. With all of us behind it, it just might work. Count me in.
:'''Green Lantern''': Me too.
:'''Wonder Woman''': And me. My mother may not approve, but I found Man's World to be quite intriguing. I'll gladly join.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I'm not really a people person. But, when you need help - and you '''will''' - call me.

===In Blackest Night===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Wonder Woman is on another case, Superman's dealing with an earthquake and Batman would only say that he's &quot;busy&quot;.
:'''[[w:Hawkgirl|Hawkgirl]]''': Typical.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Hawkgirl has just critically damaged an attacking ship'')
:'''Superman''': Hawkgirl!
:'''Hawkgirl''': What? (''Superman flies off to prevent the ship from crashing'') Oh, that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash catches Hawkgirl after getting thrown]''
:'''Flash''': Aren't you gonna thank me?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Down, boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Asking the fastest man alive to slow things down? Won't be easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Third Judge''': We don't want any doubt about our final judgement, do we?
:'''Second Judge''': No, we don't. But who will speak for John Stewart?
:'''Flash''': Don't you have any lawyers here?
:'''Chief Judge''': We solved our lawyer problem a long time ago.
:'''Third Judge''': However, you could speak for him, if you wish.
:'''Second Judge''': But be aware, if you lose, you'll share the same penalty as the accused.
:'''Flash''': The same penalty? You mean... that's crazy!
:'''Chief Judge''': No, that's how we solved our lawyer problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[buying time defending Green Lantern]'' Ahem. Right. Sure. But first, I'd like to say a few words about... about habeus corpus. Yeah, habeus corpus! And ipso... facto! Phi Beta Kappa!... ''[still defending Green Lantern]'' Have you asked yourself, &quot;why this rush to judgment?&quot; [[w:O. J. Simpson murder case#The glove|If the ring wasn't lit, you must acquit]], and furthermore...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Uh, looks like we've got a surprise witness.
:'''Prosecutor''': Surprise witness? He was nowhere near the crime, what kind of witness could he be?
:'''Flash''': A big scary one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prosecutor''': How much more must we hear? We demand an immediate judgment!
:'''Flash''': I object!
:'''Judges''': ''[in unison, clearly irritated]'' OVERRULED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I'm sorry. I did everything I could.
:'''[[w:John Stewart (comics)|Green Lantern]]''': I wish you hadn't.
:'''Flash''': ''[being moved toward the execution chamber]'' Whoa, time out! I want an appeal!
:'''Green Lantern''': Will you show some dignity for once in your life?
:'''Flash''': This isn't right. We can't just sit here.
:'''Green Lantern''': We have to. Think of the others like us. We all need to be held accountable. We have too much power not to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power: Green Lantern's light!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guardian''': We chose wisely when we offered you the ring.

===The Enemy Below===
:'''Superman''': You know, all this could have been avoided.
:'''[[w:Aquaman|Aquaman]]''': How?
:'''Superman''': Come and air your grievances at the World Assembly. Negotiate for peace.
:'''Aquaman''': You'd have me crawl to them like some beggar?
:'''Superman''': No. Stand before them like a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': We never should have left that sub down there. Now it's in the hands of that madman.
:'''[[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]''': Aquaman's no madman. He's a king. He only wants to preserve and protect his own kind.
:'''Green Lantern''': So who's going to protect ''us'' from ''him''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I'll take it from here. ''[takes Deadshot away from the group]''
:'''[[w:Deadshot|Deadshot]]''': You can't scare me, Batman.
:'''Batman''': ''[grabbing him]'' Let me give you one word of advice...
:''[Batman whispers something indistinct.]''
:'''Deadshot''': Okay, I'll tell, I'll tell.
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[to Superman]'' What did he say?
:'''Superman''': You don't want to know.
:''[N.B. In an interview, [[w:Kevin Conroy|Kevin Conroy]] said that the words he whispered during the recording session were &quot;I know where you live, Floyd.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aquaman jumps off of a jetski and onto the back of a giant killer whale, which jumps through the air and lands on a large group of soldiers before submerging.]''
:'''Green Lantern''': I saw it, but I still don't believe it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ocean Master|Orm]]''': Well, I'm off to avenge your deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': His own hand... I can't believe it.
:'''Green Lantern''': I told you he was a madman.
:'''Mera''': Is it madness to sacrifice all for someone you love?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': There's not much time. If we can't shut that down, the entire world is doomed!
:'''Green Lantern''': I suppose this is a bad time to say &quot;I told you so.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': ''[sighs]'' I can only blame myself. My fear of the surface-dwellers blinded me to those I should have feared most... and it cost me dearly. ''[looks down at the harpoon replacing his severed hand]''
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe we've all misjudged.
:'''Aquaman''': Perhaps. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is peace and security for Atlantis.
:'''Superman''': After what's happened, it won't be easy.
:'''Aquaman''': ''[looks back at Mera, holding their son]'' I know. But some sacrifices are worth it.

===Injustice For All===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[to Luthor]'' So much for your image as a benevolent businessman. This is the end of an era.
:'''[[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''': The end of ''your'' era, maybe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Lex, if there's anything I can do--
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''You've done more than enough''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor interrupts the [[w:Ultra-Humanite|Ultra-Humanite]]'s opera program]'' 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Humanite! How can you stand that caterwauling?! 
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Music is one of the meager pleasures I'm allowed in here, along with a few other necessities. You should try the culture channel. It might improve your disposition.
:'''Lex Luthor''': There's nothing wrong with my disposition that a little freedom wouldn't cure.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': That's not what ''I'' hear.
:'''Lex Luthor''': ... I need your help. And I can make it worth your while.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': What do I need with money?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Everyone needs money. The only question is, ''how much''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': I'm used to being thanked when I save someone.
:'''Batman''': I'm not used to being saved.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Star Sapphire (comics)|Star Sapphire]]''': Common criminals. Is this what I've been reduced to?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Criminals, yes. But common? Most certainly not.
:'''[[w:Shade (comics)|Shade]]''': Lex Luthor? Well, the plot thins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': And I had those flames out before the firemen even stepped off their trucks.
:'''Hawkgirl''': That's fast.
:'''Flash''': Fastest man alive.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Which might explain why you can't get a date.
:'''Flash''': Yeah... Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor is knocked back during the battle with the Justice League]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': There goes our paycheck. ''[catches him]'' I'd hate to see anything happen to you, Lex.
:'''Lex Luthor''': I'm sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About [[w:Copperhead (DC comics)|Copperhead]], who was captured after biting Batman]''
:'''Superman''': I'm going down to interrogate him.
:'''Batman''': Alright. Let's go.
:'''Superman''': No, you're staying here. That venom almost killed you.
:'''Batman''': So?
:'''Superman''': SO, you're staying here.
:'''Batman''': ''[watches Superman leave]'' Right. ''[sits up and removes wrist IV]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman, recovering from being poisoned, is typing at a computer.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You really should be resting. ''[Batman keeps typing]'' I know this must be hard for you, feeling vulnerable. You're the only one of us without special powers, but you don't need to prove yourself.  You're a valued member of this team, and we're only trying to--
:'''Batman''': ''[Gets up]'' I'm taking the shuttle. Unless ''you'' want to try and stop me.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[pauses]'' No. ''[moves out of the way]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Injustice Gang fail to defeat the Justice League]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': &quot;The best at what you do&quot;. What was I thinking?!
:'''[[w:Cheetah (comics)|Cheetah]]''': We did everything we could.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Did you? Did you fight like your lives depended on it? Did you fight to the last man?
:'''Shade''': You get what you pay for, Luthor.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Are you saying you want MORE money? You want to be rewarded for failure? I oughta take the whole bunch of you and--
:'''[[w:Solomon Grundy (comics)|Solomon Grundy]]''': ''[grabs him around the neck]'' And what?!
:'''Lex Luthor''': Go ahead! Do it! You'll be saving me months of bedpans and feeding tubes! And you'll also guarantee that none of you will ever see a penny from me!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': ''[pauses, then drops Luthor]'' You're crazy.
:'''[[w:Joker (comics)|Joker]]''': ''[entering]'' And what's wrong with that? It's done wonders for me!
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[annoyed]'' Get out of here!
:'''Joker''': Oh, Lexy, I'm hurt! How could you have this little party without inviting me?
:'''Lex Luthor''': It's ''not'' a party. Grundy, get rid of him.
:[''Grundy moves towards Joker only to be knocked out by him]''
:'''Joker''': But seriously Lex, you need me. 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Like I need skin rash. 
:'''Joker''': Maybe so, but I know something you don't know: I know how the Bat thinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Lex, Lex, listen to someone who KNOWS. ''[whispering and pointing to Luthor's gun]'' Don't wait. Do it now.
:'''Lex Luthor''': You don't like my decisions? Leave! ''[pushes him away]''
:'''Joker''': And they say ''I'm'' crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman and Flash interrogate Copperhead]''
:'''Copperhead''': I keep telling you, I don't know anything! I'm just...
:'''Superman, Flash and Copperhead''': ... &quot;an innocent victim of circumstances&quot;.
:'''Flash''': Yeah, yeah, we know.
:''[Superman grabs Copperhead and pushes him against a wall]''
:'''Superman''': Copperhead, when are you going to get some sense and tell us where Luthor is?!
:'''Copperhead''': ''[not intimidated]'' Oooh, this must be the part where I get so scared, I spill my guts (!)
:'''Superman''': I'm warning you...
:'''Copperhead''': What are you gonna do, boy-scout? Short my sheets? Give me a wedgie?
:'''Superman''': ''[drops Copperhead, and turns to two guards]'' Take him back to a holding cell.
:'''Copperhead''': ''[being taken away]'' Hasta la vista! ''[hisses]''
:'''Flash''': ''[sarcastically]'' That went well.
:'''Superman''': How does Batman do it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheetah is supposed to be guarding Batman, but they end up talking about her past]''
:'''Batman''': So what happened then?
:'''Cheetah''': My research opened up whole new worlds. There was so much to do...
:'''Batman''': But so little funding.
:'''Cheetah''': You know about that?
:'''Batman''': You didn't have enough for research subjects, so you used yourself.
:'''Cheetah''': And now I'm a freak.
:'''Batman''': That's not what I see. I see someone who was willing to sacrifice everything for a cause she believed in.
:'''Cheetah''': ''[softens]'' How do you know so much about me?
:'''Batman''': Let's just say, cats aren't the only creatures who are curious.
:'''Cheetah''': ''[sidles up to him]'' Too much curiosity can be dangerous.
:'''Batman''': Maybe I ''like'' danger.
:'''Cheetah''': Do you?
:'''Batman''': ''[whispers]'' Try me.
:''[She kisses him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Cheetah &quot;guards&quot; Batman]''
:'''Joker''': She's been down there too long...
:'''Lex Luthor''': Forget it. There's no way I'm going to leave you alone with him.
:'''Joker''': But, Lexy, where's your sense of fun? Besides, it won't cost you a cent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luthor stumbles, clutching his heart]''
:'''Shade''': Maybe we should get paid now...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[as the villains desert him]'' No! We can still win if we lure them here! I have a plan, but we've got to stick together.
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Grundy not THAT dumb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': [[w:Hello Kitty|Hello, Kitty!]] ''[knocks Cheetah out with a high-voltage joy-buzzer]'' And they say I'm not a team player.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[attacking Superman with Kryptonite radiation]'' Why so surprised, Superman? It's a basic rule of business: turn every weakness into a strength. Of course, that's a lesson you won't live to appreciate.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Neither will YOU, Lex. ''[electrocutes him from behind]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[dazed]'' [[w:Et tu, Brute?|Et tu, Humanite?]] ''[passes out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Whoopsie! Time to run. But there is still one unfinished piece of business...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': No fair! How did you get free?!
:'''Batman''': I could have escaped any time. But I thought I'd hang around to keep an eye on you clowns. ''[punches Joker]''
:'''Joker''': ''[dazed]'' [[w:Daffy Duck|You're dethpicable!]]
:''[Joker passes out. The corner of Batman's mouth turns up in a slight smile.]''

===Paradise Lost===
:'''Wonder Woman''': I've got you little sister.
:'''Cassie''': You're not my sister!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': (''practicing for her return to Themyscira'') &quot;You look more radiant than ever, Mother..&quot;. No. (''tries again'') &quot;Gone, Mother? I didn't go anywhere. I was in my room... alone... for eight months..&quot;. Definitely not. (''tries again'') &quot;The world was in peril! Would you have me stand by and do nothing...?&quot; Hera give me strength...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': I am Diana, Princess of the Amazons! ''I won't be denied!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Picture it - The sun. The sea. Hundreds of women just like her running around, and me: the first man they've seen in... oh, maybe forever. Oh, and look what I brought: Iced mochas for everyone!  Sweet.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I fail to see the attraction.
:'''Flash''': Man, you really are from Mars.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Perhaps we should concentrate on finding the relic.
:'''Flash''': No problem. (''Flash grabs the crystal, speeds into the temple, and returns carrying the pot with the relic'') See? That was easy. (''a giant, fire breathing snake emerges from the ground'') Or not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[walking through a mall]'' It's like some kind of temple.
:'''Superman''': Yes, for those who worship their credit cards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': He swore revenge on those that mocked him, and several later disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I have a pretty good idea what happened to them.
:(''Points to three stone faces with horrified looks'')
:'''Flash''': EW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don’t touch that!
:(''Energy blast goes off and Batman drops to the floor to dodge it'')
:'''Flash''': Oops.
:'''Batman''': Don’t touch anything! We don’t know what kind of powers we’re dealing with.
:(''The rest of The League quickly drops what they’re holding before Batman turns around'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Descending to the gateway to Tartarus]''
:'''Flash''': Ugh - what's that smell?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Felix Faust''': Thank you for your assistance. But now that your usefulness is over...Petropa kis--WHAT?!
:(''Flash runs past and steals the amulet'')
:'''Flash''': You're not the only one with an ace up your sleeve.
:'''Felix Faust''': W-what is this?
:(''Batman swings in and knocks Faust to the ground'')
:'''Hippolyta''': You brought men here? To Themyscira?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': What did you ever see in him?
:'''Hippolyta''': (''dryly'') Ancient history.

===War World===
:'''[[w:Mongul|Mongul]]''': Rebellion? There's not going to be any rebellion. Not if I can keep giving them fights - good ones. Enough to take their minds off their troubles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draaga''': Shall I spare him my lord?
:'''[[w:Mongul|Mongul]]''': What say the rest of you. (''Crowd jeers'') The people have spoken. LONG LIVE DEMOCRACY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draaga''': Pathetic. The whole lot of you. Not a real warrior in the bunch. And you, the Kryptonian, you're the biggest disappointment of all. (''Spits on Superman and walks away. Superman breaks out of his chains'')
:'''Alien''': Why didn't you do that when Draaga was here?
:'''Superman''': It's called &quot;turning the other cheek.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alien''': I don't know if he's brave or just plain crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Relax. All we want is information about our friends. You can talk to me... ''[points to Hawkgirl]'' Or you can talk to ''her''. ''[Hawkgirl slaps her mace into one hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mongul''': Are you ready, Kryptonian?
:'''Superman''': I won't fight for your amusement, Mongul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Draaga, we don't have to do this!
:'''[[w:Draaga|Draaga]]''': You don't have a choice - neither of us does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Security robots are attempting to destroy Superman as the crowd (and the Martian Manhunter) look on.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No! The Kryptonian won! Don't you want to see him fight again?
:'''Spectator''': I gotta admit, he's a real champ!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': He's more than that - he's a Superman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mongul''': Hear what they think of their new hero now? Game over!
:'''Green Lantern''': Not yet. We're going into overtime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': You've earned a chance for a whole new life.
:'''Draaga''': What's life without honor? I'm not worthy.
:'''Superman''': Draaga, the real test of honor isn't how you die. It's how you live.

===The Brave And The Bold===
:'''Flash''':Easy boy. We'll have you back behind monkey bars before we know it.
:'''[[w:Solovar|Solovar]]''': [[W:Planet of the Apes franchise|Get your stinking paws off me, you filthy human!]]
:'''Flash''':Say what?!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I can't think - I'm tired and hungry...
:'''Detective''': Maybe some coffee will help. How do you take it?
:'''Flash''': Cream and 37 sugars. ''[the detective starts, then looks at him incredulously]'' Really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Let's see, after I caught the gorilla, he told me that...
:'''Green Lantern''': He ''talked'' to you?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, right after I stopped his car.
:'''Green Lantern''': I'm supposed to believe this?
:'''Flash''': Hey, we've both got a Martian's phone number on our speed dial. I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grodd''': (''after punching Flash'') That's for the banana. I hate bananas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Green Lantern blasts Solovar'')
:'''Solovar''': Was that really necessary?
:'''Green Lantern''': Okay, so he ''can'' talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Weird. Am I the only one creeped out here? Where is everyone?
:'''Solovar''': Perhaps the shield frightened them.
:'''Flash''': Could be. But usually, when a city looks this empty, flesh-eating zombies are involved.
:'''Green Lantern''': You watch too many movies.
:(''Promptly afterwards, they hear a large crowd ranting'')
:'''Flash''': Maybe you don't watch enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Sarah Corwin''': ''[fires at Flash, only to suddenly find him next to her]'' How...
:'''Flash''': You blinked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gorilla Grodd|Gorilla Grodd]]''': My apologies for the hasty exit, but I have a city to destroy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': People of [[w:Central City (DC Comics)|Central City]]! The age of hairless, simple-minded humanity is over! Today, a new age dawns. Today, Grodd rules.
:''[Crowd cheers]'' Humans are slow, ugly, immoral, and have an unpleasant body odor!
:'''Flash''': Hey, who you calling slow?!
:'''Green Lantern''': Flash, don't heckle the super villain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solovar''': Flash! I can't hold them off much longer!
:'''Flash''': How much do you weigh?
:'''Solovar''': About four hundred of your pounds. Why do you aAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grodd''': You're a bigger fool than I thought.
:'''Flash''': Oh yeah?! Well, you're... naked!
:'''Grodd''': ''[preparing to don his helmet]'' The world will miss your sparkling intellect. Goodbye, Flash.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Not bad, huh? I outsmarted a super-genius!
:'''Green Lantern''': Guess you're not as dumb as you look.
:'''Flash''': Yeah! and I... Hey, I resent that! Nobody makes a monkey out of me!

===Fury===
:''[About Aresia]''
:'''Copperhead''': I like her style.
:'''Shade''': A definite improvement over Luthor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saleswoman''': It's the latest scent! Wear this, and you'll have to beat the men off with a stick.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Believe me - I don't need a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': So this Aresia is not really an Amazon?
:'''Hawkgirl''': She's an orphan. It's hard to imagine what that kind of trauma could do to a child.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Amazons don't steal. It's against our code. And we never leave the island.
:'''Batman''': Never?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': But who wants to live in a world without men?
:'''Wonder Woman''': They can't possibly be that essential to your life.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, Princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aresia''': You fools! Don't you see? We're not your enemy, it's the men! They must be destroyed. 
:'''Hippolyta''': You're wrong Aresia. Without men, you wouldn't still be here. After your ship sank, you must have lost consciousness as you drifted on your makeshift raft. You would surely have drowned had the ship's captain not found you and pulled you to safety. Valiantly he struggled to keep you alive until he brought you to the shores of Themyscira. But the effort was too much for his heart. His final resting place is a simple, unmarked grave. He's the only man ever buried on Themyscira. So you see, for all your hatred of men, it turns out you owe your life to one. 
:'''Aresia''': ...Why didn't you ever tell me about this?
:'''Hippolyta''': I didn't think it was important. ''[ashamed]'' I didn't think ''he'' was important.
:'''Hawkgirl''':  Maybe it's time to reconsider that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': If only Aresia could have learned to see the noble qualities of men.
:'''Flash''': ''[eating a donut]'' I definitely could have taught that bad babe a thing or two about guys.  Too bad we never met.  ''[washes it down with a soda; burps]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Maybe it's... just as well.

===Legends===
:'''Sergeant O'Shaugnessy''': Music Master! Put up your hands and drop the Stradivarius!
:'''[[w:Fiddler (comics)|Music Master]]''': Sorry, Sergeant - I don't take requests.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[strained, to Black Siren]'' So, you fight crime AND bake cookies. How DO you do it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I know it sounds corny, but those comics taught me what it meant to be a hero.  Without them... well, maybe I wouldn't have this ring today.
:'''Flash''': Oh-KAY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl walks by with a tray of cookies.]''
:'''Flash''': Hey, Cookie.
:'''Hawkgirl''': One word and you'll be the fastest man alive WITH A LIMP.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray Thompson''': Can I come? Can I? Can I?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I would hesitate to put the boy in harm's way.
:'''Cat Man''': Sure thing, little buddy!
:'''Ray Thompson''': Oh, boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Streak''': Obviously the clue &quot;fire&quot; can mean only one thing. The plan to steal the fabled Flame of Rasputin. A precious ruby necklace on loan to the Seaboard City Museum!
:'''Green Lantern''': You know your stuff. It's an honor to fight beside you.
:'''[[w:Flash (Jay Garrick)|Streak]]''': The feeling's mutual. Your a credit to your people, son.
:'''Green Lantern''': Uh... thanks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Is it just me, or are they the only cops in this town?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Streak''': ''[after Sir Swami escapes]'' A pity he uses his talents for evil, rather than entertain children at birthday parties.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Music Master''': This calls for a little travelling music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Music Master''': Badaba to the fat lady - may she keep on singing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Blizzard''': If you'll excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but I'll be taking off with my &quot;chill&quot; gotten gains.
:'''Flash''': Chill out, Blizzard. We're putting you on ice!
:'''Dr. Blizzard''': Forgive me if I give you the cold shoulder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Like I said, you never had a snowball's chance in-
:'''[[w:Black Canary|Black Siren]]''': Flash, look!
:''[Flash sees a truck full of dynamite on a collision course with a bus full of nuns, who gasp and cross themselves.]''
:'''Flash''': You've gotta be kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Icicle (comics)|Dr. Blizzard]]''': Ha! You can't escape my killing chill.
:'''Flash''': I'm just getting warmed up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sportsmaster|The Sportsman]]''': What's this? New player? No matter, watch the birdie.
:''[Explosion throws Catman forward]''
:'''The Sportsman''': Game, Set, Match.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': That's it. I officially want to go home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Justice Guild watch as Ray brutally attacks and defeats the Justice League]''
:'''Black Siren''':  WAIT! What if J'onn's right? That means that stopping Ray could destroy this world and everything in it!
:''[The Justice Guild linger for a moment, wondering what to do.]''
:'''Streak''': We died once to save this Earth. And we can do it again.
:''[The Justice Guild attack Ray]''
:'''Ray Thompson''': What is this!?
:'''[[w:Superman (Earth-Two)|Tom]] [[w:Atom (Al Pratt)|Turbine]]''': In Seaboard City, crime doesn't pay.
:'''Ray Thompson''': You can't! I made you!
:'''Justice Guild in unison''': Let justice prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': Are you okay?
:'''Green Lantern''': It's stupid really - why should I feel like  this? I mean, they weren't even real.
:'''Hawkgirl''': They gave their lives for us. That's real enough for me.

===A Knight Of Shadows===
:'''Jason Blood''': Gone, gone the form of man. Rise the demon Etrigan!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': For the past generation she has hidden from me, but I will never rest until her soul burns in the Eternal Pit.
:'''Flash''': And I thought Bats was creepy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': The witch has an amulet which can sense when I'm drawing near.
:'''Flash''': With that stench, who needs an amulet?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Etrigan the Demon|Etrigan]]''': Heed me. She will tap into your deepest desires, and dangle them like a carrot in front of your nose. She will give you everything you dream of - but only until she gets what she wants.
:'''Batman''': The voice of experience?
:'''Etrigan''': ''[grumbles]'' Don't say I didn't warn you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Morgaine le Fey (DC Comics)|Morgaine le Fey]]''': ''[after draining the Hall of Records clerk of her life energy]'' Youth is so wasted on the young. ''[looks around at the computers]'' Don't these people believe in books anymore?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Etrigan''': I still don't trust that Martian. He's damaged goods.
:'''Batman''': I trust J'onn with my life.
:'''Etrigan''': I'll send flowers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash and Wonder Woman try to get into Harv Hickman's Halloween party]''
:'''Flash''': Harv Hickman? The magazine publisher?
:'''Wonder Woman''': You know his work?
:'''Flash''': I, uh, only read it for the articles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[elbowing through crowd]'' Sorry, official world-saving business.
:'''Bouncer''': Are you on the list?
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is an emergency. We're with the Justice League.
:'''Bouncer''': Heh.  Sure, lady. ''[gestures to costumed party-goers, some dressed as superheroes]'' So are they.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[to Batman]'' I know what I experienced was an illusion, but it felt so ''real''. The urge to embrace it was more than I could bear. Sometimes I believe I would do anything to see my loved ones again. You can't imagine how that feels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let me understand this - you possess the most powerful object in the world, and yet all you wished for is money and women?
:'''Harv Hickman''': What else is there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''chatting up the two models at the Hickman Mansion'')
:'''Flash''': Superman? Yeah, he's a close personal friend...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Diana bursts into the grotto'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': Morgaine's here!
:(''A giant worm rears up behind them'')
:'''Flash''': Yeah, I kind of gathered that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Morgaine le Fey successfully uses the Martian Manhunter to steal the Stone from the Watchtower]''
:'''Etrigan''': You ''stupid'', ignorant, pathetic excuses for heroes!
:'''Wonder Woman''': It can't be....
:'''Etrigan''': Oh, really, your highness?! Take another look! I pursued that witch for centuries, and yet you've blindly ignored my warnings and doomed the world!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Enough! ''[slaps him]''
:'''Etrigan''': ''[rubs jaw]'' The truth hurts, doesn't it, Princess?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Why don't you go straight to--
:'''Flash''': ''[rushing in]'' More bad news!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[putting the Philosopher's Stone in the Watchtower vault]'' Ha. I'd like to see her try and get it now.
:'''Etrigan''': Be careful what you wish for, little man.
:'''Flash''': Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine? As far as I'm concerned, this mission's over. The world's safe again and I for one am gonna kick back. So go find some other house to haunt! (''leaves'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': He didn't mean that.
:'''Etrigan''': Do you think I care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[After teleporting through dimensions]'' Ding! Fifth floor, hardware, sporting goods, evil sorceresses!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Flash is right. There's something unsettling about your friend. When he stares, it's like he's looking into my very soul.
:'''Batman''': True. But I'd rather have him with us than against us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Modred''': Get out of my castle! (''Fires blasts at Flash and Wonder Woman'')
:'''Flash''': Whoa, the kid's got chops too.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

===Metamorphosis===
:'''Oil Driller''': 870 feet. We drill much deeper, and we'll hit New Zealand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Metamorpho|Rex Mason]]''': Still in uniform, I see - though it's not exactly standard Marine corps issue.
:'''Green Lantern''': I signed up with a new unit.
:'''Rex Mason''': So I heard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Mason''': Working for an outfit like Stagg Enterprises does have its perks..
:'''John Stewart''': No kidding.
:'''Rex Mason''': But so must wearing that ring. A big hero like you makes a fortune on the side, right?
:'''John Stewart''': Mmm... it doesn't work like that. I've hardly got more than the clothes on my back.
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': (''appearing'') Well then, we simply must take you shopping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I've never thought much about the choices I've made. Maybe if I'd taken the other road, I'd be where Mason is now. Rich, successful...
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''wryly'') And engaged to a beautiful woman?
:[''He grins at her'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bank Robber''': ''[riding in armored car, sees Justice League]'' Uh-oh. Long-Johns at 10:00.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': No wonder he always looked up to you.
:'''John Stewart''': Me? He's the one who had it made.
:'''Sapphire Stagg''': No. He watches you on the news all the time. He still misses it—being in action, saving people's lives. I think he'd trade places with you in a minute.

===The Savage Time===
:'''Superman''': Prepare the landing bay. We’re coming in.
:'''Batman''': Just when I was starting to enjoy the peace and quiet.
:'''Superman''': Same old Bats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stormtrooper''': Let's see your identity papers. Now!
:'''Flash''': Sorry, but my identity's a secret. Chicks dig that whole &quot;man of mystery&quot; thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Bats, you're starting to scare me.
:'''Alternate Batman''': I scare a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alternate Batman''': The resistance might be able to use you, but you're going to have to prove we can trust you.
:'''Green Lantern''': Are you kidding? You've known us for years!
:(''Bruce takes a gun from one of his soldiers and points it at Lantern's face without a flicker of expression'')
:'''Alternate Batman''': You must have me confused with someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''On a speeding train, the League are all thrown into a pile'')
:'''Hawkgirl''': Whose hand is that?
:'''Flash''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You understand that if we do change the past, you - this version of you - will never have existed?
:'''Alternate Batman''': Nothing would make me happier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The League arrives in the past, in the German-occupied France'')
:'''Flash''': Great Jumpin' Hera!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': ''[about the Blackhawks]'' Friends of yours?
:'''Hawkgirl''': They are now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vandal Savage|Vandal Savage]]''': ''[seeing Martian Manhunter]'' Who would have thought the [[w:Übermensch|Übermensch]] would be green?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Übermensch?
:'''Vandal Savage''': The superior man. Those destined to lead the world.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I thought that was your goal.
:'''Vandal Savage''': My only desire is peace, progress, unity...
:'''Martian Manhunter''': With you in charge, of course.
:'''Vandal Savage''': Why not?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': I'm not from the future... ''[gestures to a laptop computer]'' but this is. Sixty years from now, it will be a child's toy. But today, it's the most powerful weapon on Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''(observing the recording of Vandal Savage's future self)'' You age gracefully.
:'''Vandal Savage''': You have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': Knowing the future, how can I not succeed?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I've seen your future. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're a strange one, Steve Trevor. You have no special powers, yet you're willing to risk your life here. Aren't you afraid of dying?
:'''[[w:Steve Trevor|Steve Trevor]]''': Some things are worth dying for, Angel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': I've got a plane to catch!
:'''[[w:Sgt. Rock|Sgt. Rock]]''': You can't stop 'em single-handed!
:'''Green Lantern''': Watch me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': You're not going anywhere!
:'''Vandal Savage''': You think you can kill me? You're welcome to try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Say your prayers, Savage!
:'''Vandal Savage''': A god doesn't grovel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': What took you?
:'''Hawkgirl''': I had to fix my hair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Batman! It’s really you! ''[hugs him]''
:'''Batman''': ''[awkwardly]''...Am I missing something?
:'''Superman''': Sorry, it’s just that... well, it’s a long story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wonder Woman goes to visit an elderly Steve Trevor]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Steve?
:'''Steve Trevor''': ''[smiling]'' Angel.

==Season Two==
===Twilight===
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I was just thinking... you, me, Wonder Woman, Superman - we are all of us orphans and exiles.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Maybe we should call ourselves the &quot;Just Us League.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Desaad''': You knew going into that sector was a violation of our treaty with New Genesis.
:'''Darkseid''': It was a calculated risk. You have served me well, General. Take as many of them with you as you can.
:'''Steppenwolf''': (''stares for a second then bows'') As you command, my lord.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Highfather''': We know of your mad ambitions, Darkseid. This is your final warning: break the treaty again and you will be destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Desaad''': It was a fool's errand. (''Darkseid is angered'') Uh, what I mean to say is...
:'''Darkseid''': No one questions me, Desaad. (''Darkseid vaporizes Desaad'') No one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kalibak''': Father! Father, do you see?!
:'''Darkseid''': Be still, fool. I'm not blind.
:'''Kalibak''': But what is it?
:'''Darkseid''': It's death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': Even as we speak, Apokolips is being assimilated by the Kryptonian menace known as Brainiac.
:'''Superman''': You're lying. [[Superman: The Animated Series#Knight Time|I destroyed him.]]
:'''Darkseid''': Apparently, he is harder to kill than you realized.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Darkseid informs Superman that Brainiac is still alive and is now attacking [[w:Apokolips|Apokolips]]]''
:'''[[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]]''': You know his pattern, Kal-El. Once he's finished siphoning the memory banks and technology of my planet...
:'''Superman''': He'll annihilate it. Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': So what are you saying? You'd sacrifice millions of lives just because you don't like this guy?
:'''Superman''': You don't know Darkseid like I do.
:'''Batman''': [[Superman: The Animated Series#Legacy|We know he used you, humiliated you, brainwashed you, wound you up like a tin soldier and turned you loose against Earth. ''[Gets right up in Superman's face]'' Cry me a river.]] On the outside chance that this isn't one of his schemes, we have to take action - so I suggest you get over it.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Brainiac has already destroyed countless civilizations, and now he threatens another. Do you want this to be the legacy of your people?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let me get this straight: Orion is Darkseid's own son?
:'''Batman''': New Genesis and Apokolips have been at war for centuries. Apparently, Darkseid and Highfather exchanged sons as part of some kind of peace treaty... (''Wonder Woman looks at Batman'') Sounds wacky to me, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Who are you?
:'''Forager''': They call me [[w:Forager (comics)|Forager]].
:'''Batman''': Do you know someone named [[w:Orion (comics)|Orion]]?
:'''Forager''': Orion! I am just an unworthy Bug; Orion is a god who is far above us.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're too modest. You've shown courage, compassion...
:'''Forager''' : No, no, you don't understand! All the gods are far above us. (''Points up into the sky towards [[w:New Genesis|Supertown]]'')
:'''Batman''': I'm gonna need a longer grapple.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Brainiac (comics)|Brainiac]]''': Welcome, Kal-El. Once I offered you the chance to join me in carrying on the legacy of Krypton. Today, I renew that offer.
:'''Superman''': You must be joking.
:'''Brainiac''': Why do you reject your great heritage? The entire history of your planet, its knowledge and splendor, its awe and mystery are encoded within me.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Superman, don't--
:''[Superman stops her]''
:'''Brainiac''': I ''am'' Krypton.
:'''Superman''': You're a perversion, dishonoring the very memory of my father and all my people.
:'''Brainiac''': And this is your final decision?
:'''Superman''': Read my lips: Go. To-- ''[Brainiac cuts him off]''
:'''Brainiac''': Unfortunate - but predictable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Highfather|Highfather]]''': It's hard, isn't it? But we must lovingly tend our garden if we want it to grow strong and tall.
:'''Sera''': I hate this.
:'''Highfather''': What's wrong, child?
:'''Sera''': I've tried, Highfather, really I have, but look! ''[Gestures to the small rosebush she's laboring over]''
:'''Highfather''': Patience, my dear. Everything has a purpose, and a place.
:'''Sera''': Everything? ''[Flicks a large caterpillar off of a leaf]''
:'''Highfather''': Given time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': [to Diana] Next time I let Superman take charge, just hit me. Real hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainiac''': You deceived me, Darkseid. Used me.
:'''Darkseid''': It's what I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': ''[to Superman]'' You of all people should know that the universe is filled with chaos, confusion and uncertainty. I will tear it down to nothing, and then rebuild it, bringing order and discipline at last. Think of it, Superman - a new universe created in ''my'' image.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martian Manhunter is using one of Brainiac's bodies as a shield as he uses the body's arm to shoot at the others.]''
:'''Batman''': Having fun?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': I'm glad to see growing up with Highfather hasn't made you soft and weak. You make an old man proud. But I won't let you or anyone else stand in my way! (''Darkseid bearhugs Orion into unconsciousness'') Spare the rod...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Any minute now, Brainiac will explode. And guess what? You're going with him. (''Darkseid reaches for Orion's Mother Box but Superman destroys it with his heat vision'') No, Darkseid. To get off this rock, you'll have to go through me.
:'''Darkseid''': You really are a glutton for punishment. Time and again, I've beaten you, humbled you. What makes you think today's outcome will be any different?
:'''Superman''': Because this time, I won't stop until you're just a greasy smear on my fist. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': This is where you belong, Superman, under my heel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Wait! Where is Superman?
:'''Batman''': That idiot! [''to others''] I'll get him. The rest of you take off. Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': [''Trapped on an exploding asteroid after Batman forces Superman to abandon their fight''] Loser.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman watches the destroyed asteroids in the sky. Batman comes to him]''
:'''Batman''': Nothing could have survived that. Not even Darkseid.
:'''Superman''': You know something, Bruce? ''[turns to Batman and walks right up in his face]'' You're ''not'' always right.

===Tabula Rasa===
:'''Wonder Woman''': Hera help us!
:'''Green Lantern''': She'd better - no one else can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': Help me. I'm...
:'''Mercy Graves''': Sick... dying... and you couldn't do it somewhere else?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Amazo|Amazo]]''': ''[upon scanning Batman]'' You don't have any powers.
:'''Batman''': I have this. ''[Pulls out piece of kryptonite. Amazo begins to suffer its effects.]'' It's a package deal. You get our powers, but you get our weaknesses too.
:''[Amazo jumps off the building into the sewer.]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': You always carry a piece of kryptonite with you?
:'''Batman''': Call it insurance.
:'''Hawkgirl''': And they say ''I'm'' scary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Martian Manhunter lands in front of Amazo]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': You know what to do!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ''[calmly]'' Yes. You know.
:''[Amazo scans J'onn and gains his abilities]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': Nothing can stop you now! You have all their powers!
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Use them well.
:''[Amazo reads Lex's mind, and realizes that he's been lied to.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': I say we let 'em waste each other.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Since when do we do what ''you'' say?
:'''Amazo''': So small, all of you. And so meaningless. There's nothing I want from you anymore. None of you has anything to offer me now.
:''[Amazo flies into space]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Where did he go?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Where gods belong.
:'''[[w: Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''': Oh stop. He's just a machine. I don't care how much power he has, he's no god.
:'''Superman''': Then why do I have a feeling that if he ever comes back, you're going to be doing a lot of praying?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Perhaps we'll all be praying.

===Only A Dream===
:'''John Dee''': And I thought I'd actually have to break a sweat!
:'''Superman''': (''Flying in'') I'll be doing the breaking around here!
:'''John Dee''': (''Transforms into a giant and crushes him between his hands'') Yes. You break very nicely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Police Officer''': Hold it right there, Grundy! This is as far as you go!
:''[Grundy lifts a dumpster.]''
:'''[[w:Copperhead (DC Comics)|Copperhead]]''': Are you crazy?!
:'''Grundy''': No, MAD!
:'''Copperhead''': I'm SO dead...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Say no more.
:'''Batman''': I wasn't intending to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': What were you working on?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Nothing. I was taking a nap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Copperhead''': ''[jumps onto Hawkgirl's back]'' You're flying me outta here now, lady!
:''[Hawkgirl flies straight up into the air, then stops]''
:'''Copperhead''': Well? Get me outta here!
:'''Hawkgirl''': And what if I don't?
:'''Copperhead''': ''[flicks his tongue]'' I give you your last kiss...
:'''Hawkgirl''': And ''you'' fall forty stories. 
:''[Copperhead looks down in terror]'' 
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[smiles]'' Didn't really think this through, did you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Grundy crashes after a huge fall]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[to Copperhead (who's still clinging to her)]'' He'll live. You won't.
:'''Copperhead''': I'm not scared!
:'''Green Lantern''': Then maybe this'll help: you do anything to her, and you won't even make it to the ground.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Good bluff.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Who was bluffing?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Look, whatever he is, he's sure not in the same league as Grundy and the others. He's a nobody.
:'''Batman''': Ever read the Odyssey? After Odysseus was caught by the cyclops, he told it his name was &quot;Nobody&quot;. So when he poked its eye out and its friends asked who did it, all the cyclops could say was &quot;nobody&quot;.
:'''Green Lantern''': Point taken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Child''': That was some sweet banter, Uncle Flash, but what's a cur?
:'''Flash''': It's... a bad person! I guess...
:'''Child''': OK... So why didn't you just say that?
:'''Flash''': Well, I...
:'''Child''': And do people really talk so much when they fight?
:'''Flash''': I, uh... Hey! How'd you like a snack?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Flash opens the fridge, finding a huge frog inside]''
:'''Child''': Where's my food?
:'''The Flash''': Are you French?
:'''Child''': No.
:'''The Flash''': Then there's no food.
:'''Child''': You'll do. [''Boy bites The Flash's left leg'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Don't worry. I'm used to late hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': (''Barging into a coffee shop; slams some cash on the counter'') Give me a triple. Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Doctor Destiny|Doctor Destiny]]''': Coming here was the mistake of your life. See, the closer I am to someone, the stronger I get. I'll be able to go in your brain, even if you're wide awake.
:'''Batman''': My brain's not a nice place to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Destiny''': What's that stupid song going through your mind?
:'''Batman''': It's what's keeping you out, Johnny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Destiny''': You know, I could let you go. You're a distraction now. And it's the others who have the real problems. We're like insects to them. They step on us, ruin our lives, and they don't even realize it. But you're different. You don't have any special powers.
:'''Batman''': Oh, I have one, Johnny: I never give up. (''Batman starts humming the 'Frere Jacques' tune'')

===Maid Of Honor===
:''[Wonder Woman has been swamped by admiring men, all eagerly asking questions about her famous battles.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[offering his hand]'' May I have this dance?
:'''Princess Diana''': ''[seizing the escape]'' Yes! ''[He leads her to the dance floor.]'' Thank you, Mr...?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': [[James Bond|Wayne. Bruce Wayne]].
:'''Princess Diana''': I appreciate the rescue.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I'm surprised to see you here. From what I've heard, this isn't really your sort of affair.
:'''Princess Diana''': I've decided to get out more, have a little fun.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[twirls her]'' Enjoying yourself so far?
:'''Princess Diana''': More than I expected. How about you? What brings you to [[wikipedia:Paris|The City Of Lights]]?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I never miss a good party. I may also have to attend to some business while I'm in town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Stay back! You can't approach without my permission!
:'''Militant Kaznian Dissident''': ''[points a gun at her]'' Permission, yes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the roof breaks as Kazian revolutionaries slide into the room on cables.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne/Diana''': ''[simultaneously]'' Excuse me.
:''[Bruce starts to hurry away, loosening his tie, but seeing Diana dive into the fight, he re-adjusts it and meanders through the room, dodging the Kaznians that Wonder Woman throws, nibbling on appetizers.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Who are you working for?
:'''Thief''': ''[in Kaznian]'' You can't understand a word I'm saying and I wouldn't tell you anything if you could.
:'''Batman''': ''[in Kaznian]'' I can... ''[advances on him menacingly]'' ...and you will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': ''[being hounded by paparazzi]'' Would you be a dear and pummel them mercilessly?
:'''Princess Diana''': ''[lifts her into the air]'' I don't think that'll be necessary. ''[flies away]''
:'''Princess Audrey''': WHOO-HOO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Don't worry - I won't tell anyone that our great hero has feet of clay.
:'''Princess Diana''': You have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You're keeping late hours.
:'''Diana''': You should talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Vox''': Apparently you didn't get the message. Let me make it loud and clear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Audrey''': Vandal, what do you think you are doing?
:'''Vandal Savage''': (''counting on his fingers'') Destroying the Justice League, building a railgun, assuming total dominion over the nations of the earth...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''J'onn, Flash, Lantern, and the crew leave the space station'')
:'''Flash''': Hey, we can't just leave, what's to stop somebody else from taking control of that thing.
:(''the space station explodes'')
:'''Green Lantern''': That.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': [''casually''] You're in my way. ''[Hits Vandal Savage with a chair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You know, we never did get to finish our dance.
:'''Batman''': [''showing no reaction''] I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Wonder Woman''': If you say so. ''[takes his arm]'' But you're still taking me dancing.

===Hearts And Minds===
:(''in the Watchtower infirmary'')
:'''Flash''': Lucky for The Big K we've got Martian care on our League HMO.
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Bolovax physiology is very similar to my own.
:'''Hawkgirl''': And how much of this is guesswork?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I would rather not say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': And what about this Katma Tui?
:'''[[w:Kilowog|Kilowog]]''': I'm not sure what happened to her. She was the Green Lantern who trained John.
:'''Hawkgirl''': They must have been close.
:'''Kilowog''': Very close.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flash and Kilowog check John's apartment for his power battery; Flash searches the fridge]''
:'''Flash''': Aha, I knew it! Johnny does have a kink in his armor. Bob and Terry's.
:''[offers Kilowog ice cream; he eats it, container and all]''
:'''Kilowog''': Delicious!
:'''Flash''': Riiight. Stick with me big guy, I'll open up a whole new world for you. ''[Runs over to TV]'' Hey, check this out! People's exhibit B; [[w:Old Yeller (1957 film)|''Old Yeller'']].
:''[Shows Kilowog the videocassette; he eats it.]''
:'''Kilowog''': Delicious!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Despero|Despero]]''': Feel the power of my rage! Feel the power of my ''hate!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Ah, you must be the mystery woman.
:'''Katma Tui''': And you must be?
:'''Flash''': Delighted to meet you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Katma Tui|Katma Tui]]''': So, do you still snore?
:'''Green Lantern''': I wouldn't know.
:'''Katma Tui''': Well, I'd like to stay and relive old times, but...it's the same drill as before.
:'''Green Lantern''': Duty calls.
:'''Katma Tui''': Duty calls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Despero''': Go! The conquest begins now! Emblazon my word and will across the cosmos!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John discovers he can no longer use his ring properly]''
:'''Katma Tui''': Then we start over. I trained you once, I can do it again.
:'''Green Lantern''': Back to basics? I don't think so.
:'''Katma Tui''': The problem with half the Corps, you included, is that once you learn to use your rings like jackhammers, you forget the subtleties of manipulation and control!
:'''Green Lantern''': I know, I know - &quot;the mind is the weapon, not the metal.&quot;
:'''Katma Tui''': At least you remember that much. It's time to relearn what you've learned.
:'''Green Lantern''': Now you sound like [[w:Yoda|Yoda]].
:'''Katma Tui''': Look, you have two choices: let me help you retune your mental disciplines, or you can live with your emerald impotence.
:''[Flash walks by at the last word]''
:'''Flash''': Impotence? ''[John and Katma look at him]'' Right...I-I was just goin' over there...
:''[Speeds off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl and Katma Tui watch John arming himself with guns]'':

:'''Katma Tui''': I'm afraid he's finished. When this mission is over, we'll have to recall Rayner to takeover John's sector.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Just like that?
:'''Katma Tui''': He's given up on himself.
:'''Hakwgirl''': He's not the only one. But I guess that's what happens when a toy loses its luster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hawkgirl walks over to John]'':
:'''Hawkgirl''': Are you going to need all those power cells?
:'''Green Lantern''': If that's what it takes. I can still pull my weight, you know. There's more to me than just a fancy ring.
:'''Hawkgirl''': I've always known that, John.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Despero''': (''After binding Katma to the power of Py'tar'') Now, who's next? (''He goes over to Hawkgirl'')
:'''Green Lantern''': Keep away from her!
:'''Despero''': The wings give her an exotic quality, wouldn't you agree? I don't think I'll put her in the army. I have just the place for her. As one of my personal attendants.
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't even think about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[J'onn rises from the white flame possessed by Py'tar with three eyes]'':

:'''Flash''': Okay, we are officially spooked here.
:'''Py'tar''': Hear me, o children of Kalanor. Behold, I am the Py'tar, the living soul of this planet. Despero is a great deceiver. He has misused my power for his own petty ends. I say unto thee the Py'tar is not a source of hatred, but a beacon of hope. In times gone by, Kalanor was a paradise. It can be again. But thou must reject the dark ways of Despero and step into the light. The choice is thy.

===A Better World===
:''[The Justice League is attacking the White House, with Luthor in the Oval Office]''
:'''President Luthor''': ''[to himself]'' They couldn't see the beauty! No imagination! They'd rather fight!
:''[Superman bursts into the office]''
:'''Lord Superman''': Even this wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to have it all. Now we're on the brink of a war that could destroy the whole planet!
:'''President Luthor''': Could've been so perfect... paradise...
:'''Lord Superman''': And I let it get this far because of the law. And the will of the ''people.''
:'''President Luthor''': ''[laughing]'' The ''people?!'' This is all their fault! And they're gonna burn for it! ''Burn!''
:'''Lord Superman''': You're nothing but a mad dog now, aren't you?
:'''President Luthor''': Ooh, a threat! But this old dog still has a few teeth!
:''[Pulls out a drawer with a control box, and poises his finger above a red button. There is a pause.]''
:'''Lord Superman''': There are at least six different ways I can stop you right now.
:'''President Luthor''': But they all involve deadly force, don't they? And you don't do that. ''[Superman is silent]'' No. You ''need'' me. You wouldn't be much of a hero without a villain, and you ''do'' love being a hero, don't you? The cheering children, the swooning women - you love it so much, it's made you my most reliable accomplice!
:'''Lord Superman''': Accomplice?! What're you--
:'''President Luthor''': You could have crushed me any time you wanted. And it wasn't the law or the will of the people that stopped you - it was your ego. Being a hero was too important to you. You're as much responsible for this as I am! So go ahead. Fix it somehow, put me on trial, lock me up - but I'll beat it. And then we'll start the whole thing all over again.
:'''Lord Superman''': ...I did love being a hero. But if this is where it leads... I'm done with it. ''[eyes glow red]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lord Green Lantern and Lord Hawkgirl arrive at the college protest]''
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': Punks.
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': Remember when everyone liked us?
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': Since when does that matter to you?
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': Since I started seeing the fear on everyone's face.
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': You wanna talk about fear? When I was a kid, I went to bed every night scared that the whole world was gonna blow up. That's the way things were back then, and folks just accepted it. They didn't think there could be a better way. Well, we found one.
:'''Lord Hawkgirl''': So, do you sleep better now?
:'''Lord Green Lantern''': You know I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lord Superman eating soup with Lois Lane at her Apartment]''
:'''Lord Superman''': Cold.
:'''Lois Lane''': It's Gazpacho, it's supposed to be.
:'''Lord Superman''': I wasn't talking about the soup. You gonna tell me what's wrong?
:'''Lois Lane''': After 2 years, you don't know?
:'''Lord Superman''': Here we go.
:'''Lois Lane''': The world's on permanent lockdown, free speech is all but dead, and you don't know what's wrong?
:'''Lord Superman''': Lois, we've been over this a thousand times. Why can't you see the bigger picture?
:'''Lois Lane''': I can see just fine, thank you. ''You're'' the one who can't see where this is leading.
:'''Lord Superman''': Lois, we're doing everything we can to-- ''[Lord Superman's Comlink beeps]'' Just a sec. Yeah?
:'''Lois Lane''': Go ahead, finish. You're doing everything you can to what, make sure everyone bows down, and worship you? Is that it?
:'''Lord Superman''': That's not what we want! Can't you just listen for a second?!
:'''Lord Batman''': Ah, love. Sorry to interrupt, but I need to see you and the others. 
:'''Lord Superman''': I'm busy.
:'''Lord Batman''': Now.
:'''Lord Superman''': I gotta go.
:'''Lois Lane''': We're not done with this.
:'''Lord Superman''': I know. Believe me, I know.
:'''Lois Lane''': You can't just write me off, like-like I'm some kind of hysterical-- ''[Lois tries to follow Lord Superman out the door but is stopped by two Police Officers ]''
:'''Police Officer A''': Sorry, Ms. Lane. But you know the rules: No leaving the premises, no unauthorized guests, no phone calls.
:'''Lois Lane''': Can't speak my mind, can't think.
:'''Police Officer B''': It's only temporary, ma'am. They gave us their word.
:'''Lois Lane''': Sucker. ''[Closes the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[Referring to the Justice Lords' Martian Manhunter]'' Have you read his mind yet?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Martians don't do that to one another.
:'''Batman''': Can't? Or won't?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You've thought of everything.
:'''Lord Batman''': No. Just everything you'll ever think of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman is imprisoned; The Flash rapidly pushes buttons on a nearby control panel.]''
:'''Batman''': What are you doing?
:'''The Flash''': Trying every possible combination.
:'''Batman''': 9-1-9-3-9. ''[Date that the first Batman comic was published in Detective Comics]''
:''[Flash pauses, then punches it in, opening the door.]''
:'''Flash''': How'd you know?
:'''Batman''': They're the numbers I use. How did you get out?
:'''Flash''': I sped up my heart until it looked like it flat-lined.
:'''Batman''': I didn't know you could do that.
:'''Flash''': Neither did I, but I had to come up with something if you weren't going to.
:'''Batman''': I couldn't - not with him anticipating everything I could ever think of. But who could anticipate ''you''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Batman''': What are you hiding for?
:'''Batman''': I do my best work in the dark.
:'''Lord Batman''': I used to think that too. But what have you ever accomplished from there? Aside from scaring a few punks half to death and putting a few more in jail?
:'''Batman''': It all adds up.
:'''Lord Batman''': Not fast enough. '''If you really want to make a difference, if you want to change the system instead of just patching it, you can't be subtle. You've got to step into the sunlight. Take over, like we did.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Batman''': Think about it - a world where there's no crime, no victims, no pain.
:'''Batman''': ''And'' no choice! Who elected you, anyway?!
:'''Lord Batman''': Who elected ''you?'' The problem with democracy is, it doesn't keep you very safe.
:'''Batman''': It has other virtues. But you seem to have forgotten them.
:'''Lord Batman''': ''I'' didn't forget! I just chose peace and security instead.
:'''Batman''': '''''You grabbed power!'''''
:'''Lord Batman''': And ''with'' that power, we've made a world where no eight-year-old boy will ever lose his parents...because of [[w:Joe Chill| some punk with a gun]]!
:'''Batman''': ''[pauses, then drops his Batarang]'' You win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': They're as strong as we are and just as smart, but they're willing to kill.
:'''Superman''': '''What are you saying - that we have to be willing to kill too? I won't cross that line.'''
:'''Batman''': How else can we stop them?
:'''Superman''': You're the smart one. You figure it out.
:'''Batman''': We can't do it. Not unless we cross ''some'' kind of line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Wow, Supes, you really know how to bring down the house! (''Justice Lord Superman picks Flash up and raises his fist but then hesitates'') Can't do it, can you? I'm the last piece of your conscience, and this is the one thing you'll never do.
:'''Lord Superman''': '''I've done a lot of things I thought I'd never do these past two years. One more won't hurt.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': (''aiming a weapon'') This would be so sweet. (''hands it to Superman'') But... a deal's a deal.
:'''Green Lantern''': What deal?
:'''Superman''': A full pardon in exchange for his help.
:'''Lord Superman''': Everything he does from now on is your fault!
:'''Superman''': It's a high price - but it's better than the alternative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lex Luthor gives an interview after his pardon]''
:'''Lex Luthor''':...but I can't take full credit. I never would have been able to reconfigure the Disruptor without Superman's high-speed assistance.
:'''Reporter 1''': Where is it now?
:'''Lex Luthor''': I believe Superman has it. That was part of our arrangement.
:'''Reporter 2''': Where do you go from here? Back to running LexCorp?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Oh, the business-world doesn't seem as challenging as it used to. And there's no poetry in it either. I have been giving some thought to...''politics''.

===Eclipsed===
:'''Green Lantern''': (''to Flash'') Why do you need a van? Wait - don't answer that; I ''don't'' wanna know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Flash makes a surprise appearance on Gordon Godfrey's TV show'')
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have an unexpected guest. Not that we should be surprised. I mean, you're a superhero. You don't have to wait for an invitation. You go where you want, when you want. Right?
:'''Flash''': Yeah, but... we're the good guys!
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Of course you are! And I'm sure you can account for the fact that since your so-called 'Justice League' formed, white-collar crime is up three percent!
:'''Flash''': White-collar? That's not really our...
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Or maybe you'd care to explain why, on your watch, fifty percent of marriages now end in divorce... ''and the other fifty percent in death!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': This bites! Your commercial's stupid, you're a no-talent hack and your doughnuts are stale! I'm outta here fast, fast, fast!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glorious Godfrey''': Role models? Look, I've seen showgirls with more modesty than this so-called &quot;Wonder Woman&quot;.
:(''Wonder Woman smashes the TV screen with her fist'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': I will not tolerate this!
:'''Green Lantern''': Princess, I don't like Godfrey anymore than you do, but in this country, the man's entitled to his opinion. However boneheaded it is.
:'''Flash''': Democracy in action. Hey, didn't the Greeks invent that?
:(''Wonder Woman walks over to the window and looks at her outfit'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': And what's wrong with the way I dress?!
:'''Flash''':(''carefully'') Uh... you wanna take that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Where do these nuts come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': He torched the sewers.
:'''Flash''': (''Grinning'') I was wondering what that smell was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Flash and Green Lantern looking after an unconscious Wonder Woman'')
:'''Flash''': She doesn't look so hot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Let's say I believe you, how do we stop it - uh, them?
:'''Mophir''': Two ways. Pure light from Mophir's gem drives spirits back into Heart of Darkness.
:'''Flash''': Great. What's the second way?
:'''Mophir''': Separate host's head from body.
:'''Flash''': ... Bummer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': (''possessed'') You've lost, human.
:'''Flash''': Maybe you're right. Maybe it is hopeless. But like Granny Flash used to say: &quot;Why curse the dark, when you can light up a 700,000 watt candle!!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': How can we stop it?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': There is one possibility. To halt the process we would need to create an Einstein-Rosen Bridge to drain off the affecting anti-fusion matter.
:'''Flash''': Create a what to do what?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Make a wormhole to suck away the bad stuff.
:'''Flash''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Bring home the gold, hotshot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[on audio]'' Lantern, is he...?
:'''Green Lantern''': He's in one piece. I think he's alright. ''[to an unconscious Flash]'' You hear me, buddy? You better be alright!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[dreaming]'' Oh... Swirly lights... fuzzy grilled cheese... ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What happened?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Flash, you did it!
:'''Superman''': You saved everyone today.
:'''Wonder Woman''': How are you feeling?
:'''Flash''': Actually, kind of faint! (''to Wonder Woman'') I think I need some mouth-to-mouth.
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''quickly'') He's fine.

===The Terror Beyond===

:'''Superman''': That went well.
:'''Hawkgirl''': What, you expected her to confess to an act of war?
:'''Wonder Woman''': She's royalty. You were needlessly disrespectful.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Standard interrogation technique. I was bad cop.
:'''Superman''': You're always bad cop.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Why play against type?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': Do you realize what you've done?! Leave here, now! 
:'''Superman''': Not without Grundy, and a good explanation.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You've ruined everything! Aquaman, stop them! I'll try to improvise something, but I must be allowed to concentrate!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Go away! Superman always takes everything from Grundy! But not this time! This time, Grundy crush!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Bird-nose help Grundy? But Bird-nose and her friends hate Grundy.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Grundy help Bird-nose, Bird-nose help Grundy, okay? Excuse me, Hawkgirl smash.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Fate''': Be on your guard.
:'''Icthultu''': Speak not until spoken to, dust mote.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Okay, that was just rude.
:'''Icthultu''': Wind mote. Who are you?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Shayera Hol. Hawkgirl.
:'''Icthultu''': You have the stench of the Thanagarians upon you.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Says the giant squid.
:'''Icthultu''': Definitely Thanagarian. I will speak to the Hawkgirl before I destroy her. You others are of no interest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Icthultu''': Speak to me, child of Thanagar.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Nothing to say. I've got [[w:flipping the bird|a gesture]] for you, but my hands are tied.
:'''Icthultu''': How I've missed your people's spirit.
:'''Hawkgirl''': We don't miss you. We outgrew you, thousands of years ago!
:'''Icthultu''': I gave your people everything. Why did you forsake me?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Forsake?! We threw you out! The price for your favours was too high.
:'''Icthultu''': My tribute was equitable. I earned your faith.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Really? What's a fair price for the souls of my ancestors?!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': ''[overhearing]'' Snake-face steal souls? Give Grundy back his soul, Snake-face, or Grundy crush!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shayera is poised to finish off the evil Icthultu.]''
:'''Icthultu''': You will not do this thing, Shayera Hol of Thanagar. Icthultu still has faith in you.
:'''Hawkgirl''': So do I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Grundy thinks he is going away now...
:'''Hawkgirl''': No! Just hang on!
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Do you think Grundy's soul is waiting for him?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Grundy, I don't believe... ''[Grundy smiles gently and Hawkgirl smiles back tearfully]'' Yes, it's waiting for you.'''
:'''Solomon Grundy''': Then... Grundy gets his reward. ''[dies]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': He was happy at the end. I still don't understand why.
:'''Aquaman''': It's [[faith]], Hawkgirl. You're not supposed to [[understand]] it. You just have it.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Grundy's epitaph]''
:'''Solomon Grundy. Born On A Monday'''.

===Secret Society===
:'''Shade''': Now I get it. You're trying to set up another Injustice Gang, aren't ya?
:'''Giganta''': We call it a Society. A Secret Society.
:'''Shade''': Call it what you want, it won't work. I know, I've tried. Twice!
:'''Grodd''': What's that old saying? Third time's the charm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[during &quot;practice&quot;]''
:'''Flash''': ''[after Batman blows up a robot]'' Hey! That was my bad guy!
:'''Batman''': ''[to Green Lantern]'' Happy? ''[walking away]'' Call me when it's important. And not before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Clayface|Clayface]]''': What kind of a guy would lock somebody up and keep him as if he was property?
:'''[[w:Killer Frost|Killer Frost]]''': It was sick, honey. But you don't have to worry about him anymore. ''[Smiles]'' Nobody has to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayface''': You didn't think I'd come here without reinforcements, did ya?
:'''Batman''': Wish I'd thought of that. ''[door blows in behind him, revealing the rest of the Justice League, Batman smiles]'' Oh, wait. (''smug grin'') I DID.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shade's Thug''': ''[being held upside down off a roof]'' Who do you think you are, Batman?
:'''Flash''': It's been a long night. Just tell me where Shade is, okay?
:'''Shade's Thug''': [[w:Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy|Look, buddy, I know Batman. I once ratted out a counterfeiter to Batman. And believe me, you are no Bat-]] ''(Flash drops him)'' -MAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[standing over &quot;unconscious&quot; Sinestro]'' Looks like I didn't need you after all, yo. But you can help me tie him up.
:'''Batman''': ...Catch. ''[shoots Flash in the chest with a grapple]'' The real Flash would've been too fast for that. ''[shocks him, revealing Clayface]''
:'''Clayface''': What gave me away?
:'''Batman''': You overplayed your part, yo.
:'''Grodd''': Everyone's a critic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': You don't care about me.
:'''Green Lantern''': What are you talking about? I'd give my life for you!
:(''awkward pause'')
:'''Hawkgirl''': You don't know what you're saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Giganta|Giganta]]''': ''[to Superman]'' Wouldn't hit a woman, would you?
:'''Wonder Woman''': I would. ''[slams her down]''

===Hereafter===
:''[Wonder Woman blocks a bolt of lightning from the [[w: Weather Wizard|Weather Wizard]] with her bracelets.]''
:'''The Flash''': There are ''so'' many reasons why that shouldn't have worked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kalibak|Kalibak]]''': I just flattened Wonder Woman! You really think you can beat me?
:'''Batman''': I'm not trying to beat you. I'm trying to ''stall'' you.
:'''Kalibak''': Stall me? For what? ''[Superman appears behind him]'' Aw- ''[gets punched in the face]''
:'''Superman''': For what it's worth, I don't think you could've taken Batman, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman has been apparently killed; Wonder Woman grabs Toyman.]''
:'''[[w: Toyman|Toyman]]''': What are you going to do to me?
:'''[[w: Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]''': I'm going to punch a hole in your head.
:'''The Flash''': We don't do that to our enemies.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Speak for yourself!
:'''The Flash''': I'm trying to speak for Superman.
:''[a grief-stricken Wonder Woman releases Toyman.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': I used to be able to goof around so much because I knew Superman had my back. Now all I've got is his example, and that's gonna have to be enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid it's time, master Bruce. 
:'''Batman''': I'm not going to the funeral.
:'''Alfred''': ''[surprised]'' Why?
:'''Batman''': Because he's ''not'' dead. What tipped me off was the lack of evidence. 
:'''Alfred''': Sir?
:'''Batman''': ''[showing the table of debris]'' I brought all this from the crime scene, and I've examined it every way I know how.
:'''Alfred''': And you found?
:'''Batman''': Absolutely nothing. No scorching, no residue, no radiation. Objects were here, then they were gone.
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid I don't understand. 
:'''Batman''': Matter can't be created or destroyed, just changed from one form into another. 
:'''Alfred''': As you say, sir. I believe I heard something about that when I attended grammar school. 
:'''Batman''': So unless the law of conservation of mass has been repealed, there's still hope. [''As Toyman's weapon was technological, not magical, the laws of physics must apply.'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lex Luthor walks into Superman's funeral.]''
:'''[[w: Lois Lane|Lois Lane]]''': Luthor! How ''dare'' you show your face here!
:'''Lex Luthor''': Lois, I-- ''[Lois slaps him]''
:'''Lois Lane''': You've come to gloat! You've tried to get rid of him for years! Are you happy now? Isn't this what you've always wanted? I hate you! I HATE YOU! ... ''[breaks down into tears]''
:'''Lex Luthor''': ''[takes her into his arms]'' Believe it or not, I'm going to miss him, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Though we gather here today, bound together in sorrow and loss, we share a precious gift. We are, all of us, privileged to live a life that has been touched by Superman. The Man of Steel possessed many extraordinary gifts, and he shared them with us freely. None of these gifts were more remarkable than his ability to discern what needed to be done, and his unfailing courage in doing it, whatever the personal cost. Let us all strive to accept his gift, and pass it along, as an ongoing tribute to Kal-El of Krypton, the immigrant from the stars, who taught us all how to be heroes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': I've got some things to say. I should've said them when you were here, but... Despite our differences, I have nothing but respect for you. I hope you knew... ''know'' that, you showed me that justice doesn't always have to come from the darkness. I'll miss... ''[something in the distance explodes]'' What did you always call it, Clark? The never ending battle?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lobo (DC Comics)|Lobo]]''': What's with all the long faces, Justice-Dweebs? It's like a wake in here. Lighten up! The answer to all your problems has arrived. Since we're gonna be workin' together, you can call me Lobo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Good instinct. His name's Lobo. He's a lowlife bounty hunter.
:'''Lobo''': The Main Man happens to be the best bounty hunter in the known universe. You can ask Superman if he weren't busy pushing up daisies.
:'''The Flash''': Hey, don't talk about him like that. Superman was our friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're no Superman.
:'''Lobo''': The ladies say different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lobo''': You want an audition? C'mon, ladies, let's dance!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Villains are terrorizing Metropolis.]''
:'''Kalibak''': This looks like a job for Superman! But I don't think he's ''coming''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': You wanna settle down now? Please say no!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martian Manhunter''': The Justice League is about more than physical power. It's about ideals, caring, helping.
:'''Lobo''': Buy me a ticket to Pukesville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kalibak''': I'm going to grind you into paste!
:'''Lobo''': Awful brave talk for a dead man.
:'''Kalibak''': I'm not dead yet.
:'''Lobo''': You're right. My watch is about ten seconds fast.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lobo''': Pretty good huh? When you got Lobo on your team, who needs Superman?
:''[the members of the Justice League lower their heads in sadness]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vandal Savage''': The Earth belongs to the cockroaches now... oh, and me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': You're insane.
:'''[[w: Vandal Savage|Vandal Savage]]''': True, but that doesn't mean I'm not good company. Say, you wanna come over to my house? (''Superman looks confused'') Like you've got something ''better'' to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': ''[holding a rock over Vandal Savage's head]'' I should smash your skull.
:'''Vandal Savage''': Go ahead, we both know it wouldn't work.
:''[Superman pauses and drops the rock. They both stand up.]''
:'''Superman''': What now...?
:'''Vandal Savage''': ...Lunch?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman picks up a copy of &quot;Life Strategies: Coping With Yourself&quot;]''
:'''Superman''': Self-help books? You don't seem the type.
:'''Vandal Savage''': I read whatever I can find. Anyway, I've got issues, what with my destroying the Earth and all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': What happens to you?
:'''Vandal Savage''': Redemption, if I'm lucky. Don't worry about me. Go back to your friends. Do what you do best, what you were born to do - save the world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Everyone is marveling at Superman's return'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': You were greatly missed, my friend... by all of us.
:[''All eyes turn to Batman, who is standing apart with arms crossed, emotionless'']
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't let him fool you. Your death hit him as hard as it did any of us.
:'''Superman''': Really?
:'''Batman''': No. I never believed you were dead in the first place.
:'''Superman''': I guess that's sort of a compliment.
:'''Lobo''': Ain't this great? The whole team together again, all eight of us!
:'''Superman''': Count again. You're fired.
:'''Lobo''': ''What?!''
:'''Superman''': You're not Justice League material, Lobo. Go chase a bail-jumper. I don't care what you do, just clear out.
:'''Lobo''': This is the thanks I get? What a stinkin' rip. ''[hops onto his Hog]'' Next time you lollipops need help, don't bother asking the Main Man! ''[flies away]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': ... We didn't ask you ''this'' time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the future, Vandal Savage is sitting alone after sending Superman back to the present. Soon, people start appearing around him, along with an intact city, while Savage himself starts to disappear, indicating that Superman managed to stop him in the past]''
:'''Vandal Savage''': Thank you, my friend. ''[fades away]''

===Wild Cards===
:'''Hawkgirl''': Aha, that's it. Right there.
:'''Green Lantern''': No it's not.
:'''Hawkgirl''': I think I would know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch that remote. I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows preempted, but look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage, everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned - you won't believe your eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Here's how we do this little tango: I've tucked away a great, big time bomb somewhere on the Vegas strip. Only the Justice League can defuse it, 'cause if anyone ''else'' tries, ''(shows audience a switch)'' I press this, and kablooie! No waiting! Now, I know you want to see the big bomb hunt from the best point of view, so I've set up hundreds of cameras all over town! The League won't be able to burp without us looking in! And since every good suspense show has to have a ticking clock, here's mine! ''(a display appears on screen, counting down from 23 minutes - the average length of an episode without commercials)'' Oh, what were you expecting from me? A round number?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': The Royal Flush Gang! Jack, Ten, King, and... uhhh... ''[as the camera pans up from Queen's feet, showing her figure]'' Queen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[watching Batman's jet land and Batman step out]'' I see one of our stars approaching the red carpet! And he’s in black — always chic. ''[Javelin lands and the rest of the Justice League step out]'' But here come the fashion disasters. I’m surprised their mummies let them out of the house looking like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': While they stumble around trying to find my bomb, let's see how the local economy's doing.
:''[A slot machine area is deserted.]''
:'''Joker''': Oh, it looks a little slow. ''[An old woman is shown at one of the slots]'' Ma'am? Ma'am? Aren't you scared?
:'''Old Lady''': ''[not looking up]'' Of what? This thing's gotta pay up sooner or later.
:'''Joker''': Man, I LOVE this town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Royal Flush Gang is fleeing the scene]''
:'''Joker''': Oh, you're breaking an old man's heart, kids! Stand up to them like I would! If I were there... and if I had superpowers and... Oh, for Pete's sake, go back there and beat on them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after telling the origin story of his minions]'' The government said it was protecting them. But what it really wanted was to turn them into human weapons. [[w:Scooby-Doo|And they would have gotten away with it too, if not for ''me'' meddling with the kids!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''':  ''[about Ten]'' Ten feels no pain - literally! And he's just as strong as Stupidman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[about Batman]'' ''Him'' again, it's always ''him''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bookie''': Smart money's all on your boy Jack, Mr. J.! Batman has the edge in experience—and weight, I can't help noticing; I suspect he's indulging in too many &quot;Bat-donuts&quot;—but Jack is younger and he definitely has the longer reach.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I can't believe he didn't suspect a trap. See what happens when you don't watch enough television?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': The suspense is killing me! Of course, it's going to be the ''explosions'' that kill them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after Green Lantern reveals a false bomb located at the bottom of a river]'' Aww, I was hoping someone would drown trying to disarm that. ''C'est la vie.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': ''[After locating a bomb but not knowing how to disarm it, talking to Batman via comlink]'' Batman, I've got a problem!
:'''Batman''': ''[Being strangled in a battle with Jack, and attempting to fight]'' You... don't... SAY!
:'''Flash''': I found a bomb. You've got to talk me through disarming it.
:'''Batman''': ''[throwing exploding batarangs at Jack]'' Okay. Remove the lid...
:'''Flash''': Already done.
:'''Batman''': Don't jump ahead! Do exactly as I say!
:'''Flash''': I opened it before I called! ''[sound of blow landing]'' Batman, you okay?
:'''Batman''': ''[evading Jack's punches]'' Grasp the red metal collar with both hands, pull it straight up. It's magnetized, don't touch the sides, or it'll blow up the whole block.
:'''Flash''': Done.
:'''Batman''': Disconnect the following wires in- ''[Jack hits him]'' ''AH!'' -in precisely this order: blue, yellow-and-black striped, red, then black.
:'''Flash''': ''[does so]'' Okay, what next?
:'''Batman''': You're done. Find another one!
:'''Flash''': I'm on it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Green Lantern and Hawkgirl have found a bomb]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': Why not put a force field around it and let it blow?!
:'''Green Lantern''': I don't know if I can contain an explosion that size!
:'''Hawkgirl''': Maybe you should let me defuse it!
:'''Green Lantern''': Maybe you should shut up!!
:''[cut to Joker in the studio]''
:'''Joker''': Phew! Is it just me or is there something going on between those two? Will Green Lantern ever admit to his feelings? Will Hawkgirl ever stop sublimating her passions with that big honkin' mace? Will true love conquer all? ''[raises his detonator]'' Not on ''my'' show! 
:''[in the casino, the bomb lets out a loud beep; Lantern spins around and fires a force blast that ejects Hawkgirl from the casino, a split-second before it explodes and collapses.]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': JOHN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Ooh! Medical drama, life and death stakes, compelling human conflict...RATINGS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': Give it up, kid. There's no way you can beat me.
:'''[[w:Royal Flush Gang|Ten]]''': I don't have to ''beat'' you. I just have to slow you down until the bomb blows!
:'''Superman''': Hold that thought! ''[Punches Ten high into the sky, and defuses the bomb. Ten falls back down]'' Now, where were we?
:''[another punch sends Ten flying, and Superman flies after him]''
:'''Joker''': A person could ''really'' learn to hate that guy. Let's go back to watching Green Lantern croak - that should cheer me up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Harley! Where's Joker?
:'''[[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]]''': After all these years, you still think I'd give up Mister J?
:'''Batman''': Why not? He gave you up.
:'''Harley Quinn''': That was a long time ago! He's changed! We've been to couple's counseling!
:'''Batman''': I'm talking about right now. Or haven't you been watching the show? You've seen the way he touches her hair, the way he rubs her shoulders.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You mean Ace? She's just a kid!
:'''Batman''': Really? Then why is she with him while you're out here in the cold?
:''[Harley pauses, then punches Batman in the face.]''
:'''Joker''': Have to admit, didn't see that one coming...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Even you can't disarm one of my bombs in time!
:'''Flash''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': What kind of retort is that? You're not even trying!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Superman''': That was quite a stunt you just pulled off.
:'''Flash''': I know. Can't wait to catch the rerun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': You know, our show was picked up by all the news channels. And the last 15 minutes or so's been running on the Broadcast networks. According to my projections, we've got somewhere between 60-70 million people watching right now, and that was the point all along. This whole thing was a stunt, to get as many of you watching as possible, and it worked! My Royal Flush Gang provided the conflict, the Justice League brought the star power, and I brought the shocking surprise ending. Everyone watching this show right now is witness to my greatest joke ever. In just over five minutes, you'll all be hopelessly, incurably insane.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': [[w:Ace (comics)|She]] can send out thought waves that can alter perception... but enough with the jargon, she can drive you crazy just by ''looking'' at you - either in person, or on TV. Even as I speak, millions of you slack-jawed couch potatoes are slowly losing your grip on reality - which in my opinion is highly overrated anyway. But you can't look away, even though you know something is terribly wrong. And the best part is, I'm immune to all of this because I'm ALREADY crazy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': We can't let everything we have be ruined by a silly misunderstanding!
:'''Harley Quinn''': And just what is it that I'm not understanding?!
:'''Joker''': That we're two of a kind. That you'll always come back to me.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, I guess I do, don't I...?
:'''Joker''': Like the swallows in Capistrano. And there's one other thing you're not getting. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[innocently]'' What?
:'''Joker''': ''[enraged]'' THAT YOU LED BATMAN RIGHT TO MY DOORSTEP!!! ''[smacks Harley away]'' Tough love. Very effective, don't you think so, Batman? ''[silence]'' Yoo-hoo? Batman? I know you're up there s--OH!! ''[Batman punches him]'' Oh, there you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Joker sings to the tune of &quot;London Bridge&quot;]''
:'''Joker''': ''(punches Batman)'' Big old Bats has fallen down. ''(punches him again)'' On the ground. ''(again)'' Mind unsound. ''(again)'' Big old Bats has fallen down ''(again)'' I'm so happy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Batman has pulled the mind-control headband out of Joker's pocket. Ace is furious)''
:'''Joker''': Just... Just a souvenir, that's all! Give me that! ''(Tries to take it back)''
:'''Ace''': ''(stands up and advances on Joker)'' &quot;I'm not afraid of you...&quot;
:'''Joker''': ''(scared)'' Wait ... puh-please ...! ''(backs away)''
:'''Ace''': &quot;I know what it's like to frighten other people. That's why I'm not afraid of you. I'm the only one.&quot;
:'''Joker''': Don't do this! ''(cowers in fear and closes his eyes, obviously terrified)''
:'''Ace''': ''(petting Joker's head)'' Do what?
:'''Joker''': ''(looks up)'' That's my little Acey! Everything's going to be... AAAAAARRGH!
:''(Ace uses her powers on Joker to plunge him into a catatonic state)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in the Watchtower's infirmary]''
:'''Hawkgirl''': It was the shock of the detonation that stopped his heart... no, he's going to be fine. I'll stay with him tonight. Batman, about before? I'm sorry I...
:'''Batman''': No. We never leave a man behind. Right?
:'''Hawkgirl''': ''[smiles]'' Right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Stewart''': You know how we feel about each other.
:'''Hawkgirl''': John...
:'''John Stewart''': And I know you feel the same way.
:'''Hawkgirl''': It's not that simple. John, this can't go any further.
:'''John Stewart''': Why not?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Well... we work together.
:'''John Stewart''': So? Gives us something in common.
:'''Hawkgirl''': We can't be worrying about each other when we're fighting the bad guys.
:'''John Stewart''': Too late for that. What else you got?
:'''Hawkgirl''': Ugh... It's crazy, I mean, look at us. Just look at us.
:'''John Stewart''': I see a man, and a woman.
:''[John removes Shayera's helmet. They slowly get closer and kiss]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': Well, it's about time.

===Comfort And Joy===
:'''Jonathan Kent''': It's good to have you home again, son.
:'''Clark Kent''': It's good to be back, Pa. And I brought a friend.
:(''Clark walks in the house and J'onn appears in the doorway'')
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Kent. I hope I'm not intruding. Super.. er, Clark was most insistent I join you for the holiday. My name is J'onn. I'm a Martian.
:(''Jonathan and Martha usher J'onn into the house'')
:'''Jonathan Kent''': Oh, we're no strangers to aliens in this house. Make yourself at home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jonathan Kent''': Okay, everybody! I'm turning on the Christmas tree!
:'''Clark Kent''': Pa, that's my job!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Wow. Someone sure did a number on this place.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Actually, I hadn't even started... Do you believe the horrendous amount of public funding spent on this so-called ''art''? It's garbage! An affront to any decent human aesthetic!
:'''The Flash''': Oh-''kay'', I'll just take you back to prison, where you won't have to look at the ''ugly'' old sculptures anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You'll be happy to know, Flash, that your words - ''jejeune'' though they were - did not fall on deaf ears. I appreciate the sentiment behind them, and therefore call a truce in honor of the season.
:'''The Flash''': Seriously?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You'll have the toy to give to your young friends. I'm improving it, too.
:'''The Flash''': ''[suspicious]'' It's not gonna blow up or anything?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': ''[incredulous]'' Flash. It ''is'' Christmas.
:'''The Flash''': Okay, but why did you hit me?
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': You hit me first. Hand me that screwdriver, will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Flash''': Hey, kids, Santa Flash is back! ''[the children cheer]'' Along with my special helper, Freaky The Snowman! ''[the children grow silent]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Just give them the toy and take me to jail.
:'''The Flash''': Are you sure it won't, y'know...? ''[makes exploding noise]''
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Oh, for Heaven's sake!
:'''DJ Rubba' Ducky''': ''[in Ultra-Humanite's voice]'' Hello, children. Come close and I'll tell you a story.
:'''Child 1''': Is that DJ Rubba' Ducky?
:'''Child 2''': He sounds weird.
:'''DJ Rubba' Ducky''': ''[in Ultra-Humanite's voice]'' Little Clara had just received a beautiful toy nutcracker from her godfather, the mysterious Herr Drosselmeyer.
:'''Ultra-Humanite''': Well? An improvement, wouldn't you say?
:'''The Flash''': I kinda liked it when he made the poopy noise... ''[In spite of this, the children keep hearing the toy telling the story of ''The Nutcracker'' until they start sleeping.]'' ...but this is good, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawkgirl''': (''Entering a bar'') Hey, guys!
:'''Patrons''': Shayera!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''as J'onn sings his song'')
:'''Clark Kent''': And he said he didn't bring a gift.

===Starcrossed===
:[''Green Lantern has just found out about the relationship between Hawkgirl and Hro Talak'']
:'''Batman''': The most mysterious creatures in the universe.
:'''Green Lantern''': Sorry?
:'''Batman''': Women. Don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't know she was spoken for.
:'''Green Lantern''': How did you...?
:'''Batman''': It wasn't hard to figure out. The point is these things happen. You just have to accept it and move on.
:'''Green Lantern''': Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
:[''He starts to walk off but J'onn J'onnz (Martian Manhunter) stops him'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': Believe me, I know the pain when two people who are involved...
:[''The Flash speeds up to them'']
:'''Flash''': Who's involved? [''He looks at Green Lantern''] You and Hawkgirl?! Get out. [''Green Lantern glares at Flash''] Really?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't be afraid, little man. I won't bite.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''The League is on the run from the Thanagarians, hiding in a department store'']
:'''Martian Manhunter''': They'll have the whole city covered by now.
:'''Flash''': Who knows? Maybe they'll get tired and go home. [''Everyone looks at him''] ...Yeah, I know. But a little optimism at a time like this couldn't hurt.
:'''Thanagarians''': This is the voice of the Thanagarian Occupational Authority. Your so-called Justice League is in violation of our martial law. They are to be considered an enemy and dealt with on sight. Any person found aiding or harboring them will be summarily punished.
:'''Flash''': Okay, so much for optimism.
:'''Batman''': For the time being, we're going to have to go underground.
:'''Wonder Woman''': How exactly do we hide when the entire planet is looking for us?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': They'll be looking for the Justice League. Without our costumes, we are merely ordinary citizens. ''[shifts into human form]''
:'''Flash''': Hold on a second here. What about the whole secret identity thing? I mean, I trust you guys, but I'm not sure I'm ready to--
:'''Batman''': ''[points at Flash]'' Wally West, ''[points at Superman]'' Clark Kent... ''[removes own mask]'' Bruce Wayne.
:'''Flash''': ''[stares, wide-eyed]'' ...Showoff. ''[shrugs and removes his cowl]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[ruffles his hair]'' Red hair. It suits you.
:'''Flash''': You think? ''[gets hit in the head by a shirt]''
:'''Batman''': ''[stalks past, looking disgruntled]'' Change. Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in order to hide from pursuing Thanagarians, Diana and Bruce take refuge in a diner and, when the Thanagarians enter, Diana pulls Bruce into a kiss. They separate after the soldiers leave]''
:'''Diana Prince''': Sorry.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[with a grin]'' Don't be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shayera tries to convince Hro to relocate the hyperspace generator'')
:'''Hro Talak''': Have you forgotten why we fight? Of what horrors the Gordanians are capable of? Have you forgotten my long years rotting in their stinking prison camps?! (''takes off his headdress, revealing the scars on the side of his face'') I haven't!
:'''Shayera Hol''': I have forgotten nothing. But this war is no excuse to-
:'''Hro Talak''': I am your commander! You will not question me!
:'''Shayera Hol''': I don't even know you anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wally and John arrive at Wayne Manor; Alfred answers the door]''
:'''Wally West''': Uh, hi. We're looking for Bruce Wayne? We're friends.
:'''[[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]''': Of course, Master Bruce is expecting you. This way, please.
:'''Wally West''': So, [[w:Jeeves|Jeeves]], do you come with the place, or does &quot;Master Bruce&quot; just rent you out for parties?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I've been in service here since the master was in diapers.
:'''Wally West''': ''[turns to John]'' Now, ''there's'' a picture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Your guests have arrived, sir.
:'''Batman''': You're late.
:'''John Stewart''': Nice to see you too.
:'''Wally West''': [''seeing Batman's trophy T-rex''] Hey! That's a giant dinosaur!
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': And I thought ''Batman'' was the detective.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Examining data on Thanagarian plans]''
:'''Batman''': Ingenious.
:'''Superman''': Yeah, I'm impressed. Let's go wreck it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman throws batarangs at oncoming Thanagarians. At first nothing happens.'']
:'''Thanagarian soldier''': Your weapons are pitiful!
:'''Batman''': Wait for it...
:''[Swarm of bats attack the Thanagarians]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Flash causes the giant penny in the Batcave to fall on two Thanagarian warriors'')
:'''Flash''': Tails! I win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Well?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': I have no idea how to fly this vehicle.
:'''Flash''': What's this do? ''[pushes random button that causes the ship to fire at Wayne Manor, narrowly missing Alfred]''
:'''Batman''': ''[through clenched teeth]'' That's. ''Not.'' Helping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''[finding a bound Thanagarian]'' I've asked Master Bruce to refrain from leaving trash on the lawn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shayera Hol''': I came to help.
:'''Flash''': Hawkpeople all over the planet, martial law, us getting chased like dogs--I don't think we can take much more of your help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Superman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern are approaching the Thanagarian command ship, as it deploys interceptor fighters'')
:'''Wonder Woman''': Pretty bad odds.
:'''Superman''': Yeah. They don't stand a chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': Okay, the Watchtower is ours again. So where's your secret weapon?
:'''Batman''': You're standing in it.
:'''Flash''': Wait, you mean we're gonna...?
:'''Batman''': Take the Watchtower out of orbit and drop it right on top of their little science project.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman helps J'onn and the Flash load the unconscious Thanagarians into an escape pod, then closes the door and launches the pod, leaving himself behind.]''
:'''Martian Manhunter''': What are you doing?
:'''Batman''': I can't risk having the Watchtower burn up on re-entry.  I'll have to guide it in, manually. Gentlemen... it's been an honor.
:''[Flash slumps on the floor of the pod as it disengages and maneuvers away from the Watchtower.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hro Talak''': This won't be like the last time you stole something from me.
:'''Green Lantern''': Anything I took was freely offered. Maybe you should take better care of your stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hro Talak''': I've beaten you, little man. Any last words?
:'''Green Lantern''': Yeah - you can suck my dick, you punk motherfucker. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': My grandma hits harder than you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[over radio-link]'' We're cutting it a little close! Have you shut off the force-field?
:'''Superman''': Not yet.  Where are you?
:'''Batman''': Aboard the Watchtower, guiding it to target.
:'''Superman''': ''[shocked]'' That's insane! Get out of there!
:'''Batman''': Negative! I'm staying until... ''[static over radio]''
:'''Superman''': Batman! ''[abandons fight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman loses consciousness just before Superman arrives. Superman rips up the seat he's buckled into, and flies him away from the Watchtower before impact.]''
:'''Superman''': ''[As they pick themselves up from the rubble]'' Always have to be the hero, don't you?
:'''Batman''': Right back at ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shayera Hol''': They've been in there a long time.
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': If I may be so bold? I'm neither a superhero, nor a soldier, so I'm hardly qualified to judge your actions by those standards. But I do know this: without the great sacrifices you've made, we wouldn't be here to share this nice pot of tea. Whatever they decide in that room, in my eyes, you'll always be a hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flash''': No Hawkgirl. No Javelin. No Watchtower. What's gonna happen to the League now? Do we all just walk away?
:'''Martian Manhunter''': No. We rebuild, starting today.
:'''Superman''': J'onn's right. Earth still needs us, and we'll never let her down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Green Lantern''': Where are you gonna go?
:'''Shayera Hol''': I don't know. Someplace where the fate of the world wasn't in my hands. Someplace where there's no more secrets, no more lies.
:'''Green Lantern''': Was it all a lie?
:'''Shayera Hol''': I love you, John. I never lied about that. ''[flies away]''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''[tears falling off his face]'' I love you, too.

==See also==
* ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Justice League (TV series)}}
*{{imdb title|id=0275137|title=Justice League}}

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    <title>Shadow of a Doubt</title>
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[[File:Shadow of a Doubt (1942 poster - Style C).jpg|thumb]]
[[File:Shadow of a Doubt (1942 poster - Style D).jpg|thumb]]
[[File:Joseph Cotten in Shadow of a Doubt trailer.jpg|thumb|I guess heaven takes care of fools and scoundrels.]]
[[File:Teresa Wright in Shadow of a Doubt trailer.jpg|thumb|Have you ever stopped to think that a family should be the most wonderful thing in the world and that this family's just gone to pieces?]]
'''''[[w:Shadow of a Doubt|Shadow of a Doubt]]''''' is a [[w:1943 in film|1943]] [[w:film noir|film noir]] about a young woman who thinks her uncle, for whom she is named, may be a serial killer.
:''Directed by [[Alfred Hitchcock]]. Written by [[w:Thornton Wilder|Thornton Wilder]], [[w:Sally Benson|Sally Benson]], and [[w:Alma Reville|Alma Reville]], based on a story by [[w:Gordon McDonell|Gordon McDonell]]. 

== Dialogue ==
:'''Charlie''': I've come to the conclusion that I give up. I simply give up.
:'''Joseph''': What are you going to give up?
:'''Charlie''': Have you ever stopped to think that a family should be the most wonderful thing in the world and that this family's just gone to pieces?
:'''Joseph''': We have?
:'''Charlie''': Of course we have. We just sort of go along and nothing happens. We're in a terrible rut. It's been on my mind for months. What's gonna be our future? 
:'''Joseph''': Oh, come now, Charlie. Things aren't as bad as that. The bank gave me a raise last January. 
:'''Charlie''': Money. How can you talk about money when I'm talking about souls? We eat and sleep and that's about all. We don't even have any real conversations. We just talk...
:'''Joseph''': ...and work.
:'''Charlie''': Yes, poor mother, she works like a dog, just like a dog...When she comes back, it will be the same thing. Dinner, then dishes, then bed. I don't see how she stands it. You know, she's really a wonderful woman. I mean, she's not just a mother. And I think we ought to do something for her. Don't you think we should?
:'''Joseph''': Yeah. What were you thinking of doing for her?
:'''Charlie''': Oh, nothing I suppose. I guess we'll just have to wait for a miracle - or something...I don't believe in good intentions anymore. All I'm waiting for now is a miracle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': Mrs. Henderson, do you believe in telepathy?
:'''Mrs. Henderson''': Well I ought to, that's my business.
:''' Charlie''': Oh, not telegraphy, mental telepathy. Like, well, suppose you have a thought, and suppose the thought's about someone you're in tune with. And then across thousands of miles, that person knows what you're thinking about and answers you - and it's all mental.
:'''Mrs. Henderson''': I don't know what you're talkin' about. I only send telegrams the normal way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I can't explain it but you came here and Mother's so happy and I'm glad that she named me after you and that she thinks we're both alike. I think we are too. I know it. It would spoil things if you should give me anything.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': You're a strange girl, Charlie. Why would it spoil things?
:'''Charlie''': Because we're not just an uncle and a niece. It's something else. I know you. I know that you don't tell people a lot of things. I don't either. I have the feeling that inside you somewhere, there's something nobody knows about. 
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Something nobody knows?
:'''Charlie''': Something secret and wonderful and - I'll find it out.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': It's not good to find out too much, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': But we're sorta like twins, don't you see? We ''have'' to know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I've never been photographed in my life and I don't want to be.
:'''Emma''': But Charles, how can you talk that way? I had a photograph of you. I gave it to Charlie.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I tell you there are none.
:'''Emma''': I guess you've forgotten this one...It was taken the Christmas you got your bicycle, just before your accident.
:'''Charlie''': Uncle Charlie, you were beautiful!
:'''Emma''': Wasn't he, though? And such a quiet boy, always reading. I always said Papa never should have bought you that bicycle. You didn't know how to handle it. Charlie, he took it right out on the icy road and skidded into a streetcar. We thought he was going to die.
:'''Charlie''': I'm glad he didn't.
:'''Emma''': Well he almost did. He fractured his skull. And he was laid up so long. And then - when he was getting well, there was no holding him. It was just as though all the rest he had was, well, too much for him, and he had to get into mischief to blow off steam. He didn't do much reading after that, let me tell you. It was taken the very day he had his accident. And then a few days later, when the pictures came home, how Mama cried. She wondered if he'd ever look the same. She wondered if he'd ever be the same.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': What's the use of looking backward? What's the use of looking ahead? Today's the thing. That's my philosophy. Today.
:'''Emma''': Well, if today is the thing, then you'd better finish your breakfast and get down to the bank because Joe will be waiting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I got in the habit of carrying a lot of cash with me when I was traveling. 
:'''Mr. Green''': Dangerous habit, Mr. Oakley. 
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Never lost a penny in my life, Mr. Green. I guess heaven takes care of fools and scoundrels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': What does your brother ''do''?
:'''Emma''': Oh, he's just in ''business''. You know the way men are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': You know, your picking us as an average family kind of gave me a funny feeling...I guess I don't like to be an average girl in an average family.
:'''Jack''': Average families are the best. Look at me. I'm from an average family.
:'''Charlie''': As average as ours?
:'''Jack''': Sure. Besides, I don't think you're average.
:'''Charlie''': That's because you see me now instead of a few days ago. I was in the dumps, and then Uncle Charlie came and everything changed.
:'''Jack''': But your mother said he only got here last night. Maybe you just think that...
:'''Charlie''': I don't think, I know. It's funny, but when I try to think of how I feel, I-I always come back to Uncle Charlie. Are you trying to tell me I shouldn't think he's so wonderful?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I know what you are really. You're a detective. There's something the matter and you're a detective...
:'''Jack''': Charlie, listen.
:'''Charlie''': I don't want to listen. You're not in a survey at all. You lied to us. You lied to mother. You just wanted to get in our house. That's what it is. What do you want with us? What are you doing around here lying to us?
:'''Jack''': Look, Charlie, you've got to listen to me. You've got to trust me.
:'''Charlie''': When you've done nothing but lie?
:'''Jack''': I had to. When I came here to this town to find a man. I hadn't counted on you. I hadn't counted on your mother or your family...There's a man loose in this country. We're after him. We don't know much about him. We don't even know what he looks like...This man we want may be your uncle.
:'''Charlie''': I don't believe you. Go away and leave me alone.
:'''Jack''': We're after one man. Your uncle may be that man. We followed him. We think he is. But in the east, there's another man who's being hunted too, hunted through Massachusetts and into Maine. He may be the one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Women keep busy in towns like this. In the cities it's different. The cities are full of women, middle-aged widows, husbands dead, husbands who've spent their lives making fortunes, working and working. Then they die and leave their money to their wives. Their silly wives. And what do the wives do, these useless women? You see them in the hotels, the best hotels, every day by the thousands, drinking the money, eating the money, losing the money at bridge, playing all day and all night, smelling of money. Proud of their jewelry but of nothing else. Horrible, faded, fat, greedy women.
:'''Charlie''': They're alive! They're human beings!
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Are they? Are they, Charlie? Are they human or are they fat wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Teresa Wright and Joseph Cotten in Shadow of a Doubt trailer.png|thumb|The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it?]]
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Well, Charlie?
:'''Charlie''': Well?
:'''Uncle Charlie''': You think you know something, don't you? That young fellow told you something.
:'''Charlie''': Yes. Why should he know something about you?
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Now look, Charlie, something's come between us. I don't want that to happen. Why, we're old friends. More than that. We're like twins. You said so yourself. ''[He takes Charlie's hand and she pulls away]''
:'''Charlie''': Don't touch me Uncle Charlie.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': What did he tell you? What did that boy tell you?
:'''Charlie''': It's got nothing to do with it. I hope he never knows anything about you.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Charlie, you're a pretty understanding sort of girl. You've heard some little things about me. I guess you're a woman of the world enough to overlook them. You're the head of your family, Charlie, anyone can see that. I'm not so old. I've been chasing around the globe since I was sixteen. I guess I've done some pretty foolish things. And some pretty foolish mistakes. Nothing serious, just foolish. ''[pause]'' Aw, Charlie now, don't start imagining things.
:'''Charlie''': How could you do such things? You're my uncle, my mother's brother. We thought you were the most wonderful man in the world. The most wonderful and the best.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Charlie, what do you know?
:''[She takes the emerald ring from her pocket and places it on the table]'' 
:'''Louise''': I'm sorry I was so long with these. ''[places drinks on the table]'' Whose is it? Ain't it beautiful. I'd just die for a ring like that. Yes sir, for a ring like that, I'd just about die. I love jewelry, real jewelry. You notice I didn't even have to ask if it was real? You can tell...I can.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Bring me another brandy.
:''[Charlie tries to leave]'' 
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Sit down. Sit down. You think you know something, don't you? You think you're the clever little girl who knows something. There's so much you don't know. So much. What do you know, really? You're just an ordinary little girl living in an ordinary little town. You wake up every morning of your life and you know perfectly well that there's nothing in the world to trouble you. You go through your ordinary little day and at night you sleep your untroubled, ordinary little sleep filled with peaceful, stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares! Or did I, or was it a silly inexpert little lie. You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know if you rip the fronts off houses you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it? Wake up, Charlie! Use your wits. Learn something.
:''[Charlie runs out, then is caught by her uncle near her house]'' 
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Charlie, will you help me?
:'''Charlie''': Help you?
:'''Uncle Charlie''': The same blood flows through our veins, Charlie. A week ago, I was at the end of my rope. Oh, I'm so tired, Charlie. There's an end to the running a man can do. You'll never know what it's like to be so tired. I was going to- well, then I got the idea of coming out here. It's my last chance, Charlie. Give it to me! Graham and the other fellow, they don't know. There's a man in the East. They suspect him too. And if they get him, I-- Charlie, give me this last chance.
:'''Charlie''': Take your chance. Go.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I'll go, Charlie, I'll go. Just give me a few days. Think of your mother. It'll kill your mother.
:'''Charlie''': Yes, it would kill my mother. Oh, take your few days. See that you get away from here.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Do you realize what it will mean if they get me? The electric chair. Charlie, you've got to help me. I count on you. You said yourself we're no ordinary uncle and niece, no matter what I've done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack''': I guess I like you whatever you do. I guess I like you.
:'''Charlie''': I'm glad. I like you too.
:'''Jack''': Funny how you happen to meet someone and like them and - like them. Charlie...I suppose it couldn't ever really happen some day that you'd tell your father, you know, about marrying someone, a detective, I mean.
:'''Charlie''': I don't know.
:'''Jack''': I didn't mean to tell you. I wanted to wait until you'd forgotten all the mess we've been through together so you could stop thinking of me as something unpleasant and frightening. I wanted to wait and come back and then tell you. But I can't help it. I want to tell you now. I love you, Charlie. I love you terribly. I know it's no time to tell you now and I'm sorry. Do you mind?
:'''Charlie''': I don't mind.
:'''Jack''': Do you think you could think about it?
:'''Charlie''': About your loving me?
:'''Jack''': And perhaps your loving me?
:'''Charlie''': I'd like us to be friends. I know that. Well, we ''are'' friends. I'd like to have that to think about.
:'''Jack''': And nothing more?
:'''Charlie''': I don't know, Jack, I-I just don't know yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': When are you leaving, Uncle Charlie?
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Oh come now, Charlie. That other business - it's all over. I'd like to forget it. We're all happy here.
:'''Charlie''': When are you leaving?
:'''Uncle Charles''': I'm not going, you see. Not yet, I'm not going. I want to settle down. Live in a place where people know me. Have some money in the bank, some sort of business. Be a part of this family.
:'''Charlie''': Oh, I see.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': The most sensible thing for you to do is to be friends with me. I can do a lot for you, Charlie. A lot for all of you.
:'''Charlie''': No, not you. We don't want anything from you. I wish I'd told my mother about you. I wish I had.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Oh, I know what you've been thinking. How do you think your mother would have felt? What would it do to her now? How about your father's job at the bank? What would become of all of you if everything came out?
:'''Charlie''': I know. You needn't be afraid. I can't tell them.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I'm not afraid, Charlie. What would you tell? Who would believe you? A waltz runs through your head. You don't like the initials in a ring and you connect it all up with a newspaper clipping. And now you haven't even got the ring. I don't know what became of it.
:'''Charlie''': You have it.
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I? I gave it to you.
:'''Charlie''': I don't want you here, Uncle Charlie. I don't want you to touch my mother. So go away, I'm warning you. Go away or I'll kill you myself. See, that's the way I feel about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Charlie''': Charlie, just a minute. I want you to know I think you were right to make me leave. It's best for your mother. Best for all of us. You saw what happened to her last night. She's not very strong, you know. I don't think she could stand the shock. I remember once when she was a little girl... ''[The train begins moving faster, but he seizes her as she panics and tries to break away.]'' No, listen Charlie, I want you to forget all about me. Forget that I ever came to Santa Rosa.
:'''Charlie''': Your hands! Let me go, Uncle Charlie. Let me go.
:''[She struggles into the space between the cars, while he grips her mouth and throat and opens the door to fling her onto the tracks.]''
:'''Uncle Charlie''': I've got to do this, Charlie, so long as you know what you do about me. ''[He lifts her off the ground - her legs dangle in the air.]'' Not yet, Charlie, let it get a little faster! Just a little faster! Faster! Now!
:''[Struggling with him, she is able to reverse position with him and pushes him in front of the oncoming train]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': I'm glad you were able to come, Jack. I couldn't have faced it without someone who knew. I did know more. I couldn't tell you.
:'''Graham''': I know.
:'''Charlie''': He thought the world was a horrible place. He couldn't have been very happy ever. He didn't trust people. He seemed to hate them. Hated the whole world. You know, he said that people like us had no idea what the world was really like.
:'''Graham''': Well, it's not quite as bad as that, but sometimes it needs a lot of watching. It seems to go crazy every now and then, like your Uncle Charlie.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Teresa Wright|Teresa Wright]] - Charlie Newton 
* [[w:Joseph Cotten|Joseph Cotten]] - Uncle Charlie Oakley 
* [[w:Macdonald Carey|Macdonald Carey]] - Det. Jack Graham 
* [[w:Henry Travers|Henry Travers]] - Joseph Newton 
* [[w:Patricia Collinge|Patricia Collinge]] - Emma Newton 
* [[w:Hume Cronyn|Hume Cronyn]] - Herbie Hawkins 
* [[w:Wallace Ford|Wallace Ford]] - Det. Fred Saunders 
* [[w:Edna May Wonacott|Edna May Wonacott]] - Ann Newton 
* [[w:Charles Bates (actor)|Charles Bates]] - Roger Newton

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0036342|title=Shadow of a Doubt}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=shadow_of_a_doubt|title=Shadow of a Doubt}} 
* [http://www.filmsite.org/shad.html Shadow of a Doubt at filmsite.org]

[[Category:1943 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Drama films]] 
[[Category:Film noir]]
[[Category:Mystery films]]
[[Category:Films about psychopaths]]
[[Category:Films directed by Alfred Hitchcock]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]</text>
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    <title>Louis Brandeis</title>
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      <text bytes="24805" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brandeisl.jpg|thumb|If we would guide by the light of reason, we must let our minds be bold.]]
[[File:Louis Brandeis, circa 1900.jpg|thumb|We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.]]
'''[[w:Louis Brandeis|Louis Dembitz Brandeis]]''' (November 13, 1856 – October 5, 1941) was an American litigator, [[w:Supreme Court Justice|Supreme Court Justice]], advocate of privacy, and developer of the [[w:Brandeis Brief|Brandeis Brief]].

==Extra-judicial writings==
* The intensity and complexity of life, attendant upon advancing civilization, have rendered necessary some retreat from the world.
** &quot;The Right to Privacy,&quot; 4 Harvard L. Rev. 193, 196 (1890).

* The bow must be strung and unstrung . . . there must be time also for the unconscious thinking which comes to the busy man in his play.
** Letter to William Harrison Dunbar (February 2, 1893), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' (1870–1907): Urban Reformer 109 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* When a man feels that he cannot leave his work, it is a sure sign of an impending collapse.
** Letter to Alfred Brandeis (March 8, 1897), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' 127 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* What I have desired to do is to make the people of Boston realize that the most important office, and the one which all of us can and should fill, is that of private citizen. The duties of the office of private citizen cannot under a republican form of government be neglected without serious injury to the public.
** Statement to a reporter in the ''Boston Record'', 14 April 1903. (quoted in Alpheus Thomas Mason, ''Brandeis: A Free Man's Life'' (1946), p. 122.)&lt;!-- An original clipping of this article can be found in the Louis Brandeis Archives at the University of Louisville Brandeis School of Law. This documentation was provided courtesy of Scott Campbell, the librarian in charge of the Brandeis collection at the law school. —[[User:Jeremylerner|Jeremylerner]] 21:12, 27 April 2012 (UTC) --&gt;
** Commonly paraphrased as &quot;The most important office is that of the private citizen&quot; or &quot;The most important political office is that of the private citizen&quot;, and sometimes misattributed to his dissenting opinion in ''Olmstead v. United States''.

* It is, as a rule, far more important how men pursue their occupation than what the occupation is which they select.
** ''The Opportunity in the Law'', 39 American Law Review 555, 555 (1905).

* [N]o people ever did or ever can attain a worthy civilization by the satisfaction merely of material needs . . .
** &quot;Hours of Labor&quot; (1906), ''reprinted in'' ''Brandeis on Democracy'' 91 (Philippa Strum, ed., 1995).

* There must be opportunities for judgment to mature. When, therefore, you increase your business to a very great extent, and the multitude of problems increase with its growth, you will find, in the first place, that the man at the head has a diminishing knowledge of the facts and, in the second place, a diminishing opportunity of exercising a careful judgment upon them.
** Testimony before the United States Senate, Committee On Interstate Commerce (December 14, 1911).

* If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable.
** in the ''Cleveland Plain Dealer'' (15 October 1912), as cited in ''A Treasury of Jewish Quotations'', ed. Joseph L. Baron, Rowman &amp; Littlefield (1996), p. 269 : &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|1568219482}}&lt;/small&gt;

*In the field of modern business, so rich in opportunity for the exercise of man's finest and most varied mental faculties and moral qualities, mere money-making cannot be regarded as the legitimate end. Neither can mere growth of bulk or power be admitted as a worthy ambition. Nor can a man nobly mindful of his serious responsibilities to society view business as a game; since with the conduct of business human happiness or misery is inextricably interwoven.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

*Real success in business is to be found in achievements comparable rather with those of the artist or the scientist, of the inventor or statesman. And the joys sought in the profession of business must be like their joys and not the mere vulgar satisfaction which is experienced in the acquisition of money, in the exercise of power or in the frivolous pleasure of mere winning.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

* Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. '''Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.'''
** ''Other People's Money—and How Bankers Use It'' (1914).

* A man is a better citizen of the United States for being also a loyal citizen of his state, and of his city; for being loyal to his family, and to his profession or trade; for being loyal to his college or his lodge. . . . For only through the ennobling effect of its strivings can we develop the best that is in us and give to this country the full benefit of our great inheritance.
** ''The Jewish Problem And How to Solve It'' (1915).

* What are the American ideals? They are the development of the individual for his own and the common good; the development of the individual through liberty, and the attainment of the common good through democracy and social justice.
** “True Americanism” (1915).

*'''[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.'''
** ''The Living Law'', 10 Illinois Law Review 461, 467 (1915-16).

* Constitutional rights should not be frittered away by arguments so technical and unsubstantial.
** ''Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'', 255 U.S. 407, 431 (1921).

* There is in most Americans some spark of idealism, which can be fanned into a flame. It takes sometimes a divining rod to find what it is; but when found, and that means often, when disclosed to the owners, the results are often extraordinary.
** ''The Words of Justice Brandeis'' (1953).

* [T]hat which is man-made can be unmade.
** Letter to Frank Albert Fetter (November 26, 1940), ''reprinted in''  ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume V'' 648 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds.,State University of New York Press 1978).

* '''We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.'''
** As quoted by Raymond Lonergan in ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 42.

* Strong, responsible unions are essential to industrial fair play. Without them the labor bargain is wholly one-sided. The parties to the labor contract must be nearly equal in strength if justice is to be worked out, and this means that the workers must be organized and that their organizations must be recognized by employers as a condition precedent to industrial peace.
** Reported in Osmond Kessler Fraenkel, Clarence Martin Lewis, ''The Curse of Bigness: Miscellaneous Papers of Louis D. Brandeis'' (1965), p. 43.

==Judicial opinions==
* The general [[rule]] of [[law]] is, that '''the noblest of human productions — [[knowledge]], [[truths]] ascertained, conceptions and [[ideas]] — become, after voluntary communication to others, free as the air to common use.'''
** Dissent, ''[[w:International News Service v. Associated Press|International News Service v. Associated Press]]'' (1918).

* Full and free exercise of this right by the citizen is ordinarily also his duty; for its exercise is more important to the nation than it is to himself. Like the course of the heavenly bodies, harmony in national life is a resultant of the struggle between contending forces. In frank expression of conflicting opinion lies the greatest promise of wisdom in governmental action; and in suppression lies ordinarily the greatest peril.
** Dissent, ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'', 254 U.S. 325, 338 (1920).

* At the foundation of our civil liberty lies the principle which denies to government officials an exceptional position before the law and which subjects them to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. 
** Dissent, ''Burdeau v. McDowell'', 256 U.S. 465, 477 (1921).

* There are many men now living who were in the habit of using the age-old expression: 'It is as impossible as flying.' The discoveries in physical science, the triumphs in invention, attest the value of the process of trial and error. In large measure, these advances have been due to experimentation.
** Dissent, ''[[w:New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann|New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann]]'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* '''If we would guide by the light of [[reason]], we must let our minds be bold.'''
** Dissent, ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* ''Stare decisis'' is usually the wise policy, because in most matters it is more important that the applicable rule of law be settled than that it be settled right... This is commonly true even where the error is a matter of serious concern, provided correction can be had by legislation.  But in cases involving the Federal Constitution, where correction through legislative action is practically impossible, this court has often overruled its earlier decisions. '''The court bows to the lessons of experience and the force of better reasoning, recognizing that the process of trial and error, so fruitful in the physical sciences, is appropriate also in the judicial function.'''
** Dissent, ''Burnet v. Coronado Oil &amp; Gas Co.'', 285 U.S. 393 (1932).

* The prevalence of the corporation in America has led men of this generation to act, at times, as if the privilege of doing business in corporate form were inherent in the citizen; and has led them to accept the evils attendant upon the free and unrestricted use of the corporate mechanism as if these evils were the inescapable price of civilized life, and, hence to be borne with resignation.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933).

* Through size, corporations, once merely an efficient tool employed by individuals in the conduct of private business have become an institution-an institution which has brought such concentration of economic power that so-called private corporations are sometimes able to dominate the state. The typical business corporation of the last century, owned by a small group of individuals, managed by their owners, and limited in size by their private wealth, is being supplanted by huge concerns in which the lives of tens or hundreds of thousands of employees and the property of tens of hundreds of thousands of investors are subjected, through the corporate mechanism, to the control of a few men. '''Ownership has been separated from control; and this separation has removed many of the checks which formerly operated to curb the misuse of wealth and power.''' And, as ownership of the shares is becoming continually more dispersed, the power which formerly accompanied ownership is becoming increasingly concentrated in the hands of a few... [and] coincident with the growth of these giant corporations, there has occurred a marked concentration of individual wealth; and that the resulting disparity in incomes is a major cause of the existing depression.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 565-67.

* [O]nly through participation by the many in the responsibilities and determinations of business can Americans secure the moral and intellectual development which is essential to the maintenance of liberty.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 580.

* '''[[Founding Fathers of the United States|Those who won our independence]]''' believed that '''the final end of the state was to make men free to develop their faculties, and that in its government the deliberative forces should prevail over the arbitrary.''' They '''valued liberty both as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty.''' They believed that '''freedom to think as you will and to speak as you think are means indispensable to the discovery and spread of political truth'''; that '''without free speech and assembly discussion would be futile'''; that '''with them, discussion affords ordinarily adequate protection against the dissemination of noxious doctrine'''; that '''the greatest menace to freedom is an inert people'''; that '''public discussion is a political duty'''; and that this should be a fundamental principle of the American government. They recognized the risks to which all human institutions are subject. But they knew that '''order cannot be secured merely through fear of punishment for its infraction'''; that '''it is hazardous to discourage thought, hope and imagination'''; that '''fear breeds repression'''; that '''repression breeds hate'''; that '''hate menaces stable government'''; that '''the path of safety lies in the opportunity to discuss freely supposed grievances and proposed remedies''', and that '''the fitting remedy for evil counsels is good ones'''. '''Believing in the power of reason as applied through public discussion, they eschewed silence coerced by law -- the argument of force in its worst form. Recognizing the occasional tyrannies of governing majorities, they amended the Constitution so that free speech and assembly should be guaranteed.'''
** Concurring, ''[[w:Whitney v. California|Whitney v. California]]'', 274 U.S. 357, 375 (1927), at 375-376. In this case, in which the Court upheld a California anti-Communist statute, Brandeis, writing in a concurrence joined by Justice [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], concurred in the judgment but not in the reasoning. ''Whitney'' was later overruled (with the later Court adopting Brandeis's reasoning) in ''[[w:Brandenburg v. Ohio|Brandenburg v. Ohio]]'', 395 U.S.  444 (1969).

* '''Fear of serious injury cannot alone justify suppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared [[witches]] and burnt [[women]]. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357, 376 (1927).

* '''Those who won our independence by revolution were not cowards. They did not fear political change. They did not exalt order at the cost of liberty. To courageous, self-reliant men, with confidence in the power of free and fearless reasoning applied through the processes of popular government, no danger flowing from speech can be deemed clear and present, unless the incidence of the evil apprehended is so imminent that it may befall before there is opportunity for full discussion. If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and [[fallacies]], to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357 (1927).

* The progress of science in furnishing the government with means of espionage is not likely to stop with wire tapping. Ways may some day be developed by which the government, without removing papers from secret drawers, can reproduce them in court, and by which it will be enabled to expose to a jury the most intimate occurrences of the home. Advances in the psychic and related sciences may bring means of exploring unexpressed beliefs, thoughts and emotions. 'That places the liberty of every man in the hands of every petty officer' was said by James Otis of much lesser intrusions than these. 1 To Lord Camden a far slighter intrusion seemed 'subversive of all the comforts of society.' Can it be that the Constitution affords no protection against such invasions of individual security? 
** Dissenting, ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* '''The makers of our Constitution undertook to secure conditions favorable to the pursuit of happiness. They recognized the significance of man's spiritual nature, of his feelings and of his intellect. They knew that only a part of the pain, pleasure and satisfactions of life are to be found in material things. They sought to protect Americans in their beliefs, their thoughts, their emotions and their sensations. They conferred, as against the government, the right to be let alone -- the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued by civilized men.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* The defendants' objections to the evidence obtained by wire-tapping must, in my opinion, be sustained. It is, of course, immaterial where the physical connection with the telephone wires leading into the defendants' premises was made. And it is also immaterial that the intrusion was in aid of law enforcement. '''Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438, 479 (1928). The last sentence is one of many quotations inscribed on Cox Corridor II, a first floor House corridor, U.S. Capitol.

* '''Decency, security, and liberty alike demand that government officials shall be subjected to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. In a government of laws, existence of the government will be imperiled if it fails to observe the law scrupulously. Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. To declare that in the administration of the criminal law the end justifies the means -- to declare that the government may commit crimes in order to secure the conviction of a private criminal -- would bring terrible retribution. Against that pernicious doctrine this court should resolutely set its face.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

==Attributed==
* Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
** Reported in Irving Dilliard, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 112.
* Go down to City Hall and see what is on the agenda for the next council meeting—garbage collection, water supply, it does not matter which one—then go and learn everything you can about it. Read past reports, talk to people, learn the topic until you know it as well as anyone. Then when you get up to speak, or to make a suggestion for change, your voice will be heard because you are knowledgeable. That is how reform works.
** According to daughter Elizabeth Brandeis Raushenbush, as told to biographer Melvin I. Urofsky, ''Louis D. Brandeis: A Life'' (2009), p. 130.

== Quotes of others about Brandeis ==
* True human progress is based less on the inventive mind than on the conscience of men such as Brandeis.
** [[Albert Einstein]], statement sent to the Boston journal ''The Jewish Advocate'' on [[1931-10-19]] on the occasion of Justice Brandeis' seventy-fifth birthday, quoted in Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffman, eds., ''Albert Einstein: The Human Side'' (Princeton University Press, 1981), {{ISBN|0-691-02368-9}}, p. 85.

* With deepest veneration and fellow feeling, I clasp your hand on the occasion of your eightieth birthday.  I know of no other person who combines such profound intellectual gifts with such self-renunciation while finding the whole meaning of his life in quiet service to the community.  We -- all of us -- thank you not only for what you have accomplished and brought about, but also because we feel happy that such a man should exist at all in this time of ours, which is so lacking in genuine personalities. &lt;br&gt; With reverent greetings....
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to Justice Brandeis on [[1936-11-10]], ''ibid.''
** Dukas and Hoffman comment: &quot;the handwritten original is among the Brandeis papers at the Law School of the University of Louisville.&quot;

* In a time of moral and intellectual anarchy, he handed on the great tradition of faith in the mind and spirit of man.
** [[Dean Acheson]], former clerk to Justice Brandeis, after Brandeis’s death in 1941.

* To Brandeis, as to Jefferson, the key to a successful democracy lies in the spirit, the vitality, the daring, the inventiveness of its citizens.
**  Vincent Blasi, ''The First Amendment And The Ideal of Civic Courage: The Brandeis Opinion in'' Whitney v. California, 29 Wm. &amp; Mary L. Rev. 653, 686 (1988).

* Every case that fell to him for opinion gave fresh occasion for the application of his principle that knowledge must precede understanding, and understanding should precede judging.
** Paul A. Freund, ''Proceedings in Memory of Mr. Justice Brandeis'', 317 U.S. ix, xix–xx (1942).
*I spoke with him [Brandeis] at length, in German. I saw he's a very great man who can't bear injustice being done to anyone, anywhere...His soul is hewn of the purest marble.
**[[Abraham Isaac Kook]], ''Rav Kook: Mystic in a Time of Revolution'', Yehuda Mirsky (2014). 

* [Brandeis] did not believe with the evangelist that . . . truth could be found by abiding in the Word or in becoming the disciple of any leader. Neither did he think it came from intuition or from speculation in metaphysics. He thought it could and would come only from the relentless, disinterested and critical study of facts.
** Henry J. Friendly, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis: The Quest for Reason'', 108 U. Pa. L. Rev. 985, 999 (1960).

* There is nothing cold or detached or aloof about the private Brandeis, but it is perfectly in keeping with his views of privacy that while he was alive he kept . . . his life and personality hidden from public view.
** Introduction to ''The Family Letters of Louis D. Brandeis'' at xxi (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., University of Oklahoma Press 2002).

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=297&amp;invol=288 ''Ashwander v. Tennessee Valley Authority'' (1936) (concurring)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=304&amp;invol=64 ''Erie Railroad Co. v. Tompkins'' (1938) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Gilbert_v_MN ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'' (1920) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=285&amp;invol=262 ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'' (1932) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=case&amp;court=us&amp;vol=277&amp;invol=438 ''Olmstead v. United States'' (1928) (dissenting)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Ruthenberg_v_Michigan ''Ruthenberg v. Michigan'' (1927) (unpublished dissent)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=249&amp;invol=182 ''Sugarman v. United States'' (1919) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Milwaukee_Democratic_Publishing_v_Burleson ''United States ex rel Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'' (1921) (dissenting)]  
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Whitney_v_CA ''Whitney v. California'' (1927) (concurring)]
* [http://louisville.edu/law/library/special-collections/the-louis-d.-brandeis-collection/the-collected-supreme-court-opinions-of-louis-d.-brandeis The Collected Supreme Court Opinions of Louis D. Brandeis]
* Harvard University Library Open Collections Program. Women Working, 1870-1930, [http://ocp.hul.harvard.edu/ww/people_brandeis.html Louis Brandeis (1846-1941).] A full-text searchable online database with complete access to publications written by Louis Brandeis.

{{DEFAULTSORT:Brandeis, Louis}}
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      <text bytes="25024" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brandeisl.jpg|thumb|If we would guide by the light of reason, we must let our minds be bold.]]
[[File:Louis Brandeis, circa 1900.jpg|thumb|We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.]]
[[File:Justice L.D. Brandeis of Supreme Court LCCN2016849493.jpg|thumb|[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.]]
'''[[w:Louis Brandeis|Louis Dembitz Brandeis]]''' (November 13, 1856 – October 5, 1941) was an American litigator, [[w:Supreme Court Justice|Supreme Court Justice]], advocate of privacy, and developer of the [[w:Brandeis Brief|Brandeis Brief]].

==Extra-judicial writings==
* The intensity and complexity of life, attendant upon advancing civilization, have rendered necessary some retreat from the world.
** &quot;The Right to Privacy,&quot; 4 Harvard L. Rev. 193, 196 (1890).

* The bow must be strung and unstrung . . . there must be time also for the unconscious thinking which comes to the busy man in his play.
** Letter to William Harrison Dunbar (February 2, 1893), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' (1870–1907): Urban Reformer 109 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* When a man feels that he cannot leave his work, it is a sure sign of an impending collapse.
** Letter to Alfred Brandeis (March 8, 1897), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' 127 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* What I have desired to do is to make the people of Boston realize that the most important office, and the one which all of us can and should fill, is that of private citizen. The duties of the office of private citizen cannot under a republican form of government be neglected without serious injury to the public.
** Statement to a reporter in the ''Boston Record'', 14 April 1903. (quoted in Alpheus Thomas Mason, ''Brandeis: A Free Man's Life'' (1946), p. 122.)&lt;!-- An original clipping of this article can be found in the Louis Brandeis Archives at the University of Louisville Brandeis School of Law. This documentation was provided courtesy of Scott Campbell, the librarian in charge of the Brandeis collection at the law school. —[[User:Jeremylerner|Jeremylerner]] 21:12, 27 April 2012 (UTC) --&gt;
** Commonly paraphrased as &quot;The most important office is that of the private citizen&quot; or &quot;The most important political office is that of the private citizen&quot;, and sometimes misattributed to his dissenting opinion in ''Olmstead v. United States''.

* It is, as a rule, far more important how men pursue their occupation than what the occupation is which they select.
** ''The Opportunity in the Law'', 39 American Law Review 555, 555 (1905).

* [N]o people ever did or ever can attain a worthy civilization by the satisfaction merely of material needs . . .
** &quot;Hours of Labor&quot; (1906), ''reprinted in'' ''Brandeis on Democracy'' 91 (Philippa Strum, ed., 1995).

* There must be opportunities for judgment to mature. When, therefore, you increase your business to a very great extent, and the multitude of problems increase with its growth, you will find, in the first place, that the man at the head has a diminishing knowledge of the facts and, in the second place, a diminishing opportunity of exercising a careful judgment upon them.
** Testimony before the United States Senate, Committee On Interstate Commerce (December 14, 1911).

* If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable.
** in the ''Cleveland Plain Dealer'' (15 October 1912), as cited in ''A Treasury of Jewish Quotations'', ed. Joseph L. Baron, Rowman &amp; Littlefield (1996), p. 269 : &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|1568219482}}&lt;/small&gt;

*In the field of modern business, so rich in opportunity for the exercise of man's finest and most varied mental faculties and moral qualities, mere money-making cannot be regarded as the legitimate end. Neither can mere growth of bulk or power be admitted as a worthy ambition. Nor can a man nobly mindful of his serious responsibilities to society view business as a game; since with the conduct of business human happiness or misery is inextricably interwoven.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

*Real success in business is to be found in achievements comparable rather with those of the artist or the scientist, of the inventor or statesman. And the joys sought in the profession of business must be like their joys and not the mere vulgar satisfaction which is experienced in the acquisition of money, in the exercise of power or in the frivolous pleasure of mere winning.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

* Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. '''Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.'''
** ''Other People's Money—and How Bankers Use It'' (1914).

* A man is a better citizen of the United States for being also a loyal citizen of his state, and of his city; for being loyal to his family, and to his profession or trade; for being loyal to his college or his lodge. . . . For only through the ennobling effect of its strivings can we develop the best that is in us and give to this country the full benefit of our great inheritance.
** ''The Jewish Problem And How to Solve It'' (1915).

* What are the American ideals? They are the development of the individual for his own and the common good; the development of the individual through liberty, and the attainment of the common good through democracy and social justice.
** “True Americanism” (1915).

*'''[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.'''
** ''The Living Law'', 10 Illinois Law Review 461, 467 (1915-16).

* Constitutional rights should not be frittered away by arguments so technical and unsubstantial.
** ''Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'', 255 U.S. 407, 431 (1921).

* There is in most Americans some spark of idealism, which can be fanned into a flame. It takes sometimes a divining rod to find what it is; but when found, and that means often, when disclosed to the owners, the results are often extraordinary.
** ''The Words of Justice Brandeis'' (1953).

* [T]hat which is man-made can be unmade.
** Letter to Frank Albert Fetter (November 26, 1940), ''reprinted in''  ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume V'' 648 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds.,State University of New York Press 1978).

* '''We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.'''
** As quoted by Raymond Lonergan in ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 42.

* Strong, responsible unions are essential to industrial fair play. Without them the labor bargain is wholly one-sided. The parties to the labor contract must be nearly equal in strength if justice is to be worked out, and this means that the workers must be organized and that their organizations must be recognized by employers as a condition precedent to industrial peace.
** Reported in Osmond Kessler Fraenkel, Clarence Martin Lewis, ''The Curse of Bigness: Miscellaneous Papers of Louis D. Brandeis'' (1965), p. 43.

==Judicial opinions==
* The general [[rule]] of [[law]] is, that '''the noblest of human productions — [[knowledge]], [[truths]] ascertained, conceptions and [[ideas]] — become, after voluntary communication to others, free as the air to common use.'''
** Dissent, ''[[w:International News Service v. Associated Press|International News Service v. Associated Press]]'' (1918).

* Full and free exercise of this right by the citizen is ordinarily also his duty; for its exercise is more important to the nation than it is to himself. Like the course of the heavenly bodies, harmony in national life is a resultant of the struggle between contending forces. In frank expression of conflicting opinion lies the greatest promise of wisdom in governmental action; and in suppression lies ordinarily the greatest peril.
** Dissent, ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'', 254 U.S. 325, 338 (1920).

* At the foundation of our civil liberty lies the principle which denies to government officials an exceptional position before the law and which subjects them to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. 
** Dissent, ''Burdeau v. McDowell'', 256 U.S. 465, 477 (1921).

* There are many men now living who were in the habit of using the age-old expression: 'It is as impossible as flying.' The discoveries in physical science, the triumphs in invention, attest the value of the process of trial and error. In large measure, these advances have been due to experimentation.
** Dissent, ''[[w:New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann|New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann]]'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* '''If we would guide by the light of [[reason]], we must let our minds be bold.'''
** Dissent, ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* ''Stare decisis'' is usually the wise policy, because in most matters it is more important that the applicable rule of law be settled than that it be settled right... This is commonly true even where the error is a matter of serious concern, provided correction can be had by legislation.  But in cases involving the Federal Constitution, where correction through legislative action is practically impossible, this court has often overruled its earlier decisions. '''The court bows to the lessons of experience and the force of better reasoning, recognizing that the process of trial and error, so fruitful in the physical sciences, is appropriate also in the judicial function.'''
** Dissent, ''Burnet v. Coronado Oil &amp; Gas Co.'', 285 U.S. 393 (1932).

* The prevalence of the corporation in America has led men of this generation to act, at times, as if the privilege of doing business in corporate form were inherent in the citizen; and has led them to accept the evils attendant upon the free and unrestricted use of the corporate mechanism as if these evils were the inescapable price of civilized life, and, hence to be borne with resignation.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933).

* Through size, corporations, once merely an efficient tool employed by individuals in the conduct of private business have become an institution-an institution which has brought such concentration of economic power that so-called private corporations are sometimes able to dominate the state. The typical business corporation of the last century, owned by a small group of individuals, managed by their owners, and limited in size by their private wealth, is being supplanted by huge concerns in which the lives of tens or hundreds of thousands of employees and the property of tens of hundreds of thousands of investors are subjected, through the corporate mechanism, to the control of a few men. '''Ownership has been separated from control; and this separation has removed many of the checks which formerly operated to curb the misuse of wealth and power.''' And, as ownership of the shares is becoming continually more dispersed, the power which formerly accompanied ownership is becoming increasingly concentrated in the hands of a few... [and] coincident with the growth of these giant corporations, there has occurred a marked concentration of individual wealth; and that the resulting disparity in incomes is a major cause of the existing depression.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 565-67.

* [O]nly through participation by the many in the responsibilities and determinations of business can Americans secure the moral and intellectual development which is essential to the maintenance of liberty.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 580.

* '''[[Founding Fathers of the United States|Those who won our independence]]''' believed that '''the final end of the state was to make men free to develop their faculties, and that in its government the deliberative forces should prevail over the arbitrary.''' They '''valued liberty both as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty.''' They believed that '''freedom to think as you will and to speak as you think are means indispensable to the discovery and spread of political truth'''; that '''without free speech and assembly discussion would be futile'''; that '''with them, discussion affords ordinarily adequate protection against the dissemination of noxious doctrine'''; that '''the greatest menace to freedom is an inert people'''; that '''public discussion is a political duty'''; and that this should be a fundamental principle of the American government. They recognized the risks to which all human institutions are subject. But they knew that '''order cannot be secured merely through fear of punishment for its infraction'''; that '''it is hazardous to discourage thought, hope and imagination'''; that '''fear breeds repression'''; that '''repression breeds hate'''; that '''hate menaces stable government'''; that '''the path of safety lies in the opportunity to discuss freely supposed grievances and proposed remedies''', and that '''the fitting remedy for evil counsels is good ones'''. '''Believing in the power of reason as applied through public discussion, they eschewed silence coerced by law -- the argument of force in its worst form. Recognizing the occasional tyrannies of governing majorities, they amended the Constitution so that free speech and assembly should be guaranteed.'''
** Concurring, ''[[w:Whitney v. California|Whitney v. California]]'', 274 U.S. 357, 375 (1927), at 375-376. In this case, in which the Court upheld a California anti-Communist statute, Brandeis, writing in a concurrence joined by Justice [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], concurred in the judgment but not in the reasoning. ''Whitney'' was later overruled (with the later Court adopting Brandeis's reasoning) in ''[[w:Brandenburg v. Ohio|Brandenburg v. Ohio]]'', 395 U.S.  444 (1969).

* '''Fear of serious injury cannot alone justify suppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared [[witches]] and burnt [[women]]. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357, 376 (1927).

* '''Those who won our independence by revolution were not cowards. They did not fear political change. They did not exalt order at the cost of liberty. To courageous, self-reliant men, with confidence in the power of free and fearless reasoning applied through the processes of popular government, no danger flowing from speech can be deemed clear and present, unless the incidence of the evil apprehended is so imminent that it may befall before there is opportunity for full discussion. If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and [[fallacies]], to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357 (1927).

* The progress of science in furnishing the government with means of espionage is not likely to stop with wire tapping. Ways may some day be developed by which the government, without removing papers from secret drawers, can reproduce them in court, and by which it will be enabled to expose to a jury the most intimate occurrences of the home. Advances in the psychic and related sciences may bring means of exploring unexpressed beliefs, thoughts and emotions. 'That places the liberty of every man in the hands of every petty officer' was said by James Otis of much lesser intrusions than these. 1 To Lord Camden a far slighter intrusion seemed 'subversive of all the comforts of society.' Can it be that the Constitution affords no protection against such invasions of individual security? 
** Dissenting, ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* '''The makers of our Constitution undertook to secure conditions favorable to the pursuit of happiness. They recognized the significance of man's spiritual nature, of his feelings and of his intellect. They knew that only a part of the pain, pleasure and satisfactions of life are to be found in material things. They sought to protect Americans in their beliefs, their thoughts, their emotions and their sensations. They conferred, as against the government, the right to be let alone -- the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued by civilized men.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* The defendants' objections to the evidence obtained by wire-tapping must, in my opinion, be sustained. It is, of course, immaterial where the physical connection with the telephone wires leading into the defendants' premises was made. And it is also immaterial that the intrusion was in aid of law enforcement. '''Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438, 479 (1928). The last sentence is one of many quotations inscribed on Cox Corridor II, a first floor House corridor, U.S. Capitol.

* '''Decency, security, and liberty alike demand that government officials shall be subjected to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. In a government of laws, existence of the government will be imperiled if it fails to observe the law scrupulously. Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. To declare that in the administration of the criminal law the end justifies the means -- to declare that the government may commit crimes in order to secure the conviction of a private criminal -- would bring terrible retribution. Against that pernicious doctrine this court should resolutely set its face.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

==Attributed==
* Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
** Reported in Irving Dilliard, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 112.
* Go down to City Hall and see what is on the agenda for the next council meeting—garbage collection, water supply, it does not matter which one—then go and learn everything you can about it. Read past reports, talk to people, learn the topic until you know it as well as anyone. Then when you get up to speak, or to make a suggestion for change, your voice will be heard because you are knowledgeable. That is how reform works.
** According to daughter Elizabeth Brandeis Raushenbush, as told to biographer Melvin I. Urofsky, ''Louis D. Brandeis: A Life'' (2009), p. 130.

== Quotes of others about Brandeis ==
* True human progress is based less on the inventive mind than on the conscience of men such as Brandeis.
** [[Albert Einstein]], statement sent to the Boston journal ''The Jewish Advocate'' on [[1931-10-19]] on the occasion of Justice Brandeis' seventy-fifth birthday, quoted in Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffman, eds., ''Albert Einstein: The Human Side'' (Princeton University Press, 1981), {{ISBN|0-691-02368-9}}, p. 85.

* With deepest veneration and fellow feeling, I clasp your hand on the occasion of your eightieth birthday.  I know of no other person who combines such profound intellectual gifts with such self-renunciation while finding the whole meaning of his life in quiet service to the community.  We -- all of us -- thank you not only for what you have accomplished and brought about, but also because we feel happy that such a man should exist at all in this time of ours, which is so lacking in genuine personalities. &lt;br&gt; With reverent greetings....
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to Justice Brandeis on [[1936-11-10]], ''ibid.''
** Dukas and Hoffman comment: &quot;the handwritten original is among the Brandeis papers at the Law School of the University of Louisville.&quot;

* In a time of moral and intellectual anarchy, he handed on the great tradition of faith in the mind and spirit of man.
** [[Dean Acheson]], former clerk to Justice Brandeis, after Brandeis’s death in 1941.

* To Brandeis, as to Jefferson, the key to a successful democracy lies in the spirit, the vitality, the daring, the inventiveness of its citizens.
**  Vincent Blasi, ''The First Amendment And The Ideal of Civic Courage: The Brandeis Opinion in'' Whitney v. California, 29 Wm. &amp; Mary L. Rev. 653, 686 (1988).

* Every case that fell to him for opinion gave fresh occasion for the application of his principle that knowledge must precede understanding, and understanding should precede judging.
** Paul A. Freund, ''Proceedings in Memory of Mr. Justice Brandeis'', 317 U.S. ix, xix–xx (1942).
*I spoke with him [Brandeis] at length, in German. I saw he's a very great man who can't bear injustice being done to anyone, anywhere...His soul is hewn of the purest marble.
**[[Abraham Isaac Kook]], ''Rav Kook: Mystic in a Time of Revolution'', Yehuda Mirsky (2014). 

* [Brandeis] did not believe with the evangelist that . . . truth could be found by abiding in the Word or in becoming the disciple of any leader. Neither did he think it came from intuition or from speculation in metaphysics. He thought it could and would come only from the relentless, disinterested and critical study of facts.
** Henry J. Friendly, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis: The Quest for Reason'', 108 U. Pa. L. Rev. 985, 999 (1960).

* There is nothing cold or detached or aloof about the private Brandeis, but it is perfectly in keeping with his views of privacy that while he was alive he kept . . . his life and personality hidden from public view.
** Introduction to ''The Family Letters of Louis D. Brandeis'' at xxi (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., University of Oklahoma Press 2002).

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=297&amp;invol=288 ''Ashwander v. Tennessee Valley Authority'' (1936) (concurring)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=304&amp;invol=64 ''Erie Railroad Co. v. Tompkins'' (1938) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Gilbert_v_MN ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'' (1920) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=285&amp;invol=262 ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'' (1932) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=case&amp;court=us&amp;vol=277&amp;invol=438 ''Olmstead v. United States'' (1928) (dissenting)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Ruthenberg_v_Michigan ''Ruthenberg v. Michigan'' (1927) (unpublished dissent)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=249&amp;invol=182 ''Sugarman v. United States'' (1919) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Milwaukee_Democratic_Publishing_v_Burleson ''United States ex rel Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'' (1921) (dissenting)]  
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Whitney_v_CA ''Whitney v. California'' (1927) (concurring)]
* [http://louisville.edu/law/library/special-collections/the-louis-d.-brandeis-collection/the-collected-supreme-court-opinions-of-louis-d.-brandeis The Collected Supreme Court Opinions of Louis D. Brandeis]
* Harvard University Library Open Collections Program. Women Working, 1870-1930, [http://ocp.hul.harvard.edu/ww/people_brandeis.html Louis Brandeis (1846-1941).] A full-text searchable online database with complete access to publications written by Louis Brandeis.

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      <text bytes="25024" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brandeisl.jpg|thumb|If we would guide by the light of reason, we must let our minds be bold.]]
[[File:Justice L.D. Brandeis of Supreme Court LCCN2016849493.jpg|thumb|[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.]]
[[File:Louis Brandeis, circa 1900.jpg|thumb|We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.]]
'''[[w:Louis Brandeis|Louis Dembitz Brandeis]]''' (November 13, 1856 – October 5, 1941) was an American litigator, [[w:Supreme Court Justice|Supreme Court Justice]], advocate of privacy, and developer of the [[w:Brandeis Brief|Brandeis Brief]].

==Extra-judicial writings==
* The intensity and complexity of life, attendant upon advancing civilization, have rendered necessary some retreat from the world.
** &quot;The Right to Privacy,&quot; 4 Harvard L. Rev. 193, 196 (1890).

* The bow must be strung and unstrung . . . there must be time also for the unconscious thinking which comes to the busy man in his play.
** Letter to William Harrison Dunbar (February 2, 1893), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' (1870–1907): Urban Reformer 109 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* When a man feels that he cannot leave his work, it is a sure sign of an impending collapse.
** Letter to Alfred Brandeis (March 8, 1897), ''reprinted in'' ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume I'' 127 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., State University of New York Press 1971).

* What I have desired to do is to make the people of Boston realize that the most important office, and the one which all of us can and should fill, is that of private citizen. The duties of the office of private citizen cannot under a republican form of government be neglected without serious injury to the public.
** Statement to a reporter in the ''Boston Record'', 14 April 1903. (quoted in Alpheus Thomas Mason, ''Brandeis: A Free Man's Life'' (1946), p. 122.)&lt;!-- An original clipping of this article can be found in the Louis Brandeis Archives at the University of Louisville Brandeis School of Law. This documentation was provided courtesy of Scott Campbell, the librarian in charge of the Brandeis collection at the law school. —[[User:Jeremylerner|Jeremylerner]] 21:12, 27 April 2012 (UTC) --&gt;
** Commonly paraphrased as &quot;The most important office is that of the private citizen&quot; or &quot;The most important political office is that of the private citizen&quot;, and sometimes misattributed to his dissenting opinion in ''Olmstead v. United States''.

* It is, as a rule, far more important how men pursue their occupation than what the occupation is which they select.
** ''The Opportunity in the Law'', 39 American Law Review 555, 555 (1905).

* [N]o people ever did or ever can attain a worthy civilization by the satisfaction merely of material needs . . .
** &quot;Hours of Labor&quot; (1906), ''reprinted in'' ''Brandeis on Democracy'' 91 (Philippa Strum, ed., 1995).

* There must be opportunities for judgment to mature. When, therefore, you increase your business to a very great extent, and the multitude of problems increase with its growth, you will find, in the first place, that the man at the head has a diminishing knowledge of the facts and, in the second place, a diminishing opportunity of exercising a careful judgment upon them.
** Testimony before the United States Senate, Committee On Interstate Commerce (December 14, 1911).

* If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable.
** in the ''Cleveland Plain Dealer'' (15 October 1912), as cited in ''A Treasury of Jewish Quotations'', ed. Joseph L. Baron, Rowman &amp; Littlefield (1996), p. 269 : &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|1568219482}}&lt;/small&gt;

*In the field of modern business, so rich in opportunity for the exercise of man's finest and most varied mental faculties and moral qualities, mere money-making cannot be regarded as the legitimate end. Neither can mere growth of bulk or power be admitted as a worthy ambition. Nor can a man nobly mindful of his serious responsibilities to society view business as a game; since with the conduct of business human happiness or misery is inextricably interwoven.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

*Real success in business is to be found in achievements comparable rather with those of the artist or the scientist, of the inventor or statesman. And the joys sought in the profession of business must be like their joys and not the mere vulgar satisfaction which is experienced in the acquisition of money, in the exercise of power or in the frivolous pleasure of mere winning.
** &quot;Business — The New Profession&quot;, ''La Follette's Weekly Magazine, Volume 4, No. 47'' (November 23, 1912), p. 7.

* Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. '''Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.'''
** ''Other People's Money—and How Bankers Use It'' (1914).

* A man is a better citizen of the United States for being also a loyal citizen of his state, and of his city; for being loyal to his family, and to his profession or trade; for being loyal to his college or his lodge. . . . For only through the ennobling effect of its strivings can we develop the best that is in us and give to this country the full benefit of our great inheritance.
** ''The Jewish Problem And How to Solve It'' (1915).

* What are the American ideals? They are the development of the individual for his own and the common good; the development of the individual through liberty, and the attainment of the common good through democracy and social justice.
** “True Americanism” (1915).

*'''[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.'''
** ''The Living Law'', 10 Illinois Law Review 461, 467 (1915-16).

* Constitutional rights should not be frittered away by arguments so technical and unsubstantial.
** ''Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'', 255 U.S. 407, 431 (1921).

* There is in most Americans some spark of idealism, which can be fanned into a flame. It takes sometimes a divining rod to find what it is; but when found, and that means often, when disclosed to the owners, the results are often extraordinary.
** ''The Words of Justice Brandeis'' (1953).

* [T]hat which is man-made can be unmade.
** Letter to Frank Albert Fetter (November 26, 1940), ''reprinted in''  ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis Volume V'' 648 (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds.,State University of New York Press 1978).

* '''We must make our choice. We may have democracy, or we may have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both.'''
** As quoted by Raymond Lonergan in ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 42.

* Strong, responsible unions are essential to industrial fair play. Without them the labor bargain is wholly one-sided. The parties to the labor contract must be nearly equal in strength if justice is to be worked out, and this means that the workers must be organized and that their organizations must be recognized by employers as a condition precedent to industrial peace.
** Reported in Osmond Kessler Fraenkel, Clarence Martin Lewis, ''The Curse of Bigness: Miscellaneous Papers of Louis D. Brandeis'' (1965), p. 43.

==Judicial opinions==
* The general [[rule]] of [[law]] is, that '''the noblest of human productions — [[knowledge]], [[truths]] ascertained, conceptions and [[ideas]] — become, after voluntary communication to others, free as the air to common use.'''
** Dissent, ''[[w:International News Service v. Associated Press|International News Service v. Associated Press]]'' (1918).

* Full and free exercise of this right by the citizen is ordinarily also his duty; for its exercise is more important to the nation than it is to himself. Like the course of the heavenly bodies, harmony in national life is a resultant of the struggle between contending forces. In frank expression of conflicting opinion lies the greatest promise of wisdom in governmental action; and in suppression lies ordinarily the greatest peril.
** Dissent, ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'', 254 U.S. 325, 338 (1920).

* At the foundation of our civil liberty lies the principle which denies to government officials an exceptional position before the law and which subjects them to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. 
** Dissent, ''Burdeau v. McDowell'', 256 U.S. 465, 477 (1921).

* There are many men now living who were in the habit of using the age-old expression: 'It is as impossible as flying.' The discoveries in physical science, the triumphs in invention, attest the value of the process of trial and error. In large measure, these advances have been due to experimentation.
** Dissent, ''[[w:New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann|New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann]]'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* '''If we would guide by the light of [[reason]], we must let our minds be bold.'''
** Dissent, ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'', 285 U.S. 262 (1932).

* ''Stare decisis'' is usually the wise policy, because in most matters it is more important that the applicable rule of law be settled than that it be settled right... This is commonly true even where the error is a matter of serious concern, provided correction can be had by legislation.  But in cases involving the Federal Constitution, where correction through legislative action is practically impossible, this court has often overruled its earlier decisions. '''The court bows to the lessons of experience and the force of better reasoning, recognizing that the process of trial and error, so fruitful in the physical sciences, is appropriate also in the judicial function.'''
** Dissent, ''Burnet v. Coronado Oil &amp; Gas Co.'', 285 U.S. 393 (1932).

* The prevalence of the corporation in America has led men of this generation to act, at times, as if the privilege of doing business in corporate form were inherent in the citizen; and has led them to accept the evils attendant upon the free and unrestricted use of the corporate mechanism as if these evils were the inescapable price of civilized life, and, hence to be borne with resignation.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933).

* Through size, corporations, once merely an efficient tool employed by individuals in the conduct of private business have become an institution-an institution which has brought such concentration of economic power that so-called private corporations are sometimes able to dominate the state. The typical business corporation of the last century, owned by a small group of individuals, managed by their owners, and limited in size by their private wealth, is being supplanted by huge concerns in which the lives of tens or hundreds of thousands of employees and the property of tens of hundreds of thousands of investors are subjected, through the corporate mechanism, to the control of a few men. '''Ownership has been separated from control; and this separation has removed many of the checks which formerly operated to curb the misuse of wealth and power.''' And, as ownership of the shares is becoming continually more dispersed, the power which formerly accompanied ownership is becoming increasingly concentrated in the hands of a few... [and] coincident with the growth of these giant corporations, there has occurred a marked concentration of individual wealth; and that the resulting disparity in incomes is a major cause of the existing depression.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 565-67.

* [O]nly through participation by the many in the responsibilities and determinations of business can Americans secure the moral and intellectual development which is essential to the maintenance of liberty.
** Dissent, ''Liggett Co. v. Lee'', 288 U.S. 517 (1933), at 580.

* '''[[Founding Fathers of the United States|Those who won our independence]]''' believed that '''the final end of the state was to make men free to develop their faculties, and that in its government the deliberative forces should prevail over the arbitrary.''' They '''valued liberty both as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty.''' They believed that '''freedom to think as you will and to speak as you think are means indispensable to the discovery and spread of political truth'''; that '''without free speech and assembly discussion would be futile'''; that '''with them, discussion affords ordinarily adequate protection against the dissemination of noxious doctrine'''; that '''the greatest menace to freedom is an inert people'''; that '''public discussion is a political duty'''; and that this should be a fundamental principle of the American government. They recognized the risks to which all human institutions are subject. But they knew that '''order cannot be secured merely through fear of punishment for its infraction'''; that '''it is hazardous to discourage thought, hope and imagination'''; that '''fear breeds repression'''; that '''repression breeds hate'''; that '''hate menaces stable government'''; that '''the path of safety lies in the opportunity to discuss freely supposed grievances and proposed remedies''', and that '''the fitting remedy for evil counsels is good ones'''. '''Believing in the power of reason as applied through public discussion, they eschewed silence coerced by law -- the argument of force in its worst form. Recognizing the occasional tyrannies of governing majorities, they amended the Constitution so that free speech and assembly should be guaranteed.'''
** Concurring, ''[[w:Whitney v. California|Whitney v. California]]'', 274 U.S. 357, 375 (1927), at 375-376. In this case, in which the Court upheld a California anti-Communist statute, Brandeis, writing in a concurrence joined by Justice [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], concurred in the judgment but not in the reasoning. ''Whitney'' was later overruled (with the later Court adopting Brandeis's reasoning) in ''[[w:Brandenburg v. Ohio|Brandenburg v. Ohio]]'', 395 U.S.  444 (1969).

* '''Fear of serious injury cannot alone justify suppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared [[witches]] and burnt [[women]]. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357, 376 (1927).

* '''Those who won our independence by revolution were not cowards. They did not fear political change. They did not exalt order at the cost of liberty. To courageous, self-reliant men, with confidence in the power of free and fearless reasoning applied through the processes of popular government, no danger flowing from speech can be deemed clear and present, unless the incidence of the evil apprehended is so imminent that it may befall before there is opportunity for full discussion. If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and [[fallacies]], to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence.'''
** Concurring, ''Whitney v. California'', 274 U.S. 357 (1927).

* The progress of science in furnishing the government with means of espionage is not likely to stop with wire tapping. Ways may some day be developed by which the government, without removing papers from secret drawers, can reproduce them in court, and by which it will be enabled to expose to a jury the most intimate occurrences of the home. Advances in the psychic and related sciences may bring means of exploring unexpressed beliefs, thoughts and emotions. 'That places the liberty of every man in the hands of every petty officer' was said by James Otis of much lesser intrusions than these. 1 To Lord Camden a far slighter intrusion seemed 'subversive of all the comforts of society.' Can it be that the Constitution affords no protection against such invasions of individual security? 
** Dissenting, ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* '''The makers of our Constitution undertook to secure conditions favorable to the pursuit of happiness. They recognized the significance of man's spiritual nature, of his feelings and of his intellect. They knew that only a part of the pain, pleasure and satisfactions of life are to be found in material things. They sought to protect Americans in their beliefs, their thoughts, their emotions and their sensations. They conferred, as against the government, the right to be let alone -- the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued by civilized men.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

* The defendants' objections to the evidence obtained by wire-tapping must, in my opinion, be sustained. It is, of course, immaterial where the physical connection with the telephone wires leading into the defendants' premises was made. And it is also immaterial that the intrusion was in aid of law enforcement. '''Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438, 479 (1928). The last sentence is one of many quotations inscribed on Cox Corridor II, a first floor House corridor, U.S. Capitol.

* '''Decency, security, and liberty alike demand that government officials shall be subjected to the same rules of conduct that are commands to the citizen. In a government of laws, existence of the government will be imperiled if it fails to observe the law scrupulously. Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. To declare that in the administration of the criminal law the end justifies the means -- to declare that the government may commit crimes in order to secure the conviction of a private criminal -- would bring terrible retribution. Against that pernicious doctrine this court should resolutely set its face.'''
** Dissenting, ''Olmstead v. United States'', 277 U.S. 438 (1928).

==Attributed==
* Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
** Reported in Irving Dilliard, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis, Great American'' (1941), p. 112.
* Go down to City Hall and see what is on the agenda for the next council meeting—garbage collection, water supply, it does not matter which one—then go and learn everything you can about it. Read past reports, talk to people, learn the topic until you know it as well as anyone. Then when you get up to speak, or to make a suggestion for change, your voice will be heard because you are knowledgeable. That is how reform works.
** According to daughter Elizabeth Brandeis Raushenbush, as told to biographer Melvin I. Urofsky, ''Louis D. Brandeis: A Life'' (2009), p. 130.

== Quotes of others about Brandeis ==
* True human progress is based less on the inventive mind than on the conscience of men such as Brandeis.
** [[Albert Einstein]], statement sent to the Boston journal ''The Jewish Advocate'' on [[1931-10-19]] on the occasion of Justice Brandeis' seventy-fifth birthday, quoted in Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffman, eds., ''Albert Einstein: The Human Side'' (Princeton University Press, 1981), {{ISBN|0-691-02368-9}}, p. 85.

* With deepest veneration and fellow feeling, I clasp your hand on the occasion of your eightieth birthday.  I know of no other person who combines such profound intellectual gifts with such self-renunciation while finding the whole meaning of his life in quiet service to the community.  We -- all of us -- thank you not only for what you have accomplished and brought about, but also because we feel happy that such a man should exist at all in this time of ours, which is so lacking in genuine personalities. &lt;br&gt; With reverent greetings....
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to Justice Brandeis on [[1936-11-10]], ''ibid.''
** Dukas and Hoffman comment: &quot;the handwritten original is among the Brandeis papers at the Law School of the University of Louisville.&quot;

* In a time of moral and intellectual anarchy, he handed on the great tradition of faith in the mind and spirit of man.
** [[Dean Acheson]], former clerk to Justice Brandeis, after Brandeis’s death in 1941.

* To Brandeis, as to Jefferson, the key to a successful democracy lies in the spirit, the vitality, the daring, the inventiveness of its citizens.
**  Vincent Blasi, ''The First Amendment And The Ideal of Civic Courage: The Brandeis Opinion in'' Whitney v. California, 29 Wm. &amp; Mary L. Rev. 653, 686 (1988).

* Every case that fell to him for opinion gave fresh occasion for the application of his principle that knowledge must precede understanding, and understanding should precede judging.
** Paul A. Freund, ''Proceedings in Memory of Mr. Justice Brandeis'', 317 U.S. ix, xix–xx (1942).
*I spoke with him [Brandeis] at length, in German. I saw he's a very great man who can't bear injustice being done to anyone, anywhere...His soul is hewn of the purest marble.
**[[Abraham Isaac Kook]], ''Rav Kook: Mystic in a Time of Revolution'', Yehuda Mirsky (2014). 

* [Brandeis] did not believe with the evangelist that . . . truth could be found by abiding in the Word or in becoming the disciple of any leader. Neither did he think it came from intuition or from speculation in metaphysics. He thought it could and would come only from the relentless, disinterested and critical study of facts.
** Henry J. Friendly, ''Mr. Justice Brandeis: The Quest for Reason'', 108 U. Pa. L. Rev. 985, 999 (1960).

* There is nothing cold or detached or aloof about the private Brandeis, but it is perfectly in keeping with his views of privacy that while he was alive he kept . . . his life and personality hidden from public view.
** Introduction to ''The Family Letters of Louis D. Brandeis'' at xxi (Melvin I. Urovsky &amp; David W. Levy, eds., University of Oklahoma Press 2002).

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=297&amp;invol=288 ''Ashwander v. Tennessee Valley Authority'' (1936) (concurring)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=304&amp;invol=64 ''Erie Railroad Co. v. Tompkins'' (1938) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Gilbert_v_MN ''Gilbert v. Minnesota'' (1920) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=285&amp;invol=262 ''New State Ice Co. v. Liebmann'' (1932) (dissenting)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=case&amp;court=us&amp;vol=277&amp;invol=438 ''Olmstead v. United States'' (1928) (dissenting)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Ruthenberg_v_Michigan ''Ruthenberg v. Michigan'' (1927) (unpublished dissent)]
* [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&amp;vol=249&amp;invol=182 ''Sugarman v. United States'' (1919) (majority)]
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Milwaukee_Democratic_Publishing_v_Burleson ''United States ex rel Milwaukee Social Democratic Publishing Co. v. Burleson'' (1921) (dissenting)]  
* [http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/faclibrary/case.aspx?case=Whitney_v_CA ''Whitney v. California'' (1927) (concurring)]
* [http://louisville.edu/law/library/special-collections/the-louis-d.-brandeis-collection/the-collected-supreme-court-opinions-of-louis-d.-brandeis The Collected Supreme Court Opinions of Louis D. Brandeis]
* Harvard University Library Open Collections Program. Women Working, 1870-1930, [http://ocp.hul.harvard.edu/ww/people_brandeis.html Louis Brandeis (1846-1941).] A full-text searchable online database with complete access to publications written by Louis Brandeis.

{{DEFAULTSORT:Brandeis, Louis}}
[[Category:People from Louisville]]
[[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]]
[[Category:1856 births]]
[[Category:1941 deaths]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
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'''[[w:Peter Tatchell|Peter Gary Tatchell]]''' (born January 25, 1952) is a human rights activist.

{{Activist-stub}}
== Quotes ==

* Be sceptical, question authority, be a rebel. Do not conform and don’t be ordinary. Remember, all human progress is the result of far-sighted people challenging orthodoxy, tradition and rich, powerful, vested interests. Be daring, show imagination, take risks. Fight against the greatest human rights violation of all: free market capitalism, which has created a world divided into rich and poor, where hundreds of millions of people are malnourished, homeless, without clean drinking water and dying from hunger and preventable diseases. Don’t accept the world as it is. Dream about what the world could be – then help make it happen.
** Honorary doctorate acceptance speech (26 July 2010). [http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/07/26/be-sceptical-and-daring-peter-tatchells-honorary-doctorate-acceptance-speech/]

* Debates and parliamentary divisions are fruitless cosmetic exercises given the Tories' present Commons majority. And if we recognise this, we are either forced to accept Tory edicts as a fait accompli or we must look to new more militant forms of extra-Parliamentary opposition which involve mass popular participation and challenge the Government's right to rule.
** Article in ''London Labour Briefing'' (November 1981). When quoted in the House of Commons, Labour Party leader [[Michael Foot]] denounced him as the Labour candidate for Bermondsey. Source: Tatchell, The Battle for Bermondsey (Heretic Books, 1983) page 53.

* The Bible is to gays what Mein Kampf is to Jews.
** [http://www.petertatchell.net/religion/2000.htm Lecture], St. Botolph's, Aldgate, London (21 March 2000).

* It is quite evident that the Soviet system today represents the exact opposite of almost everything that the left in the West is striving for - obsessive state secrecy rather than freedom of information, centralised bureaucratic control instead of devolved decision making and public accountability, total state power over the individual as opposed to inalienable civil liberties, authoritarian economic management rather than trade union freedom and industrial democracy, and a government-manipulated media instead of greater diversity and choice in news and information sources.
** ''Democratic Defence''. London: GMP Publishers. p. 36. {{ISBN|0-946097-16-X}}.

* As a condition of equal treatment, we homosexuals are expected to conform to [[w:heteronormativity|the straight system]], adopting its norms and aspirations. The end result is gay co-option and invisibilisation. We get equality, but the price we pay is the surrender of our unique, distinctive queer identity, lifestyle and values (the important insights and ethics that we have forged in response to exclusion and discrimination by a hostile straight world). [...] Meanwhile, all the sex-repressive social structures, institutions and moralities remain intact, and the &quot;bad gays&quot; remain sexual outlaws. 
:This nouveau gay reformism involves the abandonment of any critical perspective on straight culture. In place of a healthy scepticism towards the heterosexual consensus, it substitutes naïve acquiescence. Discernment is abandoned in favour of compliance. We trade our souls for the 'gift' of equal rights.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/lgbt_rights/equality_not_enough/equality_is_not_enough.htm Equality is not Enough], Official Website

*In contrast to earlier gay law reform and equality-oriented movements, the 1970s [[w:queer liberation|LGBT liberation movement]] did not seek to [[w:heterocentricism|ape heterosexual values]] or secure the acceptance of [[w:LGBT|sexual orientation and gender identity minorities]] within the existing sexual conventions. Indeed, it repudiated the prevailing sexual morality and institutions - rejecting not only [[w:heterosexism|heterosexism]] (heterosexual supremacism) but also male [[w:machimso|machismo]], with its oppressive predisposition to rivalry, toughness and aggression; the extreme expressions of which are the rapist, queer-basher, racist murderer and war criminal. 
:The &quot;radical drag&quot; and &quot;gender-bender&quot; politics of the [[w:Gay Liberation Front|Gay Liberation Front (GLF)]] in the early 1970s glorified and promoted male gentleness. A conscious, if sometimes exaggerated, attempt to renounce the oppressiveness of masculinity and [[w:male privilege|male privilege]], it rejected straight macho values; identifying them with the subordination of women and LGBT people. The GLF was truly revolutionary because it attempted to subvert male-female gender roles and straight patriarchy. It denounced the ethos of masculine competitiveness, domination and violence; instead affirming the worthwhileness of male sensitivity and affection between men and, in the case of lesbians, the intrinsic value of an eroticism and love independent of maleness.
:These ideas led me to propose that without the construction of a cult of machismo and a mass of aggressive male egos, neither sexual, gender, class, racial, speciesist nor imperialist oppression are possible.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/masculinity/machismo-underpins-war-and-tyranny.htm Machismo Underpins War and Tyranny], Official Website

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tatchell, Peter}}
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:LGBT people]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Atheists]]
[[Category:Green Party of England and Wales politicians]]
[[Category:People from Melbourne]]</text>
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'''[[w:Peter Tatchell|Peter Gary Tatchell]]''' (born January 25, 1952) is a human rights activist.

{{Activist-stub}}
== Quotes ==

* Be sceptical, question authority, be a rebel. Do not conform and don’t be ordinary. Remember, all human progress is the result of far-sighted people challenging orthodoxy, tradition and rich, powerful, vested interests. Be daring, show imagination, take risks. Fight against the greatest human rights violation of all: free market capitalism, which has created a world divided into rich and poor, where hundreds of millions of people are malnourished, homeless, without clean drinking water and dying from hunger and preventable diseases. Don’t accept the world as it is. Dream about what the world could be – then help make it happen.
** Honorary doctorate acceptance speech (26 July 2010). [http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/07/26/be-sceptical-and-daring-peter-tatchells-honorary-doctorate-acceptance-speech/]

* Debates and parliamentary divisions are fruitless cosmetic exercises given the Tories' present Commons majority. And if we recognise this, we are either forced to accept Tory edicts as a fait accompli or we must look to new more militant forms of extra-Parliamentary opposition which involve mass popular participation and challenge the Government's right to rule.
** Article in ''London Labour Briefing'' (November 1981). When quoted in the House of Commons, Labour Party leader [[Michael Foot]] denounced him as the Labour candidate for Bermondsey. Source: Tatchell ''The Battle for Bermondsey'' (Heretic Books, 1983) p. 53

* The Bible is to gays what Mein Kampf is to Jews.
** [http://www.petertatchell.net/religion/2000.htm Lecture], St. Botolph's, Aldgate, London (21 March 2000).

* It is quite evident that the Soviet system today represents the exact opposite of almost everything that the left in the West is striving for - obsessive state secrecy rather than freedom of information, centralised bureaucratic control instead of devolved decision making and public accountability, total state power over the individual as opposed to inalienable civil liberties, authoritarian economic management rather than trade union freedom and industrial democracy, and a government-manipulated media instead of greater diversity and choice in news and information sources.
** ''Democratic Defence''. London: GMP Publishers. p. 36. {{ISBN|0-946097-16-X}}.

* As a condition of equal treatment, we homosexuals are expected to conform to [[w:heteronormativity|the straight system]], adopting its norms and aspirations. The end result is gay co-option and invisibilisation. We get equality, but the price we pay is the surrender of our unique, distinctive queer identity, lifestyle and values (the important insights and ethics that we have forged in response to exclusion and discrimination by a hostile straight world). [...] Meanwhile, all the sex-repressive social structures, institutions and moralities remain intact, and the &quot;bad gays&quot; remain sexual outlaws. 
:This nouveau gay reformism involves the abandonment of any critical perspective on straight culture. In place of a healthy scepticism towards the heterosexual consensus, it substitutes naïve acquiescence. Discernment is abandoned in favour of compliance. We trade our souls for the 'gift' of equal rights.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/lgbt_rights/equality_not_enough/equality_is_not_enough.htm Equality is not Enough], Official Website

*In contrast to earlier gay law reform and equality-oriented movements, the 1970s [[w:queer liberation|LGBT liberation movement]] did not seek to [[w:heterocentricism|ape heterosexual values]] or secure the acceptance of [[w:LGBT|sexual orientation and gender identity minorities]] within the existing sexual conventions. Indeed, it repudiated the prevailing sexual morality and institutions - rejecting not only [[w:heterosexism|heterosexism]] (heterosexual supremacism) but also male [[w:machimso|machismo]], with its oppressive predisposition to rivalry, toughness and aggression; the extreme expressions of which are the rapist, queer-basher, racist murderer and war criminal. 
:The &quot;radical drag&quot; and &quot;gender-bender&quot; politics of the [[w:Gay Liberation Front|Gay Liberation Front (GLF)]] in the early 1970s glorified and promoted male gentleness. A conscious, if sometimes exaggerated, attempt to renounce the oppressiveness of masculinity and [[w:male privilege|male privilege]], it rejected straight macho values; identifying them with the subordination of women and LGBT people. The GLF was truly revolutionary because it attempted to subvert male-female gender roles and straight patriarchy. It denounced the ethos of masculine competitiveness, domination and violence; instead affirming the worthwhileness of male sensitivity and affection between men and, in the case of lesbians, the intrinsic value of an eroticism and love independent of maleness.
:These ideas led me to propose that without the construction of a cult of machismo and a mass of aggressive male egos, neither sexual, gender, class, racial, speciesist nor imperialist oppression are possible.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/masculinity/machismo-underpins-war-and-tyranny.htm Machismo Underpins War and Tyranny], Official Website

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tatchell, Peter}}
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:LGBT people]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Atheists]]
[[Category:Green Party of England and Wales politicians]]
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'''[[w:Peter Tatchell|Peter Gary Tatchell]]''' (born 25 January 1952) is a human rights activist.

{{Activist-stub}}
== Quotes ==

* Be sceptical, question authority, be a rebel. Do not conform and don’t be ordinary. Remember, all human progress is the result of far-sighted people challenging orthodoxy, tradition and rich, powerful, vested interests. Be daring, show imagination, take risks. Fight against the greatest human rights violation of all: free market capitalism, which has created a world divided into rich and poor, where hundreds of millions of people are malnourished, homeless, without clean drinking water and dying from hunger and preventable diseases. Don’t accept the world as it is. Dream about what the world could be – then help make it happen.
** Honorary doctorate acceptance speech (26 July 2010). [http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/07/26/be-sceptical-and-daring-peter-tatchells-honorary-doctorate-acceptance-speech/]

* Debates and parliamentary divisions are fruitless cosmetic exercises given the Tories' present Commons majority. And if we recognise this, we are either forced to accept Tory edicts as a fait accompli or we must look to new more militant forms of extra-Parliamentary opposition which involve mass popular participation and challenge the Government's right to rule.
** Article in ''London Labour Briefing'' (November 1981). When quoted in the House of Commons, Labour Party leader [[Michael Foot]] denounced him as the Labour candidate for Bermondsey. Source: Tatchell ''The Battle for Bermondsey'' (Heretic Books, 1983) p. 53

* The Bible is to gays what Mein Kampf is to Jews.
** [http://www.petertatchell.net/religion/2000.htm Lecture], St. Botolph's, Aldgate, London (21 March 2000).

* It is quite evident that the Soviet system today represents the exact opposite of almost everything that the left in the West is striving for - obsessive state secrecy rather than freedom of information, centralised bureaucratic control instead of devolved decision making and public accountability, total state power over the individual as opposed to inalienable civil liberties, authoritarian economic management rather than trade union freedom and industrial democracy, and a government-manipulated media instead of greater diversity and choice in news and information sources.
** ''Democratic Defence''. London: GMP Publishers. p. 36. {{ISBN|0-946097-16-X}}.

* As a condition of equal treatment, we homosexuals are expected to conform to [[w:heteronormativity|the straight system]], adopting its norms and aspirations. The end result is gay co-option and invisibilisation. We get equality, but the price we pay is the surrender of our unique, distinctive queer identity, lifestyle and values (the important insights and ethics that we have forged in response to exclusion and discrimination by a hostile straight world). [...] Meanwhile, all the sex-repressive social structures, institutions and moralities remain intact, and the &quot;bad gays&quot; remain sexual outlaws. 
:This nouveau gay reformism involves the abandonment of any critical perspective on straight culture. In place of a healthy scepticism towards the heterosexual consensus, it substitutes naïve acquiescence. Discernment is abandoned in favour of compliance. We trade our souls for the 'gift' of equal rights.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/lgbt_rights/equality_not_enough/equality_is_not_enough.htm Equality is not Enough], Official Website

*In contrast to earlier gay law reform and equality-oriented movements, the 1970s [[w:queer liberation|LGBT liberation movement]] did not seek to [[w:heterocentricism|ape heterosexual values]] or secure the acceptance of [[w:LGBT|sexual orientation and gender identity minorities]] within the existing sexual conventions. Indeed, it repudiated the prevailing sexual morality and institutions - rejecting not only [[w:heterosexism|heterosexism]] (heterosexual supremacism) but also male [[w:machimso|machismo]], with its oppressive predisposition to rivalry, toughness and aggression; the extreme expressions of which are the rapist, queer-basher, racist murderer and war criminal. 
:The &quot;radical drag&quot; and &quot;gender-bender&quot; politics of the [[w:Gay Liberation Front|Gay Liberation Front (GLF)]] in the early 1970s glorified and promoted male gentleness. A conscious, if sometimes exaggerated, attempt to renounce the oppressiveness of masculinity and [[w:male privilege|male privilege]], it rejected straight macho values; identifying them with the subordination of women and LGBT people. The GLF was truly revolutionary because it attempted to subvert male-female gender roles and straight patriarchy. It denounced the ethos of masculine competitiveness, domination and violence; instead affirming the worthwhileness of male sensitivity and affection between men and, in the case of lesbians, the intrinsic value of an eroticism and love independent of maleness.
:These ideas led me to propose that without the construction of a cult of machismo and a mass of aggressive male egos, neither sexual, gender, class, racial, speciesist nor imperialist oppression are possible.
:* [http://www.petertatchell.net/masculinity/machismo-underpins-war-and-tyranny.htm Machismo Underpins War and Tyranny], Official Website

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tatchell, Peter}}
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:LGBT people]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:Atheists]]
[[Category:Green Party of England and Wales politicians]]
[[Category:People from Melbourne]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18159" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path.
:''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].''
{{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo.
:'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us.
:'''Bill''': How's it going?
:'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking.
:'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dorothy is first shown]''
:'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain.
:'''Bill''': I had a hand in it.
:'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it?
:'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. 
:'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what she is going to do.
:'''Melissa''': How?
:'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorothy, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously.
:'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time.
:'''Melissa''': And what will that do?
:'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system.
:'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings?
:'''Bill''': Well the systems'–
:'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes.
:'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it.
:'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it.
:'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado?
:'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up too.
:'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the &quot;suck zone&quot;.
:'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh...
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve?
:'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]''
:'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?!
:''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]''
:'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track.
:'''Jo''': Are you sure?
:'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left.
:'''Melissa''': Is that bad?
:'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–?
:'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go!
:''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]''
:'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on...
:''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]''
:'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done.
:'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? 
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God!
:'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept.
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?!
:'''Bill''': I don't think so!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)''
:'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road.
:'''Jo''': I think you're right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion?
:'''Jo''': ...We saw it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us!
:'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)''
:'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us!
:'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us!
:''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?!
:'''Rabbit''': It should be any second!
:''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)''
:'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon?
:'''Bill''': WHAT?
:'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one.
:'''Bill''': SHIT!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]''
:'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]''
:'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like?
:'''Jo''': ...It was windy.
:'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck?
:'''Bill''': Liability only.
:'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck.
:'''Melissa''': Thank you. 
:''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]''
:'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita.
:'''Jo''': No.
:'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right?
:'''Jo''': No!
:'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance!
:'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt!
:'''Dusty''': F-food!
:'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD!
:'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air.
:'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef?
:'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front?
:'''Rabbit''': No.
:'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah!
:''[laughter from everyone]''
:'''Rabbit''': Oh.
:'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right?
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, god.
:'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.
:'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...
:'''Dusty''': He is naked!
:'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked.
:'''Beltzer''': Naked!
:'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked!
:'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel.
:'''Bill''': Half naked.
:'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.  The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!
:'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.
:'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3?
:'''Bill''': Solid F-2.
:'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again.
:'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats.
:'''Melissa''': Eats?
:'''Bill''': Destroys.
:'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3.
:'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today.
:'''Haynes''': That would be sweet!
:'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.
:'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like?
:'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God.
:'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5?
:'''Bill''': ...Just one of us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]''
:'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris!
:'''Bill''': DEBRIS?
:'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left!
:'''Bill''': Which way now?
:'''Jo''': I have no idea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]''
:'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive?
:'''Bill:''' No!
:'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]''
:'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is.
:'''Bill''': Melissa?!
:''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]''
:'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise.
:'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ.
:'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit!
:'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that?
:'''Rabbit''': Beyond what?
:'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?!
:'''Bill''': THE BRUSH!
:'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH!
:'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?!
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway!
:'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit?
:'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man?
:'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow.
:'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. 
:'''Jo:''' Another cow.
:'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]''
:'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK?
:'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right.
:'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself.
:'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill''':  Jonas!  Son of a bitch!
:'''Melissa''': Who is that honey?
:'''Bill''':  Jonas Miller.  He's a nightcrawler.  We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors.  He's in it for the money not the science.  He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]''
:'''Jo''': Bill?
:'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Jo''': Bill, don't!
:'''Joey''': Uh, what?
:'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]''
:'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out?
:'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! 
''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]''
:'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off!
:'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man!
:'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it!
:'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?!
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch!
:'''Joey''': Calm down!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?!
:'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it?
:'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it!
:'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized.
:'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]''
:'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air.
:'''Joey''': That's right!
:'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over.
:'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff.
:'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL.
:'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]''
''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]''
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet!
''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]''
:'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright!
:'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!!
:'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man!
:'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you.
:'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky!
:'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]''

==Taglines==
* There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself.
* The Dark Side of Nature.
* Don't Breathe.  Don't Look Back.
* Go for a ride you'll never forget!
* If you can hear it, it's already too late!
* Nature Sucks.

==Home media==
{| Class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Release date !! Studio
|-
| August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros.
|-
| May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios
|-
| November 7, 2000 VHS &amp; DVD&lt;br&gt;June 10, 2003 VHS&lt;br&gt;August 2, 2005 DVD&lt;br&gt;March 13, 2007 HD-DVD&lt;br&gt;September 23, 2008 Blu-ray&lt;br&gt;September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Blu-ray 3D&lt;br&gt;TBA DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)&lt;br&gt;TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal
|}

==Cast==
* [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding
* [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller
* [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves
* [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis
* [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene
* [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick
* [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders
* [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe
* [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}}
* {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}}

[[Category:1996 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films about natural disasters]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]]</text>
      <sha1>5djvicb6ltk7ekq5n37p0xm0bc3lh7g</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153308</id>
      <parentid>3153307</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:06:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>104.231.249.177</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18158" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path.
:''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].''
{{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo.
:'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us.
:'''Bill''': How's it going?
:'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking.
:'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dorothy is first shown]''
:'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain.
:'''Bill''': I had a hand in it.
:'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it?
:'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. 
:'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what she is going to do.
:'''Melissa''': How?
:'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorothy, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously.
:'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time.
:'''Melissa''': And what will that do?
:'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system.
:'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings?
:'''Bill''': Well the systems–
:'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes.
:'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it.
:'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it.
:'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado?
:'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up too.
:'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the &quot;suck zone&quot;.
:'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh...
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve?
:'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]''
:'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?!
:''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]''
:'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track.
:'''Jo''': Are you sure?
:'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left.
:'''Melissa''': Is that bad?
:'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–?
:'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go!
:''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]''
:'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on...
:''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]''
:'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done.
:'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? 
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God!
:'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept.
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?!
:'''Bill''': I don't think so!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)''
:'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road.
:'''Jo''': I think you're right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion?
:'''Jo''': ...We saw it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us!
:'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)''
:'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us!
:'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us!
:''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?!
:'''Rabbit''': It should be any second!
:''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)''
:'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon?
:'''Bill''': WHAT?
:'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one.
:'''Bill''': SHIT!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]''
:'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]''
:'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like?
:'''Jo''': ...It was windy.
:'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck?
:'''Bill''': Liability only.
:'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck.
:'''Melissa''': Thank you. 
:''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]''
:'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita.
:'''Jo''': No.
:'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right?
:'''Jo''': No!
:'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance!
:'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt!
:'''Dusty''': F-food!
:'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD!
:'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air.
:'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef?
:'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front?
:'''Rabbit''': No.
:'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah!
:''[laughter from everyone]''
:'''Rabbit''': Oh.
:'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right?
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, god.
:'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.
:'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...
:'''Dusty''': He is naked!
:'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked.
:'''Beltzer''': Naked!
:'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked!
:'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel.
:'''Bill''': Half naked.
:'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.  The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!
:'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.
:'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3?
:'''Bill''': Solid F-2.
:'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again.
:'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats.
:'''Melissa''': Eats?
:'''Bill''': Destroys.
:'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3.
:'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today.
:'''Haynes''': That would be sweet!
:'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.
:'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like?
:'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God.
:'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5?
:'''Bill''': ...Just one of us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]''
:'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris!
:'''Bill''': DEBRIS?
:'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left!
:'''Bill''': Which way now?
:'''Jo''': I have no idea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]''
:'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive?
:'''Bill:''' No!
:'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]''
:'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is.
:'''Bill''': Melissa?!
:''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]''
:'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise.
:'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ.
:'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit!
:'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that?
:'''Rabbit''': Beyond what?
:'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?!
:'''Bill''': THE BRUSH!
:'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH!
:'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?!
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway!
:'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit?
:'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man?
:'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow.
:'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. 
:'''Jo:''' Another cow.
:'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]''
:'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK?
:'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right.
:'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself.
:'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill''':  Jonas!  Son of a bitch!
:'''Melissa''': Who is that honey?
:'''Bill''':  Jonas Miller.  He's a nightcrawler.  We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors.  He's in it for the money not the science.  He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]''
:'''Jo''': Bill?
:'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Jo''': Bill, don't!
:'''Joey''': Uh, what?
:'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]''
:'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out?
:'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! 
''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]''
:'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off!
:'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man!
:'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it!
:'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?!
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch!
:'''Joey''': Calm down!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?!
:'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it?
:'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it!
:'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized.
:'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]''
:'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air.
:'''Joey''': That's right!
:'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over.
:'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff.
:'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL.
:'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]''
''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]''
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet!
''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]''
:'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright!
:'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!!
:'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man!
:'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you.
:'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky!
:'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]''

==Taglines==
* There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself.
* The Dark Side of Nature.
* Don't Breathe.  Don't Look Back.
* Go for a ride you'll never forget!
* If you can hear it, it's already too late!
* Nature Sucks.

==Home media==
{| Class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Release date !! Studio
|-
| August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros.
|-
| May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios
|-
| November 7, 2000 VHS &amp; DVD&lt;br&gt;June 10, 2003 VHS&lt;br&gt;August 2, 2005 DVD&lt;br&gt;March 13, 2007 HD-DVD&lt;br&gt;September 23, 2008 Blu-ray&lt;br&gt;September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Blu-ray 3D&lt;br&gt;TBA DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)&lt;br&gt;TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal
|}

==Cast==
* [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding
* [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller
* [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves
* [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis
* [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene
* [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick
* [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders
* [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe
* [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}}
* {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}}

[[Category:1996 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films about natural disasters]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]]</text>
      <sha1>6yqi28m55m4rd93mp32b9u9t1ii54vy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153309</id>
      <parentid>3153308</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:07:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>104.231.249.177</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18158" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path.
:''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].''
{{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo.
:'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us.
:'''Bill''': How's it going?
:'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. Did you see the sky today?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking.
:'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Dorothy is first shown]''
:'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain.
:'''Bill''': I had a hand in it.
:'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it?
:'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. 
:'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what she is going to do.
:'''Melissa''': How?
:'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorothy, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously.
:'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time.
:'''Melissa''': And what will that do?
:'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system.
:'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings?
:'''Bill''': Well the systems–
:'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes.
:'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it.
:'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it.
:'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado?
:'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up too.
:'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the &quot;suck zone&quot;.
:'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh...
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve?
:'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]''
:'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?!
:''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]''
:'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track.
:'''Jo''': Are you sure?
:'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left.
:'''Melissa''': Is that bad?
:'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–?
:'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go!
:''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]''
:'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on...
:''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]''
:'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done.
:'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? 
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God!
:'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept.
:'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?!
:'''Bill''': I don't think so!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)''
:'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road.
:'''Jo''': I think you're right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion?
:'''Jo''': ...We saw it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us!
:'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)''
:'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us!
:'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us!
:''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?!
:'''Rabbit''': It should be any second!
:''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)''
:'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon?
:'''Bill''': WHAT?
:'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one.
:'''Bill''': SHIT!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]''
:'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]''
:'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like?
:'''Jo''': ...It was windy.
:'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck?
:'''Bill''': Liability only.
:'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck.
:'''Melissa''': Thank you. 
:''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]''
:'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita.
:'''Jo''': No.
:'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right?
:'''Jo''': No!
:'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance!
:'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt!
:'''Dusty''': F-food!
:'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD!
:'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air.
:'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef?
:'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front?
:'''Rabbit''': No.
:'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah!
:''[laughter from everyone]''
:'''Rabbit''': Oh.
:'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right?
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, god.
:'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.
:'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...
:'''Dusty''': He is naked!
:'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked.
:'''Beltzer''': Naked!
:'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked!
:'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel.
:'''Bill''': Half naked.
:'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.  The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!
:'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.
:'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3?
:'''Bill''': Solid F-2.
:'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again.
:'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats.
:'''Melissa''': Eats?
:'''Bill''': Destroys.
:'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3.
:'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today.
:'''Haynes''': That would be sweet!
:'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.
:'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like?
:'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God.
:'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5?
:'''Bill''': ...Just one of us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]''
:'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris!
:'''Bill''': DEBRIS?
:'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left!
:'''Bill''': Which way now?
:'''Jo''': I have no idea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]''
:'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive?
:'''Bill:''' No!
:'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]''
:'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is.
:'''Bill''': Melissa?!
:''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]''
:'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise.
:'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ.
:'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit!
:'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you?
:'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that?
:'''Rabbit''': Beyond what?
:'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?!
:'''Bill''': THE BRUSH!
:'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH!
:'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?!
:'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway!
:'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit?
:'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man?
:'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow.
:'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. 
:'''Jo:''' Another cow.
:'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]''
:'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK?
:'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right.
:'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself.
:'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner.
:'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bill''':  Jonas!  Son of a bitch!
:'''Melissa''': Who is that honey?
:'''Bill''':  Jonas Miller.  He's a nightcrawler.  We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors.  He's in it for the money not the science.  He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]''
:'''Jo''': Bill?
:'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Jo''': Bill, don't!
:'''Joey''': Uh, what?
:'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]''
:'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out?
:'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! 
''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]''
:'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off!
:'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man!
:'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it!
:'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?!
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch!
:'''Joey''': Calm down!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?!
:'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF!
:'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it?
:'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it!
:'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized.
:'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]''
:'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air.
:'''Joey''': That's right!
:'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over.
:'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff.
:'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL.
:'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]''
''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]''
:'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet!
''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]''
:'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright!
:'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!!
:'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man!
:'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you.
:'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky!
:'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]''

==Taglines==
* There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself.
* The Dark Side of Nature.
* Don't Breathe.  Don't Look Back.
* Go for a ride you'll never forget!
* If you can hear it, it's already too late!
* Nature Sucks.

==Home media==
{| Class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Release date !! Studio
|-
| August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros.
|-
| May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios
|-
| November 7, 2000 VHS &amp; DVD&lt;br&gt;June 10, 2003 VHS&lt;br&gt;August 2, 2005 DVD&lt;br&gt;March 13, 2007 HD-DVD&lt;br&gt;September 23, 2008 Blu-ray&lt;br&gt;September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Blu-ray 3D&lt;br&gt;TBA DVD, Blu-ray &amp; Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)&lt;br&gt;TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal
|}

==Cast==
* [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding
* [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller
* [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves
* [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis
* [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene
* [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick
* [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders
* [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe
* [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}}
* {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}}

[[Category:1996 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films about natural disasters]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]]</text>
      <sha1>d0zjoco3wbc1gno5qn1m883hts5fxzz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>August 11</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>26150</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153394</id>
      <parentid>2994579</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T23:59:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24666" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;11&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 11|August 11]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

; 2003
: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson]]
:* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]]

;2004
: The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not diminished by the indifference of others. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjöld]]
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2005
: I do not believe that the tendency is to make men and women brave and glorious when you tell them that there are certain ideas upon certain subjects that they must never express; that they must go through life with a pretence as a shield; that their neighbors will think much more of them if they will only keep still; and that above all is a God who despises one who honestly expresses what he believes. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] (born 11 August [[1833]])
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2006
: Love is the magician, the enchanter, that changes worthless things to Joy, and makes royal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous flower, the heart, and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, earth is heaven, and we are gods. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC)
* 4 [[w:user:TomPhil|TomPhil]] 11:53, 2 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments — there are consequences. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&lt;!-- * 3 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 02:28, 9 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: There is no slavery but ignorance. Liberty is the child of intelligence. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]] &lt;!-- * 4 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 02:28, 9 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 but I would give this a 3 if it were trimmed to just &quot;There is no slavery but ignorance.&quot; [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: If the world ever advances beyond what it is today, it must be led by men who express their real opinions. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 10 August 2009 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: Wait until the world is free before you write a creed. &lt;br&gt; In this creed there will be but one word — Liberty. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: Standing in the presence of the Unknown, all have the same right to think, and all are equally interested in the great questions of origin and destiny. All I claim, all I plead for, is liberty of thought and expression. That is all. I do not pretend to tell what is absolutely true, but what I think is true. I do not pretend to tell all the truth. &lt;br&gt; I do not claim that I have floated level with the heights of thought, or that I have descended to the very depths of things. I simply claim that what ideas I have, I have a right to express; and that any man who denies that right to me is an intellectual thief and robber. That is all. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 00:58, 8 August 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = In the name of [[Allah]], Most [[Grace|Gracious]], Most [[Mercy|Merciful]] &lt;br&gt;Lo! We [[Revelation|revealed]] it on the [[w:Laylat al-Qadr|Night of Predestination]]. &lt;br&gt; Ah, what will convey unto thee what the [[Night]] of [[Power]] is! &lt;br&gt; The Night of Power is better than a thousand [[months]]. &lt;br&gt; The [[angels]] and the [[Spirituality|Spirit]] descend therein, by the permission of their Lord, with all decrees. &lt;br&gt; (The night is) [[Peace]] until the rising of the [[Morning|dawn]].
| author = ''[[Qur'an|Al-Qur'an]]'', [[w:Al-Qadr (sura)|Sura 97 : Al-Qadr]] ~ &lt;br&gt; as translated by &lt;br&gt; ~ [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|M. M. Pickthall]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 19:19, 9 August 2012 (UTC) for one of the earliest candidate dates of [[w:Laylat al-Qadr|Laylat al-Qadr]] for 2012 --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = While utterly discarding all creeds, and denying the [[truth]] of all [[religions]], there is neither in my [[heart]] nor upon my lips a sneer for the [[hopeful]], [[loving]] and tender [[souls]] who [[believe]] that from all this [[discord]] will result a [[perfect]] [[harmony]]; that every [[evil]] will in some [[mysterious]] way become a [[good]], and that above and over [[all]] there is a being who, in some way, will reclaim and [[Glory|glorify]] every one of the [[children]] of [[men]]; but for those who heartlessly try to [[prove]] that salvation is almost impossible; that damnation is almost certain; that the highway of the [[universe]] leads to [[hell]]; who fill [[life]] with [[fear]] and [[death]] with horror; who [[curse]] the cradle and mock the tomb, it is impossible to entertain other than [[feelings]] of [[pity]], [[contempt]] and [[scorn]].
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:50, 9 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote =&lt;/p&gt; I have made up my [[mind]] that if there is a [[God]], &lt;br /&gt; he will be [[Mercy|merciful]] to the merciful. &lt;br&gt; Upon that rock I stand. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; That he will not [[torture]] the [[forgiving]]. &lt;br&gt; Upon that rock I stand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; That every man should be [[true]] to himself, &lt;br /&gt;and that there is no [[world]], no [[star]], in which [[honesty]] is a [[crime]]. &lt;br /&gt; Upon that rock I stand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; The honest [[man]], the [[good]] [[woman]], the [[happy]] [[child]], have [[nothing]] to [[fear]],&lt;br /&gt; either in this world or the world to come. &lt;br&gt; Upon that [[Stone|rock]] I stand.&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:44, 8 August 2014 (UTC)

+ earlier suggestion with just part of this:
I have made up my mind that if there is a God, he will be merciful to the merciful. Upon that rock I stand. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] (date of birth)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:38, 8 August 2010 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 3 or 4.&lt;/s&gt; with a lean toward 4.
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''The [[world]] is [[growing]] [[gentle]], &lt;br&gt; But few [[know]] what she owes&lt;br&gt; To the [[understanding]] [[lily]] &lt;br&gt;And the [[judgment]] of the [[rose]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:45, 10 August 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; All the [[martyrs]] in the [[history]] of the [[world]] are not sufficient to establish the correctness of an [[opinion]]. Martyrdom, as a rule, establishes the [[sincerity]] of the martyr, — never the correctness of his [[thought]]. Things are true or [[false]] in themselves. [[Truth]] cannot be affected by opinions; it cannot be [[changed]], established, or affected by martyrdom. An [[error]] cannot be [[believed]] sincerely enough to make it a truth.
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:04, 10 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[rights]] of [[all]] are [[equal]]: [[justice]], poised and [[balanced]] in [[eternal]] [[calm]], will shake from the golden scales in which are weighed the acts of men, the very dust of [[prejudice]] and caste: No [[race]], no color, no previous condition, can change the [[Human rights|rights of men]].
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 10 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

;2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;&lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The very [[serpents]] bite their tails; the [[bees]] forget to sting, &lt;br&gt; For a [[language]] so celestial setteth up a [[wondering]].''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''And the [[touch]] of absent mindedness is more than any line, &lt;br&gt; Since direction counts for [[nothing]] when the [[gods]] set up a [[sign]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:55, 10 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''[[Great]] is the [[rose]] &lt;br /&gt; That challenges the crypt, &lt;br /&gt; And [[quotes]] milleniums &lt;br /&gt; Against the [[Grave (burial)|grave]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:58, 10 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The [[rose]] has told In one [[simplicity]]. &lt;br /&gt; That never [[life]] &lt;br /&gt;Relinquishes a bloom &lt;br /&gt; But to bestow &lt;br /&gt; An ancient [[confidence]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 10 August 2020 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The [[sign]] [[work]] of the Orient it runneth up and down; &lt;br&gt; The [[Talmud]] stalks from right to left, a rabbi in a gown;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''The Roman rolls from left to right from Maytime unto May; &lt;br&gt; But the [[gods]] shake up their [[symbols]] in an absent-minded way.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Their [[language]] runs to [[circles]] like the language of the [[eyes]], &lt;br&gt; Emphasised by [[strange]] dilations with little panting [[sighs]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}

; 2022 : ''[[August 11|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
&lt;noinclude&gt;
----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:'''

* Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
** used [[16 June]] [[2004]], selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

* ''You cannot choose your battlefield, &lt;br&gt; God does that for you; &lt;br&gt; But you can plant a standard &lt;br&gt; Where a standard never flew.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Nathalia Crane]] ~
**used on [[1 November]] [[2007]], proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- &lt;s&gt;* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:38, 26 October 2007 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;
----
Ranking system:
:4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used.
:3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used.
:2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used.
:1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used.
:0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day.
----
----
== Suggestions ==

The only real game — I think — in the world is baseball. ~ [[Babe Ruth]], in honour of his 500th homerun, scored that day
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 05:58, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 significant for USA but not really for anyone else [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
** For the record, the first voter is not from the US (unless you count [[w:Israel|Israel]] as the 51st state). ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 16:04, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] 00:29, August 7, 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:44, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[w:user:TomPhil|TomPhil]] 11:53, 2 August 2006 (UTC)
* 1 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC); for 2007 only, given [[w:Barry Bonds|Barry Bonds]] likely imminent new record
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Surplus wealth is a sacred trust which its possessor is bound to administer in his lifetime for the good of the community. - [[Andrew Carnegie]], died this day
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:44, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 - Should be transferred to November 25, Carnegie's birthdate. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

An enemy forgiven is more dangerous than a thousand foes. ~ [[Rodolfo Graziani]]
* 4 and I love this quote because of the magnificently climactic idea behind it...an enemy left alive can evolve into a dangerous man of vengeance. I love the imagery depicted by this quote, pertaining to say that the only incapable foe is the dead foe. Hence, forgiving a foe may create a deadlier one in turn. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:49, 17 June 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the Force. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 because this is what I strongly believe. This is most likely the most meaningful, most moral quotation in the history of Star Wars. Do not be dogmatic, dogma is the death of learning. This quote should seriously be taken into consideration. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:38, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Wipe them out, all of them. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

I can feel your anger. It gives you focus. It makes you stronger. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Remember back to your early teachings. All who gain power are afraid to lose it. Even the Jedi. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 because this quote pretty much defines what I believe, especially &quot;Good is a point of view&quot; this quote is brilliance defined. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)
----

We must reverse this psychology (of needing guns for home defense). We can do it by passing a law that says anyone found in possession of a handgun except a legitimate officer of the law goes to jail- period! ~ [[Carl Rowan]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:22, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Outside his own ever-narrowing field of specialization, a scientist is a layman. What members of an academy of science have in common is a certain form of semiparasitic living. ~ [[Erwin Chargaff]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:22, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''Lo and behold! God made this&lt;br&gt;starry wold,&lt;br&gt;The maggot and the mold; lo and&lt;br&gt;behold!&lt;br&gt;He taught the grass [[contentment]]&lt;br&gt;blade by blade,&lt;br&gt;The sanctity of sameness in a shade.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;''Every gaudy color &lt;br&gt;Is a bit of truth.&lt;br&gt;Then the gates were opened; &lt;br&gt;Miracles were seen; &lt;br&gt; That instructed damsel &lt;br&gt; Donned a gown of green;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Wore it in a churchyard, &lt;br&gt; All arrayed with care;&lt;br&gt; And a painted rainbow &lt;br&gt;Shone above her there.''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----
 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''A precious place is Paradise and none may know its worth, &lt;br&gt; But Eden ever longeth for the knicknacks of the earth.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----
 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''The sun shall shine in ages yet to be, &lt;br&gt; The musing moon illumine pastures dim, &lt;br&gt;And afterwards a new nativity &lt;br&gt;For all who slept the dreamless interim.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote =&lt;p&gt; '''Let go the lure &lt;br&gt; The striving to unmake;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Behold the truth &lt;br&gt; Whenever heart may ache &lt;br&gt; There is a glory &lt;br&gt; In a great mistake.''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = We will not forget that the Russian war against Ukraine began with the occupation of Crimea. &lt;br /&gt; Russia has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in Europe, into one of the most dangerous places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and war to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting peace in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its military base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against Ukraine and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its liberation. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the necessary components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening sanctions against Russia. The world is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first aggressive steps. … From the Kharkiv region to Kherson, from Donetsk to Enerhodar, from Stanytsia Luhanska to Yalta, from Berdyansk to Novofedorivka — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; Eternal glory to all who fight for freedom! &lt;br /&gt; ''Glory to Ukraine! ''
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:59, 10 August 2022 (UTC); recent remarks on the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]].

---- 

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>k5olybt0uz5gp817mpc3yleppwc231r</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153405</id>
      <parentid>3153394</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:23:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>updates</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="25177" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;11&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 11|August 11]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

; 2003
: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson]]
:* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]]

;2004
: The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not diminished by the indifference of others. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjöld]]
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2005
: I do not believe that the tendency is to make men and women brave and glorious when you tell them that there are certain ideas upon certain subjects that they must never express; that they must go through life with a pretence as a shield; that their neighbors will think much more of them if they will only keep still; and that above all is a God who despises one who honestly expresses what he believes. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] (born 11 August [[1833]])
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2006
: Love is the magician, the enchanter, that changes worthless things to Joy, and makes royal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous flower, the heart, and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, earth is heaven, and we are gods. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC)
* 4 [[w:user:TomPhil|TomPhil]] 11:53, 2 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments — there are consequences. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&lt;!-- * 3 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 02:28, 9 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: There is no slavery but ignorance. Liberty is the child of intelligence. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]] &lt;!-- * 4 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 02:28, 9 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 but I would give this a 3 if it were trimmed to just &quot;There is no slavery but ignorance.&quot; [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: If the world ever advances beyond what it is today, it must be led by men who express their real opinions. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:58, 10 August 2009 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: Wait until the world is free before you write a creed. &lt;br&gt; In this creed there will be but one word — Liberty. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: Standing in the presence of the Unknown, all have the same right to think, and all are equally interested in the great questions of origin and destiny. All I claim, all I plead for, is liberty of thought and expression. That is all. I do not pretend to tell what is absolutely true, but what I think is true. I do not pretend to tell all the truth. &lt;br&gt; I do not claim that I have floated level with the heights of thought, or that I have descended to the very depths of things. I simply claim that what ideas I have, I have a right to express; and that any man who denies that right to me is an intellectual thief and robber. That is all. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 00:58, 8 August 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = In the name of [[Allah]], Most [[Grace|Gracious]], Most [[Mercy|Merciful]] &lt;br&gt;Lo! We [[Revelation|revealed]] it on the [[w:Laylat al-Qadr|Night of Predestination]]. &lt;br&gt; Ah, what will convey unto thee what the [[Night]] of [[Power]] is! &lt;br&gt; The Night of Power is better than a thousand [[months]]. &lt;br&gt; The [[angels]] and the [[Spirituality|Spirit]] descend therein, by the permission of their Lord, with all decrees. &lt;br&gt; (The night is) [[Peace]] until the rising of the [[Morning|dawn]].
| author = ''[[Qur'an|Al-Qur'an]]'', [[w:Al-Qadr (sura)|Sura 97 : Al-Qadr]] ~ &lt;br&gt; as translated by &lt;br&gt; ~ [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|M. M. Pickthall]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 19:19, 9 August 2012 (UTC) for one of the earliest candidate dates of [[w:Laylat al-Qadr|Laylat al-Qadr]] for 2012 --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = While utterly discarding all creeds, and denying the [[truth]] of all [[religions]], there is neither in my [[heart]] nor upon my lips a sneer for the [[hopeful]], [[loving]] and tender [[souls]] who [[believe]] that from all this [[discord]] will result a [[perfect]] [[harmony]]; that every [[evil]] will in some [[mysterious]] way become a [[good]], and that above and over [[all]] there is a being who, in some way, will reclaim and [[Glory|glorify]] every one of the [[children]] of [[men]]; but for those who heartlessly try to [[prove]] that salvation is almost impossible; that damnation is almost certain; that the highway of the [[universe]] leads to [[hell]]; who fill [[life]] with [[fear]] and [[death]] with horror; who [[curse]] the cradle and mock the tomb, it is impossible to entertain other than [[feelings]] of [[pity]], [[contempt]] and [[scorn]].
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:50, 9 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote =&lt;/p&gt; I have made up my [[mind]] that if there is a [[God]], &lt;br /&gt; he will be [[Mercy|merciful]] to the merciful. &lt;br&gt; Upon that rock I stand. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; That he will not [[torture]] the [[forgiving]]. &lt;br&gt; Upon that rock I stand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; That every man should be [[true]] to himself, &lt;br /&gt;and that there is no [[world]], no [[star]], in which [[honesty]] is a [[crime]]. &lt;br /&gt; Upon that rock I stand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; The honest [[man]], the [[good]] [[woman]], the [[happy]] [[child]], have [[nothing]] to [[fear]],&lt;br /&gt; either in this world or the world to come. &lt;br&gt; Upon that [[Stone|rock]] I stand.&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:44, 8 August 2014 (UTC)

+ earlier suggestion with just part of this:
I have made up my mind that if there is a God, he will be merciful to the merciful. Upon that rock I stand. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] (date of birth)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:38, 8 August 2010 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:05, 7 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 3 or 4.&lt;/s&gt; with a lean toward 4.
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''The [[world]] is [[growing]] [[gentle]], &lt;br&gt; But few [[know]] what she owes&lt;br&gt; To the [[understanding]] [[lily]] &lt;br&gt;And the [[judgment]] of the [[rose]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:45, 10 August 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; All the [[martyrs]] in the [[history]] of the [[world]] are not sufficient to establish the correctness of an [[opinion]]. Martyrdom, as a rule, establishes the [[sincerity]] of the martyr, — never the correctness of his [[thought]]. Things are true or [[false]] in themselves. [[Truth]] cannot be affected by opinions; it cannot be [[changed]], established, or affected by martyrdom. An [[error]] cannot be [[believed]] sincerely enough to make it a truth.
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:04, 10 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[rights]] of [[all]] are [[equal]]: [[justice]], poised and [[balanced]] in [[eternal]] [[calm]], will shake from the golden scales in which are weighed the acts of men, the very dust of [[prejudice]] and caste: No [[race]], no color, no previous condition, can change the [[Human rights|rights of men]].
| author = Robert G. Ingersoll
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 10 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:52, 10 August 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

;2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;&lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The very [[serpents]] bite their tails; the [[bees]] forget to sting, &lt;br&gt; For a [[language]] so celestial setteth up a [[wondering]].''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''And the [[touch]] of absent mindedness is more than any line, &lt;br&gt; Since direction counts for [[nothing]] when the [[gods]] set up a [[sign]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:55, 10 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''[[Great]] is the [[rose]] &lt;br /&gt; That challenges the crypt, &lt;br /&gt; And [[quotes]] milleniums &lt;br /&gt; Against the [[Grave (burial)|grave]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:58, 10 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The [[rose]] has told In one [[simplicity]]. &lt;br /&gt; That never [[life]] &lt;br /&gt;Relinquishes a bloom &lt;br /&gt; But to bestow &lt;br /&gt; An ancient [[confidence]].''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 10 August 2020 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''The [[sign]] [[work]] of the Orient it runneth up and down; &lt;br&gt; The [[Talmud]] stalks from right to left, a rabbi in a gown;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''The Roman rolls from left to right from Maytime unto May; &lt;br&gt; But the [[gods]] shake up their [[symbols]] in an absent-minded way.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Their [[language]] runs to [[circles]] like the language of the [[eyes]], &lt;br&gt; Emphasised by [[strange]] dilations with little panting [[sighs]].''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting [[peace]] in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its [[military]] base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against [[Ukraine]] and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its [[liberation]]. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the [[necessary]] components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]]. The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. …&lt;!--  We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers. … the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt;  --&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; [[Eternal]] [[glory]] to all who fight for [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; ''Glory to Ukraine!''
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:59, 10 August 2022 (UTC) --&gt;; recent remarks on the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russo-Ukrainian War]].

; 2023 : ''[[August 11|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
&lt;noinclude&gt;
----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:'''

* Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]
** used [[16 June]] [[2004]], selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

* ''You cannot choose your battlefield, &lt;br&gt; God does that for you; &lt;br&gt; But you can plant a standard &lt;br&gt; Where a standard never flew.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Nathalia Crane]] ~
**used on [[1 November]] [[2007]], proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- &lt;s&gt;* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:38, 26 October 2007 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
----
----
== Suggestions ==

The only real game — I think — in the world is baseball. ~ [[Babe Ruth]], in honour of his 500th homerun, scored that day
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 05:58, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 significant for USA but not really for anyone else [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
** For the record, the first voter is not from the US (unless you count [[w:Israel|Israel]] as the 51st state). ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 16:04, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] 00:29, August 7, 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:44, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[w:user:TomPhil|TomPhil]] 11:53, 2 August 2006 (UTC)
* 1 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC); for 2007 only, given [[w:Barry Bonds|Barry Bonds]] likely imminent new record
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Surplus wealth is a sacred trust which its possessor is bound to administer in his lifetime for the good of the community. - [[Andrew Carnegie]], died this day
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:44, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:27, 7 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 - Should be transferred to November 25, Carnegie's birthdate. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:14, 10 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:23, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

An enemy forgiven is more dangerous than a thousand foes. ~ [[Rodolfo Graziani]]
* 4 and I love this quote because of the magnificently climactic idea behind it...an enemy left alive can evolve into a dangerous man of vengeance. I love the imagery depicted by this quote, pertaining to say that the only incapable foe is the dead foe. Hence, forgiving a foe may create a deadlier one in turn. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:49, 17 June 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the Force. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 because this is what I strongly believe. This is most likely the most meaningful, most moral quotation in the history of Star Wars. Do not be dogmatic, dogma is the death of learning. This quote should seriously be taken into consideration. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:38, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Wipe them out, all of them. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

I can feel your anger. It gives you focus. It makes you stronger. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Remember back to your early teachings. All who gain power are afraid to lose it. Even the Jedi. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power. ~ from Star Wars as ''Darth Sidious'' [[Ian McDiarmid]] (born August 11)
* 3 because this quote pretty much defines what I believe, especially &quot;Good is a point of view&quot; this quote is brilliance defined. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)
----

We must reverse this psychology (of needing guns for home defense). We can do it by passing a law that says anyone found in possession of a handgun except a legitimate officer of the law goes to jail- period! ~ [[Carl Rowan]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:22, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

Outside his own ever-narrowing field of specialization, a scientist is a layman. What members of an academy of science have in common is a certain form of semiparasitic living. ~ [[Erwin Chargaff]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:22, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''Lo and behold! God made this&lt;br&gt;starry wold,&lt;br&gt;The maggot and the mold; lo and&lt;br&gt;behold!&lt;br&gt;He taught the grass [[contentment]]&lt;br&gt;blade by blade,&lt;br&gt;The sanctity of sameness in a shade.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;p&gt;''Every gaudy color &lt;br&gt;Is a bit of truth.&lt;br&gt;Then the gates were opened; &lt;br&gt;Miracles were seen; &lt;br&gt; That instructed damsel &lt;br&gt; Donned a gown of green;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Wore it in a churchyard, &lt;br&gt; All arrayed with care;&lt;br&gt; And a painted rainbow &lt;br&gt;Shone above her there.''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----
 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''A precious place is Paradise and none may know its worth, &lt;br&gt; But Eden ever longeth for the knicknacks of the earth.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----
 {{quote of the day
| quote = ''The sun shall shine in ages yet to be, &lt;br&gt; The musing moon illumine pastures dim, &lt;br&gt;And afterwards a new nativity &lt;br&gt;For all who slept the dreamless interim.''
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

 {{quote of the day
| quote =&lt;p&gt; '''Let go the lure &lt;br&gt; The striving to unmake;''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Behold the truth &lt;br&gt; Whenever heart may ache &lt;br&gt; There is a glory &lt;br&gt; In a great mistake.''&lt;/p&gt;
| author = Nathalia Crane
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:15, 28 February 2014 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>26731</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153286</id>
      <parentid>3144300</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:58:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2402:4000:B18B:EAE8:6951:AB62:CFDD:722C</ip>
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'''''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]''''' ('''''GTA:SA''''') is a 2004 British sandbox-style action-adventure game developed by Rockstar North. It is the third 3D game in the ''Grand Theft Auto'' video game franchise and fifth original game overall.

== Carl Johnson ==
:After five years at the East Coast, it was time to go home.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:Ah shit, here we go again. Worst place in the world. Rollin Heights Balla country. I ain't represented Grove Street in five years, but the Ballas won't give a shit.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:Grove Street - Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.

== Big Smoke ==
:You picked the wrong house, fool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:All we had to do, was follow the damn train, CJ!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ryder''': Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
:'''Carl''': Because you been dealing drugs, man, since the age of ten!
:'''Ryder''': No, that ain't it.
:'''Carl''': ''[laugh]'') Because you went and put hands on that teacher for wearing Ballas colors!
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' No, that ain't it either. It's 'cause I'm too intelligent for this shit, man. I am the real deal, fool. Oh yeah. A genius.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Carl tries to visit a shop but runs into the officers]''
:'''Officer Pulaski''': Carl!
:'''Carl''': Damn! ''[walks away]''
:'''Pulaski''': Where you off to? ''[reaches out to him]''
:'''Carl''': Shit!
:'''Tenpenny''': Where you running off to, Carl? I thought we were friends!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, whatever.
:'''Tenpenny''': As an officer in charge of putting an end to gang violence, I find myself in a difficult moral position, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, right.
:'''Tenpenny''': Carl, I'm hurt, I truly am. And I was just about to help those poor Grove Street boys.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah?  How?
:'''Tenpenny''': I like the status quo, Carl. I like having you dumb bastards doing your job for me — blowing each other's guts all over the sidewalk.
:'''Carl''': Dumb bastards?
:'''Tenpenny''': Now, if it's brought to my attention that one tribe gets an unfair advantage over another, that truly troubles me, Carl.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jizzy B.''': See, baby, I got everything... Mink sheets... Mink coats... Mink curtains in the window. When I walk down the stairs, I'm walking down on... mink carpet. ''[sees Carl]'' Now, who's this trick? I don't need no more friends, baby. All they try to do is peel me from my hoes.
:'''Carl''': No, no, it ain't about them. It's all about you, playa. I heard you was the man with the hook up, and you was the man I needed to see. I'm offering my services.
:'''Jizzy B.''': Say what?
:'''Carl''': Yes, sir. See, I'm new in town. Anything you want, I can do. For a guy like me, to work with, to work ''for'' a guy like Jizzy B... well...
:'''Jizzy B.''': Now that you mention it, I do have a slight problem. Something a little dumb muscle like yourself might be able to fix. 'Cause you see me, I'm an intellectual. ''[to the girls]'' Bitches, y'all walk down to the bar and fix a pimp a drink. ''[to Carl]'' See, I only got two eyes, and on these streets you got to have more than that. You got to be like a fly on shit, you know? A hundred eyes, everywhere.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category: Grand Theft Auto (series)]]
fuck you Cj</text>
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        <id>3099110</id>
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      <comment>Undo revision 3153286 by [[Special:Contributions/2402:4000:B18B:EAE8:6951:AB62:CFDD:722C|2402:4000:B18B:EAE8:6951:AB62:CFDD:722C]] ([[User talk:2402:4000:B18B:EAE8:6951:AB62:CFDD:722C|talk]])</comment>
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'''''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]''''' ('''''GTA:SA''''') is a 2004 British sandbox-style action-adventure game developed by Rockstar North. It is the third 3D game in the ''Grand Theft Auto'' video game franchise and fifth original game overall.

== Carl Johnson ==
:After five years at the East Coast, it was time to go home.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:Ah shit, here we go again. Worst place in the world. Rollin Heights Balla country. I ain't represented Grove Street in five years, but the Ballas won't give a shit.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:Grove Street - Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.

== Big Smoke ==
:You picked the wrong house, fool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:All we had to do, was follow the damn train, CJ!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ryder''': Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
:'''Carl''': Because you been dealing drugs, man, since the age of ten!
:'''Ryder''': No, that ain't it.
:'''Carl''': ''[laugh]'') Because you went and put hands on that teacher for wearing Ballas colors!
:'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' No, that ain't it either. It's 'cause I'm too intelligent for this shit, man. I am the real deal, fool. Oh yeah. A genius.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Carl tries to visit a shop but runs into the officers]''
:'''Officer Pulaski''': Carl!
:'''Carl''': Damn! ''[walks away]''
:'''Pulaski''': Where you off to? ''[reaches out to him]''
:'''Carl''': Shit!
:'''Tenpenny''': Where you running off to, Carl? I thought we were friends!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, whatever.
:'''Tenpenny''': As an officer in charge of putting an end to gang violence, I find myself in a difficult moral position, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, right.
:'''Tenpenny''': Carl, I'm hurt, I truly am. And I was just about to help those poor Grove Street boys.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah?  How?
:'''Tenpenny''': I like the status quo, Carl. I like having you dumb bastards doing your job for me — blowing each other's guts all over the sidewalk.
:'''Carl''': Dumb bastards?
:'''Tenpenny''': Now, if it's brought to my attention that one tribe gets an unfair advantage over another, that truly troubles me, Carl.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jizzy B.''': See, baby, I got everything... Mink sheets... Mink coats... Mink curtains in the window. When I walk down the stairs, I'm walking down on... mink carpet. ''[sees Carl]'' Now, who's this trick? I don't need no more friends, baby. All they try to do is peel me from my hoes.
:'''Carl''': No, no, it ain't about them. It's all about you, playa. I heard you was the man with the hook up, and you was the man I needed to see. I'm offering my services.
:'''Jizzy B.''': Say what?
:'''Carl''': Yes, sir. See, I'm new in town. Anything you want, I can do. For a guy like me, to work with, to work ''for'' a guy like Jizzy B... well...
:'''Jizzy B.''': Now that you mention it, I do have a slight problem. Something a little dumb muscle like yourself might be able to fix. 'Cause you see me, I'm an intellectual. ''[to the girls]'' Bitches, y'all walk down to the bar and fix a pimp a drink. ''[to Carl]'' See, I only got two eyes, and on these streets you got to have more than that. You got to be like a fly on shit, you know? A hundred eyes, everywhere.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category: Grand Theft Auto (series)]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Paris Hilton</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>27533</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153369</id>
      <parentid>3148892</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T21:52:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>31.190.252.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3869" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Paris hilton universal photo retouched.jpg|thumb|right|The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.]]
'''[[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Whitney Hilton]]''' (born [[17 February]] [[1981]]) is an heiress to the [[w:Hilton Hotels Corporation|Hilton Hotel]] fortune, as well as [[w:Richard Hilton|her father]]'s [[real estate]] fortune. In addition to being a famous socialite, Hilton has dabbled in modeling, acting, singing, and writing.

{{people-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* That's hot!.
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTX9X64eK7s YouTube - &quot;That's Hot&quot; Medley]

* I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.
** As quoted at [http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3264588  ABC News (11 June 2007)]

* It is my first trip here on [[Lake Como]] [...] A fantastic place.
** Paris Hilton to Instagram in  [https://www.espansionetv.it/2022/08/05/paris-hilton-lago-di-como-fantastico/  &quot;Paris Hilton: “Lago di Como fantastico&quot;, at ''Espansione TV'' (5 August 2022) by Massimo Moscadi]

* You're a fucking bitch. I'm going to destroy you.
** Paris Hilton to [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0333809/ Zeta Graff] in [http://www.courttv.com/scripts/features/fea_printPage.asp?thisFile=/people/2006/0125/paris_hilton_ctv.html &quot;Paris Hilton's lawyers: We want more information on accuser's mental condition&quot; at CourtTV (25 January 2006) by Lisa Sweetingham]

=== ''Confessions of an Heiress'' (2004) ===
:&lt;small&gt;''Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-chic Peek Behind the Pose''&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Paris Hilton.jpg|thumb|right|To me, anything goes. But that's me.]]

* To me, anything goes. But that's me.
** p. 53

* You need to look like a lady at the Oscars. Otherwise, [[Joan Rivers]] will tear you apart. Then again, you aren't really anyone till Joan Rivers tears you apart.
** p. 53

* The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.
** p. 53 (included in the ''Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1212303/Paris-Hilton-feature-Oxford-Dictionary-Quotes-alongside-Confucius-Oscar-Wilde-yes-really.html])

== ''[[w:The Simple Life|The Simple Life]]'' ==
* What's Wal-mart? Do they sell Walls and stuff?

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons|Paris Hilton}}
* [http://www.parishilton.com/ Paris Hilton's official website]
*[http://celebrity01.blogspot.com Paris Hilton Blog]
* [http://parishiltonrecord.com/ Paris Hilton's official music career website]
* {{imdb name|id=0385296|name=Paris Hilton}}
* [http://www.wargs.com/other/hilton.html Ancestry of Paris Hilton]
*[http://allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&amp;token=ADFEAEE47819DD4BAC7120C59E3A54D9B17FFF0CD746E8AE0721425AD3FB3247801162B66EE5A7ABF6BE39B57BB0FC2EBB580FD3CCA252F6DD66373E8BFED71D&amp;sql=10:mtjqoauarijx Allmusic.com review site]
*[http://www.parishilton-fan.com Paris Hilton] fansite

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hilton, Paris}}
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Models from the United States]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Prisoners]]
[[Category:1981 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:Businesspeople in real estate]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153370</id>
      <parentid>3153369</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T21:53:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>31.190.252.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3868" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Paris hilton universal photo retouched.jpg|thumb|right|The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.]]
'''[[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Whitney Hilton]]''' (born [[17 February]] [[1981]]) is an heiress to the [[w:Hilton Hotels Corporation|Hilton Hotel]] fortune, as well as [[w:Richard Hilton|her father]]'s [[real estate]] fortune. In addition to being a famous socialite, Hilton has dabbled in modeling, acting, singing, and writing.

{{people-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* That's hot!.
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTX9X64eK7s YouTube - &quot;That's Hot&quot; Medley]

* I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.
** As quoted at [http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3264588  ABC News (11 June 2007)]

* It is my first trip here on [[Lake Como]] [...] A fantastic place.
** Paris Hilton to Instagram in  [https://www.espansionetv.it/2022/08/05/paris-hilton-lago-di-como-fantastico/  &quot;Paris Hilton: “Lago di Como fantastico&quot; at ''Espansione TV'' (5 August 2022) by Massimo Moscadi]

* You're a fucking bitch. I'm going to destroy you.
** Paris Hilton to [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0333809/ Zeta Graff] in [http://www.courttv.com/scripts/features/fea_printPage.asp?thisFile=/people/2006/0125/paris_hilton_ctv.html &quot;Paris Hilton's lawyers: We want more information on accuser's mental condition&quot; at CourtTV (25 January 2006) by Lisa Sweetingham]

=== ''Confessions of an Heiress'' (2004) ===
:&lt;small&gt;''Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-chic Peek Behind the Pose''&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Paris Hilton.jpg|thumb|right|To me, anything goes. But that's me.]]

* To me, anything goes. But that's me.
** p. 53

* You need to look like a lady at the Oscars. Otherwise, [[Joan Rivers]] will tear you apart. Then again, you aren't really anyone till Joan Rivers tears you apart.
** p. 53

* The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.
** p. 53 (included in the ''Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1212303/Paris-Hilton-feature-Oxford-Dictionary-Quotes-alongside-Confucius-Oscar-Wilde-yes-really.html])

== ''[[w:The Simple Life|The Simple Life]]'' ==
* What's Wal-mart? Do they sell Walls and stuff?

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons|Paris Hilton}}
* [http://www.parishilton.com/ Paris Hilton's official website]
*[http://celebrity01.blogspot.com Paris Hilton Blog]
* [http://parishiltonrecord.com/ Paris Hilton's official music career website]
* {{imdb name|id=0385296|name=Paris Hilton}}
* [http://www.wargs.com/other/hilton.html Ancestry of Paris Hilton]
*[http://allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&amp;token=ADFEAEE47819DD4BAC7120C59E3A54D9B17FFF0CD746E8AE0721425AD3FB3247801162B66EE5A7ABF6BE39B57BB0FC2EBB580FD3CCA252F6DD66373E8BFED71D&amp;sql=10:mtjqoauarijx Allmusic.com review site]
*[http://www.parishilton-fan.com Paris Hilton] fansite

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hilton, Paris}}
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Models from the United States]]
[[Category:Singers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Prisoners]]
[[Category:1981 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:Businesspeople in real estate]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dennis Potter</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>37092</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153244</id>
      <parentid>2226460</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:24:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Philip Cross</username>
        <id>7192</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>rewrite, elements of the summary are not necessarily typical of all Potter's work; died not far off thirty years ago, &quot;remembered&quot; is more appropriate than &quot;known&quot; (he isn't best described as &quot;controversial&quot; in 2022)</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9029" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dennis Potter|Dennis Christopher George Potter]]''' ([[May 17]], [[1935]] – [[June 7]], [[1994]]) was an English television dramatist. He is best remembered for scripts which mixed autobiographical elements with social history and fantasy. Potter's plays occasionally incorporated elements of popular culture (characters miming to popular songs) and adult actors performing as children.

== Quotes ==

* By the time I stood for Parliament I was already carrying a walking stick, and the combination of my illness and my sense of withdrawal from a belief in a kind of Britain I would have preferred to see meant that I was no longer satisfied with such a (political) role: it wasn't creative enough, it didn't satisfy me. I simply didn't fit the bill in the end. Although I was a Labour candidate I didn't even vote in that election. I was probably the only candidate who didn't vote for his party.
** G. Fuller (ed.), ''Potter on Potter'' (Faber and Faber, 1993), p. 14
** On his candidature in East Hertfordshire in the 1964 general election, which formed the basis of his play &quot;Vote, vote, vote for Nigel Barton&quot;

* You cannot make a pair of croak-voiced Daleks appear benevolent, even if you dress one of them in an Armani suit and call the other Marmaduke.
** &quot;Occupying Powers,&quot; ''The Guardian'' (28 August 1993); the quote is from the James MacTaggart Memorial Lecture at the Edinburgh Television Festival (27 August 1993) and refers to [[w:John Birt|John Birt]] and [[w:Marmaduke Hussey|Marmaduke Hussey]], who were then Director-General and Chairman of the BBC.

* As a writer you will know that one of the favourite fantasy plots of a writer is, a character's told 'you've got three months to live,' and who would you kill? I call my cancer Rupert, so I can get close to it. Because that man, Murdoch, is the one who, if I had the time (I've got too much writing to do...) I would shoot the bugger if I could. There is no one person more responsible for the pollution of what was already a fairly polluted press. And the pollution of the British press is an important part of the pollution of British political life, and it's an important part of the cynicism and misperception of our own realities that is destroying so much of our political discourse.
** &quot;The Long Goodbye,&quot; ''The Guardian'' (6 April 1994); the quote is from Potter's final television interview with Melvyn Bragg (5 April 1994)

* My only regret is to die four pages too soon.
** Final television interview with Melvyn Bragg (5 April 1994)

* The blossom is out in full now, it’s plum tree, it looks like apple blossom but it’s white. It’s the whitest, frothiest blossomest blossom that ever could be, and I can see it. Things are both more trivial than they ever were and more important than they ever were, and the difference between the trivial and the important doesn’t seem to matter. But the now-ness of everything is absolutely wondrous.
** Final television interview with Melvyn Bragg (5 April 1994)

===''Stand up, Nigel Barton'' (1965)===
* '''Nigel Barton''': Eh dad, why do you always walk in the middle of the road?&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': I don't know.&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': What do you think the pavement's for?&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': Dogs to poop in, by the looks of things!

* '''Harry Barton''': Clever sod, aren't you? I expect they think the sun shines out of you down at Oxford.&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton'''. Up.&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': What?&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton'''. Up, dad. Up.&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': Aye, and up you, too!&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': Everyone says 'Up at Oxford'. You come 'down' when you've finished there.&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': Well, what's this then? Does bloody Oxford move up and down the bloody map then?

* '''Georgie Pringle''': The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying, Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother: And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity.
** Pringle, &quot;the class comic&quot;, has been asked to choose the bible reading for a secondary school class. He has a reputation for knowing &quot;all the dirty bits in the bible off by heart,&quot; according to Nigel Barton's narration. The quote is from Ezekiel, chapter 23, verses 1-3.

*'''Miss Tillings''': Stand up, Nigel Barton! Well, Nigel, do you know anything about this? I can't believe it was you!&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': No, Miss!&lt;br&gt;'''Miss Tillings''': Then what do you know about it?&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': I think - I think I might have had the daffodil, Miss&amp;mdash;&lt;br&gt;'''Miss Tillings''': You might have had it? What do you mean, boy? Speak up!&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': The stem was all broke and somebody gave it to me, Miss.&lt;br&gt;'''Miss Tillings''': Who gave it to you?&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': Ooh, I don't like to say, Miss.&lt;br&gt;'''Miss Tillings''': You better had, Barton, and quick about it.&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''': Georgie Pringle, Miss.
**Barton incriminates Pringle, who has bullied him, in the crime of destroying the class's daffodil; the daffodil was actually destroyed by Barton himself.

*'''Nigel Barton''' (On TV): I feel I don't belong here, that's my trouble.&lt;br&gt;'''Interviewer''' (on TV): Well, where do you belong? At home?&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': Of course!&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel Barton''' (on TV): No, I'm afraid I don't. Now it hurts to say this, of course, but it's the truth. Back at home, in the village, in the workingmen's club, with people I went to school with, I'm so much on the defensive, you see. They suspect me of making qualitative judgments about their environment, you understand, but it's not that I wish to do so. Yet I even find my own father looking at me oddly some times, waiting to pounce on some remark, some expression in my face, watching me like a hawk. I don't feel at home in either place. I don't belong. It's a tightrope between two different worlds, and I'm walking it.&lt;br&gt;'''Harry Barton''': You're a bloody liar, Nigel!

===''Vote, vote, vote for Nigel Barton'' (1965)===

* '''Jack''': ''(to camera)'' My office! ''(indicates mess)'' I'm sorry about all this, but we in the Labour Party link drabness with idealism, see. I'm a paid agent of the party, but whenever I need to know anything I have to ring up Conservative Central Office. It's a very plush place, that - carpets plucking at your bleeding ankles. You see, they link drabness with idealism, too.

* '''Nigel''': I don't regard ''clever'' as a dirty word. &lt;br&gt;'''Jack''': Rule one, it's never clever to appear to be clever. Long words actually hurt people, you know that? Rule two, speak slowly and clearly as though to a group of malignant kids. Rule three, keep it short. Very short. Half-truths take less time than whole ones, old mate. Oh and I see you've let your locks sprout a bit. Get 'em cut, there's a good chap. Rolling stones gather no votes.   

* '''Jack''': You'll have to compromise, smile, concern yourself with your public image, measure your words as carefully as possible... and turn yourself into a dutiful party hack! ''[chuckles]'' Never mind, Nigel, never mind.
** Jack Hay was based on Ron Brewer, who had been Potter's agent when he was Labour candidate for East Hertfordshire in the 1964 general election.

* '''Jack''': A potential Cabinet Minister if ever I saw one. Dishonest in a way which seems embarrassingly frank. Upright when creeping. And dignified when at his most stupid.

*'''Nigel''': Why the cheap jokes? &lt;br&gt;'''Jack''': Cheap? When I was a kid, we were made to stay away from school on Empire Days so we wouldn't have to wave one of those little Union Jacks. We were the richest country in the world then, or so I'm told, and my old man bow-legged from malnutrition. Us kids nearly died laughing.
&lt;br&gt;'''Nigel''': And? &lt;br&gt;'''Jack''': Well, I've been laughing ever since, haven't I? Put a few smiles between yourself and the world, Nigel. You don't bruise so easy that way.

* '''Jack''': I once had a candidate who was deeply concerned about the moral issues raised by myxomatosis. 'Look mate,' I said, 'Rabbits, as far as I'm aware, haven't yet had the vote.' Mind you, I'm an animal lover, too, you know. I've always advocated that the party that introduced family allowances for dogs would sweep the country. And it'll come, it'll come.

===''[[w:The Singing Detective|The Singing Detective]]'' (1986)===
* '''Philip Marlow''': Minute by minute we make the world. We make our own world.

* '''Philip Marlow''': You're the girl in all those songs. De-dum.&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Mills''': What songs?&lt;br&gt;'''Philip Marlow''': The songs, the songs, the bloody, bloody songs.&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Mills''': I wish I knew what you were talking about.&lt;br&gt;'''Philip Marlow''': The songs you hear coming up the stair.&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Mills''': Sorry?&lt;br&gt;'''Philip Marlow''': When you're a child, when you're supposed to be asleep. ''Those'' songs.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Potter, Dennis}}
[[Category:English playwrights]]
[[Category:1994 deaths]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Happy Feet</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>38669</id>
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      <text bytes="11056" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Happy Feet|Happy Feet]]''''' is a [[w:2006 in film|2006 film]] about a penguin who can't sing, in a society which finds soul mates through song. Instead, he can dance, leading to friction in his colony.
:''Directed by [[w:George Miller|George Miller]]. Written by [[w:Warren Coleman|Warren Coleman]], [[w:John Collee|John Collee]], [[w:George Miller|George Miller]], and [[w:Judy Morris|Judy Morris]]''
{{center|'''Warning: May Cause Toe-Tapping'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:''(after Mumble fails at his singing lessons)''
:'''Mumble''': Hey, you know what?!?! I can leave school!! I can go to work!! The three of us....
:'''Memphis''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, little fella. You ain't going nowhere until you've got yourself an education. Get them singing muscles big and strong. You got that?
:'''Mumble''': I will try, pal.
:'''Memphis''': You bet you will. The word &quot;triumph&quot; starts with &quot;try&quot; and it ends with--
:'''Mumble''': &quot;Umph&quot;!
:'''Memphis''': That's right! A great big &quot;umph&quot;! I'm going fishing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leopard_Seal Leopard Seal]''': ''(to Mumble)'' Come here, you sausage. I take you with ketchup.
:'''Ramon''': But first you got to catch up!!!!
:''[The other penguins burst out laughing.]''
:'''Raul''': Oh, here he comes! We better move in half an hour!
:''[The penguins taunt the leopard seal by moving in slow-motion.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leopard Seal''': Remember, dumplings, I know where you live...
:'''Raul''': It's called land, ass-face!!
:'''Nestor''': Rub back any time, blubber-butt!
:'''Mumble''': ''(to the leopard seal)'' See you, fatty!
:''(The Amigos pause and look at Mumble for a moment)'' 
:'''Raul''': That's cool! &quot;See you, fatty!&quot; 
:''(The Amigos laugh)''
:'''Ramon''': Did it take you a while to come up with that one?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramon''': Chicka, chicka, boom, boom! ''(the four other Amigos join in with a hip thrust action)'' Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! 
:'''Mumble''': You're not interested in chicas? 
:'''Ramon''': You kidding?! Without us, the chicas got no boom!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lovelace''': Hear me! There's not enough love in the world. Turn to the penguin next to you, put your flippers up, fluff him up a little bit and give him a great big hug!
:'''Raul''': ''(to Ramon)'' What you hugging me for?!
:'''Ramon''': He told me to.
:'''Raul''': Get away!
:'''Ramon''': No, you like it....
:'''Nestor''': Get off him, Ramon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramon''': You have just got to do exactly what I say!
:'''Mumble''': Okay.
:'''Ramon''': Did I say &quot;okay&quot;?
:'''Mumble''': No!
:'''Ramon''': What did I say?
:'''Mumble''': Do exactly what you say.
:'''Ramon''': Exactly what I say!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after Mumble drives Gloria away)''
:'''Nestor''': Amigo, that is a good thing you do.
:'''Ramon''': She is going to be so much better off without you. She is going to find a good steady guy to comfort her...
:''(Raul attempts to slap him, but misses)''
:'''Ramon''': ...and love her up real good and raise a big family, then she gone let herself go...
:'''Rinaldo''': Ramon. Ramon!! He's hurting bad. He's hurting bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lombardo''': Why would Lovelace help?
:'''Raul''': He not like you at all.
:'''Mumble''': I'll just appeal to his better nature.
:'''Nestor''': How you gonna do that?
:'''Raul''': Cruel and unusual punishment?
:'''Lombardo''': Unimaginable torture?
:'''Ramon''': Imaginable torture?
:'''Rinaldo''': Your singing?
:'''Ramon, Nestor, Raul and Lombardo''': No!!!!
:'''Rinaldo''': ''(imitates Mumble's singing)'' Can anybody find meeeeeeeeee?
:'''Lombardo''': Ohhh... you breaking the ice!
:'''Ramon''': Avalanche!
:'''Mumble''': Yes, okay, thank you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mumble''': Excuse me. What is this place?
:'''Penguin''': ''[in a [[w:HAL 9000|HAL 9000]]-like voice]'' You're in Heaven, Dave - Penguin Heaven.
:'''Mumble''': Is it anywhere near Emperor Land?
:'''Penguin''': It's wherever you want it to be. Try the water, Dave. It's really real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Mumble eventually succumbs to madness in the zoo and &quot;sees&quot; and hears his family and friends on a wall.)''
:'''Norma Jean''': So you found the fish, baby?
:'''Mumble''': ''(turns to look at the wall)'' Ma?
:'''Norma Jean''': Hi, sweetie.
:'''Mumble''': Ma!
:'''Ramon''': Fluffy! No matter what they say or do, we never stop believing in you.
:'''Other Amigo''': So, you'll be back soon?
:'''Norma Jean''': Hey, c'mon! Let him eat.
:'''Gloria''': Go ahead, Dave. Don't mind us.
:'''Mumble''': But there's plenty for everyone!
:'''Norma Jean''': It's OK, sugar. We can wait.
:''(The vision begins to melt and fade.)''
:'''Mumble''': No, no! Ma! Ma!! Th-there's, th-there's lots here! There's enough for everyone! Ma!!!!
:''(Mumble tries to throw a fish to his mother. It hits the wall and falls off, but he keeps trying desperately.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noah''': You led them here? You turned them on your own kind?!
:'''Gloria''': Wait a second. You just said there's no such thing as aliens.
:'''Noah''': ...Well, there's not. But if there were, only a traitorous fool would bring them here!
:'''Mumble''': But they have to come! They're the ones taking our fish. They can do something about it.
:'''Noah''': None but the Great 'Guin hath the power to give and take away!
:'''Mumble''': But the Great 'Guin didn't put things out of whack, the aliens did!
:'''Noah''': A fool returns this day to mock our suffering! We are starving, and he wants us to hippity-hop!!!! So, do we hold fast to our ways? Or do we bend to the fetid fantasies of a dancing fool?!

== Deleted scene (Mumble Meets a Blue Whale) ==
:''[While swimming in the endless waters in search of the &quot;aliens&quot;, Mumble suddenly encounters a large whale. In shock, he jumps out of the water, where he sees an albatross flying in the sky]''
:'''Albatross''': Don't fret, cobber. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
:''[The whale rises out of the water and makes several noises]''
:'''Mumble''': You're absolutely sure?
:'''Albatross''': You're looking at your blue whale, mate. Ain't he a beauty?
:'''Mumble''': He's...he's so big. And so loud!
:'''Albatross''': He's talking to you, champ. Wants to know what a little tackle like yourself's doing out here on the Convergent? 
:'''Mumble''': What?
:'''Albatross''': Where the cold water meets the warm. Big northern currents. Once you cross the Convergent, squirt, no going back.
:'''Mumble''': But I gotta talk to the aliens!
:'''Albatross''': The aliens?
:'''Mumble''': The ones taking all the fish!
:'''Albatross''': Struth! Who'd you think took out the whales?
:'''Mumble''': The whales, too? Someone's gotta stop them.
:'''Albatross''': Oh, yeah. And what's gonna be your approach?
:'''Mumble''': If...if I could just talk to them.
:'''Albatross''': Beauty! And when that crafty little trick pays off, you be sure to let me know.
:''[The whale makes another sound]''
:'''Mumble''': What's he saying now?
:'''Albatross''': He's saying you're a wanker. Go back to your own kind. Enjoy life while you can. ''[Begins flying away]''
:'''Mumble''': Well, sir, truth is...I don't really have a kind.
:''[Mumble continues swimming away in the water, as the albatross watches]''
:'''Albatross''': Crikey! Now that's unusual animal behavior. But I like it! ''[Flies away]'' Whoo!

== About ''Happy Feet'' ==

* On the first one, we sent a whole crew down to Antarctica. Our key designers and technical crew went down. One of the producers, Bill Miller, my brother, he went down. Then, we have a penguin expert called Dr. Penguin, one of the world’s leading authorities on the penguin. Well, he’s now on his 20th year down there. He goes down there every year. So, but all of our rigging, the people who rigged for the animation, they know the anatomy of a krill or an elephant seal or a penguin just really well. Because it’s based on nature, it kind of picks up on nature. We have to exaggerate our main characters because otherwise every character would look the same. It’s almost impossible to tell the movie like that. But by and large, everything is very close to their anatomy, not only that, the behavior of snow and wind and even the clouds in the sky is something that we follow very closely.
** George Miller, [http://www.comingsoon.net/movies/features/84200-exclusive-interview-happy-feet-two-director-george-miller#4i6eF6oMmsyLbjrp.99 &quot;Exclusive Interview: Happy Feet Two Director George Miller&quot;] as interviewed by Edward Douglas, ''Coming Soon'', November 15, 2011.

== Taglines ==
* Warning: May Cause Toe-Tapping.
* Everybody Dance Now!
* What's Your Heartsong?

== Cast ==
* [[Elijah Wood]] - Mumble
* [[w:Brittany Murphy|Brittany Murphy]] - Gloria
* [[Hugh Jackman]] - Memphis
* [[Nicole Kidman]] - Norma Jean
* [[Hugo Weaving]] - Noah the Elder
* [[Robin Williams]] - Ramón
* [[Pierce Brosnan]] - Lovelace
* [[w:Johnny Sanchez III|Johnny Sanchez III]] - Lombardo
* [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Néstor
* [[w:Lombardo Boyar|Lombardo Boyar]] - Raul
* [[w:Jeff Garcia|Jeff Garcia]] - Rinaldo
* [[Steve Irwin]] - Trev
* [[w:Nicholas McKay|Nicholas McKay]] - Nev
* [[w:Tiriel Mora|Tiriel Mora]] - Kev
* [[w:Richard Carter|Richard Carter]] - Barry
* [[w:Fat Joe|Fat Joe]] - Seymour (US)
* [[Tom Baker]] - Seymour (UK)
* [[w:Magda Szubanski|Magda Szubanski]] - Miss Viola
* [[w:Miriam Margolyes|Miriam Margolyes]] - Mrs. Astrakhan
* [[w:E.G. Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] - Baby Mumble
* [[w:Alyssa Shafer|Alyssa Shafer]] - Baby Gloria
* [[w:Cesar Flores|Cesar Flores]] - Baby Seymour
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Maurice
* [[w:Chrissie Hynde|Chrissie Hynde]] - Michelle
* [[w:Roger Rose|Roger Rose]] - Leopard Seal
* [[w:Michelle Arthur|Michelle Arthur]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Denise Blasor|Denise Blasor]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Loren Giselle|Loren Giselle]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - Boss Skua
* [[w:Michael Cornacchia|Michael Cornacchia]] - Frankie
* [[w:Mark Klastorin|Mark Klastorin]] - Vinnie
* [[w:Peter Caroll|Peter Caroll]] - Elder
* [[w:Larry Moss|Larry Moss]] - Elder
* [[w:Lee Perry|Lee Perry]] - Elder
* [[w:Alan Shearman|Alan Shearman]] - Elder
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Ricky D'Shon Collins]] - Teenage Penguin

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0366548|title=Happy Feet}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=happy_feet|title=Happy Feet}}
* The Official [http://www.happyfeetmovie.com/ ''Happy Feet''] Site

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Australian animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Animated films about penguins]]
[[Category:Films set in Antarctica]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
      <sha1>3ljsyxi7y0cf4lrefrvo54cr4v62l1a</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153344</id>
      <parentid>3153343</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T20:06:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11057" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Happy Feet|Happy Feet]]''''' is a [[w:2006 in film|2006 film]] about a penguin who can't sing, in a society which finds soul mates through song. Instead, he can dance, leading to friction in his colony.
:''Directed by [[w:George Miller|George Miller]]. Written by [[w:Warren Coleman|Warren Coleman]], [[w:John Collee|John Collee]], [[w:George Miller|George Miller]], and [[w:Judy Morris|Judy Morris]]''
{{center|'''Warning: May Cause Toe-Tapping'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:''(after Mumble fails at his singing lessons)''
:'''Mumble''': Hey, you know what?!?! I can leave school!! I can go to work!! The three of us....
:'''Memphis''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, little fella. You ain't going nowhere until you've got yourself an education. Get them singing muscles big and strong. You got that?
:'''Mumble''': I will try, pal.
:'''Memphis''': You bet you will. The word &quot;triumph&quot; starts with &quot;try&quot; and it ends with--
:'''Mumble''': &quot;Umph&quot;!
:'''Memphis''': That's right! A great big &quot;umph&quot;! I'm going fishing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leopard_Seal Leopard Seal]''': ''(to Mumble)'' Come here, you sausage. I take you with ketchup.
:'''Ramon''': But first you got to catch up!!!!
:''[The other penguins burst out laughing.]''
:'''Raul''': Oh, here he comes! We better move in half an hour!
:''[The penguins taunt the leopard seal by moving in slow-motion.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leopard Seal''': Remember, dumplings, I know where you live...
:'''Raul''': It's called land, ass-face!!
:'''Nestor''': Rub back any time, blubber-butt!
:'''Mumble''': ''(to the leopard seal)'' See you, fatty!
:''(The Amigos pause and look at Mumble for a moment)'' 
:'''Raul''': That's cool! &quot;See you, fatty!&quot; 
:''(The Amigos laugh)''
:'''Ramon''': Did it take you a while to come up with that one?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramon''': Chicka, chicka, boom, boom! ''(the four other Amigos join in with a hip thrust action)'' Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! 
:'''Mumble''': You're not interested in chicas? 
:'''Ramon''': You kidding?! Without us, the chicas got no boom!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lovelace''': Hear me! There's not enough love in the world. Turn to the penguin next to you, put your flippers up, fluff him up a little bit and give him a great big hug!
:'''Raul''': ''(to Ramon)'' What you hugging me for?!
:'''Ramon''': He told me to.
:'''Raul''': Get away!
:'''Ramon''': No, you like it....
:'''Nestor''': Get off him, Ramon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramon''': You have just got to do exactly what I say!
:'''Mumble''': Okay.
:'''Ramon''': Did I say &quot;okay&quot;?
:'''Mumble''': No!
:'''Ramon''': What did I say?
:'''Mumble''': Do exactly what you say.
:'''Ramon''': Exactly what I say!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after Mumble drives Gloria away)''
:'''Nestor''': Amigo, that is a good thing you do.
:'''Ramon''': She is going to be so much better off without you. She is going to find a good steady guy to comfort her...
:''(Raul attempts to slap him, but misses)''
:'''Ramon''': ...and love her up real good and raise a big family, then she gone let herself go...
:'''Rinaldo''': Ramon. Ramon!! He's hurting bad. He's hurting bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lombardo''': Why would Lovelace help?
:'''Raul''': He not like you at all.
:'''Mumble''': I'll just appeal to his better nature.
:'''Nestor''': How you gonna do that?
:'''Raul''': Cruel and unusual punishment?
:'''Lombardo''': Unimaginable torture?
:'''Ramon''': Imaginable torture?
:'''Rinaldo''': Your singing?
:'''Ramon, Nestor, Raul and Lombardo''': No!!!!
:'''Rinaldo''': ''(imitates Mumble's singing)'' Can anybody find meeeeeeeeee?
:'''Lombardo''': Ohhh... you breaking the ice!
:'''Ramon''': Avalanche!
:'''Mumble''': Yes, okay, thank you...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mumble''': Excuse me. What is this place?
:'''Penguin''': ''[in a [[w:HAL 9000|HAL 9000]]-like voice]'' You're in Heaven, Dave - Penguin Heaven.
:'''Mumble''': Is it anywhere near Emperor Land?
:'''Penguin''': It's wherever you want it to be. Try the water, Dave. It's really real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Mumble eventually succumbs to madness in the zoo and &quot;sees&quot; and hears his family and friends on a wall.)''
:'''Norma Jean''': So you found the fish, baby?
:'''Mumble''': ''(turns to look at the wall)'' Ma?!
:'''Norma Jean''': Hi, sweetie.
:'''Mumble''': Ma!
:'''Ramon''': Fluffy! No matter what they say or do, we never stop believing in you.
:'''Other Amigo''': So, you'll be back soon?
:'''Norma Jean''': Hey, c'mon! Let him eat.
:'''Gloria''': Go ahead, Dave. Don't mind us.
:'''Mumble''': But there's plenty for everyone!
:'''Norma Jean''': It's OK, sugar. We can wait.
:''(The vision begins to melt and fade.)''
:'''Mumble''': No, no! Ma! Ma!! Th-there's, th-there's lots here! There's enough for everyone! Ma!!!!
:''(Mumble tries to throw a fish to his mother. It hits the wall and falls off, but he keeps trying desperately.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noah''': You led them here? You turned them on your own kind?!
:'''Gloria''': Wait a second. You just said there's no such thing as aliens.
:'''Noah''': ...Well, there's not. But if there were, only a traitorous fool would bring them here!
:'''Mumble''': But they have to come! They're the ones taking our fish. They can do something about it.
:'''Noah''': None but the Great 'Guin hath the power to give and take away!
:'''Mumble''': But the Great 'Guin didn't put things out of whack, the aliens did!
:'''Noah''': A fool returns this day to mock our suffering! We are starving, and he wants us to hippity-hop!!!! So, do we hold fast to our ways? Or do we bend to the fetid fantasies of a dancing fool?!

== Deleted scene (Mumble Meets a Blue Whale) ==
:''[While swimming in the endless waters in search of the &quot;aliens&quot;, Mumble suddenly encounters a large whale. In shock, he jumps out of the water, where he sees an albatross flying in the sky]''
:'''Albatross''': Don't fret, cobber. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
:''[The whale rises out of the water and makes several noises]''
:'''Mumble''': You're absolutely sure?
:'''Albatross''': You're looking at your blue whale, mate. Ain't he a beauty?
:'''Mumble''': He's...he's so big. And so loud!
:'''Albatross''': He's talking to you, champ. Wants to know what a little tackle like yourself's doing out here on the Convergent? 
:'''Mumble''': What?
:'''Albatross''': Where the cold water meets the warm. Big northern currents. Once you cross the Convergent, squirt, no going back.
:'''Mumble''': But I gotta talk to the aliens!
:'''Albatross''': The aliens?
:'''Mumble''': The ones taking all the fish!
:'''Albatross''': Struth! Who'd you think took out the whales?
:'''Mumble''': The whales, too? Someone's gotta stop them.
:'''Albatross''': Oh, yeah. And what's gonna be your approach?
:'''Mumble''': If...if I could just talk to them.
:'''Albatross''': Beauty! And when that crafty little trick pays off, you be sure to let me know.
:''[The whale makes another sound]''
:'''Mumble''': What's he saying now?
:'''Albatross''': He's saying you're a wanker. Go back to your own kind. Enjoy life while you can. ''[Begins flying away]''
:'''Mumble''': Well, sir, truth is...I don't really have a kind.
:''[Mumble continues swimming away in the water, as the albatross watches]''
:'''Albatross''': Crikey! Now that's unusual animal behavior. But I like it! ''[Flies away]'' Whoo!

== About ''Happy Feet'' ==

* On the first one, we sent a whole crew down to Antarctica. Our key designers and technical crew went down. One of the producers, Bill Miller, my brother, he went down. Then, we have a penguin expert called Dr. Penguin, one of the world’s leading authorities on the penguin. Well, he’s now on his 20th year down there. He goes down there every year. So, but all of our rigging, the people who rigged for the animation, they know the anatomy of a krill or an elephant seal or a penguin just really well. Because it’s based on nature, it kind of picks up on nature. We have to exaggerate our main characters because otherwise every character would look the same. It’s almost impossible to tell the movie like that. But by and large, everything is very close to their anatomy, not only that, the behavior of snow and wind and even the clouds in the sky is something that we follow very closely.
** George Miller, [http://www.comingsoon.net/movies/features/84200-exclusive-interview-happy-feet-two-director-george-miller#4i6eF6oMmsyLbjrp.99 &quot;Exclusive Interview: Happy Feet Two Director George Miller&quot;] as interviewed by Edward Douglas, ''Coming Soon'', November 15, 2011.

== Taglines ==
* Warning: May Cause Toe-Tapping.
* Everybody Dance Now!
* What's Your Heartsong?

== Cast ==
* [[Elijah Wood]] - Mumble
* [[w:Brittany Murphy|Brittany Murphy]] - Gloria
* [[Hugh Jackman]] - Memphis
* [[Nicole Kidman]] - Norma Jean
* [[Hugo Weaving]] - Noah the Elder
* [[Robin Williams]] - Ramón
* [[Pierce Brosnan]] - Lovelace
* [[w:Johnny Sanchez III|Johnny Sanchez III]] - Lombardo
* [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Néstor
* [[w:Lombardo Boyar|Lombardo Boyar]] - Raul
* [[w:Jeff Garcia|Jeff Garcia]] - Rinaldo
* [[Steve Irwin]] - Trev
* [[w:Nicholas McKay|Nicholas McKay]] - Nev
* [[w:Tiriel Mora|Tiriel Mora]] - Kev
* [[w:Richard Carter|Richard Carter]] - Barry
* [[w:Fat Joe|Fat Joe]] - Seymour (US)
* [[Tom Baker]] - Seymour (UK)
* [[w:Magda Szubanski|Magda Szubanski]] - Miss Viola
* [[w:Miriam Margolyes|Miriam Margolyes]] - Mrs. Astrakhan
* [[w:E.G. Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] - Baby Mumble
* [[w:Alyssa Shafer|Alyssa Shafer]] - Baby Gloria
* [[w:Cesar Flores|Cesar Flores]] - Baby Seymour
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Maurice
* [[w:Chrissie Hynde|Chrissie Hynde]] - Michelle
* [[w:Roger Rose|Roger Rose]] - Leopard Seal
* [[w:Michelle Arthur|Michelle Arthur]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Denise Blasor|Denise Blasor]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Loren Giselle|Loren Giselle]] - Adélie Chica
* [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - Boss Skua
* [[w:Michael Cornacchia|Michael Cornacchia]] - Frankie
* [[w:Mark Klastorin|Mark Klastorin]] - Vinnie
* [[w:Peter Caroll|Peter Caroll]] - Elder
* [[w:Larry Moss|Larry Moss]] - Elder
* [[w:Lee Perry|Lee Perry]] - Elder
* [[w:Alan Shearman|Alan Shearman]] - Elder
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Ricky D'Shon Collins]] - Teenage Penguin

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0366548|title=Happy Feet}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=happy_feet|title=Happy Feet}}
* The Official [http://www.happyfeetmovie.com/ ''Happy Feet''] Site

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Australian animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Animated films about penguins]]
[[Category:Films set in Antarctica]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
      <sha1>sk0xdj8n0kktcpkjl4wzprkdmjc3ios</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ratatouille</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>59998</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153335</id>
      <parentid>3152092</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:58:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="17507" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. Something!
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he is ruining the soup!!!! We have got to tell someone that he is… ''[slips and falls into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, overreaching little… ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here, far away! Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me, Ambrister, how could it be popular?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the… Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. Something!
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he is ruining the soup!!!! We have got to tell someone that he is… ''[slips and falls into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, overreaching little… ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here, far away! Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me, Ambrister, how could it be popular?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!!!!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the… Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153337</id>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. Something!
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he is ruining the soup!!!! We have got to tell someone that he is… ''[slips and falls into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, overreaching little… ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here, far away! Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me, Ambrister, how could it be popular?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!!!!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well, make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it!
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you! Stop!
:'''Horst''': We are not talking about me! We’ are talking about what to do right now!
:'''Colette''': ''[gasps]'' RAAAATS!!
:'''Chefs''': RAAAATS!!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': DON'T TOUCH HIM!! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef! I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the… Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153338</id>
      <parentid>3153337</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T20:01:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
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      <text bytes="17553" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. Something!
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he is ruining the soup!!!! We have got to tell someone that he is… ''[slips and falls into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, overreaching little… ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here, far away! Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me, Ambrister, how could it be popular?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!!!!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well, make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it!
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you! Stop!
:'''Horst''': We are not talking about me! We are talking about what to do right now!
:'''Colette''': ''[gasps]'' RAAAATS!!
:'''Chefs''': RAAAATS!!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': DON'T TOUCH HIM!! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef! I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the… Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Book of Job</title>
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      <comment>/* Chapter 2 */</comment>
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[[File:Blake_Book_of_Job_Linell_set_1.jpg|thumb|right|There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.&lt;br&gt;1:1, King James Version]]
The '''''[[w:Book of Job|Book of Job]]''''' is a book of the [[w:Hebrew Bible|Hebrew Bible]]. It addresses the problem of [[w:theodicy|theodicy]], meaning why God permits evil in the world, through the experiences of the eponymous protagonist. The book is found in the [[w:Ketuvim|Ketuvim]] (&quot;Writings&quot;) section of the Hebrew Bible (Tanakh), and is the first poetic book in the [[w:Old Testament|Old Testament]] of the [[w:Christian Bible|Christian Bible]]. Scholars are generally agreed that it was written between the 7th and 4th centuries BCE.

== Quotes ==
=== Chapter 1 ===
* In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.
** 1:1, New International Version

* There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east.
** 1:1-3, King James Version

* Now it came to be the day when the sons of the true God entered to take their station before Jehovah, and even Satan proceeded to enter right among them. Then Jehovah said to Satan: “Where do you come from?” At that Satan answered Jehovah and said: “From roving about in the earth and from walking about in it.”
** 1:6-7, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

* And Jehovah said to Satan: “Have you taken note of my servant Job? There is no one like him on the earth. He is an upright man of [[integrity]], fearing God and shunning what is bad.” At that Satan answered Jehovah: “Is it for nothing that Job has feared God? Have you not put up a protective hedge around him and his house and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his livestock has spread out in the land. But, for a change, stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your very face.” Then Jehovah said to Satan: “Look! Everything that he has is in your hand. Only do not lay your hand on the man himself!” So Satan went out from the presence of Jehovah.
** 1:8-12, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

* Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
** 1:20-21, King James Version

* With nothing I came out of my mother's body, and with nothing I will go back there; the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; let the Lord's name be praised.
** 1:21, Bible in Basic English

=== Chapter 2 ===
* Finally his wife said to him: “Are you still holding firmly to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her: “thouh speakest as one of the foolish women. Should we accept only what is good from the true God and not accept also what is bad?” In all of this, Job did not sin with his lips.
** 2:9-10, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 3 ===
* Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
** 3:3, King James Version

* Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb? Why were there knees to receive me and breasts that I might be nursed? For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest.
** 3:11-13, New International Version

* Or as a child dead at birth I might never have come into existence; like young children who have not seen the light. There the wicked cease from troubling; and there the weary be at rest.
** 3:16-17, Bible in Basic English

* Why giveth He to the miserable light, and life to the bitter soul? Who are waiting for death, and it is not, And they seek it above hid treasures.
** 3:20-21, Young's Literal Translation 

=== Chapter 4 ===
* Behold, thou hast instructed many, And thou hast strengthened the weak hands. Thy words have upholden him that was falling, And thou hast made firm the feeble knees. But now it is come unto thee, and thou faintest; It toucheth thee, and thou art troubled. Is not thy fear of God thy confidence, And the integrity of thy ways thy hope? Remember, I pray thee, who ever perished, being innocent? Or where were the upright cut off?
** 4:3-7, American Standard Version

* Even as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness, reap the same.
** 4:8, King James Version

=== Chapter 5 ===
*  Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
** 5:7, King James Version

* Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.
** 5:7, New International Version

* To the One doing great and unsearchable things,&lt;br&gt;Wonderful things without number.&lt;br&gt;He gives rain to the earth&lt;br&gt;And sends waters upon the fields.&lt;br&gt;He raises the lowly up high,&lt;br&gt;And he raises up the dejected one to salvation.&lt;br&gt;He frustrates the schemes of the crafty,&lt;br&gt;So that the work of their hands does not succeed.&lt;br&gt;He catches the wise in their own cunning,&lt;br&gt;So that the plans of the shrewd are thwarted.
** 5:9-13, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 6 ===
* Then Job answered and said, Oh that my vexation were but weighed, And all my calamity laid in the balances! For now it would be heavier than the sand of the seas: Therefore have my words been rash. For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, The poison whereof my spirit drinketh up: The terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.
** 6:1-4, American Standard Version

* If only he would be pleased to put an end to me; and would let loose his hand, so that I might be cut off!
** 6:9, Bible in Basic English

* Have I strength to go on waiting, or have I any end to be looking forward to?
** 6:11, Bible in Basic English

=== Chapter 9 ===
* He commands the sun not to shine&lt;br&gt;And seals off the light of the stars;&lt;br&gt;He spreads out the heavens by himself,&lt;br&gt;And he treads upon the high waves of the sea.&lt;br&gt;He made the Ash, the Ke′sil, and the Ki′mah constellations,&lt;br&gt;And the constellations of the southern sky;&lt;br&gt;He does great and unsearchable things,&lt;br&gt;Wonderful things that cannot be counted.
** 9:7-10, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 11 ===
* Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.
** 11:13-19, New International Version

* ...and their hope ''shall be as'' the giving up of the ghost.
** 11:20, King James Bible

=== Chapter 12 ===
* But ask now the [[animals|beasts]], and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the LORD hath wrought this? In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.
** 12:7-10, King James Version

* With God is wisdom and might; He hath counsel and understanding.
** 12:13, American Standard Version

=== Chapter 13 ===
* Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him
** 13:15, King James Version

=== Chapter 14 ===
* Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.
** 14:1, King James Version

* For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease. Though the root thereof wax old in the earth, and the stock thereof die in the ground; Yet through the scent of water it will bud, and bring forth boughs like a plant. But man dieth, and wasteth away: yea, man giveth up the ghost, and where is he? As the waters fail from the sea, and the flood decayeth and drieth up: So man lieth down, and riseth not.
** 14:7-12

* But as a mountain erodes and crumbles and as a rock is moved from its place, as water wears away stones and torrents wash away the soil, so you destroy man's hope.
** 14:18-19, New International Version

=== Chapter 18 ===
* Yea, the light of the wicked shall be put out, and the spark of his fire shall not shine.
** 18:5, King James Version

* His roots shall be dried up beneath, and above shall his branch be cut off. His remembrance shall perish from the earth, and he shall have no name in the street. He shall be driven from light into darkness, and chased out of the world. He shall neither have son nor nephew among his people, nor any remaining in his dwellings. They that come after him shall be astonied at his day, as they that went before were affrighted. Surely such are the dwellings of the wicked.
** 18:16-21, King James Version

=== Chapter 19 ===
* For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.
** 19:25-26, King James Version

* Be ye afraid of the sword: for wrath bringeth the punishments of the sword, that ye may know there is a judgment.
** 19:29, King James Version

=== Chapter 20 ===
* Knowest thou not this of old, since man was placed upon earth, That the triumphing of the wicked is short, and the joy of the hypocrite but for a moment?
** 20:4-5, King James Version

=== Chapter 23 ===
* But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
** 23:10, King James Version

=== Chapter 27 ===
* All the while my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils; My lips shall not speak wickedness, nor my tongue utter deceit.
** 27:3-4, King James Version

* Till I die I will not put away mine integrity from me.
** 27:5, American Standard Version

* My righteousness I hold fast, and will not let it go: my heart shall not reproach me so long as I live.
** 27:6, King James Version

* &quot;Here is the fate God allots to the wicked, the heritage a ruthless man receives from the Almighty: However many his children, their fate is the sword; his offspring will never have enough to eat. The plague will bury those who survive him, and their widows will not weep for them. Though he heaps up silver like dust and clothes like piles of clay, what he lays up the righteous will wear, and the innocent will divide his silver. The house he builds is like a moth's cocoon, like a hut made by a watchman. He lies down wealthy, but will do so no more; when he opens his eyes, all is gone. Terrors overtake him like a flood; a tempest snatches him away in the night. The east wind carries him off, and he is gone; it sweeps him out of his place. It hurls itself against him without mercy as he flees headlong from its power. It claps its hands in derision and hisses him out of his place.
** 27:13-23, New International Version

=== Chapter 29 ===
* Oh that I were as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me; When his candle shined upon my head, and when by his light I walked through darkness;
** 29:2-3, King James Version

* Whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him. The man who was dying blessed me; I made the widow's heart sing. I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban. I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was a father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth. &quot;I thought, 'I will die in my own house, my days as numerous as the grains of sand. My roots will reach to the water, and the dew will lie all night on my branches. My glory will remain fresh in me, the bow ever new in my hand.' &quot;Men listened to me expectantly, waiting in silence for my counsel. After I had spoken, they spoke no more; my words fell gently on their ears. They waited for me as for showers and drank in my words as the spring rain. When I smiled at them, they scarcely believed it; the light of my face was precious to them. I chose the way for them and sat as their chief; I dwelt as a king among his troops; I was like one who comforts mourners.
** 29:11-25, New International Version

=== Chapter 32 ===
* Great men are not always wise: neither do the aged understand judgment.
** 32:9, King James Version

* It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right.
** 32:9, New International Version

* Let me not, I pray you, respect any man`s person; Neither will I give flattering titles unto any man. For I know not to give flattering titles; Else would my Maker soon take me away.
** 32:21-22, American Standard Version

* I will show partiality to no one, nor will I flatter any man; for if I were skilled in flattery, my Maker would soon take me away.
** 32:21-22, New International Version

=== Chapter 36 ===
* God is greater than we can know; The number of his years is beyond comprehension.&lt;br&gt;He draws up the drops of water;&lt;br&gt;They condense into rain from his mist;&lt;br&gt;Then the clouds pour it down;&lt;br&gt;They shower down upon mankind.&lt;br&gt;Can anyone understand the layers of clouds,&lt;br&gt;The thundering from his tent?&lt;br&gt;See how he spreads his lightning over it&lt;br&gt;And covers the depths of the sea.&lt;br&gt;By these he sustains the peoples;&lt;br&gt;He gives them food in abundance.
** 36:26-31, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 37 ===
* Do you know how [[God]] [[controls]] the [[clouds]]&lt;br&gt;And how he causes the [[lightning]] to flash from his cloud?&lt;br&gt;Do you know how the clouds float?&lt;br&gt;These are the [[wonderful]] [[works]] of [[the One]] [[perfect]] in [[knowledge]].
** 37:15-16, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 38 ===
* Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,&lt;br&gt;Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?&lt;br&gt;Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.&lt;br&gt;Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.&lt;br&gt;Who hast laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?&lt;br&gt;Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;&lt;br&gt;When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
** 38:1-7, King James Version

* Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:&lt;br&gt;&quot;Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?&lt;br&gt;Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
** 38:1-4, New International Version

* Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed[.]
** 38:11, King James Version

* In which direction does the [[light]] reside?&lt;br&gt;And where is the place of [[darkness]]?
** 38:19, New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures

=== Chapter 40 ===
* The LORD said to Job: &quot;Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!&quot; Then Job answered the LORD: &quot;I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.
** 40:1-4, New International Version

* Dost thou also make void My judgment? Dost thou condemn Me, That thou mayest be righteous?
** 40:8, Young's Literal Translation

=== Chapter 42 ===
* I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.
** 42:5-6, King James Version

* So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses. He had also seven sons and three daughters.
** 42:12-13, King James Version

* And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job: and their father gave them inheritance among their brethren. After this lived Job an hundred and forty years, and saw his sons, and his sons' sons, even four generations. So Job died, being old and full of days.
** 42: 15-17, King James Version

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource|Bible (King James)/Job}}

{{Bible contents}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Job}}
[[Category:Bible books]]
[[Category:Judaism]]</text>
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      <text bytes="690245" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Zero Punctuation|Zero Punctuation]]''''' is a series of video game reviews done by [[Ben Croshaw|Ben &quot;Yahtzee&quot; Croshaw]], originally on YouTube, and later for [[w:The Escapist (magazine)|The Escapist Magazine]].

===[[w:The Darkness (video game)|The Darkness Demo]]===
* ''The Darkness'' is a horror themed first-person shooter based on [[w:The_Darkness_(comics)|some comic book I've never heard of]].  The game is by the delightfully named Starbreeze Studios, whose most notable previous title would be ''The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay'' in which players piloted the claymation Vin Diesel in his ongoing quest to masturbate himself raw in the faces of audiences worldwide.
* ...What I was supposed to do was go back to an easily-missed white spot on the ground, use it to summon an evil imp, and instruct it to move a thoughtlessly parked car out of the way of one of the cemetery entrances. Let me just reiterate that: The game literally has me summon a multi-fanged beclawed monstrosity from the depths of hell, not so I can make it enslave the innocent or lay waste to all worldly nations, but so that I can enlist it as my own personal breakdown service!
* Personally, at this point I'd only consider buying the full version of ''The Darkness'' if it came down to budget price, and they threw in [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (video game)|another, better game]]. And some cake. And Belgium. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWS9_nrKOPA]

===[[w:Fable: The Lost Chapters|Fable: The Lost Chapters]]===
* ''Fable'' is by Lionhead Studios, home of longtime auteur game designer Peter Molyneux, who has a tendency to promise the Earth and be ultimately crippled by his own ambition (see the big fat broken monkey-fest ''[[w:Black_%26_White_(video_game)|Black and White]]'').  During the development of ''Fable'', for example, it was promised to have features like rival NPC characters, plants growing in real time, and a system wherein your every slightest choice of action changes your appearance and the world around you. What we ended up with was a buggy action-RPG with a great big stiffy for itself.
* The big selling point, of course, is that you can choose to be a good character or an evil character, so I of course set out to be the evilest bastard who ever lived, and the best way to do this according to the game was to dress in black, grow a big moustache, draw all over my face, and backhand the occasional passer-by.  I also set myself up as a magic user because I wanted to end up looking like [[w:Ming the Merciless|Ming the Merciless]], but the starting spells were all so ridiculously piss-weak that I ended up having to use a sword half the time anyway, and the game ended up dubbing me a &quot;Spellwarrior,&quot; which made me feel like it was calling me an indescisive prick.
* Eventually, I got to the final boss who didn't hold still long enough for my stupidly overpowered dark spell to be effective, so all I could do was whack it repeatedly over the head with my sword while it chewed constantly on my lower body. But I had so many health potions by that point that I could basically drip-feed myself with the stuff and, after the boss popped its scaly clogs, I still had enough left over to throw a health potion keg party. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYQLR7dE5k4]

===[[w:Heavenly Sword|Heavenly Sword]] and [[w:Resident Evil 5|Other Stuff]]===
* Nariko then turns to some...thing sitting vacantly nearby, wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a [[w:Kiss (band) |Kiss]] fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, &quot;We may need you to play twing-twang.&quot; My first thought when I heard that was, &quot;I am so going to quote that out of context,&quot; but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I'd consider buying the full game just to see what &quot;twing-twang&quot; is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus (''yeah, I went there'').
* Part of me feels that, from an artistic standpoint, there may be some merit in ''RE5'' because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving; and forcing the player to do something that they find distasteful as well as frightening is a rather groundbreaking method of doing that. But then again, this is ''Resident Evil'', the series that brought us &quot;squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon&quot;; and if there’s anything sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it’s probably a total accident. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1-Heavenly-Sword-and-Other-Stuff]

===[[w:Psychonauts|Psychonauts]]===
* One of the themes running though Schafer's humor is the juxtaposition of a mundane situation in a bizarre or fantastical setting (see: ''Grim Fandango''), and ''Psychonauts'' continues this tradition by being set in a summer camp for psychics. The story follows the adventures of Raz, a child acrobat who, in deference to tradition, runs away from home to escape the circus rather than join it, and whose natural psychic talent allows him to insinuate himself into the camp without paying tuition fees. Shortly however, karma bites him in the ass when he finds himself embroiled in a sinister plot and having to explore strange ethereal worlds based on the subconscious minds of those around him. It's all kind of like if Tim Burton knocked up David Lynch in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and he did meth right up until the birth.
* ''[listing the good points of the game]'' Firstly, it's something original in an industry that seems to be built on ripping off everyone else. Secondly, it's genuinely funny, while most video games attempting humor are like unanesthetized bowel surgery. Thirdly, every single character is well-defined with their own quirks and personalities, even the tiny, unimportant bit part players that get less screen time than Christopher Lee in the [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|last ''Lord of the Rings'' film]]. And lastly, it's ''fun.'' Remember that? Fun? What we used to have before gaming felt like [[w:World of Warcraft|a second job?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2-Psychonauts]

===[[w:History of video game consoles (seventh generation)|Console Rundown]]===
* With the current generation of consoles, we've reached or nearly reached the point where graphics aren't going to get much better, so we can all stop rushing to top the last generation's technology and concentrate on making some games with [[w:Silent Hill 2|actual depth.]] Except of course that the [[w:PlayStation 3|console]] [[w:Xbox 360|wars]] are all ultimately futile because the best game ever, [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|''Fantasy World Dizzy'']] for the Commodore 64, has already been made. Or maybe all of gaming is pointless, just toying with the gravel on the side of the big road of life. But hey, at least there's [[w:Manhunt (game)|violence]] and [[w:Dead or Alive (game)|tits!]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3-Console-Rundown]

===[[w:Bioshock|BioShock]]===
* ''Bioshock'' is billed as a spiritual successor to [[w:System shock 2 |''System Shock 2'']] and I'm sure ''System Shock 2'' will be very proud of its normal-mapped, [[w:Phong_shading|Phong-shaded]] bastard child because it takes after its daddy almost to the degree of George Bush. And I know what you're going to say: &quot;Yahtzee, you charismatic stallion:  What kind of complaint is that? ''System Shock 2'' was brilliant, and any game that's in any way like it should be equally good.&quot; But that's the thing:  It isn't '''like''' ''System Shock 2'', it '''is''' ''System Shock 2''. Oh sure, it looks different and it differs in the fine detailing and the character names are changed and shit. But once you strip all that out, the bad guy might as well just be SHODAN with a waistcoat and a copy of ''Atlas Shrugged''.
* But there are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4-BioShock]

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|Tomb Raider Anniversary]]===
* The combat's also been upgraded for modern times, and by that I mean they've chucked in the tired old ''God of War''/''Simon Says'' button mashing sequences which every action game has to have now by law. And someone on the design team (''you know who you are'') thought it would be a great idea to have the player constantly press R1 to fire repeatedly rather than just hold it down. But the R1 button is not positioned for comfortable mashing and when you go up against enemies who can take ten million bullets before dying (like say, for example, most of them) then your fingers cramp up like you're playing ''Guitar Hero'' but without the nebbish rock star fantasy.
* ''[helping game publishers find ideas]'' Here's one: A genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5-Tomb-Raider-Anniversary]

===[[w:Manhunt (video game)|Manhunt]]===
* Let's get something straight, all right, third-person action game developers? Left analog stick for movement; right analog stick to rotate camera around player. How is it that, when you see something that works perfectly well, you immediately decide to try and improve it and cock the whole thing up? In ''Manhunt'', the right analog stick changes to the first person camera, which may seem reasonable in theory, but it means that, when you're hiding and trying to see a nearby guard patrolling behind you, you nudge the stick and end up staring at a brick wall. And half the time when you've finally wrestled the camera into the right angle, you'll see the guard has patrolled right up to you and has now shivved you in the bollocks.
* But I seriously don't know whose side to be on when it comes to the debate of whether games like ''Manhunt'' mess with the heads of underaged, impressionable thickies. There's a very clear certification indicating that twelve-year-olds aren't supposed to be playing it, but there's no denying that they play it anyway because no one other than twelve-year-olds are into this sort of thing. Gushing breathlessly about garrote wire decapitation and baseball bat cranial explosion is a good way to win friends in middle school; but around the office water cooler, it's a good way to lose them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6-Manhunt]

===[[w:Peggle|Peggle]]===
* What I can say about it is that I started playing it around noon and emerged from my room sometime later to find that the authorities had declared me legally dead. If the whole &quot;casual gaming&quot; thing has slipped you by, then allow me hold your face under the putrescent waters of knowledge. At some point in the recent past, someone noticed that simple Flash-based 2D colour-matching games like ''Bejeweled'' were making, frankly, ''embarrassing'' amounts of dosh; and the reason for this is that, as time has gone by, bored housewives stuck at home have all independently decided that shagging the TV repairman is no longer appropriate and have turned to video games to amuse themselves instead.
* In summary it's okay, I guess. I preferred ''Bookworm Adventures'', but then I'm one of those hopeless mutants who genuinely enjoys playing ''Scrabble''. That's it. That's about as far as I can review ''Peggle'' because that's the entire extent of the game. I don't know what Pop Cap's mission statement is, but I'm betting that it's something along the lines of, &quot;Use pretty sparkly lights, encouraging sound effects, and as few gameplay elements as possible to make the gaming equivalent of premium crack cocaine.&quot; And it seems to be working for them because they are now worth umpteen millions. '''Millions!''' They exclusively make cheapo 2D games! What the hell do they spend all that money on? Ice cream?  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7-Peggle]

===[[w:Halo 3|Halo 3]]===
* The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my arse until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound, cross-eyed hobbit and you’re armed with the BFG 9000.
* But really, I don't know what I hope to achieve with all this. ''Halo 3'''s already more popular than God and nothing I can say is going to stop Microsoft making enough money to buy Switzerland and reinforce the notion that all gamers want is brightly colored dross with the depth of a spoon. So if in the future we all find ourselves playing &quot;Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure&quot; in what moments we can spare between toiling in the Microsoft overmind's off-world mining complex, then I want you to know that I fucking called it.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8-Halo-3]

===[[w:Tabula Rasa (computer game)|Tabula Rasa]]===
* ''Tabula Rasa'' is a Latin term meaning &quot;blank slate&quot; and generally refers to the school of thought stating that humans are born with no inherent programming. For example, [[w:Richard Garriot|Richard Garriot]] is an utterly demented game designer who wears a crown and insists that people call him Lord British. But was he born with the galloping crazies, or was it a lack of appropriate social contact that caused him to descend permanently into an insane fantasy world?
* Talking about removing grind from MMOs is all very well until you think about it, because grind is the only thing that keeps people playing MMOs for so long and removing it would be like removing the crazy from Richard Garriot. Besides, every MMO so far has grind right up the bum and it doesn't seem to stop people playing them. Some people just like that sort of thing, I guess. Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9-Tabula-Rasa]

===[[w:The Orange Box|The Orange Box]]===
* I can't help feeling that Valve have missed the point of episodic gaming somewhat. The whole idea is to mix up the usual rigamarole of game publishing by having shorter games at lower prices released more frequently, and while they have aspects one and two down, they continue to struggle with three.
* ''(On [[w:Half-Life 2: Episode Two |Half-Life 2: Episode Two]]'') Episode 2 does suffer a little from being the middle child.  There's no real beginning and no real end, so the story tends to meander around and it's difficult to shake the feeling that we're just killing time before the next episode wraps it all up. A new character is brought in without warning and everyone acts like we've always known him. It's actually quite perplexing. Valve have done a great job making us empathize with all the major NPCs so far, so being introduced to a new one at this late stage is like coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the family dinner table and you're the only one who seems to notice.
* ''(On [[w:Team Fortress 2 |Team Fortress 2]])'' ...For all its insubstantiality, it's incredibly well-balanced now. There's a role for everyone regardless of what sort of game you like. The Heavy for uncomplicated damage-soaking thickies; The Spy for your backstabbing stealth game dirtbag; and The Sniper for people who like point-and-click adventure games. Although, admittedly, the only puzzle is, &quot;Use gun on man.&quot;
* ''(On ''[[w:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'')'' ...If you're a regular viewer, you'll understand how insane these words feel coming out of my mouth, but I can't think of any criticism for it. I'm serious!  This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece! I went in expecting a slew of interesting portal-based puzzles and that's exactly what I got, but what I wasn't expecting was some of the funniest pitch-black humor I've ever heard in a game. Okay, it's only two to three hours long, but that's a good length for it - it means it doesn't outstay its welcome and it narrows the gap between you and the balls-tighteningly fantastic ending. Absolutely [[w:Yellow Submarine|sub]][[w:Lime (fruit)|lime]] from start to finish, and I will jam forks into my eyes if I ever use those words to describe anything else ever again! Yeah, I know it's not very funny to love a game, but fuck you! ''Portal'''s great, and if you don't think so you must be ''stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10-The-Orange-Box]

===[[w:Super Paper Mario|Super Paper Mario]]===
* During the second chapter, Mario is required to work and earn money to pay for some of the mindless vandalism that comes naturally to action RPG players. And the best way to do this is to press &quot;right&quot; to run around in a giant hamster wheel for -- no joke -- somewhere around a quarter of an hour. That's if you're thick. If you're smart (like me), you weigh down the D-pad with one of your roommate's figurines and go off to amuse yourself. That's right. You have to amuse yourself while playing a '''game''' -- a '''game''' being something ostensibly designed to amuse. And if the player is doing this, then something has clearly gone wrong. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/11-Super-Paper-Mario [11&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;]

===[[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|MOH Airborne]]===
* The ''Medal of Honor'' series has been going on since 1999, meaning that it has officially been going on longer than the actual second World War did. And if you put together all the games, films, and TV shows that have depicted it, the  Normandy landings alone probably lasted somewhere within the region of six months. So why does the US have such a fascination about a time that everyone else would rather just forget about and move on? Well, probably because that was the last war in which they did any good, when they had a clear win over an unambiguously evil villain who posed a genuine threat -- rather than any of these wishy-washy recent wars where they just run in, stomp all over a developing nation, and run out again declaring victory around the time the population have to start eating their own dead.
* As evil as the real Nazis were, it seems they weren't evil enough for the developers, and so the accuracy's a little bit skewed against them. And then it's skewed a little bit more. And then it's put in a thumbscrew until it resembles a slinky. I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure there wasn't an elite branch of stormtroopers who wore gas masks, wielded miniguns, and could take three sniper bullets to the forehead before they died. And I'm also pretty sure the Nazis didn't have [[w:Flak Tower|a gigantic armored concrete tower that can only be described as a ''doom fortress.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/12-MOH-Airborne]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass|Zelda Phantom Hourglass]]===
* A world without Nintendo would be a far bleaker one than this, and yet there's something about them I find incredibly infuriating. They've got roughly enough money to buy Earth and all the heavens, and a fanbase so devoted and rabid that they could release a game about a sewage-encrusted rapist and it would still sell like billy-oh. And while they sit in this position that many game developers worldwide with slews of new and interesting game concepts would happily hack off their wedding tackle to occupy, all they do is constantly remake the same games! Okay, so sometimes you've got an [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|ocarina]], and sometimes you're in a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|boat]], and sometimes you're a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|werewolf]] having repulsive erotica drawn about you by people on [[w:DeviantArt|DeviantArt]]; but pick any one of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda (series)|ninety billion Zelda games]] there have been so far and odds are good you'll always be the same bloody guy saving the same bloody girl with the same bloody boomerang.
* For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoe-horning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about (which, I remind you, is what handhelds are for) would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/13-Zelda-Phantom-Hourglass]

===[[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]===
*The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again!
* Maybe some of this could be forgiven if the seven main characters weren't all ''completely'' unlikeable. There's so much black leather on display, it's like someone took the goth clique from a small town high school, pinned them down in front of a 24-hour [[w:Rambo (series)|''Rambo'']] marathon, then smacked them brutally around the head with a baseball bat made out of frozen ''stupid.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate|F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate]]===
* Every now and again, F.E.A.R. remembers that it wants to be a horror game, too, and makes the lights flicker or throws down a random bloodstain like there's someone with the world's most copious nosebleed about fifty yards ahead of you. But I have to admit, when the game does descend into sheer balls-to-the-wall mindfuckery for a few minutes, it's the only time the experience really comes alive for me. I'm running down a corridor when the lights come down and then I'm in another different corridor, only now there's a blurry filter on my vision and I can hear what sounds like a moose being strangled in a tin bath. Awesome! I open a door and it vanishes into nothing and now there's a door on the ceiling. Sweet! There's a corpse at the end of the hall but as I get closer it jumps up and yells at me like everything's my fault. Finally I'm having a good time! Then everything simmers down and you return to boring predictable normality, wishing you were back in the nightmare.
* I guess if you're a huge fan of ''F.E.A.R.'', and I mean ''huge,'' like, if you play it twice a day and you have Jason Hall's face stenciled onto your toilet seat, and if you've got a love of repetitive tactical combat that borders on the fetishistic, and if you really badly need to know what happens next to the faceless characterless protagonist of the ongoing storyline, then I heartily recommend ''Perseus Mandate''. Maybe you can play it while you hang around the labyrinth with Theseus, because you're obviously a nonexistent creature of myth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/15-F-E-A-R-Perseus-Mandate]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed|Assassin's Creed]]===
* Another good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians, and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds. Those wacky, fun-loving lepers have this hilarious tendency to shove you with all their retard strength and send you flying ye olde mosh-pit style, which I feel makes me well within my rights to lamp them one; but then everyone turns against you because apparently it's not as funny when ''you'' do it. And then there are the beggar women who will latch on to you like a lamprey eel and constantly run in front of you whining for coins in a manner scientifically designed to get on my tits. Then I give them a gentle, discouraging [[w:Dragon Punch|knuckle sandwich]], and they run off yelling like ''I'm'' the asshole. It hits particularly close to home for me, because this is pretty much how ''all'' my relationships turn out.
* First you have to walk all the way down from your home base at the top of a ''fucking'' mountain at the start of every ''fucking'' mission. Then you have to make your way through the target city (pausing occasionally to nut the lepers Glaswegian-style). Then you're forced to do a few errands around the place which are basically the same three side quests over and over again. And when you do finally get to stab someone up, it's all bookended by long wordy unskipable cutscenes. Even after the stabbing, you have to sit through a prolonged conversation with the victim. You'd think having a spike shoved in to the throat would impede one's ability to soliloquize, but you just can't shut these twatmouths up!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/16-Assassins-Creed]

===[[w:Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock|Guitar Hero III]]===
* Don't believe the lie of ''Guitar Hero Three''. It's actually the fourth title in the series, the third being ''Rock the '80s'', which I haven't played, but the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end out of my ass, and floss myself to death.
* Then I got to the last venue and the last group of songs on hard mode and came to a screeching halt because they are ''fucking impossible.'' '''NO. STOP.''' Do not reach for your e-mail client; I do not want to hear about how you five-starred [[w:Raining Blood|&quot;Blood Rain&quot;]] on Expert, because if you did, you are a ''fucking freak,'' a freak with either three arms or a trained pet spider working the buttons for you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/17-Guitar-Hero-III]

===[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]===
* People often say to me, &quot;Yahtzee, you callipygian superman: How can you, a game writer yourself, complain about a game having too much dialogue?&quot; I would reply, &quot;For the same reason that a hairdresser is entitled to complain when someone fills their car with shampoo.&quot;
* ''Mass Effect'' is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/18-Mass-Effect]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Super Mario Galaxy]]===
* But don't be fooled; this is your standard fill-in-the-blanks framework. Mario's [[w:Princess Peach|hateful emotionally retarded ball-and-chain]] has been kidnapped ''again'', but before you can do the rescue you have to collect a whole bunch of stars - ''and it is always stars'' for some utterly arbitrary reason. And in the end, Mario succeeds in rescuing the needy bitch who once again fails to put out, although frankly I've given up expecting any kind of actual human intelligent reaction from that clueless bint.
* Initially, ''Mario Galaxy'' gets an easy ride because it has to be inevitably compared to ''Mario Sunshine'', the last &quot;proper&quot; Mario game (disregarding all that spin-off bullshit). And you could transplant the head of [[w:Joseph Goebbels |Joseph Goebbels]] on to the body of a praying mantis and it would still compare favorably to ''Mario Sunshine''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/19-Super-Mario-Galaxy]

===[[w:Silent Hill Origins|Silent Hill Origins]]===
* ...You have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. Time's up. That's what I thought. There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or [[w:Twix|chocolate]].
* To me, the ''Silent Hill'' series is over.  And if ''Silent Hill 5'' convinces me otherwise, then I will remove three of my own vertebrae, curl my spine back, and eat my own arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/20-Silent-Hill-Origins]

===[[w:Crysis|Crysis]]===
* Of course, with amazing graphics comes the inhumane treatment of processors. ''Crysis'' is apparently designed for some kind of hypothetical future computer from space. I played it on a brand new gaming PC resembling the monolith from ''[[w:2001: A Space Odyssey (film) |2001]]'', constructed from magical obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth. And it still chugged when things got busy.
* ...There is one section towards the end where you're forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and... well, imagine that you'd just woken from a 20-year-coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopotami. That's what controlling this section is like. And they expect you to enter ''dogfights'' in this thing. That's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your elbows. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/21-Crysis]

===[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]===
* What quickly becomes obvious is that Witcher is very much a PC-exclusive game, which are typically designed to be as complex and unintuitive as possible so that those dirty console-playing peasants don't ruin it for the glorious PC-gaming master race. The first warning sign is that the manual is thick enough to beat goats to death with, and then once you get into the game the interface is just a few steps shy of Microsoft Access in terms of friendliness. There's your inventory screen, your character screen, your alchemy screen, your glossary, your quests, your map, you have to switch between combat mode and stand-around-picking-your-nose-while-enemies-carve-you-like-turducken mode. And once you're in combat mode, do you fight in strong, fast, or group style? And if you'll be wanting to mix potions, then I hope you've gone through the necessary eight week correspondence course. If disliking this sort of shit makes me stupid, then call me &quot;Retard McSpackypants&quot;. But I'd rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind.
*As I progressed through the starting village a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless drudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a [[w:MMORPG|''mumorpuger''!]] A single-player mumorpuger with no [[w:World of Warcraft|Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse,]] but a mumopurger nonetheless. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles]]===
* Part of ''Resident Evil'''s charm is that it still takes itself seriously, despite having the most atrociously written story and dialogue of any product of human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one too many clotheslines to the head and decided he could act.
* It's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. &quot;I have a bad feeling about this,&quot; announces Jill Valentine after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced. &quot;Where did all these webs come from?&quot; wonders Chris Redfield aloud whilst staring ''directly'' at a giant spider. And then there's the recurring series baddie and backstabbing enthusiast Albert Wesker, whose every line of dialog is solid gold because he sounds like [[w:Lloyd Grossman|Lloyd Grossman]] with throat cancer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/23-Resident-Evil-Umbrella-Chronicles]

===[[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Call of Duty 4]]===
*''[with disdainful sarcasm throughout]''&lt;br /&gt;Never let it be said that I'm an impressionable twenty-something-gaming-media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth; so for the most part I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it is simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs (which was the case with ''Call of Duty 4''). This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker and brace yourself for a shock because it deserves the praise it gets.&lt;br /&gt;...Mostly.&lt;br /&gt;I was surprised because I have this presumption about &quot;serieses&quot; like ''Call of Duty'' and ''Medal of Honor'' being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism time-locked Bill-Murray-style somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand and scoffing apple pie with the other.&lt;br /&gt;''Call of Duty 4'', conversely,is set in the present day which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turns out to be right on the money it's executed in a very compelling way.&lt;br /&gt;The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country that tactfully goes unnamed (undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a water slide park by the time time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchly between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The U.S. Marines posted in &quot;Unspecifiedistan&quot; whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the ends of their massive erections while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like cockney weasels. These changes in perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective however you have to apply them and to balance the unentertaining seriousness  of this sentence: &quot;Boingo boingo whoopsy knickers.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;What I like about ''Call of Duty 4'' is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white &quot;My Country 'Tis of Thee&quot; jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the U.S. Marines act with short-sighted self-righteousness convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them [[screw the pooch|screwing the pooch]] so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

*All you need to know is this. There are [[w:Winston Churchill|two]] kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago. And ''Call of Duty 4'' is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like - well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane and land anus-first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

===[[w:SimCity Societies|SimCity Societies]]===
* It's an idea that many people seem to latch on to that, if we were created by some kind of god, then obviously he did it because he loves us so huggy-muggy-much. Never are the holes in this theory more obvious than while playing god games: because it seems that when you place most people in the position of a god and give them responsibility over many tiny lesser beings, then their attitude towards them is usually less about beloved children and more about target practice.
* I set out to make a brutal authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like Thought Police Headquarters, and all the venues were propaganda theatres, and most of the gormless fuckers were still content or elated. Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/25-Sim-City-Societies]

===Yahtzee Goes to [[w:Game Developers Conference|GDC]]===
* All games are about realizing a fantasy, whether it be the fantasy of being a courageous war hero, or the fantasy of being a future space adventurer, or, in the case of some Japanese games, the fantasy of possessing eight prehensile dicks. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/26-Yahtzee-Goes-to-GDC]

===[[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]]===
* Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys: a stream of assorted blacks; Asians; and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like &quot;the bad guy dies.&quot;
* You play Nathan &quot;Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon&quot; Drake as he scavenger-hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome, initially hostile blonde love interest, and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a T-shirt saying, &quot;I will die or turn evil.&quot;
* I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is; it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous games. Even the story has been nicked bodily from at least five adventure movies that I can think of -- seven if you let me count all the ''Indiana Jones'' films.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/27-Uncharted-Drakes-Fortune]

===[[w:Devil May Cry 4|Devil May Cry 4]]===
* ...It would be fair to say there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them but, thanks to Capcom, I don't have to - now I can just point to ''Devil May Cry 4'' and say, &quot;Pretty much that.&quot; Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some spectacle-adjusting model railroad enthusiast who cannot function without absolute realism at all times. Leaping eight times your own height, swinging swords the size of small cars around, and deflecting bullets with other bullets are all fine with me as long as it's entertaining. I'll even accept that getting a seven-foot katana jammed through your torso is totally survivable, if a bit homoerotic. A game starts widdling on my chips, however, when it populates itself with smug self-satisfied dick-spurts and starts neglecting gameplay because it's too busy letting them swagger invincibly about until I want to flatten their androgynous faces with a kayak paddle!
* But the lone shiny gold star I stick on for the combat is almost immediately torn off for some truly obnoxious level design. Jumping puzzles? Fine. Timed jumping puzzles? Fair enough. Timed jumping puzzles with fixed cameras? Now we've dropped into the ocean of shittiness. But then they hit us with a timed jumping puzzle with a fixed camera where enemies spawn in every time you fail. And now the ocean of shittiness has closed in over our heads with no rescue boat in sight. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/28-Devil-May-Cry-4]

===[[w:Burnout Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]===
* People often ask me, &quot;Yahtzee, you herculean exemplar: You have so much to say about what makes a [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|bad game]], but what is your measure of a [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|good game]]?&quot; Well, actually, no one's ever asked me that. Mostly they ask retarded questions like when am I [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd|going to review 20-year-old Nintendo games like everyone and their dog]]. But it's the kind of question I'd like to be asked, so I'm going to answer it. One of my measures of a [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|good game]] is one that teaches me something. ''Burnout Paradise'', for example, teaches me that if Princess Diana honestly couldn't survive [[w:Death_of_Diana,_Princess_of_Wales|a trivial little crash]] like that, then the girl must have been made out of wafers.
* ''(discussing the game's open world:)'' My point is, that the reason why racing games traditionally feature closed circuit tracks is that the fun in a street racing game comes from driving really fast and breaking things. That's a winning formula. Then you throw map reading skills into it and it's the metaphorical shot of Baileys, overpowering all the other flavors.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/29-Burnout-Paradise]

===[[w:Turok (2008 video game)|Turok]]===
* I'm actually rather glad that a really, unequivocally bad FPS has been shat out in front of me because there are a lot of problems with first-person shooters these days and ''Turok'' plays like an itemized list of them. So rather than do what I usually do (i.e. crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises), let's instead use ''Turok'' as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first-person shooters keep persistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them. Then maybe I can persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom.
* When you consider that the original ''Turok'' games were about a time-traveling red Indian, this new installment has had to really work hard to rip off [[w:Aliens (film) |''Aliens'']]. They had to lock the established setting and storyline in a wardrobe and throw it off a cliff. They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good. And that's sort of admirable, I guess, in a retarded kind of way.
* Most of these problems with modern FPSes can be explained with four words: &quot;Let's be like ''Halo.''&quot; But I remember a time when FPSes didn't all march in step behind that inexplicably popular festival of mediocrity, when FPSes weren't all about soldiers or space marines, when they could be about [[w:Blood (computer game)|undead cowboys]], or [[w:Redneck Rampage|backwoods pig-rapists]], or [[w:Duke Nukem 3D|wise-cracking misogynistic wankers]]. I remember a time when FPSes had a sense of humor about themselves and could have colours other than gunmetal gray and dogshit brown. I remember titles like ''Exhumed'' and ''Chasm'' and ''Witchhaven II'' — though on reflection, I'd rather forget about them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/30-Turok]

===[[w:Zack and Wiki|Zack and Wiki]]===
* Long ago in the mists of time, when main characters didn't need to have biceps bigger then their faces and when bump mapping was just something cartographers did to their wives, there lived adventure games. This [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|shy,]] [[w:Space Quest II|thoughtful]] tribe was known for its great story telling tradition and ruled the great PC gaming plains for many years before mysteriously dying out around the onset of the [[w:Quake (video game)|Quake]] era. Some blame the aggressive expansion of neighboring first-person shooter tribes; but personally I think it's more to do with the fact that most of them were [[w:King's Quest|shit]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/31-Zack-Wiki]

===[[w:Army of Two|Army of Two - Yes, Two]]===
* We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses who make tons more money and like it rough from men with hairy bums — ''NO! Bad Yahtzee!'' I meant to say: and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except that it's ''you'' giving out the candy, and the candy is ''bullets.''

* Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated hold-out position that I gave him a boostie up to as part of a cunning higher ground strategy. But since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse. But since there was now no one to give me a boostie up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal.
* It's repetitive and broken and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play ''Gears of War'' with one hand and ''Splinter Cell'' with the other, then you don't need to play ''Army of Two''. And make sure you film it because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/32-Army-of-Two]

===[[w:No More Heroes (video game)|No More Heroes]]===
* [''[[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]]'s''] last game was [[w:killer7|''killer7'']], and let's get one thing straight: I fucking '''loved''' ''killer7''! There we were, living our gray, predictable lives, playing our gray, predictable games when along came ''killer7'' in a [[w:Coat of many colours|technicolour dream coat]], leaving slightly perplexed joy in the wake of its huge motorbike, showing exactly what could be done when you flaunt [sic] all established convention and just start exploring what can really be done with gaming as an art form. I still don't know how to classify it: puzzle, action/adventure, rail shooter... well, whatever it was, it was a preciously unique amusing cartoon whale in an ocean of second-hand bong water. Now we have ''No More Heroes'', a ''Grand Theft Auto'' clone. [[w:Shine On You Crazy Diamond|&quot;Shine on you crazy diamond,&quot;]] said Yahtzee, his voice thick like sarcastic [[w:Marmite|Marmite]].
* So, I'll say the same thing about ''No More Heroes'' that I say about ''Killer 7'', ''Earthbound'', and Branston pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston pickle '''onto''' ''No More Heroes'', possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/33-No-More-Heroes]

===[[w:Condemned 2: Bloodshot|Condemned 2: Bloodshot]]===
* There's a final boss sequence in [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|''Condemned 1'']] in which you run through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth with a serial killer in hot pursuit. It's really intense and genuinely terrifying, and part of what makes it so effective is that it takes place in a normal house, exactly like, oh say for example, '''YOURS!''' Right down to the psychotic serial killer who lives under your bed and is standing behind you right now but don't look because that'll really piss him off! ''Condemned 2'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[w:Combine (Half-Life 2)|Combine]] would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''I '''wish''' I was fucking kidding.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/34-Condemned-2-Bloodshot]

===[[w:Super Smash Bros. Brawl|Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]===
* As I've said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it'll take is a few more [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boys]] and they'll wank the whole company away! Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the ''fuck'' is [[w: Marth (Fire Emblem)|Marth]], and why is unlocking him considered a reward? Oh and thanks, Nintendo, for putting in a [[w:Lucas_(Mother_3)#Lucas|character]] from [[w:Mother 3|''Mother 3'']], a game you're never going to fucking release outside Japan despite the fact I can fucking guarantee that more people would play it than ''Mario Kart Eleventy Billion: The Next Generation''!
* But really, reviewing ''Smash Bros. Brawl'' is pointless.  Chances are you already know if you like it.  There's a simple test:  When the name &quot;Nintendo Wii&quot; was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an Internet forum?  If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever its faults, and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now, you miserable, fanboy twat.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/35-Super-Smash-Bros-Brawl]

===[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War: Chains of Olympus]]===
* ''Chains of Olympus'' is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the ''God of War'' series, a bunch of games that combine an, at best, loose understanding of Greek mythology with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between excessive and completely off its tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/36-God-of-War-Chains-of-Olympus]
* Around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it &quot;The 'Fuck You' Button.&quot;

===Mailbag Showdown===
* It's true, I didn't like ''Brawl'' before I even started playing; but then the same is true of every game, object, animal and human being I encounter these days. Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it's been a lot easier to just assume everything's shit until it can prove itself otherwise. I like to call it the &quot;Guantanamo Bay&quot; approach to reviewing.
* &quot;I'm not a fanboy - (yes you are!) - but you may have judged Brawl a bit harashly. Nintendo made it so that the players could have fun mercilessly beating the ever-lovi-euh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-theh.&quot; Why am I reminded of the all-purpose theist cop-out argument, &quot;God moves in mysterious ways?&quot; Nintendo is a big boy now, he doesn't need defending. Small-time curmudgeons like me are not going to reduce anyone who works there to tears and they care even less about you. I've never really understood the almost crusader-like fervour that consoles attract. Most people would say it's because your mum is only prepared to buy you one console, and if it turns out you didn't pick the winner, the best thing to do is go into denial until the very fabric of reality spontaneously changes, because God knows that's more likely to happen than you admitting fault.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/37-Mailbag-Showdown]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]===
* About a million years ago, a company called DMA Design created ''Grand Theft Auto'' and discovered that the combination of controversy, wacky humor, and vehicular homicide was a lucrative one indeed. So they made a whole bunch of sequels, threw some TVs out of some hotel windows, and changed their name to [[w:Rockstar Games |&quot;Rockstar&quot;]], in a slightly over-compensatory effort to make us forget that they made ''Lemmings''. Not that there was anything wrong with Lemmings, at least not until the franchise was rigorously milked to it's last sour lumpy dribbles.
* Once you inevitably grow tired of the sandbox mayhem and start on the mission paths, you'll find that ''GTA4'' is initially about as fast-paced as a [[Jacob Bronowski]] [[w:The Ascent of Man|documentary]] playing at half speed. The first hundredweight of missions are virtually all tutorials, which highlights the inherent problem with incorporating so many different gameplay elements that you need to spend half the game explaining the bloody things! You have to learn how to drive cars, how to drive trucks, how to drive geese, how to use your phone, TV, internet, how to fist fight, how to gunfight, how to shoot from cover, how to shoot from the back of a giant tyrannosaurus... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV]

===[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]===
* The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine-gun, rocket-launcher, overpowered-exotic-thing-that-you-never get-ammo-for-and-only-use-in-boss-fights-anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie ''Braindead''. (That's ''Dead-Alive'' if you're American and fat.) As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; ''it shoots shurikens and lightning!'' It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire.
* So  that's ''Painkiller'', more proof that the best way blow off steam is to blow off someone's natches.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller]

===[[w:The World Ends With You|The World Ends With You]]===
* A major thing that turns me off JRPGs, and a lot [[w:Devil May Cry 4|of games]] [[w:Turok (video game)|in general]], is when I don't feel that I, as a player, am contributing anything to the story. All I ever seem to do is wheel the characters from one whingy boring dialogue to the next. Events are driven by ''their'' actions, not mine. All I am is a little angry id who takes over for the combat, spending the rest of the time jumping up and down in the back of the main character's mind yanking on nerve endings, trying to make him stop acting like a pillock.
* What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs the story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought-iron fence made of tigers.
* Is TWEWY a good J-RPG? I have absolutely no idea.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a frightening world I don't understand, treading water on the surface of a deep, deep lake full of weird-smelling creatures with completely alien concepts of fun and a tolerance for boredom to rival the Man in the Iron Mask.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/67-The-World-Ends-With-You]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Oblivion]]===
* You know me; I'm a twitchy, instant-gratification kind of gamer. The sort who isn't happy unless there's a gun the size of a motorbike in his hands and a severed alien willy bouncing off the front of his space helmet. But every now and again, the planets will align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a J-RPG, God no; it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ. But a western RPG, something with goblins and swords and men in loin clothes going on about wenches.
* In ''Oblivion'', you start off in a dungeon in the imperial palace. You're never told what crime you committed; I guess you're supposed to fill in that blank for yourself. So I choose to believe I was in there for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter at the same time while playing a rock guitar solo on the desecrated corpse of God. Anyway, then the Emperor showed up (played by [[w:Patrick Stewart |Captain Picard]]) and I have to say I liked him a lot. He was the only character who actually seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG. He took one look at me, noticed the camera floating behind my head and said, &quot;Oh, bugger. You're the protagonist; guess I have to die now.&quot;  And die he did.
* For a game that is obviously trying so hard, ''Oblivion'' is one of the least immersive RPGs I've ever played. The world map is huge, granted. If you intend to walk from one end to the other, you'd better pack a few sandwiches. But frankly, take one good look around the moment you first emerge blinking into the daylight and you've pretty much seen everything. It's like they took 200 square yards of medieval English countryside, added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/75-Oblivion]

===[[w:Haze (video game)|Haze]]===
* I think it's safe to say that very few people were madly trampling babies underfoot to grab ''Haze'' on launch day - I know whatever atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first-person shooter about space marines. &quot;Whoop-de-fucking-doo,&quot; I thought. &quot;I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate.&quot; But then up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a cornetto every time I pass a 7-11. &quot;Shame on you, Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw!&quot; spake he. &quot;Have you forgotten [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|''Call of Duty 4'']] already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you're no better than [[w:Mass_Effect#Media_coverage_of_the_sex_scene|those dipshits who never played ''Mass Effect'' but condemned it as some kind of child-corrupting boobstravaganza]].&quot;
* The overall message of ''Haze'''s story is that WAR IS BAD! And that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with &quot;whiz bang shooty fun&quot; strikes me as trying to have one's cake and eat it -- a phrase I never really understood, I mean I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There's not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you're a stripper... Sorry, lost my train of thought.
* If you have a liking for ''Halo'', a crippling fear of trying new things, and a desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast, then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then, you might as well buy ''Haze'', you mad bastard.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93-Haze]

===[[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|Metal Gear Solid 4]]===
* I'm going to recount as much of the story as I can before my brain starts to hurt: [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]] is a cloned mercenary who is suffering from premature aging due to a planned obsolescence scheme worthy of Microsoft. He lives with his support character (and &quot;best friend&quot;) Otacon, and the two of them have adopted a child together. (That oozing sound you just heard was made by all the world's homoerotic fan fiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk.) Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his [[w:Liquid Snake|evil clone brother]], who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of - OH CHRIST, I can't go on; this shit is bananas! Play the games themselves if you want to know what's going on, although I can't guarantee that that will be enough - to truly get into the mindset of [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]], you'll have to do something pretty drastic, probably involving experimental brain surgery and a complete ''X-Files'' box set.
* Somebody once said that a politician is a person who can talk for hours and never actually ''say'' anything. If that's true, Hideo Kojima could run for government and be emperor of the universe by mid-afternoon.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/99-Metal-Gear-Solid-4]

===[[w:Webcomic|Webcomics]]===
* Drama is the mortar that holds the webcomic community together, and there are so many wonderful ways to create it. Make absolutely no effort to improve your horrible drawing style, act like a prick at a convention, respond to constructive criticism with hostility, and just generally behave like the kind of monstrous egotist that blossom like mushrooms in the darkened trough of shit that is the Internet. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/108-Webcomics]

===[[w:Lego Indian Jones: The Original Adventures|Lego Indiana Jones]]===
* I've been ignoring the whole Lego-LucasArts coalition so far, partly because, as you'll recall from my ''Psychonauts'' review, LucasArts is run by douchebags, but mainly because it sounds utterly retarded on paper. I mean, once you accept [[w:Lego_Star_Wars:_The_Video_Game|Lego ''Star Wars'']], where does it end? [[w:Playmobil|Playmobil]] [[w:Battlestar Galactica|''Battlestar Galactica''?]] [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] [[w:Firefly (TV show)|''Firefly''?]] [[w:Meccano|Meccano]] [[w:Dune (book)|''Dune''?]] Yeah, I'm done milking that joke. I guess at first I've--  Wait! I've got another one! [[w:Stickle Bricks|Stickle Bricks]] [[w:Babylon 5|''Babylon 5''?]]...Sorry.
* There's this undercurrent of parody about the whole experience which I find rather cathartic. I guess it's because we're taking a film series which prided itself in unexpectedly traumatizing me as a child and totally emasculating it, like if there were a puppet show version of [[w:The Ring (2002 film) |The Ring]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/123-LEGO-Indy]

===[[w:Alone in the Dark (2008 video game)|Alone in the Dark]]===
* I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of ''Alone in the Dark'', what with it apparently being the latest in a long line of &quot;worst games evaar&quot; and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondents' families judging by the way they tearfully e-mail me requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well, I thought, &quot;Fuck those bereaved bastards who think I'm some kind of sweary ninja for hire. I'm gonna play ''Alone in the Dark '' and damn well try to like it.&quot; A few days have passed since then, and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes even the majority can be totally, totally right.
* What's tragic is that the Good Ship ''Alone in the Dark'' can see Port [[w:Silent Hill 2|Good Game]] without a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidentally landed at the Cock-Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution, which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad. &quot;Hey!&quot; said Terry. &quot;Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body.&quot; &quot;Okay!&quot; replies Gonad. &quot;But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!&quot; &quot;Hey again!&quot; says Terry, &quot;how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?&quot; &quot;Okay again!&quot; says Gonad. &quot;Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!&quot; Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
* As a series, ''Alone in the Dark'' has always been about subtle, claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. Now it makes no sense, because you're not alone, and it's not even dark, because everything's on fire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/130-Alone-in-the-Dark]

===[[w:Age of Conan:Hyborian Adventures|Age of Conan]]===
* Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate [[w:MMORPG|mumorpugers]]. I hate what they do to people, turning them into nocturnal blobs of flesh and Cheetos that communicate entirely in mouth-breathing; and I hate when I look back on my time with a mumorpuger and realize that I just flushed away months of my life that I could have spent writing a bestselling book, or raising a child, or pounding nails into my face. But I have had fun with [[w:Hellgate|mumorpugers]] at the time, or rather [[w:World of Warcraft|''a'' mumorpuger]], and since comparison is going to be inevitable, let's just get the fucker over with: ''Age of Conan'' is not ''World of Warcraft.'' Some people might say, &quot;Ooh, maybe it's not trying to be,&quot; but those people are going to Hell for lying because ''all'' MMOs are trying to be ''World of Warcraft'': same controls, same terminology, same arduous blocks of motherfucking grind, same interfaces right down to the quest-givers with big golden exclamations marks growing out of their heads like they just spotted [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4|Solid Snake]] shuffling through the undergrowth.
* There's nothing wrong with being a small part of something bigger than yourself.  That's how an MMO should work -- solidarity, teamwork, joining forty friends to go stomp on a night elf's face. ''Age of Conan'' makes the same mistake as the school system by telling everyone that they're special, thus turning them into entitled twatdonkeys.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/138-Age-of-Conan]

===[[w:E3_2008#2008|The E3 Trailer Park]]===
* I'd like to clarify that somewhere in the flinty pits of my petrified heart I'm open to the possibility of all these games [[w:Gears of War 2|potentially being fun]] (except for ''[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy 13]]'' obviously). But my intention is not to troll for once but to argue that it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. After all, if the [[w:Resident Evil 5|game's]] good, great! But if it's bad you've lost nothing, plus you get the satisfaction of knowing you're cleverer than fanboys, which is right up there with winning a beauty contest against [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] but still, it's a good overall rule: never let yourself get excited by trailers, unless it's the one for the new [[w:Watchmen (2009 film)|Watchmen movie.]] Oh yes, I can never get enough big glowing blue men with their celestial lads hanging out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden II (2008 video game)|Ninja Gaiden 2]]===
* But frankly, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among [[w:Eternal Sonata|Japanese]] [[w:Metal Gear Solid|games]], ''Ninja Gaiden II'' is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|''Metal Gear Solid'']] bullshit of cutscene dialogues that could fill a modest paperback. None of that [[w:Devil May Cry 4|''Devil May Cry'']] cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that [[w:Zelda: Twilight Princess|''Zelda'']]... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going ''Yah!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/175-Ninja-Gaiden-2]

===[[w:Prince of Persia#The Sands of Time series (Ubisoft)|Prince of Persia Retrospective]]===
*Between them, the three ''[[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|Sands]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|Time]]'' games have the ingredients of probably the best game ever, and I don't say that lightly. The first game still very resolutely sits in my [[w:Portal (video game)|top]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|five]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|games]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|of all]] [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|time]], but it could have been better. Like a variant of the [[w:Uncanny valley|uncanny valley effect]], the closer a game gets to ''Portal'' perfection, the more glaring the flaws become, and their attempts to correct those flaws in the sequels were akin to removing flecks of dirt from a birthday cake with a shovel. But we live and learn, so let's move on and hope [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|the new ''Prince of Persia'']] will be as good as ''Sands of Time''. And that my ass will sprout wings and fly me into space! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/183-Prince-of-Persia-Retrospective]

===[[w:Soul Calibur IV|Soul Calibur IV]]===
*I don't really understand fighting games. I don't hate them, but I've never frosted my pants over any of them, either. I just don't ''get'' them. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: &quot;What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're [[w:Sakura (Street Fighter)|a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants]].&quot; But if you want to relieve stress, you take a [[w:cannabis|herbal]] bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost ninety dollars at your local electronics retailer. There's got to be more to it than that.
* Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual. All you need is a picture of the &quot;throw&quot; button and a big arrow pointing to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/189-Soul-Calibur-IV]

===[[w:Braid (video game)|Braid]]===
* And do you know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public — especially you, ''Adrian!'' (That probably isn't your name but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.) Ye unwashed masses who ensure massive profits for the same old [[w:Final Fantasy XII|cookie-cutter]] [[w:Halo 3|sequels]] because anything that isn't ''[[w:Psychonauts|safe]]'' and ''[[w:Beyond Good and Evil|familiar]]'' makes you dive for your security blanket! And since you spent all Daddy's money on a [[w:PlayStation 3|next-generation console]] you won't even give the time of day to anything that doesn't have [[w:Commodore 64|environment-mapped reflective surfaces]] and you're more interested in buying Master Chief novelty condoms than [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|actual gameplay innovation]]! In fact, I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Piss off! Close the browser and fuck off back to [[w:Gears of War|''Gears of War'']]! Has he gone? Good, I hate that guy! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/203-Braid]

===[[w:Eve Online|Eve Online]]===
* The unspoken goal of exploration is to make the entire planet completely boring. Life was at its most interesting back when we still thought grass huts were a bit hoity-toity and when there could have been dragons made of raisin bread over the next hill for all we knew. Nowadays, everything's mapped out. We've even spent enough time on the moon and the very bottom of the ocean to know that: firstly, there aren't any dragons there either; and secondly, we're definitely not in a hurry to go back and double-check. Now it's only the depths of space that remain unexplored and unboring, plenty of gray area where any number of interstellar sparkle dragons could be hiding. ''Eve Online'' does the impossible by making deep space boring, and demonstrates the best way to do that is to let nerds colonize it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/208-Eve-Online]

===[[w:Too Human|Too Human]]===
* I have to admit, though, the story is to be congratulated for taking the fiery, thunderous personalities of the Norse gods and somehow turning them into a bunch of boring, self-righteous, robotic twats with all the warmth and emotion of a glass of water.
* So you'll die. You'll die ''a lot.'' And by Christ does the game want you to know it. A [[w:Valkyr|valkyrie]] who is clearly in no fucking hurry slowly flies down, picks up your corpse, and ascends gently back into heaven as if to say, &quot;There there, baby, it doesn't matter that you're a ten-thumbed cripple who literally can't fight to save their lives; let's get you tucked into beddy-byes.&quot; Then you respawn fifty feet away with no penalties, scratching your head in bewilderment. And this happens ''every time you die!'' You can't skip it! [[w:Silicon Knights|No one]] could look at this and think, &quot;Yep, this will never get old!&quot; The only remaining explanation is that this is some kind of test - maybe if anyone defends this on a forum, they automatically get added to the government depopulation list because their minds are clearly deviant and must be purged! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human]

===[[w:Spore (video game)|Spore]]===
* If there's one thing history has taught us (besides not to piss off people called Genghis, or put lead in your water pipes), it's that if you're going to make something incredibly good that becomes frighteningly popular, make sure it's the last thing you ever make in your entire life. Because otherwise you get to spend the rest of your creative career struggling under the weight of high expectations and bricks.
* You also get to design your own buildings and vehicles further down the line; so if all you're after is some kind of 3D art program for eight-year-olds, ''Spore'' is definitely for you. If you're holding out for an actual game, then you get to eat shit.  But never mind; you can always design a creature that looks like a huge cock and imagine it pounding you in the arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/218-Spore]

===[[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed|XBLA]] [[w:Castle Crashers|Double Bill]]===
* ''(On [[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed |Bionic Commando Rearmed]])'' But the question this all raises is whether a remake should just blithely parrot the gameplay mechanics of the original, or take the opportunity to improve upon them with our enlightened future space technology? Well the second one obviously, you thick berk. There's nothing inherently sacred about game design from the olden days. They're just old, and wrinkly, and fat, and no one but the utterly depraved wants to sleep with them.
* ''(On [[w:Castle Crashers |Castle Crashers]])'' While the little big-headed characters are fun to look at, in big fights with lots of similarly sized chaps, it's easy to lose sight of the one you're controlling. And this becomes doubly unfair in big boss fights when the big boss's main strategy is to conceal your character's location behind their mountainous flab. At least in ''Golden Axe'' you could play as the amazon lady and navigate by her unfeasible boobies.  This is like watching midget identical twins wrestling and trying to remember which one you put money on.
* Nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything — the stupid, diminutive cunts — and you weren't any different. Games, or should I say the potential for games, has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, winding twenty-somethings of the future, they'll be declaring that ''Halo 3'' was miles better than a game of ''Interstellar Bum Pirates'' on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both ''Zelda: Twilight Princess'' and ''Super Mario Sunshine'' '''before''' I played ''Ocarina of Time'' and ''Mario 64'', and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way! Drink down that burn sauce, fatboy! Also, I think Hitler was right! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/222-XBLA-Double-Bill]

===[[w:Mercenaries 2: World in Flames|Mercenaries 2]]===
* There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|Ivy from ''Soulcalibur'']]'s pants ride up, and which are perfectly natural for growing young men. I mean the thought that goes, &quot;But I might need it later&quot; — the niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[w:Giant Enemy Crab|giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab just around the corner. No game illustrates this phenomenon better than ''Mercenaries 2'' or, as I like to call it, &quot;Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes.&quot;
* Actually this is something I've been meaning to bring up, miss: Why does the C.E.O. of our private military company have to do all the missions personally with no backup except for an Irish chopper pilot who abandons his mission when the enemy chuck anything larger than a scone at him? Actually, working alone might be for the best. The A.I. is so thick, it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion, I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/231-Mercenaries-2]

===[[w:Star Wars:The Force Unleashed|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed]]===
* Apparently the plot is supposed to tie the ''Star Wars'' prequel trilogy to the original series, which raises the obvious question: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING? It's like tying your breakfast to a plague rat. The grubby fingerprints of George Lucas are all over the story in that none of the characters are in the slightest bit relatable. That, however, could be because of the Wii graphics limitations making them all look like Gerry Anderson puppets of stroke victims.
* ''The Force Unleashed'' on the Wii did not endear itself to me. I don't blame [[w:Krome Studios|the developers]], and I'm not just saying that because they're based in [[w:Brisbane|this city]] and might kill me. I blame the Wii for being tightfisted with its [[w:Wii MotionPlus|hardware upgrades]]; I blame myself for failing to research the [[w:Xbox 360|different]] [[w:PlayStation 3|versions]]; I blame [[w:Michael Atkinson|Michael Atkinson]], the attorney general of South Australia, for quite a few [[w:Office_of_Film_and_Literature_Classification_(Australia)|unrelated things]]; but most of all I blame George Lucas, that hirsute chinless git, pummeling his own franchises with such ham-handedness you could put a piece of bread around each of his mitts and call them BLTs! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/251-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed]

===[[w:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky|S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]]===
* I don’t think I would do very well in a real-world combat scenario. I hate being shouted at and I can’t run very fast while wearing a backpack the size of a cow. Before I would willingly enter a gunfight, the enemy are going to have to strap big glowing red arrows to their heads and promise to stand next to windows, loudly vocalizing every thought that crosses their minds. And by the time my comrades have persuaded them to do that, I’ll have remembered that I’m a massive coward and legged it.
* You know how in most FPSs you're some kind of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take an entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whipped crème and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going in to this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up. The player can't survive more than a measly handful of bullets ripping through their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd  be nothing left but a spinal column and the cornflakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/271-S-T-A-L-K-E-R-Clear-Sky]

===[[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|Silent Hill Homecoming]]===
* The trademark sense of isolation is another point the game misses like a champ, when you are given a spunky female sidekick. This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about.
* It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. 
* Maybe if the original creators of something don't want to continue it then you should listen to them, because otherwise you're only making it to please the fans. And why would you want to do anything for fans? I mean, I'm a Silent Hill fan and I've just spent the whole review whining like a broken motor. Fans are clingy, complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any [[w:Spider-Man 3|concession]] you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices, the happier you'll be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/284-Silent-Hill-Homecoming]

===[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]===
* It just struck me that whenever there's a sandbox crime game, it's always the same gangs: Italians, Yakuza, or street gangsters. You're always either going on about respect, honor, or wearing your belt around your thighs. Y'know what there needs to be? A sandbox crime game where you play a Batman villain! You run around doing dastardly crime equipped with freeze rays and jetpacks, completing story missions that lead up to you building a giant brightly colored doomsday machine shaped like a top hat or something. Then Batman comes along and beats you up because you forgot to strap him into your overly-elaborate, slow-moving death trap, then you mysteriously evade capture in order to come back and do it all again next week. Sadly mankind has yet to recognize my genius, which is incidentally the title I have mind for this project.
* ''Saints Row 2'' shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are dickheads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|If you try to stop them]] doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does ''Saints Row 2'' not stop you, but it keeps score. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/312-Saints-Row-2]

===[[w:Dead Space|Dead Space]]===
* Just for once, I'd like to see a spaceship in a horror game that actually seems like it might have been a nice place to live. You know, tasteful light fittings, elegant laquered wood panels, or at the very least, throw a fucking carpet down now and again. At least that way, it would almost be a surprise when it gets invaded by a horde of flesh-eating mutants. Frankly, if you paint your spaceship gunmetal-gray and fit it with about half as many flickery-ass fluorescent lights as are necessary, then you might as well rename it the USS ''Kill Beast Buffet''!
* I've heard people praise how scary it is, but really all it does is startle, and that's not difficult. I was startled when a possum jumped into my window; that doesn't make it the marsupial answer to Stanley Kubrick![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/333-Dead-Space]

===[[w:Fable II|Fable 2]]===
* The first thing you're gonna need is money. Questing doesn't pay as well as it used to, so you have to get a job. I guess I missed the short story where Conan the Barbarian took up bartending but-- ''No! Bad Yahtzee! Life simulator! Life simulator! Adjust expectations!'' Okay then. You know how in ''The Sims'' you could get a job as a mailroom clerk? You remember how you had to go into the office every single in-game day and play a little mini-game where you fling envelopes into pigeon holes? Of course not! Because it would have been ''really fucking boring!''

* Then you have the option of marrying someone, although why you'd want to is a question the game skillfully avoids. Everyone has the same voices and endlessly repeated dialogue lines, so you'll run into nine clones of your beloved down any given street and none of them will get their tits out when you're bonking them. These are just a few of the excellent reasons why I grew bored after around twelve minutes of happy marriage and decided it was time to murder my entire family. This was the point when I discovered you can't kill children, of course. So much for ''total freedom,'' eh? What, so it's all right for [[w:&quot;Dirty&quot; Harry Callahan|someone else]] to shoot me in the face and throw me off a building when I'm a kid; but the moment I try to spread the love, then ooh, suddenly we're getting ''off message''? And while we're on the subject, why can't I marry my '''dog'''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/346-Fable-2]

===[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]===
* If I had [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson's]] phone number, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd nervously call him up and blurt out something about how ''Darkman'' was all right before slamming the receiver down and running away. But hypothetically, if I wasn't an ''idiot'' and talked him into doing voices for my video game, I'd have him voice a character named Captain Dynamite, who has the face of [[Frank Zappa]] and nuclear missiles instead of legs. He'd fly around the player in a magic space buggy for the entire course of the game sprinkling rose petals and friendship. What I'm saying is I'd make the most of the talent. Bethesda seems to be in the habit of hiring the biggest name voice actors they can find, and having their character drop off the face of the earth before you've even picked a class. They did it to Captain Picard in ''Oblivion'' and now they've done it to Oskar Schindler in ''Fallout 3''.
* Games have spent the last twenty years ingraining into me the instinct that being the stalwart hero of the land basically overrules society's petty ownership laws. Rather an objectivist philosophy on reflection, but I'll be buggered before I unlearn that for one fucking game! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/420-Fallout-3]

===[[w:Guitar Hero World Tour|Guitar Hero World Tour]]===
* The first problem we ran into was that no one wanted to sing! This is less a problem with ''World Tour'' specifically, and more an inherent problem with [[w:Rock Band (video game)|the original concept]], and possibly with the people I hang around with. You see, people who like pretend guitar are introverted nerds who picture themselves as the aloof, crazy-skilled lead guitarist whose hands rattle away at the strings like nervous little crabs while he stares into the middle distance pretending to have forgotten he's holding it. Whereas people who like pretend singing are either screechy center-of-attention types or a normal person who has rendered themselves massively drunk and stumbled upon a jukebox full of [[w:Every Rose Has Its Thorn|80s power ballads]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/452-Guitar-Hero-World-Tour]

===[[w:Mirror's Edge|Mirror's Edge]]===
* For most people, a demo for ''Mirror's Edge'' colored their expectations a shimmering gold, only to realize once they bought the full game that they had been seeing the light reflecting off a stream of piss.
* And yeah, maybe it would be realistic for all that white scenery combined with bright sunlight to bleed together into a big blinding blob, but it doesn't help you avoid dropping off a building for the umpteen bazillionth time. &quot;Oh,&quot; says ''Mirror's Edge'', here manifesting as a designer with a bicycle pump embedded in his skull. &quot;Well, since that's your problem, I guess I'll just set half the game in linear claustrophobic tunnels that undermine the very concept of free running, and then fill them with excessive bloom anyway!&quot; So he did. And then he ate his own shoes. So, essentially flawed concept, dodgy detection, indecisive design, muddy story, unlikeable characters, shocking brevity: put them all together and you get ''essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity!'' And of course ''Mirror's Edge.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/457-Mirrors-Edge]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead|Left 4 Dead]]===
* It's my observation that zombies are second only to ninjas, pirates, and monkeys in the list of things that nerds like and need to shut the fuck up about. They watch movies about them, they dress up like them and wander around irritating commuters in major cities; and it seems every time a hot new engine comes out, some craven optimist will try to make a zombie mod for it, post up one gun model and a piece of concept art before the level designer remembers he's only worked in Lego and the whole thing falls apart. I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs.
* ...The repetition is eased by the so-called &quot;AI Director&quot; -- an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows, who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the points when you need it, and a billion zombies whenever he's bored (which is all the time). Anthropomorphizing the system was probably a shrewd idea, because when cocks rocket skyward, everyone likes having someone to blame who can't defend themselves. I saw someone pray to the AI Director once; this is probably how cults get started![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/459-Left-4-Dead]

===[[w:Sonic Unleashed|Sonic Unleashed]]===
* Sonic the Hedgehog is sort of a rock star of the video gaming industry. He fronted a succession of [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (game)|extremely]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2|popular]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 3|titles]], made enough money to buy St. Paul's Cathedral and grind it into a fine snortable powder, hung around with a lot of [[w:Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower|suspiciously effeminate young boys]], abused a number of [[w:Sonic 3D|forbidden substances]], spiraled downward as inevitably as Al-Qaeda Airways, weathered a few [[w:Sonic and the Secret Rings|very]] [[w:Sega Superstars Tennis|embarrassing]] [[w:Sonic Adventure 2|attempts]] to regrab the spotlight, and now his shows are attended only by people's dads, who can only shake their heads in despair at the unshaven drug-addled spaz on stage whose pathetic [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 game)|spurts of activity]] masquerading as entertainment only serve to highlight both his and his audience's mutual decline into inexorable piss-dribbling old age. All he needs to do now is hang himself on a doorknob while having a wank!
* It's a fairly safe assumption that anyone who ever had any actual talent at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company to an invading force of leprous retards who create design documents by flicking fountain pens at a pile of shredded paper.
* This isn't the game for you if you like jumping right into the action. Come to think of it, this isn't the game for you even if you don't! I'm not sure what kind of person could consider this the game for them, but they probably live in a cave and subsist on raw fish!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/472-Sonic-Unleashed]

===[[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|Prince of Persia]]===
* The ''Prince of Persia'' series as it stands can best be equated to a man who owns a goose that once, when the conditions were exactly right and after being fed a particular kind of food, laid a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|golden egg]]. He then spent the next few years experimenting with the goose's bedding and vitamin intake hoping to recreate the ideal conditions, and after nothing more than a couple of [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|bronze]] and [[w: Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|silver]] eggs plopped out he went the scientific route of chopping it into fritters looking for the secret. And after that didn't work he hastily stitched it back together, dressed it up in glittery fabric and attached some googly eyes. And that's the new ''Prince of Persia'', an appealingly gaudy appearance that fails to disguise the fact that the old bird is ''dead inside''.
* To utterly misquote Benjamin Franklin, &quot;He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/482-Prince-of-Persia]

===[[w:2008 in video gaming|Awards for 2008]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Turd in a Chocolate Box Award for Surprising Poor Quality: [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Mirror's Edge'' was a hot contender for this award, until I remembered that the game's badness didn't come as any surprise to me because it was by EA, and I am apparently more skilled in pattern recognition than most. So the award goes to none other than ''Grand Theft Auto IV'', which decided that the best way to bring in specialty madcap sandbox fun into the new console generation was to dip the graphics in filthy dishwater, construct all the vehicles from depleted uranium, and break up the gameplay every five minutes to make you wheel your fat cousin to places and shovel burgers into his gob. Congratulations go out to all at Rockstar, as soon as someone wakes them up. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Underworld|Tomb Raider: Underworld]]===
* Tomb Raider Underworld's story goes as follows. Lara's looking for her mum, who is dead, only she isn't really; she's just stuck in the afterlife, so maybe she is dead, I dunno. And there's this evil lady who blows up Lara's house because... er... I guess she really doesn't want Lara to find her mum. The story follows on from [[w:Tomb Raider: Legend|''Tomb Raider: Legend'']], which I haven't played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered: Absolutely bloody no one! Especially not myself. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/502-Tomb-Raider-Underworld]

===[[w:Far Cry 2|Far Cry 2]]===
* [[w:University of California, Davis|You see,]] for sandbox gameplay to work, you need a deeply varied world that calls for exploration (a la [[w:Saints Row 2|''Saints Row 2'']]) and/or some kind of clear ultimate goal hovering overhead (a la [[w:Assassin's Creed|''Assassin's Creed'']]). ''Far Cry 2'' has neither. Its approach is to plunk us without instruction in the middle of nowhere and knock off for lunch. It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild, only for it bewilderedly sit on a daisy for several hours before a [[w:Bear Grylls|predator]] comes along and bites its entire body off. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/510-Far-Cry-2]

===[[w:Gears of War 2|Gears of War 2]]===
* ...This is a game for big manly men with pecs like paving slabs. Anyone who shows any emotion besides grim determination or detached gallows humor is going to either die or get his balls kicked so hard that they blast out of his ears. Other ways to tempt fate in this universe include wearing a helmet, not having a sense of humor, and basically being anyone but the kind of person who'd replace their genitals with a minigun if they thought they could get away with it and found something else they could piss out of!
* It's worth remembering that sometimes popular things are popular for a reason -- because they're good, or because Will Smith is in it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/525-Gears-of-War-2]

===[[w:LittleBigPlanet|Little Big Planet]]===
* I feel there's a fundamental difference of philosophy between me and the developers of ''LittleBigPlanet''. They believe that every single person is an [[w:Dr. Manhattan|extra-special god-child]] with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower; and I believe that every single person is a tosser, and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried under garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers, all of which the moderators hastily delete along with anything that looks at them funny. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/530-Little-Big-Planet]

===[[w:Thief:The Dark Project|Thief: The Dark Project]]===
* So it was left to ''Thief'' to have strange and deviant thoughts like, &quot;What if there was a first-person game where you were trying to achieve something other than genocide, where even one or two measly deaths would have the game slap your hands away from the controls and yell, 'What the fuck?'&quot; And thus was born the stealth-em-up.
* Not that a reasonable person could profitably ogle the guards and civilians in ''Thief''. This was still early days of full 3D, so they all looked and moved like badly made origami polio victims. But there was nothing more impishly entertaining than hiding in a shadow listening to a pair of thicko guards discuss nose picking strategies. Then when they heard your stifled giggling, there was nothing more tense than standing stock-still with breath caught as the aforesaid thickoes peered searchingly into the shadows, so close you could practically see their polygonal nostril hairs quivering, as you pray to a god you never believed in that they'll turn around and facilitate a nice swift bop across the bonce. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/544-Thief-The-Dark-Project]

===[[w:Skate 2|Skate 2]]===
* The main character is a faceless, voiceless, nameless jerk who is incarcerated in a prison whose entire inmate population consists of skaters and whose friends instantly assume they'll want to start skating again once he gets out -- which you can't refuse because you can't fucking speak! -- lending credence to the theory that, rather than being heaven for skaters, this is some kind of hell for people  who call skaters masochistic twats.
* I dunno; I can see how ''Skate 2'' would be fun and satisfying for someone who knew what the hell they were doing, but the path to becoming that sort of someone is so arduous and frustrating you're more likely to just yell, &quot;Fuck it!&quot; and go back to ''Rockband''. Maybe today will be the day I finally complete ''Green Hills and High Tides'' [sic] on expert.
* Personally, I felt more sympathetic for the police than the skaters in this game no matter how often they were depicted as power-tripping authoritarian toolbags diabolically infringing upon our personal right to fling ourselves at top speed down a busy pavement and knock somebody's mum into the path of a Fiat Bravo! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/553-Skate-2]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 2|Fear 2]]===
* And of course there's ''F.E.A.R.'''s ongoing pretensions to being horror games. Amusingly there are several occasions when a scary set piece will rely upon you looking in a certain direction at a certain time, which in many cases you won't be. So, while a ghostly vision farts about off-screen, the soundtrack will give a sudden violin shriek while you stare at a menacing window sill.
* Now I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine a world where [[w:Rocky IV|sequels]] are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we'd miss out on genuinely good sequels like [[w:Thief II: The Metal Age|''Thief 2'']] or [[w:Half-Life 2|''Half-Life 2'']], but I think that's a [[w:Metal Gear Solid IV|small]] [[w:Halo 3|price]] to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no [[w:George Lucas|franchises]], so there'd be less fandom, so all the nerds will go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases.  And best of all, endings would have to have some ''fucking closure!'' Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous &quot;to be continued&quot; bullshit, [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (game)|when you have no idea if you'll even make a sequel]], will be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|recurring themes and metaphors]], and [[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|remakes]] will carry the ''death penalty!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Web of Shadows|Spiderman: Web of Shadows]]===
* I know that Spiderman's flaws and humanity are central to his character -- great responsibility, Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy, clone saga, derpy derpy doo -- but I'm sure there's a way to bring that across without making him a whiny little bitch! I don't know who they got to do the voice but he badly needs to make his balls drop, with pliers if necessary.
* ''Web of Shadows'' makes the high-speed web-slinging stay in mopping the floors while the combat goes out to beat up faggots. And combats are never going to be unique again. [[w:God Hand|Fists,]] [[w:God of War (video game)|chains,]] [[w: Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|ropes with spikes on the end,]] [[w:Call of Duty|guns,]] [[w:Ninja Gaiden|swords,]] [[w:Final Fantasy VIII|guns that are also swords]] -  these are all roads well traveled. If I want to hurt people I'll play ''[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War]]'', or prowl the homeless shelters with a knife and garrote wire, but if I want to swing around on webs very fast I'll play ''Spider-Man''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/584-Spiderman-Web-of-Shadows]

===[[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|House of the Dead: Overkill]]===
* ''House of the Dead'' [[w:The House of the Dead 2 &amp; 3 Return|as a series]] has long been the butt of jokes for its atrocious stories, disastrous translation and calamitous voice acting; but at the same time it's also got a history of canny self-parody. [[w:The House of the Dead 2|''House of the Dead 2'']] was re-released as [[w:Typing of the Dead|a surprisingly hilarious typing tutor]] in which the guns were replaced by magical keyboards that blew off zombie limbs and heads with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs, and which I heartily recommend to anyone who feels that zombie massacres need not be precluded from the development of secretarial skills. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/600-House-of-the-Dead-Overkill]

===[[w:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand|50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]]===
* You know what? A society where [[w:Ninja|anyone]] can make jokes about [[w:Pirate|anyone else]] and everyone laughs is a truly tolerant society. Political-correctness-charged censorship only serves to engender [[w:Pirates versus Ninjas|resentment and distance between social groups]]. Besides, gangster rappers don't need defending, they've got guns for that!
* All the other characters talk and act like they're in a rejected Indiana Jones plot; eloquently soliloquizing their motivations while 50 Cent swaggers about slurring thick urban dialect, sticking out like a sausage roll in a soufflé. But if this were deliberate, it would imply some level of sophistication on the part of the writer, which I can't accept. If it were an Indiana Jones plot, it'd be one dictated by a Phantom Menace era George Lucas to a secretary who doesn't speak English.
* Remove your presumptions and we find ourselves playing a game about an extremely rich man, who wears two hats for no adequate reason, destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself -- presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/616-50-Cent-Blood-on-the-Sand]

===[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]===
* ''(on the game's inventory system)'' And here's the really fun part: If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space, too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor! It's all such a fucking unintuitive nuisance, and whoever came up with it should be sent to a special hell where he has to pack shopping for crotchety old women! ...Or perhaps just punched in the stomach.
* But let’s close this review with a revisit of [[w:Resident_Evil_5#Allegations_of_racism|that lovely matter of racism]] that’s been hanging around like a bad smell. ''RE5'' actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. ''Oh, dears!'' Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one really shouldn't worry about this sort of thing unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. [[w:Capcom|Capcom]] aren't bad people, they're just idiots. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/624-Resident-Evil-5]

===[[w:Halo Wars|Halo Wars]]===
* The story so far: I'm embarking upon an occasional quest to play games belonging to [[w:Madden NFL 2009|genres]] I've never really gotten into; a campaign I thoroughly expect to wholeheartedly regret the next time a big [[w:Eternal Sonata|JRPG]] comes out, but mostly due to my excremental boredom with the procession of identical [[w: Halo 3|powered-armor]] [[w:Gears of War 2|space marines]] that clog up mainstream action gaming like so much hyper-masculine mildew. As part of this venture I've been playing ''Halo Wars'', which may come across as a curious choice because it's a game about identical powered-armor space marines — GYAAARGH!
* The business of selecting units is also a right ass, and that may sound like a small complaint, but small things can lead to big problems, like a tiny piece of broken glass lodged in a urinary tract. Games that evolved in PC waters have trouble adapting to a non-mouse controlled environment and RTS is no exception. Lacking click-and-drag, all you can do is select one prick, select one prick and all his prick friends standing within a fixed diameter, select all the pricks on the current screen, or call a great big all-map prick hoedown. So if you just want to, say, select all your flying pricks for a strategic insertion, then you're going to have a bit of prick trouble beyond the might of any soothing cream. 
* [About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after a timer ran out] &quot;We lost contact!&quot; went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words &quot;WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.&quot; appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their [[w:battle-royale-film|Battle Royale]] collars explode!? Did they [[w:Seppuku|lose honor and disembowel themselves]]? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole '''fucking''' mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars|Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars]]===
* The DS meanwhile is not a turd (and good thing, too, with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kinda does its own thing,  It does it well, but ''GTA'' is from a different world. ''Chinatown Wars'' is therefore the bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers from two warring families, tragically shot dead while trying to elope by a hired gun (played in this drama by myself), too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.
* It seems that the weird thing about ''Chinatown Wars'' so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults. Stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality — all the foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/657-Grand-Theft-Auto-Chinatown-Wars]

===[[w:MadWorld|MadWorld]]===
* There really needs to be a name for this sub-genre, so I'm going to make one up: ''spectacle fighters'' - games in which most of the standard baddies are about as effectual as a panda's love spuds, and the emphasis is less on them being challenges to get past and more on them being squirty punching bags to be dispatched in the most spectacular ways. ''[[w:Devil May Cry|Devil May Cry]]'', ''[[w:Viewtiful Joe|Viewtiful Joe]]'', ''[[w:God Hand|God Hand]]'' and arguably ''[[w:Manhunt|Manhunt]]'' are the foamy-mouthed horses that already populate this rowdy stable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/673-MadWorld]

===[[w:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.|Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]]===
* Now I'm no expert on this (or indeed, anything except dick analogies) but I do know that modern military jets are very fucking fast things. By the time you see one it's already over there, so combat in such a thing would usually amount to pressing a button and watching something half a mile behind you burst into flames, and that's not just idle fact it's cold hard speculation. But real life makes not for entertainment, so for this game we're all just going to dogfight in jets like it's nineteen-forty-fucking-five, okay?
* The PMC  point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. ''But then!'' They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X]

===[[w:Siren Blood Curse|Siren Blood Curse]]===
* [[w:Silent Hill 2|Survival horror]] is what I might call my &quot;pet&quot; genre, a pet I keep in the tool shed and feed broken glass, and in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008 my awards for last year] I accused [[w:Dead Space (game)|everything that claimed survival horror status]] of being nothing but a parade of action games where some of the enemies jump very suddenly out of cupboards. But some viewers took issue with that: &quot;What about ''Siren Blood Curse''?&quot; they cried. &quot;While you were blindly clinging to the hope that [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|the new developers would recover ''Silent Hill'' from the dustbin]] with the baked beans and fish heads cleaned off, the PS3 was enjoying a true original survival horror game full of all that Japanese-style horror you hold in such high esteem, watashi wa baka gaijin, etc. etc.&quot; So, all right, I guess I'm going to have to put my hands up to that one. Yes, there was at least one survival horror game last year - it's just that it was ''rubbish''.
* That's the other major problem I have: When you play ''Siren'', you do things it's way. It has that adventure game problem of every challenge having one ''and only one'' solution. &quot;You will step in line, motherfucker, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off back to your sandbox.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/696-Siren-Blood-Curse]

===[[w:The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena|The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena]]===
* My theory is that ''Dark Athena'' consists of two mission packs that were inexpertly mashed together, after it became clear that the second one was too short and too shit. It's in this chapter that we're introduced to the &quot;spider turret&quot;, a small wall-mounted enemy that is very hard to spot and which can knock off all your health in two hits from two continents away -- an enemy which can only have been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of sixteenth century puritans working to eliminate the very concept of fun.
* Riddick in [[w:Pitch Black (film)|''Pitch Black'']] had some personality, a sense of humor, actual flaws and ambiguous morals — you know, like what us tiresome ''human beings'' have. But now he's just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growl threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that are supposed to make him sound like a warrior poet but more give the impression that he has fortune cookie papers glued to the inside of his goggles! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/714-The-Chronicles-of-Riddick-Assault-on-Dark-Athena]

===[[w:Valkyria Chronicles|Valkyria Chronicles]]===
* Work has been put into giving every soldier a distinct face, personality, and one-line back story, which is probably just intended to make us give a shit, but was really useful in helping me remember the useless fatheads. There was this one guy, a sniper, looked like he was suffering from reverse aging and he just felt his testicles being absorbed into his body, seemed to hit maybe one out of every ten shots, and every time I brought him along, the enemy would always aim for him first. It was uncanny. It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull sucked every passing bullet right into his face.
* ''Valkyria Chronicles'' helped me come to two distressing realizations about myself -- firstly, that I might technically be a Nazi sympathizer; and secondly, that turn-based strategy is something I might be able to get into. Here and there in battle, I caught myself getting slightly entertained. but ''Valkyria Chronicles'' messes itself around too much. Aside from the action being outnumbered five to one by cutscenes and muddy menu-driven micromanagement motherfuckery, enemies should not be able to shoot you when it's not their fucking turn! It's like an opponent in chess flicking elastic bands at your pawns while you're trying to think. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/724-Valkyria-Chronicles]

===[[w:Velvet Assassin|Velvet Assassin]]===
* So it's a third person stealth game with a ''Splinter-Cell''-crossed-with-''Hitman''-crossed-with-''Schindler's-List'' sort of feel, with a dash of ''Thief's'' atmosphere and a sprinkling of ''Metal Gear Solid's'' confused vaguely anti-war bullshit message.
* I have a special little black hole in my cold obsidian heart for stealth gameplay, but it's like owning a tiger. It's very impressive if you know how to look after it, but if you don't you're going to be cleaning massive dollops of your former children off of the kitchen floor. Instant game-overs the moment the guards so much as smell your farts are an example of bad stealth. And while ''Velvet Assassin'' does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, you have a bad haircut, so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen ''hyperbolillionth'' time.
* One thing's for sure: This definitely wasn't an American production because, if it was, it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violet watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and ''Valkyria Chronicles'', what's with all the World War Two games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/739-Velvet-Assassin]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever]]===
*My one criticism for ''Duke Nukem Forever'' is that it comes on fourteen DVDs, but I'd expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display, and a good thing too. I mean, hypothetically, if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super-game and had merely been jerking off for twelve years, then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys, but there are also investors (who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people) who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they've never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining than a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people who still genuinely believe that something half-decent could come out of this rigmarole would say, &quot;That's tragic.&quot; '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that is not tragic, that is how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by Social Services. But anyway, the point was, I'm just glad I don't live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I'd better stop here, because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we'd go pony trekking under the sea. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever]

===[[w:Bionic Commando (2009 video game)|Bionic Commando]]===
*The bionic commando, a character so lasting and dynamic that I completely forgot his name, is on death row for... being a bionic commando apparently. But then a group of radical bionics nuke a city to make everyone realize what harmless and level-headed people they are, so the government give our hero his arm back and send him in, but they call him up every five minutes to call him a tosser so at least they're not hypocrites. Also, there's a subplot concerning his missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is ''officially'' the most ''retarded'' thing I've heard since I called the walrus hotline! Whatever, I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch - I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/759-Bionic-Commando]

===[[w:Infamous (video game)|inFamous]]===
*In my [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2 ''FEAR 2'' review] I made the point that government supersoldier projects are a flawed premise because any death machine with free will will inevitably notice that there's something iffy about taking orders from cabals of aging generals when they could beat bears to death from across the room using only their prostates. If superpowers are to be had handing them out to random passers-by seems as good a system as any, because then we could all ask ourselves whether we'd use the gift to help people or blow up the entire world. Of course I would ask why we can't have more options. Can't I just help people as a day job and destroy the world on the weekends? Or maybe I'd just fuck the whole complicated business and go back to working at Wal-Mart, using my powers to jump-start the little carts the fatties ride around on.
* Anyway, everyone knows that a ''really'' evil person would take the good options to create a facade of benevolence while slowly building their power base and public confidence until, just when you least expect it... '''BAM!''' Off-world slavery. And even then the Republicans would probably still vote for them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/767-inFamous]

===[[w:Electronic Entertainment Expo 2009|The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]]===
*'''[[w:Kinect|Project Natal!]]''' I know they pronounced it &quot;Nat-ahl&quot;, but I'm going to keep calling it &quot;Nay-tal&quot; because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a [[w:Milo and Kate|dead-eyed CG ten-year-old]] while [[w:Peter Molyneux|Peter Molyneux]] stands in the background gushing about it. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one &quot;unwinds&quot; by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre]
*'''[[w:Sonic All-Stars Racing|Sonic All-Stars Racing!]]''' First thought: &quot;Why the fuck does [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic the Hedgehog]] need a car?&quot; Second thought: &quot;Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?&quot;

===[[w:Prototype (video game)|Prototype]]===
*''Prototype'' still wins, though, because a sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[w:Infamous_(video_game)|Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly like emo Peter Pan. I'd say it was, &quot;Made of win,&quot; but if I did I'd have to strangle myself.
* Again, zapping people in the balls is really the only schadenfreude to be had in ''inFamous'', and ''Prototype'' absolutely skull-fucks it in the dicking around event: Eat an old man, take his appearance, run all they way up the tallest building, then elbow-drop two hundred stories directly onto his confused and frightened wife. Then sneak up behind two soldiers and eat one without his friend noticing, then when the two of you get back to base, accuse your friend of being you in disguise.  Then when all the other soldiers are distracted shooting him, EAT THEM, TOO! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/789-Prototype]

===[[w:The Sims 3|The Sims 3]]===
* Truly, my objection comes because what I am is a critic of ''games'', not a critic of computer programs that you just fuck around in!
*This may sound a little bit hysterical but ''The Sims'' is probably the most evil game in the world. It's not the [[w:Manhunt (video game)|''Manhunt'']] kind of evil that convinces children to put each others' heads in plastic bags - that's pussy evil. It's not even the [[w:World of Warcraft|''World of Warcraft'']] type of evil that turns millions of people into mindless zombies, doomed to walk the earth devouring pizza and Cheetos. No, ''The Sims'' is evil out of a sense of underlying wrongness. Despite physical appearance every character feels the same, a facade of wholesomeness stretched over a dead empty interior, a hive-like community of beings who make an effort to imitate human behavior but don't quite grasp the subtleties. And you just know that if you peel their skin back you'll find reptilian scales or a black chitinous exoskeleton. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/800-The-Sims-3]

===[[w:Ghostbusters: The Video Game|Ghostbusters: The Video Game]]===
*People or properties more commonly associated with famous [[w:Steven Spielberg|movies]], [[w:Clive Barker|books]], birthday card messages, etc, decide to grace the video game industry with [[w:Boom Blox|their]] [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|presence]] and everyone's all like, &quot;Ooh, show us how it's done great sensei, because we've honestly just been guessing up to now!&quot; It belies not only the endless disrespect video games receive, but also gaming's collective self-esteem problem. If something worked as a movie, then that qualifies it to work as a sequence of amusing lights and sounds that hold the average scumbag's jaw slacked for around two hours. Whereas a video game has to stand up to about ten hours of unpleaseable nerds like me turning over every rock looking for stuff to complain about. My point is, asking a filmmaker to make a game is like asking a sausage maker to suck off a pig. You can sort of see the logical connection there, but it's a completely different skillset and the effort will just leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/811-Ghostbusters-The-Video-Game]

===[[w:Overlord 2|Overlord 2]]===
*''Overlord 2'' plonks you in the usual generic fantasy world and into the big Renaissance Faire booties of some guy who at least subscribes to the same magazines as [[w:Sauron|Lord Sauron]], and your task is to use an army of giggling imp minions to... Actually that's a good point; what the fuck are we doing here? Taking over the world, probably, not that they ever tell you that. I guess once you put your big spiky helmet on over your glowing eyes and raised an army of demons to do your bidding, you can't exactly go back to business school.
* Also, is there a specific imp who has died and for whom you had a particular fondness? No there isn't, you fucking liar, they're all identical! But just in case there is (if you're the kind of person who assigns personalities to their dining room chairs), then you can resurrect specific ones for a small price, you weirdo. You see, the imps fail to endear themselves to me, which could be because they control like ass! A fat one to be precise, sitting on a pair of stilts with roller skates on the end.
* You see, while it is true that people enjoy being a dick in games, it stops being fun when the game actually wants you to be a dick. It's less about dickishness itself and more about defying the rules. That's why it's more fun to be a dick in, say, ''Half Life 2'' because the game is desperately trying to make you out as the hero even while you're jumping on someone's head throwing broken bottles into people's eyes. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/822-Overlord-2]

===[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]===
*After that a load of boring plot happened, and I was let into the real game and still brimming with [[w:Thor|Viking rage]], my first instinct was to see what effect [[w:Mjöllnir|Mjöllnir]] would have on the nearest human being. For the first blow they just told me to stop arsing around, and on the second their spine snapped neatly in half. Hah! Teach him to tell me what to do. But then a little message came up saying that my morale had gone down. No, it fucking hadn't, ''Red Faction Guerrilla''! Now get out of the way so I can break all your stuff! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/834-Red-Faction-Guerrilla]

===[[w:Wii Sports Resort|Wii Sports Resort]]===
*''Wii Sports Resort'' is mostly functional and you could probably have a lot of fun playing it with friends or some children you intend to molest. But I oppose it because I see what it represents: a dead end. Your motion sensor could have full 1:1 control and incorporate a twenty-two function Swiss Army knife, but that won't change the fact that without physical feedback, motion controls are unimmersive! In the long run, they can only hope to sucker in casual gamers with teaspoon-shallow minigames like Wii Sports, the gaming equivalent of the cartoon cinemas used to play before the film. I say stop buying the Wii, fuck [[w:Project Natal|Project Natal]] up the arse, and maybe this whole motion sensor trend can fuck off and make room for the next innovation. Like cyberspace! Or a controller made of fruit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/844-Wii-Sports-Resort]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood|Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]]===
*At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges; and as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot!
* They could even have had three-way co-op, let the third guy play as &quot;Wee-um&quot;. Press X to hide, press triangle to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/860-Call-of-Juarez-Bound-in-Blood]

===[[w:The Conduit|The Conduit]]===
*I read in the gaming journals that ''The Conduit'' uses [[w:Quantum3#Quantum3_engine|special technology]] that makes it look as good as games on the [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|PS3]] and [[w:Gears of War 2|Xbox.]] Then I waited a few minutes for the punchline, but apparently they were serious! To put it charitably, the game is ''fucking ugly''! This isn't even because of the Wii. I've seen [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|better-looking Wii games]] and even [[w:Metroid Prime|Gamecube games]] - this is more on the level of a PS2 that someone's trodden on. I can't remember the last time I saw a game depict a skyline by painting one on a wall and erecting it a few feet away from the window. That's shit I'd expect from a [[w:Tex Murphy|Tex Murphy]] game, and Christ, this is turning into a good review for [[w:Under a Killing Moon|obscure references]], isn't it?
* The sole element ''The Conduit'' can claim as a unique gameplay mechanic is a glorified flashlight that reveals invisible locking mechanisms, essentially doing nothing but an extra phase to the &quot;press button, open door&quot; routine. Don't worry if you're not keen on scavenger hunts, though, because the presence of a nearby invisible thing is helpfully indicated by the soundtrack going, &quot;BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!&quot; while you're still trying to clear the room of those fucking insidious scuttlefuck spawners. &quot;''BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!''&quot;  And then when you think you've cleared the room and put your weapon away to shut the fucking thing up; Lo and behold! There was another monster spawner on the ceiling you couldn't see because you can't look up! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/869-The-Conduit]

===[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill 2]]===
* You see, ''Silent Hill 2'' isn't just a game I think is good. ''Silent Hill 2'' is the game I replay every now and again to remind myself that, for all the shiny brown/quick time event/RPG element/space marines, gaming is still worth defending. If I were Batman, ''Silent Hill 2'' would be my murdered parents, if you see what I mean.
*''Silent Hill 2'' is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in [[w:Sigmund Freud|symbolism]], the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of [[w:Pyramid Head|Pyramid Head]] (in his first appearance before he totally sold out) an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/878-Silent-Hill-2]

===[[w:'Splosion Man|2.5D]] [[w:Trine(video game)|Hoedown]]===
* '' 'Splosion Man'' puts me in mind of [[w:N+|N+]] crossed with ''[[w:Portal (game)|Portal]]'', and then crossed with ''Portal'' a few more times until very little of ''N+'' remained. It's set in a futuristic laboratory like the one in ''Portal'', but it doesn't get suspicious until you find your first ''cake''. There's one on every level you can get for extra points, which is obviously way better than ''Portal'' which just had the one, and even that one was of questionable status. And you remember how ''Portal'' memorably featured [[w:Still Alive (song)|a jaunty song with quirky lyrics?]] '' 'Splosion Man'' has ''three''. I appreciate that you have to do whatever it takes to stand out in the indie market, but '' 'Splosion Man'' really is trying too hard, like an insecure man who goes to work in bright green trousers so the people will pay attention to him, if only for long enough to tell him to change his stupid green trousers. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/892-2-5D-Hoedown]

===[[w:Tales of Monkey Island|Tales of Monkey Island]]===
* ''Monkey Island'' was part of my childhood. I had the [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|first]] [[w:Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge|two]] on my [[w:Amiga|Amiga]] - don't suppose you embryos would remember those times when a game like ''Monkey Island 2'' came on twelve floppy disks and playing it was like operating an old-fashioned switchboard? The first two games are still timelessly imaginative, sparkling, and very very funny, and therefore have no place in this review. The problem with the [[w:The Curse of Monkey Island|later]] [[w:Escape from Monkey Island|installments]] is the usual one that occurs when a series has been in cryogenics for a few years in that the new developers are almost always ''fans'' who, in their eagerness to show &quot;respect&quot; for their beloved franchise, prefer to lavish it in tongue baths in place of any significant evolution. In the second episode of ''Tales of Monkey Island'', a character whistles a snatch of music from ''Monkey Island 2,'' which might have been kind of cool if he had not then said, ''&quot;GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT MUSIC'S FROM, HMM?! HMM?! Wink-wink! Slurp-slurp! Tongue bath!&quot;'' I'm reminded of a cat showing affection to its owner by gobbing a dead bird onto his rug. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/901-Tales-of-Monkey-Island]

===[[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|Wolfenstein]]===
* You know what future historians will say about us, right? There were two very different games within the same twenty-year period, both called ''Wolfenstein'' and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the [[w:Wolfenstein 3D|first.]] From this we conclude that the people of the early 21st century were ''taking the piss!'' It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the [[w:First-person shooter|genre]], but ''Wolfenstein'' (the new one that is) subscribes to so many of the cliches of [[w:Gears of War 2|current]] [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|generation]] [[w:F.E.A.R. 2|action]] [[w:Halo 3|games]] that it's like ''[[w:The Spy Who Loved Me (film)|The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' of FPSs. It's so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That's why I've decided to review it... ''in limerick form!''

* In the tumultuous time before D-day / There once was man named BJ / With chocolate box hair / And a face like a bear / And a jacket he picked up on E-bay.
* Your gun is of course your best friend / On which you must always depend / When you get into fights / You can look down the sights / And bullets come out of the end. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein]

===[[w:Batman: Arkham Asylum|Batman Arkham Asylum]]===
*I had my doubts about ''Arkham Asylum'' because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when ''you're Batman'', a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit - and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit - but I just love that bit in ''The Dark Knight'' when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from ''The Departed'', until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye.
* Also, it's amazing how I only really care about auto-run after it's been taken away. If I fail to hold down &quot;X&quot; every single time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his ass. I thought we perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it half way to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for... I dunno, the &quot;bat spank?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/926-Batman-Arkham-Asylum]

===[[w:The Beatles: Rock Band|Beatles Rock Band]] and [[w:Guitar Hero 5|Guitar Hero 5]]===
* Rhythm games are a bit of an indictment of our generation, aren't they? Why yes, I ''would'' like to clarify that position! We've never had a decent war to give us any sense of mutual achievement or confidence, so we place anyone with the slightest talent or notoriety on ridiculous pedestals and tell ourselves we could never reach them because we're just so shit! And then ''Rock Band'' and ''Guitar Hero'' say, &quot;Yes! You are shit! Real guitar's not in ''your'' league; all the shit will come off your shitty fingers and clog up the fretboard! But never mind; here's something that isn't much like playing real guitar but kind of looks like it, and that's the best ''you'' could hope for, isn't it, you empty, hopeless turd?!&quot; Let me ask you something, ''Guitar Hero'': Do you really want to create a generation surfing across mediocrity on a wave of plinky-plonky plastic? And when the fuck are you going to license ''Stairway to Heaven''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/941-Beatles-Rock-Band-and-Guitar-Hero-5]

===[[w:Darkest of Days|Darkest of Days]]===
*When you're dealing with time travel it's important to establish whose rules are in play. Is this ''[[w:12 Monkeys|12 Monkeys]]'' rules where you can't change shit? Or ''[[w:Back to the Future|Back to the Future]]'' rules where you can change shit but the time line is kind of easygoing about it? Or ''[[w:Terminator_(franchise)|Terminator]]'' rules where [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|you can change shit,]] but then [[w:Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines|maybe you can't change shit,]] and then you make a [[w:Terminator:_The_Sarah_Connor_Chronicles|God-awful TV series]] and [[w:Christian_Bale#Terminator_Salvation_incident|Christian Bale yells at someone?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/957-Darkest-of-Days]

===[[w:Scribblenauts|Scribblenauts]]===
* I feel sorry for people who are god, and I shouldn't because that's like feeling sorry for Paris Hilton.
* Don't ask how I got into this situation but, on one level, I had a truck hanging [[w:Italian Job| ''Italian Job'']]-style over a lava pit with a star embedded in an ice block sitting on the end. I had an ice pick and all I had to do was carefully move along the truck, smash the ice and get the star. Even if I fell into the lava, if I had the star, I'd still win, with an agonizing, flesh-vaporizing victory dance. But as I tapped on the block to break it, it shifted slightly and I clicked the background. And fuck! it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do that! He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a clown when he grew up. I'd call him a fucking drunken spastic, but apparently those words don't exist.
*If I were feeling charitable, I'd liken it to having infinite amounts of Lego and only being allowed to access ten blocks of it at a time. But it's not even that. It's more like no-clipping through ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]'' with all the lights turned up; all the content with no structure or entertainment value; not so much a game as a developer showing off. Congratulations [[w:5th Cell|guys]], you've proved that you have a fuck-load of free time and a dictionary. Come back when you've looked up what &quot;fun&quot; means. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/969-Scribblenauts]

===[[w:WET (video game)|Wet]]===
* There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon.
*The main character is Rubi, a tomboy-ish assassin who's about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim; and this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a fifteen-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is [[w:Russ Meyer|Russ Meyer]] and you built an [[w:Supervixens|entire]] [[w:Faster,_Pussycat!_Kill!_Kill!|film-making]] [[w:Beyond_the_Valley_of_the_Dolls|career]] around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. ''That's MY thing''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/981-Wet]

===[[w:Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story|Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]]===
*I don't have a problem with aiming games at kids, although I do despise kids. Seriously, I don't think you quite grasp how much I loathe children. Given three wishes, I'll ask for a puppy, a decent chip sandwich and for every child-bearing womb on the planet to pop out and fly away like a cheery parade of greasy red balloons. But while kids are pretty fucking stupid - I mean, even with all the crayons in the world, they still can't draw a fucking house - that doesn't mean you can't ''try'' to challenge them. When I was a kid, we played games where you had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you! Kids today get their hands held so hard their fingers turn white and drop off! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1007-Mario-Luigi-Bowsers-Inside-Story]

===[[w:Brütal Legend|Brütal Legend]]===
* It's difficult to put down in words my opinion of Tim Schaffer but, basically, if I had access to a doomsday machine, I'd reduce the entire population of the world to me, Tim Schaffer, and maybe a woman (if she promised to wear a Tim Schaffer mask).
* I ask you now: How many more genres have to be sacrificed to the sandbox monster before we remember the importance of specialization? We've already lost the RPGs, the racers, the shooters, the brawlers, [[w:Rub-a-dub-dub|the bakers, the candlestick makers]] - all stouped together into games of all trades, masters [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|of]] [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|none.]] And now we're losing real-time strategy; where does it end? Will I one day be refused the straight-line block in ''Tetris'' until I've journeyed to the Sargoth Plains and recovered the fifty sacred horse-bollocks? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1044-Brutal-Legend]

===[[w:Washington D.C.|Washington D.C.]]===
* Yeah, that raises the question: If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation? If you got, like, Siamese twins... who share the same, like, downstairs parts, and one of them consents and the other one doesn't... is it rape?  I mean, if the other one consents?   It's like a... it's a timeshare vagina. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1060-Washington-DC]

===[[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|Uncharted 2: Among Thieves]]===
* [''Uncharted: Drake's Fortune''] wasn't awful, but it had fewer original thoughts than the BBC program planning department. It had one ball from ''Gears of War'' in its mouth and another from ''Tomb Raider'' and was sucking for all it's might. The plot was removed by cesarean section from an Indiana Jones movie so sloppily that doctors were unable to save any of the relatable characters or coherent motivations; and also took a lead from the [[w: The Da Vinci Code (film)| Dan Brown]] school of puzzles. i.e. present the viewer some ancient riddle, then immediately solve it for them because if they were smart they wouldn't be watching this piss.
* Like a supermodel who was considered ugly because she wears a baggy sweater, Drake is generically handsome beneath the strategically-placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble; supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded, gibbon-armed-flailing jumping technique; and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacement in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria - although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game, he has now moved on to non-American whites. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1078-Uncharted-2-Among-Thieves]

===[[w:Dragon Age: Origins|Dragon Age: Origins]]===
*''Dragon Age'' calls itself a &quot;Dark Fantasy&quot;. It's rather cute, really, like a D&amp;D nerd getting his ear pierced because he fancies the goth girl who works at Starbucks. ''Dragon Age'' isn't Dark Fantasy, nor is it Light Grey, Avocado, or Caffeine-Free Fantasy -- it's just straight Fantasy Classic; it's a straight-line Tetris block wiping out four big, fat rows of demand for traditional single-player RPGs. Its got elves, dwarves, dragons, it's got a title screen depicting a sword sticking out of the ground, and the world map looks like a fire-breathing coffee drinker's been sick on it. We're talking 100% commitment here, where every individual element could be taken out of context and every single one could make your girlfriend legitimately call you a sad bastard.
* I remember hearing somewhere that ''Dragon Age'' contained nine novels worth of text, which didn't really sell it to me. Who the fuck sits down to read nine novels at once, if they don't live in the fucking Bastille?! So about seventy five percent of your playtime is spent making rather creepy loving eye contact with NPCs as they talk about the weather, the political situation, and the small group of ogres who are standing behind you and who will stove in your head with lead pipes literally the very instant this conversation ends, all in the same placid tone of voice, even when you're freshly battled and your body is spotted with blood splatters like a menstruating leper, which makes everyone in the world seem a little bit mental. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1096-Dragon-Age-Origins]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2]]===
* &quot;Unimpressed by our [[w:Controversies_surrounding_Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_2#.22No_Russian.22_Mission|controversy]], are you?&quot; says [[w:Infinity Ward|Infinity Ward]]. &quot;Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!&quot; Remember how, in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X my ''HAWX'' review], I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, ''MW2'' skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe.
* At the point when I was ramping a snowmobile over a sixty foot abyss, I realized that all pretense of realism had been savagely dropped and they had opted to write some demented and confusing James Bond story where James Bond gets murdered half an hour in to be replaced by a bloke called, &quot;Bames Jond.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1118-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-2]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed 2|Assassin's Creed 2]]===
* Being European, there's an old saying I'm quite fond of: In Heaven, the food is Italian, the police are British, the [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|platformers are French]], the [[w:Serious Sam|shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by [[w:Nintendo|two international]] [[w:Microsoft|software giants]] and an [[w:Sony|electronics corporation]]. In Hell, the food is British, the [[w:Too Human|shooters are Canadian]], and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers. About the only important things Italy ever did were the Renaissance and murdering Jesus - deicide and a whole bunch of painters running around being gay. But it's in that gay painty period of history that we find the setting of ''Assassin's Creed 2,'' or to use its other name, &quot;Ubisoft's 20-hour ''Assassin's Creed 1'' Repentance.&quot;
* Yes! Someone at Ubisoft thankfully started taking practicality pills, and Ezio can actually run at full pelt down a street without guards getting suspicious, because this is Renaissance Italy, where it's more suspicious to ''not'' dress and act like a complete bell-end. Also thank fuck there's a fast travel system now, and you don't have to take lengthy horse journeys between every fucking mission. Unless you want to. Like if you've got a lady friend 'round and you want to hypnotize her with the sight of a horse's ass bobbing up and down for half an hour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1148-Assassins-Creed-2]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead 2|Left 4 Dead 2]] &amp; [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|New Super Mario Bros Wii]]===
*Nintendo's Mario team really don't seem to have any ambition besides subsisting on bits of crust they can scrape from the pimply underbelly of nostalgia, lest anything as dangerous as a new idea appear in their brains and give them a fucking seizure! But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, &quot;This shit will not fly!&quot;[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1191-Left-4-Dead-2-New-Super-Mario-Bros-Wii]

===[[w:Demon's Souls|Demon's Souls]]===
*Eventually though I got through the first dingy castle full of jerks and found the first demon, which was a giant slow-moving cowpat. Probably fitting for the very first tier but I was starting to think the game was making fun of me. Anyway, some helpful prior player advised me via the medium of floor to use fire-based weapons, so I opened the menu to put some fire on my sword, whereupon I was cowpatted to death because opening the menu doesn't pause the game. &quot;''Pause?!''&quot; it seemed to say. &quot;What kind of faggot are you? I don't care if you need to answer the phone, real gamers have no friends!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1321-Demons-Souls]

===Holiday 2009===
*Oh, what the fuck are ''you'' doing here? It's Christmas! Haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday! ... (That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that Northern Hemisphere weather is workin' out for ya.) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1340-Holiday-2009]

===[[w:The Saboteur (2009 video game)|Saboteur]]===
* I think I've realized the problem with World War II games: It's that everyone already knows how they're going to end! A load of fascists with hard-ons for sausages and hanging big red banners on everything take over continental Europe, spread themselves over too many fronts like a single-cunted hooker filling in for her triple-cunted friend, Hitler kills himself just in time for some Russians to come and laugh at his mono-bollock, and an entire sub-genre of alternate history fiction is born.
* Paris is one of those old European cities where the roads have been built up over the centuries from the ancient dirt tracks where some proto-Frenchman long ago left a sickly goat out in the sun to create the very first disgusting cheese. So that leaves us with a lot of narrow, twisty roads inhabited by lots of nuns, poodles, and strolling lovers in the brief moments before they all get tangled up in your wheel arches.
* I've honestly lost count of all the ways I've killed Nazis in my life as a gamer. I've killed them in linear [[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|first-]] and [[w:BloodRayne|third-person]], sandbox [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|first-]] and third-person, I've shot their planes down in [[w:IL-2 Sturmovik: Birds of Prey|flight sims]], I've [[w:List of Mario series characters#Bullet Bill|invaded their installations]] in [[w:Company of Heroes|RTSes]], and in [[w:Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis|the Indiana Jones adventure games]], I've point-and-clicked their lights out. Now ''The Saboteur'' has let me beat the Nazis in a go-kart race, so all I have to do now to have the full collection is smack a Nazi to death with a ''Guitar Hero'' controller! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1353-Saboteur]

===[[w:2009 in video gaming|Awards for 2009]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die: [[w:Michael Atkinson (politician)|Michael Atkinson]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;After [[w:Super Mario Bros. Wii|Super Mario Bros. Wii]] was just an NES Mario game with four times the bullshit, I was tempted to give this award to Mario, but frankly, it's a little too obvious, and complaining about Mario's undying nature is like using a shield and claymore to take on a speeding train. So instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson, a South Australian attorney general who continues to ensure that half the games get [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|banned]] or [[w:Left 4 Dead 2|censored]] and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation ''and'' the world every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old ''fuck''.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1367-Awards-for-2009]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Torchlight|Torchlight]]===
* I have a lot of respect for the fantasy peasant village economic model. It seems like those guys have got a good scam going on. First you accidentally build your settlement within easy walking distance of the local gnoll encampment or dragon cave or directly on top of a gateway to Hell, then all you have to do is build a big fat checkpoint in the village square and keep giving birth to potential kidnap victims, and your storekeeper, your blacksmith, your tailor and your innkeeper, they'll all be set for fucking life! Okay, someone's pretty daughter gets dragged off by kobolds every other night, but hey, you've cornered the lucrative adventurer market. Just buy another one! I bet this is why NPCs in RPG peasant villages never move from a single spot directly in front of their place of business; if they move, all the adventurer money in their pockets will pull their trousers down. Presumably, they pay a helper gnome to come along every morning to shovel breakfast cereal into their mouths. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1385-Torchlight]

===[[w:Darksiders|Darksiders]]===
* Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': The Chump Chop (square), The Double Chump Chop (square, square), and The Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha (square, square, square).
*[[w:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse#Red Horse|War]] has absolutely no personality; he's a great big brick that gets in fights, going about things with an air of cold, angsty dispassion. He doesn't seem to give a toss about anything he does, so why should I? And what right does War have to be angsty about his life? He's fucking War! He's never had to queue up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer; he just breaks things! If I were War, and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling; I'd go, &quot;Fucking hell! Did anyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders]

===[[w:Bayonetta|Bayonetta]]===
*I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of [[w:Common sage|sages]] and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter scarf]] who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta]

===[[w:Dark Void|Dark Void]]===
*After two years of this, I thought I was immune to being [[w:Brütal Legend|disappointed by games.]] Whoops, that's my entire opinion on ''Dark Void'' given away in one sentence, isn't it? But stick with me, there's more to this! It's not that I went into ''Dark Void'' thinking it would be good, because I don't go into any games thinking they'll be good. If I have to search through a dumpster for a lost wedding ring, I could try to convince myself that the dumpster will be full of cakes and freshly-picked flowers, but I'll only be fooling myself. ''Dark Void'' is a dumpster that appeared to be full of rusty dog food tins, but once I got in I realized they were actually delicious novelty cakes made to look like rusty dog food tins. But then once I started eating them, I discovered that the icing was made from wallpaper paste and cyanide, and that's why I feel it let me down. I wonder if the [[w:Geneva Convention|Geneva Convention]] covers torturing metaphors? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1433-Dark-Void]

===[[w:Borderlands (video game)|Borderlands]]===
* '''Alright! Fine!''' For fuck's sake! I'll review ''Borderlands'' if it'll make you shut up! Except it won't, will it? We both know nothing can do that short of surgically removing your fucking jaw. And even then you can still drool down my ear.
* I suppose this is geared to the mumorpuger crowd, who are well known for putting up with all the samey grind in the world if it means they get experience points and fancy weapons with blue names at the end of it. I've had a great idea for a game these people would love. It comes with a special USB glove peripheral and you get one experience point for each time you punch yourself in the face!
* And it might be true that it becomes tolerable if you do it with some friends around, but so is dying of bowel cancer. And that way they might even feel obliged to take you sky diving! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1448-Borderlands]

===[[w:Mass Effect 2|Mass Effect 2]]===
* The writing's solid, but then Bioware don't score points for that anymore. Birds fly, fish swim, Michael Attkinson molests dogs, and Bioware games have good writing. But when the characters deliver the dialogue, they always come down with the &quot;Bioware face&quot; -- that uncanny valley-esque look of oddness because the voices and the physical movements are created separately. You can almost see them going over their stage directions in their heads: &quot;Hello, Commander Shepard (wave hand). I heard you might show up today (nod head). How about those freaky aliens, eh (shake fist, grr grr, slightly racist undercurrent)?&quot;
* So ''Mass Effect 2'' is very well-written and epic and immersive and all that, but gameplay-wise, it's still flailing around like a neurotic twenty-something checkout girl trying to find the right combination of hats and dresses. They discarded the ugly yellow sunhat of vehicle sections, and tried on the frumpy brown frock of resource mining and it's still not quite working. For ''Mass Effect 3'' - and I know there will be a ''Mass Effect 3'' because the loading screens rather unsubtly remind you to hang onto your save games - they should try bringing back the planet surface exploration, but let you navigate the terrain with ''jetpacks!'' And populate it with giant wolves that shoot lasers out of their mouths! If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''[[w:EVE Online|EVE Online!]]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1461-Mass-Effect-2]

===[[w:Dante's Inferno (video game)|Dante's Inferno]]===
* [[w: Dante's Inferno| ''The Divine Comedy'']] really does paint God as a little bit, &quot;Two choir boys short of a molestation racket,&quot; if all that Old Testament business didn't already tip you off. &quot;Hey!&quot; says God, &quot;I've made it so it feels really really good to stick certain body parts together and jiggle them around, and hard-wired your brain to want to do it pretty much twenty-four/seven between the ages of thirteen and seventy. But if you actually do it without a special permission slip from the church, then I'm going to light you on fire! And that's just in purgatory. If you also didn't spend every Sunday reminding me what a level-headed and, if I may say so, strikingly handsome fellow I am, then I'm also going to staple your cock shut and feed you to a wolf.&quot;
*You have one set of upgrades for holy experience and one for [[w:Black Sabbath|unholy]]. &quot;Ah ha ha ha ha ''ha''!&quot; you might say. &quot;Moral choice system, hmmm?&quot; &quot;Well, not really,&quot; I would reply. &quot;More a violent option or equally violent but better spirited option.&quot; &quot;And I ''suppose,''&quot; you would continue, &quot;that since holy points are slightly harder to get that holy upgrades would be slightly better, and that it all might be leading toward some alternative ending scenario where too many damnations land you a big, fat, steaming two-bedroom apartment made of poo and sawblades on the [[w:Inferno (Dante)#Ninth Circle (Betrayal)|Ninth Circle]]?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; say I. &quot;I presume that was the original intention, but I guess they used up the ending cinematic budget rendering Dante's hairy bum (spoiler alert) and the upgrade tracks are pretty much equivocal.&quot; &quot;So what's the point of having two separate experience levels?&quot; you ask. &quot;Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,&quot; I say. &quot;Why is that?&quot; you ask. &quot;It beats the ''fuck'' out of me!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno]

===[[w:BioShock 2|BioShock 2]]===
*So the wallpaper paste-squirting bean counters from 2K asked themselves what was a popular aspect of ''[[w:BioShock|BioShock 1]]'' we could focus on in the sequel in order to wring as many pennies as we can out of the property, and someone said &quot;The [[w:Big Daddy (BioShock)|Big Daddies]] of course! I think you should get to play as one.&quot; &quot;What?&quot; said someone else. &quot;Those haunting monstrous things that trudge around as if they can barely support their own weight? Those tragic figures reduced to single-function robots with no trace of humanity left that seem to embody the downfall of the city as a whole? That's a stupid fucking idea, it'd be like a sequel to ''Half-Life'' where you get to play as a gun turret.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1494-BioShock-2]

===[[w: Aliens vs. Predator (2009 video game)|Aliens vs. Predator]]===
* ''Aliens vs. Predator'' is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like ''Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants''. Really, any title would be better than ''Aliens vs. Predator'', or at least easier on the filing system. Try not to confuse this ''Aliens vs. Predator'' with the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the SNES from 1993 nor the arcade ''Alien vs. Predator'' from 1994 nor indeed the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the Atari Jaguar from the same year, although feel free to confuse it with the ''Aliens vs. Predator'' released for PC and Mac in 1999, because it's the same fucking game! 
*This is ''Aliens vs. Predator'', though, so there are Predators too, who show up now and then to a chorus of &quot;What the ''fuck'' was ''that''?&quot; from nearby human NPCs. And I'm waiting for someone to reply, &quot;It's a fucking [[w:Predator 2|Predator]], you moron; the human race has only encountered them like fifty times. Did no one document anything? Didn't at least one survivor put an entry on his fucking [[w:LiveJournal|LiveJournal]]? Or did we use up all the data storage media recording all these fucking audio logs?&quot;
*As usual, there are three story campaigns, and in spite of the title the Marine campaign is the longest, probably because of racism. It's also by far the weakest, a fairly generic FPS that at first takes the Doom 3 route to creating easy horror by putting you in dark rooms with a flashlight circle the size of a leprechaun's testicle, but after a while it gets bored and flicks the light on for the remainder in a spirited attempt for the generic gold medal. It's not even that scary because, current generation graphics being what they are, the Aliens all have this wet glisten effect that make them easy to spot, like they're adorned with Christmas lights. That's when they even bother to show up.  There's a fine line between [[w: Silent Hill 2| atmospheric pacing]] and just having fuck all happen. Half an hour in, I'd gone to three or four empty control rooms to press magic plot continuation buttons, and was starting to wonder if the Aliens hadn't gone to the wrong address or something. The side quest is to collect audio logs, and they're all the usual suspects: Passive-aggressive man who complains about how the guys running the place are all evil and stupid, hysterical man in a cupboard who gets abruptly cut off by grisly noises, and that one very credulous fellow who starts worshiping the aliens as gods, and who will probably end up deliberately sucking on a face hugger, nature's communion wafer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1516-Aliens-vs-Predator]

===[[w: Heavy Rain|Heavy Rain]]===
*''Heavy Rain'' is the spiritual sequel to ''[[w:Fahrenheit (video game)|Fahrenheit]]'' (aka ''Indigo Prophecy'', aka Baron Von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure) and is presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Now, say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - thank you, I think I will; it was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally halfway through, but say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - at least ''stuff happened'' in it! Game starts: BOOM - you stabbed a bloke, you've got thirty seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. Meanwhile, ''Heavy Rain'' starts: You wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while, your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you ''stab your kids with a knife''! (Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen.)
* Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch and the entire fucking apple tree! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1528-Heavy-Rain]

===[[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2|Battlefield Bad Company 2]]===
* With the ''Battlefield'' series being so snipe-happy, gameplay becomes akin to crouching behind a desk trying to read a ''Where's Wally'' book from the house across the street. And every time you raise your head to look at it for longer than two seconds, you're savaged by a flock of vampire bats. And occasionally you fail to notice that the [[w:Battlefield Bad Company| truckasaurus]] has chewed a perfectly square-shaped hole in the wall of your house that has permitted the ingress of a raging panther.
*Perhaps &quot;Realistic Shooter&quot; isn't the right term for games like ''Bad Company 2''. In a truly realistic shooter, you'd get shot once, then laid up for six months before the hospital you're in gets blown up by an [[w: Improvised Explosive Device|IED]] and you're forced to crawl to safety with half a leg missing before getting shot by twitchy border patrolmen. All of which is preceded by about six months of doing push-ups with a load of sweaty people you're not allowed to make love to. A better name for the [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Modern Warfare]] thing would be: ''Deranged Paranoid Power Fantasy For Right-Wing Shut-ins Who Would Blow Their Own Nuts Off The Moment They Were Handed An Actual Firearm And Probably Already Have Done''...shooter. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1546-Battlefield-Bad-Company-2]

===[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy XIII]]===
* It seems we're already assembling the usual ''Final Fantasy'' character archetype pick 'n mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and of course the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context.  It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something.
*Some people have told me that ''FF13'' gets good about twenty hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for twenty hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display - lots of garish colour and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. I played ''Final Fantasy XIII'' because I am an unbiased critic (''shut up I am!'') and I must give everything a chance to surprise me. After five hours, the only thing that surprised me was how I managed that much without chewing off my own face! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1569-Final-Fantasy-XIII]

===[[April Fools' Day|April Fools]]===
*[[w:Ode On Melancholy|Ay, in the very temple of delight/veiled Melancholy has her sovran shrine,/Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue/can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine:/His soul shall taste the sadness of her might/And be among her cloudy trophies hung.]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1591-April-Fools]

===[[w:God of War III|God of War III]]===
*I've always liked [[w:Kratos (God of War)|Kratos]], although I suspect he wouldn't like me because I'm alive. In a medium saturated with generic, dark-haired, clear-skinned, hypocritically violent, self-righteous white boys assigned the role of hero by virtue of being the handsomest guy in the plot - [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|usually]] [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|voiced]] [[w:Assassin's Creed 2|by]] [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - it's nice to play an admittedly ugly hate-ridden fuck with no heroic qualities and who crushes people's skulls against jagged rocks as a form of greeting. I'd like to see [[w:Nathan_Drake_(character)|Nathan Drake]] get locked in a room with Kratos, see how far smug wisecracks get him when his head is getting sandwiched between a concrete floor and a foot that kicks so much ass that it permanently smells of farts. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1595-God-of-War-III]

===[[w:Red Steel 2|Red Steel 2]]===
*I've got to admit, this is probably the best motion-control combat I've seen on the Wii. Of course, it still isn't very good. It's like being the best at jerking off to your sister in the shower, you only won because no one else entered and you probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place.
* Now it must be said, Nintendo really don't think much of you. The fact that they actually released [[w: Wii Music|''Wii Music'']] rather than, say, murdered the creator and burned all his writing speaks well enough to that. Not only does ''Red Steel 2'' insist upon making you play a tutorial for every single new move you learn, but it won't be satisfied until you can demonstrate it five or six times! And it shows a little video of a non-threatening attractive young white person doing the motions in case you jammed a sensor bar up your nose and forgot what words mean. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1610-Red-Steel-2]

===[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]===
*'''How To Be a Video Games Journalist, Lesson 37: Using Game Titles for Puns and Cutting Swiftian Jibes.''' A game name like ''Just Cause'' is absolute gold for the reviewer since it can mean both &quot;a just cause&quot;, a righteous agenda, or the phrase &quot;just because&quot;, a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior. The opportunity for puns is obvious. Why would you steal a passenger jet and fly it directly up the bum hole of a sunbathing prostitute? ''Just cause!'' Praise and large quantities of gamer pussy will swiftly follow. However, this pun is so obvious that every game journalist and their cat and their cat's squeaky toy will have used it, so you may have to post-modernly draw attention to that fact at the start of your review so everyone assumes you're using the joke ''ironically''. Remember, the ironic gamer pussy is just as soft and lovely as the regular kind. Next week on '''How To Be a Video Games Journalist''': Digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ball-point pen.
* ''Just Cause 2'' is a game for fucking around. You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up. So the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1632-Just-Cause-2]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]]===
* The unique feature of the game is that it psychologically profiles you as you play, altering itself to fuck with your head better, which I was dubious about. Who you are in a game is a very different person to who you are in real life, a sort of high-functioning autistic you probably wouldn't want to leave your children with. If I go into a ladies lavatory for example, in real life it would be to sniff the seats for some illicit sexual thrill, but in a game it's because I want to make sure someone didn't leave first-aid kits in the cistern.
* At the end of the game, you also get a little analysis of your personality that I'm not convinced is not just a random selection of newspaper horoscopes. After my first playthrough it declared I was, &quot;Fastidiously clean and tidy,&quot; which is true, that when there are three garbage bags in the kitchen waiting to be taken down to the bins, I can't rest until they've been diligently ignored; &quot;Family oriented,&quot; with explains why I live twelve thousand miles away from anyone remotely related to me and never write; and, &quot;Possibly crap in bed.&quot;   ...Moving on. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1651-Silent-Hill-Shattered-Memories]

===[[w: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction|Splinter Cell: Conviction]]===
* Speaking as a foreigner, who the fuck would want to take over the United States? It'd be like trying to keep a giant, diseased ape in your apartment that eats money and suffers from life threatening obesity and constant diarrhea but viciously savages you every time you try to give it free health care.
* Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, &quot;Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. Fuck that, let's go shoot at him!&quot; 
* Here is a brief list of things that these professional soldiers, guards and career mercenaries have never been trained not to do: stand facing each other and jabber about how much they hate democracy and apple pie and the smiles on little babies' faces instead of guarding the fucking room; give away their position every five paces by screaming out personal insults at the [[w:Sam Fisher|professional killer]] they can't see but know for a fact is in the room currently training his sights at their big flapping potty mouths; after catching a glimpse of said professional killer unload every clip they have in the spot where he used to be with their backs to about twelve different entry points; and walk around in circles repeatedly checking for the professional killer in the same square yard of floor space, loudly announcing their discoveries with each revolution. Of course none of this eclipses the stupidity of going up against Sam Fisher in the first place, when he's the one who got most of the solitary brain cell that everyone had to share. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1684-Splinter-Cell-Conviction]

===[[w:Nier (video game)|Nier]]===
* ...I must say, it's gratifying to see that the game is named after the sound I make when asked to describe it. &quot;Neeeeyyaaar&quot; is in actuality the name of the main character, the guy on the box who looks a bit like [[Emmett Brown]] wearing his underpants on his face. I only found this out later though because, before the game tells you his name, it asks you if you can come up with a better one. And thus began the adventures of &quot;Twattycake,&quot; defender of the innocent.
* You know how in some RPGs you start off in your lovely idyllic green-grass home village where smiling neighbors bid you how-do-you-do and which is virtually guaranteed to get Hiroshima-fied before the second act? Well, ''Nier'' is like that but never quite gets as far as the second bit. Frankly I wish it would. Here we have a stalwart fighter who, in between fighting cosmic death beasts from beyond the veil of time and space, has to repeatedly run back home to water his melons, spend quality time with his child and see if anyone needs him to run down the shops to buy them a healing potion and a Mars Bar. It's one of those games that seeks to challenge the notion that gamers need to get a life by attempting to [[w:The Sims 3|simulate]] one. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1703-Nier]

===[[w:Dead to Rights: Retribution|Dead to Rights: Retribution]]===
*In case you never played the [[w:Dead to Rights|first game]], here's a Dead to Rights Recap: BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! WOOF! It's the kind of over-the-top balls-to-the-teeth action that I honestly can't tell if it's being deliberately camp or if it was written by a paranoid NRA member shaking off a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers. You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for ''answers'', and he's letting his ''gun'' do the ''talking'', and his ''gun'' only knows ''one very loud word!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1717-Dead-to-Rights-Retribution]

===[[w:Monster Hunter Tri|Monster Hunter Tri]]===
*Actually, speaking of the title, we should probably drop the word &quot;Monster&quot; as well since you usually just kill blameless wildlife that only attacks because you're invading its territory or you just pushed a sharpened stick down the ear of its favorite child. But I guess calling it &quot;Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of...&quot; Oh fuck it, let's just call it ''&quot;YOU BASTARD!&quot;'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1732-Monster-Hunter-Tri]

===[[w:Alan Wake|Alan Wake]]===
* The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. It's just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. It's like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when he's around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop.
* But I suppose there are lots of horror stories that wouldn't exist at all if people never made bad decisions in them, and ''Alan Wake'' is certainly all about bad decisions; bad combat, bad narration, ''good'' atmosphere. Picture an elegantly decorated house through which soft classical music plays and occasionally an obese man in a Halloween mask charges through it swinging a football rattle and screaming at the top of his voice. He's weirdly fascinating for the first few laps, but then he pulls down your curtains and shits on a doily. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1756-Alan-Wake]

===[[w:Red Dead Redemption|Red Dead Redemption]]===
*You know [[w:Rockstar Games|Rockstar]], you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV When I said] that all the cars in ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|GTA IV]]'' handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Lost_and_Damned|The Lost and Damned]]'' which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats, and the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple-somersault head injury fairy. &quot;Alright then,&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Here's ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Ballad_of_Gay_Tony|The Ballad of Gay Tony]],'' where every other mission is helicopter-based.&quot; But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side. &quot;Alright then motherfucker!&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorized vehicles at all! Are you happy now?!&quot; To which I reply, &quot;My horse appears to be lodged in a wall!&quot;
* It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side.  It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle -- or, more appropriately, drunk! And when your character ''is'' drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint, fired into their face with a shotgun. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1776-Red-Dead-Redemption]

===[[w:Alpha Protocol|Alpha Protocol]]===
* ...What's important is that, however you play him, Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour. The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes - a professional by-the-book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blew off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its nether hole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a high-brow film critic archly dismissing the latest [[w:Superman Returns|superhero blockbuster]] as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1801-Alpha-Protocol]

===[[w:Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands|Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands]]===
*Overall, there's just something terribly cynical about ''Forgotten Sands'' that makes me uneasy. It's all so by-the-numbers - when the large bull-like enemy was introduced, I instantly paused the game and announced, &quot;This enemy will charge at me but, if I dodge out of the way at the last second, it will run into a wall and stun itself.&quot; Then I unpaused the game and thus were proven my powers of clarivoyance. It seems like, if you've [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|completed]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|a]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|trilogy]] and, lest we forget, [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|rebooted]] the fucking thing, going back to mine the last game you were sure was good just isn't very classy, like stealing leftovers from the bins outside an upmarket restaurant and serving them to your dinner guests. Plus it was brought out to capitalize on a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|film]], and films are a load of old cobblers. See, [[w:Roger Ebert|Roger Ebert]], ''[http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2010/04/video_games_can_never_be_art.html that's what it feels like!]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1815-Prince-of-Persia-The-Forgotten-Sands]

===[[w:E3lectronic Entertainment Expo 2010|E3 2010]]===
*Let me make my position clear - gaming should be about games, not about controllers. Controllers as they stand are a perfectly adequate conduit for connecting man to machine by way of thumbs. It doesn't matter if ''[[w:A Tale of Two Cities|A Tale of Two Cities]]'' is printed on the side of a horse, or if every other word is in Greek, what matters is that Sydney Carton sacrifices himself for Charles Darnay at the end (spoiler alert). Delude yourself all you like with videos of happy families in pastel-coloured shirts spending quality time with bouncy-castle simulators, but in the long term people want to play games the same way they want to read books or watch TV: slouched on the settee with a big bag of Malteasers. How on earth do you think forcing them to do a sit-up every now and again is going to revolutionize entertainment? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1838-E3-2010]

===[[w:No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle|No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle]]===
*''No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle'' has finally gotten past the border patrol of the PAL territories and having played through it I can confidently state that there is absolutely no worry of [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]] getting more mature. At some point between [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|Nomeroes 1]] and Nomeroes 2, someone introduced him to the concept of jiggle physics and thus has begun a friendship to last a lifetime. The fact that all the women in the game wear fetish outfits and are either in love with you or have to be bloodily murdered with your giant throbbing sci-fi memorabilia does feel a little bit backward. I wouldn't usually have a problem, but I thought I'd express disapproval so [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/rebecca-mayes-muses/1829-Love-Song-for-Yahtzee I don't get stabbed by Rebecca Mayes]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1856-No-More-Heroes-2-Desperate-Struggle]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Super Mario Galaxy 2]]===
* Okay, so Bowser kidnapping the princess is sort of traditional, like hanging drawing and quartering. And when ''Mario Galaxy 1'' did it, I figured, &quot;Well, fair enough, they're introducing the concept to all the new audience of casual gamer shitheads that the Wii suckered in -- each of which I am prepared to personally seal away in some kind of medieval oubliette -- but whatever, we play the cards we're dealt.&quot;  But ''Mario Galaxy 2'' doesn't have that excuse.  It seems reasonable to me that the chief audience for ''Galaxy 2'' is people who played ''Galaxy 1'', but the game seems to assume you didn't, or at least it sincerely hopes you didn't. Mario himself seems confused on the Wii menu: &quot;Super Mario Galaxiiiiiiieeeeeeee!&quot; he shrieks, omitting the incremental digit.
* I guess the fanbase will get the franchise it deserves, but is this really all you want? Yes, there are [[w:Half-Life (video game)|games I like,]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|games I love,]] do I want to play a new installment of the same thing every few years? ''NO!'' The fastest way to spoil your [[w:Cadbury Creme Egg|pleasures]] is to make them routine. [[w: Variety (magazine)|Variety]] is the spice of life and [[w:Piledriver (album)|status quo]] is the starch. The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity, or to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]'' has been running for 21 seasons and hasn't been good since the fifth. I would rather see things evolve, and before any defenders of motion controllers get in touch, evolve in ways that ''aren't stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1871-Super-Mario-Galaxy-2]

===[[w:Singularity (video game)|Singularity]]===
* Let's face it: Real history is boring. It's just a load of idiots eating too much of a cow and killing each other over which nostril Christ was breathing out of on the cross. So I can understand the appeal of alternate history fiction. Imagine if the Persians had won [[w: The Battle of Salamis| the Battle of Salamis]], the present day would be almost completely the same! Or if King John had signed the Magna Carta while wearing bunny ears! The possibilities are endless! So why in the name of bollock burgers do we keep coming back to the '''same''' alternate history where the Cold War escalated!?
* ...Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[w: A Day in the Life|Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that -- someone left a note. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around &quot;Big Hank&quot;.
* Stripped of its rather pointless gimmick, ''Singularity'' is a game that can't decide if it wants to be ''Bioshock'', ''Half life'', or ''Timeshift'', and is inferior to all three. ''Bioshock'' is probably the game it was sitting directly behind in the exam room; with audio logs and the RPG elements and E99 instead of ADAM as all-porpouse plot dietary fiber. It's even got those cute 50's public information cartoons that ''Bioshock'' ripped off from [[w: Fallout: a post nuclear role playing game| ''Fallout'']]. It's like a magnificent human centipede stretching though gaming history. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1883-Singularity]

===[[w:Crackdown 2|Crackdown 2]]===
*I've got nothing against multiplayer as a concept, but you shouldn't try to make it [[w:Lost Planet 2|carry a game]] because there are logistical problems. Me and my friends have enough trouble splitting the bill after pizza, and navigating labyrinths of lobbies and servers is rarely worth the effort when everyone would rather just stick ''Guitar Hero'' on. And joining random online gaming is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play Scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1897-Crackdown-2]

===[[w:DeathSpank|DeathSpank]] &amp; [[w:Limbo (video game)|Limbo]]===
*The final question I suppose is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronize [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|the arts]] now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of ''Limbo.'' But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy-brand kind of entertainment, then order out for a barbecue Meat Lover's with a two-liter Coke and try ''DeathSpank.'' Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something [[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|bland and unchallenging]], then why not try ''eating a dick.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1908-DeathSpank-Limbo]

===[[w:Shadow of the Colossus|Shadow of the Colossus]]===
*''Shadow of the Colossus'' is usually filed under &quot;action-adventure&quot; like [[w:Deus Ex|everything]] [[w:killer7|else]] that's hard to classify, but really it defies genre. The gameplay is divided between adventuring alone through the silent wilderness and the sixteen tussles with monsters so large you could hollow out their carcasses and repurpose them as low-income housing. In the former, everything is peaceful and contemplative with no combat and no puzzling besides navigating the occasional mountain that sits obliviously between you and your destination like a fat guy at a cinema. And in the latter, everything is noisy and intense like you're playing Hungry Hungry Hippos backstage at a [[w:Dragonforce|Dragonforce]] gig. It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1924-Shadow-of-the-Colossus]

===[[w:Split/Second|Split/Second: Velocity]]===
*Which brings me to ''Split Second: Velocity'', or rather ''Split '''Stroke''' Second'', 'cause [[w:File:Split_Second_Velocity_EU_Cover.jpg|that's how it's written]]. So what the fuck does that mean, Disney Interactive Studios, Split ''or'' Second? Do we have to pick one? Or does the game alternate being themed around standard units of time measurement and serving suggestions for bananas? Anyway, it's an extreme racing game... you do know the hyphen is the horizontal one right? Look down, it's right next to the zero. I know it's hard to focus when [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] is badgering you for results, but ''honestly!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1939-Split-Second-Velocity]

===[[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|Transformers: War for Cybertron]]===
* What I don't get is why people are so protective of ''Transformers'' when literally the only reason it existed was not to enrich or inspire you but to sell you gimmicky toys. Hey, fanboys! ''Transformers'' only loved you as long as you had limited control of your parents disposable income. It's like you were all hooked up to milking machines, but instead of complaining you all painted you milking machines different colors and put stickers on them and argued over whose milking machine was best! But I suppose these days the entire entertainment industry  regards most individuals as nothing more than a bit consuming mouth wearing designer jeans full of money so, what the fuck? ''Transformers: War for Cybertron'' gather around and consume away, you big jeans wearing mouth cattle things.
*People will say I didn't like the game because I don't care about ''Transformers'' - well, the point is this was the game's chance to make me care about ''Transformers'' and it cocked it up! [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure|Tie-in]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|games]] in the past have been good enough on their own merits to make me interested in the subject matter. All I'm seeing here is a bunch of tumble dryers bumping into each other under overblown disco lighting! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1951-Transformers-War-for-Cybertron]

===[[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days]]===
* ...Reflect on what huge masochists the developers of ''[[w:Kane and Lynch: Dead Men|Kane and Lynch]]'' must be, famously having gotten [[w:Jeff_Gerstmann#Termination_from_GameSpot|Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot]] for not realizing that the Gamespot Super-Sellout Saver advertising package included a free happy ending on the review table. Solidarity therefore was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review ''Kane and Lynch 1'', with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of &quot;couldn't be arsed.&quot; But now ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is out, I sincerely hope the publishers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time because, if they do, there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or to put that another way, ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is worse than deep-fried tampons! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1976-Kane-Lynch-2-Dog-Days]

===[[w:Mafia II|Mafia II]]===
* Why does society insist on demonizing [[w:Goodfellas (film)|organized crime]]? We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a nobbing but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?
* I'm not sure why ''Mafia 2'' and indeed ''Mafia 1'' felt they needed to be open world because they're both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions, and largely the only activity available between missions is schlepping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job, to which I would say, &quot;Piss off!&quot; This is a '''game'''. Games are '''fun'''. I want to knob prostitutes while singing songs from ''Bugsy Malone'', and say &quot;Fugged abahd it&quot; without irony! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1988-Mafia-II]

===[[w:Metroid: Other M|Metroid: Other M]]===
* Of the many expressionless drones robo-Samus excretes from her mouth pipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed. ''[in an expressionless drone:]'' &quot;From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something.&quot;
*Oh, yes, and there's this murder mystery plot set up early on. Six different members of a military squad are introduced and established with names and slightly anemic personalities. But then it transpires that there's a traitor among them, picking them off. You even have a boss fight with him, his face cunningly concealed by camera angles and bits of scenery.  So, do you want to know who the traitor turns out to be? ...So the fuck would I, because the game kind of forgets about this whole subplot and hopes you do, too. &quot;Hey, wasn't there some intrigue from the first half of the game we were supposed to be resolving, Metroid Story Writer A?&quot; &quot;Doesn't ring a bell, Metroid Story Writer B. Now let's make Samus' suit fall off again so everyone can see her bum.&quot; On an educated guess though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2015-Metroid-Other-M]

===[[w:Amnesia: The Dark Descent|Amnesia: The Dark Descent]]===
* You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First there's the kind where you're in dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo!&quot;  That would be your [[w: Doom 3| ''Doom 3'']]. Then there's the kind where the guy in a spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's gonna go &quot;abloogy woogy woo&quot; at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't wanna turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye! That would be your [[w: Silent Hill 2| ''Silent Hill 2'']]. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo,&quot; while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room, before walking slowly over to you, plucking a violin, and then slapping you in the face with a T-bone steak. That would be your [[w: Dead Space| ''Dead Space'']].
* It's quite a while before you even glimpse a monster, and let me just transcribe my thought process at the time:  &quot;Dum-de-dum, well, this isn't very scary.  Oh, look!  Physics.  I can throw chairs around like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit.  Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind?  Yawn-a-rama.  Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play ''[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]'' for a bit.  Nope, nothing much up here, either; I'll just go back and...  Whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway?  I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead.  Oh, it's blocked.  Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?  AAGGH, RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP, ''OH PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2092-Amnesia-The-Dark-Descent]

===[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]===
* ...Everyone in this prequel seems to be fully aware of their ultimately doomed status, too. No one's particularly surprised when the Covenant do show up (with incidentally all human characters immediately being totally familiar with the operation of Covenant weapons and vehicles; you'd almost think they'd just built this game off the engine of [[w:Halo 3|a previous one]] or something), and the story is focused on a small commando unit whose members spend the entire game having a prolonged &quot;Who can have the noblest death?&quot; competition. Oh come on, this isn't a spoiler! They wouldn't characterize this many NPCs if they weren't going to pick them off like After Eight mints. The very first image in the game is [http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/5/54804-184907-reachopeningcutscenepng-620x.jpg a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain], what the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit ''hot?'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2136-Halo-Reach]

===[[w:Dead Rising 2|Dead Rising 2]]===
*What I like about it is that it's a true watercooler game, and I'm not talking about all that [[w:Farmville|Facebook game bollocks]] where you can boast to all your friends because you stuck a radish up an imaginary cow's arse. You get together with your other ''Dead Rising 2''-playing mates and you can discuss for hours what combos you found, boss-fighting tactics, and where to find the chainsaws and mankinis. Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover similar tastes in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2176-Dead-Rising-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions|Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions]]===
* ''Shattered Dimensions'' plays like marketing material for Marvel Comics' range of [[w:Ultimate Spider-Man|alternate]] [[w:Spider-Man 2099|Spider-Man]] [[w: Marvel Noir|continuities]]. You see, every now and again, some writer at Marvel's creativity-fueled dream factory gets bored of repeatedly typing the words, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face,&quot; and transfers the characters to a different setting or time period, so they can instead type, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face... in space!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2213-Spider-Man-Shattered-Dimensions]

===[[w:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]]===
* Normally I spend the first paragraph of these little tonsil exercise sessions leading into things with some rambling spiel of only borderline [[relevance]], like maybe in this case wondering aloud if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with &quot;The Count from Sesame Street&quot; -- although probably not ''Symphony of The Night'', because you'd have to rename Alucard to, &quot;Teerts emases morf tnuoc eth [sic].&quot;
* Stop me if you've heard this one before: [[w:God of War (series)|beefy bloke with poor coping skills gets a big nark on after something kills his wife and takes it out on mythological creatures, with a weapon on the end of a chain that can do light attacks and heavy attacks.]] But before I can bring down my well-used 'Like God Of War But' stamp like the [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders terrible] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta hammer] of [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno judgment] that it is, the game dodges my swing and goes &quot;Wait! Here's something original! Every now and again you have to have thrilling boss fights with monsters so big you have to ledge-climb all over their bodies, pausing to hold on when they try to thrash you around like a little murderous nipple tassel, and chip away at their health by picking at glowing weak spots.&quot; &quot;Say,&quot; I reply, &quot;Another word for 'giant monster' is [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|''colossus'']], isn't it?&quot; &quot;I know what you're thinking,&quot; retorts ''Castlevania Lords of Shadow of the Colossus,'' &quot;but we're not like that game at all! That game had sixteen colossi and we've got three! That's a completely different number!&quot; ...&quot;So where do you want this 'Like God of War But' stamp?&quot; I ask after an embarrassed cough. &quot;On my ''face'', please.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2251-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow]

===[[w:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West|Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]]===
*If you said to me, &quot;Sci-fi reimagining of [[w:Greek mythology|another culture's mythology]] mostly concerned with robots,&quot; I would immediately think, [[w:Too Human|''Too Human!'']] and punch you in the bollocks [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human| for reminding me of it]. But wait! There's a new sheriff in sci-fi reimagined mythology town! ''Enslaved: Odyssey to the West'', a post-apocalyptic action-adventure inspired by the classical Chinese epic called [[w:Journey To The West|Journey To The West]], in which the monkey king is replaced by a sweaty white guy with neck muscles like mating dolphins. Hopefully this will keep us going until someone makes ''Space-Pilot Jesus Christ vs. Mecha-Pontius'', but don't delude yourselves - ''Enslaved'' isn't inspired by ''Journey To The West'', is it? That is something I find considerably difficult to swallow, because the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2409-Enslaved-Odyssey-to-the-West]

===[[w:Fallout: New Vegas|Fallout: New Vegas]]===
* And then I made it! I stepped out into the glittering lights of the city, the towering buildings noisy monoliths to the sheer potential of... why the fuck can't I move? The game froze up! I mean, my life froze up! I mean, all that radioactive toilet water must have given me some kind of paralysing... oh, bollocks to this. Roleplaying in ''[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]'' is difficult enough with the interface and the terrifying fixed eye-contact conversations without it bugging out as well. And it'll take more than [[w:Fallout:_New_Vegas#Hardcore_mode|having to stop for a sandwich and a piss]] every now and again to make ''Fallout 3'' more immersive. Maybe if you ground it into powder and dissolved it in a swimming pool, but it would probably only turn the water brown. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2435-Fallout-New-Vegas]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II]]===
* You've got to feel sorry for ''Star Wars'' fans in this day and age - when you're not mocking them or kicking them down flights of stairs, I mean.  They haven't exactly rolled a double-six in the great game of life to begin with, and now the one thing that has made their existence marginally less wretched is crumbling before their very eyes like old pastry in a dishwasher.  Between movies, games, books, and tea towels, the shit of ''Star Wars'' now vastly outweighs the good, which consists of the [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|first]] [[w:Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back|two movies]] and arguably ''[[w:Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Knights of the Old Republic]]''.  Not that they'll ever admit that.  It's quite entertaining to watch the level of denial die-hard Star Wars fans operate on as they try to convince you that the romance in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones|Attack of the Clones]]'' was totally believable.  To say Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had chemistry in that film is like saying that a chair stacked on another chair is a sizzlingly erotic love scene.  So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify ''The Force Unleashed II'', because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' Easy-Bake Oven.
* So: Here are all the ways you can kill people in this game, like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex. You can hit them with the lightsaber if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force-push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, ''then'' throw whatever mess remains at their mates. And you can Jedi mind-trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is incidentally hilarious. And yet, none of the enemies seem the least bit afraid of you. It's like they all went to the wrong briefing by mistake and, somewhere in the universe, a platoon of terrified SWAT officers with riot shields and machine guns are facing off against a single confused ewok. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2452-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed-II]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops|Call of Duty: Black Ops]]===
* Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: &quot;What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!&quot; So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: ''Call of Duty Black Ops'', another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, &quot;''PHWOARR, eh?''&quot;
* And there are many moments when I just want to yell, &quot;Time out!&quot; and demand someone explain what the fuck's going on before another thing explodes.  Because the thing about all the [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|''Call of Duty'' games]] I've played lately is that they all seem to be hooked up to I.V. drips full of Pop Rocks.  ''Black Ops'' just can't calm the fuck down.  If five seconds ever pass without a gunshot or an explosion, then it's probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit.  The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you 'round the back of the head every five seconds:  &quot;GO THERE! KEEP RUNNING! TAKE COVER! NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT! THERE! SHOOT THAT GUY! NOT HIM; HE'S ON YOUR SIDE! CAN'T YOU TELL? HE'S WEARING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HAT! QUICK! PICK UP THAT GRENADE AND THROW IT BACK! I DON'T KNOW, OVER THERE SOMEWHERE! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner, that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!&quot;  You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode, and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2486-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops]

===[[w:Category:iOS_games|iPhone Games]]===
*Completing the iPhone game chart top 3 at time of writing is [[w:Fruit Ninja|''Fruit Ninja'']] by Halfbrick Studios. This is about as simple as games get, there isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing. You're not [[w:Angry Birds|exacting revenge on limbless pigs]] or [[w:Cut the Rope|feeding your pet bitch lizard]]: you're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and '''fuck''' fruit! Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2506-iPhone-Games]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood|Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]]===
*My understanding was that [[w:Assassin's Creed (video game)|''Asscreed'']] [[w:Assassin's Creed II|as a series]] was about exploring various [[w:Crusades|historical]] [[w:Renaissance|settings]] with future Desmond as a framing device. But as much as I like Ezio, my concern after two games is that we're getting bogged down with our spaghetti-scoffing friend. I hate to say it, but maybe it's time for the inevitable game entirely about future Desmond. He's still got the personality of a damp fish (which might explain what his fish-lipped girlfriend sees in him) but the other characters in the Scooby gang are actually quite appealing, especially the snarky sarcastic misanthropic British man. He really rubs me up the right way. ''Can't think why!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2519-Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood]

===[[w:Splatterhouse (2010 video game)|Splatterhouse]]===
* Once you're mentally tuned into the Caligula mindset, the gore swiftly starts to feel repetitive and unsatisfying. One of the posters I saw for this game bore the tagline &quot;He'll rip your head off.&quot; This is at least accurate, but it would be even more so if it were followed by the words &quot;...and that's ''all'' he'll fucking do.&quot; In classic [[w:God of War (series)|Wad of Gore]] fashion, you can grab weakened enemies to do finishing moves, and most of them just involve pulling off the closest thing it has to a head. How about a little creativity my man? That one fellow you killed by shoving your hand up his arse and pulling his rectum out was original, or at least it was before you did it ''fifty fucking times''.
* That's it? Absolutely nothing between Rick and the mask gets resolved. So it might as well have just been playing classic FM into Rick's ear the whole time for all the point the foreshadowing had! It and a momentously disappointing boss fight reek of yet another game rushing things towards the end as the deadline loomed. Seems there's an obvious way to avoid this: Make the intro first, the ending second, then everything in between.  That way, if anything feels rushed or cut down, it'll be one of the bits in the middle no one cares about, while the ending is what people will remember. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2544-Splatterhouse]

===[[w:Epic Mickey|Epic Mickey]]===
* You know, as a child, I used to have a phobia of theme park mascots. Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake (the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes). The point is, I hadn't gotten over this problem by the time I got taken to Disneyland, and the day became a tense and fearful avoidance game at the first sign of oversized cranium - culminating in paroxysms of torment when the parade rolled around. The grins! A sea of grins! Staring. Judging. Winnie the Pooh doing some foul, perverted windmill dance with his exposed forearms. No, Goofy, I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
* There's this one vintage Mickey Mouse comic in which he breaks up with Minnie and spends the rest of the comic attempting suicide. [http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/mm301018.jpg I swear this is true], and it was way edgier than this! [[w:Chip_'n Dale_Rescue_Rangers#Video_games|''Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers'']] was edgier than this! Fucking [[w:Kingdom_Hearts|''Kingdom Hearts'']] was edgier than this, if only because of the usual JRPG pedophilia subtext. Two child abuse jokes and we've barely started; that never bodes well! 
* And why do think every other console controller has two analogue sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class; if you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2575-Epic-Mickey]

=== Holiday 2010 ===
* Since you should know by now that I have the Christmas week off, and you showed up anyway, I guess we're all going to be sitting in silence for the next five minutes while you contemplate how much you appreciate me.  ''(long pause)''  Oh, fine; here's some clips... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2589-Holiday-2010]

===[[w:2010 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2010]]===
* But to the yin must come the yang, to the cream must come the cheese, to the giddy high of new love must come irritable bowel syndrome. The worst game of the year, a game less substantial than a fart in an lift but no less unpleasant for those caught in its wafting cage, a game that killed its franchise so thoroughly that the only acceptable sequel would be a box containing nothing but an apology letter and some chocolates. I refer of course... to [[w:Halo: Reach|''Halo: Reach.'']] BURN! Had you going for a second there, didn't I - actually it's [[w:Fable III|''Fable 3'']]. ''BURNED'' again! No, seriously now - a game I found literally as headache-inducingly unpleasant as impacted wisdom teeth surgery in the middle of a rave.  Step forward, [[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days.'']] Step onto your first place podium, and then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2607-Top-5-of-2010]

===[[w:World of Warcraft: Cataclysm|World of Warcraft: Cataclysm]]===
* I asked someone who raids &quot;Why do you raid?&quot; &quot;To get the best items,&quot; they said. &quot;What do you use the best items for?&quot; I asked, to which they could only answer &quot;To raid with!&quot; But it's not about items, is it? You don't honestly care if your new crystal nethersword is going to clash with your elite boss-clogs, it's about the numbers! You want the items with the best ''numbers'' so you can use your ''numbers'' to decrease the enemy ''numbers'' until your ''numbers'' are the best in the land, and all the other guilds flock to regard your ''numbers'' with jealous awe! And before you argue that lots of [[w:Just Cause 2|games]] are about numbers when you get down to it, no one ever ruined their lives to get 100 percent items in ''Super Metroid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2634-World-of-Warcraft-Cataclysm]

===[[w:Fable III|Fable 3]]===
*I think I've realized what I don't like about [[w:Fable (video game series)|''Fable'':]] it's essentially ''fascist.'' Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing out-of-touch mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it [[w:Dirty Dancing|''Dirty Dancing.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3]

===[[w:Minecraft|Minecraft]]===
*This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. &quot;See those trees?&quot; it would begin by saying. &quot;Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the [http://www.minecraftwiki.net/wiki/Creeper exploding bush monsters] go away.&quot; It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3 There but for the grace of God go I,] suicide hedge. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2680-Minecraft]

===[[w:Lost in Shadow|A Shadow's Tale]]===
*One late game mechanic is magic archways that let you temporarily turn back into a physical object, but I'd noticed several of those archways on various levels before you acquire this power. Oh, you're going to make me backtrack aren't you, you little bastard? Sure enough, after however many samey boring levels it took to get to the top of the tower, I then had to go back through some samey boring tedious levels to gather some items to open up ''another'' set of samey boring tedious interminable levels, which I thought would be the end but then some more samey boring tedious interminable prosaic levels started up, and even reading this sentence is becoming samey, boring, tedious, interminable, prosaic and ''when does this fucking game end?!'' There are many ways to analyze a game, but uttering that sentence aloud never shines a positive light. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2714-A-Shadows-Tale]

===[[w:Dead Space 2|Dead Space 2]]===
*Now if I were a paranoid man (which I'm not, whatever people have been saying about me), I'd say ''Dead Space'' has started deliberately trying to provoke me. The very first thing that happens in ''Dead Space 2'' is a bloke turning into a Necromorph, fully illuminated and literally six inches away from your face, then it grabs you by the lapels and screams at you while his eyes pop out. This is the horror equivalent of a small child banging its head on a wall so you pay it attention. &quot;HEY LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU SCARED YET?! WHAT IF ALL THE SKIN ROLLED OFF MY FACE, ARE YOU SCARED NOW?! AAAAAAHHH!! DOING THIS REALLY HURTS ACTUALLY!! AAAAAAHHH!! I CURRENTLY REPRESENT A THREAT IN AN EXTREMELY UNSPECIFIC WAY!! AAAAAAHHH!!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2737-Dead-Space-2]

===[[w:DC Universe Online|DC Universe Online]]===
*Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until [[w:Lex Luthor|only one survives]], whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time (''no they don't say how, put your arm down!'') and brings a warning to two [[w:Superman|rodeo]] [[w:Batman|clowns]] and a [[w:Wonder Woman|prostitute]]. Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2757-DC-Universe-Online]

===[[w:Mindjack|Mindjack]]===
*Cover-based shooting is a little dry and overdone, even if it's perfectly executed, and the only way to perfectly execute ''Mindjack'' would be with a lethal injection. Once you've persuaded little Jimmy Meathead to take cover rather than perform roly-polys in front of the chosen wall, he has a terrible habit of firing into it, and at one point I couldn't see where I was shooting because the ammo counter on the side of the gun was in the way. Can't see the killing for my gun; how philosophical. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2793-MindJack]

===[[w:Two Worlds II|Two Worlds II]]===
*As is [[w:Fallout 3|fairly]] [[w:Two Worlds (game)|typical of]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind|western RPGs]], once you actually start playing, the establishing plot gets swiftly dog-piled under a labyrinth of side quests and intermediary objectives. And within a matter of hours I paused to reflect while escorting an old man into the sewer to make a trade with some underground organization on behalf of a crime lord so he'll eventually tell me about some tower that the orcs seemed really keen for me to visit, and realized that I'd completely forgotten how any of it related to the overarching possessed-princess/dark-lord motivation that I still don't get what was going on there! This is always the part of [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|western RPGs]] I have difficulty with because I always lose the sense of flow. After a few quests and a particularly financially ruinous trip to the armor shop, I find myself floating around a peasant village dressed like a dandy cutlery drawer with no smegma-chugging idea of what to do next! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2819-Two-Worlds-II]

===[[w:Bulletstorm|Bulletstorm]]===
*Thank ''Christ'' for companies like [[w:Epic Games|Epic]], for games like ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'', that popularized fat space marines trundling between chest-high walls like they're in wheelchairs. But in 2004, a company called [[w:People Can Fly|People Can Fly]] shirked modern trends to create ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]],'' a fast, frantic and shamingly fun evocation of the bygone age and [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller one of my favorite shooters of all time]. [[w:World of Warcraft|&quot;Wow!&quot;]] said Epic. &quot;You really showed us how it's done, People Can Fly. Why don't you step over here for a second? Come on, don't be shy, we're not going to hurt you... NOW! DROP THE NET! HIT THEM WITH STICKS! Phew, nipped that one in the bud!&quot; So now that People Can Fly have been [http://www.joystiq.com/2007/08/20/epic-believes-people-can-fly-acquires-majority-stake  roundly whipped into line], they and Epic Games can bring you ''Bulletstorm'', a game about fat space marines. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2863-Bulletstorm]

===[[w:Killzone 3|Killzone 3]]===
* Pardon me for being detestably predicable, but I'm now going to complain about how all the bad guys in ''Killzone'' are British. Because someone should get pissed off about this, and it might as well be me. I stood up for the Russians when I reviewed all those [[w: Singularity (video game)|cold war]] [[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2 | fantasist]] [[w: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2| wank]] [[w: Call of Duty: Black Ops| games]], and I don't even know any Russians! I'm fine with that thing where the big villain is a posh British guy, because let's face it, cooing at rainbows sounds evil when you do it in a posh British accent. It's only when you make all the evil soldiers cockneys that you enter the prejudice parade. Cockney doesn't sound evil! It sounds honest and cheeky-chips loveable! You couldn't picture Dick Van Dyke hiding in the bushes in a park, popping children's balloons with a blowpipe! You might say I'm making too much of a fuss, but someone on the dev team at some point said to themselves, &quot;We have a race whose every individual member is so morally bankrupt that players will feel perfectly justified in splattering them painfully against the scenery. Now how do we bring that across in a sort of vocal short hand&quot;? And the most bitter pill to swallow is that they look like Nazis. ''We helped defeat the Nazis!'' Maybe we won't next time, America. Maybe after China buys you and puts you all to work in the sweat shops and you crawl to Europe for help, we'll go; &quot;Hmm, well, we would but apparently we're evil, so, hands tied.&quot;
* Anyway, let it never be said that I'm some ignorant ''[[w:Loom (video game)|Loom]]''-smashing Luddite, because I started playing ''Killzone 3'' not only with the [[w:PlayStation Move|PlayStation Move]] controls but also with the 3D option on my new massive 3D TV that I bought with all my ad revenue money (much obliged, Internet!)  The motion controls didn't last ten minutes. After calibrating (''Calibrating,'' fuck! Starting a game these days is like starting up a fucking cruise liner), the aim was wavery and difficult, I didn't know where they'd moved all the buttons to, and my big red glowing controller was reflecting in the screen and giving people hilarious clown noses! So, after getting sniped silly for a while, that went out the window and I took up a nice sensible SIXAXIS which didn't stop the game from throwing in motion-controlled turny switches whenever it could get away with it. The 3D held out a bit longer - yeah, things in the foreground were getting all prominent and shit but everything from the middle distance on looked like a big flat matte backdrop like the game was taking place in a puppet theater. After a while I turned it off and suddenly I was astounded by the detail in a nearby wood texture now that I wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. Things ten feet away stopped popping in all the time and my dog came back to life! So fuck [[w:PlayStation_Eye|modern technology]] right in its cutting edge! ''Ow!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2915-Killzone-3]

===[[w:Kirby's Epic Yarn|Kirby's Epic Yarn]]===
*Obviously the game starts about as challenging as a polystyrene prison, but over time it remembers its heritage and gains a few teeth. A Meta Knight boss fight in particular - and I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2948-Kirbys-Epic-Yarn]

===[[w:Dragon Age II|Dragon Age II]]===
*Before a subtitle can be thought up we need to determine exactly what ''Dragon Age II'' is about. Much like [[w:Dragon Age: Origins|the first one]], it's all about the representative messages, and can't go five minutes without someone being really heavy-handedly racist against mages, elves, dwarves, goldfish et cetera, which is why I find it somewhat ironic that you're only allowed to play as a human this time around. When the first game let you pick from an entire Burger King Kids' Club of races and backstories, here you're always a human with the surname &quot;Hawke,&quot; so to compensate for the lack of choice other characters can actually address you by name. Whoop di fuckin' [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|do]]. And I'd just like to point out that this is quite a long game, so being a male character with the first name [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan]] is going to stop being funny very fast. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2978-Dragon-Age-II]

===[[w:Pokemon White|Pokemon White]]===
*In an alternative world in which the school system is regarded with ''universal'' contempt, children are encouraged to roam the wildnerness siccing wild animals on every motherfucker who crosses their field of vision. You know in the intro to [[w:Syndicate Wars|''Syndicate Wars'']] where the lad who lives in the dystopian nightmare city has this chip in his head that makes him think he's living in picturesque small town America? I like to think the protagonists of ''Pokemon'' all have the same chips and in reality are exploring various murky basements with a sack full of rats and mangy attack dogs. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3008-Pokemon-White]

===[[w:Yakuza 4|Yakuza 4]]===
* The amount of modern Japanese culture that gets worked in makes me wonder if it's not actually aimed at foreign tourists. The equivalent would be a British game in which you play a Bobby in ol' London town, healing up by eating fish 'n' chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3035-Yakuza-4]

===[[w:Crysis 2|Crysis 2]]===
*An aspect of the plot I actually liked is that Alcatraz is basically a collection of broken bones and ruptured organs held together with spit, and the suit is acting as some combination iron lung and wheelchair and is the only reason he's still upright, and nowhere is this more apparent than when you've run out of suit power in the middle of a pitched battle, and are trying to waddle behind a bit of wall like you've just caced your pants. It's refreshing to see an unstoppable action protagonist who also comes across as vulnerable and tragic. [[w:Nathan Drake (character)|Nathan Drake]] could perch his rectum on the top of a flagpole and wisecrack all the way down to the floor, and he still wouldn't be an ounce as sympathetic as a silent protagonist who has essentially been reduced to a load of beef stew in an thermos flask. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3079-Crysis-2]

===[[w: Nintendo 3DS|Nintendo 3DS]]===
*So with motion controls on the way out - my theory is that if I keep saying that it will become more and more true - Nintendo needed to get started on next week's wage packet. The interesting thing about Nintendo is that they're kind of like [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] in that they don't do middle ground, they're either [[w:Leaving Las Vegas|doing really well]] or [[w:The Wicker Man (2006 film)|shitting a hole straight through the bed.]] When they get bored of making [[w:Super Mario Galaxy|solid ''Mario'' platformers]] and attracting a strong user base, they create [[w:Virtual Boy|consoles that make your eyes explode]] and [[w:Metroid: Other M|license Team Ninja to make ''Metroid'' games]]. 3D may be an utterly pointless gimmick [[w:Killzone 3|that adds about as much to games as putting glittery rainbow stickers on the cover]], but will the 3DS be what changes all that? Well, sort of, in that now the glittery rainbow sticker is in a small wooden box and you have to look at it through a hole. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3112-Nintendo-3DS]

===[[w:Portal 2|Portal 2]]===
*[[w:Portal (video game)|''Portal'']] is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in. It's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/videos/zeropunctuation/2655-Yahtzee-Visits-Valve-a-Travelogue come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people.] In the time since then and the release of ''Portal 2,'' you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for ''Portal 1'': it's got the worst fucking ''fans'' in the world. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinion with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word &quot;cake,&quot; and the good thing in question can never be the same again. This is technically known as the [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|&quot;Knights Who Say Ni&quot;]] Effect.
* Fortunately, I eventually found where all the actual puzzles were hiding; they're in the co-op campaign which I played through with one of my fat friends. With the addition of two extra portals to play around with, the puzzles are bigger and better and satisfying to solve through teamwork. If you need to swiftly make friends with someone, like a future father-in law or armed burglar, then you couldn't find a better ice breaker. I just don't think it has any replay value whatsoever. If you played it again with another fat friend, you'd just get sick of lugging the ball and chain around and they'd resent you for not letting them figure shit out on their own. So, make doubly sure that your armed burglar isn't an avid PC gamer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3153-Portal-2]

===[[w:Castlevania: Symphony of the Night|Castlevania: Symphony of the Night]]===
* Visually, ''Symphony of the Night'' is [[w:Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band|dense as all shit]], but then it was on the [[w:Sony Playstation|PS1]]. With the advent of CDs for console gaming, games suddenly had lots of disc space to spread their elbows out, and a lot of developers used that [[w:Resident Evil (video game)|to have FMVs up the butt]] or make [[w:Silent Hill (video game)|games in that hideous first-generation 3D]] that looked like origami modeling with used toilet paper. But ''Symphony of the Night'' stuck to 2D and completely tarted itself up, and it's still niceer to look at than the many incarnations of [[w:Quake II|Captain]] [[w:Resistance: Fall of Man|Greybrown]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Loadsofbloom]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3188-Castlevania-Symphony-of-the-Night]

===[[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|Mortal Kombat]]===
* I am frankly flabbergasted that a game like ''Mortal Kombat'' can seriously be considered [[relevant]] in this day and age, at a time when [[w:Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds|fighting games]] are thought to have humiliated themselves if they don't show up with their roster filling at least two school buses, ''Mortal Kombat'' should by rights have been kneecapped for showing up with only seven playable fighters, [[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|two of]] [[w:Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat)|which]] being [[w:Daniel Pesina|the same guy]] wearing different coloured jumpers. And while fully-rendered graphics might be a little overkill for a 2D fighter, using photo cutouts of people in costumes has got to be the most ghetto-fucking solution short of cutting out pencil doodles on the sides of milk cartons. And what I understand least of all is why everyone is saying this game is a new release when Wikipedia quite clearly states that it came out in August 1992...oh, do you know what I've done? I've got ''Mortal Kombat'', the 2011 release, confused with [[w:Mortal Kombat (video game)|''Mortal Kombat'', the game from 20 years ago with the same exact name]]! '''''Do you see how confusing this gets?!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3250-Mortal-Kombat]

===[[w:Brink (video game)|Brink]]===
*Incidentally I'd like to invite fans of ''Brink'' to take a shot every time I mention [[w:Team Fortress 2|''Team Fortress 2'']] - hopefully by the end of this video you won't feel so poorly disposed towards me. You know how ''Team Fortress 2'' (take a shot) introduced optional hats and unlockables that did nothing but mess with perfectly good visual design like a bunch of jelly beans sprinkled on a wedding cake? Well, [[w:Bethesda Softworks|Bethesda]] saw this and cried, &quot;Valve will never outdo us when it comes to making bad decisions! Fully customizable outfits for everyone! You won't even be able to fucking ''see'' the wedding cake behind the jelly beans!&quot; You want to know the ironic thing, though? Even with this feature, every character looks exactly the bloody same. That's failing to a new level.  That's like standing on a rake and the end of the rake has a grenade taped to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3286-Brink]

===[[w:L.A. Noire|L.A. Noire]]===
*Mind you, it's not exactly a brain-melter to deduce whether someone's lying or not. This is the inherent problem when you tell your mo-cap actor, &quot;Look like you're [[w:Tony Blair|lying]], and I know you're acting and therefore lying all the time, so this time exaggerate it,&quot; so of course they're going to spin their eyes like fruit machines and shift around like someone's trying to work an ant farm up their bum. The much-touted realistic facial animation is indeed very impressive and you can often clearly recognize the real-world actor who did the mo-cap, such as TV's [[w:Greg_Grunberg|Greg Grunberg]]! But while the faces are very realistic and well-animated, somewhat less attention has been afforded to the bodies, with the usual game problem of weird-looking joints and cardboard clothes. So a rather eerie effect is created, and some characters look like [[w:Gerry Anderson|Gerry Anderson]] finally snapped and started taping the decapitated heads of jobbing TV actors to his [[w:Captain_Scarlet_and_the_Mysterons|Captain Scarlet]] puppets. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3347-L-A-Noire]

===[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings]]===
*Amongst the 700 subcategories of inventory items you can gather like a bum with a shopping trolley are mutagens and weapon upgrades. But if you ask how you're supposed to equip them then you're committing a social faux pas again. Why do I even have an inventory screen if double-clicking on every single item makes the game slap you across the wrist and say &quot;No, we do that from a ''different'' screen! No we ''won't'' tell you which one! And put on a fucking tie! Where were you raised, [[w:World of Warcraft|Azeroth]]?!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3443-The-Witcher-2-Assassins-of-Kings]

===[[w:Hunted: The Demon's Forge|Hunted: The Demon's Forge]]===
*The first boss fight is the most disheartening moment. Through a lengthy network of caves and dungeons (some sections of which were so fucking murky I literally ended up resorting to casting fireball everywhere just so I could see where the fuck I was going), I was buoyed by the ongoing promise of a boss fight with a giant spider that kept appearing over the horizon like the bedroom eyes of a courtesan peering coquettishly over her fan. Although it very clearly only had four legs, so I don't know why everyone kept calling it a spider. For tedious multitudes of chambers the game went &quot;Ooh, it could be in the ''very next room''! I guess you'll only find out if you keep going, won't you?&quot; And then finally the giant spider found a window in its meeting schedule and chased me through a big cave for a bit before I lobbed two bombs at it and dropped a rock on its head. &quot;Exciting!&quot; said I, &quot;Can I fight it now? What do you mean it's dead? What, we're just gonna move on?&quot; I felt like I'd queued for hours to get on a roller coaster that went down one dip and then dropped you off at the gift shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3540-Hunted-The-Demons-Forge]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)]]===
*The interesting thing about ''Forever'' is that you can practically cut it in half and see the entire fourteen years of shooter evolution it's tried to keep up with, like the rings in a tree stump. It starts off campy and colorful in a ''[[w:SiN (video game)|SiN]]''/''[[w:Blood II: The Chosen|Blood II: The Chosen]]'' kind of way, then it moves into the dark, sweaty unpleasant ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]''/''[[w:Prey (video game)|Prey]]''/''[[w:Quake IV|Quake IV]]'' period when you go into the alien hive (and incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of ''[[w:The Human Centipede|The Human Centipede]]'' into the middle of ''[[w:Mallrats|Mallrats]]''). And by the last mission Duke has finally embraced the [[w:Killzone 3|FPSs]] [[w:Call of Duty 4|of today]], meaning you run around a grey/brown industrial area for a while and then get a shit ending. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3581-Duke-Nukem-Forever-for-real-this-time]

===[[w:inFAMOUS 2|Infamous 2]]===
* Ya' know, it's easy to let obnoxious socialites like ''Duke Nukem: Forever'' prance about grabbing headlines, but do we stop to appreciate all the [[w:inFAMOUS|non-squeaky wheels]] who just work efficiently, without needing development cycles longer than the average natural lifespan of a [[w:St._Bernard_(dog)|Saint Bernard]]? Everyone longs to catch the eye of that ditzy straight line block in ''Tetris'', but no one stops to thank the workaday T-shaped block for it's diligent and efficient service.
*I know ''inFAMOUS'' is kind of stuck with the whole moral choice thing since the game's pretty much named after it, but no fairy godmothers have showed up since the first game to wave her wand and have it start making sense. Look, if you have two equally viable, equally difficult solutions to a problem - say, humanely suffocating your costly vegetative wife with a pillow or digging through to her femoral arteries with a cheese grater - than the ''[[w:It (1990 film)|evil]]'' option (which if you're having trouble keeping up is the ''second'' one) is just irrational! And you can't relate to a character whose actions don't make any fucking sense! Surely the evil option is supposed to be the more convenient but riskier one that would appeal to someone weak-willed. You could spend a lot of time and effort sprucing yourself up and trolling the bars to find someone to romance and settle down with, or you can just fuck a cow and risk angry farmers with paparazzi connections. ''That's'' a moral choice. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3611-Infamous-2]

===[[w:Alice: Madness Returns|Alice: Madness Returns]]===
* When video games have forged the new utopian society ''Bill and Ted''-style, eventually there's going to be a war over whether to sanctify or demonize the bloke who figured out you could make cinematics by zooming in really close on the concept art... Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there! Who remembers American McGee? He was a bloke who worked on ''Doom'' and got a free ride, just like everyone else who worked on ''Doom''. I think the bloke who made the tea for the ''Doom'' team got to make his own game. His name was John Romero-- '''''No!'''''
* Even the trademark creepy imagery seems a bit phoned in and a bit over-reliant on creepy dolls. Yes, a porcelain doll's head with no hair or eyeballs is a creepy thing, but after the five hundred millionth one they kind of get devalued in the global creep economy, falling below sweaty Uncle Dan and the feeling of another person's bum warmth on your toilet seat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3652-Alice-Madness-Returns]

===[[w:Shadows of the Damned|Shadows of the Damned]]===
* ...For a game that seems to have set out with the plan to bring three big names together and wait for the explosion, none of the three amigos brought their A-game. [[w:Akira_Yamaoka|Akira Yamaoka]] randomly smashing at his banjo strings suited the disquieting surreality of ''[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill]]'', but not so much a quirky action/horror game that seems to be mouthing along to a squealing heavy metal soundtrack that it doesn't have. On the gameplay side, where was the [[w:Shinji Mikami|Shinji Mikami]] who once made [[w:Resident Evil 4|a game where dozing off for one second led to you getting your head chainsawed off by a mad Spaniard?]] And while enough of the disposable income of the alternative crowd glimmered invitingly in the eyes of publishers for the game to be marketed with the tagline, &quot;A [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda51]] Trip,&quot; for all ''Shadows of the Damned's'' demon skull nobstitutions, this is probably the most grounded Suda51's ever been. ''[[w:killer7|Killer7]]'' was a trip; this is more like a bank holiday day out to go watch someone throw horse giblets at a lingerie shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3675-Shadows-of-the-Damned]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 3|FEAR 3]]===
*You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your [[w:Driv3r|clever douchebag sequel name]], it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud, as in ''[[w:Se7en (film)|Sesevenen]]'' and indeed ''Fthreear.'' Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell ''Thief 4'''s logo [http://thief.wikia.com/wiki/THI4F is playing at]. When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an &quot;E&quot; with a &quot;4?&quot; If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times then our daughters will all be shagging [[w:Che Guevara|Communists]] by this time next year. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3724-FEAR-3]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D|The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D]]===
* I remember ''Twilight Princess'' being too easy because it was compensating for the Wiimote being as friendly as an attack dog that's been trained to administer Chinese burns. Then again, I've been trained by all the more recent [[w:Phantom Hourglass|Zelda]] [[w:Spirit Tracks|games]] that have really just been building on ''Ocarina of Time'', so playing ''Ocarina of Time'' now is like a surgeon re-training as a fishmonger. I know that you should look to the side missions to replace that rat scrotum you call a coin purse, but 1998 audiences didn't. Is it fair to say that later Zelda games had better gameplay and characters with actual arcs and more personality than a lungfish in a moist bath towel, when ''Ocarina of Time'' was the template from which all those games arose? Probably not. But if you ask me, Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot. What with N64 technology being [[w:List of Video Game Console Emulators|emulatable only on dried leaves and bits of old twig]], Nintendo were this close to having an entire generation who might never even have known ''Ocarina of Time'' existed, and ''[[w:Skyward Sword|Skyward Sword]]'' might have blown their minds. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3780-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Ocarina-of-Time-3D]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: The Cartel|Call of Juarez: The Cartel]]===
*But the AI don't go after collectibles; they usually just stand there staring at you with gormless uncomprehending eyes.  They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section, if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The AI will pile into the back seat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth.  And as I said, they can't aim for shit.  But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes, &quot;You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know.&quot;  '''THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3801-Call-of-Juarez-The-Cartel]

===[[w:Bastion (video game)|Bastion]] and [[w:From Dust|From Dust]]===
*So enough with these iron-sight examination simulators, I'm going where the worlds are bleak and the heads are large for my third XBLA double bill! And with characteristic convenience, the XBLA has recently chundered up two games that both approach the theme of world-building from vastly different directions. Perhaps this speaks to some larger trend within society today, or a prevailing desire on the part of indie designers to recreate the entire world into one where you can charge more than fifteen bucks for your game design degree course work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3839-Bastion-and-From-Dust]

===[[w:Catherine (video game)|Catherine]]===
*[[w:Final Fantasy VII|Video games]] seem to be a little bit frightened of relationships, in a curious reflection of their predominantly male and sweaty customer base. Oh, there are [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|plenty]] [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|games]] that depict the ''commencement'' of a relationship, generally as a consequence of [[w:Super Mario Bros|Party A rescuing Party B from a giant fire-breathing lizard thing]] or [[w:Bulletstorm|an evil general]] or their own virginity depending on the genre. Very few games are about a relationship that's already going on except when one half of it exists solely to get murdered at one point so that the other half can seek revenge without someone constantly asking them how they think jumping over turtles, shooting mercenaries, or fucking each other all day in the butt is going to bring in enough money to raise a family. Well, now the balance is being restored by ''Catherine,'' a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?
* ...It'd be fair to call ''Catherine'' a story-driven game. And I guess the biggest problem I have with the story is that Vincent is such a fucking tool! Catherine (that's psycho Catherine, not frumpy Katherine) basically bullies him into getting seduced by her; yeah, maybe her running around in a net curtain might have helped, but still. And if the dude could take five seconds to just explain things rather than stammer out more lies while sweating like James Murdoch at a government hearing, then he could probably sort everything out! But no, he just accepts guilt and whines about it incessantly to his mates, every single one of whom would be well within their rights to powerbomb his face into the nearest bollard. I think this is an anime thing, where they like their protagonists angsty and ineffectual and given to wanking off over unconscious women. I watched an anime once; dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst!  I wouldn't mind, but he missed!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3872-Catherine]

===[[w:Red Faction: Armageddon|Red Faction Armageddon]]===
* The title was the first telltale heart murmur. &quot;Armageddon&quot; is one of those words from the subtitle bucket, like &quot;Chronicles&quot; or &quot;Resurrection,&quot; a word you stick on the end of your sequel name to communicate the fact that you have less creativity than a pencil sharpener. ''Red Faction Armageddon'' is the final game of a trilogy that started with ''[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]'' (don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once). You play Darius Mason, the grandson of Alec Mason from ''Guerrilla'', who is engaged in conflict with an evil cult leader who was apparently defeated once before by Darius' dad. And everything indicates to me that Darius' dad's actions were the events of a second intervening game that wasn't actually made. In which case, what frightens me is that someone at [[w:THQ|THQ]] looked at Darius and Darius' dad and decided that ''Darius'' was the more interesting one! Mason Sr. must have been a geography teacher who defeated the cultists by diligently doing his taxes at them! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3942-Red-Faction-Armageddon]

===[[w:Deus Ex (video game)|Deus Ex]]===
*The year is 2000 the shooter was riding PC gaming like a trusted pony (a pony that you occasionally had to slap or replace with a completely different better pony, but trusted nonetheless). With ''Half Life'' ,''Thief'' and ''System Shock 2'' first person games have been steadily raising the bar, then a company called Ion Storm made ''Daikatana'' and made the bar tunnel right into the ground beyond the wit of spelunker. But then at the same time Ion Storm brought out ''Deus Ex'' which is widely considered the greatest PC game of all time. That may sound like incongruous behavior for a developer but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledging Ion Storm was split into it's good half and it's evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas that made ''Daikatana'' and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables. And the good half was Ion Storm Austin which made ''Deus Ex'' and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of all the good little boys and girls.
*Having deliberately avoided any exposure to ''Human Revolution'' up to the time of writing, I sincerely hope to be dining on these words with tartar sauce by the time this video goes out, but I don't see how these days you can have a game with anything near as much depth and complexity as ''Deus Ex 1!'' And before all you people who liked ''[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2]]'' start pounding your keyboards so hard that it starts snowing Cheeto dust, I meant the kind of complexity ''that I like!'' A plot where people can reference philosophy and [[w:G.K. Chesterton|G.K. Chesterton]] in really, really bad accents! And that has intuitive inventory sorting, and a health system where you can get all your arms and legs blown off and have to slither over to a health station using only your lips! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4093-Deus-Ex]

===[[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|Deus Ex: Human Revolution]]===
*Deus Ex: Human Revolution centralizes the debate surrounding transhuman augmentation. &quot;Would you,&quot; it asks, &quot;supplement your body with machinery?&quot; What do you mean, would I? I already wear spectacles and a wristwatch, and I always carry a phone, which I'm currently in the process of duct-taping to the side of my head. Anyone who talks about technological development being &quot;unnatural&quot; deserves to be abandoned in the wilderness wearing nothing but a fig leaf. But even if I weren't biased, if there's a conflict growing between a group of people with ocean liner pistons for forearms and a group of people who insist that everyone should be forced to be as shit as they are, I know which side I'd rather be on. Hey, I've got a better name for the pro-humanity movement: The Sore Losers' Club!
* I don't know how many more times I have to say this, but I guess at least once: a boss fight is not just a random enemy who's eaten three times as many protein bars as everybody else! A boss fight is supposed to be a final exam for everything we've learned up to that point! Ideally, ''Human Revolution'' would have given the option of gunning the boss down, also maybe hacking some turrets to fight for you, or sneaking away up into the rafters to drop pianos on their head - but no, all you can do is shoot them. And considering I was going for the non-lethal pussy run, my tranq rifle and stun gun were a fat lot of good against a bloke who appeared to be occupying the same space as a combine harvester armed with a gun that shoots exploding furniture that kills you in two hits, so I basically had to quicksave every time I successfully made it to the other side of the room before my internal organs did! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4137-Deus-Ex-Human-Revolution]

===[[w: Driver: San Francisco|Driver: San Francisco]]===
* Switching instantly to any car anywhere is the main gameplay gimmick that's woven nicely into the storyline. John Tanner, cut as he is from the generic white bread wise-cracky douche hero template, starts getting pretty likable when he has the [[w:Groundhog Day (film)|''Groundhog Day'']] revelation that he can now live life without consequence, immediately possessing a driving student and speeding through the oncoming lane just to make the dick instructor mess his corduroys. Serve and Protect, ladies and gentlemen! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4181-Driver-San-Francisco]

===[[w:Dead Island|Dead Island]]===
* One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It'll be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an [[w:Dead Rising 2|avalanche]] [[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|of]] [[w:28 Days Later|zombie]] [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|games,]] [[w:Zombieland|movies,]] and [[w:Pride and Prejudice and Zombies|reinterpretations of classic literature.]] I'll call it, &quot;ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING ZOMBIES ALREADY!&quot; Honestly, at this point, you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets [[w:Ben_&quot;Yahtzee&quot;_Croshaw#Jam|covered in carnivorous jam]], you'll have to make papier-mache zombie facsimiles just to get through the day! Except, let's face it, however you might imagine zombie apocalypses giving you a new lease on life, we all know most of you would start talking suicide pacts if the Internet went down for more than a week. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4694-Dead-Island]

===[[w:Resistance 3|Resistance 3]]===
*So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics and regenerating health. Wait, what are these [[w:Mountain Dew|glowing green things]] lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, ''Resistance 3'' does not have regenerating health! Holy bum-nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at once... I ''can'' carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a freeze ray and a lightning rod and a thing I like to call [[w:The Jimi Hendrix Experience|&quot;The Jimi Hendrix Experience&quot;]] because it [[w:Jimi_Hendrix#Death|makes people puke themselves to death.]] They're quite fun to use, and there are no cover mechanics because the game assumes you can strategically use a wall without having to rub yourself on it and give it kisses. Erm... [[w:Sony|Sony]], are you all right? I'm not complaining or anything but I'm kind of feeling how the Greeks might have felt if the Trojans had just surrendered before the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] was finished. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4728-Resistance-3]

===[[w:Gears of War 3|Gears of War 3]]===
*Now, before any of you ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'' fans rush off to humiliate yourselves in the comments section by posting something along the lines of, &quot;What did you expect, ''Gears of War'' is about chainsaw bayonet vasectomies, plot and character is for girls and people with sensibly proportioned necks,&quot; I'd like to preemptively tell you to ''fuck off,'' and here's why. If I had said that ''Gears of War 3'''s plot was a spellbinding emotional roller coaster from start to finish, none of you motherfucking fanboys would be saying the plot doesn't matter. You'd trumpet that from the fucking rooftops until someone asked you to leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4763-Gears-of-War-3]

===[[w:Hard Reset|Hard Reset]]===
* It's true the game does the ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]'' thing, making multitudes of monsters to mob you mercilessly, but as with the environments they forgot the whole variety thing, and you only ever seem to fight two kinds of aggressive [[w:Roomba|Roomba]] and a few palette-swapped wheelie bins. There's really no way of saying this without giving ammunition to conservative anti-game campaigners, but there isn't as much fun to be had in shooting robots as there is in shooting organic lifeforms. When I fire a rocket into a cluster of charging monsters, I like to know that the cleanup will have to be done with a mop rather than a broom! It's hard to explain, but surely we can all agree that the lawnmower scene from ''[[w:Braindead (film)|Braindead]]'' just wouldn't have been as memorable if it had been taking place in the audio/visual department of [[w:Harvey Norman|Harvey Norman's]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4784-Hard-Reset]

===[[w:Rage (video game)|Rage]]===
*Call me a cynic (please, it's my only sense of identity), but when some resistance movement shows up demanding I dress up in a sheep costume and jump through some hoops making suggestive baa-ing noises before they'll let me fight the evil government who I have yet to actually fucking see, there's only one organization I feel I'm being oppressed by here! Especially when they all seem content to sit around in the base eating pancakes while I'm sent off alone to slaughter saucepan-wearing bandits du jour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4824-Rage]

===[[w:Kinect|Kinect]]===
* First of all, I tried out ''[[w:Child of Eden|Child of Eden]]'', the polygon murder spree from the creators of polygon-murder-spree ''[[w:Rez|Rez]]'', essentially a rail shooter about the internet being under attack by an amassed army of forgotten screen savers.  Certainly a spectacular display, but even a cosmic dance with a hundred large-breasted space fish loses something when you have to replay it for the third time because you weren't clear on what you were supposed to be doing.  Yeah, I know, game, &quot;''Use'' my left hand to shoot down the purple projectiles before they hit me.&quot;  Now in what specific way did you envision me ''using'' my left hand, 'cause that could mean anything from waving it to sticking a bowling pin up a gorilla's ass.  Eventually I figured out that &quot;use&quot; meant, &quot;Do the same thing you do with the right hand to use your normal weapon, but keep your right hand pinned to your side because I might think you're trying to strangle me and go in to a panic.&quot;  And even then, the usual delay motion sensors have before registering your action led to several frustrating game-overs.  And every now and again, the game would pause itself right as it was getting excited, because it assumes that any ambiguity of motion on your part means that you have suddenly been abducted by space monsters.  But doing panicky improvised t'ai chi to amuse graph paper is not gaming.  It's more like therapy for geometry-phobics.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4863-Kinect]

:'''Male voice''' Only on Kinect for Xbox 360 2010-2013.

===[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]===
*''Arkham City'' isn't getting out of here without a recommendation, but it's worth remembering that when you go straight sandbox you lose control of a certain amount of structure. A word of warning: if you're like me - handsome, talented and secretly longing for death - you'll want to finish the main story first and do the side missions in post-ending fuckabouts, because you need all the gadgets to find all the secrets. And then like me, you'll end up flapping back and forth like a confused magpie at the aluminum foil tennis championships trying to trigger the side missions that your quest log says you haven't found yet. And like me, you'll eventually look it up and discover that some but not all of the side missions get locked off if you don't finish them by the story end. And then like me, you'll probably make a noise that's somewhere between a sigh and a gnash, and then like me you'll say &quot;How does that make any donkey-boffing sense?!&quot; And like me you'll maybe jump up and down a few times, and like me you should probably stop padding this video out. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4915-Batman-Arkham-City]

===[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]===
*''Battlefield 3'' was built on the [[w:Frostbite_(game_engine)|Frostbite 2]] engine - I know this for a fact because it can't go five minutes without banging on about it. This is a game that isn't trying to sell an engaging experience or even the military lifestyle, it's trying to sell destruction physics and the lighting engine. This becomes clear around the second time a building collapses with the camera angled in such a way as if to say &quot;You may now appreciate this. A minimum level of appreciation is required to continue.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4948-Battlefield-3]

===[[w:Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception|Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception]]===
* The game opens in London, with Drake walking off cobbled streets into an English pub with a ''motherfucking red phone box'' out the front where every single member of the clientèle looks like Grant Mitchell from [[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]. Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. 
* In one of the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the developers flat-out admit that they think up the spectacular set pieces first and then come up with the plot around them. And by ''Christ'' does it show, because [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|these games]] are getting as formulaic as a Scooby-Doo episode. Who wants to bet the lost treasure at the end will turn out to have been deliberately lost because there's some negative effect surrounding it that the bad guys want to weaponize? And that Drake will pull off the main villain's face and it'll turn out to be old man Withers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4972-Uncharted-3-Drakes-Deception]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]]===
*''Modern Warfare 3'' starts off with the advantage for being a continuation of the ongoing ''Modern Warfare'' plot and then it fumbles the advantage and serves directly into the umpire's flask of tea. Once again the action switches back and forth between the US military fighting off the sinister Russians and Captain Price et al in pursuit of some bastard who was apparently responsible. I love how that always works, don't you? Remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and now there's no terrorism anywhere in the world ever? Occasionally you also play as other characters who always have the life expectency of a rat in a homeless man's mouth, but more on that later. For me, ''Modern Warfare 3'''s plot makes its signature turn right around the bend when Russia invades Europe. As in, all of it. Simultaneously. Now I've never invaded Europe except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately! 
*The driving plot point of ''Modern Warfare 3'' is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, ''who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?!'' Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President - you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5006-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-3]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim]]===
* Nitpicking is unhelpful, however, and I'm in the kind of mood that I'm prepared to overlook a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim'', which is good, because there are a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim''.  But I'll applaud it if it means we can have less games that treat me like a child stuck in a pipe, Games Industry. I will applaud it as hard as you like.  I will slap at my palms until my future children suffer masturbation guilt.  ''No I don't know what I'm on about; go away.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5020-The-Elder-Scrolls-V-Skyrim]

===[[w:Saints Row: The Third|Saints Row: The Third]]===
* Now, the first ''[[w:Saints Row|Saints Row]]'' game was comparatively straight. It wasn't exactly ''Homicide: Life on the Street,'' but you weren't going to climb aboard any rocket-powered jet-bikes either. ''[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]'' leaned wackier, with a slightly unhealthy fascination with spraying poo at things other people would rather you didn't spray poo at, but was still somewhat grounded in reality at least. ''Saints Row: The Third'' drinks wackazade from a clown shoe. This is a trilogy progression we academics call, &quot;[[w:The Evil Dead (1981 film)|Evil]] [[w:Evil Dead II|Dead]] [[w:Army of Darkness|Syndrome]],&quot; and I'm not sure I like it. The funny parts of ''Saints Row 2'' shone all the brighter alongside its more po-faced aspects - it's when you're wearing full lucha libre gear, thwacking at zombies with a big floppy dildo as part of the everyday routine that it starts to feel less special. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5056-Saints-Row-The-Third]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Revelations|Assassin's Creed: Revelations]]===
*The cynic is an isolationist beast but can always recognize [[w:Ubisoft|one of their own]], and the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is getting very cynical. I like [[w:Assassins Creed II|the games]] but I feel my like is being exploited for coin, and at the risk of devaluing one of my favorite words, it's now faffing about like it's never faffed before and the faffing is getting out of hand. All of this bullshit - the [[w:Championship Manager|Championship Manager]] human resources management games, the [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|Templants vs. Zomsassins]] - all of this is just more and more layers of flaky pastry between me and the succulent meat of the ''Assassin's Creed'' Cornish pasty: one bloke in a bedsheet hopping about on the rooftops, carefully planning a stealthy guerrilla assault, to surgically strike like a thumbtack in a McChicken sandwich! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5114-Assassins-Creed-Revelations]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword|The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword]]===
* Speaking of ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|Wind Waker]]'', spiritually ''Skyward Sword'' feels quite reminiscent of it, except you're exploring an ocean of clouds rather than the more traditional ocean of water.  But if the surface world is supposed to be so completely covered in clouds that you and your ivory tower friends aren't even sure it exists, then why when you're exploring the surface world is it always a bright sunny day?  '''I found a plot hole!'''  '''''Nurse!''''' 
* So obviously Zelda ends up in an embuggerance, and Link has to pick up a magic sword and sort her out. This time the magic sword comes free with a standard-issue support character, who deserves special mention because, besides a twitchy enraged badger that points out important quest items by breaking wind at them, I ''cannot imagine'' a worse assistant. Her big thing is spurious rigour; she can't just say, &quot;Go in the room and stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot,&quot; it's always, &quot;There is a 70 percent chance that you must stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot.&quot; She sounds like a fucking laundry detergent commercial!
* First you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the Master Sword, then you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the three Sacred Flames, and then &quot;prove your worth&quot; a few more times for the Song of the Hero. If I were Link, I'd throw the sword down and yell: &quot;Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?! I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5148-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Skyward-Sword]

===[[w:Serious Sam 3: BFE|Serious Sam 3: BFE]]===
* For the uninitiated, Sam Stone is a nineties action-hero graduate from the Duke Nukem correspondence course with some kind of unclear role in the military, and who started showing up to work one day in a customized t-shirt and jeans.  And no one wanted to complain in case he blew cigar smoke in their face, or shagged their mums.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5184-Serious-Sam-3-BFE]

===[[w:2011 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2011]]===
*Interestingly enough, the crown of greasy brambles and throne of compacted garbage to be awarded to the worst game of 2011 are in this case two crowns and perhaps some kind of chaise lounge affair, because I can't decide which creepy, masturbatory, lead you by the nose, flimsily justified violence upon vastly inferior enemies, open-quotes &quot;realistic&quot; shooter with a 3 on the end I despise the most: ''[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]'' or ''[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Modern Warfare 3]]''. I don't hate them because they're poorly made or fail in what they set out to do, I hate them [[w:Battlefield_3#Sales_and_revenue|for what]] [[Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_3#Sales_and_revenue|they represent]]. ''Modern Borefare'' and ''Twattlefield'' not only show that people should stop making [[w:Operation_Flashpoint:_Red_River|realistic shooters]], but also make a convincing case that people should stop existing generally and perhaps we should save time, form a big circle and on an agreed signal all cap the person to the right. Oh, Happy New Year by the way. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5207-Top-5-of-2011]

=== [[w:Super_Mario_3D_Land|Super Mario 3D Land]] ===
* So the new feature is cat suits, meaning suits made to look like cats, not Luigi running around in a skin-tight...  Sorry, lost my train of thought.  There is something a little bit suss about it, though.  Maybe it's the way characters in cat mode stick their bums in the air as they walk in a way for which only the word &quot;presenting&quot; feels adequate; or the &quot;meow&quot; they make at the end of the level that makes me uncomfortable.  But maybe that's just 'cause I'm old and jaded enough to realize that someone somewhere must be getting off to this.  And I have a horrible feeling it may be Mario himself.  I've been burned before by allowing hairy middle-aged men to indulge in what they called harmless fun.
* Find me ''one'' case in which random user comments enrich an online experience.  Scroll down now and read the first five comments under this video!  You should start feeling a cold metallic sensation because you're now holding a gun to your head! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5239-Super-Mario-3D-Land-Rayman-Origins]

===[[w:Sonic Generations|Sonic Generations]]===
* ...It turned out ''Generations'' only updates one classic level per game. Green Hill Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(1991_video_game)|Sonic 1]]'', Chemical Plant Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_2_(16-bit)|Sonic 2]]'', et cetera, and this led inexorably to a brain-scouring moment when I was faced with a level based on part of [[w:/Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(2006_video_game)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' 2006]]! I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something  good. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about ''Sonic'' 2006. Nobody '''liked''' ''Sonic'' 2006. If you think you did, you're '''wrong.''' It's like saying you enjoyed listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce. I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just '''wrong'''. And yet here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it, &quot;misplaced conceit,&quot; but I'm not so I'll call it, &quot;frothing bug-eyed self-delusion.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5284-Sonic-Generations]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Old Republic|Star Wars: The Old Republic]]===

* Every time I play a MMORPG I have a moment of self-realization at some point when I say, &quot;What the ''fuck'' am I doing?&quot; and go back to being a productive member of society. In some games it comes earlier than others, but to ''Old Republic's'' credit, it did take a while. It was right after my character got the Schmillenium Schmalcon back, and the game universe opened up. My heart leaped when the space battles were introduced, but they're basically just pseudo rail shooters, in the Nova Storm or Microcosm style, and aren't much more than a gimmick. What really made me lose interest was that, in emphasizing the story, the game unwittingly sealed its downfall, because once my smuggler had reclaimed the Thousand-Year Albatross, he suddenly didn't have a story anymore. Some hideously contrived development about a pirate treasure was yanked from a butt-hole lubricated with desperate sweat, but all I could think was, &quot;Why the hell would I want a treasure?! I've got 25 grand in the bank gathering dust because the stores don't sell anything worth shit, and I peel all my equipment off dead tosspots! At least provide a beautiful princess for me to put my cocksure leg over. I spent a lot of cold lonely nights in the captain's bunk with my right hand and some racy holograms, thinking, 'So this is why they called him Han ''Solo'''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5323-Star-Wars-The-Old-Republic]

===[[w:Amy (video game)|Amy]]===
* Using the word, &quot;Escort,&quot; to describe core gameplay is like using the words, &quot;Bloody and viscous,&quot; to describe a urine sample, but Amy pulls her weight by having the power to heal you, create cones of silence, and telekinetically blast things aside.  Obviously.  I'd have been rather put out if she didn't.  In horror circles, small mute autistic girls are second in power only to Jason Voorhees listening to people fucking.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5346-Amy]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Revelations|Resident Evil: Revelations]]===
* I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best.  Sometimes my character nimbly sidestep a blow, and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual which said to, &quot;''Use the analog stick as you're about to be hit.''&quot; &quot;Use it,&quot; eh?  Thanks.  Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? &quot;'''Step 1:''' Use your hands. '''Step 2:''' Also maybe some pliers.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5373-Resident-Evil-Revelations]

=== [[w:The_Darkness_II|The Darkness II]] ===
* Ah, doesn't this take ya back!  Around mid-2007, I was living in a drainpipe, licking the backs of Cornetto lids for sustenance, and one night I'd scraped together enough pennies to afford to spend the night at the YMCA.  After agreeing to be viciously buggered in return for being allowed a go on the communal PS3, I played a demo for a game called ''The Darkness'' with a silly opening sequence and a slightly obtuse puzzle that I couldn't get past.  So after Big Steve chased me off so he could play the new ''Ratchet and Clank'', I scrounged up some yellow craft paper, made some figurines from stolen Burger King napkins, and produced a short Internet video explaining how I'm really clever and therefore the game must be dumb.  Who would have thought that that event would lead me to where I am today?  Now I have Cornetto lids beyond the dreams of avarice, and I'm the one paying to viciously bugger Big Steve.  And I'm now professional enough to play a game for more than ten minutes before I attempt to sabotage its developer's retirement plans -- unless it's ''Final Fantasy''.  Or ''Monster Hunter''.  Or I'm bored, or in a bad mood, or it's Thursday.
* In never leaving Jackie's perspective, the single-player campaign feels like a very personal journey, and there are even moments when the Darkness induces hallucinations to make him question reality.  And the co-op undermines that, too.  &quot;Oh, I guess this is reality after all, 'cause there's a voodoo priest and a samurai summoning black holes and...  Actually, let's double-check that.&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5394-Darkness-2]

===[[w:Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning|Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning]]===
* I've called ''Kingdoms of Amalur'' a lot of things - &quot;Single-Player ''World of Warcraft,''&quot; &quot;''Fable'' With a Shriveled Willy&quot; - but I think I've found the soundest comparison: it's &quot;Baby's First ''Skyrim''!&quot; Pretty much the same gameplay features with substantially less complexity and with boring, claustrophobic environments, or at least ''that's what I thought.'' When I took a moment to stop and take a good look around me, I realized that the environments were actually quite expansive, epic, and artfully designed.  It just didn't ''feel'' that way because the camera is angled slightly ''downward'', so at any given moment of gameplay 60 to 70 percent of the screen was taken up by the floor texture. If I'd been in charge of designing ceilings in this game, I'd be out for fucking blood right about now. Just goes to show how the smalles tweak of a core feature can have ruinous consequences, like prodding a tiger's bollock. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5416-Kingdoms-of-Amalur-Reckoning]

===[[w:NeverDead|NeverDead]]===
* The best constructive criticism I could offer would be to travel back in time to the first gameplay planning meeting with a large Hessian bag and some day-laborers with cricket bats.  &quot;Hey!&quot; said one developer looking up from his Lego set, &quot;If our character's immortal, then there's not going to be much challenge, is there?  Why don't we put in another character he has to escort...&quot;  And that's as far as he gets before disappearing into the Hessian bag, and his pig-like squeals are drowned out by the grunts and thwacks of the day-laborers at work.  &quot;And,&quot; says another developer sticking whiteboard markers up his nose, &quot;Let's constantly put some monsters around that can instantly game-over you if they suck in your disembodied head, but you can avoid it by completing a quicktime even...&quot; ''&quot;Get in the fucking sack!&quot;'' &quot;You know what I hate?&quot; interjects a third developer emerging from underneath his pillow fort, &quot;Using nice convenient button presses for sword attacks when we could be rattling the right analog stick back and forth and up and down like a clumsy teenage boy's first time at third base.&quot; &quot;Thank you for sharing,&quot; I would say.  &quot;You know what I hate?  ''You not being in this fuckin' sack right now!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5443-NeverDead]

===[[w:Syndicate_(2012_video_game)|Syndicate]]===
*Mostly though, the agenda I sympathize with the least is the [[w:Electronic Arts|publishers.]] What is the point of slapping a [[w:Syndicate (video game)|90s tactical shooter]]'s name recognition on a generic modern shooter if most people who like [[w:Bulletstorm|generic modern shooters]] won't remember the name, and the people who do remember the name will want to set your office on fire? You won't endear yourself offering to rape my mum for fifty bucks! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5478-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Mass_Effect_3|Mass Effect 3]] ===
* A word, then, on the subject of trilogies:  ''&quot;Bollocks!&quot;''  That was it.
* The arrangement this time around is that there's a big fat bar graph representing what percentage of your arse will get kicked if you launch the invasion, and it goes up as you complete missions and gather troops and massive quantities of sandwiches to feed them with.  It's sort of like the latter half of ''Fable 3'', but not so much designed by a yogurt (no offense, [[w:Peter_Molyneux|Peter]]).  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5497-Mass-Effect-3]

=== [[w:Twisted_Metal_(2012_video_game)|Twisted Metal]] ===
* And then there's my prowess with driving video games, in that taking my foot off the accelerator as I go around sharp mountainside bends is advice my brain just can't seem to absorb properly.  And there's something about being in a sturdy, powerful machine and being forced to wait for pedestrians crossing the road in front of you pushing some stupid pram that makes me want to physically inform them of their place in the grand scheme of things, as I explained to the judge.  Most of that came from playing ''[[w:Carmageddon|Carmageddon]]'' back in the ironically bad pun period in the nineties (see also: ''[[w:Wargasm|Wargasm]]'').  I never got around to playing any of the ''Twisted Metal'' titles, but that's all right because the new one is just called ''Twisted Metal'' which obviously means it's exactly the same as the original, doesn't it, ''OH, FUCK YOU!''
* Fortunately, there is an optional training mode, and I would highly recommend going through it, because it was only there that I found out about the jump command, which would have been handy in the previous mission when my progress was being stymied by a chest-high wall on loan from the shooter next door... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5531-Twisted-Metal]
* I find the single-player elements upsetting in many ways. I'm sure I needn't remind viewers that I'd rather hug the venomous quills of a tarantuhedgehog than a human child, but it's a shame when a game essentially about watching things explode at high speed with gurgling childish mirth tries to make itself all dark and edgy as well, like a Ferris wheel with the face of Stanley Kubrick painted on the side. Just seems like unnecessarily limiting the audience. I'm picturing Mrs. Stephens leaving her rosy-cheeked boys in the care of the latest electronic babysitter only to freeze mid cookie-baking at the sound of an f-word drifting through from the lounge, whereupon she storms in and wrenches the controllers away from her children so hard their little arms snap off at the elbow. Huh. Actually, on second thoughts, I'm down with that. Carry on, Twisted Metal.

===[[w:Yakuza: Dead Souls|Yakuza: Dead Souls]]===
* To stop beating about the bicycle, the shooting controls are a load of piss.  If you go into aim mode -- that's the ''second'' aim mode; for some reason there are ''two'' aim modes, one slightly less aim-y than the other, so why the fuck would you bother? -- then the camera angle switches to where your character is facing, rather than the character turning to face the camera angle, like how the regular boring well-designed shooters work; and I wish I had a sewing needle for every time I got teeth marks in my mauve blazer while intimidating a wall two feet to the right of the guy I was trying to aim at, because I'm going to shove them all under my fingernails.  Also, when you're not aiming, you use the right analog stick to look around.  But that's what it's good at; it's like a faithful hound trained to fetch the grouse and nothing else.  That's why in most shooters, when you go into aiming mode, you continue using the right analog stick to adjust your aim, because you're still looking at things, but now in an edgy, masculine kind of way.  Yakuza is of an innovative mindset, however, so adjusting your aim in aiming mode is done with the left analog stick.  ''Why the scrambled eggs on fucktoast would anyone do that?''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5558-Yakuza-Dead-Souls]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden 3| Ninja Gaiden 3]]===
* It's like the series feels like it's lost so much identity from cutting out the leather-clad titty monsters that it's grabbing [[w:Twilight (book)|scrips]] [[w:Resident Evil (game)|and]] [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|scraps]] from anything that it thinks people seem to like these days, trying to find a new niche before it throws up its hands, gives up, explodes all over the bedspread, and you spend the last few moments fighting a giant city-destroying naked woman clutching a broadsword. Well, good try, [[w:Team Ninja|Team Ninja]], you almost held out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5576-Ninja-Gaiden-3]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Downpour| Silent Hill: Downpour]]===
*So it's got the right survival horror combat and the right survival horror exploration, all ''Silent Hill: Downpour'' needs now to earn a great big fat tick at the bottom of the page is to be scary! ... Oh. This always ends up being the sticking point, doesn't it. Fear being a purely emotional response, it's difficult to say precisely why something [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|is]] or [[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|isn't]] scary, but as I said earlier the essence of it lies in subtlety. And because I know that word disappeared from the vocabularies of [[w:Cliff Bleszinski|triple-A game developers]] some time ago, no it is not the name of a small village in Derbyshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5595-Silent-Hill-Downpour]

===[[w:Kid Icarus: Uprising| Kid Icarus: Uprising]]===
* In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things – I'm the guy who went 50 miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house – but I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it, rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor. Okay then, now that's covered, here's ''Kid Icarus'', a shit game for twats. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5634-Kid-Icarus-Uprising]

=== [[w:Fez_(video_game)|Fez]] and [[w:I_Am_Alive|I Am Alive]] ===
* As you may have inferred from my pain-wracked sobs throughout last week's video, I was at the time suffering from rather severe tonsilitis.  So everything that passed me lips magically transmuted into an entire Mongol infantry unit the moment I tried swallowing it.  Basically what I'm saying is, the back of my mouth looked like a bunch of incontinent seagulls had exploded in a cave.  Basically what I'm saying is, it looked like a shoggoth had gotten cold feet while trying to use my epiglottis as a diving board.  Basically what I'm saying is, you could have cut my tonsils out and hid them in a basket of fancy cheeses and no one would have been the wiser.  Basically what I'm saying is, ''more painkillers!  Yum-yum!''
* ''Fez'' is a deeply explorative game in deliberately retro pixel style, outwardly a 2D platformer, but it's kinda complicated.  In broad terms, it makes me think of ''Nit'' if it had less direction, or ''[[w:Yume_Nikki|Yume Nikki]]'' if it had actual gameplay (get a load of my indie penis, spurt spurt!).  And it's all wrapped up in a bag that smells strongly of ''Super Paper Mario''.  You move in 2D, but can freely rotate the levels in 3D ninety degrees at a time to cross gaps and rearrange platforms with perspective tricks.  So I guess we could also call it ''[[w:Echochrome|Echochrome]]'' if it had more colors.  Blimey!  If indie gaming was a country, ''Fez'' would be the ki...  Well, ''Cave Story'' would be the king, but it'd be unwise to appoint ''Fez'' as the Grand Vizier, I tell ya that! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5662-Fez-and-I-Am-Alive]

===[[w:Prototype 2|Prototype 2]]===
*Games like this and ''[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|Skyrim]]'' and ''[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]'' really are the sort of thing triple-A development should be making all the time, because it really is the only thing they do best anymore. They badly need to understand why they should stop piling all their resources into designing glorious skyboxes and elaborate set pieces and other things that fall solely under the category of &quot;looking at stuff,&quot; when you cannot possibly compare &quot;looking at stuff&quot; to &quot;blowing up stuff,&quot; &quot;running to the top of stuff&quot; and &quot;skiing back down stuff with two still bloody scalps attached to the soles of your shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5688-Prototype-2]

===[[w:Risen 2: Dark Waters|Risen 2: Dark Waters]]===
* Things are operating on a sort of ''[[w:Pirates_of_the_Caribbean|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' level, where there's a bunch of all-powerful god-like entities threatening generic destruction all over the place, and a loose coalition of bad-smelling toothless seafarers have to stop them by acquiring four cans of spray-on all-powerful godlike entity repellant. Well, four magical treasures, but basically that's the gist of it. It really is strongly reminiscent of the plot writing in the [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest|later]] ''[[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides|films]], in that there is no problem in the world that doesn't have some convenient bullshit magical artifact kicking around somewhere, specifically designed to deal with it. Either the Ancient Ones didn't feel like they were doing their jobs properly if they didn't enchant every last fucking thing in their trophy cabinets, or ''someone's making shit up as they go along!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5710-Risen-2-Dark-Waters]

===[[w:Diablo III|Diablo III]]===
* You know, if any game company is likely to be secretly headed by a James Bond villain, it's Blizzard, because all their games put me into a fucking hypnotic trance, and levelling starts to carry this mindlessly addictive quality into which they could easily insert some subliminal instruction to raid the nearest plutonium storage facility. Ultimately I confess I still don't get the appeal of dungeon crawlers. Seems like I could recreate the essential experience by opening Microsoft Excel, scrolling down ten thousand pages with the down cursor key, and then typing, &quot;'''''THE MOST SPLENDID TROUSERS OF THEM ALL!'''''&quot; What I really don't get is the appeal of randomly-generated dungeons. Surely that could only possibly pay off during a second playthrough when/if the player realises that this small handful of barren rooms manaically copy-pasted and then arbitrarily stapled together seems to have been arbitrarily stapled together slightly different to before. If a book randomly rearranged its chapters with every read, then every chapter would have the characters doing fuck-all, because the plot wouldn't make sense otherwise. So the end result will always be a ''fucking boring book''. It's not just missing the forest for the trees - it's missing the forest for the trees in another completely different forest.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5777-Diablo-3]

===[[w:Lollipop Chainsaw|Lollipop Chainsaw]]===
* What with Juliette being built like a collection of sofa cushions strategically nailed to a lamp post and her fondness for skirts the length of an information pamphlet on feminist theory, one could reasonably take this as yet more proof of the [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|rampant objectification]] [[w:Tomb Raider (franchise)|of females in the media]]. But the more I considered it, the more I regarded ''Lollipop Chainsaw'' as comparatively progressive, and isn't that a depressing thought. Juliette is always in control of the situation, has a healthy devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the players should feel motivated to protect her from rapists. ([[w:Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy|Seriously, that's pretty fucked.]]) But importantly at the same time, it's never suggested that she is something women should aspire to be, either: her bubble-headed obliviousness is constantly played for laughs and there's a strong undercurrent of psychological damage as she chainsaws up her former schoolmates while remaining as innocently upbeat as a cruise ship entertainer teaching a pensioners how to line dance. It's almost a parody of the standard improbably skilled impractically dressed pouting hotties of video gaming, but then again, I'll say [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta the same thing I said] about [[w:Bayonetta|''Bayonetta'']]: just because you're being ironically fetishistic doesn't mean people ''aren't'' gonna jerk off to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5977-Lollipop-Chainsaw]

===[[w:Quantum Conundrum|Quantum Conundrum]]===
* So the puzzles are driven by a handheld device called a Portal G...  Oh, wait.  Actually a sort of power glove thing that allows you to shift between four alternate dimensions (read screen filters) that alter the physical properties of the objects around you.  It's kind of like a glove-mounted cocktail dispenser, except that it alters the physical properties of things other than your own legs.  There's the Pi&amp;ntilde;a Colada dimension where everything is light and fruity; the Black Russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife; the Absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning; and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5998-Quantum-Conundrum]

===[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]===
* In some ways, it's a rather grim exploration of the relationship between player and player-character.  Are we really in control of Captain Walker, or do we merely represent the last vestige of self-awareness in his increasingly damaged mind as he railroads us into committing atrocities, and our distrust and fear of him grows in parallel to that of the men in his command as he weakly tries to rationalize to both them and us until we feel as disconnected from him as the rest of reality and...  ''(*weary sigh*)''  Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell?  Those were good days...  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6021-Spec-Ops-The-Line]

===[[w:The_Walking_Dead_(2012_video_game)|Walking Dead]]===
* ...If you're thinking of having a go at making your own [point-and-click adventure game], here's my hot tip: First, think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat down from a tree.  Then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand.  Then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way you'd solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, maybe hiding a spider under the sunshades in Old Man Withersteen's car, so that he crashes it into the tree trunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the ''Moon''. &quot;''Why?!''&quot; Because adventure game developers can't cum unless they're picturing the frustrated tears of people who used to trust them. Actually, that could just be me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6044-Walking-Dead]

===[[w:Inversion (video game)|Inversion]]===
* Cover shooting is fine if it serves the game; if it's the glue connecting the actual interesting bits of the model aeroplane. But when the interesting bits only exist to serve the cover shooting, then you're grinding up the model aeroplane components to help beef up the glue. You give us mastery over one of the fundamental forces in the universe and then suggest we just use it to make it slightly easier to shoot things behind cover? Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a [[w:Green_Lantern|Green Lantern]] ring. You'd probably just use it to conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun. Couldn't we use our gravity powers to, y'know, ''fly''?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6083-Inversion]

===[[w:Half-Life (video game)|Half-Life]]===
* I close now, reassured that Half-Life is indeed still good.  Perhaps one could partly blame it for some of today's shooter problems, like aggressive [[w:Kane_%26_Lynch_2:_Dog_Days|linearity]] and [[w:Bulletstorm|cut-scenes]], but that was just dipshits aping something popular without grasping the subtleties. You can't blame ''[[Watchmen]]'' for all of the comics in the '90s being about angsty people shooting blood out of tit-mounted pouch guns... and pouch-mounted gun tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6126-Half-Life]

===[[w:Wreckateer|Wreckateer]] and [[w:Deadlight|Deadlight]]===
*[''Deadlight''] is a game that looks like someone at Castle [[w:Xbox Live Arcade|XBLA]] who I imagine resembles [[w:J. Jonah Jameson|J. Jonah Jameson]] said &quot;Where are the [[w:Braid (video game)|indie-spirited]] unrelentingly grim platformers?! Take this checklist and find me a game with more tics than a mangy dog!&quot; It's like something that the XBLA spontaneously generated one day when it had enough titles rubbing together. So it's a linear silhouette platformer like [[w:Limbo (video game)|''Limbo'']] that controls kind of [[w:Shadow Complex|''Shadow Complex''y]] with the merest hint of [[w:'Splosion Man|'''Splosion Man'']] and a story channeling [[w:I Am Alive|''I Am Alive'']] narrated by a bloke [[w:Bastion (video game)|with a voice like he smokes entire rolled-up carpets]]. Oh yes, and it's set in a zombie apocalypse, which is the point that the Indie-O-Meter starts ringing bells and emitting confetti. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6163-Wreckateer-and-Deadlight]

=== [[w:Darksiders 2 (video game)|Darksiders 2]] ===
* ...I was surprised to see a 20 hour play time on the save file, because it had felt ''a fuck-load longer than that.'' It's that most tedious of game plots where you have precisely one goal, that never wavers or updates in any way, and they fill the time by putting a fucking parking barrier every fifty paces that you can't move past until you've gotten three of something from the local dungeon. And it's always ''three'' of something! In fact, more than once I'd be asked to find three of something in exchange for one of ''another'' set of three things I was already looking for! It's not just padded, it's fractally padded! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6248-Darksiders-2]

=== [[w:Borderlands 2|Borderlands 2]] ===
* Anyway, we return to to the planet Pandora, or, to give it its full name, the planet Pandora – [[w:Avatar (2009 film)|no-not-that-one]] – with four vault hunters of varying skillsets different superficially from the four vault hunters of the previous game, but not in any practical sense.  And after the vault that drove the first game's plot was revealed to be short on treasure and long on tentacles, it turns out that there's actually more than one legendary treasure vault on Pandora-no-not-that-one, some of which actually do have treasure in.  So that means that everyone in the game gets to keep calling you Vault Hunter.  Phew.  Thought we'd have to change our stationery.  But now your quest is to end the tyrannical regime of one Handsome Jack, who lured you out to Pandora-no-not-that-one and then tried to kill you because he hates vault hunters, oh no wait actually he wants to manipulate vault hunters, but then why would he try to kill you?  Oh, stop thinking about it and kill some more Jasons, Mr. Picky-Pants.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6364-Borderlands-2]

=== [[w:Medal_of_Honor_Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]] &amp; [[w:Doom_3_BFG_Edition#Doom_3:_BFG_Edition|Doom 3: BFG Edition]] ===
* After I declared ''Battlefield 3'' and ''Modern Warfare'' as The Twin Bollock Lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I just don't like shooters. Oh you ignorant little ''bastards!'' Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wii-motes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies. You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits-about-you, rocket-jumping, last scrap of health, toodly fuckpies organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is ''not'' riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by other people's gunfire.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6492-Medal-of-Honor-Warfighter-Doom-3-BFG-Edition]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed 3|Assassin's Creed 3]] ===
* The sandbox map gets absolutely bukakke'd with collectibles and side-quests, but what's it all in aid of, ''Assassin's Creed 3''? &quot;Well, at your home base, there's this ongoing thing where Connor enlists specific craftsmen to recreate his own personal theme park version of ''[[Little House on the Prairie (TV series)|Little House on the Prairie]]''.&quot; So? &quot;You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items, and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft.&quot; Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa? &quot;You sell the sofa for money!&quot; Ok, now I am a millionaire East Coast sofa baron. What do I DO with the money? &quot;Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions.&quot;  Well, that's something, I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me? &quot;More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!&quot; Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people? &quot;What is it with you and stabbing people?&quot; '''''What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?!'''''
* Don't be ''Farmville'', ''Assassin's Creed'', be ''Assassin's Creed''. We've already got a ''Farmville'', it's called ''Farmville''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6516-Assassins-Creed-3]

=== [[w:Halo 4|Halo 4]] ===
* I feel sorry for 343 Industries, the company Microsoft brought in to do ''Halo'' because the company champagne fountain needed refilling and Bungie escaped from the basement. It's always awkward replacing someone everyone's gotten used to, isn't it? This must be what it's like for new popes. &quot;Oh, sorry, the old pope always preferred golden syrup in his porridge. No, it's alright, the old pope and me had this little understanding - I'd fuck altar boys and he'd hush it up!&quot; Still, you can't say 343 aren't grateful for the opportunity. Funny how ''Halo 4'' was released on election day, as part of some sinister Republican conspiracy to make people who write game FAQs stay at home. 'cause at the start and end of the game, there's a little personal message from the new developers that has much of the acceptance speech about it. &quot;Ooh, thank you so much for accepting us, o handsome and wonderful consumer! We promise not to completely diddle ''Halo'' over a doghouse, slurp-slurp, fawn-fawn!&quot; It's just a fucking aging shooter franchise, 343 Industries, you're not the fucking UN Secretary General. Stop trying to altar-boy me!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6542-Halo-4]

=== [[w:Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2|Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2]] ===
* People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the First World are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet, and ''Modern Warfare'' games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone's jealous of you. It's like when white dudes complain about being victims of racism 'cause all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock. Just to underline it, the villain is behind an organization of the world's underclasses, so you can add the ''poor'' to the growing list of peoples the audience of ''Black Ops 2'' feels threatened by. But perhaps I shouldn't dwell on the politics. The occasionally sympathetic portrayal of the villain and that whole chapter where you're called upon to defend a repulsively-decadent future city for rich people does show a degree of self-awareness on 'Blops 2's part. I honestly can't be arsed to speculate what level of irony we may or may not be operating on, so let's just judge it by the gameplay: It's boring and stupid! Give it a miss! Fuck, that could've saved a bit of time!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6565-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops-2]

=== [[w:Hitman: Absolution|Hitman: Absolution]] ===
* If you're unfamiliar with standard ''Hitman'' gameplay, they're basically adventure games for the impatient. Missions take place in open-ended environments, and you can either engineer an accidental-seeming death with obscure inventory puzzles, or you can just stove their head in with a brick 'cause you've got shit to do!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6586-Hitman-Absolution]

===[[w:Far Cry 3|Far Cry 3]]===
* One time, I was carefully scouting an enemy base and had just about decided on the best angle of attack when a fucking ''tiger'' lolloped into the base and fucking cleared it out with strategic maulings! What a right wally Mr. Pussycat has made me look like, but it's the sort of thing that'd never fucking happen in ''Call of Duty'', isn't it? Not unless Mr. Pussycat was a programmed setpiece with ties to Al-Qaeda.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6603-Far-Cry-3]

===[[w:ZombiU|ZombiU]]===
* So, I got myself a Wii U, and as with many Nintendo products these days, the startup process feels like you're joining a cult. With the constant music that one might hear in the elevators of a methadone clinic and the crowd of Miis staring up at you as if to say, &quot;Come and join us! The master will be home soon!&quot; and I had to mute the fucking TV during the update process, 'cause that repeating &quot;widdly-wee&quot; noise felt like it was implanting hypnotic suggestions. With a drill. Here's a fun drinking game I devised for the Wii U - take a shot every time the little controller screen is doing something that couldn't have just been put on the TV screen without sacrificing anything. It's the best drinking game, because afterwards, you can legally drive home!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6647-ZombiU]

===[[w:2012 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2012]]===
* Yes it's confirmed, &quot;Warfighter&quot; is actually a word used by the actual military, but I don't see how that makes it any less dumb! Or ''[[w:Medal of Honor: Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]]'' any less obnoxious, incoherent, and boring. In the year I started referring to schizophrenic, overly linear modern military shooters as 'spunkgargleweewee' with the good taste and maturity you've come to expect, I felt it would be remiss of me not to represent the genre here - a genre I would've been tempted to now to put alongside [[w:Street Fighter IV|one-on-one fighters]], [[w:Starcraft II|real-time-strategy]] and [[w:RailWorks|train simulators]] as shit that's just not for me and not worth opinionating on. If it weren't for... ''[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]''! And thanks a fucking bunch, Yager Development, `cause now I have to keep playing modern military shooters just in case they turn out to be the most exciting thing to happen in video game narrative for fucking years! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6677-Top-5-of-2012]

===[[w:Paper Mario: Sticker Star|Paper Mario: Sticker Star]]===
* I am very fond of the ''Paper Mario'' series, not just for being fun games, but for being my secret weapon. I say [[w:Final Fantasy XIII|the ''Final Fantasy'' games]] are now essentially the same as glueing kaleidoscopes to your eyes and spending twenty hours in the queue at a Brazilian sex-change clinic, and then, say, a dolphin or a stoat materialises behind me and goes, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like RPGs!&quot; Or I point out that, ever since ''[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Galaxy]]'', [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|the]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros 2|entire]] [[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Mario]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros U|franchise]] has just been rolling back and forth on the floor of a public bathroom trying to catch spiders in it's mouth, and I get, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like Nintendo!  Mario games!  Or fun!&quot; But then I can go, &quot;Have I mentioned how much I like the ''Paper Mario'' series? They're RPGs that are also Mario games developed by Nintendo and are FUN! Eat your devastated argument on a crusty bap, Flipper! WHOPAH!&quot; and then I dance in the rain at their exploded head. Or rather, that's how it used to go. More recently, they then get to say, &quot;So does this mean you really like ''Paper Mario: Sticker Star'' on the 3DS?&quot; at which point I have to fall upon my secondary masterstroke, which is to smash a bottle over their head and run away.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6695-Paper-Mario-Sticker-Star]

===[[w:Black Knight Sword|Black Knight Sword]] and [[w:Hotline Miami|Hotline Miami]]===
* ...an informative, if grammatically iffy title, 'cause it's about a knight in black armour who uses a sword. If only other games were willing to wear its colours so prominently in the title - it'd certainly make cataloguing them a lot easier. Like, &quot;[[w:Half-Life 2|Orange Nerd Crowbar]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Modern Warfare 2|Brown Sweaty Racism]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Red Dead Revolver|Red Dead Revolv-]]&quot; oh wait. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6723-Black-Knight-Sword-Hotline-Miami]

===[[w:Anarchy Reigns|Anarchy Reigns]]===
* I've had the same conversation ''n'' times this week. &quot;I've been playing ''Anarchy Reigns''!&quot; I'd say to a friend or favoured bartender. &quot;Never heard of it,&quot; they'd say, to which I'd reply, &quot;You know, I've had this exact same conversation ''n''-1 times this week.&quot; There's, &quot;flying under the radar,&quot; but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, ''Anarchy Reigns'' isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway. All I knew was that it's by Sega, and the name is possibly intended to be ironic, because Anarchy refers to a situation in which nobody's reigning shit. It's like calling your game ''Dog Meows'', or ''Margaret Thatcher Cares''. But anyway, it turns out that ''Anarchy Reigns'' is a sequel to ''Madworld'' of sorts, except that it's not on the Wii, and it's not a spectacle fighter, and it's not in cel-shaded black and white. So yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty big &quot;of sorts&quot;, isn't it? The one connecting element is the main character Jack 'cause, you know, there's such a fucking shortage of [[w:Bulletstorm|grizzled, macho badasses]] voiced by [[w:Steve Blum|Steve Blum]] in gaming that we have to start recycling them now. And then they say, &quot;Are you buying a fucking drink or what?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6738-Anarchy-Reigns]

===[[w:DmC: Devil May Cry|DmC: Devil May Cry]]===
* So the first controversy is that Dante, the cocky, swaggering, well dressed man in a bleached moptop has been supplanted by Dante, the cocky, swaggering nine-year-old who throws on the first wife-beater and dressing gown that he could be persuaded to peel off the kitchen floor, with short dark hair, no less! Why don't you just come over here and put your cock through the middle of my Devil May Cry PS2 disc, Ninja Theory? Seriously though, I suppose if you're messing with canon, it's better to go forward with confidence and rip off the waxing strip all at once than to ask if we're okay with it for every uprooted pube. But what we could do without was that one scene near the start, where a mop contrivedly falls onto Dante's head and he stares at himself in the mirror for just long enough for it to not be funny, before smirkingly dismissing the look. There's going forward with confidence, and then there's a developer whipping the tip of my nose with its big, pleased-with-itself stiffy. Not that I think the original quippery doucebag Dante is sacrosanct; I thought he was an absolute knobend. But all you need to do is establish that new Dante is an equally big knobend and then we can all move on! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6765-DMC-Devil-May-Cry]

===[[w:The Cave (video game)|The Cave]]===
* The Cave is an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with [[w:Broken Age|the Double Fine adventure game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house]]. A different Double Fine adventure game, this one written and designed by Ron Gilbert, he of the superlative ''[[w:Secret of Monkey Island|Secret of Monkey Island]]'' and of course ''[[w:Maniac Mansion|Maniac Mansion]]'', the adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven, but that's enough nostalgia. ''The Cave'' is an all new adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven. What a fat lot of good the last twenty five years must have been! Oh, but Ron knows when I'm just being facetious for comic effect. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6788-The-Cave]

===[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch]]===
* At times, ''Wrath of the White Privilege'' pleasantly evokes the old 16 bit JRPGs I can actually tolerate, like ''[[w:Earthbound|Earthbound]]'' or ''[[w:Final Fantasy VI|Final Fantasy VI]]'' with its actually coherent plot and random monsters occasionally smart enough to scarper if you're over-leveled, but the actual combat sucks a fat one. I find I'm more tolerant of turn based combat than I used to be because it is nice for a game to constantly pause itself in case you happen to be playing it while fighting a panther, and of course real time combat would be chocolate smeared all over a consenting biscuit. But it's these hideous hybrid systems that modern JRPGs tend to have that piss in my radiators, 'cause you end up with the worst qualities of both. We find ourselves having to cycle through an option menu while simultaneously running around avoiding the hits, and I've got this lovely big controller here just covered in buttons, any one of which could be a dedicated 'defend' command. But no, I must instead wrestle my way to the 'defend' option in the half second it takes for the enemy to brew up another devastating fart.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6830-Ni-No-Kuni-Wrath-Of-The-White-Witch]

=== [[w:Dead Space 3|Dead Space 3]] ===
* You know what?  I fucking give up.  I give up just like the bloke who said, &quot;Hey, EA, let's make a horror game,&quot; at the start of all this must have given up.  He was still around for ''Dead Space 2'' saying, &quot;Look! I made a crayon drawing with blood on it!  Maybe you could leave it lying around somewhere in between all the ridiculous action sequences.&quot;  But now at the time of ''Dead Space 3'', that man has resigned, or been eaten, or maybe the parasitic brain worms that control EA's upper management got to him as well.  &quot;Yes, of course ''Dead Space'' should be an action shooter; more people buy those.  Heaven forbid that we actually provide for an underserved niche or hold out for sleeper sales.  It's not like we make the kind of money that could support an occasional risky investment with any actual integrity.  Why should we stick our necks into the scary outlying territories when we could be tucked up all safe and warm in the comfortable grey dough of mediocrity that is EA's usual output?  What's that?  You're getting hungry?  Okay, I'll just put some cat food down my ear.  Yes, I know you like the chunky kind.&quot;
* Another new feature is weapon crafting, which is part of EA's big scheme to get in on all that sweet FarmVille micro-payment action by letting you pay for more craftable resources. &quot;Did you love blowing real money on flooding everyone's Facebook pages with news on your imaginary cows? Well, you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort and thus cheapen any sense of achievement!&quot; I might be more indignant if I thought this would actually ''work''! The scheme seems to be to walk into a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor and say, &quot;I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put some money in there, then you know, the option's open.&quot; And if anyone actually does put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have had financial independence in the first place.
* &quot;Tension? What's that? The thing that comes before elevension?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6891-Dead-Space-3]

===[[w:Aliens: Colonial Marines|Aliens: Colonial Marines]]===
* &quot;Oh Yahtzee, we're looking forward to hearing your opinions on this one!&quot; trilled several correspondents this week, and then they ran away like they'd just lit a firework or pushed a friend into the girl's toilets or thrown an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog. Oh, I see! No-one wants me around when the new ''Call of Duty'' is training you to ignore yet another quality recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left, then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher! Well, how do you know I don't actually really like ''Colonial Marines''?! I ''don't''; it's fucking atrocious, but you'd have looked pretty silly if I ''had'', wouldn't you?
* So, ''Colonial Marines'' is pretty much a wash. But without meaning to absolve [[w:Gearbox Software|the]] [[w:TimeGate Studios|developers]], they get all the blame for this fucking trainwreck as soon as they figure out how to divvy it up. What gets me are the ''Aliens'' fans who have been declaring it the final betrayal. [[w:Alien 3|Have]] [[w:Alien Resurrection|you]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator (film)|seen]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator: Requiem|literally]] ''[[w:Superman/Aliens|anything]]'' [[w:Aliens vs. Predator (video game)|''Alien''-related]] post [[w:Aliens (film)|''Aliens'' the film]]? Your sweetums has been putting it about for decades, guys. The betrayal ship has sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6912-Aliens-Colonial-Marines]

=== [[w:Crysis 3|Crysis 3]] ===
* Maybe I just don't have the genius brain for some good old hard sci-fi, the kind of hard sci-fi where the most significant new addition is a bow and arrow. Yeah, that's some real hard fucking sci-fi right there! It really illustrates how desperate they were to find a new feature to trumpet - the amount of fuss that gets made about a fucking piece of string tied to a bendy stick. First it features prominently on the box art, and then it's introduced in the first mission with what sounds like a conversation from the fucking shopping channel. &quot;Gosh, I just love exterminating my fellow man with the most advanced projectile weaponry in existence, but sometimes I think that if I could pick the bullets out of the ruined bodies of my victims, put them back into my guns and use them again, then I'd just be so much more productive! But there's no way I can do ''that'', is there?&quot; &quot;Well, Prophet, have you tried 'Bow And Arrow'?&quot; &quot;Bow and Arrow, you say?&quot; &quot;Yes! Not only does Bow And Arrow allow ammo recovery, but it's also silent, can be fired without de-cloaking, and does about twelve times the damage of a bullet for some reason!&quot; &quot;Gosh, Psycho! Bow And Arrow sounds so convenient it almost makes you wonder why they were ''completely supplanted by guns '''fucking centuries ago!'''''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6964-Crysis-3]

=== [[w:Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance|Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance]] ===
* Sometimes, I think the ''Metal Gear'' franchise is like Jim Carrey in ''[[w:The Truman Show|The Truman Show]]''. It's this loud, wacky dipshit in dire need of an editor who lives in a little world of his own surrounded by people reassuring him that, no, ''Metal Gear Solid 4'' was totally a touching, emotional character drama, especially when the funny man did a big poo in his pants! And every now and again, someone tries to parachute in wearing a t-shirt saying, &quot;EVERYONE'S TAKING THE PISS,&quot; but gets swiftly bundled out of sight by a dog walker and a Sony executive. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6994-Metal-Gear-Rising-Revengeance]

=== [[w:Tomb Raider (2013 video game)|Tomb Raider]] ===
* Lara Croft manages to convince a small team of ethnically-diverse archaeologists who all seem to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are unwillingly made part of someone else's character development, to investigate a mysterious island where they find a storm preventing them from leaving and a mad cult of bearded castaways who have for years been using inflated shopping bags tied to sticks as substitutes for female companionship. So all the pieces are in place for Lara Croft to get the absolute shit kicked out of her for ten hours. Oh, I see! When Lara Croft gets beaten up, we're supposed to admire her strength and character, but when the same thing happens to [[w:Uncharted|Nathan Drake]], we're supposed to point and laugh? ''Why do you hate men so much, games industry?'' Nah, obviously that was sarcasm, because Nathan Drake has never been the subject of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy a controversial attempted rape scene.] Although if you miss the quick-time event to fight off the attempted rapist (Which I did, because the timing is really annoying on those things), then it turns out he only wanted to throttle her to death! Phew, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to misjudge these hairy cultist murderers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7025-Tomb-Raider]

=== [[w:SimCity (2013 video game)|SimCity]] ===
* So tell me, little finger puppet, assuming that multiplayer elements are about as enticing to me as the sight of a dog sniffing another dog's bum (an easy thing to assume, because they are), are there any new features ''SimCity'' can offer me? &quot;Well there's a poo map!&quot; (beat) I beg your pardon? &quot;We've got a special map that lets you see all the poo forming in big piles under people's houses! Then you build an outlet pipe and watch all the poo speed away on a wee-wee one-way system!&quot; (beat) '''''Fucking SOLD!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7053-SimCity]

===[[w:BioShock: Infinite|BioShock: Infinite]]===
* Comparisons to ''BioShock'' are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic (or however that phrase goes,) and under that light Infinite falls kinda short. What's disappointing is that the villain is basically just a racist nutter who wants to blow up the world. I listen to him frothing about how his carpet made of black people should be grateful he hasn't trod in any dog shit lately, and he becomes hard to take seriously. The truly great villain is one who talks sense; Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap.
* It is, however, hairy space hopper levels of pretentious. It comes and goes in and out of its own butt the whole way through, but the ending is the point of maximum own butt penetration. It wallows in a bit of abstract meta-narrative - wanky wanky word word - that doesn't really serve the essential plot points, and I found myself thinking: &quot;If this ends with us meeting God and God looks like [[w:Ken Levine (game developer)|Ken Levine]], then I'm gonna fucking punch someone.&quot; But you know what? If it isn't boring and gives us something to talk about then it can't be bad. And ''Infinite'' isn't bad, it's good, perhaps even great. You see, sometimes it's kinda nice to be up somebody's butt if it's cozy and warm and they've put some interesting conversation pieces up there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7105-BioShock-Infinite]

===[[w:Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon|Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon]]===
* I think I see how the Nintendo flowchart works. Question 1: Are you an entirely original property? If yes, sod off. Question Two: [[w:Kid Icarus|Has your franchise gone unacknowledged for a long time?]] Or are you [[w:Pokemon|''Pokémon'']]? If yes, welcome aboard the uncomfortably sharp edges of the good ship 3DS! Hope your audience likes having sore palms! (Masturbation joke in there somewhere!) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7169-Luigis-Mansion-Dark-Moon]

===[[w:History_of_video_game_consoles_(eighth_generation)|Next Gen Buyer's Guide]]===
* So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played: Where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=247273 Magus of the Vineyard] from [[w:Magic The Gathering|Magic The Gathering]].[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7417-Next-Gen-Buyers-Guide]

===[[w:Fuse_(video_game)|Fuse]]===
* There's something slightly surreal about playing a game single-player when it's obviously designed for co-op. It's like getting through an average day with your wallet, phone and keys tied around the necks of three dogs who hang back and stare at you gormlessly while you clear out the room, at which point they all run over to the door to the next room waggling their tails in anticipation of walkies. Although one way the single-player gets spiced up a bit is that you can switch between the four characters, ''[[w:Clive_Barker's_Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]''-style - Ew, [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho I just thought about ''Clive Barker's Jericho''!] Thanks a lot, ''Fuse.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7466-Fuse]

===[[w:Remember_Me_(video_game)|Remember Me]]===
* That is a direct quote and I'm going to leave it dangling here like a corpse on a gibbet while we consider that someone charged actual money to write it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7542-Remember-Me]

===[[w:Electronic_Entertainment_Expo_2013|E3 2013]]===
* The author wishes it to be known that the bulk of this video was written before the [[w:Xbox_One#Initial_used_games_and_Internet_verification_policies|Microsoft DRM backtrack]], and he now thinks that games exclusive to Xbox One are no more tainted by original sin than those exclusive to other consoles. He regrets now having to fall back on less popular arguments against next-gen consoles such as their blind insistence on empty spectacle above all else to make triple-A development all the more elitist and prohibitively expensive, the systematic erasure of console gaming history one generation at a time, the flagrantly anti-consumer culture of artificial exclusivity that has created a world in which games are expected to support consoles in which artwork exists to serve a medium on which artwork is presented, as if the words of a great novel exist to serve paper, or a great film exists to serve a piece of wall onto which it has been projected, and so on, and so on, and so on... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7595-E3-2013]

===[[w:Animal Crossing: New Leaf|Animal Crossing: New Leaf]]===
* It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss-up on the beach with all your pals? ''No.'' The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. Oh, thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, goose woman; doesn't go with my place but it would just look perfect at the PAWN SHOP! Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on its multicoloured- DON'T CARE, PAWN SHOP! Give me my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7738-Animal-Crossing-New-Leaf]

===[[w:Ride to Hell: Retribution|Ride to Hell: Retribution]]===
* ''Ride to Hell'' is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big-boy pants going, &quot;I'm a real game now!&quot; Of course you are, ''Ride to Hell''. And that's why I think everyone should buy it, just to fuck with some heads! This could be our ''[[w:Plan 9 from Outer Space|Plan 9 from Outer Space]]''! We should have mass screenings of it, get everyone to dress up, put upside down pedal bins on their heads and then beat their wives! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7785-Ride-to-Hell-Retribution]

===[[w:Dark_(video_game)|Dark]]===
* I'm pleased to report that I've done at least one review for [[w:Alpha Protocol|every letter]] [[w: Bioshock 2|of the]] [[w:Catherine (video game)|alphabet]]! Thank Christ for [[w:XCOM: Enemy Unknown|XCOM]]! But if there's one letter that's over-represented, it's D. And that's because [[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|roughly]] [[w:Dishonored|100 percent]] [[w:Duke Nukem Forever|of game titles]] starts with the word &quot;Dark&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dark Souls|Souls]]'', ''[[w:Dark Void|Void]]'', ''[[w:Darksiders|-siders]]'', ''[[w:The Darkness (video game)|-ness]]'' and ''[[w:Darkest of Days|-est of Days]]''. So the subject of today's review gets refreshingly to the nub of the matter. Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off. Pity the actual game is cajun-cooked walrus dribble, but never mind. They could always patch things up with a sequel which would logically be named &quot;dead&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dead Rising 2|Rising]]'', ''[[w:Dead Island|Island]]'', ''[[w:Dead Space (video game)|Space]]'' and ''[[w:Deadpool (video game)|-pool]]''! 
* Every vampire story has different rules, of course. In the ''Dark'' universe for example, the super-secret weakness of vampires is bullets! And cunningly, the security guards of the world all carry guns, having figured out that your Achilles heel is any kind of physical damage whatsoever! So Dark is strictly a stealth game. Such is the aversion to bullets that Eric cannot carry a gun himself. So do the maths here, sonny: Melee-only attacks, plus large numbers of enemies with guns, plus large open environments with limited cover, equals: It's a shame you have such an aversion to bullets, Eric mate, because a lot of them are going to be trying to make friends with you! And your one attack can be blocked by aware enemies, so if you get spotted sneaking up on a dude, the action becomes a rather humiliating game of Patty-cake. I wanted Eric to go back to the club after the first mission and say, &quot;Are you sure I'm a vampire and not just a Goth with a personal trainer?&quot;
* Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7823-Dark]

===[[w:Saints Row IV|Saints Row IV]]===
* You see, it takes a lot of care to make a game that looks completely carefree. Yeah, fucking write that one down, Wikiquote! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8062-Saints-Row-4]

===[[w:Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs(video_game)|Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs]]===
* Quite a few game-play features have been stripped out, starting with the Sanity Meter, which was probably smart. I don't like when a game tries to tell you how you feel – &quot;You are scared, this number says you are scared, pull a scared face&quot; – when it could just be, y'know, ''scaring me'' without trying to keep score. It's like when a game introduces a lone female character who you talk to for five minutes and then it says, &quot;You love this person, go rescue her.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8158-Amnesia-A-Machine-For-Pigs]

===[[w: Grand Theft Auto V(video_game)|Grand Theft Auto V]]===
* There's nothing that excites me that I can point to and call the defining moment. It's just a whole load of people doing ''stuff'', which I admit is a fairly weak argument. World War II was just &quot;a whole load of people doing stuff,&quot; but at least getting your leg blown off gives you something for the next letter home: &quot;Dear Mum: Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well, I've managed to redress the balance somewhat. P.S. ''Fucking hell!! Aaaahhhhh!!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8193-Grand-Theft-Auto-5]

===[[w:The_Legend_of_Zelda:_The_Wind_Waker_HD|The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD]]===
* I can only imagine the panic in [[w:Nintendo|Nintendo]]'s [[w:High-definition_television|HD]] remake department when they were given this job: &quot;It still looks fine! What can HD possibly add? Make the GUI smaller so we can fill even more of the screen with featureless blue ocean?&quot;
* ...It's good! Because it's ''Wind Waker'' and ''Wind Waker'' was good! That's about the final word. Except for this one: &quot;Mingegurgle!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8347-The-Legend-of-Zelda-The-Windwaker-HD]

===[[w:Call_of_Duty:_Ghosts|Call of Duty: Ghosts]]===
* The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions!
* [South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being &quot;superior&quot; if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, ''orbital fucking missile weapon''!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!
* Just for fun, I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut at the start who immediately dies, one helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happened, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. &quot;Dammit, the black guy died!&quot; they seemed to say. &quot;Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8465-Call-of-Duty-Ghosts]

===[[w: Ryse: Son of Rome|Ryse: Son of Rome]]===
* &quot;But Yahtzee, the environments are pretty!&quot; Oh, shit, I forgot.  Ten out of ten! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8525-Ryse-Son-of-Rome]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 3|Dead Rising 3]] ===
* Hey, Capcom villains, zombie viruses do not make good superweapons! What's easier to occupy: a city full of people shopping and mowing the lawn, or a city full of murderers with a bite-transmittable virus and no ambition in life except to bite things?!
* I should mention there are combo vehicles now, and I'm not so proud that I can't admit that plowing through uncountable hordes of the undead in a motorbike steamroller didn't make me titter like a schoolgirl riding a bicycle with a knobbly saddle. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8568-Dead-Rising-3]

=== [[w:Super Mario 3D World|Super Mario 3D World]] ===
* I played a bit of it co-op, but cooperative it is ''not''; it's more competitive than fucking [[w:Bushido_Blade_(video_game)|Bushido Blade]]. All possible enjoyment was replaced by stress and bitterness because, at the end of the level, whoever got the most points is given a fucking crown, and with that largesse on the table camaraderie was only the first thing to drop off the map as we both tried to sprint ahead, snatching up coins. And once one person touches the flag at the end the other has a deadline the length of an average pull-out procedure before the level ends and the players who made it are showered with confetti and accolades, while everyone else harbors the kind of seething resentment usually reserved for Palestinians and bridesmaids. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8591-Super-Mario-3D-World]

===[[w:Knack (video game|Knack]] ===
* People tell me most consoles aim for being loss leaders these days. Well, I don't know about that, but they certainly are ''dross'' leaders... Leaders in the field of ''dross''... Y'know, [[#Remember Me | I got paid money to write that]].
* ...The level design is as bland as it gets. Corridor after corridor after empty room after empty room. You can design every single fucking level with one very long piece of string threaded through some ping-pong balls. I asked myself a short ways in, &quot;Why do the words &quot;Crash Bandicoot&quot; keep crossing my mind?&quot; 'Cos that's what it plays like! This is as far as we've come, people! Right back around to PS1 era gameplay: moving along a line and hitting things. Except ''Crash Bandicoot'' had colour and life and secrets and challenges and character and humour and squealing pigs you can ride on after looking at the camera with a slightly suspect look on your face. And what does Knack have? Twelve different varieties of rock texture! You spend more time in caves than a hibernating bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8665-Knack]

=== [[w:Killzone: Shadow Fall|Killzone: Shadow Fall]] ===
* ...In future, if I review a game on the [[w:Xbox_One|X-Bone]] or the [[w:PlayStation 4|Piss-Poor]], every time I say something in the slightest bit positive, I want you to mentally append the phrase, &quot;...but it doesn't justify forcing us to buy a clunky new console with no backwards compatibility.&quot; I've banged that drum with my raging hate stiffy so many times I figure it can go without saying. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8696-Killzone-Shadow-Fall]

=== [[w:Broken Age|Broken Age]] ===
* Maybe I should judge it by its own merits and stop dragging in comparisons to older games. Maybe. But the game was fucking ''funded'' on nostalgia for those older games. It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did. '''Then why did you charge so much for his ''spunk''?!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8744-Broken-Age]

===[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]===
* Now, I never reviewed ''Dark Souls'' because other titles were out and my play time was limited, and every time I sat down to it, it was like walking into a dark shed full of rakes, immediately treading on one and getting blatted in the face.  Other people with more time on their hands started telling me it was the greatest thing since tummy rubs.  So I'd go back in the shed thinking, &quot;Well maybe there was just the one rake,&quot; before ''*blat*'' in the face again.  So I left it for a while, but this week with plenty of free time in my schedule, I thought to myself, &quot;Last chance; I'll just keep tanking the rakes and maybe I'll somehow become really psychotically into being rake-faced just in time to be prepared for the sequel.&quot;  And I'll be blatted in the face with a rake if that isn't kinda what happened. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8802-Dark-Souls]

===[[w:Strider (video game)|Strider]] ===
* It's always a good sign when, by the end, you're actively seeking out difficult fights because the last time you cleared a room with minimal hits using a combination of slashes, [[w:Kunai|kunais]], and generic ninja flip-outs, you felt like your bollocks sprouted pins and turned into little grenades (if male). Otherwise, your clitoris extended six feet and flew the American flag. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8855-Strider]

=== [[w:Thief_(video_game)|Thief]] ===
* ...''Thief'' is a reboot of a series in which a bloke steals money from people with too much disposable income because he doesn't feel like putting any effort into working for a living, so it's good to see the creators of this new one taking that particular attitude on board, if nothing else. I wondered if it might be better to assess it by its own merits rather than how it differs from the originals, but on the other hand that's like wondering whether to use a fish slicer or a butterfly net to get shit out of the trifle.
* ...If you asked old Garrett why he stole, he'd answer &quot;Because I need to pay rent and it's the only thing I'm good at. So shut up and let go of your wallet.&quot; New Garrett would, and indeed does, give the answer &quot;Because it's what I do.&quot; No, Garrett, it's what you're currently doing. ''Hey, Yahtzee, why are you kicking new Garrett in the stomach?'' '''BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M CURRENTLY DOING!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8891-Thief-Stealing-a-Classic]

=== [[w:Castlevania:_Lords_of_Shadow_2|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2]] ===
* It ''is'' a nice idea to be able to play Dracula. I look forward to the game that allows us to do so, rather than the shirtless, mopey pantywaist presented for us here. Despite constant lip service to him being the Prince of Darkness, all the ''creatures'' of Darkness are trying to kill him as well. Dracula does not tussle with the groundlings, like a terrier at the bear baiting; Dracula does not do mandatory stealth sections; Dracula does not ''fetch quest''! Dracula is the guy at the far end of an army of minions, slouched on a throne, tossing expensive wine glasses aside 'cause he couldn't give two licks of a used ''tampon'' for whoever has to shampoo the carpet!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8912-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow-2-It-Sucks-Ha]

=== [[w:Dark Souls 2|Dark Souls 2]] ===
* Full disclosure: I've not finished the game yet, because I've only been playing for about a 30-hour stretch at time of writing, or – as it's known in the ''Dark Souls'' community – a sample. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8945-Dark-Souls-2-Prepare-to-Die-Again]

===[[w:Titanfall|Titanfall]]===
* Well, this may surprise you, but I've been making more of an effort to do the multiplayer thing lately, partly for therapeutic reasons.  ''[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]'' helped; that game feels like it's trying to wean you on to social interaction.  First you find someone's note advising you to be wary of fatty, then you hire stalwart fellows to help you out with the boss fight (none of whom have headset mics so close to their mouths that you feel like their every utterance is trying to beat your ears to death with racial epithets).  The turning point came when I was invaded, but the attacker bowed upon seeing me, a gesture of recognition to mark a duel between equals.  &quot;You know what?&quot; I thought, &quot;Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of people all the time.&quot;  So while he was bowing, I ran up and stuck my halberd up his ass.  '''&quot;MAYBE IT'S ''PEOPLE'' WHO NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ''ME!!''&quot;'''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8980-Titanfall-Its-Got-Big-Stompy-Robots]

=== [[w:FTL:_Faster_Than_Light|FTL: Faster Than Light]] ===
* It is interesting that the rebels are the bad guys for once.  'Cause, you know, the government might be oppressing your freedoms and shit, but they also run sewer systems and post offices, and things won't get better just because they've been overthrown, although there might be more poo lying around.

===Child of Day-Light ([[w:Daylight (video game)|Daylight]] and [[w:Child_of_Light|Child of Light]])===
* And look, that whole twist where the main character has a secret history with the horror? That only works if they ''have'' a character, besides a disembodied voice occasionally going, &quot;Is anybody there?&quot; or squeaking like a rusty hinge! We need to have made some assumptions about them before you can start subverting our assumptions! All I had to go on is that I'm a squeaky lady in a haunted house! So I turned to my brain and asked, &quot;Why are we in this haunted house?&quot; and my brain goes: &quot;Well, presumably because we've got a secret history with the place.&quot; &quot;''Brain!'' Fucking spoiler warning!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9187-Child-of-Day-Light-Horror-and-Whimsy]

=== [[w:The_Amazing_Spider-Man_2_(2014_video_game)|The Amazing Spider-Man 2]] ===
* It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favourite nancy boys prancing about in leotards. And lest we think Sony's generosity ends with ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Film, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without being reminded of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' if you don't want to. You can wake up in the morning and go from ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Toothbrush to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Happy Meal to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Nitrogen Asphyxiation Chamber. There's just one tiny little stumbling block in the whole system and that's the fact ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' is absolute wank, by most accounts. But I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly speaking ''need'' all those schools, do they? In all honesty, I haven't seen the film, but that's good. That means however absolute the wank situation, it can't possibly taint my view of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game. So here goes... ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game is absolute wank. D'oh! Better luck next time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9231-The-Amazing-Spider-Man-2]

=== [[w:Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure|Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure]] ===
* ''Tesla Effect'' is a brand new, successfully Kickstarted Tex Murphy adventure, boldly bringing its signature FMV style to an age of HD. Although it does mean that a little lighthearted, niche adventure game ends up clocking up ''12 sodding gigabytes of space''. But what else besides HD video could do justice to every line that Chris Jones' face has acquired since he last played Tex Murphy in 1998? Sorry, that was needlessly cruel. We can't help how we age, nor, indeed, can game mechanics. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9272-Tesla-Effect-A-Tex-Murphy-Adventure]

=== [[w:Wolfenstein: The New Order|Wolfenstein: The New Order]] ===
* One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. &quot;Hey, this guy's a Nazi; would you like to drown him in his own piss?&quot; the game might ask. &quot;Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss,&quot; we might reply. But despite that, ''New Order'' puts the effort into making hating Nazis feel fresh again. One of the first things we do is watch a soldier shoot a room full of hospital patients before we stab him right up the lebensraum, and the principal villains only need to smile and play card games to become infinitely hateable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9301-Wolfenstein-The-New-Order]

=== [[w:Murdered: Soul Suspect|Murdered: Soul Suspect]] ===
* ...The story is competent as murder mystery goes: You're wrong-footed by obvious suspects; events recontextualize as the facts unfold; and some people get murdered in it, which I always think is crucial to the genre. And the supernatural elements throw a few curve balls, but at least remain internally consistent, unlike the fact that a man who wears a fedora and vest somehow managed to convince someone to marry him without choking on their own vomit during the vows. ''[An imp holds up a publicity photo of Yahtzee, which depicts him wearing a fedora and a vest]'' ... Well I never said I ''wasn't'' a hypocrite! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9469-Murdered-Soul-Suspect]

=== [[w:Tomodachi Life|Tomodachi Life]] ===
* If a game like, say ''[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]'', wants to have a relationship system but slap the player's knuckles whenever they reach for the sausage-platter, then fair enough. Even in branching fiction, the creator is entitled to declare some things to be out of character. ''Tomodachi Life'', meanwhile, encourages you to populate it with the Miis of real-life friends and family, and to disallow same-sex relationships in it is to tacitly deny that they exist in reality. Or at least to assume that no gay person or friend of a gay person could possibly be playing it, 'cause they're all off playing their special gay games for gay people that come in pink boxes adorned with chest-hair.
* Let's not dismiss the relationship system, for it is one of the few ways we are granted agency. When someone wants to make a friend or take a friendship to the next level, they must request your approval, like you're the stern, overseeing patriarch of a [[w:Jonestown|Jonestown]]-style death-cult. Maybe you'll want to seize the opportunity to finally enforce your will and make your community completely racially segregated to appease Lady Hitler. But personally, I just allowed whatever, except when a love triangle arose between two strapping, young fellows and an obese, elderly woman, which I swiftly put a stop to. I'd given these character enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turning them into granny-fiddlers, too. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9506-Tomodachi-Life-Nintendo-Life-Simulator]

=== [[w:Shovel_Knight|Shovel Knight]] ===
* If genealogy is your thing, ''Shovel Knight'' lies at the bottom of a family tree more rampantly incestuous than the fucking [[w:Song of Ice and Fire|Lannisters]], combining DNA from ''[[w:Super_Mario_Bros._3|Super Mario 3]]'', ''[[w:Zelda_II:_The_Adventure_of_Link|Zelda 2]]'', ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'', ''[[w:DuckTales|DuckTales]]'', and a big, eager, sticky mouthful of ''[[w:Mega_Man_(video_game)|Mega Man]]''. It's like the fucking Captain Planet of NES games: &quot;By your powers combined, I will now bleep like someone doing squeaky farts in a tin elevator.&quot;
* Five minutes ago, a bloke the size of a pregnant bus jumped down and hit me with a metal windsurfing sail that he seems to think is a sword, and that didn't even take off a whole health point. Now I'm being splattered across four dimensions 'cause my elbow brushed against the stucco ceiling. I'm a [[w:Trifle|trifle]] miffed! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9549-Shovel-Knight-Good-NES-Nostalgia]

=== [[w:Mother_(video_game)|Earthbound]] ===
* It's a quirky game above all else. You name your character - standard JRPG practice - but you also have to name his favourite food that appears in dialogue a whole bunch. And if your first instinct is not to enter something along the lines of &quot;cock&quot; then you simply do not possess a soul. You use baseball bats and frying pans as weapons and fight animated STOP signs and hippies, so the 'quirky random humour' thing runs along the surface like baked beans sliding down a clown's face. But there's a dark surrealism running under it as well, as indicated by a soundtrack that alternates between fun, jaunty melodies and weird electronic ambiènce, like someone left a theremin in [[w:Silence of the Lambs|Buffalo Bill's]] house. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9570-EarthBound-Not-Your-Typical-JRPG]

=== [[w:Transistor_(video_game)|Transistor]] ===
* When I said the game is, &quot;hack and slash,&quot; it might be better described as, &lt;CODE&gt;10 HACK; 20 SLASH; 30 GOTO 10&lt;/CODE&gt;.  You're given numerous &quot;functions&quot; that can either be assigned to a button as an attack, or assigned to an already-assigned attack as a modifier, or assigned to a passive slot as a buff.  That probably needs clarifying, so let's say you have a function called &lt;CODE&gt;Tits&lt;/CODE&gt; (bracket, close brackets), assign it to the X button, and pressing that button will launch a pair of big sweaty baps that will smash a single enemy's head around like a chickpea in a ball pit.  Or: You can assign &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank&lt;/CODE&gt; (brackets, close brackets) to the X button and then ''modify'' it with &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt;, so that an enemy hit by &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank()&lt;/CODE&gt; will suffer the additional effect of soapy tit wank.  ''OR:'' Assign &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt; to the passive buff slot to give your character higher defense against incoming mammary-based damage.  And like a big lovely pair of sweaty baps, this also took me a while to get my head around. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9603-Transistor-Like-Bastion-But]

=== [[w:E.T._the_Extra-Terrestrial_(video_game)|E.T.]] ===
* [[w:Atari|Atari]] were of a mind that giving game designers credit for the games made about as much sense as crediting the office carpet or venetian blinds, and a bunch of designers disagreed and split off to form [[w:Activision|Activision]]. Essentially, this blew the starting whistle for 3rd-party development, flooding the market with badly-made, derivative garbage by inexperienced companies. The enormous letdown of such a hugely anticipated game as E.T. merely caused the scales to fall from the eyes of the buying public: &quot;Hey! All these overpriced, bleep-y games with pixels the size of Post-It notes are actually kinda ''shit''!&quot; Yeah, seems obvious to us, but cut them some slack. It was the '80s; they still thought [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] was good. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9625-E-T-The-Worst-Game-Ever]

=== [[w: Firefall_(video_game)|Firefall]] ===
* Firefall has a plot. And frankly, after a bunch of hours playing, that's all I'm prepared to state with certainty. From what I remember, Earth's fucked. A dice was rolled on the usual &quot;Fuck the Earth&quot; table and on this occasion it landed on, &quot;Big Asteroid.&quot; But wait! Firefall plays its &quot;Roll Again&quot; card with a +1 modifier and the Earth gets fucked a second time when the dice lands on, &quot;Misuse of Miracle Element.&quot; Slow down, intro cinematic; I'm still mentally digesting the first round of fucking! Thankfully, neither fucking is the kind that means we don't get to fly cool spaceships or wear glowing armor, so we boldly step into this bleak arena now the backstory's been hurled at us like a fucking custard pie. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9645-Firefall-Free-To-Play-MMO-Review]

=== [[w:Sacred 3|Sacred 3]] ===
* You know, what pisses me off is that all the things I'm good at are things that everyone assumes they could do if they tried. Playing the bassoon or fluffing a walrus people respect, 'cause there's a specialist skill goes into those, but writing? &quot;Pah! I learnt that in school! Fucking aced it! They made me start doing it all in joined-up letters just to give everyone else a chance! And that, Mr. Croshaw, is why I felt my background in production made me qualified to rewrite all the story copy you did for us to be more like a recent popular film.&quot; &quot;Well, you know what I say to that, Mr. Producer? Fifty dollars an hour, please.&quot; Blimey, I wonder how people with integrity get through life? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9664-Sacred-3-Hack-and-Slash-Review]

=== [[w:Risen 3: Titan Lords‎|Risen 3: Titan Lords‎]] ===
* ''Risen'' may have more skills than the size of its world can support, distributing them rather unevenly among a dense population of same-y NPCs. And the necessity of having to converse with every single one of the dreary fuckwits to determine the quests they can give and the skills they can teach gives ''Risen'' a little bit too much trough and not enough peak. It's all rather monotone — converse with one white dude with brown hair and a regional British accent, conversed with them all. Even the first three recruitable crew members are all white dudes with brown hair and regional British accents. I'm not asking for the ''Mass Effect'' thing, where they're all different species: one human, one goblin, one pistol shrimp.  Nor am I asking for achingly politically correct diversity until it resembles fucking ''[[w:Sesame_Street|Sesame Street]]''. Just more ways to tell the fuckers apart would be nice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9684-Risen-3-Titan-Lords-Pirate-RPG-Review]

===[[w:Daikatana‎|Daikatana‎]]===
* I was slightly surprised to find ''Daikatana'' available on Steam, but even more so by the feature list: &quot;25 glorious weapons to collect and utilize&quot;, &quot;Two highly-trained sidekicks to watch your back.&quot; I'd have said it was being sarcastic if I thought publishers had any self-awareness at all. But, realistically, everyone knows that its infamous reputation is the only reason this game is on Steam, and the blurb should have read, &quot;Roll up, roll up, everyone! Come and see the freak!&quot;
* As negative press grew and grew concerning [[w:Daikatana#Development|nepotism and mass resignations]], and [http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/25/11128-romero_ad.jpg|full-page magazine ads] informed a restless gaming public that they were John Romero's cellmate and he'd claimed the top bunk (as it were), outright hostility was brewing. At this point, the universe takes two paths: One in which Romero spearheads a bold artistic movement in game design as a misunderstood genius, burdened with the egotism that often strikes the auteur; or Romero is forever lambasted as a boob, so massive that even the most determined baby would struggle to get its gob around it. And which universe we ended up with hinged on one thing: ''Daikatana'' not being a pile of execrable garbage. Better luck next time, universe. 
* Today's faceless triple-A industry rarely indulges auteurism, as throwing babies out with bathwater is now so routine to big business that the babies [[w:Independent video game development|have formed their own society in the outflow pipe]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9699-Daikatana-John-Romeros-B]

=== [[w:Lichdom: Battlemage|Lichdom: Battlemage]] ===
* Oh, for fuck's sake! Why didn't they just call it, &quot;Battlemage?&quot; That's a really fucking good title -- punchy, memorable, gets the point across. I'd call my dog, &quot;Battlemage!&quot;  Fuck it; I'd call my kid &quot;Battlemage&quot; (the playground beatings would be very character building)! Best of all, you feel like you can say it in conversation without having to prize the words through your teeth, like a stubborn [[w:Werther's Original|Werther's Original]].
* I'm so sick of the endless colon-ization of new games that feel like they're too special to make do with one title! It's so mind-bogglingly self-important it makes me want to spit! So from now on, I'm going to pronounce colons as dry-heaves. Did you hear that, Beyond (HRUUH) Two Souls? Murdered (HRUUH) Soul Suspect?
* Are we to take it that Lichdom (HRUUH) Battlemage is merely the first installment of an ongoing Lichdom series, not necessarily about battlemagery? Should we look forward to &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Dishwasher,&quot; and &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Tax Accountant?&quot; No, of course we fucking shouldn't, because it's a game about battlemaging and essentially nothing else! I'm pretty sure there aren't even liches in it! 
* Our story starts with a literal moustache-twirling villain walking into your house, weeing on your carpet and licking all the doorknobs, and then walking out while everyone laughs at your stupid, sad face. Whereupon a mysterious man in a hood grants you the power to shoot fire out of your hands and tells you to go nuts. I suppose if you're making a fantasy game, there is no fantasy like power fantasy. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9714-Lichdom-Battlemage-Review]

=== [[w:The Sims 4|The Sims 4]] ===
* So presumably, you know what ''The Sims'' is by this point: It's the best possible argument against the existence of a benevolent interventionist god, in which you direct small groups of dollhouse residents until they cease to amuse, then burn their lives to the ground and laugh at their betrayed tears. But before you start assembling your psychotic single white female-esque campaign of torment, do bear in mind that there isn't any swimming in ''Sims 4''. So you can no longer lure them into the pool and delete the ladder, which was so iconic to the series, they might as well have removed the green diamond thing.
* What ''The Sims'' is is a consumerist middle class fantasy about walling yourself off from the real world and reducing all measurement of human development and personal success to one's possessions -- your dragon's hoard of crass, suburban decadence. And in that game of Top Trumps, the swimming pool is a kingly crown. It's always the first thing on my progress list when I play ''The Sims'', after a second toilet and a TV bigger than my left bumcheek.
* I suppose it might be shallow to pick apart every individual detail that has been cut down, and a broader perspective might appreciate the formula being streamlined a bit. But on the other hand, it's the fucking Sims! It's the poster boy for shallowness. It's about smooth-skinned Stepford Wives competing to have the nicest wallpaper, as they willfully ignore the emaciated children sucking on a rat's armpit for nourishment, somewhere outside the pastel walls of their gated community. And to start removing the flatscreen tellies and power showers of gameplay features shows more blatant misunderstanding of its audience than the Black-And-White Minstrels tour of the South African prison system. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9738-The-Sims-4-Review]

=== [[w:The Evil Within|The Evil Within]] ===
* It plays like somebody said, &quot;Hey, make a horror game!&quot; And somebody else said, &quot;Okay, what about?&quot; &quot;I've just told you, about horror.&quot; &quot;No, I mean, what happens in it? What's the context? What are the major themes you want to work with?&quot; &quot;Horror, horror, and horror! Jesus Christ, just do it! Why are you so difficult to work with?&quot; And so the result is this undisciplined mishmash of horror set pieces and imagery barely justified by a toilet-tissue-flimsy plot, populated entirely by stock characters. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9840-The-Evil-Within-As-Bad-as-Bad-Horror-Games-Can-Get]

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare|Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare]] ===
* CODAW starts off on the right foot when we're introduced to our hero taking off his helmet to reveal that he's a white dude with awful facial hair. We then turn to his best friend who takes off his helmet to reveal that he's the exact same, identical white dude with awful facial hair. Then they start talking about their dads because it's always dads, isn't it? There are no mothers in Call of Duty's world. Soldiers are birthed fully formed from the tail pipes of their father's restored Cadillacs.
* Our friend, who's identical to ourselves, dies in a very heroic and insecure way, and at the funeral, we are introduced to his father, Kevin Spacey, who is the only white guy in the plot who doesn't have atrocious facial hair which I suppose means that he's the baddie. I'd spoiler that since he doesn't properly villain it up until a ways in the game, but come on! It's Kevin Spacey; of course he's the villain. He's got two faces: smart arsed and recently punched for being a smart arse.
* Kevin Spacey essentially becomes a G.I. Joe villain. The usual anomalously well-organized terrorist strike cripples most of the world, so Kevin Spacey rolls in, takes the credit for ending terrorism, and becomes the most powerful corporation on Earth. And then, having essentially conquered the world with money and minimal force, Kevin Spacey decides his next course of action will be to invade the United States. Yeah, this is where I sort of lose his train of logic. I mean, he practically runs the world already at that point; but I guess conquest just doesn't feel like conquest 'till you've stuck a flag in someone else's shit. And he openly announces his intentions to take over the world in a speech at the ''United Nations'', after which the world turns against him and I want to know what the fuck he was expecting would happen after he stopped talking - pyjama party? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9907-Call-of-Duty-Advanced-Warfare-G-I-Joe-Villain-Kevin-Spacey]

=== [[w:Far Cry 4|Far Cry 4]] ===
* Where Brody became a killing machine out of desperate survival need and enough drugs to occupy Amy Winehouse for one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ghale only does it essentially because somebody told him to and he didn't want to make a fuss. He's just a dope who does nothing but agree with the last thing he heard. And everyone around him seems to realize it, you can tell from the way characters give him mission briefings. Every single time they make some token instructing noises, give him a little encouraging smack on the bum and close the door in his face and go back to the TV. Ajay's story eventually leads to his parent's dark secret that explains why the villain has an interest in him. But since Ajay reacts to the revelation like a St. Bernard being told he can't have another biscuit, my first thought was &quot;Any chance we could play as your parents instead? They sound more interesting than you.&quot;
* The main plot thread concerns the resistance being torn between two leaders, one old-fashioned and moralistic, and the other extreme but pragmatic, and you have to decide which one to support. They both have good points, it was a somewhat interesting dilemma and I put quite a bit of thought into my decisions. But what I wanted was some sodding payoff. And at the end of it all, you install you preferred dictator and they go &quot;Cheers, for that&quot;, smack on the bum, close door in face. This must be what it's like to be the American secretary of state. And then you trudge up main villain's house and they're all like &quot;Don't look at me, my ending's completely anticlimactic as well.&quot;  
* Riding elephants is one of those things I didn't realize I wanted until I had it. It's just fun to stampede into a ring of soldiers or, indeed, wolves and go &quot;What's up motherfuckers? The elephant in the room is that you're all fucking dead.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9930-Far-Cry-4-F-k-Eagles]

=== [[w:Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric|Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric]] ===
* The plot opens with Sonic et al., running fast and fighting Dr. Eggrobotmannik. Blimey, that's a bold stride in a new direction! No wonder we needed a fucking reboot! In short order, Sonic frees an evil snake monster from the past who claims that it was Sonic himself who imprisoned him a thousand years ago. And so the plot starts making time travel noises as Sonic is transported back to do the thing he already did. You might reasonably think at this point that we're setting up a ''Zelda''-esque mechanic wherein we hop back and forth between two different time periods throughout the game, and you'd be all wrong and a bag of chips! We go back in time, imprison the poor bastard, and come straight back. It's never brought up again and we're not even a quarter of the way through the game!
* No, I know what it is. It's an endurance test. You see how much of the dialogue you can listen to before you slice you own ears off with a paper guillotine. Or perhaps just turn the volume down, you spaz. &quot;Getting sniffy about random quips not meeting your comedy standards again, are we Yahtzee?&quot; (Referring to [[Sunset Overdrive]]) I would be if they were quips. They seem more like matter-of-fact running commentary. &quot;Bounce pad!&quot; announces Sonic as he touches a bounce pad. &quot;It's bounce pad time!&quot; he adds. &quot;I'm bouncing off something with pad-like characteristics!&quot; he clarifies. And when it's not that, it's the game weakly attempting to praise itself. &quot;This is amsoewe[sic]!&quot; cries a sprinting character as they face-plant into another rock. &quot;This place looks amazing!&quot; they say, taking in the boxy buildings worthy of a pre-analogue sticks PS1 game. But saying something isn't enough to make it true, unless you say something like, &quot;Sega are attracting derision, the massive wankers!&quot; And when the dialoge isn't awful quips or self-aggrandizement, it's just treating the player like an absolute cretin. (As Sonic Boom) &quot;That wall looks breakable. I noticed you haven't broken it in the 2.7 seconds since I last mentioned that. That's cool. I'll check again in 2.8 seconds.&quot; What makes you think I'm this stupid, Sonic Boom? &quot;You bought me.&quot; Touché. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9953-Sonic-Boom-Boom-or-Bust]

=== [[w:Talos Principle|Talos Principle]] ===
* You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of [[w:The Prisoner|The Prisoner]].
* There are also a few obscure object mechanics that the game doesn't explain properly, but bases puzzles around regardless.  It's possible, for example, to put the boxes on top of the roving proximity mines.  It's not fair if you don't make all the rules clear.  If I'm stuck in a puzzle game, I prefer it to be because I'm a big thicky-bobo who can't figure out where all the pieces go, not because one of the pieces was still in the box.  Forgive me if it didn't occur to me to go near the bleeping explode-y death-ball and repurpose it as a dessert trolley.
* [post-credits] Random documents and audio logs / We find them stuck to notice boards, we find them under dogs / We're gonna put them in a file and give it a review / And we're bored of all the gameplay, but we've nothing else to do.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9981-The-Talos-Principle]

=== [[w:Dying Light|Dying Light]] ===
* This ostensibly new IP plays a lot like ''Dead Island'', I thought, before noticing that it comes to us from [[w:Techland|the same developer]] as ''Dead Island'', which confused me for a bit 'cause I assumed they were working on ''Dead Island 2'', currently represented by a pre-rendered trailer that, as always, tells us as much about the game as it does about freshwater fly fishing.  But apparently that's being developed by Yager, creators of ''Spec Ops: The Line'', a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and violence while getting a lovely suntan.  But I digress.  ''Dying Light'' is a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and OH, GOD, EVERYTHING'S SPIRALIING IN ON ITSELF!  WHAT ARE THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME?  ''JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MY OWN BUTTOCKS!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10030-Dying-Light-Yay-More-Zombies]

=== [[w:The Order: 1886|The Order: 1886]] ===
* In fact, ''The Order'' seems to be making eye-contact with ''Ryse: Son of Rome'', as they both stare forlornly out through the fences of their respective death-camps. They are the stuff of the &quot;spunkgargleweewee&quot;-modern-shooter behind the thin disguise of an alternative setting; a &quot;funkmarbleteehee&quot; if you will. In fact, the moment that crossed my mind, I realized that the plot of ''The Order'' is point-for-point identical to the plot of ''Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare'': We are &quot;Sir Galahad&quot;; a veteran, loyal member of the Order with the face of Al Swearengen from ''Deadwood'' and the vocabulary of a shaved bear, pledged to defend the land from evil terrorists -- I mean, werewolves -- but then finds himself having to fight off a civilian resistance, and in situations like this, you can put money down ''right fucking now'' on his high-tech, authoritarian big-boys club proving corrupt and him switching sides to a resistance movement surprisingly accepting of a dude who murdered two-hundred of their mates that morning.
* In the run-up to release, I'd gotten the idea that ''The Odor: 1886'' was a four-player co-op shooter -- going again by the teaser and the four characters on the box-art, arranged with equal prominence. I wonder if that might once have been the intention because, of the three characters on the box besides Galahad, none of them are still participating in the plot by the final level, as if in the original first draft they were supposed to have been tagging along with you. Although having said that, the main villain is also no longer participating in the plot at the end.  To go back to the ''Advanced Warfare'' comparison: It's like if Kevin Spacey just flat out hadn't appeared in the final mission and the final boss fight was instead with Kevin Spacey's pet Staffordshire Terrier, with Kevin Spacey mockingly saluting from a hang-gilder with 'Sequel Hook' written on it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10051-The-Order-1886-Steampunk-Modern-Warfare]

=== [[w:Battlefield Hardline|Battlefield Hardline]] ===
* As for the actual plot, well, why don't you fill in the blanks yourself? You're a cop on the ''blank'', you get ''blanked'' for a ''blank'' you didn't commit, and now you're out for ''blank'' and to clear your ''blank''. The new modern shooter is officially the old detective thriller with gradual shift to heist movie in the second half. What confuses me, though, is that, even after you've been wrongly accused and are on the run, you can still arrest people. In fact, when the evil private cops show up to arrest you, you can arrest them back! What organisation is going to come around and pick those guys up?! The criminal police from Opposite Land who give talks to high-school kids on how drugs are really great and everyone should take them? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10086-Battlefield-Hardline-Cops-Robbers]

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat X|Mortal Kombat X]] ===
* I'm surprised by how many original characters are introduced in ''MKX''.  There's even a ''gay'' one, apparently, and it's not the one dressed as a cowboy (which I call [[W:Brokeback Mountain|a fucking missed opportunity]]). &quot;Original&quot; might be a poor choice of words, actually; one of the new characters is blatantly Master Blaster from [[w:Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome|Mad Max 3]], and most of the rest are the younger offspring, cousins, and catamite love slaves of the returning old farts. I remember saying about [[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|MK9]] that it was written like a subpar superhero comic trying to earn a tax rebate on red ink, and that comparison's only getting stronger now that everyone's got a fucking teenage sidekick! The trademark extreme violence feels rather incongruous combined with this whole [[w:Muppet Babies|Muppet Babies]] concept: You can play the story campaign and watch Johnny Cage complain to his ex-wife, Sonya Blade, that she never makes time for their daughter any more, and then you can go into one of the non-story modes and watch Johnny Cage snap his daughter in half lengthways like a giant Kit Kat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10112-Mortal-Kombat-X-Test-Your-Might]

=== [[w:The_Witcher_3:_Wild_Hunt|The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt]] ===
* And now your regularly scheduled reminder that the new consoles are shit:  The new consoles are shit.  Thank you.
* Meanwhile, the game watched uncomfortably from the sidelines occasionally shouting, &quot;Hey, there's all these fancy oils you could be using to get this done about point-four percent more efficiently.  Maybe you could craft some from the entire Hanging Gardens of Babylon's worth of random herbs and flowers you've got stuffed down your trousers?&quot;  &quot;Got any upgrades for the basic healing potion?&quot; I shout back.  &quot;Not presently, no,&quot; replies the game.  &quot;Then I'll stick with mashing quick-attack if it's all the same to you.&quot;  &quot;Well, if that's your attitude, your sword just broke again, haa-haa-haa.&quot;  Oh, bloody hell.  Rivery Gerald's oaths of fidelity last longer than his fuckin' swords.  I think they just stuck a hilt on an unusually long Pringle.
* ...I did engage with the characters, and felt sad when my choices led to their deaths -- although it's pretty fucking hard to predict where some axes will fall.  One particularly nuanced character died as an eventual consequence of me turning an evil tree into a horse.  ''Well, '''now''' it sounds obvious!''  [http://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10161-The-Witcher-3-Wild-Hunt-Review]

=== [[w:Splatoon|Splatoon]] ===
*So what other online content is there? ''&quot;Other online content?&quot;'' said Splatoon, bemused. ''&quot;We've got a whole two maps!  You can wear different shirts that no one besides you will ever notice or care about! What more you do want?&quot;'' Two maps?! ''&quot;No, of course not just two maps! We wouldn't be much of a multiplayer-focused game with only two maps, would we? We've actually got five maps, thank you very much. But we artifically restrict you to two and change them every few hours.&quot;''  Okay.  Why? ''&quot;What's with all the fucking questions?! You see anyone else complaining?&quot;'' said Splatoon, pointing to the many player avatars standing around the lobby like ''Village of the Damned'' with Miiverse posts floating over their head saying things like: [in a droning monotone] &quot;This is the best game ever,&quot; and, &quot;Hooray for Splatoon,&quot; and, &quot;My connection died again. Whoops, I mean: I love Nintendo,&quot; and, &quot;Thanks to Nintendo and to local gaming retailer for bringing me this great game.&quot; That was a real message I actually saw. How many checks do you think that guy is cashing? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10168-Splatoon-Ink-Pun]

=== [[w:Hatred (video game)|Hatred]] ===
* We live in an age where mass communication has counterintuitively turned all attempts at verbal debate into a basketball game where the teams are on different courts, and stand around a basket racking up meaningless points and throwing shit over the dividing wall. The only way an individual can safely express their politics these days is to anonymously spend money. Hence why homophobic pizza joints can mysteriously accrue a million dollars in donations. ''Hatred'' exists merely as a maypole for those wishing to defy the cultural nannies who want to tell them they can't have it until they learn to wipe their bottoms properly. [https://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10177-Hatred-Review]

=== E3 2015 ===
* VR tech may finally be making its move. The claim that motion controls would enhance immersion was always about as believable as the claim that a sledgehammer can enhance a Fabergé egg, but I genuinely believe that VR represents the way forward for immersive gaming [...]  But of course, Oculus already did its pre-E3 announcement that it was jumping into bed with Microsoft. ''Yowser!'' Could have broken that more gently, Oculus! You don't come out to your parents in a Christmas card. An Xbox One controller will ship with it, like a rich snot buying his way into the popular kids' club; and you can stream Xbox One games onto to it. There was a video of someone playing a third-person game on a screen in a virtual living room, which I'm guessing is their entry for the Piers-Morgan-for-President Total Pointlessness Award. And also, there's going to be a special two-handed controller that incorporates- '''No!''' That incorporates motion-se- '''Oh, GOD no!''' That incorporates motion-sensor tec- '''No no no! We were SO CLOSE! We were almost FREE!''' Why must we forever carry our failures around with us like a scrotum full of horseshoes!? ''Oh, you can pick up a virtual gun with your actual hand and fire it.'' 'Cause that's what I want added to the process of shooting an enemy, isn't it?! My noodly wrist groping for something that isn't there, like a castrated wanker! Hey, Captain Scott! How about we make sure we can actually get to the South Pole before we start making plans to erect the Statue of Liberty there?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10185-E3-2015-Hype-Train-Is-Back]

=== [[w:Batman: Arkham Knight|Batman: Arkham Knight]] ===
* The problem with super-hero movies is that they only have three plots: Villain endangers hero's loved one; hero faces villain who is dark reflection of themselves, villain threatens to cover a city in gas that will make everyone as petty as they are. ''Arkham Knight'' goes through all three, multiple times, with varying degrees of disconnect and all messily layering over each other like an orgy in a poorly-made lasagna. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10204-Batman-Arkham-Knight-Being-Rich-Is-a-Super-Power]

=== [[w:Everybody's Gone To The Rapture|Everybody's Gone To The Rapture]] ===
* I suppose my first major problem with the story is that I assumed I was crawling through the village on my overloaded mobility scooter to discover the nature of the mysterious event that happened to it. It's rather swiftly established that everyone got disappeared by space magic; but after completing the game, I still didn't have any explanation better than, &quot;Everyone got disappeared by space magic.&quot;  Which raised the obvious question of what the hell we ''have'' been learning for the last three hours! Well, we know that scientist-guy is a complete douche-balloon because his mom is the Lord High Empress of The Busybody Cattlecunts, and we witnessed a bunch of other interpersonal conflicts that all ended rather anti-climatically when — you guessed it — everyone got disappeared by space magic. But you know what? ''Everybody Wants to Rule the World'' was never intended to be traditional story-telling: What with events playing out for us in essentially random order. So now — as well as being glued to the side of a gazelle — the book's being chewed up by the honey badger riding on the gazelle's back.
* Maybe, rather than a linear mystery to be unlocked by the end, I should see it as immersing myself in the larger world of the characters. The problem with that is: I don't ''like'' any of the characters and I'd sooner immerse myself in a vat of cold Marmite! I think I'm supposed to sympathise with the American scientist lady, because this is rural England and the locals read the words &quot;American scientist lady&quot; the same way they read the words &quot;Venusian ballerina crab&quot;. But she's hardly meeting them half-way; treating them like idiots and reacting hypersensitively to their blissful ignorance, like a cat that shares a litterbox with a hedgehog. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57425-Everybodys-Gone-To-The-Rapture]

=== [[w:Volume (video game)|Volume]] ===
* Between ''Volume'', ''V for Vendetta'' and ''Children of Men'', I'm noticing that the world of fiction finds it curiously easy to believe that a near-future Britain would become a fascist dictatorship. It's like all British people are sitting on the edges of their settees watching Countdown just waiting for the economy to dip a few more points so they can gleefully fling their teacups aside and start taking the truncheon to the underclasses. And speaking as a British person, this never rings true for me. Now, I admit I haven't been in Britain for nigh-on ten years now so maybe Carol Vorderman founded a neo-fascist revolutionary movement while I wasn't paying attention, but most of the British people I know, if you invited them to truncheon an underclass for the greater glory of the superior British race, most of them would reply with, &quot;Ooh, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was making a fuss&quot;, before apologizing for no reason. At the height of the Empire, maybe, but I just don't think there's anything the modern British care enough about to inspire violent dictatorships (except maybe football).

=== [[w:Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain|Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain]] ===
* ...Konami recently decided they're going to take everything they've built over the years as a game developer, arrange it nicely in front of them, and then pick up a big hammer and smash and smash and smash and smash and smash. &quot;Sorry we had to cancel Silent Hills, but we kind of lost our interest in it around the same time we lost our ''fucking miiiiiinds!'' Here, have a pachinko machine instead. We like pachinko machines, 'cause it's nice to have something around that has some fucking balls. Also, fuck off, Hideo Kojima; you're too reliably bankable for our liking. We'd much rather stick our feet up our arse and bounce down the stairs making burbling noises with our lips! Brblbblbblbb!&quot; Although Phantom Pain doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, 'cause Hideo Kojima's name is all over it, to a frankly quite psychotic degree. Christ knows why every individual mission has to have its own credit sequence unless Hideo's worried we've all got short-term memory loss. I know you're the director, Hideo; there's a mentally damaged woman over there with her tits hanging out, of course it's by you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57452-Metal-Gear-Solid-V-The-Phantom-Pain]

=== [[w:Until Dawn|Until Dawn]] ===
* I have a soft spot for the slasher movie. Not that they're ever anything above god-awful. I mean; calling ''Friday the 13th'' &quot;art&quot; is like calling a face full of crusted shit &quot;cosmetic surgery&quot;. But I like them because there's something very essentially cathartic about watching a bunch of complete twats get completely twatted. When the parade of out-of-work actors in their mid-to-late twenties pretending to be carefree teenagers with unfeasibly easy access to expensive holiday real estate seem to find no end of amusement in jumping out at each other ten million times across the first hour as the soundtrack shrieks like Sharon Stone just recrossed her legs in front of the violinists, Jason Voorhees is acting out the growing desires of the audience as he starts slitting them up like Christmas presents with good dentistry. ''Until Dawn'' is an interactive story of the David Cage school pushed through the filter of slasher movie, with the promise being that, if we make all the right decisions, perhaps we can keep all the out-of-work twenty-something actors alive. I don't think you were paying attention, ''Until Dawn!'' I will have made the right decisions if every single one of those gurgleburgs ends up upholstering the soft furnishings in Leatherface's man cave!
* [''Until Dawn''] also owes something to ''Silent Hill: Shattered Memories'', in that it tries to psychologically evaluate you to an extent, albeit with considerably less subtlety. At one point, a character brazenly asks, &quot;Say, which three of these things do you find scariest?&quot; And lo and behold; the three you pick will show up later! That seems like an easy system to game: &quot;No, really! I'm terrified of Magners Cider, Jaffa Cakes, and handjobs!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57495-Until-Dawn]

=== [[w:Soma (video game)|SOMA]] ===
* ''SOMA'' feels like a decent, melancholy sci-fi mystery story living next door to a sci-fi horror B movie whose dog keeps escaping and jumping in our swimming pool (what a little bastard), and you can really feel the game struggling to mesh the two, right up until the end when it blows a little raspberry and gives up trying. On the way to the final area, to conclude the Simon story, a new character literally appears from nowhere, pops his head around the door, and says: &quot;Sorry to interrupt, player, but before you tie up the main plot, could we borrow you for five minutes to tie up the shitty monster plot as well?&quot; So you follow him into a little room, press one button labeled, &quot;Resolve Shitty Monster Plot,&quot; and then get on with what you were doing. I'm only slightly exaggerating! So I suppose if Antoine de Saint-Exupéry were here, he'd ask, &quot;Would SOMA be improved if they took out the monster stealthing altogether and got by with exploration, puzzles, and environmental hazards? Also, didn't I die in 1944?&quot; Well, I'd say so, Antoine, but if they took out the scary monsters, what else are the streamers and Let's Players supposed to obnoxiously overreact to? &quot;''AAAHHH''! IT'S SO ''EXISTENTIAL''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93321-SOMA]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Syndicate|Assassin's Creed Syndicate]] ===
* I once described the ''Assassin's Creed'' series as a line graph and here's how it continues: From the point that ''Unity'' was at, draw a perfectly horizontal line. We've jumped 60 years and about 250 miles, but we haven't budged a fucking inch. I wouldn't say Syndicate is the worst Sassy Credo, but it might well be the laziest. Lazily written, certainly. We play as twins, Jacob and Evie Frye, one of them is brash and reckless and direct-combat-oriented, the other is smart and measured and more suited to stealth. I'll leave you to guess which one's the boy and which one's the girl, but here's a hint: Try to think like the laziest writer in the fucking universe.
* Remember how Leonardo was a major character in Screedo 2, and the friendship between him and Ezio was actually firmly established?  Well, the sideburns muscled that out, too, 'cause every meeting with a historical figure in ''Syndicate'' plays like something from a fucking kids' TV series:  &quot;Hello, I'm the famous Charles Dickens.&quot;  &quot;Hello, the famous Charles Dickens; we're stand-ins for the audience.&quot;  &quot;Hello, stand-ins.  I guess that means I can inexplicably enlist you to solve my problems.&quot;  &quot;What problems, the famous Charles Dickens?&quot;  &quot;It's all these random thugs stopping me from finishing the famous books I write.  If only there was someone around here who could brutally stab them all to death for me.&quot;
* Mind you, I said we haven't moved anywhere since ''Unity'', but at least ''Unity'' tried to play a bit with the idea of Assassins and Templars not being a totally uncomplicated good-versus-evil situation; whereas in ''Syndicate'', the best and only argument for opposing the main villain is: &quot;Fucking look at the guy! He's like someone drew a Snidely Whiplash moustache onto a picture of Joseph Goebbels!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106803-Assassins-Creed-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Halo 5: Guardians|Halo 5: Guardians]] ===
* Turns out Cortana's big dramatic death scene in the last game wasn't for realisies, but one could kinda predict that from the mere fact that there is a Halo 5 at all. It doesn't take a giant space-protractor to calculate that Master Chief and Cortana are the only marketable faces of the franchise; which is not even because they're good or interesting characters. It's only because Mr. Chuffy is the protagonist and Cortana flaps her big blue knockers about like a gelatin dessert on a merry-go-round. The funny thing is, even in-universe, everyone seems to realize that Mr. Chuffy and his little blue titty-monster are the only characters of any importance.  So when Mr. Chuffy reports having a weird dream about Cortana being alive and calling him to distant planet, not a single person so much as hazards the possibility that it was just a dream and maybe he'll forget all about if they buy him a new wank-doll for Christmas. No, they're all like, &quot;Ooh, this is serious! We better go to that planet, then!&quot;
* The action is split between the four Spartans trying to hunt down Mr. Chuffy and Mr. Chuffy himself, who also has three finger puppets with him for no better reason than because his bits needs to be four player co-op as well. Any potential that might have been here for some kind of tense or dramatic character interplay is lost by the fact that Halo continues to seem like it was written by a castrated slug. The crime for which Mr. Chuffy is being hunted is so completely fucking weak that the two parties can barley summon the effort to be cross at each other when they do meet. Two of them have a token punch-up about midway through that has more the air of two blind people trying to politely get past each other in a crowded restaurant. It might have helped if it had been playable! But Halo 5's attitude seems to be that nothing ruins an action sequence faster than players.
* The game opens with the four members of the B-Team having a huge spectacular punch-up in a war zone, at which point I went, &quot;HOLY, WOW! Look at that!  The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caladonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don't know fighting other people I don't know for reasons unexplained could be as interesting.&quot; After all, I know the backstory for that stain. It was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched ''Free Willy'' for the first time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106811-Halo-5-Guardians]

=== [[w:Fallout 4|Fallout 4]] ===
* Bethesda RPGs are always deeply explorative, but never immersive. They make for some great screenshots, but the moment it has to start living and animating, you find it full of blank-eyed computer programs who struggle to navigate a six-lane highway without a carelessly-placed dog turd making their path-finding bugger up, and who have a weird habit of mysteriously vanishing in front of doors, which the doors always find so surprising that they momentarily forget how doors are supposed to work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116433-Fallout-4]

=== [[w:Devil's Third|Devil's Third]] ===
* The quickest possible description for [''Devil's Third''] would be, &quot;Poor Man's ''Metal Gear Solid'',&quot; and I mean ''really'' poor; like the kind of ''Metal Gear Solid'' that was brewed from ketchup packets in a prison toilet. You know how Hideo Kojima's approach to including real world politics and history in his games is to read the first line of the Wikipedia page and then get bored and set a whale on fire? ''Devil's Third'' somehow does even less, and seems to have gotten its understanding of the world from what could be barked at it through the door-hatch as it was passed its morning bowl of gruel. How's this for -- let's charitably call it -- misguided: The main character is an inmate in Guantanamo Bay, which in this reality is an underground prison by way of ''Beyond Thunderdome'' populated exclusively by white, American Metallica enthusiasts.
* Anyway. I should probably tell you what genre of game ''Devil's Third'' is. Well, you can't pin it down as simply as that, as it drunkenly meanders between several different rooms of the Gameplay House like it just got in from a bender and can't remember where it left its kebab. It's a hack-n-slash, shooter, military, horror, character drama, bad fashion-sense simulator making the classic mistake that a bit of everything creates some kind of sumptuous buffet, when here in the real world one does not put cola cubes, live bait, and Mini Babybels in the same pick 'n' mix bag. Clearly, not enough of us gave our lives in the trenches of ''Ride to Hell: Retribution'' for everyone to learn that a brawler and a shooter don't get along in the same space. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116642-Devils-Third]

=== [[w:The Witness|The Witness]] &amp; [[w:Bombshell|Bombshell]] ===
* ''The Witness'' is a new game by Jonathan Blow.  Ironically, it sucks!  ''Mneh-eh-eh-eh-obnoxious-laugh!''
* &quot;Awww, the mean ol' puzzles hurt Yahtzee-Boo-Boo's fragile little gamey-brainy-wain. Perhaps you'd be more suited to the kind of puzzle where you only draw straight lines connecting a shotgun barrel to a foreign insurgent's left testicle.&quot; HEY! Twat-Finder General! I solved the puzzles. I just wasn't having ''fun'' doing so. I completed the whole island, turned on all the laser beams, opened up the mountain to what I suspect was the final climactic area, and then the game threw ''fifteen more'' line-drawing puzzles at my face, and, frankly, fuck that! &quot;Congratulations on getting through that bowl of dog food, player. Here's your reward: another helping of dog food.&quot;
* &quot;Hey, Yahtzee,&quot; said Steam towards the end of the week. &quot;Do you remember that announcement trailer you saw a while back for a game called ''Bombshell?''&quot;
: &quot;I do indeed! It was one of the ''worst trailers I've ever seen.'' I think they made it by gluing poser models together with cold spunk!&quot;
: &quot;Oh... well, the game's out now.&quot;
: &quot;Peachy-fucking-KEEN!&quot;
: [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116783-The-Witness-Bombshell-Review]

=== [[w:Gravity Rush|Gravity Rush]] ===
* I did hear the game was alright, but I wasn't gonna buy a fuckin' PS Vita to play it. That'd be like adopting an incontinent chimpanzee 'cause you fancy the lady who comes 'round to change his nappies. Thankfully, a remastered version of ''Gravity Rush'' came out last week for the PS 4, which I very much appreciate, because I'm sick of all this &quot;mad people&quot; privilege in modern society; they get all these exclusive games, they hog all the fun medications, and there seems to be a whole bunch of them running for president at the moment. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116793-Gravity-Rush-Review]

=== [[w:XCOM 2|XCOM 2]] ===
* Twenty years have passed since the last game, the Earth has come under the control of an oppressive alien regime fronted by a dorky human collaborator, and when the silent protagonist gets released from suspended animation the resistance can finally get started. Because no one was willing to get off their ass and defend themselves without the presence of this one gormless mute. But enough about the plot of ''Half-Life 2''; let's talk about ''XCOM 2'' instead. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116803-XCOM-2-Review]

=== [[w:Firewatch|Firewatch]] &amp; [[w:Layers of Fear|Layers of Fear]] ===
* As for ''Layers of Fear'', like ''[[w:P.T._(video_game)|P.T.]]'', it's not much more than a showcase of spooky set pieces. But ''P.T.'' never claimed to be a complete game! Makes me think of ''[[w:The_Evil_Within|Evil Within]]'': you try to make an entire game out of a delusional nightmare sequence, and it gets boring 'cause it never lets up, and the nightmare becomes the norm. Bid us to sit down and pull the chair away as we do so, but don't ''keep doing it''; do it once, then apologize, let us sit for a while, wait 'til we're calm, then throw spiders at our face and burn the house down! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116814-Firewatch-Layers-of-Fear]

=== [[w:Far Cry Primal|Far Cry Primal]] ===
* You're in the wrong place if you're looking for an engaging plot, or indeed ''any'' plot. You might think the shit I described so far constitutes a plot, but you’d be wrong. The killer sabertooth tiger that sparks off the adventure we kill later on as one of the big hunt missions without even much prominence. I ousted both the rival tribes, who, I'll just reiterate, we aren't given much reason to oppose except that they'd also quite like to survive the winter. But the game still didn't end! This is the game that Ubisoft's sandboxes have been tacitly threatening to turn into for quite some time now: One where all sense of structural progress is kept as vague as possible for want of turning the game into a platform for a series of disconnected events and repetitive challenges, I suspect because it's easier for the inevitable fucking DLC to slot into like a bloodstained erection. But you know what, I'm with you, Ubisoft. Who needs some uppity creative trying to dictate to me how to experience their creation? I mean, where did the creators of ''Breaking Bad'' get off telling me I should watch season one before season two?! Oh, because I quote &quot;won't understand what's going on?&quot; ''You don't know me!'' And who does this Shakespeare motherfucker think he is, putting the pages in numbered order?! I am the master of my domain, I choose to shuffle them all up and read the text from right to left! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116820-Far-Cry-Primal]

=== [[w:Stardew_Valley|Stardew Valley]] and [[w:Superhot|Superhot]] ===
* ''Stardew Valley'' is a retro-style farming simulator recently released on Steam that's somewhat reminiscent of ''Harvest Moon.''  Oh, sorry, I read that wrong.  ''Stardew Valley'' is ''Harvest Moon.''  It murdered ''Harvest Moon,'' stole ''Harvest Moon's'' skin, and befriended ''Harvest Moon's'' parents under the guise of consoling them in their hour of grief.
* The plot is, we play a big nerd sitting in front of a computer playing games (''Whoa, slow down, Superhot!  Give me a chance to get into character!''), who gets sent the hot new game by their online friend, and the barriers between game and reality start to break down as a mysterious force within the game begins to mess with you, in a rather weak-sauce and desperate manner.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha!  We're in control now!  You cannot escape!  Press ESCape and see what happens!&quot;  Could I just play the next combat mission, please?  ''&quot;Hit escape, you prick!&quot;''  All right, fine.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha! It didn't work!  As cat with mouse, I toy with thee!  Now I'm going to make you quit the game and restart it again!  What now, bitch!?&quot;  I dunno; maybe I'll get some work done.  ''&quot;Wait! Come back!!&quot;''

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's The Division|Tom Clancy's The Division]] ===
* Whenever a new Tom Clancy game comes out, I always have to double-check his Wikipedia page to make sure he's still dead. He's prolific for a corpse!
* We are a member of a secret government agency called &quot;The Division&quot;, that consists of agents secretly inserted throughout the general population for... no particular reason, now being activated to go into ruined Manhattan and jolly well sort it out! 'Cause it turns out, Wayne LaPierre was right all along: the only thing that can stop a bad roving pack of murderous thugs is a good roving pack of murderous thugs. So let me see if I've got this straight, the corpse of Tom Clancy: We're a member of the secret police under no official scrutiny or accountability, and our job is to go into an area of civil unrest and murder dissenting citizens without trial, and it's not set in Stalinist Russia? &quot;Now we can take these back to the people!&quot; said my earpiece friend after a supply recovering mission. Sorry, which people were those again? Presumably not the people in whose corpses I now stand knee-deep? Oh right, you meant the ''&quot;real&quot;'' people; the ones that bowed and scraped when the government assassination squad showed up. See, the premise would have worked perfectly well if we'd just been some random citizen doing our bit to take back the city, Charles Bronson style, baby! The only thing the secret police thing adds is to make us less relatable and give hard-ons to the paranoid authoritarian lot, who want to believe that the government will finally sort out those intimidating young people who stand around outside their house talking loudly.
* If you ask me, the overt RPG mechanics make the game even more frighteningly tone-deaf. I mean, there are moments when certain characters beam down from Planet Sensible and call out the whole &quot;unaccountable secret police&quot; thing, and the game does present it like he's making a valid point. But then the cutscene ends and we go straight back to &quot;Oh boy, time to fight some Level 20 disenfranchised citizens! Watch out for the elite enemies, they get more health from being ''extra'' disenfranchised!&quot; The tone's all over the place. One moment you find an audio log of someone using the mummified corpses of their children to get the campfire started, the next you're talking to one of those ''wacky'' section commanders who all have a single hilarious personality quirk, like they keep talking about their TV career or how they used to work at the zoo jerking off polar bears. It's a big fat indicator that the game had nine different writers who spent the whole dev cycle locked in different toilet cubicles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116838-The-Division]

=== [[w:Uncharted 4: A Thief's End|Uncharted 4: A Thief's End]] ===
* ''Uncharted 4'' is very decisively the final game in the series about exploring marvelous lost cities in many exotic international locations, while controlling an insufferable, murdering pillock whose dialogue is ten percent smug quips and ninety percent exertion noises. And ''Uncharted 4'' has concluded that the insufferable pillock is the part we're invested in. I feel this is making the same mistake as the new ''Tomb Raiders'', trying to focus on the protagonist of the adventure story rather than the adventuring part.  Claim to be invested in Laura Croft's character all you like, but you know you'd rather watch her outrunning an avalanche than talking earnestly about her commitment issues. I mean, strip the adventure out of ''Uncharted 4'' and it's just &quot;People With No Idea How to Communicate With Each Other: The Game&quot;! I know that's kinda the point when Nathan Drake creates a rift with his wife, by not telling her he is going on an adventure, but towards the end when they are together again and are having a big reconnecting scene, these people who've been married for years ''still can't fucking communicate!'' All they do is quip and talk into their shoes; it makes me fucking cringe! I want to step in, shove them aside, and do the dialogue myself with sock puppets. If you dropped a Shakespearian character into the ''Uncharted'' universe, they would stand out like a neon-pink Johnny in a cucumber patch: ''Come join me now/ ye gentles all/ and crouch behind/ yon chest-high wall!''
* You're out of luck if you're not interested in Nathan Drake as a person and would rather get on with the action and adventure part of the action adventure, cause before things kick off you've got two flashback chapters to get through and then a chapter in which Nathan Drake bums around the house being mildly frustrated. You know what though, I talk shit, but I was actually starting to like the bastard during that whole segment. I wanna see more of the boring, suburban life of the ex-douchebag adventurer; it's like Han Solo getting dropped into the middle of an Alan Bennett production.
* I can't get up [Uncharted 4]'s ass too much, 'cause I know this is the kind of game I miss when I'm having to play shit like ''The Division'' and other games that one should be very strongly advised not to play prior to operating heavy machinery. I couldn't call ''Uncharted'' &quot;boring&quot;, but it has now done all it can do, in which case: well done for ending it. And that's pretty conclusively ended, 'cause it's got the kind of epilogue you can't roll back from without a time machine or, more realistically, a particularly exorbitant check from Sony. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116877-Uncharted-4-A-Thiefs-End]

=== [[w:Mirror's Edge Catalyst|Mirror's Edge Catalyst]] ===
* The evil corporations are brewing an evil corporate scheme, and we can only hope that it's a scheme that can foiled by doing parkour at it. Yes, ''Mirror's Edge'' is a First Person Parkour-Em-Up, and the plot runs into the recurring issue that there are only so many situations that running somewhere very fast can assist with. The game's missions have many varied story reasons behind them, but in practical terms most of them are completed by running up to the right computer and mashing our hand on the screen. There's a memorable mission when Faith is working with the Resistance as they set out to kidnap some evil corporate type, a fairly significant development that drives most of what remains of the plot. But since at no point in the process of kidnapping someone does parkour become necessary, the whole thing takes place off-screen with Faith tasked to instead, open-quotes, &quot;clear the path&quot; by — you guessed it! — following a parkour path to a series of computers and mashing her hand on each screen. You get to listen to the kidnapping through your earpiece, as you gaze heavenwards and dream about what it would be like to be the main character of this story. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116892-Mirrors-Edge-Catalyst]

=== [[w:Inside_(video_game)|Inside]] and [[w:Shadow_of_the_Beast_(2016_video_game)|Shadow of The Beast]] ===
* ...For a moment this week, the spirit of [[w:Summer_of_Arcade|Summer of Arcade]] returned when the Xbone coughed up a spiritual successor to ''Limbo'', the depressed self-harming beach babe of the 2010 frolics.  So let's take a look inside...  Er, sorry, I meant to say:  Let's take a look '''at''' ''Inside''.  And that's going straight on to my list of game titles that are needlessly awkward to Google, alongside ''Fuse'' and ''Wet'' and ''Dead or Alive Xtreme 3'', which is very awkward to Google if your girlfriend ever looks at your search history.  ''Inside'' opens with a small child lost in a dark forest, and you are given the implied instruction to keep moving right until something tells you to stop.  Nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, of course, but one could be forgiven for thinking at first glance that Playdead Studios have merely slapped a sporty red top on to the protagonist of ''Limbo'' and left it at that.  It's an atmospheric puzzle/platformer of the child-lost-in-scary-world genre that remains even after all these years the fast track to indie acclaim.  You have a &quot;jump&quot; button, and a &quot;pull things&quot; button, and you will die like a ''Game of Thrones'' supporting actor demanding a salary increase.  But while the similarity to ''Limbo'' remains stark, things feel a little different when you start getting chased by dogs and scary men with flashlights, and we discover there's slightly more of a plot going on inside...  I mean '''in''' ''Ins...''  Oh, fuck it! I'm just going to call it &quot;Thatcher's Britain&quot; from now on, all right?
* ...So it's a perfectly sound idea to try the recipe again with maybe one less cup of diarrhea and one more cup of ''God of War''.  And so, in ''Shadow of The Beast'', we are the titular beast who resembles a purple dude wearing a Pokémon on his head.  We were created as a living weapon by an evil sorcerer, we break free of their control, and proceed to murder our way through the sorcerer's minions to take up our list of grievances with the big baddie.  So far, so good.  Or rather, so far so ''God.  Of War''.  Where the game tries to evoke the game that inspired it is in the combat, which is very much in the spirit of, &quot;Keep pressing the 'punch' button.&quot;  Enemies approach in single file from in front and back, and most of them can be instant-killed with one hit.  What's the word for this strange feeling inside me, this cozy feeling of warmth and familiarity, that makes me feel like I'm in precisely the place where I'm most comfortable?  Oh! I remember:  '''Hatred.'''  I '''hate''' this combat system.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116903-Inside-Shadow-of-the-Beast]

=== [[w:The Technomancer|The Technomancer]] ===
* Once the graduation's over, Zach starts work as a peace officer working with the evil ruling authority. So while I was at that point about as engaged as a dad chaperoning his daughter to a One Direction concert, I figured I was obliged to at least play as far as the bit where we get framed and the sinister authority turns against us, which anyone with the majority of their brain still inside their skull could see coming. Any game in which you start as a member of a sinister authority who interacts with poor people and suspiciously attractive revolutionaries will almost certainly contrive you to be no longer a member of the sinister authority before the second act, with the exception of modern warfare shooters, where you usually stay in the sinister authority and French-kiss assault rifles for six hours. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116908-The-Technomancer]

=== [[w:I Am Setsuna|I Am Setsuna]] ===
* I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to one of the user-defined tags that was attached to this game on Steam: &quot;Story Rich.&quot; I take slight issue with it, because you don't get &quot;Story Rich&quot; just from mugging ''Final Fantasy X'' in an alley-way and nicking their wallet; ''Final Fantasy X'' itself is only story rich in Zimbabwean Dollars. Thankfully, ''I Am Setsuna'' only nicks the pilgrimage plot-device and not the rest of ''Final Fantasy X'''s plot, and the player character, as far as I know, isn't a ghost-footballer from the future.
* Which brings me to the second user tag I want to bring up: &quot;Female Protagonist&quot;, an ''outright stinking lie'' because the player character is a mercenary who becomes Setsuna's guardian. Setsuna's the important one, yes, and you can rearrange the party to put Setsuna in the vanguard if you feel you need a human shield, but it's still the mercenary whose dialogue we choose, when we make the recurring vital decision between agreeing with Setsuna or slightly sarcastically agreeing with Setsuna. Perhaps there's an argument to be made that the playable character needn't necessarily be the protagonist of the story, but if I'm honest I don't want Setsuna to be the protagonist because she's wetter than a fishing trip to Seattle.
* Setsuna's so ''fucking'' sweet and forgiving she gives me ice cream headache, but there's a point where we go beyond naively trusting into the realms of mental handicap; when she insists on you joining her party the only thing she knows about you is that you're a hired killer, specifically hired to kill her. &quot;Oh player-san, I feel so comfortable around your upraised dagger and coppery stench of blood money.&quot;  I made myself laugh again by imagining Setsuna meeting a rabid grizzly bear.  &quot;Oh, I just know there's goodness in your heart, Mr. Tufty.&quot;  ''RAWR!  MAUL! MAUL!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116914-I-Am-Setsuna]

=== [[w:Deus Ex: Mankind Divided|Deus Ex: Mankind Divided]] ===
* In the aftermath of the climax of the previous game, when someone drove all the mechanically augmented humans kill-crazy by doing the equivalent of posting an honest review of the new ''Ghostbusters'' on the Internet, humanity is reeling from the attack and the augmented humans are regarded with fear and suspicion on the off-chance that something might flip the crazy murderer switch again at any moment. So welcome to Episode 2 of the Clumsiest Racism Analogy in All of Speculative Fiction. You can't split humanity into augmented and not-augmented because having oven-hobs instead of nipples is not a trait unique to specific families (unless babies are having their legs snapped off as they emerge from the womb and replaced with shelf brackets) to say nothing of the fact that you can't make the &quot;few bad apples&quot; argument if literally every augmented person went off their hydraulic cyber-trolleys and a certain amount of fear might be justified if no one knows that the insane murderer switch isn't still lying around somewhere for some family dog to accidentally trip while rubbing his ass on the carpet. Hey, remember how in the original ''Deus Ex'' augmented humans were a pretty small minority and no one made much of a fuss about them because hey, turns out a bloke with JCBs lodged in his armpits is a useful thing to have in peace-keeping force or when some furniture needs assembling and that most of the conflict in the setting of that game was rooted in the divide between rich and poor and insidious population control orchestrated by corporate interests and the media? &quot;Oh, no! Such themes would be completely irrelevant in the current climate, especially since triple-A game publishers haven't finished paying all the installments on their nuclear-equipped supervillain bunker on the moon.  Let's just make it all about the people putting sandwich toasters in their kneecaps.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116928-Deus-Ex-Mankind-Divided]

=== [[w:Metroid Prime: Federation Force|Metroid Prime: Federation Force]] ===
* Who the fuck turns to the 3DS for their online multiplayer-focused games?! I'd nominate a more suitable platform, but my list basically starts with &quot;All of them!&quot;
* I have formulated a theory. From the things we hear in the missing briefings about how Samus Aran has been running around offscreen being the best at everything, ''Federation Force'' feels like ''The Darkness II''-style co-op campaign running in parallel to the plot of the main single player campaign that isn't actually there. So maybe there was an actual Metroid Prime 3DS game being developed at some point that had the shitty multiplayer mode that must exist as part of the game industry's pact with Satan, but resources ran thin and something had to be cut out, so they cut the single player campaign because the crazy-pills salesman came around that morning giving out free samples. And then someone said, &quot;Wait, people will be annoyed about this decision.&quot; And their boss popped another crazy pill and said, &quot;You're right! We'd better put in a soccer mini-game to mollify them. After all, the kind of fanboys who wasted their tender years learning to speedrun Metroid on the slim promise of pixel tittie are also notoriously keen on team sports.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116931-Metroid-Prime-Federation-Force]

=== [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbORw5eXsiM Capcom Five] ===
* [''Resident Evil 4''] alone may well have saved the GameCube, ''if'' it had been an exclusive! But as we all know that turned into a pretty big &quot;if&quot;. So, here's a smaller &quot;if&quot;: Maybe everything would have still been lovely for Nintendo ''if'' Capcom had kept their mouth shut and hadn't announced the PS2 port two months before the GameCube release. Consequently, ''Resident Evil 4'' sold 1.6 million on the GameCube and 2 million on the PS2; what should have been the laying down of a winning hand became the laying of a cruel fist upon the goolies.
* The end result of the Capcom Five was that, what should have been a boost for the GameCube, turned into one broadcast after another that Capcom had zero faith in the console, and Nintendo wouldn't forget. In fact, rumour has it that the whole debacle is why there weren't any Capcom characters in ''Super Smash Bros. Brawl''. And if it's true, then that's the most pathetic attempt at revenge I've ever heard of! It's like telling the bloke who murdered your family and stole all your money that you've expelled him from your best friends' tree-house club. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116940-Capcom-Five]

=== [[w:Mafia III|Mafia III]] ===
* ...The game opens with a very ''Assassin's Creed''-esque disclaimer to the effect of: &quot;A lot of people are going to be saying very horrible racist things in this game, but please understand we had to put all that in to accurately bring the era to life. And when you think about it, not putting it in would've been even more racist. Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way: ''Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, coon, coon, spic!''&quot; I get that the 60's Deep South literally was more cartoonishly bigoted than a 2016 presidential candidate, but having granted themselves the all-clear to say the &quot;N-Word&quot;, I suspect that the writer started slightly getting off on doing so. I'm not one to judge; I'm going to say the word &quot;retard&quot; right now for literally no reason. But don't get all hand-wringingly sanctimonious about it when your game also contains Italian gangsters with tommy-guns who talk like they're never more than three wise-cracks away from bursting into a song from ''Bugsy Malone''!
* By the end of the game, I was struggling to remember why we were supposed to hate the main bad guy.  He killed about 0.01% of the people we've killed and had been running a bunch of naughty crime rackets (which we've proceeded to take over and not change in any way), but he also had an overarching, sinister, diabolical scheme! ...To set up a legitimate business, leave the criminal life behind, and create a future for his children. Oh, hang on, he does say &quot;nigger&quot; once or twice. Well, okay then, say no more: Let's drive his harmless, old ass to suicide to show how much more enlightened we are these days! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116949-Mafia-3]

=== [[w:Battlefield 1|Battlefield 1]] ===
* World War I was a conflict without clear heroes or villains; just millions upon millions of young men being sent to tragic, pointless deaths in the name of nothing but an international game of political bum-bouncing, so there'll need to be a thoughtful, more morally complex approach to the storytelling. &quot;What was that?&quot; cries ''Battlefield 1'' again. &quot;Sorry, we were busy making a story campaign about rugged, English-speaking fancy-boys squinting heroically into the middle distance as they mow down dastardly, jabbering Krauts by the hundreds!&quot; I wouldn't harp, but there's this whole bit in the introduction where an American and a German soldier lock gaze over a field strewn with bodies, and both lower their weapons in recognition of their inner humanity that can never be erased by a system that sees them as naught but expendable cogs; and then, five minutes later, it's back to &quot;Phwor! Massacring expendable cogs sure is fun, 'eh lads?!&quot; Even if you're playing as the German side of the multiplayer, the bloke on the briefing menu talks with zat very smug and efil German foice, ve vill punish zese stoopid Amerikan Kowboys for ze Glory of ze Kaiser! ''Mmmmmm...'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116958-Battlefield-1]

=== [[w:The_Last_Guardian|The Last Guardian]] ===
* Oh man, this is the end of an era.  It's only ''Half-Life 3'' left in the Infinitely Prolonged Sense of Vague Disappointment bucket.  And after that, the industry's going to have to mishandle a whole batch of new long-term projects to tease us with, and that's just not gonna happen until hype for triple-A games becomes worth giving much of a shit about again.  ''The Last Guardian'' was announced '''''nine''''' tongue-spunking years ago.  An entire tonsil-jizzing generation of consoles has passed between it and its predecessor ''[[w:Shadow_of_the_Colossus|Shadow of The Colossus]]''.
* [on final end credits card:] Remember to spay and neuter your giant cryptofauna.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116975-The-Last-Guardian]

=== Top 5 Games of 2016 ===
* I suppose the fact that the very first game I reviewed went straight into the bottom five should have been read as a bad omen for the year, more so than that ''[[w:Killing of Harambe|fucking gorilla]]'', anyway. ''Devil's Third'' was monumentally stupid and apparently designed by a schizophrenic with vibrators for thumbs, but it shall only skate at the edges of the bottom five for at least being weird enough to briefly distract one from, say, a recent bereavement or loss of limb. 
* &quot;[[w:No Man's Sky|No Man's Sky]]&quot;? More like &quot;No ''Game''&quot;! &quot;...That wasn't your strongest attempt at wordplay, Yahtz.&quot; No worries, I'll just patch something better in later. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116977-Top-Five-Games-of-2016]

=== [[w:Let It Die (video game)|Let It Die]] ===
* ''Let It Die'' kicks off with a skateboarding grim reaper wearing funky sunglasses, which is an image that leaps straight off the front cover of The Complete Dullard's Guide to Creativity. See, it's a traditionally grim thing acting in a lively and light-hearted way. That's almost as clever as putting a hat on a dog. &quot;Shit on a midshipman's biscuit! A ''dog'' in a ''hat''?! DOGS DON'T WEAR ''HATS!'' I hope the government are keeping a watchful eye on this dangerous subversive.&quot; 
* The game also assigns more than one command to some buttons like it's passive-aggressively trying to get them married. You throw your current inventory item by touching the trackpad, and eat it by touching the trackpad in a subtly different way. And I'm sure you can imagine there is very little overlap between &quot;Things you want to throw at people&quot; and &quot;Things you want to eat;&quot; the list starts and ends with, &quot;custard pies,&quot; and there aren't a whole lot of custard pies in the Tower of Barbs. You also cycle your inventory by touching the trackpad in a ''third'' subtly different way.  Blimey!  This is like trying to seduce your lady friend in a darkened cinema, and discovering that all along you were fingering her bacon sandwich. 
* After my best character died and I had no continues, I needed to pay in-game money to resurrect him instead, for you see, permadeath is only a thing that poor people have to worry about. But to make that money, I had to grind with my second best avatar. But his stats were lower and I got him killed as well. So I had to grind up with my ''third'' best to bring ''him'' back so I could continue grinding up to bring my best one back. And that's when I knew I had to get out before I got caught in an inescapable vortex of failure. I learned that lesson from the Hillary Clinton campaign.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116981-Let-It-Die]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 4|Dead Rising 4]] ===
* The first thing you need to know is that ''Dead Rising 4'' doesn't have a fixed time limit or mission deadlines.  You remember, that thing that every ''Dead Rising'' has and what makes them interesting, and is as much a part of ''Dead Rising'' as the sense of betrayal is part of getting kicked in the balls by your beloved horse! What it ''does'' have is a linear sequence of missions that will still be waiting for you, even if you sit down in the mud outside and make daisy-chains for eleven hours. You remember, the way ''every bloody'' sandbox game works. ''Dead Rising'' has taken the part of innovation that entails doing the shit that everyone else does; which is innovative in the same sense that the [[w:Grey_goo|grey goo]] scenario is innovative. &quot;Oh, wow! My legs have been harvested by a ravenous, unstoppable nano-swarm! This will add an intriguing new twist to the upcoming line-dancing tournament!&quot; I shouldn't have to explain that the time limits were there to add a unique challenge! Yes, it could occasionally get in the way of trying on hilarious barbecue aprons and tricycling down the escalator, but isn't that cathartic fun all the more satisfying when we know we've parceled our time to allow for a quick barbecue apron session in between making progress and not just cocking about?
* Now, doing nothing but comparing ''Dead Rising 4'' to its predecessors would be a stubborn, churlish, and counterproductive thing to do; so let's keep doing it! Hey, remember how the boss-fights with psychos used to be elaborate and interesting with colourful characters and unique attacks? Well, instead of that, now you fight generic dudes in silly outfits with slightly longer health bars. Another wonderful &quot;innovation&quot; to the format! &quot;Oh, look, the grey goo scenario has eaten my arms now as well! What a perfect opportunity to learn how to balance things on my nose!&quot; Alright, fine! ''Dead Rising 4'' introduces a couple of new mechanics.  You can equip powered armour in order to continue doing the same zombie-splattering you've been doing all along, except with slightly more defense. And there are stealth mechanics now, and — ''holy shit'' — I just thought of another word that doesn't belong anywhere near ''Dead Rising!'' Stealth is for characters who ''aren't'' carrying around three dynamite crossbows and a giant, acid-spewing hammer, thank you very much! To me, stealth mode was just a &quot;walk obnoxiously slowly&quot; button that I only ever pressed because I forgot that it wasn't the sprint.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116986-Dead-Rising-4]

=== [[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]] ===
* Our protagonist, Ethan Winters, drives to a scary place in the middle of nowhere because his wife, who's been gone for three years, sends him a message, asking him to— Hey, wait a minute! That's just ''Silent Hill 2!'' Fortunately, RE7 swiftly differentiates itself because, while James Sunderland gets drawn into a masterfully crafted atmosphere of dreadful symbolism, Ethan Winters gets a hand chainsawed off. Well, that's much more expedient! He finds himself at the mercy of a family of psychotic, super-powered Republicans who wants to make Ethan's bodily integrity great again, by sawing more bits off of it. Whoops! Bit political, that; better insult the other side to retain balance! In contrast to previous ''Resident Evil'' protagonists, Ethan is a normal dude with all the fighting skill of a Democratic Party election campaign. Although, having said that, he bounces back from traumatic injuries remarkably quick. Stuff gets shoved through his hand so often, he should start using the hole to store his biros and business cards.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116995-Resident-Evil-7]

=== [[w:For Honor|For Honor]] ===
* Ah, the time-honoured playground game of &quot;Who-Would-Win-in-a-Fight-Between...&quot; So many youthful friendships abandoned to hair-pulling dirt wrestles over whether or not the Enterprise-D could take the Death Star in a straight fight. And then those same kids grow up nursing resentments, become video game developers, and create things like ''[[w:Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe|Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe]]'', in which we learn that, yes, Sub-Zero could beat up Superman, if they're in an incredibly-contrived situation that makes things remotely fair and if Superman is being controlled by your mum. Or they create those pseudo-science TV shows like ''[[w:Deadliest Warrior|Deadliest Warrior]]'', in which we learn that, yes, obviously a ninja would win against a pirate, because a ninja is a trained assassin and a pirate is a drunk sailor with an at-best slightly intimidating beard.
* And it's the spirit of ''Deadliest Warrior'' that brings us Ubisoft's latest multiplayer-focused Skinner box, ''Foreigner'', so called because it's about how people of different races and creeds will never ''ever'' get along under ''any'' circumstances. Specifically, it concerns a permanent three-way conflict between medieval knights, medieval Vikings, and, uh... Japanese samurai, which, from a geographical perspective, is kind of like King Leonidas and the 300 Spartans showing up to join in the Falklands Conflict; whatever, it's a fantasy. Three communities of knights, Vikings, and samurai all live within five minutes' drive of each other, and they smack the shit out of their neighbours all day because it's easier than learning the Norwegian for &quot;Stop kicking your ball over my fence!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117004-For-Honor]

=== [[w:Horizon Zero Dawn|Horizon Zero Dawn]] ===
* ''Horizy Zozy Dozy'' is the game you're probably more familiar with as, &quot;That thing with robot dinosaurs and [[w:Brave (2012 film)|the archer girl from that one Disney film]].&quot;  In a post-post-post-apocalyptic future, really weirdly ethnically diverse tribes of future humanity live a subsistence lifestyle in the overgrown ruins of their forebears, and all knowledge of their history has become shrouded in myth. There are also robot dinosaurs for some reason. Although all of this does get eventually explained by the main plot, including the weirdly ethnically diverse thing. There was definitely a lot of thought put into the story of this one, which is gratifying. I do slightly get the sense that the explanation for robot dinosaurs was rather blatantly working backwards from, &quot;Let's have robot dinosaurs, because they kick arse!&quot; but I'm not complaining!
* ''...Horizontal Morning'' doesn't have very many original ideas in its head, but it admirably takes time out to justify the tropes it falls back on — like how it's subtly established that Aloy growing up as a shunned outcast is why she does the usual solo protagonist thing of constantly mumbling exposition to herself, like the homeless nutter she technically ''is!''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117015-Horizon-Zero-Dawn]

=== [[w:Nier: Automata|Nier: Automata]] ===
* The first ''Nier'' pulled the old ''Planet of the Apes'' gambit, where the fantasy world turns out to be the post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, and now ''Nier: Automata'' is set even further into the future, when things have come back around to being sci-fi again. The main characters are human-like androids fighting a seemingly endless war to retake the ruined Earth from an army of primitive but highly numerous machines that all seem to be modelled on women's sanitary products. The androids are doing this on behalf of humanity, whom we never see, but we're assured they're all living on a secret colony on the Moon that we can't go to and from which we only hear general announcements that all sound suspiciously pre-recorded. Doesn't quite take Alfred Hitchcock to see where that's going, does it? But ere you smite me with downvotes for the looseness of my spoiler-riddled tongue, the game's not actually ''about that.''  What it's about is the purpose of being, and what it is that separates a machine from a human, anyway. The story begins when some of the machines start to display human-like behaviour and emotions, in contrast to the androids, who were instructed to remain emotionless, despite having been programmed with emotions, possibly as a prank.
* ...The main character of this game about existentialism is 2B — 2B as in, &quot;Or not to be,&quot; you see; it's not just a kind of pencil.  2B is one of several mostly identical female android warriors (or &quot;gynoid&quot; warriors; thank you, pedantry corner) who fight the machines with katanas and robot suits and dress up in french maid outfits.  Thank Christ for that! I might have forgotten this was a Japanese game for two seconds and stopped loading my mouth with Pocky.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117019-Nier-Automata]

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands|Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands]] ===
* I knew [''Ghost Recon Wildlands''] was yet another Ubisoft Sandbox Game, and therefore another round of blandly visiting icons on maps like an overworked Uber driver, but I didn't expect it to be ''the'' Ubisoft Sandbox Game; the ultimate archetype at long last.
* ''Ghost Recon Wildlands'' is a sandbox-shooter reminiscent of— Oh, blimey, that rabbit hole never ends! It might be quicker to list the games ''Ghost Recon Wildlands isn't'' reminiscent of. Well, it's not in the least bit like ''[[w:Jet Set Willy|Jet Set Willy]]'', because at no point do you have to travel down a toilet, except in, you know, the metaphorical sense. The first comparison that comes to mind is ''The Division'', as both are flying the &quot;Tom Clancy&quot; flag and between the two we now have quite an insight into Tom Clancy's view of the world; or rather the view of the world of whatever creative director is currently holding up Tom Clancy's disinterred head on a stick. The message is: &quot;Have another cheeseburger, complacent subjects, for the government has secretly inserted packs of trained killers into all the world's populations, and the moment our way of life is kinda, sorta, indirectly threatened they are ready to step up and start shooting the disenfranchised.&quot; Meanwhile, in the real world, the government can barely manage [[w:Lewinsky scandal|secretly inserting the President's knob into an intern]]! But I digress.

=== [[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]] ===
* And so in the spirit of exploration, our hero travels to strange new worlds, seeks out new civilizations, and offers to do their laundry. Let me ask you something: if an alien came down from space and walked among us as ambassador to beyond the furthest stars, would it ever occur to you to call him over and ask if he wouldn't mind bobbing down the shops to run you a couple of errands? Maybe that's partly why BioWare games always speed down the uncanny valley like a herd of autistic wildebeest. It's not just that all the characters look and act like department store dummies with snap-on plastic hairdos; the game feels like it was written by one, as well. Ryder finds himself thrust into the role of head pioneer and the promotion requires him to have part of his brain cut out and an AI put in that talks to him inside his head, does all the difficult adding up, and occasionally fucks around with his bodily functions. He takes this in his stride and reacts with bemusement when other people think that that's slightly fucked up. It does all rather come across as a plot written by someone who learned about human emotion from children's pop-up books.
* The core gameplay of an RPG can also be character building: Making your character fit a ''role'', a ''role'' that you are ''playing'', as it were. But just about the only prior Mass Effect mechanic that has been slung in the bin is all that Paragon/Renegade business, and now, whether we respond to each dialogue with wit, with intelligence, with aggression, or like we've pounded ourselves between the eyes with a mixture of Botox and horse tranquillizer (trick question; that's ''every'' response) doesn't seem to matter one chafed mosquito nipple.
* After the last game was popularly considered to have a worse conclusion than the fucking 1930's, I felt duty-bound to power through the story end in the limited time I had available; the result was a rather tepid &quot;The Adventure Continues!&quot; affair, but what's important is that, having skipped a large degree of the side stuff, there were three entire planet sandboxes I hadn't so much as set foot in! So what the hell is all this tedious side-bollocks for if I can do in the final boss perfectly comfortably without it?! To see the grateful looks on the quest-givers' faces? It's a BioWare game! They'd make the same face if I pissed on their shoes!

=== [[w:Yooka-Laylee|Yooka-Laylee]]  ===
* Twenty years ago, before real life started to feel like a late-night sitcom that got all renewed past the point any of the writers gave a shit about it and is now seeing what it can get away with, there existed the &quot;mascot platformer&quot;, a staple of that weird transitionary period between 2D and 3D graphics when we hadn't quite internalized the fact that platforming is enhanced by 3D gameplay the same way bobbing for apples is enhanced when you've got a bear trap stuck on your head, and when most protagonists were big-headed cartoon mascots because the attempts at realistic characters looked like used toilet paper origami. A more innocent time; certainly a more colourful time before graphics improved and every protagonist became a short, brown-haired, white, middle-class dude, which would only serve as a mascot for the Kansas City Dullards.

=== [[w:Persona 5|Persona 5]] ===
* The secondary portion of the game, the high school life simulator bit, will also infuriate the psychotic completionists, because you've got five stats to keep digging over and you've got all these friends and party members you need to spend time with to improve your Personas in their combat skills. But the rub is that most of your limited number of days only have two time slots, daytime and evening, and you can only do one thing in each slot. Can't leave with more than one friend at a time or just for an hour at lunch, no, because apparently, we exclusively befriend insecure twerps who couldn't be any needier if they were in a permanent vegetative state. And the game's also a little unintuitive about what constitutes time slot-filling activity; you can get the metro to the pawn shop, flog a bunch of loot from the last dungeon, take another metro to the bookshop in the red light district to buy a copy of ''Razzle'', and no time will pass at all. But sit down at your desk to craft one fucking lock pick and there goes the fucking afternoon! And then sometimes the game goes into a prolonged story phase and several days and cutscenes will go by with no opportunity to do anything else, so if you've got rented DVDs due back, then you can piss up a chimney, Joe Titwank.
* There's a comparison to be made with ''Mass Effect'' here — both games are about forming a Scooby Gang — but I like the ''Persona 5'' Scooby Gang members because they're underdogs, they don't open up to you straight away, and they're expressive. They're ''not'' alleged Sci-Fi super-soldiers with the combat skills of a dead salmon, they don't blurt their entire character and backstory at you because you asked them to pass the salt, and they don't emote like the same dead salmon experiencing PTSD flashbacks.

=== [[w:Outlast 2|Outlast 2]] ===
* You are ace cameraman Blake Something-or-other, who comes with his wife to hillbilly murderer country to cover a story, and makes the rookie error of showing up in a helicopter, which, in video game intro sequences, hold together like a Jammie Dodger in the back pocket of a pair of jogging bottoms. So the inevitable happens, and he's got to rescue his wife from both a Christian death cult and a Pagan death cult that appear to be at odds, but seem to find plenty of common ground when it comes to doing horrible, horrible things to Blake's gormless ass. Again, maybe ''Resident Evil 7'' ruined this with all that chainsaw-based overzealous manicure business, because I swear, ''Outlast 2'' is trying to break the &quot;horrible, inescapable torture in first-person&quot; record. Fucking hell, it's like ''The Passion of the Christ: VR Edition''!

=== [[w:Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3|Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3]] ===
* The game opens with a flashback to two brothers.  The older: Brash, confident, and already enrolled in the military — the younger: more shy and troubled, and looking to the older with hero worship. Now, if you think you've guessed which of these brothers will be our underdog protagonist, then you've been misled by your basic storytelling instincts, ''you big stupid cunt''. No, the protagonist is the ''older'' brother! And after jumping gleefully over about fifteen years of character development, we suddenly cut to the brothers on a mission to ghost warrior the bollocks off some fools, which ends with the younger brother being captured by some global supervillain group or other. We then jump forward again two years — what is this; the fucking summer Olympics? — when our hero, Mister North...  I've honestly forgotten his first name; it was either &quot;Jon&quot; or &quot;Rob&quot;, so lets just call him... &quot;[[w:Oliver North|Oliver]]&quot; — is deployed to Georgia searching for his brother, and finds himself up against a mysterious masked sniper conducting a reign of terror. Oh, goshington ballbags, I wonder who that'll turn out to be! Who will be behind that mask when we confront this person who snipes almost as well as we do, and seems to be interested in us personally? Will it be [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|Whoopi Goldberg]]? Or [[w:Cardinal Richelieu|Cardinal Richelieu]]? Charlie the Chipshop Man? Ooh, maybe it'll be the competent story writer who disappeared right before the game began!
* &quot;Hang on, Yahtzee! If the protagonist turned out to be a different brother than who you expected, that's a subversion of expectations! Isn't that a good thing?&quot; It might have been, if the brother we got left with hadn't been an insufferable tosspot. I think his in-game character profile says it best: &quot;North is a firm believer in America's role as World Police.&quot; Wait, ''what?!'' So our protagonist watched that ''[[w:Team America: World Police|Team America]]'' film, and didn't realize it was a ''satire?''

=== [[w:Prey (2017 video game)|Prey]] ===
* I wonder how far they're willing to push this.  I'm already having to call the sequel police every time they reboot an old game and not change the title, and now look: The first game to be named &quot;''Prey''&quot; isn't particularly old and, more to the point, is somewhere on the low end of &quot;bugger all&quot; to do with this new game called &quot;''Prey''&quot;. Watch it, Bethesda! This is the kind of bullshit that brings down the sequel feds! Alright, both games are about alien invasions, but by that logic it might as well have been called &quot;''Space Invaders: Episode 973''&quot;. This really goes to show how utterly allergic these bean-counting, creatively bankrupt loaves of chunky shite are to new ideas; they had a perfectly acceptable original IP, and still felt the need to slap whatever pre-existing name they could find clinging to the side of the rubbish chute.

=== [[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]] ===
* I think it is fair to say that the DC Comics Universe and its various adaptations could stand to take itself a touch less seriously. &quot;Oh, it is easy to be an armchair cinematographer, isn't it?&quot; snarks Johnny DC in reply. &quot;You try getting in a cheery mood when your films need to break 400 million on opening weekend or your executives will have to take a pay cut and cause the collapse of the local pool-cleaning industry!&quot; I'm just saying, Johnny DC, that Superman and Batman crying in the rain, smashing each other's faces in, and talking like pro-wrestlers with mouths full of cat-litter, might be drifting somewhat from the essence of those characters. That is to say; power fantasies for little boys  who don't want to tidy their rooms.
* Still, as I believe I said last time, the one-on-one fighting game and the superhero comics universe are a natural combo, as both are concerned with larger-than-life characters beating the snot out of each other for one incredibly contrived reason after another. The broad incredibly contrived reason running through the ''Injustice'' property is a falling-out between Batman and Superman over whether or not killing people is good. Batman takes the position that killing is the uncrossable line where all negotiation breaks down and vigilance gives way to tyranny, where Superman takes the position that &quot;Wah, wah! I'm really sad and cross and I'm not gonna tidy my room, so there!&quot;

=== [[w:The Surge (video game)|The Surge]] ===
* You see, what follows the prologue is a cinematic in which Warren gets all his new fancy cyber-bits drilled into his flesh, except they forgot the anesthetic, and he's awake and screaming the whole way through, as the camera zooms gratuitously in on the blood squirting out of his new shoulder-mounted shelf bracket. It's quite harrowing, and I'm not even sure what the point of it is. I'm sorry, ''The Surge''; perhaps there's been a misunderstanding. I came here for some exciting sci-fi action, but you seem to be showing me cripple torture porn. &quot;Alright, fine! Begrudge us a little fun. Bam! Now you're in a junk yard fighting robots. Go!&quot; It's that abrupt! Maybe if Warren had interacted with another human being during the wheelchair prologue segment, we could have gotten a handle on some context. As it stands, for all we know, the torture porn cinematic and everything following could just be some kind of &quot;How Not to Do It&quot; occupational health and safety video they're making Warren watch. But this is another callback to ''Lords of the Fallen'', isn't it, which also began with a pre-rendered intro cinematic that was largely cock-all to do with the rest of the game. So I guess this is Deck13's design philosophy: &quot;Hey, do you mind watching this video we threw together for a laugh while we finish nailing bread-bins and bits of old pipe to the main character's armour?&quot;
* I've said this before, third-person games:  Leave the right analog stick alone to its happy little world of controlling the camera.  You force it out of its comfort zone, and it's just gonna piss on the bus seat and ruin the whole field trip.  None of this was enough to bring out that hate I mentioned earlier.  Frustration, yes, but frustration doesn't stop me from playing.  It just means I'll need two Diazepam and a wank once I'm done.  The hate only came when I was taking on the third boss.  It's a big industrial machine with about nine things on it trying to kill you; fair enough.  But for some turbo-cocking reason, every time you attack one, the game auto-targets it, leaving you staring blissfully into its eyes as its eight friends are winding up attacks where you can't see.  Get past that, and I can start attacking the core.  But if you target it...  Fucking switches to a fixed camera, so I can barely see what I'm doing!  What's got in to you, camera!?  Is this about the pissing-on-the-bus-seat comment?  Finally, after much frustration and about nine hundred attempts, I've gotten the core on the ropes and I'm moments from landing the final blow, whereupon I glitched through the floor and fall to my death.  '''No!'''  That's too much.  That's gone right over the Tropic of Fuckabout on a JetSki full of dicks.  I'm ''done!''  Fuck ''The Surge'', fuck Deck13, fuck anyone who likes it.  Blimey, that's filled my schedule out for the week.

=== E3 2017 ===
* In hardware news, Microsoft have updated Project Scorpio with a somehow even worse name: the Xbox One X. There's already two X's in &quot;Xbox&quot;, you dozy gits; this name is starting to look like a defaced game of tic-tac-toe. And I feel bringing it out alongside the Xbox One S is practically inviting the &quot;confused elderly relative on Christmas morning&quot; nightmare scenario.
* Old Man Nintendo had a better showing, although that &quot;Mario vs. Rabbids&quot; game makes you wonder if Ubisoft is trying to steal their pension checks. Fair play to them; ''Mario Odyssey'' needed a new angle, and it found one: they've done &quot;Mario becomes a raccoon&quot;, and they've done &quot;Mario becomes a cat&quot;, but they've never done &quot;Mario becomes a tunnelling brain parasite&quot;. What is it about ''Mario Odyssey'' that screams ''Sonic 2006'' at me? Must be the cartoon characters interacting with realistically-proportioned humans, which is always faintly sinister, like Christopher Lloyd's scenes in ''Who Framed Roger Rabbit''.

=== [[w:Strafe_(video_game)|Strafe]] ===
* It's a deliberate edification of retro-style game-play with a subtext of nudge-wink, self-aware irony, and it's published by Devolver Digital because ''of course it is''! Even if it had tried to get published by something else DD would have burst in the window dressed as a highwayman and kidnapped it, because this is very much DD's shit. Devolver Digital breakfast every morning on a bowl of pixels and a tall glass of the piss it took out of something. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117115-Yahtzee-Strafe-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== [[w:Get_Even_(video_game)|Get Even]] ===
* ''Get Even'' is an odd mish-mash of elements, the kind of game that can only be described with a sentence beginning with the words, &quot;Sort of,&quot; and ending with the word, &quot;thing.&quot;  As in:  ''Sort of'' stealth action-adventure ''thing.''  Or, ''sort of'' sci-fi psychological thriller ''thing.''  Or, I ''sort of'' pulled my trousers down to show you my ''thing.''  The protagonist is named — and you might want to hold a fishing net in front of you or something because, when you hear this, your eyes might just roll out of your head — '''Cole Black.'''  He's a grizzled mercenary type bloke who sounds a bit like Sean Bean making out with a fat angry dog.  He spectacularly ''fails'' to stop a teenage girl getting blown to bits and then wakes up in an abandoned asylum.  (The world of videogames probably has special &quot;Sorry to hear you woke up in an abandoned asylum&quot; greetings cards; it happens so bloody often!)  With the help of a mysterious voice, Cole must use a third-party VR helmet to explore his own buried memories and piece together the events leading up to him ''not'' saving a teenage girl from being blown to bits.
* Oh yes, and then a prisoner begs me to release him.  And a bit of text comes up to none-too-subtly inform me that My Actions Will Have Consequences.  Of course they will!  Walking across a room has consequences — the consequence is that I'm on the other side of the fucking room!

=== [[w:Hollow_Knight|Hollow Knight]] and [[w:Dead_Cells|Dead Cells]] ===
* Not only is ''Dead Cells'' in pixel art — which is slightly gross already, 'cause it makes everyone look like they've been fed through a chipping machine and reassembled — but the main character is a lump of snot on a corpse, which is what I call admirable commitment to the grossness doctrine.  Well done, ''Dead Cells!''  Please don't touch me.
* ''Dead Cells'', if anything, seems to be trying to ''discourage'' meticulous exploration.  There are doors to extra bonus areas that lock if you don't get to them fast enough.  &quot;Fuck you, door!  Of course I couldn't get here in under three minutes.  I passed by six tunnels on the way here and had to be extra certain that they all contained flashing red-clawed death!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash_Bandicoot_N._Sane_Trilogy|Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy]] ===
* Perhaps the relevant question is not how accurately the N. Sane Trilogy recreates the Crash Bandicoots of yore, but how well the Crash Bandicoots of yore hold up in this modern, spoiled age of quick-saves, auto-aiming, and online wikis providing access to an entire global network of big brothers to get past the hard bits for ya. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117126-Yahtzee-Crash-Bandicoot-N-Sane-Trilogy-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== Fifth Console Generation ===
* The N64 had the power, the IP, and the good reputation; there was just one tiny little massive cargo container full of bat smegma sitting on the N64 railroad tracks, and it had the word &quot;cartridges&quot; along the side. Cartridges did have merits. They load fast and are sturdy enough to still work after you smack your brother with it for asking for their turn, but the same is true of an articulated truck, and you wouldn't pick up your dinner date in one. The age of the CD-ROM had come, which may well have been slower to load and stopped working if you used them as improvised weaponry. But in comparison, developing for cartridge was like chiseling the ones and zeros onto stone tablets, and third-party developers were turned off. Ultimately the third-party developers would be the king makers of this generation. Capcom gave their old pals Nintendo the cold shoulder and showed up to the Playstation's birthday party with ''Resident Evil''. Squaresoft batted away Nintendo's attempt to hold hands so it could go behind the bikesheds with Sony and show them their knickers, aka ''Final Fantasy VII''.
* ...There were many factors leading to the Saturn's failure. Some blame the cancellation of its one and only Sonic game, ''Sonic X-treme'', which would have been the 3D Sonic to counter ''Mario 64''. And yes, I think it's a shame we didn't discover early on that Sonic and 3D meet the way the German invading infantry met the Siberian winter. Perhaps a lot of later unpleasantness could have been avoided. But if you asked me, banking on a console mascot is playing the game by old rules that the fifth generation was in the process of rewriting. Mascots were part of the world left behind, the one that would be compressed down into a little, comfortable nostalgic ball that Nintendo would wear on its head for the rest of fucking eternity, like a space helmet full of gummy bears.

=== [[w:Pyre (video game)|Pyre]] ===
* Buckle up while I attempt to explain this: In an oppressive fantasy kingdom, literacy is banned, perhaps the most sensible response to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey books, you (by which I mean the player character, not the greasy, unpleasant, serial masturbator watching this) are a scholar exiled to the wilderness below the civilized world who hooks up with a group of fellow exiles that need you to read a book they found that tells them about the secret rituals that have the power to free them from exile. For some reason, it turns out the rituals all involve going up against a similar group and competing to throw a ball into the other team's hole. If it seems like a rather contrived explanation for the three-on-three basketball thing, that's because ''it bloody well is!'' Oh, yes, and during your odyssey-cum-basketball tournament, you attract several more party members, each representing one of the sentient fantasy races in a case of what we academics call the traditional &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;. 
* I wonder what the fucking target audience for this game could be. The overlap between people who like fantasy visual novels and people who like NBA Jam can't be the biggest niche in the world, but I stuck with it and after playing it all the way to the end, I think I'm prepared to say I like ''Pyre''. Obviously I dropped the basketball difficulty to low 'cos obviously who gives a shit, but I should have remembered that Supergiant Games are pretty good at this whole interactive storytelling lark, and scratch my scrawny scrotum if I didn't genuinely didn't want to see what happened to these characters! We call it the &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;, but between this and ''Persona 5'', Bioware seem to be the worst at it. Again, I liked the Pyre Platter more than the Mass Effect Andromeda Burger King Kids Club, in spite of them only being still images that didn't make any effort to emote — or possibly because of.

=== [[w:Splatoon 2|Splatoon 2]] ===
* As before there is a single player campaign, which looks like it was hitting all the same notes: hub-world, collect local equivalent of ''Mario'' star at the end of each level, profound sense of suffocatingly tedious repetition by the odd do-things-three-times boss-fight. I think it was the first boss that killed any interested I had in seeing the campaign through; it was a giant killer bakers oven containing murderous bread with angry eyes. I just don't see what it has to do with any of the established themes of the game, those being: ocean-going lifeforms and a slightly desperate air of 90's coolness. Octopi do not bake bread, nor could one picture Tony Hawk doing it. This, Nintendo, is why we don't design boss-fights right before lunch!

=== [[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice]] ===
* What does work pretty well is the whole mechanic where a door won't open until you find a rune in the nearby environment by standing in a specific spot and looking at, say, a tree, a fencepost, and the post-mortem erection of a staggeringly well-endowed corpse so that they line up into a rune shape,  That's a very fitting gameplay mechanic for the theme, because that's basically a sign of paranoia -- interpreting secret meanings and significance where none may truly exist, like when you hear a dog barking and take it as an instruction to gun down your neighbors (presumably given in a Scooby-Doo voice).
* I died a bunch of other times, and actually came worryingly close to the limit.  But that was from a very annoying section where you have to run from light to light, because hanging around in the dark too long makes you die of...  erm...  being extra-insane, somehow.  Which is just as irritating a mechanic as it was when ''Metroid Prime 2'' did it.  I had no idea mental stability was solar-powered.

=== [[w:Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle|Mario + Rabbids]] ===
* Nintendo, what the steaming cross-eyed fuck is this? I'm still trying to get my head around it. A crossover between ''Mario'' and ''Raving Rabbids'' using turn-based ''X-COM'' style combat? What is this, a fucking Mad Lib? Or did someone lose a bet? If only you'd won the beer pong tournament at the last game dev party, Sony would have had to develop a city management sim starring Crash Bandicoot and Pyramid Head. Look, I'm not ragging on you for doing something unexpected; I applaud that! If you only ever gave people what they asked for, every game would be an identical fucking multiplayer hero shooter with a range of unlockable nipple-tassels. But when you set out to partner up with Ubisoft, was ''Raving Rabbids'' honestly the best option to crossover with ''Mario''? I mean the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is also frequently based around jumping on people and already has a bunch of comedy Italians in it. Tell me you couldn't picture it; Mario in a little Assassin-robe, jamming a wrist-spike in an unsuspecting Koopa-Troopa to make coins fly out?
* There are eight playable squad members; Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi and Rabbid equivalents of each, and only three to a squad, so what if the player only uses Mario, Luigi and Peach the whole game? It wouldn't be Mario and Rabbids at ''all'' then, it would just be Mario murdering Rabbids, and we've been skating on thin ice with the racism thing ever since we gave Mario an outrageous comedy Italian accent. So the game flat out forces you to put at least one Rabbid character in your party. No explanation is offered, the game just greys out all the home-team Mushroom Kingdom lads if you've already got two, so if you want to team Luigi's long-range focus with Peach's short-range superiority, then you can eat feces fettuccine, my friend! This might be the first example of a gameplay mechanic introduced solely for the sake of the contractual obligations of its characters.

=== [[w:Destiny 2|Destiny 2]] ===
* ''Destiny 2'' has quite a long Pissabout Deferment Index, or &quot;PDI&quot;, which is the term for the amount of time a free-to-play or Skinner box game gives you to get settled in before it starts pissing you about. It only started when, out of nowhere, the next plot mission required me to grind up two more levels, which wasn't much; I only had to do a couple of side quests, or rather, &quot;adventures&quot;, as they are called here, which I suppose is one way to make them sound interesting. &quot;Ho, traveller! Are you a stalwart enough hero to 'adventure' to a place and shoot the lads?&quot; But then, after the next plot mission, I needed to gain another four levels to proceed, and, yeah, I guess I see what we're doing here now, ''Destiny 2''.
* It was while I was following a series of objective markers in order to get to a place wherein might be found some lads to shoot; I paused about halfway down a corridor to take a break from the sheer roller coaster of excitement the mission was turning into and found myself staring at the wall texture. We were in one of the several hundred ancient alien temples covered in somehow-still-functioning LEDs that Bungie have made across their career and the decor had gone for an intricate pattern of narrow lines and right angles, but then I looked closer and saw there were multiple layers of lines, some in sharper relief than others. I got curious and looked around the entire surrounding area for where the pattern repeated, and I couldn't find it! Every part of the wall seemed to be a unique combination of lines and little glowy lights. Who were you, mysterious wall-texture-designer-person with whom I feel a strange kinship as I gaze upon your work? What ambition spurred you through the years of practice and higher education that brought you to this place? When you dreamed of your artwork being hung upon walls to be viewed by millions, is this precisely what you had in mind? I picture them heading back to their cubicle to touch up another series of functionally-identical-but-slightly-varied wall textures and passing a meeting room where they overhear some designers discussing how best to word the latest iteration of &quot;going to a place and shooting some lads&quot;, whereupon they heave a weary sigh and add another few names to the workplace massacre checklist they know damn well they no longer have the balls to execute.

=== [[w:Metroid:_Samus_Returns|Metroid: Samus Returns]] ===
* The exception, as always, is Nintendo, who do not need to be told that nostalgia pays off, because they already carved that into the forehead of every fucking employee.  It's part of the induction day schedule now, right after biscuits and pointing out the toilets.  Seems they accidentally put their name on [[Zero_Punctuation#Mario_+_Rabbids|something half-way original]] this month, and the balance needed to be redressed.  So they spun the wheel of Nintendo policy, and it landed on, &quot;Remake Old Game.&quot;  Which shouldn't come as a surprise, as that option covers half the bloody wheel, with the other half split between, &quot;Make low-effort unwanted spin-off,&quot; and, &quot;Announce another fucking new console.&quot;

=== [[w:Knack 2|Knack 2]] and [[w:SteamWorld Dig 2|SteamWorld Dig 2]] ===
* Knack, for it is his name, is also an unstoppable fighter and problem-solver with a very good speaking voice whose existence is shrouded in mystery, and yet despite being the player character, he doesn't seem to be the protagonist of the story. That honour goes to a drippy little teenage twat who hangs around with Knack to form a highly effective world-saving partnership: Knack provides the muscle, the intellect, the lucrative royalties from his side-gig recording audiobooks, and the kid provides, err, a nice, flat head for Knack to rest his beer on. And yet the game persistently focuses the story on the little bastard and his problems as he whines about no one taking him seriously; maybe that's something to do with the way he sits on his arse the whole time, letting his bucket of Rubik's Cubes do the work. Essentially, Knack, and by extension, us as the player character, are treated like the family dog, who's let off the leash at the start of each level to run ahead scaring off goblins and German holiday-makers so that the human characters can hang back and scoff all the pork pies, and I can't remember the last time I was so utterly &quot;sewing needle under the fingernail to keep me awake&quot; bored while playing a game. ''The Division'', maybe, but at least ''The Division'' gave me a gun so I could compose satirical haiku on the walls in bullet holes.

=== [[w:Cuphead|Cuphead]] ===
* See, the rub is that ''Cuphead'' is retro-style, but not in the usual sense, i.e., pixels the size of Plymouth; it's deliberately fashioning itself after retro animation, in the style of Max Fleischer or very early Disney, and pulls that off with quite remarkable success! The film grain, the scratchy audio, the big brass band soundtrack, the fluid, exaggerated animation where characters all move like warmed-up gummy worms caught in the spokes of a bike; it all feels so bloody authentic! And most importantly, what a lot of people forget about early cartoons — here, we very unsubtly waggle our eyebrows at ''Epic Mickey'''s forgotten grave-site — is that they could be really fucking dark. See, back then, it wasn't generally understood that kids needed to have their delicate sensibilities protected, as odds were pretty good they were all going to die in a European trench war before they turned eighteen, anyway. So thematically, cartoons were lighter on wholesome lessons about friendship and heavier on skeletons and racism. So there's something overtly sinister about Cuphead, which might be from subtly wrong things like the drinking straw in our character's head — I mean, the teacup-head thing I'd buy, but who the fuck drinks from a teacup with a straw? That's just pushing it. But I think it's the overall scratchy look and feel that makes me think the little girl from ''[[The Ring]]'' could push out of the screen at any moment and start making comical trombone noises.

=== [[w:Hob_(video_game)|Hob]] and [[w:A_Hat_in_Time|A Hat in Time]] ===
* (sotto voce) Okay, Yahtz, you can do this; one more week before the big releases start, and then you can stop pretending anyone gives a shit about indie ga...  '''Oh! Hello there, viewers!'''
* ''Hob'' does do a good job of executing what it sets out to do:  The air of wandering adventure, of secret purpose, of boredom, of exploring the ruins of strongholds and cities once mighty if boring, atmospheric, boring, boring, boringly boring...  Don't misunderstand me, ''Hob''...  &quot;It sounds like you think I'm boring, Yahtz.&quot;  All right, I guess you ''haven't'' misunderstood me, yes!
* So I also downloaded another game later in the week that had some ominous red flags about it called ''A Hat in Time''.  Firstly, the title's ''rubbish''.  &quot;A Hat in Time...  A Hat in Time...&quot;  Just saying the words feels like I'm biting down on the side of a plastic cup.  Also, it's a Kickstarted project that pledges to evoke the spirit of retro 3D platformers, and that rang particular alarm bells which sounded like this:  &quot;''[[w:Yooka-Laylee|YOO-ka-LAY-lee, YOO-ka-LAY-lee]]...''&quot;

=== [[w:The Evil Within 2|The Evil Within 2]] ===
* Last time, my problem with the story was that the world had no physical coherence; you just randomly warped from horrible place to horrible place with no idea of how or if you were getting closer to victory. This complaint appears to have been addressed: it's established that the evil mega-corp has somehow built an entire coherent town in our kid's noggin, but parts of it are being corrupted by psychos. So now we do have a sense that our physical location actually matters, but the plot's still a mess: we establish our main villain, have a boss fight with him, then he goes, &quot;By the way, I'm working for someone else who hasn't been mentioned or established in the slightest, but he's the main villain now. Oh no, I'm dead! Bleh!&quot; Also, the relationship between real and virtual worlds confuses me. Everyone in the virtual world has a body in the real world, right? So why is Sebastian the only one we see in the plug-in room? Why doesn't our contact on the outside just go to the bodies of the troublemakers and stick an ice pick up their nose? We help one bloke escape the virtual world, but how did that work? They escaped, woke up in the real world facility, then politely asked the mega-corporation not to immediately shoot them in the face?

=== [[w:Super Mario Odyssey|Super Mario Odyssey]] ===
* Shortly, Mario is left in the dirt and meets the inevitable magical spirit character that basically acts as glorified mouse-pointer: the star child in ''Mario Galaxy'', the butterfly thing in ''Super Paper Mario'', the Roomba from the Rabbids thing. This time, it's a magic hat, and as has been well-documented of, Mario throws the magic hat at a living thing that isn't already wearing a hat, then Mario parasites their body and overwrites their free will like a ''Cordyceps'' fungus with a slightly racist accent.
* Incidentally, the mayor of City World is Pauline, who may be the same one from ''Donkey Kong'', but I'm not sure they ever directly admit that; probably a hard thing to bring up in casual conversation. &quot;Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but didn't I rescue you from a monkey?&quot; This is the same City World that's populated with realistically-proportioned humans, by the way, which, for me, raises the question of what the fuck Mario is, if not a human like these lads. Some frighteningly malformed species of hairy pygmy?

=== [[w:Wolfenstein_II:_The_New_Colossus|Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus]] ===
* But the stealth is like a blatantly rigged carny game where the cans are glued together and the goldfish have all died, anyway.  It's the shitty kind of stealth where every motherfucker on the map instantly knows your position (and least favorite place to be shot in) because you moved one quarter-inch out of cover to look around and were spotted by someone's hamster.  Thus begins The Cock-Up Cascade, and I hate Cock-Up Cascade, because it feels like being unduly and continuously punished for making one tiny mistake.  The commanders also instantly know where you are, and will continually re-spawn backup until you storm their office and chop all their arms and legs off -- like the exact opposite of the smooth, un-rattled secret agent you ostensibly are.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Origins|Assassin's Creed Origins]] ===
* Triple A games are now merely platforms for blatant attempts to fleece money from colossal dimwits that somehow have financial independence despite not being able to open a tin of beans without losing an eye. And then the publishers will say, &quot;Hey, just because we erected a giant sign saying 'Please jump off this cliff and dash yourselves to death on the jagged rocks below!' doesn't mean you ''have'' to do that!&quot; Granted, but I object to the way most of the game takes place in the shadow of the giant sign, and the rest of it is spent perched astride the giant sign. What I mean is, ''Assassin's Creed Origins'' is one of those Triple A terminal cases where everything seems to have been built around the giant cliff-jumping sign as an afterthought. Firstly, it's got all the usual variables: Character levels and XP, in-game currency, weapon upgrades, crafting items; 'cause of course, the more things you can quantify, the more imaginary prizes you can put in a loot box, the more you can base the gameplay around making numbers bigger and hypnotize the players into wanting a weapon identical to their current weapon except with a whole two numbers bigger more than they want their next ''fucking'' meal! I can't think of what other purpose giving every character a level could possibly have. It's certainly catastrophic for immersion, when anything more than two levels higher than you will just mash you into a fine paste even if you do get a stealth attack on them; one would think a hidden blade to the windpipe would be a pretty decisive argument-ender no matter how many press-ups they did that morning.
* Every now and again, you get to play as Bayek's missus doing ship combat missions, which I find mystifying. Does Ubisoft think we now ''expect Assassin's Creed'' to have ship combat, just because ''Black Flag'' had it and it was a little beacon of joy and light glimmering all too briefly from inside Ubisoft's churning mass? Because I don't want your ship combat if you're just cynically crowbarring it in like a nice ball of glittery tin foil to look at while we're getting sodomized over the recycle bin. 
* Look, I'm not mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''; I'm just disappointed. And bored. Mostly bored. I might have had a better time if the game had let me speed through the story campaign instead of forcing me to grind up dull, repetitive side-quests to reach the minimum level for the next main mission. I don't like the feeling that the game is fighting with me to stop me getting what I want out of it. Actually, maybe I ''am'' mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''! I'm so sick of all this; I'm sick of playing Triple A games that feel like they exist not because a creator had a vision and an idea that excited them, but because quarterly income projections needed to be met. It's like Blackbeard going into stock market fraud; yeah, it's more lucrative, but there's no freedom or adventure, and they won't let you carve tits on the figurehead!

=== [[w:Star Wars Battlefront II (2017 video game)|Star Wars Battlefront II]] ===
* I don't want to dwell on the prevailing loot box controversy because it's been covered to death elsewhere and I'm not a multiplayer guy; I was more pissed off about EA selling ''Battlefront I'' at full price with no single-player campaign and then sticking one in their second, equally full-priced game and expecting forgiveness. But then, this is an increasingly-popular strategy, isn't it? If you've done something shitty, follow it up with an even shittier thing and the first shitty thing will be swiftly forgotten and normalized. Take EA's advice: if you get caught cheating with your wife's sister, double down and fuck her guinea pig, as well.
* We kick off playing as Iden Versio, a commando and true believer for the evil Empire with a name that sounds like a low-market electronics company from Eastern Europe. She flies around the galaxy doing commando shit with her two squad members: Del Meeko, a slightly nerdy bloke with the word &quot;meek&quot; in his name, and Hask, a sneering Imperial blue-eyed boy with the word &quot;ass&quot; in his name. So here are the things we immediately know for absolute certainty will happen: the Empire's going to get its shit pushed in, Versio's going to switch sides, kill Hask in a boss fight at some point, and some ghoulish recreation of Carrie Fisher's corpse will probably call her a &quot;cool dude&quot; and give her a fist bump.
* I'd love to comment on ''Battlefront II'''s ending, but it doesn't seem to have one. You think it's going to have one, and then it just doesn't, but don't worry; a text caption assures us that the story continues in multiplayer. Well, ''fuck me'' for trying! There I was, giving the benefit of the doubt, only for the doubt to be farted on and thrown back in my face! I felt ''sorry'' for you, story campaign! I thought it was a shame you were forced to hang out with your ugly roommate who charges micropayments before they'll do the washing-up; I thought I could take you out by yourself and maybe we could all have a little fun and take our minds off your ugly roommate! Little did I realize he was setting up a fucking threesome!

=== [[w:PlayerUnknown's_Battlegrounds|PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds]] ===
* I mean PUBG, which stands for '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''onanza '''G'''oldmine, the breakout hit multiplayer shooter based somewhat on the concept of ''[[w:Battle_Royale_(film)|Battle Royale]]'', except ''Battle Royale'' didn't involve quite so many people running around in their undepants (not yet, anyway; don't put the idea in their head, you know what Japanese culture's like).  One hundred players are dropped unarmed and helpless into a deserted sandbox map, everyone who owned property in the area apparently thought that a small pile of guns and supplies makes a lovely living room conversation piece, the playing area gradually shrinks over time, and the winner is the last person to get shot, fall to their death, or quit in disgust after listening to the voice chat.  Because another thing PUBG could stand for is '''P'''layers '''U'''nabashedly '''B'''acking '''G'''enocide.  Seriously, the first thing I did was mute that shit 'cause I started my first game and immediately heard someone going, &quot;Niggers, niggers, niggers, niggers,&quot; and I know that sounds like something I'd make up, but I swear they were.  Hell, who needs to interact with the other players, anyway?  I do usually avoid multiplayer games.  After all, I '''P'''ersonally '''U'''nderstate the '''B'''enefits of '''G'''regariousness.  But I'm fine as long as I don't have to socialize and we can just mutely exterminate each other, like when I go to trivia night at the pub.
* And in the year when loot boxes became a symbolic evil right alongside toothbrush mustaches and Ugg boots, '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''urbling '''G'''randma's cosmetic loot boxes are taking a pretty sizable amount of piss -- probably up to waist-deep at least.  After my first boots adventure, I knuckled down and church-camped my way to my second loot box, dreaming of the next fancy cosmetic that would surely make me the belle of the morgue.  And ya know what I got?  A pair a beige trousers.  Great.  This'll be perfect camouflage if the next match takes place in an Ikea showroom.  So I knuckled down again until I got my third loot box which contained a pair of ''white'' trousers.  My fourth, which is about where I resolved to give up playing the loot box market, was -- brace yourselves -- a pair of black trousers.  Well, at least I assembled a complete spectrum of trousers.  Or to put that another way, I '''P'''ainstakingly '''U'''nited a '''B'''ritches '''G'''radient.

=== [[w:Doki Doki Literature Club!|Doki Doki Literature Club!]] ===
* The real turning point comes when the depressed girl commits suicide; that's the definite point of bollock descent into icy water. Although, her depression had been portrayed with a slightly uncomfortable authenticity, so it wasn't creepy in an enjoyable psychological horror kind of way; it was just really fucking sad. It happens regardless of what choices you pick, which, in itself, might be an effective premise for a game about depression: constantly reliving the same few days trying to save her and failing every time because her problems are too deep-seated to be fixed just because you accidentally felt her up on day three.
* But I might as well give it away now, I think the game's already peaked by this point; it's already thrown its skirt up and flashed you its knickers with &quot;Subversion of Dating Sim&quot; written on them, and the game has been given away, so all it can do now is try to psych you out by drifting into the faintly ''lame'' territory of the video game creepypasta. So of course, graphics start fucking up and characters start bleeding from the eyes and doing that thing where their pupils go really small and they smile a bit too widely, which is, of course, anime shorthand for someone being two gratuitous panty shots short of a ''Sailor Moon'' episode. And if anything, this all made me ''less'' creeped out. &quot;Phew, I'm glad you started bleeding from the eyes, 'cause things were getting a bit harrowing back there for a while with all that slightly-too-real depression and suicide business.&quot; And then there was all that anticipation leading up to it, playing the happy-clappy standard Dating Sim shit, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I can relax, because I see we've entered Silly Horror Town. Yeah, you go ahead and stab yourself, missy; couldn't hurt, could it?

=== [[w:The Inpatient|The Inpatient]] and [[w:Doom VFR|Doom VFR]] ===
* ''The Inpatient'' is a prequel of sorts to ''Until Dawn'', that branching-paths slasher movie game from a while back, and so it takes a few moments to remind us at length that our choices will have consequences; for example, if we choose to get bored and stop playing, that will have the consequence of a slightly more enriching afternoon. 
* I'm just going to spoil a lot of ''The Inpatient'', because, trust me, missing out on this one is not going to haunt you to your dying days. The thrust of this and ''Until Dawn'''s premise is that if you eat human flesh, you turn into a wendigo, right, and the main diversion of the plot is whether you turn into a wendigo or your roommate does. Now, in the former, our roommate is absent — presumably 'cos we scoffed down their entire body with French fries and ranch — but I don't get why the roommate becomes a wendigo in the other scenario, because we're self-evidently not eaten; I don't remember looking down at any point and seeing that one of my legs was chewed off. Just a little plot hole, but there's so little plot, one hole turns it into a fucking engagement ring.

=== [[w:Subnautica|Subnautica]] ===
* Lord, save me from all these fucking survival games. (There's an ironic joke in there somewhere.) They always start sensible with combining rock with stick to create stick with rock on the end.  But sooner or later you end up mashing together two mushrooms and a piece of discarded tinfoil to create a magazine-fed 5.56mm Colt AR-15, which you then rub on a small pile of turds for a second to add the optional holographic sights. Still I understand why they appeal. Where most games revolve entirely around the player waiting giggling just over the horizon for you to step into the designated minotaur area so it can leap out and start flinging minotaurs, it's refreshing to play a game whose world feels like it couldn’t give a shit about you, that its environment and life forms could muddle along perfectly well by themselves and which will kill you stone dead if you go twenty minutes without sucking any hydration from the tear ducts of a passing sparrow. Anyway, we've done crafting survival games in most of the standard Mario level biomes -- grasslands, desert, jungle, ice world -- so until they bring out a crafting survival game set in food world where we have to make spears out of Twiglets, here's a crafting survival game set in a ocean level, ''Subnautica.''  You are Rex Handsome, faceless mute space adventurer with the superhuman ability to not go all wrinkly when they stay underwater too long. Sadly he got this power by trading in his ability to prevent spaceships from exploding, and his spaceship explodes over an ocean planet with only three survivors: Him, one escape pod, and the Mars bar in the glove compartment. Now our hero must find a way off the planet, but in the meantime do the usual survival crafting game stuff:  Build a base, find food and water, explore, and remember to breathe every now and again, you dozy git. ''Subnautica'' is the kind of game that probably could have gotten away with procedurally generating the map and having no further plot beyond, &quot;See how long you could last and maybe find yourself a nice crafting project, like building a castle with a fire breathing effigy of The Allman Brothers on the top.&quot;  So I was surprised to see that it ''didn't'' do that. The world map is fixed and astonishingly there's a plot with an actual ending, where you get to leave the planet tearfully waving goodbye to The Allman Brothers as you go. HO, YES! That space ship disaster wasn't just a contrived setup; the massive wreckage is your principal navigation point for the whole game, and your first challenge is figuring out how you're going to loot it while it's on fire and pissing radiation like an incontinent dog from the Bikini atoll.
* ...''Subnautica'' always found a way to worm back into my interest pipes.  I told myself I wasn't going to stick around long enough to want to mess around with the base building element much.  I'd just build one scanning room to show me where the nearest Seven-Elevens are, and that needs power, so solar panel, but wait.  What if I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a disgusting cupcake?  Better have a bio-matter reactor as well, and now we'll need a little terrarium to feed it with...  This is taking a lot of stuff; better add some storage.  Ooo! there's a volcanic vent down there.  I could probably extend the base far enough to build a thermal reactor, and if we're doing that, might as well add some more rooms...  &quot;Hey, Yahtz, you still playing that game?&quot;  '''''WHO DARES TRESPASS UPON FORTRESS OCELOT ALPHA!?'''''

=== [[w:Kingdom Come: Deliverance|Kingdom Come: Deliverance]] ===
* After the death of the beloved Charles IV, his heir, Wenceslaus, of &quot;Good King...&quot; fame, proceeds to, in a very literal sense, fuck things up royally, until his half-brother Sigismund imprisons him and starts smashing up the countryside for giggles. At the outset, none of this means a whole lot to our main character, Henry, a peasant blacksmith's son who's more concerned about the day-to-day doings of a medieval peasant, which is to say, covering himself in shit. There's even a mechanic where certain speech and charisma checks are affected if you show up covered in shit, which is pretty fucking unfair, because it's medieval times, and the only thing that isn't covered in shit is the clouds, and only because no one's built a big enough siege tower.
* I reached a point where I was supposed to join a big raid on a bandit camp with twenty other lads, which took six or seven tries because victory was hinging on all my NPC helpers pulling their weight, and that was like expecting a team of sled dogs to help with your maths homework. But finally, we managed to breach the inner camp and Henry decides he's going to fight the bandit leader by himself, in a fucking Thunderdome. And then, I had to give up on the whole game, because I could barely get one hit in before he wiped the fucking floor with me!  Fuck &quot;realism&quot;! The &quot;realistic&quot; approach would have been to let me lure him out of the fucking Thunderdome and get my sixteen heavily-armed mates to pass him around for sweaty cock-slaps. But nope! Fuck player choice! Fuck your build! It's standard boss fights or into the bin with you!

=== Hunt Down The Freeman ===
* The staggering thing about ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' is not that it exists.  If we had to stop the presses every time someone made a shitty fan game, the presses wouldn't be running long enough to print a fucking Bazooka Joe comic.  The staggering thing is that this is a fan game embellishing Valve's story using Valve's intellectual property being sold for actual money on Valve's own distribution network, and therefore carries an unspoken stamp of ''endorsement,'' despite being truly, madly, ovarian cyst-ingly ''bad'' on every imaginable level, in ways that only bad fan games can be.
* The only reason I wanted to talk about [''Hunt Down The Freeman''] is 'cause of the depressing indictment of modern gaming it creates — not by itself; by Valve's apparent indifference to this waterfall of piss trickling down either side of its legacy's nose.  Twenty years ago, ''Half-Life'' was a focal point in gaming's ongoing development as an artistic narrative medium.  The next few years saw a ''slough'' of titles that combined triple-A game design with genuine emotional story.  But ''what happened'' between then and now?  Why are the games routinely rewarded with triple-A status and income ''exclusively'' loot box-infested live-service '''''bullshit''''' — games designed, not to inspire or stimulate our emotions, but to ''numb'' them and hypnotize us into lab rats mindlessly pawing the button that makes treats come out — while the games created with love and artistic integrity drown beneath waves of bottom-feeders like ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' that tear chunks of rotten flesh from the corpses of Valve's children, as Valve itself, once habitual founders of new ages of narrative gaming, merely waves them on, barely glancing up from their tax paperwork?  What happened to you? ''What happened to '''us?  To the people we were supposed to become?'''''  I don't know, but it's probably safe to blame John Romero.

=== [[w:Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom|Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom]] ===

* Now, I wasn't sure I was going to do this game, because you know what I'm like with JRPGs that aren't called ''EarthBound'' or ''Persona 5'': I'll be rolling my eyes dismissively at the first sign of hairdos that look like they were crafted out of brightly-colored mashed potato by an extremely bored child who can't leave the table. But precisely thirty seconds into the plot, I had a feeling I was going to have to talk about this one, firstly in a review, and then maybe in some kind of inquest into what the fuck Japan has been playing at for the last thirty years or so. So here's how the story starts: the president of the United States is on his way to a summit of the U.N. when the city he's driving through gets hit by a direct nuclear strike. Don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once; this is still ''Ni no Kuni II''. Moments before death, the president is transported to a fantasy world; specifically, to the bedchamber of a little prince boy wearing cat ears. Well, that's one explanation, anyway, but maybe you should save it for the hearing, Mr. President. Also, he gets de-aged about thirty years for no particular reason except it's the law that JRPG protagonists can't look old enough to buy a health potion without getting carded.

=== [[w:Conan Exiles|Conan Exiles]] ===
* I found a nice, quiet spot to set up base camp that was convenient for the river, the local spider cave, and the Rock, Tree, and Bush Emporium and started progressing my way up the tech tree. &quot;Make a stone pickaxe: one bit of wood, five rocks.&quot; Gotcha. &quot;Make a bedroll: one bit of wood, five leaves.&quot; That's done. &quot;Now make a wooden storage box: 100 bits of wood—&quot; Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was a fucking jump! I only wanted a foot locker, not a fucking Regency wardrobe with a complimentary portal to Narnia! &quot;Now let's build a tannery; that'll be 240 rocks—&quot; WHAT?! It's, like, three bits of wood with skin stretched over it! What are the rocks for?! You going to put it on a gravel driveway?! &quot;Well, we're just making sure you get the full intended experience; that is to say, wasting hours of your life banging a rock with another, smaller, pointier bit of rock.&quot;

=== [[w:Detroit: Become Human|Detroit: Become Human]] ===
* David Cage has only one tool in his storytelling arsenal and it is a giant sledgehammer with the word &quot;MELODRAMA!&quot; written down the side. His stories always play out like rampant human misery simulators as written by someone who's never met any human beings. Well, I suppose we know he's met [Elliot] Paige. ''Fucking hell'', do we know that! He probably puts it on his business cards. And just because the story's &quot;depressing&quot; doesn't mean it's &quot;deep&quot; or &quot;complex&quot;. There's a moment in ''Despair: Become Miserable'' where we literally watch an ugly man in a run-down house loudly explain to no one in particular how much he’s going to enjoy beating up his daughter in between puffs on his crack pipe. Half the characters in these games are like one-off villains from ''[[w:The Incredible Hulk (1978 TV series)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' TV series where they had to contrive an excuse for [[w:Bill Bixby|Bill Bixby]] to hulk out every episode, so they chuck a random, inexplicable asshole into the room to smirkingly give him nipple cripples for literally no reason.
* What's sad is that there’s always a great deal of potential in David Cage video games: I look forward to the day when he actually creates one! ''Har Har Har.'' He doesn't make branching-narrative video games, this lad; he makes branching-narratives and then tries to tortuously squeeze a video game into it. I feel like he'd rather be making films. He doesn't appreciate the essential differences between the way an audience engages with a game versus a film. At the very start, we play weird-faced lanky detective android in a hostage situation and we're permitted, and indeed obliged, to bum around the room next to the hostage situation gathering intel on the perp before we confront them. This also gives us the chance to learn a bit about the world we're in, which would've been fine, but as I leafed through a jolly interesting magazine the hostage taker suddenly shot one of the SWAT guys and the game went: &quot;''WHOOPS!'' You bummed around too long! That's going on your permanent record!&quot; I don't get it, David Cage. Did you want me to explore and immerse myself in this world you've created or did you want to maintain psychotic death-grip control of the story's pacing? 'Cos if the latter, then just make a fucking film! Or, perhaps more realistically, a choose-your-own-adventure book. Well, I say he should make a film, but he'd never hack it in films ironically because he's a hack. All his dialogue is clichéd and most of his ideas are nicked. I enjoyed ''[[w:Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]]'' too, David Cage, but you didn't have to enjoy it so ''bloody'' publicly! 
* I'd like to close this review by discussing one of the plot twists. [...] Remember that nanny bot who adopts the human child? Towards the end it turns out the child was also an android all along! Ooh, what a twist! An inadequately explored twist that adds nothing to the characters or story and may even be detrimental to it. I mean, &quot;Can a robot mother truly love a human child?&quot; was a question with some power to it in this context, but, &quot;Can a robot love another robot?&quot; Yes, they can! We ''know'' they can! We've seen like twelve of the buggers doing it already! It's just a twist for the sake of having a twist. In other words, it's a David Cage twist.  Sounds like a dance, doesn't it?  Hey, everybody! Do the David Cage Twist!  Walk stiffly around the room for 10 minutes, then reach for the sky — and fall flat on your face.

=== [[w:Agony_(2018_video_game)|Agony]] ===
* ''Agony'' makes me think that the phrase &quot;psychological horror&quot; is getting bandied around a bit too easily these days.  Psychological horror to me means something with more of an understated creeping dread about it — more &quot;OooOOHoohhh&quot; than &quot;Eughhh!&quot; and ''Agony'' is very much on the &quot;Eughhh!&quot; side of things.  (Yeah, fuckin' [https://i.ytimg.com/vi/mzK35c-tOKs/maxresdefault.jpg transcribe that one], bitch!)
* These basic mechanics aren't terribly well explained, and when I first saw the contextual icon for, &quot;Take bag off head,&quot; I thought it was the icon for, &quot;Push person over.&quot;  And since the person was standing on the edge of a cliff at the time, I was like, &quot;Jeez, there's no need for that kind of pettiness.  This is hell, not a staff meeting at a failing start-up.&quot;  Eventually I figured it out, but I suspect the basic mechanics weren't terribly well explained to most of the developers either.  &quot;We're doing a stealth game?  I always forget what that means.  I guess it means that, if you try to move quickly past the vagina-face monster, then it hears you and bites your face off, but if you carefully move ''slowly'' past it, then it will ''also'' hear you and chew your throat out.&quot;  Um, no, I think you're missing some of the basic principles there, ''Agony...''  &quot;Oh, right, about those 'hiding places.'  I'm pretty sure I know how this works.  You're running away from vagina-mush, you quickly get into a hiding place, then vagina-mush catches up, spots you instantly, and masticates your nipples off.  Wait! I confused myself; what were we talking about?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117203-ZP-Agony]

=== E3 2018 Round-Up ===
* Bethesda stepped up and said, &quot;Who likes prerendered teasers that tell you fuck-all?&quot; ...Nobody. &quot;Well, nobody's going to like this, then!&quot; And we proceeded to learn precisely ''fuck-all'' about ''Elder Scrolls VI'', ''Starfield'', ''Wolfenstein: Youngblood'', and ''DOOM Eternal''. We did get to see an only slightly less informative, painfully scripted ''Rage 2'' video that I would only call &quot;gameplay footage&quot; because &quot;suffocating yawn-fest&quot; takes slightly longer to type. So someone at Bethesda must have said, &quot;We're making sequels to scrotum-pulverizingly good ''DOOM'' and teabag-squeezingly forgetful ''Rage''; which one would people most want to hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, I think that should be obvious!&quot; &quot;Ha ha! Yes, I suppose it is! ...Aw, fuck! Now I'll look stupid if I ask again!&quot;
* My goodness, Microsoft's conference showcased a lot of games! ''Cyberpunk 2077''? ''Just Cause 4''? ''Metro Exodus''? ''Shadow of the Tomb Raider''? Wow, are those ''all'' Xbox-exclusives, Microsoft?! &quot;Um, no, none of those are, but you can play them on Xbox!&quot; Yes, Microsoft, we could ''hypothetically'' do that.
* I suppose I could mention Ubisoft, but that feels like mentioning the colour of the wallpaper; they're always hanging about in the background, putting out their samey sandboxes with the clockwork regularity of an explosively copious period. New ''Assassin's Creed'', right on cue; set in ancient Greece, which makes sense, because the ancient Greeks were really into buggery. But what made me choke on my sherbet was when the bloke narrating the gameplay video said, &quot;For the first time, you will be able to choose between a male and female hero.&quot; YOU ''WHAT?!'' Am I on crazy pills?! ''Assassin's Creed Syndicate did'' that! What is the ''fucking'' point of doing progressive and innovative things if you're just going to pretend they didn't happen two games later and try to score innovation points a second time?! It's ''not'' &quot;progressive&quot; if you're progressing to the place where we ''already fucking are'', genius! I'm genuinely mad about this; I've got no more room to snark about ''Beyond Good and Evil 2'' now, and it's ''Assassin's Creed: Odyssey'''s fault!

=== [[W:Vampyr (video game)|Vampyr]] ===
* I went for the pacifist run because there was a distinct whiff of moral choice-driven story branching about all this, and my instinct is always to shoot for &quot;best&quot; ending, because it's usually the one that feels like an ending and not like I fucked something up. Vampyr may be an exception, however; it really wants to be a story about a broody vampire tortured by the clash between his urge to kill and his duty to heal, but after I didn't kill anyone, it becomes a story about a perfectly nice, if slightly intense, bloke who doesn't get enough Vitamin D. So the, quote, &quot;good ending&quot; was a bit of a damp squib; one of Reid's vampire pals try to get their melodrama on, going, &quot;Ooh, we are nothing more than killers and our blood is cursed!&quot;, and Reid's all like, &quot;Bollocks we are! I haven't killed shit!&quot; &quot;Oh, so you haven't. Never mind, then; let's get McDonald's.&quot; Now, when Reid ''says'' he hasn't killed shit, he is truncating a little; he should have said, &quot;I haven't killed shit, except for the 500,000 vampire hunters I murdered in standard combat.&quot; Yes, this is the rather glaring incongruity of Vampyr; there's something a little bit hollow about Jonathan Reid's quiet nobility and pacifism when he's just had to ''murder'' twelve identical Cockney thugs on the way back from the chemist.

=== [[w:Octopath Traveler|Octopath Traveler]] ===
* What I find iffy about the whole presentation is that I rarely get a sense that my ragtag bunch of anime misfits are actually interacting with each other. The first part of the game, you tour all the home villages, randomly touching people until one goes, &quot;Hello, random group of strangers! I'm about to embark on a very personal quest that will define the rest of my life! Why not tag along?&quot; And that's your new party member, smilingly joining up with a group of what might be cannibalistic serial tax-dodgers, for all they know, accepting that they're going to have to mutely witness the personal bullshit of seven complete strangers before they come back around to sorting out whatever put a hair up their own arse. It's particularly jarring with characters like Primrose, doing the &quot;I am dishonoured and alone and have nothing left in this world but my quest for violent, bloody revenge&quot; bit, never acknowledging the seven colourful dudes in varying stages of adolescence with whom she shares a sleeping bag every night. It's only right at the end of the game that any connection between the eight stories is established; before that, it's eight separate stories rather than a story about eight people. Every time you go through a new chapter of one party member's story, everyone else just disappears up their butthole for the duration of the cutscene. Sometimes, after a cutscene, a little button prompt comes up, and you can teleport the relevant character and one other party member to the Interaction Dimension, where they discuss what just happened, but I don't see why they couldn't have worked that into the scene; made it look like some actual organic relationship-building was going on, not just a spot of post-match commentary like Statler and fucking Waldorf.

=== Chasm and This Is the Police 2 ===
* [''This Is the Police 2''] has pretensions to cinematic storytelling, but, well... Here's my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene. I mean, I mean, this is me doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, right now. I'm doing it now. Can't you see I'm doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, viewers? Viewers? Viewers? Are you listening, viewers? You need to be listening to understand my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene! I think they're going for an ultra-naturalistic dialogue style, but if realism was the intent, it fell flat, because, realistically, if I were stuck in a conversation like this, I'd stick my head in the nearest bread-slicing machine.

=== [[w:Spider-Man_(2018_video_game)|Spider-Man]] ===
* ''Marvel's Spider-Man'' is of course a new sandbox game about Spider-Man, a genre that has seen one exemplar -- ''[[w:Spider-Man_2_(video_game)|Spider-Man 2]]'' on the GameCube -- and a whole load of Spider-Manure since then.  So let's get straight to the big question:  Is ''Disney's Marvel's Spider-Man '' a better Spider-Man game than ''Spider-Man 2?''  The answer is:  Yye-ees...  And that incidentally was my entry for the 2018 Most Subtext in A Single Syllable competition.
* So let me see if I've got this straight, ''Insomniac Games' Disney's Spider-Man:''  You're going to interrupt your high-octane big-balls web-swinging free-roam superhero power fantasy for the sake of some mandatory forced stealth sections playing as a mundane fuck going on a chest-high wall inspection tour.  And you're doing this so that we ''don't'' get bored.
* The exception to the &quot;no origin stories&quot; rule is Doctor Octopus.  He gets origin story for days.  There's like ninety million plot missions where you just hang around the lab so Dr. Octavius can drop another hint and make another weird face to camera, until you're going, &quot;''For fuck's sake!  We know he's going to be Doctor Octopus!!''  Stop arseing about and bolt some Japanese rape tentacles to this motherfucker!&quot;  ''Marvel's Disney's Sony's Insomniac Games' Stan Lee's Steve Ditko's Giant-Size Man-Thing'' achieves that wonderful quality of ''Spider-Man 2'' in which it was just fun and not a little Zen to while away the afternoon randomly swinging through the streets, stumbling on collectibles and little crimes to foil, which may ultimately be enough.  But I feel like saying it's a really good game is like saying the Bible supports the ostracism of homosexuals:  It's true, but only if you cherry-pick bits of it from the piles and piles of other ''stuff.''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117230-Spider-Man]

=== [[w:Dragon Quest XI|Dragon Quest XI]] ===
* The plot [...] is, you are in Generic JRPG Swords and Sorcery Fantasy World, east of Java; you are the last surviving heir of a deposed royal house who was found as a baby and adopted by peasant farmers. There's a weird birthmark on your hand that magic occasionally comes out of, and you grow into a strong, handsome lad with a girl's haircut, so when you come of age, your adoptive parent takes you aside and says, &quot;Look, let's not beat around the bush; you couldn't be more obviously a destined fantasy hero if your high school graduation picture was painted by Boris Vallejo. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any global crisis going on at the moment that would require a destined hero, so why don't you just wander around the countryside for a bit, and destiny will presumably strike at some point?&quot; I'm not being dismissive here; that's literally how we start! You go to the royal castle on the off-chance that a kidnapped princess needs rescuing, but get thrown in the dungeon 'cos the king's played too many Elder Scrolls games and thinks that's just what you do with destined heroes. You break out within minutes, and the plot becomes &quot;go from city to city looking for the person who isn't one of the five or six endlessly-repeated NPC models, recruit them to your party, then do whatever they want to do until the next one comes along&quot;. By this method, we enlist to our cause a toddler, two hotties, an old man, a comedy stereotype of a homosexual, and an actual homosexual, and after the last party member joins, they say, &quot;What do you mean, 'destiny hasn't struck yet'?! All right, let's just gather the six Destiny Balls; that'll wake the fucker up.&quot; I only had three or four days to play the game in, so I was under no illusion that I'd finish the fucking thing, and I dropped out after the third or fourth ball. About twenty hours in, and still no sign of a big villain; couple of &quot;Darth Vaders&quot;, but no &quot;Palpatines&quot;, you know?

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops 4|Call of Duty: Black Ops 4]] ===
* That was when CoD: BlOps 4 laid its knob across my porridge for the first time: &quot;No single-player campaign.&quot; Well, Activision, as Milorad Petrović said in response to the Invasion of Yugoslavia, &quot;...The fuck?!&quot; &quot;We thought you'd be pleased, Yahtz. Every story campaign of every CoD game you've played in years, you've called racist and overblown and taken straight from what insecure NRA members see when they close their eyes and touch themselves; at least we didn't hire Kit Harington this time!&quot; ''Granted'', but having removed the single-player, are you going to charge less for the game? &quot;Ohohoho, Yahtzee! I can see why people say you're a funny guy!&quot; A ''hundred-and-thirty bucks'', the deluxe version costs!?! As the water treatment engineer said of his favourite outflow pipe: &quot;That's taking a lot of piss!&quot;

=== [[w:Return_of_the_Obra_Dinn|Return of the Obra Dinn]] ===
* The premise is you are an insurance investigator -- Whoa! Slow the fuck down, Lucas Pope!  This roller-coaster's off to a hot start! -- and you come aboard a hitherto lost ship that drifted into English waters with its entire crew apparently suffering from a bad case of not there.
* A degree of general knowledge is required to identify people's nationalities, or what a topman does as opposed to a seaman.  If it helps, topmen are generally concerned with the rigging and what goes on above decks, whereas semen is a white liquid that comes out of your penis when you think about [[w:Jenny_Agutter|Jenny Agutter]] too much.
* It's weird that the music's so annoying when the rest of the sound design is fuckin' top-notch -- voice acting, ambient sound, and especially the little radio plays that accompany the death flashbacks.  I couldn't say for sure if it accurately reproduces the sound of a bloke getting torn in half by a giant calamari platter, but it certainly made me cross my legs uncomfortably.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2018/10/31/zero-punctuation-return-of-the-obra-dinn/]

=== [[w:Fallout 76|Fallout 76]] ===

* People ask me if I worry about the future of the interactive arts in this era of [[w:AAA_(video_game_industry)|triple-A]] being a constant stream of soulless, exploitative knockoffs, but I'm not worried, because we've been here before. At the end of the 90's, games like [[w:Quake III|Quake III]] and [[w:Unreal Tournament|Unreal Tournament]] tried to convince us that we didn't ''really'' want artistic single-player PC games when we could just pay to run on hamster wheels all day, and look what the 2000s brought us. ''[[w:Deus_Ex_(video_game)|Deus Ex]], [[w:Thief II|Thief II]], [[w:BioShock|BioShock]], [[w:Portal_(video_game)|Portal]]''... It's always a ''phase.'' In the long run, the only eternal guarantor of success is a quality product well-made; ideally with tits on the front. The money to be made from knocking off what's popular and exploiting the stupid always dries up eventually, if only because the stupids die out from daring each other to headbutt the ceiling fan.

=== [[w:Red Dead Redemption 2|Red Dead Redemption 2]] ===
* Frankly, ''RDR 2'''s realistic world only impresses me the same way I'd be impressed if you drank a litre of cooking oil, more so by the effort than the wisdom behind it, because so little of what you see and do in ''RDR 2'' is actually fulfilling on a story or challenge level; the horse going &quot;plop-plops&quot; sums it all up nicely. I can't envision a scenario in which a lack of horse plops would knock a half-star off an otherwise-perfect score, but there it is, a drop in an ocean of pointless decadence. And this isn't one line of code, &quot;Horse_plopplops = 1&quot;; someone had to texture and animate it, and troll sound effect libraries for the ideal &quot;plop-plops&quot; sound, and they could've been using that time to cradle their children, or make something creatively fulfilling like ''Obra Dinn''. The fact that someone had to do it for their job makes me think of a restaurant manager loudly humiliating a waiter 'cos he thinks it'll impress the customer; well, it doesn't, Mr. Rockstar, and now I'm going to have to be very cautious about ordering the meatballs.

=== Best/Blandest/Worst of 2018 ===
* So we go straight from worst survival game to best.  Pay attention, every other survival game, because here's how ''Subnautica'' (title drop) stands out from the crowd:  ''Not'' using a focus on exploration and crafting as an excuse to skimp on good story; a beautiful exotic world so utterly hostile that you'll want to keep surviving largely out of spite; and, most importantly, ''no other cocking human players!''  Human contact is like Joss Whedon's ''Firefly;'' I tried it once or twice, but it's not really my thing.
* ''Rise of The Tomb Raider'' was my third most mediocre game of 2015, and now ''Shadow of The Tomb Raider'' has made it proud by hitting the number two spot.  Now that the reboot trilogy has finished ''sandblasting'' the personality off Laura Croft, any chance we could go back to the old one?  She might have been constantly pouting like she was trying to conceal an entire Portuguese man o' war in her mouth, but at least that was a facial expression of ''some kind.''
* The worst game of 2018 was, like the devil and weird sex practices, known by many names:  The Seven-Hour Snore, Hunt Down the Refund, Shit Down the Piss-Shit...  Call it whatever you like!  Just never forget what ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' was and what it represented:  A cringe-fest that unstitched its thoughtless patchwork of stolen assets to whip out its deseased knob and dispense blood-flecked urine all over a once-top-rate franchise with the tacit approval of its creator!  ''Fuck,'' man, what else is there to say?  I suppose I could say &quot;fuck&quot; again...  No, that's the wrong attitude.  It's a new year, after all.  Let's move on from the past and focus on what the future will bring.  [a copy of ''Super Smash Bros. Ultimate'' appears]  ''...FUCK!''

=== [[w:Super_Smash_Bros._Ultimate|Super Smash Bros. Ultimate]] ===
* So I asked myself how I would feel about a fighting game populated with all ''my'' favorite characters -- a game in which [[w:Modesty_Blaise|Modesty Blaise]] and [[w:Kira_Nerys|Major Kira]] can team up to bring down [[w:Horatio_Hornblower|Horatio Hornblower]] and the [[w:Riddler#Batman:_Arkham|Arkhamverse Riddler]].  And yes, I suppose I would get a kick out of that, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to who didn't know the characters.  It would only be the superficial appearance of Modesty Blaise with none of the nuances from the comic strip that make her a great character -- the personality, the backstory, the surprising amount of gratuitous nudity.  Actually, Smash Bros. has a close equivalent to that with Bayonetta and, sure enough, little of that character's actual personality is conveyed.  She's even depicted with realistic human proportions, which kinda threw me.
* At its core, it's about the combat, and yeah, it's Smash Brothers.  You mash buttons, and hope all those particle effects are coming out of them and not you.  Every now and again, your tiny opponent gestures vaguely with a limb that's like two pixels big on screen, and you promptly get blasted into the cosmos and you're left wondering what the fuck ''that'' was and how you were supposed to predict it.  So for a while, I was struggling along, not having much fun, but everything abruptly changed after I unlocked Donkey Kong, who I proceeded to exclusively play as.  Why?  Because A) He's big and cartoon-y enough that you can actually read his fucking movements; and B) he has this one attack that I like to call, &quot;Fuck Off I Win (Ook Ook),&quot; where he slaps the ground and everyone in a ten yard radius explodes.  I ended up challenging myself not to use it, because I jerk off sailors for nickels and even I thought it was cheap.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/09/super-smash-bros-ultimate/]

=== [[w:Gris_(video_game)|Gris]] and [[w:Ashen_(2018_video_game)|Ashen]] ===
* And that's why it's time for the first indie double-bill of the year.  Gratifyingly for my love of connecting themes, both games are named after a word that means, &quot;grey.&quot;  Not only that, but they're both words that mean &quot;grey&quot; that you might use if you're a pretentious twat.  Or French...  For all the difference that makes.
* ''Gris'' is a platformer.  There! I've just described the game about nine times more efficiently than the blurb on ''Gris'''s Steam page, which describes it as, &quot;A serene and evocative experience about pain and an atmospheric journey through sorrow.&quot;  ''It's a fuckin' platformer, all right??''
* It'd be a good scam, wouldn't it, claiming that we're playing co-op with uncommunicative humans indistinguishable from NPCs.  It'd be like an inverse of the Dumbo's Magic Feather trick.  &quot;Maybe I could have beaten that dungeon if the other guy hadn't been such a fuck-up.&quot;  &quot;Ha-hah! Don't you see?  There ''was'' no other guy!  The fuck-up was in ''you'' all along!&quot;  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/16/zero-puncuation-gris-and-ashen/]

=== [[w:Katamari_Damacy|Katamari Damacy Reroll]] ===
* Hi, I'm Yahtzee Croshaw, super-casual game reviewer!  What's that, games industry?  No new games of interest?  That's cool; we're all ''super-caj'' here.  Have a fun-size Twix.  Yeah, so I finally finished ''[[w:Celeste_(video_game)|Celeste]]'' this week.  I've been playing it ''super-caj'' style for about an hour every three months, and yeah, it certainly is a game.  It was okay, I dunno...  The way people were banging on about it all year, I was expecting it to fire streamers and ticker tape out of its nipples.  It's just like the ''[[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Senua's Sacrifice]]'' thing where the main character has a mental illness and therefore it's a masterpiece, and if you think otherwise, you're Hitler.  Oh, you ''are'' Hitler!  Well, that's cool; I'm ''super-caj.''  Have a Twix.  ''Heyyyyyyyy...''
* ''Katamari Damacy'''s greatness lies in the simplicity of its concept and the unrivalled catharsis in its execution.  You start out with pathetic laughable sticky balls that can just about pick up drawing pins and which get gleefully batted about by the cats that patrol the living room.  But then a few minutes later, after you're done hoovering up the garden furniture, you come back, and there's something very rewarding about seeing an exclamation mark appear above the head of a cat that once bullied you.  ''&quot;I see you remember me, Mr. Whiskers!&quot;''  After all, what good are sticky balls if you can't crush pussy.

=== [[w:Kingdom Hearts III|Kingdom Hearts III]] ===
* Here is my impression of a Kingdom Hearts character going to the toilet: &quot;Ooh!&quot; &quot;What is it?&quot; &quot;I think I need the toilet!&quot; &quot;Hmm... Hey, look! Isn't that a toilet over there?&quot; &quot;Right! Let's get going!&quot; Break into a sprint, bloke in a black trench coat appears, everyone stops dead. &quot;I wouldn't do that if I were you.&quot; &quot;What!? The Organization!? Why shouldn't we go to the toilet!?&quot; &quot;Simply because... I just did a very big poo in that toilet.&quot; &quot;Huh!?&quot; &quot;Gawrsh, if he did a very big poo in the toilet, it probably still smells!&quot; &quot;It doesn't matter.&quot; &quot;Hm?&quot; &quot;As long as we're together, we can take on the smell of any poo! That's what friendship is all about!&quot;
* I didn't expect to finish ''Kingdom Hearts III'' in the time I had, so I had just set out to play until I knew my opinion wasn't going to change, and that moment came at the Winnie the Pooh section. In-between two of the actual levels, it suddenly becomes important that Sora investigate why he's not on the cover of a Winnie the Pooh book; wasn't sure why he felt he should be, except his general sense of being the centre of the fucking universe, but then we go to the Hundred Acre Wood, and it turns out everything's fine and they just wanted to hang out, although they won't let you leave until you've played some insipid colour-matching games. Sorry, why was this important? Is the plot ''seriously'' being held hostage by Winnie the ''Fucking'' Pooh?!

=== [[w:Metro Exodus|Metro Exodus]] ===
* [Artyom] eventually discovers the hidden truth that parts of the world besides Moscow are still inhabitable and inhabited. In fact, most of it is, apparently, and Moscow has just been deliberately isolated by paranoid militants this whole time. Now, I'd never be so hyperbolic as to say that this fundamentally ruins the ''Metro'' series, or pisses on it, or leaves its hollowed-out corpse in an alley with an asshole like a rusty tuba, but it does mean that if I get around to replaying the first two ''Metros'', I'm going to feel pretty fucking stupid throughout as I appreciate the horrific, lonely atmosphere of a dead world and the uplifting moments of pure humanity in a seemingly hopeless situation, now knowing that there are fucking beach parties going on a half an hour up the motorway.

=== [[w:Far Cry New Dawn|Far Cry New Dawn]] ===
* The smug, charismatic psycho ''du jour'', the Twins, are definitely among the least effective or interesting villains ''Far Cry'' has produced; they come across like former stars of a 90's children's sitcom that went off the deep end: certainly hateable, but with no complexity or agenda besides wanting to laze around, living off other people's hard work. (Bloody typical of young people today, am I right?!) The only reason the Twins have any power seems to be that people like the main protagonist keep getting inexplicable brain farts in their presence; there's one bit where we're headed to a building to confront the Twins, and the Twins give us a ring when we're outside and say, &quot;Hey, put all your guns in that bag and then come in and handcuff yourself to the ceiling,&quot; and we're given no choice but to obey. Hypothesize with me, Captain Protagonist Person: what if we just didn't do that? What possible consequence do you think there would be if bursting in guns blazing? &quot;Oh, no! They might say something very fucking sassy before I blow their jawbones off with an LMG and leave their tongues to waggle like used condoms on an extractor fan!&quot;

=== [[w:Anthem_(video_game)|Anthem]] ===
* I imagine that working for EA must be rather like living with a toddler, drunk person, or [[w:Donald_Trump|&quot;President&quot; of The United States]].  Imagine BioWare's plight:  &quot;Well, now that you spent all that money getting the Star Wars license, we ''did'' make ''Knights of The Old Republic'' back in the day, so perhaps we could...&quot;  '''&quot;NO!  hATe StAR WarS!  sTaR waRS IS bOriNG!  CANceL aLL tHE STaR wARS!  I wANt THAT!&quot;'''  &quot;You want what?&quot;  '''''&quot;i WANt tHAt!&quot;'''''  &quot;What, ''[[w:Destiny_(video_game)|Destiny]]?''&quot;  '''&quot;YeS!  I wanT ThING thaT LOOks LikE ''Halo'' wiTH sOmEHoW eVEn LeSS peRSonALiTY!'''  &quot;Well, you can't have ''Destiny;'' it's owned by Activision/Blizzard.&quot;  '''''&quot;AaAAaGGgH-waAAgGgHH-WaaAGggHhh...!&quot;'''''  &quot;''All right, all right!''  I suppose we could make something that's a lot like ''Destiny.''  I mean, mindless online-only looty-shootys aren't really our thing; we're more about character-based role-play...  Oh, dear, ''please'' stop holding your breath, EA!  Look!  We made our own version of ''Destiny!''  It's called ''Anthem!''&quot;  '''&quot;UGH!  HaTE iT!  YoUR'e aLL fiREd!  WHy diDN't yOu mAKE a StaR wArs gAME?&quot;'''
*Meanwhile, show up at Gameplay Land and ask if it would be possible to play single-player, and the game reacts like you sat down at an expensive restaurant and ordered a bowl of corn flakes. You go to the &quot;Privacy Settings&quot; - once you can find the fucking things, 'cos this game has a worse menu system than a McDonald's drive-thru after a major earthquake - What is it with ultra-AAA games having shitty interfaces these days? Is it the same principle by which Las Vegas casinos are laid out, to get you lost and unable to glimpse the Sun in the hope that you get confused and accidentally drop all your money? - and your options are &quot;Public Match&quot;, as God intended, or &quot;Private Match&quot; for big stupid losers. Then, when you set it to &quot;private&quot; and try to start solo, a window pops up saying, &quot;Hehehe, sorry! Someone's CLEARLY made a dreadful mistake! Surely, you don't actually want to play a solo private match? Just click here and we'll set it back to public play so you can rejoin all the NORMAL PEOPLE!&quot; But I didn't click that, and then the tip on the fucking loading screen was something about how playing multiplayer earns more rewards and doesn't make the little baby Jesus cry. What the fuck is this, guys?! Am I on suicide watch?!
* ...The gameplay clearly exists on sufferance, and yet the main story is still surprisingly short and padded out.  The bit where you can't continue the plot until you complete a checklist of arbitrary gameplay grinds springs to mind -- a very poorly explained checklist at that.  &quot;Get five multikills.&quot;  What the fuck's a multikill, ''Anthem?''  &quot;Well, what do you think it is?&quot;  Erm...  Killing more than two enemies with one grenade?  &quot;Oh, good guess!  Wrong, though.&quot;

=== [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division_2|The Division 2]] ===
* But as we settle in to the primary gameplay loop of ''The [[w:Devotion_(video_game)|Devotion]] 2'', we see precisely how it intends to carry on the series legacy of staring existential horror.  As you connect with a safe house and a list of numbered objectives appear in the corner of the screen, knowing that all of them will entail the exact same thing -- walking into yet another exhaustively decorated large room full of chest-high walls, taking up position and waiting for another parade of identical generic bad guys to inexplicably leap out of cover in turn so you can pop them in the face -- and then you will grasp the true horror of your existence, that you willingly paid money to play what is essentially a right-wing gun enthusiast's version of Fifty-Two Pickup for potentially the rest of your life.  And in that, ''The Devotion 2'' is a true sequel to the previous...  ''[Yahtzee impatiently turns to the imp who has just appeared]''  What!?  What do you want?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  Well, what is it a sequel to, then?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  What, the [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division|''boring'' one]]?  ''[*whisper*]''  Actually, that does make more sense.  Sorry, everyone, little misunderstanding; I'll have to start again. ''(*ahem*)''  Boring Tom Clancy Ubisoft Sandbox 2 is another The Division.  Oh, bugger! I've confused myself.
* You shoot bullets at the enemies to make their health ''number'' go down, so you can chip at your arbitrary ''number'' of objectives, and find gear to improve your '''numbers'''  in rooms with very large '''''numbers''''' of chest-high walls...  Some day they're going to refine this all down and make a game where all you do is press plus-one on a calculator until you reach the arbitrary point that makes a nearby person's chest cavity explode, and your calculator gets slightly bigger.  It'll make ''billions.''

=== [[w:Yoshi's Crafted World|Yoshi's Crafted World]] ===
* I must confess, listeners, that I'm a little bit biased against ''Yoshi's Island'' and its present-day derivatives; of all the chapters of what we might as well call the &quot;Original Mario Canon&quot;, I like ''Yoshi's Island'' the least, not just because listening to Baby Mario cry made me want to vaccinate him against continuing to be alive, not just because of the questionable way in which Yoshi would swallow enemies and then poo them out of his implied cloaca, not even because the aiming controls were shit (and still are shit, despite them no longer having the excuse that the controller isn't full of unused buttons and analogue sticks all hankering to muck in like a bunch of guilt-stricken white people at an African house-building project). No, the main reason ''Yoshi's Island'' sits poorly with me is that it introduced to a hitherto-perfectly straightforward series of platformers the idea that there can be degrees of success. See, in ''Mario World'', you can crawl across the finish line as tiny Mario with shards of tortoise shell lodged in your face, or you can break the tape with the tip of your giant powered-up stiffy, and either counts equally as a win; you can find your own level of success. But ''Yoshi's Island'' doesn't tick the level off as &quot;properly&quot; done until you find all the invisible secret places and end it with full health, and thus began video gaming's dark history of exploiting the &quot;obsessive instinct&quot;, something that set the path that led us all the way to our current apocalyptic age of live service loot box labouring; all it took was for one cunt to realize that that sense of fulfilment one gets from the &quot;Level 100% Completed&quot; jingle is something people might conceivably pay extra for, a cunt who will one day be remembered alongside the dude who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS.
* &quot;Mummy, can I watch this funny Internet video about my favorite ''Yoshi'' game?&quot; &quot;Of course, darling! There's hardly likely to be a reference to the dude that fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS!&quot;

=== [[w:Days Gone|Days Gone]] ===
* Of all the video game protagonists I've been unreasonably obliged to identify with, I struggle to think of one I dislike more than Deacon St. John. Even Jeffrey Cuddletrousers from ''Hatred'' at least had some fucking ambition in life. At least he knew how to express himself, and didn't just mumble into his shoes all the time. He didn't sulk and whine every time someone asked him to do something, like a teenager when the bins need putting out. And he didn't passive-aggressively criticize them under his breath the moment their backs were turned; he'd mainly just stab them in the face and shit. But the developers apparently thought Deacon St. John's &quot;dynamic&quot; personality needed to be a constant presence, so he has to comment on ''fucking everything''. &quot;Oh, I picked up a bottle. Another Molotov is it? Yawn!&quot; And another thing; stop second guessing my intentions, Deacon St. John! I walk two feet out of a zombie clear-out zone, and you go &quot;Ooh, I guess I'll finish clearing it out later, then...&quot; You'd like that, wouldn't you, ''you lazy bastard!?'' What was your job at that biker gang you used to be in? 'Cause I think it must have been taste tasting the crystal meth.

=== [[w:Close to the Sun (video game)|Close to the Sun]] ===
* Frankly, I think ''Close to the Sun'' presents a cautionary tale. If you're going to knock something off, maybe pick something that isn't really good and made by more competent people than you. Why not try to make, say, ''Ride To Hell'', but actually functional, and consequently infinitely less interesting? And then re-name it something like ''Days Gone''.

=== [[w:Rage 2|Rage 2]] ===
* So Rage 1 was a pudding-y fart in an overcrowded swimming pool, and Bethesda must've said to id, &quot;All right, fine, just make Doom.&quot; So they made Doom, and it kicked arse, and then they were like, &quot;Great! We've figured it out! Now let's make another Rage!&quot; Why?! Why are we still bothering with Rage?! And why do you have a black eye? &quot;I walked into a door. I mean, because it's a post-apocalypse story that desperately needs to be told, that's why! Now, let's make Rage 2, and they're definitely not making me say this!&quot; Well, let's give Rage 2 a chance; I mean, there might be a few things that a shoot-y drive-y post-apocalypse sandbox can do with the color magenta that Far Cry New Dawn didn't already do this year.

=== E3 2019 ===
* Funny, isn't it, how whenever a game talks about being &quot;over-the-top&quot; or &quot;tongue-in-cheek&quot;, it always seems to mean the same thing these days: that it's going to look like an irresponsibly violent version of ''Jet Set Radio''? Probably cel-shaded, every character's introduced with a freeze-frame profile and dresses like a Tank Girl cosplayer with colour blindness, and a lot of things will be magenta. Oh, yeah, and there'll be a panda, for some reason.
* But let's get on to some of the bigger stuff, like, for example, the giant dribbling cock that Square Enix tripped and broke its nose on, the one with &quot;Avengers&quot; written along the side. With ''[[w:Avengers: Endgame|Avengers: Endgame]]'' and the very distinct appearances of the main actors still fresh in public memory, wheeling out a game starring their stunt doubles left everyone a bit nonplussed, at best. &quot;Oh, come on, Yahtz! The cost of the likeness rights for these people could've paid for four more years of mysteriously-silent ''Final Fantasy VII'' development!&quot; Oh, fair enough, Square Enix; just show us how the Avengers game plays, then. &quot;Mmmmmm... No.&quot;

=== [[w:Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night|Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night]] ===
* I hope ''Bloodstained'' realizes what it has done; all we needed was a few more disappointing fuck-ups, a few more ''Mighty No. 9''s, ''Yooka-Laylees'', ''Broken Age''s, and maybe we could've all been completely soured to the Kickstarted retro callback. &quot;Oh, maybe it isn't healthy to never want to leave our youthful comfort zones,&quot; we could've all said. &quot;Maybe we should be open to new thoughts and ideas, for just as the gene pool requires variance, so too does art need a diversity of new concepts to avoid stagnation and producing nothing but the cultural equivalent of harelips and webbed toes.&quot; And you fucked that up, ''Bloodstained'', by proving the system can actually work, and now it's going to be Kickstarted remakes of ''Custer's Revenge'' as far as the eye can see. If you want a picture of the future, imagine General Custer's lovingly-rendered shiny bell-end slapping a human face - forever.

=== [[w:My_Friend_Pedro|My Friend Pedro]] and [[w:Sea_of_Solitude|Sea of Solitude]] ===
* I want to emphasize, though, that the core combat is really good.  I smash through a window on a skateboard, kick the same skateboard into somebody's eye socket, backflip over his friend shooting two guys at once, kick a frying pan into the air and shoot at it so the bullets ricochet into three other guys who were in cover and apparently left under some mad idea that it was in their power to stop me, and then, for the first time since initially entering the room, I touch the floor.
* It also does the thing where it goes, &quot;Oh, look, a sewer level.  How original.&quot; (*roll eyes*)  And then proceeds to unironically have a sewer level, that goes on way too fucking long.  '''If''' you '''know''' it's '''bad''', '''why are''' you '''doing''' it?  Surely the comedic subversive thing to do would be to ''pretend'' we're having a sewer level, and then go, &quot;Oh, bollocks to this hackneyed shit!  Let's have a level where you ride an ostrich through a bouncy castle!&quot;
* ''Sea of Solitude'' is one of those games that's either going to really speak to you, or completely leave you cold.  It'll all depend on whether you personally relate to Kay or not, and the more I played, the more I disliked her.  Not because she was an inattentive sister or any of the other reasons the game gives for why she's tormenting herself like this.  It's because she's such a fucking self-absorbed drama queen, she'll craft a grand operatic scenario out of her interpersonal relationship issues.  &quot;Oh no!  I didn't give my depressed boyfriend enough space!  Verily must I be clothed in the rainments of the traitor and banish myself to the wine-dark seas of nothingness to dwell forevermore.&quot;  ''JUST STOP TEXTING HIM SO MUCH, YA DIPPY MOO!''

=== [[w:Acclaim Entertainment|Acclaim Entertainment]] Hall of Shame ===
* It started in 2002 when, in the run-up to the release of horror-themed action-adventure ''Shadow Man 2'', Acclaim announced that they would pay the funeral costs of anyone willing to put a Shadow Man 2 advert on the headstone of a deceased relative, prompting public outcry and the Church of England basically telling them to piss off. Yes, Church of &quot;Tea and Crumpets with the Vicar&quot; England! Takes a lot to upset those lads; they don't even hate gays that much. Now, in my research, the name &quot;Steve Perry&quot; came up a lot; apparently, he was the executive coming up with these ideas, but I find it hard to believe that one person could be entirely to blame. Sure, I can see one executive descending from a cocaine-induced trance to announce, &quot;Hey, I know what demographic we should target: the recently bereaved!&quot;; what I have trouble picturing is the roomful of colleagues that then replied, &quot;Yes, we agree! What a good idea; let's action it!&quot; without subsequently making hasty, sarcastic eye-rolls at whoever was keeping the minutes. Later the same year, Acclaim promoted the resoundingly mediocre ''Turok: Evolution'' by offering a sack of cash to anyone who was willing to christen their newborn baby &quot;Turok&quot;, apparently shifting their demographic focus to the other end of the scale.
* Now, one might reasonably say at this point, &quot;Surely, it wasn't a serious offer to let new parents cash in on their future bullying victims! Surely, these were just shock tactics to grab headlines, the way a graffiti artist just wants attention and doesn't literally want to fuck the police! I mean, to be serious, there aren't enough hours in the day.&quot; Well, Acclaim would always insist these were genuine offers when pressed, and therefore, they must've been by the Universal Law of No Take-Backsies, but they also claim that the baby name idea was taken from a marketing expert named Simeon Cantrell who, it turned out, didn't exist; who wrote a book whose ISBN number, in truth, belonged to a book of children's knock-knock jokes. All of which indicates that at least one person at Acclaim was treating this as a big, ironic gag that would send them laughing all the way to the bank, but Acclaim was still losing money, so it was more like a forced chuckle all the way to the dole office.

=== [[w:Rebel Galaxy Outlaw|Rebel Galaxy Outlaw]] ===
* Back before ''[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]'' finished itself off with all the grace and elegance of the last season of ''[[w:Game of Thrones|Game of Thrones]]'' wanking into a bin, whenever I played one of those games, it always struck me how you only ever saw that universe from the top of the social heap; from the perspective of a universally famous and respected galactic saviour who could swan about on the best ship ever, decking journalists with impunity and being extremely flighty about what his favourite store on the Citadel is. I always wondered what the ''Mass Effect'' universe was like to the average fuck, just about qualified to reverse their space van out of their own space driveway and deliver crates of flavourless nutrient paste to the worker cubes; how did they feel about Commander Shepard? Were they happy with the flavour of ice cream they got at the end of ''[[w:Mass Effect 3|Mass Effect 3]]''? Well, I guess we'll never know now, since after ''[[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]]'', more ''Mass Effect'' is about as hotly demanded as the ''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]] Bumper Fun Activity Book for Kids''.

=== Remnant: From The Ashes ===
*''Remnant (huurk) From the Ashes'' is a third-person action-adventure with a grim tone set in a dying world- it's a ''Dark Souls'' clone, isn't it? &quot;Yes, Yahtzee, that's why we thought you would like it, since you feel about Dark Souls the way a starving tiger feels about something tigers particularly enjoy eating!&quot; Yeah, but it feels like half the original IPs these days are Dark Souls clones. You're like grandparents, you are; I show up to your house in orange trousers one fucking time and now you get me a new pair of orange trousers every fucking Christmas. So come on then, what's this one's gimmick? &quot;Well, it's ''Dark Souls'', but with guns!&quot; So, ''Bloodborne'', then? &quot;''NO'', SHUT UP! It's ''Dark Souls'' with a full-on third-person shooter: over-the-shoulder, iron sights, the whole steaming cow pat.&quot; So, it's Dark Souls but combined with the other 50% of every game that comes out these days?

=== [[w:Gears_5|Gears 5]] ===
* Well, anyway, the war against the Locust, I mean the Lambent, I mean the Swarm, I mean actually I think it's the Locust again now, continues, and is showing no sign of clearing up because this game ends on an unsatisfying cliffhanger.  I guess Microsoft are still paying off the death-ray satellite.
* Want to know how to do a ''Gears of War'' witticism?  Step One: Say something relevant but completely obvious, to stir the players from the latest trance the combat put them into.  Step Two:  Continue talking uselessly until I hate you: &quot;We need to go over there, and by 'over there,' I mean towards that big scary building full of enemies.&quot;  &quot;Oh, great.  So what's the ''good'' news?&quot;  &quot;Well, the good news is that I'm very handsome and glib and...&quot;  '''''SHUT THE FUCK UUuuUUuuUP!!'''''  &quot;...Okay, but by &quot;shut the fuck up,&quot; do you mean...?&quot;  '''''OH, MY GOD!!'''''  Why can't you just accept that Joss Whedon will never hire you? [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/09/25/gears-5-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Contra: Rogue Corps|Contra: Rogue Corps]] ===
* Set after the alien wars depicted in the retro ''Contras'', ''Contra: Rogue Corps'' is concerned with a mysterious alien city that rises from the ruins, which is supposed to be full of treasure that we assuredly want, but doesn't seem to be doing anything besides sitting there and having treasure and monsters, which is a classic example of a &quot;non-plot.&quot; A depressingly common setting for live-service multiplayer video games: A plot with no active villain, or ticking clock, or clear solution, just an environment with a sense of permanent, non-specific peril that can never change or develop for fear that XxNobChopsxX might stop his grindy, 8-hour quest to make themselves able to grind 1.8% more efficiently.
* Between missions, we go back to home base and have to deal with the &quot;looty&quot; half of &quot;looty-shooty&quot; by laboriously sorting through our latest crop of equips and weapon add-ons that apply completely mystifying upgrades. &quot;+5% defence against generic damage&quot;? What the fuck is &quot;generic&quot; damage? Damage that basically does the job but isn't focused on innovating at this time?

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Breakpoint|Ghost Recon Breakpoint]] ===
* ...Let's not forget, you can buy what's termed &quot;timesavers&quot;; so first we buy your game, Ubisoft, and then you charge us more money to not have to play it? If I paid double price up front, would you just not give it to me at all? Take a step back, people, because this has all gotten way too fucking normalized. When you charge money for something you can produce infinitely at zero cost, like in-game currency, that's not a service; that is the fucking death of economics as a concept. How the fuck did we get here from basic principles of trade?! It's like walking up to a dude in the stocks in the village square and saying, &quot;If you give me three turnips, I'll spit in your face.&quot;

=== [[w:Indivisible (video game)|Indivisible]] ===
* The plot concerns the infuriatingly awkwardly-spelled Ajna, a spunky teenage girl in a ''[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni no Kuni]]''-esque dog's breakfast fantasy world where forest villages and steampunk cities rub shoulders like slightly-acquainted colleagues in an undersized lift, who has been trained as a fighter from birth by her stern dad, and has only just established her protagonist credentials when she returns to her forest village to find it being forest pillaged by an imperialist army of baddies, and her stern dad has been made stone dead. Yeah, I'm guessing you weren't shooting for the &quot;Creative Writing&quot; prize, were you, Lab Zero? Shall I put us down for &quot;Standard RPG Fantasy Package A-12&quot;, then? Please direct me to the first of the several teenagers we will be enlisting to aid us in murdering God. Still, we're thrown a bit of a curveball early on when, while fighting the Imperial soldier who stone-deaded our stern dad, said soldier inexplicably turns into a spirit and is absorbed by Ajna's consciousness, 'cause it turns out Ajna has a secret god power that lets her draw people into herself and then get them to fight for her; sort of like ''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]'', but with human beings, and therefore, somehow even more ethically questionable.
* The problem is, there's a moment in the game - and it's remarkable how finely I can pinpoint it - where an invisible lever gets thrown and the bottom drops out, and it stops being fun. It's about the point when you meet the pirate lesbian, and the world opens up, and you know we're in trouble when a pirate lesbian marks anything but an upturn in events. The problem is in the numbers; I don't know if they were originally making another fighting game and just got bored, but that might explain the ridiculous number of party members you get. This is some ''[[w:Chrono Cross|Chrono Cross]]''-level shit; the primest real estate in the world is a teenage girl's noggin, apparently, and Ajna's beating the tenants off with a stick. But the combat isn't very deep, and all that really matters is doing the most damage as fast as you can, so you might as well just find four guys you like and stick with them. And post-pirate lesbian, something goes horribly wrong with the enemy's stats; I went into battle with a small, unassuming frog, bum-bounced them between my four lads for twenty minutes, then in that awkward post-coital cigarette-break while I wait for everyone's bars to refill, I realized that the frog still had nine-tenths of their health bar left. ''I hit that frog 400 times!'' In a sane world, they would no longer have more than one dimension, ''let alone health points!'' And they couldn't do much damage to me, either, so now I'm just disinterestedly doing my super-combo six times to kill ''one'' fucking frog! I feel like [[w:Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninoff]] playing for pocket change in a dive bar, and the crowd won't stop requesting &quot;[[w:Free Bird|Free Bird]]&quot;.

=== [[w:The Outer Worlds|The Outer Worlds]] ===
* The Obsidian-brand depth of player choice is here; you can even side with the corporations if you want, but they are both evil and failing horribly, so it's like betting on [[w:Nazi Germany|the Nazis]] to win World War II even as [[w:Magda Goebbels|Magda Goebbels]] is biting down on her suicide pill.

=== 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup ===
* Deck13's &quot;sci-fi ''Dark Souls'' with industrial lifting equipment&quot; returns with better parrying mechanics and not so much cripple torture porn, finally raising the series to the dizzy heights of &quot;basically okay&quot;. I think I'm already seeing the inherent issue with this video's premise: most games that I didn't feel like reviewing when they came out were just &quot;fine&quot;. It's hard to get your bile churning about something that's &quot;fine&quot;, but I'll give it a go: &quot;Urgh, [''{{w|The Surge 2}}'']! Your level design is so fucking mildly confusing, it makes me want to vomit diarrhea out of my nose! And oh God, if I have to fight another fucking generic dude with misplaced {{w|IKEA}} parts glued to their armpits, I'm going to, erm... shit earwax out of my piss-hole.&quot;

* [''{{w|Code Vein}}''] is another Souls-like with combat that's generally FINE and boring level design, but it has one thing that makes it notable: it's the most {{w|anime}} game I've ever played. This is a game where the character customizer has 90 billion hairdos and two noses; a game where one of the facilities in your home base is a {{w|onsen|hot spring}}, and if you get in it, female characters will show up in skimpy towels. This is a thing that happens. It built a {{w|fan service}} hot springs episode into its fucking mechanics! And after the second main boss in a row was a giant demonic stripper with their {{w|breast physics|juicy jugs flapping about}}, I made the decision to stop playing before my {{w|Amazon (company)|Amazon}} recommendations became too embarrassing.

* [''[[w:Outer Wilds|Outer Wilds]]'']'s nice when you're roaming the skies with a song in your heart. It's less nice you're lost in an underground labyrinth trying to find a fucking outpost you found two loops ago, but couldn't finish exploring because you misfired your jetpack, fell, broke both your legs and then the sun exploded. It's a game that can simultaneously be very chilled out and very demoralizing. Like going bankrupt because you blew all your money on BBC nature documentaries.

=== 2019 Best, Worst, and Blandest ===
* And so ends the year Two Thousand Nineteen / What a cascade of failure and pain it has been / Out came the games to not that much cheer / But lots of hostility, and yawning, and sneers / That made all the publishers recoil in fear / And push back the games that looked good to next year / But no amount of pushback would have been enough / To lift our poor industry out of the trough / Of artless, 'sploitational, grind-a-thon guff / Of loot-box live service, and all of that stuff / But anyway, to close out Two Thousand Nineteen / The best, and the worst, and the blandest I've seen.
* I was hesitant to reward ''Bloodstained'' just for being ''Castlevania: Symphony of The Night'', but it isn't that, really.  What it is is exactly what I wanted: For ''Castlevania'' to stop pissing about and pack all the good ideas it's had into one game that we can finally call good without qualification.  &quot;Okay, but I can I make the protagonist wear a silly hat?&quot;  Yes, Koji Igarashi, have all the silly hats you want.  &quot;I will!&quot;
* ''Anthem'' is mind-numbing live service tosh with fewer original ideas than a BBC daytime television commissioner, but that's not why it's topping my &quot;blandest&quot; list.  The real reason?  Because while I was writing down the obvious candidates -- ''Days Gone'', ''Ghost Recon'' -- I suddenly noticed ''Anthem'' on the list of 2019 releases, and thought, &quot;Huh.  I completely forgot about that.&quot;  And ''that'', viewers, is what gives you the edge in a mediocrity contest.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019-best-worst-and-blandest-zero-punctuation/]

=== The 2010s' Most Significant Games ===
* The history of gaming in the 2010s could theoretically be told entirely in open world games. If I were to pick that represents them all, I'd probably go for ''Far Cry 3'', which was pretty good, but it was where an unpleasant trend was being to crystallise - the sandbox game becoming less &quot;open-ended cathartic adventure&quot; than &quot;gigantic, three-dimensional checklist of busywork&quot;, its maps splattered with identical, copy-pasted challenges and collectibles designed mainly to torment the obsessive-compulsive, with a primary gameplay loop best summarized as &quot;tidying up&quot;. Where the stories gradually devolved into withered strands of linear tutorial missions that don't even have proper endings, 'cos we have to go straight back to the sandbox afterwards to hunt for the remaining five hundred sliver pinecones.

=== [[w:MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries|MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries]] &amp; [[w:Wattam|Wattam]] ===
* Wattam's blurb states that it's a game about friendship, but I don't agree that it is. What this game is really saying is that the only way to be accepted by society and your peers is to blindly follow instructions, and that if someone chews you up and shits you out you should just be grateful for the attention. So apparently it’s a metaphor for your first job after leaving college.

=== [[w:The_Walking_Dead:_Saints_%26_Sinners|The Walking Dead: Saints &amp; Sinners]] ===
* If I'm serious about VR being good and the way forward for immersive gaming -- and I should stress I do genuinely think that; people tell me they often can't tell if I'm being sarcastic because I have what's medically known as Resting Bitch Voice -- then, like the [[w:Coronavirus|coronavirus]], we'd all better get used to hearing about it.
* The first area in which ''The Walking Dead: Baits &amp; Switches'' exceeds ''Boneworks'' is story, because it actually fucking has one.  The city of New Orleans has been classically zombie-apocalypsed, and catastrophically flooded as well -- although apparently that was unrelated.  That was just, y'know, Tuesday.
* But somehow they [the weapons] don't have the same satisfying feel.  It's the little things.  It's the sound; it's the slides being a bit more finicky.  It's the way ammunition doesn't go in to the gun so much as disappear the moment it's vaguely near it:  &quot;GUN-TOR ACCEPTS YOUR SACRIFICE!  (*om-nom-nom-nom-nom!*)  YOU ARE GRANTED A BOON OF SIX MORE DEAD CUNTS!&quot;

=== [[w:Dreams (video game)|Dreams]] ===
* I made sure to leave a like on the small number of games that I felt got into the right spirit of things, offering nice straightforward gameplay loops, occasionally even original ones, and as I looked around at the colourful menus and the careful curation algorithms at work, I found myself thinking &quot;Y'know, it'll be a real shame when this all gets taken over by perverts.&quot; These things always are, Media Molecule. The ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' fans are the warning sign. Now Sonic fans aren't necessarily perverts, basketball players aren't necessarily tall but it fucking helps. Sooner or later they bring in that one character who's a bat with tits and the furries have got a foot in your door. Remember ''[[w:Second Life|Second Life]]''? Once a lovely wholesome attempt at a community-created online world of pure imagination, now just zebra dicks and yiff piles as far as the eye can see. The earnest creators will all return or graduate to more efficient systems once the novelty wears off and then all your fancy 3D art tools are so much fantasy penis shaping equipment. What're you gonna do, screen all incoming content for the rest of your fucking life? Smarter and more dedicated people than you have tried to hold back the masturbators, and the masturbators always win, probably because they've got all the stamina.

=== [[w:Black Mesa (video game)|Black Mesa]] ===
* ''Black Mesa'''s Xen is three or four times longer than the original, which I'm not sure is the solution I'd have gone for. &quot;Oh, you don't want your broccoli? Well here’s three times as much, bitch, and if you don't learn to like it I'm going to start pushing it up your nose.&quot; I suppose having worked on it for years they wanted to prove they weren't ''Duke Nukem Forever''-ing that whole time, and that is most certainly proved. The cosmic vistas are spectacular, every inch of effort is on display, and while it is overlong and the quality has its dips, some bits are pretty forgettable and some chug along like the early morning hangover shits, there’s enough of a sense of wonder about it that I wasn’t unengaged. Trouble is, I don't think it addresses the actual issue with Xen – we just spent umpteen hours tactically combatting our way through an ever-evolving narrative about a research facility disaster and military cover-up and this ''Metroid'' meets ''American McGee's Alice'' bad acid trip at a children's ball pit full of tricky platforming and bullet spongey bosses doesn’t feel like a payoff for what was set up.

=== [[w:Ori and the Will of the Wisps|Ori and the Will of the Wisps]] ===
* The usual indie arty platformer theme of small innocent child in big scary world is like the missionary position. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, some interesting things have been done with it, but when it's all you fucking do you'll swiftly be desperately hankering to break the monotony with just one suck job or nipple clamp. The thing about small child scary world though is that it rarely does sequels, because the underlying theme of small child scary world is coming of age and/or loss of innocence, and you can’t lose your innocence twice. Well, I suppose you could lose it in stages. Say, lose half when you find out that Santa isn’t real, lose the other half the first time you take it up the arse.
* Once again the nebulous negative force we’re up against is &quot;the darkness&quot;, which has no agenda beyond making all the nice people sad and the local boss monsters bastards, requiring that we help out through therapeutic beating the glowing snot out of them. Look, I know this isn't ''Tinker Tailor Soldier Cat Rabbit Thing'' and I shouldn't expect complex plotting from my fantasy animal platformers, but the mythic tone and sweeping soundtrack makes me think that it thinks its story is epic and profound, when it's actually kinda shallow. Drive out the darkness and restore the light? Ooh, good idea, maybe I wouldn't bump into things so much. The game's backed by Microsoft and there's a vibe of corporate committee thinking around it. It reminds me of how Hollywood pumps its most crassly gigantic budgets into movies with no more profound message than &quot;it's bad to murder everyone with explosions&quot; because any more controversial statement would offend the Chinese government.

=== [[w:Doom Eternal|Doom Eternal]] ===
* ''Doom Eternal'' is the sequel to ''[[w:Doom (2016 video game)|Doom 2016]]'', in which we step back into the chunky, elephantine boots of THE DOOM SLAYER, and the plot picks up where ''Doom 2016'' left off, give or take an explanation for how we escaped from Mars, and where we got a fucking spaceship from, or how demons have conquered most of Planet Earth. Okay, so maybe it doesn't start where ''Doom 2016'' left off, although the &quot;demons invading Earth&quot; bit, we could probably have safely assumed. Ooh, what has humanity learned from the previous disaster? The usual amount: somewhere in the region between &quot;bugger&quot; and &quot;all&quot;. How timely. But as for how THE DOOM SLAYER got here, maybe that was explained in the DLC or a comic book somewhere; and incidentally, I do appreciate how it's now canon that THE DOOM SLAYER does actually talk like he did in the Doom comic book: like an abattoir worker on enough coke to floor an elephant seal.

* THE DOOM SLAYER is an unfettered, chaotic id who only wants to kill demons and find collectible Happy Meal toys; in other words, he's the player of a mindless shooter game. But the central gag of the character is that all the other characters in the plot are looking for meaning and cosmic/religious significance in his actions where none truly exists; he just doesn't give a shit. That's the joke; very funny, ha ha ha. But in ''Doom Eternal'', when there are entire levels devoted to traipsing through empty hallways learning the history of THE DOOM SLAYER and the origin story for how he came to not give a shit, and we're beset by cutscenes and dialogue and codex entries filling us in on the Maykrs of Urdak and their history with the Sentinels of Argent D'Nur and their long tradition of shit and the not-giving thereof, then suddenly, the game itself is the one projecting unnecessary meaning onto the dude who doesn't actually give a shit, and the joke is at the expense of the story-writers!

=== [[w:Half-Life: Alyx|Half-Life: Alyx]] ===
* It's odd to play a ''Half-Life'' game where the main character speaks and can tell the people around them to stop being such prannies, but it's still unmistakably ''Half-Life'', with its trademark monsters, linear narrative gameplay, and weird emotional tone. I mean, humanity has essentially been enslaved by the Borg, who systematically subject them to gory, nightmarish body horror, but everyone's really cheerful and yucking it up with their pet headcrabs. Yes, I know humans strive to be upbeat during a crisis, but there's this one very ''Resident Evil''-y chapter in Alyx where we have to sneak around an indestructible monster who's this hideously mutated human who will tear us apart if he finds us and looks to be in immense suffering, and then we're told that their name is Jeff, and everyone talks about him like he's the one asshole in the friend group who keeps hitting on waitresses. &quot;Oh, that Jeff; Jeff sucks.&quot; &quot;Hey, I trapped Jeff in a garbage compactor.&quot; &quot;Sucks to be Jeff!&quot; Sometimes, ''Half-Life'''s storytelling feels like what happens when an entire game has Asperger syndrome.

=== [[w:Resident Evil 3 (2020 video game)|Resident Evil 3]] ===
* I wasn't going to bring up the coronavirus thing again; I mean, the site's called &quot;The Escapist&quot;, not &quot;The Constant Reminders of Our Inevitable Hubristic Doom&quot;. Besides, it'll pretty seriously date the video in a month or two when the virus goes away forever and everything returns to normal and all the dead people come back to life and there's a rainbow. But now I have to talk about ''Resident Evil 3'', a game about society descending into chaos because of a viral pandemic. It could only have been less fortunately timed if the zombies ate toilet rolls instead of brains.
* I don't know if it's worth analysing for subtext of a game about a giant, muscular man refusing to leave alone an attractive, under-dressed lady and trying to penetrate her with his big, floppy willy of death; she is, at least, better-dressed than she was in the original, where she looked like an embarrassing single mother accompanying her daughter to a roller disco. But still, ''3-make'' sometimes gives me a ''Tomb Raider-make'' vibe when the amount of shit that gets kicked out of Jill Valentine starts to border on the fetishistic. No, I don't think I sound disingenuous when I get finger-waggy about this kind of thing; it's not like I jerked off to it more than once.

=== [[w:Animal Crossing: New Horizons|Animal Crossing: New Horizons]] ===
* ''Animal Crossing'' is an institution at this point, one that requires commitment, and as such I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who thinks they're ready to be committed to an institution. The setup this time around is that you and the predatory raccoon loan shark Tom Nook have come to a desert island wilderness in order to develop it into yet another wholesome capitalist paradise for animal-shaped random number generators. You know, the kind of setup where, if it were a film, you'd expect half the cast to be cannibalized by the end of act two, but don't worry, Tom Nook presumably massacred the native island population before we arrived. The process of developing the island largely entails for your part the transfer of ungodly amounts of Bells from you to Tom Nook's holdings account, and the usual ''Animal Crossing'' routine quickly sets in. You fish, you catch bugs, you acquire furniture, you sell it all to Tom Nook for money that you then use to pay off your loans to Tom Nook. It's the all-Tom Nook economy. When Tom Nook dies, this entire society will fucking collapse into anarchy where brightly coloured animal people shiv each other for pears.
* As for how ''New Horizons'' compares to previous incarnations, there's a greater sense in this one that the environment is growing and developing as time goes on. At first it's all tents and temporary housing, no shop, no museum and most of it's locked behind impassable rivers and cliffs, but with time, several large payments to Tom Nook and enough inevitable fucking crafting to soak up more PVA glue than any unsupervised schoolchild could consume in a lifetime you gradually turn this mysterious exotic wilderness into yet another Animal Crossing consumerist hellhole identical to the last one. ''Tom Nook is the living embodiment of the grey goo scenario!''

=== [[w:Final Fantasy VII Remake|Final Fantasy VII Remake]] ===
* If you saw the title &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake&quot;, and from the words &quot;Final Fantasy VII&quot; and &quot;Remake&quot; are now expecting a remake of the game Final Fantasy VII, then you might be disappointed; Final Fantasy VII Remake ends at the bit where you leave the first city, or about one-third of the way through the first disc of the original PS1 game, although it takes about forty more hours to get there, 'cos it's padded like an A-cup on School Picture Day. So there's been some contention over whether this is false advertising or a new take on the subject matter with better character exploration. I think a lot of this could've been cleared up if they'd titled the game &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake: Episode One&quot;. But maybe they didn't want to commit; I mean, at the rate they're going, by the time they get to the last episode, it'll probably get pushed back by the heat death of the universe. I hope they are doing more episodes, 'cos the plot, as it stands, is painfully unresolved; the bulk of what we get might as well be re-titled &quot;Cloud Strife vs. The Manic Pixie Dream Girls&quot;.
* I was having fun when I was in the gambling town and Cloud had to dress up as a lady and becomes somehow irresistible to men, despite looking like a frumpy Amish spinster who spent last night sleeping with her head in the feeding trough. But that's a cultural thing; I'm English, and therefore, the funniest things in the world to me are men dressing as ladies and the concept of social mobility.
* As for the combat, I was liking it up to a point. You attack, block, and dodge in real-time until you fill the meter, and then you get to pause to contemplate what special move would best exploit the enemy weaknesses; it felt like a nice way to balance the chaotic battling with thoughtful strategy. But over time, as the challenge ramps up, you need to rely more on your party members, and your party members are as much use as an anti-capitalist protester on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. I was wondering why they had so much trouble building up a single special move in the time it took me to get three special moves deep, and then I spotted the dude with the gun arm, old Mr. Introverted Japanese Person's Idea of What Black People Are Like, firing round after round into a nearby handrail. I have to keep taking over to show them how to do it; it's like teaching a room full of six-year-olds how to type! So once again, a hybrid combat system in a modern JRPG fails to convince me that its way is better than the old method of having the characters stand in a neat row and take it in turns; it might not have been spectacular, but it was a damn sight more polite.

=== Cloudpunk &amp; [[w:Streets of Rage 4|Streets of Rage 4]] ===
* Through a linear series of encounters with unique characters, ''Cloudpunk'' builds a well-realized world of human-A.I. tension, inequality, corporate oppression, and all the usual bollocks cyberpunk goes on about, and at various times, Rania has to make moral choices which have the usual long-term effect on the story, i.e., little, if any. But the story really falls flat for me around one major central point like a six-inch nail in a soufflé: I just don't like Rania as a character. She's come to this city she knows little about and openly hates from some kind of small nation of hipsters that you probably haven't heard of, but trust me, it's much better; half the characters she meets are obnoxious in some cartoonishly overdone way just so she can get all judge-y at them, and they keep foisting important missions and major life decisions onto her because they watched her drunkenly banging into lampposts and doing very unpleasant things to the handbrake for two minutes and decided she had the wisdom of the ages. I might've preferred ''Cloudpunk'' if it were ''Euro Cyber Truck Simulator'' and just had me randomly deliver stuff while I listened to podcasts, and it told its story more covertly through background details rather than make me sit and listen to what Rania thinks about something that's none of her sodding business.
* My problem with ''Shreets of Shrage Shfour'' is that it's a game designed for confident people; your devastating special moves cost health to use, but you get the health back if you can land the next few hits without getting hit yourself, meaning that you become more effective the more confidence you have in your skills, and I doubt that this is the arena for a breakthrough where several years of therapy and alcohol abuse has fallen short. But I'd replay the level enough times, memorize enough encounters, and dodge enough devastating enemy attacks by move-walking six inches downwards, and I'd eventually struggle through and defeat the boss, whereupon the status screen would usually very grandly award my performance a &quot;D&quot; rank, which is always a buzzkill; it's like I finally collapsed into my tent after a long day of successful Arctic exploration, whereupon one of the huskies trotted over and pissed on my head. And this was only Normal difficulty! Talk about a skill ceiling; this is the Sistine Fucking Chapel!

=== World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident ===
* If you enlightened viewers in the modern age of less blurry screenshots are seeing some eerie parallels between the Corrupted Blood incident and certain real life current events, you aren't alone! In fact, academics took an interest in the incident for what it might tell us about real-life pandemics, particularly the sociological effects. But others argued that it taking place in a video game with zero real-life consequences limited the usefulness of the data. After all, it's not like people in the real world would just casually blow off an official quarantine order when there’s honest to goodness life and death on the line. Dear me, ''no!'' And as for the people who'd get the infection and try to pass it to others deliberately, why that would require nothing less than a fundamental breakdown of education and governance. Surely people understand that there are no hard resets in real life... unless you count tactical nuclear strikes. Yes, I suppose this episode was more of a &quot;let's all laugh at a ''humanity'' that never learns anything, tee hee hee,&quot; but for me it's nice to see something confirmed that I could have told these academics at any time - that if they want a case study for the most irrational behaviour of which human beings are capable then a good place to start might be the people who willingly pay a monthly subscription to waste their free time scraping up imaginary Murloc bellends.

=== [[w:Desperados III|Desperados III]] ===
* You remember &quot;Cockup Cascade&quot;, right? The term I came up with for an unfortunate feature of many stealth action games where the slightest misstep means getting caught in a pile-on of escalating fuck-ups, so you might as well just reload the instant you get spotted? Well, Desperados III is the patron saint of Cockup Cascade; the cocks barely have a chance to come down again. The enemies all have visibility cones spread wider than your mum's legs when she hears a bottle opener, and you can only see one guard's cone at a time; on top of that, a lot of guards who look like they're staring straight ahead are, in fact, glancing back and forth like a nervous gazelle at a tennis match, covering an area the size of a conservatively-proportioned aircraft hangar. So half the time, you'll settle into the nice, long &quot;slitting a throat&quot; animation, and only then be informed that someone offscreen is looking at you from their table at a delightful Parisian-style street café on the surface of Mars. And thus, the cascade begins. Everyone on the map is alerted and rushes your position, more guards spawn in on top of the existing ones; it's like the fucking fight scene at the end of the original ''Casino Royale''. And while you do have a gun, you fire it once and then can't fire it again until you've remembered all the lyrics to &quot;The British Grenadiers&quot;, and your special power to pause the game and queue up your next few actions, at this point, provides nothing besides the chance to take a moment and really drink in just how completely fucked you are. So don't kid yourself about making a stand; you're just going to fucking quick-load. It's not so bad in the early game, but before long, levels are absolutely packed with enemies and overlapping patrol routes, and it turns into a sort of ultra-violent puzzle game, where the objective is to figure out the precise sequence of actions to pick off every enemy in ascending order of gregariousness, quick-saving with every inch of progress. An experience like untangling a huge ball of Christmas lights, turning it over and over, picking on loose bits, occasionally pulling on the wrong thing, getting electrocuted and making all the children scream.

=== [[w:The Last of Us Part II|The Last of Us Part II]] ===
* Here's the plot: protagonist of last game gets murdered by group seeking revenge for thing protagonist did in last game; adopted daughter of protagonist goes to group's home base to get double-backsy revenge, which happens to be in a really shitty holiday destination, and no, it didn't escape me that this is the same plot as ''[[w:Silent Hill 3|Silent Hill 3]]''. Now, Joel in the last game was a basically relatable gruff hairy dad learning to love again who made one very questionable decision at the end, but Ellie in Last of Us II seems to be of a mind that the best way to commemorate Gruff Hairy Dad would be to beat his &quot;questionable decision&quot; speed record as many times as possible. And already, I hear the same people who gave me shit about not liking the last game slithering out from behind the fridge to make the same argument: &quot;You're not supposed to like or agree with the characters! It's complex and challenging drama!&quot; Yeah, thanks, Professor; I got we weren't supposed to be entirely on Ellie's side around the Dr. Sniffybum incident. But the message is muddled by everyone in Ellie's conventionally attractive mumblecore support group assuring her that revenge is the tops and totally justified, and the villains' equivalent act of revenge against Joel for doing something a lot worse was totally not justified because they hadn't had nearly enough screen time. Which is presumably why, just as the plot is starting to look like it's wrapping up, the game suddenly flashes back and makes us play as the main villain for way, ''way'' too fucking long: to show that, ooh, they have redemptive qualities as well and, from their perspective, Ellie is basically a less eloquent Jason Voorhees.
*  Can I do a spot of disabusing here? The kind I always have to do whenever they put out a DAVID CAGE game, or anything else presenting a façade of dramatic depth? The following things do ''not'' make a character deep or compelling: 1.) Getting hurt a lot (Looking at you, ''Tomb Raider'' reboot.); 2.) Being sad; 3.) Doing morally questionable things; and we might as well tack on 4.) Being a member of a minority, just 'cos I've already given up hope for this video's comment section. What does matter is the characters at least be interesting to watch, and these aren't; the banter between Ellie and her girlfriend as they adventure together sizzles like a flask of slightly tepid water because they're too similar in personality, background, and motivation to have good chemistry. But the most important thing is growth. Walker in ''Spec Ops: The Line'' slowly becomes a monster as he's twisted by the constant backfiring of his good intentions, and that's why it's compelling; Ellie has no character development. Villain Lady does, a little bit, for stupid reasons, along the lines of suddenly realizing that the enemy faction she's been genociding unquestioned for months are also human beings with families and would rather not be genocided, thanks, but Ellie just sets out to do something shitty and remains a shitty person; in fact, the game keeps droning on for about two hours after you think it's finally ending just to continue establishing Ellie's shittiness!

=== [[w:Google Stadia|Stadia]] ===
* So while the general quality could be a problem, I fear the main one, my little velvet fucksocks, is games. I know, it's such a bore, isn't it, having to sucker people into a subscription service ''and'' provide them content? It's like, running a dairy farm would be so much easier if you didn't have to keep feeding the cows and making sure they don't die and shit. Right now, there's just a limited selection of AAA titles that everyone stops talking about around the same time they stopped talking about Russia annexing the Ukraine, and as for the all-important exclusives, there's little more than what meager scraping of indie titles could be snuck out of the Epic Store's shopping basket.

=== [[w:Ghost of Tsushima|Ghost of Tsushima]] ===
* It's official; you're getting too old if you can remember any of the following: Jerry O'Connell, pop music where they don't sing like they just banged their foot on a coffee table, and tentpole games by Western AAA developers being capable of more than one genre. I'm ''so fucking sick'' of open world stealth action games with crafting and collectibles! Remember when ''Far Cry'' was a shooter, ''Tomb Raider'' was a precision platformer, and ''God of War'' was a high-octane hack and slash? All of them have now been pulled into open world stealth action with crafting and collectibles, like paper boats to an open sewer. I'm ''so fucking bored'' of squatting in a bush like a hiker who didn't go before he left, of having to nose around every shelf and drawer hoovering up crafting materials so I might one day make a new man-purse that can hold more than four paper clips. So if you're waiting for the next electrifying sea change in AAA games, ''Ghost of Tsushima'' ain't it, mate. It's the same shit with new wallpaper; nice wallpaper, granted. None of your &quot;default Sims house&quot; rubbish; this is the classy stuff you put behind a respected historian in a documentary about the Renaissance, but wallpaper nonetheless. Felt like I should put that up front, along with this: the standard crafting resource in this game is &quot;supplies&quot;, and every time I saw that word while on shelf safari, I'm ashamed to admit I kept thinking about a very racist joke I once heard about a Chinese person at a birthday party.
* The combat felt a lot better some ways into the game, after you unlock a few different stances, as it turns out that certain stances are very specifically intended for use against certain enemies, and if you're using the wrong stance, you might as well be dusting off their health bar with a pastry brush. So the combat is better once you've unlocked the things that make it work, almost like they should've been unlocked from the start, but no, everything has to be unlocked through one of the nine different upgrade systems, because that's what the template says to do, and we outsourced all our independent thought to Eastern Europe.
* All the cherry-picked good bits in the world can't separate ''Ghost of Tsushima'' from the usual issues of committee-driven big-money development. Yes, there's some great Kurosawa-esque boss fights, but there's also an optional grainy black-and-white video filter named &quot;Kurosawa Mode&quot;, which is the sort of idea that probably sounded cool to a committee room full of Danish pastry-fueled sub-producers, but in practice comes across a mite flippant.

=== Carrion &amp; Beyond a Steel Sky ===
* I'm most let down by [''Beyond a Steel Sky'''s] visuals. It's got that ''Borderlands''-y &quot;cel-shaded but in an open relationship and can still see other graphical styles&quot; thing that looks like arse and chips, and the animation is very jank; every time the engine has to none-too-subtly glide Foster into place to interact with something, it's like he's standing on a tea tray on a string. The real tragedy here is that, back in the days of 2D art and animation, Revolution Software were fucking killing it! ''Beneath a Steel Sky'', ''Broken Sword''; for their time, they were like tongue kisses for the eyeballs. Then, suddenly, they decided they had to do 3D graphics like everyone and their greengrocer and it was like a master violinist feeling like they had to take up the ukulele. I mean, fuck me, Dave Gibbons worked on ''Beneath a Steel Sky''! A really good 2D artist; the artist of ''Watchmen'', for fuck's sake! They brought him back on for this one, and then did most of the game in 3D; that's like hiring Professor Stephen Hawking to make YouTube essays about how Rey should've porked Finn.

=== [[w:Fall Guys|Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout]] ===
* One time, I was in the final round, and someone got declared the winner when everyone else was still halfway up the hill; don't tell me people are actually ''hacking'' this fucking game, or finding physics exploits? That's like rigging up a sophisticated concealed vacuum device to cheat at ''Hungry Hungry Hippos''; seems like a lot of misplaced effort to win something that other people win fairly reliably just by flinging themselves at the controls for long enough.

=== [[w:Spiritfarer|Spiritfarer]] ===
* And I thought it might be educational to list some things [''Spiritfarer''] ''didn't'' do to grab me, Games Industry.  It ''didn't'' put out a pre-rendered trailer six years before release showcasing all its crazy characters with magenta-colored partial buzzcuts.  It ''didn't'' use an aggressive leveling system to increase engagement the way a drug dealer &quot;increases engagement&quot; by cutting the blow with laundry detergent.  And: It doesn't have Batman in it!  No.  What it did was: It made me emotionally engage with it.  I play a game like ''Gears of War'', where I'm in constant life-or-death struggle with snarling monsters that want to exterminate humanity, and I'm more emotionally engaged with the cheese and pickle sandwich I'm taking sneaky bites of between reloads.  It kills off a main character; I feel more remorse when my wife notices pickle stains on the dog.  In contrast, I played ''Spiritfarer,'' got to the part where an old hedgehog with dementia remembers who I am in the brief moment before she disappears, ''and I cried.''  (I actually did; fuck you.)
* We play as Stella, a constantly smiling young girl with a hat slightly larger than she is, and a second player can optionally play as Stella's cat.  &quot;I'll take Completely Unnecessary Multiplayer Modes for 200, Alex.  Ooo!  'What is ''Mario Odyssey?'''&quot;
* I'd also group ''Spiritfarer'' with ''Gris'' and ''Sea of Solitude'' under the sub-heading of very-metaphorical-arty-indie-games.  But here's how it doesn't fuck it up, like those two did.  One: It never beats you around the head with its underlying meaning  ...''Sea of Solutude.''  Two:  It has a deeper and more poignant underlying meaning than, &quot;Main character is a bit sad&quot;  ...''Gris.''  Three:  It treats its gameplay as a way to establish its themes and add greater weight to its emotional moments, rather than a bunch of meaningless checkpoint flags to fill the space between the metaphors  ...''Gris'' '''and''' ''Sea of Solitude.''  And Four:  Meta-meta-phor.  The main point is:  ''Spiritfarer'' has both underlying and surface meaning.  If you want, you can forget all about the metaphor business.  I'm certainly fucking sick of saying the word.  If you want, it can just be a story about a little girl on a magical adventure, making a bunch of animal friends, hanging out, doing their side-quests, hugging them with the dedicated &quot;hug&quot; button, ''then'' icing them in the woods.  And then you feel sad because you're actually sad about never getting to see your friend again -- not because there's a huge symbolic statue of the main character ''telling'' you to be sad  ...''Gris!  Again!''

=== [[w:No Straight Roads|No Straight Roads]] and [[w:Battletoads (2020 video game)|Battletoads]] ===
* Sometimes, I like to picture game developers watching these videos. &quot;Ooh, look, everyone! That weirdo on the Internet did one of ours! Let's all gather 'round to good-naturedly laugh off his exaggerated criticism and bask in the occasional qualified praise. Come on, Steve! Bob! Fiona! Adolf! Lionel! Big Smelly Janet!&quot; I wonder if the developers of ''Battletoads'' are doing that now? Well, developers of ''Battletoads'', here's the thing: I hate your game. In fact, I don't think I've ever realized I hated a game quite as fast as I realized I hated yours. I'm trying to avoid swearing here, so you understand how totally sincere I am when I say I played five or six levels into ''Battletoads'' and decided I would rather spend the afternoon cleaning out the shower drains. But hey, I don't hold it against you; at least it didn't waste my time, and I've got a really clean shower now.

=== [[w:Avengers (2020 video game)|Marvel's Avengers]] ===
* You know, Robert Downey Jr. deserves more praise for his portrayal of Tony Stark in the Marvel movies; yes, I know he's made more money than a glazier in the Gaza Strip, but he did a really quite impressive job playing a character who could be simultaneously abrasive, charismatic, and sympathetic. I was thinking about this while watching Tony Stark as portrayed in ''Marvel's Avengers'', Square Enix's new, shiny chrome-plated hamster wheel for the micropayment masses, because if all of his dialogue lines had been cut out and been replaced by Tony Stark getting clipped around the ear by whoever was standing closest to him, then that would've earned the game at least another star. It's still confusing to me that this game that is obviously trying to crib off the success of the Marvel movies deliberately replaced all the leads with their poorly-received spinoff low-budget TV show versions, but maybe it's easier on the kiddies this way; they don't have to watch their heroes repeating an infinite cycle of copy-pasted combat missions and resource grinds and ask their parents, &quot;Mummy, why is Iron Man trapped in a hypothetical tenth layer of Dante's Hell?&quot;
* ''Marvel's Avarvels'' puts an almost admirable degree of effort into not resembling a live service game for some ways into the campaign. [...] These first few missions mostly play like running down one corridor after another, but hey, they're nice corridors; there's an actual story focus, and at the end of some of the corridors, there's colorful boss fights against Marvel supervillains like Taskmaster (registered trademark) and Abomination (registered trademark). But then the live service shit starts insidiously to creep in. [...] The lovely, approachable face flakes off bit by bit to reveal the cold, eyeless skull underneath. &quot;You unlocked the confusingly laid-out mission hub area! You unlocked the gear-crafting station! The cosmetic-crafting station! The faction missions! The storage lockers! Your next mission objective is to talk to all the gear vendors; ''we will literally hold up the plot until you fucking do that!''&quot; And every single one of them has a line of dialogue specifically designed to guilt you if you leave without buying anything. &quot;Oh, you don't want any new emotes? Welp, better tell the kids that it'll be sawdust porridge for dinner again.&quot; Then all those story-focused corridor missions are replaced by missions in which you go to one of a handful of pocket sandboxes, are directed to a specific location, and all the way there, copy-pasted side objectives appear all around us like we're dodging mortar shells in fucking no man's land. &quot;There's a treasure box nearby! There's a group of bland copy-pasted enemies nearby! Why not kill them before you kill the group of bland copy-pasted enemies you actually came here to deal with?&quot; It's like being trapped in the IKEA showroom when all you want is a fucking egg whisk!

=== [[w:Hades (video game)|Hades]] ===
* Ah, ancient mythology: the wonderful gift from our ancestors that ensures pretentious writers will never be shy of a free idea bucket. Hey, is there any reason we can't make up more mythology? Like, if I wanted to invent Maurice, the God of Consumer Electronics, or Rumblecrag, the God of Small Utensils That Get Jammed in the Kitchen Drawer; can I do that, or do I have to paint them on a vase and wait a thousand years for it to count? Video games have always gotten a lot of mileage out of mythology, but it's disappointing how it only ever seems to fall back on either Greek or Norse. I already know way too much about Greek and Norse mythology; why don't you ever make games about Zoroastrianism? I don't know anything about Zarathustra; I know that he spake once.
* Hades is about Zagreus, the son of the titular deity, who has gotten sick of kicking around the depths of Tartarus playing ''Halo'' - and very deliberately pretending not to notice the pamphlets of vocational schools his dad rather unsubtly keeps leaving on the coffee table - and so he decides to pull what's known as the &quot;reverse Orpheus&quot; and journey out of the Underworld for the first time in his life. &quot;And there's nothing you can do to stop me, Dad!&quot; &quot;Um, I literally rule over legions of immortal warriors with nothing to do all day but try to stop you, Zagreus.&quot; &quot;Shut up! You never bought me a car!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time|Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time]] ===
* It must feel weird when somebody else makes a sequel to your franchise, like when the babysitter insists on being called &quot;Mummy&quot;; it must be doubly weird when you thought your franchise died years ago and the babysitter has just shown up at your door in the dead of night with a shovel and a weird smile. I think it's fair to say that ''Crash Bandicoot'' didn't exactly leave loose ends untied. It wasn't the fucking ''Wheel of Time''; it was pretty thoroughly explored out as a concept. You don't bring out a fucking kart racing tie-in game when you can't see the bottom of the idea bucket. And yet, here comes Toys for Bob twenty years down the line, clutching its big, shiny shovel going, &quot;Don't worry, Naughty Dog! We will continue the great work in the original spirit you intended!&quot; And meanwhile, Naughty Dog moved on years ago, and are now more concerned with making terribly serious and important games about very unpleasant people fucking each other on smallpox blankets.
* The main problem that has always stuck out of fixed-camera 3D platformers like a traumatically botched nipple piercing is depth perception; sure, Crash Bandicoot gets a nice obvious shadow under him, but why doesn't anything else? So if I'm trying to land on a hovering crate or enemy, I'm once again playing bottomless pit Russian roulette. If you're going to demand consistent perfection from me, it'd be nice if the mechanics could be fucking consistent in return, is me point. Tawna's unique mechanic is a grappling hook gun (because of course it fucking is), but it's contextual, and more than once, I was in midair and the grapple prompt apparently decided I was a couple of nanometers off for its tastes, and so I was cordially invited to eat shit. &quot;Man,&quot; I thought, &quot;if I'd been going for the 'no deaths' run, then I'd be frothing like a poorly supervised coffee machine right about now; fortunately, I long ago came to terms with my own mediocrity, as, it seems, have most of my viewership!&quot;

=== [[w:Amnesia: Rebirth|Amnesia: Rebirth]] ===
* Minor spoiler alert: one of the central plot elements concerns a couple trying for a second child, which I suppose you might call a &quot;rebirth&quot;, if you're a robot from space. It's just about the only rebirth on offer, as rebirth implies evolution, and this is mainly a return to the gameplay of the first ''Amnesia: The Dark Descent'' in that it actually has some gameplay; you explore spooky environments while using your limited supply of oil and matches to minimize the amount of time you spend in pitch darkness, where you run the risk of suffering a major trouser accident and lethally bankrupting yourself with dry cleaning expenses, and you have to balance all that while solving inventory puzzles and hiding from gribblies, which it turns out you're only in actual danger from about 5% of the time. But you don't know which 5%! Wooo! And of course, there's still that trademark Frictional Games physics interaction where you open doors by clicking the mouse and then moving the mouse and realizing you should've moved it the other way, dumb twat. None of which should be a deal-breaker if you did like the original ''Amnesia''; this game even features the triumphant return of the jam that comes out of the walls. But at the same time, ''Dark Descent'' is ten years old; it'd be in middle school by now, swapping its asthma inhaler for ''Pokémon'' cards. It was one of the progenitors of the first-person atmospheric survival horror mystery subgenre that has since evolved to new heights with games like ''Resident Evil 7'' and ''P.T.'', and simultaneously devolved into new shit-smeared depths with the 900 million horror walking simulators out there that still think that the door you just came in now leading to somewhere else like we're in Willy Wonka's fucking chocolate factory is the height of clever mindfucks, and ''Rebirth'' hasn't really moved with the times in either direction. I think it's on the same engine as ''Dark Descent''; it's certainly quite graphically dated. And the physics are still rife with issues; it'll stop you dead in the middle of walking just because it's scandalized by the sheer audacity with which you're attempting to navigate a gentle slope with a small cardboard box on it.
* I can tell from my pristine trousers that the monsters just don't command the same terror that they did in ''Dark Descent''. Probably because in this case, you get a good look at them enough times that you can see they're just generic zombie dudes, and suspense only lasts as long as the mysterious, snarly thing lurking in the dark could be anything from a gelatinous cube to a hungover Orson Welles. The general problem is one of demystification, I think. In ''The Dark Descent'', we only learn scrips and scraps about an evil Lovecraftian other dimension that's causing all the problems, but in ''Amnesia: Recalcitrant'', Tasi gets to physically go to one; in fact, she pops in and out of it every ten minutes like she's never quite convinced that she locked the doors properly the last time she was there. At one point, she takes the public subway train in the evil Lovecraftian dimension and misses her stop because the map was confusing. No, really, this happens; it's one of the things that draws out the run-time like your mum's waistband at the cock buffet.

=== [[w:Watch Dogs: Legion|Watch Dogs: Legion]] ===
* I do think there's a lot of fun to be had with ''Watch Dogs: Legion''; it's just that a lot of it might be at the game's expense. Its expansive array of systems and dodgy A.I. mean that it's got a lot of potential for finding your own entertainment, probably more so than most Ubisoft sandboxes. As I said, the lack of strong characterization does hurt the story - I mean, I'm pretty sure most real people would respond to complete strangers asking them to join their &quot;best-friends-no-oppressive-regimes-allowed&quot; treehouse club with either bafflement or a faceful of commercial-grade pepper spray - but it does mean it's easier to amuse yourself by making up your own stories for your characters. The game forces you to recruit a construction worker as part of the tutorial, and I ended up using that dude to complete the final mission, because fuck, from token member hired only 'cos we wanted to play on his rideable drone to champion of the resistance; this dude's had a motherfucking arc! Also, for the sake of extra challenge, I decided that he refuses to use any form of transport other than riding on top of double-decker buses, because of a childhood trauma involving a model train set and a crab. Also, he strictly avoids violence while on missions because the sight of blood reminds him of Cheltenham F.C., and when combat is required, he defers to his teammate, Crazy Mildred the Elderly Nail Gun Murderer, who has to knock down every lamppost she sees to raise awareness of child leukemia, and who wears a... ''really'' stupid hat.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Valhalla|Assassin's Creed Valhalla]] ===
* Ah, Vikings. Who doesn't like Vikings? &quot;English monasteries?&quot; Oh, right. &quot;Anyone who's ever been forced to listen to Norwegian black metal?&quot; Yes, thank you. The point was, in the games industry, it seems to be only a matter of time before you go full Viking. ''God of War'' did it; ''Assassin's Creed'' are doing it; that new ''Elden Ring'' thing that FromSoftware are doing isn't strictly full Viking, I know, but it's definitely giving it some funny looks. Fair play to Assassin's Creed; it held out longer than a lot of series would. I mean, it did the fucking American War for Independence before it did Vikings; that's like forcing yourself to eat all the party napkins before you can have any of the birthday cake. But there's no putting off going full Viking forever; it's one of the points on the graph: ninjas, pirates, Vikings, and I guess maybe cowboys. Hey! Is that a Ubisoft drone? Oh shit, it's taking notes. Sorry, everyone; don't know how they keep getting in here. If they announce ''Assassin's Creed Deadwood'' next year, I guess you can all blame me.
* The initial spark of getting to play a burly Viking can't be sustained through the subsequent 40 hours of trudging through mud and dealing with political squabbles between people dressed in earth tones in the name of ''Assassin's Creed'''s trademark historical accuracy. I was getting sniffy about the ethical ramifications of monastery-pillaging earlier, but if anything, the game should've learned more into that; let us tear shit up, swinging a giant &quot;fucketh-off&quot; hammer as our muscles bulge like mating walruses, and seduce all the hot monk chicks away from their inadequate monk boyfriends. It's this &quot;trying to hit all the points at once&quot; thing that muddles the tone, trying to make out like we're some kind of freedom fighter while we laughingly set all the pigsties ablaze and hunt down the usual laundry list of Templars that we are assured are evil, but who seem to be mostly minding their own fucking business.

=== [[w:Spider-Man: Miles Morales|Spider-Man: Miles Morales]] ===
* Peter Parker takes under his wing a freshly spider-powered-up Miles Morales and swiftly forces him to use the same codename and wear the same outfit, which, let's be blunt, is a bit weird and narcissistic and not a little gatekeeper-y. Peter Parker goes on his holidays and leaves his new Mini-Me to defend the city alone, but Miles finally proves worthy of Peter's crusty Spider-Man pajamas when half the people he knows turn out to be supervillains. Turns out you can only make it as a supervillain in New York if you've been to at least three of Spider-Man's birthday parties; nepotism, I call it. These days, Spider-Man probably gets more thrown if supervillains DON'T turn out to be someone he knows; he wrestles them to the ground and the mask falls off, and he goes, &quot;&lt;GASP!&gt; No, it can't be! I have no idea who you are!&quot;

=== [[w:Cyberpunk 2077|Cyberpunk 2077]] ===
* [''Cyberpunk 2077'' is] the hot new immersive sim conveniently, if unimaginatively, named after its genre; the genre of choice for people who hate capitalism, but love looking like a member of Dead or Alive after they stepped on a landmine. I say &quot;immersive sim&quot;; I feel that description hinges on the game being, in some way, immersive. I was playing the Steam version, which might more accurately be termed a &quot;buggier than a party sub that got left on the floor of a motel bathroom&quot; sim. The bugs were ceaseless; mostly non-game-breaking animation fuckups and voice lines not playing, but every now and again, I'd have to reload a save because I accidentally crossed a cutscene trigger while grabbing an enemy, and I'd come back from the loading screen with my head jammed up their arse, like the result of some Cronenberg-esque teleportation accident. It's a shame, because when I looked up at the dizzying neon towers of Night City, and the crowds of NPCs where no two were the same, and they're all uniquely dressed in some way like a cross between a character from ''LazyTown'' and a Cenobite, I thought to myself, &quot;Man, this game would probably be really immersive if my trousers hadn't just turned invisible again!&quot;

=== [[w:Bugsnax|Bugsnax]] and [[w:Super Meat Boy Forever|Super Meat Boy Forever]] ===
* Ah, 2020: the Jimmy Savile of years; only after its passing can we take stock and truly appreciate the flood of hushed-up sexual assault accusations.
* You know, every time I take a stab at summarizing ''Bugsnax'', I feel like something important has been left out; it's like writing a real estate profile for a nuclear bunker on Mars where eleven people died of asbestos poisoning. If I were to say &quot;It's a first-person adventure sort of thing where you come to a hidden island full of mysterious creatures that are all a hybrid of an insect and an item of snack food like a fucking bag of chips with wings and shit, and there's influence from ''Pokémon'' 'cos they all have a cutesy hybrid name that is the only thing they can say and catching them is the main gameplay activity, but unlike ''Pokémon'', you don't battle them; you just watch them get mercilessly devoured as they scream their own names in distress,&quot; even that summary fails to mention the significant fact that all the sentient characters in the game are furry puppet monsters that look like novelty butt plugs based on ''Sesame Street'' characters. &quot;Oh, so it's a kids' game, Yahtz?&quot; I ''DON'T'' KNOW! It's bright and colourful, and none of the characters would look out of place flogging nutritionally bankrupt breakfast cereals, but at the same time, all the characters have these fairly complex, adult relationship issues, with several overtly established to be banging their featureless furry midsections together. And besides that, I get a faintly sinister vibe as I watch the adorable ''Bugsnax'' disappear into the cheerful gullets of big-toothed furry monsters with an upsetting crunching sound, and then one of the monster's limbs turns into a Snickers or whatever, which adds a little sprinkling of body horror to the mix; it's like ''Fraggle Rock'' as directed by David Cronenberg.

=== [[w:Hitman_3|Hitman 3]] ===
* [These] so-called &quot;mission stories&quot; are, frankly, the worst parts of the game; I think that's the revelation I finally came to after speeding through all the missions, getting hand-held through a linear sequence of objectives where I follow my intended victim around for a while until the moment they say, &quot;All security guards, leave the room so I can have some alone time with my new best pal. Would you like to admire my new pit full of rotating knives? I thought it would make a nice centerpiece.&quot; It feels like Mum and Dad doing our homework for us, and it makes the bottom drop out of all the tension and immersion, especially since they very often hinge on Agent 47 disguising himself as someone famous or who the victim has already met, rather than a random background employee, and them somehow not noticing that this person they know is suddenly built like a gravedigger's shovel leaning on a tombstone and keeps responding to direct questions with veiled references to being an assassin. &quot;Can I tell you a secret?&quot; &quot;Oh, I guarantee it won't leave this room.&quot; &quot;Do you recommend the soup?&quot; &quot;I'd have to say it's... to DIE for.&quot; &quot;Blimey, my verrucas are playing up!&quot; &quot;Perhaps you'd like to LIE DOWN... after I murder you completely to death?&quot; Yeah, it was funny the first couple of times, but when it's pretty much the same routine for every mission story, things get a bit silly, and at odds with the story's tone when the cutscenes are full of slick behind-the-scenes manipulators controlling the world through growly phone conversations in huge, twilit offices, and then you meet them in gameplay, and they're standing over the shark tank at SeaWorld demonstrating their new line of tuna-flavored aftershave.
* I think ''Hitman'' finally clicked for me after I made the conscious effort to resist my usual instinct; that is, play through to story end as fast as possible and then use the rest of the work week to practice throwing chocolate raisins into the air and catching them in my mouth. No, this time, I decided I would go back to the missions and embrace the sandbox malarkey by inventing my own assassinations; switch from the strict musical education to improvised jazz, as it were, and often with equally disastrous results, because ''Hitman'' gameplay is still a slave to the Cockup Cascade. There's often no way of knowing if strangling a dude to the ground and ripping his trousers off is going to be out of view of his mates until you try, and they all spin around and act like they caught you shitting on the carpet; it's a lot like shitting on the carpet because even if you get caught, you've got no choice but to finish doing it while furiously maintaining eye contact.
* Generally, I was having a lot more fun seeking opportunities rather than being handed them by the mission stories; shame you kind of have to do a mission story on your first attempt, 'cos these environments are really dense and sprawly, and with no direction, it's like looking for the one un-horrifying toilet cubicle at a BART station. You have to play a mission a few times and get a lay of the land before you can start really having fun with planning custom assassinations, and that means immersion takes another fatal hit.  I mean, you don't get second tries in real life; Lee Harvey Oswald couldn't run up and go, &quot;Sorry, I was going for no alerts; could we scoop your brains back up and have another crack?&quot;

=== [[w:The_Medium_(video_game)|The Medium]] ===
* You know what, Konami? I don't even care about ''Silent Hill'' anymore; you make all the pachinko machines and arcade shooters and Pyramid Head-shaped suppository kits you like. I loved ''Silent Hill'' once, but you know what? Getting us attached to name franchises is how they get you; that's why Disney can sell haunted Zyklon B canisters just by sticking C-3PO on the front. I don't want a new ''Silent Hill''; I want interesting, new horror games that benefit from ''Silent Hill'''s influence. I like bands influenced by Nirvana, but I wouldn't like it if they nailed Kurt Cobain's body to the front of the drum kit.
* This might sound weird, but it took me a while to figure out that this fixed-camera survival horror game with a gloomy atmosphere about exploring both a decrepit real world and an identically laid-out scary netherworld that looks like it's made primarily out of ham was supposed to be ''Silent Hill''-inspired; talk about missing the otherworld for the crucified bodies on spikes. I guess I just wasn't picking up the same vibe; it reminded me more of ''Dark Seed'', that old point-and-click adventure game about exploring an H. R. Giger-designed parallel dark world as the protagonist struggles to overcome the horror of their mustache. ''Silent Hill'' feels organic and visceral and wet; ''The Medium'' felt more dead and dusty and as dry as a newlywed Baptist who doesn't believe in foreplay.
* ''The Medium'' has good visual design and atmosphere, but I wasn't thinking about those during my suddenly much freer afternoon; I was wondering why &quot;violent ballistic death&quot; leapt that quickly to the top of Marianne's proposed solutions list. Just felt really out of nowhere; failure of characterization, I suppose. The suicide ending made sense in ''Spec Ops: The Line'', and ''Silent Hill 2'', and my last school reunion.

=== [[w:Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood|Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood]] ===
* ''WereThePocBlood'' concerns Cahal, a gruff, hairy dad who looks like the breakout character from a popular reality TV series about gay motorcycle repairmen; he is a werewolf in a setting that's basically the premise of ''[[w:Captain Planet and the Planeteers|Captain Planet]]'', except with werewolves instead of diverse, go-getting teenagers, and where all issues are resolved by turning into a monster and tearing the enemy to coleslaw instead of summoning a demigod far too smug for someone wearing tiny red pants. I mean, the writing's certainly about as complex as ''Captain Planet'', pointlessly excessive gore aside, because it mainly centers around an evil polluting corporation who are ravaging the Earth, not for wealth or to meet the needs of an ever-growing, ever-complacent humanity, but because they are being literally controlled by an evil monster and are actively trying to destroy the world. So yeah, the story's about as nuanced as hammering a six-inch nail through your forehead.
* All janky design and dull, repetitive levels aside, it just feels like a game really at odds with itself. &quot;Well, how would you fix it, Yahtz?&quot; Well, I'd have added some kind of consequence for using Frenzy Mode too much, like reduced XP or a bad ending. Or, focused on cathartic combat and chucked the humanity-questioning stuff in the recycle bin. Oh, wait! Even quicker solution: chuck the whole fucking game in the recycle bin and play something else! &quot;Be serious, Yahtz.&quot; Sorry; I meant to say &quot;compost bin&quot;.

=== [[w:Little Nightmares II|Little Nightmares II]] ===
* Longtime viewers will know we've had a lot of fun here at the Zero Punctuation Combination Waterslide Park/Sewage Treatment Facility with the running gag that virtually every arty indie game is basically about a small child being lost in a scary world, probably because they're frequently made by tech nerds new to the industry, having to face the fact that it might finally be time to get a real job and figure out how to do their own laundry. Which also explains why the games are usually highly unsubtle metaphors for something from the standard list of tech nerd mental health issues: anxiety, depression, isolation, the fact that nice girls don't want to touch them. In the past, I've occasionally stretched the criteria for &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to include indie games like ''Bastion'', ''Braid'', and ''Ori and the Blind Forest'' in order to continue claiming to be right, in my adorably small-minded way, but absolutely no stretching is necessary for this week's subject; oh, dear me, no! ''Little Nightmares'' wears &quot;small child, scary world&quot; like a set of custom-fit pajamas, throws a big, comfortable duvet of oppressive atmosphere over itself, and goes to sleep. It uses all the tropes, even the really on-the-nose ones like &quot;main character wears a hooded coat&quot; and &quot;soundtrack featuring sad children singing like the evil landlord just sold all their gruel vouchers&quot;. I might go as far to say that it officially takes ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s crown as the ur-example of &quot;small child, scary world&quot;, since ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s pseudo-sequel Inside kind of gave it up when it transitioned from &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to &quot;GIBBER, GIBBER, NONSENSE, NONSENSE, WEETABIX WITH LEGS!&quot;
* [The] &quot;challenge&quot; aspect of the game is basically a sequence of traps where the objective is generally &quot;make exactly the right movements or die and start again&quot; which, in the abstract, is about as fun as playing ''Operation'' in a Parkinson's ward. There are chasey bits, where the monster catches up and stuffs you into a pita bread if you're not immediately sprinting in the right direction when it starts; there are combat-y bits, where you have to swing a melee weapon at precisely the moment an enemy is pouncing or get your head caved in on a floorboard; and stealthy bits, where you get spotted and eaten if you so much as startle a flatulent aphid, which leads to some moments having to be replayed and replayed, and dread gives way to boredom, gives way to anger, gives way to quitting, gives way to the right at a mini-roundabout. I don't know how one fixes this. It's the classic horror game paradox: the threat of sudden death is necessary for creating the feel of being a little ant postman trying to deliver mail to Mrs. Trapdoor Spider's house, but the moment that sudden death actually happens, all the tension disappears, and each subsequent death as you struggle to get past the challenge is like the game continuing to stab an already-stabbed balloon. I suppose, ideally, you'd want to design it so the player escapes by the skin of their teeth each time, but that's a tough balance, because some players have slower reflexes, or are trying to play while hiding behind the sofa cushions.

=== Breathedge ===
* It's the time of year when AAAs are put to bed to dream restless dreams of middling Metacritic ratings and rampaging seven-headed Twitch influencers, and we have to keep the nightlight on with midrange jank and the usual indie survive 'em ups. It's not that I dislike survival crafting as a genre; I just don't feel like it's taught me any practical survival skills. I head out to the wilderness, gather some wood and some stone, pack them together and tuck them under my scrotum for five seconds, and the result is not a makeshift axe, but an awkward conversation with my prostate specialist.
* This week, I've been playing an indie survival craft 'em up called &quot;''Breathedge''&quot;, which is ''Subnautica'', but in space. &quot;Why yes, I am that very thing, Yahtz; in fact, I contain multiple direct references to ''Subnautica'' to acknowledge its influence.&quot; You know, you're really sucking the fun out of dismissive know-it-all assholery, ''Breathedge''! But yes, take ''Subnautica'' and remove all the water so that nothing remains but cold, forbidding vacuum, and that's ''Breathedge''. And while you're at it, remove the interesting story and any particular reason to engage with its base-building mechanics-- Wait, I liked those! You removed too much, ''Breathedge''! &quot;Ooh, sorry; guess I'll fill in the gap with fourth wall-breaking humor that, over the course of the game, gradually, almost imperceptibly, moves over the line from amusing to insufferable.&quot;
* So it's definitely got that ''Subnautica''-brand majestic beauty crossed with terrifying hostility, like a sultry, attractive woman with the face of a giant spider. And one certainly gets the satisfaction that comes with getting near the end of the craft-explorey loop when you finally build your endgame rocket flip-flops or whatever that allow you to fully traverse the sandbox, at which point, the sultry, attractive woman still has the face of a spider, but now you're kind of into that because those pedipalps can do things to your prostate that will make your toes roll up like tubes of nearly-empty toothpaste. So those are the parts that ''Breathedge'' gets right. Ooh, there was some subtext in that last sentence, wasn't there, children? Did you spot it?
* You spend the majority of the game in the big survival sandbox, gradually expanding your capabilities until you acquire a working spaceship, and my assumption was that this was the next stage of expansion; I was going to be able to cruise around the sandbox in my new penis extension, go back to all those mean asteroids that once bullied me, and drive through a nearby puddle to humiliate them in front of their asteroid girlfriends. But no; all you can do with your new ship is fast-travel to another, entirely separate sandbox where there's space combat mechanics all of a sudden, and introducing combat at this stage is like giving us a Snickers where all the peanuts are crammed into the last two bites. Although, you don't even have to fight them, so it's more like all the peanuts are put in a little Ziploc bag and taped to the outside.
* This might be related to ''Breathedge'''s deliberate attempt at fourth wall-breaking subversive comedy, which, early on, I thought worked well and gave it a humorous edge that made it stand out in the garbage trawler that is indie survival craft 'em ups. But while a fourth wall break is surprising and funny, all subsequent fourth wall breaks is just waving your comedy hammer at empty air, and the omnipresent fast-talking A.I. narrator who flips back and forth between doing a comedy motormouth bit and just talking too fast 'cos they're not a very good voice actor really starts to grate when they constantly point out all the gags. &quot;Oh no! You can't get past here without crafting another piece of arbitrary bullshit! The developers, who are me, who are writing these words that I'm saying, must be trying to pad the gameplay out; what a bunch of scamps. Oh, look! It looks like something is about to happen! Oh, my goodness! The thing we were all expecting didn't happen the way we were expecting it! What a clever subversion on the part of the developers who are writing these words.&quot; See, there's poking fun at yourself, and then there's poking a finger so far up yourself, you can pull undigested Cheerios out of this morning's breakfast.

=== [[w:Persona 5 Strikers|Persona 5 Strikers]] ===
* I like the ''Persona'' series; I guess I'm just owning that now. I like the concept of a magic world formed from the subconscious minds of humanity so you can go into the head of someone you don't like and kick the furniture around until miniature chairs fly out of their ears. Come to think of it, I also liked ''Yakuza: Like a Dragon'', and ''Ni no Kuni II'' somewhat, and ''EarthBound'' and ''Chrono Trigger'' back in the day-- Dammit, do I actually like JRPGs, and I just hate reviewing them because I only have a week to play, and they've usually got runtimes inversely proportional to the length of all the female characters' booty shorts? Hang on, let me stare at this anime character for a bit. Hmmm... Nope, still looks like the grotesque offspring of an inflatable sex doll and a three-point electrical socket.
* Don't expect to keep up if you haven't played through ''Persona 5'', 'cos the gang's all here from the outset: Sporty Spice, Scary Spice, Posh Spice, Arty Spice, Model Spice, Hacker Spice, er... Cat Spice, and lest we forget, Protagonist Spice. Is it me, or is there a lot of dead weight in the Phantom Thieves? I suppose once you've watched someone awaken their Persona while dramatically screaming and ripping their face off and bursting into flames, probably a bit awkward at that point to say, &quot;Sorry, party's full, but we'll keep your résumé on file.&quot;
* In closing, I'd like to repeat something I once said about the ''Yakuza'' games: Isn't it odd how contemporary Japanese games always feel like they have to sell Japan as well? The way the Phantom Thieves stop at every tourist hotspot and have many prolonged scenes of them scarfing down the local cuisine, it's like the game's designed for foreign tourists! Maybe it's just the difference in culture standing out more to me as an outsider, but it feels like if every game set in America had characters going, &quot;Oh boy! I can't wait to go to McDonald's for one of our famous Big Macs, and then go down to the Walmart and watch the traditional running of the shitheads!&quot;

=== Harvest Moon: One World ===
* Okay, I looked this up, and I think I've got the details square: The popular and influential Japanese cutesy farming sim franchise ''Farm Story'' was published by Natsume in the West under the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;; in 2014, the developer switched publishers, and its games have since been released in the West under the name &quot;''Story of Seasons''&quot; because Natsume reserved the rights to the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot; so that they could make their own rival cutesy farming games and call them &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;, because they assume those fat, ignorant Westerners have reservoirs of cream gravy instead of brains and won't know the difference. Well, just dip a biscuit in my skull, because I tried out the new ''Harvest Moon'' on Switch. I enjoyed ''Harvest Moon'' back on the SNES and have clocked in enough hours in ''Stardew Valley'' to raise an actual child or moderately-sized dog, so I was curious to see in precisely what manner Natsume was buggering the franchise's reputation over a feeding trough; quite heartily, it turns out. 
* ''Harvest Moon: One World'' is the game, and while it seems to have had some noble intention to sprinkle a little more adventure into the concept so you're not just waking up and urinating on potatoes day in, day out, in doing so, it loses sight of the core appeal of these games, and there's a general air of wrongness about the whole thing, which first started sinking in when it told me to go to the cave and mine some bronze ore. There's no such thing as &quot;bronze ore&quot;, you shitwits! It's an alloy; it doesn't occur naturally! It's like telling me to go harvest a cupcake bush.
* Anyway, as the one weirdo who still thinks crops grow from seeds, you are tasked by the Goddess of Spring (or someone like that) to travel the world and reintroduce the concept of growing things; and yes, every character in this game does come across as about as stupid as this premise. I mean, for fuck's sake, there are fruit-bearing trees everywhere! What did everyone think those were? Unusually taciturn people with very delicious haircuts? The reasonable question to ask at this point would be &quot;How does one combine a farming sim with a game about journeying around the world?&quot;; the one certainty about farms is that they kind of can't go anywhere. Well, shows how much you know, because this society that failed to develop agriculture has mastered miniaturization technology; you know, it's like when you play ''Civilization'' against someone who researches nuclear fission before they've discovered the wheel. Because of this, you can pack up all your farm buildings into a convenient package and go establish yourself at one of several predetermined spots throughout the world because this society has also failed to develop the concept of land ownership, apparently.
* [That's] it, really; I'd heard that Natsume was driving the ''Harvest Moon'' ice cream van smack into the animal shelter, and I suppose I was just curious to see the wreckage for myself and pick through it for salvageable orange Frooties. In the meantime, if, like me, you enjoy fantasizing about what it would be like to have actual manual skills, there's a new ''Story of Seasons'' coming this month that's probably the one worth holding out for. Or try the remake of the GBA one that's out on Steam; keyboard controls are a bit wonky, and it's hard to get a good sexual tension going when all the love interests are proportioned like Dora the Explorer, but that's just the companionable whiff of cow manure that drifts into the farmhouse kitchen, compared to ''One World'''s hundred-yard swim down the factory farm runoff pipe.

=== [[w:Evil Genius 2: World Domination|Evil Genius 2: World Domination]] ===
* There's a lot about base-designing that feels inefficient. You're supposed to designate areas as specific rooms, but I'm unclear on why my minions need a barracks, and a dining hall, ''and'' a break room, ''and'' an entirely separate kind of break room for replenishing mental health or something. That's what happens when you let the fuckers unionize, I suppose. Furniture for one kind of room can't go in any other kind of room, which makes no sense; would it really break the interior designer's heart to shove a fucking vending machine in the break room so my dudes don't have to trudge all the way to the dining hall for a Twix? And while we're on the subject, why can I only put fire extinguishers, guard posts, and staircases in rooms officially designated as &quot;corridors&quot;? I just wanted a fucking split-level food court! Also, why did I have to research the concept of a staircase?! Where was my evil genius educated, St. Bungalow's School for the Wheelchair-Bound?

=== Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town ===
* So after I reviewed ''Harvest Moon: One Star'' a few weeks back and said it was the imperfect Pod Person replica of the original franchise that got rejected for forgetting to glue its nose on properly, and that you should probably hold out for the new ''Story of Seasons'', I immediately realised, &quot;Oh, crunchy nut bugger-flakes, I've tied my hands on this one, haven't I?&quot; I've basically endorsed ''Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town'', sight unseen, so now I have to review it to make sure it doesn't leave skidmarks on the guest towels. After all, it's not like the original ''Harvest Moon'' developers are hoarding the secret formula for light farming sims like it's the recipe for Coke; you just need a twenty minute day cycle, a brace of anime hotties and an at best truncated idea of childbirth. Some of the original ''Harvest Moon''s were stinkers, like that one on the GameCube from the &quot;make everything look like we're viewing it through a coffee filter&quot; era of graphics that had all the visual charm of the top layer of scum on the pond behind the abattoir. If you want to know if ''Pioneers of Olive Drab'' is better than ''Harvest Moon: One Wank'', then yes, it is, but that's not much of a bar to clear.

=== [[w:Outriders (video game)|Outriders]] ===
* Blimey, I thought video games were supposed to be violent! I've been doing so little killing lately I'm becoming dangerously well-adjusted. Just look at my last few reviews: idle games, management games, farming sims, last night a stray cat came into my front garden and I didn't stomp it to death. High time for some good old fashioned mindless violence. And who better to provide it than People Can Fly, the developers behind ''Painkiller'', old-school boomer shooter from before old-school boomer shooters were wallpapering the fucking rumpus room, and more recently of ''Bulletstorm'', quirky tongue-in-cheek spectacle shooter that's like ''Gears of War'' trying desperately to loosen up at the office Christmas party. I can certainly trust them to provide a murder simulator that’s at least interesting to talk about and not another bloody multiplayer-focussed looter shooter with endless copy pasted bullet sponge baddies and a cover art depicting some smug people walking slowly towards the camera. Isn’t that right, People Can Fly? Yeah, I know ''Outriders'' is all of the things I just said! I was doing a little funny, wipe that puppy dog look off your face.
* ''Outriders''' blurb file says a couple of interesting things: firstly, that it can be completely enjoyed in single-player, which is always a wonderful excuse to test that claim. Does this mean you have an offline mode, ''Outriders''? &quot;Oho ho ho ho! It's good that we can still have fun, Yahtzee!&quot; Yes, might as well admit now that this will only be a review of the first four or five hours of ''Outriders'', 'cos most of the limited time I had to play it in, the servers stayed on about as reliably as an oversized sweater on a mischievous dog. I know we're all fucking jaded to games being always online these days, but maybe, as a favor to me, you could all go back to not being jaded just for a little bit? Burn down a few shrines to capitalism? How about one shrine to capitalism? And you don't even have to burn it; we can just piss in the letterbox.

=== [[w:It Takes Two (video game)|It Takes Two]] ===
* People often say to me &quot;Yahtzee, why is it that you avoid multiplayer games, and when will you let me off this red hot grating?&quot; Well, you know, it's just that I prefer playing games to relax and unwind at my own pace and not be disappointed once again by other people and their unwillingness to learn how to tap dance properly.
* The premise is, a married couple whose relationship is bottoming out so hard it's getting carpet burns inform their friendless, presumably homeschooled and probably on the spectrum daughter that they're getting divorced. Said daughter proceeds to cry on some dolls she made of her parents for Christ knows what reason and the parents' souls get magically transferred into the dolls. Blimey! Lucky she didn't cry into some bog roll or the sandwich she was eating; that would've been a bit Kafkaesque. The parents must then work together to find a way back to normal by navigating abstract puzzle platforming fantasy worlds based on aspects of their family home, which appears to have been about the size of Windsor fucking Castle. Harangued from start to finish by an omnipotent self-help book with a slightly racist accent whom you and the protagonists will swiftly want to murder. In fact, I'd have given the game's story more points if it had ended with the family finally coming together over a cheerful backyard book burning.

=== [[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]] ===
* Now, Resident Evil has had its ups and downs, in my view: mainly downs, and specifically two ups - ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''Resident Evil 7'' - and ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' is best summarized as what you'd get at the exact midpoint between those two games. So, from ''7'', we have the first-person gameplay that, again, feels like we're piloting a refrigerator box balanced on a Roomba, as well as essentially the same plot beat-for-beat: Ethan gets toyed with by family of psychos, kills them one-by-one, discovers something near the end that ties it to the overarching ''Resident Evil'' story, the way one ties the leash of a perfectly satisfactory dog to the front of a combine harvester. The only difference is the acreage. And from ''Resident Evil 4'', we take the gothic B-movie vibe, inventory system, quirky merchant character and associated weapon upgrade mechanics, and basically the whole setting: isolated village in open-quotes &quot;Europe&quot;. &quot;Europe&quot;, eh? So somewhere between Manchester and Istanbul, then?
* &quot;Hey, we should probably do something to seem like we're not just entirely copying RE4's homework!&quot; &quot;Hmmm... what's the exact opposite of a tiny castle-owning man?&quot; &quot;A giant castle-owning woman!&quot; &quot;Genius! Fish fingers all 'round.&quot; Yeah, sorry if you got into that whole meme that arose around Lady Dimitrescu, because whoops! She's only the boss of the first area; she dies, like, two hours in, and then it's back to fantasizing about your high school French teacher in a milkmaid outfit.
* &quot;Yahtzee, ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''7'' were your two highlights of the series! Surely, a game that combines them must be everything you'd want, right?&quot; WRONG! Dirty boy! No mummy milkies for you! First of all, it's hard to appreciate the creativity on display when so many of its moments and mechanics are copied beat-for-beat from its two main influences, but more importantly, ''4'' and ''7'' were good for different reasons: ''4'' was amusingly camp and action-focused and grand in scope but ''7'' was survival-focused and benefited from a narrowing of scope that made it effectively unnerving. ''8'' as a result is a severely mixed bag. How mixed? Put it like this: there is a moment in ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' that was the most genuinely terrifying horror experience I've had in a video game for a very long time. There is another moment some time later where you're in a dreary repetitive industrial environment fighting cyborgs, and it's about as scary and exciting as trying to squeeze past a Borg cosplayer on a narrow staircase. And when I say &quot;moment&quot;, I mean about an hour. This is part of the decline the game suffers after Mommy Milkies has spooged herself out of the game and after the really effective horror part: it's the bit in the dollhouse - alright, I presume it's okay for a review to identify the bit it's praising, I dunno, you people cry spoilers if I so much as tell you Ethan Winters' inside leg measurement.

=== [[w:Miitopia|Miitopia]] ===
* Remember the Nintendo Wii? After the Nintendo GameCube was the console equivalent of a Chinese gymnast, well crafted and colourfully dressed but painfully undernourished, remember how Nintendo followed it up with something that resembled a UFO cult's purity testing device and it sold better than mouthwash outside a blowjob factory and everyone was all like &quot;Ooh, motion controls are the future of gaming!&quot; and I was all like &quot;No, they've only attracted a short-term crowd of gimmick-loving trend followers and ultimately the long-term core audience of gaming plays to relax and unwind and not morris dance around the fucking living room.&quot; And then the consoles were all like &quot;Don't listen to grumpy trousers! Motion controls all round!&quot; Ten years on and the Xbox has had to sheepishly remove its Kinect like a hat at a funeral. The PlayStation Move is relegated to backup Christmas-themed sex toys. And the Wii itself is consigned forever to the leaky trough of consumer history with all its brown gunk encrusted controllers and cheaply made third party hidden object games about Toy Story cast after it - and I'm still exactly where I was but with a slightly nicer chair, so looks like ''I'' won, ''hunter duckers''.

=== [[w:Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts 2|Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2]] ===
* The plot, right, is that you're a lone sniper in a nondescript Middle Eastern oil nation with a new government that I guess didn't import enough ''Simpsons'' DVDs and therefore the Western powers want ousted. You proceed to oust it by tracking down a bunch of key power brokers and turning all their heads into very short lived and highly pressurised ornamental fountains, concluding with the big leader herself. You do all of that, then the very no nonsense voice in your head says well done, then you go home. I guess I was expecting a twist, like the big leader gets in a giant robot suit or some kind of fortified bunker at least and isn't just standing around in a courtyard looking like she's waiting to complain to the gardener about some neglected leylandiis. Or maybe the very no nonsense voice in your head could be lying about your targets - you only have his word that they're evil and the worst ''you'' ever see them do is neglect to close the Venetian blinds before you make everyone else in the room forever paranoid of distant shrubbery. There is kind of a twist in that there's one last surprise target you need to ornamental fountain after the main lady, but Mr. No-Nonsense Handler tacks it onto your to-do list with all the gravitas of a request that you pick up a carton of milk on the way home.
* So you have to snipe crazy long distances calculating wind drift and bullet drop-off, so it's actually rewarding when you score a headshot and it's like watching slow motion footage of a dog overturning their food bowl. But this is a modern stealth game and so as always the spectre of Cockup Cascade hangs overhead like a socially inept zeppelin. If you miss your target and set off an alert then just fucking reload, because if you couldn't cottage cheese their noggin while they were standing around daydreaming about pies then you definitely won't do it while they're sprinting to the car. And when alerted, all the enemy bodyguards instantly know your position 'cos I guess they're all experts in trigonometry, or maybe my mum made me carve my name and address into all my bullets, and they start firing back. And, mystifyingly, can hit you. From a thousand metres! Makes me wonder why I blew all my money on the sniper rifle equivalent of a Porsche 911 if a bunch of rusty AKs that a rogue nation picked up at the CIA's last rummage sale can achieve the same result!

=== [[w:Mario Golf|Mario Golf]] ===
* The point is, you know it's a slim pickings kind of release week when I seriously give a ''Mario Golf'' game a chance, but I figured, &quot;Hey! I just came off slightly enjoying the sniping gameplay in that ''Sniper: Roast Waterfowl with Carrots 2'' game, and what's golf gameplay if not sniping gameplay without the body count?&quot; And so, I set out to escape from worrying about rising income inequality by pretending to be an internationally famous public figure enjoying a sport exclusively played by rich cunts... or not. And that was the first troubling sign: when I started the main single-player campaign, and you don't get to play as Mario. The named characters are only for the multiplayer and challenge modes, I'm afraid; the peasants have to play the campaign as a custom Mii, because of course, when I play something called &quot;Mario Golf&quot;, I want to spend the whole time playing as Richard Dean Anderson or Jeffrey Dahmer. Mario, if you can slam your name over the top of this title like an artificially enlarged penis across an unsuspecting forehead, you can damn well stop scoffing mushroom tortellini in the clubhouse and put some bloody work in!

=== [[w:Ys IX: Monstrum Nox|Ys IX: Monstrum Nox]] ===
* ''Ys: Molesting Nonce'' is the latest in the courageously persistent and long-running ''Ys'' series of mid-budget Japanese action RPGs that's been about three steps behind the rest of the industry its whole life. But while the games have never exactly lit up gaming horizons like a napalm strike in nipple tassels, I tend to find them fucking adorable, like a little toddler coming downstairs at an adult party going, &quot;I'm a gwown-up!&quot;, wearing Daddy's best jacket and waving Mummy's favorite clitoral stimulator.
* ''Ys'' has gradually embraced the various innovations of the action RPG genre at its own leisurely pace, and has recently discovered that open-world sandboxes are a thing, with ''Monstrum Nox'' giving you full-on gliding, hookshotting, and wall-running super powers to let you leap gaily about a fantasy city like a flea on an extremely passive St. Bernard. A city of nondescript buildings, all decked out in repeating gray-brown brickwork like the default texture in the ''Duke Nukem 3D level'' editor, but bless 'em anyway; they're trying so hard. 
* The Monstrums shape the overall plot in that each chapter, Adol gets to know one of them, add them to his adventuring party, and discover their civilian identity, and it never ceases to be hilarious that the game keeps presenting it like we're meant to be surprised, because the Monstrum disguise basically consists of a change of hairdo. Which might make some sense in Anime World, where there are ninety thousand hairdos and three faces for everyone to share, but come the fuck on! Oh, the sassy, matronly party member with big tits is secretly the only other sassy, matronly character with big tits? Next, you'll be telling me that Prince Adam knows more than he's saying about this &quot;He-Man&quot; fella.

=== [[w:No More Heroes III|No More Heroes 3]] ===
* I'm confused, Suda51. I was under the impression there were no more heroes three games ago. Then you had a desperate struggle trying to find a few to carry the sequel the way one roots around in a stubborn nostril for the last scraps of tasty bogey before anyone notices, then the series went quiet for so long and I feel like I'd finally come to terms with there being no more heroes, only for you to find a few more lying around for another sequel. Were there ever no more heroes, Suda51? ''Final Fantasy'' never fucking ends, ''Mega Man'' is blatantly not old enough to shave - I don't know who to trust anymore.

=== [[w:Psychonauts 2|Psychonauts 2]] ===
* Ah, ''Psychonauts'', what a great game that was... I hope your fingers are still smarting from the last time I had to bring that across. Sure, the platforming physics were a bit jank and all the characters looked like their concept art had been scanned in by someone with Parkinson's disease, but it was funny and well written and ''weird'' because it was a Tim Schafer game from that wonderful golden age of the PS2 era when games could be weird and culty - I said &quot;CULTY&quot;! - because they weren't expected to make enough money to pay for the CEO's moon expedition. Unfortunately they were still expected to make some amount of money and that's where ''Psychonauts 1'' fell short on initial release, and why I had to start breaking fingers.
* ...While the look and feel of ''Psychonauts'' hasn't changed much, one significant difference is that the people creating it have aged about twenty fucking years, and Crikey Seamus O'Testicles does that come across at times. Where the first game focussed on a group of kids Raz's age and their children’s problems like bullying and having to go to the psychotic dentist, Raz's fellow interns are all disaffected teenage ''[[w:Extreme Ghostbusters|Extreme Ghostbusters]]'' rejects and the plot isn't even about them - much. They just sort of pop up as a convenient peer group whenever Raz needs someone to get embarrassed in front of; it's almost like they're teenagers in a game being written by people who don't really identify with young people anymore. Which might also explain why the plot eventually focusses squarely on the original founders of the Psychonauts, and Raz having to fix their doddery, old, [[w:Farrah Fawcett|Farrah Fawcett]]-liking brains so they can help him defeat their one-time nemesis, so from the halfway point of the plot we suddenly have to stop giving a toss about any established characters and exclusively reserve our tosses for the backstories and inner worlds of these hitherto unexplored vintage scrotes. It's like if most of the second half of ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|The Last Crusade]]'' was devoted to a flashback about Indiana Jones' dad. Yes, I'm sure Indiana Jones' dad had a jolly interesting and storied life, but I'm kinda here to watch Indiana Jones biff Nazis and snog hotties, and the closest his dad gets to snogging hotties is adding tabasco to his Sunday brunch Bloody Mary.

=== [[w:Deathloop|Deathloop]] ===
* You know what, fine; maybe time loop games can be a genre. They're a nice neat way to formalize the standard save/load function within the context of the plot and they let us live the fantasy of not having to advance beyond the present day and watch our civilization's gradual transformation into a gigantic consumer electronics landfill. But they can't officially be a genre without a proper exemplar. What ''Doom'' is to Doom clones, ''Dark Souls'' to Soulslikes, the bitter polyamory of Metroid and Vania. Yeah, I know there's been half a dozen time loop indie games, but there're so many indie games competing for attention none of them have a high enough profile, it's like trying to see magic eye pictures in television static.
* The premise is: you are Colt Vahn, grizzled mercenary type ('cos you can't exactly get a job at the DMV with a name like that) who wakes up with no memories on an island full of good-time Charlies who have deliberately locked themselves in a one day Time Loop so they can party forever and never have to deal with the ever-downsliding outside world, and Colt wants to escape from this situation, which is the first glaring plot hole for me. Fucking hell, airdrop in two crates of hard cider and a Real doll and show me where to sign, guys!
* Colt discovers that the only way to kill the loop is to assassinate the eight superpowered nerds who set it up. None of whom are particularly hard to kill, but the snag is, you have to kill them ''all'' in a single loop, and they're deliberately avoiding each other, so your quest is to repeat the day until you've figured out the precise sequence of actions that will result in all of them karking it, since they don't remember things from loop to loop and will always keep the same schedule. And that's glaring plot hole number two, because why would these party nerds want to set up a time loop that resets their ''own memories'' every loop?! Surely from their perspective it would just be a normal day? One that ends with a grizzled mercenary type decanting their brain matter across the fucking Twister mat?

=== [[w:Kena: Bridge of Spirits|Kena: Bridge of Spirits]] ===
* There's nothing particularly wrong with ''Kena: [[w:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart|Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart]]'', which is probably why the couple of things I do find irksome stand out all the stronger like choking hazards in my morning porridge. And the biggest, most notable fishhook in the oatmeal for me – and I stress this might just be a me thing – is the character design. They've gone for a Disney/Pixar inspired look so everyone's got that Elsa from ''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' face, with the manipulative doe-eyes so gigantic that if you intend to get lost in them you should probably pack at least twelve days' worth of provisions, and the chubby cheeks and tiny noses and slightly unsettlingly realistic hair and constant lopsided condescending expression like they're expecting the photo for the movie poster to be taken at any moment and the general look like they've just been through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a gerbil, who in turn had just gone through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a balloon animal. This is an art style that suits goofy family musicals about friendship, not the humourless po-faced psychopomp shit going on here. You look at their feet and slowly track upwards and your brain goes &quot;Normal proportions, normal proportions, normal proportions, ''JESUS FUCKING CHRIST'' THE GERBIL GOT INTO THE HELIUM CUPBOARD!&quot;

=== [[w:Far Cry 6|Far Cry 6]] ===
* Well, hijack my helicopters, I can't believe there’s been six ''Far Cry'' games already! Surely the concept of liberating an open world sandbox from a charismatic fuckface by clearing out base after base with a silenced sniper rifle and occasionally having to shake a mountain lion off your todger is still as fresh and exciting as a dissipating fart in a locked sauna. So what original new setting is the premise being airdropped into now, Ubisoft? Liberating a chain of remote Scottish islands from charismatic football hooligans? Liberating an antarctic research station from a charismatic penguin? &quot;No! This time you're liberating... a tropical island!&quot; Erm. You mean like in ''Far Cry 3''? And ''Far Cry 1''? &quot;No, of course not. You're in the Caribbean for a start. That's slightly more equatorial than the last two tropical islands. Probably. And anyway, this time you're liberating the tropical island from a charismatic totalitarian dictator.&quot; Like the one in ''Far Cry 4''? &quot;Look, if you like freshness so much, why don't you piss off to your local Whole Foods and stick your head under the intermittent broccoli misting device?!&quot;
* On the fictional tropical probably slightly more equatorial island of Yara, a charismatic totalitarian dictator – with the emphasis on ''dick'' – is oppressing the people, and you are a generic ex-military type with ties to the resistance and a mysterious tendency to go on violent rampages as favours for people you've just met. You're planning to get on a refugee boat and escape to America, where you will happily live out your days getting blamed for all the nation's problems by chronically obese people in motorized wheelchairs, but moot point because you're going to escape about as surely as the annoying fly in my kitchen when I'm holding the back door wide fucking open, so of course your boat gets shot up and all your friends die and you wash up on the beach. Interestingly though, this doesn't change your motive. You only sign up with the rebels so they'll give you another, less shot up boat to escape to Disneyworld in. Which they do, also interestingly, at the end of the first chapter. Wishing you the best of luck with your Burger King application. So I'm looking at this boat thinking &quot;Hang on, this smacks of that 'joke ending' thing the last couple of ''Far Cry''s have done where you can make your character flat out not start the game and piss off home instead.&quot; And I was buggered if I was gonna play the whole first chapter again, so I just meekly went back to the rebels and magically became a die hard dedicated revolutionary because the premise demanded it. This annoyed me because in previous games – well, mainly just 3 – I enjoyed the way the main character and his motives developed organically over the course of the plot, but this feels like they're asking me to do all the work. What, do I just invent my own reason for why my dude abandons his escape plan and joins the rebels? Fine. I'm also going to invent that he secretly draws Gummi Bears porn and has a model 19th century sailboat instead of a cock. Whee, this is fun.

=== [[w:Back 4 Blood|Back 4 Blood]] ===
* Oh boy, another entry for the hall of &quot;thinly disguised remakes of games made by creators who don't have the rights to the originals anymore.&quot; And yes, it was a lot of work fitting all that on the plaque by the door. This time it's Turtle Rock, the original creators of zombie shooter ''Left 4 Dead'', bringing out their new zombie shooter, ''Back 4 Blood''. Boy, that disguise is thin even by the usual standards, isn't it? That's like a uniformed policeman trying to go undercover by putting his hat on backwards.
* The &quot;4&quot; in the name comes from there being 4 playable characters, you see. Which is a bit weird, since ''Back 4 Blood'' has 8 playable characters. Yeah, you can only have four playing at a time but if you're into number puns there's a lot you can do with 8. &quot;Running L-8&quot;, &quot;Zombies 8 My Face&quot;? Oh wait, not zombies, &quot;infected&quot;! No wait, not &quot;infected&quot;, &quot;Ridden&quot;! ''Ridden?'' That's a word that just reeks of &quot;we had to come up with a legally distinct alternative,&quot; isn't it? No one in reality would call them &quot;The Ridden&quot;. What, are we up against a resistance group founded by disgruntled domestic horses? I keep misreading it as &quot;the Riddler&quot; and wondering if civilization has finally been brought down by Batman's most confounding foe.

=== [[w:Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy|Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy]] ===
* Oh, you want opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy'', do you? Oh boy, do I have opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. On the one hand it's a snot-squirtingly mediocre game that like so many AAA games of its ilk has the air of something that was stitched together from preexisting templates by about nine different teams who haven’t been talking to each other since a harrowing experience at the company picnic, but it also has a licensed soundtrack that includes &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;, so on the other hand it's my game of the year, no more questions, please. I can only assume someone at Square must've stolen my high school crush diary, 'cos how else would they know that &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot; is my one weakness? See, there's absolutely no action a living being can take that doesn't become slightly cooler when it's done to &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;. Even fingerpainting with Grandma takes on a sort of air of euphoric defiance.
* Our story begins with Star-Choad and his motley crew – Drax &quot;pro-wrestler named after a bathroom disinfectant&quot; The Destroyer, Rocket &quot;My motion capture animation makes me look like a tiny person in a mascot costume&quot; Raccoon, Gam &quot;I don't really have anything to do in this plot&quot; Ora, and Rocket Raccoon's pot plant – flying through space doing their best ''Cowboy Bebop'' impression when their latest money-making scheme goes awry and they get embroiled in a threat against the entire galaxy that they must overcome by finally learning to come together and work as a team, which they do about eight or nine times at a conservative estimate. Because AAA only makes two kinds of single player games these days – open worlds, and this thing. A tortuously drawn out sequence of clunkily separated gameplay modes strung together like a collage on the wall of a primary school classroom. It's got a token combat element relegated strictly to samey enclosed combat arenas, action set pieces possibly involving quick time events or their kissing cousin: the chase sequence where you die instantly if you do anything other than press forwards, and all of that is spaced out with prolonged sequences of walking very slowly through spectacular skyboxes, occasionally squeezing through very narrow passages so the rendering engine can have a quick swig of energy drink before the next spectacular skybox. Throughout these slow bits the characters banter. ''By the anal fistwork of the Siddhartha Buddha'', do they banter! You can't stop 'em! It's like that Spider-Man three panel daily newspaper comic, where Spider-Man has to recap that he's up against Doctor Octopus nineteen times in a single lunch meeting. They bang on about what they're doing, what they just did, what they're about to do... &quot;Ooh, the boss we're about to fight is supposed to be like ninety feet tall with wings like stage curtains and teeth like an overbooked Ku Klux Klan meeting&quot; – Which usually turns out to be true even though it sounded like they were setting up a gag where the boss turns out to be a goat in a hat or something. I feel sorry for the no doubt small legion of poor bastards they had writing all this shit because about 75% of the conversations got cut off by me entering a narrow passage or starting the next set piece because of my infuriating desire to progress in the game at slightly above a slow walking pace.

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Vanguard|Call of Duty: Vanguard]] ===
* &quot;Well, go on then, Yahtz, tell us World War II shooters are overdone. And while you're at it, be sure to inform us that water is wet and modern political discourse is fucked.&quot; Ironically, pointing out World War 2 shooters are overdone is, itself, overdone. We're stuck in the fucking ouroboros of tedium, the snake eating its own tail while complaining that the seasoning is bland. Actually, I wasn't going to rag on ''Call of Duty'' for going &quot;Nazi-fartsy&quot; on us again, because I've come to accept that while shooters can't seem to get away from World War II, it definitely hasn't been for want of ''trying''. The ''Modern Warfare'' trend was about as valiant an attempt as one could expect, and we all know where that ended so, ''fuck it'', let shooters have their fucking comfort zone. It's the only uncomplicatedly good setting for a quote &quot;realistic&quot; shooter. Get too close to the present and war's mainly decided not by the ground-level machine gun exchanges that FPSes bank on, but by whose tech can make the biggest explosion happen the furthest away. Also it's still the war with the best narrative. Where the writers weren't trying to frame the side with aircraft carriers and predator drones as the plucky underdogs struggling valiantly against an opponent armed mainly with harsh language and angry livestock. Besides, the lesson &quot;don't be like the Nazis, ''you stupid fucks''&quot; is one that certain audiences still haven't properly internalised in this modern age apparently, so fuck it, all is forgiven, World War II shooters.

=== [[w:Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition|Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition]] ===
* Ooh, you want to be very careful about declaring any release of anything to be the &quot;definitive&quot; version. Partly because I think that's a subjective thing. There will be people out there for whom their &quot;definitive&quot; experience of watching ''The Crying Game'' was at three in the morning blitzed out on mescaline with both feet immersed in buckets of wallpaper paste. And as for removing previous versions of the thing from sale, well, let me tell you a cautionary fable about a proud little man named George Lucas who decided that no one had any need for any version of the original ''Star Wars'' trilogy that didn't have added Loony Toons sound effects and CG as dated as Sean Connery's relationship advice. And now George Lucas has to sit there and plaster on a smile as the Disney corporation peels the skin off his life's work and stretches it so thin it would disappoint a Marmite enthusiast.
* &quot;Remaster&quot; is becoming rather a foreboding word in my glossary. Not a &quot;re-release&quot;: same game with stability tweaks and maybe a nice resolution upgrade to pad out the shelf-life. Nor a &quot;remake&quot;: a complete ground-up reinterpretation through the lens of modern sensibilities, polishing up the mechanics and filtering out the gay jokes. Remastering is a cold and unpleasant No Man's Land between the two, wanting the nostalgia cash-in of the latter while only putting in the level of effort required for the former. Except for the QA-department, which in this case was putting in the level of effort required for a permanent vegetative state. All they've really done is put the textures through an HD filter and updated the lighting engine. And when you do that with boxy turn of the millennium era 3D environments you end up with a look that I like to call &quot;Little Timmy got loose on the custom level editor.&quot; The retro textures were a match for the janky retro 3D physics and unrefined gameplay design. The characters' faces were indistinct enough your brain was willing to give their intended expression the benefit of the doubt. Now you've got the uncanny valley effect that comes from everyone emoting like ''Thomas the Tank Engine'' characters. It's like, I can't appreciate the effort you put into applying lipstick to this pig, Rockstar, because now I'm going to feel weird about eating it. And also the lipstick has somehow given the pig dysentery, because even this easy mode remastering has made it explode with crash bugs and graphical glitches like those masks from ''Halloween III''. I was playing the PS5 version – 'cos you may remember the PC release got yanked back off stores on day one like a disobedient dog off an unguarded picnic – and even that was crashing to home more often than a thirty year old liberal arts major. And after all this they still didn't fix some of the things about the old GTAs that could have used a remaster. Like the way half the voice lines in ''San Andreas'' were compressed right the fuck down to fit on a CD and now they all sound like you're listening to them while pouring Captain Crunch down your earholes.

=== [[w:Halo Infinite|Halo Infinite]] ===
* Since ''Halo Infinite'' takes influence from open world shooters, there is a quite inexhaustible supply of bastards because what else are you gonna do in post-ending fuckabouts mode? I say &quot;takes influence from open worlds&quot; rather than flat out &quot;is an open world&quot;. Certainly there's an open world in it. One that showed up late to the final exam for open worlds and had to hastily scribble out an assignment that it turned out was from last year's syllabus. It's like some board of directors heard about this open world thing the kids like and told market research to compile a powerpoint, and they came back with &quot;copy pasted towers and base assaults as far as the eye can see&quot;. And besides when it forces you to climb four copy pasted towers spread out around the map before it lets you into the next part, the overall plot doesn't really engage with the open world. Completing the optional base assaults or side activities doesn't give you any significant edge in standard gameplay, since the most powerful pew pew laser guns are always conveniently strewn around every combat and boss arena like mini-fridges in hotel rooms and none of the optional crap you can do makes them pew pew any harder. For you see while ''Halo'' is flirting with open worlds, it will never stray from its true love: shiny corridors. Its eye might have briefly been drawn by the open world's sensuous curves but its love for shiny corridors is the kind of unyielding emotional bedrock on which contented marriages are built. So the open world sections are separated by plot missions where you complete inescapable sequences of enclosed arenas connected by shiny corridors now you're done fooling about with your open world hussy. And I feel ''Halo Infinite'' should've picked a lane. Why not go full ''Breath of the Wild''? Maybe Ms. Open World can't offer stability, but it might've livened up your dull middle age, Halo. Trying to talk the missus into this undignified polyamory is only going to look bad in divorce court. But with an open world comes a need for traversal mechanics, most ''Halo'' vehicles flip over if they drive over anything larger than a chocolate raisin and the terrain is usually about as even as a section of your grandmother's upper thigh served with crinkle cut chips, so to counterbalance all that, Master Chief gets a fucking hookshot. ''And I fucking love it!'' It's not as fast or as versatile as, say, the ''Just Cause'' hookshot, probably because it has to haul around the dump truck Master Chief is constantly wearing and all the Mars bars secreted in the glove compartment, but there are very few games that wouldn't be improved by a grappling hook. Losing at ''Civilization'' wouldn't be so bad if I had the option of a dignified exit. So I was hook-shotting up to vantage points to descend upon enemy bases, hook-shotting into vehicles to hijack them, and outside the open world, hook-shotting my merry way down shiny corridors to avoid wearing out Master Chief's plimsolls. But for some reason the game seems to have mistaken this core traversal mechanic for a gimmicky gadget. You have to unequip the grappling hook to use deployable cover, dodge thrusters or see enemies through Walls-o-Vision. So guess what three things I never fucking used.

=== [[w:Five_Nights_at_Freddy's:_Security_Breach|Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach]] ===
* ''...Security Breach'' is a full-on first-person stealth shooter Metroid-vania reminiscent of ''Alien: Isolation,'' if ''Alien: Isolation'' had '''''fucking sucked prehensile slimy dick!'''''  I don't even ''have'' to review it.  I only started playing it in case my ''Dying Light 2'' code didn't come in, and it did.  But when it did, I said to myself, &quot;Y'know what?  Techland's new over-produced grind-a-thon can wait its fucking turn, because ''Security Breach'' is very bad and I want to hurt it!&quot;
* Eventually I did this enough times that the game went, &quot;Oh! It's coming up on six o'clock! You can go the main entrance and leave!&quot;  Feels like there's a lot of the map that hasn't been used yet, but I am so not going to question this; got to the exit, the game goes, &quot;''Psych!''  This is the bad ending!  You gotta keep playing to get the rest of the plot.&quot;  D'oh, the old ''Symphony of The Night'' trick.  Okay, guess I won't leave.  &quot;Great!  We are now permanently disabling saving the game.&quot;  '''''WHAT!?'''''  ''Why the fuck are you doing that?''  Are you embarrassed about the good ending or something?  Are your knickers in shot at one point and now you're going to discourage me from trying?  Well, mission fucking accomplished!
* I can only assume that using jump-scares to provoke funny reactions from streamers started getting old, and now they're seeing if similar results can be achieved from just annoying the shit out of them.  And if that ''is'' the case, look at me falling right into the trap.  I hope the sweetness of that victory covers up the taste of ''MY DIIIIIICK!''  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/five-nights-at-freddys-security-breach-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Pokémon Legends: Arceus|Pokémon Legends: Arceus]] ===
* ...''Pokémon Legends: Arceus'' is basically ''Pokémon'' as an Isekai. Just the thing for all you ''Pokémon'' fans who were concerned that ''[[w:Pokémon GO|Pokémon GO]]'' had made the franchise marginally less embarrassing to talk about in grown-up conversations. The premise is, you are generic contemporary gender to be determined Pokémon trainer who I guess fell off the stage in ''Smash Brothers Brawl'' or something and wakes up in the olden days of the Pokémon world when Pokémon training has only just become a thing. The protagonist swiftly astonishes the primitive locals and is hailed as a hero from the sky when they show no fear towards some tiny adorable fluffy helpless baby animals and beans them all in the skull. Silly, yes, but finally a ''Pokémon'' game where it kinda makes sense that you seem to be the only trainer who's figured out they can carry more than three or four of the buggers. Soon we get recruited by a quote &quot;surveying&quot; organization who have tasked themselves to quote &quot;survey&quot; all the local Pokémon by capturing them and forcing them into either manual labour or gladiatorial combat. You know, the same way Columbus &quot;surveyed&quot; the Americas. Or how one &quot;surveys&quot; an ant colony with a kettle of boiling water.

=== [[w:Babylon's Fall|Babylon's Fall]] ===
* I tried out ''Babylon's Fall'', Platinum's new live service hack-n-slashathon on PS5, or had a crack at it if you will, not that it made it easy. First it wouldn't even start without a PS Plus subscription, even though I only wanted to play single player because y'know, humanity. It's like a highway bypass: I understand why it needs to exist but I'd rather not have one in my house. Got past that and ''Babylon's Fall'' still wouldn't unbutton its top until I also signed into a Square Enix account. What the fuck possible benefit do you imagine I'd extract from signing up for another fucking account, Square Enix, other than one more excuse to never check my email?! Christ, this is like trying to get through airport security with an inflatable novelty suitcase nuke. But eventually I got through it all and when I was on the other side of the metal detector putting my shoes back on and admiring the new tag they'd punched through my ear, I cast a look around and thought to myself: &quot;Oooh. This looks like shit!&quot; As in, it literally resembles faecal matter, decked out mostly in glistening browns except for a streak of vibrant blue from an accidentally swallowed whiteboard marker. It looks like a PS3 game, all brown and flatly lit with characters textured and animated like a papier-mâché diorama about kitchen utensils. It even has a classic case of cheaping out on the cutscenes by just panning over still images with increasingly agonizing slowness. I thought the download size was suspiciously small.

=== [[w:Tiny Tina's Wonderlands|Tiny Tina's Wonderlands]] ===
* Hey, kids! Are you trying to write a comedy game but are worried you don't have the chops? Well, worry no more! ''You don't.'' But you can fake it 'til you make it with the patented ''Borderlands'' method! A simple three-step process that will turn any dry functional dialogue line into gut-busting hilarity. Step one: Say the thing. Step two: Keep talking like you're a socially inept party-goer who's just had his first line of coke. Step three: Transition into some kind of embarrassed tangent to reflect a level of self-awareness otherwise largely absent from the work. Let's see it in action! &quot;Go through that door&quot; becomes &quot;Go through that door, because there's probably treasure on the other side, and by 'treasure' I mean 'more hideous violence against strangers' which is treasure to me. My doctor says I should get out more.&quot; Now was that funny or what? No, it wasn't, not in the least. But it does have a sort of comedy vibe about it and maybe that's all you need. You know, it's comedy in the sense that Owen Wilson is an actor. Obviously I'm being facetious here, there's a lot more to ''Borderlands''' specific brand of humour than just characters who talk too much. Sometimes they do it in a silly voice as well. And some of them shout a lot.

=== [[w:Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin|Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin]] ===
* In the prologue of ''Final Fantasy 1'', the four Light Warriors travel to a nearby castle to rescue the kidnapped Princess Sara from the corrupted knight Garland. And ''Stranger on Top of Paradise'' seems to be doing pretty much the same thing until you defeat Garland at the end of the first dungeon, at which point Garland transforms into a girl wearing nothing but a basketball jersey who explains that she was also on a quest to defeat Chaos but decided Chaos didn't exist, and so prayed to Chaos to become Chaos and get defeated, but now she's been defeated so she's failed somehow. And that specifically was the first moment that made me wonder what the fuck this game was drivelling on about, by no means the last. She joins the party and it turns out her name's &quot;Neon&quot;. Aha, I said. Jack, Ash, Jed and Neon, is this a clever riff on how the original game would only allow you to enter names a maximum of four letters long? &quot;Possibly. Anyway, here's your fifth party member, Sophia.&quot; Well fuck you, game.
* Would I be right in assuming that ''Stranger in the Vicinity of Paradise'' got cut down a bit during development? I assume it was going to have a full-on overworld with towns you can explore full of NPCs that all drivel out one utterly banal sentence when you press on their heads. And all that got cut, because the final game is a linear sequence of combat dungeons and cutscenes that you pick from a fucking menu that they drew a map on so you can pretend it's an overworld. And I guess they'd already written the NPC dialogue, because rather than let it go to waste they stuck a submenu at the bottom of the map screen where you can click a name on a list to get subjected to one of the copy-pasted townsfolk making an insipid observation on the current state of the plot. Very useful feature if you happen to have breast cancer and will only survive by boring your own tits off. The budget cuts also hit the combat dungeons to an extent, because so much of them consist of copy pasted identical corridors I was constantly getting turned around and confused. If you want to know where all the money did go, I'd bet on the weapons and armour department. You are constantly being showered with new equipment, every piece of which is lovingly designed and attached to your character model even in cutscenes, ensuring that the light warriors constantly look like they're going to a costume party as the donation bin in front of a second hand kitchenware shop. I wonder if the people doing the face animation for cutscenes knew that the cast would be wearing full face masks most of the time. I further wonder if the armour department's coffee machine ever didn't contain piss.

=== [[w:Trek to Yomi|Trek to Yomi]] and Ravenous Devils ===
* ''Trek to Yomi'''s plot suffers from a bad case of &quot;So ''this'' is what we're doing now?&quot; Where there's about nine different inciting incidents and it takes way too bloody long to get through all of them. In which case I need to drop a spoiler warning, 'cos in explaining the setup of the plot I'll give away like two thirds of it. At first we're a novice samurai whose master gets killed by the big baddie, which is such a trite scenario I'm pretty sure they sell pre-written sympathy cards for it. But then we forget about that and go off to save a village from bandits, promptly fuck that up, try to save our own village from bandits, fuck that up too, die and wake up in Japanese hell, where we must journey to confront our sins and those we wronged in life. Okay, ''this'' is what we're doing, gotcha! Took your fucking time getting to the point.

=== [[w:The Quarry (video game)|The Quarry]] ===
* I'll say this for Supermassive Games, they are world class experts at creating entire casts of characters that I instantly and completely despise. They should take a side gig making war propaganda. If they made one of these games starring a bunch of Russian military officers, I'd join the Ukrainian defense force before you can say &quot;Pierre Kirillovich Bezukhov&quot;. A lot of that comes from the animation. There's still an awkwardness about the motion capture faces, because of course &quot;Haunted Quarry&quot; is a synonym for &quot;Uncanny Valley&quot;. There's something very wrong with everyone's mouths and teeth, like they’ve been enlarged in post-production or something. The stock &quot;sexy girl&quot; character in particular looks like she's trying to talk through a bagel that’s been hot glued to her face. But the dialogue makes me hate them all, too. Everyone's got a bad case of verbally explaining their personalities to each other. &quot;Why are you always so upbeat?&quot; &quot;Why are you always cracking jokes?&quot; Those were jokes, were they? Fuckin' news to me. I couldn't decipher them through your private language of arrogant snorts, and constant needlessly abrasive digs at each other. Basically every two way dialog choice comes down to &quot;be a complete prick&quot; or &quot;be a partial prick&quot; and even exclusively taking the second option it still felt like everyone was trying to break the loathsomeness speed record: &quot;Okay, I hated you after six words of dialogue, let’s see who can beat that. Whoa, hold the phone, the buff jock dude’s wearing a backwards baseball cap. He wins. He did it in zero.&quot;
* Like all Supermassive's prior choose your own adventure books, if the intention is to make me feel like I'm watching a movie, I'd think it was a very poorly edited one. It's always painfully obvious when alternative dialogue has been swapped in, 'cos there'll be an awkward pause and someone's emotional state will mysteriously swivel on a dime. The geography of each scene is very poorly established. Characters have a weird habit of teleporting in and out of the room between cuts. Like, we fight off a monster and then oh no, the monster is attacking Lance Henriksen now and I'm like &quot;When the fuck did Lance Henriksen get here?&quot; Was I supposed to intuit that from the general air of slightly improved acting talent in the atmosphere?

=== [[w:Bob's Game|Bob's Game]] ===
* ...In the mind of its creator, ''Bob's Game'' was so much more than a pixelated distraction any halfway competent RPG Maker user could've farted out in a month – ''Bob's Game'' was a vision. One to which only one platform could do proper justice, and that was a Nintendo handheld. So he eschewed the small publishers that expressed interest and applied for an official Nintendo DS development kit. Now, Nintendo is a big company with a lot on their plate between making Mario pencil-cases and removing Princess Peach panty shots from ''Smash Bros'', so they did with Pelloni's application what they presumably do with any correspondence from wide-eyed random no-name twats: shunted it to the end of the priority list between trimming Donkey Kong's eyelashes and designing a controller that doesn't suck. And this is where the story of ''Bob's Game'' takes its whoops-we-don't-say-that-anymore turn. You might charitably say that Robert Pelloni was one of those people who had little time for the world outside his own mind. I might less charitably say he had his head so far up his arse he was getting teabagged by his own gallbladder. And he didn't seem to understand that the game's significance within his own life didn't translate into significance to anyone else. As the wait for Nintendo's response stretched into months, Bob decided this was some conspiracy or deliberate snub rather than, say, Nintendo having literally anything better to do, and so he declared that until they acknowledged the game he'd sequestered for five years to make, he would publicly protest by sequestering some more. Now with a webcam on him and with the doors locked for a hundred days. This was successful in that it made him famous amid that sector of the internet that loves to encourage weirdos, especially as he posted a series of increasingly deranged blog posts declaring himself the greatest game designer who ever lived and accusing Nintendo, multibillion dollar company and controller of many of gaming's best known IPs, of being jealous of him, penniless suburban twat. Exactly how much one should read into all this is debatable as after the thirtieth day of his protest when he appeared to be lying motionless in a ransacked bedroom, he claimed to both the internet and the nice helpful police officer that broke down his door that it was all pretend. The protest and insane blog posts had been a viral marketing campaign that we'd all fallen for like the credulous normal-brained people we were.

=== Hell Pie ===
* &quot;All very well, Yahtz, but we've been stewing on the phrase 'like ''Conker’s Bad Fur Day'' without the wit' for the last two minutes and we'd like you to clarify, because that's like saying 'like Thomas the Tank Engine but without the sizzling erotic subtext.'&quot; Alright, let me draw a direct parallel. In ''Conker's Bad Fur Day'', you go inside a toilet and have a boss fight with a giant poo. And the poo sings an operatic song as it fights you with profane lyrics that rhyme the word &quot;scat&quot; with the word &quot;twat&quot;. This exhibits wit. It's wit to rhyme with shit, but it's wit. The humour lies in a poo, a very unrefined thing, singing opera, a style of music generally considered very refined. In contrast, in ''Hell Pie'', you go into a sewer, and there are poos. And there's no joke there. Some of the poo is alive and hostile and wearing Nazi helmets, but that's not a joke either. There's no comical through line from &quot;Nazi&quot; to &quot;poo&quot;. If the poos had all resembled former British home secretary [[w:Douglas Hurd|Douglas Hurd]], and had been called &quot;Douglas Turds&quot;, that would've been a joke with some wit. As it is all the game has done is dropped some poo on the floor and then looked at me as if it expected me to know what to do with it.
* The tragedy of ''Hell Pie'' is that it had a lot going for it. A strong central mechanic, a nice vibrant appearance, clear dedication and effort from its creators, but it's all let down by being really witlessly, off-puttingly crass. I'm sorry to have to side with your primary school homeroom teacher on this one, ''Hell Pie'', but poo references just aren't big or clever. And I have no idea who this game is even aimed at. Little boys whose idea of intellectual discourse is to compete to see who can yell &quot;fanny flaps&quot; the loudest in a crowded assembly? And of those, the subset that also wants to see small adorable baby animals being bloodily and painfully tortured for no particular reason every time you get a horn upgrade? All I can picture is that one kid I knew in middle school who mysteriously stopped coming to school around the time his sister showed up with burn scars and an eyepatch.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation Zero Punctuation]

[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
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      <text bytes="690957" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Zero Punctuation|Zero Punctuation]]''''' is a series of video game reviews done by [[Ben Croshaw|Ben &quot;Yahtzee&quot; Croshaw]], originally on YouTube, and later for [[w:The Escapist (magazine)|The Escapist Magazine]].

===[[w:The Darkness (video game)|The Darkness Demo]]===
* ''The Darkness'' is a horror themed first-person shooter based on [[w:The_Darkness_(comics)|some comic book I've never heard of]].  The game is by the delightfully named Starbreeze Studios, whose most notable previous title would be ''The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay'' in which players piloted the claymation Vin Diesel in his ongoing quest to masturbate himself raw in the faces of audiences worldwide.
* ...What I was supposed to do was go back to an easily-missed white spot on the ground, use it to summon an evil imp, and instruct it to move a thoughtlessly parked car out of the way of one of the cemetery entrances. Let me just reiterate that: The game literally has me summon a multi-fanged beclawed monstrosity from the depths of hell, not so I can make it enslave the innocent or lay waste to all worldly nations, but so that I can enlist it as my own personal breakdown service!
* Personally, at this point I'd only consider buying the full version of ''The Darkness'' if it came down to budget price, and they threw in [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (video game)|another, better game]]. And some cake. And Belgium. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWS9_nrKOPA]

===[[w:Fable: The Lost Chapters|Fable: The Lost Chapters]]===
* ''Fable'' is by Lionhead Studios, home of longtime auteur game designer Peter Molyneux, who has a tendency to promise the Earth and be ultimately crippled by his own ambition (see the big fat broken monkey-fest ''[[w:Black_%26_White_(video_game)|Black and White]]'').  During the development of ''Fable'', for example, it was promised to have features like rival NPC characters, plants growing in real time, and a system wherein your every slightest choice of action changes your appearance and the world around you. What we ended up with was a buggy action-RPG with a great big stiffy for itself.
* The big selling point, of course, is that you can choose to be a good character or an evil character, so I of course set out to be the evilest bastard who ever lived, and the best way to do this according to the game was to dress in black, grow a big moustache, draw all over my face, and backhand the occasional passer-by.  I also set myself up as a magic user because I wanted to end up looking like [[w:Ming the Merciless|Ming the Merciless]], but the starting spells were all so ridiculously piss-weak that I ended up having to use a sword half the time anyway, and the game ended up dubbing me a &quot;Spellwarrior,&quot; which made me feel like it was calling me an indescisive prick.
* Eventually, I got to the final boss who didn't hold still long enough for my stupidly overpowered dark spell to be effective, so all I could do was whack it repeatedly over the head with my sword while it chewed constantly on my lower body. But I had so many health potions by that point that I could basically drip-feed myself with the stuff and, after the boss popped its scaly clogs, I still had enough left over to throw a health potion keg party. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYQLR7dE5k4]

===[[w:Heavenly Sword|Heavenly Sword]] and [[w:Resident Evil 5|Other Stuff]]===
* Nariko then turns to some...thing sitting vacantly nearby, wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a [[w:Kiss (band) |Kiss]] fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, &quot;We may need you to play twing-twang.&quot; My first thought when I heard that was, &quot;I am so going to quote that out of context,&quot; but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I'd consider buying the full game just to see what &quot;twing-twang&quot; is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus (''yeah, I went there'').
* Part of me feels that, from an artistic standpoint, there may be some merit in ''RE5'' because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving; and forcing the player to do something that they find distasteful as well as frightening is a rather groundbreaking method of doing that. But then again, this is ''Resident Evil'', the series that brought us &quot;squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon&quot;; and if there’s anything sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it’s probably a total accident. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1-Heavenly-Sword-and-Other-Stuff]

===[[w:Psychonauts|Psychonauts]]===
* One of the themes running though Schafer's humor is the juxtaposition of a mundane situation in a bizarre or fantastical setting (see: ''Grim Fandango''), and ''Psychonauts'' continues this tradition by being set in a summer camp for psychics. The story follows the adventures of Raz, a child acrobat who, in deference to tradition, runs away from home to escape the circus rather than join it, and whose natural psychic talent allows him to insinuate himself into the camp without paying tuition fees. Shortly however, karma bites him in the ass when he finds himself embroiled in a sinister plot and having to explore strange ethereal worlds based on the subconscious minds of those around him. It's all kind of like if Tim Burton knocked up David Lynch in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and he did meth right up until the birth.
* ''[listing the good points of the game]'' Firstly, it's something original in an industry that seems to be built on ripping off everyone else. Secondly, it's genuinely funny, while most video games attempting humor are like unanesthetized bowel surgery. Thirdly, every single character is well-defined with their own quirks and personalities, even the tiny, unimportant bit part players that get less screen time than Christopher Lee in the [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|last ''Lord of the Rings'' film]]. And lastly, it's ''fun.'' Remember that? Fun? What we used to have before gaming felt like [[w:World of Warcraft|a second job?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2-Psychonauts]

===[[w:History of video game consoles (seventh generation)|Console Rundown]]===
* With the current generation of consoles, we've reached or nearly reached the point where graphics aren't going to get much better, so we can all stop rushing to top the last generation's technology and concentrate on making some games with [[w:Silent Hill 2|actual depth.]] Except of course that the [[w:PlayStation 3|console]] [[w:Xbox 360|wars]] are all ultimately futile because the best game ever, [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|''Fantasy World Dizzy'']] for the Commodore 64, has already been made. Or maybe all of gaming is pointless, just toying with the gravel on the side of the big road of life. But hey, at least there's [[w:Manhunt (game)|violence]] and [[w:Dead or Alive (game)|tits!]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3-Console-Rundown]

===[[w:Bioshock|BioShock]]===
* ''Bioshock'' is billed as a spiritual successor to [[w:System shock 2 |''System Shock 2'']] and I'm sure ''System Shock 2'' will be very proud of its normal-mapped, [[w:Phong_shading|Phong-shaded]] bastard child because it takes after its daddy almost to the degree of George Bush. And I know what you're going to say: &quot;Yahtzee, you charismatic stallion:  What kind of complaint is that? ''System Shock 2'' was brilliant, and any game that's in any way like it should be equally good.&quot; But that's the thing:  It isn't '''like''' ''System Shock 2'', it '''is''' ''System Shock 2''. Oh sure, it looks different and it differs in the fine detailing and the character names are changed and shit. But once you strip all that out, the bad guy might as well just be SHODAN with a waistcoat and a copy of ''Atlas Shrugged''.
* But there are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4-BioShock]

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|Tomb Raider Anniversary]]===
* The combat's also been upgraded for modern times, and by that I mean they've chucked in the tired old ''God of War''/''Simon Says'' button mashing sequences which every action game has to have now by law. And someone on the design team (''you know who you are'') thought it would be a great idea to have the player constantly press R1 to fire repeatedly rather than just hold it down. But the R1 button is not positioned for comfortable mashing and when you go up against enemies who can take ten million bullets before dying (like say, for example, most of them) then your fingers cramp up like you're playing ''Guitar Hero'' but without the nebbish rock star fantasy.
* ''[helping game publishers find ideas]'' Here's one: A genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5-Tomb-Raider-Anniversary]

===[[w:Manhunt (video game)|Manhunt]]===
* Let's get something straight, all right, third-person action game developers? Left analog stick for movement; right analog stick to rotate camera around player. How is it that, when you see something that works perfectly well, you immediately decide to try and improve it and cock the whole thing up? In ''Manhunt'', the right analog stick changes to the first person camera, which may seem reasonable in theory, but it means that, when you're hiding and trying to see a nearby guard patrolling behind you, you nudge the stick and end up staring at a brick wall. And half the time when you've finally wrestled the camera into the right angle, you'll see the guard has patrolled right up to you and has now shivved you in the bollocks.
* But I seriously don't know whose side to be on when it comes to the debate of whether games like ''Manhunt'' mess with the heads of underaged, impressionable thickies. There's a very clear certification indicating that twelve-year-olds aren't supposed to be playing it, but there's no denying that they play it anyway because no one other than twelve-year-olds are into this sort of thing. Gushing breathlessly about garrote wire decapitation and baseball bat cranial explosion is a good way to win friends in middle school; but around the office water cooler, it's a good way to lose them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6-Manhunt]

===[[w:Peggle|Peggle]]===
* What I can say about it is that I started playing it around noon and emerged from my room sometime later to find that the authorities had declared me legally dead. If the whole &quot;casual gaming&quot; thing has slipped you by, then allow me hold your face under the putrescent waters of knowledge. At some point in the recent past, someone noticed that simple Flash-based 2D colour-matching games like ''Bejeweled'' were making, frankly, ''embarrassing'' amounts of dosh; and the reason for this is that, as time has gone by, bored housewives stuck at home have all independently decided that shagging the TV repairman is no longer appropriate and have turned to video games to amuse themselves instead.
* In summary it's okay, I guess. I preferred ''Bookworm Adventures'', but then I'm one of those hopeless mutants who genuinely enjoys playing ''Scrabble''. That's it. That's about as far as I can review ''Peggle'' because that's the entire extent of the game. I don't know what Pop Cap's mission statement is, but I'm betting that it's something along the lines of, &quot;Use pretty sparkly lights, encouraging sound effects, and as few gameplay elements as possible to make the gaming equivalent of premium crack cocaine.&quot; And it seems to be working for them because they are now worth umpteen millions. '''Millions!''' They exclusively make cheapo 2D games! What the hell do they spend all that money on? Ice cream?  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7-Peggle]

===[[w:Halo 3|Halo 3]]===
* The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my arse until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound, cross-eyed hobbit and you’re armed with the BFG 9000.
* But really, I don't know what I hope to achieve with all this. ''Halo 3'''s already more popular than God and nothing I can say is going to stop Microsoft making enough money to buy Switzerland and reinforce the notion that all gamers want is brightly colored dross with the depth of a spoon. So if in the future we all find ourselves playing &quot;Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure&quot; in what moments we can spare between toiling in the Microsoft overmind's off-world mining complex, then I want you to know that I fucking called it.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8-Halo-3]

===[[w:Tabula Rasa (computer game)|Tabula Rasa]]===
* ''Tabula Rasa'' is a Latin term meaning &quot;blank slate&quot; and generally refers to the school of thought stating that humans are born with no inherent programming. For example, [[w:Richard Garriot|Richard Garriot]] is an utterly demented game designer who wears a crown and insists that people call him Lord British. But was he born with the galloping crazies, or was it a lack of appropriate social contact that caused him to descend permanently into an insane fantasy world?
* Talking about removing grind from MMOs is all very well until you think about it, because grind is the only thing that keeps people playing MMOs for so long and removing it would be like removing the crazy from Richard Garriot. Besides, every MMO so far has grind right up the bum and it doesn't seem to stop people playing them. Some people just like that sort of thing, I guess. Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9-Tabula-Rasa]

===[[w:The Orange Box|The Orange Box]]===
* I can't help feeling that Valve have missed the point of episodic gaming somewhat. The whole idea is to mix up the usual rigamarole of game publishing by having shorter games at lower prices released more frequently, and while they have aspects one and two down, they continue to struggle with three.
* ''(On [[w:Half-Life 2: Episode Two |Half-Life 2: Episode Two]]'') Episode 2 does suffer a little from being the middle child.  There's no real beginning and no real end, so the story tends to meander around and it's difficult to shake the feeling that we're just killing time before the next episode wraps it all up. A new character is brought in without warning and everyone acts like we've always known him. It's actually quite perplexing. Valve have done a great job making us empathize with all the major NPCs so far, so being introduced to a new one at this late stage is like coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the family dinner table and you're the only one who seems to notice.
* ''(On [[w:Team Fortress 2 |Team Fortress 2]])'' ...For all its insubstantiality, it's incredibly well-balanced now. There's a role for everyone regardless of what sort of game you like. The Heavy for uncomplicated damage-soaking thickies; The Spy for your backstabbing stealth game dirtbag; and The Sniper for people who like point-and-click adventure games. Although, admittedly, the only puzzle is, &quot;Use gun on man.&quot;
* ''(On ''[[w:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'')'' ...If you're a regular viewer, you'll understand how insane these words feel coming out of my mouth, but I can't think of any criticism for it. I'm serious!  This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece! I went in expecting a slew of interesting portal-based puzzles and that's exactly what I got, but what I wasn't expecting was some of the funniest pitch-black humor I've ever heard in a game. Okay, it's only two to three hours long, but that's a good length for it - it means it doesn't outstay its welcome and it narrows the gap between you and the balls-tighteningly fantastic ending. Absolutely [[w:Yellow Submarine|sub]][[w:Lime (fruit)|lime]] from start to finish, and I will jam forks into my eyes if I ever use those words to describe anything else ever again! Yeah, I know it's not very funny to love a game, but fuck you! ''Portal'''s great, and if you don't think so you must be ''stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10-The-Orange-Box]

===[[w:Super Paper Mario|Super Paper Mario]]===
* During the second chapter, Mario is required to work and earn money to pay for some of the mindless vandalism that comes naturally to action RPG players. And the best way to do this is to press &quot;right&quot; to run around in a giant hamster wheel for -- no joke -- somewhere around a quarter of an hour. That's if you're thick. If you're smart (like me), you weigh down the D-pad with one of your roommate's figurines and go off to amuse yourself. That's right. You have to amuse yourself while playing a '''game''' -- a '''game''' being something ostensibly designed to amuse. And if the player is doing this, then something has clearly gone wrong. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/11-Super-Paper-Mario [11&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;]

===[[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|MOH Airborne]]===
* The ''Medal of Honor'' series has been going on since 1999, meaning that it has officially been going on longer than the actual second World War did. And if you put together all the games, films, and TV shows that have depicted it, the  Normandy landings alone probably lasted somewhere within the region of six months. So why does the US have such a fascination about a time that everyone else would rather just forget about and move on? Well, probably because that was the last war in which they did any good, when they had a clear win over an unambiguously evil villain who posed a genuine threat -- rather than any of these wishy-washy recent wars where they just run in, stomp all over a developing nation, and run out again declaring victory around the time the population have to start eating their own dead.
* As evil as the real Nazis were, it seems they weren't evil enough for the developers, and so the accuracy's a little bit skewed against them. And then it's skewed a little bit more. And then it's put in a thumbscrew until it resembles a slinky. I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure there wasn't an elite branch of stormtroopers who wore gas masks, wielded miniguns, and could take three sniper bullets to the forehead before they died. And I'm also pretty sure the Nazis didn't have [[w:Flak Tower|a gigantic armored concrete tower that can only be described as a ''doom fortress.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/12-MOH-Airborne]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass|Zelda Phantom Hourglass]]===
* A world without Nintendo would be a far bleaker one than this, and yet there's something about them I find incredibly infuriating. They've got roughly enough money to buy Earth and all the heavens, and a fanbase so devoted and rabid that they could release a game about a sewage-encrusted rapist and it would still sell like billy-oh. And while they sit in this position that many game developers worldwide with slews of new and interesting game concepts would happily hack off their wedding tackle to occupy, all they do is constantly remake the same games! Okay, so sometimes you've got an [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|ocarina]], and sometimes you're in a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|boat]], and sometimes you're a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|werewolf]] having repulsive erotica drawn about you by people on [[w:DeviantArt|DeviantArt]]; but pick any one of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda (series)|ninety billion Zelda games]] there have been so far and odds are good you'll always be the same bloody guy saving the same bloody girl with the same bloody boomerang.
* For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoe-horning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about (which, I remind you, is what handhelds are for) would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/13-Zelda-Phantom-Hourglass]

===[[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]===
*The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again!
* Maybe some of this could be forgiven if the seven main characters weren't all ''completely'' unlikeable. There's so much black leather on display, it's like someone took the goth clique from a small town high school, pinned them down in front of a 24-hour [[w:Rambo (series)|''Rambo'']] marathon, then smacked them brutally around the head with a baseball bat made out of frozen ''stupid.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate|F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate]]===
* Every now and again, F.E.A.R. remembers that it wants to be a horror game, too, and makes the lights flicker or throws down a random bloodstain like there's someone with the world's most copious nosebleed about fifty yards ahead of you. But I have to admit, when the game does descend into sheer balls-to-the-wall mindfuckery for a few minutes, it's the only time the experience really comes alive for me. I'm running down a corridor when the lights come down and then I'm in another different corridor, only now there's a blurry filter on my vision and I can hear what sounds like a moose being strangled in a tin bath. Awesome! I open a door and it vanishes into nothing and now there's a door on the ceiling. Sweet! There's a corpse at the end of the hall but as I get closer it jumps up and yells at me like everything's my fault. Finally I'm having a good time! Then everything simmers down and you return to boring predictable normality, wishing you were back in the nightmare.
* I guess if you're a huge fan of ''F.E.A.R.'', and I mean ''huge,'' like, if you play it twice a day and you have Jason Hall's face stenciled onto your toilet seat, and if you've got a love of repetitive tactical combat that borders on the fetishistic, and if you really badly need to know what happens next to the faceless characterless protagonist of the ongoing storyline, then I heartily recommend ''Perseus Mandate''. Maybe you can play it while you hang around the labyrinth with Theseus, because you're obviously a nonexistent creature of myth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/15-F-E-A-R-Perseus-Mandate]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed|Assassin's Creed]]===
* Another good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians, and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds. Those wacky, fun-loving lepers have this hilarious tendency to shove you with all their retard strength and send you flying ye olde mosh-pit style, which I feel makes me well within my rights to lamp them one; but then everyone turns against you because apparently it's not as funny when ''you'' do it. And then there are the beggar women who will latch on to you like a lamprey eel and constantly run in front of you whining for coins in a manner scientifically designed to get on my tits. Then I give them a gentle, discouraging [[w:Dragon Punch|knuckle sandwich]], and they run off yelling like ''I'm'' the asshole. It hits particularly close to home for me, because this is pretty much how ''all'' my relationships turn out.
* First you have to walk all the way down from your home base at the top of a ''fucking'' mountain at the start of every ''fucking'' mission. Then you have to make your way through the target city (pausing occasionally to nut the lepers Glaswegian-style). Then you're forced to do a few errands around the place which are basically the same three side quests over and over again. And when you do finally get to stab someone up, it's all bookended by long wordy unskipable cutscenes. Even after the stabbing, you have to sit through a prolonged conversation with the victim. You'd think having a spike shoved in to the throat would impede one's ability to soliloquize, but you just can't shut these twatmouths up!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/16-Assassins-Creed]

===[[w:Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock|Guitar Hero III]]===
* Don't believe the lie of ''Guitar Hero Three''. It's actually the fourth title in the series, the third being ''Rock the '80s'', which I haven't played, but the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end out of my ass, and floss myself to death.
* Then I got to the last venue and the last group of songs on hard mode and came to a screeching halt because they are ''fucking impossible.'' '''NO. STOP.''' Do not reach for your e-mail client; I do not want to hear about how you five-starred [[w:Raining Blood|&quot;Blood Rain&quot;]] on Expert, because if you did, you are a ''fucking freak,'' a freak with either three arms or a trained pet spider working the buttons for you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/17-Guitar-Hero-III]

===[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]===
* People often say to me, &quot;Yahtzee, you callipygian superman: How can you, a game writer yourself, complain about a game having too much dialogue?&quot; I would reply, &quot;For the same reason that a hairdresser is entitled to complain when someone fills their car with shampoo.&quot;
* ''Mass Effect'' is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/18-Mass-Effect]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Super Mario Galaxy]]===
* But don't be fooled; this is your standard fill-in-the-blanks framework. Mario's [[w:Princess Peach|hateful emotionally retarded ball-and-chain]] has been kidnapped ''again'', but before you can do the rescue you have to collect a whole bunch of stars - ''and it is always stars'' for some utterly arbitrary reason. And in the end, Mario succeeds in rescuing the needy bitch who once again fails to put out, although frankly I've given up expecting any kind of actual human intelligent reaction from that clueless bint.
* Initially, ''Mario Galaxy'' gets an easy ride because it has to be inevitably compared to ''Mario Sunshine'', the last &quot;proper&quot; Mario game (disregarding all that spin-off bullshit). And you could transplant the head of [[w:Joseph Goebbels |Joseph Goebbels]] on to the body of a praying mantis and it would still compare favorably to ''Mario Sunshine''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/19-Super-Mario-Galaxy]

===[[w:Silent Hill Origins|Silent Hill Origins]]===
* ...You have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. Time's up. That's what I thought. There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or [[w:Twix|chocolate]].
* To me, the ''Silent Hill'' series is over.  And if ''Silent Hill 5'' convinces me otherwise, then I will remove three of my own vertebrae, curl my spine back, and eat my own arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/20-Silent-Hill-Origins]

===[[w:Crysis|Crysis]]===
* Of course, with amazing graphics comes the inhumane treatment of processors. ''Crysis'' is apparently designed for some kind of hypothetical future computer from space. I played it on a brand new gaming PC resembling the monolith from ''[[w:2001: A Space Odyssey (film) |2001]]'', constructed from magical obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth. And it still chugged when things got busy.
* ...There is one section towards the end where you're forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and... well, imagine that you'd just woken from a 20-year-coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopotami. That's what controlling this section is like. And they expect you to enter ''dogfights'' in this thing. That's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your elbows. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/21-Crysis]

===[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]===
* What quickly becomes obvious is that Witcher is very much a PC-exclusive game, which are typically designed to be as complex and unintuitive as possible so that those dirty console-playing peasants don't ruin it for the glorious PC-gaming master race. The first warning sign is that the manual is thick enough to beat goats to death with, and then once you get into the game the interface is just a few steps shy of Microsoft Access in terms of friendliness. There's your inventory screen, your character screen, your alchemy screen, your glossary, your quests, your map, you have to switch between combat mode and stand-around-picking-your-nose-while-enemies-carve-you-like-turducken mode. And once you're in combat mode, do you fight in strong, fast, or group style? And if you'll be wanting to mix potions, then I hope you've gone through the necessary eight week correspondence course. If disliking this sort of shit makes me stupid, then call me &quot;Retard McSpackypants&quot;. But I'd rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind.
*As I progressed through the starting village a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless drudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a [[w:MMORPG|''mumorpuger''!]] A single-player mumorpuger with no [[w:World of Warcraft|Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse,]] but a mumopurger nonetheless. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles]]===
* Part of ''Resident Evil'''s charm is that it still takes itself seriously, despite having the most atrociously written story and dialogue of any product of human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one too many clotheslines to the head and decided he could act.
* It's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. &quot;I have a bad feeling about this,&quot; announces Jill Valentine after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced. &quot;Where did all these webs come from?&quot; wonders Chris Redfield aloud whilst staring ''directly'' at a giant spider. And then there's the recurring series baddie and backstabbing enthusiast Albert Wesker, whose every line of dialog is solid gold because he sounds like [[w:Lloyd Grossman|Lloyd Grossman]] with throat cancer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/23-Resident-Evil-Umbrella-Chronicles]

===[[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Call of Duty 4]]===
*''[with disdainful sarcasm throughout]''&lt;br /&gt;Never let it be said that I'm an impressionable twenty-something-gaming-media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth; so for the most part I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it is simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs (which was the case with ''Call of Duty 4''). This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker and brace yourself for a shock because it deserves the praise it gets.&lt;br /&gt;...Mostly.&lt;br /&gt;I was surprised because I have this presumption about &quot;serieses&quot; like ''Call of Duty'' and ''Medal of Honor'' being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism time-locked Bill-Murray-style somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand and scoffing apple pie with the other.&lt;br /&gt;''Call of Duty 4'', conversely,is set in the present day which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turns out to be right on the money it's executed in a very compelling way.&lt;br /&gt;The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country that tactfully goes unnamed (undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a water slide park by the time time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchly between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The U.S. Marines posted in &quot;Unspecifiedistan&quot; whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the ends of their massive erections while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like cockney weasels. These changes in perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective however you have to apply them and to balance the unentertaining seriousness  of this sentence: &quot;Boingo boingo whoopsy knickers.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;What I like about ''Call of Duty 4'' is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white &quot;My Country 'Tis of Thee&quot; jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the U.S. Marines act with short-sighted self-righteousness convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them [[screw the pooch|screwing the pooch]] so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

*All you need to know is this. There are [[w:Winston Churchill|two]] kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago. And ''Call of Duty 4'' is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like - well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane and land anus-first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

===[[w:SimCity Societies|SimCity Societies]]===
* It's an idea that many people seem to latch on to that, if we were created by some kind of god, then obviously he did it because he loves us so huggy-muggy-much. Never are the holes in this theory more obvious than while playing god games: because it seems that when you place most people in the position of a god and give them responsibility over many tiny lesser beings, then their attitude towards them is usually less about beloved children and more about target practice.
* I set out to make a brutal authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like Thought Police Headquarters, and all the venues were propaganda theatres, and most of the gormless fuckers were still content or elated. Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/25-Sim-City-Societies]

===Yahtzee Goes to [[w:Game Developers Conference|GDC]]===
* All games are about realizing a fantasy, whether it be the fantasy of being a courageous war hero, or the fantasy of being a future space adventurer, or, in the case of some Japanese games, the fantasy of possessing eight prehensile dicks. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/26-Yahtzee-Goes-to-GDC]

===[[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]]===
* Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys: a stream of assorted blacks; Asians; and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like &quot;the bad guy dies.&quot;
* You play Nathan &quot;Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon&quot; Drake as he scavenger-hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome, initially hostile blonde love interest, and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a T-shirt saying, &quot;I will die or turn evil.&quot;
* I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is; it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous games. Even the story has been nicked bodily from at least five adventure movies that I can think of -- seven if you let me count all the ''Indiana Jones'' films.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/27-Uncharted-Drakes-Fortune]

===[[w:Devil May Cry 4|Devil May Cry 4]]===
* ...It would be fair to say there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them but, thanks to Capcom, I don't have to - now I can just point to ''Devil May Cry 4'' and say, &quot;Pretty much that.&quot; Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some spectacle-adjusting model railroad enthusiast who cannot function without absolute realism at all times. Leaping eight times your own height, swinging swords the size of small cars around, and deflecting bullets with other bullets are all fine with me as long as it's entertaining. I'll even accept that getting a seven-foot katana jammed through your torso is totally survivable, if a bit homoerotic. A game starts widdling on my chips, however, when it populates itself with smug self-satisfied dick-spurts and starts neglecting gameplay because it's too busy letting them swagger invincibly about until I want to flatten their androgynous faces with a kayak paddle!
* But the lone shiny gold star I stick on for the combat is almost immediately torn off for some truly obnoxious level design. Jumping puzzles? Fine. Timed jumping puzzles? Fair enough. Timed jumping puzzles with fixed cameras? Now we've dropped into the ocean of shittiness. But then they hit us with a timed jumping puzzle with a fixed camera where enemies spawn in every time you fail. And now the ocean of shittiness has closed in over our heads with no rescue boat in sight. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/28-Devil-May-Cry-4]

===[[w:Burnout Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]===
* People often ask me, &quot;Yahtzee, you herculean exemplar: You have so much to say about what makes a [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|bad game]], but what is your measure of a [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|good game]]?&quot; Well, actually, no one's ever asked me that. Mostly they ask retarded questions like when am I [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd|going to review 20-year-old Nintendo games like everyone and their dog]]. But it's the kind of question I'd like to be asked, so I'm going to answer it. One of my measures of a [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|good game]] is one that teaches me something. ''Burnout Paradise'', for example, teaches me that if Princess Diana honestly couldn't survive [[w:Death_of_Diana,_Princess_of_Wales|a trivial little crash]] like that, then the girl must have been made out of wafers.
* ''(discussing the game's open world:)'' My point is, that the reason why racing games traditionally feature closed circuit tracks is that the fun in a street racing game comes from driving really fast and breaking things. That's a winning formula. Then you throw map reading skills into it and it's the metaphorical shot of Baileys, overpowering all the other flavors.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/29-Burnout-Paradise]

===[[w:Turok (2008 video game)|Turok]]===
* I'm actually rather glad that a really, unequivocally bad FPS has been shat out in front of me because there are a lot of problems with first-person shooters these days and ''Turok'' plays like an itemized list of them. So rather than do what I usually do (i.e. crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises), let's instead use ''Turok'' as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first-person shooters keep persistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them. Then maybe I can persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom.
* When you consider that the original ''Turok'' games were about a time-traveling red Indian, this new installment has had to really work hard to rip off [[w:Aliens (film) |''Aliens'']]. They had to lock the established setting and storyline in a wardrobe and throw it off a cliff. They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good. And that's sort of admirable, I guess, in a retarded kind of way.
* Most of these problems with modern FPSes can be explained with four words: &quot;Let's be like ''Halo.''&quot; But I remember a time when FPSes didn't all march in step behind that inexplicably popular festival of mediocrity, when FPSes weren't all about soldiers or space marines, when they could be about [[w:Blood (computer game)|undead cowboys]], or [[w:Redneck Rampage|backwoods pig-rapists]], or [[w:Duke Nukem 3D|wise-cracking misogynistic wankers]]. I remember a time when FPSes had a sense of humor about themselves and could have colours other than gunmetal gray and dogshit brown. I remember titles like ''Exhumed'' and ''Chasm'' and ''Witchhaven II'' — though on reflection, I'd rather forget about them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/30-Turok]

===[[w:Zack and Wiki|Zack and Wiki]]===
* Long ago in the mists of time, when main characters didn't need to have biceps bigger then their faces and when bump mapping was just something cartographers did to their wives, there lived adventure games. This [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|shy,]] [[w:Space Quest II|thoughtful]] tribe was known for its great story telling tradition and ruled the great PC gaming plains for many years before mysteriously dying out around the onset of the [[w:Quake (video game)|Quake]] era. Some blame the aggressive expansion of neighboring first-person shooter tribes; but personally I think it's more to do with the fact that most of them were [[w:King's Quest|shit]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/31-Zack-Wiki]

===[[w:Army of Two|Army of Two - Yes, Two]]===
* We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses who make tons more money and like it rough from men with hairy bums — ''NO! Bad Yahtzee!'' I meant to say: and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except that it's ''you'' giving out the candy, and the candy is ''bullets.''

* Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated hold-out position that I gave him a boostie up to as part of a cunning higher ground strategy. But since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse. But since there was now no one to give me a boostie up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal.
* It's repetitive and broken and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play ''Gears of War'' with one hand and ''Splinter Cell'' with the other, then you don't need to play ''Army of Two''. And make sure you film it because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/32-Army-of-Two]

===[[w:No More Heroes (video game)|No More Heroes]]===
* [''[[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]]'s''] last game was [[w:killer7|''killer7'']], and let's get one thing straight: I fucking '''loved''' ''killer7''! There we were, living our gray, predictable lives, playing our gray, predictable games when along came ''killer7'' in a [[w:Coat of many colours|technicolour dream coat]], leaving slightly perplexed joy in the wake of its huge motorbike, showing exactly what could be done when you flaunt [sic] all established convention and just start exploring what can really be done with gaming as an art form. I still don't know how to classify it: puzzle, action/adventure, rail shooter... well, whatever it was, it was a preciously unique amusing cartoon whale in an ocean of second-hand bong water. Now we have ''No More Heroes'', a ''Grand Theft Auto'' clone. [[w:Shine On You Crazy Diamond|&quot;Shine on you crazy diamond,&quot;]] said Yahtzee, his voice thick like sarcastic [[w:Marmite|Marmite]].
* So, I'll say the same thing about ''No More Heroes'' that I say about ''Killer 7'', ''Earthbound'', and Branston pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston pickle '''onto''' ''No More Heroes'', possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/33-No-More-Heroes]

===[[w:Condemned 2: Bloodshot|Condemned 2: Bloodshot]]===
* There's a final boss sequence in [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|''Condemned 1'']] in which you run through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth with a serial killer in hot pursuit. It's really intense and genuinely terrifying, and part of what makes it so effective is that it takes place in a normal house, exactly like, oh say for example, '''YOURS!''' Right down to the psychotic serial killer who lives under your bed and is standing behind you right now but don't look because that'll really piss him off! ''Condemned 2'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[w:Combine (Half-Life 2)|Combine]] would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''I '''wish''' I was fucking kidding.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/34-Condemned-2-Bloodshot]

===[[w:Super Smash Bros. Brawl|Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]===
* As I've said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it'll take is a few more [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boys]] and they'll wank the whole company away! Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the ''fuck'' is [[w: Marth (Fire Emblem)|Marth]], and why is unlocking him considered a reward? Oh and thanks, Nintendo, for putting in a [[w:Lucas_(Mother_3)#Lucas|character]] from [[w:Mother 3|''Mother 3'']], a game you're never going to fucking release outside Japan despite the fact I can fucking guarantee that more people would play it than ''Mario Kart Eleventy Billion: The Next Generation''!
* But really, reviewing ''Smash Bros. Brawl'' is pointless.  Chances are you already know if you like it.  There's a simple test:  When the name &quot;Nintendo Wii&quot; was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an Internet forum?  If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever its faults, and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now, you miserable, fanboy twat.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/35-Super-Smash-Bros-Brawl]

===[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War: Chains of Olympus]]===
* ''Chains of Olympus'' is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the ''God of War'' series, a bunch of games that combine an, at best, loose understanding of Greek mythology with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between excessive and completely off its tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/36-God-of-War-Chains-of-Olympus]
* Around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it &quot;The 'Fuck You' Button.&quot;

===Mailbag Showdown===
* It's true, I didn't like ''Brawl'' before I even started playing; but then the same is true of every game, object, animal and human being I encounter these days. Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it's been a lot easier to just assume everything's shit until it can prove itself otherwise. I like to call it the &quot;Guantanamo Bay&quot; approach to reviewing.
* &quot;I'm not a fanboy - (yes you are!) - but you may have judged Brawl a bit harashly. Nintendo made it so that the players could have fun mercilessly beating the ever-lovi-euh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-theh.&quot; Why am I reminded of the all-purpose theist cop-out argument, &quot;God moves in mysterious ways?&quot; Nintendo is a big boy now, he doesn't need defending. Small-time curmudgeons like me are not going to reduce anyone who works there to tears and they care even less about you. I've never really understood the almost crusader-like fervour that consoles attract. Most people would say it's because your mum is only prepared to buy you one console, and if it turns out you didn't pick the winner, the best thing to do is go into denial until the very fabric of reality spontaneously changes, because God knows that's more likely to happen than you admitting fault.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/37-Mailbag-Showdown]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]===
* About a million years ago, a company called DMA Design created ''Grand Theft Auto'' and discovered that the combination of controversy, wacky humor, and vehicular homicide was a lucrative one indeed. So they made a whole bunch of sequels, threw some TVs out of some hotel windows, and changed their name to [[w:Rockstar Games |&quot;Rockstar&quot;]], in a slightly over-compensatory effort to make us forget that they made ''Lemmings''. Not that there was anything wrong with Lemmings, at least not until the franchise was rigorously milked to it's last sour lumpy dribbles.
* Once you inevitably grow tired of the sandbox mayhem and start on the mission paths, you'll find that ''GTA4'' is initially about as fast-paced as a [[Jacob Bronowski]] [[w:The Ascent of Man|documentary]] playing at half speed. The first hundredweight of missions are virtually all tutorials, which highlights the inherent problem with incorporating so many different gameplay elements that you need to spend half the game explaining the bloody things! You have to learn how to drive cars, how to drive trucks, how to drive geese, how to use your phone, TV, internet, how to fist fight, how to gunfight, how to shoot from cover, how to shoot from the back of a giant tyrannosaurus... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV]

===[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]===
* The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine-gun, rocket-launcher, overpowered-exotic-thing-that-you-never get-ammo-for-and-only-use-in-boss-fights-anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie ''Braindead''. (That's ''Dead-Alive'' if you're American and fat.) As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; ''it shoots shurikens and lightning!'' It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire.
* So  that's ''Painkiller'', more proof that the best way blow off steam is to blow off someone's natches.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller]

===[[w:The World Ends With You|The World Ends With You]]===
* A major thing that turns me off JRPGs, and a lot [[w:Devil May Cry 4|of games]] [[w:Turok (video game)|in general]], is when I don't feel that I, as a player, am contributing anything to the story. All I ever seem to do is wheel the characters from one whingy boring dialogue to the next. Events are driven by ''their'' actions, not mine. All I am is a little angry id who takes over for the combat, spending the rest of the time jumping up and down in the back of the main character's mind yanking on nerve endings, trying to make him stop acting like a pillock.
* What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs the story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought-iron fence made of tigers.
* Is TWEWY a good J-RPG? I have absolutely no idea.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a frightening world I don't understand, treading water on the surface of a deep, deep lake full of weird-smelling creatures with completely alien concepts of fun and a tolerance for boredom to rival the Man in the Iron Mask.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/67-The-World-Ends-With-You]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Oblivion]]===
* You know me; I'm a twitchy, instant-gratification kind of gamer. The sort who isn't happy unless there's a gun the size of a motorbike in his hands and a severed alien willy bouncing off the front of his space helmet. But every now and again, the planets will align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a J-RPG, God no; it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ. But a western RPG, something with goblins and swords and men in loin clothes going on about wenches.
* In ''Oblivion'', you start off in a dungeon in the imperial palace. You're never told what crime you committed; I guess you're supposed to fill in that blank for yourself. So I choose to believe I was in there for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter at the same time while playing a rock guitar solo on the desecrated corpse of God. Anyway, then the Emperor showed up (played by [[w:Patrick Stewart |Captain Picard]]) and I have to say I liked him a lot. He was the only character who actually seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG. He took one look at me, noticed the camera floating behind my head and said, &quot;Oh, bugger. You're the protagonist; guess I have to die now.&quot;  And die he did.
* For a game that is obviously trying so hard, ''Oblivion'' is one of the least immersive RPGs I've ever played. The world map is huge, granted. If you intend to walk from one end to the other, you'd better pack a few sandwiches. But frankly, take one good look around the moment you first emerge blinking into the daylight and you've pretty much seen everything. It's like they took 200 square yards of medieval English countryside, added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/75-Oblivion]

===[[w:Haze (video game)|Haze]]===
* I think it's safe to say that very few people were madly trampling babies underfoot to grab ''Haze'' on launch day - I know whatever atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first-person shooter about space marines. &quot;Whoop-de-fucking-doo,&quot; I thought. &quot;I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate.&quot; But then up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a cornetto every time I pass a 7-11. &quot;Shame on you, Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw!&quot; spake he. &quot;Have you forgotten [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|''Call of Duty 4'']] already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you're no better than [[w:Mass_Effect#Media_coverage_of_the_sex_scene|those dipshits who never played ''Mass Effect'' but condemned it as some kind of child-corrupting boobstravaganza]].&quot;
* The overall message of ''Haze'''s story is that WAR IS BAD! And that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with &quot;whiz bang shooty fun&quot; strikes me as trying to have one's cake and eat it -- a phrase I never really understood, I mean I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There's not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you're a stripper... Sorry, lost my train of thought.
* If you have a liking for ''Halo'', a crippling fear of trying new things, and a desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast, then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then, you might as well buy ''Haze'', you mad bastard.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93-Haze]

===[[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|Metal Gear Solid 4]]===
* I'm going to recount as much of the story as I can before my brain starts to hurt: [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]] is a cloned mercenary who is suffering from premature aging due to a planned obsolescence scheme worthy of Microsoft. He lives with his support character (and &quot;best friend&quot;) Otacon, and the two of them have adopted a child together. (That oozing sound you just heard was made by all the world's homoerotic fan fiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk.) Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his [[w:Liquid Snake|evil clone brother]], who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of - OH CHRIST, I can't go on; this shit is bananas! Play the games themselves if you want to know what's going on, although I can't guarantee that that will be enough - to truly get into the mindset of [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]], you'll have to do something pretty drastic, probably involving experimental brain surgery and a complete ''X-Files'' box set.
* Somebody once said that a politician is a person who can talk for hours and never actually ''say'' anything. If that's true, Hideo Kojima could run for government and be emperor of the universe by mid-afternoon.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/99-Metal-Gear-Solid-4]

===[[w:Webcomic|Webcomics]]===
* Drama is the mortar that holds the webcomic community together, and there are so many wonderful ways to create it. Make absolutely no effort to improve your horrible drawing style, act like a prick at a convention, respond to constructive criticism with hostility, and just generally behave like the kind of monstrous egotist that blossom like mushrooms in the darkened trough of shit that is the Internet. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/108-Webcomics]

===[[w:Lego Indian Jones: The Original Adventures|Lego Indiana Jones]]===
* I've been ignoring the whole Lego-LucasArts coalition so far, partly because, as you'll recall from my ''Psychonauts'' review, LucasArts is run by douchebags, but mainly because it sounds utterly retarded on paper. I mean, once you accept [[w:Lego_Star_Wars:_The_Video_Game|Lego ''Star Wars'']], where does it end? [[w:Playmobil|Playmobil]] [[w:Battlestar Galactica|''Battlestar Galactica''?]] [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] [[w:Firefly (TV show)|''Firefly''?]] [[w:Meccano|Meccano]] [[w:Dune (book)|''Dune''?]] Yeah, I'm done milking that joke. I guess at first I've--  Wait! I've got another one! [[w:Stickle Bricks|Stickle Bricks]] [[w:Babylon 5|''Babylon 5''?]]...Sorry.
* There's this undercurrent of parody about the whole experience which I find rather cathartic. I guess it's because we're taking a film series which prided itself in unexpectedly traumatizing me as a child and totally emasculating it, like if there were a puppet show version of [[w:The Ring (2002 film) |The Ring]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/123-LEGO-Indy]

===[[w:Alone in the Dark (2008 video game)|Alone in the Dark]]===
* I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of ''Alone in the Dark'', what with it apparently being the latest in a long line of &quot;worst games evaar&quot; and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondents' families judging by the way they tearfully e-mail me requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well, I thought, &quot;Fuck those bereaved bastards who think I'm some kind of sweary ninja for hire. I'm gonna play ''Alone in the Dark '' and damn well try to like it.&quot; A few days have passed since then, and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes even the majority can be totally, totally right.
* What's tragic is that the Good Ship ''Alone in the Dark'' can see Port [[w:Silent Hill 2|Good Game]] without a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidentally landed at the Cock-Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution, which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad. &quot;Hey!&quot; said Terry. &quot;Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body.&quot; &quot;Okay!&quot; replies Gonad. &quot;But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!&quot; &quot;Hey again!&quot; says Terry, &quot;how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?&quot; &quot;Okay again!&quot; says Gonad. &quot;Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!&quot; Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
* As a series, ''Alone in the Dark'' has always been about subtle, claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. Now it makes no sense, because you're not alone, and it's not even dark, because everything's on fire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/130-Alone-in-the-Dark]

===[[w:Age of Conan:Hyborian Adventures|Age of Conan]]===
* Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate [[w:MMORPG|mumorpugers]]. I hate what they do to people, turning them into nocturnal blobs of flesh and Cheetos that communicate entirely in mouth-breathing; and I hate when I look back on my time with a mumorpuger and realize that I just flushed away months of my life that I could have spent writing a bestselling book, or raising a child, or pounding nails into my face. But I have had fun with [[w:Hellgate|mumorpugers]] at the time, or rather [[w:World of Warcraft|''a'' mumorpuger]], and since comparison is going to be inevitable, let's just get the fucker over with: ''Age of Conan'' is not ''World of Warcraft.'' Some people might say, &quot;Ooh, maybe it's not trying to be,&quot; but those people are going to Hell for lying because ''all'' MMOs are trying to be ''World of Warcraft'': same controls, same terminology, same arduous blocks of motherfucking grind, same interfaces right down to the quest-givers with big golden exclamations marks growing out of their heads like they just spotted [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4|Solid Snake]] shuffling through the undergrowth.
* There's nothing wrong with being a small part of something bigger than yourself.  That's how an MMO should work -- solidarity, teamwork, joining forty friends to go stomp on a night elf's face. ''Age of Conan'' makes the same mistake as the school system by telling everyone that they're special, thus turning them into entitled twatdonkeys.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/138-Age-of-Conan]

===[[w:E3_2008#2008|The E3 Trailer Park]]===
* I'd like to clarify that somewhere in the flinty pits of my petrified heart I'm open to the possibility of all these games [[w:Gears of War 2|potentially being fun]] (except for ''[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy 13]]'' obviously). But my intention is not to troll for once but to argue that it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. After all, if the [[w:Resident Evil 5|game's]] good, great! But if it's bad you've lost nothing, plus you get the satisfaction of knowing you're cleverer than fanboys, which is right up there with winning a beauty contest against [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] but still, it's a good overall rule: never let yourself get excited by trailers, unless it's the one for the new [[w:Watchmen (2009 film)|Watchmen movie.]] Oh yes, I can never get enough big glowing blue men with their celestial lads hanging out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden II (2008 video game)|Ninja Gaiden 2]]===
* But frankly, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among [[w:Eternal Sonata|Japanese]] [[w:Metal Gear Solid|games]], ''Ninja Gaiden II'' is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|''Metal Gear Solid'']] bullshit of cutscene dialogues that could fill a modest paperback. None of that [[w:Devil May Cry 4|''Devil May Cry'']] cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that [[w:Zelda: Twilight Princess|''Zelda'']]... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going ''Yah!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/175-Ninja-Gaiden-2]

===[[w:Prince of Persia#The Sands of Time series (Ubisoft)|Prince of Persia Retrospective]]===
*Between them, the three ''[[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|Sands]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|Time]]'' games have the ingredients of probably the best game ever, and I don't say that lightly. The first game still very resolutely sits in my [[w:Portal (video game)|top]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|five]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|games]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|of all]] [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|time]], but it could have been better. Like a variant of the [[w:Uncanny valley|uncanny valley effect]], the closer a game gets to ''Portal'' perfection, the more glaring the flaws become, and their attempts to correct those flaws in the sequels were akin to removing flecks of dirt from a birthday cake with a shovel. But we live and learn, so let's move on and hope [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|the new ''Prince of Persia'']] will be as good as ''Sands of Time''. And that my ass will sprout wings and fly me into space! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/183-Prince-of-Persia-Retrospective]

===[[w:Soul Calibur IV|Soul Calibur IV]]===
*I don't really understand fighting games. I don't hate them, but I've never frosted my pants over any of them, either. I just don't ''get'' them. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: &quot;What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're [[w:Sakura (Street Fighter)|a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants]].&quot; But if you want to relieve stress, you take a [[w:cannabis|herbal]] bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost ninety dollars at your local electronics retailer. There's got to be more to it than that.
* Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual. All you need is a picture of the &quot;throw&quot; button and a big arrow pointing to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/189-Soul-Calibur-IV]

===[[w:Braid (video game)|Braid]]===
* And do you know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public — especially you, ''Adrian!'' (That probably isn't your name but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.) Ye unwashed masses who ensure massive profits for the same old [[w:Final Fantasy XII|cookie-cutter]] [[w:Halo 3|sequels]] because anything that isn't ''[[w:Psychonauts|safe]]'' and ''[[w:Beyond Good and Evil|familiar]]'' makes you dive for your security blanket! And since you spent all Daddy's money on a [[w:PlayStation 3|next-generation console]] you won't even give the time of day to anything that doesn't have [[w:Commodore 64|environment-mapped reflective surfaces]] and you're more interested in buying Master Chief novelty condoms than [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|actual gameplay innovation]]! In fact, I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Piss off! Close the browser and fuck off back to [[w:Gears of War|''Gears of War'']]! Has he gone? Good, I hate that guy! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/203-Braid]

===[[w:Eve Online|Eve Online]]===
* The unspoken goal of exploration is to make the entire planet completely boring. Life was at its most interesting back when we still thought grass huts were a bit hoity-toity and when there could have been dragons made of raisin bread over the next hill for all we knew. Nowadays, everything's mapped out. We've even spent enough time on the moon and the very bottom of the ocean to know that: firstly, there aren't any dragons there either; and secondly, we're definitely not in a hurry to go back and double-check. Now it's only the depths of space that remain unexplored and unboring, plenty of gray area where any number of interstellar sparkle dragons could be hiding. ''Eve Online'' does the impossible by making deep space boring, and demonstrates the best way to do that is to let nerds colonize it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/208-Eve-Online]

===[[w:Too Human|Too Human]]===
* I have to admit, though, the story is to be congratulated for taking the fiery, thunderous personalities of the Norse gods and somehow turning them into a bunch of boring, self-righteous, robotic twats with all the warmth and emotion of a glass of water.
* So you'll die. You'll die ''a lot.'' And by Christ does the game want you to know it. A [[w:Valkyr|valkyrie]] who is clearly in no fucking hurry slowly flies down, picks up your corpse, and ascends gently back into heaven as if to say, &quot;There there, baby, it doesn't matter that you're a ten-thumbed cripple who literally can't fight to save their lives; let's get you tucked into beddy-byes.&quot; Then you respawn fifty feet away with no penalties, scratching your head in bewilderment. And this happens ''every time you die!'' You can't skip it! [[w:Silicon Knights|No one]] could look at this and think, &quot;Yep, this will never get old!&quot; The only remaining explanation is that this is some kind of test - maybe if anyone defends this on a forum, they automatically get added to the government depopulation list because their minds are clearly deviant and must be purged! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human]

===[[w:Spore (video game)|Spore]]===
* If there's one thing history has taught us (besides not to piss off people called Genghis, or put lead in your water pipes), it's that if you're going to make something incredibly good that becomes frighteningly popular, make sure it's the last thing you ever make in your entire life. Because otherwise you get to spend the rest of your creative career struggling under the weight of high expectations and bricks.
* You also get to design your own buildings and vehicles further down the line; so if all you're after is some kind of 3D art program for eight-year-olds, ''Spore'' is definitely for you. If you're holding out for an actual game, then you get to eat shit.  But never mind; you can always design a creature that looks like a huge cock and imagine it pounding you in the arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/218-Spore]

===[[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed|XBLA]] [[w:Castle Crashers|Double Bill]]===
* ''(On [[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed |Bionic Commando Rearmed]])'' But the question this all raises is whether a remake should just blithely parrot the gameplay mechanics of the original, or take the opportunity to improve upon them with our enlightened future space technology? Well the second one obviously, you thick berk. There's nothing inherently sacred about game design from the olden days. They're just old, and wrinkly, and fat, and no one but the utterly depraved wants to sleep with them.
* ''(On [[w:Castle Crashers |Castle Crashers]])'' While the little big-headed characters are fun to look at, in big fights with lots of similarly sized chaps, it's easy to lose sight of the one you're controlling. And this becomes doubly unfair in big boss fights when the big boss's main strategy is to conceal your character's location behind their mountainous flab. At least in ''Golden Axe'' you could play as the amazon lady and navigate by her unfeasible boobies.  This is like watching midget identical twins wrestling and trying to remember which one you put money on.
* Nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything — the stupid, diminutive cunts — and you weren't any different. Games, or should I say the potential for games, has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, winding twenty-somethings of the future, they'll be declaring that ''Halo 3'' was miles better than a game of ''Interstellar Bum Pirates'' on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both ''Zelda: Twilight Princess'' and ''Super Mario Sunshine'' '''before''' I played ''Ocarina of Time'' and ''Mario 64'', and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way! Drink down that burn sauce, fatboy! Also, I think Hitler was right! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/222-XBLA-Double-Bill]

===[[w:Mercenaries 2: World in Flames|Mercenaries 2]]===
* There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|Ivy from ''Soulcalibur'']]'s pants ride up, and which are perfectly natural for growing young men. I mean the thought that goes, &quot;But I might need it later&quot; — the niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[w:Giant Enemy Crab|giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab just around the corner. No game illustrates this phenomenon better than ''Mercenaries 2'' or, as I like to call it, &quot;Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes.&quot;
* Actually this is something I've been meaning to bring up, miss: Why does the C.E.O. of our private military company have to do all the missions personally with no backup except for an Irish chopper pilot who abandons his mission when the enemy chuck anything larger than a scone at him? Actually, working alone might be for the best. The A.I. is so thick, it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion, I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/231-Mercenaries-2]

===[[w:Star Wars:The Force Unleashed|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed]]===
* Apparently the plot is supposed to tie the ''Star Wars'' prequel trilogy to the original series, which raises the obvious question: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING? It's like tying your breakfast to a plague rat. The grubby fingerprints of George Lucas are all over the story in that none of the characters are in the slightest bit relatable. That, however, could be because of the Wii graphics limitations making them all look like Gerry Anderson puppets of stroke victims.
* ''The Force Unleashed'' on the Wii did not endear itself to me. I don't blame [[w:Krome Studios|the developers]], and I'm not just saying that because they're based in [[w:Brisbane|this city]] and might kill me. I blame the Wii for being tightfisted with its [[w:Wii MotionPlus|hardware upgrades]]; I blame myself for failing to research the [[w:Xbox 360|different]] [[w:PlayStation 3|versions]]; I blame [[w:Michael Atkinson|Michael Atkinson]], the attorney general of South Australia, for quite a few [[w:Office_of_Film_and_Literature_Classification_(Australia)|unrelated things]]; but most of all I blame George Lucas, that hirsute chinless git, pummeling his own franchises with such ham-handedness you could put a piece of bread around each of his mitts and call them BLTs! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/251-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed]

===[[w:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky|S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]]===
* I don’t think I would do very well in a real-world combat scenario. I hate being shouted at and I can’t run very fast while wearing a backpack the size of a cow. Before I would willingly enter a gunfight, the enemy are going to have to strap big glowing red arrows to their heads and promise to stand next to windows, loudly vocalizing every thought that crosses their minds. And by the time my comrades have persuaded them to do that, I’ll have remembered that I’m a massive coward and legged it.
* You know how in most FPSs you're some kind of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take an entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whipped crème and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going in to this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up. The player can't survive more than a measly handful of bullets ripping through their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd  be nothing left but a spinal column and the cornflakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/271-S-T-A-L-K-E-R-Clear-Sky]

===[[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|Silent Hill Homecoming]]===
* The trademark sense of isolation is another point the game misses like a champ, when you are given a spunky female sidekick. This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about.
* It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. 
* Maybe if the original creators of something don't want to continue it then you should listen to them, because otherwise you're only making it to please the fans. And why would you want to do anything for fans? I mean, I'm a Silent Hill fan and I've just spent the whole review whining like a broken motor. Fans are clingy, complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any [[w:Spider-Man 3|concession]] you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices, the happier you'll be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/284-Silent-Hill-Homecoming]

===[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]===
* It just struck me that whenever there's a sandbox crime game, it's always the same gangs: Italians, Yakuza, or street gangsters. You're always either going on about respect, honor, or wearing your belt around your thighs. Y'know what there needs to be? A sandbox crime game where you play a Batman villain! You run around doing dastardly crime equipped with freeze rays and jetpacks, completing story missions that lead up to you building a giant brightly colored doomsday machine shaped like a top hat or something. Then Batman comes along and beats you up because you forgot to strap him into your overly-elaborate, slow-moving death trap, then you mysteriously evade capture in order to come back and do it all again next week. Sadly mankind has yet to recognize my genius, which is incidentally the title I have mind for this project.
* ''Saints Row 2'' shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are dickheads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|If you try to stop them]] doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does ''Saints Row 2'' not stop you, but it keeps score. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/312-Saints-Row-2]

===[[w:Dead Space|Dead Space]]===
* Just for once, I'd like to see a spaceship in a horror game that actually seems like it might have been a nice place to live. You know, tasteful light fittings, elegant laquered wood panels, or at the very least, throw a fucking carpet down now and again. At least that way, it would almost be a surprise when it gets invaded by a horde of flesh-eating mutants. Frankly, if you paint your spaceship gunmetal-gray and fit it with about half as many flickery-ass fluorescent lights as are necessary, then you might as well rename it the USS ''Kill Beast Buffet''!
* I've heard people praise how scary it is, but really all it does is startle, and that's not difficult. I was startled when a possum jumped into my window; that doesn't make it the marsupial answer to Stanley Kubrick![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/333-Dead-Space]

===[[w:Fable II|Fable 2]]===
* The first thing you're gonna need is money. Questing doesn't pay as well as it used to, so you have to get a job. I guess I missed the short story where Conan the Barbarian took up bartending but-- ''No! Bad Yahtzee! Life simulator! Life simulator! Adjust expectations!'' Okay then. You know how in ''The Sims'' you could get a job as a mailroom clerk? You remember how you had to go into the office every single in-game day and play a little mini-game where you fling envelopes into pigeon holes? Of course not! Because it would have been ''really fucking boring!''

* Then you have the option of marrying someone, although why you'd want to is a question the game skillfully avoids. Everyone has the same voices and endlessly repeated dialogue lines, so you'll run into nine clones of your beloved down any given street and none of them will get their tits out when you're bonking them. These are just a few of the excellent reasons why I grew bored after around twelve minutes of happy marriage and decided it was time to murder my entire family. This was the point when I discovered you can't kill children, of course. So much for ''total freedom,'' eh? What, so it's all right for [[w:&quot;Dirty&quot; Harry Callahan|someone else]] to shoot me in the face and throw me off a building when I'm a kid; but the moment I try to spread the love, then ooh, suddenly we're getting ''off message''? And while we're on the subject, why can't I marry my '''dog'''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/346-Fable-2]

===[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]===
* If I had [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson's]] phone number, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd nervously call him up and blurt out something about how ''Darkman'' was all right before slamming the receiver down and running away. But hypothetically, if I wasn't an ''idiot'' and talked him into doing voices for my video game, I'd have him voice a character named Captain Dynamite, who has the face of [[Frank Zappa]] and nuclear missiles instead of legs. He'd fly around the player in a magic space buggy for the entire course of the game sprinkling rose petals and friendship. What I'm saying is I'd make the most of the talent. Bethesda seems to be in the habit of hiring the biggest name voice actors they can find, and having their character drop off the face of the earth before you've even picked a class. They did it to Captain Picard in ''Oblivion'' and now they've done it to Oskar Schindler in ''Fallout 3''.
* Games have spent the last twenty years ingraining into me the instinct that being the stalwart hero of the land basically overrules society's petty ownership laws. Rather an objectivist philosophy on reflection, but I'll be buggered before I unlearn that for one fucking game! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/420-Fallout-3]

===[[w:Guitar Hero World Tour|Guitar Hero World Tour]]===
* The first problem we ran into was that no one wanted to sing! This is less a problem with ''World Tour'' specifically, and more an inherent problem with [[w:Rock Band (video game)|the original concept]], and possibly with the people I hang around with. You see, people who like pretend guitar are introverted nerds who picture themselves as the aloof, crazy-skilled lead guitarist whose hands rattle away at the strings like nervous little crabs while he stares into the middle distance pretending to have forgotten he's holding it. Whereas people who like pretend singing are either screechy center-of-attention types or a normal person who has rendered themselves massively drunk and stumbled upon a jukebox full of [[w:Every Rose Has Its Thorn|80s power ballads]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/452-Guitar-Hero-World-Tour]

===[[w:Mirror's Edge|Mirror's Edge]]===
* For most people, a demo for ''Mirror's Edge'' colored their expectations a shimmering gold, only to realize once they bought the full game that they had been seeing the light reflecting off a stream of piss.
* And yeah, maybe it would be realistic for all that white scenery combined with bright sunlight to bleed together into a big blinding blob, but it doesn't help you avoid dropping off a building for the umpteen bazillionth time. &quot;Oh,&quot; says ''Mirror's Edge'', here manifesting as a designer with a bicycle pump embedded in his skull. &quot;Well, since that's your problem, I guess I'll just set half the game in linear claustrophobic tunnels that undermine the very concept of free running, and then fill them with excessive bloom anyway!&quot; So he did. And then he ate his own shoes. So, essentially flawed concept, dodgy detection, indecisive design, muddy story, unlikeable characters, shocking brevity: put them all together and you get ''essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity!'' And of course ''Mirror's Edge.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/457-Mirrors-Edge]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead|Left 4 Dead]]===
* It's my observation that zombies are second only to ninjas, pirates, and monkeys in the list of things that nerds like and need to shut the fuck up about. They watch movies about them, they dress up like them and wander around irritating commuters in major cities; and it seems every time a hot new engine comes out, some craven optimist will try to make a zombie mod for it, post up one gun model and a piece of concept art before the level designer remembers he's only worked in Lego and the whole thing falls apart. I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs.
* ...The repetition is eased by the so-called &quot;AI Director&quot; -- an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows, who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the points when you need it, and a billion zombies whenever he's bored (which is all the time). Anthropomorphizing the system was probably a shrewd idea, because when cocks rocket skyward, everyone likes having someone to blame who can't defend themselves. I saw someone pray to the AI Director once; this is probably how cults get started![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/459-Left-4-Dead]

===[[w:Sonic Unleashed|Sonic Unleashed]]===
* Sonic the Hedgehog is sort of a rock star of the video gaming industry. He fronted a succession of [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (game)|extremely]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2|popular]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 3|titles]], made enough money to buy St. Paul's Cathedral and grind it into a fine snortable powder, hung around with a lot of [[w:Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower|suspiciously effeminate young boys]], abused a number of [[w:Sonic 3D|forbidden substances]], spiraled downward as inevitably as Al-Qaeda Airways, weathered a few [[w:Sonic and the Secret Rings|very]] [[w:Sega Superstars Tennis|embarrassing]] [[w:Sonic Adventure 2|attempts]] to regrab the spotlight, and now his shows are attended only by people's dads, who can only shake their heads in despair at the unshaven drug-addled spaz on stage whose pathetic [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 game)|spurts of activity]] masquerading as entertainment only serve to highlight both his and his audience's mutual decline into inexorable piss-dribbling old age. All he needs to do now is hang himself on a doorknob while having a wank!
* It's a fairly safe assumption that anyone who ever had any actual talent at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company to an invading force of leprous retards who create design documents by flicking fountain pens at a pile of shredded paper.
* This isn't the game for you if you like jumping right into the action. Come to think of it, this isn't the game for you even if you don't! I'm not sure what kind of person could consider this the game for them, but they probably live in a cave and subsist on raw fish!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/472-Sonic-Unleashed]

===[[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|Prince of Persia]]===
* The ''Prince of Persia'' series as it stands can best be equated to a man who owns a goose that once, when the conditions were exactly right and after being fed a particular kind of food, laid a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|golden egg]]. He then spent the next few years experimenting with the goose's bedding and vitamin intake hoping to recreate the ideal conditions, and after nothing more than a couple of [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|bronze]] and [[w: Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|silver]] eggs plopped out he went the scientific route of chopping it into fritters looking for the secret. And after that didn't work he hastily stitched it back together, dressed it up in glittery fabric and attached some googly eyes. And that's the new ''Prince of Persia'', an appealingly gaudy appearance that fails to disguise the fact that the old bird is ''dead inside''.
* To utterly misquote Benjamin Franklin, &quot;He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/482-Prince-of-Persia]

===[[w:2008 in video gaming|Awards for 2008]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Turd in a Chocolate Box Award for Surprising Poor Quality: [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Mirror's Edge'' was a hot contender for this award, until I remembered that the game's badness didn't come as any surprise to me because it was by EA, and I am apparently more skilled in pattern recognition than most. So the award goes to none other than ''Grand Theft Auto IV'', which decided that the best way to bring in specialty madcap sandbox fun into the new console generation was to dip the graphics in filthy dishwater, construct all the vehicles from depleted uranium, and break up the gameplay every five minutes to make you wheel your fat cousin to places and shovel burgers into his gob. Congratulations go out to all at Rockstar, as soon as someone wakes them up. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Underworld|Tomb Raider: Underworld]]===
* Tomb Raider Underworld's story goes as follows. Lara's looking for her mum, who is dead, only she isn't really; she's just stuck in the afterlife, so maybe she is dead, I dunno. And there's this evil lady who blows up Lara's house because... er... I guess she really doesn't want Lara to find her mum. The story follows on from [[w:Tomb Raider: Legend|''Tomb Raider: Legend'']], which I haven't played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered: Absolutely bloody no one! Especially not myself. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/502-Tomb-Raider-Underworld]

===[[w:Far Cry 2|Far Cry 2]]===
* [[w:University of California, Davis|You see,]] for sandbox gameplay to work, you need a deeply varied world that calls for exploration (a la [[w:Saints Row 2|''Saints Row 2'']]) and/or some kind of clear ultimate goal hovering overhead (a la [[w:Assassin's Creed|''Assassin's Creed'']]). ''Far Cry 2'' has neither. Its approach is to plunk us without instruction in the middle of nowhere and knock off for lunch. It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild, only for it bewilderedly sit on a daisy for several hours before a [[w:Bear Grylls|predator]] comes along and bites its entire body off. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/510-Far-Cry-2]

===[[w:Gears of War 2|Gears of War 2]]===
* ...This is a game for big manly men with pecs like paving slabs. Anyone who shows any emotion besides grim determination or detached gallows humor is going to either die or get his balls kicked so hard that they blast out of his ears. Other ways to tempt fate in this universe include wearing a helmet, not having a sense of humor, and basically being anyone but the kind of person who'd replace their genitals with a minigun if they thought they could get away with it and found something else they could piss out of!
* It's worth remembering that sometimes popular things are popular for a reason -- because they're good, or because Will Smith is in it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/525-Gears-of-War-2]

===[[w:LittleBigPlanet|Little Big Planet]]===
* I feel there's a fundamental difference of philosophy between me and the developers of ''LittleBigPlanet''. They believe that every single person is an [[w:Dr. Manhattan|extra-special god-child]] with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower; and I believe that every single person is a tosser, and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried under garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers, all of which the moderators hastily delete along with anything that looks at them funny. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/530-Little-Big-Planet]

===[[w:Thief:The Dark Project|Thief: The Dark Project]]===
* So it was left to ''Thief'' to have strange and deviant thoughts like, &quot;What if there was a first-person game where you were trying to achieve something other than genocide, where even one or two measly deaths would have the game slap your hands away from the controls and yell, 'What the fuck?'&quot; And thus was born the stealth-em-up.
* Not that a reasonable person could profitably ogle the guards and civilians in ''Thief''. This was still early days of full 3D, so they all looked and moved like badly made origami polio victims. But there was nothing more impishly entertaining than hiding in a shadow listening to a pair of thicko guards discuss nose picking strategies. Then when they heard your stifled giggling, there was nothing more tense than standing stock-still with breath caught as the aforesaid thickoes peered searchingly into the shadows, so close you could practically see their polygonal nostril hairs quivering, as you pray to a god you never believed in that they'll turn around and facilitate a nice swift bop across the bonce. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/544-Thief-The-Dark-Project]

===[[w:Skate 2|Skate 2]]===
* The main character is a faceless, voiceless, nameless jerk who is incarcerated in a prison whose entire inmate population consists of skaters and whose friends instantly assume they'll want to start skating again once he gets out -- which you can't refuse because you can't fucking speak! -- lending credence to the theory that, rather than being heaven for skaters, this is some kind of hell for people  who call skaters masochistic twats.
* I dunno; I can see how ''Skate 2'' would be fun and satisfying for someone who knew what the hell they were doing, but the path to becoming that sort of someone is so arduous and frustrating you're more likely to just yell, &quot;Fuck it!&quot; and go back to ''Rockband''. Maybe today will be the day I finally complete ''Green Hills and High Tides'' [sic] on expert.
* Personally, I felt more sympathetic for the police than the skaters in this game no matter how often they were depicted as power-tripping authoritarian toolbags diabolically infringing upon our personal right to fling ourselves at top speed down a busy pavement and knock somebody's mum into the path of a Fiat Bravo! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/553-Skate-2]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 2|Fear 2]]===
* And of course there's ''F.E.A.R.'''s ongoing pretensions to being horror games. Amusingly there are several occasions when a scary set piece will rely upon you looking in a certain direction at a certain time, which in many cases you won't be. So, while a ghostly vision farts about off-screen, the soundtrack will give a sudden violin shriek while you stare at a menacing window sill.
* Now I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine a world where [[w:Rocky IV|sequels]] are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we'd miss out on genuinely good sequels like [[w:Thief II: The Metal Age|''Thief 2'']] or [[w:Half-Life 2|''Half-Life 2'']], but I think that's a [[w:Metal Gear Solid IV|small]] [[w:Halo 3|price]] to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no [[w:George Lucas|franchises]], so there'd be less fandom, so all the nerds will go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases.  And best of all, endings would have to have some ''fucking closure!'' Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous &quot;to be continued&quot; bullshit, [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (game)|when you have no idea if you'll even make a sequel]], will be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|recurring themes and metaphors]], and [[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|remakes]] will carry the ''death penalty!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Web of Shadows|Spiderman: Web of Shadows]]===
* I know that Spiderman's flaws and humanity are central to his character -- great responsibility, Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy, clone saga, derpy derpy doo -- but I'm sure there's a way to bring that across without making him a whiny little bitch! I don't know who they got to do the voice but he badly needs to make his balls drop, with pliers if necessary.
* ''Web of Shadows'' makes the high-speed web-slinging stay in mopping the floors while the combat goes out to beat up faggots. And combats are never going to be unique again. [[w:God Hand|Fists,]] [[w:God of War (video game)|chains,]] [[w: Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|ropes with spikes on the end,]] [[w:Call of Duty|guns,]] [[w:Ninja Gaiden|swords,]] [[w:Final Fantasy VIII|guns that are also swords]] -  these are all roads well traveled. If I want to hurt people I'll play ''[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War]]'', or prowl the homeless shelters with a knife and garrote wire, but if I want to swing around on webs very fast I'll play ''Spider-Man''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/584-Spiderman-Web-of-Shadows]

===[[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|House of the Dead: Overkill]]===
* ''House of the Dead'' [[w:The House of the Dead 2 &amp; 3 Return|as a series]] has long been the butt of jokes for its atrocious stories, disastrous translation and calamitous voice acting; but at the same time it's also got a history of canny self-parody. [[w:The House of the Dead 2|''House of the Dead 2'']] was re-released as [[w:Typing of the Dead|a surprisingly hilarious typing tutor]] in which the guns were replaced by magical keyboards that blew off zombie limbs and heads with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs, and which I heartily recommend to anyone who feels that zombie massacres need not be precluded from the development of secretarial skills. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/600-House-of-the-Dead-Overkill]

===[[w:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand|50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]]===
* You know what? A society where [[w:Ninja|anyone]] can make jokes about [[w:Pirate|anyone else]] and everyone laughs is a truly tolerant society. Political-correctness-charged censorship only serves to engender [[w:Pirates versus Ninjas|resentment and distance between social groups]]. Besides, gangster rappers don't need defending, they've got guns for that!
* All the other characters talk and act like they're in a rejected Indiana Jones plot; eloquently soliloquizing their motivations while 50 Cent swaggers about slurring thick urban dialect, sticking out like a sausage roll in a soufflé. But if this were deliberate, it would imply some level of sophistication on the part of the writer, which I can't accept. If it were an Indiana Jones plot, it'd be one dictated by a Phantom Menace era George Lucas to a secretary who doesn't speak English.
* Remove your presumptions and we find ourselves playing a game about an extremely rich man, who wears two hats for no adequate reason, destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself -- presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/616-50-Cent-Blood-on-the-Sand]

===[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]===
* ''(on the game's inventory system)'' And here's the really fun part: If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space, too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor! It's all such a fucking unintuitive nuisance, and whoever came up with it should be sent to a special hell where he has to pack shopping for crotchety old women! ...Or perhaps just punched in the stomach.
* But let’s close this review with a revisit of [[w:Resident_Evil_5#Allegations_of_racism|that lovely matter of racism]] that’s been hanging around like a bad smell. ''RE5'' actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. ''Oh, dears!'' Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one really shouldn't worry about this sort of thing unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. [[w:Capcom|Capcom]] aren't bad people, they're just idiots. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/624-Resident-Evil-5]

===[[w:Halo Wars|Halo Wars]]===
* The story so far: I'm embarking upon an occasional quest to play games belonging to [[w:Madden NFL 2009|genres]] I've never really gotten into; a campaign I thoroughly expect to wholeheartedly regret the next time a big [[w:Eternal Sonata|JRPG]] comes out, but mostly due to my excremental boredom with the procession of identical [[w: Halo 3|powered-armor]] [[w:Gears of War 2|space marines]] that clog up mainstream action gaming like so much hyper-masculine mildew. As part of this venture I've been playing ''Halo Wars'', which may come across as a curious choice because it's a game about identical powered-armor space marines — GYAAARGH!
* The business of selecting units is also a right ass, and that may sound like a small complaint, but small things can lead to big problems, like a tiny piece of broken glass lodged in a urinary tract. Games that evolved in PC waters have trouble adapting to a non-mouse controlled environment and RTS is no exception. Lacking click-and-drag, all you can do is select one prick, select one prick and all his prick friends standing within a fixed diameter, select all the pricks on the current screen, or call a great big all-map prick hoedown. So if you just want to, say, select all your flying pricks for a strategic insertion, then you're going to have a bit of prick trouble beyond the might of any soothing cream. 
* [About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after a timer ran out] &quot;We lost contact!&quot; went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words &quot;WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.&quot; appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their [[w:battle-royale-film|Battle Royale]] collars explode!? Did they [[w:Seppuku|lose honor and disembowel themselves]]? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole '''fucking''' mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars|Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars]]===
* The DS meanwhile is not a turd (and good thing, too, with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kinda does its own thing,  It does it well, but ''GTA'' is from a different world. ''Chinatown Wars'' is therefore the bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers from two warring families, tragically shot dead while trying to elope by a hired gun (played in this drama by myself), too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.
* It seems that the weird thing about ''Chinatown Wars'' so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults. Stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality — all the foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/657-Grand-Theft-Auto-Chinatown-Wars]

===[[w:MadWorld|MadWorld]]===
* There really needs to be a name for this sub-genre, so I'm going to make one up: ''spectacle fighters'' - games in which most of the standard baddies are about as effectual as a panda's love spuds, and the emphasis is less on them being challenges to get past and more on them being squirty punching bags to be dispatched in the most spectacular ways. ''[[w:Devil May Cry|Devil May Cry]]'', ''[[w:Viewtiful Joe|Viewtiful Joe]]'', ''[[w:God Hand|God Hand]]'' and arguably ''[[w:Manhunt|Manhunt]]'' are the foamy-mouthed horses that already populate this rowdy stable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/673-MadWorld]

===[[w:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.|Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]]===
* Now I'm no expert on this (or indeed, anything except dick analogies) but I do know that modern military jets are very fucking fast things. By the time you see one it's already over there, so combat in such a thing would usually amount to pressing a button and watching something half a mile behind you burst into flames, and that's not just idle fact it's cold hard speculation. But real life makes not for entertainment, so for this game we're all just going to dogfight in jets like it's nineteen-forty-fucking-five, okay?
* The PMC  point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. ''But then!'' They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X]

===[[w:Siren Blood Curse|Siren Blood Curse]]===
* [[w:Silent Hill 2|Survival horror]] is what I might call my &quot;pet&quot; genre, a pet I keep in the tool shed and feed broken glass, and in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008 my awards for last year] I accused [[w:Dead Space (game)|everything that claimed survival horror status]] of being nothing but a parade of action games where some of the enemies jump very suddenly out of cupboards. But some viewers took issue with that: &quot;What about ''Siren Blood Curse''?&quot; they cried. &quot;While you were blindly clinging to the hope that [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|the new developers would recover ''Silent Hill'' from the dustbin]] with the baked beans and fish heads cleaned off, the PS3 was enjoying a true original survival horror game full of all that Japanese-style horror you hold in such high esteem, watashi wa baka gaijin, etc. etc.&quot; So, all right, I guess I'm going to have to put my hands up to that one. Yes, there was at least one survival horror game last year - it's just that it was ''rubbish''.
* That's the other major problem I have: When you play ''Siren'', you do things it's way. It has that adventure game problem of every challenge having one ''and only one'' solution. &quot;You will step in line, motherfucker, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off back to your sandbox.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/696-Siren-Blood-Curse]

===[[w:The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena|The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena]]===
* My theory is that ''Dark Athena'' consists of two mission packs that were inexpertly mashed together, after it became clear that the second one was too short and too shit. It's in this chapter that we're introduced to the &quot;spider turret&quot;, a small wall-mounted enemy that is very hard to spot and which can knock off all your health in two hits from two continents away -- an enemy which can only have been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of sixteenth century puritans working to eliminate the very concept of fun.
* Riddick in [[w:Pitch Black (film)|''Pitch Black'']] had some personality, a sense of humor, actual flaws and ambiguous morals — you know, like what us tiresome ''human beings'' have. But now he's just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growl threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that are supposed to make him sound like a warrior poet but more give the impression that he has fortune cookie papers glued to the inside of his goggles! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/714-The-Chronicles-of-Riddick-Assault-on-Dark-Athena]

===[[w:Valkyria Chronicles|Valkyria Chronicles]]===
* Work has been put into giving every soldier a distinct face, personality, and one-line back story, which is probably just intended to make us give a shit, but was really useful in helping me remember the useless fatheads. There was this one guy, a sniper, looked like he was suffering from reverse aging and he just felt his testicles being absorbed into his body, seemed to hit maybe one out of every ten shots, and every time I brought him along, the enemy would always aim for him first. It was uncanny. It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull sucked every passing bullet right into his face.
* ''Valkyria Chronicles'' helped me come to two distressing realizations about myself -- firstly, that I might technically be a Nazi sympathizer; and secondly, that turn-based strategy is something I might be able to get into. Here and there in battle, I caught myself getting slightly entertained. but ''Valkyria Chronicles'' messes itself around too much. Aside from the action being outnumbered five to one by cutscenes and muddy menu-driven micromanagement motherfuckery, enemies should not be able to shoot you when it's not their fucking turn! It's like an opponent in chess flicking elastic bands at your pawns while you're trying to think. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/724-Valkyria-Chronicles]

===[[w:Velvet Assassin|Velvet Assassin]]===
* So it's a third person stealth game with a ''Splinter-Cell''-crossed-with-''Hitman''-crossed-with-''Schindler's-List'' sort of feel, with a dash of ''Thief's'' atmosphere and a sprinkling of ''Metal Gear Solid's'' confused vaguely anti-war bullshit message.
* I have a special little black hole in my cold obsidian heart for stealth gameplay, but it's like owning a tiger. It's very impressive if you know how to look after it, but if you don't you're going to be cleaning massive dollops of your former children off of the kitchen floor. Instant game-overs the moment the guards so much as smell your farts are an example of bad stealth. And while ''Velvet Assassin'' does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, you have a bad haircut, so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen ''hyperbolillionth'' time.
* One thing's for sure: This definitely wasn't an American production because, if it was, it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violet watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and ''Valkyria Chronicles'', what's with all the World War Two games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/739-Velvet-Assassin]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever]]===
*My one criticism for ''Duke Nukem Forever'' is that it comes on fourteen DVDs, but I'd expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display, and a good thing too. I mean, hypothetically, if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super-game and had merely been jerking off for twelve years, then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys, but there are also investors (who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people) who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they've never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining than a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people who still genuinely believe that something half-decent could come out of this rigmarole would say, &quot;That's tragic.&quot; '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that is not tragic, that is how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by Social Services. But anyway, the point was, I'm just glad I don't live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I'd better stop here, because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we'd go pony trekking under the sea. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever]

===[[w:Bionic Commando (2009 video game)|Bionic Commando]]===
*The bionic commando, a character so lasting and dynamic that I completely forgot his name, is on death row for... being a bionic commando apparently. But then a group of radical bionics nuke a city to make everyone realize what harmless and level-headed people they are, so the government give our hero his arm back and send him in, but they call him up every five minutes to call him a tosser so at least they're not hypocrites. Also, there's a subplot concerning his missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is ''officially'' the most ''retarded'' thing I've heard since I called the walrus hotline! Whatever, I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch - I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/759-Bionic-Commando]

===[[w:Infamous (video game)|inFamous]]===
*In my [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2 ''FEAR 2'' review] I made the point that government supersoldier projects are a flawed premise because any death machine with free will will inevitably notice that there's something iffy about taking orders from cabals of aging generals when they could beat bears to death from across the room using only their prostates. If superpowers are to be had handing them out to random passers-by seems as good a system as any, because then we could all ask ourselves whether we'd use the gift to help people or blow up the entire world. Of course I would ask why we can't have more options. Can't I just help people as a day job and destroy the world on the weekends? Or maybe I'd just fuck the whole complicated business and go back to working at Wal-Mart, using my powers to jump-start the little carts the fatties ride around on.
* Anyway, everyone knows that a ''really'' evil person would take the good options to create a facade of benevolence while slowly building their power base and public confidence until, just when you least expect it... '''BAM!''' Off-world slavery. And even then the Republicans would probably still vote for them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/767-inFamous]

===[[w:Electronic Entertainment Expo 2009|The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]]===
*'''[[w:Kinect|Project Natal!]]''' I know they pronounced it &quot;Nat-ahl&quot;, but I'm going to keep calling it &quot;Nay-tal&quot; because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a [[w:Milo and Kate|dead-eyed CG ten-year-old]] while [[w:Peter Molyneux|Peter Molyneux]] stands in the background gushing about it. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one &quot;unwinds&quot; by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre]
*'''[[w:Sonic All-Stars Racing|Sonic All-Stars Racing!]]''' First thought: &quot;Why the fuck does [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic the Hedgehog]] need a car?&quot; Second thought: &quot;Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?&quot;

===[[w:Prototype (video game)|Prototype]]===
*''Prototype'' still wins, though, because a sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[w:Infamous_(video_game)|Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly like emo Peter Pan. I'd say it was, &quot;Made of win,&quot; but if I did I'd have to strangle myself.
* Again, zapping people in the balls is really the only schadenfreude to be had in ''inFamous'', and ''Prototype'' absolutely skull-fucks it in the dicking around event: Eat an old man, take his appearance, run all they way up the tallest building, then elbow-drop two hundred stories directly onto his confused and frightened wife. Then sneak up behind two soldiers and eat one without his friend noticing, then when the two of you get back to base, accuse your friend of being you in disguise.  Then when all the other soldiers are distracted shooting him, EAT THEM, TOO! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/789-Prototype]

===[[w:The Sims 3|The Sims 3]]===
* Truly, my objection comes because what I am is a critic of ''games'', not a critic of computer programs that you just fuck around in!
*This may sound a little bit hysterical but ''The Sims'' is probably the most evil game in the world. It's not the [[w:Manhunt (video game)|''Manhunt'']] kind of evil that convinces children to put each others' heads in plastic bags - that's pussy evil. It's not even the [[w:World of Warcraft|''World of Warcraft'']] type of evil that turns millions of people into mindless zombies, doomed to walk the earth devouring pizza and Cheetos. No, ''The Sims'' is evil out of a sense of underlying wrongness. Despite physical appearance every character feels the same, a facade of wholesomeness stretched over a dead empty interior, a hive-like community of beings who make an effort to imitate human behavior but don't quite grasp the subtleties. And you just know that if you peel their skin back you'll find reptilian scales or a black chitinous exoskeleton. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/800-The-Sims-3]

===[[w:Ghostbusters: The Video Game|Ghostbusters: The Video Game]]===
*People or properties more commonly associated with famous [[w:Steven Spielberg|movies]], [[w:Clive Barker|books]], birthday card messages, etc, decide to grace the video game industry with [[w:Boom Blox|their]] [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|presence]] and everyone's all like, &quot;Ooh, show us how it's done great sensei, because we've honestly just been guessing up to now!&quot; It belies not only the endless disrespect video games receive, but also gaming's collective self-esteem problem. If something worked as a movie, then that qualifies it to work as a sequence of amusing lights and sounds that hold the average scumbag's jaw slacked for around two hours. Whereas a video game has to stand up to about ten hours of unpleaseable nerds like me turning over every rock looking for stuff to complain about. My point is, asking a filmmaker to make a game is like asking a sausage maker to suck off a pig. You can sort of see the logical connection there, but it's a completely different skillset and the effort will just leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/811-Ghostbusters-The-Video-Game]

===[[w:Overlord 2|Overlord 2]]===
*''Overlord 2'' plonks you in the usual generic fantasy world and into the big Renaissance Faire booties of some guy who at least subscribes to the same magazines as [[w:Sauron|Lord Sauron]], and your task is to use an army of giggling imp minions to... Actually that's a good point; what the fuck are we doing here? Taking over the world, probably, not that they ever tell you that. I guess once you put your big spiky helmet on over your glowing eyes and raised an army of demons to do your bidding, you can't exactly go back to business school.
* Also, is there a specific imp who has died and for whom you had a particular fondness? No there isn't, you fucking liar, they're all identical! But just in case there is (if you're the kind of person who assigns personalities to their dining room chairs), then you can resurrect specific ones for a small price, you weirdo. You see, the imps fail to endear themselves to me, which could be because they control like ass! A fat one to be precise, sitting on a pair of stilts with roller skates on the end.
* You see, while it is true that people enjoy being a dick in games, it stops being fun when the game actually wants you to be a dick. It's less about dickishness itself and more about defying the rules. That's why it's more fun to be a dick in, say, ''Half Life 2'' because the game is desperately trying to make you out as the hero even while you're jumping on someone's head throwing broken bottles into people's eyes. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/822-Overlord-2]

===[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]===
*After that a load of boring plot happened, and I was let into the real game and still brimming with [[w:Thor|Viking rage]], my first instinct was to see what effect [[w:Mjöllnir|Mjöllnir]] would have on the nearest human being. For the first blow they just told me to stop arsing around, and on the second their spine snapped neatly in half. Hah! Teach him to tell me what to do. But then a little message came up saying that my morale had gone down. No, it fucking hadn't, ''Red Faction Guerrilla''! Now get out of the way so I can break all your stuff! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/834-Red-Faction-Guerrilla]

===[[w:Wii Sports Resort|Wii Sports Resort]]===
*''Wii Sports Resort'' is mostly functional and you could probably have a lot of fun playing it with friends or some children you intend to molest. But I oppose it because I see what it represents: a dead end. Your motion sensor could have full 1:1 control and incorporate a twenty-two function Swiss Army knife, but that won't change the fact that without physical feedback, motion controls are unimmersive! In the long run, they can only hope to sucker in casual gamers with teaspoon-shallow minigames like Wii Sports, the gaming equivalent of the cartoon cinemas used to play before the film. I say stop buying the Wii, fuck [[w:Project Natal|Project Natal]] up the arse, and maybe this whole motion sensor trend can fuck off and make room for the next innovation. Like cyberspace! Or a controller made of fruit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/844-Wii-Sports-Resort]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood|Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]]===
*At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges; and as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot!
* They could even have had three-way co-op, let the third guy play as &quot;Wee-um&quot;. Press X to hide, press triangle to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/860-Call-of-Juarez-Bound-in-Blood]

===[[w:The Conduit|The Conduit]]===
*I read in the gaming journals that ''The Conduit'' uses [[w:Quantum3#Quantum3_engine|special technology]] that makes it look as good as games on the [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|PS3]] and [[w:Gears of War 2|Xbox.]] Then I waited a few minutes for the punchline, but apparently they were serious! To put it charitably, the game is ''fucking ugly''! This isn't even because of the Wii. I've seen [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|better-looking Wii games]] and even [[w:Metroid Prime|Gamecube games]] - this is more on the level of a PS2 that someone's trodden on. I can't remember the last time I saw a game depict a skyline by painting one on a wall and erecting it a few feet away from the window. That's shit I'd expect from a [[w:Tex Murphy|Tex Murphy]] game, and Christ, this is turning into a good review for [[w:Under a Killing Moon|obscure references]], isn't it?
* The sole element ''The Conduit'' can claim as a unique gameplay mechanic is a glorified flashlight that reveals invisible locking mechanisms, essentially doing nothing but an extra phase to the &quot;press button, open door&quot; routine. Don't worry if you're not keen on scavenger hunts, though, because the presence of a nearby invisible thing is helpfully indicated by the soundtrack going, &quot;BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!&quot; while you're still trying to clear the room of those fucking insidious scuttlefuck spawners. &quot;''BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!''&quot;  And then when you think you've cleared the room and put your weapon away to shut the fucking thing up; Lo and behold! There was another monster spawner on the ceiling you couldn't see because you can't look up! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/869-The-Conduit]

===[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill 2]]===
* You see, ''Silent Hill 2'' isn't just a game I think is good. ''Silent Hill 2'' is the game I replay every now and again to remind myself that, for all the shiny brown/quick time event/RPG element/space marines, gaming is still worth defending. If I were Batman, ''Silent Hill 2'' would be my murdered parents, if you see what I mean.
*''Silent Hill 2'' is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in [[w:Sigmund Freud|symbolism]], the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of [[w:Pyramid Head|Pyramid Head]] (in his first appearance before he totally sold out) an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/878-Silent-Hill-2]

===[[w:'Splosion Man|2.5D]] [[w:Trine(video game)|Hoedown]]===
* '' 'Splosion Man'' puts me in mind of [[w:N+|N+]] crossed with ''[[w:Portal (game)|Portal]]'', and then crossed with ''Portal'' a few more times until very little of ''N+'' remained. It's set in a futuristic laboratory like the one in ''Portal'', but it doesn't get suspicious until you find your first ''cake''. There's one on every level you can get for extra points, which is obviously way better than ''Portal'' which just had the one, and even that one was of questionable status. And you remember how ''Portal'' memorably featured [[w:Still Alive (song)|a jaunty song with quirky lyrics?]] '' 'Splosion Man'' has ''three''. I appreciate that you have to do whatever it takes to stand out in the indie market, but '' 'Splosion Man'' really is trying too hard, like an insecure man who goes to work in bright green trousers so the people will pay attention to him, if only for long enough to tell him to change his stupid green trousers. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/892-2-5D-Hoedown]

===[[w:Tales of Monkey Island|Tales of Monkey Island]]===
* ''Monkey Island'' was part of my childhood. I had the [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|first]] [[w:Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge|two]] on my [[w:Amiga|Amiga]] - don't suppose you embryos would remember those times when a game like ''Monkey Island 2'' came on twelve floppy disks and playing it was like operating an old-fashioned switchboard? The first two games are still timelessly imaginative, sparkling, and very very funny, and therefore have no place in this review. The problem with the [[w:The Curse of Monkey Island|later]] [[w:Escape from Monkey Island|installments]] is the usual one that occurs when a series has been in cryogenics for a few years in that the new developers are almost always ''fans'' who, in their eagerness to show &quot;respect&quot; for their beloved franchise, prefer to lavish it in tongue baths in place of any significant evolution. In the second episode of ''Tales of Monkey Island'', a character whistles a snatch of music from ''Monkey Island 2,'' which might have been kind of cool if he had not then said, ''&quot;GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT MUSIC'S FROM, HMM?! HMM?! Wink-wink! Slurp-slurp! Tongue bath!&quot;'' I'm reminded of a cat showing affection to its owner by gobbing a dead bird onto his rug. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/901-Tales-of-Monkey-Island]

===[[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|Wolfenstein]]===
* You know what future historians will say about us, right? There were two very different games within the same twenty-year period, both called ''Wolfenstein'' and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the [[w:Wolfenstein 3D|first.]] From this we conclude that the people of the early 21st century were ''taking the piss!'' It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the [[w:First-person shooter|genre]], but ''Wolfenstein'' (the new one that is) subscribes to so many of the cliches of [[w:Gears of War 2|current]] [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|generation]] [[w:F.E.A.R. 2|action]] [[w:Halo 3|games]] that it's like ''[[w:The Spy Who Loved Me (film)|The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' of FPSs. It's so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That's why I've decided to review it... ''in limerick form!''

* In the tumultuous time before D-day / There once was man named BJ / With chocolate box hair / And a face like a bear / And a jacket he picked up on E-bay.
* Your gun is of course your best friend / On which you must always depend / When you get into fights / You can look down the sights / And bullets come out of the end. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein]

===[[w:Batman: Arkham Asylum|Batman Arkham Asylum]]===
*I had my doubts about ''Arkham Asylum'' because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when ''you're Batman'', a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit - and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit - but I just love that bit in ''The Dark Knight'' when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from ''The Departed'', until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye.
* Also, it's amazing how I only really care about auto-run after it's been taken away. If I fail to hold down &quot;X&quot; every single time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his ass. I thought we perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it half way to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for... I dunno, the &quot;bat spank?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/926-Batman-Arkham-Asylum]

===[[w:The Beatles: Rock Band|Beatles Rock Band]] and [[w:Guitar Hero 5|Guitar Hero 5]]===
* Rhythm games are a bit of an indictment of our generation, aren't they? Why yes, I ''would'' like to clarify that position! We've never had a decent war to give us any sense of mutual achievement or confidence, so we place anyone with the slightest talent or notoriety on ridiculous pedestals and tell ourselves we could never reach them because we're just so shit! And then ''Rock Band'' and ''Guitar Hero'' say, &quot;Yes! You are shit! Real guitar's not in ''your'' league; all the shit will come off your shitty fingers and clog up the fretboard! But never mind; here's something that isn't much like playing real guitar but kind of looks like it, and that's the best ''you'' could hope for, isn't it, you empty, hopeless turd?!&quot; Let me ask you something, ''Guitar Hero'': Do you really want to create a generation surfing across mediocrity on a wave of plinky-plonky plastic? And when the fuck are you going to license ''Stairway to Heaven''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/941-Beatles-Rock-Band-and-Guitar-Hero-5]

===[[w:Darkest of Days|Darkest of Days]]===
*When you're dealing with time travel it's important to establish whose rules are in play. Is this ''[[w:12 Monkeys|12 Monkeys]]'' rules where you can't change shit? Or ''[[w:Back to the Future|Back to the Future]]'' rules where you can change shit but the time line is kind of easygoing about it? Or ''[[w:Terminator_(franchise)|Terminator]]'' rules where [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|you can change shit,]] but then [[w:Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines|maybe you can't change shit,]] and then you make a [[w:Terminator:_The_Sarah_Connor_Chronicles|God-awful TV series]] and [[w:Christian_Bale#Terminator_Salvation_incident|Christian Bale yells at someone?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/957-Darkest-of-Days]

===[[w:Scribblenauts|Scribblenauts]]===
* I feel sorry for people who are god, and I shouldn't because that's like feeling sorry for Paris Hilton.
* Don't ask how I got into this situation but, on one level, I had a truck hanging [[w:Italian Job| ''Italian Job'']]-style over a lava pit with a star embedded in an ice block sitting on the end. I had an ice pick and all I had to do was carefully move along the truck, smash the ice and get the star. Even if I fell into the lava, if I had the star, I'd still win, with an agonizing, flesh-vaporizing victory dance. But as I tapped on the block to break it, it shifted slightly and I clicked the background. And fuck! it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do that! He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a clown when he grew up. I'd call him a fucking drunken spastic, but apparently those words don't exist.
*If I were feeling charitable, I'd liken it to having infinite amounts of Lego and only being allowed to access ten blocks of it at a time. But it's not even that. It's more like no-clipping through ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]'' with all the lights turned up; all the content with no structure or entertainment value; not so much a game as a developer showing off. Congratulations [[w:5th Cell|guys]], you've proved that you have a fuck-load of free time and a dictionary. Come back when you've looked up what &quot;fun&quot; means. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/969-Scribblenauts]

===[[w:WET (video game)|Wet]]===
* There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon.
*The main character is Rubi, a tomboy-ish assassin who's about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim; and this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a fifteen-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is [[w:Russ Meyer|Russ Meyer]] and you built an [[w:Supervixens|entire]] [[w:Faster,_Pussycat!_Kill!_Kill!|film-making]] [[w:Beyond_the_Valley_of_the_Dolls|career]] around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. ''That's MY thing''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/981-Wet]

===[[w:Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story|Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]]===
*I don't have a problem with aiming games at kids, although I do despise kids. Seriously, I don't think you quite grasp how much I loathe children. Given three wishes, I'll ask for a puppy, a decent chip sandwich and for every child-bearing womb on the planet to pop out and fly away like a cheery parade of greasy red balloons. But while kids are pretty fucking stupid - I mean, even with all the crayons in the world, they still can't draw a fucking house - that doesn't mean you can't ''try'' to challenge them. When I was a kid, we played games where you had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you! Kids today get their hands held so hard their fingers turn white and drop off! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1007-Mario-Luigi-Bowsers-Inside-Story]

===[[w:Brütal Legend|Brütal Legend]]===
* It's difficult to put down in words my opinion of Tim Schaffer but, basically, if I had access to a doomsday machine, I'd reduce the entire population of the world to me, Tim Schaffer, and maybe a woman (if she promised to wear a Tim Schaffer mask).
* I ask you now: How many more genres have to be sacrificed to the sandbox monster before we remember the importance of specialization? We've already lost the RPGs, the racers, the shooters, the brawlers, [[w:Rub-a-dub-dub|the bakers, the candlestick makers]] - all stouped together into games of all trades, masters [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|of]] [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|none.]] And now we're losing real-time strategy; where does it end? Will I one day be refused the straight-line block in ''Tetris'' until I've journeyed to the Sargoth Plains and recovered the fifty sacred horse-bollocks? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1044-Brutal-Legend]

===[[w:Washington D.C.|Washington D.C.]]===
* Yeah, that raises the question: If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation? If you got, like, Siamese twins... who share the same, like, downstairs parts, and one of them consents and the other one doesn't... is it rape?  I mean, if the other one consents?   It's like a... it's a timeshare vagina. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1060-Washington-DC]

===[[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|Uncharted 2: Among Thieves]]===
* [''Uncharted: Drake's Fortune''] wasn't awful, but it had fewer original thoughts than the BBC program planning department. It had one ball from ''Gears of War'' in its mouth and another from ''Tomb Raider'' and was sucking for all it's might. The plot was removed by cesarean section from an Indiana Jones movie so sloppily that doctors were unable to save any of the relatable characters or coherent motivations; and also took a lead from the [[w: The Da Vinci Code (film)| Dan Brown]] school of puzzles. i.e. present the viewer some ancient riddle, then immediately solve it for them because if they were smart they wouldn't be watching this piss.
* Like a supermodel who was considered ugly because she wears a baggy sweater, Drake is generically handsome beneath the strategically-placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble; supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded, gibbon-armed-flailing jumping technique; and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacement in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria - although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game, he has now moved on to non-American whites. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1078-Uncharted-2-Among-Thieves]

===[[w:Dragon Age: Origins|Dragon Age: Origins]]===
*''Dragon Age'' calls itself a &quot;Dark Fantasy&quot;. It's rather cute, really, like a D&amp;D nerd getting his ear pierced because he fancies the goth girl who works at Starbucks. ''Dragon Age'' isn't Dark Fantasy, nor is it Light Grey, Avocado, or Caffeine-Free Fantasy -- it's just straight Fantasy Classic; it's a straight-line Tetris block wiping out four big, fat rows of demand for traditional single-player RPGs. Its got elves, dwarves, dragons, it's got a title screen depicting a sword sticking out of the ground, and the world map looks like a fire-breathing coffee drinker's been sick on it. We're talking 100% commitment here, where every individual element could be taken out of context and every single one could make your girlfriend legitimately call you a sad bastard.
* I remember hearing somewhere that ''Dragon Age'' contained nine novels worth of text, which didn't really sell it to me. Who the fuck sits down to read nine novels at once, if they don't live in the fucking Bastille?! So about seventy five percent of your playtime is spent making rather creepy loving eye contact with NPCs as they talk about the weather, the political situation, and the small group of ogres who are standing behind you and who will stove in your head with lead pipes literally the very instant this conversation ends, all in the same placid tone of voice, even when you're freshly battled and your body is spotted with blood splatters like a menstruating leper, which makes everyone in the world seem a little bit mental. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1096-Dragon-Age-Origins]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2]]===
* &quot;Unimpressed by our [[w:Controversies_surrounding_Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_2#.22No_Russian.22_Mission|controversy]], are you?&quot; says [[w:Infinity Ward|Infinity Ward]]. &quot;Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!&quot; Remember how, in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X my ''HAWX'' review], I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, ''MW2'' skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe.
* At the point when I was ramping a snowmobile over a sixty foot abyss, I realized that all pretense of realism had been savagely dropped and they had opted to write some demented and confusing James Bond story where James Bond gets murdered half an hour in to be replaced by a bloke called, &quot;Bames Jond.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1118-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-2]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed 2|Assassin's Creed 2]]===
* Being European, there's an old saying I'm quite fond of: In Heaven, the food is Italian, the police are British, the [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|platformers are French]], the [[w:Serious Sam|shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by [[w:Nintendo|two international]] [[w:Microsoft|software giants]] and an [[w:Sony|electronics corporation]]. In Hell, the food is British, the [[w:Too Human|shooters are Canadian]], and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers. About the only important things Italy ever did were the Renaissance and murdering Jesus - deicide and a whole bunch of painters running around being gay. But it's in that gay painty period of history that we find the setting of ''Assassin's Creed 2,'' or to use its other name, &quot;Ubisoft's 20-hour ''Assassin's Creed 1'' Repentance.&quot;
* Yes! Someone at Ubisoft thankfully started taking practicality pills, and Ezio can actually run at full pelt down a street without guards getting suspicious, because this is Renaissance Italy, where it's more suspicious to ''not'' dress and act like a complete bell-end. Also thank fuck there's a fast travel system now, and you don't have to take lengthy horse journeys between every fucking mission. Unless you want to. Like if you've got a lady friend 'round and you want to hypnotize her with the sight of a horse's ass bobbing up and down for half an hour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1148-Assassins-Creed-2]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead 2|Left 4 Dead 2]] &amp; [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|New Super Mario Bros Wii]]===
*Nintendo's Mario team really don't seem to have any ambition besides subsisting on bits of crust they can scrape from the pimply underbelly of nostalgia, lest anything as dangerous as a new idea appear in their brains and give them a fucking seizure! But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, &quot;This shit will not fly!&quot;[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1191-Left-4-Dead-2-New-Super-Mario-Bros-Wii]

===[[w:Demon's Souls|Demon's Souls]]===
*Eventually though I got through the first dingy castle full of jerks and found the first demon, which was a giant slow-moving cowpat. Probably fitting for the very first tier but I was starting to think the game was making fun of me. Anyway, some helpful prior player advised me via the medium of floor to use fire-based weapons, so I opened the menu to put some fire on my sword, whereupon I was cowpatted to death because opening the menu doesn't pause the game. &quot;''Pause?!''&quot; it seemed to say. &quot;What kind of faggot are you? I don't care if you need to answer the phone, real gamers have no friends!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1321-Demons-Souls]

===Holiday 2009===
*Oh, what the fuck are ''you'' doing here? It's Christmas! Haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday! ... (That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that Northern Hemisphere weather is workin' out for ya.) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1340-Holiday-2009]

===[[w:The Saboteur (2009 video game)|Saboteur]]===
* I think I've realized the problem with World War II games: It's that everyone already knows how they're going to end! A load of fascists with hard-ons for sausages and hanging big red banners on everything take over continental Europe, spread themselves over too many fronts like a single-cunted hooker filling in for her triple-cunted friend, Hitler kills himself just in time for some Russians to come and laugh at his mono-bollock, and an entire sub-genre of alternate history fiction is born.
* Paris is one of those old European cities where the roads have been built up over the centuries from the ancient dirt tracks where some proto-Frenchman long ago left a sickly goat out in the sun to create the very first disgusting cheese. So that leaves us with a lot of narrow, twisty roads inhabited by lots of nuns, poodles, and strolling lovers in the brief moments before they all get tangled up in your wheel arches.
* I've honestly lost count of all the ways I've killed Nazis in my life as a gamer. I've killed them in linear [[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|first-]] and [[w:BloodRayne|third-person]], sandbox [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|first-]] and third-person, I've shot their planes down in [[w:IL-2 Sturmovik: Birds of Prey|flight sims]], I've [[w:List of Mario series characters#Bullet Bill|invaded their installations]] in [[w:Company of Heroes|RTSes]], and in [[w:Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis|the Indiana Jones adventure games]], I've point-and-clicked their lights out. Now ''The Saboteur'' has let me beat the Nazis in a go-kart race, so all I have to do now to have the full collection is smack a Nazi to death with a ''Guitar Hero'' controller! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1353-Saboteur]

===[[w:2009 in video gaming|Awards for 2009]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die: [[w:Michael Atkinson (politician)|Michael Atkinson]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;After [[w:Super Mario Bros. Wii|Super Mario Bros. Wii]] was just an NES Mario game with four times the bullshit, I was tempted to give this award to Mario, but frankly, it's a little too obvious, and complaining about Mario's undying nature is like using a shield and claymore to take on a speeding train. So instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson, a South Australian attorney general who continues to ensure that half the games get [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|banned]] or [[w:Left 4 Dead 2|censored]] and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation ''and'' the world every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old ''fuck''.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1367-Awards-for-2009]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Torchlight|Torchlight]]===
* I have a lot of respect for the fantasy peasant village economic model. It seems like those guys have got a good scam going on. First you accidentally build your settlement within easy walking distance of the local gnoll encampment or dragon cave or directly on top of a gateway to Hell, then all you have to do is build a big fat checkpoint in the village square and keep giving birth to potential kidnap victims, and your storekeeper, your blacksmith, your tailor and your innkeeper, they'll all be set for fucking life! Okay, someone's pretty daughter gets dragged off by kobolds every other night, but hey, you've cornered the lucrative adventurer market. Just buy another one! I bet this is why NPCs in RPG peasant villages never move from a single spot directly in front of their place of business; if they move, all the adventurer money in their pockets will pull their trousers down. Presumably, they pay a helper gnome to come along every morning to shovel breakfast cereal into their mouths. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1385-Torchlight]

===[[w:Darksiders|Darksiders]]===
* Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': The Chump Chop (square), The Double Chump Chop (square, square), and The Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha (square, square, square).
*[[w:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse#Red Horse|War]] has absolutely no personality; he's a great big brick that gets in fights, going about things with an air of cold, angsty dispassion. He doesn't seem to give a toss about anything he does, so why should I? And what right does War have to be angsty about his life? He's fucking War! He's never had to queue up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer; he just breaks things! If I were War, and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling; I'd go, &quot;Fucking hell! Did anyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders]

===[[w:Bayonetta|Bayonetta]]===
*I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of [[w:Common sage|sages]] and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter scarf]] who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta]

===[[w:Dark Void|Dark Void]]===
*After two years of this, I thought I was immune to being [[w:Brütal Legend|disappointed by games.]] Whoops, that's my entire opinion on ''Dark Void'' given away in one sentence, isn't it? But stick with me, there's more to this! It's not that I went into ''Dark Void'' thinking it would be good, because I don't go into any games thinking they'll be good. If I have to search through a dumpster for a lost wedding ring, I could try to convince myself that the dumpster will be full of cakes and freshly-picked flowers, but I'll only be fooling myself. ''Dark Void'' is a dumpster that appeared to be full of rusty dog food tins, but once I got in I realized they were actually delicious novelty cakes made to look like rusty dog food tins. But then once I started eating them, I discovered that the icing was made from wallpaper paste and cyanide, and that's why I feel it let me down. I wonder if the [[w:Geneva Convention|Geneva Convention]] covers torturing metaphors? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1433-Dark-Void]

===[[w:Borderlands (video game)|Borderlands]]===
* '''Alright! Fine!''' For fuck's sake! I'll review ''Borderlands'' if it'll make you shut up! Except it won't, will it? We both know nothing can do that short of surgically removing your fucking jaw. And even then you can still drool down my ear.
* I suppose this is geared to the mumorpuger crowd, who are well known for putting up with all the samey grind in the world if it means they get experience points and fancy weapons with blue names at the end of it. I've had a great idea for a game these people would love. It comes with a special USB glove peripheral and you get one experience point for each time you punch yourself in the face!
* And it might be true that it becomes tolerable if you do it with some friends around, but so is dying of bowel cancer. And that way they might even feel obliged to take you sky diving! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1448-Borderlands]

===[[w:Mass Effect 2|Mass Effect 2]]===
* The writing's solid, but then Bioware don't score points for that anymore. Birds fly, fish swim, Michael Attkinson molests dogs, and Bioware games have good writing. But when the characters deliver the dialogue, they always come down with the &quot;Bioware face&quot; -- that uncanny valley-esque look of oddness because the voices and the physical movements are created separately. You can almost see them going over their stage directions in their heads: &quot;Hello, Commander Shepard (wave hand). I heard you might show up today (nod head). How about those freaky aliens, eh (shake fist, grr grr, slightly racist undercurrent)?&quot;
* So ''Mass Effect 2'' is very well-written and epic and immersive and all that, but gameplay-wise, it's still flailing around like a neurotic twenty-something checkout girl trying to find the right combination of hats and dresses. They discarded the ugly yellow sunhat of vehicle sections, and tried on the frumpy brown frock of resource mining and it's still not quite working. For ''Mass Effect 3'' - and I know there will be a ''Mass Effect 3'' because the loading screens rather unsubtly remind you to hang onto your save games - they should try bringing back the planet surface exploration, but let you navigate the terrain with ''jetpacks!'' And populate it with giant wolves that shoot lasers out of their mouths! If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''[[w:EVE Online|EVE Online!]]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1461-Mass-Effect-2]

===[[w:Dante's Inferno (video game)|Dante's Inferno]]===
* [[w: Dante's Inferno| ''The Divine Comedy'']] really does paint God as a little bit, &quot;Two choir boys short of a molestation racket,&quot; if all that Old Testament business didn't already tip you off. &quot;Hey!&quot; says God, &quot;I've made it so it feels really really good to stick certain body parts together and jiggle them around, and hard-wired your brain to want to do it pretty much twenty-four/seven between the ages of thirteen and seventy. But if you actually do it without a special permission slip from the church, then I'm going to light you on fire! And that's just in purgatory. If you also didn't spend every Sunday reminding me what a level-headed and, if I may say so, strikingly handsome fellow I am, then I'm also going to staple your cock shut and feed you to a wolf.&quot;
*You have one set of upgrades for holy experience and one for [[w:Black Sabbath|unholy]]. &quot;Ah ha ha ha ha ''ha''!&quot; you might say. &quot;Moral choice system, hmmm?&quot; &quot;Well, not really,&quot; I would reply. &quot;More a violent option or equally violent but better spirited option.&quot; &quot;And I ''suppose,''&quot; you would continue, &quot;that since holy points are slightly harder to get that holy upgrades would be slightly better, and that it all might be leading toward some alternative ending scenario where too many damnations land you a big, fat, steaming two-bedroom apartment made of poo and sawblades on the [[w:Inferno (Dante)#Ninth Circle (Betrayal)|Ninth Circle]]?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; say I. &quot;I presume that was the original intention, but I guess they used up the ending cinematic budget rendering Dante's hairy bum (spoiler alert) and the upgrade tracks are pretty much equivocal.&quot; &quot;So what's the point of having two separate experience levels?&quot; you ask. &quot;Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,&quot; I say. &quot;Why is that?&quot; you ask. &quot;It beats the ''fuck'' out of me!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno]

===[[w:BioShock 2|BioShock 2]]===
*So the wallpaper paste-squirting bean counters from 2K asked themselves what was a popular aspect of ''[[w:BioShock|BioShock 1]]'' we could focus on in the sequel in order to wring as many pennies as we can out of the property, and someone said &quot;The [[w:Big Daddy (BioShock)|Big Daddies]] of course! I think you should get to play as one.&quot; &quot;What?&quot; said someone else. &quot;Those haunting monstrous things that trudge around as if they can barely support their own weight? Those tragic figures reduced to single-function robots with no trace of humanity left that seem to embody the downfall of the city as a whole? That's a stupid fucking idea, it'd be like a sequel to ''Half-Life'' where you get to play as a gun turret.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1494-BioShock-2]

===[[w: Aliens vs. Predator (2009 video game)|Aliens vs. Predator]]===
* ''Aliens vs. Predator'' is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like ''Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants''. Really, any title would be better than ''Aliens vs. Predator'', or at least easier on the filing system. Try not to confuse this ''Aliens vs. Predator'' with the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the SNES from 1993 nor the arcade ''Alien vs. Predator'' from 1994 nor indeed the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the Atari Jaguar from the same year, although feel free to confuse it with the ''Aliens vs. Predator'' released for PC and Mac in 1999, because it's the same fucking game! 
*This is ''Aliens vs. Predator'', though, so there are Predators too, who show up now and then to a chorus of &quot;What the ''fuck'' was ''that''?&quot; from nearby human NPCs. And I'm waiting for someone to reply, &quot;It's a fucking [[w:Predator 2|Predator]], you moron; the human race has only encountered them like fifty times. Did no one document anything? Didn't at least one survivor put an entry on his fucking [[w:LiveJournal|LiveJournal]]? Or did we use up all the data storage media recording all these fucking audio logs?&quot;
*As usual, there are three story campaigns, and in spite of the title the Marine campaign is the longest, probably because of racism. It's also by far the weakest, a fairly generic FPS that at first takes the Doom 3 route to creating easy horror by putting you in dark rooms with a flashlight circle the size of a leprechaun's testicle, but after a while it gets bored and flicks the light on for the remainder in a spirited attempt for the generic gold medal. It's not even that scary because, current generation graphics being what they are, the Aliens all have this wet glisten effect that make them easy to spot, like they're adorned with Christmas lights. That's when they even bother to show up.  There's a fine line between [[w: Silent Hill 2| atmospheric pacing]] and just having fuck all happen. Half an hour in, I'd gone to three or four empty control rooms to press magic plot continuation buttons, and was starting to wonder if the Aliens hadn't gone to the wrong address or something. The side quest is to collect audio logs, and they're all the usual suspects: Passive-aggressive man who complains about how the guys running the place are all evil and stupid, hysterical man in a cupboard who gets abruptly cut off by grisly noises, and that one very credulous fellow who starts worshiping the aliens as gods, and who will probably end up deliberately sucking on a face hugger, nature's communion wafer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1516-Aliens-vs-Predator]

===[[w: Heavy Rain|Heavy Rain]]===
*''Heavy Rain'' is the spiritual sequel to ''[[w:Fahrenheit (video game)|Fahrenheit]]'' (aka ''Indigo Prophecy'', aka Baron Von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure) and is presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Now, say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - thank you, I think I will; it was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally halfway through, but say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - at least ''stuff happened'' in it! Game starts: BOOM - you stabbed a bloke, you've got thirty seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. Meanwhile, ''Heavy Rain'' starts: You wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while, your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you ''stab your kids with a knife''! (Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen.)
* Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch and the entire fucking apple tree! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1528-Heavy-Rain]

===[[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2|Battlefield Bad Company 2]]===
* With the ''Battlefield'' series being so snipe-happy, gameplay becomes akin to crouching behind a desk trying to read a ''Where's Wally'' book from the house across the street. And every time you raise your head to look at it for longer than two seconds, you're savaged by a flock of vampire bats. And occasionally you fail to notice that the [[w:Battlefield Bad Company| truckasaurus]] has chewed a perfectly square-shaped hole in the wall of your house that has permitted the ingress of a raging panther.
*Perhaps &quot;Realistic Shooter&quot; isn't the right term for games like ''Bad Company 2''. In a truly realistic shooter, you'd get shot once, then laid up for six months before the hospital you're in gets blown up by an [[w: Improvised Explosive Device|IED]] and you're forced to crawl to safety with half a leg missing before getting shot by twitchy border patrolmen. All of which is preceded by about six months of doing push-ups with a load of sweaty people you're not allowed to make love to. A better name for the [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Modern Warfare]] thing would be: ''Deranged Paranoid Power Fantasy For Right-Wing Shut-ins Who Would Blow Their Own Nuts Off The Moment They Were Handed An Actual Firearm And Probably Already Have Done''...shooter. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1546-Battlefield-Bad-Company-2]

===[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy XIII]]===
* It seems we're already assembling the usual ''Final Fantasy'' character archetype pick 'n mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and of course the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context.  It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something.
*Some people have told me that ''FF13'' gets good about twenty hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for twenty hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display - lots of garish colour and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. I played ''Final Fantasy XIII'' because I am an unbiased critic (''shut up I am!'') and I must give everything a chance to surprise me. After five hours, the only thing that surprised me was how I managed that much without chewing off my own face! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1569-Final-Fantasy-XIII]

===[[April Fools' Day|April Fools]]===
*[[w:Ode On Melancholy|Ay, in the very temple of delight/veiled Melancholy has her sovran shrine,/Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue/can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine:/His soul shall taste the sadness of her might/And be among her cloudy trophies hung.]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1591-April-Fools]

===[[w:God of War III|God of War III]]===
*I've always liked [[w:Kratos (God of War)|Kratos]], although I suspect he wouldn't like me because I'm alive. In a medium saturated with generic, dark-haired, clear-skinned, hypocritically violent, self-righteous white boys assigned the role of hero by virtue of being the handsomest guy in the plot - [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|usually]] [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|voiced]] [[w:Assassin's Creed 2|by]] [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - it's nice to play an admittedly ugly hate-ridden fuck with no heroic qualities and who crushes people's skulls against jagged rocks as a form of greeting. I'd like to see [[w:Nathan_Drake_(character)|Nathan Drake]] get locked in a room with Kratos, see how far smug wisecracks get him when his head is getting sandwiched between a concrete floor and a foot that kicks so much ass that it permanently smells of farts. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1595-God-of-War-III]

===[[w:Red Steel 2|Red Steel 2]]===
*I've got to admit, this is probably the best motion-control combat I've seen on the Wii. Of course, it still isn't very good. It's like being the best at jerking off to your sister in the shower, you only won because no one else entered and you probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place.
* Now it must be said, Nintendo really don't think much of you. The fact that they actually released [[w: Wii Music|''Wii Music'']] rather than, say, murdered the creator and burned all his writing speaks well enough to that. Not only does ''Red Steel 2'' insist upon making you play a tutorial for every single new move you learn, but it won't be satisfied until you can demonstrate it five or six times! And it shows a little video of a non-threatening attractive young white person doing the motions in case you jammed a sensor bar up your nose and forgot what words mean. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1610-Red-Steel-2]

===[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]===
*'''How To Be a Video Games Journalist, Lesson 37: Using Game Titles for Puns and Cutting Swiftian Jibes.''' A game name like ''Just Cause'' is absolute gold for the reviewer since it can mean both &quot;a just cause&quot;, a righteous agenda, or the phrase &quot;just because&quot;, a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior. The opportunity for puns is obvious. Why would you steal a passenger jet and fly it directly up the bum hole of a sunbathing prostitute? ''Just cause!'' Praise and large quantities of gamer pussy will swiftly follow. However, this pun is so obvious that every game journalist and their cat and their cat's squeaky toy will have used it, so you may have to post-modernly draw attention to that fact at the start of your review so everyone assumes you're using the joke ''ironically''. Remember, the ironic gamer pussy is just as soft and lovely as the regular kind. Next week on '''How To Be a Video Games Journalist''': Digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ball-point pen.
* ''Just Cause 2'' is a game for fucking around. You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up. So the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1632-Just-Cause-2]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]]===
* The unique feature of the game is that it psychologically profiles you as you play, altering itself to fuck with your head better, which I was dubious about. Who you are in a game is a very different person to who you are in real life, a sort of high-functioning autistic you probably wouldn't want to leave your children with. If I go into a ladies lavatory for example, in real life it would be to sniff the seats for some illicit sexual thrill, but in a game it's because I want to make sure someone didn't leave first-aid kits in the cistern.
* At the end of the game, you also get a little analysis of your personality that I'm not convinced is not just a random selection of newspaper horoscopes. After my first playthrough it declared I was, &quot;Fastidiously clean and tidy,&quot; which is true, that when there are three garbage bags in the kitchen waiting to be taken down to the bins, I can't rest until they've been diligently ignored; &quot;Family oriented,&quot; with explains why I live twelve thousand miles away from anyone remotely related to me and never write; and, &quot;Possibly crap in bed.&quot;   ...Moving on. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1651-Silent-Hill-Shattered-Memories]

===[[w: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction|Splinter Cell: Conviction]]===
* Speaking as a foreigner, who the fuck would want to take over the United States? It'd be like trying to keep a giant, diseased ape in your apartment that eats money and suffers from life threatening obesity and constant diarrhea but viciously savages you every time you try to give it free health care.
* Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, &quot;Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. Fuck that, let's go shoot at him!&quot; 
* Here is a brief list of things that these professional soldiers, guards and career mercenaries have never been trained not to do: stand facing each other and jabber about how much they hate democracy and apple pie and the smiles on little babies' faces instead of guarding the fucking room; give away their position every five paces by screaming out personal insults at the [[w:Sam Fisher|professional killer]] they can't see but know for a fact is in the room currently training his sights at their big flapping potty mouths; after catching a glimpse of said professional killer unload every clip they have in the spot where he used to be with their backs to about twelve different entry points; and walk around in circles repeatedly checking for the professional killer in the same square yard of floor space, loudly announcing their discoveries with each revolution. Of course none of this eclipses the stupidity of going up against Sam Fisher in the first place, when he's the one who got most of the solitary brain cell that everyone had to share. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1684-Splinter-Cell-Conviction]

===[[w:Nier (video game)|Nier]]===
* ...I must say, it's gratifying to see that the game is named after the sound I make when asked to describe it. &quot;Neeeeyyaaar&quot; is in actuality the name of the main character, the guy on the box who looks a bit like [[Emmett Brown]] wearing his underpants on his face. I only found this out later though because, before the game tells you his name, it asks you if you can come up with a better one. And thus began the adventures of &quot;Twattycake,&quot; defender of the innocent.
* You know how in some RPGs you start off in your lovely idyllic green-grass home village where smiling neighbors bid you how-do-you-do and which is virtually guaranteed to get Hiroshima-fied before the second act? Well, ''Nier'' is like that but never quite gets as far as the second bit. Frankly I wish it would. Here we have a stalwart fighter who, in between fighting cosmic death beasts from beyond the veil of time and space, has to repeatedly run back home to water his melons, spend quality time with his child and see if anyone needs him to run down the shops to buy them a healing potion and a Mars Bar. It's one of those games that seeks to challenge the notion that gamers need to get a life by attempting to [[w:The Sims 3|simulate]] one. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1703-Nier]

===[[w:Dead to Rights: Retribution|Dead to Rights: Retribution]]===
*In case you never played the [[w:Dead to Rights|first game]], here's a Dead to Rights Recap: BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! WOOF! It's the kind of over-the-top balls-to-the-teeth action that I honestly can't tell if it's being deliberately camp or if it was written by a paranoid NRA member shaking off a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers. You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for ''answers'', and he's letting his ''gun'' do the ''talking'', and his ''gun'' only knows ''one very loud word!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1717-Dead-to-Rights-Retribution]

===[[w:Monster Hunter Tri|Monster Hunter Tri]]===
*Actually, speaking of the title, we should probably drop the word &quot;Monster&quot; as well since you usually just kill blameless wildlife that only attacks because you're invading its territory or you just pushed a sharpened stick down the ear of its favorite child. But I guess calling it &quot;Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of...&quot; Oh fuck it, let's just call it ''&quot;YOU BASTARD!&quot;'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1732-Monster-Hunter-Tri]

===[[w:Alan Wake|Alan Wake]]===
* The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. It's just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. It's like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when he's around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop.
* But I suppose there are lots of horror stories that wouldn't exist at all if people never made bad decisions in them, and ''Alan Wake'' is certainly all about bad decisions; bad combat, bad narration, ''good'' atmosphere. Picture an elegantly decorated house through which soft classical music plays and occasionally an obese man in a Halloween mask charges through it swinging a football rattle and screaming at the top of his voice. He's weirdly fascinating for the first few laps, but then he pulls down your curtains and shits on a doily. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1756-Alan-Wake]

===[[w:Red Dead Redemption|Red Dead Redemption]]===
*You know [[w:Rockstar Games|Rockstar]], you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV When I said] that all the cars in ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|GTA IV]]'' handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Lost_and_Damned|The Lost and Damned]]'' which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats, and the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple-somersault head injury fairy. &quot;Alright then,&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Here's ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Ballad_of_Gay_Tony|The Ballad of Gay Tony]],'' where every other mission is helicopter-based.&quot; But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side. &quot;Alright then motherfucker!&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorized vehicles at all! Are you happy now?!&quot; To which I reply, &quot;My horse appears to be lodged in a wall!&quot;
* It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side.  It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle -- or, more appropriately, drunk! And when your character ''is'' drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint, fired into their face with a shotgun. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1776-Red-Dead-Redemption]

===[[w:Alpha Protocol|Alpha Protocol]]===
* ...What's important is that, however you play him, Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour. The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes - a professional by-the-book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blew off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its nether hole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a high-brow film critic archly dismissing the latest [[w:Superman Returns|superhero blockbuster]] as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1801-Alpha-Protocol]

===[[w:Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands|Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands]]===
*Overall, there's just something terribly cynical about ''Forgotten Sands'' that makes me uneasy. It's all so by-the-numbers - when the large bull-like enemy was introduced, I instantly paused the game and announced, &quot;This enemy will charge at me but, if I dodge out of the way at the last second, it will run into a wall and stun itself.&quot; Then I unpaused the game and thus were proven my powers of clarivoyance. It seems like, if you've [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|completed]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|a]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|trilogy]] and, lest we forget, [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|rebooted]] the fucking thing, going back to mine the last game you were sure was good just isn't very classy, like stealing leftovers from the bins outside an upmarket restaurant and serving them to your dinner guests. Plus it was brought out to capitalize on a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|film]], and films are a load of old cobblers. See, [[w:Roger Ebert|Roger Ebert]], ''[http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2010/04/video_games_can_never_be_art.html that's what it feels like!]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1815-Prince-of-Persia-The-Forgotten-Sands]

===[[w:E3lectronic Entertainment Expo 2010|E3 2010]]===
*Let me make my position clear - gaming should be about games, not about controllers. Controllers as they stand are a perfectly adequate conduit for connecting man to machine by way of thumbs. It doesn't matter if ''[[w:A Tale of Two Cities|A Tale of Two Cities]]'' is printed on the side of a horse, or if every other word is in Greek, what matters is that Sydney Carton sacrifices himself for Charles Darnay at the end (spoiler alert). Delude yourself all you like with videos of happy families in pastel-coloured shirts spending quality time with bouncy-castle simulators, but in the long term people want to play games the same way they want to read books or watch TV: slouched on the settee with a big bag of Malteasers. How on earth do you think forcing them to do a sit-up every now and again is going to revolutionize entertainment? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1838-E3-2010]

===[[w:No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle|No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle]]===
*''No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle'' has finally gotten past the border patrol of the PAL territories and having played through it I can confidently state that there is absolutely no worry of [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]] getting more mature. At some point between [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|Nomeroes 1]] and Nomeroes 2, someone introduced him to the concept of jiggle physics and thus has begun a friendship to last a lifetime. The fact that all the women in the game wear fetish outfits and are either in love with you or have to be bloodily murdered with your giant throbbing sci-fi memorabilia does feel a little bit backward. I wouldn't usually have a problem, but I thought I'd express disapproval so [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/rebecca-mayes-muses/1829-Love-Song-for-Yahtzee I don't get stabbed by Rebecca Mayes]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1856-No-More-Heroes-2-Desperate-Struggle]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Super Mario Galaxy 2]]===
* Okay, so Bowser kidnapping the princess is sort of traditional, like hanging drawing and quartering. And when ''Mario Galaxy 1'' did it, I figured, &quot;Well, fair enough, they're introducing the concept to all the new audience of casual gamer shitheads that the Wii suckered in -- each of which I am prepared to personally seal away in some kind of medieval oubliette -- but whatever, we play the cards we're dealt.&quot;  But ''Mario Galaxy 2'' doesn't have that excuse.  It seems reasonable to me that the chief audience for ''Galaxy 2'' is people who played ''Galaxy 1'', but the game seems to assume you didn't, or at least it sincerely hopes you didn't. Mario himself seems confused on the Wii menu: &quot;Super Mario Galaxiiiiiiieeeeeeee!&quot; he shrieks, omitting the incremental digit.
* I guess the fanbase will get the franchise it deserves, but is this really all you want? Yes, there are [[w:Half-Life (video game)|games I like,]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|games I love,]] do I want to play a new installment of the same thing every few years? ''NO!'' The fastest way to spoil your [[w:Cadbury Creme Egg|pleasures]] is to make them routine. [[w: Variety (magazine)|Variety]] is the spice of life and [[w:Piledriver (album)|status quo]] is the starch. The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity, or to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]'' has been running for 21 seasons and hasn't been good since the fifth. I would rather see things evolve, and before any defenders of motion controllers get in touch, evolve in ways that ''aren't stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1871-Super-Mario-Galaxy-2]

===[[w:Singularity (video game)|Singularity]]===
* Let's face it: Real history is boring. It's just a load of idiots eating too much of a cow and killing each other over which nostril Christ was breathing out of on the cross. So I can understand the appeal of alternate history fiction. Imagine if the Persians had won [[w: The Battle of Salamis| the Battle of Salamis]], the present day would be almost completely the same! Or if King John had signed the Magna Carta while wearing bunny ears! The possibilities are endless! So why in the name of bollock burgers do we keep coming back to the '''same''' alternate history where the Cold War escalated!?
* ...Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[w: A Day in the Life|Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that -- someone left a note. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around &quot;Big Hank&quot;.
* Stripped of its rather pointless gimmick, ''Singularity'' is a game that can't decide if it wants to be ''Bioshock'', ''Half life'', or ''Timeshift'', and is inferior to all three. ''Bioshock'' is probably the game it was sitting directly behind in the exam room; with audio logs and the RPG elements and E99 instead of ADAM as all-porpouse plot dietary fiber. It's even got those cute 50's public information cartoons that ''Bioshock'' ripped off from [[w: Fallout: a post nuclear role playing game| ''Fallout'']]. It's like a magnificent human centipede stretching though gaming history. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1883-Singularity]

===[[w:Crackdown 2|Crackdown 2]]===
*I've got nothing against multiplayer as a concept, but you shouldn't try to make it [[w:Lost Planet 2|carry a game]] because there are logistical problems. Me and my friends have enough trouble splitting the bill after pizza, and navigating labyrinths of lobbies and servers is rarely worth the effort when everyone would rather just stick ''Guitar Hero'' on. And joining random online gaming is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play Scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1897-Crackdown-2]

===[[w:DeathSpank|DeathSpank]] &amp; [[w:Limbo (video game)|Limbo]]===
*The final question I suppose is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronize [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|the arts]] now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of ''Limbo.'' But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy-brand kind of entertainment, then order out for a barbecue Meat Lover's with a two-liter Coke and try ''DeathSpank.'' Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something [[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|bland and unchallenging]], then why not try ''eating a dick.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1908-DeathSpank-Limbo]

===[[w:Shadow of the Colossus|Shadow of the Colossus]]===
*''Shadow of the Colossus'' is usually filed under &quot;action-adventure&quot; like [[w:Deus Ex|everything]] [[w:killer7|else]] that's hard to classify, but really it defies genre. The gameplay is divided between adventuring alone through the silent wilderness and the sixteen tussles with monsters so large you could hollow out their carcasses and repurpose them as low-income housing. In the former, everything is peaceful and contemplative with no combat and no puzzling besides navigating the occasional mountain that sits obliviously between you and your destination like a fat guy at a cinema. And in the latter, everything is noisy and intense like you're playing Hungry Hungry Hippos backstage at a [[w:Dragonforce|Dragonforce]] gig. It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1924-Shadow-of-the-Colossus]

===[[w:Split/Second|Split/Second: Velocity]]===
*Which brings me to ''Split Second: Velocity'', or rather ''Split '''Stroke''' Second'', 'cause [[w:File:Split_Second_Velocity_EU_Cover.jpg|that's how it's written]]. So what the fuck does that mean, Disney Interactive Studios, Split ''or'' Second? Do we have to pick one? Or does the game alternate being themed around standard units of time measurement and serving suggestions for bananas? Anyway, it's an extreme racing game... you do know the hyphen is the horizontal one right? Look down, it's right next to the zero. I know it's hard to focus when [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] is badgering you for results, but ''honestly!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1939-Split-Second-Velocity]

===[[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|Transformers: War for Cybertron]]===
* What I don't get is why people are so protective of ''Transformers'' when literally the only reason it existed was not to enrich or inspire you but to sell you gimmicky toys. Hey, fanboys! ''Transformers'' only loved you as long as you had limited control of your parents disposable income. It's like you were all hooked up to milking machines, but instead of complaining you all painted you milking machines different colors and put stickers on them and argued over whose milking machine was best! But I suppose these days the entire entertainment industry  regards most individuals as nothing more than a bit consuming mouth wearing designer jeans full of money so, what the fuck? ''Transformers: War for Cybertron'' gather around and consume away, you big jeans wearing mouth cattle things.
*People will say I didn't like the game because I don't care about ''Transformers'' - well, the point is this was the game's chance to make me care about ''Transformers'' and it cocked it up! [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure|Tie-in]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|games]] in the past have been good enough on their own merits to make me interested in the subject matter. All I'm seeing here is a bunch of tumble dryers bumping into each other under overblown disco lighting! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1951-Transformers-War-for-Cybertron]

===[[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days]]===
* ...Reflect on what huge masochists the developers of ''[[w:Kane and Lynch: Dead Men|Kane and Lynch]]'' must be, famously having gotten [[w:Jeff_Gerstmann#Termination_from_GameSpot|Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot]] for not realizing that the Gamespot Super-Sellout Saver advertising package included a free happy ending on the review table. Solidarity therefore was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review ''Kane and Lynch 1'', with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of &quot;couldn't be arsed.&quot; But now ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is out, I sincerely hope the publishers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time because, if they do, there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or to put that another way, ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is worse than deep-fried tampons! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1976-Kane-Lynch-2-Dog-Days]

===[[w:Mafia II|Mafia II]]===
* Why does society insist on demonizing [[w:Goodfellas (film)|organized crime]]? We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a nobbing but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?
* I'm not sure why ''Mafia 2'' and indeed ''Mafia 1'' felt they needed to be open world because they're both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions, and largely the only activity available between missions is schlepping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job, to which I would say, &quot;Piss off!&quot; This is a '''game'''. Games are '''fun'''. I want to knob prostitutes while singing songs from ''Bugsy Malone'', and say &quot;Fugged abahd it&quot; without irony! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1988-Mafia-II]

===[[w:Metroid: Other M|Metroid: Other M]]===
* Of the many expressionless drones robo-Samus excretes from her mouth pipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed. ''[in an expressionless drone:]'' &quot;From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something.&quot;
*Oh, yes, and there's this murder mystery plot set up early on. Six different members of a military squad are introduced and established with names and slightly anemic personalities. But then it transpires that there's a traitor among them, picking them off. You even have a boss fight with him, his face cunningly concealed by camera angles and bits of scenery.  So, do you want to know who the traitor turns out to be? ...So the fuck would I, because the game kind of forgets about this whole subplot and hopes you do, too. &quot;Hey, wasn't there some intrigue from the first half of the game we were supposed to be resolving, Metroid Story Writer A?&quot; &quot;Doesn't ring a bell, Metroid Story Writer B. Now let's make Samus' suit fall off again so everyone can see her bum.&quot; On an educated guess though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2015-Metroid-Other-M]

===[[w:Amnesia: The Dark Descent|Amnesia: The Dark Descent]]===
* You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First there's the kind where you're in dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo!&quot;  That would be your [[w: Doom 3| ''Doom 3'']]. Then there's the kind where the guy in a spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's gonna go &quot;abloogy woogy woo&quot; at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't wanna turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye! That would be your [[w: Silent Hill 2| ''Silent Hill 2'']]. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo,&quot; while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room, before walking slowly over to you, plucking a violin, and then slapping you in the face with a T-bone steak. That would be your [[w: Dead Space| ''Dead Space'']].
* It's quite a while before you even glimpse a monster, and let me just transcribe my thought process at the time:  &quot;Dum-de-dum, well, this isn't very scary.  Oh, look!  Physics.  I can throw chairs around like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit.  Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind?  Yawn-a-rama.  Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play ''[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]'' for a bit.  Nope, nothing much up here, either; I'll just go back and...  Whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway?  I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead.  Oh, it's blocked.  Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?  AAGGH, RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP, ''OH PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2092-Amnesia-The-Dark-Descent]

===[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]===
* ...Everyone in this prequel seems to be fully aware of their ultimately doomed status, too. No one's particularly surprised when the Covenant do show up (with incidentally all human characters immediately being totally familiar with the operation of Covenant weapons and vehicles; you'd almost think they'd just built this game off the engine of [[w:Halo 3|a previous one]] or something), and the story is focused on a small commando unit whose members spend the entire game having a prolonged &quot;Who can have the noblest death?&quot; competition. Oh come on, this isn't a spoiler! They wouldn't characterize this many NPCs if they weren't going to pick them off like After Eight mints. The very first image in the game is [http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/5/54804-184907-reachopeningcutscenepng-620x.jpg a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain], what the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit ''hot?'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2136-Halo-Reach]

===[[w:Dead Rising 2|Dead Rising 2]]===
*What I like about it is that it's a true watercooler game, and I'm not talking about all that [[w:Farmville|Facebook game bollocks]] where you can boast to all your friends because you stuck a radish up an imaginary cow's arse. You get together with your other ''Dead Rising 2''-playing mates and you can discuss for hours what combos you found, boss-fighting tactics, and where to find the chainsaws and mankinis. Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover similar tastes in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2176-Dead-Rising-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions|Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions]]===
* ''Shattered Dimensions'' plays like marketing material for Marvel Comics' range of [[w:Ultimate Spider-Man|alternate]] [[w:Spider-Man 2099|Spider-Man]] [[w: Marvel Noir|continuities]]. You see, every now and again, some writer at Marvel's creativity-fueled dream factory gets bored of repeatedly typing the words, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face,&quot; and transfers the characters to a different setting or time period, so they can instead type, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face... in space!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2213-Spider-Man-Shattered-Dimensions]

===[[w:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]]===
* Normally I spend the first paragraph of these little tonsil exercise sessions leading into things with some rambling spiel of only borderline [[relevance]], like maybe in this case wondering aloud if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with &quot;The Count from Sesame Street&quot; -- although probably not ''Symphony of The Night'', because you'd have to rename Alucard to, &quot;Teerts emases morf tnuoc eth [sic].&quot;
* Stop me if you've heard this one before: [[w:God of War (series)|beefy bloke with poor coping skills gets a big nark on after something kills his wife and takes it out on mythological creatures, with a weapon on the end of a chain that can do light attacks and heavy attacks.]] But before I can bring down my well-used 'Like God Of War But' stamp like the [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders terrible] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta hammer] of [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno judgment] that it is, the game dodges my swing and goes &quot;Wait! Here's something original! Every now and again you have to have thrilling boss fights with monsters so big you have to ledge-climb all over their bodies, pausing to hold on when they try to thrash you around like a little murderous nipple tassel, and chip away at their health by picking at glowing weak spots.&quot; &quot;Say,&quot; I reply, &quot;Another word for 'giant monster' is [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|''colossus'']], isn't it?&quot; &quot;I know what you're thinking,&quot; retorts ''Castlevania Lords of Shadow of the Colossus,'' &quot;but we're not like that game at all! That game had sixteen colossi and we've got three! That's a completely different number!&quot; ...&quot;So where do you want this 'Like God of War But' stamp?&quot; I ask after an embarrassed cough. &quot;On my ''face'', please.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2251-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow]

===[[w:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West|Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]]===
*If you said to me, &quot;Sci-fi reimagining of [[w:Greek mythology|another culture's mythology]] mostly concerned with robots,&quot; I would immediately think, [[w:Too Human|''Too Human!'']] and punch you in the bollocks [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human| for reminding me of it]. But wait! There's a new sheriff in sci-fi reimagined mythology town! ''Enslaved: Odyssey to the West'', a post-apocalyptic action-adventure inspired by the classical Chinese epic called [[w:Journey To The West|Journey To The West]], in which the monkey king is replaced by a sweaty white guy with neck muscles like mating dolphins. Hopefully this will keep us going until someone makes ''Space-Pilot Jesus Christ vs. Mecha-Pontius'', but don't delude yourselves - ''Enslaved'' isn't inspired by ''Journey To The West'', is it? That is something I find considerably difficult to swallow, because the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2409-Enslaved-Odyssey-to-the-West]

===[[w:Fallout: New Vegas|Fallout: New Vegas]]===
* And then I made it! I stepped out into the glittering lights of the city, the towering buildings noisy monoliths to the sheer potential of... why the fuck can't I move? The game froze up! I mean, my life froze up! I mean, all that radioactive toilet water must have given me some kind of paralysing... oh, bollocks to this. Roleplaying in ''[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]'' is difficult enough with the interface and the terrifying fixed eye-contact conversations without it bugging out as well. And it'll take more than [[w:Fallout:_New_Vegas#Hardcore_mode|having to stop for a sandwich and a piss]] every now and again to make ''Fallout 3'' more immersive. Maybe if you ground it into powder and dissolved it in a swimming pool, but it would probably only turn the water brown. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2435-Fallout-New-Vegas]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II]]===
* You've got to feel sorry for ''Star Wars'' fans in this day and age - when you're not mocking them or kicking them down flights of stairs, I mean.  They haven't exactly rolled a double-six in the great game of life to begin with, and now the one thing that has made their existence marginally less wretched is crumbling before their very eyes like old pastry in a dishwasher.  Between movies, games, books, and tea towels, the shit of ''Star Wars'' now vastly outweighs the good, which consists of the [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|first]] [[w:Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back|two movies]] and arguably ''[[w:Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Knights of the Old Republic]]''.  Not that they'll ever admit that.  It's quite entertaining to watch the level of denial die-hard Star Wars fans operate on as they try to convince you that the romance in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones|Attack of the Clones]]'' was totally believable.  To say Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had chemistry in that film is like saying that a chair stacked on another chair is a sizzlingly erotic love scene.  So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify ''The Force Unleashed II'', because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' Easy-Bake Oven.
* So: Here are all the ways you can kill people in this game, like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex. You can hit them with the lightsaber if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force-push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, ''then'' throw whatever mess remains at their mates. And you can Jedi mind-trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is incidentally hilarious. And yet, none of the enemies seem the least bit afraid of you. It's like they all went to the wrong briefing by mistake and, somewhere in the universe, a platoon of terrified SWAT officers with riot shields and machine guns are facing off against a single confused ewok. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2452-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed-II]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops|Call of Duty: Black Ops]]===
* Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: &quot;What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!&quot; So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: ''Call of Duty Black Ops'', another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, &quot;''PHWOARR, eh?''&quot;
* And there are many moments when I just want to yell, &quot;Time out!&quot; and demand someone explain what the fuck's going on before another thing explodes.  Because the thing about all the [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|''Call of Duty'' games]] I've played lately is that they all seem to be hooked up to I.V. drips full of Pop Rocks.  ''Black Ops'' just can't calm the fuck down.  If five seconds ever pass without a gunshot or an explosion, then it's probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit.  The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you 'round the back of the head every five seconds:  &quot;GO THERE! KEEP RUNNING! TAKE COVER! NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT! THERE! SHOOT THAT GUY! NOT HIM; HE'S ON YOUR SIDE! CAN'T YOU TELL? HE'S WEARING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HAT! QUICK! PICK UP THAT GRENADE AND THROW IT BACK! I DON'T KNOW, OVER THERE SOMEWHERE! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner, that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!&quot;  You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode, and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2486-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops]

===[[w:Category:iOS_games|iPhone Games]]===
*Completing the iPhone game chart top 3 at time of writing is [[w:Fruit Ninja|''Fruit Ninja'']] by Halfbrick Studios. This is about as simple as games get, there isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing. You're not [[w:Angry Birds|exacting revenge on limbless pigs]] or [[w:Cut the Rope|feeding your pet bitch lizard]]: you're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and '''fuck''' fruit! Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2506-iPhone-Games]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood|Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]]===
*My understanding was that [[w:Assassin's Creed (video game)|''Asscreed'']] [[w:Assassin's Creed II|as a series]] was about exploring various [[w:Crusades|historical]] [[w:Renaissance|settings]] with future Desmond as a framing device. But as much as I like Ezio, my concern after two games is that we're getting bogged down with our spaghetti-scoffing friend. I hate to say it, but maybe it's time for the inevitable game entirely about future Desmond. He's still got the personality of a damp fish (which might explain what his fish-lipped girlfriend sees in him) but the other characters in the Scooby gang are actually quite appealing, especially the snarky sarcastic misanthropic British man. He really rubs me up the right way. ''Can't think why!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2519-Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood]

===[[w:Splatterhouse (2010 video game)|Splatterhouse]]===
* Once you're mentally tuned into the Caligula mindset, the gore swiftly starts to feel repetitive and unsatisfying. One of the posters I saw for this game bore the tagline &quot;He'll rip your head off.&quot; This is at least accurate, but it would be even more so if it were followed by the words &quot;...and that's ''all'' he'll fucking do.&quot; In classic [[w:God of War (series)|Wad of Gore]] fashion, you can grab weakened enemies to do finishing moves, and most of them just involve pulling off the closest thing it has to a head. How about a little creativity my man? That one fellow you killed by shoving your hand up his arse and pulling his rectum out was original, or at least it was before you did it ''fifty fucking times''.
* That's it? Absolutely nothing between Rick and the mask gets resolved. So it might as well have just been playing classic FM into Rick's ear the whole time for all the point the foreshadowing had! It and a momentously disappointing boss fight reek of yet another game rushing things towards the end as the deadline loomed. Seems there's an obvious way to avoid this: Make the intro first, the ending second, then everything in between.  That way, if anything feels rushed or cut down, it'll be one of the bits in the middle no one cares about, while the ending is what people will remember. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2544-Splatterhouse]

===[[w:Epic Mickey|Epic Mickey]]===
* You know, as a child, I used to have a phobia of theme park mascots. Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake (the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes). The point is, I hadn't gotten over this problem by the time I got taken to Disneyland, and the day became a tense and fearful avoidance game at the first sign of oversized cranium - culminating in paroxysms of torment when the parade rolled around. The grins! A sea of grins! Staring. Judging. Winnie the Pooh doing some foul, perverted windmill dance with his exposed forearms. No, Goofy, I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
* There's this one vintage Mickey Mouse comic in which he breaks up with Minnie and spends the rest of the comic attempting suicide. [http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/mm301018.jpg I swear this is true], and it was way edgier than this! [[w:Chip_'n Dale_Rescue_Rangers#Video_games|''Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers'']] was edgier than this! Fucking [[w:Kingdom_Hearts|''Kingdom Hearts'']] was edgier than this, if only because of the usual JRPG pedophilia subtext. Two child abuse jokes and we've barely started; that never bodes well! 
* And why do think every other console controller has two analogue sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class; if you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2575-Epic-Mickey]

=== Holiday 2010 ===
* Since you should know by now that I have the Christmas week off, and you showed up anyway, I guess we're all going to be sitting in silence for the next five minutes while you contemplate how much you appreciate me.  ''(long pause)''  Oh, fine; here's some clips... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2589-Holiday-2010]

===[[w:2010 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2010]]===
* But to the yin must come the yang, to the cream must come the cheese, to the giddy high of new love must come irritable bowel syndrome. The worst game of the year, a game less substantial than a fart in an lift but no less unpleasant for those caught in its wafting cage, a game that killed its franchise so thoroughly that the only acceptable sequel would be a box containing nothing but an apology letter and some chocolates. I refer of course... to [[w:Halo: Reach|''Halo: Reach.'']] BURN! Had you going for a second there, didn't I - actually it's [[w:Fable III|''Fable 3'']]. ''BURNED'' again! No, seriously now - a game I found literally as headache-inducingly unpleasant as impacted wisdom teeth surgery in the middle of a rave.  Step forward, [[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days.'']] Step onto your first place podium, and then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2607-Top-5-of-2010]

===[[w:World of Warcraft: Cataclysm|World of Warcraft: Cataclysm]]===
* I asked someone who raids &quot;Why do you raid?&quot; &quot;To get the best items,&quot; they said. &quot;What do you use the best items for?&quot; I asked, to which they could only answer &quot;To raid with!&quot; But it's not about items, is it? You don't honestly care if your new crystal nethersword is going to clash with your elite boss-clogs, it's about the numbers! You want the items with the best ''numbers'' so you can use your ''numbers'' to decrease the enemy ''numbers'' until your ''numbers'' are the best in the land, and all the other guilds flock to regard your ''numbers'' with jealous awe! And before you argue that lots of [[w:Just Cause 2|games]] are about numbers when you get down to it, no one ever ruined their lives to get 100 percent items in ''Super Metroid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2634-World-of-Warcraft-Cataclysm]

===[[w:Fable III|Fable 3]]===
*I think I've realized what I don't like about [[w:Fable (video game series)|''Fable'':]] it's essentially ''fascist.'' Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing out-of-touch mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it [[w:Dirty Dancing|''Dirty Dancing.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3]

===[[w:Minecraft|Minecraft]]===
*This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. &quot;See those trees?&quot; it would begin by saying. &quot;Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the [http://www.minecraftwiki.net/wiki/Creeper exploding bush monsters] go away.&quot; It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3 There but for the grace of God go I,] suicide hedge. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2680-Minecraft]

===[[w:Lost in Shadow|A Shadow's Tale]]===
*One late game mechanic is magic archways that let you temporarily turn back into a physical object, but I'd noticed several of those archways on various levels before you acquire this power. Oh, you're going to make me backtrack aren't you, you little bastard? Sure enough, after however many samey boring levels it took to get to the top of the tower, I then had to go back through some samey boring tedious levels to gather some items to open up ''another'' set of samey boring tedious interminable levels, which I thought would be the end but then some more samey boring tedious interminable prosaic levels started up, and even reading this sentence is becoming samey, boring, tedious, interminable, prosaic and ''when does this fucking game end?!'' There are many ways to analyze a game, but uttering that sentence aloud never shines a positive light. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2714-A-Shadows-Tale]

===[[w:Dead Space 2|Dead Space 2]]===
*Now if I were a paranoid man (which I'm not, whatever people have been saying about me), I'd say ''Dead Space'' has started deliberately trying to provoke me. The very first thing that happens in ''Dead Space 2'' is a bloke turning into a Necromorph, fully illuminated and literally six inches away from your face, then it grabs you by the lapels and screams at you while his eyes pop out. This is the horror equivalent of a small child banging its head on a wall so you pay it attention. &quot;HEY LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU SCARED YET?! WHAT IF ALL THE SKIN ROLLED OFF MY FACE, ARE YOU SCARED NOW?! AAAAAAHHH!! DOING THIS REALLY HURTS ACTUALLY!! AAAAAAHHH!! I CURRENTLY REPRESENT A THREAT IN AN EXTREMELY UNSPECIFIC WAY!! AAAAAAHHH!!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2737-Dead-Space-2]

===[[w:DC Universe Online|DC Universe Online]]===
*Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until [[w:Lex Luthor|only one survives]], whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time (''no they don't say how, put your arm down!'') and brings a warning to two [[w:Superman|rodeo]] [[w:Batman|clowns]] and a [[w:Wonder Woman|prostitute]]. Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2757-DC-Universe-Online]

===[[w:Mindjack|Mindjack]]===
*Cover-based shooting is a little dry and overdone, even if it's perfectly executed, and the only way to perfectly execute ''Mindjack'' would be with a lethal injection. Once you've persuaded little Jimmy Meathead to take cover rather than perform roly-polys in front of the chosen wall, he has a terrible habit of firing into it, and at one point I couldn't see where I was shooting because the ammo counter on the side of the gun was in the way. Can't see the killing for my gun; how philosophical. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2793-MindJack]

===[[w:Two Worlds II|Two Worlds II]]===
*As is [[w:Fallout 3|fairly]] [[w:Two Worlds (game)|typical of]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind|western RPGs]], once you actually start playing, the establishing plot gets swiftly dog-piled under a labyrinth of side quests and intermediary objectives. And within a matter of hours I paused to reflect while escorting an old man into the sewer to make a trade with some underground organization on behalf of a crime lord so he'll eventually tell me about some tower that the orcs seemed really keen for me to visit, and realized that I'd completely forgotten how any of it related to the overarching possessed-princess/dark-lord motivation that I still don't get what was going on there! This is always the part of [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|western RPGs]] I have difficulty with because I always lose the sense of flow. After a few quests and a particularly financially ruinous trip to the armor shop, I find myself floating around a peasant village dressed like a dandy cutlery drawer with no smegma-chugging idea of what to do next! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2819-Two-Worlds-II]

===[[w:Bulletstorm|Bulletstorm]]===
*Thank ''Christ'' for companies like [[w:Epic Games|Epic]], for games like ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'', that popularized fat space marines trundling between chest-high walls like they're in wheelchairs. But in 2004, a company called [[w:People Can Fly|People Can Fly]] shirked modern trends to create ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]],'' a fast, frantic and shamingly fun evocation of the bygone age and [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller one of my favorite shooters of all time]. [[w:World of Warcraft|&quot;Wow!&quot;]] said Epic. &quot;You really showed us how it's done, People Can Fly. Why don't you step over here for a second? Come on, don't be shy, we're not going to hurt you... NOW! DROP THE NET! HIT THEM WITH STICKS! Phew, nipped that one in the bud!&quot; So now that People Can Fly have been [http://www.joystiq.com/2007/08/20/epic-believes-people-can-fly-acquires-majority-stake  roundly whipped into line], they and Epic Games can bring you ''Bulletstorm'', a game about fat space marines. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2863-Bulletstorm]

===[[w:Killzone 3|Killzone 3]]===
* Pardon me for being detestably predicable, but I'm now going to complain about how all the bad guys in ''Killzone'' are British. Because someone should get pissed off about this, and it might as well be me. I stood up for the Russians when I reviewed all those [[w: Singularity (video game)|cold war]] [[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2 | fantasist]] [[w: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2| wank]] [[w: Call of Duty: Black Ops| games]], and I don't even know any Russians! I'm fine with that thing where the big villain is a posh British guy, because let's face it, cooing at rainbows sounds evil when you do it in a posh British accent. It's only when you make all the evil soldiers cockneys that you enter the prejudice parade. Cockney doesn't sound evil! It sounds honest and cheeky-chips loveable! You couldn't picture Dick Van Dyke hiding in the bushes in a park, popping children's balloons with a blowpipe! You might say I'm making too much of a fuss, but someone on the dev team at some point said to themselves, &quot;We have a race whose every individual member is so morally bankrupt that players will feel perfectly justified in splattering them painfully against the scenery. Now how do we bring that across in a sort of vocal short hand&quot;? And the most bitter pill to swallow is that they look like Nazis. ''We helped defeat the Nazis!'' Maybe we won't next time, America. Maybe after China buys you and puts you all to work in the sweat shops and you crawl to Europe for help, we'll go; &quot;Hmm, well, we would but apparently we're evil, so, hands tied.&quot;
* Anyway, let it never be said that I'm some ignorant ''[[w:Loom (video game)|Loom]]''-smashing Luddite, because I started playing ''Killzone 3'' not only with the [[w:PlayStation Move|PlayStation Move]] controls but also with the 3D option on my new massive 3D TV that I bought with all my ad revenue money (much obliged, Internet!)  The motion controls didn't last ten minutes. After calibrating (''Calibrating,'' fuck! Starting a game these days is like starting up a fucking cruise liner), the aim was wavery and difficult, I didn't know where they'd moved all the buttons to, and my big red glowing controller was reflecting in the screen and giving people hilarious clown noses! So, after getting sniped silly for a while, that went out the window and I took up a nice sensible SIXAXIS which didn't stop the game from throwing in motion-controlled turny switches whenever it could get away with it. The 3D held out a bit longer - yeah, things in the foreground were getting all prominent and shit but everything from the middle distance on looked like a big flat matte backdrop like the game was taking place in a puppet theater. After a while I turned it off and suddenly I was astounded by the detail in a nearby wood texture now that I wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. Things ten feet away stopped popping in all the time and my dog came back to life! So fuck [[w:PlayStation_Eye|modern technology]] right in its cutting edge! ''Ow!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2915-Killzone-3]

===[[w:Kirby's Epic Yarn|Kirby's Epic Yarn]]===
*Obviously the game starts about as challenging as a polystyrene prison, but over time it remembers its heritage and gains a few teeth. A Meta Knight boss fight in particular - and I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2948-Kirbys-Epic-Yarn]

===[[w:Dragon Age II|Dragon Age II]]===
*Before a subtitle can be thought up we need to determine exactly what ''Dragon Age II'' is about. Much like [[w:Dragon Age: Origins|the first one]], it's all about the representative messages, and can't go five minutes without someone being really heavy-handedly racist against mages, elves, dwarves, goldfish et cetera, which is why I find it somewhat ironic that you're only allowed to play as a human this time around. When the first game let you pick from an entire Burger King Kids' Club of races and backstories, here you're always a human with the surname &quot;Hawke,&quot; so to compensate for the lack of choice other characters can actually address you by name. Whoop di fuckin' [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|do]]. And I'd just like to point out that this is quite a long game, so being a male character with the first name [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan]] is going to stop being funny very fast. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2978-Dragon-Age-II]

===[[w:Pokemon White|Pokemon White]]===
*In an alternative world in which the school system is regarded with ''universal'' contempt, children are encouraged to roam the wildnerness siccing wild animals on every motherfucker who crosses their field of vision. You know in the intro to [[w:Syndicate Wars|''Syndicate Wars'']] where the lad who lives in the dystopian nightmare city has this chip in his head that makes him think he's living in picturesque small town America? I like to think the protagonists of ''Pokemon'' all have the same chips and in reality are exploring various murky basements with a sack full of rats and mangy attack dogs. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3008-Pokemon-White]

===[[w:Yakuza 4|Yakuza 4]]===
* The amount of modern Japanese culture that gets worked in makes me wonder if it's not actually aimed at foreign tourists. The equivalent would be a British game in which you play a Bobby in ol' London town, healing up by eating fish 'n' chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3035-Yakuza-4]

===[[w:Crysis 2|Crysis 2]]===
*An aspect of the plot I actually liked is that Alcatraz is basically a collection of broken bones and ruptured organs held together with spit, and the suit is acting as some combination iron lung and wheelchair and is the only reason he's still upright, and nowhere is this more apparent than when you've run out of suit power in the middle of a pitched battle, and are trying to waddle behind a bit of wall like you've just caced your pants. It's refreshing to see an unstoppable action protagonist who also comes across as vulnerable and tragic. [[w:Nathan Drake (character)|Nathan Drake]] could perch his rectum on the top of a flagpole and wisecrack all the way down to the floor, and he still wouldn't be an ounce as sympathetic as a silent protagonist who has essentially been reduced to a load of beef stew in an thermos flask. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3079-Crysis-2]

===[[w: Nintendo 3DS|Nintendo 3DS]]===
*So with motion controls on the way out - my theory is that if I keep saying that it will become more and more true - Nintendo needed to get started on next week's wage packet. The interesting thing about Nintendo is that they're kind of like [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] in that they don't do middle ground, they're either [[w:Leaving Las Vegas|doing really well]] or [[w:The Wicker Man (2006 film)|shitting a hole straight through the bed.]] When they get bored of making [[w:Super Mario Galaxy|solid ''Mario'' platformers]] and attracting a strong user base, they create [[w:Virtual Boy|consoles that make your eyes explode]] and [[w:Metroid: Other M|license Team Ninja to make ''Metroid'' games]]. 3D may be an utterly pointless gimmick [[w:Killzone 3|that adds about as much to games as putting glittery rainbow stickers on the cover]], but will the 3DS be what changes all that? Well, sort of, in that now the glittery rainbow sticker is in a small wooden box and you have to look at it through a hole. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3112-Nintendo-3DS]

===[[w:Portal 2|Portal 2]]===
*[[w:Portal (video game)|''Portal'']] is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in. It's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/videos/zeropunctuation/2655-Yahtzee-Visits-Valve-a-Travelogue come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people.] In the time since then and the release of ''Portal 2,'' you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for ''Portal 1'': it's got the worst fucking ''fans'' in the world. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinion with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word &quot;cake,&quot; and the good thing in question can never be the same again. This is technically known as the [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|&quot;Knights Who Say Ni&quot;]] Effect.
* Fortunately, I eventually found where all the actual puzzles were hiding; they're in the co-op campaign which I played through with one of my fat friends. With the addition of two extra portals to play around with, the puzzles are bigger and better and satisfying to solve through teamwork. If you need to swiftly make friends with someone, like a future father-in law or armed burglar, then you couldn't find a better ice breaker. I just don't think it has any replay value whatsoever. If you played it again with another fat friend, you'd just get sick of lugging the ball and chain around and they'd resent you for not letting them figure shit out on their own. So, make doubly sure that your armed burglar isn't an avid PC gamer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3153-Portal-2]

===[[w:Castlevania: Symphony of the Night|Castlevania: Symphony of the Night]]===
* Visually, ''Symphony of the Night'' is [[w:Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band|dense as all shit]], but then it was on the [[w:Sony Playstation|PS1]]. With the advent of CDs for console gaming, games suddenly had lots of disc space to spread their elbows out, and a lot of developers used that [[w:Resident Evil (video game)|to have FMVs up the butt]] or make [[w:Silent Hill (video game)|games in that hideous first-generation 3D]] that looked like origami modeling with used toilet paper. But ''Symphony of the Night'' stuck to 2D and completely tarted itself up, and it's still niceer to look at than the many incarnations of [[w:Quake II|Captain]] [[w:Resistance: Fall of Man|Greybrown]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Loadsofbloom]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3188-Castlevania-Symphony-of-the-Night]

===[[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|Mortal Kombat]]===
* I am frankly flabbergasted that a game like ''Mortal Kombat'' can seriously be considered [[relevant]] in this day and age, at a time when [[w:Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds|fighting games]] are thought to have humiliated themselves if they don't show up with their roster filling at least two school buses, ''Mortal Kombat'' should by rights have been kneecapped for showing up with only seven playable fighters, [[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|two of]] [[w:Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat)|which]] being [[w:Daniel Pesina|the same guy]] wearing different coloured jumpers. And while fully-rendered graphics might be a little overkill for a 2D fighter, using photo cutouts of people in costumes has got to be the most ghetto-fucking solution short of cutting out pencil doodles on the sides of milk cartons. And what I understand least of all is why everyone is saying this game is a new release when Wikipedia quite clearly states that it came out in August 1992...oh, do you know what I've done? I've got ''Mortal Kombat'', the 2011 release, confused with [[w:Mortal Kombat (video game)|''Mortal Kombat'', the game from 20 years ago with the same exact name]]! '''''Do you see how confusing this gets?!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3250-Mortal-Kombat]

===[[w:Brink (video game)|Brink]]===
*Incidentally I'd like to invite fans of ''Brink'' to take a shot every time I mention [[w:Team Fortress 2|''Team Fortress 2'']] - hopefully by the end of this video you won't feel so poorly disposed towards me. You know how ''Team Fortress 2'' (take a shot) introduced optional hats and unlockables that did nothing but mess with perfectly good visual design like a bunch of jelly beans sprinkled on a wedding cake? Well, [[w:Bethesda Softworks|Bethesda]] saw this and cried, &quot;Valve will never outdo us when it comes to making bad decisions! Fully customizable outfits for everyone! You won't even be able to fucking ''see'' the wedding cake behind the jelly beans!&quot; You want to know the ironic thing, though? Even with this feature, every character looks exactly the bloody same. That's failing to a new level.  That's like standing on a rake and the end of the rake has a grenade taped to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3286-Brink]

===[[w:L.A. Noire|L.A. Noire]]===
*Mind you, it's not exactly a brain-melter to deduce whether someone's lying or not. This is the inherent problem when you tell your mo-cap actor, &quot;Look like you're [[w:Tony Blair|lying]], and I know you're acting and therefore lying all the time, so this time exaggerate it,&quot; so of course they're going to spin their eyes like fruit machines and shift around like someone's trying to work an ant farm up their bum. The much-touted realistic facial animation is indeed very impressive and you can often clearly recognize the real-world actor who did the mo-cap, such as TV's [[w:Greg_Grunberg|Greg Grunberg]]! But while the faces are very realistic and well-animated, somewhat less attention has been afforded to the bodies, with the usual game problem of weird-looking joints and cardboard clothes. So a rather eerie effect is created, and some characters look like [[w:Gerry Anderson|Gerry Anderson]] finally snapped and started taping the decapitated heads of jobbing TV actors to his [[w:Captain_Scarlet_and_the_Mysterons|Captain Scarlet]] puppets. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3347-L-A-Noire]

===[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings]]===
*Amongst the 700 subcategories of inventory items you can gather like a bum with a shopping trolley are mutagens and weapon upgrades. But if you ask how you're supposed to equip them then you're committing a social faux pas again. Why do I even have an inventory screen if double-clicking on every single item makes the game slap you across the wrist and say &quot;No, we do that from a ''different'' screen! No we ''won't'' tell you which one! And put on a fucking tie! Where were you raised, [[w:World of Warcraft|Azeroth]]?!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3443-The-Witcher-2-Assassins-of-Kings]

===[[w:Hunted: The Demon's Forge|Hunted: The Demon's Forge]]===
*The first boss fight is the most disheartening moment. Through a lengthy network of caves and dungeons (some sections of which were so fucking murky I literally ended up resorting to casting fireball everywhere just so I could see where the fuck I was going), I was buoyed by the ongoing promise of a boss fight with a giant spider that kept appearing over the horizon like the bedroom eyes of a courtesan peering coquettishly over her fan. Although it very clearly only had four legs, so I don't know why everyone kept calling it a spider. For tedious multitudes of chambers the game went &quot;Ooh, it could be in the ''very next room''! I guess you'll only find out if you keep going, won't you?&quot; And then finally the giant spider found a window in its meeting schedule and chased me through a big cave for a bit before I lobbed two bombs at it and dropped a rock on its head. &quot;Exciting!&quot; said I, &quot;Can I fight it now? What do you mean it's dead? What, we're just gonna move on?&quot; I felt like I'd queued for hours to get on a roller coaster that went down one dip and then dropped you off at the gift shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3540-Hunted-The-Demons-Forge]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)]]===
*The interesting thing about ''Forever'' is that you can practically cut it in half and see the entire fourteen years of shooter evolution it's tried to keep up with, like the rings in a tree stump. It starts off campy and colorful in a ''[[w:SiN (video game)|SiN]]''/''[[w:Blood II: The Chosen|Blood II: The Chosen]]'' kind of way, then it moves into the dark, sweaty unpleasant ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]''/''[[w:Prey (video game)|Prey]]''/''[[w:Quake IV|Quake IV]]'' period when you go into the alien hive (and incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of ''[[w:The Human Centipede|The Human Centipede]]'' into the middle of ''[[w:Mallrats|Mallrats]]''). And by the last mission Duke has finally embraced the [[w:Killzone 3|FPSs]] [[w:Call of Duty 4|of today]], meaning you run around a grey/brown industrial area for a while and then get a shit ending. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3581-Duke-Nukem-Forever-for-real-this-time]

===[[w:inFAMOUS 2|Infamous 2]]===
* Ya' know, it's easy to let obnoxious socialites like ''Duke Nukem: Forever'' prance about grabbing headlines, but do we stop to appreciate all the [[w:inFAMOUS|non-squeaky wheels]] who just work efficiently, without needing development cycles longer than the average natural lifespan of a [[w:St._Bernard_(dog)|Saint Bernard]]? Everyone longs to catch the eye of that ditzy straight line block in ''Tetris'', but no one stops to thank the workaday T-shaped block for it's diligent and efficient service.
*I know ''inFAMOUS'' is kind of stuck with the whole moral choice thing since the game's pretty much named after it, but no fairy godmothers have showed up since the first game to wave her wand and have it start making sense. Look, if you have two equally viable, equally difficult solutions to a problem - say, humanely suffocating your costly vegetative wife with a pillow or digging through to her femoral arteries with a cheese grater - than the ''[[w:It (1990 film)|evil]]'' option (which if you're having trouble keeping up is the ''second'' one) is just irrational! And you can't relate to a character whose actions don't make any fucking sense! Surely the evil option is supposed to be the more convenient but riskier one that would appeal to someone weak-willed. You could spend a lot of time and effort sprucing yourself up and trolling the bars to find someone to romance and settle down with, or you can just fuck a cow and risk angry farmers with paparazzi connections. ''That's'' a moral choice. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3611-Infamous-2]

===[[w:Alice: Madness Returns|Alice: Madness Returns]]===
* When video games have forged the new utopian society ''Bill and Ted''-style, eventually there's going to be a war over whether to sanctify or demonize the bloke who figured out you could make cinematics by zooming in really close on the concept art... Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there! Who remembers American McGee? He was a bloke who worked on ''Doom'' and got a free ride, just like everyone else who worked on ''Doom''. I think the bloke who made the tea for the ''Doom'' team got to make his own game. His name was John Romero-- '''''No!'''''
* Even the trademark creepy imagery seems a bit phoned in and a bit over-reliant on creepy dolls. Yes, a porcelain doll's head with no hair or eyeballs is a creepy thing, but after the five hundred millionth one they kind of get devalued in the global creep economy, falling below sweaty Uncle Dan and the feeling of another person's bum warmth on your toilet seat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3652-Alice-Madness-Returns]

===[[w:Shadows of the Damned|Shadows of the Damned]]===
* ...For a game that seems to have set out with the plan to bring three big names together and wait for the explosion, none of the three amigos brought their A-game. [[w:Akira_Yamaoka|Akira Yamaoka]] randomly smashing at his banjo strings suited the disquieting surreality of ''[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill]]'', but not so much a quirky action/horror game that seems to be mouthing along to a squealing heavy metal soundtrack that it doesn't have. On the gameplay side, where was the [[w:Shinji Mikami|Shinji Mikami]] who once made [[w:Resident Evil 4|a game where dozing off for one second led to you getting your head chainsawed off by a mad Spaniard?]] And while enough of the disposable income of the alternative crowd glimmered invitingly in the eyes of publishers for the game to be marketed with the tagline, &quot;A [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda51]] Trip,&quot; for all ''Shadows of the Damned's'' demon skull nobstitutions, this is probably the most grounded Suda51's ever been. ''[[w:killer7|Killer7]]'' was a trip; this is more like a bank holiday day out to go watch someone throw horse giblets at a lingerie shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3675-Shadows-of-the-Damned]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 3|FEAR 3]]===
*You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your [[w:Driv3r|clever douchebag sequel name]], it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud, as in ''[[w:Se7en (film)|Sesevenen]]'' and indeed ''Fthreear.'' Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell ''Thief 4'''s logo [http://thief.wikia.com/wiki/THI4F is playing at]. When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an &quot;E&quot; with a &quot;4?&quot; If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times then our daughters will all be shagging [[w:Che Guevara|Communists]] by this time next year. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3724-FEAR-3]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D|The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D]]===
* I remember ''Twilight Princess'' being too easy because it was compensating for the Wiimote being as friendly as an attack dog that's been trained to administer Chinese burns. Then again, I've been trained by all the more recent [[w:Phantom Hourglass|Zelda]] [[w:Spirit Tracks|games]] that have really just been building on ''Ocarina of Time'', so playing ''Ocarina of Time'' now is like a surgeon re-training as a fishmonger. I know that you should look to the side missions to replace that rat scrotum you call a coin purse, but 1998 audiences didn't. Is it fair to say that later Zelda games had better gameplay and characters with actual arcs and more personality than a lungfish in a moist bath towel, when ''Ocarina of Time'' was the template from which all those games arose? Probably not. But if you ask me, Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot. What with N64 technology being [[w:List of Video Game Console Emulators|emulatable only on dried leaves and bits of old twig]], Nintendo were this close to having an entire generation who might never even have known ''Ocarina of Time'' existed, and ''[[w:Skyward Sword|Skyward Sword]]'' might have blown their minds. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3780-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Ocarina-of-Time-3D]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: The Cartel|Call of Juarez: The Cartel]]===
*But the AI don't go after collectibles; they usually just stand there staring at you with gormless uncomprehending eyes.  They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section, if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The AI will pile into the back seat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth.  And as I said, they can't aim for shit.  But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes, &quot;You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know.&quot;  '''THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3801-Call-of-Juarez-The-Cartel]

===[[w:Bastion (video game)|Bastion]] and [[w:From Dust|From Dust]]===
*So enough with these iron-sight examination simulators, I'm going where the worlds are bleak and the heads are large for my third XBLA double bill! And with characteristic convenience, the XBLA has recently chundered up two games that both approach the theme of world-building from vastly different directions. Perhaps this speaks to some larger trend within society today, or a prevailing desire on the part of indie designers to recreate the entire world into one where you can charge more than fifteen bucks for your game design degree course work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3839-Bastion-and-From-Dust]

===[[w:Catherine (video game)|Catherine]]===
*[[w:Final Fantasy VII|Video games]] seem to be a little bit frightened of relationships, in a curious reflection of their predominantly male and sweaty customer base. Oh, there are [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|plenty]] [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|games]] that depict the ''commencement'' of a relationship, generally as a consequence of [[w:Super Mario Bros|Party A rescuing Party B from a giant fire-breathing lizard thing]] or [[w:Bulletstorm|an evil general]] or their own virginity depending on the genre. Very few games are about a relationship that's already going on except when one half of it exists solely to get murdered at one point so that the other half can seek revenge without someone constantly asking them how they think jumping over turtles, shooting mercenaries, or fucking each other all day in the butt is going to bring in enough money to raise a family. Well, now the balance is being restored by ''Catherine,'' a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?
* ...It'd be fair to call ''Catherine'' a story-driven game. And I guess the biggest problem I have with the story is that Vincent is such a fucking tool! Catherine (that's psycho Catherine, not frumpy Katherine) basically bullies him into getting seduced by her; yeah, maybe her running around in a net curtain might have helped, but still. And if the dude could take five seconds to just explain things rather than stammer out more lies while sweating like James Murdoch at a government hearing, then he could probably sort everything out! But no, he just accepts guilt and whines about it incessantly to his mates, every single one of whom would be well within their rights to powerbomb his face into the nearest bollard. I think this is an anime thing, where they like their protagonists angsty and ineffectual and given to wanking off over unconscious women. I watched an anime once; dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst!  I wouldn't mind, but he missed!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3872-Catherine]

===[[w:Red Faction: Armageddon|Red Faction Armageddon]]===
* The title was the first telltale heart murmur. &quot;Armageddon&quot; is one of those words from the subtitle bucket, like &quot;Chronicles&quot; or &quot;Resurrection,&quot; a word you stick on the end of your sequel name to communicate the fact that you have less creativity than a pencil sharpener. ''Red Faction Armageddon'' is the final game of a trilogy that started with ''[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]'' (don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once). You play Darius Mason, the grandson of Alec Mason from ''Guerrilla'', who is engaged in conflict with an evil cult leader who was apparently defeated once before by Darius' dad. And everything indicates to me that Darius' dad's actions were the events of a second intervening game that wasn't actually made. In which case, what frightens me is that someone at [[w:THQ|THQ]] looked at Darius and Darius' dad and decided that ''Darius'' was the more interesting one! Mason Sr. must have been a geography teacher who defeated the cultists by diligently doing his taxes at them! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3942-Red-Faction-Armageddon]

===[[w:Deus Ex (video game)|Deus Ex]]===
*The year is 2000 the shooter was riding PC gaming like a trusted pony (a pony that you occasionally had to slap or replace with a completely different better pony, but trusted nonetheless). With ''Half Life'' ,''Thief'' and ''System Shock 2'' first person games have been steadily raising the bar, then a company called Ion Storm made ''Daikatana'' and made the bar tunnel right into the ground beyond the wit of spelunker. But then at the same time Ion Storm brought out ''Deus Ex'' which is widely considered the greatest PC game of all time. That may sound like incongruous behavior for a developer but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledging Ion Storm was split into it's good half and it's evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas that made ''Daikatana'' and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables. And the good half was Ion Storm Austin which made ''Deus Ex'' and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of all the good little boys and girls.
*Having deliberately avoided any exposure to ''Human Revolution'' up to the time of writing, I sincerely hope to be dining on these words with tartar sauce by the time this video goes out, but I don't see how these days you can have a game with anything near as much depth and complexity as ''Deus Ex 1!'' And before all you people who liked ''[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2]]'' start pounding your keyboards so hard that it starts snowing Cheeto dust, I meant the kind of complexity ''that I like!'' A plot where people can reference philosophy and [[w:G.K. Chesterton|G.K. Chesterton]] in really, really bad accents! And that has intuitive inventory sorting, and a health system where you can get all your arms and legs blown off and have to slither over to a health station using only your lips! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4093-Deus-Ex]

===[[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|Deus Ex: Human Revolution]]===
*Deus Ex: Human Revolution centralizes the debate surrounding transhuman augmentation. &quot;Would you,&quot; it asks, &quot;supplement your body with machinery?&quot; What do you mean, would I? I already wear spectacles and a wristwatch, and I always carry a phone, which I'm currently in the process of duct-taping to the side of my head. Anyone who talks about technological development being &quot;unnatural&quot; deserves to be abandoned in the wilderness wearing nothing but a fig leaf. But even if I weren't biased, if there's a conflict growing between a group of people with ocean liner pistons for forearms and a group of people who insist that everyone should be forced to be as shit as they are, I know which side I'd rather be on. Hey, I've got a better name for the pro-humanity movement: The Sore Losers' Club!
* I don't know how many more times I have to say this, but I guess at least once: a boss fight is not just a random enemy who's eaten three times as many protein bars as everybody else! A boss fight is supposed to be a final exam for everything we've learned up to that point! Ideally, ''Human Revolution'' would have given the option of gunning the boss down, also maybe hacking some turrets to fight for you, or sneaking away up into the rafters to drop pianos on their head - but no, all you can do is shoot them. And considering I was going for the non-lethal pussy run, my tranq rifle and stun gun were a fat lot of good against a bloke who appeared to be occupying the same space as a combine harvester armed with a gun that shoots exploding furniture that kills you in two hits, so I basically had to quicksave every time I successfully made it to the other side of the room before my internal organs did! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4137-Deus-Ex-Human-Revolution]

===[[w: Driver: San Francisco|Driver: San Francisco]]===
* Switching instantly to any car anywhere is the main gameplay gimmick that's woven nicely into the storyline. John Tanner, cut as he is from the generic white bread wise-cracky douche hero template, starts getting pretty likable when he has the [[w:Groundhog Day (film)|''Groundhog Day'']] revelation that he can now live life without consequence, immediately possessing a driving student and speeding through the oncoming lane just to make the dick instructor mess his corduroys. Serve and Protect, ladies and gentlemen! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4181-Driver-San-Francisco]

===[[w:Dead Island|Dead Island]]===
* One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It'll be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an [[w:Dead Rising 2|avalanche]] [[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|of]] [[w:28 Days Later|zombie]] [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|games,]] [[w:Zombieland|movies,]] and [[w:Pride and Prejudice and Zombies|reinterpretations of classic literature.]] I'll call it, &quot;ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING ZOMBIES ALREADY!&quot; Honestly, at this point, you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets [[w:Ben_&quot;Yahtzee&quot;_Croshaw#Jam|covered in carnivorous jam]], you'll have to make papier-mache zombie facsimiles just to get through the day! Except, let's face it, however you might imagine zombie apocalypses giving you a new lease on life, we all know most of you would start talking suicide pacts if the Internet went down for more than a week. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4694-Dead-Island]

===[[w:Resistance 3|Resistance 3]]===
*So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics and regenerating health. Wait, what are these [[w:Mountain Dew|glowing green things]] lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, ''Resistance 3'' does not have regenerating health! Holy bum-nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at once... I ''can'' carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a freeze ray and a lightning rod and a thing I like to call [[w:The Jimi Hendrix Experience|&quot;The Jimi Hendrix Experience&quot;]] because it [[w:Jimi_Hendrix#Death|makes people puke themselves to death.]] They're quite fun to use, and there are no cover mechanics because the game assumes you can strategically use a wall without having to rub yourself on it and give it kisses. Erm... [[w:Sony|Sony]], are you all right? I'm not complaining or anything but I'm kind of feeling how the Greeks might have felt if the Trojans had just surrendered before the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] was finished. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4728-Resistance-3]

===[[w:Gears of War 3|Gears of War 3]]===
*Now, before any of you ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'' fans rush off to humiliate yourselves in the comments section by posting something along the lines of, &quot;What did you expect, ''Gears of War'' is about chainsaw bayonet vasectomies, plot and character is for girls and people with sensibly proportioned necks,&quot; I'd like to preemptively tell you to ''fuck off,'' and here's why. If I had said that ''Gears of War 3'''s plot was a spellbinding emotional roller coaster from start to finish, none of you motherfucking fanboys would be saying the plot doesn't matter. You'd trumpet that from the fucking rooftops until someone asked you to leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4763-Gears-of-War-3]

===[[w:Hard Reset|Hard Reset]]===
* It's true the game does the ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]'' thing, making multitudes of monsters to mob you mercilessly, but as with the environments they forgot the whole variety thing, and you only ever seem to fight two kinds of aggressive [[w:Roomba|Roomba]] and a few palette-swapped wheelie bins. There's really no way of saying this without giving ammunition to conservative anti-game campaigners, but there isn't as much fun to be had in shooting robots as there is in shooting organic lifeforms. When I fire a rocket into a cluster of charging monsters, I like to know that the cleanup will have to be done with a mop rather than a broom! It's hard to explain, but surely we can all agree that the lawnmower scene from ''[[w:Braindead (film)|Braindead]]'' just wouldn't have been as memorable if it had been taking place in the audio/visual department of [[w:Harvey Norman|Harvey Norman's]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4784-Hard-Reset]

===[[w:Rage (video game)|Rage]]===
*Call me a cynic (please, it's my only sense of identity), but when some resistance movement shows up demanding I dress up in a sheep costume and jump through some hoops making suggestive baa-ing noises before they'll let me fight the evil government who I have yet to actually fucking see, there's only one organization I feel I'm being oppressed by here! Especially when they all seem content to sit around in the base eating pancakes while I'm sent off alone to slaughter saucepan-wearing bandits du jour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4824-Rage]

===[[w:Kinect|Kinect]]===
* First of all, I tried out ''[[w:Child of Eden|Child of Eden]]'', the polygon murder spree from the creators of polygon-murder-spree ''[[w:Rez|Rez]]'', essentially a rail shooter about the internet being under attack by an amassed army of forgotten screen savers.  Certainly a spectacular display, but even a cosmic dance with a hundred large-breasted space fish loses something when you have to replay it for the third time because you weren't clear on what you were supposed to be doing.  Yeah, I know, game, &quot;''Use'' my left hand to shoot down the purple projectiles before they hit me.&quot;  Now in what specific way did you envision me ''using'' my left hand, 'cause that could mean anything from waving it to sticking a bowling pin up a gorilla's ass.  Eventually I figured out that &quot;use&quot; meant, &quot;Do the same thing you do with the right hand to use your normal weapon, but keep your right hand pinned to your side because I might think you're trying to strangle me and go in to a panic.&quot;  And even then, the usual delay motion sensors have before registering your action led to several frustrating game-overs.  And every now and again, the game would pause itself right as it was getting excited, because it assumes that any ambiguity of motion on your part means that you have suddenly been abducted by space monsters.  But doing panicky improvised t'ai chi to amuse graph paper is not gaming.  It's more like therapy for geometry-phobics.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4863-Kinect]

:'''Male voice''' Only on Kinect for Xbox 360 2010-2013.

===[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]===
*''Arkham City'' isn't getting out of here without a recommendation, but it's worth remembering that when you go straight sandbox you lose control of a certain amount of structure. A word of warning: if you're like me - handsome, talented and secretly longing for death - you'll want to finish the main story first and do the side missions in post-ending fuckabouts, because you need all the gadgets to find all the secrets. And then like me, you'll end up flapping back and forth like a confused magpie at the aluminum foil tennis championships trying to trigger the side missions that your quest log says you haven't found yet. And like me, you'll eventually look it up and discover that some but not all of the side missions get locked off if you don't finish them by the story end. And then like me, you'll probably make a noise that's somewhere between a sigh and a gnash, and then like me you'll say &quot;How does that make any donkey-boffing sense?!&quot; And like me you'll maybe jump up and down a few times, and like me you should probably stop padding this video out. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4915-Batman-Arkham-City]

===[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]===
*''Battlefield 3'' was built on the [[w:Frostbite_(game_engine)|Frostbite 2]] engine - I know this for a fact because it can't go five minutes without banging on about it. This is a game that isn't trying to sell an engaging experience or even the military lifestyle, it's trying to sell destruction physics and the lighting engine. This becomes clear around the second time a building collapses with the camera angled in such a way as if to say &quot;You may now appreciate this. A minimum level of appreciation is required to continue.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4948-Battlefield-3]

===[[w:Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception|Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception]]===
* The game opens in London, with Drake walking off cobbled streets into an English pub with a ''motherfucking red phone box'' out the front where every single member of the clientèle looks like Grant Mitchell from [[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]. Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. 
* In one of the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the developers flat-out admit that they think up the spectacular set pieces first and then come up with the plot around them. And by ''Christ'' does it show, because [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|these games]] are getting as formulaic as a Scooby-Doo episode. Who wants to bet the lost treasure at the end will turn out to have been deliberately lost because there's some negative effect surrounding it that the bad guys want to weaponize? And that Drake will pull off the main villain's face and it'll turn out to be old man Withers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4972-Uncharted-3-Drakes-Deception]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]]===
*''Modern Warfare 3'' starts off with the advantage for being a continuation of the ongoing ''Modern Warfare'' plot and then it fumbles the advantage and serves directly into the umpire's flask of tea. Once again the action switches back and forth between the US military fighting off the sinister Russians and Captain Price et al in pursuit of some bastard who was apparently responsible. I love how that always works, don't you? Remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and now there's no terrorism anywhere in the world ever? Occasionally you also play as other characters who always have the life expectency of a rat in a homeless man's mouth, but more on that later. For me, ''Modern Warfare 3'''s plot makes its signature turn right around the bend when Russia invades Europe. As in, all of it. Simultaneously. Now I've never invaded Europe except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately! 
*The driving plot point of ''Modern Warfare 3'' is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, ''who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?!'' Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President - you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5006-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-3]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim]]===
* Nitpicking is unhelpful, however, and I'm in the kind of mood that I'm prepared to overlook a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim'', which is good, because there are a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim''.  But I'll applaud it if it means we can have less games that treat me like a child stuck in a pipe, Games Industry. I will applaud it as hard as you like.  I will slap at my palms until my future children suffer masturbation guilt.  ''No I don't know what I'm on about; go away.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5020-The-Elder-Scrolls-V-Skyrim]

===[[w:Saints Row: The Third|Saints Row: The Third]]===
* Now, the first ''[[w:Saints Row|Saints Row]]'' game was comparatively straight. It wasn't exactly ''Homicide: Life on the Street,'' but you weren't going to climb aboard any rocket-powered jet-bikes either. ''[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]'' leaned wackier, with a slightly unhealthy fascination with spraying poo at things other people would rather you didn't spray poo at, but was still somewhat grounded in reality at least. ''Saints Row: The Third'' drinks wackazade from a clown shoe. This is a trilogy progression we academics call, &quot;[[w:The Evil Dead (1981 film)|Evil]] [[w:Evil Dead II|Dead]] [[w:Army of Darkness|Syndrome]],&quot; and I'm not sure I like it. The funny parts of ''Saints Row 2'' shone all the brighter alongside its more po-faced aspects - it's when you're wearing full lucha libre gear, thwacking at zombies with a big floppy dildo as part of the everyday routine that it starts to feel less special. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5056-Saints-Row-The-Third]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Revelations|Assassin's Creed: Revelations]]===
*The cynic is an isolationist beast but can always recognize [[w:Ubisoft|one of their own]], and the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is getting very cynical. I like [[w:Assassins Creed II|the games]] but I feel my like is being exploited for coin, and at the risk of devaluing one of my favorite words, it's now faffing about like it's never faffed before and the faffing is getting out of hand. All of this bullshit - the [[w:Championship Manager|Championship Manager]] human resources management games, the [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|Templants vs. Zomsassins]] - all of this is just more and more layers of flaky pastry between me and the succulent meat of the ''Assassin's Creed'' Cornish pasty: one bloke in a bedsheet hopping about on the rooftops, carefully planning a stealthy guerrilla assault, to surgically strike like a thumbtack in a McChicken sandwich! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5114-Assassins-Creed-Revelations]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword|The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword]]===
* Speaking of ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|Wind Waker]]'', spiritually ''Skyward Sword'' feels quite reminiscent of it, except you're exploring an ocean of clouds rather than the more traditional ocean of water.  But if the surface world is supposed to be so completely covered in clouds that you and your ivory tower friends aren't even sure it exists, then why when you're exploring the surface world is it always a bright sunny day?  '''I found a plot hole!'''  '''''Nurse!''''' 
* So obviously Zelda ends up in an embuggerance, and Link has to pick up a magic sword and sort her out. This time the magic sword comes free with a standard-issue support character, who deserves special mention because, besides a twitchy enraged badger that points out important quest items by breaking wind at them, I ''cannot imagine'' a worse assistant. Her big thing is spurious rigour; she can't just say, &quot;Go in the room and stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot,&quot; it's always, &quot;There is a 70 percent chance that you must stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot.&quot; She sounds like a fucking laundry detergent commercial!
* First you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the Master Sword, then you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the three Sacred Flames, and then &quot;prove your worth&quot; a few more times for the Song of the Hero. If I were Link, I'd throw the sword down and yell: &quot;Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?! I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5148-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Skyward-Sword]

===[[w:Serious Sam 3: BFE|Serious Sam 3: BFE]]===
* For the uninitiated, Sam Stone is a nineties action-hero graduate from the Duke Nukem correspondence course with some kind of unclear role in the military, and who started showing up to work one day in a customized t-shirt and jeans.  And no one wanted to complain in case he blew cigar smoke in their face, or shagged their mums.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5184-Serious-Sam-3-BFE]

===[[w:2011 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2011]]===
*Interestingly enough, the crown of greasy brambles and throne of compacted garbage to be awarded to the worst game of 2011 are in this case two crowns and perhaps some kind of chaise lounge affair, because I can't decide which creepy, masturbatory, lead you by the nose, flimsily justified violence upon vastly inferior enemies, open-quotes &quot;realistic&quot; shooter with a 3 on the end I despise the most: ''[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]'' or ''[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Modern Warfare 3]]''. I don't hate them because they're poorly made or fail in what they set out to do, I hate them [[w:Battlefield_3#Sales_and_revenue|for what]] [[Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_3#Sales_and_revenue|they represent]]. ''Modern Borefare'' and ''Twattlefield'' not only show that people should stop making [[w:Operation_Flashpoint:_Red_River|realistic shooters]], but also make a convincing case that people should stop existing generally and perhaps we should save time, form a big circle and on an agreed signal all cap the person to the right. Oh, Happy New Year by the way. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5207-Top-5-of-2011]

=== [[w:Super_Mario_3D_Land|Super Mario 3D Land]] ===
* So the new feature is cat suits, meaning suits made to look like cats, not Luigi running around in a skin-tight...  Sorry, lost my train of thought.  There is something a little bit suss about it, though.  Maybe it's the way characters in cat mode stick their bums in the air as they walk in a way for which only the word &quot;presenting&quot; feels adequate; or the &quot;meow&quot; they make at the end of the level that makes me uncomfortable.  But maybe that's just 'cause I'm old and jaded enough to realize that someone somewhere must be getting off to this.  And I have a horrible feeling it may be Mario himself.  I've been burned before by allowing hairy middle-aged men to indulge in what they called harmless fun.
* Find me ''one'' case in which random user comments enrich an online experience.  Scroll down now and read the first five comments under this video!  You should start feeling a cold metallic sensation because you're now holding a gun to your head! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5239-Super-Mario-3D-Land-Rayman-Origins]

===[[w:Sonic Generations|Sonic Generations]]===
* ...It turned out ''Generations'' only updates one classic level per game. Green Hill Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(1991_video_game)|Sonic 1]]'', Chemical Plant Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_2_(16-bit)|Sonic 2]]'', et cetera, and this led inexorably to a brain-scouring moment when I was faced with a level based on part of [[w:/Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(2006_video_game)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' 2006]]! I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something  good. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about ''Sonic'' 2006. Nobody '''liked''' ''Sonic'' 2006. If you think you did, you're '''wrong.''' It's like saying you enjoyed listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce. I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just '''wrong'''. And yet here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it, &quot;misplaced conceit,&quot; but I'm not so I'll call it, &quot;frothing bug-eyed self-delusion.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5284-Sonic-Generations]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Old Republic|Star Wars: The Old Republic]]===

* Every time I play a MMORPG I have a moment of self-realization at some point when I say, &quot;What the ''fuck'' am I doing?&quot; and go back to being a productive member of society. In some games it comes earlier than others, but to ''Old Republic's'' credit, it did take a while. It was right after my character got the Schmillenium Schmalcon back, and the game universe opened up. My heart leaped when the space battles were introduced, but they're basically just pseudo rail shooters, in the Nova Storm or Microcosm style, and aren't much more than a gimmick. What really made me lose interest was that, in emphasizing the story, the game unwittingly sealed its downfall, because once my smuggler had reclaimed the Thousand-Year Albatross, he suddenly didn't have a story anymore. Some hideously contrived development about a pirate treasure was yanked from a butt-hole lubricated with desperate sweat, but all I could think was, &quot;Why the hell would I want a treasure?! I've got 25 grand in the bank gathering dust because the stores don't sell anything worth shit, and I peel all my equipment off dead tosspots! At least provide a beautiful princess for me to put my cocksure leg over. I spent a lot of cold lonely nights in the captain's bunk with my right hand and some racy holograms, thinking, 'So this is why they called him Han ''Solo'''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5323-Star-Wars-The-Old-Republic]

===[[w:Amy (video game)|Amy]]===
* Using the word, &quot;Escort,&quot; to describe core gameplay is like using the words, &quot;Bloody and viscous,&quot; to describe a urine sample, but Amy pulls her weight by having the power to heal you, create cones of silence, and telekinetically blast things aside.  Obviously.  I'd have been rather put out if she didn't.  In horror circles, small mute autistic girls are second in power only to Jason Voorhees listening to people fucking.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5346-Amy]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Revelations|Resident Evil: Revelations]]===
* I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best.  Sometimes my character nimbly sidestep a blow, and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual which said to, &quot;''Use the analog stick as you're about to be hit.''&quot; &quot;Use it,&quot; eh?  Thanks.  Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? &quot;'''Step 1:''' Use your hands. '''Step 2:''' Also maybe some pliers.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5373-Resident-Evil-Revelations]

=== [[w:The_Darkness_II|The Darkness II]] ===
* Ah, doesn't this take ya back!  Around mid-2007, I was living in a drainpipe, licking the backs of Cornetto lids for sustenance, and one night I'd scraped together enough pennies to afford to spend the night at the YMCA.  After agreeing to be viciously buggered in return for being allowed a go on the communal PS3, I played a demo for a game called ''The Darkness'' with a silly opening sequence and a slightly obtuse puzzle that I couldn't get past.  So after Big Steve chased me off so he could play the new ''Ratchet and Clank'', I scrounged up some yellow craft paper, made some figurines from stolen Burger King napkins, and produced a short Internet video explaining how I'm really clever and therefore the game must be dumb.  Who would have thought that that event would lead me to where I am today?  Now I have Cornetto lids beyond the dreams of avarice, and I'm the one paying to viciously bugger Big Steve.  And I'm now professional enough to play a game for more than ten minutes before I attempt to sabotage its developer's retirement plans -- unless it's ''Final Fantasy''.  Or ''Monster Hunter''.  Or I'm bored, or in a bad mood, or it's Thursday.
* In never leaving Jackie's perspective, the single-player campaign feels like a very personal journey, and there are even moments when the Darkness induces hallucinations to make him question reality.  And the co-op undermines that, too.  &quot;Oh, I guess this is reality after all, 'cause there's a voodoo priest and a samurai summoning black holes and...  Actually, let's double-check that.&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5394-Darkness-2]

===[[w:Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning|Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning]]===
* I've called ''Kingdoms of Amalur'' a lot of things - &quot;Single-Player ''World of Warcraft,''&quot; &quot;''Fable'' With a Shriveled Willy&quot; - but I think I've found the soundest comparison: it's &quot;Baby's First ''Skyrim''!&quot; Pretty much the same gameplay features with substantially less complexity and with boring, claustrophobic environments, or at least ''that's what I thought.'' When I took a moment to stop and take a good look around me, I realized that the environments were actually quite expansive, epic, and artfully designed.  It just didn't ''feel'' that way because the camera is angled slightly ''downward'', so at any given moment of gameplay 60 to 70 percent of the screen was taken up by the floor texture. If I'd been in charge of designing ceilings in this game, I'd be out for fucking blood right about now. Just goes to show how the smalles tweak of a core feature can have ruinous consequences, like prodding a tiger's bollock. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5416-Kingdoms-of-Amalur-Reckoning]

===[[w:NeverDead|NeverDead]]===
* The best constructive criticism I could offer would be to travel back in time to the first gameplay planning meeting with a large Hessian bag and some day-laborers with cricket bats.  &quot;Hey!&quot; said one developer looking up from his Lego set, &quot;If our character's immortal, then there's not going to be much challenge, is there?  Why don't we put in another character he has to escort...&quot;  And that's as far as he gets before disappearing into the Hessian bag, and his pig-like squeals are drowned out by the grunts and thwacks of the day-laborers at work.  &quot;And,&quot; says another developer sticking whiteboard markers up his nose, &quot;Let's constantly put some monsters around that can instantly game-over you if they suck in your disembodied head, but you can avoid it by completing a quicktime even...&quot; ''&quot;Get in the fucking sack!&quot;'' &quot;You know what I hate?&quot; interjects a third developer emerging from underneath his pillow fort, &quot;Using nice convenient button presses for sword attacks when we could be rattling the right analog stick back and forth and up and down like a clumsy teenage boy's first time at third base.&quot; &quot;Thank you for sharing,&quot; I would say.  &quot;You know what I hate?  ''You not being in this fuckin' sack right now!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5443-NeverDead]

===[[w:Syndicate_(2012_video_game)|Syndicate]]===
*Mostly though, the agenda I sympathize with the least is the [[w:Electronic Arts|publishers.]] What is the point of slapping a [[w:Syndicate (video game)|90s tactical shooter]]'s name recognition on a generic modern shooter if most people who like [[w:Bulletstorm|generic modern shooters]] won't remember the name, and the people who do remember the name will want to set your office on fire? You won't endear yourself offering to rape my mum for fifty bucks! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5478-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Mass_Effect_3|Mass Effect 3]] ===
* A word, then, on the subject of trilogies:  ''&quot;Bollocks!&quot;''  That was it.
* The arrangement this time around is that there's a big fat bar graph representing what percentage of your arse will get kicked if you launch the invasion, and it goes up as you complete missions and gather troops and massive quantities of sandwiches to feed them with.  It's sort of like the latter half of ''Fable 3'', but not so much designed by a yogurt (no offense, [[w:Peter_Molyneux|Peter]]).  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5497-Mass-Effect-3]

=== [[w:Twisted_Metal_(2012_video_game)|Twisted Metal]] ===
* And then there's my prowess with driving video games, in that taking my foot off the accelerator as I go around sharp mountainside bends is advice my brain just can't seem to absorb properly.  And there's something about being in a sturdy, powerful machine and being forced to wait for pedestrians crossing the road in front of you pushing some stupid pram that makes me want to physically inform them of their place in the grand scheme of things, as I explained to the judge.  Most of that came from playing ''[[w:Carmageddon|Carmageddon]]'' back in the ironically bad pun period in the nineties (see also: ''[[w:Wargasm|Wargasm]]'').  I never got around to playing any of the ''Twisted Metal'' titles, but that's all right because the new one is just called ''Twisted Metal'' which obviously means it's exactly the same as the original, doesn't it, ''OH, FUCK YOU!''
* Fortunately, there is an optional training mode, and I would highly recommend going through it, because it was only there that I found out about the jump command, which would have been handy in the previous mission when my progress was being stymied by a chest-high wall on loan from the shooter next door... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5531-Twisted-Metal]
* I find the single-player elements upsetting in many ways. I'm sure I needn't remind viewers that I'd rather hug the venomous quills of a tarantuhedgehog than a human child, but it's a shame when a game essentially about watching things explode at high speed with gurgling childish mirth tries to make itself all dark and edgy as well, like a Ferris wheel with the face of Stanley Kubrick painted on the side. Just seems like unnecessarily limiting the audience. I'm picturing Mrs. Stephens leaving her rosy-cheeked boys in the care of the latest electronic babysitter only to freeze mid cookie-baking at the sound of an f-word drifting through from the lounge, whereupon she storms in and wrenches the controllers away from her children so hard their little arms snap off at the elbow. Huh. Actually, on second thoughts, I'm down with that. Carry on, Twisted Metal.

===[[w:Yakuza: Dead Souls|Yakuza: Dead Souls]]===
* To stop beating about the bicycle, the shooting controls are a load of piss.  If you go into aim mode -- that's the ''second'' aim mode; for some reason there are ''two'' aim modes, one slightly less aim-y than the other, so why the fuck would you bother? -- then the camera angle switches to where your character is facing, rather than the character turning to face the camera angle, like how the regular boring well-designed shooters work; and I wish I had a sewing needle for every time I got teeth marks in my mauve blazer while intimidating a wall two feet to the right of the guy I was trying to aim at, because I'm going to shove them all under my fingernails.  Also, when you're not aiming, you use the right analog stick to look around.  But that's what it's good at; it's like a faithful hound trained to fetch the grouse and nothing else.  That's why in most shooters, when you go into aiming mode, you continue using the right analog stick to adjust your aim, because you're still looking at things, but now in an edgy, masculine kind of way.  Yakuza is of an innovative mindset, however, so adjusting your aim in aiming mode is done with the left analog stick.  ''Why the scrambled eggs on fucktoast would anyone do that?''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5558-Yakuza-Dead-Souls]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden 3| Ninja Gaiden 3]]===
* It's like the series feels like it's lost so much identity from cutting out the leather-clad titty monsters that it's grabbing [[w:Twilight (book)|scrips]] [[w:Resident Evil (game)|and]] [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|scraps]] from anything that it thinks people seem to like these days, trying to find a new niche before it throws up its hands, gives up, explodes all over the bedspread, and you spend the last few moments fighting a giant city-destroying naked woman clutching a broadsword. Well, good try, [[w:Team Ninja|Team Ninja]], you almost held out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5576-Ninja-Gaiden-3]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Downpour| Silent Hill: Downpour]]===
*So it's got the right survival horror combat and the right survival horror exploration, all ''Silent Hill: Downpour'' needs now to earn a great big fat tick at the bottom of the page is to be scary! ... Oh. This always ends up being the sticking point, doesn't it. Fear being a purely emotional response, it's difficult to say precisely why something [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|is]] or [[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|isn't]] scary, but as I said earlier the essence of it lies in subtlety. And because I know that word disappeared from the vocabularies of [[w:Cliff Bleszinski|triple-A game developers]] some time ago, no it is not the name of a small village in Derbyshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5595-Silent-Hill-Downpour]

===[[w:Kid Icarus: Uprising| Kid Icarus: Uprising]]===
* In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things – I'm the guy who went 50 miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house – but I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it, rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor. Okay then, now that's covered, here's ''Kid Icarus'', a shit game for twats. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5634-Kid-Icarus-Uprising]

=== [[w:Fez_(video_game)|Fez]] and [[w:I_Am_Alive|I Am Alive]] ===
* As you may have inferred from my pain-wracked sobs throughout last week's video, I was at the time suffering from rather severe tonsilitis.  So everything that passed me lips magically transmuted into an entire Mongol infantry unit the moment I tried swallowing it.  Basically what I'm saying is, the back of my mouth looked like a bunch of incontinent seagulls had exploded in a cave.  Basically what I'm saying is, it looked like a shoggoth had gotten cold feet while trying to use my epiglottis as a diving board.  Basically what I'm saying is, you could have cut my tonsils out and hid them in a basket of fancy cheeses and no one would have been the wiser.  Basically what I'm saying is, ''more painkillers!  Yum-yum!''
* ''Fez'' is a deeply explorative game in deliberately retro pixel style, outwardly a 2D platformer, but it's kinda complicated.  In broad terms, it makes me think of ''Nit'' if it had less direction, or ''[[w:Yume_Nikki|Yume Nikki]]'' if it had actual gameplay (get a load of my indie penis, spurt spurt!).  And it's all wrapped up in a bag that smells strongly of ''Super Paper Mario''.  You move in 2D, but can freely rotate the levels in 3D ninety degrees at a time to cross gaps and rearrange platforms with perspective tricks.  So I guess we could also call it ''[[w:Echochrome|Echochrome]]'' if it had more colors.  Blimey!  If indie gaming was a country, ''Fez'' would be the ki...  Well, ''Cave Story'' would be the king, but it'd be unwise to appoint ''Fez'' as the Grand Vizier, I tell ya that! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5662-Fez-and-I-Am-Alive]

===[[w:Prototype 2|Prototype 2]]===
*Games like this and ''[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|Skyrim]]'' and ''[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]'' really are the sort of thing triple-A development should be making all the time, because it really is the only thing they do best anymore. They badly need to understand why they should stop piling all their resources into designing glorious skyboxes and elaborate set pieces and other things that fall solely under the category of &quot;looking at stuff,&quot; when you cannot possibly compare &quot;looking at stuff&quot; to &quot;blowing up stuff,&quot; &quot;running to the top of stuff&quot; and &quot;skiing back down stuff with two still bloody scalps attached to the soles of your shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5688-Prototype-2]

===[[w:Risen 2: Dark Waters|Risen 2: Dark Waters]]===
* Things are operating on a sort of ''[[w:Pirates_of_the_Caribbean|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' level, where there's a bunch of all-powerful god-like entities threatening generic destruction all over the place, and a loose coalition of bad-smelling toothless seafarers have to stop them by acquiring four cans of spray-on all-powerful godlike entity repellant. Well, four magical treasures, but basically that's the gist of it. It really is strongly reminiscent of the plot writing in the [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest|later]] ''[[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides|films]], in that there is no problem in the world that doesn't have some convenient bullshit magical artifact kicking around somewhere, specifically designed to deal with it. Either the Ancient Ones didn't feel like they were doing their jobs properly if they didn't enchant every last fucking thing in their trophy cabinets, or ''someone's making shit up as they go along!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5710-Risen-2-Dark-Waters]

===[[w:Diablo III|Diablo III]]===
* You know, if any game company is likely to be secretly headed by a James Bond villain, it's Blizzard, because all their games put me into a fucking hypnotic trance, and levelling starts to carry this mindlessly addictive quality into which they could easily insert some subliminal instruction to raid the nearest plutonium storage facility. Ultimately I confess I still don't get the appeal of dungeon crawlers. Seems like I could recreate the essential experience by opening Microsoft Excel, scrolling down ten thousand pages with the down cursor key, and then typing, &quot;'''''THE MOST SPLENDID TROUSERS OF THEM ALL!'''''&quot; What I really don't get is the appeal of randomly-generated dungeons. Surely that could only possibly pay off during a second playthrough when/if the player realises that this small handful of barren rooms manaically copy-pasted and then arbitrarily stapled together seems to have been arbitrarily stapled together slightly different to before. If a book randomly rearranged its chapters with every read, then every chapter would have the characters doing fuck-all, because the plot wouldn't make sense otherwise. So the end result will always be a ''fucking boring book''. It's not just missing the forest for the trees - it's missing the forest for the trees in another completely different forest.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5777-Diablo-3]

===[[w:Lollipop Chainsaw|Lollipop Chainsaw]]===
* What with Juliette being built like a collection of sofa cushions strategically nailed to a lamp post and her fondness for skirts the length of an information pamphlet on feminist theory, one could reasonably take this as yet more proof of the [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|rampant objectification]] [[w:Tomb Raider (franchise)|of females in the media]]. But the more I considered it, the more I regarded ''Lollipop Chainsaw'' as comparatively progressive, and isn't that a depressing thought. Juliette is always in control of the situation, has a healthy devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the players should feel motivated to protect her from rapists. ([[w:Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy|Seriously, that's pretty fucked.]]) But importantly at the same time, it's never suggested that she is something women should aspire to be, either: her bubble-headed obliviousness is constantly played for laughs and there's a strong undercurrent of psychological damage as she chainsaws up her former schoolmates while remaining as innocently upbeat as a cruise ship entertainer teaching a pensioners how to line dance. It's almost a parody of the standard improbably skilled impractically dressed pouting hotties of video gaming, but then again, I'll say [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta the same thing I said] about [[w:Bayonetta|''Bayonetta'']]: just because you're being ironically fetishistic doesn't mean people ''aren't'' gonna jerk off to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5977-Lollipop-Chainsaw]

===[[w:Quantum Conundrum|Quantum Conundrum]]===
* So the puzzles are driven by a handheld device called a Portal G...  Oh, wait.  Actually a sort of power glove thing that allows you to shift between four alternate dimensions (read screen filters) that alter the physical properties of the objects around you.  It's kind of like a glove-mounted cocktail dispenser, except that it alters the physical properties of things other than your own legs.  There's the Pi&amp;ntilde;a Colada dimension where everything is light and fruity; the Black Russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife; the Absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning; and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5998-Quantum-Conundrum]

===[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]===
* In some ways, it's a rather grim exploration of the relationship between player and player-character.  Are we really in control of Captain Walker, or do we merely represent the last vestige of self-awareness in his increasingly damaged mind as he railroads us into committing atrocities, and our distrust and fear of him grows in parallel to that of the men in his command as he weakly tries to rationalize to both them and us until we feel as disconnected from him as the rest of reality and...  ''(*weary sigh*)''  Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell?  Those were good days...  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6021-Spec-Ops-The-Line]

===[[w:The_Walking_Dead_(2012_video_game)|Walking Dead]]===
* ...If you're thinking of having a go at making your own [point-and-click adventure game], here's my hot tip: First, think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat down from a tree.  Then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand.  Then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way you'd solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, maybe hiding a spider under the sunshades in Old Man Withersteen's car, so that he crashes it into the tree trunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the ''Moon''. &quot;''Why?!''&quot; Because adventure game developers can't cum unless they're picturing the frustrated tears of people who used to trust them. Actually, that could just be me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6044-Walking-Dead]

===[[w:Inversion (video game)|Inversion]]===
* Cover shooting is fine if it serves the game; if it's the glue connecting the actual interesting bits of the model aeroplane. But when the interesting bits only exist to serve the cover shooting, then you're grinding up the model aeroplane components to help beef up the glue. You give us mastery over one of the fundamental forces in the universe and then suggest we just use it to make it slightly easier to shoot things behind cover? Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a [[w:Green_Lantern|Green Lantern]] ring. You'd probably just use it to conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun. Couldn't we use our gravity powers to, y'know, ''fly''?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6083-Inversion]

===[[w:Half-Life (video game)|Half-Life]]===
* I close now, reassured that Half-Life is indeed still good.  Perhaps one could partly blame it for some of today's shooter problems, like aggressive [[w:Kane_%26_Lynch_2:_Dog_Days|linearity]] and [[w:Bulletstorm|cut-scenes]], but that was just dipshits aping something popular without grasping the subtleties. You can't blame ''[[Watchmen]]'' for all of the comics in the '90s being about angsty people shooting blood out of tit-mounted pouch guns... and pouch-mounted gun tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6126-Half-Life]

===[[w:Wreckateer|Wreckateer]] and [[w:Deadlight|Deadlight]]===
*[''Deadlight''] is a game that looks like someone at Castle [[w:Xbox Live Arcade|XBLA]] who I imagine resembles [[w:J. Jonah Jameson|J. Jonah Jameson]] said &quot;Where are the [[w:Braid (video game)|indie-spirited]] unrelentingly grim platformers?! Take this checklist and find me a game with more tics than a mangy dog!&quot; It's like something that the XBLA spontaneously generated one day when it had enough titles rubbing together. So it's a linear silhouette platformer like [[w:Limbo (video game)|''Limbo'']] that controls kind of [[w:Shadow Complex|''Shadow Complex''y]] with the merest hint of [[w:'Splosion Man|'''Splosion Man'']] and a story channeling [[w:I Am Alive|''I Am Alive'']] narrated by a bloke [[w:Bastion (video game)|with a voice like he smokes entire rolled-up carpets]]. Oh yes, and it's set in a zombie apocalypse, which is the point that the Indie-O-Meter starts ringing bells and emitting confetti. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6163-Wreckateer-and-Deadlight]

=== [[w:Darksiders 2 (video game)|Darksiders 2]] ===
* ...I was surprised to see a 20 hour play time on the save file, because it had felt ''a fuck-load longer than that.'' It's that most tedious of game plots where you have precisely one goal, that never wavers or updates in any way, and they fill the time by putting a fucking parking barrier every fifty paces that you can't move past until you've gotten three of something from the local dungeon. And it's always ''three'' of something! In fact, more than once I'd be asked to find three of something in exchange for one of ''another'' set of three things I was already looking for! It's not just padded, it's fractally padded! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6248-Darksiders-2]

=== [[w:Borderlands 2|Borderlands 2]] ===
* Anyway, we return to to the planet Pandora, or, to give it its full name, the planet Pandora – [[w:Avatar (2009 film)|no-not-that-one]] – with four vault hunters of varying skillsets different superficially from the four vault hunters of the previous game, but not in any practical sense.  And after the vault that drove the first game's plot was revealed to be short on treasure and long on tentacles, it turns out that there's actually more than one legendary treasure vault on Pandora-no-not-that-one, some of which actually do have treasure in.  So that means that everyone in the game gets to keep calling you Vault Hunter.  Phew.  Thought we'd have to change our stationery.  But now your quest is to end the tyrannical regime of one Handsome Jack, who lured you out to Pandora-no-not-that-one and then tried to kill you because he hates vault hunters, oh no wait actually he wants to manipulate vault hunters, but then why would he try to kill you?  Oh, stop thinking about it and kill some more Jasons, Mr. Picky-Pants.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6364-Borderlands-2]

=== [[w:Medal_of_Honor_Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]] &amp; [[w:Doom_3_BFG_Edition#Doom_3:_BFG_Edition|Doom 3: BFG Edition]] ===
* After I declared ''Battlefield 3'' and ''Modern Warfare'' as The Twin Bollock Lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I just don't like shooters. Oh you ignorant little ''bastards!'' Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wii-motes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies. You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits-about-you, rocket-jumping, last scrap of health, toodly fuckpies organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is ''not'' riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by other people's gunfire.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6492-Medal-of-Honor-Warfighter-Doom-3-BFG-Edition]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed 3|Assassin's Creed 3]] ===
* The sandbox map gets absolutely bukakke'd with collectibles and side-quests, but what's it all in aid of, ''Assassin's Creed 3''? &quot;Well, at your home base, there's this ongoing thing where Connor enlists specific craftsmen to recreate his own personal theme park version of ''[[Little House on the Prairie (TV series)|Little House on the Prairie]]''.&quot; So? &quot;You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items, and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft.&quot; Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa? &quot;You sell the sofa for money!&quot; Ok, now I am a millionaire East Coast sofa baron. What do I DO with the money? &quot;Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions.&quot;  Well, that's something, I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me? &quot;More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!&quot; Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people? &quot;What is it with you and stabbing people?&quot; '''''What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?!'''''
* Don't be ''Farmville'', ''Assassin's Creed'', be ''Assassin's Creed''. We've already got a ''Farmville'', it's called ''Farmville''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6516-Assassins-Creed-3]

=== [[w:Halo 4|Halo 4]] ===
* I feel sorry for 343 Industries, the company Microsoft brought in to do ''Halo'' because the company champagne fountain needed refilling and Bungie escaped from the basement. It's always awkward replacing someone everyone's gotten used to, isn't it? This must be what it's like for new popes. &quot;Oh, sorry, the old pope always preferred golden syrup in his porridge. No, it's alright, the old pope and me had this little understanding - I'd fuck altar boys and he'd hush it up!&quot; Still, you can't say 343 aren't grateful for the opportunity. Funny how ''Halo 4'' was released on election day, as part of some sinister Republican conspiracy to make people who write game FAQs stay at home. 'cause at the start and end of the game, there's a little personal message from the new developers that has much of the acceptance speech about it. &quot;Ooh, thank you so much for accepting us, o handsome and wonderful consumer! We promise not to completely diddle ''Halo'' over a doghouse, slurp-slurp, fawn-fawn!&quot; It's just a fucking aging shooter franchise, 343 Industries, you're not the fucking UN Secretary General. Stop trying to altar-boy me!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6542-Halo-4]

=== [[w:Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2|Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2]] ===
* People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the First World are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet, and ''Modern Warfare'' games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone's jealous of you. It's like when white dudes complain about being victims of racism 'cause all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock. Just to underline it, the villain is behind an organization of the world's underclasses, so you can add the ''poor'' to the growing list of peoples the audience of ''Black Ops 2'' feels threatened by. But perhaps I shouldn't dwell on the politics. The occasionally sympathetic portrayal of the villain and that whole chapter where you're called upon to defend a repulsively-decadent future city for rich people does show a degree of self-awareness on 'Blops 2's part. I honestly can't be arsed to speculate what level of irony we may or may not be operating on, so let's just judge it by the gameplay: It's boring and stupid! Give it a miss! Fuck, that could've saved a bit of time!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6565-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops-2]

=== [[w:Hitman: Absolution|Hitman: Absolution]] ===
* If you're unfamiliar with standard ''Hitman'' gameplay, they're basically adventure games for the impatient. Missions take place in open-ended environments, and you can either engineer an accidental-seeming death with obscure inventory puzzles, or you can just stove their head in with a brick 'cause you've got shit to do!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6586-Hitman-Absolution]

===[[w:Far Cry 3|Far Cry 3]]===
* One time, I was carefully scouting an enemy base and had just about decided on the best angle of attack when a fucking ''tiger'' lolloped into the base and fucking cleared it out with strategic maulings! What a right wally Mr. Pussycat has made me look like, but it's the sort of thing that'd never fucking happen in ''Call of Duty'', isn't it? Not unless Mr. Pussycat was a programmed setpiece with ties to Al-Qaeda.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6603-Far-Cry-3]

===[[w:ZombiU|ZombiU]]===
* So, I got myself a Wii U, and as with many Nintendo products these days, the startup process feels like you're joining a cult. With the constant music that one might hear in the elevators of a methadone clinic and the crowd of Miis staring up at you as if to say, &quot;Come and join us! The master will be home soon!&quot; and I had to mute the fucking TV during the update process, 'cause that repeating &quot;widdly-wee&quot; noise felt like it was implanting hypnotic suggestions. With a drill. Here's a fun drinking game I devised for the Wii U - take a shot every time the little controller screen is doing something that couldn't have just been put on the TV screen without sacrificing anything. It's the best drinking game, because afterwards, you can legally drive home!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6647-ZombiU]

===[[w:2012 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2012]]===
* Yes it's confirmed, &quot;Warfighter&quot; is actually a word used by the actual military, but I don't see how that makes it any less dumb! Or ''[[w:Medal of Honor: Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]]'' any less obnoxious, incoherent, and boring. In the year I started referring to schizophrenic, overly linear modern military shooters as 'spunkgargleweewee' with the good taste and maturity you've come to expect, I felt it would be remiss of me not to represent the genre here - a genre I would've been tempted to now to put alongside [[w:Street Fighter IV|one-on-one fighters]], [[w:Starcraft II|real-time-strategy]] and [[w:RailWorks|train simulators]] as shit that's just not for me and not worth opinionating on. If it weren't for... ''[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]''! And thanks a fucking bunch, Yager Development, `cause now I have to keep playing modern military shooters just in case they turn out to be the most exciting thing to happen in video game narrative for fucking years! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6677-Top-5-of-2012]

===[[w:Paper Mario: Sticker Star|Paper Mario: Sticker Star]]===
* I am very fond of the ''Paper Mario'' series, not just for being fun games, but for being my secret weapon. I say [[w:Final Fantasy XIII|the ''Final Fantasy'' games]] are now essentially the same as glueing kaleidoscopes to your eyes and spending twenty hours in the queue at a Brazilian sex-change clinic, and then, say, a dolphin or a stoat materialises behind me and goes, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like RPGs!&quot; Or I point out that, ever since ''[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Galaxy]]'', [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|the]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros 2|entire]] [[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Mario]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros U|franchise]] has just been rolling back and forth on the floor of a public bathroom trying to catch spiders in it's mouth, and I get, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like Nintendo!  Mario games!  Or fun!&quot; But then I can go, &quot;Have I mentioned how much I like the ''Paper Mario'' series? They're RPGs that are also Mario games developed by Nintendo and are FUN! Eat your devastated argument on a crusty bap, Flipper! WHOPAH!&quot; and then I dance in the rain at their exploded head. Or rather, that's how it used to go. More recently, they then get to say, &quot;So does this mean you really like ''Paper Mario: Sticker Star'' on the 3DS?&quot; at which point I have to fall upon my secondary masterstroke, which is to smash a bottle over their head and run away.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6695-Paper-Mario-Sticker-Star]

===[[w:Black Knight Sword|Black Knight Sword]] and [[w:Hotline Miami|Hotline Miami]]===
* ...an informative, if grammatically iffy title, 'cause it's about a knight in black armour who uses a sword. If only other games were willing to wear its colours so prominently in the title - it'd certainly make cataloguing them a lot easier. Like, &quot;[[w:Half-Life 2|Orange Nerd Crowbar]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Modern Warfare 2|Brown Sweaty Racism]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Red Dead Revolver|Red Dead Revolv-]]&quot; oh wait. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6723-Black-Knight-Sword-Hotline-Miami]

===[[w:Anarchy Reigns|Anarchy Reigns]]===
* I've had the same conversation ''n'' times this week. &quot;I've been playing ''Anarchy Reigns''!&quot; I'd say to a friend or favoured bartender. &quot;Never heard of it,&quot; they'd say, to which I'd reply, &quot;You know, I've had this exact same conversation ''n''-1 times this week.&quot; There's, &quot;flying under the radar,&quot; but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, ''Anarchy Reigns'' isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway. All I knew was that it's by Sega, and the name is possibly intended to be ironic, because Anarchy refers to a situation in which nobody's reigning shit. It's like calling your game ''Dog Meows'', or ''Margaret Thatcher Cares''. But anyway, it turns out that ''Anarchy Reigns'' is a sequel to ''Madworld'' of sorts, except that it's not on the Wii, and it's not a spectacle fighter, and it's not in cel-shaded black and white. So yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty big &quot;of sorts&quot;, isn't it? The one connecting element is the main character Jack 'cause, you know, there's such a fucking shortage of [[w:Bulletstorm|grizzled, macho badasses]] voiced by [[w:Steve Blum|Steve Blum]] in gaming that we have to start recycling them now. And then they say, &quot;Are you buying a fucking drink or what?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6738-Anarchy-Reigns]

===[[w:DmC: Devil May Cry|DmC: Devil May Cry]]===
* So the first controversy is that Dante, the cocky, swaggering, well dressed man in a bleached moptop has been supplanted by Dante, the cocky, swaggering nine-year-old who throws on the first wife-beater and dressing gown that he could be persuaded to peel off the kitchen floor, with short dark hair, no less! Why don't you just come over here and put your cock through the middle of my Devil May Cry PS2 disc, Ninja Theory? Seriously though, I suppose if you're messing with canon, it's better to go forward with confidence and rip off the waxing strip all at once than to ask if we're okay with it for every uprooted pube. But what we could do without was that one scene near the start, where a mop contrivedly falls onto Dante's head and he stares at himself in the mirror for just long enough for it to not be funny, before smirkingly dismissing the look. There's going forward with confidence, and then there's a developer whipping the tip of my nose with its big, pleased-with-itself stiffy. Not that I think the original quippery doucebag Dante is sacrosanct; I thought he was an absolute knobend. But all you need to do is establish that new Dante is an equally big knobend and then we can all move on! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6765-DMC-Devil-May-Cry]

===[[w:The Cave (video game)|The Cave]]===
* The Cave is an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with [[w:Broken Age|the Double Fine adventure game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house]]. A different Double Fine adventure game, this one written and designed by Ron Gilbert, he of the superlative ''[[w:Secret of Monkey Island|Secret of Monkey Island]]'' and of course ''[[w:Maniac Mansion|Maniac Mansion]]'', the adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven, but that's enough nostalgia. ''The Cave'' is an all new adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven. What a fat lot of good the last twenty five years must have been! Oh, but Ron knows when I'm just being facetious for comic effect. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6788-The-Cave]

===[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch]]===
* At times, ''Wrath of the White Privilege'' pleasantly evokes the old 16 bit JRPGs I can actually tolerate, like ''[[w:Earthbound|Earthbound]]'' or ''[[w:Final Fantasy VI|Final Fantasy VI]]'' with its actually coherent plot and random monsters occasionally smart enough to scarper if you're over-leveled, but the actual combat sucks a fat one. I find I'm more tolerant of turn based combat than I used to be because it is nice for a game to constantly pause itself in case you happen to be playing it while fighting a panther, and of course real time combat would be chocolate smeared all over a consenting biscuit. But it's these hideous hybrid systems that modern JRPGs tend to have that piss in my radiators, 'cause you end up with the worst qualities of both. We find ourselves having to cycle through an option menu while simultaneously running around avoiding the hits, and I've got this lovely big controller here just covered in buttons, any one of which could be a dedicated 'defend' command. But no, I must instead wrestle my way to the 'defend' option in the half second it takes for the enemy to brew up another devastating fart.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6830-Ni-No-Kuni-Wrath-Of-The-White-Witch]

=== [[w:Dead Space 3|Dead Space 3]] ===
* You know what?  I fucking give up.  I give up just like the bloke who said, &quot;Hey, EA, let's make a horror game,&quot; at the start of all this must have given up.  He was still around for ''Dead Space 2'' saying, &quot;Look! I made a crayon drawing with blood on it!  Maybe you could leave it lying around somewhere in between all the ridiculous action sequences.&quot;  But now at the time of ''Dead Space 3'', that man has resigned, or been eaten, or maybe the parasitic brain worms that control EA's upper management got to him as well.  &quot;Yes, of course ''Dead Space'' should be an action shooter; more people buy those.  Heaven forbid that we actually provide for an underserved niche or hold out for sleeper sales.  It's not like we make the kind of money that could support an occasional risky investment with any actual integrity.  Why should we stick our necks into the scary outlying territories when we could be tucked up all safe and warm in the comfortable grey dough of mediocrity that is EA's usual output?  What's that?  You're getting hungry?  Okay, I'll just put some cat food down my ear.  Yes, I know you like the chunky kind.&quot;
* Another new feature is weapon crafting, which is part of EA's big scheme to get in on all that sweet FarmVille micro-payment action by letting you pay for more craftable resources. &quot;Did you love blowing real money on flooding everyone's Facebook pages with news on your imaginary cows? Well, you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort and thus cheapen any sense of achievement!&quot; I might be more indignant if I thought this would actually ''work''! The scheme seems to be to walk into a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor and say, &quot;I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put some money in there, then you know, the option's open.&quot; And if anyone actually does put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have had financial independence in the first place.
* &quot;Tension? What's that? The thing that comes before elevension?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6891-Dead-Space-3]

===[[w:Aliens: Colonial Marines|Aliens: Colonial Marines]]===
* &quot;Oh Yahtzee, we're looking forward to hearing your opinions on this one!&quot; trilled several correspondents this week, and then they ran away like they'd just lit a firework or pushed a friend into the girl's toilets or thrown an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog. Oh, I see! No-one wants me around when the new ''Call of Duty'' is training you to ignore yet another quality recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left, then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher! Well, how do you know I don't actually really like ''Colonial Marines''?! I ''don't''; it's fucking atrocious, but you'd have looked pretty silly if I ''had'', wouldn't you?
* So, ''Colonial Marines'' is pretty much a wash. But without meaning to absolve [[w:Gearbox Software|the]] [[w:TimeGate Studios|developers]], they get all the blame for this fucking trainwreck as soon as they figure out how to divvy it up. What gets me are the ''Aliens'' fans who have been declaring it the final betrayal. [[w:Alien 3|Have]] [[w:Alien Resurrection|you]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator (film)|seen]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator: Requiem|literally]] ''[[w:Superman/Aliens|anything]]'' [[w:Aliens vs. Predator (video game)|''Alien''-related]] post [[w:Aliens (film)|''Aliens'' the film]]? Your sweetums has been putting it about for decades, guys. The betrayal ship has sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6912-Aliens-Colonial-Marines]

=== [[w:Crysis 3|Crysis 3]] ===
* Maybe I just don't have the genius brain for some good old hard sci-fi, the kind of hard sci-fi where the most significant new addition is a bow and arrow. Yeah, that's some real hard fucking sci-fi right there! It really illustrates how desperate they were to find a new feature to trumpet - the amount of fuss that gets made about a fucking piece of string tied to a bendy stick. First it features prominently on the box art, and then it's introduced in the first mission with what sounds like a conversation from the fucking shopping channel. &quot;Gosh, I just love exterminating my fellow man with the most advanced projectile weaponry in existence, but sometimes I think that if I could pick the bullets out of the ruined bodies of my victims, put them back into my guns and use them again, then I'd just be so much more productive! But there's no way I can do ''that'', is there?&quot; &quot;Well, Prophet, have you tried 'Bow And Arrow'?&quot; &quot;Bow and Arrow, you say?&quot; &quot;Yes! Not only does Bow And Arrow allow ammo recovery, but it's also silent, can be fired without de-cloaking, and does about twelve times the damage of a bullet for some reason!&quot; &quot;Gosh, Psycho! Bow And Arrow sounds so convenient it almost makes you wonder why they were ''completely supplanted by guns '''fucking centuries ago!'''''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6964-Crysis-3]

=== [[w:Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance|Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance]] ===
* Sometimes, I think the ''Metal Gear'' franchise is like Jim Carrey in ''[[w:The Truman Show|The Truman Show]]''. It's this loud, wacky dipshit in dire need of an editor who lives in a little world of his own surrounded by people reassuring him that, no, ''Metal Gear Solid 4'' was totally a touching, emotional character drama, especially when the funny man did a big poo in his pants! And every now and again, someone tries to parachute in wearing a t-shirt saying, &quot;EVERYONE'S TAKING THE PISS,&quot; but gets swiftly bundled out of sight by a dog walker and a Sony executive. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6994-Metal-Gear-Rising-Revengeance]

=== [[w:Tomb Raider (2013 video game)|Tomb Raider]] ===
* Lara Croft manages to convince a small team of ethnically-diverse archaeologists who all seem to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are unwillingly made part of someone else's character development, to investigate a mysterious island where they find a storm preventing them from leaving and a mad cult of bearded castaways who have for years been using inflated shopping bags tied to sticks as substitutes for female companionship. So all the pieces are in place for Lara Croft to get the absolute shit kicked out of her for ten hours. Oh, I see! When Lara Croft gets beaten up, we're supposed to admire her strength and character, but when the same thing happens to [[w:Uncharted|Nathan Drake]], we're supposed to point and laugh? ''Why do you hate men so much, games industry?'' Nah, obviously that was sarcasm, because Nathan Drake has never been the subject of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy a controversial attempted rape scene.] Although if you miss the quick-time event to fight off the attempted rapist (Which I did, because the timing is really annoying on those things), then it turns out he only wanted to throttle her to death! Phew, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to misjudge these hairy cultist murderers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7025-Tomb-Raider]

=== [[w:SimCity (2013 video game)|SimCity]] ===
* So tell me, little finger puppet, assuming that multiplayer elements are about as enticing to me as the sight of a dog sniffing another dog's bum (an easy thing to assume, because they are), are there any new features ''SimCity'' can offer me? &quot;Well there's a poo map!&quot; (beat) I beg your pardon? &quot;We've got a special map that lets you see all the poo forming in big piles under people's houses! Then you build an outlet pipe and watch all the poo speed away on a wee-wee one-way system!&quot; (beat) '''''Fucking SOLD!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7053-SimCity]

===[[w:BioShock: Infinite|BioShock: Infinite]]===
* Comparisons to ''BioShock'' are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic (or however that phrase goes,) and under that light Infinite falls kinda short. What's disappointing is that the villain is basically just a racist nutter who wants to blow up the world. I listen to him frothing about how his carpet made of black people should be grateful he hasn't trod in any dog shit lately, and he becomes hard to take seriously. The truly great villain is one who talks sense; Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap.
* It is, however, hairy space hopper levels of pretentious. It comes and goes in and out of its own butt the whole way through, but the ending is the point of maximum own butt penetration. It wallows in a bit of abstract meta-narrative - wanky wanky word word - that doesn't really serve the essential plot points, and I found myself thinking: &quot;If this ends with us meeting God and God looks like [[w:Ken Levine (game developer)|Ken Levine]], then I'm gonna fucking punch someone.&quot; But you know what? If it isn't boring and gives us something to talk about then it can't be bad. And ''Infinite'' isn't bad, it's good, perhaps even great. You see, sometimes it's kinda nice to be up somebody's butt if it's cozy and warm and they've put some interesting conversation pieces up there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7105-BioShock-Infinite]

===[[w:Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon|Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon]]===
* I think I see how the Nintendo flowchart works. Question 1: Are you an entirely original property? If yes, sod off. Question Two: [[w:Kid Icarus|Has your franchise gone unacknowledged for a long time?]] Or are you [[w:Pokemon|''Pokémon'']]? If yes, welcome aboard the uncomfortably sharp edges of the good ship 3DS! Hope your audience likes having sore palms! (Masturbation joke in there somewhere!) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7169-Luigis-Mansion-Dark-Moon]

===[[w:History_of_video_game_consoles_(eighth_generation)|Next Gen Buyer's Guide]]===
* So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played: Where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=247273 Magus of the Vineyard] from [[w:Magic The Gathering|Magic The Gathering]].[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7417-Next-Gen-Buyers-Guide]

===[[w:Fuse_(video_game)|Fuse]]===
* There's something slightly surreal about playing a game single-player when it's obviously designed for co-op. It's like getting through an average day with your wallet, phone and keys tied around the necks of three dogs who hang back and stare at you gormlessly while you clear out the room, at which point they all run over to the door to the next room waggling their tails in anticipation of walkies. Although one way the single-player gets spiced up a bit is that you can switch between the four characters, ''[[w:Clive_Barker's_Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]''-style - Ew, [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho I just thought about ''Clive Barker's Jericho''!] Thanks a lot, ''Fuse.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7466-Fuse]

===[[w:Remember_Me_(video_game)|Remember Me]]===
* That is a direct quote and I'm going to leave it dangling here like a corpse on a gibbet while we consider that someone charged actual money to write it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7542-Remember-Me]

===[[w:Electronic_Entertainment_Expo_2013|E3 2013]]===
* The author wishes it to be known that the bulk of this video was written before the [[w:Xbox_One#Initial_used_games_and_Internet_verification_policies|Microsoft DRM backtrack]], and he now thinks that games exclusive to Xbox One are no more tainted by original sin than those exclusive to other consoles. He regrets now having to fall back on less popular arguments against next-gen consoles such as their blind insistence on empty spectacle above all else to make triple-A development all the more elitist and prohibitively expensive, the systematic erasure of console gaming history one generation at a time, the flagrantly anti-consumer culture of artificial exclusivity that has created a world in which games are expected to support consoles in which artwork exists to serve a medium on which artwork is presented, as if the words of a great novel exist to serve paper, or a great film exists to serve a piece of wall onto which it has been projected, and so on, and so on, and so on... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7595-E3-2013]

===[[w:Animal Crossing: New Leaf|Animal Crossing: New Leaf]]===
* It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss-up on the beach with all your pals? ''No.'' The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. Oh, thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, goose woman; doesn't go with my place but it would just look perfect at the PAWN SHOP! Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on its multicoloured- DON'T CARE, PAWN SHOP! Give me my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7738-Animal-Crossing-New-Leaf]

===[[w:Ride to Hell: Retribution|Ride to Hell: Retribution]]===
* ''Ride to Hell'' is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big-boy pants going, &quot;I'm a real game now!&quot; Of course you are, ''Ride to Hell''. And that's why I think everyone should buy it, just to fuck with some heads! This could be our ''[[w:Plan 9 from Outer Space|Plan 9 from Outer Space]]''! We should have mass screenings of it, get everyone to dress up, put upside down pedal bins on their heads and then beat their wives! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7785-Ride-to-Hell-Retribution]

===[[w:Dark_(video_game)|Dark]]===
* I'm pleased to report that I've done at least one review for [[w:Alpha Protocol|every letter]] [[w: Bioshock 2|of the]] [[w:Catherine (video game)|alphabet]]! Thank Christ for [[w:XCOM: Enemy Unknown|XCOM]]! But if there's one letter that's over-represented, it's D. And that's because [[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|roughly]] [[w:Dishonored|100 percent]] [[w:Duke Nukem Forever|of game titles]] starts with the word &quot;Dark&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dark Souls|Souls]]'', ''[[w:Dark Void|Void]]'', ''[[w:Darksiders|-siders]]'', ''[[w:The Darkness (video game)|-ness]]'' and ''[[w:Darkest of Days|-est of Days]]''. So the subject of today's review gets refreshingly to the nub of the matter. Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off. Pity the actual game is cajun-cooked walrus dribble, but never mind. They could always patch things up with a sequel which would logically be named &quot;dead&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dead Rising 2|Rising]]'', ''[[w:Dead Island|Island]]'', ''[[w:Dead Space (video game)|Space]]'' and ''[[w:Deadpool (video game)|-pool]]''! 
* Every vampire story has different rules, of course. In the ''Dark'' universe for example, the super-secret weakness of vampires is bullets! And cunningly, the security guards of the world all carry guns, having figured out that your Achilles heel is any kind of physical damage whatsoever! So Dark is strictly a stealth game. Such is the aversion to bullets that Eric cannot carry a gun himself. So do the maths here, sonny: Melee-only attacks, plus large numbers of enemies with guns, plus large open environments with limited cover, equals: It's a shame you have such an aversion to bullets, Eric mate, because a lot of them are going to be trying to make friends with you! And your one attack can be blocked by aware enemies, so if you get spotted sneaking up on a dude, the action becomes a rather humiliating game of Patty-cake. I wanted Eric to go back to the club after the first mission and say, &quot;Are you sure I'm a vampire and not just a Goth with a personal trainer?&quot;
* Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7823-Dark]

===[[w:Saints Row IV|Saints Row IV]]===
* You see, it takes a lot of care to make a game that looks completely carefree. Yeah, fucking write that one down, Wikiquote! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8062-Saints-Row-4]

===[[w:Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs(video_game)|Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs]]===
* Quite a few game-play features have been stripped out, starting with the Sanity Meter, which was probably smart. I don't like when a game tries to tell you how you feel – &quot;You are scared, this number says you are scared, pull a scared face&quot; – when it could just be, y'know, ''scaring me'' without trying to keep score. It's like when a game introduces a lone female character who you talk to for five minutes and then it says, &quot;You love this person, go rescue her.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8158-Amnesia-A-Machine-For-Pigs]

===[[w: Grand Theft Auto V(video_game)|Grand Theft Auto V]]===
* There's nothing that excites me that I can point to and call the defining moment. It's just a whole load of people doing ''stuff'', which I admit is a fairly weak argument. World War II was just &quot;a whole load of people doing stuff,&quot; but at least getting your leg blown off gives you something for the next letter home: &quot;Dear Mum: Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well, I've managed to redress the balance somewhat. P.S. ''Fucking hell!! Aaaahhhhh!!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8193-Grand-Theft-Auto-5]

===[[w:The_Legend_of_Zelda:_The_Wind_Waker_HD|The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD]]===
* I can only imagine the panic in [[w:Nintendo|Nintendo]]'s [[w:High-definition_television|HD]] remake department when they were given this job: &quot;It still looks fine! What can HD possibly add? Make the GUI smaller so we can fill even more of the screen with featureless blue ocean?&quot;
* ...It's good! Because it's ''Wind Waker'' and ''Wind Waker'' was good! That's about the final word. Except for this one: &quot;Mingegurgle!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8347-The-Legend-of-Zelda-The-Windwaker-HD]

===[[w:Call_of_Duty:_Ghosts|Call of Duty: Ghosts]]===
* The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions!
* [South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being &quot;superior&quot; if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, ''orbital fucking missile weapon''!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!
* Just for fun, I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut at the start who immediately dies, one helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happened, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. &quot;Dammit, the black guy died!&quot; they seemed to say. &quot;Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8465-Call-of-Duty-Ghosts]

===[[w: Ryse: Son of Rome|Ryse: Son of Rome]]===
* &quot;But Yahtzee, the environments are pretty!&quot; Oh, shit, I forgot.  Ten out of ten! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8525-Ryse-Son-of-Rome]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 3|Dead Rising 3]] ===
* Hey, Capcom villains, zombie viruses do not make good superweapons! What's easier to occupy: a city full of people shopping and mowing the lawn, or a city full of murderers with a bite-transmittable virus and no ambition in life except to bite things?!
* I should mention there are combo vehicles now, and I'm not so proud that I can't admit that plowing through uncountable hordes of the undead in a motorbike steamroller didn't make me titter like a schoolgirl riding a bicycle with a knobbly saddle. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8568-Dead-Rising-3]

=== [[w:Super Mario 3D World|Super Mario 3D World]] ===
* I played a bit of it co-op, but cooperative it is ''not''; it's more competitive than fucking [[w:Bushido_Blade_(video_game)|Bushido Blade]]. All possible enjoyment was replaced by stress and bitterness because, at the end of the level, whoever got the most points is given a fucking crown, and with that largesse on the table camaraderie was only the first thing to drop off the map as we both tried to sprint ahead, snatching up coins. And once one person touches the flag at the end the other has a deadline the length of an average pull-out procedure before the level ends and the players who made it are showered with confetti and accolades, while everyone else harbors the kind of seething resentment usually reserved for Palestinians and bridesmaids. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8591-Super-Mario-3D-World]

===[[w:Knack (video game|Knack]] ===
* People tell me most consoles aim for being loss leaders these days. Well, I don't know about that, but they certainly are ''dross'' leaders... Leaders in the field of ''dross''... Y'know, [[#Remember Me | I got paid money to write that]].
* ...The level design is as bland as it gets. Corridor after corridor after empty room after empty room. You can design every single fucking level with one very long piece of string threaded through some ping-pong balls. I asked myself a short ways in, &quot;Why do the words &quot;Crash Bandicoot&quot; keep crossing my mind?&quot; 'Cos that's what it plays like! This is as far as we've come, people! Right back around to PS1 era gameplay: moving along a line and hitting things. Except ''Crash Bandicoot'' had colour and life and secrets and challenges and character and humour and squealing pigs you can ride on after looking at the camera with a slightly suspect look on your face. And what does Knack have? Twelve different varieties of rock texture! You spend more time in caves than a hibernating bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8665-Knack]

=== [[w:Killzone: Shadow Fall|Killzone: Shadow Fall]] ===
* ...In future, if I review a game on the [[w:Xbox_One|X-Bone]] or the [[w:PlayStation 4|Piss-Poor]], every time I say something in the slightest bit positive, I want you to mentally append the phrase, &quot;...but it doesn't justify forcing us to buy a clunky new console with no backwards compatibility.&quot; I've banged that drum with my raging hate stiffy so many times I figure it can go without saying. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8696-Killzone-Shadow-Fall]

=== [[w:Broken Age|Broken Age]] ===
* Maybe I should judge it by its own merits and stop dragging in comparisons to older games. Maybe. But the game was fucking ''funded'' on nostalgia for those older games. It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did. '''Then why did you charge so much for his ''spunk''?!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8744-Broken-Age]

===[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]===
* Now, I never reviewed ''Dark Souls'' because other titles were out and my play time was limited, and every time I sat down to it, it was like walking into a dark shed full of rakes, immediately treading on one and getting blatted in the face.  Other people with more time on their hands started telling me it was the greatest thing since tummy rubs.  So I'd go back in the shed thinking, &quot;Well maybe there was just the one rake,&quot; before ''*blat*'' in the face again.  So I left it for a while, but this week with plenty of free time in my schedule, I thought to myself, &quot;Last chance; I'll just keep tanking the rakes and maybe I'll somehow become really psychotically into being rake-faced just in time to be prepared for the sequel.&quot;  And I'll be blatted in the face with a rake if that isn't kinda what happened. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8802-Dark-Souls]

===[[w:Strider (video game)|Strider]] ===
* It's always a good sign when, by the end, you're actively seeking out difficult fights because the last time you cleared a room with minimal hits using a combination of slashes, [[w:Kunai|kunais]], and generic ninja flip-outs, you felt like your bollocks sprouted pins and turned into little grenades (if male). Otherwise, your clitoris extended six feet and flew the American flag. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8855-Strider]

=== [[w:Thief_(video_game)|Thief]] ===
* ...''Thief'' is a reboot of a series in which a bloke steals money from people with too much disposable income because he doesn't feel like putting any effort into working for a living, so it's good to see the creators of this new one taking that particular attitude on board, if nothing else. I wondered if it might be better to assess it by its own merits rather than how it differs from the originals, but on the other hand that's like wondering whether to use a fish slicer or a butterfly net to get shit out of the trifle.
* ...If you asked old Garrett why he stole, he'd answer &quot;Because I need to pay rent and it's the only thing I'm good at. So shut up and let go of your wallet.&quot; New Garrett would, and indeed does, give the answer &quot;Because it's what I do.&quot; No, Garrett, it's what you're currently doing. ''Hey, Yahtzee, why are you kicking new Garrett in the stomach?'' '''BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M CURRENTLY DOING!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8891-Thief-Stealing-a-Classic]

=== [[w:Castlevania:_Lords_of_Shadow_2|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2]] ===
* It ''is'' a nice idea to be able to play Dracula. I look forward to the game that allows us to do so, rather than the shirtless, mopey pantywaist presented for us here. Despite constant lip service to him being the Prince of Darkness, all the ''creatures'' of Darkness are trying to kill him as well. Dracula does not tussle with the groundlings, like a terrier at the bear baiting; Dracula does not do mandatory stealth sections; Dracula does not ''fetch quest''! Dracula is the guy at the far end of an army of minions, slouched on a throne, tossing expensive wine glasses aside 'cause he couldn't give two licks of a used ''tampon'' for whoever has to shampoo the carpet!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8912-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow-2-It-Sucks-Ha]

=== [[w:Dark Souls 2|Dark Souls 2]] ===
* Full disclosure: I've not finished the game yet, because I've only been playing for about a 30-hour stretch at time of writing, or – as it's known in the ''Dark Souls'' community – a sample. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8945-Dark-Souls-2-Prepare-to-Die-Again]

===[[w:Titanfall|Titanfall]]===
* Well, this may surprise you, but I've been making more of an effort to do the multiplayer thing lately, partly for therapeutic reasons.  ''[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]'' helped; that game feels like it's trying to wean you on to social interaction.  First you find someone's note advising you to be wary of fatty, then you hire stalwart fellows to help you out with the boss fight (none of whom have headset mics so close to their mouths that you feel like their every utterance is trying to beat your ears to death with racial epithets).  The turning point came when I was invaded, but the attacker bowed upon seeing me, a gesture of recognition to mark a duel between equals.  &quot;You know what?&quot; I thought, &quot;Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of people all the time.&quot;  So while he was bowing, I ran up and stuck my halberd up his ass.  '''&quot;MAYBE IT'S ''PEOPLE'' WHO NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ''ME!!''&quot;'''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8980-Titanfall-Its-Got-Big-Stompy-Robots]

=== [[w:FTL:_Faster_Than_Light|FTL: Faster Than Light]] ===
* It is interesting that the rebels are the bad guys for once.  'Cause, you know, the government might be oppressing your freedoms and shit, but they also run sewer systems and post offices, and things won't get better just because they've been overthrown, although there might be more poo lying around.

===Child of Day-Light ([[w:Daylight (video game)|Daylight]] and [[w:Child_of_Light|Child of Light]])===
* And look, that whole twist where the main character has a secret history with the horror? That only works if they ''have'' a character, besides a disembodied voice occasionally going, &quot;Is anybody there?&quot; or squeaking like a rusty hinge! We need to have made some assumptions about them before you can start subverting our assumptions! All I had to go on is that I'm a squeaky lady in a haunted house! So I turned to my brain and asked, &quot;Why are we in this haunted house?&quot; and my brain goes: &quot;Well, presumably because we've got a secret history with the place.&quot; &quot;''Brain!'' Fucking spoiler warning!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9187-Child-of-Day-Light-Horror-and-Whimsy]

=== [[w:The_Amazing_Spider-Man_2_(2014_video_game)|The Amazing Spider-Man 2]] ===
* It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favourite nancy boys prancing about in leotards. And lest we think Sony's generosity ends with ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Film, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without being reminded of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' if you don't want to. You can wake up in the morning and go from ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Toothbrush to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Happy Meal to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Nitrogen Asphyxiation Chamber. There's just one tiny little stumbling block in the whole system and that's the fact ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' is absolute wank, by most accounts. But I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly speaking ''need'' all those schools, do they? In all honesty, I haven't seen the film, but that's good. That means however absolute the wank situation, it can't possibly taint my view of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game. So here goes... ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game is absolute wank. D'oh! Better luck next time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9231-The-Amazing-Spider-Man-2]

=== [[w:Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure|Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure]] ===
* ''Tesla Effect'' is a brand new, successfully Kickstarted Tex Murphy adventure, boldly bringing its signature FMV style to an age of HD. Although it does mean that a little lighthearted, niche adventure game ends up clocking up ''12 sodding gigabytes of space''. But what else besides HD video could do justice to every line that Chris Jones' face has acquired since he last played Tex Murphy in 1998? Sorry, that was needlessly cruel. We can't help how we age, nor, indeed, can game mechanics. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9272-Tesla-Effect-A-Tex-Murphy-Adventure]

=== [[w:Wolfenstein: The New Order|Wolfenstein: The New Order]] ===
* One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. &quot;Hey, this guy's a Nazi; would you like to drown him in his own piss?&quot; the game might ask. &quot;Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss,&quot; we might reply. But despite that, ''New Order'' puts the effort into making hating Nazis feel fresh again. One of the first things we do is watch a soldier shoot a room full of hospital patients before we stab him right up the lebensraum, and the principal villains only need to smile and play card games to become infinitely hateable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9301-Wolfenstein-The-New-Order]

=== [[w:Murdered: Soul Suspect|Murdered: Soul Suspect]] ===
* ...The story is competent as murder mystery goes: You're wrong-footed by obvious suspects; events recontextualize as the facts unfold; and some people get murdered in it, which I always think is crucial to the genre. And the supernatural elements throw a few curve balls, but at least remain internally consistent, unlike the fact that a man who wears a fedora and vest somehow managed to convince someone to marry him without choking on their own vomit during the vows. ''[An imp holds up a publicity photo of Yahtzee, which depicts him wearing a fedora and a vest]'' ... Well I never said I ''wasn't'' a hypocrite! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9469-Murdered-Soul-Suspect]

=== [[w:Tomodachi Life|Tomodachi Life]] ===
* If a game like, say ''[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]'', wants to have a relationship system but slap the player's knuckles whenever they reach for the sausage-platter, then fair enough. Even in branching fiction, the creator is entitled to declare some things to be out of character. ''Tomodachi Life'', meanwhile, encourages you to populate it with the Miis of real-life friends and family, and to disallow same-sex relationships in it is to tacitly deny that they exist in reality. Or at least to assume that no gay person or friend of a gay person could possibly be playing it, 'cause they're all off playing their special gay games for gay people that come in pink boxes adorned with chest-hair.
* Let's not dismiss the relationship system, for it is one of the few ways we are granted agency. When someone wants to make a friend or take a friendship to the next level, they must request your approval, like you're the stern, overseeing patriarch of a [[w:Jonestown|Jonestown]]-style death-cult. Maybe you'll want to seize the opportunity to finally enforce your will and make your community completely racially segregated to appease Lady Hitler. But personally, I just allowed whatever, except when a love triangle arose between two strapping, young fellows and an obese, elderly woman, which I swiftly put a stop to. I'd given these character enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turning them into granny-fiddlers, too. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9506-Tomodachi-Life-Nintendo-Life-Simulator]

=== [[w:Shovel_Knight|Shovel Knight]] ===
* If genealogy is your thing, ''Shovel Knight'' lies at the bottom of a family tree more rampantly incestuous than the fucking [[w:Song of Ice and Fire|Lannisters]], combining DNA from ''[[w:Super_Mario_Bros._3|Super Mario 3]]'', ''[[w:Zelda_II:_The_Adventure_of_Link|Zelda 2]]'', ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'', ''[[w:DuckTales|DuckTales]]'', and a big, eager, sticky mouthful of ''[[w:Mega_Man_(video_game)|Mega Man]]''. It's like the fucking Captain Planet of NES games: &quot;By your powers combined, I will now bleep like someone doing squeaky farts in a tin elevator.&quot;
* Five minutes ago, a bloke the size of a pregnant bus jumped down and hit me with a metal windsurfing sail that he seems to think is a sword, and that didn't even take off a whole health point. Now I'm being splattered across four dimensions 'cause my elbow brushed against the stucco ceiling. I'm a [[w:Trifle|trifle]] miffed! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9549-Shovel-Knight-Good-NES-Nostalgia]

=== [[w:Mother_(video_game)|Earthbound]] ===
* It's a quirky game above all else. You name your character - standard JRPG practice - but you also have to name his favourite food that appears in dialogue a whole bunch. And if your first instinct is not to enter something along the lines of &quot;cock&quot; then you simply do not possess a soul. You use baseball bats and frying pans as weapons and fight animated STOP signs and hippies, so the 'quirky random humour' thing runs along the surface like baked beans sliding down a clown's face. But there's a dark surrealism running under it as well, as indicated by a soundtrack that alternates between fun, jaunty melodies and weird electronic ambiènce, like someone left a theremin in [[w:Silence of the Lambs|Buffalo Bill's]] house. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9570-EarthBound-Not-Your-Typical-JRPG]

=== [[w:Transistor_(video_game)|Transistor]] ===
* When I said the game is, &quot;hack and slash,&quot; it might be better described as, &lt;CODE&gt;10 HACK; 20 SLASH; 30 GOTO 10&lt;/CODE&gt;.  You're given numerous &quot;functions&quot; that can either be assigned to a button as an attack, or assigned to an already-assigned attack as a modifier, or assigned to a passive slot as a buff.  That probably needs clarifying, so let's say you have a function called &lt;CODE&gt;Tits&lt;/CODE&gt; (bracket, close brackets), assign it to the X button, and pressing that button will launch a pair of big sweaty baps that will smash a single enemy's head around like a chickpea in a ball pit.  Or: You can assign &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank&lt;/CODE&gt; (brackets, close brackets) to the X button and then ''modify'' it with &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt;, so that an enemy hit by &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank()&lt;/CODE&gt; will suffer the additional effect of soapy tit wank.  ''OR:'' Assign &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt; to the passive buff slot to give your character higher defense against incoming mammary-based damage.  And like a big lovely pair of sweaty baps, this also took me a while to get my head around. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9603-Transistor-Like-Bastion-But]

=== [[w:E.T._the_Extra-Terrestrial_(video_game)|E.T.]] ===
* [[w:Atari|Atari]] were of a mind that giving game designers credit for the games made about as much sense as crediting the office carpet or venetian blinds, and a bunch of designers disagreed and split off to form [[w:Activision|Activision]]. Essentially, this blew the starting whistle for 3rd-party development, flooding the market with badly-made, derivative garbage by inexperienced companies. The enormous letdown of such a hugely anticipated game as E.T. merely caused the scales to fall from the eyes of the buying public: &quot;Hey! All these overpriced, bleep-y games with pixels the size of Post-It notes are actually kinda ''shit''!&quot; Yeah, seems obvious to us, but cut them some slack. It was the '80s; they still thought [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] was good. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9625-E-T-The-Worst-Game-Ever]

=== [[w: Firefall_(video_game)|Firefall]] ===
* Firefall has a plot. And frankly, after a bunch of hours playing, that's all I'm prepared to state with certainty. From what I remember, Earth's fucked. A dice was rolled on the usual &quot;Fuck the Earth&quot; table and on this occasion it landed on, &quot;Big Asteroid.&quot; But wait! Firefall plays its &quot;Roll Again&quot; card with a +1 modifier and the Earth gets fucked a second time when the dice lands on, &quot;Misuse of Miracle Element.&quot; Slow down, intro cinematic; I'm still mentally digesting the first round of fucking! Thankfully, neither fucking is the kind that means we don't get to fly cool spaceships or wear glowing armor, so we boldly step into this bleak arena now the backstory's been hurled at us like a fucking custard pie. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9645-Firefall-Free-To-Play-MMO-Review]

=== [[w:Sacred 3|Sacred 3]] ===
* You know, what pisses me off is that all the things I'm good at are things that everyone assumes they could do if they tried. Playing the bassoon or fluffing a walrus people respect, 'cause there's a specialist skill goes into those, but writing? &quot;Pah! I learnt that in school! Fucking aced it! They made me start doing it all in joined-up letters just to give everyone else a chance! And that, Mr. Croshaw, is why I felt my background in production made me qualified to rewrite all the story copy you did for us to be more like a recent popular film.&quot; &quot;Well, you know what I say to that, Mr. Producer? Fifty dollars an hour, please.&quot; Blimey, I wonder how people with integrity get through life? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9664-Sacred-3-Hack-and-Slash-Review]

=== [[w:Risen 3: Titan Lords‎|Risen 3: Titan Lords‎]] ===
* ''Risen'' may have more skills than the size of its world can support, distributing them rather unevenly among a dense population of same-y NPCs. And the necessity of having to converse with every single one of the dreary fuckwits to determine the quests they can give and the skills they can teach gives ''Risen'' a little bit too much trough and not enough peak. It's all rather monotone — converse with one white dude with brown hair and a regional British accent, conversed with them all. Even the first three recruitable crew members are all white dudes with brown hair and regional British accents. I'm not asking for the ''Mass Effect'' thing, where they're all different species: one human, one goblin, one pistol shrimp.  Nor am I asking for achingly politically correct diversity until it resembles fucking ''[[w:Sesame_Street|Sesame Street]]''. Just more ways to tell the fuckers apart would be nice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9684-Risen-3-Titan-Lords-Pirate-RPG-Review]

===[[w:Daikatana‎|Daikatana‎]]===
* I was slightly surprised to find ''Daikatana'' available on Steam, but even more so by the feature list: &quot;25 glorious weapons to collect and utilize&quot;, &quot;Two highly-trained sidekicks to watch your back.&quot; I'd have said it was being sarcastic if I thought publishers had any self-awareness at all. But, realistically, everyone knows that its infamous reputation is the only reason this game is on Steam, and the blurb should have read, &quot;Roll up, roll up, everyone! Come and see the freak!&quot;
* As negative press grew and grew concerning [[w:Daikatana#Development|nepotism and mass resignations]], and [http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/25/11128-romero_ad.jpg|full-page magazine ads] informed a restless gaming public that they were John Romero's cellmate and he'd claimed the top bunk (as it were), outright hostility was brewing. At this point, the universe takes two paths: One in which Romero spearheads a bold artistic movement in game design as a misunderstood genius, burdened with the egotism that often strikes the auteur; or Romero is forever lambasted as a boob, so massive that even the most determined baby would struggle to get its gob around it. And which universe we ended up with hinged on one thing: ''Daikatana'' not being a pile of execrable garbage. Better luck next time, universe. 
* Today's faceless triple-A industry rarely indulges auteurism, as throwing babies out with bathwater is now so routine to big business that the babies [[w:Independent video game development|have formed their own society in the outflow pipe]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9699-Daikatana-John-Romeros-B]

=== [[w:Lichdom: Battlemage|Lichdom: Battlemage]] ===
* Oh, for fuck's sake! Why didn't they just call it, &quot;Battlemage?&quot; That's a really fucking good title -- punchy, memorable, gets the point across. I'd call my dog, &quot;Battlemage!&quot;  Fuck it; I'd call my kid &quot;Battlemage&quot; (the playground beatings would be very character building)! Best of all, you feel like you can say it in conversation without having to prize the words through your teeth, like a stubborn [[w:Werther's Original|Werther's Original]].
* I'm so sick of the endless colon-ization of new games that feel like they're too special to make do with one title! It's so mind-bogglingly self-important it makes me want to spit! So from now on, I'm going to pronounce colons as dry-heaves. Did you hear that, Beyond (HRUUH) Two Souls? Murdered (HRUUH) Soul Suspect?
* Are we to take it that Lichdom (HRUUH) Battlemage is merely the first installment of an ongoing Lichdom series, not necessarily about battlemagery? Should we look forward to &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Dishwasher,&quot; and &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Tax Accountant?&quot; No, of course we fucking shouldn't, because it's a game about battlemaging and essentially nothing else! I'm pretty sure there aren't even liches in it! 
* Our story starts with a literal moustache-twirling villain walking into your house, weeing on your carpet and licking all the doorknobs, and then walking out while everyone laughs at your stupid, sad face. Whereupon a mysterious man in a hood grants you the power to shoot fire out of your hands and tells you to go nuts. I suppose if you're making a fantasy game, there is no fantasy like power fantasy. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9714-Lichdom-Battlemage-Review]

=== [[w:The Sims 4|The Sims 4]] ===
* So presumably, you know what ''The Sims'' is by this point: It's the best possible argument against the existence of a benevolent interventionist god, in which you direct small groups of dollhouse residents until they cease to amuse, then burn their lives to the ground and laugh at their betrayed tears. But before you start assembling your psychotic single white female-esque campaign of torment, do bear in mind that there isn't any swimming in ''Sims 4''. So you can no longer lure them into the pool and delete the ladder, which was so iconic to the series, they might as well have removed the green diamond thing.
* What ''The Sims'' is is a consumerist middle class fantasy about walling yourself off from the real world and reducing all measurement of human development and personal success to one's possessions -- your dragon's hoard of crass, suburban decadence. And in that game of Top Trumps, the swimming pool is a kingly crown. It's always the first thing on my progress list when I play ''The Sims'', after a second toilet and a TV bigger than my left bumcheek.
* I suppose it might be shallow to pick apart every individual detail that has been cut down, and a broader perspective might appreciate the formula being streamlined a bit. But on the other hand, it's the fucking Sims! It's the poster boy for shallowness. It's about smooth-skinned Stepford Wives competing to have the nicest wallpaper, as they willfully ignore the emaciated children sucking on a rat's armpit for nourishment, somewhere outside the pastel walls of their gated community. And to start removing the flatscreen tellies and power showers of gameplay features shows more blatant misunderstanding of its audience than the Black-And-White Minstrels tour of the South African prison system. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9738-The-Sims-4-Review]

=== [[w:The Evil Within|The Evil Within]] ===
* It plays like somebody said, &quot;Hey, make a horror game!&quot; And somebody else said, &quot;Okay, what about?&quot; &quot;I've just told you, about horror.&quot; &quot;No, I mean, what happens in it? What's the context? What are the major themes you want to work with?&quot; &quot;Horror, horror, and horror! Jesus Christ, just do it! Why are you so difficult to work with?&quot; And so the result is this undisciplined mishmash of horror set pieces and imagery barely justified by a toilet-tissue-flimsy plot, populated entirely by stock characters. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9840-The-Evil-Within-As-Bad-as-Bad-Horror-Games-Can-Get]

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare|Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare]] ===
* CODAW starts off on the right foot when we're introduced to our hero taking off his helmet to reveal that he's a white dude with awful facial hair. We then turn to his best friend who takes off his helmet to reveal that he's the exact same, identical white dude with awful facial hair. Then they start talking about their dads because it's always dads, isn't it? There are no mothers in Call of Duty's world. Soldiers are birthed fully formed from the tail pipes of their father's restored Cadillacs.
* Our friend, who's identical to ourselves, dies in a very heroic and insecure way, and at the funeral, we are introduced to his father, Kevin Spacey, who is the only white guy in the plot who doesn't have atrocious facial hair which I suppose means that he's the baddie. I'd spoiler that since he doesn't properly villain it up until a ways in the game, but come on! It's Kevin Spacey; of course he's the villain. He's got two faces: smart arsed and recently punched for being a smart arse.
* Kevin Spacey essentially becomes a G.I. Joe villain. The usual anomalously well-organized terrorist strike cripples most of the world, so Kevin Spacey rolls in, takes the credit for ending terrorism, and becomes the most powerful corporation on Earth. And then, having essentially conquered the world with money and minimal force, Kevin Spacey decides his next course of action will be to invade the United States. Yeah, this is where I sort of lose his train of logic. I mean, he practically runs the world already at that point; but I guess conquest just doesn't feel like conquest 'till you've stuck a flag in someone else's shit. And he openly announces his intentions to take over the world in a speech at the ''United Nations'', after which the world turns against him and I want to know what the fuck he was expecting would happen after he stopped talking - pyjama party? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9907-Call-of-Duty-Advanced-Warfare-G-I-Joe-Villain-Kevin-Spacey]

=== [[w:Far Cry 4|Far Cry 4]] ===
* Where Brody became a killing machine out of desperate survival need and enough drugs to occupy Amy Winehouse for one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ghale only does it essentially because somebody told him to and he didn't want to make a fuss. He's just a dope who does nothing but agree with the last thing he heard. And everyone around him seems to realize it, you can tell from the way characters give him mission briefings. Every single time they make some token instructing noises, give him a little encouraging smack on the bum and close the door in his face and go back to the TV. Ajay's story eventually leads to his parent's dark secret that explains why the villain has an interest in him. But since Ajay reacts to the revelation like a St. Bernard being told he can't have another biscuit, my first thought was &quot;Any chance we could play as your parents instead? They sound more interesting than you.&quot;
* The main plot thread concerns the resistance being torn between two leaders, one old-fashioned and moralistic, and the other extreme but pragmatic, and you have to decide which one to support. They both have good points, it was a somewhat interesting dilemma and I put quite a bit of thought into my decisions. But what I wanted was some sodding payoff. And at the end of it all, you install you preferred dictator and they go &quot;Cheers, for that&quot;, smack on the bum, close door in face. This must be what it's like to be the American secretary of state. And then you trudge up main villain's house and they're all like &quot;Don't look at me, my ending's completely anticlimactic as well.&quot;  
* Riding elephants is one of those things I didn't realize I wanted until I had it. It's just fun to stampede into a ring of soldiers or, indeed, wolves and go &quot;What's up motherfuckers? The elephant in the room is that you're all fucking dead.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9930-Far-Cry-4-F-k-Eagles]

=== [[w:Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric|Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric]] ===
* The plot opens with Sonic et al., running fast and fighting Dr. Eggrobotmannik. Blimey, that's a bold stride in a new direction! No wonder we needed a fucking reboot! In short order, Sonic frees an evil snake monster from the past who claims that it was Sonic himself who imprisoned him a thousand years ago. And so the plot starts making time travel noises as Sonic is transported back to do the thing he already did. You might reasonably think at this point that we're setting up a ''Zelda''-esque mechanic wherein we hop back and forth between two different time periods throughout the game, and you'd be all wrong and a bag of chips! We go back in time, imprison the poor bastard, and come straight back. It's never brought up again and we're not even a quarter of the way through the game!
* No, I know what it is. It's an endurance test. You see how much of the dialogue you can listen to before you slice you own ears off with a paper guillotine. Or perhaps just turn the volume down, you spaz. &quot;Getting sniffy about random quips not meeting your comedy standards again, are we Yahtzee?&quot; (Referring to [[Sunset Overdrive]]) I would be if they were quips. They seem more like matter-of-fact running commentary. &quot;Bounce pad!&quot; announces Sonic as he touches a bounce pad. &quot;It's bounce pad time!&quot; he adds. &quot;I'm bouncing off something with pad-like characteristics!&quot; he clarifies. And when it's not that, it's the game weakly attempting to praise itself. &quot;This is amsoewe[sic]!&quot; cries a sprinting character as they face-plant into another rock. &quot;This place looks amazing!&quot; they say, taking in the boxy buildings worthy of a pre-analogue sticks PS1 game. But saying something isn't enough to make it true, unless you say something like, &quot;Sega are attracting derision, the massive wankers!&quot; And when the dialoge isn't awful quips or self-aggrandizement, it's just treating the player like an absolute cretin. (As Sonic Boom) &quot;That wall looks breakable. I noticed you haven't broken it in the 2.7 seconds since I last mentioned that. That's cool. I'll check again in 2.8 seconds.&quot; What makes you think I'm this stupid, Sonic Boom? &quot;You bought me.&quot; Touché. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9953-Sonic-Boom-Boom-or-Bust]

=== [[w:Talos Principle|Talos Principle]] ===
* You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of [[w:The Prisoner|The Prisoner]].
* There are also a few obscure object mechanics that the game doesn't explain properly, but bases puzzles around regardless.  It's possible, for example, to put the boxes on top of the roving proximity mines.  It's not fair if you don't make all the rules clear.  If I'm stuck in a puzzle game, I prefer it to be because I'm a big thicky-bobo who can't figure out where all the pieces go, not because one of the pieces was still in the box.  Forgive me if it didn't occur to me to go near the bleeping explode-y death-ball and repurpose it as a dessert trolley.
* [post-credits] Random documents and audio logs / We find them stuck to notice boards, we find them under dogs / We're gonna put them in a file and give it a review / And we're bored of all the gameplay, but we've nothing else to do.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9981-The-Talos-Principle]

=== [[w:Dying Light|Dying Light]] ===
* This ostensibly new IP plays a lot like ''Dead Island'', I thought, before noticing that it comes to us from [[w:Techland|the same developer]] as ''Dead Island'', which confused me for a bit 'cause I assumed they were working on ''Dead Island 2'', currently represented by a pre-rendered trailer that, as always, tells us as much about the game as it does about freshwater fly fishing.  But apparently that's being developed by Yager, creators of ''Spec Ops: The Line'', a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and violence while getting a lovely suntan.  But I digress.  ''Dying Light'' is a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and OH, GOD, EVERYTHING'S SPIRALIING IN ON ITSELF!  WHAT ARE THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME?  ''JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MY OWN BUTTOCKS!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10030-Dying-Light-Yay-More-Zombies]

=== [[w:The Order: 1886|The Order: 1886]] ===
* In fact, ''The Order'' seems to be making eye-contact with ''Ryse: Son of Rome'', as they both stare forlornly out through the fences of their respective death-camps. They are the stuff of the &quot;spunkgargleweewee&quot;-modern-shooter behind the thin disguise of an alternative setting; a &quot;funkmarbleteehee&quot; if you will. In fact, the moment that crossed my mind, I realized that the plot of ''The Order'' is point-for-point identical to the plot of ''Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare'': We are &quot;Sir Galahad&quot;; a veteran, loyal member of the Order with the face of Al Swearengen from ''Deadwood'' and the vocabulary of a shaved bear, pledged to defend the land from evil terrorists -- I mean, werewolves -- but then finds himself having to fight off a civilian resistance, and in situations like this, you can put money down ''right fucking now'' on his high-tech, authoritarian big-boys club proving corrupt and him switching sides to a resistance movement surprisingly accepting of a dude who murdered two-hundred of their mates that morning.
* In the run-up to release, I'd gotten the idea that ''The Odor: 1886'' was a four-player co-op shooter -- going again by the teaser and the four characters on the box-art, arranged with equal prominence. I wonder if that might once have been the intention because, of the three characters on the box besides Galahad, none of them are still participating in the plot by the final level, as if in the original first draft they were supposed to have been tagging along with you. Although having said that, the main villain is also no longer participating in the plot at the end.  To go back to the ''Advanced Warfare'' comparison: It's like if Kevin Spacey just flat out hadn't appeared in the final mission and the final boss fight was instead with Kevin Spacey's pet Staffordshire Terrier, with Kevin Spacey mockingly saluting from a hang-gilder with 'Sequel Hook' written on it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10051-The-Order-1886-Steampunk-Modern-Warfare]

=== [[w:Battlefield Hardline|Battlefield Hardline]] ===
* As for the actual plot, well, why don't you fill in the blanks yourself? You're a cop on the ''blank'', you get ''blanked'' for a ''blank'' you didn't commit, and now you're out for ''blank'' and to clear your ''blank''. The new modern shooter is officially the old detective thriller with gradual shift to heist movie in the second half. What confuses me, though, is that, even after you've been wrongly accused and are on the run, you can still arrest people. In fact, when the evil private cops show up to arrest you, you can arrest them back! What organisation is going to come around and pick those guys up?! The criminal police from Opposite Land who give talks to high-school kids on how drugs are really great and everyone should take them? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10086-Battlefield-Hardline-Cops-Robbers]

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat X|Mortal Kombat X]] ===
* I'm surprised by how many original characters are introduced in ''MKX''.  There's even a ''gay'' one, apparently, and it's not the one dressed as a cowboy (which I call [[W:Brokeback Mountain|a fucking missed opportunity]]). &quot;Original&quot; might be a poor choice of words, actually; one of the new characters is blatantly Master Blaster from [[w:Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome|Mad Max 3]], and most of the rest are the younger offspring, cousins, and catamite love slaves of the returning old farts. I remember saying about [[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|MK9]] that it was written like a subpar superhero comic trying to earn a tax rebate on red ink, and that comparison's only getting stronger now that everyone's got a fucking teenage sidekick! The trademark extreme violence feels rather incongruous combined with this whole [[w:Muppet Babies|Muppet Babies]] concept: You can play the story campaign and watch Johnny Cage complain to his ex-wife, Sonya Blade, that she never makes time for their daughter any more, and then you can go into one of the non-story modes and watch Johnny Cage snap his daughter in half lengthways like a giant Kit Kat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10112-Mortal-Kombat-X-Test-Your-Might]

=== [[w:The_Witcher_3:_Wild_Hunt|The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt]] ===
* And now your regularly scheduled reminder that the new consoles are shit:  The new consoles are shit.  Thank you.
* Meanwhile, the game watched uncomfortably from the sidelines occasionally shouting, &quot;Hey, there's all these fancy oils you could be using to get this done about point-four percent more efficiently.  Maybe you could craft some from the entire Hanging Gardens of Babylon's worth of random herbs and flowers you've got stuffed down your trousers?&quot;  &quot;Got any upgrades for the basic healing potion?&quot; I shout back.  &quot;Not presently, no,&quot; replies the game.  &quot;Then I'll stick with mashing quick-attack if it's all the same to you.&quot;  &quot;Well, if that's your attitude, your sword just broke again, haa-haa-haa.&quot;  Oh, bloody hell.  Rivery Gerald's oaths of fidelity last longer than his fuckin' swords.  I think they just stuck a hilt on an unusually long Pringle.
* ...I did engage with the characters, and felt sad when my choices led to their deaths -- although it's pretty fucking hard to predict where some axes will fall.  One particularly nuanced character died as an eventual consequence of me turning an evil tree into a horse.  ''Well, '''now''' it sounds obvious!''  [http://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10161-The-Witcher-3-Wild-Hunt-Review]

=== [[w:Splatoon|Splatoon]] ===
*So what other online content is there? ''&quot;Other online content?&quot;'' said Splatoon, bemused. ''&quot;We've got a whole two maps!  You can wear different shirts that no one besides you will ever notice or care about! What more you do want?&quot;'' Two maps?! ''&quot;No, of course not just two maps! We wouldn't be much of a multiplayer-focused game with only two maps, would we? We've actually got five maps, thank you very much. But we artifically restrict you to two and change them every few hours.&quot;''  Okay.  Why? ''&quot;What's with all the fucking questions?! You see anyone else complaining?&quot;'' said Splatoon, pointing to the many player avatars standing around the lobby like ''Village of the Damned'' with Miiverse posts floating over their head saying things like: [in a droning monotone] &quot;This is the best game ever,&quot; and, &quot;Hooray for Splatoon,&quot; and, &quot;My connection died again. Whoops, I mean: I love Nintendo,&quot; and, &quot;Thanks to Nintendo and to local gaming retailer for bringing me this great game.&quot; That was a real message I actually saw. How many checks do you think that guy is cashing? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10168-Splatoon-Ink-Pun]

=== [[w:Hatred (video game)|Hatred]] ===
* We live in an age where mass communication has counterintuitively turned all attempts at verbal debate into a basketball game where the teams are on different courts, and stand around a basket racking up meaningless points and throwing shit over the dividing wall. The only way an individual can safely express their politics these days is to anonymously spend money. Hence why homophobic pizza joints can mysteriously accrue a million dollars in donations. ''Hatred'' exists merely as a maypole for those wishing to defy the cultural nannies who want to tell them they can't have it until they learn to wipe their bottoms properly. [https://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10177-Hatred-Review]

=== E3 2015 ===
* VR tech may finally be making its move. The claim that motion controls would enhance immersion was always about as believable as the claim that a sledgehammer can enhance a Fabergé egg, but I genuinely believe that VR represents the way forward for immersive gaming [...]  But of course, Oculus already did its pre-E3 announcement that it was jumping into bed with Microsoft. ''Yowser!'' Could have broken that more gently, Oculus! You don't come out to your parents in a Christmas card. An Xbox One controller will ship with it, like a rich snot buying his way into the popular kids' club; and you can stream Xbox One games onto to it. There was a video of someone playing a third-person game on a screen in a virtual living room, which I'm guessing is their entry for the Piers-Morgan-for-President Total Pointlessness Award. And also, there's going to be a special two-handed controller that incorporates- '''No!''' That incorporates motion-se- '''Oh, GOD no!''' That incorporates motion-sensor tec- '''No no no! We were SO CLOSE! We were almost FREE!''' Why must we forever carry our failures around with us like a scrotum full of horseshoes!? ''Oh, you can pick up a virtual gun with your actual hand and fire it.'' 'Cause that's what I want added to the process of shooting an enemy, isn't it?! My noodly wrist groping for something that isn't there, like a castrated wanker! Hey, Captain Scott! How about we make sure we can actually get to the South Pole before we start making plans to erect the Statue of Liberty there?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10185-E3-2015-Hype-Train-Is-Back]

=== [[w:Batman: Arkham Knight|Batman: Arkham Knight]] ===
* The problem with super-hero movies is that they only have three plots: Villain endangers hero's loved one; hero faces villain who is dark reflection of themselves, villain threatens to cover a city in gas that will make everyone as petty as they are. ''Arkham Knight'' goes through all three, multiple times, with varying degrees of disconnect and all messily layering over each other like an orgy in a poorly-made lasagna. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10204-Batman-Arkham-Knight-Being-Rich-Is-a-Super-Power]

=== [[w:Everybody's Gone To The Rapture|Everybody's Gone To The Rapture]] ===
* I suppose my first major problem with the story is that I assumed I was crawling through the village on my overloaded mobility scooter to discover the nature of the mysterious event that happened to it. It's rather swiftly established that everyone got disappeared by space magic; but after completing the game, I still didn't have any explanation better than, &quot;Everyone got disappeared by space magic.&quot;  Which raised the obvious question of what the hell we ''have'' been learning for the last three hours! Well, we know that scientist-guy is a complete douche-balloon because his mom is the Lord High Empress of The Busybody Cattlecunts, and we witnessed a bunch of other interpersonal conflicts that all ended rather anti-climatically when — you guessed it — everyone got disappeared by space magic. But you know what? ''Everybody Wants to Rule the World'' was never intended to be traditional story-telling: What with events playing out for us in essentially random order. So now — as well as being glued to the side of a gazelle — the book's being chewed up by the honey badger riding on the gazelle's back.
* Maybe, rather than a linear mystery to be unlocked by the end, I should see it as immersing myself in the larger world of the characters. The problem with that is: I don't ''like'' any of the characters and I'd sooner immerse myself in a vat of cold Marmite! I think I'm supposed to sympathise with the American scientist lady, because this is rural England and the locals read the words &quot;American scientist lady&quot; the same way they read the words &quot;Venusian ballerina crab&quot;. But she's hardly meeting them half-way; treating them like idiots and reacting hypersensitively to their blissful ignorance, like a cat that shares a litterbox with a hedgehog. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57425-Everybodys-Gone-To-The-Rapture]

=== [[w:Volume (video game)|Volume]] ===
* Between ''Volume'', ''V for Vendetta'' and ''Children of Men'', I'm noticing that the world of fiction finds it curiously easy to believe that a near-future Britain would become a fascist dictatorship. It's like all British people are sitting on the edges of their settees watching Countdown just waiting for the economy to dip a few more points so they can gleefully fling their teacups aside and start taking the truncheon to the underclasses. And speaking as a British person, this never rings true for me. Now, I admit I haven't been in Britain for nigh-on ten years now so maybe Carol Vorderman founded a neo-fascist revolutionary movement while I wasn't paying attention, but most of the British people I know, if you invited them to truncheon an underclass for the greater glory of the superior British race, most of them would reply with, &quot;Ooh, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was making a fuss&quot;, before apologizing for no reason. At the height of the Empire, maybe, but I just don't think there's anything the modern British care enough about to inspire violent dictatorships (except maybe football).

=== [[w:Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain|Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain]] ===
* ...Konami recently decided they're going to take everything they've built over the years as a game developer, arrange it nicely in front of them, and then pick up a big hammer and smash and smash and smash and smash and smash. &quot;Sorry we had to cancel Silent Hills, but we kind of lost our interest in it around the same time we lost our ''fucking miiiiiinds!'' Here, have a pachinko machine instead. We like pachinko machines, 'cause it's nice to have something around that has some fucking balls. Also, fuck off, Hideo Kojima; you're too reliably bankable for our liking. We'd much rather stick our feet up our arse and bounce down the stairs making burbling noises with our lips! Brblbblbblbb!&quot; Although Phantom Pain doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, 'cause Hideo Kojima's name is all over it, to a frankly quite psychotic degree. Christ knows why every individual mission has to have its own credit sequence unless Hideo's worried we've all got short-term memory loss. I know you're the director, Hideo; there's a mentally damaged woman over there with her tits hanging out, of course it's by you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57452-Metal-Gear-Solid-V-The-Phantom-Pain]

=== [[w:Until Dawn|Until Dawn]] ===
* I have a soft spot for the slasher movie. Not that they're ever anything above god-awful. I mean; calling ''Friday the 13th'' &quot;art&quot; is like calling a face full of crusted shit &quot;cosmetic surgery&quot;. But I like them because there's something very essentially cathartic about watching a bunch of complete twats get completely twatted. When the parade of out-of-work actors in their mid-to-late twenties pretending to be carefree teenagers with unfeasibly easy access to expensive holiday real estate seem to find no end of amusement in jumping out at each other ten million times across the first hour as the soundtrack shrieks like Sharon Stone just recrossed her legs in front of the violinists, Jason Voorhees is acting out the growing desires of the audience as he starts slitting them up like Christmas presents with good dentistry. ''Until Dawn'' is an interactive story of the David Cage school pushed through the filter of slasher movie, with the promise being that, if we make all the right decisions, perhaps we can keep all the out-of-work twenty-something actors alive. I don't think you were paying attention, ''Until Dawn!'' I will have made the right decisions if every single one of those gurgleburgs ends up upholstering the soft furnishings in Leatherface's man cave!
* [''Until Dawn''] also owes something to ''Silent Hill: Shattered Memories'', in that it tries to psychologically evaluate you to an extent, albeit with considerably less subtlety. At one point, a character brazenly asks, &quot;Say, which three of these things do you find scariest?&quot; And lo and behold; the three you pick will show up later! That seems like an easy system to game: &quot;No, really! I'm terrified of Magners Cider, Jaffa Cakes, and handjobs!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57495-Until-Dawn]

=== [[w:Soma (video game)|SOMA]] ===
* ''SOMA'' feels like a decent, melancholy sci-fi mystery story living next door to a sci-fi horror B movie whose dog keeps escaping and jumping in our swimming pool (what a little bastard), and you can really feel the game struggling to mesh the two, right up until the end when it blows a little raspberry and gives up trying. On the way to the final area, to conclude the Simon story, a new character literally appears from nowhere, pops his head around the door, and says: &quot;Sorry to interrupt, player, but before you tie up the main plot, could we borrow you for five minutes to tie up the shitty monster plot as well?&quot; So you follow him into a little room, press one button labeled, &quot;Resolve Shitty Monster Plot,&quot; and then get on with what you were doing. I'm only slightly exaggerating! So I suppose if Antoine de Saint-Exupéry were here, he'd ask, &quot;Would SOMA be improved if they took out the monster stealthing altogether and got by with exploration, puzzles, and environmental hazards? Also, didn't I die in 1944?&quot; Well, I'd say so, Antoine, but if they took out the scary monsters, what else are the streamers and Let's Players supposed to obnoxiously overreact to? &quot;''AAAHHH''! IT'S SO ''EXISTENTIAL''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93321-SOMA]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Syndicate|Assassin's Creed Syndicate]] ===
* I once described the ''Assassin's Creed'' series as a line graph and here's how it continues: From the point that ''Unity'' was at, draw a perfectly horizontal line. We've jumped 60 years and about 250 miles, but we haven't budged a fucking inch. I wouldn't say Syndicate is the worst Sassy Credo, but it might well be the laziest. Lazily written, certainly. We play as twins, Jacob and Evie Frye, one of them is brash and reckless and direct-combat-oriented, the other is smart and measured and more suited to stealth. I'll leave you to guess which one's the boy and which one's the girl, but here's a hint: Try to think like the laziest writer in the fucking universe.
* Remember how Leonardo was a major character in Screedo 2, and the friendship between him and Ezio was actually firmly established?  Well, the sideburns muscled that out, too, 'cause every meeting with a historical figure in ''Syndicate'' plays like something from a fucking kids' TV series:  &quot;Hello, I'm the famous Charles Dickens.&quot;  &quot;Hello, the famous Charles Dickens; we're stand-ins for the audience.&quot;  &quot;Hello, stand-ins.  I guess that means I can inexplicably enlist you to solve my problems.&quot;  &quot;What problems, the famous Charles Dickens?&quot;  &quot;It's all these random thugs stopping me from finishing the famous books I write.  If only there was someone around here who could brutally stab them all to death for me.&quot;
* Mind you, I said we haven't moved anywhere since ''Unity'', but at least ''Unity'' tried to play a bit with the idea of Assassins and Templars not being a totally uncomplicated good-versus-evil situation; whereas in ''Syndicate'', the best and only argument for opposing the main villain is: &quot;Fucking look at the guy! He's like someone drew a Snidely Whiplash moustache onto a picture of Joseph Goebbels!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106803-Assassins-Creed-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Halo 5: Guardians|Halo 5: Guardians]] ===
* Turns out Cortana's big dramatic death scene in the last game wasn't for realisies, but one could kinda predict that from the mere fact that there is a Halo 5 at all. It doesn't take a giant space-protractor to calculate that Master Chief and Cortana are the only marketable faces of the franchise; which is not even because they're good or interesting characters. It's only because Mr. Chuffy is the protagonist and Cortana flaps her big blue knockers about like a gelatin dessert on a merry-go-round. The funny thing is, even in-universe, everyone seems to realize that Mr. Chuffy and his little blue titty-monster are the only characters of any importance.  So when Mr. Chuffy reports having a weird dream about Cortana being alive and calling him to distant planet, not a single person so much as hazards the possibility that it was just a dream and maybe he'll forget all about if they buy him a new wank-doll for Christmas. No, they're all like, &quot;Ooh, this is serious! We better go to that planet, then!&quot;
* The action is split between the four Spartans trying to hunt down Mr. Chuffy and Mr. Chuffy himself, who also has three finger puppets with him for no better reason than because his bits needs to be four player co-op as well. Any potential that might have been here for some kind of tense or dramatic character interplay is lost by the fact that Halo continues to seem like it was written by a castrated slug. The crime for which Mr. Chuffy is being hunted is so completely fucking weak that the two parties can barley summon the effort to be cross at each other when they do meet. Two of them have a token punch-up about midway through that has more the air of two blind people trying to politely get past each other in a crowded restaurant. It might have helped if it had been playable! But Halo 5's attitude seems to be that nothing ruins an action sequence faster than players.
* The game opens with the four members of the B-Team having a huge spectacular punch-up in a war zone, at which point I went, &quot;HOLY, WOW! Look at that!  The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caladonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don't know fighting other people I don't know for reasons unexplained could be as interesting.&quot; After all, I know the backstory for that stain. It was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched ''Free Willy'' for the first time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106811-Halo-5-Guardians]

=== [[w:Fallout 4|Fallout 4]] ===
* Bethesda RPGs are always deeply explorative, but never immersive. They make for some great screenshots, but the moment it has to start living and animating, you find it full of blank-eyed computer programs who struggle to navigate a six-lane highway without a carelessly-placed dog turd making their path-finding bugger up, and who have a weird habit of mysteriously vanishing in front of doors, which the doors always find so surprising that they momentarily forget how doors are supposed to work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116433-Fallout-4]

=== [[w:Devil's Third|Devil's Third]] ===
* The quickest possible description for [''Devil's Third''] would be, &quot;Poor Man's ''Metal Gear Solid'',&quot; and I mean ''really'' poor; like the kind of ''Metal Gear Solid'' that was brewed from ketchup packets in a prison toilet. You know how Hideo Kojima's approach to including real world politics and history in his games is to read the first line of the Wikipedia page and then get bored and set a whale on fire? ''Devil's Third'' somehow does even less, and seems to have gotten its understanding of the world from what could be barked at it through the door-hatch as it was passed its morning bowl of gruel. How's this for -- let's charitably call it -- misguided: The main character is an inmate in Guantanamo Bay, which in this reality is an underground prison by way of ''Beyond Thunderdome'' populated exclusively by white, American Metallica enthusiasts.
* Anyway. I should probably tell you what genre of game ''Devil's Third'' is. Well, you can't pin it down as simply as that, as it drunkenly meanders between several different rooms of the Gameplay House like it just got in from a bender and can't remember where it left its kebab. It's a hack-n-slash, shooter, military, horror, character drama, bad fashion-sense simulator making the classic mistake that a bit of everything creates some kind of sumptuous buffet, when here in the real world one does not put cola cubes, live bait, and Mini Babybels in the same pick 'n' mix bag. Clearly, not enough of us gave our lives in the trenches of ''Ride to Hell: Retribution'' for everyone to learn that a brawler and a shooter don't get along in the same space. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116642-Devils-Third]

=== [[w:The Witness|The Witness]] &amp; [[w:Bombshell|Bombshell]] ===
* ''The Witness'' is a new game by Jonathan Blow.  Ironically, it sucks!  ''Mneh-eh-eh-eh-obnoxious-laugh!''
* &quot;Awww, the mean ol' puzzles hurt Yahtzee-Boo-Boo's fragile little gamey-brainy-wain. Perhaps you'd be more suited to the kind of puzzle where you only draw straight lines connecting a shotgun barrel to a foreign insurgent's left testicle.&quot; HEY! Twat-Finder General! I solved the puzzles. I just wasn't having ''fun'' doing so. I completed the whole island, turned on all the laser beams, opened up the mountain to what I suspect was the final climactic area, and then the game threw ''fifteen more'' line-drawing puzzles at my face, and, frankly, fuck that! &quot;Congratulations on getting through that bowl of dog food, player. Here's your reward: another helping of dog food.&quot;
* &quot;Hey, Yahtzee,&quot; said Steam towards the end of the week. &quot;Do you remember that announcement trailer you saw a while back for a game called ''Bombshell?''&quot;
: &quot;I do indeed! It was one of the ''worst trailers I've ever seen.'' I think they made it by gluing poser models together with cold spunk!&quot;
: &quot;Oh... well, the game's out now.&quot;
: &quot;Peachy-fucking-KEEN!&quot;
: [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116783-The-Witness-Bombshell-Review]

=== [[w:Gravity Rush|Gravity Rush]] ===
* I did hear the game was alright, but I wasn't gonna buy a fuckin' PS Vita to play it. That'd be like adopting an incontinent chimpanzee 'cause you fancy the lady who comes 'round to change his nappies. Thankfully, a remastered version of ''Gravity Rush'' came out last week for the PS 4, which I very much appreciate, because I'm sick of all this &quot;mad people&quot; privilege in modern society; they get all these exclusive games, they hog all the fun medications, and there seems to be a whole bunch of them running for president at the moment. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116793-Gravity-Rush-Review]

=== [[w:XCOM 2|XCOM 2]] ===
* Twenty years have passed since the last game, the Earth has come under the control of an oppressive alien regime fronted by a dorky human collaborator, and when the silent protagonist gets released from suspended animation the resistance can finally get started. Because no one was willing to get off their ass and defend themselves without the presence of this one gormless mute. But enough about the plot of ''Half-Life 2''; let's talk about ''XCOM 2'' instead. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116803-XCOM-2-Review]

=== [[w:Firewatch|Firewatch]] &amp; [[w:Layers of Fear|Layers of Fear]] ===
* As for ''Layers of Fear'', like ''[[w:P.T._(video_game)|P.T.]]'', it's not much more than a showcase of spooky set pieces. But ''P.T.'' never claimed to be a complete game! Makes me think of ''[[w:The_Evil_Within|Evil Within]]'': you try to make an entire game out of a delusional nightmare sequence, and it gets boring 'cause it never lets up, and the nightmare becomes the norm. Bid us to sit down and pull the chair away as we do so, but don't ''keep doing it''; do it once, then apologize, let us sit for a while, wait 'til we're calm, then throw spiders at our face and burn the house down! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116814-Firewatch-Layers-of-Fear]

=== [[w:Far Cry Primal|Far Cry Primal]] ===
* You're in the wrong place if you're looking for an engaging plot, or indeed ''any'' plot. You might think the shit I described so far constitutes a plot, but you’d be wrong. The killer sabertooth tiger that sparks off the adventure we kill later on as one of the big hunt missions without even much prominence. I ousted both the rival tribes, who, I'll just reiterate, we aren't given much reason to oppose except that they'd also quite like to survive the winter. But the game still didn't end! This is the game that Ubisoft's sandboxes have been tacitly threatening to turn into for quite some time now: One where all sense of structural progress is kept as vague as possible for want of turning the game into a platform for a series of disconnected events and repetitive challenges, I suspect because it's easier for the inevitable fucking DLC to slot into like a bloodstained erection. But you know what, I'm with you, Ubisoft. Who needs some uppity creative trying to dictate to me how to experience their creation? I mean, where did the creators of ''Breaking Bad'' get off telling me I should watch season one before season two?! Oh, because I quote &quot;won't understand what's going on?&quot; ''You don't know me!'' And who does this Shakespeare motherfucker think he is, putting the pages in numbered order?! I am the master of my domain, I choose to shuffle them all up and read the text from right to left! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116820-Far-Cry-Primal]

=== [[w:Stardew_Valley|Stardew Valley]] and [[w:Superhot|Superhot]] ===
* ''Stardew Valley'' is a retro-style farming simulator recently released on Steam that's somewhat reminiscent of ''Harvest Moon.''  Oh, sorry, I read that wrong.  ''Stardew Valley'' is ''Harvest Moon.''  It murdered ''Harvest Moon,'' stole ''Harvest Moon's'' skin, and befriended ''Harvest Moon's'' parents under the guise of consoling them in their hour of grief.
* The plot is, we play a big nerd sitting in front of a computer playing games (''Whoa, slow down, Superhot!  Give me a chance to get into character!''), who gets sent the hot new game by their online friend, and the barriers between game and reality start to break down as a mysterious force within the game begins to mess with you, in a rather weak-sauce and desperate manner.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha!  We're in control now!  You cannot escape!  Press ESCape and see what happens!&quot;  Could I just play the next combat mission, please?  ''&quot;Hit escape, you prick!&quot;''  All right, fine.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha! It didn't work!  As cat with mouse, I toy with thee!  Now I'm going to make you quit the game and restart it again!  What now, bitch!?&quot;  I dunno; maybe I'll get some work done.  ''&quot;Wait! Come back!!&quot;''

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's The Division|Tom Clancy's The Division]] ===
* Whenever a new Tom Clancy game comes out, I always have to double-check his Wikipedia page to make sure he's still dead. He's prolific for a corpse!
* We are a member of a secret government agency called &quot;The Division&quot;, that consists of agents secretly inserted throughout the general population for... no particular reason, now being activated to go into ruined Manhattan and jolly well sort it out! 'Cause it turns out, Wayne LaPierre was right all along: the only thing that can stop a bad roving pack of murderous thugs is a good roving pack of murderous thugs. So let me see if I've got this straight, the corpse of Tom Clancy: We're a member of the secret police under no official scrutiny or accountability, and our job is to go into an area of civil unrest and murder dissenting citizens without trial, and it's not set in Stalinist Russia? &quot;Now we can take these back to the people!&quot; said my earpiece friend after a supply recovering mission. Sorry, which people were those again? Presumably not the people in whose corpses I now stand knee-deep? Oh right, you meant the ''&quot;real&quot;'' people; the ones that bowed and scraped when the government assassination squad showed up. See, the premise would have worked perfectly well if we'd just been some random citizen doing our bit to take back the city, Charles Bronson style, baby! The only thing the secret police thing adds is to make us less relatable and give hard-ons to the paranoid authoritarian lot, who want to believe that the government will finally sort out those intimidating young people who stand around outside their house talking loudly.
* If you ask me, the overt RPG mechanics make the game even more frighteningly tone-deaf. I mean, there are moments when certain characters beam down from Planet Sensible and call out the whole &quot;unaccountable secret police&quot; thing, and the game does present it like he's making a valid point. But then the cutscene ends and we go straight back to &quot;Oh boy, time to fight some Level 20 disenfranchised citizens! Watch out for the elite enemies, they get more health from being ''extra'' disenfranchised!&quot; The tone's all over the place. One moment you find an audio log of someone using the mummified corpses of their children to get the campfire started, the next you're talking to one of those ''wacky'' section commanders who all have a single hilarious personality quirk, like they keep talking about their TV career or how they used to work at the zoo jerking off polar bears. It's a big fat indicator that the game had nine different writers who spent the whole dev cycle locked in different toilet cubicles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116838-The-Division]

=== [[w:Uncharted 4: A Thief's End|Uncharted 4: A Thief's End]] ===
* ''Uncharted 4'' is very decisively the final game in the series about exploring marvelous lost cities in many exotic international locations, while controlling an insufferable, murdering pillock whose dialogue is ten percent smug quips and ninety percent exertion noises. And ''Uncharted 4'' has concluded that the insufferable pillock is the part we're invested in. I feel this is making the same mistake as the new ''Tomb Raiders'', trying to focus on the protagonist of the adventure story rather than the adventuring part.  Claim to be invested in Laura Croft's character all you like, but you know you'd rather watch her outrunning an avalanche than talking earnestly about her commitment issues. I mean, strip the adventure out of ''Uncharted 4'' and it's just &quot;People With No Idea How to Communicate With Each Other: The Game&quot;! I know that's kinda the point when Nathan Drake creates a rift with his wife, by not telling her he is going on an adventure, but towards the end when they are together again and are having a big reconnecting scene, these people who've been married for years ''still can't fucking communicate!'' All they do is quip and talk into their shoes; it makes me fucking cringe! I want to step in, shove them aside, and do the dialogue myself with sock puppets. If you dropped a Shakespearian character into the ''Uncharted'' universe, they would stand out like a neon-pink Johnny in a cucumber patch: ''Come join me now/ ye gentles all/ and crouch behind/ yon chest-high wall!''
* You're out of luck if you're not interested in Nathan Drake as a person and would rather get on with the action and adventure part of the action adventure, cause before things kick off you've got two flashback chapters to get through and then a chapter in which Nathan Drake bums around the house being mildly frustrated. You know what though, I talk shit, but I was actually starting to like the bastard during that whole segment. I wanna see more of the boring, suburban life of the ex-douchebag adventurer; it's like Han Solo getting dropped into the middle of an Alan Bennett production.
* I can't get up [Uncharted 4]'s ass too much, 'cause I know this is the kind of game I miss when I'm having to play shit like ''The Division'' and other games that one should be very strongly advised not to play prior to operating heavy machinery. I couldn't call ''Uncharted'' &quot;boring&quot;, but it has now done all it can do, in which case: well done for ending it. And that's pretty conclusively ended, 'cause it's got the kind of epilogue you can't roll back from without a time machine or, more realistically, a particularly exorbitant check from Sony. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116877-Uncharted-4-A-Thiefs-End]

=== [[w:Mirror's Edge Catalyst|Mirror's Edge Catalyst]] ===
* The evil corporations are brewing an evil corporate scheme, and we can only hope that it's a scheme that can foiled by doing parkour at it. Yes, ''Mirror's Edge'' is a First Person Parkour-Em-Up, and the plot runs into the recurring issue that there are only so many situations that running somewhere very fast can assist with. The game's missions have many varied story reasons behind them, but in practical terms most of them are completed by running up to the right computer and mashing our hand on the screen. There's a memorable mission when Faith is working with the Resistance as they set out to kidnap some evil corporate type, a fairly significant development that drives most of what remains of the plot. But since at no point in the process of kidnapping someone does parkour become necessary, the whole thing takes place off-screen with Faith tasked to instead, open-quotes, &quot;clear the path&quot; by — you guessed it! — following a parkour path to a series of computers and mashing her hand on each screen. You get to listen to the kidnapping through your earpiece, as you gaze heavenwards and dream about what it would be like to be the main character of this story. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116892-Mirrors-Edge-Catalyst]

=== [[w:Inside_(video_game)|Inside]] and [[w:Shadow_of_the_Beast_(2016_video_game)|Shadow of The Beast]] ===
* ...For a moment this week, the spirit of [[w:Summer_of_Arcade|Summer of Arcade]] returned when the Xbone coughed up a spiritual successor to ''Limbo'', the depressed self-harming beach babe of the 2010 frolics.  So let's take a look inside...  Er, sorry, I meant to say:  Let's take a look '''at''' ''Inside''.  And that's going straight on to my list of game titles that are needlessly awkward to Google, alongside ''Fuse'' and ''Wet'' and ''Dead or Alive Xtreme 3'', which is very awkward to Google if your girlfriend ever looks at your search history.  ''Inside'' opens with a small child lost in a dark forest, and you are given the implied instruction to keep moving right until something tells you to stop.  Nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, of course, but one could be forgiven for thinking at first glance that Playdead Studios have merely slapped a sporty red top on to the protagonist of ''Limbo'' and left it at that.  It's an atmospheric puzzle/platformer of the child-lost-in-scary-world genre that remains even after all these years the fast track to indie acclaim.  You have a &quot;jump&quot; button, and a &quot;pull things&quot; button, and you will die like a ''Game of Thrones'' supporting actor demanding a salary increase.  But while the similarity to ''Limbo'' remains stark, things feel a little different when you start getting chased by dogs and scary men with flashlights, and we discover there's slightly more of a plot going on inside...  I mean '''in''' ''Ins...''  Oh, fuck it! I'm just going to call it &quot;Thatcher's Britain&quot; from now on, all right?
* ...So it's a perfectly sound idea to try the recipe again with maybe one less cup of diarrhea and one more cup of ''God of War''.  And so, in ''Shadow of The Beast'', we are the titular beast who resembles a purple dude wearing a Pokémon on his head.  We were created as a living weapon by an evil sorcerer, we break free of their control, and proceed to murder our way through the sorcerer's minions to take up our list of grievances with the big baddie.  So far, so good.  Or rather, so far so ''God.  Of War''.  Where the game tries to evoke the game that inspired it is in the combat, which is very much in the spirit of, &quot;Keep pressing the 'punch' button.&quot;  Enemies approach in single file from in front and back, and most of them can be instant-killed with one hit.  What's the word for this strange feeling inside me, this cozy feeling of warmth and familiarity, that makes me feel like I'm in precisely the place where I'm most comfortable?  Oh! I remember:  '''Hatred.'''  I '''hate''' this combat system.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116903-Inside-Shadow-of-the-Beast]

=== [[w:The Technomancer|The Technomancer]] ===
* Once the graduation's over, Zach starts work as a peace officer working with the evil ruling authority. So while I was at that point about as engaged as a dad chaperoning his daughter to a One Direction concert, I figured I was obliged to at least play as far as the bit where we get framed and the sinister authority turns against us, which anyone with the majority of their brain still inside their skull could see coming. Any game in which you start as a member of a sinister authority who interacts with poor people and suspiciously attractive revolutionaries will almost certainly contrive you to be no longer a member of the sinister authority before the second act, with the exception of modern warfare shooters, where you usually stay in the sinister authority and French-kiss assault rifles for six hours. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116908-The-Technomancer]

=== [[w:I Am Setsuna|I Am Setsuna]] ===
* I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to one of the user-defined tags that was attached to this game on Steam: &quot;Story Rich.&quot; I take slight issue with it, because you don't get &quot;Story Rich&quot; just from mugging ''Final Fantasy X'' in an alley-way and nicking their wallet; ''Final Fantasy X'' itself is only story rich in Zimbabwean Dollars. Thankfully, ''I Am Setsuna'' only nicks the pilgrimage plot-device and not the rest of ''Final Fantasy X'''s plot, and the player character, as far as I know, isn't a ghost-footballer from the future.
* Which brings me to the second user tag I want to bring up: &quot;Female Protagonist&quot;, an ''outright stinking lie'' because the player character is a mercenary who becomes Setsuna's guardian. Setsuna's the important one, yes, and you can rearrange the party to put Setsuna in the vanguard if you feel you need a human shield, but it's still the mercenary whose dialogue we choose, when we make the recurring vital decision between agreeing with Setsuna or slightly sarcastically agreeing with Setsuna. Perhaps there's an argument to be made that the playable character needn't necessarily be the protagonist of the story, but if I'm honest I don't want Setsuna to be the protagonist because she's wetter than a fishing trip to Seattle.
* Setsuna's so ''fucking'' sweet and forgiving she gives me ice cream headache, but there's a point where we go beyond naively trusting into the realms of mental handicap; when she insists on you joining her party the only thing she knows about you is that you're a hired killer, specifically hired to kill her. &quot;Oh player-san, I feel so comfortable around your upraised dagger and coppery stench of blood money.&quot;  I made myself laugh again by imagining Setsuna meeting a rabid grizzly bear.  &quot;Oh, I just know there's goodness in your heart, Mr. Tufty.&quot;  ''RAWR!  MAUL! MAUL!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116914-I-Am-Setsuna]

=== [[w:Deus Ex: Mankind Divided|Deus Ex: Mankind Divided]] ===
* In the aftermath of the climax of the previous game, when someone drove all the mechanically augmented humans kill-crazy by doing the equivalent of posting an honest review of the new ''Ghostbusters'' on the Internet, humanity is reeling from the attack and the augmented humans are regarded with fear and suspicion on the off-chance that something might flip the crazy murderer switch again at any moment. So welcome to Episode 2 of the Clumsiest Racism Analogy in All of Speculative Fiction. You can't split humanity into augmented and not-augmented because having oven-hobs instead of nipples is not a trait unique to specific families (unless babies are having their legs snapped off as they emerge from the womb and replaced with shelf brackets) to say nothing of the fact that you can't make the &quot;few bad apples&quot; argument if literally every augmented person went off their hydraulic cyber-trolleys and a certain amount of fear might be justified if no one knows that the insane murderer switch isn't still lying around somewhere for some family dog to accidentally trip while rubbing his ass on the carpet. Hey, remember how in the original ''Deus Ex'' augmented humans were a pretty small minority and no one made much of a fuss about them because hey, turns out a bloke with JCBs lodged in his armpits is a useful thing to have in peace-keeping force or when some furniture needs assembling and that most of the conflict in the setting of that game was rooted in the divide between rich and poor and insidious population control orchestrated by corporate interests and the media? &quot;Oh, no! Such themes would be completely irrelevant in the current climate, especially since triple-A game publishers haven't finished paying all the installments on their nuclear-equipped supervillain bunker on the moon.  Let's just make it all about the people putting sandwich toasters in their kneecaps.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116928-Deus-Ex-Mankind-Divided]

=== [[w:Metroid Prime: Federation Force|Metroid Prime: Federation Force]] ===
* Who the fuck turns to the 3DS for their online multiplayer-focused games?! I'd nominate a more suitable platform, but my list basically starts with &quot;All of them!&quot;
* I have formulated a theory. From the things we hear in the missing briefings about how Samus Aran has been running around offscreen being the best at everything, ''Federation Force'' feels like ''The Darkness II''-style co-op campaign running in parallel to the plot of the main single player campaign that isn't actually there. So maybe there was an actual Metroid Prime 3DS game being developed at some point that had the shitty multiplayer mode that must exist as part of the game industry's pact with Satan, but resources ran thin and something had to be cut out, so they cut the single player campaign because the crazy-pills salesman came around that morning giving out free samples. And then someone said, &quot;Wait, people will be annoyed about this decision.&quot; And their boss popped another crazy pill and said, &quot;You're right! We'd better put in a soccer mini-game to mollify them. After all, the kind of fanboys who wasted their tender years learning to speedrun Metroid on the slim promise of pixel tittie are also notoriously keen on team sports.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116931-Metroid-Prime-Federation-Force]

=== [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbORw5eXsiM Capcom Five] ===
* [''Resident Evil 4''] alone may well have saved the GameCube, ''if'' it had been an exclusive! But as we all know that turned into a pretty big &quot;if&quot;. So, here's a smaller &quot;if&quot;: Maybe everything would have still been lovely for Nintendo ''if'' Capcom had kept their mouth shut and hadn't announced the PS2 port two months before the GameCube release. Consequently, ''Resident Evil 4'' sold 1.6 million on the GameCube and 2 million on the PS2; what should have been the laying down of a winning hand became the laying of a cruel fist upon the goolies.
* The end result of the Capcom Five was that, what should have been a boost for the GameCube, turned into one broadcast after another that Capcom had zero faith in the console, and Nintendo wouldn't forget. In fact, rumour has it that the whole debacle is why there weren't any Capcom characters in ''Super Smash Bros. Brawl''. And if it's true, then that's the most pathetic attempt at revenge I've ever heard of! It's like telling the bloke who murdered your family and stole all your money that you've expelled him from your best friends' tree-house club. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116940-Capcom-Five]

=== [[w:Mafia III|Mafia III]] ===
* ...The game opens with a very ''Assassin's Creed''-esque disclaimer to the effect of: &quot;A lot of people are going to be saying very horrible racist things in this game, but please understand we had to put all that in to accurately bring the era to life. And when you think about it, not putting it in would've been even more racist. Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way: ''Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, coon, coon, spic!''&quot; I get that the 60's Deep South literally was more cartoonishly bigoted than a 2016 presidential candidate, but having granted themselves the all-clear to say the &quot;N-Word&quot;, I suspect that the writer started slightly getting off on doing so. I'm not one to judge; I'm going to say the word &quot;retard&quot; right now for literally no reason. But don't get all hand-wringingly sanctimonious about it when your game also contains Italian gangsters with tommy-guns who talk like they're never more than three wise-cracks away from bursting into a song from ''Bugsy Malone''!
* By the end of the game, I was struggling to remember why we were supposed to hate the main bad guy.  He killed about 0.01% of the people we've killed and had been running a bunch of naughty crime rackets (which we've proceeded to take over and not change in any way), but he also had an overarching, sinister, diabolical scheme! ...To set up a legitimate business, leave the criminal life behind, and create a future for his children. Oh, hang on, he does say &quot;nigger&quot; once or twice. Well, okay then, say no more: Let's drive his harmless, old ass to suicide to show how much more enlightened we are these days! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116949-Mafia-3]

=== [[w:Battlefield 1|Battlefield 1]] ===
* World War I was a conflict without clear heroes or villains; just millions upon millions of young men being sent to tragic, pointless deaths in the name of nothing but an international game of political bum-bouncing, so there'll need to be a thoughtful, more morally complex approach to the storytelling. &quot;What was that?&quot; cries ''Battlefield 1'' again. &quot;Sorry, we were busy making a story campaign about rugged, English-speaking fancy-boys squinting heroically into the middle distance as they mow down dastardly, jabbering Krauts by the hundreds!&quot; I wouldn't harp, but there's this whole bit in the introduction where an American and a German soldier lock gaze over a field strewn with bodies, and both lower their weapons in recognition of their inner humanity that can never be erased by a system that sees them as naught but expendable cogs; and then, five minutes later, it's back to &quot;Phwor! Massacring expendable cogs sure is fun, 'eh lads?!&quot; Even if you're playing as the German side of the multiplayer, the bloke on the briefing menu talks with zat very smug and efil German foice, ve vill punish zese stoopid Amerikan Kowboys for ze Glory of ze Kaiser! ''Mmmmmm...'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116958-Battlefield-1]

=== [[w:The_Last_Guardian|The Last Guardian]] ===
* Oh man, this is the end of an era.  It's only ''Half-Life 3'' left in the Infinitely Prolonged Sense of Vague Disappointment bucket.  And after that, the industry's going to have to mishandle a whole batch of new long-term projects to tease us with, and that's just not gonna happen until hype for triple-A games becomes worth giving much of a shit about again.  ''The Last Guardian'' was announced '''''nine''''' tongue-spunking years ago.  An entire tonsil-jizzing generation of consoles has passed between it and its predecessor ''[[w:Shadow_of_the_Colossus|Shadow of The Colossus]]''.
* [on final end credits card:] Remember to spay and neuter your giant cryptofauna.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116975-The-Last-Guardian]

=== Top 5 Games of 2016 ===
* I suppose the fact that the very first game I reviewed went straight into the bottom five should have been read as a bad omen for the year, more so than that ''[[w:Killing of Harambe|fucking gorilla]]'', anyway. ''Devil's Third'' was monumentally stupid and apparently designed by a schizophrenic with vibrators for thumbs, but it shall only skate at the edges of the bottom five for at least being weird enough to briefly distract one from, say, a recent bereavement or loss of limb. 
* &quot;[[w:No Man's Sky|No Man's Sky]]&quot;? More like &quot;No ''Game''&quot;! &quot;...That wasn't your strongest attempt at wordplay, Yahtz.&quot; No worries, I'll just patch something better in later. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116977-Top-Five-Games-of-2016]

=== [[w:Let It Die (video game)|Let It Die]] ===
* ''Let It Die'' kicks off with a skateboarding grim reaper wearing funky sunglasses, which is an image that leaps straight off the front cover of The Complete Dullard's Guide to Creativity. See, it's a traditionally grim thing acting in a lively and light-hearted way. That's almost as clever as putting a hat on a dog. &quot;Shit on a midshipman's biscuit! A ''dog'' in a ''hat''?! DOGS DON'T WEAR ''HATS!'' I hope the government are keeping a watchful eye on this dangerous subversive.&quot; 
* The game also assigns more than one command to some buttons like it's passive-aggressively trying to get them married. You throw your current inventory item by touching the trackpad, and eat it by touching the trackpad in a subtly different way. And I'm sure you can imagine there is very little overlap between &quot;Things you want to throw at people&quot; and &quot;Things you want to eat;&quot; the list starts and ends with, &quot;custard pies,&quot; and there aren't a whole lot of custard pies in the Tower of Barbs. You also cycle your inventory by touching the trackpad in a ''third'' subtly different way.  Blimey!  This is like trying to seduce your lady friend in a darkened cinema, and discovering that all along you were fingering her bacon sandwich. 
* After my best character died and I had no continues, I needed to pay in-game money to resurrect him instead, for you see, permadeath is only a thing that poor people have to worry about. But to make that money, I had to grind with my second best avatar. But his stats were lower and I got him killed as well. So I had to grind up with my ''third'' best to bring ''him'' back so I could continue grinding up to bring my best one back. And that's when I knew I had to get out before I got caught in an inescapable vortex of failure. I learned that lesson from the Hillary Clinton campaign.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116981-Let-It-Die]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 4|Dead Rising 4]] ===
* The first thing you need to know is that ''Dead Rising 4'' doesn't have a fixed time limit or mission deadlines.  You remember, that thing that every ''Dead Rising'' has and what makes them interesting, and is as much a part of ''Dead Rising'' as the sense of betrayal is part of getting kicked in the balls by your beloved horse! What it ''does'' have is a linear sequence of missions that will still be waiting for you, even if you sit down in the mud outside and make daisy-chains for eleven hours. You remember, the way ''every bloody'' sandbox game works. ''Dead Rising'' has taken the part of innovation that entails doing the shit that everyone else does; which is innovative in the same sense that the [[w:Grey_goo|grey goo]] scenario is innovative. &quot;Oh, wow! My legs have been harvested by a ravenous, unstoppable nano-swarm! This will add an intriguing new twist to the upcoming line-dancing tournament!&quot; I shouldn't have to explain that the time limits were there to add a unique challenge! Yes, it could occasionally get in the way of trying on hilarious barbecue aprons and tricycling down the escalator, but isn't that cathartic fun all the more satisfying when we know we've parceled our time to allow for a quick barbecue apron session in between making progress and not just cocking about?
* Now, doing nothing but comparing ''Dead Rising 4'' to its predecessors would be a stubborn, churlish, and counterproductive thing to do; so let's keep doing it! Hey, remember how the boss-fights with psychos used to be elaborate and interesting with colourful characters and unique attacks? Well, instead of that, now you fight generic dudes in silly outfits with slightly longer health bars. Another wonderful &quot;innovation&quot; to the format! &quot;Oh, look, the grey goo scenario has eaten my arms now as well! What a perfect opportunity to learn how to balance things on my nose!&quot; Alright, fine! ''Dead Rising 4'' introduces a couple of new mechanics.  You can equip powered armour in order to continue doing the same zombie-splattering you've been doing all along, except with slightly more defense. And there are stealth mechanics now, and — ''holy shit'' — I just thought of another word that doesn't belong anywhere near ''Dead Rising!'' Stealth is for characters who ''aren't'' carrying around three dynamite crossbows and a giant, acid-spewing hammer, thank you very much! To me, stealth mode was just a &quot;walk obnoxiously slowly&quot; button that I only ever pressed because I forgot that it wasn't the sprint.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116986-Dead-Rising-4]

=== [[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]] ===
* Our protagonist, Ethan Winters, drives to a scary place in the middle of nowhere because his wife, who's been gone for three years, sends him a message, asking him to— Hey, wait a minute! That's just ''Silent Hill 2!'' Fortunately, RE7 swiftly differentiates itself because, while James Sunderland gets drawn into a masterfully crafted atmosphere of dreadful symbolism, Ethan Winters gets a hand chainsawed off. Well, that's much more expedient! He finds himself at the mercy of a family of psychotic, super-powered Republicans who wants to make Ethan's bodily integrity great again, by sawing more bits off of it. Whoops! Bit political, that; better insult the other side to retain balance! In contrast to previous ''Resident Evil'' protagonists, Ethan is a normal dude with all the fighting skill of a Democratic Party election campaign. Although, having said that, he bounces back from traumatic injuries remarkably quick. Stuff gets shoved through his hand so often, he should start using the hole to store his biros and business cards.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116995-Resident-Evil-7]

=== [[w:For Honor|For Honor]] ===
* Ah, the time-honoured playground game of &quot;Who-Would-Win-in-a-Fight-Between...&quot; So many youthful friendships abandoned to hair-pulling dirt wrestles over whether or not the Enterprise-D could take the Death Star in a straight fight. And then those same kids grow up nursing resentments, become video game developers, and create things like ''[[w:Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe|Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe]]'', in which we learn that, yes, Sub-Zero could beat up Superman, if they're in an incredibly-contrived situation that makes things remotely fair and if Superman is being controlled by your mum. Or they create those pseudo-science TV shows like ''[[w:Deadliest Warrior|Deadliest Warrior]]'', in which we learn that, yes, obviously a ninja would win against a pirate, because a ninja is a trained assassin and a pirate is a drunk sailor with an at-best slightly intimidating beard.
* And it's the spirit of ''Deadliest Warrior'' that brings us Ubisoft's latest multiplayer-focused Skinner box, ''Foreigner'', so called because it's about how people of different races and creeds will never ''ever'' get along under ''any'' circumstances. Specifically, it concerns a permanent three-way conflict between medieval knights, medieval Vikings, and, uh... Japanese samurai, which, from a geographical perspective, is kind of like King Leonidas and the 300 Spartans showing up to join in the Falklands Conflict; whatever, it's a fantasy. Three communities of knights, Vikings, and samurai all live within five minutes' drive of each other, and they smack the shit out of their neighbours all day because it's easier than learning the Norwegian for &quot;Stop kicking your ball over my fence!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117004-For-Honor]

=== [[w:Horizon Zero Dawn|Horizon Zero Dawn]] ===
* ''Horizy Zozy Dozy'' is the game you're probably more familiar with as, &quot;That thing with robot dinosaurs and [[w:Brave (2012 film)|the archer girl from that one Disney film]].&quot;  In a post-post-post-apocalyptic future, really weirdly ethnically diverse tribes of future humanity live a subsistence lifestyle in the overgrown ruins of their forebears, and all knowledge of their history has become shrouded in myth. There are also robot dinosaurs for some reason. Although all of this does get eventually explained by the main plot, including the weirdly ethnically diverse thing. There was definitely a lot of thought put into the story of this one, which is gratifying. I do slightly get the sense that the explanation for robot dinosaurs was rather blatantly working backwards from, &quot;Let's have robot dinosaurs, because they kick arse!&quot; but I'm not complaining!
* ''...Horizontal Morning'' doesn't have very many original ideas in its head, but it admirably takes time out to justify the tropes it falls back on — like how it's subtly established that Aloy growing up as a shunned outcast is why she does the usual solo protagonist thing of constantly mumbling exposition to herself, like the homeless nutter she technically ''is!''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117015-Horizon-Zero-Dawn]

=== [[w:Nier: Automata|Nier: Automata]] ===
* The first ''Nier'' pulled the old ''Planet of the Apes'' gambit, where the fantasy world turns out to be the post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, and now ''Nier: Automata'' is set even further into the future, when things have come back around to being sci-fi again. The main characters are human-like androids fighting a seemingly endless war to retake the ruined Earth from an army of primitive but highly numerous machines that all seem to be modelled on women's sanitary products. The androids are doing this on behalf of humanity, whom we never see, but we're assured they're all living on a secret colony on the Moon that we can't go to and from which we only hear general announcements that all sound suspiciously pre-recorded. Doesn't quite take Alfred Hitchcock to see where that's going, does it? But ere you smite me with downvotes for the looseness of my spoiler-riddled tongue, the game's not actually ''about that.''  What it's about is the purpose of being, and what it is that separates a machine from a human, anyway. The story begins when some of the machines start to display human-like behaviour and emotions, in contrast to the androids, who were instructed to remain emotionless, despite having been programmed with emotions, possibly as a prank.
* ...The main character of this game about existentialism is 2B — 2B as in, &quot;Or not to be,&quot; you see; it's not just a kind of pencil.  2B is one of several mostly identical female android warriors (or &quot;gynoid&quot; warriors; thank you, pedantry corner) who fight the machines with katanas and robot suits and dress up in french maid outfits.  Thank Christ for that! I might have forgotten this was a Japanese game for two seconds and stopped loading my mouth with Pocky.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117019-Nier-Automata]

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands|Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands]] ===
* I knew [''Ghost Recon Wildlands''] was yet another Ubisoft Sandbox Game, and therefore another round of blandly visiting icons on maps like an overworked Uber driver, but I didn't expect it to be ''the'' Ubisoft Sandbox Game; the ultimate archetype at long last.
* ''Ghost Recon Wildlands'' is a sandbox-shooter reminiscent of— Oh, blimey, that rabbit hole never ends! It might be quicker to list the games ''Ghost Recon Wildlands isn't'' reminiscent of. Well, it's not in the least bit like ''[[w:Jet Set Willy|Jet Set Willy]]'', because at no point do you have to travel down a toilet, except in, you know, the metaphorical sense. The first comparison that comes to mind is ''The Division'', as both are flying the &quot;Tom Clancy&quot; flag and between the two we now have quite an insight into Tom Clancy's view of the world; or rather the view of the world of whatever creative director is currently holding up Tom Clancy's disinterred head on a stick. The message is: &quot;Have another cheeseburger, complacent subjects, for the government has secretly inserted packs of trained killers into all the world's populations, and the moment our way of life is kinda, sorta, indirectly threatened they are ready to step up and start shooting the disenfranchised.&quot; Meanwhile, in the real world, the government can barely manage [[w:Lewinsky scandal|secretly inserting the President's knob into an intern]]! But I digress.

=== [[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]] ===
* And so in the spirit of exploration, our hero travels to strange new worlds, seeks out new civilizations, and offers to do their laundry. Let me ask you something: if an alien came down from space and walked among us as ambassador to beyond the furthest stars, would it ever occur to you to call him over and ask if he wouldn't mind bobbing down the shops to run you a couple of errands? Maybe that's partly why BioWare games always speed down the uncanny valley like a herd of autistic wildebeest. It's not just that all the characters look and act like department store dummies with snap-on plastic hairdos; the game feels like it was written by one, as well. Ryder finds himself thrust into the role of head pioneer and the promotion requires him to have part of his brain cut out and an AI put in that talks to him inside his head, does all the difficult adding up, and occasionally fucks around with his bodily functions. He takes this in his stride and reacts with bemusement when other people think that that's slightly fucked up. It does all rather come across as a plot written by someone who learned about human emotion from children's pop-up books.
* The core gameplay of an RPG can also be character building: Making your character fit a ''role'', a ''role'' that you are ''playing'', as it were. But just about the only prior Mass Effect mechanic that has been slung in the bin is all that Paragon/Renegade business, and now, whether we respond to each dialogue with wit, with intelligence, with aggression, or like we've pounded ourselves between the eyes with a mixture of Botox and horse tranquillizer (trick question; that's ''every'' response) doesn't seem to matter one chafed mosquito nipple.
* After the last game was popularly considered to have a worse conclusion than the fucking 1930's, I felt duty-bound to power through the story end in the limited time I had available; the result was a rather tepid &quot;The Adventure Continues!&quot; affair, but what's important is that, having skipped a large degree of the side stuff, there were three entire planet sandboxes I hadn't so much as set foot in! So what the hell is all this tedious side-bollocks for if I can do in the final boss perfectly comfortably without it?! To see the grateful looks on the quest-givers' faces? It's a BioWare game! They'd make the same face if I pissed on their shoes!

=== [[w:Yooka-Laylee|Yooka-Laylee]]  ===
* Twenty years ago, before real life started to feel like a late-night sitcom that got all renewed past the point any of the writers gave a shit about it and is now seeing what it can get away with, there existed the &quot;mascot platformer&quot;, a staple of that weird transitionary period between 2D and 3D graphics when we hadn't quite internalized the fact that platforming is enhanced by 3D gameplay the same way bobbing for apples is enhanced when you've got a bear trap stuck on your head, and when most protagonists were big-headed cartoon mascots because the attempts at realistic characters looked like used toilet paper origami. A more innocent time; certainly a more colourful time before graphics improved and every protagonist became a short, brown-haired, white, middle-class dude, which would only serve as a mascot for the Kansas City Dullards.

=== [[w:Persona 5|Persona 5]] ===
* The secondary portion of the game, the high school life simulator bit, will also infuriate the psychotic completionists, because you've got five stats to keep digging over and you've got all these friends and party members you need to spend time with to improve your Personas in their combat skills. But the rub is that most of your limited number of days only have two time slots, daytime and evening, and you can only do one thing in each slot. Can't leave with more than one friend at a time or just for an hour at lunch, no, because apparently, we exclusively befriend insecure twerps who couldn't be any needier if they were in a permanent vegetative state. And the game's also a little unintuitive about what constitutes time slot-filling activity; you can get the metro to the pawn shop, flog a bunch of loot from the last dungeon, take another metro to the bookshop in the red light district to buy a copy of ''Razzle'', and no time will pass at all. But sit down at your desk to craft one fucking lock pick and there goes the fucking afternoon! And then sometimes the game goes into a prolonged story phase and several days and cutscenes will go by with no opportunity to do anything else, so if you've got rented DVDs due back, then you can piss up a chimney, Joe Titwank.
* There's a comparison to be made with ''Mass Effect'' here — both games are about forming a Scooby Gang — but I like the ''Persona 5'' Scooby Gang members because they're underdogs, they don't open up to you straight away, and they're expressive. They're ''not'' alleged Sci-Fi super-soldiers with the combat skills of a dead salmon, they don't blurt their entire character and backstory at you because you asked them to pass the salt, and they don't emote like the same dead salmon experiencing PTSD flashbacks.

=== [[w:Outlast 2|Outlast 2]] ===
* You are ace cameraman Blake Something-or-other, who comes with his wife to hillbilly murderer country to cover a story, and makes the rookie error of showing up in a helicopter, which, in video game intro sequences, hold together like a Jammie Dodger in the back pocket of a pair of jogging bottoms. So the inevitable happens, and he's got to rescue his wife from both a Christian death cult and a Pagan death cult that appear to be at odds, but seem to find plenty of common ground when it comes to doing horrible, horrible things to Blake's gormless ass. Again, maybe ''Resident Evil 7'' ruined this with all that chainsaw-based overzealous manicure business, because I swear, ''Outlast 2'' is trying to break the &quot;horrible, inescapable torture in first-person&quot; record. Fucking hell, it's like ''The Passion of the Christ: VR Edition''!

=== [[w:Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3|Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3]] ===
* The game opens with a flashback to two brothers.  The older: Brash, confident, and already enrolled in the military — the younger: more shy and troubled, and looking to the older with hero worship. Now, if you think you've guessed which of these brothers will be our underdog protagonist, then you've been misled by your basic storytelling instincts, ''you big stupid cunt''. No, the protagonist is the ''older'' brother! And after jumping gleefully over about fifteen years of character development, we suddenly cut to the brothers on a mission to ghost warrior the bollocks off some fools, which ends with the younger brother being captured by some global supervillain group or other. We then jump forward again two years — what is this; the fucking summer Olympics? — when our hero, Mister North...  I've honestly forgotten his first name; it was either &quot;Jon&quot; or &quot;Rob&quot;, so lets just call him... &quot;[[w:Oliver North|Oliver]]&quot; — is deployed to Georgia searching for his brother, and finds himself up against a mysterious masked sniper conducting a reign of terror. Oh, goshington ballbags, I wonder who that'll turn out to be! Who will be behind that mask when we confront this person who snipes almost as well as we do, and seems to be interested in us personally? Will it be [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|Whoopi Goldberg]]? Or [[w:Cardinal Richelieu|Cardinal Richelieu]]? Charlie the Chipshop Man? Ooh, maybe it'll be the competent story writer who disappeared right before the game began!
* &quot;Hang on, Yahtzee! If the protagonist turned out to be a different brother than who you expected, that's a subversion of expectations! Isn't that a good thing?&quot; It might have been, if the brother we got left with hadn't been an insufferable tosspot. I think his in-game character profile says it best: &quot;North is a firm believer in America's role as World Police.&quot; Wait, ''what?!'' So our protagonist watched that ''[[w:Team America: World Police|Team America]]'' film, and didn't realize it was a ''satire?''

=== [[w:Prey (2017 video game)|Prey]] ===
* I wonder how far they're willing to push this.  I'm already having to call the sequel police every time they reboot an old game and not change the title, and now look: The first game to be named &quot;''Prey''&quot; isn't particularly old and, more to the point, is somewhere on the low end of &quot;bugger all&quot; to do with this new game called &quot;''Prey''&quot;. Watch it, Bethesda! This is the kind of bullshit that brings down the sequel feds! Alright, both games are about alien invasions, but by that logic it might as well have been called &quot;''Space Invaders: Episode 973''&quot;. This really goes to show how utterly allergic these bean-counting, creatively bankrupt loaves of chunky shite are to new ideas; they had a perfectly acceptable original IP, and still felt the need to slap whatever pre-existing name they could find clinging to the side of the rubbish chute.

=== [[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]] ===
* I think it is fair to say that the DC Comics Universe and its various adaptations could stand to take itself a touch less seriously. &quot;Oh, it is easy to be an armchair cinematographer, isn't it?&quot; snarks Johnny DC in reply. &quot;You try getting in a cheery mood when your films need to break 400 million on opening weekend or your executives will have to take a pay cut and cause the collapse of the local pool-cleaning industry!&quot; I'm just saying, Johnny DC, that Superman and Batman crying in the rain, smashing each other's faces in, and talking like pro-wrestlers with mouths full of cat-litter, might be drifting somewhat from the essence of those characters. That is to say; power fantasies for little boys  who don't want to tidy their rooms.
* Still, as I believe I said last time, the one-on-one fighting game and the superhero comics universe are a natural combo, as both are concerned with larger-than-life characters beating the snot out of each other for one incredibly contrived reason after another. The broad incredibly contrived reason running through the ''Injustice'' property is a falling-out between Batman and Superman over whether or not killing people is good. Batman takes the position that killing is the uncrossable line where all negotiation breaks down and vigilance gives way to tyranny, where Superman takes the position that &quot;Wah, wah! I'm really sad and cross and I'm not gonna tidy my room, so there!&quot;

=== [[w:The Surge (video game)|The Surge]] ===
* You see, what follows the prologue is a cinematic in which Warren gets all his new fancy cyber-bits drilled into his flesh, except they forgot the anesthetic, and he's awake and screaming the whole way through, as the camera zooms gratuitously in on the blood squirting out of his new shoulder-mounted shelf bracket. It's quite harrowing, and I'm not even sure what the point of it is. I'm sorry, ''The Surge''; perhaps there's been a misunderstanding. I came here for some exciting sci-fi action, but you seem to be showing me cripple torture porn. &quot;Alright, fine! Begrudge us a little fun. Bam! Now you're in a junk yard fighting robots. Go!&quot; It's that abrupt! Maybe if Warren had interacted with another human being during the wheelchair prologue segment, we could have gotten a handle on some context. As it stands, for all we know, the torture porn cinematic and everything following could just be some kind of &quot;How Not to Do It&quot; occupational health and safety video they're making Warren watch. But this is another callback to ''Lords of the Fallen'', isn't it, which also began with a pre-rendered intro cinematic that was largely cock-all to do with the rest of the game. So I guess this is Deck13's design philosophy: &quot;Hey, do you mind watching this video we threw together for a laugh while we finish nailing bread-bins and bits of old pipe to the main character's armour?&quot;
* I've said this before, third-person games:  Leave the right analog stick alone to its happy little world of controlling the camera.  You force it out of its comfort zone, and it's just gonna piss on the bus seat and ruin the whole field trip.  None of this was enough to bring out that hate I mentioned earlier.  Frustration, yes, but frustration doesn't stop me from playing.  It just means I'll need two Diazepam and a wank once I'm done.  The hate only came when I was taking on the third boss.  It's a big industrial machine with about nine things on it trying to kill you; fair enough.  But for some turbo-cocking reason, every time you attack one, the game auto-targets it, leaving you staring blissfully into its eyes as its eight friends are winding up attacks where you can't see.  Get past that, and I can start attacking the core.  But if you target it...  Fucking switches to a fixed camera, so I can barely see what I'm doing!  What's got in to you, camera!?  Is this about the pissing-on-the-bus-seat comment?  Finally, after much frustration and about nine hundred attempts, I've gotten the core on the ropes and I'm moments from landing the final blow, whereupon I glitched through the floor and fall to my death.  '''No!'''  That's too much.  That's gone right over the Tropic of Fuckabout on a JetSki full of dicks.  I'm ''done!''  Fuck ''The Surge'', fuck Deck13, fuck anyone who likes it.  Blimey, that's filled my schedule out for the week.

=== E3 2017 ===
* In hardware news, Microsoft have updated Project Scorpio with a somehow even worse name: the Xbox One X. There's already two X's in &quot;Xbox&quot;, you dozy gits; this name is starting to look like a defaced game of tic-tac-toe. And I feel bringing it out alongside the Xbox One S is practically inviting the &quot;confused elderly relative on Christmas morning&quot; nightmare scenario.
* Old Man Nintendo had a better showing, although that &quot;Mario vs. Rabbids&quot; game makes you wonder if Ubisoft is trying to steal their pension checks. Fair play to them; ''Mario Odyssey'' needed a new angle, and it found one: they've done &quot;Mario becomes a raccoon&quot;, and they've done &quot;Mario becomes a cat&quot;, but they've never done &quot;Mario becomes a tunnelling brain parasite&quot;. What is it about ''Mario Odyssey'' that screams ''Sonic 2006'' at me? Must be the cartoon characters interacting with realistically-proportioned humans, which is always faintly sinister, like Christopher Lloyd's scenes in ''Who Framed Roger Rabbit''.

=== [[w:Strafe_(video_game)|Strafe]] ===
* It's a deliberate edification of retro-style game-play with a subtext of nudge-wink, self-aware irony, and it's published by Devolver Digital because ''of course it is''! Even if it had tried to get published by something else DD would have burst in the window dressed as a highwayman and kidnapped it, because this is very much DD's shit. Devolver Digital breakfast every morning on a bowl of pixels and a tall glass of the piss it took out of something. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117115-Yahtzee-Strafe-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== [[w:Get_Even_(video_game)|Get Even]] ===
* ''Get Even'' is an odd mish-mash of elements, the kind of game that can only be described with a sentence beginning with the words, &quot;Sort of,&quot; and ending with the word, &quot;thing.&quot;  As in:  ''Sort of'' stealth action-adventure ''thing.''  Or, ''sort of'' sci-fi psychological thriller ''thing.''  Or, I ''sort of'' pulled my trousers down to show you my ''thing.''  The protagonist is named — and you might want to hold a fishing net in front of you or something because, when you hear this, your eyes might just roll out of your head — '''Cole Black.'''  He's a grizzled mercenary type bloke who sounds a bit like Sean Bean making out with a fat angry dog.  He spectacularly ''fails'' to stop a teenage girl getting blown to bits and then wakes up in an abandoned asylum.  (The world of videogames probably has special &quot;Sorry to hear you woke up in an abandoned asylum&quot; greetings cards; it happens so bloody often!)  With the help of a mysterious voice, Cole must use a third-party VR helmet to explore his own buried memories and piece together the events leading up to him ''not'' saving a teenage girl from being blown to bits.
* Oh yes, and then a prisoner begs me to release him.  And a bit of text comes up to none-too-subtly inform me that My Actions Will Have Consequences.  Of course they will!  Walking across a room has consequences — the consequence is that I'm on the other side of the fucking room!

=== [[w:Hollow_Knight|Hollow Knight]] and [[w:Dead_Cells|Dead Cells]] ===
* Not only is ''Dead Cells'' in pixel art — which is slightly gross already, 'cause it makes everyone look like they've been fed through a chipping machine and reassembled — but the main character is a lump of snot on a corpse, which is what I call admirable commitment to the grossness doctrine.  Well done, ''Dead Cells!''  Please don't touch me.
* ''Dead Cells'', if anything, seems to be trying to ''discourage'' meticulous exploration.  There are doors to extra bonus areas that lock if you don't get to them fast enough.  &quot;Fuck you, door!  Of course I couldn't get here in under three minutes.  I passed by six tunnels on the way here and had to be extra certain that they all contained flashing red-clawed death!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash_Bandicoot_N._Sane_Trilogy|Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy]] ===
* Perhaps the relevant question is not how accurately the N. Sane Trilogy recreates the Crash Bandicoots of yore, but how well the Crash Bandicoots of yore hold up in this modern, spoiled age of quick-saves, auto-aiming, and online wikis providing access to an entire global network of big brothers to get past the hard bits for ya. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117126-Yahtzee-Crash-Bandicoot-N-Sane-Trilogy-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== Fifth Console Generation ===
* The N64 had the power, the IP, and the good reputation; there was just one tiny little massive cargo container full of bat smegma sitting on the N64 railroad tracks, and it had the word &quot;cartridges&quot; along the side. Cartridges did have merits. They load fast and are sturdy enough to still work after you smack your brother with it for asking for their turn, but the same is true of an articulated truck, and you wouldn't pick up your dinner date in one. The age of the CD-ROM had come, which may well have been slower to load and stopped working if you used them as improvised weaponry. But in comparison, developing for cartridge was like chiseling the ones and zeros onto stone tablets, and third-party developers were turned off. Ultimately the third-party developers would be the king makers of this generation. Capcom gave their old pals Nintendo the cold shoulder and showed up to the Playstation's birthday party with ''Resident Evil''. Squaresoft batted away Nintendo's attempt to hold hands so it could go behind the bikesheds with Sony and show them their knickers, aka ''Final Fantasy VII''.
* ...There were many factors leading to the Saturn's failure. Some blame the cancellation of its one and only Sonic game, ''Sonic X-treme'', which would have been the 3D Sonic to counter ''Mario 64''. And yes, I think it's a shame we didn't discover early on that Sonic and 3D meet the way the German invading infantry met the Siberian winter. Perhaps a lot of later unpleasantness could have been avoided. But if you asked me, banking on a console mascot is playing the game by old rules that the fifth generation was in the process of rewriting. Mascots were part of the world left behind, the one that would be compressed down into a little, comfortable nostalgic ball that Nintendo would wear on its head for the rest of fucking eternity, like a space helmet full of gummy bears.

=== [[w:Pyre (video game)|Pyre]] ===
* Buckle up while I attempt to explain this: In an oppressive fantasy kingdom, literacy is banned, perhaps the most sensible response to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey books, you (by which I mean the player character, not the greasy, unpleasant, serial masturbator watching this) are a scholar exiled to the wilderness below the civilized world who hooks up with a group of fellow exiles that need you to read a book they found that tells them about the secret rituals that have the power to free them from exile. For some reason, it turns out the rituals all involve going up against a similar group and competing to throw a ball into the other team's hole. If it seems like a rather contrived explanation for the three-on-three basketball thing, that's because ''it bloody well is!'' Oh, yes, and during your odyssey-cum-basketball tournament, you attract several more party members, each representing one of the sentient fantasy races in a case of what we academics call the traditional &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;. 
* I wonder what the fucking target audience for this game could be. The overlap between people who like fantasy visual novels and people who like NBA Jam can't be the biggest niche in the world, but I stuck with it and after playing it all the way to the end, I think I'm prepared to say I like ''Pyre''. Obviously I dropped the basketball difficulty to low 'cos obviously who gives a shit, but I should have remembered that Supergiant Games are pretty good at this whole interactive storytelling lark, and scratch my scrawny scrotum if I didn't genuinely didn't want to see what happened to these characters! We call it the &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;, but between this and ''Persona 5'', Bioware seem to be the worst at it. Again, I liked the Pyre Platter more than the Mass Effect Andromeda Burger King Kids Club, in spite of them only being still images that didn't make any effort to emote — or possibly because of.

=== [[w:Splatoon 2|Splatoon 2]] ===
* As before there is a single player campaign, which looks like it was hitting all the same notes: hub-world, collect local equivalent of ''Mario'' star at the end of each level, profound sense of suffocatingly tedious repetition by the odd do-things-three-times boss-fight. I think it was the first boss that killed any interested I had in seeing the campaign through; it was a giant killer bakers oven containing murderous bread with angry eyes. I just don't see what it has to do with any of the established themes of the game, those being: ocean-going lifeforms and a slightly desperate air of 90's coolness. Octopi do not bake bread, nor could one picture Tony Hawk doing it. This, Nintendo, is why we don't design boss-fights right before lunch!

=== [[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice]] ===
* What does work pretty well is the whole mechanic where a door won't open until you find a rune in the nearby environment by standing in a specific spot and looking at, say, a tree, a fencepost, and the post-mortem erection of a staggeringly well-endowed corpse so that they line up into a rune shape,  That's a very fitting gameplay mechanic for the theme, because that's basically a sign of paranoia -- interpreting secret meanings and significance where none may truly exist, like when you hear a dog barking and take it as an instruction to gun down your neighbors (presumably given in a Scooby-Doo voice).
* I died a bunch of other times, and actually came worryingly close to the limit.  But that was from a very annoying section where you have to run from light to light, because hanging around in the dark too long makes you die of...  erm...  being extra-insane, somehow.  Which is just as irritating a mechanic as it was when ''Metroid Prime 2'' did it.  I had no idea mental stability was solar-powered.

=== [[w:Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle|Mario + Rabbids]] ===
* Nintendo, what the steaming cross-eyed fuck is this? I'm still trying to get my head around it. A crossover between ''Mario'' and ''Raving Rabbids'' using turn-based ''X-COM'' style combat? What is this, a fucking Mad Lib? Or did someone lose a bet? If only you'd won the beer pong tournament at the last game dev party, Sony would have had to develop a city management sim starring Crash Bandicoot and Pyramid Head. Look, I'm not ragging on you for doing something unexpected; I applaud that! If you only ever gave people what they asked for, every game would be an identical fucking multiplayer hero shooter with a range of unlockable nipple-tassels. But when you set out to partner up with Ubisoft, was ''Raving Rabbids'' honestly the best option to crossover with ''Mario''? I mean the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is also frequently based around jumping on people and already has a bunch of comedy Italians in it. Tell me you couldn't picture it; Mario in a little Assassin-robe, jamming a wrist-spike in an unsuspecting Koopa-Troopa to make coins fly out?
* There are eight playable squad members; Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi and Rabbid equivalents of each, and only three to a squad, so what if the player only uses Mario, Luigi and Peach the whole game? It wouldn't be Mario and Rabbids at ''all'' then, it would just be Mario murdering Rabbids, and we've been skating on thin ice with the racism thing ever since we gave Mario an outrageous comedy Italian accent. So the game flat out forces you to put at least one Rabbid character in your party. No explanation is offered, the game just greys out all the home-team Mushroom Kingdom lads if you've already got two, so if you want to team Luigi's long-range focus with Peach's short-range superiority, then you can eat feces fettuccine, my friend! This might be the first example of a gameplay mechanic introduced solely for the sake of the contractual obligations of its characters.

=== [[w:Destiny 2|Destiny 2]] ===
* ''Destiny 2'' has quite a long Pissabout Deferment Index, or &quot;PDI&quot;, which is the term for the amount of time a free-to-play or Skinner box game gives you to get settled in before it starts pissing you about. It only started when, out of nowhere, the next plot mission required me to grind up two more levels, which wasn't much; I only had to do a couple of side quests, or rather, &quot;adventures&quot;, as they are called here, which I suppose is one way to make them sound interesting. &quot;Ho, traveller! Are you a stalwart enough hero to 'adventure' to a place and shoot the lads?&quot; But then, after the next plot mission, I needed to gain another four levels to proceed, and, yeah, I guess I see what we're doing here now, ''Destiny 2''.
* It was while I was following a series of objective markers in order to get to a place wherein might be found some lads to shoot; I paused about halfway down a corridor to take a break from the sheer roller coaster of excitement the mission was turning into and found myself staring at the wall texture. We were in one of the several hundred ancient alien temples covered in somehow-still-functioning LEDs that Bungie have made across their career and the decor had gone for an intricate pattern of narrow lines and right angles, but then I looked closer and saw there were multiple layers of lines, some in sharper relief than others. I got curious and looked around the entire surrounding area for where the pattern repeated, and I couldn't find it! Every part of the wall seemed to be a unique combination of lines and little glowy lights. Who were you, mysterious wall-texture-designer-person with whom I feel a strange kinship as I gaze upon your work? What ambition spurred you through the years of practice and higher education that brought you to this place? When you dreamed of your artwork being hung upon walls to be viewed by millions, is this precisely what you had in mind? I picture them heading back to their cubicle to touch up another series of functionally-identical-but-slightly-varied wall textures and passing a meeting room where they overhear some designers discussing how best to word the latest iteration of &quot;going to a place and shooting some lads&quot;, whereupon they heave a weary sigh and add another few names to the workplace massacre checklist they know damn well they no longer have the balls to execute.

=== [[w:Metroid:_Samus_Returns|Metroid: Samus Returns]] ===
* The exception, as always, is Nintendo, who do not need to be told that nostalgia pays off, because they already carved that into the forehead of every fucking employee.  It's part of the induction day schedule now, right after biscuits and pointing out the toilets.  Seems they accidentally put their name on [[Zero_Punctuation#Mario_+_Rabbids|something half-way original]] this month, and the balance needed to be redressed.  So they spun the wheel of Nintendo policy, and it landed on, &quot;Remake Old Game.&quot;  Which shouldn't come as a surprise, as that option covers half the bloody wheel, with the other half split between, &quot;Make low-effort unwanted spin-off,&quot; and, &quot;Announce another fucking new console.&quot;

=== [[w:Knack 2|Knack 2]] and [[w:SteamWorld Dig 2|SteamWorld Dig 2]] ===
* Knack, for it is his name, is also an unstoppable fighter and problem-solver with a very good speaking voice whose existence is shrouded in mystery, and yet despite being the player character, he doesn't seem to be the protagonist of the story. That honour goes to a drippy little teenage twat who hangs around with Knack to form a highly effective world-saving partnership: Knack provides the muscle, the intellect, the lucrative royalties from his side-gig recording audiobooks, and the kid provides, err, a nice, flat head for Knack to rest his beer on. And yet the game persistently focuses the story on the little bastard and his problems as he whines about no one taking him seriously; maybe that's something to do with the way he sits on his arse the whole time, letting his bucket of Rubik's Cubes do the work. Essentially, Knack, and by extension, us as the player character, are treated like the family dog, who's let off the leash at the start of each level to run ahead scaring off goblins and German holiday-makers so that the human characters can hang back and scoff all the pork pies, and I can't remember the last time I was so utterly &quot;sewing needle under the fingernail to keep me awake&quot; bored while playing a game. ''The Division'', maybe, but at least ''The Division'' gave me a gun so I could compose satirical haiku on the walls in bullet holes.

=== [[w:Cuphead|Cuphead]] ===
* See, the rub is that ''Cuphead'' is retro-style, but not in the usual sense, i.e., pixels the size of Plymouth; it's deliberately fashioning itself after retro animation, in the style of Max Fleischer or very early Disney, and pulls that off with quite remarkable success! The film grain, the scratchy audio, the big brass band soundtrack, the fluid, exaggerated animation where characters all move like warmed-up gummy worms caught in the spokes of a bike; it all feels so bloody authentic! And most importantly, what a lot of people forget about early cartoons — here, we very unsubtly waggle our eyebrows at ''Epic Mickey'''s forgotten grave-site — is that they could be really fucking dark. See, back then, it wasn't generally understood that kids needed to have their delicate sensibilities protected, as odds were pretty good they were all going to die in a European trench war before they turned eighteen, anyway. So thematically, cartoons were lighter on wholesome lessons about friendship and heavier on skeletons and racism. So there's something overtly sinister about Cuphead, which might be from subtly wrong things like the drinking straw in our character's head — I mean, the teacup-head thing I'd buy, but who the fuck drinks from a teacup with a straw? That's just pushing it. But I think it's the overall scratchy look and feel that makes me think the little girl from ''[[The Ring]]'' could push out of the screen at any moment and start making comical trombone noises.

=== [[w:Hob_(video_game)|Hob]] and [[w:A_Hat_in_Time|A Hat in Time]] ===
* (sotto voce) Okay, Yahtz, you can do this; one more week before the big releases start, and then you can stop pretending anyone gives a shit about indie ga...  '''Oh! Hello there, viewers!'''
* ''Hob'' does do a good job of executing what it sets out to do:  The air of wandering adventure, of secret purpose, of boredom, of exploring the ruins of strongholds and cities once mighty if boring, atmospheric, boring, boring, boringly boring...  Don't misunderstand me, ''Hob''...  &quot;It sounds like you think I'm boring, Yahtz.&quot;  All right, I guess you ''haven't'' misunderstood me, yes!
* So I also downloaded another game later in the week that had some ominous red flags about it called ''A Hat in Time''.  Firstly, the title's ''rubbish''.  &quot;A Hat in Time...  A Hat in Time...&quot;  Just saying the words feels like I'm biting down on the side of a plastic cup.  Also, it's a Kickstarted project that pledges to evoke the spirit of retro 3D platformers, and that rang particular alarm bells which sounded like this:  &quot;''[[w:Yooka-Laylee|YOO-ka-LAY-lee, YOO-ka-LAY-lee]]...''&quot;

=== [[w:The Evil Within 2|The Evil Within 2]] ===
* Last time, my problem with the story was that the world had no physical coherence; you just randomly warped from horrible place to horrible place with no idea of how or if you were getting closer to victory. This complaint appears to have been addressed: it's established that the evil mega-corp has somehow built an entire coherent town in our kid's noggin, but parts of it are being corrupted by psychos. So now we do have a sense that our physical location actually matters, but the plot's still a mess: we establish our main villain, have a boss fight with him, then he goes, &quot;By the way, I'm working for someone else who hasn't been mentioned or established in the slightest, but he's the main villain now. Oh no, I'm dead! Bleh!&quot; Also, the relationship between real and virtual worlds confuses me. Everyone in the virtual world has a body in the real world, right? So why is Sebastian the only one we see in the plug-in room? Why doesn't our contact on the outside just go to the bodies of the troublemakers and stick an ice pick up their nose? We help one bloke escape the virtual world, but how did that work? They escaped, woke up in the real world facility, then politely asked the mega-corporation not to immediately shoot them in the face?

=== [[w:Super Mario Odyssey|Super Mario Odyssey]] ===
* Shortly, Mario is left in the dirt and meets the inevitable magical spirit character that basically acts as glorified mouse-pointer: the star child in ''Mario Galaxy'', the butterfly thing in ''Super Paper Mario'', the Roomba from the Rabbids thing. This time, it's a magic hat, and as has been well-documented of, Mario throws the magic hat at a living thing that isn't already wearing a hat, then Mario parasites their body and overwrites their free will like a ''Cordyceps'' fungus with a slightly racist accent.
* Incidentally, the mayor of City World is Pauline, who may be the same one from ''Donkey Kong'', but I'm not sure they ever directly admit that; probably a hard thing to bring up in casual conversation. &quot;Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but didn't I rescue you from a monkey?&quot; This is the same City World that's populated with realistically-proportioned humans, by the way, which, for me, raises the question of what the fuck Mario is, if not a human like these lads. Some frighteningly malformed species of hairy pygmy?

=== [[w:Wolfenstein_II:_The_New_Colossus|Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus]] ===
* But the stealth is like a blatantly rigged carny game where the cans are glued together and the goldfish have all died, anyway.  It's the shitty kind of stealth where every motherfucker on the map instantly knows your position (and least favorite place to be shot in) because you moved one quarter-inch out of cover to look around and were spotted by someone's hamster.  Thus begins The Cock-Up Cascade, and I hate Cock-Up Cascade, because it feels like being unduly and continuously punished for making one tiny mistake.  The commanders also instantly know where you are, and will continually re-spawn backup until you storm their office and chop all their arms and legs off -- like the exact opposite of the smooth, un-rattled secret agent you ostensibly are.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Origins|Assassin's Creed Origins]] ===
* Triple A games are now merely platforms for blatant attempts to fleece money from colossal dimwits that somehow have financial independence despite not being able to open a tin of beans without losing an eye. And then the publishers will say, &quot;Hey, just because we erected a giant sign saying 'Please jump off this cliff and dash yourselves to death on the jagged rocks below!' doesn't mean you ''have'' to do that!&quot; Granted, but I object to the way most of the game takes place in the shadow of the giant sign, and the rest of it is spent perched astride the giant sign. What I mean is, ''Assassin's Creed Origins'' is one of those Triple A terminal cases where everything seems to have been built around the giant cliff-jumping sign as an afterthought. Firstly, it's got all the usual variables: Character levels and XP, in-game currency, weapon upgrades, crafting items; 'cause of course, the more things you can quantify, the more imaginary prizes you can put in a loot box, the more you can base the gameplay around making numbers bigger and hypnotize the players into wanting a weapon identical to their current weapon except with a whole two numbers bigger more than they want their next ''fucking'' meal! I can't think of what other purpose giving every character a level could possibly have. It's certainly catastrophic for immersion, when anything more than two levels higher than you will just mash you into a fine paste even if you do get a stealth attack on them; one would think a hidden blade to the windpipe would be a pretty decisive argument-ender no matter how many press-ups they did that morning.
* Every now and again, you get to play as Bayek's missus doing ship combat missions, which I find mystifying. Does Ubisoft think we now ''expect Assassin's Creed'' to have ship combat, just because ''Black Flag'' had it and it was a little beacon of joy and light glimmering all too briefly from inside Ubisoft's churning mass? Because I don't want your ship combat if you're just cynically crowbarring it in like a nice ball of glittery tin foil to look at while we're getting sodomized over the recycle bin. 
* Look, I'm not mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''; I'm just disappointed. And bored. Mostly bored. I might have had a better time if the game had let me speed through the story campaign instead of forcing me to grind up dull, repetitive side-quests to reach the minimum level for the next main mission. I don't like the feeling that the game is fighting with me to stop me getting what I want out of it. Actually, maybe I ''am'' mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''! I'm so sick of all this; I'm sick of playing Triple A games that feel like they exist not because a creator had a vision and an idea that excited them, but because quarterly income projections needed to be met. It's like Blackbeard going into stock market fraud; yeah, it's more lucrative, but there's no freedom or adventure, and they won't let you carve tits on the figurehead!

=== [[w:Star Wars Battlefront II (2017 video game)|Star Wars Battlefront II]] ===
* I don't want to dwell on the prevailing loot box controversy because it's been covered to death elsewhere and I'm not a multiplayer guy; I was more pissed off about EA selling ''Battlefront I'' at full price with no single-player campaign and then sticking one in their second, equally full-priced game and expecting forgiveness. But then, this is an increasingly-popular strategy, isn't it? If you've done something shitty, follow it up with an even shittier thing and the first shitty thing will be swiftly forgotten and normalized. Take EA's advice: if you get caught cheating with your wife's sister, double down and fuck her guinea pig, as well.
* We kick off playing as Iden Versio, a commando and true believer for the evil Empire with a name that sounds like a low-market electronics company from Eastern Europe. She flies around the galaxy doing commando shit with her two squad members: Del Meeko, a slightly nerdy bloke with the word &quot;meek&quot; in his name, and Hask, a sneering Imperial blue-eyed boy with the word &quot;ass&quot; in his name. So here are the things we immediately know for absolute certainty will happen: the Empire's going to get its shit pushed in, Versio's going to switch sides, kill Hask in a boss fight at some point, and some ghoulish recreation of Carrie Fisher's corpse will probably call her a &quot;cool dude&quot; and give her a fist bump.
* I'd love to comment on ''Battlefront II'''s ending, but it doesn't seem to have one. You think it's going to have one, and then it just doesn't, but don't worry; a text caption assures us that the story continues in multiplayer. Well, ''fuck me'' for trying! There I was, giving the benefit of the doubt, only for the doubt to be farted on and thrown back in my face! I felt ''sorry'' for you, story campaign! I thought it was a shame you were forced to hang out with your ugly roommate who charges micropayments before they'll do the washing-up; I thought I could take you out by yourself and maybe we could all have a little fun and take our minds off your ugly roommate! Little did I realize he was setting up a fucking threesome!

=== [[w:PlayerUnknown's_Battlegrounds|PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds]] ===
* I mean PUBG, which stands for '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''onanza '''G'''oldmine, the breakout hit multiplayer shooter based somewhat on the concept of ''[[w:Battle_Royale_(film)|Battle Royale]]'', except ''Battle Royale'' didn't involve quite so many people running around in their undepants (not yet, anyway; don't put the idea in their head, you know what Japanese culture's like).  One hundred players are dropped unarmed and helpless into a deserted sandbox map, everyone who owned property in the area apparently thought that a small pile of guns and supplies makes a lovely living room conversation piece, the playing area gradually shrinks over time, and the winner is the last person to get shot, fall to their death, or quit in disgust after listening to the voice chat.  Because another thing PUBG could stand for is '''P'''layers '''U'''nabashedly '''B'''acking '''G'''enocide.  Seriously, the first thing I did was mute that shit 'cause I started my first game and immediately heard someone going, &quot;Niggers, niggers, niggers, niggers,&quot; and I know that sounds like something I'd make up, but I swear they were.  Hell, who needs to interact with the other players, anyway?  I do usually avoid multiplayer games.  After all, I '''P'''ersonally '''U'''nderstate the '''B'''enefits of '''G'''regariousness.  But I'm fine as long as I don't have to socialize and we can just mutely exterminate each other, like when I go to trivia night at the pub.
* And in the year when loot boxes became a symbolic evil right alongside toothbrush mustaches and Ugg boots, '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''urbling '''G'''randma's cosmetic loot boxes are taking a pretty sizable amount of piss -- probably up to waist-deep at least.  After my first boots adventure, I knuckled down and church-camped my way to my second loot box, dreaming of the next fancy cosmetic that would surely make me the belle of the morgue.  And ya know what I got?  A pair a beige trousers.  Great.  This'll be perfect camouflage if the next match takes place in an Ikea showroom.  So I knuckled down again until I got my third loot box which contained a pair of ''white'' trousers.  My fourth, which is about where I resolved to give up playing the loot box market, was -- brace yourselves -- a pair of black trousers.  Well, at least I assembled a complete spectrum of trousers.  Or to put that another way, I '''P'''ainstakingly '''U'''nited a '''B'''ritches '''G'''radient.

=== [[w:Doki Doki Literature Club!|Doki Doki Literature Club!]] ===
* The real turning point comes when the depressed girl commits suicide; that's the definite point of bollock descent into icy water. Although, her depression had been portrayed with a slightly uncomfortable authenticity, so it wasn't creepy in an enjoyable psychological horror kind of way; it was just really fucking sad. It happens regardless of what choices you pick, which, in itself, might be an effective premise for a game about depression: constantly reliving the same few days trying to save her and failing every time because her problems are too deep-seated to be fixed just because you accidentally felt her up on day three.
* But I might as well give it away now, I think the game's already peaked by this point; it's already thrown its skirt up and flashed you its knickers with &quot;Subversion of Dating Sim&quot; written on them, and the game has been given away, so all it can do now is try to psych you out by drifting into the faintly ''lame'' territory of the video game creepypasta. So of course, graphics start fucking up and characters start bleeding from the eyes and doing that thing where their pupils go really small and they smile a bit too widely, which is, of course, anime shorthand for someone being two gratuitous panty shots short of a ''Sailor Moon'' episode. And if anything, this all made me ''less'' creeped out. &quot;Phew, I'm glad you started bleeding from the eyes, 'cause things were getting a bit harrowing back there for a while with all that slightly-too-real depression and suicide business.&quot; And then there was all that anticipation leading up to it, playing the happy-clappy standard Dating Sim shit, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I can relax, because I see we've entered Silly Horror Town. Yeah, you go ahead and stab yourself, missy; couldn't hurt, could it?

=== [[w:The Inpatient|The Inpatient]] and [[w:Doom VFR|Doom VFR]] ===
* ''The Inpatient'' is a prequel of sorts to ''Until Dawn'', that branching-paths slasher movie game from a while back, and so it takes a few moments to remind us at length that our choices will have consequences; for example, if we choose to get bored and stop playing, that will have the consequence of a slightly more enriching afternoon. 
* I'm just going to spoil a lot of ''The Inpatient'', because, trust me, missing out on this one is not going to haunt you to your dying days. The thrust of this and ''Until Dawn'''s premise is that if you eat human flesh, you turn into a wendigo, right, and the main diversion of the plot is whether you turn into a wendigo or your roommate does. Now, in the former, our roommate is absent — presumably 'cos we scoffed down their entire body with French fries and ranch — but I don't get why the roommate becomes a wendigo in the other scenario, because we're self-evidently not eaten; I don't remember looking down at any point and seeing that one of my legs was chewed off. Just a little plot hole, but there's so little plot, one hole turns it into a fucking engagement ring.

=== [[w:Subnautica|Subnautica]] ===
* Lord, save me from all these fucking survival games. (There's an ironic joke in there somewhere.) They always start sensible with combining rock with stick to create stick with rock on the end.  But sooner or later you end up mashing together two mushrooms and a piece of discarded tinfoil to create a magazine-fed 5.56mm Colt AR-15, which you then rub on a small pile of turds for a second to add the optional holographic sights. Still I understand why they appeal. Where most games revolve entirely around the player waiting giggling just over the horizon for you to step into the designated minotaur area so it can leap out and start flinging minotaurs, it's refreshing to play a game whose world feels like it couldn’t give a shit about you, that its environment and life forms could muddle along perfectly well by themselves and which will kill you stone dead if you go twenty minutes without sucking any hydration from the tear ducts of a passing sparrow. Anyway, we've done crafting survival games in most of the standard Mario level biomes -- grasslands, desert, jungle, ice world -- so until they bring out a crafting survival game set in food world where we have to make spears out of Twiglets, here's a crafting survival game set in a ocean level, ''Subnautica.''  You are Rex Handsome, faceless mute space adventurer with the superhuman ability to not go all wrinkly when they stay underwater too long. Sadly he got this power by trading in his ability to prevent spaceships from exploding, and his spaceship explodes over an ocean planet with only three survivors: Him, one escape pod, and the Mars bar in the glove compartment. Now our hero must find a way off the planet, but in the meantime do the usual survival crafting game stuff:  Build a base, find food and water, explore, and remember to breathe every now and again, you dozy git. ''Subnautica'' is the kind of game that probably could have gotten away with procedurally generating the map and having no further plot beyond, &quot;See how long you could last and maybe find yourself a nice crafting project, like building a castle with a fire breathing effigy of The Allman Brothers on the top.&quot;  So I was surprised to see that it ''didn't'' do that. The world map is fixed and astonishingly there's a plot with an actual ending, where you get to leave the planet tearfully waving goodbye to The Allman Brothers as you go. HO, YES! That space ship disaster wasn't just a contrived setup; the massive wreckage is your principal navigation point for the whole game, and your first challenge is figuring out how you're going to loot it while it's on fire and pissing radiation like an incontinent dog from the Bikini atoll.
* ...''Subnautica'' always found a way to worm back into my interest pipes.  I told myself I wasn't going to stick around long enough to want to mess around with the base building element much.  I'd just build one scanning room to show me where the nearest Seven-Elevens are, and that needs power, so solar panel, but wait.  What if I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a disgusting cupcake?  Better have a bio-matter reactor as well, and now we'll need a little terrarium to feed it with...  This is taking a lot of stuff; better add some storage.  Ooo! there's a volcanic vent down there.  I could probably extend the base far enough to build a thermal reactor, and if we're doing that, might as well add some more rooms...  &quot;Hey, Yahtz, you still playing that game?&quot;  '''''WHO DARES TRESPASS UPON FORTRESS OCELOT ALPHA!?'''''

=== [[w:Kingdom Come: Deliverance|Kingdom Come: Deliverance]] ===
* After the death of the beloved Charles IV, his heir, Wenceslaus, of &quot;Good King...&quot; fame, proceeds to, in a very literal sense, fuck things up royally, until his half-brother Sigismund imprisons him and starts smashing up the countryside for giggles. At the outset, none of this means a whole lot to our main character, Henry, a peasant blacksmith's son who's more concerned about the day-to-day doings of a medieval peasant, which is to say, covering himself in shit. There's even a mechanic where certain speech and charisma checks are affected if you show up covered in shit, which is pretty fucking unfair, because it's medieval times, and the only thing that isn't covered in shit is the clouds, and only because no one's built a big enough siege tower.
* I reached a point where I was supposed to join a big raid on a bandit camp with twenty other lads, which took six or seven tries because victory was hinging on all my NPC helpers pulling their weight, and that was like expecting a team of sled dogs to help with your maths homework. But finally, we managed to breach the inner camp and Henry decides he's going to fight the bandit leader by himself, in a fucking Thunderdome. And then, I had to give up on the whole game, because I could barely get one hit in before he wiped the fucking floor with me!  Fuck &quot;realism&quot;! The &quot;realistic&quot; approach would have been to let me lure him out of the fucking Thunderdome and get my sixteen heavily-armed mates to pass him around for sweaty cock-slaps. But nope! Fuck player choice! Fuck your build! It's standard boss fights or into the bin with you!

=== Hunt Down The Freeman ===
* The staggering thing about ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' is not that it exists.  If we had to stop the presses every time someone made a shitty fan game, the presses wouldn't be running long enough to print a fucking Bazooka Joe comic.  The staggering thing is that this is a fan game embellishing Valve's story using Valve's intellectual property being sold for actual money on Valve's own distribution network, and therefore carries an unspoken stamp of ''endorsement,'' despite being truly, madly, ovarian cyst-ingly ''bad'' on every imaginable level, in ways that only bad fan games can be.
* The only reason I wanted to talk about [''Hunt Down The Freeman''] is 'cause of the depressing indictment of modern gaming it creates — not by itself; by Valve's apparent indifference to this waterfall of piss trickling down either side of its legacy's nose.  Twenty years ago, ''Half-Life'' was a focal point in gaming's ongoing development as an artistic narrative medium.  The next few years saw a ''slough'' of titles that combined triple-A game design with genuine emotional story.  But ''what happened'' between then and now?  Why are the games routinely rewarded with triple-A status and income ''exclusively'' loot box-infested live-service '''''bullshit''''' — games designed, not to inspire or stimulate our emotions, but to ''numb'' them and hypnotize us into lab rats mindlessly pawing the button that makes treats come out — while the games created with love and artistic integrity drown beneath waves of bottom-feeders like ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' that tear chunks of rotten flesh from the corpses of Valve's children, as Valve itself, once habitual founders of new ages of narrative gaming, merely waves them on, barely glancing up from their tax paperwork?  What happened to you? ''What happened to '''us?  To the people we were supposed to become?'''''  I don't know, but it's probably safe to blame John Romero.

=== [[w:Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom|Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom]] ===

* Now, I wasn't sure I was going to do this game, because you know what I'm like with JRPGs that aren't called ''EarthBound'' or ''Persona 5'': I'll be rolling my eyes dismissively at the first sign of hairdos that look like they were crafted out of brightly-colored mashed potato by an extremely bored child who can't leave the table. But precisely thirty seconds into the plot, I had a feeling I was going to have to talk about this one, firstly in a review, and then maybe in some kind of inquest into what the fuck Japan has been playing at for the last thirty years or so. So here's how the story starts: the president of the United States is on his way to a summit of the U.N. when the city he's driving through gets hit by a direct nuclear strike. Don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once; this is still ''Ni no Kuni II''. Moments before death, the president is transported to a fantasy world; specifically, to the bedchamber of a little prince boy wearing cat ears. Well, that's one explanation, anyway, but maybe you should save it for the hearing, Mr. President. Also, he gets de-aged about thirty years for no particular reason except it's the law that JRPG protagonists can't look old enough to buy a health potion without getting carded.

=== [[w:Conan Exiles|Conan Exiles]] ===
* I found a nice, quiet spot to set up base camp that was convenient for the river, the local spider cave, and the Rock, Tree, and Bush Emporium and started progressing my way up the tech tree. &quot;Make a stone pickaxe: one bit of wood, five rocks.&quot; Gotcha. &quot;Make a bedroll: one bit of wood, five leaves.&quot; That's done. &quot;Now make a wooden storage box: 100 bits of wood—&quot; Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was a fucking jump! I only wanted a foot locker, not a fucking Regency wardrobe with a complimentary portal to Narnia! &quot;Now let's build a tannery; that'll be 240 rocks—&quot; WHAT?! It's, like, three bits of wood with skin stretched over it! What are the rocks for?! You going to put it on a gravel driveway?! &quot;Well, we're just making sure you get the full intended experience; that is to say, wasting hours of your life banging a rock with another, smaller, pointier bit of rock.&quot;

=== [[w:Detroit: Become Human|Detroit: Become Human]] ===
* David Cage has only one tool in his storytelling arsenal and it is a giant sledgehammer with the word &quot;MELODRAMA!&quot; written down the side. His stories always play out like rampant human misery simulators as written by someone who's never met any human beings. Well, I suppose we know he's met [Elliot] Paige. ''Fucking hell'', do we know that! He probably puts it on his business cards. And just because the story's &quot;depressing&quot; doesn't mean it's &quot;deep&quot; or &quot;complex&quot;. There's a moment in ''Despair: Become Miserable'' where we literally watch an ugly man in a run-down house loudly explain to no one in particular how much he’s going to enjoy beating up his daughter in between puffs on his crack pipe. Half the characters in these games are like one-off villains from ''[[w:The Incredible Hulk (1978 TV series)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' TV series where they had to contrive an excuse for [[w:Bill Bixby|Bill Bixby]] to hulk out every episode, so they chuck a random, inexplicable asshole into the room to smirkingly give him nipple cripples for literally no reason.
* What's sad is that there’s always a great deal of potential in David Cage video games: I look forward to the day when he actually creates one! ''Har Har Har.'' He doesn't make branching-narrative video games, this lad; he makes branching-narratives and then tries to tortuously squeeze a video game into it. I feel like he'd rather be making films. He doesn't appreciate the essential differences between the way an audience engages with a game versus a film. At the very start, we play weird-faced lanky detective android in a hostage situation and we're permitted, and indeed obliged, to bum around the room next to the hostage situation gathering intel on the perp before we confront them. This also gives us the chance to learn a bit about the world we're in, which would've been fine, but as I leafed through a jolly interesting magazine the hostage taker suddenly shot one of the SWAT guys and the game went: &quot;''WHOOPS!'' You bummed around too long! That's going on your permanent record!&quot; I don't get it, David Cage. Did you want me to explore and immerse myself in this world you've created or did you want to maintain psychotic death-grip control of the story's pacing? 'Cos if the latter, then just make a fucking film! Or, perhaps more realistically, a choose-your-own-adventure book. Well, I say he should make a film, but he'd never hack it in films ironically because he's a hack. All his dialogue is clichéd and most of his ideas are nicked. I enjoyed ''[[w:Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]]'' too, David Cage, but you didn't have to enjoy it so ''bloody'' publicly! 
* I'd like to close this review by discussing one of the plot twists. [...] Remember that nanny bot who adopts the human child? Towards the end it turns out the child was also an android all along! Ooh, what a twist! An inadequately explored twist that adds nothing to the characters or story and may even be detrimental to it. I mean, &quot;Can a robot mother truly love a human child?&quot; was a question with some power to it in this context, but, &quot;Can a robot love another robot?&quot; Yes, they can! We ''know'' they can! We've seen like twelve of the buggers doing it already! It's just a twist for the sake of having a twist. In other words, it's a David Cage twist.  Sounds like a dance, doesn't it?  Hey, everybody! Do the David Cage Twist!  Walk stiffly around the room for 10 minutes, then reach for the sky — and fall flat on your face.

=== [[w:Agony_(2018_video_game)|Agony]] ===
* ''Agony'' makes me think that the phrase &quot;psychological horror&quot; is getting bandied around a bit too easily these days.  Psychological horror to me means something with more of an understated creeping dread about it — more &quot;OooOOHoohhh&quot; than &quot;Eughhh!&quot; and ''Agony'' is very much on the &quot;Eughhh!&quot; side of things.  (Yeah, fuckin' [https://i.ytimg.com/vi/mzK35c-tOKs/maxresdefault.jpg transcribe that one], bitch!)
* These basic mechanics aren't terribly well explained, and when I first saw the contextual icon for, &quot;Take bag off head,&quot; I thought it was the icon for, &quot;Push person over.&quot;  And since the person was standing on the edge of a cliff at the time, I was like, &quot;Jeez, there's no need for that kind of pettiness.  This is hell, not a staff meeting at a failing start-up.&quot;  Eventually I figured it out, but I suspect the basic mechanics weren't terribly well explained to most of the developers either.  &quot;We're doing a stealth game?  I always forget what that means.  I guess it means that, if you try to move quickly past the vagina-face monster, then it hears you and bites your face off, but if you carefully move ''slowly'' past it, then it will ''also'' hear you and chew your throat out.&quot;  Um, no, I think you're missing some of the basic principles there, ''Agony...''  &quot;Oh, right, about those 'hiding places.'  I'm pretty sure I know how this works.  You're running away from vagina-mush, you quickly get into a hiding place, then vagina-mush catches up, spots you instantly, and masticates your nipples off.  Wait! I confused myself; what were we talking about?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117203-ZP-Agony]

=== E3 2018 Round-Up ===
* Bethesda stepped up and said, &quot;Who likes prerendered teasers that tell you fuck-all?&quot; ...Nobody. &quot;Well, nobody's going to like this, then!&quot; And we proceeded to learn precisely ''fuck-all'' about ''Elder Scrolls VI'', ''Starfield'', ''Wolfenstein: Youngblood'', and ''DOOM Eternal''. We did get to see an only slightly less informative, painfully scripted ''Rage 2'' video that I would only call &quot;gameplay footage&quot; because &quot;suffocating yawn-fest&quot; takes slightly longer to type. So someone at Bethesda must have said, &quot;We're making sequels to scrotum-pulverizingly good ''DOOM'' and teabag-squeezingly forgetful ''Rage''; which one would people most want to hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, I think that should be obvious!&quot; &quot;Ha ha! Yes, I suppose it is! ...Aw, fuck! Now I'll look stupid if I ask again!&quot;
* My goodness, Microsoft's conference showcased a lot of games! ''Cyberpunk 2077''? ''Just Cause 4''? ''Metro Exodus''? ''Shadow of the Tomb Raider''? Wow, are those ''all'' Xbox-exclusives, Microsoft?! &quot;Um, no, none of those are, but you can play them on Xbox!&quot; Yes, Microsoft, we could ''hypothetically'' do that.
* I suppose I could mention Ubisoft, but that feels like mentioning the colour of the wallpaper; they're always hanging about in the background, putting out their samey sandboxes with the clockwork regularity of an explosively copious period. New ''Assassin's Creed'', right on cue; set in ancient Greece, which makes sense, because the ancient Greeks were really into buggery. But what made me choke on my sherbet was when the bloke narrating the gameplay video said, &quot;For the first time, you will be able to choose between a male and female hero.&quot; YOU ''WHAT?!'' Am I on crazy pills?! ''Assassin's Creed Syndicate did'' that! What is the ''fucking'' point of doing progressive and innovative things if you're just going to pretend they didn't happen two games later and try to score innovation points a second time?! It's ''not'' &quot;progressive&quot; if you're progressing to the place where we ''already fucking are'', genius! I'm genuinely mad about this; I've got no more room to snark about ''Beyond Good and Evil 2'' now, and it's ''Assassin's Creed: Odyssey'''s fault!

=== [[W:Vampyr (video game)|Vampyr]] ===
* I went for the pacifist run because there was a distinct whiff of moral choice-driven story branching about all this, and my instinct is always to shoot for &quot;best&quot; ending, because it's usually the one that feels like an ending and not like I fucked something up. Vampyr may be an exception, however; it really wants to be a story about a broody vampire tortured by the clash between his urge to kill and his duty to heal, but after I didn't kill anyone, it becomes a story about a perfectly nice, if slightly intense, bloke who doesn't get enough Vitamin D. So the, quote, &quot;good ending&quot; was a bit of a damp squib; one of Reid's vampire pals try to get their melodrama on, going, &quot;Ooh, we are nothing more than killers and our blood is cursed!&quot;, and Reid's all like, &quot;Bollocks we are! I haven't killed shit!&quot; &quot;Oh, so you haven't. Never mind, then; let's get McDonald's.&quot; Now, when Reid ''says'' he hasn't killed shit, he is truncating a little; he should have said, &quot;I haven't killed shit, except for the 500,000 vampire hunters I murdered in standard combat.&quot; Yes, this is the rather glaring incongruity of Vampyr; there's something a little bit hollow about Jonathan Reid's quiet nobility and pacifism when he's just had to ''murder'' twelve identical Cockney thugs on the way back from the chemist.

=== [[w:Octopath Traveler|Octopath Traveler]] ===
* What I find iffy about the whole presentation is that I rarely get a sense that my ragtag bunch of anime misfits are actually interacting with each other. The first part of the game, you tour all the home villages, randomly touching people until one goes, &quot;Hello, random group of strangers! I'm about to embark on a very personal quest that will define the rest of my life! Why not tag along?&quot; And that's your new party member, smilingly joining up with a group of what might be cannibalistic serial tax-dodgers, for all they know, accepting that they're going to have to mutely witness the personal bullshit of seven complete strangers before they come back around to sorting out whatever put a hair up their own arse. It's particularly jarring with characters like Primrose, doing the &quot;I am dishonoured and alone and have nothing left in this world but my quest for violent, bloody revenge&quot; bit, never acknowledging the seven colourful dudes in varying stages of adolescence with whom she shares a sleeping bag every night. It's only right at the end of the game that any connection between the eight stories is established; before that, it's eight separate stories rather than a story about eight people. Every time you go through a new chapter of one party member's story, everyone else just disappears up their butthole for the duration of the cutscene. Sometimes, after a cutscene, a little button prompt comes up, and you can teleport the relevant character and one other party member to the Interaction Dimension, where they discuss what just happened, but I don't see why they couldn't have worked that into the scene; made it look like some actual organic relationship-building was going on, not just a spot of post-match commentary like Statler and fucking Waldorf.

=== Chasm and This Is the Police 2 ===
* [''This Is the Police 2''] has pretensions to cinematic storytelling, but, well... Here's my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene. I mean, I mean, this is me doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, right now. I'm doing it now. Can't you see I'm doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, viewers? Viewers? Viewers? Are you listening, viewers? You need to be listening to understand my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene! I think they're going for an ultra-naturalistic dialogue style, but if realism was the intent, it fell flat, because, realistically, if I were stuck in a conversation like this, I'd stick my head in the nearest bread-slicing machine.

=== [[w:Spider-Man_(2018_video_game)|Spider-Man]] ===
* ''Marvel's Spider-Man'' is of course a new sandbox game about Spider-Man, a genre that has seen one exemplar -- ''[[w:Spider-Man_2_(video_game)|Spider-Man 2]]'' on the GameCube -- and a whole load of Spider-Manure since then.  So let's get straight to the big question:  Is ''Disney's Marvel's Spider-Man '' a better Spider-Man game than ''Spider-Man 2?''  The answer is:  Yye-ees...  And that incidentally was my entry for the 2018 Most Subtext in A Single Syllable competition.
* So let me see if I've got this straight, ''Insomniac Games' Disney's Spider-Man:''  You're going to interrupt your high-octane big-balls web-swinging free-roam superhero power fantasy for the sake of some mandatory forced stealth sections playing as a mundane fuck going on a chest-high wall inspection tour.  And you're doing this so that we ''don't'' get bored.
* The exception to the &quot;no origin stories&quot; rule is Doctor Octopus.  He gets origin story for days.  There's like ninety million plot missions where you just hang around the lab so Dr. Octavius can drop another hint and make another weird face to camera, until you're going, &quot;''For fuck's sake!  We know he's going to be Doctor Octopus!!''  Stop arseing about and bolt some Japanese rape tentacles to this motherfucker!&quot;  ''Marvel's Disney's Sony's Insomniac Games' Stan Lee's Steve Ditko's Giant-Size Man-Thing'' achieves that wonderful quality of ''Spider-Man 2'' in which it was just fun and not a little Zen to while away the afternoon randomly swinging through the streets, stumbling on collectibles and little crimes to foil, which may ultimately be enough.  But I feel like saying it's a really good game is like saying the Bible supports the ostracism of homosexuals:  It's true, but only if you cherry-pick bits of it from the piles and piles of other ''stuff.''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117230-Spider-Man]

=== [[w:Dragon Quest XI|Dragon Quest XI]] ===
* The plot [...] is, you are in Generic JRPG Swords and Sorcery Fantasy World, east of Java; you are the last surviving heir of a deposed royal house who was found as a baby and adopted by peasant farmers. There's a weird birthmark on your hand that magic occasionally comes out of, and you grow into a strong, handsome lad with a girl's haircut, so when you come of age, your adoptive parent takes you aside and says, &quot;Look, let's not beat around the bush; you couldn't be more obviously a destined fantasy hero if your high school graduation picture was painted by Boris Vallejo. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any global crisis going on at the moment that would require a destined hero, so why don't you just wander around the countryside for a bit, and destiny will presumably strike at some point?&quot; I'm not being dismissive here; that's literally how we start! You go to the royal castle on the off-chance that a kidnapped princess needs rescuing, but get thrown in the dungeon 'cos the king's played too many Elder Scrolls games and thinks that's just what you do with destined heroes. You break out within minutes, and the plot becomes &quot;go from city to city looking for the person who isn't one of the five or six endlessly-repeated NPC models, recruit them to your party, then do whatever they want to do until the next one comes along&quot;. By this method, we enlist to our cause a toddler, two hotties, an old man, a comedy stereotype of a homosexual, and an actual homosexual, and after the last party member joins, they say, &quot;What do you mean, 'destiny hasn't struck yet'?! All right, let's just gather the six Destiny Balls; that'll wake the fucker up.&quot; I only had three or four days to play the game in, so I was under no illusion that I'd finish the fucking thing, and I dropped out after the third or fourth ball. About twenty hours in, and still no sign of a big villain; couple of &quot;Darth Vaders&quot;, but no &quot;Palpatines&quot;, you know?

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops 4|Call of Duty: Black Ops 4]] ===
* That was when CoD: BlOps 4 laid its knob across my porridge for the first time: &quot;No single-player campaign.&quot; Well, Activision, as Milorad Petrović said in response to the Invasion of Yugoslavia, &quot;...The fuck?!&quot; &quot;We thought you'd be pleased, Yahtz. Every story campaign of every CoD game you've played in years, you've called racist and overblown and taken straight from what insecure NRA members see when they close their eyes and touch themselves; at least we didn't hire Kit Harington this time!&quot; ''Granted'', but having removed the single-player, are you going to charge less for the game? &quot;Ohohoho, Yahtzee! I can see why people say you're a funny guy!&quot; A ''hundred-and-thirty bucks'', the deluxe version costs!?! As the water treatment engineer said of his favourite outflow pipe: &quot;That's taking a lot of piss!&quot;

=== [[w:Return_of_the_Obra_Dinn|Return of the Obra Dinn]] ===
* The premise is you are an insurance investigator -- Whoa! Slow the fuck down, Lucas Pope!  This roller-coaster's off to a hot start! -- and you come aboard a hitherto lost ship that drifted into English waters with its entire crew apparently suffering from a bad case of not there.
* A degree of general knowledge is required to identify people's nationalities, or what a topman does as opposed to a seaman.  If it helps, topmen are generally concerned with the rigging and what goes on above decks, whereas semen is a white liquid that comes out of your penis when you think about [[w:Jenny_Agutter|Jenny Agutter]] too much.
* It's weird that the music's so annoying when the rest of the sound design is fuckin' top-notch -- voice acting, ambient sound, and especially the little radio plays that accompany the death flashbacks.  I couldn't say for sure if it accurately reproduces the sound of a bloke getting torn in half by a giant calamari platter, but it certainly made me cross my legs uncomfortably.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2018/10/31/zero-punctuation-return-of-the-obra-dinn/]

=== [[w:Fallout 76|Fallout 76]] ===

* People ask me if I worry about the future of the interactive arts in this era of [[w:AAA_(video_game_industry)|triple-A]] being a constant stream of soulless, exploitative knockoffs, but I'm not worried, because we've been here before. At the end of the 90's, games like [[w:Quake III|Quake III]] and [[w:Unreal Tournament|Unreal Tournament]] tried to convince us that we didn't ''really'' want artistic single-player PC games when we could just pay to run on hamster wheels all day, and look what the 2000s brought us. ''[[w:Deus_Ex_(video_game)|Deus Ex]], [[w:Thief II|Thief II]], [[w:BioShock|BioShock]], [[w:Portal_(video_game)|Portal]]''... It's always a ''phase.'' In the long run, the only eternal guarantor of success is a quality product well-made; ideally with tits on the front. The money to be made from knocking off what's popular and exploiting the stupid always dries up eventually, if only because the stupids die out from daring each other to headbutt the ceiling fan.

=== [[w:Red Dead Redemption 2|Red Dead Redemption 2]] ===
* Frankly, ''RDR 2'''s realistic world only impresses me the same way I'd be impressed if you drank a litre of cooking oil, more so by the effort than the wisdom behind it, because so little of what you see and do in ''RDR 2'' is actually fulfilling on a story or challenge level; the horse going &quot;plop-plops&quot; sums it all up nicely. I can't envision a scenario in which a lack of horse plops would knock a half-star off an otherwise-perfect score, but there it is, a drop in an ocean of pointless decadence. And this isn't one line of code, &quot;Horse_plopplops = 1&quot;; someone had to texture and animate it, and troll sound effect libraries for the ideal &quot;plop-plops&quot; sound, and they could've been using that time to cradle their children, or make something creatively fulfilling like ''Obra Dinn''. The fact that someone had to do it for their job makes me think of a restaurant manager loudly humiliating a waiter 'cos he thinks it'll impress the customer; well, it doesn't, Mr. Rockstar, and now I'm going to have to be very cautious about ordering the meatballs.

=== Best/Blandest/Worst of 2018 ===
* So we go straight from worst survival game to best.  Pay attention, every other survival game, because here's how ''Subnautica'' (title drop) stands out from the crowd:  ''Not'' using a focus on exploration and crafting as an excuse to skimp on good story; a beautiful exotic world so utterly hostile that you'll want to keep surviving largely out of spite; and, most importantly, ''no other cocking human players!''  Human contact is like Joss Whedon's ''Firefly;'' I tried it once or twice, but it's not really my thing.
* ''Rise of The Tomb Raider'' was my third most mediocre game of 2015, and now ''Shadow of The Tomb Raider'' has made it proud by hitting the number two spot.  Now that the reboot trilogy has finished ''sandblasting'' the personality off Laura Croft, any chance we could go back to the old one?  She might have been constantly pouting like she was trying to conceal an entire Portuguese man o' war in her mouth, but at least that was a facial expression of ''some kind.''
* The worst game of 2018 was, like the devil and weird sex practices, known by many names:  The Seven-Hour Snore, Hunt Down the Refund, Shit Down the Piss-Shit...  Call it whatever you like!  Just never forget what ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' was and what it represented:  A cringe-fest that unstitched its thoughtless patchwork of stolen assets to whip out its deseased knob and dispense blood-flecked urine all over a once-top-rate franchise with the tacit approval of its creator!  ''Fuck,'' man, what else is there to say?  I suppose I could say &quot;fuck&quot; again...  No, that's the wrong attitude.  It's a new year, after all.  Let's move on from the past and focus on what the future will bring.  [a copy of ''Super Smash Bros. Ultimate'' appears]  ''...FUCK!''

=== [[w:Super_Smash_Bros._Ultimate|Super Smash Bros. Ultimate]] ===
* So I asked myself how I would feel about a fighting game populated with all ''my'' favorite characters -- a game in which [[w:Modesty_Blaise|Modesty Blaise]] and [[w:Kira_Nerys|Major Kira]] can team up to bring down [[w:Horatio_Hornblower|Horatio Hornblower]] and the [[w:Riddler#Batman:_Arkham|Arkhamverse Riddler]].  And yes, I suppose I would get a kick out of that, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to who didn't know the characters.  It would only be the superficial appearance of Modesty Blaise with none of the nuances from the comic strip that make her a great character -- the personality, the backstory, the surprising amount of gratuitous nudity.  Actually, Smash Bros. has a close equivalent to that with Bayonetta and, sure enough, little of that character's actual personality is conveyed.  She's even depicted with realistic human proportions, which kinda threw me.
* At its core, it's about the combat, and yeah, it's Smash Brothers.  You mash buttons, and hope all those particle effects are coming out of them and not you.  Every now and again, your tiny opponent gestures vaguely with a limb that's like two pixels big on screen, and you promptly get blasted into the cosmos and you're left wondering what the fuck ''that'' was and how you were supposed to predict it.  So for a while, I was struggling along, not having much fun, but everything abruptly changed after I unlocked Donkey Kong, who I proceeded to exclusively play as.  Why?  Because A) He's big and cartoon-y enough that you can actually read his fucking movements; and B) he has this one attack that I like to call, &quot;Fuck Off I Win (Ook Ook),&quot; where he slaps the ground and everyone in a ten yard radius explodes.  I ended up challenging myself not to use it, because I jerk off sailors for nickels and even I thought it was cheap.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/09/super-smash-bros-ultimate/]

=== [[w:Gris_(video_game)|Gris]] and [[w:Ashen_(2018_video_game)|Ashen]] ===
* And that's why it's time for the first indie double-bill of the year.  Gratifyingly for my love of connecting themes, both games are named after a word that means, &quot;grey.&quot;  Not only that, but they're both words that mean &quot;grey&quot; that you might use if you're a pretentious twat.  Or French...  For all the difference that makes.
* ''Gris'' is a platformer.  There! I've just described the game about nine times more efficiently than the blurb on ''Gris'''s Steam page, which describes it as, &quot;A serene and evocative experience about pain and an atmospheric journey through sorrow.&quot;  ''It's a fuckin' platformer, all right??''
* It'd be a good scam, wouldn't it, claiming that we're playing co-op with uncommunicative humans indistinguishable from NPCs.  It'd be like an inverse of the Dumbo's Magic Feather trick.  &quot;Maybe I could have beaten that dungeon if the other guy hadn't been such a fuck-up.&quot;  &quot;Ha-hah! Don't you see?  There ''was'' no other guy!  The fuck-up was in ''you'' all along!&quot;  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/16/zero-puncuation-gris-and-ashen/]

=== [[w:Katamari_Damacy|Katamari Damacy Reroll]] ===
* Hi, I'm Yahtzee Croshaw, super-casual game reviewer!  What's that, games industry?  No new games of interest?  That's cool; we're all ''super-caj'' here.  Have a fun-size Twix.  Yeah, so I finally finished ''[[w:Celeste_(video_game)|Celeste]]'' this week.  I've been playing it ''super-caj'' style for about an hour every three months, and yeah, it certainly is a game.  It was okay, I dunno...  The way people were banging on about it all year, I was expecting it to fire streamers and ticker tape out of its nipples.  It's just like the ''[[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Senua's Sacrifice]]'' thing where the main character has a mental illness and therefore it's a masterpiece, and if you think otherwise, you're Hitler.  Oh, you ''are'' Hitler!  Well, that's cool; I'm ''super-caj.''  Have a Twix.  ''Heyyyyyyyy...''
* ''Katamari Damacy'''s greatness lies in the simplicity of its concept and the unrivalled catharsis in its execution.  You start out with pathetic laughable sticky balls that can just about pick up drawing pins and which get gleefully batted about by the cats that patrol the living room.  But then a few minutes later, after you're done hoovering up the garden furniture, you come back, and there's something very rewarding about seeing an exclamation mark appear above the head of a cat that once bullied you.  ''&quot;I see you remember me, Mr. Whiskers!&quot;''  After all, what good are sticky balls if you can't crush pussy.

=== [[w:Kingdom Hearts III|Kingdom Hearts III]] ===
* Here is my impression of a Kingdom Hearts character going to the toilet: &quot;Ooh!&quot; &quot;What is it?&quot; &quot;I think I need the toilet!&quot; &quot;Hmm... Hey, look! Isn't that a toilet over there?&quot; &quot;Right! Let's get going!&quot; Break into a sprint, bloke in a black trench coat appears, everyone stops dead. &quot;I wouldn't do that if I were you.&quot; &quot;What!? The Organization!? Why shouldn't we go to the toilet!?&quot; &quot;Simply because... I just did a very big poo in that toilet.&quot; &quot;Huh!?&quot; &quot;Gawrsh, if he did a very big poo in the toilet, it probably still smells!&quot; &quot;It doesn't matter.&quot; &quot;Hm?&quot; &quot;As long as we're together, we can take on the smell of any poo! That's what friendship is all about!&quot;
* I didn't expect to finish ''Kingdom Hearts III'' in the time I had, so I had just set out to play until I knew my opinion wasn't going to change, and that moment came at the Winnie the Pooh section. In-between two of the actual levels, it suddenly becomes important that Sora investigate why he's not on the cover of a Winnie the Pooh book; wasn't sure why he felt he should be, except his general sense of being the centre of the fucking universe, but then we go to the Hundred Acre Wood, and it turns out everything's fine and they just wanted to hang out, although they won't let you leave until you've played some insipid colour-matching games. Sorry, why was this important? Is the plot ''seriously'' being held hostage by Winnie the ''Fucking'' Pooh?!

=== [[w:Metro Exodus|Metro Exodus]] ===
* [Artyom] eventually discovers the hidden truth that parts of the world besides Moscow are still inhabitable and inhabited. In fact, most of it is, apparently, and Moscow has just been deliberately isolated by paranoid militants this whole time. Now, I'd never be so hyperbolic as to say that this fundamentally ruins the ''Metro'' series, or pisses on it, or leaves its hollowed-out corpse in an alley with an asshole like a rusty tuba, but it does mean that if I get around to replaying the first two ''Metros'', I'm going to feel pretty fucking stupid throughout as I appreciate the horrific, lonely atmosphere of a dead world and the uplifting moments of pure humanity in a seemingly hopeless situation, now knowing that there are fucking beach parties going on a half an hour up the motorway.

=== [[w:Far Cry New Dawn|Far Cry New Dawn]] ===
* The smug, charismatic psycho ''du jour'', the Twins, are definitely among the least effective or interesting villains ''Far Cry'' has produced; they come across like former stars of a 90's children's sitcom that went off the deep end: certainly hateable, but with no complexity or agenda besides wanting to laze around, living off other people's hard work. (Bloody typical of young people today, am I right?!) The only reason the Twins have any power seems to be that people like the main protagonist keep getting inexplicable brain farts in their presence; there's one bit where we're headed to a building to confront the Twins, and the Twins give us a ring when we're outside and say, &quot;Hey, put all your guns in that bag and then come in and handcuff yourself to the ceiling,&quot; and we're given no choice but to obey. Hypothesize with me, Captain Protagonist Person: what if we just didn't do that? What possible consequence do you think there would be if bursting in guns blazing? &quot;Oh, no! They might say something very fucking sassy before I blow their jawbones off with an LMG and leave their tongues to waggle like used condoms on an extractor fan!&quot;

=== [[w:Anthem_(video_game)|Anthem]] ===
* I imagine that working for EA must be rather like living with a toddler, drunk person, or [[w:Donald_Trump|&quot;President&quot; of The United States]].  Imagine BioWare's plight:  &quot;Well, now that you spent all that money getting the Star Wars license, we ''did'' make ''Knights of The Old Republic'' back in the day, so perhaps we could...&quot;  '''&quot;NO!  hATe StAR WarS!  sTaR waRS IS bOriNG!  CANceL aLL tHE STaR wARS!  I wANt THAT!&quot;'''  &quot;You want what?&quot;  '''''&quot;i WANt tHAt!&quot;'''''  &quot;What, ''[[w:Destiny_(video_game)|Destiny]]?''&quot;  '''&quot;YeS!  I wanT ThING thaT LOOks LikE ''Halo'' wiTH sOmEHoW eVEn LeSS peRSonALiTY!'''  &quot;Well, you can't have ''Destiny;'' it's owned by Activision/Blizzard.&quot;  '''''&quot;AaAAaGGgH-waAAgGgHH-WaaAGggHhh...!&quot;'''''  &quot;''All right, all right!''  I suppose we could make something that's a lot like ''Destiny.''  I mean, mindless online-only looty-shootys aren't really our thing; we're more about character-based role-play...  Oh, dear, ''please'' stop holding your breath, EA!  Look!  We made our own version of ''Destiny!''  It's called ''Anthem!''&quot;  '''&quot;UGH!  HaTE iT!  YoUR'e aLL fiREd!  WHy diDN't yOu mAKE a StaR wArs gAME?&quot;'''
*Meanwhile, show up at Gameplay Land and ask if it would be possible to play single-player, and the game reacts like you sat down at an expensive restaurant and ordered a bowl of corn flakes. You go to the &quot;Privacy Settings&quot; - once you can find the fucking things, 'cos this game has a worse menu system than a McDonald's drive-thru after a major earthquake - What is it with ultra-AAA games having shitty interfaces these days? Is it the same principle by which Las Vegas casinos are laid out, to get you lost and unable to glimpse the Sun in the hope that you get confused and accidentally drop all your money? - and your options are &quot;Public Match&quot;, as God intended, or &quot;Private Match&quot; for big stupid losers. Then, when you set it to &quot;private&quot; and try to start solo, a window pops up saying, &quot;Hehehe, sorry! Someone's CLEARLY made a dreadful mistake! Surely, you don't actually want to play a solo private match? Just click here and we'll set it back to public play so you can rejoin all the NORMAL PEOPLE!&quot; But I didn't click that, and then the tip on the fucking loading screen was something about how playing multiplayer earns more rewards and doesn't make the little baby Jesus cry. What the fuck is this, guys?! Am I on suicide watch?!
* ...The gameplay clearly exists on sufferance, and yet the main story is still surprisingly short and padded out.  The bit where you can't continue the plot until you complete a checklist of arbitrary gameplay grinds springs to mind -- a very poorly explained checklist at that.  &quot;Get five multikills.&quot;  What the fuck's a multikill, ''Anthem?''  &quot;Well, what do you think it is?&quot;  Erm...  Killing more than two enemies with one grenade?  &quot;Oh, good guess!  Wrong, though.&quot;

=== [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division_2|The Division 2]] ===
* But as we settle in to the primary gameplay loop of ''The [[w:Devotion_(video_game)|Devotion]] 2'', we see precisely how it intends to carry on the series legacy of staring existential horror.  As you connect with a safe house and a list of numbered objectives appear in the corner of the screen, knowing that all of them will entail the exact same thing -- walking into yet another exhaustively decorated large room full of chest-high walls, taking up position and waiting for another parade of identical generic bad guys to inexplicably leap out of cover in turn so you can pop them in the face -- and then you will grasp the true horror of your existence, that you willingly paid money to play what is essentially a right-wing gun enthusiast's version of Fifty-Two Pickup for potentially the rest of your life.  And in that, ''The Devotion 2'' is a true sequel to the previous...  ''[Yahtzee impatiently turns to the imp who has just appeared]''  What!?  What do you want?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  Well, what is it a sequel to, then?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  What, the [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division|''boring'' one]]?  ''[*whisper*]''  Actually, that does make more sense.  Sorry, everyone, little misunderstanding; I'll have to start again. ''(*ahem*)''  Boring Tom Clancy Ubisoft Sandbox 2 is another The Division.  Oh, bugger! I've confused myself.
* You shoot bullets at the enemies to make their health ''number'' go down, so you can chip at your arbitrary ''number'' of objectives, and find gear to improve your '''numbers'''  in rooms with very large '''''numbers''''' of chest-high walls...  Some day they're going to refine this all down and make a game where all you do is press plus-one on a calculator until you reach the arbitrary point that makes a nearby person's chest cavity explode, and your calculator gets slightly bigger.  It'll make ''billions.''

=== [[w:Yoshi's Crafted World|Yoshi's Crafted World]] ===
* I must confess, listeners, that I'm a little bit biased against ''Yoshi's Island'' and its present-day derivatives; of all the chapters of what we might as well call the &quot;Original Mario Canon&quot;, I like ''Yoshi's Island'' the least, not just because listening to Baby Mario cry made me want to vaccinate him against continuing to be alive, not just because of the questionable way in which Yoshi would swallow enemies and then poo them out of his implied cloaca, not even because the aiming controls were shit (and still are shit, despite them no longer having the excuse that the controller isn't full of unused buttons and analogue sticks all hankering to muck in like a bunch of guilt-stricken white people at an African house-building project). No, the main reason ''Yoshi's Island'' sits poorly with me is that it introduced to a hitherto-perfectly straightforward series of platformers the idea that there can be degrees of success. See, in ''Mario World'', you can crawl across the finish line as tiny Mario with shards of tortoise shell lodged in your face, or you can break the tape with the tip of your giant powered-up stiffy, and either counts equally as a win; you can find your own level of success. But ''Yoshi's Island'' doesn't tick the level off as &quot;properly&quot; done until you find all the invisible secret places and end it with full health, and thus began video gaming's dark history of exploiting the &quot;obsessive instinct&quot;, something that set the path that led us all the way to our current apocalyptic age of live service loot box labouring; all it took was for one cunt to realize that that sense of fulfilment one gets from the &quot;Level 100% Completed&quot; jingle is something people might conceivably pay extra for, a cunt who will one day be remembered alongside the dude who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS.
* &quot;Mummy, can I watch this funny Internet video about my favorite ''Yoshi'' game?&quot; &quot;Of course, darling! There's hardly likely to be a reference to the dude that fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS!&quot;

=== [[w:Days Gone|Days Gone]] ===
* Of all the video game protagonists I've been unreasonably obliged to identify with, I struggle to think of one I dislike more than Deacon St. John. Even Jeffrey Cuddletrousers from ''Hatred'' at least had some fucking ambition in life. At least he knew how to express himself, and didn't just mumble into his shoes all the time. He didn't sulk and whine every time someone asked him to do something, like a teenager when the bins need putting out. And he didn't passive-aggressively criticize them under his breath the moment their backs were turned; he'd mainly just stab them in the face and shit. But the developers apparently thought Deacon St. John's &quot;dynamic&quot; personality needed to be a constant presence, so he has to comment on ''fucking everything''. &quot;Oh, I picked up a bottle. Another Molotov is it? Yawn!&quot; And another thing; stop second guessing my intentions, Deacon St. John! I walk two feet out of a zombie clear-out zone, and you go &quot;Ooh, I guess I'll finish clearing it out later, then...&quot; You'd like that, wouldn't you, ''you lazy bastard!?'' What was your job at that biker gang you used to be in? 'Cause I think it must have been taste tasting the crystal meth.

=== [[w:Close to the Sun (video game)|Close to the Sun]] ===
* Frankly, I think ''Close to the Sun'' presents a cautionary tale. If you're going to knock something off, maybe pick something that isn't really good and made by more competent people than you. Why not try to make, say, ''Ride To Hell'', but actually functional, and consequently infinitely less interesting? And then re-name it something like ''Days Gone''.

=== [[w:Rage 2|Rage 2]] ===
* So Rage 1 was a pudding-y fart in an overcrowded swimming pool, and Bethesda must've said to id, &quot;All right, fine, just make Doom.&quot; So they made Doom, and it kicked arse, and then they were like, &quot;Great! We've figured it out! Now let's make another Rage!&quot; Why?! Why are we still bothering with Rage?! And why do you have a black eye? &quot;I walked into a door. I mean, because it's a post-apocalypse story that desperately needs to be told, that's why! Now, let's make Rage 2, and they're definitely not making me say this!&quot; Well, let's give Rage 2 a chance; I mean, there might be a few things that a shoot-y drive-y post-apocalypse sandbox can do with the color magenta that Far Cry New Dawn didn't already do this year.

=== E3 2019 ===
* Funny, isn't it, how whenever a game talks about being &quot;over-the-top&quot; or &quot;tongue-in-cheek&quot;, it always seems to mean the same thing these days: that it's going to look like an irresponsibly violent version of ''Jet Set Radio''? Probably cel-shaded, every character's introduced with a freeze-frame profile and dresses like a Tank Girl cosplayer with colour blindness, and a lot of things will be magenta. Oh, yeah, and there'll be a panda, for some reason.
* But let's get on to some of the bigger stuff, like, for example, the giant dribbling cock that Square Enix tripped and broke its nose on, the one with &quot;Avengers&quot; written along the side. With ''[[w:Avengers: Endgame|Avengers: Endgame]]'' and the very distinct appearances of the main actors still fresh in public memory, wheeling out a game starring their stunt doubles left everyone a bit nonplussed, at best. &quot;Oh, come on, Yahtz! The cost of the likeness rights for these people could've paid for four more years of mysteriously-silent ''Final Fantasy VII'' development!&quot; Oh, fair enough, Square Enix; just show us how the Avengers game plays, then. &quot;Mmmmmm... No.&quot;

=== [[w:Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night|Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night]] ===
* I hope ''Bloodstained'' realizes what it has done; all we needed was a few more disappointing fuck-ups, a few more ''Mighty No. 9''s, ''Yooka-Laylees'', ''Broken Age''s, and maybe we could've all been completely soured to the Kickstarted retro callback. &quot;Oh, maybe it isn't healthy to never want to leave our youthful comfort zones,&quot; we could've all said. &quot;Maybe we should be open to new thoughts and ideas, for just as the gene pool requires variance, so too does art need a diversity of new concepts to avoid stagnation and producing nothing but the cultural equivalent of harelips and webbed toes.&quot; And you fucked that up, ''Bloodstained'', by proving the system can actually work, and now it's going to be Kickstarted remakes of ''Custer's Revenge'' as far as the eye can see. If you want a picture of the future, imagine General Custer's lovingly-rendered shiny bell-end slapping a human face - forever.

=== [[w:My_Friend_Pedro|My Friend Pedro]] and [[w:Sea_of_Solitude|Sea of Solitude]] ===
* I want to emphasize, though, that the core combat is really good.  I smash through a window on a skateboard, kick the same skateboard into somebody's eye socket, backflip over his friend shooting two guys at once, kick a frying pan into the air and shoot at it so the bullets ricochet into three other guys who were in cover and apparently left under some mad idea that it was in their power to stop me, and then, for the first time since initially entering the room, I touch the floor.
* It also does the thing where it goes, &quot;Oh, look, a sewer level.  How original.&quot; (*roll eyes*)  And then proceeds to unironically have a sewer level, that goes on way too fucking long.  '''If''' you '''know''' it's '''bad''', '''why are''' you '''doing''' it?  Surely the comedic subversive thing to do would be to ''pretend'' we're having a sewer level, and then go, &quot;Oh, bollocks to this hackneyed shit!  Let's have a level where you ride an ostrich through a bouncy castle!&quot;
* ''Sea of Solitude'' is one of those games that's either going to really speak to you, or completely leave you cold.  It'll all depend on whether you personally relate to Kay or not, and the more I played, the more I disliked her.  Not because she was an inattentive sister or any of the other reasons the game gives for why she's tormenting herself like this.  It's because she's such a fucking self-absorbed drama queen, she'll craft a grand operatic scenario out of her interpersonal relationship issues.  &quot;Oh no!  I didn't give my depressed boyfriend enough space!  Verily must I be clothed in the rainments of the traitor and banish myself to the wine-dark seas of nothingness to dwell forevermore.&quot;  ''JUST STOP TEXTING HIM SO MUCH, YA DIPPY MOO!''

=== [[w:Acclaim Entertainment|Acclaim Entertainment]] Hall of Shame ===
* It started in 2002 when, in the run-up to the release of horror-themed action-adventure ''Shadow Man 2'', Acclaim announced that they would pay the funeral costs of anyone willing to put a Shadow Man 2 advert on the headstone of a deceased relative, prompting public outcry and the Church of England basically telling them to piss off. Yes, Church of &quot;Tea and Crumpets with the Vicar&quot; England! Takes a lot to upset those lads; they don't even hate gays that much. Now, in my research, the name &quot;Steve Perry&quot; came up a lot; apparently, he was the executive coming up with these ideas, but I find it hard to believe that one person could be entirely to blame. Sure, I can see one executive descending from a cocaine-induced trance to announce, &quot;Hey, I know what demographic we should target: the recently bereaved!&quot;; what I have trouble picturing is the roomful of colleagues that then replied, &quot;Yes, we agree! What a good idea; let's action it!&quot; without subsequently making hasty, sarcastic eye-rolls at whoever was keeping the minutes. Later the same year, Acclaim promoted the resoundingly mediocre ''Turok: Evolution'' by offering a sack of cash to anyone who was willing to christen their newborn baby &quot;Turok&quot;, apparently shifting their demographic focus to the other end of the scale.
* Now, one might reasonably say at this point, &quot;Surely, it wasn't a serious offer to let new parents cash in on their future bullying victims! Surely, these were just shock tactics to grab headlines, the way a graffiti artist just wants attention and doesn't literally want to fuck the police! I mean, to be serious, there aren't enough hours in the day.&quot; Well, Acclaim would always insist these were genuine offers when pressed, and therefore, they must've been by the Universal Law of No Take-Backsies, but they also claim that the baby name idea was taken from a marketing expert named Simeon Cantrell who, it turned out, didn't exist; who wrote a book whose ISBN number, in truth, belonged to a book of children's knock-knock jokes. All of which indicates that at least one person at Acclaim was treating this as a big, ironic gag that would send them laughing all the way to the bank, but Acclaim was still losing money, so it was more like a forced chuckle all the way to the dole office.

=== [[w:Rebel Galaxy Outlaw|Rebel Galaxy Outlaw]] ===
* Back before ''[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]'' finished itself off with all the grace and elegance of the last season of ''[[w:Game of Thrones|Game of Thrones]]'' wanking into a bin, whenever I played one of those games, it always struck me how you only ever saw that universe from the top of the social heap; from the perspective of a universally famous and respected galactic saviour who could swan about on the best ship ever, decking journalists with impunity and being extremely flighty about what his favourite store on the Citadel is. I always wondered what the ''Mass Effect'' universe was like to the average fuck, just about qualified to reverse their space van out of their own space driveway and deliver crates of flavourless nutrient paste to the worker cubes; how did they feel about Commander Shepard? Were they happy with the flavour of ice cream they got at the end of ''[[w:Mass Effect 3|Mass Effect 3]]''? Well, I guess we'll never know now, since after ''[[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]]'', more ''Mass Effect'' is about as hotly demanded as the ''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]] Bumper Fun Activity Book for Kids''.

=== Remnant: From The Ashes ===
*''Remnant (huurk) From the Ashes'' is a third-person action-adventure with a grim tone set in a dying world- it's a ''Dark Souls'' clone, isn't it? &quot;Yes, Yahtzee, that's why we thought you would like it, since you feel about Dark Souls the way a starving tiger feels about something tigers particularly enjoy eating!&quot; Yeah, but it feels like half the original IPs these days are Dark Souls clones. You're like grandparents, you are; I show up to your house in orange trousers one fucking time and now you get me a new pair of orange trousers every fucking Christmas. So come on then, what's this one's gimmick? &quot;Well, it's ''Dark Souls'', but with guns!&quot; So, ''Bloodborne'', then? &quot;''NO'', SHUT UP! It's ''Dark Souls'' with a full-on third-person shooter: over-the-shoulder, iron sights, the whole steaming cow pat.&quot; So, it's Dark Souls but combined with the other 50% of every game that comes out these days?

=== [[w:Gears_5|Gears 5]] ===
* Well, anyway, the war against the Locust, I mean the Lambent, I mean the Swarm, I mean actually I think it's the Locust again now, continues, and is showing no sign of clearing up because this game ends on an unsatisfying cliffhanger.  I guess Microsoft are still paying off the death-ray satellite.
* Want to know how to do a ''Gears of War'' witticism?  Step One: Say something relevant but completely obvious, to stir the players from the latest trance the combat put them into.  Step Two:  Continue talking uselessly until I hate you: &quot;We need to go over there, and by 'over there,' I mean towards that big scary building full of enemies.&quot;  &quot;Oh, great.  So what's the ''good'' news?&quot;  &quot;Well, the good news is that I'm very handsome and glib and...&quot;  '''''SHUT THE FUCK UUuuUUuuUP!!'''''  &quot;...Okay, but by &quot;shut the fuck up,&quot; do you mean...?&quot;  '''''OH, MY GOD!!'''''  Why can't you just accept that Joss Whedon will never hire you? [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/09/25/gears-5-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Contra: Rogue Corps|Contra: Rogue Corps]] ===
* Set after the alien wars depicted in the retro ''Contras'', ''Contra: Rogue Corps'' is concerned with a mysterious alien city that rises from the ruins, which is supposed to be full of treasure that we assuredly want, but doesn't seem to be doing anything besides sitting there and having treasure and monsters, which is a classic example of a &quot;non-plot.&quot; A depressingly common setting for live-service multiplayer video games: A plot with no active villain, or ticking clock, or clear solution, just an environment with a sense of permanent, non-specific peril that can never change or develop for fear that XxNobChopsxX might stop his grindy, 8-hour quest to make themselves able to grind 1.8% more efficiently.
* Between missions, we go back to home base and have to deal with the &quot;looty&quot; half of &quot;looty-shooty&quot; by laboriously sorting through our latest crop of equips and weapon add-ons that apply completely mystifying upgrades. &quot;+5% defence against generic damage&quot;? What the fuck is &quot;generic&quot; damage? Damage that basically does the job but isn't focused on innovating at this time?

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Breakpoint|Ghost Recon Breakpoint]] ===
* ...Let's not forget, you can buy what's termed &quot;timesavers&quot;; so first we buy your game, Ubisoft, and then you charge us more money to not have to play it? If I paid double price up front, would you just not give it to me at all? Take a step back, people, because this has all gotten way too fucking normalized. When you charge money for something you can produce infinitely at zero cost, like in-game currency, that's not a service; that is the fucking death of economics as a concept. How the fuck did we get here from basic principles of trade?! It's like walking up to a dude in the stocks in the village square and saying, &quot;If you give me three turnips, I'll spit in your face.&quot;

=== [[w:Indivisible (video game)|Indivisible]] ===
* The plot concerns the infuriatingly awkwardly-spelled Ajna, a spunky teenage girl in a ''[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni no Kuni]]''-esque dog's breakfast fantasy world where forest villages and steampunk cities rub shoulders like slightly-acquainted colleagues in an undersized lift, who has been trained as a fighter from birth by her stern dad, and has only just established her protagonist credentials when she returns to her forest village to find it being forest pillaged by an imperialist army of baddies, and her stern dad has been made stone dead. Yeah, I'm guessing you weren't shooting for the &quot;Creative Writing&quot; prize, were you, Lab Zero? Shall I put us down for &quot;Standard RPG Fantasy Package A-12&quot;, then? Please direct me to the first of the several teenagers we will be enlisting to aid us in murdering God. Still, we're thrown a bit of a curveball early on when, while fighting the Imperial soldier who stone-deaded our stern dad, said soldier inexplicably turns into a spirit and is absorbed by Ajna's consciousness, 'cause it turns out Ajna has a secret god power that lets her draw people into herself and then get them to fight for her; sort of like ''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]'', but with human beings, and therefore, somehow even more ethically questionable.
* The problem is, there's a moment in the game - and it's remarkable how finely I can pinpoint it - where an invisible lever gets thrown and the bottom drops out, and it stops being fun. It's about the point when you meet the pirate lesbian, and the world opens up, and you know we're in trouble when a pirate lesbian marks anything but an upturn in events. The problem is in the numbers; I don't know if they were originally making another fighting game and just got bored, but that might explain the ridiculous number of party members you get. This is some ''[[w:Chrono Cross|Chrono Cross]]''-level shit; the primest real estate in the world is a teenage girl's noggin, apparently, and Ajna's beating the tenants off with a stick. But the combat isn't very deep, and all that really matters is doing the most damage as fast as you can, so you might as well just find four guys you like and stick with them. And post-pirate lesbian, something goes horribly wrong with the enemy's stats; I went into battle with a small, unassuming frog, bum-bounced them between my four lads for twenty minutes, then in that awkward post-coital cigarette-break while I wait for everyone's bars to refill, I realized that the frog still had nine-tenths of their health bar left. ''I hit that frog 400 times!'' In a sane world, they would no longer have more than one dimension, ''let alone health points!'' And they couldn't do much damage to me, either, so now I'm just disinterestedly doing my super-combo six times to kill ''one'' fucking frog! I feel like [[w:Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninoff]] playing for pocket change in a dive bar, and the crowd won't stop requesting &quot;[[w:Free Bird|Free Bird]]&quot;.

=== [[w:The Outer Worlds|The Outer Worlds]] ===
* The Obsidian-brand depth of player choice is here; you can even side with the corporations if you want, but they are both evil and failing horribly, so it's like betting on [[w:Nazi Germany|the Nazis]] to win World War II even as [[w:Magda Goebbels|Magda Goebbels]] is biting down on her suicide pill.

=== 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup ===
* Deck13's &quot;sci-fi ''Dark Souls'' with industrial lifting equipment&quot; returns with better parrying mechanics and not so much cripple torture porn, finally raising the series to the dizzy heights of &quot;basically okay&quot;. I think I'm already seeing the inherent issue with this video's premise: most games that I didn't feel like reviewing when they came out were just &quot;fine&quot;. It's hard to get your bile churning about something that's &quot;fine&quot;, but I'll give it a go: &quot;Urgh, [''{{w|The Surge 2}}'']! Your level design is so fucking mildly confusing, it makes me want to vomit diarrhea out of my nose! And oh God, if I have to fight another fucking generic dude with misplaced {{w|IKEA}} parts glued to their armpits, I'm going to, erm... shit earwax out of my piss-hole.&quot;

* [''{{w|Code Vein}}''] is another Souls-like with combat that's generally FINE and boring level design, but it has one thing that makes it notable: it's the most {{w|anime}} game I've ever played. This is a game where the character customizer has 90 billion hairdos and two noses; a game where one of the facilities in your home base is a {{w|onsen|hot spring}}, and if you get in it, female characters will show up in skimpy towels. This is a thing that happens. It built a {{w|fan service}} hot springs episode into its fucking mechanics! And after the second main boss in a row was a giant demonic stripper with their {{w|breast physics|juicy jugs flapping about}}, I made the decision to stop playing before my {{w|Amazon (company)|Amazon}} recommendations became too embarrassing.

* [''[[w:Outer Wilds|Outer Wilds]]'']'s nice when you're roaming the skies with a song in your heart. It's less nice you're lost in an underground labyrinth trying to find a fucking outpost you found two loops ago, but couldn't finish exploring because you misfired your jetpack, fell, broke both your legs and then the sun exploded. It's a game that can simultaneously be very chilled out and very demoralizing. Like going bankrupt because you blew all your money on BBC nature documentaries.

=== 2019 Best, Worst, and Blandest ===
* And so ends the year Two Thousand Nineteen / What a cascade of failure and pain it has been / Out came the games to not that much cheer / But lots of hostility, and yawning, and sneers / That made all the publishers recoil in fear / And push back the games that looked good to next year / But no amount of pushback would have been enough / To lift our poor industry out of the trough / Of artless, 'sploitational, grind-a-thon guff / Of loot-box live service, and all of that stuff / But anyway, to close out Two Thousand Nineteen / The best, and the worst, and the blandest I've seen.
* I was hesitant to reward ''Bloodstained'' just for being ''Castlevania: Symphony of The Night'', but it isn't that, really.  What it is is exactly what I wanted: For ''Castlevania'' to stop pissing about and pack all the good ideas it's had into one game that we can finally call good without qualification.  &quot;Okay, but I can I make the protagonist wear a silly hat?&quot;  Yes, Koji Igarashi, have all the silly hats you want.  &quot;I will!&quot;
* ''Anthem'' is mind-numbing live service tosh with fewer original ideas than a BBC daytime television commissioner, but that's not why it's topping my &quot;blandest&quot; list.  The real reason?  Because while I was writing down the obvious candidates -- ''Days Gone'', ''Ghost Recon'' -- I suddenly noticed ''Anthem'' on the list of 2019 releases, and thought, &quot;Huh.  I completely forgot about that.&quot;  And ''that'', viewers, is what gives you the edge in a mediocrity contest.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019-best-worst-and-blandest-zero-punctuation/]

=== The 2010s' Most Significant Games ===
* The history of gaming in the 2010s could theoretically be told entirely in open world games. If I were to pick that represents them all, I'd probably go for ''Far Cry 3'', which was pretty good, but it was where an unpleasant trend was being to crystallise - the sandbox game becoming less &quot;open-ended cathartic adventure&quot; than &quot;gigantic, three-dimensional checklist of busywork&quot;, its maps splattered with identical, copy-pasted challenges and collectibles designed mainly to torment the obsessive-compulsive, with a primary gameplay loop best summarized as &quot;tidying up&quot;. Where the stories gradually devolved into withered strands of linear tutorial missions that don't even have proper endings, 'cos we have to go straight back to the sandbox afterwards to hunt for the remaining five hundred sliver pinecones.

=== [[w:MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries|MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries]] &amp; [[w:Wattam|Wattam]] ===
* Wattam's blurb states that it's a game about friendship, but I don't agree that it is. What this game is really saying is that the only way to be accepted by society and your peers is to blindly follow instructions, and that if someone chews you up and shits you out you should just be grateful for the attention. So apparently it’s a metaphor for your first job after leaving college.

=== [[w:The_Walking_Dead:_Saints_%26_Sinners|The Walking Dead: Saints &amp; Sinners]] ===
* If I'm serious about VR being good and the way forward for immersive gaming -- and I should stress I do genuinely think that; people tell me they often can't tell if I'm being sarcastic because I have what's medically known as Resting Bitch Voice -- then, like the [[w:Coronavirus|coronavirus]], we'd all better get used to hearing about it.
* The first area in which ''The Walking Dead: Baits &amp; Switches'' exceeds ''Boneworks'' is story, because it actually fucking has one.  The city of New Orleans has been classically zombie-apocalypsed, and catastrophically flooded as well -- although apparently that was unrelated.  That was just, y'know, Tuesday.
* But somehow they [the weapons] don't have the same satisfying feel.  It's the little things.  It's the sound; it's the slides being a bit more finicky.  It's the way ammunition doesn't go in to the gun so much as disappear the moment it's vaguely near it:  &quot;GUN-TOR ACCEPTS YOUR SACRIFICE!  (*om-nom-nom-nom-nom!*)  YOU ARE GRANTED A BOON OF SIX MORE DEAD CUNTS!&quot;

=== [[w:Dreams (video game)|Dreams]] ===
* I made sure to leave a like on the small number of games that I felt got into the right spirit of things, offering nice straightforward gameplay loops, occasionally even original ones, and as I looked around at the colourful menus and the careful curation algorithms at work, I found myself thinking &quot;Y'know, it'll be a real shame when this all gets taken over by perverts.&quot; These things always are, Media Molecule. The ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' fans are the warning sign. Now Sonic fans aren't necessarily perverts, basketball players aren't necessarily tall but it fucking helps. Sooner or later they bring in that one character who's a bat with tits and the furries have got a foot in your door. Remember ''[[w:Second Life|Second Life]]''? Once a lovely wholesome attempt at a community-created online world of pure imagination, now just zebra dicks and yiff piles as far as the eye can see. The earnest creators will all return or graduate to more efficient systems once the novelty wears off and then all your fancy 3D art tools are so much fantasy penis shaping equipment. What're you gonna do, screen all incoming content for the rest of your fucking life? Smarter and more dedicated people than you have tried to hold back the masturbators, and the masturbators always win, probably because they've got all the stamina.

=== [[w:Black Mesa (video game)|Black Mesa]] ===
* ''Black Mesa'''s Xen is three or four times longer than the original, which I'm not sure is the solution I'd have gone for. &quot;Oh, you don't want your broccoli? Well here’s three times as much, bitch, and if you don't learn to like it I'm going to start pushing it up your nose.&quot; I suppose having worked on it for years they wanted to prove they weren't ''Duke Nukem Forever''-ing that whole time, and that is most certainly proved. The cosmic vistas are spectacular, every inch of effort is on display, and while it is overlong and the quality has its dips, some bits are pretty forgettable and some chug along like the early morning hangover shits, there’s enough of a sense of wonder about it that I wasn’t unengaged. Trouble is, I don't think it addresses the actual issue with Xen – we just spent umpteen hours tactically combatting our way through an ever-evolving narrative about a research facility disaster and military cover-up and this ''Metroid'' meets ''American McGee's Alice'' bad acid trip at a children's ball pit full of tricky platforming and bullet spongey bosses doesn’t feel like a payoff for what was set up.

=== [[w:Ori and the Will of the Wisps|Ori and the Will of the Wisps]] ===
* The usual indie arty platformer theme of small innocent child in big scary world is like the missionary position. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, some interesting things have been done with it, but when it's all you fucking do you'll swiftly be desperately hankering to break the monotony with just one suck job or nipple clamp. The thing about small child scary world though is that it rarely does sequels, because the underlying theme of small child scary world is coming of age and/or loss of innocence, and you can’t lose your innocence twice. Well, I suppose you could lose it in stages. Say, lose half when you find out that Santa isn’t real, lose the other half the first time you take it up the arse.
* Once again the nebulous negative force we’re up against is &quot;the darkness&quot;, which has no agenda beyond making all the nice people sad and the local boss monsters bastards, requiring that we help out through therapeutic beating the glowing snot out of them. Look, I know this isn't ''Tinker Tailor Soldier Cat Rabbit Thing'' and I shouldn't expect complex plotting from my fantasy animal platformers, but the mythic tone and sweeping soundtrack makes me think that it thinks its story is epic and profound, when it's actually kinda shallow. Drive out the darkness and restore the light? Ooh, good idea, maybe I wouldn't bump into things so much. The game's backed by Microsoft and there's a vibe of corporate committee thinking around it. It reminds me of how Hollywood pumps its most crassly gigantic budgets into movies with no more profound message than &quot;it's bad to murder everyone with explosions&quot; because any more controversial statement would offend the Chinese government.

=== [[w:Doom Eternal|Doom Eternal]] ===
* ''Doom Eternal'' is the sequel to ''[[w:Doom (2016 video game)|Doom 2016]]'', in which we step back into the chunky, elephantine boots of THE DOOM SLAYER, and the plot picks up where ''Doom 2016'' left off, give or take an explanation for how we escaped from Mars, and where we got a fucking spaceship from, or how demons have conquered most of Planet Earth. Okay, so maybe it doesn't start where ''Doom 2016'' left off, although the &quot;demons invading Earth&quot; bit, we could probably have safely assumed. Ooh, what has humanity learned from the previous disaster? The usual amount: somewhere in the region between &quot;bugger&quot; and &quot;all&quot;. How timely. But as for how THE DOOM SLAYER got here, maybe that was explained in the DLC or a comic book somewhere; and incidentally, I do appreciate how it's now canon that THE DOOM SLAYER does actually talk like he did in the Doom comic book: like an abattoir worker on enough coke to floor an elephant seal.

* THE DOOM SLAYER is an unfettered, chaotic id who only wants to kill demons and find collectible Happy Meal toys; in other words, he's the player of a mindless shooter game. But the central gag of the character is that all the other characters in the plot are looking for meaning and cosmic/religious significance in his actions where none truly exists; he just doesn't give a shit. That's the joke; very funny, ha ha ha. But in ''Doom Eternal'', when there are entire levels devoted to traipsing through empty hallways learning the history of THE DOOM SLAYER and the origin story for how he came to not give a shit, and we're beset by cutscenes and dialogue and codex entries filling us in on the Maykrs of Urdak and their history with the Sentinels of Argent D'Nur and their long tradition of shit and the not-giving thereof, then suddenly, the game itself is the one projecting unnecessary meaning onto the dude who doesn't actually give a shit, and the joke is at the expense of the story-writers!

=== [[w:Half-Life: Alyx|Half-Life: Alyx]] ===
* It's odd to play a ''Half-Life'' game where the main character speaks and can tell the people around them to stop being such prannies, but it's still unmistakably ''Half-Life'', with its trademark monsters, linear narrative gameplay, and weird emotional tone. I mean, humanity has essentially been enslaved by the Borg, who systematically subject them to gory, nightmarish body horror, but everyone's really cheerful and yucking it up with their pet headcrabs. Yes, I know humans strive to be upbeat during a crisis, but there's this one very ''Resident Evil''-y chapter in Alyx where we have to sneak around an indestructible monster who's this hideously mutated human who will tear us apart if he finds us and looks to be in immense suffering, and then we're told that their name is Jeff, and everyone talks about him like he's the one asshole in the friend group who keeps hitting on waitresses. &quot;Oh, that Jeff; Jeff sucks.&quot; &quot;Hey, I trapped Jeff in a garbage compactor.&quot; &quot;Sucks to be Jeff!&quot; Sometimes, ''Half-Life'''s storytelling feels like what happens when an entire game has Asperger syndrome.

=== [[w:Resident Evil 3 (2020 video game)|Resident Evil 3]] ===
* I wasn't going to bring up the coronavirus thing again; I mean, the site's called &quot;The Escapist&quot;, not &quot;The Constant Reminders of Our Inevitable Hubristic Doom&quot;. Besides, it'll pretty seriously date the video in a month or two when the virus goes away forever and everything returns to normal and all the dead people come back to life and there's a rainbow. But now I have to talk about ''Resident Evil 3'', a game about society descending into chaos because of a viral pandemic. It could only have been less fortunately timed if the zombies ate toilet rolls instead of brains.
* I don't know if it's worth analysing for subtext of a game about a giant, muscular man refusing to leave alone an attractive, under-dressed lady and trying to penetrate her with his big, floppy willy of death; she is, at least, better-dressed than she was in the original, where she looked like an embarrassing single mother accompanying her daughter to a roller disco. But still, ''3-make'' sometimes gives me a ''Tomb Raider-make'' vibe when the amount of shit that gets kicked out of Jill Valentine starts to border on the fetishistic. No, I don't think I sound disingenuous when I get finger-waggy about this kind of thing; it's not like I jerked off to it more than once.

=== [[w:Animal Crossing: New Horizons|Animal Crossing: New Horizons]] ===
* ''Animal Crossing'' is an institution at this point, one that requires commitment, and as such I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who thinks they're ready to be committed to an institution. The setup this time around is that you and the predatory raccoon loan shark Tom Nook have come to a desert island wilderness in order to develop it into yet another wholesome capitalist paradise for animal-shaped random number generators. You know, the kind of setup where, if it were a film, you'd expect half the cast to be cannibalized by the end of act two, but don't worry, Tom Nook presumably massacred the native island population before we arrived. The process of developing the island largely entails for your part the transfer of ungodly amounts of Bells from you to Tom Nook's holdings account, and the usual ''Animal Crossing'' routine quickly sets in. You fish, you catch bugs, you acquire furniture, you sell it all to Tom Nook for money that you then use to pay off your loans to Tom Nook. It's the all-Tom Nook economy. When Tom Nook dies, this entire society will fucking collapse into anarchy where brightly coloured animal people shiv each other for pears.
* As for how ''New Horizons'' compares to previous incarnations, there's a greater sense in this one that the environment is growing and developing as time goes on. At first it's all tents and temporary housing, no shop, no museum and most of it's locked behind impassable rivers and cliffs, but with time, several large payments to Tom Nook and enough inevitable fucking crafting to soak up more PVA glue than any unsupervised schoolchild could consume in a lifetime you gradually turn this mysterious exotic wilderness into yet another Animal Crossing consumerist hellhole identical to the last one. ''Tom Nook is the living embodiment of the grey goo scenario!''

=== [[w:Final Fantasy VII Remake|Final Fantasy VII Remake]] ===
* If you saw the title &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake&quot;, and from the words &quot;Final Fantasy VII&quot; and &quot;Remake&quot; are now expecting a remake of the game Final Fantasy VII, then you might be disappointed; Final Fantasy VII Remake ends at the bit where you leave the first city, or about one-third of the way through the first disc of the original PS1 game, although it takes about forty more hours to get there, 'cos it's padded like an A-cup on School Picture Day. So there's been some contention over whether this is false advertising or a new take on the subject matter with better character exploration. I think a lot of this could've been cleared up if they'd titled the game &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake: Episode One&quot;. But maybe they didn't want to commit; I mean, at the rate they're going, by the time they get to the last episode, it'll probably get pushed back by the heat death of the universe. I hope they are doing more episodes, 'cos the plot, as it stands, is painfully unresolved; the bulk of what we get might as well be re-titled &quot;Cloud Strife vs. The Manic Pixie Dream Girls&quot;.
* I was having fun when I was in the gambling town and Cloud had to dress up as a lady and becomes somehow irresistible to men, despite looking like a frumpy Amish spinster who spent last night sleeping with her head in the feeding trough. But that's a cultural thing; I'm English, and therefore, the funniest things in the world to me are men dressing as ladies and the concept of social mobility.
* As for the combat, I was liking it up to a point. You attack, block, and dodge in real-time until you fill the meter, and then you get to pause to contemplate what special move would best exploit the enemy weaknesses; it felt like a nice way to balance the chaotic battling with thoughtful strategy. But over time, as the challenge ramps up, you need to rely more on your party members, and your party members are as much use as an anti-capitalist protester on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. I was wondering why they had so much trouble building up a single special move in the time it took me to get three special moves deep, and then I spotted the dude with the gun arm, old Mr. Introverted Japanese Person's Idea of What Black People Are Like, firing round after round into a nearby handrail. I have to keep taking over to show them how to do it; it's like teaching a room full of six-year-olds how to type! So once again, a hybrid combat system in a modern JRPG fails to convince me that its way is better than the old method of having the characters stand in a neat row and take it in turns; it might not have been spectacular, but it was a damn sight more polite.

=== Cloudpunk &amp; [[w:Streets of Rage 4|Streets of Rage 4]] ===
* Through a linear series of encounters with unique characters, ''Cloudpunk'' builds a well-realized world of human-A.I. tension, inequality, corporate oppression, and all the usual bollocks cyberpunk goes on about, and at various times, Rania has to make moral choices which have the usual long-term effect on the story, i.e., little, if any. But the story really falls flat for me around one major central point like a six-inch nail in a soufflé: I just don't like Rania as a character. She's come to this city she knows little about and openly hates from some kind of small nation of hipsters that you probably haven't heard of, but trust me, it's much better; half the characters she meets are obnoxious in some cartoonishly overdone way just so she can get all judge-y at them, and they keep foisting important missions and major life decisions onto her because they watched her drunkenly banging into lampposts and doing very unpleasant things to the handbrake for two minutes and decided she had the wisdom of the ages. I might've preferred ''Cloudpunk'' if it were ''Euro Cyber Truck Simulator'' and just had me randomly deliver stuff while I listened to podcasts, and it told its story more covertly through background details rather than make me sit and listen to what Rania thinks about something that's none of her sodding business.
* My problem with ''Shreets of Shrage Shfour'' is that it's a game designed for confident people; your devastating special moves cost health to use, but you get the health back if you can land the next few hits without getting hit yourself, meaning that you become more effective the more confidence you have in your skills, and I doubt that this is the arena for a breakthrough where several years of therapy and alcohol abuse has fallen short. But I'd replay the level enough times, memorize enough encounters, and dodge enough devastating enemy attacks by move-walking six inches downwards, and I'd eventually struggle through and defeat the boss, whereupon the status screen would usually very grandly award my performance a &quot;D&quot; rank, which is always a buzzkill; it's like I finally collapsed into my tent after a long day of successful Arctic exploration, whereupon one of the huskies trotted over and pissed on my head. And this was only Normal difficulty! Talk about a skill ceiling; this is the Sistine Fucking Chapel!

=== World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident ===
* If you enlightened viewers in the modern age of less blurry screenshots are seeing some eerie parallels between the Corrupted Blood incident and certain real life current events, you aren't alone! In fact, academics took an interest in the incident for what it might tell us about real-life pandemics, particularly the sociological effects. But others argued that it taking place in a video game with zero real-life consequences limited the usefulness of the data. After all, it's not like people in the real world would just casually blow off an official quarantine order when there’s honest to goodness life and death on the line. Dear me, ''no!'' And as for the people who'd get the infection and try to pass it to others deliberately, why that would require nothing less than a fundamental breakdown of education and governance. Surely people understand that there are no hard resets in real life... unless you count tactical nuclear strikes. Yes, I suppose this episode was more of a &quot;let's all laugh at a ''humanity'' that never learns anything, tee hee hee,&quot; but for me it's nice to see something confirmed that I could have told these academics at any time - that if they want a case study for the most irrational behaviour of which human beings are capable then a good place to start might be the people who willingly pay a monthly subscription to waste their free time scraping up imaginary Murloc bellends.

=== [[w:Desperados III|Desperados III]] ===
* You remember &quot;Cockup Cascade&quot;, right? The term I came up with for an unfortunate feature of many stealth action games where the slightest misstep means getting caught in a pile-on of escalating fuck-ups, so you might as well just reload the instant you get spotted? Well, Desperados III is the patron saint of Cockup Cascade; the cocks barely have a chance to come down again. The enemies all have visibility cones spread wider than your mum's legs when she hears a bottle opener, and you can only see one guard's cone at a time; on top of that, a lot of guards who look like they're staring straight ahead are, in fact, glancing back and forth like a nervous gazelle at a tennis match, covering an area the size of a conservatively-proportioned aircraft hangar. So half the time, you'll settle into the nice, long &quot;slitting a throat&quot; animation, and only then be informed that someone offscreen is looking at you from their table at a delightful Parisian-style street café on the surface of Mars. And thus, the cascade begins. Everyone on the map is alerted and rushes your position, more guards spawn in on top of the existing ones; it's like the fucking fight scene at the end of the original ''Casino Royale''. And while you do have a gun, you fire it once and then can't fire it again until you've remembered all the lyrics to &quot;The British Grenadiers&quot;, and your special power to pause the game and queue up your next few actions, at this point, provides nothing besides the chance to take a moment and really drink in just how completely fucked you are. So don't kid yourself about making a stand; you're just going to fucking quick-load. It's not so bad in the early game, but before long, levels are absolutely packed with enemies and overlapping patrol routes, and it turns into a sort of ultra-violent puzzle game, where the objective is to figure out the precise sequence of actions to pick off every enemy in ascending order of gregariousness, quick-saving with every inch of progress. An experience like untangling a huge ball of Christmas lights, turning it over and over, picking on loose bits, occasionally pulling on the wrong thing, getting electrocuted and making all the children scream.

=== [[w:The Last of Us Part II|The Last of Us Part II]] ===
* Here's the plot: protagonist of last game gets murdered by group seeking revenge for thing protagonist did in last game; adopted daughter of protagonist goes to group's home base to get double-backsy revenge, which happens to be in a really shitty holiday destination, and no, it didn't escape me that this is the same plot as ''[[w:Silent Hill 3|Silent Hill 3]]''. Now, Joel in the last game was a basically relatable gruff hairy dad learning to love again who made one very questionable decision at the end, but Ellie in Last of Us II seems to be of a mind that the best way to commemorate Gruff Hairy Dad would be to beat his &quot;questionable decision&quot; speed record as many times as possible. And already, I hear the same people who gave me shit about not liking the last game slithering out from behind the fridge to make the same argument: &quot;You're not supposed to like or agree with the characters! It's complex and challenging drama!&quot; Yeah, thanks, Professor; I got we weren't supposed to be entirely on Ellie's side around the Dr. Sniffybum incident. But the message is muddled by everyone in Ellie's conventionally attractive mumblecore support group assuring her that revenge is the tops and totally justified, and the villains' equivalent act of revenge against Joel for doing something a lot worse was totally not justified because they hadn't had nearly enough screen time. Which is presumably why, just as the plot is starting to look like it's wrapping up, the game suddenly flashes back and makes us play as the main villain for way, ''way'' too fucking long: to show that, ooh, they have redemptive qualities as well and, from their perspective, Ellie is basically a less eloquent Jason Voorhees.
*  Can I do a spot of disabusing here? The kind I always have to do whenever they put out a DAVID CAGE game, or anything else presenting a façade of dramatic depth? The following things do ''not'' make a character deep or compelling: 1.) Getting hurt a lot (Looking at you, ''Tomb Raider'' reboot.); 2.) Being sad; 3.) Doing morally questionable things; and we might as well tack on 4.) Being a member of a minority, just 'cos I've already given up hope for this video's comment section. What does matter is the characters at least be interesting to watch, and these aren't; the banter between Ellie and her girlfriend as they adventure together sizzles like a flask of slightly tepid water because they're too similar in personality, background, and motivation to have good chemistry. But the most important thing is growth. Walker in ''Spec Ops: The Line'' slowly becomes a monster as he's twisted by the constant backfiring of his good intentions, and that's why it's compelling; Ellie has no character development. Villain Lady does, a little bit, for stupid reasons, along the lines of suddenly realizing that the enemy faction she's been genociding unquestioned for months are also human beings with families and would rather not be genocided, thanks, but Ellie just sets out to do something shitty and remains a shitty person; in fact, the game keeps droning on for about two hours after you think it's finally ending just to continue establishing Ellie's shittiness!

=== [[w:Google Stadia|Stadia]] ===
* So while the general quality could be a problem, I fear the main one, my little velvet fucksocks, is games. I know, it's such a bore, isn't it, having to sucker people into a subscription service ''and'' provide them content? It's like, running a dairy farm would be so much easier if you didn't have to keep feeding the cows and making sure they don't die and shit. Right now, there's just a limited selection of AAA titles that everyone stops talking about around the same time they stopped talking about Russia annexing the Ukraine, and as for the all-important exclusives, there's little more than what meager scraping of indie titles could be snuck out of the Epic Store's shopping basket.

=== [[w:Ghost of Tsushima|Ghost of Tsushima]] ===
* It's official; you're getting too old if you can remember any of the following: Jerry O'Connell, pop music where they don't sing like they just banged their foot on a coffee table, and tentpole games by Western AAA developers being capable of more than one genre. I'm ''so fucking sick'' of open world stealth action games with crafting and collectibles! Remember when ''Far Cry'' was a shooter, ''Tomb Raider'' was a precision platformer, and ''God of War'' was a high-octane hack and slash? All of them have now been pulled into open world stealth action with crafting and collectibles, like paper boats to an open sewer. I'm ''so fucking bored'' of squatting in a bush like a hiker who didn't go before he left, of having to nose around every shelf and drawer hoovering up crafting materials so I might one day make a new man-purse that can hold more than four paper clips. So if you're waiting for the next electrifying sea change in AAA games, ''Ghost of Tsushima'' ain't it, mate. It's the same shit with new wallpaper; nice wallpaper, granted. None of your &quot;default Sims house&quot; rubbish; this is the classy stuff you put behind a respected historian in a documentary about the Renaissance, but wallpaper nonetheless. Felt like I should put that up front, along with this: the standard crafting resource in this game is &quot;supplies&quot;, and every time I saw that word while on shelf safari, I'm ashamed to admit I kept thinking about a very racist joke I once heard about a Chinese person at a birthday party.
* The combat felt a lot better some ways into the game, after you unlock a few different stances, as it turns out that certain stances are very specifically intended for use against certain enemies, and if you're using the wrong stance, you might as well be dusting off their health bar with a pastry brush. So the combat is better once you've unlocked the things that make it work, almost like they should've been unlocked from the start, but no, everything has to be unlocked through one of the nine different upgrade systems, because that's what the template says to do, and we outsourced all our independent thought to Eastern Europe.
* All the cherry-picked good bits in the world can't separate ''Ghost of Tsushima'' from the usual issues of committee-driven big-money development. Yes, there's some great Kurosawa-esque boss fights, but there's also an optional grainy black-and-white video filter named &quot;Kurosawa Mode&quot;, which is the sort of idea that probably sounded cool to a committee room full of Danish pastry-fueled sub-producers, but in practice comes across a mite flippant.

=== Carrion &amp; Beyond a Steel Sky ===
* I'm most let down by [''Beyond a Steel Sky'''s] visuals. It's got that ''Borderlands''-y &quot;cel-shaded but in an open relationship and can still see other graphical styles&quot; thing that looks like arse and chips, and the animation is very jank; every time the engine has to none-too-subtly glide Foster into place to interact with something, it's like he's standing on a tea tray on a string. The real tragedy here is that, back in the days of 2D art and animation, Revolution Software were fucking killing it! ''Beneath a Steel Sky'', ''Broken Sword''; for their time, they were like tongue kisses for the eyeballs. Then, suddenly, they decided they had to do 3D graphics like everyone and their greengrocer and it was like a master violinist feeling like they had to take up the ukulele. I mean, fuck me, Dave Gibbons worked on ''Beneath a Steel Sky''! A really good 2D artist; the artist of ''Watchmen'', for fuck's sake! They brought him back on for this one, and then did most of the game in 3D; that's like hiring Professor Stephen Hawking to make YouTube essays about how Rey should've porked Finn.

=== [[w:Fall Guys|Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout]] ===
* One time, I was in the final round, and someone got declared the winner when everyone else was still halfway up the hill; don't tell me people are actually ''hacking'' this fucking game, or finding physics exploits? That's like rigging up a sophisticated concealed vacuum device to cheat at ''Hungry Hungry Hippos''; seems like a lot of misplaced effort to win something that other people win fairly reliably just by flinging themselves at the controls for long enough.

=== [[w:Spiritfarer|Spiritfarer]] ===
* And I thought it might be educational to list some things [''Spiritfarer''] ''didn't'' do to grab me, Games Industry.  It ''didn't'' put out a pre-rendered trailer six years before release showcasing all its crazy characters with magenta-colored partial buzzcuts.  It ''didn't'' use an aggressive leveling system to increase engagement the way a drug dealer &quot;increases engagement&quot; by cutting the blow with laundry detergent.  And: It doesn't have Batman in it!  No.  What it did was: It made me emotionally engage with it.  I play a game like ''Gears of War'', where I'm in constant life-or-death struggle with snarling monsters that want to exterminate humanity, and I'm more emotionally engaged with the cheese and pickle sandwich I'm taking sneaky bites of between reloads.  It kills off a main character; I feel more remorse when my wife notices pickle stains on the dog.  In contrast, I played ''Spiritfarer,'' got to the part where an old hedgehog with dementia remembers who I am in the brief moment before she disappears, ''and I cried.''  (I actually did; fuck you.)
* We play as Stella, a constantly smiling young girl with a hat slightly larger than she is, and a second player can optionally play as Stella's cat.  &quot;I'll take Completely Unnecessary Multiplayer Modes for 200, Alex.  Ooo!  'What is ''Mario Odyssey?'''&quot;
* I'd also group ''Spiritfarer'' with ''Gris'' and ''Sea of Solitude'' under the sub-heading of very-metaphorical-arty-indie-games.  But here's how it doesn't fuck it up, like those two did.  One: It never beats you around the head with its underlying meaning  ...''Sea of Solutude.''  Two:  It has a deeper and more poignant underlying meaning than, &quot;Main character is a bit sad&quot;  ...''Gris.''  Three:  It treats its gameplay as a way to establish its themes and add greater weight to its emotional moments, rather than a bunch of meaningless checkpoint flags to fill the space between the metaphors  ...''Gris'' '''and''' ''Sea of Solitude.''  And Four:  Meta-meta-phor.  The main point is:  ''Spiritfarer'' has both underlying and surface meaning.  If you want, you can forget all about the metaphor business.  I'm certainly fucking sick of saying the word.  If you want, it can just be a story about a little girl on a magical adventure, making a bunch of animal friends, hanging out, doing their side-quests, hugging them with the dedicated &quot;hug&quot; button, ''then'' icing them in the woods.  And then you feel sad because you're actually sad about never getting to see your friend again -- not because there's a huge symbolic statue of the main character ''telling'' you to be sad  ...''Gris!  Again!''

=== [[w:No Straight Roads|No Straight Roads]] and [[w:Battletoads (2020 video game)|Battletoads]] ===
* Sometimes, I like to picture game developers watching these videos. &quot;Ooh, look, everyone! That weirdo on the Internet did one of ours! Let's all gather 'round to good-naturedly laugh off his exaggerated criticism and bask in the occasional qualified praise. Come on, Steve! Bob! Fiona! Adolf! Lionel! Big Smelly Janet!&quot; I wonder if the developers of ''Battletoads'' are doing that now? Well, developers of ''Battletoads'', here's the thing: I hate your game. In fact, I don't think I've ever realized I hated a game quite as fast as I realized I hated yours. I'm trying to avoid swearing here, so you understand how totally sincere I am when I say I played five or six levels into ''Battletoads'' and decided I would rather spend the afternoon cleaning out the shower drains. But hey, I don't hold it against you; at least it didn't waste my time, and I've got a really clean shower now.

=== [[w:Avengers (2020 video game)|Marvel's Avengers]] ===
* You know, Robert Downey Jr. deserves more praise for his portrayal of Tony Stark in the Marvel movies; yes, I know he's made more money than a glazier in the Gaza Strip, but he did a really quite impressive job playing a character who could be simultaneously abrasive, charismatic, and sympathetic. I was thinking about this while watching Tony Stark as portrayed in ''Marvel's Avengers'', Square Enix's new, shiny chrome-plated hamster wheel for the micropayment masses, because if all of his dialogue lines had been cut out and been replaced by Tony Stark getting clipped around the ear by whoever was standing closest to him, then that would've earned the game at least another star. It's still confusing to me that this game that is obviously trying to crib off the success of the Marvel movies deliberately replaced all the leads with their poorly-received spinoff low-budget TV show versions, but maybe it's easier on the kiddies this way; they don't have to watch their heroes repeating an infinite cycle of copy-pasted combat missions and resource grinds and ask their parents, &quot;Mummy, why is Iron Man trapped in a hypothetical tenth layer of Dante's Hell?&quot;
* ''Marvel's Avarvels'' puts an almost admirable degree of effort into not resembling a live service game for some ways into the campaign. [...] These first few missions mostly play like running down one corridor after another, but hey, they're nice corridors; there's an actual story focus, and at the end of some of the corridors, there's colorful boss fights against Marvel supervillains like Taskmaster (registered trademark) and Abomination (registered trademark). But then the live service shit starts insidiously to creep in. [...] The lovely, approachable face flakes off bit by bit to reveal the cold, eyeless skull underneath. &quot;You unlocked the confusingly laid-out mission hub area! You unlocked the gear-crafting station! The cosmetic-crafting station! The faction missions! The storage lockers! Your next mission objective is to talk to all the gear vendors; ''we will literally hold up the plot until you fucking do that!''&quot; And every single one of them has a line of dialogue specifically designed to guilt you if you leave without buying anything. &quot;Oh, you don't want any new emotes? Welp, better tell the kids that it'll be sawdust porridge for dinner again.&quot; Then all those story-focused corridor missions are replaced by missions in which you go to one of a handful of pocket sandboxes, are directed to a specific location, and all the way there, copy-pasted side objectives appear all around us like we're dodging mortar shells in fucking no man's land. &quot;There's a treasure box nearby! There's a group of bland copy-pasted enemies nearby! Why not kill them before you kill the group of bland copy-pasted enemies you actually came here to deal with?&quot; It's like being trapped in the IKEA showroom when all you want is a fucking egg whisk!

=== [[w:Hades (video game)|Hades]] ===
* Ah, ancient mythology: the wonderful gift from our ancestors that ensures pretentious writers will never be shy of a free idea bucket. Hey, is there any reason we can't make up more mythology? Like, if I wanted to invent Maurice, the God of Consumer Electronics, or Rumblecrag, the God of Small Utensils That Get Jammed in the Kitchen Drawer; can I do that, or do I have to paint them on a vase and wait a thousand years for it to count? Video games have always gotten a lot of mileage out of mythology, but it's disappointing how it only ever seems to fall back on either Greek or Norse. I already know way too much about Greek and Norse mythology; why don't you ever make games about Zoroastrianism? I don't know anything about Zarathustra; I know that he spake once.
* Hades is about Zagreus, the son of the titular deity, who has gotten sick of kicking around the depths of Tartarus playing ''Halo'' - and very deliberately pretending not to notice the pamphlets of vocational schools his dad rather unsubtly keeps leaving on the coffee table - and so he decides to pull what's known as the &quot;reverse Orpheus&quot; and journey out of the Underworld for the first time in his life. &quot;And there's nothing you can do to stop me, Dad!&quot; &quot;Um, I literally rule over legions of immortal warriors with nothing to do all day but try to stop you, Zagreus.&quot; &quot;Shut up! You never bought me a car!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time|Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time]] ===
* It must feel weird when somebody else makes a sequel to your franchise, like when the babysitter insists on being called &quot;Mummy&quot;; it must be doubly weird when you thought your franchise died years ago and the babysitter has just shown up at your door in the dead of night with a shovel and a weird smile. I think it's fair to say that ''Crash Bandicoot'' didn't exactly leave loose ends untied. It wasn't the fucking ''Wheel of Time''; it was pretty thoroughly explored out as a concept. You don't bring out a fucking kart racing tie-in game when you can't see the bottom of the idea bucket. And yet, here comes Toys for Bob twenty years down the line, clutching its big, shiny shovel going, &quot;Don't worry, Naughty Dog! We will continue the great work in the original spirit you intended!&quot; And meanwhile, Naughty Dog moved on years ago, and are now more concerned with making terribly serious and important games about very unpleasant people fucking each other on smallpox blankets.
* The main problem that has always stuck out of fixed-camera 3D platformers like a traumatically botched nipple piercing is depth perception; sure, Crash Bandicoot gets a nice obvious shadow under him, but why doesn't anything else? So if I'm trying to land on a hovering crate or enemy, I'm once again playing bottomless pit Russian roulette. If you're going to demand consistent perfection from me, it'd be nice if the mechanics could be fucking consistent in return, is me point. Tawna's unique mechanic is a grappling hook gun (because of course it fucking is), but it's contextual, and more than once, I was in midair and the grapple prompt apparently decided I was a couple of nanometers off for its tastes, and so I was cordially invited to eat shit. &quot;Man,&quot; I thought, &quot;if I'd been going for the 'no deaths' run, then I'd be frothing like a poorly supervised coffee machine right about now; fortunately, I long ago came to terms with my own mediocrity, as, it seems, have most of my viewership!&quot;

=== [[w:Amnesia: Rebirth|Amnesia: Rebirth]] ===
* Minor spoiler alert: one of the central plot elements concerns a couple trying for a second child, which I suppose you might call a &quot;rebirth&quot;, if you're a robot from space. It's just about the only rebirth on offer, as rebirth implies evolution, and this is mainly a return to the gameplay of the first ''Amnesia: The Dark Descent'' in that it actually has some gameplay; you explore spooky environments while using your limited supply of oil and matches to minimize the amount of time you spend in pitch darkness, where you run the risk of suffering a major trouser accident and lethally bankrupting yourself with dry cleaning expenses, and you have to balance all that while solving inventory puzzles and hiding from gribblies, which it turns out you're only in actual danger from about 5% of the time. But you don't know which 5%! Wooo! And of course, there's still that trademark Frictional Games physics interaction where you open doors by clicking the mouse and then moving the mouse and realizing you should've moved it the other way, dumb twat. None of which should be a deal-breaker if you did like the original ''Amnesia''; this game even features the triumphant return of the jam that comes out of the walls. But at the same time, ''Dark Descent'' is ten years old; it'd be in middle school by now, swapping its asthma inhaler for ''Pokémon'' cards. It was one of the progenitors of the first-person atmospheric survival horror mystery subgenre that has since evolved to new heights with games like ''Resident Evil 7'' and ''P.T.'', and simultaneously devolved into new shit-smeared depths with the 900 million horror walking simulators out there that still think that the door you just came in now leading to somewhere else like we're in Willy Wonka's fucking chocolate factory is the height of clever mindfucks, and ''Rebirth'' hasn't really moved with the times in either direction. I think it's on the same engine as ''Dark Descent''; it's certainly quite graphically dated. And the physics are still rife with issues; it'll stop you dead in the middle of walking just because it's scandalized by the sheer audacity with which you're attempting to navigate a gentle slope with a small cardboard box on it.
* I can tell from my pristine trousers that the monsters just don't command the same terror that they did in ''Dark Descent''. Probably because in this case, you get a good look at them enough times that you can see they're just generic zombie dudes, and suspense only lasts as long as the mysterious, snarly thing lurking in the dark could be anything from a gelatinous cube to a hungover Orson Welles. The general problem is one of demystification, I think. In ''The Dark Descent'', we only learn scrips and scraps about an evil Lovecraftian other dimension that's causing all the problems, but in ''Amnesia: Recalcitrant'', Tasi gets to physically go to one; in fact, she pops in and out of it every ten minutes like she's never quite convinced that she locked the doors properly the last time she was there. At one point, she takes the public subway train in the evil Lovecraftian dimension and misses her stop because the map was confusing. No, really, this happens; it's one of the things that draws out the run-time like your mum's waistband at the cock buffet.

=== [[w:Watch Dogs: Legion|Watch Dogs: Legion]] ===
* I do think there's a lot of fun to be had with ''Watch Dogs: Legion''; it's just that a lot of it might be at the game's expense. Its expansive array of systems and dodgy A.I. mean that it's got a lot of potential for finding your own entertainment, probably more so than most Ubisoft sandboxes. As I said, the lack of strong characterization does hurt the story - I mean, I'm pretty sure most real people would respond to complete strangers asking them to join their &quot;best-friends-no-oppressive-regimes-allowed&quot; treehouse club with either bafflement or a faceful of commercial-grade pepper spray - but it does mean it's easier to amuse yourself by making up your own stories for your characters. The game forces you to recruit a construction worker as part of the tutorial, and I ended up using that dude to complete the final mission, because fuck, from token member hired only 'cos we wanted to play on his rideable drone to champion of the resistance; this dude's had a motherfucking arc! Also, for the sake of extra challenge, I decided that he refuses to use any form of transport other than riding on top of double-decker buses, because of a childhood trauma involving a model train set and a crab. Also, he strictly avoids violence while on missions because the sight of blood reminds him of Cheltenham F.C., and when combat is required, he defers to his teammate, Crazy Mildred the Elderly Nail Gun Murderer, who has to knock down every lamppost she sees to raise awareness of child leukemia, and who wears a... ''really'' stupid hat.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Valhalla|Assassin's Creed Valhalla]] ===
* Ah, Vikings. Who doesn't like Vikings? &quot;English monasteries?&quot; Oh, right. &quot;Anyone who's ever been forced to listen to Norwegian black metal?&quot; Yes, thank you. The point was, in the games industry, it seems to be only a matter of time before you go full Viking. ''God of War'' did it; ''Assassin's Creed'' are doing it; that new ''Elden Ring'' thing that FromSoftware are doing isn't strictly full Viking, I know, but it's definitely giving it some funny looks. Fair play to Assassin's Creed; it held out longer than a lot of series would. I mean, it did the fucking American War for Independence before it did Vikings; that's like forcing yourself to eat all the party napkins before you can have any of the birthday cake. But there's no putting off going full Viking forever; it's one of the points on the graph: ninjas, pirates, Vikings, and I guess maybe cowboys. Hey! Is that a Ubisoft drone? Oh shit, it's taking notes. Sorry, everyone; don't know how they keep getting in here. If they announce ''Assassin's Creed Deadwood'' next year, I guess you can all blame me.
* The initial spark of getting to play a burly Viking can't be sustained through the subsequent 40 hours of trudging through mud and dealing with political squabbles between people dressed in earth tones in the name of ''Assassin's Creed'''s trademark historical accuracy. I was getting sniffy about the ethical ramifications of monastery-pillaging earlier, but if anything, the game should've learned more into that; let us tear shit up, swinging a giant &quot;fucketh-off&quot; hammer as our muscles bulge like mating walruses, and seduce all the hot monk chicks away from their inadequate monk boyfriends. It's this &quot;trying to hit all the points at once&quot; thing that muddles the tone, trying to make out like we're some kind of freedom fighter while we laughingly set all the pigsties ablaze and hunt down the usual laundry list of Templars that we are assured are evil, but who seem to be mostly minding their own fucking business.

=== [[w:Spider-Man: Miles Morales|Spider-Man: Miles Morales]] ===
* Peter Parker takes under his wing a freshly spider-powered-up Miles Morales and swiftly forces him to use the same codename and wear the same outfit, which, let's be blunt, is a bit weird and narcissistic and not a little gatekeeper-y. Peter Parker goes on his holidays and leaves his new Mini-Me to defend the city alone, but Miles finally proves worthy of Peter's crusty Spider-Man pajamas when half the people he knows turn out to be supervillains. Turns out you can only make it as a supervillain in New York if you've been to at least three of Spider-Man's birthday parties; nepotism, I call it. These days, Spider-Man probably gets more thrown if supervillains DON'T turn out to be someone he knows; he wrestles them to the ground and the mask falls off, and he goes, &quot;&lt;GASP!&gt; No, it can't be! I have no idea who you are!&quot;

=== [[w:Cyberpunk 2077|Cyberpunk 2077]] ===
* [''Cyberpunk 2077'' is] the hot new immersive sim conveniently, if unimaginatively, named after its genre; the genre of choice for people who hate capitalism, but love looking like a member of Dead or Alive after they stepped on a landmine. I say &quot;immersive sim&quot;; I feel that description hinges on the game being, in some way, immersive. I was playing the Steam version, which might more accurately be termed a &quot;buggier than a party sub that got left on the floor of a motel bathroom&quot; sim. The bugs were ceaseless; mostly non-game-breaking animation fuckups and voice lines not playing, but every now and again, I'd have to reload a save because I accidentally crossed a cutscene trigger while grabbing an enemy, and I'd come back from the loading screen with my head jammed up their arse, like the result of some Cronenberg-esque teleportation accident. It's a shame, because when I looked up at the dizzying neon towers of Night City, and the crowds of NPCs where no two were the same, and they're all uniquely dressed in some way like a cross between a character from ''LazyTown'' and a Cenobite, I thought to myself, &quot;Man, this game would probably be really immersive if my trousers hadn't just turned invisible again!&quot;

=== [[w:Bugsnax|Bugsnax]] and [[w:Super Meat Boy Forever|Super Meat Boy Forever]] ===
* Ah, 2020: the Jimmy Savile of years; only after its passing can we take stock and truly appreciate the flood of hushed-up sexual assault accusations.
* You know, every time I take a stab at summarizing ''Bugsnax'', I feel like something important has been left out; it's like writing a real estate profile for a nuclear bunker on Mars where eleven people died of asbestos poisoning. If I were to say &quot;It's a first-person adventure sort of thing where you come to a hidden island full of mysterious creatures that are all a hybrid of an insect and an item of snack food like a fucking bag of chips with wings and shit, and there's influence from ''Pokémon'' 'cos they all have a cutesy hybrid name that is the only thing they can say and catching them is the main gameplay activity, but unlike ''Pokémon'', you don't battle them; you just watch them get mercilessly devoured as they scream their own names in distress,&quot; even that summary fails to mention the significant fact that all the sentient characters in the game are furry puppet monsters that look like novelty butt plugs based on ''Sesame Street'' characters. &quot;Oh, so it's a kids' game, Yahtz?&quot; I ''DON'T'' KNOW! It's bright and colourful, and none of the characters would look out of place flogging nutritionally bankrupt breakfast cereals, but at the same time, all the characters have these fairly complex, adult relationship issues, with several overtly established to be banging their featureless furry midsections together. And besides that, I get a faintly sinister vibe as I watch the adorable ''Bugsnax'' disappear into the cheerful gullets of big-toothed furry monsters with an upsetting crunching sound, and then one of the monster's limbs turns into a Snickers or whatever, which adds a little sprinkling of body horror to the mix; it's like ''Fraggle Rock'' as directed by David Cronenberg.

=== [[w:Hitman_3|Hitman 3]] ===
* [These] so-called &quot;mission stories&quot; are, frankly, the worst parts of the game; I think that's the revelation I finally came to after speeding through all the missions, getting hand-held through a linear sequence of objectives where I follow my intended victim around for a while until the moment they say, &quot;All security guards, leave the room so I can have some alone time with my new best pal. Would you like to admire my new pit full of rotating knives? I thought it would make a nice centerpiece.&quot; It feels like Mum and Dad doing our homework for us, and it makes the bottom drop out of all the tension and immersion, especially since they very often hinge on Agent 47 disguising himself as someone famous or who the victim has already met, rather than a random background employee, and them somehow not noticing that this person they know is suddenly built like a gravedigger's shovel leaning on a tombstone and keeps responding to direct questions with veiled references to being an assassin. &quot;Can I tell you a secret?&quot; &quot;Oh, I guarantee it won't leave this room.&quot; &quot;Do you recommend the soup?&quot; &quot;I'd have to say it's... to DIE for.&quot; &quot;Blimey, my verrucas are playing up!&quot; &quot;Perhaps you'd like to LIE DOWN... after I murder you completely to death?&quot; Yeah, it was funny the first couple of times, but when it's pretty much the same routine for every mission story, things get a bit silly, and at odds with the story's tone when the cutscenes are full of slick behind-the-scenes manipulators controlling the world through growly phone conversations in huge, twilit offices, and then you meet them in gameplay, and they're standing over the shark tank at SeaWorld demonstrating their new line of tuna-flavored aftershave.
* I think ''Hitman'' finally clicked for me after I made the conscious effort to resist my usual instinct; that is, play through to story end as fast as possible and then use the rest of the work week to practice throwing chocolate raisins into the air and catching them in my mouth. No, this time, I decided I would go back to the missions and embrace the sandbox malarkey by inventing my own assassinations; switch from the strict musical education to improvised jazz, as it were, and often with equally disastrous results, because ''Hitman'' gameplay is still a slave to the Cockup Cascade. There's often no way of knowing if strangling a dude to the ground and ripping his trousers off is going to be out of view of his mates until you try, and they all spin around and act like they caught you shitting on the carpet; it's a lot like shitting on the carpet because even if you get caught, you've got no choice but to finish doing it while furiously maintaining eye contact.
* Generally, I was having a lot more fun seeking opportunities rather than being handed them by the mission stories; shame you kind of have to do a mission story on your first attempt, 'cos these environments are really dense and sprawly, and with no direction, it's like looking for the one un-horrifying toilet cubicle at a BART station. You have to play a mission a few times and get a lay of the land before you can start really having fun with planning custom assassinations, and that means immersion takes another fatal hit.  I mean, you don't get second tries in real life; Lee Harvey Oswald couldn't run up and go, &quot;Sorry, I was going for no alerts; could we scoop your brains back up and have another crack?&quot;

=== [[w:The_Medium_(video_game)|The Medium]] ===
* You know what, Konami? I don't even care about ''Silent Hill'' anymore; you make all the pachinko machines and arcade shooters and Pyramid Head-shaped suppository kits you like. I loved ''Silent Hill'' once, but you know what? Getting us attached to name franchises is how they get you; that's why Disney can sell haunted Zyklon B canisters just by sticking C-3PO on the front. I don't want a new ''Silent Hill''; I want interesting, new horror games that benefit from ''Silent Hill'''s influence. I like bands influenced by Nirvana, but I wouldn't like it if they nailed Kurt Cobain's body to the front of the drum kit.
* This might sound weird, but it took me a while to figure out that this fixed-camera survival horror game with a gloomy atmosphere about exploring both a decrepit real world and an identically laid-out scary netherworld that looks like it's made primarily out of ham was supposed to be ''Silent Hill''-inspired; talk about missing the otherworld for the crucified bodies on spikes. I guess I just wasn't picking up the same vibe; it reminded me more of ''Dark Seed'', that old point-and-click adventure game about exploring an H. R. Giger-designed parallel dark world as the protagonist struggles to overcome the horror of their mustache. ''Silent Hill'' feels organic and visceral and wet; ''The Medium'' felt more dead and dusty and as dry as a newlywed Baptist who doesn't believe in foreplay.
* ''The Medium'' has good visual design and atmosphere, but I wasn't thinking about those during my suddenly much freer afternoon; I was wondering why &quot;violent ballistic death&quot; leapt that quickly to the top of Marianne's proposed solutions list. Just felt really out of nowhere; failure of characterization, I suppose. The suicide ending made sense in ''Spec Ops: The Line'', and ''Silent Hill 2'', and my last school reunion.

=== [[w:Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood|Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood]] ===
* ''WereThePocBlood'' concerns Cahal, a gruff, hairy dad who looks like the breakout character from a popular reality TV series about gay motorcycle repairmen; he is a werewolf in a setting that's basically the premise of ''[[w:Captain Planet and the Planeteers|Captain Planet]]'', except with werewolves instead of diverse, go-getting teenagers, and where all issues are resolved by turning into a monster and tearing the enemy to coleslaw instead of summoning a demigod far too smug for someone wearing tiny red pants. I mean, the writing's certainly about as complex as ''Captain Planet'', pointlessly excessive gore aside, because it mainly centers around an evil polluting corporation who are ravaging the Earth, not for wealth or to meet the needs of an ever-growing, ever-complacent humanity, but because they are being literally controlled by an evil monster and are actively trying to destroy the world. So yeah, the story's about as nuanced as hammering a six-inch nail through your forehead.
* All janky design and dull, repetitive levels aside, it just feels like a game really at odds with itself. &quot;Well, how would you fix it, Yahtz?&quot; Well, I'd have added some kind of consequence for using Frenzy Mode too much, like reduced XP or a bad ending. Or, focused on cathartic combat and chucked the humanity-questioning stuff in the recycle bin. Oh, wait! Even quicker solution: chuck the whole fucking game in the recycle bin and play something else! &quot;Be serious, Yahtz.&quot; Sorry; I meant to say &quot;compost bin&quot;.

=== [[w:Little Nightmares II|Little Nightmares II]] ===
* Longtime viewers will know we've had a lot of fun here at the Zero Punctuation Combination Waterslide Park/Sewage Treatment Facility with the running gag that virtually every arty indie game is basically about a small child being lost in a scary world, probably because they're frequently made by tech nerds new to the industry, having to face the fact that it might finally be time to get a real job and figure out how to do their own laundry. Which also explains why the games are usually highly unsubtle metaphors for something from the standard list of tech nerd mental health issues: anxiety, depression, isolation, the fact that nice girls don't want to touch them. In the past, I've occasionally stretched the criteria for &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to include indie games like ''Bastion'', ''Braid'', and ''Ori and the Blind Forest'' in order to continue claiming to be right, in my adorably small-minded way, but absolutely no stretching is necessary for this week's subject; oh, dear me, no! ''Little Nightmares'' wears &quot;small child, scary world&quot; like a set of custom-fit pajamas, throws a big, comfortable duvet of oppressive atmosphere over itself, and goes to sleep. It uses all the tropes, even the really on-the-nose ones like &quot;main character wears a hooded coat&quot; and &quot;soundtrack featuring sad children singing like the evil landlord just sold all their gruel vouchers&quot;. I might go as far to say that it officially takes ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s crown as the ur-example of &quot;small child, scary world&quot;, since ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s pseudo-sequel Inside kind of gave it up when it transitioned from &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to &quot;GIBBER, GIBBER, NONSENSE, NONSENSE, WEETABIX WITH LEGS!&quot;
* [The] &quot;challenge&quot; aspect of the game is basically a sequence of traps where the objective is generally &quot;make exactly the right movements or die and start again&quot; which, in the abstract, is about as fun as playing ''Operation'' in a Parkinson's ward. There are chasey bits, where the monster catches up and stuffs you into a pita bread if you're not immediately sprinting in the right direction when it starts; there are combat-y bits, where you have to swing a melee weapon at precisely the moment an enemy is pouncing or get your head caved in on a floorboard; and stealthy bits, where you get spotted and eaten if you so much as startle a flatulent aphid, which leads to some moments having to be replayed and replayed, and dread gives way to boredom, gives way to anger, gives way to quitting, gives way to the right at a mini-roundabout. I don't know how one fixes this. It's the classic horror game paradox: the threat of sudden death is necessary for creating the feel of being a little ant postman trying to deliver mail to Mrs. Trapdoor Spider's house, but the moment that sudden death actually happens, all the tension disappears, and each subsequent death as you struggle to get past the challenge is like the game continuing to stab an already-stabbed balloon. I suppose, ideally, you'd want to design it so the player escapes by the skin of their teeth each time, but that's a tough balance, because some players have slower reflexes, or are trying to play while hiding behind the sofa cushions.

=== Breathedge ===
* It's the time of year when AAAs are put to bed to dream restless dreams of middling Metacritic ratings and rampaging seven-headed Twitch influencers, and we have to keep the nightlight on with midrange jank and the usual indie survive 'em ups. It's not that I dislike survival crafting as a genre; I just don't feel like it's taught me any practical survival skills. I head out to the wilderness, gather some wood and some stone, pack them together and tuck them under my scrotum for five seconds, and the result is not a makeshift axe, but an awkward conversation with my prostate specialist.
* This week, I've been playing an indie survival craft 'em up called &quot;''Breathedge''&quot;, which is ''Subnautica'', but in space. &quot;Why yes, I am that very thing, Yahtz; in fact, I contain multiple direct references to ''Subnautica'' to acknowledge its influence.&quot; You know, you're really sucking the fun out of dismissive know-it-all assholery, ''Breathedge''! But yes, take ''Subnautica'' and remove all the water so that nothing remains but cold, forbidding vacuum, and that's ''Breathedge''. And while you're at it, remove the interesting story and any particular reason to engage with its base-building mechanics-- Wait, I liked those! You removed too much, ''Breathedge''! &quot;Ooh, sorry; guess I'll fill in the gap with fourth wall-breaking humor that, over the course of the game, gradually, almost imperceptibly, moves over the line from amusing to insufferable.&quot;
* So it's definitely got that ''Subnautica''-brand majestic beauty crossed with terrifying hostility, like a sultry, attractive woman with the face of a giant spider. And one certainly gets the satisfaction that comes with getting near the end of the craft-explorey loop when you finally build your endgame rocket flip-flops or whatever that allow you to fully traverse the sandbox, at which point, the sultry, attractive woman still has the face of a spider, but now you're kind of into that because those pedipalps can do things to your prostate that will make your toes roll up like tubes of nearly-empty toothpaste. So those are the parts that ''Breathedge'' gets right. Ooh, there was some subtext in that last sentence, wasn't there, children? Did you spot it?
* You spend the majority of the game in the big survival sandbox, gradually expanding your capabilities until you acquire a working spaceship, and my assumption was that this was the next stage of expansion; I was going to be able to cruise around the sandbox in my new penis extension, go back to all those mean asteroids that once bullied me, and drive through a nearby puddle to humiliate them in front of their asteroid girlfriends. But no; all you can do with your new ship is fast-travel to another, entirely separate sandbox where there's space combat mechanics all of a sudden, and introducing combat at this stage is like giving us a Snickers where all the peanuts are crammed into the last two bites. Although, you don't even have to fight them, so it's more like all the peanuts are put in a little Ziploc bag and taped to the outside.
* This might be related to ''Breathedge'''s deliberate attempt at fourth wall-breaking subversive comedy, which, early on, I thought worked well and gave it a humorous edge that made it stand out in the garbage trawler that is indie survival craft 'em ups. But while a fourth wall break is surprising and funny, all subsequent fourth wall breaks is just waving your comedy hammer at empty air, and the omnipresent fast-talking A.I. narrator who flips back and forth between doing a comedy motormouth bit and just talking too fast 'cos they're not a very good voice actor really starts to grate when they constantly point out all the gags. &quot;Oh no! You can't get past here without crafting another piece of arbitrary bullshit! The developers, who are me, who are writing these words that I'm saying, must be trying to pad the gameplay out; what a bunch of scamps. Oh, look! It looks like something is about to happen! Oh, my goodness! The thing we were all expecting didn't happen the way we were expecting it! What a clever subversion on the part of the developers who are writing these words.&quot; See, there's poking fun at yourself, and then there's poking a finger so far up yourself, you can pull undigested Cheerios out of this morning's breakfast.

=== [[w:Persona 5 Strikers|Persona 5 Strikers]] ===
* I like the ''Persona'' series; I guess I'm just owning that now. I like the concept of a magic world formed from the subconscious minds of humanity so you can go into the head of someone you don't like and kick the furniture around until miniature chairs fly out of their ears. Come to think of it, I also liked ''Yakuza: Like a Dragon'', and ''Ni no Kuni II'' somewhat, and ''EarthBound'' and ''Chrono Trigger'' back in the day-- Dammit, do I actually like JRPGs, and I just hate reviewing them because I only have a week to play, and they've usually got runtimes inversely proportional to the length of all the female characters' booty shorts? Hang on, let me stare at this anime character for a bit. Hmmm... Nope, still looks like the grotesque offspring of an inflatable sex doll and a three-point electrical socket.
* Don't expect to keep up if you haven't played through ''Persona 5'', 'cos the gang's all here from the outset: Sporty Spice, Scary Spice, Posh Spice, Arty Spice, Model Spice, Hacker Spice, er... Cat Spice, and lest we forget, Protagonist Spice. Is it me, or is there a lot of dead weight in the Phantom Thieves? I suppose once you've watched someone awaken their Persona while dramatically screaming and ripping their face off and bursting into flames, probably a bit awkward at that point to say, &quot;Sorry, party's full, but we'll keep your résumé on file.&quot;
* In closing, I'd like to repeat something I once said about the ''Yakuza'' games: Isn't it odd how contemporary Japanese games always feel like they have to sell Japan as well? The way the Phantom Thieves stop at every tourist hotspot and have many prolonged scenes of them scarfing down the local cuisine, it's like the game's designed for foreign tourists! Maybe it's just the difference in culture standing out more to me as an outsider, but it feels like if every game set in America had characters going, &quot;Oh boy! I can't wait to go to McDonald's for one of our famous Big Macs, and then go down to the Walmart and watch the traditional running of the shitheads!&quot;

=== Harvest Moon: One World ===
* Okay, I looked this up, and I think I've got the details square: The popular and influential Japanese cutesy farming sim franchise ''Farm Story'' was published by Natsume in the West under the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;; in 2014, the developer switched publishers, and its games have since been released in the West under the name &quot;''Story of Seasons''&quot; because Natsume reserved the rights to the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot; so that they could make their own rival cutesy farming games and call them &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;, because they assume those fat, ignorant Westerners have reservoirs of cream gravy instead of brains and won't know the difference. Well, just dip a biscuit in my skull, because I tried out the new ''Harvest Moon'' on Switch. I enjoyed ''Harvest Moon'' back on the SNES and have clocked in enough hours in ''Stardew Valley'' to raise an actual child or moderately-sized dog, so I was curious to see in precisely what manner Natsume was buggering the franchise's reputation over a feeding trough; quite heartily, it turns out. 
* ''Harvest Moon: One World'' is the game, and while it seems to have had some noble intention to sprinkle a little more adventure into the concept so you're not just waking up and urinating on potatoes day in, day out, in doing so, it loses sight of the core appeal of these games, and there's a general air of wrongness about the whole thing, which first started sinking in when it told me to go to the cave and mine some bronze ore. There's no such thing as &quot;bronze ore&quot;, you shitwits! It's an alloy; it doesn't occur naturally! It's like telling me to go harvest a cupcake bush.
* Anyway, as the one weirdo who still thinks crops grow from seeds, you are tasked by the Goddess of Spring (or someone like that) to travel the world and reintroduce the concept of growing things; and yes, every character in this game does come across as about as stupid as this premise. I mean, for fuck's sake, there are fruit-bearing trees everywhere! What did everyone think those were? Unusually taciturn people with very delicious haircuts? The reasonable question to ask at this point would be &quot;How does one combine a farming sim with a game about journeying around the world?&quot;; the one certainty about farms is that they kind of can't go anywhere. Well, shows how much you know, because this society that failed to develop agriculture has mastered miniaturization technology; you know, it's like when you play ''Civilization'' against someone who researches nuclear fission before they've discovered the wheel. Because of this, you can pack up all your farm buildings into a convenient package and go establish yourself at one of several predetermined spots throughout the world because this society has also failed to develop the concept of land ownership, apparently.
* [That's] it, really; I'd heard that Natsume was driving the ''Harvest Moon'' ice cream van smack into the animal shelter, and I suppose I was just curious to see the wreckage for myself and pick through it for salvageable orange Frooties. In the meantime, if, like me, you enjoy fantasizing about what it would be like to have actual manual skills, there's a new ''Story of Seasons'' coming this month that's probably the one worth holding out for. Or try the remake of the GBA one that's out on Steam; keyboard controls are a bit wonky, and it's hard to get a good sexual tension going when all the love interests are proportioned like Dora the Explorer, but that's just the companionable whiff of cow manure that drifts into the farmhouse kitchen, compared to ''One World'''s hundred-yard swim down the factory farm runoff pipe.

=== [[w:Evil Genius 2: World Domination|Evil Genius 2: World Domination]] ===
* There's a lot about base-designing that feels inefficient. You're supposed to designate areas as specific rooms, but I'm unclear on why my minions need a barracks, and a dining hall, ''and'' a break room, ''and'' an entirely separate kind of break room for replenishing mental health or something. That's what happens when you let the fuckers unionize, I suppose. Furniture for one kind of room can't go in any other kind of room, which makes no sense; would it really break the interior designer's heart to shove a fucking vending machine in the break room so my dudes don't have to trudge all the way to the dining hall for a Twix? And while we're on the subject, why can I only put fire extinguishers, guard posts, and staircases in rooms officially designated as &quot;corridors&quot;? I just wanted a fucking split-level food court! Also, why did I have to research the concept of a staircase?! Where was my evil genius educated, St. Bungalow's School for the Wheelchair-Bound?

=== Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town ===
* So after I reviewed ''Harvest Moon: One Star'' a few weeks back and said it was the imperfect Pod Person replica of the original franchise that got rejected for forgetting to glue its nose on properly, and that you should probably hold out for the new ''Story of Seasons'', I immediately realised, &quot;Oh, crunchy nut bugger-flakes, I've tied my hands on this one, haven't I?&quot; I've basically endorsed ''Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town'', sight unseen, so now I have to review it to make sure it doesn't leave skidmarks on the guest towels. After all, it's not like the original ''Harvest Moon'' developers are hoarding the secret formula for light farming sims like it's the recipe for Coke; you just need a twenty minute day cycle, a brace of anime hotties and an at best truncated idea of childbirth. Some of the original ''Harvest Moon''s were stinkers, like that one on the GameCube from the &quot;make everything look like we're viewing it through a coffee filter&quot; era of graphics that had all the visual charm of the top layer of scum on the pond behind the abattoir. If you want to know if ''Pioneers of Olive Drab'' is better than ''Harvest Moon: One Wank'', then yes, it is, but that's not much of a bar to clear.

=== [[w:Outriders (video game)|Outriders]] ===
* Blimey, I thought video games were supposed to be violent! I've been doing so little killing lately I'm becoming dangerously well-adjusted. Just look at my last few reviews: idle games, management games, farming sims, last night a stray cat came into my front garden and I didn't stomp it to death. High time for some good old fashioned mindless violence. And who better to provide it than People Can Fly, the developers behind ''Painkiller'', old-school boomer shooter from before old-school boomer shooters were wallpapering the fucking rumpus room, and more recently of ''Bulletstorm'', quirky tongue-in-cheek spectacle shooter that's like ''Gears of War'' trying desperately to loosen up at the office Christmas party. I can certainly trust them to provide a murder simulator that’s at least interesting to talk about and not another bloody multiplayer-focussed looter shooter with endless copy pasted bullet sponge baddies and a cover art depicting some smug people walking slowly towards the camera. Isn’t that right, People Can Fly? Yeah, I know ''Outriders'' is all of the things I just said! I was doing a little funny, wipe that puppy dog look off your face.
* ''Outriders''' blurb file says a couple of interesting things: firstly, that it can be completely enjoyed in single-player, which is always a wonderful excuse to test that claim. Does this mean you have an offline mode, ''Outriders''? &quot;Oho ho ho ho! It's good that we can still have fun, Yahtzee!&quot; Yes, might as well admit now that this will only be a review of the first four or five hours of ''Outriders'', 'cos most of the limited time I had to play it in, the servers stayed on about as reliably as an oversized sweater on a mischievous dog. I know we're all fucking jaded to games being always online these days, but maybe, as a favor to me, you could all go back to not being jaded just for a little bit? Burn down a few shrines to capitalism? How about one shrine to capitalism? And you don't even have to burn it; we can just piss in the letterbox.

=== [[w:It Takes Two (video game)|It Takes Two]] ===
* People often say to me &quot;Yahtzee, why is it that you avoid multiplayer games, and when will you let me off this red hot grating?&quot; Well, you know, it's just that I prefer playing games to relax and unwind at my own pace and not be disappointed once again by other people and their unwillingness to learn how to tap dance properly.
* The premise is, a married couple whose relationship is bottoming out so hard it's getting carpet burns inform their friendless, presumably homeschooled and probably on the spectrum daughter that they're getting divorced. Said daughter proceeds to cry on some dolls she made of her parents for Christ knows what reason and the parents' souls get magically transferred into the dolls. Blimey! Lucky she didn't cry into some bog roll or the sandwich she was eating; that would've been a bit Kafkaesque. The parents must then work together to find a way back to normal by navigating abstract puzzle platforming fantasy worlds based on aspects of their family home, which appears to have been about the size of Windsor fucking Castle. Harangued from start to finish by an omnipotent self-help book with a slightly racist accent whom you and the protagonists will swiftly want to murder. In fact, I'd have given the game's story more points if it had ended with the family finally coming together over a cheerful backyard book burning.

=== [[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]] ===
* Now, Resident Evil has had its ups and downs, in my view: mainly downs, and specifically two ups - ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''Resident Evil 7'' - and ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' is best summarized as what you'd get at the exact midpoint between those two games. So, from ''7'', we have the first-person gameplay that, again, feels like we're piloting a refrigerator box balanced on a Roomba, as well as essentially the same plot beat-for-beat: Ethan gets toyed with by family of psychos, kills them one-by-one, discovers something near the end that ties it to the overarching ''Resident Evil'' story, the way one ties the leash of a perfectly satisfactory dog to the front of a combine harvester. The only difference is the acreage. And from ''Resident Evil 4'', we take the gothic B-movie vibe, inventory system, quirky merchant character and associated weapon upgrade mechanics, and basically the whole setting: isolated village in open-quotes &quot;Europe&quot;. &quot;Europe&quot;, eh? So somewhere between Manchester and Istanbul, then?
* &quot;Hey, we should probably do something to seem like we're not just entirely copying RE4's homework!&quot; &quot;Hmmm... what's the exact opposite of a tiny castle-owning man?&quot; &quot;A giant castle-owning woman!&quot; &quot;Genius! Fish fingers all 'round.&quot; Yeah, sorry if you got into that whole meme that arose around Lady Dimitrescu, because whoops! She's only the boss of the first area; she dies, like, two hours in, and then it's back to fantasizing about your high school French teacher in a milkmaid outfit.
* &quot;Yahtzee, ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''7'' were your two highlights of the series! Surely, a game that combines them must be everything you'd want, right?&quot; WRONG! Dirty boy! No mummy milkies for you! First of all, it's hard to appreciate the creativity on display when so many of its moments and mechanics are copied beat-for-beat from its two main influences, but more importantly, ''4'' and ''7'' were good for different reasons: ''4'' was amusingly camp and action-focused and grand in scope but ''7'' was survival-focused and benefited from a narrowing of scope that made it effectively unnerving. ''8'' as a result is a severely mixed bag. How mixed? Put it like this: there is a moment in ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' that was the most genuinely terrifying horror experience I've had in a video game for a very long time. There is another moment some time later where you're in a dreary repetitive industrial environment fighting cyborgs, and it's about as scary and exciting as trying to squeeze past a Borg cosplayer on a narrow staircase. And when I say &quot;moment&quot;, I mean about an hour. This is part of the decline the game suffers after Mommy Milkies has spooged herself out of the game and after the really effective horror part: it's the bit in the dollhouse - alright, I presume it's okay for a review to identify the bit it's praising, I dunno, you people cry spoilers if I so much as tell you Ethan Winters' inside leg measurement.

=== [[w:Miitopia|Miitopia]] ===
* Remember the Nintendo Wii? After the Nintendo GameCube was the console equivalent of a Chinese gymnast, well crafted and colourfully dressed but painfully undernourished, remember how Nintendo followed it up with something that resembled a UFO cult's purity testing device and it sold better than mouthwash outside a blowjob factory and everyone was all like &quot;Ooh, motion controls are the future of gaming!&quot; and I was all like &quot;No, they've only attracted a short-term crowd of gimmick-loving trend followers and ultimately the long-term core audience of gaming plays to relax and unwind and not morris dance around the fucking living room.&quot; And then the consoles were all like &quot;Don't listen to grumpy trousers! Motion controls all round!&quot; Ten years on and the Xbox has had to sheepishly remove its Kinect like a hat at a funeral. The PlayStation Move is relegated to backup Christmas-themed sex toys. And the Wii itself is consigned forever to the leaky trough of consumer history with all its brown gunk encrusted controllers and cheaply made third party hidden object games about Toy Story cast after it - and I'm still exactly where I was but with a slightly nicer chair, so looks like ''I'' won, ''hunter duckers''.

=== [[w:Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts 2|Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2]] ===
* The plot, right, is that you're a lone sniper in a nondescript Middle Eastern oil nation with a new government that I guess didn't import enough ''Simpsons'' DVDs and therefore the Western powers want ousted. You proceed to oust it by tracking down a bunch of key power brokers and turning all their heads into very short lived and highly pressurised ornamental fountains, concluding with the big leader herself. You do all of that, then the very no nonsense voice in your head says well done, then you go home. I guess I was expecting a twist, like the big leader gets in a giant robot suit or some kind of fortified bunker at least and isn't just standing around in a courtyard looking like she's waiting to complain to the gardener about some neglected leylandiis. Or maybe the very no nonsense voice in your head could be lying about your targets - you only have his word that they're evil and the worst ''you'' ever see them do is neglect to close the Venetian blinds before you make everyone else in the room forever paranoid of distant shrubbery. There is kind of a twist in that there's one last surprise target you need to ornamental fountain after the main lady, but Mr. No-Nonsense Handler tacks it onto your to-do list with all the gravitas of a request that you pick up a carton of milk on the way home.
* So you have to snipe crazy long distances calculating wind drift and bullet drop-off, so it's actually rewarding when you score a headshot and it's like watching slow motion footage of a dog overturning their food bowl. But this is a modern stealth game and so as always the spectre of Cockup Cascade hangs overhead like a socially inept zeppelin. If you miss your target and set off an alert then just fucking reload, because if you couldn't cottage cheese their noggin while they were standing around daydreaming about pies then you definitely won't do it while they're sprinting to the car. And when alerted, all the enemy bodyguards instantly know your position 'cos I guess they're all experts in trigonometry, or maybe my mum made me carve my name and address into all my bullets, and they start firing back. And, mystifyingly, can hit you. From a thousand metres! Makes me wonder why I blew all my money on the sniper rifle equivalent of a Porsche 911 if a bunch of rusty AKs that a rogue nation picked up at the CIA's last rummage sale can achieve the same result!

=== [[w:Mario Golf|Mario Golf]] ===
* The point is, you know it's a slim pickings kind of release week when I seriously give a ''Mario Golf'' game a chance, but I figured, &quot;Hey! I just came off slightly enjoying the sniping gameplay in that ''Sniper: Roast Waterfowl with Carrots 2'' game, and what's golf gameplay if not sniping gameplay without the body count?&quot; And so, I set out to escape from worrying about rising income inequality by pretending to be an internationally famous public figure enjoying a sport exclusively played by rich cunts... or not. And that was the first troubling sign: when I started the main single-player campaign, and you don't get to play as Mario. The named characters are only for the multiplayer and challenge modes, I'm afraid; the peasants have to play the campaign as a custom Mii, because of course, when I play something called &quot;Mario Golf&quot;, I want to spend the whole time playing as Richard Dean Anderson or Jeffrey Dahmer. Mario, if you can slam your name over the top of this title like an artificially enlarged penis across an unsuspecting forehead, you can damn well stop scoffing mushroom tortellini in the clubhouse and put some bloody work in!

=== [[w:Ys IX: Monstrum Nox|Ys IX: Monstrum Nox]] ===
* ''Ys: Molesting Nonce'' is the latest in the courageously persistent and long-running ''Ys'' series of mid-budget Japanese action RPGs that's been about three steps behind the rest of the industry its whole life. But while the games have never exactly lit up gaming horizons like a napalm strike in nipple tassels, I tend to find them fucking adorable, like a little toddler coming downstairs at an adult party going, &quot;I'm a gwown-up!&quot;, wearing Daddy's best jacket and waving Mummy's favorite clitoral stimulator.
* ''Ys'' has gradually embraced the various innovations of the action RPG genre at its own leisurely pace, and has recently discovered that open-world sandboxes are a thing, with ''Monstrum Nox'' giving you full-on gliding, hookshotting, and wall-running super powers to let you leap gaily about a fantasy city like a flea on an extremely passive St. Bernard. A city of nondescript buildings, all decked out in repeating gray-brown brickwork like the default texture in the ''Duke Nukem 3D level'' editor, but bless 'em anyway; they're trying so hard. 
* The Monstrums shape the overall plot in that each chapter, Adol gets to know one of them, add them to his adventuring party, and discover their civilian identity, and it never ceases to be hilarious that the game keeps presenting it like we're meant to be surprised, because the Monstrum disguise basically consists of a change of hairdo. Which might make some sense in Anime World, where there are ninety thousand hairdos and three faces for everyone to share, but come the fuck on! Oh, the sassy, matronly party member with big tits is secretly the only other sassy, matronly character with big tits? Next, you'll be telling me that Prince Adam knows more than he's saying about this &quot;He-Man&quot; fella.

=== [[w:No More Heroes III|No More Heroes 3]] ===
* I'm confused, Suda51. I was under the impression there were no more heroes three games ago. Then you had a desperate struggle trying to find a few to carry the sequel the way one roots around in a stubborn nostril for the last scraps of tasty bogey before anyone notices, then the series went quiet for so long and I feel like I'd finally come to terms with there being no more heroes, only for you to find a few more lying around for another sequel. Were there ever no more heroes, Suda51? ''Final Fantasy'' never fucking ends, ''Mega Man'' is blatantly not old enough to shave - I don't know who to trust anymore.

=== [[w:Psychonauts 2|Psychonauts 2]] ===
* Ah, ''Psychonauts'', what a great game that was... I hope your fingers are still smarting from the last time I had to bring that across. Sure, the platforming physics were a bit jank and all the characters looked like their concept art had been scanned in by someone with Parkinson's disease, but it was funny and well written and ''weird'' because it was a Tim Schafer game from that wonderful golden age of the PS2 era when games could be weird and culty - I said &quot;CULTY&quot;! - because they weren't expected to make enough money to pay for the CEO's moon expedition. Unfortunately they were still expected to make some amount of money and that's where ''Psychonauts 1'' fell short on initial release, and why I had to start breaking fingers.
* ...While the look and feel of ''Psychonauts'' hasn't changed much, one significant difference is that the people creating it have aged about twenty fucking years, and Crikey Seamus O'Testicles does that come across at times. Where the first game focussed on a group of kids Raz's age and their children’s problems like bullying and having to go to the psychotic dentist, Raz's fellow interns are all disaffected teenage ''[[w:Extreme Ghostbusters|Extreme Ghostbusters]]'' rejects and the plot isn't even about them - much. They just sort of pop up as a convenient peer group whenever Raz needs someone to get embarrassed in front of; it's almost like they're teenagers in a game being written by people who don't really identify with young people anymore. Which might also explain why the plot eventually focusses squarely on the original founders of the Psychonauts, and Raz having to fix their doddery, old, [[w:Farrah Fawcett|Farrah Fawcett]]-liking brains so they can help him defeat their one-time nemesis, so from the halfway point of the plot we suddenly have to stop giving a toss about any established characters and exclusively reserve our tosses for the backstories and inner worlds of these hitherto unexplored vintage scrotes. It's like if most of the second half of ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|The Last Crusade]]'' was devoted to a flashback about Indiana Jones' dad. Yes, I'm sure Indiana Jones' dad had a jolly interesting and storied life, but I'm kinda here to watch Indiana Jones biff Nazis and snog hotties, and the closest his dad gets to snogging hotties is adding tabasco to his Sunday brunch Bloody Mary.

=== [[w:Deathloop|Deathloop]] ===
* You know what, fine; maybe time loop games can be a genre. They're a nice neat way to formalize the standard save/load function within the context of the plot and they let us live the fantasy of not having to advance beyond the present day and watch our civilization's gradual transformation into a gigantic consumer electronics landfill. But they can't officially be a genre without a proper exemplar. What ''Doom'' is to Doom clones, ''Dark Souls'' to Soulslikes, the bitter polyamory of Metroid and Vania. Yeah, I know there's been half a dozen time loop indie games, but there're so many indie games competing for attention none of them have a high enough profile, it's like trying to see magic eye pictures in television static.
* The premise is: you are Colt Vahn, grizzled mercenary type ('cos you can't exactly get a job at the DMV with a name like that) who wakes up with no memories on an island full of good-time Charlies who have deliberately locked themselves in a one day Time Loop so they can party forever and never have to deal with the ever-downsliding outside world, and Colt wants to escape from this situation, which is the first glaring plot hole for me. Fucking hell, airdrop in two crates of hard cider and a Real doll and show me where to sign, guys!
* Colt discovers that the only way to kill the loop is to assassinate the eight superpowered nerds who set it up. None of whom are particularly hard to kill, but the snag is, you have to kill them ''all'' in a single loop, and they're deliberately avoiding each other, so your quest is to repeat the day until you've figured out the precise sequence of actions that will result in all of them karking it, since they don't remember things from loop to loop and will always keep the same schedule. And that's glaring plot hole number two, because why would these party nerds want to set up a time loop that resets their ''own memories'' every loop?! Surely from their perspective it would just be a normal day? One that ends with a grizzled mercenary type decanting their brain matter across the fucking Twister mat?

=== [[w:Kena: Bridge of Spirits|Kena: Bridge of Spirits]] ===
* There's nothing particularly wrong with ''Kena: [[w:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart|Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart]]'', which is probably why the couple of things I do find irksome stand out all the stronger like choking hazards in my morning porridge. And the biggest, most notable fishhook in the oatmeal for me – and I stress this might just be a me thing – is the character design. They've gone for a Disney/Pixar inspired look so everyone's got that Elsa from ''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' face, with the manipulative doe-eyes so gigantic that if you intend to get lost in them you should probably pack at least twelve days' worth of provisions, and the chubby cheeks and tiny noses and slightly unsettlingly realistic hair and constant lopsided condescending expression like they're expecting the photo for the movie poster to be taken at any moment and the general look like they've just been through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a gerbil, who in turn had just gone through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a balloon animal. This is an art style that suits goofy family musicals about friendship, not the humourless po-faced psychopomp shit going on here. You look at their feet and slowly track upwards and your brain goes &quot;Normal proportions, normal proportions, normal proportions, ''JESUS FUCKING CHRIST'' THE GERBIL GOT INTO THE HELIUM CUPBOARD!&quot;

=== [[w:Far Cry 6|Far Cry 6]] ===
* Well, hijack my helicopters, I can't believe there’s been six ''Far Cry'' games already! Surely the concept of liberating an open world sandbox from a charismatic fuckface by clearing out base after base with a silenced sniper rifle and occasionally having to shake a mountain lion off your todger is still as fresh and exciting as a dissipating fart in a locked sauna. So what original new setting is the premise being airdropped into now, Ubisoft? Liberating a chain of remote Scottish islands from charismatic football hooligans? Liberating an antarctic research station from a charismatic penguin? &quot;No! This time you're liberating... a tropical island!&quot; Erm. You mean like in ''Far Cry 3''? And ''Far Cry 1''? &quot;No, of course not. You're in the Caribbean for a start. That's slightly more equatorial than the last two tropical islands. Probably. And anyway, this time you're liberating the tropical island from a charismatic totalitarian dictator.&quot; Like the one in ''Far Cry 4''? &quot;Look, if you like freshness so much, why don't you piss off to your local Whole Foods and stick your head under the intermittent broccoli misting device?!&quot;
* On the fictional tropical probably slightly more equatorial island of Yara, a charismatic totalitarian dictator – with the emphasis on ''dick'' – is oppressing the people, and you are a generic ex-military type with ties to the resistance and a mysterious tendency to go on violent rampages as favours for people you've just met. You're planning to get on a refugee boat and escape to America, where you will happily live out your days getting blamed for all the nation's problems by chronically obese people in motorized wheelchairs, but moot point because you're going to escape about as surely as the annoying fly in my kitchen when I'm holding the back door wide fucking open, so of course your boat gets shot up and all your friends die and you wash up on the beach. Interestingly though, this doesn't change your motive. You only sign up with the rebels so they'll give you another, less shot up boat to escape to Disneyworld in. Which they do, also interestingly, at the end of the first chapter. Wishing you the best of luck with your Burger King application. So I'm looking at this boat thinking &quot;Hang on, this smacks of that 'joke ending' thing the last couple of ''Far Cry''s have done where you can make your character flat out not start the game and piss off home instead.&quot; And I was buggered if I was gonna play the whole first chapter again, so I just meekly went back to the rebels and magically became a die hard dedicated revolutionary because the premise demanded it. This annoyed me because in previous games – well, mainly just 3 – I enjoyed the way the main character and his motives developed organically over the course of the plot, but this feels like they're asking me to do all the work. What, do I just invent my own reason for why my dude abandons his escape plan and joins the rebels? Fine. I'm also going to invent that he secretly draws Gummi Bears porn and has a model 19th century sailboat instead of a cock. Whee, this is fun.

=== [[w:Back 4 Blood|Back 4 Blood]] ===
* Oh boy, another entry for the hall of &quot;thinly disguised remakes of games made by creators who don't have the rights to the originals anymore.&quot; And yes, it was a lot of work fitting all that on the plaque by the door. This time it's Turtle Rock, the original creators of zombie shooter ''Left 4 Dead'', bringing out their new zombie shooter, ''Back 4 Blood''. Boy, that disguise is thin even by the usual standards, isn't it? That's like a uniformed policeman trying to go undercover by putting his hat on backwards.
* The &quot;4&quot; in the name comes from there being 4 playable characters, you see. Which is a bit weird, since ''Back 4 Blood'' has 8 playable characters. Yeah, you can only have four playing at a time but if you're into number puns there's a lot you can do with 8. &quot;Running L-8&quot;, &quot;Zombies 8 My Face&quot;? Oh wait, not zombies, &quot;infected&quot;! No wait, not &quot;infected&quot;, &quot;Ridden&quot;! ''Ridden?'' That's a word that just reeks of &quot;we had to come up with a legally distinct alternative,&quot; isn't it? No one in reality would call them &quot;The Ridden&quot;. What, are we up against a resistance group founded by disgruntled domestic horses? I keep misreading it as &quot;the Riddler&quot; and wondering if civilization has finally been brought down by Batman's most confounding foe.

=== [[w:Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy|Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy]] ===
* Oh, you want opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy'', do you? Oh boy, do I have opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. On the one hand it's a snot-squirtingly mediocre game that like so many AAA games of its ilk has the air of something that was stitched together from preexisting templates by about nine different teams who haven’t been talking to each other since a harrowing experience at the company picnic, but it also has a licensed soundtrack that includes &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;, so on the other hand it's my game of the year, no more questions, please. I can only assume someone at Square must've stolen my high school crush diary, 'cos how else would they know that &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot; is my one weakness? See, there's absolutely no action a living being can take that doesn't become slightly cooler when it's done to &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;. Even fingerpainting with Grandma takes on a sort of air of euphoric defiance.
* Our story begins with Star-Choad and his motley crew – Drax &quot;pro-wrestler named after a bathroom disinfectant&quot; The Destroyer, Rocket &quot;My motion capture animation makes me look like a tiny person in a mascot costume&quot; Raccoon, Gam &quot;I don't really have anything to do in this plot&quot; Ora, and Rocket Raccoon's pot plant – flying through space doing their best ''Cowboy Bebop'' impression when their latest money-making scheme goes awry and they get embroiled in a threat against the entire galaxy that they must overcome by finally learning to come together and work as a team, which they do about eight or nine times at a conservative estimate. Because AAA only makes two kinds of single player games these days – open worlds, and this thing. A tortuously drawn out sequence of clunkily separated gameplay modes strung together like a collage on the wall of a primary school classroom. It's got a token combat element relegated strictly to samey enclosed combat arenas, action set pieces possibly involving quick time events or their kissing cousin: the chase sequence where you die instantly if you do anything other than press forwards, and all of that is spaced out with prolonged sequences of walking very slowly through spectacular skyboxes, occasionally squeezing through very narrow passages so the rendering engine can have a quick swig of energy drink before the next spectacular skybox. Throughout these slow bits the characters banter. ''By the anal fistwork of the Siddhartha Buddha'', do they banter! You can't stop 'em! It's like that Spider-Man three panel daily newspaper comic, where Spider-Man has to recap that he's up against Doctor Octopus nineteen times in a single lunch meeting. They bang on about what they're doing, what they just did, what they're about to do... &quot;Ooh, the boss we're about to fight is supposed to be like ninety feet tall with wings like stage curtains and teeth like an overbooked Ku Klux Klan meeting&quot; – Which usually turns out to be true even though it sounded like they were setting up a gag where the boss turns out to be a goat in a hat or something. I feel sorry for the no doubt small legion of poor bastards they had writing all this shit because about 75% of the conversations got cut off by me entering a narrow passage or starting the next set piece because of my infuriating desire to progress in the game at slightly above a slow walking pace.

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Vanguard|Call of Duty: Vanguard]] ===
* &quot;Well, go on then, Yahtz, tell us World War II shooters are overdone. And while you're at it, be sure to inform us that water is wet and modern political discourse is fucked.&quot; Ironically, pointing out World War 2 shooters are overdone is, itself, overdone. We're stuck in the fucking ouroboros of tedium, the snake eating its own tail while complaining that the seasoning is bland. Actually, I wasn't going to rag on ''Call of Duty'' for going &quot;Nazi-fartsy&quot; on us again, because I've come to accept that while shooters can't seem to get away from World War II, it definitely hasn't been for want of ''trying''. The ''Modern Warfare'' trend was about as valiant an attempt as one could expect, and we all know where that ended so, ''fuck it'', let shooters have their fucking comfort zone. It's the only uncomplicatedly good setting for a quote &quot;realistic&quot; shooter. Get too close to the present and war's mainly decided not by the ground-level machine gun exchanges that FPSes bank on, but by whose tech can make the biggest explosion happen the furthest away. Also it's still the war with the best narrative. Where the writers weren't trying to frame the side with aircraft carriers and predator drones as the plucky underdogs struggling valiantly against an opponent armed mainly with harsh language and angry livestock. Besides, the lesson &quot;don't be like the Nazis, ''you stupid fucks''&quot; is one that certain audiences still haven't properly internalised in this modern age apparently, so fuck it, all is forgiven, World War II shooters.

=== [[w:Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition|Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition]] ===
* Ooh, you want to be very careful about declaring any release of anything to be the &quot;definitive&quot; version. Partly because I think that's a subjective thing. There will be people out there for whom their &quot;definitive&quot; experience of watching ''The Crying Game'' was at three in the morning blitzed out on mescaline with both feet immersed in buckets of wallpaper paste. And as for removing previous versions of the thing from sale, well, let me tell you a cautionary fable about a proud little man named George Lucas who decided that no one had any need for any version of the original ''Star Wars'' trilogy that didn't have added Loony Toons sound effects and CG as dated as Sean Connery's relationship advice. And now George Lucas has to sit there and plaster on a smile as the Disney corporation peels the skin off his life's work and stretches it so thin it would disappoint a Marmite enthusiast.
* &quot;Remaster&quot; is becoming rather a foreboding word in my glossary. Not a &quot;re-release&quot;: same game with stability tweaks and maybe a nice resolution upgrade to pad out the shelf-life. Nor a &quot;remake&quot;: a complete ground-up reinterpretation through the lens of modern sensibilities, polishing up the mechanics and filtering out the gay jokes. Remastering is a cold and unpleasant No Man's Land between the two, wanting the nostalgia cash-in of the latter while only putting in the level of effort required for the former. Except for the QA-department, which in this case was putting in the level of effort required for a permanent vegetative state. All they've really done is put the textures through an HD filter and updated the lighting engine. And when you do that with boxy turn of the millennium era 3D environments you end up with a look that I like to call &quot;Little Timmy got loose on the custom level editor.&quot; The retro textures were a match for the janky retro 3D physics and unrefined gameplay design. The characters' faces were indistinct enough your brain was willing to give their intended expression the benefit of the doubt. Now you've got the uncanny valley effect that comes from everyone emoting like ''Thomas the Tank Engine'' characters. It's like, I can't appreciate the effort you put into applying lipstick to this pig, Rockstar, because now I'm going to feel weird about eating it. And also the lipstick has somehow given the pig dysentery, because even this easy mode remastering has made it explode with crash bugs and graphical glitches like those masks from ''Halloween III''. I was playing the PS5 version – 'cos you may remember the PC release got yanked back off stores on day one like a disobedient dog off an unguarded picnic – and even that was crashing to home more often than a thirty year old liberal arts major. And after all this they still didn't fix some of the things about the old GTAs that could have used a remaster. Like the way half the voice lines in ''San Andreas'' were compressed right the fuck down to fit on a CD and now they all sound like you're listening to them while pouring Captain Crunch down your earholes.

=== [[w:Halo Infinite|Halo Infinite]] ===
* Since ''Halo Infinite'' takes influence from open world shooters, there is a quite inexhaustible supply of bastards because what else are you gonna do in post-ending fuckabouts mode? I say &quot;takes influence from open worlds&quot; rather than flat out &quot;is an open world&quot;. Certainly there's an open world in it. One that showed up late to the final exam for open worlds and had to hastily scribble out an assignment that it turned out was from last year's syllabus. It's like some board of directors heard about this open world thing the kids like and told market research to compile a powerpoint, and they came back with &quot;copy pasted towers and base assaults as far as the eye can see&quot;. And besides when it forces you to climb four copy pasted towers spread out around the map before it lets you into the next part, the overall plot doesn't really engage with the open world. Completing the optional base assaults or side activities doesn't give you any significant edge in standard gameplay, since the most powerful pew pew laser guns are always conveniently strewn around every combat and boss arena like mini-fridges in hotel rooms and none of the optional crap you can do makes them pew pew any harder. For you see while ''Halo'' is flirting with open worlds, it will never stray from its true love: shiny corridors. Its eye might have briefly been drawn by the open world's sensuous curves but its love for shiny corridors is the kind of unyielding emotional bedrock on which contented marriages are built. So the open world sections are separated by plot missions where you complete inescapable sequences of enclosed arenas connected by shiny corridors now you're done fooling about with your open world hussy. And I feel ''Halo Infinite'' should've picked a lane. Why not go full ''Breath of the Wild''? Maybe Ms. Open World can't offer stability, but it might've livened up your dull middle age, Halo. Trying to talk the missus into this undignified polyamory is only going to look bad in divorce court. But with an open world comes a need for traversal mechanics, most ''Halo'' vehicles flip over if they drive over anything larger than a chocolate raisin and the terrain is usually about as even as a section of your grandmother's upper thigh served with crinkle cut chips, so to counterbalance all that, Master Chief gets a fucking hookshot. ''And I fucking love it!'' It's not as fast or as versatile as, say, the ''Just Cause'' hookshot, probably because it has to haul around the dump truck Master Chief is constantly wearing and all the Mars bars secreted in the glove compartment, but there are very few games that wouldn't be improved by a grappling hook. Losing at ''Civilization'' wouldn't be so bad if I had the option of a dignified exit. So I was hook-shotting up to vantage points to descend upon enemy bases, hook-shotting into vehicles to hijack them, and outside the open world, hook-shotting my merry way down shiny corridors to avoid wearing out Master Chief's plimsolls. But for some reason the game seems to have mistaken this core traversal mechanic for a gimmicky gadget. You have to unequip the grappling hook to use deployable cover, dodge thrusters or see enemies through Walls-o-Vision. So guess what three things I never fucking used.

=== [[w:Five_Nights_at_Freddy's:_Security_Breach|Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach]] ===
* ''...Security Breach'' is a full-on first-person stealth shooter Metroid-vania reminiscent of ''Alien: Isolation,'' if ''Alien: Isolation'' had '''''fucking sucked prehensile slimy dick!'''''  I don't even ''have'' to review it.  I only started playing it in case my ''Dying Light 2'' code didn't come in, and it did.  But when it did, I said to myself, &quot;Y'know what?  Techland's new over-produced grind-a-thon can wait its fucking turn, because ''Security Breach'' is very bad and I want to hurt it!&quot;
* Eventually I did this enough times that the game went, &quot;Oh! It's coming up on six o'clock! You can go the main entrance and leave!&quot;  Feels like there's a lot of the map that hasn't been used yet, but I am so not going to question this; got to the exit, the game goes, &quot;''Psych!''  This is the bad ending!  You gotta keep playing to get the rest of the plot.&quot;  D'oh, the old ''Symphony of The Night'' trick.  Okay, guess I won't leave.  &quot;Great!  We are now permanently disabling saving the game.&quot;  '''''WHAT!?'''''  ''Why the fuck are you doing that?''  Are you embarrassed about the good ending or something?  Are your knickers in shot at one point and now you're going to discourage me from trying?  Well, mission fucking accomplished!
* I can only assume that using jump-scares to provoke funny reactions from streamers started getting old, and now they're seeing if similar results can be achieved from just annoying the shit out of them.  And if that ''is'' the case, look at me falling right into the trap.  I hope the sweetness of that victory covers up the taste of ''MY DIIIIIICK!''  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/five-nights-at-freddys-security-breach-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Pokémon Legends: Arceus|Pokémon Legends: Arceus]] ===
* ...''Pokémon Legends: Arceus'' is basically ''Pokémon'' as an Isekai. Just the thing for all you ''Pokémon'' fans who were concerned that ''[[w:Pokémon GO|Pokémon GO]]'' had made the franchise marginally less embarrassing to talk about in grown-up conversations. The premise is, you are generic contemporary gender to be determined Pokémon trainer who I guess fell off the stage in ''Smash Brothers Brawl'' or something and wakes up in the olden days of the Pokémon world when Pokémon training has only just become a thing. The protagonist swiftly astonishes the primitive locals and is hailed as a hero from the sky when they show no fear towards some tiny adorable fluffy helpless baby animals and beans them all in the skull. Silly, yes, but finally a ''Pokémon'' game where it kinda makes sense that you seem to be the only trainer who's figured out they can carry more than three or four of the buggers. Soon we get recruited by a quote &quot;surveying&quot; organization who have tasked themselves to quote &quot;survey&quot; all the local Pokémon by capturing them and forcing them into either manual labour or gladiatorial combat. You know, the same way Columbus &quot;surveyed&quot; the Americas. Or how one &quot;surveys&quot; an ant colony with a kettle of boiling water.

=== [[w:Babylon's Fall|Babylon's Fall]] ===
* I tried out ''Babylon's Fall'', Platinum's new live service hack-n-slashathon on PS5, or had a crack at it if you will, not that it made it easy. First it wouldn't even start without a PS Plus subscription, even though I only wanted to play single player because y'know, humanity. It's like a highway bypass: I understand why it needs to exist but I'd rather not have one in my house. Got past that and ''Babylon's Fall'' still wouldn't unbutton its top until I also signed into a Square Enix account. What the fuck possible benefit do you imagine I'd extract from signing up for another fucking account, Square Enix, other than one more excuse to never check my email?! Christ, this is like trying to get through airport security with an inflatable novelty suitcase nuke. But eventually I got through it all and when I was on the other side of the metal detector putting my shoes back on and admiring the new tag they'd punched through my ear, I cast a look around and thought to myself: &quot;Oooh. This looks like shit!&quot; As in, it literally resembles faecal matter, decked out mostly in glistening browns except for a streak of vibrant blue from an accidentally swallowed whiteboard marker. It looks like a PS3 game, all brown and flatly lit with characters textured and animated like a papier-mâché diorama about kitchen utensils. It even has a classic case of cheaping out on the cutscenes by just panning over still images with increasingly agonizing slowness. I thought the download size was suspiciously small.

=== [[w:Tiny Tina's Wonderlands|Tiny Tina's Wonderlands]] ===
* Hey, kids! Are you trying to write a comedy game but are worried you don't have the chops? Well, worry no more! ''You don't.'' But you can fake it 'til you make it with the patented ''Borderlands'' method! A simple three-step process that will turn any dry functional dialogue line into gut-busting hilarity. Step one: Say the thing. Step two: Keep talking like you're a socially inept party-goer who's just had his first line of coke. Step three: Transition into some kind of embarrassed tangent to reflect a level of self-awareness otherwise largely absent from the work. Let's see it in action! &quot;Go through that door&quot; becomes &quot;Go through that door, because there's probably treasure on the other side, and by 'treasure' I mean 'more hideous violence against strangers' which is treasure to me. My doctor says I should get out more.&quot; Now was that funny or what? No, it wasn't, not in the least. But it does have a sort of comedy vibe about it and maybe that's all you need. You know, it's comedy in the sense that Owen Wilson is an actor. Obviously I'm being facetious here, there's a lot more to ''Borderlands''' specific brand of humour than just characters who talk too much. Sometimes they do it in a silly voice as well. And some of them shout a lot.

=== [[w:Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin|Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin]] ===
* In the prologue of ''Final Fantasy 1'', the four Light Warriors travel to a nearby castle to rescue the kidnapped Princess Sara from the corrupted knight Garland. And ''Stranger on Top of Paradise'' seems to be doing pretty much the same thing until you defeat Garland at the end of the first dungeon, at which point Garland transforms into a girl wearing nothing but a basketball jersey who explains that she was also on a quest to defeat Chaos but decided Chaos didn't exist, and so prayed to Chaos to become Chaos and get defeated, but now she's been defeated so she's failed somehow. And that specifically was the first moment that made me wonder what the fuck this game was drivelling on about, by no means the last. She joins the party and it turns out her name's &quot;Neon&quot;. Aha, I said. Jack, Ash, Jed and Neon, is this a clever riff on how the original game would only allow you to enter names a maximum of four letters long? &quot;Possibly. Anyway, here's your fifth party member, Sophia.&quot; Well fuck you, game.
* Would I be right in assuming that ''Stranger in the Vicinity of Paradise'' got cut down a bit during development? I assume it was going to have a full-on overworld with towns you can explore full of NPCs that all drivel out one utterly banal sentence when you press on their heads. And all that got cut, because the final game is a linear sequence of combat dungeons and cutscenes that you pick from a fucking menu that they drew a map on so you can pretend it's an overworld. And I guess they'd already written the NPC dialogue, because rather than let it go to waste they stuck a submenu at the bottom of the map screen where you can click a name on a list to get subjected to one of the copy-pasted townsfolk making an insipid observation on the current state of the plot. Very useful feature if you happen to have breast cancer and will only survive by boring your own tits off. The budget cuts also hit the combat dungeons to an extent, because so much of them consist of copy pasted identical corridors I was constantly getting turned around and confused. If you want to know where all the money did go, I'd bet on the weapons and armour department. You are constantly being showered with new equipment, every piece of which is lovingly designed and attached to your character model even in cutscenes, ensuring that the light warriors constantly look like they're going to a costume party as the donation bin in front of a second hand kitchenware shop. I wonder if the people doing the face animation for cutscenes knew that the cast would be wearing full face masks most of the time. I further wonder if the armour department's coffee machine ever didn't contain piss.

=== [[w:Trek to Yomi|Trek to Yomi]] and Ravenous Devils ===
* ''Trek to Yomi'''s plot suffers from a bad case of &quot;So ''this'' is what we're doing now?&quot; Where there's about nine different inciting incidents and it takes way too bloody long to get through all of them. In which case I need to drop a spoiler warning, 'cos in explaining the setup of the plot I'll give away like two thirds of it. At first we're a novice samurai whose master gets killed by the big baddie, which is such a trite scenario I'm pretty sure they sell pre-written sympathy cards for it. But then we forget about that and go off to save a village from bandits, promptly fuck that up, try to save our own village from bandits, fuck that up too, die and wake up in Japanese hell, where we must journey to confront our sins and those we wronged in life. Okay, ''this'' is what we're doing, gotcha! Took your fucking time getting to the point.

=== [[w:The Quarry (video game)|The Quarry]] ===
* I'll say this for Supermassive Games, they are world class experts at creating entire casts of characters that I instantly and completely despise. They should take a side gig making war propaganda. If they made one of these games starring a bunch of Russian military officers, I'd join the Ukrainian defense force before you can say &quot;Pierre Kirillovich Bezukhov&quot;. A lot of that comes from the animation. There's still an awkwardness about the motion capture faces, because of course &quot;Haunted Quarry&quot; is a synonym for &quot;Uncanny Valley&quot;. There's something very wrong with everyone's mouths and teeth, like they’ve been enlarged in post-production or something. The stock &quot;sexy girl&quot; character in particular looks like she's trying to talk through a bagel that’s been hot glued to her face. But the dialogue makes me hate them all, too. Everyone's got a bad case of verbally explaining their personalities to each other. &quot;Why are you always so upbeat?&quot; &quot;Why are you always cracking jokes?&quot; Those were jokes, were they? Fuckin' news to me. I couldn't decipher them through your private language of arrogant snorts, and constant needlessly abrasive digs at each other. Basically every two way dialog choice comes down to &quot;be a complete prick&quot; or &quot;be a partial prick&quot; and even exclusively taking the second option it still felt like everyone was trying to break the loathsomeness speed record: &quot;Okay, I hated you after six words of dialogue, let’s see who can beat that. Whoa, hold the phone, the buff jock dude’s wearing a backwards baseball cap. He wins. He did it in zero.&quot;
* Like all Supermassive's prior choose your own adventure books, if the intention is to make me feel like I'm watching a movie, I'd think it was a very poorly edited one. It's always painfully obvious when alternative dialogue has been swapped in, 'cos there'll be an awkward pause and someone's emotional state will mysteriously swivel on a dime. The geography of each scene is very poorly established. Characters have a weird habit of teleporting in and out of the room between cuts. Like, we fight off a monster and then oh no, the monster is attacking Lance Henriksen now and I'm like &quot;When the fuck did Lance Henriksen get here?&quot; Was I supposed to intuit that from the general air of slightly improved acting talent in the atmosphere?

=== [[w:Bob's Game|Bob's Game]] ===
* ...In the mind of its creator, ''Bob's Game'' was so much more than a pixelated distraction any halfway competent RPG Maker user could've farted out in a month – ''Bob's Game'' was a vision. One to which only one platform could do proper justice, and that was a Nintendo handheld. So he eschewed the small publishers that expressed interest and applied for an official Nintendo DS development kit. Now, Nintendo is a big company with a lot on their plate between making Mario pencil-cases and removing Princess Peach panty shots from ''Smash Bros'', so they did with Pelloni's application what they presumably do with any correspondence from wide-eyed random no-name twats: shunted it to the end of the priority list between trimming Donkey Kong's eyelashes and designing a controller that doesn't suck. And this is where the story of ''Bob's Game'' takes its whoops-we-don't-say-that-anymore turn. You might charitably say that Robert Pelloni was one of those people who had little time for the world outside his own mind. I might less charitably say he had his head so far up his arse he was getting teabagged by his own gallbladder. And he didn't seem to understand that the game's significance within his own life didn't translate into significance to anyone else. As the wait for Nintendo's response stretched into months, Bob decided this was some conspiracy or deliberate snub rather than, say, Nintendo having literally anything better to do, and so he declared that until they acknowledged the game he'd sequestered for five years to make, he would publicly protest by sequestering some more. Now with a webcam on him and with the doors locked for a hundred days. This was successful in that it made him famous amid that sector of the internet that loves to encourage weirdos, especially as he posted a series of increasingly deranged blog posts declaring himself the greatest game designer who ever lived and accusing Nintendo, multibillion dollar company and controller of many of gaming's best known IPs, of being jealous of him, penniless suburban twat. Exactly how much one should read into all this is debatable as after the thirtieth day of his protest when he appeared to be lying motionless in a ransacked bedroom, he claimed to both the internet and the nice helpful police officer that broke down his door that it was all pretend. The protest and insane blog posts had been a viral marketing campaign that we'd all fallen for like the credulous normal-brained people we were.

=== Hell Pie ===
* ''Hell Pie'' gleefully self-identifies as an &quot;obscene platformer&quot; on the Steam page, and you pretty much know what to expect from anything that calls it''self'' &quot;obscene.&quot; We're in the realms of ''[[w:Conker's Bad Fur Day]]'' that outwardly discourages being played by innocent kiddiwinks because it's full of wee-wees and poo-poos, and as always, this is a slim and slightly pathetic façade because it's only kiddiwinks that are remotely amused by such things and actual adults who watch documentaries about the Cuban missile crisis and shit find it more tiresome than shocking. It's like when the toddler looks over to make sure you're watching before they dump an entire box of garlic powder onto the cat.
* &quot;All very well, Yahtz, but we've been stewing on the phrase 'like ''Conker’s Bad Fur Day'' without the wit' for the last two minutes and we'd like you to clarify, because that's like saying 'like Thomas the Tank Engine but without the sizzling erotic subtext.'&quot; Alright, let me draw a direct parallel. In ''Conker's Bad Fur Day'', you go inside a toilet and have a boss fight with a giant poo. And the poo sings an operatic song as it fights you with profane lyrics that rhyme the word &quot;scat&quot; with the word &quot;twat&quot;. This exhibits wit. It's wit to rhyme with shit, but it's wit. The humour lies in a poo, a very unrefined thing, singing opera, a style of music generally considered very refined. In contrast, in ''Hell Pie'', you go into a sewer, and there are poos. And there's no joke there. Some of the poo is alive and hostile and wearing Nazi helmets, but that's not a joke either. There's no comical through line from &quot;Nazi&quot; to &quot;poo&quot;. If the poos had all resembled former British home secretary [[w:Douglas Hurd|Douglas Hurd]], and had been called &quot;Douglas Turds&quot;, that would've been a joke with some wit. As it is all the game has done is dropped some poo on the floor and then looked at me as if it expected me to know what to do with it.
* The tragedy of ''Hell Pie'' is that it had a lot going for it. A strong central mechanic, a nice vibrant appearance, clear dedication and effort from its creators, but it's all let down by being really witlessly, off-puttingly crass. I'm sorry to have to side with your primary school homeroom teacher on this one, ''Hell Pie'', but poo references just aren't big or clever. And I have no idea who this game is even aimed at. Little boys whose idea of intellectual discourse is to compete to see who can yell &quot;fanny flaps&quot; the loudest in a crowded assembly? And of those, the subset that also wants to see small adorable baby animals being bloodily and painfully tortured for no particular reason every time you get a horn upgrade? All I can picture is that one kid I knew in middle school who mysteriously stopped coming to school around the time his sister showed up with burn scars and an eyepatch.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation Zero Punctuation]

[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
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      <text bytes="690978" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Zero Punctuation|Zero Punctuation]]''''' is a series of video game reviews done by [[Ben Croshaw|Ben &quot;Yahtzee&quot; Croshaw]], originally on YouTube, and later for [[w:The Escapist (magazine)|The Escapist Magazine]].

===[[w:The Darkness (video game)|The Darkness Demo]]===
* ''The Darkness'' is a horror themed first-person shooter based on [[w:The_Darkness_(comics)|some comic book I've never heard of]].  The game is by the delightfully named Starbreeze Studios, whose most notable previous title would be ''The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay'' in which players piloted the claymation Vin Diesel in his ongoing quest to masturbate himself raw in the faces of audiences worldwide.
* ...What I was supposed to do was go back to an easily-missed white spot on the ground, use it to summon an evil imp, and instruct it to move a thoughtlessly parked car out of the way of one of the cemetery entrances. Let me just reiterate that: The game literally has me summon a multi-fanged beclawed monstrosity from the depths of hell, not so I can make it enslave the innocent or lay waste to all worldly nations, but so that I can enlist it as my own personal breakdown service!
* Personally, at this point I'd only consider buying the full version of ''The Darkness'' if it came down to budget price, and they threw in [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (video game)|another, better game]]. And some cake. And Belgium. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWS9_nrKOPA]

===[[w:Fable: The Lost Chapters|Fable: The Lost Chapters]]===
* ''Fable'' is by Lionhead Studios, home of longtime auteur game designer Peter Molyneux, who has a tendency to promise the Earth and be ultimately crippled by his own ambition (see the big fat broken monkey-fest ''[[w:Black_%26_White_(video_game)|Black and White]]'').  During the development of ''Fable'', for example, it was promised to have features like rival NPC characters, plants growing in real time, and a system wherein your every slightest choice of action changes your appearance and the world around you. What we ended up with was a buggy action-RPG with a great big stiffy for itself.
* The big selling point, of course, is that you can choose to be a good character or an evil character, so I of course set out to be the evilest bastard who ever lived, and the best way to do this according to the game was to dress in black, grow a big moustache, draw all over my face, and backhand the occasional passer-by.  I also set myself up as a magic user because I wanted to end up looking like [[w:Ming the Merciless|Ming the Merciless]], but the starting spells were all so ridiculously piss-weak that I ended up having to use a sword half the time anyway, and the game ended up dubbing me a &quot;Spellwarrior,&quot; which made me feel like it was calling me an indescisive prick.
* Eventually, I got to the final boss who didn't hold still long enough for my stupidly overpowered dark spell to be effective, so all I could do was whack it repeatedly over the head with my sword while it chewed constantly on my lower body. But I had so many health potions by that point that I could basically drip-feed myself with the stuff and, after the boss popped its scaly clogs, I still had enough left over to throw a health potion keg party. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYQLR7dE5k4]

===[[w:Heavenly Sword|Heavenly Sword]] and [[w:Resident Evil 5|Other Stuff]]===
* Nariko then turns to some...thing sitting vacantly nearby, wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a [[w:Kiss (band) |Kiss]] fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, &quot;We may need you to play twing-twang.&quot; My first thought when I heard that was, &quot;I am so going to quote that out of context,&quot; but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I'd consider buying the full game just to see what &quot;twing-twang&quot; is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus (''yeah, I went there'').
* Part of me feels that, from an artistic standpoint, there may be some merit in ''RE5'' because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving; and forcing the player to do something that they find distasteful as well as frightening is a rather groundbreaking method of doing that. But then again, this is ''Resident Evil'', the series that brought us &quot;squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon&quot;; and if there’s anything sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it’s probably a total accident. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1-Heavenly-Sword-and-Other-Stuff]

===[[w:Psychonauts|Psychonauts]]===
* One of the themes running though Schafer's humor is the juxtaposition of a mundane situation in a bizarre or fantastical setting (see: ''Grim Fandango''), and ''Psychonauts'' continues this tradition by being set in a summer camp for psychics. The story follows the adventures of Raz, a child acrobat who, in deference to tradition, runs away from home to escape the circus rather than join it, and whose natural psychic talent allows him to insinuate himself into the camp without paying tuition fees. Shortly however, karma bites him in the ass when he finds himself embroiled in a sinister plot and having to explore strange ethereal worlds based on the subconscious minds of those around him. It's all kind of like if Tim Burton knocked up David Lynch in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and he did meth right up until the birth.
* ''[listing the good points of the game]'' Firstly, it's something original in an industry that seems to be built on ripping off everyone else. Secondly, it's genuinely funny, while most video games attempting humor are like unanesthetized bowel surgery. Thirdly, every single character is well-defined with their own quirks and personalities, even the tiny, unimportant bit part players that get less screen time than Christopher Lee in the [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|last ''Lord of the Rings'' film]]. And lastly, it's ''fun.'' Remember that? Fun? What we used to have before gaming felt like [[w:World of Warcraft|a second job?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2-Psychonauts]

===[[w:History of video game consoles (seventh generation)|Console Rundown]]===
* With the current generation of consoles, we've reached or nearly reached the point where graphics aren't going to get much better, so we can all stop rushing to top the last generation's technology and concentrate on making some games with [[w:Silent Hill 2|actual depth.]] Except of course that the [[w:PlayStation 3|console]] [[w:Xbox 360|wars]] are all ultimately futile because the best game ever, [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|''Fantasy World Dizzy'']] for the Commodore 64, has already been made. Or maybe all of gaming is pointless, just toying with the gravel on the side of the big road of life. But hey, at least there's [[w:Manhunt (game)|violence]] and [[w:Dead or Alive (game)|tits!]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3-Console-Rundown]

===[[w:Bioshock|BioShock]]===
* ''Bioshock'' is billed as a spiritual successor to [[w:System shock 2 |''System Shock 2'']] and I'm sure ''System Shock 2'' will be very proud of its normal-mapped, [[w:Phong_shading|Phong-shaded]] bastard child because it takes after its daddy almost to the degree of George Bush. And I know what you're going to say: &quot;Yahtzee, you charismatic stallion:  What kind of complaint is that? ''System Shock 2'' was brilliant, and any game that's in any way like it should be equally good.&quot; But that's the thing:  It isn't '''like''' ''System Shock 2'', it '''is''' ''System Shock 2''. Oh sure, it looks different and it differs in the fine detailing and the character names are changed and shit. But once you strip all that out, the bad guy might as well just be SHODAN with a waistcoat and a copy of ''Atlas Shrugged''.
* But there are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4-BioShock]

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|Tomb Raider Anniversary]]===
* The combat's also been upgraded for modern times, and by that I mean they've chucked in the tired old ''God of War''/''Simon Says'' button mashing sequences which every action game has to have now by law. And someone on the design team (''you know who you are'') thought it would be a great idea to have the player constantly press R1 to fire repeatedly rather than just hold it down. But the R1 button is not positioned for comfortable mashing and when you go up against enemies who can take ten million bullets before dying (like say, for example, most of them) then your fingers cramp up like you're playing ''Guitar Hero'' but without the nebbish rock star fantasy.
* ''[helping game publishers find ideas]'' Here's one: A genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5-Tomb-Raider-Anniversary]

===[[w:Manhunt (video game)|Manhunt]]===
* Let's get something straight, all right, third-person action game developers? Left analog stick for movement; right analog stick to rotate camera around player. How is it that, when you see something that works perfectly well, you immediately decide to try and improve it and cock the whole thing up? In ''Manhunt'', the right analog stick changes to the first person camera, which may seem reasonable in theory, but it means that, when you're hiding and trying to see a nearby guard patrolling behind you, you nudge the stick and end up staring at a brick wall. And half the time when you've finally wrestled the camera into the right angle, you'll see the guard has patrolled right up to you and has now shivved you in the bollocks.
* But I seriously don't know whose side to be on when it comes to the debate of whether games like ''Manhunt'' mess with the heads of underaged, impressionable thickies. There's a very clear certification indicating that twelve-year-olds aren't supposed to be playing it, but there's no denying that they play it anyway because no one other than twelve-year-olds are into this sort of thing. Gushing breathlessly about garrote wire decapitation and baseball bat cranial explosion is a good way to win friends in middle school; but around the office water cooler, it's a good way to lose them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6-Manhunt]

===[[w:Peggle|Peggle]]===
* What I can say about it is that I started playing it around noon and emerged from my room sometime later to find that the authorities had declared me legally dead. If the whole &quot;casual gaming&quot; thing has slipped you by, then allow me hold your face under the putrescent waters of knowledge. At some point in the recent past, someone noticed that simple Flash-based 2D colour-matching games like ''Bejeweled'' were making, frankly, ''embarrassing'' amounts of dosh; and the reason for this is that, as time has gone by, bored housewives stuck at home have all independently decided that shagging the TV repairman is no longer appropriate and have turned to video games to amuse themselves instead.
* In summary it's okay, I guess. I preferred ''Bookworm Adventures'', but then I'm one of those hopeless mutants who genuinely enjoys playing ''Scrabble''. That's it. That's about as far as I can review ''Peggle'' because that's the entire extent of the game. I don't know what Pop Cap's mission statement is, but I'm betting that it's something along the lines of, &quot;Use pretty sparkly lights, encouraging sound effects, and as few gameplay elements as possible to make the gaming equivalent of premium crack cocaine.&quot; And it seems to be working for them because they are now worth umpteen millions. '''Millions!''' They exclusively make cheapo 2D games! What the hell do they spend all that money on? Ice cream?  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7-Peggle]

===[[w:Halo 3|Halo 3]]===
* The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my arse until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound, cross-eyed hobbit and you’re armed with the BFG 9000.
* But really, I don't know what I hope to achieve with all this. ''Halo 3'''s already more popular than God and nothing I can say is going to stop Microsoft making enough money to buy Switzerland and reinforce the notion that all gamers want is brightly colored dross with the depth of a spoon. So if in the future we all find ourselves playing &quot;Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure&quot; in what moments we can spare between toiling in the Microsoft overmind's off-world mining complex, then I want you to know that I fucking called it.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8-Halo-3]

===[[w:Tabula Rasa (computer game)|Tabula Rasa]]===
* ''Tabula Rasa'' is a Latin term meaning &quot;blank slate&quot; and generally refers to the school of thought stating that humans are born with no inherent programming. For example, [[w:Richard Garriot|Richard Garriot]] is an utterly demented game designer who wears a crown and insists that people call him Lord British. But was he born with the galloping crazies, or was it a lack of appropriate social contact that caused him to descend permanently into an insane fantasy world?
* Talking about removing grind from MMOs is all very well until you think about it, because grind is the only thing that keeps people playing MMOs for so long and removing it would be like removing the crazy from Richard Garriot. Besides, every MMO so far has grind right up the bum and it doesn't seem to stop people playing them. Some people just like that sort of thing, I guess. Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9-Tabula-Rasa]

===[[w:The Orange Box|The Orange Box]]===
* I can't help feeling that Valve have missed the point of episodic gaming somewhat. The whole idea is to mix up the usual rigamarole of game publishing by having shorter games at lower prices released more frequently, and while they have aspects one and two down, they continue to struggle with three.
* ''(On [[w:Half-Life 2: Episode Two |Half-Life 2: Episode Two]]'') Episode 2 does suffer a little from being the middle child.  There's no real beginning and no real end, so the story tends to meander around and it's difficult to shake the feeling that we're just killing time before the next episode wraps it all up. A new character is brought in without warning and everyone acts like we've always known him. It's actually quite perplexing. Valve have done a great job making us empathize with all the major NPCs so far, so being introduced to a new one at this late stage is like coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the family dinner table and you're the only one who seems to notice.
* ''(On [[w:Team Fortress 2 |Team Fortress 2]])'' ...For all its insubstantiality, it's incredibly well-balanced now. There's a role for everyone regardless of what sort of game you like. The Heavy for uncomplicated damage-soaking thickies; The Spy for your backstabbing stealth game dirtbag; and The Sniper for people who like point-and-click adventure games. Although, admittedly, the only puzzle is, &quot;Use gun on man.&quot;
* ''(On ''[[w:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'')'' ...If you're a regular viewer, you'll understand how insane these words feel coming out of my mouth, but I can't think of any criticism for it. I'm serious!  This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece! I went in expecting a slew of interesting portal-based puzzles and that's exactly what I got, but what I wasn't expecting was some of the funniest pitch-black humor I've ever heard in a game. Okay, it's only two to three hours long, but that's a good length for it - it means it doesn't outstay its welcome and it narrows the gap between you and the balls-tighteningly fantastic ending. Absolutely [[w:Yellow Submarine|sub]][[w:Lime (fruit)|lime]] from start to finish, and I will jam forks into my eyes if I ever use those words to describe anything else ever again! Yeah, I know it's not very funny to love a game, but fuck you! ''Portal'''s great, and if you don't think so you must be ''stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10-The-Orange-Box]

===[[w:Super Paper Mario|Super Paper Mario]]===
* During the second chapter, Mario is required to work and earn money to pay for some of the mindless vandalism that comes naturally to action RPG players. And the best way to do this is to press &quot;right&quot; to run around in a giant hamster wheel for -- no joke -- somewhere around a quarter of an hour. That's if you're thick. If you're smart (like me), you weigh down the D-pad with one of your roommate's figurines and go off to amuse yourself. That's right. You have to amuse yourself while playing a '''game''' -- a '''game''' being something ostensibly designed to amuse. And if the player is doing this, then something has clearly gone wrong. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/11-Super-Paper-Mario [11&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;]

===[[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|MOH Airborne]]===
* The ''Medal of Honor'' series has been going on since 1999, meaning that it has officially been going on longer than the actual second World War did. And if you put together all the games, films, and TV shows that have depicted it, the  Normandy landings alone probably lasted somewhere within the region of six months. So why does the US have such a fascination about a time that everyone else would rather just forget about and move on? Well, probably because that was the last war in which they did any good, when they had a clear win over an unambiguously evil villain who posed a genuine threat -- rather than any of these wishy-washy recent wars where they just run in, stomp all over a developing nation, and run out again declaring victory around the time the population have to start eating their own dead.
* As evil as the real Nazis were, it seems they weren't evil enough for the developers, and so the accuracy's a little bit skewed against them. And then it's skewed a little bit more. And then it's put in a thumbscrew until it resembles a slinky. I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure there wasn't an elite branch of stormtroopers who wore gas masks, wielded miniguns, and could take three sniper bullets to the forehead before they died. And I'm also pretty sure the Nazis didn't have [[w:Flak Tower|a gigantic armored concrete tower that can only be described as a ''doom fortress.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/12-MOH-Airborne]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass|Zelda Phantom Hourglass]]===
* A world without Nintendo would be a far bleaker one than this, and yet there's something about them I find incredibly infuriating. They've got roughly enough money to buy Earth and all the heavens, and a fanbase so devoted and rabid that they could release a game about a sewage-encrusted rapist and it would still sell like billy-oh. And while they sit in this position that many game developers worldwide with slews of new and interesting game concepts would happily hack off their wedding tackle to occupy, all they do is constantly remake the same games! Okay, so sometimes you've got an [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|ocarina]], and sometimes you're in a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|boat]], and sometimes you're a [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|werewolf]] having repulsive erotica drawn about you by people on [[w:DeviantArt|DeviantArt]]; but pick any one of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda (series)|ninety billion Zelda games]] there have been so far and odds are good you'll always be the same bloody guy saving the same bloody girl with the same bloody boomerang.
* For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoe-horning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about (which, I remind you, is what handhelds are for) would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/13-Zelda-Phantom-Hourglass]

===[[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]===
*The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again!
* Maybe some of this could be forgiven if the seven main characters weren't all ''completely'' unlikeable. There's so much black leather on display, it's like someone took the goth clique from a small town high school, pinned them down in front of a 24-hour [[w:Rambo (series)|''Rambo'']] marathon, then smacked them brutally around the head with a baseball bat made out of frozen ''stupid.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate|F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate]]===
* Every now and again, F.E.A.R. remembers that it wants to be a horror game, too, and makes the lights flicker or throws down a random bloodstain like there's someone with the world's most copious nosebleed about fifty yards ahead of you. But I have to admit, when the game does descend into sheer balls-to-the-wall mindfuckery for a few minutes, it's the only time the experience really comes alive for me. I'm running down a corridor when the lights come down and then I'm in another different corridor, only now there's a blurry filter on my vision and I can hear what sounds like a moose being strangled in a tin bath. Awesome! I open a door and it vanishes into nothing and now there's a door on the ceiling. Sweet! There's a corpse at the end of the hall but as I get closer it jumps up and yells at me like everything's my fault. Finally I'm having a good time! Then everything simmers down and you return to boring predictable normality, wishing you were back in the nightmare.
* I guess if you're a huge fan of ''F.E.A.R.'', and I mean ''huge,'' like, if you play it twice a day and you have Jason Hall's face stenciled onto your toilet seat, and if you've got a love of repetitive tactical combat that borders on the fetishistic, and if you really badly need to know what happens next to the faceless characterless protagonist of the ongoing storyline, then I heartily recommend ''Perseus Mandate''. Maybe you can play it while you hang around the labyrinth with Theseus, because you're obviously a nonexistent creature of myth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/15-F-E-A-R-Perseus-Mandate]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed|Assassin's Creed]]===
* Another good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians, and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds. Those wacky, fun-loving lepers have this hilarious tendency to shove you with all their retard strength and send you flying ye olde mosh-pit style, which I feel makes me well within my rights to lamp them one; but then everyone turns against you because apparently it's not as funny when ''you'' do it. And then there are the beggar women who will latch on to you like a lamprey eel and constantly run in front of you whining for coins in a manner scientifically designed to get on my tits. Then I give them a gentle, discouraging [[w:Dragon Punch|knuckle sandwich]], and they run off yelling like ''I'm'' the asshole. It hits particularly close to home for me, because this is pretty much how ''all'' my relationships turn out.
* First you have to walk all the way down from your home base at the top of a ''fucking'' mountain at the start of every ''fucking'' mission. Then you have to make your way through the target city (pausing occasionally to nut the lepers Glaswegian-style). Then you're forced to do a few errands around the place which are basically the same three side quests over and over again. And when you do finally get to stab someone up, it's all bookended by long wordy unskipable cutscenes. Even after the stabbing, you have to sit through a prolonged conversation with the victim. You'd think having a spike shoved in to the throat would impede one's ability to soliloquize, but you just can't shut these twatmouths up!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/16-Assassins-Creed]

===[[w:Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock|Guitar Hero III]]===
* Don't believe the lie of ''Guitar Hero Three''. It's actually the fourth title in the series, the third being ''Rock the '80s'', which I haven't played, but the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end out of my ass, and floss myself to death.
* Then I got to the last venue and the last group of songs on hard mode and came to a screeching halt because they are ''fucking impossible.'' '''NO. STOP.''' Do not reach for your e-mail client; I do not want to hear about how you five-starred [[w:Raining Blood|&quot;Blood Rain&quot;]] on Expert, because if you did, you are a ''fucking freak,'' a freak with either three arms or a trained pet spider working the buttons for you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/17-Guitar-Hero-III]

===[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]===
* People often say to me, &quot;Yahtzee, you callipygian superman: How can you, a game writer yourself, complain about a game having too much dialogue?&quot; I would reply, &quot;For the same reason that a hairdresser is entitled to complain when someone fills their car with shampoo.&quot;
* ''Mass Effect'' is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/18-Mass-Effect]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Super Mario Galaxy]]===
* But don't be fooled; this is your standard fill-in-the-blanks framework. Mario's [[w:Princess Peach|hateful emotionally retarded ball-and-chain]] has been kidnapped ''again'', but before you can do the rescue you have to collect a whole bunch of stars - ''and it is always stars'' for some utterly arbitrary reason. And in the end, Mario succeeds in rescuing the needy bitch who once again fails to put out, although frankly I've given up expecting any kind of actual human intelligent reaction from that clueless bint.
* Initially, ''Mario Galaxy'' gets an easy ride because it has to be inevitably compared to ''Mario Sunshine'', the last &quot;proper&quot; Mario game (disregarding all that spin-off bullshit). And you could transplant the head of [[w:Joseph Goebbels |Joseph Goebbels]] on to the body of a praying mantis and it would still compare favorably to ''Mario Sunshine''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/19-Super-Mario-Galaxy]

===[[w:Silent Hill Origins|Silent Hill Origins]]===
* ...You have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. Time's up. That's what I thought. There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or [[w:Twix|chocolate]].
* To me, the ''Silent Hill'' series is over.  And if ''Silent Hill 5'' convinces me otherwise, then I will remove three of my own vertebrae, curl my spine back, and eat my own arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/20-Silent-Hill-Origins]

===[[w:Crysis|Crysis]]===
* Of course, with amazing graphics comes the inhumane treatment of processors. ''Crysis'' is apparently designed for some kind of hypothetical future computer from space. I played it on a brand new gaming PC resembling the monolith from ''[[w:2001: A Space Odyssey (film) |2001]]'', constructed from magical obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth. And it still chugged when things got busy.
* ...There is one section towards the end where you're forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and... well, imagine that you'd just woken from a 20-year-coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopotami. That's what controlling this section is like. And they expect you to enter ''dogfights'' in this thing. That's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your elbows. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/21-Crysis]

===[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]===
* What quickly becomes obvious is that Witcher is very much a PC-exclusive game, which are typically designed to be as complex and unintuitive as possible so that those dirty console-playing peasants don't ruin it for the glorious PC-gaming master race. The first warning sign is that the manual is thick enough to beat goats to death with, and then once you get into the game the interface is just a few steps shy of Microsoft Access in terms of friendliness. There's your inventory screen, your character screen, your alchemy screen, your glossary, your quests, your map, you have to switch between combat mode and stand-around-picking-your-nose-while-enemies-carve-you-like-turducken mode. And once you're in combat mode, do you fight in strong, fast, or group style? And if you'll be wanting to mix potions, then I hope you've gone through the necessary eight week correspondence course. If disliking this sort of shit makes me stupid, then call me &quot;Retard McSpackypants&quot;. But I'd rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind.
*As I progressed through the starting village a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless drudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a [[w:MMORPG|''mumorpuger''!]] A single-player mumorpuger with no [[w:World of Warcraft|Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse,]] but a mumopurger nonetheless. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles]]===
* Part of ''Resident Evil'''s charm is that it still takes itself seriously, despite having the most atrociously written story and dialogue of any product of human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one too many clotheslines to the head and decided he could act.
* It's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. &quot;I have a bad feeling about this,&quot; announces Jill Valentine after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced. &quot;Where did all these webs come from?&quot; wonders Chris Redfield aloud whilst staring ''directly'' at a giant spider. And then there's the recurring series baddie and backstabbing enthusiast Albert Wesker, whose every line of dialog is solid gold because he sounds like [[w:Lloyd Grossman|Lloyd Grossman]] with throat cancer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/23-Resident-Evil-Umbrella-Chronicles]

===[[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Call of Duty 4]]===
*''[with disdainful sarcasm throughout]''&lt;br /&gt;Never let it be said that I'm an impressionable twenty-something-gaming-media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth; so for the most part I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it is simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs (which was the case with ''Call of Duty 4''). This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker and brace yourself for a shock because it deserves the praise it gets.&lt;br /&gt;...Mostly.&lt;br /&gt;I was surprised because I have this presumption about &quot;serieses&quot; like ''Call of Duty'' and ''Medal of Honor'' being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism time-locked Bill-Murray-style somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand and scoffing apple pie with the other.&lt;br /&gt;''Call of Duty 4'', conversely,is set in the present day which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turns out to be right on the money it's executed in a very compelling way.&lt;br /&gt;The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country that tactfully goes unnamed (undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a water slide park by the time time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchly between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The U.S. Marines posted in &quot;Unspecifiedistan&quot; whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the ends of their massive erections while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like cockney weasels. These changes in perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective however you have to apply them and to balance the unentertaining seriousness  of this sentence: &quot;Boingo boingo whoopsy knickers.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;What I like about ''Call of Duty 4'' is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white &quot;My Country 'Tis of Thee&quot; jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the U.S. Marines act with short-sighted self-righteousness convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them [[screw the pooch|screwing the pooch]] so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

*All you need to know is this. There are [[w:Winston Churchill|two]] kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago. And ''Call of Duty 4'' is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like - well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane and land anus-first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/24-Call-of-Duty-4]

===[[w:SimCity Societies|SimCity Societies]]===
* It's an idea that many people seem to latch on to that, if we were created by some kind of god, then obviously he did it because he loves us so huggy-muggy-much. Never are the holes in this theory more obvious than while playing god games: because it seems that when you place most people in the position of a god and give them responsibility over many tiny lesser beings, then their attitude towards them is usually less about beloved children and more about target practice.
* I set out to make a brutal authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like Thought Police Headquarters, and all the venues were propaganda theatres, and most of the gormless fuckers were still content or elated. Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/25-Sim-City-Societies]

===Yahtzee Goes to [[w:Game Developers Conference|GDC]]===
* All games are about realizing a fantasy, whether it be the fantasy of being a courageous war hero, or the fantasy of being a future space adventurer, or, in the case of some Japanese games, the fantasy of possessing eight prehensile dicks. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/26-Yahtzee-Goes-to-GDC]

===[[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]]===
* Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys: a stream of assorted blacks; Asians; and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like &quot;the bad guy dies.&quot;
* You play Nathan &quot;Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon&quot; Drake as he scavenger-hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome, initially hostile blonde love interest, and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a T-shirt saying, &quot;I will die or turn evil.&quot;
* I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is; it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous games. Even the story has been nicked bodily from at least five adventure movies that I can think of -- seven if you let me count all the ''Indiana Jones'' films.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/27-Uncharted-Drakes-Fortune]

===[[w:Devil May Cry 4|Devil May Cry 4]]===
* ...It would be fair to say there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them but, thanks to Capcom, I don't have to - now I can just point to ''Devil May Cry 4'' and say, &quot;Pretty much that.&quot; Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some spectacle-adjusting model railroad enthusiast who cannot function without absolute realism at all times. Leaping eight times your own height, swinging swords the size of small cars around, and deflecting bullets with other bullets are all fine with me as long as it's entertaining. I'll even accept that getting a seven-foot katana jammed through your torso is totally survivable, if a bit homoerotic. A game starts widdling on my chips, however, when it populates itself with smug self-satisfied dick-spurts and starts neglecting gameplay because it's too busy letting them swagger invincibly about until I want to flatten their androgynous faces with a kayak paddle!
* But the lone shiny gold star I stick on for the combat is almost immediately torn off for some truly obnoxious level design. Jumping puzzles? Fine. Timed jumping puzzles? Fair enough. Timed jumping puzzles with fixed cameras? Now we've dropped into the ocean of shittiness. But then they hit us with a timed jumping puzzle with a fixed camera where enemies spawn in every time you fail. And now the ocean of shittiness has closed in over our heads with no rescue boat in sight. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/28-Devil-May-Cry-4]

===[[w:Burnout Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]===
* People often ask me, &quot;Yahtzee, you herculean exemplar: You have so much to say about what makes a [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|bad game]], but what is your measure of a [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|good game]]?&quot; Well, actually, no one's ever asked me that. Mostly they ask retarded questions like when am I [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd|going to review 20-year-old Nintendo games like everyone and their dog]]. But it's the kind of question I'd like to be asked, so I'm going to answer it. One of my measures of a [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|good game]] is one that teaches me something. ''Burnout Paradise'', for example, teaches me that if Princess Diana honestly couldn't survive [[w:Death_of_Diana,_Princess_of_Wales|a trivial little crash]] like that, then the girl must have been made out of wafers.
* ''(discussing the game's open world:)'' My point is, that the reason why racing games traditionally feature closed circuit tracks is that the fun in a street racing game comes from driving really fast and breaking things. That's a winning formula. Then you throw map reading skills into it and it's the metaphorical shot of Baileys, overpowering all the other flavors.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/29-Burnout-Paradise]

===[[w:Turok (2008 video game)|Turok]]===
* I'm actually rather glad that a really, unequivocally bad FPS has been shat out in front of me because there are a lot of problems with first-person shooters these days and ''Turok'' plays like an itemized list of them. So rather than do what I usually do (i.e. crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises), let's instead use ''Turok'' as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first-person shooters keep persistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them. Then maybe I can persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom.
* When you consider that the original ''Turok'' games were about a time-traveling red Indian, this new installment has had to really work hard to rip off [[w:Aliens (film) |''Aliens'']]. They had to lock the established setting and storyline in a wardrobe and throw it off a cliff. They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good. And that's sort of admirable, I guess, in a retarded kind of way.
* Most of these problems with modern FPSes can be explained with four words: &quot;Let's be like ''Halo.''&quot; But I remember a time when FPSes didn't all march in step behind that inexplicably popular festival of mediocrity, when FPSes weren't all about soldiers or space marines, when they could be about [[w:Blood (computer game)|undead cowboys]], or [[w:Redneck Rampage|backwoods pig-rapists]], or [[w:Duke Nukem 3D|wise-cracking misogynistic wankers]]. I remember a time when FPSes had a sense of humor about themselves and could have colours other than gunmetal gray and dogshit brown. I remember titles like ''Exhumed'' and ''Chasm'' and ''Witchhaven II'' — though on reflection, I'd rather forget about them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/30-Turok]

===[[w:Zack and Wiki|Zack and Wiki]]===
* Long ago in the mists of time, when main characters didn't need to have biceps bigger then their faces and when bump mapping was just something cartographers did to their wives, there lived adventure games. This [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|shy,]] [[w:Space Quest II|thoughtful]] tribe was known for its great story telling tradition and ruled the great PC gaming plains for many years before mysteriously dying out around the onset of the [[w:Quake (video game)|Quake]] era. Some blame the aggressive expansion of neighboring first-person shooter tribes; but personally I think it's more to do with the fact that most of them were [[w:King's Quest|shit]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/31-Zack-Wiki]

===[[w:Army of Two|Army of Two - Yes, Two]]===
* We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses who make tons more money and like it rough from men with hairy bums — ''NO! Bad Yahtzee!'' I meant to say: and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except that it's ''you'' giving out the candy, and the candy is ''bullets.''

* Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated hold-out position that I gave him a boostie up to as part of a cunning higher ground strategy. But since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse. But since there was now no one to give me a boostie up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal.
* It's repetitive and broken and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play ''Gears of War'' with one hand and ''Splinter Cell'' with the other, then you don't need to play ''Army of Two''. And make sure you film it because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/32-Army-of-Two]

===[[w:No More Heroes (video game)|No More Heroes]]===
* [''[[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]]'s''] last game was [[w:killer7|''killer7'']], and let's get one thing straight: I fucking '''loved''' ''killer7''! There we were, living our gray, predictable lives, playing our gray, predictable games when along came ''killer7'' in a [[w:Coat of many colours|technicolour dream coat]], leaving slightly perplexed joy in the wake of its huge motorbike, showing exactly what could be done when you flaunt [sic] all established convention and just start exploring what can really be done with gaming as an art form. I still don't know how to classify it: puzzle, action/adventure, rail shooter... well, whatever it was, it was a preciously unique amusing cartoon whale in an ocean of second-hand bong water. Now we have ''No More Heroes'', a ''Grand Theft Auto'' clone. [[w:Shine On You Crazy Diamond|&quot;Shine on you crazy diamond,&quot;]] said Yahtzee, his voice thick like sarcastic [[w:Marmite|Marmite]].
* So, I'll say the same thing about ''No More Heroes'' that I say about ''Killer 7'', ''Earthbound'', and Branston pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston pickle '''onto''' ''No More Heroes'', possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/33-No-More-Heroes]

===[[w:Condemned 2: Bloodshot|Condemned 2: Bloodshot]]===
* There's a final boss sequence in [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|''Condemned 1'']] in which you run through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth with a serial killer in hot pursuit. It's really intense and genuinely terrifying, and part of what makes it so effective is that it takes place in a normal house, exactly like, oh say for example, '''YOURS!''' Right down to the psychotic serial killer who lives under your bed and is standing behind you right now but don't look because that'll really piss him off! ''Condemned 2'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[w:Combine (Half-Life 2)|Combine]] would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''I '''wish''' I was fucking kidding.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/34-Condemned-2-Bloodshot]

===[[w:Super Smash Bros. Brawl|Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]===
* As I've said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it'll take is a few more [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boys]] and they'll wank the whole company away! Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the ''fuck'' is [[w: Marth (Fire Emblem)|Marth]], and why is unlocking him considered a reward? Oh and thanks, Nintendo, for putting in a [[w:Lucas_(Mother_3)#Lucas|character]] from [[w:Mother 3|''Mother 3'']], a game you're never going to fucking release outside Japan despite the fact I can fucking guarantee that more people would play it than ''Mario Kart Eleventy Billion: The Next Generation''!
* But really, reviewing ''Smash Bros. Brawl'' is pointless.  Chances are you already know if you like it.  There's a simple test:  When the name &quot;Nintendo Wii&quot; was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an Internet forum?  If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever its faults, and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now, you miserable, fanboy twat.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/35-Super-Smash-Bros-Brawl]

===[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War: Chains of Olympus]]===
* ''Chains of Olympus'' is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the ''God of War'' series, a bunch of games that combine an, at best, loose understanding of Greek mythology with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between excessive and completely off its tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/36-God-of-War-Chains-of-Olympus]
* Around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it &quot;The 'Fuck You' Button.&quot;

===Mailbag Showdown===
* It's true, I didn't like ''Brawl'' before I even started playing; but then the same is true of every game, object, animal and human being I encounter these days. Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it's been a lot easier to just assume everything's shit until it can prove itself otherwise. I like to call it the &quot;Guantanamo Bay&quot; approach to reviewing.
* &quot;I'm not a fanboy - (yes you are!) - but you may have judged Brawl a bit harashly. Nintendo made it so that the players could have fun mercilessly beating the ever-lovi-euh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-thuh-theh.&quot; Why am I reminded of the all-purpose theist cop-out argument, &quot;God moves in mysterious ways?&quot; Nintendo is a big boy now, he doesn't need defending. Small-time curmudgeons like me are not going to reduce anyone who works there to tears and they care even less about you. I've never really understood the almost crusader-like fervour that consoles attract. Most people would say it's because your mum is only prepared to buy you one console, and if it turns out you didn't pick the winner, the best thing to do is go into denial until the very fabric of reality spontaneously changes, because God knows that's more likely to happen than you admitting fault.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/37-Mailbag-Showdown]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]===
* About a million years ago, a company called DMA Design created ''Grand Theft Auto'' and discovered that the combination of controversy, wacky humor, and vehicular homicide was a lucrative one indeed. So they made a whole bunch of sequels, threw some TVs out of some hotel windows, and changed their name to [[w:Rockstar Games |&quot;Rockstar&quot;]], in a slightly over-compensatory effort to make us forget that they made ''Lemmings''. Not that there was anything wrong with Lemmings, at least not until the franchise was rigorously milked to it's last sour lumpy dribbles.
* Once you inevitably grow tired of the sandbox mayhem and start on the mission paths, you'll find that ''GTA4'' is initially about as fast-paced as a [[Jacob Bronowski]] [[w:The Ascent of Man|documentary]] playing at half speed. The first hundredweight of missions are virtually all tutorials, which highlights the inherent problem with incorporating so many different gameplay elements that you need to spend half the game explaining the bloody things! You have to learn how to drive cars, how to drive trucks, how to drive geese, how to use your phone, TV, internet, how to fist fight, how to gunfight, how to shoot from cover, how to shoot from the back of a giant tyrannosaurus... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV]

===[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]===
* The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine-gun, rocket-launcher, overpowered-exotic-thing-that-you-never get-ammo-for-and-only-use-in-boss-fights-anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie ''Braindead''. (That's ''Dead-Alive'' if you're American and fat.) As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; ''it shoots shurikens and lightning!'' It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire.
* So  that's ''Painkiller'', more proof that the best way blow off steam is to blow off someone's natches.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller]

===[[w:The World Ends With You|The World Ends With You]]===
* A major thing that turns me off JRPGs, and a lot [[w:Devil May Cry 4|of games]] [[w:Turok (video game)|in general]], is when I don't feel that I, as a player, am contributing anything to the story. All I ever seem to do is wheel the characters from one whingy boring dialogue to the next. Events are driven by ''their'' actions, not mine. All I am is a little angry id who takes over for the combat, spending the rest of the time jumping up and down in the back of the main character's mind yanking on nerve endings, trying to make him stop acting like a pillock.
* What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs the story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought-iron fence made of tigers.
* Is TWEWY a good J-RPG? I have absolutely no idea.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a frightening world I don't understand, treading water on the surface of a deep, deep lake full of weird-smelling creatures with completely alien concepts of fun and a tolerance for boredom to rival the Man in the Iron Mask.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/67-The-World-Ends-With-You]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Oblivion]]===
* You know me; I'm a twitchy, instant-gratification kind of gamer. The sort who isn't happy unless there's a gun the size of a motorbike in his hands and a severed alien willy bouncing off the front of his space helmet. But every now and again, the planets will align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a J-RPG, God no; it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ. But a western RPG, something with goblins and swords and men in loin clothes going on about wenches.
* In ''Oblivion'', you start off in a dungeon in the imperial palace. You're never told what crime you committed; I guess you're supposed to fill in that blank for yourself. So I choose to believe I was in there for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter at the same time while playing a rock guitar solo on the desecrated corpse of God. Anyway, then the Emperor showed up (played by [[w:Patrick Stewart |Captain Picard]]) and I have to say I liked him a lot. He was the only character who actually seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG. He took one look at me, noticed the camera floating behind my head and said, &quot;Oh, bugger. You're the protagonist; guess I have to die now.&quot;  And die he did.
* For a game that is obviously trying so hard, ''Oblivion'' is one of the least immersive RPGs I've ever played. The world map is huge, granted. If you intend to walk from one end to the other, you'd better pack a few sandwiches. But frankly, take one good look around the moment you first emerge blinking into the daylight and you've pretty much seen everything. It's like they took 200 square yards of medieval English countryside, added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/75-Oblivion]

===[[w:Haze (video game)|Haze]]===
* I think it's safe to say that very few people were madly trampling babies underfoot to grab ''Haze'' on launch day - I know whatever atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first-person shooter about space marines. &quot;Whoop-de-fucking-doo,&quot; I thought. &quot;I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate.&quot; But then up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a cornetto every time I pass a 7-11. &quot;Shame on you, Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw!&quot; spake he. &quot;Have you forgotten [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|''Call of Duty 4'']] already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you're no better than [[w:Mass_Effect#Media_coverage_of_the_sex_scene|those dipshits who never played ''Mass Effect'' but condemned it as some kind of child-corrupting boobstravaganza]].&quot;
* The overall message of ''Haze'''s story is that WAR IS BAD! And that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with &quot;whiz bang shooty fun&quot; strikes me as trying to have one's cake and eat it -- a phrase I never really understood, I mean I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There's not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you're a stripper... Sorry, lost my train of thought.
* If you have a liking for ''Halo'', a crippling fear of trying new things, and a desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast, then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then, you might as well buy ''Haze'', you mad bastard.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93-Haze]

===[[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|Metal Gear Solid 4]]===
* I'm going to recount as much of the story as I can before my brain starts to hurt: [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]] is a cloned mercenary who is suffering from premature aging due to a planned obsolescence scheme worthy of Microsoft. He lives with his support character (and &quot;best friend&quot;) Otacon, and the two of them have adopted a child together. (That oozing sound you just heard was made by all the world's homoerotic fan fiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk.) Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his [[w:Liquid Snake|evil clone brother]], who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of - OH CHRIST, I can't go on; this shit is bananas! Play the games themselves if you want to know what's going on, although I can't guarantee that that will be enough - to truly get into the mindset of [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]], you'll have to do something pretty drastic, probably involving experimental brain surgery and a complete ''X-Files'' box set.
* Somebody once said that a politician is a person who can talk for hours and never actually ''say'' anything. If that's true, Hideo Kojima could run for government and be emperor of the universe by mid-afternoon.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/99-Metal-Gear-Solid-4]

===[[w:Webcomic|Webcomics]]===
* Drama is the mortar that holds the webcomic community together, and there are so many wonderful ways to create it. Make absolutely no effort to improve your horrible drawing style, act like a prick at a convention, respond to constructive criticism with hostility, and just generally behave like the kind of monstrous egotist that blossom like mushrooms in the darkened trough of shit that is the Internet. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/108-Webcomics]

===[[w:Lego Indian Jones: The Original Adventures|Lego Indiana Jones]]===
* I've been ignoring the whole Lego-LucasArts coalition so far, partly because, as you'll recall from my ''Psychonauts'' review, LucasArts is run by douchebags, but mainly because it sounds utterly retarded on paper. I mean, once you accept [[w:Lego_Star_Wars:_The_Video_Game|Lego ''Star Wars'']], where does it end? [[w:Playmobil|Playmobil]] [[w:Battlestar Galactica|''Battlestar Galactica''?]] [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] [[w:Firefly (TV show)|''Firefly''?]] [[w:Meccano|Meccano]] [[w:Dune (book)|''Dune''?]] Yeah, I'm done milking that joke. I guess at first I've--  Wait! I've got another one! [[w:Stickle Bricks|Stickle Bricks]] [[w:Babylon 5|''Babylon 5''?]]...Sorry.
* There's this undercurrent of parody about the whole experience which I find rather cathartic. I guess it's because we're taking a film series which prided itself in unexpectedly traumatizing me as a child and totally emasculating it, like if there were a puppet show version of [[w:The Ring (2002 film) |The Ring]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/123-LEGO-Indy]

===[[w:Alone in the Dark (2008 video game)|Alone in the Dark]]===
* I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of ''Alone in the Dark'', what with it apparently being the latest in a long line of &quot;worst games evaar&quot; and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondents' families judging by the way they tearfully e-mail me requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well, I thought, &quot;Fuck those bereaved bastards who think I'm some kind of sweary ninja for hire. I'm gonna play ''Alone in the Dark '' and damn well try to like it.&quot; A few days have passed since then, and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes even the majority can be totally, totally right.
* What's tragic is that the Good Ship ''Alone in the Dark'' can see Port [[w:Silent Hill 2|Good Game]] without a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidentally landed at the Cock-Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution, which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad. &quot;Hey!&quot; said Terry. &quot;Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body.&quot; &quot;Okay!&quot; replies Gonad. &quot;But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!&quot; &quot;Hey again!&quot; says Terry, &quot;how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?&quot; &quot;Okay again!&quot; says Gonad. &quot;Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!&quot; Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
* As a series, ''Alone in the Dark'' has always been about subtle, claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. Now it makes no sense, because you're not alone, and it's not even dark, because everything's on fire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/130-Alone-in-the-Dark]

===[[w:Age of Conan:Hyborian Adventures|Age of Conan]]===
* Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate [[w:MMORPG|mumorpugers]]. I hate what they do to people, turning them into nocturnal blobs of flesh and Cheetos that communicate entirely in mouth-breathing; and I hate when I look back on my time with a mumorpuger and realize that I just flushed away months of my life that I could have spent writing a bestselling book, or raising a child, or pounding nails into my face. But I have had fun with [[w:Hellgate|mumorpugers]] at the time, or rather [[w:World of Warcraft|''a'' mumorpuger]], and since comparison is going to be inevitable, let's just get the fucker over with: ''Age of Conan'' is not ''World of Warcraft.'' Some people might say, &quot;Ooh, maybe it's not trying to be,&quot; but those people are going to Hell for lying because ''all'' MMOs are trying to be ''World of Warcraft'': same controls, same terminology, same arduous blocks of motherfucking grind, same interfaces right down to the quest-givers with big golden exclamations marks growing out of their heads like they just spotted [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4|Solid Snake]] shuffling through the undergrowth.
* There's nothing wrong with being a small part of something bigger than yourself.  That's how an MMO should work -- solidarity, teamwork, joining forty friends to go stomp on a night elf's face. ''Age of Conan'' makes the same mistake as the school system by telling everyone that they're special, thus turning them into entitled twatdonkeys.
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/138-Age-of-Conan]

===[[w:E3_2008#2008|The E3 Trailer Park]]===
* I'd like to clarify that somewhere in the flinty pits of my petrified heart I'm open to the possibility of all these games [[w:Gears of War 2|potentially being fun]] (except for ''[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy 13]]'' obviously). But my intention is not to troll for once but to argue that it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. After all, if the [[w:Resident Evil 5|game's]] good, great! But if it's bad you've lost nothing, plus you get the satisfaction of knowing you're cleverer than fanboys, which is right up there with winning a beauty contest against [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] but still, it's a good overall rule: never let yourself get excited by trailers, unless it's the one for the new [[w:Watchmen (2009 film)|Watchmen movie.]] Oh yes, I can never get enough big glowing blue men with their celestial lads hanging out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden II (2008 video game)|Ninja Gaiden 2]]===
* But frankly, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among [[w:Eternal Sonata|Japanese]] [[w:Metal Gear Solid|games]], ''Ninja Gaiden II'' is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that [[w:Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots|''Metal Gear Solid'']] bullshit of cutscene dialogues that could fill a modest paperback. None of that [[w:Devil May Cry 4|''Devil May Cry'']] cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that [[w:Zelda: Twilight Princess|''Zelda'']]... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going ''Yah!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/175-Ninja-Gaiden-2]

===[[w:Prince of Persia#The Sands of Time series (Ubisoft)|Prince of Persia Retrospective]]===
*Between them, the three ''[[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|Sands]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|Time]]'' games have the ingredients of probably the best game ever, and I don't say that lightly. The first game still very resolutely sits in my [[w:Portal (video game)|top]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|five]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|games]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|of all]] [[w:Fantasy World Dizzy|time]], but it could have been better. Like a variant of the [[w:Uncanny valley|uncanny valley effect]], the closer a game gets to ''Portal'' perfection, the more glaring the flaws become, and their attempts to correct those flaws in the sequels were akin to removing flecks of dirt from a birthday cake with a shovel. But we live and learn, so let's move on and hope [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|the new ''Prince of Persia'']] will be as good as ''Sands of Time''. And that my ass will sprout wings and fly me into space! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/183-Prince-of-Persia-Retrospective]

===[[w:Soul Calibur IV|Soul Calibur IV]]===
*I don't really understand fighting games. I don't hate them, but I've never frosted my pants over any of them, either. I just don't ''get'' them. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: &quot;What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're [[w:Sakura (Street Fighter)|a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants]].&quot; But if you want to relieve stress, you take a [[w:cannabis|herbal]] bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost ninety dollars at your local electronics retailer. There's got to be more to it than that.
* Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual. All you need is a picture of the &quot;throw&quot; button and a big arrow pointing to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/189-Soul-Calibur-IV]

===[[w:Braid (video game)|Braid]]===
* And do you know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public — especially you, ''Adrian!'' (That probably isn't your name but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.) Ye unwashed masses who ensure massive profits for the same old [[w:Final Fantasy XII|cookie-cutter]] [[w:Halo 3|sequels]] because anything that isn't ''[[w:Psychonauts|safe]]'' and ''[[w:Beyond Good and Evil|familiar]]'' makes you dive for your security blanket! And since you spent all Daddy's money on a [[w:PlayStation 3|next-generation console]] you won't even give the time of day to anything that doesn't have [[w:Commodore 64|environment-mapped reflective surfaces]] and you're more interested in buying Master Chief novelty condoms than [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|actual gameplay innovation]]! In fact, I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Piss off! Close the browser and fuck off back to [[w:Gears of War|''Gears of War'']]! Has he gone? Good, I hate that guy! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/203-Braid]

===[[w:Eve Online|Eve Online]]===
* The unspoken goal of exploration is to make the entire planet completely boring. Life was at its most interesting back when we still thought grass huts were a bit hoity-toity and when there could have been dragons made of raisin bread over the next hill for all we knew. Nowadays, everything's mapped out. We've even spent enough time on the moon and the very bottom of the ocean to know that: firstly, there aren't any dragons there either; and secondly, we're definitely not in a hurry to go back and double-check. Now it's only the depths of space that remain unexplored and unboring, plenty of gray area where any number of interstellar sparkle dragons could be hiding. ''Eve Online'' does the impossible by making deep space boring, and demonstrates the best way to do that is to let nerds colonize it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/208-Eve-Online]

===[[w:Too Human|Too Human]]===
* I have to admit, though, the story is to be congratulated for taking the fiery, thunderous personalities of the Norse gods and somehow turning them into a bunch of boring, self-righteous, robotic twats with all the warmth and emotion of a glass of water.
* So you'll die. You'll die ''a lot.'' And by Christ does the game want you to know it. A [[w:Valkyr|valkyrie]] who is clearly in no fucking hurry slowly flies down, picks up your corpse, and ascends gently back into heaven as if to say, &quot;There there, baby, it doesn't matter that you're a ten-thumbed cripple who literally can't fight to save their lives; let's get you tucked into beddy-byes.&quot; Then you respawn fifty feet away with no penalties, scratching your head in bewilderment. And this happens ''every time you die!'' You can't skip it! [[w:Silicon Knights|No one]] could look at this and think, &quot;Yep, this will never get old!&quot; The only remaining explanation is that this is some kind of test - maybe if anyone defends this on a forum, they automatically get added to the government depopulation list because their minds are clearly deviant and must be purged! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human]

===[[w:Spore (video game)|Spore]]===
* If there's one thing history has taught us (besides not to piss off people called Genghis, or put lead in your water pipes), it's that if you're going to make something incredibly good that becomes frighteningly popular, make sure it's the last thing you ever make in your entire life. Because otherwise you get to spend the rest of your creative career struggling under the weight of high expectations and bricks.
* You also get to design your own buildings and vehicles further down the line; so if all you're after is some kind of 3D art program for eight-year-olds, ''Spore'' is definitely for you. If you're holding out for an actual game, then you get to eat shit.  But never mind; you can always design a creature that looks like a huge cock and imagine it pounding you in the arse. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/218-Spore]

===[[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed|XBLA]] [[w:Castle Crashers|Double Bill]]===
* ''(On [[w:Bionic Commando Rearmed |Bionic Commando Rearmed]])'' But the question this all raises is whether a remake should just blithely parrot the gameplay mechanics of the original, or take the opportunity to improve upon them with our enlightened future space technology? Well the second one obviously, you thick berk. There's nothing inherently sacred about game design from the olden days. They're just old, and wrinkly, and fat, and no one but the utterly depraved wants to sleep with them.
* ''(On [[w:Castle Crashers |Castle Crashers]])'' While the little big-headed characters are fun to look at, in big fights with lots of similarly sized chaps, it's easy to lose sight of the one you're controlling. And this becomes doubly unfair in big boss fights when the big boss's main strategy is to conceal your character's location behind their mountainous flab. At least in ''Golden Axe'' you could play as the amazon lady and navigate by her unfeasible boobies.  This is like watching midget identical twins wrestling and trying to remember which one you put money on.
* Nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything — the stupid, diminutive cunts — and you weren't any different. Games, or should I say the potential for games, has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, winding twenty-somethings of the future, they'll be declaring that ''Halo 3'' was miles better than a game of ''Interstellar Bum Pirates'' on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both ''Zelda: Twilight Princess'' and ''Super Mario Sunshine'' '''before''' I played ''Ocarina of Time'' and ''Mario 64'', and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way! Drink down that burn sauce, fatboy! Also, I think Hitler was right! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/222-XBLA-Double-Bill]

===[[w:Mercenaries 2: World in Flames|Mercenaries 2]]===
* There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|Ivy from ''Soulcalibur'']]'s pants ride up, and which are perfectly natural for growing young men. I mean the thought that goes, &quot;But I might need it later&quot; — the niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[w:Giant Enemy Crab|giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab just around the corner. No game illustrates this phenomenon better than ''Mercenaries 2'' or, as I like to call it, &quot;Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes.&quot;
* Actually this is something I've been meaning to bring up, miss: Why does the C.E.O. of our private military company have to do all the missions personally with no backup except for an Irish chopper pilot who abandons his mission when the enemy chuck anything larger than a scone at him? Actually, working alone might be for the best. The A.I. is so thick, it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion, I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/231-Mercenaries-2]

===[[w:Star Wars:The Force Unleashed|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed]]===
* Apparently the plot is supposed to tie the ''Star Wars'' prequel trilogy to the original series, which raises the obvious question: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING? It's like tying your breakfast to a plague rat. The grubby fingerprints of George Lucas are all over the story in that none of the characters are in the slightest bit relatable. That, however, could be because of the Wii graphics limitations making them all look like Gerry Anderson puppets of stroke victims.
* ''The Force Unleashed'' on the Wii did not endear itself to me. I don't blame [[w:Krome Studios|the developers]], and I'm not just saying that because they're based in [[w:Brisbane|this city]] and might kill me. I blame the Wii for being tightfisted with its [[w:Wii MotionPlus|hardware upgrades]]; I blame myself for failing to research the [[w:Xbox 360|different]] [[w:PlayStation 3|versions]]; I blame [[w:Michael Atkinson|Michael Atkinson]], the attorney general of South Australia, for quite a few [[w:Office_of_Film_and_Literature_Classification_(Australia)|unrelated things]]; but most of all I blame George Lucas, that hirsute chinless git, pummeling his own franchises with such ham-handedness you could put a piece of bread around each of his mitts and call them BLTs! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/251-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed]

===[[w:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky|S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]]===
* I don’t think I would do very well in a real-world combat scenario. I hate being shouted at and I can’t run very fast while wearing a backpack the size of a cow. Before I would willingly enter a gunfight, the enemy are going to have to strap big glowing red arrows to their heads and promise to stand next to windows, loudly vocalizing every thought that crosses their minds. And by the time my comrades have persuaded them to do that, I’ll have remembered that I’m a massive coward and legged it.
* You know how in most FPSs you're some kind of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take an entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whipped crème and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going in to this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up. The player can't survive more than a measly handful of bullets ripping through their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd  be nothing left but a spinal column and the cornflakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/271-S-T-A-L-K-E-R-Clear-Sky]

===[[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|Silent Hill Homecoming]]===
* The trademark sense of isolation is another point the game misses like a champ, when you are given a spunky female sidekick. This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about.
* It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. 
* Maybe if the original creators of something don't want to continue it then you should listen to them, because otherwise you're only making it to please the fans. And why would you want to do anything for fans? I mean, I'm a Silent Hill fan and I've just spent the whole review whining like a broken motor. Fans are clingy, complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any [[w:Spider-Man 3|concession]] you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices, the happier you'll be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/284-Silent-Hill-Homecoming]

===[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]===
* It just struck me that whenever there's a sandbox crime game, it's always the same gangs: Italians, Yakuza, or street gangsters. You're always either going on about respect, honor, or wearing your belt around your thighs. Y'know what there needs to be? A sandbox crime game where you play a Batman villain! You run around doing dastardly crime equipped with freeze rays and jetpacks, completing story missions that lead up to you building a giant brightly colored doomsday machine shaped like a top hat or something. Then Batman comes along and beats you up because you forgot to strap him into your overly-elaborate, slow-moving death trap, then you mysteriously evade capture in order to come back and do it all again next week. Sadly mankind has yet to recognize my genius, which is incidentally the title I have mind for this project.
* ''Saints Row 2'' shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are dickheads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|If you try to stop them]] doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does ''Saints Row 2'' not stop you, but it keeps score. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/312-Saints-Row-2]

===[[w:Dead Space|Dead Space]]===
* Just for once, I'd like to see a spaceship in a horror game that actually seems like it might have been a nice place to live. You know, tasteful light fittings, elegant laquered wood panels, or at the very least, throw a fucking carpet down now and again. At least that way, it would almost be a surprise when it gets invaded by a horde of flesh-eating mutants. Frankly, if you paint your spaceship gunmetal-gray and fit it with about half as many flickery-ass fluorescent lights as are necessary, then you might as well rename it the USS ''Kill Beast Buffet''!
* I've heard people praise how scary it is, but really all it does is startle, and that's not difficult. I was startled when a possum jumped into my window; that doesn't make it the marsupial answer to Stanley Kubrick![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/333-Dead-Space]

===[[w:Fable II|Fable 2]]===
* The first thing you're gonna need is money. Questing doesn't pay as well as it used to, so you have to get a job. I guess I missed the short story where Conan the Barbarian took up bartending but-- ''No! Bad Yahtzee! Life simulator! Life simulator! Adjust expectations!'' Okay then. You know how in ''The Sims'' you could get a job as a mailroom clerk? You remember how you had to go into the office every single in-game day and play a little mini-game where you fling envelopes into pigeon holes? Of course not! Because it would have been ''really fucking boring!''

* Then you have the option of marrying someone, although why you'd want to is a question the game skillfully avoids. Everyone has the same voices and endlessly repeated dialogue lines, so you'll run into nine clones of your beloved down any given street and none of them will get their tits out when you're bonking them. These are just a few of the excellent reasons why I grew bored after around twelve minutes of happy marriage and decided it was time to murder my entire family. This was the point when I discovered you can't kill children, of course. So much for ''total freedom,'' eh? What, so it's all right for [[w:&quot;Dirty&quot; Harry Callahan|someone else]] to shoot me in the face and throw me off a building when I'm a kid; but the moment I try to spread the love, then ooh, suddenly we're getting ''off message''? And while we're on the subject, why can't I marry my '''dog'''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/346-Fable-2]

===[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]===
* If I had [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson's]] phone number, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd nervously call him up and blurt out something about how ''Darkman'' was all right before slamming the receiver down and running away. But hypothetically, if I wasn't an ''idiot'' and talked him into doing voices for my video game, I'd have him voice a character named Captain Dynamite, who has the face of [[Frank Zappa]] and nuclear missiles instead of legs. He'd fly around the player in a magic space buggy for the entire course of the game sprinkling rose petals and friendship. What I'm saying is I'd make the most of the talent. Bethesda seems to be in the habit of hiring the biggest name voice actors they can find, and having their character drop off the face of the earth before you've even picked a class. They did it to Captain Picard in ''Oblivion'' and now they've done it to Oskar Schindler in ''Fallout 3''.
* Games have spent the last twenty years ingraining into me the instinct that being the stalwart hero of the land basically overrules society's petty ownership laws. Rather an objectivist philosophy on reflection, but I'll be buggered before I unlearn that for one fucking game! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/420-Fallout-3]

===[[w:Guitar Hero World Tour|Guitar Hero World Tour]]===
* The first problem we ran into was that no one wanted to sing! This is less a problem with ''World Tour'' specifically, and more an inherent problem with [[w:Rock Band (video game)|the original concept]], and possibly with the people I hang around with. You see, people who like pretend guitar are introverted nerds who picture themselves as the aloof, crazy-skilled lead guitarist whose hands rattle away at the strings like nervous little crabs while he stares into the middle distance pretending to have forgotten he's holding it. Whereas people who like pretend singing are either screechy center-of-attention types or a normal person who has rendered themselves massively drunk and stumbled upon a jukebox full of [[w:Every Rose Has Its Thorn|80s power ballads]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/452-Guitar-Hero-World-Tour]

===[[w:Mirror's Edge|Mirror's Edge]]===
* For most people, a demo for ''Mirror's Edge'' colored their expectations a shimmering gold, only to realize once they bought the full game that they had been seeing the light reflecting off a stream of piss.
* And yeah, maybe it would be realistic for all that white scenery combined with bright sunlight to bleed together into a big blinding blob, but it doesn't help you avoid dropping off a building for the umpteen bazillionth time. &quot;Oh,&quot; says ''Mirror's Edge'', here manifesting as a designer with a bicycle pump embedded in his skull. &quot;Well, since that's your problem, I guess I'll just set half the game in linear claustrophobic tunnels that undermine the very concept of free running, and then fill them with excessive bloom anyway!&quot; So he did. And then he ate his own shoes. So, essentially flawed concept, dodgy detection, indecisive design, muddy story, unlikeable characters, shocking brevity: put them all together and you get ''essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity!'' And of course ''Mirror's Edge.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/457-Mirrors-Edge]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead|Left 4 Dead]]===
* It's my observation that zombies are second only to ninjas, pirates, and monkeys in the list of things that nerds like and need to shut the fuck up about. They watch movies about them, they dress up like them and wander around irritating commuters in major cities; and it seems every time a hot new engine comes out, some craven optimist will try to make a zombie mod for it, post up one gun model and a piece of concept art before the level designer remembers he's only worked in Lego and the whole thing falls apart. I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs.
* ...The repetition is eased by the so-called &quot;AI Director&quot; -- an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows, who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the points when you need it, and a billion zombies whenever he's bored (which is all the time). Anthropomorphizing the system was probably a shrewd idea, because when cocks rocket skyward, everyone likes having someone to blame who can't defend themselves. I saw someone pray to the AI Director once; this is probably how cults get started![http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/459-Left-4-Dead]

===[[w:Sonic Unleashed|Sonic Unleashed]]===
* Sonic the Hedgehog is sort of a rock star of the video gaming industry. He fronted a succession of [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (game)|extremely]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2|popular]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 3|titles]], made enough money to buy St. Paul's Cathedral and grind it into a fine snortable powder, hung around with a lot of [[w:Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower|suspiciously effeminate young boys]], abused a number of [[w:Sonic 3D|forbidden substances]], spiraled downward as inevitably as Al-Qaeda Airways, weathered a few [[w:Sonic and the Secret Rings|very]] [[w:Sega Superstars Tennis|embarrassing]] [[w:Sonic Adventure 2|attempts]] to regrab the spotlight, and now his shows are attended only by people's dads, who can only shake their heads in despair at the unshaven drug-addled spaz on stage whose pathetic [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 game)|spurts of activity]] masquerading as entertainment only serve to highlight both his and his audience's mutual decline into inexorable piss-dribbling old age. All he needs to do now is hang himself on a doorknob while having a wank!
* It's a fairly safe assumption that anyone who ever had any actual talent at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company to an invading force of leprous retards who create design documents by flicking fountain pens at a pile of shredded paper.
* This isn't the game for you if you like jumping right into the action. Come to think of it, this isn't the game for you even if you don't! I'm not sure what kind of person could consider this the game for them, but they probably live in a cave and subsist on raw fish!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/472-Sonic-Unleashed]

===[[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|Prince of Persia]]===
* The ''Prince of Persia'' series as it stands can best be equated to a man who owns a goose that once, when the conditions were exactly right and after being fed a particular kind of food, laid a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|golden egg]]. He then spent the next few years experimenting with the goose's bedding and vitamin intake hoping to recreate the ideal conditions, and after nothing more than a couple of [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|bronze]] and [[w: Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|silver]] eggs plopped out he went the scientific route of chopping it into fritters looking for the secret. And after that didn't work he hastily stitched it back together, dressed it up in glittery fabric and attached some googly eyes. And that's the new ''Prince of Persia'', an appealingly gaudy appearance that fails to disguise the fact that the old bird is ''dead inside''.
* To utterly misquote Benjamin Franklin, &quot;He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/482-Prince-of-Persia]

===[[w:2008 in video gaming|Awards for 2008]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Turd in a Chocolate Box Award for Surprising Poor Quality: [[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Mirror's Edge'' was a hot contender for this award, until I remembered that the game's badness didn't come as any surprise to me because it was by EA, and I am apparently more skilled in pattern recognition than most. So the award goes to none other than ''Grand Theft Auto IV'', which decided that the best way to bring in specialty madcap sandbox fun into the new console generation was to dip the graphics in filthy dishwater, construct all the vehicles from depleted uranium, and break up the gameplay every five minutes to make you wheel your fat cousin to places and shovel burgers into his gob. Congratulations go out to all at Rockstar, as soon as someone wakes them up. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Tomb Raider: Underworld|Tomb Raider: Underworld]]===
* Tomb Raider Underworld's story goes as follows. Lara's looking for her mum, who is dead, only she isn't really; she's just stuck in the afterlife, so maybe she is dead, I dunno. And there's this evil lady who blows up Lara's house because... er... I guess she really doesn't want Lara to find her mum. The story follows on from [[w:Tomb Raider: Legend|''Tomb Raider: Legend'']], which I haven't played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered: Absolutely bloody no one! Especially not myself. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/502-Tomb-Raider-Underworld]

===[[w:Far Cry 2|Far Cry 2]]===
* [[w:University of California, Davis|You see,]] for sandbox gameplay to work, you need a deeply varied world that calls for exploration (a la [[w:Saints Row 2|''Saints Row 2'']]) and/or some kind of clear ultimate goal hovering overhead (a la [[w:Assassin's Creed|''Assassin's Creed'']]). ''Far Cry 2'' has neither. Its approach is to plunk us without instruction in the middle of nowhere and knock off for lunch. It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild, only for it bewilderedly sit on a daisy for several hours before a [[w:Bear Grylls|predator]] comes along and bites its entire body off. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/510-Far-Cry-2]

===[[w:Gears of War 2|Gears of War 2]]===
* ...This is a game for big manly men with pecs like paving slabs. Anyone who shows any emotion besides grim determination or detached gallows humor is going to either die or get his balls kicked so hard that they blast out of his ears. Other ways to tempt fate in this universe include wearing a helmet, not having a sense of humor, and basically being anyone but the kind of person who'd replace their genitals with a minigun if they thought they could get away with it and found something else they could piss out of!
* It's worth remembering that sometimes popular things are popular for a reason -- because they're good, or because Will Smith is in it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/525-Gears-of-War-2]

===[[w:LittleBigPlanet|Little Big Planet]]===
* I feel there's a fundamental difference of philosophy between me and the developers of ''LittleBigPlanet''. They believe that every single person is an [[w:Dr. Manhattan|extra-special god-child]] with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower; and I believe that every single person is a tosser, and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried under garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers, all of which the moderators hastily delete along with anything that looks at them funny. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/530-Little-Big-Planet]

===[[w:Thief:The Dark Project|Thief: The Dark Project]]===
* So it was left to ''Thief'' to have strange and deviant thoughts like, &quot;What if there was a first-person game where you were trying to achieve something other than genocide, where even one or two measly deaths would have the game slap your hands away from the controls and yell, 'What the fuck?'&quot; And thus was born the stealth-em-up.
* Not that a reasonable person could profitably ogle the guards and civilians in ''Thief''. This was still early days of full 3D, so they all looked and moved like badly made origami polio victims. But there was nothing more impishly entertaining than hiding in a shadow listening to a pair of thicko guards discuss nose picking strategies. Then when they heard your stifled giggling, there was nothing more tense than standing stock-still with breath caught as the aforesaid thickoes peered searchingly into the shadows, so close you could practically see their polygonal nostril hairs quivering, as you pray to a god you never believed in that they'll turn around and facilitate a nice swift bop across the bonce. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/544-Thief-The-Dark-Project]

===[[w:Skate 2|Skate 2]]===
* The main character is a faceless, voiceless, nameless jerk who is incarcerated in a prison whose entire inmate population consists of skaters and whose friends instantly assume they'll want to start skating again once he gets out -- which you can't refuse because you can't fucking speak! -- lending credence to the theory that, rather than being heaven for skaters, this is some kind of hell for people  who call skaters masochistic twats.
* I dunno; I can see how ''Skate 2'' would be fun and satisfying for someone who knew what the hell they were doing, but the path to becoming that sort of someone is so arduous and frustrating you're more likely to just yell, &quot;Fuck it!&quot; and go back to ''Rockband''. Maybe today will be the day I finally complete ''Green Hills and High Tides'' [sic] on expert.
* Personally, I felt more sympathetic for the police than the skaters in this game no matter how often they were depicted as power-tripping authoritarian toolbags diabolically infringing upon our personal right to fling ourselves at top speed down a busy pavement and knock somebody's mum into the path of a Fiat Bravo! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/553-Skate-2]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 2|Fear 2]]===
* And of course there's ''F.E.A.R.'''s ongoing pretensions to being horror games. Amusingly there are several occasions when a scary set piece will rely upon you looking in a certain direction at a certain time, which in many cases you won't be. So, while a ghostly vision farts about off-screen, the soundtrack will give a sudden violin shriek while you stare at a menacing window sill.
* Now I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine a world where [[w:Rocky IV|sequels]] are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we'd miss out on genuinely good sequels like [[w:Thief II: The Metal Age|''Thief 2'']] or [[w:Half-Life 2|''Half-Life 2'']], but I think that's a [[w:Metal Gear Solid IV|small]] [[w:Halo 3|price]] to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no [[w:George Lucas|franchises]], so there'd be less fandom, so all the nerds will go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases.  And best of all, endings would have to have some ''fucking closure!'' Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous &quot;to be continued&quot; bullshit, [[w:Beyond Good and Evil (game)|when you have no idea if you'll even make a sequel]], will be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|recurring themes and metaphors]], and [[w:Tomb Raider: Anniversary|remakes]] will carry the ''death penalty!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Web of Shadows|Spiderman: Web of Shadows]]===
* I know that Spiderman's flaws and humanity are central to his character -- great responsibility, Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy, clone saga, derpy derpy doo -- but I'm sure there's a way to bring that across without making him a whiny little bitch! I don't know who they got to do the voice but he badly needs to make his balls drop, with pliers if necessary.
* ''Web of Shadows'' makes the high-speed web-slinging stay in mopping the floors while the combat goes out to beat up faggots. And combats are never going to be unique again. [[w:God Hand|Fists,]] [[w:God of War (video game)|chains,]] [[w: Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|ropes with spikes on the end,]] [[w:Call of Duty|guns,]] [[w:Ninja Gaiden|swords,]] [[w:Final Fantasy VIII|guns that are also swords]] -  these are all roads well traveled. If I want to hurt people I'll play ''[[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|God of War]]'', or prowl the homeless shelters with a knife and garrote wire, but if I want to swing around on webs very fast I'll play ''Spider-Man''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/584-Spiderman-Web-of-Shadows]

===[[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|House of the Dead: Overkill]]===
* ''House of the Dead'' [[w:The House of the Dead 2 &amp; 3 Return|as a series]] has long been the butt of jokes for its atrocious stories, disastrous translation and calamitous voice acting; but at the same time it's also got a history of canny self-parody. [[w:The House of the Dead 2|''House of the Dead 2'']] was re-released as [[w:Typing of the Dead|a surprisingly hilarious typing tutor]] in which the guns were replaced by magical keyboards that blew off zombie limbs and heads with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs, and which I heartily recommend to anyone who feels that zombie massacres need not be precluded from the development of secretarial skills. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/600-House-of-the-Dead-Overkill]

===[[w:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand|50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]]===
* You know what? A society where [[w:Ninja|anyone]] can make jokes about [[w:Pirate|anyone else]] and everyone laughs is a truly tolerant society. Political-correctness-charged censorship only serves to engender [[w:Pirates versus Ninjas|resentment and distance between social groups]]. Besides, gangster rappers don't need defending, they've got guns for that!
* All the other characters talk and act like they're in a rejected Indiana Jones plot; eloquently soliloquizing their motivations while 50 Cent swaggers about slurring thick urban dialect, sticking out like a sausage roll in a soufflé. But if this were deliberate, it would imply some level of sophistication on the part of the writer, which I can't accept. If it were an Indiana Jones plot, it'd be one dictated by a Phantom Menace era George Lucas to a secretary who doesn't speak English.
* Remove your presumptions and we find ourselves playing a game about an extremely rich man, who wears two hats for no adequate reason, destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself -- presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/616-50-Cent-Blood-on-the-Sand]

===[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]===
* ''(on the game's inventory system)'' And here's the really fun part: If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space, too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor! It's all such a fucking unintuitive nuisance, and whoever came up with it should be sent to a special hell where he has to pack shopping for crotchety old women! ...Or perhaps just punched in the stomach.
* But let’s close this review with a revisit of [[w:Resident_Evil_5#Allegations_of_racism|that lovely matter of racism]] that’s been hanging around like a bad smell. ''RE5'' actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. ''Oh, dears!'' Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one really shouldn't worry about this sort of thing unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. [[w:Capcom|Capcom]] aren't bad people, they're just idiots. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/624-Resident-Evil-5]

===[[w:Halo Wars|Halo Wars]]===
* The story so far: I'm embarking upon an occasional quest to play games belonging to [[w:Madden NFL 2009|genres]] I've never really gotten into; a campaign I thoroughly expect to wholeheartedly regret the next time a big [[w:Eternal Sonata|JRPG]] comes out, but mostly due to my excremental boredom with the procession of identical [[w: Halo 3|powered-armor]] [[w:Gears of War 2|space marines]] that clog up mainstream action gaming like so much hyper-masculine mildew. As part of this venture I've been playing ''Halo Wars'', which may come across as a curious choice because it's a game about identical powered-armor space marines — GYAAARGH!
* The business of selecting units is also a right ass, and that may sound like a small complaint, but small things can lead to big problems, like a tiny piece of broken glass lodged in a urinary tract. Games that evolved in PC waters have trouble adapting to a non-mouse controlled environment and RTS is no exception. Lacking click-and-drag, all you can do is select one prick, select one prick and all his prick friends standing within a fixed diameter, select all the pricks on the current screen, or call a great big all-map prick hoedown. So if you just want to, say, select all your flying pricks for a strategic insertion, then you're going to have a bit of prick trouble beyond the might of any soothing cream. 
* [About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after a timer ran out] &quot;We lost contact!&quot; went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words &quot;WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.&quot; appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their [[w:battle-royale-film|Battle Royale]] collars explode!? Did they [[w:Seppuku|lose honor and disembowel themselves]]? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole '''fucking''' mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT!
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars]

===[[w:Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars|Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars]]===
* The DS meanwhile is not a turd (and good thing, too, with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kinda does its own thing,  It does it well, but ''GTA'' is from a different world. ''Chinatown Wars'' is therefore the bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers from two warring families, tragically shot dead while trying to elope by a hired gun (played in this drama by myself), too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.
* It seems that the weird thing about ''Chinatown Wars'' so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults. Stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality — all the foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/657-Grand-Theft-Auto-Chinatown-Wars]

===[[w:MadWorld|MadWorld]]===
* There really needs to be a name for this sub-genre, so I'm going to make one up: ''spectacle fighters'' - games in which most of the standard baddies are about as effectual as a panda's love spuds, and the emphasis is less on them being challenges to get past and more on them being squirty punching bags to be dispatched in the most spectacular ways. ''[[w:Devil May Cry|Devil May Cry]]'', ''[[w:Viewtiful Joe|Viewtiful Joe]]'', ''[[w:God Hand|God Hand]]'' and arguably ''[[w:Manhunt|Manhunt]]'' are the foamy-mouthed horses that already populate this rowdy stable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/673-MadWorld]

===[[w:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.|Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]]===
* Now I'm no expert on this (or indeed, anything except dick analogies) but I do know that modern military jets are very fucking fast things. By the time you see one it's already over there, so combat in such a thing would usually amount to pressing a button and watching something half a mile behind you burst into flames, and that's not just idle fact it's cold hard speculation. But real life makes not for entertainment, so for this game we're all just going to dogfight in jets like it's nineteen-forty-fucking-five, okay?
* The PMC  point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. ''But then!'' They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X]

===[[w:Siren Blood Curse|Siren Blood Curse]]===
* [[w:Silent Hill 2|Survival horror]] is what I might call my &quot;pet&quot; genre, a pet I keep in the tool shed and feed broken glass, and in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/486-Awards-for-2008 my awards for last year] I accused [[w:Dead Space (game)|everything that claimed survival horror status]] of being nothing but a parade of action games where some of the enemies jump very suddenly out of cupboards. But some viewers took issue with that: &quot;What about ''Siren Blood Curse''?&quot; they cried. &quot;While you were blindly clinging to the hope that [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|the new developers would recover ''Silent Hill'' from the dustbin]] with the baked beans and fish heads cleaned off, the PS3 was enjoying a true original survival horror game full of all that Japanese-style horror you hold in such high esteem, watashi wa baka gaijin, etc. etc.&quot; So, all right, I guess I'm going to have to put my hands up to that one. Yes, there was at least one survival horror game last year - it's just that it was ''rubbish''.
* That's the other major problem I have: When you play ''Siren'', you do things it's way. It has that adventure game problem of every challenge having one ''and only one'' solution. &quot;You will step in line, motherfucker, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off back to your sandbox.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/696-Siren-Blood-Curse]

===[[w:The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena|The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena]]===
* My theory is that ''Dark Athena'' consists of two mission packs that were inexpertly mashed together, after it became clear that the second one was too short and too shit. It's in this chapter that we're introduced to the &quot;spider turret&quot;, a small wall-mounted enemy that is very hard to spot and which can knock off all your health in two hits from two continents away -- an enemy which can only have been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of sixteenth century puritans working to eliminate the very concept of fun.
* Riddick in [[w:Pitch Black (film)|''Pitch Black'']] had some personality, a sense of humor, actual flaws and ambiguous morals — you know, like what us tiresome ''human beings'' have. But now he's just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growl threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that are supposed to make him sound like a warrior poet but more give the impression that he has fortune cookie papers glued to the inside of his goggles! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/714-The-Chronicles-of-Riddick-Assault-on-Dark-Athena]

===[[w:Valkyria Chronicles|Valkyria Chronicles]]===
* Work has been put into giving every soldier a distinct face, personality, and one-line back story, which is probably just intended to make us give a shit, but was really useful in helping me remember the useless fatheads. There was this one guy, a sniper, looked like he was suffering from reverse aging and he just felt his testicles being absorbed into his body, seemed to hit maybe one out of every ten shots, and every time I brought him along, the enemy would always aim for him first. It was uncanny. It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull sucked every passing bullet right into his face.
* ''Valkyria Chronicles'' helped me come to two distressing realizations about myself -- firstly, that I might technically be a Nazi sympathizer; and secondly, that turn-based strategy is something I might be able to get into. Here and there in battle, I caught myself getting slightly entertained. but ''Valkyria Chronicles'' messes itself around too much. Aside from the action being outnumbered five to one by cutscenes and muddy menu-driven micromanagement motherfuckery, enemies should not be able to shoot you when it's not their fucking turn! It's like an opponent in chess flicking elastic bands at your pawns while you're trying to think. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/724-Valkyria-Chronicles]

===[[w:Velvet Assassin|Velvet Assassin]]===
* So it's a third person stealth game with a ''Splinter-Cell''-crossed-with-''Hitman''-crossed-with-''Schindler's-List'' sort of feel, with a dash of ''Thief's'' atmosphere and a sprinkling of ''Metal Gear Solid's'' confused vaguely anti-war bullshit message.
* I have a special little black hole in my cold obsidian heart for stealth gameplay, but it's like owning a tiger. It's very impressive if you know how to look after it, but if you don't you're going to be cleaning massive dollops of your former children off of the kitchen floor. Instant game-overs the moment the guards so much as smell your farts are an example of bad stealth. And while ''Velvet Assassin'' does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, you have a bad haircut, so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen ''hyperbolillionth'' time.
* One thing's for sure: This definitely wasn't an American production because, if it was, it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violet watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and ''Valkyria Chronicles'', what's with all the World War Two games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/739-Velvet-Assassin]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever]]===
*My one criticism for ''Duke Nukem Forever'' is that it comes on fourteen DVDs, but I'd expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display, and a good thing too. I mean, hypothetically, if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super-game and had merely been jerking off for twelve years, then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys, but there are also investors (who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people) who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they've never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining than a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people who still genuinely believe that something half-decent could come out of this rigmarole would say, &quot;That's tragic.&quot; '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that is not tragic, that is how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by Social Services. But anyway, the point was, I'm just glad I don't live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I'd better stop here, because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we'd go pony trekking under the sea. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever]

===[[w:Bionic Commando (2009 video game)|Bionic Commando]]===
*The bionic commando, a character so lasting and dynamic that I completely forgot his name, is on death row for... being a bionic commando apparently. But then a group of radical bionics nuke a city to make everyone realize what harmless and level-headed people they are, so the government give our hero his arm back and send him in, but they call him up every five minutes to call him a tosser so at least they're not hypocrites. Also, there's a subplot concerning his missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is ''officially'' the most ''retarded'' thing I've heard since I called the walrus hotline! Whatever, I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch - I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/759-Bionic-Commando]

===[[w:Infamous (video game)|inFamous]]===
*In my [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/565-Fear-2 ''FEAR 2'' review] I made the point that government supersoldier projects are a flawed premise because any death machine with free will will inevitably notice that there's something iffy about taking orders from cabals of aging generals when they could beat bears to death from across the room using only their prostates. If superpowers are to be had handing them out to random passers-by seems as good a system as any, because then we could all ask ourselves whether we'd use the gift to help people or blow up the entire world. Of course I would ask why we can't have more options. Can't I just help people as a day job and destroy the world on the weekends? Or maybe I'd just fuck the whole complicated business and go back to working at Wal-Mart, using my powers to jump-start the little carts the fatties ride around on.
* Anyway, everyone knows that a ''really'' evil person would take the good options to create a facade of benevolence while slowly building their power base and public confidence until, just when you least expect it... '''BAM!''' Off-world slavery. And even then the Republicans would probably still vote for them. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/767-inFamous]

===[[w:Electronic Entertainment Expo 2009|The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]]===
*'''[[w:Kinect|Project Natal!]]''' I know they pronounced it &quot;Nat-ahl&quot;, but I'm going to keep calling it &quot;Nay-tal&quot; because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a [[w:Milo and Kate|dead-eyed CG ten-year-old]] while [[w:Peter Molyneux|Peter Molyneux]] stands in the background gushing about it. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one &quot;unwinds&quot; by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre]
*'''[[w:Sonic All-Stars Racing|Sonic All-Stars Racing!]]''' First thought: &quot;Why the fuck does [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic the Hedgehog]] need a car?&quot; Second thought: &quot;Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?&quot;

===[[w:Prototype (video game)|Prototype]]===
*''Prototype'' still wins, though, because a sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[w:Infamous_(video_game)|Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly like emo Peter Pan. I'd say it was, &quot;Made of win,&quot; but if I did I'd have to strangle myself.
* Again, zapping people in the balls is really the only schadenfreude to be had in ''inFamous'', and ''Prototype'' absolutely skull-fucks it in the dicking around event: Eat an old man, take his appearance, run all they way up the tallest building, then elbow-drop two hundred stories directly onto his confused and frightened wife. Then sneak up behind two soldiers and eat one without his friend noticing, then when the two of you get back to base, accuse your friend of being you in disguise.  Then when all the other soldiers are distracted shooting him, EAT THEM, TOO! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/789-Prototype]

===[[w:The Sims 3|The Sims 3]]===
* Truly, my objection comes because what I am is a critic of ''games'', not a critic of computer programs that you just fuck around in!
*This may sound a little bit hysterical but ''The Sims'' is probably the most evil game in the world. It's not the [[w:Manhunt (video game)|''Manhunt'']] kind of evil that convinces children to put each others' heads in plastic bags - that's pussy evil. It's not even the [[w:World of Warcraft|''World of Warcraft'']] type of evil that turns millions of people into mindless zombies, doomed to walk the earth devouring pizza and Cheetos. No, ''The Sims'' is evil out of a sense of underlying wrongness. Despite physical appearance every character feels the same, a facade of wholesomeness stretched over a dead empty interior, a hive-like community of beings who make an effort to imitate human behavior but don't quite grasp the subtleties. And you just know that if you peel their skin back you'll find reptilian scales or a black chitinous exoskeleton. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/800-The-Sims-3]

===[[w:Ghostbusters: The Video Game|Ghostbusters: The Video Game]]===
*People or properties more commonly associated with famous [[w:Steven Spielberg|movies]], [[w:Clive Barker|books]], birthday card messages, etc, decide to grace the video game industry with [[w:Boom Blox|their]] [[w:Clive Barker's Jericho|presence]] and everyone's all like, &quot;Ooh, show us how it's done great sensei, because we've honestly just been guessing up to now!&quot; It belies not only the endless disrespect video games receive, but also gaming's collective self-esteem problem. If something worked as a movie, then that qualifies it to work as a sequence of amusing lights and sounds that hold the average scumbag's jaw slacked for around two hours. Whereas a video game has to stand up to about ten hours of unpleaseable nerds like me turning over every rock looking for stuff to complain about. My point is, asking a filmmaker to make a game is like asking a sausage maker to suck off a pig. You can sort of see the logical connection there, but it's a completely different skillset and the effort will just leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/811-Ghostbusters-The-Video-Game]

===[[w:Overlord 2|Overlord 2]]===
*''Overlord 2'' plonks you in the usual generic fantasy world and into the big Renaissance Faire booties of some guy who at least subscribes to the same magazines as [[w:Sauron|Lord Sauron]], and your task is to use an army of giggling imp minions to... Actually that's a good point; what the fuck are we doing here? Taking over the world, probably, not that they ever tell you that. I guess once you put your big spiky helmet on over your glowing eyes and raised an army of demons to do your bidding, you can't exactly go back to business school.
* Also, is there a specific imp who has died and for whom you had a particular fondness? No there isn't, you fucking liar, they're all identical! But just in case there is (if you're the kind of person who assigns personalities to their dining room chairs), then you can resurrect specific ones for a small price, you weirdo. You see, the imps fail to endear themselves to me, which could be because they control like ass! A fat one to be precise, sitting on a pair of stilts with roller skates on the end.
* You see, while it is true that people enjoy being a dick in games, it stops being fun when the game actually wants you to be a dick. It's less about dickishness itself and more about defying the rules. That's why it's more fun to be a dick in, say, ''Half Life 2'' because the game is desperately trying to make you out as the hero even while you're jumping on someone's head throwing broken bottles into people's eyes. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/822-Overlord-2]

===[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]===
*After that a load of boring plot happened, and I was let into the real game and still brimming with [[w:Thor|Viking rage]], my first instinct was to see what effect [[w:Mjöllnir|Mjöllnir]] would have on the nearest human being. For the first blow they just told me to stop arsing around, and on the second their spine snapped neatly in half. Hah! Teach him to tell me what to do. But then a little message came up saying that my morale had gone down. No, it fucking hadn't, ''Red Faction Guerrilla''! Now get out of the way so I can break all your stuff! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/834-Red-Faction-Guerrilla]

===[[w:Wii Sports Resort|Wii Sports Resort]]===
*''Wii Sports Resort'' is mostly functional and you could probably have a lot of fun playing it with friends or some children you intend to molest. But I oppose it because I see what it represents: a dead end. Your motion sensor could have full 1:1 control and incorporate a twenty-two function Swiss Army knife, but that won't change the fact that without physical feedback, motion controls are unimmersive! In the long run, they can only hope to sucker in casual gamers with teaspoon-shallow minigames like Wii Sports, the gaming equivalent of the cartoon cinemas used to play before the film. I say stop buying the Wii, fuck [[w:Project Natal|Project Natal]] up the arse, and maybe this whole motion sensor trend can fuck off and make room for the next innovation. Like cyberspace! Or a controller made of fruit! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/844-Wii-Sports-Resort]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood|Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]]===
*At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges; and as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot!
* They could even have had three-way co-op, let the third guy play as &quot;Wee-um&quot;. Press X to hide, press triangle to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/860-Call-of-Juarez-Bound-in-Blood]

===[[w:The Conduit|The Conduit]]===
*I read in the gaming journals that ''The Conduit'' uses [[w:Quantum3#Quantum3_engine|special technology]] that makes it look as good as games on the [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|PS3]] and [[w:Gears of War 2|Xbox.]] Then I waited a few minutes for the punchline, but apparently they were serious! To put it charitably, the game is ''fucking ugly''! This isn't even because of the Wii. I've seen [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|better-looking Wii games]] and even [[w:Metroid Prime|Gamecube games]] - this is more on the level of a PS2 that someone's trodden on. I can't remember the last time I saw a game depict a skyline by painting one on a wall and erecting it a few feet away from the window. That's shit I'd expect from a [[w:Tex Murphy|Tex Murphy]] game, and Christ, this is turning into a good review for [[w:Under a Killing Moon|obscure references]], isn't it?
* The sole element ''The Conduit'' can claim as a unique gameplay mechanic is a glorified flashlight that reveals invisible locking mechanisms, essentially doing nothing but an extra phase to the &quot;press button, open door&quot; routine. Don't worry if you're not keen on scavenger hunts, though, because the presence of a nearby invisible thing is helpfully indicated by the soundtrack going, &quot;BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!&quot; while you're still trying to clear the room of those fucking insidious scuttlefuck spawners. &quot;''BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!''&quot;  And then when you think you've cleared the room and put your weapon away to shut the fucking thing up; Lo and behold! There was another monster spawner on the ceiling you couldn't see because you can't look up! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/869-The-Conduit]

===[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill 2]]===
* You see, ''Silent Hill 2'' isn't just a game I think is good. ''Silent Hill 2'' is the game I replay every now and again to remind myself that, for all the shiny brown/quick time event/RPG element/space marines, gaming is still worth defending. If I were Batman, ''Silent Hill 2'' would be my murdered parents, if you see what I mean.
*''Silent Hill 2'' is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in [[w:Sigmund Freud|symbolism]], the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of [[w:Pyramid Head|Pyramid Head]] (in his first appearance before he totally sold out) an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/878-Silent-Hill-2]

===[[w:'Splosion Man|2.5D]] [[w:Trine(video game)|Hoedown]]===
* '' 'Splosion Man'' puts me in mind of [[w:N+|N+]] crossed with ''[[w:Portal (game)|Portal]]'', and then crossed with ''Portal'' a few more times until very little of ''N+'' remained. It's set in a futuristic laboratory like the one in ''Portal'', but it doesn't get suspicious until you find your first ''cake''. There's one on every level you can get for extra points, which is obviously way better than ''Portal'' which just had the one, and even that one was of questionable status. And you remember how ''Portal'' memorably featured [[w:Still Alive (song)|a jaunty song with quirky lyrics?]] '' 'Splosion Man'' has ''three''. I appreciate that you have to do whatever it takes to stand out in the indie market, but '' 'Splosion Man'' really is trying too hard, like an insecure man who goes to work in bright green trousers so the people will pay attention to him, if only for long enough to tell him to change his stupid green trousers. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/892-2-5D-Hoedown]

===[[w:Tales of Monkey Island|Tales of Monkey Island]]===
* ''Monkey Island'' was part of my childhood. I had the [[w:The Secret of Monkey Island|first]] [[w:Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge|two]] on my [[w:Amiga|Amiga]] - don't suppose you embryos would remember those times when a game like ''Monkey Island 2'' came on twelve floppy disks and playing it was like operating an old-fashioned switchboard? The first two games are still timelessly imaginative, sparkling, and very very funny, and therefore have no place in this review. The problem with the [[w:The Curse of Monkey Island|later]] [[w:Escape from Monkey Island|installments]] is the usual one that occurs when a series has been in cryogenics for a few years in that the new developers are almost always ''fans'' who, in their eagerness to show &quot;respect&quot; for their beloved franchise, prefer to lavish it in tongue baths in place of any significant evolution. In the second episode of ''Tales of Monkey Island'', a character whistles a snatch of music from ''Monkey Island 2,'' which might have been kind of cool if he had not then said, ''&quot;GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT MUSIC'S FROM, HMM?! HMM?! Wink-wink! Slurp-slurp! Tongue bath!&quot;'' I'm reminded of a cat showing affection to its owner by gobbing a dead bird onto his rug. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/901-Tales-of-Monkey-Island]

===[[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|Wolfenstein]]===
* You know what future historians will say about us, right? There were two very different games within the same twenty-year period, both called ''Wolfenstein'' and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the [[w:Wolfenstein 3D|first.]] From this we conclude that the people of the early 21st century were ''taking the piss!'' It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the [[w:First-person shooter|genre]], but ''Wolfenstein'' (the new one that is) subscribes to so many of the cliches of [[w:Gears of War 2|current]] [[w:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|generation]] [[w:F.E.A.R. 2|action]] [[w:Halo 3|games]] that it's like ''[[w:The Spy Who Loved Me (film)|The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' of FPSs. It's so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That's why I've decided to review it... ''in limerick form!''

* In the tumultuous time before D-day / There once was man named BJ / With chocolate box hair / And a face like a bear / And a jacket he picked up on E-bay.
* Your gun is of course your best friend / On which you must always depend / When you get into fights / You can look down the sights / And bullets come out of the end. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein]

===[[w:Batman: Arkham Asylum|Batman Arkham Asylum]]===
*I had my doubts about ''Arkham Asylum'' because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when ''you're Batman'', a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit - and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit - but I just love that bit in ''The Dark Knight'' when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from ''The Departed'', until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye.
* Also, it's amazing how I only really care about auto-run after it's been taken away. If I fail to hold down &quot;X&quot; every single time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his ass. I thought we perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it half way to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for... I dunno, the &quot;bat spank?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/926-Batman-Arkham-Asylum]

===[[w:The Beatles: Rock Band|Beatles Rock Band]] and [[w:Guitar Hero 5|Guitar Hero 5]]===
* Rhythm games are a bit of an indictment of our generation, aren't they? Why yes, I ''would'' like to clarify that position! We've never had a decent war to give us any sense of mutual achievement or confidence, so we place anyone with the slightest talent or notoriety on ridiculous pedestals and tell ourselves we could never reach them because we're just so shit! And then ''Rock Band'' and ''Guitar Hero'' say, &quot;Yes! You are shit! Real guitar's not in ''your'' league; all the shit will come off your shitty fingers and clog up the fretboard! But never mind; here's something that isn't much like playing real guitar but kind of looks like it, and that's the best ''you'' could hope for, isn't it, you empty, hopeless turd?!&quot; Let me ask you something, ''Guitar Hero'': Do you really want to create a generation surfing across mediocrity on a wave of plinky-plonky plastic? And when the fuck are you going to license ''Stairway to Heaven''? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/941-Beatles-Rock-Band-and-Guitar-Hero-5]

===[[w:Darkest of Days|Darkest of Days]]===
*When you're dealing with time travel it's important to establish whose rules are in play. Is this ''[[w:12 Monkeys|12 Monkeys]]'' rules where you can't change shit? Or ''[[w:Back to the Future|Back to the Future]]'' rules where you can change shit but the time line is kind of easygoing about it? Or ''[[w:Terminator_(franchise)|Terminator]]'' rules where [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|you can change shit,]] but then [[w:Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines|maybe you can't change shit,]] and then you make a [[w:Terminator:_The_Sarah_Connor_Chronicles|God-awful TV series]] and [[w:Christian_Bale#Terminator_Salvation_incident|Christian Bale yells at someone?]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/957-Darkest-of-Days]

===[[w:Scribblenauts|Scribblenauts]]===
* I feel sorry for people who are god, and I shouldn't because that's like feeling sorry for Paris Hilton.
* Don't ask how I got into this situation but, on one level, I had a truck hanging [[w:Italian Job| ''Italian Job'']]-style over a lava pit with a star embedded in an ice block sitting on the end. I had an ice pick and all I had to do was carefully move along the truck, smash the ice and get the star. Even if I fell into the lava, if I had the star, I'd still win, with an agonizing, flesh-vaporizing victory dance. But as I tapped on the block to break it, it shifted slightly and I clicked the background. And fuck! it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do that! He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a clown when he grew up. I'd call him a fucking drunken spastic, but apparently those words don't exist.
*If I were feeling charitable, I'd liken it to having infinite amounts of Lego and only being allowed to access ten blocks of it at a time. But it's not even that. It's more like no-clipping through ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]'' with all the lights turned up; all the content with no structure or entertainment value; not so much a game as a developer showing off. Congratulations [[w:5th Cell|guys]], you've proved that you have a fuck-load of free time and a dictionary. Come back when you've looked up what &quot;fun&quot; means. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/969-Scribblenauts]

===[[w:WET (video game)|Wet]]===
* There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon.
*The main character is Rubi, a tomboy-ish assassin who's about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim; and this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a fifteen-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is [[w:Russ Meyer|Russ Meyer]] and you built an [[w:Supervixens|entire]] [[w:Faster,_Pussycat!_Kill!_Kill!|film-making]] [[w:Beyond_the_Valley_of_the_Dolls|career]] around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. ''That's MY thing''! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/981-Wet]

===[[w:Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story|Mario &amp; Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]]===
*I don't have a problem with aiming games at kids, although I do despise kids. Seriously, I don't think you quite grasp how much I loathe children. Given three wishes, I'll ask for a puppy, a decent chip sandwich and for every child-bearing womb on the planet to pop out and fly away like a cheery parade of greasy red balloons. But while kids are pretty fucking stupid - I mean, even with all the crayons in the world, they still can't draw a fucking house - that doesn't mean you can't ''try'' to challenge them. When I was a kid, we played games where you had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you! Kids today get their hands held so hard their fingers turn white and drop off! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1007-Mario-Luigi-Bowsers-Inside-Story]

===[[w:Brütal Legend|Brütal Legend]]===
* It's difficult to put down in words my opinion of Tim Schaffer but, basically, if I had access to a doomsday machine, I'd reduce the entire population of the world to me, Tim Schaffer, and maybe a woman (if she promised to wear a Tim Schaffer mask).
* I ask you now: How many more genres have to be sacrificed to the sandbox monster before we remember the importance of specialization? We've already lost the RPGs, the racers, the shooters, the brawlers, [[w:Rub-a-dub-dub|the bakers, the candlestick makers]] - all stouped together into games of all trades, masters [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|of]] [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|none.]] And now we're losing real-time strategy; where does it end? Will I one day be refused the straight-line block in ''Tetris'' until I've journeyed to the Sargoth Plains and recovered the fifty sacred horse-bollocks? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1044-Brutal-Legend]

===[[w:Washington D.C.|Washington D.C.]]===
* Yeah, that raises the question: If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation? If you got, like, Siamese twins... who share the same, like, downstairs parts, and one of them consents and the other one doesn't... is it rape?  I mean, if the other one consents?   It's like a... it's a timeshare vagina. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1060-Washington-DC]

===[[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|Uncharted 2: Among Thieves]]===
* [''Uncharted: Drake's Fortune''] wasn't awful, but it had fewer original thoughts than the BBC program planning department. It had one ball from ''Gears of War'' in its mouth and another from ''Tomb Raider'' and was sucking for all it's might. The plot was removed by cesarean section from an Indiana Jones movie so sloppily that doctors were unable to save any of the relatable characters or coherent motivations; and also took a lead from the [[w: The Da Vinci Code (film)| Dan Brown]] school of puzzles. i.e. present the viewer some ancient riddle, then immediately solve it for them because if they were smart they wouldn't be watching this piss.
* Like a supermodel who was considered ugly because she wears a baggy sweater, Drake is generically handsome beneath the strategically-placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble; supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded, gibbon-armed-flailing jumping technique; and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacement in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria - although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game, he has now moved on to non-American whites. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1078-Uncharted-2-Among-Thieves]

===[[w:Dragon Age: Origins|Dragon Age: Origins]]===
*''Dragon Age'' calls itself a &quot;Dark Fantasy&quot;. It's rather cute, really, like a D&amp;D nerd getting his ear pierced because he fancies the goth girl who works at Starbucks. ''Dragon Age'' isn't Dark Fantasy, nor is it Light Grey, Avocado, or Caffeine-Free Fantasy -- it's just straight Fantasy Classic; it's a straight-line Tetris block wiping out four big, fat rows of demand for traditional single-player RPGs. Its got elves, dwarves, dragons, it's got a title screen depicting a sword sticking out of the ground, and the world map looks like a fire-breathing coffee drinker's been sick on it. We're talking 100% commitment here, where every individual element could be taken out of context and every single one could make your girlfriend legitimately call you a sad bastard.
* I remember hearing somewhere that ''Dragon Age'' contained nine novels worth of text, which didn't really sell it to me. Who the fuck sits down to read nine novels at once, if they don't live in the fucking Bastille?! So about seventy five percent of your playtime is spent making rather creepy loving eye contact with NPCs as they talk about the weather, the political situation, and the small group of ogres who are standing behind you and who will stove in your head with lead pipes literally the very instant this conversation ends, all in the same placid tone of voice, even when you're freshly battled and your body is spotted with blood splatters like a menstruating leper, which makes everyone in the world seem a little bit mental. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1096-Dragon-Age-Origins]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2]]===
* &quot;Unimpressed by our [[w:Controversies_surrounding_Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_2#.22No_Russian.22_Mission|controversy]], are you?&quot; says [[w:Infinity Ward|Infinity Ward]]. &quot;Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!&quot; Remember how, in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/689-Tom-Clancys-H-A-W-X my ''HAWX'' review], I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, ''MW2'' skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe.
* At the point when I was ramping a snowmobile over a sixty foot abyss, I realized that all pretense of realism had been savagely dropped and they had opted to write some demented and confusing James Bond story where James Bond gets murdered half an hour in to be replaced by a bloke called, &quot;Bames Jond.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1118-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-2]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed 2|Assassin's Creed 2]]===
* Being European, there's an old saying I'm quite fond of: In Heaven, the food is Italian, the police are British, the [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|platformers are French]], the [[w:Serious Sam|shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by [[w:Nintendo|two international]] [[w:Microsoft|software giants]] and an [[w:Sony|electronics corporation]]. In Hell, the food is British, the [[w:Too Human|shooters are Canadian]], and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers. About the only important things Italy ever did were the Renaissance and murdering Jesus - deicide and a whole bunch of painters running around being gay. But it's in that gay painty period of history that we find the setting of ''Assassin's Creed 2,'' or to use its other name, &quot;Ubisoft's 20-hour ''Assassin's Creed 1'' Repentance.&quot;
* Yes! Someone at Ubisoft thankfully started taking practicality pills, and Ezio can actually run at full pelt down a street without guards getting suspicious, because this is Renaissance Italy, where it's more suspicious to ''not'' dress and act like a complete bell-end. Also thank fuck there's a fast travel system now, and you don't have to take lengthy horse journeys between every fucking mission. Unless you want to. Like if you've got a lady friend 'round and you want to hypnotize her with the sight of a horse's ass bobbing up and down for half an hour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1148-Assassins-Creed-2]

===[[w:Left 4 Dead 2|Left 4 Dead 2]] &amp; [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|New Super Mario Bros Wii]]===
*Nintendo's Mario team really don't seem to have any ambition besides subsisting on bits of crust they can scrape from the pimply underbelly of nostalgia, lest anything as dangerous as a new idea appear in their brains and give them a fucking seizure! But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, &quot;This shit will not fly!&quot;[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1191-Left-4-Dead-2-New-Super-Mario-Bros-Wii]

===[[w:Demon's Souls|Demon's Souls]]===
*Eventually though I got through the first dingy castle full of jerks and found the first demon, which was a giant slow-moving cowpat. Probably fitting for the very first tier but I was starting to think the game was making fun of me. Anyway, some helpful prior player advised me via the medium of floor to use fire-based weapons, so I opened the menu to put some fire on my sword, whereupon I was cowpatted to death because opening the menu doesn't pause the game. &quot;''Pause?!''&quot; it seemed to say. &quot;What kind of faggot are you? I don't care if you need to answer the phone, real gamers have no friends!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1321-Demons-Souls]

===Holiday 2009===
*Oh, what the fuck are ''you'' doing here? It's Christmas! Haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday! ... (That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that Northern Hemisphere weather is workin' out for ya.) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1340-Holiday-2009]

===[[w:The Saboteur (2009 video game)|Saboteur]]===
* I think I've realized the problem with World War II games: It's that everyone already knows how they're going to end! A load of fascists with hard-ons for sausages and hanging big red banners on everything take over continental Europe, spread themselves over too many fronts like a single-cunted hooker filling in for her triple-cunted friend, Hitler kills himself just in time for some Russians to come and laugh at his mono-bollock, and an entire sub-genre of alternate history fiction is born.
* Paris is one of those old European cities where the roads have been built up over the centuries from the ancient dirt tracks where some proto-Frenchman long ago left a sickly goat out in the sun to create the very first disgusting cheese. So that leaves us with a lot of narrow, twisty roads inhabited by lots of nuns, poodles, and strolling lovers in the brief moments before they all get tangled up in your wheel arches.
* I've honestly lost count of all the ways I've killed Nazis in my life as a gamer. I've killed them in linear [[w:Medal of Honor: Airborne|first-]] and [[w:BloodRayne|third-person]], sandbox [[w:Wolfenstein (2009 video game)|first-]] and third-person, I've shot their planes down in [[w:IL-2 Sturmovik: Birds of Prey|flight sims]], I've [[w:List of Mario series characters#Bullet Bill|invaded their installations]] in [[w:Company of Heroes|RTSes]], and in [[w:Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis|the Indiana Jones adventure games]], I've point-and-clicked their lights out. Now ''The Saboteur'' has let me beat the Nazis in a go-kart race, so all I have to do now to have the full collection is smack a Nazi to death with a ''Guitar Hero'' controller! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1353-Saboteur]

===[[w:2009 in video gaming|Awards for 2009]]===
* &lt;p&gt;'''The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die: [[w:Michael Atkinson (politician)|Michael Atkinson]]'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;After [[w:Super Mario Bros. Wii|Super Mario Bros. Wii]] was just an NES Mario game with four times the bullshit, I was tempted to give this award to Mario, but frankly, it's a little too obvious, and complaining about Mario's undying nature is like using a shield and claymore to take on a speeding train. So instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson, a South Australian attorney general who continues to ensure that half the games get [[w:Silent Hill Homecoming|banned]] or [[w:Left 4 Dead 2|censored]] and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation ''and'' the world every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old ''fuck''.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1367-Awards-for-2009]&lt;/p&gt;

===[[w:Torchlight|Torchlight]]===
* I have a lot of respect for the fantasy peasant village economic model. It seems like those guys have got a good scam going on. First you accidentally build your settlement within easy walking distance of the local gnoll encampment or dragon cave or directly on top of a gateway to Hell, then all you have to do is build a big fat checkpoint in the village square and keep giving birth to potential kidnap victims, and your storekeeper, your blacksmith, your tailor and your innkeeper, they'll all be set for fucking life! Okay, someone's pretty daughter gets dragged off by kobolds every other night, but hey, you've cornered the lucrative adventurer market. Just buy another one! I bet this is why NPCs in RPG peasant villages never move from a single spot directly in front of their place of business; if they move, all the adventurer money in their pockets will pull their trousers down. Presumably, they pay a helper gnome to come along every morning to shovel breakfast cereal into their mouths. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1385-Torchlight]

===[[w:Darksiders|Darksiders]]===
* Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': The Chump Chop (square), The Double Chump Chop (square, square), and The Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha (square, square, square).
*[[w:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse#Red Horse|War]] has absolutely no personality; he's a great big brick that gets in fights, going about things with an air of cold, angsty dispassion. He doesn't seem to give a toss about anything he does, so why should I? And what right does War have to be angsty about his life? He's fucking War! He's never had to queue up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer; he just breaks things! If I were War, and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling; I'd go, &quot;Fucking hell! Did anyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders]

===[[w:Bayonetta|Bayonetta]]===
*I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of [[w:Common sage|sages]] and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter scarf]] who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta]

===[[w:Dark Void|Dark Void]]===
*After two years of this, I thought I was immune to being [[w:Brütal Legend|disappointed by games.]] Whoops, that's my entire opinion on ''Dark Void'' given away in one sentence, isn't it? But stick with me, there's more to this! It's not that I went into ''Dark Void'' thinking it would be good, because I don't go into any games thinking they'll be good. If I have to search through a dumpster for a lost wedding ring, I could try to convince myself that the dumpster will be full of cakes and freshly-picked flowers, but I'll only be fooling myself. ''Dark Void'' is a dumpster that appeared to be full of rusty dog food tins, but once I got in I realized they were actually delicious novelty cakes made to look like rusty dog food tins. But then once I started eating them, I discovered that the icing was made from wallpaper paste and cyanide, and that's why I feel it let me down. I wonder if the [[w:Geneva Convention|Geneva Convention]] covers torturing metaphors? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1433-Dark-Void]

===[[w:Borderlands (video game)|Borderlands]]===
* '''Alright! Fine!''' For fuck's sake! I'll review ''Borderlands'' if it'll make you shut up! Except it won't, will it? We both know nothing can do that short of surgically removing your fucking jaw. And even then you can still drool down my ear.
* I suppose this is geared to the mumorpuger crowd, who are well known for putting up with all the samey grind in the world if it means they get experience points and fancy weapons with blue names at the end of it. I've had a great idea for a game these people would love. It comes with a special USB glove peripheral and you get one experience point for each time you punch yourself in the face!
* And it might be true that it becomes tolerable if you do it with some friends around, but so is dying of bowel cancer. And that way they might even feel obliged to take you sky diving! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1448-Borderlands]

===[[w:Mass Effect 2|Mass Effect 2]]===
* The writing's solid, but then Bioware don't score points for that anymore. Birds fly, fish swim, Michael Attkinson molests dogs, and Bioware games have good writing. But when the characters deliver the dialogue, they always come down with the &quot;Bioware face&quot; -- that uncanny valley-esque look of oddness because the voices and the physical movements are created separately. You can almost see them going over their stage directions in their heads: &quot;Hello, Commander Shepard (wave hand). I heard you might show up today (nod head). How about those freaky aliens, eh (shake fist, grr grr, slightly racist undercurrent)?&quot;
* So ''Mass Effect 2'' is very well-written and epic and immersive and all that, but gameplay-wise, it's still flailing around like a neurotic twenty-something checkout girl trying to find the right combination of hats and dresses. They discarded the ugly yellow sunhat of vehicle sections, and tried on the frumpy brown frock of resource mining and it's still not quite working. For ''Mass Effect 3'' - and I know there will be a ''Mass Effect 3'' because the loading screens rather unsubtly remind you to hang onto your save games - they should try bringing back the planet surface exploration, but let you navigate the terrain with ''jetpacks!'' And populate it with giant wolves that shoot lasers out of their mouths! If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''[[w:EVE Online|EVE Online!]]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1461-Mass-Effect-2]

===[[w:Dante's Inferno (video game)|Dante's Inferno]]===
* [[w: Dante's Inferno| ''The Divine Comedy'']] really does paint God as a little bit, &quot;Two choir boys short of a molestation racket,&quot; if all that Old Testament business didn't already tip you off. &quot;Hey!&quot; says God, &quot;I've made it so it feels really really good to stick certain body parts together and jiggle them around, and hard-wired your brain to want to do it pretty much twenty-four/seven between the ages of thirteen and seventy. But if you actually do it without a special permission slip from the church, then I'm going to light you on fire! And that's just in purgatory. If you also didn't spend every Sunday reminding me what a level-headed and, if I may say so, strikingly handsome fellow I am, then I'm also going to staple your cock shut and feed you to a wolf.&quot;
*You have one set of upgrades for holy experience and one for [[w:Black Sabbath|unholy]]. &quot;Ah ha ha ha ha ''ha''!&quot; you might say. &quot;Moral choice system, hmmm?&quot; &quot;Well, not really,&quot; I would reply. &quot;More a violent option or equally violent but better spirited option.&quot; &quot;And I ''suppose,''&quot; you would continue, &quot;that since holy points are slightly harder to get that holy upgrades would be slightly better, and that it all might be leading toward some alternative ending scenario where too many damnations land you a big, fat, steaming two-bedroom apartment made of poo and sawblades on the [[w:Inferno (Dante)#Ninth Circle (Betrayal)|Ninth Circle]]?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; say I. &quot;I presume that was the original intention, but I guess they used up the ending cinematic budget rendering Dante's hairy bum (spoiler alert) and the upgrade tracks are pretty much equivocal.&quot; &quot;So what's the point of having two separate experience levels?&quot; you ask. &quot;Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,&quot; I say. &quot;Why is that?&quot; you ask. &quot;It beats the ''fuck'' out of me!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno]

===[[w:BioShock 2|BioShock 2]]===
*So the wallpaper paste-squirting bean counters from 2K asked themselves what was a popular aspect of ''[[w:BioShock|BioShock 1]]'' we could focus on in the sequel in order to wring as many pennies as we can out of the property, and someone said &quot;The [[w:Big Daddy (BioShock)|Big Daddies]] of course! I think you should get to play as one.&quot; &quot;What?&quot; said someone else. &quot;Those haunting monstrous things that trudge around as if they can barely support their own weight? Those tragic figures reduced to single-function robots with no trace of humanity left that seem to embody the downfall of the city as a whole? That's a stupid fucking idea, it'd be like a sequel to ''Half-Life'' where you get to play as a gun turret.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1494-BioShock-2]

===[[w: Aliens vs. Predator (2009 video game)|Aliens vs. Predator]]===
* ''Aliens vs. Predator'' is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like ''Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants''. Really, any title would be better than ''Aliens vs. Predator'', or at least easier on the filing system. Try not to confuse this ''Aliens vs. Predator'' with the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the SNES from 1993 nor the arcade ''Alien vs. Predator'' from 1994 nor indeed the ''Alien vs. Predator'' for the Atari Jaguar from the same year, although feel free to confuse it with the ''Aliens vs. Predator'' released for PC and Mac in 1999, because it's the same fucking game! 
*This is ''Aliens vs. Predator'', though, so there are Predators too, who show up now and then to a chorus of &quot;What the ''fuck'' was ''that''?&quot; from nearby human NPCs. And I'm waiting for someone to reply, &quot;It's a fucking [[w:Predator 2|Predator]], you moron; the human race has only encountered them like fifty times. Did no one document anything? Didn't at least one survivor put an entry on his fucking [[w:LiveJournal|LiveJournal]]? Or did we use up all the data storage media recording all these fucking audio logs?&quot;
*As usual, there are three story campaigns, and in spite of the title the Marine campaign is the longest, probably because of racism. It's also by far the weakest, a fairly generic FPS that at first takes the Doom 3 route to creating easy horror by putting you in dark rooms with a flashlight circle the size of a leprechaun's testicle, but after a while it gets bored and flicks the light on for the remainder in a spirited attempt for the generic gold medal. It's not even that scary because, current generation graphics being what they are, the Aliens all have this wet glisten effect that make them easy to spot, like they're adorned with Christmas lights. That's when they even bother to show up.  There's a fine line between [[w: Silent Hill 2| atmospheric pacing]] and just having fuck all happen. Half an hour in, I'd gone to three or four empty control rooms to press magic plot continuation buttons, and was starting to wonder if the Aliens hadn't gone to the wrong address or something. The side quest is to collect audio logs, and they're all the usual suspects: Passive-aggressive man who complains about how the guys running the place are all evil and stupid, hysterical man in a cupboard who gets abruptly cut off by grisly noises, and that one very credulous fellow who starts worshiping the aliens as gods, and who will probably end up deliberately sucking on a face hugger, nature's communion wafer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1516-Aliens-vs-Predator]

===[[w: Heavy Rain|Heavy Rain]]===
*''Heavy Rain'' is the spiritual sequel to ''[[w:Fahrenheit (video game)|Fahrenheit]]'' (aka ''Indigo Prophecy'', aka Baron Von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure) and is presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Now, say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - thank you, I think I will; it was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally halfway through, but say what you like about ''Fahrenheit'' - at least ''stuff happened'' in it! Game starts: BOOM - you stabbed a bloke, you've got thirty seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. Meanwhile, ''Heavy Rain'' starts: You wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while, your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you ''stab your kids with a knife''! (Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen.)
* Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch and the entire fucking apple tree! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1528-Heavy-Rain]

===[[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2|Battlefield Bad Company 2]]===
* With the ''Battlefield'' series being so snipe-happy, gameplay becomes akin to crouching behind a desk trying to read a ''Where's Wally'' book from the house across the street. And every time you raise your head to look at it for longer than two seconds, you're savaged by a flock of vampire bats. And occasionally you fail to notice that the [[w:Battlefield Bad Company| truckasaurus]] has chewed a perfectly square-shaped hole in the wall of your house that has permitted the ingress of a raging panther.
*Perhaps &quot;Realistic Shooter&quot; isn't the right term for games like ''Bad Company 2''. In a truly realistic shooter, you'd get shot once, then laid up for six months before the hospital you're in gets blown up by an [[w: Improvised Explosive Device|IED]] and you're forced to crawl to safety with half a leg missing before getting shot by twitchy border patrolmen. All of which is preceded by about six months of doing push-ups with a load of sweaty people you're not allowed to make love to. A better name for the [[w: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Modern Warfare]] thing would be: ''Deranged Paranoid Power Fantasy For Right-Wing Shut-ins Who Would Blow Their Own Nuts Off The Moment They Were Handed An Actual Firearm And Probably Already Have Done''...shooter. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1546-Battlefield-Bad-Company-2]

===[[w:Final Fantasy XIII|Final Fantasy XIII]]===
* It seems we're already assembling the usual ''Final Fantasy'' character archetype pick 'n mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and of course the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context.  It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something.
*Some people have told me that ''FF13'' gets good about twenty hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for twenty hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display - lots of garish colour and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. I played ''Final Fantasy XIII'' because I am an unbiased critic (''shut up I am!'') and I must give everything a chance to surprise me. After five hours, the only thing that surprised me was how I managed that much without chewing off my own face! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1569-Final-Fantasy-XIII]

===[[April Fools' Day|April Fools]]===
*[[w:Ode On Melancholy|Ay, in the very temple of delight/veiled Melancholy has her sovran shrine,/Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue/can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine:/His soul shall taste the sadness of her might/And be among her cloudy trophies hung.]] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1591-April-Fools]

===[[w:God of War III|God of War III]]===
*I've always liked [[w:Kratos (God of War)|Kratos]], although I suspect he wouldn't like me because I'm alive. In a medium saturated with generic, dark-haired, clear-skinned, hypocritically violent, self-righteous white boys assigned the role of hero by virtue of being the handsomest guy in the plot - [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|usually]] [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|voiced]] [[w:Assassin's Creed 2|by]] [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - it's nice to play an admittedly ugly hate-ridden fuck with no heroic qualities and who crushes people's skulls against jagged rocks as a form of greeting. I'd like to see [[w:Nathan_Drake_(character)|Nathan Drake]] get locked in a room with Kratos, see how far smug wisecracks get him when his head is getting sandwiched between a concrete floor and a foot that kicks so much ass that it permanently smells of farts. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1595-God-of-War-III]

===[[w:Red Steel 2|Red Steel 2]]===
*I've got to admit, this is probably the best motion-control combat I've seen on the Wii. Of course, it still isn't very good. It's like being the best at jerking off to your sister in the shower, you only won because no one else entered and you probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place.
* Now it must be said, Nintendo really don't think much of you. The fact that they actually released [[w: Wii Music|''Wii Music'']] rather than, say, murdered the creator and burned all his writing speaks well enough to that. Not only does ''Red Steel 2'' insist upon making you play a tutorial for every single new move you learn, but it won't be satisfied until you can demonstrate it five or six times! And it shows a little video of a non-threatening attractive young white person doing the motions in case you jammed a sensor bar up your nose and forgot what words mean. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1610-Red-Steel-2]

===[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]===
*'''How To Be a Video Games Journalist, Lesson 37: Using Game Titles for Puns and Cutting Swiftian Jibes.''' A game name like ''Just Cause'' is absolute gold for the reviewer since it can mean both &quot;a just cause&quot;, a righteous agenda, or the phrase &quot;just because&quot;, a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior. The opportunity for puns is obvious. Why would you steal a passenger jet and fly it directly up the bum hole of a sunbathing prostitute? ''Just cause!'' Praise and large quantities of gamer pussy will swiftly follow. However, this pun is so obvious that every game journalist and their cat and their cat's squeaky toy will have used it, so you may have to post-modernly draw attention to that fact at the start of your review so everyone assumes you're using the joke ''ironically''. Remember, the ironic gamer pussy is just as soft and lovely as the regular kind. Next week on '''How To Be a Video Games Journalist''': Digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ball-point pen.
* ''Just Cause 2'' is a game for fucking around. You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up. So the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1632-Just-Cause-2]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]]===
* The unique feature of the game is that it psychologically profiles you as you play, altering itself to fuck with your head better, which I was dubious about. Who you are in a game is a very different person to who you are in real life, a sort of high-functioning autistic you probably wouldn't want to leave your children with. If I go into a ladies lavatory for example, in real life it would be to sniff the seats for some illicit sexual thrill, but in a game it's because I want to make sure someone didn't leave first-aid kits in the cistern.
* At the end of the game, you also get a little analysis of your personality that I'm not convinced is not just a random selection of newspaper horoscopes. After my first playthrough it declared I was, &quot;Fastidiously clean and tidy,&quot; which is true, that when there are three garbage bags in the kitchen waiting to be taken down to the bins, I can't rest until they've been diligently ignored; &quot;Family oriented,&quot; with explains why I live twelve thousand miles away from anyone remotely related to me and never write; and, &quot;Possibly crap in bed.&quot;   ...Moving on. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1651-Silent-Hill-Shattered-Memories]

===[[w: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction|Splinter Cell: Conviction]]===
* Speaking as a foreigner, who the fuck would want to take over the United States? It'd be like trying to keep a giant, diseased ape in your apartment that eats money and suffers from life threatening obesity and constant diarrhea but viciously savages you every time you try to give it free health care.
* Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, &quot;Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. Fuck that, let's go shoot at him!&quot; 
* Here is a brief list of things that these professional soldiers, guards and career mercenaries have never been trained not to do: stand facing each other and jabber about how much they hate democracy and apple pie and the smiles on little babies' faces instead of guarding the fucking room; give away their position every five paces by screaming out personal insults at the [[w:Sam Fisher|professional killer]] they can't see but know for a fact is in the room currently training his sights at their big flapping potty mouths; after catching a glimpse of said professional killer unload every clip they have in the spot where he used to be with their backs to about twelve different entry points; and walk around in circles repeatedly checking for the professional killer in the same square yard of floor space, loudly announcing their discoveries with each revolution. Of course none of this eclipses the stupidity of going up against Sam Fisher in the first place, when he's the one who got most of the solitary brain cell that everyone had to share. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1684-Splinter-Cell-Conviction]

===[[w:Nier (video game)|Nier]]===
* ...I must say, it's gratifying to see that the game is named after the sound I make when asked to describe it. &quot;Neeeeyyaaar&quot; is in actuality the name of the main character, the guy on the box who looks a bit like [[Emmett Brown]] wearing his underpants on his face. I only found this out later though because, before the game tells you his name, it asks you if you can come up with a better one. And thus began the adventures of &quot;Twattycake,&quot; defender of the innocent.
* You know how in some RPGs you start off in your lovely idyllic green-grass home village where smiling neighbors bid you how-do-you-do and which is virtually guaranteed to get Hiroshima-fied before the second act? Well, ''Nier'' is like that but never quite gets as far as the second bit. Frankly I wish it would. Here we have a stalwart fighter who, in between fighting cosmic death beasts from beyond the veil of time and space, has to repeatedly run back home to water his melons, spend quality time with his child and see if anyone needs him to run down the shops to buy them a healing potion and a Mars Bar. It's one of those games that seeks to challenge the notion that gamers need to get a life by attempting to [[w:The Sims 3|simulate]] one. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1703-Nier]

===[[w:Dead to Rights: Retribution|Dead to Rights: Retribution]]===
*In case you never played the [[w:Dead to Rights|first game]], here's a Dead to Rights Recap: BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! WOOF! It's the kind of over-the-top balls-to-the-teeth action that I honestly can't tell if it's being deliberately camp or if it was written by a paranoid NRA member shaking off a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers. You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for ''answers'', and he's letting his ''gun'' do the ''talking'', and his ''gun'' only knows ''one very loud word!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1717-Dead-to-Rights-Retribution]

===[[w:Monster Hunter Tri|Monster Hunter Tri]]===
*Actually, speaking of the title, we should probably drop the word &quot;Monster&quot; as well since you usually just kill blameless wildlife that only attacks because you're invading its territory or you just pushed a sharpened stick down the ear of its favorite child. But I guess calling it &quot;Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of...&quot; Oh fuck it, let's just call it ''&quot;YOU BASTARD!&quot;'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1732-Monster-Hunter-Tri]

===[[w:Alan Wake|Alan Wake]]===
* The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. It's just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. It's like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when he's around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop.
* But I suppose there are lots of horror stories that wouldn't exist at all if people never made bad decisions in them, and ''Alan Wake'' is certainly all about bad decisions; bad combat, bad narration, ''good'' atmosphere. Picture an elegantly decorated house through which soft classical music plays and occasionally an obese man in a Halloween mask charges through it swinging a football rattle and screaming at the top of his voice. He's weirdly fascinating for the first few laps, but then he pulls down your curtains and shits on a doily. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1756-Alan-Wake]

===[[w:Red Dead Redemption|Red Dead Redemption]]===
*You know [[w:Rockstar Games|Rockstar]], you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/48-Grand-Theft-Auto-IV When I said] that all the cars in ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|GTA IV]]'' handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Lost_and_Damned|The Lost and Damned]]'' which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats, and the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple-somersault head injury fairy. &quot;Alright then,&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Here's ''[[w:Grand_Theft_Auto_IV:_The_Ballad_of_Gay_Tony|The Ballad of Gay Tony]],'' where every other mission is helicopter-based.&quot; But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side. &quot;Alright then motherfucker!&quot; said Rockstar. &quot;Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorized vehicles at all! Are you happy now?!&quot; To which I reply, &quot;My horse appears to be lodged in a wall!&quot;
* It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side.  It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle -- or, more appropriately, drunk! And when your character ''is'' drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint, fired into their face with a shotgun. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1776-Red-Dead-Redemption]

===[[w:Alpha Protocol|Alpha Protocol]]===
* ...What's important is that, however you play him, Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour. The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes - a professional by-the-book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blew off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its nether hole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a high-brow film critic archly dismissing the latest [[w:Superman Returns|superhero blockbuster]] as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1801-Alpha-Protocol]

===[[w:Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands|Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands]]===
*Overall, there's just something terribly cynical about ''Forgotten Sands'' that makes me uneasy. It's all so by-the-numbers - when the large bull-like enemy was introduced, I instantly paused the game and announced, &quot;This enemy will charge at me but, if I dodge out of the way at the last second, it will run into a wall and stun itself.&quot; Then I unpaused the game and thus were proven my powers of clarivoyance. It seems like, if you've [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time|completed]] [[w:Prince of Persia: Warrior Within|a]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|trilogy]] and, lest we forget, [[w:Prince of Persia (2008 video game)|rebooted]] the fucking thing, going back to mine the last game you were sure was good just isn't very classy, like stealing leftovers from the bins outside an upmarket restaurant and serving them to your dinner guests. Plus it was brought out to capitalize on a [[w:Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|film]], and films are a load of old cobblers. See, [[w:Roger Ebert|Roger Ebert]], ''[http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2010/04/video_games_can_never_be_art.html that's what it feels like!]'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1815-Prince-of-Persia-The-Forgotten-Sands]

===[[w:E3lectronic Entertainment Expo 2010|E3 2010]]===
*Let me make my position clear - gaming should be about games, not about controllers. Controllers as they stand are a perfectly adequate conduit for connecting man to machine by way of thumbs. It doesn't matter if ''[[w:A Tale of Two Cities|A Tale of Two Cities]]'' is printed on the side of a horse, or if every other word is in Greek, what matters is that Sydney Carton sacrifices himself for Charles Darnay at the end (spoiler alert). Delude yourself all you like with videos of happy families in pastel-coloured shirts spending quality time with bouncy-castle simulators, but in the long term people want to play games the same way they want to read books or watch TV: slouched on the settee with a big bag of Malteasers. How on earth do you think forcing them to do a sit-up every now and again is going to revolutionize entertainment? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1838-E3-2010]

===[[w:No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle|No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle]]===
*''No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle'' has finally gotten past the border patrol of the PAL territories and having played through it I can confidently state that there is absolutely no worry of [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda 51]] getting more mature. At some point between [[w:No More Heroes (video game)|Nomeroes 1]] and Nomeroes 2, someone introduced him to the concept of jiggle physics and thus has begun a friendship to last a lifetime. The fact that all the women in the game wear fetish outfits and are either in love with you or have to be bloodily murdered with your giant throbbing sci-fi memorabilia does feel a little bit backward. I wouldn't usually have a problem, but I thought I'd express disapproval so [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/rebecca-mayes-muses/1829-Love-Song-for-Yahtzee I don't get stabbed by Rebecca Mayes]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1856-No-More-Heroes-2-Desperate-Struggle]

===[[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Super Mario Galaxy 2]]===
* Okay, so Bowser kidnapping the princess is sort of traditional, like hanging drawing and quartering. And when ''Mario Galaxy 1'' did it, I figured, &quot;Well, fair enough, they're introducing the concept to all the new audience of casual gamer shitheads that the Wii suckered in -- each of which I am prepared to personally seal away in some kind of medieval oubliette -- but whatever, we play the cards we're dealt.&quot;  But ''Mario Galaxy 2'' doesn't have that excuse.  It seems reasonable to me that the chief audience for ''Galaxy 2'' is people who played ''Galaxy 1'', but the game seems to assume you didn't, or at least it sincerely hopes you didn't. Mario himself seems confused on the Wii menu: &quot;Super Mario Galaxiiiiiiieeeeeeee!&quot; he shrieks, omitting the incremental digit.
* I guess the fanbase will get the franchise it deserves, but is this really all you want? Yes, there are [[w:Half-Life (video game)|games I like,]] [[w:Silent Hill 2|games I love,]] do I want to play a new installment of the same thing every few years? ''NO!'' The fastest way to spoil your [[w:Cadbury Creme Egg|pleasures]] is to make them routine. [[w: Variety (magazine)|Variety]] is the spice of life and [[w:Piledriver (album)|status quo]] is the starch. The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity, or to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]'' has been running for 21 seasons and hasn't been good since the fifth. I would rather see things evolve, and before any defenders of motion controllers get in touch, evolve in ways that ''aren't stupid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1871-Super-Mario-Galaxy-2]

===[[w:Singularity (video game)|Singularity]]===
* Let's face it: Real history is boring. It's just a load of idiots eating too much of a cow and killing each other over which nostril Christ was breathing out of on the cross. So I can understand the appeal of alternate history fiction. Imagine if the Persians had won [[w: The Battle of Salamis| the Battle of Salamis]], the present day would be almost completely the same! Or if King John had signed the Magna Carta while wearing bunny ears! The possibilities are endless! So why in the name of bollock burgers do we keep coming back to the '''same''' alternate history where the Cold War escalated!?
* ...Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[w: A Day in the Life|Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that -- someone left a note. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around &quot;Big Hank&quot;.
* Stripped of its rather pointless gimmick, ''Singularity'' is a game that can't decide if it wants to be ''Bioshock'', ''Half life'', or ''Timeshift'', and is inferior to all three. ''Bioshock'' is probably the game it was sitting directly behind in the exam room; with audio logs and the RPG elements and E99 instead of ADAM as all-porpouse plot dietary fiber. It's even got those cute 50's public information cartoons that ''Bioshock'' ripped off from [[w: Fallout: a post nuclear role playing game| ''Fallout'']]. It's like a magnificent human centipede stretching though gaming history. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1883-Singularity]

===[[w:Crackdown 2|Crackdown 2]]===
*I've got nothing against multiplayer as a concept, but you shouldn't try to make it [[w:Lost Planet 2|carry a game]] because there are logistical problems. Me and my friends have enough trouble splitting the bill after pizza, and navigating labyrinths of lobbies and servers is rarely worth the effort when everyone would rather just stick ''Guitar Hero'' on. And joining random online gaming is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play Scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1897-Crackdown-2]

===[[w:DeathSpank|DeathSpank]] &amp; [[w:Limbo (video game)|Limbo]]===
*The final question I suppose is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronize [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|the arts]] now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of ''Limbo.'' But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy-brand kind of entertainment, then order out for a barbecue Meat Lover's with a two-liter Coke and try ''DeathSpank.'' Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something [[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|bland and unchallenging]], then why not try ''eating a dick.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1908-DeathSpank-Limbo]

===[[w:Shadow of the Colossus|Shadow of the Colossus]]===
*''Shadow of the Colossus'' is usually filed under &quot;action-adventure&quot; like [[w:Deus Ex|everything]] [[w:killer7|else]] that's hard to classify, but really it defies genre. The gameplay is divided between adventuring alone through the silent wilderness and the sixteen tussles with monsters so large you could hollow out their carcasses and repurpose them as low-income housing. In the former, everything is peaceful and contemplative with no combat and no puzzling besides navigating the occasional mountain that sits obliviously between you and your destination like a fat guy at a cinema. And in the latter, everything is noisy and intense like you're playing Hungry Hungry Hippos backstage at a [[w:Dragonforce|Dragonforce]] gig. It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1924-Shadow-of-the-Colossus]

===[[w:Split/Second|Split/Second: Velocity]]===
*Which brings me to ''Split Second: Velocity'', or rather ''Split '''Stroke''' Second'', 'cause [[w:File:Split_Second_Velocity_EU_Cover.jpg|that's how it's written]]. So what the fuck does that mean, Disney Interactive Studios, Split ''or'' Second? Do we have to pick one? Or does the game alternate being themed around standard units of time measurement and serving suggestions for bananas? Anyway, it's an extreme racing game... you do know the hyphen is the horizontal one right? Look down, it's right next to the zero. I know it's hard to focus when [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] is badgering you for results, but ''honestly!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1939-Split-Second-Velocity]

===[[w:Transformers: War for Cybertron|Transformers: War for Cybertron]]===
* What I don't get is why people are so protective of ''Transformers'' when literally the only reason it existed was not to enrich or inspire you but to sell you gimmicky toys. Hey, fanboys! ''Transformers'' only loved you as long as you had limited control of your parents disposable income. It's like you were all hooked up to milking machines, but instead of complaining you all painted you milking machines different colors and put stickers on them and argued over whose milking machine was best! But I suppose these days the entire entertainment industry  regards most individuals as nothing more than a bit consuming mouth wearing designer jeans full of money so, what the fuck? ''Transformers: War for Cybertron'' gather around and consume away, you big jeans wearing mouth cattle things.
*People will say I didn't like the game because I don't care about ''Transformers'' - well, the point is this was the game's chance to make me care about ''Transformers'' and it cocked it up! [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure|Tie-in]] [[w:Spider-Man 2 (video game)|games]] in the past have been good enough on their own merits to make me interested in the subject matter. All I'm seeing here is a bunch of tumble dryers bumping into each other under overblown disco lighting! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1951-Transformers-War-for-Cybertron]

===[[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days]]===
* ...Reflect on what huge masochists the developers of ''[[w:Kane and Lynch: Dead Men|Kane and Lynch]]'' must be, famously having gotten [[w:Jeff_Gerstmann#Termination_from_GameSpot|Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot]] for not realizing that the Gamespot Super-Sellout Saver advertising package included a free happy ending on the review table. Solidarity therefore was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review ''Kane and Lynch 1'', with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of &quot;couldn't be arsed.&quot; But now ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is out, I sincerely hope the publishers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time because, if they do, there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or to put that another way, ''Kane and Lynch 2'' is worse than deep-fried tampons! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1976-Kane-Lynch-2-Dog-Days]

===[[w:Mafia II|Mafia II]]===
* Why does society insist on demonizing [[w:Goodfellas (film)|organized crime]]? We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a nobbing but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?
* I'm not sure why ''Mafia 2'' and indeed ''Mafia 1'' felt they needed to be open world because they're both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions, and largely the only activity available between missions is schlepping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job, to which I would say, &quot;Piss off!&quot; This is a '''game'''. Games are '''fun'''. I want to knob prostitutes while singing songs from ''Bugsy Malone'', and say &quot;Fugged abahd it&quot; without irony! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1988-Mafia-II]

===[[w:Metroid: Other M|Metroid: Other M]]===
* Of the many expressionless drones robo-Samus excretes from her mouth pipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed. ''[in an expressionless drone:]'' &quot;From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something.&quot;
*Oh, yes, and there's this murder mystery plot set up early on. Six different members of a military squad are introduced and established with names and slightly anemic personalities. But then it transpires that there's a traitor among them, picking them off. You even have a boss fight with him, his face cunningly concealed by camera angles and bits of scenery.  So, do you want to know who the traitor turns out to be? ...So the fuck would I, because the game kind of forgets about this whole subplot and hopes you do, too. &quot;Hey, wasn't there some intrigue from the first half of the game we were supposed to be resolving, Metroid Story Writer A?&quot; &quot;Doesn't ring a bell, Metroid Story Writer B. Now let's make Samus' suit fall off again so everyone can see her bum.&quot; On an educated guess though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2015-Metroid-Other-M]

===[[w:Amnesia: The Dark Descent|Amnesia: The Dark Descent]]===
* You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First there's the kind where you're in dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo!&quot;  That would be your [[w: Doom 3| ''Doom 3'']]. Then there's the kind where the guy in a spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's gonna go &quot;abloogy woogy woo&quot; at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't wanna turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye! That would be your [[w: Silent Hill 2| ''Silent Hill 2'']]. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes, &quot;Abloogy woogy woo,&quot; while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room, before walking slowly over to you, plucking a violin, and then slapping you in the face with a T-bone steak. That would be your [[w: Dead Space| ''Dead Space'']].
* It's quite a while before you even glimpse a monster, and let me just transcribe my thought process at the time:  &quot;Dum-de-dum, well, this isn't very scary.  Oh, look!  Physics.  I can throw chairs around like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit.  Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind?  Yawn-a-rama.  Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play ''[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]'' for a bit.  Nope, nothing much up here, either; I'll just go back and...  Whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway?  I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead.  Oh, it's blocked.  Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?  AAGGH, RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP, ''OH PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2092-Amnesia-The-Dark-Descent]

===[[w:Halo: Reach|Halo: Reach]]===
* ...Everyone in this prequel seems to be fully aware of their ultimately doomed status, too. No one's particularly surprised when the Covenant do show up (with incidentally all human characters immediately being totally familiar with the operation of Covenant weapons and vehicles; you'd almost think they'd just built this game off the engine of [[w:Halo 3|a previous one]] or something), and the story is focused on a small commando unit whose members spend the entire game having a prolonged &quot;Who can have the noblest death?&quot; competition. Oh come on, this isn't a spoiler! They wouldn't characterize this many NPCs if they weren't going to pick them off like After Eight mints. The very first image in the game is [http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/5/54804-184907-reachopeningcutscenepng-620x.jpg a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain], what the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit ''hot?'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2136-Halo-Reach]

===[[w:Dead Rising 2|Dead Rising 2]]===
*What I like about it is that it's a true watercooler game, and I'm not talking about all that [[w:Farmville|Facebook game bollocks]] where you can boast to all your friends because you stuck a radish up an imaginary cow's arse. You get together with your other ''Dead Rising 2''-playing mates and you can discuss for hours what combos you found, boss-fighting tactics, and where to find the chainsaws and mankinis. Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover similar tastes in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2176-Dead-Rising-2]

===[[w:Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions|Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions]]===
* ''Shattered Dimensions'' plays like marketing material for Marvel Comics' range of [[w:Ultimate Spider-Man|alternate]] [[w:Spider-Man 2099|Spider-Man]] [[w: Marvel Noir|continuities]]. You see, every now and again, some writer at Marvel's creativity-fueled dream factory gets bored of repeatedly typing the words, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face,&quot; and transfers the characters to a different setting or time period, so they can instead type, &quot;Spider-Man punches the villain in the face... in space!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2213-Spider-Man-Shattered-Dimensions]

===[[w:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]]===
* Normally I spend the first paragraph of these little tonsil exercise sessions leading into things with some rambling spiel of only borderline [[relevance]], like maybe in this case wondering aloud if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with &quot;The Count from Sesame Street&quot; -- although probably not ''Symphony of The Night'', because you'd have to rename Alucard to, &quot;Teerts emases morf tnuoc eth [sic].&quot;
* Stop me if you've heard this one before: [[w:God of War (series)|beefy bloke with poor coping skills gets a big nark on after something kills his wife and takes it out on mythological creatures, with a weapon on the end of a chain that can do light attacks and heavy attacks.]] But before I can bring down my well-used 'Like God Of War But' stamp like the [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1404-Darksiders terrible] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta hammer] of [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno judgment] that it is, the game dodges my swing and goes &quot;Wait! Here's something original! Every now and again you have to have thrilling boss fights with monsters so big you have to ledge-climb all over their bodies, pausing to hold on when they try to thrash you around like a little murderous nipple tassel, and chip away at their health by picking at glowing weak spots.&quot; &quot;Say,&quot; I reply, &quot;Another word for 'giant monster' is [[w:Shadow of the Colossus|''colossus'']], isn't it?&quot; &quot;I know what you're thinking,&quot; retorts ''Castlevania Lords of Shadow of the Colossus,'' &quot;but we're not like that game at all! That game had sixteen colossi and we've got three! That's a completely different number!&quot; ...&quot;So where do you want this 'Like God of War But' stamp?&quot; I ask after an embarrassed cough. &quot;On my ''face'', please.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2251-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow]

===[[w:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West|Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]]===
*If you said to me, &quot;Sci-fi reimagining of [[w:Greek mythology|another culture's mythology]] mostly concerned with robots,&quot; I would immediately think, [[w:Too Human|''Too Human!'']] and punch you in the bollocks [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/213-Too-Human| for reminding me of it]. But wait! There's a new sheriff in sci-fi reimagined mythology town! ''Enslaved: Odyssey to the West'', a post-apocalyptic action-adventure inspired by the classical Chinese epic called [[w:Journey To The West|Journey To The West]], in which the monkey king is replaced by a sweaty white guy with neck muscles like mating dolphins. Hopefully this will keep us going until someone makes ''Space-Pilot Jesus Christ vs. Mecha-Pontius'', but don't delude yourselves - ''Enslaved'' isn't inspired by ''Journey To The West'', is it? That is something I find considerably difficult to swallow, because the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2409-Enslaved-Odyssey-to-the-West]

===[[w:Fallout: New Vegas|Fallout: New Vegas]]===
* And then I made it! I stepped out into the glittering lights of the city, the towering buildings noisy monoliths to the sheer potential of... why the fuck can't I move? The game froze up! I mean, my life froze up! I mean, all that radioactive toilet water must have given me some kind of paralysing... oh, bollocks to this. Roleplaying in ''[[w:Fallout 3|Fallout 3]]'' is difficult enough with the interface and the terrifying fixed eye-contact conversations without it bugging out as well. And it'll take more than [[w:Fallout:_New_Vegas#Hardcore_mode|having to stop for a sandwich and a piss]] every now and again to make ''Fallout 3'' more immersive. Maybe if you ground it into powder and dissolved it in a swimming pool, but it would probably only turn the water brown. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2435-Fallout-New-Vegas]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II|Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II]]===
* You've got to feel sorry for ''Star Wars'' fans in this day and age - when you're not mocking them or kicking them down flights of stairs, I mean.  They haven't exactly rolled a double-six in the great game of life to begin with, and now the one thing that has made their existence marginally less wretched is crumbling before their very eyes like old pastry in a dishwasher.  Between movies, games, books, and tea towels, the shit of ''Star Wars'' now vastly outweighs the good, which consists of the [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|first]] [[w:Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back|two movies]] and arguably ''[[w:Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Knights of the Old Republic]]''.  Not that they'll ever admit that.  It's quite entertaining to watch the level of denial die-hard Star Wars fans operate on as they try to convince you that the romance in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones|Attack of the Clones]]'' was totally believable.  To say Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had chemistry in that film is like saying that a chair stacked on another chair is a sizzlingly erotic love scene.  So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify ''The Force Unleashed II'', because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' Easy-Bake Oven.
* So: Here are all the ways you can kill people in this game, like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex. You can hit them with the lightsaber if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force-push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, ''then'' throw whatever mess remains at their mates. And you can Jedi mind-trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is incidentally hilarious. And yet, none of the enemies seem the least bit afraid of you. It's like they all went to the wrong briefing by mistake and, somewhere in the universe, a platoon of terrified SWAT officers with riot shields and machine guns are facing off against a single confused ewok. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2452-Star-Wars-The-Force-Unleashed-II]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops|Call of Duty: Black Ops]]===
* Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: &quot;What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!&quot; So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: ''Call of Duty Black Ops'', another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, &quot;''PHWOARR, eh?''&quot;
* And there are many moments when I just want to yell, &quot;Time out!&quot; and demand someone explain what the fuck's going on before another thing explodes.  Because the thing about all the [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|''Call of Duty'' games]] I've played lately is that they all seem to be hooked up to I.V. drips full of Pop Rocks.  ''Black Ops'' just can't calm the fuck down.  If five seconds ever pass without a gunshot or an explosion, then it's probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit.  The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you 'round the back of the head every five seconds:  &quot;GO THERE! KEEP RUNNING! TAKE COVER! NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT! THERE! SHOOT THAT GUY! NOT HIM; HE'S ON YOUR SIDE! CAN'T YOU TELL? HE'S WEARING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HAT! QUICK! PICK UP THAT GRENADE AND THROW IT BACK! I DON'T KNOW, OVER THERE SOMEWHERE! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner, that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!&quot;  You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode, and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2486-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops]

===[[w:Category:iOS_games|iPhone Games]]===
*Completing the iPhone game chart top 3 at time of writing is [[w:Fruit Ninja|''Fruit Ninja'']] by Halfbrick Studios. This is about as simple as games get, there isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing. You're not [[w:Angry Birds|exacting revenge on limbless pigs]] or [[w:Cut the Rope|feeding your pet bitch lizard]]: you're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and '''fuck''' fruit! Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2506-iPhone-Games]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood|Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]]===
*My understanding was that [[w:Assassin's Creed (video game)|''Asscreed'']] [[w:Assassin's Creed II|as a series]] was about exploring various [[w:Crusades|historical]] [[w:Renaissance|settings]] with future Desmond as a framing device. But as much as I like Ezio, my concern after two games is that we're getting bogged down with our spaghetti-scoffing friend. I hate to say it, but maybe it's time for the inevitable game entirely about future Desmond. He's still got the personality of a damp fish (which might explain what his fish-lipped girlfriend sees in him) but the other characters in the Scooby gang are actually quite appealing, especially the snarky sarcastic misanthropic British man. He really rubs me up the right way. ''Can't think why!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2519-Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood]

===[[w:Splatterhouse (2010 video game)|Splatterhouse]]===
* Once you're mentally tuned into the Caligula mindset, the gore swiftly starts to feel repetitive and unsatisfying. One of the posters I saw for this game bore the tagline &quot;He'll rip your head off.&quot; This is at least accurate, but it would be even more so if it were followed by the words &quot;...and that's ''all'' he'll fucking do.&quot; In classic [[w:God of War (series)|Wad of Gore]] fashion, you can grab weakened enemies to do finishing moves, and most of them just involve pulling off the closest thing it has to a head. How about a little creativity my man? That one fellow you killed by shoving your hand up his arse and pulling his rectum out was original, or at least it was before you did it ''fifty fucking times''.
* That's it? Absolutely nothing between Rick and the mask gets resolved. So it might as well have just been playing classic FM into Rick's ear the whole time for all the point the foreshadowing had! It and a momentously disappointing boss fight reek of yet another game rushing things towards the end as the deadline loomed. Seems there's an obvious way to avoid this: Make the intro first, the ending second, then everything in between.  That way, if anything feels rushed or cut down, it'll be one of the bits in the middle no one cares about, while the ending is what people will remember. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2544-Splatterhouse]

===[[w:Epic Mickey|Epic Mickey]]===
* You know, as a child, I used to have a phobia of theme park mascots. Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake (the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes). The point is, I hadn't gotten over this problem by the time I got taken to Disneyland, and the day became a tense and fearful avoidance game at the first sign of oversized cranium - culminating in paroxysms of torment when the parade rolled around. The grins! A sea of grins! Staring. Judging. Winnie the Pooh doing some foul, perverted windmill dance with his exposed forearms. No, Goofy, I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
* There's this one vintage Mickey Mouse comic in which he breaks up with Minnie and spends the rest of the comic attempting suicide. [http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/mm301018.jpg I swear this is true], and it was way edgier than this! [[w:Chip_'n Dale_Rescue_Rangers#Video_games|''Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers'']] was edgier than this! Fucking [[w:Kingdom_Hearts|''Kingdom Hearts'']] was edgier than this, if only because of the usual JRPG pedophilia subtext. Two child abuse jokes and we've barely started; that never bodes well! 
* And why do think every other console controller has two analogue sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class; if you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2575-Epic-Mickey]

=== Holiday 2010 ===
* Since you should know by now that I have the Christmas week off, and you showed up anyway, I guess we're all going to be sitting in silence for the next five minutes while you contemplate how much you appreciate me.  ''(long pause)''  Oh, fine; here's some clips... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2589-Holiday-2010]

===[[w:2010 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2010]]===
* But to the yin must come the yang, to the cream must come the cheese, to the giddy high of new love must come irritable bowel syndrome. The worst game of the year, a game less substantial than a fart in an lift but no less unpleasant for those caught in its wafting cage, a game that killed its franchise so thoroughly that the only acceptable sequel would be a box containing nothing but an apology letter and some chocolates. I refer of course... to [[w:Halo: Reach|''Halo: Reach.'']] BURN! Had you going for a second there, didn't I - actually it's [[w:Fable III|''Fable 3'']]. ''BURNED'' again! No, seriously now - a game I found literally as headache-inducingly unpleasant as impacted wisdom teeth surgery in the middle of a rave.  Step forward, [[w:Kane &amp; Lynch 2: Dog Days|''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days.'']] Step onto your first place podium, and then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2607-Top-5-of-2010]

===[[w:World of Warcraft: Cataclysm|World of Warcraft: Cataclysm]]===
* I asked someone who raids &quot;Why do you raid?&quot; &quot;To get the best items,&quot; they said. &quot;What do you use the best items for?&quot; I asked, to which they could only answer &quot;To raid with!&quot; But it's not about items, is it? You don't honestly care if your new crystal nethersword is going to clash with your elite boss-clogs, it's about the numbers! You want the items with the best ''numbers'' so you can use your ''numbers'' to decrease the enemy ''numbers'' until your ''numbers'' are the best in the land, and all the other guilds flock to regard your ''numbers'' with jealous awe! And before you argue that lots of [[w:Just Cause 2|games]] are about numbers when you get down to it, no one ever ruined their lives to get 100 percent items in ''Super Metroid!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2634-World-of-Warcraft-Cataclysm]

===[[w:Fable III|Fable 3]]===
*I think I've realized what I don't like about [[w:Fable (video game series)|''Fable'':]] it's essentially ''fascist.'' Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing out-of-touch mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it [[w:Dirty Dancing|''Dirty Dancing.'']] [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3]

===[[w:Minecraft|Minecraft]]===
*This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. &quot;See those trees?&quot; it would begin by saying. &quot;Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the [http://www.minecraftwiki.net/wiki/Creeper exploding bush monsters] go away.&quot; It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2652-Fable-3 There but for the grace of God go I,] suicide hedge. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2680-Minecraft]

===[[w:Lost in Shadow|A Shadow's Tale]]===
*One late game mechanic is magic archways that let you temporarily turn back into a physical object, but I'd noticed several of those archways on various levels before you acquire this power. Oh, you're going to make me backtrack aren't you, you little bastard? Sure enough, after however many samey boring levels it took to get to the top of the tower, I then had to go back through some samey boring tedious levels to gather some items to open up ''another'' set of samey boring tedious interminable levels, which I thought would be the end but then some more samey boring tedious interminable prosaic levels started up, and even reading this sentence is becoming samey, boring, tedious, interminable, prosaic and ''when does this fucking game end?!'' There are many ways to analyze a game, but uttering that sentence aloud never shines a positive light. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2714-A-Shadows-Tale]

===[[w:Dead Space 2|Dead Space 2]]===
*Now if I were a paranoid man (which I'm not, whatever people have been saying about me), I'd say ''Dead Space'' has started deliberately trying to provoke me. The very first thing that happens in ''Dead Space 2'' is a bloke turning into a Necromorph, fully illuminated and literally six inches away from your face, then it grabs you by the lapels and screams at you while his eyes pop out. This is the horror equivalent of a small child banging its head on a wall so you pay it attention. &quot;HEY LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU SCARED YET?! WHAT IF ALL THE SKIN ROLLED OFF MY FACE, ARE YOU SCARED NOW?! AAAAAAHHH!! DOING THIS REALLY HURTS ACTUALLY!! AAAAAAHHH!! I CURRENTLY REPRESENT A THREAT IN AN EXTREMELY UNSPECIFIC WAY!! AAAAAAHHH!!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2737-Dead-Space-2]

===[[w:DC Universe Online|DC Universe Online]]===
*Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until [[w:Lex Luthor|only one survives]], whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time (''no they don't say how, put your arm down!'') and brings a warning to two [[w:Superman|rodeo]] [[w:Batman|clowns]] and a [[w:Wonder Woman|prostitute]]. Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2757-DC-Universe-Online]

===[[w:Mindjack|Mindjack]]===
*Cover-based shooting is a little dry and overdone, even if it's perfectly executed, and the only way to perfectly execute ''Mindjack'' would be with a lethal injection. Once you've persuaded little Jimmy Meathead to take cover rather than perform roly-polys in front of the chosen wall, he has a terrible habit of firing into it, and at one point I couldn't see where I was shooting because the ammo counter on the side of the gun was in the way. Can't see the killing for my gun; how philosophical. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2793-MindJack]

===[[w:Two Worlds II|Two Worlds II]]===
*As is [[w:Fallout 3|fairly]] [[w:Two Worlds (game)|typical of]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind|western RPGs]], once you actually start playing, the establishing plot gets swiftly dog-piled under a labyrinth of side quests and intermediary objectives. And within a matter of hours I paused to reflect while escorting an old man into the sewer to make a trade with some underground organization on behalf of a crime lord so he'll eventually tell me about some tower that the orcs seemed really keen for me to visit, and realized that I'd completely forgotten how any of it related to the overarching possessed-princess/dark-lord motivation that I still don't get what was going on there! This is always the part of [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|western RPGs]] I have difficulty with because I always lose the sense of flow. After a few quests and a particularly financially ruinous trip to the armor shop, I find myself floating around a peasant village dressed like a dandy cutlery drawer with no smegma-chugging idea of what to do next! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2819-Two-Worlds-II]

===[[w:Bulletstorm|Bulletstorm]]===
*Thank ''Christ'' for companies like [[w:Epic Games|Epic]], for games like ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'', that popularized fat space marines trundling between chest-high walls like they're in wheelchairs. But in 2004, a company called [[w:People Can Fly|People Can Fly]] shirked modern trends to create ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]],'' a fast, frantic and shamingly fun evocation of the bygone age and [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57-Painkiller one of my favorite shooters of all time]. [[w:World of Warcraft|&quot;Wow!&quot;]] said Epic. &quot;You really showed us how it's done, People Can Fly. Why don't you step over here for a second? Come on, don't be shy, we're not going to hurt you... NOW! DROP THE NET! HIT THEM WITH STICKS! Phew, nipped that one in the bud!&quot; So now that People Can Fly have been [http://www.joystiq.com/2007/08/20/epic-believes-people-can-fly-acquires-majority-stake  roundly whipped into line], they and Epic Games can bring you ''Bulletstorm'', a game about fat space marines. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2863-Bulletstorm]

===[[w:Killzone 3|Killzone 3]]===
* Pardon me for being detestably predicable, but I'm now going to complain about how all the bad guys in ''Killzone'' are British. Because someone should get pissed off about this, and it might as well be me. I stood up for the Russians when I reviewed all those [[w: Singularity (video game)|cold war]] [[w: Battlefield: Bad Company 2 | fantasist]] [[w: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2| wank]] [[w: Call of Duty: Black Ops| games]], and I don't even know any Russians! I'm fine with that thing where the big villain is a posh British guy, because let's face it, cooing at rainbows sounds evil when you do it in a posh British accent. It's only when you make all the evil soldiers cockneys that you enter the prejudice parade. Cockney doesn't sound evil! It sounds honest and cheeky-chips loveable! You couldn't picture Dick Van Dyke hiding in the bushes in a park, popping children's balloons with a blowpipe! You might say I'm making too much of a fuss, but someone on the dev team at some point said to themselves, &quot;We have a race whose every individual member is so morally bankrupt that players will feel perfectly justified in splattering them painfully against the scenery. Now how do we bring that across in a sort of vocal short hand&quot;? And the most bitter pill to swallow is that they look like Nazis. ''We helped defeat the Nazis!'' Maybe we won't next time, America. Maybe after China buys you and puts you all to work in the sweat shops and you crawl to Europe for help, we'll go; &quot;Hmm, well, we would but apparently we're evil, so, hands tied.&quot;
* Anyway, let it never be said that I'm some ignorant ''[[w:Loom (video game)|Loom]]''-smashing Luddite, because I started playing ''Killzone 3'' not only with the [[w:PlayStation Move|PlayStation Move]] controls but also with the 3D option on my new massive 3D TV that I bought with all my ad revenue money (much obliged, Internet!)  The motion controls didn't last ten minutes. After calibrating (''Calibrating,'' fuck! Starting a game these days is like starting up a fucking cruise liner), the aim was wavery and difficult, I didn't know where they'd moved all the buttons to, and my big red glowing controller was reflecting in the screen and giving people hilarious clown noses! So, after getting sniped silly for a while, that went out the window and I took up a nice sensible SIXAXIS which didn't stop the game from throwing in motion-controlled turny switches whenever it could get away with it. The 3D held out a bit longer - yeah, things in the foreground were getting all prominent and shit but everything from the middle distance on looked like a big flat matte backdrop like the game was taking place in a puppet theater. After a while I turned it off and suddenly I was astounded by the detail in a nearby wood texture now that I wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. Things ten feet away stopped popping in all the time and my dog came back to life! So fuck [[w:PlayStation_Eye|modern technology]] right in its cutting edge! ''Ow!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2915-Killzone-3]

===[[w:Kirby's Epic Yarn|Kirby's Epic Yarn]]===
*Obviously the game starts about as challenging as a polystyrene prison, but over time it remembers its heritage and gains a few teeth. A Meta Knight boss fight in particular - and I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2948-Kirbys-Epic-Yarn]

===[[w:Dragon Age II|Dragon Age II]]===
*Before a subtitle can be thought up we need to determine exactly what ''Dragon Age II'' is about. Much like [[w:Dragon Age: Origins|the first one]], it's all about the representative messages, and can't go five minutes without someone being really heavy-handedly racist against mages, elves, dwarves, goldfish et cetera, which is why I find it somewhat ironic that you're only allowed to play as a human this time around. When the first game let you pick from an entire Burger King Kids' Club of races and backstories, here you're always a human with the surname &quot;Hawke,&quot; so to compensate for the lack of choice other characters can actually address you by name. Whoop di fuckin' [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|do]]. And I'd just like to point out that this is quite a long game, so being a male character with the first name [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan]] is going to stop being funny very fast. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/2978-Dragon-Age-II]

===[[w:Pokemon White|Pokemon White]]===
*In an alternative world in which the school system is regarded with ''universal'' contempt, children are encouraged to roam the wildnerness siccing wild animals on every motherfucker who crosses their field of vision. You know in the intro to [[w:Syndicate Wars|''Syndicate Wars'']] where the lad who lives in the dystopian nightmare city has this chip in his head that makes him think he's living in picturesque small town America? I like to think the protagonists of ''Pokemon'' all have the same chips and in reality are exploring various murky basements with a sack full of rats and mangy attack dogs. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3008-Pokemon-White]

===[[w:Yakuza 4|Yakuza 4]]===
* The amount of modern Japanese culture that gets worked in makes me wonder if it's not actually aimed at foreign tourists. The equivalent would be a British game in which you play a Bobby in ol' London town, healing up by eating fish 'n' chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3035-Yakuza-4]

===[[w:Crysis 2|Crysis 2]]===
*An aspect of the plot I actually liked is that Alcatraz is basically a collection of broken bones and ruptured organs held together with spit, and the suit is acting as some combination iron lung and wheelchair and is the only reason he's still upright, and nowhere is this more apparent than when you've run out of suit power in the middle of a pitched battle, and are trying to waddle behind a bit of wall like you've just caced your pants. It's refreshing to see an unstoppable action protagonist who also comes across as vulnerable and tragic. [[w:Nathan Drake (character)|Nathan Drake]] could perch his rectum on the top of a flagpole and wisecrack all the way down to the floor, and he still wouldn't be an ounce as sympathetic as a silent protagonist who has essentially been reduced to a load of beef stew in an thermos flask. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3079-Crysis-2]

===[[w: Nintendo 3DS|Nintendo 3DS]]===
*So with motion controls on the way out - my theory is that if I keep saying that it will become more and more true - Nintendo needed to get started on next week's wage packet. The interesting thing about Nintendo is that they're kind of like [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] in that they don't do middle ground, they're either [[w:Leaving Las Vegas|doing really well]] or [[w:The Wicker Man (2006 film)|shitting a hole straight through the bed.]] When they get bored of making [[w:Super Mario Galaxy|solid ''Mario'' platformers]] and attracting a strong user base, they create [[w:Virtual Boy|consoles that make your eyes explode]] and [[w:Metroid: Other M|license Team Ninja to make ''Metroid'' games]]. 3D may be an utterly pointless gimmick [[w:Killzone 3|that adds about as much to games as putting glittery rainbow stickers on the cover]], but will the 3DS be what changes all that? Well, sort of, in that now the glittery rainbow sticker is in a small wooden box and you have to look at it through a hole. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3112-Nintendo-3DS]

===[[w:Portal 2|Portal 2]]===
*[[w:Portal (video game)|''Portal'']] is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in. It's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/videos/zeropunctuation/2655-Yahtzee-Visits-Valve-a-Travelogue come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people.] In the time since then and the release of ''Portal 2,'' you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for ''Portal 1'': it's got the worst fucking ''fans'' in the world. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinion with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word &quot;cake,&quot; and the good thing in question can never be the same again. This is technically known as the [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|&quot;Knights Who Say Ni&quot;]] Effect.
* Fortunately, I eventually found where all the actual puzzles were hiding; they're in the co-op campaign which I played through with one of my fat friends. With the addition of two extra portals to play around with, the puzzles are bigger and better and satisfying to solve through teamwork. If you need to swiftly make friends with someone, like a future father-in law or armed burglar, then you couldn't find a better ice breaker. I just don't think it has any replay value whatsoever. If you played it again with another fat friend, you'd just get sick of lugging the ball and chain around and they'd resent you for not letting them figure shit out on their own. So, make doubly sure that your armed burglar isn't an avid PC gamer. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3153-Portal-2]

===[[w:Castlevania: Symphony of the Night|Castlevania: Symphony of the Night]]===
* Visually, ''Symphony of the Night'' is [[w:Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band|dense as all shit]], but then it was on the [[w:Sony Playstation|PS1]]. With the advent of CDs for console gaming, games suddenly had lots of disc space to spread their elbows out, and a lot of developers used that [[w:Resident Evil (video game)|to have FMVs up the butt]] or make [[w:Silent Hill (video game)|games in that hideous first-generation 3D]] that looked like origami modeling with used toilet paper. But ''Symphony of the Night'' stuck to 2D and completely tarted itself up, and it's still niceer to look at than the many incarnations of [[w:Quake II|Captain]] [[w:Resistance: Fall of Man|Greybrown]] [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Loadsofbloom]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3188-Castlevania-Symphony-of-the-Night]

===[[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|Mortal Kombat]]===
* I am frankly flabbergasted that a game like ''Mortal Kombat'' can seriously be considered [[relevant]] in this day and age, at a time when [[w:Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds|fighting games]] are thought to have humiliated themselves if they don't show up with their roster filling at least two school buses, ''Mortal Kombat'' should by rights have been kneecapped for showing up with only seven playable fighters, [[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|two of]] [[w:Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat)|which]] being [[w:Daniel Pesina|the same guy]] wearing different coloured jumpers. And while fully-rendered graphics might be a little overkill for a 2D fighter, using photo cutouts of people in costumes has got to be the most ghetto-fucking solution short of cutting out pencil doodles on the sides of milk cartons. And what I understand least of all is why everyone is saying this game is a new release when Wikipedia quite clearly states that it came out in August 1992...oh, do you know what I've done? I've got ''Mortal Kombat'', the 2011 release, confused with [[w:Mortal Kombat (video game)|''Mortal Kombat'', the game from 20 years ago with the same exact name]]! '''''Do you see how confusing this gets?!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3250-Mortal-Kombat]

===[[w:Brink (video game)|Brink]]===
*Incidentally I'd like to invite fans of ''Brink'' to take a shot every time I mention [[w:Team Fortress 2|''Team Fortress 2'']] - hopefully by the end of this video you won't feel so poorly disposed towards me. You know how ''Team Fortress 2'' (take a shot) introduced optional hats and unlockables that did nothing but mess with perfectly good visual design like a bunch of jelly beans sprinkled on a wedding cake? Well, [[w:Bethesda Softworks|Bethesda]] saw this and cried, &quot;Valve will never outdo us when it comes to making bad decisions! Fully customizable outfits for everyone! You won't even be able to fucking ''see'' the wedding cake behind the jelly beans!&quot; You want to know the ironic thing, though? Even with this feature, every character looks exactly the bloody same. That's failing to a new level.  That's like standing on a rake and the end of the rake has a grenade taped to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3286-Brink]

===[[w:L.A. Noire|L.A. Noire]]===
*Mind you, it's not exactly a brain-melter to deduce whether someone's lying or not. This is the inherent problem when you tell your mo-cap actor, &quot;Look like you're [[w:Tony Blair|lying]], and I know you're acting and therefore lying all the time, so this time exaggerate it,&quot; so of course they're going to spin their eyes like fruit machines and shift around like someone's trying to work an ant farm up their bum. The much-touted realistic facial animation is indeed very impressive and you can often clearly recognize the real-world actor who did the mo-cap, such as TV's [[w:Greg_Grunberg|Greg Grunberg]]! But while the faces are very realistic and well-animated, somewhat less attention has been afforded to the bodies, with the usual game problem of weird-looking joints and cardboard clothes. So a rather eerie effect is created, and some characters look like [[w:Gerry Anderson|Gerry Anderson]] finally snapped and started taping the decapitated heads of jobbing TV actors to his [[w:Captain_Scarlet_and_the_Mysterons|Captain Scarlet]] puppets. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3347-L-A-Noire]

===[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings]]===
*Amongst the 700 subcategories of inventory items you can gather like a bum with a shopping trolley are mutagens and weapon upgrades. But if you ask how you're supposed to equip them then you're committing a social faux pas again. Why do I even have an inventory screen if double-clicking on every single item makes the game slap you across the wrist and say &quot;No, we do that from a ''different'' screen! No we ''won't'' tell you which one! And put on a fucking tie! Where were you raised, [[w:World of Warcraft|Azeroth]]?!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3443-The-Witcher-2-Assassins-of-Kings]

===[[w:Hunted: The Demon's Forge|Hunted: The Demon's Forge]]===
*The first boss fight is the most disheartening moment. Through a lengthy network of caves and dungeons (some sections of which were so fucking murky I literally ended up resorting to casting fireball everywhere just so I could see where the fuck I was going), I was buoyed by the ongoing promise of a boss fight with a giant spider that kept appearing over the horizon like the bedroom eyes of a courtesan peering coquettishly over her fan. Although it very clearly only had four legs, so I don't know why everyone kept calling it a spider. For tedious multitudes of chambers the game went &quot;Ooh, it could be in the ''very next room''! I guess you'll only find out if you keep going, won't you?&quot; And then finally the giant spider found a window in its meeting schedule and chased me through a big cave for a bit before I lobbed two bombs at it and dropped a rock on its head. &quot;Exciting!&quot; said I, &quot;Can I fight it now? What do you mean it's dead? What, we're just gonna move on?&quot; I felt like I'd queued for hours to get on a roller coaster that went down one dip and then dropped you off at the gift shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3540-Hunted-The-Demons-Forge]

===[[w:Duke Nukem Forever|Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)]]===
*The interesting thing about ''Forever'' is that you can practically cut it in half and see the entire fourteen years of shooter evolution it's tried to keep up with, like the rings in a tree stump. It starts off campy and colorful in a ''[[w:SiN (video game)|SiN]]''/''[[w:Blood II: The Chosen|Blood II: The Chosen]]'' kind of way, then it moves into the dark, sweaty unpleasant ''[[w:Doom 3|Doom 3]]''/''[[w:Prey (video game)|Prey]]''/''[[w:Quake IV|Quake IV]]'' period when you go into the alien hive (and incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of ''[[w:The Human Centipede|The Human Centipede]]'' into the middle of ''[[w:Mallrats|Mallrats]]''). And by the last mission Duke has finally embraced the [[w:Killzone 3|FPSs]] [[w:Call of Duty 4|of today]], meaning you run around a grey/brown industrial area for a while and then get a shit ending. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3581-Duke-Nukem-Forever-for-real-this-time]

===[[w:inFAMOUS 2|Infamous 2]]===
* Ya' know, it's easy to let obnoxious socialites like ''Duke Nukem: Forever'' prance about grabbing headlines, but do we stop to appreciate all the [[w:inFAMOUS|non-squeaky wheels]] who just work efficiently, without needing development cycles longer than the average natural lifespan of a [[w:St._Bernard_(dog)|Saint Bernard]]? Everyone longs to catch the eye of that ditzy straight line block in ''Tetris'', but no one stops to thank the workaday T-shaped block for it's diligent and efficient service.
*I know ''inFAMOUS'' is kind of stuck with the whole moral choice thing since the game's pretty much named after it, but no fairy godmothers have showed up since the first game to wave her wand and have it start making sense. Look, if you have two equally viable, equally difficult solutions to a problem - say, humanely suffocating your costly vegetative wife with a pillow or digging through to her femoral arteries with a cheese grater - than the ''[[w:It (1990 film)|evil]]'' option (which if you're having trouble keeping up is the ''second'' one) is just irrational! And you can't relate to a character whose actions don't make any fucking sense! Surely the evil option is supposed to be the more convenient but riskier one that would appeal to someone weak-willed. You could spend a lot of time and effort sprucing yourself up and trolling the bars to find someone to romance and settle down with, or you can just fuck a cow and risk angry farmers with paparazzi connections. ''That's'' a moral choice. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3611-Infamous-2]

===[[w:Alice: Madness Returns|Alice: Madness Returns]]===
* When video games have forged the new utopian society ''Bill and Ted''-style, eventually there's going to be a war over whether to sanctify or demonize the bloke who figured out you could make cinematics by zooming in really close on the concept art... Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there! Who remembers American McGee? He was a bloke who worked on ''Doom'' and got a free ride, just like everyone else who worked on ''Doom''. I think the bloke who made the tea for the ''Doom'' team got to make his own game. His name was John Romero-- '''''No!'''''
* Even the trademark creepy imagery seems a bit phoned in and a bit over-reliant on creepy dolls. Yes, a porcelain doll's head with no hair or eyeballs is a creepy thing, but after the five hundred millionth one they kind of get devalued in the global creep economy, falling below sweaty Uncle Dan and the feeling of another person's bum warmth on your toilet seat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3652-Alice-Madness-Returns]

===[[w:Shadows of the Damned|Shadows of the Damned]]===
* ...For a game that seems to have set out with the plan to bring three big names together and wait for the explosion, none of the three amigos brought their A-game. [[w:Akira_Yamaoka|Akira Yamaoka]] randomly smashing at his banjo strings suited the disquieting surreality of ''[[w:Silent Hill 2|Silent Hill]]'', but not so much a quirky action/horror game that seems to be mouthing along to a squealing heavy metal soundtrack that it doesn't have. On the gameplay side, where was the [[w:Shinji Mikami|Shinji Mikami]] who once made [[w:Resident Evil 4|a game where dozing off for one second led to you getting your head chainsawed off by a mad Spaniard?]] And while enough of the disposable income of the alternative crowd glimmered invitingly in the eyes of publishers for the game to be marketed with the tagline, &quot;A [[w:Goichi Suda|Suda51]] Trip,&quot; for all ''Shadows of the Damned's'' demon skull nobstitutions, this is probably the most grounded Suda51's ever been. ''[[w:killer7|Killer7]]'' was a trip; this is more like a bank holiday day out to go watch someone throw horse giblets at a lingerie shop. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3675-Shadows-of-the-Damned]

===[[w:F.E.A.R. 3|FEAR 3]]===
*You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your [[w:Driv3r|clever douchebag sequel name]], it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud, as in ''[[w:Se7en (film)|Sesevenen]]'' and indeed ''Fthreear.'' Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell ''Thief 4'''s logo [http://thief.wikia.com/wiki/THI4F is playing at]. When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an &quot;E&quot; with a &quot;4?&quot; If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times then our daughters will all be shagging [[w:Che Guevara|Communists]] by this time next year. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3724-FEAR-3]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D|The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D]]===
* I remember ''Twilight Princess'' being too easy because it was compensating for the Wiimote being as friendly as an attack dog that's been trained to administer Chinese burns. Then again, I've been trained by all the more recent [[w:Phantom Hourglass|Zelda]] [[w:Spirit Tracks|games]] that have really just been building on ''Ocarina of Time'', so playing ''Ocarina of Time'' now is like a surgeon re-training as a fishmonger. I know that you should look to the side missions to replace that rat scrotum you call a coin purse, but 1998 audiences didn't. Is it fair to say that later Zelda games had better gameplay and characters with actual arcs and more personality than a lungfish in a moist bath towel, when ''Ocarina of Time'' was the template from which all those games arose? Probably not. But if you ask me, Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot. What with N64 technology being [[w:List of Video Game Console Emulators|emulatable only on dried leaves and bits of old twig]], Nintendo were this close to having an entire generation who might never even have known ''Ocarina of Time'' existed, and ''[[w:Skyward Sword|Skyward Sword]]'' might have blown their minds. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3780-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Ocarina-of-Time-3D]

===[[w:Call of Juarez: The Cartel|Call of Juarez: The Cartel]]===
*But the AI don't go after collectibles; they usually just stand there staring at you with gormless uncomprehending eyes.  They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section, if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The AI will pile into the back seat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth.  And as I said, they can't aim for shit.  But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes, &quot;You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know.&quot;  '''THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3801-Call-of-Juarez-The-Cartel]

===[[w:Bastion (video game)|Bastion]] and [[w:From Dust|From Dust]]===
*So enough with these iron-sight examination simulators, I'm going where the worlds are bleak and the heads are large for my third XBLA double bill! And with characteristic convenience, the XBLA has recently chundered up two games that both approach the theme of world-building from vastly different directions. Perhaps this speaks to some larger trend within society today, or a prevailing desire on the part of indie designers to recreate the entire world into one where you can charge more than fifteen bucks for your game design degree course work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3839-Bastion-and-From-Dust]

===[[w:Catherine (video game)|Catherine]]===
*[[w:Final Fantasy VII|Video games]] seem to be a little bit frightened of relationships, in a curious reflection of their predominantly male and sweaty customer base. Oh, there are [[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|plenty]] [[w:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|of]] [[w:Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones|games]] that depict the ''commencement'' of a relationship, generally as a consequence of [[w:Super Mario Bros|Party A rescuing Party B from a giant fire-breathing lizard thing]] or [[w:Bulletstorm|an evil general]] or their own virginity depending on the genre. Very few games are about a relationship that's already going on except when one half of it exists solely to get murdered at one point so that the other half can seek revenge without someone constantly asking them how they think jumping over turtles, shooting mercenaries, or fucking each other all day in the butt is going to bring in enough money to raise a family. Well, now the balance is being restored by ''Catherine,'' a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?
* ...It'd be fair to call ''Catherine'' a story-driven game. And I guess the biggest problem I have with the story is that Vincent is such a fucking tool! Catherine (that's psycho Catherine, not frumpy Katherine) basically bullies him into getting seduced by her; yeah, maybe her running around in a net curtain might have helped, but still. And if the dude could take five seconds to just explain things rather than stammer out more lies while sweating like James Murdoch at a government hearing, then he could probably sort everything out! But no, he just accepts guilt and whines about it incessantly to his mates, every single one of whom would be well within their rights to powerbomb his face into the nearest bollard. I think this is an anime thing, where they like their protagonists angsty and ineffectual and given to wanking off over unconscious women. I watched an anime once; dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst!  I wouldn't mind, but he missed!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3872-Catherine]

===[[w:Red Faction: Armageddon|Red Faction Armageddon]]===
* The title was the first telltale heart murmur. &quot;Armageddon&quot; is one of those words from the subtitle bucket, like &quot;Chronicles&quot; or &quot;Resurrection,&quot; a word you stick on the end of your sequel name to communicate the fact that you have less creativity than a pencil sharpener. ''Red Faction Armageddon'' is the final game of a trilogy that started with ''[[w:Red Faction: Guerrilla|Red Faction Guerrilla]]'' (don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once). You play Darius Mason, the grandson of Alec Mason from ''Guerrilla'', who is engaged in conflict with an evil cult leader who was apparently defeated once before by Darius' dad. And everything indicates to me that Darius' dad's actions were the events of a second intervening game that wasn't actually made. In which case, what frightens me is that someone at [[w:THQ|THQ]] looked at Darius and Darius' dad and decided that ''Darius'' was the more interesting one! Mason Sr. must have been a geography teacher who defeated the cultists by diligently doing his taxes at them! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/3942-Red-Faction-Armageddon]

===[[w:Deus Ex (video game)|Deus Ex]]===
*The year is 2000 the shooter was riding PC gaming like a trusted pony (a pony that you occasionally had to slap or replace with a completely different better pony, but trusted nonetheless). With ''Half Life'' ,''Thief'' and ''System Shock 2'' first person games have been steadily raising the bar, then a company called Ion Storm made ''Daikatana'' and made the bar tunnel right into the ground beyond the wit of spelunker. But then at the same time Ion Storm brought out ''Deus Ex'' which is widely considered the greatest PC game of all time. That may sound like incongruous behavior for a developer but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledging Ion Storm was split into it's good half and it's evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas that made ''Daikatana'' and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables. And the good half was Ion Storm Austin which made ''Deus Ex'' and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of all the good little boys and girls.
*Having deliberately avoided any exposure to ''Human Revolution'' up to the time of writing, I sincerely hope to be dining on these words with tartar sauce by the time this video goes out, but I don't see how these days you can have a game with anything near as much depth and complexity as ''Deus Ex 1!'' And before all you people who liked ''[[w:The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings|The Witcher 2]]'' start pounding your keyboards so hard that it starts snowing Cheeto dust, I meant the kind of complexity ''that I like!'' A plot where people can reference philosophy and [[w:G.K. Chesterton|G.K. Chesterton]] in really, really bad accents! And that has intuitive inventory sorting, and a health system where you can get all your arms and legs blown off and have to slither over to a health station using only your lips! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4093-Deus-Ex]

===[[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|Deus Ex: Human Revolution]]===
*Deus Ex: Human Revolution centralizes the debate surrounding transhuman augmentation. &quot;Would you,&quot; it asks, &quot;supplement your body with machinery?&quot; What do you mean, would I? I already wear spectacles and a wristwatch, and I always carry a phone, which I'm currently in the process of duct-taping to the side of my head. Anyone who talks about technological development being &quot;unnatural&quot; deserves to be abandoned in the wilderness wearing nothing but a fig leaf. But even if I weren't biased, if there's a conflict growing between a group of people with ocean liner pistons for forearms and a group of people who insist that everyone should be forced to be as shit as they are, I know which side I'd rather be on. Hey, I've got a better name for the pro-humanity movement: The Sore Losers' Club!
* I don't know how many more times I have to say this, but I guess at least once: a boss fight is not just a random enemy who's eaten three times as many protein bars as everybody else! A boss fight is supposed to be a final exam for everything we've learned up to that point! Ideally, ''Human Revolution'' would have given the option of gunning the boss down, also maybe hacking some turrets to fight for you, or sneaking away up into the rafters to drop pianos on their head - but no, all you can do is shoot them. And considering I was going for the non-lethal pussy run, my tranq rifle and stun gun were a fat lot of good against a bloke who appeared to be occupying the same space as a combine harvester armed with a gun that shoots exploding furniture that kills you in two hits, so I basically had to quicksave every time I successfully made it to the other side of the room before my internal organs did! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4137-Deus-Ex-Human-Revolution]

===[[w: Driver: San Francisco|Driver: San Francisco]]===
* Switching instantly to any car anywhere is the main gameplay gimmick that's woven nicely into the storyline. John Tanner, cut as he is from the generic white bread wise-cracky douche hero template, starts getting pretty likable when he has the [[w:Groundhog Day (film)|''Groundhog Day'']] revelation that he can now live life without consequence, immediately possessing a driving student and speeding through the oncoming lane just to make the dick instructor mess his corduroys. Serve and Protect, ladies and gentlemen! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4181-Driver-San-Francisco]

===[[w:Dead Island|Dead Island]]===
* One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It'll be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an [[w:Dead Rising 2|avalanche]] [[w:House of the Dead: Overkill|of]] [[w:28 Days Later|zombie]] [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|games,]] [[w:Zombieland|movies,]] and [[w:Pride and Prejudice and Zombies|reinterpretations of classic literature.]] I'll call it, &quot;ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING ZOMBIES ALREADY!&quot; Honestly, at this point, you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets [[w:Ben_&quot;Yahtzee&quot;_Croshaw#Jam|covered in carnivorous jam]], you'll have to make papier-mache zombie facsimiles just to get through the day! Except, let's face it, however you might imagine zombie apocalypses giving you a new lease on life, we all know most of you would start talking suicide pacts if the Internet went down for more than a week. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4694-Dead-Island]

===[[w:Resistance 3|Resistance 3]]===
*So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics and regenerating health. Wait, what are these [[w:Mountain Dew|glowing green things]] lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, ''Resistance 3'' does not have regenerating health! Holy bum-nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at once... I ''can'' carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a freeze ray and a lightning rod and a thing I like to call [[w:The Jimi Hendrix Experience|&quot;The Jimi Hendrix Experience&quot;]] because it [[w:Jimi_Hendrix#Death|makes people puke themselves to death.]] They're quite fun to use, and there are no cover mechanics because the game assumes you can strategically use a wall without having to rub yourself on it and give it kisses. Erm... [[w:Sony|Sony]], are you all right? I'm not complaining or anything but I'm kind of feeling how the Greeks might have felt if the Trojans had just surrendered before the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] was finished. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4728-Resistance-3]

===[[w:Gears of War 3|Gears of War 3]]===
*Now, before any of you ''[[w:Gears of War|Gears of War]]'' fans rush off to humiliate yourselves in the comments section by posting something along the lines of, &quot;What did you expect, ''Gears of War'' is about chainsaw bayonet vasectomies, plot and character is for girls and people with sensibly proportioned necks,&quot; I'd like to preemptively tell you to ''fuck off,'' and here's why. If I had said that ''Gears of War 3'''s plot was a spellbinding emotional roller coaster from start to finish, none of you motherfucking fanboys would be saying the plot doesn't matter. You'd trumpet that from the fucking rooftops until someone asked you to leave. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4763-Gears-of-War-3]

===[[w:Hard Reset|Hard Reset]]===
* It's true the game does the ''[[w:Painkiller (video game)|Painkiller]]'' thing, making multitudes of monsters to mob you mercilessly, but as with the environments they forgot the whole variety thing, and you only ever seem to fight two kinds of aggressive [[w:Roomba|Roomba]] and a few palette-swapped wheelie bins. There's really no way of saying this without giving ammunition to conservative anti-game campaigners, but there isn't as much fun to be had in shooting robots as there is in shooting organic lifeforms. When I fire a rocket into a cluster of charging monsters, I like to know that the cleanup will have to be done with a mop rather than a broom! It's hard to explain, but surely we can all agree that the lawnmower scene from ''[[w:Braindead (film)|Braindead]]'' just wouldn't have been as memorable if it had been taking place in the audio/visual department of [[w:Harvey Norman|Harvey Norman's]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4784-Hard-Reset]

===[[w:Rage (video game)|Rage]]===
*Call me a cynic (please, it's my only sense of identity), but when some resistance movement shows up demanding I dress up in a sheep costume and jump through some hoops making suggestive baa-ing noises before they'll let me fight the evil government who I have yet to actually fucking see, there's only one organization I feel I'm being oppressed by here! Especially when they all seem content to sit around in the base eating pancakes while I'm sent off alone to slaughter saucepan-wearing bandits du jour. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4824-Rage]

===[[w:Kinect|Kinect]]===
* First of all, I tried out ''[[w:Child of Eden|Child of Eden]]'', the polygon murder spree from the creators of polygon-murder-spree ''[[w:Rez|Rez]]'', essentially a rail shooter about the internet being under attack by an amassed army of forgotten screen savers.  Certainly a spectacular display, but even a cosmic dance with a hundred large-breasted space fish loses something when you have to replay it for the third time because you weren't clear on what you were supposed to be doing.  Yeah, I know, game, &quot;''Use'' my left hand to shoot down the purple projectiles before they hit me.&quot;  Now in what specific way did you envision me ''using'' my left hand, 'cause that could mean anything from waving it to sticking a bowling pin up a gorilla's ass.  Eventually I figured out that &quot;use&quot; meant, &quot;Do the same thing you do with the right hand to use your normal weapon, but keep your right hand pinned to your side because I might think you're trying to strangle me and go in to a panic.&quot;  And even then, the usual delay motion sensors have before registering your action led to several frustrating game-overs.  And every now and again, the game would pause itself right as it was getting excited, because it assumes that any ambiguity of motion on your part means that you have suddenly been abducted by space monsters.  But doing panicky improvised t'ai chi to amuse graph paper is not gaming.  It's more like therapy for geometry-phobics.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4863-Kinect]

:'''Male voice''' Only on Kinect for Xbox 360 2010-2013.

===[[w:Batman: Arkham City|Batman: Arkham City]]===
*''Arkham City'' isn't getting out of here without a recommendation, but it's worth remembering that when you go straight sandbox you lose control of a certain amount of structure. A word of warning: if you're like me - handsome, talented and secretly longing for death - you'll want to finish the main story first and do the side missions in post-ending fuckabouts, because you need all the gadgets to find all the secrets. And then like me, you'll end up flapping back and forth like a confused magpie at the aluminum foil tennis championships trying to trigger the side missions that your quest log says you haven't found yet. And like me, you'll eventually look it up and discover that some but not all of the side missions get locked off if you don't finish them by the story end. And then like me, you'll probably make a noise that's somewhere between a sigh and a gnash, and then like me you'll say &quot;How does that make any donkey-boffing sense?!&quot; And like me you'll maybe jump up and down a few times, and like me you should probably stop padding this video out. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4915-Batman-Arkham-City]

===[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]===
*''Battlefield 3'' was built on the [[w:Frostbite_(game_engine)|Frostbite 2]] engine - I know this for a fact because it can't go five minutes without banging on about it. This is a game that isn't trying to sell an engaging experience or even the military lifestyle, it's trying to sell destruction physics and the lighting engine. This becomes clear around the second time a building collapses with the camera angled in such a way as if to say &quot;You may now appreciate this. A minimum level of appreciation is required to continue.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4948-Battlefield-3]

===[[w:Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception|Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception]]===
* The game opens in London, with Drake walking off cobbled streets into an English pub with a ''motherfucking red phone box'' out the front where every single member of the clientèle looks like Grant Mitchell from [[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]. Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. 
* In one of the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the developers flat-out admit that they think up the spectacular set pieces first and then come up with the plot around them. And by ''Christ'' does it show, because [[w:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves|these games]] are getting as formulaic as a Scooby-Doo episode. Who wants to bet the lost treasure at the end will turn out to have been deliberately lost because there's some negative effect surrounding it that the bad guys want to weaponize? And that Drake will pull off the main villain's face and it'll turn out to be old man Withers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/4972-Uncharted-3-Drakes-Deception]

===[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]]===
*''Modern Warfare 3'' starts off with the advantage for being a continuation of the ongoing ''Modern Warfare'' plot and then it fumbles the advantage and serves directly into the umpire's flask of tea. Once again the action switches back and forth between the US military fighting off the sinister Russians and Captain Price et al in pursuit of some bastard who was apparently responsible. I love how that always works, don't you? Remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and now there's no terrorism anywhere in the world ever? Occasionally you also play as other characters who always have the life expectency of a rat in a homeless man's mouth, but more on that later. For me, ''Modern Warfare 3'''s plot makes its signature turn right around the bend when Russia invades Europe. As in, all of it. Simultaneously. Now I've never invaded Europe except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately! 
*The driving plot point of ''Modern Warfare 3'' is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, ''who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?!'' Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President - you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5006-Call-of-Duty-Modern-Warfare-3]

===[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim]]===
* Nitpicking is unhelpful, however, and I'm in the kind of mood that I'm prepared to overlook a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim'', which is good, because there are a lot of flaws in ''Skyrim''.  But I'll applaud it if it means we can have less games that treat me like a child stuck in a pipe, Games Industry. I will applaud it as hard as you like.  I will slap at my palms until my future children suffer masturbation guilt.  ''No I don't know what I'm on about; go away.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5020-The-Elder-Scrolls-V-Skyrim]

===[[w:Saints Row: The Third|Saints Row: The Third]]===
* Now, the first ''[[w:Saints Row|Saints Row]]'' game was comparatively straight. It wasn't exactly ''Homicide: Life on the Street,'' but you weren't going to climb aboard any rocket-powered jet-bikes either. ''[[w:Saints Row 2|Saints Row 2]]'' leaned wackier, with a slightly unhealthy fascination with spraying poo at things other people would rather you didn't spray poo at, but was still somewhat grounded in reality at least. ''Saints Row: The Third'' drinks wackazade from a clown shoe. This is a trilogy progression we academics call, &quot;[[w:The Evil Dead (1981 film)|Evil]] [[w:Evil Dead II|Dead]] [[w:Army of Darkness|Syndrome]],&quot; and I'm not sure I like it. The funny parts of ''Saints Row 2'' shone all the brighter alongside its more po-faced aspects - it's when you're wearing full lucha libre gear, thwacking at zombies with a big floppy dildo as part of the everyday routine that it starts to feel less special. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5056-Saints-Row-The-Third]

===[[w:Assassin's Creed: Revelations|Assassin's Creed: Revelations]]===
*The cynic is an isolationist beast but can always recognize [[w:Ubisoft|one of their own]], and the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is getting very cynical. I like [[w:Assassins Creed II|the games]] but I feel my like is being exploited for coin, and at the risk of devaluing one of my favorite words, it's now faffing about like it's never faffed before and the faffing is getting out of hand. All of this bullshit - the [[w:Championship Manager|Championship Manager]] human resources management games, the [[w:Plants vs. Zombies|Templants vs. Zomsassins]] - all of this is just more and more layers of flaky pastry between me and the succulent meat of the ''Assassin's Creed'' Cornish pasty: one bloke in a bedsheet hopping about on the rooftops, carefully planning a stealthy guerrilla assault, to surgically strike like a thumbtack in a McChicken sandwich! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5114-Assassins-Creed-Revelations]

===[[w:The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword|The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword]]===
* Speaking of ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|Wind Waker]]'', spiritually ''Skyward Sword'' feels quite reminiscent of it, except you're exploring an ocean of clouds rather than the more traditional ocean of water.  But if the surface world is supposed to be so completely covered in clouds that you and your ivory tower friends aren't even sure it exists, then why when you're exploring the surface world is it always a bright sunny day?  '''I found a plot hole!'''  '''''Nurse!''''' 
* So obviously Zelda ends up in an embuggerance, and Link has to pick up a magic sword and sort her out. This time the magic sword comes free with a standard-issue support character, who deserves special mention because, besides a twitchy enraged badger that points out important quest items by breaking wind at them, I ''cannot imagine'' a worse assistant. Her big thing is spurious rigour; she can't just say, &quot;Go in the room and stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot,&quot; it's always, &quot;There is a 70 percent chance that you must stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot.&quot; She sounds like a fucking laundry detergent commercial!
* First you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the Master Sword, then you &quot;prove your worth&quot; for the three Sacred Flames, and then &quot;prove your worth&quot; a few more times for the Song of the Hero. If I were Link, I'd throw the sword down and yell: &quot;Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?! I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5148-The-Legend-of-Zelda-Skyward-Sword]

===[[w:Serious Sam 3: BFE|Serious Sam 3: BFE]]===
* For the uninitiated, Sam Stone is a nineties action-hero graduate from the Duke Nukem correspondence course with some kind of unclear role in the military, and who started showing up to work one day in a customized t-shirt and jeans.  And no one wanted to complain in case he blew cigar smoke in their face, or shagged their mums.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5184-Serious-Sam-3-BFE]

===[[w:2011 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2011]]===
*Interestingly enough, the crown of greasy brambles and throne of compacted garbage to be awarded to the worst game of 2011 are in this case two crowns and perhaps some kind of chaise lounge affair, because I can't decide which creepy, masturbatory, lead you by the nose, flimsily justified violence upon vastly inferior enemies, open-quotes &quot;realistic&quot; shooter with a 3 on the end I despise the most: ''[[w:Battlefield 3|Battlefield 3]]'' or ''[[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|Modern Warfare 3]]''. I don't hate them because they're poorly made or fail in what they set out to do, I hate them [[w:Battlefield_3#Sales_and_revenue|for what]] [[Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_3#Sales_and_revenue|they represent]]. ''Modern Borefare'' and ''Twattlefield'' not only show that people should stop making [[w:Operation_Flashpoint:_Red_River|realistic shooters]], but also make a convincing case that people should stop existing generally and perhaps we should save time, form a big circle and on an agreed signal all cap the person to the right. Oh, Happy New Year by the way. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5207-Top-5-of-2011]

=== [[w:Super_Mario_3D_Land|Super Mario 3D Land]] ===
* So the new feature is cat suits, meaning suits made to look like cats, not Luigi running around in a skin-tight...  Sorry, lost my train of thought.  There is something a little bit suss about it, though.  Maybe it's the way characters in cat mode stick their bums in the air as they walk in a way for which only the word &quot;presenting&quot; feels adequate; or the &quot;meow&quot; they make at the end of the level that makes me uncomfortable.  But maybe that's just 'cause I'm old and jaded enough to realize that someone somewhere must be getting off to this.  And I have a horrible feeling it may be Mario himself.  I've been burned before by allowing hairy middle-aged men to indulge in what they called harmless fun.
* Find me ''one'' case in which random user comments enrich an online experience.  Scroll down now and read the first five comments under this video!  You should start feeling a cold metallic sensation because you're now holding a gun to your head! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5239-Super-Mario-3D-Land-Rayman-Origins]

===[[w:Sonic Generations|Sonic Generations]]===
* ...It turned out ''Generations'' only updates one classic level per game. Green Hill Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(1991_video_game)|Sonic 1]]'', Chemical Plant Zone from ''[[w:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_2_(16-bit)|Sonic 2]]'', et cetera, and this led inexorably to a brain-scouring moment when I was faced with a level based on part of [[w:/Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(2006_video_game)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' 2006]]! I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something  good. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about ''Sonic'' 2006. Nobody '''liked''' ''Sonic'' 2006. If you think you did, you're '''wrong.''' It's like saying you enjoyed listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce. I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just '''wrong'''. And yet here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it, &quot;misplaced conceit,&quot; but I'm not so I'll call it, &quot;frothing bug-eyed self-delusion.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5284-Sonic-Generations]

===[[w:Star Wars: The Old Republic|Star Wars: The Old Republic]]===

* Every time I play a MMORPG I have a moment of self-realization at some point when I say, &quot;What the ''fuck'' am I doing?&quot; and go back to being a productive member of society. In some games it comes earlier than others, but to ''Old Republic's'' credit, it did take a while. It was right after my character got the Schmillenium Schmalcon back, and the game universe opened up. My heart leaped when the space battles were introduced, but they're basically just pseudo rail shooters, in the Nova Storm or Microcosm style, and aren't much more than a gimmick. What really made me lose interest was that, in emphasizing the story, the game unwittingly sealed its downfall, because once my smuggler had reclaimed the Thousand-Year Albatross, he suddenly didn't have a story anymore. Some hideously contrived development about a pirate treasure was yanked from a butt-hole lubricated with desperate sweat, but all I could think was, &quot;Why the hell would I want a treasure?! I've got 25 grand in the bank gathering dust because the stores don't sell anything worth shit, and I peel all my equipment off dead tosspots! At least provide a beautiful princess for me to put my cocksure leg over. I spent a lot of cold lonely nights in the captain's bunk with my right hand and some racy holograms, thinking, 'So this is why they called him Han ''Solo'''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5323-Star-Wars-The-Old-Republic]

===[[w:Amy (video game)|Amy]]===
* Using the word, &quot;Escort,&quot; to describe core gameplay is like using the words, &quot;Bloody and viscous,&quot; to describe a urine sample, but Amy pulls her weight by having the power to heal you, create cones of silence, and telekinetically blast things aside.  Obviously.  I'd have been rather put out if she didn't.  In horror circles, small mute autistic girls are second in power only to Jason Voorhees listening to people fucking.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5346-Amy]

===[[w:Resident Evil: Revelations|Resident Evil: Revelations]]===
* I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best.  Sometimes my character nimbly sidestep a blow, and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual which said to, &quot;''Use the analog stick as you're about to be hit.''&quot; &quot;Use it,&quot; eh?  Thanks.  Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? &quot;'''Step 1:''' Use your hands. '''Step 2:''' Also maybe some pliers.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5373-Resident-Evil-Revelations]

=== [[w:The_Darkness_II|The Darkness II]] ===
* Ah, doesn't this take ya back!  Around mid-2007, I was living in a drainpipe, licking the backs of Cornetto lids for sustenance, and one night I'd scraped together enough pennies to afford to spend the night at the YMCA.  After agreeing to be viciously buggered in return for being allowed a go on the communal PS3, I played a demo for a game called ''The Darkness'' with a silly opening sequence and a slightly obtuse puzzle that I couldn't get past.  So after Big Steve chased me off so he could play the new ''Ratchet and Clank'', I scrounged up some yellow craft paper, made some figurines from stolen Burger King napkins, and produced a short Internet video explaining how I'm really clever and therefore the game must be dumb.  Who would have thought that that event would lead me to where I am today?  Now I have Cornetto lids beyond the dreams of avarice, and I'm the one paying to viciously bugger Big Steve.  And I'm now professional enough to play a game for more than ten minutes before I attempt to sabotage its developer's retirement plans -- unless it's ''Final Fantasy''.  Or ''Monster Hunter''.  Or I'm bored, or in a bad mood, or it's Thursday.
* In never leaving Jackie's perspective, the single-player campaign feels like a very personal journey, and there are even moments when the Darkness induces hallucinations to make him question reality.  And the co-op undermines that, too.  &quot;Oh, I guess this is reality after all, 'cause there's a voodoo priest and a samurai summoning black holes and...  Actually, let's double-check that.&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5394-Darkness-2]

===[[w:Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning|Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning]]===
* I've called ''Kingdoms of Amalur'' a lot of things - &quot;Single-Player ''World of Warcraft,''&quot; &quot;''Fable'' With a Shriveled Willy&quot; - but I think I've found the soundest comparison: it's &quot;Baby's First ''Skyrim''!&quot; Pretty much the same gameplay features with substantially less complexity and with boring, claustrophobic environments, or at least ''that's what I thought.'' When I took a moment to stop and take a good look around me, I realized that the environments were actually quite expansive, epic, and artfully designed.  It just didn't ''feel'' that way because the camera is angled slightly ''downward'', so at any given moment of gameplay 60 to 70 percent of the screen was taken up by the floor texture. If I'd been in charge of designing ceilings in this game, I'd be out for fucking blood right about now. Just goes to show how the smalles tweak of a core feature can have ruinous consequences, like prodding a tiger's bollock. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5416-Kingdoms-of-Amalur-Reckoning]

===[[w:NeverDead|NeverDead]]===
* The best constructive criticism I could offer would be to travel back in time to the first gameplay planning meeting with a large Hessian bag and some day-laborers with cricket bats.  &quot;Hey!&quot; said one developer looking up from his Lego set, &quot;If our character's immortal, then there's not going to be much challenge, is there?  Why don't we put in another character he has to escort...&quot;  And that's as far as he gets before disappearing into the Hessian bag, and his pig-like squeals are drowned out by the grunts and thwacks of the day-laborers at work.  &quot;And,&quot; says another developer sticking whiteboard markers up his nose, &quot;Let's constantly put some monsters around that can instantly game-over you if they suck in your disembodied head, but you can avoid it by completing a quicktime even...&quot; ''&quot;Get in the fucking sack!&quot;'' &quot;You know what I hate?&quot; interjects a third developer emerging from underneath his pillow fort, &quot;Using nice convenient button presses for sword attacks when we could be rattling the right analog stick back and forth and up and down like a clumsy teenage boy's first time at third base.&quot; &quot;Thank you for sharing,&quot; I would say.  &quot;You know what I hate?  ''You not being in this fuckin' sack right now!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5443-NeverDead]

===[[w:Syndicate_(2012_video_game)|Syndicate]]===
*Mostly though, the agenda I sympathize with the least is the [[w:Electronic Arts|publishers.]] What is the point of slapping a [[w:Syndicate (video game)|90s tactical shooter]]'s name recognition on a generic modern shooter if most people who like [[w:Bulletstorm|generic modern shooters]] won't remember the name, and the people who do remember the name will want to set your office on fire? You won't endear yourself offering to rape my mum for fifty bucks! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5478-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Mass_Effect_3|Mass Effect 3]] ===
* A word, then, on the subject of trilogies:  ''&quot;Bollocks!&quot;''  That was it.
* The arrangement this time around is that there's a big fat bar graph representing what percentage of your arse will get kicked if you launch the invasion, and it goes up as you complete missions and gather troops and massive quantities of sandwiches to feed them with.  It's sort of like the latter half of ''Fable 3'', but not so much designed by a yogurt (no offense, [[w:Peter_Molyneux|Peter]]).  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5497-Mass-Effect-3]

=== [[w:Twisted_Metal_(2012_video_game)|Twisted Metal]] ===
* And then there's my prowess with driving video games, in that taking my foot off the accelerator as I go around sharp mountainside bends is advice my brain just can't seem to absorb properly.  And there's something about being in a sturdy, powerful machine and being forced to wait for pedestrians crossing the road in front of you pushing some stupid pram that makes me want to physically inform them of their place in the grand scheme of things, as I explained to the judge.  Most of that came from playing ''[[w:Carmageddon|Carmageddon]]'' back in the ironically bad pun period in the nineties (see also: ''[[w:Wargasm|Wargasm]]'').  I never got around to playing any of the ''Twisted Metal'' titles, but that's all right because the new one is just called ''Twisted Metal'' which obviously means it's exactly the same as the original, doesn't it, ''OH, FUCK YOU!''
* Fortunately, there is an optional training mode, and I would highly recommend going through it, because it was only there that I found out about the jump command, which would have been handy in the previous mission when my progress was being stymied by a chest-high wall on loan from the shooter next door... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5531-Twisted-Metal]
* I find the single-player elements upsetting in many ways. I'm sure I needn't remind viewers that I'd rather hug the venomous quills of a tarantuhedgehog than a human child, but it's a shame when a game essentially about watching things explode at high speed with gurgling childish mirth tries to make itself all dark and edgy as well, like a Ferris wheel with the face of Stanley Kubrick painted on the side. Just seems like unnecessarily limiting the audience. I'm picturing Mrs. Stephens leaving her rosy-cheeked boys in the care of the latest electronic babysitter only to freeze mid cookie-baking at the sound of an f-word drifting through from the lounge, whereupon she storms in and wrenches the controllers away from her children so hard their little arms snap off at the elbow. Huh. Actually, on second thoughts, I'm down with that. Carry on, Twisted Metal.

===[[w:Yakuza: Dead Souls|Yakuza: Dead Souls]]===
* To stop beating about the bicycle, the shooting controls are a load of piss.  If you go into aim mode -- that's the ''second'' aim mode; for some reason there are ''two'' aim modes, one slightly less aim-y than the other, so why the fuck would you bother? -- then the camera angle switches to where your character is facing, rather than the character turning to face the camera angle, like how the regular boring well-designed shooters work; and I wish I had a sewing needle for every time I got teeth marks in my mauve blazer while intimidating a wall two feet to the right of the guy I was trying to aim at, because I'm going to shove them all under my fingernails.  Also, when you're not aiming, you use the right analog stick to look around.  But that's what it's good at; it's like a faithful hound trained to fetch the grouse and nothing else.  That's why in most shooters, when you go into aiming mode, you continue using the right analog stick to adjust your aim, because you're still looking at things, but now in an edgy, masculine kind of way.  Yakuza is of an innovative mindset, however, so adjusting your aim in aiming mode is done with the left analog stick.  ''Why the scrambled eggs on fucktoast would anyone do that?''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5558-Yakuza-Dead-Souls]

===[[w:Ninja Gaiden 3| Ninja Gaiden 3]]===
* It's like the series feels like it's lost so much identity from cutting out the leather-clad titty monsters that it's grabbing [[w:Twilight (book)|scrips]] [[w:Resident Evil (game)|and]] [[w:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3|scraps]] from anything that it thinks people seem to like these days, trying to find a new niche before it throws up its hands, gives up, explodes all over the bedspread, and you spend the last few moments fighting a giant city-destroying naked woman clutching a broadsword. Well, good try, [[w:Team Ninja|Team Ninja]], you almost held out! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5576-Ninja-Gaiden-3]

===[[w:Silent Hill: Downpour| Silent Hill: Downpour]]===
*So it's got the right survival horror combat and the right survival horror exploration, all ''Silent Hill: Downpour'' needs now to earn a great big fat tick at the bottom of the page is to be scary! ... Oh. This always ends up being the sticking point, doesn't it. Fear being a purely emotional response, it's difficult to say precisely why something [[w:Condemned: Criminal Origins|is]] or [[w:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories|isn't]] scary, but as I said earlier the essence of it lies in subtlety. And because I know that word disappeared from the vocabularies of [[w:Cliff Bleszinski|triple-A game developers]] some time ago, no it is not the name of a small village in Derbyshire. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5595-Silent-Hill-Downpour]

===[[w:Kid Icarus: Uprising| Kid Icarus: Uprising]]===
* In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things – I'm the guy who went 50 miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house – but I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it, rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor. Okay then, now that's covered, here's ''Kid Icarus'', a shit game for twats. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5634-Kid-Icarus-Uprising]

=== [[w:Fez_(video_game)|Fez]] and [[w:I_Am_Alive|I Am Alive]] ===
* As you may have inferred from my pain-wracked sobs throughout last week's video, I was at the time suffering from rather severe tonsilitis.  So everything that passed me lips magically transmuted into an entire Mongol infantry unit the moment I tried swallowing it.  Basically what I'm saying is, the back of my mouth looked like a bunch of incontinent seagulls had exploded in a cave.  Basically what I'm saying is, it looked like a shoggoth had gotten cold feet while trying to use my epiglottis as a diving board.  Basically what I'm saying is, you could have cut my tonsils out and hid them in a basket of fancy cheeses and no one would have been the wiser.  Basically what I'm saying is, ''more painkillers!  Yum-yum!''
* ''Fez'' is a deeply explorative game in deliberately retro pixel style, outwardly a 2D platformer, but it's kinda complicated.  In broad terms, it makes me think of ''Nit'' if it had less direction, or ''[[w:Yume_Nikki|Yume Nikki]]'' if it had actual gameplay (get a load of my indie penis, spurt spurt!).  And it's all wrapped up in a bag that smells strongly of ''Super Paper Mario''.  You move in 2D, but can freely rotate the levels in 3D ninety degrees at a time to cross gaps and rearrange platforms with perspective tricks.  So I guess we could also call it ''[[w:Echochrome|Echochrome]]'' if it had more colors.  Blimey!  If indie gaming was a country, ''Fez'' would be the ki...  Well, ''Cave Story'' would be the king, but it'd be unwise to appoint ''Fez'' as the Grand Vizier, I tell ya that! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5662-Fez-and-I-Am-Alive]

===[[w:Prototype 2|Prototype 2]]===
*Games like this and ''[[w:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|Skyrim]]'' and ''[[w:Just Cause 2|Just Cause 2]]'' really are the sort of thing triple-A development should be making all the time, because it really is the only thing they do best anymore. They badly need to understand why they should stop piling all their resources into designing glorious skyboxes and elaborate set pieces and other things that fall solely under the category of &quot;looking at stuff,&quot; when you cannot possibly compare &quot;looking at stuff&quot; to &quot;blowing up stuff,&quot; &quot;running to the top of stuff&quot; and &quot;skiing back down stuff with two still bloody scalps attached to the soles of your shoes.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5688-Prototype-2]

===[[w:Risen 2: Dark Waters|Risen 2: Dark Waters]]===
* Things are operating on a sort of ''[[w:Pirates_of_the_Caribbean|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' level, where there's a bunch of all-powerful god-like entities threatening generic destruction all over the place, and a loose coalition of bad-smelling toothless seafarers have to stop them by acquiring four cans of spray-on all-powerful godlike entity repellant. Well, four magical treasures, but basically that's the gist of it. It really is strongly reminiscent of the plot writing in the [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest|later]] ''[[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'' [[w:Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides|films]], in that there is no problem in the world that doesn't have some convenient bullshit magical artifact kicking around somewhere, specifically designed to deal with it. Either the Ancient Ones didn't feel like they were doing their jobs properly if they didn't enchant every last fucking thing in their trophy cabinets, or ''someone's making shit up as they go along!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5710-Risen-2-Dark-Waters]

===[[w:Diablo III|Diablo III]]===
* You know, if any game company is likely to be secretly headed by a James Bond villain, it's Blizzard, because all their games put me into a fucking hypnotic trance, and levelling starts to carry this mindlessly addictive quality into which they could easily insert some subliminal instruction to raid the nearest plutonium storage facility. Ultimately I confess I still don't get the appeal of dungeon crawlers. Seems like I could recreate the essential experience by opening Microsoft Excel, scrolling down ten thousand pages with the down cursor key, and then typing, &quot;'''''THE MOST SPLENDID TROUSERS OF THEM ALL!'''''&quot; What I really don't get is the appeal of randomly-generated dungeons. Surely that could only possibly pay off during a second playthrough when/if the player realises that this small handful of barren rooms manaically copy-pasted and then arbitrarily stapled together seems to have been arbitrarily stapled together slightly different to before. If a book randomly rearranged its chapters with every read, then every chapter would have the characters doing fuck-all, because the plot wouldn't make sense otherwise. So the end result will always be a ''fucking boring book''. It's not just missing the forest for the trees - it's missing the forest for the trees in another completely different forest.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5777-Diablo-3]

===[[w:Lollipop Chainsaw|Lollipop Chainsaw]]===
* What with Juliette being built like a collection of sofa cushions strategically nailed to a lamp post and her fondness for skirts the length of an information pamphlet on feminist theory, one could reasonably take this as yet more proof of the [[w:Ivy (Soulcalibur)|rampant objectification]] [[w:Tomb Raider (franchise)|of females in the media]]. But the more I considered it, the more I regarded ''Lollipop Chainsaw'' as comparatively progressive, and isn't that a depressing thought. Juliette is always in control of the situation, has a healthy devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the players should feel motivated to protect her from rapists. ([[w:Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy|Seriously, that's pretty fucked.]]) But importantly at the same time, it's never suggested that she is something women should aspire to be, either: her bubble-headed obliviousness is constantly played for laughs and there's a strong undercurrent of psychological damage as she chainsaws up her former schoolmates while remaining as innocently upbeat as a cruise ship entertainer teaching a pensioners how to line dance. It's almost a parody of the standard improbably skilled impractically dressed pouting hotties of video gaming, but then again, I'll say [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1420-Bayonetta the same thing I said] about [[w:Bayonetta|''Bayonetta'']]: just because you're being ironically fetishistic doesn't mean people ''aren't'' gonna jerk off to it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5977-Lollipop-Chainsaw]

===[[w:Quantum Conundrum|Quantum Conundrum]]===
* So the puzzles are driven by a handheld device called a Portal G...  Oh, wait.  Actually a sort of power glove thing that allows you to shift between four alternate dimensions (read screen filters) that alter the physical properties of the objects around you.  It's kind of like a glove-mounted cocktail dispenser, except that it alters the physical properties of things other than your own legs.  There's the Pi&amp;ntilde;a Colada dimension where everything is light and fruity; the Black Russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife; the Absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning; and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/5998-Quantum-Conundrum]

===[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]===
* In some ways, it's a rather grim exploration of the relationship between player and player-character.  Are we really in control of Captain Walker, or do we merely represent the last vestige of self-awareness in his increasingly damaged mind as he railroads us into committing atrocities, and our distrust and fear of him grows in parallel to that of the men in his command as he weakly tries to rationalize to both them and us until we feel as disconnected from him as the rest of reality and...  ''(*weary sigh*)''  Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell?  Those were good days...  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6021-Spec-Ops-The-Line]

===[[w:The_Walking_Dead_(2012_video_game)|Walking Dead]]===
* ...If you're thinking of having a go at making your own [point-and-click adventure game], here's my hot tip: First, think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat down from a tree.  Then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand.  Then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way you'd solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, maybe hiding a spider under the sunshades in Old Man Withersteen's car, so that he crashes it into the tree trunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the ''Moon''. &quot;''Why?!''&quot; Because adventure game developers can't cum unless they're picturing the frustrated tears of people who used to trust them. Actually, that could just be me. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6044-Walking-Dead]

===[[w:Inversion (video game)|Inversion]]===
* Cover shooting is fine if it serves the game; if it's the glue connecting the actual interesting bits of the model aeroplane. But when the interesting bits only exist to serve the cover shooting, then you're grinding up the model aeroplane components to help beef up the glue. You give us mastery over one of the fundamental forces in the universe and then suggest we just use it to make it slightly easier to shoot things behind cover? Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a [[w:Green_Lantern|Green Lantern]] ring. You'd probably just use it to conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun. Couldn't we use our gravity powers to, y'know, ''fly''?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6083-Inversion]

===[[w:Half-Life (video game)|Half-Life]]===
* I close now, reassured that Half-Life is indeed still good.  Perhaps one could partly blame it for some of today's shooter problems, like aggressive [[w:Kane_%26_Lynch_2:_Dog_Days|linearity]] and [[w:Bulletstorm|cut-scenes]], but that was just dipshits aping something popular without grasping the subtleties. You can't blame ''[[Watchmen]]'' for all of the comics in the '90s being about angsty people shooting blood out of tit-mounted pouch guns... and pouch-mounted gun tits. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6126-Half-Life]

===[[w:Wreckateer|Wreckateer]] and [[w:Deadlight|Deadlight]]===
*[''Deadlight''] is a game that looks like someone at Castle [[w:Xbox Live Arcade|XBLA]] who I imagine resembles [[w:J. Jonah Jameson|J. Jonah Jameson]] said &quot;Where are the [[w:Braid (video game)|indie-spirited]] unrelentingly grim platformers?! Take this checklist and find me a game with more tics than a mangy dog!&quot; It's like something that the XBLA spontaneously generated one day when it had enough titles rubbing together. So it's a linear silhouette platformer like [[w:Limbo (video game)|''Limbo'']] that controls kind of [[w:Shadow Complex|''Shadow Complex''y]] with the merest hint of [[w:'Splosion Man|'''Splosion Man'']] and a story channeling [[w:I Am Alive|''I Am Alive'']] narrated by a bloke [[w:Bastion (video game)|with a voice like he smokes entire rolled-up carpets]]. Oh yes, and it's set in a zombie apocalypse, which is the point that the Indie-O-Meter starts ringing bells and emitting confetti. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6163-Wreckateer-and-Deadlight]

=== [[w:Darksiders 2 (video game)|Darksiders 2]] ===
* ...I was surprised to see a 20 hour play time on the save file, because it had felt ''a fuck-load longer than that.'' It's that most tedious of game plots where you have precisely one goal, that never wavers or updates in any way, and they fill the time by putting a fucking parking barrier every fifty paces that you can't move past until you've gotten three of something from the local dungeon. And it's always ''three'' of something! In fact, more than once I'd be asked to find three of something in exchange for one of ''another'' set of three things I was already looking for! It's not just padded, it's fractally padded! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6248-Darksiders-2]

=== [[w:Borderlands 2|Borderlands 2]] ===
* Anyway, we return to to the planet Pandora, or, to give it its full name, the planet Pandora – [[w:Avatar (2009 film)|no-not-that-one]] – with four vault hunters of varying skillsets different superficially from the four vault hunters of the previous game, but not in any practical sense.  And after the vault that drove the first game's plot was revealed to be short on treasure and long on tentacles, it turns out that there's actually more than one legendary treasure vault on Pandora-no-not-that-one, some of which actually do have treasure in.  So that means that everyone in the game gets to keep calling you Vault Hunter.  Phew.  Thought we'd have to change our stationery.  But now your quest is to end the tyrannical regime of one Handsome Jack, who lured you out to Pandora-no-not-that-one and then tried to kill you because he hates vault hunters, oh no wait actually he wants to manipulate vault hunters, but then why would he try to kill you?  Oh, stop thinking about it and kill some more Jasons, Mr. Picky-Pants.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6364-Borderlands-2]

=== [[w:Medal_of_Honor_Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]] &amp; [[w:Doom_3_BFG_Edition#Doom_3:_BFG_Edition|Doom 3: BFG Edition]] ===
* After I declared ''Battlefield 3'' and ''Modern Warfare'' as The Twin Bollock Lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I just don't like shooters. Oh you ignorant little ''bastards!'' Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wii-motes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies. You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits-about-you, rocket-jumping, last scrap of health, toodly fuckpies organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is ''not'' riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by other people's gunfire.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6492-Medal-of-Honor-Warfighter-Doom-3-BFG-Edition]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed 3|Assassin's Creed 3]] ===
* The sandbox map gets absolutely bukakke'd with collectibles and side-quests, but what's it all in aid of, ''Assassin's Creed 3''? &quot;Well, at your home base, there's this ongoing thing where Connor enlists specific craftsmen to recreate his own personal theme park version of ''[[Little House on the Prairie (TV series)|Little House on the Prairie]]''.&quot; So? &quot;You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items, and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft.&quot; Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa? &quot;You sell the sofa for money!&quot; Ok, now I am a millionaire East Coast sofa baron. What do I DO with the money? &quot;Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions.&quot;  Well, that's something, I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me? &quot;More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!&quot; Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people? &quot;What is it with you and stabbing people?&quot; '''''What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?!'''''
* Don't be ''Farmville'', ''Assassin's Creed'', be ''Assassin's Creed''. We've already got a ''Farmville'', it's called ''Farmville''. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6516-Assassins-Creed-3]

=== [[w:Halo 4|Halo 4]] ===
* I feel sorry for 343 Industries, the company Microsoft brought in to do ''Halo'' because the company champagne fountain needed refilling and Bungie escaped from the basement. It's always awkward replacing someone everyone's gotten used to, isn't it? This must be what it's like for new popes. &quot;Oh, sorry, the old pope always preferred golden syrup in his porridge. No, it's alright, the old pope and me had this little understanding - I'd fuck altar boys and he'd hush it up!&quot; Still, you can't say 343 aren't grateful for the opportunity. Funny how ''Halo 4'' was released on election day, as part of some sinister Republican conspiracy to make people who write game FAQs stay at home. 'cause at the start and end of the game, there's a little personal message from the new developers that has much of the acceptance speech about it. &quot;Ooh, thank you so much for accepting us, o handsome and wonderful consumer! We promise not to completely diddle ''Halo'' over a doghouse, slurp-slurp, fawn-fawn!&quot; It's just a fucking aging shooter franchise, 343 Industries, you're not the fucking UN Secretary General. Stop trying to altar-boy me!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6542-Halo-4]

=== [[w:Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2|Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2]] ===
* People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the First World are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet, and ''Modern Warfare'' games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone's jealous of you. It's like when white dudes complain about being victims of racism 'cause all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock. Just to underline it, the villain is behind an organization of the world's underclasses, so you can add the ''poor'' to the growing list of peoples the audience of ''Black Ops 2'' feels threatened by. But perhaps I shouldn't dwell on the politics. The occasionally sympathetic portrayal of the villain and that whole chapter where you're called upon to defend a repulsively-decadent future city for rich people does show a degree of self-awareness on 'Blops 2's part. I honestly can't be arsed to speculate what level of irony we may or may not be operating on, so let's just judge it by the gameplay: It's boring and stupid! Give it a miss! Fuck, that could've saved a bit of time!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6565-Call-of-Duty-Black-Ops-2]

=== [[w:Hitman: Absolution|Hitman: Absolution]] ===
* If you're unfamiliar with standard ''Hitman'' gameplay, they're basically adventure games for the impatient. Missions take place in open-ended environments, and you can either engineer an accidental-seeming death with obscure inventory puzzles, or you can just stove their head in with a brick 'cause you've got shit to do!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6586-Hitman-Absolution]

===[[w:Far Cry 3|Far Cry 3]]===
* One time, I was carefully scouting an enemy base and had just about decided on the best angle of attack when a fucking ''tiger'' lolloped into the base and fucking cleared it out with strategic maulings! What a right wally Mr. Pussycat has made me look like, but it's the sort of thing that'd never fucking happen in ''Call of Duty'', isn't it? Not unless Mr. Pussycat was a programmed setpiece with ties to Al-Qaeda.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6603-Far-Cry-3]

===[[w:ZombiU|ZombiU]]===
* So, I got myself a Wii U, and as with many Nintendo products these days, the startup process feels like you're joining a cult. With the constant music that one might hear in the elevators of a methadone clinic and the crowd of Miis staring up at you as if to say, &quot;Come and join us! The master will be home soon!&quot; and I had to mute the fucking TV during the update process, 'cause that repeating &quot;widdly-wee&quot; noise felt like it was implanting hypnotic suggestions. With a drill. Here's a fun drinking game I devised for the Wii U - take a shot every time the little controller screen is doing something that couldn't have just been put on the TV screen without sacrificing anything. It's the best drinking game, because afterwards, you can legally drive home!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6647-ZombiU]

===[[w:2012 in video gaming|Top 5 of 2012]]===
* Yes it's confirmed, &quot;Warfighter&quot; is actually a word used by the actual military, but I don't see how that makes it any less dumb! Or ''[[w:Medal of Honor: Warfighter|Medal of Honor: Warfighter]]'' any less obnoxious, incoherent, and boring. In the year I started referring to schizophrenic, overly linear modern military shooters as 'spunkgargleweewee' with the good taste and maturity you've come to expect, I felt it would be remiss of me not to represent the genre here - a genre I would've been tempted to now to put alongside [[w:Street Fighter IV|one-on-one fighters]], [[w:Starcraft II|real-time-strategy]] and [[w:RailWorks|train simulators]] as shit that's just not for me and not worth opinionating on. If it weren't for... ''[[w:Spec Ops: The Line|Spec Ops: The Line]]''! And thanks a fucking bunch, Yager Development, `cause now I have to keep playing modern military shooters just in case they turn out to be the most exciting thing to happen in video game narrative for fucking years! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6677-Top-5-of-2012]

===[[w:Paper Mario: Sticker Star|Paper Mario: Sticker Star]]===
* I am very fond of the ''Paper Mario'' series, not just for being fun games, but for being my secret weapon. I say [[w:Final Fantasy XIII|the ''Final Fantasy'' games]] are now essentially the same as glueing kaleidoscopes to your eyes and spending twenty hours in the queue at a Brazilian sex-change clinic, and then, say, a dolphin or a stoat materialises behind me and goes, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like RPGs!&quot; Or I point out that, ever since ''[[w:Super Mario Galaxy|Galaxy]]'', [[w:New Super Mario Bros Wii|the]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros 2|entire]] [[w:Super Mario Galaxy 2|Mario]] [[w:New Super Mario Bros U|franchise]] has just been rolling back and forth on the floor of a public bathroom trying to catch spiders in it's mouth, and I get, &quot;BWAAA, you just don't like Nintendo!  Mario games!  Or fun!&quot; But then I can go, &quot;Have I mentioned how much I like the ''Paper Mario'' series? They're RPGs that are also Mario games developed by Nintendo and are FUN! Eat your devastated argument on a crusty bap, Flipper! WHOPAH!&quot; and then I dance in the rain at their exploded head. Or rather, that's how it used to go. More recently, they then get to say, &quot;So does this mean you really like ''Paper Mario: Sticker Star'' on the 3DS?&quot; at which point I have to fall upon my secondary masterstroke, which is to smash a bottle over their head and run away.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6695-Paper-Mario-Sticker-Star]

===[[w:Black Knight Sword|Black Knight Sword]] and [[w:Hotline Miami|Hotline Miami]]===
* ...an informative, if grammatically iffy title, 'cause it's about a knight in black armour who uses a sword. If only other games were willing to wear its colours so prominently in the title - it'd certainly make cataloguing them a lot easier. Like, &quot;[[w:Half-Life 2|Orange Nerd Crowbar]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Modern Warfare 2|Brown Sweaty Racism]]&quot;, or &quot;[[w:Red Dead Revolver|Red Dead Revolv-]]&quot; oh wait. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6723-Black-Knight-Sword-Hotline-Miami]

===[[w:Anarchy Reigns|Anarchy Reigns]]===
* I've had the same conversation ''n'' times this week. &quot;I've been playing ''Anarchy Reigns''!&quot; I'd say to a friend or favoured bartender. &quot;Never heard of it,&quot; they'd say, to which I'd reply, &quot;You know, I've had this exact same conversation ''n''-1 times this week.&quot; There's, &quot;flying under the radar,&quot; but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, ''Anarchy Reigns'' isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway. All I knew was that it's by Sega, and the name is possibly intended to be ironic, because Anarchy refers to a situation in which nobody's reigning shit. It's like calling your game ''Dog Meows'', or ''Margaret Thatcher Cares''. But anyway, it turns out that ''Anarchy Reigns'' is a sequel to ''Madworld'' of sorts, except that it's not on the Wii, and it's not a spectacle fighter, and it's not in cel-shaded black and white. So yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty big &quot;of sorts&quot;, isn't it? The one connecting element is the main character Jack 'cause, you know, there's such a fucking shortage of [[w:Bulletstorm|grizzled, macho badasses]] voiced by [[w:Steve Blum|Steve Blum]] in gaming that we have to start recycling them now. And then they say, &quot;Are you buying a fucking drink or what?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6738-Anarchy-Reigns]

===[[w:DmC: Devil May Cry|DmC: Devil May Cry]]===
* So the first controversy is that Dante, the cocky, swaggering, well dressed man in a bleached moptop has been supplanted by Dante, the cocky, swaggering nine-year-old who throws on the first wife-beater and dressing gown that he could be persuaded to peel off the kitchen floor, with short dark hair, no less! Why don't you just come over here and put your cock through the middle of my Devil May Cry PS2 disc, Ninja Theory? Seriously though, I suppose if you're messing with canon, it's better to go forward with confidence and rip off the waxing strip all at once than to ask if we're okay with it for every uprooted pube. But what we could do without was that one scene near the start, where a mop contrivedly falls onto Dante's head and he stares at himself in the mirror for just long enough for it to not be funny, before smirkingly dismissing the look. There's going forward with confidence, and then there's a developer whipping the tip of my nose with its big, pleased-with-itself stiffy. Not that I think the original quippery doucebag Dante is sacrosanct; I thought he was an absolute knobend. But all you need to do is establish that new Dante is an equally big knobend and then we can all move on! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6765-DMC-Devil-May-Cry]

===[[w:The Cave (video game)|The Cave]]===
* The Cave is an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with [[w:Broken Age|the Double Fine adventure game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house]]. A different Double Fine adventure game, this one written and designed by Ron Gilbert, he of the superlative ''[[w:Secret of Monkey Island|Secret of Monkey Island]]'' and of course ''[[w:Maniac Mansion|Maniac Mansion]]'', the adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven, but that's enough nostalgia. ''The Cave'' is an all new adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven. What a fat lot of good the last twenty five years must have been! Oh, but Ron knows when I'm just being facetious for comic effect. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6788-The-Cave]

===[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch]]===
* At times, ''Wrath of the White Privilege'' pleasantly evokes the old 16 bit JRPGs I can actually tolerate, like ''[[w:Earthbound|Earthbound]]'' or ''[[w:Final Fantasy VI|Final Fantasy VI]]'' with its actually coherent plot and random monsters occasionally smart enough to scarper if you're over-leveled, but the actual combat sucks a fat one. I find I'm more tolerant of turn based combat than I used to be because it is nice for a game to constantly pause itself in case you happen to be playing it while fighting a panther, and of course real time combat would be chocolate smeared all over a consenting biscuit. But it's these hideous hybrid systems that modern JRPGs tend to have that piss in my radiators, 'cause you end up with the worst qualities of both. We find ourselves having to cycle through an option menu while simultaneously running around avoiding the hits, and I've got this lovely big controller here just covered in buttons, any one of which could be a dedicated 'defend' command. But no, I must instead wrestle my way to the 'defend' option in the half second it takes for the enemy to brew up another devastating fart.[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6830-Ni-No-Kuni-Wrath-Of-The-White-Witch]

=== [[w:Dead Space 3|Dead Space 3]] ===
* You know what?  I fucking give up.  I give up just like the bloke who said, &quot;Hey, EA, let's make a horror game,&quot; at the start of all this must have given up.  He was still around for ''Dead Space 2'' saying, &quot;Look! I made a crayon drawing with blood on it!  Maybe you could leave it lying around somewhere in between all the ridiculous action sequences.&quot;  But now at the time of ''Dead Space 3'', that man has resigned, or been eaten, or maybe the parasitic brain worms that control EA's upper management got to him as well.  &quot;Yes, of course ''Dead Space'' should be an action shooter; more people buy those.  Heaven forbid that we actually provide for an underserved niche or hold out for sleeper sales.  It's not like we make the kind of money that could support an occasional risky investment with any actual integrity.  Why should we stick our necks into the scary outlying territories when we could be tucked up all safe and warm in the comfortable grey dough of mediocrity that is EA's usual output?  What's that?  You're getting hungry?  Okay, I'll just put some cat food down my ear.  Yes, I know you like the chunky kind.&quot;
* Another new feature is weapon crafting, which is part of EA's big scheme to get in on all that sweet FarmVille micro-payment action by letting you pay for more craftable resources. &quot;Did you love blowing real money on flooding everyone's Facebook pages with news on your imaginary cows? Well, you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort and thus cheapen any sense of achievement!&quot; I might be more indignant if I thought this would actually ''work''! The scheme seems to be to walk into a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor and say, &quot;I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put some money in there, then you know, the option's open.&quot; And if anyone actually does put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have had financial independence in the first place.
* &quot;Tension? What's that? The thing that comes before elevension?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6891-Dead-Space-3]

===[[w:Aliens: Colonial Marines|Aliens: Colonial Marines]]===
* &quot;Oh Yahtzee, we're looking forward to hearing your opinions on this one!&quot; trilled several correspondents this week, and then they ran away like they'd just lit a firework or pushed a friend into the girl's toilets or thrown an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog. Oh, I see! No-one wants me around when the new ''Call of Duty'' is training you to ignore yet another quality recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left, then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher! Well, how do you know I don't actually really like ''Colonial Marines''?! I ''don't''; it's fucking atrocious, but you'd have looked pretty silly if I ''had'', wouldn't you?
* So, ''Colonial Marines'' is pretty much a wash. But without meaning to absolve [[w:Gearbox Software|the]] [[w:TimeGate Studios|developers]], they get all the blame for this fucking trainwreck as soon as they figure out how to divvy it up. What gets me are the ''Aliens'' fans who have been declaring it the final betrayal. [[w:Alien 3|Have]] [[w:Alien Resurrection|you]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator (film)|seen]] [[w:Alien vs. Predator: Requiem|literally]] ''[[w:Superman/Aliens|anything]]'' [[w:Aliens vs. Predator (video game)|''Alien''-related]] post [[w:Aliens (film)|''Aliens'' the film]]? Your sweetums has been putting it about for decades, guys. The betrayal ship has sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6912-Aliens-Colonial-Marines]

=== [[w:Crysis 3|Crysis 3]] ===
* Maybe I just don't have the genius brain for some good old hard sci-fi, the kind of hard sci-fi where the most significant new addition is a bow and arrow. Yeah, that's some real hard fucking sci-fi right there! It really illustrates how desperate they were to find a new feature to trumpet - the amount of fuss that gets made about a fucking piece of string tied to a bendy stick. First it features prominently on the box art, and then it's introduced in the first mission with what sounds like a conversation from the fucking shopping channel. &quot;Gosh, I just love exterminating my fellow man with the most advanced projectile weaponry in existence, but sometimes I think that if I could pick the bullets out of the ruined bodies of my victims, put them back into my guns and use them again, then I'd just be so much more productive! But there's no way I can do ''that'', is there?&quot; &quot;Well, Prophet, have you tried 'Bow And Arrow'?&quot; &quot;Bow and Arrow, you say?&quot; &quot;Yes! Not only does Bow And Arrow allow ammo recovery, but it's also silent, can be fired without de-cloaking, and does about twelve times the damage of a bullet for some reason!&quot; &quot;Gosh, Psycho! Bow And Arrow sounds so convenient it almost makes you wonder why they were ''completely supplanted by guns '''fucking centuries ago!'''''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6964-Crysis-3]

=== [[w:Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance|Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance]] ===
* Sometimes, I think the ''Metal Gear'' franchise is like Jim Carrey in ''[[w:The Truman Show|The Truman Show]]''. It's this loud, wacky dipshit in dire need of an editor who lives in a little world of his own surrounded by people reassuring him that, no, ''Metal Gear Solid 4'' was totally a touching, emotional character drama, especially when the funny man did a big poo in his pants! And every now and again, someone tries to parachute in wearing a t-shirt saying, &quot;EVERYONE'S TAKING THE PISS,&quot; but gets swiftly bundled out of sight by a dog walker and a Sony executive. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/6994-Metal-Gear-Rising-Revengeance]

=== [[w:Tomb Raider (2013 video game)|Tomb Raider]] ===
* Lara Croft manages to convince a small team of ethnically-diverse archaeologists who all seem to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are unwillingly made part of someone else's character development, to investigate a mysterious island where they find a storm preventing them from leaving and a mad cult of bearded castaways who have for years been using inflated shopping bags tied to sticks as substitutes for female companionship. So all the pieces are in place for Lara Croft to get the absolute shit kicked out of her for ten hours. Oh, I see! When Lara Croft gets beaten up, we're supposed to admire her strength and character, but when the same thing happens to [[w:Uncharted|Nathan Drake]], we're supposed to point and laugh? ''Why do you hate men so much, games industry?'' Nah, obviously that was sarcasm, because Nathan Drake has never been the subject of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_Raider_(2013_video_game)#Controversy a controversial attempted rape scene.] Although if you miss the quick-time event to fight off the attempted rapist (Which I did, because the timing is really annoying on those things), then it turns out he only wanted to throttle her to death! Phew, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to misjudge these hairy cultist murderers! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7025-Tomb-Raider]

=== [[w:SimCity (2013 video game)|SimCity]] ===
* So tell me, little finger puppet, assuming that multiplayer elements are about as enticing to me as the sight of a dog sniffing another dog's bum (an easy thing to assume, because they are), are there any new features ''SimCity'' can offer me? &quot;Well there's a poo map!&quot; (beat) I beg your pardon? &quot;We've got a special map that lets you see all the poo forming in big piles under people's houses! Then you build an outlet pipe and watch all the poo speed away on a wee-wee one-way system!&quot; (beat) '''''Fucking SOLD!''''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7053-SimCity]

===[[w:BioShock: Infinite|BioShock: Infinite]]===
* Comparisons to ''BioShock'' are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic (or however that phrase goes,) and under that light Infinite falls kinda short. What's disappointing is that the villain is basically just a racist nutter who wants to blow up the world. I listen to him frothing about how his carpet made of black people should be grateful he hasn't trod in any dog shit lately, and he becomes hard to take seriously. The truly great villain is one who talks sense; Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap.
* It is, however, hairy space hopper levels of pretentious. It comes and goes in and out of its own butt the whole way through, but the ending is the point of maximum own butt penetration. It wallows in a bit of abstract meta-narrative - wanky wanky word word - that doesn't really serve the essential plot points, and I found myself thinking: &quot;If this ends with us meeting God and God looks like [[w:Ken Levine (game developer)|Ken Levine]], then I'm gonna fucking punch someone.&quot; But you know what? If it isn't boring and gives us something to talk about then it can't be bad. And ''Infinite'' isn't bad, it's good, perhaps even great. You see, sometimes it's kinda nice to be up somebody's butt if it's cozy and warm and they've put some interesting conversation pieces up there. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7105-BioShock-Infinite]

===[[w:Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon|Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon]]===
* I think I see how the Nintendo flowchart works. Question 1: Are you an entirely original property? If yes, sod off. Question Two: [[w:Kid Icarus|Has your franchise gone unacknowledged for a long time?]] Or are you [[w:Pokemon|''Pokémon'']]? If yes, welcome aboard the uncomfortably sharp edges of the good ship 3DS! Hope your audience likes having sore palms! (Masturbation joke in there somewhere!) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7169-Luigis-Mansion-Dark-Moon]

===[[w:History_of_video_game_consoles_(eighth_generation)|Next Gen Buyer's Guide]]===
* So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played: Where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=247273 Magus of the Vineyard] from [[w:Magic The Gathering|Magic The Gathering]].[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7417-Next-Gen-Buyers-Guide]

===[[w:Fuse_(video_game)|Fuse]]===
* There's something slightly surreal about playing a game single-player when it's obviously designed for co-op. It's like getting through an average day with your wallet, phone and keys tied around the necks of three dogs who hang back and stare at you gormlessly while you clear out the room, at which point they all run over to the door to the next room waggling their tails in anticipation of walkies. Although one way the single-player gets spiced up a bit is that you can switch between the four characters, ''[[w:Clive_Barker's_Jericho|Clive Barker's Jericho]]''-style - Ew, [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/14-Clive-Barkers-Jericho I just thought about ''Clive Barker's Jericho''!] Thanks a lot, ''Fuse.'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7466-Fuse]

===[[w:Remember_Me_(video_game)|Remember Me]]===
* That is a direct quote and I'm going to leave it dangling here like a corpse on a gibbet while we consider that someone charged actual money to write it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7542-Remember-Me]

===[[w:Electronic_Entertainment_Expo_2013|E3 2013]]===
* The author wishes it to be known that the bulk of this video was written before the [[w:Xbox_One#Initial_used_games_and_Internet_verification_policies|Microsoft DRM backtrack]], and he now thinks that games exclusive to Xbox One are no more tainted by original sin than those exclusive to other consoles. He regrets now having to fall back on less popular arguments against next-gen consoles such as their blind insistence on empty spectacle above all else to make triple-A development all the more elitist and prohibitively expensive, the systematic erasure of console gaming history one generation at a time, the flagrantly anti-consumer culture of artificial exclusivity that has created a world in which games are expected to support consoles in which artwork exists to serve a medium on which artwork is presented, as if the words of a great novel exist to serve paper, or a great film exists to serve a piece of wall onto which it has been projected, and so on, and so on, and so on... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7595-E3-2013]

===[[w:Animal Crossing: New Leaf|Animal Crossing: New Leaf]]===
* It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss-up on the beach with all your pals? ''No.'' The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. Oh, thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, goose woman; doesn't go with my place but it would just look perfect at the PAWN SHOP! Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on its multicoloured- DON'T CARE, PAWN SHOP! Give me my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7738-Animal-Crossing-New-Leaf]

===[[w:Ride to Hell: Retribution|Ride to Hell: Retribution]]===
* ''Ride to Hell'' is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big-boy pants going, &quot;I'm a real game now!&quot; Of course you are, ''Ride to Hell''. And that's why I think everyone should buy it, just to fuck with some heads! This could be our ''[[w:Plan 9 from Outer Space|Plan 9 from Outer Space]]''! We should have mass screenings of it, get everyone to dress up, put upside down pedal bins on their heads and then beat their wives! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7785-Ride-to-Hell-Retribution]

===[[w:Dark_(video_game)|Dark]]===
* I'm pleased to report that I've done at least one review for [[w:Alpha Protocol|every letter]] [[w: Bioshock 2|of the]] [[w:Catherine (video game)|alphabet]]! Thank Christ for [[w:XCOM: Enemy Unknown|XCOM]]! But if there's one letter that's over-represented, it's D. And that's because [[w:Deus Ex: Human Revolution|roughly]] [[w:Dishonored|100 percent]] [[w:Duke Nukem Forever|of game titles]] starts with the word &quot;Dark&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dark Souls|Souls]]'', ''[[w:Dark Void|Void]]'', ''[[w:Darksiders|-siders]]'', ''[[w:The Darkness (video game)|-ness]]'' and ''[[w:Darkest of Days|-est of Days]]''. So the subject of today's review gets refreshingly to the nub of the matter. Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off. Pity the actual game is cajun-cooked walrus dribble, but never mind. They could always patch things up with a sequel which would logically be named &quot;dead&quot;, as in ''[[w:Dead Rising 2|Rising]]'', ''[[w:Dead Island|Island]]'', ''[[w:Dead Space (video game)|Space]]'' and ''[[w:Deadpool (video game)|-pool]]''! 
* Every vampire story has different rules, of course. In the ''Dark'' universe for example, the super-secret weakness of vampires is bullets! And cunningly, the security guards of the world all carry guns, having figured out that your Achilles heel is any kind of physical damage whatsoever! So Dark is strictly a stealth game. Such is the aversion to bullets that Eric cannot carry a gun himself. So do the maths here, sonny: Melee-only attacks, plus large numbers of enemies with guns, plus large open environments with limited cover, equals: It's a shame you have such an aversion to bullets, Eric mate, because a lot of them are going to be trying to make friends with you! And your one attack can be blocked by aware enemies, so if you get spotted sneaking up on a dude, the action becomes a rather humiliating game of Patty-cake. I wanted Eric to go back to the club after the first mission and say, &quot;Are you sure I'm a vampire and not just a Goth with a personal trainer?&quot;
* Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/7823-Dark]

===[[w:Saints Row IV|Saints Row IV]]===
* You see, it takes a lot of care to make a game that looks completely carefree. Yeah, fucking write that one down, Wikiquote! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8062-Saints-Row-4]

===[[w:Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs(video_game)|Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs]]===
* Quite a few game-play features have been stripped out, starting with the Sanity Meter, which was probably smart. I don't like when a game tries to tell you how you feel – &quot;You are scared, this number says you are scared, pull a scared face&quot; – when it could just be, y'know, ''scaring me'' without trying to keep score. It's like when a game introduces a lone female character who you talk to for five minutes and then it says, &quot;You love this person, go rescue her.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8158-Amnesia-A-Machine-For-Pigs]

===[[w: Grand Theft Auto V(video_game)|Grand Theft Auto V]]===
* There's nothing that excites me that I can point to and call the defining moment. It's just a whole load of people doing ''stuff'', which I admit is a fairly weak argument. World War II was just &quot;a whole load of people doing stuff,&quot; but at least getting your leg blown off gives you something for the next letter home: &quot;Dear Mum: Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well, I've managed to redress the balance somewhat. P.S. ''Fucking hell!! Aaaahhhhh!!!''&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8193-Grand-Theft-Auto-5]

===[[w:The_Legend_of_Zelda:_The_Wind_Waker_HD|The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD]]===
* I can only imagine the panic in [[w:Nintendo|Nintendo]]'s [[w:High-definition_television|HD]] remake department when they were given this job: &quot;It still looks fine! What can HD possibly add? Make the GUI smaller so we can fill even more of the screen with featureless blue ocean?&quot;
* ...It's good! Because it's ''Wind Waker'' and ''Wind Waker'' was good! That's about the final word. Except for this one: &quot;Mingegurgle!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8347-The-Legend-of-Zelda-The-Windwaker-HD]

===[[w:Call_of_Duty:_Ghosts|Call of Duty: Ghosts]]===
* The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions!
* [South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being &quot;superior&quot; if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, ''orbital fucking missile weapon''!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!
* Just for fun, I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut at the start who immediately dies, one helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happened, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. &quot;Dammit, the black guy died!&quot; they seemed to say. &quot;Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8465-Call-of-Duty-Ghosts]

===[[w: Ryse: Son of Rome|Ryse: Son of Rome]]===
* &quot;But Yahtzee, the environments are pretty!&quot; Oh, shit, I forgot.  Ten out of ten! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8525-Ryse-Son-of-Rome]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 3|Dead Rising 3]] ===
* Hey, Capcom villains, zombie viruses do not make good superweapons! What's easier to occupy: a city full of people shopping and mowing the lawn, or a city full of murderers with a bite-transmittable virus and no ambition in life except to bite things?!
* I should mention there are combo vehicles now, and I'm not so proud that I can't admit that plowing through uncountable hordes of the undead in a motorbike steamroller didn't make me titter like a schoolgirl riding a bicycle with a knobbly saddle. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8568-Dead-Rising-3]

=== [[w:Super Mario 3D World|Super Mario 3D World]] ===
* I played a bit of it co-op, but cooperative it is ''not''; it's more competitive than fucking [[w:Bushido_Blade_(video_game)|Bushido Blade]]. All possible enjoyment was replaced by stress and bitterness because, at the end of the level, whoever got the most points is given a fucking crown, and with that largesse on the table camaraderie was only the first thing to drop off the map as we both tried to sprint ahead, snatching up coins. And once one person touches the flag at the end the other has a deadline the length of an average pull-out procedure before the level ends and the players who made it are showered with confetti and accolades, while everyone else harbors the kind of seething resentment usually reserved for Palestinians and bridesmaids. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8591-Super-Mario-3D-World]

===[[w:Knack (video game|Knack]] ===
* People tell me most consoles aim for being loss leaders these days. Well, I don't know about that, but they certainly are ''dross'' leaders... Leaders in the field of ''dross''... Y'know, [[#Remember Me | I got paid money to write that]].
* ...The level design is as bland as it gets. Corridor after corridor after empty room after empty room. You can design every single fucking level with one very long piece of string threaded through some ping-pong balls. I asked myself a short ways in, &quot;Why do the words &quot;Crash Bandicoot&quot; keep crossing my mind?&quot; 'Cos that's what it plays like! This is as far as we've come, people! Right back around to PS1 era gameplay: moving along a line and hitting things. Except ''Crash Bandicoot'' had colour and life and secrets and challenges and character and humour and squealing pigs you can ride on after looking at the camera with a slightly suspect look on your face. And what does Knack have? Twelve different varieties of rock texture! You spend more time in caves than a hibernating bear. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8665-Knack]

=== [[w:Killzone: Shadow Fall|Killzone: Shadow Fall]] ===
* ...In future, if I review a game on the [[w:Xbox_One|X-Bone]] or the [[w:PlayStation 4|Piss-Poor]], every time I say something in the slightest bit positive, I want you to mentally append the phrase, &quot;...but it doesn't justify forcing us to buy a clunky new console with no backwards compatibility.&quot; I've banged that drum with my raging hate stiffy so many times I figure it can go without saying. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8696-Killzone-Shadow-Fall]

=== [[w:Broken Age|Broken Age]] ===
* Maybe I should judge it by its own merits and stop dragging in comparisons to older games. Maybe. But the game was fucking ''funded'' on nostalgia for those older games. It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did. '''Then why did you charge so much for his ''spunk''?!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8744-Broken-Age]

===[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]===
* Now, I never reviewed ''Dark Souls'' because other titles were out and my play time was limited, and every time I sat down to it, it was like walking into a dark shed full of rakes, immediately treading on one and getting blatted in the face.  Other people with more time on their hands started telling me it was the greatest thing since tummy rubs.  So I'd go back in the shed thinking, &quot;Well maybe there was just the one rake,&quot; before ''*blat*'' in the face again.  So I left it for a while, but this week with plenty of free time in my schedule, I thought to myself, &quot;Last chance; I'll just keep tanking the rakes and maybe I'll somehow become really psychotically into being rake-faced just in time to be prepared for the sequel.&quot;  And I'll be blatted in the face with a rake if that isn't kinda what happened. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8802-Dark-Souls]

===[[w:Strider (video game)|Strider]] ===
* It's always a good sign when, by the end, you're actively seeking out difficult fights because the last time you cleared a room with minimal hits using a combination of slashes, [[w:Kunai|kunais]], and generic ninja flip-outs, you felt like your bollocks sprouted pins and turned into little grenades (if male). Otherwise, your clitoris extended six feet and flew the American flag. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8855-Strider]

=== [[w:Thief_(video_game)|Thief]] ===
* ...''Thief'' is a reboot of a series in which a bloke steals money from people with too much disposable income because he doesn't feel like putting any effort into working for a living, so it's good to see the creators of this new one taking that particular attitude on board, if nothing else. I wondered if it might be better to assess it by its own merits rather than how it differs from the originals, but on the other hand that's like wondering whether to use a fish slicer or a butterfly net to get shit out of the trifle.
* ...If you asked old Garrett why he stole, he'd answer &quot;Because I need to pay rent and it's the only thing I'm good at. So shut up and let go of your wallet.&quot; New Garrett would, and indeed does, give the answer &quot;Because it's what I do.&quot; No, Garrett, it's what you're currently doing. ''Hey, Yahtzee, why are you kicking new Garrett in the stomach?'' '''BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M CURRENTLY DOING!''' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8891-Thief-Stealing-a-Classic]

=== [[w:Castlevania:_Lords_of_Shadow_2|Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2]] ===
* It ''is'' a nice idea to be able to play Dracula. I look forward to the game that allows us to do so, rather than the shirtless, mopey pantywaist presented for us here. Despite constant lip service to him being the Prince of Darkness, all the ''creatures'' of Darkness are trying to kill him as well. Dracula does not tussle with the groundlings, like a terrier at the bear baiting; Dracula does not do mandatory stealth sections; Dracula does not ''fetch quest''! Dracula is the guy at the far end of an army of minions, slouched on a throne, tossing expensive wine glasses aside 'cause he couldn't give two licks of a used ''tampon'' for whoever has to shampoo the carpet!  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8912-Castlevania-Lords-of-Shadow-2-It-Sucks-Ha]

=== [[w:Dark Souls 2|Dark Souls 2]] ===
* Full disclosure: I've not finished the game yet, because I've only been playing for about a 30-hour stretch at time of writing, or – as it's known in the ''Dark Souls'' community – a sample. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8945-Dark-Souls-2-Prepare-to-Die-Again]

===[[w:Titanfall|Titanfall]]===
* Well, this may surprise you, but I've been making more of an effort to do the multiplayer thing lately, partly for therapeutic reasons.  ''[[w:Dark Souls|Dark Souls]]'' helped; that game feels like it's trying to wean you on to social interaction.  First you find someone's note advising you to be wary of fatty, then you hire stalwart fellows to help you out with the boss fight (none of whom have headset mics so close to their mouths that you feel like their every utterance is trying to beat your ears to death with racial epithets).  The turning point came when I was invaded, but the attacker bowed upon seeing me, a gesture of recognition to mark a duel between equals.  &quot;You know what?&quot; I thought, &quot;Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of people all the time.&quot;  So while he was bowing, I ran up and stuck my halberd up his ass.  '''&quot;MAYBE IT'S ''PEOPLE'' WHO NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ''ME!!''&quot;'''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/8980-Titanfall-Its-Got-Big-Stompy-Robots]

=== [[w:FTL:_Faster_Than_Light|FTL: Faster Than Light]] ===
* It is interesting that the rebels are the bad guys for once.  'Cause, you know, the government might be oppressing your freedoms and shit, but they also run sewer systems and post offices, and things won't get better just because they've been overthrown, although there might be more poo lying around.

===Child of Day-Light ([[w:Daylight (video game)|Daylight]] and [[w:Child_of_Light|Child of Light]])===
* And look, that whole twist where the main character has a secret history with the horror? That only works if they ''have'' a character, besides a disembodied voice occasionally going, &quot;Is anybody there?&quot; or squeaking like a rusty hinge! We need to have made some assumptions about them before you can start subverting our assumptions! All I had to go on is that I'm a squeaky lady in a haunted house! So I turned to my brain and asked, &quot;Why are we in this haunted house?&quot; and my brain goes: &quot;Well, presumably because we've got a secret history with the place.&quot; &quot;''Brain!'' Fucking spoiler warning!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9187-Child-of-Day-Light-Horror-and-Whimsy]

=== [[w:The_Amazing_Spider-Man_2_(2014_video_game)|The Amazing Spider-Man 2]] ===
* It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favourite nancy boys prancing about in leotards. And lest we think Sony's generosity ends with ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Film, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without being reminded of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' if you don't want to. You can wake up in the morning and go from ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Toothbrush to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Happy Meal to ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' Nitrogen Asphyxiation Chamber. There's just one tiny little stumbling block in the whole system and that's the fact ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'' is absolute wank, by most accounts. But I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly speaking ''need'' all those schools, do they? In all honesty, I haven't seen the film, but that's good. That means however absolute the wank situation, it can't possibly taint my view of ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game. So here goes... ''Amazing Spider-Man 2'': The Game is absolute wank. D'oh! Better luck next time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9231-The-Amazing-Spider-Man-2]

=== [[w:Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure|Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure]] ===
* ''Tesla Effect'' is a brand new, successfully Kickstarted Tex Murphy adventure, boldly bringing its signature FMV style to an age of HD. Although it does mean that a little lighthearted, niche adventure game ends up clocking up ''12 sodding gigabytes of space''. But what else besides HD video could do justice to every line that Chris Jones' face has acquired since he last played Tex Murphy in 1998? Sorry, that was needlessly cruel. We can't help how we age, nor, indeed, can game mechanics. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9272-Tesla-Effect-A-Tex-Murphy-Adventure]

=== [[w:Wolfenstein: The New Order|Wolfenstein: The New Order]] ===
* One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. &quot;Hey, this guy's a Nazi; would you like to drown him in his own piss?&quot; the game might ask. &quot;Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss,&quot; we might reply. But despite that, ''New Order'' puts the effort into making hating Nazis feel fresh again. One of the first things we do is watch a soldier shoot a room full of hospital patients before we stab him right up the lebensraum, and the principal villains only need to smile and play card games to become infinitely hateable. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9301-Wolfenstein-The-New-Order]

=== [[w:Murdered: Soul Suspect|Murdered: Soul Suspect]] ===
* ...The story is competent as murder mystery goes: You're wrong-footed by obvious suspects; events recontextualize as the facts unfold; and some people get murdered in it, which I always think is crucial to the genre. And the supernatural elements throw a few curve balls, but at least remain internally consistent, unlike the fact that a man who wears a fedora and vest somehow managed to convince someone to marry him without choking on their own vomit during the vows. ''[An imp holds up a publicity photo of Yahtzee, which depicts him wearing a fedora and a vest]'' ... Well I never said I ''wasn't'' a hypocrite! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9469-Murdered-Soul-Suspect]

=== [[w:Tomodachi Life|Tomodachi Life]] ===
* If a game like, say ''[[w:The Witcher (video game)|The Witcher]]'', wants to have a relationship system but slap the player's knuckles whenever they reach for the sausage-platter, then fair enough. Even in branching fiction, the creator is entitled to declare some things to be out of character. ''Tomodachi Life'', meanwhile, encourages you to populate it with the Miis of real-life friends and family, and to disallow same-sex relationships in it is to tacitly deny that they exist in reality. Or at least to assume that no gay person or friend of a gay person could possibly be playing it, 'cause they're all off playing their special gay games for gay people that come in pink boxes adorned with chest-hair.
* Let's not dismiss the relationship system, for it is one of the few ways we are granted agency. When someone wants to make a friend or take a friendship to the next level, they must request your approval, like you're the stern, overseeing patriarch of a [[w:Jonestown|Jonestown]]-style death-cult. Maybe you'll want to seize the opportunity to finally enforce your will and make your community completely racially segregated to appease Lady Hitler. But personally, I just allowed whatever, except when a love triangle arose between two strapping, young fellows and an obese, elderly woman, which I swiftly put a stop to. I'd given these character enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turning them into granny-fiddlers, too. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9506-Tomodachi-Life-Nintendo-Life-Simulator]

=== [[w:Shovel_Knight|Shovel Knight]] ===
* If genealogy is your thing, ''Shovel Knight'' lies at the bottom of a family tree more rampantly incestuous than the fucking [[w:Song of Ice and Fire|Lannisters]], combining DNA from ''[[w:Super_Mario_Bros._3|Super Mario 3]]'', ''[[w:Zelda_II:_The_Adventure_of_Link|Zelda 2]]'', ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'', ''[[w:DuckTales|DuckTales]]'', and a big, eager, sticky mouthful of ''[[w:Mega_Man_(video_game)|Mega Man]]''. It's like the fucking Captain Planet of NES games: &quot;By your powers combined, I will now bleep like someone doing squeaky farts in a tin elevator.&quot;
* Five minutes ago, a bloke the size of a pregnant bus jumped down and hit me with a metal windsurfing sail that he seems to think is a sword, and that didn't even take off a whole health point. Now I'm being splattered across four dimensions 'cause my elbow brushed against the stucco ceiling. I'm a [[w:Trifle|trifle]] miffed! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9549-Shovel-Knight-Good-NES-Nostalgia]

=== [[w:Mother_(video_game)|Earthbound]] ===
* It's a quirky game above all else. You name your character - standard JRPG practice - but you also have to name his favourite food that appears in dialogue a whole bunch. And if your first instinct is not to enter something along the lines of &quot;cock&quot; then you simply do not possess a soul. You use baseball bats and frying pans as weapons and fight animated STOP signs and hippies, so the 'quirky random humour' thing runs along the surface like baked beans sliding down a clown's face. But there's a dark surrealism running under it as well, as indicated by a soundtrack that alternates between fun, jaunty melodies and weird electronic ambiènce, like someone left a theremin in [[w:Silence of the Lambs|Buffalo Bill's]] house. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9570-EarthBound-Not-Your-Typical-JRPG]

=== [[w:Transistor_(video_game)|Transistor]] ===
* When I said the game is, &quot;hack and slash,&quot; it might be better described as, &lt;CODE&gt;10 HACK; 20 SLASH; 30 GOTO 10&lt;/CODE&gt;.  You're given numerous &quot;functions&quot; that can either be assigned to a button as an attack, or assigned to an already-assigned attack as a modifier, or assigned to a passive slot as a buff.  That probably needs clarifying, so let's say you have a function called &lt;CODE&gt;Tits&lt;/CODE&gt; (bracket, close brackets), assign it to the X button, and pressing that button will launch a pair of big sweaty baps that will smash a single enemy's head around like a chickpea in a ball pit.  Or: You can assign &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank&lt;/CODE&gt; (brackets, close brackets) to the X button and then ''modify'' it with &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt;, so that an enemy hit by &lt;CODE&gt;SoapyWank()&lt;/CODE&gt; will suffer the additional effect of soapy tit wank.  ''OR:'' Assign &lt;CODE&gt;Tits()&lt;/CODE&gt; to the passive buff slot to give your character higher defense against incoming mammary-based damage.  And like a big lovely pair of sweaty baps, this also took me a while to get my head around. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9603-Transistor-Like-Bastion-But]

=== [[w:E.T._the_Extra-Terrestrial_(video_game)|E.T.]] ===
* [[w:Atari|Atari]] were of a mind that giving game designers credit for the games made about as much sense as crediting the office carpet or venetian blinds, and a bunch of designers disagreed and split off to form [[w:Activision|Activision]]. Essentially, this blew the starting whistle for 3rd-party development, flooding the market with badly-made, derivative garbage by inexperienced companies. The enormous letdown of such a hugely anticipated game as E.T. merely caused the scales to fall from the eyes of the buying public: &quot;Hey! All these overpriced, bleep-y games with pixels the size of Post-It notes are actually kinda ''shit''!&quot; Yeah, seems obvious to us, but cut them some slack. It was the '80s; they still thought [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]] was good. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9625-E-T-The-Worst-Game-Ever]

=== [[w: Firefall_(video_game)|Firefall]] ===
* Firefall has a plot. And frankly, after a bunch of hours playing, that's all I'm prepared to state with certainty. From what I remember, Earth's fucked. A dice was rolled on the usual &quot;Fuck the Earth&quot; table and on this occasion it landed on, &quot;Big Asteroid.&quot; But wait! Firefall plays its &quot;Roll Again&quot; card with a +1 modifier and the Earth gets fucked a second time when the dice lands on, &quot;Misuse of Miracle Element.&quot; Slow down, intro cinematic; I'm still mentally digesting the first round of fucking! Thankfully, neither fucking is the kind that means we don't get to fly cool spaceships or wear glowing armor, so we boldly step into this bleak arena now the backstory's been hurled at us like a fucking custard pie. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9645-Firefall-Free-To-Play-MMO-Review]

=== [[w:Sacred 3|Sacred 3]] ===
* You know, what pisses me off is that all the things I'm good at are things that everyone assumes they could do if they tried. Playing the bassoon or fluffing a walrus people respect, 'cause there's a specialist skill goes into those, but writing? &quot;Pah! I learnt that in school! Fucking aced it! They made me start doing it all in joined-up letters just to give everyone else a chance! And that, Mr. Croshaw, is why I felt my background in production made me qualified to rewrite all the story copy you did for us to be more like a recent popular film.&quot; &quot;Well, you know what I say to that, Mr. Producer? Fifty dollars an hour, please.&quot; Blimey, I wonder how people with integrity get through life? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9664-Sacred-3-Hack-and-Slash-Review]

=== [[w:Risen 3: Titan Lords‎|Risen 3: Titan Lords‎]] ===
* ''Risen'' may have more skills than the size of its world can support, distributing them rather unevenly among a dense population of same-y NPCs. And the necessity of having to converse with every single one of the dreary fuckwits to determine the quests they can give and the skills they can teach gives ''Risen'' a little bit too much trough and not enough peak. It's all rather monotone — converse with one white dude with brown hair and a regional British accent, conversed with them all. Even the first three recruitable crew members are all white dudes with brown hair and regional British accents. I'm not asking for the ''Mass Effect'' thing, where they're all different species: one human, one goblin, one pistol shrimp.  Nor am I asking for achingly politically correct diversity until it resembles fucking ''[[w:Sesame_Street|Sesame Street]]''. Just more ways to tell the fuckers apart would be nice! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9684-Risen-3-Titan-Lords-Pirate-RPG-Review]

===[[w:Daikatana‎|Daikatana‎]]===
* I was slightly surprised to find ''Daikatana'' available on Steam, but even more so by the feature list: &quot;25 glorious weapons to collect and utilize&quot;, &quot;Two highly-trained sidekicks to watch your back.&quot; I'd have said it was being sarcastic if I thought publishers had any self-awareness at all. But, realistically, everyone knows that its infamous reputation is the only reason this game is on Steam, and the blurb should have read, &quot;Roll up, roll up, everyone! Come and see the freak!&quot;
* As negative press grew and grew concerning [[w:Daikatana#Development|nepotism and mass resignations]], and [http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/25/11128-romero_ad.jpg|full-page magazine ads] informed a restless gaming public that they were John Romero's cellmate and he'd claimed the top bunk (as it were), outright hostility was brewing. At this point, the universe takes two paths: One in which Romero spearheads a bold artistic movement in game design as a misunderstood genius, burdened with the egotism that often strikes the auteur; or Romero is forever lambasted as a boob, so massive that even the most determined baby would struggle to get its gob around it. And which universe we ended up with hinged on one thing: ''Daikatana'' not being a pile of execrable garbage. Better luck next time, universe. 
* Today's faceless triple-A industry rarely indulges auteurism, as throwing babies out with bathwater is now so routine to big business that the babies [[w:Independent video game development|have formed their own society in the outflow pipe]]. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9699-Daikatana-John-Romeros-B]

=== [[w:Lichdom: Battlemage|Lichdom: Battlemage]] ===
* Oh, for fuck's sake! Why didn't they just call it, &quot;Battlemage?&quot; That's a really fucking good title -- punchy, memorable, gets the point across. I'd call my dog, &quot;Battlemage!&quot;  Fuck it; I'd call my kid &quot;Battlemage&quot; (the playground beatings would be very character building)! Best of all, you feel like you can say it in conversation without having to prize the words through your teeth, like a stubborn [[w:Werther's Original|Werther's Original]].
* I'm so sick of the endless colon-ization of new games that feel like they're too special to make do with one title! It's so mind-bogglingly self-important it makes me want to spit! So from now on, I'm going to pronounce colons as dry-heaves. Did you hear that, Beyond (HRUUH) Two Souls? Murdered (HRUUH) Soul Suspect?
* Are we to take it that Lichdom (HRUUH) Battlemage is merely the first installment of an ongoing Lichdom series, not necessarily about battlemagery? Should we look forward to &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Dishwasher,&quot; and &quot;Lichdom (HRUUH) Tax Accountant?&quot; No, of course we fucking shouldn't, because it's a game about battlemaging and essentially nothing else! I'm pretty sure there aren't even liches in it! 
* Our story starts with a literal moustache-twirling villain walking into your house, weeing on your carpet and licking all the doorknobs, and then walking out while everyone laughs at your stupid, sad face. Whereupon a mysterious man in a hood grants you the power to shoot fire out of your hands and tells you to go nuts. I suppose if you're making a fantasy game, there is no fantasy like power fantasy. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9714-Lichdom-Battlemage-Review]

=== [[w:The Sims 4|The Sims 4]] ===
* So presumably, you know what ''The Sims'' is by this point: It's the best possible argument against the existence of a benevolent interventionist god, in which you direct small groups of dollhouse residents until they cease to amuse, then burn their lives to the ground and laugh at their betrayed tears. But before you start assembling your psychotic single white female-esque campaign of torment, do bear in mind that there isn't any swimming in ''Sims 4''. So you can no longer lure them into the pool and delete the ladder, which was so iconic to the series, they might as well have removed the green diamond thing.
* What ''The Sims'' is is a consumerist middle class fantasy about walling yourself off from the real world and reducing all measurement of human development and personal success to one's possessions -- your dragon's hoard of crass, suburban decadence. And in that game of Top Trumps, the swimming pool is a kingly crown. It's always the first thing on my progress list when I play ''The Sims'', after a second toilet and a TV bigger than my left bumcheek.
* I suppose it might be shallow to pick apart every individual detail that has been cut down, and a broader perspective might appreciate the formula being streamlined a bit. But on the other hand, it's the fucking Sims! It's the poster boy for shallowness. It's about smooth-skinned Stepford Wives competing to have the nicest wallpaper, as they willfully ignore the emaciated children sucking on a rat's armpit for nourishment, somewhere outside the pastel walls of their gated community. And to start removing the flatscreen tellies and power showers of gameplay features shows more blatant misunderstanding of its audience than the Black-And-White Minstrels tour of the South African prison system. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9738-The-Sims-4-Review]

=== [[w:The Evil Within|The Evil Within]] ===
* It plays like somebody said, &quot;Hey, make a horror game!&quot; And somebody else said, &quot;Okay, what about?&quot; &quot;I've just told you, about horror.&quot; &quot;No, I mean, what happens in it? What's the context? What are the major themes you want to work with?&quot; &quot;Horror, horror, and horror! Jesus Christ, just do it! Why are you so difficult to work with?&quot; And so the result is this undisciplined mishmash of horror set pieces and imagery barely justified by a toilet-tissue-flimsy plot, populated entirely by stock characters. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9840-The-Evil-Within-As-Bad-as-Bad-Horror-Games-Can-Get]

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare|Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare]] ===
* CODAW starts off on the right foot when we're introduced to our hero taking off his helmet to reveal that he's a white dude with awful facial hair. We then turn to his best friend who takes off his helmet to reveal that he's the exact same, identical white dude with awful facial hair. Then they start talking about their dads because it's always dads, isn't it? There are no mothers in Call of Duty's world. Soldiers are birthed fully formed from the tail pipes of their father's restored Cadillacs.
* Our friend, who's identical to ourselves, dies in a very heroic and insecure way, and at the funeral, we are introduced to his father, Kevin Spacey, who is the only white guy in the plot who doesn't have atrocious facial hair which I suppose means that he's the baddie. I'd spoiler that since he doesn't properly villain it up until a ways in the game, but come on! It's Kevin Spacey; of course he's the villain. He's got two faces: smart arsed and recently punched for being a smart arse.
* Kevin Spacey essentially becomes a G.I. Joe villain. The usual anomalously well-organized terrorist strike cripples most of the world, so Kevin Spacey rolls in, takes the credit for ending terrorism, and becomes the most powerful corporation on Earth. And then, having essentially conquered the world with money and minimal force, Kevin Spacey decides his next course of action will be to invade the United States. Yeah, this is where I sort of lose his train of logic. I mean, he practically runs the world already at that point; but I guess conquest just doesn't feel like conquest 'till you've stuck a flag in someone else's shit. And he openly announces his intentions to take over the world in a speech at the ''United Nations'', after which the world turns against him and I want to know what the fuck he was expecting would happen after he stopped talking - pyjama party? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9907-Call-of-Duty-Advanced-Warfare-G-I-Joe-Villain-Kevin-Spacey]

=== [[w:Far Cry 4|Far Cry 4]] ===
* Where Brody became a killing machine out of desperate survival need and enough drugs to occupy Amy Winehouse for one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ghale only does it essentially because somebody told him to and he didn't want to make a fuss. He's just a dope who does nothing but agree with the last thing he heard. And everyone around him seems to realize it, you can tell from the way characters give him mission briefings. Every single time they make some token instructing noises, give him a little encouraging smack on the bum and close the door in his face and go back to the TV. Ajay's story eventually leads to his parent's dark secret that explains why the villain has an interest in him. But since Ajay reacts to the revelation like a St. Bernard being told he can't have another biscuit, my first thought was &quot;Any chance we could play as your parents instead? They sound more interesting than you.&quot;
* The main plot thread concerns the resistance being torn between two leaders, one old-fashioned and moralistic, and the other extreme but pragmatic, and you have to decide which one to support. They both have good points, it was a somewhat interesting dilemma and I put quite a bit of thought into my decisions. But what I wanted was some sodding payoff. And at the end of it all, you install you preferred dictator and they go &quot;Cheers, for that&quot;, smack on the bum, close door in face. This must be what it's like to be the American secretary of state. And then you trudge up main villain's house and they're all like &quot;Don't look at me, my ending's completely anticlimactic as well.&quot;  
* Riding elephants is one of those things I didn't realize I wanted until I had it. It's just fun to stampede into a ring of soldiers or, indeed, wolves and go &quot;What's up motherfuckers? The elephant in the room is that you're all fucking dead.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9930-Far-Cry-4-F-k-Eagles]

=== [[w:Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric|Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric]] ===
* The plot opens with Sonic et al., running fast and fighting Dr. Eggrobotmannik. Blimey, that's a bold stride in a new direction! No wonder we needed a fucking reboot! In short order, Sonic frees an evil snake monster from the past who claims that it was Sonic himself who imprisoned him a thousand years ago. And so the plot starts making time travel noises as Sonic is transported back to do the thing he already did. You might reasonably think at this point that we're setting up a ''Zelda''-esque mechanic wherein we hop back and forth between two different time periods throughout the game, and you'd be all wrong and a bag of chips! We go back in time, imprison the poor bastard, and come straight back. It's never brought up again and we're not even a quarter of the way through the game!
* No, I know what it is. It's an endurance test. You see how much of the dialogue you can listen to before you slice you own ears off with a paper guillotine. Or perhaps just turn the volume down, you spaz. &quot;Getting sniffy about random quips not meeting your comedy standards again, are we Yahtzee?&quot; (Referring to [[Sunset Overdrive]]) I would be if they were quips. They seem more like matter-of-fact running commentary. &quot;Bounce pad!&quot; announces Sonic as he touches a bounce pad. &quot;It's bounce pad time!&quot; he adds. &quot;I'm bouncing off something with pad-like characteristics!&quot; he clarifies. And when it's not that, it's the game weakly attempting to praise itself. &quot;This is amsoewe[sic]!&quot; cries a sprinting character as they face-plant into another rock. &quot;This place looks amazing!&quot; they say, taking in the boxy buildings worthy of a pre-analogue sticks PS1 game. But saying something isn't enough to make it true, unless you say something like, &quot;Sega are attracting derision, the massive wankers!&quot; And when the dialoge isn't awful quips or self-aggrandizement, it's just treating the player like an absolute cretin. (As Sonic Boom) &quot;That wall looks breakable. I noticed you haven't broken it in the 2.7 seconds since I last mentioned that. That's cool. I'll check again in 2.8 seconds.&quot; What makes you think I'm this stupid, Sonic Boom? &quot;You bought me.&quot; Touché. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9953-Sonic-Boom-Boom-or-Bust]

=== [[w:Talos Principle|Talos Principle]] ===
* You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of [[w:The Prisoner|The Prisoner]].
* There are also a few obscure object mechanics that the game doesn't explain properly, but bases puzzles around regardless.  It's possible, for example, to put the boxes on top of the roving proximity mines.  It's not fair if you don't make all the rules clear.  If I'm stuck in a puzzle game, I prefer it to be because I'm a big thicky-bobo who can't figure out where all the pieces go, not because one of the pieces was still in the box.  Forgive me if it didn't occur to me to go near the bleeping explode-y death-ball and repurpose it as a dessert trolley.
* [post-credits] Random documents and audio logs / We find them stuck to notice boards, we find them under dogs / We're gonna put them in a file and give it a review / And we're bored of all the gameplay, but we've nothing else to do.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/9981-The-Talos-Principle]

=== [[w:Dying Light|Dying Light]] ===
* This ostensibly new IP plays a lot like ''Dead Island'', I thought, before noticing that it comes to us from [[w:Techland|the same developer]] as ''Dead Island'', which confused me for a bit 'cause I assumed they were working on ''Dead Island 2'', currently represented by a pre-rendered trailer that, as always, tells us as much about the game as it does about freshwater fly fishing.  But apparently that's being developed by Yager, creators of ''Spec Ops: The Line'', a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and violence while getting a lovely suntan.  But I digress.  ''Dying Light'' is a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and OH, GOD, EVERYTHING'S SPIRALIING IN ON ITSELF!  WHAT ARE THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME?  ''JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MY OWN BUTTOCKS!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10030-Dying-Light-Yay-More-Zombies]

=== [[w:The Order: 1886|The Order: 1886]] ===
* In fact, ''The Order'' seems to be making eye-contact with ''Ryse: Son of Rome'', as they both stare forlornly out through the fences of their respective death-camps. They are the stuff of the &quot;spunkgargleweewee&quot;-modern-shooter behind the thin disguise of an alternative setting; a &quot;funkmarbleteehee&quot; if you will. In fact, the moment that crossed my mind, I realized that the plot of ''The Order'' is point-for-point identical to the plot of ''Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare'': We are &quot;Sir Galahad&quot;; a veteran, loyal member of the Order with the face of Al Swearengen from ''Deadwood'' and the vocabulary of a shaved bear, pledged to defend the land from evil terrorists -- I mean, werewolves -- but then finds himself having to fight off a civilian resistance, and in situations like this, you can put money down ''right fucking now'' on his high-tech, authoritarian big-boys club proving corrupt and him switching sides to a resistance movement surprisingly accepting of a dude who murdered two-hundred of their mates that morning.
* In the run-up to release, I'd gotten the idea that ''The Odor: 1886'' was a four-player co-op shooter -- going again by the teaser and the four characters on the box-art, arranged with equal prominence. I wonder if that might once have been the intention because, of the three characters on the box besides Galahad, none of them are still participating in the plot by the final level, as if in the original first draft they were supposed to have been tagging along with you. Although having said that, the main villain is also no longer participating in the plot at the end.  To go back to the ''Advanced Warfare'' comparison: It's like if Kevin Spacey just flat out hadn't appeared in the final mission and the final boss fight was instead with Kevin Spacey's pet Staffordshire Terrier, with Kevin Spacey mockingly saluting from a hang-gilder with 'Sequel Hook' written on it. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10051-The-Order-1886-Steampunk-Modern-Warfare]

=== [[w:Battlefield Hardline|Battlefield Hardline]] ===
* As for the actual plot, well, why don't you fill in the blanks yourself? You're a cop on the ''blank'', you get ''blanked'' for a ''blank'' you didn't commit, and now you're out for ''blank'' and to clear your ''blank''. The new modern shooter is officially the old detective thriller with gradual shift to heist movie in the second half. What confuses me, though, is that, even after you've been wrongly accused and are on the run, you can still arrest people. In fact, when the evil private cops show up to arrest you, you can arrest them back! What organisation is going to come around and pick those guys up?! The criminal police from Opposite Land who give talks to high-school kids on how drugs are really great and everyone should take them? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10086-Battlefield-Hardline-Cops-Robbers]

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat X|Mortal Kombat X]] ===
* I'm surprised by how many original characters are introduced in ''MKX''.  There's even a ''gay'' one, apparently, and it's not the one dressed as a cowboy (which I call [[W:Brokeback Mountain|a fucking missed opportunity]]). &quot;Original&quot; might be a poor choice of words, actually; one of the new characters is blatantly Master Blaster from [[w:Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome|Mad Max 3]], and most of the rest are the younger offspring, cousins, and catamite love slaves of the returning old farts. I remember saying about [[w:Mortal Kombat (2011 video game)|MK9]] that it was written like a subpar superhero comic trying to earn a tax rebate on red ink, and that comparison's only getting stronger now that everyone's got a fucking teenage sidekick! The trademark extreme violence feels rather incongruous combined with this whole [[w:Muppet Babies|Muppet Babies]] concept: You can play the story campaign and watch Johnny Cage complain to his ex-wife, Sonya Blade, that she never makes time for their daughter any more, and then you can go into one of the non-story modes and watch Johnny Cage snap his daughter in half lengthways like a giant Kit Kat. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10112-Mortal-Kombat-X-Test-Your-Might]

=== [[w:The_Witcher_3:_Wild_Hunt|The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt]] ===
* And now your regularly scheduled reminder that the new consoles are shit:  The new consoles are shit.  Thank you.
* Meanwhile, the game watched uncomfortably from the sidelines occasionally shouting, &quot;Hey, there's all these fancy oils you could be using to get this done about point-four percent more efficiently.  Maybe you could craft some from the entire Hanging Gardens of Babylon's worth of random herbs and flowers you've got stuffed down your trousers?&quot;  &quot;Got any upgrades for the basic healing potion?&quot; I shout back.  &quot;Not presently, no,&quot; replies the game.  &quot;Then I'll stick with mashing quick-attack if it's all the same to you.&quot;  &quot;Well, if that's your attitude, your sword just broke again, haa-haa-haa.&quot;  Oh, bloody hell.  Rivery Gerald's oaths of fidelity last longer than his fuckin' swords.  I think they just stuck a hilt on an unusually long Pringle.
* ...I did engage with the characters, and felt sad when my choices led to their deaths -- although it's pretty fucking hard to predict where some axes will fall.  One particularly nuanced character died as an eventual consequence of me turning an evil tree into a horse.  ''Well, '''now''' it sounds obvious!''  [http://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10161-The-Witcher-3-Wild-Hunt-Review]

=== [[w:Splatoon|Splatoon]] ===
*So what other online content is there? ''&quot;Other online content?&quot;'' said Splatoon, bemused. ''&quot;We've got a whole two maps!  You can wear different shirts that no one besides you will ever notice or care about! What more you do want?&quot;'' Two maps?! ''&quot;No, of course not just two maps! We wouldn't be much of a multiplayer-focused game with only two maps, would we? We've actually got five maps, thank you very much. But we artifically restrict you to two and change them every few hours.&quot;''  Okay.  Why? ''&quot;What's with all the fucking questions?! You see anyone else complaining?&quot;'' said Splatoon, pointing to the many player avatars standing around the lobby like ''Village of the Damned'' with Miiverse posts floating over their head saying things like: [in a droning monotone] &quot;This is the best game ever,&quot; and, &quot;Hooray for Splatoon,&quot; and, &quot;My connection died again. Whoops, I mean: I love Nintendo,&quot; and, &quot;Thanks to Nintendo and to local gaming retailer for bringing me this great game.&quot; That was a real message I actually saw. How many checks do you think that guy is cashing? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10168-Splatoon-Ink-Pun]

=== [[w:Hatred (video game)|Hatred]] ===
* We live in an age where mass communication has counterintuitively turned all attempts at verbal debate into a basketball game where the teams are on different courts, and stand around a basket racking up meaningless points and throwing shit over the dividing wall. The only way an individual can safely express their politics these days is to anonymously spend money. Hence why homophobic pizza joints can mysteriously accrue a million dollars in donations. ''Hatred'' exists merely as a maypole for those wishing to defy the cultural nannies who want to tell them they can't have it until they learn to wipe their bottoms properly. [https://v1.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10177-Hatred-Review]

=== E3 2015 ===
* VR tech may finally be making its move. The claim that motion controls would enhance immersion was always about as believable as the claim that a sledgehammer can enhance a Fabergé egg, but I genuinely believe that VR represents the way forward for immersive gaming [...]  But of course, Oculus already did its pre-E3 announcement that it was jumping into bed with Microsoft. ''Yowser!'' Could have broken that more gently, Oculus! You don't come out to your parents in a Christmas card. An Xbox One controller will ship with it, like a rich snot buying his way into the popular kids' club; and you can stream Xbox One games onto to it. There was a video of someone playing a third-person game on a screen in a virtual living room, which I'm guessing is their entry for the Piers-Morgan-for-President Total Pointlessness Award. And also, there's going to be a special two-handed controller that incorporates- '''No!''' That incorporates motion-se- '''Oh, GOD no!''' That incorporates motion-sensor tec- '''No no no! We were SO CLOSE! We were almost FREE!''' Why must we forever carry our failures around with us like a scrotum full of horseshoes!? ''Oh, you can pick up a virtual gun with your actual hand and fire it.'' 'Cause that's what I want added to the process of shooting an enemy, isn't it?! My noodly wrist groping for something that isn't there, like a castrated wanker! Hey, Captain Scott! How about we make sure we can actually get to the South Pole before we start making plans to erect the Statue of Liberty there?! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10185-E3-2015-Hype-Train-Is-Back]

=== [[w:Batman: Arkham Knight|Batman: Arkham Knight]] ===
* The problem with super-hero movies is that they only have three plots: Villain endangers hero's loved one; hero faces villain who is dark reflection of themselves, villain threatens to cover a city in gas that will make everyone as petty as they are. ''Arkham Knight'' goes through all three, multiple times, with varying degrees of disconnect and all messily layering over each other like an orgy in a poorly-made lasagna. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/10204-Batman-Arkham-Knight-Being-Rich-Is-a-Super-Power]

=== [[w:Everybody's Gone To The Rapture|Everybody's Gone To The Rapture]] ===
* I suppose my first major problem with the story is that I assumed I was crawling through the village on my overloaded mobility scooter to discover the nature of the mysterious event that happened to it. It's rather swiftly established that everyone got disappeared by space magic; but after completing the game, I still didn't have any explanation better than, &quot;Everyone got disappeared by space magic.&quot;  Which raised the obvious question of what the hell we ''have'' been learning for the last three hours! Well, we know that scientist-guy is a complete douche-balloon because his mom is the Lord High Empress of The Busybody Cattlecunts, and we witnessed a bunch of other interpersonal conflicts that all ended rather anti-climatically when — you guessed it — everyone got disappeared by space magic. But you know what? ''Everybody Wants to Rule the World'' was never intended to be traditional story-telling: What with events playing out for us in essentially random order. So now — as well as being glued to the side of a gazelle — the book's being chewed up by the honey badger riding on the gazelle's back.
* Maybe, rather than a linear mystery to be unlocked by the end, I should see it as immersing myself in the larger world of the characters. The problem with that is: I don't ''like'' any of the characters and I'd sooner immerse myself in a vat of cold Marmite! I think I'm supposed to sympathise with the American scientist lady, because this is rural England and the locals read the words &quot;American scientist lady&quot; the same way they read the words &quot;Venusian ballerina crab&quot;. But she's hardly meeting them half-way; treating them like idiots and reacting hypersensitively to their blissful ignorance, like a cat that shares a litterbox with a hedgehog. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57425-Everybodys-Gone-To-The-Rapture]

=== [[w:Volume (video game)|Volume]] ===
* Between ''Volume'', ''V for Vendetta'' and ''Children of Men'', I'm noticing that the world of fiction finds it curiously easy to believe that a near-future Britain would become a fascist dictatorship. It's like all British people are sitting on the edges of their settees watching Countdown just waiting for the economy to dip a few more points so they can gleefully fling their teacups aside and start taking the truncheon to the underclasses. And speaking as a British person, this never rings true for me. Now, I admit I haven't been in Britain for nigh-on ten years now so maybe Carol Vorderman founded a neo-fascist revolutionary movement while I wasn't paying attention, but most of the British people I know, if you invited them to truncheon an underclass for the greater glory of the superior British race, most of them would reply with, &quot;Ooh, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was making a fuss&quot;, before apologizing for no reason. At the height of the Empire, maybe, but I just don't think there's anything the modern British care enough about to inspire violent dictatorships (except maybe football).

=== [[w:Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain|Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain]] ===
* ...Konami recently decided they're going to take everything they've built over the years as a game developer, arrange it nicely in front of them, and then pick up a big hammer and smash and smash and smash and smash and smash. &quot;Sorry we had to cancel Silent Hills, but we kind of lost our interest in it around the same time we lost our ''fucking miiiiiinds!'' Here, have a pachinko machine instead. We like pachinko machines, 'cause it's nice to have something around that has some fucking balls. Also, fuck off, Hideo Kojima; you're too reliably bankable for our liking. We'd much rather stick our feet up our arse and bounce down the stairs making burbling noises with our lips! Brblbblbblbb!&quot; Although Phantom Pain doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, 'cause Hideo Kojima's name is all over it, to a frankly quite psychotic degree. Christ knows why every individual mission has to have its own credit sequence unless Hideo's worried we've all got short-term memory loss. I know you're the director, Hideo; there's a mentally damaged woman over there with her tits hanging out, of course it's by you! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57452-Metal-Gear-Solid-V-The-Phantom-Pain]

=== [[w:Until Dawn|Until Dawn]] ===
* I have a soft spot for the slasher movie. Not that they're ever anything above god-awful. I mean; calling ''Friday the 13th'' &quot;art&quot; is like calling a face full of crusted shit &quot;cosmetic surgery&quot;. But I like them because there's something very essentially cathartic about watching a bunch of complete twats get completely twatted. When the parade of out-of-work actors in their mid-to-late twenties pretending to be carefree teenagers with unfeasibly easy access to expensive holiday real estate seem to find no end of amusement in jumping out at each other ten million times across the first hour as the soundtrack shrieks like Sharon Stone just recrossed her legs in front of the violinists, Jason Voorhees is acting out the growing desires of the audience as he starts slitting them up like Christmas presents with good dentistry. ''Until Dawn'' is an interactive story of the David Cage school pushed through the filter of slasher movie, with the promise being that, if we make all the right decisions, perhaps we can keep all the out-of-work twenty-something actors alive. I don't think you were paying attention, ''Until Dawn!'' I will have made the right decisions if every single one of those gurgleburgs ends up upholstering the soft furnishings in Leatherface's man cave!
* [''Until Dawn''] also owes something to ''Silent Hill: Shattered Memories'', in that it tries to psychologically evaluate you to an extent, albeit with considerably less subtlety. At one point, a character brazenly asks, &quot;Say, which three of these things do you find scariest?&quot; And lo and behold; the three you pick will show up later! That seems like an easy system to game: &quot;No, really! I'm terrified of Magners Cider, Jaffa Cakes, and handjobs!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/57495-Until-Dawn]

=== [[w:Soma (video game)|SOMA]] ===
* ''SOMA'' feels like a decent, melancholy sci-fi mystery story living next door to a sci-fi horror B movie whose dog keeps escaping and jumping in our swimming pool (what a little bastard), and you can really feel the game struggling to mesh the two, right up until the end when it blows a little raspberry and gives up trying. On the way to the final area, to conclude the Simon story, a new character literally appears from nowhere, pops his head around the door, and says: &quot;Sorry to interrupt, player, but before you tie up the main plot, could we borrow you for five minutes to tie up the shitty monster plot as well?&quot; So you follow him into a little room, press one button labeled, &quot;Resolve Shitty Monster Plot,&quot; and then get on with what you were doing. I'm only slightly exaggerating! So I suppose if Antoine de Saint-Exupéry were here, he'd ask, &quot;Would SOMA be improved if they took out the monster stealthing altogether and got by with exploration, puzzles, and environmental hazards? Also, didn't I die in 1944?&quot; Well, I'd say so, Antoine, but if they took out the scary monsters, what else are the streamers and Let's Players supposed to obnoxiously overreact to? &quot;''AAAHHH''! IT'S SO ''EXISTENTIAL''!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/93321-SOMA]

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Syndicate|Assassin's Creed Syndicate]] ===
* I once described the ''Assassin's Creed'' series as a line graph and here's how it continues: From the point that ''Unity'' was at, draw a perfectly horizontal line. We've jumped 60 years and about 250 miles, but we haven't budged a fucking inch. I wouldn't say Syndicate is the worst Sassy Credo, but it might well be the laziest. Lazily written, certainly. We play as twins, Jacob and Evie Frye, one of them is brash and reckless and direct-combat-oriented, the other is smart and measured and more suited to stealth. I'll leave you to guess which one's the boy and which one's the girl, but here's a hint: Try to think like the laziest writer in the fucking universe.
* Remember how Leonardo was a major character in Screedo 2, and the friendship between him and Ezio was actually firmly established?  Well, the sideburns muscled that out, too, 'cause every meeting with a historical figure in ''Syndicate'' plays like something from a fucking kids' TV series:  &quot;Hello, I'm the famous Charles Dickens.&quot;  &quot;Hello, the famous Charles Dickens; we're stand-ins for the audience.&quot;  &quot;Hello, stand-ins.  I guess that means I can inexplicably enlist you to solve my problems.&quot;  &quot;What problems, the famous Charles Dickens?&quot;  &quot;It's all these random thugs stopping me from finishing the famous books I write.  If only there was someone around here who could brutally stab them all to death for me.&quot;
* Mind you, I said we haven't moved anywhere since ''Unity'', but at least ''Unity'' tried to play a bit with the idea of Assassins and Templars not being a totally uncomplicated good-versus-evil situation; whereas in ''Syndicate'', the best and only argument for opposing the main villain is: &quot;Fucking look at the guy! He's like someone drew a Snidely Whiplash moustache onto a picture of Joseph Goebbels!&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106803-Assassins-Creed-Syndicate]

=== [[w:Halo 5: Guardians|Halo 5: Guardians]] ===
* Turns out Cortana's big dramatic death scene in the last game wasn't for realisies, but one could kinda predict that from the mere fact that there is a Halo 5 at all. It doesn't take a giant space-protractor to calculate that Master Chief and Cortana are the only marketable faces of the franchise; which is not even because they're good or interesting characters. It's only because Mr. Chuffy is the protagonist and Cortana flaps her big blue knockers about like a gelatin dessert on a merry-go-round. The funny thing is, even in-universe, everyone seems to realize that Mr. Chuffy and his little blue titty-monster are the only characters of any importance.  So when Mr. Chuffy reports having a weird dream about Cortana being alive and calling him to distant planet, not a single person so much as hazards the possibility that it was just a dream and maybe he'll forget all about if they buy him a new wank-doll for Christmas. No, they're all like, &quot;Ooh, this is serious! We better go to that planet, then!&quot;
* The action is split between the four Spartans trying to hunt down Mr. Chuffy and Mr. Chuffy himself, who also has three finger puppets with him for no better reason than because his bits needs to be four player co-op as well. Any potential that might have been here for some kind of tense or dramatic character interplay is lost by the fact that Halo continues to seem like it was written by a castrated slug. The crime for which Mr. Chuffy is being hunted is so completely fucking weak that the two parties can barley summon the effort to be cross at each other when they do meet. Two of them have a token punch-up about midway through that has more the air of two blind people trying to politely get past each other in a crowded restaurant. It might have helped if it had been playable! But Halo 5's attitude seems to be that nothing ruins an action sequence faster than players.
* The game opens with the four members of the B-Team having a huge spectacular punch-up in a war zone, at which point I went, &quot;HOLY, WOW! Look at that!  The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caladonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don't know fighting other people I don't know for reasons unexplained could be as interesting.&quot; After all, I know the backstory for that stain. It was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched ''Free Willy'' for the first time. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/106811-Halo-5-Guardians]

=== [[w:Fallout 4|Fallout 4]] ===
* Bethesda RPGs are always deeply explorative, but never immersive. They make for some great screenshots, but the moment it has to start living and animating, you find it full of blank-eyed computer programs who struggle to navigate a six-lane highway without a carelessly-placed dog turd making their path-finding bugger up, and who have a weird habit of mysteriously vanishing in front of doors, which the doors always find so surprising that they momentarily forget how doors are supposed to work. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116433-Fallout-4]

=== [[w:Devil's Third|Devil's Third]] ===
* The quickest possible description for [''Devil's Third''] would be, &quot;Poor Man's ''Metal Gear Solid'',&quot; and I mean ''really'' poor; like the kind of ''Metal Gear Solid'' that was brewed from ketchup packets in a prison toilet. You know how Hideo Kojima's approach to including real world politics and history in his games is to read the first line of the Wikipedia page and then get bored and set a whale on fire? ''Devil's Third'' somehow does even less, and seems to have gotten its understanding of the world from what could be barked at it through the door-hatch as it was passed its morning bowl of gruel. How's this for -- let's charitably call it -- misguided: The main character is an inmate in Guantanamo Bay, which in this reality is an underground prison by way of ''Beyond Thunderdome'' populated exclusively by white, American Metallica enthusiasts.
* Anyway. I should probably tell you what genre of game ''Devil's Third'' is. Well, you can't pin it down as simply as that, as it drunkenly meanders between several different rooms of the Gameplay House like it just got in from a bender and can't remember where it left its kebab. It's a hack-n-slash, shooter, military, horror, character drama, bad fashion-sense simulator making the classic mistake that a bit of everything creates some kind of sumptuous buffet, when here in the real world one does not put cola cubes, live bait, and Mini Babybels in the same pick 'n' mix bag. Clearly, not enough of us gave our lives in the trenches of ''Ride to Hell: Retribution'' for everyone to learn that a brawler and a shooter don't get along in the same space. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116642-Devils-Third]

=== [[w:The Witness|The Witness]] &amp; [[w:Bombshell|Bombshell]] ===
* ''The Witness'' is a new game by Jonathan Blow.  Ironically, it sucks!  ''Mneh-eh-eh-eh-obnoxious-laugh!''
* &quot;Awww, the mean ol' puzzles hurt Yahtzee-Boo-Boo's fragile little gamey-brainy-wain. Perhaps you'd be more suited to the kind of puzzle where you only draw straight lines connecting a shotgun barrel to a foreign insurgent's left testicle.&quot; HEY! Twat-Finder General! I solved the puzzles. I just wasn't having ''fun'' doing so. I completed the whole island, turned on all the laser beams, opened up the mountain to what I suspect was the final climactic area, and then the game threw ''fifteen more'' line-drawing puzzles at my face, and, frankly, fuck that! &quot;Congratulations on getting through that bowl of dog food, player. Here's your reward: another helping of dog food.&quot;
* &quot;Hey, Yahtzee,&quot; said Steam towards the end of the week. &quot;Do you remember that announcement trailer you saw a while back for a game called ''Bombshell?''&quot;
: &quot;I do indeed! It was one of the ''worst trailers I've ever seen.'' I think they made it by gluing poser models together with cold spunk!&quot;
: &quot;Oh... well, the game's out now.&quot;
: &quot;Peachy-fucking-KEEN!&quot;
: [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116783-The-Witness-Bombshell-Review]

=== [[w:Gravity Rush|Gravity Rush]] ===
* I did hear the game was alright, but I wasn't gonna buy a fuckin' PS Vita to play it. That'd be like adopting an incontinent chimpanzee 'cause you fancy the lady who comes 'round to change his nappies. Thankfully, a remastered version of ''Gravity Rush'' came out last week for the PS 4, which I very much appreciate, because I'm sick of all this &quot;mad people&quot; privilege in modern society; they get all these exclusive games, they hog all the fun medications, and there seems to be a whole bunch of them running for president at the moment. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116793-Gravity-Rush-Review]

=== [[w:XCOM 2|XCOM 2]] ===
* Twenty years have passed since the last game, the Earth has come under the control of an oppressive alien regime fronted by a dorky human collaborator, and when the silent protagonist gets released from suspended animation the resistance can finally get started. Because no one was willing to get off their ass and defend themselves without the presence of this one gormless mute. But enough about the plot of ''Half-Life 2''; let's talk about ''XCOM 2'' instead. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116803-XCOM-2-Review]

=== [[w:Firewatch|Firewatch]] &amp; [[w:Layers of Fear|Layers of Fear]] ===
* As for ''Layers of Fear'', like ''[[w:P.T._(video_game)|P.T.]]'', it's not much more than a showcase of spooky set pieces. But ''P.T.'' never claimed to be a complete game! Makes me think of ''[[w:The_Evil_Within|Evil Within]]'': you try to make an entire game out of a delusional nightmare sequence, and it gets boring 'cause it never lets up, and the nightmare becomes the norm. Bid us to sit down and pull the chair away as we do so, but don't ''keep doing it''; do it once, then apologize, let us sit for a while, wait 'til we're calm, then throw spiders at our face and burn the house down! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116814-Firewatch-Layers-of-Fear]

=== [[w:Far Cry Primal|Far Cry Primal]] ===
* You're in the wrong place if you're looking for an engaging plot, or indeed ''any'' plot. You might think the shit I described so far constitutes a plot, but you’d be wrong. The killer sabertooth tiger that sparks off the adventure we kill later on as one of the big hunt missions without even much prominence. I ousted both the rival tribes, who, I'll just reiterate, we aren't given much reason to oppose except that they'd also quite like to survive the winter. But the game still didn't end! This is the game that Ubisoft's sandboxes have been tacitly threatening to turn into for quite some time now: One where all sense of structural progress is kept as vague as possible for want of turning the game into a platform for a series of disconnected events and repetitive challenges, I suspect because it's easier for the inevitable fucking DLC to slot into like a bloodstained erection. But you know what, I'm with you, Ubisoft. Who needs some uppity creative trying to dictate to me how to experience their creation? I mean, where did the creators of ''Breaking Bad'' get off telling me I should watch season one before season two?! Oh, because I quote &quot;won't understand what's going on?&quot; ''You don't know me!'' And who does this Shakespeare motherfucker think he is, putting the pages in numbered order?! I am the master of my domain, I choose to shuffle them all up and read the text from right to left! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116820-Far-Cry-Primal]

=== [[w:Stardew_Valley|Stardew Valley]] and [[w:Superhot|Superhot]] ===
* ''Stardew Valley'' is a retro-style farming simulator recently released on Steam that's somewhat reminiscent of ''Harvest Moon.''  Oh, sorry, I read that wrong.  ''Stardew Valley'' is ''Harvest Moon.''  It murdered ''Harvest Moon,'' stole ''Harvest Moon's'' skin, and befriended ''Harvest Moon's'' parents under the guise of consoling them in their hour of grief.
* The plot is, we play a big nerd sitting in front of a computer playing games (''Whoa, slow down, Superhot!  Give me a chance to get into character!''), who gets sent the hot new game by their online friend, and the barriers between game and reality start to break down as a mysterious force within the game begins to mess with you, in a rather weak-sauce and desperate manner.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha!  We're in control now!  You cannot escape!  Press ESCape and see what happens!&quot;  Could I just play the next combat mission, please?  ''&quot;Hit escape, you prick!&quot;''  All right, fine.  &quot;Ha-ha-ha! It didn't work!  As cat with mouse, I toy with thee!  Now I'm going to make you quit the game and restart it again!  What now, bitch!?&quot;  I dunno; maybe I'll get some work done.  ''&quot;Wait! Come back!!&quot;''

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's The Division|Tom Clancy's The Division]] ===
* Whenever a new Tom Clancy game comes out, I always have to double-check his Wikipedia page to make sure he's still dead. He's prolific for a corpse!
* We are a member of a secret government agency called &quot;The Division&quot;, that consists of agents secretly inserted throughout the general population for... no particular reason, now being activated to go into ruined Manhattan and jolly well sort it out! 'Cause it turns out, Wayne LaPierre was right all along: the only thing that can stop a bad roving pack of murderous thugs is a good roving pack of murderous thugs. So let me see if I've got this straight, the corpse of Tom Clancy: We're a member of the secret police under no official scrutiny or accountability, and our job is to go into an area of civil unrest and murder dissenting citizens without trial, and it's not set in Stalinist Russia? &quot;Now we can take these back to the people!&quot; said my earpiece friend after a supply recovering mission. Sorry, which people were those again? Presumably not the people in whose corpses I now stand knee-deep? Oh right, you meant the ''&quot;real&quot;'' people; the ones that bowed and scraped when the government assassination squad showed up. See, the premise would have worked perfectly well if we'd just been some random citizen doing our bit to take back the city, Charles Bronson style, baby! The only thing the secret police thing adds is to make us less relatable and give hard-ons to the paranoid authoritarian lot, who want to believe that the government will finally sort out those intimidating young people who stand around outside their house talking loudly.
* If you ask me, the overt RPG mechanics make the game even more frighteningly tone-deaf. I mean, there are moments when certain characters beam down from Planet Sensible and call out the whole &quot;unaccountable secret police&quot; thing, and the game does present it like he's making a valid point. But then the cutscene ends and we go straight back to &quot;Oh boy, time to fight some Level 20 disenfranchised citizens! Watch out for the elite enemies, they get more health from being ''extra'' disenfranchised!&quot; The tone's all over the place. One moment you find an audio log of someone using the mummified corpses of their children to get the campfire started, the next you're talking to one of those ''wacky'' section commanders who all have a single hilarious personality quirk, like they keep talking about their TV career or how they used to work at the zoo jerking off polar bears. It's a big fat indicator that the game had nine different writers who spent the whole dev cycle locked in different toilet cubicles. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116838-The-Division]

=== [[w:Uncharted 4: A Thief's End|Uncharted 4: A Thief's End]] ===
* ''Uncharted 4'' is very decisively the final game in the series about exploring marvelous lost cities in many exotic international locations, while controlling an insufferable, murdering pillock whose dialogue is ten percent smug quips and ninety percent exertion noises. And ''Uncharted 4'' has concluded that the insufferable pillock is the part we're invested in. I feel this is making the same mistake as the new ''Tomb Raiders'', trying to focus on the protagonist of the adventure story rather than the adventuring part.  Claim to be invested in Laura Croft's character all you like, but you know you'd rather watch her outrunning an avalanche than talking earnestly about her commitment issues. I mean, strip the adventure out of ''Uncharted 4'' and it's just &quot;People With No Idea How to Communicate With Each Other: The Game&quot;! I know that's kinda the point when Nathan Drake creates a rift with his wife, by not telling her he is going on an adventure, but towards the end when they are together again and are having a big reconnecting scene, these people who've been married for years ''still can't fucking communicate!'' All they do is quip and talk into their shoes; it makes me fucking cringe! I want to step in, shove them aside, and do the dialogue myself with sock puppets. If you dropped a Shakespearian character into the ''Uncharted'' universe, they would stand out like a neon-pink Johnny in a cucumber patch: ''Come join me now/ ye gentles all/ and crouch behind/ yon chest-high wall!''
* You're out of luck if you're not interested in Nathan Drake as a person and would rather get on with the action and adventure part of the action adventure, cause before things kick off you've got two flashback chapters to get through and then a chapter in which Nathan Drake bums around the house being mildly frustrated. You know what though, I talk shit, but I was actually starting to like the bastard during that whole segment. I wanna see more of the boring, suburban life of the ex-douchebag adventurer; it's like Han Solo getting dropped into the middle of an Alan Bennett production.
* I can't get up [Uncharted 4]'s ass too much, 'cause I know this is the kind of game I miss when I'm having to play shit like ''The Division'' and other games that one should be very strongly advised not to play prior to operating heavy machinery. I couldn't call ''Uncharted'' &quot;boring&quot;, but it has now done all it can do, in which case: well done for ending it. And that's pretty conclusively ended, 'cause it's got the kind of epilogue you can't roll back from without a time machine or, more realistically, a particularly exorbitant check from Sony. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116877-Uncharted-4-A-Thiefs-End]

=== [[w:Mirror's Edge Catalyst|Mirror's Edge Catalyst]] ===
* The evil corporations are brewing an evil corporate scheme, and we can only hope that it's a scheme that can foiled by doing parkour at it. Yes, ''Mirror's Edge'' is a First Person Parkour-Em-Up, and the plot runs into the recurring issue that there are only so many situations that running somewhere very fast can assist with. The game's missions have many varied story reasons behind them, but in practical terms most of them are completed by running up to the right computer and mashing our hand on the screen. There's a memorable mission when Faith is working with the Resistance as they set out to kidnap some evil corporate type, a fairly significant development that drives most of what remains of the plot. But since at no point in the process of kidnapping someone does parkour become necessary, the whole thing takes place off-screen with Faith tasked to instead, open-quotes, &quot;clear the path&quot; by — you guessed it! — following a parkour path to a series of computers and mashing her hand on each screen. You get to listen to the kidnapping through your earpiece, as you gaze heavenwards and dream about what it would be like to be the main character of this story. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116892-Mirrors-Edge-Catalyst]

=== [[w:Inside_(video_game)|Inside]] and [[w:Shadow_of_the_Beast_(2016_video_game)|Shadow of The Beast]] ===
* ...For a moment this week, the spirit of [[w:Summer_of_Arcade|Summer of Arcade]] returned when the Xbone coughed up a spiritual successor to ''Limbo'', the depressed self-harming beach babe of the 2010 frolics.  So let's take a look inside...  Er, sorry, I meant to say:  Let's take a look '''at''' ''Inside''.  And that's going straight on to my list of game titles that are needlessly awkward to Google, alongside ''Fuse'' and ''Wet'' and ''Dead or Alive Xtreme 3'', which is very awkward to Google if your girlfriend ever looks at your search history.  ''Inside'' opens with a small child lost in a dark forest, and you are given the implied instruction to keep moving right until something tells you to stop.  Nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, of course, but one could be forgiven for thinking at first glance that Playdead Studios have merely slapped a sporty red top on to the protagonist of ''Limbo'' and left it at that.  It's an atmospheric puzzle/platformer of the child-lost-in-scary-world genre that remains even after all these years the fast track to indie acclaim.  You have a &quot;jump&quot; button, and a &quot;pull things&quot; button, and you will die like a ''Game of Thrones'' supporting actor demanding a salary increase.  But while the similarity to ''Limbo'' remains stark, things feel a little different when you start getting chased by dogs and scary men with flashlights, and we discover there's slightly more of a plot going on inside...  I mean '''in''' ''Ins...''  Oh, fuck it! I'm just going to call it &quot;Thatcher's Britain&quot; from now on, all right?
* ...So it's a perfectly sound idea to try the recipe again with maybe one less cup of diarrhea and one more cup of ''God of War''.  And so, in ''Shadow of The Beast'', we are the titular beast who resembles a purple dude wearing a Pokémon on his head.  We were created as a living weapon by an evil sorcerer, we break free of their control, and proceed to murder our way through the sorcerer's minions to take up our list of grievances with the big baddie.  So far, so good.  Or rather, so far so ''God.  Of War''.  Where the game tries to evoke the game that inspired it is in the combat, which is very much in the spirit of, &quot;Keep pressing the 'punch' button.&quot;  Enemies approach in single file from in front and back, and most of them can be instant-killed with one hit.  What's the word for this strange feeling inside me, this cozy feeling of warmth and familiarity, that makes me feel like I'm in precisely the place where I'm most comfortable?  Oh! I remember:  '''Hatred.'''  I '''hate''' this combat system.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116903-Inside-Shadow-of-the-Beast]

=== [[w:The Technomancer|The Technomancer]] ===
* Once the graduation's over, Zach starts work as a peace officer working with the evil ruling authority. So while I was at that point about as engaged as a dad chaperoning his daughter to a One Direction concert, I figured I was obliged to at least play as far as the bit where we get framed and the sinister authority turns against us, which anyone with the majority of their brain still inside their skull could see coming. Any game in which you start as a member of a sinister authority who interacts with poor people and suspiciously attractive revolutionaries will almost certainly contrive you to be no longer a member of the sinister authority before the second act, with the exception of modern warfare shooters, where you usually stay in the sinister authority and French-kiss assault rifles for six hours. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116908-The-Technomancer]

=== [[w:I Am Setsuna|I Am Setsuna]] ===
* I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to one of the user-defined tags that was attached to this game on Steam: &quot;Story Rich.&quot; I take slight issue with it, because you don't get &quot;Story Rich&quot; just from mugging ''Final Fantasy X'' in an alley-way and nicking their wallet; ''Final Fantasy X'' itself is only story rich in Zimbabwean Dollars. Thankfully, ''I Am Setsuna'' only nicks the pilgrimage plot-device and not the rest of ''Final Fantasy X'''s plot, and the player character, as far as I know, isn't a ghost-footballer from the future.
* Which brings me to the second user tag I want to bring up: &quot;Female Protagonist&quot;, an ''outright stinking lie'' because the player character is a mercenary who becomes Setsuna's guardian. Setsuna's the important one, yes, and you can rearrange the party to put Setsuna in the vanguard if you feel you need a human shield, but it's still the mercenary whose dialogue we choose, when we make the recurring vital decision between agreeing with Setsuna or slightly sarcastically agreeing with Setsuna. Perhaps there's an argument to be made that the playable character needn't necessarily be the protagonist of the story, but if I'm honest I don't want Setsuna to be the protagonist because she's wetter than a fishing trip to Seattle.
* Setsuna's so ''fucking'' sweet and forgiving she gives me ice cream headache, but there's a point where we go beyond naively trusting into the realms of mental handicap; when she insists on you joining her party the only thing she knows about you is that you're a hired killer, specifically hired to kill her. &quot;Oh player-san, I feel so comfortable around your upraised dagger and coppery stench of blood money.&quot;  I made myself laugh again by imagining Setsuna meeting a rabid grizzly bear.  &quot;Oh, I just know there's goodness in your heart, Mr. Tufty.&quot;  ''RAWR!  MAUL! MAUL!'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116914-I-Am-Setsuna]

=== [[w:Deus Ex: Mankind Divided|Deus Ex: Mankind Divided]] ===
* In the aftermath of the climax of the previous game, when someone drove all the mechanically augmented humans kill-crazy by doing the equivalent of posting an honest review of the new ''Ghostbusters'' on the Internet, humanity is reeling from the attack and the augmented humans are regarded with fear and suspicion on the off-chance that something might flip the crazy murderer switch again at any moment. So welcome to Episode 2 of the Clumsiest Racism Analogy in All of Speculative Fiction. You can't split humanity into augmented and not-augmented because having oven-hobs instead of nipples is not a trait unique to specific families (unless babies are having their legs snapped off as they emerge from the womb and replaced with shelf brackets) to say nothing of the fact that you can't make the &quot;few bad apples&quot; argument if literally every augmented person went off their hydraulic cyber-trolleys and a certain amount of fear might be justified if no one knows that the insane murderer switch isn't still lying around somewhere for some family dog to accidentally trip while rubbing his ass on the carpet. Hey, remember how in the original ''Deus Ex'' augmented humans were a pretty small minority and no one made much of a fuss about them because hey, turns out a bloke with JCBs lodged in his armpits is a useful thing to have in peace-keeping force or when some furniture needs assembling and that most of the conflict in the setting of that game was rooted in the divide between rich and poor and insidious population control orchestrated by corporate interests and the media? &quot;Oh, no! Such themes would be completely irrelevant in the current climate, especially since triple-A game publishers haven't finished paying all the installments on their nuclear-equipped supervillain bunker on the moon.  Let's just make it all about the people putting sandwich toasters in their kneecaps.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116928-Deus-Ex-Mankind-Divided]

=== [[w:Metroid Prime: Federation Force|Metroid Prime: Federation Force]] ===
* Who the fuck turns to the 3DS for their online multiplayer-focused games?! I'd nominate a more suitable platform, but my list basically starts with &quot;All of them!&quot;
* I have formulated a theory. From the things we hear in the missing briefings about how Samus Aran has been running around offscreen being the best at everything, ''Federation Force'' feels like ''The Darkness II''-style co-op campaign running in parallel to the plot of the main single player campaign that isn't actually there. So maybe there was an actual Metroid Prime 3DS game being developed at some point that had the shitty multiplayer mode that must exist as part of the game industry's pact with Satan, but resources ran thin and something had to be cut out, so they cut the single player campaign because the crazy-pills salesman came around that morning giving out free samples. And then someone said, &quot;Wait, people will be annoyed about this decision.&quot; And their boss popped another crazy pill and said, &quot;You're right! We'd better put in a soccer mini-game to mollify them. After all, the kind of fanboys who wasted their tender years learning to speedrun Metroid on the slim promise of pixel tittie are also notoriously keen on team sports.&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116931-Metroid-Prime-Federation-Force]

=== [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbORw5eXsiM Capcom Five] ===
* [''Resident Evil 4''] alone may well have saved the GameCube, ''if'' it had been an exclusive! But as we all know that turned into a pretty big &quot;if&quot;. So, here's a smaller &quot;if&quot;: Maybe everything would have still been lovely for Nintendo ''if'' Capcom had kept their mouth shut and hadn't announced the PS2 port two months before the GameCube release. Consequently, ''Resident Evil 4'' sold 1.6 million on the GameCube and 2 million on the PS2; what should have been the laying down of a winning hand became the laying of a cruel fist upon the goolies.
* The end result of the Capcom Five was that, what should have been a boost for the GameCube, turned into one broadcast after another that Capcom had zero faith in the console, and Nintendo wouldn't forget. In fact, rumour has it that the whole debacle is why there weren't any Capcom characters in ''Super Smash Bros. Brawl''. And if it's true, then that's the most pathetic attempt at revenge I've ever heard of! It's like telling the bloke who murdered your family and stole all your money that you've expelled him from your best friends' tree-house club. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116940-Capcom-Five]

=== [[w:Mafia III|Mafia III]] ===
* ...The game opens with a very ''Assassin's Creed''-esque disclaimer to the effect of: &quot;A lot of people are going to be saying very horrible racist things in this game, but please understand we had to put all that in to accurately bring the era to life. And when you think about it, not putting it in would've been even more racist. Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way: ''Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, coon, coon, spic!''&quot; I get that the 60's Deep South literally was more cartoonishly bigoted than a 2016 presidential candidate, but having granted themselves the all-clear to say the &quot;N-Word&quot;, I suspect that the writer started slightly getting off on doing so. I'm not one to judge; I'm going to say the word &quot;retard&quot; right now for literally no reason. But don't get all hand-wringingly sanctimonious about it when your game also contains Italian gangsters with tommy-guns who talk like they're never more than three wise-cracks away from bursting into a song from ''Bugsy Malone''!
* By the end of the game, I was struggling to remember why we were supposed to hate the main bad guy.  He killed about 0.01% of the people we've killed and had been running a bunch of naughty crime rackets (which we've proceeded to take over and not change in any way), but he also had an overarching, sinister, diabolical scheme! ...To set up a legitimate business, leave the criminal life behind, and create a future for his children. Oh, hang on, he does say &quot;nigger&quot; once or twice. Well, okay then, say no more: Let's drive his harmless, old ass to suicide to show how much more enlightened we are these days! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116949-Mafia-3]

=== [[w:Battlefield 1|Battlefield 1]] ===
* World War I was a conflict without clear heroes or villains; just millions upon millions of young men being sent to tragic, pointless deaths in the name of nothing but an international game of political bum-bouncing, so there'll need to be a thoughtful, more morally complex approach to the storytelling. &quot;What was that?&quot; cries ''Battlefield 1'' again. &quot;Sorry, we were busy making a story campaign about rugged, English-speaking fancy-boys squinting heroically into the middle distance as they mow down dastardly, jabbering Krauts by the hundreds!&quot; I wouldn't harp, but there's this whole bit in the introduction where an American and a German soldier lock gaze over a field strewn with bodies, and both lower their weapons in recognition of their inner humanity that can never be erased by a system that sees them as naught but expendable cogs; and then, five minutes later, it's back to &quot;Phwor! Massacring expendable cogs sure is fun, 'eh lads?!&quot; Even if you're playing as the German side of the multiplayer, the bloke on the briefing menu talks with zat very smug and efil German foice, ve vill punish zese stoopid Amerikan Kowboys for ze Glory of ze Kaiser! ''Mmmmmm...'' [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116958-Battlefield-1]

=== [[w:The_Last_Guardian|The Last Guardian]] ===
* Oh man, this is the end of an era.  It's only ''Half-Life 3'' left in the Infinitely Prolonged Sense of Vague Disappointment bucket.  And after that, the industry's going to have to mishandle a whole batch of new long-term projects to tease us with, and that's just not gonna happen until hype for triple-A games becomes worth giving much of a shit about again.  ''The Last Guardian'' was announced '''''nine''''' tongue-spunking years ago.  An entire tonsil-jizzing generation of consoles has passed between it and its predecessor ''[[w:Shadow_of_the_Colossus|Shadow of The Colossus]]''.
* [on final end credits card:] Remember to spay and neuter your giant cryptofauna.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116975-The-Last-Guardian]

=== Top 5 Games of 2016 ===
* I suppose the fact that the very first game I reviewed went straight into the bottom five should have been read as a bad omen for the year, more so than that ''[[w:Killing of Harambe|fucking gorilla]]'', anyway. ''Devil's Third'' was monumentally stupid and apparently designed by a schizophrenic with vibrators for thumbs, but it shall only skate at the edges of the bottom five for at least being weird enough to briefly distract one from, say, a recent bereavement or loss of limb. 
* &quot;[[w:No Man's Sky|No Man's Sky]]&quot;? More like &quot;No ''Game''&quot;! &quot;...That wasn't your strongest attempt at wordplay, Yahtz.&quot; No worries, I'll just patch something better in later. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116977-Top-Five-Games-of-2016]

=== [[w:Let It Die (video game)|Let It Die]] ===
* ''Let It Die'' kicks off with a skateboarding grim reaper wearing funky sunglasses, which is an image that leaps straight off the front cover of The Complete Dullard's Guide to Creativity. See, it's a traditionally grim thing acting in a lively and light-hearted way. That's almost as clever as putting a hat on a dog. &quot;Shit on a midshipman's biscuit! A ''dog'' in a ''hat''?! DOGS DON'T WEAR ''HATS!'' I hope the government are keeping a watchful eye on this dangerous subversive.&quot; 
* The game also assigns more than one command to some buttons like it's passive-aggressively trying to get them married. You throw your current inventory item by touching the trackpad, and eat it by touching the trackpad in a subtly different way. And I'm sure you can imagine there is very little overlap between &quot;Things you want to throw at people&quot; and &quot;Things you want to eat;&quot; the list starts and ends with, &quot;custard pies,&quot; and there aren't a whole lot of custard pies in the Tower of Barbs. You also cycle your inventory by touching the trackpad in a ''third'' subtly different way.  Blimey!  This is like trying to seduce your lady friend in a darkened cinema, and discovering that all along you were fingering her bacon sandwich. 
* After my best character died and I had no continues, I needed to pay in-game money to resurrect him instead, for you see, permadeath is only a thing that poor people have to worry about. But to make that money, I had to grind with my second best avatar. But his stats were lower and I got him killed as well. So I had to grind up with my ''third'' best to bring ''him'' back so I could continue grinding up to bring my best one back. And that's when I knew I had to get out before I got caught in an inescapable vortex of failure. I learned that lesson from the Hillary Clinton campaign.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116981-Let-It-Die]

=== [[w:Dead Rising 4|Dead Rising 4]] ===
* The first thing you need to know is that ''Dead Rising 4'' doesn't have a fixed time limit or mission deadlines.  You remember, that thing that every ''Dead Rising'' has and what makes them interesting, and is as much a part of ''Dead Rising'' as the sense of betrayal is part of getting kicked in the balls by your beloved horse! What it ''does'' have is a linear sequence of missions that will still be waiting for you, even if you sit down in the mud outside and make daisy-chains for eleven hours. You remember, the way ''every bloody'' sandbox game works. ''Dead Rising'' has taken the part of innovation that entails doing the shit that everyone else does; which is innovative in the same sense that the [[w:Grey_goo|grey goo]] scenario is innovative. &quot;Oh, wow! My legs have been harvested by a ravenous, unstoppable nano-swarm! This will add an intriguing new twist to the upcoming line-dancing tournament!&quot; I shouldn't have to explain that the time limits were there to add a unique challenge! Yes, it could occasionally get in the way of trying on hilarious barbecue aprons and tricycling down the escalator, but isn't that cathartic fun all the more satisfying when we know we've parceled our time to allow for a quick barbecue apron session in between making progress and not just cocking about?
* Now, doing nothing but comparing ''Dead Rising 4'' to its predecessors would be a stubborn, churlish, and counterproductive thing to do; so let's keep doing it! Hey, remember how the boss-fights with psychos used to be elaborate and interesting with colourful characters and unique attacks? Well, instead of that, now you fight generic dudes in silly outfits with slightly longer health bars. Another wonderful &quot;innovation&quot; to the format! &quot;Oh, look, the grey goo scenario has eaten my arms now as well! What a perfect opportunity to learn how to balance things on my nose!&quot; Alright, fine! ''Dead Rising 4'' introduces a couple of new mechanics.  You can equip powered armour in order to continue doing the same zombie-splattering you've been doing all along, except with slightly more defense. And there are stealth mechanics now, and — ''holy shit'' — I just thought of another word that doesn't belong anywhere near ''Dead Rising!'' Stealth is for characters who ''aren't'' carrying around three dynamite crossbows and a giant, acid-spewing hammer, thank you very much! To me, stealth mode was just a &quot;walk obnoxiously slowly&quot; button that I only ever pressed because I forgot that it wasn't the sprint.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116986-Dead-Rising-4]

=== [[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]] ===
* Our protagonist, Ethan Winters, drives to a scary place in the middle of nowhere because his wife, who's been gone for three years, sends him a message, asking him to— Hey, wait a minute! That's just ''Silent Hill 2!'' Fortunately, RE7 swiftly differentiates itself because, while James Sunderland gets drawn into a masterfully crafted atmosphere of dreadful symbolism, Ethan Winters gets a hand chainsawed off. Well, that's much more expedient! He finds himself at the mercy of a family of psychotic, super-powered Republicans who wants to make Ethan's bodily integrity great again, by sawing more bits off of it. Whoops! Bit political, that; better insult the other side to retain balance! In contrast to previous ''Resident Evil'' protagonists, Ethan is a normal dude with all the fighting skill of a Democratic Party election campaign. Although, having said that, he bounces back from traumatic injuries remarkably quick. Stuff gets shoved through his hand so often, he should start using the hole to store his biros and business cards.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/116995-Resident-Evil-7]

=== [[w:For Honor|For Honor]] ===
* Ah, the time-honoured playground game of &quot;Who-Would-Win-in-a-Fight-Between...&quot; So many youthful friendships abandoned to hair-pulling dirt wrestles over whether or not the Enterprise-D could take the Death Star in a straight fight. And then those same kids grow up nursing resentments, become video game developers, and create things like ''[[w:Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe|Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe]]'', in which we learn that, yes, Sub-Zero could beat up Superman, if they're in an incredibly-contrived situation that makes things remotely fair and if Superman is being controlled by your mum. Or they create those pseudo-science TV shows like ''[[w:Deadliest Warrior|Deadliest Warrior]]'', in which we learn that, yes, obviously a ninja would win against a pirate, because a ninja is a trained assassin and a pirate is a drunk sailor with an at-best slightly intimidating beard.
* And it's the spirit of ''Deadliest Warrior'' that brings us Ubisoft's latest multiplayer-focused Skinner box, ''Foreigner'', so called because it's about how people of different races and creeds will never ''ever'' get along under ''any'' circumstances. Specifically, it concerns a permanent three-way conflict between medieval knights, medieval Vikings, and, uh... Japanese samurai, which, from a geographical perspective, is kind of like King Leonidas and the 300 Spartans showing up to join in the Falklands Conflict; whatever, it's a fantasy. Three communities of knights, Vikings, and samurai all live within five minutes' drive of each other, and they smack the shit out of their neighbours all day because it's easier than learning the Norwegian for &quot;Stop kicking your ball over my fence!&quot;  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117004-For-Honor]

=== [[w:Horizon Zero Dawn|Horizon Zero Dawn]] ===
* ''Horizy Zozy Dozy'' is the game you're probably more familiar with as, &quot;That thing with robot dinosaurs and [[w:Brave (2012 film)|the archer girl from that one Disney film]].&quot;  In a post-post-post-apocalyptic future, really weirdly ethnically diverse tribes of future humanity live a subsistence lifestyle in the overgrown ruins of their forebears, and all knowledge of their history has become shrouded in myth. There are also robot dinosaurs for some reason. Although all of this does get eventually explained by the main plot, including the weirdly ethnically diverse thing. There was definitely a lot of thought put into the story of this one, which is gratifying. I do slightly get the sense that the explanation for robot dinosaurs was rather blatantly working backwards from, &quot;Let's have robot dinosaurs, because they kick arse!&quot; but I'm not complaining!
* ''...Horizontal Morning'' doesn't have very many original ideas in its head, but it admirably takes time out to justify the tropes it falls back on — like how it's subtly established that Aloy growing up as a shunned outcast is why she does the usual solo protagonist thing of constantly mumbling exposition to herself, like the homeless nutter she technically ''is!''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117015-Horizon-Zero-Dawn]

=== [[w:Nier: Automata|Nier: Automata]] ===
* The first ''Nier'' pulled the old ''Planet of the Apes'' gambit, where the fantasy world turns out to be the post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, and now ''Nier: Automata'' is set even further into the future, when things have come back around to being sci-fi again. The main characters are human-like androids fighting a seemingly endless war to retake the ruined Earth from an army of primitive but highly numerous machines that all seem to be modelled on women's sanitary products. The androids are doing this on behalf of humanity, whom we never see, but we're assured they're all living on a secret colony on the Moon that we can't go to and from which we only hear general announcements that all sound suspiciously pre-recorded. Doesn't quite take Alfred Hitchcock to see where that's going, does it? But ere you smite me with downvotes for the looseness of my spoiler-riddled tongue, the game's not actually ''about that.''  What it's about is the purpose of being, and what it is that separates a machine from a human, anyway. The story begins when some of the machines start to display human-like behaviour and emotions, in contrast to the androids, who were instructed to remain emotionless, despite having been programmed with emotions, possibly as a prank.
* ...The main character of this game about existentialism is 2B — 2B as in, &quot;Or not to be,&quot; you see; it's not just a kind of pencil.  2B is one of several mostly identical female android warriors (or &quot;gynoid&quot; warriors; thank you, pedantry corner) who fight the machines with katanas and robot suits and dress up in french maid outfits.  Thank Christ for that! I might have forgotten this was a Japanese game for two seconds and stopped loading my mouth with Pocky.  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117019-Nier-Automata]

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands|Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands]] ===
* I knew [''Ghost Recon Wildlands''] was yet another Ubisoft Sandbox Game, and therefore another round of blandly visiting icons on maps like an overworked Uber driver, but I didn't expect it to be ''the'' Ubisoft Sandbox Game; the ultimate archetype at long last.
* ''Ghost Recon Wildlands'' is a sandbox-shooter reminiscent of— Oh, blimey, that rabbit hole never ends! It might be quicker to list the games ''Ghost Recon Wildlands isn't'' reminiscent of. Well, it's not in the least bit like ''[[w:Jet Set Willy|Jet Set Willy]]'', because at no point do you have to travel down a toilet, except in, you know, the metaphorical sense. The first comparison that comes to mind is ''The Division'', as both are flying the &quot;Tom Clancy&quot; flag and between the two we now have quite an insight into Tom Clancy's view of the world; or rather the view of the world of whatever creative director is currently holding up Tom Clancy's disinterred head on a stick. The message is: &quot;Have another cheeseburger, complacent subjects, for the government has secretly inserted packs of trained killers into all the world's populations, and the moment our way of life is kinda, sorta, indirectly threatened they are ready to step up and start shooting the disenfranchised.&quot; Meanwhile, in the real world, the government can barely manage [[w:Lewinsky scandal|secretly inserting the President's knob into an intern]]! But I digress.

=== [[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]] ===
* And so in the spirit of exploration, our hero travels to strange new worlds, seeks out new civilizations, and offers to do their laundry. Let me ask you something: if an alien came down from space and walked among us as ambassador to beyond the furthest stars, would it ever occur to you to call him over and ask if he wouldn't mind bobbing down the shops to run you a couple of errands? Maybe that's partly why BioWare games always speed down the uncanny valley like a herd of autistic wildebeest. It's not just that all the characters look and act like department store dummies with snap-on plastic hairdos; the game feels like it was written by one, as well. Ryder finds himself thrust into the role of head pioneer and the promotion requires him to have part of his brain cut out and an AI put in that talks to him inside his head, does all the difficult adding up, and occasionally fucks around with his bodily functions. He takes this in his stride and reacts with bemusement when other people think that that's slightly fucked up. It does all rather come across as a plot written by someone who learned about human emotion from children's pop-up books.
* The core gameplay of an RPG can also be character building: Making your character fit a ''role'', a ''role'' that you are ''playing'', as it were. But just about the only prior Mass Effect mechanic that has been slung in the bin is all that Paragon/Renegade business, and now, whether we respond to each dialogue with wit, with intelligence, with aggression, or like we've pounded ourselves between the eyes with a mixture of Botox and horse tranquillizer (trick question; that's ''every'' response) doesn't seem to matter one chafed mosquito nipple.
* After the last game was popularly considered to have a worse conclusion than the fucking 1930's, I felt duty-bound to power through the story end in the limited time I had available; the result was a rather tepid &quot;The Adventure Continues!&quot; affair, but what's important is that, having skipped a large degree of the side stuff, there were three entire planet sandboxes I hadn't so much as set foot in! So what the hell is all this tedious side-bollocks for if I can do in the final boss perfectly comfortably without it?! To see the grateful looks on the quest-givers' faces? It's a BioWare game! They'd make the same face if I pissed on their shoes!

=== [[w:Yooka-Laylee|Yooka-Laylee]]  ===
* Twenty years ago, before real life started to feel like a late-night sitcom that got all renewed past the point any of the writers gave a shit about it and is now seeing what it can get away with, there existed the &quot;mascot platformer&quot;, a staple of that weird transitionary period between 2D and 3D graphics when we hadn't quite internalized the fact that platforming is enhanced by 3D gameplay the same way bobbing for apples is enhanced when you've got a bear trap stuck on your head, and when most protagonists were big-headed cartoon mascots because the attempts at realistic characters looked like used toilet paper origami. A more innocent time; certainly a more colourful time before graphics improved and every protagonist became a short, brown-haired, white, middle-class dude, which would only serve as a mascot for the Kansas City Dullards.

=== [[w:Persona 5|Persona 5]] ===
* The secondary portion of the game, the high school life simulator bit, will also infuriate the psychotic completionists, because you've got five stats to keep digging over and you've got all these friends and party members you need to spend time with to improve your Personas in their combat skills. But the rub is that most of your limited number of days only have two time slots, daytime and evening, and you can only do one thing in each slot. Can't leave with more than one friend at a time or just for an hour at lunch, no, because apparently, we exclusively befriend insecure twerps who couldn't be any needier if they were in a permanent vegetative state. And the game's also a little unintuitive about what constitutes time slot-filling activity; you can get the metro to the pawn shop, flog a bunch of loot from the last dungeon, take another metro to the bookshop in the red light district to buy a copy of ''Razzle'', and no time will pass at all. But sit down at your desk to craft one fucking lock pick and there goes the fucking afternoon! And then sometimes the game goes into a prolonged story phase and several days and cutscenes will go by with no opportunity to do anything else, so if you've got rented DVDs due back, then you can piss up a chimney, Joe Titwank.
* There's a comparison to be made with ''Mass Effect'' here — both games are about forming a Scooby Gang — but I like the ''Persona 5'' Scooby Gang members because they're underdogs, they don't open up to you straight away, and they're expressive. They're ''not'' alleged Sci-Fi super-soldiers with the combat skills of a dead salmon, they don't blurt their entire character and backstory at you because you asked them to pass the salt, and they don't emote like the same dead salmon experiencing PTSD flashbacks.

=== [[w:Outlast 2|Outlast 2]] ===
* You are ace cameraman Blake Something-or-other, who comes with his wife to hillbilly murderer country to cover a story, and makes the rookie error of showing up in a helicopter, which, in video game intro sequences, hold together like a Jammie Dodger in the back pocket of a pair of jogging bottoms. So the inevitable happens, and he's got to rescue his wife from both a Christian death cult and a Pagan death cult that appear to be at odds, but seem to find plenty of common ground when it comes to doing horrible, horrible things to Blake's gormless ass. Again, maybe ''Resident Evil 7'' ruined this with all that chainsaw-based overzealous manicure business, because I swear, ''Outlast 2'' is trying to break the &quot;horrible, inescapable torture in first-person&quot; record. Fucking hell, it's like ''The Passion of the Christ: VR Edition''!

=== [[w:Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3|Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3]] ===
* The game opens with a flashback to two brothers.  The older: Brash, confident, and already enrolled in the military — the younger: more shy and troubled, and looking to the older with hero worship. Now, if you think you've guessed which of these brothers will be our underdog protagonist, then you've been misled by your basic storytelling instincts, ''you big stupid cunt''. No, the protagonist is the ''older'' brother! And after jumping gleefully over about fifteen years of character development, we suddenly cut to the brothers on a mission to ghost warrior the bollocks off some fools, which ends with the younger brother being captured by some global supervillain group or other. We then jump forward again two years — what is this; the fucking summer Olympics? — when our hero, Mister North...  I've honestly forgotten his first name; it was either &quot;Jon&quot; or &quot;Rob&quot;, so lets just call him... &quot;[[w:Oliver North|Oliver]]&quot; — is deployed to Georgia searching for his brother, and finds himself up against a mysterious masked sniper conducting a reign of terror. Oh, goshington ballbags, I wonder who that'll turn out to be! Who will be behind that mask when we confront this person who snipes almost as well as we do, and seems to be interested in us personally? Will it be [[w:Whoopi Goldberg|Whoopi Goldberg]]? Or [[w:Cardinal Richelieu|Cardinal Richelieu]]? Charlie the Chipshop Man? Ooh, maybe it'll be the competent story writer who disappeared right before the game began!
* &quot;Hang on, Yahtzee! If the protagonist turned out to be a different brother than who you expected, that's a subversion of expectations! Isn't that a good thing?&quot; It might have been, if the brother we got left with hadn't been an insufferable tosspot. I think his in-game character profile says it best: &quot;North is a firm believer in America's role as World Police.&quot; Wait, ''what?!'' So our protagonist watched that ''[[w:Team America: World Police|Team America]]'' film, and didn't realize it was a ''satire?''

=== [[w:Prey (2017 video game)|Prey]] ===
* I wonder how far they're willing to push this.  I'm already having to call the sequel police every time they reboot an old game and not change the title, and now look: The first game to be named &quot;''Prey''&quot; isn't particularly old and, more to the point, is somewhere on the low end of &quot;bugger all&quot; to do with this new game called &quot;''Prey''&quot;. Watch it, Bethesda! This is the kind of bullshit that brings down the sequel feds! Alright, both games are about alien invasions, but by that logic it might as well have been called &quot;''Space Invaders: Episode 973''&quot;. This really goes to show how utterly allergic these bean-counting, creatively bankrupt loaves of chunky shite are to new ideas; they had a perfectly acceptable original IP, and still felt the need to slap whatever pre-existing name they could find clinging to the side of the rubbish chute.

=== [[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]] ===
* I think it is fair to say that the DC Comics Universe and its various adaptations could stand to take itself a touch less seriously. &quot;Oh, it is easy to be an armchair cinematographer, isn't it?&quot; snarks Johnny DC in reply. &quot;You try getting in a cheery mood when your films need to break 400 million on opening weekend or your executives will have to take a pay cut and cause the collapse of the local pool-cleaning industry!&quot; I'm just saying, Johnny DC, that Superman and Batman crying in the rain, smashing each other's faces in, and talking like pro-wrestlers with mouths full of cat-litter, might be drifting somewhat from the essence of those characters. That is to say; power fantasies for little boys  who don't want to tidy their rooms.
* Still, as I believe I said last time, the one-on-one fighting game and the superhero comics universe are a natural combo, as both are concerned with larger-than-life characters beating the snot out of each other for one incredibly contrived reason after another. The broad incredibly contrived reason running through the ''Injustice'' property is a falling-out between Batman and Superman over whether or not killing people is good. Batman takes the position that killing is the uncrossable line where all negotiation breaks down and vigilance gives way to tyranny, where Superman takes the position that &quot;Wah, wah! I'm really sad and cross and I'm not gonna tidy my room, so there!&quot;

=== [[w:The Surge (video game)|The Surge]] ===
* You see, what follows the prologue is a cinematic in which Warren gets all his new fancy cyber-bits drilled into his flesh, except they forgot the anesthetic, and he's awake and screaming the whole way through, as the camera zooms gratuitously in on the blood squirting out of his new shoulder-mounted shelf bracket. It's quite harrowing, and I'm not even sure what the point of it is. I'm sorry, ''The Surge''; perhaps there's been a misunderstanding. I came here for some exciting sci-fi action, but you seem to be showing me cripple torture porn. &quot;Alright, fine! Begrudge us a little fun. Bam! Now you're in a junk yard fighting robots. Go!&quot; It's that abrupt! Maybe if Warren had interacted with another human being during the wheelchair prologue segment, we could have gotten a handle on some context. As it stands, for all we know, the torture porn cinematic and everything following could just be some kind of &quot;How Not to Do It&quot; occupational health and safety video they're making Warren watch. But this is another callback to ''Lords of the Fallen'', isn't it, which also began with a pre-rendered intro cinematic that was largely cock-all to do with the rest of the game. So I guess this is Deck13's design philosophy: &quot;Hey, do you mind watching this video we threw together for a laugh while we finish nailing bread-bins and bits of old pipe to the main character's armour?&quot;
* I've said this before, third-person games:  Leave the right analog stick alone to its happy little world of controlling the camera.  You force it out of its comfort zone, and it's just gonna piss on the bus seat and ruin the whole field trip.  None of this was enough to bring out that hate I mentioned earlier.  Frustration, yes, but frustration doesn't stop me from playing.  It just means I'll need two Diazepam and a wank once I'm done.  The hate only came when I was taking on the third boss.  It's a big industrial machine with about nine things on it trying to kill you; fair enough.  But for some turbo-cocking reason, every time you attack one, the game auto-targets it, leaving you staring blissfully into its eyes as its eight friends are winding up attacks where you can't see.  Get past that, and I can start attacking the core.  But if you target it...  Fucking switches to a fixed camera, so I can barely see what I'm doing!  What's got in to you, camera!?  Is this about the pissing-on-the-bus-seat comment?  Finally, after much frustration and about nine hundred attempts, I've gotten the core on the ropes and I'm moments from landing the final blow, whereupon I glitched through the floor and fall to my death.  '''No!'''  That's too much.  That's gone right over the Tropic of Fuckabout on a JetSki full of dicks.  I'm ''done!''  Fuck ''The Surge'', fuck Deck13, fuck anyone who likes it.  Blimey, that's filled my schedule out for the week.

=== E3 2017 ===
* In hardware news, Microsoft have updated Project Scorpio with a somehow even worse name: the Xbox One X. There's already two X's in &quot;Xbox&quot;, you dozy gits; this name is starting to look like a defaced game of tic-tac-toe. And I feel bringing it out alongside the Xbox One S is practically inviting the &quot;confused elderly relative on Christmas morning&quot; nightmare scenario.
* Old Man Nintendo had a better showing, although that &quot;Mario vs. Rabbids&quot; game makes you wonder if Ubisoft is trying to steal their pension checks. Fair play to them; ''Mario Odyssey'' needed a new angle, and it found one: they've done &quot;Mario becomes a raccoon&quot;, and they've done &quot;Mario becomes a cat&quot;, but they've never done &quot;Mario becomes a tunnelling brain parasite&quot;. What is it about ''Mario Odyssey'' that screams ''Sonic 2006'' at me? Must be the cartoon characters interacting with realistically-proportioned humans, which is always faintly sinister, like Christopher Lloyd's scenes in ''Who Framed Roger Rabbit''.

=== [[w:Strafe_(video_game)|Strafe]] ===
* It's a deliberate edification of retro-style game-play with a subtext of nudge-wink, self-aware irony, and it's published by Devolver Digital because ''of course it is''! Even if it had tried to get published by something else DD would have burst in the window dressed as a highwayman and kidnapped it, because this is very much DD's shit. Devolver Digital breakfast every morning on a bowl of pixels and a tall glass of the piss it took out of something. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117115-Yahtzee-Strafe-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== [[w:Get_Even_(video_game)|Get Even]] ===
* ''Get Even'' is an odd mish-mash of elements, the kind of game that can only be described with a sentence beginning with the words, &quot;Sort of,&quot; and ending with the word, &quot;thing.&quot;  As in:  ''Sort of'' stealth action-adventure ''thing.''  Or, ''sort of'' sci-fi psychological thriller ''thing.''  Or, I ''sort of'' pulled my trousers down to show you my ''thing.''  The protagonist is named — and you might want to hold a fishing net in front of you or something because, when you hear this, your eyes might just roll out of your head — '''Cole Black.'''  He's a grizzled mercenary type bloke who sounds a bit like Sean Bean making out with a fat angry dog.  He spectacularly ''fails'' to stop a teenage girl getting blown to bits and then wakes up in an abandoned asylum.  (The world of videogames probably has special &quot;Sorry to hear you woke up in an abandoned asylum&quot; greetings cards; it happens so bloody often!)  With the help of a mysterious voice, Cole must use a third-party VR helmet to explore his own buried memories and piece together the events leading up to him ''not'' saving a teenage girl from being blown to bits.
* Oh yes, and then a prisoner begs me to release him.  And a bit of text comes up to none-too-subtly inform me that My Actions Will Have Consequences.  Of course they will!  Walking across a room has consequences — the consequence is that I'm on the other side of the fucking room!

=== [[w:Hollow_Knight|Hollow Knight]] and [[w:Dead_Cells|Dead Cells]] ===
* Not only is ''Dead Cells'' in pixel art — which is slightly gross already, 'cause it makes everyone look like they've been fed through a chipping machine and reassembled — but the main character is a lump of snot on a corpse, which is what I call admirable commitment to the grossness doctrine.  Well done, ''Dead Cells!''  Please don't touch me.
* ''Dead Cells'', if anything, seems to be trying to ''discourage'' meticulous exploration.  There are doors to extra bonus areas that lock if you don't get to them fast enough.  &quot;Fuck you, door!  Of course I couldn't get here in under three minutes.  I passed by six tunnels on the way here and had to be extra certain that they all contained flashing red-clawed death!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash_Bandicoot_N._Sane_Trilogy|Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy]] ===
* Perhaps the relevant question is not how accurately the N. Sane Trilogy recreates the Crash Bandicoots of yore, but how well the Crash Bandicoots of yore hold up in this modern, spoiled age of quick-saves, auto-aiming, and online wikis providing access to an entire global network of big brothers to get past the hard bits for ya. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117126-Yahtzee-Crash-Bandicoot-N-Sane-Trilogy-Review-Zero-Punctuation]

=== Fifth Console Generation ===
* The N64 had the power, the IP, and the good reputation; there was just one tiny little massive cargo container full of bat smegma sitting on the N64 railroad tracks, and it had the word &quot;cartridges&quot; along the side. Cartridges did have merits. They load fast and are sturdy enough to still work after you smack your brother with it for asking for their turn, but the same is true of an articulated truck, and you wouldn't pick up your dinner date in one. The age of the CD-ROM had come, which may well have been slower to load and stopped working if you used them as improvised weaponry. But in comparison, developing for cartridge was like chiseling the ones and zeros onto stone tablets, and third-party developers were turned off. Ultimately the third-party developers would be the king makers of this generation. Capcom gave their old pals Nintendo the cold shoulder and showed up to the Playstation's birthday party with ''Resident Evil''. Squaresoft batted away Nintendo's attempt to hold hands so it could go behind the bikesheds with Sony and show them their knickers, aka ''Final Fantasy VII''.
* ...There were many factors leading to the Saturn's failure. Some blame the cancellation of its one and only Sonic game, ''Sonic X-treme'', which would have been the 3D Sonic to counter ''Mario 64''. And yes, I think it's a shame we didn't discover early on that Sonic and 3D meet the way the German invading infantry met the Siberian winter. Perhaps a lot of later unpleasantness could have been avoided. But if you asked me, banking on a console mascot is playing the game by old rules that the fifth generation was in the process of rewriting. Mascots were part of the world left behind, the one that would be compressed down into a little, comfortable nostalgic ball that Nintendo would wear on its head for the rest of fucking eternity, like a space helmet full of gummy bears.

=== [[w:Pyre (video game)|Pyre]] ===
* Buckle up while I attempt to explain this: In an oppressive fantasy kingdom, literacy is banned, perhaps the most sensible response to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey books, you (by which I mean the player character, not the greasy, unpleasant, serial masturbator watching this) are a scholar exiled to the wilderness below the civilized world who hooks up with a group of fellow exiles that need you to read a book they found that tells them about the secret rituals that have the power to free them from exile. For some reason, it turns out the rituals all involve going up against a similar group and competing to throw a ball into the other team's hole. If it seems like a rather contrived explanation for the three-on-three basketball thing, that's because ''it bloody well is!'' Oh, yes, and during your odyssey-cum-basketball tournament, you attract several more party members, each representing one of the sentient fantasy races in a case of what we academics call the traditional &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;. 
* I wonder what the fucking target audience for this game could be. The overlap between people who like fantasy visual novels and people who like NBA Jam can't be the biggest niche in the world, but I stuck with it and after playing it all the way to the end, I think I'm prepared to say I like ''Pyre''. Obviously I dropped the basketball difficulty to low 'cos obviously who gives a shit, but I should have remembered that Supergiant Games are pretty good at this whole interactive storytelling lark, and scratch my scrawny scrotum if I didn't genuinely didn't want to see what happened to these characters! We call it the &quot;Bioware Bro Buffet&quot;, but between this and ''Persona 5'', Bioware seem to be the worst at it. Again, I liked the Pyre Platter more than the Mass Effect Andromeda Burger King Kids Club, in spite of them only being still images that didn't make any effort to emote — or possibly because of.

=== [[w:Splatoon 2|Splatoon 2]] ===
* As before there is a single player campaign, which looks like it was hitting all the same notes: hub-world, collect local equivalent of ''Mario'' star at the end of each level, profound sense of suffocatingly tedious repetition by the odd do-things-three-times boss-fight. I think it was the first boss that killed any interested I had in seeing the campaign through; it was a giant killer bakers oven containing murderous bread with angry eyes. I just don't see what it has to do with any of the established themes of the game, those being: ocean-going lifeforms and a slightly desperate air of 90's coolness. Octopi do not bake bread, nor could one picture Tony Hawk doing it. This, Nintendo, is why we don't design boss-fights right before lunch!

=== [[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice]] ===
* What does work pretty well is the whole mechanic where a door won't open until you find a rune in the nearby environment by standing in a specific spot and looking at, say, a tree, a fencepost, and the post-mortem erection of a staggeringly well-endowed corpse so that they line up into a rune shape,  That's a very fitting gameplay mechanic for the theme, because that's basically a sign of paranoia -- interpreting secret meanings and significance where none may truly exist, like when you hear a dog barking and take it as an instruction to gun down your neighbors (presumably given in a Scooby-Doo voice).
* I died a bunch of other times, and actually came worryingly close to the limit.  But that was from a very annoying section where you have to run from light to light, because hanging around in the dark too long makes you die of...  erm...  being extra-insane, somehow.  Which is just as irritating a mechanic as it was when ''Metroid Prime 2'' did it.  I had no idea mental stability was solar-powered.

=== [[w:Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle|Mario + Rabbids]] ===
* Nintendo, what the steaming cross-eyed fuck is this? I'm still trying to get my head around it. A crossover between ''Mario'' and ''Raving Rabbids'' using turn-based ''X-COM'' style combat? What is this, a fucking Mad Lib? Or did someone lose a bet? If only you'd won the beer pong tournament at the last game dev party, Sony would have had to develop a city management sim starring Crash Bandicoot and Pyramid Head. Look, I'm not ragging on you for doing something unexpected; I applaud that! If you only ever gave people what they asked for, every game would be an identical fucking multiplayer hero shooter with a range of unlockable nipple-tassels. But when you set out to partner up with Ubisoft, was ''Raving Rabbids'' honestly the best option to crossover with ''Mario''? I mean the ''Assassin's Creed'' series is also frequently based around jumping on people and already has a bunch of comedy Italians in it. Tell me you couldn't picture it; Mario in a little Assassin-robe, jamming a wrist-spike in an unsuspecting Koopa-Troopa to make coins fly out?
* There are eight playable squad members; Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi and Rabbid equivalents of each, and only three to a squad, so what if the player only uses Mario, Luigi and Peach the whole game? It wouldn't be Mario and Rabbids at ''all'' then, it would just be Mario murdering Rabbids, and we've been skating on thin ice with the racism thing ever since we gave Mario an outrageous comedy Italian accent. So the game flat out forces you to put at least one Rabbid character in your party. No explanation is offered, the game just greys out all the home-team Mushroom Kingdom lads if you've already got two, so if you want to team Luigi's long-range focus with Peach's short-range superiority, then you can eat feces fettuccine, my friend! This might be the first example of a gameplay mechanic introduced solely for the sake of the contractual obligations of its characters.

=== [[w:Destiny 2|Destiny 2]] ===
* ''Destiny 2'' has quite a long Pissabout Deferment Index, or &quot;PDI&quot;, which is the term for the amount of time a free-to-play or Skinner box game gives you to get settled in before it starts pissing you about. It only started when, out of nowhere, the next plot mission required me to grind up two more levels, which wasn't much; I only had to do a couple of side quests, or rather, &quot;adventures&quot;, as they are called here, which I suppose is one way to make them sound interesting. &quot;Ho, traveller! Are you a stalwart enough hero to 'adventure' to a place and shoot the lads?&quot; But then, after the next plot mission, I needed to gain another four levels to proceed, and, yeah, I guess I see what we're doing here now, ''Destiny 2''.
* It was while I was following a series of objective markers in order to get to a place wherein might be found some lads to shoot; I paused about halfway down a corridor to take a break from the sheer roller coaster of excitement the mission was turning into and found myself staring at the wall texture. We were in one of the several hundred ancient alien temples covered in somehow-still-functioning LEDs that Bungie have made across their career and the decor had gone for an intricate pattern of narrow lines and right angles, but then I looked closer and saw there were multiple layers of lines, some in sharper relief than others. I got curious and looked around the entire surrounding area for where the pattern repeated, and I couldn't find it! Every part of the wall seemed to be a unique combination of lines and little glowy lights. Who were you, mysterious wall-texture-designer-person with whom I feel a strange kinship as I gaze upon your work? What ambition spurred you through the years of practice and higher education that brought you to this place? When you dreamed of your artwork being hung upon walls to be viewed by millions, is this precisely what you had in mind? I picture them heading back to their cubicle to touch up another series of functionally-identical-but-slightly-varied wall textures and passing a meeting room where they overhear some designers discussing how best to word the latest iteration of &quot;going to a place and shooting some lads&quot;, whereupon they heave a weary sigh and add another few names to the workplace massacre checklist they know damn well they no longer have the balls to execute.

=== [[w:Metroid:_Samus_Returns|Metroid: Samus Returns]] ===
* The exception, as always, is Nintendo, who do not need to be told that nostalgia pays off, because they already carved that into the forehead of every fucking employee.  It's part of the induction day schedule now, right after biscuits and pointing out the toilets.  Seems they accidentally put their name on [[Zero_Punctuation#Mario_+_Rabbids|something half-way original]] this month, and the balance needed to be redressed.  So they spun the wheel of Nintendo policy, and it landed on, &quot;Remake Old Game.&quot;  Which shouldn't come as a surprise, as that option covers half the bloody wheel, with the other half split between, &quot;Make low-effort unwanted spin-off,&quot; and, &quot;Announce another fucking new console.&quot;

=== [[w:Knack 2|Knack 2]] and [[w:SteamWorld Dig 2|SteamWorld Dig 2]] ===
* Knack, for it is his name, is also an unstoppable fighter and problem-solver with a very good speaking voice whose existence is shrouded in mystery, and yet despite being the player character, he doesn't seem to be the protagonist of the story. That honour goes to a drippy little teenage twat who hangs around with Knack to form a highly effective world-saving partnership: Knack provides the muscle, the intellect, the lucrative royalties from his side-gig recording audiobooks, and the kid provides, err, a nice, flat head for Knack to rest his beer on. And yet the game persistently focuses the story on the little bastard and his problems as he whines about no one taking him seriously; maybe that's something to do with the way he sits on his arse the whole time, letting his bucket of Rubik's Cubes do the work. Essentially, Knack, and by extension, us as the player character, are treated like the family dog, who's let off the leash at the start of each level to run ahead scaring off goblins and German holiday-makers so that the human characters can hang back and scoff all the pork pies, and I can't remember the last time I was so utterly &quot;sewing needle under the fingernail to keep me awake&quot; bored while playing a game. ''The Division'', maybe, but at least ''The Division'' gave me a gun so I could compose satirical haiku on the walls in bullet holes.

=== [[w:Cuphead|Cuphead]] ===
* See, the rub is that ''Cuphead'' is retro-style, but not in the usual sense, i.e., pixels the size of Plymouth; it's deliberately fashioning itself after retro animation, in the style of Max Fleischer or very early Disney, and pulls that off with quite remarkable success! The film grain, the scratchy audio, the big brass band soundtrack, the fluid, exaggerated animation where characters all move like warmed-up gummy worms caught in the spokes of a bike; it all feels so bloody authentic! And most importantly, what a lot of people forget about early cartoons — here, we very unsubtly waggle our eyebrows at ''Epic Mickey'''s forgotten grave-site — is that they could be really fucking dark. See, back then, it wasn't generally understood that kids needed to have their delicate sensibilities protected, as odds were pretty good they were all going to die in a European trench war before they turned eighteen, anyway. So thematically, cartoons were lighter on wholesome lessons about friendship and heavier on skeletons and racism. So there's something overtly sinister about Cuphead, which might be from subtly wrong things like the drinking straw in our character's head — I mean, the teacup-head thing I'd buy, but who the fuck drinks from a teacup with a straw? That's just pushing it. But I think it's the overall scratchy look and feel that makes me think the little girl from ''[[The Ring]]'' could push out of the screen at any moment and start making comical trombone noises.

=== [[w:Hob_(video_game)|Hob]] and [[w:A_Hat_in_Time|A Hat in Time]] ===
* (sotto voce) Okay, Yahtz, you can do this; one more week before the big releases start, and then you can stop pretending anyone gives a shit about indie ga...  '''Oh! Hello there, viewers!'''
* ''Hob'' does do a good job of executing what it sets out to do:  The air of wandering adventure, of secret purpose, of boredom, of exploring the ruins of strongholds and cities once mighty if boring, atmospheric, boring, boring, boringly boring...  Don't misunderstand me, ''Hob''...  &quot;It sounds like you think I'm boring, Yahtz.&quot;  All right, I guess you ''haven't'' misunderstood me, yes!
* So I also downloaded another game later in the week that had some ominous red flags about it called ''A Hat in Time''.  Firstly, the title's ''rubbish''.  &quot;A Hat in Time...  A Hat in Time...&quot;  Just saying the words feels like I'm biting down on the side of a plastic cup.  Also, it's a Kickstarted project that pledges to evoke the spirit of retro 3D platformers, and that rang particular alarm bells which sounded like this:  &quot;''[[w:Yooka-Laylee|YOO-ka-LAY-lee, YOO-ka-LAY-lee]]...''&quot;

=== [[w:The Evil Within 2|The Evil Within 2]] ===
* Last time, my problem with the story was that the world had no physical coherence; you just randomly warped from horrible place to horrible place with no idea of how or if you were getting closer to victory. This complaint appears to have been addressed: it's established that the evil mega-corp has somehow built an entire coherent town in our kid's noggin, but parts of it are being corrupted by psychos. So now we do have a sense that our physical location actually matters, but the plot's still a mess: we establish our main villain, have a boss fight with him, then he goes, &quot;By the way, I'm working for someone else who hasn't been mentioned or established in the slightest, but he's the main villain now. Oh no, I'm dead! Bleh!&quot; Also, the relationship between real and virtual worlds confuses me. Everyone in the virtual world has a body in the real world, right? So why is Sebastian the only one we see in the plug-in room? Why doesn't our contact on the outside just go to the bodies of the troublemakers and stick an ice pick up their nose? We help one bloke escape the virtual world, but how did that work? They escaped, woke up in the real world facility, then politely asked the mega-corporation not to immediately shoot them in the face?

=== [[w:Super Mario Odyssey|Super Mario Odyssey]] ===
* Shortly, Mario is left in the dirt and meets the inevitable magical spirit character that basically acts as glorified mouse-pointer: the star child in ''Mario Galaxy'', the butterfly thing in ''Super Paper Mario'', the Roomba from the Rabbids thing. This time, it's a magic hat, and as has been well-documented of, Mario throws the magic hat at a living thing that isn't already wearing a hat, then Mario parasites their body and overwrites their free will like a ''Cordyceps'' fungus with a slightly racist accent.
* Incidentally, the mayor of City World is Pauline, who may be the same one from ''Donkey Kong'', but I'm not sure they ever directly admit that; probably a hard thing to bring up in casual conversation. &quot;Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but didn't I rescue you from a monkey?&quot; This is the same City World that's populated with realistically-proportioned humans, by the way, which, for me, raises the question of what the fuck Mario is, if not a human like these lads. Some frighteningly malformed species of hairy pygmy?

=== [[w:Wolfenstein_II:_The_New_Colossus|Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus]] ===
* But the stealth is like a blatantly rigged carny game where the cans are glued together and the goldfish have all died, anyway.  It's the shitty kind of stealth where every motherfucker on the map instantly knows your position (and least favorite place to be shot in) because you moved one quarter-inch out of cover to look around and were spotted by someone's hamster.  Thus begins The Cock-Up Cascade, and I hate Cock-Up Cascade, because it feels like being unduly and continuously punished for making one tiny mistake.  The commanders also instantly know where you are, and will continually re-spawn backup until you storm their office and chop all their arms and legs off -- like the exact opposite of the smooth, un-rattled secret agent you ostensibly are.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Origins|Assassin's Creed Origins]] ===
* Triple A games are now merely platforms for blatant attempts to fleece money from colossal dimwits that somehow have financial independence despite not being able to open a tin of beans without losing an eye. And then the publishers will say, &quot;Hey, just because we erected a giant sign saying 'Please jump off this cliff and dash yourselves to death on the jagged rocks below!' doesn't mean you ''have'' to do that!&quot; Granted, but I object to the way most of the game takes place in the shadow of the giant sign, and the rest of it is spent perched astride the giant sign. What I mean is, ''Assassin's Creed Origins'' is one of those Triple A terminal cases where everything seems to have been built around the giant cliff-jumping sign as an afterthought. Firstly, it's got all the usual variables: Character levels and XP, in-game currency, weapon upgrades, crafting items; 'cause of course, the more things you can quantify, the more imaginary prizes you can put in a loot box, the more you can base the gameplay around making numbers bigger and hypnotize the players into wanting a weapon identical to their current weapon except with a whole two numbers bigger more than they want their next ''fucking'' meal! I can't think of what other purpose giving every character a level could possibly have. It's certainly catastrophic for immersion, when anything more than two levels higher than you will just mash you into a fine paste even if you do get a stealth attack on them; one would think a hidden blade to the windpipe would be a pretty decisive argument-ender no matter how many press-ups they did that morning.
* Every now and again, you get to play as Bayek's missus doing ship combat missions, which I find mystifying. Does Ubisoft think we now ''expect Assassin's Creed'' to have ship combat, just because ''Black Flag'' had it and it was a little beacon of joy and light glimmering all too briefly from inside Ubisoft's churning mass? Because I don't want your ship combat if you're just cynically crowbarring it in like a nice ball of glittery tin foil to look at while we're getting sodomized over the recycle bin. 
* Look, I'm not mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''; I'm just disappointed. And bored. Mostly bored. I might have had a better time if the game had let me speed through the story campaign instead of forcing me to grind up dull, repetitive side-quests to reach the minimum level for the next main mission. I don't like the feeling that the game is fighting with me to stop me getting what I want out of it. Actually, maybe I ''am'' mad at you, ''Assassin's Creed Origins''! I'm so sick of all this; I'm sick of playing Triple A games that feel like they exist not because a creator had a vision and an idea that excited them, but because quarterly income projections needed to be met. It's like Blackbeard going into stock market fraud; yeah, it's more lucrative, but there's no freedom or adventure, and they won't let you carve tits on the figurehead!

=== [[w:Star Wars Battlefront II (2017 video game)|Star Wars Battlefront II]] ===
* I don't want to dwell on the prevailing loot box controversy because it's been covered to death elsewhere and I'm not a multiplayer guy; I was more pissed off about EA selling ''Battlefront I'' at full price with no single-player campaign and then sticking one in their second, equally full-priced game and expecting forgiveness. But then, this is an increasingly-popular strategy, isn't it? If you've done something shitty, follow it up with an even shittier thing and the first shitty thing will be swiftly forgotten and normalized. Take EA's advice: if you get caught cheating with your wife's sister, double down and fuck her guinea pig, as well.
* We kick off playing as Iden Versio, a commando and true believer for the evil Empire with a name that sounds like a low-market electronics company from Eastern Europe. She flies around the galaxy doing commando shit with her two squad members: Del Meeko, a slightly nerdy bloke with the word &quot;meek&quot; in his name, and Hask, a sneering Imperial blue-eyed boy with the word &quot;ass&quot; in his name. So here are the things we immediately know for absolute certainty will happen: the Empire's going to get its shit pushed in, Versio's going to switch sides, kill Hask in a boss fight at some point, and some ghoulish recreation of Carrie Fisher's corpse will probably call her a &quot;cool dude&quot; and give her a fist bump.
* I'd love to comment on ''Battlefront II'''s ending, but it doesn't seem to have one. You think it's going to have one, and then it just doesn't, but don't worry; a text caption assures us that the story continues in multiplayer. Well, ''fuck me'' for trying! There I was, giving the benefit of the doubt, only for the doubt to be farted on and thrown back in my face! I felt ''sorry'' for you, story campaign! I thought it was a shame you were forced to hang out with your ugly roommate who charges micropayments before they'll do the washing-up; I thought I could take you out by yourself and maybe we could all have a little fun and take our minds off your ugly roommate! Little did I realize he was setting up a fucking threesome!

=== [[w:PlayerUnknown's_Battlegrounds|PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds]] ===
* I mean PUBG, which stands for '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''onanza '''G'''oldmine, the breakout hit multiplayer shooter based somewhat on the concept of ''[[w:Battle_Royale_(film)|Battle Royale]]'', except ''Battle Royale'' didn't involve quite so many people running around in their undepants (not yet, anyway; don't put the idea in their head, you know what Japanese culture's like).  One hundred players are dropped unarmed and helpless into a deserted sandbox map, everyone who owned property in the area apparently thought that a small pile of guns and supplies makes a lovely living room conversation piece, the playing area gradually shrinks over time, and the winner is the last person to get shot, fall to their death, or quit in disgust after listening to the voice chat.  Because another thing PUBG could stand for is '''P'''layers '''U'''nabashedly '''B'''acking '''G'''enocide.  Seriously, the first thing I did was mute that shit 'cause I started my first game and immediately heard someone going, &quot;Niggers, niggers, niggers, niggers,&quot; and I know that sounds like something I'd make up, but I swear they were.  Hell, who needs to interact with the other players, anyway?  I do usually avoid multiplayer games.  After all, I '''P'''ersonally '''U'''nderstate the '''B'''enefits of '''G'''regariousness.  But I'm fine as long as I don't have to socialize and we can just mutely exterminate each other, like when I go to trivia night at the pub.
* And in the year when loot boxes became a symbolic evil right alongside toothbrush mustaches and Ugg boots, '''P'''layer'''U'''nknown's '''B'''urbling '''G'''randma's cosmetic loot boxes are taking a pretty sizable amount of piss -- probably up to waist-deep at least.  After my first boots adventure, I knuckled down and church-camped my way to my second loot box, dreaming of the next fancy cosmetic that would surely make me the belle of the morgue.  And ya know what I got?  A pair a beige trousers.  Great.  This'll be perfect camouflage if the next match takes place in an Ikea showroom.  So I knuckled down again until I got my third loot box which contained a pair of ''white'' trousers.  My fourth, which is about where I resolved to give up playing the loot box market, was -- brace yourselves -- a pair of black trousers.  Well, at least I assembled a complete spectrum of trousers.  Or to put that another way, I '''P'''ainstakingly '''U'''nited a '''B'''ritches '''G'''radient.

=== [[w:Doki Doki Literature Club!|Doki Doki Literature Club!]] ===
* The real turning point comes when the depressed girl commits suicide; that's the definite point of bollock descent into icy water. Although, her depression had been portrayed with a slightly uncomfortable authenticity, so it wasn't creepy in an enjoyable psychological horror kind of way; it was just really fucking sad. It happens regardless of what choices you pick, which, in itself, might be an effective premise for a game about depression: constantly reliving the same few days trying to save her and failing every time because her problems are too deep-seated to be fixed just because you accidentally felt her up on day three.
* But I might as well give it away now, I think the game's already peaked by this point; it's already thrown its skirt up and flashed you its knickers with &quot;Subversion of Dating Sim&quot; written on them, and the game has been given away, so all it can do now is try to psych you out by drifting into the faintly ''lame'' territory of the video game creepypasta. So of course, graphics start fucking up and characters start bleeding from the eyes and doing that thing where their pupils go really small and they smile a bit too widely, which is, of course, anime shorthand for someone being two gratuitous panty shots short of a ''Sailor Moon'' episode. And if anything, this all made me ''less'' creeped out. &quot;Phew, I'm glad you started bleeding from the eyes, 'cause things were getting a bit harrowing back there for a while with all that slightly-too-real depression and suicide business.&quot; And then there was all that anticipation leading up to it, playing the happy-clappy standard Dating Sim shit, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I can relax, because I see we've entered Silly Horror Town. Yeah, you go ahead and stab yourself, missy; couldn't hurt, could it?

=== [[w:The Inpatient|The Inpatient]] and [[w:Doom VFR|Doom VFR]] ===
* ''The Inpatient'' is a prequel of sorts to ''Until Dawn'', that branching-paths slasher movie game from a while back, and so it takes a few moments to remind us at length that our choices will have consequences; for example, if we choose to get bored and stop playing, that will have the consequence of a slightly more enriching afternoon. 
* I'm just going to spoil a lot of ''The Inpatient'', because, trust me, missing out on this one is not going to haunt you to your dying days. The thrust of this and ''Until Dawn'''s premise is that if you eat human flesh, you turn into a wendigo, right, and the main diversion of the plot is whether you turn into a wendigo or your roommate does. Now, in the former, our roommate is absent — presumably 'cos we scoffed down their entire body with French fries and ranch — but I don't get why the roommate becomes a wendigo in the other scenario, because we're self-evidently not eaten; I don't remember looking down at any point and seeing that one of my legs was chewed off. Just a little plot hole, but there's so little plot, one hole turns it into a fucking engagement ring.

=== [[w:Subnautica|Subnautica]] ===
* Lord, save me from all these fucking survival games. (There's an ironic joke in there somewhere.) They always start sensible with combining rock with stick to create stick with rock on the end.  But sooner or later you end up mashing together two mushrooms and a piece of discarded tinfoil to create a magazine-fed 5.56mm Colt AR-15, which you then rub on a small pile of turds for a second to add the optional holographic sights. Still I understand why they appeal. Where most games revolve entirely around the player waiting giggling just over the horizon for you to step into the designated minotaur area so it can leap out and start flinging minotaurs, it's refreshing to play a game whose world feels like it couldn’t give a shit about you, that its environment and life forms could muddle along perfectly well by themselves and which will kill you stone dead if you go twenty minutes without sucking any hydration from the tear ducts of a passing sparrow. Anyway, we've done crafting survival games in most of the standard Mario level biomes -- grasslands, desert, jungle, ice world -- so until they bring out a crafting survival game set in food world where we have to make spears out of Twiglets, here's a crafting survival game set in a ocean level, ''Subnautica.''  You are Rex Handsome, faceless mute space adventurer with the superhuman ability to not go all wrinkly when they stay underwater too long. Sadly he got this power by trading in his ability to prevent spaceships from exploding, and his spaceship explodes over an ocean planet with only three survivors: Him, one escape pod, and the Mars bar in the glove compartment. Now our hero must find a way off the planet, but in the meantime do the usual survival crafting game stuff:  Build a base, find food and water, explore, and remember to breathe every now and again, you dozy git. ''Subnautica'' is the kind of game that probably could have gotten away with procedurally generating the map and having no further plot beyond, &quot;See how long you could last and maybe find yourself a nice crafting project, like building a castle with a fire breathing effigy of The Allman Brothers on the top.&quot;  So I was surprised to see that it ''didn't'' do that. The world map is fixed and astonishingly there's a plot with an actual ending, where you get to leave the planet tearfully waving goodbye to The Allman Brothers as you go. HO, YES! That space ship disaster wasn't just a contrived setup; the massive wreckage is your principal navigation point for the whole game, and your first challenge is figuring out how you're going to loot it while it's on fire and pissing radiation like an incontinent dog from the Bikini atoll.
* ...''Subnautica'' always found a way to worm back into my interest pipes.  I told myself I wasn't going to stick around long enough to want to mess around with the base building element much.  I'd just build one scanning room to show me where the nearest Seven-Elevens are, and that needs power, so solar panel, but wait.  What if I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a disgusting cupcake?  Better have a bio-matter reactor as well, and now we'll need a little terrarium to feed it with...  This is taking a lot of stuff; better add some storage.  Ooo! there's a volcanic vent down there.  I could probably extend the base far enough to build a thermal reactor, and if we're doing that, might as well add some more rooms...  &quot;Hey, Yahtz, you still playing that game?&quot;  '''''WHO DARES TRESPASS UPON FORTRESS OCELOT ALPHA!?'''''

=== [[w:Kingdom Come: Deliverance|Kingdom Come: Deliverance]] ===
* After the death of the beloved Charles IV, his heir, Wenceslaus, of &quot;Good King...&quot; fame, proceeds to, in a very literal sense, fuck things up royally, until his half-brother Sigismund imprisons him and starts smashing up the countryside for giggles. At the outset, none of this means a whole lot to our main character, Henry, a peasant blacksmith's son who's more concerned about the day-to-day doings of a medieval peasant, which is to say, covering himself in shit. There's even a mechanic where certain speech and charisma checks are affected if you show up covered in shit, which is pretty fucking unfair, because it's medieval times, and the only thing that isn't covered in shit is the clouds, and only because no one's built a big enough siege tower.
* I reached a point where I was supposed to join a big raid on a bandit camp with twenty other lads, which took six or seven tries because victory was hinging on all my NPC helpers pulling their weight, and that was like expecting a team of sled dogs to help with your maths homework. But finally, we managed to breach the inner camp and Henry decides he's going to fight the bandit leader by himself, in a fucking Thunderdome. And then, I had to give up on the whole game, because I could barely get one hit in before he wiped the fucking floor with me!  Fuck &quot;realism&quot;! The &quot;realistic&quot; approach would have been to let me lure him out of the fucking Thunderdome and get my sixteen heavily-armed mates to pass him around for sweaty cock-slaps. But nope! Fuck player choice! Fuck your build! It's standard boss fights or into the bin with you!

=== Hunt Down The Freeman ===
* The staggering thing about ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' is not that it exists.  If we had to stop the presses every time someone made a shitty fan game, the presses wouldn't be running long enough to print a fucking Bazooka Joe comic.  The staggering thing is that this is a fan game embellishing Valve's story using Valve's intellectual property being sold for actual money on Valve's own distribution network, and therefore carries an unspoken stamp of ''endorsement,'' despite being truly, madly, ovarian cyst-ingly ''bad'' on every imaginable level, in ways that only bad fan games can be.
* The only reason I wanted to talk about [''Hunt Down The Freeman''] is 'cause of the depressing indictment of modern gaming it creates — not by itself; by Valve's apparent indifference to this waterfall of piss trickling down either side of its legacy's nose.  Twenty years ago, ''Half-Life'' was a focal point in gaming's ongoing development as an artistic narrative medium.  The next few years saw a ''slough'' of titles that combined triple-A game design with genuine emotional story.  But ''what happened'' between then and now?  Why are the games routinely rewarded with triple-A status and income ''exclusively'' loot box-infested live-service '''''bullshit''''' — games designed, not to inspire or stimulate our emotions, but to ''numb'' them and hypnotize us into lab rats mindlessly pawing the button that makes treats come out — while the games created with love and artistic integrity drown beneath waves of bottom-feeders like ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' that tear chunks of rotten flesh from the corpses of Valve's children, as Valve itself, once habitual founders of new ages of narrative gaming, merely waves them on, barely glancing up from their tax paperwork?  What happened to you? ''What happened to '''us?  To the people we were supposed to become?'''''  I don't know, but it's probably safe to blame John Romero.

=== [[w:Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom|Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom]] ===

* Now, I wasn't sure I was going to do this game, because you know what I'm like with JRPGs that aren't called ''EarthBound'' or ''Persona 5'': I'll be rolling my eyes dismissively at the first sign of hairdos that look like they were crafted out of brightly-colored mashed potato by an extremely bored child who can't leave the table. But precisely thirty seconds into the plot, I had a feeling I was going to have to talk about this one, firstly in a review, and then maybe in some kind of inquest into what the fuck Japan has been playing at for the last thirty years or so. So here's how the story starts: the president of the United States is on his way to a summit of the U.N. when the city he's driving through gets hit by a direct nuclear strike. Don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once; this is still ''Ni no Kuni II''. Moments before death, the president is transported to a fantasy world; specifically, to the bedchamber of a little prince boy wearing cat ears. Well, that's one explanation, anyway, but maybe you should save it for the hearing, Mr. President. Also, he gets de-aged about thirty years for no particular reason except it's the law that JRPG protagonists can't look old enough to buy a health potion without getting carded.

=== [[w:Conan Exiles|Conan Exiles]] ===
* I found a nice, quiet spot to set up base camp that was convenient for the river, the local spider cave, and the Rock, Tree, and Bush Emporium and started progressing my way up the tech tree. &quot;Make a stone pickaxe: one bit of wood, five rocks.&quot; Gotcha. &quot;Make a bedroll: one bit of wood, five leaves.&quot; That's done. &quot;Now make a wooden storage box: 100 bits of wood—&quot; Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was a fucking jump! I only wanted a foot locker, not a fucking Regency wardrobe with a complimentary portal to Narnia! &quot;Now let's build a tannery; that'll be 240 rocks—&quot; WHAT?! It's, like, three bits of wood with skin stretched over it! What are the rocks for?! You going to put it on a gravel driveway?! &quot;Well, we're just making sure you get the full intended experience; that is to say, wasting hours of your life banging a rock with another, smaller, pointier bit of rock.&quot;

=== [[w:Detroit: Become Human|Detroit: Become Human]] ===
* David Cage has only one tool in his storytelling arsenal and it is a giant sledgehammer with the word &quot;MELODRAMA!&quot; written down the side. His stories always play out like rampant human misery simulators as written by someone who's never met any human beings. Well, I suppose we know he's met [Elliot] Paige. ''Fucking hell'', do we know that! He probably puts it on his business cards. And just because the story's &quot;depressing&quot; doesn't mean it's &quot;deep&quot; or &quot;complex&quot;. There's a moment in ''Despair: Become Miserable'' where we literally watch an ugly man in a run-down house loudly explain to no one in particular how much he’s going to enjoy beating up his daughter in between puffs on his crack pipe. Half the characters in these games are like one-off villains from ''[[w:The Incredible Hulk (1978 TV series)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' TV series where they had to contrive an excuse for [[w:Bill Bixby|Bill Bixby]] to hulk out every episode, so they chuck a random, inexplicable asshole into the room to smirkingly give him nipple cripples for literally no reason.
* What's sad is that there’s always a great deal of potential in David Cage video games: I look forward to the day when he actually creates one! ''Har Har Har.'' He doesn't make branching-narrative video games, this lad; he makes branching-narratives and then tries to tortuously squeeze a video game into it. I feel like he'd rather be making films. He doesn't appreciate the essential differences between the way an audience engages with a game versus a film. At the very start, we play weird-faced lanky detective android in a hostage situation and we're permitted, and indeed obliged, to bum around the room next to the hostage situation gathering intel on the perp before we confront them. This also gives us the chance to learn a bit about the world we're in, which would've been fine, but as I leafed through a jolly interesting magazine the hostage taker suddenly shot one of the SWAT guys and the game went: &quot;''WHOOPS!'' You bummed around too long! That's going on your permanent record!&quot; I don't get it, David Cage. Did you want me to explore and immerse myself in this world you've created or did you want to maintain psychotic death-grip control of the story's pacing? 'Cos if the latter, then just make a fucking film! Or, perhaps more realistically, a choose-your-own-adventure book. Well, I say he should make a film, but he'd never hack it in films ironically because he's a hack. All his dialogue is clichéd and most of his ideas are nicked. I enjoyed ''[[w:Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]]'' too, David Cage, but you didn't have to enjoy it so ''bloody'' publicly! 
* I'd like to close this review by discussing one of the plot twists. [...] Remember that nanny bot who adopts the human child? Towards the end it turns out the child was also an android all along! Ooh, what a twist! An inadequately explored twist that adds nothing to the characters or story and may even be detrimental to it. I mean, &quot;Can a robot mother truly love a human child?&quot; was a question with some power to it in this context, but, &quot;Can a robot love another robot?&quot; Yes, they can! We ''know'' they can! We've seen like twelve of the buggers doing it already! It's just a twist for the sake of having a twist. In other words, it's a David Cage twist.  Sounds like a dance, doesn't it?  Hey, everybody! Do the David Cage Twist!  Walk stiffly around the room for 10 minutes, then reach for the sky — and fall flat on your face.

=== [[w:Agony_(2018_video_game)|Agony]] ===
* ''Agony'' makes me think that the phrase &quot;psychological horror&quot; is getting bandied around a bit too easily these days.  Psychological horror to me means something with more of an understated creeping dread about it — more &quot;OooOOHoohhh&quot; than &quot;Eughhh!&quot; and ''Agony'' is very much on the &quot;Eughhh!&quot; side of things.  (Yeah, fuckin' [https://i.ytimg.com/vi/mzK35c-tOKs/maxresdefault.jpg transcribe that one], bitch!)
* These basic mechanics aren't terribly well explained, and when I first saw the contextual icon for, &quot;Take bag off head,&quot; I thought it was the icon for, &quot;Push person over.&quot;  And since the person was standing on the edge of a cliff at the time, I was like, &quot;Jeez, there's no need for that kind of pettiness.  This is hell, not a staff meeting at a failing start-up.&quot;  Eventually I figured it out, but I suspect the basic mechanics weren't terribly well explained to most of the developers either.  &quot;We're doing a stealth game?  I always forget what that means.  I guess it means that, if you try to move quickly past the vagina-face monster, then it hears you and bites your face off, but if you carefully move ''slowly'' past it, then it will ''also'' hear you and chew your throat out.&quot;  Um, no, I think you're missing some of the basic principles there, ''Agony...''  &quot;Oh, right, about those 'hiding places.'  I'm pretty sure I know how this works.  You're running away from vagina-mush, you quickly get into a hiding place, then vagina-mush catches up, spots you instantly, and masticates your nipples off.  Wait! I confused myself; what were we talking about?&quot; [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117203-ZP-Agony]

=== E3 2018 Round-Up ===
* Bethesda stepped up and said, &quot;Who likes prerendered teasers that tell you fuck-all?&quot; ...Nobody. &quot;Well, nobody's going to like this, then!&quot; And we proceeded to learn precisely ''fuck-all'' about ''Elder Scrolls VI'', ''Starfield'', ''Wolfenstein: Youngblood'', and ''DOOM Eternal''. We did get to see an only slightly less informative, painfully scripted ''Rage 2'' video that I would only call &quot;gameplay footage&quot; because &quot;suffocating yawn-fest&quot; takes slightly longer to type. So someone at Bethesda must have said, &quot;We're making sequels to scrotum-pulverizingly good ''DOOM'' and teabag-squeezingly forgetful ''Rage''; which one would people most want to hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, I think that should be obvious!&quot; &quot;Ha ha! Yes, I suppose it is! ...Aw, fuck! Now I'll look stupid if I ask again!&quot;
* My goodness, Microsoft's conference showcased a lot of games! ''Cyberpunk 2077''? ''Just Cause 4''? ''Metro Exodus''? ''Shadow of the Tomb Raider''? Wow, are those ''all'' Xbox-exclusives, Microsoft?! &quot;Um, no, none of those are, but you can play them on Xbox!&quot; Yes, Microsoft, we could ''hypothetically'' do that.
* I suppose I could mention Ubisoft, but that feels like mentioning the colour of the wallpaper; they're always hanging about in the background, putting out their samey sandboxes with the clockwork regularity of an explosively copious period. New ''Assassin's Creed'', right on cue; set in ancient Greece, which makes sense, because the ancient Greeks were really into buggery. But what made me choke on my sherbet was when the bloke narrating the gameplay video said, &quot;For the first time, you will be able to choose between a male and female hero.&quot; YOU ''WHAT?!'' Am I on crazy pills?! ''Assassin's Creed Syndicate did'' that! What is the ''fucking'' point of doing progressive and innovative things if you're just going to pretend they didn't happen two games later and try to score innovation points a second time?! It's ''not'' &quot;progressive&quot; if you're progressing to the place where we ''already fucking are'', genius! I'm genuinely mad about this; I've got no more room to snark about ''Beyond Good and Evil 2'' now, and it's ''Assassin's Creed: Odyssey'''s fault!

=== [[W:Vampyr (video game)|Vampyr]] ===
* I went for the pacifist run because there was a distinct whiff of moral choice-driven story branching about all this, and my instinct is always to shoot for &quot;best&quot; ending, because it's usually the one that feels like an ending and not like I fucked something up. Vampyr may be an exception, however; it really wants to be a story about a broody vampire tortured by the clash between his urge to kill and his duty to heal, but after I didn't kill anyone, it becomes a story about a perfectly nice, if slightly intense, bloke who doesn't get enough Vitamin D. So the, quote, &quot;good ending&quot; was a bit of a damp squib; one of Reid's vampire pals try to get their melodrama on, going, &quot;Ooh, we are nothing more than killers and our blood is cursed!&quot;, and Reid's all like, &quot;Bollocks we are! I haven't killed shit!&quot; &quot;Oh, so you haven't. Never mind, then; let's get McDonald's.&quot; Now, when Reid ''says'' he hasn't killed shit, he is truncating a little; he should have said, &quot;I haven't killed shit, except for the 500,000 vampire hunters I murdered in standard combat.&quot; Yes, this is the rather glaring incongruity of Vampyr; there's something a little bit hollow about Jonathan Reid's quiet nobility and pacifism when he's just had to ''murder'' twelve identical Cockney thugs on the way back from the chemist.

=== [[w:Octopath Traveler|Octopath Traveler]] ===
* What I find iffy about the whole presentation is that I rarely get a sense that my ragtag bunch of anime misfits are actually interacting with each other. The first part of the game, you tour all the home villages, randomly touching people until one goes, &quot;Hello, random group of strangers! I'm about to embark on a very personal quest that will define the rest of my life! Why not tag along?&quot; And that's your new party member, smilingly joining up with a group of what might be cannibalistic serial tax-dodgers, for all they know, accepting that they're going to have to mutely witness the personal bullshit of seven complete strangers before they come back around to sorting out whatever put a hair up their own arse. It's particularly jarring with characters like Primrose, doing the &quot;I am dishonoured and alone and have nothing left in this world but my quest for violent, bloody revenge&quot; bit, never acknowledging the seven colourful dudes in varying stages of adolescence with whom she shares a sleeping bag every night. It's only right at the end of the game that any connection between the eight stories is established; before that, it's eight separate stories rather than a story about eight people. Every time you go through a new chapter of one party member's story, everyone else just disappears up their butthole for the duration of the cutscene. Sometimes, after a cutscene, a little button prompt comes up, and you can teleport the relevant character and one other party member to the Interaction Dimension, where they discuss what just happened, but I don't see why they couldn't have worked that into the scene; made it look like some actual organic relationship-building was going on, not just a spot of post-match commentary like Statler and fucking Waldorf.

=== Chasm and This Is the Police 2 ===
* [''This Is the Police 2''] has pretensions to cinematic storytelling, but, well... Here's my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene. I mean, I mean, this is me doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, right now. I'm doing it now. Can't you see I'm doing an impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene, viewers? Viewers? Viewers? Are you listening, viewers? You need to be listening to understand my impression of a ''This Is the Police 2'' cutscene! I think they're going for an ultra-naturalistic dialogue style, but if realism was the intent, it fell flat, because, realistically, if I were stuck in a conversation like this, I'd stick my head in the nearest bread-slicing machine.

=== [[w:Spider-Man_(2018_video_game)|Spider-Man]] ===
* ''Marvel's Spider-Man'' is of course a new sandbox game about Spider-Man, a genre that has seen one exemplar -- ''[[w:Spider-Man_2_(video_game)|Spider-Man 2]]'' on the GameCube -- and a whole load of Spider-Manure since then.  So let's get straight to the big question:  Is ''Disney's Marvel's Spider-Man '' a better Spider-Man game than ''Spider-Man 2?''  The answer is:  Yye-ees...  And that incidentally was my entry for the 2018 Most Subtext in A Single Syllable competition.
* So let me see if I've got this straight, ''Insomniac Games' Disney's Spider-Man:''  You're going to interrupt your high-octane big-balls web-swinging free-roam superhero power fantasy for the sake of some mandatory forced stealth sections playing as a mundane fuck going on a chest-high wall inspection tour.  And you're doing this so that we ''don't'' get bored.
* The exception to the &quot;no origin stories&quot; rule is Doctor Octopus.  He gets origin story for days.  There's like ninety million plot missions where you just hang around the lab so Dr. Octavius can drop another hint and make another weird face to camera, until you're going, &quot;''For fuck's sake!  We know he's going to be Doctor Octopus!!''  Stop arseing about and bolt some Japanese rape tentacles to this motherfucker!&quot;  ''Marvel's Disney's Sony's Insomniac Games' Stan Lee's Steve Ditko's Giant-Size Man-Thing'' achieves that wonderful quality of ''Spider-Man 2'' in which it was just fun and not a little Zen to while away the afternoon randomly swinging through the streets, stumbling on collectibles and little crimes to foil, which may ultimately be enough.  But I feel like saying it's a really good game is like saying the Bible supports the ostracism of homosexuals:  It's true, but only if you cherry-pick bits of it from the piles and piles of other ''stuff.''  [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/117230-Spider-Man]

=== [[w:Dragon Quest XI|Dragon Quest XI]] ===
* The plot [...] is, you are in Generic JRPG Swords and Sorcery Fantasy World, east of Java; you are the last surviving heir of a deposed royal house who was found as a baby and adopted by peasant farmers. There's a weird birthmark on your hand that magic occasionally comes out of, and you grow into a strong, handsome lad with a girl's haircut, so when you come of age, your adoptive parent takes you aside and says, &quot;Look, let's not beat around the bush; you couldn't be more obviously a destined fantasy hero if your high school graduation picture was painted by Boris Vallejo. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any global crisis going on at the moment that would require a destined hero, so why don't you just wander around the countryside for a bit, and destiny will presumably strike at some point?&quot; I'm not being dismissive here; that's literally how we start! You go to the royal castle on the off-chance that a kidnapped princess needs rescuing, but get thrown in the dungeon 'cos the king's played too many Elder Scrolls games and thinks that's just what you do with destined heroes. You break out within minutes, and the plot becomes &quot;go from city to city looking for the person who isn't one of the five or six endlessly-repeated NPC models, recruit them to your party, then do whatever they want to do until the next one comes along&quot;. By this method, we enlist to our cause a toddler, two hotties, an old man, a comedy stereotype of a homosexual, and an actual homosexual, and after the last party member joins, they say, &quot;What do you mean, 'destiny hasn't struck yet'?! All right, let's just gather the six Destiny Balls; that'll wake the fucker up.&quot; I only had three or four days to play the game in, so I was under no illusion that I'd finish the fucking thing, and I dropped out after the third or fourth ball. About twenty hours in, and still no sign of a big villain; couple of &quot;Darth Vaders&quot;, but no &quot;Palpatines&quot;, you know?

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Black Ops 4|Call of Duty: Black Ops 4]] ===
* That was when CoD: BlOps 4 laid its knob across my porridge for the first time: &quot;No single-player campaign.&quot; Well, Activision, as Milorad Petrović said in response to the Invasion of Yugoslavia, &quot;...The fuck?!&quot; &quot;We thought you'd be pleased, Yahtz. Every story campaign of every CoD game you've played in years, you've called racist and overblown and taken straight from what insecure NRA members see when they close their eyes and touch themselves; at least we didn't hire Kit Harington this time!&quot; ''Granted'', but having removed the single-player, are you going to charge less for the game? &quot;Ohohoho, Yahtzee! I can see why people say you're a funny guy!&quot; A ''hundred-and-thirty bucks'', the deluxe version costs!?! As the water treatment engineer said of his favourite outflow pipe: &quot;That's taking a lot of piss!&quot;

=== [[w:Return_of_the_Obra_Dinn|Return of the Obra Dinn]] ===
* The premise is you are an insurance investigator -- Whoa! Slow the fuck down, Lucas Pope!  This roller-coaster's off to a hot start! -- and you come aboard a hitherto lost ship that drifted into English waters with its entire crew apparently suffering from a bad case of not there.
* A degree of general knowledge is required to identify people's nationalities, or what a topman does as opposed to a seaman.  If it helps, topmen are generally concerned with the rigging and what goes on above decks, whereas semen is a white liquid that comes out of your penis when you think about [[w:Jenny_Agutter|Jenny Agutter]] too much.
* It's weird that the music's so annoying when the rest of the sound design is fuckin' top-notch -- voice acting, ambient sound, and especially the little radio plays that accompany the death flashbacks.  I couldn't say for sure if it accurately reproduces the sound of a bloke getting torn in half by a giant calamari platter, but it certainly made me cross my legs uncomfortably.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2018/10/31/zero-punctuation-return-of-the-obra-dinn/]

=== [[w:Fallout 76|Fallout 76]] ===

* People ask me if I worry about the future of the interactive arts in this era of [[w:AAA_(video_game_industry)|triple-A]] being a constant stream of soulless, exploitative knockoffs, but I'm not worried, because we've been here before. At the end of the 90's, games like [[w:Quake III|Quake III]] and [[w:Unreal Tournament|Unreal Tournament]] tried to convince us that we didn't ''really'' want artistic single-player PC games when we could just pay to run on hamster wheels all day, and look what the 2000s brought us. ''[[w:Deus_Ex_(video_game)|Deus Ex]], [[w:Thief II|Thief II]], [[w:BioShock|BioShock]], [[w:Portal_(video_game)|Portal]]''... It's always a ''phase.'' In the long run, the only eternal guarantor of success is a quality product well-made; ideally with tits on the front. The money to be made from knocking off what's popular and exploiting the stupid always dries up eventually, if only because the stupids die out from daring each other to headbutt the ceiling fan.

=== [[w:Red Dead Redemption 2|Red Dead Redemption 2]] ===
* Frankly, ''RDR 2'''s realistic world only impresses me the same way I'd be impressed if you drank a litre of cooking oil, more so by the effort than the wisdom behind it, because so little of what you see and do in ''RDR 2'' is actually fulfilling on a story or challenge level; the horse going &quot;plop-plops&quot; sums it all up nicely. I can't envision a scenario in which a lack of horse plops would knock a half-star off an otherwise-perfect score, but there it is, a drop in an ocean of pointless decadence. And this isn't one line of code, &quot;Horse_plopplops = 1&quot;; someone had to texture and animate it, and troll sound effect libraries for the ideal &quot;plop-plops&quot; sound, and they could've been using that time to cradle their children, or make something creatively fulfilling like ''Obra Dinn''. The fact that someone had to do it for their job makes me think of a restaurant manager loudly humiliating a waiter 'cos he thinks it'll impress the customer; well, it doesn't, Mr. Rockstar, and now I'm going to have to be very cautious about ordering the meatballs.

=== Best/Blandest/Worst of 2018 ===
* So we go straight from worst survival game to best.  Pay attention, every other survival game, because here's how ''Subnautica'' (title drop) stands out from the crowd:  ''Not'' using a focus on exploration and crafting as an excuse to skimp on good story; a beautiful exotic world so utterly hostile that you'll want to keep surviving largely out of spite; and, most importantly, ''no other cocking human players!''  Human contact is like Joss Whedon's ''Firefly;'' I tried it once or twice, but it's not really my thing.
* ''Rise of The Tomb Raider'' was my third most mediocre game of 2015, and now ''Shadow of The Tomb Raider'' has made it proud by hitting the number two spot.  Now that the reboot trilogy has finished ''sandblasting'' the personality off Laura Croft, any chance we could go back to the old one?  She might have been constantly pouting like she was trying to conceal an entire Portuguese man o' war in her mouth, but at least that was a facial expression of ''some kind.''
* The worst game of 2018 was, like the devil and weird sex practices, known by many names:  The Seven-Hour Snore, Hunt Down the Refund, Shit Down the Piss-Shit...  Call it whatever you like!  Just never forget what ''Hunt Down The Freeman'' was and what it represented:  A cringe-fest that unstitched its thoughtless patchwork of stolen assets to whip out its deseased knob and dispense blood-flecked urine all over a once-top-rate franchise with the tacit approval of its creator!  ''Fuck,'' man, what else is there to say?  I suppose I could say &quot;fuck&quot; again...  No, that's the wrong attitude.  It's a new year, after all.  Let's move on from the past and focus on what the future will bring.  [a copy of ''Super Smash Bros. Ultimate'' appears]  ''...FUCK!''

=== [[w:Super_Smash_Bros._Ultimate|Super Smash Bros. Ultimate]] ===
* So I asked myself how I would feel about a fighting game populated with all ''my'' favorite characters -- a game in which [[w:Modesty_Blaise|Modesty Blaise]] and [[w:Kira_Nerys|Major Kira]] can team up to bring down [[w:Horatio_Hornblower|Horatio Hornblower]] and the [[w:Riddler#Batman:_Arkham|Arkhamverse Riddler]].  And yes, I suppose I would get a kick out of that, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to who didn't know the characters.  It would only be the superficial appearance of Modesty Blaise with none of the nuances from the comic strip that make her a great character -- the personality, the backstory, the surprising amount of gratuitous nudity.  Actually, Smash Bros. has a close equivalent to that with Bayonetta and, sure enough, little of that character's actual personality is conveyed.  She's even depicted with realistic human proportions, which kinda threw me.
* At its core, it's about the combat, and yeah, it's Smash Brothers.  You mash buttons, and hope all those particle effects are coming out of them and not you.  Every now and again, your tiny opponent gestures vaguely with a limb that's like two pixels big on screen, and you promptly get blasted into the cosmos and you're left wondering what the fuck ''that'' was and how you were supposed to predict it.  So for a while, I was struggling along, not having much fun, but everything abruptly changed after I unlocked Donkey Kong, who I proceeded to exclusively play as.  Why?  Because A) He's big and cartoon-y enough that you can actually read his fucking movements; and B) he has this one attack that I like to call, &quot;Fuck Off I Win (Ook Ook),&quot; where he slaps the ground and everyone in a ten yard radius explodes.  I ended up challenging myself not to use it, because I jerk off sailors for nickels and even I thought it was cheap.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/09/super-smash-bros-ultimate/]

=== [[w:Gris_(video_game)|Gris]] and [[w:Ashen_(2018_video_game)|Ashen]] ===
* And that's why it's time for the first indie double-bill of the year.  Gratifyingly for my love of connecting themes, both games are named after a word that means, &quot;grey.&quot;  Not only that, but they're both words that mean &quot;grey&quot; that you might use if you're a pretentious twat.  Or French...  For all the difference that makes.
* ''Gris'' is a platformer.  There! I've just described the game about nine times more efficiently than the blurb on ''Gris'''s Steam page, which describes it as, &quot;A serene and evocative experience about pain and an atmospheric journey through sorrow.&quot;  ''It's a fuckin' platformer, all right??''
* It'd be a good scam, wouldn't it, claiming that we're playing co-op with uncommunicative humans indistinguishable from NPCs.  It'd be like an inverse of the Dumbo's Magic Feather trick.  &quot;Maybe I could have beaten that dungeon if the other guy hadn't been such a fuck-up.&quot;  &quot;Ha-hah! Don't you see?  There ''was'' no other guy!  The fuck-up was in ''you'' all along!&quot;  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/01/16/zero-puncuation-gris-and-ashen/]

=== [[w:Katamari_Damacy|Katamari Damacy Reroll]] ===
* Hi, I'm Yahtzee Croshaw, super-casual game reviewer!  What's that, games industry?  No new games of interest?  That's cool; we're all ''super-caj'' here.  Have a fun-size Twix.  Yeah, so I finally finished ''[[w:Celeste_(video_game)|Celeste]]'' this week.  I've been playing it ''super-caj'' style for about an hour every three months, and yeah, it certainly is a game.  It was okay, I dunno...  The way people were banging on about it all year, I was expecting it to fire streamers and ticker tape out of its nipples.  It's just like the ''[[w:Hellblade:_Senua's_Sacrifice|Senua's Sacrifice]]'' thing where the main character has a mental illness and therefore it's a masterpiece, and if you think otherwise, you're Hitler.  Oh, you ''are'' Hitler!  Well, that's cool; I'm ''super-caj.''  Have a Twix.  ''Heyyyyyyyy...''
* ''Katamari Damacy'''s greatness lies in the simplicity of its concept and the unrivalled catharsis in its execution.  You start out with pathetic laughable sticky balls that can just about pick up drawing pins and which get gleefully batted about by the cats that patrol the living room.  But then a few minutes later, after you're done hoovering up the garden furniture, you come back, and there's something very rewarding about seeing an exclamation mark appear above the head of a cat that once bullied you.  ''&quot;I see you remember me, Mr. Whiskers!&quot;''  After all, what good are sticky balls if you can't crush pussy.

=== [[w:Kingdom Hearts III|Kingdom Hearts III]] ===
* Here is my impression of a Kingdom Hearts character going to the toilet: &quot;Ooh!&quot; &quot;What is it?&quot; &quot;I think I need the toilet!&quot; &quot;Hmm... Hey, look! Isn't that a toilet over there?&quot; &quot;Right! Let's get going!&quot; Break into a sprint, bloke in a black trench coat appears, everyone stops dead. &quot;I wouldn't do that if I were you.&quot; &quot;What!? The Organization!? Why shouldn't we go to the toilet!?&quot; &quot;Simply because... I just did a very big poo in that toilet.&quot; &quot;Huh!?&quot; &quot;Gawrsh, if he did a very big poo in the toilet, it probably still smells!&quot; &quot;It doesn't matter.&quot; &quot;Hm?&quot; &quot;As long as we're together, we can take on the smell of any poo! That's what friendship is all about!&quot;
* I didn't expect to finish ''Kingdom Hearts III'' in the time I had, so I had just set out to play until I knew my opinion wasn't going to change, and that moment came at the Winnie the Pooh section. In-between two of the actual levels, it suddenly becomes important that Sora investigate why he's not on the cover of a Winnie the Pooh book; wasn't sure why he felt he should be, except his general sense of being the centre of the fucking universe, but then we go to the Hundred Acre Wood, and it turns out everything's fine and they just wanted to hang out, although they won't let you leave until you've played some insipid colour-matching games. Sorry, why was this important? Is the plot ''seriously'' being held hostage by Winnie the ''Fucking'' Pooh?!

=== [[w:Metro Exodus|Metro Exodus]] ===
* [Artyom] eventually discovers the hidden truth that parts of the world besides Moscow are still inhabitable and inhabited. In fact, most of it is, apparently, and Moscow has just been deliberately isolated by paranoid militants this whole time. Now, I'd never be so hyperbolic as to say that this fundamentally ruins the ''Metro'' series, or pisses on it, or leaves its hollowed-out corpse in an alley with an asshole like a rusty tuba, but it does mean that if I get around to replaying the first two ''Metros'', I'm going to feel pretty fucking stupid throughout as I appreciate the horrific, lonely atmosphere of a dead world and the uplifting moments of pure humanity in a seemingly hopeless situation, now knowing that there are fucking beach parties going on a half an hour up the motorway.

=== [[w:Far Cry New Dawn|Far Cry New Dawn]] ===
* The smug, charismatic psycho ''du jour'', the Twins, are definitely among the least effective or interesting villains ''Far Cry'' has produced; they come across like former stars of a 90's children's sitcom that went off the deep end: certainly hateable, but with no complexity or agenda besides wanting to laze around, living off other people's hard work. (Bloody typical of young people today, am I right?!) The only reason the Twins have any power seems to be that people like the main protagonist keep getting inexplicable brain farts in their presence; there's one bit where we're headed to a building to confront the Twins, and the Twins give us a ring when we're outside and say, &quot;Hey, put all your guns in that bag and then come in and handcuff yourself to the ceiling,&quot; and we're given no choice but to obey. Hypothesize with me, Captain Protagonist Person: what if we just didn't do that? What possible consequence do you think there would be if bursting in guns blazing? &quot;Oh, no! They might say something very fucking sassy before I blow their jawbones off with an LMG and leave their tongues to waggle like used condoms on an extractor fan!&quot;

=== [[w:Anthem_(video_game)|Anthem]] ===
* I imagine that working for EA must be rather like living with a toddler, drunk person, or [[w:Donald_Trump|&quot;President&quot; of The United States]].  Imagine BioWare's plight:  &quot;Well, now that you spent all that money getting the Star Wars license, we ''did'' make ''Knights of The Old Republic'' back in the day, so perhaps we could...&quot;  '''&quot;NO!  hATe StAR WarS!  sTaR waRS IS bOriNG!  CANceL aLL tHE STaR wARS!  I wANt THAT!&quot;'''  &quot;You want what?&quot;  '''''&quot;i WANt tHAt!&quot;'''''  &quot;What, ''[[w:Destiny_(video_game)|Destiny]]?''&quot;  '''&quot;YeS!  I wanT ThING thaT LOOks LikE ''Halo'' wiTH sOmEHoW eVEn LeSS peRSonALiTY!'''  &quot;Well, you can't have ''Destiny;'' it's owned by Activision/Blizzard.&quot;  '''''&quot;AaAAaGGgH-waAAgGgHH-WaaAGggHhh...!&quot;'''''  &quot;''All right, all right!''  I suppose we could make something that's a lot like ''Destiny.''  I mean, mindless online-only looty-shootys aren't really our thing; we're more about character-based role-play...  Oh, dear, ''please'' stop holding your breath, EA!  Look!  We made our own version of ''Destiny!''  It's called ''Anthem!''&quot;  '''&quot;UGH!  HaTE iT!  YoUR'e aLL fiREd!  WHy diDN't yOu mAKE a StaR wArs gAME?&quot;'''
*Meanwhile, show up at Gameplay Land and ask if it would be possible to play single-player, and the game reacts like you sat down at an expensive restaurant and ordered a bowl of corn flakes. You go to the &quot;Privacy Settings&quot; - once you can find the fucking things, 'cos this game has a worse menu system than a McDonald's drive-thru after a major earthquake - What is it with ultra-AAA games having shitty interfaces these days? Is it the same principle by which Las Vegas casinos are laid out, to get you lost and unable to glimpse the Sun in the hope that you get confused and accidentally drop all your money? - and your options are &quot;Public Match&quot;, as God intended, or &quot;Private Match&quot; for big stupid losers. Then, when you set it to &quot;private&quot; and try to start solo, a window pops up saying, &quot;Hehehe, sorry! Someone's CLEARLY made a dreadful mistake! Surely, you don't actually want to play a solo private match? Just click here and we'll set it back to public play so you can rejoin all the NORMAL PEOPLE!&quot; But I didn't click that, and then the tip on the fucking loading screen was something about how playing multiplayer earns more rewards and doesn't make the little baby Jesus cry. What the fuck is this, guys?! Am I on suicide watch?!
* ...The gameplay clearly exists on sufferance, and yet the main story is still surprisingly short and padded out.  The bit where you can't continue the plot until you complete a checklist of arbitrary gameplay grinds springs to mind -- a very poorly explained checklist at that.  &quot;Get five multikills.&quot;  What the fuck's a multikill, ''Anthem?''  &quot;Well, what do you think it is?&quot;  Erm...  Killing more than two enemies with one grenade?  &quot;Oh, good guess!  Wrong, though.&quot;

=== [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division_2|The Division 2]] ===
* But as we settle in to the primary gameplay loop of ''The [[w:Devotion_(video_game)|Devotion]] 2'', we see precisely how it intends to carry on the series legacy of staring existential horror.  As you connect with a safe house and a list of numbered objectives appear in the corner of the screen, knowing that all of them will entail the exact same thing -- walking into yet another exhaustively decorated large room full of chest-high walls, taking up position and waiting for another parade of identical generic bad guys to inexplicably leap out of cover in turn so you can pop them in the face -- and then you will grasp the true horror of your existence, that you willingly paid money to play what is essentially a right-wing gun enthusiast's version of Fifty-Two Pickup for potentially the rest of your life.  And in that, ''The Devotion 2'' is a true sequel to the previous...  ''[Yahtzee impatiently turns to the imp who has just appeared]''  What!?  What do you want?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  Well, what is it a sequel to, then?  ''[*whisper whisper whisper*]''  What, the [[w:Tom_Clancy's_The_Division|''boring'' one]]?  ''[*whisper*]''  Actually, that does make more sense.  Sorry, everyone, little misunderstanding; I'll have to start again. ''(*ahem*)''  Boring Tom Clancy Ubisoft Sandbox 2 is another The Division.  Oh, bugger! I've confused myself.
* You shoot bullets at the enemies to make their health ''number'' go down, so you can chip at your arbitrary ''number'' of objectives, and find gear to improve your '''numbers'''  in rooms with very large '''''numbers''''' of chest-high walls...  Some day they're going to refine this all down and make a game where all you do is press plus-one on a calculator until you reach the arbitrary point that makes a nearby person's chest cavity explode, and your calculator gets slightly bigger.  It'll make ''billions.''

=== [[w:Yoshi's Crafted World|Yoshi's Crafted World]] ===
* I must confess, listeners, that I'm a little bit biased against ''Yoshi's Island'' and its present-day derivatives; of all the chapters of what we might as well call the &quot;Original Mario Canon&quot;, I like ''Yoshi's Island'' the least, not just because listening to Baby Mario cry made me want to vaccinate him against continuing to be alive, not just because of the questionable way in which Yoshi would swallow enemies and then poo them out of his implied cloaca, not even because the aiming controls were shit (and still are shit, despite them no longer having the excuse that the controller isn't full of unused buttons and analogue sticks all hankering to muck in like a bunch of guilt-stricken white people at an African house-building project). No, the main reason ''Yoshi's Island'' sits poorly with me is that it introduced to a hitherto-perfectly straightforward series of platformers the idea that there can be degrees of success. See, in ''Mario World'', you can crawl across the finish line as tiny Mario with shards of tortoise shell lodged in your face, or you can break the tape with the tip of your giant powered-up stiffy, and either counts equally as a win; you can find your own level of success. But ''Yoshi's Island'' doesn't tick the level off as &quot;properly&quot; done until you find all the invisible secret places and end it with full health, and thus began video gaming's dark history of exploiting the &quot;obsessive instinct&quot;, something that set the path that led us all the way to our current apocalyptic age of live service loot box labouring; all it took was for one cunt to realize that that sense of fulfilment one gets from the &quot;Level 100% Completed&quot; jingle is something people might conceivably pay extra for, a cunt who will one day be remembered alongside the dude who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS.
* &quot;Mummy, can I watch this funny Internet video about my favorite ''Yoshi'' game?&quot; &quot;Of course, darling! There's hardly likely to be a reference to the dude that fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS!&quot;

=== [[w:Days Gone|Days Gone]] ===
* Of all the video game protagonists I've been unreasonably obliged to identify with, I struggle to think of one I dislike more than Deacon St. John. Even Jeffrey Cuddletrousers from ''Hatred'' at least had some fucking ambition in life. At least he knew how to express himself, and didn't just mumble into his shoes all the time. He didn't sulk and whine every time someone asked him to do something, like a teenager when the bins need putting out. And he didn't passive-aggressively criticize them under his breath the moment their backs were turned; he'd mainly just stab them in the face and shit. But the developers apparently thought Deacon St. John's &quot;dynamic&quot; personality needed to be a constant presence, so he has to comment on ''fucking everything''. &quot;Oh, I picked up a bottle. Another Molotov is it? Yawn!&quot; And another thing; stop second guessing my intentions, Deacon St. John! I walk two feet out of a zombie clear-out zone, and you go &quot;Ooh, I guess I'll finish clearing it out later, then...&quot; You'd like that, wouldn't you, ''you lazy bastard!?'' What was your job at that biker gang you used to be in? 'Cause I think it must have been taste tasting the crystal meth.

=== [[w:Close to the Sun (video game)|Close to the Sun]] ===
* Frankly, I think ''Close to the Sun'' presents a cautionary tale. If you're going to knock something off, maybe pick something that isn't really good and made by more competent people than you. Why not try to make, say, ''Ride To Hell'', but actually functional, and consequently infinitely less interesting? And then re-name it something like ''Days Gone''.

=== [[w:Rage 2|Rage 2]] ===
* So Rage 1 was a pudding-y fart in an overcrowded swimming pool, and Bethesda must've said to id, &quot;All right, fine, just make Doom.&quot; So they made Doom, and it kicked arse, and then they were like, &quot;Great! We've figured it out! Now let's make another Rage!&quot; Why?! Why are we still bothering with Rage?! And why do you have a black eye? &quot;I walked into a door. I mean, because it's a post-apocalypse story that desperately needs to be told, that's why! Now, let's make Rage 2, and they're definitely not making me say this!&quot; Well, let's give Rage 2 a chance; I mean, there might be a few things that a shoot-y drive-y post-apocalypse sandbox can do with the color magenta that Far Cry New Dawn didn't already do this year.

=== E3 2019 ===
* Funny, isn't it, how whenever a game talks about being &quot;over-the-top&quot; or &quot;tongue-in-cheek&quot;, it always seems to mean the same thing these days: that it's going to look like an irresponsibly violent version of ''Jet Set Radio''? Probably cel-shaded, every character's introduced with a freeze-frame profile and dresses like a Tank Girl cosplayer with colour blindness, and a lot of things will be magenta. Oh, yeah, and there'll be a panda, for some reason.
* But let's get on to some of the bigger stuff, like, for example, the giant dribbling cock that Square Enix tripped and broke its nose on, the one with &quot;Avengers&quot; written along the side. With ''[[w:Avengers: Endgame|Avengers: Endgame]]'' and the very distinct appearances of the main actors still fresh in public memory, wheeling out a game starring their stunt doubles left everyone a bit nonplussed, at best. &quot;Oh, come on, Yahtz! The cost of the likeness rights for these people could've paid for four more years of mysteriously-silent ''Final Fantasy VII'' development!&quot; Oh, fair enough, Square Enix; just show us how the Avengers game plays, then. &quot;Mmmmmm... No.&quot;

=== [[w:Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night|Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night]] ===
* I hope ''Bloodstained'' realizes what it has done; all we needed was a few more disappointing fuck-ups, a few more ''Mighty No. 9''s, ''Yooka-Laylees'', ''Broken Age''s, and maybe we could've all been completely soured to the Kickstarted retro callback. &quot;Oh, maybe it isn't healthy to never want to leave our youthful comfort zones,&quot; we could've all said. &quot;Maybe we should be open to new thoughts and ideas, for just as the gene pool requires variance, so too does art need a diversity of new concepts to avoid stagnation and producing nothing but the cultural equivalent of harelips and webbed toes.&quot; And you fucked that up, ''Bloodstained'', by proving the system can actually work, and now it's going to be Kickstarted remakes of ''Custer's Revenge'' as far as the eye can see. If you want a picture of the future, imagine General Custer's lovingly-rendered shiny bell-end slapping a human face - forever.

=== [[w:My_Friend_Pedro|My Friend Pedro]] and [[w:Sea_of_Solitude|Sea of Solitude]] ===
* I want to emphasize, though, that the core combat is really good.  I smash through a window on a skateboard, kick the same skateboard into somebody's eye socket, backflip over his friend shooting two guys at once, kick a frying pan into the air and shoot at it so the bullets ricochet into three other guys who were in cover and apparently left under some mad idea that it was in their power to stop me, and then, for the first time since initially entering the room, I touch the floor.
* It also does the thing where it goes, &quot;Oh, look, a sewer level.  How original.&quot; (*roll eyes*)  And then proceeds to unironically have a sewer level, that goes on way too fucking long.  '''If''' you '''know''' it's '''bad''', '''why are''' you '''doing''' it?  Surely the comedic subversive thing to do would be to ''pretend'' we're having a sewer level, and then go, &quot;Oh, bollocks to this hackneyed shit!  Let's have a level where you ride an ostrich through a bouncy castle!&quot;
* ''Sea of Solitude'' is one of those games that's either going to really speak to you, or completely leave you cold.  It'll all depend on whether you personally relate to Kay or not, and the more I played, the more I disliked her.  Not because she was an inattentive sister or any of the other reasons the game gives for why she's tormenting herself like this.  It's because she's such a fucking self-absorbed drama queen, she'll craft a grand operatic scenario out of her interpersonal relationship issues.  &quot;Oh no!  I didn't give my depressed boyfriend enough space!  Verily must I be clothed in the rainments of the traitor and banish myself to the wine-dark seas of nothingness to dwell forevermore.&quot;  ''JUST STOP TEXTING HIM SO MUCH, YA DIPPY MOO!''

=== [[w:Acclaim Entertainment|Acclaim Entertainment]] Hall of Shame ===
* It started in 2002 when, in the run-up to the release of horror-themed action-adventure ''Shadow Man 2'', Acclaim announced that they would pay the funeral costs of anyone willing to put a Shadow Man 2 advert on the headstone of a deceased relative, prompting public outcry and the Church of England basically telling them to piss off. Yes, Church of &quot;Tea and Crumpets with the Vicar&quot; England! Takes a lot to upset those lads; they don't even hate gays that much. Now, in my research, the name &quot;Steve Perry&quot; came up a lot; apparently, he was the executive coming up with these ideas, but I find it hard to believe that one person could be entirely to blame. Sure, I can see one executive descending from a cocaine-induced trance to announce, &quot;Hey, I know what demographic we should target: the recently bereaved!&quot;; what I have trouble picturing is the roomful of colleagues that then replied, &quot;Yes, we agree! What a good idea; let's action it!&quot; without subsequently making hasty, sarcastic eye-rolls at whoever was keeping the minutes. Later the same year, Acclaim promoted the resoundingly mediocre ''Turok: Evolution'' by offering a sack of cash to anyone who was willing to christen their newborn baby &quot;Turok&quot;, apparently shifting their demographic focus to the other end of the scale.
* Now, one might reasonably say at this point, &quot;Surely, it wasn't a serious offer to let new parents cash in on their future bullying victims! Surely, these were just shock tactics to grab headlines, the way a graffiti artist just wants attention and doesn't literally want to fuck the police! I mean, to be serious, there aren't enough hours in the day.&quot; Well, Acclaim would always insist these were genuine offers when pressed, and therefore, they must've been by the Universal Law of No Take-Backsies, but they also claim that the baby name idea was taken from a marketing expert named Simeon Cantrell who, it turned out, didn't exist; who wrote a book whose ISBN number, in truth, belonged to a book of children's knock-knock jokes. All of which indicates that at least one person at Acclaim was treating this as a big, ironic gag that would send them laughing all the way to the bank, but Acclaim was still losing money, so it was more like a forced chuckle all the way to the dole office.

=== [[w:Rebel Galaxy Outlaw|Rebel Galaxy Outlaw]] ===
* Back before ''[[w:Mass Effect|Mass Effect]]'' finished itself off with all the grace and elegance of the last season of ''[[w:Game of Thrones|Game of Thrones]]'' wanking into a bin, whenever I played one of those games, it always struck me how you only ever saw that universe from the top of the social heap; from the perspective of a universally famous and respected galactic saviour who could swan about on the best ship ever, decking journalists with impunity and being extremely flighty about what his favourite store on the Citadel is. I always wondered what the ''Mass Effect'' universe was like to the average fuck, just about qualified to reverse their space van out of their own space driveway and deliver crates of flavourless nutrient paste to the worker cubes; how did they feel about Commander Shepard? Were they happy with the flavour of ice cream they got at the end of ''[[w:Mass Effect 3|Mass Effect 3]]''? Well, I guess we'll never know now, since after ''[[w:Mass Effect: Andromeda|Mass Effect: Andromeda]]'', more ''Mass Effect'' is about as hotly demanded as the ''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]] Bumper Fun Activity Book for Kids''.

=== Remnant: From The Ashes ===
*''Remnant (huurk) From the Ashes'' is a third-person action-adventure with a grim tone set in a dying world- it's a ''Dark Souls'' clone, isn't it? &quot;Yes, Yahtzee, that's why we thought you would like it, since you feel about Dark Souls the way a starving tiger feels about something tigers particularly enjoy eating!&quot; Yeah, but it feels like half the original IPs these days are Dark Souls clones. You're like grandparents, you are; I show up to your house in orange trousers one fucking time and now you get me a new pair of orange trousers every fucking Christmas. So come on then, what's this one's gimmick? &quot;Well, it's ''Dark Souls'', but with guns!&quot; So, ''Bloodborne'', then? &quot;''NO'', SHUT UP! It's ''Dark Souls'' with a full-on third-person shooter: over-the-shoulder, iron sights, the whole steaming cow pat.&quot; So, it's Dark Souls but combined with the other 50% of every game that comes out these days?

=== [[w:Gears_5|Gears 5]] ===
* Well, anyway, the war against the Locust, I mean the Lambent, I mean the Swarm, I mean actually I think it's the Locust again now, continues, and is showing no sign of clearing up because this game ends on an unsatisfying cliffhanger.  I guess Microsoft are still paying off the death-ray satellite.
* Want to know how to do a ''Gears of War'' witticism?  Step One: Say something relevant but completely obvious, to stir the players from the latest trance the combat put them into.  Step Two:  Continue talking uselessly until I hate you: &quot;We need to go over there, and by 'over there,' I mean towards that big scary building full of enemies.&quot;  &quot;Oh, great.  So what's the ''good'' news?&quot;  &quot;Well, the good news is that I'm very handsome and glib and...&quot;  '''''SHUT THE FUCK UUuuUUuuUP!!'''''  &quot;...Okay, but by &quot;shut the fuck up,&quot; do you mean...?&quot;  '''''OH, MY GOD!!'''''  Why can't you just accept that Joss Whedon will never hire you? [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/09/25/gears-5-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Contra: Rogue Corps|Contra: Rogue Corps]] ===
* Set after the alien wars depicted in the retro ''Contras'', ''Contra: Rogue Corps'' is concerned with a mysterious alien city that rises from the ruins, which is supposed to be full of treasure that we assuredly want, but doesn't seem to be doing anything besides sitting there and having treasure and monsters, which is a classic example of a &quot;non-plot.&quot; A depressingly common setting for live-service multiplayer video games: A plot with no active villain, or ticking clock, or clear solution, just an environment with a sense of permanent, non-specific peril that can never change or develop for fear that XxNobChopsxX might stop his grindy, 8-hour quest to make themselves able to grind 1.8% more efficiently.
* Between missions, we go back to home base and have to deal with the &quot;looty&quot; half of &quot;looty-shooty&quot; by laboriously sorting through our latest crop of equips and weapon add-ons that apply completely mystifying upgrades. &quot;+5% defence against generic damage&quot;? What the fuck is &quot;generic&quot; damage? Damage that basically does the job but isn't focused on innovating at this time?

=== [[w:Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Breakpoint|Ghost Recon Breakpoint]] ===
* ...Let's not forget, you can buy what's termed &quot;timesavers&quot;; so first we buy your game, Ubisoft, and then you charge us more money to not have to play it? If I paid double price up front, would you just not give it to me at all? Take a step back, people, because this has all gotten way too fucking normalized. When you charge money for something you can produce infinitely at zero cost, like in-game currency, that's not a service; that is the fucking death of economics as a concept. How the fuck did we get here from basic principles of trade?! It's like walking up to a dude in the stocks in the village square and saying, &quot;If you give me three turnips, I'll spit in your face.&quot;

=== [[w:Indivisible (video game)|Indivisible]] ===
* The plot concerns the infuriatingly awkwardly-spelled Ajna, a spunky teenage girl in a ''[[w:Ni no Kuni|Ni no Kuni]]''-esque dog's breakfast fantasy world where forest villages and steampunk cities rub shoulders like slightly-acquainted colleagues in an undersized lift, who has been trained as a fighter from birth by her stern dad, and has only just established her protagonist credentials when she returns to her forest village to find it being forest pillaged by an imperialist army of baddies, and her stern dad has been made stone dead. Yeah, I'm guessing you weren't shooting for the &quot;Creative Writing&quot; prize, were you, Lab Zero? Shall I put us down for &quot;Standard RPG Fantasy Package A-12&quot;, then? Please direct me to the first of the several teenagers we will be enlisting to aid us in murdering God. Still, we're thrown a bit of a curveball early on when, while fighting the Imperial soldier who stone-deaded our stern dad, said soldier inexplicably turns into a spirit and is absorbed by Ajna's consciousness, 'cause it turns out Ajna has a secret god power that lets her draw people into herself and then get them to fight for her; sort of like ''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]'', but with human beings, and therefore, somehow even more ethically questionable.
* The problem is, there's a moment in the game - and it's remarkable how finely I can pinpoint it - where an invisible lever gets thrown and the bottom drops out, and it stops being fun. It's about the point when you meet the pirate lesbian, and the world opens up, and you know we're in trouble when a pirate lesbian marks anything but an upturn in events. The problem is in the numbers; I don't know if they were originally making another fighting game and just got bored, but that might explain the ridiculous number of party members you get. This is some ''[[w:Chrono Cross|Chrono Cross]]''-level shit; the primest real estate in the world is a teenage girl's noggin, apparently, and Ajna's beating the tenants off with a stick. But the combat isn't very deep, and all that really matters is doing the most damage as fast as you can, so you might as well just find four guys you like and stick with them. And post-pirate lesbian, something goes horribly wrong with the enemy's stats; I went into battle with a small, unassuming frog, bum-bounced them between my four lads for twenty minutes, then in that awkward post-coital cigarette-break while I wait for everyone's bars to refill, I realized that the frog still had nine-tenths of their health bar left. ''I hit that frog 400 times!'' In a sane world, they would no longer have more than one dimension, ''let alone health points!'' And they couldn't do much damage to me, either, so now I'm just disinterestedly doing my super-combo six times to kill ''one'' fucking frog! I feel like [[w:Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninoff]] playing for pocket change in a dive bar, and the crowd won't stop requesting &quot;[[w:Free Bird|Free Bird]]&quot;.

=== [[w:The Outer Worlds|The Outer Worlds]] ===
* The Obsidian-brand depth of player choice is here; you can even side with the corporations if you want, but they are both evil and failing horribly, so it's like betting on [[w:Nazi Germany|the Nazis]] to win World War II even as [[w:Magda Goebbels|Magda Goebbels]] is biting down on her suicide pill.

=== 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup ===
* Deck13's &quot;sci-fi ''Dark Souls'' with industrial lifting equipment&quot; returns with better parrying mechanics and not so much cripple torture porn, finally raising the series to the dizzy heights of &quot;basically okay&quot;. I think I'm already seeing the inherent issue with this video's premise: most games that I didn't feel like reviewing when they came out were just &quot;fine&quot;. It's hard to get your bile churning about something that's &quot;fine&quot;, but I'll give it a go: &quot;Urgh, [''{{w|The Surge 2}}'']! Your level design is so fucking mildly confusing, it makes me want to vomit diarrhea out of my nose! And oh God, if I have to fight another fucking generic dude with misplaced {{w|IKEA}} parts glued to their armpits, I'm going to, erm... shit earwax out of my piss-hole.&quot;

* [''{{w|Code Vein}}''] is another Souls-like with combat that's generally FINE and boring level design, but it has one thing that makes it notable: it's the most {{w|anime}} game I've ever played. This is a game where the character customizer has 90 billion hairdos and two noses; a game where one of the facilities in your home base is a {{w|onsen|hot spring}}, and if you get in it, female characters will show up in skimpy towels. This is a thing that happens. It built a {{w|fan service}} hot springs episode into its fucking mechanics! And after the second main boss in a row was a giant demonic stripper with their {{w|breast physics|juicy jugs flapping about}}, I made the decision to stop playing before my {{w|Amazon (company)|Amazon}} recommendations became too embarrassing.

* [''[[w:Outer Wilds|Outer Wilds]]'']'s nice when you're roaming the skies with a song in your heart. It's less nice you're lost in an underground labyrinth trying to find a fucking outpost you found two loops ago, but couldn't finish exploring because you misfired your jetpack, fell, broke both your legs and then the sun exploded. It's a game that can simultaneously be very chilled out and very demoralizing. Like going bankrupt because you blew all your money on BBC nature documentaries.

=== 2019 Best, Worst, and Blandest ===
* And so ends the year Two Thousand Nineteen / What a cascade of failure and pain it has been / Out came the games to not that much cheer / But lots of hostility, and yawning, and sneers / That made all the publishers recoil in fear / And push back the games that looked good to next year / But no amount of pushback would have been enough / To lift our poor industry out of the trough / Of artless, 'sploitational, grind-a-thon guff / Of loot-box live service, and all of that stuff / But anyway, to close out Two Thousand Nineteen / The best, and the worst, and the blandest I've seen.
* I was hesitant to reward ''Bloodstained'' just for being ''Castlevania: Symphony of The Night'', but it isn't that, really.  What it is is exactly what I wanted: For ''Castlevania'' to stop pissing about and pack all the good ideas it's had into one game that we can finally call good without qualification.  &quot;Okay, but I can I make the protagonist wear a silly hat?&quot;  Yes, Koji Igarashi, have all the silly hats you want.  &quot;I will!&quot;
* ''Anthem'' is mind-numbing live service tosh with fewer original ideas than a BBC daytime television commissioner, but that's not why it's topping my &quot;blandest&quot; list.  The real reason?  Because while I was writing down the obvious candidates -- ''Days Gone'', ''Ghost Recon'' -- I suddenly noticed ''Anthem'' on the list of 2019 releases, and thought, &quot;Huh.  I completely forgot about that.&quot;  And ''that'', viewers, is what gives you the edge in a mediocrity contest.  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019-best-worst-and-blandest-zero-punctuation/]

=== The 2010s' Most Significant Games ===
* The history of gaming in the 2010s could theoretically be told entirely in open world games. If I were to pick that represents them all, I'd probably go for ''Far Cry 3'', which was pretty good, but it was where an unpleasant trend was being to crystallise - the sandbox game becoming less &quot;open-ended cathartic adventure&quot; than &quot;gigantic, three-dimensional checklist of busywork&quot;, its maps splattered with identical, copy-pasted challenges and collectibles designed mainly to torment the obsessive-compulsive, with a primary gameplay loop best summarized as &quot;tidying up&quot;. Where the stories gradually devolved into withered strands of linear tutorial missions that don't even have proper endings, 'cos we have to go straight back to the sandbox afterwards to hunt for the remaining five hundred sliver pinecones.

=== [[w:MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries|MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries]] &amp; [[w:Wattam|Wattam]] ===
* Wattam's blurb states that it's a game about friendship, but I don't agree that it is. What this game is really saying is that the only way to be accepted by society and your peers is to blindly follow instructions, and that if someone chews you up and shits you out you should just be grateful for the attention. So apparently it’s a metaphor for your first job after leaving college.

=== [[w:The_Walking_Dead:_Saints_%26_Sinners|The Walking Dead: Saints &amp; Sinners]] ===
* If I'm serious about VR being good and the way forward for immersive gaming -- and I should stress I do genuinely think that; people tell me they often can't tell if I'm being sarcastic because I have what's medically known as Resting Bitch Voice -- then, like the [[w:Coronavirus|coronavirus]], we'd all better get used to hearing about it.
* The first area in which ''The Walking Dead: Baits &amp; Switches'' exceeds ''Boneworks'' is story, because it actually fucking has one.  The city of New Orleans has been classically zombie-apocalypsed, and catastrophically flooded as well -- although apparently that was unrelated.  That was just, y'know, Tuesday.
* But somehow they [the weapons] don't have the same satisfying feel.  It's the little things.  It's the sound; it's the slides being a bit more finicky.  It's the way ammunition doesn't go in to the gun so much as disappear the moment it's vaguely near it:  &quot;GUN-TOR ACCEPTS YOUR SACRIFICE!  (*om-nom-nom-nom-nom!*)  YOU ARE GRANTED A BOON OF SIX MORE DEAD CUNTS!&quot;

=== [[w:Dreams (video game)|Dreams]] ===
* I made sure to leave a like on the small number of games that I felt got into the right spirit of things, offering nice straightforward gameplay loops, occasionally even original ones, and as I looked around at the colourful menus and the careful curation algorithms at work, I found myself thinking &quot;Y'know, it'll be a real shame when this all gets taken over by perverts.&quot; These things always are, Media Molecule. The ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' fans are the warning sign. Now Sonic fans aren't necessarily perverts, basketball players aren't necessarily tall but it fucking helps. Sooner or later they bring in that one character who's a bat with tits and the furries have got a foot in your door. Remember ''[[w:Second Life|Second Life]]''? Once a lovely wholesome attempt at a community-created online world of pure imagination, now just zebra dicks and yiff piles as far as the eye can see. The earnest creators will all return or graduate to more efficient systems once the novelty wears off and then all your fancy 3D art tools are so much fantasy penis shaping equipment. What're you gonna do, screen all incoming content for the rest of your fucking life? Smarter and more dedicated people than you have tried to hold back the masturbators, and the masturbators always win, probably because they've got all the stamina.

=== [[w:Black Mesa (video game)|Black Mesa]] ===
* ''Black Mesa'''s Xen is three or four times longer than the original, which I'm not sure is the solution I'd have gone for. &quot;Oh, you don't want your broccoli? Well here’s three times as much, bitch, and if you don't learn to like it I'm going to start pushing it up your nose.&quot; I suppose having worked on it for years they wanted to prove they weren't ''Duke Nukem Forever''-ing that whole time, and that is most certainly proved. The cosmic vistas are spectacular, every inch of effort is on display, and while it is overlong and the quality has its dips, some bits are pretty forgettable and some chug along like the early morning hangover shits, there’s enough of a sense of wonder about it that I wasn’t unengaged. Trouble is, I don't think it addresses the actual issue with Xen – we just spent umpteen hours tactically combatting our way through an ever-evolving narrative about a research facility disaster and military cover-up and this ''Metroid'' meets ''American McGee's Alice'' bad acid trip at a children's ball pit full of tricky platforming and bullet spongey bosses doesn’t feel like a payoff for what was set up.

=== [[w:Ori and the Will of the Wisps|Ori and the Will of the Wisps]] ===
* The usual indie arty platformer theme of small innocent child in big scary world is like the missionary position. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, some interesting things have been done with it, but when it's all you fucking do you'll swiftly be desperately hankering to break the monotony with just one suck job or nipple clamp. The thing about small child scary world though is that it rarely does sequels, because the underlying theme of small child scary world is coming of age and/or loss of innocence, and you can’t lose your innocence twice. Well, I suppose you could lose it in stages. Say, lose half when you find out that Santa isn’t real, lose the other half the first time you take it up the arse.
* Once again the nebulous negative force we’re up against is &quot;the darkness&quot;, which has no agenda beyond making all the nice people sad and the local boss monsters bastards, requiring that we help out through therapeutic beating the glowing snot out of them. Look, I know this isn't ''Tinker Tailor Soldier Cat Rabbit Thing'' and I shouldn't expect complex plotting from my fantasy animal platformers, but the mythic tone and sweeping soundtrack makes me think that it thinks its story is epic and profound, when it's actually kinda shallow. Drive out the darkness and restore the light? Ooh, good idea, maybe I wouldn't bump into things so much. The game's backed by Microsoft and there's a vibe of corporate committee thinking around it. It reminds me of how Hollywood pumps its most crassly gigantic budgets into movies with no more profound message than &quot;it's bad to murder everyone with explosions&quot; because any more controversial statement would offend the Chinese government.

=== [[w:Doom Eternal|Doom Eternal]] ===
* ''Doom Eternal'' is the sequel to ''[[w:Doom (2016 video game)|Doom 2016]]'', in which we step back into the chunky, elephantine boots of THE DOOM SLAYER, and the plot picks up where ''Doom 2016'' left off, give or take an explanation for how we escaped from Mars, and where we got a fucking spaceship from, or how demons have conquered most of Planet Earth. Okay, so maybe it doesn't start where ''Doom 2016'' left off, although the &quot;demons invading Earth&quot; bit, we could probably have safely assumed. Ooh, what has humanity learned from the previous disaster? The usual amount: somewhere in the region between &quot;bugger&quot; and &quot;all&quot;. How timely. But as for how THE DOOM SLAYER got here, maybe that was explained in the DLC or a comic book somewhere; and incidentally, I do appreciate how it's now canon that THE DOOM SLAYER does actually talk like he did in the Doom comic book: like an abattoir worker on enough coke to floor an elephant seal.

* THE DOOM SLAYER is an unfettered, chaotic id who only wants to kill demons and find collectible Happy Meal toys; in other words, he's the player of a mindless shooter game. But the central gag of the character is that all the other characters in the plot are looking for meaning and cosmic/religious significance in his actions where none truly exists; he just doesn't give a shit. That's the joke; very funny, ha ha ha. But in ''Doom Eternal'', when there are entire levels devoted to traipsing through empty hallways learning the history of THE DOOM SLAYER and the origin story for how he came to not give a shit, and we're beset by cutscenes and dialogue and codex entries filling us in on the Maykrs of Urdak and their history with the Sentinels of Argent D'Nur and their long tradition of shit and the not-giving thereof, then suddenly, the game itself is the one projecting unnecessary meaning onto the dude who doesn't actually give a shit, and the joke is at the expense of the story-writers!

=== [[w:Half-Life: Alyx|Half-Life: Alyx]] ===
* It's odd to play a ''Half-Life'' game where the main character speaks and can tell the people around them to stop being such prannies, but it's still unmistakably ''Half-Life'', with its trademark monsters, linear narrative gameplay, and weird emotional tone. I mean, humanity has essentially been enslaved by the Borg, who systematically subject them to gory, nightmarish body horror, but everyone's really cheerful and yucking it up with their pet headcrabs. Yes, I know humans strive to be upbeat during a crisis, but there's this one very ''Resident Evil''-y chapter in Alyx where we have to sneak around an indestructible monster who's this hideously mutated human who will tear us apart if he finds us and looks to be in immense suffering, and then we're told that their name is Jeff, and everyone talks about him like he's the one asshole in the friend group who keeps hitting on waitresses. &quot;Oh, that Jeff; Jeff sucks.&quot; &quot;Hey, I trapped Jeff in a garbage compactor.&quot; &quot;Sucks to be Jeff!&quot; Sometimes, ''Half-Life'''s storytelling feels like what happens when an entire game has Asperger syndrome.

=== [[w:Resident Evil 3 (2020 video game)|Resident Evil 3]] ===
* I wasn't going to bring up the coronavirus thing again; I mean, the site's called &quot;The Escapist&quot;, not &quot;The Constant Reminders of Our Inevitable Hubristic Doom&quot;. Besides, it'll pretty seriously date the video in a month or two when the virus goes away forever and everything returns to normal and all the dead people come back to life and there's a rainbow. But now I have to talk about ''Resident Evil 3'', a game about society descending into chaos because of a viral pandemic. It could only have been less fortunately timed if the zombies ate toilet rolls instead of brains.
* I don't know if it's worth analysing for subtext of a game about a giant, muscular man refusing to leave alone an attractive, under-dressed lady and trying to penetrate her with his big, floppy willy of death; she is, at least, better-dressed than she was in the original, where she looked like an embarrassing single mother accompanying her daughter to a roller disco. But still, ''3-make'' sometimes gives me a ''Tomb Raider-make'' vibe when the amount of shit that gets kicked out of Jill Valentine starts to border on the fetishistic. No, I don't think I sound disingenuous when I get finger-waggy about this kind of thing; it's not like I jerked off to it more than once.

=== [[w:Animal Crossing: New Horizons|Animal Crossing: New Horizons]] ===
* ''Animal Crossing'' is an institution at this point, one that requires commitment, and as such I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who thinks they're ready to be committed to an institution. The setup this time around is that you and the predatory raccoon loan shark Tom Nook have come to a desert island wilderness in order to develop it into yet another wholesome capitalist paradise for animal-shaped random number generators. You know, the kind of setup where, if it were a film, you'd expect half the cast to be cannibalized by the end of act two, but don't worry, Tom Nook presumably massacred the native island population before we arrived. The process of developing the island largely entails for your part the transfer of ungodly amounts of Bells from you to Tom Nook's holdings account, and the usual ''Animal Crossing'' routine quickly sets in. You fish, you catch bugs, you acquire furniture, you sell it all to Tom Nook for money that you then use to pay off your loans to Tom Nook. It's the all-Tom Nook economy. When Tom Nook dies, this entire society will fucking collapse into anarchy where brightly coloured animal people shiv each other for pears.
* As for how ''New Horizons'' compares to previous incarnations, there's a greater sense in this one that the environment is growing and developing as time goes on. At first it's all tents and temporary housing, no shop, no museum and most of it's locked behind impassable rivers and cliffs, but with time, several large payments to Tom Nook and enough inevitable fucking crafting to soak up more PVA glue than any unsupervised schoolchild could consume in a lifetime you gradually turn this mysterious exotic wilderness into yet another Animal Crossing consumerist hellhole identical to the last one. ''Tom Nook is the living embodiment of the grey goo scenario!''

=== [[w:Final Fantasy VII Remake|Final Fantasy VII Remake]] ===
* If you saw the title &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake&quot;, and from the words &quot;Final Fantasy VII&quot; and &quot;Remake&quot; are now expecting a remake of the game Final Fantasy VII, then you might be disappointed; Final Fantasy VII Remake ends at the bit where you leave the first city, or about one-third of the way through the first disc of the original PS1 game, although it takes about forty more hours to get there, 'cos it's padded like an A-cup on School Picture Day. So there's been some contention over whether this is false advertising or a new take on the subject matter with better character exploration. I think a lot of this could've been cleared up if they'd titled the game &quot;Final Fantasy VII Remake: Episode One&quot;. But maybe they didn't want to commit; I mean, at the rate they're going, by the time they get to the last episode, it'll probably get pushed back by the heat death of the universe. I hope they are doing more episodes, 'cos the plot, as it stands, is painfully unresolved; the bulk of what we get might as well be re-titled &quot;Cloud Strife vs. The Manic Pixie Dream Girls&quot;.
* I was having fun when I was in the gambling town and Cloud had to dress up as a lady and becomes somehow irresistible to men, despite looking like a frumpy Amish spinster who spent last night sleeping with her head in the feeding trough. But that's a cultural thing; I'm English, and therefore, the funniest things in the world to me are men dressing as ladies and the concept of social mobility.
* As for the combat, I was liking it up to a point. You attack, block, and dodge in real-time until you fill the meter, and then you get to pause to contemplate what special move would best exploit the enemy weaknesses; it felt like a nice way to balance the chaotic battling with thoughtful strategy. But over time, as the challenge ramps up, you need to rely more on your party members, and your party members are as much use as an anti-capitalist protester on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. I was wondering why they had so much trouble building up a single special move in the time it took me to get three special moves deep, and then I spotted the dude with the gun arm, old Mr. Introverted Japanese Person's Idea of What Black People Are Like, firing round after round into a nearby handrail. I have to keep taking over to show them how to do it; it's like teaching a room full of six-year-olds how to type! So once again, a hybrid combat system in a modern JRPG fails to convince me that its way is better than the old method of having the characters stand in a neat row and take it in turns; it might not have been spectacular, but it was a damn sight more polite.

=== Cloudpunk &amp; [[w:Streets of Rage 4|Streets of Rage 4]] ===
* Through a linear series of encounters with unique characters, ''Cloudpunk'' builds a well-realized world of human-A.I. tension, inequality, corporate oppression, and all the usual bollocks cyberpunk goes on about, and at various times, Rania has to make moral choices which have the usual long-term effect on the story, i.e., little, if any. But the story really falls flat for me around one major central point like a six-inch nail in a soufflé: I just don't like Rania as a character. She's come to this city she knows little about and openly hates from some kind of small nation of hipsters that you probably haven't heard of, but trust me, it's much better; half the characters she meets are obnoxious in some cartoonishly overdone way just so she can get all judge-y at them, and they keep foisting important missions and major life decisions onto her because they watched her drunkenly banging into lampposts and doing very unpleasant things to the handbrake for two minutes and decided she had the wisdom of the ages. I might've preferred ''Cloudpunk'' if it were ''Euro Cyber Truck Simulator'' and just had me randomly deliver stuff while I listened to podcasts, and it told its story more covertly through background details rather than make me sit and listen to what Rania thinks about something that's none of her sodding business.
* My problem with ''Shreets of Shrage Shfour'' is that it's a game designed for confident people; your devastating special moves cost health to use, but you get the health back if you can land the next few hits without getting hit yourself, meaning that you become more effective the more confidence you have in your skills, and I doubt that this is the arena for a breakthrough where several years of therapy and alcohol abuse has fallen short. But I'd replay the level enough times, memorize enough encounters, and dodge enough devastating enemy attacks by move-walking six inches downwards, and I'd eventually struggle through and defeat the boss, whereupon the status screen would usually very grandly award my performance a &quot;D&quot; rank, which is always a buzzkill; it's like I finally collapsed into my tent after a long day of successful Arctic exploration, whereupon one of the huskies trotted over and pissed on my head. And this was only Normal difficulty! Talk about a skill ceiling; this is the Sistine Fucking Chapel!

=== World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident ===
* If you enlightened viewers in the modern age of less blurry screenshots are seeing some eerie parallels between the Corrupted Blood incident and certain real life current events, you aren't alone! In fact, academics took an interest in the incident for what it might tell us about real-life pandemics, particularly the sociological effects. But others argued that it taking place in a video game with zero real-life consequences limited the usefulness of the data. After all, it's not like people in the real world would just casually blow off an official quarantine order when there’s honest to goodness life and death on the line. Dear me, ''no!'' And as for the people who'd get the infection and try to pass it to others deliberately, why that would require nothing less than a fundamental breakdown of education and governance. Surely people understand that there are no hard resets in real life... unless you count tactical nuclear strikes. Yes, I suppose this episode was more of a &quot;let's all laugh at a ''humanity'' that never learns anything, tee hee hee,&quot; but for me it's nice to see something confirmed that I could have told these academics at any time - that if they want a case study for the most irrational behaviour of which human beings are capable then a good place to start might be the people who willingly pay a monthly subscription to waste their free time scraping up imaginary Murloc bellends.

=== [[w:Desperados III|Desperados III]] ===
* You remember &quot;Cockup Cascade&quot;, right? The term I came up with for an unfortunate feature of many stealth action games where the slightest misstep means getting caught in a pile-on of escalating fuck-ups, so you might as well just reload the instant you get spotted? Well, Desperados III is the patron saint of Cockup Cascade; the cocks barely have a chance to come down again. The enemies all have visibility cones spread wider than your mum's legs when she hears a bottle opener, and you can only see one guard's cone at a time; on top of that, a lot of guards who look like they're staring straight ahead are, in fact, glancing back and forth like a nervous gazelle at a tennis match, covering an area the size of a conservatively-proportioned aircraft hangar. So half the time, you'll settle into the nice, long &quot;slitting a throat&quot; animation, and only then be informed that someone offscreen is looking at you from their table at a delightful Parisian-style street café on the surface of Mars. And thus, the cascade begins. Everyone on the map is alerted and rushes your position, more guards spawn in on top of the existing ones; it's like the fucking fight scene at the end of the original ''Casino Royale''. And while you do have a gun, you fire it once and then can't fire it again until you've remembered all the lyrics to &quot;The British Grenadiers&quot;, and your special power to pause the game and queue up your next few actions, at this point, provides nothing besides the chance to take a moment and really drink in just how completely fucked you are. So don't kid yourself about making a stand; you're just going to fucking quick-load. It's not so bad in the early game, but before long, levels are absolutely packed with enemies and overlapping patrol routes, and it turns into a sort of ultra-violent puzzle game, where the objective is to figure out the precise sequence of actions to pick off every enemy in ascending order of gregariousness, quick-saving with every inch of progress. An experience like untangling a huge ball of Christmas lights, turning it over and over, picking on loose bits, occasionally pulling on the wrong thing, getting electrocuted and making all the children scream.

=== [[w:The Last of Us Part II|The Last of Us Part II]] ===
* Here's the plot: protagonist of last game gets murdered by group seeking revenge for thing protagonist did in last game; adopted daughter of protagonist goes to group's home base to get double-backsy revenge, which happens to be in a really shitty holiday destination, and no, it didn't escape me that this is the same plot as ''[[w:Silent Hill 3|Silent Hill 3]]''. Now, Joel in the last game was a basically relatable gruff hairy dad learning to love again who made one very questionable decision at the end, but Ellie in Last of Us II seems to be of a mind that the best way to commemorate Gruff Hairy Dad would be to beat his &quot;questionable decision&quot; speed record as many times as possible. And already, I hear the same people who gave me shit about not liking the last game slithering out from behind the fridge to make the same argument: &quot;You're not supposed to like or agree with the characters! It's complex and challenging drama!&quot; Yeah, thanks, Professor; I got we weren't supposed to be entirely on Ellie's side around the Dr. Sniffybum incident. But the message is muddled by everyone in Ellie's conventionally attractive mumblecore support group assuring her that revenge is the tops and totally justified, and the villains' equivalent act of revenge against Joel for doing something a lot worse was totally not justified because they hadn't had nearly enough screen time. Which is presumably why, just as the plot is starting to look like it's wrapping up, the game suddenly flashes back and makes us play as the main villain for way, ''way'' too fucking long: to show that, ooh, they have redemptive qualities as well and, from their perspective, Ellie is basically a less eloquent Jason Voorhees.
*  Can I do a spot of disabusing here? The kind I always have to do whenever they put out a DAVID CAGE game, or anything else presenting a façade of dramatic depth? The following things do ''not'' make a character deep or compelling: 1.) Getting hurt a lot (Looking at you, ''Tomb Raider'' reboot.); 2.) Being sad; 3.) Doing morally questionable things; and we might as well tack on 4.) Being a member of a minority, just 'cos I've already given up hope for this video's comment section. What does matter is the characters at least be interesting to watch, and these aren't; the banter between Ellie and her girlfriend as they adventure together sizzles like a flask of slightly tepid water because they're too similar in personality, background, and motivation to have good chemistry. But the most important thing is growth. Walker in ''Spec Ops: The Line'' slowly becomes a monster as he's twisted by the constant backfiring of his good intentions, and that's why it's compelling; Ellie has no character development. Villain Lady does, a little bit, for stupid reasons, along the lines of suddenly realizing that the enemy faction she's been genociding unquestioned for months are also human beings with families and would rather not be genocided, thanks, but Ellie just sets out to do something shitty and remains a shitty person; in fact, the game keeps droning on for about two hours after you think it's finally ending just to continue establishing Ellie's shittiness!

=== [[w:Google Stadia|Stadia]] ===
* So while the general quality could be a problem, I fear the main one, my little velvet fucksocks, is games. I know, it's such a bore, isn't it, having to sucker people into a subscription service ''and'' provide them content? It's like, running a dairy farm would be so much easier if you didn't have to keep feeding the cows and making sure they don't die and shit. Right now, there's just a limited selection of AAA titles that everyone stops talking about around the same time they stopped talking about Russia annexing the Ukraine, and as for the all-important exclusives, there's little more than what meager scraping of indie titles could be snuck out of the Epic Store's shopping basket.

=== [[w:Ghost of Tsushima|Ghost of Tsushima]] ===
* It's official; you're getting too old if you can remember any of the following: Jerry O'Connell, pop music where they don't sing like they just banged their foot on a coffee table, and tentpole games by Western AAA developers being capable of more than one genre. I'm ''so fucking sick'' of open world stealth action games with crafting and collectibles! Remember when ''Far Cry'' was a shooter, ''Tomb Raider'' was a precision platformer, and ''God of War'' was a high-octane hack and slash? All of them have now been pulled into open world stealth action with crafting and collectibles, like paper boats to an open sewer. I'm ''so fucking bored'' of squatting in a bush like a hiker who didn't go before he left, of having to nose around every shelf and drawer hoovering up crafting materials so I might one day make a new man-purse that can hold more than four paper clips. So if you're waiting for the next electrifying sea change in AAA games, ''Ghost of Tsushima'' ain't it, mate. It's the same shit with new wallpaper; nice wallpaper, granted. None of your &quot;default Sims house&quot; rubbish; this is the classy stuff you put behind a respected historian in a documentary about the Renaissance, but wallpaper nonetheless. Felt like I should put that up front, along with this: the standard crafting resource in this game is &quot;supplies&quot;, and every time I saw that word while on shelf safari, I'm ashamed to admit I kept thinking about a very racist joke I once heard about a Chinese person at a birthday party.
* The combat felt a lot better some ways into the game, after you unlock a few different stances, as it turns out that certain stances are very specifically intended for use against certain enemies, and if you're using the wrong stance, you might as well be dusting off their health bar with a pastry brush. So the combat is better once you've unlocked the things that make it work, almost like they should've been unlocked from the start, but no, everything has to be unlocked through one of the nine different upgrade systems, because that's what the template says to do, and we outsourced all our independent thought to Eastern Europe.
* All the cherry-picked good bits in the world can't separate ''Ghost of Tsushima'' from the usual issues of committee-driven big-money development. Yes, there's some great Kurosawa-esque boss fights, but there's also an optional grainy black-and-white video filter named &quot;Kurosawa Mode&quot;, which is the sort of idea that probably sounded cool to a committee room full of Danish pastry-fueled sub-producers, but in practice comes across a mite flippant.

=== Carrion &amp; Beyond a Steel Sky ===
* I'm most let down by [''Beyond a Steel Sky'''s] visuals. It's got that ''Borderlands''-y &quot;cel-shaded but in an open relationship and can still see other graphical styles&quot; thing that looks like arse and chips, and the animation is very jank; every time the engine has to none-too-subtly glide Foster into place to interact with something, it's like he's standing on a tea tray on a string. The real tragedy here is that, back in the days of 2D art and animation, Revolution Software were fucking killing it! ''Beneath a Steel Sky'', ''Broken Sword''; for their time, they were like tongue kisses for the eyeballs. Then, suddenly, they decided they had to do 3D graphics like everyone and their greengrocer and it was like a master violinist feeling like they had to take up the ukulele. I mean, fuck me, Dave Gibbons worked on ''Beneath a Steel Sky''! A really good 2D artist; the artist of ''Watchmen'', for fuck's sake! They brought him back on for this one, and then did most of the game in 3D; that's like hiring Professor Stephen Hawking to make YouTube essays about how Rey should've porked Finn.

=== [[w:Fall Guys|Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout]] ===
* One time, I was in the final round, and someone got declared the winner when everyone else was still halfway up the hill; don't tell me people are actually ''hacking'' this fucking game, or finding physics exploits? That's like rigging up a sophisticated concealed vacuum device to cheat at ''Hungry Hungry Hippos''; seems like a lot of misplaced effort to win something that other people win fairly reliably just by flinging themselves at the controls for long enough.

=== [[w:Spiritfarer|Spiritfarer]] ===
* And I thought it might be educational to list some things [''Spiritfarer''] ''didn't'' do to grab me, Games Industry.  It ''didn't'' put out a pre-rendered trailer six years before release showcasing all its crazy characters with magenta-colored partial buzzcuts.  It ''didn't'' use an aggressive leveling system to increase engagement the way a drug dealer &quot;increases engagement&quot; by cutting the blow with laundry detergent.  And: It doesn't have Batman in it!  No.  What it did was: It made me emotionally engage with it.  I play a game like ''Gears of War'', where I'm in constant life-or-death struggle with snarling monsters that want to exterminate humanity, and I'm more emotionally engaged with the cheese and pickle sandwich I'm taking sneaky bites of between reloads.  It kills off a main character; I feel more remorse when my wife notices pickle stains on the dog.  In contrast, I played ''Spiritfarer,'' got to the part where an old hedgehog with dementia remembers who I am in the brief moment before she disappears, ''and I cried.''  (I actually did; fuck you.)
* We play as Stella, a constantly smiling young girl with a hat slightly larger than she is, and a second player can optionally play as Stella's cat.  &quot;I'll take Completely Unnecessary Multiplayer Modes for 200, Alex.  Ooo!  'What is ''Mario Odyssey?'''&quot;
* I'd also group ''Spiritfarer'' with ''Gris'' and ''Sea of Solitude'' under the sub-heading of very-metaphorical-arty-indie-games.  But here's how it doesn't fuck it up, like those two did.  One: It never beats you around the head with its underlying meaning  ...''Sea of Solutude.''  Two:  It has a deeper and more poignant underlying meaning than, &quot;Main character is a bit sad&quot;  ...''Gris.''  Three:  It treats its gameplay as a way to establish its themes and add greater weight to its emotional moments, rather than a bunch of meaningless checkpoint flags to fill the space between the metaphors  ...''Gris'' '''and''' ''Sea of Solitude.''  And Four:  Meta-meta-phor.  The main point is:  ''Spiritfarer'' has both underlying and surface meaning.  If you want, you can forget all about the metaphor business.  I'm certainly fucking sick of saying the word.  If you want, it can just be a story about a little girl on a magical adventure, making a bunch of animal friends, hanging out, doing their side-quests, hugging them with the dedicated &quot;hug&quot; button, ''then'' icing them in the woods.  And then you feel sad because you're actually sad about never getting to see your friend again -- not because there's a huge symbolic statue of the main character ''telling'' you to be sad  ...''Gris!  Again!''

=== [[w:No Straight Roads|No Straight Roads]] and [[w:Battletoads (2020 video game)|Battletoads]] ===
* Sometimes, I like to picture game developers watching these videos. &quot;Ooh, look, everyone! That weirdo on the Internet did one of ours! Let's all gather 'round to good-naturedly laugh off his exaggerated criticism and bask in the occasional qualified praise. Come on, Steve! Bob! Fiona! Adolf! Lionel! Big Smelly Janet!&quot; I wonder if the developers of ''Battletoads'' are doing that now? Well, developers of ''Battletoads'', here's the thing: I hate your game. In fact, I don't think I've ever realized I hated a game quite as fast as I realized I hated yours. I'm trying to avoid swearing here, so you understand how totally sincere I am when I say I played five or six levels into ''Battletoads'' and decided I would rather spend the afternoon cleaning out the shower drains. But hey, I don't hold it against you; at least it didn't waste my time, and I've got a really clean shower now.

=== [[w:Avengers (2020 video game)|Marvel's Avengers]] ===
* You know, Robert Downey Jr. deserves more praise for his portrayal of Tony Stark in the Marvel movies; yes, I know he's made more money than a glazier in the Gaza Strip, but he did a really quite impressive job playing a character who could be simultaneously abrasive, charismatic, and sympathetic. I was thinking about this while watching Tony Stark as portrayed in ''Marvel's Avengers'', Square Enix's new, shiny chrome-plated hamster wheel for the micropayment masses, because if all of his dialogue lines had been cut out and been replaced by Tony Stark getting clipped around the ear by whoever was standing closest to him, then that would've earned the game at least another star. It's still confusing to me that this game that is obviously trying to crib off the success of the Marvel movies deliberately replaced all the leads with their poorly-received spinoff low-budget TV show versions, but maybe it's easier on the kiddies this way; they don't have to watch their heroes repeating an infinite cycle of copy-pasted combat missions and resource grinds and ask their parents, &quot;Mummy, why is Iron Man trapped in a hypothetical tenth layer of Dante's Hell?&quot;
* ''Marvel's Avarvels'' puts an almost admirable degree of effort into not resembling a live service game for some ways into the campaign. [...] These first few missions mostly play like running down one corridor after another, but hey, they're nice corridors; there's an actual story focus, and at the end of some of the corridors, there's colorful boss fights against Marvel supervillains like Taskmaster (registered trademark) and Abomination (registered trademark). But then the live service shit starts insidiously to creep in. [...] The lovely, approachable face flakes off bit by bit to reveal the cold, eyeless skull underneath. &quot;You unlocked the confusingly laid-out mission hub area! You unlocked the gear-crafting station! The cosmetic-crafting station! The faction missions! The storage lockers! Your next mission objective is to talk to all the gear vendors; ''we will literally hold up the plot until you fucking do that!''&quot; And every single one of them has a line of dialogue specifically designed to guilt you if you leave without buying anything. &quot;Oh, you don't want any new emotes? Welp, better tell the kids that it'll be sawdust porridge for dinner again.&quot; Then all those story-focused corridor missions are replaced by missions in which you go to one of a handful of pocket sandboxes, are directed to a specific location, and all the way there, copy-pasted side objectives appear all around us like we're dodging mortar shells in fucking no man's land. &quot;There's a treasure box nearby! There's a group of bland copy-pasted enemies nearby! Why not kill them before you kill the group of bland copy-pasted enemies you actually came here to deal with?&quot; It's like being trapped in the IKEA showroom when all you want is a fucking egg whisk!

=== [[w:Hades (video game)|Hades]] ===
* Ah, ancient mythology: the wonderful gift from our ancestors that ensures pretentious writers will never be shy of a free idea bucket. Hey, is there any reason we can't make up more mythology? Like, if I wanted to invent Maurice, the God of Consumer Electronics, or Rumblecrag, the God of Small Utensils That Get Jammed in the Kitchen Drawer; can I do that, or do I have to paint them on a vase and wait a thousand years for it to count? Video games have always gotten a lot of mileage out of mythology, but it's disappointing how it only ever seems to fall back on either Greek or Norse. I already know way too much about Greek and Norse mythology; why don't you ever make games about Zoroastrianism? I don't know anything about Zarathustra; I know that he spake once.
* Hades is about Zagreus, the son of the titular deity, who has gotten sick of kicking around the depths of Tartarus playing ''Halo'' - and very deliberately pretending not to notice the pamphlets of vocational schools his dad rather unsubtly keeps leaving on the coffee table - and so he decides to pull what's known as the &quot;reverse Orpheus&quot; and journey out of the Underworld for the first time in his life. &quot;And there's nothing you can do to stop me, Dad!&quot; &quot;Um, I literally rule over legions of immortal warriors with nothing to do all day but try to stop you, Zagreus.&quot; &quot;Shut up! You never bought me a car!&quot;

=== [[w:Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time|Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time]] ===
* It must feel weird when somebody else makes a sequel to your franchise, like when the babysitter insists on being called &quot;Mummy&quot;; it must be doubly weird when you thought your franchise died years ago and the babysitter has just shown up at your door in the dead of night with a shovel and a weird smile. I think it's fair to say that ''Crash Bandicoot'' didn't exactly leave loose ends untied. It wasn't the fucking ''Wheel of Time''; it was pretty thoroughly explored out as a concept. You don't bring out a fucking kart racing tie-in game when you can't see the bottom of the idea bucket. And yet, here comes Toys for Bob twenty years down the line, clutching its big, shiny shovel going, &quot;Don't worry, Naughty Dog! We will continue the great work in the original spirit you intended!&quot; And meanwhile, Naughty Dog moved on years ago, and are now more concerned with making terribly serious and important games about very unpleasant people fucking each other on smallpox blankets.
* The main problem that has always stuck out of fixed-camera 3D platformers like a traumatically botched nipple piercing is depth perception; sure, Crash Bandicoot gets a nice obvious shadow under him, but why doesn't anything else? So if I'm trying to land on a hovering crate or enemy, I'm once again playing bottomless pit Russian roulette. If you're going to demand consistent perfection from me, it'd be nice if the mechanics could be fucking consistent in return, is me point. Tawna's unique mechanic is a grappling hook gun (because of course it fucking is), but it's contextual, and more than once, I was in midair and the grapple prompt apparently decided I was a couple of nanometers off for its tastes, and so I was cordially invited to eat shit. &quot;Man,&quot; I thought, &quot;if I'd been going for the 'no deaths' run, then I'd be frothing like a poorly supervised coffee machine right about now; fortunately, I long ago came to terms with my own mediocrity, as, it seems, have most of my viewership!&quot;

=== [[w:Amnesia: Rebirth|Amnesia: Rebirth]] ===
* Minor spoiler alert: one of the central plot elements concerns a couple trying for a second child, which I suppose you might call a &quot;rebirth&quot;, if you're a robot from space. It's just about the only rebirth on offer, as rebirth implies evolution, and this is mainly a return to the gameplay of the first ''Amnesia: The Dark Descent'' in that it actually has some gameplay; you explore spooky environments while using your limited supply of oil and matches to minimize the amount of time you spend in pitch darkness, where you run the risk of suffering a major trouser accident and lethally bankrupting yourself with dry cleaning expenses, and you have to balance all that while solving inventory puzzles and hiding from gribblies, which it turns out you're only in actual danger from about 5% of the time. But you don't know which 5%! Wooo! And of course, there's still that trademark Frictional Games physics interaction where you open doors by clicking the mouse and then moving the mouse and realizing you should've moved it the other way, dumb twat. None of which should be a deal-breaker if you did like the original ''Amnesia''; this game even features the triumphant return of the jam that comes out of the walls. But at the same time, ''Dark Descent'' is ten years old; it'd be in middle school by now, swapping its asthma inhaler for ''Pokémon'' cards. It was one of the progenitors of the first-person atmospheric survival horror mystery subgenre that has since evolved to new heights with games like ''Resident Evil 7'' and ''P.T.'', and simultaneously devolved into new shit-smeared depths with the 900 million horror walking simulators out there that still think that the door you just came in now leading to somewhere else like we're in Willy Wonka's fucking chocolate factory is the height of clever mindfucks, and ''Rebirth'' hasn't really moved with the times in either direction. I think it's on the same engine as ''Dark Descent''; it's certainly quite graphically dated. And the physics are still rife with issues; it'll stop you dead in the middle of walking just because it's scandalized by the sheer audacity with which you're attempting to navigate a gentle slope with a small cardboard box on it.
* I can tell from my pristine trousers that the monsters just don't command the same terror that they did in ''Dark Descent''. Probably because in this case, you get a good look at them enough times that you can see they're just generic zombie dudes, and suspense only lasts as long as the mysterious, snarly thing lurking in the dark could be anything from a gelatinous cube to a hungover Orson Welles. The general problem is one of demystification, I think. In ''The Dark Descent'', we only learn scrips and scraps about an evil Lovecraftian other dimension that's causing all the problems, but in ''Amnesia: Recalcitrant'', Tasi gets to physically go to one; in fact, she pops in and out of it every ten minutes like she's never quite convinced that she locked the doors properly the last time she was there. At one point, she takes the public subway train in the evil Lovecraftian dimension and misses her stop because the map was confusing. No, really, this happens; it's one of the things that draws out the run-time like your mum's waistband at the cock buffet.

=== [[w:Watch Dogs: Legion|Watch Dogs: Legion]] ===
* I do think there's a lot of fun to be had with ''Watch Dogs: Legion''; it's just that a lot of it might be at the game's expense. Its expansive array of systems and dodgy A.I. mean that it's got a lot of potential for finding your own entertainment, probably more so than most Ubisoft sandboxes. As I said, the lack of strong characterization does hurt the story - I mean, I'm pretty sure most real people would respond to complete strangers asking them to join their &quot;best-friends-no-oppressive-regimes-allowed&quot; treehouse club with either bafflement or a faceful of commercial-grade pepper spray - but it does mean it's easier to amuse yourself by making up your own stories for your characters. The game forces you to recruit a construction worker as part of the tutorial, and I ended up using that dude to complete the final mission, because fuck, from token member hired only 'cos we wanted to play on his rideable drone to champion of the resistance; this dude's had a motherfucking arc! Also, for the sake of extra challenge, I decided that he refuses to use any form of transport other than riding on top of double-decker buses, because of a childhood trauma involving a model train set and a crab. Also, he strictly avoids violence while on missions because the sight of blood reminds him of Cheltenham F.C., and when combat is required, he defers to his teammate, Crazy Mildred the Elderly Nail Gun Murderer, who has to knock down every lamppost she sees to raise awareness of child leukemia, and who wears a... ''really'' stupid hat.

=== [[w:Assassin's Creed Valhalla|Assassin's Creed Valhalla]] ===
* Ah, Vikings. Who doesn't like Vikings? &quot;English monasteries?&quot; Oh, right. &quot;Anyone who's ever been forced to listen to Norwegian black metal?&quot; Yes, thank you. The point was, in the games industry, it seems to be only a matter of time before you go full Viking. ''God of War'' did it; ''Assassin's Creed'' are doing it; that new ''Elden Ring'' thing that FromSoftware are doing isn't strictly full Viking, I know, but it's definitely giving it some funny looks. Fair play to Assassin's Creed; it held out longer than a lot of series would. I mean, it did the fucking American War for Independence before it did Vikings; that's like forcing yourself to eat all the party napkins before you can have any of the birthday cake. But there's no putting off going full Viking forever; it's one of the points on the graph: ninjas, pirates, Vikings, and I guess maybe cowboys. Hey! Is that a Ubisoft drone? Oh shit, it's taking notes. Sorry, everyone; don't know how they keep getting in here. If they announce ''Assassin's Creed Deadwood'' next year, I guess you can all blame me.
* The initial spark of getting to play a burly Viking can't be sustained through the subsequent 40 hours of trudging through mud and dealing with political squabbles between people dressed in earth tones in the name of ''Assassin's Creed'''s trademark historical accuracy. I was getting sniffy about the ethical ramifications of monastery-pillaging earlier, but if anything, the game should've learned more into that; let us tear shit up, swinging a giant &quot;fucketh-off&quot; hammer as our muscles bulge like mating walruses, and seduce all the hot monk chicks away from their inadequate monk boyfriends. It's this &quot;trying to hit all the points at once&quot; thing that muddles the tone, trying to make out like we're some kind of freedom fighter while we laughingly set all the pigsties ablaze and hunt down the usual laundry list of Templars that we are assured are evil, but who seem to be mostly minding their own fucking business.

=== [[w:Spider-Man: Miles Morales|Spider-Man: Miles Morales]] ===
* Peter Parker takes under his wing a freshly spider-powered-up Miles Morales and swiftly forces him to use the same codename and wear the same outfit, which, let's be blunt, is a bit weird and narcissistic and not a little gatekeeper-y. Peter Parker goes on his holidays and leaves his new Mini-Me to defend the city alone, but Miles finally proves worthy of Peter's crusty Spider-Man pajamas when half the people he knows turn out to be supervillains. Turns out you can only make it as a supervillain in New York if you've been to at least three of Spider-Man's birthday parties; nepotism, I call it. These days, Spider-Man probably gets more thrown if supervillains DON'T turn out to be someone he knows; he wrestles them to the ground and the mask falls off, and he goes, &quot;&lt;GASP!&gt; No, it can't be! I have no idea who you are!&quot;

=== [[w:Cyberpunk 2077|Cyberpunk 2077]] ===
* [''Cyberpunk 2077'' is] the hot new immersive sim conveniently, if unimaginatively, named after its genre; the genre of choice for people who hate capitalism, but love looking like a member of Dead or Alive after they stepped on a landmine. I say &quot;immersive sim&quot;; I feel that description hinges on the game being, in some way, immersive. I was playing the Steam version, which might more accurately be termed a &quot;buggier than a party sub that got left on the floor of a motel bathroom&quot; sim. The bugs were ceaseless; mostly non-game-breaking animation fuckups and voice lines not playing, but every now and again, I'd have to reload a save because I accidentally crossed a cutscene trigger while grabbing an enemy, and I'd come back from the loading screen with my head jammed up their arse, like the result of some Cronenberg-esque teleportation accident. It's a shame, because when I looked up at the dizzying neon towers of Night City, and the crowds of NPCs where no two were the same, and they're all uniquely dressed in some way like a cross between a character from ''LazyTown'' and a Cenobite, I thought to myself, &quot;Man, this game would probably be really immersive if my trousers hadn't just turned invisible again!&quot;

=== [[w:Bugsnax|Bugsnax]] and [[w:Super Meat Boy Forever|Super Meat Boy Forever]] ===
* Ah, 2020: the Jimmy Savile of years; only after its passing can we take stock and truly appreciate the flood of hushed-up sexual assault accusations.
* You know, every time I take a stab at summarizing ''Bugsnax'', I feel like something important has been left out; it's like writing a real estate profile for a nuclear bunker on Mars where eleven people died of asbestos poisoning. If I were to say &quot;It's a first-person adventure sort of thing where you come to a hidden island full of mysterious creatures that are all a hybrid of an insect and an item of snack food like a fucking bag of chips with wings and shit, and there's influence from ''Pokémon'' 'cos they all have a cutesy hybrid name that is the only thing they can say and catching them is the main gameplay activity, but unlike ''Pokémon'', you don't battle them; you just watch them get mercilessly devoured as they scream their own names in distress,&quot; even that summary fails to mention the significant fact that all the sentient characters in the game are furry puppet monsters that look like novelty butt plugs based on ''Sesame Street'' characters. &quot;Oh, so it's a kids' game, Yahtz?&quot; I ''DON'T'' KNOW! It's bright and colourful, and none of the characters would look out of place flogging nutritionally bankrupt breakfast cereals, but at the same time, all the characters have these fairly complex, adult relationship issues, with several overtly established to be banging their featureless furry midsections together. And besides that, I get a faintly sinister vibe as I watch the adorable ''Bugsnax'' disappear into the cheerful gullets of big-toothed furry monsters with an upsetting crunching sound, and then one of the monster's limbs turns into a Snickers or whatever, which adds a little sprinkling of body horror to the mix; it's like ''Fraggle Rock'' as directed by David Cronenberg.

=== [[w:Hitman_3|Hitman 3]] ===
* [These] so-called &quot;mission stories&quot; are, frankly, the worst parts of the game; I think that's the revelation I finally came to after speeding through all the missions, getting hand-held through a linear sequence of objectives where I follow my intended victim around for a while until the moment they say, &quot;All security guards, leave the room so I can have some alone time with my new best pal. Would you like to admire my new pit full of rotating knives? I thought it would make a nice centerpiece.&quot; It feels like Mum and Dad doing our homework for us, and it makes the bottom drop out of all the tension and immersion, especially since they very often hinge on Agent 47 disguising himself as someone famous or who the victim has already met, rather than a random background employee, and them somehow not noticing that this person they know is suddenly built like a gravedigger's shovel leaning on a tombstone and keeps responding to direct questions with veiled references to being an assassin. &quot;Can I tell you a secret?&quot; &quot;Oh, I guarantee it won't leave this room.&quot; &quot;Do you recommend the soup?&quot; &quot;I'd have to say it's... to DIE for.&quot; &quot;Blimey, my verrucas are playing up!&quot; &quot;Perhaps you'd like to LIE DOWN... after I murder you completely to death?&quot; Yeah, it was funny the first couple of times, but when it's pretty much the same routine for every mission story, things get a bit silly, and at odds with the story's tone when the cutscenes are full of slick behind-the-scenes manipulators controlling the world through growly phone conversations in huge, twilit offices, and then you meet them in gameplay, and they're standing over the shark tank at SeaWorld demonstrating their new line of tuna-flavored aftershave.
* I think ''Hitman'' finally clicked for me after I made the conscious effort to resist my usual instinct; that is, play through to story end as fast as possible and then use the rest of the work week to practice throwing chocolate raisins into the air and catching them in my mouth. No, this time, I decided I would go back to the missions and embrace the sandbox malarkey by inventing my own assassinations; switch from the strict musical education to improvised jazz, as it were, and often with equally disastrous results, because ''Hitman'' gameplay is still a slave to the Cockup Cascade. There's often no way of knowing if strangling a dude to the ground and ripping his trousers off is going to be out of view of his mates until you try, and they all spin around and act like they caught you shitting on the carpet; it's a lot like shitting on the carpet because even if you get caught, you've got no choice but to finish doing it while furiously maintaining eye contact.
* Generally, I was having a lot more fun seeking opportunities rather than being handed them by the mission stories; shame you kind of have to do a mission story on your first attempt, 'cos these environments are really dense and sprawly, and with no direction, it's like looking for the one un-horrifying toilet cubicle at a BART station. You have to play a mission a few times and get a lay of the land before you can start really having fun with planning custom assassinations, and that means immersion takes another fatal hit.  I mean, you don't get second tries in real life; Lee Harvey Oswald couldn't run up and go, &quot;Sorry, I was going for no alerts; could we scoop your brains back up and have another crack?&quot;

=== [[w:The_Medium_(video_game)|The Medium]] ===
* You know what, Konami? I don't even care about ''Silent Hill'' anymore; you make all the pachinko machines and arcade shooters and Pyramid Head-shaped suppository kits you like. I loved ''Silent Hill'' once, but you know what? Getting us attached to name franchises is how they get you; that's why Disney can sell haunted Zyklon B canisters just by sticking C-3PO on the front. I don't want a new ''Silent Hill''; I want interesting, new horror games that benefit from ''Silent Hill'''s influence. I like bands influenced by Nirvana, but I wouldn't like it if they nailed Kurt Cobain's body to the front of the drum kit.
* This might sound weird, but it took me a while to figure out that this fixed-camera survival horror game with a gloomy atmosphere about exploring both a decrepit real world and an identically laid-out scary netherworld that looks like it's made primarily out of ham was supposed to be ''Silent Hill''-inspired; talk about missing the otherworld for the crucified bodies on spikes. I guess I just wasn't picking up the same vibe; it reminded me more of ''Dark Seed'', that old point-and-click adventure game about exploring an H. R. Giger-designed parallel dark world as the protagonist struggles to overcome the horror of their mustache. ''Silent Hill'' feels organic and visceral and wet; ''The Medium'' felt more dead and dusty and as dry as a newlywed Baptist who doesn't believe in foreplay.
* ''The Medium'' has good visual design and atmosphere, but I wasn't thinking about those during my suddenly much freer afternoon; I was wondering why &quot;violent ballistic death&quot; leapt that quickly to the top of Marianne's proposed solutions list. Just felt really out of nowhere; failure of characterization, I suppose. The suicide ending made sense in ''Spec Ops: The Line'', and ''Silent Hill 2'', and my last school reunion.

=== [[w:Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood|Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood]] ===
* ''WereThePocBlood'' concerns Cahal, a gruff, hairy dad who looks like the breakout character from a popular reality TV series about gay motorcycle repairmen; he is a werewolf in a setting that's basically the premise of ''[[w:Captain Planet and the Planeteers|Captain Planet]]'', except with werewolves instead of diverse, go-getting teenagers, and where all issues are resolved by turning into a monster and tearing the enemy to coleslaw instead of summoning a demigod far too smug for someone wearing tiny red pants. I mean, the writing's certainly about as complex as ''Captain Planet'', pointlessly excessive gore aside, because it mainly centers around an evil polluting corporation who are ravaging the Earth, not for wealth or to meet the needs of an ever-growing, ever-complacent humanity, but because they are being literally controlled by an evil monster and are actively trying to destroy the world. So yeah, the story's about as nuanced as hammering a six-inch nail through your forehead.
* All janky design and dull, repetitive levels aside, it just feels like a game really at odds with itself. &quot;Well, how would you fix it, Yahtz?&quot; Well, I'd have added some kind of consequence for using Frenzy Mode too much, like reduced XP or a bad ending. Or, focused on cathartic combat and chucked the humanity-questioning stuff in the recycle bin. Oh, wait! Even quicker solution: chuck the whole fucking game in the recycle bin and play something else! &quot;Be serious, Yahtz.&quot; Sorry; I meant to say &quot;compost bin&quot;.

=== [[w:Little Nightmares II|Little Nightmares II]] ===
* Longtime viewers will know we've had a lot of fun here at the Zero Punctuation Combination Waterslide Park/Sewage Treatment Facility with the running gag that virtually every arty indie game is basically about a small child being lost in a scary world, probably because they're frequently made by tech nerds new to the industry, having to face the fact that it might finally be time to get a real job and figure out how to do their own laundry. Which also explains why the games are usually highly unsubtle metaphors for something from the standard list of tech nerd mental health issues: anxiety, depression, isolation, the fact that nice girls don't want to touch them. In the past, I've occasionally stretched the criteria for &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to include indie games like ''Bastion'', ''Braid'', and ''Ori and the Blind Forest'' in order to continue claiming to be right, in my adorably small-minded way, but absolutely no stretching is necessary for this week's subject; oh, dear me, no! ''Little Nightmares'' wears &quot;small child, scary world&quot; like a set of custom-fit pajamas, throws a big, comfortable duvet of oppressive atmosphere over itself, and goes to sleep. It uses all the tropes, even the really on-the-nose ones like &quot;main character wears a hooded coat&quot; and &quot;soundtrack featuring sad children singing like the evil landlord just sold all their gruel vouchers&quot;. I might go as far to say that it officially takes ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s crown as the ur-example of &quot;small child, scary world&quot;, since ''Limbo''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s pseudo-sequel Inside kind of gave it up when it transitioned from &quot;small child, scary world&quot; to &quot;GIBBER, GIBBER, NONSENSE, NONSENSE, WEETABIX WITH LEGS!&quot;
* [The] &quot;challenge&quot; aspect of the game is basically a sequence of traps where the objective is generally &quot;make exactly the right movements or die and start again&quot; which, in the abstract, is about as fun as playing ''Operation'' in a Parkinson's ward. There are chasey bits, where the monster catches up and stuffs you into a pita bread if you're not immediately sprinting in the right direction when it starts; there are combat-y bits, where you have to swing a melee weapon at precisely the moment an enemy is pouncing or get your head caved in on a floorboard; and stealthy bits, where you get spotted and eaten if you so much as startle a flatulent aphid, which leads to some moments having to be replayed and replayed, and dread gives way to boredom, gives way to anger, gives way to quitting, gives way to the right at a mini-roundabout. I don't know how one fixes this. It's the classic horror game paradox: the threat of sudden death is necessary for creating the feel of being a little ant postman trying to deliver mail to Mrs. Trapdoor Spider's house, but the moment that sudden death actually happens, all the tension disappears, and each subsequent death as you struggle to get past the challenge is like the game continuing to stab an already-stabbed balloon. I suppose, ideally, you'd want to design it so the player escapes by the skin of their teeth each time, but that's a tough balance, because some players have slower reflexes, or are trying to play while hiding behind the sofa cushions.

=== Breathedge ===
* It's the time of year when AAAs are put to bed to dream restless dreams of middling Metacritic ratings and rampaging seven-headed Twitch influencers, and we have to keep the nightlight on with midrange jank and the usual indie survive 'em ups. It's not that I dislike survival crafting as a genre; I just don't feel like it's taught me any practical survival skills. I head out to the wilderness, gather some wood and some stone, pack them together and tuck them under my scrotum for five seconds, and the result is not a makeshift axe, but an awkward conversation with my prostate specialist.
* This week, I've been playing an indie survival craft 'em up called &quot;''Breathedge''&quot;, which is ''Subnautica'', but in space. &quot;Why yes, I am that very thing, Yahtz; in fact, I contain multiple direct references to ''Subnautica'' to acknowledge its influence.&quot; You know, you're really sucking the fun out of dismissive know-it-all assholery, ''Breathedge''! But yes, take ''Subnautica'' and remove all the water so that nothing remains but cold, forbidding vacuum, and that's ''Breathedge''. And while you're at it, remove the interesting story and any particular reason to engage with its base-building mechanics-- Wait, I liked those! You removed too much, ''Breathedge''! &quot;Ooh, sorry; guess I'll fill in the gap with fourth wall-breaking humor that, over the course of the game, gradually, almost imperceptibly, moves over the line from amusing to insufferable.&quot;
* So it's definitely got that ''Subnautica''-brand majestic beauty crossed with terrifying hostility, like a sultry, attractive woman with the face of a giant spider. And one certainly gets the satisfaction that comes with getting near the end of the craft-explorey loop when you finally build your endgame rocket flip-flops or whatever that allow you to fully traverse the sandbox, at which point, the sultry, attractive woman still has the face of a spider, but now you're kind of into that because those pedipalps can do things to your prostate that will make your toes roll up like tubes of nearly-empty toothpaste. So those are the parts that ''Breathedge'' gets right. Ooh, there was some subtext in that last sentence, wasn't there, children? Did you spot it?
* You spend the majority of the game in the big survival sandbox, gradually expanding your capabilities until you acquire a working spaceship, and my assumption was that this was the next stage of expansion; I was going to be able to cruise around the sandbox in my new penis extension, go back to all those mean asteroids that once bullied me, and drive through a nearby puddle to humiliate them in front of their asteroid girlfriends. But no; all you can do with your new ship is fast-travel to another, entirely separate sandbox where there's space combat mechanics all of a sudden, and introducing combat at this stage is like giving us a Snickers where all the peanuts are crammed into the last two bites. Although, you don't even have to fight them, so it's more like all the peanuts are put in a little Ziploc bag and taped to the outside.
* This might be related to ''Breathedge'''s deliberate attempt at fourth wall-breaking subversive comedy, which, early on, I thought worked well and gave it a humorous edge that made it stand out in the garbage trawler that is indie survival craft 'em ups. But while a fourth wall break is surprising and funny, all subsequent fourth wall breaks is just waving your comedy hammer at empty air, and the omnipresent fast-talking A.I. narrator who flips back and forth between doing a comedy motormouth bit and just talking too fast 'cos they're not a very good voice actor really starts to grate when they constantly point out all the gags. &quot;Oh no! You can't get past here without crafting another piece of arbitrary bullshit! The developers, who are me, who are writing these words that I'm saying, must be trying to pad the gameplay out; what a bunch of scamps. Oh, look! It looks like something is about to happen! Oh, my goodness! The thing we were all expecting didn't happen the way we were expecting it! What a clever subversion on the part of the developers who are writing these words.&quot; See, there's poking fun at yourself, and then there's poking a finger so far up yourself, you can pull undigested Cheerios out of this morning's breakfast.

=== [[w:Persona 5 Strikers|Persona 5 Strikers]] ===
* I like the ''Persona'' series; I guess I'm just owning that now. I like the concept of a magic world formed from the subconscious minds of humanity so you can go into the head of someone you don't like and kick the furniture around until miniature chairs fly out of their ears. Come to think of it, I also liked ''Yakuza: Like a Dragon'', and ''Ni no Kuni II'' somewhat, and ''EarthBound'' and ''Chrono Trigger'' back in the day-- Dammit, do I actually like JRPGs, and I just hate reviewing them because I only have a week to play, and they've usually got runtimes inversely proportional to the length of all the female characters' booty shorts? Hang on, let me stare at this anime character for a bit. Hmmm... Nope, still looks like the grotesque offspring of an inflatable sex doll and a three-point electrical socket.
* Don't expect to keep up if you haven't played through ''Persona 5'', 'cos the gang's all here from the outset: Sporty Spice, Scary Spice, Posh Spice, Arty Spice, Model Spice, Hacker Spice, er... Cat Spice, and lest we forget, Protagonist Spice. Is it me, or is there a lot of dead weight in the Phantom Thieves? I suppose once you've watched someone awaken their Persona while dramatically screaming and ripping their face off and bursting into flames, probably a bit awkward at that point to say, &quot;Sorry, party's full, but we'll keep your résumé on file.&quot;
* In closing, I'd like to repeat something I once said about the ''Yakuza'' games: Isn't it odd how contemporary Japanese games always feel like they have to sell Japan as well? The way the Phantom Thieves stop at every tourist hotspot and have many prolonged scenes of them scarfing down the local cuisine, it's like the game's designed for foreign tourists! Maybe it's just the difference in culture standing out more to me as an outsider, but it feels like if every game set in America had characters going, &quot;Oh boy! I can't wait to go to McDonald's for one of our famous Big Macs, and then go down to the Walmart and watch the traditional running of the shitheads!&quot;

=== Harvest Moon: One World ===
* Okay, I looked this up, and I think I've got the details square: The popular and influential Japanese cutesy farming sim franchise ''Farm Story'' was published by Natsume in the West under the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;; in 2014, the developer switched publishers, and its games have since been released in the West under the name &quot;''Story of Seasons''&quot; because Natsume reserved the rights to the name &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot; so that they could make their own rival cutesy farming games and call them &quot;''Harvest Moon''&quot;, because they assume those fat, ignorant Westerners have reservoirs of cream gravy instead of brains and won't know the difference. Well, just dip a biscuit in my skull, because I tried out the new ''Harvest Moon'' on Switch. I enjoyed ''Harvest Moon'' back on the SNES and have clocked in enough hours in ''Stardew Valley'' to raise an actual child or moderately-sized dog, so I was curious to see in precisely what manner Natsume was buggering the franchise's reputation over a feeding trough; quite heartily, it turns out. 
* ''Harvest Moon: One World'' is the game, and while it seems to have had some noble intention to sprinkle a little more adventure into the concept so you're not just waking up and urinating on potatoes day in, day out, in doing so, it loses sight of the core appeal of these games, and there's a general air of wrongness about the whole thing, which first started sinking in when it told me to go to the cave and mine some bronze ore. There's no such thing as &quot;bronze ore&quot;, you shitwits! It's an alloy; it doesn't occur naturally! It's like telling me to go harvest a cupcake bush.
* Anyway, as the one weirdo who still thinks crops grow from seeds, you are tasked by the Goddess of Spring (or someone like that) to travel the world and reintroduce the concept of growing things; and yes, every character in this game does come across as about as stupid as this premise. I mean, for fuck's sake, there are fruit-bearing trees everywhere! What did everyone think those were? Unusually taciturn people with very delicious haircuts? The reasonable question to ask at this point would be &quot;How does one combine a farming sim with a game about journeying around the world?&quot;; the one certainty about farms is that they kind of can't go anywhere. Well, shows how much you know, because this society that failed to develop agriculture has mastered miniaturization technology; you know, it's like when you play ''Civilization'' against someone who researches nuclear fission before they've discovered the wheel. Because of this, you can pack up all your farm buildings into a convenient package and go establish yourself at one of several predetermined spots throughout the world because this society has also failed to develop the concept of land ownership, apparently.
* [That's] it, really; I'd heard that Natsume was driving the ''Harvest Moon'' ice cream van smack into the animal shelter, and I suppose I was just curious to see the wreckage for myself and pick through it for salvageable orange Frooties. In the meantime, if, like me, you enjoy fantasizing about what it would be like to have actual manual skills, there's a new ''Story of Seasons'' coming this month that's probably the one worth holding out for. Or try the remake of the GBA one that's out on Steam; keyboard controls are a bit wonky, and it's hard to get a good sexual tension going when all the love interests are proportioned like Dora the Explorer, but that's just the companionable whiff of cow manure that drifts into the farmhouse kitchen, compared to ''One World'''s hundred-yard swim down the factory farm runoff pipe.

=== [[w:Evil Genius 2: World Domination|Evil Genius 2: World Domination]] ===
* There's a lot about base-designing that feels inefficient. You're supposed to designate areas as specific rooms, but I'm unclear on why my minions need a barracks, and a dining hall, ''and'' a break room, ''and'' an entirely separate kind of break room for replenishing mental health or something. That's what happens when you let the fuckers unionize, I suppose. Furniture for one kind of room can't go in any other kind of room, which makes no sense; would it really break the interior designer's heart to shove a fucking vending machine in the break room so my dudes don't have to trudge all the way to the dining hall for a Twix? And while we're on the subject, why can I only put fire extinguishers, guard posts, and staircases in rooms officially designated as &quot;corridors&quot;? I just wanted a fucking split-level food court! Also, why did I have to research the concept of a staircase?! Where was my evil genius educated, St. Bungalow's School for the Wheelchair-Bound?

=== Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town ===
* So after I reviewed ''Harvest Moon: One Star'' a few weeks back and said it was the imperfect Pod Person replica of the original franchise that got rejected for forgetting to glue its nose on properly, and that you should probably hold out for the new ''Story of Seasons'', I immediately realised, &quot;Oh, crunchy nut bugger-flakes, I've tied my hands on this one, haven't I?&quot; I've basically endorsed ''Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town'', sight unseen, so now I have to review it to make sure it doesn't leave skidmarks on the guest towels. After all, it's not like the original ''Harvest Moon'' developers are hoarding the secret formula for light farming sims like it's the recipe for Coke; you just need a twenty minute day cycle, a brace of anime hotties and an at best truncated idea of childbirth. Some of the original ''Harvest Moon''s were stinkers, like that one on the GameCube from the &quot;make everything look like we're viewing it through a coffee filter&quot; era of graphics that had all the visual charm of the top layer of scum on the pond behind the abattoir. If you want to know if ''Pioneers of Olive Drab'' is better than ''Harvest Moon: One Wank'', then yes, it is, but that's not much of a bar to clear.

=== [[w:Outriders (video game)|Outriders]] ===
* Blimey, I thought video games were supposed to be violent! I've been doing so little killing lately I'm becoming dangerously well-adjusted. Just look at my last few reviews: idle games, management games, farming sims, last night a stray cat came into my front garden and I didn't stomp it to death. High time for some good old fashioned mindless violence. And who better to provide it than People Can Fly, the developers behind ''Painkiller'', old-school boomer shooter from before old-school boomer shooters were wallpapering the fucking rumpus room, and more recently of ''Bulletstorm'', quirky tongue-in-cheek spectacle shooter that's like ''Gears of War'' trying desperately to loosen up at the office Christmas party. I can certainly trust them to provide a murder simulator that’s at least interesting to talk about and not another bloody multiplayer-focussed looter shooter with endless copy pasted bullet sponge baddies and a cover art depicting some smug people walking slowly towards the camera. Isn’t that right, People Can Fly? Yeah, I know ''Outriders'' is all of the things I just said! I was doing a little funny, wipe that puppy dog look off your face.
* ''Outriders''' blurb file says a couple of interesting things: firstly, that it can be completely enjoyed in single-player, which is always a wonderful excuse to test that claim. Does this mean you have an offline mode, ''Outriders''? &quot;Oho ho ho ho! It's good that we can still have fun, Yahtzee!&quot; Yes, might as well admit now that this will only be a review of the first four or five hours of ''Outriders'', 'cos most of the limited time I had to play it in, the servers stayed on about as reliably as an oversized sweater on a mischievous dog. I know we're all fucking jaded to games being always online these days, but maybe, as a favor to me, you could all go back to not being jaded just for a little bit? Burn down a few shrines to capitalism? How about one shrine to capitalism? And you don't even have to burn it; we can just piss in the letterbox.

=== [[w:It Takes Two (video game)|It Takes Two]] ===
* People often say to me &quot;Yahtzee, why is it that you avoid multiplayer games, and when will you let me off this red hot grating?&quot; Well, you know, it's just that I prefer playing games to relax and unwind at my own pace and not be disappointed once again by other people and their unwillingness to learn how to tap dance properly.
* The premise is, a married couple whose relationship is bottoming out so hard it's getting carpet burns inform their friendless, presumably homeschooled and probably on the spectrum daughter that they're getting divorced. Said daughter proceeds to cry on some dolls she made of her parents for Christ knows what reason and the parents' souls get magically transferred into the dolls. Blimey! Lucky she didn't cry into some bog roll or the sandwich she was eating; that would've been a bit Kafkaesque. The parents must then work together to find a way back to normal by navigating abstract puzzle platforming fantasy worlds based on aspects of their family home, which appears to have been about the size of Windsor fucking Castle. Harangued from start to finish by an omnipotent self-help book with a slightly racist accent whom you and the protagonists will swiftly want to murder. In fact, I'd have given the game's story more points if it had ended with the family finally coming together over a cheerful backyard book burning.

=== [[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]] ===
* Now, Resident Evil has had its ups and downs, in my view: mainly downs, and specifically two ups - ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''Resident Evil 7'' - and ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' is best summarized as what you'd get at the exact midpoint between those two games. So, from ''7'', we have the first-person gameplay that, again, feels like we're piloting a refrigerator box balanced on a Roomba, as well as essentially the same plot beat-for-beat: Ethan gets toyed with by family of psychos, kills them one-by-one, discovers something near the end that ties it to the overarching ''Resident Evil'' story, the way one ties the leash of a perfectly satisfactory dog to the front of a combine harvester. The only difference is the acreage. And from ''Resident Evil 4'', we take the gothic B-movie vibe, inventory system, quirky merchant character and associated weapon upgrade mechanics, and basically the whole setting: isolated village in open-quotes &quot;Europe&quot;. &quot;Europe&quot;, eh? So somewhere between Manchester and Istanbul, then?
* &quot;Hey, we should probably do something to seem like we're not just entirely copying RE4's homework!&quot; &quot;Hmmm... what's the exact opposite of a tiny castle-owning man?&quot; &quot;A giant castle-owning woman!&quot; &quot;Genius! Fish fingers all 'round.&quot; Yeah, sorry if you got into that whole meme that arose around Lady Dimitrescu, because whoops! She's only the boss of the first area; she dies, like, two hours in, and then it's back to fantasizing about your high school French teacher in a milkmaid outfit.
* &quot;Yahtzee, ''Resident Evil 4'' and ''7'' were your two highlights of the series! Surely, a game that combines them must be everything you'd want, right?&quot; WRONG! Dirty boy! No mummy milkies for you! First of all, it's hard to appreciate the creativity on display when so many of its moments and mechanics are copied beat-for-beat from its two main influences, but more importantly, ''4'' and ''7'' were good for different reasons: ''4'' was amusingly camp and action-focused and grand in scope but ''7'' was survival-focused and benefited from a narrowing of scope that made it effectively unnerving. ''8'' as a result is a severely mixed bag. How mixed? Put it like this: there is a moment in ''Vi-li-li-li-lage'' that was the most genuinely terrifying horror experience I've had in a video game for a very long time. There is another moment some time later where you're in a dreary repetitive industrial environment fighting cyborgs, and it's about as scary and exciting as trying to squeeze past a Borg cosplayer on a narrow staircase. And when I say &quot;moment&quot;, I mean about an hour. This is part of the decline the game suffers after Mommy Milkies has spooged herself out of the game and after the really effective horror part: it's the bit in the dollhouse - alright, I presume it's okay for a review to identify the bit it's praising, I dunno, you people cry spoilers if I so much as tell you Ethan Winters' inside leg measurement.

=== [[w:Miitopia|Miitopia]] ===
* Remember the Nintendo Wii? After the Nintendo GameCube was the console equivalent of a Chinese gymnast, well crafted and colourfully dressed but painfully undernourished, remember how Nintendo followed it up with something that resembled a UFO cult's purity testing device and it sold better than mouthwash outside a blowjob factory and everyone was all like &quot;Ooh, motion controls are the future of gaming!&quot; and I was all like &quot;No, they've only attracted a short-term crowd of gimmick-loving trend followers and ultimately the long-term core audience of gaming plays to relax and unwind and not morris dance around the fucking living room.&quot; And then the consoles were all like &quot;Don't listen to grumpy trousers! Motion controls all round!&quot; Ten years on and the Xbox has had to sheepishly remove its Kinect like a hat at a funeral. The PlayStation Move is relegated to backup Christmas-themed sex toys. And the Wii itself is consigned forever to the leaky trough of consumer history with all its brown gunk encrusted controllers and cheaply made third party hidden object games about Toy Story cast after it - and I'm still exactly where I was but with a slightly nicer chair, so looks like ''I'' won, ''hunter duckers''.

=== [[w:Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts 2|Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2]] ===
* The plot, right, is that you're a lone sniper in a nondescript Middle Eastern oil nation with a new government that I guess didn't import enough ''Simpsons'' DVDs and therefore the Western powers want ousted. You proceed to oust it by tracking down a bunch of key power brokers and turning all their heads into very short lived and highly pressurised ornamental fountains, concluding with the big leader herself. You do all of that, then the very no nonsense voice in your head says well done, then you go home. I guess I was expecting a twist, like the big leader gets in a giant robot suit or some kind of fortified bunker at least and isn't just standing around in a courtyard looking like she's waiting to complain to the gardener about some neglected leylandiis. Or maybe the very no nonsense voice in your head could be lying about your targets - you only have his word that they're evil and the worst ''you'' ever see them do is neglect to close the Venetian blinds before you make everyone else in the room forever paranoid of distant shrubbery. There is kind of a twist in that there's one last surprise target you need to ornamental fountain after the main lady, but Mr. No-Nonsense Handler tacks it onto your to-do list with all the gravitas of a request that you pick up a carton of milk on the way home.
* So you have to snipe crazy long distances calculating wind drift and bullet drop-off, so it's actually rewarding when you score a headshot and it's like watching slow motion footage of a dog overturning their food bowl. But this is a modern stealth game and so as always the spectre of Cockup Cascade hangs overhead like a socially inept zeppelin. If you miss your target and set off an alert then just fucking reload, because if you couldn't cottage cheese their noggin while they were standing around daydreaming about pies then you definitely won't do it while they're sprinting to the car. And when alerted, all the enemy bodyguards instantly know your position 'cos I guess they're all experts in trigonometry, or maybe my mum made me carve my name and address into all my bullets, and they start firing back. And, mystifyingly, can hit you. From a thousand metres! Makes me wonder why I blew all my money on the sniper rifle equivalent of a Porsche 911 if a bunch of rusty AKs that a rogue nation picked up at the CIA's last rummage sale can achieve the same result!

=== [[w:Mario Golf|Mario Golf]] ===
* The point is, you know it's a slim pickings kind of release week when I seriously give a ''Mario Golf'' game a chance, but I figured, &quot;Hey! I just came off slightly enjoying the sniping gameplay in that ''Sniper: Roast Waterfowl with Carrots 2'' game, and what's golf gameplay if not sniping gameplay without the body count?&quot; And so, I set out to escape from worrying about rising income inequality by pretending to be an internationally famous public figure enjoying a sport exclusively played by rich cunts... or not. And that was the first troubling sign: when I started the main single-player campaign, and you don't get to play as Mario. The named characters are only for the multiplayer and challenge modes, I'm afraid; the peasants have to play the campaign as a custom Mii, because of course, when I play something called &quot;Mario Golf&quot;, I want to spend the whole time playing as Richard Dean Anderson or Jeffrey Dahmer. Mario, if you can slam your name over the top of this title like an artificially enlarged penis across an unsuspecting forehead, you can damn well stop scoffing mushroom tortellini in the clubhouse and put some bloody work in!

=== [[w:Ys IX: Monstrum Nox|Ys IX: Monstrum Nox]] ===
* ''Ys: Molesting Nonce'' is the latest in the courageously persistent and long-running ''Ys'' series of mid-budget Japanese action RPGs that's been about three steps behind the rest of the industry its whole life. But while the games have never exactly lit up gaming horizons like a napalm strike in nipple tassels, I tend to find them fucking adorable, like a little toddler coming downstairs at an adult party going, &quot;I'm a gwown-up!&quot;, wearing Daddy's best jacket and waving Mummy's favorite clitoral stimulator.
* ''Ys'' has gradually embraced the various innovations of the action RPG genre at its own leisurely pace, and has recently discovered that open-world sandboxes are a thing, with ''Monstrum Nox'' giving you full-on gliding, hookshotting, and wall-running super powers to let you leap gaily about a fantasy city like a flea on an extremely passive St. Bernard. A city of nondescript buildings, all decked out in repeating gray-brown brickwork like the default texture in the ''Duke Nukem 3D level'' editor, but bless 'em anyway; they're trying so hard. 
* The Monstrums shape the overall plot in that each chapter, Adol gets to know one of them, add them to his adventuring party, and discover their civilian identity, and it never ceases to be hilarious that the game keeps presenting it like we're meant to be surprised, because the Monstrum disguise basically consists of a change of hairdo. Which might make some sense in Anime World, where there are ninety thousand hairdos and three faces for everyone to share, but come the fuck on! Oh, the sassy, matronly party member with big tits is secretly the only other sassy, matronly character with big tits? Next, you'll be telling me that Prince Adam knows more than he's saying about this &quot;He-Man&quot; fella.

=== [[w:No More Heroes III|No More Heroes 3]] ===
* I'm confused, Suda51. I was under the impression there were no more heroes three games ago. Then you had a desperate struggle trying to find a few to carry the sequel the way one roots around in a stubborn nostril for the last scraps of tasty bogey before anyone notices, then the series went quiet for so long and I feel like I'd finally come to terms with there being no more heroes, only for you to find a few more lying around for another sequel. Were there ever no more heroes, Suda51? ''Final Fantasy'' never fucking ends, ''Mega Man'' is blatantly not old enough to shave - I don't know who to trust anymore.

=== [[w:Psychonauts 2|Psychonauts 2]] ===
* Ah, ''Psychonauts'', what a great game that was... I hope your fingers are still smarting from the last time I had to bring that across. Sure, the platforming physics were a bit jank and all the characters looked like their concept art had been scanned in by someone with Parkinson's disease, but it was funny and well written and ''weird'' because it was a Tim Schafer game from that wonderful golden age of the PS2 era when games could be weird and culty - I said &quot;CULTY&quot;! - because they weren't expected to make enough money to pay for the CEO's moon expedition. Unfortunately they were still expected to make some amount of money and that's where ''Psychonauts 1'' fell short on initial release, and why I had to start breaking fingers.
* ...While the look and feel of ''Psychonauts'' hasn't changed much, one significant difference is that the people creating it have aged about twenty fucking years, and Crikey Seamus O'Testicles does that come across at times. Where the first game focussed on a group of kids Raz's age and their children’s problems like bullying and having to go to the psychotic dentist, Raz's fellow interns are all disaffected teenage ''[[w:Extreme Ghostbusters|Extreme Ghostbusters]]'' rejects and the plot isn't even about them - much. They just sort of pop up as a convenient peer group whenever Raz needs someone to get embarrassed in front of; it's almost like they're teenagers in a game being written by people who don't really identify with young people anymore. Which might also explain why the plot eventually focusses squarely on the original founders of the Psychonauts, and Raz having to fix their doddery, old, [[w:Farrah Fawcett|Farrah Fawcett]]-liking brains so they can help him defeat their one-time nemesis, so from the halfway point of the plot we suddenly have to stop giving a toss about any established characters and exclusively reserve our tosses for the backstories and inner worlds of these hitherto unexplored vintage scrotes. It's like if most of the second half of ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|The Last Crusade]]'' was devoted to a flashback about Indiana Jones' dad. Yes, I'm sure Indiana Jones' dad had a jolly interesting and storied life, but I'm kinda here to watch Indiana Jones biff Nazis and snog hotties, and the closest his dad gets to snogging hotties is adding tabasco to his Sunday brunch Bloody Mary.

=== [[w:Deathloop|Deathloop]] ===
* You know what, fine; maybe time loop games can be a genre. They're a nice neat way to formalize the standard save/load function within the context of the plot and they let us live the fantasy of not having to advance beyond the present day and watch our civilization's gradual transformation into a gigantic consumer electronics landfill. But they can't officially be a genre without a proper exemplar. What ''Doom'' is to Doom clones, ''Dark Souls'' to Soulslikes, the bitter polyamory of Metroid and Vania. Yeah, I know there's been half a dozen time loop indie games, but there're so many indie games competing for attention none of them have a high enough profile, it's like trying to see magic eye pictures in television static.
* The premise is: you are Colt Vahn, grizzled mercenary type ('cos you can't exactly get a job at the DMV with a name like that) who wakes up with no memories on an island full of good-time Charlies who have deliberately locked themselves in a one day Time Loop so they can party forever and never have to deal with the ever-downsliding outside world, and Colt wants to escape from this situation, which is the first glaring plot hole for me. Fucking hell, airdrop in two crates of hard cider and a Real doll and show me where to sign, guys!
* Colt discovers that the only way to kill the loop is to assassinate the eight superpowered nerds who set it up. None of whom are particularly hard to kill, but the snag is, you have to kill them ''all'' in a single loop, and they're deliberately avoiding each other, so your quest is to repeat the day until you've figured out the precise sequence of actions that will result in all of them karking it, since they don't remember things from loop to loop and will always keep the same schedule. And that's glaring plot hole number two, because why would these party nerds want to set up a time loop that resets their ''own memories'' every loop?! Surely from their perspective it would just be a normal day? One that ends with a grizzled mercenary type decanting their brain matter across the fucking Twister mat?

=== [[w:Kena: Bridge of Spirits|Kena: Bridge of Spirits]] ===
* There's nothing particularly wrong with ''Kena: [[w:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart|Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart]]'', which is probably why the couple of things I do find irksome stand out all the stronger like choking hazards in my morning porridge. And the biggest, most notable fishhook in the oatmeal for me – and I stress this might just be a me thing – is the character design. They've gone for a Disney/Pixar inspired look so everyone's got that Elsa from ''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' face, with the manipulative doe-eyes so gigantic that if you intend to get lost in them you should probably pack at least twelve days' worth of provisions, and the chubby cheeks and tiny noses and slightly unsettlingly realistic hair and constant lopsided condescending expression like they're expecting the photo for the movie poster to be taken at any moment and the general look like they've just been through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a gerbil, who in turn had just gone through Jeff Goldblum's wonky teleporter with a balloon animal. This is an art style that suits goofy family musicals about friendship, not the humourless po-faced psychopomp shit going on here. You look at their feet and slowly track upwards and your brain goes &quot;Normal proportions, normal proportions, normal proportions, ''JESUS FUCKING CHRIST'' THE GERBIL GOT INTO THE HELIUM CUPBOARD!&quot;

=== [[w:Far Cry 6|Far Cry 6]] ===
* Well, hijack my helicopters, I can't believe there’s been six ''Far Cry'' games already! Surely the concept of liberating an open world sandbox from a charismatic fuckface by clearing out base after base with a silenced sniper rifle and occasionally having to shake a mountain lion off your todger is still as fresh and exciting as a dissipating fart in a locked sauna. So what original new setting is the premise being airdropped into now, Ubisoft? Liberating a chain of remote Scottish islands from charismatic football hooligans? Liberating an antarctic research station from a charismatic penguin? &quot;No! This time you're liberating... a tropical island!&quot; Erm. You mean like in ''Far Cry 3''? And ''Far Cry 1''? &quot;No, of course not. You're in the Caribbean for a start. That's slightly more equatorial than the last two tropical islands. Probably. And anyway, this time you're liberating the tropical island from a charismatic totalitarian dictator.&quot; Like the one in ''Far Cry 4''? &quot;Look, if you like freshness so much, why don't you piss off to your local Whole Foods and stick your head under the intermittent broccoli misting device?!&quot;
* On the fictional tropical probably slightly more equatorial island of Yara, a charismatic totalitarian dictator – with the emphasis on ''dick'' – is oppressing the people, and you are a generic ex-military type with ties to the resistance and a mysterious tendency to go on violent rampages as favours for people you've just met. You're planning to get on a refugee boat and escape to America, where you will happily live out your days getting blamed for all the nation's problems by chronically obese people in motorized wheelchairs, but moot point because you're going to escape about as surely as the annoying fly in my kitchen when I'm holding the back door wide fucking open, so of course your boat gets shot up and all your friends die and you wash up on the beach. Interestingly though, this doesn't change your motive. You only sign up with the rebels so they'll give you another, less shot up boat to escape to Disneyworld in. Which they do, also interestingly, at the end of the first chapter. Wishing you the best of luck with your Burger King application. So I'm looking at this boat thinking &quot;Hang on, this smacks of that 'joke ending' thing the last couple of ''Far Cry''s have done where you can make your character flat out not start the game and piss off home instead.&quot; And I was buggered if I was gonna play the whole first chapter again, so I just meekly went back to the rebels and magically became a die hard dedicated revolutionary because the premise demanded it. This annoyed me because in previous games – well, mainly just 3 – I enjoyed the way the main character and his motives developed organically over the course of the plot, but this feels like they're asking me to do all the work. What, do I just invent my own reason for why my dude abandons his escape plan and joins the rebels? Fine. I'm also going to invent that he secretly draws Gummi Bears porn and has a model 19th century sailboat instead of a cock. Whee, this is fun.

=== [[w:Back 4 Blood|Back 4 Blood]] ===
* Oh boy, another entry for the hall of &quot;thinly disguised remakes of games made by creators who don't have the rights to the originals anymore.&quot; And yes, it was a lot of work fitting all that on the plaque by the door. This time it's Turtle Rock, the original creators of zombie shooter ''Left 4 Dead'', bringing out their new zombie shooter, ''Back 4 Blood''. Boy, that disguise is thin even by the usual standards, isn't it? That's like a uniformed policeman trying to go undercover by putting his hat on backwards.
* The &quot;4&quot; in the name comes from there being 4 playable characters, you see. Which is a bit weird, since ''Back 4 Blood'' has 8 playable characters. Yeah, you can only have four playing at a time but if you're into number puns there's a lot you can do with 8. &quot;Running L-8&quot;, &quot;Zombies 8 My Face&quot;? Oh wait, not zombies, &quot;infected&quot;! No wait, not &quot;infected&quot;, &quot;Ridden&quot;! ''Ridden?'' That's a word that just reeks of &quot;we had to come up with a legally distinct alternative,&quot; isn't it? No one in reality would call them &quot;The Ridden&quot;. What, are we up against a resistance group founded by disgruntled domestic horses? I keep misreading it as &quot;the Riddler&quot; and wondering if civilization has finally been brought down by Batman's most confounding foe.

=== [[w:Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy|Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy]] ===
* Oh, you want opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy'', do you? Oh boy, do I have opinions on ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. On the one hand it's a snot-squirtingly mediocre game that like so many AAA games of its ilk has the air of something that was stitched together from preexisting templates by about nine different teams who haven’t been talking to each other since a harrowing experience at the company picnic, but it also has a licensed soundtrack that includes &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;, so on the other hand it's my game of the year, no more questions, please. I can only assume someone at Square must've stolen my high school crush diary, 'cos how else would they know that &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot; is my one weakness? See, there's absolutely no action a living being can take that doesn't become slightly cooler when it's done to &quot;Kickstart My Heart&quot;. Even fingerpainting with Grandma takes on a sort of air of euphoric defiance.
* Our story begins with Star-Choad and his motley crew – Drax &quot;pro-wrestler named after a bathroom disinfectant&quot; The Destroyer, Rocket &quot;My motion capture animation makes me look like a tiny person in a mascot costume&quot; Raccoon, Gam &quot;I don't really have anything to do in this plot&quot; Ora, and Rocket Raccoon's pot plant – flying through space doing their best ''Cowboy Bebop'' impression when their latest money-making scheme goes awry and they get embroiled in a threat against the entire galaxy that they must overcome by finally learning to come together and work as a team, which they do about eight or nine times at a conservative estimate. Because AAA only makes two kinds of single player games these days – open worlds, and this thing. A tortuously drawn out sequence of clunkily separated gameplay modes strung together like a collage on the wall of a primary school classroom. It's got a token combat element relegated strictly to samey enclosed combat arenas, action set pieces possibly involving quick time events or their kissing cousin: the chase sequence where you die instantly if you do anything other than press forwards, and all of that is spaced out with prolonged sequences of walking very slowly through spectacular skyboxes, occasionally squeezing through very narrow passages so the rendering engine can have a quick swig of energy drink before the next spectacular skybox. Throughout these slow bits the characters banter. ''By the anal fistwork of the Siddhartha Buddha'', do they banter! You can't stop 'em! It's like that Spider-Man three panel daily newspaper comic, where Spider-Man has to recap that he's up against Doctor Octopus nineteen times in a single lunch meeting. They bang on about what they're doing, what they just did, what they're about to do... &quot;Ooh, the boss we're about to fight is supposed to be like ninety feet tall with wings like stage curtains and teeth like an overbooked Ku Klux Klan meeting&quot; – Which usually turns out to be true even though it sounded like they were setting up a gag where the boss turns out to be a goat in a hat or something. I feel sorry for the no doubt small legion of poor bastards they had writing all this shit because about 75% of the conversations got cut off by me entering a narrow passage or starting the next set piece because of my infuriating desire to progress in the game at slightly above a slow walking pace.

=== [[w:Call of Duty: Vanguard|Call of Duty: Vanguard]] ===
* &quot;Well, go on then, Yahtz, tell us World War II shooters are overdone. And while you're at it, be sure to inform us that water is wet and modern political discourse is fucked.&quot; Ironically, pointing out World War 2 shooters are overdone is, itself, overdone. We're stuck in the fucking ouroboros of tedium, the snake eating its own tail while complaining that the seasoning is bland. Actually, I wasn't going to rag on ''Call of Duty'' for going &quot;Nazi-fartsy&quot; on us again, because I've come to accept that while shooters can't seem to get away from World War II, it definitely hasn't been for want of ''trying''. The ''Modern Warfare'' trend was about as valiant an attempt as one could expect, and we all know where that ended so, ''fuck it'', let shooters have their fucking comfort zone. It's the only uncomplicatedly good setting for a quote &quot;realistic&quot; shooter. Get too close to the present and war's mainly decided not by the ground-level machine gun exchanges that FPSes bank on, but by whose tech can make the biggest explosion happen the furthest away. Also it's still the war with the best narrative. Where the writers weren't trying to frame the side with aircraft carriers and predator drones as the plucky underdogs struggling valiantly against an opponent armed mainly with harsh language and angry livestock. Besides, the lesson &quot;don't be like the Nazis, ''you stupid fucks''&quot; is one that certain audiences still haven't properly internalised in this modern age apparently, so fuck it, all is forgiven, World War II shooters.

=== [[w:Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition|Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition]] ===
* Ooh, you want to be very careful about declaring any release of anything to be the &quot;definitive&quot; version. Partly because I think that's a subjective thing. There will be people out there for whom their &quot;definitive&quot; experience of watching ''The Crying Game'' was at three in the morning blitzed out on mescaline with both feet immersed in buckets of wallpaper paste. And as for removing previous versions of the thing from sale, well, let me tell you a cautionary fable about a proud little man named George Lucas who decided that no one had any need for any version of the original ''Star Wars'' trilogy that didn't have added Loony Toons sound effects and CG as dated as Sean Connery's relationship advice. And now George Lucas has to sit there and plaster on a smile as the Disney corporation peels the skin off his life's work and stretches it so thin it would disappoint a Marmite enthusiast.
* &quot;Remaster&quot; is becoming rather a foreboding word in my glossary. Not a &quot;re-release&quot;: same game with stability tweaks and maybe a nice resolution upgrade to pad out the shelf-life. Nor a &quot;remake&quot;: a complete ground-up reinterpretation through the lens of modern sensibilities, polishing up the mechanics and filtering out the gay jokes. Remastering is a cold and unpleasant No Man's Land between the two, wanting the nostalgia cash-in of the latter while only putting in the level of effort required for the former. Except for the QA-department, which in this case was putting in the level of effort required for a permanent vegetative state. All they've really done is put the textures through an HD filter and updated the lighting engine. And when you do that with boxy turn of the millennium era 3D environments you end up with a look that I like to call &quot;Little Timmy got loose on the custom level editor.&quot; The retro textures were a match for the janky retro 3D physics and unrefined gameplay design. The characters' faces were indistinct enough your brain was willing to give their intended expression the benefit of the doubt. Now you've got the uncanny valley effect that comes from everyone emoting like ''Thomas the Tank Engine'' characters. It's like, I can't appreciate the effort you put into applying lipstick to this pig, Rockstar, because now I'm going to feel weird about eating it. And also the lipstick has somehow given the pig dysentery, because even this easy mode remastering has made it explode with crash bugs and graphical glitches like those masks from ''Halloween III''. I was playing the PS5 version – 'cos you may remember the PC release got yanked back off stores on day one like a disobedient dog off an unguarded picnic – and even that was crashing to home more often than a thirty year old liberal arts major. And after all this they still didn't fix some of the things about the old GTAs that could have used a remaster. Like the way half the voice lines in ''San Andreas'' were compressed right the fuck down to fit on a CD and now they all sound like you're listening to them while pouring Captain Crunch down your earholes.

=== [[w:Halo Infinite|Halo Infinite]] ===
* Since ''Halo Infinite'' takes influence from open world shooters, there is a quite inexhaustible supply of bastards because what else are you gonna do in post-ending fuckabouts mode? I say &quot;takes influence from open worlds&quot; rather than flat out &quot;is an open world&quot;. Certainly there's an open world in it. One that showed up late to the final exam for open worlds and had to hastily scribble out an assignment that it turned out was from last year's syllabus. It's like some board of directors heard about this open world thing the kids like and told market research to compile a powerpoint, and they came back with &quot;copy pasted towers and base assaults as far as the eye can see&quot;. And besides when it forces you to climb four copy pasted towers spread out around the map before it lets you into the next part, the overall plot doesn't really engage with the open world. Completing the optional base assaults or side activities doesn't give you any significant edge in standard gameplay, since the most powerful pew pew laser guns are always conveniently strewn around every combat and boss arena like mini-fridges in hotel rooms and none of the optional crap you can do makes them pew pew any harder. For you see while ''Halo'' is flirting with open worlds, it will never stray from its true love: shiny corridors. Its eye might have briefly been drawn by the open world's sensuous curves but its love for shiny corridors is the kind of unyielding emotional bedrock on which contented marriages are built. So the open world sections are separated by plot missions where you complete inescapable sequences of enclosed arenas connected by shiny corridors now you're done fooling about with your open world hussy. And I feel ''Halo Infinite'' should've picked a lane. Why not go full ''Breath of the Wild''? Maybe Ms. Open World can't offer stability, but it might've livened up your dull middle age, Halo. Trying to talk the missus into this undignified polyamory is only going to look bad in divorce court. But with an open world comes a need for traversal mechanics, most ''Halo'' vehicles flip over if they drive over anything larger than a chocolate raisin and the terrain is usually about as even as a section of your grandmother's upper thigh served with crinkle cut chips, so to counterbalance all that, Master Chief gets a fucking hookshot. ''And I fucking love it!'' It's not as fast or as versatile as, say, the ''Just Cause'' hookshot, probably because it has to haul around the dump truck Master Chief is constantly wearing and all the Mars bars secreted in the glove compartment, but there are very few games that wouldn't be improved by a grappling hook. Losing at ''Civilization'' wouldn't be so bad if I had the option of a dignified exit. So I was hook-shotting up to vantage points to descend upon enemy bases, hook-shotting into vehicles to hijack them, and outside the open world, hook-shotting my merry way down shiny corridors to avoid wearing out Master Chief's plimsolls. But for some reason the game seems to have mistaken this core traversal mechanic for a gimmicky gadget. You have to unequip the grappling hook to use deployable cover, dodge thrusters or see enemies through Walls-o-Vision. So guess what three things I never fucking used.

=== [[w:Five_Nights_at_Freddy's:_Security_Breach|Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach]] ===
* ''...Security Breach'' is a full-on first-person stealth shooter Metroid-vania reminiscent of ''Alien: Isolation,'' if ''Alien: Isolation'' had '''''fucking sucked prehensile slimy dick!'''''  I don't even ''have'' to review it.  I only started playing it in case my ''Dying Light 2'' code didn't come in, and it did.  But when it did, I said to myself, &quot;Y'know what?  Techland's new over-produced grind-a-thon can wait its fucking turn, because ''Security Breach'' is very bad and I want to hurt it!&quot;
* Eventually I did this enough times that the game went, &quot;Oh! It's coming up on six o'clock! You can go the main entrance and leave!&quot;  Feels like there's a lot of the map that hasn't been used yet, but I am so not going to question this; got to the exit, the game goes, &quot;''Psych!''  This is the bad ending!  You gotta keep playing to get the rest of the plot.&quot;  D'oh, the old ''Symphony of The Night'' trick.  Okay, guess I won't leave.  &quot;Great!  We are now permanently disabling saving the game.&quot;  '''''WHAT!?'''''  ''Why the fuck are you doing that?''  Are you embarrassed about the good ending or something?  Are your knickers in shot at one point and now you're going to discourage me from trying?  Well, mission fucking accomplished!
* I can only assume that using jump-scares to provoke funny reactions from streamers started getting old, and now they're seeing if similar results can be achieved from just annoying the shit out of them.  And if that ''is'' the case, look at me falling right into the trap.  I hope the sweetness of that victory covers up the taste of ''MY DIIIIIICK!''  [https://www.escapistmagazine.com/five-nights-at-freddys-security-breach-zero-punctuation/]

=== [[w:Pokémon Legends: Arceus|Pokémon Legends: Arceus]] ===
* ...''Pokémon Legends: Arceus'' is basically ''Pokémon'' as an Isekai. Just the thing for all you ''Pokémon'' fans who were concerned that ''[[w:Pokémon GO|Pokémon GO]]'' had made the franchise marginally less embarrassing to talk about in grown-up conversations. The premise is, you are generic contemporary gender to be determined Pokémon trainer who I guess fell off the stage in ''Smash Brothers Brawl'' or something and wakes up in the olden days of the Pokémon world when Pokémon training has only just become a thing. The protagonist swiftly astonishes the primitive locals and is hailed as a hero from the sky when they show no fear towards some tiny adorable fluffy helpless baby animals and beans them all in the skull. Silly, yes, but finally a ''Pokémon'' game where it kinda makes sense that you seem to be the only trainer who's figured out they can carry more than three or four of the buggers. Soon we get recruited by a quote &quot;surveying&quot; organization who have tasked themselves to quote &quot;survey&quot; all the local Pokémon by capturing them and forcing them into either manual labour or gladiatorial combat. You know, the same way Columbus &quot;surveyed&quot; the Americas. Or how one &quot;surveys&quot; an ant colony with a kettle of boiling water.

=== [[w:Babylon's Fall|Babylon's Fall]] ===
* I tried out ''Babylon's Fall'', Platinum's new live service hack-n-slashathon on PS5, or had a crack at it if you will, not that it made it easy. First it wouldn't even start without a PS Plus subscription, even though I only wanted to play single player because y'know, humanity. It's like a highway bypass: I understand why it needs to exist but I'd rather not have one in my house. Got past that and ''Babylon's Fall'' still wouldn't unbutton its top until I also signed into a Square Enix account. What the fuck possible benefit do you imagine I'd extract from signing up for another fucking account, Square Enix, other than one more excuse to never check my email?! Christ, this is like trying to get through airport security with an inflatable novelty suitcase nuke. But eventually I got through it all and when I was on the other side of the metal detector putting my shoes back on and admiring the new tag they'd punched through my ear, I cast a look around and thought to myself: &quot;Oooh. This looks like shit!&quot; As in, it literally resembles faecal matter, decked out mostly in glistening browns except for a streak of vibrant blue from an accidentally swallowed whiteboard marker. It looks like a PS3 game, all brown and flatly lit with characters textured and animated like a papier-mâché diorama about kitchen utensils. It even has a classic case of cheaping out on the cutscenes by just panning over still images with increasingly agonizing slowness. I thought the download size was suspiciously small.

=== [[w:Tiny Tina's Wonderlands|Tiny Tina's Wonderlands]] ===
* Hey, kids! Are you trying to write a comedy game but are worried you don't have the chops? Well, worry no more! ''You don't.'' But you can fake it 'til you make it with the patented ''Borderlands'' method! A simple three-step process that will turn any dry functional dialogue line into gut-busting hilarity. Step one: Say the thing. Step two: Keep talking like you're a socially inept party-goer who's just had his first line of coke. Step three: Transition into some kind of embarrassed tangent to reflect a level of self-awareness otherwise largely absent from the work. Let's see it in action! &quot;Go through that door&quot; becomes &quot;Go through that door, because there's probably treasure on the other side, and by 'treasure' I mean 'more hideous violence against strangers' which is treasure to me. My doctor says I should get out more.&quot; Now was that funny or what? No, it wasn't, not in the least. But it does have a sort of comedy vibe about it and maybe that's all you need. You know, it's comedy in the sense that Owen Wilson is an actor. Obviously I'm being facetious here, there's a lot more to ''Borderlands''' specific brand of humour than just characters who talk too much. Sometimes they do it in a silly voice as well. And some of them shout a lot.

=== [[w:Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin|Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin]] ===
* In the prologue of ''Final Fantasy 1'', the four Light Warriors travel to a nearby castle to rescue the kidnapped Princess Sara from the corrupted knight Garland. And ''Stranger on Top of Paradise'' seems to be doing pretty much the same thing until you defeat Garland at the end of the first dungeon, at which point Garland transforms into a girl wearing nothing but a basketball jersey who explains that she was also on a quest to defeat Chaos but decided Chaos didn't exist, and so prayed to Chaos to become Chaos and get defeated, but now she's been defeated so she's failed somehow. And that specifically was the first moment that made me wonder what the fuck this game was drivelling on about, by no means the last. She joins the party and it turns out her name's &quot;Neon&quot;. Aha, I said. Jack, Ash, Jed and Neon, is this a clever riff on how the original game would only allow you to enter names a maximum of four letters long? &quot;Possibly. Anyway, here's your fifth party member, Sophia.&quot; Well fuck you, game.
* Would I be right in assuming that ''Stranger in the Vicinity of Paradise'' got cut down a bit during development? I assume it was going to have a full-on overworld with towns you can explore full of NPCs that all drivel out one utterly banal sentence when you press on their heads. And all that got cut, because the final game is a linear sequence of combat dungeons and cutscenes that you pick from a fucking menu that they drew a map on so you can pretend it's an overworld. And I guess they'd already written the NPC dialogue, because rather than let it go to waste they stuck a submenu at the bottom of the map screen where you can click a name on a list to get subjected to one of the copy-pasted townsfolk making an insipid observation on the current state of the plot. Very useful feature if you happen to have breast cancer and will only survive by boring your own tits off. The budget cuts also hit the combat dungeons to an extent, because so much of them consist of copy pasted identical corridors I was constantly getting turned around and confused. If you want to know where all the money did go, I'd bet on the weapons and armour department. You are constantly being showered with new equipment, every piece of which is lovingly designed and attached to your character model even in cutscenes, ensuring that the light warriors constantly look like they're going to a costume party as the donation bin in front of a second hand kitchenware shop. I wonder if the people doing the face animation for cutscenes knew that the cast would be wearing full face masks most of the time. I further wonder if the armour department's coffee machine ever didn't contain piss.

=== [[w:Trek to Yomi|Trek to Yomi]] and Ravenous Devils ===
* ''Trek to Yomi'''s plot suffers from a bad case of &quot;So ''this'' is what we're doing now?&quot; Where there's about nine different inciting incidents and it takes way too bloody long to get through all of them. In which case I need to drop a spoiler warning, 'cos in explaining the setup of the plot I'll give away like two thirds of it. At first we're a novice samurai whose master gets killed by the big baddie, which is such a trite scenario I'm pretty sure they sell pre-written sympathy cards for it. But then we forget about that and go off to save a village from bandits, promptly fuck that up, try to save our own village from bandits, fuck that up too, die and wake up in Japanese hell, where we must journey to confront our sins and those we wronged in life. Okay, ''this'' is what we're doing, gotcha! Took your fucking time getting to the point.

=== [[w:The Quarry (video game)|The Quarry]] ===
* I'll say this for Supermassive Games, they are world class experts at creating entire casts of characters that I instantly and completely despise. They should take a side gig making war propaganda. If they made one of these games starring a bunch of Russian military officers, I'd join the Ukrainian defense force before you can say &quot;Pierre Kirillovich Bezukhov&quot;. A lot of that comes from the animation. There's still an awkwardness about the motion capture faces, because of course &quot;Haunted Quarry&quot; is a synonym for &quot;Uncanny Valley&quot;. There's something very wrong with everyone's mouths and teeth, like they’ve been enlarged in post-production or something. The stock &quot;sexy girl&quot; character in particular looks like she's trying to talk through a bagel that’s been hot glued to her face. But the dialogue makes me hate them all, too. Everyone's got a bad case of verbally explaining their personalities to each other. &quot;Why are you always so upbeat?&quot; &quot;Why are you always cracking jokes?&quot; Those were jokes, were they? Fuckin' news to me. I couldn't decipher them through your private language of arrogant snorts, and constant needlessly abrasive digs at each other. Basically every two way dialog choice comes down to &quot;be a complete prick&quot; or &quot;be a partial prick&quot; and even exclusively taking the second option it still felt like everyone was trying to break the loathsomeness speed record: &quot;Okay, I hated you after six words of dialogue, let’s see who can beat that. Whoa, hold the phone, the buff jock dude’s wearing a backwards baseball cap. He wins. He did it in zero.&quot;
* Like all Supermassive's prior choose your own adventure books, if the intention is to make me feel like I'm watching a movie, I'd think it was a very poorly edited one. It's always painfully obvious when alternative dialogue has been swapped in, 'cos there'll be an awkward pause and someone's emotional state will mysteriously swivel on a dime. The geography of each scene is very poorly established. Characters have a weird habit of teleporting in and out of the room between cuts. Like, we fight off a monster and then oh no, the monster is attacking Lance Henriksen now and I'm like &quot;When the fuck did Lance Henriksen get here?&quot; Was I supposed to intuit that from the general air of slightly improved acting talent in the atmosphere?

=== [[w:Bob's Game|Bob's Game]] ===
* ...In the mind of its creator, ''Bob's Game'' was so much more than a pixelated distraction any halfway competent RPG Maker user could've farted out in a month – ''Bob's Game'' was a vision. One to which only one platform could do proper justice, and that was a Nintendo handheld. So he eschewed the small publishers that expressed interest and applied for an official Nintendo DS development kit. Now, Nintendo is a big company with a lot on their plate between making Mario pencil-cases and removing Princess Peach panty shots from ''Smash Bros'', so they did with Pelloni's application what they presumably do with any correspondence from wide-eyed random no-name twats: shunted it to the end of the priority list between trimming Donkey Kong's eyelashes and designing a controller that doesn't suck. And this is where the story of ''Bob's Game'' takes its whoops-we-don't-say-that-anymore turn. You might charitably say that Robert Pelloni was one of those people who had little time for the world outside his own mind. I might less charitably say he had his head so far up his arse he was getting teabagged by his own gallbladder. And he didn't seem to understand that the game's significance within his own life didn't translate into significance to anyone else. As the wait for Nintendo's response stretched into months, Bob decided this was some conspiracy or deliberate snub rather than, say, Nintendo having literally anything better to do, and so he declared that until they acknowledged the game he'd sequestered for five years to make, he would publicly protest by sequestering some more. Now with a webcam on him and with the doors locked for a hundred days. This was successful in that it made him famous amid that sector of the internet that loves to encourage weirdos, especially as he posted a series of increasingly deranged blog posts declaring himself the greatest game designer who ever lived and accusing Nintendo, multibillion dollar company and controller of many of gaming's best known IPs, of being jealous of him, penniless suburban twat. Exactly how much one should read into all this is debatable as after the thirtieth day of his protest when he appeared to be lying motionless in a ransacked bedroom, he claimed to both the internet and the nice helpful police officer that broke down his door that it was all pretend. The protest and insane blog posts had been a viral marketing campaign that we'd all fallen for like the credulous normal-brained people we were.

=== Hell Pie ===
* ''Hell Pie'' gleefully self-identifies as an &quot;obscene platformer&quot; on the Steam page, and you pretty much know what to expect from anything that calls it''self'' &quot;obscene.&quot; We're in the realms of ''[[w:Conker's Bad Fur Day|Conker's Bad Fur Day]]'' that outwardly discourages being played by innocent kiddiwinks because it's full of wee-wees and poo-poos, and as always, this is a slim and slightly pathetic façade because it's only kiddiwinks that are remotely amused by such things and actual adults who watch documentaries about the Cuban missile crisis and shit find it more tiresome than shocking. It's like when the toddler looks over to make sure you're watching before they dump an entire box of garlic powder onto the cat.
* &quot;All very well, Yahtz, but we've been stewing on the phrase 'like ''Conker’s Bad Fur Day'' without the wit' for the last two minutes and we'd like you to clarify, because that's like saying 'like Thomas the Tank Engine but without the sizzling erotic subtext.'&quot; Alright, let me draw a direct parallel. In ''Conker's Bad Fur Day'', you go inside a toilet and have a boss fight with a giant poo. And the poo sings an operatic song as it fights you with profane lyrics that rhyme the word &quot;scat&quot; with the word &quot;twat&quot;. This exhibits wit. It's wit to rhyme with shit, but it's wit. The humour lies in a poo, a very unrefined thing, singing opera, a style of music generally considered very refined. In contrast, in ''Hell Pie'', you go into a sewer, and there are poos. And there's no joke there. Some of the poo is alive and hostile and wearing Nazi helmets, but that's not a joke either. There's no comical through line from &quot;Nazi&quot; to &quot;poo&quot;. If the poos had all resembled former British home secretary [[w:Douglas Hurd|Douglas Hurd]], and had been called &quot;Douglas Turds&quot;, that would've been a joke with some wit. As it is all the game has done is dropped some poo on the floor and then looked at me as if it expected me to know what to do with it.
* The tragedy of ''Hell Pie'' is that it had a lot going for it. A strong central mechanic, a nice vibrant appearance, clear dedication and effort from its creators, but it's all let down by being really witlessly, off-puttingly crass. I'm sorry to have to side with your primary school homeroom teacher on this one, ''Hell Pie'', but poo references just aren't big or clever. And I have no idea who this game is even aimed at. Little boys whose idea of intellectual discourse is to compete to see who can yell &quot;fanny flaps&quot; the loudest in a crowded assembly? And of those, the subset that also wants to see small adorable baby animals being bloodily and painfully tortured for no particular reason every time you get a horn upgrade? All I can picture is that one kid I knew in middle school who mysteriously stopped coming to school around the time his sister showed up with burn scars and an eyepatch.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation Zero Punctuation]

[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>An All Dogs Christmas Carol</title>
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      <id>3153229</id>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:2D80:5202:3700:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663</ip>
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      <comment>/* Charlie */</comment>
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      <text bytes="2541" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w: An All Dogs Christmas Carol| An All Dogs Christmas Carol]]''''' (1998) is the final episode of the cartoon series ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series]]'' and the third and final ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' film.

== Charlie ==
* ''(as he and Itchy prepare to ram Carface's door in with a Christmas tree)'' Steal Timmy's money, huh? Drop me in the trash, huh? Shoot me up the chimney, huh? Okay, that's it! Now, we're gonna deck ''his'' halls!
* by the way if you think about that, beat it you bully

== Dialogue ==
:'''Girl puppy:''' Wait a second. This snow isn't cold!
:'''Charlie:''' Yeah, it's... tropical snow.
:'''Girl puppy:''' It's popcorn!
:'''Charlie:''' ''Tasty'' tropical snow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' Well, he-''llo'', Sasha!
:'''Sasha:''' Hello yourself, tall dark, and Blitzen.
:'''Charlie:''' For you, Cupid, I'm a Dasher.
He width= &quot;50&quot;%/&lt;
:'' itchy ''': no fair! How could he feel the Christmas tree food answer presents?

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Carface Caruthers
* [[w:Steven Weber (actor)|Steven Weber]] - Charlie B. Barkin
* [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] - Itchy Itchiford
* [[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]] - Sasha La Fleur  
* [[w:Charles Nelson Reilly|Charles Nelson Reilly]] - Killer the schnoodle
* [[w:Bebe Neuwirth|Bebe Neuwirth]] - Annabelle
* [[w:Beth Anderson (singer)|Beth Anderson]] - Martha
* [[w:Taylor Epperson|Taylor Epperson]] - Timmy
'''Additional voices'''

*[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]]
*[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]]
*[[w:Ashley Tisdale|Ashley Tisdale]]
*[[w:Chris Marquette|Chris Marquette]]
*[[w:Susan Boyd|Susan Boyd]]
*[[w:Myles Jeffrey|Myles Jeffrey]] 
* [[w:Vanessa Vandergriff|Vanessa Vandergriff]]
* [[w:Jon Joyce|Jon Joyce]]
* [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]]
* [[w:Lorraine Feather|Lorraine Feather]]
* [[w:Aria Noelle Curzon|Aria Noelle Curzon]]
* [[w:Billie Bodine|Billie Bodine]]
* [[w:Randy Crenshaw|Randy Crenshaw]]
* [[w:Carmen Twillie (actress)|Carmen Twillie]]

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0166960|An All Dogs Christmas Carol}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:All Dogs Christmas Carol, An}}
[[Category:1998 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Direct-to-video films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]]
[[Category:Films about dogs]]
[[Category:Christmas films]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2542" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w: An All Dogs Christmas Carol| An All Dogs Christmas Carol]]''''' (1998) is the final episode of the cartoon series ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series]]'' and the third and final ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' film.

== Charlie ==
* ''(as he and Itchy prepare to ram Carface's door in with a Christmas tree)'' Steal Timmy's money, huh? Drop me in the trash, huh? Shoot me up the chimney, huh? Okay, that's it! Now, we're gonna deck ''his'' halls!
* by the way if you think about that, beat it you bully!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Girl puppy:''' Wait a second. This snow isn't cold!
:'''Charlie:''' Yeah, it's... tropical snow.
:'''Girl puppy:''' It's popcorn!
:'''Charlie:''' ''Tasty'' tropical snow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' Well, he-''llo'', Sasha!
:'''Sasha:''' Hello yourself, tall dark, and Blitzen.
:'''Charlie:''' For you, Cupid, I'm a Dasher.
He width= &quot;50&quot;%/&lt;
:'' itchy ''': no fair! How could he feel the Christmas tree food answer presents?

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Carface Caruthers
* [[w:Steven Weber (actor)|Steven Weber]] - Charlie B. Barkin
* [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] - Itchy Itchiford
* [[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]] - Sasha La Fleur  
* [[w:Charles Nelson Reilly|Charles Nelson Reilly]] - Killer the schnoodle
* [[w:Bebe Neuwirth|Bebe Neuwirth]] - Annabelle
* [[w:Beth Anderson (singer)|Beth Anderson]] - Martha
* [[w:Taylor Epperson|Taylor Epperson]] - Timmy
'''Additional voices'''

*[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]]
*[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]]
*[[w:Ashley Tisdale|Ashley Tisdale]]
*[[w:Chris Marquette|Chris Marquette]]
*[[w:Susan Boyd|Susan Boyd]]
*[[w:Myles Jeffrey|Myles Jeffrey]] 
* [[w:Vanessa Vandergriff|Vanessa Vandergriff]]
* [[w:Jon Joyce|Jon Joyce]]
* [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]]
* [[w:Lorraine Feather|Lorraine Feather]]
* [[w:Aria Noelle Curzon|Aria Noelle Curzon]]
* [[w:Billie Bodine|Billie Bodine]]
* [[w:Randy Crenshaw|Randy Crenshaw]]
* [[w:Carmen Twillie (actress)|Carmen Twillie]]

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0166960|An All Dogs Christmas Carol}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:All Dogs Christmas Carol, An}}
[[Category:1998 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Direct-to-video films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]]
[[Category:Films about dogs]]
[[Category:Christmas films]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153232</id>
      <parentid>3153230</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T14:44:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:2D80:5202:3700:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3244" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w: An All Dogs Christmas Carol| An All Dogs Christmas Carol]]''''' (1998) is the final episode of the cartoon series ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series]]'' and the third and final ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' film.

== Charlie ==
* ''(as he and Itchy prepare to ram Carface's door in with a Christmas tree)'' Steal Timmy's money, huh? Drop me in the trash, huh? Shoot me up the chimney, huh? Okay, that's it! Now, we're gonna deck ''his'' halls!
* by the way if you think about that, beat it you bully!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Girl puppy:''' Wait a second. This snow isn't cold!
:'''Charlie:''' Yeah, it's... tropical snow.
:'''Girl puppy:''' It's popcorn!
:'''Charlie:''' ''Tasty'' tropical snow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' Well, he-''llo'', Sasha!
:'''Sasha:''' Hello yourself, tall dark, and Blitzen.
:'''Charlie:''' For you, Cupid, I'm a Dasher.

:'''boy puppy''': Uncle Charlie, do you have any more Christmas lights left?
:'''Charlie''': don't worry about me! I'll find those Christmas lights and thaw them back together!
''[Charlie attempts to grab one of the Frozen Christmas lights but loses his grip and falls into a pile of snow]''
:'''Charlie''': oh blast! If only I could fly like a reindeer and reach the top I'll be able to save Christmas for sure! ''[in his imagination, he is flying like a reindeer until he finally Falls and snaps back to reality]'' hey hey! SASHA!
:'''Sasha''': Charlie you need to save Christmas remember? You need to save Christmas now or else there won't be no presents and no medical reaperation for Timmy.
:'''Charlie''': how do I care about timmy? One day when I'm ready, I will be able to save Christmas soon.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Carface Caruthers
* [[w:Steven Weber (actor)|Steven Weber]] - Charlie B. Barkin
* [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] - Itchy Itchiford
* [[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]] - Sasha La Fleur  
* [[w:Charles Nelson Reilly|Charles Nelson Reilly]] - Killer the schnoodle
* [[w:Bebe Neuwirth|Bebe Neuwirth]] - Annabelle
* [[w:Beth Anderson (singer)|Beth Anderson]] - Martha
* [[w:Taylor Epperson|Taylor Epperson]] - Timmy
'''Additional voices'''

*[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]]
*[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]]
*[[w:Ashley Tisdale|Ashley Tisdale]]
*[[w:Chris Marquette|Chris Marquette]]
*[[w:Susan Boyd|Susan Boyd]]
*[[w:Myles Jeffrey|Myles Jeffrey]] 
* [[w:Vanessa Vandergriff|Vanessa Vandergriff]]
* [[w:Jon Joyce|Jon Joyce]]
* [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]]
* [[w:Lorraine Feather|Lorraine Feather]]
* [[w:Aria Noelle Curzon|Aria Noelle Curzon]]
* [[w:Billie Bodine|Billie Bodine]]
* [[w:Randy Crenshaw|Randy Crenshaw]]
* [[w:Carmen Twillie (actress)|Carmen Twillie]]

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0166960|An All Dogs Christmas Carol}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:All Dogs Christmas Carol, An}}
[[Category:1998 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Direct-to-video films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]]
[[Category:Films about dogs]]
[[Category:Christmas films]]</text>
      <sha1>0r1oxhstkwbivnhkjdeivhhtprlje0i</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Saturday Night Fever</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>80970</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153421</id>
      <parentid>3152471</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:37:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6761" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Saturday Night Fever|Saturday Night Fever]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 film]] about Tony Manero, a Brooklyn working-class youth who feels his only chance to get somewhere is as king of the disco floor.
:''Directed by [[w:John Badham|John Badham]]. Written by [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]] and [[w:Norman Wexler|Norman Wexler]].''
{{center|'''What do you do when the record is over...''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Tony Manero ==
* Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair.
* You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.
* [[w:Al Pacino|Al Pacino]]! Attica! Attica! Attica!
* There's ways of killing youself without killing yourself.
* You know what, Gus? I feel like breaking your broken legs!
* Couldja dig it?  I knew that ya could.

== Others ==
* '''Doreen''': Can I wipe your forehead?
* '''Bobby C.''': My girlfriend, she loves the taste of communion wafers.
* '''Double J.''': ''[to a girl he just got done having sex with]'' What did you say your name was?
* '''Frank Manero Jr.''': Tony, the only way you're gonna survive is to do what you think is right, not what they keep trying to jam you into. You let them do that and you're gonna be nothing but miserable.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Nice move. Did you make that up?
:'''Tony Manero''': Yeah, well, I saw on TV first, then I made it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': So, are you as good in bed as you are on that dance floor?
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, Connie, if you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you're one lousy fuck.
:'''Connie''': Then how come they always send me flowers the next morning?
:'''Tony Manero''': Cause most guys don't know a lousy fuck when they've have one. Or I dunno. Maybe they thought you was dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fusco''': You can save a little, build a future.
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck the future!
:'''Fusco''': No, Tony! You can't say fuck the future. The future fucks you. It catches up with you and it fucks you if you're not planned for it!
:'''Tony Manero''': Look, tonight is the future, and I am planning for it. There's this shirt I gotta buy, a beautiful shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': I gotta have an afternoon off, and I'm takin' it.
:'''Fusco''': If you do, you're fired.
:'''Tony Manero''': ''I'm doin' it!''
:'''Fusco''': ''Then you're fired!''
:'''Tony Manero''': ''Then fuck you, asshole!''
:'''Fusco''': And the horse you rode in on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': She can dance, you know that? She's got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
:'''Joey''': So then why don't you ask her?
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck you.
:'''Joey''': Which position?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Are you a nice girl or a cunt?
:'''Annette''': I don't know. Both?
:'''Tony Manero''': No. You can't be both. It's a decision a girl's gotta make early in life, if she's gonna be a nice girl or a cunt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, you and I got the same last initial.
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow. Does that mean when we get married, I won't have to change the monogram or my luggage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annette''': Ain't ya gonna ask me to sit down?
:'''Tony Manero''': No, 'cause you would do it.
:'''Annette''': Bet you'd ask me to lay down. 
:'''Tony Manero''': No, you would not do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Why are you such a tease?
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Don't you call me no goddamned tease!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Manero makes his way onto the dance floor at 2001 Odyssey, dancing with two girls]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Kiss me.
:''[Tony ignores her request]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': ''Kiss me!''
:''[Tony kisses her]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Ohh, I just kissed Al Pacino!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey''': Hey, Tony, Double J's been in the car twenty five minutes with some chick!
:'''Tony Manero''': So?
:'''Joey''': So, I can't get the selfish prick out!
:'''Tony Manero''': ''[to Annette]'' These guys can't do nothin' without me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': I'm sick of guys who ain't got their shit together.
:'''Tony Manero''': Well, all ya need is a salad bowl, and a potato masher, ''[mimics stirring in a bowl]'' and you got your shit together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Manero Sr.''' ''[commenting on Tony's four dollar raise]'' Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It don't even buy three dollars! 
:'''Tony''': I don't see no one givin' you a raise down at unemployment. 
:'''Frank Manero Sr''': Four dollars? Shit!
:'''Tony Manero''': I knew you'd piss on it. Go on, just piss on it. A raise says like you're good, you know? You know how many times someone told me I was good in my life? Two! Twice! Two fuckin' times! This raise today, and dancing... dancin' at the disco! ''[gets up and walks out of the room]'' You sure as hell never did!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Hey, you know you assholes almost broke my finger!
:'''Gus''': Oh yeah, you wouldn't know which one it was.
:'''Tony Manero''': I know, my middle one.

== Taglines ==
* Where do you go when the record is over...
* We want everyone to see John Travolta's performance... Because we want everyone to hear the #1 group in the country, the Bee Gees... Because we want everyone to catch &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;.

== Cast ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[John Travolta]] - Anthony &quot;Tony&quot; Manero
* [[w:Karen Lynn Gorney|Karen Lynn Gorney]] - Stephanie Mangano
* [[w:Barry Miller (actor)|Barry Miller]] - Bobby C.
* [[w:Joseph Cali|Joseph Cali]] - Joey
* [[w:Paul Pape|Paul Pape]] - Double J.
* [[w:Donna Pescow|Donna Pescow]] - Annette
* [[w:Bruce Ornstein|Bruce Ornstein]] - Gus
* [[w:Val Bisoglio|Val Bisoglio]] - Frank Manero, Sr.
* [[w:Julie Bovasso|Julie Bovasso]] - Flo Manero
{{col-2}}
* [[w:Martin Shakar|Martin Shakar]] - Frank Manero, Jr.
* [[w:Lisa Peluso|Lisa Peluso]] - Linda Manero
* Nina Hansen - Grandmother
* [[w:Sam Coppola|Sam Coppola]] - Dan Fusco
* [[w:Denny Dillon|Denny Dillon]] - Doreen
* Bert Michaels - Pete
* [[w:Fran Drescher|Fran Drescher]] - Connie
* [[w:Monti Rock|Monti Rock III]] - the [[w:Disc jockey|DJ]]
{{col-end}}

== See also ==
* [[Staying Alive]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0076666|title=Saturday Night Fever}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=movie-1018219|title=Saturday Night Fever}}

[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Romantic drama films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Films set in Brooklyn]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Badham]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
      <sha1>ld0ermgp9f6bhvrbqj9j4a69uoq9xwc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153422</id>
      <parentid>3153421</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:38:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6770" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Saturday Night Fever|Saturday Night Fever]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 film]] about Tony Manero, a Brooklyn working-class youth who feels his only chance to get somewhere is as king of the disco floor.
:''Directed by [[w:John Badham|John Badham]]. Written by [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]] and [[w:Norman Wexler|Norman Wexler]].''
{{center|'''What do you do when the record is over...''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Tony Manero ==
* Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair.
* You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.
* [[w:Al Pacino|Al Pacino]]! Attica! Attica! Attica!
* There's ways of killing youself without killing yourself.
* You know what, Gus? I feel like breaking your broken legs!
* Couldja dig it?  I knew that ya could.

== Others ==
* '''Doreen''': Can I wipe your forehead?
* '''Bobby C.''': My girlfriend, she loves the taste of communion wafers.
* '''Double J.''': ''[to a girl he just got done having sex with]'' What did you say your name was?
* '''Frank Manero Jr.''': Tony, the only way you're gonna survive is to do what you think is right, not what they keep trying to jam you into. You let them do that and you're gonna be nothing but miserable.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Nice move. Did you make that up?
:'''Tony Manero''': Yeah, well, I saw on TV first, then I made it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': So, are you as good in bed as you are on that dance floor?
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, Connie, if you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you're one lousy fuck.
:'''Connie''': Then how come they always send me flowers the next morning?
:'''Tony Manero''': Cause most guys don't know a lousy fuck when they've have one. Or I dunno. Maybe they thought you was dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fusco''': You can save a little, build a future.
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck the future!
:'''Fusco''': No, Tony! You can't say fuck the future. The future fucks you. It catches up with you and it fucks you if you're not planned for it!
:'''Tony Manero''': Look, tonight is the future, and I am planning for it. There's this shirt I gotta buy, a beautiful shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': I gotta have an afternoon off, and I'm takin' it.
:'''Fusco''': If you do, you're fired.
:'''Tony Manero''': ''I'm doin' it!''
:'''Fusco''': ''Then you're fired!''
:'''Tony Manero''': ''Then fuck you, asshole!''
:'''Fusco''': And the horse you rode in on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': She can dance, you know that? She's got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
:'''Joey''': So then why don't you ask her?
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck you.
:'''Joey''': Which position?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Are you a nice girl or a cunt?
:'''Annette''': I don't know. Both?
:'''Tony Manero''': No. You can't be both. It's a decision a girl's gotta make early in life, if she's gonna be a nice girl or a cunt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, you and I got the same last initial.
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow. Does that mean when we get married, I won't have to change the monogram or my luggage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annette''': Ain't ya gonna ask me to sit down?
:'''Tony Manero''': No, 'cause you would do it.
:'''Annette''': Bet you'd ask me to lay down. 
:'''Tony Manero''': No, you would not do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Why are you such a tease?
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Don't you call me no goddamned tease!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Manero makes his way onto the dance floor at 2001 Odyssey, dancing with two girls]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Kiss me.
:''[Tony ignores her request]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': ''Kiss me!''
:''[Tony kisses her]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Ohh, I just kissed Al Pacino!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey''': Hey, Tony, Double J's been in the car twenty five minutes with some chick!
:'''Tony Manero''': So?
:'''Joey''': So, I can't get the selfish prick out!
:'''Tony Manero''': ''[to Annette]'' These guys can't do nothin' without me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': I'm sick of guys who ain't got their shit together.
:'''Tony Manero''': Well, all ya need is a salad bowl, and a potato masher, ''[mimics stirring in a bowl]'' and you got your shit together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Manero Sr.''' ''[commenting on Tony's four dollar raise]'' Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It don't even buy three dollars! 
:'''Tony''': I don't see no one givin' you a raise down at unemployment. 
:'''Frank Manero Sr''': Four dollars? Shit!
:'''Tony Manero''': I knew you'd piss on it. Go on, just piss on it. A raise says like you're good, you know? You know how many times someone told me I was good in my life? Two! Twice! Two fuckin' times! This raise today, and dancing... dancin' at the disco! ''[gets up and walks out of the room]'' You sure as fuck never did! Asshole!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Hey, you know you assholes almost broke my finger!
:'''Gus''': Oh yeah, you wouldn't know which one it was.
:'''Tony Manero''': I know, my middle one.

== Taglines ==
* Where do you go when the record is over...
* We want everyone to see John Travolta's performance... Because we want everyone to hear the #1 group in the country, the Bee Gees... Because we want everyone to catch &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;.

== Cast ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[John Travolta]] - Anthony &quot;Tony&quot; Manero
* [[w:Karen Lynn Gorney|Karen Lynn Gorney]] - Stephanie Mangano
* [[w:Barry Miller (actor)|Barry Miller]] - Bobby C.
* [[w:Joseph Cali|Joseph Cali]] - Joey
* [[w:Paul Pape|Paul Pape]] - Double J.
* [[w:Donna Pescow|Donna Pescow]] - Annette
* [[w:Bruce Ornstein|Bruce Ornstein]] - Gus
* [[w:Val Bisoglio|Val Bisoglio]] - Frank Manero, Sr.
* [[w:Julie Bovasso|Julie Bovasso]] - Flo Manero
{{col-2}}
* [[w:Martin Shakar|Martin Shakar]] - Frank Manero, Jr.
* [[w:Lisa Peluso|Lisa Peluso]] - Linda Manero
* Nina Hansen - Grandmother
* [[w:Sam Coppola|Sam Coppola]] - Dan Fusco
* [[w:Denny Dillon|Denny Dillon]] - Doreen
* Bert Michaels - Pete
* [[w:Fran Drescher|Fran Drescher]] - Connie
* [[w:Monti Rock|Monti Rock III]] - the [[w:Disc jockey|DJ]]
{{col-end}}

== See also ==
* [[Staying Alive]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0076666|title=Saturday Night Fever}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=movie-1018219|title=Saturday Night Fever}}

[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Romantic drama films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Films set in Brooklyn]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Badham]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
      <sha1>20ewwndvgeg7en1ttxd6xwmdqkw78hb</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153423</id>
      <parentid>3153422</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:39:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6778" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Saturday Night Fever|Saturday Night Fever]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 film]] about Tony Manero, a Brooklyn working-class youth who feels his only chance to get somewhere is as king of the disco floor.
:''Directed by [[w:John Badham|John Badham]]. Written by [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]] and [[w:Norman Wexler|Norman Wexler]].''
{{center|'''What do you do when the record is over...''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Tony Manero ==
* Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair.
* You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.
* [[w:Al Pacino|Al Pacino]]! Attica! Attica! Attica!
* There's ways of killing youself without killing yourself.
* You know what, Gus? I feel like breaking your broken legs!
* Couldja dig it?  I knew that ya could.

== Others ==
* '''Doreen''': Can I wipe your forehead?
* '''Bobby C.''': My girlfriend, she loves the taste of communion wafers.
* '''Double J.''': ''[to a girl he just got done having sex with]'' What did you say your name was?
* '''Frank Manero Jr.''': Tony, the only way you're gonna survive is to do what you think is right, not what they keep trying to jam you into. You let them do that and you're gonna be nothing but miserable.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Nice move. Did you make that up?
:'''Tony Manero''': Yeah, well, I saw on TV first, then I made it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': So, are you as good in bed as you are on that dance floor?
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, Connie, if you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you're one lousy fuck.
:'''Connie''': Then how come they always send me flowers the next morning?
:'''Tony Manero''': Cause most guys don't know a lousy fuck when they've have one. Or I dunno. Maybe they thought you was dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fusco''': You can save a little, build a future.
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck the future!
:'''Fusco''': No, Tony! You can't say fuck the future. The future fucks you. It catches up with you and it fucks you if you're not planned for it!
:'''Tony Manero''': Look, tonight is the future, and I am planning for it. There's this shirt I gotta buy, a beautiful shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': I gotta have an afternoon off, and I'm takin' it.
:'''Fusco''': If you do, you're fired.
:'''Tony Manero''': ''I'm doin' it!''
:'''Fusco''': ''Then you're fired!''
:'''Tony Manero''': ''Then fuck you, asshole!''
:'''Fusco''': And the horse you rode in on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': She can dance, you know that? She's got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
:'''Joey''': So then why don't you ask her?
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck you.
:'''Joey''': Which position?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Are you a nice girl or a cunt?
:'''Annette''': I don't know. Both?
:'''Tony Manero''': No. You can't be both. It's a decision a girl's gotta make early in life, if she's gonna be a nice girl or a cunt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, you and I got the same last initial.
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow. Does that mean when we get married, I won't have to change the monogram or my luggage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annette''': Ain't ya gonna ask me to sit down?
:'''Tony Manero''': No, 'cause you would do it.
:'''Annette''': Bet you'd ask me to lay down. 
:'''Tony Manero''': No, you would not do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Why are you such a cocktease?
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Don't you call me no goddamned cocktease!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Manero makes his way onto the dance floor at 2001 Odyssey, dancing with two girls]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Kiss me.
:''[Tony ignores her request]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': ''Kiss me!''
:''[Tony kisses her]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Ohh, I just kissed Al Pacino!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey''': Hey, Tony, Double J's been in the car twenty five minutes with some chick!
:'''Tony Manero''': So?
:'''Joey''': So, I can't get the selfish prick out!
:'''Tony Manero''': ''[to Annette]'' These guys can't do nothin' without me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': I'm sick of guys who ain't got their shit together.
:'''Tony Manero''': Well, all ya need is a salad bowl, and a potato masher, ''[mimics stirring in a bowl]'' and you got your shit together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Manero Sr.''' ''[commenting on Tony's four dollar raise]'' Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It don't even buy three dollars! 
:'''Tony''': I don't see no one givin' you a raise down at unemployment. 
:'''Frank Manero Sr''': Four dollars? Shit!
:'''Tony Manero''': I knew you'd piss on it. Go on, just piss on it. A raise says like you're good, you know? You know how many times someone told me I was good in my life? Two! Twice! Two fuckin' times! This raise today, and dancing... dancin' at the disco! ''[gets up and walks out of the room]'' You sure as fuck never did! Asshole!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Hey, you know you assholes almost broke my finger!
:'''Gus''': Oh yeah, you wouldn't know which one it was.
:'''Tony Manero''': I know, my middle one.

== Taglines ==
* Where do you go when the record is over...
* We want everyone to see John Travolta's performance... Because we want everyone to hear the #1 group in the country, the Bee Gees... Because we want everyone to catch &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;.

== Cast ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[John Travolta]] - Anthony &quot;Tony&quot; Manero
* [[w:Karen Lynn Gorney|Karen Lynn Gorney]] - Stephanie Mangano
* [[w:Barry Miller (actor)|Barry Miller]] - Bobby C.
* [[w:Joseph Cali|Joseph Cali]] - Joey
* [[w:Paul Pape|Paul Pape]] - Double J.
* [[w:Donna Pescow|Donna Pescow]] - Annette
* [[w:Bruce Ornstein|Bruce Ornstein]] - Gus
* [[w:Val Bisoglio|Val Bisoglio]] - Frank Manero, Sr.
* [[w:Julie Bovasso|Julie Bovasso]] - Flo Manero
{{col-2}}
* [[w:Martin Shakar|Martin Shakar]] - Frank Manero, Jr.
* [[w:Lisa Peluso|Lisa Peluso]] - Linda Manero
* Nina Hansen - Grandmother
* [[w:Sam Coppola|Sam Coppola]] - Dan Fusco
* [[w:Denny Dillon|Denny Dillon]] - Doreen
* Bert Michaels - Pete
* [[w:Fran Drescher|Fran Drescher]] - Connie
* [[w:Monti Rock|Monti Rock III]] - the [[w:Disc jockey|DJ]]
{{col-end}}

== See also ==
* [[Staying Alive]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0076666|title=Saturday Night Fever}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=movie-1018219|title=Saturday Night Fever}}

[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Romantic drama films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Films set in Brooklyn]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Badham]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA|2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA]] ([[User talk:2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2603:6081:6A06:C373:89F5:FE62:1D1E:EAFA|contributions]]) to last version by UDScott</comment>
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      <text bytes="6769" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Saturday Night Fever|Saturday Night Fever]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 film]] about Tony Manero, a Brooklyn working-class youth who feels his only chance to get somewhere is as king of the disco floor.
:''Directed by [[w:John Badham|John Badham]]. Written by [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]] and [[w:Norman Wexler|Norman Wexler]].''
{{center|'''What do you do when the record is over...''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Tony Manero ==
* Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair.
* You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.
* [[w:Al Pacino|Al Pacino]]! Attica! Attica! Attica!
* There's ways of killing youself without killing yourself.
* You know what, Gus? I feel like breaking your broken legs!
* Couldja dig it?  I knew that ya could.

== Others ==
* '''Doreen''': Can I wipe your forehead?
* '''Bobby C.''': My girlfriend, she loves the taste of communion wafers.
* '''Double J.''': ''[to a girl he just got done having sex with]'' What did you say your name was?
* '''Frank Manero Jr.''': Tony, the only way you're gonna survive is to do what you think is right, not what they keep trying to jam you into. You let them do that and you're gonna be nothing but miserable.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Nice move. Did you make that up?
:'''Tony Manero''': Yeah, well, I saw on TV first, then I made it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': So, are you as good in bed as you are on that dance floor?
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, Connie, if you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you're one lousy fuck.
:'''Connie''': Then how come they always send me flowers the next morning?
:'''Tony Manero''': Cause most guys don't know a lousy fuck when they've have one. Or I dunno. Maybe they thought you was dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fusco''': You can save a little, build a future.
:'''Tony Manero''': To hell with the future!
:'''Fusco''': No, Tony! You can't say fuck the future. The future fucks you. It catches up with you and it fucks you if you're not planned for it!
:'''Tony Manero''': Look, tonight is the future, and I am planning for it. There's this shirt I gotta buy, a beautiful shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': I gotta have an afternoon off, and I'm takin' it.
:'''Fusco''': If you do, you're fired.
:'''Tony Manero''': ''I'm doin' it!''
:'''Fusco''': ''Then you're fired!''
:'''Tony Manero''': ''Then fuck you, asshole!''
:'''Fusco''': And the horse you rode in on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': She can dance, you know that? She's got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
:'''Joey''': So then why don't you ask her?
:'''Tony Manero''': Fuck you.
:'''Joey''': Which position?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Are you a nice girl or a cunt?
:'''Annette''': I don't know. Both?
:'''Tony Manero''': No. You can't be both. It's a decision a girl's gotta make early in life, if she's gonna be a nice girl or a cunt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': You know, you and I got the same last initial.
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': ''[sarcastically]'' Wow. Does that mean when we get married, I won't have to change the monogram or my luggage?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annette''': Ain't ya gonna ask me to sit down?
:'''Tony Manero''': No, 'cause you would do it.
:'''Annette''': Bet you'd ask me to lay down. 
:'''Tony Manero''': No, you would not do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Why are you such a tease?
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': Don't you call me no goddamned tease!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tony Manero makes his way onto the dance floor at 2001 Odyssey, dancing with two girls]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Kiss me.
:''[Tony ignores her request]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': ''Kiss me!''
:''[Tony kisses her]''
:'''Girl in Disco''': Ohh, I just kissed Al Pacino!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey''': Hey, Tony, Double J's been in the car twenty five minutes with some chick!
:'''Tony Manero''': So?
:'''Joey''': So, I can't get the selfish prick out!
:'''Tony Manero''': ''[to Annette]'' These guys can't do nothin' without me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stephanie Mangano''': I'm sick of guys who ain't got their shit together.
:'''Tony Manero''': Well, all ya need is a salad bowl, and a potato masher, ''[mimics stirring in a bowl]'' and you got your shit together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank Manero Sr.''' ''[commenting on Tony's four dollar raise]'' Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It don't even buy three dollars! 
:'''Tony''': I don't see no one givin' you a raise down at unemployment. 
:'''Frank Manero Sr''': Four dollars? Shit!
:'''Tony Manero''': I knew you'd piss on it. Go on, just piss on it. A raise says like you're good, you know? You know how many times someone told me I was good in my life? Two! Twice! Two fuckin' times! This raise today, and dancing... dancin' at the disco! ''[gets up and walks out of the room]'' You sure as hell never did!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony Manero''': Hey, you know you assholes almost broke my finger!
:'''Gus''': Oh yeah, you wouldn't know which one it was.
:'''Tony Manero''': I know, my middle one.

== Taglines ==
* Where do you go when the record is over...
* We want everyone to see John Travolta's performance... Because we want everyone to hear the #1 group in the country, the Bee Gees... Because we want everyone to catch &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;.

== Cast ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[John Travolta]] - Anthony &quot;Tony&quot; Manero
* [[w:Karen Lynn Gorney|Karen Lynn Gorney]] - Stephanie Mangano
* [[w:Barry Miller (actor)|Barry Miller]] - Bobby C.
* [[w:Joseph Cali|Joseph Cali]] - Joey
* [[w:Paul Pape|Paul Pape]] - Double J.
* [[w:Donna Pescow|Donna Pescow]] - Annette
* [[w:Bruce Ornstein|Bruce Ornstein]] - Gus
* [[w:Val Bisoglio|Val Bisoglio]] - Frank Manero, Sr.
* [[w:Julie Bovasso|Julie Bovasso]] - Flo Manero
{{col-2}}
* [[w:Martin Shakar|Martin Shakar]] - Frank Manero, Jr.
* [[w:Lisa Peluso|Lisa Peluso]] - Linda Manero
* Nina Hansen - Grandmother
* [[w:Sam Coppola|Sam Coppola]] - Dan Fusco
* [[w:Denny Dillon|Denny Dillon]] - Doreen
* Bert Michaels - Pete
* [[w:Fran Drescher|Fran Drescher]] - Connie
* [[w:Monti Rock|Monti Rock III]] - the [[w:Disc jockey|DJ]]
{{col-end}}

== See also ==
* [[Staying Alive]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0076666|title=Saturday Night Fever}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=movie-1018219|title=Saturday Night Fever}}

[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Romantic drama films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Films set in Brooklyn]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Badham]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Temple Grandin</title>
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      <text bytes="11827" xml:space="preserve">[[File:TempleGrandin.jpg|thumb|Temple Grandin]]

'''[[w:Temple Grandin|Temple Grandin]]''' (born [[w:August 29|August 29]], [[w:1947|1947]], in [[w:Boston, Massachusetts|Boston, Massachusetts]]) is a professor at [[w:Colorado State University|Colorado State University]] and a professional designer of humane [[w:slaughterhouses|slaughterhouses]].

{{engineer-stub}}
==Quotes==

* Most people don't realize that the slaughter plant is much gentler than nature. Animals in the wild die from starvation, predators, or exposure. If I had a choice, I would rather go through a slaughter system than have my guts ripped out by coyotes or lions while I was still conscious. Unfortunately, most people never observe the natural cycle of birth and death. They do not realize that for one living thing to survive, another living thing must die.
** &quot;Stairway to Heaven,&quot; ''Thinking in Pictures'' (1995), p. 202.

* “If by some magic, autism had been eradicated from the face of the earth, then men would still be socializing in front of a wood fire at the entrance to a cave.”
** Grandin, Temple. Thinking in Pictures : My Life with Autism (Expanded Edition).Westminster, MD, USA: Knopf Publishing Group, 2006.

* I had auditory sensory problems and touch sensitivity problems, I had no problems with my vision. Other people absolutely cannot stand fluorescent lighting and they're sometimes helped by a thing called the Irlen colored glasses where you try on all kinds of different pale colored glasses until it's easier to read. It stops the problem of the print jiggling on the page.
:* in &quot;A Conversation with Temple Grandin&quot; [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5165123 January 20, 2006]

* It's OK to be an eccentric; it's not OK to be a rude and dirty eccentric.
**&lt;ref&gt; http://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/health/2014/07/18/temple-grandin-autism/12861843/ &lt;/ref&gt;

* Even today, romantic love is just not part of my life. And you know what? That's okay with me.
**page 26 of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships By Temple Grandin, Sean Barron, Veronica Zysk

* Mother prepared me to live in the world, but she didn't try to make me into a social being just so I could hang out with other teenagers at the lake, or have pajama parties with other girls. Her eyes were on a bigger prize - giving me the skills and nurturing the talents that would allow me to graduate from school, attend college, find a satisfying job and live independently.
**page 48 of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships By Temple Grandin, Sean Barron, Veronica Zysk

* Since I think just in pictures it's sort of hard to think about abstract concepts so I have to have visual images like for example when I was a child I didn't really understand some of the stuff in the [[Lord's Prayer]] and y'know when it talks about &quot;the power and the glory&quot;...and I thought &quot;electrical high tension lines, circular rainbow.&quot; &quot;Thou art in Heaven&quot;; that didn't make any sense to me but another autistic person says &quot;Well I always pictured [[God]] up in [[Heaven]] with an easel.&quot;
**[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Person_(TV_series)#Season_1 First Person (TV series) Episode 1 &quot;Stairway to Heaven&quot;]

* (About the workplace) Tyrants who get into power make life miserable for everyone.
**page 31 of Developing Talents by Temple Grandin and Kate Duffy

* They may ask why nature or God created such horrible conditions as autism, manic depression, and schizophrenia. However, if the genes that caused these conditions were eliminated there might be a terrible price to pay.
**NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman {{ISBN|978-0-399-18561-8}}, p. 428

* And another reason to make sure we're not doing atrocious things at the slaughter plant is that if it is too easy to do something really atrocious to an animal; with the poor animal screaming and everything; the person who could do that might not have any problem torturing people. I remember one of the reasons that St. [[Thomas Aquinas]] said that we have to treat animals right is so that people themselves don't get corrupted.
**&lt;ref&gt; http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/mcdonalds/grandin5.html &lt;/ref&gt;

* I was attending the American Society of Animal Science meetings when the flood occurred. I first learned about it when I read about it on the front page of USA Today, a national newspaper. I grieved for the &quot;dead&quot; books, the same way most people grieve for a dead relative. The destruction of books upset me because &quot;thoughts died.&quot; Even though most of the books are still in other libraries, there are many people at the (Colorado State) university who will never read them. To me, [[Shakespeare]] lives if we keep performing his plays. He dies, when we stop performing them. I am my work. If the livestock industry continues to use equipment I have designed, then my &quot;thoughts live&quot; and my life has meaning. If my efforts to improve the treatment of cattle and pigs make real improvements in the world, then life is meaningful.
**&lt;ref&gt; https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/pages/Genius-May-Be-an-Abnormality-Educating-Students-with-Aspergers-Syndrome-or-High-Functioning-Autism &lt;/ref&gt;

* I don't like [[radical]] anything; [[Left-wing politics|left]] or right. I have a radical dislike of radicals.
** Page 256 of An Anthropologist On Mars By [[Oliver Sacks]]

* [[Oliver Sacks|You]]'ve read about action at a distance, or quantum theory. I've always had the feeling that when I go to a meat plant I must be very careful, because God's watching. [[Quantum theory]] will get me.
** Page 282 of An Anthropologist On Mars By [[Oliver Sacks]]

* I believe there is some ultimate ordering force for good in the universe - not a personal thing, not [[Buddha]] or [[Jesus]], maybe something like order out of disorder. I like to hope that even if there's no personal afterlife, some energy impression is left in the universe... most people can pass on genes - I can pass on thoughts or what I write.
** Page 282 of An Anthropologist On Mars By [[Oliver Sacks]]

* No, I played around with vegetarianism back in the ‘70s. One thing, my physiology just got to have animal protein. I get hypoglycemic, I get all light-headed unless I eat animal protein.

And I did a lot of thinking about this and I've designed a lot of equipment for meat plants. The cattle would have never been born, you know, if we hadn't raised them. And I feel very strongly, we've got to give animals a good life. I've worked really hard improving slaughter plants and animal handling and transport. And people have said to me, &quot;Why don't you work on improving conditions on pig farms?&quot; And basically, to be effective on making real change out there on the ground, you can only work on so many things. You know, you get too distributed, you're not effective. And, you know, I've got my one area I work in and I want to educate people about autism and I also want to improve, you know, animal handling and transport and make a real change out in the field on the ground.
** &lt;ref&gt; http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5165123 &lt;/ref&gt;

* Well, I want to start out that I was lucky in the ‘60s to also be taking a class in Classical Ethology by a professor named Tom Evans, where I learned that operant conditioning does not explain all animal behavior. He explained how fixed action patterns and hardwired instinctual behavior works. And I remember going on a visit to Dr. Skinner and I felt like I was visiting, you know, the grand temple of psychology. And I went up to his office and, you know, he seemed, I'm like, &quot;oh, you mean he's actually an ordinary person?&quot; And we got to talking and of course back then I wore a dress you know ‘cause, you know, ladies had to be, like, dressed up, and I had a very conservative dress on, and [[B.F. Skinner]] touched my legs.

And I said &quot;You may look at them, but you may not touch them&quot; and that ended that. And that is as he was showing me around the rat lab, I said &quot;Dr. Skinner if we can just learn about the brain then we really would know some things&quot;. And Dr. Skinner says to me &quot;We don't need to know anything about the brain, we have operant conditioning&quot;. And I just never really could accept that. You know, especially after taking Tom Evans' class at the same time.
** &lt;ref&gt; http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5165123 &lt;/ref&gt;

* I won the contract for our company to install new ramps and equipment at Beefland. Building a &quot;[[Led Zeppelin|Stairway to Heaven]]&quot; for the animals was more than just constructing a steel ramp-way into a concrete room. All of the workers, myself included, invested ourselves in [t]he project. Sometimes tempers flared, but when the job was completed, we were better friends. As the &quot;stairway&quot; began to take shape, many thoughts crowded in on me. I became aware of how precious life was. I thought about death and I felt close to God. [[Genesis#Genesis_1.2C_King_James_Version|He had given us dominion over the animals so we could make use of them]], but I realized now, more than ever, that the animals were His creation too, and, thus, they should be treated with respect. One day my blind roommate visited the plant. She reached over the side of the chute and touched the cattle. She wrote the following prayer after her visit: &quot;The Stairway to Heaven&quot; is dedicated to persons who desire to learn the meaning of life and not to fear death. You, through respect for these animals, can come to respect your fellow man as well. Touch, Listen and Remember.&quot;
** Pages 134-135 of Emergence: Labeled Autistic by Temple Grandin and Margaret M. Scariano

=== ''Temple Talks about Autism and the Older Child'' (2016) ===
* One thing that worries me is seeing, for example, the guys at the Jet Propulsion Lab who are my age. They are eccentric geeks. What would happen to the younger version of these people today? Would they have a fun job where they're the navigator for the Mars rover or would they be playing video games in a basement somewhere?

* I hate violent images in the movies. Since I think in pictures, it is difficult to get these images out of my memory. I do not want this bad stuff in my memory. Reading about violence does not upset me, it is seeing it. Cartoon violence and car crashes have no effect. The images I want to avoid are realistic depictions of torture and cruelty.

* I like Arthur C. Clark and David Brinn. I loved the movies Avatar and Gravity. My favorite science fiction TV show was the original Star Trek. My favorite science fiction movies are 2001: A Space Odyssey and Avatar. For reading materials on the plane, I read The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, The Economist, Business Week, and many others. At home I read Science, Nature, Beef Magazine, National Hog Farmer, Feedstuff, New Scientist, and The New Yorker.
** &quot;What do you like to read or watch for entertainment?&quot;

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* {{Official website|http://www.grandin.com}}
*[http://www.c-spanvideo.org/program/289706-1 ''In Depth with Temple Grandin''], interview from November 1, 2009
*[http://www.revistaautismo.com.br/edic-o-3/exclusive-interview-temple-grandin-to-revista-autismo-autism-magazine-from-brazil Exclusive interview to &quot;''Revista Autismo''&quot; (''Autism Magazine'' from Brazil)], from December 2012 (English version)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Grandin, Temple}}
[[Category:Academics from the United States]]
[[Category:Educators from the United States]]
[[Category:Biologists from the United States]]
[[Category:Health activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Inventors]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Code Geass|Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion]]''''' (2006-2007) and its sequel, '''''[[w:Code Geass|Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2]]''''' (2008), are anime television series. Both series were directed by [[w:Gorō Taniguchi|Gorō Taniguchi]] and written by Ichirō Ōkuchi. Both series have finished their broadcast run in Japan and have completely aired in the United States; in the United States, the second season immediately followed the first.

{{tv-cleanup}}

__NOTOC__
{| align=&quot;center&quot; class=&quot;wikitable&quot; cellspacing=&quot;0&quot;
! width=&quot;50%&quot; | [[#Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion| Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion]]
! width=&quot;50%&quot; | [[#Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2| Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.01--&gt; | [[#The Day a New Demon was Born | The Day a New Demon was Born]]
| &lt;!--2.01--&gt; | [[#The Day a Demon Awakens | The Day a Demon Awakens]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.02--&gt; | [[#The Awakened White Knight | The Awakened White Knight]]
| &lt;!--2.02--&gt; | [[#Plan For Independent Japan | Plan For Independent Japan]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.03--&gt; | [[#The False Classmate | The False Classmate]]
| &lt;!--2.03--&gt; | [[#Imprisoned in Campus | Imprisoned in Campus]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.04--&gt; | [[#His Name is Zero | His Name is Zero]]
| &lt;!--2.04--&gt; | [[#Counterattack at the Gallows | Counterattack at the Gallows]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.05--&gt; | [[#The Princess and the Witch | The Princess and the Witch]]
| &lt;!--2.05--&gt; | [[#Knights of the Round | Knights of the Round]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.06--&gt; | [[#The Stolen Mask | The Stolen Mask]]
| &lt;!--2.06--&gt; | [[#Surprise Attack Over the Pacific | Surprise Attack Over the Pacific]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.07--&gt; | [[#Attack Cornelia | Attack Cornelia]]
| &lt;!--2.07--&gt; | [[#The Abandoned Mask | The Abandoned Mask]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.08--&gt; | [[#The Black Knights | The Black Knights]]
| &lt;!--2.08--&gt; | [[#One Million Miracles | One Million Miracles]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.09--&gt; | [[#Refrain | Refrain]]
| &lt;!--2.09--&gt; | [[#A Bride in the Vermillion Forbidden City | A Bride in the Vermillion Forbidden City]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.10--&gt; | [[#Guren Dances | ''Guren'' Dances]]
| &lt;!--2.10--&gt; | [[#When the Shen Hu Wins Glory| When the ''Shen Hu'' Wins Glory]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.11--&gt; | [[#Battle for Narita | Battle for Narita]]
| &lt;!--2.11--&gt; | [[#Power of Passion | Power of Passion]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.12--&gt; | [[#The Messenger from Kyoto | The Messenger from Kyoto]]
| &lt;!--2.12--&gt; | [[#Love Attack! | Love Attack!]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.13--&gt; | [[#Shirley at Gunpoint | Shirley at Gunpoint]]
| &lt;!--2.13--&gt; | [[#The Assassin from the Past | The Assassin from the Past]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.14--&gt; | [[#Geass vs. Geass | Geass vs. Geass]]
| &lt;!--2.14--&gt; | [[#Geass Hunt | Geass Hunt]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.15--&gt; | [[#Cheering Mao | Cheering Mao]]
| &lt;!--2.15--&gt; | [[#C's World | C's World]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.16--&gt; | [[#Nunnally Held Hostage | Nunnally Held Hostage]]
| &lt;!--2.16--&gt; | [[#United Federation of Nations Resolution Number One | United Federation of Nations Resolution Number One]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.17--&gt; | [[#Knight | Knight]]
| &lt;!--2.17--&gt; | [[#The Taste of Humiliation | The Taste of Humiliation]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.18--&gt; | [[#I Order You, Suzaku Kururugi | I Order You, Suzaku Kururugi]]
| &lt;!--2.18--&gt; | [[#The Second Final Battle of Tokyo | The Second Final Battle of Tokyo]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.19--&gt; | [[#Island of the Gods | Island of the Gods]]
| &lt;!--2.19--&gt; | [[#Betrayal | Betrayal]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.20--&gt; | [[#War at Kyushu | War at Kyushu]]
| &lt;!--2.20--&gt; | [[#Emperor Dismissed | Emperor Dismissed]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.21--&gt; | [[#Declaration at the School Festival | Declaration at the School Festival]]
| &lt;!--2.21--&gt; | [[#The Ragnarök Connection | The Ragnarök Connection]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.22--&gt; | [[#Bloodstained Euphie | Bloodstained Euphie]]
| &lt;!--2.22--&gt; | [[#Emperor Lelouch | Emperor Lelouch]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.23--&gt; | [[#At Least with Sorrow | At Least with Sorrow]]
| &lt;!--2.23--&gt; | [[#Schneizel's Guise | Schneizel's Guise]]
|-
| &lt;!--1.24--&gt; | [[#The Collapsing Stage | The Collapsing Stage]]
| &lt;!--2.24--&gt; | [[#The Grip of Damocles | The Grip of ''Damocles'']]
|-
| &lt;!--1.25--&gt; | [[#Zero | Zero]]
| &lt;!--2.25--&gt; | [[#Re; | Re;]]
|-
|}

== Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion ==
=== ''The Day a New Demon was Born'' ===
:'''[[w:Kallen Kōzuki|Kallen Stadtfeld]]''': ''[in her Knightmare Frame]'' You fellas know full well what this badass mother can do!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:List of Code Geass characters#Lloyd Asplund|Lloyd Asplund]]''': A-ha!
:'''Bartley Asprius''': What are you doing?
:'''Lloyd''': Looking at a man who blundered, am I right?
:'''Bartley''': ''[riled]'' Why, you—
:'''Lloyd''': You really screwed this one up. Terrorists came along and stole whatever it was that you and Prince Clovis were secretly working on. Retrieving it is simple, but you want to sweep up all their compatriots in addition. Let the terrorists go, and you can find their hideout, too. ''[turns to his assistant, Cécile Croomy]'' Congratulations! Your reasoning was spot-on!
:'''[[w:List of Code Geass characters#Cécile Croomy|Cécile Croomy]]''': It was nothing. I just thought it was strange.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[C.C. enters Lelouch's mind and proposes the contract of Geass.]''
:'''[[w:C.C. (Code Geass)|C.C.]]''': You don't want it to end here, do you?
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': What?
:'''C.C.''': You appear to have a reason for living.
:'''Lelouch''': The girl? That's impossible.
:'''C.C.''': If I grant you power, could you go on? I propose a deal—in exchange for this power, you must agree to make my one wish come true. Accept this contract, and you accept its conditions. While living in the world of humans, you will live unlike any other: a different providence, a different time, a different life. The Power of the King will condemn you to a life of solitude. Are you prepared for this?
:'''Lelouch''': Yes! I hereby accept the terms of your contract!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch has just been granted Geass by C.C. and is planning to use it on the Britannian royal guards who have him cornered]''
:'''Lelouch''': Say, how should a Britannian who detests his own country live his life?
:'''Britannian Royal Guard commander''': Are you some kind of radical? Huh?
:'''Lelouch''': What's wrong? Why not shoot? Your opponent is just a schoolboy. Or have you finally realized…the only ones who should kill ''are those who are prepared to be killed!''
:''[Lelouch uncovers his left eye and activates Geass]''
:'''Britannian Royal Guard commander''': What's happening here?!
:'''Lelouch''': I, Lelouch vi Britannia, commands you! Now, all of you:''Die!''
:'''Britannian Royal Guard commander''': ''[laughs madly as he and his men are overcome by Geass]'' Happily, Your Highness!
:''[The royal guards all put their pistols to their necks]''
:'''Britannian royal Guard commander''': Fire!
:''[All royal guards present pull their triggers; Lelouch gasps in shock that he has indeed made them commit suicide]''
:'''Lelouch (voice-over)''': That was the turning point. Since that day, I've lived a lie: The lie of living. My name, too, was a lie. My personal history, a lie. Nothing but lies. I was sick to death of a world that couldn't be changed. But even in my lies, I refused to give up in despair. But now, this incredible power…it's mine.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[grins evilly]'' Well, then…

=== ''The White Knight Awakens'' ===

:''[Lelouch is musing on why C.C. granted him Geass when a'' Sutherland ''Knightmare Frame piloted by Viletta Nu barges in]''
:'''[[w:Villetta Nu|Villetta Nu]]''': ''[checks her'' Sutherland''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s visual sensors, gasps]'' How could all these royal guards be dead? ''[activates her Sutherland's loudspeakers and addresses Lelouch]'' What happened here, boy?! And why is a Britannian student in a place like this?! Are you deaf?! Answer me, or I'll-- ''[fires her'' Sutherland''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s machine gun around Lelouch]'' Answer me!
:'''Lelouch''': I order you to come out, at once! ''[activates Geass]''
:'''Viletta''': ''[is unaffected by Lelouch's Geass]'' Who the hell do you think you are to order me?!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[deactivates Geass and thinks]'' I see. It only works with direct eye contact. ''[aloud, as he turns to face the'' Sutherland ''with his hands up]'' My name is Alan Spacer. My father's a duke.
:'''Viletta''': Nobility?
:'''Lelouch''': My ID card's in my breast pocket. After you confirm who I am, I'll request your protection.
:'''Viletta''': ''[deactivates her Knightmare and disembarks, pistol in hand and pointed towards Lelouch]'' Keep your hands up in the air! I'll take out your ID.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[activates Geass]'' Now then, hand your Knightmare over to me.
:''[Viletta is overcome by Geass and points her pistol away from Lelouch]'' 
:'''Viletta''': Understood. The code number is XG21G2D4.
:''[Viletta throws her'' Sutherland''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s key at Lelouch, who catches it]''
:'''Lelouch''': Got it. ''[deactivates Geass and claims Viletta's Sutherland for his own]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd Asplund''': So, are we having a bad day?! Looks like you missed a chance to go to heaven, Private Kururugi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd Asplund''': Good afternoon!
:'''Military Commanders''': What is it?! We're in the middle of an operation!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch has just forced Clovis to order the Britannian forces to cease fighting in the Shinjuku ghetto]''
:'''Clovis la Britannia''': Are you satisfied?
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': Very. Well done.
:'''Clovis''': And what shall we do now? Sing a few lively ballads, or perhaps a nice game of chess?
:'''Lelouch''': That has a familiar ring.
:'''Clovis''': Hmm?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[removes his helmet and casts it aside]'' Don't you recall? The two of us used to play chess together as boys. Of course, I would always win.
:'''Clovis''': What?
:'''Lelouch''': Remember? At the Aries Villa?
:'''Clovis''': You! Who are you?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[walks out of the shadows, revealing his face to Clovis]'' It's been a long time, big brother. ''[Clovis gasps]'' The eldest son of the late consort Marianne and 17th in line to the imperial throne, Lelouch vi Britannia, at your service.
:'''Clovis''': Lelouch! B-But I thought--
:'''Lelouch''': That I was dead? You were wrong. ''[sustained pause]'' I have returned, Your Highness, and I've come back to change everything.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': The trick of real combat is that everyone is human.

=== ''The False Classmate'' ===
:'''[[w:Jeremiah Gottwald|Jeremiah Gottwald]]''': (on PA system) Why the hell we're letting the Elevens go? What about the poison gas they've stolen?
:'''Royal Guard''': But it's by order of Prince Clovis.
:'''Jeremiah''': What about Bartley? Get the general's staff on the line.
:'''Royal Guard''': They're not at their post, sir.
:'''Jeremiah''': Are you telling me Prince Clovis is alone on the con?
''(Lelouch confronts Clovis at gunpoint)''
:'''Clovis''': I'm overjoyed, Lelouch! They say you died once Japan was brought into the fold. What a blessing to have you back, we should depart for the homeland immediately.
:'''Lelouch''': So you can use me as a tool of diplomacy? It seems you forgotten why we were used as tools in the first place.
''(Clovis gasps)''
:'''Lelouch''': That's right. It was because my mother was killed.
''(In the flashback where Empress Marianne was assassinated)''
:'''Lelouch''': Mother held the title of Knight of Honor, but was a commoner by birth. No doubt the other imperial consorts held her in contempt. Even though you made it look like the work of terrorists, I'm no fool! You people killed my mother!
:'''Clovis''': It wasn't me! I swear to you, it wasn't!
:'''Lelouch''': Then tell me everything you know. The truth cannot be hidden from me any longer. By whose hands was she slain?
''(Lelouch use his Geass to make Clovis tell the truth)''
:'''Clovis''': My brother, Second Prince Schneizel, and Second Princess Cornelia. They can tell you.
:'''Lelouch''': They were at the heart of this? That's all that you know, isn't it?
''(Lelouch releases Clovis from his Geass)''
:'''Clovis''': (scarily) I swear, it wasn't me! I have... nothing to do with it!
:'''Lelouch''': (puts down his gun) I believe you. However...
''(Lelouch puts his gun close to Clovis' face)''
:'''Clovis''': Please, you can't! We may have different mothers, but you and I are still blood!
:'''Lelouch''': You can't change the world without getting your hands dirty.
''(Lelouch pulls the trigger and kills Clovis)''

=== ''His Name is Zero'' ===

:'''Jeremiah''': ''[as a fake version of Prince Clovis' car approaches the military convoy escorting Suzaku]'' You dare desecrate His Highness's transport? Come out of there!
''[Upper part of transport burns away, revealing Zero. Jeremiah and crowd gasps.]''
:'''[[w:Zero (Code Geass)|Zero]]''': I am…'''Zero.'''
:'''Villetta''': Zero?
:'''Reporter''': Who—who is this person, this man calling himself Zero, standing before a full military convoy?
:'''Rivalz''': ''[worried]'' What is all this?
:'''Shinichirō Tamaki''': What the ''hell'' does he think he's doing?!
:'''Reporter''': Who is this man calling himself &quot;Zero&quot;? Ladies and gentlemen, the scene down here...
:'''[[w:List of Code Geass characters#Diethard Ried|Diethard Ried]]''': Zero? What, you mean like, &quot;nothing&quot;?
:'''Reporter''': Are we gazing on a terrorist? Certainly not the wisest, if such is the case.
:'''[[w:Suzaku Kururugi|Suzaku Kururugi]]''': ''[thinking]'' Is he…an Eleven?
:'''Zero''': ''[thinking]'' Now to return the favor, Suzaku.
:'''Jeremiah''': I've seen enough, Zero. This little show of yours is over.
''[Jeremiah shoots gun, signaling more Sutherlands enter from above. Kallen gasps.]''
:'''Jeremiah''': First things first: why don't you lose that mask?
''[Zero's right hand hovers over face then feints, raising arm up and snaps his fingers. On cue, the transport's rear breaks away, revealing the capsule from the first episode.]''
:'''Jeremiah''': ''[shocked]'' What in the—?!
:'''Villetta''': Jeremiah, be careful, he's got the—!
:'''Zero''': ''[thinking]'' Yes, Jeremiah. ''[recalls when capsule first opened, revealing C.C.]'' You never saw inside this thing, so you assume it holds poison gas.
:'''Suzaku''': Wait, you don't understand— ''[electric collar activated]'' Kuh!
:'''Reporter''': Can all of you watching at home see this? It's some sort of device, although its purpose is unclear. Stay with us, and we'll see if this so-caled terrorist has anything to say.
:'''Jeremiah''': You bastard… He's taken every Britannian here hostage…and he's done it without them even knowing! ''[points gun at Zero]''
:'''Zero''': You intend to shoot? I think you know full well what…
:'''Diethard''': Unit 6, bring up the sound and get that camera right in his face.
:'''Cameraman''': Sir, it's too hairy out here. 
:'''Diethard''': ''[growling]'' Amateurs. ''[grabs another news camera and heads out to the scene]''
:'''Jeremiah''': Fine. What are you demands?
:'''Zero''': An exchange: this for Kururugi.
:'''Jeremiah''': Like hell. He's charged with high treason for murdering a prince. I can't hand him over. 
:'''Zero''': No. You're mistaken, Jeremiah. ''He's'' no murderer. 
''[Diethard runs out onto the street, zooming in on Zero with his camera]''
:'''Zero''': The man who killed Clovis… ''[looks directly at Diethard's camera]'' …'''''was myself!'''''
''[The crowd gasps]''
:'''Cécile''': Unbelievable. 
:'''Lloyd Asplund''': ''[interested]'' The real culprit, eh?
:'''Reporter''': What—What does this mean? This masked man called Zero—no, we can't be sure ''who'' he is—but in any case, he claims to be the real assassin! So where does this leave the current suspect, Private Kururugi?
:'''Kaname Ohgi''': Ugh, ''crap,'' there's no way out of this…!
:'''Kallen''': ''[trembling in fear, whispering]'' We are so ''screwed…''
:'''Zero''': For a single Eleven, you'll save scores of precious Britannians. I find that to be a bargain.
:'''Diethard''': ''[thinking]'' This is all one big performance to him. 
:'''Jeremiah''': He's mad, I tell you! Disguising this truck as His Highness's—he'll pay the price for mocking the crown!
''[Sutherlands aim at Zero.]''
:'''Zero''': Careful! You don't wish the public to learn of &quot;Orange&quot;, do you?
:'''Jeremiah''': Huh?
:'''Britannian soldier 1''': ''[confused]'' &quot;Orange&quot;? What's he talking about?
:'''Britannian soldier 2''': ''[just as lost]'' I don't know.
''[Zero taps his right foot twice, signaling Kallen to slowly drive forward—toward Jeremiah]''
:'''Zero''': If I die, it will all go public. If you don't want that to happen…
:'''Jeremiah''': What are you talking about? What is this?!
''[A small part of Zero's mask slides open, revealing his left eye.]''
:'''Zero''': ''[activating his Geass]'' You'll do everything in your power to let us go. Your prisoner as well!
''[The Geass is successful.]''
:'''Jeremiah''': Right, understood. ''[to the guards]'' You there, release the prisoner!
''[Kallen gasps.]''
:'''Villetta''': ''[shocked]'' What on earth are you doing, my lord?!
:'''Jeremiah''': ''[ignoring her]'' Get that man over here!
:'''Villetta''': Huh…?
:'''Britannian soldier 1''': Should we?
:'''Britannian soldier 2''': But…
:'''Jeremiah''': Hand him over! Nobody gets in his way.
:'''Kewell Soresi''': No! What are you thinking? You can't do this!
:'''Jeremiah''': Lord Kewell! This is an order!
:'''Reporter''': It's hard to tell what's happening from here…but it seems that Kururugi's release has been brokered!
''[Zero and Suzaku both reach the street and approach each other.]''
:'''Suzaku''': So who the hell are you—? ''[electric collar shocks him again]'' Guh!
:'''Zero''': As I thought. They didn't allow you to speak. 
:'''Villetta''': ''[reentering her Knightmare]'' If they get away, we'll lose everything!
:'''Kallen''': ''[walking up to Zero]'' It's time to go, Zero.
:'''Zero''': Well then…'til next time. ''[Zero pulls out a remote and presses the top button. The capsule releases colored smoke, sending Britannians scrambling for cover.]''
:'''Villetta''': ''[aiming at Zero's group]'' You cowardly Eleven! ''[shoots, but is stopped by Jeremiah]'' Lord Jeremiah, what're you—?!
:'''Jeremiah''': You heard me! '''Stand down! ''NOW!'''''
''[Zero, Kallen, and Suzaku jump off the bridge, escaping from the scene.]''
:'''Kewell''': They're not alone at all! They jumped right off!
''[The three land right into a net sprung by Ogi's Knightmare, landing safely into a truck.]''
:'''Ohgi''': ''[unable to believe their luck]'' It worked! Now we can— ''[Kewell's Sutherland fires]'' —ugh!
''[Kewell damages Ogi's unit, forcing the latter to eject.]''
:'''Kewell''': You imbecile! There's nowhere for you to run—!
:'''Jeremiah''': '''''Lord Kewell!''''' ''[Soresi turns to see Jeremaih aiming his Sutherland rifle at him]'' Are you going to follow orders or not? And believe me, there ''will'' be repercussions! All units, do I make myself clear? '''''Do everything in your power to help them get away!'''''

=== ''The Princess and the Witch'' ===
''[Euphemia finds and befriends a cat with a wounded leg; she shows it to Suzaku, but it bites him.]''
:'''Suzaku''': Ah…
:'''[[w:Euphemia li Britannia|Euphemia li Britannia]]''': Oh, my!
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Jeremiah Gottwald's'' Sutherland ''has been cornerned by Kewell Soresi and three other Loyalist pilots in their own'' Sutherlands'']''
:'''Jeremiah''': Damn! It's four against one! ''Coward!''
:'''Kewell''': Don't worry, Jeremiah. We'll say you died in battle. Your family's name won't be disgraced.
:'''Jeremiah''': You're serious, then?! You actually intend to kill me?! ''Kewell!''
:'''Kewell''': Silence, ''Orange!'' We serve the Imperial Family! Why else would we be here?!
:''[Kewell and the other Loyalists all charge towards Jeremiah with their lances]''
:'''Kewell and the Loyalist pilots''': ''[in unison]'' '''ALL…HAIL…BRITANNIA!!!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;25%&quot;/&gt;
(''Euphemia steps out to stop the fighting'')
:'''Euphemia''': Everyone lower your weapons at once! In my name, I command you!
:'''Kewell''': It can't be!
:'''Euphemia''': I am Euphemia li Britannia of the Empire and the Third Princess of the Royal Family.
:'''Suzaku''': (gasps) Euphie!
:'''Euphemia''': I'm assuming command here, now fall back!
:'''Jeremiah''': It is her, it's the princess.
:'''Cécile''': Didn't you know it was her, Lloyd?
:'''Lloyd''': Uh-huh, but she's been a student up until now, and doesn't need a public debut yet.
:'''Kewell''': We... We're truly.. We're truly sorry, Your Highness!
(''Kewell and the Purebloods bow to Princess Euphemia'') 
:'''Suzaku''': Milady! I have no idea who you were. Please forgive me, Princess!
:'''Euphemia''': Suzaku, you and I bear similar deep pain. You have lost your father as I have lost my brother.
(''Suzaku gasp'')
:'''Euphemia''': Will you let me help you in your quest ensure that no one ever again has to suffer the lost of a loved one on the battlefield?
(''Suzaku bows to the Third Princess'')
:'''Suzaku''': Yes, I'm... I'm not worthy of your kindness!

(''A conversation is being talk between Euphemia and her older sister Second Princess Cornelia'')
:'''Cornelia li Britannia''': I heard what you did Euphemia, you shouldn't be so reckless.
:'''Euphemia''': I know Sister, forgive me but-
:'''Cornelia''': You will address me as Viceroy here, Sub-Viceroy Euphemia. Because we're sisters, we need to follow a stricter protocol.
:'''Euphemia''': Yes, I understand.
:'''Cornelia''': Hmm. (''turns to the vice minister'') Now, then. Give me your report.
:'''Vice minister''': Yes, milady. The first order of business is a welcome party we arranged for Your Highness-
(''Cornelia points her gun at the vice minister'')
:'''Cornelia''': Sloppy. Senile. Corrupt. Where is Zero?! I want the enemy of the Empire caught! Get Zero!

=== ''The Stolen Mask'' ===

:'''C.C.''': That wasn't my fault, was it? I didn't touch or rub anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emperor Charles zi Britannia''': &quot;All men are not created equal. Some are born swifter afoot, some with greater beauty. Some are born into poverty; and others are born sick and feeble. Both in birth and in upbringing, in sheer scope of ability, every human is inherently different! Yes, that is why people discriminate against one another, which is why there is struggle, competition, and the unfaltering march of progress! Inequality is not wrong, equality is! What of the EU who made equality a right? Rabble politics by a popularity contest. The Chinese Federation with its equal distribution of wealth? A nation of lazy dullards. But not our beloved Britannia. We fight, we compete; evolution is continuous! Britannia alone moves forward; advancing steadily into the future. Even the death of my son Clovis demonstrates Britannia’s unswerving commitment to progress! We will fight on, we shall struggle, compete, plunder, and dominate and in the end the future shall be ours! All Hail Britannia!&quot;

=== ''Attack Cornelia'' ===

:'''Shirley Fenette''': I know Kallen said I had it all wrong, but it seemed like she was getting upset in order to fool me.
:'''Suzaku''': ''[holding a telephone]'' Which is why, in this case, it's best to simply ask him directly. On your behalf, I can ask him how he feels about you.
:'''Shirley''': What?! You'd really do that?!
:'''Suzaku''': Just relax. It'll be fine.
:'''Shirley''': ''[charges towards Suzaku, takes the phone from him, and slams it on the receiver]'' Are you nuts?! No way!
:''[meanwhile, Lelouch is in the cockpit of a stolen Sutherland, conducting terrorist operations in the Saitama ghetto]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[looks at his cell phone]'' Hmm? Oh, whatever.
:''[back at Ashford Academy, Suzaku and Shirley are fighting over the phone]''
:'''Suzaku''': Oh, come on, let me handle this for you! I'll be discreet!
:'''Shirley''': I don't want your help, okay?!
:'''Suzaku''': It's going to be fine!
:''[Suzaku and Shirley fumble and drop the phone, and Suzaku falls on top of Shirley; Arthur the cat is also knocked off his perch during the struggle]''
:'''Suzaku''': Sorry.
:''[Shirley gasps; Suzaku then grimaces as Arthur bites his hand]''
:'''Shirley''': Uh-oh. Does that hurt much?
:'''Suzaku''': Greatly.

:(''In the Britannian homeland, 8 years ago'')
:'''Royal Guard''': Announcing Prince Lelouch vi Britannia, seventeenth heir to the royal Britannian imperial throne!
:'''Male Noble''': I heard Empress Marianne was killed inside of the Britannia Palace.
:'''Male Noble''': There's no way terrorists could've gotten in there.
:'''Male Noble''': Which means that the real assassins must have-
:'''Male Noble''': Shh!, beware my friend, you'll regret it if anyone hears that kind of talk around the palace.
:'''Male Noble''': And yet the boy remains, even though his mother is dead, is over.
:'''Male Noble''': And the Ashford family who stood behind him is finished as well.
:'''Female Noble''': And his sister, the princess?
:(''Nunnally in the hospital'')
:'''Male Noble''': I understand she was shot in the legs and that she lost her sight!
:'''Male Noble''': Blindness caused by trauma though, isn't it?
:'''Male Noble''': No difference, now she can't be married off through political gain.

(''Lelouch approaching his father, the Britannian Emperor'')
:'''Lelouch''': Hail, Your Majesty! My mother the Empress is dead.
:'''Charles''': Old news. What of it?
:'''Lelouch''': What of it?!
:'''Charles''': You sought an audience with the Emperor of Britannia to simply inform me of that. Send the next one in. I have no time for these childish games.
(''Lelouch running to the emperor'')
:'''Lelouch vi Britannia''': Father!
(''Guards run to stop Lelouch, but Charles raise his hand to halt them'')
:'''Guards''': Yes, Your Majesty!
:'''Lelouch''': Why didn't you keep Mother out of harm's way? You're the emperor, the greatest man in this nation, if not the world, you should've protected her and now you don't even visit Nunnally!
:'''Charles''': I'm no use for that weakling.
:'''Lelouch''': That weakling?
:'''Charles''': That is what it means to be royalty.
:'''Lelouch vi Britannia''':'' (angrily)'' Then I don't want to be your heir, I give up my claim to the throne! (''Nobles gasp of what Lelouch is saying'') I'm sick of the fighting and scheming over who will succeed you, Father. I've had enough!
:'''Charles zi Britannia''': You are dead. You were always been dead to me, dead from the moment you were born. Who gave you the fine clothes you wear and comfortable home? The food you eat and your very life? All of those, I have given to you. In short, you are not nothing to me because you have never existed. Yet you dare to speak such foolishness to me?! (''Lelouch falls as his father rises from the throne'') Lelouch, you are dead, therefore you are not entitled to any rights. I am sending you and Nunnally to Japan, as prince and princess. You will serve well as bargaining tools.

:'''Lelouch vi Britannia''': Until I met you, I was dead an impotent corpse existing behind a false guise of life. A life in which I did nothing real. Day to day I simple went through the motions of living, as if I were a zombie and I always had the feeling that I was gradually dyeing. If I am condemned to go back to that then I would rather...

=== ''The Black Knights'' ===
''(During the hotel hijacking)''
''(Nina sees a Japanese soldier)''
:'''Nina Einstein''': An…Eleven?
:'''Japanese soldier''': ''[riled] What'' did you say?!
''[Nina gasps in fear.]''
:'''Japanese soldier''': ''[point his gun at them]'' We're not Elevens! We're ''Japanese'', damn it!
:'''Milly Ashford''': Yes, we're aware of that! Just lay off of her!
:'''Japanese soldier''': Then correct her! We're not called Elevens!
:'''Shirley''': Fine, we'll correct her!
:'''Japanese soldier''': How dare you speak like that to me! You three, come with me to the next room and I'll teach you a real lesson!
:'''Nina''': ''[sobbing]'' No…No!
''[Euphemia tries to get up, but is stopped by her subordinate.]''
:'''Japanese solider''': I said, ''get up '''now!''' [grabs Nina's arm]''
:'''Nina''': Ahhhhh! Let me go!
:'''Euphemia''': ''[stands up]'' Stop it!
:'''Japanese soldier''': Who the hell are you?! ''[throws Nina to the side]''
:'''Euphemia''': I demand you to take me to your leader right now! Understand?
:'''Japanese soldier''': ''What?!''
:'''Subordinate''': ''[in an urgent whisper]'' No, Sub-Viceroy, ''please!''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[takes off her glasses]'' You're addressing Euphemia li Britannia, the Third Princess of the Britannian Empire.
''[All Japanese and Britannians present gasp.]''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[to Nina]'' Are you all right, young lady? You haven't been hurt?
:'''Nina''': ''[almost speechless]'' No…
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Lelouch reveals the [[w:List of Code Geass characters#The Black Knights|Black Knights]] to the world.)''
:'''Lelouch (as Zero)''': People! Fear us, or rally behind us as you see fit! We are the Black Knights!
:'''Cécile''': Black Knights?
:'''Lloyd''': Ironic, isn't it? The terrorists referring to themselves as knights?
:'''Zero''': We of the Black Knights stand with all those who have no weapons to wield…regardless of whether they be Elevens or Britannians! The Japan Liberation Front cowardly took innocent Britannian civilians hostage, and they mercilessly executed them! It was a wanton and meaningless act; therefore, they have been punished…
:'''Diethard''': You heard me right! I said let it run! ''Liable?! I'll'' be the one responsible for this!
:'''Zero''': …just as [[w:List of Code Geass characters#Clovis la Britannia|former Viceroy Clovis]] was punished for ordering the slaughter of countless unarmed Elevens. We cannot stand by and allow such cruelty to be carried out, and so we made him pay for his actions. I will not repudiate battle on a fair and level field, but neither will I tolerate a one-sided massacre of the weak by the strong. The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed! Wherever oppressors abuse their power by attacking those who are powerless, we shall appear again, no matter how mighty or formidable our foe may be!
:'''Kallen''': ''(Thinking.)'' Knights…for justice?
:'''Zero''': Those of you with power, fear us! Those of you without it, rally behind us! We, the Black Knights, shall be the ones who stand in judgment of this world!

=== ''Refrain'' ===
:'''Kallen''': Ever since we made our big splash at the hotel-jacking, the Black Knights have taken the world by storm. We've become a friend to the weak, just as Zero proclaimed we would. Terrorists who involve civilians, an overbearing military, criminal syndicates, corrupt politicians, and profiteers; if the law would not punish them, then we would. In the blink of an eye, we'd become heroes. Support for us has swelled, and we've even gotten our hands on some Knightmares again. Of course, no one could show that in public, because... Because our leader Zero had killed Prince Clovis. There are many in our ranks who wish to know his true identity, myself included. But if we push too hard, I suspect that he would vanish. And without him... I'm fairly certain we'd be finished.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen is standing outside the Student Council room]''
:'''Kallen''': ''[yawns]'' Man, this double life sure is a killer.
:'''Milly''': ''[muffled]'' Come on, Suzaku, hold him down!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[muffled]'' Damn it, Suzaku, cut it out! ''[Kallen opens the door to the Student Council room]'' Stop it! I'm not kidding!
:'''Suzaku''': Sorry, Lelouch, but it's the President's orders.
:''[Kallen finds Nina wearing a hat and sitting at a computer and Suzaku, Shirley, Milly, and Rivalz all dressed in cat costumes and struggling to apply makeup to a visibly defiant Lelouch, who is tied to a chair and struggling to get out]''
:'''Lelouch''': Yeah, like you're not enjoying this at all?!
:'''Shirley''': Would you hold still?!
:'''Milly''': ''[notices Kallen's presence and turns to her]'' Good &quot;meow&quot;-ning.
:'''Kallen''': Good…morning, I guess. ''[Lelouch, Suzaku, Shirley, and Rivalz all look at her]'' What is all this?
:'''Rivalz Cardemonde''': What do you mean? Didn't we tell you? It's our welcome party for Arthur.
:'''Kallen''': Sounds like fun.
:'''Milly''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, classes are postponed. We might as well have some fun, right?
:'''Shirley''': We set some stuff aside for you over here. ''[points towards a rack of cat costumes and several boxes of accessories]'' To make up for all my getting upset at you before. Take your pick.
:'''Kallen''': What? For me?
:'''Lelouch''': She doesn't need a costume.
:'''Kallen''': What?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[to Kallen]'' You're already wearing a mask, right?
:'''Kallen''': ''[sarcastically, to Lelouch]'' You really are a riot, you know that? You ought to be on television.
:'''Rivalz''': ''[to Shirley]'' What do you think, Ms. TV Star?
:'''Suzaku''': Oh, I thought she meant Lelouch.
:'''Shirley''': ''[sighs]'' Would you quit joking about that?! The whole thing's a huge pain in the butt! We've been hounded with questions day and night! Even in the bath!
:'''Milly''': We haven't been able to leave school grounds in a week!
:'''Rivalz''': Not that I don't feel for you, but I don't see why we can't leave either!
:'''Milly''': Hmm, that's the price of friendship. ''[[w:Romance of the Three Kingdoms|The Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]'': &quot;It matters not that we were born apart. Upon this day, we die as one.&quot;
:'''Rivalz''': Is that your idea of a love quote?
:'''Milly''': If I go down, then we all do.
:'''Rivalz''': That's a little dark, right, Suzaku?
:'''Suzaku''': I'm glad… ''[tears start welling up in his eyes]'' That we could all be together again… You know, like this?
:'''Rivalz''': ''[jumps over Lelouch]'' Come on! We're supposed to be ''unwinding'' here! ''[takes Suzaku down to the ground with him]''
:''[Lelouch, Shirley, and Milly all laugh]''
:'''Shirley''': That's what's so refreshing about Suzaku, though.
:'''Milly''': Yeah, but once in a while, you just want him to get a clue, you know?
:'''Suzaku''': ''[muffled as Rivalz starts pushing on his cheeks]'' Sorry about that.
:'''Rivalz''': Aw, you love it, puddy tat.
:''[everyone starts laughing]''
:'''Kallen''': ''[thinking]'' It's so funny to think that I helped save their lives.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''C.C.''': ''[thinking]'' &quot;False tears can only hurt others. False smiles can only hurt yourself.&quot;

=== Guren ''Dances'' ===

:'''Cornelia''': You, the Japan Liberation Front. You whose time has left behind. You who have forgotten basic human decency. You and your dream of a bygone golden age shall fall and rot to nothingness. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''C.C.''': Lelouch, do you know why snow is white? It's because it has forgotten what color it once was...

=== ''Battle for Narita'' ===
:'''C.C.''':In their hearts, everyone has faith in their own existence and ultimate triumph, however when time and destiny unfold, this faith turns out to be quite fleeting and pointless.
:[''Voice over at the beginning of the episode.'']
:'''Narrator''': Man wants to believe his victory inevitable, but, in the face of time, hope is useless when one's fate has already been decided.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Kewell is trying to engage his ejection seat as his'' Sutherland ''is being fried by the'' Guren ''Mk-II]''
:'''Kewell''': Come on, move! I can't lose to Elevens! ''I am a Britannian!''
:''[Kewell's'' Sutherland ''explodes, killing him]''
:'''Villetta:''' ''[horrified]'' Lord Kewell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[a gravely wounded Jeremiah limps in front of a Britannian army cargo truck]''
:'''Britannian scientist #1''': Ugh, another soldier!
:'''Britannian scientist #2''': No wonder our battalions fell apart.
:'''Jeremiah''': I swear I'm not Orange! ''ZERO!!!''
:''[Jeremiah collapses]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''' ''(in response to C.C.'s question from the previous episode)'':C.C., I do not know why snow is white, but I do find such white snow beautiful.

=== ''The Messenger from Kyoto'' ===
:'''Lelouch''': I am grateful, Lord Kirihara.
:'''Taizō Kirihara''': Are you embarking on the path of blood?
:'''Lelouch''': Indeed, if that is my destiny...

=== ''Shirley at Gunpoint'' ===

:'''Cécile''': Oh, Lloyd! Care for another lesson in proper social etiquette? You look like you have some time to kill.
:'''Lloyd''': I'll have to take a pass on that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Suzaku''': A victory won through dishonest means is no victory at all.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lelouch''': I must spill yet more blood, so the blood already spilt will not be in vain.

=== ''Geass vs. Geass'' ===

:''[Shirley visits the memorial at Narita]''
:'''Shirley''': Lulu, how could you do this?
:'''Mao''': Yes, how could he?
:''[Shirley gasps and turns to face Mao]''
:'''Mao''': ''[claps]'' A very fine memorial. Isn't that right, Ms. Shirley Fenette?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mao''': He's a cruel man, isn't he? Lelouch.
:'''Shirley''': How do you know about Lulu?
:'''Mao''': Aw, he deceived you. Never told you he's Zero.
:'''Shirley''': ''[gasps and drops her bag]'' Who are you?! What do you want?!
:'''Mao''': The same mouth that ordered your father's death stole a kiss from your tender lips. He's a very bad man, and you ''like'' it. ''[Shirley shudders as he walks towards her]'' Punishment must be measured out, to him…and to ''you.''
:'''Shirley''': To me?
:'''Mao''': I know everything. All that happened that night.
:''[flash back to the previous night, during the Black Knight assault on the Britannian forces at the harbor; Shirley is in shock that Lelouch and Zero have been revealed to be one and the same]''
:'''Viletta''': Is that Zero?
:''[Shirley stands aside as Viletta approaches the unconscious Lelouch, kneels next to him, and grabs him by the hair]''
:'''Viletta''': Well, well, what a shocker. The student is Zero himself. A Britannian? ''[laughs evilly before letting go of Lelouch's hair]'' When I bring him to Viceroy Cornelia, she'll make me a noble! Not just a knight of honor, real nobility! And he's still alive, too! What kind of grand execution will they have in store for him. ''[stands up to face Shirley]'' Of course, you'll be rewarded too--
:''[Viletta gasps, as Shirley is now pointing her gun at her]''
:'''Viletta''': Stupid of me. He's your boyfriend, isn't he?! ''[charges towards Shirley]''
:'''Shirley''': ''Lulu! [guns down Viletta]''
:''[flash forward to the present day]''
:'''Mao''': So you're a killer, too. Just like Zero.
:'''Shirley''': ''[gasps]'' No! That's not true! I just--
:'''Mao''': And you actually ''used'' your father's death for your own gain.
:'''Shirley''': ''[gasps again] No!'' I just-- ''I just--''
:'''Mao''': Cunning little woman. You knew he'd feel sorry for you, didn't you, so you played it for all it was worth.
:'''Shirley''': ''No! You're wrong!''
:'''Mao''': Did his sympathy make you all tingly?
:'''Shirley''': ''Stop it!''
:'''Mao:''': Playing the tragic heroine again?
:'''Shirley''': No, I'm not doing that!
:'''Mao''': A girl who kills and then goes fishing for attention? Only evil witches do that.
:'''Shirley''': I didn't-- I never meant--
:'''Mao''': ''[walks even closer to Shirley]'' You ''knew'' there was another girl who liked Lelouch, and you wanted to get him away from her. ''[Shirley gasps once more]'' Now you have to pay the price, Shirley.
:''[Shirley falls to her knees and breaks down in tears]''
:'''Mao''': Do you want to carry these feelings around for the rest of your life? All by yourself? ''[starts clapping]'' Unless you atone and completely free your heart, you and Lelouch will both be lost in your sins, ''forever.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''C.C.''': [''speaking to Lelouch''] You should stay way from those you do not wish to lose.

:'''Shirley''': I see.  You loved her, didn't you? You must feel terrible.
:'''Lelouch''': Right now, I don't know anymore.
:'''Shirley''': Well, the morning always comes again.
:'''Lelouch''': What?
:'''Shirley''': I have to say it's funny, I know I came out here for some reason, but I can't remember exactly what it was now. Maybe it's because I already put the whole thing behind me, something I wanted to let go of. Maybe it was something I thought I couldn't forget. Maybe I was full of sadness. But, morning still comes right? That's why you shouldn't hold your thoughts back like that.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, you're right. I feel the same way now, Thanks a lot, for everything

=== ''Cheering Mao'' ===

:''[C.C. has followed Mao's request to meet him at Clovisland]''
:'''Mao''': ''[is riding on the carousel]'' C.C., your mind is so quiet! It's the only one I can't read! You really are the best there is!
:'''C.C.''': As childish as ever, I see.
:'''Mao''': I'm a prince on a white stallion…and a prince has to rescue the princess! ''[gets off the carousel and laughs]'' Does that make you happy, C.C.?
:'''C.C.''': Mao, we talked about this before. I told you that you and I--
:'''Mao''': Those were all lies! Lies! C.C., you love me, and this is how I know. ''[takes off his headphones]''
:'''Recording of C.C.'s voice''': Thank you, Mao. Mao! Mao.
:'''C.C.''': ''Stop it!''
:''[flash back to Mao's younger days as an orphan]''
:'''Mao''': '''BE QUIET!!!'''
:'''C.C.''': Don't listen to them. Just listen to the sound of my voice. That's it. Since my mind is the only one you can't read, and you can only be happy when you're with me, I will stay with you always. Yes…I'm right here, so you don't need to worry.
:''[flash forward to the present day]''
:'''Mao''': C.C., you're the only one! The only one I want, forever! Lelouch doesn't matter at all! ''[walks towards C.C.]'' If you'll just come with me--
:'''C.C.''': ''Stop it! [knocks Mao's headphones away and pulls a gun on him]'' I should have done this a long, long time ago.
:''[gunshot]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[C.C. falls to her knees after being shot in the arm by Mao]]''
:'''Mao''': I knew it! I knew you couldn't pull the trigger! That's because you really love me, C.C.! ''[laughs hysterically and claps]''
:'''[[w:C.C. (Code Geass)|C.C.]]''': You're wrong! I was just using you right from the start!
:'''Mao''': What are you saying?! You shouldn't tell lies like that! You really shouldn't! ''[shoots C.C.]'' Lies are very, ''very'' wicked! ''Wicked lies! [shoots C.C. four more times]'' Don't worry! ''[shoots C.C. once more]'' I understand! C.C., you must listen to me! I've built a big, brand-new house in Australia! A very quiet, white, immaculate, special house! But to get to Australia, you'll need to take an airplane, and there isn't very much room. ''[starts walking away from C.C.]'' The thing is, C.C., you're a little too big to bring on a plane. ''[picks up a chainsaw]'' So that's why… ''[starts up the chainsaw]'' '''…I'm going to make you compact!''' It'll take no time at all! ''[saws right through a metal signpost, seemingly as if to prove his point]''
:'''C.C.''': Is this your revenge? You're punishing me?
:'''Mao''': Oh, no. I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not at all! ''[turns towards C.C. and walks towards her]'' I'm showing you my gratitude!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[via prerecorded message played through Clovisland's television system]'' So this is the place that you picked.
:''[Mao turns off his chainsaw as he looks at the screen]''
:'''Lelouch''': A place where there'd be no one else's thoughts to bother you. That narrowed it way down.
:'''Mao''': Lelouch?
:'''Lelouch''': Since your Geass has a total maximum range of 500 meters, it can't reach me here at Tokyo Tower.
:'''Mao''': ''[laughs and claps]'' That's true, that's very true! But what can ''you'' do from so far away, hmm? After taking all that trouble to hack into the system, what's your grand plan? A remote-control attack with some battery-operated toys? Or a tongue-lashing to lecture me into submission? ''[no response from Lelouch]'' Ah, cat got ''your'' tongue now. If you want C.C., then you're gonna have to come--
:'''Lelouch''': Mao, think! You don't believe &quot;C.C.&quot; is her real name, do you? She never even whispers it to anyone.
:''[a shocked Mao looks at the screen, then at C.C.]''
:'''Lelouch''': But ''I'' know it, though. She told ''me'' her true name.
:'''Mao''': Is that right, C.C.? You never told me, ever, ever! But you told it to ''him?!''
:'''Lelouch''': You know why? Because C.C. is mine. C.C. belongs to me in every possible way.
:'''Mao''': ''No!'' She doesn't! She doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't! She was ''mine'' long before she met ''you!''
:'''Lelouch''': I have gained every single thing from her, including all of the parts that ''you'' have never seen. ''All'' of them.
:'''Mao''': ''Lelouch! [starts up his chainsaw again] Face me! [charges towards the screen and starts slashing at it]'' Lelouch! Come here! Come here so I can look into your mind! I'll see the truth! I'll see what a liar you are! ''Liar!''
:'''Lelouch''': Mao. ''You've lost.''
:'''Mao''': What are you talking about?! ''[turns off his chainsaw]'' I don't care! I'm going to be with C.C.!

=== ''Nunnally Held Hostage'' ===

:''[Rivalz interrupts a conversation between Lelouch and Suzaku by charging in on his motorcycle]]''
:'''Rivalz''': Hey, Lelouch! ''[gets off his motorcycle]'' 
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': What's wrong?
:'''Rivalz''': I heard the President's doing a blind date thing again!
:'''Lelouch''': Yeah, today.
:'''Rivalz''': ''Today?! [grabs Lelouch by the collar]'' Why didn't you tell me about it?!
:'''Lelouch''': Because it'd make you cry.
:'''Rivalz''': Boys don't cry!
:'''Suzaku''': It's okay. I didn't know about it either.
:'''Rivalz''': ''[lets go of Lelouch and turns towards Suzaku]'' Don't give me your emo routine!
:'''Suzaku''': Emo?
:'''Lelouch''': I guess compassion is not in fashion these days.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mao's plan to blow up Nunnally has been thwarted by Lelouch and Suzaku's combined efforts]''
:'''Lelouch''': Hmph.
:'''Mao''': You think you've beat me, huh?!
:'''Suzaku''': ''[grabs Mao]'' Stop it!
:'''Mao''': Get your hands off of me, father-killer!
:''[Suzaku is paralyzed in shock]''
:'''Mao''': You killed your father seven years ago. Heh. He called for do-or-die resistance, and you thought stopping him would end the war. What a childish idea. The fact is, ''you're a murderer!''
:'''Suzaku''': That's not true! I just-- I--
:'''Mao''': How lucky for you that no one ever found out. All the adults lied to protect you.
:'''Lelouch''': But all the reports said his suicide was a protest against the military actions.
:'''Mao''': A big, fat lie, all of it!
:'''Lelouch''': A lie?
:'''Suzaku''': I didn't have any choice! If I didn't, Japan would have--
:'''Mao''': ''That's'' how you justify it in retrospect? Well, it explains your ''death wish!'' ''[Suzaku gasps]'' You want to save people's lives? It's your own wretched soul you're trying to save! That's why you're always charging into danger, placing yourself on the edge of death!
:''[Suzaku falls to his knees and wails in anguish]''
:'''Mao''': You're no hero! You're just trying to wash the blood off your hands! A little brat begging to be punished!
:'''Lelouch''': '''MAO!!!''' ''[activates Geass]'' '''NEVER SPEAK AGAIN!!!'''
:'''Mao''': What-- No!
:''[Mao is overcome by Lelouch's command and is reduced to unintelligible babbling; Lelouch charges towards Mao and attempts to punch him, only to miss as Mao starts walking away]''
:'''Lelouch''': Mao!
:''[Mao exits the church and catches sight of C.C. standing in the courtyard]''
:'''C.C.''': I ''did'' love you, Mao.
:''[Mao babbles as he walks towards C.C.]''
:'''C.C.''': Mao, I want you to go and wait for me…in C's World. ''[puts a silenced pistol to Mao's neck and fires, killing him]''
:''[Mao's corpse drops to the ground right before the church doors close; Lelouch looks back at a catatonic Suzaku]''
:'''Suzaku''': I just… I just…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nunnally''': [''after touching the cheek of a crying Suzaku''] My mom told me that human contact is the best cure for teary eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''C.C.''': ''[Narrating]'' In this world, evil can arise from the best intentions. And there is good that can come from evil intentions. How then should Lelouch's actions be taken? Every man has his day of judgement, does he not? Geass: He who uses this inhuman power will find his heart isolated; whether he wants it that way or not. Thus he plummets into the abyss that lies good and evil. But if a man can climb out of that abyss and into the light, then that man has the soul of a king.

=== ''Knight'' ===

:''[Tamaki is overseeing maintenance of the'' Guren ''Mk-II]''
:'''Tamaki''': Look, just stuff 'em in and close the lid, for crying out loud! It's almost time to move out!
:'''Rakshata Chawla''': Take your time and treat it with the utmost care!
:''[Tamaki and the maintenance crew turn to look at the newly-arrived Rakshata]''
:'''Rakshata''': It was far more fragile than any of ''you'' when I gave birth to it!
:'''Tamaki''': Huh? Who the hell are you?!
:'''Rakshata''': I am its mother.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kyōshiro Tohdoh''': [''speaking to Suzaku''] Win or lose, you'll gain nothing if you don't give your all!  That's true of both men and nations!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[After an explosion happens in the prison.]''
:'''Lloyd''': Good, now we're free of all this hellish paperwork.

=== ''I Order You, Suzaku Kururugi'' ===

:'''Diethard''': There is no such thing as objective information, Zero.  Journalism is, after all, a human creation.

=== ''Island of the Gods'' ===

:'''Diethard''': At times the life of a single man is worth more than that of a million, I thought that'd be common sense to a soldier.
:'''Tohdoh''': You dare say that here?
:'''Ohgi''': Easy guys.
:'''C.C.''': Oh, alright, then I'll tell you, he's very much alive.
:'''Tohdoh''': We have no time for your wishful thinking.
:'''C.C.''': The information's true. I simply know it.
:'''Tamaki''': Oh, you're an oracle now? I told you to shut your trap and to get some training on a Knightmare, you dumbass!
:'''C.C.''': Dumbass? Oh really? It's been ages since anyone's dared to refer to me in such a rude manner.
:'''Tamaki''': Like Zero's mistress has any right to get uppity with us.
:'''C.C.''': I said you were wrong, you are a man who only has vulgar ideas.

=== ''War at Kyushu'' ===

:'''Zero''': [''speaking to the Black Knights''] Change will never come about it you don't make it happen!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Euphemia''': [''speaking to Suzaku''] I order you to love me!...And in return, I will love forever! Suzaku, I love your stubbornness, and your kindness and your strength! Your sad eyes, your clumsiness, and the way you have trouble with cats!

=== ''Declaration at the School Festival '' ===

:''[Cécile is playing human whack-a-mole with an inflatable mallet at the student festival]''
:'''Cécile''': ''[giggles]'' School festivals are such fun! I feel so free! ''[giggles again]''
:'''Britannian soldier #1''': That one she keeps whacking, doesn't he look like Lloyd?
:'''Britannian soldier #2''': No great wonder. Working under that guy must really drive her out of her mind.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Euphemia''': I have a very special announcement. I am Euphemia, Sub-Viceroy of Area 11 of the Holy Britannian Empire. There is something of great consequence that I wish to tell you all today. I, Euphemia li Britannia, hereby declare the formation of the Specially Administrated Zone of Japan in the area surrounding Mt. Fuji.
:'''Lelouch''': What?! Britannia has-?!
:'''Suzaku''': They're recognizing... Japan?!
:'''Diethard''': DAMN IT! I never thought of this game! Even though it's only in a limited area!
:'''Euphemia''': Within the Specially Administrated Zone of Japan, Elevens will be allowed to call themselves Japanese. Restrictions against Elevens and special rights for Britannians will no longer exist within this zone. It will be a place where Elevens and Britannians live side-by-side as equals.
:'''Lelouch''': (thinking) Stop this, Euphie! I already thought through every detail of that scenario, it's nothing but an empty dream!
:'''Euphemia''': Do you hear me, Zero? I don't care about your past nor who you are underneath that mask. I beg you, join us in creating the special zone of freedom.
:'''Student 1''': Join Zero?
:'''Student 2''': No way, just think about Prince Clovis!
:'''Cornelia''': (enraged) '''WHAT IS SHE DOING?!!'''
:'''Euphemia''': Zero, help me build a new future within Britannia. A place for everyone!

=== ''Bloodstained Euphie'' ===

:'''Charles''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' Yes, you're worthy of being called my child now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Euphemia''': ''[after Lelouch agreed with the Admninistrative Zone of Japan]'' Do you seriously think I'm going to shoot you even if you threaten me?
:'''Lelouch''': No, I don't. But no one escapes my commands. I have the power to command anyone as they forcefully obey.
:'''Euphemia''': ''[giggles]'' Stop it, Lelouch, you're being silly.
:'''Lelouch''': I'm serious. If I order you to kill me, shoot Suzaku, or even if I tell you to kill all the Japanese, you will follow me with no hesitation.
''[Lelouch's geass suddenly activated and it affected Euphemia]''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[with Lelouch's geass on her]'' No... N-no, I can't... I d-don't want to kill... W-why...? I-it can't be, I can't... kill... ''[kneeled down]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[just realized he has activated his geass unknowingly to Euphemia]'' ''It can't be! I'm like Mao--I can't control my geass anymore!''
:'''Lelouch''': No, Euphy! Forget that order!
:'''Euphemia''': ''[Lelouch's geass completely devoured her]'' That's right, I must kill all Japanese.
:'''Lelouch''': No, Euphy!!
''[Euphemia picked up Lelouch's gun and ran outside towards the stadium]''
:'''Andreas Darlton''': Princess! Where's Zero?
:'''Euphemia''': ''[to all]'' To all those who call themselves Japanese, I have a favor to ask! Do you all mind dying?
''[all Elevens gasped to what Euphemia just said]''
:'''Eleven 1''': Is she insane?
:'''Eleven 2''': She must be out of her mind!
:'''Euphemia''': I want you all to just simply fall off the cliff but it's impossible, right? So I order all my fellow Britannians--kill all the Japanese!
''[Britannians hesitate]'''
:'''Darlton''': What are you saying princess? Please stop this nonsense and-- ''[Euphemia shoots him]''
:'''Euphemia''': I'm sorry, but I must do this. I must kill all Japanese. Go ahead, Britannian Soldiers! Hurry and kill every Japanese here!
''[Zero arrives in the stadium, attempting to stop Euphemia]''
:'''Zero''': Euphy! Stop this! ''[Britannian guards blocked Zero]'' No, get out of my way... ''[activated his geass]'' GET OUT!
''[commotion has stopped when Euphemia shoots an Eleven]''
:'''Euphemia''': See? We need to kill all Japanese. So what are you waiting for? Kill them and don't let a single one alive!
''[Britannians and Knightmare Frames all obey Euphemia's order. They began to shoot each and every Japanese in sight.]''
''[Zero tried to stop Euphemia, but finds it imposssible]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lelouch''': [''speaking to Euphemia''] People are more susceptible to miracles than logic.

=== ''At Least with Sorrow'' ===

:'''Euphemia''': I, Euphemia li Britannia, bid all of you within the sound of my voice to heed the following command: '''Seek out any Japanese you can find and please kill them. Leave not a single one of them alive.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tamaki attacks a Britannian official in the aftermath of Euphemia's massacre]''
:'''Tamaki''': Equality?! You can shove that straight up your administrative ass! You lured us into a death trap! You just made the biggest mistake of your lives, you got that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen has found a Britannian Gloucester, which is now shooting panicking Japanese.]''
:'''Kallen''': ''[inside the'' Guren ''Mk-II]'' Damn Britannian! Stop what you're doing!
:''[Kallen releases a few missiles, which leaves the Gloucester unarmed.]''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[who is the pilot in the unarmed Knightmare]'' How rude of you! I'm Euphemia li Britannia, the 3rd Princess of the Imperial Palace!
:'''Kallen''': Ah, so this is where you're hiding, Puppet Princess.
:'''Euphemia''': Oh, you're the one from Kamine Island!
:'''Kallen''': Why the heck did you fool us?! You just killed a hundred Elevens! Don't you feel any awe or conscience?!
:'''Euphemia''': I must kill all the Japanese...
:'''Kallen''': So, that really is it. Fine, I'll finish you now. Any last words?
:''[As the'' Guren ''Mk-II closely aims at Euphemia, Zero and C.C. arrive in the Gawain.]''
:'''Lelouch''': No, Kallen! I shall be handling the princess on my own.
:'''Kallen''': Do you want her alive?
:'''Lelouch''': I believe that would be unnecessary anymore.
:''[The Gawain swiftly destroys Euphemia's Gloucester, reducing it to a pile of scrap.]''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[gets out of the Gloucester and looks around for a gun]'' Kill the Japanese! I must kill... Hurry, hurry! ''[She finds a gun and shoots the Gawain in defiant panic. The gun runs out of bullets, so Euphemia looks for extra rounds. As she finds some, Zero gets down from his Knightmare.]''
:'''Euphemia''': Oh, I thought you were Japanese! Say, Zero, would you like to join me build the Special Administrative Zone of Japan... ''[realized she's talking different]'' Um... Japan...?
:'''Lelouch''': I would have liked to, Euphemia... together. ''[He pulls out his gun and aims it at Euphemia.]''
:''[At that moment, Suzaku in the Lancelot catches sight of Euphemia.]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''[breathes a sigh of relief]'' Euphie...
:''[Zero suddenly shoots Euphemia, the bullet piercing her stomach. Suzaku gasps in horror.]''
:'''Euphemia''': ''[dumbstruck as she stars to fall down in slow-motion]'' Lelouch... Why...?
:'''Lelouch''': Farewell, Euphie... you may have been the first girl I ever loved.
:''[Euphemia hits the ground and lays still. A moment of silence persists before...]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''[enraged and anguished]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[surprised]'' Suzaku?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch has turned over command of the G-1 Base to Diethard and is leaving to pilot the Gawain with C.C. when he runs into Kaguya Sumeragi]''
:'''Lelouch Lamperouge''': You're Sumeragi's--
:'''Kaguya Sumeragi''': Thank goodness I made it in time! That was so mean of you, the way headed off to battle without me! I've been a ''huge'' fan of yours ever since your big debut! I was hoping I'd finally get to talk to you. Wow, you're really tall, aren't you?! Don't worry, though! I'll catch up with you pretty soon!
:'''Diethard''': Lady Kaguya, I thought the heads of the six houses remained in Fuji.
:'''Kaguya''': I followed after you so I could watch my future husband fight.
:''[Lelouch, C.C., and Diethard are puzzled by Kaguya's statement]''
:'''Lelouch''': Don't joke around.
:'''Kaguya''': Well, once you win this battle, you'll eventually need a wife, won't you? I mean, I know your identity is a big secret and all, but you're gonna need somebody as your public face, right?
:'''Lelouch''': Really? You believe we're going to win this battle?
:'''Kaguya''': Of course! I am the goddess of victory, after all.
:'''Lelouch''': I'd be lucky to have you, then. Unfortunately, I've already made a contract with the devil.
:'''Kaguya''': Huh?
:'''Lelouch''': I have no room in my life for deities right now.
:''[Lelouch and C.C. leave for the Gawain as Kaguya looks on]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lelouch''': Before creation there must be destruction.  If my soul stands in the way, then I'll toss it aside.  Yes, I have no choice but to move forward.

=== ''The Collapsing Stage'' ===

:'''Suzaku''': When I find you, Zero, I'm going to '''KILL YOU!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Viletta is sneaking through the ruins of the Tokyo Settlement]''
:'''Viletta''': ''[thinking]'' The power to control people and erase their memories. When you think about it, it makes sense and explains everything that's happened till now. And as a result of its aftereffects, I fell in love with a damned Eleven!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Suzaku has just defeated Kallen in Knightmare Frame combat]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''Tell me, where is Zero?!''
:'''Kallen''': ''[nonchalant]'' You know, I really hate pushy guys.
:'''Suzaku''': Okay. Then die here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Suzaku has just blundered into a trap laid for him by Lelouch, C.C., Sayoko, and Rakshata]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''Zero!'' You deceive the people who trust you to the very end! ''You betrayer!''
:'''Lelouch''': Hmph. I've no time to argue which of us is the bigger hypocrite. Farewell, Suzaku Kururugi.
:'''Suzaku''': ''Damn you!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch and C.C. have arrived at the Britannian Government Bureau, where Cornelia is waiting for them]''
:'''Cornelia''': Welcome, Zero! I figured you would show up here as soon as you heard about the air raid. Now…join us for your welcome soirée. Care for a dance?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ohgi is meeting with Viletta in private]''
:'''Ohgi''': Chigusa, why did you come to this battlefield? We need to find someplace safe for you. Stay with me for now.
:''[Viletta backs away from Ohgi when he tries to get close to her]''
:'''Ohgi''': Look, I'm sorry I hid this from you, but everything I'm doing is for the sake of peace! If Zero succeeds in freeing Japan from Britannia, then we can finally be together!
:'''Viletta''': Oh, stop before I puke!
:''[Viletta grabs Ohgi's pistol from his jacket pocket and presses the barrel to his back]''
:'''Viletta''': Me, together with an Eleven like you? What a horrible thought. ''[scoffs]'' My name is Viletta Nu, and I am a knight of honor of Britannia.
:''[Ohgi turns to face Viletta, then gets shot in the stomach]''
:'''Ohgi''': ''[falls to his knees]'' So I see, Chigusa… You've gotten your memory back… ''[groans, then falls to the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Two Black Knights searching for Viletta in the'' Ganymede ''hangar at Ashford Academy are startled when the'' Ganymede'', rigged with a primitive nuclear bomb, activates]''
:'''Nina''': Zero, Princess Euphemia…
:''[cut to the Britannian Government Bureau, where Cornelia is fighting Lelouch and C.C.]''
:'''Cornelia''': '''''…WILL BE AVENGED!!!'''''
:''[the Gawain misses an attack on Cornelia's'' Gloucester'', which counters by charging with its lance]''
:'''Cornelia''': ''What's wrong, Zero?!''
:''[Cornelia's'' Gloucester ''strafes the'' Gawain ''with its machine gun as Lelouch desperately types away at the'' Gawain''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s controls]''
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': The specs on this thing are far superior to hers!
:''[the'' Gawain ''attempts to take off, only to get snagged by the'' Gloucester''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s Slash Harkens; the'' Gloucester ''now attempts to latch onto the larger Knightmare]''
:'''Cornelia''': You're just a ''weakling!'' I have you! I have you right where I want you! Your life is now in ''my hands!''
:'''Lelouch''': ''Cornelia!''
:''[Cornelia readies the final blow]''
:'''Cornelia''': ''This is your judgment!''
:''[out of nowhere, Cornelia's'' Gloucester ''gets impaled by a Knightmare's EM lance]''
:'''Darlton''': ''[via radio]'' Princess, it's me, Darlton.
:'''Cornelia''': ''[gasps, dumbstruck by Darlton's treachery]'' Why? Darlton, why?
:'''Darlton''': Don't be afraid. I haven't come to kill you, milady.
:'''Lelouch''': Well, he made it.
:'''Darlton''': I've come to deliver you to Zero, Your Highness.
:''[Darlton suddenly relents as the Geass command placed on him wears off and he sees Cornelia's'' Gloucester ''plummeting to the ground]''
:'''Darlton''': What have I done?! Why, Princess?!
:''[Cornelia's'' Gloucester ''smashes on the ground]''
:'''Lelouch''': Thank you, ''Darlton.''
:''[Lelouch repays Darlton for his service by firing on his'' Gloucester ''with the'' Gawain''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s hadron cannons]''
:'''Darlton''': ''[as his'' Gloucester ''is exploding]'' '''PRINCESS!!!'''
:''[Darlton is consumed in the explosion of his'' Gloucester.'']''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(Nunnally is sitting in the student council room where she hears a door open)''
:'''Nunnally''': Hello, oh who's there? Is that you C.C.?
:'(V.V. appears)''
:'''V.V.''': No, it's not.
:'''Nunnally''': Hm? but-
:'''V.V.''': Nunnally, I've come to take you with me.

=== ''Zero'' ===

:''[Lelouch arrives where Princess Cornelia is badly injured]''
:'''Cornelia''': So, you were Zero... The entire time. Darlton was right, he said it was someone with a grudge against the Britannian Imperial Family. You... You did this.. For Nunnally?
:'''Lelouch''': Correct. I will demolish the present world and build a new and better one in its place.
:'''Cornelia''': You killed them all for the sake of that madness?! Clovis?! Even Euphie?!
:'''Lelouch''': You're one to talk, my dear sister. Considering how you idolized my mother, Marianne the Flash.
:'''Cornelia''': It would seem that talking with you further... would approve to be utterly pointless.
:'''Lelouch''': Indeed? Well then, Lelouch vi Britannia orders you to answer him.
:''[''Lelouch used his Geass on Cornelia]''
:'''Cornelia''': Go on.
:'''Lelouch''': Sister, are you the one who killed my mother?
:'''Cornelia''': I'm not.
:'''Lelouch''': Then who was it?
:'''Cornelia''': I don't know.
:'''Lelouch''': But you were put in charge of her personal guard, were you not?
:'''Cornelia''': Yes.
:'''Lelouch''': Then why did you withdraw her escort?
:'''Cornelia''': I was asked to.
:'''Lelouch''': By who?
:'''Cornelia''': Lady Marianne.
:'''Lelouch''': Mother did... That's impossible! My mother knew she will be attacked that day?! No, that can't! She did. She would've got us out of there! What really happened back then?! Who killed her?! Who killed my mother, damn it?!
:''[Cornelia doesn't answer]''
:'''Lelouch''': You don't know the truth?! Then who does?! Someone must know, you yourself investigated of what occurred that day! 
:'''Cornelia''': I remembered His Majesty, the emperor, ordered Schneizel to transport the body out of there.
:'''Lelouch''': The body? You mean there are others? Then what was in that coffin?
:'''C.C.''': Hey! Get back in here!
:'''Lelouch''': I know, the Government Bureau Defense Forces will be here soon.
:'''C.C.''': No! Your little sister's been kidnapped!
:'''Lelouch''': Hmm? C.C., this is not the time for jokes. We'll take Cornelia back to the command center as our hostage.
:'''C.C.''': She's been taken!  I just know because she's the reason you live! She's on Kamine Island!
:'''Lelouch''': Kamine Island? 
:''[Lelouch is preparing to take Cornelia prisoner and leave with C.C. when Jeremiah barges in with the Siegfried]''
:'''Jeremiah''': '''''ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!!!''''' Mister Zero, can it really be?! ''What?!'' Oh, what luck, what fate, what evil fortune!
:'''Lelouch''': Is that you, Orange Boy?!
:'''Jeremiah''': ''[stammers]'' Oh, I beseech you! ''I'm begging you, please die.''
:'''Lelouch''': Get Cornelia!
:'''C.C.''': I'm already on it!
:'''Jeremiah''': Zero! I…must rid the world of the Empire's enemies! Yes, and so…'''''ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lloyd and Cécile are on board the'' Avalon''; Cécile is suiting up for deployment in her own Knightmare Frame]''
:'''Cécile''': Why did you try to stop Suzaku?
:'''Lloyd''': I'm a military contractor.
:'''Cécile''': You didn't want him killed, did you?
:'''Lloyd''': Why should I care? You know as well as I do. The biggest human flaw is that we're so pitifully fragile in our bodies, our hearts, and our relationships with each other.
:'''Cécile''': ''[puts on her earpiece]'' Nevertheless, you can't bend the world or people any which way you want.
:'''Lloyd''': I want every part in my mechanisms to function exactly as I wish. If we lose Kururugi, we'll just have to find another devicer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeremiah has tracked Lelouch and C.C. to Kamine Island and is engaging them with the'' Siegfried'']''
:'''Jeremiah''': Zero, it is I! Repent is now!
:'''Lelouch''': Stubborn ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeremiah has hit the'' Gawain ''twice and is readying the'' Siegfried ''for the finishing blow]''
:'''Jeremiah''': It's time for my ''wonderful vindication!''
:''[Lelouch fires the'' Gawain''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s hadron cannons at the ocean surface, generating a massive plume of water]''
:'''Jeremiah''': Insidious isolation impudence!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in Zero's absence, the Britannian forces have managed to rally and push back the Black Knights]''
:'''Claudio Darlton''': Hold your ground! Victory's within our reach! Be strong!
:'''Nagisa Chiba''': Damn it, we can't hold out!
:'''Shōgo Asahina''': Enemy reinforcements will be here soon!
:'''Kento Sugiyama''': What should we do?!
:''[Sugiyama watches Inoue's'' Burai ''get shot and explode, killing her]''
:'''Sugiyama''': Inoue? Ugh, where the hell is he?! ''[fires the machine gun of his'' Burai ''into the air in vain] Zero!''
:'''Gilbert G.P. Guilford''': All forces, charge! We'll smash these filthy rebels with one blow!
:''[Tohdoh's custom'' Gekka ''attempts to slice through the Britannian offensive]''
:'''Tohdoh''': Fight to your last breath! Stop at nothing! Because if they break through here, our forces will collapse completely!
:''[meanwhile, Diethard's forces have been forced to retreat to Ashford Academy]''
:'''Diethard''': ''[thinking]'' It's not that Tohdoh isn't a brilliant military leader. He simply lacks the incredible charisma that Zero possesses. We need him! He can't run out on us, not now!
:''[Kaguya has been left to look after the G-1 on the outskirts of the Tokyo Settlement]''
:'''Kaguya''': ''[thinking]'' Oh, Zero, have you really abandoned us? Have you abandoned Japan?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': That trap at the entrance was designed to buy them time. Was I their intended target? Or was it C.C.? No matter. The first thing to do is to make sure Nunnally is alright.
:''[Lelouch walks to the door and puts his hands on it. Suddenly, someone shoots it. Suzaku has arrived, holding a gun.]''
:'''Suzaku''': Turn and face me. Very slowly.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[thinking]'' ''Damn it! Why now?''
:'''Suzaku''': Didn't you hear me, Zero? I said, &quot;Turn and face me. Very slowly.&quot;
:'''Lelouch''': Euphemia randomly murdered throngs of innocent Japanese people. You fight for a woman like th--?
:'''Suzaku''': Your Geass power is quite convenient, isn't it?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Suzaku''': You get to hide in the shadows while others take all the blame for doing ''your'' dirty work. You're just an arrogant coward. That's your true nature, the real you. Kallen!
:'''Kallen''': ''[gasps, shown to be behind Suzaku, hidden until now]''
:'''Suzaku''': Do you want to know Zero's true identity, too?
:'''Kallen''': What are you saying?
:'''Suzaku''': You have a right to bear witness. ''[raises his gun]''
:'''Kallen''': ''[gasp]'' No! Wait!
:''[Suzaku fires a bullet into Lelouch's helmet. The bullet ricochets off the mask, cracking it perfectly in half. The halves clatter to the floor as Suzaku and Kallen now see the identity of Zero. A long pause follows as a slight trickle of blood comes from Lelouch's forehead.]''
:'''Kallen''': ''[voice shaking]'' But how...?! ''[falls to her knees]'' How could you?!
:'''Suzaku''': ''[solemnly, lowering his gun]'' I didn't want it... to be ''you''.
:'''Kallen''': ''[still in shock]'' L-Lelouch is...
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, I am Zero, the man who leads the Black Knights, who challenges the Holy Britannian Empire, the one who holds the entire world in his hand.
:'''Kallen''': You used us, the Japanese people? You used ''me''?
:'''Lelouch''': And, as a result, Japan will be freed. You certainly can't complain about that.
:''[Kallen sheds a tear, still shocked and feeling betrayed.]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''[subtly infuriated]'' I should have arrested you while I had the chance.
:'''Lelouch''': You knew it was me?
:'''Suzaku''': I wasn't sure at first, so I convinced myself that it wasn't true. But I really wanted to believe in you. But you were lying to us, to ''me.'' Your sister, Euphie. And ''Nunnally.''
:''[Kallen stands and stumbles while Lelouch speaks.]''
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, and now, Nunnally's been kidnapped.
:''[Suzaku reacts in surprise to this news, looking concerned all of a sudden.]''
:'''Lelouch''': Please, Suzaku, can't we call a temporary truce? I need your help! Together we'll be able to save Nunnally. There's nothing in the world that you and I ''can't'' do together.
:''[Kallen is shaking, still in shock. Meanwhile, Suzaku regains his composure, becoming furious.]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''[angrily]'' I'm done with that! Had you only joined up with Euphie first, we wouldn't be here! If you and she had combined forces, things would be different! The world could have been--!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[cutting Suzaku off]'' That's all in the past! Over and done with.
:'''Suzaku''': ''[shocked by Lelouch's cold tone]'' Past?!
:'''Lelouch''': You killed your own father, didn't you?! Wallow in remorse when you have time for it!
:'''Suzaku''': ''[shouting]'' '''''No!''''' You're ''hopeless!''
:'''Lelouch''': What?
:'''Suzaku''': I know you! In the very end, you'd betray the entire world, the way it's betrayed you! I'm not going to let your sick, twisted dream be realized!
:'''Lelouch''': You fool! You think ideals alone can change the world?! Fine! Then go right ahead and SHOOT ME! Come on! ''[Attaches a sakuradite bomb to his chest]'' Set your aim on this liquid sakuradite!
:'''Kallen''': ''[gasps loudly]''
:'''Lelouch''': If my heart stops, this vial will explode, and you'll both die with me.
:'''Suzaku''': Damn you!
:'''Lelouch''': Listen, I'll make a deal with you. I want to know who told you about Geass. Did they abduct Nunnally?
:'''Suzaku''': ''[fully enraged]'' NOTHING THAT HAPPENS NOW IS ''ANY'' OF YOUR CONCERN!
:''[Lelouch's emotional state visibly deteriorates as Suzaku rails on.]''
:'''Suzaku:''' YOUR VERY EXISTENCE IS A MISTAKE! YOU NEED TO BE ERASED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!! ''I'LL'' TAKE CARE OF NUNNALLY!!
:''[Lelouch finally snaps and withdraws his own gun in a rage!]''
:'''Lelouch''': '''''SUZAKU!!!''''' ''[aims his gun at Suzaku]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''[voice echoing]'' '''''LELOOOOOOOOOUCH!!!''''' ''[aims back]''
:''[A gunshot rings out.]''

== Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2 ==

=== ''The Day a Demon Awakens'' ===

:'''Kōsetsu Urabe''': We're the only ones left now. This is all that remains of the Black Knights, who, along with Zero, once struck terror in the heart of Britannia. Still, it's too soon to give into despair. If Operation Flying Swallow Four is successful, then…
:'''Black Knights''': Yes.
:'''Urabe''': Forgive me. Here's to you.
:''[Urabe and the other Black Knights drink from saucers of sake]''
:'''Urabe''': ''[raises his saucer into the air]'' To victory! ''Long live Japan! [drops his saucer to the floor]''
:'''Black Knights''': ''[drop their saucers to the floor] Long live Japan!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tamaki, Chiba, Ohgi, and Tohdoh have been imprisoned for their involvement with the Black Knights; Tamaki has just been assaulted by two Britannian prison guards]''
:'''Tamaki''': ''[growls as he gets back up]'' If Zero was here, you wouldn't be acting so tough!
:'''Chiba''': Do me a favor! Don't say that traitor's name again!
:'''Tamaki''': Hey, Zero didn't betray us!
:'''Britannian prison guard''': Shut up, you stinking Eleven! ''[hits Tamaki with the butt of his rifle]''
:'''Ohgi''': There has to be a reason for what he did.
:'''Chiba''': What reason?! Why'd the commander vanish during the final decisive battle like that?!
:'''Tohdoh''': Stop it! It serves no purpose. Zero's dead, after all.
:'''Ohgi''': ''[gasps]'' He's dead?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Li Xingke, part of the Chinese Federation diplomatic party to Area 11, is accosted by two Britannian security guards]''
:'''Britannian security guard #1''': May we have what you're carrying, sir?
:'''Britannian security guard #2''': Our security is perfect. You don't need to carry that antique weapon here.
:''[Xingke unsheathes his sword, slashes at the two guards, and sheathes back his sword in one stroke; the guards are unharmed, but their severed belts then drop to the ground]''
:'''Gao Hai''': Xingke! That was rude of you!
:'''[[w:Li Xingke|Li Xingke]]''': Please forgive me. But I hoped it would offer you and the other Britannians a better understanding of the Chinese Federation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch has regained his memories and the use of his Geass and is confronting the black-ops forces sent to kill him and C.C.]''
:'''Lelouch''': Before you dispose of me, I'd like you to answer a question.
:''[both Lelouch and C.C. stand to face the black-ops soldiers]''
:'''Britannian black-ops soldier #1''': That girl's still alive!
:'''Britannian black-ops soldier #2''': Impossible! She was shot through the heart!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[starts walking towards the Britannian black-ops soldiers]'' If being powerless is so terribly wrong, then does having power make you right? Do you find vengeance evil? What's your value of friendship? Is it justice?
:'''Britannian intelligence officer''': There's no justice or evil. The only truth that's left for you, bait, is the simple reality of death.
:'''Lelouch''': I see. Then that reality is all that remains for you as well. I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you. All of you: ''Die!''
:'''Britannian intelligence officer''': It--! It can't be!
:''[the entire Britannian black-ops force is overcome by Lelouch's Geass]''
:'''Britannian black-ops soldiers''': ''[in unison] Yes, Your Highness!''
:''[the black-ops soldiers all point their rifles and pistols at each other, while the intelligence officer puts his pistol to his neck as he laughs madly; Lelouch looks on as the soldiers all commit suicide]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[thinking]'' Ever since that day, my heart simply couldn't accept it. This fake life I was never able to fit into, all the time that was lost, these false memories planted in me, giving me a life as one of the herd, and yet…the truth continues to guide me toward itself. That's right! It wasn't me who was wrong! ''It was the world!''
:''[the'' Guren ''Mk-II and Urabe's'' Gekka ''smash through the room and land before Lelouch, facing him]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[aloud]'' The world has to change, so ''I'' will change it.
:'''Urabe''': ''[via his'' Gekka''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s loudspeakers]'' We've been waiting for you, Master Zero. Please, give us your orders.
:'''Lelouch''': Very well! Because, after all, ''I'' am Zero, the one who will crush the world…and the one who will recreate the world anew!

=== ''Plan For Independent Japan'' ===

:''[a lone'' Sutherland ''encounters Lelouch at the massacre site of the Britannian black-ops soldiers]''
:'''Britannian pilot''': What are you doing there? That's a student uniform, isn't it?
:'''Lelouch''': Oh! You're a soldier! Thank goodness! We need to help this man at once!
:''[the'' Sutherland ''pilot sees Lelouch kneeling next to the dead Britannian intelligence officer]''
:'''Britannian pilot''': Office of Secret Intelligence? What are the emperor's personal agents doing here?
:''[the'' Sutherland ''pilot deactivates his Knightmare and disembarks]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[thinking]'' Good. These reports are accurate. Calares's forces don't know about me, so I can use the data in this journal.
:'''Britannian pilot''': There's only one survivor?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[aloud]'' Yes. Just you.
:'''Britannian pilot''': What?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[gets up]'' That's right. ''[uncovers his left eye, revealing his permanently active Geass]'' Now: Give me your Knightmare.
:'''Britannian pilot''': ''[is overcome by Geass]'' I understand. The ID code is QR5YK1D6. ''[gives his key to Lelouch]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[takes the key]'' Thank you.
:''[C.C. emerges from her hiding spot behind a nonfunctional'' Sutherland'']''
:'''C.C.''': Even though you need direct eye contact, are those theatrics necessary?
:'''Lelouch''': I don't need comments from an immortal witch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen, in the'' Guren ''Mk-II, ambushes a Britannian'' Sutherland'']''
:'''Kallen''': Let me see you burst, Britannian!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Emperor Charles has introduced Suzaku to the'' Sword of Akasha'']''
:'''Suzaku''': This place… Is it a shrine?
:'''Charles''': No, it's not. This is… This is a weapon for destroying God.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen has just appeared before Lelouch and is pointing a gun at him]''
:'''Lelouch''': You who abandoned Zero at Kamine Island, what do you want to tell me?
:'''Kallen''': Lelouch. You were deceiving me right from the very beginning.
:'''Lelouch''': About Zero being your classmate, or about my Geass power? Which one has offended you?
:'''Kallen''': Both of them. Tell me this: Did you use your Geass on me like you did the others? Did you twist my mind and my heart and make me follow you? ''[Lelouch laughs derisively]'' Lelouch!
:'''Lelouch''': Your mind and your heart are yours alone, as was your loyalty and admiration for Zero.
:''[Lelouch starts walking towards Kallen]''
:'''Kallen''': Don't move!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[continues approaching Kallen]'' Kallen, you should be proud of what you did. You decided. You made the choice. You chose… ''[takes Kallen's gun away from her]'' …Zero. ''[Kallen backs away from Lelouch]'' You don't believe me?
:'''Kallen''': ''[hesitating]'' I wanted to believe, so much that I'd become a slave.
:'''Lelouch''': I see.
:'''Kallen''': But… ''[regains her composure]'' …The one I believe in is Zero! Just him! It's not you, Lelouch!
:'''Lelouch''': Well, fine with me. ''[notes Kallen's [[w:Playboy Bunny|Playboy Bunny]] attire and the Knightmare Frame key stuck in her cleavage]'' By the way, are you ever going to change out of those clothes?
:''[Kallen, taken by surprise, turns away from Lelouch and tries to cover her breasts]''
:'''Kallen''': Don't look at me, you pervert!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[playfully]'' Oh, is that the way you talk to Zero now?
:'''Kallen''': ''[indignant]'' I'm saying it to ''you'', Lelouch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Knights of the Round are watching Zero's broadcast]''
:'''Gino Weinberg''': Come on, Zero's dead, isn't he?
:'''Suzaku''': Yes.
:'''Gino''': So, this guy's a fake. And whoever he is, if we just go over there and storm the consulate…
:'''Suzaku''': Then we'd be breaking our treaty with them, risking an international incident.
:'''Gino''': He's saying that he's Zero, and Zero killed our royals. That gives this equal status with the E.U. war.
:'''Anya Alstreim''': It's a slippery slope either way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zero has just declared that the room of the Chinese Federation consulate he's in will be the first dominion of the reformed United States of Japan]''
:'''Rakshata''': ''[laughs hysterically]'' A nation consisting of just one room? That man's as amusing as ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Xingke is greeted by the'' Vincent ''at the entrance of the Chinese Federation consulate]''
:'''Xingke''': If you are Britannian, you have already been asked to leave. Or, are you one of Zero's followers?
:''[Rolo, the pilot of the'' Vincent'', emerges from its cockpit]''
:'''[[w:Rolo Lamperouge|Rolo Lamperouge]]''': I'm not sure. Which am I?
:'''Xingke''': I'm not terribly fond of riddles.
:'''Rolo''': Yes. I'm exactly the same way myself. What I want to know is the truth. That's why I came here to kill Zero.

:(''Inside the Britannian throne room'')
:'''Lelouch''': He brought me before the Britannian emperor.
:'''Charles''': The former seventeenth heir to the imperial throne, Lelouch vi Britannia. It been a long time, hasn't it, my errant son?
:'''Lelouch''': How dare you!
:'''Suzaku''': ''[to Lelouch]'' You won't use your Geass. ''[to the emperor]'' Your Majesty, I have a request. Please, sire, allow me to join the Knights of the Round, the twelve strongest knights of the Britannian Empire.
:'''Charles''': As a reward for capturing Zero, is that it?
:'''Lelouch''': You!
:'''Suzaku''': I told you before, Lelouch, that I was going to change this world from the inside.
:'''Lelouch''': Even if it means selling out your friends?!
:'''Suzaku''': That's right.
:'''Charles''': Very well, I like the answer you just gave him.
:(''Charles rising from the throne'')
:'''Charles''': Now, then. As a Knight of the Round, I order you: Cover up Zero's left eye.
:(''Suzaku lifts up Lelouch's head and covers his left eye'')
:'''Suzaku''': Yes, Your Majesty.
:'''Charles''': My unworthy son, who raised the banner of rebellion, although he was a prince. Still, there's another way we can make use of him.
:'''Lelouch''': What?!
:(''Charles' Geass activates as two Geass sigils light up in both of his eyes'')
:'''Charles''': I will rewrite your memory, about being Zero, about the death of your mother, about the very existence of Nunnally.
:'''Lelouch''': No, Geass?!
:'''Charles''': You'll remember none of it, you'll just be insignificant.
:'''Lelouch''': No, stop! You're stealing of what's most precious to me again! First my mother and now you're taking Nunnally!
:'''Charles''': Charles zi Britannia engraves into you...
:'''Lelouch''': Stop it!
:'''Charles''': ...false memories of a false life!
:(''Lelouch screams as his father's Geass enter his mind and alter his memories'')
:'''Lelouch Lamperouge''': '''AHHHHHHHHH!!!!'''

=== ''Imprisoned in Campus'' ===

:''[Kallen has just found out that Lelouch has swapped places with C.C. so he can escape back to Ashford Academy]''
:'''C.C.''': What's the matter?
:'''Kallen''': When did you two switch places?
:'''C.C.''': Before the speech.
:'''Kallen''': But I--
:'''C.C.''': His voice was re-recorded. The moment &quot;he&quot; appeared, it was already me, just like in a magic show.
:'''Kallen''': ''[angry]'' You planned it on your own. We don't like it when you keep secrets from us.
:'''C.C.''': &quot;We&quot; don't like it? You mean, ''you'' don't like it, do you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen has just come back from the showers and is barging in on a meeting between C.C., Gao Hai, and Xingke]''
:'''Kallen''': C.C.! I was just thinking, wouldn't it have made more sense for you to have played the bunny girl?!
:''[Kallen realizes just what she's gotten herself into, then starts shrieking hysterically before running behind an opaque glass divider]''
:'''Gao Hai''': Zero is...a girl?!
:'''C.C.''': Correct.
:'''Kallen''': ''[ducks out from behind the divider] I'M NOT ZERO!''
:'''C.C.''': Oh, you let on too soon. You have no sense of humor, do you?
:'''Kallen''': Don't play around with Zero!
:'''C.C.''': ''[as Kallen's towel starts slipping]'' We can see you.
:''[Kallen shrieks again as she puts her towel back on and ducks behind the divider once more]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shirley and Lelouch are out shopping for a birthday present for Viletta Nu]''
:'''Shirley''': ''[thinking]'' Is this...a date? If it's not...I'll make it one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch's attempt to ambush Rolo at Ashford Academy has backfired]''
:'''Rolo''': Lelouch, now you and your demonic eye...will die.

''(Guilford is at a Britannian territory where the Black Knights are about to be executed)''
:'''Guilford''': Zero, can you hear me?! Listen closely, I am Lord Gilbert G.P. Guilford, Knight of Her Royal Highness, Cornelia li Britannia! Beginning tomorrow at 1500 hours, these 256 special Class-A felons, who are guilty of treason against the Empire, will all be executed for their crimes! Zero, if you value the lives of your people, then you will face me one on one in a honorable duel!

=== ''Counterattack at the Gallows'' ===

:''[Rolo reflects on how many people he's murdered over the years]''
:'''Rolo''': ''[thinking]'' That's right. I can't remember how many people I've killed. Nobody counts the number of times they brush their teeth or eat a meal. Same with this. My Geass is suited to assassination. That's what I was told. So, I kill. There was no other place for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two Office of Secret Intelligence officers are complaining to Viletta about Rolo's conduct]''
:'''OSI officer #1''': Unacceptable! Did this kid kill Bruno in cold blood or not?!
:'''OSI officer #2''': And he was the fifth one!
:'''OSI officer #1''': All Victor did was touch the kid's locket, and the next thing--
:'''Viletta''': Victor had his own personality problems.
:'''OSI officer #1''': ''[slams his fist on the table]'' You don't kill a man because of that!
:'''OSI officer #2''': Now that there's this guy claiming to be Zero, we have to get our priorities straight and pull the team together.
:'''OSI officer #1''': That's exactly right, and I'm not teaming up with a freaking angel of death.
:''[Rolo has been overhearing the conversation the entire time]''
:'''Rolo''': ''[thinking]'' Team? The mission is what's important, isn't it? Who cares about the team?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Li Xingke is questioning Gao Hai about his dealings with Zero]''
:'''Xingke''': Why did you recognize the USJ on your own without confirmation from the Vermillion Forbidden City? Even if you are one of the High Eunuchs, that was unforgivable. Just what are you planning to use Zero for?
:'''Gao Hai''': I've no intention to use Zero for anything! Zero must be pleased in every way!
:'''Xingke''': And the empress's feelings on this?
:'''Gao Hai''': ''[increasingly petulant]'' That little wench doesn't matter! The absolute law is that Zero shall bring happiness to me!
:'''Xingke''': Simpering ''traitor!''
:''[Xingke rips Gao Hai's throat out with a knife on a string]''
:'''Xingke''': The Crimson Dynasty is dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch and Guilford are about to start their Knightmare Frame duel while C.C. and Xingke observe from the Chinese Federation consulate]''
:'''Lelouch''': I have a question for you, Lord Guilford. What do you do when there is an evil you cannot defeat by just means? Do you stain your hands with evil to destroy evil, or do you remain steadfastly just and righteous even if it means surrendering to evil?
:'''C.C.''': In either case, evil remains.
:'''Xingke''': A paradox. Is it merely wordplay?
:'''Guilford''': In the name of Cornelia, ''I choose justice! [charges at Lelouch's'' Burai ''with his'' Gloucester'']''
:'''Lelouch''': I understand. In my case, ''I commit evil to destroy the greater evil!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Kallen engages one of the Glaston Knights, Alfred Darlton, in the confusion surrounding the upheaval of the Britannian forces onto the Chinese Federation consulate grounds]''
:'''Kallen''': Britannia, you're on notice! This is Japanese territory now!
:'''Alfred''': There is no Japan!
:'''Kallen''': Oh, really?! That's why I hate Britannians!
:''[Kallen charges towards Alfred and successfully parries his lance strike, seemingly leaving herself open for a point-blank rocket barrage from his'' Gloucester'']''
:'''Alfred''': Goodbye, Eleven ace!
:''[Alfred fires his rocket pods at point-blank range, only to have the attack blunted by the'' Guren ''Mk-II's Radiant Wave Surger]''
:'''Alfred''': It's blocked at this close range?!
:''[Kallen clamps onto Alfred's'' Gloucester''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s head with the Radiant Wave Surger]''
:'''Kallen''': This is the Radiant Wave Surger! The moment you came in close, my victory was assured! So long.
:''[Kallen activates the Radiant Wave Surger and fries Alfred and his'' Gloucester'']''

=== ''Knights of the Round'' ===

:''[Viletta has just been roped into dressing skimpily for a school event by the Swim Club]''
:'''Viletta''': ''[thinking]'' So help me, Shirley, you'll die a thousand deaths for this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Lelouch has pushed C.C. towards a big bucket of tomatoes]''
:'''Shirley''': Um, Lulu, are you alone?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[closes the bucket]'' Y-yeah.
:'''Shirley''': Aren't you just talking with somebody just now?
:'''Lelouch''': No, it's just you and me right now.
:'''Shirley''': ''[blushes]'' That's right... It's just Lulu and me... This may be my chance! Lulu, Do you want to... Eh?
''[saw a big mascot covering Lelouch]''
:'''Lelouch''': I-I'm sorry, Shirley... It's difficult to hear you from here! ''[to Kallen]'' What are you doing here?!
:'''Kallen''': I'm here to drag that pizza girl out!
:'''Lelouch''': She's in that big case of tomatoes. Carry the whole bucket and get it out from... WOAH!
''[Shirley strongly pulled Lelouch out from the mascot and dropped him in the ground]''
:'''Shirley''': ''[to the mascot]'' Who are you?! How dare you drag Lulu like that! Show yourself! ''[tries to pull the mascot's head away]''
:'''Kallen''': If I did, my identity will be revealed!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[recovering from his fall]'' What a disgrace...
''[Suzaku and Milly suddenly arrived]''
:'''Suzaku''': Lelouch!
:'''Milly''': Have you seen Arthur?
:'''Lelouch''': No, I don't think I have...
''[a rumbling sound came from the huge bucket--it was C.C. kicking the box]''
:'''Suzaku''': Arthur must be in there!
:'''Lelouch''': Cats and tomatoes don't mix!
''[the'' Ganymede ''suddenly arrives and carries the huge bucket up]''
:'''Suzaku''': Wha--? Gino?
:'''Gino''': ''[piloting the'' Ganymede'']'' That's right, Suzaku! I'll be making the biggest pizza in the world myself! See you! ''[Gino zooms away with the tomato bucket]''
:'''Lelouch''': No, wait!! ''[runs after the'' Ganymede ''and Kallen and Shirley follows]''
:'''Gino''': Now, it's shake time! ''[shakes the bucket, drowning C.C.]''
''[Arthur found himself in front of the'' Ganymede ''and ran away]''
:'''Suzaku''': Was that... Arthur?
:'''Milly''': Oh, man, I think I'm going to rebuild the festival again.
''[Lelouch runs after the'' Ganymede'', but suddenly overtaken by Suzaku, then by Kallen, then by Shirley]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[stops and pants]'' This wasn't my kind of outfit...
:'''Milly''': ''[runs happily and overtakes Lelouch]'' Fire away!
''[Lelouch groans and pants]''

=== ''Surprise Attack Over the Pacific'' ===

:''[Anya gets the drop on Chiba and crushes her'' Gekka''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s head with the'' Mordred''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s hand]''
:'''Anya''': Tag. You're dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Anya tries to get Kallen to let go of the'' Mordred ''by firing a point-blank rocket barrage at the'' Guren ''Mk-II]''
:'''Anya''': Dirty shoes.

=== ''The Abandoned Mask'' ===
:''[Lelouch remembers all of his friends including Nina, Kallen, Suzaku, and Nunally ]''
:'''Lelouch''': Long time ago, Nunally, Suzaku, and I talked about something. We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form. If I'm not mistaken, I think it was Suzaku that said that the shape of happiness might resemble glass. His reasoning made sense. He said that even though you don't usually notice it, its still definitely there. You merely have to change your point of view slightly, and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything else could argue its own existence more eloquently.
(''In the Britannian Government Bureau'')
:'''Nunnally''': How do you do everyone?. I am Nunnally vi Britannia of the royal family, 87th in line to the imperial throne. Due to the unfortunate untimely loss of Duke Calares recently, I'll shall assuming the viceroyship of Area 11 in his place.

=== ''One Million Miracles'' ===

:'''C.C.''': The one time a man never lies is when he makes a vow in his own heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Anya''': Are you some kind of masochist?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch, several Knights of the Round, and Lloyd Asplund are about to discuss the Special Administrative Zone of Japan]''  
:'''Lloyd''': Excuse me, I just wanted to ask you. Are you the same Zero as before, or are you a brand new one?  
:'''Lelouch''': Zero's truth is not based on who is within. It is the actions that measure the man.
:'''Lloyd''': A-ha, a philosopher.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch appears at the ceremonies that were for the opening of the Special Adminstrative Zone of Japan]''
:'''Lelouch''': I do not wish to be in your debt. However, I have a question. What does it mean to Japanese? A nation.
:'''Suzaku''': What?
:'''Lelouch''': It is language, territory, bloodlines?
:'''Suzaku''': No, that is not it. It is in the heart.
:'''Lelouch''':  Then we are in agreement. A feeling within, of belonging, diginity, pride, the culture is carried in the heart. You are Japanese no matter where you are.

=== ''A Bride in the Red Forbidden City'' ===

:''[Tamaki interrupts a conversation between Sugiyama, Minami, and Asahina about the Chinese Federation]''
:'''Tamaki''': Asahina, don't you know? The High Eunuchs may be guys, but they got no jewels down below!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch and Schneizel are playing chess; Lelouch decides to move his king]''
:'''Schneizel el Britannia''': It is your king.  
:'''Lelouch''': If the king does not lead, then how can he expect his subordinates to follow?
:'''Schneizel''':  Impressive strategy. In fact, I will do the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': What?! A political marriage?!
:'''Kaguya''': Yes. I've recieved an invitation to the weddding from the Sumeragi conglomerate. The bride is to be the empress, icon of the Chinese Federation. I'm her good friend and she wants me to attend.
:'''Tohdoh''': And the groom is to be the First Prince of Britannia.
:'''Rakshata''': That one they call Odysseus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Annoucer''': Annoucing the arrival of the Prime Minister of the Holy Britannian Empire, Second Prince Schneizel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''(Nina was about to attack Zero with a knife but she is stopped by Suzaku)''
:'''Nina''': ZERO! Princess Euphemia will be AVENGED!!!
:'''Suzaku''': (holding her arm) Stop it, Nina! Drop the knife!
:'''Nina''': Aah!! Why are you stopping me? You all people should've understand since you were Princess Euphemia's knight!
:'''Suzaku''': That's right. But why...?
:'''Nina''': You were just an Eleven after all! I give you... ''(Kallen stopped Nina before she's about to kill Zero)'' Why, Kallen? You're half-Britannian and yet you choose to protect that monster!
:'''Kallen''': No, that's incorrect. I'm Japanese, Nina.
:'''Nina''': No, you're not. You're an Eleven! You're an Eleven and you pretended to be my FRIEND?!! GIVE HER BACK TO ME!!! GIVE BACK PRINCESS EUPHEMIA!!! I NEEDED HER, SHE WAS A GODDESS TO ME!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''(Zero, Kaguya, and Kallen are surrounded by guards)''
:'''Empress Tianzi''': Kaguya!
:'''Xia Wang''': Well, our wedding present has arrived on its own accord. My, this worked out wonderfully.
:'''Tianzi''': You're giving them Kaguya too?!
:'''Zhao Hao''': Put that girl out of your mind, her crimes warrant of the death penalty.
:'''Tianzi''': No you can't! That's wrong! This isn't Britannia!
:'''Xia Wang''': Your Majesty, the Black Knights are the ones who killed Gao Hai. Please don't get involved and leave the politics to us. Isn't that what you always done? Let's us handle things our way.
:'''Tianzi''': But... She's a friend.
:'''Schneizel''': Can we please stop this quarreling now? Today's the day of celebration, it is not?
:'''Cai Lishi''': But, sir...
:'''Schneizel''': Miss Sumeragi, would you refrain of having Zero accompanying me to the wedding tomorrow?
:'''Kaguya Sumeragi''': I suppose... I don't have much of a choice, do I?
:'''Cai Lishi''': If that is the wish of the Prime Minister of Britannia. Then, withdraw!
''(Cai Lishi orders the guards to withdraw)''
:'''Zero''': So Schneizel, you appeared right before me. (''Suzaku is protecting Prince Schneizel)'' Hmph, as watchful as ever I see.
:'''Kaguya''': Suzaku Kururugi, do you remember me? We're cousins you and I.
:'''Suzaku''': Of course, I do.
:'''Kaguya''': We're the last remaining survivors of the Six Houses of Kyoto, aren't we?
:'''Suzaku''': Taizō Kirihara and the others supported terrorists. Nothing could've stay their executions.
:'''Kaguya''': But this is different. Cousin, did you forget that Master Zero once saved your life. Do you plan to execute someone you own your life to?
:'''Suzaku''': There's no comparison.
:'''Kaguya''': Oh, how sad! It's a good thing we're not able to kill anybody nearly of the words we say.
:'''Zero''': Prince Schneizel, would you care for a game of chess?
:'''Schneizel''': Chess?
:'''Zero''': If I win, I like to have Sir Kururugi. 
:'''Suzaku''': Huh?
:'''Kallen''': What?
:'''Zero''': I want to give him to you, Lady Kaguya.
:'''Kaguya Sumeragi''': Oh! How it will be a absolutely marvelous present!
:'''Zero''': Enjoy your anticipation of it. ''(Thinking)'' If I can get Suzaku out of here, I can use my Geass on all the others. A checkmate that will turn everything around.
:'''Schneizel''': I'll agreed to you on terms. However, If you lose, I want you to remove your mask and show your face.
:'''Zero''': Agreed.
:'''Schneizel''': What a fine evening of entertainment this has turned into.

=== ''When the'' Shen Hu ''Wins Glory'' ===

:''[the Black Knights have blundered into a trap laid by Xingke and are now fighting a losing battle against Chinese Federation forces]''
:'''Lelouch''': You've earned your victory, Xingke. I should have killed you first. You're as good a tactician as I am, and as strong a warrior as Suzaku. One could say that the heavens blessed you twice.
:''[cut to Zhou Xianglin, on the bridge of the Chinese Federation mobile command post]''
:'''Zhou Xianglin''': Yes, but the heavens didn't give him enough time to live.

=== ''Power of Passion'' ===

:'''C.C.''': The little devil grows up, huh?
:'''Lelouch''': And you're still a witch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gino Weinberg, now a student at Ashford Academy, has just introduced himself to Lelouch]''
:'''Gino''': I am really looking forward to this… ''[lengthy pause]'' …old man[pats Lelouch on the back].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': The human heart is the source of all our power [...] We fight with the power of our hearts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nina''': A single shot from the ''Mordred''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s Stark Hadron cannon would demolish the Mausoleum, wouldn't it?
:'''Lloyd ''': Well, yes. If you just want to crush them.
:'''Kanon Maldini''': And the moment we did that they'd say we killed their empress. We have to let the High Eunuchs make that last mortal blow.
:'''Zhao Hao''': So, you admit you're outmatched. Well, we won't accept your surrender. It's too late now.
:'''Lelouch''': You insist on fighting? Even though your own empress will die in the attack?
:'''Zhao Hao''': The empress is merely a system. There are plenty of others to replace her.
:'''Cheng Zhong''': So you can't use her as a bargaining chip.
:'''Lelouch''': But you use her to gain noble titles in the Britannian court.
:'''Zhao Hao''': You have sharp ears, don't you? A cheap price to pay for power.
:'''Lelouch''': Cheap? A phony treaty that gives China's land to a foreign nation?
:'''Xia Wang''': Land is nothing but dirt, after all.
:'''Zhao Hao''': Correct. We're Britannian noblemen now. That's what counts.
:'''Lelouch''': And what about the common people you sworn to protect?
:'''Zhao Hao''': Zero, when you walk down the street, do you worry about stepping on the ants?
:'''Cheng Zhong''': You throw away paper that clings to your bottom, don't you? It's the same thing.
:'''Lelouch''': You sell out your country, abandon your empress, betray your own people, and all for what?
:'''Xia Wang''': An idealist. I never thought you were so naïve, Zero.
:'''Zhao Hao''': Indeed! Masters and commoners will always breed.
:'''Cheng Zhong''': Like insects!
:'''Futaba Sumeragi''': Radiant shield generators 2 and 5 are offline!
:'''Ohgi''': That leaves the deck exposed!
:'''Tianzi''': Stop it!
:'''Kaguya''': Your Majesty!
:'''Lelouch''': Noblemen, you're bureaucrats, paper pushers who know nothing about ''noblesse oblige''!
:'''Tianzi''': Please stop it! You have to stop all this fighting!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Xingke''': Someone do it - I don't care who! But please, SOMEONE SAVE HER!!.
:'''Lelouch''': Very well, I understand. Your wish is granted. ''Deploys the Shinkirō and activates its shield, protecting the Empress and Xingke''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': How pathetic, Xingke. You were betrayed by your own countrymen. And you couldn't even save one little girl. Do you get it now? You need me. I'm the only ally you can rely on.
:'''Xingke''': I'll never be subordinate to you, Zero!
:'''Lelouch Lamperouge''': Subordinate? No. You have the potential to lead your entire nation. They need deliverance. Your empress, and all the helpless people of the Chinese Federation. They're crying out for it.
:'''Xingke''': Do you think your Knightmare can turn the tide of this battle?
:'''Lelouch''': Not at all. The tide of war is determined by strategy, not tactics.
:'''Soldier''': Emergency alert! Riots have broken out in Shanghai!
:'''Xia Wang''': Street riots?
:'''Shanghai Citizen 1''': Damn you!
:'''Shanghai Citizen 2''': You'll pay for this!
:'''Xia Wang''': They are rioting?! In Shanghai?!
:'''Soldier''': It's not just Shanghai. Suzhou, Beijing, Burma, Jakarta, Islamabad, and there are 14 other areas we're still confirming. People are rising up everywhere.
:'''Nina''': Rebellions breaking out simultaneously?
:'''Cécile''': Yes. They're broadcasting the communication between Zero and the High Eunuchs.
:'''Kanon''': Communication? So they were conspiring without informing us.
:'''Schneizel''': Can you run it?
:'''Cécile''': Yes.
:'''Zhao Hao''': The empress is merely a system. There are plenty of others to replace her.
:'''Lelouch''': And what about the common people you sworn to protect?
:'''Zhao Hao''': Zero, when you walk down the street, do you worry about stepping on the ants?
:'''Xia Wang''': Indeed! Masters and commoners will always breed.
:'''Cheng Zhong''': Like insects!
:'''Lelouch''': Thanks to the empress, the High Eunuchs are now firmly cast as the villains.
:'''Xingke''': You mean, you planned on their betrayal?
:'''Kanon''': He couldn't have caused this. It's happening too fast.
:'''Schneizel''': Unless he made use of someone else's plan already in place.
:'''Lelouch''': Correct. I've stolen other strategy of yours as well. We start a coup and the people rise up.
:'''Tohdoh''': In other words, we're not trapped here without reinforcements!
:'''Diethard''': We do have reinforcements. The starving masses of this land are the backup we needed!
:'''Chiba''': Then we could take offensive and strike!
:'''Anya''': The Black Knights are to be annihilated.
:'''C.C.''': She's just as tough as I expected. No!
:'''Anya''': What is this?
:'''C.C.''': So that's what you did.
:'''Chiba''': What's that?
:'''Asahina''': Now's our chance!
:'''Suzaku''': Anya, no!
:'''Gino''': This is the ''Tristan''. I'm moving in to cover the ''Mordred''.
:'''Tamaki''': Push them back now!
:'''Platoon Leader 1''': Fools! Deploying their ground forces at this point in the battle.
:'''Platoon Leader 2''': If we bomb them from the air, we'll destroy them.
:'''Schneizel''': No, we're withdrawing. Nations aren't dirt, and they're not systems. They're people. The High Eunuchs have lost the people's support. They're no longer qualified to join us as representatives of the Chinese Federation.
:'''Suzaku''': Yes, your highness.
:'''Futaba''': The ''Avalon'' and the Knights of the Round are withdrawing.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, I thought that's what you do, brother. However...
:'''Schneizel''': What do you think the emperor would've done, Kanon? Forget it. I was just musing a bit.
:'''Xingke''': So, Prince Schneizel has abandoned you. So much for your titles.
:'''Zhao Hao''': Don't hurt us! We'll give up our power, whatever you want!
:'''Xingke''': Still worried about your own skin?!
:''[Xingke kills and beheads all the Eunuchs with his sword]''

=== ''Love Attack!'' ===

:''[en route to the OSI command post, Lelouch is ambushed by a girl named Miya, who steals his hat]''
:'''Miya''': I did it! Now I get to be Lelouch's girlfriend!
:'''Lelouch''': Of course. ''[turns around to face Miya]'' Miya, is it?
:'''Miya''': What's up, honeybunch?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[removes his contact lens to reveal his active Geass sigil]'' Would you mind very much giving me that hat back?
:'''Miya''': ''[is overcome by Geass]'' Okay!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miya''': Now I'm more confused than usual. What am I doing here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch is overseeing Sayoko's actions from the OSI's underground command post]''
:'''Lelouch''': Sayoko, watch what you have me say, or I'll come off as being kind of mental.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Rivalz is prowling the campus on his motorcycle looking for Lelouch so he can deliver him to Milly]''
:'''Rivalz''': Prez, if Lelouch is who you want, then I, Rivalz Cardemonde, will give you what you want! My best friend in the world!
:''[Rivalz spots the'' Mordred ''flying overhead]''
:'''Rivalz''': Whoa, that can't be for real!
:'''Anya''': It is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Anya has just smashed through the library wall with the'' Mordred''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s fist, and Viletta is trying to talk her down]''
:'''Viletta''': Knight of Six, milady! This is an operations area of the OSI! Please, withdraw your Knightmare at once!
:'''Anya''': This is wrong?
:'''Viletta''': Yes, very wrong!
:'''Anya''': Wrong.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gino tries to explain the deployment of the'' Mordred ''at Ashford Academy to the Knight Police]''
:'''Gino''': This is a school for commoners. Things like this happen all the time.

=== ''The Assassin from the Past'' ===
:'''Bartley''': They say they're going to kill God.
:'''Cornelia''': God?
:'''Bartley''': I thought they were speaking metaphorically. But now, at the very least, these people believe what they're saying!
:'''Cornelia''': Ridiculous! To believe in God... there's no such being!
:'''V.V.''': That's right. ''(Both Bartley and Cornelia turn to see V.V.)'' Knowing goddesses and long bearded white men in white gowns in kingdoms and clouds. No, not that sort of god-- ''(Cornelia throws a knife into V.V.'s forehead, knocking him to the ground.)''
:'''Bartley''': ''(shocked)'' Princess Cornelia!
:'''Cornelia''': Who knows what type of Geass he controls? You must never let your guard down, even for a child!
:'''V.V.''': ''(still alive)'' Yes, that's correct. ''(stands up)'' Cornelia, you do left you're reputation, don't you? ''(He then takes the knife out of his forehead.)'' As your uncle, I'm very proud of you.
:'''Cornelia''': ''(shocked)'' My what?
:'''V.V.''': We made a solemn vow. If there was ever a God that made men fight each other. We must kill him and his divine rule.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': Right. I've sent Jeremiah on ahead. He'll take care of any obstacles in the way. Don't try to fight him. He just came over to our side. 
:''[He runs up the escalator, only to stop as he notices someone lying on the ground in the smoke. Immediately worried, he quickly runs over and gasps in terror when he sees who it is. Shirley Fenette is lying on the ground with a heavy amount of blood leaking from her body, a gunshot wound in her chest being the source of the bleeding.]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[horrified]'' ''Shirley!''
:''[He kneels down to her, overlooking her mortal wound.]''
:'''Lelouch''': Shirley, who did this to you?
:'''Shirley''': ''[voice weak, smiling]'' Lulu... I'm glad we can talk at the very end.
:'''Lelouch''': Don't say that. It's not the end. ''[takes out his cellphone]'' I'll call a doctor, so just--
:''[Shirley puts her hand on Lelouch's cellphone to stop him.]''
:'''Shirley''': Ever since my memories have come back, I've been feeling so very afraid. A teacher who wasn't a teacher. Friends who don't have memories to share. Everyone... was just... lying. It felt as though the whole world was spying on me. That's the world you've been fighting all by yourself, isn't it? All alone. So that's why I... why I wanted to be someone who would at least be truthful to you.
:'''Lelouch''': Shirley...
:'''Shirley''': Lulu... ''I love you.'' Even knowing how you caught my father in all this... I simply couldn't hate you. Even though you made me forget everything, I still fell in love with you. ''[She tightens her grip on Lelouch's hand.]'' Even though my memories were tampered with, I kept falling in love... with you all over again. 
:''[As her life peters out, her eyes begin to close. Lelouch, in a moment of grief-stricken panic, immediately removes the contact over his Geass eye.]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[shouting]'' NO, SHIRLEY! ''YOU CAN'T DIE!''
:''[He activates his Geass, attempting to will her into finding the strength to survive. While it kicks in, she ultimately lacks the physical strength to carry out the command. In addition, Shirley manages to overcome it, just to continue speaking to Lelouch.]''
:'''Shirley''': No matter how many times I'm reborn... ''[More blood has started pouring up from the hole in her chest.]'' ...I'll keep falling in love with you, Lulu. ''[Her blood is leaking onto the floor, to Lelouch's feet.]'' I suppose that it's simply fate.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[desperate]'' No, don't die! ''[He uses his Geass yet again.]'' I ''ORDER'' YOU NOT TO DIE!
:''[Once again, the Geass cannot will her into surviving. Shirley's eyes start to fill with tears.]''
:'''Shirley''': So is that okay, then, Lulu? ''[Tears are forming in Lelouch's eyes.]'' And as I'm reborn... I'll fall in love with you over and over. ''[Shirley's eyes continue to close.]'' I'll keep... falling... in love... with... y...
:''[Her voice giving out, Shirley closes her eyes and dies. Her hand falls limp into the pool of her own blood. Lelouch twitches, eyes wide and brimming over with tears.]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[shocked, disbelieving]'' Shirley...? ''Shirley!'' 
:''[He stares in denial at her corpse with tears pouring from his eyes, shaking in grief... and he screams in despair.]''

=== ''Geass Hunt'' ===
:'''Jeremiah''': That machine was made so that I could prove my loyalty.
:'''V.V.''': Jeremiah, I thought that you had a personal grudge against Zero.
:'''Jeremiah''': I did because I thought he was a mere commoner preventing me from serving the royal family, but now I know who he is, and I know that by serving him, I am serving MY LADY MARIANNE!

:''[Lelouch and Cornelia prepare to strike the final blow on V.V.'s ''Siegfried ''.]''
:'''Cornelia''': Now you will suffer for what you did to Euphie…
:'''Lelouch''': …the source…
:'''Lelouch &amp; Cornelia''': ''(In unison)'' …of Geass!

=== ''C's World'' ===
''[In C's World, the emperor and Lelouch finally meet face to face]''
:'''Charles''': It's been a long time, Lelouch. My prodigal son.
:'''Lelouch''': Answer my question about eight years ago! Why you didn't tried to protect Mother? You knew the others were plotting against her! You know everything!
:'''Charles''': People are not equal!
:'''Lelouch''': What?
:'''Charles''': You have a unique form of Geass! A power that no one else possesses! Use it, to get the answer from me!
:'''Lelouch''': [Thinking] He's baiting me, trying to get me to use my Geass on him. But... If I look into his eyes, then he'll look into mine. His Geass requires eye contact just like mine does. So the moment I look, his Geass will take control of me and he'll alter my memories. What will I do?
:'''Charles''': What's wrong? Are you not my son, a prince of Britannia?
:'''Lelouch''': [activating his Geass] I have no time to make the wrong choice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Ohgi is waiting when finally he meets Villetta]''
:'''Ohgi''': Chigusa.
:'''Villetta''': That was the name you called me when I lost my memory. What's my real name?
''[She points her gun at Ohgi]''
:'''Ohgi''': Villetta. But that doesn't change anything. 
:'''Villetta''': I am a Britannian baroness. No matter what the reason, if I don't erase the disgrace of my having loved an Eleven, I won't be able to live in this world.
:'''Ohgi''': I suppose not. If I must die, I just wish it could've been in Japan.
:'''Villetta''': You came here knowing I was going to kill you?
:'''Ohgi''': Everybody dies. I wanted to choose the time.
:'''Villetta''': You can also choose to kill me if you want. Tell me, why did a terrorist save a Britannian in the first place?
:'''Ohgi''': In the beginning, I thought I could get information from you about Zero. I tricked you, kept you under surveillance. But while we lived together, I-
:'''Villetta''': I'm your sworn enemy!
:'''Ohgi''': But I still love you!
:'''Villetta''': Are you insane?!
:'''Ohgi''': I must be. You are the enemy. But I can't stop myself from loving you!
:'''Villetta''': [sobbing] I wish I've never set eyes on you-
''[Suddenly Sayoko appears]''
:'''Ohgi''': From the Intelligence?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Lelouch and Charles are in C's World]''
:'''Lelouch''': What is Geass? I wan't the truth.
:'''Charles''': How strange. A child who's wrapped himself in lies desires the truth from others.
:'''Lelouch''': What?
:'''Charles''': The false name and false mask of Zero - what has it gotten you?
:'''Lelouch''': Everything! It's gotten me all of the things that ordinary people can never obtain. Followers. Territory.
:'''Charles''': You lost Euphemia. Suzaku and Nunally are also lost to your lies.
:'''Lelouch''': Shut up! I did what I had to do. People lie to survive. No one is blameless.
:'''Charles''': You want others to know your true self, yet you only show them a false face. How can anyone know you if you don’t reveal yourself? If you hide behind masks, you are afraid that they’ll find out who you really are.
:'''Lelouch''': No!
:'''Charles''': In the end, your lies serve no purpose because you are me and I am you. All else is illusion. Though there are worlds without end, there is but one being; in the past, in the future, and now, there is only one.
:'''Lelouch''': One? What are you saying?
''[C.C. appears]''
:'''C.C.''': Charles. Play time is over now. There's nothing in it for me now, no values in the games anymore.
:'''Lelouch''': C.C.?
:'''C.C.''': You don't have to cajole him like this to get me here. I already exist in this realm.
:'''Charles''': True enough, C.C. In that case, I shall grant your wish.
:'''Lelouch''': You know what C.C.'s wish is?
:'''C.C.''': Lelouch, it's time you know the conditions of our contract and what I desire. My wish is to die; to end my existence in all worlds forever.
:'''Lelouch''': But why? Why would you want to die?
:'''C.C.''': In the final stage of Geass, the user attains the position of the one who granted them the power. Thus, you have gained the power to kill me.
:'''Lelouch''': Kill you? C.C...
:'''C.C.''': Of all those I have made contracts with, none has ever reached that point. But now there's Charles. He has done it.
:'''Lelouch''': You mean... You made the contract with me so you could cease to exist?
:'''C.C.''': Correct.
:'''Lelouch''': But why would you want to die?
:'''C.C.''': It's providence; a boundary. Only when it's final can we call it life.
:'''Lelouch''': That's wrong! We call it life because we feel it.
:'''C.C.''': Same thing. There is no life unless there is death.
:'''Lelouch''': That's just word play, it's not real!
:'''C.C.''': People die, that's real.
:'''Lelouch''': Why are we born at all? What's the purpose of it? The meaning?
:'''C.C.''': You know the answer. Those things are all just illusions.
:'''Lelouch''': No! Living just to die is too sad.
:'''C.C.''': Without death, all we have are just random events. Accumulation. You can't call that life. If you have a reason for living, then you have to kill me. Do that and you'll be Charles' equal. You'll finally be able to beat him. So fare thee well, Lelouch. You're too kind to end our contract.
:'''Lelouch''': Wait! You're - Aaahhh!
''[Lelouch falls] [Charles grins]''

=== ''United Federation of Nations Resolution Number One'' ===

:''[Lelouch is trying to deal with C.C.'s amnesia]''
:'''C.C''': What should I be doing now?
:'''Lelouch''': Let's see now. Sing me a song while hopping on one foot and wearing your clothes inside-out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Suzaku attempts to apologize to Kallen for his mistreatment of her]''
:'''Suzaku''': I'm sorry!
:''[Kallen assaults Suzaku, her words punctuated by punches and slaps]''
:'''Kallen''': What the hell does ''that'' mean?! There's no need to ''apologize''! It's either ''right'' or ''wrong''! You think you can flip on the good-guy routine whenever you like?! Not when I'm this pissed off! Kallen Kōzuki's a soldier, not a sideshow! ''[scoffs at Suzaku as she sits back down]'' I'm mostly pissed off because you're not resisting. ''[pauses for a moment as Suzaku groans in agony]'' There. Put me to death. An inmate assaulting a Knight of the Round should be good reason enough for anyone.
:'''Suzaku''': No, I won't, because I'm the one who did wrong.
:'''Kallen''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;No, I won't.&quot; '''I HATE YOU!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Anya''': Memories that people have are always fake. No point in believing in them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Luciano Bradley, the Knight of Ten, introduces himself to Suzaku]''
:'''Luciano Bradley''': What do people value most, Sir Kururugi the traitor? Their own life, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Luciano interrupts a conversation between Nunnally and Kallen]''
:'''Nunnally''': I don't believe I gave you permission to enter this area, Sir Bradley.
:'''Luciano''': My apologies, Your Highness.
:'''Kallen''': Well, so you're the Vampire of Britannia.
:'''Luciano''': Yes. It's a shame we're not on a battlefield, or I could savor your blood as well.
:'''Kallen''': Pity. So, you here to finish off the hostage?
:'''Luciano''': Not so. Hostages have only one value I care for. It seems to hold dear to life, and when alive, one can do anything he has a whim for…''to its body''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lloyd, Cécile, Nina, Suzaku, and Anya are discussing plans for an impending attack on Tokyo]''
:'''Cécile''': Huh? Mount the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.'' onto the ''Lancelot''?
:'''Lloyd''': Well, the intention was for Suzaku to pilot the ''Guren'', but…
:'''Suzaku''': ''[surprised]'' The ''Guren''?
:'''Cécile''': Sorry, he's right. I got so carried away I forgot. It's just, Lloyd and I got so wrapped up in our little hobby that we--
:'''Suzaku''': Hobby?
:'''Lloyd''': Rakshata's mechanisms are quite easy to tinker with. Now it's so souped up it can't be flown! End result, you're our little devicer again!
:'''Nina''': Excuse me, Professor Lloyd? Now that you've mentioned the ''Lancelot''--
:'''Lloyd''': You wouldn't mix up a strategic weapon with a tactical one, would you?
:'''Nina''': I have thought it through. Any matter caught in the primary effect field will be annihilated by the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s rapid sphere collapse.
:'''Cécile''': Hold on! You want Suzaku to fire a weapon like that?!
:'''Anya''': He'll kill his own people. A massacre.
:'''Nina''': Suzaku, you don't consider yourself an Eleven anymore, right? That's why I want to entrust the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.'' to you.
:'''Suzaku''': You'd give me…that burden?
:'''Nina''': You were Princess Euphemia's knight, so naturally.
:'''Lloyd''': ''[spins in a circle before facing Nina]'' Nina, darling, a fine quandary. Might just kill Suzaku…and take you along as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch, shaken significantly by the reappearance of Emperor Charles, returns to his quarters, where C.C. attempts to offer him one last slice of pizza]''
:'''C.C.''': Uh, Master, I kept this last piece so you could have it. You left without having breakfast and must be hungry. So, please, if you--
:'''Lelouch''': '''''BE QUIET!'''''
:''[Lelouch attacks C.C. in a fit of rage, shattering the plate she's carrying and sending her to the floor; he then relents as he sees her bleeding from a large cut on her finger]''
:'''Lelouch''': Hey--
:'''C.C.''': ''[starts cowering, thinking that Lelouch is going to start beating her]'' Forgive me, Master! I'll clean it up at once!
:'''Lelouch''': No! Leave it there! ''[starts attending to C.C.'s wound]'' Be careful now. You're bleeding.
:'''C.C.''': No, it's fine. I'm okay. I get cut up all the time.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[thinking]'' All the time?
:'''C.C.''': Bleeding feels even better when it's cold. It feels warm on your outside. It stings a bit, but only on the outside, and that's always better than hurt on your inside. It's just, any kind of warmth helps make you try to keep going. ''[Lelouch is visibly shivering as he holds C.C.'s hand]'' Oh, lookit, Master, you're shaking. Are you cold now?
:'''Lelouch''': Uh, yeah, maybe. Maybe I am. ''[C.C. starts holding Lelouch's hand as well]'' And the hurt on the inside…how's it healed?
:'''C.C.''': You just think of… ''[pauses as she tries to think]'' …some friends.
:'''Lelouch''': Huh?
:'''C.C.''': I've never actually had one. Not like families. That always comes and goes. I mean, someone special who stands beside you. At least, I guess that's what I've heard that friends do.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, they do.
:'''C.C.''': I'm right? A friend will stand by your side?
:'''Lelouch''': Exactly right. A friend is always there.

=== ''The Taste of Dirt'' ===
:'''Luciano''': Irrelevant. Killing is all one should do on the battlefield!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lelouch is meeting Suzaku in the Kururugi Shrine asking for his help to protect Nunnally.]''
:'''Suzaku''': I need to know. Did you use your Geass power on Euphy? Be honest.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes.
:'''Suzaku''': You caused her to massacre the Japanese?
:'''Lelouch''': I ordered her to do it.
:'''Suzaku''': Why would you use your Geass power like that?! ''[He doesn't answer]'' Answer me!
:'''Lelouch''': To motivate the Japanese people. If the Specially Administrated Zone of Japan had been established, the Black Knights would have collapsed.
:'''Suzaku''': And Shirley's death?
:'''Lelouch''': Also my fault.
:'''Suzaku''': You aren't even human, you know that? Shirley and Euphy...Were both of them nothing more than pawns for your ambitions?
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, that's right. So all the sin is mine to shoulder. My little sister had nothing to do with it!
:'''Suzaku''': Why you coward! How could you use Nunnaly like that?! ''[Lelouch gets down on his legs.]''
:'''Lelouch''': Suzaku, I'm sorry. For the first time in my life, I'm bowing down to another person. Shame and honor mean nothing to me. All I want is this, and my Geass be damned! Just please, you have to save Nunnaly! I beg of-- ''[Suzaku's shoe steps on Lelouch's head, which causes him to fall to the ground with Suzaku keeping him down.]''
:'''Suzaku''': After everything you've done, you really think this is sufficient? You believe some bowing and begging is enough for me to forgive you?!
:'''Lelouch''': No, of course I don't, but it's all I got! I have nothing else left to offer! You're the only person in the world who can save my sister now!
:'''Suzaku''': So you believe...I'll just ignore the past and forgive you? That everyone is going to forgive you?! ''[He puts more pressure on Lelouch's head.]'' The people you've tricked...The people who've died thanks to you...And what about Euphy?! You wanna apologize?! Then bring Euphy back to life! Right now! I wanna see you save the world with all your malice! Right now! You're Zero, the miracle worker, aren't you?!
:'''Lelouch''': I've preformed no miracles! It's all been calculation and stage production. The mass they call Zero is a symbol! Just a device that lets me tell lies!
:'''Suzaku''': Device?! You don't really expect me to believe that excuse, do you?! ''[Suzaku takes his shoe off Lelouch and picks him up by his shoulders.]'' If you're going to tell a lie, then keep it up 'til the very end!
:'''Lelouch''': I can't go back to the past! There's not a choice! You know I can't undo what's already been done!
:'''Suzaku''': Lelouch! YOU WILL ANSWER ME! ''[He throws Lelouch to the ground.]'' Why did you use your Geass on me to make me wanna live?! '''WHY?!''' The Geass you used on me that drives me to live has corrupted my convictions! Why would you put such a curse on me?!
:'''Lelouch''': I only did it because I wanted to survive.
:'''Suzaku''': Then why did you save me when I was accused of Prince Clovis' murder?
:'''Lelouch''': I wanted to make the Japanese trust me, that's all.
:'''Suzaku''': Why did you save the student council members from the hotel jacking?
:'''Lelouch''': Because I thought it presented an ideal for the Black Knights' debut.
:'''Suzaku''': ''[Thinking]'' The look in his eyes...I know that look...The look of torment that comes from bottling up a lie. That's why I joined the Britannian Army: for redemption. So that the tragedy wouldn't repeat itself. ''[Aloud]'' You're lying, aren't you? Lelouch, there's only one way to redeem yourself for yourself. Turn your falsehoods into the truth. 
:'''Lelouch''': Huh?
:'''Suzaku''': You told the world a lie when you proclaimed you were a knight for justice. Why don't you live up to that lie by trying to become a true knight for justice. Then you'll have the lie going, to the very end.
:'''Lelouch''': But how? How can I do that?
:'''Suzaku''': By putting an end to this war. You are Zero. This job, only Zero can do it. It's within your power. Bring peace and happiness to the world. If you do that, I'll save Nunnally.
:'''Lelouch''': You will? You'll save her?
:'''Suzaku''': But we'll work together. One more time for her sake.
:'''Lelouch''': I'm grateful. The two of us together. We can accomplish anything. ''[Lelouch was about to grab Suzaku's hand, when a bullet stops them. After, several Knightmares surround them.]''
:'''Suzaku''': Wha-What the...?
:'''Claudio''': Hold it right there, Zero!
:'''Bart''': We've already uncovered your true identity! ''[A group of Britannian soldiers surround Lelouch and Suzaku.]''
:'''Britannian Soldier #1''': Are you all right, Sir Kururugi?
:'''Britannian Soldier #2''': Please, stay back!
:'''Lelouch''': Suzaku...''[The Britannian soldiers point their guns at Lelouch while two others restrain him.]'' You set me up from the start?!
:'''Suzaku''': No, wait--! ''[Kanon puts his hand on Suzaku's shoulder.]'' 
:'''Kanon''':You've done a great deed here, Sir Kururugi. Excellent work. You've managed to bring this war to an end.
:'''Lelouch''': I see...You planned to sell me out again...You betrayed me, Suzaku...'''YOU BETRAYED ME!!!'''

=== ''The Second Decisive Battle of Tokyo'' ===

:''[Jeremiah in the'' Sutherland Sieg ''attacks Suzaku's'' Lancelot Conquista'', much to Suzaku's surprise.]''
:'''Suzaku''': Jeremiah, is that you?!
:'''Jeremiah''': Suzaku Kururugi, I owe you a debt. I sympathize with you. I respect you. But in this situation… ''loyalty trumps all!''
:''[Suzaku attempts to disengage from the'' Sutherland Sieg'']''
:'''Suzaku''': The ''Siegfried''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s--
:'''Jeremiah''': Take this! ''[fires a rocket barrage at the'' Lancelot Conquista'']'' The storm of my '''LOYALTY!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gino Weinberg joins the fray above Tokyo, just in time to save Suzaku from Jeremiah]''
:'''Gino''': No one can defeat a Knight of the Round. ''No one!''
:''[Gino manages to score a hit on the'' Sutherland Sieg'', freeing Suzaku in the process]''
:'''Suzaku''': Gino, thank you.
:'''Gino''': Can't you look a bit happier when someone saves your life? ''[beat]'' Lord Jeremiah! So, what they said about Orange was true, huh?
:'''Jeremiah''': Orange, you say? ''[chuckles]'' That is the name of my loyalty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Anya Alstreim ambushes Lelouch and starts firing the'' Mordred''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s guns at the'' Shinkirō ''at point-blank range.]''
:'''Anya''': Which one do you think is stronger, your shield or my Stark Hadron Cannon?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luciano Bradley gets ready to kill Lelouch.]''
:'''Luciano''': Here's a question: What do people value most? Answer: Their life, of course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luciano finds himself under attack by Shinichirō Tamaki and his'' Akatsuki ''squadron.]''
:'''Tamaki''': Let Zero go! Or you'll have to deal with me, Shinichirō Tamaki, his best bud!
:''[Luciano fires a missile barrage from the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s shield, destroying the'' Akatsukis ''besieging him; Tamaki bails out.]''
:'''Tamaki''': ''[frustrated]'' Damn it! This always happens to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lelouch attempts a sneak attack on Luciano by firing the'' Shinkirō''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s main gun at point-blank range, only to find himself at the end of the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s hand-mounted drill lance]''
:'''Luciano''': Just what I was waiting for, Zero! To go into attack mode, you dropped your shield! Now I will take what you value most and ''blow it away!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lloyd is despairing over the theft of the'' Guren S.E.I.T.E.N.'']''
:'''Lloyd''': You thieves! That's mine, all mine!
:'''Cécile''': Oh, not quite! I did some of the upgrades, ''remember?''
:'''Lloyd''': Oh, right, it's actually a collaboration. Oh, ''what am I talking about?!'' With a capable devicer, even at 60% output, that unit can cut the other Knightmares to ribbons!
:''[Meanwhile, Rakshata is indignant over Lloyd and Cécile's tampering with the original'' Guren ''Mk-II.]''
:'''Rakshata''': That's the Earl of Pudding's work and Cécile's energy wings! How dare they, altering my ''Guren'' without my permission!
:'''Ohgi''': Still, now that we've got Kallen back in the combat zone…
:'''Tohdoh''': …it will even up the battle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Britannian Officer''': Sir Bradley, you have permission to destroy the ''Guren''.
:'''Luciano''': Irrelevant! Killing is all one should do on the battlefield!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luciano and Kallen trade barbs while dueling over the skies of Tokyo in their respective Knightmares.]''
:'''Luciano''': Eleven! Do you know the prime truth of the battlefield? Kill a man off the field, and you're a criminal, but kill him on it, and you're a ''big'' hero!
:'''Kallen''': So, the Vampire of Britannia wants to be a hero now, is that it?
:'''Luciano''': No, not at all. War allows me to officially take what people value most: ''Their lives!''
:'''Kallen''': Some knight. You're barely a ''scoundrel!''
:''[Kallen destroys the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s shield with a ranged Radiant Wave Surger blast; Luciano readies the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s drill lance in response and charges.]''
:'''Luciano''': And now--!
:'''Kallen''': And now ''what?'' ''[shatters the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s drill lance with the'' Guren S.E.I.T.E.N.''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s knife]'' That's not going to work.
:'''Luciano''': Ah, but now I've got you in close range.
:''[Luciano fires the'' Percival''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s head-mounted Slash Harken, only to have Kallen snag the cord in the'' Guren S.E.I.T.E.N.''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s hand and then latch onto the'' Percival ''with the Radiant Wave Surger claw.]''
:'''Luciano''': What?!
:'''Kallen''': Question: What do ''you'' value the most? Your own ''pitiful life''!
:'''Luciano''': ''[livid]'' You think an Eleven can threaten me?!
:'''Kallen''': ''[quietly, under breath]'' Send a postcard.
:''[Kallen fries the'' Percival ''with the Radiant Wave Surger, with Luciano still inside.]''
:'''Luciano''': ''[disbelieving]'' My life! My life is taken… ''by a lowly Eleven?! AAAGH!''
:''[The'' Percival ''explodes, killing Luciano.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kallen comes under attack by Suzaku while Gino duels a Geass-influenced Guilford]''
:'''Gino''': Kallen. So, in the end, you chose the name &quot;Kōzuki&quot; over &quot;Stadtfeld.&quot;
:'''Kallen''': That's right, which means you and I do battle once again. So, should I be happy or sad about that, Gino?
:'''Gino''': ''[chuckles]'' Why don't we just enjoy it?

=== ''Betrayal'' ===

:''[Lelouch, still in shock over Nunnally's death, goes psychotic upon spotting the locket attached to Rolo's cell phone and snatches it from his hands]''
:'''Lelouch''': What are you doing with this?! It's Nunnally's! I wanted to give this locket to Nunnally, not to you! ''To Nunnally!'' You think you could ever replace Nunnally in my heart?! You're an '''''IMPOSTER!''' [Lelouch tosses the cell phone to the ground; C.C. cowers in fear as Rolo sits there, despondent]'' Haven't you figured it out yet?! I hate you! I loathe you! '''I DESPISE YOU!''' I've been trying to kill you, but I keep '''MISSING THE CHANCE!'''
:'''Rolo''': ''[still hasn't figured it out yet, even with Lelouch telling it to his face]'' Big…brother?
:'''Lelouch''': '''GET OUT OF HERE!''' I never want to see your face again! I said, '''''GET OUT!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lloyd''': You need to make a choice, Nina. Do you abandon science to preserve your heart, or abandon your heart and sacrifice yourself to science?
:'''Nina''': How can I do either? Did you make such a choice, Professor Lloyd?
:'''Lloyd''': I didn't have to. I'm a sociopath; I was born with an abandoned heart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Schneizel is holding a meeting with the Black Knights]''
:'''Schneizel''': Now that I think about it, I never finished my match with Zero, did I?
:'''Diethard''': Zero won't be attending. Not until we have the details of the proposal.
:'''Schneizel''': Of course. I didn't ''expect'' him to show. He's not the type who consults with others. No, he keeps things to himself and holds people at a distance.
:'''Diethard''': That's strange. You talk about him as if you know him intimately.
:'''Schneizel''': More than any of you do. Zero is our younger brother. Cornelia's and my own.
:'''Tamaki''': What are you saying?
:'''Schneizel''': He is the former 11th royal prince of the Holy Britannian Empire: Lelouch vi Britannia. The man whom I both loved and feared more than any other.
:'''Tohdoh''': Impossible.
:'''Tamaki''': You're telling us that Zero's a Britannian prince?
:'''Cornelia''': Diethard, please. In all this time, you never figure that out? Even with all the information you were getting from Jeremiah and Villetta?
:'''Diethard''': You're wasting your time. You can't cause chaos here by spreading these irrelevant stories. It's not Zero's lineage that matters but rather his efforts and the miracles that he's performed for us.
:'''Schneizel''': But what if all those miracles he perform were actually tricks.
:'''Diethard''': Tricks.
:'''Schneizel''': Zero possesses a special power. It is known as Geass. It's the absolute power to compel anyone to obey him. You can think of it as extreme hypnosis.
:'''Tohdoh''': You're saying his miracles come from that power?
:'''Tamaki''': Are you trying to dis my man Zero? He's got brains and guts and he kicks Britannian butt! A prince with Geass power? Where is the proof of all this bul, huh?
:'''Ohgi''': I have the proof.
:'''Tamaki''': Ohgi?
:'''Chiba''': And Villetta?
:'''Ohgi''': What he saying is all ''true''. Zero was a former Britannian prince named Lelouch. He controls people with his Geass power. A con man. Zero's been tricking us all along. Using us like pawns from the start.
:'''Tamaki''': You don't ''mean'' this, Ohgi.
:'''Chiba''': But if that's really true then...
:'''Diethard''': Then it doesn't matter. It doesn't erase a single thing that he's done for us. And if he really does have this Geass power, then doesn't that just help us? It's another weapon to use in our fight against Britannia.
:'''Ohgi''': Yes, that would make perfect sense if he only used it against our enemies.
:'''Tamaki''': What?
:'''Chiba''': Are you saying he used it on us?
:'''Cornelia''': Of course. He used Geass to control his own sister Euphemia. He ''made'' her slaughter the Elevens in the Special Zone.
:'''Tamaki''': You're lying! Zero is a knight for justice. He would never do something like...
:'''Schneizel''': We ''have'' evidence. ''[activates the tape recorder]''
:'''Suzaku''': Did you use your Geass power on Euphie? Be honest.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes.
:'''Suzaku''': You ''caused'' her to massacre the Japanese?
:'''Lelouch''': I ''ordered'' her to do it.
:'''Chiba''': Then, that whole bloodbath was...
:'''Cornelia''': Euphie was ''just'' a girl. Zero was in control.
:'''Tohdoh''': So Zero slaughtered our people for his own ambitions?
:'''Tamaki''': That recording is fake!
:'''Kanon''': These are people in incidents that we suspect he manipulated with his Geass.
:'''Tohdoh''': Kusakabe... Even Major General Katase!
''[The list of Geass victims like Guilford, Darlton, Shirley, Euphemia, and Suzaku revealed]''
:'''Chiba''': I can't believe it.
:'''Diethard''': Clovis.
:'''Villetta''': He used it on me, too.
:'''Ohgi''': That explains why Gao Hai changed.
:'''Chiba''': And that explains why Jeremiah and the others became traitors.
:'''Schneizel''': His Geass might be controlling even Nina. There's no way to be certain about that. When you think about it, it's a terrifying prospect.
:'''Chiba''': You mean...?
:'''Tamaki''': We could be...?
:'''Kanon''': There's one more thing. We notified Zero about the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.'' warhead before the battle. We wanted to avoid using it. It's still in the ''Lancelot''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s communications record. However...
:'''Tohdoh''': He never told us anything about that.
:'''Asahina''': We can't trust commander Zero!
:'''Tohdoh''': Asahina...
:'''Ohgi''': I wanted to put my trust in Zero. I wanted to believe in him, but we mean nothing to him. We're just pawns.
:'''Tamaki''': Treating us like chumps. Damn! How could he do this to us?
:'''Schneizel''': Everyone. Zero is my brother. Will you please hand him over to me for justice?
:'''Ohgi''': On one condition.
:'''Tamaki''': Ohgi!
:'''Cornelia''': You think you're in a position to bargain over this?
:'''Schneizel''': Wait, let's hear it.
:'''Ohgi''': Our Japan, return it. We're betraying our comrade, so at least we deserve to regain Japan. Otherwise, ''I'' could never forgive myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zero''': Kallen, it's good you made it back. I'm sorry it took so long to get you out.
:'''Kallen''': Lelouch, listen, when I was imprisoned, I happened to talk to Nunnally. She stood up for me and she saved me.
:'''Zero''': I see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Black Knights put Zero and Kallen at gunpoint]''
:'''Tohdoh''': Surrender, Zero!
:'''Chiba''': How dare you try to run a con game on us?
:'''Ohgi''': We know everything about your Geass power!
:''[Lelouch, under the mask, is horrified about what they know]''
:'''Diethard''': Zero, the renowned hero, died in battle before he could triumph, but his gallant life and daring deeds will continue to live on in myth and legend.
:'''Zero''': Is that the script you've written for me, Diethard?
:'''Diethard''': Actually, I ''wanted'' to film your brilliant campaign and glorious victory over Britannia, but I'm afraid that show's been permanently ''cancelled''.
:'''Lelouch''': ''[thinking]'' What do I do? Knightmares are beyond my reach, but Ohgi and the others are defenseless. If I can use my Geass secretly...
:'''Minami''': Everybody ''trusted'' you, Zero.
:'''Sugiyama''': Inoue and Yoshida sacrifice their lives for ''you''.
:'''Kallen''': Wait a minute! This is all ''one-sided!'' Look at how far we've come ''because'' of Zero. At least let him answer!
:'''Tamaki''': You're in the way, Kallen!
:'''Sugiyama''': Do you want to die with Zero?
:'''Minami''': Don't tell me he used his Geass on you, too?
:'''Kallen''': I need an answer, Lelouch. What do I mean to you? I have to know. If I could stay with you, I would. Please.
:'''Lelouch''': ''(thinking)'' Schneizel! You made your move and now you're calling check. There's no way out of this for me. It's over!
:'''Kallen''': Please answer me, Lelouch.
:'''Lelouch''': ''(laughing)'' Fools! You ''finally'' figured it out. That I've been ''using'' you all along. That's ''right''. You're all just pawns in my game.
:'''Ohgi''': Zero, so you really are...
:'''Tamaki''': Zero!
:'''Kallen''': Lelouch, no...
:'''Lelouch''': Kallen. You were my most useful piece. Much like a well-played knight. This whole world was the board for the game, and all for my entertainment.
:'''Kallen''': I see. ''Goodbye'' then, Lelouch.
:'''Tohdoh''': Get ready!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[whispering]'' Kallen, you have to ''live''.
:'''Tohdoh''': '''''Fire!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Even after being rejected by Lelouch, Rolo still comes to his aid nonetheless and helps him escape from the traitorous Black Knights]''
:'''Lelouch''': That's enough, Rolo. I don't want to live anymore.
:'''Rolo''': I won't stop, brother, because of this.
:'''Lelouch''': Stop doing—
''[Lelouch is interrupted as Rolo activates his Geass, causing an entire squadron of pursuing Akatsukis to drop out of the sky as their pilots are paralyzed]''
:'''Rolo''': All throughout my life, people have used me like a tool.
:'''Lelouch''': —this, Rolo! Why are you still trying—
''[Rolo activates his Geass again against a group of Britannian'' Portman IIs ''and destroys them with the'' Shinkirō''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s light hadron guns]''
:'''Rolo''': I was used by the Order.
:'''Lelouch''': —to save me?! You know that—
:'''Rolo''': And then ''you'' used me, big brother. ''[clutches his chest as he starts to feel the effects of cardiac failure due to overuse of his Geass]'' Yeah, maybe you've been using me for your ends right from the very start. But… only the time I spent with you seemed real!
:'''Lelouch''': —I was only usi—
''[Rolo activates his Geass once more against a group of Britannian'' Vincent Wards ''and destroys them with the'' Shinkirō''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s light hadron guns]''
:'''Rolo''': It was… those memories… that finally made me… ''human!''
''[Rolo is forced to deactivate his Geass prematurely as he starts having breathing problems, right as the'' Shinkirō ''encounters a Britannian airship]''
:'''Lelouch''': —using you! ''[sees Rolo's condition]'' Rolo!
:'''Rolo''': That's why I'm not… ''[attempts to activate his Geass again but fails to sustain it and starts coughing profusely]'' I'm not… ''[summons the effort to activate his Geass one final time]''
:'''Lelouch''': No, stop using your Geass like that! Do you want to di—
:'''Rolo''': I'm not… a tool! I do this… out of my own… free will… ''as a human being!''
''[Rolo carves the Britannian airship to pieces with the'' Shinkirō''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'s laser, making good his and Lelouch's escape]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Rolo lands the'' Shinkirō'', Lelouch asks him why he did what he did]''
:'''Lelouch''': Rolo, why did you save me, after all I've done to you?
:'''Rolo''': Because… you're a liar, big brother. It was… a lie, wasn't it? What you said about trying to kill me, about… hating me and all of that.
:'''Lelouch''': Of course, and you saw right through me, didn't you? Just what I'd expect of my little brother.
:'''Rolo''': ''[weakly; last words]'' That's right, I thought so, 'cause I know who you really are inside your heart. I know everything about you, big brother.
:''[Lelouch places Rolo's cell phone with the attached locket in his now-lifeless hand]''
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, you got it right. '''Your big brother…is just a liar.'''

=== ''Emperor Dismissed'' ===

:''[within the'' Sword of Akasha'', Emperor Charles starts to set his grand plan into motion]''
:'''Charles''': God! Hear me now! The time has come to settle this!
:'''Lelouch''': You're wrong. You lift your voice to call upon God, but it's not God you need to settle things with, Charles zi Britannia.
:''[Emperor Charles turns around to face his wayward son]''
:'''Lelouch''': It's me, ''your son!''
:'''Charles''': And how will you challenge me? Neither gun nor sword will have any effect on me, nor will the power of your Geass! Nothing you can do can kill me!
:'''Lelouch''': But I don't need to kill you. By coming to this parallel realm, you've already ensured my victory.
:''[Emperor Charles grunts in surprise as the Kamine Island Thought Elevator is bombed; the skies of the'' Sword of Akasha ''turn dark and flash lightning briefly]''
:'''Charles''': You sealed the exit?!
:'''Lelouch''': Yes! You, I, and the power of Geass are now sealed in this space together. And if you can no longer interfere with the real world, then all your plans will be meaningless in the end. You may as well be ''dead''!
:'''Charles''': ''Lelouch!''
:'''Lelouch''': This system, which you created, has become a prison, which now holds your own soul captive. Now, let us repent… '''''suffering together for all eternity!'''''

=== ''The Ragnarök Connection'' ===

:''[In C's World, Lelouch finally sees his mother in real form]''
:'''Lelouch''': Mother... It can't be!
:'''Marianne''': My, Lelouch. How you've grown.
:'''Lelouch''': Mo-Mother!
:'''Charles''': Marianne, I see you've come.
:'''Lelouch''': Is this an illusion?! You're doing this?
:'''Marianne''': No, it really ''is'' me, Lelouch. However, I can only take on my original appearance while I'm present within this system.
:'''Lelouch''': It really is...
:'''Charles''': Lelouch, I will now answer your previous question. Half a century ago, my elder brother and I existed in a Hell on Earth; our family were just rivals competing for the throne. Assassinations occurred with regularity, dealing with betrayal and spawned by lies, killing each other off. My own mother fell victim to it. My brother and I were sick and angered by the world, we therefore both sworn an oath: to create a world without lies. 
:'''Marianne''': Both C.C. and I agreed to this as well. V.V., however...
:''[Cut to the Britannian homeland, eight years ago...]''
:'''Marianne''': What did you call me for today? I cleared everyone out of here, I even had Cornelia withdraw.
:'''V.V.''': Sorry to do this, especially without Charles around. 
:'''Marianne''': Is this about the ''Sword of Akasha''?
:'''V.V.''': Oh, no. This is only about Charles. Ever since he met you, Charles has been acting like a different man. It seems to me that you and he have come to enjoy learning more about one another. You realize if this continues, the contract we made will never be fulfilled. I will be left alone. From the beginning of time, it's always been the woman who led the man astray.
:'''Personal Guard''': Lady Marianne!
:'''Marianne''': I told you to stay out of here!
:''[V.V. pulls out a rifle and shoots Marianne and the guards repeatedly, killing them all.]''
:'''V.V.''': [talking on a cellphone] The job is done. Right, Begin the cover-up, maybe we can make Nunnally act to be the witness. It's imperative that this look like the work of terrorists.
:''[Anya hides behind the pillar looking at Marianne wounded]''
:'''Marianne''': Anya Alstreim, the young girl who arrived a week earlier to be schooled in etiquette. ''[Marianne uses her Geass to transfer her spirit into Anya]'' My Geass power enables me to cross over to another person's mind. The power that had been latent for so long activated for the first time as I was dying. I hid inside Anya to save myself from being killed by V.V. and when I realized when my consciousness had surfaced, I could communicate mind to mind with C.C. When she discovered the truth, C.C. left the directorship to V.V. and then disappeared.
:'''Charles''': I spoke with my brother about it. However...
:'''V.V.''': I heard; what a tragedy. I shall miss Marianne.
:'''Charles''': ''[angrily]'' My brother lied to me! After we'd sworn to create a world without deceit.
:''[Back to the present...]''
:'''Lelouch''': How dare you! Don't try to pass off blame for everything on the dead! Nunnally and I... you sent us to Japan as hostages! 
:'''Charles: IT WAS NECESSARY!!!'''
:'''Lelouch''': NECESSARY FOR WHAT?! What kind of parent does that?!
:'''C.C.''': If you have someone you don't want to lose, you should keep them at a distance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Charles''': That's right, I sent both you and your sister to Japan to escape my brother's sight. That's also why I had Marianne's body secretly taken away.
:'''Marianne''': As long as my body still exists, there's the possibility that I'll be able to return to it.
:'''Charles''': Anya and Nunnally became witnesses, therefore it was necessary to rewrite their memories in order to protect everything.
:'''Lelouch''': Nunnally?! You mean her blindness wasn't psychosomatic after all?! But&amp;mdash;
:'''Marianne''': Even though she was a false witness, there remained a very real danger she would be killed. 
:'''Charles''': To ensure Nunnally's safety, proof was needed that would lead V.V. away from the truth.
:'''Marianne''': The original plan called for only one immortal Code. However, for research to progress we had to have an additional Code. In other words, without C.C., we didn't have an 100% guarantee that it would succeed.
:'''Charles''': When Marianne was unable to persuade C.C. to help us, we were left with no choice. We were forced to use you, Lelouch.
:'''Lelouch''': What was the point of me doing this? 
:'''Charles''': These tragedies will no longer be necessary once the Ragnarok Connection is established.
:'''Marianne''': Masks will vanish, then everyone can be exactly who they're supposed to be.
:'''Lelouch''': I see, all the battle and bloodshed between Britannia and the Black Knights was to lure out C.C. Well then, it seems that from the very beginning I was merely a nuisance, just a ruckus in the world. ''[chuckles]'' And what do ''you'' two think of all this?
:''[Suzaku and C.C. approach, having arrived in C's World.]''
:'''C.C.''': Did you already know that I was going to come here, Lelouch?
:'''Lelouch''': And that you regained your memories too. It was necessary for this plan, wasn't it?
:'''Charles''': Precisely. Therefore I cannot see any sense in you coming here as well, Kururugi. 
:'''Suzaku''': I'm sure you can't. I'd heard that you're already immortal, that's why there something that I want to know for certain. Why did you make this thing? For what reason?
:'''Charles''': Why? Because it's what Nunnally and Euphie both desired: they wanted a gentler world.
:'''Lelouch''': Now I see. It's obvious.
:'''Charles''': The time is here. C.C., since we are all assembled, the plan can commence now. I will grant your wish after everything has been completed.
:''[Charles and C.C.'s Geass powers reveal the Sword of Akasha]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The'' Sword of Akasha ''is finally revealed.]''
:'''Marianne''': Behold! It's begun! The Sword of Akasha is slaying God!
:'''Charles''': Now, once our marks of Geass become one, the old world will cease and the new world will spring forth. ''[approaches Lelouch, Suzaku, and C.C.]''
:'''Suzaku''': Lelouch, what was your motivation for wanting to control the world?
:'''Lelouch''': Don't waste my time, Suzaku. You know it was for Nunnally&amp;mdash;
:'''Suzaku''': You're ''still'' using her as your excuse?
:'''Lelouch''': ...Yes, you're right. I am. I've fought to protect everything I thought I wanted to protect.
:'''Suzaku''': If you're going to achieve that end, then you need to take action.
:'''Lelouch''': Yes. The means to that end requires me to reject something. 
:'''Suzaku''': Which is...?
:'''Lelouch''': That ''I''... ''[faces the Emperor]'' I reject ''you!'' And I reject everything you believe! Why do people lie? It isn't only because they struggle against each other! It's also because there is something that they're seeking. ''[C.C. looks down.]'' You now want a world without change. How stagnant! You can hardly call it life, the same as a world of memories. Just a world that's closed and completed...that's a place I wouldn't want to live in. 
:'''Marianne''': But Lelouch, are you saying you're rejecting me as well?
:'''Lelouch''': That depends. Is your desire the same as His Majesty's, Mother?
:'''Marianne''': It will be so good to rejoin all the people from whom we've been separated. You could be reunited with those who have died, even Euphemia.
:''[Suzaku narrows his eyes, clearly pained.]''
:'''Lelouch''': As I expected. You both believe that this new world you envision would be best for all. But forcing good intentions on others is no different from an evil act.
:'''Charles''': In time, the people will come to accept it&amp;mdash;
:'''Lelouch''': ''[cutting him off]'' That time will never come! Only one thing is undeniably certain; I understand now that what you did to Nunnally and me may have been done out of good intentions. But the hard fact remains that you abandoned us in a foreign land!
:'''Marianne''': But we did that to protect you...! 
:'''Lelouch''': ''Then why didn't you stop the war between Japan and Britannia?!'' ''[Marianne stops, verbally disarmed.]'' The plan was such a priority for you both, that it didn't matter to either of you if Nunnally and I were alive or dead! That's why you abandoned us. All you have left are self-serving excuses!
:'''Marianne''': Lelouch, you're wrong!
:'''Lelouch''': You just told me! You said that the dead would rejoin the living! You don't give a damn about the future!
:'''Charles''': The future is the Ragnarök Connection! Once it's finally done, the gentler existence that Nunnally spoke of will&amp;mdash;
:'''Lelouch''': ''[again interrupting]'' '''Stop it!''' The world you're speaking of will be kinder and gentler only to ''you!'' The world that my sister wished for... is one in which kindness was extended to everyone, even strangers!
:'''Suzaku''': ''[thinking]'' He may be right. At the very least, Euphie never said that Lelouch was Zero, even to the very end. Shirley didn't either. That's why I...!
:'''Charles''': Let's say it was true: what of it? There's nothing to be done about it, the Ragnarök Connection has begun!
:'''Lelouch''': You think so? I am Zero! ''[activates his Geass]'' The man who works miracles!
:'''Charles''': Your Geass power will have no effect on me, nor will on anyone else here!
:'''Lelouch''': No! There's someone else here, isn't there?
:''[Charles gasps, realizing what he means.]''
:'''Lelouch''': That's right! C's World is the will of mankind itself! And &quot;All men are not equal&quot;; remember those words? They're your own! And because of that, I'm sure you realize that my power ''will'' work!
:'''Charles''': You're a fool, Lelouch! God cannot be defeated by the Power of the King!
:'''Lelouch''': I don't intend to defeat God! This is a request! Yes... now I know who I really am! ''God, collective unconscious!'' '''PLEASE, DON'T STOP THE MARCH OF TIME!!!'''
:'''Marianne''': ''[running toward Lelouch]'' Lelouch, you ungrateful child!
:''[Suzaku bars her path, his sword brandished.]''
:'''Suzaku''': ''Nobody'' would've wanted this! No one, and ''especially not'' Euphie!
:'''Marianne''': And I saved you so that you could talk to Euphie again&amp;mdash;!
:'''Suzaku''': Meaning you were going to force me to, right?!
:'''Charles''': ''[to Lelouch]'' You can't do this, boy! Not against God nor all of humanity itself!
:'''Lelouch''': Regardless, what I want... is '''TOMORROW!!!'''
:''[Lelouch's Geass evolves so that both of his eyes can cast the Geass, as he uses it to bring down the Thought Elevator.]''
:'''Marianne''': It can't be!
:'''Charles''': The Thought Elevator is falling! The dream that I, Marianne, and my brother all shared...
:'''C.C.''': ''[sitting down and curling up]'' Charles, just stop already. It was presumptuous to us to even attempt this.
:'''Charles''': C.C., we still bear the marks of Geass; no matter what occurs, we&amp;mdash;!
:''[Charles' body is now starting to dissolve into sparkling light.]''
:'''Lelouch''': This isn't a falsehood, father. It's reality's response.
:'''Marianne''': Darling, you... ''[stops short as her body begins to vanish as well]''
:'''Charles''': No, it's not possible! I'm supposed to be immortal! We're being absorbed?! ''Consumed by C's World?!''
:'''Marianne''': But what about C.C.? Why isn't she disappearing as well?! You supported this plan as much as we did!
:'''C.C.''': Sorry. But I finally realized: the love you have... is only for yourselves.
:'''Marianne''': No, that's not true at all. We love our children very much!
:'''Lelouch''': Do you have any idea of the meaning behind Nunnally's beautiful smile?
:'''Marianne''': The meaning...?
:'''Lelouch''': ''[Tears are in his eyes.]'' Why don't you understand? Nunnally was blinded! My own sister was crippled! She knew... she knew that there were things in this world that she would never be able to do by herself! So her smile... Nunnally's smile... was her way of expressing gratitude!
:'''Charles''': You're laboring under a delusion&amp;mdash;!
:'''Lelouch:''' ''[livid, with wide eyes]'' '''I will not let you call that a lie!''' Over my dead body! Your refusal to face reality! Content to watch us from afar! Don't make me laugh! There's only one truth here: You, my own parents &amp;mdash; '''''YOU ABANDONED US!!!'''''
:'''Charles''': '''YOU CLEVER LITTLE''' '''''FOOL!!!''''' ''[rushes forward &amp;mdash; shoving Marianne aside &amp;mdash; and grabs Lelouch's neck]''
:'''Lelouch''': ''[before Suzaku can interfere]'' Suzaku. Stay out of this.
:'''Charles''': Can't you understand that if you refuse me and what I offer, you will inherit ''his'' world, ''Schneizel's'' world! Do not judge me! Good and evil intentions are both sides of the same card! Even then, you still have&amp;mdash;!
:'''Lelouch''': ''[interrupting Charles]'' No matter what, I will always reject the world you envision. '''''BEGONE NOW!!!'''''
:''[Charles and Marianne disintegrate, screaming even after their bodies vanish, their voices echoing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[TOKYO, ONE MONTH LATER...]''
:'''Milly''': ''[broadcasting]'' It has been one month since the destruction caused by the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.'' warhead. Today His Majesty, Emperor Charles will make an important announcement to the entire nation. We will bringing you live international coverage of this from Pendragon Imperial Palace. Even though His Majesty had not made any public appearances in the past month.
''[In the throne room of the emperor]''
:'''Carine le Britannia''': Didn't somebody say that the emperor was missing?
:'''Guinevere su Britannia''': Bismarck was the one who reported that and he is gone.
:'''Odysseus eu Britannia''': As for Schneizel and the others, where are they?
:'''Guinevere''': Don't know, there's been no word from Cambodia yet.
:'''Royal Guard''': Presenting His Imperial Majesty!
''[Everyone prepares the return of Emperor Charles, but suddenly Lelouch appears]''
:'''Odysseus''': Huh?
:'''Guinevere''': But that's not...
:'''Carine''': Where's His Majesty?
''[Lelouch sits on the throne]''
:'''Milly''': What the hell?!
:'''Rivalz''': WHAT?! It can't be!
:'''Kallen''': But how...? There's no way!
:'''Lelouch''': Greetings, I'm Lelouch vi Britannia of the Royal Family, 99th Emperor of the Realm.
:'''Bismarck Waldstein''': Good Lord!
:'''Gino''': How could this be?
:'''Carine''': It's really you?!
:'''Guinevere''': You're alive?!
:'''Lelouch''': Yes, sister, I am. I've returned from the depths of hell ''intact''. 
:'''Odysseus''': Lelouch, how good to see you! When Nunnally was located, I figured that you would be found alive too. But now, aren't you carrying this joke a bit too far? That's the throne of our father...
:'''Lelouch''': Charles zi Britannia, the 98th Emperor, no longer lives, and I'm the one who took his life. ''[Everyone gasps]'' Therefore, that makes me the next emperor!
:'''Carine''': What are you saying?! Are you nuts?!
:'''Guinevere''': Guards! Take that fool and execute him! He's guilty of murdering our emperor!!!
''[The guards were about to kill Lelouch but Suzaku defeated all at once]''
:'''Kallen''': Suzaku! But why?!
:'''Lelouch''': May I introduce, Suzaku Kururugi, my knight! A knight of the realm above all others! I granted him a title the &quot;Knight of Zero&quot;!
:'''Kaguya''': Suzaku?! They're working together?!
:'''Odysseus''': Lelouch, Sir Kururugi. This just won't do, pulling a bad stunt like this on an international broadcast...
:'''Lelouch''': Do you think so? Then let me make this easy for you all to understand... ''[activates his Geass on everyone]'' '''Acknowledge me as your emperor!'''
:'''Odysseus''': Lelouch, I insist that you stop joking around like that... ''[Everyone is now under the control of his Geass]'' We hear and obey, Your Majesty!
:'''Carine and Guinevere''': All Hail Emperor Lelouch!!!
:'''Everyone''': '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' ''' ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!''' '''ALL HAIL LELOUCH!!!'''

=== ''Emperor Lelouch'' ===
:'''Reporter''': Ninety-ninth emperor Lelouch, who ascended to the throne only a few days ago, has ordered the destruction of the Imperial Mausoleum, which held the remains of past Britannian emperors. Following his abolition of the aristocracy and breaking up plutocratic cliches, and the liberation of the Numbers, Odysseus and other royals express support the new emperor despite these actions.

=== ''Schneizel's Guise'' ===

:''[Cornelia is discussing with Schneizel about the destruction of the Britannian capital city Pendragon.]''
:'''Schneizel''': Yes? What about it?
:'''Cornelia''': You mean the people of Pendragon were...
:'''Schneizel''': I made them vanish. It was better for them than a life-swearing loyalty to Lelouch, wouldn't you say?
:'''Cornelia''': They're our own people! And you told Nunnally...
:'''Schneizel''': Lies are expedient. There's no need to tell Nunnally things that would get in the way of her opposition to Lelouch is there? She'll never know the difference.
:'''Cornelia''': You use everyone...even your own sister?
:'''Schneizel''': Cornelia, what is it that people truly want? Starvation and poverty? Discrimination and corruption? War and terrorism? They want the problems that are flooding the world to go away forever. People can't understand each other under these situations at all.
:'''Cornelia''': Your theories don't justify butchering civilians!
:'''Schneizel''': Even civilians who have rejected war depend on the police, don't they? Everyone knows, don't they, that people are driven by their own desires. The lust that dwells within the soul of man cannot be denied. ''[Schneizel pushes three buttons on a panel to have a world map appear on the monitor.]'' So why win hearts and minds or tout some shining ideology, why not bring peace to the world with system and power? In ten days, ''Damocles'' will enter the airspace of the United States of China and then switch over to a secondary acceleration. After that, we're scheduled to ascend three-hundred kilometers above the surface. From there, we will hit every enemy nation with ''F.L.E.I.J.A.''s.
:'''Cornelia''': Are you insane?! We only agreed to use them against Lelouch! This will destroy the world! You're trying to control people through fear!
:'''Schneizel''': Mankind's history is war. Peace is an illusion. To turn illusion into reality is a arduous task. It requires discipline.
:'''Cornelia''': And you plan to discipline the entire human race all by yourself?! Only a god could pull that off!
:'''Schneizel''': Then I shall become a god. If that is what it takes to bring peace to the world.
:'''Cornelia''': You're deranged...''[Diethard and Kanon enter.]''
:'''Diethard''': Magnificent! I knew I was right to change sides and support you! Surpassing Zero's chaos with a state of perfect nothingness and a kaleidoscopic transformation!
:'''Kanon''': Prince Scneizel, we've made contact with the Black Knights. They say if you plan to kill Lelouch, they're willing to join immediately.
:'''Schneizel''': Thank you, Kanon. ''[At Cornelia]'' Those who've experienced Lelouch's tyranny firsthand will have no alternative but to choose the lesser of evils.
:'''Cornelia''': Is that why you stayed back and let Lelouch get away with this until now?!
:'''Schneizel''': It was a way to minimize the damage. But in the end, if we have to sacrifice one or two billion lives to achieve a state of permanent peace...
:'''Cornelia''': You're wrong! Peace obtained by force is not peace! ''[Draws her sword and charges at Schneizel. Schneizel snaps his fingers which activate a hidden machine gun which guns down Cornelia.]''
:'''Schneizel''': This is so sad, Cornelia.

=== ''The Grip of'' Damocles ===

:'''Lelouch''': Schneizel, You knew but you kept the truth from me all this time, just so you can play this card at the right moment! Still the way that you shuffled the deck was more than artful...it was remarkable, and effective.

=== ''Re; '' ===

:''[Nunnally is refusing to give Lelouch the key to launch the'' F.L.E.I.J.A.''s.]''
:'''Nunnally''': Lelouch, you have no right to seize control of the world. You of all people, who took the name Zero then bent the will of so many in order to serve your own.
:'''Lelouch''': Are you saying we would have been better off to remain in hiding? Did you want a future of living in constant fear of assassination? This was for your future too, Nunnally.
:'''Nunnally''': My future?! When did I ever say I wanted this? Lelouch, I would have been completely satisfied by just living with you!
:'''Lelouch''': Don't you see? Our reality is restricted by all sorts of things! Our whole history is struggle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]]''': You are the only one I didn't want to use it on''. [To Nunnally]'' Lelouch vi Britannia commands you: '''Hand over the ''Damocles'' Key to me NOW!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremiah''': Why, you impudent!...
:'''Anya''': Memorize recording complete.
:'''Jeremiah''': Not quite!
:''[Jeremiah has sacrificed his'' Sutherland Sieg ''to defeat Anya's'' Mordred'']''
:'''Jeremiah''': Fire!
:''[Jeremiah then self-destructs his'' Sutherland ''to damage the'' Mordred'']''
:'''Jeremiah''': Memorize THIS! Memorize Jeremiah Gottwald! Commit it to memory, because that is the memorable name of the man who has defeated you!
:'''Anya''': Memory? What memory? I remember nothing. I have no memory.
:'''Jeremiah''': ''[thinking]'' No memories? Could it be?... ''(revealing his Geass Canceler)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': Attention, entire world! Hear my proclamation! I am Lelouch vi Britannia, Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire and ''your only ruler''! Schneizel has surrendered to me. As a result of this, I am in control of both the ''Damocles'' '''and''' the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.'' weapons, and not even the Black Knights have the strength to oppose me now. If anyone dares to resist my supreme authority, they shall know the devastating powers of the ''F.L.E.I.J.A.''s! Those who could challenge my military eule no longer exist. Yes,﻿ from this day, from this moment forward, ''the world belongs to me''! Lelouch vi Britannia commands you: Obey me, subjects! '''''Obey me, world!'''''
:'''Jeremiah''': All hail Lelouch!
:'''All''': All hail Lelouch! All hail Lelouch! All hail Lelouch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': The only ones who should kill are those prepared to be killed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as he is being killed by Suzaku]''
:'''Lelouch''': The punishment for what you have done shall be this then...you will live on, always wearing that mask, serving as a knight for justice and truth.  You will no longer live your life as Suzaku Kururugi, ''(wipes his blood on Zero's mask)'' you shall sacrifice the ordinary pleasures of your life in benefit of the world for eternity. 
:'''Suzaku''': This Geass I do solemnly accept.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': Suzaku, you shall kill me as promised. Right now all the hatred on the world is concentrated upon me as planned. Then all you have to do is erase my existence...put an end to this chain of hatred. The Black knights will have the legend of Zero left behind for them. Schneizel will work for Zero. Now the world can be united at one table, not through violence and military force, but through negotiation and talk.....it can embrace the future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lelouch''': Suzaku you are going to be a hero. The messiah who saved everyone from the enemy of the world, Lelouch vi Brittania.....as Zero !! [Suzaku stabs Lelouch]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nunnally''': [''To Lelouch''] Lelouch? Are you...?
:'''Lelouch''': [''Silent and looks out forward with a sad smile on his face'']
:'''Nunnally''': [''Gasps and puts her hand on Lelouch's'']
:'''Nunnally''': [''Visualizes Lelouch and Suzaku putting the plan in action'']
:'''Nunnally''': [''Realizes''] You mean... everything you've done until now? [''Places Lelouch's hand to her cheek as tears fell from her eyes''] Oh, big brother! I love you!
:'''Lelouch''': Yes... I... I destroy... the world... and create it... anew. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kallen''': Hey, Lelouch. The world has become a much better place since that eventful day. All the energy that was put to war is now being redirected towards poverty and hunger. All the world's evil and hatred has been thrown upon you... Maybe it was easier for the people to recognize the name of one man, instead of a system known as the ''Damocles''. Sounds too good to be true, eh? That's also the reason why people are not imprisoned by the past and can move towards the future... Even now you may be laughing and telling me, &quot;it was all according to your plan&quot;. Of course we still have problems... But even so...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last words of the series]''
:'''C.C.''': I said that the Geass is the power of the king which would condemn you to a life of solitude. I think that's not quite correct. Right, Lelouch?

== Cast ==
* [[w:Lelouch Lamperouge|Lelouch Lamperouge]] - [[w:Jun Fukuyama|Jun Fukuyama]] (Japanese), [[w:Johnny Yong Bosch|Johnny Yong Bosch]] (English)
* [[w:Suzaku Kururugi|Suzaku Kururugi]] - [[w:Takahiro Sakurai|Takahiro Sakurai]] (Japanese), [[w:Yuri Lowenthal|Yuri Lowenthal]] (English)
* [[w:C.C. (Code Geass)|C.C.]] - [[w:Yukana|Yukana]] (Japanese), [[w:Kate Higgins|Kate Higgins]] (English)
* [[w:Nunnally Lamperouge|Nunnally Lamperouge]] - [[w:Kaori Nazuka|Kaori Nazuka]] (Japanese), [[w:Rebecca Forstadt|Rebecca Forstadt]] (English)
* [[w:Kallen Stadtfeld|Kallen Stadtfeld / Kallen Kōzuki]] - [[w:Ami Koshimizu|Ami Koshimizu]] (Japanese), [[w:Karen Strassman|Karen Strassman]] (English)
* [[w:Rolo Lamperouge|Rolo Lamperouge]] - [[w:Takahiro Mizushima|Takahiro Mizushima]] (Japanese), [[w:Spike Spencer|Spike Spencer]] (English)
* [[w:Schneizel el Britannia|Schneizel el Britannia]] - [[w:Norihiro Inoue|Norihiro Inoue]] (Japanese), [[w:Troy Baker|Troy Baker]] (English)
* [[w:Li Xingke|Li Xingke]] - [[w:Hikaru Midorikawa|Hikaru Midorikawa]] (Japanese), [[w:David Earnest|David Earnest]] (English)
* [[w:Jeremiah Gottwald|Jeremiah Gottwald]] - [[w:Ken Narita|Ken Narita]] (Japanese), [[w:Crispin Freeman|Crispin Freeman]] (English)

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://code-geass.bandai-ent.com/ Bandai Entertainment's official ''Code Geass'' website]
* [http://code-geassr2.bandai-ent.com/ Bandai Entertainment's Official ''Code Geass R2'' website]
* [http://www.adultswim.com/shows/codegeass/ Adult Swim's official ''Code Geass'' anime website]
* [http://www.adultswim.com/video/index.html Adult Swim Video]


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    <title>Gotse Delchev</title>
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      <text bytes="1371" xml:space="preserve">[[File:G Delchev.jpg|thumb|Let us not allow the splits and splintering to [[frighten]] us.]]

'''[[w:Goce Delčev|Georgi Nikolov Delčev]]''' ([[w:Macedonian Language|Macedonian]]/[[w:Bulgarian language|Bulgarian]]: Ѓорѓи/Георги Николов Делчев) ([[w:23 January|23 January]] [[w:1872|1872]] – [[w:4 May|4 May]] [[w:1903|1903]]), known as '''Gotse Delchev''' or '''Goce Delčev''', was a significant [[w:Macedonian Bulgarians|Macedonian Bulgarian]] revolutionary in [[w:Macedonia (region)|Macedonia]] and [[w:Thrace|Thrace]].

{{political-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* I understand the [[world]] solely as a field for cultural competition among the peoples.
** Quoted in [[w:Peyo Yavorov|Peyo Yavorov]], ''Complete Works,'' vol. 2 (Sofia, 1977), p. 13

* '''Let us not allow the splits and splintering to frighten us.''' It is, indeed, a pity, but what can we do, since we are all Bulgarians and all suffer from one common disease. If this disease had not been present in our ancestors, from whom we inherited it, they would have never fallen under the sceptre of the Turkish Sultan...
** Letter to Nikola Maleševski (1 May 1899)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}

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      <minor />
      <comment>Slight correction.</comment>
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      <text bytes="1367" xml:space="preserve">[[File:G Delchev.jpg|thumb|Let us not allow the splits and splintering to [[frighten]] us.]]

'''[[w:Goce Delčev|Georgi Nikolov Delčev]]''' ([[w:Macedonian Language|Macedonian]]/[[w:Bulgarian language|Bulgarian]]: Ѓорѓи/Георги Николов Делчев) ([[w:23 January|23 January]] [[w:1872|1872]] – [[w:4 May|4 May]] [[w:1903|1903]]), known as '''Gotse Delchev''' or '''Goce Delčev''', was a significant [[w:Macedonian Bulgarians|Macedonian Bulgarian]] revolutionary in [[w:Macedonia (region)|Macedonia]] and [[w:Thrace|Thrace]].

{{political-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* I understand the [[world]] solely as a field for cultural competition among the peoples.
** Quoted in [[w:Peyo Yavorov|Peyo Yavorov]], ''Complete Works,'' vol. 2 (Sofia, 1977), p. 13

* '''Let us not allow the splits and splintering to frighten us.''' It is, indeed, a pity, but what can we do, since we are Bulgarians and all suffer from one common disease. If this disease had not been present in our ancestors, from whom we inherited it, they would have never fallen under the sceptre of the Turkish Sultan...
** Letter to Nikola Maleševski (1 May 1899)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Delcev, Gotse}}
[[Category:People from Bulgaria]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:Educators]]
[[Category:1872 births]]
[[Category:1903 deaths]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Las Vegas</title>
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      <text bytes="6394" xml:space="preserve">[[File:WelcomeToVegasNite.JPG|thumb|Las Vegas' iconic sign]]
[[File:View of the Strip at night.JPG|thumb|The [[w:Las Vegas Strip|Las Vegas Strip]] at night]]
[[File:Las Vegas strip.jpg|thumb|The [[w:Las Vegas Strip|Las Vegas Strip]] by day]]
'''[[w:Las Vegas, Nevada|Las Vegas]]''' (Spanish for The Meadows) is the most populous city in the U.S. state of Nevada, the seat of [[w:Clark County, Nevada|Clark County]], and an internationally renowned major resort city for gambling, shopping, and entertainment. Las Vegas, billed as [[w:The Entertainment Capital of the World|The Entertainment Capital of the World]], is famous for the number of casino resorts and associated entertainment.

== Quotes ==

* The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt [[w:Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom and Gomorrah]]. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to and shits all over it.
** [[Lewis Black]], ''The White Album'' (2000).

* Las Vegas is Everyman’s cut-rate Babylon. Not far away there is, or was, a roadside lunch counter and over it a sign proclaiming in three words that a Roman emperor’s orgy is now a democratic institution…. “Topless Pizza Lunch.”
** [[Alistair Cooke]], ''America'' (1973).

* Las Vegas is a three-ring circus with a hangover.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Friday (novel)|Friday]]'' (1982), {{ISBN|0-345-30988-X}}, p. 260

* Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
** Major T.J. “King” Kong (Slim Pickens), ''[[Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb]]'', discussing the contents of the survival kit issued to GIs (1964). Written by [[Stanley Kubrick]].

* Las Vegas is in front of them and then all around them and everything is lit up like they’re inside a pinball game. All of the trees look fake. Like someone read too much Dr. Seuss and got ideas. People are walking up and down the sidewalks. Some of them look normal. Others look like they just escaped from a fancy-dress ball at a lunatic asylum. Jeremy hopes they’ve just won lots of money and that’s why they look so startled, so strange. Or made they’re all vampires.
** [[w:Kelly Link|Kelly Link]], ''Magic for Beginners'' (2005), reprinted in [[w:Paula Guran|Paula Guran]] (ed.), ''Ex Libris: Stories of Librarians, Libraries &amp; Lore'' (pp. 202-203)

* The kinda city I could run with, Las Vegas na-vi-dad, I love it!
** [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gI9I7GXdA4&amp;feature=youtu.be &quot;Jump on It&quot;] (1996), ''Return of the Bumpasaurus'', Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Regent Music Corporation

* Saturday midnight...Memories of this night are extremely hazy. All I have, for guide-pegs, is a pocketful of keno cards and cocktail napkins, all covered with scribbled notes. Here is one: &quot;Get the Ford man, demand a Bronco for race-observation purposes...photos?...Lacerda/call...why not a helicopter?...Get on the phone, lean on the fuckers...heaving yelling.&quot; Another says: &quot;Sign on Paradise Boulevard-'Stopless and Topless'...bush-league sex compared to L.A.; pasties here-total naked public humping in L.A....Las Vegas is a society of armed masturbator/gambling is the kicker here/sex is extra/weird trip for high rollers...house-whores for winners, hand jobs for the bad luck crowd&quot;
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], ''[[Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (novel)|Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas]]'', Part I, 6 (1971).

* Sympathy?&lt;br&gt;Not for me. No mercy for a criminal freak in Las Vegas. This place is like the army: the shark ethic prevails-eat the wounded. In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], ''[[Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (novel)|Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas]]'', Part I, 9 (1971).

* Each city is an archetype rather than a prototype, an exaggerated example from which to derive lessons for the typical. Each city vividly superimposes elements of a supranational scale on the local fabric: churches in the religious capital, casinos in the entertainment capital. These cause violent juxtapositions of use and scale in both cities. Rome’s churches, off streets and piazzas, are open to the public; the pilgrim, religious or architectural, can walk from church to church. The gambler or architect in Las Vegas can similarly take in a variety of casinos along the Strip. The casinos and lobbies of Las Vegas are ornamental and monumental and open to the promenading public.
** [[w:Robert Venturi|Robert Venturi]], “From Rome to Las Vegas,” ''Learning from Las Vegas'', rev. edition, MIT Press (1977).

* Las Vegas has become, just as Bugsy Siegel dreamed, the American Monte Carlo—without any of the inevitable upper-class baggage of the Riviera casinos. At Monte Carlo there is still the plush mustiness of the nineteenth century noble lions.... There are still Wrong Forks, Deficient Accents, Poor Tailoring, Gauche Displays, Nouveau Richness, Cultural Aridity—concepts unknown in Las Vegas. For the grand debut of Monte Carlo as a resort in 1879 the architect Charles Garnier designed an opera house for the Place du Casino; and Sarah Bernhardt read a symbolic poem. For the debut of Las Vegas as a resort in 1946 Bugsy Siegel hired Abbot and Costello, and there, in a way, you have it all.
** [[Tom Wolfe]], ''[[w:Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby|Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby]]'', &quot;Farrar&quot; (1965).

* Las Vegas is the only town in the world whose skyline is made up neither of buildings, like [[w:New York City|New York]], nor of trees, like [[w:Wilbraham, Massachusetts|Wilbraham]], but signs.
** [[Tom Wolfe]], ''[[w:Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby|Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby]]'', &quot;Las Vegas (What?)&quot; (1965).

* Just think, I had seen the [[Bellagio (hotel and casino)|Bellagio Hotel]] in Las Vegas before the real one! We Americans have the myth of [[Bellagio]]. The reality then far exceeds the replica. It's magic.
** [[Justine Mattera]]


== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Las Vegas, Nevada}}
{{Wikivoyage}}

[[Category:Cities in the United States]]</text>
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    <title>Kitchen Nightmares</title>
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      <text bytes="174051" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Kitchen Nightmares|Kitchen Nightmares]]''''' is a reality TV series on [[w:FOX|FOX]] where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] visits failing restaurants across America and tries to help them turn around. It aired its first episode on September 19, 2007.

:'' ''Kitchen Nightmares'' and all related episodes and quotes are a copyright of A. Smith &amp; Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the ''Wikimedia Foundation'' do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with A. Smith &amp; Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.''

== Season 1 ==

=== Peter's [1.01] ===
''[Showing Peter and the others the walk-in]''
:'''Gordon: ''' When was the last time you went inside the walk-in fridge?
:'''Peter: ''' I had a hot flash last week.
:'''Gordon: ''' A hot flash?! What does that mean?
:'''Peter: ''' I mean, I was like, hot and I walked in here for a second.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''John: ''' Peter's like one of those guys who eats out a lot, so he &lt;i&gt;assumes&lt;/i&gt; he knows about cooking in restaurants. He has no clue about the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[In the middle of the lunch rush]''
:'''Peter: ''' Can someone get me Tina, please? I need orange juice.
:'''Gordon: ''' You want Tina to stop now and get you a glass of orange juice?!
:'''Peter: '''  Don't I have anybody that can get me orange juice?
:'''Gordon: ''' Peter. Look at me. Fuck yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Day four, 5:30pm, thirty minutes before relaunch.]''
:'''Narrator''': With the doors about to open, Gordon gathers the staff for a quick chat.
:'''Gordon''': Right, tonight is a critical, crucial night.
:''[A bill collector appears on the doorstep.]''
:'''Gordon''': Are you with us? Or are you...
:'''Bill collector''': No, I'm just waiting for him (Peter).
:'''Gordon''': Okay, but we're really busy right now.
:'''Narrator''': Once again, Peter's has a bill collector on its doorstep.
:'''Gordon''': (to bill collector) You are interfering, that's what I'm saying. Now get out of the way. Would you mind...
:'''Bill collector''': I'm interfering? You got to wait two minutes. I got to talk.
:'''Gordon''': Get out of the way.
:'''Bill collector''': What?
:'''Gordon''': Why don't you get out of the way so we can go on?
:'''Bill collector''': You get out of the way. Don't worry about it, I'm talking to him.
:'''Gordon''': Why don't you go -- no, get out of the way.
:'''Bill collector''': (points to Peter) I want to talk to you.
:'''Gordon''': I'm saying: Get away.
:'''Peter''': (to bill collector) Hey, who are you talking to? (begins to take off suit jacket)
:'''Bill collector''': I'm talking to you!
:'''Gordon''': (tries to hold Peter back) God almighty! Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax!
:'''Peter''': (unintelligible, overlapping, drops his jacket)
:'''Bill collector''': (unintelligible, overlapping)
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no! Relax, relax, relax, relax!
:'''Bill collector''': (unintelligible)
:'''Peter''': (gets in bill collector's face) Fuck off! Get the fuck out of here! Who the fuck are you?!
:'''Gordon''': (still trying to restrain Peter) Relax! Relax! Dear, oh dear!
:'''Peter''': Who the fuck are you?! Fucking tough guy?!
:'''Gordon''': (turns away for a second) Christ almighty...
:'''Peter''': (unintelligible, chases bill collector outside)
:'''Gordon''': (notices what just happened) Oh, shit... 
''[Outside, Peter and the bill collector's argument continues.]''
:'''Peter''': (trying to instigate a fight) Yeah, tough guy! Come on!
''[The bill collector tries to walk away]''
:'''Peter''': (being restrained by Robert and John) You fake little gangster! Come on! You fake little gangster! I'll hurt you, scumbag! YEAH, TOUGH GUY!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
:'''John''': Stop!
:'''Peter''': (watching the bill collector walk toward his car) COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON! COME ON, YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?! COME ON, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL!! '''YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!!''' '''YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!'''
:'''Gordon''': Come out of the way, come out of the way.
:'''Peter''': '''FUCK THIS GUY!!!''' '''FUCK THIS GUY!!''' COME ON, YOU FAKE FUCKING GANGSTER!! YOU FUCKING BLOWJOB!! '''YOU'RE A FUCKING BLOWJOB!!!'''
:'''Peter's father''': Peter, you're embarrassing me.
:'''Peter''': Fuck this guy!!
:'''John''': Peter, Peter, relax.
:'''Gordon''': Relax, relax.
:'''Peter''': Who the fuck is he to come in my fucking place?!?
:'''Gordon''': Relax, relax, relax.
:'''Peter''': (still raging at the now-departing bill collector) Have my fucking cock, you scumbag! Yeah, tough guy! (gets right next to his car and knocks on the window) Right now! Right now! (bill collector drives away anyway)

=== Dillon's [1.02] ===

:''(Day two, 11:55 a.m. - kitchen inspection)''
:'''Narrator''': Having discovered the terrible conditions in the kitchen, Gordon now ventures down to the basement to check out what's lurking below.
:'''Gordon''': What's that smell?
:''(Gordon finds a rat trap.)''
:'''Gordon''': What?!! (to Mohammad) What is that? Is that for rats or mice?
:'''Mohammad''': This is food for to catch a rat.
:'''Gordon''': So we ''have'' got rats here.
:'''Mohammad''': Rat is all over the place.
:''(Gordon moves aside a refrigeration unit, then notices droppings underneath the unit.)''
:'''Gordon''': That's rat droppings. Look at them all, everywhere.
:'''Mohammad''': Rats.
:'''Gordon''': Rats. Oh my good God.
:''(Gordon notices some cockroaches.)''
:'''Gordon''': Look at the cockroaches.
:''(Gordon opens a cardboard box.)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God, look. I've got one in my fucking hair, that's cockroaches. The box is full of them.
:''(Gordon opens another cardboard box.)''
:'''Gordon''': Look, look at them all.
:''(Gordon opens the refrigeration unit.)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God, look. There they are, there in the refrigeration. Oh fucking hell. Oh my God. Oh no. LOOK AT THAT! Oh my God, look at it. (to Mohammad) There you go, there you go.
:'''Mohammad''': (interview) I was shocked. It's like a nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finds half a tomato) When's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. What is that --where is it-- hey madam, where's that tomato gone?
:''(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)''
:'''Gordon''': (digging through the slugs in the tomato) Look! It's fucking rotten, you fucking idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of '''''tomato'''''?!!
:'''Server''': No, no, no.
:'''Gordon''': So where is it?!!
:'''Andrew''': (interview) Oh my god.
:''(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)''
:'''Martin''': (interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No-one is getting served from this fucking restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No, good.
:'''Martin''': (interview) That didn't go down too well. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.
:'''Gordon''': We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!
:'''Andrew''': (interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.
:'''Gordon''': (who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO FUCKING FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO FUCKING RANCID POTATOES!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': This place can be phenomenal. The location is extraordinary. This is a new start. You have to treat it as a new beginning.
:'''Mohammad''': Exactly. Of course.
:'''Gordon''': I mean, in a perfect world, I would sacrifice one your managers to employ [[w:Vikas Khanna|Vikas (Khanna)]]. You cannot carry driftwood in your business. Out of the three managers (flashes to Martin, Khan, and Andrew), one has to go. (Martin glares at Gordon) Between you and I, Martin has an amazing way of manipulating you. And he is not worth his weight in terms of what he brings to the table.
:'''Martin''': (interview) Hearing Gordon Ramsay say that to Mohammad, that makes me upset and angry. The frustration just boiled over. (approaches Mohammad) Tonight, tonight, Mohammad, I've never used you. I've respected you. I'm proud of what we've done. I've never cheated you. And I take --
:'''Gordon''': What's going on?
:'''Martin''': You're asking... for a manager to leave.
:'''Gordon''': Come on.
:'''Martin''': I've had enough! Because, you have been insulting me? You've accused me of riding on his back!
:'''Gordon''': Did you hear what I just said to him?
:'''Mohammad''': Martin?
:'''Gordon''': So... (to Mohammad) Let him go. Go on. Get it out. Get it off your chest.
:'''Martin''': No, that you...
:'''Gordon''': For the first time since I met you, show me that you're a man.
:'''Martin''': First, you accused me of riding on this man's...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you pointing like that?
:'''Martin''': Because I'm angry, okay? You want to see passion? I'm giving you passion. This person (Muhammad), I've respected. And you have the audacity to accuse of, like, taking his money...
:'''Gordon''': ...riding off his back?
:'''Gordon''': Riding off his back, is what you said. Well, that is disgusting. You don't have the right. You don't know that.
:'''Mohammad''': What about...
:'''Martin''': I have nothing to be guilty of.
:'''Gordon''': You ''what''?
:'''Martin''': ''Nothing!''
:'''Gordon''': You sat in it. (flashback) IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! (Martin simply looks at) (to Martin) Yeah, you ran it. You sat in it. 
:'''Martin''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You ''wasted'' it.
:'''Martin''': Yes. I wasted it?
:'''Gordon''': You encouraged it.
:'''Martin''': It was always like, it spiraled...
:'''Gordon''': You let it go to shit.
:'''Martin''': It spiraled out of control. And I asked you to come on board. 
:'''Gordon''': You're feeling guilty. I'm glad.
:'''Martin''': NOT GUILTY!
:'''Gordon''': You're guilty.
:'''Martin''': Mohammad, I'm... NOT GUILTY! I'm not going to take this put-down anymore. I have nothing to be guilty of. Listen, this is my last night.
:'''Gordon''': Who said this was your last night? I'm curious.
:'''Martin''': Yes, this is my last light. This ''is'' my last, tonight!
:'''Gordon''': Please tell the owner, not me.
:'''Martin''': (to Muhammad) This is my last night. I'm out of here. I quit! (walks out)
:'''Gordon''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Mohammad''': (interview) When Martin left, actually, I was shocked. I didn't expect he's going to go dead there.
:'''Martin''': (interview) I think Gordon Ramsay is full of shit. And I'm extremely angry and extremely pissed off. And now, I turn my back and walk away.

=== The Mixing Bowl [1.03] ===

:''[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]''
:'''Lisa''': (interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!
:'''Lisa''': How is that missed? How is that overlooked?
:'''Mike''': Someone-- the Dragons just...
:'''Lisa''': Mike, that's what I'm saying.
:'''Mike''': I'm not sure what transpired.
:'''Lisa''': (interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!
:'''Gordon''': My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrassing.
:'''Lisa''': You're overlooking extremely important things!
:'''Mike''': I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...
:'''Lisa''': Well, why do you keep saying that?
:'''Mike''': (losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!
:'''Lisa''': Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!
:'''Mike''': I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

=== Seascape Inn [1.04] ===
:'''Gordon''': (after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a ''crap'' cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Twice baked potato. Thank fuck I missed that one twice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding frozen ravioli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravioli. Fresh? My fuckin' ass. I've eaten this shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding pesto) Oh, fucking hell. So that's the pesto I had for lunch. Just look at the colours in there. Look at that, it's mouldy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': This is ten thousand times worse than I thought it would be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Peter) This is not a time - hey - to laugh and take a fucking piss out of me. I've eaten this shit. What's going on, Peter?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Peter) You've got the nerves to tell me you clean the walls every fucking Tuesday? Touch — fuck off, will you - TOUCH THE WALL! You dirty pig! (to the others) This is ''disgusting''! I'm closing it down. (to Peter) How many has booked?
:'''Peter''': About twenty.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty - forget it. Get the place steam-cleaned from fucking head to tail. I don't care, but we're not cooking a fucking cookie out of here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a fucking embarrassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the fucking place.

=== The Olde Stone Mill [1.05] ===
''[Gordon's chopped salad has been molded into a funnel]''
:'''Gordon:''' Look at that. What's that squashed into? Looks like it's been squashed into an ice cream cone. ''[The waiter hands him the funnel]'' ... Ah, right, that's his on top. Was the chef a mechanic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dean:''' I was pissed. Real pissed. I wanted to take the plate and smash it on top of the Chef's head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' What's this crap here with calamari in a martini glass?
:'''Tom:''' We're just trying to do presentation because the dishes we have suck.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Suck&quot;?  I can't believe you'd be so fucking polite.

=== Sebastian's [1.06] ===

:'''Sebastian''': Okay, my pizzas will soon be in supermarkets.
:'''Gordon''': ''What?!''
:'''Sebastian''': I would love to franchise this, and have a &quot;Sebastian's&quot; all over the world.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my god...
:'''Sebastian''': Just think how that sounds. &quot;Sebastian's&quot; all over the world. That makes me excited.
:'''Gordon''': You haven't got fucking one right so far! How the fuck can you think about two? I need some fresh air, the guy's gone!
:''(Sebastian laughs. Cut to Gordon standing in the street outside the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon''': This guy is seriously off his fucking trolley!
:'''Sebastian''': (to the kitchen staff) I just won that one. I won that one.
:'''Gordon''': What on earth is going on in his fucked-up, delusional mind?
:'''Sebastian''': Whoo! I won that one!
:'''Joy''': What happened?
:'''Sebastian''': He was giving me shit. I gave it back to him, and he was like, &quot;Uh, yeah whatever,&quot; and-
:'''Gordon''': (walks back into the restaurant) Sebastian! I just want a little word.
:''[Gordon goes into Sebastian's office, and Sebastian follows him]''
:'''Gordon''': Listen, big boy. Right now, you've won jack-fucking-shit! You've got the audacity to stand there, talking to me about a franchise, when we can't even get a pizza right?
:'''Sebastian''': (interview) It took everything in me not to just, freak out. (to Gordon) I've been here two years. It may not seem like-
:'''Gordon''': What have you got to show?
:'''Sebastian''': What have I got to show? I'll tell you what I've got to show. Pride! Pride!
:'''Gordon''': You're delusional! You are so-
:'''Sebastian''': That's your opinion, sir. A lot of people feel that way about you!
:'''Gordon''': (points at the dining room) What's successful about out there?
:'''Sebastian''': I'm still here.
:'''Gordon''': That's what makes it successful? You've just answered my question. I'll see you later.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gordon''': (on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' When I first arrived here, we got off to a shaky start. Then we kept our heads down and we got through it together.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' And we made some really exciting changes. The menu's changed, the staff have changed.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Mate, there's one thing that hasn't changed in this establishment, and that's you Sebastian. I'm 40 years old, and I have gone a lot of restaurants, but I've never...ever...ever...''ever'' met someone I believe in as little as you. I think you will go back to your sloppy, shortcut, 5-out-of-10 frozen ways. Good luck. (Sebastian walks back inside) Unbelievable.
:'''Sebastian:''' Un-fuckin'-believable.
:'''Gordon:''' Fuckin' useless.
:'''Sebastian:''' You fuckin' kidding me? Fuckin' kiddin' me right now?! (pacing back and forth) This is MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my God...
:'''Sebastian:''' THIS IS ''MY'' FUCKIN' LIFE!
:'''Andre:''' (interview) Honestly, I haven't seen Sebastian this emotional.
:'''Lou-Bertha:''' (interview) Sebastian just got ''real'' loud. He just changed like Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
:'''Sebastian:''' (walks toward the back door) ''ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?''
:'''Gordon:''' That's pissed on his bonfire.
:'''Sebastian:''' (leaving the restaurant) Fuckin' arrogant! Fuck that motherfucker! (to the production team) We're done! Get the fuckin' camera outta here! (approaches back entrance) Chef Gordon! (breaks the door open) Chef Gordon. Where the fuck are ya? Where are you?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm here.
:'''Sebastian:''' You come into my restaurant?
:'''Gordon:''' Yes.
:'''Sebastian:''' I'm just so fucking disappointed.
:'''Gordon:''' Wait. Don't shout at me. You're going to calm down?
:'''Sebastian:''' Stop pointing your finger at me.
:'''Gordon:''' Are you going to calm down?
:'''Sebastian:''' Are we going to speak like men? You're going to speak to me like a man?
:'''Gordon:''' You didn't listen to what I've told you.
:'''Sebastian:''' You didn't listen to what I'm saying.
:'''Gordon:''' Did you hear what I've just told you?
:'''Sebastian:''' I'm stepping away from you, because I don't want to be too close.
:'''Gordon:''' You ungrateful...
:'''Sebastian:''' You have no idea!
:'''Gordon:''' Nasty, vindictive...
:'''Sebastian:''' You have no fucking idea!
:'''Gordon:''' Joker!
:'''Sebastian:''' Well, fuck you! (walks away)
:'''Gordon:''' That's it, is it? (follows Sebastian)
:'''Sebastian:''' Yeah, it is it! You're very disappointing!
:'''Gordon:''' That was your second fucking shit performance tonight!
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Your whole act is a fuckin' joke!
:'''Gordon:''' Anything else?
:'''Sebastian:''' Your whole act is a fuckin' joke! You're a phony!
:'''Gordon:''' You shouldn't run like that.
:'''Sebastian:''' Run like what?
:'''Gordon:''' Am I supposed to be scared now, Sebastian?
:'''Sebastian:''' (shakes his fist) Come on, give me a break. I'm busting my ass in there. You tell me...
:'''Gordon:''' You what?!
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you kidding me? 
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you...
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you kidding me?!
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something...
:'''Sebastian:''' You're telling me nothing! I'm done! I'm done!
:'''Gordon:''' There you go.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yes. LOSER! (walks away) And I'm telling you one last time: you're a fuckin' dickhead!

=== Finn McCool's [1.07] ===
:'''Narrator''': After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.
:''[Francis drops a chicken wing on the floor while tossing it in the sauce and he picks up and throws it in the fryer]''
:'''Gordon''': Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.
:'''Francis''': Yeah, well the fryer is going to...is going to...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.
:'''Gordon''': But it fell on the floor.
:'''Francis''': Correct.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in the fryer.
:'''Francis''': Right into the fryer.
:'''Gordon''': And it cleans it.
:'''Francis''': It cleans it. It sterilizes it.
:'''Gordon''': Sterilises it?
:'''Francis''': Yeah, well...
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me! &quot;Sterilised it&quot;?
:''[the wings are now being eaten at a table]''
:'''Buddy''': What happened with that order?
:'''Francis''': I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.
:''[Buddy's eyes open wide in horror]''
:'''Brian''': (interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.
:'''Buddy''': What the fuck were you thinking?!
:'''Gordon''': (outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh, my God, no!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Melissa''': (watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.
:'''Brian''': I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.
:'''Gordon''': (waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.
:'''Melissa''': (arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?
:'''Melissa''': (hesitantly) People... really like them.
:'''Gordon''': No doubt half the customers are drunk.
:'''Buddy''': This is a tough half-hour of my life.
:'''Melissa''': (to Brian) Not a big hit.
:'''Brian''': He didn't like it?
:'''Melissa''': Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, &quot;Nope.&quot;
:'''Brian''': Are you kidding me? 
:'''Melissa''': He really expected me to be like, &quot;He loved it!&quot; You know, &quot;He wants you to come work for him!&quot;
:'''Brian''': Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.
:'''Melissa''': (serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?
:'''Melissa''': On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.
:'''Gordon''': A little? Thank you.
:'''Melissa''': You're welcome. (leaves)
:'''Gordon''': Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.
:'''Melissa''': (returning) All through?
:'''Gordon''': Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?
:'''Melissa''': No.
:'''Gordon''': (sarcastically) Good. Lovely.
:'''Buddy''': I don't even think he likes the water.
:'''Melissa''': (to Brian) He asked me, &quot;Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?&quot; and I told him, &quot;No, I assure you it will not.&quot;
:'''Brian''': Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.
:''[We see a tray of shepherd's pie filling, topped with a pool of fat.]''
:'''Brian''': Let's try that one.
:'''Melissa''': (serves the pie) Enjoy.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you.
:'''Melissa''': You're welcome. (leaves)
:'''Gordon''': (digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting. 
:''[Gordon gets up and leaves the table]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Buddy) The toilet?
:'''Buddy''': Second door on the left.
:''[Gordon walks toward the bathroom. A moment later, he is heard vomiting.]''
:'''Buddy''': Oh, no...

=== Lela's [1.08] ===

:''[Gordon brings Buzzard (Daniel) back to Lela's after Buzzard stole leftover wine and food.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[shows Lela the stolen food]'' This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.
:'''Buzzard''': I know where that came from.
:'''Gordon''': Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially fucking screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.
:'''Lex''': (interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.
:'''Buzzard''': Now, listen. I'm not going to stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (walks out)
:'''Gordon''': This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable. 
:'''Lela''': (interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Buzzard comes to work next morning]''
:'''Lela:''' (interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.
:'''Gordon:''' Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premise.
:'''Tabitha:''' (interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.
:'''Gordon:''' I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, they all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.
:'''Lela:''' Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.
:'''Tabitha:''' (interview) Buzzard ain't going to be back here. He ain't going to be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

=== Campania's [1.09] ===

:'''Joe''': If people start bitchin', the meatballs are gonna come out of the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[One customer was unhappy with the food and would not be mollified. Shockingly, a less-than-sober but satisfied customer comes to the defense of Campania.]''
:'''Drunk Customer''': If it was that bad, then why'd you keep eating? Why did you keep eating if it was that bad?
:'''Angry Customer''': What's her problem?
:'''Drunk''': 'Cause youse a fucking liar! You just want everything for free, you greedy fucking bitch!
:'''Angry''': Oh my God in heaven! You people are mental!
:'''Drunk''': Go have another bottle of wine, you fucking alcoholic bitch. Have another bottle of wine, you fucking lowlife!
:'''Angry''': Who &lt;i&gt;is&lt;/i&gt; that person?!

=== The Secret Garden [1.10] ===

:''[Day two, 8:45 a.m. - kitchen inspection]''
:'''Gordon''': Jesus.
:''[Finds a chocolate terrine/marquis.]''
:'''Gordon''': Ohh, fuck.
:''[Finds a rotten banana.]''
:'''Gordon''': My goodness me.
:''[Sees mold.]''
:'''Gordon''': Mould everywhere.
:''[Finds some broccoli.]''
:'''Gordon''': The food's been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get mouldy.
:''[Finds some more mold.]''
:'''Gordon''': Look, just here. It's like mould caked on. This place hasn't been cleaned for years. Look, it's real mould.
:''[Finds a bottle that has become moldy.]''
:'''Gordon''': It's been in that long, even the bottle's mouldy. This place is a health hazard. Mould is festering, so, potentially dangerous in terms of poisoning someone. This place can't stay open. The place is disgusting.
:''[Finds some potatoes that have been infested with maggots.]''
:'''Gordon''': Maggots. Infested with maggots. Oh, God!
:''[Gordon rushes to a nearby restroom to vomit.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Devon''': (interview) It was good for him ''(Michel)'' to be humbled. Michel was of an opinion that &quot;Hey, if I want to serve dog shit on a plate and the customer doesn't like it, too bad.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, this guy ''(Michel)'' is fucking unbelieveable. You know, that's one thing being that bad, that's solvable, but being in complete denial throughout is extraordinary. I've never met such a fucking hard-arse stubborn motherfucker in all my life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Day three, 8:27 a.m. - closed for business]''
:'''Narrator''': Day three. Gordon is determined to get through to this stubborn chef with help from a little shock therapy.
:''[Signs read &quot;Closed for business&quot;, &quot;Foreclosed by bank&quot;, &quot;Closed&quot;, and &quot;Do not enter&quot;.]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, a new day, and I'm determined that this guy is going to finally start listening to what I'm trying to say. So this morning, I've shut the place down, I've bought it up and I'll make him understand that if doesn't start changing and listening to what I'm trying to say, that's the end result.
:''[Referring to the &quot;Closed for business&quot; sign.]''
:'''Gordon''': And that's the end result that no restaurant wants to see.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[taking off his jacket]'' Fucking hell.
:'''Narrator''': With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways, and Gordon has reached his breaking point.
:'''Michel''': Thank you very much, I think it's great--
:'''Gordon''': Cut the bullfuck. You don't care anymore, do you? Just get straight to the fucking answer.
:'''Michel''': No, I'm not cutting no bullfuck. I'm just telling it like it is.
:'''Gordon''': Get straight to the fucking answer.
:'''Michel''': Okay? Alright? 
:'''Gordon''': Okay.
:'''Michel''': Alright, good. Your menu is not better than mine. You know?
:'''Gordon''': You're a donkey!
:'''Michel''': My food has been voted Best Chef in Ventura County.
:'''Gordon''': '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Michel''': Yeah, listen--
:'''Gordon''': Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your fucking hands up here, listen to me. '''You run a shit-hole of a kitchen! Fuck yourself!!''' Okay?!
:'''Michel''': No! No! No!
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TURN AROUND AND TELL ME, WHEN YOU WORK LIKE A PIG? '''''YOU FRENCH PIG!!!'''''
:'''Michel''': Yeah, you know what...
:'''Gordon''': You lazy pig! You're so full of shit! Open your eyes and have a look around!
:'''Michel''': Big words, big mouth! Big mouth! You're not happy?
:'''Gordon''': '''I'm ''FUCKING'' happy!'''
:'''Michel''': You can get out! You can get out!
:'''Gordon''': Go on! ''[gives Michel the inverted V sign]'' Fuck yourself!
:'''Michel''': You can get out! It's my fucking kitchen!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, is it? Well, if it's your FUCKING KITCHEN, THEN CLEAN IT, YOU LAZY CUNT!
:'''Michel''': No!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[walking out of the building after arguing with Michel]'' I've got to get some air before I do something I really regret.

== Season 2 ==

=== Kitchen Nightmares Revisited: Gordon Returns ===

:''[Revisiting Finn McCool's]''
:'''Gordon:''' How have you been?
:'''Buddy:''' Eh, I had a little glitch there for a little bit.
:'''Gordon:''' What happened?
:'''Buddy:''' I had a heart attack.
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Brian:''' (interview) My father's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.
:'''Jason:''' (interview) And it was bad. The doctor told him he could have died.
:'''Melissa:''' (interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.
:'''Buddy:''' I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked-- the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns, and when I came back everything was perfect.
:'''Melissa:''' (interview) I don't think last year we could've done it. If this would've happened before Ramsay came, I think Finn McCool's would've been doors locked, done.
:'''Gordon:''' Bloody good to see you. 
:'''Buddy:''' Yeah?
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. Honestly. ''[shakes Buddy's hand. Buddy has quite a grip]'' There it is-- I swear to God. Honestly, I feel like you crushed my fingers. It'll take three days for the blood to go back.

=== Handlebar [2.01] ===
:'''Gordon''': When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?
:'''Melissa''': A week ago.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.
:'''Billy''': No, it has.
:'''Gordon''': No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every fucking dollar that I have, this fucking place hasn't been cleaned in years.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believeable. So that just proves and confirms how weak this guy is. He's not running this place, this place is running him, and is in need of a fucking serious clean. That is appalling.

=== Giuseppi's [2.02] ===
:'''Gordon''': Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an &quot;authentic Italian restaurant&quot; with potato skins?
:'''Sam''': Definitely not.
:'''Joe''': A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve fucking children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, I can assure you.

=== Trobiano's [2.03] ===
:'''Gordon''': The décor matches the clientèle. Drab, fuddy-duddy, and seriously old-fashioned. I feel like I've come to see my granny in a retirement home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pat''': The Trobiano's salad is excellent. It's chopped.
:'''Gordon''': Why would you chop it?
:'''Pat''': People seem to love it.
:'''Gordon''': Is that because of their teeth?

=== Black Pearl [2.04] ===
:'''Gordon''': A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy. Who am I? [[w:Snow White|Snow fucking White]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You tell me about the passion with the Maine lobsters. Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
:'''David''': Same waters, North Atlantic waters.
:'''Gordon''': You're telling me now...a Canadian lobster, half the price of a Maine lobster, is the same taste and flavour? There's a big difference. I can't get Maine lobsters.
:'''David''': That's right, so they get them from Canada.
:'''Gordon''': I'm using Canadian lobsters.
:'''David''': That's right. That's what they do.
:'''Gordon''': But I don't advertise them as &quot;Maine.&quot; 
:'''David''': You tell me, is it a different animal?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;''Maine''&quot; is a &quot;''Canadian''&quot; lobster for you?
:'''David''': ''Homarus americanus.'' Same animal, right?
:'''Gordon''': Holy shit... 
:'''David''': I'm asking you a question.
:'''Gordon''': What you're trying to dictate to me is that you're selling &quot;Maine&quot; lobster - they're not from Maine.
:'''David''': Well, it comes from the same vendor.
:'''Gordon''': ''[at a loss]'' Holy shit! The award-winning Maine lobster roll... is Canadian!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[to David]'' You're so full of fucking shit that you'd make a great politician.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You amaze me.
:'''David''': What?
:'''Gordon''': Because all week long, face-to-face, you fucking pretend to care.
:'''David''': Oh, fuck, Gordon. Come on.
:'''Gordon''': You don't give two fucks about this place. 
:'''David''': Really?
:'''Gordon''': You're not passionate about running a restaurant. 
:'''David''': Really?
:'''Gordon''': You're just abusing it and using it.
:'''David''': How did I- what, what, what did I do?
:'''Gordon''': I've never met an individual that's so full of shit in all my life. 
:'''David''': How have I been lying to you, Gordy? How? Tell me.
:'''Gordon''': ''Gordy''?
:'''David''': Yeah, how? You want to disrespect me, I can disrespect you too. But tell me how I'm lying to you.
:'''Gordon''': I'm not ''disrespecting'' you. I'm telling you the ''truth''.
:'''David''': No, you're disrespecting me because you don't know the truth.
:'''Gordon''': You're just massaging your fucking ego.
:'''David''': Gordon, bullshit.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, bullshit?
:'''David''': Not true.
:'''Gordon''': From the first minute you walked in this fucking door, standing there with your big long coat and your fucking sunglasses looking like proud cock, that was it. First impressions. Then you start debating lobsters because you think you're some smart-arse on the back of few fucking shit dive books. ''[flashback]'' Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
:'''David''': ''[flashback]'' ''Homarus americanus.'' Same animal, right?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Humanus americanus&quot;, my arse-us.
:'''David''': Hmm.
:'''Gordon''': With 21 restaurants under my belt, I work my fucking arse off.
:'''David''': So what? So what?
:'''Gordon''': And I never take anything for granted.
:'''David''': ''[sarcastically]'' Fascinating, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': You treat the staff like shit. You amaze me.
:'''David''': Never. Never did that.
:'''Gordon''': Excuse me?
:'''David''': Never. ''[flashback]'' Cat, it's policy here for you not to have a drink here after your shift, but you often do. ''[normal]'' Never.
:'''Gordon''': You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. Mate, you've been exposed.
:'''David''': Exposed?
:'''Gordon''': You're a hypocrite.
:'''David''': Is that right?
:'''Gordon''': Absolutely. For you, it's about a fucking TV show. This man ''[points to Greg]'', it's about a restaurant. Fuck the TV, David. And, I mean fuck it. This is real for me. And for you, it's an image.
:'''David''': I disagree with you on almost everything you said.
:'''Gordon''': You do?
:'''David''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Gordon''': Why do you disagree?
:'''David''': Because you're wrong. The great Gordon Ramsay is wrong.
:'''Gordon:''' You're a sad fuck. My advice would be for him ''[points to Greg]'' to get his partners, get your money out—yeah?—and disappear.
:'''David:''' Yeah, alright. My advice would be for you to disappear, and the sooner the better.
:'''Gordon:''' You don’t get it, do you?
:'''David:''' Fuck you, Gordon; of course I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' This restaurant has every chance of succeeding... but not while you are in it, because you’re not passionate. You’re soulless.
:'''David:''' Say what you like. Let me get out of here.
:'''Gordon:''' You’re ungrateful.

=== J Willy's [2.05] ===
:'''John (&quot;J Willy&quot;)''': (interview) When Chef Gordon pulled those potato skins out, I knew he had found something that I wasn't going to like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We sat here wondering why this business is on its ass. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.
:'''John (&quot;J Willy&quot;)''': (interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rick''': (interview) I wanted to crawl under the table and hide my face so that people wouldn't associate me with such &quot;crap&quot;.

=== Hannah &amp; Mason's [2.06] ===
:'''Gordon''': What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &amp;... (sees that the sign is missing the N from &quot;Mason's&quot;) Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the &quot;N.&quot; That's not a good start.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon goes down to the walk in fridge]''
:'''Gordon''': I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!
:'''Chris''': (interview) Through my head, I was thinking &quot;We're going to be screwed!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': That's what in there?
:'''Chris''': That's the walk-in freezer.
:'''Gordon''': That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?
:'''Brian''': Bacon.
:'''Gordon''': Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.
:'''Chris''': There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.
:'''Gordon''': What's that in there?
:'''Brian''': Shit that didn't get put away?
:'''Gordon''': (finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.
:'''Chris''': I don't know what the fuck...
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!
:'''Chris''': This is not good.
:'''Gordon''': RAW CHICKEN!
:'''Brian''': That should never happen, you know?
:'''Gordon''': Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!
:'''Chris''': It's fucking...
:'''Gordon''': (to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!
:'''Brian''': Yes?
:'''Gordon''': YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.
:'''Brian''': We are ashamed.
:'''Gordon''': You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Gordon shuts the kitchen down]''
:'''Gordon''': What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?
:'''Chris''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.
:'''Chris''': I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.
:'''Gordon''': You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the &quot;partner&quot; you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?
:'''Brian''': None.
:'''Gordon''': How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?
:'''Brian''': None.
:'''Gordon''': Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': Right. What are they called.
:'''Brian''': (unenthusiastically) Apples?
:'''Gordon''': Apples, fucking smartass.

=== Jack's Waterfront [2.07] ===
''[Gordon has just ordered a &quot;krab&quot; omelet...]''
:'''Gordon: ''' Wow,  look at the size of that. That's a lot of &quot;krab.&quot; And you haven't told me about the &quot;K&quot; yet.
:'''Erica:''' Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a &quot;K&quot; so there was no misconception.
:'''Gordon: ''' So it's fake crab meat?
:'''Erica: ''' Uh-huh.
:'''Gordon: ''' In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After taking a bite of some rubbery fish and chips]''
:'''Gordon: ''' When you take a bite of that cod, it's almost like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[During a kitchen inspection]''
:'''Gordon: ''' This is salmon that is marinated in... that looks like... ''[he smells it]'' an Italian dressing. Oh dear. ''[finds tuna that has been dyed pink]'' What's this? Seafood restaurant on the water. Tuna that's dyed pink to make it look authentic. Look at it, my God. Unbelieveable. And here we have... ''[he finds a risotto]'' That looks like a mushroom risotto, grey risotto. Unbelieveable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon shows the chefs some beef bits.]''
:'''Gordon: ''' What is that there
:'''AJ:''' I believe it's beef bits.
:'''Gordon: ''' Beef bits in blood.
:'''Scott: ''' Nasty.

=== Sabatiello's [2.08] ===

:''[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]''
:'''Sammy''': What's the matter with this?
:'''Marco''': She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.
:'''Gordon''': It's fucking watery.
:'''Sammy''': Let me have a taste. How bad is it? ''[tastes it]'' It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! ''[Gordon tastes it and spits it out.]'' Ohhhh, no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.
:'''Sammy''': It's not the right crab meat. You're right.
:'''Gordon''': And it's fucking disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big fucking baboon and &quot;Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake fucking crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.
:'''Sammy''': How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?
:'''Lady''': I wanted it medium rare.
:'''Sammy''': So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?
:'''Lady''': I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.
:'''Sammy''': No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.
:'''Lady''': It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exuding heat.
:'''Sammy''': Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Get the fuck out of here. Tell her to take a hike.
:'''Customers''': That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.
''[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]''
:'''Sammy''': No wait, we're not done yet. I want to see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?
:'''Lady''': You know what? I'm done. No more chances.
:'''Sammy''': Unbelievable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

=== Fiesta Sunrise [2.09] ===
:'''Gordon''': When were these done?
:'''Vic''': Yesterday?
:'''Gordon''': Yesterday? Fuck off, Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly: &quot;When were these cooked?&quot;
:'''Vic''': (to a cook) ''¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso?'' (When did you cook that?)
:'''Cook''': ''En viernes.'' (On Friday.)
:'''Vic''': (to a cook) So this was from last week.
:'''Gordon''': Of course, they're from last week!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:[Gordon finds some fresh chives in the fridge.]
:'''Gordon''': What are these? (to Vic) Vic?
:'''Vic''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.
:'''Vic''': Where'd you find that?
:'''Gordon''': I found it in the fucking fridge. Smell it.
:[Vic smells the chives.]
:'''Gordon''': Vic, look, let me just show you something.
:[Gordon shows Vic some fish.]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Stop getting nervous now. Talk to me. What is this?
:'''Vic''': That's the fish we're using.
:'''Gordon''': That's the fish you're using? Oh, fuck me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': How old is this stuff?
:'''Vic''': Yesterday.
:'''Gordon''': Yesterday?!
:'''Patti''': He said, Friday.
:'''Gordon''': [finds slimy chicken] Look at that! Oh, my god. (cough) When's all this from?
:'''Patti''': Friday. He took it out Friday.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, everything's Friday? Let me just show you something, look how green and slimy that is. That's from Friday? Look at that, that's from Friday? Look at my fingers. Friday? Look, look (pours the juice from the tray). There you go. That's from Friday? How do you say in Spanish, &quot;This is not healthy&quot;?
:'''Patti''': ''No es saludable.'' (It is not healthy.)
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. What is going on in here? A hungry cat would walk away from that.
:'''Patti''':  (interview) I was mortified. I felt embarrassed for letting this go on for so long.
:'''Narrator''':  While customers in the dining room continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.
:'''Gordon''': What is going on here?
:[Gordon finds a tray of burritos.]
:'''Gordon''': What's that?!!
:'''Vic''': The burritos.
:[Gordon finds a tray of chicken enchiladas.]
:'''Gordon''': What's that one?
:'''Vic''': The chicken enchiladas.
:'''Gordon''': Ugh! How?! 
: [Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God! What's that?!
:'''Vic''': That was the ground beef.
:'''Gordon''': Ground beef?!! Half of it's fucking fat, you idiot! It's fatter than you!
:'''Patti''': (interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called him out on his bullshit.
: [Gordon finds a bucket of beans.]
:'''Gordon''': Oh, shit! What's that?
:'''Vic''': The beans.
:'''Gordon''': Ugh! How? It's like a cement mixer. Are you fucking stupid? Who's controlling this?
:'''Vic''': I am, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You are? You... are a walking disaster.
:'''Vic''': (interview) Now I'm feeling, like, like stupid.
:'''Gordon''': Lift it up. The fridge is full... of ''shit!'' It -- it's ''DISGUSTING!!'' I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? Fucking ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm fucking disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.
:'''Yolanda''': I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.
:'''Gordon''': (to Vic) You're overstaffed. Under-worked. SHIT food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a ''fucking'' restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!
:'''Vic''': I care for the restaurant.
:[Gordon grabs the huge bucket full of stale re-fried beans]
:'''Gordon''': I want to take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.
:'''Vic''': Excuse me?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?
:'''Vic''': That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;It's embarrassing&quot;? WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!
:'''Vic''': Why?
:'''Gordon''': Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.
:'''Vic''': I care for—
:'''Gordon''': YOU DON'T CARE SHIT! No fucking way!
:[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]
:'''Gordon''': Fuck! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry, but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to drink, eat so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!
:'''Vic''': (interview) I was like, &quot;What the hell are you doing?&quot; You can't do that to my customers.
:'''Gordon''': By the way, there's your re-fried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan — the food.
:''[Gordon sees that the kitchen is infested with cockroaches.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God. What in the fuck is that? That is a fucking joke.
:''[Gordon calls out Vic, Patti and Yolanda.]''
:'''Gordon''': I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You ''(Patti)'' make a burrito, you ''(Yolanda)'' make a burrito, you ''(Vic)'' make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little fuckers here. LOOK AT THEM!
:''[We see that the kitchen is infested with dozens of cockroaches. The women look disgusted.]''
:'''Yolanda''': Oh, my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.
:'''Patti''': I didn't know about this problem either.
:'''Gordon''': Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?
:'''Patti''': (interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?
:'''Vic''': I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...
:'''Gordon''': You knew it?
:'''Vic''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!
:'''Yolanda''': (interview) I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.
:'''Narrator''': After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.
:'''Yolanda''': I had no idea it was that bad.
:'''Gordon''': Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.
:'''Vic''': Sorry.
:'''Yolanda''': Vic, this is stupid.
:'''Gordon''': Where do I go, Vic?
:'''Vic''': Sorry.
:''[Gordon goes outside.]''
:'''Vic''': (interview) I'm embarrassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.
:'''Gordon''': You can't run a fucking restaurant like that!
:'''Vic''': You think I'm mad? I'm fucking embarrassed now.
:'''Gordon''': You should be fucking embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place until that place is fucking cleaned, yes?
:'''Vic''': You're right.
:'''Gordon''': Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?
:'''Vic''': Definitely.
:'''Gordon''': Put some fucking pride! Do you understand the word pride?!
:'''Vic''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his asshole. Fuck me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Service, please! Pass it over.
:''[The cooks hand Gordon two plates of food, both of which are covered in large black chunks]''
:'''Gordon''': What's those black bits, coming from the...?
:'''Cook''': From the top.
:'''Gordon''': The top of the broiler? Jesus Christ almighty. When was the last time the broiler was cleaned?
:''[A server is shown talking to some diners in the dining room]''
:'''Server''': The chefs, now, they are crazy, you know.
:'''Customer 1''': But this place is half-full. What are you going to do when it's crowded, and there's people waiting outside?
:''[Back in the kitchen, Gordon checks the broiler]''
:'''Gordon''': This is unbelievable! What the fuck's happening?! When was the broiler cleaned last, gentlemen? If he fucking tells me Friday one more time, I'll boil him!
:'''Yolanda''': Every Sunday, they say.
:'''Gordon''': Every Sunday? My fucking arse!
:''[Cut back to the table seen earlier, where only two out of the six guests have any food]''
:'''Customer 2''': This is out of control. I mean, you've got your food, you've got your food.
:'''Customer 1''': Yep.
:''[In the kitchen, Gordon wipes the soot off his hands]''
:'''Gordon''': I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put ''salt'' on the food, not fucking soot!
:''[The table seen earlier starts walking out]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Vic) You can't employ these guys! One can't clean, one can't cook rice.
:'''Yolanda''': (interview) I never imagined how bad this restaurant was doing. I don't know what else could happen.
:'''Gordon''': (leaves the kitchen) I cannot come to terms with what the fuck is happening!

=== Santa La Brea [2.10] ===
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?
:'''Dean:''' Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.
:'''Gordon:''' Fake duck? So you call it... what?
:'''Dean:''' We call it un-duck.
:'''Gordon:''' Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely fucked. Is that popular?
:'''Dean:'''Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.
:'''Gordon:''' Un-duck... fucked up... ''[as he reaches in and pulls out more &quot;meat&quot;]''
:'''Dean:''' That's fake fish.
:'''Gordon:''' Fake fish? ''[sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]''
:'''Dean:''' It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.
''[Gordon rolls the cutely molded, fish-shaped, food-like substance over in his hands.]''
:'''Dean: '''''[to audience]'' We have everything that's &quot;un&quot;.
''[Gordon strides into the walk-in, talking to audience.]''
:'''Gordon: ''' This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-fucking-believable. What a mess.

=== Cafe 36 [2.11] ===
''[The food is delivered to the customers on carts, awkwardly]''
:'''Gordon''': I thought people got pushed into a mortuary on trolleys, no? Not serving food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Cafe 36's biggest problem is the long wait times for your meal.]''
:'''Female Customer''': I feel like I'm drinking more than I'm eating.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Male Customer''': I think they got to catch the shrimp first.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Eduardo, no wonder you've grown so old. You've aged waiting for the last main course. ''[Eduardo and the other servers laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[It's the middle of February and Pinto, the head chef, is serving asparagus for the 'veggie of the day']''
:'''Gordon''': What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?
:'''Pinto''': No. Not right now, they're very expensive.
:'''Gordon''': They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?
:'''Pinto''': They're veggie of the day.
:'''Gordon''': Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?
:'''Pinto''': It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.
:'''Gordon''': 'It comes from a different part of the world'? ''[to the sous-chef]'' Are you listening to this?! ''[to Pinto]'' It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

== Season 3 ==

=== Hot Potato Cafe [3.01] ===

:'''Gordon:''' You just served me three-week-old frozen potato skins that have no potato inside. I feel like I'm a potato organ donor.

=== Flamango's [3.02] ===

:'''Gordon:''' Adele, what do you think?
:'''Adele:''' ''(Shaking her head)'' I don't like it.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't like it?
:'''Adele:''' I hate blue.
:'''Gordon:''' Unbelievable.
:'''Waitress:''' I'm dumbfounded. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say they hate the color blue!
:'''Adele:''' I hate it.
:'''Bill:''' You hate it?
:'''Adele:''' Hate it. How can you be positive about something you hate? Ugly. I wanna throw up. I hate it! Hate, hate, hate. Oh my God.

=== Bazzini [3.03] ===

:''[Gordon's mushroom risotto is stuck to the plate and won't move around on it]''
:'''Gordon:''' Is that normal? The Amazing Bazzini's Risotto. Woohoo! (twirls the plate around) Wow, that's extraordinary, no? Doesn't even move.

=== Mojito [3.04] ===

=== Lido di Manhattan Beach [3.05] ===

=== Le Bistro [3.06] ===

:'''Andy :''' If this restaurant closes, the last thing I wanna do is work for some idiot somewhere else. I hate idiots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' (about Andy) This is unbelievable, because there’s a lot of similarities between Andy and I. We’re both English and we both studied in Paris, but there’s one thing we don’t share in common: I care about my customers. He clearly doesn’t give a shit. What a shame.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I’m a loser, everybody. I’m the worst.

=== Casa Roma [3.07] ===

:'''Gordon''': This is incredible. Right through those doors has to be for me one of the worst restaurants I've ever seen in my entire cooking career. The chef doesn't give a fuck, the owner's completely clueless and not any form of communication between the kitchen and the restaurant and the management. It's a fucking shambles.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[8:58 PM, two hours into dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': What are we waiting on Ashley?
:'''Ashley''': I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal Parmesan ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.
:'''Gordon''': Erick, can I have your undivided attention?
:'''Erick''': Sure.
:'''Gordon''': Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. &quot;Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!&quot; We're spinning around and serving shit! Do me a favour, close the fucking restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door fucking closed! Forget it! Good night!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompetent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of fucking making it work, he doesn't give a fuck about his cooking, doesn't give a fuck about you, and he's here for one thing and one thing only: money. And the only restaurant that fucking guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.
:'''Nylah''': Where am I going to find another chef?
:'''Gordon''': Drew. What's wrong with Drew?
:'''Nylah''': Drew, I think can carry it on.
:'''Gordon''': So get rid of him!
:'''Nylah''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable.
:'''Erick''': Babe, I'm sorry.
:'''Nylah''': No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.
:'''Erick''': I feel real bad.
:'''Nylah''': The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.
:'''Erick''': We understand that.
:'''Nylah''': I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...
:'''Erick''': Okay so what do you want to do?
:'''Nylah''': We're going to part ways.
:'''Erick''': Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I fucked on that deal.
:'''Nylah''': (interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[8:30 AM, day two - kitchen inspection.]''
:'''Gordon''': Last twenty four hours was one of the toughest days ever spent in a restaurant. Last night, we did get rid of the chef which was a positive move. Now I need Drew to step up to the mark, Jeremy to support his mother more...I got here early so I can check out the place properly. With no interference.
:''[Inside the refrigeration unit]''
:Jesus... Christ almighty, where do we start in a place like this? ''[looking at a roast beef]'' Roast beef, dating back when? ''[looking at meat that has been defrosting]'' What is that there? Just meat defrosting, again no sign of what it is. ''[looking at a parma ham that is moldy]'' Fresh parma ham, it's caked in mould. This is outrageous. ''[he touches the base of it, and it stuck on his hand]'' Look at it. It sticks in your fucking hand, it's that rancid. ''[looking at a rack of ribs]'' Woh, fucking hell. That's just over three months old. ''[he smells it]'' Jesus Christ almighty. Oh God. ''[he leaves the fridge and gags over a bin]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': After witnessing one of the worst kitchen walk-ins he has ever seen, Gordon moves on to an area outside the kitchen that restaurants are judged upon - the bathroom.
:'''Gordon''': One of the best ways to check the hygiene of any restaurant is always through these bathrooms. Turn that [a blue UV light] on, and turn the lights off. Right, this can be quite scary. ''[he checks out one of the walls]'' Oh my good God. Green and yellow identifies bodily fluids. Any form of bleach or any form of cleaning will be identified through the colour blue, but the body fluids on here is extraordinary. ''[he checks the ceiling]'' Look, as high as the ceiling, oh my God. Even the ceiling's caked in it, OH MY GOD! This is shocking. ''[a sign reads &quot;Wash your heads&quot;]'' Wash your hands, yeah. Honestly, I've seen enough. Let's get the fuck out of here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Nylah) Nylah, the state of that fridge in there confirms whoever's running this place in terms of kitchen management has given up. They don't give a fuck about you, and they don't give a fuck about standards.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Nylah) Having a dirty refrigeration unit is one thing. Having a filthy bathroom is something that fucking scares the hell out of me.
:''[They went to the bathroom.]''
:'''Gordon''': This thing here [the blue UV light] detects body fluids. Just have a look at this.
:'''Nylah''': That's body fluids up there?
:'''Gordon''': That there has got nothing to do with any form of cleaning. Look at the fucking state of this. Green, green, green, green, green. And here's where it gets really scarry.
:''[The UV light is shown towards the ceiling.]''
:'''Nylah''': How the hell did it get up there? (interview) It looked like somebody may have peed on the ceiling, the walls, the doors, you know. It could be a throw-up. I can't even imagine, you know. And it made me sick, I didn't even want to touch the door-knob coming out myself.

=== Mama Rita's [3.08] ===

:'''Laura:''' This is Cheryl, this is my manager.
:'''Gordon:''' And you manage the kitchen and the front of the house?
:'''Cheryl:''' Um, front of the house.
:'''Laura:''' Catering...
:'''Cheryl:''' ...and I do catering as well.
:'''Gordon:''' What's wrong with the place?
:'''Cheryl:''' Lack of customers...
:'''Gordon:''' So why have we got lacking the customers?
:'''Cheryl:''' We need more customers, we need to figure out how to get more people in here...
:'''Gordon:''' ''(covering his face with his hand in disbelief)'' Ok. Thank you, and you're the manager?
:'''Cheryl:''' Yeah...
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my God...! A manager that didn't even know what's wrong with the restaurant is scary.

=== Anna Vincenzo's [3.09] ===

:'''CeCe:''' So he is a bigger asshole than I thought. ''(Talking about Ramsay)''
:'''CeCe's father:''' Fuck him.
:'''CeCe:''' What?
:'''CeCe's father:''' Fuck him.
:'''CeCe:''' Fuck him? ''(Almost laughing)''
:'''CeCe's father:''' Chef Ramsay... surprised nobody break his legs yet...!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[during after-lunch meeting]''
:'''Gordon:''' What’s with the defense mechanism?
:'''CeCe:''' (laughs) Oh, my God. Don’t you get defensive if somebody comments on your food like that?
:'''Gordon:''' I don’t cook shit like that.
:''(Ashton has hand over mouth in surprise while CeCe shakes her head in disbelief)''
:'''Gordon:''' When was the last time somebody complained about the food?
:'''CeCe:''' Well, last night.
:'''Gordon:''' Mm-hmm, and what did they say?
:'''CeCe:''' It was bland.
:'''Gordon:''' And were they right or they wrong?
:'''CeCe:''' No, they’re right. But... you’re off the wall with what you’re saying.
:'''Gordon:''' Here’s the difference between you and me: I listen for feedback. You can’t handle it. I came here because you asked me to come and help you, and your reaction to me telling you something quite constructive in a very calm manner is a joke.
:'''CeCe:''' Ok, so you want me to be your fucking puppet?
:'''Gordon:''' Why are you shouting? Why—
:'''CeCe:''' Because you’re pissing me the fuck off!
:'''Gordon:''' So shut the fuck up and talk properly. Is this the way you react when I’m not even here? (to the staff) Is this an old procedure when— it is, yeah?
:'''CeCe:''' Oh, you’re gonna get your fucking ass kicked.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, there you go. Madam, you have an attitude problem. I‘m not too sure which is worse: the food, or the attitude.
:'''CeCe:''' (to the staff) Ooh, can I hit him now? (to Gordon) You know, a lot of people said you were a jerk; I think I believe it. Anything else?
:''(dismayed with CeCe’s attitude, Gordon then turns to leave the restaurant)''
:'''Gordon:''' Fuck this. No fucking way. What a sad case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a disastrous dinner service, CeCe and Gordon are sitting on a bench outside the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon:''' You all right? ''(CeCe is sobbing)'' No, come on.
:''(CeCe continues sobbing)'' 
:'''Gordon:''' I can’t start to even attempt to help unless you come to terms with the problem, and that is the food.
:'''CeCe:''' It’s good when I cook!
:'''Gordon:''' Come on! This is not a game for me!
:'''CeCe:''' It’s not a fucking game for me; this is my life! It’s not a joke for me! Don’t start saying that; it’s not a joke! It’s not a joke for me. I care! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fucking be here, so stop saying I don’t care! Just stop, please.
:'''Gordon:''' I haven’t said that!
:'''CeCe:''' Yes, you did.
:'''Gordon:''' What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to come to terms, internally, that there is a huge problem and that is with the food.
:'''CeCe:''' (interview) Nobody wants to hear that anything that they do sucks. I don’t like to fail. Death would be better than failing.
:'''Gordon:''' It’s certainly not a sign of weakness to admit your failings. I’ve closed three restaurants but I also have a number of successful ones. One-thousand, six-hundred and fifty members...
:'''CeCe:''' I know who you are.
:'''Gordon:''' That’s—
:'''CeCe:''' And it’s— It’s— I—
:'''Gordon:''' A “jerk,” you told me earlier.
:'''CeCe:''' Well, you can be a jerk.
:'''Gordon:''' Stop acting like a petulant teenager! I’m not gonna stand there and be a doormat for you to take the piss out of me. Let’s get one thing right: you asked me here and I’m here to help, so let me in.
:'''CeCe:''' Okay, the food sucks. There, you happy?
:'''Gordon:''' There’s a problem with the way the food is prepared, there’s a problem with the way the food is ordered, there’s a problem with the way the food is not respected... I’m sorry, CeCe, but it’s just not good enough.
:''(CeCe sobs some more)''

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 2 [3.10] ===
Casa Roma
:''[Gordon turns around and sees Q, who used to work at Sebastian's]''
:'''Q:''' How are you doing sir?
:'''Gordon''': (to Q) Wait a second. (to Nylah) I recognise this man.
:'''Nylah:''' Ah-ha.
:'''Q:''' How are you doing?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Q) Your first name is...
:'''Q''': Q.
:'''Gordon''': From Sebastian's.
:'''Q:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Possibly one of the most difficult, arrogant, jumped-up owners I have met in my entire life.
:'''Q:''' I thought you'd say that.
:'''Gordon:''' What the hell are you doing here?
:'''Q:''' Good question.

=== Fleming [3.11] ===
:'''Gordon:''' You're the owners?
:'''Andy and Suzanne:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Ok, great. ''(searching through his Danish dictionary)'' Hvordan er du? ''(How are you?)''
:'''Andy:''' I'm sorry. No Danish here.
:'''Gordon:''' But... it is a Danish restaurant?
:'''Andy:''' The Danes have left the building.
:'''Gordon:''' So... the chef's Danish?
:'''Andy and Suzanne:''' No... he's Cuban.
:'''Gordon:''' Cuban...

=== Sushi Ko [3.12] ===
:'''Gordon:''' I've never been to a Japanese restaurant where I can have a pizza... sushi style... and a chef owner that's no longer in the kitchen. I'm nervous.
:'''Cook:''' Just go with it.
:'''Ashleigh:''' Ok.
:'''Gordon:''' Um... that's the sushi pizza?
:'''Ashleigh:''' It sure is. It's rice, salmon, crab, and mayonnaise... some cheese...
:'''Gordon:''' Wow. Thank you darling. Japanese pizza? ''(Takes a bite and spits it out)'' Sorry. That... is rancid.
''[to Ashleigh]'': You were right. That... is an insult to pizza, yeah? And Japanese food.
:'''Ashleigh:''' ''(In an interview)'' Chef had fair warning that it was going to be terrible. ''(laughing)''
:'''Gordon:''' Mhm!
:'''Ashleigh:''' I told him not to get it!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 3 [3.13] ===

== Season 4 ==

=== Spanish Pavilion [4.01] ===
:''[Gordon is not impressed with the lobster bisque]''
:'''Gordon''': It looks like the lobster was dead before they cooked it.
:'''Joe''': The lobster's from the tank. 
:'''Jerry''': You want to take a look?
:''[Gordon goes to take a look]''
:'''Gordon''' ''[points]'': Is he dead?
:'''Jerry''': No, I think they're just sleeping.
:'''Gordon''': Is it? It must be dead.
:'''Balbina''': We keep a good eye on them.
:'''Gordon''': You keep a good eye on them? Surely not. ''[pulls the &quot;sleeping&quot; lobster out of the tank]'' He's fucking dead. A dead lobster! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Michael is in denial]''
:'''Michael''': That lobster's fresh. Even though it died, it's... good.

=== Classic American [4.02] ===

:''[Gordon meets Dominick, thinking he's the owner]''
:'''Gordon''': You look live you've been in this business for thirty years.
:'''Dominick''': I haven't.
:'''Gordon''': Oh really?
:'''Dominick''': Six years.
:'''Gordon''': What were you doing before that?
:'''Dominick''': Laying brick.
:'''Gordon''': ''[after doing a double take]'' So it's you and who?
:'''Dominick''': Colleen and Naomi. They own the place.
:'''Gordon''': OK, brilliant.
:'''Dominick''': I'm actually going out with Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': You're going out with Colleen?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, so you're going out with one of the owners?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Ex-customer?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': &lt;i&gt;Right.&lt;/i&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon reads the sign by the front door]''
:'''Gordon''': 'Enter as strangers, leave as friends'... Enter a stranger, start dating the owner.

=== PJ's Steakhouse [4.03] ===

:''[Gordon orders crab cakes]''
:'''Gordon''': Somebody spit on my food? What is that?
:'''Server''': It's coulis mango sauce.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. ''[she leaves]'' Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay...  ''[takes a bite]'' Wow. That's fucking disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': PJ's Steakhouse? &quot;Pathetic Joke&quot;! That's what it stands for!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 4 [4.04] ===

=== Grasshopper Also [4.05] ===
:''[Gordon tries a French onion soup.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Jesus. It's like somebody's dropped sliced onions into boiling dishwater. Dreadful.
:'''Maureen:''' How's the French onion?
:'''Gordon:''' Off to a bad start unfortunately. It's like somebody's pissed in my soup.
:'''Maureen:''' That's not good, we'll take this away.
:''[The soup was returned to the staff.]''
:'''Maureen:''' Guys, the French onion, he said it's like piss. The flavor he said was no good.
:'''Chief:''' (to Mitch) I told you the onion soup wasn't right.
:'''Mitch:''' We know, I know.
:'''Chief:''' But how are you going to educate these guys to do that right?
:'''Mitch:''' I don't know, I'll find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon looks at the shepherd's pie.]''
:'''Gordon:''' That gravy's made from...
:'''Annette:''' Beef.
:'''Gordon:''' Beef stock on a shepherd's pie.
:'''Annette:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' A shepherd's pie is made out of...
:'''Annette:''' This one is actually beef.
:'''Gordon:''' Then it's a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie, because the shepherd stands for the...
:'''Annette:''' The sheep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maureen tastes the shepherd's pie.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Bad, that's gross.
:'''Maureen:''' And it's not hot either.
:'''Gordon:''' That's part of the reason why I'm not coming back because it's watery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief''': (to Annette) He ''(Mitch)'' doesn't know what he's doing. Mitch is fucking up everything here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon tries a fisherman's platter. One of the scallops tasted bad.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking hell. My God.
:'''Annette:''' Oh Lord.
:'''Gordon:''' That's gross.
:'''Annette:''' No good, Chef?
:'''Gordon:''' It's soft, bland, rubbery. I didn't realize it would be this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief:''' (to Maureen) Mitch can be blind and I'm not kidding you. He's fucking me over here. All you have to do is do what I told you.
:'''Maureen:''' Yeah. Well, I'm not even going there, Dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' (to Chief) You're from Ireland.
:'''Chief:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' What happened here today had nothing to do with Ireland. Shepherd's pie - well, fuck me, that wasn't shepherd's pie. If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd's pie like that, they would shoot you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?
:'''Gabriel:''' Mozzarella sticks.
:''[Gordon finds some blood in the mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Can you see that there? Blood, blood from where?
:'''Gabriel:''' From the meat.
:'''Gordon:''' Blood from the meat on the mozzarella sticks.
:''[Gordon puts down the mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, guys. Thank God I didn't have the fucking mozzarella sticks. Look like a blood transfusion going on down there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some meat in the refrigerator.]''
:'''Gordon:''' You've got raw meat here, cooked meat, salami with blood in there. Fuck, come on, please. Don't do this to yourselves, let alone the customers. Rule number one: When learning to cook, you cannot store raw meat and cooked meat on the same fucking shelf in the same fucking fridge. The whole fucking thing has got a cross-contamination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some slimy chicken tenders.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What's in there?
:'''Gabriel:''' Tenders.
:'''Gordon:''' Chicken tenders. Why is it all bubbly and slimy?
:'''Gabriel:''' The chicken comes like that.
:'''Gordon:''' The chicken comes like that. Look how slimy it is, look how slimy it is. Look at it. Shit!
:'''Maureen:''' (interview) My God, it's ribid, it's so embarassing.
:''[Gordon finds a big piece of salmon.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is this? How can you serve that? It's like it's been left out for days and it's been attacked by cats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' I would never, ''never'' have put a spoon of anything in my mouth if I knew this was taking place.
:'''Annette:''' (interview) It's shocking to see just the extent of cross-contamination. There's no check-up.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Chief) Sorry, Chief. You may be the chief, but I swear to God, there's one thing that Grasshopper hasn't got is a LEADER.
:'''Maureen:''' (interview) We should all be ashamed of ourselves. At this point in time, I'd like to shot the doors and just say, &quot;You know what? Break it off.&quot;
:'''Gordon:''' (to Mitch, Maureen and Chief) Someone's got to help me here a little bit. I cannot help a situation who are not willing to help themselves, and you don't need me to come in here and turn your fridge upside-down. Mitch, if you're the one with the hands-on deck in this business, and you're ''(Maureen)'' supporting him, and you're ''(Chief)'' the mentoring figure, we're screwed.
:'''Maureen:''' We have people coming tonight. What are we going to do?
:'''Gordon:''' I can guarantee you one thing. I am NOT serving food tonight with that shit in there - no way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon personally brings back a poorly prepared Shepherd's Pie to the kitchen.]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Let me just tell you something, when I was busting my chops earlier making it for you, I turned my back for five minutes and you send that out.
:'''Mitch''': Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Chef? Come on, guys. On the back of 115 customers in 2 1/2 hours, results are that.
:'''Annette''': (interview) Chef Ramsay was like, &quot;To hell with all these!&quot; There was like no passion, no care for any of the food coming out.
:'''Gordon''': All you fuckers get paid?! WHERE'S THE WORRY ON YOUR FACES?! IF YOU WERE MY BRIGADE, I WOULD'VE FIRED YOU FUCKING SIXTEEN YEARS AGO!! '''YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU''' '''and''' '''''FUCKING YOU!!!'''''
:'''Mitch''': Fuck!

=== Davide [4.06] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank:''' Hey moron! This is your table!
:'''Anthony:''' Get the fuck out of here, really.

=== DownCity [4.07] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After discovering they don’t have a head chef]''
:'''Gordon''': Abby, what you’re employing is a ship with no captain at the helm and a team desperate for guidance. No guidance is no standards; no standards is no consistency. So, who came up with the menu? If this is American comfort food, somebody’s dreaming here.
:'''Abby''': I did. I did; I take full responsibility for the menu.
:'''Gordon''': You have no cooking background but you put the menu together? Abby, you’ve got to understand how frustrating this is. It’s ridiculous!
:'''Abby''': I don’t know what to say. Fix it. You fix it! That’s why you’re here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh come on, Abby! How can I fix it when you stand there in front of your team rating YOU and your restaurant and your food 10 out of 10? Dreamer!
:'''Abby''': I don’t... I don’t think it’s as bad as you say it’s...
:'''Gordon''': Stop being in denial!
:'''Abby''': Can you be more specific about the meat loaf? What did you not like about the meat loaf?
:'''Gordon''': (in disbelief) Oh, SHIT!
:'''Abby''': Can you say something besides...
:'''Gordon''': You’re loopy!
:'''Abby''': I’ve been called worse than that.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up and admit it’s shit!
:'''Abby''': Bring it on.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on.
:'''Abby''': Bring it on.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, “bring it on”?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Abby lies on the chairs after receiving a harsh critique from Gordon]''
:'''Abby''': So what do I do? Like, just get out of the restaurant business? Then, obviously, my thirty years in business is, like, worthless and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing? Okay! I think I'm going to open that hot dog stand down the beach.
:'''Mini''': Want some tea or something?
:'''Abby''': No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During a staff meeting]''
:'''Abby''': I don't really care what he says.
:'''Will''': Well, I mean...
:'''Abby''': He's completely full of ''shit''! Like, seriously? Our meat loaf is, like, what put us on the map! I mean, it's great!
:'''Nick''': I don't like the meat loaf.
:'''Abby''': (flabbergasted) You really don't?
:'''Nick''': I honestly don't.
:'''Mini''': We had it the other night together.
:'''Abby''': What? What-what didn't you like about it?
:'''Mini''': I think our food is mediocre, if it's not...
:'''Abby''': Mini-Me, seriously!? You're telling me now you don't like it!?
:'''Mini''': We eat it because we're here. This is not my restaurant of choice. I will not dine here in my off time.
:'''Abby''': You're saying, for what we serve -- comfort food, meat loaf, pastas, steak, whatever -- you're saying, for those--
:'''Mini''': It's not up to par even for that.
:''(the rest of the staff concurs)''
:'''Abby''': So now you're all telling me that you don't like the menu?
:''(the staff nods their heads, and Abby looks disappointed)''
:'''Abby''': (testimonial) I feel stabbed in the back, I guess. (back at the staff meeting) You're just hitting me with this, now?
:'''Nick''': You know what we're up against if we even opened our mouths about the menu once? Every time we open our mouths, &quot;Fuck off!&quot; &quot;Fuck you!&quot; &quot;You don't know anything!&quot; We're all at a point now where we're just like, &quot;If this is what she wants, let's just serve it out! We'll take it out of the window and bring it to the table!&quot;
:'''Mini''': We were trying to make the best out of it.
:'''Nick''': What are we going to have an opinion about now?
:'''Abby''': Oh, you're so full of shit! (walks out of the meeting)
:'''Mini''': (tries to bring Abby back) No, no, no, no.
:'''Abby''': You're so full of fuck! No!
:'''Mini''': Talk to us! (testimonial) Without a doubt, she's in denial.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]''
:'''Gordon''': You haven't got a head chef?
:'''Abby''': Jimmy is my head chef.
:'''Gordon''': So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.
:'''Abby''': Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?
:'''Gordon''': Why don't we what?!
:'''Abby''': I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.
:'''Gordon''': Has nothing to do with me?
:'''Abby''': No.
:'''Gordon''': Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--
:'''Abby''': You're being a fucking asshole! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!
:'''Gordon''': Hold - hold on a minute! You're calling me a fucking asshole?!
:'''Abby''': I am!
:'''Gordon''': You stuck-up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!
:'''Abby''': Oh, boy. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me!
:'''Abby''': I'm not going to listen to you.
:'''Gordon''': You're in denial!
:'''Abby''': I'm not in denial!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, you are! Yes, you are! You can't even accept it!
:'''Abby''': Fuck you!
:'''Gordon''': And you walk out again!
:'''Abby''': I am! (Flips off Gordon) Fuck you! (walks upstairs)
:'''Gordon''': There you go. Flip the bird? That's your attitude? (to Rico) And that's your partner? I'm really sorry, but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's deluded, that woman.
:'''Abby''': You are insane!
:'''Gordon''': Blame me all you want! Easy excuse, isn't it? You're insane!
:'''Abby''': I'm insane? You're insane! You're fucking insane!
:'''Gordon''': You can't even handle the fucking truth!
:'''Abby''': That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.
:'''Gordon''': You're in denial. Flip out again!
:'''Abby''': I would NEVER allow that refrigerator to go like that!
:'''Gordon''': And those BONES?! The mouldy lamb bones?!
:'''Abby''': I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the fuck out of my restaurant?!
:'''Gordon''': You want me to go? I will go.
:'''Abby''': I would love you to go! Get the fuck out of my restaurant, please!
:'''Gordon''': You are SO in denial, you need THERAPY!
:'''Abby''': You're a disgrace to this industry! Fuck you, get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?
:'''Gordon''': (to the cameraman) Not now, guys, please, Please, please.
:'''Abby''': Fuck him.

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 5 [4.08] ===
Three worst inspections
:'''Narrator''': When Chef Ramsay goes to work on any of the restaurants, he always does a thorough kitchen inspection. And while some are absolutely fine, others are a disgusting mess. Here are the three worst inspections in ''Kitchen Nightmares'' history.
:Number three: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Fiesta_Sunrise_.5B2.10.5D Fiesta Sunrise], a Mexican restaurant in West Nyack, New York.
:Number two: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Seascape_Inn_.5B1.04.5D Seascape Inn], a family restaurant in Islip, New York.
:And number one: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Dillon.27s_.5B1.02.5D Dillon's], an Indian restaurant in New York City.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
Gordon's top three fights of all time
:'''Narrator''': ''Kitchen Nightmares'' has seen its shares of arguments, but we've selected the three biggest blow-ups.
:We begin with number three, which took place at [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Peter.27s_.5B1.01.5D Peter's] in Babylon, New York, where Peter took his anger out not at Chef Ramsay, but on a bill collector.
:Number two goes to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Sebastian.27s_.5B1.06.5D Sebastian's] in Burbank, California, where this owner ''(Sebastian)'' had trouble facing the truth, and he literally chased Chef Ramsay down.
:And the number one spot goes to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#The_Secret_Garden_.5B1.10.5D Secret Garden] in Moorpark, California, where Gordon had seen enough of owner Michel's antics.

=== Tavolini [4.09] ===

=== Kingston Cafe [4.10] ===

:''(Gordon is lifting a tray with about 30 salads in martini glasses)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. You are kidding me. Jesus Christ! Who's doing all this? Oh, my good God.
:'''Una''': Um, Gordon, if you continue like that, Jesus Christ is actually going to appear.
:'''Gordon''': I hope so, because that's what's needed right now.

=== La Frite [4.11] ===

=== Capri [4.12] ===

:'''Jim''': Ready to get out of the business?
:'''Jeff''': No. Don't say that. (cries)
:'''Jim''': Come on, stop crying. Fucking grow up, you pussy!
:'''Jeff''': Fuck you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Thanks to Chef Ramsay's encouragement, Jeff jumps back into the kitchen and tries to help his brother Jim.
:'''Jeff:''' Keep it up Jim. You're doing a good job.
:'''Narrator:''' But unfortunately, he only makes matters worse.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[looking at a raw chicken breast]'' Jim, what have you done to those?
:'''Jim:''' I don't know what happened to those. I really don't.
:'''Gordon:''' You defrosted them in the bag?
:'''Jim:''' I think I defrosted them in the bag and I...
:'''Gordon:''' Jeff.
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah?
:'''Gordon:''' The chicken tenders. What did you do to defrost them?
:'''Jeff:''' I put it on the steam table.
:'''Gordon:''' You defrosted them in the steam table from frozen?
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my god.
:'''Jeff:''' Not what you're supposed to do?
:'''Gordon:''' No! Frozen food needs to be defrosted naturally.
:'''Jim:''' Right.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me the bag. Where's the bag? ''[takes the bag from Jim]'' Fucking shit! ''[opens the bag to find slimy chicken]'' Oh, god almighty! We can't serve them! You'll fucking kill somebody! Jim, talk to me!
:'''Jim:''' What am I supposed to say? It's a mistake.
:'''Gordon:''' It's a lethal mistake! Is that what I ate lunch time?
:'''Jim:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, fuck me! I've been feeling a little bit crap all afternoon. What are you two doing?
:'''Jim:''' I fucked up.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;I fucked up&quot;?
:'''Jim:''' Well, what do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon:''' I want you to step up to the plate and be a man!
:'''Jim:''' I screwed up!
:'''Gordon:''' You haven't told anyone yet.
:'''Jim:''' (interview) He was just being a jerk! He's an ass. I'm so tired of him just pushing and pushing!
:'''Gordon:''' Grow some fucking balls and take it off the menu!
:'''Jim:''' (interview) I've had enough. I'm so pissed! I can only take so much before I fight back.
:'''Jeff:''' (Jim steps out of the kitchen and walks into the dining room.) Jim! Jim!
:'''Jim:''' Out of the way! (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen! Due to certain circumstance, we have no chicken tonight. (Gordon groans) My apology to everyone here. If you just want to have what you're eating now and leave, I understand fully and I apologize.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, there may have been a more subtle way of doing that.
:'''Jim:''' Get out of my way, prick! We canceled all our chicken orders. We got screwed!
:'''Gordon:''' Will you stop acting like a baby?
:'''Jim:''' Oh, blow it out your ass!
:'''Gordon:''' Excuse me?!
:'''Jim:''' You heard it!
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, you need a little diaper changing? That time of night?
:'''Jim:''' I'll give you something!
:'''Gordon:''' A little poo-poo? Cacked your pants?
:'''Jim:''' (interview) He's the baby. He's the one that's whining over everything. I don't need to hear this crap.
:'''Gordon:''' Jim, why do you have to behave like this?
:'''Jim:''' I'm not going to get yelled at!
:'''Gordon:''' You're walking around like a big baby. I'm just asking you to grow up a little bit! Show a little respect for what you're trying to cook.
:'''Jim:''' Fuck off!
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! You big wet noodle! Do you want a blanket and a bottle?
:'''Jim:''' Do you need one? Upside the head?
:'''Jeff:''' Jim, stop it, please.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my god. What a spoiled brat!
:'''Jim:''' Fuck you!
:'''Jeff:''' Jim, shut up, please! You're not helping the cause. (Jim's pan catches fire.)
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! Now he's setting himself on fire.
:'''Jim:''' I hope so.
:'''Gordon:''' (To Darian) Are they always acting this childish?
:'''Darian:''' Oh, yeah. They don't get their way, they cry or throw a temper tantrum.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God. To walk into the dining room like that and scream.
:'''Darian:''' That's what I said. A temper tantrum. (interview) There's a part of me that's very satisfied to see the boys finally get what they deserve. A lesson in humility. (back in the kitchen) Hahaha!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, today can be summed up in one four-letter word: lazy. I can't even start to help both of you when you're not even helping yourselves. I really needed you to do something. Both of you, go through your kitchen and clean it. Not your staff. You. Both of you. Got it?
:'''Jeff and Jim''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Good night. Get to work. ''[leaves]''
:'''Jeff''': (interview) We were lazy. Now we're paying for it. We're failures.
:'''Jeff''': Yay.
:'''Jim''': ''[sobbing while cleaning a refrigerator grate]'' It's making it dirtier. Can't...do this.
:'''Jeff''': What's wrong Jim?
:'''Jim''': I can't clean anything. I'm a failure. I'm making a mess. (interview) I feel bad. We are in trouble. I really don't know if we can fix it. That's the problem.
:'''Jim''': I'm not cleaning anything up.
:'''Jeff''': Go take a break Jim.
:'''Jim''': No, I can't take a break, cause I'm too lazy as it is. I'm fine. I got to clean this up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeff:''' By the way, we have HOMEMADE MEATBALLS!

=== Zeke's [4.13] ===
:'''Gordon:''' I saw on the menu, the &quot;Oysters--&quot;
:'''Candace:''' The Oysters Cortello.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[gives her a meaningful look]''
:'''Candace:''' It's an invented dish for our restaurant. The Cortellos are Darryl and Ellen, so they made it up.
:'''Gordon:''' So the owners have named an oyster after them?
:'''Candace:''' Yes, they have.
:'''Gordon:''' They bought the restaurant, now they want their name on the menu.
:'''Candace:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Sounds like someone's struggling for power!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Sampling the 'Oysters Cortello']''
:'''Gordon:''' Wow. They're dreadful. Oysters named after the owner? I sure wouldn't put my name on that. I wouldn't even put my enemy's name on that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Darryl, the owner, has divided the entrees in small portions in order to cut costs]''
:'''Gordon:''' How does this work? Emil, when were these done?
:'''Emil:''' Last night.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are they bagged?
:'''Emil:''' He portions them out to order.
:'''Gordon:''' Really? ''[Watches Darryl's side-eye]'' What's the idea of putting everything in bags?
:'''Emil:''' Portion size.
:'''Gordon:''' Portion size?
:'''Darryl:''' ''[interview]'' I like to have everything in quantitative perspective. If I give too much, you get a &lt;i&gt;happy&lt;/i&gt; customer here, you don't get a &lt;i&gt;good&lt;/i&gt; customer. They're happy because they're getting three times what they should be getting, and I'm getting nothing. I don't make money on that.
:'''Gordon:''' It's food. We're not cutting, uh, piping for the bathroom.

=== Oceana [4.14] ===

:''[Gordon's blackened duck has been sent back to the kitchen]''
:'''Moe:''' Oh, my God. ''[groans]'' It's tough?
:'''Rami:''' Look how tough the duck is! 
:'''Moe:''' You said it's tough?
:'''Rami:''' It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... ''[tries to cut it]''
:'''Damon:''' It is ''not'' tough.
:'''Rami:''' The meat is tough!
:'''Moe:''' I'm hungry and I'm going to eat it my fucking self.
:'''Rami:''' Enjoy it then!
:'''Moe:''' ''[interview]'' That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going ''nowhere''. This is going to stay quacking on ''my'' menu.
:'''Moe:''' I don't give a fuck if he doesn't like it. ''[takes a bite]'' Man, this duck is so fucking good, man. ''(interview)'' Oh my gosh. (Kisses).
:'''Moe:''' Hey look, that's the skin.
:'''Rami:''' It's tough. ''(interview)'' Moe doesn't get it. He doesn't want to listen, he still thinks it's tender. I don't know what kind of teeth he has.
:'''Moe:''' You know what? I'd like him to come back here and cook the duck and show him what his duck gonna look like. We're going to call it the &quot;Gordon duck!&quot; ''(laughs; Gordon can hear it.)'' It's going to be a British duck right there! ''(laughs)''
:'''Gordon:''' What the hell's going on in there?
:'''Rami:''' How's it going, Chef?
:'''Gordon:''' They're laughing. What is going on in there?
:'''Rami:''' The food is coming back to the kitchen and they think it's a joke.
:'''Gordon:''' Um, can I meet the chef?
:'''Rami:''' Absolutely.
:'''Damon:''' ''[Mocks Gordon back in the kitchen]'' &quot;It's bloody dreadful! Fucking bloody!&quot;
:'''Moe:''' ''[interview]'' Chef Ramsay is clueless. I really don't think that British can cook. Period.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Damon, executive chef? How long have you been here?
:'''Damon:''' About six and a half months.
:'''Gordon:''' I don't know where to start, but here's the thing: the food is embarrassing. No passion, no flavour. The crab cakes, they weren't made fresh. Do you freeze crab cakes? Damon?
:'''Damon:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't freeze them? Soggy, covered in sauce?
:'''Rami:''' Chef, I'd like to step on this side, to be on your side, because they do freeze the crab cakes. (interview) I had to step from that line and go to Chef Ramsay's side. How is he going to help us if you're lying to him?
:'''Gordon:''' Why are we lying to each other here? Are they frozen, yes or no?
:'''Damon:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' They are? Why do you want to bullshit me? I could taste they're frozen.
:'''Moe:''' But there's a good reason why we freeze the crab cakes.
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me the good reason behind freezing crab cakes.
:'''Moe:''' Because we don't have enough customers here to serve the crab cakes, so the only thing to prevent them from going bad is to freeze them.
:'''Gordon:''' Why make so many?
:'''Moe:''' The batch is big basically.
:'''Gordon:''' I don't understand this.
:'''Rami:''' Why would you make a big batch?
:'''Moe:''' (interview) Rami... fuck you, you just sold me out to fucking Chef Ramsay!
:'''Gordon:''' Damon, when was the duck cooked?
:'''Damon:''' I can't give you an answer.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, come on! I mean, what the fuck is this?
:'''Damon:''' I don't know.
:'''Gordon:''' (flabbergasted) You don't know when the duck was cooked?!
:'''Damon:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you know when the duck was cooked?
:'''Chef:''' No sir, I don't.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you know when the duck was cooked?
:''[another chef shakes his head]''
:'''Gordon:''' Holy shit!
:'''Moe:''' I know when the fucking duck was cooked! I know!
:'''Gordon:''' Well, thank fuck for that!! Solve the mystery!!
:'''Moe:''' We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month. 
:'''Gordon:''' You cook the duck ''off the premises''?
:'''Moe:''' Yes, in our commissary kitchen.
:'''Gordon:''' And it stays in the fridge for a ''month''?!
:'''Damon:''' Freezer.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, shit! So, you cook the duck, you freeze it, and then you bring it in like a shipment?
:'''Damon:''' How many fucking times do you want me to say it?
:'''Gordon:''' Because I'm fucking embarrassed! You're just bullshitting me because you haven't got the balls to step up to the fucking plate!
:'''Damon:''' (approaches Gordon and gets in his face) Well, this is me stepping up to the fucking plate!
:'''Gordon:''' WELL, TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH THEN!!
:'''Damon:''' What the fuck else do you need to know?!
:'''Gordon:''' The truth!!
:''[Rami and Moe push Damon back]''
:'''Rami:''' You can't do that! You can't do that!
:'''Gordon:''' HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!!
:'''Rami:''' You need to chill out! You cannot do that! He's here to help us fix the problem!
:'''Gordon:''' Do I not deserve the fucking truth? I asked you if (the crab cakes) are frozen, you lied. I said when did you cook the duck? &quot;I don't know.&quot; Why couldn't you be honest? If that's how deluded you guys are, that you can't even tell me the truth, I'm really sorry. I'm not here to help fucking liars, let me tell you that. Do you know what? I don't know where to even start. (leaves) Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finds a container of spoiled shrimp) What's this? Oh, fucking hell.
:'''Moe''': Oooooh...
:'''Gordon''': (smells the shrimp) Oh my... (starts coughing and then throws up in a bin) Shit! How old are they?
:'''Damon''': I don't know.
:'''Gordon''': Just smell them. (Damon smells) Smell them.
:'''Moe''': (smelling) Oh! (interview) The smell was like &quot;Argh!&quot; I had no idea... Chef... Damon was doing such a shitty job.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the colour of them! All this shit is tarnished now, the whole fucking lot is tainted!
:'''Rami''': (interview) It's just... unacceptable. I mean Chef Damon should know better, he's an executive chef.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand the method in your madness.
:'''Damon''': Hey, asshole, I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday! I asked my prepper--
:'''Gordon''': You can call me a fucking arsehole all you want. So get fucking angry with me.
:'''Damon''': You're standing right here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer, not mine.
:'''Gordon''': Right, who's the fucking chef around here?
:'''Damon''': I am.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Bags of jambalaya, in the fridge, warm. Have you any idea what happens to jambalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the centre?
:'''Prep Chef''': Grows the bacteria?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Grows the bacteria&quot;? (Finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling, &quot;chef,&quot; over the next fucking three months? Lost for words? (Flabbergasted) ''Really?!'' Another box of crab cakes. When were these made? No date, you see, &quot;chef.&quot;
:'''Moe''': (Interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jambalaya, crawfish étouffée thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon basically just took the money right out of our pockets.
:'''Gordon''': (Finds a dirty tray) I don't what you ''think'' you should be taking out of containers... and sort of... cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One fucking question to you: who's the arsehole now, &quot;chef&quot;?
:'''Damon''': I am. (his eyes twitch)
:'''Gordon''': I didn't come in here to humiliate you. But how DARE you serve me food from this disgusting fridge, then STAND there, and call me an arsehole, &quot;chef&quot;?! Excuse me... &quot;chef.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon walks to where the grill is smoking]''
:'''Gordon''': Who told you to put oil under there?
:'''Chef''': Damon.
:'''Gordon''': The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) Fucking shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' I NEED THIS FUCKING PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE ''CLEAN''! WHAT PART DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?! ''[throws down a chair]'' WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT SHIT!!! CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' Today is a wake up call for us. The person who is running this kitchen is not up to this job. He's made a lot of damages to this restaurant and we need to tell him that he needs to go.
:'''Rami:''' Yeah, that's what we should've done a long time ago.
:'''Moe:''' Can you please go get Chef Damon?
:'''Rami:''' (interview) It was always my suggestion that we have to let Chef Damon go, but Moe always told me that he can do the job. Finally, Moe has realized that he's not the right guy for us. 
:''[Rami goes in the kitchen and comes back out with Damon]''
:'''Moe''': Today was a wake up call for me. Chef Ramsay came here and he went to the back and he pointed out all things that are going wrong. Right now, I feel like you are part of this problem.
:'''Damon''': I'm not, Moe.
:'''Moe''': How can you not know that you're not supposed to put the jambalaya when it's hot in the walk in? How can you not know that? You're an executive chef! How can you not know that? Can you explain?
:'''Damon''': I didn't do it. Our prep people did it. I didn't realize that they did it and I've coached them repeatedly to not do that.
:'''Moe''': Chef, the problem is excuses. Every time I tell you we have an issue, you just hit me with nothing but excuses and I'm at a point where I cannot take any more excuses. Do you understand that? Do you understand? We cannot afford to have any more shit happen today! We've lost about five grand! WE SHUT DOWN THE RESTAURANT TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THE KITCHEN ISSUES!! Do you understand that? (Damon nods) It's the problem and right now you're the one who caused the problem! Do you understand that? Today, I've made a decision. With all due respect chef, today's your last day at the restaurant. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?
:'''Moe:''' (points to his head) Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Moe:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' So why aren't they on paper? Why haven't we got a database?
:'''Moe:''' I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking hell. Oh, Jesus Christ. So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.
:'''Moe:''' Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.
:'''Gordon:''' Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?
:'''Rami:''' This is what we do everyday chef. ''[Gordon laughs]''
:'''Moe:''' You think it's funny but believe what I tell you. 
:'''Gordon:''' I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.
:'''Moe:''' Well you know what? The recipes are in my ''head.''
:'''Gordon:''' ''(incredulously)'' Are you ''stupid?!''
:'''Moe:''' I am not stupid.
:'''Rami:''' Moe, you ''are'' stupid. ''(interview)'' The kitchen absolutely don't know what the fuck to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.
:'''Moe:''' Don't call me stupid in my fucking restaurant! You understand that you need to learn how to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!
:'''Gordon:''' ''Wow...''
:'''Moe:''' This is New Orleans! Don't fucking come down here talking to us like that!
:'''Gordon:''' Calm down...
:'''Moe:''' I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! ''(in interview)'' We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the fucking alligators!
:'''Gordon:''' I'm not here to blow smoke up your fucking arse, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?
:'''Moe:''' No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....
:'''Gordon:''' But you're a...&quot;busy idiot.&quot;
:'''Moe:''':....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.
:'''Rami:''' But you're not getting that he's here to help us.
:'''Moe:''' But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling ''me'' an idiot.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Busy&quot; idiot.
:'''Moe:''' Busy idiot.
:'''Gordon:''' You're working hard in the wrong places.
:'''Moe:''' I mean, I feel like flipping the fucking table right now.
:'''Rami:''' Did you hear what he just said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.
:'''Moe:''' Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! ''(in interview)'' I will stand up, beat the fuck out of him, and show him who the fucking idiot is!
:'''Gordon:''' What is it you want? A fight?
:'''Moe:''' (''long pause)'' My problem is, I want to make this restaurant successful.
:'''Gordon:''' So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your fucking staff. Well, let me tell you, ''Moe'', I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the fuck what you want to do. But ''don't'' fuck with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rami:''' Busy idiot's a compliment. He's from British. He doesn't speak English.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' If I don't like the changes, I will send him back to British with a black eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Moe thinks that running a restaurant on bourbon street is all about having a good time when it should be about dedication and striving for success. That's why I'm not sure that Oceana will be here next year when I come back. Wow. &quot;I've got all the recipes inside my head.&quot; Unbelievable.

== Season 5 ==

=== Blackberry's [5.01] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon sees a wok where Shelly's cooking her food on]''
:'''Gordon:''' Am I seeing right? You've got a three-burner wok there. Is that a pizza oven?
:'''Shelly:''' Yes, that is my pizza oven. And the wok. I love it, chef.
:'''Portia:''' (passes between Gordon and Shelly) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Shelly, how can you cook soul food in a wok?
:'''Shelly:''' Watch me, chef! Watch me!
:'''Mateen:''' (interview) Soul food is supposed to be cooked slowly. Soul food is cooked with love and soul. Not in a wok. Shelly's cooking green beans in a wok, cooking rice in a wok, cabbage in a wok. We're not a Chinese soul-food restaurant. We don't need a wok, okay?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Mateen) That's a first to me. A Southern food restaurant with a Chinese wok and a pizza oven?
:'''Mateen:''' Yeah, the oven that doesn't work, right there.
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me what's working, apart from you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon has been accused of planting a dead mouse at the restaurant door]''
:'''Gordon:''' I walked in the front door - a mouse.
:'''Shelly:''' The mouse that you planted, I know. They told me. But it's okay!
:'''Gordon:''' No, it's not okay.
:'''Shelly:''' It's a show.
:'''Gordon:''' It's got nothing do with TV, nothing to do with your business in the shit. I am ''not'' going to stand there and even ''attempt'' to take that crap from you. You can take your restaurant, and stick it. I am gone. I'm out of here.
:'''Shelly:''' You're out of here? ''I'm'' out of here. (pushing past the others) Excuse me, go. See you later. Shut it down! Let's go, it's over.

=== Leone's [5.02] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon is inspecting the kitchen during service]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is that in there? What is that?
:'''Michael:''' I think it's veal, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You think it's veal?
:'''Michael:''' Pretty sure it's veal.
:'''Gordon:''' You didn't put it in there.
:'''Michael:''' No, I didn't.
:'''Carchi:''' Darryl, what is that?
:'''Darryl:''' It looks like meat thrown in a pan.
:'''Michael:''' What is it though?
:'''Darryl:''' I don't know. It's not labeled.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! Fucking-- Hey. Forget the orders for five minutes. (to Carchi) Come around, you. Darryl, come 'round. Don't worry about the cooking for now. I got more fucking issues. When was the last time this was organised?
:'''Darryl:''' It hasn't been organized.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, come on. ''[pulls out a jar from the fridge]'' What's that?
:'''Darryl:''' Molasses.
:'''Gordon:''' Molasses?
:'''Darryl:''' Yeah, that's been in there since last Thanksgiving.
:'''Gordon:''' ''What?!'' It's July! What's that? ''[pulls out an old piece of meat from a container]'' Oh, my God! ''[sniffs the old meat]'' Oh, shit. This is raw pork. It's not ''my'' that you served to me, is it?
:'''Carchi:''' No, that's the, uh, the old pork that got left in there.
:'''Gordon:''' That's the old pork?! When's this one from? Not Thanksgiving again? Stuffed what?!
:'''Darryl:''' Mushrooms.
:'''Gordon:''' Smell that! ''[brings the container to Carchi's nose]'' Smell it! That's fucking older than me! Smell it! Go on! ''[brings the container to Darryl's nose]''
:'''Michael:''' That's your sauce, Darryl.
:'''Gordon:''' What in the fuck is this? ''[Gordon pulls out an old piece of fish]'' Oh, my God! Is that flounder?
:'''Michael:''' It's definitely old.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Definitely old&quot;?! It's ''green!'' Smell that. ''[brings the flounder to Diana's nose]''
:'''Diana:''' (interview) It was embarrassing. It was mortifying. He comes in something that is easily identifiable, and no one noticed?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Michael) Smell it!
:'''Diana:''' (interview) How is that possible?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Let's go, come here. How can we work like that? You've got ingredients from LAST Thanksgiving! Did you smell the flounder?
:'''Chef:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Did you see the cooked chicken, the raw pork, the raw veal? It's a joke! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Under no circumstances, can we continue to serve food. Shut the place down!

=== Mike &amp; Nellie's [5.03] ===

=== Luigi's D'Italia [5.04] ===
:'''Gordon:''' Wow, it's crazy. How does the family restaurant not run as a family?
:'''Dominica:''' They don't get along.
:'''Grace:''' Because he doesn't belong in this restaurant. (to Luigi) Is is true, or no?
:'''Luigi:''' Yeah. We have laziness, it's like an infection. What happens is, when Tony is here, and Linda's here, they have no understanding that number one is the customer. No sitting around. No looking at the TV.
:'''Gordon:''' Watching TV when customers come? Is that true?
:'''Tony:''' I don't -- I don't think that's true.
:'''Grace:''' Tony, he don't care about the customer. He wants to sit and play the computer.
:'''Tony:''' I care about this restaurant. Now, honestly...
:'''Grace:''' No. He play with the computer here, come on!
:'''Luigi:''' The complaints say the people feel neglected.
:'''Tony:''' But the complaints, like, &quot;I don't want to come here when she's there!&quot;
:'''Gordon:''' Customers that don't want to come when you're working? What's that all about?
:'''Grace:''' I don't know. 
:'''Gordon:''' I was just asking. I'm listening.
:'''Tony:''' She's got people that she kisses ass, and they love her. She's got other people that gets blunt in her face, and hate her. Is it right to basically go up to the customer and say, &quot;Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here&quot;?
:'''Grace:''' '''NO! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I DIDN'T SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot; NOW TELL THAT IS FULL OF SHIT, OKAY? SAY THE TRUTH!'''
:'''Tony:''' That's what you said.
:'''Grace:''' NO! I DIDN'T SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Linda:''' (to Gordon) This is what happens.
:'''Grace:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. (to Gordon) You tell, I did it right or did it wrong?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm just trying to figure out what happened. I mean, I wasn't here. Did she say, &quot;Fuck you&quot;? Did she not say, &quot;Fuck you&quot;?
:'''Tony:''' I thought she did.
:'''Luigi:''' She said that to you.
:'''Tony:''' Oh, yes, she did.
:'''Gordon:''' What did you hear?
:'''Luigi:''' She didn't say that. She said that to you! You forget!
:'''Tony:''' No, no. She got into...
:'''Luigi:''' Why are you forgetful? YOU GOT TO BE HONEST!
:'''Tony:''' I'm being honest!
:'''Luigi:''' You want this guy (Gordon) to help you, or not?
:'''Tony:''' I'm trying to get him to help me!
:'''Luigi:''' Then, you got to say what it is!
:'''Tony:''' I AM!
:'''Luigi:''' NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LYING!
:'''Tony:''' I'M NOT LYING! YOU GUYS ARE LYING!
:'''Luigi:''' &quot;I think she said, 'Fuck you!'&quot; YOU THINK OR SHE DID?
:'''Grace:''' OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
:'''Tony:''' SHE DID SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Luigi:''' WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE TO TALK?! We are losing the business...
:'''Grace:''' (points at Tony) '''BECAUSE OF HIM!!! BECAUSE OF HIM!!!'''
:'''Tony:''' (to Gordon) See, that's why we don't get along.

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 6 [5.05] ===

=== Greek at the Harbor [5.06] ===

=== Burger Kitchen (Part 1) [5.07] ===

:'''Gordon:''' ''[reads menu]'' Executive chef... David Blaine?
:'''Alan:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' What, the magician?
:'''Alan:''' No, no, no, he's not the magician. He's just coincidentally the same name. He was the head pastry chef at the Peninsula Hotel.
:'''Gordon:''' Now he's the executive chef of the burger restaurant?
:'''Alan:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' David Copperfield your dessert chef?
:'''Alan:''' ''[flatly]'' No.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David:''' I follow the recipes as I am told by the owners and if I try to change the recipes, I am tossed out of here. 
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Alan:''' That's not quite true.
:'''David:''' It's not true?
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, guys, man up.
:'''David:''' ''[mutters]'' Been drinking again.
:'''Gordon:''' ''Drinking'' again?
:'''Gen:''' My husband doesn't drink.
:'''David:''' I don't know. I don't know. I can't get the truth out of anybody here.
:'''Gordon:''' Explain this to me, Gen. 
:'''Gen:''' He does have a lot of control in the kitchen.
:'''David:''' That's not true, chef.
:'''Gen:''' What about the mushrooms? You changed the whole recipe and you added wine.
:'''David:''' You didn't want ''salt'' on the mushrooms. Let's tell the truth.
:'''Gen:''' Did you add wine to the mushroom recipe?
:'''David:''' That's how you make sautéed mushrooms.
:'''Gen:''' I just asked you a question. Did you add wine?
:'''David:''' Yes, ma'am.
:'''Gen:''' You didn't tell anyone that you added wine to the mushrooms.
:'''Alan:''' Honey, you're missing the point. You're focusing on a ''mushroom''.
:'''Gen:''' Mushrooms are important to me. I'm from Poland.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in disbelief]''
:'''David:''' I think a lot of the problem is, instead of putting sugar in that coffee, put a little [[w:Prozac|Prozac]] in it.
:'''Gen:''' David, I just want the truth.
:'''David:''' This is the truth: I would be better off as a brain surgeon than you running this restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David:''' That Gen is a liar, dude. She can't tell the truth.
:'''Chef:''' She's crazy.
:'''David:''' The whole place should be on fuck LSD, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gen:''' ''[giving David his final paycheck]'' And for the record, I'm not on Prozac dear.
:'''David:''' And for the record, YOU SHOULD BE!!

=== Burger Kitchen (Part 2) [5.08] ===

=== Michon's [5.09] ===

=== El Greco [5.10] ===
:''[Gordon walks outside the restaurant after seeing all the food being microwaved]''
:'''Gordon:''' This is incredible. The minute you walk into a restaurant with an open kitchen and all the chefs are facing out as opposed to standing in front of the stove, get out. That's what's happening here. Unbelievable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After sampling the lamb shank]''
:'''Gordon:''' Now there's a very anaemic-looking lamb shank. Look at the presentation. It's depressing. Almost like it's been in the microwave for an hour. Surely, they wouldn't microwave a lamb shank. I'm a little bit nervous at how grey the meat is. That is way too salty and badly balanced. (to Dustin) Dustin, I mean... it's so salty. Who cooked that, Dustin?
:'''Dustin:''' That's Chef Mike.
:'''Gordon:''' Chef who?
:'''Dustin:''' Chef Mike. ...It's a microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' I thought it was a third chef!
:'''Dustin:''' It kind of is. He does a lot of work in the kitchen.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh.
:'''Dustin:''' ''[to audience]'' We use Chef Mike a lot. Whenever there's lights on in this restaurant, Chef Mike's working. He's a dedicated employee.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Gordon goes to confront Jake about the kitchen’s constant microwaving of food]''
:'''Gordon:''' Greek restaurant? More like a Greek tragedy.
:'''Jake:''' (interview) It pisses me off. What I think about my food is, it's healthy, it's fresh, it's—it's good. It's damn good.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, reheated microwave food.
:'''Jake:''' Listen, it's not microwave food. I mean, how else am I gonna reheat it? You're breaking my balls about getting—reheating it in a microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[points to one of the chefs]'' He's been cooking 14 years. There's a whole stove there; it’s not even being used! And this guy ''(Chef Mike)'' is like this... ''[opens and closes microwave door three times]'' Come on, Jake! Fuck me.
:'''Jake:''' (interview) I don't use the word “microwave.” I'm not cooking it in the microwave. I'm reheating it in the microwave. Big difference. There's a big difference. (normal) I don't think it compromises the food, reheating it that way, but I mean—
:'''Gordon:''' Say that again? You don't think it compromises the food?
:'''Jake:''' I don't think so.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God!
:'''Athena:''' Oh, they’re gonna have a big fight. Oh, my God. ''[begins praying]'' Please, God.
:'''Gordon:''' It doesn't compromise the standard of food? 
:'''Jake:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' Wow.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah, you fuck off. How's that? There we go. Go. Get out of my line.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake.
:'''Jake:''' I gotta—look, I'm trying to put out food...
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, Jake. Let me tell you something.
:'''Jake:''' ...I'm not here to talk about—
:'''Gordon:''' Take your head out of your arse and just start acting like a man and start taking responsibility for something, will you?
:'''Jake:''' I am taking responsibility for it.
:'''Gordon:''' You are? And you think it's smart, telling me to fuck off?
:'''Jake:''' I don’t want to fu—I don't want to fuck around.
:'''Gordon:''' So how about showing a little bit of respect for what you're doing?
:'''Jake:''' Go. Get off my line and let me do my job. Get out of here.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake... Jake, I'll go, with pleasure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[massive argument in the kitchen; all of Kiki’s dialogue is in Greek]''
:'''Gordon:''' The atmosphere in here is horrific. What's going on?
:'''Jake:''' I don't wanna be in here with these two. I really don't. Every time I walk in here, they look for something to complain at me, and then they both gang up on me. And I don't need you to—fucking—me coming in here and you guys yapping and yapping and yapping. I don't wanna hear that shit in the morning.
:'''Kiki:''' What’s he saying? What’s he saying?
:'''Athena:''' He says we constantly complain.
:'''Kiki:''' If we did things right, would we complain? If we did things right and he was worth something, would we complain?
:'''Athena:''' No.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah, whatever.
:'''Gordon:''' Why is she so upset?
:'''Kiki:''' Jake is a big idiot that sleeps until 5pm!
:'''Gordon:''' What was that bit?
:'''Kiki:''' Tell him.
:'''Jake:''' They say I don't come down on time.
:'''Athena:''' No, you never do.
:'''Jake:''' I don't.
:'''Athena:''' You never do.
:'''Jake:''' This is the reason.
:'''Athena:''' No! 
:'''Jake:''' All you do is yell and nag, Athena.
:'''Athena:''' You creating that!
:'''Jake:''' No, I don't create it.
:'''Athena:''' Yes.
:'''Jake:''' Athena, who the hell wants to come down early in the morning and listen to people yelling at them?
:'''Athena:''' I don't know what else I gonna do while I'm up to here with that. I get very upset!
:'''Jake:''' That's what I gotta put up with every morning.
:'''Athena:''' He doesn't give a damn...
:'''Gordon:''' He must give a damn; come on. He can't be that cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah...
:'''Athena:''' He is cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' ...and sometimes I don't. I mean, I don't wanna deal with this.
:'''Athena:''' He is cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' If you put up with this shit for two years, you're not gonna give a damn about it either. You won't!
:'''Gordon:''' They're not your friends; it’s your mum! And your aunt!
:'''Jake:''' Yeah.
:'''Athena:''' He doesn't give a damn about that.
:'''Jake:''' No, but... Why I should I give a damn when you're swearing at me? You're cursing me, you're calling me names all day long?
:'''Kiki:''' You donkey, you dirty bastard.
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) Yeah, dirty bastard.
:'''Kiki:''' Yes.
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) Yes.
:'''Kiki:''' Liar... Lazy bastard.
:'''Jake:''' This is what I gotta put up with every fucking morning.
:'''Kiki:''' All this is because of your laziness.
:'''Jake:''' Every morning. You know what?
:'''Kiki:''' All this is because of your laziness!
:'''Jake:''' You don't need to be here. You and her do not need to be here! I don't need this fucking stress!
:'''Kiki:''' Shame on you, you ass. What do you do here?
:'''Athena:''' (Greek) Calm down.
:'''Kiki:''' What do you do here? What do you know how to cook?
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) What do I do here? All I do is listen to your bullshit!
:'''Kiki:''' I can’t stand him. Only for her debt do I stay, just for her. I’m up to here! Why does your mother keep you here? You’re an animal! Donkey!
:'''Jake:''' Oh, please.
:'''Kiki:''' Get lost! Smelly bastard, go to Hell! 41 years old and your Mom feeds you. You should be ashamed!
:'''Athena:''' (Greek) Kiki, please.
:'''Kiki:''' And you, shut up! You have spoiled him! You’ve made him into an ass!
:'''Jake:''' You two need to just go home.
:'''Kiki:''' Why are you scared to talk back to him?
:'''Jake:''' Go home.
:'''Kiki:''' You made him into a donkey! The only way this restaurant will be fixed is if this guy leaves!
:'''Jake:''' No, I'd be better off with both of you staying home and let me do what I need to fucking do.
:'''Athena:''' Then '''do it!'''
:'''Jake:''' I will! Don't fucking come to work! You and her, leave!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 7 [5.11] ===

=== Park's Edge [5.12] ===
:''[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[showing moldy lemons]'' Look what's in the box. Who turns the produce over? Who rotates the freshness?
:'''Jorge''': That's my staff.
:'''Gordon''': Really? ''[tosses the lemons away]'' Fuck me! Seriously?
:'''Jorge''': Why throw my lemons like that for? Why are you taking my product and throwing it away?
:'''Gordon''': THEY'RE MOULDY, YOU PILLOCK! Do you want to see some more? Stay there! Chicken. ''[smells the chicken]'' Fucking hell! Look at this. What's this for? ''[Shows dehydrated potatoes]'' When were those made?
:'''Jorge''': Those were made today. Those are not going to be served to the public.
:'''Gordon''': They're not going to be served to the public.
:'''Jorge''': I'm telling you that I'm not going to serve those!
:'''Gordon''': So you're saving them for what? Talk to me then.
:'''Jorge''': Those were from this morning.
:'''Gordon''': YOU BULLSHITTING LITTLE FUCKER!!
:'''Jorge''': You're the little fucker! I'm telling you, those were made today.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, right!
:'''Jorge''': If you don't fucking believe me, that's your responsibility.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, so, you're lying through your teeth!
:'''Jorge''': I am not lying through my teeth.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, you are! You can't even tell me the truth. Do you know why? Because you don't know and you're a fucking joke!
:'''Jorge''': ''[throws the potatoes away]'' You're a joke too, man!
:'''Gordon''': Are you going to walk off then?
:'''Jorge''': All you're doing is hammering it!
:'''Gordon''': Do you know what? What upsets me more than anything is that you don't realise you're playing at running a restaurant. And the minute you start looking at yourself in the mirror and stop blaming the people around you, the quicker you may get this place turned around. Got it? Good! Fucking joke!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[During prep for relaunch night]''
:'''Jorge:''' Okay, so you do the frying station.
:'''Matt:''' I will not absolutely cook a chicken wing.
:'''Jorge:''' What's that?
:'''Matt:''' I don't feel comfortable frying a chicken wing.
:'''Jorge:''' Why not?
:'''Matt:''' Unless she wants to put on a pair of orange shorts and go out there serve it.
:'''Jorge:''' They're here to train us, okay. Are you going to turn around and give them a hard time? Check yourself before you check them out, okay? Not going to ask you again. (interview) He has this huge ego about frying chicken which is really irrelevant. He's here to do what I tell him to do, not what he wants to do.
:''[Jorge and Richard bring Matt outside to talk with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on?
:'''Matt''': You put a bunch of fucking chicken wings on the menu and I think somebody ought to fucking put on some orange shorts out there and serve it.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, so how about a little bit of respect and showing these two guys?
:'''Matt''': Well how about a little fucking respect a fine dining restaurant and not put fucking chicken wings on the menu?
:'''Gordon''': A fine dining restaurant?
:'''Jorge''': Are you fucking listening to us?
:'''Gordon''': Who the fuck do you think you are?
:'''Matt''': Who do you think I am? A guy who knows when a menu sucks!
:'''Gordon''': How dare you get jumped up and tell the owners that the menu's shit because you think you know better? Well, why aren't you doing better? Why haven't you got your own restaurant? How about having the intelligence to calm down and to start again?
:'''Jorge''': Is that possible? Yes or no?
:'''Matt''': It's possible.
:'''Richard''': Will you do it? Yes or no?
:'''Matt''': Yes.
:'''Richard''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[During dinner service for relaunch night]''
:'''Matt:''' This is fucking ridiculous!
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, Matt. I know you hate the wings but just serve them please. Hate me, don't hate the wings.
:'''Matt:''' You got your orange shorts? Orange shorts!
:'''Gordon:''' Cut the shit till the end of service. Okay big boy?
:'''Matt:''' Come on!
:'''Gordon:''' Hey you, why do you want to fuck around and take the piss? Let me tell you something really important.
:'''Matt:''' What's that?
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. I've fucking forgotten more than you know. Just serve the food and shut the fuck up, smart-arse!
:'''Jorge:''' Matt, what is the big deal?
:'''Matt:''' I'm trying to have a good time.
:'''Jorge:''' You're not having a good time, you're making life tough.
:'''Matt:''' I'm having a good time.
:'''Gordon:''' Why is he acting like that?
:'''Melanie:''' Because he's a jackass. (interview) Matt is beyond the weakest link. You're here to do a job, do it!
:'''Matt:''' Pork belly's in the window.
:'''Gordon:''' Matt, that's overcooked. I know you don't care but I do. And you're supposed to be working hard tonight to get this place turned around. Why are you now trying to sabotage it? Mr Shitter who thinks he can't fucking cook a chicken wing! Can't even drop a piece of pork belly in the fryer. Look at it, dry, piece of overcooked pork belly! You're going to start sending us down.
:'''Jorge:''' Matt, you're seriously want to fuck me over right now?
:'''Matt:''' No.
:'''Jorge:''' Why are you being a piece of shit with me?
:'''Richard:''' (interview) I don't know if there's something wrong with Matt or not. I'm not a violent man by any means, but if he fucks it up for me tonight, I will literally...do something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Matt sends a stone cold pork belly]''
:'''Jorge''': Matt, why are you fucking up service tonight? You're making me look like shit.
:'''Matt''': Chill out with the fucking drama.
:'''Jorge''': What did you say?
:'''Matt''': Chill out with the drama!
:'''Jorge''': Get out of here! Right now! Get the fuck out, right now! You know what? That's it. (shoves Matt) Get out of here!
:'''Matt''': Alright, fine. That's cool if you're going to be serious like that. (leaves)
:'''Richard''': Matt, see you!

=== Spin A Yarn [5.13] ===
:'''Gordon''': Look at that sign, a big capital &quot;S&quot;. Let's hope that doesn't stand for &quot;Shit&quot;!

=== Charlie's [5.14] ===
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tatiana about bad meatballs) What's your complaint about the meatballs?
:'''Tatiana:''' He said it was toasted on one side, not toasted on the other.
:'''Gordon:''' Really? How about telling your fucking chef?!
:'''Casimiro:''' Okay, you cook it!
:'''Gordon:''' Now he's getting upset with me because I called him out. When a guy can't make a meatball or even season one, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And then when I watch a chef that cooks and sticks food up there and holds it, and we're not talking homemade food, we're talking bought-in, store-bought. My God, it hurts.
:'''Casimiro:''' Okay, you cook it!
:'''Gordon:''' And look at that for a stinking attitude! Look at that! A disgusting attitude! Ask him to put his house in the fucking mix. If his house was on the line, he wouldn't be cooking like a fucking idiot! (Casimiro laughs) Now he thinks it's funny!
:'''Tatiana:''' What the fuck are we going to do?
:'''Gordon:''' You think it's funny? Yeah? It's a joke!
:'''Tatiana:''' (to Casimiro in Spanish) ¿Vas a cocinar? ''(Are you going to cook?)''
:'''Casimiro:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' What does he want to do?
:'''Tatiana:''' He doesn’t want to cook.
:'''Gordon:''' He don’t want to cook? (walks out) Get your head out of your arse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' When a chef outlasts two owners already, trust me, there something's not quite right...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tatiana''': Necesitamos hablar. ''(We need to talk)''
:'''Casimiro''': Si, dimelo. ¿Que pasa, niña? ''(Yeah, talk to me. What happened, my child?)''
:'''Tatiana''': Casimiro, yo pienso que los dos de usted necesitáis ir. ¿Esto me duele mucho, ok? ''(Casimiro, I think the two of you need to go. This hurts me a lot, ok?)''
:'''Casimiro''': Ok.
:'''Tatiana''': Lo siento mucho. Lo siento mucho, Casimiro. ''(I'm very sorry, I'm very sorry, Casimiro)''
:'''Casimiro''': Ok...
:'''Tatiana''': ''[while trying to hug him]'': Sorry, sorry...
:'''Casimiro''': No, no, no... lo sabía... lo sabía. ''(I knew it)''
:'''Casimiro''': ''[while walking out]'': Ciao, guys!

=== Cafe Hon [5.15] ===
:'''Gordon''': [Looking for the restaurant] Restaurant with flamingo. [Stops in surprise as he sees a giant pink flamingo above the restaurant] Holy Mackerel. Look at the size of that thing. Wow. Are you serious? Look at that. Wow, wow, wow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After dinner service chef Greg sitting out back as Chef Ramsay comes out as well]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, Jesus. Uh, what the fuck was that all about?
:'''Greg''': It's a shit job.
:'''Gordon''': Honestly?
:'''Greg''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes head) And is she always like that?
:'''Greg''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': How do you concentrate like that?
:'''Greg''': You can't. I mean, you really can't!
:'''Gordon''': Why would she 86 everything in the middle of service?
:'''Greg''': I cannot tell you.

=== Chiarella's [5.16] ===

=== Zocalo [5.17] ===

== Season 6 ==

=== La Galleria 33 (Part 1) [6.01] ===

=== La Galleria 33 (Part 2) [6.02] ===

=== Mama Maria's [6.03] ===

=== Ms. Jean's Southern Cuisine [6.04] ===

:''[Gordon has been served a pork chop so dry that he sets it upright on the plate]''

:'''Gordon:''' How sad is that? Honestly, come on. How...fucking...depressing...is that? It's like the map of America. ''[points around the pork chop]'' Start on the East Coast. There's California, where that little dark spot is. Come to central, Midwest. Then we have Seattle. We're here. ''[points]'' Pittsburgh. God bless America. ''[swats at a fly]'' Fuck off, fly.

=== Barefoot Bob's [6.05] ===
:''[Showing Marc and sous chef Chris the freezer and what he found in there]''
:'''Gordon''': Look. [Showing bag of pork belly that's raw]
:'''Chris''': Oh what, that is pork fat.
:'''Gordon''': Just hold that two seconds; that's next to this: [Pulls out container of chicken wings not frozen] Fucking wings, and the top is soaking wet because it's fucking full of condensation! And this! [Pulls container out] Who grabs that out there and doesn't think about changing the bowl. Who could be that dirty? Chili?
:'''Chris''': Chili.
:'''Gordon''': Shit around the outside. LOOK AT THE MESS OF THIS PLACE! It's fucking ridiculous! SOMEONE FUCKING MAN UP! [Stares at Chris who is petrified] Young man, you are running a business! Whole wings, next to the fucking raw pork? You'll kill everybody!

=== Revisited #8 [6.06] ===

=== Olde Hitching Post [6.07] ===
:'''Narrator:''' With Chef Ramsay hearing enough of the customer complaints, he decides he needs to further investigate the practices of the kitchen.
:''[Gordon opens up the bag of scallops]''
:'''Gordon:''' Dan?
:'''Dan:''' Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon:''' Do you buy them like that, in milk?
:'''Dan:''' No, we don't buy them like that.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are they like this? They're watery.
:'''Dan:''' Because, unfortunately, they are frozen ones. I know. Sorry.
:'''Gordon:''' Tom. I mean, honestly? Why are you doing this to yourself?
:'''Tom:''' Those were what they were.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are you doing this? ''[Smells his fingers]'' Just smell inside there. [''Smells scallops in the the bag]'' Come on. Just smell inside there.
:'''Tom:''' ''[Smells the scallops]'' Smells beautiful. Ocean fresh.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;It smells beautiful, ocean fresh?&quot; ''[Shakes his head]'' Kevin, can you get me Andrea, please?
:'''Kevin:''' Andrea! Help back, please?
:'''Andrea:''' Are you kidding me right now?
:'''Gordon:''' So, Andrea, come 'round, please. You got two seconds? The scallops we're serving? They're frozen ones. ''[Points to Tom]'' He's in denial!
:'''Tom:''' I have to talk to you.
:'''Andrea:''' ''(under)'' Relax, Dad.
:'''Tom:''' ''(over)'' No, no no. I need to talk to you.
:'''Andrea:''' Just talk.
:'''Tom:''' There's nothing wrong. I eat myself. If you pick up this bag, I pick 'em up myself this morning. If you take this bag, they've been in the freezer for one day, or twenty-four hours, and pick up this one, you're gonna find the same seafood quality.
:'''Gordon:''' I disagree.
:'''Tom:''' Go ahead and smell this one and smell that one. Tell me what the difference is.
:'''Gordon:''' You're trying to convince me that serving frozen food is better than fresh.
:'''Tom:''' It's not frozen!
:'''Gordon:''' They were in the fucking freezer. You buy them in the bulk fresh, you put them in the bags, you weigh them out...
:'''Tom:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' ...and you freeze them.
:'''Tom:''' Yes, I do.
:'''Gordon:''' And in the morning, you take out ten bags, you let them defrost, they sit in that piss like that, and then you cook them.
:'''Tom:''' Yes, I do that.
:'''Gordon:''' Right.
:'''Tom:''' But you will criticize me. The milk and the smell. You don't smell any different that one from this one. And I say they smell like ocean fresh, and they do!
:'''Gordon:''' So they smell the same once they've been frozen?
:'''Tom:''' It depends if you got 'em for one year in the freezer or one day. ''[Gordon looks in disgust]'' All right, all right.
:'''Gordon:''' You haven't got a clue what you're talking about! They smell fresher once they're defrosted? Shit! You're fucking loopy! They smell fresher after they've been frozen?! Oh, come on!
:'''Tom:''' Anybody's in the restaurant business...
:'''Gordon:''' ''What?!''
:'''Tom:''' ...no matter who he is.
:'''Gordon:''' Rule number one: when studying to be a chef, fresh food doesn't smell or taste fucking better once it's frozen! Shellfish is something you ''never'' freeze! And now, here you are lecturing me that that fucking thing is fresh!
:'''Tom:''' No! ''[Pounds the table]''
:''(After the commercial break)''
:'''Tom:''' It doesn't matter if it's frozen or not!
:'''Gordon:''' It doesn't matter if it's frozen or not?
:'''Tom:''' No!
:'''Gordon:''' You're trying to convince me that this idiotic setup is acceptable. Do you honestly think that your customers would be happy to pay for frozen shit being defrosted rapidly? They are under the impression in your fucking dining room that what you're cooking them is fresh! So, you're not going to convince me that this is better than serving it fresh! ''(To Andrea)'' What I've just said, does that make any sense?
:'''Andrea:''' Yes, it does.
:'''Gordon:''' It does? Thank God you're not as stubborn as your dad!
:'''Tom:''' (interview) If you don't like my food, don't even talk to me. I don't want you.

=== Levanti's Italian Restaurant [6.08] ===
''[Ramsay is inspecting the kitchen during dinner service, and has pulled out rotten chicken]''
:'''Gordon''': Dino? Urgently. That's the chicken we've been serving all night, yes? Why is it standing on that? Look how slimy it is! 
:'''Dino''': How old is that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[smells the chicken]'' Oh, my God! Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Tony, two seconds? Tina, you're part of this. ''[Tony and Tina approaches]''  What. In. The. Fuck. Are we doing? How old is that?
:'''Dino''': I don't know.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the colour of the chicken. Green, and stinking. Hold that. ''[gets the fish]'' What is that?
:'''Tina''': Cod.
:'''Gordon''': In what?! We're serving that! ''[Tony is flabbergasted, Tina hangs her head, and tries to walk out]'' Excuse me? ''[gets a container of sauce from the refrigerator]'' Look at the way we work. ''[gets a pack of wilted basil]'' What is this? Anybody? ''[empties pack of the basil onto a tray]''
:'''Tony''': I have no idea.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no idea? ''[gets another container of sauce from the refrigerator]'' And this? How old is this? ''[takes plastic wrap off container]'' Oh, my God! You disgusting pigs! Look. At. That! Yeah, it's fermented. Just smell that. ''[Tony and Dino  smell the sauce]'' (to Tina) Come on, please. You own it. ''[Ramsay makes Tina take a waft of the sauce]'' Ladies?  ''[servers smell the sauce]'' We've been serving that. See the mould around the side?
:'''Sam''': I thought that was basil. Oh, my God!
:'''Gordon''': No, that's not basil. I wished it ''was'' fucking basil. How long does a sauce sit in the fridge to get mouldy around the top?
:'''Tina''': Quite a long time.
:'''Tony''': (testimonial) I didn't expect to see all of this. They're not doing the job they're supposed to be doing. And these guys, they're going to have a rough time now.
:'''Gordon''': Does the town of Beaver deserve ''[points to the moldy sauce]'' this?
:'''Dino''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': You should be ashamed. Ashamed! (to the Fratangeli siblings) Now, walk out there, and apologise to your guests, and try to do something you've never done in 14 years: fucking work together! ''[turns back on them]''
:'''Tina''': I'm not going out there. ''[the siblings and the chefs leave the kitchen; Tina walks out of the restaurant, leaving Dino to speak]''
:'''Dino''': (to the customers) Excuse me. We appreciate you guys coming out here and trying our restaurant tonight, but we won't be having any more service; Chef Ramsay has shut us down for the evening. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': (overhears Dino's announcement from behind the kitchen) Fucking hell! Oh, God! God! ''[confronts Dino, who has returned to the kitchen]'' Dino, you're telling them that I'm shutting it down?
:'''Dino''': I was just--
:'''Gordon''': I heard you. I was standing behind the door. Chef Ramsay did ''not'' shut this down! I stopped the owners from serving shit food. But I am ''not'' going to continue that! Because you don't realise right now, young man, how bad you've become! So I'm not shutting it down; I'm just stopping you looking more stupid. ''[points to the moldy sauce]''  Did you honestly want to continue serving? So you want to continue? ''[Dino does not answer]'' You want to continue serving? ''[walks out to the dining room]'' Ladies and gentlemen, could I just have your attention for 30 seconds? First of all, my apologies, but I'm not going to BS anybody. I am ''not'' shutting this restaurant down, I am ''stopping'' the owners from serving this disgusting mess! From chicken that's already slimed, off, gone, to disgusting basil that was never fresh, to a tomato sauce that's actually caked in mould. I am ''not'' going to sit here and play party to that.
:'''Tony''': Oh, my God. I'm embarrassed.
:'''Gordon''': And whilst I am totally appreciative for you leaving your homes to come here tonight for dinner, I've got too much respect for you and too much respect for the industry. I am ''not'' going to be part of this any longer. My sincere apologies. ''[walks to the door and bumps into it, not realizing it's a pull door]'' Fucking door!

=== Sam's Mediterranean Kabob Room [6.09] ===
''[after Gordon returns his gyro]''
:'''Jamal''': You guys didn't cook the gyro right. Rubbery as it was.
:'''Emad''': Shut the fuck up! You're stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[as Gordon was served overcooked lamb shank, the Najjar brothers were arguing within the diners' earshot]''
:'''Jamal''': You guys can't do your job right!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you shut the fuck up!?
:'''Sam''': Hey!
:'''Emad''': What!?
:'''Sam''': I don't want to hear any shouting in the kitchen!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you tell him to shut up?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. You too.
''[back at the dining room]''
:'''Gordon''': It looks anaemic, the colour's dreadful, and it tastes just like bland, boiled lamb.
''[at the kitchen, the brothers are still arguing]''
:'''Jamal''': You shouldn't be giving out garbage food. Are you serious?
:'''Samer''': You take over!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you take over!?
:'''Jamal''': I should!
:'''Emad''': Then do it!
:'''Jamal''': If you don't want it, then get out!
:'''Emad''': Do it!
:'''Jamal''': If you don't want it, then get out!
:'''Emad''': You're stupid!
''[at the dining room, the customers can hear arguing]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Leina) Do me a favour, send that back to fucking New Zealand.
:'''Leina''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': (overhearing Jamal, Emad, and Samer arguing) What's going on there?
:'''Leina''': They've been arguing, because he's (Jamal) telling him (Emad) that he doesn't know how to cook.
''[the brothers are still arguing as Ramsay speaks]''
:'''Emad''': Idiot, dude. Just go back to the front.
:'''Jamal''': Horrible. Horrible.
:'''Emad''': Who cares about his opinion? 
:'''Leina''': He says that the lamb, it just tasted like it was boiled in water. And he said, &quot;Send this back to New Zealand.&quot;
:'''Sam''': (testimonial) He tried it and he said, &quot;There is no flavor in it!&quot; But I believed myself I make the best lamb shank here in California. (back at the kitchen) I don't really know what to do. (waves a pan at Emad as if wanting to hit him with it)
:'''Jamal''': What were you doing again? Oh, yeah. Cook your food wrong.
:'''Wesam''': Nobody's talking to you! Stay back there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leina''': Chef Ramsay wants to see everybody, outside.
''(the Najjar brothers goes out of the kitchen to the dining room)''
:'''Gordon''': Before I start talking about the dishes, what was the fighting going on there?
:'''Wesam''': He just like to come back and argue pretty much about nothing.
:'''Jamal''': Actually, when we get a complaint, I tell them what's going on, and they can't take criticism.
:'''Samer''': No, that's not it.
:'''Jamal''': Let me talk!
:'''Samer''': You're making it seem that you're better than everything!
:'''Jamal''': (to Samer) So why are you still talking when I'm talking!? (to Gordon) If I come back there and let them know, &quot;Hey, this is dry&quot;, &quot;Hey, the hummus is messed up&quot;--
:'''Wesam''': No, we really accept that. But the fact that you come over there and, &quot;Hey, you guys can't cook. You guys are shit&quot;--
:'''Jamal''': I didn't say that!
''(the brothers continuing to argue)''
:'''Leina''': Okay, okay!
:'''Sam''': That's what I have everyday.
:'''Gordon''': Can I start talking about my lunch? The &quot;combo plate&quot;: eggplants, out of the can; hummus, bland; falafel, bland. Sam, you recommended lamb shank, but the bones were disintegrating. When the bones start disintegrating, that's three hours over-cooked.
:'''Sam''': I don't know what to tell you.
:'''Gordon''': Have you given up?
:'''Sam''': Not yet.
:'''Gordon''': Top sirloin: it was miles away from medium rare.
:'''Jamal''': Umm! (condescendingly points lips at Emad)
:'''Emad''': What are you &quot;umm&quot;-ing about? Shut up!
:'''Jamal''': Okay, no, no. 
:'''Emad''': I have nothing to do about --
:'''Leina''': Okay, okay.
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong?
:'''Emad''': He's (points at Jamal) making a scene like it's all my fault. He said, &quot;Umm, umm&quot; (mimics Jamal's condescension) like I'm doing something wrong.
:'''Jamal''': Yeah, who's been messing up all day before you walked in? So you know who's here, can't you just, like, step up?
:'''Emad''': You should have stepped up!
:'''Jamal''': I'm telling you guys what's wrong --
:'''Randah''': Okay. He (Jamal) wasn't in that position that day, so stop putting the blame on him. You guys (points at Emad, Wesam, and Samer) were cooking. 
:'''Jamal''': Who cooked his (Ramsay's) food?
:'''Wesam''': You were criticizing us all day!
:'''Randah''': Even if he was criticizing, you guys cooked the food!
:'''Jamal''': You guys were giving messed-up food. That's what happened, right? Then try it! Then tell me what you think.
:'''Gordon''': I've never seen anything like this. (to Emad) Have you given up?
:'''Emad''': (nods) Kind of.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Kind of.&quot; Do you care?
:'''Emad''': Not really.
:'''Gordon''': It shows you don't care.

=== Nino's Italian Restaurant [6.10] ===

:'''Michael''': Just like last night, he went up to every table and said, &quot;Hello, my name's Ninoooo!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You are in denial!
:'''Nino''': No! I'm not!
:'''Gordon''': Bullshitting me and blowing smoke up my ass, telling me you work eight hours a day cleaning, telling me the food is great, people love it. I am shitting myself. The chef--
:'''Nino''': Well, then you need to wear diapers. (Gordon looks askance at him) You shouldn't be shittin' on yourself.
:'''Gordon''': Are you okay?
:'''Nino''': Yeah, I'm fine.
:'''Gordon''': Or are you just trying to act like a fuckin' idiot to make yourself sound better?
:'''Nino''': No, I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
:'''Gordon''': Then stop sounding like one.
:'''Nino''': You sound like a fuckin' idiot yourself.
:'''Gordon''': ''I'' sound like an idiot?
:'''Nino''': You used the word &quot;fuckin&quot;, so I brought it back to you. I think that's... kinda gross.
:'''Corinna''': (stepping in) Nino, we need to calm down.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. Now, I know the problem in this restaurant. I'm staring at it.
:'''Nino''': Yeah. And I'm staring at it as well.
:'''Michael''': (interview) To be honest, I don't know what's in Nino's head.
:'''Gordon''': Are we done?
:'''Michael''': (interview) It's almost like he's completely mentally unstable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

=== Mill Street Bistro Part 1 [6.11] ===
''[Overlaid with the chefs taking food out of the freezer and nuking it in the microwave]''
:'''Joe: '''We do things with passion, with integrity... the food here at the bistro is the freshest, hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Joe's infamous &quot;micro-carrots&quot;]''
:'''Gordon:''' And these are... little carrots?
:'''Joe:''' Micro-carrots.
:'''Gordon:''' Micro-carrots? From...
:'''Joe:''' From a local farm.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you not think you should let it grow a bit?
:'''Joe:''' Well, I don't think they're there to be really eaten, they're for garnish.
:'''Gordon:''' Okay.
:'''Joe:''' It's a garnish. Nice to add some color.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh.
:'''Joe:''' But I would like to explain what we're spending on micro-carrots.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. Can we go through this after?
:''[Gordon hands the carrots to Joe]''
:'''Joe: ''' ''[interview]'' I have staff here that'll take care of that. You don't hand me raw food in MY dining room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[post-lunch meeting]''
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something: You’re not a chef. Stop pretending to be one.
:'''Joe:''' Did I tell you I was a chef?
:'''Gordon:''' You told me you trained with the best chefs in Europe.
:'''Joe:''' I didn't fucking tell you that! ''(flashback to earlier at Joe’s farm)'' I am self-taught by old-school Europeans. Master chefs that had a liking to me.
:''(back to Mill Street Bistro)''
:'''Gordon:''' Who is the chef here?
:'''Joe:''' It's my kitchen, I'm the chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You just told me you're not, but now you are.
:'''Joe:''' I'm not a certified chef, like yourself.
:'''Gordon:''' No, I know that, but who cooks?
:'''Joe:''' I do.
:'''Gordon:''' Right. So you're the head chef. You write the menus, you dictate the special features.
:'''Joe:''' Correct.
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something: You're not a fine-dining bistro. You're a small man with a fake bistro. You're shooting way above your station. You’ve totally misjudged your market, because all these pretentious ideas that you think are gonna work are screwed.
:'''Joe:''' What are you referring to?
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, here we go. I'll make it easy for you.
:'''Joe:''' Yeah, I speak English too.
:'''Gordon:''' Store-bought chocolate cake garnished with fake flowers. You don't even cook. You just prance around behind the line throwing raw bits of carrots on top of raw pastry. I've never come across a bistro anywhere in the world with name tags.
:'''Joe:''' In the world?
:'''Gordon:''' In the world.
:'''Joe:''' In the world? We'll research that.
:'''Gordon:''' You are so fucking arrogant, you don't even listen to your customers, let alone your staff. You have a gifted young group of servers that told me more problems and issues in the first 20 minutes of meeting them than you have done all fucking day.
:'''Joe:''' (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Now it's funny.
:'''Joe:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' From a fake fireplace to fake garnish, yet you want me to blow fucking smoke up your phony arse!
:'''Joe:''' I don't want you to blow smoke up my phony ass.
:'''Gordon:''' Wow.
:'''Joe:''' It was petite micro-carrots that was the garnish.
:'''Gordon:''' It's not just about the carrots. Carrots is just a fucking example of 20 things that have gone wrong!
:'''Joe:''' You're busting my balls!
:'''Gordon:''' Because you're in fucking denial!
:''(one of the employees whistles and imitates a bomb dropping)''
:'''Gordon:''' You want me just to come in and change your carrots, and make some fresh fucking chocolate cake for you?
:'''Joe:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' I'm lost for words. Uh, I don't know what to say. Do you know what you could do for me? Impress me with your dinner service. Show me how you function, “Chef.”
:'''Joe:''' Do you want to see what comes back? Our elk does not come back.
:'''Gordon:''' I'm deeply sorry your feelings are hurt.
:'''Joe:''' My fucking feelings ain't hurt. You can't hurt my feelings.
:'''Gordon:''' You're ignoring my advice.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not.
:'''Gordon:''' And you're going up against me.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not ignoring your advice.
:'''Gordon:''' Yes, you are.
:'''One of the employees:''' I feel like Christmas has come early.
:'''Gordon:''' Defensive, ignorant, and in complete denial.
:'''Joe:''' And guess what? If I'm all that, you're my twin!
:'''Gordon:''' What?
:'''Joe:''' Yeah, 'cause I've been called you here many times. So let's get over the bullshit.
:'''Gordon:''' (softly in Joe’s ear) I can cook, Joe. (normal) When you have the arrogance to stand in front of me and charge your locals 35 fucking dollars for entrées that are inedible, have a look at yourself, man.
:'''Joe:''' People seem to enjoy it.
:'''Gordon:''' Bull-shit.
:'''Joe:''' Bull-shit.
:'''Gordon:''' (sighs) Fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after examining the fridge and finding no meat from Joe’s farm despite what Joe claimed earlier]''
:'''Gordon:''' Joe, I get upset when I see fakery from a frozen ravioli, a frozen perch, frozen oysters. And when you deny it, that makes me mad.
:'''Joe:''' Well, let's talk about that.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, because you're making up stories.
:'''Joe:''' I'm not making up stories.
:'''Gordon:''' Yes, you are. That's how fucking deluded you are.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not deluded. We have fresh stuff, okay?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm struggling here to stay in this building right now. I swear to God.
:'''Joe:''' Gordon, I got to cook right now.
:'''Gordon:''' Now isn’t a good time? I wish you would. I'm standing here watching a dead man walking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[examining and debating over the onion soup]''
:'''Gordon:''' Are they raw onions in there? What's that? Did you put raw onions in there?
:'''Tom:''' I didn’t; no.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are we doing this to each other?
:'''Tom:''' I don’t know.
:'''Gordon:''' Is this a wind-up? Look at me. You're putting raw onions in the soup. I don't know if you're just fucking around. I'm—I'm lost, Joe. Why are you doing this?
:'''Joe:''' You said earlier that it needed more onions. Okay? We responded by putting the onions in there, so they had more of a bite to it.
:'''Gordon:''' It's raw. What's the matter with you? We send that out, it’s going to come straight back!
:'''Joe:''' What do you want to hear?
:'''Gordon:''' Take it off, Joe!
:'''Joe:''' Take it off the menu?
:'''Gordon:''' 86 it! Save whatever little reputation you've got left! MAN! Surely you've got a bit more respect than that! I'm trying to reason with you, Joe.
:'''Joe:''' I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' Fine.
:'''Joe:''' I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' Fine! But I am not here to show an idiot you can't put fucking raw onions in an onion soup! I can't teach you that! That's called common sense! That, in your tiny mind, is not common!
:'''Joe:''' Pardon?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tom) Come here, you. Should we put raw onions in a caramelised onion soup?! '''''TELL HIM!!'''''
:'''Tom:''' (to Joe) No.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tom) Thank you! (to Joe) You've got talented staff to tell you that! '''''Ask your chef!'''''

=== Mill Street Bistro Part 2 [6.12] ===

:'''Joe''': ''[starts making an elk quesadilla]'' Do you want to see how we make this crap?
:'''Gordon''': I haven't got the appetite, Joe.
:'''Joe''': I know because you wouldn't come over here and say &quot;Don't get it that crispy.&quot; or &quot;Don't do that with it.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you on? What the fuck are you on? I won't come over here saying &quot;Get that a bit crispy&quot;. An elk quesadilla that you want confirmation that it's a fucking good dish? When are you going to pull your head out of your fucking arsehole?! For a man who stands there and boasts at his fucking farm and his goats and you want me to talk about this?! Seriously?! Wake up, Joe! You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Joe''': We're making these two these. You know what I'm saying? I know you don't like the dish.
:'''Gordon''': It's disgusting, Joe!
:'''Joe''': So you wouldn't give me any input on it?
:'''Gordon''': Get rid of it!
:'''Joe''': You want me to get rid of it right fucking now?!
:'''Gordon''': I would! I would!
:'''Joe''': Get rid of the fucking thing! We don't have it!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, here we go! Here we go!
:'''Joe''': We don't have it!
:'''Gordon''': Here we fucking go!
:'''Joe''': Make yourself clear.
:'''Gordon''': Stop asking such ridiculous questions! &quot;Come over here and tell me it's crispy.&quot; '''''ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!!'''''
:'''Joe''': So don't - fucking - serve the thing, right?
:'''Gordon''': '''WHOSE RESTAURANT IS THIS?!'''
:'''Joe''': It's my restaurant, and I'm asking for fuckin' help!
:'''Gordon''': ''(over)'' '''THEN ACT... FUCKING RESPONSIBLE!!!'''
:'''Joe''': I'm asking for FUCKIN' help!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Joe''': YOU wake up!
:'''Gordon''': IDIOT!!
:'''Joe''': Fuckin' come in here and help me, instead of running your jaw!
:'''Gordon''': You shouldn't even be in the kitchen! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!
:'''Joe''': ''(under)'' Go ahead! Go ahead! You put it all together! You got it right!
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Tom)'' Let's finish this. Let's finish it. ''(to Joe)'' FUCK OFF THEN!
:'''Joe''': You fuck off!
:'''Gordon''': ''(throws the quesadillas on the floor)'' Yeah, and take that shit with you! That's right, we're stopping an elk quesadilla! Breaking news in Mexico!
:'''Joe''': That's all I'm asking!
:'''Gordon''': '''''GET OUT!!!''''' Now we got rid of the fucking problem. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-real.

=== Yanni's (6.13) ===
:'''Gordon:''' Greasy as anything. It's a huge ball of grease. I love moussaka, but that is miles off. Moussaka? Mou-&lt;i&gt;suck.&lt;/i&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[having gathered the staff in the kitchen]''
:'''Gordon:''' I've never seen this before! Every fucking fridge is full of fresh stuff and old stuff. Unfortunately, the old stuff's tainting the fresh stuff, so what you ''think'' is fresh is no longer fresh. And those poor fuckers out there are eating this.
:'''Alyse:''' Can I-? 
:'''Gordon:''' No, you can't. I'm not going to let you cook any more. Yeah, that's right. You want to continue cooking? You think it's funny, do you? No, Alyse, if anyone can walk past ROTTEN food in a fridge, and continue cooking fresh, you shouldn't be FUCKIN' anywhere near food! And then when I hear, &quot;Oh, I've never seen that before!&quot; THEN OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES!
:''[pause]''
:'''Peter:''' I just don't believe this. You know, what happened to &quot;check things&quot;?
:'''Alyse:''' I don't know what happened.
:'''Peter:''' ''(fishing out a beer can from a bucket)'' What the fuck is this!? Do you guys like this shit to drink? Don't leave those in there for so long! ''(gestures wildly to the fridge) Look!'' Look in there! That's embarrassing!
:'''Alyse:''' But we don't ''use'' it.
:'''Peter:''' I can't keep up with everything! I fuckin' baby-sit you like kids! And you still fuck me! I don't need to baby-sit; if I want to baby-sit, I'd go baby-sit my granddaughter! She's more fun than you guys!

=== Prohibition Grille [6.14] ===
:'''Rishi:''' I thought it would be a good idea to open a restaurant.
:'''Gordon:''' Were you intoxicated at the time?

=== Chappy's [6.15] ===
:'''Gordon''': Looks like Chappy took a crappy in my gumbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I’m not going to say this in front of your staff - you’re a joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You’ve taught every chef in the world how not to cook.

=== Amy's Baking Company [6.16] ===
:'''Amy''': I am going to really ''hurt'' somebody if they send back my cakes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Customer''': We're waiting on one pizza.
:'''Samy''': It's coming now. It's coming now, now.
:'''Customer''': You keep saying that. You've been saying that for an hour.
:'''Amy''': Look at him. He's like, &quot;where's my pizza?&quot;
:'''Customer''': Heh, really?
:'''Amy''': Send him home!
:'''Samy''': Yeah, your pizza, it's coming. You want to wait, you wait. You don't want, pay what did you have, and you fuck off from here, do you understand?
:'''Amy''': Samy.
:'''Samy''': DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU FUCK YOURSELF! ''OUT'', YOU MOTHERFUCKER! 
:'''Customer''': Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Samy''': You - OUT! Don't stay in here, go out!!
:'''Customer''': Are you fucking kidding me right now?
:'''Samy''': I FUCKIN' - FUCK YOU!
:'''Amy''': Samy, please -
:'''Customer''': I hope this place goes under.
:'''Amy''': Call the police!
:'''Samy''': Shut up! You pay and go!
:'''Customer''': Pay for what? I didn't have anything! Are they for real?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amy''': [somewhat hysterical after Samy fights several customers] This is - you guys, I make excellent food! You motherfuckers, you all... think that you can come in here and say these things? Are you kidding me!? This is ridiculous! I've never seen anything like this before!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon catches with Samy pocketing the tips]''
:'''Gordon''': Wow. Ten-dollar tip?
:'''Samy''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Nice. For you?
:'''Samy''': Of course, yeah. Why not?
:'''Gordon''': Don't you think the girl deserves some tips tonight?
:'''Samy''': No. They get paid hourly.
:'''Gordon''': And so, did you think that if I went and asked every customer that when they leave a tip, it goes straight to the owner and not to the server, do you think they'd be astounded? Let me ask that table there. (to the customers at the table) Sir, the tip that you left to the young lady server, the owner takes the tips.
:'''Customers''': That's horrible!
:'''Samy''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Gordon''': Hey - (turning on Samy) '''''Don't FUCK with me!'''''
:'''Samy''': Yeah, I will fuck with you! Who the fuck do you think you are!?
:'''Amy''': Oh, my god. Samy's going to hurt him.
:'''Gordon''': I'm fed up. I'm getting sick and tired of your bullshit.
:'''Samy''': Don't speak with me like a villain.
:'''Gordon''': Well then fucking answer my question.
:'''Samy''': (under him) I am the gangster, not you. 
:'''Gordon''': Then fucking answer my question. Tell the customers they're going to get their tips!
:'''Samy''': No, they don't.
:'''Gordon''': They should be told that you're taking them, because these servers deserve them.
:'''Samy''': You want to speak with me?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I want to speak with you.
:'''Samy''': Do you want to fuck with me? I will fuck with you.
:'''Gordon''': I don't want to fuck with you.
:'''Samy''': Then, I will fuck with you.
:'''Amy''': Oh, my god. What a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I can't help people... that can't help themselves... and cannot ever take one ounce of criticism. And if you're not willing to change, I'm not going to butt heads, argue, scream, whatever you want to say. But, this is not normal. And it's not normal for a restaurant to go through that many staff. It's not normal for a kitchen that small to have 65 items on the menu. And it's not normal for the level of animosity that you built inside this restaurant and outside. You have the right to run the business the way you want to run your business. I have the right to do the right thing. And the right thing for me... is to get out of here. Good luck.
:''[Gordon leaves via the restaurant's front door]''
:'''Gordon''': Wow.
:'''Samy''': This is what you wanted?
:'''Amy''': Yeah, of course this is what I wanted. I'm not participating in this shit, give me a break! (points to her microphone) Can I take this thing off me? (interview) We don't need his help! Maybe he knows that.
:''[the production crew is shown dismantling the camera and lighting equipment]''
:'''Crew member:''' It all has to come down.
:'''Amy''': (interview) And now he's gone, he walked away. He'll go on with his life, and Samy and I will go on with our life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Well, it's finally happened. After almost a hundred Kitchen Nightmares, I met two owners who I could not help. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because they are incapable of listening. And in a short period of time, they've managed to piss off the community and go through over a hundred employees in one year. Samy and Amy continued to blame everyone else, yet their biggest problem is themselves. And I know whatever changes I would've made, they were never going to stick with them and that's why I've decided to do something I've never done before. It's such a shame.
:''[Gordon walks to and enters his car, starts the engine, and drives off]''

== Season 7 ==

=== Return to Amy's Baking Company [7.01] ===

=== Pantaleone's [7.02] ===
:''(Paulette has just placed a HUGE pizza in front of Gordon]''
:'''Paulette: '''Here's your sausage pizza.
:'''Gordon: ''' ''[eyes wide as saucers]'' Holy crap...
:'''Paulette: '''Isn't that ridiculous?
:'''Gordon: ''' ''[facepalms]'' It's like the pizza that ate Denver.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Remarking on a disappointing meatball hero sandwich]''
:'''Gordon: '''Definitely not a hero, there. There's a typo on the menu. It's not &quot;hero&quot;, it's &quot;zero&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After pouring a sinister yellow liquid off his linguine with clams]''
:'''Gordon: ''' Looks like one of the worst urine samples you could ever give.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Gordon conducts a taste test... and Pete's pizza does not exactly come out looking good...]''
:'''Gordon: ''' I think, Pete, you've overestimated how good your pizza is. ... I did a little research in Denver. Here's the results in a nutshell. 75 percent of our taste-testers preferred pizza A from the top local Italian restaurant. In second place, with 15 percent of the votes, was a store-bought frozen pizza. And in third, and last position, was yours, with 10 percent ONLY of the votes. Yours was the least favourite, you're actually beaten by a store-bought fucking frozen pizza. Get the message?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete: '''I love you, you old Brit.

=== Old Neighborhood [7.03] ===
:'''Gordon''': How can I help two individuals who don't care about what they're doing?
:'''Randy''': We do care.
:'''Alexa''': We care tremendously.
:'''Gordon''': So, why didn't you do anything before I got here?
:'''Randy''': We did. I can't tell you how many hours we cleaned.
:'''Gordon''': You cleaned before I got here?
:'''Randy''': I threw out my clothes on Monday, I was so encased with grease.
:'''Gordon''': How long?
:'''Randy''': How many hours?
:'''Gordon''': HOW MANY DAYS?!
:'''Randy''': Five?
:'''Gordon''': SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?!!
:'''Alexa''': We just need to stop.
:'''Gordon''': ''[walking out of the restaurant]'' What a fucking mess!

=== Kati Allo [7.04] ===
:''[food comes from lift]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Where is this coming from?
:'''Chef:''' This is for the special.
:'''Gordon:''' For the special. That's all hot. No, I know, but wait. It's all hot. Where is it coming from?
:'''Chef:''' Downstairs.
:'''Gordon:''' So you have a team of chefs downstairs as well?
:'''Chef:''' No. Only one woman... put in the microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' Only one woman?
:'''Chef:''' Yes. That's all the work she do.
:'''Gordon:''' [yelling down the lift] Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow. [talking to Christina] Christina, there's a lady downstairs that heats this stuff up.
:'''Christina:''' Yeah, she puts these in the microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?

=== Mangia, Mangia (Part 1) [7.05] ===
:'''Julie''': Our spinach has never never never never NEVER looked like this!!

:'''Kevin''': This restaurant runs like the &lt;i&gt;Jerry Springer Show.&lt;/i&gt;

:'''Mike''': The food... isn't cooked with much love. It's cooked with stress and a microwave.

=== Mangia, Mangia (Part 2) [7.06] ===
:'''Janelle''': Hey Kevin, let's talk about how many times you haven't shown up to work without your tie.
:'''Kevin''': Two times.
:'''Janelle''': You're so disrespectful to her! You need to show a little respect!
:'''Trevor''': She doesn't listen to anything we have to fucking say!
:'''Janelle''': She tries to but you guys don't give her a chance!
:'''Julie''': Trevor, I have talked to you a hundred times about, stop! I've talked to you over and fucking over, you fucking know I'm not fucking lying, you are! I have sat down and talked to you so many fucking times and said &quot;What can we do to make this better?&quot; and you never fucking say fucking anything, so that's a fucking lie!
:'''Trevor''': But when I do say something, it gets shut down!
:'''Julie''': You are fucking lying, you fucking fuck!
:'''Trevor''': Whatever!
:'''Janelle''': She's given you so many chances Trevor and you know it! Let's talk about your habits for a second and all the times, you've come in so high that you throw fuck at the walls! So high, you fucking punch people!
:'''Trevor''': WHO INTERROGATES IT?! YOU!!!
:'''Janelle''': NO, FUCKING YOU!!
:'''Trevor''': YOU OUGHT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RESTAURANT SO WE CAN WORK!!
:'''Janelle''': NO!! I DON'T FUCKING OWE YOU ANYTHING!! YOU'RE SO FUCKING HIGH ALL THE FUCKING TIME THAT WHEN YOU GO OFF FUCKING DRUGS, YOU'RE SO ANGRY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING WORK!
:'''Gordon''': Drugs? Who's on drugs?
:'''Janelle''': He's a fucking tweaker! AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING TWEAKER! YOU'VE BEEN DOING DRUGS FOR THREE YEARS!!!
:'''Gordon''': Janelle, Janelle.
:'''Julie''': Janelle, come here.
:'''Janelle''': NO, FUCK HIM!! '''HE DESERVES TO BE FIRED AND YOU KNOW IT!!! HE TRIED TO FUCKING PUNCH ME!!!! AND IF I WOULD'VE LET HIM RIGHT NOW, I KNOW HE WOULD'VE FUCKING PUNCHED ME AGAIN!!!''' HE'S SUCH A FUCKING FUCKHOLE!! HE'S SO DISRESPECTFUL!! (cries)
:'''Gordon''': Okay, stay away from him now. Darling, go inside the restaurant please, and get a glass of water please.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gordon:'''&lt;i&gt;[handing Mike a dish of lasagna]&lt;/i&gt; Okay, now into the microwave for four minutes--
:''[Mike, out of habit, reaches for it. Gordon yanks it back.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fuck off. Are you serious?!
:''[Everyone laughs.]''
:'''Gordon:''' You're good at taking orders, but you've got a brain. Use it.

=== Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 1) [7.07] ===
:'''Gordon''': I've got a little quiz. Are you ready for this? ... How do you spell 'bistro'?
:'''Mark''': B-I-S-T-R-O.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, good. Now, how do you spell 'dining'?
:''[Mark puzzles for a moment]''
:'''Mark''': D-I-N-N-I-N-G.
''[Gordon rolls his eyes]''
''[Amel laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': So, you wrote this menu?
:''[Mark laughs, nervously]''

=== Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 2) [7.08] ===

=== Bella Luna [7.09] ===
:''[Gordon meeting Traci, the manager, and discussing the problems with the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon:''' Are the locals biting?
:'''Traci:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' No? No one's biting?
:'''Traci:''' No. Not at all. And this place should be banging. We have to do things. I run a 50 Shades Of Grey bingo on Thursday night.
:'''Gordon:''' Say that again?
:'''Traci:''' 50 Shades Of Grey bingo.
:'''Gordon:''' Bingo?
:'''Traci:''' It's adult bingo.
:'''Gordon:''' Adult bingo?
:'''Traci:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Are handcuffs involved?
:'''Traci:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' No?
:'''Traci:''' Well, they could be if you wanted them.
:'''Gordon:''' But, I mean, why would you-- ''[facepalms]'' No, God, no. Geez, man.
:'''Traci:''' ''[laughing]''
:'''Gordon:''' I just arrived!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Are you kidding me? (to the staff) All of you, quick! ''(staff comes to Gordon)'' If you think I'm serving that, you're dreaming. We may as well go back to where we were!
:'''One of the staff:''' All right.
:'''Gordon:''' All of a sudden, we've just dropped our fucking standards! The next person that throws that out at me, I will throw them out!
:'''One of the staff:''' Yes, Chef.
:'''Gianfranco:''' Come on, guys, let's go.
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, you. ''(takes Gianfranco outside)'' Is that what—is that what you busted your arse off for?
:'''Gianfranco:''' No. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon:''' Come on!
:'''Gianfranco:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' It's in front of your eyes. Get 'em together! ''(throws plate of lasagna on the ground)''

{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American reality TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>taf8djeo6tm7b89q2bl3iteudqznkrk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153199</id>
      <parentid>3153198</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:24:45Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:B5EA:4A80:8B96:321F</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="174058" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Kitchen Nightmares|Kitchen Nightmares]]''''' is a reality TV series on [[w:FOX|FOX]] where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] visits failing restaurants across America and tries to help them turn around. It aired its first episode on September 19, 2007.

:'' ''Kitchen Nightmares'' and all related episodes and quotes are a copyright of A. Smith &amp; Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the ''Wikimedia Foundation'' do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with A. Smith &amp; Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.''

== Season 1 ==

=== Peter's [1.01] ===
''[Showing Peter and the others the walk-in]''
:'''Gordon: ''' When was the last time you went inside the walk-in fridge?
:'''Peter: ''' I had a hot flash last week.
:'''Gordon: ''' A hot flash?! What does that mean?
:'''Peter: ''' I mean, I was like, hot and I walked in here for a second.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''John: ''' Peter's like one of those guys who eats out a lot, so he &lt;i&gt;assumes&lt;/i&gt; he knows about cooking in restaurants. He has no clue about the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[In the middle of the lunch rush]''
:'''Peter: ''' Can someone get me Tina, please? I need orange juice.
:'''Gordon: ''' You want Tina to stop now and get you a glass of orange juice?!
:'''Peter: '''  Don't I have anybody that can get me orange juice?
:'''Gordon: ''' Peter. Look at me. Fuck yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Day four, 5:30pm, thirty minutes before relaunch.]''
:'''Narrator''': With the doors about to open, Gordon gathers the staff for a quick chat.
:'''Gordon''': Right, tonight is a critical, crucial night.
:''[A bill collector appears on the doorstep.]''
:'''Gordon''': Are you with us? Or are you...
:'''Bill collector''': No, I'm just waiting for him (Peter).
:'''Gordon''': Okay, but we're really busy right now.
:'''Narrator''': Once again, Peter's has a bill collector on its doorstep.
:'''Gordon''': (to bill collector) You are interfering, that's what I'm saying. Now get out of the way. Would you mind...
:'''Bill collector''': I'm interfering? You got to wait two minutes. I got to talk.
:'''Gordon''': Get out of the way.
:'''Bill collector''': What?
:'''Gordon''': Why don't you get out of the way so we can go on?
:'''Bill collector''': You get out of the way. Don't worry about it, I'm talking to him.
:'''Gordon''': Why don't you go -- no, get out of the way.
:'''Bill collector''': (points to Peter) I want to talk to you.
:'''Gordon''': I'm saying: Get away.
:'''Peter''': (to bill collector) Hey, who are you talking to? (begins to take off suit jacket)
:'''Bill collector''': I'm talking to you!
:'''Gordon''': (tries to hold Peter back) God almighty! Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax!
:'''Peter''': (unintelligible, overlapping, drops his jacket)
:'''Bill collector''': (unintelligible, overlapping)
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no! Relax, relax, relax, relax!
:'''Bill collector''': (unintelligible)
:'''Peter''': (gets in bill collector's face) Fuck off! Get the fuck out of here! Who the fuck are you?!
:'''Gordon''': (still trying to restrain Peter) Relax! Relax! Dear, oh dear!
:'''Peter''': Who the fuck are you?! Fucking tough guy?!
:'''Gordon''': (turns away for a second) Christ almighty...
:'''Peter''': (unintelligible, chases bill collector outside)
:'''Gordon''': (notices what just happened) Oh, shit... 
''[Outside, Peter and the bill collector's argument continues.]''
:'''Peter''': (trying to instigate a fight) Yeah, tough guy! Come on!
''[The bill collector tries to walk away]''
:'''Peter''': (being restrained by Robert and John) You fake little gangster! Come on! You fake little gangster! I'll hurt you, scumbag! YEAH, TOUGH GUY!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
:'''John''': Stop!
:'''Peter''': (watching the bill collector walk toward his car) COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON! COME ON, YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?! COME ON, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL!! '''YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!!''' '''YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!'''
:'''Gordon''': Come out of the way, come out of the way.
:'''Peter''': '''FUCK THIS GUY!!!''' '''FUCK THIS GUY!!''' COME ON, YOU FAKE FUCKING GANGSTER!! YOU FUCKING BLOWJOB!! '''YOU'RE A FUCKING BLOWJOB!!!'''
:'''Peter's father''': Peter, you're embarrassing me.
:'''Peter''': Fuck this guy!!
:'''John''': Peter, Peter, relax.
:'''Gordon''': Relax, relax.
:'''Peter''': Who the fuck is he to come in my fucking place?!?
:'''Gordon''': Relax, relax, relax.
:'''Peter''': (still raging at the now-departing bill collector) Have my fucking cock, you scumbag! Yeah, tough guy! (gets right next to his car and knocks on the window) Right now! Right now! (bill collector drives away anyway)

=== Dillon's [1.02] ===

:''(Day two, 11:55 a.m. - kitchen inspection)''
:'''Narrator''': Having discovered the terrible conditions in the kitchen, Gordon now ventures down to the basement to check out what's lurking below.
:'''Gordon''': What's that smell?
:''(Gordon finds a rat trap.)''
:'''Gordon''': What?!! (to Mohammad) What is that? Is that for rats or mice?
:'''Mohammad''': This is food for to catch a rat.
:'''Gordon''': So we ''have'' got rats here.
:'''Mohammad''': Rat is all over the place.
:''(Gordon moves aside a refrigeration unit, then notices droppings underneath the unit.)''
:'''Gordon''': That's rat droppings. Look at them all, everywhere.
:'''Mohammad''': Rats.
:'''Gordon''': Rats. Oh my good God.
:''(Gordon notices some cockroaches.)''
:'''Gordon''': Look at the cockroaches.
:''(Gordon opens a cardboard box.)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God, look. I've got one in my fucking hair, that's cockroaches. The box is full of them.
:''(Gordon opens another cardboard box.)''
:'''Gordon''': Look, look at them all.
:''(Gordon opens the refrigeration unit.)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God, look. There they are, there in the refrigeration. Oh fucking hell. Oh my God. Oh no. LOOK AT THAT! Oh my God, look at it. (to Mohammad) There you go, there you go.
:'''Mohammad''': (interview) I was shocked. It's like a nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finds half a tomato) When's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. What is that --where is it-- hey madam, where's that tomato gone?
:''(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)''
:'''Gordon''': (digging through the slugs in the tomato) Look! It's fucking rotten, you fucking idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of '''''tomato'''''?!!
:'''Server''': No, no, no.
:'''Gordon''': So where is it?!!
:'''Andrew''': (interview) Oh my god.
:''(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)''
:'''Martin''': (interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': No-one is getting served from this fucking restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No, good.
:'''Martin''': (interview) That didn't go down too well. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.
:'''Gordon''': We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!
:'''Andrew''': (interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.
:'''Gordon''': (who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO FUCKING FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO FUCKING RANCID POTATOES!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': This place can be phenomenal. The location is extraordinary. This is a new start. You have to treat it as a new beginning.
:'''Mohammad''': Exactly. Of course.
:'''Gordon''': I mean, in a perfect world, I would sacrifice one your managers to employ [[w:Vikas Khanna|Vikas (Khanna)]]. You cannot carry driftwood in your business. Out of the three managers (flashes to Martin, Khan, and Andrew), one has to go. (Martin glares at Gordon) Between you and I, Martin has an amazing way of manipulating you. And he is not worth his weight in terms of what he brings to the table.
:'''Martin''': (interview) Hearing Gordon Ramsay say that to Mohammad, that makes me upset and angry. The frustration just boiled over. (approaches Mohammad) Tonight, tonight, Mohammad, I've never used you. I've respected you. I'm proud of what we've done. I've never cheated you. And I take --
:'''Gordon''': What's going on?
:'''Martin''': You're asking... for a manager to leave.
:'''Gordon''': Come on.
:'''Martin''': I've had enough! Because, you have been insulting me? You've accused me of riding on his back!
:'''Gordon''': Did you hear what I just said to him?
:'''Mohammad''': Martin?
:'''Gordon''': So... (to Mohammad) Let him go. Go on. Get it out. Get it off your chest.
:'''Martin''': No, that you...
:'''Gordon''': For the first time since I met you, show me that you're a man.
:'''Martin''': First, you accused me of riding on this man's...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you pointing like that?
:'''Martin''': Because I'm angry, okay? You want to see passion? I'm giving you passion. This person (Muhammad), I've respected. And you have the audacity to accuse of, like, taking his money...
:'''Gordon''': ...riding off his back?
:'''Gordon''': Riding off his back, is what you said. Well, that is disgusting. You don't have the right. You don't know that.
:'''Mohammad''': What about...
:'''Martin''': I have nothing to be guilty of.
:'''Gordon''': You ''what''?
:'''Martin''': ''Nothing!''
:'''Gordon''': You sat in it. (flashback) IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! (Martin simply looks at) (to Martin) Yeah, you ran it. You sat in it. 
:'''Martin''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You ''wasted'' it.
:'''Martin''': Yes. I wasted it?
:'''Gordon''': You encouraged it.
:'''Martin''': It was always like, it spiraled...
:'''Gordon''': You let it go to shit.
:'''Martin''': It spiraled out of control. And I asked you to come on board. 
:'''Gordon''': You're feeling guilty. I'm glad.
:'''Martin''': NOT GUILTY!
:'''Gordon''': You're guilty.
:'''Martin''': Mohammad, I'm... NOT GUILTY! I'm not going to take this put-down anymore. I have nothing to be guilty of. Listen, this is my last night.
:'''Gordon''': Who said this was your last night? I'm curious.
:'''Martin''': Yes, this is my last light. This ''is'' my last, tonight!
:'''Gordon''': Please tell the owner, not me.
:'''Martin''': (to Muhammad) This is my last night. I'm out of here. I quit! (walks out)
:'''Gordon''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Mohammad''': (interview) When Martin left, actually, I was shocked. I didn't expect he's going to go dead there.
:'''Martin''': (interview) I think Gordon Ramsay is full of shit. And I'm extremely angry and extremely pissed off. And now, I turn my back and walk away.

=== The Mixing Bowl [1.03] ===

:''[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]''
:'''Lisa''': (interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!
:'''Lisa''': How is that missed? How is that overlooked?
:'''Mike''': Someone-- the Dragons just...
:'''Lisa''': Mike, that's what I'm saying.
:'''Mike''': I'm not sure what transpired.
:'''Lisa''': (interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!
:'''Gordon''': My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrassing.
:'''Lisa''': You're overlooking extremely important things!
:'''Mike''': I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...
:'''Lisa''': Well, why do you keep saying that?
:'''Mike''': (losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!
:'''Lisa''': Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!
:'''Mike''': I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

=== Seascape Inn [1.04] ===
:'''Gordon''': (after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a ''crap'' cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Twice baked potato. Thank fuck I missed that one twice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding frozen ravioli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravioli. Fresh? My fuckin' ass. I've eaten this shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding pesto) Oh, fucking hell. So that's the pesto I had for lunch. Just look at the colours in there. Look at that, it's mouldy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': This is ten thousand times worse than I thought it would be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Peter) This is not a time - hey - to laugh and take a fucking piss out of me. I've eaten this shit. What's going on, Peter?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Peter) You've got the nerves to tell me you clean the walls every fucking Tuesday? Touch — fuck off, will you - TOUCH THE WALL! You dirty pig! (to the others) This is ''disgusting''! I'm closing it down. (to Peter) How many has booked?
:'''Peter''': About twenty.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty - forget it. Get the place steam-cleaned from fucking head to tail. I don't care, but we're not cooking a fucking cookie out of here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a fucking embarrassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the fucking place.

=== The Olde Stone Mill [1.05] ===
''[Gordon's chopped salad has been molded into a funnel]''
:'''Gordon:''' Look at that. What's that squashed into? Looks like it's been squashed into an ice cream cone. ''[The waiter hands him the funnel]'' ... Ah, right, that's his on top. Was the chef a mechanic?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dean:''' I was pissed. Real pissed. I wanted to take the plate and smash it on top of the Chef's head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' What's this crap here with calamari in a martini glass?
:'''Tom:''' We're just trying to do presentation because the dishes we have suck.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Suck&quot;?  I can't believe you'd be so fucking polite.

=== Sebastian's [1.06] ===

:'''Sebastian''': Okay, my pizzas will soon be in supermarkets.
:'''Gordon''': ''What?!''
:'''Sebastian''': I would love to franchise this, and have a &quot;Sebastian's&quot; all over the world.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my god...
:'''Sebastian''': Just think how that sounds. &quot;Sebastian's&quot; all over the world. That makes me excited.
:'''Gordon''': You haven't got fucking one right so far! How the fuck can you think about two? I need some fresh air, the guy's gone!
:''(Sebastian laughs. Cut to Gordon standing in the street outside the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon''': This guy is seriously off his fucking trolley!
:'''Sebastian''': (to the kitchen staff) I just won that one. I won that one.
:'''Gordon''': What on earth is going on in his fucked-up, delusional mind?
:'''Sebastian''': Whoo! I won that one!
:'''Joy''': What happened?
:'''Sebastian''': He was giving me shit. I gave it back to him, and he was like, &quot;Uh, yeah whatever,&quot; and-
:'''Gordon''': (walks back into the restaurant) Sebastian! I just want a little word.
:''[Gordon goes into Sebastian's office, and Sebastian follows him]''
:'''Gordon''': Listen, big boy. Right now, you've won jack-fucking-shit! You've got the audacity to stand there, talking to me about a franchise, when we can't even get a pizza right?
:'''Sebastian''': (interview) It took everything in me not to just, freak out. (to Gordon) I've been here two years. It may not seem like-
:'''Gordon''': What have you got to show?
:'''Sebastian''': What have I got to show? I'll tell you what I've got to show. Pride! Pride!
:'''Gordon''': You're delusional! You are so-
:'''Sebastian''': That's your opinion, sir. A lot of people feel that way about you!
:'''Gordon''': (points at the dining room) What's successful about out there?
:'''Sebastian''': I'm still here.
:'''Gordon''': That's what makes it successful? You've just answered my question. I'll see you later.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gordon''': (on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' When I first arrived here, we got off to a shaky start. Then we kept our heads down and we got through it together.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' And we made some really exciting changes. The menu's changed, the staff have changed.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Mate, there's one thing that hasn't changed in this establishment, and that's you Sebastian. I'm 40 years old, and I have gone a lot of restaurants, but I've never...ever...ever...''ever'' met someone I believe in as little as you. I think you will go back to your sloppy, shortcut, 5-out-of-10 frozen ways. Good luck. (Sebastian walks back inside) Unbelievable.
:'''Sebastian:''' Un-fuckin'-believable.
:'''Gordon:''' Fuckin' useless.
:'''Sebastian:''' You fuckin' kidding me? Fuckin' kiddin' me right now?! (pacing back and forth) This is MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my God...
:'''Sebastian:''' THIS IS ''MY'' FUCKIN' LIFE!
:'''Andre:''' (interview) Honestly, I haven't seen Sebastian this emotional.
:'''Lou-Bertha:''' (interview) Sebastian just got ''real'' loud. He just changed like Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
:'''Sebastian:''' (walks toward the back door) ''ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?''
:'''Gordon:''' That's pissed on his bonfire.
:'''Sebastian:''' (leaving the restaurant) Fuckin' arrogant! Fuck that motherfucker! (to the production team) We're done! Get the fuckin' camera outta here! (approaches back entrance) Chef Gordon! (breaks the door open) Chef Gordon. Where the fuck are ya? Where are you?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm here.
:'''Sebastian:''' You come into my restaurant?
:'''Gordon:''' Yes.
:'''Sebastian:''' I'm just so fucking disappointed.
:'''Gordon:''' Wait. Don't shout at me. You're going to calm down?
:'''Sebastian:''' Stop pointing your finger at me.
:'''Gordon:''' Are you going to calm down?
:'''Sebastian:''' Are we going to speak like men? You're going to speak to me like a man?
:'''Gordon:''' You didn't listen to what I've told you.
:'''Sebastian:''' You didn't listen to what I'm saying.
:'''Gordon:''' Did you hear what I've just told you?
:'''Sebastian:''' I'm stepping away from you, because I don't want to be too close.
:'''Gordon:''' You ungrateful...
:'''Sebastian:''' You have no idea!
:'''Gordon:''' Nasty, vindictive...
:'''Sebastian:''' You have no fucking idea!
:'''Gordon:''' Joker!
:'''Sebastian:''' Well, fuck you! (walks away)
:'''Gordon:''' That's it, is it? (follows Sebastian)
:'''Sebastian:''' Yeah, it is it! You're very disappointing!
:'''Gordon:''' That was your second fucking shit performance tonight!
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Your whole act is a fuckin' joke!
:'''Gordon:''' Anything else?
:'''Sebastian:''' Your whole act is a fuckin' joke! You're a phony!
:'''Gordon:''' You shouldn't run like that.
:'''Sebastian:''' Run like what?
:'''Gordon:''' Am I supposed to be scared now, Sebastian?
:'''Sebastian:''' (shakes his fist) Come on, give me a break. I'm busting my ass in there. You tell me...
:'''Gordon:''' You what?!
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you kidding me? 
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you...
:'''Sebastian:''' Are you kidding me?!
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something...
:'''Sebastian:''' You're telling me nothing! I'm done! I'm done!
:'''Gordon:''' There you go.
:'''Sebastian:''' Yes. LOSER! (walks away) And I'm telling you one last time: you're a fuckin' dickhead!

=== Finn McCool's [1.07] ===
:'''Narrator''': After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.
:''[Francis drops a chicken wing on the floor while tossing it in the sauce and he picks up and throws it in the fryer]''
:'''Gordon''': Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.
:'''Francis''': Yeah, well the fryer is going to...is going to...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.
:'''Gordon''': But it fell on the floor.
:'''Francis''': Correct.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in the fryer.
:'''Francis''': Right into the fryer.
:'''Gordon''': And it cleans it.
:'''Francis''': It cleans it. It sterilizes it.
:'''Gordon''': Sterilises it?
:'''Francis''': Yeah, well...
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me! &quot;Sterilised it&quot;?
:''[the wings are now being eaten at a table]''
:'''Buddy''': What happened with that order?
:'''Francis''': I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.
:''[Buddy's eyes open wide in horror]''
:'''Brian''': (interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.
:'''Buddy''': What the fuck were you thinking?!
:'''Gordon''': (outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh, my God, no!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Melissa''': (watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.
:'''Brian''': I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.
:'''Gordon''': (waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.
:'''Melissa''': (arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.
:'''Gordon''': Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?
:'''Melissa''': (hesitantly) People... really like them.
:'''Gordon''': No doubt half the customers are drunk.
:'''Buddy''': This is a tough half-hour of my life.
:'''Melissa''': (to Brian) Not a big hit.
:'''Brian''': He didn't like it?
:'''Melissa''': Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, &quot;Nope.&quot;
:'''Brian''': Are you kidding me? 
:'''Melissa''': He really expected me to be like, &quot;He loved it!&quot; You know, &quot;He wants you to come work for him!&quot;
:'''Brian''': Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.
:'''Melissa''': (serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?
:'''Melissa''': On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.
:'''Gordon''': A little? Thank you.
:'''Melissa''': You're welcome. (leaves)
:'''Gordon''': Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.
:'''Melissa''': (returning) All through?
:'''Gordon''': Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?
:'''Melissa''': No.
:'''Gordon''': (sarcastically) Good. Lovely.
:'''Buddy''': I don't even think he likes the water.
:'''Melissa''': (to Brian) He asked me, &quot;Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?&quot; and I told him, &quot;No, I assure you it will not.&quot;
:'''Brian''': Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.
:''[We see a tray of shepherd's pie filling, topped with a pool of fat.]''
:'''Brian''': Let's try that one.
:'''Melissa''': (serves the pie) Enjoy.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you.
:'''Melissa''': You're welcome. (leaves)
:'''Gordon''': (digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting. 
:''[Gordon gets up and leaves the table]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Buddy) The toilet?
:'''Buddy''': Second door on the left.
:''[Gordon walks toward the bathroom. A moment later, he is heard vomiting.]''
:'''Buddy''': Oh, no...

=== Lela's [1.08] ===

:''[Gordon brings Buzzard (Daniel) back to Lela's after Buzzard stole leftover wine and food.]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[shows Lela the stolen food]'' This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.
:'''Buzzard''': I know where that came from.
:'''Gordon''': Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially fucking screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.
:'''Lex''': (interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.
:'''Buzzard''': Now, listen. I'm not going to stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (walks out)
:'''Gordon''': This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable. 
:'''Lela''': (interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Buzzard comes to work next morning]''
:'''Lela:''' (interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.
:'''Gordon:''' Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premise.
:'''Tabitha:''' (interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.
:'''Gordon:''' I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, they all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.
:'''Lela:''' Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.
:'''Tabitha:''' (interview) Buzzard ain't going to be back here. He ain't going to be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

=== Campania's [1.09] ===

:'''Joe''': If people start bitchin', the meatballs are gonna come out of the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[One customer was unhappy with the food and would not be mollified. Shockingly, a less-than-sober but satisfied customer comes to the defense of Campania.]''
:'''Drunk Customer''': If it was that bad, then why'd you keep eating? Why did you keep eating if it was that bad?
:'''Angry Customer''': What's her problem?
:'''Drunk''': 'Cause youse a fucking liar! You just want everything for free, you greedy fucking bitch!
:'''Angry''': Oh my God in heaven! You people are mental!
:'''Drunk''': Go have another bottle of wine, you fucking alcoholic bitch. Have another bottle of wine, you fucking lowlife!
:'''Angry''': Who &lt;i&gt;is&lt;/i&gt; that person?!

=== The Secret Garden [1.10] ===

:''[Day two, 8:45 a.m. - kitchen inspection]''
:'''Gordon''': Jesus.
:''[Finds a chocolate terrine/marquis.]''
:'''Gordon''': Ohh, fuck.
:''[Finds a rotten banana.]''
:'''Gordon''': My goodness me.
:''[Sees mold.]''
:'''Gordon''': Mould everywhere.
:''[Finds some broccoli.]''
:'''Gordon''': The food's been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get mouldy.
:''[Finds some more mold.]''
:'''Gordon''': Look, just here. It's like mould caked on. This place hasn't been cleaned for years. Look, it's real mould.
:''[Finds a bottle that has become moldy.]''
:'''Gordon''': It's been in that long, even the bottle's mouldy. This place is a health hazard. Mould is festering, so, potentially dangerous in terms of poisoning someone. This place can't stay open. The place is disgusting.
:''[Finds some potatoes that have been infested with maggots.]''
:'''Gordon''': Maggots. Infested with maggots. Oh, God!
:''[Gordon rushes to a nearby restroom to vomit.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Devon''': (interview) It was good for him ''(Michel)'' to be humbled. Michel was of an opinion that &quot;Hey, if I want to serve dog shit on a plate and the customer doesn't like it, too bad.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': God, this guy ''(Michel)'' is fucking unbelieveable. You know, that's one thing being that bad, that's solvable, but being in complete denial throughout is extraordinary. I've never met such a fucking hard-arse stubborn motherfucker in all my life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Day three, 8:27 a.m. - closed for business]''
:'''Narrator''': Day three. Gordon is determined to get through to this stubborn chef with help from a little shock therapy.
:''[Signs read &quot;Closed for business&quot;, &quot;Foreclosed by bank&quot;, &quot;Closed&quot;, and &quot;Do not enter&quot;.]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, a new day, and I'm determined that this guy is going to finally start listening to what I'm trying to say. So this morning, I've shut the place down, I've bought it up and I'll make him understand that if doesn't start changing and listening to what I'm trying to say, that's the end result.
:''[Referring to the &quot;Closed for business&quot; sign.]''
:'''Gordon''': And that's the end result that no restaurant wants to see.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[taking off his jacket]'' Fucking hell.
:'''Narrator''': With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways, and Gordon has reached his breaking point.
:'''Michel''': Thank you very much, I think it's great--
:'''Gordon''': Cut the bullfuck. You don't care anymore, do you? Just get straight to the fucking answer.
:'''Michel''': No, I'm not cutting no bullfuck. I'm just telling it like it is.
:'''Gordon''': Get straight to the fucking answer.
:'''Michel''': Okay? Alright? 
:'''Gordon''': Okay.
:'''Michel''': Alright, good. Your menu is not better than mine. You know?
:'''Gordon''': You're a donkey!
:'''Michel''': My food has been voted Best Chef in Ventura County.
:'''Gordon''': '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Michel''': Yeah, listen--
:'''Gordon''': Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your fucking hands up here, listen to me. '''You run a shit-hole of a kitchen! Fuck yourself!!''' Okay?!
:'''Michel''': No! No! No!
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TURN AROUND AND TELL ME, WHEN YOU WORK LIKE A PIG? '''''YOU FRENCH PIG!!!'''''
:'''Michel''': Yeah, you know what...
:'''Gordon''': You lazy pig! You're so full of shit! Open your eyes and have a look around!
:'''Michel''': Big words, big mouth! Big mouth! You're not happy?
:'''Gordon''': '''I'm ''FUCKING'' happy!'''
:'''Michel''': You can get out! You can get out!
:'''Gordon''': Go on! ''[gives Michel the inverted V sign]'' Fuck yourself!
:'''Michel''': You can get out! It's my fucking kitchen!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, is it? Well, if it's your FUCKING KITCHEN, THEN CLEAN IT, YOU LAZY CUNT!
:'''Michel''': No!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[walking out of the building after arguing with Michel]'' I've got to get some air before I do something I really regret.

== Season 2 ==

=== Kitchen Nightmares Revisited: Gordon Returns ===

:''[Revisiting Finn McCool's]''
:'''Gordon:''' How have you been?
:'''Buddy:''' Eh, I had a little glitch there for a little bit.
:'''Gordon:''' What happened?
:'''Buddy:''' I had a heart attack.
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Brian:''' (interview) My father's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.
:'''Jason:''' (interview) And it was bad. The doctor told him he could have died.
:'''Melissa:''' (interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.
:'''Buddy:''' I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked-- the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns, and when I came back everything was perfect.
:'''Melissa:''' (interview) I don't think last year we could've done it. If this would've happened before Ramsay came, I think Finn McCool's would've been doors locked, done.
:'''Gordon:''' Bloody good to see you. 
:'''Buddy:''' Yeah?
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. Honestly. ''[shakes Buddy's hand. Buddy has quite a grip]'' There it is-- I swear to God. Honestly, I feel like you crushed my fingers. It'll take three days for the blood to go back.

=== Handlebar [2.01] ===
:'''Gordon''': When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?
:'''Melissa''': A week ago.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.
:'''Billy''': No, it has.
:'''Gordon''': No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every fucking dollar that I have, this fucking place hasn't been cleaned in years.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believeable. So that just proves and confirms how weak this guy is. He's not running this place, this place is running him, and is in need of a fucking serious clean. That is appalling.

=== Giuseppi's [2.02] ===
:'''Gordon''': Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an &quot;authentic Italian restaurant&quot; with potato skins?
:'''Sam''': Definitely not.
:'''Joe''': A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve fucking children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, I can assure you.

=== Trobiano's [2.03] ===
:'''Gordon''': The décor matches the clientèle. Drab, fuddy-duddy, and seriously old-fashioned. I feel like I've come to see my granny in a retirement home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pat''': The Trobiano's salad is excellent. It's chopped.
:'''Gordon''': Why would you chop it?
:'''Pat''': People seem to love it.
:'''Gordon''': Is that because of their teeth?

=== Black Pearl [2.04] ===
:'''Gordon''': A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy. Who am I? [[w:Snow White|Snow fucking White]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You tell me about the passion with the Maine lobsters. Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
:'''David''': Same waters, North Atlantic waters.
:'''Gordon''': You're telling me now...a Canadian lobster, half the price of a Maine lobster, is the same taste and flavour? There's a big difference. I can't get Maine lobsters.
:'''David''': That's right, so they get them from Canada.
:'''Gordon''': I'm using Canadian lobsters.
:'''David''': That's right. That's what they do.
:'''Gordon''': But I don't advertise them as &quot;Maine.&quot; 
:'''David''': You tell me, is it a different animal?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;''Maine''&quot; is a &quot;''Canadian''&quot; lobster for you?
:'''David''': ''Homarus americanus.'' Same animal, right?
:'''Gordon''': Holy shit... 
:'''David''': I'm asking you a question.
:'''Gordon''': What you're trying to dictate to me is that you're selling &quot;Maine&quot; lobster - they're not from Maine.
:'''David''': Well, it comes from the same vendor.
:'''Gordon''': ''[at a loss]'' Holy shit! The award-winning Maine lobster roll... is Canadian!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[to David]'' You're so full of fucking shit that you'd make a great politician.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You amaze me.
:'''David''': What?
:'''Gordon''': Because all week long, face-to-face, you fucking pretend to care.
:'''David''': Oh, fuck, Gordon. Come on.
:'''Gordon''': You don't give two fucks about this place. 
:'''David''': Really?
:'''Gordon''': You're not passionate about running a restaurant. 
:'''David''': Really?
:'''Gordon''': You're just abusing it and using it.
:'''David''': How did I- what, what, what did I do?
:'''Gordon''': I've never met an individual that's so full of shit in all my life. 
:'''David''': How have I been lying to you, Gordy? How? Tell me.
:'''Gordon''': ''Gordy''?
:'''David''': Yeah, how? You want to disrespect me, I can disrespect you too. But tell me how I'm lying to you.
:'''Gordon''': I'm not ''disrespecting'' you. I'm telling you the ''truth''.
:'''David''': No, you're disrespecting me because you don't know the truth.
:'''Gordon''': You're just massaging your fucking ego.
:'''David''': Gordon, bullshit.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, bullshit?
:'''David''': Not true.
:'''Gordon''': From the first minute you walked in this fucking door, standing there with your big long coat and your fucking sunglasses looking like proud cock, that was it. First impressions. Then you start debating lobsters because you think you're some smart-arse on the back of few fucking shit dive books. ''[flashback]'' Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
:'''David''': ''[flashback]'' ''Homarus americanus.'' Same animal, right?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Humanus americanus&quot;, my arse-us.
:'''David''': Hmm.
:'''Gordon''': With 21 restaurants under my belt, I work my fucking arse off.
:'''David''': So what? So what?
:'''Gordon''': And I never take anything for granted.
:'''David''': ''[sarcastically]'' Fascinating, Gordon.
:'''Gordon''': You treat the staff like shit. You amaze me.
:'''David''': Never. Never did that.
:'''Gordon''': Excuse me?
:'''David''': Never. ''[flashback]'' Cat, it's policy here for you not to have a drink here after your shift, but you often do. ''[normal]'' Never.
:'''Gordon''': You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. Mate, you've been exposed.
:'''David''': Exposed?
:'''Gordon''': You're a hypocrite.
:'''David''': Is that right?
:'''Gordon''': Absolutely. For you, it's about a fucking TV show. This man ''[points to Greg]'', it's about a restaurant. Fuck the TV, David. And, I mean fuck it. This is real for me. And for you, it's an image.
:'''David''': I disagree with you on almost everything you said.
:'''Gordon''': You do?
:'''David''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Gordon''': Why do you disagree?
:'''David''': Because you're wrong. The great Gordon Ramsay is wrong.
:'''Gordon:''' You're a sad fuck. My advice would be for him ''[points to Greg]'' to get his partners, get your money out—yeah?—and disappear.
:'''David:''' Yeah, alright. My advice would be for you to disappear, and the sooner the better.
:'''Gordon:''' You don’t get it, do you?
:'''David:''' Fuck you, Gordon; of course I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' This restaurant has every chance of succeeding... but not while you are in it, because you’re not passionate. You’re soulless.
:'''David:''' Say what you like. Let me get out of here.
:'''Gordon:''' You’re ungrateful.

=== J Willy's [2.05] ===
:'''John (&quot;J Willy&quot;)''': (interview) When Chef Gordon pulled those potato skins out, I knew he had found something that I wasn't going to like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': We sat here wondering why this business is on its ass. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.
:'''John (&quot;J Willy&quot;)''': (interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rick''': (interview) I wanted to crawl under the table and hide my face so that people wouldn't associate me with such &quot;crap&quot;.

=== Hannah &amp; Mason's [2.06] ===
:'''Gordon''': What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &amp;... (sees that the sign is missing the N from &quot;Mason's&quot;) Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the &quot;N.&quot; That's not a good start.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon goes down to the walk in fridge]''
:'''Gordon''': I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!
:'''Chris''': (interview) Through my head, I was thinking &quot;We're going to be screwed!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': That's what in there?
:'''Chris''': That's the walk-in freezer.
:'''Gordon''': That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?
:'''Brian''': Bacon.
:'''Gordon''': Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.
:'''Chris''': There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.
:'''Gordon''': What's that in there?
:'''Brian''': Shit that didn't get put away?
:'''Gordon''': (finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.
:'''Chris''': I don't know what the fuck...
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!
:'''Chris''': This is not good.
:'''Gordon''': RAW CHICKEN!
:'''Brian''': That should never happen, you know?
:'''Gordon''': Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!
:'''Chris''': It's fucking...
:'''Gordon''': (to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!
:'''Brian''': Yes?
:'''Gordon''': YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.
:'''Brian''': We are ashamed.
:'''Gordon''': You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Gordon shuts the kitchen down]''
:'''Gordon''': What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?
:'''Chris''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.
:'''Chris''': I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.
:'''Gordon''': You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the &quot;partner&quot; you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?
:'''Brian''': None.
:'''Gordon''': How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?
:'''Brian''': None.
:'''Gordon''': Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': Right. What are they called.
:'''Brian''': (unenthusiastically) Apples?
:'''Gordon''': Apples, fucking smartass.

=== Jack's Waterfront [2.07] ===
''[Gordon has just ordered a &quot;krab&quot; omelet...]''
:'''Gordon: ''' Wow,  look at the size of that. That's a lot of &quot;krab.&quot; And you haven't told me about the &quot;K&quot; yet.
:'''Erica:''' Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a &quot;K&quot; so there was no misconception.
:'''Gordon: ''' So it's fake crab meat?
:'''Erica: ''' Uh-huh.
:'''Gordon: ''' In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After taking a bite of some rubbery fish and chips]''
:'''Gordon: ''' When you take a bite of that cod, it's almost like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[During a kitchen inspection]''
:'''Gordon: ''' This is salmon that is marinated in... that looks like... ''[he smells it]'' an Italian dressing. Oh dear. ''[finds tuna that has been dyed pink]'' What's this? Seafood restaurant on the water. Tuna that's dyed pink to make it look authentic. Look at it, my God. Unbelieveable. And here we have... ''[he finds a risotto]'' That looks like a mushroom risotto, grey risotto. Unbelieveable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon shows the chefs some beef bits.]''
:'''Gordon: ''' What is that there
:'''AJ:''' I believe it's beef bits.
:'''Gordon: ''' Beef bits in blood.
:'''Scott: ''' Nasty.

=== Sabatiello's [2.08] ===

:''[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]''
:'''Sammy''': What's the matter with this?
:'''Marco''': She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.
:'''Gordon''': It's fucking watery.
:'''Sammy''': Let me have a taste. How bad is it? ''[tastes it]'' It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! ''[Gordon tastes it and spits it out.]'' Ohhhh, no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.
:'''Sammy''': It's not the right crab meat. You're right.
:'''Gordon''': And it's fucking disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big fucking baboon and &quot;Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake fucking crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.
:'''Sammy''': How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?
:'''Lady''': I wanted it medium rare.
:'''Sammy''': So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?
:'''Lady''': I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.
:'''Sammy''': No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.
:'''Lady''': It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exuding heat.
:'''Sammy''': Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Get the fuck out of here. Tell her to take a hike.
:'''Customers''': That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.
''[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]''
:'''Sammy''': No wait, we're not done yet. I want to see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?
:'''Lady''': You know what? I'm done. No more chances.
:'''Sammy''': Unbelievable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

=== Fiesta Sunrise [2.09] ===
:'''Gordon''': When were these done?
:'''Vic''': Yesterday?
:'''Gordon''': Yesterday? Fuck off, Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly: &quot;When were these cooked?&quot;
:'''Vic''': (to a cook) ''¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso?'' (When did you cook that?)
:'''Cook''': ''En viernes.'' (On Friday.)
:'''Vic''': (to a cook) So this was from last week.
:'''Gordon''': Of course, they're from last week!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:[Gordon finds some fresh chives in the fridge.]
:'''Gordon''': What are these? (to Vic) Vic?
:'''Vic''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.
:'''Vic''': Where'd you find that?
:'''Gordon''': I found it in the fucking fridge. Smell it.
:[Vic smells the chives.]
:'''Gordon''': Vic, look, let me just show you something.
:[Gordon shows Vic some fish.]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Stop getting nervous now. Talk to me. What is this?
:'''Vic''': That's the fish we're using.
:'''Gordon''': That's the fish you're using? Oh, fuck me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': How old is this stuff?
:'''Vic''': Yesterday.
:'''Gordon''': Yesterday?!
:'''Patti''': He said, Friday.
:'''Gordon''': [finds slimy chicken] Look at that! Oh, my god. (cough) When's all this from?
:'''Patti''': Friday. He took it out Friday.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, everything's Friday? Let me just show you something, look how green and slimy that is. That's from Friday? Look at that, that's from Friday? Look at my fingers. Friday? Look, look (pours the juice from the tray). There you go. That's from Friday? How do you say in Spanish, &quot;This is not healthy&quot;?
:'''Patti''': ''No es saludable.'' (It is not healthy.)
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. What is going on in here? A hungry cat would walk away from that.
:'''Patti''':  (interview) I was mortified. I felt embarrassed for letting this go on for so long.
:'''Narrator''':  While customers in the dining room continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.
:'''Gordon''': What is going on here?
:[Gordon finds a tray of burritos.]
:'''Gordon''': What's that?!!
:'''Vic''': The burritos.
:[Gordon finds a tray of chicken enchiladas.]
:'''Gordon''': What's that one?
:'''Vic''': The chicken enchiladas.
:'''Gordon''': Ugh! How?! 
: [Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God! What's that?!
:'''Vic''': That was the ground beef.
:'''Gordon''': Ground beef?!! Half of it's fucking fat, you idiot! It's fatter than you!
:'''Patti''': (interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called him out on his bullshit.
: [Gordon finds a bucket of beans.]
:'''Gordon''': Oh, shit! What's that?
:'''Vic''': The beans.
:'''Gordon''': Ugh! How? It's like a cement mixer. Are you fucking stupid? Who's controlling this?
:'''Vic''': I am, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You are? You... are a walking disaster.
:'''Vic''': (interview) Now I'm feeling, like, like stupid.
:'''Gordon''': Lift it up. The fridge is full... of ''shit!'' It -- it's ''DISGUSTING!!'' I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? Fucking ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm fucking disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.
:'''Yolanda''': I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.
:'''Gordon''': (to Vic) You're overstaffed. Under-worked. SHIT food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a ''fucking'' restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!
:'''Vic''': I care for the restaurant.
:[Gordon grabs the huge bucket full of stale re-fried beans]
:'''Gordon''': I want to take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.
:'''Vic''': Excuse me?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?
:'''Vic''': That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;It's embarrassing&quot;? WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!
:'''Vic''': Why?
:'''Gordon''': Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.
:'''Vic''': I care for—
:'''Gordon''': YOU DON'T CARE SHIT! No fucking way!
:[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]
:'''Gordon''': Fuck! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry, but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to drink, eat so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!
:'''Vic''': (interview) I was like, &quot;What the hell are you doing?&quot; You can't do that to my customers.
:'''Gordon''': By the way, there's your re-fried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan — the food.
:''[Gordon sees that the kitchen is infested with cockroaches.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God. What in the fuck is that? That is a fucking joke.
:''[Gordon calls out Vic, Patti and Yolanda.]''
:'''Gordon''': I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You ''(Patti)'' make a burrito, you ''(Yolanda)'' make a burrito, you ''(Vic)'' make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little fuckers here. LOOK AT THEM!
:''[We see that the kitchen is infested with dozens of cockroaches. The women look disgusted.]''
:'''Yolanda''': Oh, my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.
:'''Patti''': I didn't know about this problem either.
:'''Gordon''': Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?
:'''Patti''': (interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?
:'''Vic''': I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...
:'''Gordon''': You knew it?
:'''Vic''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!
:'''Yolanda''': (interview) I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.
:'''Narrator''': After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.
:'''Yolanda''': I had no idea it was that bad.
:'''Gordon''': Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.
:'''Vic''': Sorry.
:'''Yolanda''': Vic, this is stupid.
:'''Gordon''': Where do I go, Vic?
:'''Vic''': Sorry.
:''[Gordon goes outside.]''
:'''Vic''': (interview) I'm embarrassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.
:'''Gordon''': You can't run a fucking restaurant like that!
:'''Vic''': You think I'm mad? I'm fucking embarrassed now.
:'''Gordon''': You should be fucking embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place until that place is fucking cleaned, yes?
:'''Vic''': You're right.
:'''Gordon''': Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?
:'''Vic''': Definitely.
:'''Gordon''': Put some fucking pride! Do you understand the word pride?!
:'''Vic''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his asshole. Fuck me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Service, please! Pass it over.
:''[The cooks hand Gordon two plates of food, both of which are covered in large black chunks]''
:'''Gordon''': What's those black bits, coming from the...?
:'''Cook''': From the top.
:'''Gordon''': The top of the broiler? Jesus Christ almighty. When was the last time the broiler was cleaned?
:''[A server is shown talking to some diners in the dining room]''
:'''Server''': The chefs, now, they are crazy, you know.
:'''Customer 1''': But this place is half-full. What are you going to do when it's crowded, and there's people waiting outside?
:''[Back in the kitchen, Gordon checks the broiler]''
:'''Gordon''': This is unbelievable! What the fuck's happening?! When was the broiler cleaned last, gentlemen? If he fucking tells me Friday one more time, I'll boil him!
:'''Yolanda''': Every Sunday, they say.
:'''Gordon''': Every Sunday? My fucking arse!
:''[Cut back to the table seen earlier, where only two out of the six guests have any food]''
:'''Customer 2''': This is out of control. I mean, you've got your food, you've got your food.
:'''Customer 1''': Yep.
:''[In the kitchen, Gordon wipes the soot off his hands]''
:'''Gordon''': I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put ''salt'' on the food, not fucking soot!
:''[The table seen earlier starts walking out]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Vic) You can't employ these guys! One can't clean, one can't cook rice.
:'''Yolanda''': (interview) I never imagined how bad this restaurant was doing. I don't know what else could happen.
:'''Gordon''': (leaves the kitchen) I cannot come to terms with what the fuck is happening!

=== Santa La Brea [2.10] ===
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?
:'''Dean:''' Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.
:'''Gordon:''' Fake duck? So you call it... what?
:'''Dean:''' We call it un-duck.
:'''Gordon:''' Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely fucked. Is that popular?
:'''Dean:'''Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.
:'''Gordon:''' Un-duck... fucked up... ''[as he reaches in and pulls out more &quot;meat&quot;]''
:'''Dean:''' That's fake fish.
:'''Gordon:''' Fake fish? ''[sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]''
:'''Dean:''' It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.
''[Gordon rolls the cutely molded, fish-shaped, food-like substance over in his hands.]''
:'''Dean: '''''[to audience]'' We have everything that's &quot;un&quot;.
''[Gordon strides into the walk-in, talking to audience.]''
:'''Gordon: ''' This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-fucking-believable. What a mess.

=== Cafe 36 [2.11] ===
''[The food is delivered to the customers on carts, awkwardly]''
:'''Gordon''': I thought people got pushed into a mortuary on trolleys, no? Not serving food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Cafe 36's biggest problem is the long wait times for your meal.]''
:'''Female Customer''': I feel like I'm drinking more than I'm eating.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Male Customer''': I think they got to catch the shrimp first.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Eduardo, no wonder you've grown so old. You've aged waiting for the last main course. ''[Eduardo and the other servers laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[It's the middle of February and Pinto, the head chef, is serving asparagus for the 'veggie of the day']''
:'''Gordon''': What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?
:'''Pinto''': No. Not right now, they're very expensive.
:'''Gordon''': They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?
:'''Pinto''': They're veggie of the day.
:'''Gordon''': Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?
:'''Pinto''': It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.
:'''Gordon''': 'It comes from a different part of the world'? ''[to the sous-chef]'' Are you listening to this?! ''[to Pinto]'' It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

== Season 3 ==

=== Hot Potato Cafe [3.01] ===

:'''Gordon:''' You just served me three-week-old frozen potato skins that have no potato inside. I feel like I'm a potato organ donor.

=== Flamango's [3.02] ===

:'''Gordon:''' Adele, what do you think?
:'''Adele:''' ''(Shaking her head)'' I don't like it.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't like it?
:'''Adele:''' I hate blue.
:'''Gordon:''' Unbelievable.
:'''Waitress:''' I'm dumbfounded. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say they hate the color blue!
:'''Adele:''' I hate it.
:'''Bill:''' You hate it?
:'''Adele:''' Hate it. How can you be positive about something you hate? Ugly. I wanna throw up. I hate it! Hate, hate, hate. Oh my God.

=== Bazzini [3.03] ===

:''[Gordon's mushroom risotto is stuck to the plate and won't move around on it]''
:'''Gordon:''' Is that normal? The Amazing Bazzini's Risotto. Woohoo! (twirls the plate around) Wow, that's extraordinary, no? Doesn't even move.

=== Mojito [3.04] ===

=== Lido di Manhattan Beach [3.05] ===

=== Le Bistro [3.06] ===

:'''Andy :''' If this restaurant closes, the last thing I wanna do is work for some idiot somewhere else. I hate idiots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' (about Andy) This is unbelievable, because there’s a lot of similarities between Andy and I. We’re both English and we both studied in Paris, but there’s one thing we don’t share in common: I care about my customers. He clearly doesn’t give a shit. What a shame.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I’m a loser, everybody. I’m the worst.

=== Casa Roma [3.07] ===

:'''Gordon''': This is incredible. Right through those doors has to be for me one of the worst restaurants I've ever seen in my entire cooking career. The chef doesn't give a fuck, the owner's completely clueless and not any form of communication between the kitchen and the restaurant and the management. It's a fucking shambles.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[8:58 PM, two hours into dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': What are we waiting on Ashley?
:'''Ashley''': I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal Parmesan ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.
:'''Gordon''': Erick, can I have your undivided attention?
:'''Erick''': Sure.
:'''Gordon''': Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. &quot;Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!&quot; We're spinning around and serving shit! Do me a favour, close the fucking restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door fucking closed! Forget it! Good night!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompetent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of fucking making it work, he doesn't give a fuck about his cooking, doesn't give a fuck about you, and he's here for one thing and one thing only: money. And the only restaurant that fucking guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.
:'''Nylah''': Where am I going to find another chef?
:'''Gordon''': Drew. What's wrong with Drew?
:'''Nylah''': Drew, I think can carry it on.
:'''Gordon''': So get rid of him!
:'''Nylah''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable.
:'''Erick''': Babe, I'm sorry.
:'''Nylah''': No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.
:'''Erick''': I feel real bad.
:'''Nylah''': The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.
:'''Erick''': We understand that.
:'''Nylah''': I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...
:'''Erick''': Okay so what do you want to do?
:'''Nylah''': We're going to part ways.
:'''Erick''': Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I fucked on that deal.
:'''Nylah''': (interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[8:30 AM, day two - kitchen inspection.]''
:'''Gordon''': Last twenty four hours was one of the toughest days ever spent in a restaurant. Last night, we did get rid of the chef which was a positive move. Now I need Drew to step up to the mark, Jeremy to support his mother more...I got here early so I can check out the place properly. With no interference.
:''[Inside the refrigeration unit]''
:Jesus... Christ almighty, where do we start in a place like this? ''[looking at a roast beef]'' Roast beef, dating back when? ''[looking at meat that has been defrosting]'' What is that there? Just meat defrosting, again no sign of what it is. ''[looking at a parma ham that is moldy]'' Fresh parma ham, it's caked in mould. This is outrageous. ''[he touches the base of it, and it stuck on his hand]'' Look at it. It sticks in your fucking hand, it's that rancid. ''[looking at a rack of ribs]'' Woh, fucking hell. That's just over three months old. ''[he smells it]'' Jesus Christ almighty. Oh God. ''[he leaves the fridge and gags over a bin]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': After witnessing one of the worst kitchen walk-ins he has ever seen, Gordon moves on to an area outside the kitchen that restaurants are judged upon - the bathroom.
:'''Gordon''': One of the best ways to check the hygiene of any restaurant is always through these bathrooms. Turn that [a blue UV light] on, and turn the lights off. Right, this can be quite scary. ''[he checks out one of the walls]'' Oh my good God. Green and yellow identifies bodily fluids. Any form of bleach or any form of cleaning will be identified through the colour blue, but the body fluids on here is extraordinary. ''[he checks the ceiling]'' Look, as high as the ceiling, oh my God. Even the ceiling's caked in it, OH MY GOD! This is shocking. ''[a sign reads &quot;Wash your heads&quot;]'' Wash your hands, yeah. Honestly, I've seen enough. Let's get the fuck out of here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Nylah) Nylah, the state of that fridge in there confirms whoever's running this place in terms of kitchen management has given up. They don't give a fuck about you, and they don't give a fuck about standards.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Nylah) Having a dirty refrigeration unit is one thing. Having a filthy bathroom is something that fucking scares the hell out of me.
:''[They went to the bathroom.]''
:'''Gordon''': This thing here [the blue UV light] detects body fluids. Just have a look at this.
:'''Nylah''': That's body fluids up there?
:'''Gordon''': That there has got nothing to do with any form of cleaning. Look at the fucking state of this. Green, green, green, green, green. And here's where it gets really scarry.
:''[The UV light is shown towards the ceiling.]''
:'''Nylah''': How the hell did it get up there? (interview) It looked like somebody may have peed on the ceiling, the walls, the doors, you know. It could be a throw-up. I can't even imagine, you know. And it made me sick, I didn't even want to touch the door-knob coming out myself.

=== Mama Rita's [3.08] ===

:'''Laura:''' This is Cheryl, this is my manager.
:'''Gordon:''' And you manage the kitchen and the front of the house?
:'''Cheryl:''' Um, front of the house.
:'''Laura:''' Catering...
:'''Cheryl:''' ...and I do catering as well.
:'''Gordon:''' What's wrong with the place?
:'''Cheryl:''' Lack of customers...
:'''Gordon:''' So why have we got lacking the customers?
:'''Cheryl:''' We need more customers, we need to figure out how to get more people in here...
:'''Gordon:''' ''(covering his face with his hand in disbelief)'' Ok. Thank you, and you're the manager?
:'''Cheryl:''' Yeah...
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my God...! A manager that didn't even know what's wrong with the restaurant is scary.

=== Anna Vincenzo's [3.09] ===

:'''CeCe:''' So he is a bigger asshole than I thought. ''(Talking about Ramsay)''
:'''CeCe's father:''' Fuck him.
:'''CeCe:''' What?
:'''CeCe's father:''' Fuck him.
:'''CeCe:''' Fuck him? ''(Almost laughing)''
:'''CeCe's father:''' Chef Ramsay... surprised nobody break his legs yet...!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[during after-lunch meeting]''
:'''Gordon:''' What’s with the defense mechanism?
:'''CeCe:''' (laughs) Oh, my God. Don’t you get defensive if somebody comments on your food like that?
:'''Gordon:''' I don’t cook shit like that.
:''(Ashton has hand over mouth in surprise while CeCe shakes her head in disbelief)''
:'''Gordon:''' When was the last time somebody complained about the food?
:'''CeCe:''' Well, last night.
:'''Gordon:''' Mm-hmm, and what did they say?
:'''CeCe:''' It was bland.
:'''Gordon:''' And were they right or they wrong?
:'''CeCe:''' No, they’re right. But... you’re off the wall with what you’re saying.
:'''Gordon:''' Here’s the difference between you and me: I listen for feedback. You can’t handle it. I came here because you asked me to come and help you, and your reaction to me telling you something quite constructive in a very calm manner is a joke.
:'''CeCe:''' Ok, so you want me to be your fucking puppet?
:'''Gordon:''' Why are you shouting? Why—
:'''CeCe:''' Because you’re pissing me the fuck off!
:'''Gordon:''' So shut the fuck up and talk properly. Is this the way you react when I’m not even here? (to the staff) Is this an old procedure when— it is, yeah?
:'''CeCe:''' Oh, you’re gonna get your fucking ass kicked.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, there you go. Madam, you have an attitude problem. I‘m not too sure which is worse: the food, or the attitude.
:'''CeCe:''' (to the staff) Ooh, can I hit him now? (to Gordon) You know, a lot of people said you were a jerk; I think I believe it. Anything else?
:''(dismayed with CeCe’s attitude, Gordon then turns to leave the restaurant)''
:'''Gordon:''' Fuck this. No fucking way. What a sad case.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a disastrous dinner service, CeCe and Gordon are sitting on a bench outside the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon:''' You all right? ''(CeCe is sobbing)'' No, come on.
:''(CeCe continues sobbing)'' 
:'''Gordon:''' I can’t start to even attempt to help unless you come to terms with the problem, and that is the food.
:'''CeCe:''' It’s good when I cook!
:'''Gordon:''' Come on! This is not a game for me!
:'''CeCe:''' It’s not a fucking game for me; this is my life! It’s not a joke for me! Don’t start saying that; it’s not a joke! It’s not a joke for me. I care! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fucking be here, so stop saying I don’t care! Just stop, please.
:'''Gordon:''' I haven’t said that!
:'''CeCe:''' Yes, you did.
:'''Gordon:''' What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to come to terms, internally, that there is a huge problem and that is with the food.
:'''CeCe:''' (interview) Nobody wants to hear that anything that they do sucks. I don’t like to fail. Death would be better than failing.
:'''Gordon:''' It’s certainly not a sign of weakness to admit your failings. I’ve closed three restaurants but I also have a number of successful ones. One-thousand, six-hundred and fifty members...
:'''CeCe:''' I know who you are.
:'''Gordon:''' That’s—
:'''CeCe:''' And it’s— It’s— I—
:'''Gordon:''' A “jerk,” you told me earlier.
:'''CeCe:''' Well, you can be a jerk.
:'''Gordon:''' Stop acting like a petulant teenager! I’m not gonna stand there and be a doormat for you to take the piss out of me. Let’s get one thing right: you asked me here and I’m here to help, so let me in.
:'''CeCe:''' Okay, the food sucks. There, you happy?
:'''Gordon:''' There’s a problem with the way the food is prepared, there’s a problem with the way the food is ordered, there’s a problem with the way the food is not respected... I’m sorry, CeCe, but it’s just not good enough.
:''(CeCe sobs some more)''

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 2 [3.10] ===
Casa Roma
:''[Gordon turns around and sees Q, who used to work at Sebastian's]''
:'''Q:''' How are you doing sir?
:'''Gordon''': (to Q) Wait a second. (to Nylah) I recognise this man.
:'''Nylah:''' Ah-ha.
:'''Q:''' How are you doing?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Q) Your first name is...
:'''Q''': Q.
:'''Gordon''': From Sebastian's.
:'''Q:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Possibly one of the most difficult, arrogant, jumped-up owners I have met in my entire life.
:'''Q:''' I thought you'd say that.
:'''Gordon:''' What the hell are you doing here?
:'''Q:''' Good question.

=== Fleming [3.11] ===
:'''Gordon:''' You're the owners?
:'''Andy and Suzanne:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Ok, great. ''(searching through his Danish dictionary)'' Hvordan er du? ''(How are you?)''
:'''Andy:''' I'm sorry. No Danish here.
:'''Gordon:''' But... it is a Danish restaurant?
:'''Andy:''' The Danes have left the building.
:'''Gordon:''' So... the chef's Danish?
:'''Andy and Suzanne:''' No... he's Cuban.
:'''Gordon:''' Cuban...

=== Sushi Ko [3.12] ===
:'''Gordon:''' I've never been to a Japanese restaurant where I can have a pizza... sushi style... and a chef owner that's no longer in the kitchen. I'm nervous.
:'''Cook:''' Just go with it.
:'''Ashleigh:''' Ok.
:'''Gordon:''' Um... that's the sushi pizza?
:'''Ashleigh:''' It sure is. It's rice, salmon, crab, and mayonnaise... some cheese...
:'''Gordon:''' Wow. Thank you darling. Japanese pizza? ''(Takes a bite and spits it out)'' Sorry. That... is rancid.
''[to Ashleigh]'': You were right. That... is an insult to pizza, yeah? And Japanese food.
:'''Ashleigh:''' ''(In an interview)'' Chef had fair warning that it was going to be terrible. ''(laughing)''
:'''Gordon:''' Mhm!
:'''Ashleigh:''' I told him not to get it!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 3 [3.13] ===

== Season 4 ==

=== Spanish Pavilion [4.01] ===
:''[Gordon is not impressed with the lobster bisque]''
:'''Gordon''': It looks like the lobster was dead before they cooked it.
:'''Joe''': The lobster's from the tank. 
:'''Jerry''': You want to take a look?
:''[Gordon goes to take a look]''
:'''Gordon''' ''[points]'': Is he dead?
:'''Jerry''': No, I think they're just sleeping.
:'''Gordon''': Is it? It must be dead.
:'''Balbina''': We keep a good eye on them.
:'''Gordon''': You keep a good eye on them? Surely not. ''[pulls the &quot;sleeping&quot; lobster out of the tank]'' He's fucking dead. A dead lobster! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Michael is in denial]''
:'''Michael''': That lobster's fresh. Even though it died, it's... good.

=== Classic American [4.02] ===

:''[Gordon meets Dominick, thinking he's the owner]''
:'''Gordon''': You look live you've been in this business for thirty years.
:'''Dominick''': I haven't.
:'''Gordon''': Oh really?
:'''Dominick''': Six years.
:'''Gordon''': What were you doing before that?
:'''Dominick''': Laying brick.
:'''Gordon''': ''[after doing a double take]'' So it's you and who?
:'''Dominick''': Colleen and Naomi. They own the place.
:'''Gordon''': OK, brilliant.
:'''Dominick''': I'm actually going out with Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': You're going out with Colleen?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, so you're going out with one of the owners?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Ex-customer?
:'''Dominick''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': &lt;i&gt;Right.&lt;/i&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon reads the sign by the front door]''
:'''Gordon''': 'Enter as strangers, leave as friends'... Enter a stranger, start dating the owner.

=== PJ's Steakhouse [4.03] ===

:''[Gordon orders crab cakes]''
:'''Gordon''': Somebody spit on my food? What is that?
:'''Server''': It's coulis mango sauce.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. ''[she leaves]'' Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay...  ''[takes a bite]'' Wow. That's fucking disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': PJ's Steakhouse? &quot;Pathetic Joke&quot;! That's what it stands for!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 4 [4.04] ===

=== Grasshopper Also [4.05] ===
:''[Gordon tries a French onion soup.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Jesus. It's like somebody's dropped sliced onions into boiling dishwater. Dreadful.
:'''Maureen:''' How's the French onion?
:'''Gordon:''' Off to a bad start unfortunately. It's like somebody's pissed in my soup.
:'''Maureen:''' That's not good, we'll take this away.
:''[The soup was returned to the staff.]''
:'''Maureen:''' Guys, the French onion, he said it's like piss. The flavor he said was no good.
:'''Chief:''' (to Mitch) I told you the onion soup wasn't right.
:'''Mitch:''' We know, I know.
:'''Chief:''' But how are you going to educate these guys to do that right?
:'''Mitch:''' I don't know, I'll find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon looks at the shepherd's pie.]''
:'''Gordon:''' That gravy's made from...
:'''Annette:''' Beef.
:'''Gordon:''' Beef stock on a shepherd's pie.
:'''Annette:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' A shepherd's pie is made out of...
:'''Annette:''' This one is actually beef.
:'''Gordon:''' Then it's a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie, because the shepherd stands for the...
:'''Annette:''' The sheep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maureen tastes the shepherd's pie.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Bad, that's gross.
:'''Maureen:''' And it's not hot either.
:'''Gordon:''' That's part of the reason why I'm not coming back because it's watery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief''': (to Annette) He ''(Mitch)'' doesn't know what he's doing. Mitch is fucking up everything here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon tries a fisherman's platter. One of the scallops tasted bad.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking hell. My God.
:'''Annette:''' Oh Lord.
:'''Gordon:''' That's gross.
:'''Annette:''' No good, Chef?
:'''Gordon:''' It's soft, bland, rubbery. I didn't realize it would be this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief:''' (to Maureen) Mitch can be blind and I'm not kidding you. He's fucking me over here. All you have to do is do what I told you.
:'''Maureen:''' Yeah. Well, I'm not even going there, Dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' (to Chief) You're from Ireland.
:'''Chief:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' What happened here today had nothing to do with Ireland. Shepherd's pie - well, fuck me, that wasn't shepherd's pie. If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd's pie like that, they would shoot you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?
:'''Gabriel:''' Mozzarella sticks.
:''[Gordon finds some blood in the mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Can you see that there? Blood, blood from where?
:'''Gabriel:''' From the meat.
:'''Gordon:''' Blood from the meat on the mozzarella sticks.
:''[Gordon puts down the mozzarella sticks.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, guys. Thank God I didn't have the fucking mozzarella sticks. Look like a blood transfusion going on down there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some meat in the refrigerator.]''
:'''Gordon:''' You've got raw meat here, cooked meat, salami with blood in there. Fuck, come on, please. Don't do this to yourselves, let alone the customers. Rule number one: When learning to cook, you cannot store raw meat and cooked meat on the same fucking shelf in the same fucking fridge. The whole fucking thing has got a cross-contamination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon finds some slimy chicken tenders.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What's in there?
:'''Gabriel:''' Tenders.
:'''Gordon:''' Chicken tenders. Why is it all bubbly and slimy?
:'''Gabriel:''' The chicken comes like that.
:'''Gordon:''' The chicken comes like that. Look how slimy it is, look how slimy it is. Look at it. Shit!
:'''Maureen:''' (interview) My God, it's ribid, it's so embarassing.
:''[Gordon finds a big piece of salmon.]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is this? How can you serve that? It's like it's been left out for days and it's been attacked by cats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' I would never, ''never'' have put a spoon of anything in my mouth if I knew this was taking place.
:'''Annette:''' (interview) It's shocking to see just the extent of cross-contamination. There's no check-up.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Chief) Sorry, Chief. You may be the chief, but I swear to God, there's one thing that Grasshopper hasn't got is a LEADER.
:'''Maureen:''' (interview) We should all be ashamed of ourselves. At this point in time, I'd like to shot the doors and just say, &quot;You know what? Break it off.&quot;
:'''Gordon:''' (to Mitch, Maureen and Chief) Someone's got to help me here a little bit. I cannot help a situation who are not willing to help themselves, and you don't need me to come in here and turn your fridge upside-down. Mitch, if you're the one with the hands-on deck in this business, and you're ''(Maureen)'' supporting him, and you're ''(Chief)'' the mentoring figure, we're screwed.
:'''Maureen:''' We have people coming tonight. What are we going to do?
:'''Gordon:''' I can guarantee you one thing. I am NOT serving food tonight with that shit in there - no way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon personally brings back a poorly prepared Shepherd's Pie to the kitchen.]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Let me just tell you something, when I was busting my chops earlier making it for you, I turned my back for five minutes and you send that out.
:'''Mitch''': Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Chef? Come on, guys. On the back of 115 customers in 2 1/2 hours, results are that.
:'''Annette''': (interview) Chef Ramsay was like, &quot;To hell with all these!&quot; There was like no passion, no care for any of the food coming out.
:'''Gordon''': All you fuckers get paid?! WHERE'S THE WORRY ON YOUR FACES?! IF YOU WERE MY BRIGADE, I WOULD'VE FIRED YOU FUCKING SIXTEEN YEARS AGO!! '''YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU''' '''and''' '''''FUCKING YOU!!!'''''
:'''Mitch''': Fuck!

=== Davide [4.06] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frank:''' Hey moron! This is your table!
:'''Anthony:''' Get the fuck out of here, really.

=== DownCity [4.07] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After discovering they don’t have a head chef]''
:'''Gordon''': Abby, what you’re employing is a ship with no captain at the helm and a team desperate for guidance. No guidance is no standards; no standards is no consistency. So, who came up with the menu? If this is American comfort food, somebody’s dreaming here.
:'''Abby''': I did. I did; I take full responsibility for the menu.
:'''Gordon''': You have no cooking background but you put the menu together? Abby, you’ve got to understand how frustrating this is. It’s ridiculous!
:'''Abby''': I don’t know what to say. Fix it. You fix it! That’s why you’re here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh come on, Abby! How can I fix it when you stand there in front of your team rating YOU and your restaurant and your food 10 out of 10? Dreamer!
:'''Abby''': I don’t... I don’t think it’s as bad as you say it’s...
:'''Gordon''': Stop being in denial!
:'''Abby''': Can you be more specific about the meat loaf? What did you not like about the meat loaf?
:'''Gordon''': (in disbelief) Oh, SHIT!
:'''Abby''': Can you say something besides...
:'''Gordon''': You’re loopy!
:'''Abby''': I’ve been called worse than that.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up and admit it’s shit!
:'''Abby''': Bring it on.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on.
:'''Abby''': Bring it on.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, “bring it on”?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Abby lies on the chairs after receiving a harsh critique from Gordon]''
:'''Abby''': So what do I do? Like, just get out of the restaurant business? Then, obviously, my thirty years in business is, like, worthless and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing? Okay! I think I'm going to open that hot dog stand down the beach.
:'''Mini''': Want some tea or something?
:'''Abby''': No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During a staff meeting]''
:'''Abby''': I don't really care what he says.
:'''Will''': Well, I mean...
:'''Abby''': He's completely full of ''shit''! Like, seriously? Our meat loaf is, like, what put us on the map! I mean, it's great!
:'''Nick''': I don't like the meat loaf.
:'''Abby''': (flabbergasted) You really don't?
:'''Nick''': I honestly don't.
:'''Mini''': We had it the other night together.
:'''Abby''': What? What-what didn't you like about it?
:'''Mini''': I think our food is mediocre, if it's not...
:'''Abby''': Mini-Me, seriously!? You're telling me now you don't like it!?
:'''Mini''': We eat it because we're here. This is not my restaurant of choice. I will not dine here in my off time.
:'''Abby''': You're saying, for what we serve -- comfort food, meat loaf, pastas, steak, whatever -- you're saying, for those--
:'''Mini''': It's not up to par even for that.
:''(the rest of the staff concurs)''
:'''Abby''': So now you're all telling me that you don't like the menu?
:''(the staff nods their heads, and Abby looks disappointed)''
:'''Abby''': (testimonial) I feel stabbed in the back, I guess. (back at the staff meeting) You're just hitting me with this, now?
:'''Nick''': You know what we're up against if we even opened our mouths about the menu once? Every time we open our mouths, &quot;Fuck off!&quot; &quot;Fuck you!&quot; &quot;You don't know anything!&quot; We're all at a point now where we're just like, &quot;If this is what she wants, let's just serve it out! We'll take it out of the window and bring it to the table!&quot;
:'''Mini''': We were trying to make the best out of it.
:'''Nick''': What are we going to have an opinion about now?
:'''Abby''': Oh, you're so full of shit! (walks out of the meeting)
:'''Mini''': (tries to bring Abby back) No, no, no, no.
:'''Abby''': You're so full of fuck! No!
:'''Mini''': Talk to us! (testimonial) Without a doubt, she's in denial.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]''
:'''Gordon''': You haven't got a head chef?
:'''Abby''': Jimmy is my head chef.
:'''Gordon''': So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.
:'''Abby''': Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?
:'''Gordon''': Why don't we what?!
:'''Abby''': I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.
:'''Gordon''': Has nothing to do with me?
:'''Abby''': No.
:'''Gordon''': Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--
:'''Abby''': You're being a fucking asshole! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!
:'''Gordon''': Hold - hold on a minute! You're calling me a fucking asshole?!
:'''Abby''': I am!
:'''Gordon''': You stuck-up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!
:'''Abby''': Oh, boy. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me!
:'''Abby''': I'm not going to listen to you.
:'''Gordon''': You're in denial!
:'''Abby''': I'm not in denial!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, you are! Yes, you are! You can't even accept it!
:'''Abby''': Fuck you!
:'''Gordon''': And you walk out again!
:'''Abby''': I am! (Flips off Gordon) Fuck you! (walks upstairs)
:'''Gordon''': There you go. Flip the bird? That's your attitude? (to Rico) And that's your partner? I'm really sorry, but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's deluded, that woman.
:'''Abby''': You are insane!
:'''Gordon''': Blame me all you want! Easy excuse, isn't it? You're insane!
:'''Abby''': I'm insane? You're insane! You're fucking insane!
:'''Gordon''': You can't even handle the fucking truth!
:'''Abby''': That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.
:'''Gordon''': You're in denial. Flip out again!
:'''Abby''': I would NEVER allow that refrigerator to go like that!
:'''Gordon''': And those BONES?! The mouldy lamb bones?!
:'''Abby''': I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the fuck out of my restaurant?!
:'''Gordon''': You want me to go? I will go.
:'''Abby''': I would love you to go! Get the fuck out of my restaurant, please!
:'''Gordon''': You are SO in denial, you need THERAPY!
:'''Abby''': You're a disgrace to this industry! Fuck you, get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?
:'''Gordon''': (to the cameraman) Not now, guys, please, Please, please.
:'''Abby''': Fuck him.

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 5 [4.08] ===
Three worst inspections
:'''Narrator''': When Chef Ramsay goes to work on any of the restaurants, he always does a thorough kitchen inspection. And while some are absolutely fine, others are a disgusting mess. Here are the three worst inspections in ''Kitchen Nightmares'' history.
:Number three: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Fiesta_Sunrise_.5B2.10.5D Fiesta Sunrise], a Mexican restaurant in West Nyack, New York.
:Number two: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Seascape_Inn_.5B1.04.5D Seascape Inn], a family restaurant in Islip, New York.
:And number one: [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Dillon.27s_.5B1.02.5D Dillon's], an Indian restaurant in New York City.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
Gordon's top three fights of all time
:'''Narrator''': ''Kitchen Nightmares'' has seen its shares of arguments, but we've selected the three biggest blow-ups.
:We begin with number three, which took place at [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Peter.27s_.5B1.01.5D Peter's] in Babylon, New York, where Peter took his anger out not at Chef Ramsay, but on a bill collector.
:Number two goes to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#Sebastian.27s_.5B1.06.5D Sebastian's] in Burbank, California, where this owner ''(Sebastian)'' had trouble facing the truth, and he literally chased Chef Ramsay down.
:And the number one spot goes to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kitchen_Nightmares_%28uncensored%29#The_Secret_Garden_.5B1.10.5D Secret Garden] in Moorpark, California, where Gordon had seen enough of owner Michel's antics.

=== Tavolini [4.09] ===

=== Kingston Cafe [4.10] ===

:''(Gordon is lifting a tray with about 30 salads in martini glasses)''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. You are kidding me. Jesus Christ! Who's doing all this? Oh, my good God.
:'''Una''': Um, Gordon, if you continue like that, Jesus Christ is actually going to appear.
:'''Gordon''': I hope so, because that's what's needed right now.

=== La Frite [4.11] ===

=== Capri [4.12] ===

:'''Jim''': Ready to get out of the business?
:'''Jeff''': No. Don't say that. (cries)
:'''Jim''': Come on, stop crying. Fucking grow up, you pussy!
:'''Jeff''': Fuck you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Thanks to Chef Ramsay's encouragement, Jeff jumps back into the kitchen and tries to help his brother Jim.
:'''Jeff:''' Keep it up Jim. You're doing a good job.
:'''Narrator:''' But unfortunately, he only makes matters worse.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[looking at a raw chicken breast]'' Jim, what have you done to those?
:'''Jim:''' I don't know what happened to those. I really don't.
:'''Gordon:''' You defrosted them in the bag?
:'''Jim:''' I think I defrosted them in the bag and I...
:'''Gordon:''' Jeff.
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah?
:'''Gordon:''' The chicken tenders. What did you do to defrost them?
:'''Jeff:''' I put it on the steam table.
:'''Gordon:''' You defrosted them in the steam table from frozen?
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh my god.
:'''Jeff:''' Not what you're supposed to do?
:'''Gordon:''' No! Frozen food needs to be defrosted naturally.
:'''Jim:''' Right.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me the bag. Where's the bag? ''[takes the bag from Jim]'' Fucking shit! ''[opens the bag to find slimy chicken]'' Oh, god almighty! We can't serve them! You'll fucking kill somebody! Jim, talk to me!
:'''Jim:''' What am I supposed to say? It's a mistake.
:'''Gordon:''' It's a lethal mistake! Is that what I ate lunch time?
:'''Jim:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, fuck me! I've been feeling a little bit crap all afternoon. What are you two doing?
:'''Jim:''' I fucked up.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;I fucked up&quot;?
:'''Jim:''' Well, what do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon:''' I want you to step up to the plate and be a man!
:'''Jim:''' I screwed up!
:'''Gordon:''' You haven't told anyone yet.
:'''Jim:''' (interview) He was just being a jerk! He's an ass. I'm so tired of him just pushing and pushing!
:'''Gordon:''' Grow some fucking balls and take it off the menu!
:'''Jim:''' (interview) I've had enough. I'm so pissed! I can only take so much before I fight back.
:'''Jeff:''' (Jim steps out of the kitchen and walks into the dining room.) Jim! Jim!
:'''Jim:''' Out of the way! (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen! Due to certain circumstance, we have no chicken tonight. (Gordon groans) My apology to everyone here. If you just want to have what you're eating now and leave, I understand fully and I apologize.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, there may have been a more subtle way of doing that.
:'''Jim:''' Get out of my way, prick! We canceled all our chicken orders. We got screwed!
:'''Gordon:''' Will you stop acting like a baby?
:'''Jim:''' Oh, blow it out your ass!
:'''Gordon:''' Excuse me?!
:'''Jim:''' You heard it!
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, you need a little diaper changing? That time of night?
:'''Jim:''' I'll give you something!
:'''Gordon:''' A little poo-poo? Cacked your pants?
:'''Jim:''' (interview) He's the baby. He's the one that's whining over everything. I don't need to hear this crap.
:'''Gordon:''' Jim, why do you have to behave like this?
:'''Jim:''' I'm not going to get yelled at!
:'''Gordon:''' You're walking around like a big baby. I'm just asking you to grow up a little bit! Show a little respect for what you're trying to cook.
:'''Jim:''' Fuck off!
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! You big wet noodle! Do you want a blanket and a bottle?
:'''Jim:''' Do you need one? Upside the head?
:'''Jeff:''' Jim, stop it, please.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my god. What a spoiled brat!
:'''Jim:''' Fuck you!
:'''Jeff:''' Jim, shut up, please! You're not helping the cause. (Jim's pan catches fire.)
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! Now he's setting himself on fire.
:'''Jim:''' I hope so.
:'''Gordon:''' (To Darian) Are they always acting this childish?
:'''Darian:''' Oh, yeah. They don't get their way, they cry or throw a temper tantrum.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God. To walk into the dining room like that and scream.
:'''Darian:''' That's what I said. A temper tantrum. (interview) There's a part of me that's very satisfied to see the boys finally get what they deserve. A lesson in humility. (back in the kitchen) Hahaha!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, today can be summed up in one four-letter word: lazy. I can't even start to help both of you when you're not even helping yourselves. I really needed you to do something. Both of you, go through your kitchen and clean it. Not your staff. You. Both of you. Got it?
:'''Jeff and Jim''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Good night. Get to work. ''[leaves]''
:'''Jeff''': (interview) We were lazy. Now we're paying for it. We're failures.
:'''Jeff''': Yay.
:'''Jim''': ''[sobbing while cleaning a refrigerator grate]'' It's making it dirtier. Can't...do this.
:'''Jeff''': What's wrong Jim?
:'''Jim''': I can't clean anything. I'm a failure. I'm making a mess. (interview) I feel bad. We are in trouble. I really don't know if we can fix it. That's the problem.
:'''Jim''': I'm not cleaning anything up.
:'''Jeff''': Go take a break Jim.
:'''Jim''': No, I can't take a break, cause I'm too lazy as it is. I'm fine. I got to clean this up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeff:''' By the way, we have HOMEMADE MEATBALLS!

=== Zeke's [4.13] ===
:'''Gordon:''' I saw on the menu, the &quot;Oysters--&quot;
:'''Candace:''' The Oysters Cortello.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[gives her a meaningful look]''
:'''Candace:''' It's an invented dish for our restaurant. The Cortellos are Darryl and Ellen, so they made it up.
:'''Gordon:''' So the owners have named an oyster after them?
:'''Candace:''' Yes, they have.
:'''Gordon:''' They bought the restaurant, now they want their name on the menu.
:'''Candace:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Sounds like someone's struggling for power!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Sampling the 'Oysters Cortello']''
:'''Gordon:''' Wow. They're dreadful. Oysters named after the owner? I sure wouldn't put my name on that. I wouldn't even put my enemy's name on that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Darryl, the owner, has divided the entrees in small portions in order to cut costs]''
:'''Gordon:''' How does this work? Emil, when were these done?
:'''Emil:''' Last night.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are they bagged?
:'''Emil:''' He portions them out to order.
:'''Gordon:''' Really? ''[Watches Darryl's side-eye]'' What's the idea of putting everything in bags?
:'''Emil:''' Portion size.
:'''Gordon:''' Portion size?
:'''Darryl:''' ''[interview]'' I like to have everything in quantitative perspective. If I give too much, you get a &lt;i&gt;happy&lt;/i&gt; customer here, you don't get a &lt;i&gt;good&lt;/i&gt; customer. They're happy because they're getting three times what they should be getting, and I'm getting nothing. I don't make money on that.
:'''Gordon:''' It's food. We're not cutting, uh, piping for the bathroom.

=== Oceana [4.14] ===

:''[Gordon's blackened duck has been sent back to the kitchen]''
:'''Moe:''' Oh, my God. ''[groans]'' It's tough?
:'''Rami:''' Look how tough the duck is! 
:'''Moe:''' You said it's tough?
:'''Rami:''' It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... ''[tries to cut it]''
:'''Damon:''' It is ''not'' tough.
:'''Rami:''' The meat is tough!
:'''Moe:''' I'm hungry and I'm going to eat it my fucking self.
:'''Rami:''' Enjoy it then!
:'''Moe:''' ''[interview]'' That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going ''nowhere''. This is going to stay quacking on ''my'' menu.
:'''Moe:''' I don't give a fuck if he doesn't like it. ''[takes a bite]'' Man, this duck is so fucking good, man. ''(interview)'' Oh my gosh. (Kisses).
:'''Moe:''' Hey look, that's the skin.
:'''Rami:''' It's tough. ''(interview)'' Moe doesn't get it. He doesn't want to listen, he still thinks it's tender. I don't know what kind of teeth he has.
:'''Moe:''' You know what? I'd like him to come back here and cook the duck and show him what his duck gonna look like. We're going to call it the &quot;Gordon duck!&quot; ''(laughs; Gordon can hear it.)'' It's going to be a British duck right there! ''(laughs)''
:'''Gordon:''' What the hell's going on in there?
:'''Rami:''' How's it going, Chef?
:'''Gordon:''' They're laughing. What is going on in there?
:'''Rami:''' The food is coming back to the kitchen and they think it's a joke.
:'''Gordon:''' Um, can I meet the chef?
:'''Rami:''' Absolutely.
:'''Damon:''' ''[Mocks Gordon back in the kitchen]'' &quot;It's bloody dreadful! Fucking bloody!&quot;
:'''Moe:''' ''[interview]'' Chef Ramsay is clueless. I really don't think that British can cook. Period.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Damon, executive chef? How long have you been here?
:'''Damon:''' About six and a half months.
:'''Gordon:''' I don't know where to start, but here's the thing: the food is embarrassing. No passion, no flavour. The crab cakes, they weren't made fresh. Do you freeze crab cakes? Damon?
:'''Damon:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't freeze them? Soggy, covered in sauce?
:'''Rami:''' Chef, I'd like to step on this side, to be on your side, because they do freeze the crab cakes. (interview) I had to step from that line and go to Chef Ramsay's side. How is he going to help us if you're lying to him?
:'''Gordon:''' Why are we lying to each other here? Are they frozen, yes or no?
:'''Damon:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' They are? Why do you want to bullshit me? I could taste they're frozen.
:'''Moe:''' But there's a good reason why we freeze the crab cakes.
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me the good reason behind freezing crab cakes.
:'''Moe:''' Because we don't have enough customers here to serve the crab cakes, so the only thing to prevent them from going bad is to freeze them.
:'''Gordon:''' Why make so many?
:'''Moe:''' The batch is big basically.
:'''Gordon:''' I don't understand this.
:'''Rami:''' Why would you make a big batch?
:'''Moe:''' (interview) Rami... fuck you, you just sold me out to fucking Chef Ramsay!
:'''Gordon:''' Damon, when was the duck cooked?
:'''Damon:''' I can't give you an answer.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, come on! I mean, what the fuck is this?
:'''Damon:''' I don't know.
:'''Gordon:''' (flabbergasted) You don't know when the duck was cooked?!
:'''Damon:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you know when the duck was cooked?
:'''Chef:''' No sir, I don't.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you know when the duck was cooked?
:''[another chef shakes his head]''
:'''Gordon:''' Holy shit!
:'''Moe:''' I know when the fucking duck was cooked! I know!
:'''Gordon:''' Well, thank fuck for that!! Solve the mystery!!
:'''Moe:''' We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month. 
:'''Gordon:''' You cook the duck ''off the premises''?
:'''Moe:''' Yes, in our commissary kitchen.
:'''Gordon:''' And it stays in the fridge for a ''month''?!
:'''Damon:''' Freezer.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, shit! So, you cook the duck, you freeze it, and then you bring it in like a shipment?
:'''Damon:''' How many fucking times do you want me to say it?
:'''Gordon:''' Because I'm fucking embarrassed! You're just bullshitting me because you haven't got the balls to step up to the fucking plate!
:'''Damon:''' (approaches Gordon and gets in his face) Well, this is me stepping up to the fucking plate!
:'''Gordon:''' WELL, TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH THEN!!
:'''Damon:''' What the fuck else do you need to know?!
:'''Gordon:''' The truth!!
:''[Rami and Moe push Damon back]''
:'''Rami:''' You can't do that! You can't do that!
:'''Gordon:''' HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!!
:'''Rami:''' You need to chill out! You cannot do that! He's here to help us fix the problem!
:'''Gordon:''' Do I not deserve the fucking truth? I asked you if (the crab cakes) are frozen, you lied. I said when did you cook the duck? &quot;I don't know.&quot; Why couldn't you be honest? If that's how deluded you guys are, that you can't even tell me the truth, I'm really sorry. I'm not here to help fucking liars, let me tell you that. Do you know what? I don't know where to even start. (leaves) Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finds a container of spoiled shrimp) What's this? Oh, fucking hell.
:'''Moe''': Oooooh...
:'''Gordon''': (smells the shrimp) Oh my... (starts coughing and then throws up in a bin) Shit! How old are they?
:'''Damon''': I don't know.
:'''Gordon''': Just smell them. (Damon smells) Smell them.
:'''Moe''': (smelling) Oh! (interview) The smell was like &quot;Argh!&quot; I had no idea... Chef... Damon was doing such a shitty job.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the colour of them! All this shit is tarnished now, the whole fucking lot is tainted!
:'''Rami''': (interview) It's just... unacceptable. I mean Chef Damon should know better, he's an executive chef.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand the method in your madness.
:'''Damon''': Hey, asshole, I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday! I asked my prepper--
:'''Gordon''': You can call me a fucking arsehole all you want. So get fucking angry with me.
:'''Damon''': You're standing right here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer, not mine.
:'''Gordon''': Right, who's the fucking chef around here?
:'''Damon''': I am.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Bags of jambalaya, in the fridge, warm. Have you any idea what happens to jambalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the centre?
:'''Prep Chef''': Grows the bacteria?
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Grows the bacteria&quot;? (Finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling, &quot;chef,&quot; over the next fucking three months? Lost for words? (Flabbergasted) ''Really?!'' Another box of crab cakes. When were these made? No date, you see, &quot;chef.&quot;
:'''Moe''': (Interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jambalaya, crawfish étouffée thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon basically just took the money right out of our pockets.
:'''Gordon''': (Finds a dirty tray) I don't what you ''think'' you should be taking out of containers... and sort of... cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One fucking question to you: who's the arsehole now, &quot;chef&quot;?
:'''Damon''': I am. (his eyes twitch)
:'''Gordon''': I didn't come in here to humiliate you. But how DARE you serve me food from this disgusting fridge, then STAND there, and call me an arsehole, &quot;chef&quot;?! Excuse me... &quot;chef.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon walks to where the grill is smoking]''
:'''Gordon''': Who told you to put oil under there?
:'''Chef''': Damon.
:'''Gordon''': The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) Fucking shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' I NEED THIS FUCKING PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE ''CLEAN''! WHAT PART DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?! ''[throws down a chair]'' WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT SHIT!!! CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' Today is a wake up call for us. The person who is running this kitchen is not up to this job. He's made a lot of damages to this restaurant and we need to tell him that he needs to go.
:'''Rami:''' Yeah, that's what we should've done a long time ago.
:'''Moe:''' Can you please go get Chef Damon?
:'''Rami:''' (interview) It was always my suggestion that we have to let Chef Damon go, but Moe always told me that he can do the job. Finally, Moe has realized that he's not the right guy for us. 
:''[Rami goes in the kitchen and comes back out with Damon]''
:'''Moe''': Today was a wake up call for me. Chef Ramsay came here and he went to the back and he pointed out all things that are going wrong. Right now, I feel like you are part of this problem.
:'''Damon''': I'm not, Moe.
:'''Moe''': How can you not know that you're not supposed to put the jambalaya when it's hot in the walk in? How can you not know that? You're an executive chef! How can you not know that? Can you explain?
:'''Damon''': I didn't do it. Our prep people did it. I didn't realize that they did it and I've coached them repeatedly to not do that.
:'''Moe''': Chef, the problem is excuses. Every time I tell you we have an issue, you just hit me with nothing but excuses and I'm at a point where I cannot take any more excuses. Do you understand that? Do you understand? We cannot afford to have any more shit happen today! We've lost about five grand! WE SHUT DOWN THE RESTAURANT TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THE KITCHEN ISSUES!! Do you understand that? (Damon nods) It's the problem and right now you're the one who caused the problem! Do you understand that? Today, I've made a decision. With all due respect chef, today's your last day at the restaurant. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?
:'''Moe:''' (points to his head) Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Moe:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' So why aren't they on paper? Why haven't we got a database?
:'''Moe:''' I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking hell. Oh, Jesus Christ. So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.
:'''Moe:''' Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.
:'''Gordon:''' Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?
:'''Rami:''' This is what we do everyday chef. ''[Gordon laughs]''
:'''Moe:''' You think it's funny but believe what I tell you. 
:'''Gordon:''' I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.
:'''Moe:''' Well you know what? The recipes are in my ''head.''
:'''Gordon:''' ''(incredulously)'' Are you ''stupid?!''
:'''Moe:''' I am not stupid.
:'''Rami:''' Moe, you ''are'' stupid. ''(interview)'' The kitchen absolutely don't know what the fuck to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.
:'''Moe:''' Don't call me stupid in my fucking restaurant! You understand that you need to learn how to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!
:'''Gordon:''' ''Wow...''
:'''Moe:''' This is New Orleans! Don't fucking come down here talking to us like that!
:'''Gordon:''' Calm down...
:'''Moe:''' I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! ''(in interview)'' We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the fucking alligators!
:'''Gordon:''' I'm not here to blow smoke up your fucking arse, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?
:'''Moe:''' No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....
:'''Gordon:''' But you're a...&quot;busy idiot.&quot;
:'''Moe:''':....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.
:'''Rami:''' But you're not getting that he's here to help us.
:'''Moe:''' But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling ''me'' an idiot.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Busy&quot; idiot.
:'''Moe:''' Busy idiot.
:'''Gordon:''' You're working hard in the wrong places.
:'''Moe:''' I mean, I feel like flipping the fucking table right now.
:'''Rami:''' Did you hear what he just said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.
:'''Moe:''' Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! ''(in interview)'' I will stand up, beat the fuck out of him, and show him who the fucking idiot is!
:'''Gordon:''' What is it you want? A fight?
:'''Moe:''' (''long pause)'' My problem is, I want to make this restaurant successful.
:'''Gordon:''' So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your fucking staff. Well, let me tell you, ''Moe'', I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the fuck what you want to do. But ''don't'' fuck with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rami:''' Busy idiot's a compliment. He's from British. He doesn't speak English.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe:''' If I don't like the changes, I will send him back to British with a black eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Moe thinks that running a restaurant on bourbon street is all about having a good time when it should be about dedication and striving for success. That's why I'm not sure that Oceana will be here next year when I come back. Wow. &quot;I've got all the recipes inside my head.&quot; Unbelievable.

== Season 5 ==

=== Blackberry's [5.01] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon sees a wok where Shelly's cooking her food on]''
:'''Gordon:''' Am I seeing right? You've got a three-burner wok there. Is that a pizza oven?
:'''Shelly:''' Yes, that is my pizza oven. And the wok. I love it, chef.
:'''Portia:''' (passes between Gordon and Shelly) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Shelly, how can you cook soul food in a wok?
:'''Shelly:''' Watch me, chef! Watch me!
:'''Mateen:''' (interview) Soul food is supposed to be cooked slowly. Soul food is cooked with love and soul. Not in a wok. Shelly's cooking green beans in a wok, cooking rice in a wok, cabbage in a wok. We're not a Chinese soul-food restaurant. We don't need a wok, okay?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Mateen) That's a first to me. A Southern food restaurant with a Chinese wok and a pizza oven?
:'''Mateen:''' Yeah, the oven that doesn't work, right there.
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me what's working, apart from you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon has been accused of planting a dead mouse at the restaurant door]''
:'''Gordon:''' I walked in the front door - a mouse.
:'''Shelly:''' The mouse that you planted, I know. They told me. But it's okay!
:'''Gordon:''' No, it's not okay.
:'''Shelly:''' It's a show.
:'''Gordon:''' It's got nothing do with TV, nothing to do with your business in the shit. I am ''not'' going to stand there and even ''attempt'' to take that crap from you. You can take your restaurant, and stick it. I am gone. I'm out of here.
:'''Shelly:''' You're out of here? ''I'm'' out of here. (pushing past the others) Excuse me, go. See you later. Shut it down! Let's go, it's over.

=== Leone's [5.02] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon is inspecting the kitchen during service]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is that in there? What is that?
:'''Michael:''' I think it's veal, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You think it's veal?
:'''Michael:''' Pretty sure it's veal.
:'''Gordon:''' You didn't put it in there.
:'''Michael:''' No, I didn't.
:'''Carchi:''' Darryl, what is that?
:'''Darryl:''' It looks like meat thrown in a pan.
:'''Michael:''' What is it though?
:'''Darryl:''' I don't know. It's not labeled.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! Fucking-- Hey. Forget the orders for five minutes. (to Carchi) Come around, you. Darryl, come 'round. Don't worry about the cooking for now. I got more fucking issues. When was the last time this was organised?
:'''Darryl:''' It hasn't been organized.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, come on. ''[pulls out a jar from the fridge]'' What's that?
:'''Darryl:''' Molasses.
:'''Gordon:''' Molasses?
:'''Darryl:''' Yeah, that's been in there since last Thanksgiving.
:'''Gordon:''' ''What?!'' It's July! What's that? ''[pulls out an old piece of meat from a container]'' Oh, my God! ''[sniffs the old meat]'' Oh, shit. This is raw pork. It's not ''my'' that you served to me, is it?
:'''Carchi:''' No, that's the, uh, the old pork that got left in there.
:'''Gordon:''' That's the old pork?! When's this one from? Not Thanksgiving again? Stuffed what?!
:'''Darryl:''' Mushrooms.
:'''Gordon:''' Smell that! ''[brings the container to Carchi's nose]'' Smell it! That's fucking older than me! Smell it! Go on! ''[brings the container to Darryl's nose]''
:'''Michael:''' That's your sauce, Darryl.
:'''Gordon:''' What in the fuck is this? ''[Gordon pulls out an old piece of fish]'' Oh, my God! Is that flounder?
:'''Michael:''' It's definitely old.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;Definitely old&quot;?! It's ''green!'' Smell that. ''[brings the flounder to Diana's nose]''
:'''Diana:''' (interview) It was embarrassing. It was mortifying. He comes in something that is easily identifiable, and no one noticed?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Michael) Smell it!
:'''Diana:''' (interview) How is that possible?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Let's go, come here. How can we work like that? You've got ingredients from LAST Thanksgiving! Did you smell the flounder?
:'''Chef:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' Did you see the cooked chicken, the raw pork, the raw veal? It's a joke! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Under no circumstances, can we continue to serve food. Shut the place down!

=== Mike &amp; Nellie's [5.03] ===

=== Luigi's D'Italia [5.04] ===
:'''Gordon:''' Wow, it's crazy. How does the family restaurant not run as a family?
:'''Dominica:''' They don't get along.
:'''Grace:''' Because he doesn't belong in this restaurant. (to Luigi) Is is true, or no?
:'''Luigi:''' Yeah. We have laziness, it's like an infection. What happens is, when Tony is here, and Linda's here, they have no understanding that number one is the customer. No sitting around. No looking at the TV.
:'''Gordon:''' Watching TV when customers come? Is that true?
:'''Tony:''' I don't -- I don't think that's true.
:'''Grace:''' Tony, he don't care about the customer. He wants to sit and play the computer.
:'''Tony:''' I care about this restaurant. Now, honestly...
:'''Grace:''' No. He play with the computer here, come on!
:'''Luigi:''' The complaints say the people feel neglected.
:'''Tony:''' But the complaints, like, &quot;I don't want to come here when she's there!&quot;
:'''Gordon:''' Customers that don't want to come when you're working? What's that all about?
:'''Grace:''' I don't know. 
:'''Gordon:''' I was just asking. I'm listening.
:'''Tony:''' She's got people that she kisses ass, and they love her. She's got other people that gets blunt in her face, and hate her. Is it right to basically go up to the customer and say, &quot;Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here&quot;?
:'''Grace:''' '''NO! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I DIDN'T SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot; NOW TELL THAT IS FULL OF SHIT, OKAY? SAY THE TRUTH!'''
:'''Tony:''' That's what you said.
:'''Grace:''' NO! I DIDN'T SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Linda:''' (to Gordon) This is what happens.
:'''Grace:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. (to Gordon) You tell, I did it right or did it wrong?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm just trying to figure out what happened. I mean, I wasn't here. Did she say, &quot;Fuck you&quot;? Did she not say, &quot;Fuck you&quot;?
:'''Tony:''' I thought she did.
:'''Luigi:''' She said that to you.
:'''Tony:''' Oh, yes, she did.
:'''Gordon:''' What did you hear?
:'''Luigi:''' She didn't say that. She said that to you! You forget!
:'''Tony:''' No, no. She got into...
:'''Luigi:''' Why are you forgetful? YOU GOT TO BE HONEST!
:'''Tony:''' I'm being honest!
:'''Luigi:''' You want this guy (Gordon) to help you, or not?
:'''Tony:''' I'm trying to get him to help me!
:'''Luigi:''' Then, you got to say what it is!
:'''Tony:''' I AM!
:'''Luigi:''' NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LYING!
:'''Tony:''' I'M NOT LYING! YOU GUYS ARE LYING!
:'''Luigi:''' &quot;I think she said, 'Fuck you!'&quot; YOU THINK OR SHE DID?
:'''Grace:''' OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
:'''Tony:''' SHE DID SAY, &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Luigi:''' WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE TO TALK?! We are losing the business...
:'''Grace:''' (points at Tony) '''BECAUSE OF HIM!!! BECAUSE OF HIM!!!'''
:'''Tony:''' (to Gordon) See, that's why we don't get along.

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 6 [5.05] ===

=== Greek at the Harbor [5.06] ===

=== Burger Kitchen (Part 1) [5.07] ===

:'''Gordon:''' ''[reads menu]'' Executive chef... David Blaine?
:'''Alan:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' What, the magician?
:'''Alan:''' No, no, no, he's not the magician. He's just coincidentally the same name. He was the head pastry chef at the Peninsula Hotel.
:'''Gordon:''' Now he's the executive chef of the burger restaurant?
:'''Alan:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' David Copperfield your dessert chef?
:'''Alan:''' ''[flatly]'' No.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David:''' I follow the recipes as I am told by the owners and if I try to change the recipes, I am tossed out of here. 
:'''Gordon:''' What?!
:'''Alan:''' That's not quite true.
:'''David:''' It's not true?
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, guys, man up.
:'''David:''' ''[mutters]'' Been drinking again.
:'''Gordon:''' ''Drinking'' again?
:'''Gen:''' My husband doesn't drink.
:'''David:''' I don't know. I don't know. I can't get the truth out of anybody here.
:'''Gordon:''' Explain this to me, Gen. 
:'''Gen:''' He does have a lot of control in the kitchen.
:'''David:''' That's not true, chef.
:'''Gen:''' What about the mushrooms? You changed the whole recipe and you added wine.
:'''David:''' You didn't want ''salt'' on the mushrooms. Let's tell the truth.
:'''Gen:''' Did you add wine to the mushroom recipe?
:'''David:''' That's how you make sautéed mushrooms.
:'''Gen:''' I just asked you a question. Did you add wine?
:'''David:''' Yes, ma'am.
:'''Gen:''' You didn't tell anyone that you added wine to the mushrooms.
:'''Alan:''' Honey, you're missing the point. You're focusing on a ''mushroom''.
:'''Gen:''' Mushrooms are important to me. I'm from Poland.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in disbelief]''
:'''David:''' I think a lot of the problem is, instead of putting sugar in that coffee, put a little [[w:Prozac|Prozac]] in it.
:'''Gen:''' David, I just want the truth.
:'''David:''' This is the truth: I would be better off as a brain surgeon than you running this restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David:''' That Gen is a liar, dude. She can't tell the truth.
:'''Chef:''' She's crazy.
:'''David:''' The whole place should be on fuck LSD, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gen:''' ''[giving David his final paycheck]'' And for the record, I'm not on Prozac dear.
:'''David:''' And for the record, YOU SHOULD BE!!

=== Burger Kitchen (Part 2) [5.08] ===

=== Michon's [5.09] ===

=== El Greco [5.10] ===
:''[Gordon walks outside the restaurant after seeing all the food being microwaved]''
:'''Gordon:''' This is incredible. The minute you walk into a restaurant with an open kitchen and all the chefs are facing out as opposed to standing in front of the stove, get out. That's what's happening here. Unbelievable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After sampling the lamb shank]''
:'''Gordon:''' Now there's a very anaemic-looking lamb shank. Look at the presentation. It's depressing. Almost like it's been in the microwave for an hour. Surely, they wouldn't microwave a lamb shank. I'm a little bit nervous at how grey the meat is. That is way too salty and badly balanced. (to Dustin) Dustin, I mean... it's so salty. Who cooked that, Dustin?
:'''Dustin:''' That's Chef Mike.
:'''Gordon:''' Chef who?
:'''Dustin:''' Chef Mike. ...It's a microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' I thought it was a third chef!
:'''Dustin:''' It kind of is. He does a lot of work in the kitchen.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh.
:'''Dustin:''' ''[to audience]'' We use Chef Mike a lot. Whenever there's lights on in this restaurant, Chef Mike's working. He's a dedicated employee.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Gordon goes to confront Jake about the kitchen’s constant microwaving of food]''
:'''Gordon:''' Greek restaurant? More like a Greek tragedy.
:'''Jake:''' (interview) It pisses me off. What I think about my food is, it's healthy, it's fresh, it's—it's good. It's damn good.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, reheated microwave food.
:'''Jake:''' Listen, it's not microwave food. I mean, how else am I gonna reheat it? You're breaking my balls about getting—reheating it in a microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[points to one of the chefs]'' He's been cooking 14 years. There's a whole stove there; it’s not even being used! And this guy ''(Chef Mike)'' is like this... ''[opens and closes microwave door three times]'' Come on, Jake! Fuck me.
:'''Jake:''' (interview) I don't use the word “microwave.” I'm not cooking it in the microwave. I'm reheating it in the microwave. Big difference. There's a big difference. (normal) I don't think it compromises the food, reheating it that way, but I mean—
:'''Gordon:''' Say that again? You don't think it compromises the food?
:'''Jake:''' I don't think so.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God!
:'''Athena:''' Oh, they’re gonna have a big fight. Oh, my God. ''[begins praying]'' Please, God.
:'''Gordon:''' It doesn't compromise the standard of food? 
:'''Jake:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' Wow.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah, you fuck off. How's that? There we go. Go. Get out of my line.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake.
:'''Jake:''' I gotta—look, I'm trying to put out food...
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, Jake. Let me tell you something.
:'''Jake:''' ...I'm not here to talk about—
:'''Gordon:''' Take your head out of your arse and just start acting like a man and start taking responsibility for something, will you?
:'''Jake:''' I am taking responsibility for it.
:'''Gordon:''' You are? And you think it's smart, telling me to fuck off?
:'''Jake:''' I don’t want to fu—I don't want to fuck around.
:'''Gordon:''' So how about showing a little bit of respect for what you're doing?
:'''Jake:''' Go. Get off my line and let me do my job. Get out of here.
:'''Gordon:''' Jake... Jake, I'll go, with pleasure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[massive argument in the kitchen; all of Kiki’s dialogue is in Greek]''
:'''Gordon:''' The atmosphere in here is horrific. What's going on?
:'''Jake:''' I don't wanna be in here with these two. I really don't. Every time I walk in here, they look for something to complain at me, and then they both gang up on me. And I don't need you to—fucking—me coming in here and you guys yapping and yapping and yapping. I don't wanna hear that shit in the morning.
:'''Kiki:''' What’s he saying? What’s he saying?
:'''Athena:''' He says we constantly complain.
:'''Kiki:''' If we did things right, would we complain? If we did things right and he was worth something, would we complain?
:'''Athena:''' No.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah, whatever.
:'''Gordon:''' Why is she so upset?
:'''Kiki:''' Jake is a big idiot that sleeps until 5pm!
:'''Gordon:''' What was that bit?
:'''Kiki:''' Tell him.
:'''Jake:''' They say I don't come down on time.
:'''Athena:''' No, you never do.
:'''Jake:''' I don't.
:'''Athena:''' You never do.
:'''Jake:''' This is the reason.
:'''Athena:''' No! 
:'''Jake:''' All you do is yell and nag, Athena.
:'''Athena:''' You creating that!
:'''Jake:''' No, I don't create it.
:'''Athena:''' Yes.
:'''Jake:''' Athena, who the hell wants to come down early in the morning and listen to people yelling at them?
:'''Athena:''' I don't know what else I gonna do while I'm up to here with that. I get very upset!
:'''Jake:''' That's what I gotta put up with every morning.
:'''Athena:''' He doesn't give a damn...
:'''Gordon:''' He must give a damn; come on. He can't be that cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' Yeah...
:'''Athena:''' He is cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' ...and sometimes I don't. I mean, I don't wanna deal with this.
:'''Athena:''' He is cold-hearted.
:'''Jake:''' If you put up with this shit for two years, you're not gonna give a damn about it either. You won't!
:'''Gordon:''' They're not your friends; it’s your mum! And your aunt!
:'''Jake:''' Yeah.
:'''Athena:''' He doesn't give a damn about that.
:'''Jake:''' No, but... Why I should I give a damn when you're swearing at me? You're cursing me, you're calling me names all day long?
:'''Kiki:''' You donkey, you dirty bastard.
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) Yeah, dirty bastard.
:'''Kiki:''' Yes.
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) Yes.
:'''Kiki:''' Liar... Lazy bastard.
:'''Jake:''' This is what I gotta put up with every fucking morning.
:'''Kiki:''' All this is because of your laziness.
:'''Jake:''' Every morning. You know what?
:'''Kiki:''' All this is because of your laziness!
:'''Jake:''' You don't need to be here. You and her do not need to be here! I don't need this fucking stress!
:'''Kiki:''' Shame on you, you ass. What do you do here?
:'''Athena:''' (Greek) Calm down.
:'''Kiki:''' What do you do here? What do you know how to cook?
:'''Jake:''' (Greek) What do I do here? All I do is listen to your bullshit!
:'''Kiki:''' I can’t stand him. Only for her debt do I stay, just for her. I’m up to here! Why does your mother keep you here? You’re an animal! Donkey!
:'''Jake:''' Oh, please.
:'''Kiki:''' Get lost! Smelly bastard, go to Hell! 41 years old and your Mom feeds you. You should be ashamed!
:'''Athena:''' (Greek) Kiki, please.
:'''Kiki:''' And you, shut up! You have spoiled him! You’ve made him into an ass!
:'''Jake:''' You two need to just go home.
:'''Kiki:''' Why are you scared to talk back to him?
:'''Jake:''' Go home.
:'''Kiki:''' You made him into a donkey! The only way this restaurant will be fixed is if this guy leaves!
:'''Jake:''' No, I'd be better off with both of you staying home and let me do what I need to fucking do.
:'''Athena:''' Then '''do it!'''
:'''Jake:''' I will! Don't fucking come to work! You and her, leave!

=== Revisited: Gordon Returns 7 [5.11] ===

=== Park's Edge [5.12] ===
:''[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[showing moldy lemons]'' Look what's in the box. Who turns the produce over? Who rotates the freshness?
:'''Jorge''': That's my staff.
:'''Gordon''': Really? ''[tosses the lemons away]'' Fuck me! Seriously?
:'''Jorge''': Why throw my lemons like that for? Why are you taking my product and throwing it away?
:'''Gordon''': THEY'RE MOULDY, YOU PILLOCK! Do you want to see some more? Stay there! Chicken. ''[smells the chicken]'' Fucking hell! Look at this. What's this for? ''[Shows dehydrated potatoes]'' When were those made?
:'''Jorge''': Those were made today. Those are not going to be served to the public.
:'''Gordon''': They're not going to be served to the public.
:'''Jorge''': I'm telling you that I'm not going to serve those!
:'''Gordon''': So you're saving them for what? Talk to me then.
:'''Jorge''': Those were from this morning.
:'''Gordon''': YOU BULLFUCKING LITTLE FUCKING FUCKER!!
:'''Jorge''': You're the little fucker! I'm telling you, those were made today.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, right!
:'''Jorge''': If you don't fucking believe me, that's your responsibility.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, so, you're lying through your teeth!
:'''Jorge''': I am not lying through my teeth.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, you are! You can't even tell me the truth. Do you know why? Because you don't know and you're a fucking joke!
:'''Jorge''': ''[throws the potatoes away]'' You're a joke too, man!
:'''Gordon''': Are you going to walk off then?
:'''Jorge''': All you're doing is hammering it!
:'''Gordon''': Do you know what? What upsets me more than anything is that you don't realise you're playing at running a restaurant. And the minute you start looking at yourself in the mirror and stop blaming the people around you, the quicker you may get this place turned around. Got it? Good! Fucking joke!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[During prep for relaunch night]''
:'''Jorge:''' Okay, so you do the frying station.
:'''Matt:''' I will not absolutely cook a chicken wing.
:'''Jorge:''' What's that?
:'''Matt:''' I don't feel comfortable frying a chicken wing.
:'''Jorge:''' Why not?
:'''Matt:''' Unless she wants to put on a pair of orange shorts and go out there serve it.
:'''Jorge:''' They're here to train us, okay. Are you going to turn around and give them a hard time? Check yourself before you check them out, okay? Not going to ask you again. (interview) He has this huge ego about frying chicken which is really irrelevant. He's here to do what I tell him to do, not what he wants to do.
:''[Jorge and Richard bring Matt outside to talk with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on?
:'''Matt''': You put a bunch of fucking chicken wings on the menu and I think somebody ought to fucking put on some orange shorts out there and serve it.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, so how about a little bit of respect and showing these two guys?
:'''Matt''': Well how about a little fucking respect a fine dining restaurant and not put fucking chicken wings on the menu?
:'''Gordon''': A fine dining restaurant?
:'''Jorge''': Are you fucking listening to us?
:'''Gordon''': Who the fuck do you think you are?
:'''Matt''': Who do you think I am? A guy who knows when a menu sucks!
:'''Gordon''': How dare you get jumped up and tell the owners that the menu's shit because you think you know better? Well, why aren't you doing better? Why haven't you got your own restaurant? How about having the intelligence to calm down and to start again?
:'''Jorge''': Is that possible? Yes or no?
:'''Matt''': It's possible.
:'''Richard''': Will you do it? Yes or no?
:'''Matt''': Yes.
:'''Richard''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[During dinner service for relaunch night]''
:'''Matt:''' This is fucking ridiculous!
:'''Gordon:''' Come on, Matt. I know you hate the wings but just serve them please. Hate me, don't hate the wings.
:'''Matt:''' You got your orange shorts? Orange shorts!
:'''Gordon:''' Cut the shit till the end of service. Okay big boy?
:'''Matt:''' Come on!
:'''Gordon:''' Hey you, why do you want to fuck around and take the piss? Let me tell you something really important.
:'''Matt:''' What's that?
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. I've fucking forgotten more than you know. Just serve the food and shut the fuck up, smart-arse!
:'''Jorge:''' Matt, what is the big deal?
:'''Matt:''' I'm trying to have a good time.
:'''Jorge:''' You're not having a good time, you're making life tough.
:'''Matt:''' I'm having a good time.
:'''Gordon:''' Why is he acting like that?
:'''Melanie:''' Because he's a jackass. (interview) Matt is beyond the weakest link. You're here to do a job, do it!
:'''Matt:''' Pork belly's in the window.
:'''Gordon:''' Matt, that's overcooked. I know you don't care but I do. And you're supposed to be working hard tonight to get this place turned around. Why are you now trying to sabotage it? Mr Shitter who thinks he can't fucking cook a chicken wing! Can't even drop a piece of pork belly in the fryer. Look at it, dry, piece of overcooked pork belly! You're going to start sending us down.
:'''Jorge:''' Matt, you're seriously want to fuck me over right now?
:'''Matt:''' No.
:'''Jorge:''' Why are you being a piece of shit with me?
:'''Richard:''' (interview) I don't know if there's something wrong with Matt or not. I'm not a violent man by any means, but if he fucks it up for me tonight, I will literally...do something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Matt sends a stone cold pork belly]''
:'''Jorge''': Matt, why are you fucking up service tonight? You're making me look like shit.
:'''Matt''': Chill out with the fucking drama.
:'''Jorge''': What did you say?
:'''Matt''': Chill out with the drama!
:'''Jorge''': Get out of here! Right now! Get the fuck out, right now! You know what? That's it. (shoves Matt) Get out of here!
:'''Matt''': Alright, fine. That's cool if you're going to be serious like that. (leaves)
:'''Richard''': Matt, see you!

=== Spin A Yarn [5.13] ===
:'''Gordon''': Look at that sign, a big capital &quot;S&quot;. Let's hope that doesn't stand for &quot;Shit&quot;!

=== Charlie's [5.14] ===
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tatiana about bad meatballs) What's your complaint about the meatballs?
:'''Tatiana:''' He said it was toasted on one side, not toasted on the other.
:'''Gordon:''' Really? How about telling your fucking chef?!
:'''Casimiro:''' Okay, you cook it!
:'''Gordon:''' Now he's getting upset with me because I called him out. When a guy can't make a meatball or even season one, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And then when I watch a chef that cooks and sticks food up there and holds it, and we're not talking homemade food, we're talking bought-in, store-bought. My God, it hurts.
:'''Casimiro:''' Okay, you cook it!
:'''Gordon:''' And look at that for a stinking attitude! Look at that! A disgusting attitude! Ask him to put his house in the fucking mix. If his house was on the line, he wouldn't be cooking like a fucking idiot! (Casimiro laughs) Now he thinks it's funny!
:'''Tatiana:''' What the fuck are we going to do?
:'''Gordon:''' You think it's funny? Yeah? It's a joke!
:'''Tatiana:''' (to Casimiro in Spanish) ¿Vas a cocinar? ''(Are you going to cook?)''
:'''Casimiro:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' What does he want to do?
:'''Tatiana:''' He doesn’t want to cook.
:'''Gordon:''' He don’t want to cook? (walks out) Get your head out of your arse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' When a chef outlasts two owners already, trust me, there something's not quite right...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tatiana''': Necesitamos hablar. ''(We need to talk)''
:'''Casimiro''': Si, dimelo. ¿Que pasa, niña? ''(Yeah, talk to me. What happened, my child?)''
:'''Tatiana''': Casimiro, yo pienso que los dos de usted necesitáis ir. ¿Esto me duele mucho, ok? ''(Casimiro, I think the two of you need to go. This hurts me a lot, ok?)''
:'''Casimiro''': Ok.
:'''Tatiana''': Lo siento mucho. Lo siento mucho, Casimiro. ''(I'm very sorry, I'm very sorry, Casimiro)''
:'''Casimiro''': Ok...
:'''Tatiana''': ''[while trying to hug him]'': Sorry, sorry...
:'''Casimiro''': No, no, no... lo sabía... lo sabía. ''(I knew it)''
:'''Casimiro''': ''[while walking out]'': Ciao, guys!

=== Cafe Hon [5.15] ===
:'''Gordon''': [Looking for the restaurant] Restaurant with flamingo. [Stops in surprise as he sees a giant pink flamingo above the restaurant] Holy Mackerel. Look at the size of that thing. Wow. Are you serious? Look at that. Wow, wow, wow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[After dinner service chef Greg sitting out back as Chef Ramsay comes out as well]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, Jesus. Uh, what the fuck was that all about?
:'''Greg''': It's a shit job.
:'''Gordon''': Honestly?
:'''Greg''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes head) And is she always like that?
:'''Greg''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': How do you concentrate like that?
:'''Greg''': You can't. I mean, you really can't!
:'''Gordon''': Why would she 86 everything in the middle of service?
:'''Greg''': I cannot tell you.

=== Chiarella's [5.16] ===

=== Zocalo [5.17] ===

== Season 6 ==

=== La Galleria 33 (Part 1) [6.01] ===

=== La Galleria 33 (Part 2) [6.02] ===

=== Mama Maria's [6.03] ===

=== Ms. Jean's Southern Cuisine [6.04] ===

:''[Gordon has been served a pork chop so dry that he sets it upright on the plate]''

:'''Gordon:''' How sad is that? Honestly, come on. How...fucking...depressing...is that? It's like the map of America. ''[points around the pork chop]'' Start on the East Coast. There's California, where that little dark spot is. Come to central, Midwest. Then we have Seattle. We're here. ''[points]'' Pittsburgh. God bless America. ''[swats at a fly]'' Fuck off, fly.

=== Barefoot Bob's [6.05] ===
:''[Showing Marc and sous chef Chris the freezer and what he found in there]''
:'''Gordon''': Look. [Showing bag of pork belly that's raw]
:'''Chris''': Oh what, that is pork fat.
:'''Gordon''': Just hold that two seconds; that's next to this: [Pulls out container of chicken wings not frozen] Fucking wings, and the top is soaking wet because it's fucking full of condensation! And this! [Pulls container out] Who grabs that out there and doesn't think about changing the bowl. Who could be that dirty? Chili?
:'''Chris''': Chili.
:'''Gordon''': Shit around the outside. LOOK AT THE MESS OF THIS PLACE! It's fucking ridiculous! SOMEONE FUCKING MAN UP! [Stares at Chris who is petrified] Young man, you are running a business! Whole wings, next to the fucking raw pork? You'll kill everybody!

=== Revisited #8 [6.06] ===

=== Olde Hitching Post [6.07] ===
:'''Narrator:''' With Chef Ramsay hearing enough of the customer complaints, he decides he needs to further investigate the practices of the kitchen.
:''[Gordon opens up the bag of scallops]''
:'''Gordon:''' Dan?
:'''Dan:''' Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon:''' Do you buy them like that, in milk?
:'''Dan:''' No, we don't buy them like that.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are they like this? They're watery.
:'''Dan:''' Because, unfortunately, they are frozen ones. I know. Sorry.
:'''Gordon:''' Tom. I mean, honestly? Why are you doing this to yourself?
:'''Tom:''' Those were what they were.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are you doing this? ''[Smells his fingers]'' Just smell inside there. [''Smells scallops in the the bag]'' Come on. Just smell inside there.
:'''Tom:''' ''[Smells the scallops]'' Smells beautiful. Ocean fresh.
:'''Gordon:''' &quot;It smells beautiful, ocean fresh?&quot; ''[Shakes his head]'' Kevin, can you get me Andrea, please?
:'''Kevin:''' Andrea! Help back, please?
:'''Andrea:''' Are you kidding me right now?
:'''Gordon:''' So, Andrea, come 'round, please. You got two seconds? The scallops we're serving? They're frozen ones. ''[Points to Tom]'' He's in denial!
:'''Tom:''' I have to talk to you.
:'''Andrea:''' ''(under)'' Relax, Dad.
:'''Tom:''' ''(over)'' No, no no. I need to talk to you.
:'''Andrea:''' Just talk.
:'''Tom:''' There's nothing wrong. I eat myself. If you pick up this bag, I pick 'em up myself this morning. If you take this bag, they've been in the freezer for one day, or twenty-four hours, and pick up this one, you're gonna find the same seafood quality.
:'''Gordon:''' I disagree.
:'''Tom:''' Go ahead and smell this one and smell that one. Tell me what the difference is.
:'''Gordon:''' You're trying to convince me that serving frozen food is better than fresh.
:'''Tom:''' It's not frozen!
:'''Gordon:''' They were in the fucking freezer. You buy them in the bulk fresh, you put them in the bags, you weigh them out...
:'''Tom:''' Yes.
:'''Gordon:''' ...and you freeze them.
:'''Tom:''' Yes, I do.
:'''Gordon:''' And in the morning, you take out ten bags, you let them defrost, they sit in that piss like that, and then you cook them.
:'''Tom:''' Yes, I do that.
:'''Gordon:''' Right.
:'''Tom:''' But you will criticize me. The milk and the smell. You don't smell any different that one from this one. And I say they smell like ocean fresh, and they do!
:'''Gordon:''' So they smell the same once they've been frozen?
:'''Tom:''' It depends if you got 'em for one year in the freezer or one day. ''[Gordon looks in disgust]'' All right, all right.
:'''Gordon:''' You haven't got a clue what you're talking about! They smell fresher once they're defrosted? Shit! You're fucking loopy! They smell fresher after they've been frozen?! Oh, come on!
:'''Tom:''' Anybody's in the restaurant business...
:'''Gordon:''' ''What?!''
:'''Tom:''' ...no matter who he is.
:'''Gordon:''' Rule number one: when studying to be a chef, fresh food doesn't smell or taste fucking better once it's frozen! Shellfish is something you ''never'' freeze! And now, here you are lecturing me that that fucking thing is fresh!
:'''Tom:''' No! ''[Pounds the table]''
:''(After the commercial break)''
:'''Tom:''' It doesn't matter if it's frozen or not!
:'''Gordon:''' It doesn't matter if it's frozen or not?
:'''Tom:''' No!
:'''Gordon:''' You're trying to convince me that this idiotic setup is acceptable. Do you honestly think that your customers would be happy to pay for frozen shit being defrosted rapidly? They are under the impression in your fucking dining room that what you're cooking them is fresh! So, you're not going to convince me that this is better than serving it fresh! ''(To Andrea)'' What I've just said, does that make any sense?
:'''Andrea:''' Yes, it does.
:'''Gordon:''' It does? Thank God you're not as stubborn as your dad!
:'''Tom:''' (interview) If you don't like my food, don't even talk to me. I don't want you.

=== Levanti's Italian Restaurant [6.08] ===
''[Ramsay is inspecting the kitchen during dinner service, and has pulled out rotten chicken]''
:'''Gordon''': Dino? Urgently. That's the chicken we've been serving all night, yes? Why is it standing on that? Look how slimy it is! 
:'''Dino''': How old is that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[smells the chicken]'' Oh, my God! Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Tony, two seconds? Tina, you're part of this. ''[Tony and Tina approaches]''  What. In. The. Fuck. Are we doing? How old is that?
:'''Dino''': I don't know.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the colour of the chicken. Green, and stinking. Hold that. ''[gets the fish]'' What is that?
:'''Tina''': Cod.
:'''Gordon''': In what?! We're serving that! ''[Tony is flabbergasted, Tina hangs her head, and tries to walk out]'' Excuse me? ''[gets a container of sauce from the refrigerator]'' Look at the way we work. ''[gets a pack of wilted basil]'' What is this? Anybody? ''[empties pack of the basil onto a tray]''
:'''Tony''': I have no idea.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no idea? ''[gets another container of sauce from the refrigerator]'' And this? How old is this? ''[takes plastic wrap off container]'' Oh, my God! You disgusting pigs! Look. At. That! Yeah, it's fermented. Just smell that. ''[Tony and Dino  smell the sauce]'' (to Tina) Come on, please. You own it. ''[Ramsay makes Tina take a waft of the sauce]'' Ladies?  ''[servers smell the sauce]'' We've been serving that. See the mould around the side?
:'''Sam''': I thought that was basil. Oh, my God!
:'''Gordon''': No, that's not basil. I wished it ''was'' fucking basil. How long does a sauce sit in the fridge to get mouldy around the top?
:'''Tina''': Quite a long time.
:'''Tony''': (testimonial) I didn't expect to see all of this. They're not doing the job they're supposed to be doing. And these guys, they're going to have a rough time now.
:'''Gordon''': Does the town of Beaver deserve ''[points to the moldy sauce]'' this?
:'''Dino''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': You should be ashamed. Ashamed! (to the Fratangeli siblings) Now, walk out there, and apologise to your guests, and try to do something you've never done in 14 years: fucking work together! ''[turns back on them]''
:'''Tina''': I'm not going out there. ''[the siblings and the chefs leave the kitchen; Tina walks out of the restaurant, leaving Dino to speak]''
:'''Dino''': (to the customers) Excuse me. We appreciate you guys coming out here and trying our restaurant tonight, but we won't be having any more service; Chef Ramsay has shut us down for the evening. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': (overhears Dino's announcement from behind the kitchen) Fucking hell! Oh, God! God! ''[confronts Dino, who has returned to the kitchen]'' Dino, you're telling them that I'm shutting it down?
:'''Dino''': I was just--
:'''Gordon''': I heard you. I was standing behind the door. Chef Ramsay did ''not'' shut this down! I stopped the owners from serving shit food. But I am ''not'' going to continue that! Because you don't realise right now, young man, how bad you've become! So I'm not shutting it down; I'm just stopping you looking more stupid. ''[points to the moldy sauce]''  Did you honestly want to continue serving? So you want to continue? ''[Dino does not answer]'' You want to continue serving? ''[walks out to the dining room]'' Ladies and gentlemen, could I just have your attention for 30 seconds? First of all, my apologies, but I'm not going to BS anybody. I am ''not'' shutting this restaurant down, I am ''stopping'' the owners from serving this disgusting mess! From chicken that's already slimed, off, gone, to disgusting basil that was never fresh, to a tomato sauce that's actually caked in mould. I am ''not'' going to sit here and play party to that.
:'''Tony''': Oh, my God. I'm embarrassed.
:'''Gordon''': And whilst I am totally appreciative for you leaving your homes to come here tonight for dinner, I've got too much respect for you and too much respect for the industry. I am ''not'' going to be part of this any longer. My sincere apologies. ''[walks to the door and bumps into it, not realizing it's a pull door]'' Fucking door!

=== Sam's Mediterranean Kabob Room [6.09] ===
''[after Gordon returns his gyro]''
:'''Jamal''': You guys didn't cook the gyro right. Rubbery as it was.
:'''Emad''': Shut the fuck up! You're stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[as Gordon was served overcooked lamb shank, the Najjar brothers were arguing within the diners' earshot]''
:'''Jamal''': You guys can't do your job right!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you shut the fuck up!?
:'''Sam''': Hey!
:'''Emad''': What!?
:'''Sam''': I don't want to hear any shouting in the kitchen!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you tell him to shut up?
:'''Sam''': Yeah. You too.
''[back at the dining room]''
:'''Gordon''': It looks anaemic, the colour's dreadful, and it tastes just like bland, boiled lamb.
''[at the kitchen, the brothers are still arguing]''
:'''Jamal''': You shouldn't be giving out garbage food. Are you serious?
:'''Samer''': You take over!
:'''Emad''': Why don't you take over!?
:'''Jamal''': I should!
:'''Emad''': Then do it!
:'''Jamal''': If you don't want it, then get out!
:'''Emad''': Do it!
:'''Jamal''': If you don't want it, then get out!
:'''Emad''': You're stupid!
''[at the dining room, the customers can hear arguing]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Leina) Do me a favour, send that back to fucking New Zealand.
:'''Leina''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': (overhearing Jamal, Emad, and Samer arguing) What's going on there?
:'''Leina''': They've been arguing, because he's (Jamal) telling him (Emad) that he doesn't know how to cook.
''[the brothers are still arguing as Ramsay speaks]''
:'''Emad''': Idiot, dude. Just go back to the front.
:'''Jamal''': Horrible. Horrible.
:'''Emad''': Who cares about his opinion? 
:'''Leina''': He says that the lamb, it just tasted like it was boiled in water. And he said, &quot;Send this back to New Zealand.&quot;
:'''Sam''': (testimonial) He tried it and he said, &quot;There is no flavor in it!&quot; But I believed myself I make the best lamb shank here in California. (back at the kitchen) I don't really know what to do. (waves a pan at Emad as if wanting to hit him with it)
:'''Jamal''': What were you doing again? Oh, yeah. Cook your food wrong.
:'''Wesam''': Nobody's talking to you! Stay back there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leina''': Chef Ramsay wants to see everybody, outside.
''(the Najjar brothers goes out of the kitchen to the dining room)''
:'''Gordon''': Before I start talking about the dishes, what was the fighting going on there?
:'''Wesam''': He just like to come back and argue pretty much about nothing.
:'''Jamal''': Actually, when we get a complaint, I tell them what's going on, and they can't take criticism.
:'''Samer''': No, that's not it.
:'''Jamal''': Let me talk!
:'''Samer''': You're making it seem that you're better than everything!
:'''Jamal''': (to Samer) So why are you still talking when I'm talking!? (to Gordon) If I come back there and let them know, &quot;Hey, this is dry&quot;, &quot;Hey, the hummus is messed up&quot;--
:'''Wesam''': No, we really accept that. But the fact that you come over there and, &quot;Hey, you guys can't cook. You guys are shit&quot;--
:'''Jamal''': I didn't say that!
''(the brothers continuing to argue)''
:'''Leina''': Okay, okay!
:'''Sam''': That's what I have everyday.
:'''Gordon''': Can I start talking about my lunch? The &quot;combo plate&quot;: eggplants, out of the can; hummus, bland; falafel, bland. Sam, you recommended lamb shank, but the bones were disintegrating. When the bones start disintegrating, that's three hours over-cooked.
:'''Sam''': I don't know what to tell you.
:'''Gordon''': Have you given up?
:'''Sam''': Not yet.
:'''Gordon''': Top sirloin: it was miles away from medium rare.
:'''Jamal''': Umm! (condescendingly points lips at Emad)
:'''Emad''': What are you &quot;umm&quot;-ing about? Shut up!
:'''Jamal''': Okay, no, no. 
:'''Emad''': I have nothing to do about --
:'''Leina''': Okay, okay.
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong?
:'''Emad''': He's (points at Jamal) making a scene like it's all my fault. He said, &quot;Umm, umm&quot; (mimics Jamal's condescension) like I'm doing something wrong.
:'''Jamal''': Yeah, who's been messing up all day before you walked in? So you know who's here, can't you just, like, step up?
:'''Emad''': You should have stepped up!
:'''Jamal''': I'm telling you guys what's wrong --
:'''Randah''': Okay. He (Jamal) wasn't in that position that day, so stop putting the blame on him. You guys (points at Emad, Wesam, and Samer) were cooking. 
:'''Jamal''': Who cooked his (Ramsay's) food?
:'''Wesam''': You were criticizing us all day!
:'''Randah''': Even if he was criticizing, you guys cooked the food!
:'''Jamal''': You guys were giving messed-up food. That's what happened, right? Then try it! Then tell me what you think.
:'''Gordon''': I've never seen anything like this. (to Emad) Have you given up?
:'''Emad''': (nods) Kind of.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Kind of.&quot; Do you care?
:'''Emad''': Not really.
:'''Gordon''': It shows you don't care.

=== Nino's Italian Restaurant [6.10] ===

:'''Michael''': Just like last night, he went up to every table and said, &quot;Hello, my name's Ninoooo!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You are in denial!
:'''Nino''': No! I'm not!
:'''Gordon''': Bullshitting me and blowing smoke up my ass, telling me you work eight hours a day cleaning, telling me the food is great, people love it. I am shitting myself. The chef--
:'''Nino''': Well, then you need to wear diapers. (Gordon looks askance at him) You shouldn't be shittin' on yourself.
:'''Gordon''': Are you okay?
:'''Nino''': Yeah, I'm fine.
:'''Gordon''': Or are you just trying to act like a fuckin' idiot to make yourself sound better?
:'''Nino''': No, I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
:'''Gordon''': Then stop sounding like one.
:'''Nino''': You sound like a fuckin' idiot yourself.
:'''Gordon''': ''I'' sound like an idiot?
:'''Nino''': You used the word &quot;fuckin&quot;, so I brought it back to you. I think that's... kinda gross.
:'''Corinna''': (stepping in) Nino, we need to calm down.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. Now, I know the problem in this restaurant. I'm staring at it.
:'''Nino''': Yeah. And I'm staring at it as well.
:'''Michael''': (interview) To be honest, I don't know what's in Nino's head.
:'''Gordon''': Are we done?
:'''Michael''': (interview) It's almost like he's completely mentally unstable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

=== Mill Street Bistro Part 1 [6.11] ===
''[Overlaid with the chefs taking food out of the freezer and nuking it in the microwave]''
:'''Joe: '''We do things with passion, with integrity... the food here at the bistro is the freshest, hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Joe's infamous &quot;micro-carrots&quot;]''
:'''Gordon:''' And these are... little carrots?
:'''Joe:''' Micro-carrots.
:'''Gordon:''' Micro-carrots? From...
:'''Joe:''' From a local farm.
:'''Gordon:''' Do you not think you should let it grow a bit?
:'''Joe:''' Well, I don't think they're there to be really eaten, they're for garnish.
:'''Gordon:''' Okay.
:'''Joe:''' It's a garnish. Nice to add some color.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh.
:'''Joe:''' But I would like to explain what we're spending on micro-carrots.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah. Can we go through this after?
:''[Gordon hands the carrots to Joe]''
:'''Joe: ''' ''[interview]'' I have staff here that'll take care of that. You don't hand me raw food in MY dining room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[post-lunch meeting]''
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something: You’re not a chef. Stop pretending to be one.
:'''Joe:''' Did I tell you I was a chef?
:'''Gordon:''' You told me you trained with the best chefs in Europe.
:'''Joe:''' I didn't fucking tell you that! ''(flashback to earlier at Joe’s farm)'' I am self-taught by old-school Europeans. Master chefs that had a liking to me.
:''(back to Mill Street Bistro)''
:'''Gordon:''' Who is the chef here?
:'''Joe:''' It's my kitchen, I'm the chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You just told me you're not, but now you are.
:'''Joe:''' I'm not a certified chef, like yourself.
:'''Gordon:''' No, I know that, but who cooks?
:'''Joe:''' I do.
:'''Gordon:''' Right. So you're the head chef. You write the menus, you dictate the special features.
:'''Joe:''' Correct.
:'''Gordon:''' Let me tell you something: You're not a fine-dining bistro. You're a small man with a fake bistro. You're shooting way above your station. You’ve totally misjudged your market, because all these pretentious ideas that you think are gonna work are screwed.
:'''Joe:''' What are you referring to?
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, here we go. I'll make it easy for you.
:'''Joe:''' Yeah, I speak English too.
:'''Gordon:''' Store-bought chocolate cake garnished with fake flowers. You don't even cook. You just prance around behind the line throwing raw bits of carrots on top of raw pastry. I've never come across a bistro anywhere in the world with name tags.
:'''Joe:''' In the world?
:'''Gordon:''' In the world.
:'''Joe:''' In the world? We'll research that.
:'''Gordon:''' You are so fucking arrogant, you don't even listen to your customers, let alone your staff. You have a gifted young group of servers that told me more problems and issues in the first 20 minutes of meeting them than you have done all fucking day.
:'''Joe:''' (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Now it's funny.
:'''Joe:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' From a fake fireplace to fake garnish, yet you want me to blow fucking smoke up your phony arse!
:'''Joe:''' I don't want you to blow smoke up my phony ass.
:'''Gordon:''' Wow.
:'''Joe:''' It was petite micro-carrots that was the garnish.
:'''Gordon:''' It's not just about the carrots. Carrots is just a fucking example of 20 things that have gone wrong!
:'''Joe:''' You're busting my balls!
:'''Gordon:''' Because you're in fucking denial!
:''(one of the employees whistles and imitates a bomb dropping)''
:'''Gordon:''' You want me just to come in and change your carrots, and make some fresh fucking chocolate cake for you?
:'''Joe:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' I'm lost for words. Uh, I don't know what to say. Do you know what you could do for me? Impress me with your dinner service. Show me how you function, “Chef.”
:'''Joe:''' Do you want to see what comes back? Our elk does not come back.
:'''Gordon:''' I'm deeply sorry your feelings are hurt.
:'''Joe:''' My fucking feelings ain't hurt. You can't hurt my feelings.
:'''Gordon:''' You're ignoring my advice.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not.
:'''Gordon:''' And you're going up against me.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not ignoring your advice.
:'''Gordon:''' Yes, you are.
:'''One of the employees:''' I feel like Christmas has come early.
:'''Gordon:''' Defensive, ignorant, and in complete denial.
:'''Joe:''' And guess what? If I'm all that, you're my twin!
:'''Gordon:''' What?
:'''Joe:''' Yeah, 'cause I've been called you here many times. So let's get over the bullshit.
:'''Gordon:''' (softly in Joe’s ear) I can cook, Joe. (normal) When you have the arrogance to stand in front of me and charge your locals 35 fucking dollars for entrées that are inedible, have a look at yourself, man.
:'''Joe:''' People seem to enjoy it.
:'''Gordon:''' Bull-shit.
:'''Joe:''' Bull-shit.
:'''Gordon:''' (sighs) Fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after examining the fridge and finding no meat from Joe’s farm despite what Joe claimed earlier]''
:'''Gordon:''' Joe, I get upset when I see fakery from a frozen ravioli, a frozen perch, frozen oysters. And when you deny it, that makes me mad.
:'''Joe:''' Well, let's talk about that.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, because you're making up stories.
:'''Joe:''' I'm not making up stories.
:'''Gordon:''' Yes, you are. That's how fucking deluded you are.
:'''Joe:''' No, I'm not deluded. We have fresh stuff, okay?
:'''Gordon:''' I'm struggling here to stay in this building right now. I swear to God.
:'''Joe:''' Gordon, I got to cook right now.
:'''Gordon:''' Now isn’t a good time? I wish you would. I'm standing here watching a dead man walking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[examining and debating over the onion soup]''
:'''Gordon:''' Are they raw onions in there? What's that? Did you put raw onions in there?
:'''Tom:''' I didn’t; no.
:'''Gordon:''' Why are we doing this to each other?
:'''Tom:''' I don’t know.
:'''Gordon:''' Is this a wind-up? Look at me. You're putting raw onions in the soup. I don't know if you're just fucking around. I'm—I'm lost, Joe. Why are you doing this?
:'''Joe:''' You said earlier that it needed more onions. Okay? We responded by putting the onions in there, so they had more of a bite to it.
:'''Gordon:''' It's raw. What's the matter with you? We send that out, it’s going to come straight back!
:'''Joe:''' What do you want to hear?
:'''Gordon:''' Take it off, Joe!
:'''Joe:''' Take it off the menu?
:'''Gordon:''' 86 it! Save whatever little reputation you've got left! MAN! Surely you've got a bit more respect than that! I'm trying to reason with you, Joe.
:'''Joe:''' I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' Fine.
:'''Joe:''' I get it.
:'''Gordon:''' Fine! But I am not here to show an idiot you can't put fucking raw onions in an onion soup! I can't teach you that! That's called common sense! That, in your tiny mind, is not common!
:'''Joe:''' Pardon?
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tom) Come here, you. Should we put raw onions in a caramelised onion soup?! '''''TELL HIM!!'''''
:'''Tom:''' (to Joe) No.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Tom) Thank you! (to Joe) You've got talented staff to tell you that! '''''Ask your chef!'''''

=== Mill Street Bistro Part 2 [6.12] ===

:'''Joe''': ''[starts making an elk quesadilla]'' Do you want to see how we make this crap?
:'''Gordon''': I haven't got the appetite, Joe.
:'''Joe''': I know because you wouldn't come over here and say &quot;Don't get it that crispy.&quot; or &quot;Don't do that with it.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you on? What the fuck are you on? I won't come over here saying &quot;Get that a bit crispy&quot;. An elk quesadilla that you want confirmation that it's a fucking good dish? When are you going to pull your head out of your fucking arsehole?! For a man who stands there and boasts at his fucking farm and his goats and you want me to talk about this?! Seriously?! Wake up, Joe! You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Joe''': We're making these two these. You know what I'm saying? I know you don't like the dish.
:'''Gordon''': It's disgusting, Joe!
:'''Joe''': So you wouldn't give me any input on it?
:'''Gordon''': Get rid of it!
:'''Joe''': You want me to get rid of it right fucking now?!
:'''Gordon''': I would! I would!
:'''Joe''': Get rid of the fucking thing! We don't have it!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, here we go! Here we go!
:'''Joe''': We don't have it!
:'''Gordon''': Here we fucking go!
:'''Joe''': Make yourself clear.
:'''Gordon''': Stop asking such ridiculous questions! &quot;Come over here and tell me it's crispy.&quot; '''''ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!!'''''
:'''Joe''': So don't - fucking - serve the thing, right?
:'''Gordon''': '''WHOSE RESTAURANT IS THIS?!'''
:'''Joe''': It's my restaurant, and I'm asking for fuckin' help!
:'''Gordon''': ''(over)'' '''THEN ACT... FUCKING RESPONSIBLE!!!'''
:'''Joe''': I'm asking for FUCKIN' help!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Joe''': YOU wake up!
:'''Gordon''': IDIOT!!
:'''Joe''': Fuckin' come in here and help me, instead of running your jaw!
:'''Gordon''': You shouldn't even be in the kitchen! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!
:'''Joe''': ''(under)'' Go ahead! Go ahead! You put it all together! You got it right!
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Tom)'' Let's finish this. Let's finish it. ''(to Joe)'' FUCK OFF THEN!
:'''Joe''': You fuck off!
:'''Gordon''': ''(throws the quesadillas on the floor)'' Yeah, and take that shit with you! That's right, we're stopping an elk quesadilla! Breaking news in Mexico!
:'''Joe''': That's all I'm asking!
:'''Gordon''': '''''GET OUT!!!''''' Now we got rid of the fucking problem. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-real.

=== Yanni's (6.13) ===
:'''Gordon:''' Greasy as anything. It's a huge ball of grease. I love moussaka, but that is miles off. Moussaka? Mou-&lt;i&gt;suck.&lt;/i&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[having gathered the staff in the kitchen]''
:'''Gordon:''' I've never seen this before! Every fucking fridge is full of fresh stuff and old stuff. Unfortunately, the old stuff's tainting the fresh stuff, so what you ''think'' is fresh is no longer fresh. And those poor fuckers out there are eating this.
:'''Alyse:''' Can I-? 
:'''Gordon:''' No, you can't. I'm not going to let you cook any more. Yeah, that's right. You want to continue cooking? You think it's funny, do you? No, Alyse, if anyone can walk past ROTTEN food in a fridge, and continue cooking fresh, you shouldn't be FUCKIN' anywhere near food! And then when I hear, &quot;Oh, I've never seen that before!&quot; THEN OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES!
:''[pause]''
:'''Peter:''' I just don't believe this. You know, what happened to &quot;check things&quot;?
:'''Alyse:''' I don't know what happened.
:'''Peter:''' ''(fishing out a beer can from a bucket)'' What the fuck is this!? Do you guys like this shit to drink? Don't leave those in there for so long! ''(gestures wildly to the fridge) Look!'' Look in there! That's embarrassing!
:'''Alyse:''' But we don't ''use'' it.
:'''Peter:''' I can't keep up with everything! I fuckin' baby-sit you like kids! And you still fuck me! I don't need to baby-sit; if I want to baby-sit, I'd go baby-sit my granddaughter! She's more fun than you guys!

=== Prohibition Grille [6.14] ===
:'''Rishi:''' I thought it would be a good idea to open a restaurant.
:'''Gordon:''' Were you intoxicated at the time?

=== Chappy's [6.15] ===
:'''Gordon''': Looks like Chappy took a crappy in my gumbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I’m not going to say this in front of your staff - you’re a joke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': You’ve taught every chef in the world how not to cook.

=== Amy's Baking Company [6.16] ===
:'''Amy''': I am going to really ''hurt'' somebody if they send back my cakes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Customer''': We're waiting on one pizza.
:'''Samy''': It's coming now. It's coming now, now.
:'''Customer''': You keep saying that. You've been saying that for an hour.
:'''Amy''': Look at him. He's like, &quot;where's my pizza?&quot;
:'''Customer''': Heh, really?
:'''Amy''': Send him home!
:'''Samy''': Yeah, your pizza, it's coming. You want to wait, you wait. You don't want, pay what did you have, and you fuck off from here, do you understand?
:'''Amy''': Samy.
:'''Samy''': DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU FUCK YOURSELF! ''OUT'', YOU MOTHERFUCKER! 
:'''Customer''': Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Samy''': You - OUT! Don't stay in here, go out!!
:'''Customer''': Are you fucking kidding me right now?
:'''Samy''': I FUCKIN' - FUCK YOU!
:'''Amy''': Samy, please -
:'''Customer''': I hope this place goes under.
:'''Amy''': Call the police!
:'''Samy''': Shut up! You pay and go!
:'''Customer''': Pay for what? I didn't have anything! Are they for real?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amy''': [somewhat hysterical after Samy fights several customers] This is - you guys, I make excellent food! You motherfuckers, you all... think that you can come in here and say these things? Are you kidding me!? This is ridiculous! I've never seen anything like this before!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon catches with Samy pocketing the tips]''
:'''Gordon''': Wow. Ten-dollar tip?
:'''Samy''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Nice. For you?
:'''Samy''': Of course, yeah. Why not?
:'''Gordon''': Don't you think the girl deserves some tips tonight?
:'''Samy''': No. They get paid hourly.
:'''Gordon''': And so, did you think that if I went and asked every customer that when they leave a tip, it goes straight to the owner and not to the server, do you think they'd be astounded? Let me ask that table there. (to the customers at the table) Sir, the tip that you left to the young lady server, the owner takes the tips.
:'''Customers''': That's horrible!
:'''Samy''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Gordon''': Hey - (turning on Samy) '''''Don't FUCK with me!'''''
:'''Samy''': Yeah, I will fuck with you! Who the fuck do you think you are!?
:'''Amy''': Oh, my god. Samy's going to hurt him.
:'''Gordon''': I'm fed up. I'm getting sick and tired of your bullshit.
:'''Samy''': Don't speak with me like a villain.
:'''Gordon''': Well then fucking answer my question.
:'''Samy''': (under him) I am the gangster, not you. 
:'''Gordon''': Then fucking answer my question. Tell the customers they're going to get their tips!
:'''Samy''': No, they don't.
:'''Gordon''': They should be told that you're taking them, because these servers deserve them.
:'''Samy''': You want to speak with me?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, I want to speak with you.
:'''Samy''': Do you want to fuck with me? I will fuck with you.
:'''Gordon''': I don't want to fuck with you.
:'''Samy''': Then, I will fuck with you.
:'''Amy''': Oh, my god. What a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I can't help people... that can't help themselves... and cannot ever take one ounce of criticism. And if you're not willing to change, I'm not going to butt heads, argue, scream, whatever you want to say. But, this is not normal. And it's not normal for a restaurant to go through that many staff. It's not normal for a kitchen that small to have 65 items on the menu. And it's not normal for the level of animosity that you built inside this restaurant and outside. You have the right to run the business the way you want to run your business. I have the right to do the right thing. And the right thing for me... is to get out of here. Good luck.
:''[Gordon leaves via the restaurant's front door]''
:'''Gordon''': Wow.
:'''Samy''': This is what you wanted?
:'''Amy''': Yeah, of course this is what I wanted. I'm not participating in this shit, give me a break! (points to her microphone) Can I take this thing off me? (interview) We don't need his help! Maybe he knows that.
:''[the production crew is shown dismantling the camera and lighting equipment]''
:'''Crew member:''' It all has to come down.
:'''Amy''': (interview) And now he's gone, he walked away. He'll go on with his life, and Samy and I will go on with our life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Well, it's finally happened. After almost a hundred Kitchen Nightmares, I met two owners who I could not help. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because they are incapable of listening. And in a short period of time, they've managed to piss off the community and go through over a hundred employees in one year. Samy and Amy continued to blame everyone else, yet their biggest problem is themselves. And I know whatever changes I would've made, they were never going to stick with them and that's why I've decided to do something I've never done before. It's such a shame.
:''[Gordon walks to and enters his car, starts the engine, and drives off]''

== Season 7 ==

=== Return to Amy's Baking Company [7.01] ===

=== Pantaleone's [7.02] ===
:''(Paulette has just placed a HUGE pizza in front of Gordon]''
:'''Paulette: '''Here's your sausage pizza.
:'''Gordon: ''' ''[eyes wide as saucers]'' Holy crap...
:'''Paulette: '''Isn't that ridiculous?
:'''Gordon: ''' ''[facepalms]'' It's like the pizza that ate Denver.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Remarking on a disappointing meatball hero sandwich]''
:'''Gordon: '''Definitely not a hero, there. There's a typo on the menu. It's not &quot;hero&quot;, it's &quot;zero&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After pouring a sinister yellow liquid off his linguine with clams]''
:'''Gordon: ''' Looks like one of the worst urine samples you could ever give.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Gordon conducts a taste test... and Pete's pizza does not exactly come out looking good...]''
:'''Gordon: ''' I think, Pete, you've overestimated how good your pizza is. ... I did a little research in Denver. Here's the results in a nutshell. 75 percent of our taste-testers preferred pizza A from the top local Italian restaurant. In second place, with 15 percent of the votes, was a store-bought frozen pizza. And in third, and last position, was yours, with 10 percent ONLY of the votes. Yours was the least favourite, you're actually beaten by a store-bought fucking frozen pizza. Get the message?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete: '''I love you, you old Brit.

=== Old Neighborhood [7.03] ===
:'''Gordon''': How can I help two individuals who don't care about what they're doing?
:'''Randy''': We do care.
:'''Alexa''': We care tremendously.
:'''Gordon''': So, why didn't you do anything before I got here?
:'''Randy''': We did. I can't tell you how many hours we cleaned.
:'''Gordon''': You cleaned before I got here?
:'''Randy''': I threw out my clothes on Monday, I was so encased with grease.
:'''Gordon''': How long?
:'''Randy''': How many hours?
:'''Gordon''': HOW MANY DAYS?!
:'''Randy''': Five?
:'''Gordon''': SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?!!
:'''Alexa''': We just need to stop.
:'''Gordon''': ''[walking out of the restaurant]'' What a fucking mess!

=== Kati Allo [7.04] ===
:''[food comes from lift]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that? Where is this coming from?
:'''Chef:''' This is for the special.
:'''Gordon:''' For the special. That's all hot. No, I know, but wait. It's all hot. Where is it coming from?
:'''Chef:''' Downstairs.
:'''Gordon:''' So you have a team of chefs downstairs as well?
:'''Chef:''' No. Only one woman... put in the microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' Only one woman?
:'''Chef:''' Yes. That's all the work she do.
:'''Gordon:''' [yelling down the lift] Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow. [talking to Christina] Christina, there's a lady downstairs that heats this stuff up.
:'''Christina:''' Yeah, she puts these in the microwave.
:'''Gordon:''' What is that?

=== Mangia, Mangia (Part 1) [7.05] ===
:'''Julie''': Our spinach has never never never never NEVER looked like this!!

:'''Kevin''': This restaurant runs like the &lt;i&gt;Jerry Springer Show.&lt;/i&gt;

:'''Mike''': The food... isn't cooked with much love. It's cooked with stress and a microwave.

=== Mangia, Mangia (Part 2) [7.06] ===
:'''Janelle''': Hey Kevin, let's talk about how many times you haven't shown up to work without your tie.
:'''Kevin''': Two times.
:'''Janelle''': You're so disrespectful to her! You need to show a little respect!
:'''Trevor''': She doesn't listen to anything we have to fucking say!
:'''Janelle''': She tries to but you guys don't give her a chance!
:'''Julie''': Trevor, I have talked to you a hundred times about, stop! I've talked to you over and fucking over, you fucking know I'm not fucking lying, you are! I have sat down and talked to you so many fucking times and said &quot;What can we do to make this better?&quot; and you never fucking say fucking anything, so that's a fucking lie!
:'''Trevor''': But when I do say something, it gets shut down!
:'''Julie''': You are fucking lying, you fucking fuck!
:'''Trevor''': Whatever!
:'''Janelle''': She's given you so many chances Trevor and you know it! Let's talk about your habits for a second and all the times, you've come in so high that you throw fuck at the walls! So high, you fucking punch people!
:'''Trevor''': WHO INTERROGATES IT?! YOU!!!
:'''Janelle''': NO, FUCKING YOU!!
:'''Trevor''': YOU OUGHT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RESTAURANT SO WE CAN WORK!!
:'''Janelle''': NO!! I DON'T FUCKING OWE YOU ANYTHING!! YOU'RE SO FUCKING HIGH ALL THE FUCKING TIME THAT WHEN YOU GO OFF FUCKING DRUGS, YOU'RE SO ANGRY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING WORK!
:'''Gordon''': Drugs? Who's on drugs?
:'''Janelle''': He's a fucking tweaker! AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING TWEAKER! YOU'VE BEEN DOING DRUGS FOR THREE YEARS!!!
:'''Gordon''': Janelle, Janelle.
:'''Julie''': Janelle, come here.
:'''Janelle''': NO, FUCK HIM!! '''HE DESERVES TO BE FIRED AND YOU KNOW IT!!! HE TRIED TO FUCKING PUNCH ME!!!! AND IF I WOULD'VE LET HIM RIGHT NOW, I KNOW HE WOULD'VE FUCKING PUNCHED ME AGAIN!!!''' HE'S SUCH A FUCKING FUCKHOLE!! HE'S SO DISRESPECTFUL!! (cries)
:'''Gordon''': Okay, stay away from him now. Darling, go inside the restaurant please, and get a glass of water please.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gordon:'''&lt;i&gt;[handing Mike a dish of lasagna]&lt;/i&gt; Okay, now into the microwave for four minutes--
:''[Mike, out of habit, reaches for it. Gordon yanks it back.]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fuck off. Are you serious?!
:''[Everyone laughs.]''
:'''Gordon:''' You're good at taking orders, but you've got a brain. Use it.

=== Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 1) [7.07] ===
:'''Gordon''': I've got a little quiz. Are you ready for this? ... How do you spell 'bistro'?
:'''Mark''': B-I-S-T-R-O.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, good. Now, how do you spell 'dining'?
:''[Mark puzzles for a moment]''
:'''Mark''': D-I-N-N-I-N-G.
''[Gordon rolls his eyes]''
''[Amel laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': So, you wrote this menu?
:''[Mark laughs, nervously]''

=== Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 2) [7.08] ===

=== Bella Luna [7.09] ===
:''[Gordon meeting Traci, the manager, and discussing the problems with the restaurant]''
:'''Gordon:''' Are the locals biting?
:'''Traci:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' No? No one's biting?
:'''Traci:''' No. Not at all. And this place should be banging. We have to do things. I run a 50 Shades Of Grey bingo on Thursday night.
:'''Gordon:''' Say that again?
:'''Traci:''' 50 Shades Of Grey bingo.
:'''Gordon:''' Bingo?
:'''Traci:''' It's adult bingo.
:'''Gordon:''' Adult bingo?
:'''Traci:''' Yeah.
:'''Gordon:''' Are handcuffs involved?
:'''Traci:''' No.
:'''Gordon:''' No?
:'''Traci:''' Well, they could be if you wanted them.
:'''Gordon:''' But, I mean, why would you-- ''[facepalms]'' No, God, no. Geez, man.
:'''Traci:''' ''[laughing]''
:'''Gordon:''' I just arrived!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Are you kidding me? (to the staff) All of you, quick! ''(staff comes to Gordon)'' If you think I'm serving that, you're dreaming. We may as well go back to where we were!
:'''One of the staff:''' All right.
:'''Gordon:''' All of a sudden, we've just dropped our fucking standards! The next person that throws that out at me, I will throw them out!
:'''One of the staff:''' Yes, Chef.
:'''Gianfranco:''' Come on, guys, let's go.
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, you. ''(takes Gianfranco outside)'' Is that what—is that what you busted your arse off for?
:'''Gianfranco:''' No. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon:''' Come on!
:'''Gianfranco:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' It's in front of your eyes. Get 'em together! ''(throws plate of lasagna on the ground)''

{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:FOX shows]]
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    <title>Wolverine and the X-Men (TV series)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:F40:907:4F7F:F98C:CF72:CC79:3EEB</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Stolen Lives */</comment>
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      <text bytes="29602" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Wolverine and the X-Men (TV series)|Wolverine and the X-Men]]''''' is an American animated television series about the Marvel Comics superhero team '''[[X-Men]]'''. For quotes from other X-men series, see &quot;See Also&quot; at the bottom of the page.

==Season One==
===Hindsight, Part 1===
:'''Kitty/Colossus''': (are running a course in the Danger Room)
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Kitty]]''': ''[To Piotr, who's trapped by two metal walls].'' Admit it, Peter. You're being schooled by a girl. (a mechanical arm sneaks up and wraps around her arms) Whoa!
:'''[[w:Colossus (comics)|Piotr]]''': ''[After Kitty gets captured by a mechanical arm].'' Well, well. Look's like school is out. (laughs as Kitty struggles)
:'''Kurt''': (teleports through a bunch of shots then looks up to Kitty's cries for help)
:'''Kitty''': ''[Trapped by a mechanical arm].'' Somebody get me down!
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Kurt]]''': ''[Teleporting near her].'' Why don't you just phase through it?
:'''Kitty''': And fall on my face? No thanks. Now come on and help me out.
:'''Kurt''': You're an X-man. Do it yourself. ''[Teleports away].''
:'''Kitty''': Kurt! (sighs) Argh. (struggles then looks at her best friend expectantly) Peter!  
:'''Piotr''': (grins till he feel himself get lifted by a large magnet) Uh oh, this is not so good. (as the Magnet is placed next to a stuck Kitty) Hello, Kitty!
:'''Kitty''': ''[Groans].'' Great! (meaning she wanted him to held her down) You're a lot of help.
:'''Kurt''': (sitting near a cylider) Five more seconds and I win! (he gets stuck to the ceiling by glue then loads of automatic weapons cock ready to fire)
:'''Kitty''': Uh... what just happened?
:'''Piotr''': (glares at Logan) ''He'' happened.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beast (comics)|Hank]]''': What about you, Logan? You're not the type to ''pop in'' for no reason.
:'''Logan''': It's those ''freaking'' Mardees. They're out of control, Hank.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Those cells we emptied... they'll be full again tomorrow. And the next day.
:'''Logan''': Yeah... Hank, we both know what's going on. There's a war coming. And it ain't gonna be pretty.
:'''Hank''': I agree. So, what's next?
:'''Logan''': ...We bring back the X-Men.

===Hindsight, Part 2===
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Pietro]]''': Give Senator Kelly a message from the Brotherhood: There's no stopping the mutants. We're coming for ''him'' next.

----
:'''Rogue''': Don't compare yourself to me. You're a ''criminal.'' You're making it hard for all of us.
:'''Domino''': It was hard long before we got involved. We're not the ones who picked this fight, Rogue. We're just standing up for ourselves, and for those who can't fight back.
:'''Rogue''': By terrorizing the city?
:'''Domino''': By ''refusing'' to back down. Rogue, don't you ever get tired of being bullied? Of being hated just because you're different? And now they want us to ''register.'' Come on, what's next, locking us up? It's time we stop being victims. It's time we ''unite.'' Rogue, you feel the same way, I know you do.

----
:'''Domino''': We're not the X-Men. We don't ''abandon'' our own. And if you doubt that, just look at Toad.

----
:''[Rundown hotel: Scott is watching a news report.]''
:'''Newscaster''': ''[On TV]'' With his Mutant Registration Act hanging in the balance, the senator has promised a press conference sometime tomorrow from an undisclosed location.
:''[Scott tries to turn off the TV using the remote, but is unsuccessful. He throws aside the remote, then removes his glasses and blasts the TV into the wall.]''
:'''Logan''': ''[Kicks down the door, then approaches Scott]'' Nice digs. You done feeling sorry for yourself?
:'''Scott''': Don't go there, Logan.
:'''Logan''': Look at you. You're no good to anybody now, are you?
:'''Scott''': ''[Angrily]'' Get outta here!
:'''Logan''': So without Jean, there's no one worth fighting for. Huh, so much for the big hero. When the going gets tough, the tough pack it in. Is that it? Huh?
:''[Scott blasts Logan out of his apartment through a wall.]''
:'''Logan''': Good talk.
:''[Scott looks at Logan, then walks away.]''

----
:'''Warren''': Logan, what happened today... You tried to save a man who hates you. That is ''exactly'' what Charles Xavier would've done.

----
:''[Bobby's house.]''
:'''Hank''': Bobby is eighteen after all. Legally, he can decide for himself.
:'''Bobby's mother''': You are not getting our son back! We will not let him leave this house!
:'''Bobby's father''': You guys nearly got him killed last year.
:'''Hank''': But&amp;ndash;
:'''Bobby''': ''[Comes down the stairs]'' This isn't fair! I wanna go with them!
:'''Bobby's mother''': Bobby, wait for us upstairs.
:'''Hank''': Mr. and Mrs. Drake, please. Just talk to him about it.
:'''Bobby's mother''': I've already called the police. They're on their way.
:''[Bobby's father slams the door in Hank's face.]''
:'''Logan''': Okay, we tried it your way. ''[Kicks open the door, to Bobby]'' You comin' or what?
:''[Excited, Bobby runs out of the house.]''
:'''Logan''': ''[To Bobby's parents]'' Your son's a mutant. Deal with it.
:''[Hank closes the door. He, Logan, and Bobby get into the helicopter and fly away.]''
:'''Bobby''': All right, the X-Men are back!
:'''Logan''': Well, kind of. It's just us.
:'''Bobby''': Oh. What about Kitty? Couldn't you catch her before she left?
:'''Logan''': You know where she is?
:'''Bobby''': She told me she's heading to Genosha. Her ship left this morning.

===Hindsight, Part 3===
:'''[[w:Emma Frost|Emma]]''': I've decided to join the X-Men.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Logan]]''': ''You'' decided? ...Well, here's my decision: ''NO!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Shadowcat (comics)|Kitty]]''': ''[To Bobby, about Emma Frost].'' She's a telepath, remember? She ''knows'' what you're thinking.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Rundown hotel: Scott is sleeping, the TV still embedded in the wall. He hears a sound, then sits up and is about to remove his glasses.]''
:'''Logan''': ''[Unsheathes his claws in Scott's face]'' Holster those eyebeams, frat boy.
:'''Scott''': There's nothing else you could say, Logan. I'm not coming back.
:'''Logan''': Magneto's got the professor.
:'''Scott''': And Jean?
:'''Logan''': ''[Retracts his claws]'' No, just Charles. Now, are you in?
:''[Scott thinks for a moment, then turn to look at Logan, a look of determination on his face.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You'd like to ask me about Jean. So do it.
:'''Scott:''' Would have detected her if she was in Genosha?
:'''Emma:''' Yes. And given time I could locate her wherever she is. Assuming I'm around.
:'''Scott:''' What do you mean?
:'''Emma:''' Ask Logan. If he has his way I'll be gone my tomorrow.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Logan''': Whatever's eatin' away at us, we get past it. We rise to the occasion, because we're a ''team.'' And we got a job to do. ''[Puts on his mask].'' The world needs the X-Men.

===Overflow===
:'''[[w:Professor X|Xavier]]''': Don't be alarmed, Logan. We're still at the institute. But this is what you might call... a meeting of the minds on the [[w:Astral Plane|Astral Plane]]. It's through here I'm able to communicate to you from the future.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Logan]]''': It's... really good to see you, Chuck.
:'''Xavier''': And you, my friend. I only wish I were bringing better news.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Emma''': Your attempts to manipulate me are ''demeaning.'' If I perform to your satisfaction, you favor me by extending my stay here. If I assist you, that ends. ''Now.''
:'''Logan''': ''I'm'' manipulating ''you?'' You showed up at ''my'' door and traded your telepathy for a spot on the team. Who's using ''who?''
:'''Emma''': I found the Professor for you. I've ''earned'' my place with the X-Men.
:'''Logan''': Just like the others, you have to continue earning it ''every day.''
:'''Emma''': But you trust ''them.''
:'''Logan''': Because they've earned ''that,'' too.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Wolverine:''' Diamond? Would've been nice to know you could that.
:'''Emma:''' It's not my favorite form. It prevents me from using my telepathy.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Shoot her down!
:'''Cyclops:''' Are you insane!?
:'''Emma:''' It's her or Africa! You choose!

===Thieves Gambit===
:'''Magma:''' Well, I guess this is goodbye.
:'''Wolverine:''' You don't have to go back to Brazil, you know. We got plenty of room at the institue.
:'''Man:''' Amara!
:'''Magma:''' I...can't.
:'''Wolverine:''' If you change your mind, it's standing invitation.
:'''Magma:''' Thank you. Goodbye.
:'''Wolverine:''' Amara, have to take the collar back.
:'''Magma:''' Please. Let me keep it.
:'''Wolverine:''' I would. But, unfortunately, it ain't healthy to wear it too long.
:'''Magma:''' Okay.

===X-Caliber===
===Wolverine vs. Hulk===

===Time Bomb===
===Future X===

===Greetings from Genosha===
:'''Magneto:''' And and Wanda so liked you.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler:''' ''This'' is your paradise, Magneto!? Imprisoning your own people!?
:'''Magneto:''' &quot;Imprisoned&quot; is such a harsh word.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Wanda:''' Please, Kurt. Try to understand. My father is doing this for the good of mutant-kind.
:'''Nightcrawler:''' Tell that the ones he's holding prisoner.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Magneto:''' Don't be foolish, Nightcrawler. You're tired, wounded. It'd be foolish to try.
:'''Nightcrawler:''' I'm no fool.
:(''attempts teleport all the way to the institute'')
:'''Wanda:''' Is he...? If he reaches the X-Men...
:'''Magneto:''' He won't.

===Past Discretions===
:''[Kristie finds Logan outside her house.]''
:'''Kristie:''' ''[Angrily]'' You!
:''[Logan retracts his claws. Kristie uses her powers to throw a boulder at Logan. He pushes off the boulder. Kristie dismounts her horse and uses her powers to envelope Logan in stone.]''
:'''Kristie''': I waited a long time for this.
:''[Logan looks at Kristie before she finishes enveloping him in stone.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Logan, enveloped in stone, awakes to find himself inside the house and Kristie standing before him.]''
:'''Kristie:''' Why?
:'''Wolverine:''' I don't know.
:'''Kristie:''' You don't know?!
:''[Kristie uses her powers to envelope Logan's mouth in stone, suffocating him. She lets go and the stone stops enveloping his mouth.]''
:'''Kristie:''' I was six years old when you took my father. I need to know why!
:'''Wolverine:''' I did come after your father, but that's all I remember. They wiped my memory. I'm here to find answers too.
:''[Kristie looks surprised. A tranquilizer dart flies through the broken window and strikes Kristie in the left side of her neck. She falls to the floor unconscious.]''
:'''Sabretooth''': ''[Breaks through the door and advances on Logan]'' Way to go, runt. Just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?
:''[Logan glares at Sabretooth.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sabertooth:''' Hey, Maverick. Quite a daughter you got there. She's definitely someone we'll wanna look at.
:'''Nord:''' ''[Surprised]'' Daughter?

===Battle Lines===
:'''Wolverine:''' It's just a kid.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' I've broken through the static. The girl's name is Tildie. Juggernaut's placed a device on her. Something that's causing her to lash out. She can't stop. You have to remove the device.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tilde:''' Who are you?
:'''Rogue:''' We're the X-Men.

===Excessive Force===
:'''Emma:''' Who exactly is Sinister?
:'''Beast:''' He's a mutant scientist who collects genetic samples of other mutants. Usually by force.
:'''Emma:''' How charming. And why did your Mr. Sinister want to do this?
:'''Beast:''' Supposedly to create the ultimate mutant.
:'''Storm:''' And years ago he was intent in using Jean Grey in his experiments but we stopped him.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Scott:''' What have you done with Jean!? Tell me!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Scott:''' Just- just give me Jean. That's all I want.
:'''Sinister:''' I don't heave Jean Grey.
:'''Scott:''' But Arclyte...
:'''Sinister:''' That confession was to lure you here.
:'''Scott:''' No!!
:'''Sinister:''' Restrain him.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After the rest of the X-Men leave, Logan comes into Scott's room.]''
:'''Logan''': That just warms the heart, don't it? Sure, I'm glad you're alive and all. But you and me? We got a problem. You've got a choice to make, Summers: Be an X-Man or don't. 'Cause this garbage ain't gonna fly with me. You wanna go chase ghosts? Fine. But if you're gonna be here, ''be here.'' Xavier wouldn't kick you out, but don't think for a second I won't.
:'''Scott''': She's out there, I know it.
:'''Logan''': Then go look for her, on your own. Because you're either one of the team, or you're gone. Now which is it?
:'''Scott''': I'll stay.
:'''Logan''': What's that?
:'''Scott''': It's over. I'm staying here.
:'''Logan''': Good.
:''[Logan leaves Scott's room. Scott starts thinking about Jean.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' Can you tell us your name?
:'''Jean:''' I...don't know. I can't remember.

===Hunting Grounds===

===Stolen Lives===
:'''Emma:''' I'm afraid his memory is much like yours, Logan.
:'''Kristy:''' ''[Heartbroken]'' No.
:'''Wolverine:''' It's gonna be OK, kid.
:'''Emma:''' Fortunately, it's not all dreadful news. I was successful in recovering some faint memories of you, Kristie. 
:'''Nord:''' Kristie.
:'''Kristie:''' Daddy?

===Badlands===
===Code of Conduct===
:''[Wolverine and Rogue exit the mansion.]''
:'''Rogue:''' What is going on, Logan? Who are these people? What do they want from you!? ''[Wolverine goes over to his motorcycle]'' Logan!
:'''Wolverine:''' ''[Gets on his motorcycle]'' Get on. We have to go. ''[Turns on his motorcycle and revs the engine]''
:'''Rogue:''' Go where? ''[Turns off the motorcycle]'' Tell me what this is all about!?
:'''Wolverine:''' A woman.
:'''Rogue:''' Are you serious?
:'''Wolverine:''' It was a few years ago. Might as well have been another lifetime. Her name was Mariko. She meant a lot to me, but her father wanted her to marry a guy named Harada. He was Japanese nobility, and a member of the criminal Yakuza. I was ''gaijin'', an outsider. He wanted to fight me for Mariko. And I accepted. Harada was a mutant; he could supercharge his sword to cut through anything. Me? I didn't even need a sword.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Logan and Rogue arrive outside the Japanese Embassy.]''
:'''Rogue:''' But you won. Why would she&amp;ndash;?
:'''Wolverine:''' Didn't matter. Minds were already made up.
:''[Wolverine and Rogue make their way towards a fence.]''
:'''Rogue:''' You're seriously just going to sneak into the Japanese Embassy?
:'''Wolverine:''' Yeah.
:'''Rogue:''' What makes you so sure he's even&amp;ndash;?
:'''Wolverine:''' ''[Interrupts Rogue]'' Because he's a coward. And this is where he'd hide. ''[Starts feeling the fence]'' He thinks he's safe here. ''[Takes a few steps back]'' He's wrong.
:'''Rogue:''' I don't get it. He goes to all this trouble, he gets the girl. What else does he want?
:'''Wolverine:''' What he's always wanted: A fight to the death.
:''[Rogue is shocked. Wolverine starts to make his way into the embassy.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Wolverine:''' Mariko, it's OK. It's me.
:'''Mariko:''' Logan-san. You should not be here.
:'''Wolverine:''' I had no choice.
:'''Mariko:''' You promised you would not see me.
:'''Wolverine:''' That was before your husband kidnapped my friends. Mariko, talk to me. Why is he doing this?
:'''Mariko:''' My husband has strong hold over the Yakuza clan. He must cleanse his past of all failure. He has never been beaten.
:'''Wolverine:''' Except by me.
:'''Mariko:''' So he is forcing your hand.
:'''Wolverine:''' Mariko, please. Tell me where they are.
:'''Mariko:''' There is a warehouse near the docks. The ''sakura'' marks the front. Do you know it?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rogue:''' So that was her, huh?
:'''Wolverine:''' What, you listening in?
:'''Rogue:''' Yeah. Who wouldn't?

===Backlash===
:''[Logan, having finished his talk with Charles, makes his way outside.]''
:'''Hank:''' ''[Approaches Logan along with Warren]'' Were you able to communicate with the professor?
:'''Logan:''' ''[To Hank]'' No. We're on our own. ''[To Warren]'' What'd you find out, Warren?
:'''Warren:''' Forge was right. Something big is happening in the morning. It has to do with &quot;Project: Wide Awake&quot;.
:'''Logan:''' ''[To Hank]'' Hank, better assemble the team. ''[Heads off]''
:'''Warren:''' ''[To Hank]'' Say, uh, this is pretty much it, isn't it? If those Sentinels are activated, that's the beginning of the end.
:'''Hank:''' That looks to be the case.
:'''Warren:''' Then&amp;ndash; better count me in.
:'''Hank:''' ''[Concerned]'' Warren, it's your father's facility. He'll see you.
:'''Warren:''' Times are changing. I can't let him control who I am. Not anymore. ''[Smiles]'' Besides, it'll finally give us something to talk about.
:'''Hank:''' ''[Puts his arm around Warren]'' You're assuming we're going to survive?
:'''Warren:''' I'm an optimist.
:''[Hank and Warren head off.]''

----
:''[Wolverine and Shadowcat are arguing as the rest of the X-Men look on.]''
:'''Nightcrawler:''' He wanted me to tell her. I said I'd rather face 100 of these Sentinels.
:'''Beast:''' Good move.
:'''Shadowcat:''' ''[Angrily]'' What do you mean, I'm not going?!
:'''Wolverine:''' Pryde, will you calm down? Someone has to stay here with the kid.
:''[Shadowcat turns to look at Tilde, who is observing her and Wolverine from above.]''
:'''Shadowcat:''' But why me? I'm an X-Man, not a babysitter!
:'''Wolverine:''' One, you can defend her, and two, if things go bad, you can get her outta here. ''[Puts his hand on Shadowcat's shoulder]'' The last thing we need is Tilde getting upset, if you know what I mean. ''[Takes his hand off Shadowcat's shoulder]''
:'''Shadowcat:''' ''[Sighs]'' You should've trashed that place when you had the chance.

----
:''[Quicksilver defeats the MRD soldiers.]''
:'''Blob:''' How could the MRD even find us? Nobody knows we're here.
:'''Quicksilver:''' Magneto does. He cut us loose. And nothing would make him happier than seeing us rot in an MRD prison.
:'''Domino:''' ''[Shocked]'' Magneto turned on us? Why would he do that? We risked our lives for him.
:''[Quicksilver makes his way to Toad, who is trying to free himself from the net, with Blob and Domino following behind.]''
:'''Quicksilver:''' Don't even try to understand that guy. I've spent my whole life doing it.
:'''Avalanche:''' ''[Holding a helmet to his ear]'' Hey, MRD backup is close. ''[Hears static inside the helmet]'' Something else too. ''[To the rest of the Brotherhood]'' The Sentinels are active and taking down the X-Men right now.
:'''Blob:''' ''[Smiles evilly]'' Good. I hate those guys.
:'''Quicksilver:''' Well, then. ''[Crosses his arms and smiles evilly]'' Here's our next move: We're gonna save the X-Men.
:'''Toad:''' ''[Confused]'' Uh, come again?

===Guardian Angel===

===Breakdown===
:'''Scott:''' Look, I want to move on with my life! I want to be an X-Men! But I can't! Jean is all I think about! And now my friends are getting hurt because of me!
:'''Emma:''' Let me help you.
:'''Scott:''' Forget it.
:'''Emma:''' What if I told you I could erase Jean from your memories?
:'''Scott:''' Completely?
:'''Emma:''' If that's what you want.
:'''Scott:''' Then what? I end up like Logan? Haunted by the things I can't remember?
:'''Emma:''' No. I wouldn't do that you. Scott if the choice is leaving us or letting go of Jean, then let me try.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Scott:''' No. It can't be.
:'''Emma:''' I'm afraid it is, Scott. No one attacked the X-Men. It was Jean. She caused the explosion.
===Rover===
:'''Prof. X:''' Jean was the casue!
:'''Scott:''' No! You can't blame her! We don't know what happened!
:'''Prof. X:''' No we don't. But I have seen that psychic fire before.
:'''Wolverine:''' You saw it before? Where?
:'''Prof. X:''' In the memories of Magneto's daughter Lorna, one of the few survivors.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Prof X:''' Listen well. I've only begun to understand the true depth of Jean's power.

===Aces and Eights===

===Shades of Grey===
:'''Archlude:''' The disturbance was telepathic in nature.
:'''Sinister:''' Originating from where?
:'''Arclite:''' Upsite, where the M.R.D. were sent to apprehend a telekinetic.
:'''Sinister:''' Perhaps their target had both telepathy and telekinesis.
:'''Arclite:''' That is incredibly rare.
:'''Sinister:''' Yes. Yet it does bring one name to mind.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jean:''' You know who I am?
:'''Scott:''' What?
:'''Emma:''' It would seem the puzzle is solved. She never contacted you because she doesn't remember you.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sinister:''' I have to admit, like everyone else, I did believe Jean had perished. And then you came to be, so convinced she was alive, that I just had resume my search. 
:'''Scott:''' Sinister, let us go! Now!! ''Don't touch her!''
:'''Sinister:''' Not to worry. Acquiring genetic material is usually painless.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
(''Jean unleashes her strong telekinetic abilities, being taken over by the Phoenix Force'')
:'''Scott:''' Jean! ''Jean!!'' It's okay, Jean. It's over.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' We've waited a long time for this, Jean.
:'''Sebastian:''' Well done, Emma. The Phoenix finally belongs to the Inner Circle.

===Foresight, Part 1===
:''[Wolverine angrily throws Scott against the wall.]''
:'''Wolverine:''' ''[Angrily]'' You got any idea what you've done!? She was our only link to finding Jean!!
:'''Scott:''' ''[Angrily]'' Which she couldn't do sitting in a cell!
:''[Wolverine angrily throws Scott down to the floor.]''
:'''Wolverine:''' You got stars in your eyes, Summers! Or you'd see it too! She's involved!
:'''Scott:''' I believe in her, Logan.
:'''Wolverine:''' Yeah? Then where is she now?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Jean. Jean. It's time for you to remember who you are. Lets wake up now, shall we?
:'''Jean:''' Scott? Scott?
:'''Emma:''' That's it. Let it all come back to you.
:'''Jean:''' ''Scott!!''
:'''Emma:''' It's all right, Jean. Scott isn't here but he's fine. Everyone is fine.
:'''Jean:''' Where am I?
:'''Emma:''' You're safe. Just breathe slowly and relax. Now, do you remember who I am?
:'''Jean:''' Yes. Yes. You're the one who helped me. You rescued me from...from Angel.
:'''Emma:''' That's right. And now I want to help you again.
:'''Jean:''' Why? What's happening?
:'''Emma:''' Jean, you're in danger. And its not only your life that's threatened but the lives of everyone you love, including Scott's. Come with me and I'll explain.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Since the day you were born, there's been a power growing within you. That power so wisely pushes against the barriers Charles Xavier placed when you were a child.
:'''Jean:''' How do you know about that?
:'''Emma:''' I know everything about it, Jean. It's called the Phoenix Force. And it's been afflicting telepaths since mutants first emerged. This Egyptian tablet is over two thousand years old, yet it could be telling your story. as you can see, the Phoenix was present even at this baby's birth. As she grew, it grew until finally it reached maturity and took her over. Fires, floods, even sifts in climate. Throughout history, these events seem to coincide with the emergence of the Phoenix.
:'''Jean:''' And...people die?
:'''Emma:''' Yes. Many.
:(''Jean is horrified'')
:'''Jean:''' This will happen again. With me, won't it?
:'''Emma:''' Unless I can stop it.
:'''Jean:''' Is that possible?
:'''Emma:''' If we can prevent the Force from igniting yes. And because psychic beings such as this need a host to survive, we believe it will perish without one.

===Foresight, Part 2===
:'''Emma:''' We were interrupted.
:'''Sebastian:''' By what?
:'''Emma:''' The psychic connection she shares with Scott Summers. She senses he's in trouble.
:'''Sebastian:''' Then have the girls' block it out so you can proceed.
:'''Emma:''' It's too strong. If he is in trouble I need to alleviate the problem.
:'''Selene:''' Or maybe you're as worried about Scott Summers as she is.
:'''Emma:''' Are questioning my loyalty, Selene?
:'''Selene:''' Yes, I am. The X-Men are of no further use. They should have been taken out as soon as cerebro was rebuilt.
:'''Emma:''' So now we're assassins? We're trying to save lives, not take them.
:'''Sebastian:''' Go if you must, Emma. The cuckoos are fully capable of getting Miss Grey to open the remaining doors.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, and what about the little firestorm waiting on the other side?
:'''Sebastian:''' I have faith they can contain it.
:'''Emma:''' Contain it? What are you talking about!? We're destroying it.
:'''Sebastian:''' Those plans have evolved.
:'''Emma:''' Sebastian, you can't ''control'' the Phoenix! No one can!
:'''Sebastian:''' Ah, but I believe it wants to be controlled, Emma. And through the centuries, it has been searching for a telepath capable of handing its immense power.
:'''Emma:''' You...you can't all agree with his. Lenient. Pierce? 
:'''Selene:''' We do. And before you fell in love with the X-Men, you would have as well.
:'''Sebastian:''' We're confident fire telepaths can succeed where one would fail. 
:'''Emma:''' You are all fools! If I'm not here to lead this, the Phoenix will consume those girls, just as it would've Jean! I implore, you don't do anything until I return!
:'''Sebastian:''' You have one hour.

===Foresight, Part 3===
:'''Selene:''' Pathetic. Your affection for this X-Men has ruined you, Emma.
:'''Emma:''' This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the mistake you're about the make! The power you're about to unleash!
:'''Scott:''' You have to listen to her. We've seen the future.
:'''Selene:''' Listen to her? You have no idea who she is, do you?
:'''Emma:''' Selene, don't.
:'''Selene:''' The explosion that destroyed your mansion, that put your mentor in a coma, that took your precious Jean from you. It was all compliments of Emma Frost and her couscous. Emma assured us she could extract Jean after eliminating the treat of Xavier and his X-Men. She was wrong. Your girlfriend sensed the psychic attack and tried to save you all. Emma's miscalculation cost us the Phoenix. So she had to use the X-Men to find her again. ''That's'' why she took Xavier's body from the mansion and placed him on the shores of Genosha, to earn a place on your team by discovering him for you.
:'''Scott:''' Emma?
:'''Emma:''' Scott, I had no choice. The Phoenix Force must be stopped.
:'''Scott:''' You lied to me.
:'''Emma:''' No. Not everything was a lie.
:'''Selene:''' So you see, Emma can't be trusted. And if it were up to me...
:'''Sebastian:''' Emma's impetuous actions aside. She will seek our foreignness once she realizes the truth. The Phoenix needs us as much as we need it. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Sebastian, the Phoenix is trying to return to Jean! They can't control it!
:'''Sebastian:''' You're wrong. It's time to end this war. Girls, wipe out the Sentinels, destroy the X-Men, and burn Genosha to ground.
:'''Emma:''' You've doomed us!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Scott! Scott, wake up. Please, Scott. Don't leave me.
:''[Emma kisses Scott on the lips, but is thrown backwards and held by metal wires by Jean's telekinesis.]''
:'''Jean:''' You'll pay for what you've done!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Scott:''' Jean, wait. We'll deal with her later. Right now, we have to stop the Phoenix.
:'''Emma:''' If she goes out there, nothing will keep it from returning to her.
:'''Jean:''' And if it does, will that stop it?
:'''Emma:''' Yes. For now.
:'''Scott:''' No! That's not an option!
:'''Jean:''' Scott, it chose me for a reason. I have to try.
:'''Emma:''' Jean can't do this alone. She'll need my help.
:'''Scott:''' You're not going anywhere near her.
:''[Scott and Jean leave, leaving Emma heartbroken.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Emma tries to free herself from the metal wires, but is unsuccessful, even after transforming into her diamond form.]''
:'''Emma:''' ''[Spots Wolverine]'' Logan!
:''[Wolverine spots Emma.]''
:'''Emma:''' Logan, you have to cut me loose!
:''[Wolverine hops down and advances on Emma.]''
:'''Wolverine:''' ''[Unsheathes two of his claws on either side of Emma's neck]'' You betrayed us.
:'''Emma:''' But now, I'm trying to help you.
:'''Wolverine:''' ''[Unsheathes a third claw underneath Emma's neck]'' No. You've done enough. ''[Retracts his claws and starts to walk away]''
:'''Emma:''' Logan, please. Too much is at stake.
:''[Wolverine stops walking.]''
:'''Emma:''' You have to trust me.
:''[Wolverine turns to Emma, realizing that she needs him to cut her loose so that she can stop the Phoenix.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jean:''' You want me back!!? Well, here I am!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jean:''' Scott, what are you doing!!? It'll kill you!
:'''Scott:''' I'm not losing you again!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Get Jean out of here, Scott. I'm not sure how long I can contain it.
:'''Scott:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Emma:''' Try... to release it.
:'''Wolverine:''' Summers, she knows what she's doing! Now let's go!
:'''Scott:''' Emma!!
:'''Emma:''' Scott, forgive me.

== See also ==

* [[X-Men]]
* [[X-Men: Evolution]]
* [[Astonishing X-Men]]
* [[Ultimate X-Men]]
* [[Uncanny X-Men]]
* [[Misc X-titles and Limited Series]]
* [[Marvel Comics]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons (TV channel) shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="29280" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|You're brilliant. You're both brilliant. I never realized how beautiful this place was.]]
'''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009 film]] in which Harry Potter begins his sixth year at Hogwarts, where he discovers an old book marked as &quot;the property of the Half-Blood Prince&quot; and begins to learn more about Lord Voldemort's dark past.
:''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on the [[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince|book of the same title]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].''
&lt;center&gt;''' Dark secrets revealed.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|I... of course, it's only natural you should want to know more. But I'm afraid I must disappoint you, Harry. When I first met young Mr. Riddle, he was a quiet, albeit brilliant boy committed to becoming a first-rate wizard. Not unlike others I've known. Not unlike yourself, in fact. If the monster existed, it was buried deep within.]]
[[File:HIMG 2520 (8066398657).jpg|thumb|&quot;Sorry I made you miss the carriages by the way, Luna.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;That's alright. It's like being with a friend.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Oh, I am your friend, Luna.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;That's nice.&quot;]]

== Harry Potter ==
* ''[after Dumbledore asks him if he has feelings for Hermione]'' Oh no, no, no, I mean she's brilliant, but we're friends.

* I've got a really good feeling about Hagrid's. I feel it's... it's the place to be tonight!

* ''[After witnessing Dumbledore's murder]'' Snape! He trusted you!

== Albus Dumbledore ==
* Years ago, I knew a boy who made all the wrong choices. Please let me help you.

* Being me has its privileges.

* Now as you know, each and every one of you was searched upon your arrival here tonight and you have the right to know why. Once there was a young man, who like you, sat in this very hall, walked this castle's corridors, slept under its roofs. He seemed to all the world a student like any other. His name: ''Tom Riddle''. ''[Murmuring erupts among the students]'' Today, of course, he's known all over the world by another name, which is why, as I stand looking out upon you all tonight, I'm reminded of a sobering fact: Every day, every hour, this very minute, perhaps, dark forces attempt to penetrate this castle's walls. ''[pause]'' But in the end, their greatest weapon... is you. There's something to think about. Now off to bed, pip pip.

== Draco Malfoy ==
* ''[Alone in his compartment on the train with Harry hiding under the Cloak; quietly]'' Didn't Mummy ever tell you it was rude to eavesdrop, Potter? Petrificus Totalus! ''[Harry falls, still hidden]'' Oh, right. She was dead before you could wipe the drool off your chin. ''[Kicks Harry in the face, breaking his nose]'' That's for my father. Enjoy your ride back to London. ''[Covers Harry with the cloak]''

== Horace Slughorn ==
* ''[in regard to returning to Hogwarts]'' All right, I'll do it! But I want Professor Merrythought's old office, not the water closet I had before. And I expect a raise, these are mad times we live in. MAD!

* ''[Telling Harry the story of his deceased fish]'' It was a student who gave me Francis. One spring afternoon I discovered a bowl on my desk with just a few inches of clear water in it. And floating on the surface was a flower petal. As I watched, it sank. Just before it reached the bottom, it was transformed into a wee fish. It was beautiful magic, wondrous to behold. The flower petal had come from a lily. Your mother. The day I came downstairs, the day the bowl was empty, was the day your mother... I know why you're here, but I can't help you. It would ruin me.

== Others ==
* '''Professor McGonagall''': Potter, take Weasley with you. He looks far too happy over there.

* '''Arthur Weasley''': Times like these, dark times, they do funny things to people. They can tear them apart.

* '''Luna Lovegood''': I've never been to this part of the castle. Well, not when I'm awake. I sleep-walk, you see. That's why I wear shoes to bed.

* '''Katie Bell''': I know you're going to ask Harry, but I don't know who cursed me. I’ve been trying to remember, honestly. But I just can’t.

* '''Severus Snape''': You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? Yes. ''I'M'' the Half-Blood Prince.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Muggle Waitress''': Harry Potter. Who's Harry Potter?
:'''Harry''': No one, bit of a tosser really.
:'''Muggle Waitress''': Funny that paper of yours, a couple minutes ago I could have sworn I saw a picture move. Thought I was going 'round a twist.
:'''Harry''': Hey, I was wondering--
:'''Muggle Waitress''': 11. That's when I get off. You can tell me all about that tosser Harry Potter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Harry and Dumbledore have just Apparated to Budleigh Babberton to meet Slughorn]''
:'''Harry''': I just Apparated, didn't I?
:'''Dumbledore''': Indeed. Quite successfully, too, I might add. Most people vomit the first time.
:'''Harry''': Can't imagine why...
:'''Dumbledore''': You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.
:'''Harry''': Actually, sir, after all these years, I just sorta go with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dumbledore has just exposed Slughorn, disguised as an armchair]''
:'''Slughorn''': Merlin's Beard! No need to disfigure me, Albus.
:'''Dumbledore''': I must say, you make a very convincing armchair, Horace.
:'''Slughorn''': It's all in the upholstery. ''[pats his stomach]'' I come by the stuffing naturally. What gave me away?
:'''Dumbledore''': ''[points to stains in room]'' Dragon's blood.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dumbledore''': So what's with all the theatrics, Horace? You weren't by any chance waiting for someone else, were you?
:'''Slughorn''': Someone else? I'm sure I don't know what you mean... Oh alright. The Death Eaters have been trying to recruit me for over a year, you know what that's like? You can only say no to these people so many times, so I never stay anywhere more than a week. The Muggles who own this place are in the Canary Islands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ron holds up a small box at Fred and George's shop]''
:'''Ron''': How much for this?
:'''Fred and George''': '''''Five Galleons'''''.
:'''Ron''': How much for me?
:'''Fred and George''': '''''Five''''' Galleons.
:'''Ron''': I'm your brother!
:'''Fred and George''': '''''Ten''''' Galleons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[walking to the castle]''
:'''Harry''': Sorry I made you miss the carriages by the way, Luna.
:'''Luna''': That's alright. It's like being with a friend.
:'''Harry''': Oh, I am your friend, Luna.
:'''Luna''': That's nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luna''': ''[regarding Harry's broken nose]'' Would you like me to fix that for you? I think you look a little devil-may-care this way, but it's up to you...
:'''Harry''': Um... have you fixed a nose before?
:'''Luna''': No, but I've done several toes. How different are they, really?
:'''Harry''': ...Okay, yeah, sure, give it a go.
:'''Luna''': Episkey!
:''[a loud crack is heard]''
:'''Harry''': Augh...!
:''[rubs his nose gingerly; looks at Luna]''
:'''Harry''': Well? How do I look?
:'''Luna''': Exceptionally ordinary.
:'''Harry''': ...Brilliant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': ''[to Hermione and Ginny]'' Don't worry. He'll be here in a minute. ''[starts eating]''
:'''Hermione''': ''[smacks him on the arm with a book]'' Will you stop eating? Your best friend is missing!
:'''Ron''': Oi. Turn around, you lunatic!
:''[Hermione and Ginny looks towards the Great Hall door and see Harry covered in blood.]''
:'''Ginny''': He's covered in blood again. Why is it he's always covered in blood?
:'''Ron''': Looks like it's his own this time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dumbledore''': I'm like you, Tom. I'm different.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 11''': Prove it.
:''[Dumbledore continues to look at Tom, then the wardrobe behind them bursts into flame.]''
:'''Dumbledore''': I think there's something in your wardrobe trying to get out, Tom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry and Dumbledore have just seen Dumbledore's memory of his first meeting with Tom Riddle.]''
:'''Harry''': Did you know, sir? Then?
:'''Dumbledore''': Did I know that I just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slughorn''': What about you, Miss Granger? What do your parents do in the Muggle world?
:'''Hermione''': My parents are dentists. ''[Everyone except Harry looks at her in confusion]'' They tend to people's teeth.
:'''Slughorn''': Fascinating. And is that considered a dangerous profession?
:'''Hermione''': No... Although, one boy, Robbie Fenwick did ''bite'' my father once. He needed ten stitches.
:''[Once again, everyone except Harry looks at her in confusion]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': What brings you here, sir?
:'''Slughorn''': ''[good-naturedly/drunkenly]'' Oh, the Three Broomsticks and I go way back! Farther back than I care to admit! Ho ho ho... Why I can remember when it was just ONE Broomstick! ''[Slughorn chuckles and spills his drink all over the table, splashing Hermione; she jumps away]'' Whoops! All hands on deck, there, Granger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McGonagall''': ''[to Harry, Ron, and Hermione]'' Why is it, whenever something happens, it is always you three?
:'''Ron''': Believe me, Professor, I’ve been asking myself the same question for six years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About the cursed necklace]''
:'''Harry''': It was Malfoy.
:'''McGonagall''': That is a very serious accusation, Potter!
:'''Snape''': Indeed. Your evidence?
:'''Harry''': I just know.
:'''Snape''': You '''''just''''' know? ''[pause]'' Once again you astonish with your gifts Potter, gifts mere mortals can only dream of possessing. How grand it must be... to be the Chosen One.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Harry and Ron are laying in bed]''

:'''Ron''': ''[about Ginny and Dean]'' What is it he sees in her?
:'''Harry''': She's smart... funny... attractive...
:'''Ron''': Attractive?
:'''Harry''': Well you know... she has nice... skin.
:'''Ron''': Skin. So you think Dean's dating my sister because of her skin?
:'''Harry''': Well, no, I'm just saying it could be a contributing factor.
:'''Ron''': Hermione's got nice skin. You know, as skin goes, I mean.
:'''Harry''': I-I've never really thought about it. But I suppose, yeah. Very nice. ''[long pause]'' ...I think I'll be going to sleep now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slughorn:''' Some of your classmates... well, let's just say they're unlikely to make the shelf.
:'''Harry''': Shelf, sir?
:''[Slughorn points to a wall of portraits of his favorite students.]''
:'''Slughorn:''' Anyone who aspires to be anyone ends up here. But then again, you already are someone, aren't you, Harry?
:'''Harry''': Did Voldemort ever make the shelf, sir? ''[Slughorn freezes]'' You knew him, didn't you, sir? Tom Riddle? You were his teacher.
:'''Slughorn:''' Mr. Riddle had a number of teachers whilst he was here at Hogwarts.
:'''Harry''': What was he like? ''[no response]'' I'm sorry, sir. Forgive me. He killed my parents.
:'''Slughorn:''' I... of course, it's only natural you should want to know more. But I'm afraid I must disappoint you, Harry. When I first met young Mr. Riddle, he was a quiet, albeit brilliant boy committed to becoming a first-rate wizard. Not unlike others I've known. Not unlike yourself, in fact. If the monster existed, it was buried deep within.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Quidditch match, before which Harry pretended to put Felix Felicis in Ron's drink]''
:'''Hermione''': ''[To Harry]'' You really shouldn't have done it.
:'''Harry''': I know. I suppose I could've just used a Confundus Charm.
:'''Hermione''': That was different. That was tryouts. This was an actual game. ''[Harry takes the vial of Felix Felicis out of his shirt pocket and shows it to Hermione, who looks at it in confusion]'' You didn't put it in. Ron only thought you did.
:''[Harry nods]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hermione has run off from a Quidditch celebration party after seeing Ron kiss Lavender Brown. Harry finds her in a classroom with some birds flying around her.]''
:'''Hermione''': ''[Tearfully]'' Charms spell. I'm just practicing.
:'''Harry''': Well, they're really good. ''[sits down]''
:'''Hermione''': How does it feel, Harry? When you see Dean with Ginny? I know. I see the way you look at her. You're my best friend.
:''[Ron and Lavender come running in, laughing. Harry gives them a dirty look.]''
:'''Lavender''': Oops! I think this room's taken! ''[runs off]''
:'''Ron''': What's with the birds?
:''[Hermione stands up angrily.]''
:'''Hermione''': ''Oppugno''.
:''[Ron runs off and the birds chase him, crashing into the door. Ron leaves. Hermione sits down and starts to cry into Harry's shoulder.]''
:'''Harry''': It feels like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hermione''': ''[about Romilda Vane]'' She's only interested in you because she thinks you're the Chosen One.
:'''Harry''': But I '''''am''''' the Chosen One. ''[Hermione hits on the head with a rolled up newspaper.]'' Sorry, um, kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hermione is being offered an hors d’oeuvre at Slughorn's Christmas party after evading McLaggen]''
:'''Waiter''': Dragon Tartare?
:'''Hermione''': No, I’m fine, thank you.
:'''Waiter''': Probably just as well, they give one horrible breath.
:'''Hermione''': On second thoughts... ''[Grabs tray and gobbles one]'' Maybe it'll keep Cormac at bay... oh God, here he comes!
:''[Hermione slips out before she is seen by McLaggen]''
:'''Harry''': I think she '''''just''''' went to powder her nose.
:'''McLaggen''': Slippery little minx your friend is. Likes to work her mouth, too, doesn’t she?
:''[McLaggen eats one of the hors d’oeuvres off of a tray Harry is holding while talking to him.]''
:'''McLaggen''': What is this I'm eating, by the way?
:'''Harry''': ''[tentative]'' Dragon Balls.
:''[Snape joins them behind the curtain. McLaggen throws up on Snape's shoes.]''
:'''Snape''': ''[pause]'' You've just bought yourself a month's detention, McLaggen - ''[Harry tries to leave]'' not... so quick, Potter!
:'''Harry''': Sir, I really think I should rejoin the party. My date... 
:'''Snape''': Can surely survive another minute or two. Besides, I only wish to convey a message.
:'''Harry''': Message?
:'''Snape''': From Professor Dumbledore. He asked me to give you his best and he hopes you enjoy your holiday. You see, he’s traveling, and he won’t return until term resumes.
:'''Harry''': Traveling where?
:''[Snape is silent and then walks off.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ginny has stolen a place beside Harry on the couch in a secluded corner of the house on Christmas Eve. She has an eager expression. Mr. Weasley gets up and walks off]''
:'''Ginny''': ''[taking a mince pie from the plate on her lap]'' Open up, you. ''[Smiling broadly as he looks surprised]'' Don't you trust me? ''[she feeds him the mince pie]''
:'''Harry''': It's good...
:''[Ron approaches and sits down between them with a platter of even larger mince pies. Ginny looks somewhat crestfallen, as does Harry.]''
:'''Ron''': ''[as he is sitting down]'' Yeah, I'll just... Get... Yeah. ''[Offering the platter]'' Pie?
:'''Harry''': ''[curtly]'' Not for me, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry, still fully dressed, is sitting on the steps looking uneasily out of the window. Ginny, who has evidently just washed, runs into him on her way up to bed.]''
:'''Ginny''': Has Ron gone to bed?
:'''Harry''': Um... ''[looks upstairs]'' not yet, no.
:'''Ginny''': ''[indicating his feet]'' Shoelace. ''[Harry bends down to re-tie his shoelaces, but Ginny gets there first. When she has finished, she straightens up and moves closer to him.]'' Merry Christmas, Harry.
:'''Harry''': Merry Christmas.
:''[They lean in to kiss, but Bellatrix's fireball interrupts them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry watches a faked memory of Tom Riddle at a Slug Club dinner party.]''
:'''Slughorn:''' ''[To Tom]'' I'd like to know where you get your information. More knowledgeable than half the staff, you are. ''[Someone in Tom's gang laughs]''
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Sir, is it true that Professor Merrythought is retiring?
:'''Slughorn''': Now, Tom, I couldn't tell you if I knew, could I? By the way, thank you for the pineapple. You're quite right, it is my favorite. But how did you know?
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Intuition.
:'''Slughorn''':  Good gracious, is it that time, already? Off you go, boys, or Professor Dippet will have us '''''all''''' in detention. ''[Everyone but Tom leaves. Tom taps the hourglass, and Slughorn notices Tom is still there]'' Look sharp, Tom. Don't want to be caught out of bed after hours. Is something on your mind, Tom?
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Yes, sir. You see, I couldn't think of anyone else to go to. The other professors, well, they're not like you. They might misunderstand.
:'''Slughorn''': Go on.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': I was in the library the other night, in the Restricted Section, and I read something rather odd about a bit of rare magic, and I thought, perhaps, you could illuminate me. It's called, as I understand it... ''[He makes an unintelligible sound and Slughorn stares in bewilderment.]''
:'''Slughorn''': I beg your pardon? I don't know anything about such things and if I did, I wouldn't tell you! Now get out of here at once ''AND DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU MENTIONING IT AGAIN!'' ''[The memory becomes cloudy and ends]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ginny''': Close your eyes. That way you can’t be tempted. ''[she hides the Half-Blood Prince's book, then kisses Harry]'' That can stay hidden up here too, if you like.
:''[a short time later, Harry is walking down the hallway, in a daze. Ron appears beside him]''
:'''Ron''': So, did you and Ginny do it, then?
:'''Harry''': ''[alarmed]'' What?
:'''Ron''': You know, hide the book?
:'''Harry''': Oh... yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lavender''': ''[noticing Hermione at Ron's side in the Hospital Wing]'' What's she doing here!?
:'''Hermione''': I might ask you the same question!
:'''Lavender''': I happen to be his ''girlfriend!''
:'''Hermione''': I happen to be his... friend.
:'''Lavender''': Don't make me laugh. You haven't spoken in ''weeks!'' I suppose you want to make up now that he's suddenly '''''all''''' interesting!
:'''Hermione''': He's been '''''poisoned''''', you daft dimbo! And for the record, I've always found him interesting.
:''[Ron stirs]''
:'''Lavender''': Ah! See? He senses my presence. ''[leans down]'' Don't worry, Won-Won! I'm here. I'm here.
:'''Ron''': ''[croaks]'' Uh... Hermione... Her... my... nee. Hermione...
:''[Hermione tenderly takes Ron's hand. Lavender runs out in tears. Awkward silence.]''
:'''Dumbledore''': ''[jovially]'' Oh, to be young and to feel love's keen sting. Well, come away everyone... Mr. Weasley is well tended.
:''[They all leave]''
:'''Ginny''': ''[whispering to Harry]'' About time, too. Don't you think?
:'''Harry''': ''[To Madam Pomfrey as she puts something on Ron's bedside table]'' Thank you.
:'''Hermione''': ''[noticing Harry's expression]'' Oh, shut up.
:''[Harry leaves as Hermione continues to clutch Ron's hand and smiles tenderly at him.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slughorn is snipping tentacular leaves through a window in the greenhouse. Harry, who is walking by, notices Slughorn and walks up behind him, startling him.]''
:'''Slughorn''': ''[Gasps in surprise]'' Merlin's beard, Harry!
:'''Harry''': Oh, sorry, sir, I should've announced myself. Cleared my throat. Coughed. You probably feared I was Professor Sprout!
:'''Slughorn''': Yes, I did actually! ...What made you think that?
:'''Harry''': Oh, well, just the general behavior, sir - the sneaking around, jumping when you saw me... Are those tentacular leaves, sir? They're very valuable, aren't they?
:'''Slughorn''': Ten Galleons a leaf to the right buyer! ...Not that I'm familiar with any such back alley transactions, but one does hear rumors. My own interests are purely academic, of course.
:'''Harry''': Personally, these plants always kind of freak me out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slughorn pursues Harry, under the influence of Felix Felicis, across the grounds.]''
:'''Slughorn:''' Harry, I must insist you accompany me back to the castle immediately!
:'''Harry:''' That would be counter-productive, sir!
:'''Slughorn:''' What makes you say that?
:'''Harry:''' No idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Trying to persuade Slughorn, who is drunk, to divulge his true memory]''
:'''Harry''': I'm going to tell you something - something others have only guessed at. It's true. I am the Chosen One, only I can destroy him, but in order to do so, I need to know what Tom Riddle asked you all those years ago in your office, and I need to know what you told him. Be brave, sir. Be brave like my mother. Otherwise you disgrace her. Otherwise she died for nothing. Otherwise the bowl will remain empty, forever.
:'''Slughorn''': Please... don't think badly of me when you see it. You've no idea how he was like, even then. ''[Withdraws memory]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry watches Slughorn's real memory, which starts with Tom tapping the hourglass]''
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': ''[approaching Slughorn]'' I was in the library the other night, in the Restricted Section, and I read something rather odd about a bit of rare magic. It's called, as I understand it...  [[w:Horcrux|a Horcrux]].
:'''Slughorn''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': A Horcrux. I came across the term while reading and I didn't fully understand it.
:'''Slughorn''': I'm not sure what you were reading, Tom, but this is very dark stuff. Very dark indeed.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Which is why I came to you.
:'''Slughorn''': ''[Stares at Tom for a second]'' A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': But I don't understand how that works, sir.
:'''Slughorn''': One splits ones soul and hides part of it in an object. By doing so, you are protected, should you be attacked and your body destroyed. 
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Protected?
:'''Slughorn''': That part of your soul that is hidden lives on. In other words, you cannot die.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': ''[Looks into the fireplace]'' And how does one split his soul, sir?
:'''Slughorn''': I think you already know the answer to that, Tom.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': Murder.
:'''Slughorn''': Yes. Killing rips the soul apart. It's a violation against nature.
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': ''[Adjusting ring on his finger, the same one in present day Dumbledore's office]'' Can you only split the soul once? For instance, isn't seven...
:'''Slughorn''': Seven? Merlin's beard, Tom! Isn't it bad enough to consider killing ''one'' person? To ''rip the soul into seven pieces''... This is all hypothetical, isn't it, Tom? All academic?
:'''Tom Riddle - Age 16''': ''[Smiling]'' Of course, sir. It'll be our little secret.
:''[Memory goes cloudy and ends]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dumbledore''': Good evening, Draco. What brings you here on this fine, spring evening?
:'''Malfoy''': Who else is here? I heard you talking.
:'''Dumbledore''': I often talk aloud to myself. I find it extraordinarily useful. Have you been whispering to you yourself, Draco? Draco, you are no assassin.
:'''Malfoy''': How do you know what I am?! I've done things that would shock you!
:'''Dumbledore''': Like cursing Katie Bell and hoping that, in return, she would bear a cursed necklace to me? Like replacing a bottle of mead with one laced with poison? Forgive me, Draco, but I cannot help feeling these actions are so weak that your heart can't really have been in them.
:'''Malfoy''': He trusts me! I was chosen! ''[reveals the Dark Mark on his left arm]''
:'''Dumbledore''': I shall make it easy for you... ''[raises his wand]''
:'''Malfoy''': ''Expelliarmus!''
:'''Dumbledore''': ''[wand flies out of his hand]'' Very good, very good. ''[door opens in the distance]'' You're not alone? There are others? How?
:'''Malfoy''': The Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement. I've been mending it.
:'''Dumbledore''': Let me guess; It has a sister? A twin?
:'''Malfoy''': At Borgin &amp; Burke's. They form a passage.
:'''Dumbledore''': Ingenius. Draco, years ago, I knew a boy who made all the wrong choices. Please let me help you.
:'''Malfoy''': ''[breaking into tears]'' I don't want your help! Don't you understand? I ''have'' to do this! I have to kill you! Or he's gonna kill me...
:'''Bellatrix''': ''[walking into the astronomy tower followed by Death Eaters]'' Well, look what we have here. Well done, Draco!
:'''Dumbledore''': Good evening, Bellatrix. I think introductions are in order, don't you think?
:'''Bellatrix''': Love to, Albus, but I'm afraid we're on a bit of a tight schedule. ''[to Draco]'' Do it!
:'''Greyback''': He doesn't have the stomach... just like his father. Let me finish him in my own way.
:'''Bellatrix''': No! The Dark Lord was clear; The boy's to do it. This is your moment. Do it! Go on, Draco! NOW!
:''[Malfoy lowers his wand]''
:'''Snape''': No. ''[steps in]''
:'''Dumbledore''': Severus... please.
:''[short pause]''
:'''Snape''': ''Avada Kedavra!''
:''[The spell hits Dumbledore. He is knocked over the rail behind him and falls from the tower, as Harry witnesses everything]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': ''Incarcerous! [Snape blocks the spell]'' '''Fight back! You coward, fight back!'''
:''[Bellatrix knocks Harry backwards with a spell]''
:'''Snape''': No! He belongs to the Dark Lord!
:''[Bellatrix reluctantly walks away. Snape glances at Harry briefly before beginning to leave.]''
:'''Harry''': ''Sectumsempra!''
:''[Snape knocks Harry backwards, then approaches him slowly]''
:'''Snape''': You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? ''[Harry stares in horror]'' Yes. ''I'm'' the Half-Blood Prince. ''[Kicks Harry's wand away and leaves]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry enters the Dumbledore's office alone and watches everything, McGonagall enters to tell Harry]''
:'''McGonagall''': Potter... In light of what has happened. If you should have the need to talk to someone... You should know, Professor Dumbledore... You meant a great deal to him.
:''[Next scene, in the Astronomy Tower with Harry, Ron and Hermione]''
:'''Hermione''': Do you think he would've done it? Draco.
:'''Harry''': No. No, he was lowering his wand. In the end, it was Snape. It was always Snape. I did nothing. ''[Harry gives the locket to Hermione]'' It's fake. Open it.
:'''Hermione''': ''[opens the locket and reads the message]'' &quot;''To the Dark Lord: I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more. R.A.B.''&quot; R.A.B.?
:'''Harry''': Don't know. But whoever they are, they have the real Horcrux. It means it was all a waste. All of it.
:'''Hermione''': Ron's okay with it, you know. You and Ginny. If I were you when he's around, I'd keep snogging to a minimum.
:'''Harry''': I'm not coming back, Hermione. I've got to finish whatever Dumbledore started. And I don't know where that'll lead me, but I'll let you and Ron know where I am... when I can.
:'''Hermione''': I've always admired your courage, Harry. But sometimes, you can be really thick. You don't really think you're going to be able to find all those Horcruxes by yourself, do you? You need us, Harry.
:'''Harry''': Just do me a favor. When I’m around, keep the snogging to a minimum, please. 
:'''Hermione''': ''[chuckles]'' Like that’s going to happen. Besides, he’s barking. 
:'''Harry''': Funny, he says the same thing about you.
:'''Hermione''': Yes, but I’m exceptionally perceptive.
:'''Harry''': ''[chuckles]'' You’re brilliant. You’re both brilliant. I never realized how beautiful this place was.

== Taglines ==
* Dark Secrets Revealed

* Once again I must ask too much of you, Harry.

* To know the future, you must return to the past.

== Cast ==
*[[Daniel Radcliffe]] – [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]]
*[[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] – [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]]
*[[Emma Watson]] – [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]]
*[[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] – [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]]
*[[Michael Gambon]] – [[w:Albus Dumbledore|Albus Dumbledore]]
*[[w:Jim Broadbent|Jim Broadbent]] – [[w:Horace Slughorn|Horace Slughorn]]
*[[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] – [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]]
*[[Bonnie Wright]] – [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginny Weasley]]
*[[Alan Rickman]] – [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]]
*[[Helena Bonham Carter]] – [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]]
*[[Evanna Lynch]] – [[w:Luna Lovegood|Luna Lovegood]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0417741}}
* {{Amg movie|357831}}
* {{mojo title|harrypotter6}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_half_blood_prince}}
* [http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/ Official Warner Brothers Harry Potter web site]
{{Harry Potter}}

[[Category:Films based on novels]] 
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
      <sha1>ngxombimu53kdefam14zgn0oxiaro5c</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Octopussy</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107207</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153310</id>
      <parentid>3020773</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:08:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Updated the quote to make it more dramatic.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5886" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Octopussy|Octopussy]]''''' is a [[w:1983 in film|1983 film]] in which a fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:George MacDonald Fraser|George MacDonald Fraser]], [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]], and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]], based on a short story by [[Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Nobody does it better...thirteen times.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Kamal Khan ==
* Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct.
* Englishman. Likes eggs, preferably Faberge, and dice, preferably loaded.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Bond and Vijay's car is being chased by Gobinda and his henchmen.]
:'''Bond''': Vijay, we've got company!
:'''Vijay''': No problem, this is a company car!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[hands Q his coat]'' Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.
:'''Q''': Oh, and missed you? What a pity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond and Q float in a hot air balloon]''
:'''Bond''': I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
:'''Q''': It goes by hot air.
:'''Bond''': Oh, then you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vijay''': Is he still there?
:'''Q''': You must be joking! Double-0 seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orlov''': ''[enters the trailer, sees Bond in Mischka's clothes from behind]'' Leave that! Let's go.
:'''Bond''': ''[turns around, facing Orlov with pointed gun]'' No, let's stay. You. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move! Now why is that bomb on the train?
:'''Orlov''': Who are you?
:'''Bond''': I'm with British Secret Service.
:''[the scene cuts to two Russian soldiers having finished examining General Orlov's car with the jewel container inside the trunk and leaving to do their duty; the scene cuts again to Bond still holding General Orlov captive inside the trailer]''
:'''Orlov''': You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
:'''Bond''': I am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a United States Air Force base. You surely can't be inviting a full-scale nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
:'''Orlov''': ''[grins]'' Against whom?
:'''Bond''': ''[frowning, realizing Orlov's scheme]'' My God. Of course. Our early-warning system will rule out the possibility of that bomb having come from Russia or anywhere else. Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
:'''Orlov''': That would be the most plausible explanation.
:'''Bond''': Europe will insist on disarmament, leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will. And it doesn't matter a damn to you, I suppose, that thousands of innocent people will die in this little &quot;accident&quot; of yours?
:'''Orlov''': Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks!
:'''Bond''': On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
:'''Orlov''': ''[they hear hoot as the train starts to move off]'' It's too late.
:'''Bond''': You can stop it at the border. ''[the trailer door opens, revealing two Russian soldiers and Bond, having been caught, kills one soldier and escapes to avoid being killed by the other]''
:'''Orlov''': ''[referring to Bond escaping from the Russian soldier, who is chasing him]'' Kill him!! Kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[looking at the tattoo on Magda's back]'' What is that?
:'''Magda''': That's my little octopussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': So does he have a proposition for me or do you?
:'''Magda''': He suggest a trade. The egg... for your life.
:'''Bond''': Well, I heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': ''[preparing to leave the circus, where a bomb is placed]'' General, excuse me. I have some traveling arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
:'''US general''': Thank you.
:'''US aide''': I'm sure the general will get a big blast out of this.
:'''Khan''': I know he won't be disappointed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': You seem to have a nasty habit of surviving.
:'''Bond''': Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Gogol walks to crawling general Orlov, who has just been shot by East German border guards, thinking he wast trying to defect]''
:'''Gogol''': Common thief! You're disgrace to your uniform!
:'''Orlov''': ''[weakly]'' Yes. But tomorrow, I shall be the hero of the Soviet... Union... ''[dies]''

== Taglines ==
* Nobody does it better...thirteen times.
* James Bond's all time action high.
* Nobody does him better.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Octopussy (character)|Octopussy]]
* [[w:Louis Jourdan|Louis Jourdan]] - [[w:Kamal Khan|Kamal Khan]]
* [[w:Kristina Wayborn|Kristina Wayborn]] - [[w:Magda (James Bond)|Magda]]
* [[w:Kabir Bedi|Kabir Bedi]] - Gobinda
* [[w:Steven Berkoff|Steven Berkoff]] - [[w:General Orlov|General Orlov]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Michaela Clavell|Michaela Clavell]] - Penelope Smallbone
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0086034|title=Octopussy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=octopussy|title=Octopussy}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1983 films]]
[[Category:Films based on short fiction]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
      <sha1>kp2a5j3rcwfi5z14y38mmbdiyussw90</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153312</id>
      <parentid>3153310</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:09:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added another word to the quote.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5897" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Octopussy|Octopussy]]''''' is a [[w:1983 in film|1983 film]] in which a fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:George MacDonald Fraser|George MacDonald Fraser]], [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]], and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]], based on a short story by [[Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Nobody does it better...thirteen times.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Kamal Khan ==
* Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct.
* Englishman. Likes eggs, preferably Faberge, and dice, preferably loaded.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Bond and Vijay's car is being chased by Gobinda and his henchmen.]
:'''Bond''': Vijay, we've got company!
:'''Vijay''': No problem, this is a company car!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[hands Q his coat]'' Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.
:'''Q''': Oh, and missed you? What a pity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond and Q float in a hot air balloon]''
:'''Bond''': I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
:'''Q''': It goes by hot air.
:'''Bond''': Oh, then you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vijay''': Is he still there?
:'''Q''': You must be joking! Double-0 seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orlov''': ''[enters the trailer, sees Bond in Mischka's clothes from behind]'' Leave that! Let's go.
:'''Bond''': ''[turns around, facing Orlov with pointed gun]'' No, let's stay. You. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move! Now why is that bomb on the train?
:'''Orlov''': Who are you?
:'''Bond''': I'm with British Secret Service.
:''[the scene cuts to two Russian soldiers having finished examining General Orlov's car with the jewel container inside the trunk and leaving to do their duty; the scene cuts again to Bond still holding General Orlov captive inside the trailer]''
:'''Orlov''': You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
:'''Bond''': I am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a United States Air Force base. You surely can't be inviting a full-scale nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
:'''Orlov''': ''[grins]'' Against whom?
:'''Bond''': ''[frowning, realizing Orlov's scheme]'' My God. Of course. Our early-warning system will rule out the possibility of that bomb having come from Russia or anywhere else. Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
:'''Orlov''': That would be the most plausible explanation.
:'''Bond''': Europe will insist on unilateral disarmament, leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will. And it doesn't matter a damn to you, I suppose, that thousands of innocent people will die in this little &quot;accident&quot; of yours?
:'''Orlov''': Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks!
:'''Bond''': On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
:'''Orlov''': ''[they hear hoot as the train starts to move off]'' It's too late.
:'''Bond''': You can stop it at the border. ''[the trailer door opens, revealing two Russian soldiers and Bond, having been caught, kills one soldier and escapes to avoid being killed by the other]''
:'''Orlov''': ''[referring to Bond escaping from the Russian soldier, who is chasing him]'' Kill him!! Kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[looking at the tattoo on Magda's back]'' What is that?
:'''Magda''': That's my little octopussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': So does he have a proposition for me or do you?
:'''Magda''': He suggest a trade. The egg... for your life.
:'''Bond''': Well, I heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': ''[preparing to leave the circus, where a bomb is placed]'' General, excuse me. I have some traveling arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
:'''US general''': Thank you.
:'''US aide''': I'm sure the general will get a big blast out of this.
:'''Khan''': I know he won't be disappointed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': You seem to have a nasty habit of surviving.
:'''Bond''': Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Gogol walks to crawling general Orlov, who has just been shot by East German border guards, thinking he wast trying to defect]''
:'''Gogol''': Common thief! You're disgrace to your uniform!
:'''Orlov''': ''[weakly]'' Yes. But tomorrow, I shall be the hero of the Soviet... Union... ''[dies]''

== Taglines ==
* Nobody does it better...thirteen times.
* James Bond's all time action high.
* Nobody does him better.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Octopussy (character)|Octopussy]]
* [[w:Louis Jourdan|Louis Jourdan]] - [[w:Kamal Khan|Kamal Khan]]
* [[w:Kristina Wayborn|Kristina Wayborn]] - [[w:Magda (James Bond)|Magda]]
* [[w:Kabir Bedi|Kabir Bedi]] - Gobinda
* [[w:Steven Berkoff|Steven Berkoff]] - [[w:General Orlov|General Orlov]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Michaela Clavell|Michaela Clavell]] - Penelope Smallbone
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0086034|title=Octopussy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=octopussy|title=Octopussy}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1983 films]]
[[Category:Films based on short fiction]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
      <sha1>oom46p5d8fk8z3cg77ez796dfub9g6z</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153313</id>
      <parentid>3153312</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:10:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Better with two words than with one.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5903" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Octopussy|Octopussy]]''''' is a [[w:1983 in film|1983 film]] in which a fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:George MacDonald Fraser|George MacDonald Fraser]], [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]], and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]], based on a short story by [[Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Nobody does it better...thirteen times.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Kamal Khan ==
* Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct.
* Englishman. Likes eggs, preferably Faberge, and dice, preferably loaded.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Bond and Vijay's car is being chased by Gobinda and his henchmen.]
:'''Bond''': Vijay, we've got company!
:'''Vijay''': No problem, this is a company car!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[hands Q his coat]'' Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.
:'''Q''': Oh, and missed you? What a pity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond and Q float in a hot air balloon]''
:'''Bond''': I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
:'''Q''': It goes by hot air.
:'''Bond''': Oh, then you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vijay''': Is he still there?
:'''Q''': You must be joking! Double-0 seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orlov''': ''[enters the trailer, sees Bond in Mischka's clothes from behind]'' Leave that! Let's go.
:'''Bond''': ''[turns around, facing Orlov with pointed gun]'' No, let's stay. You. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move! Now why is that bomb on the train?
:'''Orlov''': Who are you?
:'''Bond''': I'm with British Secret Service.
:''[the scene cuts to two Russian soldiers having finished examining General Orlov's car with the jewel container inside the trunk and leaving to do their duty; the scene cuts again to Bond still holding General Orlov captive inside the trailer]''
:'''Orlov''': You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
:'''Bond''': I am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a United States Air Force base. You surely can't be inviting a full-scale nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
:'''Orlov''': ''[grins]'' Against whom?
:'''Bond''': ''[frowning, realizing Orlov's scheme]'' My God. Of course. Our early-warning system will rule out the possibility of that bomb having come from Russia or anywhere else. Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
:'''Orlov''': That would be the most plausible explanation.
:'''Bond''': Europe will insist on unilateral disarmament, leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will. And it doesn't matter a damn to you, I suppose, that thousands of innocent people will be killed in this little &quot;accident&quot; of yours?
:'''Orlov''': Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks!
:'''Bond''': On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
:'''Orlov''': ''[they hear hoot as the train starts to move off]'' It's too late.
:'''Bond''': You can stop it at the border. ''[the trailer door opens, revealing two Russian soldiers and Bond, having been caught, kills one soldier and escapes to avoid being killed by the other]''
:'''Orlov''': ''[referring to Bond escaping from the Russian soldier, who is chasing him]'' Kill him!! Kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[looking at the tattoo on Magda's back]'' What is that?
:'''Magda''': That's my little octopussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': So does he have a proposition for me or do you?
:'''Magda''': He suggest a trade. The egg... for your life.
:'''Bond''': Well, I heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': ''[preparing to leave the circus, where a bomb is placed]'' General, excuse me. I have some traveling arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
:'''US general''': Thank you.
:'''US aide''': I'm sure the general will get a big blast out of this.
:'''Khan''': I know he won't be disappointed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': You seem to have a nasty habit of surviving.
:'''Bond''': Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Gogol walks to crawling general Orlov, who has just been shot by East German border guards, thinking he wast trying to defect]''
:'''Gogol''': Common thief! You're disgrace to your uniform!
:'''Orlov''': ''[weakly]'' Yes. But tomorrow, I shall be the hero of the Soviet... Union... ''[dies]''

== Taglines ==
* Nobody does it better...thirteen times.
* James Bond's all time action high.
* Nobody does him better.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Octopussy (character)|Octopussy]]
* [[w:Louis Jourdan|Louis Jourdan]] - [[w:Kamal Khan|Kamal Khan]]
* [[w:Kristina Wayborn|Kristina Wayborn]] - [[w:Magda (James Bond)|Magda]]
* [[w:Kabir Bedi|Kabir Bedi]] - Gobinda
* [[w:Steven Berkoff|Steven Berkoff]] - [[w:General Orlov|General Orlov]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Michaela Clavell|Michaela Clavell]] - Penelope Smallbone
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0086034|title=Octopussy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=octopussy|title=Octopussy}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1983 films]]
[[Category:Films based on short fiction]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
      <sha1>1wky38q9td0b7okxdoy2cpf5yozsqgg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>A View to a Kill</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107219</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153294</id>
      <parentid>3149929</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:45:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Removed a word.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7029" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Aviewtokill-logo.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:A View to a Kill|A View to a Kill]]''''' is a [[w:1985 in film|1985 film]] in which an investigation of a horse-racing scam leads James Bond to a mad industrialist who plans to create a worldwide microchip monopoly by destroying California's Silicon Valley.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]] and [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]].'' 
&lt;center&gt;'''Adventure Above And Beyond All Other Bonds''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/center&gt;

== Max Zorin ==
* For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make microchips from sillicon, which is common sand, but far better than gold. Now, for several years, we had a profitable partnership, you as manufacturers, while I acquired and passed on to you industrial information that made you competitive, successful. We are now on the unique position to form an international cartel to control not only production, but distribution of these microchips. There is one obstacle - Silicon Valley in San Francisco.
* ''[after one member falls to his death]'' Well, does anyone else want to drop out?

== Dialogue ==
:'''James Bond''': Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.
:'''Jenny Flex''': Yes, I love an early morning ride.
:'''Bond''': Well, I'm an early riser myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Zorin''': ''[the morning after Bond sleeps with May Day]'' You slept well?
:'''James Bond''': A little restless but I got off eventually.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emcee''': Ladies and gentlemen, the beautful Dominique.
:''[A beautiful woman in a pink leotard sings a song while butterfly puppets surround her]''
:'''Aubergine''': Perhaps we should add this &quot;butterfly&quot; to our collection, no? ''[chuckles]''
:'''James Bond''': Tell me, why do Zorin's horses beat others with far superior bloodlines?
:'''Aubergine''': This is a mystery.
:'''James Bond''': Could he be using drugs?
:'''Aubergine''': Nothing showed up in the tests. Later this month, Zorin will hold his annual sale at his stud near Paris. Security is formidable. But the key to this mystery is there. And I, Achille Aubergine, intend to find it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': My department knows I'm here. When I don't report, they'll retaliate.
:'''Max Zorin''': If you're the best they've got, they're more likely to try and cover up your embarrassing incompetence.
:'''Bond''': Don't count on it, Zorin.
:'''Zorin''': ''[laughs]'' Ha ha, you amuse me, Mr. Bond.
:'''Bond''': It's not mutual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Gogol''': Good morning, Comrade Zorin.
:'''Zorin''': General Gogol. This meeting is ill-advised.
:'''Gogol''': A calculated risk. But necessary, since you refused to answer your control.
:'''Zorin''': Come to the point, General.
:'''Gogol''': You disregard procedure. You did not request approval before eliminating 007. Reprisals might jeopardize ongoing operations.
:'''Zorin''': You jeopardized mine!! Letting the British penetrate the Siberian research center.
:'''Gogol''': That was regrettable. Your racing activities attract unnecessary attention, but more disturbing are your unauthorized commercial ventures, and we cannot tolerate that.
:'''Zorin''': The issue is irrelevant. I've made new associations. I no longer consider myself a KGB agent.
:'''Klotkoff''': We trained you. Financed you. Huh. What would you be without us? A biological experiment? A physiological freak?
:''[May Day lifts Klotkoff off the ground and over her head while Jenny Flex arrives and points a gun at the rest of General Gogol's men]''
:'''Gogol''': ''[to his own men]'' Enough of this!! Control yourselves!! ''[May Day throws Klotkoff down to the ground while General Gogol confronts Zorin]'' You will come back to us, Comrade. No one ever leaves the KGB.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Geologist Howe''': What have they done?
:'''Max Zorin''': You discharged her, so she and her accomplice came here to kill you. Then they set fire to the office, to conceal the crime but they were trapped in the elevator and perished in the flames.
:'''Howe''': But that means I would have to be...
:'''Zorin''': Dead! ''[shoots him]'' That's rather neat, Don't you think?
:'''James Bond''': Brilliant. I'm almost speechless with admiration.
:'''Zorin''': Intuitive improvisation is the secret of genius.
:'''Bond''': Herr Doktor Mortner would be proud of his creation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SFPD Officer''': You're under arrest.
:'''Stacey Sutton''': Wait a minute, this is James Stock of the London Financial times.
:'''James Bond''': Well, actually, captain, I'm with the British Secret Service. The name is Bond, James Bond.
:'''SFPD Officer''': Is he?
:'''Sutton''': Are you?
:'''Bond''': Yes.
:'''SFPD Officer''': And I'm Dick Tracy and you're still under arrest!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''May Day''': ''[In Zorin's dirigible]'' Wow! '''What a view...'''
:'''Max Zorin''': '''...to a kill!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scarpine''': It's time to flood the fault.
:'''Bob Conley''': But May Day and my men!
:'''Max Zorin''': Yes. A convenient coincidence.
:'''Conley''': Mr. Zorin, those men are LOYAL to you! ''[Scarpine knocks him out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After surviving the flood in the mines.]''
:'''May Day''': And I thought that creep loved me!
:'''James Bond''': You're not the only one he double-crossed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond is in the shower with Stacey and Q is using Snooper to spy on them. Phone rings]''
:'''Q''': Hello?
:'''M''': Grandfather is calling Q. What's the situation?
:'''Q''': 007 alive.
:'''M''': Where is he? What's he doing?
:'''Q''': Just cleaning up a few details.
:'''Stacey Sutton''': Oh, James!

== Taglines ==
* Adventure Above And Beyond All Other Bonds

* Has James Bond finally met his match?

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[Christopher Walken]] - [[w:Max Zorin|Max Zorin]]
* [[w:Tanya Roberts|Tanya Roberts]] - [[w:Stacey Sutton|Stacey Sutton]]
* [[Grace Jones]] - May Day
* [[w:Patrick Macnee|Patrick Macnee]] - Sir Godfrey Tibbett
* [[w:Patrick Bauchau|Patrick Bauchau]] - Scarpine
* [[w:David Yip|David Yip]] - Chuck Lee
* [[w:Fiona Fullerton|Fiona Fullerton]] - Pola Ivanova
* Manning Redwood - Bob Conley
* [[w:Alison Doody|Alison Doody]] - Jenny Flex
* [[w:Willoughby Gray|Willoughby Gray]] - Dr. Carl Mortner / Hans Glaub
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0090264|title=A View to a Kill}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=view_to_a_kill|title=A View to a Kill}} 

[[Category:Action films|View to a Kill]]
[[Category:James Bond 007|View to a Kill]]
[[Category:1985 films|View to a Kill]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films set in San Francisco]]</text>
      <sha1>akmyrujwwlq35x54d6c3usa2xoxvzjz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>License to Kill</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107984</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153297</id>
      <parentid>2915595</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:51:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Updated two quotes.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11316" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Licensetokill-logo.svg|thumb|]]
'''''[[w:Licence to Kill|Licence to Kill]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which James Bond leaves Her Majesty's Secret Service to stop an evil drug lord and avenge his best friend, Felix Leiter.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]] and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]].''
{{center|'''His bad side is a dangerous place to be.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Franz Sanchez ==
* Señor Bond, you got big cojones. You come here, to my place, without references, carrying a piece, throwing around a lot of money... but you should know something: nobody saw you come in, so nobody has to see you go out.
* ''[about to put Bond in a cocaine grinder]'' When it gets up to your ankles, you're going to beg to tell me everything. When it gets up to your knees, you'll kiss my ass to kill you.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Della Leiter''': ''[kissing Bond]'' That's a custom, you see. The bride always gets to kiss her best man.
:'''James Bond''': I thought it was the other way around.
:'''Della Leiter''': Aww... ''[kisses him again]'' Oh, James, would you mind? Felix is still in the study and we've got to cut this cake.
:'''James Bond''': I'll do anything for a woman with a knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Killifer''': You're facing 139 felony counts, Sanchez. Why that's 936 years. Even one of your famous $1 million dollar bribes can't get you out of this one.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Two.
:'''Ed Killifer''': What?
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Two million. U.S. Standing offer for anyone who squeaks me.
:'''Ed Killifer''': Goddammit, you think you're in some banana republic?! All that scumbag money won't do you a bit of good here.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Very good, but I think I'm gonna be home soon, huh?
:'''Ed Killifer''': Why you.....''[attacks Sanchez before being restrained by his partner]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Felix realizes Killifer betrayed him]''
:'''Felix Leiter''': Killifer?
:'''Ed Killifer''': Sorry, ol' buddy, but two mil's a helluva chunk o' dough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Felix is being lowered into a pool full of sharks]''
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I just want you to know that this is nothing personal. It's purely business.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Killing me won't stop anything, Sanchez!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': There are worse things than dying, hombre.
:''[Lowers him into the shark pit]''
:'''Felix Leiter''': See you in hell!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': No, no. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharkey''': ''[about Felix]'' How is he?
:'''James Bond''': His left leg's gone below the knee. But they might be able to save his arm.
:'''Rasmussen''': You can bet it was a chainsaw. Colombians love to use them on informers. Hell, they sell more here than the state of Oregon.
:''[Rasmussen leaves]''
:'''Sharkey''': Chainsaw my ass. I know a shark bite when I see one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[M confronts Bond in Key West]''
:'''M''': You were supposed to be in Istanbul last night! I'm afraid this unfortunate Leiter business has, somehow... clouded your judgment. You have a job to do. I expect you on a plane this afternoon.
:'''James Bond''': I haven't finished here, sir.
:'''M''': Leave it to the Americans. It's their mess. Let them clean it up.
:'''James Bond''': Sir, they're not going to do anything! I owe it to Leiter. He's put his life on the line for me many times before.
:'''M''': Oh, spare me this sentimental rubbish! He knew the risks.
:'''James Bond''': And his wife?
:'''M''': This private vendetta of yours could easily compromise Her Majesty's government. You have an assignment, and I expect you to carry it out ''objectively'' and ''professionally''.
:'''James Bond''': Then you have my resignation, sir.
:'''M''': We're not a country club, 007! Effective immediately, your licence to kill is revoked. And I require you to hand over your weapon. Now. I need hardly remind you that you're still bound by the Official Secrets Act.
:'''James Bond''': Then I guess it's... farewell to arms.
:''[Bond knocks the other agents and escapes before the snipers on the top roof try to kill him and the other MI6 agent tries to shoot Bond down, but M stops him]''
:'''M''': Don't! Too many people! ''[M sees his best agent running away from MI6 in Key West and is shocked to see this]'' God help you, commander.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''President Hector Lopez''': There has been a mistake with my cheque. Look at it! It's ''half'' the usual amount.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': You were very quiet when I was arrested. Remember, you're only president... for life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': This is no place for you, Q. Go home.
:'''Q''': Oh, don't be an idiot, 007. I know exactly what you're up to, and quite frankly, you're going to need my help. Remember, if it hadn't been for Q Branch, you'd have been dead long ago. ''[opens a case]'' Everything for a man on holiday. Explosive alarm clock - guaranteed never to wake up anyone who uses it. Dentonite toothpaste - to be used sparingly, the latest in plastic explosive.
:'''James Bond''': I could do with some plastic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': In my business you prepare for the unexpected.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': And what business is that?
:'''James Bond''': I help people with problems.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Problem solver?
:'''James Bond''': More of a problem eliminator.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franz Sanchez''': In this business, there's a lot of cash. And a lot of people with their hands out.
:'''Kwang''': In a word... bribery.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Exactly. He took the words right out of my pocket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''Killifer is dangling on a rope over shark-infested water''
:'''Ed Killifer''': There's $2 million in that suitcase. I'll split it with you.
:'''James Bond''': ''[menacingly]'' You earned it. You keep it... old '''''buddy'''''!
:''[Bond throws the case at him, knocking Killifer into the water. A shark makes Killifer his next meal]''
:'''Sharkey''': God, what a terrible waste.
:''[Bond glares at Sharkey]''
:'''Sharkey''': Of money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kwang and his Hong Kong agents have captured James Bond]''
:'''Kwang''': Who would have a signature gun?
:'''Fallon''': James Bond. ''[examines the gun]'' This is the property of Her Majesty's Government. How did you get it?
:'''James Bond''': Piss off!
:'''Kwang''': Who ordered you to kill Sanchez?
:'''Fallon''': No one! He's a rogue agent. I've got orders to take him back one way or another.
:'''James Bond''': Who are you people?!
:'''Kwang''': We're [[w:Security Bureau (Hong Kong)|Hong Kong Narcotics]], you bastard! ''[grabs Bond]'' Sanchez is taking us to the heart of his operations. I've been setting it up for years! ''[menacingly]'' I just hope that little stunt of yours hasn't scared him off!
:''[Sanchez's army is at the hideout]''
:'''James Bond''': Get me out of these bloody things so I can deal with you.
:'''Fallon''': No, Commander. You're in no position to make deals. You're a loose cannon on deck. ''[prepares syringe]'' I'm shipping you straight back to London.
:''[Bond struggles until Sanchez's army attacks]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lupe Lamora''': What are you doing?
:'''James Bond''': I've had my fill of Sanchez's hospitality.
:'''Lupe Lamora''': He told you to stay. You're asking for big trouble.
:'''James Bond''': Look, there's no need for you to get involved. Just give me five minutes, then scream your head off.
:'''Lupe Lamora''': James, please, listen to me. There are guards all over the place. You'll never make it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heller''': I can get the trucks out! But I don't think I can control the fire!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Forget the fire! Get some cars, we're gonna take the tankers with us!
:'''Truman-Lodge''': Wait a minute! This setup cost us $32 million! We've got to try and save it!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I don't give a shit about the setup! We've got $500 million in the case, and 20 tonnes of Colombian pure '''''in the tankers'''''! Now go help Heller!
:'''Truman-Lodge''': But we've got a deal with the Orientals. We've got their money.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I said '''go help Heller'''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dario''': ''[sees Pam as he's about to kill Bond]'' Ha ha! You're ''dead.''
:'''Pam Bouvier''': You took the words right out of my mouth. ''[shoots him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond has destroyed a tanker]''
:'''Truman-Lodge''': '''Brilliant!''' Well done, Franz! Another $80 million ''write-off''!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Then I guess it's time to start cutting overhead.
:''[Sanchez guns him down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franz Sanchez''': You could have had everything!
:'''James Bond''': Don't you want to know why? ''[briefly shows Sanchez his cigar lighter which says &quot;James, love always. Della and Felix.&quot; Bond sets Sanchez on fire and Bond escapes before the oil tanker explodes and Bond sees Pam driving a truck cab]''
:'''Pam Bouvier''': What are you waiting for, get in!
:'''Bond''': Yes, sir! ''[gets in the truck and escapes with Pam]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond is at the party having a phone call with Felix Leiter]''
:'''James Bond''': I'll be up to see you next week.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Good. I'll be out by then. M called, he tried to reach you, I think he may have a job for you.
:'''James Bond''': Look, Felix, I have to go, My, er, hostess has just arrived.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Take care, James.
:'''James Bond''': You too. Goodbye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pam Bouvier''': Why don't you wait until you're asked?
:'''James Bond''': So why don't you ask me?

== Taglines ==
* His bad side is a dangerous place to be.
* James Bond is out on his own and out for revenge.
* Out for revenge. Glimpse behind the cool facade of 007, And see how sweet revenge can really be.
* Disgraced, Dishonoured, Deadly.
* When Bond wants revenge, nothing stands in his way. Not even [[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE]]!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Timothy Dalton|Timothy Dalton]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Carey Lowell|Carey Lowell]] - [[w:Pam Bouvier|Pam Bouvier]]
* [[w:Robert Davi|Robert Davi]] - [[w:Franz Sanchez|Franz Sanchez]]
* [[w:Talisa Soto|Talisa Soto]] - [[w:Lupe Lamora|Lupe Lamora]]
* [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]] - Milton Krest
* [[w:Frank McRae|Frank McRae]] - [[w:Sharkey (James Bond)|Sharkey]]
* [[w:David Hedison|David Hedison]] - [[w:Felix Leiter|Felix Leiter]]
* [[w:Priscilla Barnes|Priscilla Barnes]] - [[w:Della Churchill|Della Churchill]]
* [[w:Wayne Newton|Wayne Newton]] - Professor Joe Butcher
* [[w:Benicio Del Toro|Benicio Del Toro]] - Dario
* [[w:Anthony Starke|Anthony Starke]] - Truman-Lodge
* [[w:Everett McGill|Everett McGill]] - Ed Killifer
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown (British actor)|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Caroline Bliss|Caroline Bliss]] - [[w:Miss Monepenny|Miss Moneypenny]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0097742|title=Licence to Kill}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=licence_to_kill|title=Licence to Kill}}

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]</text>
      <sha1>ba2esyphf5v19q9t7ykj3npiq9mzwho</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153300</id>
      <parentid>3153297</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:52:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Updated a few lines of the quote.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11329" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Licensetokill-logo.svg|thumb|]]
'''''[[w:Licence to Kill|Licence to Kill]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] in which James Bond leaves Her Majesty's Secret Service to stop an evil drug lord and avenge his best friend, Felix Leiter.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]] and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]].''
{{center|'''His bad side is a dangerous place to be.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Franz Sanchez ==
* Señor Bond, you got big cojones. You come here, to my place, without references, carrying a piece, throwing around a lot of money... but you should know something: nobody saw you come in, so nobody has to see you go out.
* ''[about to put Bond in a cocaine grinder]'' When it gets up to your ankles, you're going to beg to tell me everything. When it gets up to your knees, you'll kiss my ass to kill you.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Della Leiter''': ''[kissing Bond]'' That's a custom, you see. The bride always gets to kiss her best man.
:'''James Bond''': I thought it was the other way around.
:'''Della Leiter''': Aww... ''[kisses him again]'' Oh, James, would you mind? Felix is still in the study and we've got to cut this cake.
:'''James Bond''': I'll do anything for a woman with a knife.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ed Killifer''': You're facing 139 felony counts, Sanchez. Why that's 936 years. Even one of your famous $1 million dollar bribes can't get you out of this one.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Two.
:'''Ed Killifer''': What?
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Two million. U.S. Standing offer for anyone who squeaks me.
:'''Ed Killifer''': Goddammit, you think you're in some banana republic?! All that scumbag money won't do you a bit of good here.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Very good, but I think I'm gonna be home soon, huh?
:'''Ed Killifer''': Why you.....''[attacks Sanchez before being restrained by his partner]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Felix realizes Killifer betrayed him]''
:'''Felix Leiter''': Killifer?
:'''Ed Killifer''': Sorry, ol' buddy, but two mil's a helluva chunk o' dough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Felix is being lowered into a pool full of sharks]''
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I just want you to know that this is nothing personal. It's purely business.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Killing me won't stop anything, Sanchez!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': There are worse things than dying, hombre.
:''[Lowers him into the shark pit]''
:'''Felix Leiter''': See you in hell!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': No, no. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sharkey''': ''[about Felix]'' How is he?
:'''James Bond''': His left leg's gone below the knee. But they might be able to save his arm.
:'''Rasmussen''': You can bet it was a chainsaw. Colombians love to use them on informers. Hell, they sell more here than the state of Oregon.
:''[Rasmussen leaves]''
:'''Sharkey''': Chainsaw my ass. I know a shark bite when I see one.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[M confronts Bond in Key West]''
:'''M''': You were supposed to be in Istanbul last night! I'm afraid this unfortunate Leiter business has, somehow... clouded your judgment. You have a job to do. I expect you on a plane this afternoon.
:'''James Bond''': I haven't finished here, sir.
:'''M''': Leave it to the Americans. It's their mess. Let them clean it up.
:'''James Bond''': Sir, they're not going to do anything! I owe it to Leiter. He's put his life on the line for me many times before.
:'''M''': Oh, spare me this sentimental rubbish! He knew the risks.
:'''James Bond''': And his wife?
:'''M''': This private vendetta of yours could easily compromise Her Majesty's government. You have an assignment, and I expect you to carry it out ''objectively'' and ''professionally''.
:'''James Bond''': Then you have my resignation, sir.
:'''M''': We're not a country club, 007! Effective immediately, your licence to kill is revoked. And I require you to hand over your weapon. Now. I need hardly remind you that you're still bound by the Official Secrets Act.
:'''James Bond''': Then I guess it's... farewell to arms.
:''[Bond knocks the other agents and escapes before the snipers on the top roof try to kill him and the other MI6 agent tries to shoot Bond down, but M stops him]''
:'''M''': Don't! Too many people! ''[M sees his best agent running away from MI6 in Key West and is shocked to see this]'' God help you, commander.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''President Hector Lopez''': There has been a mistake with my cheque. Look at it! It's ''half'' the usual amount.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': You were very quiet when I was arrested. Remember, you're only president... for life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': This is no place for you, Q. Go home.
:'''Q''': Oh, don't be an idiot, 007. I know exactly what you're up to, and quite frankly, you're going to need my help. Remember, if it hadn't been for Q Branch, you'd have been dead long ago. ''[opens a case]'' Everything for a man on holiday. Explosive alarm clock - guaranteed never to wake up anyone who uses it. Dentonite toothpaste - to be used sparingly, the latest in plastic explosive.
:'''James Bond''': I could do with some plastic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': In my business you prepare for the unexpected.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': And what business is that?
:'''James Bond''': I help people with problems.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Problem solver?
:'''James Bond''': More of a problem eliminator.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franz Sanchez''': In this business, there's a lot of cash. And a lot of people with their hands out.
:'''Kwang''': In a word... bribery.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Exactly. He took the words right out of my pocket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''Killifer is dangling on a rope over shark-infested water''
:'''Ed Killifer''': There's $2 million in that suitcase. I'll split it with you.
:'''James Bond''': ''[menacingly]'' You earned it. You keep it... old '''''buddy'''''!
:''[Bond throws the case at him, knocking Killifer into the water. A shark makes Killifer his next meal]''
:'''Sharkey''': God, what a terrible waste.
:''[Bond glares at Sharkey]''
:'''Sharkey''': Of money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kwang and his Hong Kong agents have captured James Bond]''
:'''Kwang''': Who would have a signature gun?
:'''Fallon''': James Bond. ''[examines the gun]'' This is the property of Her Majesty's Government. How did you get it?
:'''James Bond''': Go to blazes!
:'''Kwang''': Who ordered you to kill Sanchez?
:'''Fallon''': No one! He's a rogue agent. I've got orders to take him back one way or another.
:'''James Bond''': Who the hell are you people?!
:'''Kwang''': We're [[w:Security Bureau (Hong Kong)|Hong Kong Narcotics]], you bastard! ''[grabs Bond]'' Sanchez is taking us to the heart of his operations. I've been setting it up for years! ''[menacingly]'' I just hope that little stunt of yours hasn't scared him off!
:''[Sanchez's army is at the hideout]''
:'''James Bond''': Get me out of these bloody things so I can deal with you.
:'''Fallon''': No, Commander. You're in no position to make deals. You're a loose cannon on deck. ''[prepares syringe]'' I'm shipping you straight back to London.
:''[Bond struggles until Sanchez's army attacks]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lupe Lamora''': What are you doing?
:'''James Bond''': I've had my fill of Sanchez's hospitality.
:'''Lupe Lamora''': He told you to stay. You're asking for big trouble.
:'''James Bond''': Look, there's no need for you to get involved. Just give me five minutes, then scream your head off.
:'''Lupe Lamora''': James, please, listen to me. There are guards all over the place. You'll never make it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heller''': I can get the trucks out! But I don't think I can control the fire!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Forget the fire! Get some cars, we're gonna take the tankers with us!
:'''Truman-Lodge''': Wait a minute! This setup cost us $32 million! We've got to try and save it!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I don't give a shit about the setup! We've got $500 million in the case, and 20 tonnes of Colombian pure '''''in the tankers'''''! Now go help Heller!
:'''Truman-Lodge''': But we've got a deal with the Orientals. We've got their money.
:'''Franz Sanchez''': I said '''go help Heller'''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dario''': ''[sees Pam as he's about to kill Bond]'' Ha ha! You're ''dead.''
:'''Pam Bouvier''': You took the words right out of my mouth. ''[shoots him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond has destroyed a tanker]''
:'''Truman-Lodge''': '''Brilliant!''' Well done, Franz! Another $80 million ''write-off''!
:'''Franz Sanchez''': Then I guess it's time to start cutting overhead.
:''[Sanchez guns him down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franz Sanchez''': You could have had everything!
:'''James Bond''': Don't you want to know why? ''[briefly shows Sanchez his cigar lighter which says &quot;James, love always. Della and Felix.&quot; Bond sets Sanchez on fire and Bond escapes before the oil tanker explodes and Bond sees Pam driving a truck cab]''
:'''Pam Bouvier''': What are you waiting for, get in!
:'''Bond''': Yes, sir! ''[gets in the truck and escapes with Pam]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond is at the party having a phone call with Felix Leiter]''
:'''James Bond''': I'll be up to see you next week.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Good. I'll be out by then. M called, he tried to reach you, I think he may have a job for you.
:'''James Bond''': Look, Felix, I have to go, My, er, hostess has just arrived.
:'''Felix Leiter''': Take care, James.
:'''James Bond''': You too. Goodbye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pam Bouvier''': Why don't you wait until you're asked?
:'''James Bond''': So why don't you ask me?

== Taglines ==
* His bad side is a dangerous place to be.
* James Bond is out on his own and out for revenge.
* Out for revenge. Glimpse behind the cool facade of 007, And see how sweet revenge can really be.
* Disgraced, Dishonoured, Deadly.
* When Bond wants revenge, nothing stands in his way. Not even [[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE]]!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Timothy Dalton|Timothy Dalton]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Carey Lowell|Carey Lowell]] - [[w:Pam Bouvier|Pam Bouvier]]
* [[w:Robert Davi|Robert Davi]] - [[w:Franz Sanchez|Franz Sanchez]]
* [[w:Talisa Soto|Talisa Soto]] - [[w:Lupe Lamora|Lupe Lamora]]
* [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]] - Milton Krest
* [[w:Frank McRae|Frank McRae]] - [[w:Sharkey (James Bond)|Sharkey]]
* [[w:David Hedison|David Hedison]] - [[w:Felix Leiter|Felix Leiter]]
* [[w:Priscilla Barnes|Priscilla Barnes]] - [[w:Della Churchill|Della Churchill]]
* [[w:Wayne Newton|Wayne Newton]] - Professor Joe Butcher
* [[w:Benicio Del Toro|Benicio Del Toro]] - Dario
* [[w:Anthony Starke|Anthony Starke]] - Truman-Lodge
* [[w:Everett McGill|Everett McGill]] - Ed Killifer
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown (British actor)|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Caroline Bliss|Caroline Bliss]] - [[w:Miss Monepenny|Miss Moneypenny]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0097742|title=Licence to Kill}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=licence_to_kill|title=Licence to Kill}}

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Die Another Day</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>108712</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153408</id>
      <parentid>3152882</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:53:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8347" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Die Another Day|Die Another Day]]''''' is a 2002 British action movie. The 20th entry in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond series]], the movie features James Bond as he goes out for revenge after a lengthy captivity in North Korea. 
:''Directed by [[w:Lee Tamahori|Lee Tamahori]] Written by [[w:Neal Purvis|Neal Purvis]] and [[w:Robert Wade|Robert Wade]]..''

==James Bond==
* ''[At the party in the ice palace of Gustav Graves]'' [[w:vodka martini|Vodka martini]]. Plenty of ice, if you can spare it.
* ''[figures out that Gustav Graves and Colonel Moon are the same person]'' So you lived to die another day..Colonel.

==M==
* Knowing who to trust is everything in this business.

==Dialogue==
:''[Bond arrives in Colonel Moon's camp. As he steps off, briefcase in hand, Zao uses his cell phone to snap a picture of Bond]''
:'''Zao''': I am Zao. ''You'' are late.
:'''Colonel Moon Tan-Sun''': Mr. Van Bierk! I've been looking forward to this meeting.
:'''James Bond''': Me, too. ''[takes off his sunglasses]'' My African military friends owe you many thanks, Colonel Moon. Few men have the guts to trade conflict diamonds since the UN embargo.
:'''Moon''': I know all about the UN. I studied at Oxford and Harvard. Majored in Western hypocrisy. ''[Bond glances at Colonel Moon's collection of imported sportscars]''
:'''Bond''': From your modest little collection of cars, I would never have guessed.
:'''Moon''': Show me the diamonds.
:'''Bond''': Show me the weapons. ''[Zao picks up his radio]''
:'''Zao''': ''[radios in Korean]'' Bring the weapons. ''[The gate opens and several hovercraft enter the compound]''
:'''Bond''': Adding weapons in the Demilitarized Zone. That's a bit of a minefield out there.
:'''Moon''': America's cultural contribution. One million landmines, and my hovercrafts float right over them.
:''[The hovercraft carrying the weapons comes to a stop next to Bond]''
:'''Moon''': RPGs, flamethrowers, automatic weapons, and enough ammunition to run a small war. My diamonds? ''[Bond starts to hand the briefcase to Moon. Zao grabs it and hands it to Moon's diamond analyst]''
:'''Zao''': ''[in Korean]'' Check it over, quick. ''[The analyst opens the briefcase and looks at the diamonds]''
:'''Bond''': Don't blow it all at once.
:'''Moon''': Oh, I have special plans for this consignment. ''[Zao checks his cell phone, and sees Bond's MI6 file on screen. He looks at Colonel Moon, who comes over]''
:'''Zao''': ''[whispers]'' His name is James Bond, a British assassin. ''[Colonel Moon thinks about this. A moment later, he turns around and takes off his cap]''
:'''Moon''': Mr. Van Bierk, let me show you something. ''[He hops on the hovercraft and is handed an XM29 launcher]'' Our new tankbuster. Depleted uranium shells, naturally.
:'''James Bond''': Naturally.
:''[Colonel Moon looks at Bond - and suddenly fires the launcher at Bond's helicopter, which explodes. Zao draws his pistol and holds it to Bond's head. Bond tries to draw his gun but is disarmed by another soldier]''
:'''Moon''': How do you propose to kill me now, ''Mr. Bond''? ''[Colonel Moon hops off the hovercraft]'' It's pathetic, that you British ''still'' believe you have the right to police the world. But, you will not live to see the day all Korea is ruled by the North.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bond has just shot M in the shoulder during a training exercise]''
:'''Q''': Forgive my mentioning it, 007, but a perfect marksman isn't really supposed to shoot his own boss.
:'''James Bond''': Check the replay. You'll find he's dead and [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail#The Black Knight|she's only got a flesh wound]].
:'''Q''': There's always an excuse, isn't there, 00-Zero?
:'''Bond''': Give me the old firing range any day, quartermaster.
:'''Q''': Yes, well it's called the future, so get used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''James Bond''': ''[Looking in Q's lab]'' So, this is where they keep the old relics, eh?
:'''Q''': I'll have you know, this is where our most cutting-edge technology is developed.
:'''Bond''': ''[Activates the knife in the briefcase used in [[From Russia With Love]]]'' Hmm, point taken.
:'''Q''': Must you touch everything?
:'''Bond''': ''[Notices the jet-pack from [[Thunderball]]]'' Does this still work?
:''[Bond turns on the jet-pack, which starts to take off. Q quickly grabs it and shuts it down]''
:'''Q''': Now, look-
:'''Bond''': So where is this cutting-edge stuff?
:'''Q''': I'm trying to ''get'' to it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Q''': ''[Presses a button on his remote]'' Your new transportation.
:''[A bare transport platform glides into the station]''
:'''James Bond''':... Maybe you've been down here too long.
:'''Q''': The ultimate in British engineering. ''[Walks onto the platform. His image distorts around whatever is on the platform]''
:'''Bond''': You must be joking!
:'''Q''': As I learned from my predecessor, Bond, [[Goldfinger|I never joke about my work]]. Aston Martin calls it the [[w:Aston Martin Vanquish|Vanquish]], we call it &quot;The Vanish.&quot; ''[Presses a button, exposing a new sportscar]''
:'''Bond''': Oh, very good.
:'''Q''': Adaptive camouflage. Tiny cameras on all sides project the image they see onto a light-emitting polymer skin on the other side. See, to the casual eye, it's as good as invisible. Plus, all the usual refinements: ejector seat, torpedoes, target-seeking shotguns to shoot down mobile objects. ''[Reaches into the car, pulls out a big manual, handing it to Bond]'' Why don't you acquaint yourself with the manual? You should be able to shoot through that in a couple hours. ''[Bond tosses the manual in the air. The activated target-seeking shotguns promptly blast it to pieces]''
:'''Bond''': Just took a few seconds, Q.
:'''Q''': Wish I could make ''you'' vanish.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James Bond''': You looked like a man on the edge of losing control.
:'''Gustav Graves''': It's only by being on the edge that we know who we really are- under the skin. Take your [[w:Donald Campbell|Donald Campbell]]; 1967, the Bluebird, water speed record.
:'''Bond''': Of course. Campbell died on his return run.
:'''Graves''': Yeah, but he died chasing a dream. Isn't that the way to go?
:'''Bond''': I'd rather not go at all. I see you don't chase dreams: you live them.
:'''Graves''': One of the virtues of never sleeping, Mr. Bond. I have to live my dreams. Besides, plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': You know, I've missed your sparkling personality.
:'''Zao''': ''[punches him in the stomach.]'' How's that for a punchline?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miranda Frost''': Hah! I can read your every move!
:''[Jinx stabs Miranda with a knife embedded in a copy of [[Sun Tzu]]'s &quot;[[The Art of War]]&quot;]''
:'''Jinx''': Read THIS... ''[kicks the knife in Miranda's chest]'' bitch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond is about to get thrown out of a plane by Graves.]''
:'''Graves''': Oh, look - parachutes for the both of us! ''[throws one out of the plane with sarcastic glee]'' Whoops, not anymore! ''[dons his own parachute and grabs Bond by the throat]'' You see, Mr. Bond, you can't kill my dreams... but my dreams can kill ''you''! Time to face destiny.
:'''Bond''': ''[yanks Graves' parachute cord]'' Time to face gravity. ''[Graves is sucked out of the plane and into one of its engines.]''

==Cast==
*[[Pierce Brosnan]] - [[James Bond]]
*[[Halle Berry]] - Giacinta &quot;Jinx&quot; Johnson
*[[w:Toby Stephens|Toby Stephens]] - Gustav Graves
*[[w:Rosamund Pike|Rosamund Pike]] - Miranda Frost
*[[w:Rick Yune|Rick Yune]] - Zao
*[[w:Michael Madsen|Michael Madsen]] - Falco
*[[w:Will Yun Lee|Will Yun Lee]] - Colonel Moon Tan-sun
*[[w:Kenneth Tsang|Kenneth Tsang]] - General Moon
*[[w:Emilio Echevarría|Emilio Echevarría]] - Raoul
*[[w:Mikhail Gorevoy|Mikhail Gorevoy]] - Vladimir Popov
*[[w:Lawrence Makoare|Lawrence Makoare]] - Mr. Kil
*[[Judi Dench]] - M
*[[John Cleese]] - Q
*[[w:Samantha Bond|Samantha Bond]] - Miss Moneypenny

==Taglines==
* Events don't get any bigger than...

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246460/?ref_=nv_sr_1 ''Die Another Day'' at imdb.com]

{{wikipedia}}
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    <title>Georgi Pulevski</title>
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'''[[w:Georgi Pulevski|Georgi Pulevski]]''' ([[w:Bulgarian language|Bulgarian]]: Георги Пулевски; [[w:Macedonian language|Macedonian]]: Ѓорѓи Пулевски) ([[1817]] – [[February 13]] [[1893]]) was a writer and revolutionary, known for expressing publicly the idea of a separate Macedonian nation distinct from Serbs and Bulgarians, as well as a separate Macedonian language.

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* What do we call a nation? – People who are of the same origin and who speak the same words and who live and make friends of each other, who have the same customs and songs and entertainment are what we call a nation, and the place where that people lives is called the people's country. Thus the Macedonians also are a nation and the place which is theirs is called Macedonia. 
** ''Rečnik od tri jezika: s. makedonski, arbanski i turski'' [''Dictionary of Three languages: S. Macedonian, Albanian, Turkish''], U držacnoj štampariji, 1875, p. 48f.
== External links ==
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'''[[w:Georgi Pulevski|Georgi Pulevski]]''' ([[w:Bulgarian language|Bulgarian]]: Георги Пулевски; [[w:Macedonian language|Macedonian]]: Ѓорѓи Пулевски) ([[1817]] – [[February 13]] [[1893]]) was a writer and revolutionary, known for being the first author to express publicly the idea of a separate Macedonian nation distinct from Serbs and Bulgarians, as well as a separate Macedonian language.

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* What do we call a nation? – People who are of the same origin and who speak the same words and who live and make friends of each other, who have the same customs and songs and entertainment are what we call a nation, and the place where that people lives is called the people's country. Thus the Macedonians also are a nation and the place which is theirs is called Macedonia. 
** ''Rečnik od tri jezika: s. makedonski, arbanski i turski'' [''Dictionary of Three languages: S. Macedonian, Albanian, Turkish''], U držacnoj štampariji, 1875, p. 48f.
== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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    <title>The Thick of It</title>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today. 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today. 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today. 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(surprised)'' Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(off her phone)'' Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(happily)'' I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Not appreciating Terri's criticism)'' Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(annoyed)'' Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' ''(Ollie pretends to poop)'' &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(apologizing to his guests)'' Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' ''(laughing)'' Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' ''(happily)'' Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! ''(Steve mimes a tennis volley.)'' Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(still smiling)'' Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(jokingly)'' Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calmly)'' Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' ''(chuckling)'' Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Very excited)'' Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', ''(laughing)'' if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(in disbelief)'' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stretching his back)'' Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(stammering)'' No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mouthing)'' Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(happily)'' Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; ''(Malcolm gets a delivery.)'' Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. ''(He politely lets him pass through.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. ''(Steve's cell phone then beeps.)'' And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her phone)'' We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering)'' I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. 
:''(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' ''(knocking on the door)'' Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! ''(Steve starts laughing uncomfortably)'' Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(outside the door)'' Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering)'' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' ''(''still'' outside the office)'' Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! ''(Starts laughing again)'' I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' ''(pointing to the TV)'' The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(with a big smile)'' Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sighing)'' Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' ''(unimpressed)'' I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' ''(Seeing what Malcolm's up to)'' No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a door knock)'' Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at the TV behind Malcolm)'' Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(whispering softly)'' &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! ''(Malcolm heads towards the door.)'' You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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    <revision>
      <id>3153450</id>
      <parentid>3153436</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:30:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
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      <comment>/* Series 3, Episode 3 */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie safely make their way back to the room, but Glenn's nose is quite bloody from being punched by Malcolm. Nicola is completely aghast by Glenn's bloody nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' ''OH MY GOD! GLENN, WHAT HAPPENED?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I don't think Malcolm saw my point of view. I got punched. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, that is a lot of blood. 
:'''Ollie:''' It is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Is that normal? 
:'''Ollie:''' We need a cold press, or... have you got-is there ice? 
:''(Glenn and Ollie look in the mini-bar for something cold to soothe Glenn's nose and try to stop the bleeding. BUT...)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(looking in the mini-bar)'' Oh my God, everything's tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Are you having a turn, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I mean the can is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, okay, right, sorry. 
:'''Glenn:''' The kettle-the kettle is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, come and sit down.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, that's better. 
:''(Glenn has a cold can on his face, but he's still in bad shape...and Nicola wants to help him.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Um -- Oh, you look like a squeezed doughnut. Right, we need a flannel and some hot water. So I'll boil the kettle. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Look, I'm not having a baby. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, and anyway, it's a bloody nano-kettle. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' There's a hot tap! Jesus, what am I like? ''(chuckling)'' I mean, I could make you a cup of tiny tea. 
:''(After taking the wet flannel from Ollie, Nicola offers it to Glenn. But Glenn wants Nicola to put it on his wounded nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Um, so, there's the...What, you want me to...Okay, I'll have a go. Um, put your head back...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(interjecting)'' No, I think Malcolm said forward. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Forward? Is it forward? I don't know. I mean, I've always had childcare. ''(to Glenn)'' So, um, can you try-try and keep the bloody handkerchief away from my dress, if you don't mind? Oh dear, it looks very sore. 
:''(Glenn takes the wet flannel from Nicola for his nose. The conversation now shifts back to Nicola's speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' I'm assuming we lost our People's Champion, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it felt like a no to me, Nicola. Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Um, I think a no. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(desperate)'' I'm so fucked! I mean, I've got an hour and a half! 
:'''Glenn:''' With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I know! I know, and you were very brave. Just look, realistically, there is so little I can do about it. And I've just gotta write a fucking speech. ''(to Ollie)'' So, Ollie, could you get on with that? ''(back to Glenn)'' Glenn, why don't you come to my room and lie down? Put a towel down on the bed, just for...
:''(But then, from out of nowhere, an unwanted visitor appears in the room. And that person is -- of course -- Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, Malcolm! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? Oh, God! 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's the patient? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't wanna speak to you right now, Malcolm. 
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this. Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Shut up. ''(to Glenn)'' We're old soldiers, right? This is life in wartime, okay? I mean, every now and then you're gonna get an incident of friendly fire. Yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good man. Yes, good. 
:''(Malcolm goes into the bathroom and gives Glenn a hug, telling him he's sorry.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(surprised)'' Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(off her phone)'' Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(happily)'' I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Not appreciating Terri's criticism)'' Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(annoyed)'' Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' ''(Ollie pretends to poop)'' &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(apologizing to his guests)'' Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' ''(laughing)'' Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' ''(happily)'' Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! ''(Steve mimes a tennis volley.)'' Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(still smiling)'' Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(jokingly)'' Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calmly)'' Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' ''(chuckling)'' Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Very excited)'' Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', ''(laughing)'' if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(in disbelief)'' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stretching his back)'' Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(stammering)'' No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mouthing)'' Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(happily)'' Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; ''(Malcolm gets a delivery.)'' Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. ''(He politely lets him pass through.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. ''(Steve's cell phone then beeps.)'' And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her phone)'' We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering)'' I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. 
:''(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' ''(knocking on the door)'' Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! ''(Steve starts laughing uncomfortably)'' Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(outside the door)'' Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering)'' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' ''(''still'' outside the office)'' Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! ''(Starts laughing again)'' I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' ''(pointing to the TV)'' The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(with a big smile)'' Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sighing)'' Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' ''(unimpressed)'' I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' ''(Seeing what Malcolm's up to)'' No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a door knock)'' Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at the TV behind Malcolm)'' Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(whispering softly)'' &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! ''(Malcolm heads towards the door.)'' You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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      <id>3153452</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:32:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>3009526</id>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie safely make their way back to the room, but Glenn's nose is quite bloody from being punched by Malcolm. Nicola is completely aghast by Glenn's bloody nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' ''OH MY GOD! GLENN, WHAT HAPPENED?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I don't think Malcolm saw my point of view. I got punched. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, that is a lot of blood. 
:'''Ollie:''' It is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Is that normal? 
:'''Ollie:''' We need a cold press, or... have you got-is there ice? 
:''(Glenn and Ollie look in the mini-bar for something cold to soothe Glenn's nose and try to stop the bleeding. BUT...)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(looking in the mini-bar)'' Oh my God, everything's tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Are you having a turn, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I mean the can is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, okay, right, sorry. 
:'''Glenn:''' The kettle-the kettle is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, come and sit down.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, that's better. 
:''(Glenn has a cold can on his face, but he's still in bad shape...and Nicola wants to help him.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Um -- Oh, you look like a squeezed doughnut. Right, we need a flannel and some hot water. So I'll boil the kettle. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Look, I'm not having a baby. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, and anyway, it's a bloody nano-kettle. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' There's a hot tap! Jesus, what am I like? ''(chuckling)'' I mean, I could make you a cup of tiny tea. 
:''(After taking the wet flannel from Ollie, Nicola offers it to Glenn. But Glenn wants Nicola to put it on his wounded nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Um, so, there's the...What, you want me to...Okay, I'll have a go. Um, put your head back...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(interjecting)'' No, I think Malcolm said forward. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Forward? Is it forward? I don't know. I mean, I've always had childcare. ''(to Glenn)'' So, um, can you try-try and keep the bloody handkerchief away from my dress, if you don't mind? Oh dear, it looks very sore. 
:''(Glenn takes the wet flannel from Nicola for his nose. The conversation now shifts back to Nicola's speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' I'm assuming we lost our People's Champion, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it felt like a no to me, Nicola. Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Um, I think a no. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(desperate)'' I'm so fucked! I mean, I've got an hour and a half! 
:'''Glenn:''' With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I know! I know, and you were very brave. Just look, realistically, there is so little I can do about it. And I've just gotta write a fucking speech. ''(to Ollie)'' So, Ollie, could you get on with that? ''(back to Glenn)'' Glenn, why don't you come to my room and lie down? Put a towel down on the bed, just for...
:''(But then, from out of nowhere, an unwanted visitor appears in the room. And that person is -- of course -- Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, Malcolm! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? Oh, God! 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's the patient? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't wanna speak to you right now, Malcolm. 
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this. Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Shut up. ''(to Glenn)'' We're old soldiers, right? This is life in wartime, okay? I mean, every now and then you're gonna get an incident of friendly fire. Yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good man. Yes, good. 
:''(Malcolm goes into the bathroom and gives Glenn a hug, telling him he's sorry.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. ''(beat)'' Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(surprised)'' Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(off her phone)'' Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(happily)'' I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Not appreciating Terri's criticism)'' Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(annoyed)'' Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' ''(Ollie pretends to poop)'' &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(apologizing to his guests)'' Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' ''(laughing)'' Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' ''(happily)'' Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! ''(Steve mimes a tennis volley.)'' Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(still smiling)'' Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(jokingly)'' Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calmly)'' Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' ''(chuckling)'' Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Very excited)'' Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', ''(laughing)'' if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(in disbelief)'' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stretching his back)'' Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(stammering)'' No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mouthing)'' Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(happily)'' Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; ''(Malcolm gets a delivery.)'' Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. ''(He politely lets him pass through.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. ''(Steve's cell phone then beeps.)'' And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her phone)'' We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering)'' I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. 
:''(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' ''(knocking on the door)'' Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! ''(Steve starts laughing uncomfortably)'' Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(outside the door)'' Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering)'' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' ''(''still'' outside the office)'' Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! ''(Starts laughing again)'' I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' ''(pointing to the TV)'' The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(with a big smile)'' Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sighing)'' Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' ''(unimpressed)'' I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' ''(Seeing what Malcolm's up to)'' No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a door knock)'' Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at the TV behind Malcolm)'' Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(whispering softly)'' &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! ''(Malcolm heads towards the door.)'' You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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      <id>3153454</id>
      <parentid>3153452</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:34:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==
:''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
:''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 
:'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Just, um, &quot;Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time,&quot; yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the &quot;yada yada yada&quot; bit, obviously. 
:'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! 
:'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. 
:''(Nicola then gives Ollie a &quot;Well?&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. 
:'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? 
:'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 
:'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. 
:'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? 
:''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google &quot;goolies.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; for today's Party Conference.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 
:'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? 
:'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. 
:'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tell me. 
:'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
:'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. 
:''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' 
:'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial...
:'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. 
:'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. ''(beat)'' Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julie)'' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie safely make their way back to the room, but Glenn's nose is quite bloody from being punched by Malcolm. Nicola is completely aghast by Glenn's bloody nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' ''OH MY GOD! GLENN, WHAT HAPPENED?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I don't think Malcolm saw my point of view. I got punched. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, that is a lot of blood. 
:'''Ollie:''' It is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Is that normal? 
:'''Ollie:''' We need a cold press, or... have you got-is there ice? 
:''(Glenn and Ollie look in the mini-bar for something cold to soothe Glenn's nose and try to stop the bleeding. BUT...)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(looking in the mini-bar)'' Oh my God, everything's tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Are you having a turn, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I mean the can is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, okay, right, sorry. 
:'''Glenn:''' The kettle-the kettle is tiny. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, come and sit down.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, that's better. 
:''(Glenn has a cold can on his face, but he's still in bad shape...and Nicola wants to help him.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Um -- Oh, you look like a squeezed doughnut. Right, we need a flannel and some hot water. So I'll boil the kettle. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Look, I'm not having a baby. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, and anyway, it's a bloody nano-kettle. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' There's a hot tap! Jesus, what am I like? ''(chuckling)'' I mean, I could make you a cup of tiny tea. 
:''(After taking the wet flannel from Ollie, Nicola offers it to Glenn. But Glenn wants Nicola to put it on his wounded nose.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Um, so, there's the...What, you want me to...Okay, I'll have a go. Um, put your head back...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(interjecting)'' No, I think Malcolm said forward. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Forward? Is it forward? I don't know. I mean, I've always had childcare. ''(to Glenn)'' So, um, can you try-try and keep the bloody handkerchief away from my dress, if you don't mind? Oh dear, it looks very sore. 
:''(Glenn takes the wet flannel from Nicola for his nose. The conversation now shifts back to Nicola's speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' I'm assuming we lost our People's Champion, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it felt like a no to me, Nicola. Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Um, I think a no. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(desperate)'' I'm so fucked! I mean, I've got an hour and a half! 
:'''Glenn:''' With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I know! I know, and you were very brave. Just look, realistically, there is so little I can do about it. And I've just gotta write a fucking speech. ''(to Ollie)'' So, Ollie, could you get on with that? ''(back to Glenn)'' Glenn, why don't you come to my room and lie down? Put a towel down on the bed, just for...
:''(But then, from out of nowhere, an unwanted visitor appears in the room. And that person is -- of course -- Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, Malcolm! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? Oh, God! 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's the patient? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't wanna speak to you right now, Malcolm. 
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this. Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Shut up. ''(to Glenn)'' We're old soldiers, right? This is life in wartime, okay? I mean, every now and then you're gonna get an incident of friendly fire. Yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good man. Yes, good. 
:''(Malcolm goes into the bathroom and gives Glenn a hug, telling him he's sorry.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. ''(beat)'' Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Um, 'He's, um – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(surprised)'' Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(off her phone)'' Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(happily)'' I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Not appreciating Terri's criticism)'' Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(annoyed)'' Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' ''(Ollie pretends to poop)'' &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(apologizing to his guests)'' Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' ''(laughing)'' Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' ''(happily)'' Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! ''(Steve mimes a tennis volley.)'' Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(still smiling)'' Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(jokingly)'' Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calmly)'' Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' ''(chuckling)'' Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Very excited)'' Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', ''(laughing)'' if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(in disbelief)'' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stretching his back)'' Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(stammering)'' No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mouthing)'' Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(happily)'' Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; ''(Malcolm gets a delivery.)'' Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. ''(He politely lets him pass through.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. ''(Steve's cell phone then beeps.)'' And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her phone)'' We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering)'' I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. 
:''(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' ''(knocking on the door)'' Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! ''(Steve starts laughing uncomfortably)'' Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(outside the door)'' Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering)'' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' ''(''still'' outside the office)'' Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! ''(Starts laughing again)'' I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' ''(pointing to the TV)'' The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(with a big smile)'' Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sighing)'' Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' ''(unimpressed)'' I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' ''(Seeing what Malcolm's up to)'' No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a door knock)'' Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(stunned)'' Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(looking at the TV behind Malcolm)'' Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(whispering softly)'' &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! ''(Malcolm heads towards the door.)'' You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Tarzan (1999 film)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:50:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TommyBoiAlex</username>
        <id>3128859</id>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="7905" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]''''' is a 1999 American animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Feature Animation and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures Distribution on June 18, 1999.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Kerchak''': What happened?!
:'''Young Tarzan''': It was my fault, Kerchak.
:'''Kala''': Tarzan? 
:'''Young Tarzan''': We were playing and... well... I'm sorry, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': You almost killed someone!
:'''Young Tarzan''': But it was an accident...
:'''Kala''': He's only a child.
:'''Kerchak''': This is no excuse, Kala. You can't keep defending him.
:'''Kala''': He'll learn from it. 
:'''Kerchak''': He can't learn. He can't learn to be one of us. 
:'''Kala''': Because you never give him a chance!
:'''Kerchak''': Give him a chance?! Kala, look at him! He will never be one of us!
:'''Kala''': Kerchak, please! ''[to Tarzan, who escapes from her and Kerchak]'' Tarzan, come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:''[Tarzan gets ready to scare Kala behind her back]''
:'''Kala''': Don't even think about it.
:'''Tarzan''': How'd you know it was me?
:'''Kala''': I'm your mother. I know everything. Now, where have you been?
:'''Tarzan''': I thought you knew everything.
:''[Terk pounces on him]''
:'''Terk''': Hey, Auntie K! You look remarkably groomed today!
:'''Kala''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hello, Terk

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Tantor''': Y'know, I've been thinking lately that Tarzan might be some subspecies of elephant.
:'''Terk''': What are you, crazy? An elephant?!
:'''Tantor''': Listen to me. Think about it. He enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut.
:'''Terk''': He looks nothin' like ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Kerchak''': ''[to Tarzan, Kala, Terk, Tantor, Mungo, Flynt, and all of the other gorillas]'' Gather round, everyone. We will avoid the strangers. Do not let them see you, and do not seek them out.
:'''Tarzan''': They mean us no harm, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': Tarzan, I don't know that.
:'''Tarzan''': But, I do. I've spent time with them.
:'''Kerchak''': You may be willing to risk our safety, but I'm not.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[angry]'' Why are you being threatened by anyone different from you?!
:'''Kerchak''': Protect this family and stay away from them.
:'''Kaka''': ''[to Tarzan]'' Tarzan, for once, listen to Kerchak!
:'''Tarzan''': Why didn't you tell me there are creatures, who look like me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Clayton''': ''[clears his throat]'' Where are the gorillas? ''[Tarzan plays with his mustache]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitates Clayton]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Jane''': Shouting won't help, Mr. Clayton. He doesn't understand English.
:'''Clayton''': Then I'll make him understand. If I can teach a parrot to sing &quot;God save the Queen&quot;, I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two. ''[draws a crude gorilla on Jane's chalkboard and points to it with the chalk]'' Gorilla.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[takes the chalk and examines it]'' Gor-illa!
:'''Professor Porter''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! He's got it!
:'''Tarzan''': Gor-illa! ''[proceeds to scribble wildly on the chalkboard]'' Gorrrrr-illllla!
:'''Professor Porter''': Oh, perhaps not...
:'''Clayton''': ''[grabs chalk]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[Tarzan grabs the chalk back]''
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitating Clayton]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[they both bicker and fight over the chalk until Jane grabs it]''
:'''Jane''': Mr. Clayton, I think I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, all you have to do is get Kerchak out of the way.
:'''Terk''': What?!
:'''Tantor''': Well, I'd be happy to get Kerch--
:'''Terk''': ''[grabs Tantor's trunk to shut him up]'' Hey! Shut your trunk, and get me outta here! ''[Tantor does so]'' Can you believe that guy? Drops us like a newborn giraffe - kerplop! - now waltzes in here and expects us to just-- ''[Tarzan lands in front of her]''
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, I'm asking you as a friend.
:'''Terk''': ''[grimaces at Tarzan's  pleading face]'' With the face and the eyes and the... All right! But don't make me do anything embarrassing. ''[cut to Terk bursting out of the bushes in Jane's dress]'' I'm gonna kill him!
:'''Tantor''': ''[with his trunk disguised has Professor Porter]'' Actually, I thought that dress was rather slimming on you.
:'''Terk''': Oh, really? I thought it was a little revealing...
:''[they both hear Kerchak's roar and run]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': So sorry about the rude welcome, old boy, but I couldn't have you making a scene when we put your furry friends in their cages!
:'''Tarzan''': Why?
:'''Clayton''': Why? For £300 sterling a head. Actually, I have you to thank, old boy. Couldn't have done it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''
:'''Tantor''': That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like... like... like he was in trouble.
:'''Terk''': Yeah?! Well, why doesn't he get his new friends to help him?! I don't care!
:'''Tantor''': That's it! ''[grabs Terk's chest with his trunk before she walks off]''
:'''Terk''': GAWK!
:'''Tantor''': '''''I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION! TARZAN NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GONNA HELP HIM! YOU GOT THAT?!'''''
:'''Terk''': Uh-huh!
:'''Tantor''': Now, pipe down, and hang on tight! We've got a boat to catch. ''[Has sex with the boat]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tantor''': I've never felt so alive!
:'''Terk''': Good! 'Cause I'm gonna kill ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kerchak is on the verge of death]''
:'''Tarzan''': Kerchak, forgive me.
:'''Kerchak''': No. Forgive me, for not understanding... that you have always been one of us. Our family will look to you now.
:'''Tarzan''': No. Kerchak!
:'''Kerchak''': Take care of them... my son. Take care of them. ''[dies]''

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* It was definitely a challenge. (For instance), Tarzan moving through the branches. I'd animated this scene and it didn't feel like Tarzan doing it. If felt like a human, like me hanging on vines and branches. So I studied the gibbon and realized they never look at the branches when the grab them. They look past. They look where they're going. And then we changed Tarzan so instead of looking at the vines and branches, he just moved right on through confidently, and it felt like Tarzan again. The instinct of an animal had to be there.
:* [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]], [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;], Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

* We didn't ever want Tarzan to feel like he was just a man. We didn't want him to stand up straight or wave good-bye. We wanted to make sure he always had that piece of gorilla in him, that he always had an animal attitude about him.
:* Kevin Lima, [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;] Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Tony Goldwyn|Tony Goldwyn]] - Tarzan (voice)
*[[w:Minnie Driver|Minnie Driver]] - Jane Porter (voice)
*[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] - Kala (voice)
*[[Rosie O'Donnell]] - Terk (voice)
*[[w:Brian Blessed|Brian Blessed]] - John Clayton (voice)
*[[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - Kerchak (voice)
*[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Tantor (voice)
*[[w:Nigel Hawthorne|Nigel Hawthorne]] - Archimedes Q. Porter (voice)
*[[Alex D. Linz]] - Young Tarzan (voice)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Tarzan films]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films about apes]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]]</text>
      <sha1>9sjdl5vvugrwfn4h2he2kwgs91nii7n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153479</id>
      <parentid>3153466</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:34:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:TommyBoiAlex|TommyBoiAlex]] ([[User talk:TommyBoiAlex|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/TommyBoiAlex|contributions]]) to last version by Md. Golam Mukit Khan</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="7877" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]''''' is a 1999 American animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Feature Animation and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures Distribution on June 18, 1999.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Kerchak''': What happened?!
:'''Young Tarzan''': It was my fault, Kerchak.
:'''Kala''': Tarzan? 
:'''Young Tarzan''': We were playing and... well... I'm sorry, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': You almost killed someone!
:'''Young Tarzan''': But it was an accident...
:'''Kala''': He's only a child.
:'''Kerchak''': This is no excuse, Kala. You can't keep defending him.
:'''Kala''': He'll learn from it. 
:'''Kerchak''': He can't learn. He can't learn to be one of us. 
:'''Kala''': Because you never give him a chance!
:'''Kerchak''': Give him a chance?! Kala, look at him! He will never be one of us!
:'''Kala''': Kerchak, please! ''[to Tarzan, who escapes from her and Kerchak]'' Tarzan, come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:''[Tarzan gets ready to scare Kala behind her back]''
:'''Kala''': Don't even think about it.
:'''Tarzan''': How'd you know it was me?
:'''Kala''': I'm your mother. I know everything. Now, where have you been?
:'''Tarzan''': I thought you knew everything.
:''[Terk pounces on him]''
:'''Terk''': Hey, Auntie K! You look remarkably groomed today!
:'''Kala''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hello, Terk

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Tantor''': Y'know, I've been thinking lately that Tarzan might be some subspecies of elephant.
:'''Terk''': What are you, crazy? An elephant?!
:'''Tantor''': Listen to me. Think about it. He enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut.
:'''Terk''': He looks nothin' like ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Kerchak''': ''[to Tarzan, Kala, Terk, Tantor, Mungo, Flynt, and all of the other gorillas]'' Gather round, everyone. We will avoid the strangers. Do not let them see you, and do not seek them out.
:'''Tarzan''': They mean us no harm, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': Tarzan, I don't know that.
:'''Tarzan''': But, I do. I've spent time with them.
:'''Kerchak''': You may be willing to risk our safety, but I'm not.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[angry]'' Why are you being threatened by anyone different from you?!
:'''Kerchak''': Protect this family and stay away from them.
:'''Kaka''': ''[to Tarzan]'' Tarzan, for once, listen to Kerchak!
:'''Tarzan''': Why didn't you tell me there are creatures, who look like me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Clayton''': ''[clears his throat]'' Where are the gorillas? ''[Tarzan plays with his mustache]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitates Clayton]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Jane''': Shouting won't help, Mr. Clayton. He doesn't understand English.
:'''Clayton''': Then I'll make him understand. If I can teach a parrot to sing &quot;God save the Queen&quot;, I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two. ''[draws a crude gorilla on Jane's chalkboard and points to it with the chalk]'' Gorilla.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[takes the chalk and examines it]'' Gor-illa!
:'''Professor Porter''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! He's got it!
:'''Tarzan''': Gor-illa! ''[proceeds to scribble wildly on the chalkboard]'' Gorrrrr-illllla!
:'''Professor Porter''': Oh, perhaps not...
:'''Clayton''': ''[grabs chalk]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[Tarzan grabs the chalk back]''
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitating Clayton]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[they both bicker and fight over the chalk until Jane grabs it]''
:'''Jane''': Mr. Clayton, I think I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, all you have to do is get Kerchak out of the way.
:'''Terk''': What?!
:'''Tantor''': Well, I'd be happy to get Kerch--
:'''Terk''': ''[grabs Tantor's trunk to shut him up]'' Hey! Shut your trunk, and get me outta here! ''[Tantor does so]'' Can you believe that guy? Drops us like a newborn giraffe - kerplop! - now waltzes in here and expects us to just-- ''[Tarzan lands in front of her]''
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, I'm asking you as a friend.
:'''Terk''': ''[grimaces at Tarzan's  pleading face]'' With the face and the eyes and the... All right! But don't make me do anything embarrassing. ''[cut to Terk bursting out of the bushes in Jane's dress]'' I'm gonna kill him!
:'''Tantor''': ''[with his trunk disguised has Professor Porter]'' Actually, I thought that dress was rather slimming on you.
:'''Terk''': Oh, really? I thought it was a little revealing...
:''[they both hear Kerchak's roar and run]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': So sorry about the rude welcome, old boy, but I couldn't have you making a scene when we put your furry friends in their cages!
:'''Tarzan''': Why?
:'''Clayton''': Why? For £300 sterling a head. Actually, I have you to thank, old boy. Couldn't have done it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''
:'''Tantor''': That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like... like... like he was in trouble.
:'''Terk''': Yeah?! Well, why doesn't he get his new friends to help him?! I don't care!
:'''Tantor''': That's it! ''[grabs Terk's chest with his trunk before she walks off]''
:'''Terk''': GAWK!
:'''Tantor''': '''''I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION! TARZAN NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GONNA HELP HIM! YOU GOT THAT?!'''''
:'''Terk''': Uh-huh!
:'''Tantor''': Now, pipe down, and hang on tight! We've got a boat to catch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tantor''': I've never felt so alive!
:'''Terk''': Good! 'Cause I'm gonna kill ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kerchak is on the verge of death]''
:'''Tarzan''': Kerchak, forgive me.
:'''Kerchak''': No. Forgive me, for not understanding... that you have always been one of us. Our family will look to you now.
:'''Tarzan''': No. Kerchak!
:'''Kerchak''': Take care of them... my son. Take care of them. ''[dies]''

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* It was definitely a challenge. (For instance), Tarzan moving through the branches. I'd animated this scene and it didn't feel like Tarzan doing it. If felt like a human, like me hanging on vines and branches. So I studied the gibbon and realized they never look at the branches when the grab them. They look past. They look where they're going. And then we changed Tarzan so instead of looking at the vines and branches, he just moved right on through confidently, and it felt like Tarzan again. The instinct of an animal had to be there.
:* [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]], [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;], Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

* We didn't ever want Tarzan to feel like he was just a man. We didn't want him to stand up straight or wave good-bye. We wanted to make sure he always had that piece of gorilla in him, that he always had an animal attitude about him.
:* Kevin Lima, [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;] Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Tony Goldwyn|Tony Goldwyn]] - Tarzan (voice)
*[[w:Minnie Driver|Minnie Driver]] - Jane Porter (voice)
*[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] - Kala (voice)
*[[Rosie O'Donnell]] - Terk (voice)
*[[w:Brian Blessed|Brian Blessed]] - John Clayton (voice)
*[[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - Kerchak (voice)
*[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Tantor (voice)
*[[w:Nigel Hawthorne|Nigel Hawthorne]] - Archimedes Q. Porter (voice)
*[[Alex D. Linz]] - Young Tarzan (voice)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Tarzan films]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films about apes]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]]</text>
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      <id>3153482</id>
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== Merge ip edits to user account ==

I have been editing under the ip range of [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64]], I would like this to be merged to the user account [[User:ilovemydoodle|ilovemydoodle]], Is this possible and if so, can it be done? &lt;small&gt;—The preceding [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment was added by [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33:92c:4b4e:97c1:f71e|2603:7080:da3c:7a33:92c:4b4e:97c1:f71e]] ([[User talk:2603:7080:da3c:7a33:92c:4b4e:97c1:f71e|talk]]) 08:33, 5 May 2022&lt;/small&gt;&lt;!-- Template:UnsignedIP --&gt;

== Finish a deletion nomination ==

Hello, please could someone add [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting]] to the log page for me? I can't do it as an IP because the page has been protected. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:21, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:26, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Thanks a bunch, much appreciated.
::If you get a minute could you also add:
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:This]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Vote removed]]
::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Strikethrough templates]]
::to the same page? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:40, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} as well. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Could you please also list these four discussions?:
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Always substitute]]
::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T]]
::::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:12, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Could you please add these discussions too?
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz]]
::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting]]
::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:13, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{Done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch, if that's OK:
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]]
::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P]] 
::::::::Thanks! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:17, 24 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Thanks a bunch, and thanks for adding some of the discussions I just started.
::::::::::In this edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Votes_for_deletion&amp;diff=3146967&amp;oldid=3146966] you seem to have accidentally deleted [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] while doing some cleanup, please could you re-add it to the list?
::::::::::Also a few more nominations:
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-afd5]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice]]
::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Closed and Template:Reopen]]
::::::::::Thanks again! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:02, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Forgot to ping again. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{done}} (and fixed the one I inadvertently deleted). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] A few more if you don't mind:
::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:Subst]]
::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:Hash]]
::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote-line]]
::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-speedydeletion]]
::::::::::::Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:40, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:09, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Another batch:
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Hang on/notice2]]
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected sockpuppets]]
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]]
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping all administrators]]
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Election results]]
::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com person]]
::::::::::::::Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:01, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::: {{done}} [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 23:50, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Yet another batch:
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Film-cleanup/doc]]
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Ambox duplicates]]
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SectionID]]
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:Shortcut/w]]
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Cut]]
::::::::::::::::* [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Pp-template (second nomination)]]
::::::::::::::::Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:54, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:40, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I have another batch of nominations, please could you add them to the list?
::::::::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:GetSectionName]]
::::::::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:GetSection]]
::::::::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Edit section]]
::::::::::::::::::*[[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Module:Message box/old]]
::::::::::::::::::Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 15:05, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:25, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== [[User: Eaglestorm]] again ==

This user with a history of being disruptive (just see their [[User talk:Eaglestorm]]) and a permanent block from English WP was recently globally unblocked on a technicality and is back to their [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm typical antics] of ruthlessly “enforcing” the non-policy, unofficial guideline of [[WQ:LOQ]] via edit warring and being hostile and stubborn when asked to negotiate a solution. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:29, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:here we go. did you even read the stewards report? I'm up to &quot;typical antics&quot; ... YOU'RE PLAIN OBSESSED with taking me down. What nonpolicy are you talking about? The one that's been effective with copyvio for the last 14 years?  --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 03:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Yes, you still are being a net negative here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::Do you not understand what '''''proposed''''' means here?! [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 03:38, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:Do you have diffs of edit-warring? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:01, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Dronebogus}} It looks a bit like you saw ES editing, and went around revering their edits across articles, including apparently on a least some article you'd never edited before, meaning you weren't following your watchlist, you were following ES. I guess we can add repeatedly reverting ES on their own talk page.
: So that's not all exactly a pristine position from which to argue about someone else's disruptiveness. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:26, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
::I know that, but ES is enforcing a proposed policy in a disruptive manner and is refusing to negotiate even when asked to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:15, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Well, one part inherent in LOQ certainly is policy: that excessively lengthy passages run afoul of copyright. But if you're gonna pick a hill to die on, I'm not sure the right one is ensuring that the article on GAT V includes riveting lines such as &quot;'''Jimmy De Santa''': Go away. '''Michael De Santa''': What?&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
:::And he's at it with the obsession edit as evidenced in Goldeneye - another article he's never ever edited on and would probably ignore if not for my work. Pathetic! You're a stalker who woke up on the wrong side of his bed and all of a sudden decided to wheelback one person's work in the name of skirting past copyright, plain and simple. And it's funny that one editor you complained to about me - who has a raft of copyright cleanups to his record - is even in on the act, adding more articles past LOQ. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 02:22, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Clean-up help needed ==

Hello again, sorry for all the messages.

I need a bit of help cleaning up a bit of a mess I just found via [[Special:WantedCategories]] while cleaning up some template documentation.

It seems that about a month ago Ilovemydoodle tried to rename some categories, which they did by just moving the category page, without updating the actual category links in articles. The moved categories were therefore deleted as empty categories, and the redirects left over from the move (which is where all the actual pages are) were deleted as redirects to a deleted page.

For each of these pages either the category page either needs to be undeleted and moved back to the title where the articles are, or the category page needs to be undeleted and the articles moved to the new category.

List of Category pages and the articles supposed to be in them:
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Pakistan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Pakistanis]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Bahrain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Bahraini]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Burundi]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Burundians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Russia]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Russians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Rwanda]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Rwandans]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Senegal]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Senegalese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from the Solomon Islands]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Solomon Islanders]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Spain]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Spaniards]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Swaziland]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Swazi]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Türkiye]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Turkish people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Tanzania]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tanzanians]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Thailand]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Thai people]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Togo]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Togolese]]
* Category page deleted at [[:Category:People from Taiwan]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Taiwanese people]]
* Category page deleted at [[: Category:People from Tuvalu]], articles supposed to be in it at [[:Category:Tuvaluan]]

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:40, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:35, 27 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:40, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You can't just move categories like that. The cat page is just a dumbly compiled automatic list. The thing that actually puts the page in the category is on each article individually. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:48, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Speedy deletion backlog ==

Hello,

[[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]] is quite badly backlogged, there are pages in it that have been tagged for &quot;speedy&quot; deletion since the start of June. Would someone be able to take a look?

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:43, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:04, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I've just spotted that [[Module:Message box/m]] was tagged for speedy deletion, but because templates don't work in module space it wasn't sorted into the category. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:06, 30 July 2022 (UTC)

== Phab ticket ==

Would someone with a phabricator account be willing to look at [[Phab:T313189]]? It's requesting changes to this site's configuration that I do not think have consensus on the basis that everyone who opposed the proposal should have their &quot;votes&quot; removed for being &quot;invalid&quot;. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:11, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:Meh. Neglected phab tickets tend to just quietly die. The community there has a good head on their shoulders, and are not likely to put significant work into something that doesn't have strong consensus, and where there is a preference, but not a pressing need. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:01, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== Requesting an edit to a protected page. ==

Hello, I've made a few edits to the version of [[Template:Unreferenced]] copied from wikipedia, the new code is at [[Template:Unreferenced/sandbox]], please could someone copy the code from the sandbox page into the main template. The changes I have made:
* I've swapped the text of the template back to the original version.
* I've replaced the links to wikipedia policy and help pages with links to wikiquote ones.
* I've returned the template to it's original categorisation system, rather than the wikipedia one, and have re-added the &lt;code&gt;|categories=no&lt;/code&gt; functionality.
* I've added a template doccumentation page (which doesn't display correctly in the sandbox, but should on the main template).
If anyone disagrees with those changes or wants something else changed, just let me know.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:38, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
: {{done}} [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 16:47, 30 July 2022 (UTC)

Also, unrelated, but could someone remove the last two transclusions of {{tl|Tv.com show}} from [[The Sopranos]] and [[Barney &amp; Friends]]. It was deleted at [[WQ:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com show]]. I just removed the other 186 uses of this, but these two pages are protected. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:51, 30 July 2022 (UTC)

:Done, cheers. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 13:55, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Rubbish computer|Rubbish computer]] Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:04, 30 July 2022 (UTC)

== Block needed for 180.249.164.176 ==

{{user|180.249.164.176}} is being disruptive in pages related to abortion. Some edit summaries may require revdel. [[User:FlyingAce|FlyingAce]] ([[User talk:FlyingAce|talk]]) 05:30, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
: {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:34, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== Move a page ==

Hello, could someone please move [[John kiarie]] to either [[John Kiarie Waweru]] or [[John Kiarie]] to fix the capitalisation? Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:25, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:28, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit request ==

Can someone remove the charinsert stuff from [[MediaWiki:Copyrightwarning]]? While unused by native editing tools, [[MediaWiki:Copyrightwarning]] can still be used by scripts, especially if they weren't specifically written for Wikimedia projects. &lt;span id=&quot;Alexis_Jazz:1659594610893:WikiquoteBWLCLNAdministrators&amp;apos;_noticeboard&quot; class=&quot;BawlCmt&quot;&gt;[[User:Alexis Jazz|Alexis Jazz]] ([[User talk:Alexis Jazz|talk]]) 06:30, 4 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/span&gt;

:{{re|Alexis Jazz}} {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:58, 5 August 2022 (UTC)

== History merge needed ==

Hello,

Please could someone history merge [[Khalil Gibran]] and [[Kahlil Gibran]]? The page was cut and paste moved a few years back, so the page history is now in a redirect. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 22:49, 4 August 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:31, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] They don't seem to have been history merged? The page history prior to 2020 is here [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Khalil_Gibran&amp;action=history], and the page histoyr from the last two years is here [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kahlil_Gibran&amp;action=history]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:58, 6 August 2022 (UTC)

== LTA ==

Please semi-protect [[:Category:Philippines]] (long term abuse, see page history) and block the current IP {{vandal|112.204.175.238}} --[[User:Johannnes89|Johannnes89]] ([[User talk:Johannnes89|talk]]) 12:54, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:07, 5 August 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move a module. ==

Hello, please could someone move [[Module:Section link/w]] to [[Module:Section link]] without leaving a redirect? I can't think of any logical reason why this module copied from another project needs to be at a weird subpage title. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:00, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
: {{done}} (and all moves of modules don't leave redirects) [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 15:06, 6 August 2022 (UTC)

== Quotations removed without discussion ==

Management is encouraged to consider that in April/May of this year, &quot;HouseOfChange&quot;  quickly removed hundreds of properly sourced quotations from notable people, which he did not approve of. It seems that HouseofChange has ignored the advice of BD2412 given on 26 April (text below) where he  advised him to move the removed quotes to the discussion pages for the good of this project.  


Here are some of the pages where the censored quotes have not yet been placed on the discussion pages, along with the approx. # of censored bytes:

Allegation; removed ~2847 bytes, 

Brainwashing ~17,000+ bytes, 

Cover-up - ~18,000 bytes, 

Corruption - ~16,884 bytes,

Decadence-  ~25,000 bytes,

Deception - ~5,000 bytes,

Hegemony ~6,000,

International Monetary Fund - ~35,000 bytes,

Mafia state ~27,000+ bytes,

Misinformation - ~9,000 bytes,  

Nuclear weapons  - ~19,000+ bytes,

Ukraine -40,000 bytes,

Reality-  ~27,000 bbytes,  

(please note, this is not a complete list - these were noted during a brief search)


referencing:  [[User_talk:HouseOfChange#Just_a_thought]]


BD2412 [to houseofchange]:... you are being quite aggressive in removing quotes that could arguably be included somewhere. I would suggest that rather than merely deleting them, you should move them to the respective talk pages of the pages you are working on (unless they are clearly by speakers with no plausible claim to notability). Some of them, readers might decide to keep, perhaps trimmed to a degree. Some of them might fit well into other pages. BD2412 T 07:14, 26 April 2022 (UTC)[reply]


HouseOfChange&quot; [reply]  That is a great idea! Thanks @BD2412: for the suggestion! It will preserve the material for other editors to give an opinion while making the article itself more readable/useful to readers... HouseOfChange (talk) 01:11, 27 April 2022 (UTC)

The actions of HouseOfChange  suggest that he may be not at all interested in helping educate the public with illuminating &amp; thought provoking quotations from notable people,  but working to intentionally dumb the people down by censoring what some would view as &quot;inconvenient truths&quot;.  Some would say that while he was boldly claiming to be battling POV pushing, he himself was POV pushing on a grand scale.    We encourage WQ's honorable   bureaucrats to encourage HouseofChange to follow the advice of BD2412 and that he (and one or two admins who egged him on) to be watched very carefully.  Obviously, there are many these days who tend to say one thing while doing something else, the air in the west seems to be  more full of lies than ever before. Thank you. [[Special:Contributions/47.36.43.90|47.36.43.90]] 00:13, 8 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Detective Conan</title>
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      <text bytes="6387" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Case Closed|Detective Conan]]''' (名探偵 コナン, Meitantei Konan), also known as Case Closed, is an ongoing Japanese detective manga series created by [[w:Gosho Aoyama|Gosho Aoyama]]. It is currently serialized in Weekly Shōnen Sunday. The story follows the adventures of [[w:Jimmy Kudo|Jimmy Kudo]], a prodigious young detective who was inadvertently transformed into a child due to a poison. It has spawned an anime series, a live drama, eleven original video animations, thirteen animated feature films and numerous video games. 


==Manga==
===File 1: A Modern-Day Sherlock Holmes===
:'''[[w:Rachel Moore|Rachel Moore]]''': Why do I have this feeling...? This feeling like I would never see Jimmy again... A very bad feeling...

===File 2: The Great Detective Turned Small===
:'''[[w:Rachel Moore|Rachel Moore]]''': Oh, Conan?
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]]''': ''[Momentarily confused]'' Eh? Ah? Yeah... What is it, Rachel? ''[To himself]'' I'm not used to this name...
:'''Rachel''': Are there any girls you like?
:'''Conan''': Eh?
:'''Rachel''': You know! Anyone you're interested in, like at school...?
:'''Conan''': Um, no, nope... ''[To himself]'' Hey, hey... What is this girl asking all of a sudden?
:'''Rachel''': I do!! There's a guy I ''really'' like...
:'''Conan''': Oh... ''[Cheekily]'' Could it be... that Jimmy guy you were looking for earlier?
:'''Rachel''': (pause) That's right!
:'''Conan''': ''[Surprised]'' Eh?
:'''Rachel''': Ever since he was little, he was a jerk, always full of himself, always a mystery geek... But whenever you need him, he's dependable, and brave, and cool... I really... I really like Jimmy! 
:'''Rachel''': But don't tell him that, okay?
:'''Conan''': ''[Blushing]'' O-Okay...

===File 16: A Devil-like Woman===
:'''[[w:Akemi Miyano|Akemi Miyano]]''': ''[Last words]'' Will you listen... to the last thing I have to say...? I left the cases with the money at the desk of the hotel... and... I want you to find it before they do... I don't want them to use it... I-I'm sorry... I beg of you... little detec... tive...

===File 19: The Underground Room's Nightmare===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]]''': If you stay hidden like this, you'll be able to get away from the police, however, you will never escape your crime... Madam, are you trying... Are you trying to force your son to carry this burden for the rest of his life?

===File 51: The Truth Under The Mask===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]]''': This is my case! I'm going to solve it!! Don't get involved!

===File 95: The Great Detective Of The East Appears!===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Jimmy Kudo]]''': Idiot... There's no win or lose in this, no higher or lower... There is always... only one truth...

===File 153: Bonds of Flame===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]]''': A detective who corners someone with logic, but lets them commit suicide... is no different from a murderer.
:'''[[w:Harley Hartwell|Harley Hartwell]]''': To hear the perfect one say such a line... is a pain to my ears...
:'''Conan''': There's no such thing as a perfect person. Even I am just one person...

===File 181: Why===
:'''[[w:Shiho Miyano|Ai Haibara]]''': If... If you have such good deductive skills... you should have been able to see through my sister's disguise easily... But... but... WHY...!!!

===File 191: Creator enlightened===
:'''[[w:Ai Haibara|Ai Haibara]]''': Creation reflects the inner state of the creator.

===File 208: The Sakurada Gate===
:'''[[w:Miwako Sato|Miwako Sato]]''': 'Justice' isn't a word you can use on any occasion... It's something we must keep secretly in our hearts.

===File 242: The White World===
:'''[[w:List of Case Closed characters#Gin|Gin]]''': Isn't it pretty... White snow floating in the dark night... Letting blood colour it all a crimson red...

===File 260: The Memorable Place===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]]''': Ra... Rachel. Jimmy said...
:'''[[w:Rachel Moore|Rachel Moore]]''': Don't. I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear... any excuses.
:'''Conan''': He'll come back one day. Even if he's going to die, he's going to come back. He wanted me to tell you to wait for him, no matter what. So... so...

===File 313: A Courageous Decision===
:'''[[w:Rachel Moore|Rachel Moore]]''': Courage is a word of justice. It means a quality of mind that enables one to face apprehension... with confidence and resolution. To use it as an excuse to kill is not right...

===File 343: Who Are You?===
:'''[[w:Harley Hartwell|Harley Hartwell]]''': ''[In English]'' I wasn't ''pretending'' not to be able to speak English... Did silence work better than your funnily disguised Japanese?

===File 350: Golden Apple 1===
:'''Sharon Vineyard''': That's right... No angel has smiled upon me... Not even once...

===File 354: Golden Apple 5===
:'''[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Jimmy Kudo]]''': Is a reason necessary? I wouldn't know the motives for a person killing a person but... as far as helping a person is concerned, why should there be a rational mind?

===File 373: Bye-bye...===
:'''[[w:List of Case Closed characters#Wataru Takagi|Wataru Takagi]]''': You must not forget if that's an important memory to you... especially since when a person dies, he can only live in the memories of others...

===File 433: The Truth Behind the Mask===
:'''[[w:List of Case Closed characters#Jodie Starling|Jodie Starling]]''': Who are you?
:'''[[w:List of Case Closed characters#Vermouth|Vermouth]]''': It's a big secret... I can't tell you... A secret makes a woman woman...

===File 437: Ai Haibara's Resolution===
:'''[[w:Ai Haibara|Ai Haibara]]''': Although I understand your desire to recognise the criminal, you still have to be patient... Being patient is also a performance of bravery...
:'''[[w:Amy Yoshida|Amy Yoshida]]''': B... But I... don't want to run!! If I keep running, I won't win!! I definitely won't!!

==Episode 526==
[[w:Jimmy Kudo|Conan Edogawa]] (in [[w:List of Case Closed characters#Richard Moore|Kogoro]]'s voice): What value does your will have? 
I asked what price it carries. If money is enough, is your will for sale? A will that can be bought with money... What's the meaning of that? If your will can be bought with money, then it will vanish along with that money.

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category: Anime and manga series]]
[[Category: Manga]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Taras Shevchenko</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>116953</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153218</id>
      <parentid>2323938</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:54:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Khalepa</username>
        <id>3129179</id>
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      <minor />
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      <text bytes="1532" xml:space="preserve">[[Image:Taras Shevchenko selfportrait oil 1840.jpg|thumb|right|Self-portrait of Taras Shevchenko, 1840]]
'''[[wikipedia:Taras Shevchenko|Taras Shevchenko]]''' (March 9 [O.S. February 25] 1814 – March 10 [O.S. February 26] 1861) was a [[w:Ukrainians|Ukrainian]] poet, painter, writer, portraitist, and playwright.

{{artist-stub}}
== Quotes ==
*When I am dead, bury me
:In my beloved Ukraine,
:My tomb upon a grave mound high
:Amid the spreading plain,
:So that the fields, the boundless steppes,
:The Dnieper's plunging shore
:My eyes could see, my ears could hear
:The mighty river roar.

:When from Ukraine the Dnieper bears
:Into the deep blue sea
:The blood of foes ... then will I leave
:These hills and fertile fields --
:I'll leave them all and fly away
:To the abode of God,
:And then I'll pray .... But until that day
:I know nothing of God.

:Oh bury me, then rise ye up
:And break your heavy chains
:And water with the tyrants' blood
:The freedom you have gained.
:And in the great new family,
:The family of the free,
:With softly spoken, kindly word
:Remember also me.
:* Taras Shevchenko ''Zapovit'', 1845 (Shevchenko's &quot;Testament&quot;), Translated by John Weir, Toronto, 1961; Online at {{cite web|title=Testament. Taras Shevchenko's poems in English|url=http://www.dinternal.com.ua/topics/zapovit-taras-shevchenko-in-english/|publisher=dinternal.com.ua|accessdate=4 June 2015}} 

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Shevchenko, Taras}}
[[Category:Poets]]
[[Category:Playwrights]]
[[Category:1861 deaths]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Scott Pilgrim vs. the World</title>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="47317" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Scott Pilgrim vs. the World|Scott Pilgrim vs. the World]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010 film]] about [[Scott Pilgrim]], who must defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil exes in order to win her heart.
:''Directed by [[w:Edgar Wright|Edgar Wright]]. Written by [[w:Edgar Wright|Edgar Wright]] and [[w:Michael Bacall|Michael Bacall]], based on the [[w:Scott Pilgrim|graphic novels]] by [[w:Bryan Lee O'Malley|Bryan Lee O'Malley]].''
{{center|'''An epic of epic epicness.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Scott Pilgrim ==
* '''We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!'''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Stephen:''' ''[about Knives Chau]'' She seems nice.
:'''Scott:''' ''[happily]'' Yeah.
:'''Young Neil:''' Yeah, she seems awesome.
:'''Scott:''' ''[happily]'' Yeah.
:''[Stephen whistles]''
:'''Kim:''' Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.
:'''Scott:''' ''[oblivious]'' Yeah. ''[confused]'' Wait, what?
:'''Kim:''' I mean, are you really happy, or are you really evil?
:'''Scott:''' Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I'm offended, Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Wounded, even?
:'''Scott:''' Hurt, Kim.
:'''Kim:''' ''[in disbelief]'' You? Hurt?
:'''Scott:''' ''[changing the subject]'' Neil, you were saying about &quot;she seems awesome&quot;?
:'''Young Neil:''' Yeah, she seems awesome.
:'''Scott:''' Yeah.
:''[Stephen whistles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Waiting outside Knives' school.]''
:'''Wallace:''' I do not want to be here at all.
:'''Scott:''' This school has boys, too.
:'''Wallace:''' Hate you. Even ''I'' would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.
:'''Scott:''' Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like--
:'''Wallace:''' Playtime?
:'''Scott:''' That doesn't sound so good, either.
:'''Wallace:''' No.
:'''Knives:''' Scott! ''[runs up to Scott and Wallace]''
:'''Scott:''' Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.
:'''Knives:''' Hi.
:'''Scott:''' He's gay.
:'''Knives:''' Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?
:'''Wallace:''' Yes. Does he wear glasses?
:'''Scott:''' Wallace, you go now. Begone.
:'''Wallace:''' ''[seizing Knives by the hands, intensely]'' You're too good for him. Run. ''[walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott:''' Wallace! ''[Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night]'' Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?
:'''Wallace:''' ''[nonchalantly]'' &quot;Amazon.ca&quot;.
:'''Scott:''' I have to order something really cool.
:'''Computer:''' ''You've got mail.''
:'''Scott:''' Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
:'''Wallace:''' ''[sarcastically]'' It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
:'''Scott:''' Dude, now I'm reading it.
:'''Wallace:''' ''[sarcastically]'' So happy for you.
:'''Scott:''' ''[reading]'' Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b-- Fair warning; Mano y mano, Seven evil-- Blah, blah. This is-- ''[alarmed]'' This is-- ''This is--''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[yanks off sweater]'' ''What??''
:'''Scott:''' This is ''boring.'' ''Dele-ete.'' ''[deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[incredulous]'' Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
:'''Scott:''' Maybe.
:'''Wallace:''' It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
:''[doorbell rings]''
:'''Scott:''' ''[jumps up]'' You were saying?
:''[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]''
:'''Knives:''' ''Attack hug!!''
:'''Scott:''' Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.
:'''Knives:''' You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.
:'''Scott:''' ''[flatly smiling]'' How could I possibly forget? ''[Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ramona delivers Scott's package, and Scott opens the door, the same time Ramona rings the doorbell.]''
:'''Ramona:''' Uh, Scott Pilgrim?
:'''Scott:''' Hi, I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be. So, do you want to go out sometime?
:'''Ramona:''' Um, no. That's okay. You just need to sign for this, alright?
:'''Scott:''' I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?
:'''Ramona:''' It's not weird at all.
:'''Scott:''' It's not?
:'''Ramona:''' No, it's just that you have this really convenient [[w:Hyperspace (science fiction)|subspace]] highway running through your head that I like to use. It's, like, 3 miles in 15 seconds.
:'''Scott:''' Right, right.
:'''Ramona:''' I forgot you guys don't have that in [[w:Canada|Canada]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wallace and Jimmy are about to watch a gig from Crash and the Boys]''
:'''Wallace:''' Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[hesitantly]'' They have not started playing yet.
:'''Wells:''' That was a test, Jimmy.
:'''Crash:''' ''[offscreen]'' ''One, two.''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[pats Jimmy's arm]'' You passed.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[uncomfortably]'' Okay.
:'''Crash:''' ''Good evening. My name is Crash, these are the Boys.''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[heckling.]'' Is that '''girl''' a Boy, too?
:'''Crash:''' ''[offended]'' '''''Yes.''''' ''[Trasha gives Wallace the finger; audience titters.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[offstage, incensed]'' They have a '''''girl''''' drummer?
:'''Crash:''' ''This song is called'', &quot;I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad&quot;. ''Goes a little something like this.'' ''[Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords]'' '''''♪ SOOOOOO SAD!!!... ♪''''' ''[Song ends]'' ''Thank you.''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[heckling]'' ''Not a race, guys!''
:''[audience stares at Wallace, annoyed with the heckling]''
:'''Crash:''' ''All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony.'' ''[Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly]'' ''It's called'' &quot;We Hate You, Please Die.&quot;
:'''Wallace:''' Sweet! ''[to Jimmy]'' Love this one.
:''[Crash and the Boys play &quot;We Hate You, Please Die.&quot;]''
:'''Stephen:''' ''[barely audible with subtitles]'' How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win. We're not going to sign with G-Man. We'll never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre. Goddamn, Scott! Will you please stop just standing there?! You're freaking me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matthew:''' ''Mr. Pilgrim!'' ''[lands on the stage]'' It is ''I...'' Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... '''''begun!''''' ''[leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]''
:'''Scott:''' ''[voice slowed down]'' ''What did I do?'' '''''What do I do?'''''
:'''Wallace:''' ''[voice slowed down]'' '''''FIGHT!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While fighting]''
:'''Scott:''' Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
:'''Matthew:''' Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
:'''Scott:''' I skimmed it.
:'''Wallace:''' Tsk. ''[shakes his head]'' Mmm-mmm.
:'''Matthew:''' You will pay '''''for your insolence!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wallace:''' ''[to Scott]'' Hey! What's up with his outfit?
:'''Guy:''' Yeah. Is he a pirate?
:''[audience titters]''
:'''Scott:''' ''[to Matthew]'' Are you a pirate?
:'''Matthew:''' ''[defensive]'' Pirates are in this year.
:''[Scott and Matthew fight some more, and Scott seizes him by the arms.]''
:'''Scott:''' ''[to Ramona]'' You really went out with this guy?
:''[spotlight shines on Ramona]''
:'''Ramona:''' Yeah. In the 7th grade.
:'''Scott:''' And?
:'''Ramona:''' ''[sighs]'' It was football season, and for some reason, ''all'' the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.
:'''Scott:''' Dude, wait. Mystical powers?
:'''Matthew:''' ''[pushes Scott back; to Ramona]'' You'll pay for this...Flowers. ''[singing]'' ''♪ If you want to fight me ♪''
:'''Stacy:''' ''[confused and flatly]'' ''What?''
:'''Matthew:''' Ha! ''♪ You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ♪'' ''[vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]''
:'''Stephen:''' ''[stunned]'' This guy's good.
:'''Matthew:''' ''♪ Me and my fireballs. ♪ [hisses] ♪ My Demon Hipster Chicks. ♪''
:'''Demon Hipster Chicks:''' Tell 'em, Matty.
:'''Matthew:''' ''♪ I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ♪ [winks]''
:'''Demon Hipster Chicks:''' S-L-ick.
:'''Matthew:''' ''♪ Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ♪''
:'''Scott:''' ''[angrily]'' That doesn't even rhyme! ''[throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]''
:'''Matthew:''' ''[thinking]'' This is impossible. How can this be?
:'''Scott:''' ''[also thinking]'' Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see. ''[flies toward Matthew [[w:Video game|video-game]]-style and punches his face]''
:'''Announcer:''' '''K.O.!'''
:''[Matthew turns into coins, thus earning Scott 1,000 points.]''
:'''Scott:''' ''[happily]'' Sweet! Coins. ''[he picks up the coins]''
:'''Man:''' God, did that just happen?
:'''Another Man:''' That just happened.
:'''Ramona:''' Well...it was nice meeting you. Tell your...gay friends I said bye.
:'''Stacy:''' ''[confused]'' &quot;Gay friends&quot;? ''[shocked and angry]'' Wallace! Again?!
:''[Wallace and Jimmy kiss, and a heart is written over them]''
:'''Woman:''' Get a room, guys!
:'''Man:''' Oh, my God!
:'''Scott:''' Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.
:'''Ramona:''' I'll lend you the 35¢.
:'''Sound Guy:''' Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.
:'''Knives:''' ''[recovering]'' Sex Bob-Omb won? ''[starts whooping, but stops and doesn't see Scott; saddened]'' Oh.
:''[later on the bus]''
:'''Scott:''' So...what was all that all about?
:'''Ramona:''' Um...I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
:'''Scott:''' You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
:'''Ramona:''' Seven evil exes, yes.
:'''Scott:''' And I have to fight--
:'''Ramona:''' ''Defeat.''
:'''Scott:''' ''Defeat'' your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
:'''Ramona:''' Pretty much.
:'''Scott:''' So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?
:'''Ramona:''' Uh, I guess.
:'''Scott:''' Does that mean we can make out?
:'''Ramona:''' ''[smiles]'' Sure.
:'''Scott:''' Cool.
:'''Studio Audience:''' Aw!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kim''': Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?
:'''Scott''': No, we broke up. Hey, check it out. I learned the bass line from ''[[w:Final Fantasy II|Final Fantasy II]].'' ''[strums &quot;Final Fantasy II&quot; bass line.]''
:'''Kim''': Scott, you are the salt of the Earth.
:'''Scott''': ''[obliviously]'' Oh, thanks.
:'''Kim''': I meant, ''&quot;Scum'' of the Earth.&quot;
:'''Scott''': ''[obliviously]'' Thanks.
:'''Young Neil''': You broke up with Knives?
:'''Scott''': Yeah. But don't worry. Maybe soon, you'll meet my new-new girlfriend.
:'''Young Neil''': &quot;New-new&quot;?
:''[Kim mimics shooting herself through the head while imitating a gunshot, and collapses on her drum kit.]''
:'''Stephen''': Okay. From here on out, no girlfriends or girlfriend talk at practice, whether they're old, new, or new-new.
:'''Young Neil''': ''[at the same time as Stephen]'' New-new.
:'''Stephen''': We were lucky to survive the last round. It's sudden death now, okay?
:'''Scott''': Okay. ''[he and Sex Bob-Omb play &quot;Summertime,&quot; but a doorbell ringing interrupts him]'' ''[excited]'' That's for me! That's for me, that's for me. ''[opens door from Ramona]'' Hey, you're here. ''[notices Ramona's hair is blue.]''
:'''Ramona''': Yes, like you said. ''[Ramona enters and Scott closes the door.]''
:'''Scott''': You know your hair?
:'''Ramona''': I know of it.
:'''Scott''': It's all blue.
:'''Ramona''': I change my hair every week-and-a-half, dude. Get used to it. ''[Scott stares at Ramona's hair]'' So...how do you guys all know each other?
:'''Young Neil''': Um, high school, I guess.
:'''Stephen''': What Neil said.
:'''Young Neil''': ''[introducing himself]'' I'm Neil.
:'''Kim''': ''[to Ramona, smiling]'' Believe it or not, I actually ''dated'' Scott in high school.
:'''Ramona''': Oh, got any embarrassing stories?
:'''Kim''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. ''[smile disappears]'' He's an idiot.
:'''Scott''': ''[puts on hat]'' Okay, bye. See you guys tomorrow.
:'''Stephen''': What about rehearsal?
:'''Scott''': Neil knows my parts. ''[he and Ramona leave]''
:'''Young Neil''': I'm Neil. ''[Kim and Stephen stare at him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': Prepare-- ''[rips off part of set]'' Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
:'''Scott''': The League of Evil Exes?
:'''Lucas''': You really don't know about the League? 
:'''Scott''': Um...
:'''Lucas''': The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
:'''Scott''': No.
:'''Lucas''': Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.
:'''Scott''': ''[stunned]'' Really?
:'''Lucas''': Yeah. ''[reaches to help him up]'' Let's go get a beer.
:'''Scott''': That's great.
:''[Lucas punches him in the face]''
:'''Lucas''': '''''BOOM!''''' ''[laughs]'' '''''OOH!'''''
:'''Scott''': You '''''are''''' a pretty good actor.
:'''Lucas''': I'm going for the Oscar this year.
:'''Scott''': But are you a pretty good skater?
:'''Lucas''': I'm more than pretty good, ''Esé.'' ''[pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest]'' I have my own skate company.
:'''Scott''': But can you do a thingy...on that rail? ''[indicates railing on a set of steps]''
:'''Lucas''': It's called a ''grind,'' bro.
:'''Scott''': So, can you do a grindy thingy now?
:'''Lucas''': Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.
:'''Scott''': ''[innocent]'' Well, hey, if it's too hardcore, then--
:'''Lucas''': ''[glaring]'' You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
:'''Scott''': ''[deadpan]'' There are girls watching.
:'''Lucas''': ''[looks at his fans, and back at Scott; beat]'' Somebody get me my board.
:'''Wallace''': ''[pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder]'' Hi. Big fan. ''[passes him his skateboard]''
:'''Lucas Lee''': ''[cracks neck; his last words]'' Why ''wouldn't'' you be? ''[starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed, by kilometers]''
:'''Scott''': ''[watching]'' Wow. ''[Lucas' speed increases rapidly]'' ''Wow.'' ''[Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight]'' '''''Wow.''''' ''[going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps, stops at 309 kilometers, and explodes into coins]''
:'''Wallace''': Wow.
:'''Scott''': '''''Yes!'''''
:'''Wallace''': He totally bailed.
:''[Scott earns 2,000 points]''
:'''Scott''': ''[realizing.]'' '''''Ah!''''' I didn't get his autograph.
:'''Wallace''': No.
:'''Director''': And that's a wrap, everybody.
:''[bell rings]''
:'''Scott''': ''[doesn't see Ramona]'' Hey, where's Ramona? Is she still here?
:'''Wallace''': ''[he also doesn't see Ramona]'' No, she totally bailed.
:'''Scott''': What's the deal? Seriously.
:'''Director''': Okay, let's get everybody out of here. Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knives''': ''[buying blue hair dye from a drugstore while explaining her situation to Tamara Chen]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!''''' He's dating a fatass hipster chick! I ''hate'' her stupid guts! He only likes her because she's old! She's probably, like, 25! Oh, she's just some fatass white girl, you know?!
:'''Tamara Chen''': I think you mentioned she was fat.
:'''Knives''': ''[preparing to dye her hair]'' She's got a head start. I mean, I didn't know there was good music until, like, two months ago! Hey, this really burns.
:'''Tamara Chen''': You should rinse.
:'''Knives''': ''[rinsing her hair]'' When I got this idea, I just thought, '''''&quot;I have to do it!&quot;'''''
:'''Tamara Chen''': I can't hear ''anything'' you're saying.
:'''Knives''': ''[looking at her hair in the mirror]'' Oh, God! I look so...good. Ramona Flowers stole my Scott, but I know how to get him ''back.''
:'''Tamara Chen''': How?
:''[Knives texts to Young Neil saying, &quot;YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]''
:'''Todd Ingram''': ''[to Ramona]'' Hey, Ramona.
:'''Ramona''': Hey, Todd.
:'''Todd''': It's been a while.
:'''Ramona''': Mmm-hmm.
:'''Todd''': Mmm-hmm?
:'''Ramona''': ''[to Scott]'' I think we should get out of here.
:'''Julie''': So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.
:'''Envy''': Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.
:'''Knives''': Um, Envy... ''[everyone glares at her]'' I read your blog.
:'''Envy''': So, Scott and Ramona, eh?
:'''Ramona''': What of it?
:'''Envy''': You guys make a cute couple you know. ''[Todd scoffs]'' Suit each other.
:'''Knives''': ''[pleasurably]'' You're my role model, Envy.
:'''Envy''': Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?
:'''Julie''': ''[interrupts]'' Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?
:'''Envy''': ''[stops Julie, not wanting to explode]'' I'm talking to Ramona right now.
:'''Julie''': Ramona lived in New York.
:'''Envy''': Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right?
:'''Knives''':  ''[gasps in horror and everyone looks at her; to Envy]'' I've kissed lips that kissed you!
:''[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]''
:'''Scott''': ''[stands up, horrified]'' '''''Knives!'''''
:'''Todd''': ''[nonchalant]'' What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.
:'''Young Neil''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, my God. ''[glares at Todd, angrily]'' You punched the highlights out of her hair. ''[to Scott; worried]'' ''He punched the highlights out of her hair!''
:'''Envy''': You are incorrigible.
:'''Todd''': I don't know the meaning of the word.
:'''Caption''': HE REALLY DOESN'T.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Young Neil leads a shell-shocked Knives away, as Scott angrily stares at Todd]''
:'''Julie''': ''[changing the subject]'' So, uh, you guys doing anything ''fun'' while you're in town?
:'''Todd''': &quot;Fun&quot;? In Toronto?
:'''Envy''': Ha!
:'''Scott''': ''[angrily]'' '''''THAT'S IT!''''' ''[slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror]'' '''''YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!''''' ''[lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air]'' ''[gasping]'' My neck. ''[stunned]'' ''Your hair.''
:'''Envy''': Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
:''[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]''
:'''Scott''': ''[coughs]'' Vegan?
:'''Todd''': ''[psychically moves couch out of the way]'' It's not really ''that'' big of a deal. ''[kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]''
:'''Scott''': No kidding. ''[coughs and stands up]'' Anyone can be vegan.
:'''Todd''': Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
:'''Scott''': Ovo-what?
:'''Todd''': I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.
:'''Envy''': Short answer: Being vegan just makes you better than most people.
:'''Todd''': ''Bingo.'' ''[punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]''
:'''Stephen''': Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
:'''Todd''': Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.
:'''Kim''': ''[snarky]'' Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?
:'''Todd''': ''[irritated]'' Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.
:''[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him]''
:'''Scott''': ''[weakly]'' If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
:'''Ramona''': It's not raining.
:'''Scott''': Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.
:'''Ramona''': Is it really important right now?
:'''Scott''': Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.
:'''Ramona''': ''[looking defeated]'' I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.
:'''Scott''': Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?
:'''Ramona''': Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Todd''': Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he. 
:'''Scott''': &quot;He and me.&quot;
:'''Todd''': Don't you talk to me about grammar.
:'''Scott''': I dislike you, ''capisce?''
:'''Todd''': Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday. 
:'''Scott''': What? 
:'''Todd''': Because you'll be dust by Monday.
:'''Scott''': ''[confused]'' Ummm...
:'''Todd''': Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts. 
:'''Scott''': S-so, what's on Monday?
:'''Todd''': ''[also confused]'' Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
:'''Envy''': ''[sighs]'' ''[translating for Todd Ingram]'' Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
:'''Scott''': ''[offended]'' You used to be so '''''NICE!''''' ''[charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]''
:'''Stephen''': Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to [[w:Pizza Pizza|Pizza Pizza]] for a slice. Call us when you're done.
:'''Envy''': Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.
:'''Todd''': ''[hears a bass note]'' Sounds like someone wants to get...''funky.''
:''[After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins, psychically breaks Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and pushes him through 3 walls, having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees]''
:'''Todd''': I can read your thoughts. ''[psychically]'' ''Your will is broken.'' ''[normally]'' You're through.
:'''Scott''': What say we drink to my memory? ''[offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.]'' Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
:'''Envy''': Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
:'''Todd''': Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. ''[levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own]'' Thanks, tool. ''[sips the coffee]''
:'''Scott''': Actually, ''muchacho,'' I poured the soy in ''this'' cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my &quot;mind's eye&quot; or whatever. ''[sips his own coffee]''
:'''Todd''': ''[eyes return to normal, baffled]'' What are you talking about?
:'''Scott''': You just drank half-and-half, baby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops his coffee cup, [[w:Anime|Anime]]-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their De-Veganizing Rays raised at Todd.]''
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': Freeze! Vegan Police!
:'''Vegan Police Officer #2''': Vegan Police!
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half.
:'''Todd''': Wh--? That's bullroar!
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': No vegan diet, ''no vegan powers!''
:'''Todd''': But-but, I-- It's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean--
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': ''[to Vegan Police Officer #2]'' Take it.
:'''Vegan Police Officer #2''': ''[whips out notepad]'' At 12:27 am, on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato.
:''[Scott Pilgrim smugly smiles]''
:'''Todd''': Gelato isn't vegan?
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': It's milk and eggs, bitch.
:'''Vegan Police Officer #2''': ''[still reading]'' On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook a plate of chicken Parmesan.
:''[Envy gasps in shock, then glares at Todd]''
:'''Todd''': ''[feeble]'' ''Chicken'' isn't vegan?
:'''Vegan Police Officer #1''': The De-Veganizing Ray. ''Hit him!!'' ''[both fire De-Veganizing Rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. Scott tosses his coffee cup behind him, and the Vegan Police Officers step back and blow smoke from their De-Veganizing Rays as Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.]''
:'''Envy''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God. 
:'''Todd''': ''[shocked]'' No. No...
:'''Scott''': You once were a ve-gone, but now you will '''be''' gone.
:'''Todd''': ''[incredulous; his last words]'' &quot;Ve-gone&quot;?
:''[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, '''&quot;YEAH!&quot;''' as they do.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott''': ''[to Envy]'' Uh...sorry, I guess.
:'''Envy''': ''[in disbelief]'' &quot;Sorry&quot;? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.
:'''Scott''': You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.
:'''Envy''': ''[confused]'' &quot;Natalie&quot;? No one calls me that anymore.
:'''Scott''': Maybe they should. ''[to Ramona]'' Let's get out of here. ''[he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]''
:'''Julie''': ''[appearing out of nowhere]'' For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.
:'''Envy''': ''[annoyed]'' Shut the ''[bleep]'' up, Julie.
:'''Julie''': ''[obliviously]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stephen''': We're still going to the after-party, right?
:'''Kim''': I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.
:'''Stephen''': Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.
:'''Kim''': Then why would we--? ''[realizing]'' Oh.
:'''Stephen''': ''[to Neil]'' Neil, you down? ''[to Scott]'' Scott, you're in, right?
:'''Ramona''': You wanna go?
:'''Scott''': Well...I kind of almost died back there.
:'''Ramona''': I'm not saying I want to go.
:'''Scott''': Yeah, we can totally go.
:'''Ramona''': I'll do whatever you want to do.
:'''Scott''': So, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramona''': We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.
:'''Scott''': No, I'm fine. It's just--
:'''Ramona''': &quot;It's just&quot;?
:'''Scott''': Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a ''total ass?''
:'''Ramona''': Well, so far, you're not a ''total'' ass.
:'''Scott''': But I'm ''part'' ass?
:'''Ramona''': If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.
:'''Scott''': Wait, is that good?
:'''Ramona''': It's what I need right now.
:'''Scott''': But not later?
:'''Ramona''': Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.
:'''Scott''': I'd just like to live. ''[he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]''
:'''Ramona''': Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.
:'''Scott''': Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?
:'''Ramona''': ''Exes.''
:'''Scott''': Whatever.
:'''Ramona''': No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?
:'''Scott''': I believe I broke up with her.
:'''Ramona''': And was she cool with that?
:'''Scott''': Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.
:'''Ramona''': You're sure about that?
:'''Scott''': Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.
:'''Knives''': ''[whines]'' No!
:'''Ramona''': What about you and Kim?
:'''Scott''': Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.
:'''Ramona''': That's it?
:'''Scott''': Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
:'''Ramona''': That's really the whole story?
:'''Scott''': Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?
:'''Ramona''': Well, now you '''are''' being a total ass. Welcome to the club.
:'''Scott''': I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.
:'''Ramona''': Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.
:'''Scott''': ''[rubbing his eyes]'' I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
:'''Ramona''': ''Exes.''
:'''Scott''': Why do you keep saying that? ''[gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.]'' ''[stands up, thinking]'' ''The girl from earlier?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramona''': Roxy?
:'''Scott''': You know this girl?
:'''Roxy''': Oh, boy, does ''she know me.''
:'''Scott''': ''[deeply confused]'' What is she talking about?
:'''Roxy Richter''': He ''really'' doesn't know?
:'''Scott''': ''[realisation dawning]'' Wait.
:'''Roxy''': Hmm. ''[smiles suggestively]''
:''[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from &quot;NO CLUE&quot; to &quot;GETS IT&quot;]''
:'''Scott''': ''[to Ramona; shocked]'' You and ''her?!''
:'''Ramona''': It was just a phase.
:'''Roxy''': ''[incensed]'' &quot;Just a '''''phase&quot;?'''''
:'''Scott''': You had a sexy phase?
:'''Ramona''': It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
:'''Roxy''': ''[angrily]'' &quot;It meant '''''nothing&quot;?!'''''
:'''Ramona''': I was just a little bi-curious.
:'''Roxy''': Well, honey... ''[cracks knuckles]'' I'm a little bi-&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''FURIOUS!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]''
:'''Ramona''': Do that again, and I will end you!
:'''Roxy''': Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! ''[whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!''
:'''Ramona''': Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick ''yours'' out of the Great White North! ''[pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Ramona and Roxy fight [[w:Anime|Anime]]-style, Scott ducks over to Wallace]''
:'''Scott''': Wallace?
:'''Wallace''': Uh-huh?
:'''Scott''': This is happening, right?
:'''Wallace''': Oh, yeah. ''[yelling]'' Kick her in the balls!
:''[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword]''
:'''Roxy''': I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you ''slag!'' ''[throws the hammer out of the window]'' '''''Ha!''''' ''[turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]''
:'''Ramona''': I'd rather be ''dead'' than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
:'''Roxy''': Give it a rest, Ramona; This is a League game!
:'''Ramona''': Meaning?
:'''Roxy''': ''[stands up]'' Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
:''[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly]''
:'''Scott''': ''[nervous]'' Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
:'''Ramona''': You don't have a choice.
:''[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks]''
:'''Roxy''': Fight your own battles, lazy ass! ''[vanishes]'' ''[seven seconds later]'' Lazy ass! ''[re-materializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.]'' Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. ''[raises her leg in an axe kick]'' ''Your BF's about to get F'd in the B!'' ''[brings her leg down in slow-mo]''
:'''Ramona''': ''[voice slowed down]'' Her weak point's the back of her knees.
:'''Scott''': ''[voice slowed down]'' Wait, how does ''that'' work?
:'''Ramona''': ''[voice slowed down]'' Whenever we were making out, I would just--
:'''Scott''': ''[voice slowed down]'' ''Okay, enough!''
:''[He prods Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, gasps and, while moaning, collapses on the floor and writhes.]''
:'''Roxy''': You'll never... be able to do ''this...'' '''''to heeerrr!!!''''' 
:''[She explodes into coins, with an orgasmic moan, thus earning Scott 4,000 points.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scott enters the Chaos Theatre.]''
:'''Stephen''': ''[notices Scott]'' Scott! Let it go. Don't give him the satisfaction.
:'''Scott''': What if ''I'' want the satisfaction?
:'''Gideon''': Scott Pilgrim! He-hey! Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre. Somebody get this man a drink. A [[w:Coca-Cola Zero Sugar|Coke Zero]], right?
:'''Scott''': ''[knocks drink away]'' I'm not here to drink.
:'''Gideon''': Whoa. I've got no beef with you.
:'''Scott''': ''[angrily]'' Well, what if I have a beef...with ''you?''
:'''Gideon''': Are you still mad about the whole thing with The Guild?
:'''Scott''': You mean The League?
:'''Gideon''': The Guild, League, whatever. It's ancient history.
:'''Scott''': I'll show you how ancient of history it is! ''[charges at Gideon]''
:'''Gideon''': Wait, wait, w-w-wait! ''[Scott stops running]'' There's no use crying over spilt Coke, buddy. The lady made her choice, and we're all just gonna have to...move on.
:'''Scott''': Well, I ain't movin', buddy.
:'''Gideon''': You wanna fight ''me...'' for ''her?''
:'''Scott''': ''[arch]'' Was that not clear? ''[to the members of Sex Bob-Omb]'' Was that not clear? 
:'''Sex Bob-Omb''': ''[they shrug]'' I don't know.
:'''Gideons''': Now, why on Earth... would you want to do... ''that?''
:'''Scott''': Because I'm in love with her. ''[gasps and falters back]''
:'''Narrator Voice''': '''Scott earned the Power of Love.'''
:''[Scott sees a flaming samurai sword emerge from his chest; he grabs hold of the sword and pulls it out, leveling up.]''
:'''Gideon''': Aw, I think this deserves a song. '''''Kimberley!!'''''
:'''Kim''': ''[unenthusiastically, subtly giving Gideon the finger]'' We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott''': ''[after being fatally stabbed in the heart and killed by Gideon; moaning]'' Oh, man.
:'''Ramona''': Sorry. Dying's got to suck.
:'''Scott''': You know what sucks? Getting killed by that guy. Why him?
:'''Ramona''': It's complicated.
:'''Scott''': Well, I'm not going anywhere, so... now might be a good time to get into it.
:'''Ramona''': Truth is...it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. That's why I had to leave. And that's when he started paying attention.
:'''Scott''': So, why go back?
:'''Ramona''': I can't help myself around him, Scott; He just...has this way of getting into my head.
:'''Scott''': Well, ''that's'' legitimately disappointing. I really ''will'' leave you alone forever now.
:'''Ramona''': No, he literally has a way of getting into my head. ''[shows chip on the back of her neck]''
:'''Scott''': ''[shocked]'' ''That is '''evil.'''''
:'''Ramona''': I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this, Scott. I just wanted something simple. I'm sorry it had to end this way.
:'''Scott''': Well, I really fought for you.
:'''Ramona''': Maybe I'm not the one you should have been fighting ''for.'' ''[turns to dust]''
:'''Scott''': What? But-- But-- I feel like I learned something. ''[saddened]'' Which would be great if I wasn't dead. ''[collapses to his knees in dispair]'' So-- So alone.
:'''Ramona''': You're not alone.
:'''Scott''': ''[notices a video game 1-UP; determined]'' Right! ''[uses 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.]'' ''[to one of Gideon's goons]'' Your hair looks stupid. ''[Goon gasps in shock and turns into coins, earning Scott Pilgrim 700 points. Two goons block the elevator]''
:'''Right Goon''': Second password? ''[Scott defeats both of them, earning 700 points each, and goes down the elevator.]''
:'''Comeau''': ''[chatting to partygoers.]'' I mean, I saw it. It's just the comic book is better than the movie. ''[notices Scott]'' Hello. ''[Scott barges past him, earning 350 points per person, to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]''
:'''Stephen''': Scott! Let it go.
:'''Scott''': Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound way better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... ''Neil.'' 
:'''Neil''': ''[pleasurably]'' Ohh.
:'''Scott''': And Kim... ''[Kim raises an eyebrow]'' I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about ''me.'' ''[surprised, Kim smiles at him for the first time]''
:'''Gideon''': ''[from the other side of the club]'' ''Scott Pilgrim!'' Hey, buddy!
:'''Scott''': Save it! You're pretentious. This club sucks. I've got beef. Let's do it. ''[charges toward Gideon]''
:'''Gideon''': Wait, wait, w-w-wait! ''[Scott stops running]'' You wanna fight ''me...'' for ''her?''
:'''Scott''': No. I want to fight you for ''me.'' ''[falters back]''
:'''Narrator Voice''': Scott earned the Power of Self-Respect.
:''[Scott pulls out the samurai sword from his chest, leveling up even higher.]''
:'''Gideon''': ''[confused]'' Umm--
:'''Scott''': '''''KIM!'''''
:'''Kim''': ''[extremely enthusiastically]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[Sex Bob-Omb starts playing a faster upbeat rock song]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, [[w:Ninja Gaiden (NES video game)|Ninja-Gaiden]]-style with swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth]''
:'''Scott''': ''[landing]'' How's it going back there?
:'''Gideon''':  You... dick! ''[slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]''
:'''Scott''': ''[calling]'' Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.
:'''Knives''': '''''SCOTT!!!''''' ''[They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head]'' Steal my boyfriend, ''[twirls sai]'' ''taste my steel!'' ''[lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]''
:'''Scott''': Enough!
:'''Knives''': No, Scott! ''[kicks Scott in the neck]'' This fat-ass hurt me, ''and I will have '''my revenge!'''''
:'''Scott''': No, Knives, ''I'' hurt you. I cheated on you. ''[Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.]'' I cheated on ''both'' of you. I'm really sorry. ''[turns to Ramona]''  And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?
:''[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck shorts out, and powers off]''
:'''Ramona''': ''[relieved]'' Never felt better.
:'''Gideon''': Yoo-hoo! ''[they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them]'' Are we done with the hugging and the learning? ''[puts a new piece of gum in his mouth]'' I thought we had a ''fight'' going on here!
:'''Scott''': Oh, you've got a fight, all right. ''[prepares himself, and a VS. sign appears between him and Gideon]''
:'''Gideon''': Wrong move, baby. ''[Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing him to swallow his gum. &quot;2 Player Mode&quot; appears.]'' You made me swallow my gum. ''[adjusts his glasses.]'' It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 '''''years!''''' ''[Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword]'' ''[to Ramona]'' Yeah. Still my girl. ''[Ramona puts her arms around him, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]''
:'''Ramona''': Let's ''both'' be girls. ''[knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]''
:'''Announcer''': Bad! ''[Ramona falls to the floor]'' Bad! ''[Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.]'' Bad!
:''[Scott and Knives watch in horror as Ramona falls down the stairs. Gideon turns around to see Scott and Knives staring at him angrily]''
:'''Gideon''': ''[cockily]'' What?
:'''Announcer''': Get ready! ''[Gideon's cocky smile disappears]'' Here we go! ''[Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.]'' Good! Good! Good! Combo! ''[Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.]'' Perfect! ''[Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]''
:'''Gideon''': ''[voice distorted]'' Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my '''ASS!!''' Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid League? Like, ''two hours!'' '''''TWO HOURS!''''' ''[coughs and hacks out coin]'' You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're ''nothing!'' ''Me, '''I'M''' what's hip!'' '''''I'M''' what's happening!'' '''''I'M blowing up right now!'''''
:'''Scott''': You ''are'' blowing up. '''''RIGHT NOW!''''' ''[drop-kicks Gideon in the head]''
:'''Narrator Voice''': '''''K.O.!'''''
:''[Gideon turns into a shower of coins, earning Scott 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow-mo]''
:'''Knives:''' ''[voice slowed down]'' Wow!
:'''Scott:''' ''[voice slowed down]'' Yeah. Wow.
:''[Normal speed; Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage]''
:'''Kim''': ''[deadpan]'' There goes our deal.
:'''Stephen''': We're still getting paid, right?
:'''Kim''': ''There goes our deal.''
:'''Neil''': Oh. 
:'''Stephen''': ''[panicked]'' Oh, God!
:''[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins. Neil picks up a coin, and Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit as Neil puts the coin in his mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ramona''': ''[gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs]'' You two make a good combo.
:'''Scott''': ''[happily]'' Yeah?
:'''Ramona''': Yeah.
:'''Gideon's Voice''': ''[whispering]'' Scott Pilgrim. ''[chuckles]'' You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?
:''[Nega Scott, an evil version of Scott Pilgrim, appears]''
:'''Knives''': Uh-oh. Nega Scott.
:'''Announcer''': Nega Scott. ''[Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]''
:'''Scott''': ''[stops Knives and Ramona]'' No. This is something I have to face. ''[walks toward Nega Scott]'' Myself. ''[tosses Gideon's glasses]''
:'''Announcer''': Solo round!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[scene cuts outside the Chaos Theater]''
:'''Scott''': ''[talking to Nega Scott]'' They have this incredible French toast with, like, bananas on it, and you get bacon on the side.
:'''Nega Scott''': Oh, I'm likin' that.
:'''Scott''': Well, let's do it next week.
:'''Nega Scott''': Yeah, Tuesday.
:'''Scott''': Yeah, all right. Be good.
:'''Nega Scott''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Scott''': Hey.
:''[Nega Scott whistles as he walks away]''
:'''Knifes''': What happened?
:'''Scott''': Oh, nothing, we just shot the shit. He's, he's just a really nice guy. We're gonna get brunch next week. We, uh, we actually have a lot in common.
:'''Knifes''': Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.
:'''Scott''': ''[his hat appears in a comedic manner]'' It is?
:'''Knifes''': Yeah. ''[removes Scott's hat]'' You should probably get it cut.
:'''Scott''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah, you're right. I should get it cut.
:'''Knifes''': At a salon.
:'''Scott''': Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice. ''[to Ramona]'' Hey. You're-- You're goin'?
:'''Ramona''': I should probably disappear.
:'''Scott''': After all that?
:'''Ramona''': I still need a new life. I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up. I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.
:'''Scott''': I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.
:'''Ramona''': I don't mean just you.
:'''Scott''': ''[saddened]'' I understand.
:'''Ramona''': I should thank you, though.
:'''Scott''': For what?
:'''Ramona''': For being the nicest guy I ever dated.
:'''Scott''': That's kind of sad.
:'''Ramona''': It ''is'' kind of sad.
:'''Scott''': Well, bye, and stuff.
:'''Ramona''': Yeah. And stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Knives''': Go get her.
:'''Scott''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Knives''': You've been fighting for her all along.
:'''Scott''': But what about you?
:'''Knives''': I'll be fine. ''[chuckles and kisses Scott's cheek.]'' I'm too cool for you anyway.
:'''Scott''': ''[hesitantly]'' ''Ciao,'' Knives.
:'''Knives''': ''[encouragingly]'' Go.
:''[Scott follows Ramona]''
:'''Scott''': ''[to Ramona]'' Hey! Hey. Mind if I tag along?
:'''Ramona''': You wanna come with me?
:'''Scott''': Yeah. I thought maybe we could try again. ''[takes Ramona's hand and they walk through a door with a star on it, and the door closes]''
:'''Video Game Announcer''': Continue? 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

== Taglines ==
* An epic of epic epicness.
* This summer it's on like Donkey Kong.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] - Scott Pilgrim
* [[w:Mary Elizabeth Winstead|Mary Elizabeth Winstead]] - Ramona Victoria Flowers
* [[w:Kieran Culkin|Kieran Culkin]] - Wallace Wells
* [[w:Ellen Wong|Ellen Wong]] - Knives Chau
* [[w:Alison Pill|Alison Pill]] - Kim Pine
* [[w:Mark Webber (actor)|Mark Webber]] - Stephen Stills
* [[w:Johnny Simmons|Johnny Simmons]] - Young Neil
* [[w:Chris Evans|Chris Evans]] - Lucas Lee
* [[w:Brandon Routh|Brandon Routh]] - Todd Ingram
* [[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]] - Roxanne &quot;Roxy&quot; Richter
* [[w:Jason Schwartzman|Jason Schwartzman]] - Gideon Gordon Graves
* Satya Bhabha - Matthew Patel
* [[Anna Kendrick]] - Stacey Pilgrim
* [[w:Brie Larson|Brie Larson]] - Natalie V. &quot;Envy&quot; Adams
* [[w:Thomas Jane|Thomas Jane]] - Vegan Police Officer #1
* [[w:Clifton Collins Jr.|Clifton Collins Jr.]] - Vegan Police Officer #2
* [[w:Erik Knudsen|Erik Knudsen]] - Luke &quot;Crash&quot; Wilson
* [[w:Aubrey Plaza|Aubrey Plaza]] - Julie Powers
* [[w:Tennessee Thomas|Tennessee Thomas]] - Lynette Guycott

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0446029|title=Scott Pilgrim vs. the World}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=scott_pilgrim_vs_the_world|title=Scott Pilgrim vs. the World}} 
* [http://www.scottpilgrimthemovie.com/ Official site]

[[Category:2010 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Canadian films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Teen comedy films]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dennis Skinner</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:58:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Philip Cross</username>
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      <text bytes="10115" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dennis Skinner MP.jpg|thumb|Dennis Skinner]]

'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
**[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' 1991

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]]
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''Daily Telgraph'' 1997

=== 2000s ===
*Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm 8 Dec 2005 : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

*Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004)

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' 20 April 2006

*Any Tory moles at the Palace?
**Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
**To which Black Rod quipped, I shall miss you, Dennis., receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.

**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=2009-03-27}}

*Royal Expenses are on the way. 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'', 18 November 2009

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 ‘Only posh boys sack their servants’ – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'', 25 April 2012

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''Daily Telegraph'', 9 May 2012 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society&quot; interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead 
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'',  17 June 2012

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'',  8 May 2013

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'',  4 June 2014

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''Huffington Post'', 18 May 2016

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:English atheists]]</text>
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'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
** To Black Rod at the State Opening of Parliament [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' 1991

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]]
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992)

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''Daily Telgraph'' 1997

=== 2000s ===
*Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm 8 Dec 2005 : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

*Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004)

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' 20 April 2006

*Any Tory moles at the Palace?
**Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
**To which Black Rod quipped, I shall miss you, Dennis., receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.

**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=2009-03-27}}

*Royal Expenses are on the way. 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'', 18 November 2009

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 ‘Only posh boys sack their servants’ – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'', 25 April 2012

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''Daily Telegraph'', 9 May 2012 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society&quot; interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead 
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'',  17 June 2012

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'',  8 May 2013

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'',  4 June 2014

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''Huffington Post'', 18 May 2016

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:English atheists]]</text>
      <sha1>mxdgznoxfrfyglca5yiqrdh4gnjgxuk</sha1>
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      <text bytes="10180" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dennis Skinner MP.jpg|thumb|Dennis Skinner]]

'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
** To Black Rod at the State Opening of Parliament [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' (1991).

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]].
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''The Daily Telgraph'' (1997).

=== 2000s ===
*Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm 8 Dec 2005 : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

*Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
**[http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004)

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' 20 April 2006

*Any Tory moles at the Palace?
**Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
**To which Black Rod quipped, I shall miss you, Dennis., receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.

**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=2009-03-27}}

*Royal Expenses are on the way. 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'', 18 November 2009

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 ‘Only posh boys sack their servants’ – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'', 25 April 2012

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''Daily Telegraph'', 9 May 2012 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society&quot; interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead 
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'',  17 June 2012

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'',  8 May 2013

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'',  4 June 2014

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''Huffington Post'', 18 May 2016

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:English atheists]]</text>
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'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
** To Black Rod at the State Opening of Parliament [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' (1991).

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]].
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''The Daily Telgraph'' (1997).

=== 2000s ===
* Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004).

* Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm (8 December 2005) : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2006).

* Any Tory moles at the Palace?
** Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
** To which Black Rod quipped, &quot;I shall miss you, Dennis&quot;, receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.
**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=2009-03-27}}

* Royal Expenses are on the way. 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'', 18 November 2009

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 ‘Only posh boys sack their servants’ – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'', 25 April 2012

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''Daily Telegraph'', 9 May 2012 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society&quot; interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead 
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'',  17 June 2012

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'',  8 May 2013

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'',  4 June 2014

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''Huffington Post'', 18 May 2016

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:English atheists]]</text>
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      <text bytes="10205" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dennis Skinner MP.jpg|thumb|Dennis Skinner]]

'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
** To Black Rod at the State Opening of Parliament [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' (1991).

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]].
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''The Daily Telgraph'' (1997).

=== 2000s ===
* Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004).

* Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm (8 December 2005) : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2006).

* Any Tory moles at the Palace?
** Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
** To which Black Rod quipped, &quot;I shall miss you, Dennis&quot;, receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.
**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=27 March 2009}}

* Royal Expenses are on the way. 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'' (18 November 2009).

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 ‘Only posh boys sack their servants’ – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'', 25 April 2012

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''Daily Telegraph'', 9 May 2012 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society&quot; interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead 
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'',  17 June 2012

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'',  8 May 2013

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'',  4 June 2014

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''Huffington Post'', 18 May 2016

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
[[Category:Democratic socialists]]
[[Category:English atheists]]</text>
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      <text bytes="10220" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dennis Skinner MP.jpg|thumb|Dennis Skinner]]

'''[[w:Dennis Skinner|Dennis Edward Skinner]]''' (born 11 February 1932) is a British Labour Party politician. He was the Member of Parliament (MP) for Bolsover from 1970 to 2019, the Chairman of the Labour Party from 1988 to 1989, and sat on the National Executive Committee for many years from 1978.

==Quotes==

=== 1980s ===

*Skinner: …it should be placed on record that, according to my hon. Friends who worked tirelessly in the Committee to oppose the provisions of the Bill, including this clause, the Liberal spokesman was not there half the time.
*David Alton: I do not know where the hon. Gentleman gets his facts from. If it is from one of his friends on the national executive committee of the Labour Party, I suspect that the information is probably as spurious and ridiculous as most of the other things said in that body. I can assure him that what he said is certainly not the case, and I hope that he will withdraw that comment immediately.
*[An exchange takes place between the pair and the speaker, who asks Skinner to keep on topic but not to withdraw the remark.]
*Skinner: The hon. Member for Edge Hill seems a bit upset about my saying that he was not there half the time. Will he settle for my agreeing that he was there the other half? That is an advance.
**[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1981/apr/01/saving-for-things-done-under-a-licence#S6CV0002P0_19810401_HOC_593 House of Commons, Hansard, 1 April 1981, 04:30am, volume 2 col 448]
**Skinner may have been alluding to a [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ classic joke].

=== 1990s ===
*I bet he drinks ''[[w:Carling Black Label|Carling Black Label]]..
** To Black Rod at the State Opening of Parliament [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416382.stm  A reference to an advertising campaign at the time] ''BBC'' (1991).

*Is there not something even more sinister in people talking in abstract terms about Britain becoming part of this political union? People may have the impression that we, the 12 countries and perhaps more, are all pals together. The truth is that the real powerhouse of the Common Market lies in Germany. It has just annexed East Germany. It is central to the activities of all the nation states that are falling apart in eastern Europe. Political union spells something much more sinister, and that is German domination. We fought for six years against it in the second world war. If hon. Members allow this political union, they will allow the Germans to win now when they lost in 1945. 
**[https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-21/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (21 February 1992) against the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]].
 
*When I called the Right Hon. Member for [[w:Plymouth Devonport (UK Parliament constituency)|Plymouth, Devonport]] ([[w:David Owen|Dr. Owen]]) a pompous sod, Mr. Speaker said to me, 'You had better withdraw that'. I said I would withdraw 'pompous', but said, Mr. Speaker 'That's not the word I'm looking for.' There was laughter in the House and everyone thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought that that was a real parliamentary triumph, but Mr. Speaker thought differently. He said, 'Off you go,' and I did not get a chance to reply.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I have been kicked out of this place about seven times, but I did not have any chance to explain. No one said to me, &quot;Dennis, will you explain why you said that the Right Hon. Member for Chingford (Mr. Tebbit) was lining his pockets when he picked up that non-executive directorship of British Telecom?&quot; I would have loved to tell everyone all about that, but Mr. Speaker said, &quot;On your bike - early bath,&quot; and off I had to go.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*I accused the noble Lord, [[w:Francis Pym|Lord Pym]], when he was a Member of this House, of being the Minister for Unemployment because there were nearly 2 million people on the scrap heap - that pile of human misery known as the dole queue. Again, I was not able to make a speech before Mr. Speaker sent me out.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*Those were all genuine statements that I had to make. The Hon. Member for [[w:Winchester|Winchester]] ([[w:John Browne|Mr. Browne]]) was kicked out for 20 days because he lined his pockets with about £50,000 and did not put it in the register as he is supposed to do, and now he is whingeing but I reckon he got away with blue murder!
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*The Hon. Gentleman is making pretty heavy weather of the fact that he was kicked out of this gentleman's club for 20 days. I call it a gentlemen's club.  
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm199192/cmhansrd/1992-02-28/Debate-1.html Speech] in the House of Commons (28 February 1992).

*New Labour, New Black Rod.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1551880/General-Sir-Edward-Jones.html  A reference to Labour's election campaign slogan &quot;New Labour, New Britain&quot;.] ''The Daily Telgraph'' (1997).

=== 2000s ===
* Tell the House of Lords to go to hell.
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040915/debtext/40915-07.htm During the 2004 fox hunting debate in the House of Commons] ''Parliament.co.uk'' (2004).

* Is my right hon. Friend aware that in the 1970s and a lot of the 1980s, we would have thanked our lucky stars in the coalfield areas for growth of 1.75 per cent.? The only thing growing then were the lines of coke in front of [[w:George Osborne|boy George]] and the rest of them. 
** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200506/cmhansrd/vo051208/debtext/51208-04.htm (8 December 2005) : Column 988] ''publications.parliament.uk/''

* She has been let off because she is a Tory.
**http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/apr/20/houseofcommons.uk1 Skinner thrown out of the Commons - again] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2006).

* Any Tory moles at the Palace?
** Referring to the recent arrest of Conservative MP [[w:Damian Green]] in connection with an investigation about him receiving confidential information from a civil servant at the [[w:Home Office|Home Office]] who was formerly a Conservative Party candidate. 
** To which Black Rod quipped, &quot;I shall miss you, Dennis&quot;, receiving laughter from other MPs. The 2008 State Opening of Parliament was [[w:Michael Willcocks|Michael Willcocks]]' last as Black Rod.
**{{cite news|url=http://news.parliament.uk/2008/12/appointment-of-black-rod/|title=Appointment to the post of Black Rod|publisher=[[Parliament of the United Kingdom]]|date=17 December 2008|accessdate=27 March 2009}}

* Royal Expenses are on the way. 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDLL45b0uEo State Opening of Parliament 2009 by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth including Black Rod a reference to the United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal] ''Youtube'' (18 November 2009).

=== 2010s ===
*When posh boys are in trouble they sack the servants
**[http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/only-posh-boys-sack-their-servants-jeremy-hunt-faces-the-wrath-of-parliament-1-2255699 &quot;'Only posh boys sack their servants' – Jeremy Hunt faces the wrath of parliament] ''The Scotsman'' (25 April 2012).

*Jubilee year, double-dip recession, what a start.  
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9254516/Queens-Speech-2012-Dennis-Skinner-heckles-Black-Rod.html Queen's Speech 2012: Dennis Skinner heckles Black Rod] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (9 May 2012). 

*every now and then you see the arrogance of Cameron, and that comes through every so often. It is the Bullingdon Club. When they were sat down – him and Gideon [Osborne's birth name] – and he says: 'You know what we really want, Gideon? Every weekend, after we've roughed up one of those hotels, we need an army of volunteers to come in and clean it all up.' And Gideon says: 'Yeah, we could call it the Big Society'. 
** interview with ,Decca Aitkenhead [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jun/17/dennis-skinner-formed-pits-war Dennis Skinner: 'I was formed in the pits and the war'] ''The Guardian'' (17 June 2012).

*Royal Mail for sale, Queen's head privatised. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-dennis-skinner-heckle-cause-1877167 Watch Dennis Skinner heckle cause laughter among MPs at State Opening of Parliament] ''Daily Mirror'' (8 May 2013).

*Coalition's last stand. 
**[http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dennis-skinner-said-queens-speech-3645462 Dennis Skinner said Queen’s Speech was coalition’s last stand - and it will be painful] ''Daily Mirror'' (4 June 2014).

*Hands off the BBC.
**[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dennis-skinner-jokes-hands-off-the-bbc-during-queens-speech_uk_573c4150e4b03f08843dd84b Dennis Skinner Jokes ‘Hands Off The BBC’ During Queen’s Speech] ''The Huffington Post'' (18 May 2016).

==Misattributed==

*Skinner: &quot;Half the Tories opposite are crooks.&quot;
*Speaker: &quot;Please retract that unparliamentary language.&quot;
*Skinner: &quot;OK, half the Tories opposite are not crooks.&quot;
**There is no evidence that Skinner said this&lt;ref&gt;[https://clioseyeroll.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/dennis-skinner-did-not-call-half-the-tories-crooks-and-how-to-verify-other-quotes-from-parliament/ &quot;Dennis Skinner Did Not Call Half the Tories Crooks (and How to Verify Other Quotes from Parliament)&quot;], 03 December 2016.&lt;/ref&gt;. But see quotation from 1 April 1981, above.
**It is an old joke which has been around since [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/04/19/half-fools/ at least 1927].

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Skinner, Dennis}}
[[Category:1932 births]]
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[[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]]
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  <page>
    <title>Ronnie James Dio</title>
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        <username>FoolInLove</username>
        <id>1547041</id>
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      <text bytes="11374" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ronnie-James-Dio Heaven-N-Hell 2009-06-11 Chicago Photoby Adam-Bielawski.jpg|thumb|When I see [[lightning]] — you know it always brings me down&lt;br&gt;'Cause it's [[free]] and I see that it's me&lt;br&gt;Who's [[lost]] and never found.]] 
'''[[w:Ronnie James Dio|Ronald James Padavona]]''' ([[10 July]] [[1942]] – [[16 May]] [[2010]]), more famous as '''Ronnie James Dio''', was an Italian-American rock musician, who was a vocalist in the bands [[w:Rainbow (rock band)|Rainbow]], [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]], [[w:Dio (band)|Dio]], and later [[w:Heaven &amp; Hell (band)|Heaven &amp; Hell]].
: See also:
::[[Black Sabbath]]
::[[Dio (band)|Dio]]

== Quotes ==
* It correlates itself with the way almost all of the people in this country believed in [[Richard Nixon]] up until the time he decided he was going to take a leap off the tower and fell flat on his ass and became just a little lump of blood and putty. That was my way of saying that the common man will always rise above the leader who [[oppression|oppresses]] them.
** Speaking on the Rainbow song &quot;[[w:Stargazer (Rainbow song)|Stargazer]]&quot;, [http://www.rainbowfanclan.com/interviews/dio-13.html interview by Don Snowden], ''[[w:Los Angeles Vanguard|Los Angeles Vanguard]]'' (March 1976)

* We always seem to begin or end in Philadelphia, it's the best place to start and the best place to stop. You're fantastic. My favorite place. Thank you!
** ''Dio’s Live At The Spectrum'', 25 August 1984

* You know, music was given to us to [[color]] our world, and some people like blue, some people like green, some people like the combination of both. It's just a matter of personal [[Taste (sociology)|taste]]. I don't think that it matters what you do or what your main interest is. I think music especially should be enjoyed and liked in its entirety by everyone.
** Speaking on hard rock and heavy metal fans being interested in classical music, [https://earofnewt.com/2021/12/12/that-time-ronnie-james-dio-told-me-that-music-was-given-to-us-to-colour-our-world interview by Steve Newton], 1985

* But I think it's a hell of a book. I think Whoever put it together did quite an interesting job, but I think that it was ... I think that things were put in there to capture a group of people so they would follow a [[religion]].
** Speaking on the [[Bible]], [https://hmmagazine.com/hm-classic-reprint-what-ronnie-james-dio-says interview by Doug Van Pelt], ''[[w:HM Magazine|HM Magazine]]'' (1998)

* The [[dancer]] is the free spirit unfettered by chains and not confined by four walls. Noone seems to care much for those they can't [[control]].
** His answer to the question who the dancer is in the Black Sabbath song &quot;[[w:Heaven and Hell (Black Sabbath song)|Heaven and Hell]]&quot;, [https://ronniejamesdiosite.com/O&amp;E/chats/june5-99/June5chat.html AOL chat session], June 5, 1999

* I am not an [[Atheist]] or an anti-God person but my [[belief]]s are that you do not have to go to a place to worship, you don't have to go to a house to do that and that [[God]] resides in you and me and so does the [[Devil]] and [[heaven]] and [[hell]] is where we live on this earth. If the God that everyone prays to is such a wonderful God he wouldn't have people [[suffer]]ing so horribly as they are.
** [http://ronniejamesdiosite.com/NewsInterviews/Interviews/metalgospell/1am.html Interview by David Lee Wilson], 2000

* Lyrically I like to use themes that make the listener use his or her [[imagination]], and to give a little of the lessons I've learned in my own life. The best subjects are always people, who never fail to amaze me by their unpredictability.
** Speaking on his plans for the Dio album ''[[w:Master of the Moon|Master of the Moon]]'', [https://ronniejamesdiosite.com/NewsInterviews/Interviews/metalmastersJAN04/MMjan04RJD.html interview], ''Metal Masters'', January 2004

* That was obvious that there are people in this world who always going to try and take advantage of you — and do take advantage of you. Those [[king]]s and [[queen]]s are the people who think that they are so important, who want to take advantage of you, and that makes your life Heaven and Hell. [[Promises]] that you're going to get [is] the Heaven part, and Hell [is] when they don't come real.
** Speaking on the Black Sabbath song &quot;Heaven and Hell&quot;, [https://dmme.net/interviews/dio2 interview by Dmitry M. Epstein], September 2005

* I'm lucky that I am a very hard person and [[strong]] within my beliefs, so that this hasn't really been a problem for me, y'know, I just get [[cancer]], I'll kick the hell outta you.
** Interview by ''39 News'' in the MD Anderson Cancer Center, Houston, Texas, 2010

* I refuse to be beaten in any way, shape or form, so I'm gonna beat this too.
** Interview by ''39 News'' in the MD Anderson Cancer Center, Houston, Texas, 2010

=== Lyrics ===
==== Rainbow ====
[[File:DIO à Paris le 30 septembre 2002 au Divan du Monde.jpg|thumb|alt=Dio, 2002|[[Love]] is a never ending [[smile]].]]

* But [[life]]'s not a wheel&lt;br&gt;With [[chain]]s made of steel,&lt;br&gt;So bless me.
** &quot;Catch the Rainbow&quot; on ''[[w:Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow|Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow]]'' (1975)

*Where was your star?&lt;br&gt;Was it far, was it far?&lt;br&gt;When did we leave?&lt;br&gt;We believed, we believed, we believed ...
** &quot;[[w:Stargazer (Rainbow song)|Stargazer]]&quot; on ''[[w:Rising_(Rainbow_album)|Rising]]'' (1976)

* All my life, it seems&lt;br&gt;Just a crazy [[dream]]&lt;br&gt;Reaching for somebody's [[star]],&lt;br&gt;Like an open [[door]]&lt;br&gt;That you've passed before,&lt;br&gt;But you never had the [[key]].
** &quot;A Light in the Black&quot; on ''Rising'' (1976)

==== Black Sabbath ====
* [[Love]] is a never ending [[smile]].
** &quot;Wishing Well&quot; on ''[[w:Heaven and Hell (Black Sabbath album)|Heaven and Hell]]'' (1980)

* The world is full of [[king]]s and [[queen]]s&lt;br&gt;Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams,&lt;br&gt;It's [[heaven]] and [[hell]], oh well.
** &quot;[[w:Heaven and Hell (Black Sabbath song)|Heaven and Hell]]&quot; on ''Heaven and Hell'' (1980)

* We made the [[mountains]] shake&lt;br&gt;With [[laughter]] as we played,&lt;br&gt;Hiding in our corner of the [[world]].&lt;br&gt;Then we did the [[demon]] dance&lt;br&gt;And rushed to nevermore,&lt;br&gt;Threw away the key and locked the door.
** &quot;[[w:Children of the Sea (song)|Children of the Sea]]&quot; on ''Heaven and Hell'' (1980)

* If there isn't [[light]] when no one sees&lt;br&gt;Then how can I know what you might [[believe]]?
** &quot;The Sign of the Southern Cross&quot; on ''[[w:Mob Rules (album)|Mob Rules]] '' (1981)

* I'll smash your face in,&lt;br&gt;But with a smile,&lt;br&gt;All together you'll never&lt;br&gt;Be [[strong]]er than me.
** &quot;I&quot; on ''[[w:Dehumanizer|Dehumanizer]]'' (1992)

==== Dio ====
* It's the same old song,&lt;br&gt;You've gotta be somewhere at sometime,&lt;br&gt;And they never let you [[flying|fly]].&lt;br&gt;It's like broken glass,&lt;br&gt;You get cut before you see it,&lt;br&gt;So open up your [[eyes]].
** &quot;Stand Up and Shout&quot; on ''[[w:Holy Diver|Holy Diver]]'' (1983)

* When I see [[lightning]] — you know it always brings me down&lt;br&gt;'Cause it's [[free]] and I see that it's me&lt;br&gt;Who's [[lost]] and never found.
** &quot;[[w:Rainbow in the Dark|Rainbow in the Dark]]&quot; on ''Holy Diver'' (1983)

* Each day you hear the sand as it moves and whispers,&lt;br&gt;Come and sail on my golden [[sea]],&lt;br&gt;Maybe one day you'll be just like me,&lt;br&gt;And that's free.
** &quot;Egypt (The Chains Are On)&quot; on ''[[w:The Last in Line|The Last in Line]]'' (1984)

* Don't look behind&lt;br&gt;'Cause a tear that never dries&lt;br&gt;Can only make you blind.
** &quot;Like the Beat of a Heart&quot; on ''[[w:Sacred Heart (Dio album)|Sacred Heart]]'' (1985)

* Whenever you dream,&lt;br&gt;You're holding the key,&lt;br&gt;It opens the door&lt;br&gt;To let you be free.
** &quot;Sacred Heart&quot; on ''Sacred Heart'' (1985)

* There's perfect [[harmony]]&lt;br&gt;In the rising and the falling of the sea.&lt;br&gt;And as we sail along,&lt;br&gt;I never fail to be astounded by&lt;br&gt;The things we'll do for [[promises]]&lt;br&gt;And a [[song]].
** &quot;All the Fools Sailed Away&quot; on ''[[w:Dream Evil (album)|Dream Evil]]'' (1987)

==== Heaven &amp; Hell ====
* Maybe if we cry together,&lt;br&gt;Maybe if we cry as one,&lt;br&gt;The [[tears]] that fall could kill the fire&lt;br&gt;And keep everyone&lt;br&gt;From [[Nuclear weapons|Atom]] and [[Evil]].
** &quot;Atom and Evil&quot; on ''[[w:The Devil You Know (Heaven &amp; Hell album)|The Devil You Know]]'' (2009)

* Let me go! I've seen [[religion]],&lt;br&gt;But the light has left me [[blind]].&lt;br&gt;Take me back!&lt;br&gt;I must have the Bible [[Black]].
** &quot;[[w:Bible Black (song)|Bible Black]]&quot; on ''The Devil You Know'' (2009)

== Quotes about Ronnie James Dio ==
* Ronnie was one of the nicest people you could ever meet, we had some fantastic times together. Ronnie loved what he did, making music and [[performing]] on stage. He loved his fans so much. He was a [[kind]] man and would put himself out to [[help]] others. I can honestly say it's truly been an honor to play at his side for all these years. His music will live on forever.
** [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], as quoted in &quot;[https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/metal-community-pays-tribute-to-ronnie-james-dio-958210 Metal Community Pays Tribute To Ronnie James Dio]&quot;, ''[[w:Billboard (magazine)|Billboard.com]]'', (May 17, 2010)
* I can't remember exactly when I heard Ronnie's voice, but I do know that the first time I did hear it, it was just like an electric shock, a bolt of [[lightning]], because this voice had so much power and so much character and so much [[energy]] and so much of everything that makes a great [[singer]]. (...) If ever a man was a rock god, for me, it will always be Ronnie James Dio.
** [[w:Rob Halford|Rob Halford]], as quoted in &quot;[https://blabbermouth.net/news/judas-priests-rob-halford-picks-ronnie-james-dio-as-his-rock-god-its-all-about-the-voice JUDAS PRIEST's ROB HALFORD Picks RONNIE JAMES DIO As His 'Rock God': 'It's All About The Voice']&quot;, ''[[w:Blabbermouth.net|Blabbermouth.net]]'' (October 18, 2020)
* He's a great musician, and that's one of the things about him that people probably don't realize. Yes, obviously, he was one of the [[greatest]] singers of all time, but he knew music. He played trumpet, he was a bass player as well, he could play guitar, and he had a great musical [[mind]] and a great musical catalog inside of him. He had so much to draw on that musically he was very, very, very, very capable. And just great [[instinct]]s. As a musician, there was never any question that he was able to stand on his own with anybody.
** [[w:Jeff Pilson|Jeff Pilson]], as quoted in &quot;[https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/dokken_bassist_speaks_on_how_dio_treated_musicians_in_his_band_explains_what_many_people_dont_realize_about_ronnie.html Dokken Bassist Speaks on How Dio Treated Musicians in His Band, Explains What Many People Don't Realize About Ronnie]&quot;, ''[[w:Ultimate Guitar|Ultimate Guitar]]'' (March 24, 2021)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Ronnie Dio}}
*[http://www.ronniejamesdio.com/ Official website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Dio, Ronnie James}}
[[Category:Heavy metal singers]]
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[[Category:Critics of religion]]
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    <title>Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated</title>
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        <ip>69.36.212.253</ip>
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      <comment>/* Mystery Solvers Club State Finals */</comment>
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'''''Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated''''' is the 11th [[Scooby-Doo]] television series. Taking place in the small town of Crystal Cove, where the adults (especially Mayor Jones) often try to use the phony spooks as ways of making money, the show follows the kids as the mysteries they solve leads to an even bigger, even more dangerous, even more terrifying mystery. New to this series that separates it from other revivals of Scooby-Doo is the overarching story plot, the focus on the romantic relationships of the gang, and the darker tone of the show.

== Season 1 ==
===Beware the Beast from Below===
:(''First lines'')
:(''The gang cheers'')
:'''Velma''': Another mystery bites the dust.
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.
:(''Sheriff Stone closes the cell door'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Better idea.
:'''Fred''': Aw, come on, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Just cork it. You see this badge? Know why it's here?
:'''Velma''': It came with the shirt?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's here because if there's a crime, I solve it. (''goes to the office door'') Oh, and by the way, I've called all your parents, who, by now, I have on speed dial. (''mocking'') Oh, are you in trouble. Especially you, Fred. Say hi to dad, the Mayor. (''leaves'')
:'''Daphne''': Just once, it would be nice if someone thanked us for solving a mystery.
:'''Fred''': Good thing we're not in this to be liked. (''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look a little annoying to him'') Maybe that didn't come out quite right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''after being attacked by the slime monster'') Zoinks! Like, (''laughs nervously'') what was that?
:'''Fred''': (''getting out of the Mystery Machine'') It looks like a mystery to me, and I think that's just a little more important than school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''finds locket'') Fred, I found something! ''(Opens locket and music plays)''
:'''Fred''': Huh. Could be a clue! Good work Daphne!
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred. You're so sweet.... ''(looks up. Fred has walked away, looking for clues)'' It's okay. We can talk later, um.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, you see what happens when you kids stick your noses where they don't belong? People get cocooned!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, we found them like that!
:'''Daphne''': (''trying to show what she means with her hands'') Sheriff, there was a monster--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Quiet. From this point forward this is a ''crime scene'' and future tourist attraction - stay out of it. (''walks away'')
:'''Velma''': I gotta stay out of it right here. (''holds up fist'')
:'''Fred''': Let me talk to him. (''walks away'')
:'''Daphne''': (''dreamily'') Don't worry. Fred will make him understand.
:'''Fred''': (''runs back carrying body'') Shaggy, start the car!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I thought you were going to talk to him!
:'''Fred''': He wasn't in a listening mood.
:'''Velma''': (''opens back of the van'') So you stole a body? Rockin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''Angel opens door. Fred is lying down with his head on the record player'') Fred? Fred, it's us. We're here for you. (''sits down next to him. Scooby Doo licks his hair'')
:'''Fred''': It's no use, gang. I was the one who stole the body and Professor Raffalo paid the price. I should have listened to my dad and stayed out of any new mysteries.
:'''Velma''': We all helped steal the body, Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, I actually never took pa- (''Velma elbows him in the ribs'') Okay, fine, yes we all took part, Freddie.
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, you've never backed away from a mystery in your life.
:'''Fred''': I've got nothing!
:'''Velma''': Man up, Fred! We still have our first clue, the cocoon! I brought a sample - Scooby, what are you doing? (''Scooby is eating the slime from the cocoon'')
:'''Scooby''': What? Rit's Ruitmeiers! Yummy! (''Starts eating again'')
:'''Velma''': Eww!
:'''Angel''': Check it out. If that dog mutates, I'm putting it down. Dead.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. I think I get it. (''walks over and tastes the slime'')
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': Ew!
:'''Shaggy''': No, you guys, it's Fruitmeier's! The cocoon is made of the same stuff as Fruitmeier's Deserts.
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': What? (''They all get up and taste it'')
:'''Daphne''': You're right. But if the cocoon is made of Fruitmeier's Deserts...
:'''Shaggy''': That means if we capture the monster, we can have our own shop. And we can have an endless supply of Fruitmeier's Deserts. Oh boy.
:'''Fred''': No. It means that that slime mutant may not be a monster at all. What do we know about Franklin Fruitmeier?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Franklin Fruitmeier. Showed up in town out of nowhere two months ago. Before that, nothing. He's hiring right now for female servers.
:'''Fred''': And that's our in.
:'''Shaggy''': If the girls can get jobs at Fruitmeier's, they can snoop around and find out more.
:'''Fred''': Great idea, Shag!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''he and Scooby are dressed as girls''). Uh, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why are Scooby Doo and I dressed like girls when Velma and Daphne ''are'' girls?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. My skirts too tight.
:'''Daphne''': Because Velma and I refused. (''Shaggy and Scooby glare at them'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': This is gonna be awesome! (''the cage eventually falls on him, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma. The slime monster laughs and covers them in slime. Daphne gasps, then sees the slime mutant next to her'')
:'''Daphne''': Aaaahhh!!! (''runs'')
:'''Velma''': Daphne, run! (''Daphne runs past and jumps through hole in the ceiling, followed by slime mutant'')
:(''Scooby starts eating slime'')
:'''Fred''': Eat, gang! It's Fruitmeier's!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Fred! You saved me!
:'''Fred''': Not right now, Daphne. I have to figure out why my trap didn't work.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What is going on here?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why is the town's latest tourist attraction cocooned to the wall?
:'''Fred''': Dad! Sheriff! Hold on. You don't understand. That is not a monster.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oh, hopping steamed clams, Fred. Then who is it?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne''': Franklin Fruitmeier.
:'''Velma''': He was trying to rob Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Uhh, that's impossible. Franklin Fruitmeier's the one who called us. (''Franklin arrives'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Franklin''': I was making a clipper ship out of circus balloons when the silent alarm rang at my home. Oh, good gracious! What is that?
:'''Shaggy''': But if the monster isn't Franklin Fruitmeier, then, dude, who is it?
:(''Scooby unmasks The Slime Mutant'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Emmanuel Raffalo?
:'''Emmanuel''': That's right. I was trying to scare people away from the sewers while I dug my way into the bank and got rich.
:'''Daphne''': But you've got a job as a teacher. Why do you need more money?
:(''Emmanuel doesn't answer'')
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, my bad.
:'''Fred''': Oh, yeah, right.
:'''Shaggy''': You're really getting ripped off.
:'''Emmanuel''': I discovered that the Crystal Cove caves were connected to the sewer by accident while collecting mold spores for my class. Once I realized the cave led right under the bank, I put my plan into motion. Fruitmeier's gave me secret access to the sewer, so I decided to frame balloon boy for the crime by using his disgusting dessert. I staged my own disappearance to throw doubt on any hint of my involvement. Oh, it was foolproof, genius. That is, until you... you--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Meddling.
:'''Emmanuel''': Meddling. Yes, meddling kids and your blasted dog ruined everything.
:'''Daphne''': Wait. (''shows the locket'') What about this locket we found where you were digging?
:'''Emmanuel''': Never seen it before.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right. Well, guess we owe you kids thanks. You did save the bank. Although you also lost the town a serious revenue stream. Stream of revenue!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': You okay, Daph?
:'''Daphne''': I just don't get it. If this locket didn't belong to Professor Raffalo, then who?
:(''The telephone rings, Shaggy pressed the button'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, K-Ghoul 101.4. What can we scare up for you, daddy-o?
:'''Mr. E''': You're all doomed.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, uh-uh-- Like, who--who is this?
:'''Mr. E''': You can call me Mr. E. You should never have brought that locket out of the cave. You don't know what you've uncovered.
:'''Daphne''': Uncovered? Uncovered what?
:'''Mr. E''': A truth that should have remained hidden the truth behind the curse of Crystal Cove. The ''real'' mystery has just begun.
:'''Scooby''': Scooby... Dooby... Doo.

===The Creeping Creatures===
:'''Scooby''': What is it?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, um, I think it's a box.
:(''Fred and Daphne glare at him annoyed'')
:(''Fred opens the box'')
:'''Velma''': (''picks up a card inside'') It's from Mr. E! (''reads'') Saved this for a rainy day. Enjoy.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. E gives me the creeps. (''Fred starts to open the box'') Fred, careful. That could be a bomb! (''Fred pulls out a purse'') Ooh, strike that. Cute purse! (''reaches for it, but Velma takes it'')
:'''Fred''': Check it out! ''100% pure gator. Made in Gatorsburg''!
:'''Scooby''': Ratorsburg?
:'''Daphne''': But that's impossible! Gatorsburg hasn't manufactured Gator products in decades!
:'''Velma''': Not since the gator mines dried up!
:'''Scooby''': Rator mines?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Gang, we have a mystery on our hands!
:'''Velma''': Oh, sweet Christmas, finally!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Hello?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Yello.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Yes?
:'''Velma''': (''into phone'') Hey, Mom. We're stuck in Gatorsburg.
:'''Fred''': (''into phone'') The van broke down.
:'''Daphne''': (''into phone'') Think you could come and get us?
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Oh, I wish I could, but tonight's race night! You know me and horses! Venus is in it's third retro grade which means I'm betting on Sick Little Monkey to show.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Meddling mushroom caps, Fred! I've already got the recliner in the reclined position. There's no going back from that.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Oh, sweetie, it's dark out. I can't go out in the dark. (''Fred, Daphne, and Velma hang up'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''calls and gets the answering machine'') Oh, wait. Duh. It's still life night.
:'''Velma''': (''slyly'') I guess we're here for the whole night.
:'''Scooby''': And Scooby Dooby too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greta Gator''': I got a few hotel rules. (''Fred enters the room, but Greta blocks Daphne and Velma'') Rule number one: Boys and girls in separate rooms. No exceptions!
:'''Velma''': Then I guess I'm with you, Daphne.
:'''Greta''': I said ''no exceptions''!
:'''Velma''': But, I'm a girl.
:'''Greta''': Oh, right. Rule number two: stay in your rooms, no matter what you hear. That includes screams, moans, wails, pounding, claws scratching, and anything that sounds like a body being dragged across a hard-wood floor.
:'''Fred''': Okayy...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''showing Daphne his trap scrapbook'')....and I left a few pages blank, you know, for future traps.
:'''Daphne''': (''extremely bored'') Good thinking. (''Scooby bursts into the room, terrified and panting'')
:'''Fred''': Scoob! What's the matter?
:'''Daphne''': He's trying to tell us something! (''Scooby tries to show them what he means'')
:'''Fred''': Tater people! Uh, crater sneeple? (''Scooby starts wheezing'') Skater feeple!
:'''Daphne''': (''stands up'') Gator people! (''Scooby sighs in relief'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police car arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Time to find out who these greedy gators really are. (''unmasks the Creeping Creatures'')
:'''Daphne''': Grady Gator?
:'''Shaggy''': Greta Gator?
:'''Scooby''': Gunther Gator?
:'''Fred''': But why?
:'''Grady''': After we ran out of gators, everybody moved OUT of Gatorsburg. But not us.
:'''Greta''': This here's our HOME.
:'''Daphne''': So with no alligators left, you decided to make imitation gator products and pass them off as real.
:'''Velma''': But you couldn't have anyone snooping around Gatorsburg. So you created the Creeping Creatures to scare people away.
:'''Fred''': Then you could run your gator ring without anyone knowing who you were or what you were up to.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is one ridiculous plan.
:'''Gunther''': And you know what? We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling juveniles and your unauthorized investigation of our synthetic gator accessories.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': You're telling me this gator stuff is fake? I paid a fortune for this track suit!
:'''Velma''': Sorry, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sighs'') Man, I gotta get out of this suit. This fake gator doesn't breathe. I'm starting to smell a little... ''funky''. Arrest them... even though I have absolutely NO JURISDICTION HERE! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Wait, Sheriff. can you give us a ride? The Mystery Machine isn't...
:(''The engine of Mistery Machine is revving'')
:'''Everyone''': (''gasp'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, there's no engine in the Mystery Machine. It's haunted!
:(''Fred opens the hood, there's a letter of Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': It's from Mr. E.
:'''Daphne''': (''opens the letter and reads'') &quot;Hope you had a good time in Gatorsburg. But be warned, there are more mysteries to come. This is only one piece of the puzzle.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Puzzle? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I've got a bad feeling we're gonna find out. Oh.
:(''The lightning appears loudly in the sky, Shaggy grabs Scooby whimpering'')

===The Secret of the Ghost Rig===
:'''Police Officer''': You realize you were speeding?
:'''Teenage Driver''': Y-yes, I do, Officer.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, as long as you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Ah, Fred my boy! Today is a very exciting day for you, because today you learn the family business: politics!
:'''Fred''': Politics? That's ''adult'' stuff! You know, kids my age are into traps and solving mysteries!
:'''Mayor Jones''': No they're not, son! You're going to learn all the vital things I do for this community, like create pamphlets and strategize about new places to put parking meters.
:'''Velma''': I know a place he can put another parking meter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rung''': Anyway, give me a jingle and we'll plan a magical night on the town. (''glances at his watch'') Oh yeah, the life of the seventh largest regional ladder manufacturer never stops. Sorry, but I gotta ''rung''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Are you trying to set me up with - ''him''? What about Fred?
:'''Mr. Blake''': You're just friends, right?
:'''Daphne''': Well, yeah - but we're really good friends. And I don't know, it feels like cheating. On a friend.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Darling, think of it like trying a new cut of meat. Why have ''ground beef'', when you can have a nice prime rib?
:'''Daphne''': But I don't even like meat! I like vegetables. Like Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': What's going on here - (''notices George Avocados'') Avocados.
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''flirtatiously'') You know, Shag, I have plenty of food back at my place.
:'''Shaggy''': Um, like, thanks Velma, but Scooby Doo has had his tongue tattooed with a map of every single pizza joint in town. As you can see, we got it covered.
:'''Velma''': Yeah, in drool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And so you're saying this ghost truck disappeared like a, uh... ghost truck.
:'''Scooby''': Yep, that's pretty much it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, looks like you kids might have stumbled onto a new tourist attraction.
:'''Shaggy''': ''Tourist attraction''? Like, man, it nearly dumped us in the cove!
:'''Velma''': Besides, we're not even sure it was a ghost!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm sorry, but didn't you say there was no driver? That's textbook ghost truck, case closed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I ''knew'' it! Anyone with hair that perfect has to be guilty of ''something''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''caught in Fred's trap'') Screaming pandas, what is the meaning of this?
:'''Fred''': Dad, we think George Avocados is the ghost trucker, and he's trying to sabotage your reelection!
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's completely absurd. Why would a ghost drive a truck when everyone knows they can fly? Especially an eighteen wheeler, those require a Class ''Six'' license.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Nice going, Raggy. (''laughs'') Good job.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Pickled porcupines. What's going on here, Fred? I was in my office working late, when suddenly it sounds like some demonic force is tearing apart city hall. Tell me it's true.
:'''Fred''': It's even better, dad. We caught the Ghost Trucker. And he's none other than...
:'''The Ghost Trucker''': Let me out of here! Aaah! (''crawls from out of the Ghost Truck and falls to the ground'') Uhh!
:'''Everyone''': Rung Ladderton?
:'''Rung''': Ooh, ahh, shock. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling... peers.
:'''Daphne''': Of course. It all makes sense. Rung was using the Ghost Truck to smuggle doorknobs out of Crystal Cove, so he could find Theodore Avocados' missing diamond.
:'''Fred''': Avocados disguised the diamond as a doorknob. That's why it was never found.
:'''Rung''': You are correct, my little ascot-wearing friend, but that idiot Avocados didn't say in his journal which crystal knob was really the diamond. So, I had to steal 'em all. And what better way than with a Ghost Truck to smuggle them all out of town?
:'''Velma''': We should have known. The other guy who bought the tires was G. Nurno Treddal, a name far too ridiculous to be real, because it's Rung Ladderton spelled backwards!
:'''Fred''': But Rung, you're rich. You've got everything: ladders, ascots. Why did you need a diamond?
:'''Rung''': I inherited a ladder company. We make the one product in the world that no one ever replaces. Ladders don't wear out like TVs or personal trainers over 40. (''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Rung'') No, no. They're built to last, which means no sales. The company's broke.
:'''Daphne''': I don't think you'll be needing this anymore. (''removes Rung's orange ascot'')
:(''Sheriff Stone takes Rung into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Thanks, Daph.
:'''Daphne''': No worries. I'm always here for you, Fred. (''removes the purple ascot and puts the orange one to Fred'') Seriously, right here.
:'''Mayor Jones''': I gotta hand it to you, Fred. Your traps actually came in handy this time.
:'''Fred''': Gee, dad. Does this mean you finally accept what I want to do with my life?
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''laughs'') Oh Fred. No.

===Revenge of the Man Crab===
:'''Dylan''': Here, I brought some water.
:'''Brenda''': Ew, I don't want any of that fatty fat water! I want Trickells' Trickquid!
:'''Dylan''': Trickell's Trickquid ''is'' water.
:'''Brenda''': Um, ''no'', it's one hundred percent diet moisture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Ugh, not that place! That guy's a total freak!
:'''Shaggy''': No, he's, like, totally cool! Just ''don't mention his nose''.
:'''Velma''': Hey there, Cappy! What happened to the old sniffer? (''Shaggy groans'')
:'''Skipper Shelton''': What ''happened''? I'll tell it for you! It was a clam that took it, fierce and mighty was he, and reduced me to wearing facial underwear he did! But I'll find him, and I won't stop shucking till I do. Understand?
:'''Velma''': Yes sir, Captain Admiral, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': You know, we're still close to the water. All kinds of fish in there.
:'''Fred''': (''watching the volleyball game'') Yep, they're so beautiful!
:'''Daphne''': The ''girls''?
:'''Fred''': No, the nets!
:'''Daphne''': The nets?
:'''Fred''': I wonder what their tensile strength is? They're nylon, absolutely ''perfect'' for traps!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We can't let that thing get away!
:'''Shaggy''': Sure we can, Fred! All we have to do is stand right here!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, stand right here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wow, who are you trying to impress?
:'''Daphne''': What, this old thing? I've had it forever. I just want to do a good job. Would you rub oil on my back? Fred likes shiny things, and I'm tired of him staring at nets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There's a book over here. Daphne read a book once. And that chair, Daphne liked to sit in chairs. And that card catalogue over there -
:'''Velma''': Not helping, Fred.
:'''Fred''': I know. What's wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, Daphne? Let me ask you something. If you liked a boy -
:'''Daphne''': ''Who'' told you? Was it one of my sisters? [ Daphne mad at Velma] Dawn! Ha! She thinks she's so perfect. Well, what no one knows is, she has a sixth toe on her -
:'''Velma''': Um, what are you talking about?
:'''Daphne''': I - clearly, not what you were talking about...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we've got him!
:'''Velma''': Good going! But how did you find your way out?
:'''Scooby''': (''sniffing'') Clam cones.
:'''Velma''': You were saved by junk food?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what can I say? Junk food and me have a very special relationship.
:'''Velma''': Maybe I should ask it for advice.
:'''Fred''': Speaking of clam cones, I see Skipper Shelton isn't around again. Or are you, Skipper? (''unmasks the Man Crab'')
:'''Skipper''': (''arrives'') Ah, back from the Laundromat, I am. And once more does me nose-hammock smell fresh as the morning tide.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, if you're not the Man Crab, then who...?
:'''Velma''': Everyone, meet Bud Shelton. (''grabs Bud's head out of Man Crab disguise'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': Who?
:'''Velma''': The Trickell's Triquid mascot.
:'''Bud''': And the inventor, not that dirtball, Trickell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, how did you know, Velma?
:'''Velma''': I knew it wasn't a real crab because Daphne never got allergic when she was around it. Plus, when I saw the mole pattern on the cheek of man next to Trickell in the newspaper, I remembered the same pattern on the mascot.
:'''Bud''': He took the credit for my creation. It was supposed to be called Bud's Bloosh. I was still working on the name. I spent countless hours making the Man Crab costume and even more time building my system of trap doors and stairs under the beach. And in case anyone came snooping in between kidnappings, I hid my costume in a locker big enough to hold it, putting a label with Skipper's name on it over the real label. So if anyone found it, they'd blame him.
:'''Daphne''': All that work just to get back at Mr. Trickell? Wouldn't it have been easier and-- more legal to sue him?
:'''Bud''': Are you kidding? Lawyers take forever. I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling brats probing into my crustacean-themed revenge scheme.
:'''Skipper''': Well, &quot;almost&quot; doesn't shuck the clam, (''to Scooby'') does it, wolfie?
:(''Skipper and Scooby laugh'')
:'''Scooby''': I have no idea what you're talking about.

===The Song of Mystery===
:'''Velma''': Shaggy, you promised me you weren't going to use the word 'like' so much. It makes you sound ignorant.
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, right. Like, um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': They can't just leave all the kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone:''' They'll be fine. We'll air drop in some freeze dried camp food. Just because they're 'spookified' doesn't mean they can't reconstitute macaroni!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Here, pick out a new pair of pants.
:'''Shaggy''': What's wrong with my pants?
:'''Velma''': You promised me you were going to start caring more about your appearance.
:'''Shaggy''': But I like those pants.
:'''Velma''': You've worn them since the eight grade.
:'''Shaggy''': They're comfortable pants
:'''Velma''': Fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': (''giving tour'') This is the location of the most recent attack by the creature that's been spookifying the children of Crystal Cove. (''notices the gang'') Velma, sweetheart, how are you? (''yelling'') Sheriff, they're back!
:'''Velma''': ''Mom'', please! We just wanted to see what was happening!
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': There's nothing to see. Not unless you're paying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': The peoples have long told the tale of Qué Horrífico. A normal man by day, but every sundown he changes into Qué Horrífico. He roams through the villages and plays his song of mystery on a pan flute, turning the childrens into... ''Terriblegatos''!
:'''Fred''': In America, we call it 'getting spookified'.
:'''Dr. Portillo''': That is good enough, thank you. Eventually, he takes them to his spooky town, or cave or something. There's a lot of debate on that, who can really know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Fred Jones, Jr. You were supposed to meet me in the library for your civics tutoring.
:'''Fred''': Mary Anne, I can't. I have something important I need to do.
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': What could possibly be more important than ''civics''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': Oh no! I think - I think [the transformation] is happening! Oh no! It's happening! It's happening! AHHH! Here it comes! Oh, I so scared! I so scared! Here it comes! Oh - No, it's just gas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': This is nice.
:'''Fred''': Watch it, Daphne! Remember, we're married; don't look so happy!
:'''Velma''': It's almost sunset. We'd better get inside.
:'''Fred''': Right. (''loudly'') Come, two young children, it's bedtime! Grandma's gonna tell you a story!
:'''Shaggy''': Oh goodie!
:'''Fred''': Quick, get inside.
:(''Inside, ready for trap'')
:'''Scooby''': Aren't you going to tell us a story?
:'''Velma''': Yes, The End. Now shh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Mayor Jones and Sheriff Stone arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': What in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?
:'''Fred''': We got him, dad.
:(''Scooby unmasks Qué Horrífico'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': You mean her.
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy''': Mary Anne Gleardan.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Your tutor? But why?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': I was trying to scare all the adults out of Crystal Cove so I could run the city my way. (''hocking'') (''to Fred'') I told you, I have brilliant ideas. (''to everyone'') With all the adults gone, there's be no one to stand in my way. I learned about the legend of Qué Horrífico in Dr. Portillo's honors class. It was the perfect solution. I used the high school's theater department for my costume. I went to every kindergarten and elementary school in the city to convince the children to pretend to be spookified. In return I offered them Utopia! When that didn't work, I offered them candy. Whenever the children heard me playing the pan flute, that was their signal to put on their fake hair and fangs and commence spookification. I almost had the whole town cleared of adults. I would have, too, if it weren't for you (''speaks latin'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': (''sighs'') Loosely translated it means &quot;Meddlesome kids&quot; in latin.
:'''Arthur''': I'm going home. I miss my mom and dad. (''The other kids say goodbyes and walk into their homes'') By the way, this was lame.
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Mary Anne'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Wait, you're taking me to jail? But I'm just a kid!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Do you know how many boxes we're stuck with of Qué Horrífico t-shirts, Qué Horrífico pamphlets, Qué Horrífico dance CDs, Qué Horrífico--?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Okay, okay. I see your point.

===The Legend of Alice May===
:'''Daphne''': I'm telling you, she's up to something!
:'''Fred''': C'mon, Daphne. So, Alice was using the shower and hanging out in the school basement late at night. Haven't we all?
:'''Daphne''': What if Alice is the ghost girl the Sheriff mentioned? You could be in danger, Fred.
:'''Fred''': Don't you think I'd know if she were a ghost girl?
:'''Velma''': I'd be willing to bet... no.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, what do we really know about Alice?
:'''Fred''': You mean, besides the fact that she's super nice, and her hair smells like peaches, and sometimes I get lost in her eyes, and -
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, do you like this girl?
:'''Fred''': (''points at his &quot;watch&quot;'') Wow, look at the time.
:'''Daphne''': You're not wearing a watch, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': Oh. Well, I'd better go find one, then!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Looks like your ghost girl's building herself... a ''man posse''.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, what if Fred's her latest possum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delilah''': Hey, baby sis. Something got you down.
:'''Daphne''': Hey, Delilah. It's okay, I'm fine.
:'''Delilah''': No, no, I can tell. Same way I can tell when I look in the eyes of the enemy and see their cold, grey heart and know it's either me, or them.
:'''Daphne''': Uh, okay...
:'''Delilah''': Ah, boy trouble. I've been Fear's bunkmate before. Let me tell you a story. There was a beach. Enemy dug in along the shore. They picked us off one by one but I knew I had to get my men through, ''understand''?
:'''Daphne''': No.
:'''Delilah''': All right, here's another story -
:'''Daphne''': Delilah, really, don't worry. I'm gonna figure this out.
:'''Delilah''': I hear you. Call if you need me. ''Whoo-aahh''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, wow! I didn't know this year's prom theme was terror and pandemonium!
:'''Velma''': What's going on?
:'''Ethan''': Somebody's ''mom'' is trying to kill Fred.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, thanks, ''Mystery Geeks'', for wrecking our prom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost Girl''': Don't touch me!
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Hazy fantasie, Fred. Didn't you hear me when I said, &quot;if you see a ghost girl, do not go to the prom with her.&quot;?
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, dad. She may look like a ghost girl, but in reality she's... (''unmasks the ghost girl'') Alice May. Or she's also known as...
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Alice Carlswell May.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Carlswell? As in Deacon Carlswell? The Creeper?
:'''Alice''': That is right. He was my dad. When daddy was in prisoned, I vowed revenge on those who put him there. I used his old costume to construct my own. When I found the legend of the evil ghost girl online, I was ready to spring my trap. I grabbed that fool Randy to throw you all off the track. And I kept him hidden and fed in my father's crypt until I could let him go. After that, it was just a matter of getting rid of your precious leader, and Fred. I'm going to zap your gang the way ''you'' feeded my father. And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling... ''schoolmates''... of mine.

===In Fear of the Phantom===
:'''Fred''': Perfect! Daphne's our phantom bait.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, this is so exciting - wait. ''Bait''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now let me get this straight; these T-shirts are fifty dollars each, this is cotton, right? The kind that comes from cows?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, you need to focus. The phantom has already taken Daphne!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Right. Where's Daphne?
:'''Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and The Hex Girls''': The phantom took her away!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now we're getting somewhere! And by the way, what's wrong with the Jones kid? He's acting a little... ''squirrely''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Daphne. ''Now''. I need to talk to her.
:'''Daphne''': (''dressed as crush'') Daphne's gone. Call me Crush.
:'''Fred''': Darn it, lady, I'm serious! Where is she?
:'''Daphne''': Urgh, Fred. It's me, okay?
:'''Fred''': Uh... oh. I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. I'm not a guy anymore.
:'''Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': I have feelings! I care!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': If you had a lizard face, I'd still love you, Scooby.
:'''Scooby''': And I'd love you, Harry. More Sandwich?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, okay, you know what? Enough! You can't replace me with a ''dummy''!
:'''Scooby''': Do you hear something, Harry?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, there ''is'' no Harry. Harry is you, and like, dude, I am your best friend!
:'''Harry''': Um, no, I don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Why don't you just stay out of it, Harry? And, like, stop watching Vincent van Ghoul movies. That's mine and Scooby Doo's thing!
:'''Harry''': ''Really''? Cause Scooby Doo thought you cared more about girls and going to proms! (''Shaggy begins to wrestle with 'Harry' before realizing that Harry's a puppet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Wait, wha - what am I ''doing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Bug-eyed biscuits, Fred. Couldn't you have waited until after the show to catch the phantom?
:'''Fred''': Sorry, dad. Not with Daphne in danger. (''unmasks the phantom'')
:'''Everyone''': Daniel Frizette?
:'''Shaggy''': Or, like, should we call you Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Hex Girls''': Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Gus''': Doth my eye shadow deceive? How did you know?
:'''Fred''': The villain had to be someone close to the Hex Girls to access the stage.
:'''Shaggy''': And the Hex Girls' equipment.
:'''Scooby''': And their bus.
:'''Velma''': Someone with a grudge against the Hex Girls.
:'''Daniel''': The Hex Girls took my career. I tried to get revenge by writing bad songs for them, but they can make anything a hit. So, I became the phantom. And I'd do it again if it weren't for the uncanny boy band knowledge of you meddling brats!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go.

===The Grasp of the Gnome===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': No admittance.  This is a quarantined area.  Besides, the movie's already started.
:'''Scooby''': You're showing ''them'' a movie?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, aren't they, like, frozen with gnomey magic?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I already saw the movie. Believe me, magically frozen is the perfect viewing state to be in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who you really are. (''unmasks the Gnome'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Scooby''': (''gasp'') The Court Fool? Uh-Oh.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': That's my husband, Gill Littlefoot! What did you think you were doing, fool? (''hits Gill with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': What I've wanted to do for years: Frame you for the gnome attacks. And once you were out of the way, take your fortune for my own. (''Amanda hits him again'') Ow! Will you stop that?
:'''Velma''': But you're too tall. How could you ever be the gnome?
:'''Gill''': There's a reason our family name is ''Littlefoot''. (''takes off the gnome disguise to reveal his real size'') (''Everyone gasp'') I planned this over a year. And while I've always hid my tiny legs, this finally provided me a way to make them useful. Since Amanda's dislike of pirates was well known, I planted her earring on a victim, hoping to throw suspicion her way. I used my toxin-coated gloves to paralyze all the pirates, but you would not ''quit''. The beautiful part is that because of my--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I believe the medical term is ''baby legs''.
:'''Gill''': No one would have ever suspected me. That is, until you, meddling, gnome-hating, pirate-loving--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, yeah, Shrimpo, we got the picture.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': (''annoyed'') All these years, you've looked down on me. Now it turns out I'm actually taller than you. (''hits Gill again with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': Ow!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go, little footy. (''laughs'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Boy, I had big plans for him! Thanks for nothing-- again.
:'''Fred''': Anytime, pop.

===Battle of The Humungonauts===
:'''Mayor Jones''': So they didn't show! I don't see why we couldn't just seize the ticket money as evidence. Prancing piccolos, Fred. One of your traps actually worked!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Greetings, big and hairy space travelers. As a representative of planet Earth, I welcome you.
:'''Velma''': I'm afraid these two aren't space travelers, Sheriff. I'd like to introduce (''unmasks the Green Humungonaut'') Max Minner and (''unmasks the Red Humungonaut'') Jax Minner.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's the Minner brothers? They've been taking care of all of Crystal Cove's insurance needs for years.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But how did you know they'd both show up here?
:'''Velma''': All I did was double insure the boat repair shop with a policy from both brothers. You see, each brother was only attacking the places the other brother insured.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But why?
:'''Max''': What do you think? Money.
:'''Jax''': And the fact that we can't stand each other.
:'''Max''': Oh, yeah. That, too.
:'''Jax''': This intense dislike started back when we were circus strongmen. We had just come up with a great idea for our act: The Hercules apes...
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Humongonauts is catchier.
:'''Jax''': When this jerk decides to break up our act and join a rival circus.
:'''Max''': Huh! You were just jealous.
:'''Jax''': We became bitter enemies who, as chance would have it, both went into the insurance business here in Crystal Cove.
:'''Max''': After that, we each focused on the same thing: Destroying each other's business.
:'''Jax''': And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for...
:'''Max and Jax''': My meddling brother! (''look each other'') What? ''Why you?'' (''start fighting'')
:'''Velma''': Mystery solved.

===Howl of The Fright Hound===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What's going on? I heard what sounded like some sort of hideous, undying machine in here.
:'''Daphne''': We've solved the mystery of the Fright Hound.
:'''Fred''': And your culprit is... (''opens the hood of the mysterious person'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Jason's mother of Bendy?
:'''Mrs. Wyatt''': That's right, it was me all along. I saw how you treated my Jason at school. So naturally I did what any mother would do. I built a demonic robot dog to kill you! I framed your little doggy friend to break you up, leaving Jason a clear shot at his true love. But when you showed up and blamed him of all things, I decided to GET RID OF YOU ALL! I gave up a career in military robotics to raise my son, not to watch him get triped on!
:'''Jason''': Now Velma will never want to be my girlfriend. And she would have, too, if it weren't for my meddling mom!
:'''Velma''': I'm sorry, Jason. I should have been clearer with you earlier. But you and me, it's just not gonna happen. But we can still be friends.
:'''Jason''': Really?
:'''Velma''': Yeah. You took that very well.
:'''Jason''': And you touched my knuckle again. Ha ha! (''kisses his fingers'')

===The Secret Serum===
:'''Vampire''': Aaahh! Let me go! I'll drain you all!
:'''Daphne''': Mom! Your vampiring is tearing this family apart! I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice. I'm going to have to stake you.
:'''Vampire''': Wait! I'm not a vampire! I'm-- (''unmasks herself'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Sheila Altoonian.
:'''Daphne''': But why?
:'''Sheila''': Isn't it obvious? My looks are starting to fade.
:'''Shaggy''': No. You're gorgeous.
:'''Fred''': No. Your skin is as tight as my ascot.
:'''Sheila''': This is all your mother's fault. We're the same age, but she's so beautiful. She has the skin of a teenager. That's when I realized she must be a vampire. I went to the Dinkley Shop to do a little research and found the recipe for the youth juice. That potion was gonna make me young and beautiful ''forever''. You see, in college I majored in zoology and acrobatics, studying the habits of flying squirrels. I propelled myself into the air with my quad and glute muscles. All this gave me the illusion of a real flying Vampire.
:'''Daphne''': Why didn't you just try maybe wearing a little less makeup? Or a cuter haircut? Or use tape to pull back all your wrinkly sacks of. (''grabs her cheeks with hands'') You know, age gracefully.
:'''Sheila''': Age gracefully? Are you crazy? No, the Vampire serum was my only hope. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling--
:'''Nan Blake''': What's going on here?
:'''Daphne''': Mom!
:'''Sheila''': Even now, she's stealing my moment.
:'''Daphne''': I'm so glad you're not an undead creature of darkness.
:'''Nan Blake''': Thanks, honey.
:'''Daphne''': But what are you doing here? Why have you been sneaking out?
:'''Nan Blake''': I didn't want to say anything, but I've been taking night classes. I'm getting my public notary degree!
:'''Velma''': Oh, how exciting.
:'''Shaggy''': What an opportunity.
:'''Nan Blake''': You know, I may be outrageously gorgeous, but knowledge, knowledge is the key to true beauty. Well, I better get going. I have to figure out what a notary is before tomorrow's final exam. (''laughs'')

===The Shrieking Madness===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.
:(''Fred ties the Char Gar Gothakon's mouth with ascot'')
:'''Velma''': This is no monster. (''unmasks Char Gar Gothakon'') It's Howard E. Roberts, Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan. Just as I suspected.
:'''Shaggy''': Suspected how?
:'''Velma''': Think about it. We found a book written by Hatecraft, with sentences underlined that smelled like Char Gar Gothakon.
:'''Howard''': Of course it was me. Someone had to defend the Professor against his critics. And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation? Fortunately, I'd taken a class in the military application of sonic shriek technology at the learning annex. Although, in retrospect, it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.
:'''Everyone''': Ah, so that was the smell!
:'''Velma''': But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?
:'''Howard''': That's when he had to fall. And he would have, too, if it weren't for the dark elder forces conspiring in the inky black of time most foul! Oh. And you meddling kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police takes Howard into custody'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': H.P., are you all right?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Harlan. Yes. Just an overeager fan who got carried away.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Fans. Imbeciles fit only to be gnawed by rabid rats.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Yes. Someone could write a book.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': How about, &quot;A boy and his fans&quot;, by Harlan Ellison and H.P. Hatecraft?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': I was thinking something more along the lines of, &quot;Shavu-ra hatafar, the fan that had no name&quot;.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Except, uh, you just named it.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't start with me, Ellison.

===When the Cicada Calls===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I don't think it's Dr. Yantz!
:'''Velma''': Really? You think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, get him!
:(''Scooby grabs the Cicada Creature's hat'')
:'''Everyone''': Grandma Moonbeam?
:(''Sheriff Stone, Mayor Jones and the photographer arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Did we miss it? Where are the bugs?
:'''Fred''': You're the Cicada Creature? But why?
:'''Grandma Moonbeam''': Isn't it obvious? I wanted to shut down Destroido. I found out they added a secret ingredient to make nature slivers more tasty: Landfill waste! I demanded that they return to my original healthy recipe, but they refused, and because they owned it, there was nothing I could DO. I vowed to get even. I saw a Norwegian documentary about a researcher using sound waves to control penguins' movements. I decided to adapt the idea for my revenge. Since I didn't have any penguins, I used cicadas. And I would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling young people.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, now, it's the big house for you, grandma. Let's go.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''sighs'') Why can't anything in this town ever turn out to be real?
:'''Fred''': Glad we could help, dad.
:'''Velma''': Well, another mystery successfully solved.

===Mystery Solvers Club State Finals===
:'''Taffy-Dare''': i was born in 1994 when i was a kid in 1997
:'''Velma''': Look at that. For the time ever, the sidekicks have solved the mystery.
:'''Scooby''': Now, let's see exactly who Lord Infernicus is. (''unmasks the Lord Infernicus'')
:'''Everyone''': The Funky Phantom?!
:'''Mudsy''': That's me, don't you know.
:'''Scooby''': But why?
:'''Mudsy''': I was sick of being a sidekick. Resentful, even. I'm not a real ghost. I'm Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore, actor, thespian, dramatator. I was behind in my rent at the Y, so a friend told me about this clock I could squat in. When they found me and thought I was a ghost, I figured why not. Ghost gig got me 3 hots and a cot, but I got tired of taking a back seat, don't you know. I wanted to headline. I wanted to be the boss. In charge, even. With my own sidekicks. That's when I stumbled upon the mystery solvers state finals. I had workshopped my Lord Infernicus character at various comedy clubs and state fairs around the country. And it has always been a hit. It was a simple matter to use mirrors and a video projector to make myself appear and fly. A little smoke, fireworks, a skeleton puppet identical to my own bone structure for close-up work, a pre-recorded voice, and the deed was done. I even abducted my own cat Boo. The plan was to ship everyone off to Africa, where there is a desperate need for teenage mystery solvers. I then created the ruse with the Guinea pigs; sewing each of their tiny costumes by hand, using the actual vintage fabrics of their real life counterparts just to throw you off track. It was perfect. Genius, even. Until your ridiculous dog started acting like a HERO instead of a SIDEKICK.
:'''Scooby''': (''annoyed'') Ohhh.
:'''Boo the Cat''': You lied to me. Meow! (''attacks Mudsy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scoob, looks like you and your pals are the heroes of this mystery. Let's hear it for the sidekicks. Hip hip--
:'''Everyone''': Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

===The Wild Brood===
:'''Biker Dude''': Hey, little muffin, how 'bout you and me go for a moonlight ride?
:'''Girl''': No thanks, I'm allergic to the stink of desperation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Random Spanker Gang Member''': Let's go spank somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, this is such a romantic setting for our second date.
:'''Fred''': If you say so. All I know is, since my dad owns the place, we get free refills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Hold it right there, leather-wearing creepy. First section seven forty-one dot B of the Chrystal Cove bylaws; there are no monsters or monster-like creatures allowed in public areas.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Unless tickets are being sold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Wow, that was very... ''poetical''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Member of The Wild Brood''': Velma, do you believe in love at first sight?
:'''Velma''': In your case... no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Did you break into the armory and steal a rocket launcher?
:'''Orc''': No.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') See, I told you, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': My gratitude is yours, fair Daph.
:'''Fred''': ''Fair Daph''?! Listen here, ''Tusky'', only I get to call her Daph, and I never say fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': Crazy driving there, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': Thanks. And it's Fred. Unless we're dating, and then it's Freddie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Okay. Let's see who was trying to give the Wild Brood a bad name.
:(''The Orc unmasks the Impostor Orc'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Another geek?
:'''The Orcs''': Maxwell?
:'''Shaggy''':  Like, who's Maxwell?
:'''Odnarb''': He works in the copy room at our gaming company. Maxwell, why?
:'''Maxwell''': Why? I'll tell you why. You all thought you were so cool. You never let me join in the beta testing of any of your new video games. No, I was just the lowly copy boy. So I sought my revenge. I made a Wild Brood costume of my own. From that point on, all I had to do was steal a rocket launcher, grab someone to hack the computer to divert the train, reroute said train, board the train from a moving motorcycle, defeat the train's security system, blow up the bridge the train was on, which would cause the Swordfish console to be destroyed in a massive train wreck, ruining your careers and hopefully giving rise to my own in the process. Simple!
:'''Shaggy''': Dude. Seriously?
:'''Maxwell''': Overkill, huh? Well, it might have worked, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Am I right?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Velma''': Don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Not really.
:(''Maxwell feels sorry'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face'') And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (''drives away with Maxwell arrested'')
:'''Velma''': Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.
:'''Fred''': No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.
:'''Odnarb''': We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.
:'''Daphne''': Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddy. (''kisses Fred on the cheek'')
:'''Fred''': Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

===Where Aphrodite Walks===
:'''Soccer Player''': Fred missed another match. What he'd get, ''trapped''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': Run down that mangy mongrel! Run him down with the ''love''! Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Pericles''': The antidote to stop Aphrodite has several distinct components: Pewter, found in grout used only in stained glass windows of the eighteenth century. Ectoplasm, or as it's more commonly known, ghost mucus. And finally, rose quartz, mined in the caves beneath Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Silver plated seesaws, Fred, you're not in the love anymore? Then, I'm going to have to let out an unearthly howl and destroy you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Look, about what happened -
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, uh, about that...
:'''Velma''': We don't have to -
:'''Shaggy''': No, no way.
:'''Velma''': In fact, I'd prefer -
:'''Shaggy''': Absolutely. My thoughts exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We've got a great look for everyone!
:'''Shaggy''': Does mine involve wearing a skirt and lipstick?
:'''Daphne''': No...
:'''Shaggy''': Awesome!
:'''Daphne:''': But Scooby's does!
:'''Scooby:''' Not fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': I am the goddess of love! Bow at the feet of Aphrodite!
:'''Velma''': I think you mean Amanda. (''unmasks Aphrodite'') Amanda Smythe?
:'''Amanda Smythe''': Oh, you think you're so smart. Do you know how it feels to be humiliated? Me, the smartest and most gifted student in the history of Crystal Cove, laughed at by everyone in this school.
:'''Velma''': Well, actually...
:'''Amanda Smythe''': You know nothing! They had promised me I would be prom queen, but instead they pulled a hideous mask over my face: The face of a monster. They ridiculed me. I left Crystal Cove that night, but I promised that someday I would return. I had always been good at chemistry, so when I stumbled on the formula for an artificial pheromone that could make people lose their minds with love, I knew I would have my revenge.
:'''Daphne''': Why? You're pretty now.
:'''Amanda Smythe''': The scars run deep. I would reclaim the crown that was rightly mine, then I would destroy this town the way it destroyed me. My plan was genius! And I would have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for your olfactory-challenged sidekicks. (''The deputies arrest Amanda'')
:'''Pericles''': I am no one's sidekick.
:'''Scooby''': You said it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Well, Scooby Doo, like, you saved the day.
:'''Scooby''': And Pericles, too.
:'''Daphne''': I guess even a diabolical and criminal bird can change his evil in malevolent ways.
:'''Ed''': (''appears'') Highly doubtful.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''nervously'') Who--who are you?
:'''Ed''': I am an associate of Mr. E. Pericles left him a message that you should hear. (''plays the recorded tape'')
:'''Pericles''': ''It was I who gave Aphrodite the secret formula. Once that was accomplished, I could go after the real ingredients I needed to find. First, an ancient conquistador's ship manifest. Next, a stone piercing industrial-grade diamond drill bit. And finally, the geological reports from the Darrow Mining Company. Your move, Mr. E.'' (''The tape ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Okay, can I get a teeny little time-out here? What does any of that stuff have to do with anything?
:'''Ed''': The curse of the haunted treasure, an ancient fortune left behind by the conquistadors that first settled this area. Legend has it that it is buried somewhere deep beneath us, and it now appears that Pericles is on the verge of discovering it. (''Everyone gasp'') And if he does, it could well mean the end of Crystal Cove. (''walks away'')

===Escape from Mystery Manor===
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang. Who's been served now, huh?
:'''Danny''': I won't deny it, you are a worthy opponent.
:'''Fred''': Gee, thanks. You're not bad yourself.
:'''Danny''': Was that a gage burrow strategy you used back there?
:'''Fred''': You recognized it? You know, I thought at first I'd go with the Orpheus proposition, but I didn't have any milk.
:'''Velma''': (''interrupts Fred'') Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but what's the big idea trying to kill us? And what's with this thing?
:'''Danny''': My treasure! I thought you had returned to steal it.
:'''Daphne''': Returned? I think you have us confused with the original Mystery Inc.
:'''Danny''': Say, now that you mention it, you don't look anything like I remember you. Especially that parrot over there.
:'''Scooby''': Thank you.
:'''Danny''': I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. What has become of me? I suppose it started that Halloween night. My family came upon a mysterious artifact, a key to finding the great cursed treasure rumored to lie beneath Crystal Cove. It corrupted us with greed. I had just gotten my hands on it when the earth shook and swallowed our entire house. My loved ones grew old and passed all around me, but I hardly even noticed. Then, those meddling kids showed up. They were after my treasure. I knew it! So I spied on them. And I booby-trapped the whole house in ways that would prey upon their weaknesses. Eh, but they left.
:'''Daphne''': So you've been waiting for them to come back all this time?
:'''Danny''': Truth be told, I kind of lost track. Has it really been that long? How do I look? Haven't let myself go, have I?
:'''Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Scooby''': You look fine.
:'''Daphne''': I love what you've done with your hair.
:'''Danny''': My whole life has been a waste. (''sits in the chair, dodges the booby-trap arrow launched by crossbow and laughs'') That's one of my earlier models.
:(''The Mansion begins rumbling and collapsing'')
:'''Shaggy''': What's going on?
:'''Danny''': All those traps going off must have awaken the area's fault line. (''falls on the floor broken in half'')
:'''Fred''': Quick, grab my hand!
:'''Danny''': Don't worry about me! (''The gang watches the ceiling breaking outside'') Now's your chance for escape.
:'''Velma''': But your treasure?
:'''Danny''': (''last words'') Keep it! And may it bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. (''The ceiling is still breaking, the light shines outside'') Now, through that crevice before it's too late!
:(''The gang escapes the Mansion collapsed leaving Danny Darrow alone'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': After all that, he saved us.
:'''Velma''': Or did we save him?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah. Like, he did say this wedge was...
:'''Scooby''': Cursed.
:'''Fred''': Whatever it is, it's our responsibility now. The question is, are there other pieces out there? And if there are, who else is looking for them?
:(''Mayor Jones watches the gang from the car window and drives away'')

===The Dragon's Secret===
:'''Fred''': Ta-da! The Brownberger B-41. It's the trapper's trap.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Spicy giblet ponies, Fred! Why do you have a geisha tied up in here? You know they belong downtown in Crystal Cove's geisha house of terror.
:'''Fred''': He's not a geisha, dad. He's a wizard. Or at least that's who he's pretending to be...
:(''Velma unmasks White Wizard'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Mr. Wang?
:'''Scooby''': Big surprise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': What?! Wang?! Why?!
:'''Mr. Wang''': I've searched for the dragon's heart all my life. I tracked it to your silly little town, and it was almost mine. Mine!
:'''Mai Le''': You won't be needing these anymore. (''takes the 4 rings off of Mr. Wang'')
:'''Daphne''': Now it all makes sense. Mr. Wang used his supposed research trip to Crystal Cove as an excuse to hunt for the dragon's heart. When he saw that Mai Le was wearing the fourth dragon ring, he knew he was close. Mr. Wang posed as the evil White Kung Fu Wizard to steal the fourth dragon ring from Mai Le, but Chen pretended to be a Red Wizard in an effort to stop him.
:'''Velma''': After the wizard battle downtown, Mr. Wang came to my house in one last effort to get the ring.
:'''Shaggy''': But how did he make himself fly?
:'''Chen''': Oh, the same way I did, (''takes the White Wizard costume off of Mr. Wang'') jetpack.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Fred''': Oh! Of course.
:'''Daphne''': And the magic lightning bolts?
:'''Velma''': (''shows Mr. Wang's hand'') Homemade Tesla coils. Genius!
:'''Mr. Wang''': It was the perfect plan. That ruby is priceless. I was going to be rich! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you--
:'''Fred''': (''masks Mr. Wang with the White Wizard's head'') Save it, Wang. We've heard it all before.
:(''Scooby laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Inside the ship, Mai Le keeps the ruby in secret'')
:'''Mai Le''': Finally mine. So long, Mystery Incorporated.
:(''The ship turns hard left, Mai Le accidentally drops the ruby, Shaggy arrives and catches it'')
:'''Shaggy''': Hello, dude. Or should I say... Mai Le? I went to the airport to see you off, but you weren't on the plane. It was always about the ruby, wasn't it? ''You'' just used us to get Wang out of the way so that you could get the other rings.
:'''Mai Le''': That's right. While you and your idiot friends were explaining Wang's plan, I opened the jade dragon and took the ruby. The dragon's heart belongs to me!
:'''Shaggy''': Fine. Come and get it. (''Mai Le destroys table with her strong fist'') Zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai Le''': (''in a Fred's trap'') Let me down, you idiots!
:'''Scooby''': You okay, Shaggy?
:'''Shaggy''': Was everything about you a lie? Like, even us?
:'''Mai Le''': Sorry, dude.
:'''Velma''': He's too good for you, dog issues or no dog issues.
:'''Mai Le''': I still don't know what that means.

===Nightfright===
:(''Daphne unmasks Nightfright'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Fred''': The production assistant?
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': No, it's not. It's Argus Fentonpoof, the writer of &quot;Scream, Scream, Time For You to Die.&quot;
:'''Argus''': I'm both. When you pulled out of the movie, they decided not to make it. I went bankrupt. I had to take a job as a production assistant.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': But, why have you done this?
:'''Argus''': Well, by scaring you and everyone watching on TV, I was going to prove that Nightfright deserved his own horror movie. Right before you started filming, I hid my Nightfright costume in a closet. I used the conduit to sneak in and put the costume on. I paid the other actors to pretend to be knocked out when I attacked. Of course, I couldn't let anyone know that I was Nightfright. I had to sneak out every now and then, and get everyone coffee.
:'''Harry''': (''arrives'') Hold it right there. I'm Harry Shneste-Boysen, the executive producer of this show. I've been watching the whole thing from my jacuzzi. I'm blown away. (''to Vincent van Ghoul'') Not only is your reality show going to be a surefire hit, (''to Argus'') (''2 deputies handcuff Argus'') but I found your pathetic tale of lost dreams inspiring. It's gonna make a great movie.
:'''Argus''': A movie, about me? Really? Heh. Gee! Uh, you know, none of this would have happened without you meddling kids. Thanks.
:'''Sheriff''': All right, let's go.
:'''Argus''': Bye, everyone! See you on the big screen in 10 to 20 years.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Well, all's well that ends well.

===The Siren's Song===
:'''Dr. Spike''': I would like to see who's been holding me captive all this time. (''unmasks the one Fish Freak'')
:'''Daphne''': Ernesto?
:'''Ernesto''': Hello, comrade Daphne and her fellow comrade mystery-solving teenagers. (''The other 3 Fish Freaks unmask themselves'')
:'''Daphne''': But aren't you against all this anti-environment stuff?
:'''Ernesto''': Funny you should ask. It all started when we were doing a little research into our old foe Destroido. We were going through their trash when we ran across some very interesting information: Dr. Cavanaugh's report on this giant oil deposit off Dead Man's Point. We came up with a plan to make enough money to fund our various protests. We were gonna drill for the oil ourselves and sell it.
:'''Fred''': You were doing this for cash?
:'''Ernesto''': You have no idea how expensive it is to be a grassroots activist! After we found the location of the oil platform, all we had to do was scare off anyone who started nosing into our business. And we would have, too, if that meddling mermaid had kept her fin to herself and never contacted you.
:'''Velma''': Hold on. Are you telling us that you were going to cause a major environmental disaster in order to get the cash to protest against major environmental disasters?
:'''Ernesto''': Yes! You must be willing to kill the environment to save it.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Uhh... no. I don't think that's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, you're not a mermaid!
:'''Dr. Spike''': Allow me to introduce my lovely wife Amy Cavanaugh, ordinary human and professional Commercial jingle singer.
:'''Fred''': That explains why your eerily beautiful singing voice made me want to put on deodorant!
:(''Velma is disappointed'')
:'''Amy''': Velma...
:'''Velma''': You lied to me. You acted like you were my friend, and I believed you. 
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry. I came up with the mermaid character out of desperation. I'd gone to the police to report that my husband had been kidnapped by Fish Freaks, but they just laughed at me, then asked for directions to the oil platform so they could add it as a stop to on the Crystal Cove Mystery Tour. I thought that if I could make it sound like one of your mysteries, you'd help me rescue my husband. And you did.
:'''Velma''': How do you even know about us?
:'''Amy''': I read your blog. I'm a fan.
:'''Velma''': Does that mean you're going to stay in touch?
:'''Amy''': If you'd like to me to.
:'''Velma''': Well... whatever. It's your decision. But I wouldn't mind if you did. As far as helping, it's what we do. Our friend Angel also deserves a lot of credit. She knew about Destroido's involvement from some old newspaper articles. That's how we made the connection.
:'''Amy''': Newspaper articles? That's strange. Destroido covered the whole thing up. The papers never even knew about it.
:'''Velma''': Hmm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In K-Ghoul, Angel Dynamite looks at the LP and Velma appears behind'')
:'''Angel''': Lordy, Velma! Baby, you just about scared me out of my skin-tight leather foxy pants. What's with all the sneaking around?
:'''Velma''': You tell me.
:'''Angel''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Velma''': For the short amount of time that you've been in Crystal Cove, you sure know a lot about this town's mystery history.
:'''Angel''': Well, I'm just curious by nature. Remember the heebedy-jeebedies?
:'''Velma''': Stop. One of my big problems, on a list that's long and distinguished, is that despite my skeptical nature, I trust people. I want to see the best in them. Unfortunately, they usually let me down. Things have been adding up for me, Angel. The help you gave us on this oil platform mystery, the diary you provided for the Mystery Manor case; stuff that you shouldn't know and shouldn't have had, no matter what the heebedy-jeebedy.
:'''Angel''': What are you saying?
:'''Velma''': I'm saying Angel Dynamite isn't your real name. I think your real name is Cassidy Williams, and you're one of the members of the original Mystery Incorporated that vanished in the caves beneath Crystal Cove. Tell me I'm wrong... friend.

===Menace of the Manticore===
:(''Angel Dynamite enters the Mr. E's lair'')
:'''Angel''': The Mystery, Inc. kids have found a piece of the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Mr. E''': So now, we know where 2 of the pieces are. Good work, Angel.
:'''Angel''': Just remember, I'm working with you, not for you, E. I'm worried about those kids.
:'''Mr. E''': Why?
:'''Angel''': Pericles is loose, and that nutso parrot might go after the piece, which puts them in danger, and us, if the former members of our club get wind of it.
:'''Mr. E''': Don't worry, little Angel. The other 2 won't move a muscle as long as Fred Jones is still alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Look at that! Are Manticores double-jointed?
:'''Velma''': This is no Manticore, Daphne. This is... (''unmasks the Manticore'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': Just as I suspected. It totally makes sense when you put the clues together. Someone with computer skills had to make that fake website, and Hot Dog Water has those skills. And remember, just before the Manticore attacked, I smelled something familiar. It was briny, greasy hot dog water. (''to Hot Dog Water'') But what I don't know is why Shaggy and Scooby had such high voices after you attacked them before, or why you'd want this amusement park to close so badly.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': How could you know? Your intellect is so far inferior to mine. (''takes off the Manticore's outfit'') It all started on a boring Friday night when I didn't have a date.
:'''Velma''': Hard to imagine.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': I decided to run some experiments on the steel used to build the park's rides. I found that if you melted the steel down and combined it with chromium, stalagmite, and mercury phosphate, it created a kind of super helium. Shaggy and Scooby must have inhaled some helium gas from the Manticore's posterior relief hole. That's why their voices were so high. I figured if I could get the park to close, I could take all the steel, melt it down, and sell the super helium to the Australian zeppelin fleet. I'd have made a fortune and shown you up in the process, Velma.
:(''Sheriff arrests Hot Dog Water'')
:'''Daphne''': Another mystery solved.
:'''Fred''': It still seems like something's missing.
:(''The Fortune Telling Machine prints the fortune'')
:'''Hot Dog Water''': (''reads'') &quot;Meddling kids and their dog will foil your plan.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Yep. That would be it.
:(''Sheriff drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': I know who has the Planispheric Disk piece, but not where.
:'''Mr. E''': Speak.
:'''Angel''': I put a bug on Velma when I saw her earlier. She didn't suspect a thing. Later, I heard Fred tell her that Shaggy and Scooby have the piece. But he didn't say anything more than that.
:'''Mr. E''': He told Velma and us enough. Everything will work out just fine. You see, Scooby is a far more trusting companion than Pericles was to me.

===Attack of the Headless Horror===
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with Cachinga in the police car'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.
:'''Daphne''': Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (''Fred deactivates the trap'') so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.
:(''Fred unmasks the Headless Horror'')
:'''Headless Horror/Marion''': (''gasps'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': Marion!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!
:'''Fred''': We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.
:'''Velma''': A life she definitely didn't want.
:'''Marion''': (''annoyed'') Fine. I admit it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?
:'''Fred''': We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (''to Marion'') You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?
:'''Marion''': Yes. (''puts the ring on her finger'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': But, Marion, why did you do it?
:'''Marion''': Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.
:'''Rick Spartan''': But the shrunken head... It talked to me.
:'''Marion''': I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?
:'''Rick Spartan''': Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (''He and Marion kiss'') Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, I, uh, figured.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Take me back to my room?
:'''Marion''': Anything.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Cachinga, come.
:'''Cachinga''': (''leaves the police car with the spear'') Thank you. It's been lovely.

===A Haunting in Crystal Cove===
:'''Shadowy Figure''': Oof. Eahhh! Wood gets older than kindle!
:'''Scooby''': Nice to see you again... (''unmasks the Shadowy Figure'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': Well, hello, children. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': Simple. There's only one brain large enough, beside my own, that could have pulled this off. We found the trojan horse program you put on Fred's laptop that let you control all of Fred's traps remotely.
:'''Pericles''': Fred really should have come up with a more secure password than &quot;trappin' guy&quot;.
:'''Shaggy''': Once you had control of the traps, it was like totally simple to simulate a haunting and terrify the Mayor.
:'''Velma''': And your avian attributes provided the means to make your spooky shadow creep float like a real ghost.
:'''Daphne''': Too bad for you your avian diet gave you away.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, what can I say? A bird's got to eat.
:'''Fred''': It still doesn't explain where my dad is, and why you were haunting him.
:'''Pericles''': Why do you think? I wanted his piece of the Planispheric Disk, of course. I knew he would have it close. I just didn't know where. So I decided to scare it out of him.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mysterious piece'') Planispheric Disk? (''to Pericles'') But how did you know he had it in the first place?
:'''Pericles''': Because, dear friend, he stole it from me a long time ago. (''the gang is confused'') Don't believe me? Ask him yourself. (''takes off the Shadowy Figure costume and pushes the remote control's button that changes the stairs to slide, Fred unhands the piece of the Planispheric Disk and the gang falls down to the basement'') (''takes the piece #1 of the Planispheric Disk'') I am the smartest criminal parrot in the world! You didn't think I have a back-up plan? (''laughs'') Until we meet again. ''Auf wiedersehen'', Mystery Incorporated. (''flies away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Did you know we were standing on a trap?
:'''Fred''': (''grabs Daphne'') Honestly, there's so many in this house, I've kinda lost track.
:(''The gang hears a man trapped in a sheet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Another ghost!
:'''Fred''': Dad! (''releases Daphne and uncovers the sheet'') You're okay!
:'''Mayor Jones''': Dimpled puppet eggs, Fred! I am clearly not okay. Untie me.
:'''Fred''': (''unties his dad'') Dad, the house wasn't haunted at all. It was Professor Pericles.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Pericles? Are you sure? Did he get the--?
:'''Daphne''': Planispheric Disk? Yeah. He said you stole it from him.
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's... that's absurd! We confiscated it off him years ago, when we locked him up. I've felt it was best to keep it here, safe. That's why I went back in for it.
:'''Velma''': Mayor Jones, why would Professor Pericles want that piece of the Disk so badly?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oof! Ha! Ha! How should I know? Are you kids trying to imply something? Because if you are--
:'''Fred''': No, no, dad. We're just all really happy you're okay. That's what's important, right, gang? This mystery is over. (''hugs Mayor Jones'')
:'''Daphne''': I'm not sure this mystery is over at all.

===Dead Justice===
:'''Velma''': Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (''unmasks Dead Justice'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Deputy Bucky?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!
:'''Bucky''': You're 20 years older than me!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, I think we can explain.
:'''Daphne''': Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.
:'''Fred''': Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.
:'''Velma''': Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.
:'''Daphne''': He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.
:'''Fred''': The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.
:'''Bucky''': CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (''Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''gives an award to Sheriff Stone'') People of Crystal Cove, there's a new old new Sheriff in town.
:(''The crowd cheers and applauds'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Thanks, Mayor Jones. And... Thanks for giving me a raise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Raise? What raise? An hour ago, your job was free. Don't think I won't find another undead lawman if I have to.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''laughs'') You're joking, right?
:'''Fred''': You know, dad, Bucky would have gotten away with it if it hadn't have been for us meddling kids. Maybe a little thank you might be, uh...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Uh, that's great, Fred. Listen, I'm late for a work meeting. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': But work's that way. (''Daphne arrives'') Why do I even bother?
:'''Daphne''': (''accompanies Fred'') He cares, Fred, in his own way.

===Pawn of Shadows===
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (''unmasks The Obliteratrix'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Alice May?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Who's Alice May?
:'''Daphne''': She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how did you get out of jail?
:'''Alice May''': I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Huh?
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Huh?
:'''Alice May''': E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?
:'''Alice May''': E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': (''handcuffs Alice'') So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.
:'''Alice May''': That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants!
(''Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (''laughs'') I don't think so. (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, another mystery solved.
:'''Daphne''': I just wish we could have done something about your job, Professor Hatecraft.
:'''Dean''': (''arrives with car'') H.P.? Yoo-hoo! Oh, there you are, you dear man.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't worry, Dean Fenk. I'm on my way to clean out my office now.
:'''Dean''': Clean out your office? Oh, never. Heh! Haven't you heard the wonderful news? The song &quot;Char Gar Gothakon&quot;, based on your novel, is a huge hit in Japan. And since Darrow College published the book, we're gonna make a fortune! (''Professor Hatecraft is amazingly surprised'') Now, I'm giving you Regina's old office Vampire books are so done and I'm having the dusk mobile repainted. (''she and Professor Hatecraft drive away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, Angel, it looks like we owe you one.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. You saved our tails.
:'''Daphne''': How'd you know where we were?
:'''Velma''': It's time, Angel. I can't keep this secret anymore.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': I wanted to tell you kids earlier, but I was afraid. 
:'''Scooby''': Afraid of what? 
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Of telling you the truth. My real name isn't Angel Dynamite. It's Cassidy Williams. I'm one of the original members of Mystery Incorporated that disappeared.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': It was all an accident. We should have never been in that condemned church. But Brad said he'd seen someone coming and going at night, and he wanted to investigate. We thought we'd found a treasure map, but it wasn't treasure; it was a threat, to not just our lives but the lives of our families. The thing in those caves forced us to leave Crystal Cove, or those who loved us would pay the price.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are terrified'')
:'''Shaggy''': L-l-like, who threatened you?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': He called himself the Freak. The Freak of Crystal Cove. There, now you know the truth. That's what happened to the original Mystery Incorporated, and it will happen to all of you if you don't stop! Forget about the Planispheric Disk. Give Pericles your piece, or Mr. E. I don't care. The mystery is over. Let it end tonight!
:'''Fred''': You lied to us, Angel. You've been lying to us from the beginning. Why should we listen to anything you have to say to us now? This mystery isn't over until we say it's over. Come on, gang.
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': No. No, you don't understand. He's still out there. (''The gang drives away'') The Freak is still out there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Freak''': The curse begun, but soon they'll see, the buried truth will end with me. (''laughs'')

===All Fear the Freak===
:'''Pericles''': Hello, Ed Machine.
:'''Ed''': What are you doing here?
:'''Pericles''': I'd like you to deliver a message to Ricky. Or should I call him ''Mr. E''?
:'''Ed''': (''last words'') Say what you want to say Pericles, then get out of my house.
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Dear Ed, you misunderstand. I don't want to say ''anything''. (''attacks Ed Machine in the dark'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives at an old ruined church'')
:'''Fred''': This is where the mystery started, gang. And tonight, this is where it ends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nan''': ''[gasps] [Barty: Unh!] [Points Mayor Jones and grabs Daphne and takes Daphne home]'' This is your fault, mystery incorporated is over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What have you kids done now? First I get a hysterical call from the Rogers saying Scooby and Shaggy jumped out the window during still life night. And then other parents start phoning, saying that their kids have disappeared. And then Angel calls me all frantic about-- Who is this guy?
:'''Fred''': I'll tell you who he is, Sheriff. The Freak of Crystal Cove... (''unmasks the Freak'') is my father.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma''': Mayor Jones?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') But...?
:'''Mayor Jones''': How did you know?
:'''Fred''': When I found out both pictures of my mother were just cut-outs from a magazine, I checked the dates on the back. It was the same day I was born, or what you said was the same day I was born. Still, I wasn't sure. Not until now. Why?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why do you think? Because of the curse. For years I'd heard about the curse and the supposed haunted treasure. That was the reason I came to Crystal Cove. I'd been accepted to Darrow University's history department, which gave me access to the town archives. When I found the story about the conquistadors that disappeared, I decided to disguise myself and begin my search for the Planispheric Disk. Sadly, I found nothing. Until Mystery Incorporated walked into the library seeking advice. They had no idea what they'd found. Well, that wasn't true. Actually, their mascot knew. For access to my knowledge, Pericles was willing to betray his friends. We concocted a scheme to blackmail the kids into leaving town by threatening them with fabricated documents implicating their parents in various crimes. They were unaware of my true identity, but I still had one loose end. Pericles had to go. I placed an anonymous call to the police implicating him in the kids' disappearance. By the time, Pericles woke, he was already in custody. He was sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable parrot life where he belonged... in a cage. Becoming mayor allowed me to continue my search for the remaining pieces. And I would have found them, too, if it weren't for you, my meddling-- Fred.
:'''Fred''': That still doesn't explain what happened to my mother. I wanna know where she is.
:'''Mayor Jones''': The truth is, I don't know. I assume she's still with Brad Chiles.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, are you saying that Judy Reeves is Fred's mother? But that would mean...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Brad Chiles is your real father. (''Fred is shocked'') Two years after they left, Brad tried to return to Crystal Cove. By that time, he and Judy had married and she'd given birth to a baby boy. I had to stop Brad. I took you and told him you'd be safe, as long as they never returned again.
:'''Fred''': All this for a treasure no one's even sure exists? Where's the piece?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Fred, you're still my son. I raised you.
:'''Fred''': You used me. Where'd you hide it? In your pocket? (''tries to search the piece in his pocket but it's empty'')
:'''Mayor Jones''':  It's gone? We have to find it. That piece is priceless. Fred! (''Fred puts Mayor Jones down'') Uhh. Fred! (''Fred runs away and Daphne follows him'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sobbing'') Tell me this isn't true.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, I'm sorry. You'll get through this.
:'''Fred''': My whole life has been a lie, Daphne. I have parents I've never known.
:'''Daphne''': We'll find them. Together.
:'''Fred''': No. I need to do this on my own. I'm sorry, Daphne, the engagement is off. I'm leaving Crystal Cove, and I'm leaving tonight, and do nothing.
:'''Daphne''': But what about us? Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Fred''': This is Velma's fault, Scooby is not getting farm anymore.
:'''Shaggy''': But...
:'''Fred''': ''[points Nan]'' You're fired. You're Shaggy is not getting soldier general anymore. Mystery Incorporated is dead. (''walks away'')
:'''Nan''': You can't fired me, I quit!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, do something.
:'''Shaggy''': Freddy. (''his parents stop him and Scooby'') Oh, mom, dad. Like, what gives?
:'''Paula Rogers''': Norville, your father and I have given this a lot of thought, and we feel it best you go away for a while.
:'''Shaggy''': What? Go away?! Like, where?
:'''Colton Rogers''': Farmsdale Military Academy.
:'''Paula Rogers''': And don't worry about Scooby. We found him a nice farm to live on.
:'''Scooby''': (''shocked'') Farm?!
:'''Shaggy''': Huh?!
:'''Velma''': ''[Daphne sobbin']'' It'll be okay, Daph. Fred will come back.
:'''Daphne''': (''crying'') Didn't you hear him? Mystery Incorporated is dead. If you had just told us about Angel sooner, this never would have happened. (''walks away'')
:(''Velma's parents take her in the car'')
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, dudes, I can't go to military school. I'm an eater, not a fighter.
:'''Pericles''': What an amusing turn of events.
:'''Scooby''': (''yelps'') Pericles!
:'''Pericles''': Don't be afraid, Scooby. I've no reason to hurt you. (''holds up piece'') I have what I came for. (''chuckles'')
:'''Scooby''': The mayor's piece! ''You'' have it!
:'''Pericles''': Two down, four to go. (''opens car window'') Until we meet again, ''auf wiedersehn'', Scooby-Doo. (''laughs and flies away'')
:'''Scooby''': I'll get the gang back together, Pericles. We'll be coming for you, or my name isn't Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

== Season 2 ==

===The Night the Clown Cried===
:'''Crybaby Clown''': You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'm a bad clown. Stopping me ain't going to be easy. There's no string and a net to catching me like Mano Tiki Tia or Redbeard's ghost. This Crybaby Clown swallow your town whole. (''chuckles'') You want your tourism back? You're gonna pay me $5 million. For that, you get the pacifier, the rattle, the whole darn clown. So what's it going to be? Me, or Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, it sounds like a good deal to me. I'll start passing the hat. So long, mystery goofs.
:'''Scooby''': Hold on, Clown! That is our town.
:'''Shaggy''': (''chuckles nervously'') That's right! And we don't need money to protect it. Although it would be nice-- (''Velma hits him with elbow'') Ow!
:'''Velma''': Freddy, I think it's trapping time.
:'''Fred''': Right, Velma! And I know the perfect g-- the perfect-- ah-- I-- guh!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': What's wrong?
:'''Fred''': I-- my trapping knowledge! It's gone! My mind is-- is empty!
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Wahh wahh. So tragic. Oh, well, I offered. (''The door closes abruptly and the lights are shut off'') Time's up, Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Aww, this makes me think you don't like me. Wahh wahh! And by the way, building your little donut shop trap next to a fireworks store might not have been the best idea. See ya soon, Mystery Incorporated! (''throws the baby bottle bomb in the fireworks store to explode. Crybaby Clown drives away'')
:'''Velma''': Run!
:'''Fred''': Daphne!
:'''Velma''': Isn't coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''':  Well, I think it's safe to say, if the town didn't hate us before. This should certainly do the trick.
:(''Fred feels disappointed'')
:'''Scooby''': Freddy? Are you okay?
:'''Fred''': No, Scoob, I'm not. My trap failed, and for the first time, the bad guy got away. And it's my fault.
:'''Shaggy''': We're all responsible, Fred. We're a team, remember?
:'''Fred''': That's just it, Shaggy. We're not a team. Not without Daphne. And now I know... she's never coming back.

===The House of the Nightmare Witch===
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Baba Yaga'')
:'''Fred''': And now, let's see who Baba Yaga really is. (''unmasks Baba Yaga'')
:'''Everyone''': Curator Vronsky?
:'''Velma''': Exactly. He was using Baba Yaga's house to smuggle stolen Fabergé eggs into the country.
:'''Curator Vronsky''': That's right. I was going to sell them on the black market. Finally, I was to be a rich capitalist with all my loot. I had it planned ''perfectly''. Before becoming a museum curator, I spent many years in Spetsnaz, Soviet Special Forces. This allowed me to make modifications on the house using what I could find on the ship. I even put a remote control in my walking stick to move the house. I needed to get assistant curator Anna Arkadyevna out of the way before she became suspicious of my plan. I tied her up and kept her prisoner in the house while I donned the Baba Yaga costume and used the voice modulator to frighten away the curious. But, when one of the eggs was damaged, I had to alter the plan. But you ''brats'' kept interrupting my repair of the legs. I could not leave any of my precious eggs behind. There were too many. I needed the house to carry them all. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you decadent bourgeoisie teenagers and your slobbering, democracy-loving dog!
:'''Anna''': I had my suspicions of Vronsky all along. That is why I came with him. Thank you for saving the Fabergé eggs, our national treasure.

===The Night the Clown Cried II: Tears of Doom!===
:'''Fred''': And now let's see who Crybaby Clown really is. (''unmasks the Crybaby Clown'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne, Hot Dog Water and Fred''': Baylor Hotner!
:'''Baylor Hotner''': That's right-''ner''. Actor, humanitarian, guy with amazingly super awesome abs. I came here to Crystal Cove to research the part of a crazed clown for my upcoming blockbuster movie, &quot;The Night the Clown Cried&quot;. It was gonna be my ''Oscar''. Using my knowledge of Hollywood makeup and effects and a trick buggy I stole from the back lot, I honed my crazed clown performance to perfection. Then, I built my entourage: a therapist, a hairdresser, a plastic surgeon, and a publicist. Everything I needed to be a great actor. Of course, I put tracking chips in all of them because you have to know where your posse is at all times. I even had an innocent small-town girl that would make me look like the nicest guy. I had it all! And I would have been the world's greatest Hollywood thespian, too, if it hadn't have been for you small-town scene stealers.
:'''Daphne''': (''slaps Baylor'') Small-town that, Baylor Hotner. These are my friends. Take him away, Sheriff.
:(''Sheriff Stone arrests Baylor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, guys. You, uh, really saved me.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you're one of us.
:'''Fred''': Um, you know, Daphne, you could come back to me... to the gang, I mean.
:'''Daphne''': Really? I'd like that. Very much.
:'''Scooby''': (''hugs Daphne'') Hooray! Daphne's back. Group hug. (''Fred, Velma, and Shaggy hug Daphne'') Scooby-Dooby-Doo! And Daphne, too. (''laughs'')

===Web of the Dreamweaver!===
:'''Shaggy''': Hey, gang, look at this. (''shows the newspaper to the gang'') Last night Horbert Feist, prominent banker, drove his car at high speed into the Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Scooby''': Why would he do that?
:'''Daphne''': I don't know and I don't care, but a mystery is just the thing we need now to wipe away our skull-crushing guilt.
:'''Fred''': I'm in. Velma?
:'''Velma''': (''a bit sad'') Sure, I could use a little soul cleansing right about now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''imprisones Horbert Feist'') Horbert Feist, I must advise you not to say anything until your lawyer arrives. And don't say anything then, either!
:(''The gang arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Hi, Sheriff Stone.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What are you kids doing here?
:'''Daphne''': We've come to ask what you know about Mr. Feist.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Look, who said I knew him? I've never seen him before in my life. (''The gang is confused'') All I know is he's a thief, and he belongs behind bars.
:'''Shaggy''': A thief? Papers didn't say anything about that. What'd he steal?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Nothing I could find, but you don't need to steal something to be a thief.
:'''Horbert''': Come on, Bronson. You've known me for years! We grew up together. You know I'd never steal anything.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''singing and covering his ears'') La la la, la la la, can't hear you, la la la la. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': Mr. Feist, can you tell us what happened last night?
:'''Horbert''': Everything was normal. I was asleep, and then I had this terrible dream.
::(''In the dream world, which is a labyrinth based on Escher's House of Stairs, Horbert runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until he finds him carrying a glowing purple orb'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': I've come for you, Horbert. (''Horbert runs to the other side but the Dreamweaver appeared on the other side'') Breath of frost. (''uses the purple orb to attack Horbert making him paralyzed'') (''to Horbert's ear'') Level 99.
:'''Horbert''': And the next thing I knew, I was driving my car into the bank.
:'''Shaggy''': That's the weirdest dream I've ever heard, and I've had some pretty weird dreams.
:'''Horbert''': I loved that car... more than my own children! And now it's gone. Gone! (''sobs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Feist's alibi is pretty weak, and that dream... What does level 99 mean?
:'''Shaggy''': How would I know? Oh. (''whimpers'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the dream world, Francilee Jackson runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until she finds him'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': No one can escape, Francilee. (''uses the purple orb to shine with lightning and the rope gets out of it'') Ropes of binding!
::'''Francilee''': (''runs to the other side'') No! It can't be! You can't be back! (''The rope catches Francilee'') Please. Please. This can't be happening!
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''to Francilee's ear'') Twenty-sided dice.
::(''The Dreamweaver laughs maniacally and Francilee screams in horror'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In Francilee's tv show &quot;The Francilee Show&quot;, the audience is applauding'')
:'''Francilee''': Now, no meal is complete without cornbread stuffing. And the best cornbread stuffing in the world is Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing! (''the audience applauds again'') Made from my little ol' super secret family recipe handed down through generations. And the super secret about Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing is there ain't even no corn in it! (''The audience gasps'') Oh, my goodness, why did I say that? (''starts sleeping'')
:(''The screen is shut off by Sheriff Stone, revealing the tv screen in the next scene'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Lying about there being corn in your cornbread stuffin'-- that's what we in the sheriffing world call fraud! I think.
:'''Francilee''': (''in the prison cell'') Oh, Bronson, how can you do this to little ol' me? We've known each other since we was chillun!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What?! I've never seen your face before in my life!
:'''Daphne''': But it's on the box in your hand.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What box? (''hides the box in his back'') What hand? (''The gang tries to look the box in Sheriff Stone's Back'') I--I have to go now to destroy this very tasty evidence.
:'''Scooby''': Uh, we'll help!
:'''Daphne''': Mrs. Jackson, tell us what happened.
:'''Francilee''': It's a mystery. Took me a nap this afternoon, and I had this frightful dream! When I woke up, I was on the TV, and everyone knew my recipe! I loved that secret stuffin' recipe more than my own chillun, and now it's ruined! (''sobs hardly'')
:'''Velma''': Did your dream by any chance involve a labyrinth, spells, a purple orb, and a mysterious inhuman mage?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, exactly!
:'''Fred''': Did the pointy-eared freakwad say anything?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, he said, &quot;twenty-sided dice.&quot;
:(''Shaggy whimpers and Sheriff Stone is a bit shocked'')
:'''Francilee''': First Horbert, now me? I don't know who all's doing this, but I know who all will be next: Melvin Keisterbaum.
:'''Daphne''': Melvin Keisterbaum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Daphne drives the Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum lives in the big house next-door to my parents. We have to warn him! (''The gang arrives at Melvin's big house'') We're here. (''knocks the door'') Mr. Keisterbaum? Hello? Guess he's not home.
:(''The gang leaves the mansion, in a moment an explosion appears in it, the gang falls down to the ground'')
:'''Fred''': (''lifts Daphne'') Daph? Unh.
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred.
:'''Fred''': No probs, Daph. It's what anyone who's just a friend would do for anyone else who's just a friend.
:(''Daphne smiles and Velma finds a broken light bulb'')
:'''Velma''': Hmm. What's this? A broken light bulb? Never seen one like this before.
:'''Melvin''': (''arrives'') My mansion! My beautiful mansion! I loved that mansion more than my own children... if I had any.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum, what happened?
:'''Melvin''': Who knows? One moment I'm asleep on the couch, the next I'm standing in the garden with an empty canister of napalm.
:'''Daphne''': Did you have any dreams?
:'''Melvin''': Yes! I was in a labyrinth, and there were spells, a strange glowing orb, and a terrible monster! He was saying one word over and over: &quot;Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver!&quot;
:'''Velma''': Level 99, twenty-sided dice, Dreamweaver. What's the connection?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what are you asking me for? Do I look like the kind of nerd that plays Crypts and Creatures?
:'''Fred''': Crypts and Creatures? Isn't that the nerdy fantasy role-playing game that nerdy nerds play?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, it--um--I... OK, fine. Like, yeah. I was a closet C&amp;C player. I used to roll the dice every night.
::(''Flashback starts, in Shaggy's bedroom'')
::'''Shaggy''': (''playing Crypts and Creatures with dice'') Come on, saving throw. Shagdolf needs a new pair of +5 forks of feasting.
::'''Paula Rogers''': (''outside the room door, knocking on it'') Norville? What are you doing in there? Norville?
::'''Shaggy''': Mom! Like, no, mom! No! Don't come in! Please don't come in!
::(''Next, in the school with Emmanuel'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''narrates'') ''Then, one day, I thought my science teacher was a bugbear, and I smote him with a magic missile.''
::'''Shaggy''': I smite thee with magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Roll crit. Yes. Double damage! Ha ha ha ha! And that's when I knew I had to quit.
:'''Scooby''': (''laughs'') It's all right to be a nerd, ''Shagdolf''. (''laughs again'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with police car'')
:'''Melvin''': Bronson, he's after us. You're next!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know you. Who are you, strange little mustached man?
:'''Melvin''': It's the Dreamweaver!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''starts panicking'') What? No. No, it's not possible. The Dreamweaver? THE DREAMWEAVER? Ohh. (''to the gang'') Kids. Kids, you gotta help me. If the Dreamweaver is back, I can never sleep again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''to young Melvin'') OK, you've defeated the goblin warriors and now stand in the lair of the diabolical Dreamweaver. (''whispers'') What do you do?
::'''Young Melvin''': I use night vision to check for traps.
::'''Young Francilee''': I drink a large potion of health.
::'''Young Horbert''': I cast detect magic... on my butt!
::(''Young Melvin and Francilee laugh'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': If you guys don't take this seriously, I'm gonna take my soda and my dice and go home!
::'''Young Melvin, Francilee and Horbert''': Sorry, Bronson.
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''shows the Dreamweaver drawing'') The Dreamweaver, lord of the sleep realm, with his mystical orb of power, stands before you... ready to cast you ''into the abyss''.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And now the Dreamweaver's come out of the game to finish what he started! AND I'M NEXT. (''sobs'')
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Whoa.
:'''Velma''': But why would he go after you guys?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Aren't you paying attention? It's because we stopped playing C&amp;C. We turned our backs on imagination. Because we grew up!
:'''Shaggy''': (''whimpers'') Like, let's never grow up, Scoob.
:'''Scooby''': Uh-uh, never.
:'''Velma''': We'll go investigate what this light bulb thing is. Shaggy, Scooby, stay here and make sure the Sheriff doesn't fall asleep.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Got it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma go to the Mystery Machine, Velma's cell phone rings, the call is from Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': (''answers the phone in secret'') Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': ''I thought you were the smart one, Velma, but you're making mistakes.''
:'''Velma''': I'm smart enough to trust my friends. Mystery Incorporated is a team. That's why I gave Fred the piece of Planispheric Disk.
:(''Next scene in Destroido'')
:'''Ricky''': A team without Hot Dog Water? That was wrong move number 2. Maybe I misjudged you, Velma.
:(''Next scene on the outskirts of the Norville house'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Maybe you don't want to save your friends.'' (''Velma is annoyed'') ''Maybe you don't want to save Crystal Cove. Maybe you--'' (''Velma hangs up her cell phone'')
:'''Fred''': Who was that?
:'''Velma''': Wrong number. (''enters the Mystery Machine'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the dream world, Scooby, Shaggy and Sheriff Stone appeared'')
::'''Scooby''': Where are we?
::'''Sheriff Stone''': The lair of the Dreamweaver. It's exactly the way I designed it.
::'''Shaggy''': Next time, design something less scary.
::'''Scooby''': And put in a snack bar.
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby walk'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': I remember the layout perfectly.
::(''Shaggy whimpers'')
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby start running trying to find the exit'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': There's the exit.
::(''The Dreamweaver arrives in front of Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': Welcome back, Bronson. Time to cast you into the abyss. (''laughs'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, run!
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby run to the other side'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''appears on the other side'') Polymorph! (''uses the orb to attack Shaggy and transform into a rabbit'') (''Sheriff Stone, Scooby and rabbit Shaggy run to the other side and the Dreamweaver appears'') Flesh of stone! (''uses the orb to attack Sheriff Stone and transform into a stone'') (''Scooby screams and runs to the other side trying to escape the Dreamweaver'') Crashing tide! (''uses the orb to raise the wave and crush Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
::(''The dream world is interrupted as Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby woke up wet from bucket of water, thrown by Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Way to go on keeping Sheriff Stone awake, guys.
:'''Shaggy''': We just met the Dreamweaver. He is one scary dude.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, do you have your Dreamweaver drawing with you?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's right here with my character sheets and dice. A C&amp;C player is always ''ready to play''.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm?
:'''Shaggy''': Wait a minute. Hey, Scooby-Doo, which hand did the Dreamweaver juggle his orb with?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, his right. No, l--left.
:'''Shaggy''': Sorry, Sheriff. It seems you're not quite the cryptmaster you thought. The Dreamweaver holds his orb in his off hand, not his main.
:'''Fred''': Uh, in non-nerdspeak?
:'''Daphne''': It means this Dreamweaver is a righty, but ours is a lefty.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, it's time to face your fears one more time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the dream world, Sheriff Stone runs trying to escape from the Dreamweaver'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': (''panting'') Keep running. Don't look back.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''laughing'') Rain of fire! (''uses the orb to trap Sheriff Stone with the wall of fire'') I've waited for this for a long, long time. Game over, Bronson.
::'''Sheriff Stone''': Time for some magic of my own. (''unmasks himself revealing to be Fred'')
::'''Fred''': Confess, Dreamweaver.
::(''The Dreamweaver starts panicking, Fred unmasks himself revealing to be Shaggy'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, confess.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''scared'') What?
::(''Shaggy unmasks himself revealing to be Daphne'')
::'''Daphne''': Confess!
::'''Dreamweaver''': Aah!
::(''Daphne walks and unmasks herself revealing to be Velma, Dreamweaver walks backwards scared'')
::'''Velma''': Confess!
::(''Velma unmasks herself revealing to be Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Confess!
::(''Dreamweaver falls down scared, throws the purple orb, the orb is broken'')
::(''Dream world ends'')
:'''Horbert''': (''wakes up in the bed'') I confess! I did it! I did it! I'M THE DREAMWEAVER!
:(''The gang with Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin appeared'')
:'''Fred''': (''with the dream machine helmet on his head'') Busted.
:'''Horbert''': How--how did you know?
:'''Velma''': In all the dreams, the Dreamweaver held his orb in his left hand. But when we looked at everybody else, guess what? They're all righties. You're the only lefty in the bunch.
:'''Daphne''': This type of light bulb is used to stimulate them sleep. You used them to create this: a dream machine, which allowed you to project yourself into another person's dreams and manipulate them.
:'''Fred''': It cost you millions of dollars, which you loaned yourself from your own bank. Then you drove your car into your bank, blowing it up to cover your tracks.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Horbert''': (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') It was all your fault!
:'''Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin''': (''annoyed'') Huh?
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': Horbert, the Dreamweaver raises his orb, ready to cast his smiting spell. Make a saving throw.
::(''Young Horbert throws the dice to reach the highest number'')
::'''Young Horbert''': Whoo-hoo!
::(''The dice moved to the lowest number, Young Bronson Stone, Francilee, Melvin and Horbert are surprised'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': The Dreamweaver laughs as he casts your broken, lifeless elven body ''into the eternal abyss''.
::'''Young Horbert''': (''shocked'') NOOOOO!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Horbert''': I loved that elf, (''sobs'') I LOVED HIM MORE THAN MY OWN CHILDREN! (''annoyed'') (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') And you took him away from me. You were all part of it! So I vowed to take away the things you all loved. (''to the gang'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you--you ROLE-PLAYING NERDS!
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Horbert and takes him into custody'')
:'''Mrs. Feist''': Horbert, what are these people doing in our bedroom?
:'''Horbert''': Go back to sleep, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks toward the Jones mansion'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, I really feel Mr. Feist's pain. Losing your C&amp;C character is... intense.
:'''Scooby''': It's OK, Shagdolf. It's OK.
:(''The gang looks at the open front door'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, you left the door wide open.
:(''The gang arrives at the house, the living room is clean'')
:'''Daphne''': Fred, when did you hire a maid?
:'''Fred''': I-I didn't.
:'''Shaggy''': Then, like, who cleaned?
:'''Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves''': (''appear'') We did.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, is that...
:'''Velma''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves?
:'''Fred''': Mom? Dad?
:'''Brad''': That's right, Fred.
:'''Judy''': We're your parents.
:'''Brad''': And we're back.
:(''Fred is a bit shocked'')

===The Hodag of Horror===
:'''Fred''': He was stealing this wheel of old cheese.
:'''Velma''': Now let's see who the Hodag really is.
:(''Shaggy opens the cage and Velma unmasks Hodag'')
:'''Everyone''': Roberto!
:'''Scooby''': Where's my Nova?
:'''Velma''': Hold on. (''unmasks Roberto's face'')
:'''Everyone''': A monkey?
:'''Fussbuster''': (''heard in the balcony holding Nova over the edge'') That's right. My monkey. Nobody moves or the dog gets it.
:'''Scooby''': Nova!
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Fussbuster, please, don't hurt Nova. Why are you doing this?
:'''Fussbuster''': It all started back when I was a sailor working the trade boats in Indonesia. I learned you could train a monkey to steal. So that's just what I did. I trained Roberto using bells and used him to build up my fortune. When I rang a bell, he would start taking valuable objects. But he became bell crazy, started stealing bells, too. It drove me insane, all of those bells! And he not only brought home the bells, but whatever were attached to them. You don't know how many cats and cows and hunchbacks he brought home with him! But it was all worth it, as we were just about to steal the 500-year-old cheese you have in your hand.
:'''Fred''': 500-year-old cheese?
:'''Fussbuster''': Yes. It was made right here in Crystal Cove by a master Spanish cheesemaker. It's priceless. And with its theft, I could have finally retired to the Netherlands, where they really enjoy cheese properly.
:'''Velma''': But why the Hodag?
:'''Fussbuster''': Shepherd's security was unbreakable. I needed the key. Seemed the best way to get it. Now, toss the cheese up here and she won't get hurt. (''Nova is whimpering'')
:'''Scooby''': (''growling, grabs the cheese'') Here, Fussbuster. Fetch!
:(''Scooby throws the cheese to Fussbuster, Fussbuster tried to steal it but falls down to grass, and Scooby saves Nova'')
:(''Next scene in the police car with Fussbuster and Roberto ringing the bell'')
:'''Fussbuster''': (''groaning'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those bells. The bells! The bells! (''crying'')

===Art of Darkness!===
:'''Velma''': Let's see who's really behind all this junk. (''grabs the TV head of Junk'')
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Wait for it. We discovered the strange paralysis of Eeko, Clio, and worker number one had been caused by a rare strand of brewers yeast. Used only in Bavaria. That allowed us to reverse the effect.
:'''Velma''': These guys have been frozen to recreate a picture by the famous Bravarian artist Albrecht von Cartofokauf. So we knew we were looking for someone German.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I... I still don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Here's why Randy Warsaw. The real culprit is (''grabs the head out of Junk'') Butch Furbanks.
:'''Butch''': Fine, you got me. But don't expect my introspective personality to register guilt.
:'''Daphne''': His real name is Hans van Shanengruber.
:'''Velma''': Before Butch joined &quot;Sunday Around Noonish&quot; he released an album of classical accordion music. It reached number one in the Bravarian hit parade. But soon fizzled.
:'''Fred''': Using powerful electro magnets, and his expert knowledge of musical instruments, Butch was able to control your junk sculpture and make it attack you.
:'''Shaggy''': Like the only thing we don't know is why?
:'''Butch''': Alright, look I did it for art.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': That can't be right, can it?
:'''Butch''': Okay, that's a lie. The truth is I hated what you made me in to. All I ever wanted to do was play polkas in a Bravarian Oompa band. A beautiful dream that I lived until I came to work for you, Randy Warsaw. You changed me. You transformed me. Molded me in to a dark band leader, playing and singing horrible intellectual music. You took everything from me. And I wanted to make you pay. Pay! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling polka haters. (''Sheriff takes Butch into custody'') (''to Scooby'') Oh and your singing stinks, nobody understands a word you're saying.
:'''Scooby''': That's outrageous!
:'''Randy Warsaw''': Well, thank you, Mystery Incorporated. You've saved modern art from the clutches of the boudoir. There's only one this left to say: I find you all horribly, horribly boring. So, get out of here. Shoo, shoo. Go away. (''leaves'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh, Mr. Warsaw, can I keep the wig?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': It's okay, gang. Sometimes people just don't appreciate it when you save the day. That's just the price of our... art.
:'''Cassidy''': (''on the Mystery Machine radio'') ''Listen up, boppers. Because I've got a brand new radio show coming at you right now. Across the airwaves.'' (''Next scene in K-Ghoul'') It's all about the truth. Evil resides in Crystal Cove. (''Next scene in Jones mansion, Brad and Judy hear her'') ''So stay tuned and maybe, just maybe...'' (''Next scene in Mystery Machine, the gang hears her'') ''We'll all get through this thing alive.''

===The Gathering Gloom===
:'''Fred''': Velma! Scooby! We heard explosions. Are you okay?
:'''Moder''': Oh! What have you done to our cemetery?
:'''Velma''': What we've done is capture the Graveyard Ghoul. And now, let's see who he really is. (''unmasks the Graveyard Ghoul'') Evallo.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, what do you know? It really was the most obvious suspect. (''chuckles'') Who would have guessed?
:'''Velma''': Evallo was stealing natural gas from the Crystal Cove gas company.
:'''Evallo''': Yes, that is right. I did it. I, count Evallo von Meanskrieg, developed a perfectly evil plan und used my position as gravedigger to cover my activities. But the crowd from the Mayor's movie night meant someone might notice what I was up to. I had to scare them off! Thus, my genius evil plan of the Graveyard Ghoul was born. Unfortunately, the flame-broiling grill was incredibly dangerous so close to my gas lines. I had to stop it. Which led to my capture. Sadly, I, the evil count Evallo von Meanskrieg, would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for this Sheriff and his American-style barbecue.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''closes the police car door'') You all saw that, right? I caught the right guy, and on purpose! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': (''prepares grape juice'') I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would.
:'''Pericles''': Of course, Ricky. I'm happy you invited me.
:'''Ricky''': To a future of unimaginable wealth.
:'''Pericles''': To the treasure. For with it, we shall rule the world.
:'''Ricky''': A meeting of this momentous importance deserves some mood music. (''turns on the radio'')
:'''Cassidy''': ''Remember, all you listeners out there, something bad is going down at Crystal Cove. And by down, I mean underneath. Watch out for any foul play, especially of the feathered kind.
:'''Pericles''': (''shuts down the radio'') Ahh, Cassidy. If we are to continue, she will need to be silenced ''forever''.
:'''Ricky''': Agreed. Forever.
:(''Pericles and Ricky clink glasses'')

===Night on Haunted Mountain===
:'''Daphne''': How in the world did a ship get all the way up here?
:'''Velma''': Maybe this can tell us. It's the ship's manifest. The writing's in Español, but I aced honor's Spanish. I can translate. &quot;I fear I may have doomed us all. After months of filling our hold... &quot;
:(''In the flashback with narrating conquistador'')
:'''Conquistador''': ...with treasure, we were about to set sail when word was delivered of an even greater prize: a sarcophagus of the purest crystal, filled to the brim with black pearls of immense value. A king's ransom! The men and I were overtaken with a desire to find this great treasure. And after several months of searching, find it we did. What we didn't realize was that the Entity that dwelled inside that crystal sarcophagus had been searching for us as well. In our thirst for power and wealth, we had discovered a terrible evil. It preyed upon our fears, driving us to commit Horrible acts. Finally, in an act of desperation to stop what we had become, I set the ship ashore on the mission coast, in a cove we named after what we would soon bring there: '''Crystal Cove'''.
:(''Flashback interrupted'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Ha ha! Like, that means...
:'''Fred''': These are the conquistadors that founded our town!
:'''Daphne''': The ones that disappeared!
:(''Flashback continues'')
:'''Conquistador''': I used the arcanical ''Disco Planisférico'', to map our location, and we buried the evil treasure deep, deep underground. Then, we broke the disk into 6 pieces and went our separate ways. I concealed my piece aboard the ship and artfully protected it by a large number of lethal mechanical devices. I brought the ship here, to the top of this mountain, to stay hidden forever.
:(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Velma''': It's signed Fernando El Aguirre, captain of the &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; of Spain.
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! You know what this means? The fifth piece of the Planispheric Disk is right here on this ship!
:'''Shaggy''': Then let's find it and get out of here before that crazy chick shows up again! Hoo-hoo!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''sniffs'') There's that smell again. Of course. (''sees the broken disguise in the right leg'') HOT DOG WATER. (''The Dark Lilith runs away with the piece #5 of the Planispheric Disk'') Marcie, wait!
:'''Dark Lilith/Marcie''': (''unmasks herself'') Hello, Velma.
:'''Velma''': Why would you--wait. Of course. Mr. E. You're still working for him. But you couldn't outwit the captain's traps without Fred.
:'''Marcie''': That's right. So humiliating to have to rely on a guy. I repurposed my old Manticore outfit and super helium technology to create the Dark Lilith disguise. Then, I lured Gary and Ethan here by falsely telling them professional soccer players worked their calf muscles on Mount Diabla. I knew Fred would talk you guys into investigating what happened to them. Then, Fred could spring the traps, and I could get the piece. (''sighs'') But you're a hard girl to fool, V. I'm glad you recognized me.
:'''Velma''': Me too. So, how's this gonna end?
:'''Marcie''': (''sadly gives the piece to Velma'') Here. Friendship should always come first, and-- well, you're the only friend I've ever had.
:'''Velma''': What about Mr. E? He'll hunt you down and destroy you.
:'''Marcie''': He'll have to catch me first. See you around, Velma Dinkley. (''walks away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Way to go, Velma! I thought Dark Lilith was going to end up with the fifth piece for sure.
:'''Scooby''': Where'd the evil lady go?
:'''Velma''': No idea. Flew away, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Well, gang, with the 3 pieces we have, the two pieces Pericles stole, that means there's--
:'''Scooby''': Just one more piece to go.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, and why do I get the feeling that even if we don't find number 6? It'll end up finding us.
:(''The gang drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost of a Conquistador''': Nibiru. (''laughs and slowly fades'')

===Grim Judgement===
:'''Daphne''': Looks like Hebediah Grim won't be judging anybody, now that we know he's really...
:(''Scooby and Daphne unmasks the 2 Hebediah Grims'')
:'''Scooby''': Gary and Ethan.
:'''Ethan''': Ugh! How did you know?
:'''Gary''': Yeah! We were, like, totally sneaky!
:'''Velma''': Not so totally, I'm afraid. The odd indentations in Hebediah Grim's footprints turned out to be soccer cleat marks. Gary's chat video was pre-recorded. I hacked your laptop and found the original recordings.
:'''Fred''': Two missing costumes meant there could be two Hebediah Grims.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, worst of all, you guys tried to frame Doogle McGuiness by putting a yearbook on his porch: Ethan's yearbook!
:'''Velma''': So judge that, you losers. (''throws the yearbook hardly'') Booyah! Who wants to judge me now? Huh? Who? You want to judge me? You? In your face! YEAH!
:'''Scooby''': Velma, you're scaring me.
:'''Fred''': The real question is, why? Why did you guys do it?
:'''Gary and Ethan''': Girls.
:'''Gary''': Duh. We wanted to terrify girls and then rescue them so they'd fall for us, just like the knights did in the old west before the dragons went away.
:'''Ethan''': Yeah. Knights terrorize and save damsels to score dates with them all the time.
:'''Fred''': Huh. I never thought about it that way.
:'''Daphne''': But why did you both dress up?
:'''Ethan''': We don't trust each other. Tag-teaming was the only option.
:'''Gary''': And we would have gotten away with it if any of you mystery, stink losers had lives.

===Night Terrors===
:'''Velma''': Now, let's see who's really behind all this Terrorwood smoke. (''unmasks the Fiend'')
:'''Everyone''': Dan Fluunk?
:'''Daphne''': That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Shaggy''': You seemed like the nicest guy.
:'''Scooby''': Why, Dan? Why?
:'''Dan''': It's this place. I can't take it! I've been here since I was born. My family's been caretakers of the Burlington Mansion, and then, the Burlington Library, for generations. I was born here, been here every day of my life, all alone up here on this mountain, tending this darn library! Where it always seemed to be snowing and I could never get warm. Never! I hate the cold. I hate the snow! But the library could never be closed. I never got a vacation, not one. I found out about the Terrorwood when I accidentally burned some. So I decided to use it to scare away anyone and everyone that came here. So eventually, no one would come anymore, and I could close the place forever and go someplace warm. And I would have done it, too, been somewhere warm by now, if it wasn't for you meddling snow-bound brats. (''Next scene, outside of Burlington Library, Dan Fluunk is taken into custody by two deputies'') I don't mind going to prison. Not one bit! At least I'll finally be someplace warm! (''laughs hysterically'')

===The Midnight Zone===
:(''In K-Ghoul, Cassidy is speaking through microphone'')
:'''Cassidy''': That's why I'm here to tell you the truth. There aren't any real ghosts in Crystal Cove. It's like the open-all-hours gym, it just isn't open all hours. And that's just the tip of the false-berg. Give me time, and I will tell you everything I know about Crystal Cove enough to blow your mind. Aah! (''the wall is exploded interrupting her, a big robot soldier arrives'') You just made a big mistake. Hyah! (''attacks robot throwing discs, it tries punching her, she dodges it'') (''attacks robot with metal stick, it throws lounge chair to her, she dodges it again'') Hyah! (''decapitates robot head with a kick'') Don't think you can come in my house and make a mess.
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German meaning self-destruction and counts'')
:'''Cassidy''': Oh, great.
:(''Cassidy runs away from K-Ghoul and survives from the explosion by self-destrucing robot soldier'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives with Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy! We heard about the explosion! Are you hurt?
:'''Fred''': We brought ointment.
:(''Cassidy shows her big shotgun'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gasps'')
:'''Shaggy''': She hates ointment!
:'''Cassidy''': Hit the dirt!
:(''The gang gets down behind a big robot soldier, Cassidy shoots it'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy, what's going on?
:'''Velma''': Start with why there's a World War II-era robot on the ground.
:'''Cassidy''': We can't talk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, why were you attacked by a robot?
:'''Cassidy''': Actually, I've been attacked by 6 robots. It started last week, and it's getting worse. I would have told you sooner, but you all don't trust me.
:'''Velma''': With good reason. You lied to us.
:'''Cassidy''': I hear you. But I've changed. Ask me anything, and I will tell you the truth.
:'''Daphne''': OK. What's the story with you and Mr. E? Why did you help him?
:'''Cassidy''': It's, um, complicated.
:'''Daphne''': (''sighs'') Wrong answer.
:(''Another robot rises in the ocean'')
:'''Velma''': Hold on, gang. Check this out. (''picks up a small sea thing inside robot arm'') Interesting. This is a Lassiter Gringol mollusk.
:'''Scooby''': Looks like a snail. Yecch!
:'''Velma''': It is a snail, Scooby, a rare sea snail, (''a robot soldier sees the gang, preparing to attack'') whose picky mollusk diet restricts it to a deep Costa marine trench, located right off Crystal Cove. These robots must have an underwater origin in that trench. (''robot soldier arrives in front of the gang'') Aaah!
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German, tries to attack the gang but it's hit by an arrow and hits the wall'')
:'''Skipper''': Go back to the deep where you came from, you scurvy tin fish! You rusty scalawags are worse than sea rats! (''to the gang'') Sorry about that, kids. Free brine and cuttlefish on the house.
:'''Fred''': Gang, we need to get to that trench.
:'''Daphne''': And I know someone who can get us there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There she is.
:'''Cassidy''': It's over, Miss October Pest. Call off the bots. (''turns the chair and sees the corpse'') Ugh!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is worse than robots.
:'''Frau's corpse''': ''Nibiru.''
:'''Scooby''': Did that thing... just ''whisper?''
:'''Fred''': I heard it, too. It sounded like...
:'''Velma''': Nibiru.
:'''Daphne''': You think that was her name?
:'''Velma''': No. Her name was Frau Abigail Glück. She was part of the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the mystery-solving gang formed by Burlington in the 1880s. And when I got back from the Burlington Library, someone had pinned a picture of another mystery-solving group on my wall: The Darrow Family.
:'''Daphne''': Including us and the original Mystery Incorporated? That makes 4 groups.
:'''Velma''': My guess-- there's more. Almost as if ''this'' has all happened before.
:(''Pericles and the Kriegstaffebots appear'')
:'''Pericles''': Exactly right. Mystery Incorporated.
:'''Everyone''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Pericles''': Ah! Lovely. I see you have met what's left of Frau Glück. I met Frau Glück in Bavaria in the 1930s. She discovered the missionaries possessed the fifth and the sixth pieces of the Planispheric Disk. She built this lab and a host of robots to aid her search for the pieces. I finally found this lab and continued the Frau's work, building a legion of her Kriegstaffebots to retrieve the pieces for me. My holographic masquerade as Frau Glück bought my bots all the time they needed. And I would have gotten away with eliminating Cassidy if it weren't for you meddling kids. Now that I have everything I need, I can dispose of this place and all of you at the same time. (''takes the piece of the Planispheric Disk'') Farewell, darling kinder. Farewell. (''escapes the underwater lab in an escape capsule'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We're leaving now!
:'''Tub''': I wish! Moby's stuck!
:'''Tom''': The only way we can leave is if someone stays behind and keeps the doors open with this manual override lever!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll do it.
:'''Daphne''': No!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll be right behind you. Trust me, I'm a fast swimmer. (''The gang feels a bit shocked'') Go! I'll be fine. Go.
:(''The gang, Tom and Tub enter the submarine, Daphne stays to talk'')
:'''Daphne''': What we were talking about before, about regret-- you weren't talking about me and Fred. You were talking about you and Mr. E. You loved him once, didn't you?
:'''Cassidy''': (''last words'') What E and I had, we lost a long time ago. Don't make the same mistake I did. Now, go!
:(''Cassidy keeps the switch that opened the door and the submarine escapes the laboratory destroyed'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Do you see her?
:'''Tom''': Don't worry. She's here somewhere.
:(''The seal Scooby appears in the water, calling the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': Look, gang. He's holding something.
:(''The seal Scooby shows the broken helmet'')
:'''Daphne''': Ah! (''The gang is sad'') Oh no! No, Fred. (''cries'')
:'''Fred''': Easy, Daphne. I'm sure she got out. Right, guys?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Definitely.
:'''Scooby''': She saved us.
:'''Velma''': I guess maybe... we were wrong about Cassidy.

===Scarebear===
:'''Daphne''': Where are we?
:'''Fred''': It looks like an avocado orchard.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Ooh. Guacamole.
:'''Velma''': Lithium. Toxic. See what it's doing to the Avocados?
:'''Fred''': Look, tracks!
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:(''The gang looks at the tracks and think they see the Scarebear in the dark, George Avocados arrives'')
:'''Fred''': George Avocados?
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados, you delinquent. What are you doing on my land?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, this is your land?
:'''Avocados''': My family has farmed avocados on this land for generations. Because you horrid children unmasked my dear father as a diamond thief, my reputation has been besmirched, forcing me to work my fingers to the bone so I can keep myself in the wealthy manner to which I have become accustomed.
:'''Daphne''': You know, if you're looking to make some money, I bet you could sell that coat for... (''Avocados looks a bit annoyed at her'') Hmm.
:(''A small creature falls to the ground, and runs with spider paws to the top of the tree'')
:'''Velma''': Uh, is that normal avocado behavior?
:'''Avocados''': Destroido! They're ruining my crops, and there's nothing I can do about it!
:'''Fred''': Why not?
:'''Avocados''': Because, dim young man, Destroido won't even allow me onto their property without a Destroido passport, which only they can issue. Now, get off my land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. E''': ARREST THEM!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Now, hold on, sheriff?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Now, it's time to see who the Scarebear really is.
:(''Fred unmasks Scarebear'')
:'''Everyone''': Benson Fuhrman?
:'''Benson''': That's right. And Fuhrman isn't my real name. It's Hairmore.
:'''Fred''': Why did you change it?
:'''Benson''': Isn't it obvious, man? Hairmore would give me away as the Scarebear and, duh. All I wanted was to expose Destroido for the sick, soul-destroying evil that it is. Destroido ruins lives and pays the victims to keep quiet. Well, this is one victim who won't remain quiet any longer.
:'''Daphne''': How are you a victim? You look fine.
:'''Benson''': Do I, pretty scarlet-headed temptress? What if I told you that I am not, in fact, wearing a bear suit, but I'm covered completely in animal hair?
:'''Fred''': Except for your face?
:'''Benson''': It would be covered, too, square-jawed, handsome young hero, if I didn't have to shave every few hours just to maintain my non-hirsute appearance. You see: I purchased a bottle of gentle rain flower body wash for men, a heavenly scent designed to bring the ladies running. What I didn't know was that the company, Musky Farms, is a division of Destroido, and that there's a side effect. When I contacted Destroido about the product turning me into a hairy bear-man, the company acted as if what had happened to me was nothing. They tried to pay me off. Destroido ruined my life. So I was determined to find evidence that their body wash was toxic. I got the job as head of security and created the Scarebear suit out of taxidermied bear parts. I'm particularly proud of the claws which I purchased from a school for gifted children. I discovered that gentle rain flower was originally marketed as a lawn growth fertilizer that was so toxic, it destroyed an entire town. They didn't even change the formula. I was in the process of uploading the incriminating files to my website when you kids broke into my lab. My plan was to finally expose Destroido tonight at their own charity ball. I wanted to show the entire world what they had done. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling, mutant animal-hating kids.
:'''Fred''': Gee. I feel kind of bad that we got in the way. Destroido deserves to be exposed.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Unfortunately, since Destroido is its own sovereign nation, I can't arrest anyone.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Sheriff! (''hugs Sheriff Stone'') You're wonderful!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Huh?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I'll explain it later.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, speaking of explaining, we still don't know who set the bomb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': They do not suspect us of having set the bomb. Excellent.
:'''Ricky''': Not so excellent, however, is the fact that it didn't work. That idiot trap fiend found a way to blow up my bomb, and the gang walked free. I would have destroyed my own company to get those Planispheric Disk pieces. These children are proving hard to handle.
:'''Pericles''': We must find another way. Perhaps somebody close who can betray the kinder without them ever seeing it coming.
:'''Ricky''': Of course. Brad and Judy.
:'''Pericles''': Question is, will they be willing to betray their only son?

===Wrath of the Krampus===
:'''Pericles''': Perfect.
:'''Judy''': All the pieces of...
:'''Brad''': The Planispheric Disk are ours!
:'''Ricky''': I believe it's time to put all of it together.
:(''The old gang goes to the lair and find that the pieces are gone, only DVD'')
:'''Brad''': I don't understand.
:'''Judy''': Where are our pieces?
:(''Ricky plays the DVD on the DVD player'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Fred''': ''If you're watching this, you're probably wondering what's happened to your pieces of the Planispheric Disk. In a word, you've been scammed, conned, bamboozled.''
:'''Daphne''': ''That's 3 words, Fred, but I think they get the idea. We did this to you.''
:'''Scooby''': ''Yeah.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And we will be more than happy to tell you how we did it.''
:'''Velma''': ''It was all an elaborate plan masterminded by your very own Freddie.''
:'''Fred''': ''We created Krampus by borrowing Charlie the Haunted Robot and dressing him up in clothes we bought off German gypsies who live in Crystal Cove's haunted forest.''
:'''Velma''': ''As for Krampus moving around, he was being remote controlled by Jason Wyatt, who agreed to help for lenience from the Mayor on his mother's sentence.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, Jason also helped create an invisible aerosol that was used to turn hair white and make it grow long for added effect.''
:'''Fred''': ''We needed to keep you away from the vault. You following us following Krampus was the perfect way to keep you distracted so we could carry out our master plan: Breaking into Mr. E's vault.''
:'''Daphne''': ''Freddy planted a bug on Brad Chiles' clothing so that we could get the code to the vault.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And once we had that code...''
:'''Velma''': ''We could give it to our operative. Someone with intimate knowledge of Mr. E's lair: Hot Dog Water.''
:'''Ricky''': (''surprised'') Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': ''I still know how to get in touch with her.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, when Velma told Hot Dog Water what we had planned, HDW was in.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And while we stole the real pieces...''
:'''Fred''': ''You were stealing fake ones.''
:'''Daphne''': ''The real pieces were instead safely hidden with the one person no one would ever suspect: Fred's fake father, the ex-Mayor Jones.''
:'''Fred''': ''My not-really-my-dad dad may have betrayed us once to get the disk pieces, but when he heard what we were planning, he was more than glad to help us take you down.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And, like, Mary Anne Gleardan also agreed to help us after the current Mayor offered her lenience on her sentence.''
:'''Scooby''': ''She really wants to go back to the seventh grade.''
:'''Fred''': ''I guess I secretly hoped you guys might not try to steal the pieces from us. But I guess I always knew you would. Which leaves me with only one thing left to say: Real mom, real dad, don't expect me home for dinner. Ever.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And we're taking Nova with us, too. You don't deserve her.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The old gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh. Let's see what it looks like: The whole Planispheric Disk.
:(''The gang reassembles the pieces of the Planispheric Disk'')
:(''The disk is shining'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa.
:'''Velma''': It's beautiful.
:'''Fred''': We have the whole thing. That leaves only one question.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do now?
:(''The next scene depicts the crystal coffin with eyes glowing beneath Crystal Cove'')
:'''Crystal coffin's voice''': ''Nibiru.'' (''laughs'')

===Heart of Evil===
:'''Dr. Zin''': (''crying'') I have failed you, my dragon. What bitterness to lose with the Quest-X power source in our grasp. It's all your fault!
:'''Dynomutt''': My fault? Gee, what'd I do? I hadn't a clue!
:'''Blue Falcon''': Allow me to elucidate, Dog Wonder. It's time you knew the truth. 
::(''In the flashback, Radley Crown shoots the gun to Dragon, Dragon grabs him'')
::'''Blue Falcon''': (''narrates'') ''You were once an ordinary but beloved security dog... until tragedy struck.''
::(''The dog bites Dragon's back that explodes, dog loses consciousness'')
::(''Next scene in the laboratory'')
::'''Dr. Quest''': Radley, I was able to replace most of Reggie's damaged body parts with robotic replacements. Now, for the tricky part: the heart.
::'''Race Bannon''': But doctor, are you telling me you're going to power this dog with the most powerful generator on the planet?
::'''Dr. Quest''': He's a living thing, Race, and deserves no less.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:(''Dynomutt chuckles'')
:'''Velma''': But Dynomutt wasn't the only cyborg created in that explosion, was he, Dr. Zin?
:'''Dr. Zin''': No. Stealing the Quest-X was to be a trial run for my greatest creation: the Dragon battle suit. So, precious was this invention, I trusted only one person to test it: my own daughter. The accident fused the suit to Jenny and has been feeding off of her life force ever since. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': The Dragon registered a heat signature on Mr. E's scanners.
:'''Fred''': But why the obsession with Dynomutt?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Not the dog, the Quest-X inside! With that to power the Dragon suit, my Jenny would survive. But now...
:'''Blue Falcon''': I had no idea.
:'''Dynomutt''': Oh, my goodness gracious! Why didn't you say so? Never to busy to help a fellow cyborg with a jump start.
:(''Dynomutt uses a power cable to the Dragon suit'')
:'''Blue Falcon''': Dog Wonder, no! The feedback could destroy you both!
:'''Fred''': It's gonna blow!
:(''The Dragon suit almost exploded with a flash, it raised and opened itself to release Dr. Zin's daughter, Jenny, she collapsed, Dr. Zin helped her'')
:'''Jenny''': Father?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Jenny!
:'''Scooby''': Aww! Isn't that sweet? (''giggles'')
:'''Dr. Zin''': Robot dog, meddling kids, man in bird suit, you have my thanks. I have spent so many years pursuing my evil plan of global domination, I sometimes forget the beauty of a simple act of selfless kindness. (''Fred and Daphne smile at each other'') (''mocking'') It's a pity you must all now be destroyed as this island explodes with the fury of 1,000 suns! (''Both Dr. Zin and Jenny laugh'')
:'''Jenny''': Good one, dad! Let's motor.
:(''Dr. Zin and Jenny escape with their jetpacks'') 
:'''Dynomutt''': Well, for an evil, crazed scientist, he certainly has a unique sense of humor.
:'''Shaggy''': Let's get out of here!
:'''Scooby''': Yipe!
:(''The gang with Blue Falcon and Dynomutt escape the island'')

===Theater of Doom===
:'''Brad''': But--
:'''Ricky''': Stifle it, Chiles. Pericles has the floor.
:'''Pericles''': So, the kinder still have the disk. You couldn't even manipulate your own son? Pathetic.
:'''Brad''': Fine. We failed.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Not now, Judy. (''to Pericles'') Aren't you the smart one who should have seen through Fred's ruse?
:'''Pericles''': Don't push me, older pretty boy. I want those pieces, and since you and your sweet, dumb bride failed me, it is up to you to recover them before people get ''hurt''. (''his paws break the table part'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Alright, Velma, start singing.
:'''Velma''': Uh. ''[sings; Friar Serra and His Donkey, Porto while playing the Acoustic Guitar. Gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who this ghostly monk really is. (''unmasks Serra's face'')
:'''Everyone''': George Avocados? (''The crowd is surprised'')
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''--ah. Oh, forget it. That's right. It is me.
:'''Fred''': Yes! Finally! I knew you'd be the villain eventually.
:'''Avocados''': All right, you got me. And I suppose you're wondering, after so many prior misdirects, why now.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, no. Not really. We kind of always knew you were evil.
:'''Avocados''': Hmmph! Okay, fine. Then my tale should not surprise. It all began after I failed in politics. I had no choice but to go into the family business: Farming avocados. Everything was going so well until you mystery brats blew up my crops. I then tried my hand at fortune telling. But when that endeavor failed... I fell back on the A''voc''ados legacy of stealing other people's things. I located the A''voc''ados diamond, stolen by my father. Turns out, it actually was disguised as a door knob, not on a door in Crystal Cove, but on a door at the Burlington Library. When I found out it was among the artifacts sent here for the production. I took a job as a janitor. I needed everyone to stay clear of the basement to give me time to look. I hid the body of Friar Serra in a closet and assumed his identity. Knowing this town's gullibility, I knew a ghost story would give me room to hunt. And I would have succeeded, TOO, if it weren't for Vincent van Ghoul.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Moi?
:'''Velma''': So the brown residue that was left behind...
:'''Avocados''': That's right. Guacamole! Now, I want my diamond! (''tries to grab the diamond staff but Daphne grabbed it'')
:'''Daphne''': Let me see something. This crystal is the diamond!
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, hold on. If you were the friar, how did you appear at the rehearsals?
:'''Avocados''': I didn't. I assumed that was you meddling kids trying to trick me into revealing myself.
:'''Everyone''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Friar Serra''': You are still in danger. The story of Crystal Cove is a lie. The donkey never tried to help save the town, but to destroy it. There were 4 of us and Porto in the Fraternum House Mysterium, a group of mystery-solving friars. We encountered a conquistador. He told us a tale of great evil before his madness got the best of him, and he vanished in the night, he left behind two oddly-marked disk pieces. We quickly became obsessed with the pieces. We realized that there was an evil at work. We attempted to destroy the pieces to rid us and the town of evil, but the evil would not allow us. The evil manipulated Porto. Porto set out to destroy the town. We chased Porto to the alligator-infested swamps, outside of town. Porto was dragged away by the alligators, but not before I was able to retrieve the one piece he took. The other piece, thankfully was lost at the bottom of the ocean when Crystal Cove sank into the sea. It was up to me, now, to hide the last piece. Beware, Nibiru is coming. This has all happened before, it begins with the animal. Always the animal. Heed the warning of the alligators! ''The dog dies!'' (''Friar Serra's corpse crumbles to dust'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gulps'') &quot;The dog dies&quot;? Is he talking about me?!

===Aliens Among Us===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Don't get too close. They still might have some alien brain-stealing items ready to deploy.
:'''Velma''': That might be true if they were really aliens, but they are, in fact, (''unmasks the Grey, Nordic Alien and Reptoid'') Traveler O'Flaherty, Sheela O'Flaherty and Connor O'Flaherty.
:'''Fred''': Ah, usually, we all recognize the villain and shout out his name in unison.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, Velm. Mind cluing us in?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I know all the criminals in Crystal Cove, and these jerks aren't ringing a bell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you had a wanted poster for them on your wall.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Oh, please. Nobody ever pays attention to those. What is this, the old west?
:'''Traveler O'Flaherty''': Were that it were, boyo. Then perhaps we could've earned an honest living. When I was a wee lad, we couldn't even afford peat for our fire. So I had to lift it. It turned out I was a right good thief, but then I discovered there were things I could steal other than coal, and wouldn't you know it, my kids had an aptitude for the family business as well. We started getting a reputation for our business, and there were our faces splashed all over the universe. Aye. 'Twas then we got the idea for the costumes because who'd ever say they saw an outer space creature stealing a flat-screen television set? I found out about the Blakes purchasing the Pangaea. Seemed like it was right up our alley, and we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you frittering snappers. (''after a short silence'') Meddling kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But I know what I saw: the aliens, the cornfield, my nose chip!
:'''Velma''': Actually, Sheriff, during your hypnotic regression, Shaggy and Scooby smelled something on your breath.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Bad clams.
:'''Velma''': The clams induced a hallucination that made everything seem real.
:'''Daphne''': What about the lights on the road?
:'''Velma''': A weather balloon that got loose from the army.
:'''Fred''': And the Mystery Machine fritzing out?
:'''Velma''': Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time created an electromagnetic pulse that shut the Mystery Machine's engine down.
:'''Daphne''': The crop circle?
:'''Velma''': A farmer writing &quot;I love you&quot;, to his wife for their anniversary.
:'''Daphne''': Aw, we must've been standing in the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Or the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;you.&quot;
:'''Daphne''': It was the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love&quot;, Fred.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': So I wasn't repeatedly abducted and experimented on by aliens?
:'''Fred''': Doesn't seem so, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Then I'm no longer a victim. And you, O'Flaherty family, are under arrest for THIEVERY AND IMPERSONATION OF INVADERS FROM OUTER SPACE, AND you're going away for a ''long'', long time.

===The Horrible Herd===
:'''Shaggy''': So, like, I don't understand. The Planispheric Disk led us to dig up this crazy old flintlock. Does that mean this is the treasure?
:'''Velma''': No. It might be worth a little something as an antique, but the cursed treasure of Crystal Cove is supposed to be immense beyond all imagining.
:'''Daphne''': Like love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Excuse me, Mr. farmer. What happened to your farm?
:'''Farmer''': Farm? I ain't got no farm. It's gone, all of it. That horrible herd ate everything except the silo. (''to Martha'') Martha, we are leaving.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, did I just heard you say hear? I mean, uh, ha ha ha, hear you say herd.
:'''Fred''': Herd of what?
:'''Farmer''': Skull cattle. Ugliest darn things.
:'''Velma''': Guys, look at these weird hoof prints. They don't make any sense.
:'''Farmer''': If you really want to get all nosy about it, you should talk to the other farmers in the area. The herd paid them a visit, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': So you're saying that this herd of skull cattle also destroyed your farms?
:'''Sullen female farmer''': What's the matter with you? You got potatoes in your ears, huh?
:'''Fred''': Huh? Nope, not today. I once had luminescent swamp moss stuffed in my ears when I was trapping toads as a baby. But it came out. Eventually.
:'''Velma''': Ay. Please, go on.
:'''Sullen female farmer''': Like a plague of locusts they was. Coming out of the night, they devoured everything in their path.
:'''Male farmer''': I reckon she's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I mapped all the attacks on all the farms in the area, and look, they create an outline of a magnifying glass just like the one the old Mystery Incorporated used as their symbol. It's centered around Destroido.
:'''Daphne''': Cute little moo cows turned into horrible monsters. There's only one mind evil enough to come up with something like that.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Daphne''': Velma, is there anyway we can spy on the old Mystery Incorporated? Didn't you say Hot Dog Water hooked us up somehow at Destroido?
:'''Velma''': I almost forgot. Hot Dog Water left us a back door into the Destroido security system when she was there stealing the Planispheric Disk pieces.
:'''Fred''': Can you get more volume?
:(''Velma gets the high volume of the laptop'')
:'''Ricky''': ''You have gone too far this time, Pericles. Too far!'' (''The next scene depicts the conversation of Ricky (Mr. E) and Professor Pericles'') This macabre herd of skull cattle you've created is costing millions of Destroido's money. '''''My''''' money. And I currently have 28 of my best scientists listed as presumed missing.
:'''Scientist''': (''heard in the other room'') No, NO! AAAAAHH!
:'''Ricky''': Make that 29.
:'''Pericles''': Ricky, one cannot make a genius omelet without breaking a few worthless eggs. Right, Brad and Judy?
:'''Brad''': You said it, Professor Pericles.
:'''Judy''': He's a genius, right, Brad?
:'''Brad''': He sure is, Judy. He sure is.
:'''Pericles''': And make no mistake, Ricky, I will break any egg that gets in my way: Ed Machine, Cassidy Williams, or perhaps even you. My herd of skull cattle is perfect in every way. I have crossbred cows, piranhas, and bees to create ultimate monsters. And I'm their master. My precious creations exist for one purpose: ''to devour Crystal Cove.'' My herd of male drones shall level this city to the ground, leaving nowhere for the Mystery kinder to hide the Planispheric Disk.
:(''The next scene depicts that the gang listened Pericles's evil plan'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, he's gonna destroy Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': Come on, gang. We have to warn the town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Gang, this is all our fault.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Isn't it always?
:'''Daphne''': Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?
:'''Velma''': Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Soon Crystal Cove will cease to exist and the Planispheric Disk shall be ''mine.'' THEN no one will ever stand in my way AGAIN. (''laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.
:'''Daphne''': I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.
:'''Shaggy''': I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.
:'''Scooby''': Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.
:'''Daphne''': That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.
:'''Velma''': Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...
:'''Fred''': We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Saving Crystal Cove.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity ''is pretty darn good.''
:'''Fred''': My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You did it, kids. You saved the town.
:'''Daphne''': I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.
:'''Fred''': Look. (''The horrible herd rise in the ocean'') Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.
:(''The horrible herd swim away from Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Whoa. What have we done?
:'''Shaggy''': You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.
:(''Everyone walk away from the horrible herd in the ocean'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby and Shaggy are searching Nova'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. Nova! Nova!
:'''Shaggy''': (''finds Nova lying on the ground'') Scooby-Doo, over there!
:(''Scooby grabs Nova alive and injured'')
:'''Scooby''': She's alive. Come on, we have to get her to the hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': ''My'' plan, ruined by those '''meddling kinder.''' They will pay. All of them. They will ''pay''.

===Dance of the Undead===
:'''Martha Quinn''': Hang on. I've prepared a slideshow on every music group from the last 60 years. (''shows the gang with a slide projector'') Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics. Poor Rude Boy could never quite ride the fame train the way he wanted, so it's said that he turned to voodoo magic to further his career. He cast love spells on the audience. He cursed other bands. Once, he even cast an enchantment of never-ending pain on a synthesizer. Real crazy stuff. Rude Boy always said he would come back from the grave. And now, it looks like he has.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Scooby''': Doesn't anybody ever stay dead around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': These citizens were found at the Tiki Tub. They're dancing, and they can't stop.
:'''Daphne''': That dance is called skanking. It's how you're meant to dance to ska music. And you said dance class was a waste of time.
:'''Velma''': Oy. Doctor, what's the prognosis?
:'''Doctor''': If we can't find a cure within 24 hours, they will dance themselves into a permanent cataleptic state. They will become zombies for the rest of their lives!
:(''The gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Zombies Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics arrive and play their hit at the top of City Hall'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': (''laughs'')
:'''Fred''': It's Rude Boy!
:'''Velma''': Quick, cover your ears!
:(''Martha, Ian and the gang covered their ears except Shaggy and Scooby'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': Dance!
:'''Martha Quinn''': We have to fight this MUSICALLY! We need ultimate POWER CHORD!
:(''Martha, Ian and the people start dancing unwittingly'')
:'''Fred''': I'm fighting it, but I can't resist their catchy use of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and rhythm and blues!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, why isn't it affecting you?
:'''Scooby''': I'm a dog. Music is just noise to us.
:'''Shaggy''': And, like, you've heard me sing. I'm totally tone deaf.
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! Scooby! You're our only hope! It's up to you to save the town! It's up to you to save us!
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma start dancing. Shaggy and Scooby are shocked'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what do we do, Scoob? Everyone in town is a total ska zombie, and we have to save them! But, like, we don't know anything about music!
:'''Scooby''': We don't, but we know people who do.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''watch the Hex Girls poster'') The Hex Girls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who's really behind the evil ska music. Rude Boy is actually... (''unmasks the Zombie Rude Boy'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Rude Boy?
:(''Shaggy, Daphne and Velma unmask the three Zombie Ska-tastics'')
:'''Ian Hope''': You're alive! But the plane crashed 30 years ago.
:'''Velma''': Was an elaborate hoax, wasn't it, Mr. Rude Boy?
:'''Rude Boy''': Oi. You blighters got it in for me, right. But yeah, we faked the whole bloomin' thing. All I ever wanted to do was play ska and be super rich and super famous. But apparently, it just wasn't in the tarot cards, maybe the fact that we only had one song had something to do with it. So me and ''me'' mates, the Ska-tastics here, we decided we'd fake our own deaths. Then, we could write the perfect song and return to take the music world by storm.
:'''Martha Quinn''': I don't understand, Rude Boy. Why did you wait 30 years to make a comeback?
:'''Rude Boy''': Ah, don't be such a muppet, Martha Quinn. We planned to be only gone one year, but writing the perfect song took bloomin' forever. By the time we'd cracked it, ska wasn't popular anymore. But everyone loves the undead. So, we began dressing as zombie mogs, riding our undead scooters and wearing polycarbonite-lined skull masks to hide our identity.
:'''Velma''': So, in the end, desperate for success, Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics unleashed a dancing plague on the world using an inharmonic chord with special frequencies designed to induce post-hypnotic suggestion to sell their music.
:'''Fred''': Just as I thought, but didn't say. Dance them away, Sheriff. We are done here.
:(''Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics walk dancing into the police car'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is visiting Nova at the hospital'')
:'''Scooby''': Oh, Nova, it's getting weirder and weirder. Things aren't as easy to explain anymore. It feels like something is going to happen, something ''bad''. What do you think, Nova? (''watches the heart monitor and slowly, it stops'') Nova? Nova? (''Nova's eyes open and Scooby giggles and is surprised when she rises up'')
:'''Nova''': Nibiru. Nibiru is coming. (''lies back in bed and closes her eyes'')

===The Devouring===
:'''Scooby''': All the food is gone.
:'''Shaggy''': It ate, like, everything.
:'''Daphne''': What ''was'' that thing?
:'''Rick Spartan''': That is the Gluten Demon. If we don't stop it, it'll devour the entire food supply and starve us all, until there's nothing, and no one left alive in Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who the Gluten Demon really is. (''unmasks the Gluten Demon'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Cachinga and Rick Spartan''': Francilee Jackson!
:'''Velma''': Not a big surprise after the work that Cachinga, Daphne, and I did. Francilee's cooking show wasn't taped before a live audience. She made the tape herself, allowing her to work the special effects and adding in the Gluten Demon during editing.
:'''Cachinga''': Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer.
:'''Daphne''': As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse.
:'''Velma''': And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cachinga's salad lunch so insanely.
:'''Daphne''': The only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Francilee''': Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish: The double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce! Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the Gluten Demon. I dressed up like that and started destroying every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hating health fanatics!
:'''Deputy''': That's it, boys. Let's roll her away.
:(''The 2 deputies roll Francilee to the police car'')
:'''Francilee''': (''the bowl rolls away from her'') My bowl! My precious bowl! NO! My bowl! It's mine! MINE!
:(''Daphne grabs the bowl'')
:'''Cachinga''': It's ancient maya by the look of it.
:'''Daphne''': (''reads the bowl'') ''TERCERO LLAVE''. It's the third key.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': So you see, Professor Pericles, it's over. You're not the boss here. I am. And you're out of the group.
:'''Pericles''': (''tortures Ricky with by pressing the remote control button on Cobra larvae'') Oh, Ricky, Ricky, my loyal Brad and Judy told me of your little mutiny. So, last night while you were asleep, I put mutated cobra larvae in your spine. Every time I press this button, a little venom is released. So, as you can see, or feel, I'm still very much in control. You do as ''I'' say. First, we steal the Planispheric Disk from the kinder, then ''we'' destroy them. (''laughs hysterically'') WE DESTROY THEM! (''laughs again'')

===Stand and Deliver===
:'''Fred''':  Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.
:(''Velma unmasks Dandy Highwayman'')
:'''Everyone''': The librarian?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, seriously? But you're not even British.
:'''Scooby''': I'm so confused. Why?
:'''Librarian''': It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (''sadly'') I'm so lonely.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. How did I miss that one?
:'''Librarian''': I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the ''dream''. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.
:'''Librarian''': Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (''uncovers the earplugs'') These earplugs were the only magic I used.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!
:(''Mayor Nettles and Daphne arrive'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.
:(''Sheriff Stone and deputy take the Librarian into custody'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is in the strange dream'')
:'''Scooby''': Ohh!
:'''Dancing Man''': Scooby-Doo, your time has come. She is here.
:(''Nova arrives'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova?
:'''Nova''': I am not Nova. I've only borrowed her body so that I may bring you an urgent message. Scooby-Doo, your life is in danger.
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Nova''': I am of the Anunnaki, interdimensional beings that visit the planet earth every few thousand years. We arrive at a time call Nibiru, when the barriers between our worlds grow weak. The Anunnaki have a great history of helping humans, but we have no physical form and must inhabit animals. This is why some animals, our descendants, can talk and others cannot. But not all Anunnaki are kind and good. There are evil ones. And the most evil one of all is imprisoned beneath Crystal Cove and must not be set free. You must undo it, Scooby-Doo. Undo it all. Save yourself. Save your friends. Save the world.
:(''Scooby wakes up in the real world'')
:'''Scooby''': Hmm? Hmm? Duh! The cursed treasure is evil. Evil! We have to destroy it!
:(''Velma, Fred, Daphne and Shaggy look at Scooby, a bit shocked'')

===The Man in the Mirror===
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Sorry to bother you so early, kids. But the neighbors have been calling in constantly with reports of unearthly moaning, inhuman howling, blood curling screams...
:'''Shaggy''': In other words, same old same old.
:'''Fred''': You can count on us, Mayor Nettles.
:'''Daphne''': We'll see if there's anything mysterious going on here.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''leaves'') Thanks, kids.
:'''Velma''': Come on, come on, let's go! Let's get this over with.
:'''Fred''': After we're finished here, we need to relocate the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': We'll do it.
:'''Shaggy''': Good idea, Scoob. Yeah, you and I will re-hide the disc while you guys check out the scary house.
:'''Daphne''': You're out of luck, Shaggy. Remember? Fred hid the Disk last time. And he's the only one who knows where it is.
:'''Velma''': Oy, can we hurry? Please?
:'''Fred''': Okay, let's get started. But first, well gang, it looks like we got another...
:'''Daphne''': Mystery on our hands! Oh, Fred, we're such soul mates. We're finishing each other's sentences.
:'''Fred''': Come on, let's...
:'''Shaggy, Velma and Scooby''': Split up and look for clues?
:(''The gang splits'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I guess that means we're ''all'' soul mates, haha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred finds a strange mirror'')
:'''Fred''': Aaah! Ugh. Look at those creepy eyes! And that disgusting yellow hair! And the horrible tentacle around its neck! Makes me wanna hork. Oh. (''looks his reflection'') It's me! Phew, that was close. (''tries to leave but his reflection moves differently, he noticed, then moves to make reflection normal'') Hmm. (''turns around and his reflection pulls him into the mirror'') AAAAAAAAHHHH!! (''drops his lantern'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Hello, friends.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. Thank goodness.
:'''Evil Fred''': This place was a total bust. Nothing scary here. So let's get to school before we're late. Punctuality is an important facet of learning. Right, Daphne?
:'''Daphne''': Um, right, Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred wakes up in a destroyed and apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mirror'') What happened? (''leaves the destroyed house'') Gang? Gang! Daphne! (''tries to call Daphne in his cell phone and reads'') &quot;No Signal Anywhere!&quot;. (''walks the destroyed Crystal Cove street'') Anybody! Hello! Hellooooo! (''finds skeletons anywhere'') No. No! This is all wrong. Crystal Cove has much greener lawns and fewer skeletons. Velma! Shaggy! Scooby Doo, where are you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Scooby''': (''whimpering'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Does the dog need walking?
:'''Scooby''': I walk myself, Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''shows the Canine Grumpets'') Perhaps you would enjoy a canine crumpet.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm. That is not a Scooby snack, Fred. Humph!
:'''Evil Fred''': What difference does it make? (''Scooby is shocked'') I'm sure they all taste the same.
:'''Scooby''': (''grumbling'') You eat them, then.
:'''Evil Fred''': What was that, Scoobert?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, nothing. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''finds the Mystery Machine'') There! (''hugs it'') Ahh! There she is! (''looks the Mystery Machine's wreckage'') I don't understand any of this. What happened to Crystal Cove? What happened to the people? What happened to your groovy paintjob? (''Mystery Machine's door falls down and Fred finds the Mr. Traples half ruined'') Mr. Traples. What happened here? Please, tell me what's going on. (''finds the clothes of Velma and Shaggy in the floor'') Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. They're... They're... Oh, no. No. It's impossible. How could it get any worse? (''The green scarf appears and flies in front of Fred'') Daphne's scarf. No! It can't be! It can't be true! DAPHNE! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred is sitting outside the destroyed City Hall'')
:'''Fred''': (''sadly'') Daphne.
:'''Unknown woman''': Fred?
:'''Fred''': Cut it out, Mr. Traples. It's not funny you imitating Daphne like that.
:'''Unknown woman''': Freddie, is that really you?
:'''Fred''': Daphne?
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Fred, where have you been?
:'''Fred''': (''shocked'') Aah!
:'''Old Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, don't look at me. I'm hideous!
:'''Fred''': Daphne, is... is that really you?
:'''Old Daphne''': Of course it's me, silly. And ''jeepies'', you found my scarf. (''puts the scarf on her neck'') I've been looking all over for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': I still don't understand. I came out of that mirror and everything had changed. Why is everyone a skeleton and why are you--
:'''Old Daphne''': Do I really look so awful, Freddie?
:'''Fred''': Uh... no.
:'''Old Daphne''': When you didn't come back, something went crazy with the Planispheric Disk. Velma said it created a vortex around Crystal Cove and sped up time here. We searched everywhere for it. You hid it too well. Decades whirred by in weeks. Everyone aged quickly and one by one, turned to dust until only I was left.
:'''Fred''': I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I... I'm just a really good hider.
:'''Old Daphne''': You've got to change it back. Right up till the end, Velma said the Planispheric Disk could reverse the process. Where did you hide it, Freddie? We have to get that disk.
:'''Fred''': Then that's what we'll do. Daphne, Mr. Traples, load up. We've got a future to change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Shaggy and Scooby loved this place. It was hidden here the whole time?
:'''Fred''': Yep. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Everybody out.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, this is more like it. (''chuckles'') The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium makes me, like, f-f-famished.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''grabs Shaggy and Scooby hardly'') What's wrong with you two? You're like bottomless pits. We're not here to indulge your munchies. We're here for that Planispheric Disk.
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, you're the one who hid it here. I don't understand why you don't know where it is.
:'''Evil Fred''': Oh, you don't understand? Intellect isn't your strong suit, huh? What about you? Got any smarts in there behind those eye goggles?
:'''Velma''': Hmmph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Freddie, we've looked everywhere. It's not here.
:'''Fred''': Hey, wait a minute. You're right. This wasn't the last place I hid the disk. The trip through the mirror must have jangled my memory. Now I remember.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Never mind, change of plans. This isn't where I left it after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex? You hid the disk here?
:'''Fred''': Sure. I would think you of all people would realize why this place would be so important to me, don't you, Daph?
:'''Old Daphne''': Because we had our first date here, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': I can always count on you to remember stuff like that. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': It's got to be here somewhere. Keep searching.
:'''Shaggy''': What's the score?
:'''Evil Fred''': The score, Norbert, is that we're gonna find that disk tonight.
:'''Shaggy''': I meant the score to the baseball game. That you're listening to. On that thingymabob.
:'''Evil Fred''': Heh. I knew that.
:'''Velma''': It's not Norbert. It's Norville. And nobody calls him that. It's always Shaggy.
:'''Evil Fred''': I suggest less nitpicking and more searching. (''talks through headphone'') Wait. What? It's not here. Get back in the van.
:(''Scooby thinks Fred is crazy'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The kennel of the horrible hounds?
:'''Fred''': Shaggy used to board Scooby here when he and his folks went on vacations. I'm pretty sure I put the Planispheric Disk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, this is all very bizarre.
:'''Evil Fred''': You don't know the meaning of the word, child. (''grunts'') I just remembered where I actually hid the disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': Here we are. This time for sure.
:'''Old Daphne''': The education board of Crystal Cove? Why? That's so random.
:'''Fred''': I'm surprised at you, Daphne. Education is very important to me. Isn't it, Mr. Traples? (''plays with Mr. Traples'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': I don't know. Look in all the desks, I guess. I'll check out the superintendent's office. (''leaves the gang'')
:'''Velma''': Gang, something is definitely wrong here. (''writes the blackboard with chalk'') I mean, is it me or is Fred acting even stranger than usual?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': It's not you.
:'''Velma''': Maybe if we can retrace our steps, we'll see a pattern. (''writing'') F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex. Kennel of the horrible hounds. Education board of Crystal Cove. (''marks the first and second 4 letters from top to bottom'')
:'''Daphne''': &quot;Fake Fred&quot;?
:'''Velma''': I knew it.
:'''Scooby''': Then who is he?
:'''Shaggy''': And who sent the message?
:'''Velma''': My guess? The real Fred. Wherever he is, he's probably in life-threatening peril.
:'''Daphne''': And in the clutches of some hideous creature.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Where is it, Fred? Where is it?
:'''Fred''': Take it easy, Daph .At least we now know it's not here.
:'''Old Daphne''': You don't understand, Fred. We have to find that disk now. It's almost midnight. They'll be waking up soon.
:'''Fred''': What? Who?
:(''The skeletons rise themselves'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The skeletons. The skeletons walk after midnight. Run!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': Fred Jones, you remember every trap you ever built. Why can't you remember where you hid the most important relic in the universe?
:'''Fred''': Trap. That's it. Now I remember. (''starts the engine of wrecked Mystery Machine'') It's at the old abandoned factory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Aha! Now that's more like it.
:'''Shaggy''': Should I just keep driving around in circles, Mr. Fred? Oh, sir? (''drives the Mystery Machine in a circle'')
:'''Evil Fred''': No, the old abandoned factory, hippie. And floor it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': This isn't the way to the factory.
:'''Fred''': I'm willing to bet it's the way to the factory. The real factory.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''a bit disappointed'') Fred, we're headed straight for that wall. It's solid brick!
:'''Fred''': Is it, or is it...
:(''Fred accelerates faster the Mystery Machine into the wall'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Aah! Uhh!
:(''The Mystery Machine breaks through the fake wall'')
:'''Fred''': Fake. As fake as everything else in the old abandoned Crystal Cove movie studio. And as fake as you, Daphne.
:'''Old Daphne''': How...How did you know?
:'''Fred''': Two big ones. The real Daphne would never forget that our first date was at the Trap Expo 3000. But the biggest mistake was right at the start.
:'''Old Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': You said jeepies. Daphne says jeepers. Velma says jinkies. Nobody says jeepies. I mean, that's just plain silly. Once I knew you were fake, I figured Crystal Cove must be phony, too. It could only be the old movie studio made to look like a ruined town, complete with animatronics skeletons. Obviously this was all about the location of the Planispheric Disk. Convincing me that I needed to save my friends from a post-apocalyptic future was the most obvious way to get me to tell you where I hid it. It's exactly what I would have done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In Steelco Industries, the gang and Evil Fred arrived'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Fan out. Search every inch of this place until we find that disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, if you remember hiding it here, like, dude, where is it?
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, the exact location slipped my mind. (''leaves the gang to search the Planispheric Disk alone'')
:'''Velma''': We can't let that fake Fred get his hands on the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we do what the real Fred would do. We trap him.
:'''Velma''': Agreed. But it's got to be before he gets his hands on...
:'''Evil Fred''': The Planispheric Disk. I found it! I found it!
:'''Velma''': Okay, never mind.
:'''Daphne''': Now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it? Fake Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': Ahh, well done. You finally figured out I'm an imposter. So what? I'm taking the Planispheric Disk, and who's going to stop me? You? You?
:'''Fred''': NO! (''arrives'') Me. I mean you. Me. I mean me. You me. I-- Aw, heck. You get the idea. (''starts fighting Evil Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Don't just stand there, Shaggy. Get in there and help Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Which one?
:'''Daphne''': Uh, the good one.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Be careful, Fred. Don't hurt him.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look at Old Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': AAAAHH! NO! NO!
:'''Scooby''': (''to Old Daphne'') Daphne, you look terrible. You should get more sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') I'll never give up this disk. You'll never beat me.
:'''Fred''': (''throws the chain to Evil Fred's legs'') I don't need to beat you. I just need you to stay put.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Get me out of this. He's the fake.
:'''Shaggy''': They're, like, identical, right down to the ascot.
:'''Scooby''': Which one's the real Fred?
:'''Daphne''': (''to Evil Fred'') Freddie, how do you feel about me?
:'''Evil Fred''': What do you mean? You're my love, Daphne. I'm crazy about you.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') And you?
:'''Fred''': Uh, gosh. Gee, Daph, you know, I-- well, I guess aside from traps and solving mysteries, um... er, my stomach's getting hurty.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. It's you! (''kisses Fred'')
:(''Velma shuts down the magnetic machine, Evil Fred and Fred fall down to the floor'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, if you're so smart, then who am I really?
:'''Fred''': You're one of the most heartless criminals Mystery Inc. has ever faced. Aren't you, dad? (''tries to unmask Evil Fred but realizes it's not a mask'') 
:'''Evil Fred/Brad''': Ow! It's not a mask, you imbecile. I had plastic surgery to look like you. You would have spotted a mask too quickly.
:'''Fred''': I don't know what you think you were doing. You're supposed to be my father. But how could you try to impersonate me when you know absolutely nothing about me?
:'''Velma''': If he's Brad, that makes you Fred's sneaky criminal mom, Judy. (''tries to unmask Old Daphne but realizes it's not a mask either'')
:'''Old Daphne/Judy''': Ouch! Watch it. I had plastic surgery, too.
:'''Velma''': I know.
:'''Shaggy''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves? (''chuckles'') But, like, why?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Brad''': For the treasure. What else? It was the genius mind of Professor Pericles that thought up the whole plan. Wasn't it, Judy?
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad. While we went under the knife, Professor Pericles had Mr. E arrange for the Crystal Cove studio to be changed into an exact replica of the town.
:'''Brad''': Except more end of the world-ish, obviously.
:'''Velma''': I hate to be the one to point this out, but that's just crazy.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') Is it, Velma? Or is it so brilliant you cannot begin to fathom its true genius?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Fred''': You failed, Professor. You'll never get your filthy talons on this disk.
:'''Pericles''': On the contrary, Frederick. You are going to hand it over to me, along with my associates, your dear parents, or else I will destroy the one thing you care about most.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Daphne''': (''2 Kriegstaffebots grab her'') Freddie!
:'''Fred''': Fine. You win. Take it.
:'''Pericles''': Excellent. (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') ''Auf Wiedersehen'', you beautiful kinder.
:(''2 Kriegstaffebots throw Daphne into Fred and leave'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, I'm so sorry. Pericles got away with the disk because I got grabbed by robots.
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, Daph. The important thing is that you're back safe and sound. And you look good again.
:'''Scooby''': Only now, Pericles has the Planispheric Disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Pericles places the Planispheric Disk in a special location in Destroido'')
:'''Pericles''': I'm coming for you, master. I'm coming to set you free.

===Nightmare in Red===
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who this Monstrous Freak really is.
:(''The Monstrous Freak weakened by a light transforms into conquistador'')
:'''Fred''': It's...it's... Who is that?
:'''Velma''': If I'm not mistaken, it's El Aguirre, the captain of the Spanish conquistadors.
:'''Daphne''': El Aguirre? But why?
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': ''La pura verdad'', the truth is simple. I did not want you to discover how to destroy the Evil Entity buried deep beneath Crystal Cove, in its ''Caja Demonio''.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that doesn't make any sense. I thought you'd be the first person who'd want that thing destroyed.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': No! Do you not see? If you destroy the Entity, myself and my men will be set free from this ENDLESS CURSE. We should never be set free. We must pay for all the horrible atrocities we committed while in service to the Entity.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Oh.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': I can still hear their screaming. All the screams of the innocent ones. No. No! We must pay forever! We can never be set free!
:'''Shaggy''': Okay. Like, the old Spanish dude is a little ''loco'' in the ''cabeza''.
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Do not fret. All can be undone. All can be forgiven.
:'''Dancing Man''': Yes. Yes, all can be forgiven.
:'''Fred''': That reminds me. Uh, be right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': They're not gonna make it. I'll never be whole again. It's over. All over! (''sobbing'') Unless...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': It was centuries of your Earth time ago. They called themselves Ma Cuben Sun Macul, which means the Hunters of Secrets. They were the original group manipulated by the Evil Entity. There were more to follow. The evil one has forever been manipulating hapless souls throughout history in hopes they would set him free from his crystal sarcophagus. The Mystery Incorporated that preceded yours, the Darrow Family's Mystery Fellowship, the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, the Alianzo Mysterio and their pet skunk El Fuchy, and Fraternitas Mysterium. Always 4 humans and an animal. The Mayan group of friends, the Hunters of Secrets, were the very first. They were the most pure. They realized they were being manipulated and instead of setting the evil one free, they were about to destroy it with the '''Heart of the Jaguar'''. Alas, they were interrupted by El Aguirre and his men who came and took the crystal sarcophagus away thinking it to be a great treasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': You're the smart one, Velma. It's time to go. Give my other half the talisman. Complete the bridge and I can bring you all home. Velma, listen! Hear me! Time's up!
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Velma''': (''moving the talisman'') Jinkies! We're out of time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred and Daphne go to Sitting room'')
:'''Fred''': (''touches the shoulder of Fred Jones Sr.'') I want you to know that whatever happened, I'm not really mad at you. Despite the whole stealing me as an innocent baby and lying to me my entire life, you were a great dad. I forgive you. You've always been and still are the only real father I've ever know.
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Leaping late lilies, Fred. I am so proud of you. Even if you don't break the spell, even if you can't turn it all around by destroying that Evil Entity, I want you to know that having you as my son was the absolute best part of my life. You were always the best part of me.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Dancing Man arrive'')
:'''Velma''': Freddie, we have to go.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, time's up. If we don't leave now, we don't leave ever.
:(''Velma gives the talisman to Dancing Man'')
:'''Dancing Man''': Ha ha ha! I am going home. Ha ha ha!
:(''The gang takes each member's hands in circle'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Find the Heart of the Jaguar, Scooby-Doo. It is the only way you shall defeat the evil that is buried deep beneath Crystal Cove. Use the Heart of the Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world, the gang wakes up'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': (''receives the best part of Dancing Man'') I'm whole again. I'm whole! And I couldn't have done it without you meddling kids. You beautiful, brave, wonderful meddling kids! (''dances'')
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. After all we've been through, only to find out that we've been manipulated by some Evil Entity? Is that the only reason we're together?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Maybe we don't even like each other.
:'''Fred''': Gang, wh-- what are we gonna do?
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar. We have to find the Heart of the Jaguar.

===Dark Night of the Hunters===
:'''Shaggy''': It's time to see who this ancient jade mask wearing weirdo really is. (''unmasks Priestess'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Andelusossa?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Enrique!
:'''Velma''': He was staring us in the face all along. When the men in the village thought I was my mom, it was clear that no one was able to forget her over all these years. Then there were the vines. This plant isn't native to the Yucatan. Only someone with a background in gardening could have cultivated it and made it grow so quickly. Professor Andelusossa's first job was as a gardener. Finally, the vines on the boat had been tied to the wheel. The boat had been scuttled to make it look like the Professor had been attacked.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But why, Enrique?
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': For love. Angie, when you left me that summer decades ago, you took my heart with you. Every night seems like I dreamed of you. When you called asking about the Heart of the Jaguar, I knew it was my only chance to lure you back, and find out if you still cared for me.
:'''Fred''': So you decided to test her love by crushing her with fast-growing killer plants! Wow. That's exactly what I would have done.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. That's so romantic. In your usual, unique kind of way.
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': And I would have gotten away with it, too, if... (''sighs'') if you had really loved me.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, Enrique, sweetie, that was all years ago. There's only one man I ever truly loved, and that's my husband, Mr. Dinkley.
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': (''arrives'') Enrique, you are not a man! You're a fool! (''spits saliva to Fred's head'')
:'''Fred''': Daw! Ugh!
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': Mrs. Dinkley, you have won. You can have him!
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But I don't want him.
:'''Unknown woman''': (''arrives'') Then I'll take him!
:'''Angie, Mrs. Andelusossa and Prof. Andelusossa''': Huh?!
:'''Daphne''': Who are you?
:'''Unknown woman''': Tomina Kasanski. Call sign: Ice princess. I've been tracking you ever since you left Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, why?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''arrives'') Because I asked her to.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Huh?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Huh?
:'''Scooby''': Mayor Nettles?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Lieutenant Kasanski is an old friend of mine from Fighter Weapons School. (''she and Tomina Kasanski clapped their hands'')
:'''Velma''': But why are you following us?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but three days ago, I had a nightmare that told me you were in trouble and that I had to come to the Yucatan to help you get some spear thingie.
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Yeah, that! I'm supposed to help you get it back over the border and home to Crystal Cove.
:'''Velma''': Okay, that's it. I give up.
:'''Tomina Kasanski''': Grab your prisoner and let's haul. I got a c130 waiting in an air strip 30 clicks from here. (''takes Prof. Andelusossa into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, let's go home. We have an Evil Entity to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Dear, is something wrong?
:'''Velma''': Well, it's just that, everything that's been happening lately, I've always thought I could count on logic; deductive reasoning, facts. But all that's gone. I never believed in the supernatural like you did, and...
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, sweetie, you were never wrong. Believe in yourself. Everything will work out just fine. (''Velma hugs her'') Now, come on. I've been wearing the same girdle for five days in the jungle, and I really need to get a change of clothes.

===Gates of Gloom===
:(''The gang and Mayor Nettles drive the Mystery Machine in the city, with no people and the damaged freeway'')
:'''Daphne''': What happened to the street?
:'''Fred''': It looks like some kind of earthquake.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks. Where is everybody?
:(''Sheriff Stone runs to the Mystery Machine, scared, Fred stops driving'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': THEY'RE GONE! EVERYONE! GOOOOOONE!
:(''Everyone is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Focus, people. There are lives at stake. Something has taken my mom and the rest of Crystal Cove.
:'''Scooby''': It even took my Nova from the hospital.
:'''Daphne''': What kind of horrible monster would snatch a sweet little dog in a coma?
:'''Scooby''': I know. Nova! Nova! (''sobbing'')
:'''Shaggy''': Quick, Scoob. Drown your sorrows in this pint of triple fudge cookie dough caramel chip. (''gives the cookie to Scooby'')
:'''Scooby''': Thanks, Raggy. I needed that.
:'''Velma''': As I was saying, I suspect this mystery is connected to the Evil Entity buried under Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. You said you didn't buy into all this stuff.
:'''Velma''': Well, I ''still'' don't. But my mom helped me see the light and be more open. Maybe this is all science fiction, but a lot of science fiction turns out to be science fact. They laughed at Jules Verne when he wrote about submarines and going to the moon.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, they used submarines to go to the moon?
:'''Scooby''': I guess so.
:'''Velma''': One thing is clear, this isn't the boogeyman, a vampire, werewolves, or an evil leprechaun. This is an extra dimensional intelligent being we're facing. It's real.
:'''Shaggy''': Wow, Velm. Like, that must have been some talk with your mom.
:'''Velma''': It made me remember that the advanced sciences have long accepted the possibility of other dimension. Now I guess things have gotten a lot less theoretical.
:'''Daphne''': So you think having the evil intelligence under Crystal Cove could be why this town that is so weird?
:'''Velma''': Yes. And the weirdness is escalating (''turns on the projector'') because the time of Nibiru is upon us. I discovered that my computer model of the Planispheric Disk perfectly mirrors the planets in our solar system. You can see they're coming into direct alignment. Plus, there is a tenth planet: Planet &quot;X&quot;. It's getting closer, about to come into alignment behind Pluto. It will cause a massive gravitational disruption not seen in 5,000 years. The time of Nibiru happens in two days. And it's this disruption that makes the fabric between dimensions of time and space extremely weak. That's why the evil thing buried beneath Crystal Cove must be destroyed. We know that the Heart of the Jaguar is supposed to be able to destroy this Evil Entity and undo all of its evil.
:'''Fred''': We also know the Spanish conquistadors used the Planispheric Disk to map the Entity's double-triple secret location.
:'''Daphne''': Plus, the Planispheric Disk showed us the location of four keys.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old pistol, the helmet, the mortar bowl thingy, and a piece of old sail cloth.
:'''Daphne''': It feels like we know a lot and nothing at the same time.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, welcome to our world. (''chuckles'') Right, Scooby-Doo?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, we also know nothing. And we love it.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''dancing'') We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha! We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha!
:(''The ground starts to shake'')
:'''Fred''': Shaggy, Scooby, stop! Don't move!
:(''The ground opens the hole'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Good thing I had Jason Wyatt help me install this sound amplifying antenna in my binoculars. Let's listen in.
:'''Ricky''': ''There's been no sign of her for weeks.''
:(''The next scene depicts that Ricky is looking at the photo of Cassidy'')
:'''Judy''': Who are you looking for?
:'''Ricky''': Cassidy.
:'''Brad''': Maybe she finally gave up.
:'''Ricky''': No, she would never give up. She's gone.
:'''Pericles''': Of course she's gone. Anyone who crosses me gets ''eliminated.''
:'''Judy''': Um, Professor Pericles, you promised you would surgically alter me back to my stunning self by now. I'm so old like this. How long do you plan on making me suffer?
:'''Pericles''': I don't have time for such things. The treasure is almost within our grasp.
:'''Brad''': Besides, I'm the one who's suffering, not you, Judy.
:'''Judy''': How are you suffering, Brad?
:'''Brad''': Well, I'm the one who has to look at you all day, '''every day.'''
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That was very hurtful, Brad.
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry, Judy. I mean, ''grandma''.
:'''Judy''': Well, at least I'm not walking around with that outrageous chin, Bradley.
:'''Ricky''': Look at you, you're all coming unraveled. The closer we get to that treasure... (''The next scene depicts that the gang is hearing the conversation of the old gang with amplifying binoculars'') ''...the more the curse takes over. Cassidy was right. She was right all along.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old Mystery Incorporated dudes are totally losing it.
:(''The next scene depicts that Pericles lights the lamp, pointing the Planispheric Disk'')
:'''Pericles''': Zeek! Zeek! Die Zeit wird kommen! The time has almost arrived. (''The lamp light passes through the holes in the Planispheric Disk pointing the right place'') Focus all the digging on that spot. Und Ricky, when the entrance is found, have my Kriegstaffebots destroy all the workers. They have outlived their usefulness.
:'''Ricky''': You monster! I'm not your trained monkey. I won't do it. I won't be a part of this madness anymore. (''Pericles tortures Ricky with by pressing the button on Cobra larvae'') Aah! Aah! Aah! Yes, pro--master. Whatever you command. I will-- have... (''The next scene depicts the gang is hearing Ricky's words, shocked'') ''...the Kriegstaffebots destroy them all. Not one person from Crystal Cove will be left alive.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the Mystery Machine spare wheel'') Oh, my gosh, gang. What have I done?
:'''Daphne''': What you had to do. What you always do. Turn traps into a fighting chance to live.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': All my years of searching to find this door! I have done it! It will lead us to the treasure and more. Soon, very soon, the world as we know it will never be the same again. Niemals! (''puts the Planispheric Disk in the gate, making it open'')
:'''Brad''': Professor, won't the kids just follow us in?
:'''Pericles''': Yes, they will. Und I need them too. I need Scooby-Doo. If I'm to take control of the great power below, the dog must be destroyed at just the right moment. Come! My destiny awaits. (''speaks in German to Kriegstaffebots'')
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots enter the cave'')
:(''The gang keeps the artifacts including Heart of the Jaguar'')
:'''Fred''': All right, gang, now let's see where this uber mystery really leads. Ready?
:'''Daphne''': Ready.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, ready.
:'''Velma''': Ready.
:'''Scooby''': Professor Pericles is gonna regret the day he ever messed with ''Scooby-Dooby-Doo.''
:(''The gang enters the cave'')

===Through the Curtain===
:'''Evil Entity''': (''narrates'') Soon... soon I will be free! The time of the Nibiru is nearly at hand. The planets are coming into alignment, working toward my release, as are you. Even though you know it not, I forged you. You are my proudest creation. So come now, children of Nibiru. Be strong and set your master free so that I may bathe this world in ''fire''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': Judy, I have to say, this dark cave is doing wonders for your complexion.
:'''Judy''': Really? It's so nice of you to notice. Thank you, Brad.
:'''Brad''': You're welcome, Judy. In this light, I can barely see your multitude of wrinkles and your mouth full of decaying teeth.
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That's it, Bradley! (''starts fighting Brad'')
:'''Pericles''': Stop it! You two are behaving like children.
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Judy after kicking Brad'')
:'''Ricky''': The cursed treasure is tearing us apart. I wish Cassidy were here to see you all go to pieces.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, Ricky, you always lacked the stomach for greatness. (''to everyone'') Forward! (''speaks in German'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''watching the old gang and Kriegstaffebots through binoculars'') They're on the move.
:(''The gang is walking after the old gang'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo, old pal, this is it. (''grabs the burger sandwich from the backpack'')
:'''Scooby''': The last hamburger.
:'''Shaggy''': We've already eaten all of our snacks. I was saving this for an emergency.
:'''Scooby''': This ''is'' an emergency. That's the last hamburger. (''Shaggy eats the burger sandwich in half and he eats the other half'') Ahh. Looks like we're roughing it from here, Raggy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots came to the giant gate'')
:'''Pericles''': Beautiful (''speaks in German'')
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry to ask, Professor Pericles, but--
:'''Judy''': What are we waiting for?
:'''Pericles''': The kinder. I know they are out there following us. Give them a minute. They will soon understand their part in all this. But they must hurry. The planets are nearly in full alignment. The time of Nibiru is almost at hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are watching the giant gate through binoculars'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dig those crazy symbols on those Gigantico doors.
:'''Scooby''': (''terrified'') The dream world.
:'''Shaggy''': The what world?
:'''Velma''': The dream world. The keys. Everything we saw, it finally makes sense.
:'''Daphne''': Professor Karen did say that the dream world would show us what we needed to find.
:'''Fred''': And it showed each of us the keys.
:'''Velma''': And what they were for.
:'''Daphne''': The fourth key is the element of air.
:'''Scooby''': The third key is the element of Earth.
:'''Fred''': The second key is the element of water.
:'''Velma''': And the first key is the element of fire. Each one of the 4 keys opens a gate leading down. That first gate is covered with alchemy symbols for air.
:'''Daphne''': But if that's the first gate, why is it attached to the fourth key?
:'''Fred''': Because it's in reverse.
:'''Shaggy''': Of course it is. Like, why would any of this make sense?
:'''Velma''': It makes perfect sense, Shaggy. We're working outside in. (''shows the 4 keys from the backpack'') This is the fourth gate. The next one will be the third. And then the second. And then ultimately the first.
:'''Daphne''': And then... the Evil Entity.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are shuddering'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': (''watches the pocket clock'') All right, you Mystery Incorporated. I know you're out there and you have the key.
:(''The gang hides behind the rock'')
:'''Ricky''': Even if the Mystery Incorporated kids are out there, what makes you think you can make them do what you want?
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Because, my dear Ricky, everyone has their weakness. (''speaks German'')
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Marcie out of trunk as a hostage'')
:'''Velma''': Marcie! No!
:'''Pericles''': Good kinder. Now, come cooperate and I will not harm the Hot Dog Water.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the fourth key'') I'll do it. I'll go.
:'''Daphne''': No, we all go together. No splitting up. Never again.
:(''Fred smiles at Daphne'')
:(''The gang walks near the first gate'')
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad.
:'''Brad and Judy''': Son.
:'''Pericles''': Ahh, the fourth key. I know you had found them. Here, allow my Kriegstaffebots to open the gate. It is very dangerous.
:(''Kriegstaffebot tries to take the fourth key'')
:'''Fred''': I don't need your help, Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': As you wish, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': (''to the gang'') If this gate is what I think it is, and I think it's a big fat trap, it might work in our favor. Hold on to something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Marcie grabs Pericles hardly'')
:'''Pericles''': Ahh! What is the meaning of this? Put me down, you horrible girl.
:'''Marcie''': Not a chance, you nasty little monster. (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Move and the bird gets it.
:(''Marcie tightens Pericles in her arm'')
:'''Pericles''': (''to Kriegstaffebots'') (''speaks German'') Back off! No one move!
:'''Marcie''': You guys go. Do what you have to do. I've been trapped in that box long enough to hear everything Professor Creepy Bird has in mind. Find that Entity and destroy it. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Go. Now!
:'''Velma''': No, Marcie. I won't. I can't.
:'''Marcie''': You have to. The world needs you. Don't worry about me, V. I'll see you when this is over. (''The gang leaves Marcie, the old gang and Kriegstaffebots behind'') One more move and I pluck this ugly little chicken. (''takes Pericles's feathers'')
:'''Pericles''': Ow! (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Nein! Nein! Stop!
:'''Marcie''': Heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcie''': (''walks back with Pericles in her arm'') (''last words'') E, I guess I expected more from you.
:'''Ricky''': So did I, little girl. So did I.
:'''Brad''': (''gives Judy his belt'') It's all in your hands now, Judy.
:(''Judy uses Brad's belt as a whip to trip Marcie up, freeing Pericles'')
:'''Marcie''': Ow. (''groans'')
:'''Brad''': Silly child. We were springing impromptu traps before you were born.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy.
:(''Kriegstaffebots prepare to shoot Marcie with her last shocked look'')
:(''In the Air Dimension the Kriegstaffebots' guns sounded'')
:'''Scooby''': (''hears the sound of guns'') (''whimpers'')
:'''Velma''': (''sadly'') Come on, Scooby. We have to keep going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': You make me sick, Pericles. I wish I had never saved you all those years ago.
:'''Pericles''': Hmm. Do I care? No.
:'''Ricky''': Maybe you should care.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows the remote control'') Perhaps you should care more about the poisonous cobra that I've implanted in your spine. ''Now'', let's move.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the second gate'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the second gate.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the balance rock'') Hmm... Somebody hand me the mortar bowl.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Fred is really in his element here, huh?
:'''Daphne''': Pun intended.
:(''Shaggy gives Scooby the mortar bowl, then Scooby gives it to Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the third gate amid a wall of water'')
:'''Daphne''': The third gate.
:'''Velma''': And the second key. Water.
:'''Fred''': (''grabs the conquistador's helmet'') Looks like there's only one place to fill it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where are we?
:'''Daphne''': And for that matter, where the heck have we been for the last two keys?
:'''Velma''': We're traveling through different dimensions. An intriguing feature of string theory and advanced physics is that it predicts extra dimensions. In classical string theory, the number of dimensions is not fixed by any consistency criterion.
:'''Shaggy''': What is she talking about?
:'''Scooby''': You're asking me?
:'''Velma''': The Planispheric Disk not only maps 3-dimensional space, but the fourth dimension of time and beyond. Worlds between worlds.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, that's all well and good...
:'''Scooby''': Even if we don't understand a word of it.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how are we gonna find the last gate?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. All I see is water. Endless water!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. Shaggy and Scooby are right.
:'''Daphne''': We're trapped in the middle of nowhere WITH NO WAY OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Looks like the kinder are having fun, and they're ''all'' still alive.
:'''Judy''': That's our Fred.
:'''Brad''': A chip off the old block.
:'''Judy''': Blockhead, more like.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy. (''annoyed'') Hey!
:'''Ricky''': You're insane. ALL of you. None of us are going to make it out of this alive. NONE OF US! (''laughs'') And I'm glad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I can't take it! I can't take it!
:'''Scooby''': It's okay, Raggy.
:'''Shaggy''': No, Scoob, it is not okay! We're totally lost at sea. No, wait. Correction! Lost on an interdimensional sea, alone and adrift between universes. Dudes, life is completely turned upside down.
:'''Velma''': Upside down. Shaggy Rogers, you're a genius.
:'''Shaggy''': Like...like, huh?
:'''Velma''': It's not up, it's down. The gate is down.
:'''Fred''': Oh. (''puts his head in the water and realizes that the next gate is below, then emerges'') Hey, look.
:(''Daphne, Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne put their heads in the water then emerge'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers. You think the fourth gate is down there?
:'''Fred''': Only one way to find out. Come on, gang. (''jumps into the water'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the fourth gate'')
:'''Daphne''': The last gate.
:'''Fred''': This is it. We made it, gang.
:'''Velma''': I don't like what's waiting for us beyond that door.
:'''Scooby''': Evil.
:'''Shaggy''': Pure evil. That we must destroy with the Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': Let's get this done.
:'''Velma''': Wait. If things prove to be bigger than us, I just want to tell you guys--
:'''Daphne''': No. Nothing is bigger than us. It's the 5 of us. We can do this ''together''.
:(''The gang join hands'')
:'''Shaggy''': Here, let me do the honors.
:(''Fred gives Shaggy the old flintlock pistol'')
:(''Shaggy nervously shoots the flintlock at the gate, the bullet ricochets around the place'')
:'''Fred''': I don't get it. The key didn't work.
:'''Daphne''': That's because the flintlock itself isn't the key. (''puts the flintlock near the gate, the flint shines'') Look, it's the flint.
:'''Fred''': Daphne, you figured it out, you do the honors.
:(''Daphne slots the flint into an opening on the lock and the fourth gate opens'')
:'''Shaggy''': Whoa. This place is like mega creepy and scary. Is it too late to turn back?
:'''Scooby''': Yes. Way too late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang finally walks to the cursed treasure discovered'')
:'''Scooby''': (''grabs the Heart of the Jaguar'') Hmm? What do I do now?
:'''Evil Entity''': (''locked in a crystal sarcophagus'') Open the sarcophagus.
:'''Shaggy''': It--it spoke.
:'''Evil Entity''': Turn the lock. Set me free.
:'''Fred''': We aren't here to free you.
:'''Velma''': We're here to destroy you.
:'''Evil Entity''': Destroy me? Never. You have no choice. This is your destiny. Everything you have done, you have done for me. I brought you together as I brought all those together before you. I made you into friends. Forced you into a group. I am the author of your every hope and dream. All to this purpose: ''you set me free.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, is this--this evil telling the truth? Like our whole life, our friendship has been a lie?
:'''Fred''': Maybe everything we think we know, none of it is real.
:'''Daphne''': No. I--I refuse to believe it. (''takes Fred's hand'') My love for Fred is real. I know it. And I love you all. You're my best friends.
:'''Velma''': Daphne's right. Every word this thing spits out is a lie. (''to Scooby'') Destroy it.
:'''Scooby''': This ends now. We'll never set you free.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') That's too bad... (''The old gang arrives with Kriegstaffebots'') ...because I will.
:(''Scooby prepares to destroy the sarcophagus with the Heart of the Jaguar, but Pericles snatches it with his paws'')
:(''Kriegstaffebots hold the gang and Pericles opens the sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': The time of Nibiru has come. (''comes out of the sarcophagus and laughs'')

===Come Undone===
:'''Nova''': (''narrates'') A beginning is a very delicate time, much more so an ending. Know that this is the year 10,191. We, the Annunaki, travel between layers of the many universes. We came to help you grow, evolve. But not all of us are good. Some are evil wanting to feed on your energies. This most evil of all is imprisoned in a crystal sarcophagus between worlds so he can cause no harm. This evil desires to devour worlds. He manipulated groups of humans to set him free: The Mayan Hunters of Secrets and their jaguar, Spot, The Fraternitas Mysterium and their donkey, Gordo, The Alianzo Mysterio and their skunk, El Fuchy, The Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, The Benevolent Lodge of Mystery and their orangutan, Mr. Peaches, They Mystery Fellowship and their cat, Whiskers, Mystery Incorporated and their parrot, Professor Pericles, and the current Mystery Incorporated and their special companion, Scooby-Doo. The time of Nibiru has come. The moment the planets align, the evil one's strength will be the greatest Free in your world, he will grow more powerful every second. He will destroy your city, your planet, your universe. Only one stands in his way: Scoobert Scooby-Doo. (''Evil Entity laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') Free! Free! I have been trapped too long. (''laughs'') (''grabs Scooby-Doo'')
:'''Fred''': Hey! What are you doing to Scoob? Hey!
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, help! (''Fred and Shaggy tried to save Scooby but the Evil Entity hit them away from him'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Do not fight. The dog must die and be reborn as a vessel to my darkness. You should give me form. I shall walk this world a giant.
:'''Scooby''': Never! (''breaks free'')
:'''Pericles''': Nein! Nein! Forget the dog! Consume me. Give me the power!
:'''Evil Entity''': So be it.
:(''The Evil Entity seizes Pericles and pours its essence into his body, causing him to grow into a dark green giant'')
:'''Pericles''': (''laughs'') After all these years '''I am unstoppable!''' (''laughs again'')
:'''Shaggy''': Dude! Somehow that parrot just keeps on getting creepier!
:'''Pericles''': (''last words'') Und I shall finally be rid of the Mystery Incorporated kinder! (''The Evil Entity proceeds to subdue his consciousness'') Aah! Something's wrong! What--WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! '''AAAAAAHHHH!!'''
:(''The Evil Entity kills Pericles, mutating the parrot's body into a massive squid-like monster with horns and laughs'')
:'''Ricky''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Evil Entity''': The bird is gone. I am flesh now! '''Flesh!'''
:'''Judy''': (''last words'') Oh, mighty one!
:'''Brad''': (''last words'') We are ready to serve.
:'''Evil Entity''': Good, for I hunger. (''consumes Brad and Judy alive to increase its own strength, the gang is totally shocked'') I am your master now. (''The Kriegstaffebots answers in German language'') Bring the humans closer so that I may feast upon them and grow powerful enough to break my bonds. (''The Kriegstaffebots aim at the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': I think now would be a very good time to--
:'''Fred''': Run!
:(''The gang and Ricky flee but Shaggy stops'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo! Where are you?! (''starts running'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'')
:(''Scooby-Doo attempts to destroy the Evil Entity with the Heart of the Jaguar, it breaks'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs again, almost grabbed Scooby-Doo while he's running away from him'') You cannot escape! You are powerless against me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': You underestimate my strength. I should consume you and grow in power!
:(''The gang looks at each other, the Kriegstaffebot aims at them, Ricky decapitates it with a sword'')
:'''Daphne''': Way to go, Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': Run, kids! Get out of here now!
:(''The Evil Entity grabs Ricky'')
:'''Velma''': Hang on, E! We'll save you!
:'''Ricky''': (''last words'') It's too late for me, Velma.
:'''Velma''': No!
:'''Ricky''': Save yourself!
:(''The Evil Entity consumes Ricky alive'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Now it is your turn! (''tries to grab the gang but its tentacles are blocked by a shield of blue energy that appears around them'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what was up with that?
:'''Evil Entity''': I need more. I shall feast upon all of Crystal Cove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') This world shall be mine. Then I shall devour galaxies. (''laughs again'') (''opens the Crystal Sarcophagus and releases an army of evil Annunaki minions'') Come to me, my minions. Come to me through this portal. Gather all from this place so that I may feed and grow strong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We have to do something!
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, but like, what?
:'''Velma''': What about the spear, the Heart of the Jaguar?
:'''Scooby''': It's broken. It's just a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': I bring oblivion to this world! (''laughs'')
:'''Scooby''': It's the end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby-Doo receives a vision from Nova's Annunaki'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. What do I do? The Heart of the Jaguar is broken.
:'''Nova''': The spear was never the Heart of the Jaguar. The Heart of the Jaguar is something else, Scooby-Doo. At the right moment when the heart is clear, you will know what to do.
:'''Scooby''': Seriously, just tell me what to do?
:'''Nova''': You will know. You will see. You will feel. (''disappears'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Evil Annunaki minions bring the gang to the Evil Entity'')
:'''Evil Entity''': My power approaches the infinite. Then I will absorb you and your friends. I will be '''UNSTOPPABLE!''' (''tries to consume them once again, only to be thwarted by the same barrier'')
:(''Scooby recalls Nova's words'')
:'''Nova''': ''You will know. You will see. You will feel.''
:'''Scooby''': Wait, that's it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': The Heart is ''us''. It's always been us.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies! Scooby's right. It can't devour us now and it couldn't touch us earlier, remember?
:'''Daphne''': Not when we stood together. 
:'''Fred''': The 5 of us.
:'''Velma''': Our friendship.
:'''Daphne''': Our love for one another.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that's the ''true'' Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': And that is something that monster can never take away. Something it can never defeat. It's now or never. '''Let's do this.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wait. Think it through. The Entity is still drawing power from the crystal sarcophagus.
:'''Daphne''': It's some kind of portal between dimensions.
:'''Fred''': That means if we shatter it, then we cut that thing's lifeline.
:'''Evil Entity''': (''still consuming people'') They must be stopped! Bring me them!
:'''Fred''': Gang, as a team. '''Go!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang takes the remains of the Heart of the Jaguar spear and races towards the sarcophagus while Annunaki minions try to stop them'')
:'''Fred''': Daph! (''gives the stick to Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': Velma! Catch! (''gives the stick to Velma'')
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! (''gives the stick to Shaggy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Finish him, Scooby-Doo!
:(''Shaggy throws the stick in the air, Scooby-Doo launches it with a final kick into the crystal sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''gasps'') (''The crystal sarcophagus is broken, opens up a vortex'') (''last words'') '''NOOOOOO!!!''' (''The vortex begins to suck everything into it, except for the gang'') No! It cannot be! '''IT SHALL NOT BE!''' WHY! WHY! '''WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!'''
:(''The vortex causes a galaxy implosion and a bright light'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang watches the town normal and untouched'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa! Dudes!
:'''Velma''': The town looks untouched. We--we did it! (''The gang cheers'') We saved Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': We destroyed the monster!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''arrives with Mayor Nettles and four children'') Hey, you kids. Nice to see you out and about on such a lovely day.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff Stone?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where did that pint-sized posse come from?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Mayor wife and I are taking the kids down to the beach.
:'''Daphne''': Mayor wife? Kids?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You seem awfully forgetful, Daphne. I hope you remember you promised to baby-sit tomorrow night.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Now, Eastwood, Norris and little Billy Jack need to be asleep by 8:00. Linda Carter here can stay up as long as she likes on account of her being more adorable than her brothers.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Oh, we better run. See you tomorrow. (''leaves with Sheriff Stone and four children'')
:'''Velma''': OK, that was odd.
:'''Fred''': Gang, look at the sign.
:(''The sign says &quot;Crystal Cove - The Sunniest Place on Earth&quot;'')
:'''Daphne''': Didn't it always used to say &quot;The Most Hauntedest Place on Earth&quot;?
:'''Shaggy''': And like, check out that sign.
:'''Fred''': (''reads the Darrow Mansion's sign'') &quot;Visit historic Darrow Mansion&quot;?
:'''Velma''': Darrow Mansion sank underground.
:'''Daphne''': And Danny Darrow was some kind of horrible old troll, remember? I mean, wasn't he?
:'''Scooby''': (''scared'') Duh! What's going on?! (''jumps into Shaggy's arms'')
:'''Velma''': Scooby, I think that's exactly what we need to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad, be honest. Are you sure you two have never touched a trap in your entire lives?
:'''Brad''': Traps? Fred, you know we're both...
:'''Judy''': Obstetricians. We bring babies into the world.
:'''Brad''': Happy babies, Judy.
:'''Judy''': Thank you, Brad, happy babies.
:'''Daphne''': But that still doesn't explain why you're here, mom and dad.
:'''Barty''': Oh, it's simple, dear.
:'''Nan''': We're planning your wedding.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Our wedding?
:'''Nan''': Why, princess, you're almost 18. High time you tied the knot.
:'''Barty''': I only wish we could find more perfect specimens of manhood like Fred for your underachieving sisters.
:'''Daphne''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paula''': Don't be silly, Norville, we're so proud. Our son, President of the Chefs Club, winner of the ultimate teen chef award and you've won the national junior epicurean of the year award 3 times in a row.
:'''Shaggy''': But, I--I'm like a slacker.
:'''Colton''': I don't buy that story for a second.
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, look.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby watch the TV about Creationex Corp.'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Here at Creationex, we've been blessed with inventing clean, sustainable fusion-based energy.''
:'''Cassidy''': ''Now, my beautiful husband and I want to pass that blessing on to you by radically reducing our prices.'' (''Ricky and Cassidy kiss'')
:'''Pericles''': ''Creationex makes life better for everyone!''
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Oh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Please, Marcie, please. Tell me what's going on?
:'''Marcie''': V, this is no time for fooling around. We're preparing for this year's Tri-state Olympiad of Science, which we have always won.
:'''Velma''': Schrodinger's cat!
:'''Marcie''': Huh? Our event is about mineral erosion. What's the many worlds interpretation of quantum physics have to do with it?
:'''Velma''': Everything! I gotta tell the gang. (''leaves'')
:'''Marcie''': That's my girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan''': Fred! Bro! You are the coolest.
:'''Gary''': Cooler than cool, the king of cool, the lord king of goal keepers.
:'''Ethan''': Those crazy talented hands of yours blocked every shot last night. Thanks for winning us the championship. You rock!
:'''Gary''': Yeah! And thanks for letting us borrow your van. You double rock! (''he and Ethan leave'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the white van'') This--this is my van?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Galloping goalies, Fred, of course it's your van. Now, will you kindly get it off my field?
:'''Fred''': Mayor dad?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': You've called me a lot of things over the years, Mr. Jones, coach Jones, principal Jones, but definitely not mayor and never dad. I gotta say I like it. You know, since I never had kids of my own, I've always thought of the students here at my high school as all my kids, but you, Fred, you were always special. I've always been extra proud of you. By the way, my colleague at Miskatonic University sent this for you and your friends. (''gives the disc to Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': With no actuality of wave function collapse, alternative histories and futures are real. I know why everything's different. We destroyed the Entity and by destroying it, it was as if it never existed. So, everything it touched: All the evil, all of the curse, all of the losers in rubber masks and the dumb monster attractions, none of it ever happened. By destroying the Evil Entity, we created an entirely different timeline.
:'''Daphne''': Our neighbors, our families, they've never been negatively influenced by the Evil Entity.
:'''Shaggy''': It's come undone, all of it. Our actions created a better world where we all have normal and productive lives.
:'''Daphne''': Lives that really aren't ours.
:'''Fred''': Worse than that, gang, we've created a world without mysteries.
:'''Velma''': What kind of a world doesn't have mysteries?
:'''Fred''': A world where we don't belong.
:(''The gang feels sorry'')
:'''Daphne''': What do we do now?
:'''Fred''': Well, I just got this disc from Miskatonic University. Might as well see what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Velma puts the disc into the laptop'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': ''Harlan Ellison here. You can call me Mr. E. I know who you kids are and I know that you created an alternate timeline by destroying that Evil Entity. How do I know this? How you ask in your purblind ignorance? It's obvious as antlers on a Chihuahua. I'm a genius! All my years of writing speculative fiction has hyper tuned my psychic mnemonic connection with alternate dimensions. That's why I am able to remember every timeline ever created. And believe me, this has happened before, but you kids have slipped the time stream with me. Very rare. You're very strange. That's why I sent you this message. I've taken up residence as professor of sub-nuclear sciences at Miskatonic University. (''shows the university from the window'') I want you in my class next semester. I've already got you all admitted, even that weird dog. There's a lot of meddling to do and a lot of mysteries out there that need solving. Don't miss it.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The gang is surprised'')
:'''Fred''': Hold the phone!
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies!
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Velma''': Miskatonic University? Amazing!
:'''Daphne''': But it's all the way on the other side of the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': How are we going to get there?
:'''Fred''': We'll drive, starting right now. And we'll stop and solve every mystery we find along the way.
:'''Scooby''': Ooh! A mystery solving road trip! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, can we also stop and eat at every burger place and pizza joint we find along the way, too?
:'''Fred''': Absolutely. But first, we need to do something about this van.
:(''The gang starts painting the van'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Last lines'')
:'''Nova''': (''still possessed by the Anunnaki'') Thank you, Scooby-Doo. You are the bravest dog that ever lived.
:'''Scooby''': '''Scooby-Dooby-Doo!'''
:(''The gang drives off into the sunset'')

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

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  <page>
    <title>New York City</title>
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      <text bytes="56550" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag of New York City.svg|thumb|New York, I love you. But, you're bringing me down. Like a rat in a cage, pulling minimum wage. ~ [[w:LCD Soundsystem|LCD Soundsystem]]]]
[[File:Seal of New York City.svg|thumb|If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere! It's up to you, New York! New York! ~ Frank Sinatra]]
'''[[w:New York City|New York City]]''', officially known as '''New York''', is the largest city of the [[United States]] by population, with 8.6 million residents in 2016. It was settled in 1613 by Dutch and originally called '''New Amsterdam'''. New York  is popularly known as the &quot;Big Apple&quot;, &quot;Gotham City&quot;, &quot;Empire City&quot;, &quot;Fun City&quot;, &quot;The Naked City&quot;, and the &quot;City That Never Sleeps&quot;. [[w:New York County|Manhattan Island]] is often referred to as &quot;The City&quot; by New Yorkers, despite being only one part of the city itself. New York City is often referred to as &quot;the Capital of the World&quot;, due to its size, wealth, and for its hosting of the [[United Nations]] organization headquarters.
__NOTOC__

{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Songs|Songs]]'' . ''[[#Dialogue|Dialogue]]'' }}

== Quotes ==
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;

==A==
* The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
** [[Douglas Adams]], &quot;Mostly Harmless&quot;.

==B==
* New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.
** [[Russell Baker]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* A certified geezer is also freer to express displeasure. Once I was walking in midtown Manhattan at rush hour, and I came to a massive traffic jam, horns honking everywhere, and right in the middle of a major intersection, the center of the whole mess, was a taxi driver honking at a very elderly man who was standing directly in front of the cab, blocking its path, and hitting it with his umbrella. WHAP the umbrella would go, on the hood. Then, very slowly, the elderly man would raise it into the air, over his head, where it would waver for a second and then... WHAP it would come down on the hood again. I stopped to watch, along with a large crowd of New Yorkers, who have an inbred genetic hatred of taxi drivers and who cheered louder with every WHAP. Nobody made any effort to move the elderly man out of the way. He was doing exactly what we'd all wanted to do a million times, but we couldn't because we'd get run over or arrested. I finally had to leave, but I like to think that the reason New York traffic is always so screwed up is that the elderly man is still in that intersection, whapping away. So for my money, geezerhood is definitely the way to go. In fact, you might want to start practicing right now.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 176-177

* I'll give you another example of what I'm talking about. We've traveled extensively in the United States, and our son often travels with us, and when he does we always try to arrange to have one of those folding beds for him in our hotel room. Beth always calls the hotel in advance and asks them to please write down that we want a folding bed. She calls later to confirm that there will be a folding bed. When we check in, we always remind them that we need a folding bed. So needless to say, there has never- not ''once'', in ten years, in dozens and dozens of hotels- been an actual folding bed in our room when we got there. We ''always'' have to call Housekeeping tto ask for it, and nothing happens, so we call again, and maybe again, and of course Housekeeping is not happy about this- ''These damned guests! Always calling Housekeeping and requesting Housekeeping services!&quot;''- and then finally, often late at night, our folding bed will be brought to us by a person who is obviously annoyed about having to deliver beds in the middle of the night to people who should have thought of this earlier. Naturally, I always give this person a tip. In Japan, the bed was always there, at every hotel, when we checked in. This may seem minor to you, but to us it was a miracle, comparable in scope to having a total stranger hold a door open for you in New York City.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Does Japan'' (1992), p. 48-49

* Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way. These are snakes that started out as pets of Miami residents, until one day these residents stopped smoking crack and said, &quot;Jesus H. Christ! We're living with a giant snake!&quot;
** [[Dave Barry]], ''I'll Mature When I'm Dead'' (2010), p. 84-85

* Everybody ought to have a lower East Side in their life.
** [[Irving Berlin]], ''Vogue'' (Nov. 1, 1962)

* You know what’s great about New York? The threshold for citizenship as a New Yorker is actually pretty short. If you come to New York and you still like it two years after you arrived here, and you still think it’s great and you’re having a good time and you haven’t been just totally ground down and go limping back to wherever the fuck you came from, you know what? You’re in!
** [[Anthony Bourdain]] The Layover - New York City

* I can't see heaven but I credit hell — &lt;br /&gt; I live in New York so I know it well.
** [[John Brunner]], ''Stand on Zanzibar'' (1968), the happening world (6): &quot;Street Seen&quot;

==C==
[[File:Manhattan skyline.jpg|thumb|Manhattan. Sometimes from beyond the skyscrapers, across thousands of high walls, the fearful cry of a too-well-known voice finds you in your insomnia in the middle of the night, and you remember that this desert of iron and cement is an island of un-reality. ~ [[Albert Camus]]]]
[[File:Clock in BandW at Grand Central.JPG|thumb|New York is the only real city-city. ~ [[Truman Capote]]]]
[[File:Sunrise in Midtown, New York City - January 16, 2013.jpg|thumb|These streets will make you feel brand new. Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York. New York, New York. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
* Manhattan. Sometimes from beyond the [[Skyscraper|skyscrapers]], across thousands of high walls, the fearful cry of a too-well-known voice finds you in your insomnia in the middle of the night, and you remember that this desert of iron and cement is an island of un-reality.
** [[Albert Camus]], ''American Journals'' (1978).

* New York is the only real city-city.
** [[Truman Capote]], Quoted by James A. Clapp in [http://books.google.com/books?id=xgypAgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA69&amp;dq=%22New+York+is+the+only+real+city-city%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=DfLoU5u_HtPcoATv24CQBg&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22New%20York%20is%20the%20only%20real%20city-city%22&amp;f=false ''The City: A Dictionary of Quotable Thoughts on Cities and Urban Life'']

* Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
** [[George Carlin]], ''Brain Droppings''

* [[Donald Trump]] has been uncommonly nice to [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and me. We're all [[w:New York|New York]]ers. And I like him. And I love playing golf with him.
** [[Bill Clinton]], June 4, 2012.[http://www.salon.com/2012/06/04/bill_clinton_said_what/singleton/]

* We are all New Yorkers, just as surely as John F. Kennedy declared himself to be a Berliner in 1962 when he visited Berlin.
** [[w:Jean-Marie Colombani|Jean-Marie Colombani]], ''Le Monde'' (liberal), Paris, France, Sept. 12, 2001.

* I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more Virginia, New York, Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America.
** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

==D==
* New York was no mere city. It was instead an infinitely romantic notion, the mysterious nexus of all love and money and power, the shining and the perishable dream itself. To think of 'living' there was to reduce the miraculous to the mundane; one does not 'live' at Xanadu.
** [[Joan Didion]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20100822095804/http://www.nydailyquote.com/2010/08/xanadu.html &quot;Xanadu&quot;] (8 August 2010), ''NY Daily Quote''.

* This is New York. We'll find a place to dance.
** [[w:John M. Ford|John M. Ford]], ''110 Stories'' [http://www.110stories.us/ 110 Stories], 2001

* Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it? I can't say, people just liked it better that way.
** [[w:The Four Lads|The Four Lads]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcze7EGorOk &quot;Istanbul (not Constantinople)&quot;] (1953), [[w:Columbia Records|Columbia Records]]

==H==
[[File:One World Trade Center Aug 15, 2013.jpg|thumb|New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. ~ Harry Hershfield]]
* Where I come from, the rules were relatively simple... Don't look for trouble, because in New York you can always find it. But don't back off either.
** [[w:Pete Hamill|Pete Hamill]], ''Downtown: My Manhattan'' 

* New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts.
** [[w:Harry Hershfield|Harry Hershfield]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York. &quot;What're y'all doin'? Talkin' to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm readin' a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East! Yeah, we're evolving. Is that &quot;The Big One&quot; I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum, bye!
** [[Bill Hicks]], &quot;Goodbye, Lizard Scum&quot; ''Arizona Bay''.

* The selling and enslaving of the human species is a direct violation of the natural rights alike vested in them by their creator, and utterly inconsistent with the avowed principles on which this, and the other states have carried on their struggle for liberty.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=Pel2AAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA30&amp;dq=%22utterly+inconsistent+with+the+avowed%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCQQ6AEwAWoVChMIg_zf_uLRxwIVAx0-Ch3Bxwr2 ''House of Representatives of the State of New York''] (1776).

==J==
[[File:Manhattan from above Hudson River.jpg|thumb|Welcome to the jungle. New York, New York. ~ [[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]] ]]
[[File:NYSE127.jpg|thumb|Panic in Wall Street, brokers feeling melancholy. ~ [[Scott Joplin]]]]
* Take New York, the dynamic metropolis. What makes New York so special? It's the invitation of the [[Statue of Liberty]], &quot;Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses who yearn to breathe free.&quot; Not restricted to English only.  Many people, many cultures, many languages - with one thing in common, they yearn to breathe free. Common ground!
**[[Jesse Jackson]], [https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/jesse/speeches/jesse88speech.html 1988 Democratic National Convention keynote address], (19 July 1988) 
*New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire.
** [[Henry James]], ''Selected Letters of Henry James'', Edited by Leon Edel

* New York City is the most fatally fascinating thing in America. She sits like a great witch at the gate of the country, showing her alluring white face, and hiding her crooked hands and feet under the folds of her wide garments,--constantly enticing thousands from far within, and tempting those who come from across the seas to go no farther. And all these become the victims of her caprice. Some she at once crushes beneath her cruel feet; others she condemns to a fate like that of galley slaves; a few she favors and fondles, riding them high on the bubbles of fortune; then with a sudden breath she blows the bubbles out and laughs mockingly as she watches them fall.
** [[James Weldon Johnson]], ''The Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man''.

* [[Panic]] in [[Wall Street]], brokers feeling melancholy.
** [[Scott Joplin]], &quot;Wall Street Rag&quot; (1909).

* The only reason I wouldn't go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.
** [[Boris Johnson]], [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/boris-johnson/12039931/Boris-Johnson-The-only-reason-I-wouldnt-visit-some-parts-of-New-York-is-the-real-risk-of-meeting-Donald-Trump.html] (8 December 2015)

==K==
* I had a chance to visit America in August 2014. To be honest, I didn't love New York City because it was too crowded, hectic, and flamboyant. But I absolutely loved other parts of America I visited. They felt like paradise to me. If I could speak English and if U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services would allow me to immigrate to America, I would live in the U.S. rather than South Korea. I don't know if it will ever happen.
** Yoo-sung Kim, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160414074548/https://www.nknews.org/2016/04/how-south-koreans-treat-north-koreans/ &quot;How South Koreans treat North Koreans&quot;] (13 August 2016), ''NK News''

* Scientific progress over the past years has been amazing. Man through his scientific genius has been able to dwarf distance and place time in chains, so that today it's possible to eat breakfast in New York City and supper in London.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20090129133622/http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

*Back in about 1753 it took a letter three days to go from New York City to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], and today you can go from here to [[China]] in less time than that... Man's scientific genius has been amazing.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20090129133622/http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

* “They want to see our skyscrapers destroyed because they are envious of them,” Mr. Koch said in a phone interview. Asked whom he was referring to, he said, “‘They’ is the rest of the country.”
** [[w:Ed Koch|Edward Koch]], [https://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/26/the-irresistible-urge-to-destroy-new-york-on-screen/ “The Irresistible Urge to Destroy New York on Screen”] by Sewell Chan, ''New York Times'', (December 26, 2007).

==L==
* Leave us alone, or else expect us in New York and Washington.	
** [[Osama bin Laden]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130826184301/http://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver &quot;Letter to the American people&quot;] (2002)

* When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
** [[Fran Lebowitz]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* A hundred times I have thought: New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: it is a beautiful catastrophe.
** [[Le Corbusier]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=TzwVAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=&amp;quot;A+hundred+times+I+have+thought+New+York+is+a+catastrophe+and+fifty+times+it+is+a+beautiful+catastrophe&amp;quot;#search_anchor When the Cathedrals Were White]'' (1947)

* New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
** [[David Letterman]], ''Late Show with David Letterman'' Feb. 9, 1984.

* Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
** [[David Letterman]], ''Late Show with David Letterman''.

==M==
* You're not from [[w:New York City|New York]], are you? You can't be from New York. Well, when I broke in, I didn't know many people by name so I would just say, &quot;Say, hey,&quot; and the writers picked that up. The writers here in New York can make anything happen, so they made that happen.
** [[Willie Mays]], as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=UVUcAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=p1EEAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=6465%2C2456085&amp;dq=who%27s-best-ever-aside-yourself-next-roberto &quot;Sports of the Times: The Most Natural Ballplayer&quot;] by Dave Anderson, in ''The New York Times'' (January 24, 1979)

* New York: A third-rate [[Babylon]].
** [[H. L. Mencken]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* In New York you can be a new man.
** [[Lin-Manuel Miranda]], ''[[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton]]''.

==N==
[[File:Liberty-shall-not-perish-Pennell.jpeg|thumb|Futurist thinkers have rarely been kind to New York City. In fact, writers and artists have spent the better part of two centuries destroying the Big Apple. Whether by flood or fire, nuclear explosion or alien invasion, New York more than any other city bears the brunt of our most apocalyptic futures. ~ Matt Novak]]
* People come to New York to live in small apartments, after living in large homes elsewhere. They think they will never get used to it. How will they live without their stuff (now in storage, or disposed of)? Very soon, they realize they have more than enough stuff in the apartment.
** [[w:Jay Nordlinger|Jay Nordlinger]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/05/bad-blood-russia-united-states-and-more-jay-nordlingers-impromptus-may-8/ &quot;Bad Blood&quot;] (8 May 2018), ''National Review Online''

* New York arguably boasts the most diverse population of any major city in the world because of the flow of immigrants from across the globe.
**[http://cn.nytimes.com/usa/20131219/c19immigration/print/en-us/ ''The Newest New Yorkers'']

* Futurist thinkers have rarely been kind to New York City. In fact, writers and artists have spent the better part of two centuries destroying the Big Apple. Whether by flood or fire, [[Nuclear war|nuclear explosion]] or alien invasion, New York more than any other city bears the brunt of our most apocalyptic futures. 
** Matt Novak, [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/big-apple-apocalypse-200-years-of-destroying-new-york-city-27860853/#BB7lkO5ypZQombHS.99 &quot;Big Apple Apocalypse: 200 Years of Destroying New York City], ''Smithsonian'', (September 6, 2012).

==P==
[[File:Brooklyn_Bridge_-_03.jpg|thumb|It came to be the symbol of the city — not just the American city, but the city itself — with skyscrapers in the early 20th century. It remains the most important American city despite the rise of [[Chicago]] at one point, and [[Los Angeles]] and [[D.C.]] At least for economics and for culture, New York is still the capital and has been, really from the 1830s onward. ~ Max Page]]
[[File:Kingkongposter.jpg|thumb|The best thing for New York might be the sight of [[King Kong]] tramping through the streets of Manhattan on his way to a fateful appointment at the top of the Empire State Building,” Mr. Page wrote. “For if there is one thing that symbolizes New York’s pre-eminence, it is that so many still want to imagine the city’s end. ~ Max Page]]
[[File:Intersection (5919349009).jpg|thumb|The most fabulous city in the world. ~ Ji-woo Park]]
[[File:LOC Lower Manhattan New York City World Trade Center August 2001.jpg|thumb|One thing l love about New York City is its diversity. There are different people from all over the globe sharing their culture and building their communities. For example, New York’s Chinatown is the largest Chinese community in the western hemisphere. ~ Ji-woo Park]]
[[File:Wtc-2004-memorial.jpg|thumb|I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win! ~ [[Vladimir Putin|Vladimir V. Putin]]]]
* It came to be the symbol of the city — not just the American city, but the city itself — with skyscrapers in the early [[20th century]]. It remains the most important American city despite the rise of [[Chicago]] at one point, and [[Los Angeles]] and [[D.C.]] At least for [[economics]] and for [[culture]], New York is still the capital and has been, really from the 1830s onward.
** Max Page in [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/big-apple-apocalypse-200-years-of-destroying-new-york-city-27860853/#BB7lkO5ypZQombHS.99 &quot;Big Apple Apocalypse: 200 Years of Destroying New York City&quot;], by Matt Novak, ''Smithsonian'', (September 6, 2012).

* The best thing for New York might be the sight of [[King Kong]] tramping through the streets of Manhattan on his way to a fateful appointment at the top of the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]],” Mr. Page wrote. “For if there is one thing that symbolizes New York’s pre-eminence, it is that so many still want to imagine the city’s end.
** Max Page as quoted in [https://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/26/the-irresistible-urge-to-destroy-new-york-on-screen/ “The Irresistible Urge to Destroy New York on Screen”] by Sewell Chan, ''New York Times'', (December 26, 2007).

* One thing I love about New York City is its diversity. There are different people from all over the globe sharing their culture and building their communities. For example, New York's Chinatown is the largest Chinese community in the western hemisphere.
** Ji-woo Park, [http://www.nknews.org/2013/05/from-racial-bias-to-loving-harlema-north-korean-in-new-york/ &quot;A North Korean in New York&quot;] (23 May 2010), ''NK News''

* One of the things I find most surprising is that people in New York eat while they walk.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213744/https://www.nknews.org/2013/04/nyc-street-food-vs-north-korean-market-food/ &quot;NYC Street Food VS North Korean Market Food&quot;] (24 April 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* [T]he most fabulous city in the world.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213921/https://www.nknews.org/2013/06/a-north-korean-goes-to-disneyland/ &quot;A North Korean goes to Disneyland&quot;] (7 June 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* In New York City, I am not afraid of the summer heat at all because of the air conditioners.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213732/https://www.nknews.org/2013/06/north-korean-tips-on-how-to-survive-new-york-city-summers-2/ &quot;North Korean tips on how to survive New York City summers&quot;] (21 June 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* I really wanted to stay in New York City longer. I have been missing my life in New York City. One thing that I missed about it is the food. I really enjoyed Mexican and Indian food in New York City. I went to Chipotle at least twice a week when I was there. Brown rice with chicken was my favorite. If dark green guacamole was on top of the rice it could not have been better. There was an Indian restaurant near my school so I went there many times. When it served lunch (from 12-3 p.m.), the price per person was only $12, including tips and taxes. It was the cheapest Indian restaurant I had ever been to. The good news was that its food was as good as its prices. I feel so depressed when I think of and talk about the food I had in New York City. I will not be able to try them again until I go back to the States... One thing I have discovered is life in Seoul is much more difficult and stressful than in New York City. [[South Korea]] is a small country, but it is incredibly strong. The secret is competition. Everybody competes with each other in order to attain their goals. They work so hard that they almost never go home before 10 p.m. during the weekdays. University students, for example, would register for TOEIC or TOEFL classes even before the summer and winter vacations come. The library is full of students now even though it is summer vacation. Every student is studying something. If they did not do anything, they would feel insecure and left behind. Although New York City is viewed as one of the most bustling and busy cities in the world, what I had noticed was that New Yorkers had more room to be relaxed and do whatever they wanted.  It is true that their society is really competitive, but they do not really force themselves to win every time they compete.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160415030440/https://www.nknews.org/2013/08/a-north-korean-in-new-york-city-says-goodbye/ &quot;A North Korean in New York City says goodbye&quot;] (10 August 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. '''I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great [[United States|American nation]] are to win!'''
** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001).

==R==
[[File:WTC Twin Towers Night July 2001.jpg|thumb|I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? ~ [[Ayn Rand]]]]
[[File:Lower Manhattan Skyline March 2001.jpg|thumb|Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window? No, I don't feel how small I am. But, I feel that if a war came to threaten this? I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body. ~ [[Ayn Rand]]]]
* That particular sense of sacred rapture men say they experience in contemplating nature- I've never received it from nature, only from. Buildings, Skyscrapers. I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pest-hole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' (1943).

* They're building armoured skyscrapers in New York, every flat costs 100 billions euros. We're going towards a new middle-age: there'll be fortresses with rich chinese, russians, indians, arabians, americans inside, while the rest of the world will live in a new dark age.
** [[Marco Rizzo]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L7lkF2Jy8A&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=735 Interview], 4 January 2017

* Living in California adds ten years to a man's life. And those extra ten years I'd like to spent in New York.
** [[Harry Ruby]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* The New York State Department of Health appeared to announce this week that non-white New Yorkers would receive priority over whites in receiving “extremely limited” Covid-19 therapies for people at risk.
** Russia Today, [https://www.rt.com/news/544868-non-whites-covid-priority/ Non-whites to receive priority for limited Covid pill], 31 December 2021

==S==
[[File:NH43901-enhanced.jpg|thumb|Mr. Smith said that at the Empire State Building, airships like the Graf, almost 800 feet long, would “swing in the breeze and the passengers go down a gangplank”; seven minutes later they would be on the street. ~ Alfred E. Smith]]
[[File:StPatCathExt1.jpg|thumb|Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? ~ [[Dinesh D'Souza]]]]
[[File:Manhattan_from_helicopter_edit1.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it. ~ [[Dinesh D'Souza]]]]
* New York is a woman, holding, according to history, a rag called liberty with one hand, and strangling the earth with the other.
** ''Syrian poet Ali Ahmad Said (pseudonym [[Adunis]]) in &quot;The Funeral of New York&quot;''.

* When its 100 degrees in New York, its 78 in Los Angeles. When its 10 degrees in New York, its 78 in Los Angeles. There are two million interesting people in New York. There are 78 in Los Angeles.
** [[Neil Simon]], ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' Feb. 1979.

* In late 1929, Alfred E. Smith, the leader of a group of investors erecting the Empire State Building, announced that they were increasing the height of the building to 1,250 feet from 1,050. Mr. Smith, a past governor of New York, denied that competition with the 1,046-foot-high [[Chrysler Building]] was a factor. “We are measuring its rise by principles of economic investment rather than spectacular standards,” he told The [[The New York Times|New York Times]]. &lt;br&gt; The extra 200 feet, it was announced, was to serve as a mooring mast for dirigibles so that they could dock in Midtown, rather than out in [[w:Lakehurst, New Jersey|Lakehurst, N.J.]], the station used by the German Graf Zeppelin. Mr. Smith said that at the Empire State Building, airships like the Graf, almost 800 feet long, would “swing in the breeze and the passengers go down a gang-plank”; seven minutes later they would be on the street. 
** [[w:Alfred E. Smith|Alfred E. Smith]] as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/26/realestate/26scapes.html “Not Just a Perch for King Kong”], by Christopher Gray, ''New York Times'', (Sept. 23, 2010)

* Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which [[Serbs]] and [[w:Croatians|Croatians]], [[Sikhism|Sikhs]] and [[Hindu|Hindus]], [[Ireland|Irish]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]] and Irish [[Protestantism|Protestants]], [[Judaism|Jews]] and [[Palestine|Palestinians]], all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world?
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151010163703/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php#photo-2709803 &quot;10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American&quot;] (29 June 2003), ''SFGate''.

* The [[w:Native Americans in the United States|American Indians]] sold Manhattan to the [[Dutch people|Dutch]] for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism'], ''The Daily Caller'' (18 June 2014).

* New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, 'Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!' And they all open with a joke about, 'Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!' And you go, 'Well, why do you fucking live here?' Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable.
** [[Doug Stanhope]], ''No Refunds''.

* Sometimes I get bored riding down the beautiful streets of L.A. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to go to New York and see people suffer.
** [[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

==T==
[[File:Empire State Building Night.jpg|thumb|City of prose and fantasy, of capitalist automatism, its streets a triumph of cubism [...] more than any other city, it is the fullest expression of our modern age. ~ [[Leon Trotsky]] ]]
* '''City of prose and fantasy, of capitalist automatism, its streets a triumph of cubism, its moral philosophy that of the dollar.''' New York impressed me tremendously because, '''more than any other city, it is the fullest expression of our modern age.'''
**[[Leon Trotsky]], ''My Life'', 1930. {{Cite book|title=A Treasury of Jewish Quotations|editor=Baron, Joseph L.|date=1956|publisher=Crown Publishers, Inc.|location=New York|page=332}} 

==U==
[[File:Wade - Downtown Manhattan Skyline.jpg|thumb|The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. ~ John Updike]]
* The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
** [[John Updike]], ''The New Yorker'' (March 29, 1976)

==W==
[[File:September 11 Tribute in Light at Dusk.jpg|thumb|The city, for the first time in its long history, is destructible. A single flight of planes no bigger than a wedge of geese can quickly end this island fantasy, burn the towers, crumble the bridges, turn the underground passages into lethal chambers, cremate the millions. ~ [[E.B. White]] ]]
[[File:1 times square night 2013.jpg|thumb|No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky. ~ [[E.B. White]] ]]
[[File:Twin Towers from Empire State Building.jpg|thumb|New York blazes like a magnificent jewel in its fit setting of sea, and earth, and stars. ~ [[Thomas Wolfe]]]]
[[File:New_York_City_at_night_HDR.jpg|thumb|Surely no streets have been portrayed on the pages of comics as often as Manhattan’s, most famously as Metropolis by day and Gotham by night. Not to be outdone, [[Spider-Man]] once even said “I am New York.” [[Batman]], the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Ninja Turtles]], the [[Fantastic Four]], [[Superman]] and a host of other do-gooders in stretch pants may have thoughts on that. ~ Pascal Wyse]]
* '''The subtlest change in New York is something people don't speak much about but that is in everyone's mind. The city, for the first time in its long history, is destructible. A single flight of planes no bigger than a wedge of geese can quickly end this island fantasy, burn the towers, crumble the bridges, turn the underground passages into lethal chambers, cremate the millions. The intimation of mortality is part of New York now: in the sounds of jets overhead, in the black headlines of the latest edition.'''&lt;br&gt;All dwellers in cities must dwell with the stubborn fact of annihilation; in New York the fact is somewhat more concentrated because of the concentration of the city itself and because, of all targets, New York has a certain clear priority. '''In the mind of whatever perverted dreamer who might loose the lightning, New York must hold a steady, irresistible charm.'''
** [[E.B. White]], &quot;Here Is New York,&quot; ''Holiday'' (1948); reprinted in ''Here is New York'' (1949) 

* '''No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky.'''
** [[E.B. White]], ''Here is New York'' (1949)

* '''Faculty X is simply that latent power in human beings possess ''to reach beyond the present''.''' After all, we know perfectly well that the past is as real as the present, and that New York and Singapore and Lhasa and Stepney Green are all as real as the place I happen to be in at the moment. ''Yet my senses do not agree''. They assure me that this place, here and now, is far more real than any other place or any other time. Only in certain moments of great inner intensity do I know this to be a lie. Faculty X is a sense of reality, the reality of other places and other times, and it is the possession of it — fragmentary and uncertain though it is — that distinguishes man from all other animals. 
** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''The Occult: A History '', p. 59 (1971)

* New York blazes like a magnificent jewel in its fit setting of sea, and earth, and stars.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], ''[http://www.nydailyquote.com/ The Web and the Rock]''

* One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], ''Explore'', April 15, 2009 edition

* In New York the opportunities for learning, and acquiring a culture that shall not come out of the ruins, but belong to life, are probably greater than anywhere else in the world.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=6G16-JUIP5YC&amp;pg=PA663&amp;dq=%22In+New+York+the+opportunities+for+learning,+and+acquiring+a+culture+that+shall+not+come+out+of+the+ruins,+but+belong+to+life,+are+probably+greater+than+anywhere+else+in+the+world.%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=xO_oU-_ECcfaoATo_ILABg&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22In%20New%20York%20the%20opportunities%20for%20learning%2C%20and%20acquiring%20a%20culture%20that%20shall%20not%20come%20out%20of%20the%20ruins%2C%20but%20belong%20to%20life%2C%20are%20probably%20greater%20than%20anywhere%20else%20in%20the%20world.%22&amp;f=false ''Of Time and the River: A Legend of Man's Hunger in His Youth''] (1935)

* From my room, I could lie across my bed and watch the cars rush along Central Park West. In a hurry to get someplace. Everyone in New York is in a hurry. You see businessmen walking fast, their heads bowed, the cuffs of their pants flapping hard against their ankles. They don't look at anyone. Once I followed this man, walking so close behind him I could have been his daughter—but he never even looked over and noticed me. For two blocks I walked like that beside him. It made me sad for him—that he could walk through this world without looking left or right.
** Jacqueline Woodson, ''[[If You Come Softly]]'' (1998) pp. 15-16

* If you have made it this far into the story, the chances are the city in your mind is New York. Or at least some version of it. Surely no streets have been portrayed on the pages of comics as often as Manhattan’s, most famously as Metropolis by day and Gotham by night. Not to be outdone, [[Spider-Man]] once even said “I am New York.” [[Batman]], the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Ninja Turtles]], the [[Fantastic Four]], [[Superman]] and a host of other do-gooders in stretch pants may have thoughts on that. As might Mitchell Hundred, who, despite possessing superpowers unsuited to desk work, hangs up his cape and becomes mayor of the city in ''[[Ex Machina (comics)|Ex Machina]]''. “Stopping bullets ain’t in your job description anymore, boss,” says his aide when the guns come out. &lt;br&gt; There may not be a birth certificate for comics (especially if you embrace the broader definition of “sequential art”), but the strip was certainly raised in New York, and well fed by the competition between [[newspapers]] and their publishers in the early 1900s. Well nourished, too, by the meat and drink of urban life.
** Pascal Wyse, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2014/sep/09/gotham-new-york-what-do-comics-tell-us-about-cities &quot;Gotham State of mind: What do comics tell us about cities?&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (9 Sep 2014). 

* No one’s dreams were more coloured by the city than [[w:Winsor McCay|Winsor McCay]]’s ''[[w:Little Nemo in Slumberland|Little Nemo in Slumberland]]'', one of the earliest US strips, which ran in the New York Herald from 1905-1911. As he falls into a fantastic sleep, Nemo’s cot grows legs like a giraffe and he strides, almost Godzilla-like, through fantastic, sky-scraping scenery inspired by McCay’s memories of city expos and theme-park rollercoasters – a kind of fantasy architecture. It’s the architecture of the page, though, that McCay was most radical with. Nemo didn’t just reach across the page, but down it, in dizzying vertical panels that knocked out the supporting walls of the old calendar-like “waffle” of the comic.
** Pascal Wyse, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2014/sep/09/gotham-new-york-what-do-comics-tell-us-about-cities &quot;Gotham State of mind: What do comics tell us about cities?&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (9 Sep 2014).  

==Y==
[[File:UN HQ 157652121 5b5979da9e2.jpg|thumb|New York is symbolic for the pride of mankind. ~ Cevat Yerli]]
* New York is symbolic for the pride of mankind.
** Cevat Yerli, CEO and President and Crytek, on why [[Crysis]] 2 was set in New York City. [http://arstechnica.com/gaming/news/2010/04/first-look-crysis-2-comes-to-consoles-destroys-nyc.ars].

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922) ===
&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 552-53.&lt;/small&gt;

* Stream of the living world&lt;br&gt;Where dash the billows of strife!—&lt;br&gt;One plunge in the mighty torrent&lt;br&gt;Is a year of tamer life!&lt;br&gt;City of glorious days,&lt;br&gt;Of hope, and labour and mirth,&lt;br&gt;With room and to spare, on thy splendid bays&lt;br&gt;For the ships of all the earth!
** [[Richard Watson Gilder]], ''The City''.

* Silent, grim, colossal, the Big City has ever stood against its revilers. They call it hard as iron; they say that nothing of pity beats in its bosom; they compare its streets with lonely forests and deserts of lava. But beneath the hard crust of the lobster is found a delectable and luscious food. Perhaps a different simile would have been wiser. Still nobody should take offence. We would call nobody a lobster with good and sufficient claws.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Between Rounds. In Four Million''.

* New York is the Caoutchouc City. * * * They have the furor rubberendi.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Comedy in Rubber. In The Voice of the City''.

* In dress, habits, manners, provincialism, routine and narrowness, he acquired that charming insolence, that irritating completeness, that sophisticated crassness, that overbalanced poise that makes the Manhattan gentleman so delightfully small in his greatness.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Defeat of the City. In The Voice of the City''.

* Far below and around lay the city like a ragged purple dream. The irregular houses were like the broken exteriors of cliffs lining deep gulches and winding streams. Some were mountainous; some lay in long, monotonous rows like, the basalt precipices hanging over desert cañons. Such was the background of the wonderful, cruel, enchanting, bewildering, fatal, great city. But into this background were cut myriads of brilliant parallelograms and circles and squares through which glowed many colored lights. And out of the violet and purple depths ascended like the city's soul, sounds and odors and thrills that make up the civic body. There arose the breath of gaiety unrestrained, of love, of hate, of all the passions that man can know. There below him lay all things, good or bad, that can be brought from the four corners of the earth to instruct, please, thrill, enrich, elevate, cast down, nurture or kill. Thus the flavor of it came up to him and went into his blood.
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Duel. In Strictly Business''.

* Well, little old Noisyville-on-the-Subway is good enough for me * * * Me for it from the rathskellers up. Sixth Avenue is the West now to me.
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Duel. In Strictly Business''.

*&quot;If you don't mind me asking,&quot; came the bell-like tones of the Golden Diana, &quot;I'd like to know where you got that City Hall brogue. I did not know that Liberty was necessarily Irish.&quot; &quot;If ye'd studied the history of art in its foreign complications, ye'd not need to ask,&quot; replied Mrs. Liberty, &quot;If ye wasn't so light and giddy ye'd know that I was made by a Dago and presented to the American people on behalf of the French Government for the purpose of welcomin' Irish immigrants into the Dutch city of New York. 'Tis that I've been doing night and day since I was erected.&quot;
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Lady Higher Up. In Sixes and Sevens''.

* GEORGE WASHINGTON, with his right arm upraised, sits his iron horse at the lower corner of Union Square * * * Should the General raise his left hand as he has raised his right, it would point to a quarter of the city that forms a haven for the oppressed and suppressed of foreign lands. In the cause of national or personal freedom they have found refuge here, and the patriot who made it for them sits his steed, overlooking their district, while he listens through his left ear to vaudeville that caricatures the posterity of his protégés.
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Philistine in Bohemia. In Voice of the City''.

* If there ever was an aviary overstocked with jays it is that Yaptown-on-the-Hudson, called New York. Cosmopolitan they call it, you bet. So's a piece of fly-paper. You listen close when they're buzzing and trying to pull their feet out of the sticky stuff. &quot;Little old New York's good enough for us&quot;—that's what they sing.
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Tempered Wind. In The Gentle Grafter''.

* You'd think New York people was all wise; but no, they can't get a chance to learn. Every thing's too compressed. Even the hayseeds are bailed hayseeds. But what else can you expect from a town that's shut off from the world by the ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other?
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Tempered Wind. In The Gentle Grafter''.

* Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,&lt;br&gt;With conquering limbs astride from land to land;&lt;br&gt;Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand&lt;br&gt;A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame&lt;br&gt;Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name&lt;br&gt;Mother of exiles.
** [[Emma Lazarus]], ''The New Colossus''.

* Some day this old Broadway shall climb to the skies,&lt;br&gt;As a ribbon of cloud on a soul-wind shall rise,&lt;br&gt;And we shall be lifted, rejoicing by night,&lt;br&gt;Till we join with the planets who choir their delight.&lt;br&gt;The signs in the streets and the signs in the skies&lt;br&gt;Shall make a new Zodiac, guiding the wise,&lt;br&gt;And Broadway make one with that marvelous stair&lt;br&gt;That is climbed by the rainbow-clad spirits of prayer.
** [[Vachel Lindsay]], ''Rhyme about an Electrical Advertising Sign''.

* For reasons becoming clear to me, New York City you are dead to me. Well, you can turn back time but I'm never coming back.
** [[w:Momus|Momus]], [http://imomus.com/pillycock.html &quot;Eurotrash&quot;] (2018), ''Pillycock''

* Up in the heights of the evening skies I see my City of Cities float&lt;br&gt;In sunset's golden and crimson dyes: I look and a great joy clutches my throat!&lt;br&gt;Plateau of roofs by canyons crossed: windows by thousands fire-furled—&lt;br&gt;O gazing, how the heart is lost in the Deepest City in the World.
** [[James Oppenheim]], ''New York from a Skyscraper''.

* Just where the Treasury's marble front&lt;br&gt;* Looks over Wall Street's mingled nations,—&lt;br&gt;Where Jews and Gentiles most are wont&lt;br&gt;* To throng for trade and last, quotations;&lt;br&gt;Where, hour, by hour, the rates of gold&lt;br&gt;* Outrival, in the ears of people,&lt;br&gt;The quarter-chimes, serenely tolled&lt;br&gt;From Trinity's undaunted steeple.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Pan in Wall Street''.

* Lo! body and soul!—this land!&lt;br&gt;Mighty Manhattan, with spires, and&lt;br&gt;The sparkling and hurrying tides, and the ships;&lt;br&gt;The varied and ample land,—the South&lt;br&gt;And the North in the light—Ohio's shores, and flashing Missouri,&lt;br&gt;And ever the far-spreading prairies, covered with grass and corn.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Sequel to Drum-Taps. When Lilacs Last in the Door-Yard Bloom'd'', Stanza 12.

=== Songs ===
[[File:Top of Rock Cropped.jpg|thumb|In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh. There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
[[File:New York year 2000 01.JPG|thumb|Big pimping, up in NYC. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
[[File:Manhattan 1931.jpg|thumb|It's a city where a man can fulfill his dreams... Let me never leave it. New York's my home, sweet home. ~ [[w:Sammy Davis, Jr.|Sammy Davis]] ]]
[[File:Rucker Park (WTM wikiWhat 023).jpg|thumb|Whether she is clean or dirty she's the greatest town that you'll ever find, yeah! ~ [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]] ]]
[[File:Sunrise over Central Park.jpg |thumb|In this cold and heartless city  &lt;br /&gt; Isn't the village a pretty place  &lt;br /&gt; Aglow in the [[morning]] [[sun]]? ~ [[What's So Bad About Feeling Good?]] ]]
* But we're hunters; we take pride in airing our prey out. Leaving them laid out, dead, in just a sport. Because we aren't playing up here in New York.
** [[w:Ja Rule|Jeffrey Atkins]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/Ja-rule-new-york-lyrics New York]&quot; (2004), ''[[w:R.U.L.E.|R.U.L.E.]]''

* Big pimping, up in NYC.
** [[Jay-Z|Shawn C. Carter]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jayz/bigpimpinextended.html &quot;Big Pimpin'&quot;] (2000).

* '''In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh&lt;br&gt;There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York&lt;br&gt;These streets will make you feel brand new&lt;br&gt;Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York&lt;br&gt;New York, New York.'''
** [[Jay-Z|Shawn C. Carter]], &quot;[[https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/jay-z/empire-state-of-mind.html Empire State Of Mind]]&quot; (2009), ''[[w:The Blueprint 3|The Blueprint 3]]''.

* 'Cause everyone's my friend in New York City&lt;br&gt;And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty&lt;br&gt;The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see&lt;br&gt;But the best thing about New York City is you and me.
** [[w:cub (band)|cub]], ''New York City''.

* '''Cause when you leave New York &lt;br&gt; Man, you don't go anywhere'''&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt; '''It's a city where a man &lt;br&gt; Can fulfill his dreams''' &lt;br&gt; The only town that's left &lt;br&gt; That's got three baseball teams &lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt; ('''That's why New York's his home) &lt;br&gt; Let me never leave it &lt;br&gt; New York's my home, sweet home'''
** [[w:Sammy Davis, Jr.|Sammy Davis]], ''New York's My Home'' (1956).

* I had seven faces&lt;br&gt;thought I knew which one to wear&lt;br&gt;But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights&lt;br&gt;training myself not to care&lt;br&gt;the subway, she is a porno&lt;br&gt;and the pavements they are a mess&lt;br&gt;I know you've supported me for a long time&lt;br&gt;somehow I'm not impressed &lt;br&gt;New York Cares (got to be some more change in my life)
** [[Interpol]], ''NYC''.

* New York City, you are now riding with 50 Cent! You've got to love it!
** [[50 Cent|Curtis James Jackson III]], &quot;21 Questions&quot; (2003).

* I run New York. [[w:Tony Yayo|Yayo]] tell them, I run New York.
** [[50 Cent|Curtis James Jackson III]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/50-cent-i-run-new-york-lyrics I Run New York]&quot;, ''[http://www.datpiff.com/DJ_Nobody_50_Cent_Vs_The_World.m41539.html 50 Cent vs. The World]''.

* Brownsville, Flatbush, Crown Heights, Brooklyn Zoo... Welcome to the jungle. New York, New York. Gangsters use sign language, and let their guns talk.
** [[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]], [http://genius.com/401133 &quot;Gunz Come Out&quot;] (2005), ''The Massacre''.

* Me, I'm takin' a Greyhound&lt;br&gt;On the Hudson River line&lt;br&gt;I'm in a New York State of Mind
** [[Billy Joel]], ''New York State of Mind''.

* You're fucking with a dirty New Yorker. [[w:Queens|Queens]] in this bitch, fall back or get roped up.
** [[w:Proidgy (rapper)|Albert Johnson]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/Mobb-deep-dirty-new-yorker-lyrics Dirty New Yorker]&quot; (2008), ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]''.

* '''One hand in the air for the big city &lt;br/&gt; Street lights, big dreams, all lookin' pretty &lt;br/&gt; No place in the world that could compare &lt;br/&gt; Put your lighters in the air &lt;br/&gt; Everybody say &quot;yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah&quot;'''
** [[Alicia Keys|Alicia Augello Cook]], &quot;[[w:Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down|Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down]]&quot; (2009), ''[[w:The Element of Freedom|The Element of Freedom]]''.

* '''She is a rock &lt;br/&gt; As we pull but she is steady &lt;br/&gt; And no one can take her freedom away, yeah &lt;br/&gt; (Can't take her freedom) &lt;br/&gt; I love her style &lt;br/&gt; Whether she is clean or dirty &lt;br/&gt; She's the greatest town that you'll ever find, yeah!'''
** [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], New York City (2014), from the on September 23, 2014 released album [[w:Strut (album)|Strut]]

* She is my heart &lt;br/&gt; '''I love New York City &lt;br/&gt; She's lived and died &lt;br/&gt; So many times, yeah! &lt;br/&gt; Life is always tough &lt;br/&gt; On New York City, oh lord &lt;br/&gt; But she is fine, she always survives, yeah!'''
** [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], New York City (2014), from the on September 23, 2014 released album [[w:Strut (album)|Strut]]

* New York, I love you. But, you're bringing me down. Like a rat in a cage, pulling minimum wage.
** [[w:LCD Soundsystem|LCD Soundsystem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eohHwsplvY &quot;New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down&quot;], ''[[w:Sound of Silver|Sound of Silver]]'' (2007).

* New York, New York, a helluva town. The Bronx is up but the {{W|Battery Park|Battery}}'s down.
** {{W|On the Town (musical)|On the Town}} (1944)

* It's easier to leave than to be left behind&lt;br&gt;Leaving was never my proud&lt;br&gt;Leaving New York, never easy&lt;br&gt;I saw the light fading out&lt;br&gt;You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart&lt;br&gt;You find it in your heart, change...
** [[R.E.M.]], ''Leaving New York''.

* If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere! It's up to you, New York!
** Frank Sinatra, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KJQNMqVIug &quot;Theme From ''New York, New York''&quot;].

* Why do we still live here&lt;br&gt;In this repulsive town?&lt;br&gt;All our friends are in New York
** [[The Magnetic Fields]], ''100,000 Fireflies.

* In New York freedom looks like too many choices&lt;br&gt;In New York I found a friend to drown out the other voices&lt;br&gt;Voices on the cell phone&lt;br&gt;Voices from home&lt;br&gt;Voices of the hard sell&lt;br&gt;Voices down the stairwell&lt;br&gt;In New York, just got a place in New York
** [[U2]], ''New York''.

*: '''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': &lt;br /&gt;'' '''In this cold and heartless city &lt;br /&gt; Isn't the village a pretty place &lt;br /&gt; Aglow in the [[morning]] [[sun]]?''' ''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Can't [[imagine]] why it should be, &lt;br /&gt; But something's happened to me &lt;br /&gt; I feel like [[smiling]] at ''everyone''. ''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Though the [[world]] may not be [[perfect]] yet, &lt;br /&gt; Still the only way we're gonna get any better is if we ''try''. &lt;br /&gt; Look at the [[fun]] we've been missing &lt;br /&gt; Things like huggin' and kissin' &lt;br /&gt; So let's enjoy it the way we should. &lt;br /&gt; Tell me what's so bad, &lt;br /&gt; Tell me what's so bad &lt;br /&gt; About feeling good?''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Always thought that life was just a drag &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] this daisy's got a brand new bag &lt;br /&gt; Hey world take a good look at me.'' &lt;p&gt; ''Though I'm flying high as a kite, &lt;br /&gt; What turns me on is the sight of life, &lt;br /&gt; The grooviest trip of all &lt;br /&gt; Best kick I've ever had, &lt;br /&gt; So tell me what's so bad about feeling good?''&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;!-- :'''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': Man I had the craziest dream &lt;br /&gt; I danced with Mr. Clean and gave the White Knight a helping hand &lt;br /&gt; Best day we've ever had, so tell us what's so bad about feeling good? --&gt;
*:'''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': ''So don't forget to carry a smile &lt;br /&gt; And maybe after a while it will all turn out the way it should &lt;br /&gt; So tell me what's so bad about feeling good?''
** ''[[What's So Bad About Feeling Good?]] (1968), theme song sung by the Village neighbors in the film.

== Dialogue ==
*'''Mitchell Hundred''': '''Kremlin'''? Jesus, you can't just break into '''{{w|Gracie Mansion}}''', you nutjob!
:'''Kremlin''': Yes, when I come here from Russia as child, this whole place was filled with nothing but filthy '''restrooms''' for the park-goers.
:'''Mitchell Hundred''': Funny, somebody just told me my office downtown was once a '''jail'''. Everything good in New York used to be something awful, I guess.
:'''Kremlin''': And everything awful used to be something good.
:*''[[w:Ex Machina (comics)|Ex Machina (comics)]]'', [[w:Brian K. Vaughan|Brian K. Vaughan]] and [[w:Tony Harris (comics)|Tony Harris]], &quot;State of Emergency Part 3&quot;

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wikivoyage}}
* [https://newyorkerlife.com/ New Yorker Life]
* [https://www.nyc.gov/ The Official Website of the City of New York]


[[Category:New York City| ]]
[[Category:Cities in the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="56546" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag of New York City.svg|thumb|New York, I love you. But, you're bringing me down. Like a rat in a cage, pulling minimum wage. ~ [[w:LCD Soundsystem|LCD Soundsystem]]]]
[[File:Seal of New York City.svg|thumb|If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere! It's up to you, New York! New York! ~ Frank Sinatra]]
'''[[w:New York City|New York City]]''', officially known as '''New York''', is the largest city of the [[United States]] by population, with 8.6 million residents in 2016. It was settled in 1613 by Dutch and originally called '''New Amsterdam'''. New York  is popularly known as the &quot;Big Apple&quot;, &quot;Gotham City&quot;, &quot;Empire City&quot;, &quot;Fun City&quot;, &quot;The Naked City&quot;, and the &quot;City That Never Sleeps&quot;. [[w:New York County|Manhattan Island]] is often referred to as &quot;The City&quot; by New Yorkers, despite being only one part of the city itself. New York  is often referred to as &quot;the Capital of the World&quot;, due to its size, wealth, and for its hosting of the [[United Nations]] organization headquarters.
__NOTOC__

{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Songs|Songs]]'' . ''[[#Dialogue|Dialogue]]'' }}

== Quotes ==
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;

==A==
* The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
** [[Douglas Adams]], &quot;Mostly Harmless&quot;.

==B==
* New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.
** [[Russell Baker]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* A certified geezer is also freer to express displeasure. Once I was walking in midtown Manhattan at rush hour, and I came to a massive traffic jam, horns honking everywhere, and right in the middle of a major intersection, the center of the whole mess, was a taxi driver honking at a very elderly man who was standing directly in front of the cab, blocking its path, and hitting it with his umbrella. WHAP the umbrella would go, on the hood. Then, very slowly, the elderly man would raise it into the air, over his head, where it would waver for a second and then... WHAP it would come down on the hood again. I stopped to watch, along with a large crowd of New Yorkers, who have an inbred genetic hatred of taxi drivers and who cheered louder with every WHAP. Nobody made any effort to move the elderly man out of the way. He was doing exactly what we'd all wanted to do a million times, but we couldn't because we'd get run over or arrested. I finally had to leave, but I like to think that the reason New York traffic is always so screwed up is that the elderly man is still in that intersection, whapping away. So for my money, geezerhood is definitely the way to go. In fact, you might want to start practicing right now.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 176-177

* I'll give you another example of what I'm talking about. We've traveled extensively in the United States, and our son often travels with us, and when he does we always try to arrange to have one of those folding beds for him in our hotel room. Beth always calls the hotel in advance and asks them to please write down that we want a folding bed. She calls later to confirm that there will be a folding bed. When we check in, we always remind them that we need a folding bed. So needless to say, there has never- not ''once'', in ten years, in dozens and dozens of hotels- been an actual folding bed in our room when we got there. We ''always'' have to call Housekeeping tto ask for it, and nothing happens, so we call again, and maybe again, and of course Housekeeping is not happy about this- ''These damned guests! Always calling Housekeeping and requesting Housekeeping services!&quot;''- and then finally, often late at night, our folding bed will be brought to us by a person who is obviously annoyed about having to deliver beds in the middle of the night to people who should have thought of this earlier. Naturally, I always give this person a tip. In Japan, the bed was always there, at every hotel, when we checked in. This may seem minor to you, but to us it was a miracle, comparable in scope to having a total stranger hold a door open for you in New York City.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Does Japan'' (1992), p. 48-49

* Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way. These are snakes that started out as pets of Miami residents, until one day these residents stopped smoking crack and said, &quot;Jesus H. Christ! We're living with a giant snake!&quot;
** [[Dave Barry]], ''I'll Mature When I'm Dead'' (2010), p. 84-85

* Everybody ought to have a lower East Side in their life.
** [[Irving Berlin]], ''Vogue'' (Nov. 1, 1962)

* You know what’s great about New York? The threshold for citizenship as a New Yorker is actually pretty short. If you come to New York and you still like it two years after you arrived here, and you still think it’s great and you’re having a good time and you haven’t been just totally ground down and go limping back to wherever the fuck you came from, you know what? You’re in!
** [[Anthony Bourdain]] The Layover - New York City

* I can't see heaven but I credit hell — &lt;br /&gt; I live in New York so I know it well.
** [[John Brunner]], ''Stand on Zanzibar'' (1968), the happening world (6): &quot;Street Seen&quot;

==C==
[[File:Manhattan skyline.jpg|thumb|Manhattan. Sometimes from beyond the skyscrapers, across thousands of high walls, the fearful cry of a too-well-known voice finds you in your insomnia in the middle of the night, and you remember that this desert of iron and cement is an island of un-reality. ~ [[Albert Camus]]]]
[[File:Clock in BandW at Grand Central.JPG|thumb|New York is the only real city-city. ~ [[Truman Capote]]]]
[[File:Sunrise in Midtown, New York City - January 16, 2013.jpg|thumb|These streets will make you feel brand new. Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York. New York, New York. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
* Manhattan. Sometimes from beyond the [[Skyscraper|skyscrapers]], across thousands of high walls, the fearful cry of a too-well-known voice finds you in your insomnia in the middle of the night, and you remember that this desert of iron and cement is an island of un-reality.
** [[Albert Camus]], ''American Journals'' (1978).

* New York is the only real city-city.
** [[Truman Capote]], Quoted by James A. Clapp in [http://books.google.com/books?id=xgypAgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA69&amp;dq=%22New+York+is+the+only+real+city-city%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=DfLoU5u_HtPcoATv24CQBg&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22New%20York%20is%20the%20only%20real%20city-city%22&amp;f=false ''The City: A Dictionary of Quotable Thoughts on Cities and Urban Life'']

* Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
** [[George Carlin]], ''Brain Droppings''

* [[Donald Trump]] has been uncommonly nice to [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and me. We're all [[w:New York|New York]]ers. And I like him. And I love playing golf with him.
** [[Bill Clinton]], June 4, 2012.[http://www.salon.com/2012/06/04/bill_clinton_said_what/singleton/]

* We are all New Yorkers, just as surely as John F. Kennedy declared himself to be a Berliner in 1962 when he visited Berlin.
** [[w:Jean-Marie Colombani|Jean-Marie Colombani]], ''Le Monde'' (liberal), Paris, France, Sept. 12, 2001.

* I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more Virginia, New York, Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America.
** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

==D==
* New York was no mere city. It was instead an infinitely romantic notion, the mysterious nexus of all love and money and power, the shining and the perishable dream itself. To think of 'living' there was to reduce the miraculous to the mundane; one does not 'live' at Xanadu.
** [[Joan Didion]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20100822095804/http://www.nydailyquote.com/2010/08/xanadu.html &quot;Xanadu&quot;] (8 August 2010), ''NY Daily Quote''.

* This is New York. We'll find a place to dance.
** [[w:John M. Ford|John M. Ford]], ''110 Stories'' [http://www.110stories.us/ 110 Stories], 2001

* Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it? I can't say, people just liked it better that way.
** [[w:The Four Lads|The Four Lads]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcze7EGorOk &quot;Istanbul (not Constantinople)&quot;] (1953), [[w:Columbia Records|Columbia Records]]

==H==
[[File:One World Trade Center Aug 15, 2013.jpg|thumb|New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. ~ Harry Hershfield]]
* Where I come from, the rules were relatively simple... Don't look for trouble, because in New York you can always find it. But don't back off either.
** [[w:Pete Hamill|Pete Hamill]], ''Downtown: My Manhattan'' 

* New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts.
** [[w:Harry Hershfield|Harry Hershfield]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York. &quot;What're y'all doin'? Talkin' to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm readin' a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East! Yeah, we're evolving. Is that &quot;The Big One&quot; I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum, bye!
** [[Bill Hicks]], &quot;Goodbye, Lizard Scum&quot; ''Arizona Bay''.

* The selling and enslaving of the human species is a direct violation of the natural rights alike vested in them by their creator, and utterly inconsistent with the avowed principles on which this, and the other states have carried on their struggle for liberty.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=Pel2AAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA30&amp;dq=%22utterly+inconsistent+with+the+avowed%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCQQ6AEwAWoVChMIg_zf_uLRxwIVAx0-Ch3Bxwr2 ''House of Representatives of the State of New York''] (1776).

==J==
[[File:Manhattan from above Hudson River.jpg|thumb|Welcome to the jungle. New York, New York. ~ [[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]] ]]
[[File:NYSE127.jpg|thumb|Panic in Wall Street, brokers feeling melancholy. ~ [[Scott Joplin]]]]
* Take New York, the dynamic metropolis. What makes New York so special? It's the invitation of the [[Statue of Liberty]], &quot;Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses who yearn to breathe free.&quot; Not restricted to English only.  Many people, many cultures, many languages - with one thing in common, they yearn to breathe free. Common ground!
**[[Jesse Jackson]], [https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/jesse/speeches/jesse88speech.html 1988 Democratic National Convention keynote address], (19 July 1988) 
*New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire.
** [[Henry James]], ''Selected Letters of Henry James'', Edited by Leon Edel

* New York City is the most fatally fascinating thing in America. She sits like a great witch at the gate of the country, showing her alluring white face, and hiding her crooked hands and feet under the folds of her wide garments,--constantly enticing thousands from far within, and tempting those who come from across the seas to go no farther. And all these become the victims of her caprice. Some she at once crushes beneath her cruel feet; others she condemns to a fate like that of galley slaves; a few she favors and fondles, riding them high on the bubbles of fortune; then with a sudden breath she blows the bubbles out and laughs mockingly as she watches them fall.
** [[James Weldon Johnson]], ''The Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man''.

* [[Panic]] in [[Wall Street]], brokers feeling melancholy.
** [[Scott Joplin]], &quot;Wall Street Rag&quot; (1909).

* The only reason I wouldn't go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.
** [[Boris Johnson]], [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/boris-johnson/12039931/Boris-Johnson-The-only-reason-I-wouldnt-visit-some-parts-of-New-York-is-the-real-risk-of-meeting-Donald-Trump.html] (8 December 2015)

==K==
* I had a chance to visit America in August 2014. To be honest, I didn't love New York City because it was too crowded, hectic, and flamboyant. But I absolutely loved other parts of America I visited. They felt like paradise to me. If I could speak English and if U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services would allow me to immigrate to America, I would live in the U.S. rather than South Korea. I don't know if it will ever happen.
** Yoo-sung Kim, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160414074548/https://www.nknews.org/2016/04/how-south-koreans-treat-north-koreans/ &quot;How South Koreans treat North Koreans&quot;] (13 August 2016), ''NK News''

* Scientific progress over the past years has been amazing. Man through his scientific genius has been able to dwarf distance and place time in chains, so that today it's possible to eat breakfast in New York City and supper in London.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20090129133622/http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

*Back in about 1753 it took a letter three days to go from New York City to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], and today you can go from here to [[China]] in less time than that... Man's scientific genius has been amazing.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20090129133622/http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

* “They want to see our skyscrapers destroyed because they are envious of them,” Mr. Koch said in a phone interview. Asked whom he was referring to, he said, “‘They’ is the rest of the country.”
** [[w:Ed Koch|Edward Koch]], [https://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/26/the-irresistible-urge-to-destroy-new-york-on-screen/ “The Irresistible Urge to Destroy New York on Screen”] by Sewell Chan, ''New York Times'', (December 26, 2007).

==L==
* Leave us alone, or else expect us in New York and Washington.	
** [[Osama bin Laden]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130826184301/http://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver &quot;Letter to the American people&quot;] (2002)

* When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
** [[Fran Lebowitz]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* A hundred times I have thought: New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: it is a beautiful catastrophe.
** [[Le Corbusier]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=TzwVAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=&amp;quot;A+hundred+times+I+have+thought+New+York+is+a+catastrophe+and+fifty+times+it+is+a+beautiful+catastrophe&amp;quot;#search_anchor When the Cathedrals Were White]'' (1947)

* New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
** [[David Letterman]], ''Late Show with David Letterman'' Feb. 9, 1984.

* Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
** [[David Letterman]], ''Late Show with David Letterman''.

==M==
* You're not from [[w:New York City|New York]], are you? You can't be from New York. Well, when I broke in, I didn't know many people by name so I would just say, &quot;Say, hey,&quot; and the writers picked that up. The writers here in New York can make anything happen, so they made that happen.
** [[Willie Mays]], as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=UVUcAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=p1EEAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=6465%2C2456085&amp;dq=who%27s-best-ever-aside-yourself-next-roberto &quot;Sports of the Times: The Most Natural Ballplayer&quot;] by Dave Anderson, in ''The New York Times'' (January 24, 1979)

* New York: A third-rate [[Babylon]].
** [[H. L. Mencken]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* In New York you can be a new man.
** [[Lin-Manuel Miranda]], ''[[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton]]''.

==N==
[[File:Liberty-shall-not-perish-Pennell.jpeg|thumb|Futurist thinkers have rarely been kind to New York City. In fact, writers and artists have spent the better part of two centuries destroying the Big Apple. Whether by flood or fire, nuclear explosion or alien invasion, New York more than any other city bears the brunt of our most apocalyptic futures. ~ Matt Novak]]
* People come to New York to live in small apartments, after living in large homes elsewhere. They think they will never get used to it. How will they live without their stuff (now in storage, or disposed of)? Very soon, they realize they have more than enough stuff in the apartment.
** [[w:Jay Nordlinger|Jay Nordlinger]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/05/bad-blood-russia-united-states-and-more-jay-nordlingers-impromptus-may-8/ &quot;Bad Blood&quot;] (8 May 2018), ''National Review Online''

* New York arguably boasts the most diverse population of any major city in the world because of the flow of immigrants from across the globe.
**[http://cn.nytimes.com/usa/20131219/c19immigration/print/en-us/ ''The Newest New Yorkers'']

* Futurist thinkers have rarely been kind to New York City. In fact, writers and artists have spent the better part of two centuries destroying the Big Apple. Whether by flood or fire, [[Nuclear war|nuclear explosion]] or alien invasion, New York more than any other city bears the brunt of our most apocalyptic futures. 
** Matt Novak, [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/big-apple-apocalypse-200-years-of-destroying-new-york-city-27860853/#BB7lkO5ypZQombHS.99 &quot;Big Apple Apocalypse: 200 Years of Destroying New York City], ''Smithsonian'', (September 6, 2012).

==P==
[[File:Brooklyn_Bridge_-_03.jpg|thumb|It came to be the symbol of the city — not just the American city, but the city itself — with skyscrapers in the early 20th century. It remains the most important American city despite the rise of [[Chicago]] at one point, and [[Los Angeles]] and [[D.C.]] At least for economics and for culture, New York is still the capital and has been, really from the 1830s onward. ~ Max Page]]
[[File:Kingkongposter.jpg|thumb|The best thing for New York might be the sight of [[King Kong]] tramping through the streets of Manhattan on his way to a fateful appointment at the top of the Empire State Building,” Mr. Page wrote. “For if there is one thing that symbolizes New York’s pre-eminence, it is that so many still want to imagine the city’s end. ~ Max Page]]
[[File:Intersection (5919349009).jpg|thumb|The most fabulous city in the world. ~ Ji-woo Park]]
[[File:LOC Lower Manhattan New York City World Trade Center August 2001.jpg|thumb|One thing l love about New York City is its diversity. There are different people from all over the globe sharing their culture and building their communities. For example, New York’s Chinatown is the largest Chinese community in the western hemisphere. ~ Ji-woo Park]]
[[File:Wtc-2004-memorial.jpg|thumb|I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win! ~ [[Vladimir Putin|Vladimir V. Putin]]]]
* It came to be the symbol of the city — not just the American city, but the city itself — with skyscrapers in the early [[20th century]]. It remains the most important American city despite the rise of [[Chicago]] at one point, and [[Los Angeles]] and [[D.C.]] At least for [[economics]] and for [[culture]], New York is still the capital and has been, really from the 1830s onward.
** Max Page in [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/big-apple-apocalypse-200-years-of-destroying-new-york-city-27860853/#BB7lkO5ypZQombHS.99 &quot;Big Apple Apocalypse: 200 Years of Destroying New York City&quot;], by Matt Novak, ''Smithsonian'', (September 6, 2012).

* The best thing for New York might be the sight of [[King Kong]] tramping through the streets of Manhattan on his way to a fateful appointment at the top of the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]],” Mr. Page wrote. “For if there is one thing that symbolizes New York’s pre-eminence, it is that so many still want to imagine the city’s end.
** Max Page as quoted in [https://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/26/the-irresistible-urge-to-destroy-new-york-on-screen/ “The Irresistible Urge to Destroy New York on Screen”] by Sewell Chan, ''New York Times'', (December 26, 2007).

* One thing I love about New York City is its diversity. There are different people from all over the globe sharing their culture and building their communities. For example, New York's Chinatown is the largest Chinese community in the western hemisphere.
** Ji-woo Park, [http://www.nknews.org/2013/05/from-racial-bias-to-loving-harlema-north-korean-in-new-york/ &quot;A North Korean in New York&quot;] (23 May 2010), ''NK News''

* One of the things I find most surprising is that people in New York eat while they walk.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213744/https://www.nknews.org/2013/04/nyc-street-food-vs-north-korean-market-food/ &quot;NYC Street Food VS North Korean Market Food&quot;] (24 April 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* [T]he most fabulous city in the world.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213921/https://www.nknews.org/2013/06/a-north-korean-goes-to-disneyland/ &quot;A North Korean goes to Disneyland&quot;] (7 June 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* In New York City, I am not afraid of the summer heat at all because of the air conditioners.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160325213732/https://www.nknews.org/2013/06/north-korean-tips-on-how-to-survive-new-york-city-summers-2/ &quot;North Korean tips on how to survive New York City summers&quot;] (21 June 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* I really wanted to stay in New York City longer. I have been missing my life in New York City. One thing that I missed about it is the food. I really enjoyed Mexican and Indian food in New York City. I went to Chipotle at least twice a week when I was there. Brown rice with chicken was my favorite. If dark green guacamole was on top of the rice it could not have been better. There was an Indian restaurant near my school so I went there many times. When it served lunch (from 12-3 p.m.), the price per person was only $12, including tips and taxes. It was the cheapest Indian restaurant I had ever been to. The good news was that its food was as good as its prices. I feel so depressed when I think of and talk about the food I had in New York City. I will not be able to try them again until I go back to the States... One thing I have discovered is life in Seoul is much more difficult and stressful than in New York City. [[South Korea]] is a small country, but it is incredibly strong. The secret is competition. Everybody competes with each other in order to attain their goals. They work so hard that they almost never go home before 10 p.m. during the weekdays. University students, for example, would register for TOEIC or TOEFL classes even before the summer and winter vacations come. The library is full of students now even though it is summer vacation. Every student is studying something. If they did not do anything, they would feel insecure and left behind. Although New York City is viewed as one of the most bustling and busy cities in the world, what I had noticed was that New Yorkers had more room to be relaxed and do whatever they wanted.  It is true that their society is really competitive, but they do not really force themselves to win every time they compete.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160415030440/https://www.nknews.org/2013/08/a-north-korean-in-new-york-city-says-goodbye/ &quot;A North Korean in New York City says goodbye&quot;] (10 August 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. '''I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great [[United States|American nation]] are to win!'''
** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001).

==R==
[[File:WTC Twin Towers Night July 2001.jpg|thumb|I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? ~ [[Ayn Rand]]]]
[[File:Lower Manhattan Skyline March 2001.jpg|thumb|Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window? No, I don't feel how small I am. But, I feel that if a war came to threaten this? I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body. ~ [[Ayn Rand]]]]
* That particular sense of sacred rapture men say they experience in contemplating nature- I've never received it from nature, only from. Buildings, Skyscrapers. I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pest-hole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would like to throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''[[The Fountainhead]]'' (1943).

* They're building armoured skyscrapers in New York, every flat costs 100 billions euros. We're going towards a new middle-age: there'll be fortresses with rich chinese, russians, indians, arabians, americans inside, while the rest of the world will live in a new dark age.
** [[Marco Rizzo]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L7lkF2Jy8A&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=735 Interview], 4 January 2017

* Living in California adds ten years to a man's life. And those extra ten years I'd like to spent in New York.
** [[Harry Ruby]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

* The New York State Department of Health appeared to announce this week that non-white New Yorkers would receive priority over whites in receiving “extremely limited” Covid-19 therapies for people at risk.
** Russia Today, [https://www.rt.com/news/544868-non-whites-covid-priority/ Non-whites to receive priority for limited Covid pill], 31 December 2021

==S==
[[File:NH43901-enhanced.jpg|thumb|Mr. Smith said that at the Empire State Building, airships like the Graf, almost 800 feet long, would “swing in the breeze and the passengers go down a gangplank”; seven minutes later they would be on the street. ~ Alfred E. Smith]]
[[File:StPatCathExt1.jpg|thumb|Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? ~ [[Dinesh D'Souza]]]]
[[File:Manhattan_from_helicopter_edit1.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it. ~ [[Dinesh D'Souza]]]]
* New York is a woman, holding, according to history, a rag called liberty with one hand, and strangling the earth with the other.
** ''Syrian poet Ali Ahmad Said (pseudonym [[Adunis]]) in &quot;The Funeral of New York&quot;''.

* When its 100 degrees in New York, its 78 in Los Angeles. When its 10 degrees in New York, its 78 in Los Angeles. There are two million interesting people in New York. There are 78 in Los Angeles.
** [[Neil Simon]], ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' Feb. 1979.

* In late 1929, Alfred E. Smith, the leader of a group of investors erecting the Empire State Building, announced that they were increasing the height of the building to 1,250 feet from 1,050. Mr. Smith, a past governor of New York, denied that competition with the 1,046-foot-high [[Chrysler Building]] was a factor. “We are measuring its rise by principles of economic investment rather than spectacular standards,” he told The [[The New York Times|New York Times]]. &lt;br&gt; The extra 200 feet, it was announced, was to serve as a mooring mast for dirigibles so that they could dock in Midtown, rather than out in [[w:Lakehurst, New Jersey|Lakehurst, N.J.]], the station used by the German Graf Zeppelin. Mr. Smith said that at the Empire State Building, airships like the Graf, almost 800 feet long, would “swing in the breeze and the passengers go down a gang-plank”; seven minutes later they would be on the street. 
** [[w:Alfred E. Smith|Alfred E. Smith]] as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/26/realestate/26scapes.html “Not Just a Perch for King Kong”], by Christopher Gray, ''New York Times'', (Sept. 23, 2010)

* Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which [[Serbs]] and [[w:Croatians|Croatians]], [[Sikhism|Sikhs]] and [[Hindu|Hindus]], [[Ireland|Irish]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]] and Irish [[Protestantism|Protestants]], [[Judaism|Jews]] and [[Palestine|Palestinians]], all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world?
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151010163703/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php#photo-2709803 &quot;10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American&quot;] (29 June 2003), ''SFGate''.

* The [[w:Native Americans in the United States|American Indians]] sold Manhattan to the [[Dutch people|Dutch]] for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism'], ''The Daily Caller'' (18 June 2014).

* New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, 'Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!' And they all open with a joke about, 'Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!' And you go, 'Well, why do you fucking live here?' Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable.
** [[Doug Stanhope]], ''No Refunds''.

* Sometimes I get bored riding down the beautiful streets of L.A. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to go to New York and see people suffer.
** [[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]], reported in Rand Lindsly's Quotations.

==T==
[[File:Empire State Building Night.jpg|thumb|City of prose and fantasy, of capitalist automatism, its streets a triumph of cubism [...] more than any other city, it is the fullest expression of our modern age. ~ [[Leon Trotsky]] ]]
* '''City of prose and fantasy, of capitalist automatism, its streets a triumph of cubism, its moral philosophy that of the dollar.''' New York impressed me tremendously because, '''more than any other city, it is the fullest expression of our modern age.'''
**[[Leon Trotsky]], ''My Life'', 1930. {{Cite book|title=A Treasury of Jewish Quotations|editor=Baron, Joseph L.|date=1956|publisher=Crown Publishers, Inc.|location=New York|page=332}} 

==U==
[[File:Wade - Downtown Manhattan Skyline.jpg|thumb|The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. ~ John Updike]]
* The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
** [[John Updike]], ''The New Yorker'' (March 29, 1976)

==W==
[[File:September 11 Tribute in Light at Dusk.jpg|thumb|The city, for the first time in its long history, is destructible. A single flight of planes no bigger than a wedge of geese can quickly end this island fantasy, burn the towers, crumble the bridges, turn the underground passages into lethal chambers, cremate the millions. ~ [[E.B. White]] ]]
[[File:1 times square night 2013.jpg|thumb|No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky. ~ [[E.B. White]] ]]
[[File:Twin Towers from Empire State Building.jpg|thumb|New York blazes like a magnificent jewel in its fit setting of sea, and earth, and stars. ~ [[Thomas Wolfe]]]]
[[File:New_York_City_at_night_HDR.jpg|thumb|Surely no streets have been portrayed on the pages of comics as often as Manhattan’s, most famously as Metropolis by day and Gotham by night. Not to be outdone, [[Spider-Man]] once even said “I am New York.” [[Batman]], the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Ninja Turtles]], the [[Fantastic Four]], [[Superman]] and a host of other do-gooders in stretch pants may have thoughts on that. ~ Pascal Wyse]]
* '''The subtlest change in New York is something people don't speak much about but that is in everyone's mind. The city, for the first time in its long history, is destructible. A single flight of planes no bigger than a wedge of geese can quickly end this island fantasy, burn the towers, crumble the bridges, turn the underground passages into lethal chambers, cremate the millions. The intimation of mortality is part of New York now: in the sounds of jets overhead, in the black headlines of the latest edition.'''&lt;br&gt;All dwellers in cities must dwell with the stubborn fact of annihilation; in New York the fact is somewhat more concentrated because of the concentration of the city itself and because, of all targets, New York has a certain clear priority. '''In the mind of whatever perverted dreamer who might loose the lightning, New York must hold a steady, irresistible charm.'''
** [[E.B. White]], &quot;Here Is New York,&quot; ''Holiday'' (1948); reprinted in ''Here is New York'' (1949) 

* '''No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky.'''
** [[E.B. White]], ''Here is New York'' (1949)

* '''Faculty X is simply that latent power in human beings possess ''to reach beyond the present''.''' After all, we know perfectly well that the past is as real as the present, and that New York and Singapore and Lhasa and Stepney Green are all as real as the place I happen to be in at the moment. ''Yet my senses do not agree''. They assure me that this place, here and now, is far more real than any other place or any other time. Only in certain moments of great inner intensity do I know this to be a lie. Faculty X is a sense of reality, the reality of other places and other times, and it is the possession of it — fragmentary and uncertain though it is — that distinguishes man from all other animals. 
** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''The Occult: A History '', p. 59 (1971)

* New York blazes like a magnificent jewel in its fit setting of sea, and earth, and stars.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], ''[http://www.nydailyquote.com/ The Web and the Rock]''

* One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], ''Explore'', April 15, 2009 edition

* In New York the opportunities for learning, and acquiring a culture that shall not come out of the ruins, but belong to life, are probably greater than anywhere else in the world.
** [[Thomas Wolfe]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=6G16-JUIP5YC&amp;pg=PA663&amp;dq=%22In+New+York+the+opportunities+for+learning,+and+acquiring+a+culture+that+shall+not+come+out+of+the+ruins,+but+belong+to+life,+are+probably+greater+than+anywhere+else+in+the+world.%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=xO_oU-_ECcfaoATo_ILABg&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22In%20New%20York%20the%20opportunities%20for%20learning%2C%20and%20acquiring%20a%20culture%20that%20shall%20not%20come%20out%20of%20the%20ruins%2C%20but%20belong%20to%20life%2C%20are%20probably%20greater%20than%20anywhere%20else%20in%20the%20world.%22&amp;f=false ''Of Time and the River: A Legend of Man's Hunger in His Youth''] (1935)

* From my room, I could lie across my bed and watch the cars rush along Central Park West. In a hurry to get someplace. Everyone in New York is in a hurry. You see businessmen walking fast, their heads bowed, the cuffs of their pants flapping hard against their ankles. They don't look at anyone. Once I followed this man, walking so close behind him I could have been his daughter—but he never even looked over and noticed me. For two blocks I walked like that beside him. It made me sad for him—that he could walk through this world without looking left or right.
** Jacqueline Woodson, ''[[If You Come Softly]]'' (1998) pp. 15-16

* If you have made it this far into the story, the chances are the city in your mind is New York. Or at least some version of it. Surely no streets have been portrayed on the pages of comics as often as Manhattan’s, most famously as Metropolis by day and Gotham by night. Not to be outdone, [[Spider-Man]] once even said “I am New York.” [[Batman]], the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Ninja Turtles]], the [[Fantastic Four]], [[Superman]] and a host of other do-gooders in stretch pants may have thoughts on that. As might Mitchell Hundred, who, despite possessing superpowers unsuited to desk work, hangs up his cape and becomes mayor of the city in ''[[Ex Machina (comics)|Ex Machina]]''. “Stopping bullets ain’t in your job description anymore, boss,” says his aide when the guns come out. &lt;br&gt; There may not be a birth certificate for comics (especially if you embrace the broader definition of “sequential art”), but the strip was certainly raised in New York, and well fed by the competition between [[newspapers]] and their publishers in the early 1900s. Well nourished, too, by the meat and drink of urban life.
** Pascal Wyse, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2014/sep/09/gotham-new-york-what-do-comics-tell-us-about-cities &quot;Gotham State of mind: What do comics tell us about cities?&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (9 Sep 2014). 

* No one’s dreams were more coloured by the city than [[w:Winsor McCay|Winsor McCay]]’s ''[[w:Little Nemo in Slumberland|Little Nemo in Slumberland]]'', one of the earliest US strips, which ran in the New York Herald from 1905-1911. As he falls into a fantastic sleep, Nemo’s cot grows legs like a giraffe and he strides, almost Godzilla-like, through fantastic, sky-scraping scenery inspired by McCay’s memories of city expos and theme-park rollercoasters – a kind of fantasy architecture. It’s the architecture of the page, though, that McCay was most radical with. Nemo didn’t just reach across the page, but down it, in dizzying vertical panels that knocked out the supporting walls of the old calendar-like “waffle” of the comic.
** Pascal Wyse, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2014/sep/09/gotham-new-york-what-do-comics-tell-us-about-cities &quot;Gotham State of mind: What do comics tell us about cities?&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (9 Sep 2014).  

==Y==
[[File:UN HQ 157652121 5b5979da9e2.jpg|thumb|New York is symbolic for the pride of mankind. ~ Cevat Yerli]]
* New York is symbolic for the pride of mankind.
** Cevat Yerli, CEO and President and Crytek, on why [[Crysis]] 2 was set in New York City. [http://arstechnica.com/gaming/news/2010/04/first-look-crysis-2-comes-to-consoles-destroys-nyc.ars].

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922) ===
&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 552-53.&lt;/small&gt;

* Stream of the living world&lt;br&gt;Where dash the billows of strife!—&lt;br&gt;One plunge in the mighty torrent&lt;br&gt;Is a year of tamer life!&lt;br&gt;City of glorious days,&lt;br&gt;Of hope, and labour and mirth,&lt;br&gt;With room and to spare, on thy splendid bays&lt;br&gt;For the ships of all the earth!
** [[Richard Watson Gilder]], ''The City''.

* Silent, grim, colossal, the Big City has ever stood against its revilers. They call it hard as iron; they say that nothing of pity beats in its bosom; they compare its streets with lonely forests and deserts of lava. But beneath the hard crust of the lobster is found a delectable and luscious food. Perhaps a different simile would have been wiser. Still nobody should take offence. We would call nobody a lobster with good and sufficient claws.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Between Rounds. In Four Million''.

* New York is the Caoutchouc City. * * * They have the furor rubberendi.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Comedy in Rubber. In The Voice of the City''.

* In dress, habits, manners, provincialism, routine and narrowness, he acquired that charming insolence, that irritating completeness, that sophisticated crassness, that overbalanced poise that makes the Manhattan gentleman so delightfully small in his greatness.
** [[O. Henry]], ''Defeat of the City. In The Voice of the City''.

* Far below and around lay the city like a ragged purple dream. The irregular houses were like the broken exteriors of cliffs lining deep gulches and winding streams. Some were mountainous; some lay in long, monotonous rows like, the basalt precipices hanging over desert cañons. Such was the background of the wonderful, cruel, enchanting, bewildering, fatal, great city. But into this background were cut myriads of brilliant parallelograms and circles and squares through which glowed many colored lights. And out of the violet and purple depths ascended like the city's soul, sounds and odors and thrills that make up the civic body. There arose the breath of gaiety unrestrained, of love, of hate, of all the passions that man can know. There below him lay all things, good or bad, that can be brought from the four corners of the earth to instruct, please, thrill, enrich, elevate, cast down, nurture or kill. Thus the flavor of it came up to him and went into his blood.
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Duel. In Strictly Business''.

* Well, little old Noisyville-on-the-Subway is good enough for me * * * Me for it from the rathskellers up. Sixth Avenue is the West now to me.
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Duel. In Strictly Business''.

*&quot;If you don't mind me asking,&quot; came the bell-like tones of the Golden Diana, &quot;I'd like to know where you got that City Hall brogue. I did not know that Liberty was necessarily Irish.&quot; &quot;If ye'd studied the history of art in its foreign complications, ye'd not need to ask,&quot; replied Mrs. Liberty, &quot;If ye wasn't so light and giddy ye'd know that I was made by a Dago and presented to the American people on behalf of the French Government for the purpose of welcomin' Irish immigrants into the Dutch city of New York. 'Tis that I've been doing night and day since I was erected.&quot;
** [[O. Henry]], ''The Lady Higher Up. In Sixes and Sevens''.

* GEORGE WASHINGTON, with his right arm upraised, sits his iron horse at the lower corner of Union Square * * * Should the General raise his left hand as he has raised his right, it would point to a quarter of the city that forms a haven for the oppressed and suppressed of foreign lands. In the cause of national or personal freedom they have found refuge here, and the patriot who made it for them sits his steed, overlooking their district, while he listens through his left ear to vaudeville that caricatures the posterity of his protégés.
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Philistine in Bohemia. In Voice of the City''.

* If there ever was an aviary overstocked with jays it is that Yaptown-on-the-Hudson, called New York. Cosmopolitan they call it, you bet. So's a piece of fly-paper. You listen close when they're buzzing and trying to pull their feet out of the sticky stuff. &quot;Little old New York's good enough for us&quot;—that's what they sing.
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Tempered Wind. In The Gentle Grafter''.

* You'd think New York people was all wise; but no, they can't get a chance to learn. Every thing's too compressed. Even the hayseeds are bailed hayseeds. But what else can you expect from a town that's shut off from the world by the ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other?
** [[O. Henry]], ''A Tempered Wind. In The Gentle Grafter''.

* Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,&lt;br&gt;With conquering limbs astride from land to land;&lt;br&gt;Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand&lt;br&gt;A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame&lt;br&gt;Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name&lt;br&gt;Mother of exiles.
** [[Emma Lazarus]], ''The New Colossus''.

* Some day this old Broadway shall climb to the skies,&lt;br&gt;As a ribbon of cloud on a soul-wind shall rise,&lt;br&gt;And we shall be lifted, rejoicing by night,&lt;br&gt;Till we join with the planets who choir their delight.&lt;br&gt;The signs in the streets and the signs in the skies&lt;br&gt;Shall make a new Zodiac, guiding the wise,&lt;br&gt;And Broadway make one with that marvelous stair&lt;br&gt;That is climbed by the rainbow-clad spirits of prayer.
** [[Vachel Lindsay]], ''Rhyme about an Electrical Advertising Sign''.

* For reasons becoming clear to me, New York City you are dead to me. Well, you can turn back time but I'm never coming back.
** [[w:Momus|Momus]], [http://imomus.com/pillycock.html &quot;Eurotrash&quot;] (2018), ''Pillycock''

* Up in the heights of the evening skies I see my City of Cities float&lt;br&gt;In sunset's golden and crimson dyes: I look and a great joy clutches my throat!&lt;br&gt;Plateau of roofs by canyons crossed: windows by thousands fire-furled—&lt;br&gt;O gazing, how the heart is lost in the Deepest City in the World.
** [[James Oppenheim]], ''New York from a Skyscraper''.

* Just where the Treasury's marble front&lt;br&gt;* Looks over Wall Street's mingled nations,—&lt;br&gt;Where Jews and Gentiles most are wont&lt;br&gt;* To throng for trade and last, quotations;&lt;br&gt;Where, hour, by hour, the rates of gold&lt;br&gt;* Outrival, in the ears of people,&lt;br&gt;The quarter-chimes, serenely tolled&lt;br&gt;From Trinity's undaunted steeple.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Pan in Wall Street''.

* Lo! body and soul!—this land!&lt;br&gt;Mighty Manhattan, with spires, and&lt;br&gt;The sparkling and hurrying tides, and the ships;&lt;br&gt;The varied and ample land,—the South&lt;br&gt;And the North in the light—Ohio's shores, and flashing Missouri,&lt;br&gt;And ever the far-spreading prairies, covered with grass and corn.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Sequel to Drum-Taps. When Lilacs Last in the Door-Yard Bloom'd'', Stanza 12.

=== Songs ===
[[File:Top of Rock Cropped.jpg|thumb|In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh. There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
[[File:New York year 2000 01.JPG|thumb|Big pimping, up in NYC. ~ [[Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]]]]
[[File:Manhattan 1931.jpg|thumb|It's a city where a man can fulfill his dreams... Let me never leave it. New York's my home, sweet home. ~ [[w:Sammy Davis, Jr.|Sammy Davis]] ]]
[[File:Rucker Park (WTM wikiWhat 023).jpg|thumb|Whether she is clean or dirty she's the greatest town that you'll ever find, yeah! ~ [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]] ]]
[[File:Sunrise over Central Park.jpg |thumb|In this cold and heartless city  &lt;br /&gt; Isn't the village a pretty place  &lt;br /&gt; Aglow in the [[morning]] [[sun]]? ~ [[What's So Bad About Feeling Good?]] ]]
* But we're hunters; we take pride in airing our prey out. Leaving them laid out, dead, in just a sport. Because we aren't playing up here in New York.
** [[w:Ja Rule|Jeffrey Atkins]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/Ja-rule-new-york-lyrics New York]&quot; (2004), ''[[w:R.U.L.E.|R.U.L.E.]]''

* Big pimping, up in NYC.
** [[Jay-Z|Shawn C. Carter]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jayz/bigpimpinextended.html &quot;Big Pimpin'&quot;] (2000).

* '''In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh&lt;br&gt;There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York&lt;br&gt;These streets will make you feel brand new&lt;br&gt;Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York&lt;br&gt;New York, New York.'''
** [[Jay-Z|Shawn C. Carter]], &quot;[[https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/jay-z/empire-state-of-mind.html Empire State Of Mind]]&quot; (2009), ''[[w:The Blueprint 3|The Blueprint 3]]''.

* 'Cause everyone's my friend in New York City&lt;br&gt;And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty&lt;br&gt;The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see&lt;br&gt;But the best thing about New York City is you and me.
** [[w:cub (band)|cub]], ''New York City''.

* '''Cause when you leave New York &lt;br&gt; Man, you don't go anywhere'''&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt; '''It's a city where a man &lt;br&gt; Can fulfill his dreams''' &lt;br&gt; The only town that's left &lt;br&gt; That's got three baseball teams &lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt; ('''That's why New York's his home) &lt;br&gt; Let me never leave it &lt;br&gt; New York's my home, sweet home'''
** [[w:Sammy Davis, Jr.|Sammy Davis]], ''New York's My Home'' (1956).

* I had seven faces&lt;br&gt;thought I knew which one to wear&lt;br&gt;But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights&lt;br&gt;training myself not to care&lt;br&gt;the subway, she is a porno&lt;br&gt;and the pavements they are a mess&lt;br&gt;I know you've supported me for a long time&lt;br&gt;somehow I'm not impressed &lt;br&gt;New York Cares (got to be some more change in my life)
** [[Interpol]], ''NYC''.

* New York City, you are now riding with 50 Cent! You've got to love it!
** [[50 Cent|Curtis James Jackson III]], &quot;21 Questions&quot; (2003).

* I run New York. [[w:Tony Yayo|Yayo]] tell them, I run New York.
** [[50 Cent|Curtis James Jackson III]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/50-cent-i-run-new-york-lyrics I Run New York]&quot;, ''[http://www.datpiff.com/DJ_Nobody_50_Cent_Vs_The_World.m41539.html 50 Cent vs. The World]''.

* Brownsville, Flatbush, Crown Heights, Brooklyn Zoo... Welcome to the jungle. New York, New York. Gangsters use sign language, and let their guns talk.
** [[50 Cent|Curtis J. Jackson]], [http://genius.com/401133 &quot;Gunz Come Out&quot;] (2005), ''The Massacre''.

* Me, I'm takin' a Greyhound&lt;br&gt;On the Hudson River line&lt;br&gt;I'm in a New York State of Mind
** [[Billy Joel]], ''New York State of Mind''.

* You're fucking with a dirty New Yorker. [[w:Queens|Queens]] in this bitch, fall back or get roped up.
** [[w:Proidgy (rapper)|Albert Johnson]], &quot;[http://rapgenius.com/Mobb-deep-dirty-new-yorker-lyrics Dirty New Yorker]&quot; (2008), ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]''.

* '''One hand in the air for the big city &lt;br/&gt; Street lights, big dreams, all lookin' pretty &lt;br/&gt; No place in the world that could compare &lt;br/&gt; Put your lighters in the air &lt;br/&gt; Everybody say &quot;yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah&quot;'''
** [[Alicia Keys|Alicia Augello Cook]], &quot;[[w:Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down|Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down]]&quot; (2009), ''[[w:The Element of Freedom|The Element of Freedom]]''.

* '''She is a rock &lt;br/&gt; As we pull but she is steady &lt;br/&gt; And no one can take her freedom away, yeah &lt;br/&gt; (Can't take her freedom) &lt;br/&gt; I love her style &lt;br/&gt; Whether she is clean or dirty &lt;br/&gt; She's the greatest town that you'll ever find, yeah!'''
** [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], New York City (2014), from the on September 23, 2014 released album [[w:Strut (album)|Strut]]

* She is my heart &lt;br/&gt; '''I love New York City &lt;br/&gt; She's lived and died &lt;br/&gt; So many times, yeah! &lt;br/&gt; Life is always tough &lt;br/&gt; On New York City, oh lord &lt;br/&gt; But she is fine, she always survives, yeah!'''
** [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], New York City (2014), from the on September 23, 2014 released album [[w:Strut (album)|Strut]]

* New York, I love you. But, you're bringing me down. Like a rat in a cage, pulling minimum wage.
** [[w:LCD Soundsystem|LCD Soundsystem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eohHwsplvY &quot;New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down&quot;], ''[[w:Sound of Silver|Sound of Silver]]'' (2007).

* New York, New York, a helluva town. The Bronx is up but the {{W|Battery Park|Battery}}'s down.
** {{W|On the Town (musical)|On the Town}} (1944)

* It's easier to leave than to be left behind&lt;br&gt;Leaving was never my proud&lt;br&gt;Leaving New York, never easy&lt;br&gt;I saw the light fading out&lt;br&gt;You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart&lt;br&gt;You find it in your heart, change...
** [[R.E.M.]], ''Leaving New York''.

* If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere! It's up to you, New York!
** Frank Sinatra, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KJQNMqVIug &quot;Theme From ''New York, New York''&quot;].

* Why do we still live here&lt;br&gt;In this repulsive town?&lt;br&gt;All our friends are in New York
** [[The Magnetic Fields]], ''100,000 Fireflies.

* In New York freedom looks like too many choices&lt;br&gt;In New York I found a friend to drown out the other voices&lt;br&gt;Voices on the cell phone&lt;br&gt;Voices from home&lt;br&gt;Voices of the hard sell&lt;br&gt;Voices down the stairwell&lt;br&gt;In New York, just got a place in New York
** [[U2]], ''New York''.

*: '''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': &lt;br /&gt;'' '''In this cold and heartless city &lt;br /&gt; Isn't the village a pretty place &lt;br /&gt; Aglow in the [[morning]] [[sun]]?''' ''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Can't [[imagine]] why it should be, &lt;br /&gt; But something's happened to me &lt;br /&gt; I feel like [[smiling]] at ''everyone''. ''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Though the [[world]] may not be [[perfect]] yet, &lt;br /&gt; Still the only way we're gonna get any better is if we ''try''. &lt;br /&gt; Look at the [[fun]] we've been missing &lt;br /&gt; Things like huggin' and kissin' &lt;br /&gt; So let's enjoy it the way we should. &lt;br /&gt; Tell me what's so bad, &lt;br /&gt; Tell me what's so bad &lt;br /&gt; About feeling good?''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Always thought that life was just a drag &lt;br /&gt; [[Now]] this daisy's got a brand new bag &lt;br /&gt; Hey world take a good look at me.'' &lt;p&gt; ''Though I'm flying high as a kite, &lt;br /&gt; What turns me on is the sight of life, &lt;br /&gt; The grooviest trip of all &lt;br /&gt; Best kick I've ever had, &lt;br /&gt; So tell me what's so bad about feeling good?''&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;!-- :'''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': Man I had the craziest dream &lt;br /&gt; I danced with Mr. Clean and gave the White Knight a helping hand &lt;br /&gt; Best day we've ever had, so tell us what's so bad about feeling good? --&gt;
*:'''Village neighbors''' ''[Singing theme song]'': ''So don't forget to carry a smile &lt;br /&gt; And maybe after a while it will all turn out the way it should &lt;br /&gt; So tell me what's so bad about feeling good?''
** ''[[What's So Bad About Feeling Good?]] (1968), theme song sung by the Village neighbors in the film.

== Dialogue ==
*'''Mitchell Hundred''': '''Kremlin'''? Jesus, you can't just break into '''{{w|Gracie Mansion}}''', you nutjob!
:'''Kremlin''': Yes, when I come here from Russia as child, this whole place was filled with nothing but filthy '''restrooms''' for the park-goers.
:'''Mitchell Hundred''': Funny, somebody just told me my office downtown was once a '''jail'''. Everything good in New York used to be something awful, I guess.
:'''Kremlin''': And everything awful used to be something good.
:*''[[w:Ex Machina (comics)|Ex Machina (comics)]]'', [[w:Brian K. Vaughan|Brian K. Vaughan]] and [[w:Tony Harris (comics)|Tony Harris]], &quot;State of Emergency Part 3&quot;

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wikivoyage}}
* [https://newyorkerlife.com/ New Yorker Life]
* [https://www.nyc.gov/ The Official Website of the City of New York]


[[Category:New York City| ]]
[[Category:Cities in the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Day</title>
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      <text bytes="17831" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Yellow sunrise.JPG|thumb|Think that day lost whose (low) descending sun&lt;br&gt;Views from thy hand no noble action done. ~  [[w:Jacob Bobart the Younger|Jacob Bobart]] ]]
A '''[[w:Day|day]]''', commonly understood as a ''solar day'', is the time it takes for the Earth to make one rotation with respect to the Sun, measured from local noon to the following local noon. The word day may also refer to a day of the week or to a calendar date, as in answer to the question &quot;On which day?&quot; Day also refers to the part of the day that is not [[night]] — also known as 'daytime'. The life patterns of many species are co-ordinated with Earth's solar day and the cycle of day and night.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Pierre-Auguste Renoir - Luncheon of the Boating Party - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The days are ever divine as to the first Aryans. They are of the least pretension, and of the greatest capacity of anything that exists. They come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party; but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]] ]]
[[File:Broadway tower edit.jpg|thumb|right|He will through life be master of himself and a happy man who from day to day can have said,&lt;br&gt; &quot;I have lived: tomorrow the Father may fill the sky with black clouds or with cloudless sunshine.&quot; ~  [[Horace]]]]
[[file:Water,Rabbit,Deer.jpg|thumb|right| For Yesterday is but a Dream,&lt;br&gt;And Tomorrow is only a Vision;&lt;br&gt;But Today well lived&lt;br&gt;Makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,&lt;br&gt;And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.&lt;br&gt;Look well therefore to this Day!&lt;br&gt; Such is the Salutation of the Dawn. ~  ''Salutation of the Dawn'', [[Sanskrit]] ]]

* [T]he great [[w:Queen of heaven (antiquity)|lady of heaven]] delivered those words to [[Anu|An]]. Having heard those words, An slapped his thighs in [annoyance], his voice filled with sighs of grief: &quot;What has my child done? She has become greater than me! What has [[Inana]] done? She has become greater than me! From now on, the normal length of daylight becomes shorter, and daylight converts to night-time. From today, when the day's watch is three units long, daylight is equal to night-time.&quot; And now, when day began, it was indeed so.
** After the [[E-ana]] was captured by [[Inanna]], in ''[http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/cgi-bin/etcsl.cgi?text=t.1.3.5 Inanna and An]'' by [[Anonymous]], {{w|Old Babylonian period}}, at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}

* The long days are no happier than the short ones.
&lt;!-- What does this saying mean?--&gt;
** [[Philip James Bailey]], ''Festus'' (1813), scene A Village Feast. Evening

*DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)

* ''Virtus sui gloria.''&lt;br&gt;'''Think that day lost whose (low) descending sun&lt;br&gt;Views from thy hand no noble action done.'''
** [[w:Jacob Bobart the Younger|Jacob Bobart]], in David Krieg's Album in British Museum (December 8, 1697); see also Staniford, ''Art of Reading'', 3d Ed, p. 27. [1803].

*Are the best days just the ones that we survive?
**[[Alessia Cara]], &quot;Best Days&quot;, ''In the Meantime'' (2021), New York: Def Jam Recordings, as quoted in [https://www.udiscovermusic.com/news/alessia-cara-in-the-meantime-album-release/ &quot;Alessia Cara’s ‘In the Meantime’ Is an Incredible Ode to Introspection&quot;] (24 September 2021), by Larisha Paul, ''uDiscover Music''

* Is not every meanest day the confluence of two eternities?
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''The French Revolution, A History'' (1837), Part I, Book VI, Chapter V

* All comes out even at the end of the day.
&lt;!-- What does this quote mean?--&gt;
** Quoted by [[Winston Churchill]], speech at the Highbury Athenæum (Nov. 23, 1910).

* [[Anu|An]] lifted his [[head]] in [[pride]] and brought forth a [[good]] day.
** ''[[Debate between Winter and Summer]]'' (mid to late {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}).

* After the day there cometh the derke night;&lt;br&gt;For though the day be never so longe,&lt;br&gt;At last the belles ringeth to evensonge.
** [[Stephen Hawes]], ''Pastime of Pleasure'' (1517). As given in Percy Society Ed, Chapter XLII, p. 207. Also in the Maskell books. British Museum (1578). An old hymn found among the marginal rhymes of a Book of Prayers of Queen Elizabeth, to accompany illuminations of The Triumph of Death. Hawes probably used the idea found in an old Latin hymn.

* Quantumvis cursum longum fessumque moratur&lt;br&gt;Sol, sacro tandem carmine Vesper adest.
** English of these lines quoted at the stake by George Tankerfield (1555). Same in Heywood, ''Dialogue Concerning English Proverbs. See also Foxe, ''Acts and Monuments'', Volume VII, p. 346. Ed. 1828.

* Sweet day, so cool, so calm, so bright,&lt;br&gt;  The bridal of the earth and sky,&lt;br&gt;The dew shall weep thy fall to-night;&lt;br&gt;  For thou must die.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Temple'' (1633), ''Virtue''.

* I think the better day the better deed.
** Meaning: &quot;An action is of greater value because it is performed on a holy day.&quot;
** Source for meaning: {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&amp;pg=PA25|accessdate=3 August 2013|year=2007|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=25}}
** [[John Holt (Lord Chief Justice)|John Holt]], ''Sir William Moore's Case'' (1703), 2 Raym. 1028; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 70. Ascribed to Walker in ''Woods Dictionary of Quotations''; used by [[Thomas Middleton]] in ''The Phœnix'' (1603-04), Act III, scene 1.

* ''Ille potens sui&lt;br&gt;laetusque deget, cui licet in diem&lt;br&gt;dixisse &quot;vixi: cras vel atra&lt;br&gt;nube polum pater occupato&lt;br&gt;vel sole puro.&quot;''
** He will through life be master of himself and a happy man who from day to day can have said, &quot;I have lived: tomorrow the Father may fill the sky with black clouds or with cloudless sunshine.&quot;
** [[Horace]], '[[w:Carminum liber primus|Odes]]''  Book III, ode xxix, line 41. (c. 23 BC and 13 BC).

* Each day is a gift and not a given right.
** {{w|Chad Kroeger}}, the Nickelback song &quot;If today was your last day&quot; (2008).

* If today was your last day&lt;br&gt; And tomorrow was too late&lt;br&gt; Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
** {{w|Chad Kroeger}}, the Nickelback song &quot;If today was your last day&quot; (2008).

* Hide me from day's garish eye.
** [[John Milton]], ''Il Penseroso'' (1631), line 141.

* '''There are two most powerful days in your life: the day you're born, and the day you discover why.'''
** [[Boniface Mwangi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/boniface_mwangi_boniface_mwangi_the_day_i_stood_up_alone The day I stood up alone]'', at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2014.

* ''Jusqu'au cercuil (mon fils) vueilles apprendre,&lt;br&gt;Et tien perdu le jour qui s'est passe,&lt;br&gt;Si tu n'y as quelque chose ammasse,&lt;br&gt;Pour plus scavant et plus sage te rendre.''
** Cease not to learn until thou cease to live;&lt;br&gt;  Think that day lost wherein thou draw'st no letter,&lt;br&gt;  To make thyself learneder, wiser, better.
** [[Guy de Faur Pibrac]], ''Collections of Quatrains'', No. 31. Translation by Joshua Sylvester (c. 1608); reprinted by M. A. Lemerre (1874).

* O, such a day,&lt;br&gt;So fought, so follow'd and so fairly won.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 2|''Henry IV'', Part II]] (c. 1597-99), Act I, scene 1, line 20.

* What hath this day deserv'd? what hath it done,&lt;br&gt;That it in golden letters should be set&lt;br&gt;Among the high tides in the calendar?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act III, scene 1, line 84.

* The sun is in the heaven, and the proud day,&lt;br&gt;Attended with the pleasures of the world,&lt;br&gt;Is all too wanton.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act III, scene 3, line 34.

* My god, the day shines bright over the Land, but for me the day is black.
** Earlier [[w:Sumerian literature|Sumerian work]], ''[http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section5/tr524.htm A Man and His God]'', a penitential prayer of the {{w|UR III}} period.

* A life that leads melodious days.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXIII, Stanza 2.

* ''Expectada dies aderat.''
** The longed for day is at hand.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (29-19 BC), V. 104.

* On all important time, thro' ev'ry age,&lt;br&gt;Tho' much, and warm, the wise have urged; the man&lt;br&gt;Is yet unborn, who duly weighs an hour,&lt;br&gt;&quot;I've lost a day&quot;—the prince who nobly cried&lt;br&gt;Had been an emperor without his crown;&lt;br&gt;Of Rome? say rather, lord of human race.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 97.

* The spirit walks of every day deceased.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 180.

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 161-63.&lt;/small&gt;

* Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!&lt;br&gt;Look to this Day! For it is Life,&lt;br&gt;The very Life of Life.&lt;br&gt;In its brief course lie all the Varieties&lt;br&gt;And Realities of your Existence;&lt;br&gt;The Bliss of Growth,&lt;br&gt;The Glory of Action,&lt;br&gt;The Splendor of Beauty;&lt;br&gt;'''For Yesterday is but a Dream,&lt;br&gt;And Tomorrow is only a Vision;&lt;br&gt;But Today well lived&lt;br&gt;Makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,&lt;br&gt;And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.&lt;br&gt;Look well therefore to this Day!&lt;br&gt;'''Such is the Salutation of the Dawn.
** ''Salutation of the Dawn''; from the [[Sanskrit]].

* Day is a snow-white Dove of heaven&lt;br&gt;  That from the East glad message brings.&lt;br&gt;Night is a stealthy, evil Raven,&lt;br&gt; Wrapped to the eyes in his black wings.
** [[Thomas Bailey Aldrich]], ''Day and Night''.

* From fibers of pain and hope and trouble&lt;br&gt; And toil and happiness,—one by one,—&lt;br&gt;Twisted together, or single or double,&lt;br&gt; The varying thread of our life is spun.&lt;br&gt; Hope shall cheer though the chain be galling;&lt;br&gt; Light shall come though the gloom be falling;&lt;br&gt; Faith will list for the Master calling&lt;br&gt; Our hearts to his rest,—when the day is done.
** [[A. B. Bragdon]], ''When the Day is done''.

* Yet, behind the night,&lt;br&gt;Waits for the great unborn, somewhere afar,&lt;br&gt;Some white tremendous daybreak.
** [[Rupert Brooke]], ''Second Best''.

* Day!&lt;br&gt;Faster and more fast,&lt;br&gt;O'er night's brim, day boils at last;&lt;br&gt;Boils, pure gold, o'er the cloud-cup's brim.
** [[Robert Browning]], ''Introduction to Pippa Passes''.

* '''So here hath been dawning&lt;br&gt; Another blue day;&lt;br&gt;Think, wilt thou let it&lt;br&gt; Slip useless away?&lt;br&gt;'''&lt;br&gt;Out of eternity&lt;br&gt; This new day is born,&lt;br&gt;Into eternity&lt;br&gt; At night will return.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''To-day''.

* ''Dies iræ, dies illa!&lt;br&gt;Solvet sæclum in favilla,&lt;br&gt;Teste David cum Sybilla.''
** Day of wrath that day of burning,&lt;br&gt; Seer and Sibyl speak concerning,&lt;br&gt; All the world to ashes turning.
** Attributed to Thomas Celano. See Daniel, ''Thesaurus Hymnology'', Volume II, p. 103. Printed in Missale Romanum. Pavia. (1491). Translation by Abraham Coles. Nolker, monk of St. Gall (about 880) says he saw the lines in a book belonging to the Convent of St. Jumièges. Assigned to Cardinal Frangipani (&quot;Malabrancia&quot;), died, 1294. Also to St. Gregory, St. Bernard, Cardinal Orsini, Agnostino Biella, Humbertus. See Dublin Review, No. 39.

* Beware of desperate steps. The darkest day,&lt;br&gt;Live till to-morrow, will have pass'd away.
** [[William Cowper]], Needless Alarm, line 132.

* Days, that need borrow&lt;br&gt;No part of their good morrow&lt;br&gt;From a fore-spent night of sorrow.
** [[Richard Crashaw]], ''Wishes to His Supposed Mistress''.

* Daughters of Time, the hypocrite Days,&lt;br&gt;Muffled and dumb like barefoot dervishes,&lt;br&gt;And marching single in an endless file,&lt;br&gt;Bring diadems and fagots in their hands;&lt;br&gt;To each they offer gifts after his will,&lt;br&gt;Bread, kingdom, stars, and sky that holds them all;&lt;br&gt;I, in my pleachéd garden watched the pomp&lt;br&gt;Forgot my morning wishes, hastily&lt;br&gt;Took a few herbs and apples, and the Day&lt;br&gt;Turned and departed silent. I too late&lt;br&gt;Under her solemn fillet saw the scorn.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Days''.

* '''The days are ever divine as to the first Aryans. They are of the least pretension, and of the greatest capacity of anything that exists. They come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party; but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away.'''
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Works and Days''.

* The better day, the worse deed.
&lt;!-- What does this quote mean?--&gt;
** [[Matthew Henry]], ''Commentaries'', Genesis III.

* ''Truditur dies die,&lt;br&gt; Novæque pergunt interire lunæ.''
** Day is pushed out by day, and each new moon hastens to its death.
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', Book II. 18. 15.

* ''Cressa ne careat pulchra dies nota.''
** '''Let not a day so fair be without its white chalk mark.'''
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', Book I. 36. 10.

* ''Inter spem curamque, timores inter et iras,&lt;br&gt;Omnem crede diem tibi diluxisse supremum:&lt;br&gt;Grata superveniet, quæ non sperabitur, hora.''
** In the midst of hope and anxiety, in the midst of fear and anger, believe every day that has dawned to be your last; happiness which comes unexpected will be the more welcome.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 4. 13.

* ''Creta an carbone notandi?''
** To be marked with white chalk or charcoal? (i.e. good or bad).
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', Book II. 3. 246.

* O sweet, delusive Noon,&lt;br&gt; Which the morning climbs to find,&lt;br&gt;O moment sped too soon,&lt;br&gt;  And morning left behind.
** [[Helen Hunt Jackson]], ''Verses'', ''Noon''.

* Well, this is the end of a perfect day,&lt;br&gt; Near the end of a journey, too;&lt;br&gt;But it leaves a thought that is big and strong,&lt;br&gt; With a wish that is kind and true.&lt;br&gt;For mem'ry has painted this perfect day&lt;br&gt; With colors that never fade,&lt;br&gt;And we find at the end of a perfect day,&lt;br&gt; The soul of a friend we've made.
** [[Carrie Jacobs-Bond]], ''A Perfect Day''.

* ''Car il n'est si beau jour qui n'amène sa nuit.''
** For there is no day however beautiful that is not followed by night.
** On the tombstone of Jean d'Orbesan at Padua.

* My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle.
** Job, VII. 6.

* Clearer than the noonday.
** Job, XI. 17.

* Days should speak and multitude of years should teach wisdom.
** Job, XXXII. 7.

* Out of the shadows of night,&lt;br&gt;The world rolls into light;&lt;br&gt; It is daybreak everywhere.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Bells of San Blas''.

* O summer day beside the joyous sea!&lt;br&gt;O summer day so wonderful and white,&lt;br&gt;So full of gladness and so full of pain!&lt;br&gt;Forever and forever shalt thou be&lt;br&gt;To some the gravestone of a dead delight,&lt;br&gt;To some the landmark of a new domain.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Summer Day by the Sea''.

* How troublesome is day!&lt;br&gt;It calls us from our sleep away;&lt;br&gt;It bids us from our pleasant dreams awake,&lt;br&gt;And sends us forth to keep or break&lt;br&gt; Our promises to pay.&lt;br&gt;How troublesome is day!
** [[Thomas Love Peacock]], ''Fly-by-Night'', ''Paper Money'' lyrics.

* ''O diem lætum, notandumque mihi candidissimo calculo.''
** O happy day, and one to be marked for me with the whitest of chalk.
** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Epistles'', VI. 11.

* ''Longissimus dies cito conditur.''
** The longest day soon comes to an end.
** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Epistles'', IX. 36.

* Boast not thyself of to-morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.
** Proverbs, XXVII. 1.

* Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night showeth knowledge.
** Psalms, XIX. 2.

* Sweet Phosphor, bring the day!&lt;br&gt;Light will repay&lt;br&gt;The wrongs of night; sweet Phosphor, bring the day!
** [[Francis Quarles]], ''Emblems'', Book I, Emblem 14, Stanza 5.

* We met, hand to hand,&lt;br&gt;  We clasped hands close and fast,&lt;br&gt;As close as oak and ivy stand;&lt;br&gt;  But it is past:&lt;br&gt;Come day, come night, day comes at last.
** [[Christina G. Rossetti]], ''Twilight'', Night, I, Stanza 1.

* ''Die schönen Tage in Aranjuez&lt;br&gt;Sind nun zu Ende.''
** The lovely days in Aranjuez are now at an end.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Don Carlos''. I. 1. 1.

* Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''Counsels and Maxims'', T. B. Saunders, trans., § 13

* Day is the Child of Time,&lt;br&gt;And Day must cease to be:&lt;br&gt;But Night is without a sire,&lt;br&gt;And cannot expire,&lt;br&gt;One with Eternity.
** [[Richard Henry Stoddard]], ''Day and Night''.

* ''Discipulus est priori posterior dies.''
** '''Each day is the scholar of yesterday.'''
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* But the tender grace of a day that is dead&lt;br&gt;Will never come back to me.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Break, Break, Break''.

* &quot;A day for Gods to stoop,&quot;  *  *  *  ay,&lt;br&gt;And men to soar.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Lover'n Tale'', line 304.

* ''Diem perdidi.''
** I have lost a day.
** [[Titus]]. See [[Suetonius]], ''Titus'', VIII.

* ''Mes jours s'en sont allez errant.''
** My days are gone a-wandering.
** [[François Villon]], ''Grand Testament''.

* One of those heavenly days that cannot die.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Nutting''.

==See also==
* [[Morning]]
* [[Evening]]
* [[Night]]
* [[Time]]

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
*{{Wiktionary-inline|day}}
*{{Commons-inline}}
{{Days of the week}}

[[Category:Days| ]]
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  <page>
    <title>Rain</title>
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      <text bytes="7490" xml:space="preserve">[[File:God answers Job from the Whirlwind 1803-05 (Butlin 461), detail.jpg|thumb|For just as the rain and the snow pour down from heaven And do not return there until they saturate the earth, making it produce and sprout, Giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, So my word that goes out of my mouth will be. It will not return to me without results, But it will certainly accomplish whatever is my delight, And it will have sure success in what I send it to do. ~ Isaiah 55:10-11]]
[[File:Falling rain in mexico.jpg|thumb|Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;&lt;/br&gt;Behind the clouds the sun is shining;&lt;br&gt;Thy fate is the common fate of all,&lt;br&gt;Into each life some rain must fall,&lt;br&gt;Some days must be dark and dreary.&lt;/br&gt;— [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]]]]
'''{{w|Rain}}''' is liquid [[water]] in the form of {{w|droplet}}s that have [[w:condensation|condensed]] from [[w:atmosphere|atmospheric]] {{w|water vapor}} and then [[w:precipitation (meteorology)|becomes heavy enough to fall under gravity]].

==Quotes==
*Sunny days wouldn't be special if it wasn't for rain; joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.
**[[50 Cent]], [https://genius.com/50-cent-many-men-wish-death-lyrics &quot;Many Men&quot;], ''Get Rich or Die Tryin''&amp;zwj;'&amp;zwj; (February 2003), New York City: [[w:Shady Records|Shady Records]]

*Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again; becoming who we are.
**[[w:Billie Joe Armstrong|Billie Joe Armstrong]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulRXvH8VOl8 &quot;Wake Me Up When September Ends&quot;], ''American Idiot'' (2004), California: [[w:Reprise Records|Reprise Records]]

*Hear the sound of the falling rain; coming down like an Armageddon flame.
**[[w:Billie Joe Armstrong|Billie Joe Armstrong]], &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWRugnU5iPQ Holiday]&quot;, ''American Idiot'' (2004), California: [[w:Reprise Records|Reprise Records]]

* A little rain will fill&lt;br&gt;The lily's cup which hardly moists the field.
** [[Edwin Arnold]], ''The Light of Asia'' (1879), Book VI, line 215

*'''[[w:Jack Harkness|Jack Harkness]]''':  There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing ''that'' again. 	
:* [[Russell T. Davies]] [[Torchwood]] ''[[w:Everything Changes (Torchwood)|Everything Changes]]''

*I bring down rains so heavy it hurts the head; no more talking.
**[[DMX (rapper)|DMX]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thIVtEOtlWM &quot;Party Up (Up in Here)&quot;], ''[[w:... And Then There Was X|... And Then There Was X]]'' (21 December 1999), New York: [[w:Ruff Ryders Entertainment|Ruff Ryders Entertainment]]

* Well I've seen them buried in a sheltered place in this town &lt;br&gt; they tell you that this rain can sting, and look down &lt;br&gt; there is no blood around see no sign of pain &lt;br&gt; hay ay ay no pain &lt;br&gt; seeing no red at all, see no rain.
** [[Peter Gabriel]], &quot;[[w:Red Rain (song)|Red Rain]]&quot; (1986)

* For just as the rain and the snow pour down from heaven And do not return there until they saturate the earth, making it produce and sprout, Giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, So my word that goes out of my mouth will be. It will not return to me without results, But it will certainly accomplish whatever is my delight, And it will have sure success in what I send it to do.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/isaiah/55/ Isaiah 55:10-11], [[New World Translation]]

* Have you noticed that the rain stopped the instant I had a roof above me? It will start again now that I'm back out. Gods and dogs alike delight to piss on me.
** George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Jon (III)–Dolorous Edd

* For the rain it raineth every day.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act V, scene 1. Song, line 401.

* The Clouds consign their treasures to the fields;&lt;br&gt;And, softly shaking on the dimpled pool&lt;br&gt;Prelusive drops; let all their moisture flow,&lt;br&gt;In large effusion, o'er the freshen'd world.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', ''Spring'' (1728), line 172.

* For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
** Matthew 5:45

*[S]o much depends on the weather, so is it raining in your bedroom?
**[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5UOC0C0x8Q &quot;Plush&quot;], ''Core'' (1992), Atlantic Recording Corporation

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 655.&lt;/small&gt;

* We knew it would rain, for the poplars showed&lt;br&gt;  The white of their leaves, the amber grain&lt;br&gt;Shrunk in the wind,—and the lightning now&lt;br&gt;  Is tangled in tremulous skeins of rain.
** [[Thomas Bailey Aldrich]], ''Before the Rain''.

* She waits for me; my lady Earth,&lt;br&gt;  Smiles and waits and sighs;&lt;br&gt;I'll say her nay, and hide away,&lt;br&gt;  Then take her by surprise.
** [[Mary Mapes Dodge]], ''How the Rain Comes'', April.

* How it pours, pours, pours,&lt;br&gt;  In a never-ending sheet!&lt;br&gt;How it drives beneath the doors!&lt;br&gt;  How it soaks the passer's feet!&lt;br&gt;How it rattles on the shutter!&lt;br&gt;  How it rumples up the lawn!&lt;br&gt;How 'twill sigh, and moan, and mutter,&lt;br&gt;  From darkness until dawn.
** [[Rossiter Johnson]], ''Rhyme of the Rain''.

* Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;&lt;br&gt;Behind the clouds the sun is shining;&lt;br&gt;Thy fate is the common fate of all,&lt;br&gt;Into each life some rain must fall,&lt;br&gt;Some days must be dark and dreary.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''An April Day''.

* And the hooded clouds, like friars,&lt;br&gt;Tell their beads in drops of rain.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Midnight Mass for the Dying Year'', Stanza 4.

[[File:Wet kookaburra 6674 Crop Edit.jpg|thumb|For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.&lt;/br&gt;— Matthew 5:45]]
* The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;&lt;br&gt;It rains, and the wind is never weary;&lt;br&gt;The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,&lt;br&gt;But at every gust the dead leaves fall,&lt;br&gt;And the day is dark and dreary.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Rainy Day''.

* The ceaseless rain is falling fast,&lt;br&gt;  And yonder gilded vane,&lt;br&gt;Immovable for three days past,&lt;br&gt;  Points to the misty main.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Travels by the Fireside'', Stanza 1.

* It is not raining rain to me,&lt;br&gt;  It's raining daffodils;&lt;br&gt;In every dimpled drop I see&lt;br&gt;  Wild flowers on distant hills.
** [[Robert Loveman]], ''April Rain'', Appeared in Harper's Magazine (May, 1901). Erroneously attributed to Swama Rama, who copied it in the ''Thundering Dawn'', Lahore.

* He shall come down like rain upon the mown grass.
** Psalms. LXXII. 6.

* I bring fresh showers for the thirsting flowers,&lt;br&gt;  From the seas and the streams;&lt;br&gt;I bear light shade for the leaves when laid&lt;br&gt;  In their noonday dreams.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''The Cloud''.

* I know Sir John will go, though he was sure it would rain cats and dogs.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Polite Conversation'', Dialogue II.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|rain}}
{{Commons category}}

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      <text bytes="7707" xml:space="preserve">[[File:God answers Job from the Whirlwind 1803-05 (Butlin 461), detail.jpg|thumb|For just as the rain and the snow pour down from heaven And do not return there until they saturate the earth, making it produce and sprout, Giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, So my word that goes out of my mouth will be. It will not return to me without results, But it will certainly accomplish whatever is my delight, And it will have sure success in what I send it to do. ~ Isaiah 55:10-11]]
[[File:Falling rain in mexico.jpg|thumb|Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;&lt;/br&gt;Behind the clouds the sun is shining;&lt;br&gt;Thy fate is the common fate of all,&lt;br&gt;Into each life some rain must fall,&lt;br&gt;Some days must be dark and dreary.&lt;/br&gt;— [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]]]]
'''{{w|Rain}}''' is liquid [[water]] in the form of {{w|droplet}}s that have [[w:condensation|condensed]] from [[w:atmosphere|atmospheric]] {{w|water vapor}} and then [[w:precipitation (meteorology)|becomes heavy enough to fall under gravity]].

==Quotes==
*Sunny days wouldn't be special if it wasn't for rain; joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.
**[[50 Cent]], [https://genius.com/50-cent-many-men-wish-death-lyrics &quot;Many Men&quot;], ''Get Rich or Die Tryin''&amp;zwj;'&amp;zwj; (February 2003), New York City: [[w:Shady Records|Shady Records]]

*Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again; becoming who we are.
**[[w:Billie Joe Armstrong|Billie Joe Armstrong]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulRXvH8VOl8 &quot;Wake Me Up When September Ends&quot;], ''American Idiot'' (2004), California: [[w:Reprise Records|Reprise Records]]

*[[Anguish]] and [[grief]], like [[darkness]] and rain, may be depicted; but [[gladness]] and [[joy]], like the [[rainbow]], defy the skill of pen or pencil.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], &quot;My Escape from Slavery&quot; (1881)

*Hear the sound of the falling rain; coming down like an Armageddon flame.
**[[w:Billie Joe Armstrong|Billie Joe Armstrong]], &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWRugnU5iPQ Holiday]&quot;, ''American Idiot'' (2004), California: [[w:Reprise Records|Reprise Records]]

* A little rain will fill&lt;br&gt;The lily's cup which hardly moists the field.
** [[Edwin Arnold]], ''The Light of Asia'' (1879), Book VI, line 215

*'''[[w:Jack Harkness|Jack Harkness]]''':  There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing ''that'' again. 	
:* [[Russell T. Davies]] [[Torchwood]] ''[[w:Everything Changes (Torchwood)|Everything Changes]]''

*I bring down rains so heavy it hurts the head; no more talking.
**[[DMX (rapper)|DMX]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thIVtEOtlWM &quot;Party Up (Up in Here)&quot;], ''[[w:... And Then There Was X|... And Then There Was X]]'' (21 December 1999), New York: [[w:Ruff Ryders Entertainment|Ruff Ryders Entertainment]]

* Well I've seen them buried in a sheltered place in this town &lt;br&gt; they tell you that this rain can sting, and look down &lt;br&gt; there is no blood around see no sign of pain &lt;br&gt; hay ay ay no pain &lt;br&gt; seeing no red at all, see no rain.
** [[Peter Gabriel]], &quot;[[w:Red Rain (song)|Red Rain]]&quot; (1986)

* For just as the rain and the snow pour down from heaven And do not return there until they saturate the earth, making it produce and sprout, Giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, So my word that goes out of my mouth will be. It will not return to me without results, But it will certainly accomplish whatever is my delight, And it will have sure success in what I send it to do.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/isaiah/55/ Isaiah 55:10-11], [[New World Translation]]

* Have you noticed that the rain stopped the instant I had a roof above me? It will start again now that I'm back out. Gods and dogs alike delight to piss on me.
** George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Jon (III)–Dolorous Edd

* For the rain it raineth every day.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act V, scene 1. Song, line 401.

* The Clouds consign their treasures to the fields;&lt;br&gt;And, softly shaking on the dimpled pool&lt;br&gt;Prelusive drops; let all their moisture flow,&lt;br&gt;In large effusion, o'er the freshen'd world.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', ''Spring'' (1728), line 172.

* For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
** Matthew 5:45

*[S]o much depends on the weather, so is it raining in your bedroom?
**[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5UOC0C0x8Q &quot;Plush&quot;], ''Core'' (1992), Atlantic Recording Corporation

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 655.&lt;/small&gt;

* We knew it would rain, for the poplars showed&lt;br&gt;  The white of their leaves, the amber grain&lt;br&gt;Shrunk in the wind,—and the lightning now&lt;br&gt;  Is tangled in tremulous skeins of rain.
** [[Thomas Bailey Aldrich]], ''Before the Rain''.

* She waits for me; my lady Earth,&lt;br&gt;  Smiles and waits and sighs;&lt;br&gt;I'll say her nay, and hide away,&lt;br&gt;  Then take her by surprise.
** [[Mary Mapes Dodge]], ''How the Rain Comes'', April.

* How it pours, pours, pours,&lt;br&gt;  In a never-ending sheet!&lt;br&gt;How it drives beneath the doors!&lt;br&gt;  How it soaks the passer's feet!&lt;br&gt;How it rattles on the shutter!&lt;br&gt;  How it rumples up the lawn!&lt;br&gt;How 'twill sigh, and moan, and mutter,&lt;br&gt;  From darkness until dawn.
** [[Rossiter Johnson]], ''Rhyme of the Rain''.

* Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;&lt;br&gt;Behind the clouds the sun is shining;&lt;br&gt;Thy fate is the common fate of all,&lt;br&gt;Into each life some rain must fall,&lt;br&gt;Some days must be dark and dreary.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''An April Day''.

* And the hooded clouds, like friars,&lt;br&gt;Tell their beads in drops of rain.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Midnight Mass for the Dying Year'', Stanza 4.

[[File:Wet kookaburra 6674 Crop Edit.jpg|thumb|For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.&lt;/br&gt;— Matthew 5:45]]
* The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;&lt;br&gt;It rains, and the wind is never weary;&lt;br&gt;The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,&lt;br&gt;But at every gust the dead leaves fall,&lt;br&gt;And the day is dark and dreary.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Rainy Day''.

* The ceaseless rain is falling fast,&lt;br&gt;  And yonder gilded vane,&lt;br&gt;Immovable for three days past,&lt;br&gt;  Points to the misty main.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Travels by the Fireside'', Stanza 1.

* It is not raining rain to me,&lt;br&gt;  It's raining daffodils;&lt;br&gt;In every dimpled drop I see&lt;br&gt;  Wild flowers on distant hills.
** [[Robert Loveman]], ''April Rain'', Appeared in Harper's Magazine (May, 1901). Erroneously attributed to Swama Rama, who copied it in the ''Thundering Dawn'', Lahore.

* He shall come down like rain upon the mown grass.
** Psalms. LXXII. 6.

* I bring fresh showers for the thirsting flowers,&lt;br&gt;  From the seas and the streams;&lt;br&gt;I bear light shade for the leaves when laid&lt;br&gt;  In their noonday dreams.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''The Cloud''.

* I know Sir John will go, though he was sure it would rain cats and dogs.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Polite Conversation'', Dialogue II.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|rain}}
{{Commons category}}

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      <text bytes="142263" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Speyer (DerHexer) 2010-12-19 051.jpg|thumb|The law, in its [[majestic]] [[equality]], forbids the [[rich]] as well as the [[poor]] to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to [[steal]] bread. ~ [[Anatole France]] ]]
'''[[w:Law|Law]]''' is a term referring to sociological or scientific norms, or established systems of expression based upon them. In social or political terms, the [[rule of law]] refers to a [[system]] of [[rules]] created and [[w:Law enforcement|enforced]] through [[Social institutions|social]] or {{w|governmental institutions}} to regulate [[Human behavior|behavior]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anonymous]] · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' ·  ''[[#The Dictionary of Legal Quotations (1904)|Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Legal&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Respectfully Quoted (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted]]''}}

== A==
[[File:Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne.jpg|thumb|'''An unjust law is no law at all.''' ~ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ]]
[[File:Aung_San_Suu_Kyi_December_2011_(cropped).jpg|thumb|The Universal Declaration of Human Rights recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the rule of law. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] ]]

* The more [[corrupt]] a [[society]], the more numerous its laws.
** [[Edward Abbey]], ''A Voice Crying in the Wilderness (Vox Clamantis in Deserto)'' (1990).

* A government of laws and not of men.
** [[John Adams]], &quot;Novanglus Papers&quot;, no. 7. Reported in Charles Francis Adams, ed., ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 106. Adams published articles in 1774 in the Boston, Massachusetts, ''Gazette'' using the pseudonym &quot;Novanglus&quot;. In this paper he credited James Harrington with expressing the idea this way. Harrington described government as &quot;the empire of laws and not of men&quot; in his 1656 work, ''The Commonwealth of Oceana'' (1771), p. 35. The phrase gained wider currency when Adams used it in the Massachusetts Constitution, Bill of Rights, article 30 (1780). ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 230.

* Law is [[king]] of all.
** [[Henry Alford]], ''School of the Heart'' (1835), Lesson 6.

* Law is a Bottomless-Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy, that devours every thing.
** [[John Arbuthnot]], in Alan W. Bower and Robert A. Erickson, eds., ''The History of John Bull'' (1976 [first published in 1712]), chapter 6, p. 10.

* Law is order, and good law is good order.
** [[Aristotle]] ''Politics'' Book VII, 1326.a29.

* Surely we will not dare say that these laws are unjust, or rather, that they are not laws at all. For it seems to me that an unjust law is no law at all.
**[[Augustine of Hippo]], ''On Free Choice of the Will'', as translated by Thomas Williams (1993) [http://books.google.com/books?id=axCM5xaDKZ0C&amp;pg=PA8&amp;lpg=PA8 p. 8].

* The [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the [[rule of law]]. That just laws which uphold human rights are the necessary foundation of peace and security would be denied only by closed minds which interpret peace as the silence of all opposition and security as the assurance of their own power.
** [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], [http://www.ibiblio.org/obl/docs3/In_Quest_of_Democracy-ocr.pdf ''In Quest of Democracy''] (1991).

==B==
[[File:Buste-bastiat.JPG|thumb|When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. ~ [[Frédéric Bastiat]]]]
[[File:Iustitia van Heemskerck.png|thumb|A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people. ~ [[Ambrose Bierce]] ]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]]. ~ [[Louis Brandeis]]] ]]

* ''La loi est bonne, elle est nécessaire, l'exécution en est mauvaise, et les mœurs jugent les lois d'après la manière dont elles s'exécutent.''
** The law is good, it is necessary, its execution is poor, and the manners judge the laws based on the manner in which they are executed.
*** [[Honoré de Balzac]], ''Splendeurs et Misères des courtisanes'' (1838-1847), part 3, ''Où mènent les mauvais chemins'' (''The Ends of Evil Ways''), &quot;Ce qu'est un juge d'instruction pour ceux qui n'en ont pas&quot; (&quot;What a Judge Is for Those Who Do Not Have One&quot;) (title of the chapter).

* ''Lorsque la Spoliation est devenue le moyen d’existence d’une agglomération d’hommes unis entre eux par le lien social, ils se font bientôt une loi qui la sanctionne, une morale qui la glorifie.''
** When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.
*** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Economic Sophisms'', 2nd series (1848), ch. 1 Physiology of plunder (&quot;Sophismes économiques&quot;, 2ème série (1848), chap. 1 &quot;Physiologie de la spoliation&quot;).

* You would oppose law to [[socialism]]. But it is the law which socialism invokes. It aspires to legal, not extra-legal plunder…. You wish to prevent it from taking any part in the making of laws. You would keep it outside the Legislative Palace. In this you will not succeed, I venture to prophesy, so long as legal plunder is the basis of the legislation within.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It is absolutely necessary that this question of legal plunder should be determined, and there are only three solutions of it:—&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. When the few plunder the many.&lt;br&gt;2. When everybody plunders everybody else.&lt;br&gt;3. When nobody plunders anybody.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder, universal plunder, absence of plunder, amongst these we have to make our choice. The law can only produce one of these results.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder.—This is the system which prevailed so long as the elective privilege was partial; a system which is resorted to, to avoid the invasion of socialism.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Universal plunder.—We have been threatened by this system when the elective privilege has become universal; the masses having conceived the idea of making law, on the principle of legislators who had preceded them.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Absence of plunder.—This is the principle of justice, peace, order, stability, conciliation, and of good sense.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Essays on Political Economy'' (c. 1850s), part 4, &quot;The Law&quot;, p. 20.

* Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''The Law'' (1850)

* Any law that takes hold of a man's daily life cannot prevail in a community, unless the vast majority of the community are actively in favor of it. The laws that are the most operative are the laws which protect life.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], &quot;Civil Law and the Sabbath&quot; (sermon delivered December 3, 1882); reported in ''Plymouth Pulpit'' (1883), vol. 5 (new series), p. 416.

* When laws, customs, or institutions cease to be beneficial to man, they cease to be obligatory.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Life Thoughts'' (1858), p. 34.

*The Invariability of Law. That we live in a realm of law, that we arc surrounded by laws that we cannot break, this is a truism. Yet when the fact is recognised in a real and vital way, and when it is seen to be a fact in the mental and moral world as much as in the physical, a certain sense of helplessness is apt to overpower us, as though we felt ourselves in the grip of some mighty Power, that, seizing us, whirls us away whither it will.  The very reverse of this is in reality the case, for the mighty Power, when it is understood, will obediently carry us whither we will; all forces in Nature can be used in proportion as they are understood  “Nature is conquered by obedience ” — and her resistless energies are at our bidding as soon as we, by knowledge, work with them and not  against them. We can choose out of her boundless stores the forces that serve our purpose in momentum, in direction, and so on, and their very invariability becomes the guarantee of our success. p. 6
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*On the invariability of law depend the security of scientific experiment, and all power of planning a result and of predicting the future. On this the chemist rests, sure that Nature will ever respond in the same way, if he be precise in putting his questions. A variation in his results is taken by him as implying a change in his procedure, not a change in Nature. And so with all human action; the more it is based on knowledge, the more secure is it in its forecastings, for all “accident&quot; is the result of ignorance, and is due to the working of laws whose presence was unknown or overlooked. In the mental and moral worlds, as much as in the physical, results can be foreseen, planned for, calculated on. Nature never betrays us; we are betrayed by our own blindness. p. 7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'',  by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*That law should be as invariable in the mental and moral worlds as in the physical is to be expected, since the universe is the emanation of the One, and what we call Law is but the expression of the Divine Nature. As there is one Lite emanating all, so there is one Law sustaining all ; the worlds rest on this rock of the Divine Nature as on a secure, immutable foundation.  p.7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

* This assurance that '''perfect Justice rules the world''' finds support from the increasing knowledge of the evolving Soul; for as it advances and begins to see on higher planes and to transmit its knowledge to the waking consciousness, we learn with ever-growing certainty, and therefore with ever-increasing joy, that the Good Law is working with undeviating accuracy, that its Agents apply it everywhere with unerring insight, with unfailing strength, and that all is therefore very well with the world and with its struggling Souls. 
**[[Annie Besant]], Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant (1895) 

* Such is an outline of the great Law of [[Karma]] and of its workings, by a knowledge of which a man may accelerate his evolution, by the utilization of which a man may free himself from bondage, and become, long ere his race has trodden its course, one of the Helpers and Saviours of the World. A deep and steady conviction of the truth of this Law gives to life an immovable serenity and a perfect fearlessness: nothing can touch us that we have not wrought, nothing can injure us that we have not merited. And as everything that we have sown must ripen into harvest in due season, and must be reaped, it is idle to lament over the reaping when it is painful; it may as well be done now as at any future time, since it cannot be evaded, and, once done, it cannot return to trouble us again. 
**[[Annie Besant]], ''Karma'', (1895) Ch. XIII, Conclusion

* Ere man could know what was right, he had to learn the existence of the law, and this he could only learn by following all that attracted him in the outer world, by grasping every desirable object, and then by learning from experience, sweet or bitter, whether his delight was in harmony or in conflict with the law. Let us take an obvious example, the taking of pleasant food, and see how infant man might learn there from the presence of a natural law. At the first taking, his hunger was appeased, his taste was gratified, and only pleasure resulted from the experience, for his action was in harmony with law. On another occasion, desiring to increase pleasure, he ate overmuch and suffered in consequence, for he transgressed against the law. A confusing experience to the dawning intelligence, how the pleasurable became painful by excess.
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* Over and over again he would be led by desire into excess, and each time he would experience the painful consequences, until at last he learned moderation, i.e., he learned to conform his bodily acts in this respect to physical law; for he found that there were conditions which affected him and which he could not control, and that only by observing them could physical happiness be insured. Similar experiences flowed in upon him through all the bodily organs, with undeviating regularity; his outrushing desires brought him pleasure or pain just as they worked with the laws of Nature or against them, and, as experience increased, it began to guide his steps, to influence his choice. It was not as though he had to begin his experience anew with every life, for on each [[Reincarnation|new birth]] he brought with him mental faculties a little increased, and ever-accumulating store.  
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]]. 'Industrial Discontent', ''The Shadow on the Dial and other Essays'' (1909).

* The law is not a &quot;light&quot; for you or any man to see by; the law is not an instrument of any kind. The law is a causeway upon which so long as he keeps to it a citizen may walk safely.
** [[Robert Bolt]], ''A Man for All Seasons'' (1967), act II, p. 92. Sir Thomas More is speaking.

* ''Wo wir unfähig sind, die Gesetze der Notwendigkeit zu erkennen, da glauben wir, frei zu sein.''
** When we are incapable of recognizing the laws of necessity, we believe ourselves to be free.
*** [[w:Ludwig Börne|Ludwig Börne]], as quoted in ''Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists'' (2007) by James Geary, p. 16.
**** Variant translation: Wherever it is impossible for us to recognize the law of necessity, we believe we are free.

* '''If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]].'''
** Justice [[Louis Brandeis]], dissenting; ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=CASE&amp;court=US&amp;vol=277&amp;page=438 277 U.S. 438, (1928)].

*'''The law is simply and solely made for the exploitation of those who do not understand it or of those who, for naked need, cannot obey it.'''
**[[Bertolt Brecht]], ''The Threepenny Opera'' Act 3, scene 1, p. 74, character of Polly Peachum

* As in elections, the law pretended universal rights, while securing the interests of powerful houses.
** [[David Brin]], ''[[w:Glory Season|Glory Season]]'' (1993), chapter 27.

* Our wrangling lawyers ... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think they will plead their clients' causes hereafter, some of them in hell.
** [[Robert Burton]], ''The Anatomy of Melancholy'' (1621), ''Democritus to the Reader''.

* Your [[w:Pettifog|pettifoggers]] damn their souls,&lt;br&gt;To share with knaves in cheating [[fools]].
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto I, line 515.

* Is not the winding up witnesses,&lt;br&gt;And nicking, more than half the bus'ness?&lt;br&gt;For witnesses, like watches, go&lt;br&gt;Just as they're set, too fast or slow;&lt;br&gt;And where in Conscience they're strait-lac'd,&lt;br&gt;'Tis ten to one that side is cast.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto II, line 359.

==C==
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its commands, and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. ~ [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]] ]]
[[File:United_States_Declaration_of_Independence.jpg|thumb|It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]] ]]

* An unconstitutional act is not law; it confers no rights; it imposes no duties; affords no protection; it creates no office; it is in legal contemplation, as inoperative as though it had never been passed.
** J. Chase, writing the opinion in ''Norton vs. Shelby County'', 118 U.S. 425, p. 442.

* A world contrary to God must be kept within bounds by the world’s sword. But true Christians love God and their neighbors as themselves; they commit no evil by the grace of God. It is not necessary to compel them to goodness since they know better what is good than the law imposing [[authority]].
** [[Petr Chelčický]], ''Net of Faith'' (1443),  E. Molnár, trans. (1947), Chapter 95.

* For there is but one essential [[justice]] which cements [[society]], and one law which establishes this justice. This law is right [[reason]], which is the true [[rule]] of all commandments and prohibitions. Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is [[Necessity|necessarily]] unjust and wicked.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], [[w:De Legibus|''De Legibus (On the Laws)'']], [http://books.google.com/books?id=SRwYAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22For+There+is+but+one+essential+justice+which+cements+society+and+one+law+which+establishes+this+justice+This+law+is+right+reason+which+is+the+true+rule+of+all+commandments+and+prohibitions+Whoever+neglects+this+law+whether+written+or+unwritten+is+necessarily+unjust+and+wicked%22&amp;pg=PA417#v=onepage Book I, Chapter XV] (translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]]).

* True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its [[commands]], and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. And it does not lay its commands or prohibitions upon good men in vain, though neither have any effect on the wicked. It is a [[sin]] to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it. And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, God, over us all, for he is the author of this law, its promulgator, and its enforcing [[judge]]. Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his human nature, and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst penalties, even if he escapes what is commonly considered punishment.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], ''De Re Publica'' (''The Republic''), book 3, paragraph 22; in ''De Re Publica, De Legibus'', trans. Clinton W. Keyes (1943), p. 211.

* I think it can be shown that the law makes ten criminals where it restrains one.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/etf.html  &quot;The Economic Tendency of Freethought&quot; in ''Liberty'', Vol. XI, #25 (15 February 1890)].

* Everyone should be respected by the law, and everyone should respect the law.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], First presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (September 26, 2016).

*Men do not make laws. They do but discover them. Laws must be justified by something more than the will of the majority. They must rest on the eternal foundation of righteousness. That state is most fortunate in its form of government which has the aptest instruments for the discovery of law.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], to the Massachusetts State Senate, January 7, 1914

* It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], &quot;[[s:Calvin Coolidge's Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence|Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence]]&quot;, 5 July 1926.

*The great [[Law of Cause and Effect]] (the Law of Karma in the East) and the connected [[Reincarnation|Law of Rebirth]] [are] the basic laws of our... existence. The correct understanding and following of these two laws are prerequisites for the creation of harmlessness in every sphere of our lives and thus also for the creation of right human relations, itself the prerequisite for human happiness.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_Art_of_Living:_Living_within_the_Laws_of_Life_(2006)|''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'']], (2006)

* If we do not know that there are laws and rules, we end up as we are today and at all times previously, in a mess, a catastrophic situation, totally out of kilter
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Life proceeds under law. Simple and obvious as it appears, it is something which has been left out of the equation. How many people, how many philosophers writing about the meaning and purpose of life, write about reincarnation as one of the laws, the Great Law of life? It is only in the esoteric teaching that the Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is realized for what it is... The Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is the Great Law governing all of our existence. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Every thought, every action we make sets into motion a cause. The effects stemming from these causes make our lives for good or ill. We do it to ourselves. Because this Law substands the human condition on planet Earth, we are bound by it. There is nothing we can do about it except be harmless.  If you are harmless, you obey the Law. If you create right action, therefore, from right action can come only right reaction. But nine times out of ten, given the chance, humanity has created wrong action. We have always made wars. We have always stolen. We have always been greedy, selfish and complacent... Hence the fact that we have a world that is destructive. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Necessity hath no law. Feigned necessities, imagined necessities... are the greatest cozenage that men can put upon the Providence of God, and make pretenses to break known rules by.
** [[Oliver Cromwell]], in a speech to the First Protectorate Parliament (12 September 1654).

==D==
[[File:Roque Dalton (1969).jpg|thumb|Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.&lt;br&gt;~ [[Roque Dalton]]]]
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous [[Necessity]]— by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are [[miracles]]. ~ [[Leonardo da Vinci]] ]]

* Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous Necessity — by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are miracles.
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], in speaking of the pupil of the eye in ''The Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci'', Vol. I, as translated by Jean Paul Richter (1888).

*''Las leyes son para que las cumplan&lt;br&gt;los pobres.&lt;br&gt;Las leyes son hechas por los ricos&lt;br&gt;para poner un poco de orden a la explotación.&lt;br&gt;Los pobres son los únicos cumplidores de leyes de la historia.&lt;br&gt;Cuando los pobres hagan las leyes&lt;br&gt;ya no habrá ricos''.
**Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.
*** [[Roque Dalton]], ''Poema de Amor''

* Make every private Sentinel, every Musquetier, both Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
** [[Daniel Defoe]], &quot;Memoirs of the Church of Scotland&quot; (1717).

* The law of [[Jehovah]] is perfect, restoring strength. The reminder of Jehovah is trustworthy, making the inexperienced one wise.
** [[David]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/19/19#h=331:0-333:0 Psalm 19:7], [[New World Translation]].
*Law can only prohibit such actions as are hurtful to society. Nothing may be prevented which is not forbidden by law, and no one may be forced to do anything not provided for by law.
**''Declaration of the Rights of Man'', France 1789, Fourth
* &quot;If the law supposes that,&quot; said Mr. Bumble, &quot;the law is a ass, a idiot.&quot; If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is that his eye may be opened by experience—by experience&quot;.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Oliver Twist'' (first published serially 1837–1839; 1970 edition), chapter 51, p. 489.

* The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1853).

* If it's near dinner time, the foreman takes out his watch when the jury have retired and says: &quot;Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen.&quot; &quot;So do I,&quot; says everybody else except two men who ought to have dined at three, and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts up his watch: &quot;Well, gentlemen, what do we say? Plaintiff, defendant, gentlemen? I rather think so far as I am concerned, gentlemen — I say I rather think — but don't let that influence you — I rather think the plaintiff's the man.&quot; Upon this two or three other men are sure to say they think so too — as of course they do; and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' business. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets. 
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Nicholas Nickleby]]'' (1838-1839), Chapter XLVI. 

*I know it is said that marital alliance between these races is unnatural, abhorrent and impossible; but exclamations of this kind only shake the air. They prove nothing against a stubborn fact like that which confronts us daily and which is open to the observation of all. If this blending of the two races were impossible we should not have at least one-fourth of our colored population composed of persons of mixed blood, ranging all the way from a dark-brown color to the point where there is no visible admixture. Besides, it is obvious to common sense that there is no need of the passage of laws, or the adoption of other devices, to prevent what is in itself impossible.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-future-of-the-colored-race/ &quot;The Future of the Colored Race&quot;] (May 1886).

* We live in and by the law. It makes us what we are: citizens and employees and doctors and spouses and people who own things. It is sword, shield, and menace: we insist on our wage, or refuse to pay our rent, or are forced to forfeit penalties, or are closed up in jail, all in the name of what our abstract and ethereal sovereign, the law, has decreed. And we ''argue'' about what it has decreed, even when the books that are supposed to record its commands and directions are silent; we act then as if law had muttered its doom, too low to be heard distinctly. We are subjects of law's empire, liegemen to its methods and ideals, bound in spirit while we debate what we must therefore do.
** [[Ronald Dworkin]], Preface to ''Law's Empire'' (1986).

==E==
&lt;!--[[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|They constantly try to escape//From the darkness outside and within//By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good. ~ [[T. S. Eliot]]]]--&gt;
[[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|right|thumb|If a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just. ~ [[Epicurus]]]]

* They constantly try to escape
:From the darkness outside and within
:By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good.
:* [[T. S. Eliot]], ''The Rock''.

* ''' Among the things held to be just by law, whatever is proved to be of advantage in men's dealings has the stamp of justice, whether or not it be the same for all; but '''if a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just.''' And if what is mutually advantageous varies and only for a [[time]] corresponds to our concept of justice, nevertheless for that time it is just for those who do not trouble themselves about empty [[words]], but look simply at the [[facts]].''' 
** [[Epicurus]], Number 37 of the 40 &quot;Sovran Maxims&quot; (or &quot;Sovereign Maxims), or [http://classics.mit.edu/Epicurus/princdoc.html &quot;Principal Doctrines&quot; as translated by Robert Drew Hicks]

* * '''We look upon this shaken Earth, and we declare our firm and fixed purpose — the building of a peace with justice in a world where moral law prevails. The building of such a peace is a bold and solemn purpose. To proclaim it is easy. To serve it will be hard.''' And to attain it, we must be aware of its full meaning — and ready to pay its full price. We know clearly what we seek, and why. We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. And now, as in no other age, we seek it because we have been warned, by the power of modern weapons, that peace may be the only climate possible for human life itself. Yet this peace we seek cannot be born of fear alone: it must be rooted in the lives of nations. '''There must be justice, sensed and shared by all peoples, for, without justice the world can know only a tense and unstable truce. There must be law, steadily invoked and respected by all nations, for without law, the world promises only such meager justice as the pity of the strong upon the weak. But the law of which we speak, comprehending the values of freedom, affirms the equality of all nations, great and small. Splendid as can be the blessings of such a peace, high will be its cost: in toil patiently sustained, in help honorably given, in sacrifice calmly borne.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[s:Dwight Eisenhower's Second Inaugural Address|Second Inaugural Address (21 January 1957)]]

==F==
[[File:American law digests.jpg|thumb|If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then tyranny. ~ [[Felix Frankfurter]] ]]

* ''La majestueuse égalité des lois, qui interdit au riche comme au pauvre de coucher sous les ponts, de mendier dans les rues et de voler du pain.''
** In its majestic equality, the law forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets and steal loaves of bread.
*** [[Anatole France]], ''[http://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Le_Lys_rouge/VII Le Lys Rouge]'' [The Red Lily] (1894), ch. 7
**** Variant: How noble the law, in its majestic equality, that both the rich and poor are equally prohibited from peeing in the streets, sleeping under bridges, and stealing bread!

* If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then [[tyranny]]. Legal process is an essential part of the democratic process.
** [[Felix Frankfurter]], concurring, ''United States v. Mine Workers'', 330 U.S. 312 (1946).

* I am a lover of [[truth]], a worshipper of [[freedom]], a celebrant at the altar of [[language]] and [[purity]] and [[tolerance]]. That is my [[religion]], and every day I am sorely, grossly, heinously and deeply offended, wounded, mortified and injured by a thousand different blasphemies against it. When the fundamental canons of truth, [[honesty]], [[compassion]] and decency are hourly assaulted by fatuous bishops, pompous, illiberal and ignorant priests, politicians and prelates, sanctimonious censors, self-appointed moralists and busy-bodies, what recourse of ancient laws have I? None whatever. Nor would I ask for any. For unlike these blistering imbeciles my [[belief]] in my religion is strong and I know that [[lies]] will always fail and indecency and intolerance will always perish.
** [[Stephen Fry]], in his &quot;Trefusis Blasphemes&quot; radio broadcast, as published in ''Paperweight'' (1993).

==G==
[[File:Clarence Earl Gideon.jpg|thumb|I believe that each era finds an improvement in law for the benefit of mankind. ~ [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]] ]]
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|[[Necessity]] knows no law but makes law. ~ [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]] ]]

* '''I believe that each era finds a [sic] improvement in law each year brings something new for the benefit of mankind.''' Maybe this will be one of those small steps forward, in the past thirty-five years I have seen great advancement in [[courts]] in penal servitude.
** [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]], Letter from Clarence Earl Gideon to Abe Fortas (November 1962), page 22, Quoted in: Anthony Lewis, Gideon's Trumpet 65-78 (Vintage 1966) (1964), note 2 at page 78. Source: Jack King (2012): ''Clarence Earl Gideon: Unlikely World-Shaker''. The Champion Issue June 2012 by the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, page 58. [https://web.archive.org/web/20200813231044/https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl Archived] from [https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl the original] on August 13, 2020.

* The Law is the true embodiment,&lt;br&gt;Of everything that's excellent,&lt;br&gt;It has no kind of fault or flaw,&lt;br&gt;And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
** [[W.S. Gilbert]], ''[[w:Iolanthe|Iolanthe]]'' (1882).

* '''The function of the [[lawyer]] is to preserve a [[skepticism|sceptical]] [[relativism]] in a [[society]] hell-bent for absolutes. The worse the society, the more law there will be. In [[Hell]] there will be nothing but law and due process will be meticulously observed.'''
** [[w:Grant Gilmore|Grant Gilmore]], ''The Ages of American Law'' (1977), p. 110. &lt;!-- reported in George W. Liebmann, ''The Common Law Tradition: A Collective Portrait of Five Legal Scholars'' (2006), p. 177 --&gt;

* Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 386. Same in ''Vicar of Wakefield''.

* The rule of law can be wiped out in one misguided, however well-intentioned generation. And if that should happen, it could take a century of striving and ordeal to restore it, and then only at the cost of the lives of many good men and women.
** William T. Gossett, President of the [[w:American Bar Association|American Bar Association]] in a speech (9 August 1969).

* It is the law of life that if you are kind to someone you feel happy. If you are cruel you are unhappy. And if you hurt someone, you will be hurt back.
** [[Cary Grant]], as quoted in [http://www.carygrant.net/articles/thinks%20about.htm &quot;Love – That’s All Cary Grant Ever Thinks About&quot;] by  [[w:Sheilah Graham Westbrook|Sheilah Graham Westbrook]] in ''Motion Picture'' (June 1964).

* I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], ''Inaugural Address'' (4 March 1869).

* If you cannot recognise the will of the Führer as a source of law, then you cannot remain a [[judge]].
** [[w:Franz Gürtner|Franz Gürtner]] response to [[w:Lothar Kreyssig|Lothar Kreyssig]]; as quoted in Kershaw, Ian (2000). ''Hitler: 1936–1945 Nemesis''. II. New York: Norton. ISBN 978-0-393-32252-1. p.254.

==H==
[[File:Muttich, Kamil Vladislav - Posledni vyzvani mistru Husovi.jpg|thumb|The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law. ~ [[Jan Hus]]]]

* The law regards man as man, and takes no account of his surroundings or of his color when his civil rights as guaranteed by the supreme law of the land are involved.
**[[John Marshall Harlan]], ''[[w:Plessy v. Ferguson|Plessy v. Ferguson]]'', 163 U.S. 537, 559 (1896).

* It seems to me that any law that is not enforced and can’t be enforced weakens all other laws.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Friday (novel)|Friday]]'' (1982), {{ISBN|0-345-30988-X}}, p. 241

* The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax,&lt;br/&gt;But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax.
** [[A. P. Herbert]], Speech to Parliament, 1930s; as quoted in ''The Pendulum Years'' (1970) by Bernard Levin, p. 16.

* '''The life of the law has not been logic; it has been experience... The law embodies the story of a nation's development through many centuries, and it cannot be dealt with as if it contained only the axioms and corollaries of a book of mathematics.'''
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], ''[[w:The Common Law|The Common Law]]'' (1881), p. 1.

* The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law.
** [[Jan Hus]] in ''Výklad viery, desatera a páteře'' (''Interpretation of the Faith, the Ten Commandments and the Lord's Prayer'') as quoted in ''A Companion to Jan Hus'' (2015) by František Šmahel (ed.), pp. 231.

==J==
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of injustice and inequality is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]] ]]

*Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add &quot;within the limits of the law&quot; because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual. '''
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819).

* Do not lay down any [[rules]] beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.
** [[Jesus]], attributed by [[W:Gospel of Mary#Which Mary?|Mary]] in the [[Berlin Codex]], ''{{w|Gospel of Mary}}'',  [http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Chapter 4]

* The ruling powers tell us poor lower-class folks that we have an obligation, a social responsibility to society, to abide by the law, but they don’t have any social responsibility to us to help us meet our needs. It’s pure [[bourgeoisie]] [[class conflict|class-based]] [[Ideology|morality]], a morality that serves the [[ruling class]], not the [[masses]] of the [[oppressed]].
** [[Kevin Rashid Johnson]], ''Defying the Tomb: Selected Prison Writings and Art of Kevin Rashid Johnson'' (2010)

* The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of [[injustice]] and [[inequality]] is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], speaking at [[w:Gettysburg, Pennsylvania |Gettysburg, Pennsylvania]] on the occasional of [[w:Memorial Day|Memorial Day]] (May 30, 1963). Source: [http://www.lbjlib.utexas.edu/johnson/archives.hom/speeches.hom/630530.asp Press Release, &quot;5/30/63, Remarks by Vice President, Memorial Day, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania,&quot; Statements File, Box 80, LBJ Library.]

* We all know that the roots of injustice run deep. But violence cannot redress a solitary wrong, or remedy a single unfairness. Of course, all America is outraged at the assassination of [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|an outstanding Negro leader]] who was at that meeting that afternoon in the White House in 1966. And America is also outraged at the looting and the burning that defiles our democracy. We just must put our shoulders together and put a stop to both. The time is here. Action must be now. So, I would appeal to my fellow Americans by saying, the only real road to progress for free people is through the process of law and that is the road that America will travel.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=28799&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2gguIRFi1 &quot;Remarks Upon Signing the Civil Rights Act.,&quot; April 11, 1968. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

==K==
[[File:RGB LED Rainbow from 7th symmetry cylindrical grating.jpg|thumb|Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress. ~ [[Anthony Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|The most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:1660 blk 19329 zoom.png|thumb|Observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:1942 JFK uniform portrait.jpg|thumb|Only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Majesty of Law Rayburn.JPG|thumb|Law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating [[order]] out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|There are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. ~ [[Martin Luther King]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Kropotkin PA.jpg|thumb|If you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. ~ [[Peter Kropotkin]]]]--&gt;
&lt;!--[[File:Ancient version of the Taijitu by Lai Zhi-De, sideways.svg|thumb|All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments. ~ [[Michio Kushi]] ]]--&gt;

* Had those who drew and ratified the Due Process Clauses of the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]] or the Fourteenth Amendment known the components of [[liberty]] in its manifold possibilities, they might have been more specific. They did not presume to have this insight. They knew '''times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress.''' As the [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] endures, persons in every generation can invoke its principles in their own search for greater freedom.
** [[Anthony Kennedy]], ''[[w:Lawrence v. Texas|Lawrence v. Texas]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&amp;vol=000&amp;invol=02-102 539 U.S. 558] (26 June 2003).
 
* [[Disarmament]] without checks is but a shadow--and a community without law is but a shell.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] ([[25 September]] [[1961]]).

* All students, members of the faculty, and public officials in both Mississippi and the Nation will be able, it is hoped, to return to their normal activities with full confidence in the integrity of American law. This is as it should be, for our Nation is founded on the principle that observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. The law which we obey includes the final rulings of the courts, as well as the enactments of our legislative bodies. Even among law-abiding men few laws are universally loved, but they are uniformly respected and not resisted. Americans are free, in short, to disagree with the law but not to disobey it. For in a government of laws and not of men, no man, however prominent or powerful, and no mob however unruly or boisterous, is entitled to defy a court of law. If this country should ever reach the point where any man or group of men by force or threat of force could long defy the commands of our court and our Constitution, then no law would stand free from doubt, no judge would be sure of his writ, and no citizen would be safe from his neighbors.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* In 1945 a Mississippi sergeant, Jake Lindsey, was honored by an unusual joint session of the Congress. I close therefore, with this appeal to the students of the University, the people who are most concerned. You have a great tradition to uphold, a tradition of honor and courage won on the field of battle and on the gridiron as well as the University campus. You have a new opportunity to show that you are men of patriotism and integrity. For the most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* Third, and finally, the educated citizen has an obligation to uphold the law. This is the obligation of every citizen in a free and peaceful society--but the educated citizen has a special responsibility by the virtue of his greater understanding. For whether he has ever studied history or current events, ethics or civics, the rules of a profession or the tools of a trade, he knows that only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* He knows that law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating order out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. He knows that for one man to defy a law or court order he does not like is to invite others to defy those which they do not like, leading to a breakdown of all justice and all order. He knows, too, that every fellowman is entitled to be regarded with decency and treated with dignity. Any educated citizen who seeks to subvert the law, to suppress freedom, or to subject other human beings to acts that are less than human, degrades his heritage, ignores his learning, and betrays his obligation.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Certain other societies may respect the rule of force--we respect the rule of law.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Education does have a great role to play in this period of transition. But it is not ''either'' education ''or'' legislation; it is ''both'' education and legislation. '''It may be true that morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important also.''' It may be true that the law cannot change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless, and this is what we often so and we have to do in society through legislation. We must depend on religion and education to change bad internal attitudes, but we need legislation to control the external effects of those bad internal attitudes. And so there is a need for meaningful civil right legislation.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [https://news.cornellcollege.edu/dr-martin-luther-kings-visit-to-cornell-college/ Address to Cornell College, Mount Vernon, Iowa (15 October 1962)]. Also quoted in ''Wall Street Journal'' (13 November 1962), ''Notable &amp; Quotable '', p. 18
** Variant:
** '''It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you love me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important.'''
*** Address at Finney Chapel, Oberlin College (22 October 1964), as reported in &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008)

* One may well ask: &quot;How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?&quot; The answer lies in the fact that '''there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a [[moral]] [[responsibility]] to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.''' I would agree with [[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] that &quot;''an unjust law is no law at all''.&quot;
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* An individual who breaks a law that [[conscience]] tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* But hereof be assured, that all is not lawful nor just that is statute by civil laws; neither yet is everything sin before God, which ungodly persons allege to be treason.
** [[John Knox]], as quoted in ''The Breakers of the Yoke'' by J. S. MacIntosh pg. 303.

* If you reason instead of repeating what is taught you; if you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. You will understand that to remain the servant of the written law is to place yourself every day in opposition to the law of conscience, and to make a bargain on the wrong side; and, since this struggle cannot go on forever, you will either silence your conscience and become a scoundrel, or you will break with tradition, and you will work with us for the utter destruction of all this injustice
** [[Peter Kropotkin]], &quot;An Appeal to the Young&quot; (1880).

* All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments.
** [[Michio Kushi]], with Edward Esko, in ''Spiritual Journey'', p.&amp;nbsp;57.

==L==
&lt;!--[[File:Tinker Bell Levitation.jpg|thumb|The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity. ~ [[R. A. Lafferty]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Golden statue.jpg|thumb|The [[end]] of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom. ~ [[John Locke]] ]]

* The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.
** [[R. A. Lafferty]], ''Space Chantey'' (1968).

*Certain broad facts are always put before men in some form or other. They are explained even to savage tribes by their medicine-men, and to the rest of mankind by various religious teachers and in all kinds of scriptures. It is very true that scriptures and religions differ, but the points in which they all agree have to be accepted by a man before he can understand life sufficiently to live happily. One of these facts is '''the eternal Law of Cause and Effect'''. If a man lives under the delusion that he can do anything that he likes, and that the effect of his actions will never recoil upon himself, he will most certainly find that some of these actions eventually involve him in unhappiness and suffering. **[[C.W. Leadbeater]], (Speaking about the [[Four Noble Truths]] in [[The Masters and the Path|''The Masters and the Path'']] (1925)      p. 306 

*[T]o violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed... When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, or that grievances may not arise for the redress of which no legal provisions have been made. I mean to say no such thing. But I do mean to say that although bad laws, if they exist, should be repealed as soon as possible.. There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [[:Wikisource:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln/Volume 3/The Perpetuation of Our Political Institutions|An Address Delivered Before the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Ill. January 27, 1837]]

* The end of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom.
** [[John Locke]], ''Second Treatise of Government'', Ch. VI, sec.  57.

* And folks are beginning to think it looks odd,&lt;br&gt;To choke a poor scamp for the glory of God.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Fable for Critics'' (1848), line 492.

* Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.
** [[w:Luke the Evangelist|Luke]] 11:52.

* We refuse to have our conscience bound by any work or law. ... Our stubbornness is right, because we want to preserve the liberty which we have in Christ. Only by preserving our liberty shall we be able to retain the truth of the Gospel inviolate.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Chapter 2.

==M==
[[File:Maimonides statue - Cordoba.jpg|thumb|Laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Maimonides Moses.jpg|thumb|In addition to the [[teaching]] of [[truths]] the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Nelson Mandela, 2000 (5).jpg|thumb|right|Equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed. ~ [[Nelson Mandela]]]]
[[File:Law place du Palais-Bourbon Paris.jpg|thumb|Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things. ~ [[Montesquieu]] ]]

* The reason of a commandment, whether positive or negative, is clear, and its usefulness evident, if it directly tends to remove injustice, or to teach good conduct that furthers the well-being of society, or to impart a truth which ought to be believed either on its own merit or as being indispensable for facilitating the removal of injustice or the teaching of good morals. There is no occasion to ask for the object of such commandments; for no one can, ''e.g.'', be in doubt as to the reason why we have been commanded to believe that God is one; why we are forbidden to murder, steal, and to take vengeance, or to retaliate, or why we are commanded to love one another. But there are precepts concerning which people are in doubt, and of divided opinions, some believing they are mere commands, and serve no purpose whatever, whilst others believe that they serve a certain purpose, which, however is unknown to man. Such are those precepts which in their literal meaning do not seem to further any of the three above-named results: to impart some truth, to teach some moral, or to remove injustice. They do not seem to have any influence upon the well-being of the soul by imparting any truth, or upon the well-being of the body by suggesting such ways and rules as are useful in the government of a state, or in the management of a household. ... I will show that all these and similar laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.28.

* The chief object of the Law, as has been shown by us, is the teaching of truths; to which the truth of the ''creatio ex nihilo'' belongs. It is known that the object of the [[w:Biblical_Sabbath|law of Sabbath]] is to confirm and to establish this principle, as we have shown in this treatise (Part II. chap. xxxi.) In addition to the teaching of truths the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. We have thus proved that the first laws do not refer to burnt-offering and sacrifice, which are of secondary importance.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.32.

* The wiser nations are, the more public spirit they possess, the more perfect their political constitution, the fewer constitutional laws they have, for these laws are only props, and a building only needs props when it has become out of plumb or when it has been violently shaken by an external force. The most perfect constitution of antiquity was without contradiction that of Sparta, and Sparta has not left us a single line of its public law. It justly boasted of having written its laws only in the hearts of its children.
** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''Against Rousseau'' (1795), p. 84

* In its proper meaning equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed, a constitution which guarantees democratic rights to all sections of the population, the right to approach the court for protection or relief in the case of the violation of rights guaranteed in the constitution, and the right to take part in the administration of justice as judges, magistrates, attorneys-general, law advisers and similar positions.
: In the absence of these safeguards the phrase 'equality before the law', in so far as it is intended to apply to us, is meaningless and misleading.''' All the rights and privileges to which I have referred are monopolised by whites, and we enjoy none of them. The white man makes all the laws, he drags us before his courts and accuses us, and he sits in judgement over us.
:* [[Nelson Mandela]], Court statement responding to charges of inciting persons to strike illegally, and of leaving the country without a valid passport (1962), in ''Law and Morality: Readings in Legal Philosophy'', p. 564

* ''Leges bello siluere coactae.''
** But silenced now are laws in war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I, line 277.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yer face while it picks yer pocket; and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
**[[Charles Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'' (1759), Act ii, scene 1.

* A lawsuit is to ordinary life what war is to peacetime. In a lawsuit, everybody on the other side is bad. A [[trial]] transcript is a discourse in malevolence.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''[[w:The Journalist and the Murderer|The Journalist and the Murderer]]''. New York: Knopf, 1990, p. 63.

* In life, it is hard enough to see another person's view of things; in a lawsuit, it is impossible. The fatal attraction of a lawsuit—as [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] showed us in ''[[w:Bleak House|Bleak House]]'', with the case of ''Jarndyce v. Jarndyce''—is the infinite scope it offers for escape from the real world of ambiguity, obscurity, doubt, disappointment, compromise, and accommodation. The world of the lawsuit is the world of the [[w:Theory of Forms|Platonic ideal]], where all is clear, etched, one thing or the other. It is a world—as Dickens showed with his allegory of obsession—that we enter at our peril, since it is also the world of madness.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''The Journalist and the Murderer''. New York: Knopf, 1990, pp. 148–9.

* Law, morality, religion, are to him so many [[bourgeois]] prejudices, behind which lurk in ambush just as many bourgeois interests.
** [[Karl Marx]], ''The Manifesto of the Communist Party'' (1848), Section 1, paragraph 47, lines 7-9.

* It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that one Innocent Person should be Condemned.
** [[Increase Mather]], ''Cases of Conscience Concerning Evil Spirits Personating Men, Witchcrafts, infallible Proofs of Guilt in such as are accused with that Crime'' (1692); a variant of this has become known as [[w: Blackstone's formulation| Blackstone's formulation]], through its expression by [[William Blackstone]] in ''[[w: Commentaries on the Laws of England| Commentaries on the Laws of England]]'' (1765 - 1769).

* Power over the rules is real power. That's why lobbyists congregate when Congress writes laws, and why the Supreme Court, which interprets and delineates the Constitution – the rules for writing the rules – has even more power than Congress. '''If you want to understand the deepest malfunctions of systems, pay attention to the rules and to who has power over them.'''
** [[Donella Meadows]], ''[[Donella Meadows#Thinking in Systems: A Primer (2008)|Thinking in Systems: A Primer]]'', Chelsea Green Publishing, 2008, pages 158 (ISBN 9781603580557).

* A law of nature is not a formula drawn up by a legislator, but a mere summary of the observed facts — a &quot;bundle of facts.&quot; Things do not act in a particular way because there is a law, but we state the &quot;law&quot; because they act in that way.
** [[Joseph McCabe]], ''The Existence of God'' (1913).

* The whole drift of our law is toward the absolute prohibition of all ideas that diverge in the slightest from the accepted platitudes, and behind that drift of law there is a far more potent force of growing custom, and under that custom there is a national philosophy which erects conformity into the noblest of virtues and the free functioning of personality into a capital [[crime]] against society.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A Little Book of Aphorisms'' (New York: 1947), p. 75.

*'''Laws without supporting moral conventions invite crime, but much more importantly, they spur the growth of an expedient, amoral attitude. In our kind of society - with its absence of pre-capitalist traditions - the only way to do away with training devices is to change the laws and their enforcement so that, unlike the current income tax, they do not depend upon individual integrity.'''
**[[C. Wright Mills]], ''Power, Politics, and People'', &quot;A Diagnosis of Our Moral Uneasiness.&quot;

* Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things.
** [[Montesquieu]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p.&amp;nbsp;375.

==N==
[[File:Huey Newton.jpg|thumb|Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation. ~ [[Huey Newton]]]]

* The black person ... is asked to respect laws that do not respect him. He is asked to digest a code of ethics that acts upon him but not for him. 
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;Fear and Doubt,&quot; May 15, 1967, in ''The Huey P. Newton Reader'' (2002), p. 132

* '''Men were not created in order to obey laws. Laws are created to obey men.''' They are established by men and should serve men. The laws and rules which officials inflict upon poor people prevent them from functioning harmoniously in society. There is no disagreements about this function of law in any circle-the disagreement arises from the question of which men laws are to serve. Such lawmakers ignore the fact that it is the duty of the poor and unrepresented to construct rules and laws that serve their interest better. '''Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation.'''
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;In Defense of Self-defense&quot; (June 20, 1967)

* Jesus said to his Jews: “The law was for slaves—love god as I love him, as his son! What do we sons of God have to do with morality!”
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Beyond Good and Evil'', I. Johnston, trans., § 164.

* A law-book never recites the utility, the grounds, the [[w:Casuistry|casuistical]] antecedents of a law: for if it did so it would lose the imperative tone, the “thou shall,” on which [[obedience]] is based.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Antichrist'', § 57 (Mencken trans.).

* [[Jesus]] wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the law — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law. He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master ([[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] 2:27-28). Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of mankind.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72.

==O==
[[File:Authority of Law SCOTUS.JPG|thumb|Liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]

* There was a recognition by all who participated in these reviews that the challenges to our privacy do not come from government alone. Corporations of all shapes and sizes track what you buy, store and analyze our data, and use it for commercial purposes; that’s how those targeted ads pop up on your computer and your smartphone periodically. But all of us understand that the standards for government surveillance must be higher. Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect. For history has too many examples when that trust has been breached. Our system of government is built on the premise that our liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/01/17/remarks-president-review-signals-intelligence Remarks by the President on Review of Signals Intelligence (17 June 2014) at the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., USA.]

* In a Society in which there is no law, and in theory no compulsion, the only arbiter of behaviour is public opinion. But public opinion, because of the tremendous urge to conformity in gregarious animals, is less tolerant than any system of law.
** [[George Orwell]], &quot;Politics vs. Literature: An Examination of [[Jonathan_Swift#Gulliver.27s_Travels_.281726.29|Gulliver's Travels]],&quot; ''Polemic'' (September/October 1946) - [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/swift/english/e_swift Full text online].

* How can law be just? — impossible. It is against the people who have nothing, it is for the people who have everything. It is always in favor of the haves - it is ''made'' by the haves, it is a conspiracy of the haves against the have-nots. In all societies it has been so, the law is always unjust. Your so-called justice is just a pretension. The world where ownership exists cannot be a just world.
** [[Osho]], ''Zen: The Path of Paradox'', Vol. 2, Ch. 7

==P==
[[File:Statue of Saint Paul, Damascus.jpg|thumb|right|Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. ~ [[Paul the Apostle]]]]
[[File:Paris - Assemblée Nationale - 001.jpg|thumb|Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|Curse on all laws but those which [[love]] has made. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Portrait of Pierre Joseph Proudhon 1865.jpg|thumb|I protest against every order with which some [[authority]] may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government. ~ [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]] ]]--&gt;

* I died to the law so that I might live for [[God]].
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 2:19.

* The law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 3:24-26.

* For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt [[love]] thy neighbor as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 5:14.

* On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/galatians/5/ Letter to the Galatians 5:22-23], [[New World Translation]]

* Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:8-10.

* We are made right with [[God]] through [[faith]] and not by obeying the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 3:28.

* Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 13:8.

* To those outside the law I became as one outside the law—not being without law toward God but under the law of Christ—that I might win those outside the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|First Letter to the Corinthians]] 9:19-23.

* It is as if a man were acquiring the knowledge of the humors and desires of a great strong beast which he had in his keeping, how it is to be approached and touched, and when and by what things it is made most savage or gentle, yes, and the several sounds it is wont to utter on the occasion of each, and again what sounds uttered by another make it tame or fierce, and after mastering this knowledge by living with the creature and by lapse of time should call it wisdom, and should construct thereof a system and art and turn to the teaching of it, knowing nothing in reality about which of these opinions and desires is honorable or base, good or evil, just or unjust, but should apply all these terms to the judgments of the great beast, calling the things that pleased it good, and the things that vexed it bad, having no other account to render of them, but should call what is necessary just and honorable, never having observed how great is the real difference between the necessary and the good, and being incapable of explaining it to another.
** [[Plato]], ''Republic'', 493a.

* Curse on all laws but those which love has made.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Eloisa to Abelard'' (1717), line 74.

* Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle III, line 189.

* I stand ready to negotiate, but I want no part of laws: I acknowledge none; I protest against every order with which some authority may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government.
** [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]], in &quot;The Authority Principle&quot; in ''No Gods, No Masters : An Anthology of Anarchism'' (1980) Daniel Guérin, as translated by Paul Sharkey (1998), p. 90.

* Law is not a mausoleum. It is not an antique to be taken down, dusted, admired and put back on the shelf. It is like an old but vigorous tree, having roots in history, yet continuously taking new grafts and putting out new sprouts and occasionally dropping dead wood. It is essentially a social process, the end product of which is justice and hence it must change with changing social values. Otherwise there will be estrangement between law and justice and law will cease to have legitimacy.
** [[P.N. Bhagwati]]  Motilal Padmapat v State of Uttar Pradesh AIR 1979 SC 621; 118 ITR 326.

* ''Aurum lex sequitur''.
** Law follows gold.
** [[Propertius]], ''Elegice'', III. 13. 48.

==R==
&lt;!--[[File:Taijitu polarity.PNG|thumb|As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot; ~ [[Spider Robinson]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Eleanor Roosevelt UDHR.jpg|thumb|Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law. ~ [[Eleanor Roosevelt]] ]]
[[File:President Theodore Roosevelt, 1904.jpg|thumb|right|The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]] ]]

* We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Speech at the Republican National Convention, Platform Committee Meeting, Miami, Florida&quot; (31 July 1968).

* As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot;
** [[Spider Robinson]], ''Callahan's Key'' (2000).

* Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law.
**[[Eleanor Roosevelt]], ''My Day'' (1935–1962) (14 July 1939).

* '''The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. Law and order enforced with justice and by strength lie at the foundations of civilization. Law must be based upon justice, else it cannot stand, and it must be enforced with resolute firmness, because weakness in enforcing it means in the end that there is no justice and no law, nothing but the rule of disorderly and unscrupulous strength. Without the habit of orderly obedience to the law, without the stern enforcement of the laws at the expense of those who defiantly resist them, there can be no possible progress, moral or material, in civilization. There can be no weakening of the law-abiding spirit here at home, if we are permanently to succeed; and just as little can we afford to show weakness abroad.'''
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses, Chapter ''National Duties'', [http://www.jonesmansion.com/history/speechon.htm Address at the Minnesota State Fair, St. Paul, 2 September 1901]

*'''Every law the people has not ratified in person is null and void - is, in fact, not a law. '''
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*The inflexibility of the laws, which prevents them from adapting themselves to circumstances, may, in certain cases, render them disastrous, and make them bring about, at a time of crisis, the ruin of the State. 
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*We must base our laws on [[faith]], not [[reason]].
**Mark Rushdoony, as quoted in [http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2005/winter/casting-stones &quot;Casting Stones&quot;] (2005), ''Intelligence Report'', Southern Poverty Law Center

==S==
[[File:JUL Iris Soul Palm.png|thumb|Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law. ~ [[Seneca the Elder]] ]]
[[File:'Foundling Mick' by Léon Benett 31.jpg|thumb|'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state. ~ [[William Shakespeare]] ]]
[[File:Liberty Enlightening the World, Paris 19 October 2011.jpg|thumb|[[Laws]] are never as effective as [[habits]]. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson II]] ]]
[[File:Algernon Sidney (1623-1683) 9.jpg|thumb|That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed. ~ [[Algernon Sydney]] ]]

*Things don't just happen in this world of arising and passing away. We don't live in some kind of crazy, accidental universe. Things happen according to certain laws, laws of [[nature]]. Laws such as the law of [[karma]], which teaches us that as a certain seed gets planted, so will that fruit be.
**[[w:Sharon Salzberg|Sharon Salzberg]], in [http://consciousresonance.net/?p=2441 Buddhism: Between Desire and Emptiness]

* To disrespect the masses is moral; to honor them, lawful.
** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Lucinde and the Fragments'', p. Firchow, trans. (1991), “Athenaeum Fragments” § 211.

* The writers of our belief system caution us to make sure that the laws are [[justice|just]] — that is, that they are not subverted by those in [[power]] for their own interest and permitted to become the means by which the powerful justify their rule and become masters of the many. In such conditions the laws become [[idols]], and we end up [[worshipping]] false [[gods]].
** Eugen Schoenfeld, [http://atlantajewishtimes.timesofisrael.com/worship-guns-worship-idols/ &quot;Worship of Guns is Worship of Idols&quot;], ''Atlanta Jewish Times'', (July 20, 2016).

* Necessity creates the law, — it supersedes rules; and whatever is reasonable and just in such cases is likewise legal.
**[[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitude'' (1801), 3 Rob. Adm. Rep. 240. Note that &quot;''The Gratitude''&quot; is the name of a legal case in admiralty, such cases being styled by the name of the vessel at issue.

* In the first place, it is not improper to observe, that the law of cases of necessity is not likely to be well furnished with precise rules; necessity creates the law, it supersedes rules; and whatever is ''reasonable'' and ''just'' in such cases, is likewise ''legal''; it is not to be considered as matter of surprise, therefore, if much instituted rule is not to be found on such subjects.
** [[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitudine'' (18 December 1801); as published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=-vcvAAAAYAAJ ''Reports of Cases Argued and Determined in the High Court of Admiralty, Commencing with the Judgments of the Right Hon. Sir William Scott, Michaelmas Term, 1798'', Vol. III (1802)], p. 266.

* ''Quædam iura non scripta, sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt.''
** Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law.
** [[Seneca the Elder]], ''Controversiae'', Book 1, Chapter 1, sect. 14; translation from Norman T. Pratt ''Seneca's Drama'' (Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press, 1983) p.&amp;nbsp;140.

* You who wear out a good wholesome forenoon in hearing a cause between an orange-wife and a fosset-seller; and then rejourn the controversy of three pence to a second day of audience.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act II, scene 1, line 77.

* He hath resisted law,&lt;br&gt;And therefore law shall scorn him further trial&lt;br&gt;Than the severity of the public power.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 1, line 267.

* In the corrupted currents of this world,&lt;br&gt;Offence's gilded hand may shove by justice;&lt;br&gt;And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itself&lt;br&gt;Buys out the law: but 'tis not so above;&lt;br&gt;There is no shuffling, there the action lies&lt;br&gt;In his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,&lt;br&gt;Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,&lt;br&gt;To give in evidence.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 3, line 57.

* But is this law?&lt;br&gt;Ay, marry is 't; crowner's quest law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act V, scene 1, line 23.

* But, I prithee, sweet wag, shall there be gallows standing in England when thou art king? and resolution thus fobbed as it is with the rusty curb of old father antic the law?
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 2, line 65.

* Faith, I have been a truant in the law,&lt;br&gt;And never yet could frame my will to it;&lt;br&gt;And therefore frame the law unto my will.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 7.

* But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,&lt;br&gt;Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 11.

* The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act IV, scene 2, line 84.

* Press not a falling man too far! 'tis virtue:&lt;br&gt;His faults lie open to the laws; let them,&lt;br&gt;Not you, correct him.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, line 333.

* When law can do no right,&lt;br&gt;Let it be lawful that law bar no wrong.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act III, scene 1, line 185.

* 'Tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you gave me nothing for 't.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King Lear|King Lear]]'' (1608), Act I, scene 4, line 142.

* Bold of your worthiness, we single you&lt;br&gt;As our best-moving fair solicitor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act II, scene 1, line 28.

* We have strict statutes and most biting laws.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act I, scene 3, line 19.

* We must not make a scarecrow of the law,&lt;br&gt;Setting it up to fear the birds of prey,&lt;br&gt;And let it keep one shape, till custom make it&lt;br&gt;Their perch and not their terror.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act II, scene 1, line 1.

* To offend, and judge, are distinct offices&lt;br&gt;And of opposed natures.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 9, line 61.

* In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt&lt;br&gt;But, being season'd with a gracious voice,&lt;br&gt;Obscures the show of evil?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 75.

* It must not be; there is no power in Venice&lt;br&gt;Can alter a decree established:&lt;br&gt;'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act IV, scene 1, line 218.

* The bloody book of law&lt;br&gt;You shall yourself read in the bitter letter&lt;br&gt;After your own sense.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Othello]]'' (c. 1603), Act I, scene 3, line 67.

* I am a subject,&lt;br&gt;And I challenge law: attorneys are denied me;&lt;br&gt;And therefore personally I lay my claim&lt;br&gt;To my inheritance of free descent.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard II (play)|Richard II]]'' (c. 1595), Act II, scene 3, line 133.

* Before I be convict by course of law,&lt;br&gt;To threaten me with death is most unlawful.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act I, scene 4, line 192.

* Do as adversaries do in law,&lt;br&gt;Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Act I, scene 2, line 278.

* We are for law; he dies.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act III, scene 5, line 86.

* They have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 2, line 16.

* Still you keep o' the windy side of the law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 4, line 181.

* When I hear any man talk of an unalterable law, the only effect it produces upon me is to convince me that he is an unalterable [[Fools|fool]].
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Peter Plymley's Letters'' (1808), Letter IV.

* Law is the rule, principle, obligation or requirement of natural justice.
** [[w:Lysander Spooner|Lysander Spooner]], ''The Unconstitutionality of Slavery'' (1860).

*Laws are never as effective as habits.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], Speech in New York City (28 August 1952)

* '''There is no [[justice]] in following unjust laws. It’s time to come into the [[light]] and, in the grand tradition of [[civil disobedience]], declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture.'''
** [[Aaron Swartz]], in [http://archive.org/details/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto ''Guerilla Open Access Manifesto'' (July 2008)].

* You have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator: that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose interest and abilities lies in perverting, confounding, and eluding them.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], the King of Brobdingnag in ''Gulliver’s Travels'' (1726), Part 2, chapter 6, p. 135.

* Who ever knew an honest brute&lt;br&gt;at law his neighbor prosecute?
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''The Logicians Refuted'' (1735).

* That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.
** [[Algernon Sydney]], in [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_000.htm ''Discourses Concerning Government'' (1698)]  [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_311.htm Ch. 3, Sect. 11].

* Necessity knows no law except to conquer.
** [[Publilius Syrus]], ''Moral Sayings'' 553.

==T==
[[File:Tacitus, Annals, Florence, Plut. 68,2.jpg|thumb|The more corrupt the state, the more laws. ~ [[Tacitus]] ]]

* ''Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.''
** '''The more numerous the [[laws]], the more [[corrupt]] the [[government]].'''
*** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), Book III, 27
** Variant translations:
** '''The more corrupt the state, the more laws.'''
** And now bills were passed, not only for national objects but for individual cases, and '''laws were most numerous when the commonwealth was most corrupt.'''

* ''Rebus cunctis inest quidam velut orbis.''
** In all things there is a kind of law of cycles.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 55.

* ''Initia magistratum nostrorum meliora, ferme finis inclinat.''
** Our magistrates discharge their duties best at the beginning; and fall off toward the end.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), XV. 31.

* It is important, of course, that controversies be settled right, but there are many civil questions which arise between individuals in which it is not so important the controversy be settled one way or another as that it be settled. Of course a settlement of a controversy on a fundamentally wrong principle of law is greatly to be deplored, but there must of necessity be many rules governing the relations between members of the same society that are more important in that their establishment creates a known rule of action than that they proceed on one principle or another. Delay works always for the man with the longest purse.
** [[William Howard Taft]], informal address to the judicial section of the American Bar Association, Cincinnati, Ohio (August 30, 1921); reported in &quot;Adequate Machinery for Judicial Business&quot;, ''American Bar Association Journal'' (September 1921), p. 453.

* What is [[hateful]] to thee, do not unto thy fellow; this is the whole law. All the rest is a commentary to this law; go and [[learn]] it.
** [[Talmud]], Tractate Shabat 30a.

*''But speaking of rules, you've been arrested dozens of times in your life. Specific incidents aside, what's common to these run-ins? Where do you stand vis-à-vis the law?''&lt;br&gt;&quot;Goddammit. Yeah, I have. First, there's a huge difference between being arrested and being guilty. Second, see, the law changes and I don't. How I stand vis-à-vis the law at any given moment depends on the law. The law can change from state to state, from nation to nation, from city to city. I guess I have to go by a higher law. How's that? Yeah, I consider myself a road man for the lords of [[karma]].&quot;
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], [http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2003/02/03/thompson/index_np.html ''Salon'' interview (3 February 2003)].

* The law will never make men [[Freedom|free]]; it is men who have got to make the law free.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], om [http://thoreau.eserver.org/slavery.html ''Slavery in Massachusetts'' (4 July 1854)].

* Illegality is not to be presumed; it is to be alleged and proved when it does not appear on the face of the instrument itself.
** [[Nicholas Conyngham Tindal]], CJ., ''Lord Howden v. Simpson'' (1839), 10 A. &amp; E. 821; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 103-104.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull (poet)|John Trumbull]], ''[[w:McFingal|McFingal]]'', Canto iii (1782), line 489.

==U==
* Whereas Congress recognizes the historical tradition of ethical values and principles which are the basis of civilized society and upon which our great Nation was founded; Whereas these ethical values and principles have been the bedrock of society from the dawn of civilization, when they were known as the Seven Noahide Laws ...
** United States Congress, [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c102:h.j.res.104.enr: Joint Resolution To designate March 26, 1991, as 'Education Day, U.S.A.']

==V==
[[File:LucDeClapiers.jpg|thumb|Those who fear men like laws. ~ [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]] ]]

*'''Those who fear men like laws.'''
** [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]], ''Réflexions'' (1746).

==W==
* In civilized life, law floats in a sea of ethics.
** [[Earl Warren]], Speech at the Louis Marshall Award Dinner of the Jewish Theological Seminary, Americana Hotel, New York City (11 November 1962).

* Human law must rest its authority ultimately upon the authority of that law which is [[Divine law|divine]]. Far from being rivals or enemies religion and law are twin sisters, friends, and mutual assistance. Indeed, these two sciences run into each other.
** [[James Wilson]], ''The Works of the Honourable James Wilson'' (Philadelphia: Bronson and Chauncey, 1804), Vol. I, pp. 106 &amp; 103-105.

* American industry is not free, as once it was free; American enterprise is not free; the man with only a little capital is finding it harder to get into the field, more and more impossible to compete with the big fellow. Why? Because the laws of this country do not prevent the strong from crushing the weak. That is the reason, and because the strong have crushed the weak the strong dominate the industry and the economic life of this country.
**[[Woodrow Wilson]], ''The New Freedom: A Call For the Emancipation of the Generous Energies of a People'' (1913).

==X==
[[File:Raffael 069.jpg|thumb|Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

* &quot;Whatever a despot by enactment constrains the citizens to do without persuasion, is the negation of law?”&lt;p&gt;“Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force.”
** [[Xenophon]], [[Pericles]] and [[Socrates]] in ''[[Memorabilia]]'', 1.2.41.

==Y==
* Law is the backbone which keeps man erect.
** Seymour C. Yuter, arguing for passage of the Nuclear Test Ban treaty and Nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'',  Vol. 25, No. 8 (October 1969), p.&amp;nbsp;23.

==Z==
* Because of plea-bargaining, I guess we can say, &quot;Gee, the trains run on time.&quot; But do we like where they are going?
** Franklin E. Zimring, &quot;[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,916340-3,00.html Law: Is Plea Bargaining a Cop-Out?]&quot;, ''Time'' (August 28, 1978).

==Anonymous==
*“There’s no justice, John! There is no reason at all for me to be kept here!”
:“Justice is the first casualty of war and that’s the point we’re rapidly approaching.&quot;
:*Mary Reed and Eric Mayer, ''[[John,_the_Lord_Chamberlain#Two_for_Joy|Two for Joy]], Ch. 21''.

* ''Necessitas non habet legem''
** [[Necessity]] has no law.
*** [[Anonymous]] [[Latin proverbs|Latin proverb]] which arose in the middle ages, leading to many variant expressions and extensions in many cultures.
** Variants:
** ''Quia enim necessitas non habet legem, set ipsa sibi facit legume''
*** Necessity knows no law but makes law.
**** [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]], ''[[w:Decretum Gratiani|Decretum Gratiani]]''
** Necessity knows no laws.
*** [[Spanish proverbs|Spanish proverb]], as quoted in ''The International Thesaurus of Quotations'' (1970) edited by Rhoda Thomas Tripp, p. 429.
** الضرورات تبيح المحظورات
*** Necessity knows no restrictions.
**** Arabic Proverb
** Necessity knows no laws, and a man must part with his last farthing to buy bread.
*** &quot;C.&quot; in ''The Farmer's Magazine'' Vol. 1, No. 4 (October 1838), p. 271.
** Necessity knows no laws or customs.
*** Joseph Kinmont Hart, ''Mind in Transition : Patterns, Conflicts and Changes in the Evolution of the Mind'' (1938), p. 88.

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
[[File:SpiderWeb.jpg|thumb|Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them. ~ [[Anacharsis]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 430-34.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''Ove son leggi,&lt;br&gt;Tremar non dee chi leggi non infranse.''
** Where there are laws, he who has not broken them need not tremble.
** [[Vittorio Alfieri]], ''Virginia'', II. 1.

* '''Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them.'''
** [[Anacharsis]] to Solon when writing his laws.

* '''Law is a bottomless pit.'''
** [[John Arbuthnot]], title of a pamphlet (c. 1700).

* One of the Seven was wont to say: &quot;That laws were like cobwebs; where the small flies were caught, and the great brake through.&quot;
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apothegms'', No. 181.

* '''All this is but a web of the wit; it can work nothing.'''
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays on Empire''.

* There was an ancient Roman lawyer, of great fame in the history of Roman jurisprudence, whom they called Cui Bono, from his having first introduced into judicial proceedings the argument, &quot;What end or object could the party have had in the act with which he is accused.&quot;
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Impeachment of Warren Hastings''.

* '''I do not know the method of drawing up an indictment against an whole people.'''
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Speech on the Conciliation of America''.

* A good parson once said that where mystery begins religion ends. Cannot I say, as truly at least, of human laws, that where mystery begins, justice ends?
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Vindication of Natural Society''.

* The law of England is the greatest grievance of the nation, very expensive and dilatory.
** Bishop Burnet, ''History of His Own Times''.

* The law of heaven and earth is life for life.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Curse of Minerva'' (1811), Stanza 15.

* Arms and laws do not flourish together.
** [[Julius Caesar]], reported in [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cæsar''.

* Who to himself is law, no law doth need,&lt;br&gt;Offends no law, and is a king indeed.
** [[George Chapman]], ''Bussy d'Ambois'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Jus gentium.''
** The law of nations.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), III. 17.

* For as the law is set over the magistrate, even so are the magistrates set over the people. And therefore, it may be truly said, &quot;that the magistrate is a speaking law, and the law is a silent magistrate.&quot;
** [[Cicero]], ''De Legibus'' (''On the Laws''; c. 40s BC), Book III. I.

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** For the '''laws are dumb in the midst of arms.'''
** [[Cicero]], ''Pro Milone'', IV.

* After an existence of nearly twenty years of almost innocuous desuetude these laws are brought forth.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], Message (1 March 1886).

* Magna Charta is such a fellow that he will have no sovereign.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Debate in the Commons'' (17 May 1628).

* '''Reason is the life of the law; nay, the common law itself is nothing else but reason.'''  *  *  *  The law which is perfection of reason.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* The gladsome light of jurisprudence.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* According to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not.
** [[Daniel]], VI. 8.

* Trial by jury itself, instead of being a security to persons who are accused, shall be a delusion, a mockery, and a snare.
** [[Lord Denman]], ''O'Connell vs. the Queen'', II. C. and F., 351 (Sept. 4, 1894).

* '''Whatever was required to be done, the Circumlocution Office was beforehand with all the public departments in the art of perceiving — HOW NOT TO DO IT.'''
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Little Dorrit'', Part I, Chapter X.

* '''When the judges shall be obliged to go armed, it will be time for the courts to be closed.'''
** [[S. J. Field]], when advised to arm himself, in California (1889).

* '''Our human laws are but the copies, more or less imperfect, of the eternal laws, so far as we can read them.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Calvinism.

* '''Just laws are no restraint upon the freedom of the good, for the good man desires nothing which a just law will interfere with.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Reciprocal Duties of State and Subject.

* '''Whenever the offence inspires less horror than the punishment, the rigour of penal law is obliged to give way to the common feelings of mankind.'''
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', Chapter XIV, Volume I.

* ''Es erben sich Gesetz und Rechte&lt;br&gt;Wie eine ew'ge Krankheit fort.''
** All rights and laws are still transmitted,&lt;br&gt;Like an eternal sickness to the race.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''[[Goethe's Faust|Faust]]'', I. 4. 449.

* A cloud of witnesses.
** Hebrews, XII. 1.

* ''Quid leges sine moribus&lt;br&gt;Vanæ proficiunt?''
** Of what use are laws, inoperative through public immorality?
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', III. 24. 35.

* To the law and to the testimony.
** [[Isaiah]], VIII. 20.

* The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Johnsoniana'', Piozzi's Anecdotes, 58.

* ''Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas.''
** The verdict acquits the raven, but condemns the dove.
** [[Juvenal]], ''Satires'' (early 2nd century), II. 63.

* ''Ad quæstionem juris respondeant judices ad quæstionem facti respondeant juratores.''
** '''Let the judges answer to the question of law, and the jurors to the matter of the fact.'''
*** Law Maxim.

* We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.
** [[G. H. Lewes]], ''The Physiology of Common Life'', Chapter XIII.

* ''Hominem improbum non accusari tutius est quam absolvi.''
** '''It is safer that a bad man should not be accused, than that he should be acquitted.'''
*** [[Livy]], ''Annales'', XXXIV. 4.

* ''La charte sera désormais une vérité.''
** The charter will henceforth be a reality.
** [[Louis Philippe]].

* ''Perchè, cosi come i buoni costumi, per mantenersi, hanno bisogno delli leggi; cosi le leggi per ossevarsi, hanno bisogno de' buoni costumi.''
** For as laws are necessary that good manners may be preserved, so there is need of good manners that laws may be maintained.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Dei Discorsi'', I. 18.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yeer face while it picks yeer pocket: and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
** [[Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Nisi per legale judicium parum suorum.''
** Unless by the lawful judgment of their peers.
** ''[[Magna Charta]]'', ''Privilege of Barons of Parliament''.

* ''Certis  *  *  *  legibus omnia parent.''
** '''All things obey fixed laws.'''
** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', I, 479.

* The law speaks too softly to be heard amidst the din of arms.
** [[Caius Marius]], when complaint was made of his granting the freedom of Rome to a thousand Camerians, in [[Plutarch]]'s ''Life of Caius Marius''.

* Render therefore unto Cæsar the things which are Cæsar's.
** [[Jesus]] in Matthew, XXII. 21.

* As the case stands.
** [[Thomas Middleton]], ''Old Law'' (1618-19), Act II, scene 1.

* Litigious terms, fat contentions, and flowing fees.
** [[John Milton]], ''Prose Works'', Volume I. Of Education.

* ''Le bruit des armes l'empeschoit d'entendre la voix des lois.''
** The clatter of arms drowns the voice of the law.
*** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', III. I.

* There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.
** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', ''Of Vanity''.

* ''Neque enim lex est æquior ulla,&lt;br&gt;Quam necis artifices arte perire sua.''
** Nor is there any law more just, than that he who has plotted death shall perish by his own plot.
** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', I. 665.

* ''Sunt superis sua jura.''
** The gods have their own laws.
** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', IX. 499.

* Where law ends, there tyranny begins.
** [[William Pitt, Earl of Chatham]], ''Case of Wilkes'', speech (Jan. 9, 1770), last line.

* ''Nescis tu quam meticulosa res sit ire ad judicem.''
** You little know what a ticklish thing it is to go to law.
*** [[Plautus]], ''Mostellaria'', V, 1, 52.

* ''Non est princeps super leges, sed leges supra principem.''
** '''The prince is not above the laws, but the laws above the prince.'''
*** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Paneg. Traj.'' 65.

* All, look up with reverential awe,&lt;br&gt;At crimes that 'scape, or triumph o'er the law.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Epilogue to Satire'', Dialogue I, line 167.

* Piecemeal they win this acre first then, that,&lt;br&gt;Glean on, and gather up the whole estate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Satires of Dr. Donne'', Satire II, line 91.

* Once (says an Author; where, I need not say)&lt;br&gt;Two Trav'lers found an Oyster in their way;&lt;br&gt;Both fierce, both hungry; the dispute grew strong,&lt;br&gt;While Scale in hand Dame Justice pass'd along.&lt;br&gt;Before her each with clamour pleads the Laws.&lt;br&gt;Explain'd the matter, and would win the cause,&lt;br&gt;Dame Justice weighing long the doubtful Right,&lt;br&gt;Takes, open, swallows it, before their sight.&lt;br&gt;The cause of strife removed so rarely well,&lt;br&gt;&quot;There take&quot; (says Justice), &quot;take ye each a shell.&lt;br&gt;We thrive at Westminster on Fools like you:&lt;br&gt;'Twas a fat oyster—live in peace—Adieu.&quot;
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Verbatim from Boileau''.

* Let us consider the reasons of the case. For nothing is law that is not reason.
** Sir [[John Powell]], ''Coggs v. Bernard'', 2 Ld. Raym. 911.

* He that is surety for a stranger shall smart for it.
** Proverbs, XI. 15.

* God detests the prayers of a person who ignores the law.
** Proverbs 28:9, New Living Translation

* That very law which moulds a tear,&lt;br&gt;And bids it trickle from its source,&lt;br&gt;That law preserves the earth a sphere,&lt;br&gt;And guides the planets in their course.
** [[Samuel Rogers]], ''On a Tear'', Stanza 6.

* La loi permet souvent ce que défend l'honneur.
** '''The law often allows what honor forbids.'''
*** [[Bernard-Joseph Saurin]], ''Spartacus'', III. 3.

* ''Si judicas, cognosce; si regnas, jube.''
** If you judge, investigate; if you reign, command.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIV.

* ''Qui statuit aliquid, parte inaudita altera,&lt;br&gt;Æquum licet statuerit, haud æquus fuerit.''
** He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide justly, cannot be considered just.
*** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIX.

* ''Inertis est nescire, quid liceat sibi.&lt;br&gt;Id facere, laus est, quod decet; non, quod licet.''
** It is the act of the indolent not to know what he may lawfully do. It is praiseworthy to do what is becoming, and not merely what is lawful.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Octavia'', CCCCLIII.

* There is a higher law than the Constitution.
** [[W. H. Seward]], speech (11 March 1850).

* '''Laws are generally found to be nets of such a texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle-sized alone are entangled in.'''
** [[William Shenstone]], ''On Politics''.

* When to raise the wind some lawyer tries,&lt;br&gt;Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes;&lt;br&gt;On speeds the smiling suit—&lt;br&gt;. . . . . .&lt;br&gt;Till stript—nonsuited—he is doomed to toss&lt;br&gt;In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss,&lt;br&gt;Lucky, if like Ulysses, he can keep&lt;br&gt;His head above the waters of the deep.
** Horace and James Smith, ''Rejected Addresses'', ''Architectural Atoms''. Translation by Dr. B. T.

* Men keep their engagements when it is an advantage to both parties not to break them.
** [[Solon]], ''Answer to Anacharsis''. In [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Solon''.

* '''Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.'''
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Essay on the Faculties of the Mind''.

* ''Bonis nocet quisquis pepercerit malis.''
** '''He hurts the good who spares the bad.'''
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur.''
** The judge is condemned when the guilty is acquitted.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* A man must not go to law because the musician keeps false time with his foot.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], Volume VIII, p. 145. ''The Worthy Communicant'', Chap, IV. Sect, IV. Quoted from Schott, ''Adagia'', p. 351. Prov. E, Suida. Cent, II. 17.

* ''Quod vos jus cogit, id voluntate impetret.''
** What the law insists upon, let it have of your own free will.
** [[Terence]], ''Adelphi'', III. 4. 44.

* ''Jus summum sæpe summa est malitia.''
** '''The strictest law sometimes becomes the severest injustice.'''
*** [[Terence]], ''Heauton timoroumenos'', IV. 5. 48.

* The law is good, if a man use it lawfully.
** I Timothy. I. 8.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull]], ''McFingal'', Canto III, line 489.

* The Law: It has honored us, may we honor it.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Toast at the Charleston Bar Dinner'' (May 10, 1847).

* The glorious uncertainty of law.
** Toast of Wilbraham at a dinner of judges and counsel at Serjeants' Inn Hall (1756). Quoted by Mr. Sheridan in 1802.

* And he that gives us in these days&lt;br&gt;New Lords may give us new laws.
** [[George Wither]], ''Contented Man's Morrice''.

* And through the heat of conflict keeps the law&lt;br&gt;In calmness made, and sees what he foresaw.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Character of a Happy Warrior'', line 53.

* '''He it was that first gave to the law the air of a science. He found it a skeleton, and clothed it with life, colour, and complexion; he embraced the cold statue, and by his touch it grew into youth, health, and beauty.'''
** [[w:Barry Yelverton|Barry Yelverton]] (Lord Avonmore), on Blackstone.

==''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 147-157; 182&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Ulam Spiral Divisors 100000.png|thumb| The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.]]

* No man can come into a British Court of justice to seek the assistance of the law who founds his claim upon a contravention of the British laws.
** [[Richard Arden, 1st Baron Alvanley]], C.J., ''Morck v. Abel'' (1802), 3 Bos. and Pull. 38.

* Reading, maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man; — and, therefore, if a man write little, he had need have a great memory; if he confer little, he had need have a present wit; and if he read little, he had need have much cunning to seem to know that he doth not.
** Lord Bacon.

* We may appeal to the experience of every sensible lawyer, whether anything can be more hazardous or discouraging than the usual entrance on the study of the law.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries'', Book I., Section 1, p.&amp;nbsp;16.

* Law grows, and though the principles of law remain unchanged, yet (and it is one of the advantages of the common law) their application is to be changed with the changing circumstances of the times. Some persons may call this retrogression, I call it progression of human opinion.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), 1 Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 135.

* I cannot say the law was ever a hard mistress to me: and she did not allow me long to languish in idleness, nor ever suffer me to be without hope. But, of course, I had many idle days, and I was rather fond of note-taking as a very instructive practice, whenever the case was an interesting one, and I found great benefit from it when the facility of taking an accurate and full note rapidly became of the greatest importance in the course of my after life at the Bar and on the Bench.
** Right Hon. Sir John T. Coleridge, &quot;Circuit Reminiscences.&quot; ''The Jur''. (N.S.) Vol. V. and VI., Part 2 (1869—1860), p.&amp;nbsp;377. See also post, Law Reports, 3, n.

* It is my province to lay down the law. Every lawyer knows that the law is the result of a great deal of learning.
** Erie, J., ''Queen v. Dowling'' (1848), 7 St. Tr. (N. S.) 438.

* The truth is . . . the old feudal law existing in England … is only being broken down slowly by legislation and decisions of the Court, and . . . still exists to a very great extent.
** Kay, J., ''Whitby v. Mitchell'' (1889), L. R. 42 C. D. 500.

* There is no positive law: Many things are bad by that, which otherwise were not.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''The law does not consist in particular instances, though it is explained by particular instances and rules, but the law consists of principles, which govern specific and individual cases, as they happen to arise.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''R. v. Bembridge'' (1783), 22 How. St. Tr. 155.

* That whom he could not by the sword destroy, he might supplant by the law.
** [[Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Baronet]], C.J., ''Sheffeild v. Ratcliffe'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 335.

* ''Contemporaria expositio legis est optima'', a contemporary exposition of a law, if there be any question about it, as our books tell us, is always the best, because the temper of the law-makers is then best known.
** Holt, C.J., ''Harcourt v. Fox'' (1693), Shower's Rep. 326.

* I am sorry to think, that Englishmen should seem to excuse themselves by ignorance of the law, which all subjects are bound to know, and are born to have the benefit of.
** Popham, C.J., ''Trial of Sir Christopher Blunt and others'' (1600), 1 How. St. Tr. 1450.

* He had no right to take the law into his own hands.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], ''Tarleton v. McGawley'' (1795), 2 Peake, N. P. Ca. 208.

* Every one must be supposed to be cognizant of a public law.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Smith v. Beadnell'' (1807), 1 Camp. 33.

* Every man (who is of sufficient understanding to be responsible for his actions) is supposed to be cognizant of the law, as it is the rule by which every subject of the kingdom is to be governed, and therefore it is his business to know it.
** Willes, J., ''King v. Shipley'' (1784), 3 Doug. 177.

* Every man must be taken to be cognizant of the law, otherwise there is no saying to what extent the excuse of ignorance may not be Law carried. It would be urged in almost every case.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Bilbie v. Lumley'' (1802), 2 East, 469.

* ''Ignorantia juris non excusat.'' The true meaning of that [[maxim]] is that parties cannot excuse themselves from liability from all civil or criminal consequences of their acts by alleging ignorance of the law, but there is no presumption that parties must be taken to know all the legal consequences of their acts, and especially where difficult questions of law, or of the practice of the Court are involved.
** Lord FitzGerald, ''Seaton v. Seaton'' (1888), L. R. 13 Ap. Ca. 78.

* A mere evasion, colour, disguise and device to evade the law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Sulfton v. Norton'' (1761), 3 Burr. Part IV., p.&amp;nbsp;1237.

* It has been said that ignorance of law is no excuse, but when the Court has a discretion the petitioner's ignorance of the law may be properly excused.
** Barnes, J., ''Whitworth v. Whitworth and Thomasson'' (1893), 62 L. J. Rep. P.C.C. (1893), p.&amp;nbsp;73.

* '''Very happily, the more the law is looked into, the more it appears founded in equity, reason, and good sense.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''James v. Price'' (1773), Lofft. 221.

* It being a maxim that three things are always favoured in law, life, liberty and dower.
** Per. Cur., ''Dumsday v. Hughes'' (1803), 3 Bos. and Pull. 456.

* ''Lex est sanctio jiista jubens honesta et prohibens contraria.&lt;br&gt;Lex est summa ratio.&lt;br&gt;Ratio est anima legis.&lt;br&gt;Nulla vetita ant turpia praesumuntur, sed contraria omnia legitima ataue honesta''.&lt;br&gt;'''The common lawe itselfe is nothing else but reason; which is to be understood of an artificiall perfection of reason, gotten by long study, observation, and of experience, and not of every man's natural reason'''; for ''nemo nascitur artifem''. This legall reason ''est summa ratio''. And therefore if all the reason that is dispersed into so many severall heads, were united into one, yet could he not make such a law as the law of England is, because by many successions of ages it hath been fined and refined by an infinite number of grave and learned men, and by long experience growne to such a perfection, for the gouvernment of this realme, as the old rule may be justly verified of it, ''neminem oportet esse sapientiorem legibus'': no man, out of his own private reason, ought to be wiser than the law, which is the perfection of reason.
** Lord [[Edward Coke]]'s Praise of the Law of England.

* It is true as a general proposition that knowledge of the law must be imputed to every person, but it would be too much to impute knowledge of this rule of equity; election as a question of intention of course implies knowledge.
** Lord Westbury, ''Spread v. Morgan'' (11 H. L. C. 602).

* The laws alone are they that always speak with all persons, high or low, in one and the same impartial voice. The law knows no favourites.
** Sir [[Robert Atkyns (judge)|Robert Atkyns]], L.C.B., ''Trial of Sir Edward Hales'' (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1206.

* The law would be a strange science if it rested solely upon Cases; and if after so large an increase of Commerce, Arts and Circumstances accruing, we must go to the time of Rich. I. to find a Case and see what is law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''It is far more important the law should be administered with absolute integrity, than that in this case or in that the law should be a good law or a bad one.'''
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 134.

* Every object and purpose of justice is effectually answered, and every supposed inconvenience is effectually rebutted by the law as it stands.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''King v. Woolf'' (1819), 1 Chit. 423.

* Sometimes rhetorical phrases are applied even by eminent Judges to propositions of law. In Lord Dungannon v. Smith [[Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux|Lord Brougham]] in eloquent language declared it as &quot;one of the corner stones of the law,&quot; and I understand the Lord Chancellor in the same case to have considered the decision in Jee v. Audley to be &quot;one of the landmarks.&quot;
** [[Joseph William Chitty]], J., ''In re Dawson''; ''Johnston v. Hill'' (1888), L. R. 39 C. D. 152.

* I cannot help thinking that where a person appeals to the Law of England, he must take his remedy according to the Law of England to which he has appealed.
** [[John Eardley Wilmot|Wilmot]], J., Robinson v. Bland (1760), 2 Burr. Part IV. 1084.

* '''The sparks of all the sciences in the world are raked up in the ashes of the law.'''
** Finche, L. b. 1, c. 3.

* The law is not apt to catch at actions.
** Powys, J., Ashby v. White (1703), 2 Ld. Raym. 944.

* '''It was nobly said in another place (I heard it with pleasure, and thought it becoming the dignity of the person who pronounced it, and the place in which it was pronounced) &quot;that the law is best applied, when it is subservient to the honesty of the case.&quot;'''
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Master v. Miller'' (1791), 4 T. R. 335.

* '''It is of very little consequence to the public to lay down definite rules of law, if you have indefinite rules of evidence.'''
** Thurlow, L.C., ''Fox. v. Mackreth'' (1788), 2 Cox, 320.

* It has been sometimes said, ''communis error facit jus''; but I say ''communis opinio'' is evidence of what the law is; not where it is an opinion merely floating and theoretical floating in the minds of persons but where it has been made the ground-work and substratum of practice.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Isherwood v. Oldknow'' (1815), 3M. &amp;S. (K. B. Rep.) 396, 397.

* '''Judges could by their resolution alter the practice, but never the law.'''
** [[Colin Blackburn, Baron Blackburn|Blackburn]], J., ''Reg. v. Charlesworth'' (1861), 9 Cox, C. C. 67.

* '''Law and conscience are one and the same.'''
** Bacon, J., ''Watson v. Watson'' (1670), Style's Rep. 56.

* The law is for the protection of the weak more than the strong.
** Erie, J., ''Reg v. Woolley'' (1850), 4 Cox, C. C. 196.

* The law protects nothing in that very respect, in which it is, at the same time, in the eye of the law, a crime.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Evans v. The Chamberlain of London'' (1720), (App. to Furneaux's Letters), 2 Burn's Eccl. Law, 207; Harrison v. Evans (in Error) 6 Bro. P. C. 181.

* '''The law of England will not sanction what is inconsistent with humanity.'''
** Best, J., ''Hott v. Wilkes'' (1820), 4 B. &amp; A. 319.

* The law rarely hesitates in declaring its own meaning; but the Judges are frequently puzzled to find out the meaning of others.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]] (1765), ''Commentaries'', Book III., Chapter 25, p.&amp;nbsp;336.

* '''The law does not act vindictively.'''
** Bacon, V.-C, ''Barrett v. Hammond'' (1879), L. R. 10 C. D. 289.

* '''The law has respect to human infirmity.'''
** Best, C.J., ''Robertson v. McDougall'' (1828), 4 Bing. 679.

* We cannot judge of the fact, but the law upon the fact.
** Pratt, J., ''Rex v. Inhabitantes de Haughton'' (1718), 1 Str. Rep. 84.

* As a lawyer I am before and above all things for the supremacy of law.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''The Queen v. Bishop of London'' (1889), L. R. 23 Q. B. 452.

* A Court has no right to strain the law because it causes hardship.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''Body v. Halse'' (1891) L. R. 1 Q. B. [1892], p.&amp;nbsp;207.

* Your lordships must look hardships in the face rather than break down the rules of law.
** Lord Eldon, C, ''Berkeley Peerage Case'' (1811), 4 Camp. 419.

* I would wish to do as much as possible for you; but I cannot strain the law.
** Earl of Clonwell, L.C.J., ''Jackson's Case'' (1795), 25 How. St. Tr. 879.

* '''It is a principle of law, that a person intends to do that which is the natural effect of what he does.'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Beckwith v. Wood and another'' (1817), 2 Starkie, 266.

* Hard cases, it is said, make bad law.
** Lord Campbell, C.J., ''Ex parte Long'' (1854), 3 W. R. 19.

* All arguments on the hardship of a case, either on one side or the other, must be rejected, when we are pronouncing what the law is; for such arguments are only quicksands in the law, and, if indulged, will soon swallow up every principle of it.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Yates v. Hall'', (1785), 1 T. R. 80.

* What I desire to point out is that I wish the law was not so, but that being the law, I must follow it.
** Romer, J., ''Davies v. Parry'' (1899), 1 L. R. C. D. 605.

* There is no worse torture than the torture of laws.
** Lord Bacon, folio edition, Vol. I. 440, 441.

* Hard cases, it has been frequently observed, are apt to introduce bad law.
** Wolfe, B., Winterbottom v. Wright (1842), 10 Meeson k Welsby, 116.

* General laws cannot give way to particular cases.
** [[William Henry Ashurst (judge)|William Henry Ashurst]], King v. The College of Physicians (1797), 7 T. R. 290.

* We must not, by any whimsical conceits supposed to be adapted to the altering fashions of the times, overturn the established law of the land: it descended to us as a sacred charge, and it is our duty to preserve it.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., Clayton v. Adams (1796), 6 T. R. 605.

* We must proceed according to evidence, and forms and methods of law; they may think what they will of me, but I will always declare my mind according to my conscience.
** Wright, L.C.J., ''Trial of the Seven Bishops'' (1688), 12 How. St. Tr. 344.

* '''The law of England is a law of [[liberty]].'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''William Cobbett's Case'' (1804), 24 How. St. Tr. 49.

* ''Lex Anglite est lex misericordite''. '''The law of England is a law of [[mercy]].'''
** Coke, 2 Inst. 315.

* If the law be thought to be improper or inconvenient, application to correct it must be made elsewhere, and not to those who are bound by the repeated and solemn judgments of their predecessors.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Bishop of London v. Ffytche'' (1800), 1 East, 495.

* No person is less disposed than I am to accommodate the law to the particular convenience of the case: but I am always glad when I find the strict law and the justice of the case going hand in hand together.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''Peaceable v. Read and others'' (1801), 1 East. 573.

* I agree that is the law, though I think it is a hard law; but we have nothing to do with the question of hardship.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''In re Perkins'' (1890), L. R. 24 Q. B. D. 618.

* ''Anglite jura in omni catu libertatis dant favorem'': The laws of England in every case of liberty are favourable.
** Fortescue c. 42.

* What is ridiculous and absurd never is, to my mind, to be adopted either in law or in equity.
** Brett, M.R., In re Garnett; Gandy v. Macaulay (1885), L. R. 31 C. D. 9.

* '''I think the law is generally reasonable.'''
** Cotton, L.J., Bidder v. Bridges (1887), L. J. 57 C. D. 304.

* Now when a rule of law which is against principle is alleged to be established, there are two points to be considered; first of all, was any such rule of law ever laid down by any Judge? That is the first point to be decided; and secondly, if it was so laid down, has it passed into a binding rule of law ?—that is, has it been so recognised and dealt with by subsequent Judges as to prevent a Judge of a tribunal of co-ordinate jurisdiction from saying that the decision is contrary to the course of law, and is not binding upon him.
** Jessel, M.R., ''Henty v. Wrey'' (1882), L. R. 21 C. D. 340.

* '''The picture of law triumphant and justice prostrate, is not, I am aware, without admirers. To me it is a sorry spectacle.''' The spirit of justice does not reside in formalities, or words, nor is the triumph of its administration to be found in successfully picking a way between the pitfalls of technicality. After all, the law is, or ought to be, but the handmaid of justice, and inflexibility, which is the most becoming robe of the latter, often serves to render the former grotesque. But '''any real inroad upon the rights and opportunities for defence of a person charged with a breach of the law, whereby the certainty of justice might be imperilled, I conceive to be a matter of the highest moment.'''
** [[James Wilde, 1st Baron Penzance|Lord Penzance]], ''Combe v. Edwards'' (1878), L. R. 3 P. D. 142.

* Whatever disadvantages attach to a system of unwritten law, and of these we are fully sensible, it has at least this advantage, that its elasticity enables those who administer it to adapt it to the varying conditions of society, and to the requirements and habits of the age in which we live, so as to avoid the inconsistencies and injustice which arise when the law is no longer in harmony with the wants and usages and interests of the generation to which it is immediately applied.
** [[Sir Alexander Cockburn, 12th Baronet]], C.J., ''Wason v. Walter'' (1868), L. R. 4 Q. B. 93.

* '''You say well: the law of God is the law of England; and you have heard no law else, but what is consonant to the law of reason, which is the best law of God; and here is none else urged against you.'''
** Keble, C.J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1307.

* God made man, and gave him a law to live by; and the laws of England are grounded on the laws of God: and in the laws of England every man is concerned.
** Garmond, J., Streater's Case (1653), 5 How. St. Tr. 387.

* Personally, I detest any attempt to bring the law into maxims. Maxims are invariably wrong, that is, they are so general and large that they always include something which is not intended to be included.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''Yarmouth v. France'' (1887), L. J. 57 Q. B. 9.

* Remind him as always to keep his Legions intact, for they make the law legal.
** [[w:Rex Harrison|Reginald &quot;Rex&quot; Harrison]] as Caesar, [[w:Cleopatra (1963 movie)|Cleopatra]] (1963), around 6th minute of Act I

* There is no other power in England, but a legal power to punish according to law.
** Holt, C.J., ''Duncombe's Case'' (1699), 13 How. St. Tr. 1077.

* Retrospective laws are, primd facie of questionable policy, and contrary to the general principle that legislation by which the conduct of mankind is to be regulated ought, when introduced for the first time, to deal with future acts, and ought not to change the character of past transactions carried on upon the faith of the then existing law. Leges et constitutiones futuris certum est dare formam negotiis non ad facta proBterita revocari; nisi nominatim et de praiterito tempore et adhuc pendentibus negotiis cautum sit.
** Willes, J., ''Phillips v. Eyre'' (1870), L. R. 6 Q. B. 23.

* Whatever place becomes the habitation of civilized men, there the laws of decency must be inforced.
** McDonald, C.B., ''Rex v. Crunden'' (1809), 2 Camp. 89.

* There is no law whatsoever but may be dispensed with by the Supreme Law-giver; as the laws of God may be dispensed with by God himself; as it appears by God's command to Abraham, to offer up his son Isaac: so likewise the law of man may be dispensed with by the legislator, for a law may either be too wide or too narrow, and there may be many cases which may be out of the conveniences which did induce the law to be made; for it is impossible for the wisest lawmaker to foresee all the cases that may be, or are to be remedied, and therefore there must be a power somewhere, able to dispense with these laws.
** Herbert, C.J., Hale's Case (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1196.

* ''Nova constitutio futuris formam impomere debet non praeteritis'': A new state of the law ought to affect the future, not the past.
** 2 Inst. 292.

* ''Lex prospicit non respicit'': The law looks forward, not backward.
** Jenk. Cent. 284.

* ''Omnis nova eonstitutio futuris temporibus formam imponere debet, non prateritis'': Every new enactment should affect future, not past times.
** 2 Inst. 95.

* ''Leges posteriores priores, contrarias abrogant''
** Subsequent laws repeal prior contrary laws.
** 11 Co. 626.

* If the law be so, there must be some just and honest reason for it, or else some universal settled rule of law upon which it is grounded.
** Holt, C.J., Coggs v. Bernard (1704), Raym. 909.

* If it is law, it will be found in our books. If it is not to be found there, it is not law.
** Camden, L.C.J., Case of Seizure of Papers (1765), 19 How. St. Tr. 1066.

* You were speaking of the laws being in other tongues; those that we try you by are in English; and we proceed in English against you; and therefore you have no cause to complain.
** Michel, J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1311.

* The laws of England will protect the rights of British subjects, and give a remedy for a grievance committed by one British subject upon another, in whatever country that may be done.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''Forbes v. Cochrane and Cockburn'' (1824), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 159.

* A residence in a new country often introduces a change of legal condition, which imposes rights and obligations totally inconsistent with the former rights and obligations of the same persons.
** Lord Stowell, ''The Slave Grace'' (1827), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 289; 2 Hagg. 94.

* The law of nature is that which God at the time of creation of the nature of man infused into his heart, for his preservation and direction; and this is lex ceterna, the moral law, called also the law of nature. And by this law, written with the finger of God in the heart of man, were the people of God a long time governed, before the law was written by [[Moses]], who was the first reporter or writer of law in the world.
** Lord Coke, ''Calvin's Case'' (1608), 4 Co. 21.

* ''De non apparentibus, et noti existentibia, eadem est ratio'': Things which do not appear are to be treated as the same as those which do not exist.
** Co.

* Shew me any law for that if you can, Mr. Williams, I know you are a lawyer.
** Jefferies, L.C.J., ''Trial of John Hampden'' (1684), 9 How. St. Tr. 1057.

* Every moral man is as much bound to obey the civil law of the land as the law of nature.
** Eooke, J., ''Aubert v. Maze'' (1801), 1 Bos. &amp; Pull. 375.

* If a man endeavours to obtain a repeal of those laws, which are conceived to be obnoxious, or the introduction of any laws which he believes to be salutary, if he does that legally, there is no objection to it.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''R. v. Hunt and others'' (1820), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 484.

* It would be of ill-consequence, to authenticate a body of laws, that have lain dormant for two hundred years.
** Foster, J., ''The King v. Bishop of Ely'' (1750), 1 Black. Rep. 59.

* Legality and oppression are not unknown to run hand in hand.
** [[Henry Hawkins, 1st Baron Brampton|Hawkins]], J., ''Roberts v. Jones; Willey v. Great Northern Railway Co.'' (1891), L. R. 2 Q. B. [1891], p.&amp;nbsp;203.

* The law has prescribed a particular method, and we cannot alter the law, nor prevent the inconveniences.
** Holt, C.J., ''Tawney's Case'' (1703), 2 Raym. 1013.

* '''Necessity is the law of the time and action, and things are lawful by necessity, which otherwise are not'''; &quot;''Quicguid necessitas cogit, defendit''&quot;; and the law of the time must regulate the law of the place in such public things.
** [[w:Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow| Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow]], ''[[w:John Hampden|Hampden]]'s Case'' (1637), 3 How. St. Tr. 927.

* It is a public scandal when the law is forced to uphold a dishonest act.
** Lord [[Edward Macnaghten, Baron Macnaghten|Macnaghten‎]], ''Nordenfelt v. Maxim Nordenfelt &amp;c. Co.'' (1894), L. R. App. Ca. Part 5, p.&amp;nbsp;573.

* Sans fact conus, est impossible de seier la ley sur cest fact: Without a known fact, it is impossible to know the law on that fact.
** Vaughan, J., ''Bushel's Case'' (1670), Jones's (Sir Thos.) Rep. 16.

* ''Necessitas est lex temporis et loci''
** '''Necessity is the law of time and place.'''
** ''Hale's V. C.'' 54.

* '''The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.'''
** Per Cur., ''Manby v. Scott'' (1672), 1 Levinz, 4; 2 Sm. L. C. (8th ed.) 446.

==''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989)==
* He that keepeth the law of the Lord getteth the understanding thereof: and the perfection of the fear of the Lord is wisdom.
** The Bible (Apocrypha), Ecclesiasticus 21:11.

* If you like laws and sausages, you should never watch either one being made.
** Widely attributed to [[Otto von Bismarck]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* So great moreover is the regard of the law for private property, that it will not authorize the least violation of it; no, not even for the general good of the whole community.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries on the Laws of England'' (1783, reprinted 1978), 9th ed., book 1, chapter 1, section 3, p. 139.

* Law never ''is'', but is always about to be.
** [[Benjamin Cardozo]], lecture to Yale Law School, 1921; ''The Nature of the Judicial Process'' (1921), lecture 3, p. 126.

* There is no jewel in the world comparable to learning; no learning so excellent both for Prince and subject, as knowledge of laws; and no knowledge of any laws (I speak of human) so necessary for all estates and for all causes, concerning goods, lands or life, as the common laws of England.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Le Second Part Des Reportes Del Edward Coke'' (1600–1659), p. vi . Spelling modernized, as reported in ''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989).

* Good men must not obey the laws too well.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'', in ''The Complete Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1929), vol. 1, p. 300.

* Republics abound in young civilians who believe that the laws make the city, that grave modifications of the policy and modes of living and employments of the population, that commerce, education and religion may be voted in or out; and that any measure, though it were absurd, may be imposed on a people if only you can get sufficient voices to make it a law. But the wise know that foolish legislation is a rope of sand which perishes in the twisting; that the State must follow and not lead the character and progress of the citizen; that the form of government which prevails is the expression of what cultivation exists in the population which permits it. The law is only a memorandum.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'' in ''The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1903), vol. 3, p. 199–200.

* It cannot be helped, it is as it should be, that the law is behind the times.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], speech at Harvard Law School Association of New York, New York City (February 15, 1913); ''Speeches by Oliver Wendell Holmes'' (1934), p. 101.

* It is revolting to have no better reason for a rule of law than that so it was laid down in the time of Henry IV.
**[[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], associate justice, supreme court of Massachusetts, address delivered at the dedication of the new hall of Boston University School of Law, Boston, Massachusetts (January 8, 1897), Holmes, ''Address Delivered at the Dedication…'' (1897), p. 18.

* The laws of God, the laws of man,&lt;br&gt;He may keep that will and can;&lt;br&gt;Not I: let God and man decree&lt;br&gt;Laws for themselves and not for me;&lt;br&gt;And if my ways are not as theirs&lt;br&gt;Let them mind their own affairs.
** [[A. E. Housman]], &quot;The laws of God, the laws of man&quot;, line 1–6, ''Last Poems'', in ''The Collected Poems'' (1967), p. 79.

* A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John B. Colvin (September 20, 1810), in Paul L. Ford, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1898), vol. 9, p. 279.

* There is, therefore, only one [[categorical imperative]]. It is: Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals'' (1969), trans. Lewis W. Beck, ed. Robert P. Wolff, section 2, p. 44.

* Because just as good morals, if they are to be maintained, have need of the laws, so the laws, if they are to be observed, have need of good morals.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Discourses on the First Decade of Titus Livius'' (1965), trans. Allan Gilbert, book 1, chapter 18, p. 241.

* It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is to-day, can guess what it will be to-morrow.
** [[James Madison]] (?), ''The Federalist'', ed. Benjamin F. Wright (1961), no. 62, p. 411–12.

== See also ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[Agency theory]]
* [[Antinomianism]]
*[[Atonement]]
* [[Autonomy]]
*[[Corruption]]
* [[Dharma]]
* [[Golden Rule]]
* [[Government]]
* [[Halakha]]
* [[International Criminal Court]]
* [[International law]]
* [[Judges]]
* [[Justice]]
{{col-2}}
*[[Karma]]
* [[Lawyers]]
* [[Legislators]]
* [[Legislature]]
* [[Rational-legal authority]]
* [[Reincarnation]]
* [[Rule of law|Rule of Law]]
* [[Rules]]
* [[Sharia]]
* [[State]]
*[[Tyranny]]
{{col-end}}
== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|law}}
{{Social and political philosophy}}
[[Category:Law| ]]
[[bg:Закон — Законодателство — Законотворци]]
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[[fa:قانون]]</text>
      <sha1>q81b9b7zhdsb9ef67u8eyljmf9arixk</sha1>
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      <text bytes="142510" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Speyer (DerHexer) 2010-12-19 051.jpg|thumb|The law, in its [[majestic]] [[equality]], forbids the [[rich]] as well as the [[poor]] to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to [[steal]] bread. ~ [[Anatole France]] ]]
'''[[w:Law|Law]]''' is a term referring to sociological or scientific norms, or established systems of expression based upon them. In social or political terms, the [[rule of law]] refers to a [[system]] of [[rules]] created and [[w:Law enforcement|enforced]] through [[Social institutions|social]] or {{w|governmental institutions}} to regulate [[Human behavior|behavior]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anonymous]] · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' ·  ''[[#The Dictionary of Legal Quotations (1904)|Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Legal&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Respectfully Quoted (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted]]''}}

== A==
[[File:Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne.jpg|thumb|'''An unjust law is no law at all.''' ~ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ]]
[[File:Aung_San_Suu_Kyi_December_2011_(cropped).jpg|thumb|The Universal Declaration of Human Rights recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the rule of law. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] ]]

* The more [[corrupt]] a [[society]], the more numerous its laws.
** [[Edward Abbey]], ''A Voice Crying in the Wilderness (Vox Clamantis in Deserto)'' (1990).

* A government of laws and not of men.
** [[John Adams]], &quot;Novanglus Papers&quot;, no. 7. Reported in Charles Francis Adams, ed., ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 106. Adams published articles in 1774 in the Boston, Massachusetts, ''Gazette'' using the pseudonym &quot;Novanglus&quot;. In this paper he credited James Harrington with expressing the idea this way. Harrington described government as &quot;the empire of laws and not of men&quot; in his 1656 work, ''The Commonwealth of Oceana'' (1771), p. 35. The phrase gained wider currency when Adams used it in the Massachusetts Constitution, Bill of Rights, article 30 (1780). ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 230.

* Law is [[king]] of all.
** [[Henry Alford]], ''School of the Heart'' (1835), Lesson 6.

* Law is a Bottomless-Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy, that devours every thing.
** [[John Arbuthnot]], in Alan W. Bower and Robert A. Erickson, eds., ''The History of John Bull'' (1976 [first published in 1712]), chapter 6, p. 10.

* Law is order, and good law is good order.
** [[Aristotle]] ''Politics'' Book VII, 1326.a29.

* Surely we will not dare say that these laws are unjust, or rather, that they are not laws at all. For it seems to me that an unjust law is no law at all.
**[[Augustine of Hippo]], ''On Free Choice of the Will'', as translated by Thomas Williams (1993) [http://books.google.com/books?id=axCM5xaDKZ0C&amp;pg=PA8&amp;lpg=PA8 p. 8].

* The [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the [[rule of law]]. That just laws which uphold human rights are the necessary foundation of peace and security would be denied only by closed minds which interpret peace as the silence of all opposition and security as the assurance of their own power.
** [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], [http://www.ibiblio.org/obl/docs3/In_Quest_of_Democracy-ocr.pdf ''In Quest of Democracy''] (1991).

==B==
[[File:Buste-bastiat.JPG|thumb|When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. ~ [[Frédéric Bastiat]]]]
[[File:Iustitia van Heemskerck.png|thumb|A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people. ~ [[Ambrose Bierce]] ]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]]. ~ [[Louis Brandeis]]] ]]

* ''La loi est bonne, elle est nécessaire, l'exécution en est mauvaise, et les mœurs jugent les lois d'après la manière dont elles s'exécutent.''
** The law is good, it is necessary, its execution is poor, and the manners judge the laws based on the manner in which they are executed.
*** [[Honoré de Balzac]], ''Splendeurs et Misères des courtisanes'' (1838-1847), part 3, ''Où mènent les mauvais chemins'' (''The Ends of Evil Ways''), &quot;Ce qu'est un juge d'instruction pour ceux qui n'en ont pas&quot; (&quot;What a Judge Is for Those Who Do Not Have One&quot;) (title of the chapter).

* ''Lorsque la Spoliation est devenue le moyen d’existence d’une agglomération d’hommes unis entre eux par le lien social, ils se font bientôt une loi qui la sanctionne, une morale qui la glorifie.''
** When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.
*** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Economic Sophisms'', 2nd series (1848), ch. 1 Physiology of plunder (&quot;Sophismes économiques&quot;, 2ème série (1848), chap. 1 &quot;Physiologie de la spoliation&quot;).

* You would oppose law to [[socialism]]. But it is the law which socialism invokes. It aspires to legal, not extra-legal plunder…. You wish to prevent it from taking any part in the making of laws. You would keep it outside the Legislative Palace. In this you will not succeed, I venture to prophesy, so long as legal plunder is the basis of the legislation within.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It is absolutely necessary that this question of legal plunder should be determined, and there are only three solutions of it:—&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. When the few plunder the many.&lt;br&gt;2. When everybody plunders everybody else.&lt;br&gt;3. When nobody plunders anybody.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder, universal plunder, absence of plunder, amongst these we have to make our choice. The law can only produce one of these results.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder.—This is the system which prevailed so long as the elective privilege was partial; a system which is resorted to, to avoid the invasion of socialism.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Universal plunder.—We have been threatened by this system when the elective privilege has become universal; the masses having conceived the idea of making law, on the principle of legislators who had preceded them.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Absence of plunder.—This is the principle of justice, peace, order, stability, conciliation, and of good sense.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Essays on Political Economy'' (c. 1850s), part 4, &quot;The Law&quot;, p. 20.

* Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''The Law'' (1850)

* Any law that takes hold of a man's daily life cannot prevail in a community, unless the vast majority of the community are actively in favor of it. The laws that are the most operative are the laws which protect life.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], &quot;Civil Law and the Sabbath&quot; (sermon delivered December 3, 1882); reported in ''Plymouth Pulpit'' (1883), vol. 5 (new series), p. 416.

* When laws, customs, or institutions cease to be beneficial to man, they cease to be obligatory.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Life Thoughts'' (1858), p. 34.

*The Invariability of Law. That we live in a realm of law, that we arc surrounded by laws that we cannot break, this is a truism. Yet when the fact is recognised in a real and vital way, and when it is seen to be a fact in the mental and moral world as much as in the physical, a certain sense of helplessness is apt to overpower us, as though we felt ourselves in the grip of some mighty Power, that, seizing us, whirls us away whither it will.  The very reverse of this is in reality the case, for the mighty Power, when it is understood, will obediently carry us whither we will; all forces in Nature can be used in proportion as they are understood  “Nature is conquered by obedience ” — and her resistless energies are at our bidding as soon as we, by knowledge, work with them and not  against them. We can choose out of her boundless stores the forces that serve our purpose in momentum, in direction, and so on, and their very invariability becomes the guarantee of our success. p. 6
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*On the invariability of law depend the security of scientific experiment, and all power of planning a result and of predicting the future. On this the chemist rests, sure that Nature will ever respond in the same way, if he be precise in putting his questions. A variation in his results is taken by him as implying a change in his procedure, not a change in Nature. And so with all human action; the more it is based on knowledge, the more secure is it in its forecastings, for all “accident&quot; is the result of ignorance, and is due to the working of laws whose presence was unknown or overlooked. In the mental and moral worlds, as much as in the physical, results can be foreseen, planned for, calculated on. Nature never betrays us; we are betrayed by our own blindness. p. 7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'',  by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*That law should be as invariable in the mental and moral worlds as in the physical is to be expected, since the universe is the emanation of the One, and what we call Law is but the expression of the Divine Nature. As there is one Lite emanating all, so there is one Law sustaining all ; the worlds rest on this rock of the Divine Nature as on a secure, immutable foundation.  p.7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

* This assurance that '''perfect Justice rules the world''' finds support from the increasing knowledge of the evolving Soul; for as it advances and begins to see on higher planes and to transmit its knowledge to the waking consciousness, we learn with ever-growing certainty, and therefore with ever-increasing joy, that the Good Law is working with undeviating accuracy, that its Agents apply it everywhere with unerring insight, with unfailing strength, and that all is therefore very well with the world and with its struggling Souls. 
**[[Annie Besant]], Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant (1895) 

* Such is an outline of the great Law of [[Karma]] and of its workings, by a knowledge of which a man may accelerate his evolution, by the utilization of which a man may free himself from bondage, and become, long ere his race has trodden its course, one of the Helpers and Saviours of the World. A deep and steady conviction of the truth of this Law gives to life an immovable serenity and a perfect fearlessness: nothing can touch us that we have not wrought, nothing can injure us that we have not merited. And as everything that we have sown must ripen into harvest in due season, and must be reaped, it is idle to lament over the reaping when it is painful; it may as well be done now as at any future time, since it cannot be evaded, and, once done, it cannot return to trouble us again. 
**[[Annie Besant]], ''Karma'', (1895) Ch. XIII, Conclusion

* Ere man could know what was right, he had to learn the existence of the law, and this he could only learn by following all that attracted him in the outer world, by grasping every desirable object, and then by learning from experience, sweet or bitter, whether his delight was in harmony or in conflict with the law. Let us take an obvious example, the taking of pleasant food, and see how infant man might learn there from the presence of a natural law. At the first taking, his hunger was appeased, his taste was gratified, and only pleasure resulted from the experience, for his action was in harmony with law. On another occasion, desiring to increase pleasure, he ate overmuch and suffered in consequence, for he transgressed against the law. A confusing experience to the dawning intelligence, how the pleasurable became painful by excess.
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* Over and over again he would be led by desire into excess, and each time he would experience the painful consequences, until at last he learned moderation, i.e., he learned to conform his bodily acts in this respect to physical law; for he found that there were conditions which affected him and which he could not control, and that only by observing them could physical happiness be insured. Similar experiences flowed in upon him through all the bodily organs, with undeviating regularity; his outrushing desires brought him pleasure or pain just as they worked with the laws of Nature or against them, and, as experience increased, it began to guide his steps, to influence his choice. It was not as though he had to begin his experience anew with every life, for on each [[Reincarnation|new birth]] he brought with him mental faculties a little increased, and ever-accumulating store.  
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]]. 'Industrial Discontent', ''The Shadow on the Dial and other Essays'' (1909).

* The law is not a &quot;light&quot; for you or any man to see by; the law is not an instrument of any kind. The law is a causeway upon which so long as he keeps to it a citizen may walk safely.
** [[Robert Bolt]], ''A Man for All Seasons'' (1967), act II, p. 92. Sir Thomas More is speaking.

* ''Wo wir unfähig sind, die Gesetze der Notwendigkeit zu erkennen, da glauben wir, frei zu sein.''
** When we are incapable of recognizing the laws of necessity, we believe ourselves to be free.
*** [[w:Ludwig Börne|Ludwig Börne]], as quoted in ''Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists'' (2007) by James Geary, p. 16.
**** Variant translation: Wherever it is impossible for us to recognize the law of necessity, we believe we are free.

*'''[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.'''
** Justice [[Louis Brandeis]] ''The Living Law'', 10 Illinois Law Review 461, 467 (1915-16).

* '''If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]].'''
** Justice [[Louis Brandeis]], dissenting; ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=CASE&amp;court=US&amp;vol=277&amp;page=438 277 U.S. 438, (1928)].

*'''The law is simply and solely made for the exploitation of those who do not understand it or of those who, for naked need, cannot obey it.'''
**[[Bertolt Brecht]], ''The Threepenny Opera'' Act 3, scene 1, p. 74, character of Polly Peachum

* As in elections, the law pretended universal rights, while securing the interests of powerful houses.
** [[David Brin]], ''[[w:Glory Season|Glory Season]]'' (1993), chapter 27.

* Our wrangling lawyers ... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think they will plead their clients' causes hereafter, some of them in hell.
** [[Robert Burton]], ''The Anatomy of Melancholy'' (1621), ''Democritus to the Reader''.

* Your [[w:Pettifog|pettifoggers]] damn their souls,&lt;br&gt;To share with knaves in cheating [[fools]].
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto I, line 515.

* Is not the winding up witnesses,&lt;br&gt;And nicking, more than half the bus'ness?&lt;br&gt;For witnesses, like watches, go&lt;br&gt;Just as they're set, too fast or slow;&lt;br&gt;And where in Conscience they're strait-lac'd,&lt;br&gt;'Tis ten to one that side is cast.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto II, line 359.

==C==
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its commands, and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. ~ [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]] ]]
[[File:United_States_Declaration_of_Independence.jpg|thumb|It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]] ]]

* An unconstitutional act is not law; it confers no rights; it imposes no duties; affords no protection; it creates no office; it is in legal contemplation, as inoperative as though it had never been passed.
** J. Chase, writing the opinion in ''Norton vs. Shelby County'', 118 U.S. 425, p. 442.

* A world contrary to God must be kept within bounds by the world’s sword. But true Christians love God and their neighbors as themselves; they commit no evil by the grace of God. It is not necessary to compel them to goodness since they know better what is good than the law imposing [[authority]].
** [[Petr Chelčický]], ''Net of Faith'' (1443),  E. Molnár, trans. (1947), Chapter 95.

* For there is but one essential [[justice]] which cements [[society]], and one law which establishes this justice. This law is right [[reason]], which is the true [[rule]] of all commandments and prohibitions. Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is [[Necessity|necessarily]] unjust and wicked.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], [[w:De Legibus|''De Legibus (On the Laws)'']], [http://books.google.com/books?id=SRwYAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22For+There+is+but+one+essential+justice+which+cements+society+and+one+law+which+establishes+this+justice+This+law+is+right+reason+which+is+the+true+rule+of+all+commandments+and+prohibitions+Whoever+neglects+this+law+whether+written+or+unwritten+is+necessarily+unjust+and+wicked%22&amp;pg=PA417#v=onepage Book I, Chapter XV] (translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]]).

* True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its [[commands]], and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. And it does not lay its commands or prohibitions upon good men in vain, though neither have any effect on the wicked. It is a [[sin]] to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it. And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, God, over us all, for he is the author of this law, its promulgator, and its enforcing [[judge]]. Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his human nature, and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst penalties, even if he escapes what is commonly considered punishment.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], ''De Re Publica'' (''The Republic''), book 3, paragraph 22; in ''De Re Publica, De Legibus'', trans. Clinton W. Keyes (1943), p. 211.

* I think it can be shown that the law makes ten criminals where it restrains one.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/etf.html  &quot;The Economic Tendency of Freethought&quot; in ''Liberty'', Vol. XI, #25 (15 February 1890)].

* Everyone should be respected by the law, and everyone should respect the law.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], First presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (September 26, 2016).

*Men do not make laws. They do but discover them. Laws must be justified by something more than the will of the majority. They must rest on the eternal foundation of righteousness. That state is most fortunate in its form of government which has the aptest instruments for the discovery of law.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], to the Massachusetts State Senate, January 7, 1914

* It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], &quot;[[s:Calvin Coolidge's Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence|Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence]]&quot;, 5 July 1926.

*The great [[Law of Cause and Effect]] (the Law of Karma in the East) and the connected [[Reincarnation|Law of Rebirth]] [are] the basic laws of our... existence. The correct understanding and following of these two laws are prerequisites for the creation of harmlessness in every sphere of our lives and thus also for the creation of right human relations, itself the prerequisite for human happiness.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_Art_of_Living:_Living_within_the_Laws_of_Life_(2006)|''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'']], (2006)

* If we do not know that there are laws and rules, we end up as we are today and at all times previously, in a mess, a catastrophic situation, totally out of kilter
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Life proceeds under law. Simple and obvious as it appears, it is something which has been left out of the equation. How many people, how many philosophers writing about the meaning and purpose of life, write about reincarnation as one of the laws, the Great Law of life? It is only in the esoteric teaching that the Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is realized for what it is... The Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is the Great Law governing all of our existence. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Every thought, every action we make sets into motion a cause. The effects stemming from these causes make our lives for good or ill. We do it to ourselves. Because this Law substands the human condition on planet Earth, we are bound by it. There is nothing we can do about it except be harmless.  If you are harmless, you obey the Law. If you create right action, therefore, from right action can come only right reaction. But nine times out of ten, given the chance, humanity has created wrong action. We have always made wars. We have always stolen. We have always been greedy, selfish and complacent... Hence the fact that we have a world that is destructive. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Necessity hath no law. Feigned necessities, imagined necessities... are the greatest cozenage that men can put upon the Providence of God, and make pretenses to break known rules by.
** [[Oliver Cromwell]], in a speech to the First Protectorate Parliament (12 September 1654).

==D==
[[File:Roque Dalton (1969).jpg|thumb|Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.&lt;br&gt;~ [[Roque Dalton]]]]
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous [[Necessity]]— by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are [[miracles]]. ~ [[Leonardo da Vinci]] ]]

* Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous Necessity — by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are miracles.
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], in speaking of the pupil of the eye in ''The Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci'', Vol. I, as translated by Jean Paul Richter (1888).

*''Las leyes son para que las cumplan&lt;br&gt;los pobres.&lt;br&gt;Las leyes son hechas por los ricos&lt;br&gt;para poner un poco de orden a la explotación.&lt;br&gt;Los pobres son los únicos cumplidores de leyes de la historia.&lt;br&gt;Cuando los pobres hagan las leyes&lt;br&gt;ya no habrá ricos''.
**Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.
*** [[Roque Dalton]], ''Poema de Amor''

* Make every private Sentinel, every Musquetier, both Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
** [[Daniel Defoe]], &quot;Memoirs of the Church of Scotland&quot; (1717).

* The law of [[Jehovah]] is perfect, restoring strength. The reminder of Jehovah is trustworthy, making the inexperienced one wise.
** [[David]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/19/19#h=331:0-333:0 Psalm 19:7], [[New World Translation]].
*Law can only prohibit such actions as are hurtful to society. Nothing may be prevented which is not forbidden by law, and no one may be forced to do anything not provided for by law.
**''Declaration of the Rights of Man'', France 1789, Fourth
* &quot;If the law supposes that,&quot; said Mr. Bumble, &quot;the law is a ass, a idiot.&quot; If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is that his eye may be opened by experience—by experience&quot;.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Oliver Twist'' (first published serially 1837–1839; 1970 edition), chapter 51, p. 489.

* The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1853).

* If it's near dinner time, the foreman takes out his watch when the jury have retired and says: &quot;Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen.&quot; &quot;So do I,&quot; says everybody else except two men who ought to have dined at three, and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts up his watch: &quot;Well, gentlemen, what do we say? Plaintiff, defendant, gentlemen? I rather think so far as I am concerned, gentlemen — I say I rather think — but don't let that influence you — I rather think the plaintiff's the man.&quot; Upon this two or three other men are sure to say they think so too — as of course they do; and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' business. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets. 
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Nicholas Nickleby]]'' (1838-1839), Chapter XLVI. 

*I know it is said that marital alliance between these races is unnatural, abhorrent and impossible; but exclamations of this kind only shake the air. They prove nothing against a stubborn fact like that which confronts us daily and which is open to the observation of all. If this blending of the two races were impossible we should not have at least one-fourth of our colored population composed of persons of mixed blood, ranging all the way from a dark-brown color to the point where there is no visible admixture. Besides, it is obvious to common sense that there is no need of the passage of laws, or the adoption of other devices, to prevent what is in itself impossible.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-future-of-the-colored-race/ &quot;The Future of the Colored Race&quot;] (May 1886).

* We live in and by the law. It makes us what we are: citizens and employees and doctors and spouses and people who own things. It is sword, shield, and menace: we insist on our wage, or refuse to pay our rent, or are forced to forfeit penalties, or are closed up in jail, all in the name of what our abstract and ethereal sovereign, the law, has decreed. And we ''argue'' about what it has decreed, even when the books that are supposed to record its commands and directions are silent; we act then as if law had muttered its doom, too low to be heard distinctly. We are subjects of law's empire, liegemen to its methods and ideals, bound in spirit while we debate what we must therefore do.
** [[Ronald Dworkin]], Preface to ''Law's Empire'' (1986).

==E==
&lt;!--[[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|They constantly try to escape//From the darkness outside and within//By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good. ~ [[T. S. Eliot]]]]--&gt;
[[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|right|thumb|If a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just. ~ [[Epicurus]]]]

* They constantly try to escape
:From the darkness outside and within
:By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good.
:* [[T. S. Eliot]], ''The Rock''.

* ''' Among the things held to be just by law, whatever is proved to be of advantage in men's dealings has the stamp of justice, whether or not it be the same for all; but '''if a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just.''' And if what is mutually advantageous varies and only for a [[time]] corresponds to our concept of justice, nevertheless for that time it is just for those who do not trouble themselves about empty [[words]], but look simply at the [[facts]].''' 
** [[Epicurus]], Number 37 of the 40 &quot;Sovran Maxims&quot; (or &quot;Sovereign Maxims), or [http://classics.mit.edu/Epicurus/princdoc.html &quot;Principal Doctrines&quot; as translated by Robert Drew Hicks]

* * '''We look upon this shaken Earth, and we declare our firm and fixed purpose — the building of a peace with justice in a world where moral law prevails. The building of such a peace is a bold and solemn purpose. To proclaim it is easy. To serve it will be hard.''' And to attain it, we must be aware of its full meaning — and ready to pay its full price. We know clearly what we seek, and why. We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. And now, as in no other age, we seek it because we have been warned, by the power of modern weapons, that peace may be the only climate possible for human life itself. Yet this peace we seek cannot be born of fear alone: it must be rooted in the lives of nations. '''There must be justice, sensed and shared by all peoples, for, without justice the world can know only a tense and unstable truce. There must be law, steadily invoked and respected by all nations, for without law, the world promises only such meager justice as the pity of the strong upon the weak. But the law of which we speak, comprehending the values of freedom, affirms the equality of all nations, great and small. Splendid as can be the blessings of such a peace, high will be its cost: in toil patiently sustained, in help honorably given, in sacrifice calmly borne.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[s:Dwight Eisenhower's Second Inaugural Address|Second Inaugural Address (21 January 1957)]]

==F==
[[File:American law digests.jpg|thumb|If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then tyranny. ~ [[Felix Frankfurter]] ]]

* ''La majestueuse égalité des lois, qui interdit au riche comme au pauvre de coucher sous les ponts, de mendier dans les rues et de voler du pain.''
** In its majestic equality, the law forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets and steal loaves of bread.
*** [[Anatole France]], ''[http://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Le_Lys_rouge/VII Le Lys Rouge]'' [The Red Lily] (1894), ch. 7
**** Variant: How noble the law, in its majestic equality, that both the rich and poor are equally prohibited from peeing in the streets, sleeping under bridges, and stealing bread!

* If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then [[tyranny]]. Legal process is an essential part of the democratic process.
** [[Felix Frankfurter]], concurring, ''United States v. Mine Workers'', 330 U.S. 312 (1946).

* I am a lover of [[truth]], a worshipper of [[freedom]], a celebrant at the altar of [[language]] and [[purity]] and [[tolerance]]. That is my [[religion]], and every day I am sorely, grossly, heinously and deeply offended, wounded, mortified and injured by a thousand different blasphemies against it. When the fundamental canons of truth, [[honesty]], [[compassion]] and decency are hourly assaulted by fatuous bishops, pompous, illiberal and ignorant priests, politicians and prelates, sanctimonious censors, self-appointed moralists and busy-bodies, what recourse of ancient laws have I? None whatever. Nor would I ask for any. For unlike these blistering imbeciles my [[belief]] in my religion is strong and I know that [[lies]] will always fail and indecency and intolerance will always perish.
** [[Stephen Fry]], in his &quot;Trefusis Blasphemes&quot; radio broadcast, as published in ''Paperweight'' (1993).

==G==
[[File:Clarence Earl Gideon.jpg|thumb|I believe that each era finds an improvement in law for the benefit of mankind. ~ [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]] ]]
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|[[Necessity]] knows no law but makes law. ~ [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]] ]]

* '''I believe that each era finds a [sic] improvement in law each year brings something new for the benefit of mankind.''' Maybe this will be one of those small steps forward, in the past thirty-five years I have seen great advancement in [[courts]] in penal servitude.
** [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]], Letter from Clarence Earl Gideon to Abe Fortas (November 1962), page 22, Quoted in: Anthony Lewis, Gideon's Trumpet 65-78 (Vintage 1966) (1964), note 2 at page 78. Source: Jack King (2012): ''Clarence Earl Gideon: Unlikely World-Shaker''. The Champion Issue June 2012 by the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, page 58. [https://web.archive.org/web/20200813231044/https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl Archived] from [https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl the original] on August 13, 2020.

* The Law is the true embodiment,&lt;br&gt;Of everything that's excellent,&lt;br&gt;It has no kind of fault or flaw,&lt;br&gt;And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
** [[W.S. Gilbert]], ''[[w:Iolanthe|Iolanthe]]'' (1882).

* '''The function of the [[lawyer]] is to preserve a [[skepticism|sceptical]] [[relativism]] in a [[society]] hell-bent for absolutes. The worse the society, the more law there will be. In [[Hell]] there will be nothing but law and due process will be meticulously observed.'''
** [[w:Grant Gilmore|Grant Gilmore]], ''The Ages of American Law'' (1977), p. 110. &lt;!-- reported in George W. Liebmann, ''The Common Law Tradition: A Collective Portrait of Five Legal Scholars'' (2006), p. 177 --&gt;

* Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 386. Same in ''Vicar of Wakefield''.

* The rule of law can be wiped out in one misguided, however well-intentioned generation. And if that should happen, it could take a century of striving and ordeal to restore it, and then only at the cost of the lives of many good men and women.
** William T. Gossett, President of the [[w:American Bar Association|American Bar Association]] in a speech (9 August 1969).

* It is the law of life that if you are kind to someone you feel happy. If you are cruel you are unhappy. And if you hurt someone, you will be hurt back.
** [[Cary Grant]], as quoted in [http://www.carygrant.net/articles/thinks%20about.htm &quot;Love – That’s All Cary Grant Ever Thinks About&quot;] by  [[w:Sheilah Graham Westbrook|Sheilah Graham Westbrook]] in ''Motion Picture'' (June 1964).

* I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], ''Inaugural Address'' (4 March 1869).

* If you cannot recognise the will of the Führer as a source of law, then you cannot remain a [[judge]].
** [[w:Franz Gürtner|Franz Gürtner]] response to [[w:Lothar Kreyssig|Lothar Kreyssig]]; as quoted in Kershaw, Ian (2000). ''Hitler: 1936–1945 Nemesis''. II. New York: Norton. ISBN 978-0-393-32252-1. p.254.

==H==
[[File:Muttich, Kamil Vladislav - Posledni vyzvani mistru Husovi.jpg|thumb|The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law. ~ [[Jan Hus]]]]

* The law regards man as man, and takes no account of his surroundings or of his color when his civil rights as guaranteed by the supreme law of the land are involved.
**[[John Marshall Harlan]], ''[[w:Plessy v. Ferguson|Plessy v. Ferguson]]'', 163 U.S. 537, 559 (1896).

* It seems to me that any law that is not enforced and can’t be enforced weakens all other laws.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Friday (novel)|Friday]]'' (1982), {{ISBN|0-345-30988-X}}, p. 241

* The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax,&lt;br/&gt;But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax.
** [[A. P. Herbert]], Speech to Parliament, 1930s; as quoted in ''The Pendulum Years'' (1970) by Bernard Levin, p. 16.

* '''The life of the law has not been logic; it has been experience... The law embodies the story of a nation's development through many centuries, and it cannot be dealt with as if it contained only the axioms and corollaries of a book of mathematics.'''
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], ''[[w:The Common Law|The Common Law]]'' (1881), p. 1.

* The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law.
** [[Jan Hus]] in ''Výklad viery, desatera a páteře'' (''Interpretation of the Faith, the Ten Commandments and the Lord's Prayer'') as quoted in ''A Companion to Jan Hus'' (2015) by František Šmahel (ed.), pp. 231.

==J==
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of injustice and inequality is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]] ]]

*Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add &quot;within the limits of the law&quot; because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual. '''
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819).

* Do not lay down any [[rules]] beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.
** [[Jesus]], attributed by [[W:Gospel of Mary#Which Mary?|Mary]] in the [[Berlin Codex]], ''{{w|Gospel of Mary}}'',  [http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Chapter 4]

* The ruling powers tell us poor lower-class folks that we have an obligation, a social responsibility to society, to abide by the law, but they don’t have any social responsibility to us to help us meet our needs. It’s pure [[bourgeoisie]] [[class conflict|class-based]] [[Ideology|morality]], a morality that serves the [[ruling class]], not the [[masses]] of the [[oppressed]].
** [[Kevin Rashid Johnson]], ''Defying the Tomb: Selected Prison Writings and Art of Kevin Rashid Johnson'' (2010)

* The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of [[injustice]] and [[inequality]] is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], speaking at [[w:Gettysburg, Pennsylvania |Gettysburg, Pennsylvania]] on the occasional of [[w:Memorial Day|Memorial Day]] (May 30, 1963). Source: [http://www.lbjlib.utexas.edu/johnson/archives.hom/speeches.hom/630530.asp Press Release, &quot;5/30/63, Remarks by Vice President, Memorial Day, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania,&quot; Statements File, Box 80, LBJ Library.]

* We all know that the roots of injustice run deep. But violence cannot redress a solitary wrong, or remedy a single unfairness. Of course, all America is outraged at the assassination of [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|an outstanding Negro leader]] who was at that meeting that afternoon in the White House in 1966. And America is also outraged at the looting and the burning that defiles our democracy. We just must put our shoulders together and put a stop to both. The time is here. Action must be now. So, I would appeal to my fellow Americans by saying, the only real road to progress for free people is through the process of law and that is the road that America will travel.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=28799&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2gguIRFi1 &quot;Remarks Upon Signing the Civil Rights Act.,&quot; April 11, 1968. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

==K==
[[File:RGB LED Rainbow from 7th symmetry cylindrical grating.jpg|thumb|Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress. ~ [[Anthony Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|The most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:1660 blk 19329 zoom.png|thumb|Observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:1942 JFK uniform portrait.jpg|thumb|Only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Majesty of Law Rayburn.JPG|thumb|Law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating [[order]] out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|There are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. ~ [[Martin Luther King]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Kropotkin PA.jpg|thumb|If you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. ~ [[Peter Kropotkin]]]]--&gt;
&lt;!--[[File:Ancient version of the Taijitu by Lai Zhi-De, sideways.svg|thumb|All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments. ~ [[Michio Kushi]] ]]--&gt;

* Had those who drew and ratified the Due Process Clauses of the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]] or the Fourteenth Amendment known the components of [[liberty]] in its manifold possibilities, they might have been more specific. They did not presume to have this insight. They knew '''times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress.''' As the [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] endures, persons in every generation can invoke its principles in their own search for greater freedom.
** [[Anthony Kennedy]], ''[[w:Lawrence v. Texas|Lawrence v. Texas]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&amp;vol=000&amp;invol=02-102 539 U.S. 558] (26 June 2003).
 
* [[Disarmament]] without checks is but a shadow--and a community without law is but a shell.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] ([[25 September]] [[1961]]).

* All students, members of the faculty, and public officials in both Mississippi and the Nation will be able, it is hoped, to return to their normal activities with full confidence in the integrity of American law. This is as it should be, for our Nation is founded on the principle that observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. The law which we obey includes the final rulings of the courts, as well as the enactments of our legislative bodies. Even among law-abiding men few laws are universally loved, but they are uniformly respected and not resisted. Americans are free, in short, to disagree with the law but not to disobey it. For in a government of laws and not of men, no man, however prominent or powerful, and no mob however unruly or boisterous, is entitled to defy a court of law. If this country should ever reach the point where any man or group of men by force or threat of force could long defy the commands of our court and our Constitution, then no law would stand free from doubt, no judge would be sure of his writ, and no citizen would be safe from his neighbors.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* In 1945 a Mississippi sergeant, Jake Lindsey, was honored by an unusual joint session of the Congress. I close therefore, with this appeal to the students of the University, the people who are most concerned. You have a great tradition to uphold, a tradition of honor and courage won on the field of battle and on the gridiron as well as the University campus. You have a new opportunity to show that you are men of patriotism and integrity. For the most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* Third, and finally, the educated citizen has an obligation to uphold the law. This is the obligation of every citizen in a free and peaceful society--but the educated citizen has a special responsibility by the virtue of his greater understanding. For whether he has ever studied history or current events, ethics or civics, the rules of a profession or the tools of a trade, he knows that only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* He knows that law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating order out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. He knows that for one man to defy a law or court order he does not like is to invite others to defy those which they do not like, leading to a breakdown of all justice and all order. He knows, too, that every fellowman is entitled to be regarded with decency and treated with dignity. Any educated citizen who seeks to subvert the law, to suppress freedom, or to subject other human beings to acts that are less than human, degrades his heritage, ignores his learning, and betrays his obligation.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Certain other societies may respect the rule of force--we respect the rule of law.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Education does have a great role to play in this period of transition. But it is not ''either'' education ''or'' legislation; it is ''both'' education and legislation. '''It may be true that morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important also.''' It may be true that the law cannot change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless, and this is what we often so and we have to do in society through legislation. We must depend on religion and education to change bad internal attitudes, but we need legislation to control the external effects of those bad internal attitudes. And so there is a need for meaningful civil right legislation.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [https://news.cornellcollege.edu/dr-martin-luther-kings-visit-to-cornell-college/ Address to Cornell College, Mount Vernon, Iowa (15 October 1962)]. Also quoted in ''Wall Street Journal'' (13 November 1962), ''Notable &amp; Quotable '', p. 18
** Variant:
** '''It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you love me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important.'''
*** Address at Finney Chapel, Oberlin College (22 October 1964), as reported in &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008)

* One may well ask: &quot;How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?&quot; The answer lies in the fact that '''there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a [[moral]] [[responsibility]] to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.''' I would agree with [[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] that &quot;''an unjust law is no law at all''.&quot;
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* An individual who breaks a law that [[conscience]] tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* But hereof be assured, that all is not lawful nor just that is statute by civil laws; neither yet is everything sin before God, which ungodly persons allege to be treason.
** [[John Knox]], as quoted in ''The Breakers of the Yoke'' by J. S. MacIntosh pg. 303.

* If you reason instead of repeating what is taught you; if you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. You will understand that to remain the servant of the written law is to place yourself every day in opposition to the law of conscience, and to make a bargain on the wrong side; and, since this struggle cannot go on forever, you will either silence your conscience and become a scoundrel, or you will break with tradition, and you will work with us for the utter destruction of all this injustice
** [[Peter Kropotkin]], &quot;An Appeal to the Young&quot; (1880).

* All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments.
** [[Michio Kushi]], with Edward Esko, in ''Spiritual Journey'', p.&amp;nbsp;57.

==L==
&lt;!--[[File:Tinker Bell Levitation.jpg|thumb|The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity. ~ [[R. A. Lafferty]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Golden statue.jpg|thumb|The [[end]] of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom. ~ [[John Locke]] ]]

* The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.
** [[R. A. Lafferty]], ''Space Chantey'' (1968).

*Certain broad facts are always put before men in some form or other. They are explained even to savage tribes by their medicine-men, and to the rest of mankind by various religious teachers and in all kinds of scriptures. It is very true that scriptures and religions differ, but the points in which they all agree have to be accepted by a man before he can understand life sufficiently to live happily. One of these facts is '''the eternal Law of Cause and Effect'''. If a man lives under the delusion that he can do anything that he likes, and that the effect of his actions will never recoil upon himself, he will most certainly find that some of these actions eventually involve him in unhappiness and suffering. **[[C.W. Leadbeater]], (Speaking about the [[Four Noble Truths]] in [[The Masters and the Path|''The Masters and the Path'']] (1925)      p. 306 

*[T]o violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed... When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, or that grievances may not arise for the redress of which no legal provisions have been made. I mean to say no such thing. But I do mean to say that although bad laws, if they exist, should be repealed as soon as possible.. There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [[:Wikisource:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln/Volume 3/The Perpetuation of Our Political Institutions|An Address Delivered Before the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Ill. January 27, 1837]]

* The end of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom.
** [[John Locke]], ''Second Treatise of Government'', Ch. VI, sec.  57.

* And folks are beginning to think it looks odd,&lt;br&gt;To choke a poor scamp for the glory of God.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Fable for Critics'' (1848), line 492.

* Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.
** [[w:Luke the Evangelist|Luke]] 11:52.

* We refuse to have our conscience bound by any work or law. ... Our stubbornness is right, because we want to preserve the liberty which we have in Christ. Only by preserving our liberty shall we be able to retain the truth of the Gospel inviolate.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Chapter 2.

==M==
[[File:Maimonides statue - Cordoba.jpg|thumb|Laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Maimonides Moses.jpg|thumb|In addition to the [[teaching]] of [[truths]] the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Nelson Mandela, 2000 (5).jpg|thumb|right|Equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed. ~ [[Nelson Mandela]]]]
[[File:Law place du Palais-Bourbon Paris.jpg|thumb|Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things. ~ [[Montesquieu]] ]]

* The reason of a commandment, whether positive or negative, is clear, and its usefulness evident, if it directly tends to remove injustice, or to teach good conduct that furthers the well-being of society, or to impart a truth which ought to be believed either on its own merit or as being indispensable for facilitating the removal of injustice or the teaching of good morals. There is no occasion to ask for the object of such commandments; for no one can, ''e.g.'', be in doubt as to the reason why we have been commanded to believe that God is one; why we are forbidden to murder, steal, and to take vengeance, or to retaliate, or why we are commanded to love one another. But there are precepts concerning which people are in doubt, and of divided opinions, some believing they are mere commands, and serve no purpose whatever, whilst others believe that they serve a certain purpose, which, however is unknown to man. Such are those precepts which in their literal meaning do not seem to further any of the three above-named results: to impart some truth, to teach some moral, or to remove injustice. They do not seem to have any influence upon the well-being of the soul by imparting any truth, or upon the well-being of the body by suggesting such ways and rules as are useful in the government of a state, or in the management of a household. ... I will show that all these and similar laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.28.

* The chief object of the Law, as has been shown by us, is the teaching of truths; to which the truth of the ''creatio ex nihilo'' belongs. It is known that the object of the [[w:Biblical_Sabbath|law of Sabbath]] is to confirm and to establish this principle, as we have shown in this treatise (Part II. chap. xxxi.) In addition to the teaching of truths the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. We have thus proved that the first laws do not refer to burnt-offering and sacrifice, which are of secondary importance.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.32.

* The wiser nations are, the more public spirit they possess, the more perfect their political constitution, the fewer constitutional laws they have, for these laws are only props, and a building only needs props when it has become out of plumb or when it has been violently shaken by an external force. The most perfect constitution of antiquity was without contradiction that of Sparta, and Sparta has not left us a single line of its public law. It justly boasted of having written its laws only in the hearts of its children.
** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''Against Rousseau'' (1795), p. 84

* In its proper meaning equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed, a constitution which guarantees democratic rights to all sections of the population, the right to approach the court for protection or relief in the case of the violation of rights guaranteed in the constitution, and the right to take part in the administration of justice as judges, magistrates, attorneys-general, law advisers and similar positions.
: In the absence of these safeguards the phrase 'equality before the law', in so far as it is intended to apply to us, is meaningless and misleading.''' All the rights and privileges to which I have referred are monopolised by whites, and we enjoy none of them. The white man makes all the laws, he drags us before his courts and accuses us, and he sits in judgement over us.
:* [[Nelson Mandela]], Court statement responding to charges of inciting persons to strike illegally, and of leaving the country without a valid passport (1962), in ''Law and Morality: Readings in Legal Philosophy'', p. 564

* ''Leges bello siluere coactae.''
** But silenced now are laws in war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I, line 277.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yer face while it picks yer pocket; and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
**[[Charles Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'' (1759), Act ii, scene 1.

* A lawsuit is to ordinary life what war is to peacetime. In a lawsuit, everybody on the other side is bad. A [[trial]] transcript is a discourse in malevolence.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''[[w:The Journalist and the Murderer|The Journalist and the Murderer]]''. New York: Knopf, 1990, p. 63.

* In life, it is hard enough to see another person's view of things; in a lawsuit, it is impossible. The fatal attraction of a lawsuit—as [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] showed us in ''[[w:Bleak House|Bleak House]]'', with the case of ''Jarndyce v. Jarndyce''—is the infinite scope it offers for escape from the real world of ambiguity, obscurity, doubt, disappointment, compromise, and accommodation. The world of the lawsuit is the world of the [[w:Theory of Forms|Platonic ideal]], where all is clear, etched, one thing or the other. It is a world—as Dickens showed with his allegory of obsession—that we enter at our peril, since it is also the world of madness.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''The Journalist and the Murderer''. New York: Knopf, 1990, pp. 148–9.

* Law, morality, religion, are to him so many [[bourgeois]] prejudices, behind which lurk in ambush just as many bourgeois interests.
** [[Karl Marx]], ''The Manifesto of the Communist Party'' (1848), Section 1, paragraph 47, lines 7-9.

* It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that one Innocent Person should be Condemned.
** [[Increase Mather]], ''Cases of Conscience Concerning Evil Spirits Personating Men, Witchcrafts, infallible Proofs of Guilt in such as are accused with that Crime'' (1692); a variant of this has become known as [[w: Blackstone's formulation| Blackstone's formulation]], through its expression by [[William Blackstone]] in ''[[w: Commentaries on the Laws of England| Commentaries on the Laws of England]]'' (1765 - 1769).

* Power over the rules is real power. That's why lobbyists congregate when Congress writes laws, and why the Supreme Court, which interprets and delineates the Constitution – the rules for writing the rules – has even more power than Congress. '''If you want to understand the deepest malfunctions of systems, pay attention to the rules and to who has power over them.'''
** [[Donella Meadows]], ''[[Donella Meadows#Thinking in Systems: A Primer (2008)|Thinking in Systems: A Primer]]'', Chelsea Green Publishing, 2008, pages 158 (ISBN 9781603580557).

* A law of nature is not a formula drawn up by a legislator, but a mere summary of the observed facts — a &quot;bundle of facts.&quot; Things do not act in a particular way because there is a law, but we state the &quot;law&quot; because they act in that way.
** [[Joseph McCabe]], ''The Existence of God'' (1913).

* The whole drift of our law is toward the absolute prohibition of all ideas that diverge in the slightest from the accepted platitudes, and behind that drift of law there is a far more potent force of growing custom, and under that custom there is a national philosophy which erects conformity into the noblest of virtues and the free functioning of personality into a capital [[crime]] against society.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A Little Book of Aphorisms'' (New York: 1947), p. 75.

*'''Laws without supporting moral conventions invite crime, but much more importantly, they spur the growth of an expedient, amoral attitude. In our kind of society - with its absence of pre-capitalist traditions - the only way to do away with training devices is to change the laws and their enforcement so that, unlike the current income tax, they do not depend upon individual integrity.'''
**[[C. Wright Mills]], ''Power, Politics, and People'', &quot;A Diagnosis of Our Moral Uneasiness.&quot;

* Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things.
** [[Montesquieu]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p.&amp;nbsp;375.

==N==
[[File:Huey Newton.jpg|thumb|Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation. ~ [[Huey Newton]]]]

* The black person ... is asked to respect laws that do not respect him. He is asked to digest a code of ethics that acts upon him but not for him. 
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;Fear and Doubt,&quot; May 15, 1967, in ''The Huey P. Newton Reader'' (2002), p. 132

* '''Men were not created in order to obey laws. Laws are created to obey men.''' They are established by men and should serve men. The laws and rules which officials inflict upon poor people prevent them from functioning harmoniously in society. There is no disagreements about this function of law in any circle-the disagreement arises from the question of which men laws are to serve. Such lawmakers ignore the fact that it is the duty of the poor and unrepresented to construct rules and laws that serve their interest better. '''Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation.'''
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;In Defense of Self-defense&quot; (June 20, 1967)

* Jesus said to his Jews: “The law was for slaves—love god as I love him, as his son! What do we sons of God have to do with morality!”
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Beyond Good and Evil'', I. Johnston, trans., § 164.

* A law-book never recites the utility, the grounds, the [[w:Casuistry|casuistical]] antecedents of a law: for if it did so it would lose the imperative tone, the “thou shall,” on which [[obedience]] is based.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Antichrist'', § 57 (Mencken trans.).

* [[Jesus]] wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the law — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law. He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master ([[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] 2:27-28). Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of mankind.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72.

==O==
[[File:Authority of Law SCOTUS.JPG|thumb|Liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]

* There was a recognition by all who participated in these reviews that the challenges to our privacy do not come from government alone. Corporations of all shapes and sizes track what you buy, store and analyze our data, and use it for commercial purposes; that’s how those targeted ads pop up on your computer and your smartphone periodically. But all of us understand that the standards for government surveillance must be higher. Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect. For history has too many examples when that trust has been breached. Our system of government is built on the premise that our liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/01/17/remarks-president-review-signals-intelligence Remarks by the President on Review of Signals Intelligence (17 June 2014) at the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., USA.]

* In a Society in which there is no law, and in theory no compulsion, the only arbiter of behaviour is public opinion. But public opinion, because of the tremendous urge to conformity in gregarious animals, is less tolerant than any system of law.
** [[George Orwell]], &quot;Politics vs. Literature: An Examination of [[Jonathan_Swift#Gulliver.27s_Travels_.281726.29|Gulliver's Travels]],&quot; ''Polemic'' (September/October 1946) - [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/swift/english/e_swift Full text online].

* How can law be just? — impossible. It is against the people who have nothing, it is for the people who have everything. It is always in favor of the haves - it is ''made'' by the haves, it is a conspiracy of the haves against the have-nots. In all societies it has been so, the law is always unjust. Your so-called justice is just a pretension. The world where ownership exists cannot be a just world.
** [[Osho]], ''Zen: The Path of Paradox'', Vol. 2, Ch. 7

==P==
[[File:Statue of Saint Paul, Damascus.jpg|thumb|right|Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. ~ [[Paul the Apostle]]]]
[[File:Paris - Assemblée Nationale - 001.jpg|thumb|Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|Curse on all laws but those which [[love]] has made. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Portrait of Pierre Joseph Proudhon 1865.jpg|thumb|I protest against every order with which some [[authority]] may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government. ~ [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]] ]]--&gt;

* I died to the law so that I might live for [[God]].
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 2:19.

* The law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 3:24-26.

* For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt [[love]] thy neighbor as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 5:14.

* On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/galatians/5/ Letter to the Galatians 5:22-23], [[New World Translation]]

* Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:8-10.

* We are made right with [[God]] through [[faith]] and not by obeying the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 3:28.

* Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 13:8.

* To those outside the law I became as one outside the law—not being without law toward God but under the law of Christ—that I might win those outside the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|First Letter to the Corinthians]] 9:19-23.

* It is as if a man were acquiring the knowledge of the humors and desires of a great strong beast which he had in his keeping, how it is to be approached and touched, and when and by what things it is made most savage or gentle, yes, and the several sounds it is wont to utter on the occasion of each, and again what sounds uttered by another make it tame or fierce, and after mastering this knowledge by living with the creature and by lapse of time should call it wisdom, and should construct thereof a system and art and turn to the teaching of it, knowing nothing in reality about which of these opinions and desires is honorable or base, good or evil, just or unjust, but should apply all these terms to the judgments of the great beast, calling the things that pleased it good, and the things that vexed it bad, having no other account to render of them, but should call what is necessary just and honorable, never having observed how great is the real difference between the necessary and the good, and being incapable of explaining it to another.
** [[Plato]], ''Republic'', 493a.

* Curse on all laws but those which love has made.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Eloisa to Abelard'' (1717), line 74.

* Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle III, line 189.

* I stand ready to negotiate, but I want no part of laws: I acknowledge none; I protest against every order with which some authority may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government.
** [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]], in &quot;The Authority Principle&quot; in ''No Gods, No Masters : An Anthology of Anarchism'' (1980) Daniel Guérin, as translated by Paul Sharkey (1998), p. 90.

* Law is not a mausoleum. It is not an antique to be taken down, dusted, admired and put back on the shelf. It is like an old but vigorous tree, having roots in history, yet continuously taking new grafts and putting out new sprouts and occasionally dropping dead wood. It is essentially a social process, the end product of which is justice and hence it must change with changing social values. Otherwise there will be estrangement between law and justice and law will cease to have legitimacy.
** [[P.N. Bhagwati]]  Motilal Padmapat v State of Uttar Pradesh AIR 1979 SC 621; 118 ITR 326.

* ''Aurum lex sequitur''.
** Law follows gold.
** [[Propertius]], ''Elegice'', III. 13. 48.

==R==
&lt;!--[[File:Taijitu polarity.PNG|thumb|As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot; ~ [[Spider Robinson]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Eleanor Roosevelt UDHR.jpg|thumb|Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law. ~ [[Eleanor Roosevelt]] ]]
[[File:President Theodore Roosevelt, 1904.jpg|thumb|right|The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]] ]]

* We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Speech at the Republican National Convention, Platform Committee Meeting, Miami, Florida&quot; (31 July 1968).

* As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot;
** [[Spider Robinson]], ''Callahan's Key'' (2000).

* Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law.
**[[Eleanor Roosevelt]], ''My Day'' (1935–1962) (14 July 1939).

* '''The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. Law and order enforced with justice and by strength lie at the foundations of civilization. Law must be based upon justice, else it cannot stand, and it must be enforced with resolute firmness, because weakness in enforcing it means in the end that there is no justice and no law, nothing but the rule of disorderly and unscrupulous strength. Without the habit of orderly obedience to the law, without the stern enforcement of the laws at the expense of those who defiantly resist them, there can be no possible progress, moral or material, in civilization. There can be no weakening of the law-abiding spirit here at home, if we are permanently to succeed; and just as little can we afford to show weakness abroad.'''
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses, Chapter ''National Duties'', [http://www.jonesmansion.com/history/speechon.htm Address at the Minnesota State Fair, St. Paul, 2 September 1901]

*'''Every law the people has not ratified in person is null and void - is, in fact, not a law. '''
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*The inflexibility of the laws, which prevents them from adapting themselves to circumstances, may, in certain cases, render them disastrous, and make them bring about, at a time of crisis, the ruin of the State. 
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*We must base our laws on [[faith]], not [[reason]].
**Mark Rushdoony, as quoted in [http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2005/winter/casting-stones &quot;Casting Stones&quot;] (2005), ''Intelligence Report'', Southern Poverty Law Center

==S==
[[File:JUL Iris Soul Palm.png|thumb|Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law. ~ [[Seneca the Elder]] ]]
[[File:'Foundling Mick' by Léon Benett 31.jpg|thumb|'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state. ~ [[William Shakespeare]] ]]
[[File:Liberty Enlightening the World, Paris 19 October 2011.jpg|thumb|[[Laws]] are never as effective as [[habits]]. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson II]] ]]
[[File:Algernon Sidney (1623-1683) 9.jpg|thumb|That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed. ~ [[Algernon Sydney]] ]]

*Things don't just happen in this world of arising and passing away. We don't live in some kind of crazy, accidental universe. Things happen according to certain laws, laws of [[nature]]. Laws such as the law of [[karma]], which teaches us that as a certain seed gets planted, so will that fruit be.
**[[w:Sharon Salzberg|Sharon Salzberg]], in [http://consciousresonance.net/?p=2441 Buddhism: Between Desire and Emptiness]

* To disrespect the masses is moral; to honor them, lawful.
** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Lucinde and the Fragments'', p. Firchow, trans. (1991), “Athenaeum Fragments” § 211.

* The writers of our belief system caution us to make sure that the laws are [[justice|just]] — that is, that they are not subverted by those in [[power]] for their own interest and permitted to become the means by which the powerful justify their rule and become masters of the many. In such conditions the laws become [[idols]], and we end up [[worshipping]] false [[gods]].
** Eugen Schoenfeld, [http://atlantajewishtimes.timesofisrael.com/worship-guns-worship-idols/ &quot;Worship of Guns is Worship of Idols&quot;], ''Atlanta Jewish Times'', (July 20, 2016).

* Necessity creates the law, — it supersedes rules; and whatever is reasonable and just in such cases is likewise legal.
**[[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitude'' (1801), 3 Rob. Adm. Rep. 240. Note that &quot;''The Gratitude''&quot; is the name of a legal case in admiralty, such cases being styled by the name of the vessel at issue.

* In the first place, it is not improper to observe, that the law of cases of necessity is not likely to be well furnished with precise rules; necessity creates the law, it supersedes rules; and whatever is ''reasonable'' and ''just'' in such cases, is likewise ''legal''; it is not to be considered as matter of surprise, therefore, if much instituted rule is not to be found on such subjects.
** [[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitudine'' (18 December 1801); as published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=-vcvAAAAYAAJ ''Reports of Cases Argued and Determined in the High Court of Admiralty, Commencing with the Judgments of the Right Hon. Sir William Scott, Michaelmas Term, 1798'', Vol. III (1802)], p. 266.

* ''Quædam iura non scripta, sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt.''
** Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law.
** [[Seneca the Elder]], ''Controversiae'', Book 1, Chapter 1, sect. 14; translation from Norman T. Pratt ''Seneca's Drama'' (Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press, 1983) p.&amp;nbsp;140.

* You who wear out a good wholesome forenoon in hearing a cause between an orange-wife and a fosset-seller; and then rejourn the controversy of three pence to a second day of audience.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act II, scene 1, line 77.

* He hath resisted law,&lt;br&gt;And therefore law shall scorn him further trial&lt;br&gt;Than the severity of the public power.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 1, line 267.

* In the corrupted currents of this world,&lt;br&gt;Offence's gilded hand may shove by justice;&lt;br&gt;And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itself&lt;br&gt;Buys out the law: but 'tis not so above;&lt;br&gt;There is no shuffling, there the action lies&lt;br&gt;In his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,&lt;br&gt;Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,&lt;br&gt;To give in evidence.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 3, line 57.

* But is this law?&lt;br&gt;Ay, marry is 't; crowner's quest law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act V, scene 1, line 23.

* But, I prithee, sweet wag, shall there be gallows standing in England when thou art king? and resolution thus fobbed as it is with the rusty curb of old father antic the law?
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 2, line 65.

* Faith, I have been a truant in the law,&lt;br&gt;And never yet could frame my will to it;&lt;br&gt;And therefore frame the law unto my will.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 7.

* But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,&lt;br&gt;Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 11.

* The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act IV, scene 2, line 84.

* Press not a falling man too far! 'tis virtue:&lt;br&gt;His faults lie open to the laws; let them,&lt;br&gt;Not you, correct him.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, line 333.

* When law can do no right,&lt;br&gt;Let it be lawful that law bar no wrong.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act III, scene 1, line 185.

* 'Tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you gave me nothing for 't.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King Lear|King Lear]]'' (1608), Act I, scene 4, line 142.

* Bold of your worthiness, we single you&lt;br&gt;As our best-moving fair solicitor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act II, scene 1, line 28.

* We have strict statutes and most biting laws.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act I, scene 3, line 19.

* We must not make a scarecrow of the law,&lt;br&gt;Setting it up to fear the birds of prey,&lt;br&gt;And let it keep one shape, till custom make it&lt;br&gt;Their perch and not their terror.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act II, scene 1, line 1.

* To offend, and judge, are distinct offices&lt;br&gt;And of opposed natures.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 9, line 61.

* In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt&lt;br&gt;But, being season'd with a gracious voice,&lt;br&gt;Obscures the show of evil?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 75.

* It must not be; there is no power in Venice&lt;br&gt;Can alter a decree established:&lt;br&gt;'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act IV, scene 1, line 218.

* The bloody book of law&lt;br&gt;You shall yourself read in the bitter letter&lt;br&gt;After your own sense.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Othello]]'' (c. 1603), Act I, scene 3, line 67.

* I am a subject,&lt;br&gt;And I challenge law: attorneys are denied me;&lt;br&gt;And therefore personally I lay my claim&lt;br&gt;To my inheritance of free descent.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard II (play)|Richard II]]'' (c. 1595), Act II, scene 3, line 133.

* Before I be convict by course of law,&lt;br&gt;To threaten me with death is most unlawful.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act I, scene 4, line 192.

* Do as adversaries do in law,&lt;br&gt;Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Act I, scene 2, line 278.

* We are for law; he dies.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act III, scene 5, line 86.

* They have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 2, line 16.

* Still you keep o' the windy side of the law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 4, line 181.

* When I hear any man talk of an unalterable law, the only effect it produces upon me is to convince me that he is an unalterable [[Fools|fool]].
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Peter Plymley's Letters'' (1808), Letter IV.

* Law is the rule, principle, obligation or requirement of natural justice.
** [[w:Lysander Spooner|Lysander Spooner]], ''The Unconstitutionality of Slavery'' (1860).

*Laws are never as effective as habits.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], Speech in New York City (28 August 1952)

* '''There is no [[justice]] in following unjust laws. It’s time to come into the [[light]] and, in the grand tradition of [[civil disobedience]], declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture.'''
** [[Aaron Swartz]], in [http://archive.org/details/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto ''Guerilla Open Access Manifesto'' (July 2008)].

* You have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator: that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose interest and abilities lies in perverting, confounding, and eluding them.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], the King of Brobdingnag in ''Gulliver’s Travels'' (1726), Part 2, chapter 6, p. 135.

* Who ever knew an honest brute&lt;br&gt;at law his neighbor prosecute?
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''The Logicians Refuted'' (1735).

* That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.
** [[Algernon Sydney]], in [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_000.htm ''Discourses Concerning Government'' (1698)]  [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_311.htm Ch. 3, Sect. 11].

* Necessity knows no law except to conquer.
** [[Publilius Syrus]], ''Moral Sayings'' 553.

==T==
[[File:Tacitus, Annals, Florence, Plut. 68,2.jpg|thumb|The more corrupt the state, the more laws. ~ [[Tacitus]] ]]

* ''Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.''
** '''The more numerous the [[laws]], the more [[corrupt]] the [[government]].'''
*** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), Book III, 27
** Variant translations:
** '''The more corrupt the state, the more laws.'''
** And now bills were passed, not only for national objects but for individual cases, and '''laws were most numerous when the commonwealth was most corrupt.'''

* ''Rebus cunctis inest quidam velut orbis.''
** In all things there is a kind of law of cycles.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 55.

* ''Initia magistratum nostrorum meliora, ferme finis inclinat.''
** Our magistrates discharge their duties best at the beginning; and fall off toward the end.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), XV. 31.

* It is important, of course, that controversies be settled right, but there are many civil questions which arise between individuals in which it is not so important the controversy be settled one way or another as that it be settled. Of course a settlement of a controversy on a fundamentally wrong principle of law is greatly to be deplored, but there must of necessity be many rules governing the relations between members of the same society that are more important in that their establishment creates a known rule of action than that they proceed on one principle or another. Delay works always for the man with the longest purse.
** [[William Howard Taft]], informal address to the judicial section of the American Bar Association, Cincinnati, Ohio (August 30, 1921); reported in &quot;Adequate Machinery for Judicial Business&quot;, ''American Bar Association Journal'' (September 1921), p. 453.

* What is [[hateful]] to thee, do not unto thy fellow; this is the whole law. All the rest is a commentary to this law; go and [[learn]] it.
** [[Talmud]], Tractate Shabat 30a.

*''But speaking of rules, you've been arrested dozens of times in your life. Specific incidents aside, what's common to these run-ins? Where do you stand vis-à-vis the law?''&lt;br&gt;&quot;Goddammit. Yeah, I have. First, there's a huge difference between being arrested and being guilty. Second, see, the law changes and I don't. How I stand vis-à-vis the law at any given moment depends on the law. The law can change from state to state, from nation to nation, from city to city. I guess I have to go by a higher law. How's that? Yeah, I consider myself a road man for the lords of [[karma]].&quot;
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], [http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2003/02/03/thompson/index_np.html ''Salon'' interview (3 February 2003)].

* The law will never make men [[Freedom|free]]; it is men who have got to make the law free.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], om [http://thoreau.eserver.org/slavery.html ''Slavery in Massachusetts'' (4 July 1854)].

* Illegality is not to be presumed; it is to be alleged and proved when it does not appear on the face of the instrument itself.
** [[Nicholas Conyngham Tindal]], CJ., ''Lord Howden v. Simpson'' (1839), 10 A. &amp; E. 821; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 103-104.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull (poet)|John Trumbull]], ''[[w:McFingal|McFingal]]'', Canto iii (1782), line 489.

==U==
* Whereas Congress recognizes the historical tradition of ethical values and principles which are the basis of civilized society and upon which our great Nation was founded; Whereas these ethical values and principles have been the bedrock of society from the dawn of civilization, when they were known as the Seven Noahide Laws ...
** United States Congress, [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c102:h.j.res.104.enr: Joint Resolution To designate March 26, 1991, as 'Education Day, U.S.A.']

==V==
[[File:LucDeClapiers.jpg|thumb|Those who fear men like laws. ~ [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]] ]]

*'''Those who fear men like laws.'''
** [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]], ''Réflexions'' (1746).

==W==
* In civilized life, law floats in a sea of ethics.
** [[Earl Warren]], Speech at the Louis Marshall Award Dinner of the Jewish Theological Seminary, Americana Hotel, New York City (11 November 1962).

* Human law must rest its authority ultimately upon the authority of that law which is [[Divine law|divine]]. Far from being rivals or enemies religion and law are twin sisters, friends, and mutual assistance. Indeed, these two sciences run into each other.
** [[James Wilson]], ''The Works of the Honourable James Wilson'' (Philadelphia: Bronson and Chauncey, 1804), Vol. I, pp. 106 &amp; 103-105.

* American industry is not free, as once it was free; American enterprise is not free; the man with only a little capital is finding it harder to get into the field, more and more impossible to compete with the big fellow. Why? Because the laws of this country do not prevent the strong from crushing the weak. That is the reason, and because the strong have crushed the weak the strong dominate the industry and the economic life of this country.
**[[Woodrow Wilson]], ''The New Freedom: A Call For the Emancipation of the Generous Energies of a People'' (1913).

==X==
[[File:Raffael 069.jpg|thumb|Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

* &quot;Whatever a despot by enactment constrains the citizens to do without persuasion, is the negation of law?”&lt;p&gt;“Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force.”
** [[Xenophon]], [[Pericles]] and [[Socrates]] in ''[[Memorabilia]]'', 1.2.41.

==Y==
* Law is the backbone which keeps man erect.
** Seymour C. Yuter, arguing for passage of the Nuclear Test Ban treaty and Nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'',  Vol. 25, No. 8 (October 1969), p.&amp;nbsp;23.

==Z==
* Because of plea-bargaining, I guess we can say, &quot;Gee, the trains run on time.&quot; But do we like where they are going?
** Franklin E. Zimring, &quot;[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,916340-3,00.html Law: Is Plea Bargaining a Cop-Out?]&quot;, ''Time'' (August 28, 1978).

==Anonymous==
*“There’s no justice, John! There is no reason at all for me to be kept here!”
:“Justice is the first casualty of war and that’s the point we’re rapidly approaching.&quot;
:*Mary Reed and Eric Mayer, ''[[John,_the_Lord_Chamberlain#Two_for_Joy|Two for Joy]], Ch. 21''.

* ''Necessitas non habet legem''
** [[Necessity]] has no law.
*** [[Anonymous]] [[Latin proverbs|Latin proverb]] which arose in the middle ages, leading to many variant expressions and extensions in many cultures.
** Variants:
** ''Quia enim necessitas non habet legem, set ipsa sibi facit legume''
*** Necessity knows no law but makes law.
**** [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]], ''[[w:Decretum Gratiani|Decretum Gratiani]]''
** Necessity knows no laws.
*** [[Spanish proverbs|Spanish proverb]], as quoted in ''The International Thesaurus of Quotations'' (1970) edited by Rhoda Thomas Tripp, p. 429.
** الضرورات تبيح المحظورات
*** Necessity knows no restrictions.
**** Arabic Proverb
** Necessity knows no laws, and a man must part with his last farthing to buy bread.
*** &quot;C.&quot; in ''The Farmer's Magazine'' Vol. 1, No. 4 (October 1838), p. 271.
** Necessity knows no laws or customs.
*** Joseph Kinmont Hart, ''Mind in Transition : Patterns, Conflicts and Changes in the Evolution of the Mind'' (1938), p. 88.

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
[[File:SpiderWeb.jpg|thumb|Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them. ~ [[Anacharsis]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 430-34.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''Ove son leggi,&lt;br&gt;Tremar non dee chi leggi non infranse.''
** Where there are laws, he who has not broken them need not tremble.
** [[Vittorio Alfieri]], ''Virginia'', II. 1.

* '''Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them.'''
** [[Anacharsis]] to Solon when writing his laws.

* '''Law is a bottomless pit.'''
** [[John Arbuthnot]], title of a pamphlet (c. 1700).

* One of the Seven was wont to say: &quot;That laws were like cobwebs; where the small flies were caught, and the great brake through.&quot;
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apothegms'', No. 181.

* '''All this is but a web of the wit; it can work nothing.'''
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays on Empire''.

* There was an ancient Roman lawyer, of great fame in the history of Roman jurisprudence, whom they called Cui Bono, from his having first introduced into judicial proceedings the argument, &quot;What end or object could the party have had in the act with which he is accused.&quot;
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Impeachment of Warren Hastings''.

* '''I do not know the method of drawing up an indictment against an whole people.'''
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Speech on the Conciliation of America''.

* A good parson once said that where mystery begins religion ends. Cannot I say, as truly at least, of human laws, that where mystery begins, justice ends?
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Vindication of Natural Society''.

* The law of England is the greatest grievance of the nation, very expensive and dilatory.
** Bishop Burnet, ''History of His Own Times''.

* The law of heaven and earth is life for life.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Curse of Minerva'' (1811), Stanza 15.

* Arms and laws do not flourish together.
** [[Julius Caesar]], reported in [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cæsar''.

* Who to himself is law, no law doth need,&lt;br&gt;Offends no law, and is a king indeed.
** [[George Chapman]], ''Bussy d'Ambois'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Jus gentium.''
** The law of nations.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), III. 17.

* For as the law is set over the magistrate, even so are the magistrates set over the people. And therefore, it may be truly said, &quot;that the magistrate is a speaking law, and the law is a silent magistrate.&quot;
** [[Cicero]], ''De Legibus'' (''On the Laws''; c. 40s BC), Book III. I.

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** For the '''laws are dumb in the midst of arms.'''
** [[Cicero]], ''Pro Milone'', IV.

* After an existence of nearly twenty years of almost innocuous desuetude these laws are brought forth.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], Message (1 March 1886).

* Magna Charta is such a fellow that he will have no sovereign.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Debate in the Commons'' (17 May 1628).

* '''Reason is the life of the law; nay, the common law itself is nothing else but reason.'''  *  *  *  The law which is perfection of reason.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* The gladsome light of jurisprudence.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* According to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not.
** [[Daniel]], VI. 8.

* Trial by jury itself, instead of being a security to persons who are accused, shall be a delusion, a mockery, and a snare.
** [[Lord Denman]], ''O'Connell vs. the Queen'', II. C. and F., 351 (Sept. 4, 1894).

* '''Whatever was required to be done, the Circumlocution Office was beforehand with all the public departments in the art of perceiving — HOW NOT TO DO IT.'''
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Little Dorrit'', Part I, Chapter X.

* '''When the judges shall be obliged to go armed, it will be time for the courts to be closed.'''
** [[S. J. Field]], when advised to arm himself, in California (1889).

* '''Our human laws are but the copies, more or less imperfect, of the eternal laws, so far as we can read them.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Calvinism.

* '''Just laws are no restraint upon the freedom of the good, for the good man desires nothing which a just law will interfere with.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Reciprocal Duties of State and Subject.

* '''Whenever the offence inspires less horror than the punishment, the rigour of penal law is obliged to give way to the common feelings of mankind.'''
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', Chapter XIV, Volume I.

* ''Es erben sich Gesetz und Rechte&lt;br&gt;Wie eine ew'ge Krankheit fort.''
** All rights and laws are still transmitted,&lt;br&gt;Like an eternal sickness to the race.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''[[Goethe's Faust|Faust]]'', I. 4. 449.

* A cloud of witnesses.
** Hebrews, XII. 1.

* ''Quid leges sine moribus&lt;br&gt;Vanæ proficiunt?''
** Of what use are laws, inoperative through public immorality?
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', III. 24. 35.

* To the law and to the testimony.
** [[Isaiah]], VIII. 20.

* The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Johnsoniana'', Piozzi's Anecdotes, 58.

* ''Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas.''
** The verdict acquits the raven, but condemns the dove.
** [[Juvenal]], ''Satires'' (early 2nd century), II. 63.

* ''Ad quæstionem juris respondeant judices ad quæstionem facti respondeant juratores.''
** '''Let the judges answer to the question of law, and the jurors to the matter of the fact.'''
*** Law Maxim.

* We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.
** [[G. H. Lewes]], ''The Physiology of Common Life'', Chapter XIII.

* ''Hominem improbum non accusari tutius est quam absolvi.''
** '''It is safer that a bad man should not be accused, than that he should be acquitted.'''
*** [[Livy]], ''Annales'', XXXIV. 4.

* ''La charte sera désormais une vérité.''
** The charter will henceforth be a reality.
** [[Louis Philippe]].

* ''Perchè, cosi come i buoni costumi, per mantenersi, hanno bisogno delli leggi; cosi le leggi per ossevarsi, hanno bisogno de' buoni costumi.''
** For as laws are necessary that good manners may be preserved, so there is need of good manners that laws may be maintained.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Dei Discorsi'', I. 18.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yeer face while it picks yeer pocket: and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
** [[Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Nisi per legale judicium parum suorum.''
** Unless by the lawful judgment of their peers.
** ''[[Magna Charta]]'', ''Privilege of Barons of Parliament''.

* ''Certis  *  *  *  legibus omnia parent.''
** '''All things obey fixed laws.'''
** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', I, 479.

* The law speaks too softly to be heard amidst the din of arms.
** [[Caius Marius]], when complaint was made of his granting the freedom of Rome to a thousand Camerians, in [[Plutarch]]'s ''Life of Caius Marius''.

* Render therefore unto Cæsar the things which are Cæsar's.
** [[Jesus]] in Matthew, XXII. 21.

* As the case stands.
** [[Thomas Middleton]], ''Old Law'' (1618-19), Act II, scene 1.

* Litigious terms, fat contentions, and flowing fees.
** [[John Milton]], ''Prose Works'', Volume I. Of Education.

* ''Le bruit des armes l'empeschoit d'entendre la voix des lois.''
** The clatter of arms drowns the voice of the law.
*** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', III. I.

* There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.
** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', ''Of Vanity''.

* ''Neque enim lex est æquior ulla,&lt;br&gt;Quam necis artifices arte perire sua.''
** Nor is there any law more just, than that he who has plotted death shall perish by his own plot.
** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', I. 665.

* ''Sunt superis sua jura.''
** The gods have their own laws.
** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', IX. 499.

* Where law ends, there tyranny begins.
** [[William Pitt, Earl of Chatham]], ''Case of Wilkes'', speech (Jan. 9, 1770), last line.

* ''Nescis tu quam meticulosa res sit ire ad judicem.''
** You little know what a ticklish thing it is to go to law.
*** [[Plautus]], ''Mostellaria'', V, 1, 52.

* ''Non est princeps super leges, sed leges supra principem.''
** '''The prince is not above the laws, but the laws above the prince.'''
*** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Paneg. Traj.'' 65.

* All, look up with reverential awe,&lt;br&gt;At crimes that 'scape, or triumph o'er the law.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Epilogue to Satire'', Dialogue I, line 167.

* Piecemeal they win this acre first then, that,&lt;br&gt;Glean on, and gather up the whole estate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Satires of Dr. Donne'', Satire II, line 91.

* Once (says an Author; where, I need not say)&lt;br&gt;Two Trav'lers found an Oyster in their way;&lt;br&gt;Both fierce, both hungry; the dispute grew strong,&lt;br&gt;While Scale in hand Dame Justice pass'd along.&lt;br&gt;Before her each with clamour pleads the Laws.&lt;br&gt;Explain'd the matter, and would win the cause,&lt;br&gt;Dame Justice weighing long the doubtful Right,&lt;br&gt;Takes, open, swallows it, before their sight.&lt;br&gt;The cause of strife removed so rarely well,&lt;br&gt;&quot;There take&quot; (says Justice), &quot;take ye each a shell.&lt;br&gt;We thrive at Westminster on Fools like you:&lt;br&gt;'Twas a fat oyster—live in peace—Adieu.&quot;
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Verbatim from Boileau''.

* Let us consider the reasons of the case. For nothing is law that is not reason.
** Sir [[John Powell]], ''Coggs v. Bernard'', 2 Ld. Raym. 911.

* He that is surety for a stranger shall smart for it.
** Proverbs, XI. 15.

* God detests the prayers of a person who ignores the law.
** Proverbs 28:9, New Living Translation

* That very law which moulds a tear,&lt;br&gt;And bids it trickle from its source,&lt;br&gt;That law preserves the earth a sphere,&lt;br&gt;And guides the planets in their course.
** [[Samuel Rogers]], ''On a Tear'', Stanza 6.

* La loi permet souvent ce que défend l'honneur.
** '''The law often allows what honor forbids.'''
*** [[Bernard-Joseph Saurin]], ''Spartacus'', III. 3.

* ''Si judicas, cognosce; si regnas, jube.''
** If you judge, investigate; if you reign, command.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIV.

* ''Qui statuit aliquid, parte inaudita altera,&lt;br&gt;Æquum licet statuerit, haud æquus fuerit.''
** He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide justly, cannot be considered just.
*** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIX.

* ''Inertis est nescire, quid liceat sibi.&lt;br&gt;Id facere, laus est, quod decet; non, quod licet.''
** It is the act of the indolent not to know what he may lawfully do. It is praiseworthy to do what is becoming, and not merely what is lawful.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Octavia'', CCCCLIII.

* There is a higher law than the Constitution.
** [[W. H. Seward]], speech (11 March 1850).

* '''Laws are generally found to be nets of such a texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle-sized alone are entangled in.'''
** [[William Shenstone]], ''On Politics''.

* When to raise the wind some lawyer tries,&lt;br&gt;Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes;&lt;br&gt;On speeds the smiling suit—&lt;br&gt;. . . . . .&lt;br&gt;Till stript—nonsuited—he is doomed to toss&lt;br&gt;In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss,&lt;br&gt;Lucky, if like Ulysses, he can keep&lt;br&gt;His head above the waters of the deep.
** Horace and James Smith, ''Rejected Addresses'', ''Architectural Atoms''. Translation by Dr. B. T.

* Men keep their engagements when it is an advantage to both parties not to break them.
** [[Solon]], ''Answer to Anacharsis''. In [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Solon''.

* '''Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.'''
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Essay on the Faculties of the Mind''.

* ''Bonis nocet quisquis pepercerit malis.''
** '''He hurts the good who spares the bad.'''
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur.''
** The judge is condemned when the guilty is acquitted.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* A man must not go to law because the musician keeps false time with his foot.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], Volume VIII, p. 145. ''The Worthy Communicant'', Chap, IV. Sect, IV. Quoted from Schott, ''Adagia'', p. 351. Prov. E, Suida. Cent, II. 17.

* ''Quod vos jus cogit, id voluntate impetret.''
** What the law insists upon, let it have of your own free will.
** [[Terence]], ''Adelphi'', III. 4. 44.

* ''Jus summum sæpe summa est malitia.''
** '''The strictest law sometimes becomes the severest injustice.'''
*** [[Terence]], ''Heauton timoroumenos'', IV. 5. 48.

* The law is good, if a man use it lawfully.
** I Timothy. I. 8.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull]], ''McFingal'', Canto III, line 489.

* The Law: It has honored us, may we honor it.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Toast at the Charleston Bar Dinner'' (May 10, 1847).

* The glorious uncertainty of law.
** Toast of Wilbraham at a dinner of judges and counsel at Serjeants' Inn Hall (1756). Quoted by Mr. Sheridan in 1802.

* And he that gives us in these days&lt;br&gt;New Lords may give us new laws.
** [[George Wither]], ''Contented Man's Morrice''.

* And through the heat of conflict keeps the law&lt;br&gt;In calmness made, and sees what he foresaw.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Character of a Happy Warrior'', line 53.

* '''He it was that first gave to the law the air of a science. He found it a skeleton, and clothed it with life, colour, and complexion; he embraced the cold statue, and by his touch it grew into youth, health, and beauty.'''
** [[w:Barry Yelverton|Barry Yelverton]] (Lord Avonmore), on Blackstone.

==''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 147-157; 182&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Ulam Spiral Divisors 100000.png|thumb| The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.]]

* No man can come into a British Court of justice to seek the assistance of the law who founds his claim upon a contravention of the British laws.
** [[Richard Arden, 1st Baron Alvanley]], C.J., ''Morck v. Abel'' (1802), 3 Bos. and Pull. 38.

* Reading, maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man; — and, therefore, if a man write little, he had need have a great memory; if he confer little, he had need have a present wit; and if he read little, he had need have much cunning to seem to know that he doth not.
** Lord Bacon.

* We may appeal to the experience of every sensible lawyer, whether anything can be more hazardous or discouraging than the usual entrance on the study of the law.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries'', Book I., Section 1, p.&amp;nbsp;16.

* Law grows, and though the principles of law remain unchanged, yet (and it is one of the advantages of the common law) their application is to be changed with the changing circumstances of the times. Some persons may call this retrogression, I call it progression of human opinion.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), 1 Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 135.

* I cannot say the law was ever a hard mistress to me: and she did not allow me long to languish in idleness, nor ever suffer me to be without hope. But, of course, I had many idle days, and I was rather fond of note-taking as a very instructive practice, whenever the case was an interesting one, and I found great benefit from it when the facility of taking an accurate and full note rapidly became of the greatest importance in the course of my after life at the Bar and on the Bench.
** Right Hon. Sir John T. Coleridge, &quot;Circuit Reminiscences.&quot; ''The Jur''. (N.S.) Vol. V. and VI., Part 2 (1869—1860), p.&amp;nbsp;377. See also post, Law Reports, 3, n.

* It is my province to lay down the law. Every lawyer knows that the law is the result of a great deal of learning.
** Erie, J., ''Queen v. Dowling'' (1848), 7 St. Tr. (N. S.) 438.

* The truth is . . . the old feudal law existing in England … is only being broken down slowly by legislation and decisions of the Court, and . . . still exists to a very great extent.
** Kay, J., ''Whitby v. Mitchell'' (1889), L. R. 42 C. D. 500.

* There is no positive law: Many things are bad by that, which otherwise were not.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''The law does not consist in particular instances, though it is explained by particular instances and rules, but the law consists of principles, which govern specific and individual cases, as they happen to arise.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''R. v. Bembridge'' (1783), 22 How. St. Tr. 155.

* That whom he could not by the sword destroy, he might supplant by the law.
** [[Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Baronet]], C.J., ''Sheffeild v. Ratcliffe'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 335.

* ''Contemporaria expositio legis est optima'', a contemporary exposition of a law, if there be any question about it, as our books tell us, is always the best, because the temper of the law-makers is then best known.
** Holt, C.J., ''Harcourt v. Fox'' (1693), Shower's Rep. 326.

* I am sorry to think, that Englishmen should seem to excuse themselves by ignorance of the law, which all subjects are bound to know, and are born to have the benefit of.
** Popham, C.J., ''Trial of Sir Christopher Blunt and others'' (1600), 1 How. St. Tr. 1450.

* He had no right to take the law into his own hands.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], ''Tarleton v. McGawley'' (1795), 2 Peake, N. P. Ca. 208.

* Every one must be supposed to be cognizant of a public law.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Smith v. Beadnell'' (1807), 1 Camp. 33.

* Every man (who is of sufficient understanding to be responsible for his actions) is supposed to be cognizant of the law, as it is the rule by which every subject of the kingdom is to be governed, and therefore it is his business to know it.
** Willes, J., ''King v. Shipley'' (1784), 3 Doug. 177.

* Every man must be taken to be cognizant of the law, otherwise there is no saying to what extent the excuse of ignorance may not be Law carried. It would be urged in almost every case.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Bilbie v. Lumley'' (1802), 2 East, 469.

* ''Ignorantia juris non excusat.'' The true meaning of that [[maxim]] is that parties cannot excuse themselves from liability from all civil or criminal consequences of their acts by alleging ignorance of the law, but there is no presumption that parties must be taken to know all the legal consequences of their acts, and especially where difficult questions of law, or of the practice of the Court are involved.
** Lord FitzGerald, ''Seaton v. Seaton'' (1888), L. R. 13 Ap. Ca. 78.

* A mere evasion, colour, disguise and device to evade the law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Sulfton v. Norton'' (1761), 3 Burr. Part IV., p.&amp;nbsp;1237.

* It has been said that ignorance of law is no excuse, but when the Court has a discretion the petitioner's ignorance of the law may be properly excused.
** Barnes, J., ''Whitworth v. Whitworth and Thomasson'' (1893), 62 L. J. Rep. P.C.C. (1893), p.&amp;nbsp;73.

* '''Very happily, the more the law is looked into, the more it appears founded in equity, reason, and good sense.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''James v. Price'' (1773), Lofft. 221.

* It being a maxim that three things are always favoured in law, life, liberty and dower.
** Per. Cur., ''Dumsday v. Hughes'' (1803), 3 Bos. and Pull. 456.

* ''Lex est sanctio jiista jubens honesta et prohibens contraria.&lt;br&gt;Lex est summa ratio.&lt;br&gt;Ratio est anima legis.&lt;br&gt;Nulla vetita ant turpia praesumuntur, sed contraria omnia legitima ataue honesta''.&lt;br&gt;'''The common lawe itselfe is nothing else but reason; which is to be understood of an artificiall perfection of reason, gotten by long study, observation, and of experience, and not of every man's natural reason'''; for ''nemo nascitur artifem''. This legall reason ''est summa ratio''. And therefore if all the reason that is dispersed into so many severall heads, were united into one, yet could he not make such a law as the law of England is, because by many successions of ages it hath been fined and refined by an infinite number of grave and learned men, and by long experience growne to such a perfection, for the gouvernment of this realme, as the old rule may be justly verified of it, ''neminem oportet esse sapientiorem legibus'': no man, out of his own private reason, ought to be wiser than the law, which is the perfection of reason.
** Lord [[Edward Coke]]'s Praise of the Law of England.

* It is true as a general proposition that knowledge of the law must be imputed to every person, but it would be too much to impute knowledge of this rule of equity; election as a question of intention of course implies knowledge.
** Lord Westbury, ''Spread v. Morgan'' (11 H. L. C. 602).

* The laws alone are they that always speak with all persons, high or low, in one and the same impartial voice. The law knows no favourites.
** Sir [[Robert Atkyns (judge)|Robert Atkyns]], L.C.B., ''Trial of Sir Edward Hales'' (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1206.

* The law would be a strange science if it rested solely upon Cases; and if after so large an increase of Commerce, Arts and Circumstances accruing, we must go to the time of Rich. I. to find a Case and see what is law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''It is far more important the law should be administered with absolute integrity, than that in this case or in that the law should be a good law or a bad one.'''
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 134.

* Every object and purpose of justice is effectually answered, and every supposed inconvenience is effectually rebutted by the law as it stands.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''King v. Woolf'' (1819), 1 Chit. 423.

* Sometimes rhetorical phrases are applied even by eminent Judges to propositions of law. In Lord Dungannon v. Smith [[Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux|Lord Brougham]] in eloquent language declared it as &quot;one of the corner stones of the law,&quot; and I understand the Lord Chancellor in the same case to have considered the decision in Jee v. Audley to be &quot;one of the landmarks.&quot;
** [[Joseph William Chitty]], J., ''In re Dawson''; ''Johnston v. Hill'' (1888), L. R. 39 C. D. 152.

* I cannot help thinking that where a person appeals to the Law of England, he must take his remedy according to the Law of England to which he has appealed.
** [[John Eardley Wilmot|Wilmot]], J., Robinson v. Bland (1760), 2 Burr. Part IV. 1084.

* '''The sparks of all the sciences in the world are raked up in the ashes of the law.'''
** Finche, L. b. 1, c. 3.

* The law is not apt to catch at actions.
** Powys, J., Ashby v. White (1703), 2 Ld. Raym. 944.

* '''It was nobly said in another place (I heard it with pleasure, and thought it becoming the dignity of the person who pronounced it, and the place in which it was pronounced) &quot;that the law is best applied, when it is subservient to the honesty of the case.&quot;'''
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Master v. Miller'' (1791), 4 T. R. 335.

* '''It is of very little consequence to the public to lay down definite rules of law, if you have indefinite rules of evidence.'''
** Thurlow, L.C., ''Fox. v. Mackreth'' (1788), 2 Cox, 320.

* It has been sometimes said, ''communis error facit jus''; but I say ''communis opinio'' is evidence of what the law is; not where it is an opinion merely floating and theoretical floating in the minds of persons but where it has been made the ground-work and substratum of practice.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Isherwood v. Oldknow'' (1815), 3M. &amp;S. (K. B. Rep.) 396, 397.

* '''Judges could by their resolution alter the practice, but never the law.'''
** [[Colin Blackburn, Baron Blackburn|Blackburn]], J., ''Reg. v. Charlesworth'' (1861), 9 Cox, C. C. 67.

* '''Law and conscience are one and the same.'''
** Bacon, J., ''Watson v. Watson'' (1670), Style's Rep. 56.

* The law is for the protection of the weak more than the strong.
** Erie, J., ''Reg v. Woolley'' (1850), 4 Cox, C. C. 196.

* The law protects nothing in that very respect, in which it is, at the same time, in the eye of the law, a crime.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Evans v. The Chamberlain of London'' (1720), (App. to Furneaux's Letters), 2 Burn's Eccl. Law, 207; Harrison v. Evans (in Error) 6 Bro. P. C. 181.

* '''The law of England will not sanction what is inconsistent with humanity.'''
** Best, J., ''Hott v. Wilkes'' (1820), 4 B. &amp; A. 319.

* The law rarely hesitates in declaring its own meaning; but the Judges are frequently puzzled to find out the meaning of others.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]] (1765), ''Commentaries'', Book III., Chapter 25, p.&amp;nbsp;336.

* '''The law does not act vindictively.'''
** Bacon, V.-C, ''Barrett v. Hammond'' (1879), L. R. 10 C. D. 289.

* '''The law has respect to human infirmity.'''
** Best, C.J., ''Robertson v. McDougall'' (1828), 4 Bing. 679.

* We cannot judge of the fact, but the law upon the fact.
** Pratt, J., ''Rex v. Inhabitantes de Haughton'' (1718), 1 Str. Rep. 84.

* As a lawyer I am before and above all things for the supremacy of law.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''The Queen v. Bishop of London'' (1889), L. R. 23 Q. B. 452.

* A Court has no right to strain the law because it causes hardship.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''Body v. Halse'' (1891) L. R. 1 Q. B. [1892], p.&amp;nbsp;207.

* Your lordships must look hardships in the face rather than break down the rules of law.
** Lord Eldon, C, ''Berkeley Peerage Case'' (1811), 4 Camp. 419.

* I would wish to do as much as possible for you; but I cannot strain the law.
** Earl of Clonwell, L.C.J., ''Jackson's Case'' (1795), 25 How. St. Tr. 879.

* '''It is a principle of law, that a person intends to do that which is the natural effect of what he does.'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Beckwith v. Wood and another'' (1817), 2 Starkie, 266.

* Hard cases, it is said, make bad law.
** Lord Campbell, C.J., ''Ex parte Long'' (1854), 3 W. R. 19.

* All arguments on the hardship of a case, either on one side or the other, must be rejected, when we are pronouncing what the law is; for such arguments are only quicksands in the law, and, if indulged, will soon swallow up every principle of it.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Yates v. Hall'', (1785), 1 T. R. 80.

* What I desire to point out is that I wish the law was not so, but that being the law, I must follow it.
** Romer, J., ''Davies v. Parry'' (1899), 1 L. R. C. D. 605.

* There is no worse torture than the torture of laws.
** Lord Bacon, folio edition, Vol. I. 440, 441.

* Hard cases, it has been frequently observed, are apt to introduce bad law.
** Wolfe, B., Winterbottom v. Wright (1842), 10 Meeson k Welsby, 116.

* General laws cannot give way to particular cases.
** [[William Henry Ashurst (judge)|William Henry Ashurst]], King v. The College of Physicians (1797), 7 T. R. 290.

* We must not, by any whimsical conceits supposed to be adapted to the altering fashions of the times, overturn the established law of the land: it descended to us as a sacred charge, and it is our duty to preserve it.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., Clayton v. Adams (1796), 6 T. R. 605.

* We must proceed according to evidence, and forms and methods of law; they may think what they will of me, but I will always declare my mind according to my conscience.
** Wright, L.C.J., ''Trial of the Seven Bishops'' (1688), 12 How. St. Tr. 344.

* '''The law of England is a law of [[liberty]].'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''William Cobbett's Case'' (1804), 24 How. St. Tr. 49.

* ''Lex Anglite est lex misericordite''. '''The law of England is a law of [[mercy]].'''
** Coke, 2 Inst. 315.

* If the law be thought to be improper or inconvenient, application to correct it must be made elsewhere, and not to those who are bound by the repeated and solemn judgments of their predecessors.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Bishop of London v. Ffytche'' (1800), 1 East, 495.

* No person is less disposed than I am to accommodate the law to the particular convenience of the case: but I am always glad when I find the strict law and the justice of the case going hand in hand together.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''Peaceable v. Read and others'' (1801), 1 East. 573.

* I agree that is the law, though I think it is a hard law; but we have nothing to do with the question of hardship.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''In re Perkins'' (1890), L. R. 24 Q. B. D. 618.

* ''Anglite jura in omni catu libertatis dant favorem'': The laws of England in every case of liberty are favourable.
** Fortescue c. 42.

* What is ridiculous and absurd never is, to my mind, to be adopted either in law or in equity.
** Brett, M.R., In re Garnett; Gandy v. Macaulay (1885), L. R. 31 C. D. 9.

* '''I think the law is generally reasonable.'''
** Cotton, L.J., Bidder v. Bridges (1887), L. J. 57 C. D. 304.

* Now when a rule of law which is against principle is alleged to be established, there are two points to be considered; first of all, was any such rule of law ever laid down by any Judge? That is the first point to be decided; and secondly, if it was so laid down, has it passed into a binding rule of law ?—that is, has it been so recognised and dealt with by subsequent Judges as to prevent a Judge of a tribunal of co-ordinate jurisdiction from saying that the decision is contrary to the course of law, and is not binding upon him.
** Jessel, M.R., ''Henty v. Wrey'' (1882), L. R. 21 C. D. 340.

* '''The picture of law triumphant and justice prostrate, is not, I am aware, without admirers. To me it is a sorry spectacle.''' The spirit of justice does not reside in formalities, or words, nor is the triumph of its administration to be found in successfully picking a way between the pitfalls of technicality. After all, the law is, or ought to be, but the handmaid of justice, and inflexibility, which is the most becoming robe of the latter, often serves to render the former grotesque. But '''any real inroad upon the rights and opportunities for defence of a person charged with a breach of the law, whereby the certainty of justice might be imperilled, I conceive to be a matter of the highest moment.'''
** [[James Wilde, 1st Baron Penzance|Lord Penzance]], ''Combe v. Edwards'' (1878), L. R. 3 P. D. 142.

* Whatever disadvantages attach to a system of unwritten law, and of these we are fully sensible, it has at least this advantage, that its elasticity enables those who administer it to adapt it to the varying conditions of society, and to the requirements and habits of the age in which we live, so as to avoid the inconsistencies and injustice which arise when the law is no longer in harmony with the wants and usages and interests of the generation to which it is immediately applied.
** [[Sir Alexander Cockburn, 12th Baronet]], C.J., ''Wason v. Walter'' (1868), L. R. 4 Q. B. 93.

* '''You say well: the law of God is the law of England; and you have heard no law else, but what is consonant to the law of reason, which is the best law of God; and here is none else urged against you.'''
** Keble, C.J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1307.

* God made man, and gave him a law to live by; and the laws of England are grounded on the laws of God: and in the laws of England every man is concerned.
** Garmond, J., Streater's Case (1653), 5 How. St. Tr. 387.

* Personally, I detest any attempt to bring the law into maxims. Maxims are invariably wrong, that is, they are so general and large that they always include something which is not intended to be included.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''Yarmouth v. France'' (1887), L. J. 57 Q. B. 9.

* Remind him as always to keep his Legions intact, for they make the law legal.
** [[w:Rex Harrison|Reginald &quot;Rex&quot; Harrison]] as Caesar, [[w:Cleopatra (1963 movie)|Cleopatra]] (1963), around 6th minute of Act I

* There is no other power in England, but a legal power to punish according to law.
** Holt, C.J., ''Duncombe's Case'' (1699), 13 How. St. Tr. 1077.

* Retrospective laws are, primd facie of questionable policy, and contrary to the general principle that legislation by which the conduct of mankind is to be regulated ought, when introduced for the first time, to deal with future acts, and ought not to change the character of past transactions carried on upon the faith of the then existing law. Leges et constitutiones futuris certum est dare formam negotiis non ad facta proBterita revocari; nisi nominatim et de praiterito tempore et adhuc pendentibus negotiis cautum sit.
** Willes, J., ''Phillips v. Eyre'' (1870), L. R. 6 Q. B. 23.

* Whatever place becomes the habitation of civilized men, there the laws of decency must be inforced.
** McDonald, C.B., ''Rex v. Crunden'' (1809), 2 Camp. 89.

* There is no law whatsoever but may be dispensed with by the Supreme Law-giver; as the laws of God may be dispensed with by God himself; as it appears by God's command to Abraham, to offer up his son Isaac: so likewise the law of man may be dispensed with by the legislator, for a law may either be too wide or too narrow, and there may be many cases which may be out of the conveniences which did induce the law to be made; for it is impossible for the wisest lawmaker to foresee all the cases that may be, or are to be remedied, and therefore there must be a power somewhere, able to dispense with these laws.
** Herbert, C.J., Hale's Case (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1196.

* ''Nova constitutio futuris formam impomere debet non praeteritis'': A new state of the law ought to affect the future, not the past.
** 2 Inst. 292.

* ''Lex prospicit non respicit'': The law looks forward, not backward.
** Jenk. Cent. 284.

* ''Omnis nova eonstitutio futuris temporibus formam imponere debet, non prateritis'': Every new enactment should affect future, not past times.
** 2 Inst. 95.

* ''Leges posteriores priores, contrarias abrogant''
** Subsequent laws repeal prior contrary laws.
** 11 Co. 626.

* If the law be so, there must be some just and honest reason for it, or else some universal settled rule of law upon which it is grounded.
** Holt, C.J., Coggs v. Bernard (1704), Raym. 909.

* If it is law, it will be found in our books. If it is not to be found there, it is not law.
** Camden, L.C.J., Case of Seizure of Papers (1765), 19 How. St. Tr. 1066.

* You were speaking of the laws being in other tongues; those that we try you by are in English; and we proceed in English against you; and therefore you have no cause to complain.
** Michel, J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1311.

* The laws of England will protect the rights of British subjects, and give a remedy for a grievance committed by one British subject upon another, in whatever country that may be done.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''Forbes v. Cochrane and Cockburn'' (1824), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 159.

* A residence in a new country often introduces a change of legal condition, which imposes rights and obligations totally inconsistent with the former rights and obligations of the same persons.
** Lord Stowell, ''The Slave Grace'' (1827), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 289; 2 Hagg. 94.

* The law of nature is that which God at the time of creation of the nature of man infused into his heart, for his preservation and direction; and this is lex ceterna, the moral law, called also the law of nature. And by this law, written with the finger of God in the heart of man, were the people of God a long time governed, before the law was written by [[Moses]], who was the first reporter or writer of law in the world.
** Lord Coke, ''Calvin's Case'' (1608), 4 Co. 21.

* ''De non apparentibus, et noti existentibia, eadem est ratio'': Things which do not appear are to be treated as the same as those which do not exist.
** Co.

* Shew me any law for that if you can, Mr. Williams, I know you are a lawyer.
** Jefferies, L.C.J., ''Trial of John Hampden'' (1684), 9 How. St. Tr. 1057.

* Every moral man is as much bound to obey the civil law of the land as the law of nature.
** Eooke, J., ''Aubert v. Maze'' (1801), 1 Bos. &amp; Pull. 375.

* If a man endeavours to obtain a repeal of those laws, which are conceived to be obnoxious, or the introduction of any laws which he believes to be salutary, if he does that legally, there is no objection to it.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''R. v. Hunt and others'' (1820), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 484.

* It would be of ill-consequence, to authenticate a body of laws, that have lain dormant for two hundred years.
** Foster, J., ''The King v. Bishop of Ely'' (1750), 1 Black. Rep. 59.

* Legality and oppression are not unknown to run hand in hand.
** [[Henry Hawkins, 1st Baron Brampton|Hawkins]], J., ''Roberts v. Jones; Willey v. Great Northern Railway Co.'' (1891), L. R. 2 Q. B. [1891], p.&amp;nbsp;203.

* The law has prescribed a particular method, and we cannot alter the law, nor prevent the inconveniences.
** Holt, C.J., ''Tawney's Case'' (1703), 2 Raym. 1013.

* '''Necessity is the law of the time and action, and things are lawful by necessity, which otherwise are not'''; &quot;''Quicguid necessitas cogit, defendit''&quot;; and the law of the time must regulate the law of the place in such public things.
** [[w:Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow| Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow]], ''[[w:John Hampden|Hampden]]'s Case'' (1637), 3 How. St. Tr. 927.

* It is a public scandal when the law is forced to uphold a dishonest act.
** Lord [[Edward Macnaghten, Baron Macnaghten|Macnaghten‎]], ''Nordenfelt v. Maxim Nordenfelt &amp;c. Co.'' (1894), L. R. App. Ca. Part 5, p.&amp;nbsp;573.

* Sans fact conus, est impossible de seier la ley sur cest fact: Without a known fact, it is impossible to know the law on that fact.
** Vaughan, J., ''Bushel's Case'' (1670), Jones's (Sir Thos.) Rep. 16.

* ''Necessitas est lex temporis et loci''
** '''Necessity is the law of time and place.'''
** ''Hale's V. C.'' 54.

* '''The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.'''
** Per Cur., ''Manby v. Scott'' (1672), 1 Levinz, 4; 2 Sm. L. C. (8th ed.) 446.

==''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989)==
* He that keepeth the law of the Lord getteth the understanding thereof: and the perfection of the fear of the Lord is wisdom.
** The Bible (Apocrypha), Ecclesiasticus 21:11.

* If you like laws and sausages, you should never watch either one being made.
** Widely attributed to [[Otto von Bismarck]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* So great moreover is the regard of the law for private property, that it will not authorize the least violation of it; no, not even for the general good of the whole community.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries on the Laws of England'' (1783, reprinted 1978), 9th ed., book 1, chapter 1, section 3, p. 139.

* Law never ''is'', but is always about to be.
** [[Benjamin Cardozo]], lecture to Yale Law School, 1921; ''The Nature of the Judicial Process'' (1921), lecture 3, p. 126.

* There is no jewel in the world comparable to learning; no learning so excellent both for Prince and subject, as knowledge of laws; and no knowledge of any laws (I speak of human) so necessary for all estates and for all causes, concerning goods, lands or life, as the common laws of England.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Le Second Part Des Reportes Del Edward Coke'' (1600–1659), p. vi . Spelling modernized, as reported in ''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989).

* Good men must not obey the laws too well.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'', in ''The Complete Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1929), vol. 1, p. 300.

* Republics abound in young civilians who believe that the laws make the city, that grave modifications of the policy and modes of living and employments of the population, that commerce, education and religion may be voted in or out; and that any measure, though it were absurd, may be imposed on a people if only you can get sufficient voices to make it a law. But the wise know that foolish legislation is a rope of sand which perishes in the twisting; that the State must follow and not lead the character and progress of the citizen; that the form of government which prevails is the expression of what cultivation exists in the population which permits it. The law is only a memorandum.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'' in ''The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1903), vol. 3, p. 199–200.

* It cannot be helped, it is as it should be, that the law is behind the times.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], speech at Harvard Law School Association of New York, New York City (February 15, 1913); ''Speeches by Oliver Wendell Holmes'' (1934), p. 101.

* It is revolting to have no better reason for a rule of law than that so it was laid down in the time of Henry IV.
**[[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], associate justice, supreme court of Massachusetts, address delivered at the dedication of the new hall of Boston University School of Law, Boston, Massachusetts (January 8, 1897), Holmes, ''Address Delivered at the Dedication…'' (1897), p. 18.

* The laws of God, the laws of man,&lt;br&gt;He may keep that will and can;&lt;br&gt;Not I: let God and man decree&lt;br&gt;Laws for themselves and not for me;&lt;br&gt;And if my ways are not as theirs&lt;br&gt;Let them mind their own affairs.
** [[A. E. Housman]], &quot;The laws of God, the laws of man&quot;, line 1–6, ''Last Poems'', in ''The Collected Poems'' (1967), p. 79.

* A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John B. Colvin (September 20, 1810), in Paul L. Ford, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1898), vol. 9, p. 279.

* There is, therefore, only one [[categorical imperative]]. It is: Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals'' (1969), trans. Lewis W. Beck, ed. Robert P. Wolff, section 2, p. 44.

* Because just as good morals, if they are to be maintained, have need of the laws, so the laws, if they are to be observed, have need of good morals.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Discourses on the First Decade of Titus Livius'' (1965), trans. Allan Gilbert, book 1, chapter 18, p. 241.

* It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is to-day, can guess what it will be to-morrow.
** [[James Madison]] (?), ''The Federalist'', ed. Benjamin F. Wright (1961), no. 62, p. 411–12.

== See also ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[Agency theory]]
* [[Antinomianism]]
*[[Atonement]]
* [[Autonomy]]
*[[Corruption]]
* [[Dharma]]
* [[Golden Rule]]
* [[Government]]
* [[Halakha]]
* [[International Criminal Court]]
* [[International law]]
* [[Judges]]
* [[Justice]]
{{col-2}}
*[[Karma]]
* [[Lawyers]]
* [[Legislators]]
* [[Legislature]]
* [[Rational-legal authority]]
* [[Reincarnation]]
* [[Rule of law|Rule of Law]]
* [[Rules]]
* [[Sharia]]
* [[State]]
*[[Tyranny]]
{{col-end}}
== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|law}}
{{Social and political philosophy}}
[[Category:Law| ]]
[[bg:Закон — Законодателство — Законотворци]]
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[[ru:Закон]]
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[[fa:قانون]]</text>
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      <text bytes="142945" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Speyer (DerHexer) 2010-12-19 051.jpg|thumb|The law, in its [[majestic]] [[equality]], forbids the [[rich]] as well as the [[poor]] to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to [[steal]] bread. ~ [[Anatole France]] ]]
'''[[w:Law|Law]]''' is a term referring to sociological or scientific norms, or established systems of expression based upon them. In social or political terms, the [[rule of law]] refers to a [[system]] of [[rules]] created and [[w:Law enforcement|enforced]] through [[Social institutions|social]] or {{w|governmental institutions}} to regulate [[Human behavior|behavior]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anonymous]] · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' ·  ''[[#The Dictionary of Legal Quotations (1904)|Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Legal&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Respectfully Quoted (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted]]''}}

== A==
[[File:Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne.jpg|thumb|'''An unjust law is no law at all.''' ~ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ]]
[[File:Aung_San_Suu_Kyi_December_2011_(cropped).jpg|thumb|The Universal Declaration of Human Rights recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the rule of law. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] ]]

* The more [[corrupt]] a [[society]], the more numerous its laws.
** [[Edward Abbey]], ''A Voice Crying in the Wilderness (Vox Clamantis in Deserto)'' (1990).

* A government of laws and not of men.
** [[John Adams]], &quot;Novanglus Papers&quot;, no. 7. Reported in Charles Francis Adams, ed., ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 106. Adams published articles in 1774 in the Boston, Massachusetts, ''Gazette'' using the pseudonym &quot;Novanglus&quot;. In this paper he credited James Harrington with expressing the idea this way. Harrington described government as &quot;the empire of laws and not of men&quot; in his 1656 work, ''The Commonwealth of Oceana'' (1771), p. 35. The phrase gained wider currency when Adams used it in the Massachusetts Constitution, Bill of Rights, article 30 (1780). ''The Works of John Adams'' (1851), vol. 4, p. 230.

* Law is [[king]] of all.
** [[Henry Alford]], ''School of the Heart'' (1835), Lesson 6.

* Law is a Bottomless-Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy, that devours every thing.
** [[John Arbuthnot]], in Alan W. Bower and Robert A. Erickson, eds., ''The History of John Bull'' (1976 [first published in 1712]), chapter 6, p. 10.

* Law is order, and good law is good order.
** [[Aristotle]] ''Politics'' Book VII, 1326.a29.

* Surely we will not dare say that these laws are unjust, or rather, that they are not laws at all. For it seems to me that an unjust law is no law at all.
**[[Augustine of Hippo]], ''On Free Choice of the Will'', as translated by Thomas Williams (1993) [http://books.google.com/books?id=axCM5xaDKZ0C&amp;pg=PA8&amp;lpg=PA8 p. 8].

* The [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] recognizes that 'if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression', human rights should be protected by the [[rule of law]]. That just laws which uphold human rights are the necessary foundation of peace and security would be denied only by closed minds which interpret peace as the silence of all opposition and security as the assurance of their own power.
** [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], [http://www.ibiblio.org/obl/docs3/In_Quest_of_Democracy-ocr.pdf ''In Quest of Democracy''] (1991).

==B==
[[File:Buste-bastiat.JPG|thumb|When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. ~ [[Frédéric Bastiat]]]]
[[File:Iustitia van Heemskerck.png|thumb|A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people. ~ [[Ambrose Bierce]] ]]
[[File:Brandeis office 1916.jpg|thumb|If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]]. ~ [[Louis Brandeis]]] ]]

* ''La loi est bonne, elle est nécessaire, l'exécution en est mauvaise, et les mœurs jugent les lois d'après la manière dont elles s'exécutent.''
** The law is good, it is necessary, its execution is poor, and the manners judge the laws based on the manner in which they are executed.
*** [[Honoré de Balzac]], ''Splendeurs et Misères des courtisanes'' (1838-1847), part 3, ''Où mènent les mauvais chemins'' (''The Ends of Evil Ways''), &quot;Ce qu'est un juge d'instruction pour ceux qui n'en ont pas&quot; (&quot;What a Judge Is for Those Who Do Not Have One&quot;) (title of the chapter).

* ''Lorsque la Spoliation est devenue le moyen d’existence d’une agglomération d’hommes unis entre eux par le lien social, ils se font bientôt une loi qui la sanctionne, une morale qui la glorifie.''
** When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.
*** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Economic Sophisms'', 2nd series (1848), ch. 1 Physiology of plunder (&quot;Sophismes économiques&quot;, 2ème série (1848), chap. 1 &quot;Physiologie de la spoliation&quot;).

* You would oppose law to [[socialism]]. But it is the law which socialism invokes. It aspires to legal, not extra-legal plunder…. You wish to prevent it from taking any part in the making of laws. You would keep it outside the Legislative Palace. In this you will not succeed, I venture to prophesy, so long as legal plunder is the basis of the legislation within.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It is absolutely necessary that this question of legal plunder should be determined, and there are only three solutions of it:—&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. When the few plunder the many.&lt;br&gt;2. When everybody plunders everybody else.&lt;br&gt;3. When nobody plunders anybody.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder, universal plunder, absence of plunder, amongst these we have to make our choice. The law can only produce one of these results.&lt;br&gt;Partial plunder.—This is the system which prevailed so long as the elective privilege was partial; a system which is resorted to, to avoid the invasion of socialism.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Universal plunder.—We have been threatened by this system when the elective privilege has become universal; the masses having conceived the idea of making law, on the principle of legislators who had preceded them.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Absence of plunder.—This is the principle of justice, peace, order, stability, conciliation, and of good sense.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''Essays on Political Economy'' (c. 1850s), part 4, &quot;The Law&quot;, p. 20.

* Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.
** [[Frédéric Bastiat]], ''The Law'' (1850)

* Any law that takes hold of a man's daily life cannot prevail in a community, unless the vast majority of the community are actively in favor of it. The laws that are the most operative are the laws which protect life.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], &quot;Civil Law and the Sabbath&quot; (sermon delivered December 3, 1882); reported in ''Plymouth Pulpit'' (1883), vol. 5 (new series), p. 416.

* When laws, customs, or institutions cease to be beneficial to man, they cease to be obligatory.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Life Thoughts'' (1858), p. 34.

*The Invariability of Law. That we live in a realm of law, that we arc surrounded by laws that we cannot break, this is a truism. Yet when the fact is recognised in a real and vital way, and when it is seen to be a fact in the mental and moral world as much as in the physical, a certain sense of helplessness is apt to overpower us, as though we felt ourselves in the grip of some mighty Power, that, seizing us, whirls us away whither it will.  The very reverse of this is in reality the case, for the mighty Power, when it is understood, will obediently carry us whither we will; all forces in Nature can be used in proportion as they are understood  “Nature is conquered by obedience ” — and her resistless energies are at our bidding as soon as we, by knowledge, work with them and not  against them. We can choose out of her boundless stores the forces that serve our purpose in momentum, in direction, and so on, and their very invariability becomes the guarantee of our success. p. 6
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*On the invariability of law depend the security of scientific experiment, and all power of planning a result and of predicting the future. On this the chemist rests, sure that Nature will ever respond in the same way, if he be precise in putting his questions. A variation in his results is taken by him as implying a change in his procedure, not a change in Nature. And so with all human action; the more it is based on knowledge, the more secure is it in its forecastings, for all “accident&quot; is the result of ignorance, and is due to the working of laws whose presence was unknown or overlooked. In the mental and moral worlds, as much as in the physical, results can be foreseen, planned for, calculated on. Nature never betrays us; we are betrayed by our own blindness. p. 7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'',  by Annie Besant] (1895) 

*That law should be as invariable in the mental and moral worlds as in the physical is to be expected, since the universe is the emanation of the One, and what we call Law is but the expression of the Divine Nature. As there is one Lite emanating all, so there is one Law sustaining all ; the worlds rest on this rock of the Divine Nature as on a secure, immutable foundation.  p.7
**[[Annie Besant]], [https://archive.org/details/TheosophicalManualsNoIVKarma Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant] (1895) 

* This assurance that '''perfect Justice rules the world''' finds support from the increasing knowledge of the evolving Soul; for as it advances and begins to see on higher planes and to transmit its knowledge to the waking consciousness, we learn with ever-growing certainty, and therefore with ever-increasing joy, that the Good Law is working with undeviating accuracy, that its Agents apply it everywhere with unerring insight, with unfailing strength, and that all is therefore very well with the world and with its struggling Souls. 
**[[Annie Besant]], Theosophical Manuals No IV: ''Karma'', by Annie Besant (1895) 

* Such is an outline of the great Law of [[Karma]] and of its workings, by a knowledge of which a man may accelerate his evolution, by the utilization of which a man may free himself from bondage, and become, long ere his race has trodden its course, one of the Helpers and Saviours of the World. A deep and steady conviction of the truth of this Law gives to life an immovable serenity and a perfect fearlessness: nothing can touch us that we have not wrought, nothing can injure us that we have not merited. And as everything that we have sown must ripen into harvest in due season, and must be reaped, it is idle to lament over the reaping when it is painful; it may as well be done now as at any future time, since it cannot be evaded, and, once done, it cannot return to trouble us again. 
**[[Annie Besant]], ''Karma'', (1895) Ch. XIII, Conclusion

* Ere man could know what was right, he had to learn the existence of the law, and this he could only learn by following all that attracted him in the outer world, by grasping every desirable object, and then by learning from experience, sweet or bitter, whether his delight was in harmony or in conflict with the law. Let us take an obvious example, the taking of pleasant food, and see how infant man might learn there from the presence of a natural law. At the first taking, his hunger was appeased, his taste was gratified, and only pleasure resulted from the experience, for his action was in harmony with law. On another occasion, desiring to increase pleasure, he ate overmuch and suffered in consequence, for he transgressed against the law. A confusing experience to the dawning intelligence, how the pleasurable became painful by excess.
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* Over and over again he would be led by desire into excess, and each time he would experience the painful consequences, until at last he learned moderation, i.e., he learned to conform his bodily acts in this respect to physical law; for he found that there were conditions which affected him and which he could not control, and that only by observing them could physical happiness be insured. Similar experiences flowed in upon him through all the bodily organs, with undeviating regularity; his outrushing desires brought him pleasure or pain just as they worked with the laws of Nature or against them, and, as experience increased, it began to guide his steps, to influence his choice. It was not as though he had to begin his experience anew with every life, for on each [[Reincarnation|new birth]] he brought with him mental faculties a little increased, and ever-accumulating store.  
**[[Annie Besant]], [[Annie_Besant#The_Ancient_Wisdom_(1897)|''The Ancient Wisdom'']], Chapter VII, Reincanation, (1897)

* A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]]. 'Industrial Discontent', ''The Shadow on the Dial and other Essays'' (1909).

* The law is not a &quot;light&quot; for you or any man to see by; the law is not an instrument of any kind. The law is a causeway upon which so long as he keeps to it a citizen may walk safely.
** [[Robert Bolt]], ''A Man for All Seasons'' (1967), act II, p. 92. Sir Thomas More is speaking.

* ''Wo wir unfähig sind, die Gesetze der Notwendigkeit zu erkennen, da glauben wir, frei zu sein.''
** When we are incapable of recognizing the laws of necessity, we believe ourselves to be free.
*** [[w:Ludwig Börne|Ludwig Börne]], as quoted in ''Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists'' (2007) by James Geary, p. 16.
**** Variant translation: Wherever it is impossible for us to recognize the law of necessity, we believe we are free.

*'''[N]o law, written or unwritten, can be understood without a full knowledge of the facts out of which it arises, and to which it is to be applied.'''
** Justice [[Louis Brandeis]] ''The Living Law'', 10 Illinois Law Review 461, 467 (1915-16).

* '''If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law. It invites every man to become [[Individualism|a law unto himself]]. It invites [[anarchism|anarchy]].'''
** Justice [[Louis Brandeis]], dissenting; ''[[w:Olmstead v. United States|Olmstead v. United States]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?navby=CASE&amp;court=US&amp;vol=277&amp;page=438 277 U.S. 438, (1928)].

*'''The law is simply and solely made for the exploitation of those who do not understand it or of those who, for naked need, cannot obey it.'''
**[[Bertolt Brecht]], ''The Threepenny Opera'' Act 3, scene 1, p. 74, character of Polly Peachum

* As in elections, the law pretended universal rights, while securing the interests of powerful houses.
** [[David Brin]], ''[[w:Glory Season|Glory Season]]'' (1993), chapter 27.

* Our wrangling lawyers ... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think they will plead their clients' causes hereafter, some of them in hell.
** [[Robert Burton]], ''The Anatomy of Melancholy'' (1621), ''Democritus to the Reader''.

* Your [[w:Pettifog|pettifoggers]] damn their souls,&lt;br&gt;To share with knaves in cheating [[fools]].
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto I, line 515.

* Is not the winding up witnesses,&lt;br&gt;And nicking, more than half the bus'ness?&lt;br&gt;For witnesses, like watches, go&lt;br&gt;Just as they're set, too fast or slow;&lt;br&gt;And where in Conscience they're strait-lac'd,&lt;br&gt;'Tis ten to one that side is cast.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto II, line 359.

==C==
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its commands, and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. ~ [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]] ]]
[[File:United_States_Declaration_of_Independence.jpg|thumb|It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]] ]]

* An unconstitutional act is not law; it confers no rights; it imposes no duties; affords no protection; it creates no office; it is in legal contemplation, as inoperative as though it had never been passed.
** J. Chase, writing the opinion in ''Norton vs. Shelby County'', 118 U.S. 425, p. 442.

* A world contrary to God must be kept within bounds by the world’s sword. But true Christians love God and their neighbors as themselves; they commit no evil by the grace of God. It is not necessary to compel them to goodness since they know better what is good than the law imposing [[authority]].
** [[Petr Chelčický]], ''Net of Faith'' (1443),  E. Molnár, trans. (1947), Chapter 95.

* For there is but one essential [[justice]] which cements [[society]], and one law which establishes this justice. This law is right [[reason]], which is the true [[rule]] of all commandments and prohibitions. Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is [[Necessity|necessarily]] unjust and wicked.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], [[w:De Legibus|''De Legibus (On the Laws)'']], [http://books.google.com/books?id=SRwYAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22For+There+is+but+one+essential+justice+which+cements+society+and+one+law+which+establishes+this+justice+This+law+is+right+reason+which+is+the+true+rule+of+all+commandments+and+prohibitions+Whoever+neglects+this+law+whether+written+or+unwritten+is+necessarily+unjust+and+wicked%22&amp;pg=PA417#v=onepage Book I, Chapter XV] (translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]]).

* True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to duty by its [[commands]], and averts from wrong-doing by its prohibitions. And it does not lay its commands or prohibitions upon good men in vain, though neither have any effect on the wicked. It is a [[sin]] to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it. And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, God, over us all, for he is the author of this law, its promulgator, and its enforcing [[judge]]. Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his human nature, and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst penalties, even if he escapes what is commonly considered punishment.
** [[Marcus Tullius Cicero]], ''De Re Publica'' (''The Republic''), book 3, paragraph 22; in ''De Re Publica, De Legibus'', trans. Clinton W. Keyes (1943), p. 211.

* I think it can be shown that the law makes ten criminals where it restrains one.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/etf.html  &quot;The Economic Tendency of Freethought&quot; in ''Liberty'', Vol. XI, #25 (15 February 1890)].

* Everyone should be respected by the law, and everyone should respect the law.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], First presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (September 26, 2016).

*Men do not make laws. They do but discover them. Laws must be justified by something more than the will of the majority. They must rest on the eternal foundation of righteousness. That state is most fortunate in its form of government which has the aptest instruments for the discovery of law.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], to the Massachusetts State Senate, January 7, 1914

* It is not the enactment, but the observance of laws, that creates the character of a nation.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], &quot;[[s:Calvin Coolidge's Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence|Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence]]&quot;, 5 July 1926.

*The great [[Law of Cause and Effect]] (the Law of Karma in the East) and the connected [[Reincarnation|Law of Rebirth]] [are] the basic laws of our... existence. The correct understanding and following of these two laws are prerequisites for the creation of harmlessness in every sphere of our lives and thus also for the creation of right human relations, itself the prerequisite for human happiness.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_Art_of_Living:_Living_within_the_Laws_of_Life_(2006)|''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'']], (2006)

* If we do not know that there are laws and rules, we end up as we are today and at all times previously, in a mess, a catastrophic situation, totally out of kilter
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Life proceeds under law. Simple and obvious as it appears, it is something which has been left out of the equation. How many people, how many philosophers writing about the meaning and purpose of life, write about reincarnation as one of the laws, the Great Law of life? It is only in the esoteric teaching that the Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is realized for what it is... The Law of Karma, the Law of Cause and Effect, is the Great Law governing all of our existence. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Every thought, every action we make sets into motion a cause. The effects stemming from these causes make our lives for good or ill. We do it to ourselves. Because this Law substands the human condition on planet Earth, we are bound by it. There is nothing we can do about it except be harmless.  If you are harmless, you obey the Law. If you create right action, therefore, from right action can come only right reaction. But nine times out of ten, given the chance, humanity has created wrong action. We have always made wars. We have always stolen. We have always been greedy, selfish and complacent... Hence the fact that we have a world that is destructive. 
** [[Benjamin Creme]], ''The Art of Living: Living within the Laws of Life'', (2006)

* Necessity hath no law. Feigned necessities, imagined necessities... are the greatest cozenage that men can put upon the Providence of God, and make pretenses to break known rules by.
** [[Oliver Cromwell]], in a speech to the First Protectorate Parliament (12 September 1654).

==D==
[[File:Roque Dalton (1969).jpg|thumb|Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.&lt;br&gt;~ [[Roque Dalton]]]]
[[File:JUL Soul Iris.png|thumb|Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous [[Necessity]]— by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are [[miracles]]. ~ [[Leonardo da Vinci]] ]]

* Here forms, here colours, here the character of every part of the universe are concentrated to a point; and that point is so marvellous a thing … Oh! marvellous, O stupendous Necessity — by thy laws thou dost compel every effect to be the direct result of its cause, by the shortest path. ''These'' are miracles.
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], in speaking of the pupil of the eye in ''The Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci'', Vol. I, as translated by Jean Paul Richter (1888).

*''Las leyes son para que las cumplan&lt;br&gt;los pobres.&lt;br&gt;Las leyes son hechas por los ricos&lt;br&gt;para poner un poco de orden a la explotación.&lt;br&gt;Los pobres son los únicos cumplidores de leyes de la historia.&lt;br&gt;Cuando los pobres hagan las leyes&lt;br&gt;ya no habrá ricos''.
**Laws are created to be followed&lt;br&gt;by the poor.&lt;br&gt;Laws are made by the rich&lt;br&gt;to bring some order to exploitation.&lt;br&gt;The poor are the only law abiders in history.&lt;br&gt;When the poor make laws&lt;br&gt;the rich will be no more.
*** [[Roque Dalton]], ''Poema de Amor''

* Make every private Sentinel, every Musquetier, both Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
** [[Daniel Defoe]], &quot;Memoirs of the Church of Scotland&quot; (1717).

* The law of [[Jehovah]] is perfect, restoring strength. The reminder of Jehovah is trustworthy, making the inexperienced one wise.
** [[David]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/19/19#h=331:0-333:0 Psalm 19:7], [[New World Translation]].
*Law can only prohibit such actions as are hurtful to society. Nothing may be prevented which is not forbidden by law, and no one may be forced to do anything not provided for by law.
**''Declaration of the Rights of Man'', France 1789, Fourth
* &quot;If the law supposes that,&quot; said Mr. Bumble, &quot;the law is a ass, a idiot.&quot; If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is that his eye may be opened by experience—by experience&quot;.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Oliver Twist'' (first published serially 1837–1839; 1970 edition), chapter 51, p. 489.

* The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1853).

* If it's near dinner time, the foreman takes out his watch when the jury have retired and says: &quot;Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen.&quot; &quot;So do I,&quot; says everybody else except two men who ought to have dined at three, and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts up his watch: &quot;Well, gentlemen, what do we say? Plaintiff, defendant, gentlemen? I rather think so far as I am concerned, gentlemen — I say I rather think — but don't let that influence you — I rather think the plaintiff's the man.&quot; Upon this two or three other men are sure to say they think so too — as of course they do; and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' business. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Pickwick Papers]]'' (1836), Volume II, Chapter VI.

* There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets. 
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Nicholas Nickleby]]'' (1838-1839), Chapter XLVI. 

*I know it is said that marital alliance between these races is unnatural, abhorrent and impossible; but exclamations of this kind only shake the air. They prove nothing against a stubborn fact like that which confronts us daily and which is open to the observation of all. If this blending of the two races were impossible we should not have at least one-fourth of our colored population composed of persons of mixed blood, ranging all the way from a dark-brown color to the point where there is no visible admixture. Besides, it is obvious to common sense that there is no need of the passage of laws, or the adoption of other devices, to prevent what is in itself impossible.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-future-of-the-colored-race/ &quot;The Future of the Colored Race&quot;] (May 1886).

* We live in and by the law. It makes us what we are: citizens and employees and doctors and spouses and people who own things. It is sword, shield, and menace: we insist on our wage, or refuse to pay our rent, or are forced to forfeit penalties, or are closed up in jail, all in the name of what our abstract and ethereal sovereign, the law, has decreed. And we ''argue'' about what it has decreed, even when the books that are supposed to record its commands and directions are silent; we act then as if law had muttered its doom, too low to be heard distinctly. We are subjects of law's empire, liegemen to its methods and ideals, bound in spirit while we debate what we must therefore do.
** [[Ronald Dworkin]], Preface to ''Law's Empire'' (1986).

==E==
&lt;!--[[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|They constantly try to escape//From the darkness outside and within//By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good. ~ [[T. S. Eliot]]]]--&gt;
[[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|right|thumb|If a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just. ~ [[Epicurus]]]]

* They constantly try to escape
:From the darkness outside and within
:By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good.
:* [[T. S. Eliot]], ''The Rock''.

* ''' Among the things held to be just by law, whatever is proved to be of advantage in men's dealings has the stamp of justice, whether or not it be the same for all; but '''if a man makes a law and it does not prove to be mutually advantageous, then this is no longer just.''' And if what is mutually advantageous varies and only for a [[time]] corresponds to our concept of justice, nevertheless for that time it is just for those who do not trouble themselves about empty [[words]], but look simply at the [[facts]].''' 
** [[Epicurus]], Number 37 of the 40 &quot;Sovran Maxims&quot; (or &quot;Sovereign Maxims), or [http://classics.mit.edu/Epicurus/princdoc.html &quot;Principal Doctrines&quot; as translated by Robert Drew Hicks]

* * '''We look upon this shaken Earth, and we declare our firm and fixed purpose — the building of a peace with justice in a world where moral law prevails. The building of such a peace is a bold and solemn purpose. To proclaim it is easy. To serve it will be hard.''' And to attain it, we must be aware of its full meaning — and ready to pay its full price. We know clearly what we seek, and why. We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom. And now, as in no other age, we seek it because we have been warned, by the power of modern weapons, that peace may be the only climate possible for human life itself. Yet this peace we seek cannot be born of fear alone: it must be rooted in the lives of nations. '''There must be justice, sensed and shared by all peoples, for, without justice the world can know only a tense and unstable truce. There must be law, steadily invoked and respected by all nations, for without law, the world promises only such meager justice as the pity of the strong upon the weak. But the law of which we speak, comprehending the values of freedom, affirms the equality of all nations, great and small. Splendid as can be the blessings of such a peace, high will be its cost: in toil patiently sustained, in help honorably given, in sacrifice calmly borne.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[s:Dwight Eisenhower's Second Inaugural Address|Second Inaugural Address (21 January 1957)]]

==F==
[[File:American law digests.jpg|thumb|If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then tyranny. ~ [[Felix Frankfurter]] ]]

* ''La majestueuse égalité des lois, qui interdit au riche comme au pauvre de coucher sous les ponts, de mendier dans les rues et de voler du pain.''
** In its majestic equality, the law forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets and steal loaves of bread.
*** [[Anatole France]], ''[http://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Le_Lys_rouge/VII Le Lys Rouge]'' [The Red Lily] (1894), ch. 7
**** Variant: How noble the law, in its majestic equality, that both the rich and poor are equally prohibited from peeing in the streets, sleeping under bridges, and stealing bread!

* If one man can be allowed to determine for himself what is law, every man can. That means first chaos, then [[tyranny]]. Legal process is an essential part of the democratic process.
** [[Felix Frankfurter]], concurring, ''United States v. Mine Workers'', 330 U.S. 312 (1946).

* I am a lover of [[truth]], a worshipper of [[freedom]], a celebrant at the altar of [[language]] and [[purity]] and [[tolerance]]. That is my [[religion]], and every day I am sorely, grossly, heinously and deeply offended, wounded, mortified and injured by a thousand different blasphemies against it. When the fundamental canons of truth, [[honesty]], [[compassion]] and decency are hourly assaulted by fatuous bishops, pompous, illiberal and ignorant priests, politicians and prelates, sanctimonious censors, self-appointed moralists and busy-bodies, what recourse of ancient laws have I? None whatever. Nor would I ask for any. For unlike these blistering imbeciles my [[belief]] in my religion is strong and I know that [[lies]] will always fail and indecency and intolerance will always perish.
** [[Stephen Fry]], in his &quot;Trefusis Blasphemes&quot; radio broadcast, as published in ''Paperweight'' (1993).

==G==
[[File:Clarence Earl Gideon.jpg|thumb|I believe that each era finds an improvement in law for the benefit of mankind. ~ [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]] ]]
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|[[Necessity]] knows no law but makes law. ~ [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]] ]]

* '''I believe that each era finds a [sic] improvement in law each year brings something new for the benefit of mankind.''' Maybe this will be one of those small steps forward, in the past thirty-five years I have seen great advancement in [[courts]] in penal servitude.
** [[w:Clarence Earl Gideon|Clarence Earl Gideon]], Letter from Clarence Earl Gideon to Abe Fortas (November 1962), page 22, Quoted in: Anthony Lewis, Gideon's Trumpet 65-78 (Vintage 1966) (1964), note 2 at page 78. Source: Jack King (2012): ''Clarence Earl Gideon: Unlikely World-Shaker''. The Champion Issue June 2012 by the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, page 58. [https://web.archive.org/web/20200813231044/https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl Archived] from [https://www.nacdl.org/Article/June2012-ClarenceEarlGideonUnlikelyWorl the original] on August 13, 2020.

* The Law is the true embodiment,&lt;br&gt;Of everything that's excellent,&lt;br&gt;It has no kind of fault or flaw,&lt;br&gt;And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
** [[W.S. Gilbert]], ''[[w:Iolanthe|Iolanthe]]'' (1882).

* '''The function of the [[lawyer]] is to preserve a [[skepticism|sceptical]] [[relativism]] in a [[society]] hell-bent for absolutes. The worse the society, the more law there will be. In [[Hell]] there will be nothing but law and due process will be meticulously observed.'''
** [[w:Grant Gilmore|Grant Gilmore]], ''The Ages of American Law'' (1977), p. 110. &lt;!-- reported in George W. Liebmann, ''The Common Law Tradition: A Collective Portrait of Five Legal Scholars'' (2006), p. 177 --&gt;

* Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 386. Same in ''Vicar of Wakefield''.

* The rule of law can be wiped out in one misguided, however well-intentioned generation. And if that should happen, it could take a century of striving and ordeal to restore it, and then only at the cost of the lives of many good men and women.
** William T. Gossett, President of the [[w:American Bar Association|American Bar Association]] in a speech (9 August 1969).

* It is the law of life that if you are kind to someone you feel happy. If you are cruel you are unhappy. And if you hurt someone, you will be hurt back.
** [[Cary Grant]], as quoted in [http://www.carygrant.net/articles/thinks%20about.htm &quot;Love – That’s All Cary Grant Ever Thinks About&quot;] by  [[w:Sheilah Graham Westbrook|Sheilah Graham Westbrook]] in ''Motion Picture'' (June 1964).

* I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], ''Inaugural Address'' (4 March 1869).

* If you cannot recognise the will of the Führer as a source of law, then you cannot remain a [[judge]].
** [[w:Franz Gürtner|Franz Gürtner]] response to [[w:Lothar Kreyssig|Lothar Kreyssig]]; as quoted in Kershaw, Ian (2000). ''Hitler: 1936–1945 Nemesis''. II. New York: Norton. ISBN 978-0-393-32252-1. p.254.

==H==
[[File:Muttich, Kamil Vladislav - Posledni vyzvani mistru Husovi.jpg|thumb|The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law. ~ [[Jan Hus]]]]

* The law regards man as man, and takes no account of his surroundings or of his color when his civil rights as guaranteed by the supreme law of the land are involved.
**[[John Marshall Harlan]], ''[[w:Plessy v. Ferguson|Plessy v. Ferguson]]'', 163 U.S. 537, 559 (1896).

* It seems to me that any law that is not enforced and can’t be enforced weakens all other laws.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Friday (novel)|Friday]]'' (1982), {{ISBN|0-345-30988-X}}, p. 241

* The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax,&lt;br/&gt;But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax.
** [[A. P. Herbert]], Speech to Parliament, 1930s; as quoted in ''The Pendulum Years'' (1970) by Bernard Levin, p. 16.

* '''The life of the law has not been logic; it has been experience... The law embodies the story of a nation's development through many centuries, and it cannot be dealt with as if it contained only the axioms and corollaries of a book of mathematics.'''
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], ''[[w:The Common Law|The Common Law]]'' (1881), p. 1.

* The only law that a Christian should listen to and read is the law of God's Commandments. And it is not right to comply with, implement or observe any other law.
** [[Jan Hus]] in ''Výklad viery, desatera a páteře'' (''Interpretation of the Faith, the Ten Commandments and the Lord's Prayer'') as quoted in ''A Companion to Jan Hus'' (2015) by František Šmahel (ed.), pp. 231.

==J==
[[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of injustice and inequality is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]] ]]

*Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add &quot;within the limits of the law&quot; because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual. '''
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819).

* Do not lay down any [[rules]] beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.
** [[Jesus]], attributed by [[W:Gospel of Mary#Which Mary?|Mary]] in the [[Berlin Codex]], ''{{w|Gospel of Mary}}'',  [http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Chapter 4]

* The ruling powers tell us poor lower-class folks that we have an obligation, a social responsibility to society, to abide by the law, but they don’t have any social responsibility to us to help us meet our needs. It’s pure [[bourgeoisie]] [[class conflict|class-based]] [[Ideology|morality]], a morality that serves the [[ruling class]], not the [[masses]] of the [[oppressed]].
** [[Kevin Rashid Johnson]], ''Defying the Tomb: Selected Prison Writings and Art of Kevin Rashid Johnson'' (2010)

* The law cannot save those who deny it but neither can the law serve any who do not use it. The history of [[injustice]] and [[inequality]] is a history of disuse of the law. Law has not failed--and is not failing. We as a nation have failed ourselves by not trusting the law and by not using the law to gain sooner the ends of justice which law alone serves.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], speaking at [[w:Gettysburg, Pennsylvania |Gettysburg, Pennsylvania]] on the occasional of [[w:Memorial Day|Memorial Day]] (May 30, 1963). Source: [http://www.lbjlib.utexas.edu/johnson/archives.hom/speeches.hom/630530.asp Press Release, &quot;5/30/63, Remarks by Vice President, Memorial Day, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania,&quot; Statements File, Box 80, LBJ Library.]

* We all know that the roots of injustice run deep. But violence cannot redress a solitary wrong, or remedy a single unfairness. Of course, all America is outraged at the assassination of [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|an outstanding Negro leader]] who was at that meeting that afternoon in the White House in 1966. And America is also outraged at the looting and the burning that defiles our democracy. We just must put our shoulders together and put a stop to both. The time is here. Action must be now. So, I would appeal to my fellow Americans by saying, the only real road to progress for free people is through the process of law and that is the road that America will travel.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=28799&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2gguIRFi1 &quot;Remarks Upon Signing the Civil Rights Act.,&quot; April 11, 1968. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

==K==
[[File:RGB LED Rainbow from 7th symmetry cylindrical grating.jpg|thumb|Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress. ~ [[Anthony Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|The most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:1660 blk 19329 zoom.png|thumb|Observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:1942 JFK uniform portrait.jpg|thumb|Only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Majesty of Law Rayburn.JPG|thumb|Law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating [[order]] out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|There are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. ~ [[Martin Luther King]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Kropotkin PA.jpg|thumb|If you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. ~ [[Peter Kropotkin]]]]--&gt;
&lt;!--[[File:Ancient version of the Taijitu by Lai Zhi-De, sideways.svg|thumb|All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments. ~ [[Michio Kushi]] ]]--&gt;

* Had those who drew and ratified the Due Process Clauses of the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]] or the Fourteenth Amendment known the components of [[liberty]] in its manifold possibilities, they might have been more specific. They did not presume to have this insight. They knew '''times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress.''' As the [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] endures, persons in every generation can invoke its principles in their own search for greater freedom.
** [[Anthony Kennedy]], ''[[w:Lawrence v. Texas|Lawrence v. Texas]]'', [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&amp;vol=000&amp;invol=02-102 539 U.S. 558] (26 June 2003).
 
* [[Disarmament]] without checks is but a shadow--and a community without law is but a shell.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] ([[25 September]] [[1961]]).

* All students, members of the faculty, and public officials in both Mississippi and the Nation will be able, it is hoped, to return to their normal activities with full confidence in the integrity of American law. This is as it should be, for our Nation is founded on the principle that observance of the law is the eternal safeguard of liberty and defiance of the law is the surest road to tyranny. The law which we obey includes the final rulings of the courts, as well as the enactments of our legislative bodies. Even among law-abiding men few laws are universally loved, but they are uniformly respected and not resisted. Americans are free, in short, to disagree with the law but not to disobey it. For in a government of laws and not of men, no man, however prominent or powerful, and no mob however unruly or boisterous, is entitled to defy a court of law. If this country should ever reach the point where any man or group of men by force or threat of force could long defy the commands of our court and our Constitution, then no law would stand free from doubt, no judge would be sure of his writ, and no citizen would be safe from his neighbors.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* In 1945 a Mississippi sergeant, Jake Lindsey, was honored by an unusual joint session of the Congress. I close therefore, with this appeal to the students of the University, the people who are most concerned. You have a great tradition to uphold, a tradition of honor and courage won on the field of battle and on the gridiron as well as the University campus. You have a new opportunity to show that you are men of patriotism and integrity. For the most effective means of upholding the law is not the State policeman or the marshals or the National Guard. It is you. It lies in your courage to accept those laws with which you disagree as well as those with which you agree.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Report-to-the-Nation-on-the-Situation-at-the-University-of-Mississippi.aspx Radio and Television Report to the Nation on the Situation at the University of Mississippi] ([[30 September]] [[1962]]).

* Third, and finally, the educated citizen has an obligation to uphold the law. This is the obligation of every citizen in a free and peaceful society--but the educated citizen has a special responsibility by the virtue of his greater understanding. For whether he has ever studied history or current events, ethics or civics, the rules of a profession or the tools of a trade, he knows that only a respect for the law makes it possible for free men to dwell together in peace and progress.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* He knows that law is the adhesive force in the cement of society, creating order out of chaos and coherence in place of anarchy. He knows that for one man to defy a law or court order he does not like is to invite others to defy those which they do not like, leading to a breakdown of all justice and all order. He knows, too, that every fellowman is entitled to be regarded with decency and treated with dignity. Any educated citizen who seeks to subvert the law, to suppress freedom, or to subject other human beings to acts that are less than human, degrades his heritage, ignores his learning, and betrays his obligation.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Certain other societies may respect the rule of force--we respect the rule of law.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Asset-Viewer/aZ0Im5s0mUqPJlFNs6iO4A.aspx Remarks in Nashville at the 90th Anniversary Convocation of Vanderbilt University] ([[18 May]] [[1963]]).

* Education does have a great role to play in this period of transition. But it is not ''either'' education ''or'' legislation; it is ''both'' education and legislation. '''It may be true that morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important also.''' It may be true that the law cannot change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless, and this is what we often so and we have to do in society through legislation. We must depend on religion and education to change bad internal attitudes, but we need legislation to control the external effects of those bad internal attitudes. And so there is a need for meaningful civil right legislation.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [https://news.cornellcollege.edu/dr-martin-luther-kings-visit-to-cornell-college/ Address to Cornell College, Mount Vernon, Iowa (15 October 1962)]. Also quoted in ''Wall Street Journal'' (13 November 1962), ''Notable &amp; Quotable '', p. 18
** Variant:
** '''It is true that behavior cannot be legislated, and legislation cannot make you love me, but legislation can restrain you from lynching me, and I think that is kind of important.'''
*** Address at Finney Chapel, Oberlin College (22 October 1964), as reported in &quot;When MLK came to Oberlin&quot; by Cindy Leise, ''The Chronicle-Telegram'' (21 January 2008)

* One may well ask: &quot;How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?&quot; The answer lies in the fact that '''there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a [[moral]] [[responsibility]] to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.''' I would agree with [[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] that &quot;''an unjust law is no law at all''.&quot;
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* An individual who breaks a law that [[conscience]] tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [[Letter from a Birmingham Jail]] (1963).

* But hereof be assured, that all is not lawful nor just that is statute by civil laws; neither yet is everything sin before God, which ungodly persons allege to be treason.
** [[John Knox]], as quoted in ''The Breakers of the Yoke'' by J. S. MacIntosh pg. 303.

* If you reason instead of repeating what is taught you; if you analyze the law and strip off those cloudy fictions with which it has been draped in order to conceal its real origin, which is the right of the stronger, and its substance, which has ever been the consecration of all the tyrannies handed down to mankind through its long and bloody history; when you have comprehended this, your contempt for the law will be profound indeed. You will understand that to remain the servant of the written law is to place yourself every day in opposition to the law of conscience, and to make a bargain on the wrong side; and, since this struggle cannot go on forever, you will either silence your conscience and become a scoundrel, or you will break with tradition, and you will work with us for the utter destruction of all this injustice
** [[Peter Kropotkin]], &quot;An Appeal to the Young&quot; (1880).

* All of our punishment institutions, including jails, laws, church confessionals, and so forth, are systems of illusion. The order of the universe, the infinite justice of yin and yang, naturally takes care of all motion and compensation. We don't need to invent arbitrary ways to make balance with punishments.
** [[Michio Kushi]], with Edward Esko, in ''Spiritual Journey'', p.&amp;nbsp;57.

==L==
&lt;!--[[File:Tinker Bell Levitation.jpg|thumb|The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity. ~ [[R. A. Lafferty]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Golden statue.jpg|thumb|The [[end]] of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom. ~ [[John Locke]] ]]

* The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.
** [[R. A. Lafferty]], ''Space Chantey'' (1968).

*Certain broad facts are always put before men in some form or other. They are explained even to savage tribes by their medicine-men, and to the rest of mankind by various religious teachers and in all kinds of scriptures. It is very true that scriptures and religions differ, but the points in which they all agree have to be accepted by a man before he can understand life sufficiently to live happily. One of these facts is '''the eternal Law of Cause and Effect'''. If a man lives under the delusion that he can do anything that he likes, and that the effect of his actions will never recoil upon himself, he will most certainly find that some of these actions eventually involve him in unhappiness and suffering. **[[C.W. Leadbeater]], (Speaking about the [[Four Noble Truths]] in [[The Masters and the Path|''The Masters and the Path'']] (1925)      p. 306 

*[T]o violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed... When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, or that grievances may not arise for the redress of which no legal provisions have been made. I mean to say no such thing. But I do mean to say that although bad laws, if they exist, should be repealed as soon as possible.. There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [[:Wikisource:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln/Volume 3/The Perpetuation of Our Political Institutions|An Address Delivered Before the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Ill. January 27, 1837]]

* The end of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge [[freedom]]. For in all the states of created beings, capable of laws, where there is no law there is no freedom.
** [[John Locke]], ''Second Treatise of Government'', Ch. VI, sec.  57.

* And folks are beginning to think it looks odd,&lt;br&gt;To choke a poor scamp for the glory of God.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Fable for Critics'' (1848), line 492.

* Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.
** [[w:Luke the Evangelist|Luke]] 11:52.

* We refuse to have our conscience bound by any work or law. ... Our stubbornness is right, because we want to preserve the liberty which we have in Christ. Only by preserving our liberty shall we be able to retain the truth of the Gospel inviolate.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Chapter 2.

==M==
[[File:Maimonides statue - Cordoba.jpg|thumb|Laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Maimonides Moses.jpg|thumb|In addition to the [[teaching]] of [[truths]] the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. ~ [[Maimonides]] ]]
[[File:Nelson Mandela, 2000 (5).jpg|thumb|right|Equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed. ~ [[Nelson Mandela]]]]
[[File:Law place du Palais-Bourbon Paris.jpg|thumb|Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things. ~ [[Montesquieu]] ]]

* The reason of a commandment, whether positive or negative, is clear, and its usefulness evident, if it directly tends to remove injustice, or to teach good conduct that furthers the well-being of society, or to impart a truth which ought to be believed either on its own merit or as being indispensable for facilitating the removal of injustice or the teaching of good morals. There is no occasion to ask for the object of such commandments; for no one can, ''e.g.'', be in doubt as to the reason why we have been commanded to believe that God is one; why we are forbidden to murder, steal, and to take vengeance, or to retaliate, or why we are commanded to love one another. But there are precepts concerning which people are in doubt, and of divided opinions, some believing they are mere commands, and serve no purpose whatever, whilst others believe that they serve a certain purpose, which, however is unknown to man. Such are those precepts which in their literal meaning do not seem to further any of the three above-named results: to impart some truth, to teach some moral, or to remove injustice. They do not seem to have any influence upon the well-being of the soul by imparting any truth, or upon the well-being of the body by suggesting such ways and rules as are useful in the government of a state, or in the management of a household. ... I will show that all these and similar laws must have some bearing upon one of the following three things, viz., the regulation of our opinions, or the improvement of our social relations, which implies two things, the removal of injustice, and the teaching of good morals.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.28.

* The chief object of the Law, as has been shown by us, is the teaching of truths; to which the truth of the ''creatio ex nihilo'' belongs. It is known that the object of the [[w:Biblical_Sabbath|law of Sabbath]] is to confirm and to establish this principle, as we have shown in this treatise (Part II. chap. xxxi.) In addition to the teaching of truths the Law aims at the removal of injustice from mankind. We have thus proved that the first laws do not refer to burnt-offering and sacrifice, which are of secondary importance.
** [[Maimonides]], ''[[w:Guide for the Perplexed|Guide for the Perplexed]]'' (''c.'' 1190), Ch.32.

* The wiser nations are, the more public spirit they possess, the more perfect their political constitution, the fewer constitutional laws they have, for these laws are only props, and a building only needs props when it has become out of plumb or when it has been violently shaken by an external force. The most perfect constitution of antiquity was without contradiction that of Sparta, and Sparta has not left us a single line of its public law. It justly boasted of having written its laws only in the hearts of its children.
** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''Against Rousseau'' (1795), p. 84

* In its proper meaning equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed, a constitution which guarantees democratic rights to all sections of the population, the right to approach the court for protection or relief in the case of the violation of rights guaranteed in the constitution, and the right to take part in the administration of justice as judges, magistrates, attorneys-general, law advisers and similar positions.
: In the absence of these safeguards the phrase 'equality before the law', in so far as it is intended to apply to us, is meaningless and misleading.''' All the rights and privileges to which I have referred are monopolised by whites, and we enjoy none of them. The white man makes all the laws, he drags us before his courts and accuses us, and he sits in judgement over us.
:* [[Nelson Mandela]], Court statement responding to charges of inciting persons to strike illegally, and of leaving the country without a valid passport (1962), in ''Law and Morality: Readings in Legal Philosophy'', p. 564

* ''Leges bello siluere coactae.''
** But silenced now are laws in war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I, line 277.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yer face while it picks yer pocket; and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
**[[Charles Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'' (1759), Act ii, scene 1.

* A lawsuit is to ordinary life what war is to peacetime. In a lawsuit, everybody on the other side is bad. A [[trial]] transcript is a discourse in malevolence.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''[[w:The Journalist and the Murderer|The Journalist and the Murderer]]''. New York: Knopf, 1990, p. 63.

* In life, it is hard enough to see another person's view of things; in a lawsuit, it is impossible. The fatal attraction of a lawsuit—as [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] showed us in ''[[w:Bleak House|Bleak House]]'', with the case of ''Jarndyce v. Jarndyce''—is the infinite scope it offers for escape from the real world of ambiguity, obscurity, doubt, disappointment, compromise, and accommodation. The world of the lawsuit is the world of the [[w:Theory of Forms|Platonic ideal]], where all is clear, etched, one thing or the other. It is a world—as Dickens showed with his allegory of obsession—that we enter at our peril, since it is also the world of madness.
** [[w:Janet Malcolm|Janet Malcolm]], ''The Journalist and the Murderer''. New York: Knopf, 1990, pp. 148–9.

* Law, morality, religion, are to him so many [[bourgeois]] prejudices, behind which lurk in ambush just as many bourgeois interests.
** [[Karl Marx]], ''The Manifesto of the Communist Party'' (1848), Section 1, paragraph 47, lines 7-9.

* It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that one Innocent Person should be Condemned.
** [[Increase Mather]], ''Cases of Conscience Concerning Evil Spirits Personating Men, Witchcrafts, infallible Proofs of Guilt in such as are accused with that Crime'' (1692); a variant of this has become known as [[w: Blackstone's formulation| Blackstone's formulation]], through its expression by [[William Blackstone]] in ''[[w: Commentaries on the Laws of England| Commentaries on the Laws of England]]'' (1765 - 1769).

* Power over the rules is real power. That's why lobbyists congregate when Congress writes laws, and why the Supreme Court, which interprets and delineates the Constitution – the rules for writing the rules – has even more power than Congress. '''If you want to understand the deepest malfunctions of systems, pay attention to the rules and to who has power over them.'''
** [[Donella Meadows]], ''[[Donella Meadows#Thinking in Systems: A Primer (2008)|Thinking in Systems: A Primer]]'', Chelsea Green Publishing, 2008, pages 158 (ISBN 9781603580557).

* A law of nature is not a formula drawn up by a legislator, but a mere summary of the observed facts — a &quot;bundle of facts.&quot; Things do not act in a particular way because there is a law, but we state the &quot;law&quot; because they act in that way.
** [[Joseph McCabe]], ''The Existence of God'' (1913).

* The whole drift of our law is toward the absolute prohibition of all ideas that diverge in the slightest from the accepted platitudes, and behind that drift of law there is a far more potent force of growing custom, and under that custom there is a national philosophy which erects conformity into the noblest of virtues and the free functioning of personality into a capital [[crime]] against society.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A Little Book of Aphorisms'' (New York: 1947), p. 75.

*'''Laws without supporting moral conventions invite crime, but much more importantly, they spur the growth of an expedient, amoral attitude. In our kind of society - with its absence of pre-capitalist traditions - the only way to do away with training devices is to change the laws and their enforcement so that, unlike the current income tax, they do not depend upon individual integrity.'''
**[[C. Wright Mills]], ''Power, Politics, and People'', &quot;A Diagnosis of Our Moral Uneasiness.&quot;

* Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things.
** [[Montesquieu]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p.&amp;nbsp;375.

==N==
[[File:Huey Newton.jpg|thumb|Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation. ~ [[Huey Newton]]]]

* The black person ... is asked to respect laws that do not respect him. He is asked to digest a code of ethics that acts upon him but not for him. 
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;Fear and Doubt,&quot; May 15, 1967, in ''The Huey P. Newton Reader'' (2002), p. 132

* '''Men were not created in order to obey laws. Laws are created to obey men.''' They are established by men and should serve men. The laws and rules which officials inflict upon poor people prevent them from functioning harmoniously in society. There is no disagreements about this function of law in any circle-the disagreement arises from the question of which men laws are to serve. Such lawmakers ignore the fact that it is the duty of the poor and unrepresented to construct rules and laws that serve their interest better. '''Rewriting unjust laws is a basic human right and fundamental obligation.'''
** [[Huey Newton]], &quot;In Defense of Self-defense&quot; (June 20, 1967)

* Jesus said to his Jews: “The law was for slaves—love god as I love him, as his son! What do we sons of God have to do with morality!”
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Beyond Good and Evil'', I. Johnston, trans., § 164.

* A law-book never recites the utility, the grounds, the [[w:Casuistry|casuistical]] antecedents of a law: for if it did so it would lose the imperative tone, the “thou shall,” on which [[obedience]] is based.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Antichrist'', § 57 (Mencken trans.).

* [[Jesus]] wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the law — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law. He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master ([[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] 2:27-28). Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of mankind.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72.

==O==
[[File:Authority of Law SCOTUS.JPG|thumb|Liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]

* There was a recognition by all who participated in these reviews that the challenges to our privacy do not come from government alone. Corporations of all shapes and sizes track what you buy, store and analyze our data, and use it for commercial purposes; that’s how those targeted ads pop up on your computer and your smartphone periodically. But all of us understand that the standards for government surveillance must be higher. Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect. For history has too many examples when that trust has been breached. Our system of government is built on the premise that our liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/01/17/remarks-president-review-signals-intelligence Remarks by the President on Review of Signals Intelligence (17 June 2014) at the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., USA.]

* In a Society in which there is no law, and in theory no compulsion, the only arbiter of behaviour is public opinion. But public opinion, because of the tremendous urge to conformity in gregarious animals, is less tolerant than any system of law.
** [[George Orwell]], &quot;Politics vs. Literature: An Examination of [[Jonathan_Swift#Gulliver.27s_Travels_.281726.29|Gulliver's Travels]],&quot; ''Polemic'' (September/October 1946) - [http://orwell.ru/library/reviews/swift/english/e_swift Full text online].

* How can law be just? — impossible. It is against the people who have nothing, it is for the people who have everything. It is always in favor of the haves - it is ''made'' by the haves, it is a conspiracy of the haves against the have-nots. In all societies it has been so, the law is always unjust. Your so-called justice is just a pretension. The world where ownership exists cannot be a just world.
** [[Osho]], ''Zen: The Path of Paradox'', Vol. 2, Ch. 7

==P==
[[File:Statue of Saint Paul, Damascus.jpg|thumb|right|Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. ~ [[Paul the Apostle]]]]
[[File:Paris - Assemblée Nationale - 001.jpg|thumb|Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|Curse on all laws but those which [[love]] has made. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ]]
[[File:Collage_Auge_im_Himmel_byLöser.jpg|thumb|right|Where ''there is'' no vision, the [[people]] perish: but he that keepeth the law, [[happy]] ''is'' he. ~ ''[[w:Book of Proverbs|Proverbs]] ]]
&lt;!--[[File:Portrait of Pierre Joseph Proudhon 1865.jpg|thumb|I protest against every order with which some [[authority]] may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government. ~ [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]] ]]--&gt;

* I died to the law so that I might live for [[God]].
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 2:19.

* The law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 3:24-26.

* For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt [[love]] thy neighbor as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]], 5:14.

* On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/galatians/5/ Letter to the Galatians 5:22-23], [[New World Translation]]

* Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:8-10.

* We are made right with [[God]] through [[faith]] and not by obeying the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 3:28.

* Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to the Romans|Letter to the Romans]] 13:8.

* To those outside the law I became as one outside the law—not being without law toward God but under the law of Christ—that I might win those outside the law.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|First Letter to the Corinthians]] 9:19-23.

* It is as if a man were acquiring the knowledge of the humors and desires of a great strong beast which he had in his keeping, how it is to be approached and touched, and when and by what things it is made most savage or gentle, yes, and the several sounds it is wont to utter on the occasion of each, and again what sounds uttered by another make it tame or fierce, and after mastering this knowledge by living with the creature and by lapse of time should call it wisdom, and should construct thereof a system and art and turn to the teaching of it, knowing nothing in reality about which of these opinions and desires is honorable or base, good or evil, just or unjust, but should apply all these terms to the judgments of the great beast, calling the things that pleased it good, and the things that vexed it bad, having no other account to render of them, but should call what is necessary just and honorable, never having observed how great is the real difference between the necessary and the good, and being incapable of explaining it to another.
** [[Plato]], ''Republic'', 493a.

* Curse on all laws but those which love has made.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Eloisa to Abelard'' (1717), line 74.

* Mark what unvary'd laws preserve each state,&lt;br&gt;Laws wise as Nature, and as fixed as Fate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''An Essay on Man'' (1733-34), Epistle III, line 189.

*'''Where ''there is'' no vision, the [[people]] perish: but he that keepeth the law, [[happy]] ''is'' he.'''
** ''[[w:Book of Proverbs|Book of Proverbs]]'', 29:18 (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Without a vision, the people perish.'''

* I stand ready to negotiate, but I want no part of laws: I acknowledge none; I protest against every order with which some authority may feel pleased on the basis of some alleged necessity to over-rule my free will. Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government.
** [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]], in &quot;The Authority Principle&quot; in ''No Gods, No Masters : An Anthology of Anarchism'' (1980) Daniel Guérin, as translated by Paul Sharkey (1998), p. 90.

* Law is not a mausoleum. It is not an antique to be taken down, dusted, admired and put back on the shelf. It is like an old but vigorous tree, having roots in history, yet continuously taking new grafts and putting out new sprouts and occasionally dropping dead wood. It is essentially a social process, the end product of which is justice and hence it must change with changing social values. Otherwise there will be estrangement between law and justice and law will cease to have legitimacy.
** [[P.N. Bhagwati]]  Motilal Padmapat v State of Uttar Pradesh AIR 1979 SC 621; 118 ITR 326.

* ''Aurum lex sequitur''.
** Law follows gold.
** [[Propertius]], ''Elegice'', III. 13. 48.

==R==
&lt;!--[[File:Taijitu polarity.PNG|thumb|As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot; ~ [[Spider Robinson]] ]]--&gt;
[[File:Eleanor Roosevelt UDHR.jpg|thumb|Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law. ~ [[Eleanor Roosevelt]] ]]
[[File:President Theodore Roosevelt, 1904.jpg|thumb|right|The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]] ]]

* We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Speech at the Republican National Convention, Platform Committee Meeting, Miami, Florida&quot; (31 July 1968).

* As [[Bob Dylan]] forgot to say, &quot;To live outside the law, you must be lucky.&quot;
** [[Spider Robinson]], ''Callahan's Key'' (2000).

* Laws are only observed with the consent of the individuals concerned and a moral change still depends on the individual and not on the passage of any law.
**[[Eleanor Roosevelt]], ''My Day'' (1935–1962) (14 July 1939).

* '''The first essential of civilization is law. Anarchy is simply the handmaiden and forerunner of tyranny and despotism. Law and order enforced with justice and by strength lie at the foundations of civilization. Law must be based upon justice, else it cannot stand, and it must be enforced with resolute firmness, because weakness in enforcing it means in the end that there is no justice and no law, nothing but the rule of disorderly and unscrupulous strength. Without the habit of orderly obedience to the law, without the stern enforcement of the laws at the expense of those who defiantly resist them, there can be no possible progress, moral or material, in civilization. There can be no weakening of the law-abiding spirit here at home, if we are permanently to succeed; and just as little can we afford to show weakness abroad.'''
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses, Chapter ''National Duties'', [http://www.jonesmansion.com/history/speechon.htm Address at the Minnesota State Fair, St. Paul, 2 September 1901]

*'''Every law the people has not ratified in person is null and void - is, in fact, not a law. '''
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*The inflexibility of the laws, which prevents them from adapting themselves to circumstances, may, in certain cases, render them disastrous, and make them bring about, at a time of crisis, the ruin of the State. 
**[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract''

*We must base our laws on [[faith]], not [[reason]].
**Mark Rushdoony, as quoted in [http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2005/winter/casting-stones &quot;Casting Stones&quot;] (2005), ''Intelligence Report'', Southern Poverty Law Center

==S==
[[File:JUL Iris Soul Palm.png|thumb|Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law. ~ [[Seneca the Elder]] ]]
[[File:'Foundling Mick' by Léon Benett 31.jpg|thumb|'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state. ~ [[William Shakespeare]] ]]
[[File:Liberty Enlightening the World, Paris 19 October 2011.jpg|thumb|[[Laws]] are never as effective as [[habits]]. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson II]] ]]
[[File:Algernon Sidney (1623-1683) 9.jpg|thumb|That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed. ~ [[Algernon Sydney]] ]]

*Things don't just happen in this world of arising and passing away. We don't live in some kind of crazy, accidental universe. Things happen according to certain laws, laws of [[nature]]. Laws such as the law of [[karma]], which teaches us that as a certain seed gets planted, so will that fruit be.
**[[w:Sharon Salzberg|Sharon Salzberg]], in [http://consciousresonance.net/?p=2441 Buddhism: Between Desire and Emptiness]

* To disrespect the masses is moral; to honor them, lawful.
** [[Friedrich Schlegel]], ''Lucinde and the Fragments'', p. Firchow, trans. (1991), “Athenaeum Fragments” § 211.

* The writers of our belief system caution us to make sure that the laws are [[justice|just]] — that is, that they are not subverted by those in [[power]] for their own interest and permitted to become the means by which the powerful justify their rule and become masters of the many. In such conditions the laws become [[idols]], and we end up [[worshipping]] false [[gods]].
** Eugen Schoenfeld, [http://atlantajewishtimes.timesofisrael.com/worship-guns-worship-idols/ &quot;Worship of Guns is Worship of Idols&quot;], ''Atlanta Jewish Times'', (July 20, 2016).

* Necessity creates the law, — it supersedes rules; and whatever is reasonable and just in such cases is likewise legal.
**[[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitude'' (1801), 3 Rob. Adm. Rep. 240. Note that &quot;''The Gratitude''&quot; is the name of a legal case in admiralty, such cases being styled by the name of the vessel at issue.

* In the first place, it is not improper to observe, that the law of cases of necessity is not likely to be well furnished with precise rules; necessity creates the law, it supersedes rules; and whatever is ''reasonable'' and ''just'' in such cases, is likewise ''legal''; it is not to be considered as matter of surprise, therefore, if much instituted rule is not to be found on such subjects.
** [[William Scott, 1st Baron Stowell]], ''The Gratitudine'' (18 December 1801); as published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=-vcvAAAAYAAJ ''Reports of Cases Argued and Determined in the High Court of Admiralty, Commencing with the Judgments of the Right Hon. Sir William Scott, Michaelmas Term, 1798'', Vol. III (1802)], p. 266.

* ''Quædam iura non scripta, sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt.''
** Some laws are not written, but are more decisive than any written law.
** [[Seneca the Elder]], ''Controversiae'', Book 1, Chapter 1, sect. 14; translation from Norman T. Pratt ''Seneca's Drama'' (Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press, 1983) p.&amp;nbsp;140.

* You who wear out a good wholesome forenoon in hearing a cause between an orange-wife and a fosset-seller; and then rejourn the controversy of three pence to a second day of audience.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act II, scene 1, line 77.

* He hath resisted law,&lt;br&gt;And therefore law shall scorn him further trial&lt;br&gt;Than the severity of the public power.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 1, line 267.

* In the corrupted currents of this world,&lt;br&gt;Offence's gilded hand may shove by justice;&lt;br&gt;And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itself&lt;br&gt;Buys out the law: but 'tis not so above;&lt;br&gt;There is no shuffling, there the action lies&lt;br&gt;In his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,&lt;br&gt;Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,&lt;br&gt;To give in evidence.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 3, line 57.

* But is this law?&lt;br&gt;Ay, marry is 't; crowner's quest law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act V, scene 1, line 23.

* But, I prithee, sweet wag, shall there be gallows standing in England when thou art king? and resolution thus fobbed as it is with the rusty curb of old father antic the law?
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 2, line 65.

* Faith, I have been a truant in the law,&lt;br&gt;And never yet could frame my will to it;&lt;br&gt;And therefore frame the law unto my will.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 7.

* But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,&lt;br&gt;Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 1|''Henry VI'', Part I]] (c. 1588-90), Act II, scene 4, line 11.

* The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), Act IV, scene 2, line 84.

* Press not a falling man too far! 'tis virtue:&lt;br&gt;His faults lie open to the laws; let them,&lt;br&gt;Not you, correct him.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, line 333.

* When law can do no right,&lt;br&gt;Let it be lawful that law bar no wrong.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act III, scene 1, line 185.

* 'Tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you gave me nothing for 't.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King Lear|King Lear]]'' (1608), Act I, scene 4, line 142.

* Bold of your worthiness, we single you&lt;br&gt;As our best-moving fair solicitor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act II, scene 1, line 28.

* We have strict statutes and most biting laws.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act I, scene 3, line 19.

* We must not make a scarecrow of the law,&lt;br&gt;Setting it up to fear the birds of prey,&lt;br&gt;And let it keep one shape, till custom make it&lt;br&gt;Their perch and not their terror.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act II, scene 1, line 1.

* To offend, and judge, are distinct offices&lt;br&gt;And of opposed natures.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 9, line 61.

* In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt&lt;br&gt;But, being season'd with a gracious voice,&lt;br&gt;Obscures the show of evil?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 75.

* It must not be; there is no power in Venice&lt;br&gt;Can alter a decree established:&lt;br&gt;'Twill be recorded for a precedent;&lt;br&gt;And many an error by the same example&lt;br&gt;Will rush into the state.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act IV, scene 1, line 218.

* The bloody book of law&lt;br&gt;You shall yourself read in the bitter letter&lt;br&gt;After your own sense.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Othello]]'' (c. 1603), Act I, scene 3, line 67.

* I am a subject,&lt;br&gt;And I challenge law: attorneys are denied me;&lt;br&gt;And therefore personally I lay my claim&lt;br&gt;To my inheritance of free descent.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard II (play)|Richard II]]'' (c. 1595), Act II, scene 3, line 133.

* Before I be convict by course of law,&lt;br&gt;To threaten me with death is most unlawful.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act I, scene 4, line 192.

* Do as adversaries do in law,&lt;br&gt;Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Act I, scene 2, line 278.

* We are for law; he dies.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act III, scene 5, line 86.

* They have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 2, line 16.

* Still you keep o' the windy side of the law.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act III, scene 4, line 181.

* When I hear any man talk of an unalterable law, the only effect it produces upon me is to convince me that he is an unalterable [[Fools|fool]].
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Peter Plymley's Letters'' (1808), Letter IV.

* Law is the rule, principle, obligation or requirement of natural justice.
** [[w:Lysander Spooner|Lysander Spooner]], ''The Unconstitutionality of Slavery'' (1860).

*Laws are never as effective as habits.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], Speech in New York City (28 August 1952)

* '''There is no [[justice]] in following unjust laws. It’s time to come into the [[light]] and, in the grand tradition of [[civil disobedience]], declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture.'''
** [[Aaron Swartz]], in [http://archive.org/details/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto ''Guerilla Open Access Manifesto'' (July 2008)].

* You have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator: that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose interest and abilities lies in perverting, confounding, and eluding them.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], the King of Brobdingnag in ''Gulliver’s Travels'' (1726), Part 2, chapter 6, p. 135.

* Who ever knew an honest brute&lt;br&gt;at law his neighbor prosecute?
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''The Logicians Refuted'' (1735).

* That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.
** [[Algernon Sydney]], in [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_000.htm ''Discourses Concerning Government'' (1698)]  [http://www.constitution.org/as/dcg_311.htm Ch. 3, Sect. 11].

* Necessity knows no law except to conquer.
** [[Publilius Syrus]], ''Moral Sayings'' 553.

==T==
[[File:Tacitus, Annals, Florence, Plut. 68,2.jpg|thumb|The more corrupt the state, the more laws. ~ [[Tacitus]] ]]

* ''Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.''
** '''The more numerous the [[laws]], the more [[corrupt]] the [[government]].'''
*** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), Book III, 27
** Variant translations:
** '''The more corrupt the state, the more laws.'''
** And now bills were passed, not only for national objects but for individual cases, and '''laws were most numerous when the commonwealth was most corrupt.'''

* ''Rebus cunctis inest quidam velut orbis.''
** In all things there is a kind of law of cycles.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 55.

* ''Initia magistratum nostrorum meliora, ferme finis inclinat.''
** Our magistrates discharge their duties best at the beginning; and fall off toward the end.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), XV. 31.

* It is important, of course, that controversies be settled right, but there are many civil questions which arise between individuals in which it is not so important the controversy be settled one way or another as that it be settled. Of course a settlement of a controversy on a fundamentally wrong principle of law is greatly to be deplored, but there must of necessity be many rules governing the relations between members of the same society that are more important in that their establishment creates a known rule of action than that they proceed on one principle or another. Delay works always for the man with the longest purse.
** [[William Howard Taft]], informal address to the judicial section of the American Bar Association, Cincinnati, Ohio (August 30, 1921); reported in &quot;Adequate Machinery for Judicial Business&quot;, ''American Bar Association Journal'' (September 1921), p. 453.

* What is [[hateful]] to thee, do not unto thy fellow; this is the whole law. All the rest is a commentary to this law; go and [[learn]] it.
** [[Talmud]], Tractate Shabat 30a.

*''But speaking of rules, you've been arrested dozens of times in your life. Specific incidents aside, what's common to these run-ins? Where do you stand vis-à-vis the law?''&lt;br&gt;&quot;Goddammit. Yeah, I have. First, there's a huge difference between being arrested and being guilty. Second, see, the law changes and I don't. How I stand vis-à-vis the law at any given moment depends on the law. The law can change from state to state, from nation to nation, from city to city. I guess I have to go by a higher law. How's that? Yeah, I consider myself a road man for the lords of [[karma]].&quot;
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], [http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2003/02/03/thompson/index_np.html ''Salon'' interview (3 February 2003)].

* The law will never make men [[Freedom|free]]; it is men who have got to make the law free.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], om [http://thoreau.eserver.org/slavery.html ''Slavery in Massachusetts'' (4 July 1854)].

* Illegality is not to be presumed; it is to be alleged and proved when it does not appear on the face of the instrument itself.
** [[Nicholas Conyngham Tindal]], CJ., ''Lord Howden v. Simpson'' (1839), 10 A. &amp; E. 821; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 103-104.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull (poet)|John Trumbull]], ''[[w:McFingal|McFingal]]'', Canto iii (1782), line 489.

==U==
* Whereas Congress recognizes the historical tradition of ethical values and principles which are the basis of civilized society and upon which our great Nation was founded; Whereas these ethical values and principles have been the bedrock of society from the dawn of civilization, when they were known as the Seven Noahide Laws ...
** United States Congress, [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c102:h.j.res.104.enr: Joint Resolution To designate March 26, 1991, as 'Education Day, U.S.A.']

==V==
[[File:LucDeClapiers.jpg|thumb|Those who fear men like laws. ~ [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]] ]]

*'''Those who fear men like laws.'''
** [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]], ''Réflexions'' (1746).

==W==
* In civilized life, law floats in a sea of ethics.
** [[Earl Warren]], Speech at the Louis Marshall Award Dinner of the Jewish Theological Seminary, Americana Hotel, New York City (11 November 1962).

* Human law must rest its authority ultimately upon the authority of that law which is [[Divine law|divine]]. Far from being rivals or enemies religion and law are twin sisters, friends, and mutual assistance. Indeed, these two sciences run into each other.
** [[James Wilson]], ''The Works of the Honourable James Wilson'' (Philadelphia: Bronson and Chauncey, 1804), Vol. I, pp. 106 &amp; 103-105.

* American industry is not free, as once it was free; American enterprise is not free; the man with only a little capital is finding it harder to get into the field, more and more impossible to compete with the big fellow. Why? Because the laws of this country do not prevent the strong from crushing the weak. That is the reason, and because the strong have crushed the weak the strong dominate the industry and the economic life of this country.
**[[Woodrow Wilson]], ''The New Freedom: A Call For the Emancipation of the Generous Energies of a People'' (1913).

==X==
[[File:Raffael 069.jpg|thumb|Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

* &quot;Whatever a despot by enactment constrains the citizens to do without persuasion, is the negation of law?”&lt;p&gt;“Everything, I think, that men constrain others to do without persuasion, whether by enactment or not, is not law, but force.”
** [[Xenophon]], [[Pericles]] and [[Socrates]] in ''[[Memorabilia]]'', 1.2.41.

==Y==
* Law is the backbone which keeps man erect.
** Seymour C. Yuter, arguing for passage of the Nuclear Test Ban treaty and Nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'',  Vol. 25, No. 8 (October 1969), p.&amp;nbsp;23.

==Z==
* Because of plea-bargaining, I guess we can say, &quot;Gee, the trains run on time.&quot; But do we like where they are going?
** Franklin E. Zimring, &quot;[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,916340-3,00.html Law: Is Plea Bargaining a Cop-Out?]&quot;, ''Time'' (August 28, 1978).

==Anonymous==
*“There’s no justice, John! There is no reason at all for me to be kept here!”
:“Justice is the first casualty of war and that’s the point we’re rapidly approaching.&quot;
:*Mary Reed and Eric Mayer, ''[[John,_the_Lord_Chamberlain#Two_for_Joy|Two for Joy]], Ch. 21''.

* ''Necessitas non habet legem''
** [[Necessity]] has no law.
*** [[Anonymous]] [[Latin proverbs|Latin proverb]] which arose in the middle ages, leading to many variant expressions and extensions in many cultures.
** Variants:
** ''Quia enim necessitas non habet legem, set ipsa sibi facit legume''
*** Necessity knows no law but makes law.
**** [[w:Gratian (jurist)|Gratian]], ''[[w:Decretum Gratiani|Decretum Gratiani]]''
** Necessity knows no laws.
*** [[Spanish proverbs|Spanish proverb]], as quoted in ''The International Thesaurus of Quotations'' (1970) edited by Rhoda Thomas Tripp, p. 429.
** الضرورات تبيح المحظورات
*** Necessity knows no restrictions.
**** Arabic Proverb
** Necessity knows no laws, and a man must part with his last farthing to buy bread.
*** &quot;C.&quot; in ''The Farmer's Magazine'' Vol. 1, No. 4 (October 1838), p. 271.
** Necessity knows no laws or customs.
*** Joseph Kinmont Hart, ''Mind in Transition : Patterns, Conflicts and Changes in the Evolution of the Mind'' (1938), p. 88.

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
[[File:SpiderWeb.jpg|thumb|Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them. ~ [[Anacharsis]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 430-34.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''Ove son leggi,&lt;br&gt;Tremar non dee chi leggi non infranse.''
** Where there are laws, he who has not broken them need not tremble.
** [[Vittorio Alfieri]], ''Virginia'', II. 1.

* '''Written laws are like spiders' webs, and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful will easily break through them.'''
** [[Anacharsis]] to Solon when writing his laws.

* '''Law is a bottomless pit.'''
** [[John Arbuthnot]], title of a pamphlet (c. 1700).

* One of the Seven was wont to say: &quot;That laws were like cobwebs; where the small flies were caught, and the great brake through.&quot;
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apothegms'', No. 181.

* '''All this is but a web of the wit; it can work nothing.'''
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays on Empire''.

* There was an ancient Roman lawyer, of great fame in the history of Roman jurisprudence, whom they called Cui Bono, from his having first introduced into judicial proceedings the argument, &quot;What end or object could the party have had in the act with which he is accused.&quot;
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Impeachment of Warren Hastings''.

* '''I do not know the method of drawing up an indictment against an whole people.'''
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Speech on the Conciliation of America''.

* A good parson once said that where mystery begins religion ends. Cannot I say, as truly at least, of human laws, that where mystery begins, justice ends?
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Vindication of Natural Society''.

* The law of England is the greatest grievance of the nation, very expensive and dilatory.
** Bishop Burnet, ''History of His Own Times''.

* The law of heaven and earth is life for life.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Curse of Minerva'' (1811), Stanza 15.

* Arms and laws do not flourish together.
** [[Julius Caesar]], reported in [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cæsar''.

* Who to himself is law, no law doth need,&lt;br&gt;Offends no law, and is a king indeed.
** [[George Chapman]], ''Bussy d'Ambois'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Jus gentium.''
** The law of nations.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), III. 17.

* For as the law is set over the magistrate, even so are the magistrates set over the people. And therefore, it may be truly said, &quot;that the magistrate is a speaking law, and the law is a silent magistrate.&quot;
** [[Cicero]], ''De Legibus'' (''On the Laws''; c. 40s BC), Book III. I.

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** For the '''laws are dumb in the midst of arms.'''
** [[Cicero]], ''Pro Milone'', IV.

* After an existence of nearly twenty years of almost innocuous desuetude these laws are brought forth.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], Message (1 March 1886).

* Magna Charta is such a fellow that he will have no sovereign.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Debate in the Commons'' (17 May 1628).

* '''Reason is the life of the law; nay, the common law itself is nothing else but reason.'''  *  *  *  The law which is perfection of reason.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* The gladsome light of jurisprudence.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''First Institute of the Lawes of England'' (1628).

* According to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not.
** [[Daniel]], VI. 8.

* Trial by jury itself, instead of being a security to persons who are accused, shall be a delusion, a mockery, and a snare.
** [[Lord Denman]], ''O'Connell vs. the Queen'', II. C. and F., 351 (Sept. 4, 1894).

* '''Whatever was required to be done, the Circumlocution Office was beforehand with all the public departments in the art of perceiving — HOW NOT TO DO IT.'''
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Little Dorrit'', Part I, Chapter X.

* '''When the judges shall be obliged to go armed, it will be time for the courts to be closed.'''
** [[S. J. Field]], when advised to arm himself, in California (1889).

* '''Our human laws are but the copies, more or less imperfect, of the eternal laws, so far as we can read them.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Calvinism.

* '''Just laws are no restraint upon the freedom of the good, for the good man desires nothing which a just law will interfere with.'''
** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'', Reciprocal Duties of State and Subject.

* '''Whenever the offence inspires less horror than the punishment, the rigour of penal law is obliged to give way to the common feelings of mankind.'''
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', Chapter XIV, Volume I.

* ''Es erben sich Gesetz und Rechte&lt;br&gt;Wie eine ew'ge Krankheit fort.''
** All rights and laws are still transmitted,&lt;br&gt;Like an eternal sickness to the race.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''[[Goethe's Faust|Faust]]'', I. 4. 449.

* A cloud of witnesses.
** Hebrews, XII. 1.

* ''Quid leges sine moribus&lt;br&gt;Vanæ proficiunt?''
** Of what use are laws, inoperative through public immorality?
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', III. 24. 35.

* To the law and to the testimony.
** [[Isaiah]], VIII. 20.

* The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Johnsoniana'', Piozzi's Anecdotes, 58.

* ''Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas.''
** The verdict acquits the raven, but condemns the dove.
** [[Juvenal]], ''Satires'' (early 2nd century), II. 63.

* ''Ad quæstionem juris respondeant judices ad quæstionem facti respondeant juratores.''
** '''Let the judges answer to the question of law, and the jurors to the matter of the fact.'''
*** Law Maxim.

* We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.
** [[G. H. Lewes]], ''The Physiology of Common Life'', Chapter XIII.

* ''Hominem improbum non accusari tutius est quam absolvi.''
** '''It is safer that a bad man should not be accused, than that he should be acquitted.'''
*** [[Livy]], ''Annales'', XXXIV. 4.

* ''La charte sera désormais une vérité.''
** The charter will henceforth be a reality.
** [[Louis Philippe]].

* ''Perchè, cosi come i buoni costumi, per mantenersi, hanno bisogno delli leggi; cosi le leggi per ossevarsi, hanno bisogno de' buoni costumi.''
** For as laws are necessary that good manners may be preserved, so there is need of good manners that laws may be maintained.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Dei Discorsi'', I. 18.

* The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yeer face while it picks yeer pocket: and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it.
** [[Macklin]], ''Love à la Mode'', Act II, scene 1.

* ''Nisi per legale judicium parum suorum.''
** Unless by the lawful judgment of their peers.
** ''[[Magna Charta]]'', ''Privilege of Barons of Parliament''.

* ''Certis  *  *  *  legibus omnia parent.''
** '''All things obey fixed laws.'''
** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', I, 479.

* The law speaks too softly to be heard amidst the din of arms.
** [[Caius Marius]], when complaint was made of his granting the freedom of Rome to a thousand Camerians, in [[Plutarch]]'s ''Life of Caius Marius''.

* Render therefore unto Cæsar the things which are Cæsar's.
** [[Jesus]] in Matthew, XXII. 21.

* As the case stands.
** [[Thomas Middleton]], ''Old Law'' (1618-19), Act II, scene 1.

* Litigious terms, fat contentions, and flowing fees.
** [[John Milton]], ''Prose Works'', Volume I. Of Education.

* ''Le bruit des armes l'empeschoit d'entendre la voix des lois.''
** The clatter of arms drowns the voice of the law.
*** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', III. I.

* There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.
** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', ''Of Vanity''.

* ''Neque enim lex est æquior ulla,&lt;br&gt;Quam necis artifices arte perire sua.''
** Nor is there any law more just, than that he who has plotted death shall perish by his own plot.
** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', I. 665.

* ''Sunt superis sua jura.''
** The gods have their own laws.
** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', IX. 499.

* Where law ends, there tyranny begins.
** [[William Pitt, Earl of Chatham]], ''Case of Wilkes'', speech (Jan. 9, 1770), last line.

* ''Nescis tu quam meticulosa res sit ire ad judicem.''
** You little know what a ticklish thing it is to go to law.
*** [[Plautus]], ''Mostellaria'', V, 1, 52.

* ''Non est princeps super leges, sed leges supra principem.''
** '''The prince is not above the laws, but the laws above the prince.'''
*** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Paneg. Traj.'' 65.

* All, look up with reverential awe,&lt;br&gt;At crimes that 'scape, or triumph o'er the law.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Epilogue to Satire'', Dialogue I, line 167.

* Piecemeal they win this acre first then, that,&lt;br&gt;Glean on, and gather up the whole estate.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Satires of Dr. Donne'', Satire II, line 91.

* Once (says an Author; where, I need not say)&lt;br&gt;Two Trav'lers found an Oyster in their way;&lt;br&gt;Both fierce, both hungry; the dispute grew strong,&lt;br&gt;While Scale in hand Dame Justice pass'd along.&lt;br&gt;Before her each with clamour pleads the Laws.&lt;br&gt;Explain'd the matter, and would win the cause,&lt;br&gt;Dame Justice weighing long the doubtful Right,&lt;br&gt;Takes, open, swallows it, before their sight.&lt;br&gt;The cause of strife removed so rarely well,&lt;br&gt;&quot;There take&quot; (says Justice), &quot;take ye each a shell.&lt;br&gt;We thrive at Westminster on Fools like you:&lt;br&gt;'Twas a fat oyster—live in peace—Adieu.&quot;
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Verbatim from Boileau''.

* Let us consider the reasons of the case. For nothing is law that is not reason.
** Sir [[John Powell]], ''Coggs v. Bernard'', 2 Ld. Raym. 911.

* He that is surety for a stranger shall smart for it.
** Proverbs, XI. 15.

* God detests the prayers of a person who ignores the law.
** Proverbs 28:9, New Living Translation

* That very law which moulds a tear,&lt;br&gt;And bids it trickle from its source,&lt;br&gt;That law preserves the earth a sphere,&lt;br&gt;And guides the planets in their course.
** [[Samuel Rogers]], ''On a Tear'', Stanza 6.

* La loi permet souvent ce que défend l'honneur.
** '''The law often allows what honor forbids.'''
*** [[Bernard-Joseph Saurin]], ''Spartacus'', III. 3.

* ''Si judicas, cognosce; si regnas, jube.''
** If you judge, investigate; if you reign, command.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIV.

* ''Qui statuit aliquid, parte inaudita altera,&lt;br&gt;Æquum licet statuerit, haud æquus fuerit.''
** He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide justly, cannot be considered just.
*** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Medea'', CXCIX.

* ''Inertis est nescire, quid liceat sibi.&lt;br&gt;Id facere, laus est, quod decet; non, quod licet.''
** It is the act of the indolent not to know what he may lawfully do. It is praiseworthy to do what is becoming, and not merely what is lawful.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Octavia'', CCCCLIII.

* There is a higher law than the Constitution.
** [[W. H. Seward]], speech (11 March 1850).

* '''Laws are generally found to be nets of such a texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle-sized alone are entangled in.'''
** [[William Shenstone]], ''On Politics''.

* When to raise the wind some lawyer tries,&lt;br&gt;Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes;&lt;br&gt;On speeds the smiling suit—&lt;br&gt;. . . . . .&lt;br&gt;Till stript—nonsuited—he is doomed to toss&lt;br&gt;In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss,&lt;br&gt;Lucky, if like Ulysses, he can keep&lt;br&gt;His head above the waters of the deep.
** Horace and James Smith, ''Rejected Addresses'', ''Architectural Atoms''. Translation by Dr. B. T.

* Men keep their engagements when it is an advantage to both parties not to break them.
** [[Solon]], ''Answer to Anacharsis''. In [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Solon''.

* '''Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.'''
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Essay on the Faculties of the Mind''.

* ''Bonis nocet quisquis pepercerit malis.''
** '''He hurts the good who spares the bad.'''
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur.''
** The judge is condemned when the guilty is acquitted.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* A man must not go to law because the musician keeps false time with his foot.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], Volume VIII, p. 145. ''The Worthy Communicant'', Chap, IV. Sect, IV. Quoted from Schott, ''Adagia'', p. 351. Prov. E, Suida. Cent, II. 17.

* ''Quod vos jus cogit, id voluntate impetret.''
** What the law insists upon, let it have of your own free will.
** [[Terence]], ''Adelphi'', III. 4. 44.

* ''Jus summum sæpe summa est malitia.''
** '''The strictest law sometimes becomes the severest injustice.'''
*** [[Terence]], ''Heauton timoroumenos'', IV. 5. 48.

* The law is good, if a man use it lawfully.
** I Timothy. I. 8.

* No man e'er felt the halter draw,&lt;br&gt;With good opinion of the law.
** [[John Trumbull]], ''McFingal'', Canto III, line 489.

* The Law: It has honored us, may we honor it.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Toast at the Charleston Bar Dinner'' (May 10, 1847).

* The glorious uncertainty of law.
** Toast of Wilbraham at a dinner of judges and counsel at Serjeants' Inn Hall (1756). Quoted by Mr. Sheridan in 1802.

* And he that gives us in these days&lt;br&gt;New Lords may give us new laws.
** [[George Wither]], ''Contented Man's Morrice''.

* And through the heat of conflict keeps the law&lt;br&gt;In calmness made, and sees what he foresaw.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Character of a Happy Warrior'', line 53.

* '''He it was that first gave to the law the air of a science. He found it a skeleton, and clothed it with life, colour, and complexion; he embraced the cold statue, and by his touch it grew into youth, health, and beauty.'''
** [[w:Barry Yelverton|Barry Yelverton]] (Lord Avonmore), on Blackstone.

==''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 147-157; 182&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Ulam Spiral Divisors 100000.png|thumb| The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.]]

* No man can come into a British Court of justice to seek the assistance of the law who founds his claim upon a contravention of the British laws.
** [[Richard Arden, 1st Baron Alvanley]], C.J., ''Morck v. Abel'' (1802), 3 Bos. and Pull. 38.

* Reading, maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man; — and, therefore, if a man write little, he had need have a great memory; if he confer little, he had need have a present wit; and if he read little, he had need have much cunning to seem to know that he doth not.
** Lord Bacon.

* We may appeal to the experience of every sensible lawyer, whether anything can be more hazardous or discouraging than the usual entrance on the study of the law.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries'', Book I., Section 1, p.&amp;nbsp;16.

* Law grows, and though the principles of law remain unchanged, yet (and it is one of the advantages of the common law) their application is to be changed with the changing circumstances of the times. Some persons may call this retrogression, I call it progression of human opinion.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), 1 Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 135.

* I cannot say the law was ever a hard mistress to me: and she did not allow me long to languish in idleness, nor ever suffer me to be without hope. But, of course, I had many idle days, and I was rather fond of note-taking as a very instructive practice, whenever the case was an interesting one, and I found great benefit from it when the facility of taking an accurate and full note rapidly became of the greatest importance in the course of my after life at the Bar and on the Bench.
** Right Hon. Sir John T. Coleridge, &quot;Circuit Reminiscences.&quot; ''The Jur''. (N.S.) Vol. V. and VI., Part 2 (1869—1860), p.&amp;nbsp;377. See also post, Law Reports, 3, n.

* It is my province to lay down the law. Every lawyer knows that the law is the result of a great deal of learning.
** Erie, J., ''Queen v. Dowling'' (1848), 7 St. Tr. (N. S.) 438.

* The truth is . . . the old feudal law existing in England … is only being broken down slowly by legislation and decisions of the Court, and . . . still exists to a very great extent.
** Kay, J., ''Whitby v. Mitchell'' (1889), L. R. 42 C. D. 500.

* There is no positive law: Many things are bad by that, which otherwise were not.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''The law does not consist in particular instances, though it is explained by particular instances and rules, but the law consists of principles, which govern specific and individual cases, as they happen to arise.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''R. v. Bembridge'' (1783), 22 How. St. Tr. 155.

* That whom he could not by the sword destroy, he might supplant by the law.
** [[Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Baronet]], C.J., ''Sheffeild v. Ratcliffe'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 335.

* ''Contemporaria expositio legis est optima'', a contemporary exposition of a law, if there be any question about it, as our books tell us, is always the best, because the temper of the law-makers is then best known.
** Holt, C.J., ''Harcourt v. Fox'' (1693), Shower's Rep. 326.

* I am sorry to think, that Englishmen should seem to excuse themselves by ignorance of the law, which all subjects are bound to know, and are born to have the benefit of.
** Popham, C.J., ''Trial of Sir Christopher Blunt and others'' (1600), 1 How. St. Tr. 1450.

* He had no right to take the law into his own hands.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], ''Tarleton v. McGawley'' (1795), 2 Peake, N. P. Ca. 208.

* Every one must be supposed to be cognizant of a public law.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Smith v. Beadnell'' (1807), 1 Camp. 33.

* Every man (who is of sufficient understanding to be responsible for his actions) is supposed to be cognizant of the law, as it is the rule by which every subject of the kingdom is to be governed, and therefore it is his business to know it.
** Willes, J., ''King v. Shipley'' (1784), 3 Doug. 177.

* Every man must be taken to be cognizant of the law, otherwise there is no saying to what extent the excuse of ignorance may not be Law carried. It would be urged in almost every case.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Bilbie v. Lumley'' (1802), 2 East, 469.

* ''Ignorantia juris non excusat.'' The true meaning of that [[maxim]] is that parties cannot excuse themselves from liability from all civil or criminal consequences of their acts by alleging ignorance of the law, but there is no presumption that parties must be taken to know all the legal consequences of their acts, and especially where difficult questions of law, or of the practice of the Court are involved.
** Lord FitzGerald, ''Seaton v. Seaton'' (1888), L. R. 13 Ap. Ca. 78.

* A mere evasion, colour, disguise and device to evade the law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Sulfton v. Norton'' (1761), 3 Burr. Part IV., p.&amp;nbsp;1237.

* It has been said that ignorance of law is no excuse, but when the Court has a discretion the petitioner's ignorance of the law may be properly excused.
** Barnes, J., ''Whitworth v. Whitworth and Thomasson'' (1893), 62 L. J. Rep. P.C.C. (1893), p.&amp;nbsp;73.

* '''Very happily, the more the law is looked into, the more it appears founded in equity, reason, and good sense.'''
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''James v. Price'' (1773), Lofft. 221.

* It being a maxim that three things are always favoured in law, life, liberty and dower.
** Per. Cur., ''Dumsday v. Hughes'' (1803), 3 Bos. and Pull. 456.

* ''Lex est sanctio jiista jubens honesta et prohibens contraria.&lt;br&gt;Lex est summa ratio.&lt;br&gt;Ratio est anima legis.&lt;br&gt;Nulla vetita ant turpia praesumuntur, sed contraria omnia legitima ataue honesta''.&lt;br&gt;'''The common lawe itselfe is nothing else but reason; which is to be understood of an artificiall perfection of reason, gotten by long study, observation, and of experience, and not of every man's natural reason'''; for ''nemo nascitur artifem''. This legall reason ''est summa ratio''. And therefore if all the reason that is dispersed into so many severall heads, were united into one, yet could he not make such a law as the law of England is, because by many successions of ages it hath been fined and refined by an infinite number of grave and learned men, and by long experience growne to such a perfection, for the gouvernment of this realme, as the old rule may be justly verified of it, ''neminem oportet esse sapientiorem legibus'': no man, out of his own private reason, ought to be wiser than the law, which is the perfection of reason.
** Lord [[Edward Coke]]'s Praise of the Law of England.

* It is true as a general proposition that knowledge of the law must be imputed to every person, but it would be too much to impute knowledge of this rule of equity; election as a question of intention of course implies knowledge.
** Lord Westbury, ''Spread v. Morgan'' (11 H. L. C. 602).

* The laws alone are they that always speak with all persons, high or low, in one and the same impartial voice. The law knows no favourites.
** Sir [[Robert Atkyns (judge)|Robert Atkyns]], L.C.B., ''Trial of Sir Edward Hales'' (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1206.

* The law would be a strange science if it rested solely upon Cases; and if after so large an increase of Commerce, Arts and Circumstances accruing, we must go to the time of Rich. I. to find a Case and see what is law.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Jones v. Randall'' (1774) Lofft. 386.

* '''It is far more important the law should be administered with absolute integrity, than that in this case or in that the law should be a good law or a bad one.'''
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], ''Reg. v. Ramsey'' (1883), Cababe and Ellis' Q. B. D. Rep. 134.

* Every object and purpose of justice is effectually answered, and every supposed inconvenience is effectually rebutted by the law as it stands.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''King v. Woolf'' (1819), 1 Chit. 423.

* Sometimes rhetorical phrases are applied even by eminent Judges to propositions of law. In Lord Dungannon v. Smith [[Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux|Lord Brougham]] in eloquent language declared it as &quot;one of the corner stones of the law,&quot; and I understand the Lord Chancellor in the same case to have considered the decision in Jee v. Audley to be &quot;one of the landmarks.&quot;
** [[Joseph William Chitty]], J., ''In re Dawson''; ''Johnston v. Hill'' (1888), L. R. 39 C. D. 152.

* I cannot help thinking that where a person appeals to the Law of England, he must take his remedy according to the Law of England to which he has appealed.
** [[John Eardley Wilmot|Wilmot]], J., Robinson v. Bland (1760), 2 Burr. Part IV. 1084.

* '''The sparks of all the sciences in the world are raked up in the ashes of the law.'''
** Finche, L. b. 1, c. 3.

* The law is not apt to catch at actions.
** Powys, J., Ashby v. White (1703), 2 Ld. Raym. 944.

* '''It was nobly said in another place (I heard it with pleasure, and thought it becoming the dignity of the person who pronounced it, and the place in which it was pronounced) &quot;that the law is best applied, when it is subservient to the honesty of the case.&quot;'''
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Master v. Miller'' (1791), 4 T. R. 335.

* '''It is of very little consequence to the public to lay down definite rules of law, if you have indefinite rules of evidence.'''
** Thurlow, L.C., ''Fox. v. Mackreth'' (1788), 2 Cox, 320.

* It has been sometimes said, ''communis error facit jus''; but I say ''communis opinio'' is evidence of what the law is; not where it is an opinion merely floating and theoretical floating in the minds of persons but where it has been made the ground-work and substratum of practice.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Isherwood v. Oldknow'' (1815), 3M. &amp;S. (K. B. Rep.) 396, 397.

* '''Judges could by their resolution alter the practice, but never the law.'''
** [[Colin Blackburn, Baron Blackburn|Blackburn]], J., ''Reg. v. Charlesworth'' (1861), 9 Cox, C. C. 67.

* '''Law and conscience are one and the same.'''
** Bacon, J., ''Watson v. Watson'' (1670), Style's Rep. 56.

* The law is for the protection of the weak more than the strong.
** Erie, J., ''Reg v. Woolley'' (1850), 4 Cox, C. C. 196.

* The law protects nothing in that very respect, in which it is, at the same time, in the eye of the law, a crime.
** [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Lord Mansfield]], ''Evans v. The Chamberlain of London'' (1720), (App. to Furneaux's Letters), 2 Burn's Eccl. Law, 207; Harrison v. Evans (in Error) 6 Bro. P. C. 181.

* '''The law of England will not sanction what is inconsistent with humanity.'''
** Best, J., ''Hott v. Wilkes'' (1820), 4 B. &amp; A. 319.

* The law rarely hesitates in declaring its own meaning; but the Judges are frequently puzzled to find out the meaning of others.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]] (1765), ''Commentaries'', Book III., Chapter 25, p.&amp;nbsp;336.

* '''The law does not act vindictively.'''
** Bacon, V.-C, ''Barrett v. Hammond'' (1879), L. R. 10 C. D. 289.

* '''The law has respect to human infirmity.'''
** Best, C.J., ''Robertson v. McDougall'' (1828), 4 Bing. 679.

* We cannot judge of the fact, but the law upon the fact.
** Pratt, J., ''Rex v. Inhabitantes de Haughton'' (1718), 1 Str. Rep. 84.

* As a lawyer I am before and above all things for the supremacy of law.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''The Queen v. Bishop of London'' (1889), L. R. 23 Q. B. 452.

* A Court has no right to strain the law because it causes hardship.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], C.J., ''Body v. Halse'' (1891) L. R. 1 Q. B. [1892], p.&amp;nbsp;207.

* Your lordships must look hardships in the face rather than break down the rules of law.
** Lord Eldon, C, ''Berkeley Peerage Case'' (1811), 4 Camp. 419.

* I would wish to do as much as possible for you; but I cannot strain the law.
** Earl of Clonwell, L.C.J., ''Jackson's Case'' (1795), 25 How. St. Tr. 879.

* '''It is a principle of law, that a person intends to do that which is the natural effect of what he does.'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Beckwith v. Wood and another'' (1817), 2 Starkie, 266.

* Hard cases, it is said, make bad law.
** Lord Campbell, C.J., ''Ex parte Long'' (1854), 3 W. R. 19.

* All arguments on the hardship of a case, either on one side or the other, must be rejected, when we are pronouncing what the law is; for such arguments are only quicksands in the law, and, if indulged, will soon swallow up every principle of it.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Yates v. Hall'', (1785), 1 T. R. 80.

* What I desire to point out is that I wish the law was not so, but that being the law, I must follow it.
** Romer, J., ''Davies v. Parry'' (1899), 1 L. R. C. D. 605.

* There is no worse torture than the torture of laws.
** Lord Bacon, folio edition, Vol. I. 440, 441.

* Hard cases, it has been frequently observed, are apt to introduce bad law.
** Wolfe, B., Winterbottom v. Wright (1842), 10 Meeson k Welsby, 116.

* General laws cannot give way to particular cases.
** [[William Henry Ashurst (judge)|William Henry Ashurst]], King v. The College of Physicians (1797), 7 T. R. 290.

* We must not, by any whimsical conceits supposed to be adapted to the altering fashions of the times, overturn the established law of the land: it descended to us as a sacred charge, and it is our duty to preserve it.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., Clayton v. Adams (1796), 6 T. R. 605.

* We must proceed according to evidence, and forms and methods of law; they may think what they will of me, but I will always declare my mind according to my conscience.
** Wright, L.C.J., ''Trial of the Seven Bishops'' (1688), 12 How. St. Tr. 344.

* '''The law of England is a law of [[liberty]].'''
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''William Cobbett's Case'' (1804), 24 How. St. Tr. 49.

* ''Lex Anglite est lex misericordite''. '''The law of England is a law of [[mercy]].'''
** Coke, 2 Inst. 315.

* If the law be thought to be improper or inconvenient, application to correct it must be made elsewhere, and not to those who are bound by the repeated and solemn judgments of their predecessors.
** [[Sir Francis Buller, 1st Baronet|Buller]], J., ''Bishop of London v. Ffytche'' (1800), 1 East, 495.

* No person is less disposed than I am to accommodate the law to the particular convenience of the case: but I am always glad when I find the strict law and the justice of the case going hand in hand together.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''Peaceable v. Read and others'' (1801), 1 East. 573.

* I agree that is the law, though I think it is a hard law; but we have nothing to do with the question of hardship.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''In re Perkins'' (1890), L. R. 24 Q. B. D. 618.

* ''Anglite jura in omni catu libertatis dant favorem'': The laws of England in every case of liberty are favourable.
** Fortescue c. 42.

* What is ridiculous and absurd never is, to my mind, to be adopted either in law or in equity.
** Brett, M.R., In re Garnett; Gandy v. Macaulay (1885), L. R. 31 C. D. 9.

* '''I think the law is generally reasonable.'''
** Cotton, L.J., Bidder v. Bridges (1887), L. J. 57 C. D. 304.

* Now when a rule of law which is against principle is alleged to be established, there are two points to be considered; first of all, was any such rule of law ever laid down by any Judge? That is the first point to be decided; and secondly, if it was so laid down, has it passed into a binding rule of law ?—that is, has it been so recognised and dealt with by subsequent Judges as to prevent a Judge of a tribunal of co-ordinate jurisdiction from saying that the decision is contrary to the course of law, and is not binding upon him.
** Jessel, M.R., ''Henty v. Wrey'' (1882), L. R. 21 C. D. 340.

* '''The picture of law triumphant and justice prostrate, is not, I am aware, without admirers. To me it is a sorry spectacle.''' The spirit of justice does not reside in formalities, or words, nor is the triumph of its administration to be found in successfully picking a way between the pitfalls of technicality. After all, the law is, or ought to be, but the handmaid of justice, and inflexibility, which is the most becoming robe of the latter, often serves to render the former grotesque. But '''any real inroad upon the rights and opportunities for defence of a person charged with a breach of the law, whereby the certainty of justice might be imperilled, I conceive to be a matter of the highest moment.'''
** [[James Wilde, 1st Baron Penzance|Lord Penzance]], ''Combe v. Edwards'' (1878), L. R. 3 P. D. 142.

* Whatever disadvantages attach to a system of unwritten law, and of these we are fully sensible, it has at least this advantage, that its elasticity enables those who administer it to adapt it to the varying conditions of society, and to the requirements and habits of the age in which we live, so as to avoid the inconsistencies and injustice which arise when the law is no longer in harmony with the wants and usages and interests of the generation to which it is immediately applied.
** [[Sir Alexander Cockburn, 12th Baronet]], C.J., ''Wason v. Walter'' (1868), L. R. 4 Q. B. 93.

* '''You say well: the law of God is the law of England; and you have heard no law else, but what is consonant to the law of reason, which is the best law of God; and here is none else urged against you.'''
** Keble, C.J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1307.

* God made man, and gave him a law to live by; and the laws of England are grounded on the laws of God: and in the laws of England every man is concerned.
** Garmond, J., Streater's Case (1653), 5 How. St. Tr. 387.

* Personally, I detest any attempt to bring the law into maxims. Maxims are invariably wrong, that is, they are so general and large that they always include something which is not intended to be included.
** [[William Brett, 1st Viscount Esher]], M.R., ''Yarmouth v. France'' (1887), L. J. 57 Q. B. 9.

* Remind him as always to keep his Legions intact, for they make the law legal.
** [[w:Rex Harrison|Reginald &quot;Rex&quot; Harrison]] as Caesar, [[w:Cleopatra (1963 movie)|Cleopatra]] (1963), around 6th minute of Act I

* There is no other power in England, but a legal power to punish according to law.
** Holt, C.J., ''Duncombe's Case'' (1699), 13 How. St. Tr. 1077.

* Retrospective laws are, primd facie of questionable policy, and contrary to the general principle that legislation by which the conduct of mankind is to be regulated ought, when introduced for the first time, to deal with future acts, and ought not to change the character of past transactions carried on upon the faith of the then existing law. Leges et constitutiones futuris certum est dare formam negotiis non ad facta proBterita revocari; nisi nominatim et de praiterito tempore et adhuc pendentibus negotiis cautum sit.
** Willes, J., ''Phillips v. Eyre'' (1870), L. R. 6 Q. B. 23.

* Whatever place becomes the habitation of civilized men, there the laws of decency must be inforced.
** McDonald, C.B., ''Rex v. Crunden'' (1809), 2 Camp. 89.

* There is no law whatsoever but may be dispensed with by the Supreme Law-giver; as the laws of God may be dispensed with by God himself; as it appears by God's command to Abraham, to offer up his son Isaac: so likewise the law of man may be dispensed with by the legislator, for a law may either be too wide or too narrow, and there may be many cases which may be out of the conveniences which did induce the law to be made; for it is impossible for the wisest lawmaker to foresee all the cases that may be, or are to be remedied, and therefore there must be a power somewhere, able to dispense with these laws.
** Herbert, C.J., Hale's Case (1686), 11 How. St. Tr. 1196.

* ''Nova constitutio futuris formam impomere debet non praeteritis'': A new state of the law ought to affect the future, not the past.
** 2 Inst. 292.

* ''Lex prospicit non respicit'': The law looks forward, not backward.
** Jenk. Cent. 284.

* ''Omnis nova eonstitutio futuris temporibus formam imponere debet, non prateritis'': Every new enactment should affect future, not past times.
** 2 Inst. 95.

* ''Leges posteriores priores, contrarias abrogant''
** Subsequent laws repeal prior contrary laws.
** 11 Co. 626.

* If the law be so, there must be some just and honest reason for it, or else some universal settled rule of law upon which it is grounded.
** Holt, C.J., Coggs v. Bernard (1704), Raym. 909.

* If it is law, it will be found in our books. If it is not to be found there, it is not law.
** Camden, L.C.J., Case of Seizure of Papers (1765), 19 How. St. Tr. 1066.

* You were speaking of the laws being in other tongues; those that we try you by are in English; and we proceed in English against you; and therefore you have no cause to complain.
** Michel, J., ''Lilburne's Case'' (1649), 4 How. St. Tr. 1311.

* The laws of England will protect the rights of British subjects, and give a remedy for a grievance committed by one British subject upon another, in whatever country that may be done.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''Forbes v. Cochrane and Cockburn'' (1824), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 159.

* A residence in a new country often introduces a change of legal condition, which imposes rights and obligations totally inconsistent with the former rights and obligations of the same persons.
** Lord Stowell, ''The Slave Grace'' (1827), 2 St. Tr. (N. S.) 289; 2 Hagg. 94.

* The law of nature is that which God at the time of creation of the nature of man infused into his heart, for his preservation and direction; and this is lex ceterna, the moral law, called also the law of nature. And by this law, written with the finger of God in the heart of man, were the people of God a long time governed, before the law was written by [[Moses]], who was the first reporter or writer of law in the world.
** Lord Coke, ''Calvin's Case'' (1608), 4 Co. 21.

* ''De non apparentibus, et noti existentibia, eadem est ratio'': Things which do not appear are to be treated as the same as those which do not exist.
** Co.

* Shew me any law for that if you can, Mr. Williams, I know you are a lawyer.
** Jefferies, L.C.J., ''Trial of John Hampden'' (1684), 9 How. St. Tr. 1057.

* Every moral man is as much bound to obey the civil law of the land as the law of nature.
** Eooke, J., ''Aubert v. Maze'' (1801), 1 Bos. &amp; Pull. 375.

* If a man endeavours to obtain a repeal of those laws, which are conceived to be obnoxious, or the introduction of any laws which he believes to be salutary, if he does that legally, there is no objection to it.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''R. v. Hunt and others'' (1820), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 484.

* It would be of ill-consequence, to authenticate a body of laws, that have lain dormant for two hundred years.
** Foster, J., ''The King v. Bishop of Ely'' (1750), 1 Black. Rep. 59.

* Legality and oppression are not unknown to run hand in hand.
** [[Henry Hawkins, 1st Baron Brampton|Hawkins]], J., ''Roberts v. Jones; Willey v. Great Northern Railway Co.'' (1891), L. R. 2 Q. B. [1891], p.&amp;nbsp;203.

* The law has prescribed a particular method, and we cannot alter the law, nor prevent the inconveniences.
** Holt, C.J., ''Tawney's Case'' (1703), 2 Raym. 1013.

* '''Necessity is the law of the time and action, and things are lawful by necessity, which otherwise are not'''; &quot;''Quicguid necessitas cogit, defendit''&quot;; and the law of the time must regulate the law of the place in such public things.
** [[w:Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow| Edward Littleton, 1st Baron Littleton of Mounslow]], ''[[w:John Hampden|Hampden]]'s Case'' (1637), 3 How. St. Tr. 927.

* It is a public scandal when the law is forced to uphold a dishonest act.
** Lord [[Edward Macnaghten, Baron Macnaghten|Macnaghten‎]], ''Nordenfelt v. Maxim Nordenfelt &amp;c. Co.'' (1894), L. R. App. Ca. Part 5, p.&amp;nbsp;573.

* Sans fact conus, est impossible de seier la ley sur cest fact: Without a known fact, it is impossible to know the law on that fact.
** Vaughan, J., ''Bushel's Case'' (1670), Jones's (Sir Thos.) Rep. 16.

* ''Necessitas est lex temporis et loci''
** '''Necessity is the law of time and place.'''
** ''Hale's V. C.'' 54.

* '''The law of necessity dispenses with things which otherwise are not lawful to be done.'''
** Per Cur., ''Manby v. Scott'' (1672), 1 Levinz, 4; 2 Sm. L. C. (8th ed.) 446.

==''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989)==
* He that keepeth the law of the Lord getteth the understanding thereof: and the perfection of the fear of the Lord is wisdom.
** The Bible (Apocrypha), Ecclesiasticus 21:11.

* If you like laws and sausages, you should never watch either one being made.
** Widely attributed to [[Otto von Bismarck]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* So great moreover is the regard of the law for private property, that it will not authorize the least violation of it; no, not even for the general good of the whole community.
** Sir [[William Blackstone]], ''Commentaries on the Laws of England'' (1783, reprinted 1978), 9th ed., book 1, chapter 1, section 3, p. 139.

* Law never ''is'', but is always about to be.
** [[Benjamin Cardozo]], lecture to Yale Law School, 1921; ''The Nature of the Judicial Process'' (1921), lecture 3, p. 126.

* There is no jewel in the world comparable to learning; no learning so excellent both for Prince and subject, as knowledge of laws; and no knowledge of any laws (I speak of human) so necessary for all estates and for all causes, concerning goods, lands or life, as the common laws of England.
** Sir [[Edward Coke]], ''Le Second Part Des Reportes Del Edward Coke'' (1600–1659), p. vi . Spelling modernized, as reported in ''Respectfully Quoted'' (1989).

* Good men must not obey the laws too well.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'', in ''The Complete Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1929), vol. 1, p. 300.

* Republics abound in young civilians who believe that the laws make the city, that grave modifications of the policy and modes of living and employments of the population, that commerce, education and religion may be voted in or out; and that any measure, though it were absurd, may be imposed on a people if only you can get sufficient voices to make it a law. But the wise know that foolish legislation is a rope of sand which perishes in the twisting; that the State must follow and not lead the character and progress of the citizen; that the form of government which prevails is the expression of what cultivation exists in the population which permits it. The law is only a memorandum.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Politics&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'' in ''The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson'' (1903), vol. 3, p. 199–200.

* It cannot be helped, it is as it should be, that the law is behind the times.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], speech at Harvard Law School Association of New York, New York City (February 15, 1913); ''Speeches by Oliver Wendell Holmes'' (1934), p. 101.

* It is revolting to have no better reason for a rule of law than that so it was laid down in the time of Henry IV.
**[[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], associate justice, supreme court of Massachusetts, address delivered at the dedication of the new hall of Boston University School of Law, Boston, Massachusetts (January 8, 1897), Holmes, ''Address Delivered at the Dedication…'' (1897), p. 18.

* The laws of God, the laws of man,&lt;br&gt;He may keep that will and can;&lt;br&gt;Not I: let God and man decree&lt;br&gt;Laws for themselves and not for me;&lt;br&gt;And if my ways are not as theirs&lt;br&gt;Let them mind their own affairs.
** [[A. E. Housman]], &quot;The laws of God, the laws of man&quot;, line 1–6, ''Last Poems'', in ''The Collected Poems'' (1967), p. 79.

* A strict observance of the written laws is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. To lose our country by a scrupulous adherence to written law, would be to lose the law itself, with life, liberty, property and all those who are enjoying them with us; thus absurdly sacrificing the end to the means.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John B. Colvin (September 20, 1810), in Paul L. Ford, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1898), vol. 9, p. 279.

* There is, therefore, only one [[categorical imperative]]. It is: Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals'' (1969), trans. Lewis W. Beck, ed. Robert P. Wolff, section 2, p. 44.

* Because just as good morals, if they are to be maintained, have need of the laws, so the laws, if they are to be observed, have need of good morals.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Discourses on the First Decade of Titus Livius'' (1965), trans. Allan Gilbert, book 1, chapter 18, p. 241.

* It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is to-day, can guess what it will be to-morrow.
** [[James Madison]] (?), ''The Federalist'', ed. Benjamin F. Wright (1961), no. 62, p. 411–12.

== See also ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* [[Agency theory]]
* [[Antinomianism]]
*[[Atonement]]
* [[Autonomy]]
*[[Corruption]]
* [[Dharma]]
* [[Golden Rule]]
* [[Government]]
* [[Halakha]]
* [[International Criminal Court]]
* [[International law]]
* [[Judges]]
* [[Justice]]
{{col-2}}
*[[Karma]]
* [[Lawyers]]
* [[Legislators]]
* [[Legislature]]
* [[Rational-legal authority]]
* [[Reincarnation]]
* [[Rule of law|Rule of Law]]
* [[Rules]]
* [[Sharia]]
* [[State]]
*[[Tyranny]]
{{col-end}}
== External links ==
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{{wiktionary|law}}
{{Social and political philosophy}}
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      <sha1>4mgtm26qamdchq54c0aax0pk5hwrgqo</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Abraham Lincoln</title>
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      <text bytes="538873" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-77 matte collodion print.jpg|thumb|Let us have [[faith]] that [[Righteousness|right]] makes [[might]], and in that faith let us to the end dare to do our [[duty]] as we [[understand]] it.]]
'''[[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]]''' ([[February 12|12 February]] [[1809]] &amp;ndash; [[April 15|15 April]] [[1865]]) was the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|16th president of the United States]], serving from March 1861 until [[Assassination of Abraham Lincoln|his assassination in April 1865]]. Initially entering politics as a [[w:Whig Party (United States)|Whig]], he became a member of the US congress from Illinois, and later the first [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] president, leading [[Union (United States)|Union]] forces throughout the moral, constitutional, political and military crises of the [[American Civil War]], during which he abolished [[slavery]] and strengthened the U.S. government.
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-116 by Gardner, 1865.png|thumb|With [[malice]] toward none, with [[charity]] for [[all]]; with firmness in the right, as [[God]] gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the [[work]] we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting [[peace]], among ourselves, and with all [[nations]].]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Eastman Johnson, The boyhood of Lincoln, an evening in the log hut, 1868.jpg|thumb|Upon the subject of [[education]], not presuming to dictate any plan or [[system]] respecting it, I can only say that I view it as the most important subject which we as a people can be engaged in.]]&lt;!-- 9 March 1832 --&gt;
[[File:MaryToddLincoln.jpg|thumb|I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.]]&lt;!-- 1 April 1838 --&gt;
[[File:1858 Abraham Lincoln portrait from campaign button.png|thumb|The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.]]&lt;!-- 1839 --&gt;
[[File:Boeing AH-64 Apache helicopter with rainbow around Oahu, Hawaii.jpg|thumb|Military glory, — that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood.''']]&lt;!-- 12 January 1848) --&gt;
[[File:Abelincoln1846.jpeg|thumb|Allow the President to invade a neighboring [[nation]] whenever he shall deem it necessary... and you allow him to make [[war]] at pleasure.]]&lt;!-- 15 February 1848 --&gt;
[[File:United States penny, obverse, 2002.png|thumb|The true rule, in determining to embrace, or reject any thing, is not whether it have any [[evil]] in it; but whether it have more of evil, than of good.]]&lt;!-- 20 June 1848 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln - Better Vision Institute ad, 1948.jpg|thumb|Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.]]&lt;!-- 20 June 1848 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln circa 1860.png |thumb|The better part of one's life consists of his [[friendships]].]]&lt;!-- 13 July 1849 --&gt;
[[File:SH Lincoln Mem 6-12-14 391.jpg|thumb|Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed, is more important than any other one thing.]]&lt;!-- 5 November 1855 --&gt;
[[File:Thomas Hicks - Leopold Grozelier - Presidential Candidate Abraham Lincoln 1860.jpg|thumb|We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.]]&lt;!-- 29 May 1856 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_O-36_by_Butler,_1860-crop.jpg|thumb|Those who deny [[freedom]] to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just [[God]], can not long retain it.]]&lt;!-- 1859 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by George Clark, 1860 campaign ambrotype.jpg|thumb|Understanding the spirit of our institutions to aim at the elevation of men, I am opposed to whatever tends to degrade them.]]&lt;!-- 17 May 1859 --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln-heslerlg.jpg|thumb| Free labor has the inspiration of hope; pure slavery has no hope.]]&lt;!-- 17 September 1859? --&gt;
[[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg |thumb|Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. And not to Democrats alone do I make this appeal, but to all who love these great and true principles.]]&lt;!-- (27 August 1856) --&gt;
[[File:Supreme Court of the United States - Philosophical Swag.jpg|thumb|The people of these United States are the rightful masters of both Congresses and courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.]]
[[File:Jacek Malczewski - Na etapie (Aresztanci).jpg|thumb|400px|The Autocrat of all the Russias will resign his crown, and proclaim his subjects free republicans sooner than will our American masters voluntarily give up their slaves.]]
[[File:1660 blk 19329 zoom.png|thumb|Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser — in fees, expenses, and waste of time.]]&lt;!-- 1 July 1850? --&gt;
[[File:Collier's 1921 Lincoln Abraham - cabinet meeting.jpg |thumb|The legitimate object of government, is to do for a community of people, whatever they need to have done, but can not do, at all, or can not, so well do, for themselves — in their separate, and individual capacities. In all that the people can individually do as well for themselves, government ought not to interfere.]]&lt;!-- 1 July 1854? --&gt;
[[File:Jean Leon Gerome Ferris - The Railsplitter (1909).png |thumb|Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere.]]&lt;!-- 11 September 1858 --&gt;
[[File:SlavesForSaleNewOrleans1861.jpeg|thumb|You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks, and, therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with an intellect superior to your own.]]&lt;!-- 1 April 1854? --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln O-5 by Byers, 1858.png|thumb|I believe each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights.]]&lt;!-- 10 July 1858 --&gt;

=== 1820s ===

* Abraham Lincoln &lt;br /&gt; his hand and pen &lt;br /&gt; he will be good but &lt;br /&gt; god knows When
** [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html#1 Manuscript poem, as a teenager (ca. 1824–1826)], in [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;Lincoln as Poet&quot; at ''Library of Congress : Presidents as Poets''] also in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) edited by Roy. P. Basler, Vol. 1

* Abraham Lincoln is my name &lt;br /&gt; And with my pen I wrote the same &lt;br /&gt; I wrote in both hast and speed &lt;br /&gt; and left it here for fools to read
** Manuscript poem, as a teenager (ca. 1824–1826), in [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;Lincoln as Poet&quot; at ''Library of Congress : Presidents as Poets''], as published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) edited by Roy. P. Basler, Vol. 1

=== 1830s ===
* '''Upon the subject of [[Education in the United States|education]], not presuming to dictate any plan or system respecting it, I can only say that I view it as the most important subject which we as a people can be engaged in.''' That every man may receive at least a moderate education, and thereby be enabled to read the histories of his own and other countries, by which he may duly appreciate the value of our free institutions, appears to be an object of vital importance, even on this account alone, to say nothing of the advantages and satisfaction to be derived from all being able to read the [[The Bible|Scriptures]], and other works both of a religious and moral nature, for themselves.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/The_Improvement_of_Sangamon_River#6|Address Delivered in Candidacy for the State Legislature]] (9 March 1832)

* '''Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say, for one, that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow-men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem.'''
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/The_Improvement_of_Sangamon_River#6|Address Delivered in Candidacy for the State Legislature]] (9 March 1832)

* '''These [[Capitalism|capitalists]] generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel.'''
** Speech to Illinois legislature (January 1837); This is &quot;Lincoln's First Reported Speech&quot;, found in the ''Sangamo Journal'' (28 January 1837) according to ''McClure's Magazine'' (March 1896); also in ''Lincoln's Complete Works'' (1905) ed. by [[w:John George Nicolay|Nicolay]] and Hay, Vol. 1, p. 24

*I am mighty near one.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=oERgfRqL2vUC&amp;pg=PA124&amp;dq=mighty When asked if he was an abolitionist (1837)]

* Whatever Spiteful fools may Say — &lt;br /&gt; Each jealous, ranting yelper — &lt;br /&gt; No woman ever played the whore &lt;br /&gt; Unless She had a man to help her.
** A stanza of Lincoln's [http://lincoln.lib.niu.edu/islandora/object/niu-lincoln%3A35129 &quot;On Seduction&quot; (1837-39) as conveyed by James H. Matheny (1865 or 1866)]

* I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason; '''I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln1/1:134?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Mrs. Orville H. Browning (1 April 1838)], Collected Works, vol. 1. p. 119

* Broken by it, I, too, may be; bow to it I never will. '''The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.''' If ever I feel the soul within me elevate and expand to those dimensions not wholly unworthy of its Almighty Architect, it is when I contemplate the cause of my country, deserted by all the world beside, and I standing up boldly and alone and hurling defiance at her victorious oppressors. Here, without contemplating consequences, before High Heaven, and in the face of the world, I swear eternal fidelity to the just cause, as I deem it, of the land of my life, my liberty and my love. And who, that thinks with me, will not fearlessly adopt the oath that I take? '''Let none falter, who thinks he is right, and we may succeed. But, if after all, we shall fail, be it so. We still shall have the proud consolation of saying to our consciences, and to the departed shade of our country's freedom, that the cause approved of our judgment, and adored of our hearts, in disaster, in chains, in torture, in death, we NEVER faltered in defending.'''
** Speech of the Sub-Treasury (1839), ''Collected Works'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;view=text;idno=lincoln1;rgn=div1;node=lincoln1:193 1:178-9]
** Variant (misspelling): The probability that we may ''fail'' in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; ''and'' it shall not deter me.

====Illinois House Journal (1837)====
:&lt;small&gt;Protest entered, pages 817-818 of the House Journal, March 3, by Lincoln with Dan Stone, another representative of Sangomon, briefly defined his position on the slavery question. According to his autobiography, written June, 1860, and following his nomination for President, &quot;...his position on the slavery question ...so far as it goes, it was then the same that it is now.&quot; Quoted from ''A Short Autobiography, Written in June 1860, at the Request of a Friend to use in preparing a Popular Campaign Biography at the Election of that Year'', in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) pp. 19-21.&lt;/small&gt;

* Resolutions upon the subject of domestic slavery having passed both branches of the [[w:Illinois General Assembly|General Assembly]] at its present session, the undersigned hereby protest against the passage of the same.

* They believe that the institution of slavery is founded on both injustice and bad policy, but that the promulgation of Abolition doctrines tends rather to increase than abate its evils.

* They believe that the [[United States Congress|Congress of the United States]] has no power under the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] to interfere with the institution of slavery in the different States.

==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's Lyceum address|The Lyceum Address]] (1838) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:The Lyceum Address|The Perpetuation of Our Political Institutions : Lincoln's address to the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois]] (27 January 1838)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham lincoln by george grey barnard cincinnati 2006.jpg |thumb|If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.]]
[[File:Americana 1920 Lincoln Abraham.jpg |thumb|Let every American, every lover of liberty, every well-wisher to his posterity swear by the blood of the Revolution never to violate in the least particular the laws of the country, and never to tolerate their violation by others.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln at Home 1865.jpg |thumb|Let every man remember that to violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed by every American mother to the lisping babe...]]
[[File:Captain Abraham Lincoln1.jpg|thumb|There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.]]
[[File:The Library of Congress - (Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President. Seated portrait, holding glasses and newspaper, Aug. 9, 1863) (LOC).jpg|thumb|Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defence.]]

* We find ourselves under the government of a system of political institutions, conducing more essentially to the ends of civil and [[Freedom of religion|religious liberty]], than any of which the history of former times tells us. We, when mounting the stage of existence, found ourselves the legal inheritors of these fundamental blessings. We toiled not in the acquirement or establishment of them; they are a legacy bequeathed us by a once hardy, brave, and patriotic, but now lamented and departed, race of ancestors. Theirs was the task (and nobly they performed it) to possess themselves, and through themselves us, of this goodly land, and to uprear upon its hills and its valleys '''a political edifice of liberty and equal rights'''; 'tis ours only '''to transmit these — the former unprofaned by the foot of an invader, the latter undecayed by the lapse of time and untorn by usurpation — to the latest generation''' that fate shall permit the world to know. '''This task gratitude to our fathers, justice to ourselves, duty to posterity, and love for our species in general, all imperatively require us faithfully to perform.'''

* At what point shall we expect the approach of danger? By what means shall we fortify against it? — Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never! — All the armies of [[Europe]], [[Asia]] and [[Africa]] combined, with all the [[Wealth|treasure]] of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the [[w:Ohio River|Ohio]], or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years. &lt;br /&gt; '''At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.'''

* I hope I am over wary; but if I am not, there is, even now, something of ill-omen, amongst us. I mean the increasing disregard for law which pervades the country; the growing disposition to substitute the wild and furious passions, in lieu of the sober judgment of [[Courts]]; and the worse than savage [[Mob|mobs]], for the executive ministers of justice. This disposition is awfully fearful in any and that it now exists in ours, though grating to our feelings to admit, it would be a violation of truth and an insult to our intelligence to deny.

* Accounts of outrages committed by mobs form the every-day news of the times. They have pervaded the country from [[New England]] to [[w:Louisiana|Louisiana]], they are neither peculiar to the eternal snows of the former nor the burning suns of the latter; they are not the creature of climate, neither are they confined to the slaveholding or the non-slaveholding States. Alike they spring up among the pleasure-hunting masters of Southern slaves, and the order-loving citizens of the land of steady habits. Whatever then their cause may be, it is common to the whole country. [...] Such are the effects of mob law, and such are the scenes becoming more and more frequent in this land so lately famed for love of law and order, and the stories of which have even now grown too familiar to attract anything more than an idle remark. But you are perhaps ready to ask, &quot;What has this to do with the perpetuation of our political institutions?&quot; I answer, &quot;It has much to do with it.&quot; Its direct consequences are, comparatively speaking, but a small evil, and much of its danger consists in the proneness of our minds to regard its direct as its only consequences.

* When men take it in their heads to-day, to hang [[Gambling|gamblers]], or burn murderers, they should recollect, that, in the confusion usually attending such transactions, they will be as likely to hang or burn some one who is neither a gambler nor a murderer as one who is; and that, acting upon the example they set, the mob of to-morrow, may, and probably will, hang or burn some of them by the very same mistake. And not only so; the innocent, those who have ever set their faces against violations of law in every shape, alike with the guilty, fall victims to the ravages of mob law; and thus it goes on, step by step, till all the walls erected for the defense of the persons and property of individuals, are trodden down, and disregarded.

* But all this even, is not the full extent of the evil. — By such examples, by instances of the perpetrators of such acts going unpunished, the lawless in spirit, are encouraged to become lawless in practice; and having been used to no restraint, but dread of punishment, they thus become, absolutely unrestrained. — Having ever regarded Government as their deadliest bane, they make a jubilee of the suspension of its operations; and pray for nothing so much, as its total annihilation. While, on the other hand, good men, men who love tranquillity, who desire to abide by the laws and enjoy their benefits, who would gladly spill their blood in the defense of their country, seeing their property destroyed, their families insulted, and their lives endangered, their persons injured, and seeing nothing in prospect that forebodes a change for the better, become tired of and disgusted with a government that offers them no protection, and are not much averse to a change in which they imagine they have nothing to lose. Thus, then, '''by the operation of''' this '''mobocratic spirit''' which all must admit is now abroad in the land, '''the strongest bulwark of any government''', and particularly of those constituted like ours, '''may effectually be broken down and destroyed — I mean the attachment of the People.'''

* Whenever this effect shall be produced among us; '''whenever the vicious portion of [our] population shall be permitted to gather in bands of hundreds and thousands, and burn churches, ravage and rob provision stores, throw printing-presses into rivers, shoot editors, and hang and burn obnoxious persons at pleasure and with impunity''', depend upon it, '''this government cannot last. By such things the feelings of the best citizens will become more or less alienated from it, and thus it will be left without friends, or with too few, and those few too weak to make their friendship effectual.''' At such a time, and under such circumstances, men of sufficient talent and ambition will not be wanting to seize the opportunity, strike the blow, and overturn that fair fabric which for the last half century has been the fondest hope of the lovers of freedom throughout the world.

* '''Let every American, every lover of liberty, every well-wisher to his posterity swear by the blood of the [[American Revolution|Revolution]] never to violate in the least particular the laws of the country, and never to tolerate their violation by others.''' As the patriots of seventy-six did to the support of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], so '''to the support of the Constitution and laws let every American pledge his life, his property, and his sacred honor — let every man remember that to violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed by every American mother to the lisping babe that prattles on her lap; let it be taught in schools, in seminaries, and in colleges; let it be written in primers, spelling-books, and in almanacs; let it be preached from the pulpit, proclaimed in legislative halls, and enforced in courts of justice. And, in short, let it become the political religion of the nation; and let the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the grave and the gay of all sexes and tongues and colors and conditions, sacrifice unceasingly upon its altars. While ever a state of feeling such as this shall universally or even very generally prevail throughout the nation, vain will be every effort, and fruitless every attempt, to subvert our national freedom.'''

* '''When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, or that grievances may not arise for the redress of which no legal provisions have been made. I mean to say no such thing. But I do mean to say that although bad laws, if they exist, should be repealed as soon as possible, still, while they continue in force, for the sake of example they should be religiously observed.''' So also in unprovided cases. If such arise, let proper legal provisions be made for them with the least possible delay, but till then let them, if not too intolerable, be borne with.

* '''There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law. In any case that arises''', as for instance, the promulgation of abolitionism, '''one of two positions is necessarily true'''; that is, '''the thing is right within itself, and therefore deserves the protection of all law and all good citizens; or, it is wrong, and therefore proper to be prohibited by legal enactments; and in neither case, is the interposition of mob law, either necessary, justifiable, or excusable.'''

* '''We hope all danger may be overcome; but to conclude that no danger may ever arise would itself be extremely dangerous.'''

* That our government should have been maintained in its original form from its establishment until now, is not much to be wondered at. It had many props to support it through that period, which now are decayed, and crumbled away. Through that period, it was felt by all, to be an undecided experiment; now, it is understood to be a successful one.

* '''It is to deny, what the history of the world tells us is true, to suppose that men of ambition and talents will not continue to spring up amongst us. And, when they do, they will as naturally seek the gratification of their ruling passion, as others have so done before them.''' The question then, is, can that gratification be found in supporting and maintaining an edifice that has been erected by others? Most certainly it cannot. Many great and good men sufficiently qualified for any task they should undertake, may ever be found, whose ambition would inspire to nothing beyond a seat in Congress, a gubernatorial or a presidential chair; ''but such belong not to the family of the lion, or the tribe of the eagle.'' What! think you these places would satisfy an [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], a [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], or a [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]]? — Never! '''Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored. — It sees ''no distinction'' in adding story to story, upon the monuments of fame, erected to the memory of others. It ''denies'' that it is glory enough to serve under any chief. It ''scorns'' to tread in the footsteps of ''any'' predecessor, however illustrious. It thirsts and burns for distinction'''; and, if possible, it will have it, whether at the expense of emancipating slaves, or enslaving freemen. '''Is it unreasonable then to expect, that some man possessed of the loftiest genius, coupled with ambition sufficient to push it to its utmost stretch, will at some time, spring up among us? And when such a one does, it will require the people to be united with each other, attached to the government and laws, and generally intelligent, to successfully frustrate his designs. Distinction will be his paramount object, and although he would as willingly, perhaps more so, acquire it by doing good as harm, yet, that opportunity being past, and nothing left to be done in the way of building up, he would set boldly to the task of pulling down. '''
** Often the portion of this passage on &quot;Towering genius...&quot; is quoted without any mention or acknowledgment that Lincoln was speaking of the need to sometimes hold the ambitions of such genius in check, when individuals aim at their own personal aggrandizement rather than the common good.

* I mean the powerful influence which the interesting scenes of the Revolution had upon the passions of the people as distinguished from their judgment. By this influence, the jealousy, envy, and avarice incident to our nature and so common to a state of peace, prosperity, and conscious strength, were for the time in a great measure smothered and rendered inactive, while the deep-rooted principles of hate, and the powerful motive of revenge, instead of being turned against each other, were directed exclusively against the British nation. And thus, '''from the force of circumstances, the basest principles of our nature, were either made to lie dormant, or to become the active agents in the advancement of the noblest cause — that of establishing and maintaining civil and religious liberty. But this state of feeling ''must fade, is fading, has faded'', with the circumstances that produced it.''' I do not mean to say that the scenes of the Revolution are now or ever will be entirely forgotten, but that, like everything else, they must fade upon the memory of the world, and grow more and more dim by the lapse of time. In history, we hope, they will be read of, and recounted, so long as the Bible shall be read; but even granting that they will, their influence cannot be what it heretofore has been. Even then they cannot be so universally known nor so vividly felt as they were by the generation just gone to rest. At the close of that struggle, nearly every adult male had been a participator in some of its scenes. The consequence was that of those scenes, in the form of a husband, a father, a son, or a brother, a living history was to be found in every family — a history bearing the indubitable testimonies of its own authenticity, in the limbs mangled, in the scars of wounds received, in the midst of the very scenes related — a history, too, that could be read and understood alike by all, the wise and the ignorant, the learned and the unlearned. But '''those histories are gone. They can be read no more forever. They were a fortress of strength; but what invading foeman could never do, the silent artillery of time has done — the leveling of its walls. They are gone. They were a forest of giant oaks; but the all-restless hurricane has swept over them, and left only here and there a lonely trunk, despoiled of its verdure, shorn of its foliage, unshading and unshaded, to murmur in a few more gentle breezes, and to combat with its mutilated limbs a few more ruder storms, then to sink and be no more. They were pillars of the temple of liberty; and now that they have crumbled away that temple must fall unless we, their descendants, supply their places with other pillars, hewn from the solid quarry of sober reason.'''

* '''Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defence. — Let those materials be moulded into ''general intelligence, sound morality'', and in particular, ''a reverence for the constitution and laws''''': and, that we improved to the last; that we remained free to the last; that we revered his name to the last; that, during his long sleep, we permitted no hostile foot to pass over or desecrate his resting place; shall be that which to learn the last trump shall awaken our [[George Washington|WASHINGTON]]. &lt;br /&gt; Upon these let the proud fabric of freedom rest, as the rock of its basis; and as truly as has been said of the only greater institution, &quot;''the gates of [[hell]] shall not prevail against it''&quot;.

=== 1840s ===
* I am now the most miserable man living. '''If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.''' Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.
** Letter to John T. Stuart (23 January 1841), ''Collected Works'' [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln1;node=lincoln1%3A248 1:229-30]

*... none seemed to think the injury arose from the ''use'' of a ''bad thing'', but from the ''abuse'' of a ''very good thing''.  
** Address to the Springfield Washingtonian Temperance Society (22 February 1842). Frequently misquoted as &quot;It has long been recognized that the problems with alcohol relate not to the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing.&quot; [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/temperance.htm]

* I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice.
** Address to the Springfield Washingtonian Temperance Society (22 February 1842), quoted at greater length in John Carroll Power (1889) ''Abraham Lincoln: His Life, Public Services, Death and Funeral Cortege''

* For several years past the revenues of the government have been unequal to its expenditures, and consequently loan after loan, sometimes direct and sometimes indirect in form, has been resorted to. By this means a new [[Government debt|national debt]] has been created, and is still growing on us with a rapidity fearful to contemplate — a rapidity only reasonably to be expected in a time of war. This state of things has been produced by a prevailing unwillingness either to increase the tariff or resort to direct taxation. But the one or the other must come. Coming expenditures must be met, and the present debt must be paid; and money cannot always be borrowed for these objects. The system of loans is but temporary in its nature, and must soon explode. It is a system not only ruinous while it lasts, but one that must soon fail and leave us destitute. As an individual who undertakes to live by borrowing soon finds his original means devoured by interest, and, next, no one left to borrow from, so must it be with a government. We repeat, then, that a tariff sufficient for revenue, or a direct tax, must soon be resorted to; and, indeed, we believe this alternative is now denied by no one.
** Whig Circular (1843), reported in Richard Watson Gilder and Daniel Fish ''Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln, Volume 1'' (1905)

* Believing that these propositions, and the [conclusions] I draw from them can not be successfully controverted, I, for the present, assume their correctness, and proceed to try to show, that '''the abandonment of the protective policy by the American Government, must result in the increase of both useless labour, and idleness; and so, in pro[por]tion, must produce want and ruin among our people.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln1/1:423?rgn=div1;view=fulltext &quot;Fragments of a Tariff Discussion&quot;, ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', Vol. 1, p. 415]; according to the source Lincoln's &quot;scraps about protection were written by Lincoln, between his election to Congress in 1846, and taking his seat in Dec. 1847&quot;.

* It has so happened in all ages of the world, that some have laboured, and others have, without labour, enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue. To each labourer the whole product of his labour, or as nearly as possible, is a most worthy object of any good government.
** The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume I, &quot;Fragments of a Tariff Discussion&quot; (1 December 1847)

* I believe it is an established maxim in morals that '''he who makes an assertion without knowing whether it is true or false, is guilty of falsehood; and the accidental truth of the assertion, does not justify or excuse him.'''
** Letter to Allen N. Ford (11 August 1846), reported in Roy Prentice Basler, ed., ''Abraham Lincoln: His Speeches and Writings'' (1990 [1946])

* '''Any people anywhere being inclined and having the power have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better.''' This is a most valuable, a most sacred right — a right which we hope and believe is to liberate the world. Nor is this right confined to cases in which the whole people of an existing government may choose to exercise it. Any portion of such people that can may revolutionize and make their own of so much of the territory as they inhabit. 
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/Arraignment_of_President_Polk_for_War_Against_Mexico#128|Speech in the United States House of Representatives]] (12 January 1848)

* Military glory, — that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/Arraignment_of_President_Polk_for_War_Against_Mexico#129|Speech]] in the [[w:United States House of Representatives|United States House of Representatives]] opposing the [[w:Mexican–American War|Mexican war]] ([http://books.google.com/books?id=wiuRyJK6OocC&amp;pg=PA106&amp;dq=rainbow 12 January 1848])

* '''Allow the [[President of the United States|President]] to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an [[w:Invasion|invasion]], and you allow him to do so, whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose, and you allow him to make war at pleasure.''' Study to see if you can fix any limit to his power in this respect, after having given him so much as you propose. If, to-day, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade [[Canada]], to prevent the [[British Empire|British]] from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, &quot;I see no probability of the British invading us&quot; but he will say to you, &quot;Be silent; I see it, if you don't.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; '''The provision of the Constitution giving the war making power to Congress was dictated, as I understand it, by the following reasons. Kings had always been involving and impoverishing their people in wars, pretending generally, if not always, that the good of the people was the object. This, our [[Constitutional Convention (United States)|Convention]] understood to be the most oppressive of all Kingly oppressions; and they resolved to so frame the Constitution that no one man should hold the power of bringing this oppression upon us.''' But your view destroys the whole matter, and places our President where kings have always stood.
** Letter, while US Congressman, to his friend and law-partner [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]], opposing the [[w:Mexican-American War|Mexican-American War]] (15 February 1848)

* In law it is a good policy never to plead what you need not, lest you oblige yourself to prove what you cannot.
** Letter to former Illinois Attorney General [[w:Usher F. Linder|Usher F. Linder]] (20 February 1848)

* '''The true rule, in determining to embrace, or reject any thing, is not whether it have any evil in it; but whether it have more of evil, than of good.''' There are few things wholly evil, or wholly good. Almost every thing, especially of governmental policy, is an inseparable compound of the two; so that our best judgment of the preponderance between them is continually demanded.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/In_Favor_of_Internal_Improvements#145|Speech in the House of Representatives]] (20 June 1848)

* '''Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.'''
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/In_Favor_of_Internal_Improvements#153|Speech in the House of Representatives]] (20 June 1848)

* The way for a young man to rise, is to improve himself every way he can, never suspecting that any body wishes to hinder him.
** Letter to William H Herndon (10 July 1848)

* '''The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:88.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Letter to Joseph Gillespie] (13 July 1849)

==== My Childhood's Home I See Again (1844 - 1846) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poems/my-childhoods-home-i-see-again &quot;My Childhood's Home I See Again&quot; as written in letters to Andrew Johnston (24 February, 18 April 18, and 26 September 1846)]; Lincoln wrote in the first letter: &quot;In the fall of 1844, thinking I might aid some to carry the State of Indiana for [[Henry Clay|Mr. Clay]], I went into the neighborhood in that State in which I was raised, where my mother and only sister were buried, and from which I had been absent about fifteen years. That part of the country is, within itself, as unpoetical as any spot of the earth; but still, seeing it and its objects and inhabitants aroused feelings in me which were certainly poetry; though whether my expression of those feelings is poetry is quite another question. When I got to writing, the change of subjects divided the thing into four little divisions or cantos, the first only of which I send you now and may send the others hereafter.&quot; In a letter of 6 September Lincoln stated: &quot;The subject of the present one [canto] is an insane man. His name is Matthew Gentry. He is three years older than I, and when we were boys we went to school together. He was rather a bright lad, and the son of ''the'' rich man of our very poor neighbourhood. At the age of nineteen he unaccountably became furiously mad, from which condition he gradually settled down into harmless insanity.&quot;&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My [[childhood]]'s [[home]] I see again, &lt;br /&gt;  And sadden with the view; &lt;br /&gt; And still, as memory crowds my brain, &lt;br /&gt; There's pleasure in it too.'''
** Canto I

* '''As leaving some grand waterfall, &lt;br /&gt; We, lingering, list its roar — &lt;br /&gt; So memory will hallow all &lt;br /&gt; We've known, but know no more.'''
** Canto I

* I range the fields with pensive tread, &lt;br /&gt; And pace the hollow rooms; &lt;br /&gt; And feel (companion of the dead) &lt;br /&gt; I'm living in the tombs.
** Canto I

* &lt;p&gt;But here's an object more of dread &lt;br /&gt; Than ought the grave contains — &lt;br /&gt; A human form with reason fled, &lt;br /&gt; While wretched life remains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Poor Matthew! Once of genius bright, &lt;br /&gt; A fortune-favored child — &lt;br /&gt; Now locked for aye, in mental night, &lt;br /&gt; A haggard mad-man wild.&lt;/p&gt;
** Canto II

* &lt;p&gt;But this is past; and nought remains, &lt;br /&gt; That raised thee o'er the brute. &lt;br /&gt; Thy piercing shrieks, and soothing strains, &lt;br /&gt; Are like, forever mute.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Now fare thee well — more thou the cause, &lt;br /&gt; Than subject now of woe. &lt;br /&gt; All mental pangs, by time's kind laws, &lt;br /&gt; Hast lost the power to know.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; O death! Thou awe-inspiring prince, &lt;br /&gt; That keepst the world in fear; &lt;br /&gt; Why dost thou tear more blest ones hence, &lt;br /&gt; And leave him ling'ring here?&lt;/p&gt;
** Canto II

=== 1850s ===
* The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence. '''Leave nothing for to-morrow which can be done to-day. Never let your correspondence fall behind.''' Whatever piece of business you have in hand, before stopping, do all the labor pertaining to it which can then be done.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

* '''Discourage [[Lawsuit|litigation]]. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser — in fees, expenses, and waste of time.''' As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough. &lt;br /&gt; Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this. Who can be more nearly a fiend than he who habitually overhauls the [[w:Recorder of deeds|register of deeds]] in search of defects in titles, whereon to stir up strife, and put money in his pocket? A moral tone ought to be infused into the profession which should drive such men out of it.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850?), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

* There is a vague popular belief that lawyers are necessarily dishonest. I say vague, because when we consider to what extent confidence and honors are reposed in and conferred upon lawyers by the people, it appears improbable that their impression of dishonesty is very distinct and vivid. Yet the impression is common, almost universal. Let no young man choosing the law for a calling for a moment yield to the popular belief — '''resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.''' Choose some other occupation, rather than one in the choosing of which you do, in advance, consent to be a knave.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

*If A. can prove, however conclusively, that he may, of right, enslave B. Why may not B. snatch the same argument, and prove equally, that he may enslave A? '''You say A. is white, and B. is black. It is color, then; the lighter, having the right to enslave the darker? Take care. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with a fairer skin than your own. You do not mean color exactly? You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks, and, therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with an intellect superior to your own.''' But, say you, it is a question of interest; and, if you can make it your interest, you have the right to enslave another. Very well. And if he can make it his interest, he has the right to enslave you.
**Fragment on slavery (1 April 1854?), as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20140203223031/http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:264?rgn=div1;view=fulltext ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln''] (1953), Vol. 2, pp. 222-223

* '''The legitimate object of government, is to do for a community of people, whatever they need to have done, but can not do, ''at all'', or can not, ''so well do'', for themselves - in their separate, and individual capacities. In all that the people can individually do as well for themselves, government ought not to interfere.''' The desirable things which the individuals of a people can not do, or can not well do, for themselves, fall into two classes: those which have relation to ''wrongs'', and those which have not. Each of these branch off into an infinite variety of subdivisions. The first - that in relation to wrongs - embraces all crimes, misdemeanors, and nonperformance of contracts. The other embraces all which, in its nature, and without wrong, requires combined action, as public roads and highways, public schools, charities, pauperism, orphanage, estates of the deceased, and the machinery of government itself. From this it appears that if all men were just, there still would be ''some'', though not'' so much'', need for government.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:261?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragment on Government] (1 July 1854?) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln&quot;, ed. Roy P. Basler, Vol. 2, pp. 220-221

* The Autocrat of all the Russias will resign his crown, and proclaim his subjects free republicans sooner than will our American masters voluntarily give up their slaves.
** Letter to George Robertson (15 August 1855)

* If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already. It is but a small matter whether you read ''with'' anyone or not. I did not read with anyone. Get the books, and read and study them till you understand them in their principal features; and that is the main thing. It is of no consequence to be in a large town while you are reading. I read at New Salem, which never had three hundred people living in it. The '''books''', and your '''capacity''' for understanding them, are just the same in all places.... '''Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed, is more important than any other one thing.'''
** Letter to Isham Reavis (5 November 1855)

* We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.
** Speech at Bloomington (29 May 1856)

* '''Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. And not to Democrats alone do I make this appeal, but to all who love these great and true principles.'''
** [http://www.mrlincolnandfreedom.org/inside.asp?ID=14&amp;subjectID=2 Speech at Kalamazoo, Michigan (27 August 1856)], ''Collected Works'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:391?rgn=div1;view=fulltext 1:391]

* Our government rests in public opinion. '''Whoever can change public opinion, can change the government''', practically just so much.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:413?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech at a Republican Banquet, Chicago, Illinois, December 10, 1856]; see Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 2'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 532

* Some more in this convention came from [[Kentucky]] to Illinois (instead of going to [[w:Missouri|Missouri]]), not only to better their conditions, but also to get away from slavery. They have said so to me, and it is understood among us Kentuckians that we don't like it one bit. Now, can we, mindful of the blessings of liberty which the early men of Illinois left to us, refuse a like privilege to the free men who seek to plant Freedom's banner on our Western outposts? Should we not stand by our neighbors who seek to better their conditions in [[Kansas]] and [[w:Nebraska|Nebraska]]? Can we as [[Christian]] men, and strong and free ourselves, wield the sledge or hold the iron which is to manacle anew an already oppressed race ? &quot;''Woe unto them'',&quot; it is written, &quot;''that decree unrighteous decrees and that write grievousness which they have prescribed''.&quot; Can we afford to sin any more deeply against human liberty?
** From the '''Speech Delivered Before the First Republican State Convention of Illinois, Held at Bloomington''' (1856); found in ''Speeches &amp; Letters of Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865'' (1894), J. M. Dent &amp; Company, p. 56.
** Also quoted by [[w:Ida Minerva Tarbell|Ida Minerva Tarbell]], ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources and Containing Many Speeches, Letters, and Telegrams Hitherto Unpublished, and Illustrated with Many Reproductions from Original Paintings, Photographs, etc,'' Volume 4 (1902), [http://lincolnhistoricalsociety.org/ Lincoln History Society]; and by William C. Whitney; in '''The Writings of Abraham Lincoln'', v. 2' . (1905) Lapsley, Arthur Brooks, New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons

* '''As I would not be a ''slave'', so I would not be a ''master''. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:547?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=This+expresses+my+idea+of+democracy. Definition of Democracy]; see Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 2'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 532

* Will springs from the two elements of moral sense and self-interest.
** Speech at Springfield, Illinois (26 June 1857)

* They have seen in his round, jolly fruitful face, post-offices, land-offices, marshalships and cabinet-appointments, charge-ships and foreign missions, bursting out in wonderful exuberance, ready to be laid hold of by their greedy hands. Nobody has ever expected me to be president. In my poor, lean lank face nobody has ever seen that any cabbages were sprouting.
** Speech in Springfield, Illinois (17 July 1858), referring to Stephen Douglas. Quoted in [[w:Charles Sumner|Charles Sumner]] (1861), ''The Promises of the Declaration of Independence''

*All I ask for the negro is that if you not like him, let him alone. If God gave him but little let him enjoy.
** [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47553 Speech in Springfield, Illinois] (17 July 1858)

* '''What constitutes the bulwark of our own [[liberty]] and independence?''' It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, the guns of our war steamers, or the strength our gallant and disciplined army? These are not our reliance against a resumption of tyranny in our fair land. All of those may be turned against our liberties, without making us weaker or stronger for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which [[God]] has planted in our bosoms. '''Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit, and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you are preparing your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of those around you, you have lost the genius of your own independence, and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises.'''
** Speech at Edwardsville, Illinois (11 September 1858); quoted in Lincoln, Abraham; Mario Matthew Cuomo, Harold Holzer, G. S. Boritt, ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA128 Lincoln on Democracy]'' (Fordham University Press, September 1, 2004), 128. {{ISBN|978-0823223459}}.
*** Variant of the above quote: What constitutes the bulwark of our own liberty and independence? It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, our army and our navy. These are not our reliance against tyranny All of those may be turned against us without making us weaker for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which God has planted in us. Our defense is in the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism at your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you prepare your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you.
**** Fragment of Speech at Edwardsville, Ill., September 13, 1858; quoted in Lincoln, Abraham; ''[http://www.classic-literature.co.uk/american-authors/19th-century/abraham-lincoln/the-writings-of-abraham-lincoln-05/ebook-page-05.asp The Writings of Abraham Lincoln V05]'') p. 6-7

* '''Understanding the spirit of our institutions to aim at the elevation of men, I am opposed to whatever tends to degrade them.'''
** Letter to Dr. Theodore Canisius (17 May 1859)

* Negro equality! Fudge!! How long, in the government of a God, great enough to make and maintain this Universe, shall there continue to be knaves to vend, and fools to gulp, so low a piece of demagougeism as this?
** Fragments: Notes for Speeches, September 1859, ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) Vol. III; No transcripts or reports exist indicating that he ever actually used this expression in any of his speeches.&lt;!-- p. 399 --&gt;

* We know, Southern men declare that their slaves are better off than hired laborers amongst us. How little they ''know'', whereof they ''speak''! There is no permanent class of hired laborers amongst us. Twentyfive years ago, I was a hired laborer. The hired laborer of yesterday, labors on his own account to-day; and will hire others to labor for him to-morrow. '''Advancement — improvement in condition — is the order of things in a society of equals. As Labor is the common ''burthen'' of our race, so the effort of ''some'' to shift their share of the burthen on to the shoulders of ''others'', is the great, durable, curse of the race. Originally a curse for transgression upon the whole race, when, as by slavery, it is concentrated on a part only, it becomes the double-refined curse of God upon his creatures.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:141?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragmentary manuscript of a speech on free labor (17 September 1859?)]; ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, p. 463

* '''Free labor has the inspiration of hope; pure slavery has no hope. The power of hope upon human exertion, and happiness, is wonderful.''' The slave-master himself has a conception of it; and hence the system of ''tasks'' among slaves. The slave whom you can not drive with the lash to break seventy-five pounds of hemp in a day, if you will task him to break a hundred, and promise him pay for all he does over, he will break you a hundred and fifty. You have substituted ''hope'', for the ''rod''. And yet perhaps it does not occur to you, that to the extent of your gain in the case, you have given up the slave system, and adopted the free system of labor.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:141?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragmentary manuscript of a speech on free labor (17 September 1859?)]; ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, pp. 463–464

* I say that we must not interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists, because the Constitution forbids it, and the general welfare does not require us to do so. We must not withhold an efficient Fugitive Slave law, because the Constitution requires us, as I understand it, not to withhold such a law. But we must prevent the outspreading of the institution, because neither the Constitution nor general welfare requires us to extend it. We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, and the enacting by Congress of a Territorial slave code. We must prevent each of these things being done by either Congresses or courts. '''The people of these [[w:United States|United States]] are the rightful masters of both [[w:United States Congress|Congresses]] and [[w:United States federal courts|courts]], not to overthrow the [[w:United States Constitution|Constitution]], but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.'''
** [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm#2H_4_0043 Speech at Cincinnati, Ohio, September 17, 1859]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, by Abraham Lincoln]&quot; by Project Gutenberg on July 5, 2009

* If I should do so now it occurs that he places himself somewhat upon the ground of the parable of the lost sheep which went astray upon the mountains, and when the owner of the hundred sheep found the one that was lost and threw it upon his shoulders, and came home rejoicing, it was said that there was more rejoicing over the one sheep that was lost and had been found than over the ninety and nine in the fold. The application is made by the Saviour in this parable thus: '''Verily I say unto you, there is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner that repenteth than over ninety and nine just persons that need no repentance''.' Repentance before forgiveness is a provision of the Christian system, and on that condition alone will the Republicans grant his forgiveness.
** Regarding his debate with Judge S. A. Douglas, in his Springfield address (17 July 1858), published in ''The Life, Speeches, and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln: Together with a Sketch of the Life of Hannibal Hamlin: Republican candidates for the offices of President and Vice-President of the United States'' (1860), p. 50&lt;!-- Rudd &amp; Carleton --&gt;
** Lincoln was alluding to the words of [[Jesus]] in [http://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Luke%2015%3A7 Luke 15:7]

*[[Republican Party (United States)|The Republican]] principle, the unalterable principle, never to be lost sight of, is that [[slavery]] is wrong.
**[https://diplomatdc.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/the-libertarian-attack-on-abraham-lincoln-by-gregory-hilton/ Speech] (1859)
 
==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's Peoria speech|Speech at Peoria, Illinois]] (1854) ====
[[File:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln vol 3 p 8.jpg|thumb|No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. ]]
[[File:ArchivesRotunda.jpg|thumb|I insist, that if there is ANY THING which it is the duty of the WHOLE PEOPLE to never entrust to any hands but their own, that thing is the preservation and perpetuity, of their own liberties, and institutions.]]
[[File:Abraham lincoln memorial-london.jpg|thumb|Slavery is founded in the selfishness of man's nature — opposition to it, in his love of justice.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Adolph Alexander Weinman - Kentucky State Capitol - DSC09243.JPG|thumb|Stand with anybody that stands RIGHT. Stand with him while he is right and PART with him when he goes wrong.]]
[[File:EdwardMoran-UnveilingTheStatueofLiberty1886Large.jpg|thumb|Is there no [[danger]] to [[liberty]] itself, in discarding the earliest practice, and first precept of our [[United States Declaration of Independence|ancient faith]]?]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;rgn=div2;view=text;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2:282.1 Speech at Peoria, Illinois, in Reply to Senator Douglas (16 October 1854)]; published in ''The Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1894) Vol. 2 &lt;/small&gt;

* The foregoing history may not be precisely accurate in every particular; but I am sure it is sufficiently so, for all the uses I shall attempt to make of it, and in it, we have before us, the chief material enabling us to correctly judge whether [[w:Kansas–Nebraska Act|the repeal of the Missouri Compromise]] is right or wrong. &lt;br /&gt; I think, and shall try to show, that it is wrong; wrong in its direct effect, letting slavery into Kansas and Nebraska — and wrong in its prospective principle, allowing it to spread to every other part of the wide world, where men can be found inclined to take it. &lt;br /&gt; This ''declared'' indifference, but as I must think, covert ''real'' zeal for '''the spread of slavery, I can not but hate. I hate it because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world — enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites — causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many really good men amongst ourselves into an open war with the very fundamental principles of civil liberty — criticising the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], and insisting that there is no right principle of action but ''self-interest''.'''

* '''When Southern people tell us they are no more responsible for the origin of slavery than we are, I acknowledge the fact.''' When it is said that the institution exists, and that it is very difficult to get rid of it in any satisfactory way, I can understand and appreciate the saying. I surely will not blame them for not doing what I should not know how to do myself. If all earthly power were given me, I should not know what to do as to the existing institution. My first impulse would be to free all the slaves, and send them to Liberia, to their own native land. But a moment's reflection would convince me that whatever of high hope (as I think there is) there may be in this in the long run, its sudden execution is impossible. If they were all landed there in a day, they would all perish in the next ten days; and there are not surplus shipping and surplus money enough to carry them there in many times ten days. What then? Free them all, and keep them among us as underlings? Is it quite certain that this betters their condition? I think I would not hold one in slavery at any rate, yet the point is not clear enough for me to denounce people upon. What next? Free them, and make them politically and socially our equals. My own feelings will not admit of this, and if mine would, we well know that those of the great mass of whites will not. Whether this feeling accords with justice and sound judgment is not the sole question, if indeed it is any part of it. A universal feeling, whether well or ill founded, cannot be safely disregarded. We cannot then make them equals. It does seem to me that systems of gradual emancipation might be adopted, but for their tardiness in this I will not undertake to judge our brethren of the South.

* Wherever slavery is, it has been first introduced without law. The oldest laws we find concerning it, are not laws introducing it; but ''regulating'' it, as an already existing thing.

* The negative principle that ''no'' law is free law, is not much known except among lawyers.

* &quot;[[An Essay on Criticism|Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.]]&quot; At the hazard of being thought one of the fools of this quotation, I meet that argument — I rush in — I take that bull by the horns. I trust I understand and truly estimate the right of self-government. My faith in the proposition that each man should do precisely as he pleases with all which is exclusively his own lies at the foundation of the sense of justice there is in me. I extend the principle to communities of men as well as to individuals. I so extend it because it is politically wise, as well as naturally just: politically wise in saving us from broils about matters which do not concern us. Here, or at [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], I would not trouble myself with the oyster laws of [[Virginia]], or the cranberry laws of [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]. The doctrine of self-government is right, — absolutely and eternally right, — but it has no just application as here attempted. Or perhaps I should rather say that whether it has such application depends upon whether a negro is ''not'' or ''is'' a man. If he is ''not'' a man, in that case he who is a man may as a matter of self-government do just what he pleases with him. &lt;br /&gt; But if the negro ''is'' a man, is it not to that extent a total destruction of self-government to say that he too shall not govern ''himself''. '''When the white man governs himself, that is self-government; but when he governs himself and also governs ''another'' man, that is ''more'' than self-government — that is [[Tyranny|despotism]]. If the negro is a ''man'', why then my ancient faith teaches me that &quot;[[United States Declaration of Independence|all men are created equal]],&quot; and that there can be no moral right in connection with one man's making a slave of another.'''

* Judge Douglas frequently, with bitter irony and sarcasm, paraphrases our argument by saying: &quot;The [[white people]] of Nebraska are good enough to govern themselves, ''but they are not good enough to govern a few miserable [[Black people|negroes]]''!&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Well! I doubt not that the people of Nebraska are and will continue to be as good as the average of people elsewhere. I do not say the contrary. What I do say is that '''no man is good enough to govern another man ''without that other's consent.''''' I say '''this is the leading principle, the sheet-anchor of American republicanism.''' Our [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] says: &quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, ''deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; I have quoted so much at this time merely to show that, according to our ancient faith, '''the just powers of governments are derived from the consent of the governed.''' Now the relation of master and slave is ''pro tanto'' a total violation of this principle. '''The master not only governs the slave without his consent, but he governs him by a set of rules altogether different from those which he prescribes for himself. Allow ALL the governed an equal voice in the government, and that, and that only, is self-government.'''

* '''I insist, that if there is ANY THING which it is the duty of the WHOLE PEOPLE to never entrust to any hands but their own, that thing is the preservation and perpetuity, of their own liberties, and institutions.'''

* '''[[Slavery in the United States|Slavery]] is founded in the selfishness of man's [[nature]] — opposition to it, in his love of [[justice]].''' These principles are an eternal antagonism; and when brought into collision so fiercely, as slavery extension brings them, shocks, and throes, and convulsions must ceaselessly follow. '''Repeal the [[w:Missouri Compromise|Missouri Compromise]] — repeal all compromises — repeal the Declaration of Independence — repeal all past history, you still can not repeal human nature. It still will be the abundance of man's heart, that slavery extension is wrong; and out of the abundance of his heart, his mouth will continue to speak.'''

* '''Stand with anybody that stands RIGHT. Stand with him while he is right and PART with him when he goes wrong.'''

* '''Little by little, but steadily as man's march to the grave, we have been giving up the OLD for the NEW faith. Near eighty years ago we began by declaring that all men are created equal; but now from that beginning we have run down to the other declaration, that for SOME men to enslave OTHERS is a “sacred right of self-government.” These principles can not stand together. They are as opposite as [[God]] and [[w:Mammon|mammon]]; and whoever holds to the one, must despise the other.''' [...] Let no one be deceived. The [[United States Declaration of Independence|spirit of seventy-six]] and [[w:Kansas–Nebraska Act|the spirit of Nebraska]], are utter antagonisms; and the former is being rapidly displaced by the latter.

* Already the liberal party throughout the world, express the apprehension “[https://web.archive.org/web/20201026194337/https://mcdaniel.blogs.rice.edu/?p=126 that the one retrograde institution in America, is undermining the principles of progress, and fatally violating the noblest political system the world ever saw.]” This is not the taunt of enemies, but the warning of friends. Is it quite safe to disregard it — to despise it? '''Is there no danger to liberty itself, in discarding the earliest practice, and first precept of our [[United States Declaration of Independence|ancient faith]]?''' In our greedy chase to make profit of the negro, let us beware, lest we “cancel and tear to pieces” even the white man's charter of freedom.

* Our republican robe is soiled, and trailed in the dust. Let us repurify it. Let us turn and wash it white, in the spirit, if not the blood, of the [[American Revolution|Revolution]]. Let us turn slavery from its claims of “moral right,” back upon its existing legal rights, and its arguments of 'necessity'. Let us return it to the position our fathers gave it; and there let it rest in peace. Let us re-adopt the Declaration of Independence, and with it, the practices, and policy, which harmonize with it. '''Let north and south — let all Americans — let all lovers of liberty everywhere — join in the great and good work. If we do this, we shall not only have saved the Union; but we shall have so saved it, as to make, and to keep it, forever worthy of the saving. We shall have so saved it, that the succeeding millions of free happy people, the world over, shall rise up, and call us blessed, to the latest generations.'''

* In the course of my main argument, [[Stephen A. Douglas|Judge Douglas]] interrupted me to say, that the principle the Nebraska bill was very old; that it originated when '''God made man and placed good and evil before him, allowing him to choose for himself, being responsible for the choice he should make.''' At the time I thought this was merely playful; and I answered it accordingly. But in his reply to me he renewed it, as a serious argument. In seriousness then, the facts of this proposition are not true as stated. '''God did not place good and evil before man, telling him to make his choice. On the contrary, he did tell him there was one tree, of the fruit of which, he should not eat, upon pain of certain death.'''

====Letter to Joshua F. Speed (1855)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/speed.htm Letter to Joshua F. Speed (24 August 1855).]&lt;/small&gt;
*You know what a poor correspondent I am. Ever since I received your very agreeable letter of the 22nd. of May I have been intending to write you in answer to it. You suggest that in political action now, you and I would differ. I suppose we would; not quite as much, however, as you may think. You know I dislike slavery; and you fully admit the abstract wrong of it. So far there is no cause of difference. But you say that sooner than yield your legal right to the slave — especially at the bidding of those who are not themselves interested, you would see the Union dissolved. I am not aware that any one is bidding you to yield that right; very certainly I am not. I leave that matter entirely to yourself. I also acknowledge your rights and my obligations, under the constitution, in regard to your slaves. I confess I hate to see the poor creatures hunted down, and caught, and carried back to their stripes, and unrewarded toils; but I bite my lip and keep quiet. In 1841 you and I had together a tedious low-water trip, on a Steam Boat from [[w:Louisville, Kentucky|Louisville]] to [[St. Louis]]. You may remember, as I well do, that from Louisville to the mouth of the Ohio, there were, on board, ten or a dozen slaves, shackled together with irons. That sight was a continued torment to me; and I see something like it every time I touch the Ohio, or any other slave-border. It is hardly fair for you to assume, that I have no interest in a thing which has, and continually exercises, the power of making me miserable. You ought rather to appreciate how much the great body of the Northern people do crucify their feelings, in order to maintain their loyalty to the Constitution and the Union.

*I do oppose the extension of slavery, because my judgment and feelings so prompt me; and I am under no obligation to the contrary. If for this you and I must differ, differ we must. You say if you were President, you would send an army and hang the leaders of the Missouri outrages upon the Kansas elections; still, if Kansas fairly votes herself a slave state, she must be admitted, or the Union must be dissolved. But how if she votes herself a slave State unfairly — that is, by the very means for which you say you would hang men? Must she still be admitted, or the Union be dissolved? That will be the phase of the question when it first becomes a practical one. In your assumption that there may be a fair decision of the slavery question in Kansas, I plainly see you and I would differ about the Nebraska-law. I look upon that enactment not as a law, but as violence from the beginning. It was conceived in violence, passed in violence, is maintained in violence, and is being executed in violence. I say it was conceived in violence, because the destruction of the Missouri Compromise, under the circumstances, was nothing less than violence. It was passed in violence, because it could not have passed at all but for the votes of many members in violence of the known will of their constituents. It is maintained in violence because the elections since, clearly demand it's repeal, and this demand is openly disregarded. You say men ought to be hung for the way they are executing that law; and I say the way it is being executed is quite as good as any of its antecedents. It is being executed in the precise way which was intended from the first; else why does no Nebraska man express astonishment or condemnation? Poor Reeder is the only public man who has been silly enough to believe that any thing like fairness was ever intended; and he has been bravely undeceived.

* '''You enquire where I now stand. That is a disputed point.''' I think I am a whig; but others say there are no whigs, and that I am an abolitionist. When I was at Washington I voted for the [[w:Wilmot Proviso|Wilmot Proviso]] as good as forty times, and I never heard of any one attempting to unwhig me for that. I now do more than oppose the ''extension'' of slavery. &lt;br /&gt; I am not a [[w:Know Nothing|Know-Nothing]]. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. '''As a nation, we began by declaring that'' &quot;all men are created equal.&quot; ''We now practically read it &quot;all men are created equal, ''except negroes.&quot;'' When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read &quot;all men are created equal, except negroes, ''and foreigners, and [[Catholic Church|catholics]].&quot;'' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty — to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be take pure, and without the base alloy of hypocracy''' [sic].
** Letter to longtime friend and slave-holder Joshua F. Speed (24 August 1855)

==== Speech on the Dred Scott Decision (1857) ====
[[File:The Library of Congress - (Abraham Lincoln, candidate for U.S. president. Head-and-shoulders portrait, facing right, June 3, 1860) (LOC).jpg|thumb|We believe … in obedience to, and respect for the judicial department of government. We think its decisions on Constitutional questions, when fully settled, should control, not only the particular cases decided, but the general policy of the country, subject to be disturbed only by amendments of the Constitution as provided in that instrument itself. More than this would be revolution.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20020908182323/http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=52 Speech at Springfield, Illinois on June 26, 1857.]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Washington Constitutional Convention 1787.jpg|thumb|In those days, our ''Declaration of Independence'' was held sacred by all, and thought to include all; but now, to aid in making the bondage of the negro universal and eternal, it is assailed, and sneered at, and construed, and hawked at, and torn, till, if its framers could rise from their graves, they could not at all recognize it.]]
[[File:Harriet Tubman c1868-69.jpg|thumb| In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of all others.]]
[[File:Birthplace of the US Republican Party 2.jpg|thumb|The Republicans inculcate, with whatever of ability they can, that the negro is a man; that his bondage is cruelly wrong, and that the field of his oppression ought not to be enlarged...]]
[[File:ConfederateCabinet.jpg|thumb|[[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democrats]] deny [[w:African American|his]] manhood; deny, or dwarf to insignificance, the wrong of his bondage; so far as possible, crush all sympathy for him, and cultivate and excite hatred and disgust against [[w:African American|him]].]]

* '''We believe … in obedience to, and respect for the judicial department of government. We think its decisions on Constitutional questions, when fully settled, should control, not only the particular cases decided, but the general policy of the country, subject to be disturbed only by amendments of the Constitution as provided in that instrument itself. More than this would be revolution.''' But we think the [[w:Dred Scott v. Sandford|Dred Scott decision]] is erroneous. … If this important decision had been made by the unanimous concurrence of the [[judges]], and without any apparent partisan bias, and in accordance with legal public expectation, and with the steady practice of the departments throughout our history, and had been in no part, based on assumed historical facts which are not really true; or, if wanting in some of these, it had been before the court more than once, and had there been affirmed and re-affirmed through a course of years, it then might be, perhaps would be, factious, nay, even revolutionary, to not acquiesce in it as a precedent.

* '''[[w:Roger Taney|Chief Justice]] does not directly assert, but plainly assumes, as a fact, that the public estimate of the black man is more favorable now than it was in the days of the Revolution. This assumption is a mistake'''. In some trifling particulars, the condition of that race has been ameliorated; but, as a whole, in this country, the change between then and now is decidedly the other way; and their ultimate destiny has never appeared so hopeless as in the last three or four years. '''In two of the five states — [[New Jersey]] and [[North Carolina]] — that then gave the free negro the right of voting, the right has since been taken away'''; and in a third — New York — it has been greatly abridged; while it has not been extended, so far as I know, to a single additional state, though the number of the States has more than doubled.

* '''In those days, as I understand, masters could, at their own pleasure, emancipate their slaves; but since then, such legal restraints have been made upon emancipation, as to amount almost to prohibition.''' In those days, Legislatures held the unquestioned power to abolish slavery in their respective States; but now it is becoming quite fashionable for [[w:State constitution (United States)|State Constitutions]] to withhold that power from the Legislatures. In those days, by common consent, the spread of the black man's bondage to new countries was prohibited; but now, Congress decides that it will not continue the prohibition, and the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] decides that it could not if it would. '''In those days, our ''Declaration of Independence'' was held sacred by all, and thought to include all; but now, to aid in making the bondage of the negro universal and eternal, it is assailed, and sneered at, and construed, and hawked at, and torn, till, if its framers could rise from their graves, they could not at all recognize it'''. All the powers of earth seem rapidly combining against him. [[Mammon]] is after him; ambition follows, and philosophy follows, and the Theology of the day is fast joining the cry. They have him in his prison house; they have searched his person, and left no prying instrument with him. '''One after another they have closed the heavy iron doors upon him, and now they have him, as it were, bolted in with a lock of a hundred keys, which can never be unlocked without the concurrence of every key; the keys in the hands of a hundred different men, and they scattered to a hundred different and distant places; and they stand musing as to what invention, in all the dominions of mind and matter, can be produced to make the impossibility of his escape more complete than it is. It is grossly incorrect to say or assume, that the public estimate of the negro is more favorable now than it was at the origin of the government.'''

* There is a natural disgust in the minds of nearly all white people, to the idea of an indiscriminate amalgamation of the white and black races; and Judge Douglas evidently is basing his chief hope, upon the chances of being able to appropriate the benefit of this disgust to himself. If he can, by much drumming and repeating, fasten the odium of that idea upon his adversaries, he thinks he can struggle through the storm. He therefore clings to this hope, as a drowning man to the last plank. He makes an occasion for lugging it in from the opposition to the ''Dred Scott'' decision. He finds the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] insisting that the Declaration of Independence includes ALL men, black as well as white; and forth-with he boldly denies that it includes negroes at all, and proceeds to argue gravely that all who contend it does, do so only because they want to vote, and eat, and sleep, and marry with negroes! He will have it that they cannot be consistent else. Now I protest against that counterfeit logic which concludes that, because I do not want '''a black woman''' for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. I need not have her for either, I can just leave her alone. '''In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of ''all'' others'''.

* '''I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not intend to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all were equal in color, size, intellect, moral developments, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness, in what respects they did consider all men created equal; equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this meant. They did not mean to assert the obvious untruth, that all were then actually enjoying that equality, nor yet, that they were about to confer it immediately upon them. In fact they had no power to confer such a boon. They meant simply to declare the right, so that the enforcement of it might follow as fast as circumstances should permit. They meant to set up a standard maxim for free society, which should be familiar to all, and revered by all; constantly looked to, constantly labored for, and even though never perfectly attained, constantly approximated, and thereby constantly spreading and deepening its influence, and augmenting the happiness and value of life to all people of all [[Race|colors]] everywhere. The assertion that &quot;all men are created equal&quot;''' was of no practical use in effecting our separation from [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]]; and it '''was placed in the Declaration''', nor for that, but '''for future use. Its authors meant it to be''', thank God, it is now proving itself, '''a stumbling block to those who in after times might seek to turn a free people back into the hateful paths of despotism. They knew the proneness of prosperity to breed tyrants, and they meant when such should re-appear in this fair land and commence their vocation they should find left for them at least one hard nut to crack.''' I have now briefly expressed my view of the '''meaning and objects of that part of the Declaration of Independence which declares that &quot;all men are created equal&quot;.'''

* '''Will springs from the two elements of moral sense and self-interest.'''

* The Republicans inculcate, with whatever of ability they can, that the negro is a man; that his bondage is cruelly wrong, and that the field of his oppression ought not to be enlarged. The Democrats deny his manhood; deny, or dwarf to insignificance, the wrong of his bondage; so far as possible, crush all sympathy for him, and cultivate and excite hatred and disgust against him; compliment themselves as Union-savers for doing so; and call the indefinite outspreading of his bondage &quot;a sacred right of self-government&quot;.

==== [[w:Lincoln's House Divided Speech|The House Divided speech]] (1858) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_4/A_House_Divided_Against_Itself_Cannot_Stand|Speech at the Republican State Convention, Springfield, Illinois, accepting the Republican nomination for US Senate]] (16 June 1858)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Page8-Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln, v4.jpg|thumb|A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this government cannot endure, permanently half slave and half free.]]
[[File:Declaration_independence.jpg|thumb|I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot;]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln (head).png|thumb|Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through … Wise counsels may accelerate, or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.]]

* '''If we could first know where we are, and whither we are tending, we could then better judge what to do, and how to do it.''' We are now far into the fifth year, since a policy was initiated, with the avowed object, and confident promise, of putting an end to slavery agitation. Under the operation of that policy, that agitation has not only, not ceased, but has constantly augmented. In my opinion, it will not cease, until a crisis shall have been reached, and passed.

* '''&quot;A house divided against itself cannot stand.&quot; I believe this government cannot endure, permanently half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other.'''
** In this famous statement, Lincoln is quoting the response of [[Jesus|Jesus Christ]] to those who accused him of being able to cast out devils because he was empowered by the Prince of devils, recorded in [[s:Bible (King James)/Matthew#12:25|Matthew 12:25]]: &quot;And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand&quot;.

* Either the opponents of slavery, will arrest the further spread of it, and place it where the public mind shall rest in the belief that it is in the course of ultimate extinction; or its advocates will push it forward, till it shall become alike lawful in all the States, old as well as new — North as well as South. &lt;br /&gt; Have we no tendency to the latter condition? &lt;br /&gt; Let any one who doubts, carefully contemplate that now almost complete legal combination — piece of machinery so to speak — compounded of the [[w:Kansas-Nebraska Act|Nebraska doctrine]], and the [[w:Dred Scott v. Sandford|Dred Scott decision]].

* The new year of 1854 found slavery excluded from more than half the States by State constitutions, and from most of the national territory by congressional prohibition. Four days later commenced the struggle which ended in repealing that congressional prohibition. This opened all the national territory to slavery, and was the first point gained. But, so far, Congress only had acted; and an indorsement by the people, real or apparent, was indispensable to save the point already gained and give chance for more. This necessity had not been overlooked; but had been provided for, as well as might be, in the notable argument of '''&quot;squatter sovereignty,&quot; otherwise called &quot;sacred right of self government,&quot; which''' latter '''phrase''', though expressive of the only rightful basis of any government, was so perverted in this attempted use of it as to amount to just this: '''That if any one man, choose to enslave another, no third man shall be allowed to object.'''

* Under the Dred Scott decision, &quot;squatter sovereignty&quot; squatted out of existence, tumbled down like temporary scaffolding — like the mould at the foundry served through one blast and fell back into loose sand — helped to carry an election, and then was kicked to the winds.

* The several points of the Dred Scott decision, in connection with Senator Douglas's &quot;care-not&quot; policy, constitute the piece of machinery, in its present state of advancement. This was the third point gained. The working points of that machinery are: (1) That no negro slave, imported as such from Africa, and no descendant of such slave, can ever be a citizen of any State, in the sense of that term as used in the Constitution of the United States. This point is made in order to deprive the negro in every possible event of the benefit of that provision of the United States Constitution which declares that &quot;the citizens of each State shall be entitled to all the privileges and immunities of citizens in the several States.&quot; (2) That, &quot;subject to the Constitution of the United States,&quot; neither Congress nor a territorial legislature can exclude slavery from any United States Territory. This point is made in order that individual men may fill up the Territories with slaves, without danger of losing them as property, and thus enhance the chances of permanency to the institution through all the future. (3) That whether the holding a negro in actual slavery in a free State makes him free as against the holder, the United States courts will not decide, but will leave to be decided by the courts of any slave State the negro may be forced into by the master. This point is made not to be pressed immediately, but, if acquiesced in for a while, and apparently indorsed by the people at an election, then to sustain the logical conclusion that what Dred Scott's master might lawfully do with Dred Scott in the free State of Illinois, every other master may lawfully do with any other one or one thousand slaves in Illinois or in any other free State.

* Auxiliary to all this, and working hand in hand with it, the Nebraska doctrine, or what is left of it, is to educate and mold public opinion, at least Northern public opinion, not to care whether slavery is voted down or voted up. This shows exactly where we now are; and partially, also, whither we are tending. &lt;br /&gt; It will throw additional light on the latter, to go back, and run the mind over the string of historical facts already stated. Several things will now appear less dark and mysterious than they did when they were transpiring. The people were to be left &quot;perfectly free,&quot; subject only to the Constitution. What the Constitution had to do with it, outsiders could not then see. Plainly enough now, it was an exactly fitted niche, for the Dred Scott decision to afterward come in, and declare the perfect free freedom of the people to be just no freedom at all. Why was the amendment, expressly declaring the right of the people, voted down? Plainly enough now: the adoption of it would have spoiled the niche for the Dred Scott decision.

* We cannot absolutely know that all these exact adaptations are the result of preconcert. But when we see a lot of framed timbers, different portions of which we know have been gotten out at different times and places, and by different workmen — [[Stephen A. Douglas|Stephen]], [[Franklin Pierce|Franklin]], [[w:Roger B. Taney|Roger]], and [[James Buchanan|James]], for instance — and when we see these timbers joined together, and see they exactly matte the frame of a house or a mill, all the tenons and mortices exactly fitting, and all the lengths and proportions of the different pieces exactly adapted to their respective places, and not a piece too many or too few, — not omitting even scaffolding — or, if a single piece be lacking, we see the place in the frame exactly fitted and prepared yet to bring such piece in — in such a case we find it impossible not to believe that Stephen and Franklin and Roger and James all understood one another from the beginning and all worked upon a common plan or draft drawn up before the first blow was struck.

* While the opinion of the court, by Chief-Justice Taney, in the Dred Scott case and the separate opinions of all the concurring judges, expressly declare that the Constitution of the United States neither permits Congress nor a Territorial legislature to exclude slavery from any United States Territory, they all omit to declare whether or not the same Constitution permits a State, or the people of a State, to exclude it.

* Such a decision is all that slavery now lacks of being alike lawful in all the States. Welcome, or unwelcome, such decision is probably coming, and will soon be upon us, unless the power of the present political dynasty shall be met and overthrown. '''We shall lie down pleasantly dreaming that the people of Missouri are on the verge of making their State free, and we shall awake to the reality instead, that the Supreme Court has made Illinois a slave State.''' To meet and overthrow the power of that dynasty is the work now before all those who would prevent that consummation. This is what we have to do. How can we best do it?

* There are those who denounce us openly to their own friends and yet whisper us softly, that Senator Douglas is the aptest instrument there is with which to effect that object. They wish us to infer all this from the fact that he now has a little quarrel with the present head of the dynasty; and that he has regularly voted with us on a single point upon which he and we have never differed. '''They remind us that he is a great man, and that the largest of us are very small ones. Let this be granted. But &quot;a living dog is better than a dead lion.&quot; Judge Douglas, if not a dead lion, for this work, is at least a caged and toothless one.''' How can he oppose the advances of slavery? He does not care anything about it. His avowed mission is impressing the &quot;public heart&quot; to care nothing about it. A leading Douglas Democratic newspaper thinks Douglas's superior talent will be needed to resist the revival of the African slave-trade. Does Douglas believe an effort to revive that trade is approaching? He has not said so. Does he really think so? But if it is, how can he resist it? For years he has labored to prove it a sacred right of white men to take negro slaves into the new Territories. Can he possibly show that it is less a sacred right to buy them where they can be bought cheapest? And unquestionably they can be bought cheaper in Africa than in Virginia. He has done all in his power to reduce the whole question of slavery to one of a mere right of property; and as such, how can he oppose the foreign slave trade — how can he refuse that trade in that &quot;property&quot; shall be &quot;perfectly free&quot; — unless he does it as a protection to the home production? And as the home producers will probably not ask the protection, he will be wholly without a ground of opposition.

* Senator Douglas holds, we know, that a man may rightfully be wiser today than he was yesterday — that he may rightfully change when he finds himself wrong. But can we, for that reason, run ahead, and infer that he will make any particular change, of which he, himself, has given no intimation?

* Now, as ever, I wish not to misrepresent Judge Douglas's position, question his motives, or do aught that can be personally offensive to him. '''Whenever, if ever, he and we can come together on principle so that our cause may have assistance from his great ability, I hope to have interposed no adventitious obstacle. But clearly, he is not now with us — he does not pretend to be — he does not promise ever to be. Our cause, then, must be intrusted to, and conducted by, its own undoubted friends — those whose hands are free, whose hearts are in the work — who do care for the result.'''

* '''Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through, under the constant hot fire of a disciplined, proud, and pampered enemy.''' Did we brave all them to falter now? — now, when that same enemy is wavering, dissevered, and belligerent? The result is not doubtful. '''We shall not fail — if we stand firm, we shall not fail. Wise counsels may accelerate, or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.'''

====Speech at Chicago (1858)====
[[File:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln vol 3 p 8.jpg|thumb|Each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights.]]
[[File:EdwardMoran-UnveilingTheStatueofLiberty1886Large.jpg|thumb|When they look through that old Declaration of Independence they find that those old men say that 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]], and so they are. That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:526?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=Let+us+discard+all+this+quibbling Address to Chicagoan abolitionists (10 July 1858); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 501].ee also: Abraham Lincoln (July 10, 1858): ''Speech at Chicago, Illinois''. Published by Teaching American History. [https://web.archive.org/web/20210411130540/https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/speech-at-chicago-illinois/ Archived] from the [https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/speech-at-chicago-illinois/ original] on April 11, 2021.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I have always hated slavery, I think as much as any [[Abolitionism|Abolitionist]].'''

* '''I believe each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights''', that '''each community, as a State, has a right to do exactly as it pleases with all the concerns within that State that interfere with the right of no other State, and that the general government, upon principle, has no right to interfere with anything other than that general class of things that does concern the whole.'''

* '''It is better''', then, '''to save the work while it is begun.''' You have done the labor; maintain it—keep it. '''If men choose to serve you, go with them; but as you have made up your organization upon principle, stand by it; for, as surely as God reigns over you, and has inspired your mind, and given you a sense of propriety and continues to give you hope, so surely you will still cling to these ideas, and you will at last come back again after your wanderings, merely to do your work over again.''' 

*[[United States|We]] are now a mighty [[Countries|nation]], we are thirty — or about thirty millions of people, and we own and inhabit about one‑fifteenth part of the dry land of the whole earth. We run our memory back over the pages of history for about eighty‑two years and we discover that we were then a very small people in point of numbers, vastly inferior to what we are now, with a vastly less extent of country, with vastly less of everything we deem desirable among men, we look upon the change as exceedingly advantageous to us and to our posterity, and we fix upon something that happened away back, as in some way or other being connected with this rise of prosperity. We find a race of men living in that day whom we claim as our fathers and grandfathers; they were iron men, they fought for the principle that they were contending for; and we understood that by what they then did it has followed that the degree of prosperity that we now enjoy has come to us. We hold this annual celebration to remind ourselves of all the good done in this process of time of how it was done and who did it, and how we are historically connected with it; and we go from these meetings in better humor with ourselves — we feel more attached the one to the other, and more firmly bound to the country we inhabit. In every way we are better men in the age, and race, and country in which we live for these celebrations. But after we have done all this we have not yet reached the whole.

*There is something else connected with it. We have besides these men — descended by blood from our ancestors — among us perhaps half our people who are not descendants at all of these men, they are men who have come from Europe — [[Germans|German]], [[Irish people|Irish]], [[French people|French]] and [[w:Scandinavian people|Scandinavian]] — men that have come from Europe themselves, or whose ancestors have come hither and settled here, finding themselves our equals in all things. '''If they look back through this history to trace their connection with those days by blood, they find they have none, they cannot carry themselves back into that glorious epoch and make themselves feel that they are part of us, but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence they find that those old men say that 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]], and so they are. That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.'''

*'''I should like to know if taking this old ''Declaration of Independence'', which declares that all men are equal upon principle and making exceptions to it where will it stop. If one man says it does not mean a negro, why not another say it does not mean some other man? If [[United States Declaration of Independence|that declaration]] is not the truth, let us get the Statute book, in which we find it and tear it out! Who is so bold as to do it! If it is not true let us tear it out! Let us stick to it then, let us stand firmly by it then.'''

*It may be argued that there are certain conditions that make necessities and impose them upon us, and to the extent that a necessity is imposed upon a man he must submit to it. I think that was the condition in which we found ourselves when we established this government. We had slavery among us, we could not get our constitution unless we permitted them to remain in slavery, we could not secure the good we did secure if we grasped for more, and having by necessity submitted to that much, it does not destroy the principle that is the charter of our liberties. Let that charter stand as our standard.

* It is said in one of the admonitions of the Lord, “As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.” The Savior, I suppose, did not expect that any human creature could be perfect as the Father in Heaven; but He said, “As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.” He set that up as a standard, and he who did most towards reaching that standard, attained the highest degree of moral perfection. So I say in relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. '''If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature. Let us then turn this government back into the channel in which the framers of the Constitution originally placed it.et us stand firmly by each other. If we do not do so we are turning in the contrary direction''', that our friend Judge Douglas proposes—not intentionally—as working in the traces tend to make this one universal slave nation.

* '''Let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man, this race and that race and the other race being inferior and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.'''

* '''I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.'''

==== [[w:Lincoln–Douglas debates of 1858|Lincoln–Douglas debates]] (1858) ====
[[File: Benkos_Bioho.jpg|thumb|In relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature.]]
[[File:Ottawa IL Washington Park Lincoln-Douglas Statues2.jpg|thumb|I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.]]
[[File:Freeport Il Debate Square3.JPG|thumb|With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it nothing can succeed. Consequently he who moulds public sentiment, goes deeper than he who enacts statutes or pronounces decisions.]]
[[File:Writing the Declaration of Independence 1776 cph.3g09904.jpg|thumb|I think the authors of that [[United States Declaration of Independence|notable instrument]] intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this they meant.]]
[[File:Lincoln debating douglas.jpg|thumb|Let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man; this race and that race and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position; discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Byers, 1858 - crop.jpg|thumb|I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything. I do not understand that because I do not want a negro woman for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. My understanding is that I can just let her alone.]]
[[File:Abrahamlincoln.jpg|thumb|The entire records of the world, from the date of [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']] up to within three years ago, may be searched in vain for one single affirmation, from one single man, that the negro was not included in [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']]; I think I may defy Judge Douglas to show that he ever said so, that [[George Washington|Washington]] ever said so, that any President ever said so, that any member of Congress ever said so, or that any living man upon the whole earth ever said so, until the necessities of the present policy of [[Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], in regard to [[slavery]], had to invent that affirmation.]]

* Now, it happens that we meet together once every year, sometimes about the fourth of July, for some reason or other. These [[Independence Day (United States)|fourth of July]] gatherings I suppose have their uses. … We are now a mighty nation; we are thirty, or about thirty, millions of people, and we own and inhabit about one-fifteenth part of the dry land of the whole earth. We run our memory back over the pages of history for about eighty-two years, and we discover that we were then a very small people in point of numbers, vastly inferior to what we are now, with a vastly less extent of country, with vastly less of everything we deem desirable among men; we look upon the change as exceedingly advantageous to us and to our posterity, and we fix upon something that happened away back, as in some way or other being connected with this rise of prosperity. '''We find a race of men living in that day whom we claim as our fathers and grandfathers; they were iron men; they fought for the principle that they were contending for; and we understood that by what they then did it has followed that the degree of prosperity which we now enjoy has come to us.''' We hold this annual celebration to remind ourselves of all the good done in this process of time, of how it was done and who did it, and how we are historically connected with it; and we go from these meetings in better humor with ourselves, we feel more attached the one to the other, and more firmly bound to the country we inhabit. In every way we are better men in the age, and race, and country in which we live, for these celebrations. But after we have done all this we have not yet reached the whole. There is something else connected with it. We have besides these, men descended by blood from our ancestors — among us, perhaps half our people, who are not descendants at all of these men; they are men who have come from Europe — German, Irish, French and Scandinavian — men that have come from Europe themselves, or whose ancestors have come hither and settled here, finding themselves our equals in all things. If they look back through this history to trace their connection with those days by blood, they find they have none, they cannot carry themselves back into that glorious epoch and make themselves feel that they are part of us, but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence, they find that those old men say that &quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal&quot; and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh, of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]]; and so they are. '''That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.'''
** Speech in Reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* Those arguments that are made, '''that the inferior race are to be treated with as much allowance as they are capable of enjoying'''; that as much is to be done for them as their condition will allow. What are these arguments? They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. '''You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. That is their argument, and this argument of the Judge is the same old serpent that says you work and I eat, you toil and I will enjoy the fruits of it.''' Turn in whatever way you will, whether it come from the mouth of a King, an excuse for enslaving the people of this country, or from the mouth of men of one race as a reason for enslaving the men of another race, it is all the same old serpent, and I hold if that course of argumentation that is made for the purpose of convincing the public mind that we should not care about this, should be granted, it does not stop with the negro. '''I should like to know if, taking this old Declaration of Independence, which declares that all men are equal upon principle, and making exceptions to it, where will it stop? If one man says it does not mean a negro, why not another say it does not mean some other man? If that [[w:All men are created equal|declaration]] is not the truth, let us get the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Statute book, in which we find it]], and tear it out! Who is so bold as to do it? If it is not true let us tear it out!''' [Cries of &quot;No, No.&quot;] Let us stick to it, then; let us stand firmly by it, then. It may be argued that there are certain conditions that make necessities and impose them upon us, and to the extent that a necessity is imposed upon a man, he must submit to it. I think that was the condition in which we found ourselves when we established this Government. We had slavery among us, we could not get our Constitution unless we permitted them to remain in slavery, we could not secure the good we did secure if we grasped for more; and having by necessity submitted to that much, it does not destroy the principle that is the charter of our liberties. Let that charter stand as our standard.
** Speech in reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* My friend has said to me that I am a poor hand to quote Scripture. I will try it again, however. It is said in one of the admonitions of [[Jesus|our Lord]], &quot;As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.&quot; The Saviour, I suppose, did not expect that any human creature could be perfect as the Father in Heaven; but He said, &quot;As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.&quot; He set that up as a standard; and he who did most toward reaching that standard, attained the highest degree of moral perfection. '''So I say in relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature.''' Let us then turn this Government back into the channel in which the framers of the Constitution originally placed it. Let us stand firmly by each other. If we do not do so we are turning in the contrary direction, that our friend Judge Douglas proposes — not intentionally — as working in the traces tend to make this one universal slave nation. He is one that runs in that direction, and as such I resist him. My friends, I have detained you about as long as I desired to do, and I have only to say, '''let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man; this race and that race and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position; discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.''' My friends, I could not, without launching off upon some new topic, which would detain you too long, continue to-night. I thank you for this most extensive audience that you have furnished me to-night. '''I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.'''
** Speech in reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* '''I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the states where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so.'''
** First Debate with [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858). Lincoln later quoted himself and [[Abraham Lincoln#First_Inaugural_Address_(1861)|repeated this statement in his first Inaugural Address (4 March 1861)]] to emphasize that any acts of secession were over-reactions to his election. During the war which followed his election he eventually declared the [[Emancipation Proclamation]], freeing the slaves in those states in rebellion against the union, arguably as a war measure rather than as an entirely political or moral initiative.

* '''With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it nothing can succeed. Consequently he who moulds public sentiment, goes deeper than he who enacts statutes or pronounces decisions. He makes statutes and decisions possible or impossible to be executed. '''
** First debate with Stephen Douglas Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858)

* While I was at the hotel to-day, an elderly gentleman called upon me to know whether I was really in favor of producing perfect equality between the negroes and white people. While I had not proposed to myself on this occasion to say much on that subject, yet as the question was asked me, I thought I would occupy perhaps five minutes in saying something in regard to it. I will say then that '''I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races, that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality.''' And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion '''I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied every thing. I do not understand that because I do not want a negro woman for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. My understanding is that I can just let her alone. I am now in my fiftieth year, and I certainly never had a black woman for either a slave or a wife. So it seems to me quite possible for us to get along without making either slaves or wives of negroes'''. I will add to this that I have never seen, to my knowledge, a man, woman, or child who was in favor of producing a perfect equality, social and political, between negroes and white men... I have never had the least apprehension that I or my friends would marry negroes if there was no law to keep them from it, but as Judge Douglas and his friends seem to be in great apprehension that they might, if there were no law to keep them from it, I give him the most solemn pledge that I will to the very last stand by the law of this State, which forbids the marrying of white people with negroes.
** Fourth Lincoln-Douglas Debate (Charleston, 18 September 1858)

* The Judge has alluded to the [[United States Declaration of Independence|''Declaration of Independence'']], and insisted that negroes are not included in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]]; and that it is a slander upon the framers of that instrument, to suppose that negroes were meant therein; and he asks you: Is it possible to believe that [[Thomas Jefferson|Mister Jefferson]], who penned the immortal paper, could have supposed himself applying the language of that instrument to the negro race, and yet held a portion of that race in slavery? Would he not at once have freed them? I only have to remark upon this part of the Judge's speech, and that, too, very briefly, for I shall not detain myself, or you, upon that point for any great length of time, that '''I believe the entire records of the world, from the date of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|''Declaration of Independence'']] up to within three years ago, may be searched in vain for one single affirmation, from one single man, that the negro was not included in the Declaration of Independence; I think I may defy [[Stephen A. Douglas|Judge Douglas]] to show that he ever said so, that [[George Washington|Washington]] ever said so, that any President ever said so, that any member of Congress ever said so, or that any living man upon the whole earth ever said so, until the necessities of the present policy of [[Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], in regard to slavery''', had to invent that affirmation. And I will remind Judge Douglas and this audience that while [[Thomas Jefferson|Mister Jefferson]] was the owner of slaves, as undoubtedly he was, in speaking upon this very subject he used the strong language that “he trembled for his country when he remembered that God was just;” and I will offer the highest premium in my power to Judge Douglas if he will show that he, in all his life, ever uttered a sentiment at all akin to that of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]].
**[http://www.bartleby.com/251/pages/page328.html Fifth Lincoln-Douglas Debate] (7 October 1858), regarding [[Stephen A. Douglas]] and [[Democratic Party (United States)|the antebellum Democratic Party]]'s claim that African Americans were exempt from [[Thomas Jefferson]]'s assertion that all men were created equal.

* {{anchor|pigeon-soup}}Has it not got down as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death?
** On popular sovereignty; rejoinder in the Sixth Lincoln-Douglas Debate (13 October 1858); reported in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, p. 279

* Now, I have upon all occasions declared as strongly as Judge Douglas against the disposition to interfere with the existing institution of slavery. You hear me read it from the same speech from which he takes garbled extracts for the purpose of proving upon me a disposition to interfere with the institution of slavery, and establish a perfect social and political equality between negroes and white people. Allow me while upon this subject briefly to present one other extract from a speech of mine, more than a year ago, at Springfield, in discussing this very same question, soon after Judge Douglas took his ground that negroes were not included in the Declaration of Independence: '''I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this they meant.''' They did not mean to assert the obvious untruth that all were then actually enjoying that equality, or yet that they were about to confer it immediately upon them. In fact, they had no power to confer such a boon. They meant simply to declare the right, so that the enforcement of it might follow as fast as circumstances should permit. '''They meant to set up a standard maxim for free society which should be familiar to all, constantly looked to, constantly labored for, and even, though never perfectly attained, constantly approximated, and thereby constantly spreading and deepening its influence, and augmenting the happiness and value of life to all people, of all colors, everywhere'''... That is the real issue. That is the issue that will continue in this country when these poor tongues of Judge Douglas and myself shall be silent. '''It is the eternal struggle between these two principles — right and wrong — throughout the world.''' They are the two principles that have stood face to face from the beginning of time; and will ever continue to struggle. The one is the common right of humanity, and the other the divine right of kings. It is the same principle in whatever shape it develops itself. '''It is the same spirit that says, &quot;You toil and work and earn bread, and I'll eat it.&quot;''' '''No matter in what shape it comes, whether from the mouth of a king who seeks to bestride the people of his own nation and live by the fruit of their labor, or from one race of men as an apology for enslaving another race, it is the same tyrannical principle.'''
** Seventh and Last Joint Debate with Steven Douglas, at Alton, Illinois (15 October 1858)

====Speech at Lewistown, Illinois (1858)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2%3A567 Speech at Lewistown, Illinois (17 August 1858)]&lt;/small&gt;
*The Declaration of Independence was formed by the representatives of American liberty from thirteen States of the confederacy; twelve of which were slaveholding communities. We need not discuss the way or the reason of their becoming slaveholding communities. It is sufficient for our purpose that all of them greatly deplored the evil and that they placed a provision in the Constitution which they supposed would gradually remove the disease by cutting off its source. This was the abolition of the slave trade. So general was conviction, the public determination, to abolish the [[w:African slave trade|African slave trade]], that the provision which I have referred to as being placed in the Constitution, declared that it should not be abolished prior to the year 1808. A constitutional provision was necessary to prevent the people, through Congress, from putting a stop to the traffic immediately at the close of the war. Now, '''if slavery had been a good thing, would the Fathers of the Republic have taken a step calculated to diminish its beneficent influences among themselves, and snatch the boon wholly from their posterity? These communities, by their representatives in old Independence Hall, said to the whole world of men: ''&quot;We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.&quot;'' This was their majestic interpretation of the economy of the Universe. This was their lofty, and wise, and noble understanding of the justice of the Creator to His creatures... Yes, gentlemen, to all His creatures, to the whole great family of man'''. In their enlightened belief, nothing stamped with the Divine image and likeness was sent into the world to be trodden on, and degraded, and imbruted by its fellows. They grasped not only the whole race of man then living, but they reached forward and seized upon the farthest posterity. They erected a beacon to guide their children and their children's children, and the countless myriads who should inhabit the earth in other ages. Wise statesmen as they were, they knew the tendency of prosperity to breed tyrants, and so they established these great self-evident truths, that when in the distant future some man, some faction, some interest, should set up the doctrine that none but rich men, or none but white men, were entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, their posterity might look up again to the Declaration of Independence and take courage to renew the battle which their fathers began, so that truth, and justice, and mercy, and all the humane and Christian virtues might not be extinguished from the land; so that no man would hereafter dare to limit and circumscribe the great principles on which the temple of liberty was being built...

*Now, my countrymen if you have been taught doctrines conflicting with the great landmarks of the ''Declaration of Independence''; if you have listened to suggestions which would take away from its grandeur, and mutilate the fair symmetry of its proportions; if you have been inclined to believe that all men are not created equal in those inalienable rights enumerated by our chart of liberty, let me entreat you to come back. Return to the fountain whose waters spring close by the blood of the Revolution. Think nothing of me, take no thought for the political fate of any man whomsoever; but come back to the truths that are in the Declaration of Independence. You may do anything with me you choose, if you will but heed these sacred principles. You may not only defeat me for the Senate, but you may take me and put me to death. While pretending no indifference to earthly honors, I do claim to be actuated in this contest by something higher than an anxiety for office. I charge you to drop every paltry and insignificant thought for any man's success. It is nothing; I am nothing; Judge Douglas is nothing. But do not destroy that immortal emblem of Humanity; the Declaration of American Independence.

====Letter to Henry L. Pierce (1859)====
:&lt;small&gt;Published in [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:99?rgn=div1;view=fulltext ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953). Vol. 3, p. 374-376]&lt;/small&gt;

* The [[Democracy]] of to-day hold the liberty of one man to be absolutely nothing, when in conflict with another man's right of [[property]]. Republicans, on the contrary, are both for the man and the dollar, but, in case of conflict, the man before the dollar. I remember once being much amused at seeing two partially intoxicated men engaged in a fight with their great-coats on, which fight, after a long and rather harmless contest, ended in each having fought himself out of his own coat, and into that of the other. If the two leading parties of this day are really identical with the two in the days of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] and [[John Adams|Adams]], they have performed the same feat as the two drunken men.
** p. 375

* '''The principles of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] are the definitions and axioms of free society. And yet they are denied and evaded, with no small show of success. One dashingly calls them ”glittering generalities.” Another bluntly calls them “self-evident lies.” And others insidiously argue that they apply to “superior races.” '''These expressions, different in form, are identical in object and effect — the supplanting the principles of free government, and restoring those of classification, caste and legitimacy. They would delight a convocation of crowned heads plotting against the people. They are the vanguard, the miner and sappers, of returning despotism. We must repulse them, or they will subjugate us.'''
** p. 376

* '''This is a world of compensation; and he would be no slave must consent to have no slaves. Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.'''
** p. 377

==== Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society (1859) ====
:&lt;small&gt;An address given before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society, in Milwaukee, on (30 September 1859) • [[s:Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society|Full text online at Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-116 by Gardner, 1865.png|thumb|Some of you will be successful, and such will need but little philosophy to take them home in cheerful spirits; others will be disappointed, and will be in a less happy mood. To such, let it be said, “Lay it not too much to heart.” Let them adopt the maxim, “Better luck next time”; and then, by renewed exertion, make that better luck for themselves.]]
[[File:Præsident Lincoln.djvu|thumb|I know of nothing so pleasant to the mind, as the discovery of anything which is at once new and valuable — nothing which so lightens and sweetens toil, as the hopeful pursuit of such discovery.]]
[[File:President Abraham Lincoln and Tad Lincoln - NARA - 526284.tif|thumb|A capacity, and taste, for reading, gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others. It is the key, or one of the keys, to the already solved problems. And not only so. It gives a relish, and facility, for successfully pursuing the [yet] unsolved ones.]]

*If any continue through life in the condition of the hired laborer, it is not the fault of the system, but because of either a dependent nature which prefers it, or improvidence, folly, or singular misfortune.

* '''Some of you will be successful, and such will need but little philosophy to take them home in cheerful spirits; others will be disappointed, and will be in a less happy mood. To such, let it be said, “Lay it not too much to heart.” Let them adopt the maxim, “Better luck next time”; and then, by renewed exertion, make that better luck for themselves.'''

* From the first appearance of man upon the earth, down to very recent times, the words &quot;stranger&quot; and &quot;enemy&quot; were quite or almost, synonymous. Long after civilized nations had defined robbery and murder as high crimes, and had affixed severe punishments to them, when practiced among and upon their own people respectively, it was deemed no offence, but even meritorious, to rob, and murder, and enslave strangers, whether as nations or as individuals. Even yet, this has not totally disappeared. The man of the highest moral cultivation, in spite of all which abstract principle can do, likes him whom he does know, much better than him whom he does not know. To correct the evils, great and small, which spring from want of sympathy, and from positive enmity, among strangers, as nations, or as individuals, is one of the highest functions of civilization.

* '''Every man is proud of what he does ''well''; and no man is proud of what he does ''not'' do well. With the former, his heart is in his work; and he will do twice as much of it with less fatigue. The latter performs a little imperfectly, looks at it in disgust, turns from it, and imagines himself exceedingly tired. The little he has done, comes to nothing, for want of finishing.'''

* The ambition for broad acres leads to poor [[Agriculture|farming]], even with men of energy. I scarcely ever knew a mammoth farm to sustain itself; much less to return a profit upon the outlay. I have more than once known a man to spend a respectable fortune upon one; fail and leave it; and then some man of more modest aims, get a small fraction of the ground, and make a good living upon it. Mammoth farms are like tools or weapons, which are too heavy to be handled. Ere long they are thrown aside, at a great loss.

* The world is agreed that labor is the source from which human wants are mainly supplied. There is no dispute upon this point. From this point, however, men immediately diverge. Much disputation is maintained as to the best way of applying and controlling the labor element. By some it is assumed that labor is available only in connection with capital — that nobody labors, unless somebody else, owning capital, somehow, by the use of that capital, induces him to do it. Having assumed this, they proceed to consider whether it is best that capital shall hire laborers, and thus induce them to work by their own consent; or buy them, and drive them to it without their consent. Having proceeded so far they naturally conclude that all laborers are necessarily either hired laborers, or slaves. They further assume that whoever is once a hired laborer, is fatally fixed in that condition for life; and thence again that his condition is as bad as, or worse than that of a slave. This is the &quot;mud-sill&quot; theory. … By the &quot;mud-sill&quot; theory it is assumed that labor and education are incompatible; and any practical combination of them impossible. According to that theory, a blind horse upon a tread-mill, is a perfect illustration of what a laborer should be — all the better for being blind, that he could not tread out of place, or kick understandingly. According to that theory, the education of laborers, is not only useless, but pernicious, and dangerous. In fact, it is, in some sort, deemed a misfortune that laborers should have heads at all.

* The old general rule was that ''educated'' people did not perform manual labor. They managed to eat their bread, leaving the toil of producing it to the uneducated. This was not an insupportable evil to the working bees, so long as the class of drones remained very small. But ''now'', especially in these free States, nearly all are educated — quite too nearly all, to leave the labor of the uneducated, in any wise adequate to the support of the whole. It follows from this that henceforth educated people must labor. Otherwise, education itself would become a positive and intolerable evil. '''No country can sustain, in idleness, more than a small percentage of its numbers. The great majority must labor at something productive.'''

* I suppose, however, I shall not be mistaken, in assuming as a fact, that the people of Wisconsin prefer free labor, with its natural companion, education. This leads to the further reflection, that no other human occupation opens so wide a field for the profitable and agreeable combination of labor with cultivated thought, as agriculture. '''I know of nothing so pleasant to the mind, as the discovery of anything which is at once ''new'' and ''valuable'' — nothing which so lightens and sweetens toil, as the hopeful pursuit of such discovery.''' And how vast, and how varied a field is agriculture, for such discovery. The mind, already trained to thought, in the country school, or higher school, cannot fail to find there an exhaustless source of profitable enjoyment.

* '''Every blade of grass is a study; and to produce two, where there was but one, is both a profit and a pleasure.'''

* '''A capacity, and taste, for reading, gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others. It is the key, or one of the keys, to the already solved problems. And not only so. It gives a relish, and facility, for successfully pursuing the [yet] unsolved ones.'''

* It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: &quot;[[w:This too shall pass|And this, too, shall pass away]].&quot; How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

====Autobiographical Sketch Written for [[w:Jesse W. Fell|Jesse W. Fell]] (1859) ====
:&lt;small&gt;Written on December 20, 1859; as published in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) pp. 31-36.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''My dear Sir'': Herewith is a little sketch, as you requested. There is not much of it, for the reason, I suppose, that there is not much of me. If anything be made out of it, I wish it to be modest, and not to go beyond the material. If it were thought necessary to incorporate anything from any of my speeches, I suppose there would be no objection. Of course it must not appear to have been written by myself.&lt;!--p.31--&gt;

* My parents were both born in Virginia of undistinguished families... '''My mother, who died in my tenth year, was of a family of the name of Hanks'''...&lt;!--p.32--&gt;

* '''My paternal grandfather, Abraham Lincoln''', emigrated from [[w:Rockingham County, Virginia|Rockingham County, Virginia]], to Kentucky about 1781 or 1782, where a year or two later he '''was killed by the Indians''', not in battle, but by stealth, '''when he was laboring to open a farm in the forest. His ancestors''', who '''were [[Quaker|Quakers]]''', went to Virginia from [[w:Berks County, Pennsylvania|Berks County, Pennsylvania]].&lt;!--p.32--&gt;

* '''My father, at the death of his father, was but six years of age, and he grew up literally without education. He removed from Kentucky to what is now Spencer County, Indiana, in my eighth year.''' We reached our new home about the time the State came into the Union. '''It was a wild region, with many bears and other wild animals still in the woods. There I grew up.'''&lt;!--p.33--&gt;

* '''There were some schools, so called, but no qualification was ever required of a teacher beyond &quot;readin', writin', and cipherin' &quot; to the [[w:Cross-multiplication#Rule of Three|rule of three]]. If a straggler supposed to understand Latin happened to sojourn in the neighborhood, he was looked upon as a wizard. There was absolutely nothing to excite ambition for education. Of course, when I came of age I did not know much.''' Still, somehow, I could read, write, and cipher to the rule of three, but that was all. I have not been to school since. '''The little advance I now have upon this store of education, I have picked up from time to time under the pressure of necessity.'''&lt;!--pp.33-34--&gt;

* I was raised to farm work, which I continued till I was twenty-two. At twenty-one I came to Illinois, [[w:Macon County, Illinois|Macon County]]. Then I got to [[w:New Salem, Illinois|New Salem]], at that time in [[w:Sangamon County, Illinois|Sangamon]], now in [[w:Menard County, Illinois|Menard County]], where I remained a year as a sort of clerk in a store.&lt;!--p.34--&gt;

* '''Then came the [[w:Black Hawk War|Black Hawk war]]; and I was elected a captain of volunteers, a success which gave me more pleasure than any I have had since. I went the campaign, was elated, ran for the legislature the same year (1832), and was beaten — the only time I ever have been beaten by the people.''' The next and three succeeding biennial elections I was elected to the [[w:Illinois House of Representatives|legislature]]. I was not a candidate afterwards. During this legislative period I had studied law, and removed to Springfield to practice it.&lt;!--pp.34-35--&gt;

* In 1846 I was once elected to the lower House of [[United States Congress|Congress]]. Was not a candidate for reëlection. From 1849 to 1854, both inclusive, practiced law more assiduously than ever before. Always a [[w:Whig Party (United States)|Whig]] in politics; and generally on the Whig electoral tickets making active canvasses. '''I was losing interest in politics when the repeal of the {{w|Missouri Compromise}} aroused me again. What I have done since then is pretty well known.'''&lt;!--pp.35-36--&gt;

* If any personal description of me is thought desirable, it may be said I am, in height, six feet four inches, nearly; lean in flesh, weighing on an average one hundred and eighty pounds; dark complexion, with coarse black hair and gray eyes. '''No other marks or brands recollected.'''&lt;!--p.36--&gt;

=== 1860s ===
[[File:Lincoln by George H Story c1915.jpg|thumb|I know not how to aid you, save in the assurance of one of mature age, and much severe experience, that you ''can'' not fail, if you resolutely determine, that you ''will'' not.]]&lt;!-- 22 July 1860 --&gt;
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Abraham Lincoln - overall.jpg|thumb|Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories.]]&lt;!-- 26 January 1863 --&gt;
[[File:Horses are drinking from Stary Ivanchug River, Astrakhan Oblast, Russia 2018 April 30 (2451).jpg|thumb|It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.]]&lt;!-- 9 June 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Great Meeting Union Square.jpg|thumb|I appeal to all loyal citizens to favor, facilitate and aid this effort to maintain the honor, the integrity, and the existence of our National Union, and the perpetuity of popular government.]]&lt;!-- 15 April 1861 --&gt;
[[File:Confederate Navy Jack (light blue).svg|thumb|The [[Confederate States of America|Confederacy]] stands for [[slavery]] and [[United States|the Union]] for freedom.]]&lt;!-- January 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Alexander Helser, 1860-crop.jpg|thumb| The severest justice may not always be the best policy.]]&lt;!-- 17 July 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-42 by Christopher German, 1861.jpg|thumb|I shall try to correct [[errors]] when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.]]&lt;!-- 22 August 1862 --&gt;
&lt;!-- [[File:Rippl_Sorrow.jpg |thumb|In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. …]] a generally thematic image commented out here to reduce image-overcrowding in this section // quote of 23 December 1862--&gt;
&lt;!-- This image is used elsewhere on the page [[File:PinkertonLincolnMcClernand.jpg|thumb|Only those generals who gain successes, can set up dictators.]] //caption : 26 January 1863--&gt;
[[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|If any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly, those who desire it for others.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Freeport Il Lincoln the Debater1.JPG|thumb| When I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_President,_United_States,_and_Cabinet_-_NARA_-_528323.tif|thumb|This government cannot much longer play a game in which it stakes all, and its enemies stake nothing.]]
[[File:John Chester Buttre01.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] is generally the best vindication against slander.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Ulysses S. Grant from West Point to Appomattox.jpg|thumb|I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.]] &lt;!-- September 18, 1863 --&gt;
[[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.]]&lt;!-- 4 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln inaugural bible 2.jpg|thumb|In regard to this Great Book, I have but to say, it is the best gift God has given to man. All the good the Saviour gave to the world was communicated through this book.]]&lt;!-- 8 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Boston Public Library.jpg|thumb|I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.]]&lt;!-- 30 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Punchbowl (1238).JPG|thumb|...the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom.]]&lt;!-- 21 November 1864 --&gt;

* &quot;More rogues than honest men find shelter under [[w:Habeas corpus in the United States|habeas corpus]]&quot;
* I have scarcely felt greater pain in my life than on learning yesterday from Bob's letter, that you had failed to enter [[Harvard University]]. And yet there is very little in it, if you will allow no feeling of ''discouragement'' to seize, and prey upon you. It is a ''certain'' truth, that you ''can'' enter, and graduate in, Harvard University; and having made the attempt, you ''must'' succeed in it. ``''Must''´´ is the word. '''I know not how to aid you, save in the assurance of one of mature age, and much severe experience, that you ''can'' not fail, if you resolutely determine, that you ''will'' not.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:108?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to George C. Latham (22 July 1860)]; published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 4&lt;!-- New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press --&gt;

* I thank you, in common with all others, who have thought fit, by their votes, to indorse the Republican cause. I rejoice with you in the success which has, so far, attended that cause. Yet in all our rejoicing '''let us neither express, nor cherish, any harsh feeling towards any citizen who, by his vote, has differed with us. Let us at all times remember that all American citizens are brothers of a common country, and should dwell together in the bonds of fraternal feeling.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:214?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Remarks at Springfield, Illinois (20 November 1860)]; published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 142

* I think very much of the people, as an old friend said he thought of woman. He said when he lost his first wife, who had been a great help to him in his business, he thought he was ruined — that he could never find another to fill her place. At length, however, he married another, who he found did quite as well as the first, and that his opinion now was that any woman would do well who was well done by. So I think of the whole people of this nation — they will ever do well if well done by. We will try to do well by them in all parts of the country, North and South, with entire confidence that all will be well with all of us.
** Remarks at Bloomington, Illinois (21 November 1860); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 143

* All this is not the result of accident. It has a philosophical cause. Without the ''Constitution'' and the ''Union'', we could not have attained the result; but even these, are not the primary cause of our great prosperity. There is something back of these, entwining itself more closely about the human heart. That something, is '''the principle of &quot;Liberty to all&quot;''' — the principle that '''clears the ''path'' for all — gives ''hope'' to all — and, by consequence, ''enterprize'', and ''industry'' to all.''' The ''expression'' of that principle, in our Declaration of Independence, was most happy, and fortunate. ''Without'' this, as well as ''with'' it, we could have declared our independence of Great Britain; but ''without'' it, we could not, I think, have secured our free government, and consequent prosperity. '''No oppressed, people will ''fight'', and ''endure'',''' as our fathers did, '''without the promise of something better, than a mere change of masters.''' The assertion of that ''principle'', at that time, was the word, &quot;''fitly spoken''&quot; which has proved an &quot;apple of gold&quot; to us. The ''Union'', and the ''Constitution'', are the picture of silver, subsequently framed around it. The picture was made, not to ''conceal'', or ''destroy'' the apple; but to ''adorn'', and ''preserve'' it. The ''picture'' was made ''for'' the apple — ''not'' the apple for the picture. So let us act, that neither ''picture'', or ''apple'' shall ever be blurred, or bruised or broken. That we may so act, we must study, and understand the points of danger.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:264?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragment on the Constitution and the Union] (c. January, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 168

* &lt;!-- Your kind letter of the 25th ult., and the express package containing the bronze medal of --&gt;[[Henry Clay|Mr. Clay]], &lt;!-- both came safely to hand this morning. Permit me, in the first place, to return you my heartfelt thanks for your goodness in sending me this valuable present; and secondly, to express the extreme gratification I feel in possessing so beautiful a memento of him whom, --&gt; during my whole political life, I have loved and revered as a teacher and leader.
** Letter to Daniel Ullmann (1 February 1861); quoted in [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jala/2629860.0016.105?view=text;rgn=main &quot;Why Abraham Lincoln Was a Whig&quot; by Daniel Walker Howe, ''The Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', Volume 16, Issue 1 (Winter 1995)]; also in [http://books.google.com/books?id=meYLTCRlHaQC&amp;pg=PA72&amp;lpg=PA72&amp;dq=Lincoln+%22I+have+loved+and+revered%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=A-QLTNlkSN&amp;sig=F0MdGo6rkAVKc3tIQSs0Xp4AdSY&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=fmpQUv22LpCi4APhj4HoDQ&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=Lincoln%20%22I%20have%20loved%20and%20revered%22&amp;f=false ''We Have the War Upon Us: The Onset of the Civil War, November 1860-April 1861'' (2013) by William J. Cooper, p. 72]&lt;!-- Random House LLC, Jun 4, 2013 --&gt;

* While I do not expect, upon this occasion, or on any occasion, till after I get to Washington, to attempt any lengthy speech, I will only say that to '''the salvation of this Union''' there '''needs but one single thing — the hearts of a people like yours. When the people rise in masses in behalf of the Union and the liberties of their country, truly may it be said, [[s:Bible (King James)/Matthew#16:18|&quot;the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.&quot;]]''' In all the trying positions in which I shall be placed, and doubtless I shall be placed in many trying ones, my reliance will be placed upon you and the people of the United States — and''' I wish you to remember now and forever, that it is your business, and not mine; that if the union of these States, and the liberties of this people, shall be lost, it is but little to any one man of fifty-two years of age, but a great deal to the''' thirty '''millions of people who inhabit these United States, and to their posterity in all coming time. It is your business to rise up and preserve the Union and liberty, for yourselves, and not for me.''' I desire they shall be constitutionally preserved. I, as already intimated, am but an accidental instrument, temporary, and to serve but for a limited time, but I appeal to you again to constantly bear in mind that '''with you, and not with politicians, not with Presidents, not with office-seekers, but with you, is the question, ``Shall the Union and shall the liberties of this country be preserved to the latest generation?`` '''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:312?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=shall+the+union+and+shall+the+liberties Reply to Oliver P. Morton at Indianapolis, Indiana] (February 11, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 202, p. 193-194

* I agree with you, Mr. Chairman, that the '''working men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the most numerous''', and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries. Mr. Chairman, I hold that '''while man exists, it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind'''; and therefore, without entering upon the details of the question, I will simply say, that '''I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.'''
** Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (February 12, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 202&lt;!-- New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press --&gt;
** The phrase &quot;I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.&quot; is allusion to British jurist, philosopher, and legal and social reformer [[Jeremy Bentham]] who wrote in his &quot;Extracts from Bentham's Commonplace Book&quot;, in Collected Works, x, p. 142: &quot;[[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] was the first (unless it was [[w:Cesare Beccaria|Beccaria]]) who taught my lips to pronounce this sacred truth — that '''the greatest happiness of the greatest number is the foundation of morals and legislation.'''&quot;

* I am rather inclined to silence, and whether that be wise or not, it is at least more unusual nowadays to find a man who can hold his tongue than to find one who cannot.
** Remarks at the Monogahela House (14 February 1861); as published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 209

* '''I appeal to all loyal citizens to favor, facilitate and aid this effort to maintain the honor, the integrity, and the existence of our National Union, and the perpetuity of popular government; and to redress wrongs already long enough endured.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-1.htm Proclamation Calling Militia and Convening Congress on (15 April 1861)]

* And whereas '''it is fit and becoming in all people, at all times''', to acknowledge and revere the Supreme Government of God; to bow in humble submission to his chastisements; '''to confess and deplore their sins and transgressions in the full conviction that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; and to pray, with all fervency and contrition, for the pardon of their past offences, and for a blessing upon their present and prospective action'''... And whereas, when our own beloved Country, once, by the blessing of God, united, prosperous and happy, is now afflicted with faction and civil war, '''it is peculiarly fit for us''' to recognize the hand of God in this terrible visitation, and in sorrowful remembrance of our own faults and crimes as a nation and as individuals, to humble ourselves before Him, and to pray for His mercy, — '''to pray that we may be spared further punishment, though most justly deserved; that our arms may be blessed and made effectual for the re-establishment of law, order and peace, throughout the wide extent of our country; and that the inestimable boon of civil and religious liberty''', earned under His guidance and blessing, '''by the labors and sufferings of our fathers, may be restored in all its original excellence''': — 
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-3.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of a Day of Fasting (12 August 1861)]

* Therefore, '''I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do appoint the last Thursday in September next, as a day of humiliation, prayer and fasting for all the people of the nation. And I do earnestly recommend to all the People, and especially to all ministers and teachers of religion of all denominations, and to all heads of families, to observe and keep that day according to their several creeds and modes of worship, in all humility and with all religious solemnity, to the end that the united prayer of the nation may ascend to the Throne of Grace and bring down plentiful blessings upon our Country.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-3.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of a Day of Fasting (12 August 1861)]

* I think to lose Kentucky is nearly the same as to lose the whole game. Kentucky gone, we can not hold Missouri, nor, as I think, [[Maryland]].
** Letter to [[w:Orville Hickman Browning|Orville Hickman Browning]] (22 September 1861)

*The [[Confederate States of America|Confederacy]] stands for [[slavery]] and [[United States|the Union]] for freedom.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=cpLsLWYhMLoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22not+a+man+shall+be+a+slave%22+%22Mcpherson%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC0Q6AEwAzgKahUKEwjiwOnYqoLIAhUIez4KHaTnDok#v=onepage&amp;q=slavery&amp;f=false Private conversation] (January 1862)

* '''The severest justice may not always be the best policy.'''
** Veto message, eventually not executed, written as a response to the [[w:Confiscation Acts|Second Confiscation Act]] passed by Congress. (17 July 1862)
** ''The Emancipation Proclamation'', by John Hope Franklin, Doubleday Anchor Books, New York, NY, 1963, p. 19

* I am a patient man — always willing to forgive on the Christian terms of repentance; and also to give ample time for repentance. Still I must save this government if possible.
** Letter to {{w|Reverdy Johnson}} (26 July 1862)

* '''Broken eggs cannot be mended'''; but Louisiana has nothing to do now but to take her place in the Union as it was, barring the already broken eggs. The sooner she does so, the smaller will be the amount of that which will be past mending. '''This government cannot much longer play a game in which it stakes all, and its enemies stake nothing. Those enemies must understand that they cannot experiment for ten years trying to destroy the government, and if they fail still come back into the Union unhurt.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln5/1:762?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to August Belmont (31 July 1832)] in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln&quot; edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume V, p. 350-351

* You and I are different races. We have between us a broader difference than exists between almost any other races. Whether it be right or wrong, I need not discuss; but this physical difference is a great disadvantage to us both, as I think. Your race suffer very greatly, many of them by living amongst us, while ours suffer from your presence. In a word, we suffer on each side. If this is admitted, it affords a reason at least why we should be separated.
** Statement to the Deputation of Free Negroes (14 August 1862), in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', edited by Roy P. Baler, Rutgers University Press, 1953, Vol. V, p. 371

* May our children and our children's children to a thousand generations, continue to enjoy the benefits conferred upon us by a united country, and have cause yet to rejoice under those glorious institutions bequeathed us by Washington and his compeers.
** Second Speech at Frederick, Maryland (4 October 1862)

* '''In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares.''' The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. '''Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better.''' Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. '''You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once.'''
** Letter to Fanny McCullough (23 December 1862); ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', edited by Roy P. Basler

* I have heard, in such way as to believe it, of your recently saying that both the [[United States Armed Forces|Army]] and the [[Federal government of the United States|Government]] needed a Dictator. Of course it was not for this, but in spite of it, that I have given you the command. '''Only those generals who gain successes, can set up [[Dictatorship|dictators]].''' What I now ask of you is military success, and I will risk the dictatorship. The government will support you to the utmost of its ability, which is neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all commanders. I much fear that the spirit which you have aided to infuse into the Army, of criticizing their Commander, and withholding confidence from him, will now turn upon you. I shall assist you as far as I can, to put it down. Neither you, nor [[Napoleon]], if he were alive again, could get any good out of an army, while such a spirit prevails in it.
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/lett-4.htm Letter to Major General] [[w:Joseph Hooker|Joseph Hooker]] (26 January 1863)

* '''Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/lett-4.htm Letter to Major General] [[w:Joseph Hooker|Joseph Hooker]] (26 January 1863)

* We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth and power, as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us!
** Upon proclaiming a National Fast Day (30 March 1863)

* The man who stands by and says nothing, when the peril of his government is discussed, can not be misunderstood. If not hindered, he is sure to help the enemy.
** [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:569?rgn=div1;view=fulltextLetter to Erastus Corning and Others] (12 June 1863) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol.6&quot; (The Abraham Lincoln Association, 1953), p. 265

* Long experience has shown that armies can not be maintained unless [[w:Desertion|desertion]] shall be punished by the severe penalty of death. The case requires, and the law and the constitution, sanction this punishment. '''Must I shoot a simple-minded soldier boy who deserts, while I must not touch a hair of a wiley agitator who induces him to desert? This is none the less injurious when effected by getting a father, or brother, or friend, into a public meeting, and there working upon his feeling, till he is persuaded to write the soldier boy, that he is fighting in a bad cause, for a wicked administration of a contemptable government, too weak to arrest and punish him if he shall desert. I think that in such a case, to silence the agitator, and save the boy, is not only constitutional, but, withal, a great mercy.'''
** [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:569?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Erastus Corning and Others] (12 June 1863) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 6&quot; (The Abraham Lincoln Association, 1953), p. 266

* I do not remember that you and I ever met personally. I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment for the almost inestimable service you have done the country. I wish to say a word further. When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, I thought you should do, what you finally did, march the troops across the neck, run the batteries with the transports, and thus go below; and I never had any faith, except a general hope that you knew better than I, that the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could succeed. When you got below, and took Port-Gibson, Grand Gulf, and vicinity, I thought you should go down the river and join General Banks; and when you turned Northward East of the Big Black, I feared it was a mistake. I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right, and I was wrong.
** [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/grant.htm Letter to Ulysses S. Grant] (13 July 1863), Washington, D.C.

* '''It is the duty of every government to give protection to its citizens, of whatever class, color, or condition, and especially to those who are duly organized as soldiers in the public service. The [[International law|law of nations]] and the usages and customs of war as carried on by civilized powers, permit no distinction as to color in the treatment of [[w:Prisoners of war|prisoners of war]] as public enemies. To sell or enslave any captured person, on account of his color, and for no offence against the laws of war, is a relapse into barbarism and a crime against the civilization of the age.''' The government of the United States will give the same protection to all its soldiers, and '''if the enemy shall sell or enslave anyone because of his color, the offense shall be punished by retaliation upon the enemy's prisoners in our possession. It is therefore ordered that for every soldier of the United States killed in violation of the [[w:Laws of war|laws of war]], a rebel soldier shall be executed; and for every one enslaved by the enemy or sold into slavery, a rebel soldier shall be placed at hard labor on the public works and continued at such labor until the other shall be released and receive the treatment due to a prisoner of war'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:755?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Order of Retaliation] (30 July 1863); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 357

*Sir; You are directed to have a transport.. sent to the colored colony of San Domingo to bring back to this country such of the colonists there as desire to return.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=uEc_cG58dZQC&amp;pg=PA19 Orders to the Secretary of War] (1 February 1864)

* The world has never had a good definition of the word liberty, and the American people, just now, are much in want of one. '''We all declare for liberty; but in using the same ''word'' we do not all mean the same ''thing''.''' With some the word liberty may mean for each man to do as he pleases with himself, and the product of his labor; while with others, the same word may mean for some men to do as they please with other men, and the product of other men's labor. Here are two, not only different, but incompatible things, called by the same name — liberty. And it follows that each of the things is, by the respective parties, called by two different and incompatible names — liberty and tyranny.
** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=88871 Address in Baltimore, Maryland] (18 April 1864)

* None are so deeply interested to resist the present rebellion as the working people. Let them beware of prejudice, working division and hostility among themselves. The most notable feature of a disturbance in your city last summer, was the hanging of some working people by other working people. It should never be so. '''The strongest bond of human sympathy, outside of the family relation, should be one uniting all working people, of all nations, and tongues, and kindreds.''' Nor should this lead to a war upon property, or the owners of property. '''Property is the fruit of labor — property is desirable — is a positive good in the world. That some should be rich, shows that others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another; but let him labor diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.
** Reply to New York Workingmen's Democratic Republican Association (21 March 1864), ''Collected Works'', Vol. 7, p. 259-260 [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:566?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=houseless 1:566]

* I have not permitted myself, gentlemen, to conclude that I am the best man in the country; but I am reminded, in this connection, of a story of an old [[Dutch people|Dutch]] farmer, who remarked to a companion once that '''it was not best to swap horses when crossing streams'''.
** Reply to delegation from the National Union League approving and endorsing &quot;the nominations made by the Union National Convention at Baltimore.&quot; New York Times, Herald, and Tribune (10 June 1864) [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln7;node=lincoln7%3A852 Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln. Volume 7]
** Variant: I do not allow myself to suppose that either the convention or the League, have concluded to decide that I am either the greatest or the best man in America, but rather they have concluded '''it is not best to swap horses while crossing the river''', and have further concluded that I am not so poor a horse that they might not make a botch of it in trying to swap.
*** To a delegation of the National Union League who congratulated him on his nomination as the Republican candidate for President, June 9, 1864. As given by J. F. Rhodes—Hist. of the U. S. from the Compromise of 1850, Volume IV, p. 370. Same in Nicolay and Hay Lincoln's Complete Works, Volume II, p. 532. Different version in Appleton's Cyclopedia. Raymond—Life and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln, Chapter XVIII, p. 500. (Ed. 1865) says Lincoln quotes an old Dutch farmer, &quot;It was best not to swap horses when crossing a stream&quot;.

* I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.
** Likely spurious quote, UNVERIFIED ATTRIBUTE - Quoted in ''The Lexington Observer &amp; Reporter'' (16 June 1864) 

* '''[[Truth]] is generally the best vindication against [[Defamation|slander]].'''
** Letter to [[w:Edwin Stanton|Edwin Stanton]] (14 July 1864); published in ''Abraham Lincoln: A History'' (1890) by John Hay

* I am much indebted to the good [[Christianity|christian]] people of the country for their constant [[Prayer|prayers]] and consolations; and to no one of them, more than to yourself. '''The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.''' We hoped for a happy termination of this terrible war long before this; but God knows best, and has ruled otherwise. We shall yet acknowledge His wisdom and our own error therein. Meanwhile we must work earnestly in the best light He gives us, trusting that so working still conduces to the great ends He ordains. Surely He intends some great good to follow this mighty convulsion, which no mortal could make, and no mortal could stay.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1171?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Eliza Gurney] (4 September 1864); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 535

* In regard to this Great Book, I have but to say, it is the best gift God has given to man. All the good the Saviour gave to the world was communicated through this book.
** Words on being presented with a Bible, as reported in the Washington ''Daily Morning Chronicle'' (8 September 1864)

* '''I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.'''
** Reply to Missouri Committee of Seventy (30 September 1864)

* When armed rebels come among them their houses and other property are spared while Union men's houses are burned and their property pillaged. Still, we may not be able to specifically prove that the sympathizers protected and supplied the raiders in turn, or designated their Union neighbors for plunder and devastation. Yet we know all this exists, even better than we could know an isolated fact upon the sworn testimony of one or two witnesses; just as we better know there is fire whence we see much smoke rising than we could know it by one or two witnesses swearing to it. '''The witnesses may commit perjury, but the smoke cannot'''.
** Unfinished draft of a letter to J.R. Underwood and Henry Grinder (October 26, 1864), in ''Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln - Volume 10'' (1894), p. 254.

* I earnestly believe that the consequences of this day's work, if it be as you assume, and as now seems probable, will be to the lasting advantage, if not to the very salvation, of the country. I cannot at this hour say what has been the result of the election. But, whatever it may be, I have no desire to modify this opinion: that all who have labored to-day in behalf of the Union have wrought for the best interests of the country and the world; not only for the present, but for all future ages. '''I am thankful to God for this approval of the people; but, while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one, but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people's resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.'''
** [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2659/2659-h/2659-h.htm#2H_4_0271 Response to a Serenade, November 9, 1864] (one day after the [[w:United States presidential election, 1864|United States presidential election of 1864]]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, by Abraham Lincoln&quot; (2009) by Project Gutenberg

* Dear Madam, I have been shown in the files of the [[w:United States Department of War|War Department]] a statement of the Adjutant-General of Massachusetts, that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. '''I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom.''' Yours, very sincerely and respectfully, Abraham Lincoln
** Letter to Mrs. Bixby in Boston (21 November 1864); some scholars suggest that John Hay, a secretary of President Lincoln's, actually wrote this letter. The Files of the war department were inaccurate: Mrs. Bixby lost two sons.

* '''In a great national crisis''' like ours '''unanimity of action among those seeking a common end is very desirable — almost indispensable. And yet no approach to such unanimity is attainable unless some deference shall be paid to the will of the majority''' simply because it is the will of the majority.
** [http://www.infoplease.com/t/hist/state-of-the-union/76.html Fourth State of the Union Address] (December 6, 1864)

* It is no fault in others that the [[w:Methodism|Methodist Church]] sends more soldiers to the field, more nurses to the hospital, and more prayers to Heaven than any. God bless the Methodist Church — bless all the churches — and blessed be to God, who, in this our great trial, giveth us the churches.
** To the 1864 general conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church, as quoted in ''Abraham Lincoln : A History'' Vol. 6 (1890) by John George Nicolay and John Hay, Ch. 15, p. 324

* Men are not flattered by being shown that there has been a difference of purpose between the Almighty and them.
** Letter to Thurlow Weed (15 March 1865), reproduced in [[w:Godfrey Rathbone Benson, 1st Baron Charnwood|Lord Charnwood]] (1916), ''Abraham Lincoln: A Biography''

* '''I have always thought that all men should be free; but if any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly, those who desire it for others. When I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.'''
** Statement to an Indiana Regiment passing through Washington (17 March 1865); ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' Volume VIII

*Stop, [[w:Duff Green|you]] political tramp. You, the aider and abettor of those who have brought all this ruin upon your country, without the courage to risk your person in defense of the principles you profess to espouse! A fellow who stood by to gather up the loaves and fishes, if any should fall to you! A man who had no principles in the North, and took none South with him! A political hyena who robbed the graves of the dead, and adopted their language as his own! You talk of the North cutting the throats of the Southern people. You have all cut your own throats, and, unfortunately, have cut many of those of the North. Miserable impostor, vile intruder! Go, before I forget myself and the high position I hold! Go, I tell you, and don't desecrate this national vessel another minute!
**To [[w:Duff Green|Duff Green]], [http://www.thelincolnlog.org/Results.aspx?type=CalendarDay&amp;day=1865-04-04&amp;r=L0NhbGVuZGFyWWVhci5hc3B4P3llYXI9MTg2NSZyPUwwTmhiR1Z1WkdGeUxtRnpjSGc9 aboard the USS ''Malvern''] (4 April 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/incidentsanecdot00portiala ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by [[David Dixon Porter]], p. 308

* I propose now closing up by requesting you play a certain piece of music or a tune. I thought &quot;Dixie&quot; one of the best tunes I ever heard... I had heard our adversaries over the way had attempted to appropriate it. I insisted yesterday that we had fairly captured it... I presented the question to the Attorney-General, and he gave his opinion that it is our lawful prize... I ask the Band to give us a good turn upon it.
** At the end of the Civil War, asking that a military band play &quot;[[w:Dixie (song)|Dixie]]&quot; (10 April 1865) as quoted in ''Dan Emmett and the Rise of Early Negro Minstrelsy'' (1962) by Hans Nathan. Variant account: &quot;I have always thought &quot;Dixie&quot; one of the best tunes I have ever heard. Our adversaries over the way attempted to appropriate it, but I insisted yesterday that we fairly captured it... I now request the band to favor me with its performance&quot;.

* Did [[Edwin M. Stanton|Stanton]] say I was a damned fool? Then I dare say I must be one, for Stanton is generally right and he always says what he means.
** As quoted in ''Lincoln; An Account of his Personal Life, Especially of its Springs of Action as Revealed and Deepened by the Ordeal of War'' (1922) by Nathaniel Wright Stephenson.

* When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
** Quoted by [[w:Charles Anderson Dana|Charles A. Dana]] in his book ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=rxpCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA274&amp;q=elephant 
Recollections of the Civil War]'' (1898)

*In my opinion the [[religion]] that makes men rebel and fight against their government is not the genuine article, nor is the religion the right sort which reconciles them to the idea of [[Slavery|eating their bread in the sweat of other men's faces]]. It is not the kind to get to [[heaven]] on.
**As quoted in [https://archive.org/details/recollectionsab00lamogoog ''Recollections of Abraham Lincoln, 1847-1865''] (1895), by [[w:Ward Hill Lamon|Ward Hill Lamon]], p. 90

*He's the quietest little fellow you ever saw. He makes the least fuss of any man you ever knew. I believe he had been in this room a minute or so before I knew he was here. Grant is the first general I have had. You know how it's been with all the rest. As soon as I put a man in command of the army, they all wanted me to be the general. Now it isn't so with Grant. He hasn't told me what his plans are. I don't know and I don't want to know. I am glad to find a man who can go ahead without me. He doesn't ask impossibilities of me, and he's the first general I've had that didn't.
**About General U.S. Grant, as quoted in [http://www.granthomepage.com/grantgeneral.htm ''The Every-day Life of Abraham Lincoln: A Narrative and Descriptive Biography''], by Francis Fisher Brown, p. 520

==== [[w: Cooper Union speech|Cooper Union speech]] (1860) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://archive.is/MOWPe Speech to the Cooper Institute, New York, New York (27 February 1860)] - [[s:Cooper's Union Speech|Full text online at Wikisource]]; similar remarks to many of these were made in later speeches elsewhere. &lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This image is used elsewhere on the page [[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg|thumb|I do not mean to say we are bound to follow implicitly in whatever our fathers did. To do so, would be to discard all the lights of current experience — to reject all progress — all improvement. What I do say is, that if we would supplant the opinions and policy of our fathers in any case, we should do so upon evidence so conclusive, and argument so clear, that even their great authority, fairly considered and weighed, cannot stand.]] --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln boyhood memoral5.jpg|thumb|What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?]]

* '''I do not mean to say we are bound to follow implicitly in whatever our fathers did. To do so, would be to discard all the lights of current experience — to reject all progress — all improvement. What I do say is, that if we would supplant the opinions and policy of our fathers in any case, we should do so upon evidence so conclusive, and argument so clear, that even their great authority, fairly considered and weighed, cannot stand'''; and most surely not in a case whereof we ourselves declare they understood the question better than we.

* Let all who believe that &quot;our fathers, who framed the Government under which we live, understood this question just as well, and even better, than we do now,&quot; speak as they spoke, and act as they acted upon it. This is all Republicans ask — all Republicans desire — in relation to '''slavery. As those fathers marked it, so let it be again marked, as an evil not to be extended''', but to be tolerated and protected only because of and so far as its actual presence among us makes that toleration and protection a necessity. Let all the guarantees those fathers gave it, be, not grudgingly, but fully and fairly, maintained. For this Republicans contend, and with this, so far as I know or believe, they will be content.

* '''You say you are [[conservative]] — eminently conservative — while we are [[revolutionary]], destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?''' We stick to, contend for, the identical old policy on the point in controversy which was adopted by &quot;our fathers who framed the Government under which we live;&quot; while you with one accord reject, and scout, and spit upon that old policy, and insist upon substituting something new. True, you disagree among yourselves as to what that substitute shall be. You are divided on new propositions and plans, but you are unanimous in rejecting and denouncing the old policy of the fathers.

* '''Some of you are for reviving the foreign slave trade; some for a Congressional Slave-Code for the Territories; some for Congress forbidding the Territories to prohibit Slavery within their limits; some for maintaining Slavery in the Territories through the judiciary; some for the &quot;gur-reat pur-rinciple&quot; that &quot;if one man would enslave another, no third man should object,&quot; fantastically called &quot;Popular Sovereignty&quot;; but never a man among you is in favor of federal prohibition of slavery in federal territories, according to the practice of &quot;our fathers who framed the Government under which we live.&quot;''' Not one of all your various plans can show a precedent or an advocate in the century within which our Government originated. Consider, then, whether your claim of conservatism for yourselves, and your charge or destructiveness against us, are based on the most clear and stable foundations.

* '''Human action can be modified to some extent, but human nature cannot be changed. There is a judgment and a feeling against slavery in this nation''', which cast at least a million and a half of votes. You cannot destroy that judgment and feeling — that sentiment — by breaking up the political organization which rallies around it. '''You can scarcely scatter and disperse an army which has been formed into order in the face of your heaviest fire; but if you could, how much would you gain by forcing the sentiment which created it out of the peaceful channel of the ballot-box, into some other channel?'''

* It is exceedingly desirable that all parts of this great Confederacy shall be at peace, and in harmony, one with another. Let us Republicans do our part to have it so. '''Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper.''' Even though the southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]] if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.

* '''An inspection of the Constitution will show that the right of property in a slave is not &quot;distinctly and expressly affirmed&quot; in it.'''

* '''But you will not abide the election of a Republican president! In that supposed event, you say, you will destroy the Union; and then, you say, the great crime of having destroyed it will be upon us!''' That is cool. '''A highwayman holds a pistol to my ear, and mutters through his teeth, &quot;Stand and deliver, or I shall kill you, and then you will be a murderer!&quot; To be sure, what the robber demanded of me — my money — was my own; and I had a clear right to keep it; but it was no more my own than my vote is my own; and the threat of death to me, to extort my money, and the threat of destruction to the Union, to extort my vote, can scarcely be distinguished in principle.'''

* '''If slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.'''

* Wrong as we think slavery is, we can yet afford to let it alone where it is, because that much is due to the necessity arising from its actual presence in the nation; but can we, while our votes will prevent it, allow it to spread into the National Territories, and to overrun us here in these Free States? If our sense of duty forbids this, then '''let us stand by our duty, fearlessly and effectively. Let us be diverted by none of those sophistical contrivances wherewith we are so industriously plied and belabored — contrivances such as groping for some middle ground between the right and the wrong, vain as the search for a man who should be neither a living man nor a dead man — such as a policy of &quot;don't care&quot; on a question about which all true men do care — such as Union appeals beseeching true Union men to yield to Disunionists, reversing the divine rule, and calling, not the sinners, but the righteous to repentance — such as invocations to [[George Washington|Washington]], imploring men to unsay what Washington said, and undo what Washington did.'''

* '''Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.'''

====Speech at Hartford (1860)====
[[File:Uncle Sam's Thanksgiving Dinner (November 1869), by Thomas Nast.jpg|thumb|Every man, black, white or yellow, has a mouth to be fed and two hands with which to feed it, and that bread should be allowed to go to that mouth without controversy.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:2?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech at Hartford, Connecticut (5 March 1860), ''Evening Press''&lt;!-- http://archive.org/stream/collectedworksof015582mbp/collectedworksof015582mbp_djvu.txt--&gt;.]&lt;/small&gt;

*'''[[Slavery]] is the great political question of the nation. Though all desire its settlement, it still remains the all-pervading question of the day. It has been so especially for the past six years. It is indeed older than the revolution, rising, subsiding, then rising again, till [[1854|fifty-four]], since which time it has been constantly augmenting'''. Those who occasioned the Lecompton imbroglio now admit that they see no end to it. It had been their cry that the vexed question was just about to be settled, 'the tail of this hideous creature is just going out of sight'. That cry is 'played out', and has ceased.

*Why, when all desire to have this controversy settled, can we not settle it satisfactorily? One reason is, we want it settled in different ways. Each faction has a different plan, they pull different ways, and neither has a decided majority. In my humble opinion, the importance and magnitude of the question is underrated, even by our wisest men. If I be right, the first thing is to get a just estimate of the evil — then we can provide a cure.

*One-sixth, and a little more, of the population of the United States are slaves, looked upon as property, as nothing but property. The cash value of these slaves, at a moderate estimate, is $2,000,000,000. This amount of property value has a vast influence on the minds of its owners, very naturally. The same amount of property would have an equal influence upon us if owned in the north. Human nature is the same, people at the south are the same as those at the north, barring the difference in circumstances. Public opinion is founded, to a great extent, on a property basis. What lessons the value of property is opposed, what enhances its value is favored. Public opinion at the south regards slaves as property and insists upon treating them like other property.

*'''On the other hand, the free states carry on their government on the principle of the equality of men. We think [[slavery]] is morally wrong, and a direct violation of that principle. We all think it wrong. It is clearly proved, I think, by natural theology, apart from revelation. Every man, black, white or yellow, has a mouth to be fed and two hands with which to feed it, and that bread should be allowed to go to that mouth without controversy.'''

*Slavery is wrong in its effect upon white people and free labor; it is the only thing that threatens the Union. It makes what Senator Seward has been much abused for calling an 'irrepressible conflict'. When they get ready to settle it, we hope they will let us know. Public opinion settles every question here, any policy to be permanent must have public opinion at the bottom, something in accordance with the philosophy of the human mind as it is. The property basis will have its weight. The love of property and a consciousness of right or wrong have conflicting places in our organization, which often make a man's course seem crooks, his conduct a riddle.

*Some men would make it a question of indifference, neither right nor wrong, merely a question of dollars and cents, the Almighty has drawn a line across the land, below which it must be cultivated by slave labor, above which by free labor. They would say: 'If the question is between the white man and the negro, I am for the white man; if between the negro and the crocodile, I am for the negro.' There is a strong effort to make this policy of indifference prevail, but it can not be a durable one. A 'don't care' policy won't prevail, for every body does care.

*Is there a Democrat, especially one of the Douglas wing, but will declare that the Declaration of Independence has no application to the negro? It would be safe to offer a moderate premium for such a man. I have asked this question in large audiences where they were in the habit of answering right out, but no one would say otherwise. Not one of them said it five years ago. I never heard it till I heard it from the lips of Judge Douglas. True, some men boldly took the bull by the horns and said the Declaration of Independence was not true! They didn't sneak around the question. I say I heard first from Douglas that the Declaration did not apply to black men. Not a man of them said it till then, they all say it now. This is a long stride towards establishing the policy of indifference, one more such stride, I think, would do it.

*'''The proposition that there is a struggle between the white man and the negro contains a falsehood. There is no struggle.''' If there was, I should be for the white man. '''If two men are adrift at sea on a plank which will bear up but one, the law justifies either in pushing the other off. I never had to struggle to keep a negro from enslaving me, nor did a negro ever have to fight to keep me from enslaving him.''' They say, between the crocodile and the negro they go for the negro. The logical proportion is therefore; as a white man is to a negro, so is a negro to a crocodile; or, as the negro may treat the crocodile, so the white man may treat the negro. The 'don't care' policy leads just as surely to nationalizing slavery as Jeff Davis himself, but the doctrine is more dangerous because more insidious.

*'''If the Republicans, who think slavery is wrong, get possession of the general government, we may not root out the evil at once, but may at least prevent its extension. If I find a venomous snake lying on the open praire, I seize the first stick and kill him at once. But if that snake is in bed with my children, I must be more cautious. I shall, in striking the snake, also strike the children, or arouse the reptile to bite the children. Slavery is the venomous snake in bed with the children. But if the question is whether to kill it on the prairie or put it in bed with other children, I think we'd kill it!'''

*Another illustration. When for the first time I met Mister Clay, the other day in the cars, in front of us sat an old gentleman with an enormous wen upon his neck. Everybody would say the wen was a great evil, and would cause the man's death after a while. But you couldn't cut it out, for he'd bleed to death in a minute. But would you engraft the seeds of that wen on the necks of sound and healthy men? He must endure and be patient, hoping for possible relief. The wen represents slavery on the neck of this country. This only applies to those who think slavery is wrong. Those who think it right would consider the snake a jewel, and the wen an ornament.

*We want those who think slavery wrong to quit voting with those who think it right. They don't treat it as they do other wrongs. They won't oppose it in the free states for it isn't there, nor in the slave states for it is there; don't want it in politics, for it makes agitation; not in the pulpit, for it isn't religion; not in a Tract Society, for it makes a fuss. There is no place for its discussion. Are they quite consistent in this?

*If those democrats really think slavery wrong they will be much pleased when earnest men in the slave states take up a plan of gradual emancipation and go to work energetically and very kindly to get rid of the evil. Now let us test them. Frank Blair tried it; and he ran for Congress in '58, and got beaten. Did the democracy feel bad about it? I reckon not, I guess you all flung up your hats and shouted 'Hurrah for the Democracy!'

*He went on to speak of the manner in which slavery was treated by the Constitution. The word 'slave' is no where used; the supply of slaves was to be prohibited after 1808; they stopped the spread of it in the territories; seven of the states abolished it. He argued very conclusively that it was then regarded as an evil which would eventually be got rid of, and that they desired, once rid of it, to have nothing in the constitution to remind them of it. The Republicans go back to first principles and deal with it as a wrong. Mason, of [[Virginia|Va.]], said openly that the framers of our government were anti-slavery. Hammond of [[South Carolina|S.C.]], said 'Washington set this evil example'. Bully Brooks said: 'At the time the Constitution was formed, no one supposed slavery would last till now'. We stick to the policy of our fathers.

*[[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democracy]] are given to 'bushwhacking'. After having their errors and mis-statements continually thrust in their faces, they pay no heed, but go on howling about Seward and the 'irrepressible conflict'. That is 'bushwhacking'. So with John Brown and Harper's Ferry. They charge it upon the Republican party and ignominiously fail in all attempts to substantiate the charge. Yet they go on with their bushwhacking, the pack in full cry after John Brown.

*The democrats had just been whipped in Ohio and Pennsylvania, and seized upon the unfortunate Harper's Ferry affair to influence other elections then pending. They said to each other, 'Jump in, now's your chance', and were sorry there were not more killed. But they didn't succeed well. Let them go on with their howling. They will succeed when by slandering women you get them to love you, and by slandering men you get them to vote for you.

*Mister Lincoln then took up the [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] shoemakers' strike, treating it in a humorous and philosophical manner, and exposing to ridicule the foolish pretense of Senator Douglas, that the strike arose from 'this unfortunate sectional warfare'. Mister Lincoln thanked God that we have a system of labor where there can be a strike. Whatever the pressure, there is a point where the workman may stop.

*He didn't pretend to be familiar with the subject of the shoe strike, probably knew as little about it as Senator Douglas himself. This strike has occurred as the Senator says, or it has not. Shall we stop making war upon the South? We never have made war upon them. If any one has, better go and hang himself and save Virginia the trouble. If you give up your convictions and call slavery right as they do, you let slavery in upon you, instead of white laborers who can strike, you'll soon have black laborers who can't strike.

*I have heard that in consequence of this 'sectional warfare', as Douglas calls it, Senator Mason of Va., had appeared in a suit of homespun. Now up in New Hampshire, the woolen and cotton mills are all busy, and there is no strike. They are busy making the very goods Senator Mason has quit buying! To carry out his idea, he ought to go barefoot! If that's the plan, they should begin at the foundation, and adopt the well-known 'Georgia costume' of a shirt-collar and pair of spurs!

*It reminded him of the man who had a poor old lean, bony, spavined horse, with swelled legs. He was asked what he was going to do with such a miserable beast, the poor creature would die. 'Do?' said he. 'I'm going to fat him up; don't you see that I have got him seal fat as high as the knees?' Well, they've got the Union dissolved up to the ankle, but no farther!

*All portions of [[United States|this confederacy]] should act in harmony and with careful deliberation. [[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democrats]] cry [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]] invasion. We are guiltless of it, but our denial does not satisfy [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]]. Nothing will satisfy [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]] but disinfecting the atmosphere entirely of all opposition to [[slavery]]. [[Democratic Party (United States)|They]] have not demanded of us to yield the guards of liberty in our state constitutions, but it will naturally come to that after a while. If we give up to [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]], we cannot refuse even [[Democratic Party (United States)|their]] utmost request. If [[slavery]] is right, it ought to be extended; if not, it ought to be restricted, there is no middle ground. Wrong as we think it, we can afford to let it alone where it of necessity now exists; but we cannot afford to extend it into free territory and around our own homes. Let us stand against [[Slavery|it]]!

*The 'Union' arrangements are all a humbug. They reverse the scriptural order, calling the righteous and not sinners to repentance. Let us not be slandered or intimidated to turn from our duty. Eternal right makes might. As we understand our duty, let us do it!

==== Allow the humblest man an equal chance (1860) ====
&lt;!-- this stylized image of his death-bed is not appropriate to be placed here in a pre-presidency speech: [[File:Death of Abraham Lincoln.jpg|thumb|No policy that does not rest upon some philosophical public opinion can be permanently maintained.]] --&gt;
[[File:Hon. Abraham Lincoln, born in Kentucky, February 12, 1809 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|I don't believe in a law to prevent a man from getting rich; it would do more harm than good. So while we do not propose any war upon capital, we do wish to allow the humblest man an equal chance to get rich with everybody else. When one starts poor, as most do in the race of life, free society is such that he knows he can better his condition; he knows that there is no fixed condition of labor, for his whole life.]]
[[File:Presidents Buchanan and Lincoln entering the Senate Chamber before the Inauguration (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|I want every man to have the chance — and I believe a black man is entitled to it — in which he can better his condition — when he may look forward and hope to be a hired laborer this year and the next, work for himself afterward, and finally to hire men to work for him! That is the true system.]]
[[File:The Inaugural procession at Washington passing the gate of the Capital Grounds (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|You say you are conservative — eminently conservative while we are revolutionary, destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?]]
&lt;!-- These images are used elsewhere on the page: [[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper. Even though the Southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to them if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.]] 
[[File:Lincoln Inauguration.jpg|thumb|Their thinking it right, and our thinking it wrong, is the precise fact upon which depends the whole controversy.]]
--&gt;
[[File:Official_medallion_of_the_British_Anti-Slavery_Society_(1795).jpg|thumb|So long as we call Slavery wrong, whenever a slave runs away they will overlook the obvious fact that he ran because he was oppressed, and declare he was stolen off. Whenever a master cuts his slaves with the lash, and they cry out under it, he will overlook the obvious fact that the negroes cry out because they are hurt, and insist that they were put up to it by some rascally abolitionist.]]
&lt;!-- This image used elsewhere on the page [[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|Slavery is wrong. If Slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and Constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.]] --&gt;
[[File:A Lincoln Statue 1.JPG|thumb|Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government, nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty, as we understand it.]]
[[File:AbrLincoln1860ColeT.jpg|thumb|&lt;!-- &lt;center&gt;Frontispiece from&lt;br /&gt;''The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln'' (1915)&lt;/center&gt;A {{w|Timothy Cole}} wood engraving from a May 20, 1860 ambrotype of Lincoln, two days following his nomination for President. --&gt;To us it appears natural to think that slaves are human beings; men, not property; that some of the things, at least, stated about men in [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']] apply to them as well as to us. I say, we think, most of us, that this Charter of Freedom applies to the slave as well as to ourselves.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/haven.htm &quot;Allow the humblest man an equal chance&quot;] speech [http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA176&amp;dq=propose (6 March 1860) at New Haven, Connecticut]&lt;/small&gt;

* Fellow citizens of New Haven, if [[Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] of [[United States|this nation]] shall ever have the national house entrusted to its keeping, it will be the duty of that party to attend to all the affairs of national housekeeping. Whatever matters of importance may come up, whatever difficulties may arise in the way of its administration of the government, that party will then have to attend to. It will then be compelled to attend to other questions, besides this question which now assumes an overwhelming importance — the question of Slavery. It is true that in the organization of the Republican party this question of Slavery was more important than any other; indeed, so much more important has it become that no other national question can even get a hearing just at present. The old question of tariff — a matter that will remain one of the chief affairs of national housekeeping to all time — the question of the management of financial affairs; the question of the disposition of the public domain — how shall it be managed for the purpose of getting it well settled, and of making there the homes of a free and happy people — these will remain open and require attention for a great while yet, and these questions will have to be attended to by whatever party has the control of the government. Yet, just now, they cannot even obtain a hearing, and I do not purpose to detain you upon these topics, or what sort of hearing they should have when opportunity shall come.

* '''For, whether we will or not, the question of Slavery is the question, the all absorbing topic of the day. It is true that all of us, and by that I mean, not the Republican party alone, but the whole American people, here and elsewhere, all of us wish this question settled, wish it out of the way. It stands in the way, and prevents the adjustment, and the giving of necessary attention to other questions of national house-keeping.''' The people of the whole nation agree that this question ought to be settled, and yet it is not settled. And the reason is that they are not yet agreed how it shall be settled. All wish it done, but some wish one way and some another, and some a third, or fourth, or fifth; different bodies are pulling in different directions, and none of them having a decided majority, are able to accomplish the common object.

* In the beginning of the year 1854 a new policy was inaugurated with the avowed object and confident promise that it would entirely and forever put an end to the Slavery agitation. It was again and again declared that under this policy, when once successfully established, the country would be forever rid of this whole question. Yet under the operation of that policy this agitation has not only not ceased, but it has been constantly augmented. And this too, although, from the day of its introduction, its friends, who promised that it would wholly end all agitation, constantly insisted, down to the time that the Lecompton bill was introduced, that it was working admirably, and that its inevitable tendency was to remove the question forever from the politics of the country. Can you call to mind any Democratic speech, made after the repeal of the Missouri Compromise, down to the time of the Lecompton bill, in which it was not predicted that the Slavery agitation was just at an end; that &quot;the abolition excitement was played out,&quot; &quot;the Kansas question was dead,&quot; &quot;they have made the most they can out of this question and it is now forever settled.&quot; But since the Lecompton bill no Democrat, within my experience, has ever pretended that he could see the end. That cry has been dropped. They themselves do not pretend, now, that the agitation of this subject has come to an end yet. 

* '''The truth is, that this question is one of national importance, and we cannot help dealing with it: we must do something about it, whether we will or not. We cannot avoid it; the subject is one we cannot avoid considering; we can no more avoid it than a man can live without eating. It is upon us; it attaches to the body politic as much and as closely as the natural wants attach to our natural bodies. Now I think it important that this matter should be taken up in earnest, and really settled. And one way to bring about a true settlement of the question is to understand its true magnitude.'''

* '''Look at the magnitude of this subject!''' One sixth of our population, in round numbers — not quite one sixth, and yet more than a seventh, — about '''one sixth of the whole population of the United States are slaves! The owners of these slaves consider them property. The effect upon the minds of the owners is that of property, and nothing else — it induces them to insist upon all that will favorably affect its value as property, to demand laws and institutions and a public policy that shall increase and secure its value, and make it durable, lasting and universal. The effect on the minds of the owners is to persuade them that there is no wrong in it. The slaveholder does not like to be considered a mean fellow, for holding that species of property, and hence he has to struggle within himself and sets about arguing himself into the belief that Slavery is right. The property influences his mind.''' [...] Certain it is, that this two thousand million of dollars, invested in this species of property, all so concentrated that the mind can grasp it at once — this immense pecuniary interest, has its influence upon their minds.

* To us it appears natural to think that '''slaves are human beings; men, not property'''; that '''some of the things, at least, stated about men in the Declaration of Independence apply to them as well as to us.''' I say, we think, most of us, that '''this Charter of Freedom applies to the slave as well as to ourselves''', that the class of arguments put forward to batter down that idea, are also calculated to break down the very idea of a free government, even for white men, and to undermine the very foundations of free society. '''We think Slavery a great moral wrong, and while we do not claim the right to touch it where it exists, we wish to treat it as a wrong in the Territories, where our votes will reach it. We think that a respect for ourselves, a regard for future generations and for the God that made us, require that we put down this wrong where our votes will properly reach it. We think that species of labor an injury to free white men — in short, we think [[Slavery]] a great moral, social and political evil, tolerable only because, and so far as its actual existence makes it necessary to tolerate it, and that beyond that, it ought to be treated as a wrong.'''

* '''No policy that does not rest upon some philosophical public opinion can be permanently maintained.''' And hence, there are but two policies in regard to Slavery that can be at all maintained. The first, based on the property view that Slavery is right, conforms to that idea throughout, and demands that we shall do everything for it that we ought to do if it were right. We must sweep away all opposition, for opposition to the right is wrong; we must agree that Slavery is right, and we must adopt the idea that property has persuaded the owner to believe — that Slavery is morally right and socially elevating. This gives a philosophical basis for a permanent policy of encouragement. The other policy is one that squares with the idea that Slavery is wrong, and it consists in doing everything that we ought to do if it is wrong. [...] I don't mean that we ought to attack it where it exists. To me it seems that if we were to form a government anew, in view of the actual presence of Slavery we should find it necessary to frame just such a government as our fathers did; giving to the slaveholder the entire control where the system was established, while we possessed the power to restrain it from going outside those limits. From the necessities of the case we should be compelled to form just such a government as our blessed fathers gave us; and, surely, if they have so made it, that adds another reason why we should let Slavery alone where it exists.

* '''If I saw a venomous snake crawling in the road, any man would say I might seize the nearest stick and kill it; but if I found that snake in bed with my children, that would be another question. I might hurt the children more than the snake, and it might bite them. Much more if I found it in bed with my neighbor's children, and I had bound myself by a solemn compact not to meddle with his children under any circumstances, it would become me to let that particular mode of getting rid of the gentleman alone. But if there was a bed newly made up, to which the children were to be taken, and it was proposed to take a batch of young snakes and put them there with them, I take it no man would say there was any question how I ought to decide!''' That is just the case! The new Territories are the newly made bed to which our children are to go, and it lies with the nation to say whether they shall have snakes mixed up with them or not. It does not seem as if there could be much hesitation what our policy should be!

* '''There is a falsehood wrapped up in that statement. &quot;In the struggle between the white man and the negro&quot; assumes that there is a struggle, in which either the white man must enslave the negro or the negro must enslave the white. There is no such struggle! It is merely an ingenious falsehood, to degrade and brutalize the negro. Let each let the other alone, and there is no struggle about it. If it was like two wrecked seamen on a narrow plank, when each must push the other off or drown himself, I would push the negro off or a white man either, but it is not; the plank is large enough for both. This good earth is plenty broad enough for white man and negro both, and there is no need of either pushing the other off.'''

* So that saying, &quot;in the struggle between the negro and the crocodile,&quot; &amp;c., is made up from the idea that down where the crocodile inhabits a white man can't labor; it must be nothing else but crocodile or negro; if the negro does not the crocodile must possess the earth; [Laughter;] in that case he declares for the negro. The meaning of the whole is just this: '''As a white man is to a negro so is a negro to a crocodile; and as the negro may rightfully treat the crocodile, so may the white man rightfully treat the negro. This''' very dear phrase coined by its author, and so dear that he deliberately repeats it in many speeches, '''has a tendency to still further brutalize the negro, and to bring public opinion to the point of utter indifference whether men so brutalized are enslaved or not.'''

* But '''those who say they hate slavery, and are opposed to it, but yet act with the Democratic party''' — where are they? Let us apply a few tests. '''You say that you think slavery is wrong, but you denounce all attempts to restrain it. Is there anything else that you think wrong, that you are not willing to deal with as a wrong? Why are you so careful, so tender of this one wrong and no other?''' You will not let us do a single thing as if it was wrong; there is no place where you will allow it to be even called wrong! We must not call it wrong in the Free States, because it is not there, and we must not call it wrong in the Slave States because it is there; we must not call it wrong in politics because that is bringing morality into politics, and we must not call it wrong in the pulpit because that is bringing politics into religion; we must not bring it into the Tract Society or the other societies, because those are such unsuitable places, and there is no single place, according to you, where this wrong thing can properly be called wrong!

* '''It is easy to demonstrate that &quot;our Fathers, who framed this government under which we live,&quot; looked on Slavery as wrong, and so framed it and everything about it as to square with the idea that it was wrong, so far as the necessities arising from its existence permitted.''' In forming the Constitution they found the slave trade existing; capital invested in it; fields depending upon it for labor, and the whole system resting upon the importation of slave-labor. They therefore did not prohibit the slave trade at once, but they gave the power to prohibit it after twenty years. Why was this? What other foreign trade did they treat in that way? Would they have done this if they had not thought slavery wrong? Another thing was done by some of the same men who framed the Constitution, and afterwards adopted as their own act by the first Congress held under that Constitution, of which many of the framers were members; they prohibited the spread of Slavery into Territories. Thus the same men, '''the framers of the Constitution, cut off the supply and prohibited the spread of Slavery, and both acts show conclusively that they considered that the thing was wrong.''' If additional proof is wanting it can be found in the phraseology of the Constitution. When men are framing a supreme law and chart of government, to secure blessings and prosperity to untold generations yet to come, they use language as short and direct and plain as can be found, to express their meaning. '''In all matters but this of Slavery the framers of the Constitution used the very clearest, shortest, and most direct language. But the Constitution alludes to Slavery three times without mentioning it once! The language used becomes ambiguous, roundabout, and mystical.''' They speak of the &quot;immigration of persons,&quot; and mean the importation of slaves, but do not say so. In establishing a basis of representation they say &quot;all other persons,&quot; when they mean to say slaves — why did they not use the shortest phrase? In providing for the return of fugitives they say &quot;persons held to service or labor.&quot; If they had said slaves it would have been plainer, and less liable to misconstruction. Why didn't they do it. We cannot doubt that it was done on purpose. '''Only one reason is possible''', and that is supplied us by one of the framers of the Constitution — and it is not possible for man to conceive of any other — '''they expected and desired that the system would come to an end, and meant that when it did, the Constitution should not show that there ever had been a slave in this good free country of ours!'''

* One of the reasons why I am opposed to Slavery is just here. What is the true condition of the laborer? I take it that it is best for all to leave each man free to acquire property as fast as he can. Some will get wealthy. '''I don't believe in a law to prevent a man from getting rich; it would do more harm than good. So while we do not propose any war upon capital, we do wish to allow the humblest man an equal chance to get rich with everybody else. When one starts poor, as most do in the race of life, free society is such that he knows he can better his condition; he knows that there is no fixed condition of labor, for his whole life.''' I am not ashamed to confess that twenty five years ago I was a hired laborer, mauling rails, at work on a flat-boat — just what might happen to any poor man's son! '''I want every man to have the chance — and I believe a black man is entitled to it — in which he can better his condition — when he may look forward and hope to be a hired laborer this year and the next, work for himself afterward, and finally to hire men to work for him! That is the true system.'''

* '''You have done nothing, and have protested that you have done nothing, to injure the South. And yet, to get back the shoe trade, you must leave off doing something that you are now doing. What is it? You must stop thinking slavery wrong! Let your institutions be wholly changed; let your State Constitutions be subverted, glorify slavery, and so you will get back the shoe trade — for what? You have brought owned labor with it to compete with your own labor, to underwork you, and to degrade you! Are you ready to get back the trade on those terms?'''

* Let us notice some more of the stale charges against Republicans. '''You say we are sectional. We deny it. That makes an issue; and the burden of proof is upon you. You produce your proof; and what is it? Why, that our party has no existence in your section — gets no votes in your section. The fact is substantially true; but does it prove the issue? If it does, then in case we should, without change of principle, begin to get votes in your section, we should thereby cease to be sectional. You cannot escape this conclusion; and yet, are you willing to abide by it? If you are, you will probably soon find that we have ceased to be sectional, for we shall get votes in your section this very year. The fact that we get no votes in your section is a fact of your making, and not of ours. And if there be fault in that fact, that fault is primarily yours, and remains so until you show that we repel you by some wrong principle or practice. If we do repel you by any wrong principle or practice, the fault is ours; but this brings you to where you ought to have started — to a discussion of the right or wrong of our principle. If our principle, put in practice, would wrong your section for the benefit of ours, or for any other object, then our principle, and we with it, are sectional, and are justly opposed and denounced as such. Meet us, then, on the question of whether our principle, put in practice, would wrong your section; and so meet it as if it were possible that something may be said on our side. Do you accept the challenge? No? Then you really believe that the principle which our fathers who framed the Government under which we live thought so clearly right as to adopt it, and indorse it again and again, upon their official oaths, is, in fact, so clearly wrong as to demand your condemnation without a moment's consideration.'''

* But '''you say you are conservative — eminently conservative while we are revolutionary, destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?''' We stick to, contend for, the identical old policy on the point in controversy which was adopted by our fathers who framed the Government under which we live; while you with one accord reject, and scout, and spit upon that old policy, and insist upon substituting something new. True, you disagree among yourselves as to what that substitute shall be. You have considerable variety of new propositions and plans, but you are unanimous in rejecting and denouncing the old policy of the fathers. Some of you are for reviving the foreign slavetrade; some for a Congressional Slave-Code for the Territories; some for Congress forbidding the Territories to prohibit Slavery within their limits; some for maintaining Slavery in the Territories through the Judiciary; some for the &quot;gur-reat pur-rin-ciple&quot; that &quot;if one man would enslave another, no third man should object,&quot; fantastically called &quot;Popular Sovereignty;&quot; [great laughter,] but never a man among you in favor of Federal prohibition of Slavery in Federal Territories, according to the practice of our fathers who framed the Government under which we live. Not one of all your various plans can show a precedent or an advocate in the century within which our Government originated. And yet you draw yourselves up and say &quot;We are eminently conservative!&quot;

* It is exceedingly desirable that all parts of this great Confederacy shall be at peace, and in harmony, one with another. Let us Republicans do our part to have it so. '''Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper. Even though the Southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to them if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.''' [...] '''we must not only let them alone, but we must, somehow, convince them that we do let them alone. This, we know by experience is no easy task.''' We have been so trying to convince them from the very beginning of our organization, but with no success. In all our platforms and speeches, we have constantly protested our purpose to let them alone; but this has had no tendency to convince them, Alike unavailing to convince them is the fact that they have never detected a man of us in any attempt to disturb them.

* These natural and apparently adequate means all failing, what will convince them? This, and this only; cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right. And this must be done thoroughly — done in acts as well as in words. Silence will not be tolerated — we must place ourselves avowedly with them. Douglas's new sedition law must be enacted and enforced, suppressing all declarations that Slavery is wrong, whether made in politics, in presses, in pulpits, or in private. We must arrest and return their fugitive slaves with greedy pleasure. We must pull down our Free State Constitutions. The whole atmosphere must be disinfected of all taint of opposition to Slavery, before they will cease to believe that all their troubles proceed from us. '''So long as we call Slavery wrong, whenever a slave runs away they will overlook the obvious fact that he ran because he was oppressed, and declare he was stolen off. Whenever a master cuts his slaves with the lash, and they cry out under it, he will overlook the obvious fact that the negroes cry out because they are hurt, and insist that they were put up to it by some rascally abolitionist.'''

* '''Slavery is wrong. If Slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and Constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.''' If it is right, we cannot justly object to its nationality — its universality; if it is wrong they cannot justly insist upon its extension — its enlargement. All they ask, we could readily grant, if we thought Slavery right; all we ask, they could as readily grant, if they thought it wrong. '''Their thinking it right, and our thinking it wrong, is the precise fact upon which depends the whole controversy.''' Thinking it right as they do, they are not to blame for desiring its full recognition, as being right; but, thinking it wrong, as we do, can we yield to them? Can we cast our votes with their view, and against our own? In view of our moral, social, and political responsibilities, can we do this? &lt;br/&gt; Wrong as we think Slavery is, we can yet afford to let it alone where it is, because that much is due to the necessity arising from its actual presence in the nation; but can we, while our votes will prevent it, allow it to spread into the National Territories, and to overrun us here in these Free States? &lt;br/&gt; If our sense of duty forbids this, then '''let us stand by our duty, fearlessly and effectively. Let us be diverted by none of those sophistical contrivances wherewith we are so industriously plied and belabored — contrivances such as groping for middle ground between the right and the wrong, vain as the search for a man who should be neither a living man nor a dead man — such as a policy of &quot;don't care&quot; on a question about which all true men do care — such as Union appeals beseeching true Union men to yield to Disunionists, reversing the divine rule, and calling, not the sinners, but the righteous to repentance — such as invocations of Washington, imploring men to unsay what Washington did.'''

* '''Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government, nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty, as we understand it.'''

====''A Short Autobiography'' (1860)====
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_Birthplace_National_Historic_Site.jpg|thumb|200px|Abraham took an early start as a hunter, which was never much improved afterwards. A few days before the completion of his eighth year, in the absence of his father, '''a flock of wild turkeys approached the new log cabin, and Abraham with a rifle-gun standing inside, shot through a crack and killed one of them. He has never since pulled a trigger on any larger game.''']] &lt;!-- June 1860 --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;''A Short Autobiography, Written in June 1860, at the Request of a Friend to use in preparing a Popular Campaign Biography at the Election of that Year'', from ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) by Abraham Lincoln&lt;/small&gt;

* From this place he removed to what is now [[w:Spencer County, Indiana|Spencer County, Indiana]], in the autumn of 1816. Abraham then being in his eighth year. ...though very young, was large for his age, and '''had an ax put into his hands at once; and from that till within his twenty-third year he was almost constantly handling that most useful instrument — less, of course, in plowing and harvesting seasons.'''&lt;!--pp.7-8--&gt;

* Abraham took an early start as a hunter, which was never much improved afterwards. A few days before the completion of his eighth year, in the absence of his father, '''a flock of wild turkeys approached the new log cabin, and Abraham with a rifle-gun standing inside, shot through a crack and killed one of them. He has never since pulled a trigger on any larger game.'''&lt;!--p.8--&gt;

* Abraham now thinks that '''the aggregate of all his schooling did not amount to one year.''' He was never in a college or academy as a student, and never inside of a college or academy building till since he had a law license. What he has in the way of education he has picked up. After he was twenty-three and had separated from his father, he studied English grammar — imperfectly of course, but so as to speak and write as well as he now does. '''He studied and nearly mastered the six books of [[Euclid’s Elements|Euclid]] since he was a member of Congress. He regrets his want of education, and does what he can to supply the want. In his tenth year he was kicked by a horse, and apparently killed for a time.'''&lt;!--pp. 9-10--&gt;

* March 1, 1830, Abraham having just completed his twenty-first year, his father and family, with the families of the two daughters and sons-in-law of his stepmother, left the old homestead in Indiana and came to Illinois. ...'''Here they built a log cabin, into which they removed, and made sufficient of rails to fence ten acres of ground, fenced and broke the ground, and raised a crop of sown corn upon it the same year. These are, or are supposed to be, the rails about which so much is being said just now, though these are far from being the first or only rails ever made by Abraham.'''&lt;!--pp. 11-12--&gt;

* The {{w|Black Hawk war}} of 1832 broke out. Abraham joined a volunteer company, and, to his own surprise, was elected captain of it. He says he has not since had any success in life which gave him so much satisfaction. He went to the campaign, served near three months, met the ordinary hardships of such an expedition, but was in no battle. He now owns, in Iowa, the land upon which his own warrants for the service were located. Returning from the campaign, and '''encouraged by his great popularity among his immediate neighbors, he the same year ran for the legislature, and was beaten''' — his own precinct, however, casting its votes 277 for and 7 against him... '''This was the only time Abraham was ever beaten on a direct vote of the people.'''&lt;!--pp.16-17--&gt;

* A man offered to sell, and did sell, to Abraham and another as poor as himself, an old stock of goods, upon credit. '''They opened as merchants; and he says that was ''the'' store. Of course they did nothing but get deeper and deeper in debt.''' He was appointed postmaster at New Salem — the office being too insignificant to make his politics an objection. '''The store winked out.''' The surveyor of Sangamon offered to depute to Abraham that portion of his work which was within his part of the County. He accepted, procured a compass and chain, studied [https://books.google.com/books?id=iakIAAAAIAAJ Flint]&lt;!--Abel Flint, ''A System of Geometry and Trigonometry''--&gt; and [https://books.google.com/books?id=SIERLtc5aAYC Gibson]&lt;!--Robert Gibson, ''A Treatise of Practical Surveying''--&gt; a little, and went at it. This procured bread, and kept soul and body together. '''The election of 1834 came, and he was then elected to the [[w:Illinois House of Representatives|legislature]] by the highest vote cast for any candidate. Major {{w|John T. Stuart}},''' then in full practice of the law, was also elected. During the canvass, in a private conversation, he '''encouraged Abraham to study law.'''&lt;!--pp.18-19--&gt;

* '''After the election he borrowed books of Stuart, took them home with him, and went at it in good earnest.''' He studied with nobody. He still mixed in the surveying to pay board and clothing bills. When the legislature met, the law-books were dropped, but were taken up again at the end of the session. He was reëlected in 1836, 1838, and 1840. In the autumn of 1836 he obtained a law license, and '''on April 15, 1837, removed to Springfield, and commenced the practice — his old friend Stuart taking him into partnership.'''&lt;!--p.19--&gt;

* '''In 1846 he was elected to the lower House of Congress, and served one term only''', commencing in December, 1847, and ending with the inauguration of [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]], in March, 1849. '''All the battles of the [[Mexican–American War|Mexican war]] had been fought before Mr. Lincoln took his seat in Congress but the American army was still in [[Mexico]], and the [[w:Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo|treaty of peace]] was not fully and formally ratified''' till the June afterwards. ...'''he voted for all the supply measures''' that came up, '''and for all the measures in any way favorable to the officers, soldiers, and their families''', who conducted the war through: with the exception that some of these measures passed without yeas and nays, leaving no record as to how particular men voted. '''The &quot;Journal&quot; and &quot;[[w:Congressional Record|Globe]]&quot; also show him voting that the war was unnecessarily and unconstitutionally begun by the [[James K. Polk|President]] of the United States.'''&lt;!--pp.22-23--&gt;

* '''Mr. Lincoln's reasons for the opinion expressed by this vote were briefly that [[James K. Polk|the President]] had sent General Taylor into an inhabited part of the country belonging to Mexico, and not to the United States, and thereby had provoked the first act of hostility''', in fact the commencement of the war; that the place, being the country bordering on the east bank of the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]], was inhabited by native [[Mexicans]] born there under the [[w:Government of Mexico|Mexican Government]], and had never submitted to, nor been conquered by, Texas or the United States, nor transferred to either by treaty; that although Texas claimed the Rio Grande as her boundary, Mexico had never recognized it, and neither Texas nor the United States had ever enforced it; that there was a broad desert between that and the country over which Texas had actual control; that the country where hostilities commenced, having once belonged to Mexico, must remain so until it was somehow legally transferred, which had never been done.&lt;br /&gt;Mr. Lincoln thought the act of sending an armed force among the [[Mexicans]] was unnecessary, inasmuch as Mexico was in no way molesting or menacing the United States or the people thereof; '''and that it was unconstitutional, because the power of levying war is vested in Congress, and not in the President.''' He thought the principal motive for the act was to divert public attention from the surrender of &quot;[[w:Fifty-four, forty, or fight|Fifty-four, forty, or fight]]&quot; to Great Britain, on the [[w:Oregon boundary dispute|Oregon boundary question]].&lt;!--pp.24-26--&gt;

* In 1848, during his term in Congress, he advocated [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]]'s nomination for the presidency, in opposition to all others, and also took an active part for his election after his nomination...&lt;!--p.26--&gt;

* Upon his return from Congress he went to the practice of the law with greater earnestness than ever before. ...In 1854 his profession had almost superseded the thought of politics in his mind, when '''the repeal of the {{w|Missouri Compromise}} aroused him as he had never been before.'''&lt;br /&gt;In the autumn of that year '''he took the stump with no broader practical aim or object than to secure, if possible, the reëlection of Hon. [[w:Richard Yates (politician, born 1815)|Richard Yates]] to Congress.''' His speeches at once attracted a more marked attention than they had ever before done. ...&lt;br /&gt;In the canvass of 1856 Mr. Lincoln made over fifty speeches, no one of which, so far as he remembers, was put in print. One of them was made at [[w:Galena, Illinois|Galena]], but Mr. Lincoln has no recollection of any part of it being printed... '''he thinks he could not have expressed himself as represented.'''&lt;!--pp.27-29--&gt;

====Letter to Alexander H. Stephens (1860)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://civilwarcauses.org/aleck.htm Letter to Alexander H. Stephens (22 December 1860), Springfield, Illinois.]&lt;/small&gt;
*Do the people of the [[Southern United States|South]] really entertain fears that a Republican administration would, directly or indirectly, interfere with their slaves, or with them, about their slaves? If they do, I wish to assure you, as once a friend, and still, I hope, not an enemy, that there is no cause for such fears.

*The South would be in no more danger in this respect than it was in the days of Washington. I suppose, however, this does not meet the case. '''You think slavery is right and should be extended; while we think slavery is wrong and ought to be restricted. That I suppose is the rub. It certainly is the only substantial difference between us.'''

==== Illinois Farewell Address (1861) ====
[[File:Lincoln protecting Potawatomi.jpg|thumb| … I bid you an affectionate farewell.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Delivered at [[w:Springfield, Illinois|Springfield, Illinois]], on February 11, 1861, before embarking on his [[w:Abraham Lincoln 1861 presidential inauguration|inaugural journey to Washington]]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20160326225729/http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:306?rgn=div1;view=fulltext A Version of the Farewell Address] as provided by Roy P. Basler, ed., The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 4 (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 190. For the Original Manuscript of Farewell Address as provided by Library of Congress see [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/treasures/trm059.html here]. &lt;/small&gt;

* My friends — No one, not in my situation, can appreciate my feeling of sadness at this parting. To this place, and the kindness of these people, I owe every thing. Here I have lived a quarter of a century, and have passed from a young to an old man. Here my children have been born, and one is buried. '''I now leave, not knowing when, or whether ever, I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of that Divine Being, who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him, who can go with me, and remain with you and be every where for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.'''
====Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (1861)====
[[File:First United States Labor Day Parade, September 5, 1882 in New York City.jpg|thumb|The value of life is to improve one's condition. Whatever is calculated to advance the condition of the honest, struggling laboring man, so far as my judgment will enable me to judge of a correct thing, I am for that thing.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:319.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio] (12 February 1861)&lt;/small&gt;
=====''Commercial'' version=====
*[W]orking men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the most numerous, and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries.

*'''[W]hile man exists, it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind; and therefore, without entering upon the details of the question, I will simply say, that I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.'''

*[I]n so far as the Government lands can be disposed of, I am in favor of cutting up the wild lands into parcels, so that every poor man may have a home.

*In regard to the Germans and foreigners, I esteem them no better than other people, nor any worse. It is not my nature, '''when I see a people borne down by the weight of their shackles-the oppression of tyranny-to make their life more bitter by heaping upon them greater burdens; but rather would I do all in my power to raise the yoke, than to add anything that would tend to crush them.'''

*Inasmuch as our country is extensive and new, and the countries of Europe are densely populated, if there are any abroad who desire to make this the land of their adoption, it is not in my heart to throw aught in their way, to prevent them from coming to the United States.

=====''Gazette'' version=====
*[W]orking men are the basis of all governments. That remark is due to them more than to any other class, for the reason that there are more of them than of any other class. And as your address is presented to me not only on behalf of workingmen, but especially of Germans, I may say a word as to classes. '''I hold the value of life is to improve one's condition. Whatever is calculated to advance the condition of the honest, struggling laboring man, so far as my judgment will enable me to judge of a correct thing. I am for that thing.'''

*[T]he wild lands of the country should be distributed so that every man should have the means and opportunity of benefitting his condition.

*In regard to '''Germans and foreigners''', I esteem foreigners no better than other people, nor any worse. '''They are all of the great family of men, and if there is one shackle upon any of them, it would be far better to lift the load from them than to pile additional loads upon them.''' And inasmuch as the continent of America is comparatively a new country, and the other countries of the world are old countries, there is more room here, comparatively speaking, than there is there; and if they can better their condition by leaving their old homes, there is nothing in my heart to forbid them coming; and I bid them all God speed.

====Speech in Independence Hall (1861)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:376?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech in Independence Hall, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania] (22 February 1861); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 4'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 204.&lt;/small&gt;

*I am filled with deep emotion at finding myself standing here, in this place, where were collected together the [[wisdom]], the [[patriotism]], the devotion to principle, from which sprang the institutions under which we live. You have kindly suggested to me that in my hands is the task of restoring peace to the present distracted condition of the country. I can say in return, Sir, that '''all the political sentiments I entertain have been drawn, so far as I have been able to draw them, from the sentiments which originated and were given to the world from this hall'''.

* '''I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence.''' I have often pondered over the dangers which were incurred by the men who assembled here and adopted that [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]; I have pondered over the toils that were endured by the officers and soldiers of the army, who achieved that Independence. '''I have often inquired of myself, what great principle or idea it was that kept this Confederacy so long together. It was''' not the mere matter of the separation of the colonies from the mother land; but '''something in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] giving liberty, not alone to the people of this country, but hope to the world for all future time. It was that which gave promise that in due time the weights should be lifted from the shoulders of all men, and that ''all'' should have an equal chance. This is the sentiment embodied in that ''Declaration of Independence''.'''

*'''Now, my friends, can this country be saved upon that basis? If it can, I will consider myself one of the happiest men in the world if I can help to save it. If it can't be saved upon that principle, it will be truly awful. But, if this country cannot be saved without giving up [[Equality|that principle]]. I was about to say I would rather be assassinated on this spot than to surrender it'''.
**Some historians have opined that the assassination quip was in response to an assassination threat Lincoln had been notified about earlier.

*Now, in my view of the present aspect of affairs, '''there is no need of bloodshed and war. There is no necessity for it. I am not in favor of such a course, and I may say in advance, there will be no blood shed unless it be forced' upon the Government. The Government will not use force unless force is used against it'''. 

*My friends, this is a wholly unprepared speech. I did not expect to be called upon to say a word when I came here. I supposed I was merely to do something towards raising a flag. I may, therefore, have said something indiscreet, but I have said nothing but what I am willing to live by, and, in the pleasure of Almighty God, die by.

==== [[w:Lincoln's first inaugural address|First Inaugural Address]] (1861) ====
[[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations … is the only true sovereign of a free people.]]
[[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|In your hands, my dissatisfied countrymen, and not in mine is the momentous issue of civil war. The government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without yourselves being the aggressors.]]
[[File:US presidential seal 1850.png|thumb|The Chief Magistrate derives all his authority from the people … His duty is to administer the present Government as it came to his hands and to transmit it unimpaired by him to his successor.]]
[[File:1860 Abraham Lincoln O-40.png|thumb|We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.]]
[[File:Abraham lincoln inauguration 1861.jpg|thumb| The mystic chords of memory... will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address (4 March 1861)]] &lt;/small&gt;

* I do but [[Abraham Lincoln#Lincoln–Douglas_debates_(1858)|quote from one of those speeches when I declare that &quot;I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so.&quot;]] Those who nominated and elected me did so with full knowledge that I had made this, and many similar declarations, and had never recanted them.
** Lincoln is quoting himself from first Debate with [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858).

* In doing this there needs to be no bloodshed or violence; and there shall be none, unless it be forced upon the national authority. The power confided to me will be used to hold, occupy, and possess the property and places belonging to the government, and to collect the duties and imposts; but beyond what may be necessary for these objects, there will be no invasion — no using of force against, or among the people anywhere.

* '''If by the mere force of numbers a majority should deprive a minority of any clearly written constitutional right, it might, in a moral point of view, justify revolution — certainly would if such a right were a vital one.''' But such is not our case. All the vital rights of minorities and of individuals are so plainly assured to them by affirmations and negations, guarantees and prohibitions, in the Constitution, that controversies never arise concerning them. But no organic law can ever be framed with a provision specifically applicable to every question which may occur in practical administration. No foresight can anticipate, nor any document of reasonable length contain, express provisions for all possible questions.

* Plainly, the central idea of secession is the essence of anarchy. '''A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations, and always changing easily with deliberate changes of popular opinions and sentiments, is the only true sovereign of a free people.''' Whoever rejects it does, of necessity, fly to anarchy or to despotism. Unanimity is impossible; the rule of a minority, as a permanent arrangement, is wholly inadmissible; so that, rejecting the majority principle, anarchy or despotism in some form is all that is left.

* I do not forget the position, assumed by some, that constitutional questions are to be decided by the Supreme Court; nor do I deny that such decisions must be binding, in any case, upon the parties to a suit, as to the object of that suit, while they are also entitled to very high respect and consideration in all parallel cases by all other departments of the government. And while it is obviously possible that such decision may be erroneous in any given case, still the evil effect following it, being limited to that particular case, with the chance that it may be overruled and never become a precedent for other cases, can better be borne than could the evils of a different practice. At the same time, '''the candid citizen must confess that if the policy of the government, upon vital questions affecting the whole people, is to be irrevocably fixed by decisions of the Supreme Court, the instant they are made, in ordinary litigation between parties in personal actions, the people will have ceased to be their own rulers, having to that extent practically resigned their government into the hands of that eminent tribunal.''' Nor is there in this view any assault upon the court or the judges. It is a duty from which they may not shrink to decide cases properly brought before them, and it is no fault of theirs if others seek to turn their decisions to political purposes.

*'''One section of our country believes slavery is right and ought to be extended, while the other believes it is wrong and ought not to be extended. This is the only substantial dispute.''' The fugitive-slave clause of the Constitution and the law for the suppression of the foreign slave trade are each as well enforced, perhaps, as any law can ever be in a community where the moral sense of the people imperfectly supports the law itself. The great body of the people abide by the dry legal obligation in both cases, and a few break over in each. This I think, can not be perfectly cured, and it would be worse in both cases after the separation of the sections than before. The foreign slave trade, now imperfectly suppressed, would be ultimately revived without restriction in one section, while fugitive slaves, now only partially surrendered, would not be surrendered at all by the other. '''Physically speaking, we can not separate. We can not remove our respective sections from each other nor build an impassable wall between them. A husband and wife may be divorced and go out of the presence and beyond the reach of each other, but the different parts of our country can not do this. They can not but remain face to face, and intercourse, either amicable or hostile, must continue between them, Is it possible, then, to make that intercourse more advantageous or more satisfactory after separation than before? Can aliens make treaties easier than friends can make laws? Can treaties be more faithfully enforced between aliens than laws can among friends? Suppose you go to war, you can not fight always; and when, after much loss on both sides and no gain on either, you cease fighting, the identical old questions, as to terms of intercourse, are again upon you.'''

* '''This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing Government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it.'''

* '''[[w:President of the United States of America|The Chief Magistrate]] derives all his authority from the people''', and they have referred none upon him to fix terms for the separation of the States. The people themselves can do this if also they choose, but the Executive as such has nothing to do with it. '''His duty is to administer the present Government as it came to his hands and to transmit it unimpaired by him to his successor.'''

* '''Why should there not be a patient confidence in the ultimate justice of the people? Is there any better or equal hope in the world?'''

* '''While the people retain their virtue and vigilance, no administration, by any extreme of wickedness or folly, can very seriously injure the government in the short space of four years.'''

* My countrymen, one and all, '''think calmly and well upon this whole subject. Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time.''' If there be an object to hurry any of you in hot haste to a step which you would never take deliberately, that object will be frustrated by taking time; but no good object can be frustrated by it.

* Intelligence, patriotism, Christianity, and a firm reliance on Him, who has never yet forsaken this favored land, are still competent to adjust, in the best way, all our present difficulty.

* In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the government, while I shall have the most solemn one to &quot;preserve, protect, and defend it&quot;.

* I am loath to close. '''We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'''

==== Fourth of July Address to Congress (1861) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=69802 Address to Congress (4 July 1861)]&lt;!--http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3508--&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Between [[w:Battle of Fort Sumter|the fall of Fort Sumter on April 13, 1861]], and July of that same year, President Abraham Lincoln took a number of actions without Congressional approval including the [[w:Habeas corpus in the United States#Presidential_suspension_of_habeas_corpus|suspension of Habeas corpus]]. Lincoln did these actions in response to [[w:secession|secession]] by eleven [[w:Southern United States|southern]] [[w:slave state|slave states]] which declared their secession from the United States in response to the [[w:United States presidential election, 1860|election of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States]] and formed the [[Confederate States of America]]. In his address to Congress, Lincoln asks Congress to validate his actions by authorizing them after the fact. This address also marks Lincoln's first full explanation of the purpose of the [[American Civil War|war]] as &quot;a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life&quot; and the &quot;successful maintenance [of this government] against a formidable internal attempt to overthrow it.&quot;&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Bombardment of Fort Sumter engraving by unknown artist 1863.jpg|thumb|The assault upon and reduction of Fort Sumter was in no sense a matter of self-defense on the part of the assailants. They well knew that the garrison in the fort could by no possibility commit aggression upon them. They knew, they were expressly notified, that the giving of bread to the few brave and hungry men of the garrison was all which would on that occasion be attempted, unless themselves, by resisting so much, should provoke more...]]
[[File:Government-Vedder-Highsmith-detail-1.jpeg |thumb|Must a government of necessity be too strong for the liberties of its own people, or too weak to maintain its own existence?]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by William F. Cogswell, 1869.jpg |thumb|This is essentially a people's contest. On the side of the Union it is a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life.]]
[[File:Picswiss VD-46-60.jpg|thumb|Ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors of bullets, and that when ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided there can be no successful appeal back to bullets … Such will be a great lesson of peace, teaching men that what they can not take by an election neither can they take it by a war; teaching all the folly of being the beginners of a war.]]

*It is thus seen that '''the [[w:Battle of Fort Sumter|assault upon and reduction of Fort Sumter]] was in no sense a matter of self-defense on the part of the assailants. They well knew that the garrison in the fort could by no possibility commit aggression upon them. They knew-they were expressly notified-that the giving of bread to the few brave and hungry men of the garrison was all which would on that occasion be attempted, unless themselves, by resisting so much, should provoke more'''. They knew that this Government desired to keep the garrison in the fort, not to assail them, but merely to maintain visible possession, and thus to preserve the Union from actual and immediate dissolution, trusting, as hereinbefore stated, to time, discussion, and the ballot box for final adjustment; and they assailed and reduced the fort for precisely the reverse object — to drive out the visible authority of the Federal Union, and thus force it to immediate dissolution. That this was their object the Executive well understood; and having said to them in the inaugural address, &quot;You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors,&quot; he took pains not only to keep this declaration good, but also to keep the case so free from the power of ingenious sophistry as that the world should not be able to misunderstand it. By the affair at Fort Sumter, with its surrounding circumstances, that point was reached. Then and thereby the assailants of the Government began the conflict of arms, without a gun in sight or in expectancy to return their fire, save only the few in the fort, sent to that harbor years before for their own protection, and still ready to give that protection in whatever was lawful. In this act, discarding all else, they have forced upon the country the distinct issue, &quot;Immediate dissolution or blood.&quot;

* And this issue embraces more than the fate of these United States. It presents to the whole family of man the question whether a [[Constitutions|constitutional]] [[republic]], or '''democracy — a government of the people by the same people''' — can or can not maintain its territorial integrity against its own domestic foes. It presents the question whether discontented individuals, too few in numbers to control administration according to organic law in any case, can always, upon the pretenses made in this case, or on any other pretenses, or arbitrarily without any pretense, break up their government, and thus practically put an end to free government upon the earth. It forces us to ask, Is there in all republics this inherent and fatal weakness? '''Must a government of necessity be too strong for the liberties of its own people, or too weak to maintain its own existence?'''

*It might seem at first thought to be of little difference whether the present movement at the South be called &quot;[[w:Secession in the United States|secession]]&quot; or &quot;[[rebellion]].&quot; The movers, however, well understand the difference. At the beginning they knew they could never raise their treason to any respectable magnitude by any name which implies violation of law. They knew their people possessed as much of moral sense, as much of devotion to law and order, and as much pride in and reverence for the history and Government of their common country as any other civilized and patriotic people. They knew they could make no advancement directly in the teeth of these strong and noble sentiments. Accordingly, they commenced by an insidious debauching of the public mind. They invented an ingenious sophism, which, if conceded, was followed by perfectly logical steps through all the incidents to the complete destruction of the Union. The [[Sophist|sophism]] itself is that any State of the Union may consistently with the National Constitution, and therefore lawfully and peacefully, withdraw from the Union without the consent of the Union or of any other State. The little disguise that the supposed right is to be exercised only for just cause, themselves to be the sole judge of its justice, is too thin to merit any notice. '''With rebellion thus sugar coated they have been drugging the public mind of their section for more than thirty years, and until at length they have brought many good men to a willingness to take up arms against the Government the day after some assemblage of men have enacted the farcical pretense of taking their State out of the Union who could have been brought to no such thing the day before'''.

*This sophism derives much, perhaps the whole, of its currency from the assumption that there is some omnipotent and sacred supremacy pertaining to a State — to each State of our Federal Union. Our States have neither more nor less power than that reserved to them in the Union by the Constitution, no one of them ever having been a State out of the Union. The original ones passed into the Union even before they cast off their British colonial dependence, and the new ones each came into the Union directly from a condition of dependence, excepting Texas; and even Texas, in its temporary independence, was never designated a State. The new ones only took the designation of States on coming into the Union, while that name was first adopted for the old ones in and by the Declaration of Independence. Therein the &quot;United Colonies&quot; were declared to be &quot;free and independent States;&quot; but even then the object plainly was not to declare their independence of one another or of the Union, but directly the contrary, as their mutual pledge and their mutual action before, at the time, and afterwards abundantly show. The express plighting of faith by each and all of the original thirteen in the Articles of Confederation, two years later, that the Union shall be perpetual is most conclusive. Having never been States, either in substance or in name, outside of the Union, whence this magical omnipotence of &quot;State rights,&quot; asserting a claim of power to lawfully destroy the Union itself? Much is said about the &quot;sovereignty&quot; of the States, but the word even is not in the National Constitution, nor, as is believed, in any of the State constitutions. What is a &quot;sovereignty&quot; in the political sense of the term? Would it be far wrong to define it &quot;a political community without a political superior&quot;? Tested by this, no one of our States, except Texas, ever was a sovereignty; and even Texas gave up the character on coming into the Union, by which act she acknowledged the Constitution of the United States and the laws and treaties of the United States made in pursuance of the Constitution to be for her the supreme law of the land. The States have their status in the Union, and they have no other legal status. If they break from this, they can only do so against law and by revolution. The Union, and not themselves separately, procured their independence and their liberty. By conquest or purchase the Union gave each of them whatever of independence and liberty it has. The Union is older than any of the States, and, in fact, it created them as States. Originally some dependent colonies made the Union, and in turn the Union threw off their old dependence for them and made them States, such as they are. Not one of them ever had a State constitution independent of the Union. Of course it is not forgotten that all the new States framed their constitutions before they entered the Union, nevertheless dependent upon and preparatory to coming into the Union.

*Unquestionably the States have the powers and rights reserved to them in and by the National Constitution; but among these surely are not included all conceivable powers, however mischievous or destructive, but at most such only as were known in the world at the time as governmental powers; and certainly a power to destroy the Government itself had never been known as a governmental — as a merely administrative power. This relative matter of national power and State rights, as a principle, is no other than the principle of generality and locality . Whatever concerns the whole should be confided to the whole — to the General Government — while whatever concerns only the State should be left exclusively to the State. This is all there is of original principle about it. Whether the National Constitution in defining boundaries between the two has applied the principle with exact accuracy is not to be questioned. We are all bound by that defining without question.

*What is now combated is the position that secession is consistent with the Constitution — is lawful and peaceful . It is not contended that there is any express law for it, and nothing should ever be implied as law which leads to unjust or absurd consequences. The nation purchased with money the countries out of which several of these States were formed. Is it just that they shall go off without leave and without refunding? The nation paid very large sums (in the aggregate, I believe, nearly a hundred millions) to relieve Florida of the aboriginal tribes. Is it just that she shall now be off without consent or without making any return? The nation is now in debt for money applied to the benefit of these so-called seceding States in common with the rest. Is it just either that creditors shall go unpaid or the remaining States pay the whole? A part of the present national debt was contracted to pay the old debts of Texas. Is it just that she shall leave and pay no part of this herself?

*Again: If one State may secede, so may another; and when all shall have seceded none is left to pay the debts. Is this quite just to creditors? Did we notify them of this sage view of ours when we borrowed their money? If we now recognize this doctrine by allowing the seceders to go in peace, it is difficult to see what we can do if others choose to go or to extort terms upon which they will promise to remain.

*The seceders insist that our Constitution admits of secession. They have assumed to make a national constitution of their own, in which of necessity they have either discarded or retained the right of secession, as they insist it exists in ours. If they have discarded it, they thereby admit that on principle it ought not to be in ours. If they have retained it, by their own construction of ours they show that to be consistent they must secede from one another whenever they shall find it the easiest way of settling their debts or effecting any other selfish or unjust object. '''The principle itself is one of disintegration, and upon which no government can possibly endure'''.

* The whole of the laws which were required to be faithfully executed were being resisted and failing of execution in nearly one-third of the States. Must they be allowed to finally fail of execution, even had it been perfectly clear that by the use of the means necessary to their execution some single law, made in such extreme tenderness of the citizen's liberty that practically it relieves more of the guilty than of the innocent, should to a very limited extent be violated? To state the question more directly, Are all the laws but one to go unexecuted, and the Government itself go to pieces lest that one be violated? Even in such a case, would not the official oath be broken if the Government should be overthrown when it was believed that disregarding the single law would tend to preserve it?

* The provision of the Constitution that &quot;the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended unless when, in cases of rebellion or invasion, the public safety may require it&quot; is equivalent to a provision — is a provision — that such privilege may be suspended when, in cases of rebellion or invasion, the public safety does require it. It was decided that we have a case of rebellion and that the public safety does require the qualified suspension of the privilege of the writ which was authorized to be made. Now it is insisted that Congress, and not the Executive, is vested with this power; but the Constitution itself is silent as to which or who is to exercise the power; and as the provision was plainly made for a dangerous emergency, it can not be believed the framers of the instrument intended that in every case the danger should run its course until Congress could be called together, the very assembling of which might be prevented, as was intended in this case, by the rebellion.

* The evidence reaching us from the country leaves no doubt that the material for the work is abundant, and that it needs only the hand of legislation to give it legal sanction and the hand of the Executive to give it practical shape and efficiency. '''One of the greatest perplexities of the Government is to avoid receiving troops faster than it can provide for them. In a word, the people will save their Government if the Government itself will do its part only indifferently well.'''

* '''This is essentially a people's contest. On the side of the Union it is a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life. Yielding to partial and temporary departures, from necessity, this is the leading object of the Government for whose existence we contend.'''

* '''Our popular Government has often been called an experiment. Two points in it our people have already settled — the successful establishing and the successful administering of it. One still remains — its successful maintenance against a formidable internal attempt to overthrow it. It is now for them to demonstrate to the world that those who can fairly carry an election can also suppress a rebellion; that ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors of bullets, and that when ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided there can be no successful appeal back to bullets'''; that there can be no successful appeal except to ballots themselves at succeeding elections. '''Such will be a great lesson of peace, teaching men that what they can not take by an election neither can they take it by a war; teaching all the folly of being the beginners of a war.'''

* Lest there be some uneasiness in the minds of candid men as to what is to be the course of the Government toward the Southern States after the rebellion shall have been suppressed, the Executive deems it proper to say it will be his purpose then, as ever, to be guided by the Constitution and the laws, and that he probably will have no different understanding of the powers and duties of the Federal Government relatively to the rights of the States and the people under the Constitution than that expressed in the inaugural address.

* He desires to preserve the Government, that it may be administered for all as it was administered by the men who made it. Loyal citizens everywhere have the right to claim this of their government, and the government has no right to withhold or neglect it. It is not perceived that in giving it there is any coercion, any conquest, or any subjugation in any just sense of those terms.

* The Constitution provides, and all the States have accepted the provision, that &quot;the United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a republican form of government.&quot; But if a State may lawfully go out of the Union, having done so it may also discard the republican form of government; so that to prevent its going out is an indispensable means to the end of maintaining the guaranty mentioned; and when an end is lawful and obligatory the indispensable means to it are also lawful and obligatory.

* It was with the deepest regret that the Executive found the duty of employing the war power in defense of the Government forced upon him. He could but perform this duty or surrender the existence of the Government. No compromise by public servants could in this case be a cure; not that compromises are not often proper, but that no popular government can long survive a marked precedent that those who carry an election can only save the government from immediate destruction by giving up the main point upon which the people gave the election. '''The people themselves, and not their servants, can safely reverse their own deliberate decisions.'''

* As a private citizen the Executive could not have consented that these institutions shall perish; much less could he in betrayal of so vast and so sacred a trust as these free people had confided to him. He felt that he had no moral right to shrink, nor even to count the chances of his own life in what might follow. In full view of his great responsibility he has so far done what he has deemed his duty. You will now, according to your own judgment, perform yours. He sincerely hopes that your views and your action may so accord with his as to assure all faithful citizens who have been disturbed in their rights of a certain and speedy restoration to them under the Constitution and the laws. '''And having thus chosen our course, without guile and with pure purpose, let us renew our trust in God and go forward without fear and with manly hearts.'''

==== First State of the Union address (1861) ====
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First State of the Union Address|First State of the Union Address]] (3 December 1861)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln and McClellan 1862-10-03.jpg |thumb|It has been said that one bad general is better than two good ones, and the saying is true if taken to mean no more than that an army is better directed by a single mind, though inferior, than by two superior ones at variance and cross-purposes with each other. And the same is true in all joint operations wherein those engaged can have none but a common end in view and can differ only as to the choice of means.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln, President, U.S - NARA - 530407.tif |thumb|No men living are more worthy to be trusted than those who toil up from poverty.]]

* A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad, and one party, if not both, is sure sooner or later to invoke foreign intervention. Nations thus tempted to interfere are not always able to resist the counsels of seeming expediency and ungenerous ambition, although measures adopted under such influences seldom fail to be unfortunate and injurious to those adopting them.

* The principal lever relied on by the insurgents for exciting foreign nations to hostility against us, as already intimated, is the embarrassment of commerce. Those nations, however, not improbably saw from the first that it was the Union which made as well our foreign as our domestic commerce. They can scarcely have failed to perceive that the effort for disunion produces the existing difficulty, and that '''one strong nation promises more durable peace and a more extensive, valuable, and reliable commerce than''' can '''the same nation broken into hostile fragments.'''

* '''The war continues. In considering the policy to be adopted for suppressing the insurrection I have been anxious and careful that the inevitable conflict for this purpose shall not degenerate into a violent and remorseless revolutionary struggle. I have therefore in every case thought it proper to keep the integrity of the Union prominent as the primary object of the contest on our pan''', leaving all questions which are not of vital military importance to the more deliberate action of the Legislature. In the exercise of my best discretion I have adhered to the blockade of the ports held by the insurgents, instead of putting in force by proclamation the law of Congress enacted .at the late session for closing those ports. So also, obeying the dictates of prudence, as well as the obligations of law, instead of transcending I have adhered to the act of Congress to confiscate property used for insurrectionary purposes. If a new law upon the same subject shall be proposed, its propriety will be duly considered. '''The Union must be preserved, and hence all indispensable means must be employed. We should not be in haste to determine that radical and extreme measures, which may reach the loyal as well as the disloyal, are indispensable.'''

* '''It has been said that one bad general is better than two good ones, and the saying is true if taken to mean no more than that an army is better directed by a single mind, though inferior, than by two superior ones at variance and cross-purposes with each other. And the same is true in all joint operations wherein those engaged can have none but a common end in view and can differ only as to the choice of means.''' In a storm at sea no one on board can wish the ship to sink, and yet not unfrequently all go down together because too many will direct and no single mind can be allowed to control.

* It continues to develop that the insurrection is largely, if not exclusively, a war upon the first principle of popular government — the rights of the people. Conclusive evidence of this is found in the most grave and maturely considered public documents, as well as in the general tone of the insurgents. In those documents we find the abridgment of the existing right of suffrage and the denial to the people of all right to participate in the selection of public officers except the legislative boldly advocated, with labored arguments to prove that large control of the people in government is the source of all political evil. Monarchy itself is sometimes hinted at as a possible refuge from the power of the people. In my present position I could scarcely be justified were I to omit raising a warning voice against this approach of returning despotism.

==== Telegram to George B. McClellan (1862) ====
&lt;small&gt;[https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln5/1:410?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Online text]&lt;/small&gt;

* After you left, I ascertained that less than twenty thousand unorganized men, without a single field battery, were all you designed to be left for the defence of Washington, and [[w:Manassas Junction|Manassas Junction]]; and part of this even, was to go to Gen. Hooker's old position. Gen. Banks' corps, once designed for Manassas Junction, was diverted, and tied up on the line of [[w:Winchester, Virginia|Winchester]] and [[w:Strausburg, Virginia|Strausburg]], and could not leave it without again exposing the upper [[w:Potomac River|Potomac]], and the [[w:Baltimore and Ohio Railroad|Baltimore and Ohio Railroad]]. This presented, (or would present, when [[w:Irwin McDowell|McDowell]] and Sumner should be gone) a great temptation to the enemy to turn back from the [[w:Rappahanock River|Rappahanock]], and sack Washington. My explicit order that Washington should, by the judgment of all the commanders of Army corps, be left entirely secure, had been neglected. It was precisely this that drove me to detain McDowell.

* I do not forget that I was satisfied with your arrangement to leave Banks at Mannassas Junction; but when that arrangement was broken up, and nothing was substituted for it, of course I was not satisfied. I was constrained to substitute something for it myself. And now allow me to ask &quot;Do you really think I should permit the line from [[w:Richmond, Virginia|Richmond]], via Mannassas Junction, to this city to be entirely open, except what resistance could be presented by less than twenty thousand unorganized troops?&quot; This is a question which the country will not allow me to evade.

* And, once more let me tell you, it is indispensable to you that you strike a blow. I am powerless to help this. &lt;b&gt;You will do me the justice to remember I always insisted, that going down the Bay in search of a field, instead of fighting at or near Mannassas, was only shifting, and not surmounting, a difficulty---that we would find the same enemy, and the same, or equal, intrenchments, at either place. The country will not fail to note---is now noting---that the present hesitation to move upon an intrenched enemy, is but the story of Manassas repeated.&lt;/b&gt;

* &lt;b&gt;I beg to assure you that I have never written you, or spoken to you, in greater kindness of feeling than now, nor with a fuller purpose to sustain you, so far as in my most anxious judgment, I consistently can. But you must act.&lt;/b&gt;

==== Letter to Horace Greeley (1862) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Letter to [[w:Horace Greeley|Horace Greeley]] (22 August 1862) [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=greeley;singlegenre=All;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln5;node=lincoln5%3A848 The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume V, p. 388-389]&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;With the Letter Lincoln replied to an Open Editorial in Greeley's New York Tribune in which Greeley wrote &quot;On the face of this wide earth, Mr. President, there is not one... intelligent champion of the Union cause who does not feel... that the rebellion, if crushed tomorrow, would be renewed if slavery were left in full vigor... and that every hour of deference to slavery is an hour of added and deepened peril to the Union.&quot; see [http://faculty.assumption.edu/aas/Manuscripts/greeley.html Horace Greeley, &quot;A Prayer for Twenty Millions,&quot; New York Tribune, August 20, 1862] in &quot;[http://books.google.de/books?id=tA4lXY3W8hkC&amp;pg=PA160&amp;dq=face Dear Mr. Lincoln: Letters to the President]&quot; Edited by Harold Holzer (Southern Illinois University Press; 1st edition (January 20, 2006)), p. 160-161&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:US Great Seal 1877 drawing.png|thumb|My paramount object in [[American Civil War|this struggle]] is to save [[United States|the Union]], and is not either to save or to destroy slavery... I have here stated my purpose according to my view of ''official'' duty, and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed ''personal'' wish that all men everywhere could be free..]]

* I would save the Union. I would save it the shortest way under the Constitution. The sooner the national authority can be restored; the nearer the Union will be ``the Union as it was.´´ If there be those who would not save the Union, unless they could at the same time ''save'' slavery, I do not agree with them. If there be those who would not save the Union unless they could at the same time ''destroy'' slavery, I do not agree with them.

* '''My paramount object in this struggle ''is'' to save the Union, and is ''not'' either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing ''any'' slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing ''all'' the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that.''' What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do ''not'' believe it would help to save the Union.

* '''I shall do ''less'' whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause, and I shall do ''more'' whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.

* I have here stated my purpose according to my view of ''official'' duty; and '''I intend no modification of my oft-expressed ''personal'' wish that all men every where could be free.'''''

==== Reply to an Emancipation Memorial (1862) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Reply to an Emancipation Memorial presented by Chicago Christians of All Denominations (13 September 1862), published in ''The Life and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln'' (1865) edited by Henry Jarvis Raymond and Francis Bicknell Carpenter, p. 255 &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-60 by Mathew Brady, 1862.jpg |thumb|I must study the plain physical facts of the case, ascertain what is possible, and learn what appears to be wise and right.]]

* The subject presented in the memorial is one upon which I have thought much for weeks past, and I may even say for months. '''I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and that by religious men, who are equally certain that they represent the Divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other class is mistaken in that belief, and perhaps in some respects both.''' I hope it will not be irreverent for me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others, on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me; for, unless I am more deceived in myself than I often am, it is my earnest desire to know the will of Providence in this matter. And if I can learn what it is I will do it! These are not, however, the days of miracles, and I suppose it will be granted that I am not to expect a direct revelation. '''I must study the plain physical facts of the case, ascertain what is possible, and learn what appears to be wise and right. &lt;br /&gt; The subject is difficult, and good men do not agree.'''

* What good would a proclamation of emancipation from me do, especially as we are now situated? '''I do not want to issue a document that the whole world will see must necessarily be inoperative, like the Pope's bull against the comet!''' Would my word free the slaves, when I cannot even enforce the Constitution in the rebel States? Is there a single court, or magistrate, or individual that would be influenced by it there! And what reason is there to think it would have any greater effect upon the slaves than the late law of Congress, which I approved, and which offers protection and freedom to the slaves of rebel masters who come within our lines? Yet I cannot learn that that law has caused a single slave to come over to us. And suppose they could be induced by a proclamation of freedom from me to throw themselves upon us, what should we do with them? How can we feed and care for such a multitude?

* Now, then, tell me, if you please, what possible result of good would follow the issuing of such a proclamation as you desire? Understand, I raise no objections against it on legal or constitutional grounds; for, as commander — in — chief of the army and navy, in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy. Nor do I urge objections of a moral nature, in view of possible consequences of insurrection and massacre at the South. I view the matter as a practical war measure, to be decided upon according to the advantages or disadvantages it may offer to the suppression of the rebellion.

* I have not decided against a proclamation of liberty to the slaves, but hold the matter under advisement. And I can assure you that the subject is on my mind, by day and night, more than any other. Whatever shall appear to be God's will I will do. I trust that in the freedom with which I have canvassed your views I have not in any respect injured your feelings.

====Letter to Stanton (1862)====
:per [https://www.aish.com/ci/s/Abraham-Lincoln-and-the-Jews-10-Fascinating-Facts.html AISH] and [https://www.shapell.org/manuscript/abraham-lincoln-appointed-a-hebrew-jewish-appointment/ Shapell], a 4 November 1862] letter to Secretary of War [[Edwin Stanton]] regarding Cheme Moise Levy (an Orthodox Jew)

I believe we have not yet appointed a Hebrew - As Cherie M. Levy, is well vouched, as a capable and faithful man, let him be appointed an Assistant Quarter. [sic] Master, with the rank of Captain.

==== Second State of the Union address (1862) ====
[[File:Abraham Lincoln standing portrait 1863.jpg|thumb| The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew.]]
[[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|We can not escape history. We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation.]]
[[File:PinkLincMcC crop.jpg|thumb| In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free — honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best, hope of earth.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's Second State of the Union Address|Second State of the Union Address]] (1 December 1862)&lt;/small&gt;

* A civil war occurring in a country, where foreigners reside and carry on trade under treaty stipulations is necessarily fruitful of complaints of the violation of neutral rights. All such collisions tend to excite misapprehensions, and possibly to produce mutual reclamations between nations which have a common interest in preserving peace and friendship.

* '''A nation may be said to consist of its territory, its people, and its laws. The territory is the only part which is of certain durability.''' [[s:Bible_(King_James)/Ecclesiastes#Chapter_1|&quot;One generation passeth away and another generation cometh, but the earth abideth forever.&quot;]] '''It is of the first importance to duly consider and estimate this ever-enduring part'''.

* '''That portion of the earth's surface which is owned and inhabited by the people of the United States is well adapted to be the home of one national family, and it is not well adapted for two or more. Its vast extent and its variety of climate and productions are of advantage in this age for''' one people, whatever they might have been in former ages. Steam, telegraphs, and intelligence have brought these to be an advantageous combination for '''one united people'''.

* '''Our national strife springs not from our permanent part; not from the land we inhabit: not from our national homestead. There is no possible severing of this but would multiply and not mitigate evils among us. In all its adaptations and aptitudes it demands union and abhors separation. In fact, it would ere long force reunion, however much of blood and treasure the separation might have cost. Our strife pertains to ourselves — to the passing generations of men — and it can without convulsion be hushed forever with the passing of one generation.'''

* '''Without slavery [[American Civil War|the rebellion]] could never have existed; without slavery it could not continue.'''

* In a certain sense the liberation of slaves is the destruction of property — property acquired by descent or by purchase, the same as any other property.

* Certainly it is not so easy to pay something as it is to pay nothing, but it is easier to pay a large sum than it is to pay a larger one. And it is easier to pay any sum when we are able than it is to pay it before we are able.

* '''In times like the present, men should utter nothing for which they would not willingly be responsible through time and in eternity.'''

* As to the second article, I think it would be impracticable to return to bondage the class of persons therein contemplated. Some of them, doubtless, in the property sense belong to loyal owners, and hence provision is made in this article for compensating such. The third article relates to the future of the freed people. It does not oblige, but merely authorizes Congress to aid in colonizing such as may consent. This ought not to be regarded as objectionable on the one hand or on the other, insomuch as it comes to nothing unless by the mutual consent of the people to be deported and the American voters, through their representatives in Congress. '''I can not make it better known than it already is that I strongly favor colonization'''; and yet I wish to say there is an objection urged against free colored persons remaining in the country which is largely imaginary, if not sometimes malicious.

* Labor is like any other commodity in the market — increase the demand for it and you increase the price of it. '''Reduce the supply of black labor by colonizing the black laborer out of the country, and by precisely so much you increase the demand for and wages of white labor.'''

* I do not forget the gravity which should characterize a paper addressed to the Congress of the nation by the Chief Magistrate of the nation, nor do I forget that some of you are my seniors, nor that many of you have more experience than I in the conduct of public affairs. Yet I trust that in view of the great responsibility resting upon me you will perceive no want of respect to yourselves in any undue earnestness I may seem to display. Is it doubted, then, that the plan I propose, if adopted, would shorten the war, and thus lessen its expenditure of money and of blood? Is it doubted that it would restore the national authority and national prosperity and perpetuate both indefinitely? Is it doubted that we here — Congress and Executive can secure its adoption? Will not the good people respond to a united and earnest appeal from us? Can we, can they, by any other means so certainly or so speedily assure these vital objects? '''We can succeed only by concert. It is not &quot;Can any of us imagine better?&quot; but &quot;Can we all do better?&quot;''' Object whatsoever is possible, still the question recurs, &quot;Can we do better?&quot;

* '''The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.''' We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.

* Fellow-citizens, '''we can not escape history.''' We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. '''No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation.'''

* We say we are for the Union. The world will not forget that we say this. We know how to save the Union. The world knows we do know how to save it. '''We''', even we here, '''hold the power and bear the responsibility. In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free — honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve. We shall nobly save or meanly lose the last best hope of earth. Other means may succeed; this could not fail. The way is plain, peaceful, generous, just — a way which if followed the world will forever applaud and God must forever bless.'''

==== ''{{w|Emancipation Proclamation}}'' (1863) ====
{{Main|Emancipation Proclamation}}
[[File:Emancipation proclamation.jpg|thumb|All persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free...]]
:&lt;small&gt;The Emancipation Proclamation (1 January 1863) - [[s:The Emancipation Proclamation|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* Whereas, on the twenty-second day of September, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-two, a proclamation was issued by the President of the United States, containing, among other things, the following, to wit: That on the first day of January, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, '''all persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free; and the Executive Government of the United States, including the military and naval authority thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual freedom.''' That the Executive will, on the first day of January aforesaid, by proclamation, designate the States and parts of States, if any, in which the people thereof, respectively, shall then be in rebellion against the United States; and the fact that any State, or the people thereof, shall on that day be, in good faith, represented in the Congress of the United States by members chosen thereto at elections wherein a majority of the qualified voters of such State shall have participated, shall, in the absence of strong countervailing testimony, be deemed conclusive evidence that such State, and the people thereof, are not then in rebellion against the United States.

* And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, '''I do order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said designated States, and parts of States, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons.''' And I hereby enjoin upon the people so declared to be free to abstain from all violence, unless in necessary self-defence; and I recommend to them that, in all cases when allowed, they labor faithfully for reasonable wages. And I further declare and make known, that such persons of suitable condition, will be received into the armed service of the United States to garrison forts, positions, stations, and other places, and to man vessels of all sorts in said service. '''And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice, warranted by the Constitution, upon military necessity, I invoke the considerate judgment of mankind, and the gracious favor of Almighty God.'''

==== Letter to James C. Conkling (1863) ====
&lt;!-- Image used elsewhere on this page: [[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg |thumb|I freely acknowledge myself the servant of the people, according to the bond of service — the United States constitution; and that, as such, I am responsible to them.]] --&gt;
[[File:Black soldier in Union Army Sergeant uniform 1864.jpg|thumb|But negroes, like other people, act upon motives. Why should they do any thing for us, if we will do nothing for them? If they stake their lives for us, they must be prompted by the strongest motive — even the promise of freedom. And the promise being made, must be kept.]]
[[File:The Peacemakers 1868.jpg|thumb|Peace does not appear so distant as it did. I hope it will come soon, and come to stay; and so come as to be worth the keeping in all future time.]]
:&lt;small&gt;President Lincoln wrote this letter from August 26, 1863 to his friend James Conkling, and it is read at a rally in Springfield, Illinois, supporting the Union. In this letter, the President vigorously defends his [[s:The Emancipation Proclamation|Emancipation Proclamation]]. ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 6'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 407-410. • [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* There are those who are dissatisfied with me. To such I would say: You desire peace; and you blame me that we do not have it. But how can we attain it? There are but three conceivable ways. First, to suppress the rebellion by force of arms. This, I am trying to do. Are you for it? If you are, so far we are agreed. If you are not for it, a second way is, to give up the Union. I am against this. Are you for it? If you are, you should say so plainly. If you are not for ''force'', nor yet for ''dissolution'', there only remains some imaginable ''compromise''. I do not believe any compromise, embracing the maintenance of the Union, is now possible. All I learn, leads to a directly opposite belief. The strength of the rebellion, is its military — its army. That army dominates all the country, and all the people, within its range. Any offer of terms made by any man or men within that range, in opposition to that army, is simply nothing for the present; because such man or men, have no power whatever to enforce their side of a compromise, if one were made with them.

* A compromise, to be effective, must be made either with those who control the rebel army, or with the people first liberated from the domination of that army, by the success of our own army. Now allow me to assure you, that no word or intimation, from that rebel army, or from any of the men controlling it, in relation to any peace compromise, has ever come to my knowledge or belief. All charges and insinuations to the contrary, are deceptive and groundless. And I promise you, that if any such proposition shall hereafter come, it shall not be rejected, and kept a secret from you. '''I freely acknowledge myself the servant of the people, according to the bond of service — the United States constitution; and that, as such, I am responsible to them.'''

* But, to be plain, you are dissatisfied with me about the negro. Quite likely there is a difference of opinion between you and myself upon that subject. '''I certainly wish that all men could be free''', while I suppose you do not. Yet I have neither adopted, nor proposed any measure, which is not consistent with even your view, provided you are for the Union. I suggested compensated emancipation; to which you replied you wished not to be taxed to buy negroes. But I had not asked you to be taxed to buy negroes, except in such way, as to save you from greater taxation to save the Union exclusively by other means.

* '''You dislike the emancipation proclamation; and, perhaps, would have it retracted. You say it is unconstitutional — I think differently. I think the constitution invests its commander-in-chief, with the law of war, in time of war. The most that can be said, if so much, is, that slaves are property. Is there — has there ever been — any question that by the law of war, property, both of enemies and friends, may be taken when needed? And is it not needed whenever taking it, helps us, or hurts the enemy?''' Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.

* '''But the proclamation, as law, either is valid, or is not valid. If it is not valid, it needs no retraction. If it is valid, it can not be retracted, any more than the dead can be brought to life.''' Some of you profess to think its retraction would operate favorably for the Union. Why better after the retraction, than before the issue? There was more than a year and a half of trial to suppress the rebellion before the proclamation issued, the last one hundred days of which passed under an explicit notice that it was coming, unless averted by those in revolt, returning to their allegiance. The war has certainly progressed as favorably for us, since the issue of the proclamation as before. I know as fully as one can know the opinions of others, that some of the commanders of our armies in the field who have given us our most important successes, believe the emancipation policy, and the use of colored troops, constitute the heaviest blow yet dealt to the rebellion; and that, at least one of those important successes, could not have been achieved when it was, but for the aid of black soldiers. Among the commanders holding these views are some who have never had any affinity with what is called abolitionism, or with republican party politics; but who hold them purely as military opinions. I submit these opinions as being entitled to some weight against the objections, often urged, that emancipation, and arming the blacks, are unwise as military measures, and were not adopted, as such, in good faith.

* You say you will not fight to free negroes. Some of them seem willing to fight for you; but, no matter. Fight you, then, exclusively to save the Union. I issued the proclamation on purpose to aid you in saving the Union. Whenever you shall have conquered all resistance to the Union, if I shall urge you to continue fighting, it will be an apt time, then, for you to declare you will not fight to free negroes.

* I thought that in your struggle for the Union, to whatever extent the negroes should cease helping the enemy, to that extent it weakened the enemy in his resistance to you. Do you think differently? I thought that whatever negroes can be got to do as soldiers, leaves just so much less for white soldiers to do, in saving the Union. Does it appear otherwise to you? But '''negroes, like other people, act upon motives. Why should they do any thing for us, if we will do nothing for them? If they stake their lives for us, they must be prompted by the strongest motive — even the promise of freedom. And the promise being made, must be kept.'''

* [[Peace]] does not appear so distant as it did. I hope it will come soon, and come to stay; and so come as to be worth the keeping in all future time. It will then have been proved that, '''among free men, there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and that they who take such appeal are sure to lose their case, and pay the cost.''' And then, '''there will be some black men who can remember that, with silent tongue, and clenched teeth, and steady eye, and well-poised bayonet, they have helped mankind on to this great consummation; while, I fear, there will be some white ones, unable to forget that, with malignant heart, and deceitful speech, they have strove to hinder it.'''

* Still let us not be over-sanguine of a speedy final triumph. Let us be quite sober. Let us diligently apply the means, never doubting that a just God, in his own good time, will give us the rightful result.

==== Thanksgiving Proclamation (1863) ====
[[File:Thanksgiving 1861 croped.jpg|thumb|No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November ... as a day of [[Thanksgiving]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/thanks.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of Thanksgiving (3 October 1863)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[1863|The year that is drawing towards its close]], has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies.''' To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.

* In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theater of military conflict; while that theater has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defense, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battlefield; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. '''No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.'''

* '''I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.''' And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national [[perverseness]] and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.

==== [[w: Gettysburg Address|The Gettysburg Address]] (1863) ====
[[File:Battle of Gettysburg.jpg |thumb|We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth]]
{{Recording|Gettysburg by Britton.ogg}}
:&lt;small&gt;The Gettysburg Address, honoring Union soldiers at the dedication of the [[w:Gettysburg National Cemetery|Soldiers National Cemetery at Gettysburg]] (19 November 1863), based on the signed &quot;Bliss Copy&quot; - [[s:Gettysburg Address|Full text online at Wikisource]] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on [[w:North America|this continent]], a [[United States|new nation]], conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.''' We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. '''But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow, this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.''' It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that '''we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.'''

==== Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction (1863) ====
[[File:Lincoln and Johnsond.jpg|thumb|I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do proclaim, declare, and make known to all persons who have, directly or by implication, participated in the existing rebellion, except as hereinafter excepted, that a full pardon is hereby granted to them and each of them, with restoration of all rights of property, except as to slaves, and in property cases [...]. ]]
[[File:Waud - 1867 - The First Vote.jpg|thumb|I do further proclaim, declare, and make known that any provision which may be adopted by such State government in relation to the freed people of such State, which shall recognize and declare their permanent freedom, provide for their education, and which may yet be consistent, as a temporary arrangement, with their present condition as a laboring, landless, and homeless class, will not be objected to by the national Executive.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-4.htm The History Place - Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction (December 8, 1863]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do proclaim, declare, and make known to all persons who have, directly or by implication, participated in the existing rebellion, except as hereinafter excepted, that a full pardon is hereby granted to them and each of them, with restoration of all rights of property, except as to slaves, and in property cases where rights of third parties shall have intervened, and upon the condition that every such person shall take and subscribe an oath, and thenceforward keep and maintain said oath inviolate; and which oath shall be registered for permanent preservation''', and shall be of the tenor and effect following, to wit:

* &quot;'''I, ……………, do solemnly swear, in presence of Almighty God, that I will henceforth faithfully support, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and the union of the States thereunder; and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithfully support all acts of Congress passed during the existing rebellion with reference to slaves, so long and so far as not repealed, modified or held void by Congress, or by decision of the Supreme Court; and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithfully support all proclamations of the President made during the existing rebellion having reference to slaves, so long and so far as not modified or declared void by decision of the Supreme Court. So help me God.'''&quot;

* '''The persons excepted from the benefits of the foregoing provisions are all who are, or shall have been, civil or [[Diplomacy|diplomatic officers]] or agents of the so-called [[Confederate States of America|confederate government]]; all who have left judicial stations under the United States to aid the rebellion; all who are, or shall have been, military or naval officers of said so-called confederate government above the rank of colonel in the army, or of lieutenant in the navy; all who left seats in the United States Congress to aid the rebellion; all who resigned commissions in the army or navy of the United States, and afterwards aided the rebellion; and all who have engaged in any way in treating colored persons or white persons, in charge of such, otherwise than lawfully as prisoners of war, and which persons may have been found in the United States service, as soldiers, seamen, or in any other capacity.'''

* And I do further proclaim, declare, and make known, that whenever, in any of the States of [[Arkansas]], [[Texas]], [[w:Louisiana|Louisiana]], [[Mississippi]], [[Tennessee]], [[Alabama]], [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]], [[Florida]], [[South Carolina]], and [[North Carolina]], a number of persons, not less than one-tenth in number of the votes cast in such State at the Presidential election of the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty, each having taken the oath aforesaid and not having since violated it, and being a qualified voter by the election law of the State existing immediately before the so-called act of secession, and excluding all others, shall re-establish a State government which shall be republican, and in no wise contravening said oath, such shall be recognized as the true government of the State, and the State shall receive thereunder the benefits of the constitutional provision which declares that &quot;The United States shall guaranty to every State in this union a republican form of government, and shall protect each of them against invasion; and, on application of the legislature, or the executive, (when the legislature cannot be convened,) against domestic violence.&quot;

* And '''I do further proclaim, declare, and make known that any provision which may be adopted by such State government in relation to the freed people of such State, which shall recognize and declare their permanent freedom, provide for their education, and which may yet be consistent, as a temporary arrangement, with their present condition as a laboring, landless, and homeless class, will not be objected to by the national Executive.''' And it is suggested as not improper, that, in constructing a loyal State government in any State, the name of the State, the boundary, the subdivisions, the constitution, and the general code of laws, as before the rebellion, be maintained, subject only to the modifications made necessary by the conditions hereinbefore stated, and such others, if any, not contravening said conditions, and which may be deemed expedient by those framing the new State government.

* To avoid misunderstanding, it may be proper to say that this proclamation, so far as it relates to State governments, has no reference to States wherein loyal State governments have all the while been maintained. And for the same reason, it may be proper to further say that whether members sent to Congress from any State shall be admitted to seats, constitutionally rests exclusively with the respective Houses, and not to any extent with the Executive. And still further, that this proclamation is intended to present the people of the States wherein the national authority has been suspended, and loyal State governments have been subverted, a mode in and by which the national authority and loyal State governments may be re-established within said States, or in any of them; and, while the mode presented is the best the Executive can suggest with his present impressions, it must not be understood that no other possible mode would be acceptable.

==== &quot;If Slavery Is Not Wrong, Nothing Is Wrong&quot; (1864) ====
[[File:President Lincoln writing the Proclamation of Freedom 18444u.jpg|thumb|If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong. I can not remember when I did not so think, and feel.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Letter (4 April 1864) to Albert G. Hodges, editor of the Frankfort, Kentucky, ''Commonwealth'' (recounting their conversation of 26 March 1864). {{cite web|url=http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/hodges.htm|title=Abraham Lincoln Online}}; [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/treasures/trt027.html Manuscript at The Library of Congress]; also in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume VII, p. 281&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;This letter is a summary of a conversation which President Abraham Lincoln had with three Kentuckians: Governor Thomas E. Bramlette, Albert Hodges, and Archibald Dixon. Hodges was the editor of the Frankfort Commonwealth and Dixon served in the U.S. Senate from 1852 to 1855. Bramlette had protested the recruiting of black regiments in Kentucky. The letter offers an excellent glimpse into Lincoln's thinking about his constitutional responsibility and why he changed his inaugural position of non-interference with slavery to one of emancipation. He said, &quot;I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.&quot; Lincoln closed with a reference to slavery that is reminiscent of his inaugural address of 1865: &quot;If God now wills the removal of a great wrong, and wills also that we of the North as well as you of the South, shall pay fairly for our complicity in that wrong, impartial history will find therein new cause to attest and revere the justice and goodness of God.&quot; • [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/hodges.htm Abraham Lincoln Online - Section Speeches and writings: Letter to Albert G. Hodges]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln-Warren-1865-03-06.jpeg|thumb|I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.]]

* '''I am naturally anti-slavery. If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong. I can not remember when I did not so think, and feel. And yet I have never understood that the Presidency conferred upon me an unrestricted right to act officially upon this judgment and feeling. It was in the oath I took that I would, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. I could not take the office without taking the oath. Nor was it my view that I might take an oath to get power, and break the oath in using the power. I understood, too, that in ordinary civil administration this oath even forbade me to practically indulge my primary abstract judgment on the moral question of slavery. I had publicly declared this many times, and in many ways. And I aver that, to this day, I have done no official act in mere deference to my abstract judgment and feeling on slavery.''' I did understand however, that my oath to preserve the constitution to the best of my ability, imposed upon me the duty of preserving, by every indispensable means, that government — that nation — of which that constitution was the organic law.

* '''Was it possible to lose the nation, and yet preserve the constitution? By general law life and limb must be protected; yet often a limb must be amputated to save a life; but a life is never wisely given to save a limb. I felt that measures, otherwise unconstitutional, might become lawful, by becoming indispensable to the preservation of the constitution, through the preservation of the nation.''' Right or wrong, I assumed this ground, and now avow it. '''I could not feel that, to the best of my ability, I had even tried to preserve the constitution, if, to save slavery, or any minor matter, I should permit the wreck of government, country, and Constitution all together.'''

* When, early in the war, Gen. Fremont attempted military emancipation, I forbade it, because I did not then think it an indispensable necessity. When a little later, Gen. Cameron, then Secretary of War, suggested the arming of the blacks, I objected, because I did not yet think it an indispensable necessity. When, still later, Gen. Hunter attempted military emancipation, I again forbade it, because I did not yet think the indispensable necessity had come. When, in March, and May, and July 1862 I made earnest, and successive appeals to the border states to favor compensated emancipation, I believed the indispensable necessity for military emancipation, and arming the blacks would come, unless averted by that measure. They declined the proposition; and I was, in my best judgment, driven to the alternative of either surrendering the Union, and with it, the Constitution, or of laying strong hand upon the colored element. I chose the latter. In choosing it, I hoped for greater gain than loss; but of this, I was not entirely confident. More than a year of trial now shows no loss by it in our foreign relations, none in our home popular sentiment, none in our white military force, — no loss by it any how or any where. On the contrary, it shows a gain of quite a hundred and thirty thousand soldiers, seamen, and laborers. These are palpable facts, about which, as facts, there can be no cavilling. We have the men; and we could not have had them without the measure.

* And now let any Union man who complains of the measure, test himself by writing down in one line that he is for subduing the rebellion by force of arms; and in the next, that he is for taking these hundred and thirty thousand men from the Union side, and placing them where they would be but for the measure he condemns. If he can not face his case so stated, it is only because he can not face the truth.

* In telling this tale I attempt no compliment to my own sagacity. '''I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.''' Now, at the end of three years struggle the nation's condition is not what either party, or any man devised, or expected. God alone can claim it. Whither it is tending seems plain. '''If God now wills the removal of a great wrong, and wills also that we of the North as well as you of the South, shall pay fairly for our complicity in that wrong, impartial history will find therein new cause to attest and revere the justice and goodness of God.'''

==== [[s:Speeches to Ohio Regiments|Speeches to Ohio Regiments]] (1864) ====
===== Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-fourth Ohio Regiment =====
:&lt;small&gt;Delivered at Washington, D.C., on August 18, 1864&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:9th New York Infantry Regiment charging the Confederate right at Antietam army.mil-2008-09-10-145623.jpg|thumb|I wish it might be more generally and universally understood what the country is now engaged in. We have, as all will agree, a free Government, where [[w:All men are created equal|every man has a right to be equal with every other man]].]]
[[File:The Star-Spangled Banner - Project Gutenberg eText 21566.jpg|thumb|In this [[American Civil War|great struggle]], this [[w:Form of government|form of Government]] and every form of human right is endangered if our enemies succeed. There is more involved in this contest than is realized by everyone.]]
* Soldiers — You are about to return to your homes and your friends, after having, as I learn, performed in camp a comparatively short term of duty in [[American Civil War|this great contest]]. I am greatly obliged to you, and to all who have come forward at the call of their country.

* '''I wish it might be more generally and universally understood what the country is now engaged in. We have, as all will agree, a free Government, where [[w:All men are created equal|every man has a right to be equal with every other man]]. In this [[American Civil War|great struggle]], this [[w:Form of government|form of Government]] and every form of human right is endangered if our enemies succeed. There is more involved in this contest than is realized by every one. There is involved in this struggle the question whether your children and my children shall enjoy the privileges we have enjoyed.'''

* I say this in order to impress upon you, if you are not already so impressed, that '''no small matter should divert us from our great purpose.''' There may be some irregularities in the practical application of our system. '''It is fair that each man shall pay taxes in exact proportion to the value of his property; but if we should wait before collecting a tax to adjust the taxes upon each man in exact proportion with every other man, we should never collect any tax at all.''' There may be mistakes made sometimes; things may be done wrong while the officers of the Government do all they can to prevent mistakes. But I beg of you, as citizens of this great Republic, not to let your minds to carried off from the great work we have before us. '''This struggle is too large for you to be diverted from it by any small matter.'''

* When you return to your homes rise up to the height of a generation of men worthy of a free Government, and we will carry out the great work we have commenced. I return to you my sincere thanks, soldiers, for the honor you have done me this afternoon.

===== Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-sixth Ohio Regiment =====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-sixth Ohio Regiment, Washington, D.C. (22 August 1864)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:1860s White House.jpg|thumb|I beg you to remember this, not merely for my sake, but for yours. I happen temporarily to occupy this big [[w:White House|White House]]. I am a living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as my father's child has.]]

* I suppose you are going home to see your families and friends. For the service you have done in this great struggle in which we are engaged I present you sincere thanks for myself and the country.

* I almost always feel inclined, when I happen to say anything to soldiers, to impress upon them in a few brief remarks the importance of success in this contest. '''It is not merely for to-day, but for all time to come that we should perpetuate for our children's children this great and free government, which we have enjoyed all our lives. I beg you to remember this, not merely for my sake, but for yours. I happen temporarily to occupy this big [[w:White House|White House]]. I am a living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as [[w:Abraham Lincoln|my father's child]] has.'''

* '''It is in order that each of you may have through this free government''' which we have enjoyed, '''an open field and a fair chance for your industry, enterprise and intelligence; that you may all have equal privileges in the race of life, with all its desirable human aspirations. It is for this the struggle should be maintained''', that we may not lose our birthright — not only for one, but for two or three years. '''The nation is worth fighting for, to secure such an inestimable jewel.'''

===== Speech to One Hundred Forty-eighth Ohio Regiment (1864)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1155?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech to One Hundred Forty-eighth Ohio Regiment], Washington, D.C. (31 August 1864); ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 7, p. 528-529&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln taking the oath at his second inauguration.jpg|thumb|Nowhere in the world is presented a government of so much liberty and equality. To the humblest and poorest amongst us...]]

* SOLDIERS OF THE 148TH OHIO: — I am most happy to meet you on this occasion. I understand that it has been your honorable privilege to stand, for a brief period, in the defense of your country, and that now you are on your way to your homes. I congratulate you, and those who are waiting to bid you welcome home from the war; and permit me, in the name of the people, to thank you for the part you have taken in this struggle for the life of the nation. You are soldiers of the Republic, everywhere honored and respected. '''Whenever I appear before a body of soldiers, I feel tempted to talk to them of the nature of the struggle in which we are engaged. I look upon it as an attempt on the one hand to overwhelm and destroy the national existence, while, on our part, we are striving to maintain the government and institutions of our fathers, to enjoy them ourselves, and transmit them to our children and our children's children forever.'''

* To do this the constitutional administration of our government must be sustained, and I beg of you not to allow your minds or your hearts to be diverted from the support of all necessary measures for that purpose, by any miserable picayune arguments addressed to your pockets, or inflammatory appeals made to your passions or your prejudices.

* It is vain and foolish to arraign this man or that for the part he has taken, or has not taken, and to hold the government responsible for his acts. '''In no administration can there be perfect equality of action and uniform satisfaction rendered by all. But this government must be preserved in spite of the acts of any man or set of men.''' It is worthy your every effort. '''Nowhere in the world is presented a government of so much liberty and equality. To the humblest and poorest amongst us are held out the highest privileges and positions. The present moment finds me at the White House, yet there is as good a chance for your children as there was for my father's.'''

* Again I admonish you not to be turned from your stern purpose of defending your beloved country and its free institutions by any arguments urged by ambitious and designing men, but stand fast to the Union and [[Flag of the United States|the old flag]]. Soldiers, I bid you God-speed to your homes.

====Interview with Alexander W. Randall and Joseph T. Mills (1864)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1109?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Interview with Alexander W. Randall and Joseph T. Mills (19 August 1864)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:4th United States Colored Infantry.jpg|thumb|There have been men who have proposed to me to return to slavery the black warriors of Port Hudson and Olustee to their masters to conciliate the south. I should be damned in time and in eternity for so doing. The world shall know that I will keep my faith to friends and enemies, come what will.]]

* '''There have been men who have proposed to me to return to slavery the black warriors of Port Hudson and Olustee to their masters to conciliate the South. I should be damned in time and in eternity for so doing.''' The world shall know that I will keep my faith to friends and enemies, come what will.

*My enemies say I am now carrying on this war for the sole purpose of abolition. It is and will be carried on so long as I am President for the sole purpose of restoring the Union. '''But no human power can subdue this rebellion without using the Emancipation lever as I have done.'''

*'''Freedom has given us the control of 200,000 able bodied men, born and raised on southern soil. It will give us more yet.''' Just so much it has subtracted from the strength of our enemies, and instead of alienating the south from us, there are evidences of a fraternal feeling growing up between our own and rebel soldiers. My enemies condemn my emancipation policy. Let them prove by the history of this war, that we can restore the Union without it.

==== ''On Democratic Government'' (1864) ====
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gold is good in its place; but living, brave, and patriotic men are better than gold.]]
[[File:Frederick MD B&amp;O Station Lincoln Visit Oct 4 1862.jpg|thumb|May I ask those who have not differed with me to join with me in this same spirit towards those who have?]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2659/2659-h/2659-h.htm#2H_4_0273 Address to a congratulatory serenade on his reelection (10 November 1864)] which occurred two days after the [[w:United States presidential election, 1864|United States presidential election of 1864]]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, by Abraham Lincoln&quot; by Project Gutenberg on July 5, 2009.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''It has long been a grave question whether any government, not too strong for the liberties of its people, can be strong enough to maintain its existence in great emergencies.''' On this point the present rebellion brought our government to a severe test, and a presidential election occurring in regular course during the rebellion, added not a little to the strain.

* '''If the loyal people united were put to the utmost of their strength by the rebellion, must they not fail when divided and partially paralyzed by a political war among themselves? But the election was a necessity. We cannot have free government without elections'''; and if the election could force us to forego or postpone a national election, it might fairly claim to have already conquered and ruined us. '''The strife of the election is but human nature practically applied to the facts of the case. What has occurred in this case must ever recur in similar cases. Human nature will not change. In any future great national trial, compared with the men of this, we will have as weak and as strong, as silly and as wise, as bad and as good. Let us, therefore, study the incidents of this as philosophy to learn wisdom from, and none of them as wrongs to be revenged.'''

*''' But the election, along with its incidental and undesirable strife, has done good, too. It has demonstrated that a people's government can sustain a national election in the midst of a great civil war. Until now, it has not been known to the world that this was a possibility.''' It shows, also, how sound and strong we still are. It shows that even among the candidates of the same party, he who is most devoted to the Union and most opposed to treason can receive most of the people's votes. It shows, also, to the extent yet known, that we have more men now than we had when the war began. '''Gold is good in its place; but living, brave, and patriotic men are better than gold.'''

* '''But the rebellion continues, and, now that the election is over, may not all have a common interest to reunite in a common effort to save our common country?''' For my own part, I have striven and shall strive to avoid placing any obstacle in the way. So long as I have been here, I have not willingly planted a thorn in any man's bosom. While I am duly sensible to the high compliment of a re-election, and duly grateful, as I trust, to Almighty God, for having directed my countrymen to a right conclusion, as I think, for their good, it adds nothing to my satisfaction that any other man may be disappointed by the result.

* '''May I ask those who have not differed with me to join with me in this same spirit towards those who have?''' And now, let me close by asking three hearty cheers for our brave soldiers and seamen, and their gallant and skillful commanders.

==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's second inaugural address|Second Inaugural Address]] (1865) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Abraham_Lincoln's_Second_Inaugural_Address|Second Inaugural Address (4 March 1865)]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Battle of Milliken's Bend.jpg|thumb|Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured...]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln second inaugural address.jpg|thumb|On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it — all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war — seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation...]]
[[File:Bodies on the battlefield at antietam.jpg|thumb|Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came...]]
[[File:Lincoln Memorial (north wall interior).jpg|thumb|One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that [[Slavery|this interest]] was somehow the cause of [[American Civil War|the war]]. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend [[Slavery|this interest]] was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war...]]
[[File:Seal of the Confederate States of America.svg|thumb|Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just [[God]]'s assistance in [[Slavery|wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces]]; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully...]]
[[File:Drawing of Dead Soldiers on Antietam battlefield.jpg|thumb|Fondly do we hope — fervently do we pray — that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword...]]
[[File:Peace at the End of the Civil War.jpg|thumb|With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds...]]

*Fellow countrymen: At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of [[American Civil War|the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of]] [[United States|the nation]], little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.

*On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it — all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war — seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. '''Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.'''

*One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These '''slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that [[Slavery|this interest]] was somehow the cause of [[American Civil War|the war]].''' To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend [[Slavery|this interest]] was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of [[Slavery|it]].

* Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the ''[[Slavery|cause]]'' of the conflict might cease with, or even before, [[American Civil War|the conflict itself]] should cease. '''Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just [[God]]'s assistance in [[Slavery|wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces]]; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully.'''
** Lincoln was alluding to [[Jesus]]' words in in Matthew 7:1 &quot;Judge not, that ye be not judged.&quot; (KJV)

* The Almighty has his own purposes. 'Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh.' If we shall suppose that American [[Slavery]] is one of those offences which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, [[American Civil War|this terrible war]], as the woe due to those by whom [[Slavery|the offence]] came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? '''Fondly do we hope — fervently do we pray — that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said, [[s:Bible (King James)/Psalms#19:9|'The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.']]'''

* '''With malice toward none, with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.'''

====Tour of Richmond (1865)====
[[File:Promulgation of Manifesto of Emancipation the Peasant. Signakhi, Kakheti. 1864.jpg|thumb|Don't kneel to me, that is not right. You must kneel to God only, and thank him for the liberty you will hereafter enjoy. I am but God's humble instrument; but you may rest assured that as long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.]]
[[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|God has made you free. Although you have been deprived of your God-given rights by your so-called masters, you are now as free as I am, and if those that claim to be your superiors do not know that you are free, take the sword and bayonet and teach them that you are; for God created all men free, giving to each the same rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.]]
[[File:Empancipation proclomation.jpg|thumb|As long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.]]
[[File:Libby Prison, Richmond, 05-1865 - NARA - 533454.tif|thumb|No, leave it as a monument.]]

* '''Don't kneel to me, that is not right. You must kneel to God only, and thank him for the liberty you will hereafter enjoy.''' I am but God's humble instrument; but you may rest assured that '''as long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.'''
** After witnessing a man bow down to him. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 295

* '''My poor friends, you are free, free as air. You can cast off the name of slave and trample upon it; it will come to you no more. Liberty is your birthright. God gave it to you as He gave it to others, and it is a sin that you have been deprived of it for so many years.''' But you must try to deserve this priceless boon. Let the world see that you merit it, and are able to maintain it by your good works. Don't let your joy carry you into excesses. Learn the laws and obey them; obey God's commandments and thank Him for giving you liberty, for to Him you owe all things. There, now, let me pass on; I have but little time to spare. I want to see the capital, and must return at once to Washington to secure to you that liberty which you seem to prize so highly.
** To a group of freed slaves. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 297

* In reference to you, colored people, let me say '''God has made you free.''' Although you have been deprived of your God-given rights by your so-called masters, you are now as free as I am, and if those that claim to be your superiors do not know that you are free, take the sword and bayonet and teach them that you are; for '''God created all men free, giving to each the same rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.'''
** In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20130517052731/http://mrlincolnandfreedom.org/inside.asp?ID=84&amp;subjectID=3 ''Recollected Words of Abraham Lincoln''] (1996), by Don Edward Fehrenbacher and Virginia Fehrenbacher, editor, p. 257

* No, leave it as a [[monument]].
** In response to talk of demolishing [[w:Libby Prison|Libby Prison]]. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 299

* They will never shoulder a musket again in anger, and if [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] is wise, he will leave them their guns to shoot crows with and their horses to plow with. It would do no harm.
** Regarding the treatment of former Confederate soldiers. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 312

====Last public address (1865)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20140327204307/http://abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/last.htm Last public address at the White House (11 April 1865)]&lt;/small&gt;

*We meet this evening, not in sorrow, but in gladness of heart. The evacuation of Petersburg and Richmond, and the surrender of the [[w:Army of Northern Virginia|principal insurgent army]], give hope of a righteous and speedy peace whose joyous expression can not be restrained. In the midst of this, however, He from whom all blessings flow, must not be forgotten. A call for a national thanksgiving is being prepared, and will be duly promulgated. Nor must those whose harder part gives us the cause of rejoicing, be overlooked. Their honors must not be parcelled out with others. I myself was near the front, and had the high pleasure of transmitting much of the good news to you; but no part of the honor, for plan or execution, is mine. To General Grant, his skilful officers, and brave men, all belongs. The gallant Navy stood ready, but was not in reach to take active part.

*By these recent successes the re-inauguration of the national authority — reconstruction — which has had a large share of thought from the first, is pressed much more closely upon our attention. It is fraught with great difficulty. Unlike a case of a war between independent nations, there is no authorized organ for us to treat with. No one man has authority to give up the rebellion for any other man. We simply must begin with, and mould from, disorganized and discordant elements. Nor is it a small additional embarrassment that we, the loyal people, differ among ourselves as to the mode, manner, and means of reconstruction.

*As a general rule, I abstain from reading the reports of attacks upon myself, wishing not to be provoked by that to which I can not properly offer an answer. In spite of this precaution, however, it comes to my knowledge that I am much censured for some supposed agency in setting up, and seeking to sustain, the new State government of Louisiana. In this I have done just so much as, and no more than, the public knows. In the Annual Message of Dec. 1863 and accompanying Proclamation, I presented a plan of [[Reconstruction era|re-construction]] (as the phrase goes) which, I promised, if adopted by any State, should be acceptable to, and sustained by, the Executive government of the nation. I distinctly stated that this was not the only plan which might possibly be acceptable; and I also distinctly protested that the Executive claimed no right to say when, or whether members should be admitted to seats in Congress from such States. This plan was, in advance, submitted to the then Cabinet, and distinctly approved by every member of it. One of them suggested that I should then, and in that connection, apply the Emancipation Proclamation to the theretofore excepted parts of Virginia and Louisiana; that I should drop the suggestion about apprenticeship for freed-people, and that I should omit the protest against my own power, in regard to the admission of members to Congress; but even he approved every part and parcel of the plan which has since been employed or touched by the action of Louisiana. The new constitution of Louisiana, declaring emancipation for the whole State, practically applies the Proclamation to the part previously excepted. It does not adopt apprenticeship for freed-people; and it is silent, as it could not well be otherwise, about the admission of members to Congress. So that, as it applies to Louisiana, every member of the Cabinet fully approved the plan. The message went to Congress, and I received many commendations of the plan, written and verbal; and not a single objection to it, from any professed emancipationist, came to my knowledge, until after the news reached Washington that the people of Louisiana had begun to move in accordance with it. From about July 1862, I had corresponded with different persons, supposed to be interested, seeking a reconstruction of a State government for Louisiana. When the message of 1863, with the plan before mentioned, reached [[w:New Orleans|New-Orleans]], General Banks wrote me that he was confident the people, with his military co-operation, would reconstruct, substantially on that plan. I wrote him, and some of them to try it; they tried it, and the result is known. Such only has been my agency in getting up the Louisiana government. As to sustaining it, my promise is out, as before stated. But, as bad promises are better broken than kept, I shall treat this as a bad promise, and break it, whenever I shall be convinced that keeping it is adverse to the public interest. But I have not yet been so convinced.

*I have been shown a letter on this subject, supposed to be an able one, in which the writer expresses regret that my mind has not seemed to be definitely fixed on the question whether the seceding States, so called, are in the Union or out of it. It would perhaps, add astonishment to his regret, were he to learn that since I have found professed Union men endeavoring to make that question, I have purposely forborne any public expression upon it. As appears to me that question has not been, nor yet is, a practically material one, and that any discussion of it, while it thus remains practically immaterial, could have no effect other than the mischievous one of dividing our friends. As yet, whatever it may hereafter become, that question is bad, as the basis of a controversy, and good for nothing at all — a merely pernicious abstraction.

*We all agree that the seceded States, so called, are out of their proper relation with the Union; and that the sole object of the government, civil and military, in regard to those States is to again get them into that proper practical relation. I believe it is not only possible, but in fact, easier to do this, without deciding, or even considering, whether these States have ever been out of the Union, than with it. Finding themselves safely at home, it would be utterly immaterial whether they had ever been abroad. Let us all join in doing the acts necessary to restoring the proper practical relations between these States and the Union; and each forever after, innocently indulge his own opinion whether, in doing the acts, he brought the States from without, into the Union, or only gave them proper assistance, they never having been out of it.

*The amount of constituency, so to speak, on which the new Louisiana government rests, would be more satisfactory to all, if it contained fifty, thirty, or even twenty thousand, instead of only about twelve thousand, as it does. '''It is also unsatisfactory to some that the elective franchise is not given to the colored man. I would myself prefer that it were now conferred on the very intelligent, and on those who serve our cause as soldiers'''. Still the question is not whether the Louisiana government, as it stands, is quite all that is desirable. The question is, &quot;Will it be wiser to take it as it is, and help to improve it; or to reject, and disperse it?&quot; &quot;Can Louisiana be brought into proper practical relation with the Union sooner by sustaining, or by discarding her new State government?&quot;

*Some twelve thousand voters in the heretofore slave-state of Louisiana have sworn allegiance to the Union, assumed to be the rightful political power of the State, held elections, organized a State government, adopted a free-state constitution, giving the benefit of public schools equally to black and white, and empowering the Legislature to confer the elective franchise upon the colored man. Their Legislature has already voted to ratify the constitutional amendment recently passed by Congress, abolishing slavery throughout the nation. These twelve thousand persons are thus fully committed to the Union, and to perpetual freedom in the state — committed to the very things, and nearly all the things the nation wants — and they ask the nations recognition and it's assistance to make good their committal. Now, if we reject, and spurn them, we do our utmost to disorganize and disperse them. We in effect say to the white men &quot;You are worthless, or worse — we will neither help you, nor be helped by you.&quot; To the blacks we say &quot;This cup of liberty which these, your old masters, hold to your lips, we will dash from you, and leave you to the chances of gathering the spilled and scattered contents in some vague and undefined when, where, and how.&quot; If this course, discouraging and paralyzing both white and black, has any tendency to bring Louisiana into proper practical relations with the Union, I have, so far, been unable to perceive it. If, on the contrary, we recognize, and sustain the new government of Louisiana the converse of all this is made true. We encourage the hearts, and nerve the arms of the twelve thousand to adhere to their work, and argue for it, and proselyte for it, and fight for it, and feed it, and grow it, and ripen it to a complete success. The colored man too, in seeing all united for him, is inspired with vigilance, and energy, and daring, to the same end. Grant that he desires the elective franchise, will he not attain it sooner by saving the already advanced steps toward it, than by running backward over them? Concede that the new government of Louisiana is only to what it should be as the egg is to the fowl, we shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it? Again, if we reject Louisiana, we also reject one vote in favor of the proposed amendment to the national Constitution. To meet this proposition, it has been argued that no more than three fourths of those States which have not attempted secession are necessary to validly ratify the amendment. I do not commit myself against this, further than to say that such a ratification would be questionable, and sure to be persistently questioned; while a ratification by three-fourths of all the States would be unquestioned and unquestionable.

*I repeat the question, 'Can Louisiana be brought into proper practical relation with the Union sooner by sustaining or by discarding her new State Government?'

*What has been said of Louisiana will apply generally to other States. And yet so great peculiarities pertain to each state, and such important and sudden changes occur in the same state; and withal, so new and unprecedented is the whole case, that no exclusive, and inflexible plan can be safely prescribed as to details and colatterals. Such exclusive, and inflexible plan, would surely become a new entanglement. Important principles may, and must, be inflexible.

*In the present &quot;situation&quot; as the phrase goes, it may be my duty to make some new announcement to the people of the South. I am considering, and shall not fail to act, when satisfied that action will be proper.

== Posthumous attributions ==
:&lt;small&gt;Soon after his death, Lincoln became popular as a &quot;wise man&quot; to whom quotations were often attributed, and attributions without specific contemporary sources should be viewed skeptically. These attributions are arranged chronologically.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln-1864-3a13576v.jpg|thumb| If I were to try to [[read]], much less answer, all the [[attacks]] made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other [[business]].]]
[[File:American Civil War Chaplain.JPG|thumb|We, on our side, are [[praying]] Him to give us [[victory]], because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by George Peter Alexander Healy.jpg|thumb|If the [[end]] brings me out all right, what's [[said]] against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten [[angels]] swearing I was right would make no difference.]]
[[File:1865 Abraham Lincoln O-103c.jpg|thumb|I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a [[flower]] where I thought a flower would [[grow]].]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln Brady CDV O-86 January 8, 1864.JPG|thumb|I am not bound to [[win]], but I am bound to be [[true]]. I am not bound to [[succeed]], but I am bound to live up to the [[light]] I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right — stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes [[wrong]].]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln seated, Feb 9, 1864.jpg|thumb|As I would not be a [[slave]], so I would not be a master. This expresses my [[idea]] of [[democracy]]. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.]]
[[File:Thure de Thulstrup - Battle of Shiloh.jpg|thumb|I know there is a [[God]], and that He hates injustice and [[slavery]]. I see the [[storm]] coming, and I know that His [[hand]] is in it. If He has a place and [[work]] for me — and I think He has — I [[believe]] I am ready. I am [[nothing]], but [[truth]] is everything. I know I am right because I know that [[liberty]] is right, for [[Christ]] [[teaches]] it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and [[reason]] say the same; and they will find it so...]]
[[File:The Gallant Charge of the Fifty-Fourth Massachusetts Colored Regiment (1863), Currier and Ives.jpg|thumb|Without the [[military]] [[help]] of the black freedman, [[American Civil War|the war against the South]] could not have been won.]]

* Dear Sir: Yours of the tenth received. I am well acquainted with Mr. __, and know his characteristics. First of all, he has a wife and baby; together they ought to be worth $50,000 to any man. Then he has an office, in which there will be a table worth $1.50, and three chairs worth, say, $1. Last of all, there is in one corner a rat-hole which will bear looking into.
** Attributed at an unspecified date when Lincoln was a young lawyer, apparently first reported in the ''Prairie Farmer'' (March 13, 1886), Volume 58, p. 176. The quote, taken as a whole, has been explained to mean that Lincoln was giving a negative character reference, implying that the subject of that reference was not financially stable, and prone to let details slip.

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
** Attributed in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124&amp;dq=%22What+must+he+think+of+us%22 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

* '''I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.'''
** Noah Brooks, scribe for the ''Sacramento Union'', writing in the ''Harper’s Weekly'' for July 1865, 3 months after Lincoln had died, reported that the Lincoln once said this, at an unspecified date; as reported in[http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/08/did-abraham-lincoln-actually-say-that-obama-quote.html &quot;Did Abraham Lincoln Actually Say That Obama Quote?&quot; by James M. Cornelius, ''The Daily Beast'' (9 August 2012)]

* The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
** Conversation with private secretary John Hay (23 December 1863), describing a dream Lincoln had that evening, in ''Abraham Lincoln : A History'' (1890) by John Hay

* Without the military help of the black freedman, [[American Civil War|the war against the South]] could not have been won.
**As quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=8-dtOwigLNIC&amp;pg=PA8&amp;dq=freedman ''Freedom's Unfinished Revolution: An Inquiry Into the Civil War''], by William Friedheim and Ronald Jackson. 

* I cannot bring myself to believe that any human being lives who would do me any harm.
** Remark to Gen. Edward H. Ripley (5 April 1865), recalled during [http://books.google.com/books?id=1OoSAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA353&amp;dq=believe Ripley's speech] at the 41st annual meeting of the Reunion Society of Vermont Officers (1 November 1904)

* The measures provided at your last session for the removal of certain Indian tribes have been carried into effect. Sundry treaties have been negotiated, which will in due time be submitted for the constitutional action of the Senate. They contain stipulations for extinguishing the possessory rights of the Indians to large and valuable tracts of lands. It is hoped that the effect of these treaties will result in the establishment of permanent friendly relations with such of these tribes as have been brought into frequent and bloody collision with our outlying settlements and emigrants. '''Sound policy and our imperative duty to these wards of the Government demand our anxious and constant attention to their material well-being, to their progress in the arts of civilization, and, above all, to that moral training which under the blessing of Divine Providence will confer upon them the elevated and sanctifying influences, the hopes and consolations, of the Christian faith.''' I suggested in my last annual message the propriety of remodeling our Indian system. Subsequent events have satisfied me of its necessity. The details set forth in the report of the Secretary evince the urgent need for immediate legislative action.
** Lincoln's Annual Message (9 December 1863), published in the [http://books.google.es/books?id=bKAFAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA30&amp;q=influences ''Journal of the House of Representatives : First Session of the Thirty-eighth Congress '' (1863), p. 30], United States Congressional Serial set, N° 1179

* '''All that I am, or [[hope]] to be, I owe to my [[angel]] mother.'''
** Attributed in ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866) by Josiah G. Holland, p. 23; also in ''The Real Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1867) by George Alfred Townsend, p. 6; according to Townsend, Lincoln made this remark to his law partner, William Herndon. It is disputed whether this quote refers to Lincoln's natural mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, who died when he was nine years old, or to his stepmother, Sarah Bush (Johnston) Lincoln.

* '''I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me — and I think He has — I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God.''' I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. [[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but '''God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated'''; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
** Anecdote recorded as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman in the Autumn of 1860, in ''Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866) by [[w:Josiah Gilbert Holland|Josiah Gilbert Holland]], Chapter XVI, p. 287&lt;!-- University of Nebraska Press --&gt;

* '''If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business.''' I do the very best I know how — the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. '''If the end brings me out all right, what's said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.'''
** As quoted in ''The Life and Public Service of Abraham Lincoln'' (1865) by Henry J. Raymond

*'''Well, I cannot run the political machine; I have enough on my hands without ''that''. It is the ''people's'' business, - the election is in their hands. If they turn their backs to the fire, and get ''scorched'' in the rear, they'll find they have got to ’''sit'' ’ on the ’blister’!'''
** Attributed by Francis Bicknell Carpenter, reporting what a &quot;friend, the private secretary of a cabinet minister&quot;, told him about a conversation with Lincoln, whom the friend had met alone in the White House in August 1864. ''Six Months at the White House with Abraham Lincoln. The Story of a Picture.'' New York 1866, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Ny0OAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA275&amp;dq=blister p. 275] 

* '''It's my experience that folks who have no vices have generally very few virtues.'''
** According to ''The Inner Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1867) by F. B. Carpenter, Lincoln quoted this as having been said to him by a fellow-passenger in a stagecoach. See also &quot;Washington during the War&quot;, ''Macmillan's Magazine'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=rB4AAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA24&amp;dq=folks 6:24] (May 1862)

* What is to be, will be, and no prayers of ours can arrest the decree.
** As quoted in ''The World's Sages, Thinkers and Reformers'' (1876) by D. M. Bennett

* '''Perhaps a man's character was like a tree, and his reputation like its shadow; the shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Lincoln's Imagination&quot; by Noah Brooks, in [http://books.google.com/books?id=jOoGAQAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA586 ''Scribner's Monthly'' (August 1879), p. 586]

* '''I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.'''
** Attributed in ''Lincoln Memorial'' (1882) edited by Osborn Oldroyd

* All through life, be sure and put your feet in the right place, and then stand firm.
** As recalled by Rebecca R. Pomroy in ''Echoes from hospital and White House'' (1884), by Anna L. Boyden, [http://books.google.com/books?id=7LZiAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA61&amp;dq=feet p. 61]

* Well, for people that like that sort of thing, I think it is just about the sort of thing they would like.
** Attributed to &quot;an American President&quot; in Ármin Vámbéry (1884), ''All the Year Round''. It more likely originates in a spoof testimonial that [[w:Charles Farrar Browne|Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne)]] wrote in an advertisement in 1863:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
&lt;p&gt;I have never heard any of your lectures, but from what I can learn I should say that for people who like the kind of lectures you deliver, they are just the kind of lectures such people like.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yours respectfully,&lt;br /&gt;O. Abe&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
&lt;!-- According to David C. Mearns, Lincoln Herald 67:102 (Summer 1965), such an
advertisement appears in the Norfolk County Journal of Roxbury, Massachusetts, on November 7, 1863. See also
John J. Pullen &quot;Who Wrote 'The World's Best Book Review'&quot;?,
New England Quarterly, 59:252-259 (Jun., 1986)
http://www.jstor.org/stable/365681--&gt;

* Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.
** As quoted in ''Excellent Quotations for Home and School'' (1888) by Julia B. Hoitt, p. 97; no attribution of this phrase to any existing Lincoln document could be located.

* '''When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.'''
** Quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA439&amp;dq=%22when+i+do+good+i+feel+good%22 3:439 ''Herndon's Lincoln'' (1890), p. 439]: ''Inasmuch as he was so often a candidate for public office Mr. Lincoln said as little about his religious code as possible, especially if he failed to coincide with the orthodox world. In illustration of his religious code I once heard him say that it was like that of an old man named Glenn, in Indiana, whom he heard speak at a church meeting, and who said: &quot;When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.&quot;''

* '''I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.'''
** Recalled in a letter from [[w:Joshua Fry Speed|Joshua Speed]] in [http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA527&amp;dq=%22plucked+a+thistle+and+planted+a+flower%22 ''Herndon's Lincoln'' (1890), p. 527]

* I do not consider that I have ever accomplished anything without God; and if it is His will that I must die by the hand of an assassin, I must be resigned. I must do my duty as I see it, and leave the rest with God.
** As quoted in ''Life on the Circuit with Lincoln'' (1892) by Henry Clay Witney

* I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
** As quoted in ''The Early Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1896) by Ida Tarbell

* So you're the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war!
** Comment on meeting [[w:Harriet Beecher Stowe|Harriet Beecher Stowe]], author of [[w:Uncle Tom's Cabin|Uncle Tom's Cabin]], according to Charles Edward Stowe, Lyman Beecher Stowe, &quot;How Mrs. Stowe wrote 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'&quot;, McClure's magazine [http://books.google.com/books?id=biAAAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA621&amp;dq=%22little+woman+who+wrote+the+book+that+made+this+great+war%22 36:621] (April 1911), with a footnote stating: &quot;Mr. Charles Edward Stowe, one of the authors of this article, accompanied his mother on this visit to Lincoln, and remembers the occasion distinctly.&quot;
** Variant: Her daughter was told that when the President heard her name he seized her hand, saying, &quot;'''Is this the little woman who made the great war'''?&quot;
*** Annie Fields, &quot;Days with Mrs. Stowe&quot;, Atlantic Monthly [http://books.google.com/books?id=8F0CAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA148&amp;dq=%22Is+this+the+little+woman+who+made+the+great+war%22 7:148] (August 1896)
** Variant: So you are the little woman who caused this great war!

* I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how he could look up into the heavens and say there is no God.
** Recollection by Gilbert J. Greene, quoted in ''The Speaking Oak'' (1902) by Ferdinand C. Iglehart and ''Latest Light on Abraham Lincoln'' (1917) by Ervin S. Chapman

* '''I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right — stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes wrong.'''
** Reported as an inscription quoting Lincoln in an English college in ''The Baptist Teacher for Sunday-school Workers'' : Vol. 36 (August 1905), p. 483. The portion beginning with &quot;stand with anybody...&quot; is from the 16 October 1854 Peoria speech.. &lt;!-- also quoted in ''The Friend'' Vo. 79, No. 7 (26 August 1906) --&gt;

* '''As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.'''
** Written speech fragment presented by to the Chicago Veterans Druggist's Association in 1906 by Judge James B. Bradwell, who claimed to have received it from Mary Todd Lincoln. ''Collected Works'', [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;view=text;idno=lincoln2;rgn=div1;node=lincoln2%3A547 2:532]

* He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
** Attributed in ''Lincoln the Lawyer'' (1906) by Frederick Trevor Hill — Hill noted that he could find no record of whom Lincoln was insulting.

* I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
** Included in ''Portrait-Life of Lincoln'' (1910) by Francis T Miller

*I never tire of reading [[w:Thomas Paine|Tom Paine]].
**As quoted in A Literary History of the American People‎ (1931) by Charles Angoff, p. 270

{{Disputed begin}}

== Attributed ==
&lt;small&gt;''Attributed: Quotes found in a ''reputable'' secondary source but not sourced to an original work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- [[File:Storming the castle (1860 election).jpg|thumb|Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?]] --&gt;
&lt;div id=&quot;I_do_love_Jesus&quot;&gt;

* Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.
** This quote is not found in the various Lincoln sources which can be searched online (e.g. Gutenberg). Niether does Lincoln appear more generally to use the phrase &quot;making up {one's} mind&quot;. The saying was first quoted, ascribed to Lincoln but with no source given, in 1914 by [[Frank Crane]]&lt;ref&gt;https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/10/20/happy-minds/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CPeople%20are%20about%20as%20happy,up%20their%20minds%20to%20be.%E2%80%9D&amp;text=Remember%20Lincoln's%20saying%20that%20%E2%80%9Cfolks,up%20their%20minds%20to%20be.%E2%80%9D&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;Curiously in later books Crane, e.g. Four Minute Essays, 1919, Adventures in Common Sense, 1920, &quot;21&quot;, 1930, Crane mentions other routes to happiness and does not again use this quote.&lt;/ref&gt; and several times subsequently by him in altered versions. It was later quoted in ''How to Get What You Want'' (1917) by [[Orison Swett Marden]] (Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1917), 74, again without source.&lt;ref&gt; Marden used a great many quotes in his writings, without giving sources. Whilst sources for many of the quotes can be found, this is not true for all. For instance he mentions another story in which Lincoln says &quot;Madam, you have not a peg to hang your case on&quot;; this also does not seem to found in Lincoln sources.&lt;/ref&gt; Alternative versions quoted are: &quot;I have found that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be&quot; and &quot;People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.&quot;

* After the failure of his first experimental explorations around Vicksburg, a committee of abolition war managers waited upon the President and demanded [[Ulysses S. Grant|the General]]’s removal, on the false charge that he was a whiskey drinker, and little better than a common drunkard. “Ah!” exclaimed Honest Old Abe, “you surprise me, gentlemen. But can you tell me where he gets his whiskey?” “We cannot, Mr. President. But why do you desire to know?” “Because, if I can only find out, I will send a barrel of this wonderful whiskey to every general in the army.”
** Statement first attributed in the ''New York Herald'', (September 18, 1863) in response to allegations his most successful general drank too much; as quoted in ''Wit and Wisdom of the American Presidents: A Book of Quotations'' (2000) by Joslyn T. Pine, p. 26. 
** When some one charged Gen. Grant, in the President’s hearing, with drinking too much liquor, Mr. Lincoln, recalling Gen. Grant’s successes, said that if he could find out what brand of whisky Grant drank, he would send a barrel of it to all the other commanders.
*** ''The New York Times'', October 30, 1863 
** Major Eckert asked Mr. Lincoln if the story of his interview with the complainant against General Grant was true. The story was: a growler called on the President and complained bitterly of General Grant’s drunkenness. The President inquired very solicitously, if the man could tell him where the General got his liquor. The man really was very sorry but couldn’t say where he did get it. The President replied that he would like very much to find out so he could get a quantity of it and send a barrel to all his Major Generals. Mr. Lincoln said he had heard the story before and it would be very good if he had said it, but he did not, and he supposed it was charged to him to give it currency. He then said the original of this story was in King George’s time. Bitter complaints were made to the King against his General Wolfe in which it was charged that he was mad. “Well,” said the King, “I wish he would bite some of my other Generals then.
*** Authenticity of quote first refuted in “The Military Telegraph During the Civil War in the United States” by William R. Plum, (1882). 

* When I left Springfield I asked the people to pray for me. I was not a Christian. When I buried my son, the severest trial of my life, I was not a Christian. But when I went to Gettysburg and saw the graves of thousands of our soldiers, I then and there consecrated myself to Christ. Yes, I ''do'' love Jesus.
** This anecdote apparently dates from [[Talk:Abraham Lincoln#I do love Jesus|1864 Massachusetts Sunday School Teachers' Convention]].
** This has been portrayed to have been Lincoln's &quot;reply&quot; to an unnamed Illinois clergyman when asked if he loved [[Jesus]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=pX5DEhCM9M0C&amp;pg=RA10-PA366&amp;lpg=RA10-PA366&amp;dq=%22and+saw+the+graves+of+thousands+of+our+soldiers%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=Alddnu8KL8&amp;sig=IhhhPHp6tuB7FoiRI8c71w5NUH4#PRA10-PA365,M1 ''The Lincoln Memorial Album — Immortelles'' (1882) edited by Osborn H. Oldroyd [New York: G.W. Carleton &amp; Co. p. 366]
*** This incident must have appeared in print immediately after Lincoln's death, for I find it quoted in memorial addresses of May, 1865. Mr Oldroyd has endeavored to learn for me in what paper he found it and on whose authority it rests, but without result. He does not remember where he found it. It is inherently improbable, and rests on no adequate testimony. It ought to be wholly disregarded. The earliest reference I have found to the story in which Lincoln is alleged to have said to an unnamed Illinois minister, &quot;I do love Jesus&quot; is in a sermon preached in the Baptist Church of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, April 19, 1865, by Rev. W. W. Whitcomb, which was published in the Oshkosh ''Northwestern'', April 21, 1865, and in 1907 issued in pamphlet form by John E. Burton.
**** William Eleazar Barton (1920) ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=UDEOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=RA1-PA208&amp;lpg=RA1-PA208&amp;dq=%22and+saw+the+graves+of+thousands+of+our+soldiers%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=kDphIXKsy-&amp;sig=GclPy5wecnvSuGHYO2R1bhb6lUQ The Soul of Abraham Lincoln]''. Further discussion appears in ''They Never Said It'' (1989) by Paul F. Boller &amp; John George, p. 91.
&lt;/div&gt;

* You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
** This is probably the most famous of apparently apocryphal remarks attributed to Lincoln. Despite it being cited variously as from an 1856 speech, or a September 1858 speech in Clinton, Illinois, there are no known contemporary records or accounts substantiating that he ever made the statement. The earliest known appearance is October 29, 1886 in the [http://anotherhistoryblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/fooling-people-earlier.html ''Milwaukee Daily Journal'']. It later appeared in the ''New York Times'' on [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F30817FF3E5413738DDDAF0A94D0405B8784F0D3 August 26] and [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F00E15FF3E5413738DDDAE0A94D0405B8784F0D3 August 27], 1887. The saying was repeated several times in newspaper editorials later in 1887. In 1888 and, especially, 1889, the saying became commonplace, used in speeches, advertisements, and on portraits of Lincoln. In 1905 and later, there were attempts to find contemporaries of Lincoln who could recall Lincoln saying this. Historians have not, generally, found these accounts convincing. For more information see two articles in ''For the People: A Newsletter of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', &quot;'You Can Fool All of the People' Lincoln Never Said That&quot;, by Thomas F. Schwartz ([http://abrahamlincolnassociation.org/Newsletters/5-4.pdf V. 5, #4, Winter 2003, p. 1]) and &quot;A New Look at 'You Can Fool All of the People'&quot; by David B. Parker ([http://abrahamlincolnassociation.org/Newsletters/7-3.pdf V. 7, #3, Autumn 2005, p. 1]); also the [[Talk:Abraham_Lincoln#Fool_some_of_the_people|talk page]]. The statement has also sometimes been attributed to [[P. T. Barnum]], although no references to this have been found from the nineteenth century.
** Variants:
*** You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
*** You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
*** You can fool all the people some time, you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can not fool all the people all the time.&lt;!-- 1886-07-05 Springfield Globe-Republic, p. 1; see talk page --&gt;

* The people will save their government, if the government itself will allow them.
** This quote is incorrectly quoted from [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3508 Lincoln's Address to Congress on July 4, 1861], in which Lincoln outlined the events that had led to the American Civil War and his views on the nature of the rebellion by the southern slave states. To suppress the rebellion Lincoln said that Congress must &quot;give the legal means for making this contest a short and a decisive one; that you place at the control of the Government for the work at least 400,000 men and $400,000,000.&quot; And Lincoln remarked further: &quot;A right result at this time will be worth more to the world than ten times the men and ten times the money. The evidence reaching us from the country leaves no doubt that the material for the work is abundant, and that it needs only the hand of legislation to give it legal sanction and the hand of the Executive to give it practical shape and efficiency. One of the greatest perplexities of the Government is to avoid receiving troops faster than it can provide for them. In a word, '''the people will save their Government if the Government itself will do its part only indifferently well'''&quot;.

* We, the People are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts — not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow men who pervert the Constitution.
** Lincoln never said these words, but wrote and said some that are very similar to the above quote. As Lincoln's popularity within the Republican Party grew, he was invited to address members of his party throughout the nation. In September 1859 Lincoln gave several speeches to Ohio Republicans. The notes Lincoln used for his 1859 engagements state: &quot;We must not disturb slavery in the states where it exists, because the Constitution, and the peace of the country both forbid us — We must not withhold an efficient fugitive slave law, because the constitution demands it — But we must, by a national policy, prevent the spread of slavery into new territories, or free states, because the constitution does not forbid us, and the general welfare does demand such prevention — We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, because the constitution does not forbid us, and the general welfare does require the prevention — We must prevent these things being done, by either congresses or courts — The people — '''the people — are the rightful masters of both Congresses, and courts — not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert it''' —&quot; Source: [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mal:@field(DOCID+@lit(d0189300))#I379 Abraham Lincoln [September 16-17, 1859&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;] [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mal&amp;fileName=mal1/018/0189300/malpage.db&amp;recNum=1 (Notes for Speech in Kansas and Ohio)] in &quot;Abraham Lincoln Papers at the Library of Congress. Series 1. General Correspondence. 1833-1916.&quot; Transcribed and Annotated by the Lincoln Studies Center, Knox College. Galesburg, Illinois.
** Lincoln transformed his prior quoted notes in the following words: &quot;I say that we must not interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists, because the Constitution forbids it, and the general welfare does not require us to do so. We must not withhold an efficient Fugitive Slave law, because the Constitution requires us, as I understand it, not to withhold such a law. But we must prevent the outspreading of the institution, because neither the Constitution nor general welfare requires us to extend it. We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, and the enacting by Congress of a Territorial slave code. We must prevent each of these things being done by either Congresses or courts. '''The people of these United States are the rightful masters of both Congresses and courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.'''&quot; Source: [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm#2H_4_0043 Speech at Cincinnati, Ohio, September 17, 1859]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, by Abraham Lincoln]&quot; (2009) by Project Gutenberg.

* &lt;!-- When Lincoln was accused of treating his opponents with too much courtesy and kindness, and when it was pointed out to him that his whole duty was to destroy them, he answered : --&gt; '''Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?'''
** His response when &quot;accused of treating his opponents with too much courtesy and kindness, and when it was pointed out to him that his whole duty was to destroy them&quot;, as quoted in ''More New Testament Words'' (1958) by [[w:William Barclay (theologian)|William Barclay]]; either this anecdote or Lincoln's reply may have been adapted from a reply attributed to [[w:Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor|Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund]]:
::* Some courtiers reproached the Emperor Sigismond that, instead of destroying his conquered foes, he admitted them to favour. “Do I not,” replied the illustrious monarch, “effectually destroy my enemies, when I make them my friends?”
:::* [http://books.google.de/books?id=aW0EAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA123&amp;dq=destroy &quot;Daily Facts&quot; in ''The Family Magazine'' Vol. IV (1837), p. 123]; also quoted as simply in &quot;Do I not effectually destroy my enemies, in making them my friends?&quot; in ''The Sociable Story-teller'' (1846)

* A child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started. He is going to sit where you are sitting, and when you are gone; attend to those things, which you think are important. You may adopt all policies you please, but how they are carried out depends on him. He will assume control of your cities, states and nations. All your books are going to be judged, praised or condemned by him. The fate of humanity is in his hands. So it might be well to pay him some attention.
** The origins of this quote are unknown. At least two sources can be traced back, but these sources date back to the 1940 years; long time after Lincon's death.
** ''Source 1'': The 2003 &quot;Masonic Historiology&quot; from Allotter J. McKowe contains on page 55 (page 55 is dated on Jan. 11, 1944) the poem &quot;[http://books.google.de/books?id=K5CHWRttt-gC&amp;pg=PA55&amp;dq=desk What Is a Boy?]&quot; from an unknown author. The poem reads:
::: He is a person who is going to carry on what you have started.
::: He is to sit right where you are sitting and attend when you are gone to those things you think are so important.
::: You may adopt all the policies you please, but how they will be carried out depends on him.
::: Even if you make leagues and treaties, he will have to manage them.
::: He is going to sit at your desk in the Senate, and occupy your place on the Supreme Bench.
::: He will assume control of your cities, states and nations.
::: He is going to move in and take over your prisons, churches, schools, universities and corporations.
::: All your work is going to be judged and praised or condemned by him.
::: Your reputation and your future are in his hands.
::: All you work is for him, and the fate of the nations and of humanity is in his hands.[http://www.quotesaboutlifee.com/2012/04/best-quotes-on-life-best-sayings-on.html Quotes about life]
::: So it might be well to pay him some attention.
:* ''Source 2'': The newspaper &quot;The Florence Times&quot; from Florence, Alabama (Volume 72 - Number 120) contains in its Wednesday afternoon edition from October 30, 1940 a statement from a Dr. Frank Crane. The entitled [http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1842&amp;dat=19401030&amp;id=yx8sAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=I7oEAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=3738,3720511 &quot;What is a Boy?&quot; statement] reads:

* As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is destroyed. I feel at the moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of the war. God grant that my suspicions should prove groundless.
** November 21, 1864, as cited in ''Lincoln's Words on Living Questions: A Collection of All the Recorded Utterances of Abraham Lincoln Bearing Upon the Questions of Today'' (1900), p. 133
*** A different wording of the same statement appears in ''The Conflict of the Ages: The Civic, Social and Economic Problem Analyzed, and a Remedy Suggested'' (1907), p. 15:
**** As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in the hands of the few and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of the rebellion.
*** &quot;Corporations have been enthroned, and an era of corruption in high places will follow,&quot; is identified as a &quot;Fake Lincoln quote&quot; by Thomas DiLorenzo in ''Lincoln Unmasked: What You're Not Supposed to Know About Dishonest Abe'' (Crown Publishing Group: 2009), p. 31

* The money power preys upon the nation in times of peace, and it conspires against it in times of adversity. It's more despotic than monarchy. It's more insolent than autocracy. It's more selfish than bureaucracy. ... Corporations have been enthroned, and an era of corruption in high places will follow.
** &quot;Fake Lincoln Quotes&quot; in Thomas DiLorenzo, ''Lincoln Unmasked: What You're Not Supposed to Know About Dishonest Abe'' (Crown Publishing Group: 2009), p. 31

* '''I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.'''
** As quoted in ''Costs of Administering Reparation for Work Injuries in Illinois '' (1952) by Alfred Fletcher Conard; also in ''Residence Laws : Road Block to Human Welfare, a Symposium'' (1956), p. 28
** Variant:
**I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.
***As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100716212616/http://www.today.colostate.edu/story.aspx?id=546 &quot;Wisdom of a forefather&quot;] (11 February 2009), ''Colorado State University''

=== [[w:The Suicide's Soliloquy|The Suicide's Soliloquy]] (1838) ===
* &lt;small&gt; [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;The Suicide's Soliloquy,&quot; published in the ''Sangamo Journal'' (25 August 1838)]; there is no consensus among historians whether or not this poem was written by Lincoln.&lt;/small&gt; 

&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;poem&gt;Here, where the lonely hooting owl
Sends forth his midnight moans,
Fierce wolves shall o'er my carcase growl,
Or buzzards pick my bones.

No fellow-man shall learn my fate,
Or where my ashes lie;
Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,
Or by the ravens' cry.

Yes! I've resolved the deed to do,
And this the place to do it:
This heart I'll rush a dagger through,
Though I in hell should rue it!

Hell! What is hell to one like me
Who pleasures never knew;
By friends consigned to misery,
By hope deserted too?

To ease me of this power to think,
That through my bosom raves,
I'll headlong leap from hell's high brink,
And wallow in its waves.

Though devils yell, and burning chains
May waken long regret;
Their frightful screams, and piercing pains,
Will help me to forget.

Yes! I'm prepared, through endless night,
To take that fiery berth!
Think not with tales of hell to fright
Me, who am damn'd on earth!

Sweet steel! come forth from your sheath,
And glist'ning, speak your powers;
Rip up the organs of my breath,
And draw my blood in showers!

I strike! It quivers in that heart
Which drives me to this end;
I draw and kiss the bloody dart,
My last — my only friend!&lt;/poem&gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;

{{Disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
&lt;small&gt;''Misattributed: Quotes widely associated with an author or work but sourced to another author or work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''&lt;/small&gt;

*Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.
**Alledgedly from a speech to the Illinois House of Representatives (18 December 1840) its called &quot;a remarkable piece of spurious Lincolniana&quot; by Merrill D. Peterson: ''Lincoln in American Memory''. Oxford UP 1995, [https://books.google.de/books?id=EADk9ZIMJXEC&amp;q=prohibitory#v=page books.google]. Cf.''Spurious'' [https://archive.org/details/abrahamlincolnqulinc_41 archive.org] and Harry Miller Lydenberg: ''Lincoln and Prohibition, Blazes on a Zigzag Trail.'' Proceedings Of The American Antiquarian Society, No. 1/1952 [http://www.americanantiquarian.org/proceedings/44807229.pdf pdf]. 

* He only has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.
** Original quote from [[William Penn]] (1693): ''They have a Right to censure, that have a Heart to help: The rest is Cruelty, not Justice''.

* It will not do to investigate the subject of religion too closely, as it is apt to lead to Infidelity.
** Claimed by atheist Franklin Steiner, on p. 144 of one of his books to have appeared in ''Manford's Magazine'' but he never gives a year of publication.

* I hope to have God on my side, but I must have Kentucky!
** See, for example, Albert D. Richardson (1865), ''The Secret Service, the Field, the Dungeon, and the Escape''. The quotation is based on a comment by Rev. [[w:Moncure D. Conway|Moncure D. Conway]] about the progress of the Civil War.
*** It is evident that the worthy President would like to have God on his side: he must have Kentucky.
**** Moncure D. Conway (1862), ''The Golden Hour''

* To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.
** Sometimes attributed to Lincoln since a 1950 speech of [[w:Douglas MacArthur|Douglas MacArthur]] citing him as its author, this is actually from a poem by [[w:Ella Wheeler Wilcox|Ella Wheeler Wilcox]].

* My earlier views on the unsoundness of the Christian scheme of salvation and the human origin of the scriptures have become clearer and stronger with advancing years, and I see no reason for thinking I shall ever change them.
** Letter to [[w:John Allen Wakefield|Judge J. A. Wakefield]], after the death of Lincoln's son [[w:William Wallace Lincoln|Willie]] in 1862, as cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: was he a Christian?'' (1893), [http://books.google.com/books?id=x8BHAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA292&amp;dq=%22unsoundness+of+the+Christian+scheme%22 p. 292], by John Eleazer Remsburg. Historian Merrill Daniel Peterson states in ''Lincoln in American Memory'' (1994), [http://books.google.com/books?id=D_FjY_ARcGoC&amp;lpg=PA227&amp;vq=%22Judge%20J.%20A.%20Wakefield%22&amp;pg=PA227 p. 227], that the letter has never actually been produced to verify the statement and that there's no correspondence with Wakefield noted in the ''Collected Works''.

* America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
** First attributed to Lincoln in 2002, this seems a paraphrase of a statement in the Lyceum address of 1838, while incorporating language used by [[w:Thomas E. Dewey|Thomas E. Dewey]] (c. 1944), who said &quot;By the same token labor unions can never be destroyed from the outside. They can only fail if they fail to lend their united support to full production in a free society&quot;.

* Now, I say to you, my fellow-citizens, that in my opinion the signers of the Declaration had no reference to the negro whatever when they declared all men to be created equal. They desired to express by that phrase, white men, men of European birth and European descent, and had no reference either to the negro, the savage Indians, the Fejee, the Malay, or any other inferior and degraded race, when they spoke of the equality of men. One great evidence that such was their understanding, is to be found in the fact that at that time every one of the thirteen colonies was a slaveholding colony, every signer of the Declaration represented a slave-holding constituency, and we know that no one of them emancipated his slaves, much less offered citizenship to them when they signed the Declaration, and yet, if they had intended to declare that the negro was the equal of the white man, and entitled by divine right to an equality with him, they were bound, as honest men, that day and hour to have put their negroes on an equality with themselves.
** Attributed at a few sites to a debate in Peoria, Illinois with [[Stephen Douglas]] on 16 October 1858. No historical record of such a debate actually exists, though there was a famous set of speeches by both in Peoria on 16 October 1854, but [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=cleaver;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2%3A282 transcripts of Lincoln's speech] on that date do not indicate that he made such a statement. It in fact comes from a speech made by Douglas in the [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=fejee;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln3;node=lincoln3%3A17 third debate] ''against'' Lincoln at Jonesboro, Illinois on 15 September 1858.

* As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war. God grant that my suspicions may prove groundless.
** [http://www.ratical.org/corporations/Lincoln.html Purportedly in a letter to Colonel William F. Elkins (21 November 1864)] after the passage of the National Bank Act (3 June 1864), these remarks were attributed to Lincoln as early as 1887 but were denounced by [[w:John Nicolay|John Nicolay]], Lincoln's private secretary and biographer.
*** [[w:Knights of Labor|Knights of Labor]], &quot;What Will The Future Bring,&quot; ''Journal of United Labor'', Vol 8, no. 20, Nov. 19, 1887, pg. 2.
*** Nicolay: &quot;This alleged quotation from Mr. Lincoln is a bald, unblushing forgery. The great President never said it or wrote it, and never said or wrote anything that by the utmost license could be distorted to resemble it.&quot;
****[http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9C0DEFDE133BEE33A25750C0A9669D94679ED7CF &quot;A Popocratic Forgery&quot; in ''The New York Times'' (3 October 1898), p. 1]
** {{anchor|moneypowers}}The money powers prey upon the nation in times of peace and conspire against it in times of diversity. It is more despotic then monarchy. More insolent than autocracy. More selfish then bureaucracy. I see the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. Corporations have been enthroned. An era of corruption will follow and the money power of the country, will endeavor to prolong it's reign by working upon the prejudices of the people. Until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.
*** A variant cited to ''The Lincoln Encyclopedia'' (1950) by Archer H. Shaw, p. 40, a collection of Lincoln quotations or attributions which has been criticized for including dubious material and known forgeries.
** I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war.
*** An additional last line is included in David McGowan's ''Derailing Democracy: The America The Media Don't Want You To See'', p.33.
** The money power preys upon the nation in times of peace and conspires against it in times of adversity. It is more despotic than a monarchy, more insolent than autocracy, more selfish than bureaucracy. It denounces, as public enemies, all who question its methods or throw light upon its crimes.
*** A corruption of remarks by [[William Jennings Bryan]] at Madison Square Garden (30 August 1906)

* I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. Be honest, but hate no one; overturn a man's wrongdoing, but do not overturn him unless it must be done in overturning the wrong. Stand with a man while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.
** The last sentence is from the 16 October 1854 Peoria speech, slightly paraphrased. No known contemporary source for the rest. It first appears, attributed to Lincoln, in US religious/inspirational journals in 1907-8, such as p123, ''Friends Intelligencer: a religious and family journal'', Volume 65, Issue 8 (1908)

* Any nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure.
** Not ''by'' Lincoln, this is apparently paraphrased from remarks ''about'' honoring him by Hugh Gordon Miller: &quot;I do not believe in forever dragging over or raking up some phases of the past; in some respects the dead past might better be allowed to bury its dead, but the nation which fails to honor its heroes, the memory of its heroes, whether those heroes be living or dead, does not deserve to live, and it will not live, and so it came to pass that in 1909 nearly a hundred millions of people [...] were singing the praises of Abraham Lincoln.&quot; — from [http://www.archive.org/details/reportsons00sonsuoft &quot;Lincoln, the Preserver of the Union&quot; (22 February 1911), an address to the Sons of the Revolution in the State of New York.

* You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatreds. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
** Actually a statement by [[w:William J. H. Boetcker|William J. H. Boetcker]] known as &quot;The Ten Cannots&quot; (1916), this has often been misattributed to Lincoln since 1942 when a leaflet containing quotes by both men was published.

* There is no room for two distinct races of white men in America, much less for two distinct races of whites and blacks. I can conceive of no greater calamity than the assimilation of the Negro into our social and political life as an equal... Within twenty years we can peacefully colonize the Negro in the tropics and give him our language, literature, religion, and system of government under conditions in which he can rise to the full measure of manhood. This he can never do here. We can never attain the ideal Union our fathers dreamed, with millions of an alien, inferior race among us, whose assimilation is neither possible nor desirable.
** This is from a fictional speech by Lincoln which occurs in ''The Clansman : An Historical Romance of the Ku Klux Klan'' (1905) by [[w:Thomas Dixon, Jr.|Thomas Dixon, Jr.]]. On some sites this has been declared to be something Lincoln said &quot;soon after signing&quot; the Emancipation Proclamation, but without any date or other indications of to whom it was stated, and there are no actual historical records of Lincoln ever saying this.

* Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged.
** This was the lead sentence in an article &quot;Democrats Usher in An Age of Treason&quot; by conservative author J. Michael Waller in ''Insight'' magazine (23 December 2003) which a copyeditor (http://www.factcheck.org/misquoting_lincoln.html) mistakenly put quotation marks around, making it seem a quote of Lincoln.

* If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.
** This is attributed to Lincoln in the 1960 film adaptation of ''Pollyanna''. In reality, it was fabricated by screenwriter and director [[w:David Swift (director)|David Swift]], who had to have thousands of lockets bearing the false inscription recalled after Disney began selling them at [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]].

* Money is the creature of law and creation of the original issue of money should be maintained as an exclusive monopoly of national government.… Democracy will rise superior to Money Power.
** These remarks in support of a government-regulated money supply were written by [[w:Gerald Grattan McGeer|Gerry McGeer]], who presented them as his interpretation of what Lincoln believed. {{cite book
 | last = McGeer
 | first = Gerald Grattan
 | authorlink =w:Gerald Grattan McGeer
 | title = The Conquest of Poverty
 | chapter = 5 - Lincoln, Practical Economist
 | url = http://heritech.com/pridger/lincoln/mcgeer/mcgeerv.htm
 | accessdate = 2009-07-29
 | year = 1935
 | publisher = Garden City Press
 | location = Gardenvale, Quebec
 | pages = 186ff
}}

* To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.
** Quoted in a Edith A. Sawyer (1899), ''Mary Cameron''

* If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
** Attributed in Evan Esar (1949), ''The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''

* I will study and get ready, and perhaps my chance will come.
** Attributed in Laura Haddock (1931), ''Steps Upward in Personality''

* I am not concerned that you fall; I am concerned that you arise.
** Attributed in Deborah Gillan Straub (1996), ''Native North American Voices''

* If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?
** Attributed in Jean Dresden Grambs (1959), ''Abraham Lincoln Through the Eyes of High School Youth''

* It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
** Variously attributed to Lincoln, [[Elbert Hubbard]], [[Mark Twain]], [[Benjamin Franklin]] and [[Socrates]]

* Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
** Attributed in Henry Louis Mencken (1942), ''A New Dictionary of Quotations''

* You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.
** Quoted in Herbert V. Prochnow (1955), ''Speaker's Book of Epigrams and Witticisms''

* The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it.
** Attributed in ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (1908) by [[Tryon Edwards]]; this is earlier attributed to [[Theodore Roosevelt]] in ''Life of William McKinley'' (1901) by Samuel Fallows, and could be derived from the remarks of [[Ulysses S. Grant]] in his First Inaugural Address (4 March 1869): &quot;I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution&quot;.

* The only person who is a worse liar than a faith healer is his patient.
** Quoted in Victor J. Stenger (1990), ''Physics and Psychics''

* I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
** Attributed to Lincoln in Mark Gold (1998), ''Animal century ''. Also attributed to [[w:Rowland Hill (preacher)|Rowland Hill]] in Henry Woodcock (1879), ''Wonders of Grace''

* You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
** Quoted in Vernon K. McLellan (2000) ''Wise Words and Quotes''

* Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
** Widely attributed to Lincoln, this appears to be derived from [[Thomas Carlyle]]'s general comment below, but there are similar quotes ''about'' Lincoln in his biographies.
*** '''Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity, there are a hundred that will stand adversity.'''
**** [[Thomas Carlyle]] (1841) ''On Heroes and Hero Worship''.
*** Any man can stand adversity — only a great man can stand prosperity.
**** [[w:Horatio Alger, Jr.|Horatio Alger]] (1883), ''Abraham Lincoln: The Backwoods Boy; or, How a Young Rail-Splitter became President''
*** Most people can bear adversity; but if you wish to know what a man really is give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never used it except on the side of mercy.
**** [[w:Robert G. Ingersoll|Robert G. Ingersoll]] (1883), Unity: Freedom, Fellowship and Character in Religion, Volume 11, Number 3, The Exchange Table, True Greatness Exemplified in Abraham Lincoln, by Robert G. Ingersoll (excerpt), Quote Page 55, Column 1 and 2, Chicago, Illinois. ([https://books.google.com/books?id=JUIrAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22man+really%22#v=snippet&amp; Google Books Full View])
*** If you want to discover just what there is in a man — give him power.
**** Francis Trevelyan Miller (1910), ''Portrait Life of Lincoln: Life of Abraham Lincoln, the Greatest American''
** Any man can handle adversity. If you truly want to test a man's character, give him power.
*** Attributed in the electronic game ''[[Infamous]]''

* And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
** This quote is often misattributed to Lincoln. The earliest instance that Quote Investigator could locate was &quot;in an advertisement in 1947 for a book about aging by Edward J. Stieglitz, M.D&quot;. The advertisement for “The Second Forty Years” which ran in the Chicago Tribune newspaper read like this: The important thing to you is not how many years in your life, but how much life in your years! (Compare 1947 March 16, Chicago Tribune, “How Long Do You Plan to Live?”, [Advertisement for the book &quot;The Second Forty Years&quot; by Edward J. Stieglitz, M.D.], p. C7, Chicago, Illinois. (ProQuest)). [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/14/life-years-count/ Source of misattribution: ''It’s Not the Years in Your Life That Count. It’s the Life in Your Years - Abraham Lincoln? Adlai Stevenson? Edward J. Stieglitz? Anonymous?'' by Quote Investigator on July 14, 2012]
*** To my way of thinking it is not the years in your life but the life in your years that count in the long run.
**** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], Address at Princeton University, [http://infoshare1.princeton.edu/libraries/firestone/rbsc/mudd/online_ex/stevenson/adlai1954.html &quot;The Educated Citizen&quot; (22 March 1954)]. This has also been paraphrased &quot;What matters most is not the years in your life, but the life in your years&quot; and misattributed to Abraham Lincoln and [[Mae West]].
*** Variant: It is not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts. 
**** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], &quot;If I Were Twenty-One&quot; in ''Coronet'' (December 1955).

* I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
** Misattributed to Lincoln by several authors since about 2000. Source of quote: General Douglas MacArthur is quoted as saying, &quot;Like Abraham Lincoln, I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts&quot; (John Gunther, ''The Riddle of MacArthur'', New York: Harper, 1950, p. 61). By the 1970s, the phrase is quoted in several places without the words &quot;Like Abraham Lincoln,&quot; and attributed directly to Lincoln. The additional phrase &quot;and beer&quot; first appears in a list of jokes published online in 1999.

* How many legs does a dog have, if you call a tail a leg?
**His collected works contain no riddle about dog legs, but George W. Julian recounts Lincoln using a similar story about a calf in ''Reminiscences of Abraham Lincoln by distinguished men of his time'' (1909), p. 241: &quot;There are strong reasons for saying that he doubted his right to emancipate under the war power, and he doubtless meant what he said when he compared an Executive order to that effect to 'the Pope’s Bull against the comet.' In discussing the question, he used to liken the case to that of the boy who, when asked how many legs his calf would have if he called its tail a leg, replied, 'Five,' to which the prompt response was made that calling the tail a leg would not make it a leg.&quot;
**A very similar riddle about cow legs was also circulated by Edward Josiah Stearns' ''Notes on Uncle Tom's Cabin'' (1853), p. 46: '&quot;Father,&quot; said one of the rising generation to his paternal progenitor, &quot;if I should call this cow's tail a leg, how many legs would she have?&quot; &quot;Why five, to be sure.&quot; &quot;Why, no, father; would calling it a leg make it one?&quot;'
{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Lincoln ==
[[File:Lee Surrenders to Grant at Appomattox.jpg|thumb|Under his rule, assisted by the greatest captain of our age, and his inspiration, we saw the Confederate States, based upon the idea that [[w:African American|our race]] must be [[Slavery|slaves]], and slaves forever, battered to pieces and scattered to the four winds. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]]
[[File:The Peacemakers 1868.jpg|thumb|What we see in the distance is a [[rainbow]] — a [[symbol]] of [[hope]], of the passing of the [[storm]]. The painting's name:''[[w: The Peacemakers|The Peacemakers]]'' … for me, this is a constant reassurance that the cause of [[peace]] will triumph and that ours can be the future that Lincoln gave his life for: a future free of both [[tyranny]] and [[fear]]. ~ [[George H. W. Bush]] ]]
[[File:SlaveChildrenUnknown.jpg|thumb|Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, walked through the streets of Richmond and respectfully lifted his hat to the men who blacked Louis Wigfall's boots and curried his horse. What did it mean? It meant that the truest American president we have ever had, the companion of Washington in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln second inaugural address.jpg|thumb|Lincoln's appeal to &quot;the better angels of our nature&quot; failed to avert a fratricidal war. But the compassionate wisdom of Lincoln's first and second inaugurals bequeathed to the Union, cemented with blood, a moral heritage which, when drawn upon in times of stress and strife, is sure to find specific ways and means to surmount difficulties that may appear to be insurmountable. ~ [[Felix Frankfurter]] ]]
[[File:LINCOLN, Abraham-President (BEP engraved portrait).jpg|thumb|Lincoln asked the nation to confront unblinkingly the legacy of slavery. What were the requirements of justice in the face of this reality? What would be necessary to enable former slaves and their descendants to enjoy fully the pursuit of happiness? Lincoln did not live to provide an answer. A century and a half later, we have yet to do so. ~ [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]] ]]
[[File:Lincoln with Inscription.jpg|thumb|Mr. Lincoln's words show that upon him anxiety and sorrow had wrought their true effect. The address gives evidence of a moral elevation most rare in a statesman, or indeed in any man. ~ [[William Gladstone]] ]]
[[File:Garibal.JPG|thumb|Posterity will call you the great emancipator, a more enviable title than any crown could be, and greater than any merely mundane treasure. ~ [[w:Giuseppe Garibaldi|Giuseppe Garibaldi]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance. ~ [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]]]]
[[File:AL1860.jpg|thumb|Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call! Oh aid of the slaves' liberation and roll on the liberty ball. We'll finish the temple of freedom, and make it capacious within. That all who seek shelter may find it, whatever the hue of their skin. Success to the old fashioned doctrine, that men are created all free, and down with the power of the despot, wherever his stronghold may be. They'll find what, by felling and mauling, our rail-maker statesman can do. For the people are everywhere calling, for Lincoln and Liberty too! ~ &quot;[[w:Lincoln and Liberty|Lincoln and Liberty]]&quot;]]
[[File:LincolnMemorialStatueNight.JPG|thumb|Now he belongs to the ages... ~ [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-55, 1861-crop.jpg|thumb|Abraham Lincoln — who of his own will struck the shackles from the limbs of four millions of people — will be honored thousands of years from now as man's name was never honored before. ~ [[David Dixon Porter]]]]
[[File:PinkertonLincolnMcClernand.jpg|thumb|It seldom helps to wonder how a statesman of one generation would surmount the crisis of another. A statesman deals with concrete difficulties — with things which must be done from day to day. Not often can he frame conscious patterns for the far off future. But the fullness of the stature of Lincoln's nature and the fundamental conflict which events forced upon his Presidency invite us ever to turn to him for help. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Lincoln burried in 1865.jpg|thumb|Through the years may we live by the wisdom and the humanity of the heart of Abraham Lincoln. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] ]]
[[File:Emancipation Day in South Carolina (1863), by Frank Leslie's Illustrated Weekly.png|thumb|Thank God for the iron in the blood of our fathers, the men who upheld the wisdom of Lincoln, and bore sword or rifle in the armies of Grant! Let us, the children of the men who proved themselves equal to the mighty days, let us, the children of the men who carried the great Civil War to a triumphant conclusion, praise the God of our fathers that the ignoble counsels of peace were rejected; that the suffering and loss, the blackness of sorrow and despair, were unflinchingly faced, and the years of strife endured; for in the end the slave was freed. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Battle of Gettysburg, by Currier and Ives.png|thumb|If there is not the war, you don't get the great general; if there is not a great occasion, you don't get the great statesman; if Lincoln had lived in times of peace, no one would have known his name now. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Lincoln assassination slide c1900.png|thumb|[[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] believed that he would gain political traction among racist Illinois voters, who were white, after all, by associating Lincoln with the cause of black equality. Lincoln's response was thus also an issue of political survival. So was his decision not to publicize his support for limited black suffrage in Louisiana in 1864. He advanced the idea in a private letter, but waited thirteen months until he made his sentiment public, and three days after he made that sentiment public, he fell victim to an assassin's bullet because [[w:John Wilkes Booth|that assassin]] [[Bigotry|could not bear the thought of]] black equality. ~ [[Brooks D. Simpson]]]]
[[File:Assassination of President Lincoln.jpg|thumb|That means nigger citizenship. Now, by God, I will put [[w:Abraham Lincoln|him]] through. That will be the last speech [[w:Abraham Lincoln|he]] will ever make. ~ [[w:John Wilkes Booth|John Wilkes Booth]]]]
[[File:Lincoln's Tomb.JPG|thumb|It never occurs to some politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting. ~ Anonymous]]
:&lt;small&gt;These are arranged alphabetically by author, followed by some of the more notable anonymous quotations about him.&lt;/small&gt;

* I did more for the [[Russia]]n serf in giving him land as well as personal liberty, than [[United States|America]] did for the negro slave set free by the proclamation of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln]]. I am at a loss to understand how you [[United States|Americans]] could have been so blind as to leave the negro slave without tools to work out his salvation. In giving him personal liberty, you have him an obligation to perform to the state which he must be unable to fulfill. Without property of any kind he cannot educate himself and his children. I believe the time must come when many will question the manner of American emancipation of the negro slaves in 1863. The vote, in the hands of an ignorant man, without either property or self respect, will be used to the damage of the people at large; for the rich man, without honor or any kind of patriotism, will purchase it, and with it swamp the rights of a free people.
** [[Alexander II of Russia|Alexander II]], emperor of Russia, conversation with Wharton Barker, Pavlovski Palace (August 17, 1879); reported in Barker, &quot;The Secret of Russia's Friendship&quot;, ''The Independent'' (March 24, 1904), p. 647

* The Illinois State Republican Convention met at Bloomington on May 29, 1856. It furnished the setting for one of the most dramatic episodes of Lincoln's life … A speech by Lincoln was rarely an ordinary occurrence, but on this occasion he made one of the really great efforts of his life. So powerful was his eloquence that the reporters forgot to take notes of what he was saying. Several commenced, but in a few minutes they were entirely captured by the speaker's power, and their pencils were still.
** Paul M. Angle, on [[w: Lincoln's Lost Speech| Lincoln's Lost Speech]], as quoted in [http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln63.html Abraham Lincoln's Lost Speech]

*'''What will be the result to the institution of slavery, which will follow submission to the inauguration and administration of Mister Lincoln as the President of one section of the Union? My candid opinion is, that it will be the total abolition of slavery'''... I do not doubt, therefore, that '''submission to the administration of Mister Lincoln will result in the final abolition of slavery. If we fail to resist now, we will never again have the strength''' to resist.
**[[w:Joseph E. Brown|Joseph E. Brown]], [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm letter] (7 December 1860), as quoted in [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm ''Secession Debated''], pp. 145-159

* I don't know whether Abraham Lincoln knew exactly what he was doing when he freed the slaves. Perhaps he did it only as a war measure. The war, you remember, dragged along without any heart in it. Nobody seemed to want to fight. There was everything to fight for- the Union, the preservation of a country whole- but the idea of union, even of country, did not seem enough to make men want to fight... There were even plenty of people, accustomed to the small compact nations of Europe, who thought that perhaps this great expanse of America should not be one country, that it might be better if it were divided into nations instead of states. But others were determined that the continual bickering and quarreling between the little nations of Europe should not be repeated here and they were determined to keep the country whole and large, and among these was Abraham Lincoln.
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 192

* The greatest blow for freedom that was ever struck in the world's history, perhaps, was when Abraham Lincoln decided that the slaves of the South were to be free and he freed them. The South collapsed. The gentlemen who could spend their time fighting, sure of supplies from slave-tended lands, began to starve and go ragged. Their homes began to fall into ruin and their families to be hungry. Their morale was broken. The war was really won by the pen upon the paper which wrote these words, &quot;are and henceforward shall be free.&quot;
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 193

* I suppose Abraham Lincoln knew that was what would happen. He was very wise in the ways of men. He knew how people think and feel. Doubtless he knew that deeper than anything else in the hearts of men everywhere is the wish for simple freedom- freedom without any promises even of protection, of food, of security- just freedom. He knew that those people, so long bond, would leave even comfortable sheltered places where masters were kind, if they could only be free.
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 194

* Had [[Japan]] been a tenth as wise as Abraham Lincoln, had [[Hitler]] been a hundredth part as sensible, we today, the United States and England, would not have a chance in this war. Had those two enemies of ours coveted the lands upon subject peoples dwell today and had they whispered the magic word ''freedom'' to those peoples, they might have set half the world against us in a moment. But they have lost because they attacked lands already free, and because they have enslaved peoples accustomed to freedom. By this one thing alone, if by no other, they are doomed. They have misread the hearts and minds of men. By their enslavement of the peoples whom they have made subject by force of arms, they have aroused against themselves a greater force than can be found in any army, in any weapon. It is this- the will of men everywhere to be free. Let us learn today from Abraham Lincoln, as we fight this war still so far from victory. He could not win that war until he lit the fire in the hearts of men and women enslaved. Nothing had been enough to make men rise up and shout aloud for victory until that moment. A few men like war and enjoy it as a game. But most men and all women hate war. They will not fight with their whole hearts unless they are set aflame. And the torch is always the same words. Whisper those words and men and women will shout them aloud and sing them as they march. The words are simple but they are the most potent in the universe- they are the spiritual dynamite of victory. The words? &quot;All persons held as slaves... are and henceforward shall be free.&quot;
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 195

* Perhaps nowhere do we learn more about Lincoln even now than in a portrait that I talked about last month off the coast of Malta before meeting Chairman [[Mikhail Gorbachev|Gorbachev]]. It is, as this one is, by [[w:George Peter Alexander Healy|George Healy]], and hangs on the wall of my office upstairs. And in it you see the agony and the greatness of a man who nightly fell on his knees to ask the help of God. The painting shows two of his generals and an admiral meeting near the end of a war that pitted brother against brother. And '''outside at the moment a battle rages. And yet what we see in the distance is a rainbow — a symbol of hope, of the passing of the storm. The painting's name:''[[w: The Peacemakers|The Peacemakers]]''. And for me, this is a constant reassurance that the cause of peace will triumph and that ours can be the future that Lincoln gave his life for: a future free of both tyranny and fear.'''
** [[George H. W. Bush]], [http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/research/public_papers.php?id=1411&amp;year=1990&amp;month=01 Remarks Introducing the Presidential Lecture Series (7 January 1990)]

* One space on the wall was reserved for the president's most influential predecessor. I chose Lincoln. He'd had the most trying job of any president, preserving the Union. Some asked why I didn't put Dad's portrait in that spot. &quot;Number forty-one hangs in my heart,&quot; I said. &quot;Sixteen is on the wall.&quot;
** [[George W. Bush]], ''Decision Points'' (2010), p. 108

* '''I think we have reason to thank [[God]] for Abraham Lincoln.''' With all his deficiencies, it must be admitted that he has grown continually.
** [[Lydia Maria Child]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=4b8m7cv3wTIC&amp;pg=PA335#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false letter to George W. Julian] (8 April 1865), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=4b8m7cv3wTIC&amp;pg=PA335#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''The Fiery Trial: Abraham Lincoln and American Slavery''], by Eric Foner, p. 336

*Abraham Lincoln was walking their streets; and, worst of all, that plain, honest-hearted man was recognizing the 'niggers' as human beings by returning their salutations! The walk was long, and the President halted a moment to rest. 'May de good Lord bless you, President Linkum!' said an old negro, removing his hat, and bowing with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. The President removed his own hat, and bowed in silence; but it was a bow which upset the forms, laws, customs, and ceremonies of centuries. It was a death-shock to chivalry, and a mortal wound to caste. Recognize a nigger! Faugh! A woman in an adjoining house beheld it, and turned from the scene in unspeakable disgust. There were men in the crowd who had daggers in their eyes; but the chosen assassin was not there, the hour for the damning work had not come, and that great-hearted man passed on to the executive mansion of the late Confederacy.
**[[w:Charles Carleton Coffin|Charles Carleton Coffin]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1865/06/late-scenes-in-richmond/308767/ ''The Atlantic''] (June 1865)

*We have never for a moment doubted that Mr. Lincoln, in whom there never was an impulse of unlawful ambition, a shadow of dishonesty, a wish that was not for the welfare of his country ... is, his errors and faults all included, the wisest, the safest, the most unselfish — the man most fitted for the time in which he lives, and for the desperate dangers against which he contends.
**[http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-11-19/opinion/ct-lincoln-gettysburg-edit-1119-20131119_1_gettysburg-address-150-years-speech ''The Chicago Daily Tribune'']

*There are people who always want to get rid of anyone who is doing good for the world - like [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Martin Luther King]], or [[John F. Kennedy|President Kennedy]]; it always happens. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated because he had a vision of right relationships for humanity. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/M_emergence/faq_M_emergence.htm ''Maitreya's Emergence FAQ, Share International,''] (April 1999)

* '''Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, walked through the streets of Richmond and respectfully lifted his hat to the men who blacked Louis Wigfall's boots and curried his horse. What did it mean? It meant that the truest American president we have ever had, the companion of Washington in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal'''. The child of the American people was their most prophetic man, because, whether as small shop-keeper, as flat-boatman, as volunteer captain, as honest lawyer, as defender of the Declaration, as President of the United States, he knew by the profoundest instinct and the widest experience and reflection, that in the most vital faith of this country it is just as honorable for an honest man to curry a horse and black a boot as it is to raise cotton or corn, to sell molasses or cloth, to practice medicine or law, to gamble in stocks or speculate in petroleum. He knew the European doctrine that the king makes the gentleman; but he believed with his whole soul the doctrine, the American doctrine, that worth makes the man.
** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865)

*The first duty of a government is to be true to itself. This does not mean perfection, it means a plan to strive for perfection. It means loyalty to ideals. The ideals of America were set out in the Declaration of Independence and adopted in the Constitution. They did not represent perfection at hand, but perfection found. The fundamental principle was freedom. The fathers knew that this was not yet apprehended. They formed a government firm in the faith that it was ever to press toward this high mark. In selfishness, in greed, in lust for gain, it turned aside. Enslaving others, it became itself enslaved. Bondage in one part consumed freedom in all parts. The government of the fathers, ceasing to be true to itself, was perishing. Five score and ten years ago, that divine providence which infinite repetition has made only the more a miracle, sent into the world a new life destined to save a nation. No star, no sign foretold his coming. About his cradle all was poor and mean, save only the source of all great men, the love of a wonderful woman. When she faded away in his tender years from her deathbed in humble poverty, she endowed her son with greatness. There can be no proper observance of a birthday which forgets the mother. Into his origin, as into his life, men long have looked and wondered. In wisdom great, but in humility greater, in justice strong, but in compassion stronger, he became a leader of men by being a follower of the truth. He overcame evil with good. His presence filled the nation. He broke the might of oppression. He restored a race to its birthright. His mortal frame has vanished, but his spirit increases with the increasing years the richest legacy of the greatest century. Men show by what they worship what they are. It is no accident that before the great example of American manhood, our people stand with respect and reverence. In Abraham Lincoln is revealed our ideal; the hope of our country fulfilled. He was the incarnation of what America was to be. Through him, the Almighty bestowed upon the nation a new birth of freedom that this dear land of ours might be returned to the health of its fathers. We are the beneficiaries of a life of surpassing service. Wise in wisdom and gentle in gentleness. Freedom has many sides and angles. Human slavery has been swept away. With security of personal rights has come security of property rights. The freedom of the human mind is recognized in the right to free speech and free press. The public schools have made education possible for all and ignorance a disgrace. In political affairs, the vote of the humblest has long counted for as much as the vote of the most exalted. We are working towards the day when, in our industrial life, equal honor shall fall to equal endeavor. 
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], [[s:Duty of Government|&quot;Duty of Government&quot;]] (1920)

* In this temple &lt;br /&gt; As in the hearts of the people &lt;br /&gt; For whom he saved the Union &lt;br /&gt; The memory of Abraham Lincoln &lt;br /&gt; Is enshrined forever
** [[w:Royal Cortissoz|Royal Cortissoz]], inscription above the statute of Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. ''The Washington Star'' (April 20, 1976), p. D1–D2. Cortissoz was art critic of the ''New York Herald Tribune''

*Abraham Lincoln and others recoiled from the idea of government as a prop for the rich. In organizing the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], they highlighted the [[equality of opportunity]] promised in the Declaration of Independence and warned that a healthy economy depended on widespread prosperity. Northerners and hardscrabble westerners flocked to that vision, and elected Lincoln to the White House in 1860.
**[[Heather Cox Richardson]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/opinion/bring-back-the-party-of-lincoln.html?_r=0 &quot;Bring Back the Party of Lincoln&quot;] (3 September 2014), by H. Cox Richardson, ''The New York Times'', New York

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]], the country's first Republican president, led the Union to victory in the Civil War and put slavery on the road to extinction. After the war, the GOP was responsible for constitutional amendments that finished off slavery, made African Americans citizens and put the ballot in the hands of black men. It is one of the great tragedies of our time that that party, the party of Lincoln and liberty, is long gone.
**[[w:Berry Craig|Berry Craig]], as quoted in [https://www.laprogressive.com/modern-day-jim-crow-laws/ &quot;Jim Crow: The Dirty Bird Flies Again&quot;] (30 March 2014), by B. Craig, ''LA Progressive''

*Abraham Lincoln was a noble man, but he was not an abolitionist, and what he said in reference  to the Negro was with due regard to his circumscribed environs, and, for the time, was doubtless the quintessence of wisdom, but he was not an oracle who spoke for all coming ages, and we are not bound by what he thought prudent to say in a totally different situation half a century ago. 
**[[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;The Negro and His Nemesis&quot; (1908)

* '''The characteristic which struck me most was his superabundance of common sense. His power of managing men, of deciding and avoiding difficult questions, surpassed that of any man I ever met.''' A keen insight of human nature had been cultivated by the trials and struggles of his early life. He knew the people and how to reach them better than any man of his time. I heard him tell a great many stories, many of which would not do exactly for the drawing-room; but for the person he wished to reach, and the object he desired to accomplish with the individual, the story did more than any argument could have done.
** [[Chauncey Depew]], Testimony XXIV in ''Reminiscences of Abraham Lincoln by Distinguished Men of His Time'' (1886) edited by Allen Thorndike Rice

* I told him that he had been somewhat slow in proclaiming equal protection to our colored soldiers and prisoners; and he said that the country needed talking up to that point. He hesitated in regard to it, when he felt that the country was not ready for it. He knew that the colored man throughout this country was a despised man, a hated man, and that if he at first came out with such a proclamation, all the hatred which is poured on the head of the negro race would be visited on his administration. He said that there was preparatory work needed, and that that preparatory work had now been done. And he said, 'Remember this Mr. Douglass; remember that [[w:Battle of Milliken's Bend|Milliken's Bend]], [[w:Siege of Port Hudson|Port Hudson]], and [[w:Second Battle of Fort Wagner|Fort Wagner]] are recent events; and that these were necessary to prepare the way for this very proclamation of mine.' I thought it was reasonable, but came to the conclusion that '''while Abraham Lincoln will not go down to posterity as Abraham the Great, or as Abraham the Wise, or as Abraham the Eloquent,—although he is all three—wise, great, and eloquent he will go down to posterity if the country is saved, as Honest Abraham... and going down thus, his name may be written anywhere in this wide world of ours, side by side with that of [[George Washington|Washington]], without disparaging the latter.'''
**[[Frederick Douglass]], (December 4, 1863) 30th Anniversary of the A.A.S.S. ([[w:American Anti-Slavery Society|American Anti-Slavery Society]]), Philadelphia, PA, as quoted by Frederic May Holland, ''Frederick Douglass: the Colored Orator'' (1891) [https://books.google.com/books?id=Ic3TAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA305 pp. 305-306.]

* He treated me as a man... He did not let me feel for a moment that there was any difference in the color of our skins.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], about Abraham Lincoln (1864), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=cwVkgrvctCcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22Eric+Foner%22+%22Republicans%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiOwdup3aLLAhVK7SYKHZufDmUQ6AEIRjAH#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Reconstruction: America's Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877''], by Eric Foner, p. 6.

* I assure you, that this inestimable memento of his Excellency will be retained in my possession while I live — an object of sacred interest — a token not merely of the kind consideration in which I have reason to know that the President was pleased to hold me personally, but as an indication of his humane interest in the welfare of my whole race.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], letter to Mary Todd Lincoln (17 August 1865)

* Under [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] wise and beneficent rule we saw ourselves gradually lifted from the depths of [[slavery]] to the heights of [[liberty]] and manhood; under his wise and beneficent rule, and by measures approved and vigorously pressed by him, we saw that the handwriting of ages, in the form of [[Bigotry|prejudice and proscription]], was rapidly fading away from the face of [[United States|our whole country]]; under his rule, and in due time, about as soon after all as the country could tolerate the strange spectacle, we saw our brave sons and brothers laying off the rags of bondage, and being clothed all over in the blue uniforms of the soldiers of the United States; under his rule we saw two hundred thousand of our dark and dusky people responding to the call of Abraham Lincoln, and with muskets on their shoulders, and eagles on their buttons, timing their high footsteps to liberty and union under the national flag; under his rule we saw the independence of the black republic of [[Haiti]], the special object of slave-holding aversion and horror, fully recognized, and her minister, a colored gentleman, duly received here in the city of Washington; under his rule we saw the internal slave-trade, which so long disgraced the nation, abolished, and slavery abolished in the District of Columbia; under his rule we saw for the first time the law enforced against the foreign slave trade, and the first slave-trader hanged like any other pirate or murderer; '''under his rule, assisted by the greatest captain of our age, and his inspiration, we saw the Confederate States, based upon the idea that our race must be slaves, and slaves forever, battered to pieces and scattered to the four winds; under his rule, and in the fullness of time, we saw Abraham Lincoln, after giving the slave-holders three months' grace in which to save their hateful slave system, penning the immortal paper, which, though special in its language, was general in its principles and effect, making slavery forever impossible in the [[United States]]'''. Though we waited long, we saw all this and more.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* Viewed from the genuine abolition ground, Mister Lincoln seemed tardy, cold, dull, and indifferent; but measuring him by the sentiment of his country, a sentiment he was bound as a statesman to consult, he was swift, zealous, radical, and determined. Though Mister Lincoln shared the prejudices of his white fellow-countrymen against the Negro, '''it is hardly necessary to say that in his heart of hearts he loathed and hated [[slavery]]'''... Timid men said before Mister Lincoln's inauguration, that we have seen the last president of the [[United States]]. A voice in influential quarters said, 'Let the Union slide'. Some said that a Union maintained by the sword was worthless. Others said a rebellion of eight million cannot be suppressed; but in the midst of all this tumult and timidity, and '''against all this, Abraham Lincoln was clear in his duty, and had an oath in heaven. He calmly and bravely heard the voice of doubt and fear all around him; but he had an oath in heaven, and there was not power enough on earth to make this honest boatman, backwoodsman, and broad-handed splitter of rails evade or violate that sacred oath'''.... Surveying the end from the beginning, infinite wisdom has seldom sent any man into the world better fitted for his mission than Abraham Lincoln. His birth, his training, and his natural endowments, both mental and physical, were strongly in his favor. Born and reared among the lowly, a stranger to wealth and luxury, compelled to grapple single-handed with the flintiest hardships of life, from tender youth to sturdy manhood, he grew strong in the manly and heroic qualities demanded by the great mission to which he was called by the votes of his countrymen. The hard condition of his early life, which would have depressed and broken down weaker men, only gave greater life, vigor, and buoyancy to the heroic spirit of Abraham Lincoln. He was ready for any kind and any quality of work. What other young men dreaded in the shape of toil, he took hold of with the utmost cheerfulness.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* '''Can any colored man, or any white man friendly to the freedom of all men, ever forget the night which followed the first day of January 1863, when the world was to see if Abraham Lincoln would prove to be as good as his word? I shall never forget that memorable night''', when in a distant city I waited and watched at a public meeting, with three thousand others not less anxious than myself, for the word of deliverance which we have heard read today. Nor shall I ever forget the outburst of joy and thanksgiving that rent the air when the lightning brought to us the emancipation proclamation. In that happy hour we forgot all delay, and forgot all tardiness, forgot that the President had bribed the rebels to lay down their arms by a promise to withhold the bolt which would smite the slave-system with destruction; and we were thenceforward willing to allow the President all the latitude of time, phraseology, and every honorable device that statesmanship might require for the achievement of a great and beneficent measure of liberty and progress.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ &quot;Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln&quot; (14 April 1876), The Freedmen's Monument, Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.]&lt;!--[https://web.archive.org/web/20150302203311/http://www.lib.rochester.edu/index.cfm?PAGE=4071#_ftnref57 About Abraham Lincoln].--&gt;

*Had Abraham Lincoln died from any of the numerous ills to which flesh is heir; had he reached that good old age of which his vigorous constitution and his temperate habits gave promise; had he been permitted to see the end of his great work; had the solemn curtain of death come down but gradually, we should still have been smitten with a heavy grief, and treasured his name lovingly. But dying as he did die, by the red hand of violence, killed, assassinated, taken off without warning, not because of personal hate, for '''no man who knew Abraham Lincoln could hate him, but because of his fidelity to [[United States|union]] and liberty, he is doubly dear to us, and his memory will be precious forever'''. 
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* The south was not far behind the north in recognizing [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]] as the natural leader of the rising political sentiment of the country against [[slavery]], and it was equally quick in its efforts to counteract and destroy his influence. Its papers teemed with the bitterest invectives against the 'backwoodsman of Illinois', the 'flat-boatman', the 'rail-splitter', the 'third-rate lawyer', '''and much else and worse'''. 
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [https://archive.org/stream/lifetimesoffrede1881doug/lifetimesoffrede1881doug_djvu.txt ''Life and Times of Frederick Douglass''] (1881), p. 364

* Mr. [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] was not only a great President, but a ''great man'' — too great to be small in anything. '''In his company I was never in any way reminded of my humble origin, or of my unpopular color.'''
** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''Life and Times of Frederick Douglass'' (1892), Part 2, Chapter 12: Hope for the Nation

* You know that in his Charleston speech, an extract from which he has read, he declared that the negro belongs to an inferior race; is physically inferior to the white man, and should always be kept in an inferior position. I will now read to you what he said at Chicago on that point. In concluding his speech at that place, he remarked, 'My friends, I have detained you about as long as I desire to do, and I have only to say let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man-this race and that race, and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position, discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal'... &lt;!--[Taken from Lincoln’s speech in Chicago, July 10 1858 – D.N.] --&gt;He declared that all distinctions of race must be discarded and blotted out, because the negro stood on an equal footing with the white man; that if one man said the Declaration of Independence did not mean a negro when it declared all men created equal, that another man would say that it did not mean another man; and hence we ought to discard all difference between the negro race and all other races, and declare them all created equal.
**[[Stephen A. Douglas]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47553 Sixth Lincoln-Douglas debate], (13 October 1860), Quincy, Illinois

*When Lincoln, in the darkest days of the war, referred to America as the 'last best hope of earth', he was hardly boasting.
**Don Doyle, [http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/19/how-the-civil-war-changed-the-world/ &quot;How the Civil War Changed the World&quot;] (19 May 2015), ''The New York Times''

* Once he called upon General McClellan, and the President went over to the General's house — a process which I assure you has been reversed long since — and General McClellan decided he did not want to see the President, and went to bed. &lt;br /&gt; Lincoln's friends criticized him severely for allowing a mere General to treat him that way. And he said, &quot;All I want out of General McClellan is a victory, and if to hold his horse will bring it, I will gladly hold his horse.&quot;
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhowermemorial.org/speeches/19540423%20Remarks%20at%20the%20Birthplace%20of%20Abraham%20Lincoln.htm &quot;Remarks at the Birthplace of Abraham Lincoln&quot;], Hodgenville, Kentucky April 23, 1954. The story [http://books.google.com/books?id=AsrfAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA128 originates] from F. A. Mitchel, son and aide of General Mitchel.

*There is no reason to doubt Mister Lincoln's perfect sincerity and his earnest belief in the doctrines which are held by the great majority of his countrymen.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=uAouAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA87&amp;dq=%22as+was+said&quot; &quot;English Opinion on the Inaugural&quot;] (18 March 1865), ''The Spectator''

*He truly admitted the justice of my remarks, that he believed the exclusion of Jewish chaplains to have been altogether unintentional on the part of Congress (and) that something ought to be done to meet this case.
**[https://www.aish.com/ci/s/Abraham-Lincoln-and-the-Jews-10-Fascinating-Facts.html Rabbi Arnold Fischel recollection]

* Humility helps, character counts. Leadership does not knowingly encourage or feed ugly or debased appetites in us. Leadership lives by the American creed, “[[E pluribus unum]].” From many one. American leadership looks to the world and just as Lincoln did, sees the family of man.
** [[Jeff Flake]], Republican senator from Arizona, in a speech on October 24, 2017, announcing he would not be running for re-election in 2018.

* Essentially what Lincoln said is slavery is a form of theft, the theft of labor, one person stealing another person’s labor without that person’s permission. 
** [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], “Lincoln's Nuanced View of Slavery Explained By Renowned Historian,” Michelle Merlin, ''The Register Citizen'', August 9, 2012 [https://www.registercitizen.com/news/article/Lincoln-s-nuanced-view-of-slavery-explained-by-12077170.php]

*Lincoln genuinely abhorred slavery.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=cwVkgrvctCcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22Eric+Foner%22+%22Republicans%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiOwdup3aLLAhVK7SYKHZufDmUQ6AEIRjAH#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Reconstruction: America's Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877''], p. 6

*Lincoln shared many of the prevailing prejudices of his era. But, he insisted, there was a bedrock principle of equality that transcended race. The equal right to the fruits of one's labor. There are many grounds for condemning the institution of slavery. Moral, religious, political, economic. Lincoln referred to all of them at one time or another. But ultimately he saw slavery as a form of theft, of one person appropriating the labor of another. Using a black woman as an illustration, he explained the kind of equality in which he believed, 'In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of all others'. Shortly before the 1860 election, Frederick Douglass offered a succinct summary of the dilemma confronting opponents of slavery like Lincoln, who worked within the political system rather than outside it. Abstractly, Douglass wrote, most northerners would agree that slavery was wrong. The challenge was to find a way of 'translating antislavery sentiment into antislavery action'. The constitution barred interference with slavery in the states where it already existed. For Lincoln, as for most Republicans, antislavery action meant not attacking slavery where it was but working to prevent slavery's westward expansion. Lincoln, however, did talk about a future without slavery. The aim of the Republican Party, he insisted, was to put the institution on the road to 'ultimate extinction', a phrase he borrowed from Henry Clay. Ultimate extinction could take a long time. Lincoln once said that slavery might survive for another hundred years. But to the south, Lincoln seemed as dangerous as an abolitionist, because he was committed to the eventual end of slavery. This was why his election in 1860 led inexorably to secession and civil war.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [http://www.ericfoner.com/articles/012609nation.html &quot;Our Lincoln&quot;] (26 January 2009), ''The Nation''

*The hallmarks of Lincoln's greatness were his ability to grow and his willingness to change his mind. During the war, he had come to embrace the Radical position on immediate emancipation and the enlistment of black soldiers, both policies he had initially opposed. In 1864 he privately suggested to Governor Hahn that Louisiana allow some blacks to vote under its new constitution, singling out the educated, propertied free blacks of New Orleans and those who had served in the Union army. In April 1865, shortly before his death, Lincoln for the first time publicly stated his support for this kind of limited black suffrage... [[Andrew Johnson]] lacked Lincoln's qualities of greatness. While Lincoln had been open-minded, willing to listen to criticism, attuned to the currents of northern public opinion, and able to get along with all elements of his party, Johnson was stubborn, deeply [[Racism in the United States|racist]], and insensitive to the opinions of others. If anyone was responsible for the wreck of his presidency, it was Johnson himself.
** {{w|Eric Foner}}, [https://web.archive.org/web/20120616125206/http://www.americanheritage.com/content/if-lincoln-hadn%E2%80%99t-died &quot;If Lincoln Hadn’t Died&quot;] (2009), ''American Heritage''

* Lincoln asked the nation to confront unblinkingly the legacy of slavery. What were the requirements of justice in the face of this reality? What would be necessary to enable former slaves and their descendants to enjoy fully the pursuit of happiness? Lincoln did not live to provide an answer. A century and a half later, we have yet to do so.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/01/opinion/the-emancipation-of-abe-lincoln.html?ref=opinion&amp;_r=0 &quot;The Emancipation of Abe Lincoln&quot;] (31 December 2012), ''The New York Times'', New York

* Lincoln was fascinated and disturbed by the writings of proslavery ideologues like [[George Fitzhugh]]. The southern critique of [[wage slavery]] catalyzed in Lincoln a defense of [[free society]]. Most northerners, he insisted, were &quot;neither ''hirers'' nor ''hired'',&quot; but worked &quot;for themselves, on their farms, in their houses, and in their shops, taking the whole product to themselves, and asking no favors of [[capital]] on the one hand, nor hirelings or slaves on the other.&quot; Wage earners were generally young &quot;beginners,&quot; hired &quot;by their own consent&quot;; contrary to southern charges, they were not &quot;fatally fixed in that condition for life.&quot; Yet even Lincoln's eloquent exposition could not escape free labor's inherent ambiguities. Was wage labor a normal, acceptable part of the northern social order or a temporary status, associated with the lack of genuine freedom?
** [[Eric Foner]], ''The Story of American Freedom'' (1998), p. 68

* '''Lincoln's appeal to &quot;the better angels of our nature&quot; failed to avert a fratricidal war. But the compassionate wisdom of Lincoln's first and second inaugurals bequeathed to the Union, cemented with blood, a moral heritage which, when drawn upon in times of stress and strife, is sure to find specific ways and means to surmount difficulties that may appear to be insurmountable.'''
** [[Felix Frankfurter]], Concurring, ''Cooper v. Aaron'', 358 U.S. 1 (1958).

* '''Posterity will call you the great emancipator, a more enviable title than any crown could be, and greater than any merely mundane treasure.'''
** [[w:Giuseppe Garibaldi|Giuseppe Garibaldi]], 6 August 1863 letter to Lincoln, as quoted in ''Garibaldi (Great Lives Observed)'' by Denis Mack Smith

* '''The party of Lincoln, called the Republican party, under its present name and organization is of recent origin. It is admitted to be an anti-slavery party''', while it attracts to itself by its creed, the scattered advocates of exploded political heresies, of condemned theories in political economy, the advocates of commercial restrictions, of protection, of special privileges, of waste and corruption in the administration of Government; anti-slavery is its mission and its purpose.
**''[[s:Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession|Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession]]'' (January 1861)

* It required no effort on [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] part to admit another man's superiority, and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] admission that [[Ulysses S. Grant|General Grant]] was right and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|he]] was wrong about operations in Vicksburg was not intended for effect as some suppose, but was perfectly in character.
**[[w:Joseph Gillespie|Joseph Gillespie]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/grant.htm letter] (December 1866)

* I am taken captive by so striking an utterance as this. I see in it the effect of sharp trial when rightly borne to raise men to a higher level of thought and feeling. It is by cruel suffering, that nations are sometimes born to a better life: so it is with individual men. '''Mr. Lincoln's words show that upon him anxiety and sorrow had wrought their true effect. The address gives evidence of a moral elevation most rare in a statesman, or indeed in any man.'''
** [[William Gladstone]], upon Lincoln's second inaugural address, as quoted in &quot;Recollections of Lincoln&quot; by James Grant Wilson in ''Putnam's Magazine'' Vol. 5, No. 6 (March 1909)

* If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.
** [[Dick Gregory]], ''From the Back of the Bus'' (1962), p. 7

*We admired and loved him on many accounts, for strong and various reasons. '''We admired his childlike simplicity, his freedom from guile and deceit, his staunch and sterling integrity, his kind and forgiving temper, his industry and patience, his persistent, self-sacrificing devotion to all the duties of his eminent position, from the least to the greatest; his readiness to hear and consider the cause of the poor and humble, the suffering and the oppressed; his charity toward those who questioned the correctness of his opinions and the wisdom of his policy; his wonderful skill in reconciling differences among the friends of the Union, leading them away from abstractions, and inducing them to work together and harmoniously for the common weal; his true and enlarged philanthropy, that knew no distinction of color or race, but regarded all men as brethren''', and endowed alike by their Creator 'with certain inalienable rights, among which are life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness'; his inflexible purpose that what freedom had gained in our terrible civil strife should never be lost, and that the end of the war should be the end of slavery, and, as a consequence, of rebellion; his readiness to spend and be spent for the attainment of such a triumph, a triumph, the blessed fruits of which shall be as wide-spreading as the earth and as enduring as the sun, all these things commanded and fixed our admiration and the admiration of the world, and stamped upon his character and life the unmistakable impress of greatness.
**[[w:Phineas Densmore Gurley|P. Densmore Gurley]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/gurley.htm White House Funeral Sermon for President Lincoln] (19 April 1865)

*The presidential election of 1864, occurring after the spectacular Union military successes at Mobile Bay and in Georgia and the Shenandoah Valley, reaffirmed the northern majority's commitment to the suppression of the rebellion in the South and the restoration of the Union without slavery. Arguably, Abraham Lincoln's victory owed more to the Northern rejection of the Democratic Party's war-failure platform and its call for an armistice preparatory to a national peace convention than to the voters' confidence in the president's leadership.
**[[w:William C. Harris|William C. Harris]], as quoted in [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jala/2629860.0021.104?rgn=main;view=fulltext &quot;The Hampton Roads Peace Conference: A Final Test of Lincoln's Presidential Leadership&quot;] (2000), ''Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', pp. 30-61

* Although Lincoln was by today's standards a &quot;moderate&quot; Republican... he famously said, &quot;Labor is superior to capital because it precedes capital&quot;—nobody was wealthy until somebody made something—and was the first president both to use the word &quot;strike&quot; and to actually stop police and private armies from killing and beating strikers...
** [[Thom Hartmann]], ''Unequal Protection: How Corporations Became &quot;People&quot;—and How You Can Fight Back''   (2018) Introduction: The Battle to Save Democracy.

*As to Mr. Lincoln's name and fame and memory, — all is safe. His firmness, moderation, goodness of heart; his quaint humor, his perfect honesty and directness of purpose; his logic his modesty his sound judgment, and great wisdom; the contrast between his obscure beginnings and the greatness of his subsequent position and achievements; his tragic death, giving him almost the crown of martyrdom, elevate him to a place in history second to none other of ancient or modern times. His success in his great office, his hold upon the confidence and affections of his countrymen, we shall all say are only second to Washington’s; we shall probably feel and think that they are not second even to his.
**[[Rutherford B. Hayes|Rutherford Hayes]], as quoted in ''letter to Lucy Webb Hayes'' (16 April 1865)

*153 years ago, had we been sitting on these heights, looking over this river in the midst of civil war, we would likely have seen something curious on the river. Rafts, hastily made, barely water-worthy, bearing families with all their possessions, pushing themselves across the river from Fredericksburg to this shore. These were former slaves, run away from bondage. They came here seeking precisely what you have achieved today. By their coming, months before the emancipation proclamation, they were doing what Americans have always done. They challenged America, as if to say, 'We have left bondage to be free. What will you do with us now?' '''In the spring and summer of 1862, as many as ten thousand former slaves crossed the Rappahannock River to freedom, some of them likely walking these terraces in freedom, looking down upon the river as others followed their path. These men and women and babies and toddlers and boys and girls did not see their acts as momentous for anyone but themselves, but today we can see that their acts were momentous in many ways. By challenging America to accept their determination that they would no longer suffer bondage, they pushed the nation along that arc toward justice, away from oppression.Seven months later, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. And three years after that Congress sent to the states the Fourteenth Amendment, according these former slaves the thing they aspired to most beyond freedom. Citizenship'''. These people did not just walk the path to citizenship, they blazed a trail where none had existed. They, like you, were determined, courageous souls. I hope you will find inspiration from them, just as we derive inspiration from you. We congratulate you. We join you in celebrating life as Americans. And, we welcome you to the noisy business of being a citizen. And now, mindful that the virtues of our nation come from its people, we bid you, our nation’s newest citizen, to go challenge America to be better still.
**[[w:John Hennessey|John Hennessey]], [https://fredericksburghistory.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/history-citizenship-and-a-better-nation/#more-2399 naturalization speech] (June 2015)

* Now let it be written in history and on Mr. Lincoln's tombstone: &quot;He died an unbeliever.&quot;
** [[w:William H. Herndon|William H. Herndon]], [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]]'s law partner in Springfield since 1844, on Lincoln's religion. ''Abraham Lincoln: The True Story of a Great Life'', 1896. Quoted in ''Freethinkers'' by [[w:Susan Jacoby|Susan Jacoby]], 2004

*Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call! '''Oh aid of the slaves' liberation and roll on the liberty ball.''' We'll finish the temple of freedom, and make it capacious within. '''That all who seek shelter may find it, whatever the hue of their skin.''' Success to the old fashioned doctrine, that men are created all free, and down with the power of the despot, wherever his stronghold may be. They'll find what, by felling and mauling, our rail-maker statesman can do. For the people are everywhere calling, '''for Lincoln and Liberty too.'''
**[[w:Jesse Hutchinson|Jesse Hutchinson]], &quot;[[w:Lincoln and Liberty|For Lincoln and Liberty Too]]&quot;

*Notwithstanding a mendacious press; notwithstanding a subsidized gang of hirelings who have not ceased to traduce me, I have discharged all my official duties and fulfilled my pledges. And I say here tonight that if [[w:Abraham Lincoln|my predecessor]] had lived, the vials of wrath would have poured out upon him.'''
**[[Andrew Johnson]], speech in Cleveland, Ohio (3 September 1866)

*It's a long slog until we realize the dream Lincoln saw for us, but it won't be for lack of trying, as we inch, little to little, to the land where all men are created equal.
**Charles Johnson, [http://www.claremontconservative.com/2008/09/jaffas-thoughts-on-gop-twelve-years.html &quot;Jaffa's Thoughts on the GOP, Twelve Years Later&quot;] (September 2008), ''The Claremont Conservative''

*As a man whose roots go deeply into Southern soil I know how agonizing racial feelings are. I know how difficult it is to reshape the attitudes and the structure of our society. But '''a century has passed, more than a hundred years, since the Negro was freed. And he is not fully free tonight. It was more than a hundred years ago that [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]], a great president of another party, signed the Emancipation Proclamation, but emancipation is a proclamation and not a fact. A century has passed, more than a hundred years, since equality was promised. And yet the Negro is not equal. A century has passed since the day of promise. And the promise is unkept. The time of justice has now come. I tell you that I believe sincerely that no force can hold it back. It is right in the eyes of man and God that it should come.''' And when it does, I think that day will brighten the lives of every American.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* What would Lincoln have been without the Civil War? Just another railroad lawyer!
** [[John F. Kennedy]] to [[Gore Vidal]], quoted in David Swanson's ''Daybreak: Undoing the Imperial Presidency and Forming a More Perfect Union'' (2011)

* '''When Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation it was not the act of an opportunistic politician issuing a hollow pronouncement to placate a pressure group. Our truly great presidents were tortured deep in their hearts by the race question.''' [...] '''Lincoln’s torments are well known, his vacillations were facts.''' In the seething cauldron of ‘62 and ‘63 Lincoln was called the &quot;Baboon President&quot; in the North, and &quot;coward&quot;, &quot;assassin&quot; and &quot;savage&quot; in the South. Yet he searched his way to the conclusions embodied in these words, '''&quot;[[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_.281862.29|In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free, honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve.]]&quot; On this moral foundation he personally prepared the first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, and to emphasize the decisiveness of his course he called his cabinet together and declared he was not seeking their advice as to its wisdom but only suggestions on subject matter. Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance.'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address]'' at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City, (12 September 1962) 

* Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.
** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], &quot;[[w:I Have a Dream|I Have a Dream]]&quot; speech (28 August 1963), at the [[w:Lincoln Memorial|Lincoln Memorial]]

* '''Love transforms with redemptive power. &lt;br /&gt; Lincoln tried love and left for all history a magnificent drama of reconciliation.''' When he was campaigning for the presidency one of his arch-enemies was a man named [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Stanton]]. For some reason Stanton hated Lincoln. He used every ounce of his energy to degrade him in the eyes of the public. So deep rooted was Stanton’s hate for Lincoln that he uttered unkind words about his physical appearance, and sought to embarrass him at every point with the bitterest diatribes. But in spite of this Lincoln was elected President of the United States. Then came the period when he had to select his cabinet, which would consist of the persons who would be his most intimate associates in implementing his program. He started choosing men here and there for the various secretaryships. The day finally came for Lincoln to select a man to fill the all-important post of Secretary of War. Can you imagine whom Lincoln chose to fill this post? None other than the man named Stanton. There was an immediate uproar in the inner circle when the news began to spread. Adviser after adviser was heard saying, “Mr. President, you are making a mistake. Do you know this man Stanton? Are you familiar with all of the ugly things he said about you? He is your enemy. He will seek to sabotage your program. Have you thought this through, Mr. President?” Mr. Lincoln’s answer was terse and to the point: “Yes, I know Mr. Stanton. I am aware of all the terrible things he has said about me. But after looking over the nation, I find he is the best man for the job.” So Stanton became Abraham Lincoln’s Secretary of War and rendered an invaluable service to his nation and his President. Not many years later Lincoln was assassinated. Many laudable things were said about him. Even today millions of people still adore him as the greatest of all Americans. [[H. G. Wells]] selected him as one of the six great men of history. But of all the great statements made about Abraham Lincoln, the words of Stanton remain among the greatest. '''Standing near the dead body of the man he once hated, Stanton referred to him as one of the greatest men that ever lived and said “he now belongs to the ages.”''' If Lincoln had hated Stanton both men would have gone to their graves as bitter enemies. But '''through the power of love Lincoln transformed an enemy into a friend. It was this same attitude that made it possible for Lincoln to speak a kind word about the South during the Civil War when feeling was most bitter. Asked by a shocked bystander how he could do this, Lincoln said, “Madam, do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” This is the power of redemptive love.'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], in ''[[w:Strength to Love|Strength to Love]]'' (1963), Sermon V : Loving Your Enemies, p. 38

* [[w:African American|Negro]] support for [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] was an expression of hope. '''The fervent belief that only [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] and his [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], the party of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]], could keep [[United States|America]]'s promise of equal rights for all men. [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] had been the first president to invite [[w:African American|Negro]] participation in the inaugural pageant'''. [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] was the second.
** [[w:Charles Lane (journalist)|Charles Lane]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=QfBHIIcwukYC&amp;pg=PA2 ''The Day Freedom Died: The Colfax Massacre, the Supreme Court, and the Betrayal of Reconstruction''] (2008), Henry Holt and Company, LLC, New York City, New York, p. 2

*In 1861, Abraham Lincoln told Congress that the 'leading object' of American government was 'to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders, to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all, to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance, in the race of life'. In a single sentence, Lincoln captures the principles of the Republican vision for our country and the essence of what we should strive for when developing and reforming government policy.
**[[w:Mike Lee|Mike Lee]], [http://www.lee.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/the-laudable-pursuit &quot;The Laudable Pursuit&quot;]

*In his life he was a great American. He is no longer so. He is one of those giant figures, of whom there are very few in history, who lose their nationality in death. They are no longer Greek or Hebrew, English or American; they belong to mankind.
**[[David Lloyd George]], speech at the dedication of the Abraham Lincoln statue in Westminster, London (July 28, 1920), quoted in James M. McPherson, ''We Cannot Escape History: Lincoln and the Last Best Hope of Earth'' (2001), pp. 170–171

*Afterward, Vogel invited the audience to come up and be photographed with the re-enactors. I didn't go. I was content just to look down the Mall on that beautiful day, now becoming comfortably warmer. Beyond the reflecting pools, behind the Washington Monument, I could see parts of the Grant sculptures and the wings of the Capitol behind them. It was all very imposing, as befits a great nation. In the aftermath of the morning's program, '''I was free to imagine, now that we let ourselves remember all of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s Second Inaugural, what if the [[United States]] could live up to its moral implications? What if we did construct a society with no unrequited toil? What if we did achieve a just and lasting peace with all nations? An impossible dream? Well, it was a patriotic occasion, and at a place where dreams have been dreamed before.'''
**[[w:James W. Loewen|James W. Loewen]], as quoted in [http://historynewsnetwork.org/blog/153597#_ftn3 &quot;Lincoln's Second Inaugural on its 150th Birthday&quot;] (18 March 2015), ''History News Network''

* Within that door &lt;br /&gt; A man sits or the image of a man &lt;br /&gt; Staring at stillness on a marble floor. &lt;br /&gt; No drum distracts him nor no trumpet can &lt;br /&gt; Although he hears the trumpet and the drum. &lt;br /&gt; He listens for the time to come. &lt;br /&gt; Within this door &lt;br /&gt; A man sits or the image of a man &lt;br /&gt; Remembering the time before. &lt;br /&gt; He hears beneath the river in its choking channel &lt;br /&gt; A deeper river rushing on the stone, &lt;br /&gt; Sits there in his doubt alone, &lt;br /&gt; Discerns the Principle, &lt;br /&gt; The guns begin, &lt;br /&gt; Emancipates — but not the slaves, &lt;br /&gt; The Union — not from servitude but shame: &lt;br /&gt; Emancipates the Union from the monstrous name &lt;br /&gt; Whose infamy dishonored &lt;br /&gt; Even the great Founders in their graves … &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; He saves the Union and the dream goes on.
** [[Archibald MacLeish]], &quot;At the Lincoln Memorial&quot;, stanza 4, lines 1–6, and stanza 5, ''New &amp; Collected Poems, 1917–1976'' (1976), p. 433–35. This poem was written for ceremonies marking the centennial of the Emancipation Proclamation and was read by MacLeish at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C., (22 September 1962)

* When the Norn-mother saw the Whirlwind Hour, &lt;br /&gt; Greatening and darkening as it hurried on, &lt;br /&gt; She bent the strenuous Heavens and came down &lt;br /&gt; To make a man to meet the mortal need. &lt;br /&gt; She took the tried clay of the common road — &lt;br /&gt; Clay warm yet with the genial heat of Earth, &lt;br /&gt; Dashed through it all a strain of prophecy; &lt;br /&gt; Then mixed a laughter with the serious stuff. &lt;br /&gt; It was a stuff to wear for centuries, &lt;br /&gt; A man that matched the mountains, and compelled &lt;br /&gt; The stars to look our way and honor us.
** [[Edwin Markham]], &quot;Lincoln, The Man of the People&quot;, stanza 1, lines 1–11, ''Lincoln &amp; Other Poems'' (1901), p. 3

* And when he fell in whirlwind, he went down &lt;br /&gt; As when a lordly cedar, green with boughs, &lt;br /&gt; Goes down with a great shout upon the hills, &lt;br /&gt; And leaves a lonesome place against the sky.
** [[Edwin Markham]], &quot;Lincoln, the Man of the People&quot;, stanza 4, lines 8–11, ''Lincoln &amp; Other Poems'' (1901), p. 3

* I went to the White House shortly after tea where I found &quot;the original gorilla,&quot; about as intelligent as ever. What a specimen to be at the head of our affairs now!
** General {{w|George B. McClellan}} (17 November 1861), ''The Civil War Papers of George B. McClellan'', [http://books.google.com/books?id=AlPVCK45xo4C&amp;pg=PA135&amp;dq=%22What+a+specimen+to+be+at+the+head+of+our+affairs+now%22 p. 135]. McClellan is said to have often used [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]]'s term the &quot;original gorilla&quot; in referring to Lincoln.

* Lincoln’s proclamation is even more important than the Maryland campaign. Lincoln is a ''[[Wiktionary:sui generis|sui generis]]'' figure in the annals of history. He has no initiative, no idealistic impetus, cothurnus, no historical trappings. He gives his most important actions always the most commonplace form. Other people claim to be “fighting for an idea”, when it is for them a matter of square feet of land. Lincoln, even when he is motivated by, an idea, talks about “square feet”. He sings the bravura aria of his part hesitatively, reluctantly and unwillingly, as though apologising for being compelled by circumstances “to act the lion”. The most redoubtable decrees — which will always remain remarkable historical documents-flung by him at the enemy all look like, and are intended to look like, routine summonses sent by a lawyer to the lawyer of the opposing party, legal chicaneries, involved, hidebound ''actiones juris''. His latest proclamation, which is drafted in the same style, the manifesto abolishing slavery, is the most important document in American history since the establishment of the Union, tantamount to the tearing tip of the old [[American Constitution]].
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* Lincoln’s place in the history of the United States and of mankind will, nevertheless, be next to that of Washington!
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* Lincoln is not the product of a popular revolution. This plebeian, who worked his way tip from stone-breaker to Senator in Illinois, without intellectual brilliance, without a particularly outstanding character, without exceptional importance-an average person of good will, was placed at the top by the interplay of the forces of universal suffrage unaware of the great issues at stake. The {{w|new world}} has never achieved a greater triumph than by this demonstration that, given its political and social organisation, ordinary people of good will can accomplish feats which only heroes could accomplish in the {{w|old world}}!
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* [[Friedrich Engels|Hegel]] once observed that comedy is in act superior to tragedy and humourous reasoning superior to grandiloquent reasoning. Although Lincoln does not possess the grandiloquence of historical action, as an average man of the people he has its humour.
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

*He says he'll pinch a penny so hard, he'll leave a bruise on the bronze so dark you can see the mark with the scars. Until Abraham Lincoln is screaming out, ah!
**[[Eminem|Marshall Bruce Mathers III]], [https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/almost-famous.html &quot;Almost Famous&quot;], ''Recovery'' (2010)

*Hey, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln. Other than your husband's fucking brains that were leaking, how'd you think that play was this weekend?
**[[Eminem|Marshall Bruce Mathers III]], [http://rap.genius.com/Busta-rhymes-calm-down-lyrics#note-3373089 &quot;Calm Down&quot;], ''ELE 2: End of the World'' (2014)

*If Lincoln had been a failure, he would have lived a longer life.
**[[James M. McPherson]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=Bi5UlY2IadMC&amp;pg=PT254&amp;dq=%22kneel+to+me+that+is+not+right%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjlz8LkxfPJAhWGFR4KHdUcCwsQ6AEIMjAE#v=onepage&amp;q=%22kneel%20to%20me%20that%20is%20not%20right%22&amp;f=false &quot;Epilogue&quot;], ''Tried by War: Abraham Lincoln as Commander in Chief''

*Scorned and ridiculed by many critics during his presidency, [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] became a martyr and almost a saint after his death. His words and deeds lived after him, and will be revered as long as there is a [[United States]]. Indeed, it seems quite likely that without his determined leadership the ''United'' States would have ceased to be... More than any other American, [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s name has gone into history. He gave all Americans, indeed all people everywhere, reason to remember that he had lived.
**[[James M. McPherson]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=MJKLnJzXPj0C&amp;pg=PA60&amp;dq=%22kneel+to+me+that+is+not+right%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjlz8LkxfPJAhWGFR4KHdUcCwsQ6AEILDAD#v=onepage&amp;q=%22kneel%20to%20me%20that%20is%20not%20right%22&amp;f=false ''Abraham Lincoln''], p. 65

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] marked the half-way post on the road to the sewers. He was a politician first — with devotion as a glorious afterthought.
** [[Henry Louis Mencken]], in [http://books.google.com/books?id=Nu6mNG4YRHgC&amp;pg=RA1-PA251&amp;dq=%22half-way+post+on+the+road+to+the+sewers%22 &quot;Kultur in the Republic&quot; in ''American Mercury'' (December 1927), p. 251]

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] had long believed that [[slavery]] was incompatible with the Union and that the nation was threaded together by a set of principles that required equality before the law.
**[[w:Sidney M. Milkis|Sidney M. Milkis]] and [[w:Michael Nelson|Michael Nelson]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=p3zmBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA179&amp;lpg=PA179&amp;dq=%22damned+in+time+and+eternity+for+so+doing%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=mrAJPnpx1V&amp;sig=TswZIYZVZNcnQEH9SnxNcw1bVs8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCsQ6AEwBGoVChMI6_3Z9pXxxwIVguCACh3bBAks#v=onepage&amp;q=%22damned%20in%20time%20and%20eternity%20for%20so%20doing%22&amp;f=false ''The American Presidency: Origins and Development, 1776–2014''], p. 179

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] was too respectful of procedural regularity and formal legality to completely abolish slavery by executive fiat. Instead, he worked to achieve abolition by constitutional amendment. In 1864, Lincoln took the lead in persuading the Republican national convention to adopt a platform calling for an amendment prohibiting slavery everywhere in the United States. Because slavery was 'hostile to the principles of republican government, justice, and national safety', the platform declared, the Republican Party vowed to accomplish its 'utter and complete extirpation from the soil of the Republic'. Full emancipation became an end as well as a means of Union victory.
**[[w:Sidney M. Milkis|Sidney M. Milkis]] and [[w:Michael Nelson|Michael Nelson]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=p3zmBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA179&amp;lpg=PA179&amp;dq=%22damned+in+time+and+eternity+for+so+doing%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=mrAJPnpx1V&amp;sig=TswZIYZVZNcnQEH9SnxNcw1bVs8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCsQ6AEwBGoVChMI6_3Z9pXxxwIVguCACh3bBAks#v=onepage&amp;q=%22damned%20in%20time%20and%20eternity%20for%20so%20doing%22&amp;f=false ''The American Presidency: Origins and Development, 1776–2014''], p. 179

*What I now principally feel is that the death of Lincoln, like that of [[Socrates]], is a worthy end to a noble life, and puts the seal of universal remembrance upon his worth. He has now a place among the great names of history, and one could have wished nothing better for him personally than to die almost or quite unconsciously, in perhaps the happiest moment of his life. How one rejoices that he lived to know of Lee's surrender.
**[[John Stuart Mill]] to John Elliot Cairnes (28 May 1865), quoted in Michael St. John Packe, ''The Life of John Stuart Mill'' (1954), p. 426

* Most historians today rank Lincoln number one among our presidents, for his leadership in preserving the Union and bringing slavery to an end. Major credit, however, should be given him for his contributions as a military leader. No president fulfilled the responsibility of a commander-in-chief as he did.
** Seymour Morris Jr., ''American History Revised: 200 Startling Facts That Never Made It into the Textbooks'' (2010), p. 142

* [[Confederate States of America|The South]] went [[American Civil War|to war]] on account of [[slavery]]. '''[[South Carolina]] went to war, as she said in her [[s:Declaration of the Immediate Causes Which Induce and Justify the Secession of South Carolina from the Federal Union|secession proclamation]], because slavery would not be secure under [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'''. [[South Carolina]] ought to know what was the cause for her seceding. The truth is the modern [[Virginia|Virginians]] departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Father's]].
** [[John S. Mosby|John Singleton Mosby]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907)

*Lincoln was our greatest president. Lincoln recognized that our nation’s original sin was slavery, which contradicted the Declaration’s lofty preamble, and that the Constitution, which permitted slavery, had to be corrected by constitutional means. 
**John D. Mueller, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160313050002/http://www.nationalreview.com/article/432701/first-principles-america-cultural-catechism &quot;What We Are For — An American Cultural Catechism&quot;] (12 March 2016), ''National Review''

*I was partner of [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]] in this city in the year 1878. … Mr. Herndon continually spoke of Mr. Lincoln's greatness and goodness. He told me of travelling over the State from one county seat to another with the meager law-library in saddle-bags. … Herndon spoke of Lincoln's ability as a lawyer and statesman. '''He also admired greatly Lincoln's kindness of heart, his forgiving disposition. He was greatly impressed by Mr. Lincoln's attitude of kindness toward young men in the army who were found guilty of transgression of [[military]] regulations.'''
**Comments by Judge George W. Murray (1939-1926) - &quot;the last law partner of [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]] (1818-1891), the last law partner of Lincoln.&quot; [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&amp;hl=en&amp;q=%22last+law+partner+of+William+H.+Herndon%2C+the+last+law+partner+of+Lincoln%22&amp;gws_rd=ssl] - who gave this statement to Rev. William E. Barton, D. D., April 21, 1920. Quoted in ''The [[eugenics]] of President Abraham Lincoln; His German-Scotch Ancestry Irrefutably Established from Recently Discovered Documents'' (1940), James Caswell Coggins (1865-1958), Goodwill press, [[w:Milligan College|Milligan College]], Elizabethton, Tennessee, p. 222. [https://archive.org/stream/eugenicsofpresid00cogg#page/222/mode/2up/search/%22Lincoln's+greatness+and+goodness%22] [http://catalog.hathitrust.org/api/volumes/oclc/2637161.html]
*We all remember Abraham Lincoln as the leader who saved our Union, founder of the Republican Party. But in the middle of a Civil War, he was also a leader who looked to the future; a Republican President who mobilized Government to build the [[w:Transcontinental railroad|transcontinental railroad]], launch the [[w:National Academy of Sciences|National Academy of Sciences]], set up the first land-grant colleges. And leaders of both parties have followed the example he set.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-before-joint-session-the-congress-job-growth Address Before a Joint Session of the Congress on Job Growth], (8 September 2011)

*Don Fehrenbacher once observed that Lincoln has been described by historians as a 'dictator' far more often than any other president. This is true not only of historians who criticize him, but of those who praise him. But '''if Lincoln was a dictator, he was unlike any other in history. Dictatorship (in the contemporary usage that Fehrenbacher had in mind) is characterized by unlimited, absolute power, exercised in an arbitrary and unpredictable manner, with no regard for political legitimacy. A dictator does not go out of his way to respect legal limits as Lincoln did''', despite his belief that the emergency required special measures. Nor is a dictator subject to the pressures of public opinion, congressional constraint, and party competition that Lincoln faced during his war presidency. Above all a dictator doesn't risk an election, especially one he thinks he might lose, in the midst of civil war.
**Mackubin Thomas Owens, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160330083421/http://www.claremont.org/crb/article/commander-in-chief/ &quot;Commander-in-Chief&quot;] (10 February 2009), ''Claremont Review of Books'', The Claremont Institute

*For a party that desperately yearns to increase its diversity, why not answer this way? I'm from the party of Abraham Lincoln. The only flag I want to salute is the American flag.
**[[w:Scott Pinsker|Scott Pinsker]], as quoted in [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/06/22/confederate-flag-and-party-lincoln.html &quot;Republicans: The Confederate flag and the party of Lincoln&quot;] (22 June 2015), by S. Pinsker, ''Fox News''

* Twenty years have passed since [[Emancipation Proclamation|that event]]; it is almost too new in history to make a great impression, but the time will come when it will loom up as one of the greatest of man's achievements, and '''the name of Abraham Lincoln — who of his own will struck the shackles from the limbs of four millions of people — will be honored thousands of years from now as man's name was never honored before.'''
** [[David Dixon Porter]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), p. 296

*He came, armed with the majesty of the law, to put his seal to the act which had been established by the bayonets of the Union soldiers the establishment of peace and goodwill between the North and the South, and liberty to all mankind who dwell upon our shores.
** [[David Dixon Porter]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by D.D. Porter, p. 296

* Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since [[William Howard Taft|Taft]]. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
** [[Will Rogers]], quoted in ''How we elect our Presidents'' (1952), p. 9

* '''It seldom helps to wonder how a statesman of one generation would surmount the crisis of another. A statesman deals with concrete difficulties — with things which must be done from day to day. Not often can he frame conscious patterns for the far off future. But the fullness of the stature of Lincoln's nature and the fundamental conflict which events forced upon his Presidency invite us ever to turn to him for help.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* Lincoln spoke in solace for all who fought upon this field; and the years have laid their balm upon their wounds. Men who wore the blue and men who wore the gray are here together, a fragment spared by time. They are brought here by the memories of old divided loyalties, but they meet here in united loyalty to a united cause which the unfolding years have made it easier to see. All of them we honor, not asking under which flag they fought then — thankful that they stand together under one flag now. '''Lincoln was commander-in-chief in this old battle; he wanted above all things to be commander-in-chief of the new peace. He understood that battle there must be; that when a challenge to constituted government is thrown down, the people must in self-defense take it up; that the fight must be fought through to a decision so clear that it is accepted as being beyond recall.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* '''But Lincoln also understood that after such a decision, a democracy should seek peace through a new unity. For a democracy can keep alive only if the settlement of old difficulties clears the ground and transfers energies to face new responsibilities. Never can it have as much ability and purpose as it needs in that striving; the end of battle does not end the infinity of those needs. That is why Lincoln — commander of a people as well as of an army — asked that his battle end &quot;with malice toward none, with charity for all.&quot;'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* To the hurt of those who came after him, Lincoln's plea was long denied. A generation passed before the new unity became accepted fact. In later years new needs arose, and with them new tasks, worldwide in their perplexities, their bitterness and their modes of strife. Here in our land we give thanks that, avoiding war, we seek our ends through the peaceful processes of popular government under the Constitution. '''It is another conflict, a conflict as fundamental as Lincoln's, fought not with glint of steel, but with appeals to reason and justice on a thousand fronts — seeking to save for our common country opportunity and security for citizens in a free society. We are near to winning this battle. In its winning and through the years may we live by the wisdom and the humanity of the heart of Abraham Lincoln.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* Lincoln and [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]], men who preeminently and distinctly embody all that is most American in the American character I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life. The life of toil and effort, of labor gold strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* Thank God for the iron in the blood of our fathers, the men who upheld the wisdom of Lincoln, and bore sword or rifle in the armies of Grant! Let us, the children of the men who proved themselves equal to the mighty days, let us, the children of the men who carried the great Civil War to a triumphant conclusion, praise the God of our fathers that the ignoble counsels of peace were rejected; that the suffering and loss, the blackness of sorrow and despair, were unflinchingly faced, and the years of strife endured; for in the end the slave was freed, the Union restored, and the mighty American republic placed once more as a helmeted queen among nations.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* No country can long endure if its foundations are not laid deep in the material prosperity which comes from thrift, from business energy and enterprise, from hard, unsparing effort in the fields of industrial activity; but neither was any nation ever yet truly great if it relied upon material prosperity alone. All honor must be paid to the architects of our material prosperity, to the great captains of industry who have built our factories and our railroads, to the strong men who toil for wealth with brain or hand; for great is the debt of the nation to these and their kind. But our debt is yet greater to the men whose highest type is to be found in a statesman like [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]], a soldier like [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]]. They showed by their lives that they recognized the law of work, the law of strife; they toiled to win a competence for themselves and those dependent upon them; but they recognized that there were yet other and even loftier duties — duties to the nation.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* '''If there is not the war, you don't get the great general; if there is not a great occasion, you don't get the great statesman; if Lincoln had lived in times of peace, no one would have known his name now.'''
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], 26th President of the United States, &quot;The conditions of success&quot;, address at the Cambridge Union (26 May 1910), in ''The New Outlook'', 22 January 1919, [http://books.google.com/books?id=PD7xwXiTm-EC&amp;pg=PA143&amp;dq=%22you+don't+get+the+great+general%22 121:143]
*I do not speak of this struggle of the past merely from the historic standpoint. Our interest is primarily in the application to-day of the lessons taught by the contest a half a century ago. It is of little use for us to pay lip-loyalty to the mighty men of the past unless we sincerely endeavor to apply to the problems of the present precisely the qualities which in other crises enabled the men of that day to meet those crises. It is half melancholy and half amusing to see the way in which well-meaning people gather to do honor to the men who, in company with [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]], and under the lead of Abraham Lincoln, faced and solved the great problems of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], while, at the same time, these same good people nervously shrink from, or frantically denounce, those who are trying to meet the problems of the [[20th century|twentieth century]] in the spirit which was accountable for the successful solution of the problems of Lincoln’s time. Of that generation of men to whom we owe so much, the man to whom we owe most is, of course, Lincoln. Part of our debt to him is because he forecast our present struggle and saw the way out. He said: &quot;I hold that while man exists it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind.&quot; And again: &quot;[[Work|Labor]] is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.&quot; If that remark was original with me, I should be even more strongly denounced as a [[Communism|Communist]] agitator than I shall be anyhow. It is Lincoln’s. I am only quoting it; and that is one side; that is the side the capitalist should hear. Now, let the working man hear his side. &quot;Capital has its rights, which are as worthy of protection as any other rights. . . . Nor should this lead to a war upon the owners of property. [[Property]] is the fruit of labor; . . . property is desirable; is a positive good in the world.&quot; And then comes a thoroughly Lincoln-like sentence: &quot;Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.&quot; It seems to me that, in these words, Lincoln took substantially the attitude that we ought to take; he showed the proper sense of proportion in his relative estimates of capital and labor, of human rights and property rights. Above all, in this speech, as in many others, he taught a lesson in wise kindliness and charity; an indispensable lesson to us of today. But this wise kindliness and charity never weakened his arm or numbed his heart. We cannot afford weakly to blind ourselves to the actual conflict which faces us today. The issue is joined, and we must fight or fail.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2011/12/06/archives-president-teddy-roosevelts-new-nationalism-speech Osawatomie speech], (31 August 1910) 

* My Lords, there are circumstances connected with this crime which, I think, aggravate its atrocity. President Lincoln was a man who, though not conspicuous before his election, had since displayed a character of so much integrity, so much sincerity and straightforwardness, and at the same time of so much kindness, that if any one could have been able to alleviate the pain and animosities which prevailed during the period of civil war, I believe that President Lincoln was that person. It was remarked of President Lincoln that he always felt disinclined to adopt harsh measures; and I am told that the commanders of his armies often complained that when they had passed a sentence which they thought no more than just the President was always disposed to temper its severity. Such a man this particular epoch required.
** British Foreign Secretary [[John Russell, 1st Earl Russell]] in a [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/lords/1865/may/01/address-to-her-majesty#S3V0178P0_18650501_HOL_3 speech] to the {{w|House of Lords}} following Lincoln's death, 1 May 1865  

* Not often in the story of mankind does a man arrive on earth who is both steel and velvet, who is as hard as rock and soft as drifting fog, who holds in his heart and mind the paradox of terrible storm and peace unspeakable and perfect.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], opening sentence in an address to a joint session of Congress marking the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth (12 February 1959); reported in ''Congressional Record'', vol. 105, p. 2265

* At its start, the Civil War was not fought as a war to free the slaves, but rather as a war to maintain the Union. In 1861, a war waged by the U.S. government to free the slaves, as Lincoln recognized, would have been very unpopular in the north and clearly unconstitutional. It was not until 1863, and then only as a war measure not a change in the Constitution, did Lincoln issue the Emancipation Proclamation and thereby begin a move toward the destruction of constitutionally sanctioned slavery. This move would have been terminated at Appomattox if the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments had not been adopted by the Congress and the states.
**[[w:Michael Scheuer|Michael Scheuer]], as quoted in [https://archive.is/QBuxT ''Michael Scheuer's Non-Intervention''] (22 June 2015), by M. Scheuer

* '''No man made great by death offers more hope to lowly pride than does Abraham Lincoln; for while living he was himself so simple as often to be dubbed a fool.''' Foolish he was, they said, in losing his youthful heart to a grave and living his life on married patience; foolish in pitting his homely ignorance against [[w:Stephan A. Douglas|Douglas]], brilliant, courtly, and urbane; foolish in setting himself to do the right in a world where the day goes mostly to the strong; foolish in dreaming of freedom for a long-suffering folk whom the North is as anxious to keep out as the South was to keep down; foolish in choosing the silent [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] to lead to victory the hesitant armies of the North; foolish, finally, in presuming that government for the people must be government of the people and by the people. Foolish many said; foolish many, many believed.&lt;p&gt;This Lincoln, whom so many living friends and foes alike deemed foolish, hid his bitterness in laughter; fed his sympathy on solitude; and met recurring disaster with whimsicality to muffle the murmur of a bleeding heart. Out of the tragic sense of life he pitied where others blamed; bowed his own shoulders with the woes of the weak; endured humanely his little day of chance power; and won through death what life disdains to bestow upon such simple souls — lasting peace and everlasting glory.&lt;p&gt;'''How prudently — to echo [[Wendell Phillips]] — we proud men compete for nameless graves, while now and then some starveling of Fate forgets himself into immortality.'''
** [[w:Thomas Vernor Smith|Thomas Vernor Smith]], memorial address, the Illinois State Senate, February 12, 1935, the 126th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth, ''Lincoln, Living Legend'', pp. 3–5 (1940)

* There lies the most perfect ruler of men the world has ever seen. '''Now he belongs to the ages.'''
** [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]], at Lincoln's death (15 April 1865). As quoted in ''Abraham Lincoln: A History'' (1890) by John George Nicolay and John Hay, p. 302. Though &quot;Now he belongs to the ages&quot; is by far the most accepted quotation of this remark, it is sometimes contended that he said &quot;Now he belongs to the angels&quot; but occurrences of this date back only a very few years.. &lt;!-- Google hits: 14,900 for &quot;Now he belongs to the ages&quot; vs 30 for &quot;Now he belongs to the angels&quot; and many of these also mentioning the more common attribution, and none as yet found citing sources older than the internet. ~ Kalki 2007•05•04 --&gt; Stanton had originally opposed Lincoln, dubbing him &quot;The Original Gorilla&quot; because of his looks and frontier speech, but eventually grew to admire him.

* You lay a wreath on murdered Lincoln's bier, &lt;br /&gt; You, who with mocking pencil wont to trace, &lt;br /&gt; Broad for the self-complacent British sneer, &lt;br /&gt; His length of shambling limb, his furrowed face.
** [[Tom Taylor]], ''Britannia Sympathises with Columbia'', in ''Punch'' (6 May 1865); assigned to Taylor by Shirley Brooks in his Diary (10 May 1865) — see G. S. Layard's ''Life, Letters, and Diaries of Shirley Brooks of Punch''

* We leave to some Emil Ludwig or his ilk the drawing of Abraham Lincoln's portrait with rosy little wings. Lincoln's significance lies in his not hesitating before the most severe means once they were found to be necessary in achieving a great historic aim posed by the development of a young nation. The question lies not even in which of the warring camps caused or itself suffered the greatest number of victims. History has different yardsticks for the cruelty of the Northerners and the cruelty of the Southerners in the Civil War. A slave-owner who through cunning and violence shackles a slave in chains, and a slave who through cunning or violence breaks the chains — let not the contemptible eunuchs tell us that they are equals before a court of morality!
** [[Leon Trotsky]], &quot;[[w:Their Morals and Ours|Their Morals and Ours]]&quot; (1939)

* He has doctrines, not hatreds, and is without ambition except to do good and serve his country.
** Rep. [[w:Elihu B. Washburne|Elihu B. Washburne]] (R-IL) on the nomination of Lincoln (29 May 1860)

* He has a face like a hoosier Michael Angelo, so awful ugly it becomes beautiful, with its strange mouth, its deep-cut, criss-cross lines, and its doughnut complexion.
** [[Walt Whitman]] (March 1863), ''Selected Letters'', [http://books.google.com/books?id=E-gs9DrIWmcC&amp;pg=PA53&amp;dq=%22face+like+a+hoosier+Michael+Angelo%22 p. 53]

* '''O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done, &lt;br /&gt; The [[ship]] has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won''', &lt;br /&gt; The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, &lt;br /&gt; While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
:: But O heart! heart! heart!
:::O the bleeding drops of red,
::::Where on the deck my Captain lies,
:::::Fallen cold and dead.
:* [[Walt Whitman]], in [[w:O Captain! My Captain!|O Captain! My Captain!]], written in memory of Lincoln, after his assassination

* The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of [[w:Carl Sandburg|Carl Sandburg]].
** [[Edmund Wilson]], ''Patriotic gore'' (1962), [http://books.google.com/books?id=TPpkiosd5MgC&amp;pg=PA115&amp;dq=%22fall+into+the+hands+of+Carl+Sandburg%22 p. 115]

*Stern, indomitable 'Old Abe'. There was no compromising or evasion with him to catch votes and secure another term of Presidential office. Equality and the love of human right and a recognition of the fundamental truth that the colour of the skin ought not to differentiate the human race weighed more with him. Freedom was with him an eternal principle, to live in the White House was a temporary fleeting.
**[[w:John Wilson (Mid Durham MP)|John Wilson]], ''Memories of a Labour Leader'' (1910), pp. 173–174

* The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States.
** Attributed to the ''Chicago Times'' as their editorial following the Gettysburg Address, but never traced in that newspaper's archives.

*We feel that the loss of such a man is not only a loss to the nation over which he presided, but a loss to the world at large. Raised by the force of his own character and genius from a humble position in the ranks of industry to be the first citizen of a great and glorious republic, his memory will be endeared to and enshrined in the hearts of the toiling millions of all countries, as one of the few uncrowned monarchs of the world. Abraham Lincoln has been sacrificed in the cause of negro emancipation, and the freedom of the slave has been consecrated by the blood of his deliverer. 
**[[w:London Working Men's Association|London Working Men's Association]]'s address, ‘To the President, Government, and People of the United States’, quoted in ''The assassination of Abraham Lincoln...and the attempted assassination of William H. Seward, secretary of state, and Frederick W. Seward, assistant secretary, on the evening of the 14th of April, 1865'' (1867), p. 346

* From time to time, life as a leader can look hopeless. To help you, consider a man who lived through this: Failed in business at age 31. Defeated for the legislature at 32. Again failed in business at 34. Sweetheart died at 35. Had a nervous breakdown at 36. Defeated in election at 38. Defeated for Congress at 43. Defeated for Congress at 46. Defeated for Congress at 48. Defeated for Senate at 55. Defeated for Vice President at 56. Defeated for Senate at 58. Elected President at age 60. This man was Abraham Lincoln.
** Anonymous; these numbers are years in the 1800s, not ages of his life {{source}}&lt;!-- &quot;If this is a &quot;notable anonymous quotation&quot; then please cite where it is &quot;noted.&quot; --&gt;

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 458-59&lt;/small&gt;
* &quot;Railsplitter.&quot;
** Lincoln and John Hanks in 1830 split 3,000 rails. Incident related in the House of Representatives by Washburn, and quoted in the Republican State Convention at Decatur, Macon County

* Some opulent force of genius, soul, and race, &lt;br /&gt; Some deep life-current from far centuries &lt;br /&gt; Flowed to his mind and lighted his sad eyes, &lt;br /&gt; And gave his name, among great names, high place.
** [[w:Joel Benton|Joel Benton]], ''Another Washington'' (Lincoln)

* To set the stones back in the wall &lt;br /&gt; Lest the divided house should fall. &lt;br /&gt; The beams of peace he laid, &lt;br /&gt; While kings looked on, afraid.
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Lincoln''

* Unheralded, God's captain came &lt;br /&gt; As one that answers to his name; &lt;br /&gt; Nor dreamed how high his charge, &lt;br /&gt; His privilege how large.
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Lincoln''

* If so men's memories not a monument be, &lt;br /&gt; None shalt thou have. Warm hearts, and not cold stone, &lt;br /&gt; Must mark thy grave, or thou shalt lie, unknown. &lt;br /&gt; Marbles keep not themselves; how then, keep thee?
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Thy Monument''

* O, Uncommon Commoner! may your name &lt;br /&gt; Forever lead like a living flame! &lt;br /&gt; Unschooled scholar! how did you learn &lt;br /&gt; The wisdom a lifetime may not earn? &lt;br /&gt; Unsainted martyr! higher than saint! &lt;br /&gt; You were a man with a man's constraint. &lt;br /&gt; In the world, of the world was your lot; &lt;br /&gt; With it and for it the fight you fought, &lt;br /&gt; And never till Time is itself forgot &lt;br /&gt; And the heart of man is a pulseless clot &lt;br /&gt; Shall the blood flow slow, when we think the thought &lt;br /&gt; Of Lincoln!
** [[w:Edmund Vance Cooke|Edmund Vance Cooke]], ''The Uncommon Commoner''

* A martyr to the cause of man, &lt;br /&gt; His blood is freedom's eucharist, &lt;br /&gt; And in the world's great hero list &lt;br /&gt; His name shall lead the van.
** [[w:Charles G. Halpin|Charles G. Halpin]], ''Death of Lincoln''

* When Lincoln died, hate died — &lt;br /&gt; * * * * * * &lt;br /&gt; And anger, came to North and South &lt;br /&gt; When Lincoln died.
** [[w:W. J. Lampton|W. J. Lampton]], ''Lincoln''

* That nation has not lived in vain which has given the world Washington and Lincoln, the best great men and the greatest good men whom history can show. * * * You cry out in the words of Bunyan, &quot;So Valiant-for-Truth passed over, and all the trumpets sounded for him on the other side.&quot;
** [[Henry Cabot Lodge]], ''Lincoln'', address before the Massachusetts Legislature (Feb. 12, 1909)

* Nature, they say, doth dote, &lt;br /&gt; And cannot make a man &lt;br /&gt; Save on some worn-out plan &lt;br /&gt; Repeating us by rote: &lt;br /&gt; For him her Old World moulds aside she threw &lt;br /&gt; And, choosing sweet clay from the breast &lt;br /&gt; Of the unexhausted West, &lt;br /&gt; With stuff untainted shaped a hero new.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Hero New''

*White southerners saw Lincoln as anti-slavery and his election as a direct threat to the survival of the peculiar institution. Are you going to tell me that they were stupid or deluded? Is that any way for white southerners to honor their ancestors, by ridiculing their intelligence? Indeed, [[Stephen A. Douglas|Stephen Douglas]]'s decision to accuse Lincoln of embracing racial equality tells us that playing the race, or racism, card in the 1850s was alive and well, because Douglas believed that he would gain political traction among racist Illinois voters, who were white, after all, by associating Lincoln with the cause of black equality. '''Lincoln's response was thus also an issue of political survival. So was his decision not to publicize his support for limited black suffrage in Louisiana in 1864. He advanced the idea in a private letter, but waited thirteen months until he made his sentiment public, and three days after he made that sentiment public, he fell victim to an assassin's bullet because [[w:John Wilkes Booth|that assassin]] [[Bigotry|could not bear the thought of]] black equality. Lincoln knew he lived in a racist America, north and south'''.
**[[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47560 &quot;Race and Slavery, North and South: Some Logical Fallacies&quot;] (18 June 2011), ''Crossroads'', WordPress

* Look on this cast, and know the hand &lt;br /&gt; That bore a nation in its hold; &lt;br /&gt; From this mute witness understand &lt;br /&gt; What Lincoln was — how large of mould.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Hand of Lincoln''

* Lo, as I gaze, the statured man, &lt;br /&gt; Built up from yon large hand appears: &lt;br /&gt; A type that nature wills to plan &lt;br /&gt; But once in all a people's years.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Hand of Lincoln''

* No Cæsar he whom we lament, &lt;br /&gt; A Man without a precedent, &lt;br /&gt; Sent, it would seem, to do &lt;br /&gt; His work, and perish, too.
** [[Richard Henry Stoddard]], ''The Man We Mourn Today''

* It's one of those figures that everybody knows who he is, so they think they know who he is, and they don't. They just know a name. They just know an idea. What he was, finally, in my view, was that he created the United States as we know it, he created the nation state as we know it.
** [[Gore Vidal]], as quoted in ''Gore Vidal: The United States of Amnesia'' (2013), documentary film

*Mr. Bates was for compulsory deportation. 'The Negro would not', he said, 'go voluntary'. He had great local attachment but no enterprise or persistency. '''[[w:Abraham Lincoln|The President]] objected unequivocally to compulsion. The emigration must be voluntary and without expense to themselves'''. [[Great Britain]], Denmark and perhaps other powers would take them. I remarked there was no necessity for a treaty which had been suggested. Any person who desired to leave the country could do so now, whether white or black, and it was best to have it so-a voluntary system; the emigrant who chose to leave our shores could and would go where there were the best inducements.
**[[Gideon Welles]], as quoted in [http://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/2713705.pdf?acceptTC=true ''Diary of Gideon Wells''], I, p. 152

* This dust was once the man, &lt;br /&gt; Gentle, plain, just and resolute, under whose cautious hand, &lt;br /&gt; Against the foulest crime in history known in any land or age, &lt;br /&gt; Was saved the Union of these States.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Memories of President Lincoln'', ''This Dust Was Once the Man''

* O captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; &lt;br /&gt; The ship has weather'd every rack; the prize we sought is won; &lt;br /&gt; The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, &lt;br /&gt; While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring? &lt;br /&gt; But O heart! heart! heart! O the bleeding drops of red, &lt;br /&gt; Where on the deck my captain lies, fallen cold and dead.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Captain! My Captain!''

* The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage is closed and done. &lt;br /&gt; From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won. &lt;br /&gt; Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells; but I with mournful tread &lt;br /&gt; Walk the deck my captain lies, fallen cold and dead.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Captain! My Captain!''

*That means nigger citizenship. Now, by God, I will put him through. That will be the last speech he will ever make.
**[[w:John Wilkes Booth|John Wilkes Booth]], to [[w:Lewis Powell (conspirator)|Lewis Powell]] after Lincoln's [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/last.htm last public address] (11 April 1865), as quoted in Steers, Edward (2002). Blood on the Moon. Lexington, Ky.: University Press of Kentucky. {{ISBN|0813122775}}, p. 91. Also mentioned in Swanson, James. Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer. Harper Collins, 2006. {{ISBN|978-0-06-051849-3}}

==See also==
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]

== External link ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource author}}[https://www.wishingyoufirst.online/2019/10/abraham-lincoln-quotes-about-education.html Abraham Lincoln Quotes About Education | Democracy | Civil War | Liberties | Slavery | Freedom]

[https://www.wishingyoufirst.online/2019/10/best-abraham-lincoln-quotes-on-life.html Best Abraham Lincoln Quotes On Life]

*[http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/al16.html White House Biography]
*[http://www.abrahamlincoln.org/ The Lincoln Institute]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandfreedom.org Mr. Lincoln and Freedom]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandfriends.org Mr. Lincoln and Friends]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandthefounders.org Mr. Lincoln and the Founders]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandnewyork.org Mr. Lincoln and New York]
**[http://www.mrlincolnswhitehouse.org Mr. Lincoln's White House]
*[http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln77.html Especially for Students: An Overview of Abraham Lincoln's Life]
*[http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/alhtml/alhome.html Mr. Lincoln's Virtual Library]
*[http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/alhtml/malhome.html Abraham Lincoln Papers at the Library of Congress] (1850&amp;ndash;1865)
*[http://www.nps.gov/liho/historyculture/debates.htm The Lincoln - Douglas Debates (1858)]
*[http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Political Debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas at Bartleby.com]
*[http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html Poetry written by Abraham Lincoln]
*[http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org Abraham Lincoln Online]
*[http://www.hti.umich.edu/l/lincoln/ The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln]
*[http://lenbernstein.com/Pages/EgoJustice.html Discussion of John Drinkwater's play ''Abraham Lincoln'']
*[http://www.nps.gov/linc/ The Lincoln Memorial] Washington, D.C.
*[http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln.html Abraham Lincoln's Assassination]
*[http://www.lincolnherald.com/1970articleSubstitute.html John Summerfield Staples, President Lincoln's &quot;Substitute&quot;]
===Documents at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]]===
* Speeches and addresses
**{{gutenberg | no=4 | name=Gettysburg Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=9 | name=Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=8 | name=Abraham Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=8110 | name=Lincoln Letters}}
**{{gutenberg | no=14721 | name=Speeches and Letters of Abraham Lincoln, 1832-1865}}
**{{gutenberg | no=5024 | name=State of the Union Addresses}}
* ''The Writings of Abraham Lincoln''
**{{gutenberg | no=2653 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 1: 1832-1843}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2654 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 2: 1843-1858}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2655 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 3: the Lincoln-Douglas debates}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2656 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 4: the Lincoln-Douglas debates}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2657 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 5: 1858-1862}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2658 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 6: 1862-1863}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2659 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 7: 1863-1865}}
* Miscellany
**{{gutenberg | no=12462 | name=A Compilation of the Messages and Papers of the Presidents: Volume 6, part 1: Abraham Lincoln}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2517 | name=Lincoln's Yarns and Stories}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lincoln, Abraham}}
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      <text bytes="329723" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]]
[[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]]  ]]
[[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]]

'''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}}
== A ==
* It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war.
** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863).

*  My voice is still for war.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1.

* They sent forth men to battle,&lt;br&gt;But no such men return;&lt;br&gt;And home, to claim their welcome,&lt;br&gt;Come ashes in an urn.
** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: &quot;Thinkability&quot;

* There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second.
** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)].

*A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]].
**[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980)

* We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967)

* And by a prudent flight and cunning save&lt;br&gt;A life, which valour could not, from the grave.&lt;br&gt;A better buckler I can soon regain;&lt;br&gt;But who can get another life again?
** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''.

* Let who will boast their courage in the field,&lt;br&gt;I find but little safety from my shield.&lt;br&gt;Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:&lt;br&gt;This made me cast my useless shield away.
** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe.
** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* This is war. '''Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

*If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. 
**[[Julian Assange]], quoted in  [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,]  October 22, 2021

== B ==
[[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]]

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]
[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]]                            
[[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]]

*Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades.  And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?  I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*We’ve been a nation too long at war.  If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. 
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless.
**[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936)  p. 180   

*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

* Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]].
** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii

* The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: &quot;Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now.&quot;
** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''.

* [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]].
** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately.

* I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it.
** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987)

*The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in &quot;colossal danger&quot; due to the threat from nuclear weapons.  In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed.
** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019).

* All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say&lt;br&gt;  Except now and then a stray picket&lt;br&gt;Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,&lt;br&gt;  By a rifleman hid in the thicket.
** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt; Arm! Advance!&lt;br&gt; Hope of France!&lt;br&gt;Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt;Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks!
** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation.

* Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war.
** [[Wendell Berry]], &quot;A Statement against the War in Vietnam&quot;, ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969)

* The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. &quot;World power or downfall&quot; will be our rallying cry.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII.

* We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII.

* Just for a word—&quot;[[neutrality]],&quot; a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her.
** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914.

* War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv.

* ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.''
** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is &quot;The Eastern Question is not worth,&quot; etc.

* ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.''
** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel.

* ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.''
** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859).

* [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron.
** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''.

* War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland.
** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996).

* No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* Generals gathered in their masses&lt;br&gt; just like witches at black masses.&lt;br&gt; Evil minds that plot destruction,&lt;br&gt; sorcerer of death's construction.
** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]]

* What a place to plunder!
** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: &quot;The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty.&quot; The German quoted would be correctly translated &quot;what rubbish!&quot; Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated.

* War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided.
** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''.

* War will make corpses of us all.
** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* It is magnificent, but it is not war.
** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&amp;nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]].
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

* Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].
** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113

* Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war.
** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article &quot;Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast&quot; by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07.

* [[Politics]] is the domestication of war.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Yo-Yo Boing!&quot;.

*What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].&quot;
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;United States of Banana&quot;.

* My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Empire of Dreams&quot;.

* [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''.

* Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in &quot;Harvest of Seasons&quot; of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']]

* War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts
** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22

* The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54.

* In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation.

* Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;&lt;br&gt; Leave in its track the toiling plough;&lt;br&gt;The rifle and the bayonet-blade&lt;br&gt; For arms like yours were fitter now;&lt;br&gt;And let the hands that ply the pen&lt;br&gt; Quit the light task, and learn to wield&lt;br&gt;The horseman's crooked brand, and rein&lt;br&gt; The charger on the battle-field.
** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack.
** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918.

* The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called &quot;The General of No Retreat.&quot; See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* You are there, stay there.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace&quot;, letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283.

* This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers.
** [[William S. Burroughs]], &quot;The War Universe&quot;, taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)].

* Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;&lt;br&gt;Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,&lt;br&gt;Welcome to your gory bed,&lt;br&gt;  Or to victory!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''.

* But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of &quot;divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind,&quot; adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, &quot;and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it.&quot;
** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621).

* ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.''
** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones.
*** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''.

* In all the trade of war, no feat&lt;br&gt;Is nobler than a brave retreat.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607.

* For those that run away, and fly,&lt;br&gt;Take place at least o' th' enemy.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609.

* Bloody wars at first began,&lt;br&gt;The artificial plague of man,&lt;br&gt;That from his own invention rise,&lt;br&gt;To scourge his own iniquities.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105.

* War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
* A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small &quot;inside&quot; group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23.

* A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
* Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. 
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40.

* O proud was our army that morning&lt;br&gt; That stood where the pine darkly towers,&lt;br&gt;When Sherman said—&quot;Boys, you are weary,&lt;br&gt; This day fair Savannah is ours.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Then sang we a song for our chieftain&lt;br&gt; That echoed o'er river and lea,&lt;br&gt;And the stars on our banner shone brighter&lt;br&gt; When Sherman marched down to the sea.
** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Hand to hand, and foot to foot:&lt;br&gt;Nothing there, save death, was mute;&lt;br&gt;Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry&lt;br&gt;For quarter or for victory,&lt;br&gt;Mingle there with the volleying thunder.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24.

* War, war is still the cry, &quot;War even to the knife!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86.

* And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,&lt;br&gt;  The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,&lt;br&gt;Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,&lt;br&gt;  And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;&lt;br&gt;  And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar&lt;br&gt;And near; the beat of the alarming drum&lt;br&gt;  Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;&lt;br&gt;While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,&lt;br&gt;Or whispering with white lips—&quot;The foe! they come! they come!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25.

* Battle's magnificently stern array!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28.

* The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,&lt;br&gt;And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

* Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,&lt;br&gt;That host with their banners at sunset were seen;&lt;br&gt;Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,&lt;br&gt;That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

== C ==
[[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Cicero]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] 
[[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]]
[[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html  William Crandell  in  ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]]

* ''Veni, vidi, vici.''
** I came, I saw, I conquered.
** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, &quot;non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam.&quot; Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, &quot;Ueni, uidi, uici.&quot; Never shall insolent barbarian say &quot;I came, I saw, I conquered.&quot; Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653).

* ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.''
** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes.
** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21.

* War is the answer if you're questioning the general.
**[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo &quot;Army Gunz&quot;] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records

*I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)
 
* War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes.
** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997)

* The combat deepens. On, ye brave,&lt;br&gt;Who rush to glory, or the grave!&lt;br&gt;Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,&lt;br&gt;  And charge with all thy chivalry.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.''
** The guard dies but does not surrender.
*** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, &amp; Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''.

* '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other.
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, &quot;Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty&quot;, chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911).

* There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word &quot;Fire!&quot; is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands...
**[[Thomas Carlyle]] in &quot;Sartor Resartus&quot;, quoted in &quot;In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign&quot; by Leon Wolff (1958).

* O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,&lt;br&gt; How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte&lt;br&gt;In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,&lt;br&gt; Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte.
** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''.

* Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938

* The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble.
** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249.

* To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as &quot;It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'&quot; in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as &quot;To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war&quot; on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has &quot;better to talk jaw to jaw than have war&quot;, and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, &quot;It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war&quot;.

* Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news
 | first = Leonard
 | last = Fein
 | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/
 | title = This Time It's Our War
 | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]]
 | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]]
 | accessdate = 2007-01-13
}}

*  ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.''
** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.
*** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library]

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war.
** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''.
** Variant translations:
*** In a time of war, the law falls silent.
*** Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

* Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.
** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22.

* Silent leges inter arma.
** The law is silent during war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV.

* Pro aris et focis.
** For your altars and your fires.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this.

* Nervi belli pecunia infinita.
** Endless money forms the sinews of war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. (&quot;Corn&quot; for &quot;money&quot;).

* There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war.
** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999).

* We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die.
**[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,&lt;br&gt;Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.
** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833.

* War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833.

* War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833.

* War is fought by human beings.
** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833.

* [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars.
** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986)  [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)]

* We made war to the end—to the very end of the end.
** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918).

* ''War is not the answer &lt;br&gt; For only love can conquer hate &lt;br&gt; You know we've got to find a way &lt;br&gt; To bring some lovin' here today''
** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971)

* I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html &quot;In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation&quot;], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]]

* What voice did on my spirit fall,&lt;br&gt;  Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?&lt;br&gt;  &quot;'Tis better to have fought and lost,&lt;br&gt;Than never to have fought at all.&quot;
** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], &quot;Peschiera&quot;. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure.
** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, &quot;Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons&quot;, Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115.

* War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243.

* [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, &quot;while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows...&quot; At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.&lt;br /&gt;At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, &quot;and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat.&quot;
** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174.

* The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world.
** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813).

* But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,&lt;br&gt;Kings would not play at.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187.

* Hence jarring sectaries may learn&lt;br&gt;Their real interest to discern;&lt;br&gt;That brother should not war with brother,&lt;br&gt;And worry and devour each other.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
[[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]].  ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]]

[[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]]  ]]

* [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders.
** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847.

* We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it.
** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812).

* There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists.
** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5).

* War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

== D ==
[[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;J. Davidson&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.'''
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy.

* From fear in every guise,&lt;br&gt; From sloth, from love of pelf,&lt;br&gt;By war's great sacrifice&lt;br&gt; The world redeems itself.
**  [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. &lt;br&gt; They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. &lt;br&gt; And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. &lt;br&gt; Yours not to reason why;&lt;br&gt;Yours but to do and die. &lt;br&gt; That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. &lt;br&gt; If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''.
** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972).

*The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan.
**[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like  ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019)

* ''Di qui non si passa.''
** By here they shall not pass.
***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano.
* ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.''
** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle.

* What argufies pride and ambition?&lt;br&gt; Soon or late death will take us in tow:&lt;br&gt;Each bullet has got its commission,&lt;br&gt; And when our time's come we must go.
** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves.
** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280.

* A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855).

* Carry his body hence,—&lt;br&gt;Kings must have slaves;&lt;br&gt;Kings climb to eminence&lt;br&gt;Over men's graves:&lt;br&gt;So this man's eye is dim;—&lt;br&gt;Throw the earth over him.
** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], &quot;Before Sedan&quot;, line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King &amp; Co., 1873), p. 56.

*We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* All delays are dangerous in war.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, he sung, is toil and trouble;&lt;br&gt;Honour but an empty bubble.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99.
*At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,&lt;br /&gt;The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end.
**[[Du Fu]], Tang poet
* When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''.

* 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920).

*'&lt;b&gt;A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.&lt;/b&gt; Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &amp;mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.'
**[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, &lt;i&gt;Stormrider&lt;/i&gt;]] (Ch. 15)

== E ==
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* There is no discharge in that war.
** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Moral Decay&quot; (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950)

* I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15.

* Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, &quot;Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world.&quot; She answered, &quot;O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it.&quot;
**[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499].

* As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in &quot;Einstein on the Atomic Bomb,&quot; part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&amp;pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945])

* '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173.

* '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931).
** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.'''

* '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels.

* '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]]

* All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address.

* '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.'''
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)]

*I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now.
**{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}}

* By the rude bridge that arched the flood,&lt;br&gt;  Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;&lt;br&gt;Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,&lt;br&gt;  And fired the shot heard round the world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.'''
** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508)

* Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate.
** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722.

== F ==
[[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.'''
** Elma &quot;Pen&quot; Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html &quot;Philo Taylor Farnsworth&quot;, ''Brigham Young University Highschool''].

* It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war...
** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}}

* Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination.
** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916).

* O great corrector of enormous times,&lt;br&gt;Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider&lt;br&gt;Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood&lt;br&gt;The earth when it is sick, and curest the world&lt;br&gt;O' the pleurisy of people.
** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1.

* Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both.
** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302.

* My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions.
** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]].

* Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. &quot;No reserves.&quot; No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup!
** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919).

* I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine.
** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919).

* Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.&lt;br&gt;There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;&lt;br&gt;  Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home.
** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War.

* '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.'''
** [[Gerald Ford]],  Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25.

* War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*Expect no quarter.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''.

*The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914.

* It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war.
**[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007.

*'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do.  It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights.
**[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath  ''Critical Path''] (1981)

== G ==
[[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Your flaming torch aloft we bear,&lt;br&gt;With burning heart an oath we swear&lt;br&gt;To keep the faith, to fight it through,&lt;br&gt;To crush the foe or sleep with you&lt;br&gt;  In Flanders' fields.
** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields.

* The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down.
** As quoted in &quot;The First and the Last,&quot; 1954.

* What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142

* You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,&lt;br&gt;These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.&lt;br&gt;Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:&lt;br&gt;Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity.
** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,&lt;br&gt;That every bullet hath a lighting place.
** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men.
** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815.
*I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''.
**Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com]

* [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater speciﬁcity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]].
** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96.

* The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].&lt;br&gt; Christ: the principle of love.&lt;br&gt; Marx: the principle of hate.
** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. &lt;br&gt; Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. &lt;br&gt; Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.&lt;br&gt;''

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

* Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over.
** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''.

* Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,&lt;br&gt;  Once more from roaring cannon and the drums&lt;br&gt;  And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;&lt;br&gt;Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:&lt;br&gt;  Once more your Captain calls to you;&lt;br&gt;  Come to his last review!
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''.

* An attitude not only of defence, but defiance.
** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. &quot;Defence not defiance&quot; became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859).

* '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.&lt;br&gt; ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. &lt;br&gt;''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.'''
** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)]

* O, send Lewis Gordon hame&lt;br&gt;And the lad I maune name,&lt;br&gt;Though his back be at the wa'&lt;br&gt;Here's to him that's far awa'.&lt;br&gt;O, hon! my Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;O, my bonny Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;Weel would I my true love ken&lt;br&gt;Among ten thousand Highlandmen.
** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''.

* '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239.

* No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862.

* For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12.

* '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27.

* '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]].
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in &quot;International [[Arbitration]]&quot; by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180.

* '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67.

*'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,&lt;br&gt;War was foundering of sublimities,&lt;br&gt;Extinction of each happy art and faith&lt;br&gt;By which the world had still kept head in air'''.
** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War,&quot; lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938).

* The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]].
** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as &quot;the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey&quot;.

* We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. 
** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in &quot;Sword Point&quot; - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988.

* ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.''
** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose.
*** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540).

== H ==
[[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account.
** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&amp;pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}}

*War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise...
**[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005)

* The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war.
** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412

* '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.'''
** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, &lt;small&gt;  {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Yes; quaint and curious war is!&lt;br&gt;  You shoot a fellow down&lt;br&gt;You'd treat if met where any bar is,&lt;br&gt;  Or help to half-a-crown.
** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They were left in the lurch&lt;br&gt;For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;With his arms full of hymnbooks …&lt;br&gt;Rang his voice, &quot;Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts.&quot;
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''.

* An hour ago, a Star was falling.&lt;br&gt;A star? There's nothing strange in that.&lt;br&gt;  No, nothing; but above the thicket,&lt;br&gt;Somehow it seemed to me that God&lt;br&gt;  Somewhere had just relieved a picket.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''.

* Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,&lt;br&gt;  And of armèd men the hum;&lt;br&gt;Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered&lt;br&gt;  Round the quick alarming drum—&lt;br&gt;   Saying, Come,&lt;br&gt;   Freemen, Come!&lt;br&gt;Ere your heritage be wasted,&lt;br&gt;  Said the quick alarming drum.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''.

* Let the only walls the foe shall scale&lt;br&gt;  Be ramparts of the dead!
** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* My men never retire. They go forward or they die.
** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him.
* Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war.
**[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002)

* The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]].
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths]  (11 June 2005)

* Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at.
**[[Chris Hedges]],   [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&amp;t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021

* Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation.
** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116.

* The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force.
**[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

* Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139.  &quot;While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information&quot; there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry &quot;when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties&quot;. Wirt collected information from &quot;intelligent and reliable&quot; auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. &quot;Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period&quot;, the fact that the speech conforms to others in &quot;oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments&quot; from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. &quot;Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history&quot;. Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. &quot;I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817&quot;. Carroll A. Wilson, &quot;Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log&quot;, ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204.

* '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]]

* Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there.
** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;
*# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.'''
*# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889])
*#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: &quot;And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc.&quot;
*#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43.
*#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B).
*#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz.
*#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.''
*# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]]
*# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943)
* Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα.
*# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.'''
*# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889])
*#: &quot;The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources:
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682.
*#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.''
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586.&quot;

* Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &amp;#91;Christian&amp;#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God.
** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition''

* Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,&lt;br&gt;  Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;&lt;br&gt;Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember&lt;br&gt;  Who was our friend when the world was our foe.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful.

*When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought.
** William Holt    https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt

* I war not with the dead.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte.

*   Take thou thy arms and come with me,&lt;br&gt;For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive&lt;br&gt;To aid our cause, although we be but two.&lt;br&gt;Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,&lt;br&gt;And we can combat even with the brave.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation.

* The chance of war&lt;br&gt;Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation.

* It is not right to exult over slain men.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41).

* So ends the bloody business of the day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation

* Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166.

* Nimirum hic ego sum.
** Here indeed I am; this is my position.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42

* Postquam Discordia tetra&lt;br&gt;Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit.
** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,&lt;br&gt;  And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius.

* Ye who made war that your ships&lt;br&gt;  Should lay to at the beck of no nation,&lt;br&gt;Make war now on Murder, that slips&lt;br&gt;  The leash of her hounds of damnation;&lt;br&gt;Ye who remembered the Alamo,&lt;br&gt;Remember the Maine!
** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''.

**We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided.
**[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9

* Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:&lt;br&gt;He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:&lt;br&gt;He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:&lt;br&gt;      His truth is marching on.
** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''.

* ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.''
** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet.
** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet.

* Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''.

* The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver).
** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649).

* Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces.
**Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime  ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018)

* The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''.

*If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet...  My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]].
**[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world  '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018)

* All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], in &quot;Pacifism and Philosophy&quot; (1936).

== I ==
* Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.]
** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35.

* I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.
** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945).

* Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
** [[Isaiah]], 2:4.

== J ==
[[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]]
[[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]]
[[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet!
** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21.

*When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War.  Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.&lt;BR&gt; And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]].  So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''.  I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons...
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

*What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].'''  So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017..   So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''.
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

* You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic.
** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]]

* YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. &lt;br&gt; For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress.
**[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation]

* He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off.
** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today.
** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
: “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God!
:* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&amp;p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12]

*How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: &quot;The first casualty when war comes is truth&quot;, attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”.
**[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail]   (March 10, 2016)

* I have prayed in her fields of poppies,&lt;br&gt;  I have laughed with the men who died—&lt;br&gt;But in all my ways and through all my days&lt;br&gt;  Like a friend He walked beside.&lt;br&gt;I have seen a sight under Heaven&lt;br&gt;  That only God understands,&lt;br&gt;In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there&lt;br&gt;  With the Sword of God in His hand.
** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for.
** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009).

* Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy].
** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson]

*A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism.
**[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775).

* The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.
** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The people arose as one man.
** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one.
** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &amp;ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&amp;rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007.

* In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high.
** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920)

== K ==
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

*(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all.
**[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004.

* Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81

* All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically.
** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm &quot;Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View&quot;] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis''

* By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''.

* [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed.&quot;
** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36.

* 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. 
** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012.

* [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction.
** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html &quot;Strike Against War&quot;, speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)].

* Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves.
** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940).

* Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]].
** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88

* Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)]

* Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)

* War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 &quot;On Language&quot; article &quot;Warrior&quot; in the New York Times rubric Magazines.]

* For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet.
** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston &amp; New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}}

* '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. &quot;Pursue peace,&quot; the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]&lt;!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --&gt;

* And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 &quot;Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis&quot; (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]].

* Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind
** [[John F. Kennedy]],  Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961).
* The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222

* Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) 

[[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.  A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead.  For they  would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors.  ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]]

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963)  

* '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], &quot;the survivors would envy the dead.&quot; For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963) 

* It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary.
** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem

* O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation.
**[[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot; (1814).

* The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''&quot;theory of competitive control.&quot;''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population.
** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013.

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''.

* War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding.
** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692

* Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact.
** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. &quot;The spruce beauty of the slender red line.&quot; Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6.

* For heathen heart that puts her trust&lt;br&gt;  In reeking tube and iron shard—&lt;br&gt;All valiant dust that builds on dust,&lt;br&gt;  And guarding calls not Thee to guard—&lt;br&gt;For frantic boast and foolish word,&lt;br&gt;Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Four things greater than all things are,—&lt;br&gt;Women and Horses and Power and War.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890).

* For agony and spoil&lt;br&gt;  Of nations beat to dust,&lt;br&gt;For poisoned air and tortured soil&lt;br&gt;  And cold, commanded lust,&lt;br&gt;And every secret woe&lt;br&gt;  The shuddering waters saw—&lt;br&gt;Willed and fulfilled by high and low—&lt;br&gt;  Let them relearn the Law.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918).

* But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:&lt;br /&gt;Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, &quot;brainy capitalists&quot; and other elegant and eminent &quot;very best people.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, hardly.&lt;br /&gt;Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.&lt;br /&gt;Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:&lt;br /&gt;If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.&lt;br /&gt;We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.&lt;br /&gt;Let those who want &quot;great victories&quot; ''go to the firing line and get them''.&lt;br /&gt;If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.&lt;br /&gt;&quot;What is war?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;They say &quot;War is Hell.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell.
** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28

* You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King.
** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.&lt;br&gt; Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.”  Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp,  Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

* War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course.
** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274.
[[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]]

*We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.&lt;BR&gt;There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.&lt;BR&gt;[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere...  The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''&lt;BR&gt;[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. 
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]]  (1938)

*You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.&lt;BR&gt; To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. &lt;BR&gt;There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286)
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'',  [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']]   (1938)

* &quot;…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. 
** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs &amp; Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12

* Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war.
** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] &amp; [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234

== L ==
[[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* War will not end until all of the violent people are killed.
** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''.

* Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly.
** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom.
** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place.
** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855).

* It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862).

* When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war!
** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2.

* Art, thou hast many infamies,&lt;br&gt;But not an infamy like this.&lt;br&gt;O snap the fife and still the drum&lt;br&gt;And show the monster as she is.
** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too.
** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988)

* I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before.
** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in &quot;[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]&quot; on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973).

* O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me.
** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV.

* The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

*Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863)

* One month too late.
** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* To arms! to arms! ye brave!&lt;br&gt;  Th' avenging sword unsheathe,&lt;br&gt;March on! march on! all hearts resolved&lt;br&gt;  On victory or death!
** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908.

* At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,&lt;br&gt;Sat feasting the officers, one and all—&lt;br&gt;Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,&lt;br&gt;One raised his glass, held high to hail,&lt;br&gt;Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,&lt;br&gt;Spoke three words only: &quot;To the day!&quot;
** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore.
** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): &quot;Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942&quot;. ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166.

* Ez fer war, I call it murder,—&lt;br&gt;  Ther you hev it plain and flat;&lt;br&gt;I don't want to go no furder&lt;br&gt;  Than my Testyment fer that.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1.

* We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3.

* Not but wut abstract war is horrid,&lt;br&gt;  I sign to thet with all my heart,—&lt;br&gt;But civilysation doos git forrid&lt;br&gt;  Sometimes, upon a powder-cart.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7.

* War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation.
** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion.

* God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last £100,000,000 will win.
** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8.

* Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,&lt;br&gt;  With such accursed instruments as these,&lt;br&gt;Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,&lt;br&gt;  And jarrest the celestial harmonies?
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Ultima ratio regum.''
** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.]
** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759.

* The Campbells are comin'.
** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée&lt;br&gt;Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?&lt;br&gt;Cet embrasement de l'enfer?&lt;br&gt;Ce tourbillonnement d'armées&lt;br&gt;Par mille milliers de milliers?&lt;br&gt;—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.''
** For what this whirlwind all aflame?&lt;br&gt;    This thunderstroke of hellish ire,&lt;br&gt;    Setting the universe afire?&lt;br&gt;  While millions upon millions came&lt;br&gt;    Into a very storm of war?&lt;br&gt;      For a scrap of paper.
** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5.

* ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.''
** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32.

* ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.''
** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.'''
*** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579.

* ''Omnibus hostes&lt;br&gt;Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.''
**   Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52.

* ''Non tam portas intrare patentes&lt;br&gt;Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono&lt;br&gt;Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;&lt;br&gt;Concessa pudet ire via.''
** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443.

* 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd!
** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes.
** Quoted in &quot;My War Memories, 1914-1918&quot; - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919

* Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt).
** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. &quot;If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones.&quot; Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917.

== M ==
[[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[James Madison]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]]
[[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,&lt;br&gt;  With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?&lt;br&gt;And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?&lt;br&gt;  And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951

* In war there is no substitute for victory.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951

* That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145

*[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage...
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171

* Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono.
** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6

* War in men's eyes shall be&lt;br&gt;A monster of iniquity&lt;br&gt;  In the good time coming.&lt;br&gt;Nations shall not quarrel then,&lt;br&gt;  To prove which is the stronger;&lt;br&gt;Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—&lt;br&gt;  Wait a little longer.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''.

* The warpipes are pealing, &quot;The Campbells are coming.&quot;&lt;br&gt;  They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it?
** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.''
** Here I am and here I stay.
** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him &quot;Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste&quot;.

* War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried.
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Universal Peace&quot;, National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building.

* '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.'''
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Political Observations&quot; (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491

* No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614.

* The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue.
** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics.

* ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,&lt;br&gt;Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Ne sait quand reviendra.''
** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America &quot;We won't go home until morning.&quot; Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians.

* ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.)
** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late.
** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD)

* Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.
** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g &quot;Toy Soldiers&quot;] (1988), ''Martika''

*War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour.
**{{cite journal
 | last = Masaryk
 | first = Tomáš Garrigue
 | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
 | date = 2017-03-29
 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism
 | journal = The New Europe
 | volume = 2
 | issue = 24
 | pages =342–350
 | issn =  
 | doi = 
 | id = 
 | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism
 }}

* And silence broods like spirit on the brae,&lt;br&gt;  A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs&lt;br&gt;Over the grasses of the ancient way&lt;br&gt;  Rutted this morning by the passing guns.
** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King.

* For a flying foe&lt;br&gt;Discreet and provident conquerors build up&lt;br&gt;A bridge of gold.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1.

* Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,&lt;br&gt;And takes away the use of it; and my sword,&lt;br&gt;Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,&lt;br&gt;Will not be drawn.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1.

* Wars and rumours of wars.
** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21.

* All quiet along the Potomac.
** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed.
** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43

* There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,&lt;br&gt;  Some say that nane wan at a', man,&lt;br&gt;But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,&lt;br&gt;  A battle there was which I saw, man.&lt;br&gt;And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,&lt;br&gt;  And we ran, and they ran awa', man.
** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715).

* [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate.
** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in  ''The Fog of War -  Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95.

* There is war in the skies!
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12.

* [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. &lt;br&gt; Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block.
** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017).

* Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction.
** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016)

* War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy.
** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27.

* What though the field be lost?&lt;br&gt;All is not lost; the unconquerable will,&lt;br&gt;And study of revenge, immortal hate&lt;br&gt;And courage never to submit or yield,&lt;br&gt;And what is else not to be overcome.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105.

* Heard so oft&lt;br&gt;In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge&lt;br&gt;Of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275.

* Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,&lt;br&gt;Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.&lt;br&gt;With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,&lt;br&gt;Seraphic arms and trophies.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536.

* My sentence is for open war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51.

* Others more mild,&lt;br&gt;Retreated in a silent valley, sing&lt;br&gt;With notes angelical to many a harp&lt;br&gt;Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall&lt;br&gt;By doom of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546.

* Black it stood as night,&lt;br&gt;Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,&lt;br&gt;And shook a dreadful dart.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670.

* So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell&lt;br&gt;Grew darker at their frown.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719.

* Arms on armour clashing bray'd&lt;br&gt;Horrible discord, and the madding wheels&lt;br&gt;Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise&lt;br&gt;Of conflict.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209.

* To overcome in battle, and subdue&lt;br&gt;Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite&lt;br&gt;Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch&lt;br&gt;Of human glory.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691.

* The brazen throat of war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713.

* No war or battle sound&lt;br&gt;Was heard the world around.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings.
** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154.

* In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}.
** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}''

*&lt;p&gt;Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&amp;#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&amp;#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&amp;#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c&lt;small&gt;&lt;sup&gt;e&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/small&gt;, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].
**Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&amp;nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to &lt;!--Page 35--&gt;add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.&lt;/p&gt;
***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].

* In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence.
** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out.
** [[Alan Moore]], &quot;The Craft&quot; - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005)

* Thrilled ye ever with the story&lt;br&gt;How on stricken fields of glory&lt;br&gt;Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail!
** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan.

* We had nae heed for the parish bell,&lt;br&gt;  But still—when the bugle cried,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,&lt;br&gt;  And there for you we died!
** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915).

== N ==
[[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people.  [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]]
[[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective.  War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] 
* They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word.
** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894)

* 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon.
** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.
** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Baptism of fire.
** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us.
** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1.

* '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in  ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946).

* '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950).

* '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950).

* England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day.
** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order &quot;Nelson confides,&quot; which was changed to &quot;England expects.&quot; See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370.
* You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''.

* What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior.
** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141.

* A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning.
** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the &quot;war in our cities&quot;.

* I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.
** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14.

* A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;&lt;br&gt;There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears.
** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

[[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
== O ==
[[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

* We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002).

* I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars.
**[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004)

*That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. 
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002)

* '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. 
**[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009)

* '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015)

* War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such.
**[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&amp;pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3.

* '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016)

*War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, &amp; working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020)

* March to the battle-field,&lt;br&gt;  The foe is now before us;&lt;br&gt;Each heart is Freedom's shield,&lt;br&gt;  And heaven is shining o'er us.
** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''.
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]]
 
[[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.    ~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]]

*War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word &quot;war&quot;, therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]

*In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... 
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III.

* There is a hill in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;  Heaped with a thousand slain,&lt;br&gt;Where the shells fly night and noontide&lt;br&gt;  And the ghosts that died in vain,&lt;br&gt;A little hill, a hard hill&lt;br&gt;  To the souls that died in pain.
** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915).

== P ==
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Palafox&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Kirby Page&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]]
[[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]]

[[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]]
* Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts.
** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000)

* In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]&quot; (1924).

* Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008)

* Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War even to the knife.
** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted &quot;At the point of the knife&quot;.

* Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green.

* Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him.
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294

* War is organised murder, and nothing else.
** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]).

* Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933).

* ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange &lt;br&gt; If we accept them we will never win.''
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of &quot;Absolute War&quot; a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492.

* ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving &lt;br&gt; Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory &lt;br&gt; You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. &lt;br&gt;  Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. &lt;br&gt; Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, &lt;br&gt; Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of &quot;Absolute War&quot;, as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492.

* Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''.

* Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3

*But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''.

*War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}}

* [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas.
** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919.

* Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See &quot;Literary Digest History of World War,&quot; Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918.

* ''Ils ne passeront pas.''
** They shall not pass.
*** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: &quot;They (the Germans) must not pass.&quot; General Pétain said: &quot;They shall not pass.&quot; In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917.

*The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them.
**[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times''  November 15th, 2021

* γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.&lt;br/&gt;πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς.
* '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, &lt;br/&gt;but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.'''
** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377.
*** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb &quot;''Dulce bellum inexpertis''&quot; which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]].
*** Variant translations:
:::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.'''
:::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it
:::* War is sweet to those who do not know it.
:::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it.
:::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

* From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],&lt;br&gt;Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.&lt;br&gt;Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;&lt;br&gt;And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,&lt;br&gt;Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,&lt;br&gt;And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.&lt;br&gt;Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past&lt;br&gt;His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.&lt;br&gt;On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.&lt;br&gt;Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine.
** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista.

*As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers.
**[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)'']    (16 January 2019)

* If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777).

*When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
**[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e.

* The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are.
** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b.

* He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27.

* Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456.

* It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them.
** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) 
**[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole  ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,]  (21 April 2019)  

* She saw her sons with purple death expire,&lt;br&gt;Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,&lt;br&gt;A dreadful series of intestine wars,&lt;br&gt;Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323.

*War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army.
**Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook

* Porter states that &quot;the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists.&quot;
** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli &amp; Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997).  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21

* When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto.
**[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''.

* The waves&lt;br&gt;Of the mysterious death-river moaned;&lt;br&gt;The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar&lt;br&gt;Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry&lt;br&gt;Of myriad victims, filled the air.
** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16.

* A man is known by the Company he joins.&lt;br&gt;Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.&lt;br&gt;Never look a gift gun in the mouth.&lt;br&gt;A drop of oil in time saves time.&lt;br&gt;One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.&lt;br&gt;Where there's a war there's a way.
** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917.

* In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for &quot;aggressive&quot; chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too &quot;complex&quot; and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. 
** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&amp;pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89.

* Everyone loses in war. But some lose more than others.
** Charles Lachlan Podesta &amp; Sun Dawei, James Ruse Agricultural Institution, 2022.

* I haven't always been a teacher - Life goes on.
** Dr Farag P, St George Bank CEO - Australian NSW Senator Ranked, 2022.

* No Worries, 9-11 is the code, don't fall asleep
** Shiv, Graduate of Edgoverigian University and Professor of the prestigious University of Harvard

* Oooh, here's a new rich friend who's gonna do up my backyard
** Mr Farag, - Developed Economy Embarking on an Expansionary Policy page 822.

== Q ==
* If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must.
** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), &quot;Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must.&quot;

*Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum.
** (Slaughter) means blood and iron.
** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''.

== R ==
[[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]

* ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.''
** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with &quot;golden&quot; bridge for &quot;silver.&quot; The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64.

* Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none!
** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204

* I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no.
** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941.

* '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984).

* A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. &lt;br&gt; Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed.
** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”].

* I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight.
** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012)

* War on the cheap is always a rotten policy.
** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009.

* From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31.

* [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230.

* Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. 

* People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], &quot;The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)&quot;, (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1.

* And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon.
** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles.

* Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
**  Revelation 6:1-2

* Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,&lt;br&gt;  The wine was red as blood.&lt;br&gt;Cried one, &quot;How long then must we wait&lt;br&gt;Ere we shall thunder at the gate,&lt;br&gt;  And crush the cursed brood?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Twelve men of iron, drinking late,&lt;br&gt;Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:&lt;br&gt;* &quot;The Day!&quot;
** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''.

* When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...]  The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] &quot;'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''&quot; This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider &quot;Thou shalt not kill&quot; and &quot;As ye sow, so shall ye reap&quot;. Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' 
** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006).

* The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]].
** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 &quot;Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine&quot;] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018.

* If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support.
** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63.

* The morning came, there stood the foe;&lt;br&gt;  Stark eyed them as they stood;&lt;br&gt;Few words he spoke—'twas not a time&lt;br&gt;  For moralizing mood:&lt;br&gt;&quot;See there the enemy, my boys!&lt;br&gt;  Now, strong in valor's might,&lt;br&gt;Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep&lt;br&gt;  In widowhood to-night.&quot;
** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''.

*Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !&lt;br&gt;The red-cross squadrons madly rage,&lt;br&gt; And mow thro' infancy and age...
**[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786).

* I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: &quot;The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure&quot;. Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743.

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on.
** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.

* Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive.
** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in &quot;The Nazis: A Warning from History&quot;, Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in &quot;The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership&quot; - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999.

* And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517.

* To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: &quot;We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord.&quot;
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June.

* Righteous Heaven,&lt;br&gt;In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor&lt;br&gt;And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,&lt;br&gt;For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,&lt;br&gt;Would plunge his native land in civil wars.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198.

* War, the needy bankrupt's last resort.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343.

* War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others.
* When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense.
* [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability.
:* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&amp;context=jclc &quot;Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States&quot;], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940.

*Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory.
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)   

*To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)       
 
* He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.
** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V.

* It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet.
** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq

* '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine].

* Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did.
** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8

* '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.'''
** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78&lt;!--79--&gt;

* [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel.
** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of &quot;the thin red line&quot; claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191.

== S ==
[[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. &quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot; ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]]
[[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]]

* I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''&quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot;'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war.
** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007).

* Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;The People, Yes&quot;, ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464.

*Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution.   One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. 
**[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002)

* Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. 
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. &lt;br&gt; They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]].
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4

* Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following.
** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI &quot;Blinded in Chains&quot;] (2005), ''City of Evil''

* Only the dead have seen the end of war.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm].

* '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.'''
** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918)

* The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal.
** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41

*Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;&lt;br&gt;Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.''
** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies.
** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!&lt;br&gt;  It was a slaughter rather than a battle.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50.

* Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten&lt;br&gt;Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten.
** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140.

* War is not healthy for children and other living things.
** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection].

* ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.''
** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it.
** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16.

* One blast upon his bugle horn&lt;br&gt;  Were worth a thousand men.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18.

* In the lost battle,&lt;br&gt;  Borne down by the flying,&lt;br&gt;Where mingles war's rattle&lt;br&gt;  With groans of the dying.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11.

* &quot;Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!&quot;&lt;br&gt;Were the last words of Marmion.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32.

* Still from the sire the son shall hear&lt;br&gt;Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,&lt;br&gt;  Of Flodden's fatal field,&lt;br&gt;When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,&lt;br&gt;  And broken was her shield!
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34.

* There was a stately drama writ&lt;br&gt;  By the hand that peopled the earth and air,&lt;br&gt;And set the stars in the infinite,&lt;br&gt;  And made night gorgeous and morning fair;&lt;br&gt;And all that had sense to reason knew&lt;br&gt;That bloody drama must be gone through.&lt;br&gt;Some sat and watched how the action veered—&lt;br&gt;Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—&lt;br&gt;We saw not clearly nor understood,&lt;br&gt;  But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,&lt;br&gt;Each in his part as best he could,&lt;br&gt;  We played it through as the author planned.
** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''.

* Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968)

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York&quot;], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4

* Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions.
** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202.

* It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858.

* They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]].
** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;, (February 16, 1993).

* There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They shall not pass, tho' battleline&lt;br&gt;May bend, and foe with foe combine,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' death rain on them from the sky&lt;br&gt;  Till every fighting man shall die,&lt;br&gt;France shall not yield to German Rhine.
** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg.

* Hold the Fort! I am coming.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is hell.
** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: &quot;War is Hell.&quot; See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71.

* I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864)

* '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.'''
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia.

* I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell!
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek  ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933).

* '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.'''
** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17.

* ''J'ai vécu.''
** I existed.
** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81.

* '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.'''
** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850).

* Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,&lt;br&gt;  But ah! what found she there?&lt;br&gt;The little streams were running red,&lt;br&gt;  And the torn fields were bare;&lt;br&gt;And all about the ruined towers&lt;br&gt;  Where once her king was crowned,&lt;br&gt;The hurtling ploughs of war and death&lt;br&gt;  Had scored the desolate ground.
** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself.
** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434.

* Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is.
** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8.

* Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war!
** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}.

* I came, I saw, God overcame.
** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards.

* The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately.
** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger &quot;As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power&quot;] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020)

* A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77

* War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945)

* War was a kind of poverty with bullets.
** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327

* A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39

* [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War''

*[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
**[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War'']

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

* Terrible as an army with banners.
** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10.

* Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it).
** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Then more fierce&lt;br&gt;The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell&lt;br&gt;Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,&lt;br&gt;The groan of death, commingled in one sound&lt;br&gt;Of undistinguish'd horrors.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV.

* War! war! war!&lt;br&gt;Heaven aid the right!&lt;br&gt;God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!&lt;br&gt;God send the women sleep in the long, long night,&lt;br&gt;  When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII.

* The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI.

* But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,&lt;br&gt;  Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;&lt;br&gt;And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,&lt;br&gt;  May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:&lt;br&gt;* And Old Brown,&lt;br&gt;* Osawatomie Brown,&lt;br&gt;May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859.

* '''Never run against a war hero.'''
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html &quot;History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson&quot; by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)].

*In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.&lt;BR&gt; In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

* Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears&lt;br&gt;Waste of youth's most precious years,&lt;br&gt;Waste of ways the saints have trod,&lt;br&gt;Waste of Glory, waste of God,&lt;br&gt;War!
** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919)

* When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed.
** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Hobbes clearly proves that every creature&lt;br&gt;Lives in a state of war by nature.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, that mad game the world so loves to play.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron&lt;br&gt;Shall a nation be moulded to last.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''.

* War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed.
** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67

== T ==
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Tacitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes.
** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20.

* Deos fortioribus adesse.
** The gods are on the side of the stronger.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17.

* We can start at once. We made preparations on the way.
** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: &quot;When will you be ready?&quot; (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims.

* [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920).

* A little more grape, Captain Bragg.
** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The children born of thee are sword and fire,&lt;br&gt;Red ruin, and the breaking up of law.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423.

* It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt.
** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy).

* Half a league, half a league,&lt;br&gt;  Half a league onward,&lt;br&gt;All in the valley of Death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Forward the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;  Charge for the guns!&quot; he said,&lt;br&gt;Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1.

* Forward, the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;Was there a man dismayed?&lt;br&gt;  Not tho' the soldier knew&lt;br&gt;    Some one had blunder'd.&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to make reply,&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to reason why,&lt;br&gt;Theirs but to do and die.&lt;br&gt; Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2.

* Cannon to right of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon to left of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon in front of them&lt;br&gt;    Volley'd and thunder'd;&lt;br&gt;Stormed at with shot and shell,&lt;br&gt;Boldly they rode and well,&lt;br&gt;  Into the jaws of Death,&lt;br&gt;Into the mouth of Hell&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. &quot;Jaws of death&quot; used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4.

* ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.''
** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms.

* Ten good soldiers, wisely led,&lt;br&gt;Will beat a hundred without a head.
** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks.  … &quot;[[Winston Churchill]] said &quot;The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]].&quot; Churchill also said &quot;In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]].&quot; &lt;br&gt; That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted &quot;Dis-information.&quot; That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], &quot;When War Drums Roll&quot; (17 September 2001)

*Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar.
**[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* But what most showed the vanity of life&lt;br&gt;Was to behold the nations all on fire.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55.

* We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]])  had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer.
**[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,'']  (22 November 2018)

* Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war.
** [[Thucydides]], &quot;The Funeral Speech&quot;, ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39.

* &quot;Victory after all, I suppose!&quot; he said, feeling his aching head. &quot;Well, it seems a very gloomy business.&quot;
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''.
*War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings''

* A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482.

* War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men!
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74.

* God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76.

* The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie...
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375.

* '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. &lt;br /&gt; While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. &lt;br /&gt; Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. &lt;br /&gt; As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. &lt;br /&gt; '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)]

*On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. 
**[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008)

* Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for &quot;the universal brotherhood of man&quot; — with his mouth.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''.

* When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&quot;O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen&quot;.
** [[Mark Twain]], &quot;The War Prayer&quot; (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98.

== V ==
* With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantiﬁed was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap.
** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94

* This is the soldier brave enough to tell&lt;br&gt;The glory-dazzled world that &quot;war is hell.&quot;
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives.
** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all &quot;HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era&quot;] (1995), ''The New York Times''

* '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder.  It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all.  We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake.
** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria?  From  ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with  Russia  and  China  in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]],  [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran]  (3 January 2020)

* ''Arma virumque cano.''
** Arms and the man I sing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1.

* … I saw these terrible things,&lt;br&gt;and took great part in them.
** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi&lt;br&gt;et quorum pars magna fui).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: &quot;All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was&quot;. Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy.

* ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.''
** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354.

* ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?''
** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor?
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390.

* ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.''
** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754.

* ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.''
** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461.

* ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.''
** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104.

* ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.''
** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington.

== W ==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
**[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals &amp; Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106.

* On to Richmond.
** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign.

* A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778

* To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace.
** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790.

* They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834.

* Up Guards and at 'em!
** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. &quot;What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack.&quot; See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington.

* Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.
** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton.
** Attributed to Wellington. &quot;The battle of Waterloo was won here,&quot; was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.).

* ''The War That Will End War''.
** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase &quot;The war to end war&quot; is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: &quot;This war, like the next war, is a war to end war&quot;. See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase.

* A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40.

*'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''.
:* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1

* The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill.
** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.'''
** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936).

* [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields.
** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017).

* This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,&lt;br&gt;Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;&lt;br&gt;Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,&lt;br&gt;They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton.
** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! &lt;br&gt; There's got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; What is it good for? &lt;br&gt; War has caused unrest &lt;br&gt; Among the younger generation &lt;br&gt; Induction then destruction &lt;br&gt; Who wants to die? &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War-I despise &lt;br&gt; Because it means destruction &lt;br&gt; Of innocent lives &lt;br&gt; War means tears &lt;br&gt; To thousands of mothers how &lt;br&gt; When their sons go off to fight &lt;br&gt; And lose their lives &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; It's an enemy of all mankind &lt;br&gt; No point of war &lt;br&gt; Because you're a man &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War has shattered &lt;br&gt; Many young men's dreams &lt;br&gt; We've got no place for it today &lt;br&gt; They say we must fight to keep our freedom &lt;br&gt; But Lord, there's just got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; '''Friend only to the undertaker'''''
** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969)
** ''Life is much to short and precious &lt;br&gt; To spend fighting wars these days &lt;br&gt; War can't give life &lt;br&gt; It can only take it away &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; War, friend only to the undertaker &lt;br&gt; Peace, love and understanding &lt;br&gt; Tell me, is there no place for them today.''
*** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War &amp; Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War &amp; Peace]]''. (1970)

* Now we remember over here in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)&lt;br&gt;  This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.&lt;br&gt;We never thought about You much in England,&lt;br&gt;But now that we are far away from England&lt;br&gt;  We have no doubts, we know that You are here.
** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916.

* We seemed to see our flag unfurled,&lt;br&gt;  Our champion waiting in his place&lt;br&gt;For the last battle of the world,&lt;br&gt;  The Armageddon of the race.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke).
** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, &quot;Civis romanus sum,&quot; hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, &quot;I am a German citizen.&quot;
** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every bullet has its billet.
** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!&lt;br&gt;Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there!
** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907.

* War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914.

* You have laid upon me this double obligation: &quot;we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained.&quot;
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916.

* It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917.

* In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art.
** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''.

* They came with banner, spear, and shield;&lt;br&gt;And it was proved in Bosworth field,&lt;br&gt;Not long the Avenger was withstood—&lt;br&gt;Earth help'd him with the cry of blood.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* But Thy most dreaded instrument&lt;br&gt;In working out a pure intent,&lt;br&gt;Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—&lt;br&gt;Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. &quot;But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail.&quot; Version in later editions.

* Everyone loses in war, even the winners.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2

* War is murder, king-sized.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius”

== Z ==

* As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp.
** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606.

*The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself.
**[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]]  in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/  ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,'']  (15 August 2018) 

*One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]]  (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that &quot;these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence.&quot; The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... 
**[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf  ''A People's History of the United States'',&lt;small&gt;(Full text online)&lt;/small&gt;] (1980) p. 402

* Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?
** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'',  “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)
 
*America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.)
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

== Unknown authorship ==

* War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, &quot;… entrusted to generals&quot;.

* Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&amp;redir_esc=y 1915])

* It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. 
** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia''

==War quotations in fiction==

[[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]]
* Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].
:* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975).

* There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving.
**[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor

* Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]].

* '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.&lt;br&gt;'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great.
** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980).

* What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume.
** [[George Lucas]]  [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005.

* Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul.
** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''.

* Property, the whole thing's about property.
** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''.

* There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand.
** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''.

* War makes thieves of many honest folk.
** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I)

* Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''.

* &quot;When I go home, people ask me: &quot;Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?&quot;, I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is.&quot;
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''.

* With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.
** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''.

* I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called &quot;possession of my soul.&quot; There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.
** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''.

* If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''.

* A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.
** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''.

[[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]]
* We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]]

*'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war!
* [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', &quot;[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]&quot;, ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942).

* In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings.
** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land.
** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''.

* You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.
** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''.

* And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]?
** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War

* The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''.

==See also==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Disarmament]]
* [[Just war theory]]
* [[Martial arts]]
* [[Military]]
*[[Military-industrial complex]]
* [[Nuclear war]]
* [[Pacifism]]
* [[Peace]]
*[[The Pentagon]]
* [[Soldiers]]
*[[Violence]]
* [[War and peace]]
*[[War crimes]]
* [[Weapons]]
*[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]]
* [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]]
* [[:Category:Wars and battles]]
{{Social and political philosophy}}

==External links==
* [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]]
*[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]]
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|war}}
{{wikisource portal|Wars}}
{{Commons}}

[[Category:War| ]]</text>
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      <text bytes="329846" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]]
[[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]]  ]]
[[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]]

'''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}}
== A ==
* It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war.
** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863).

*  My voice is still for war.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1.

* They sent forth men to battle,&lt;br&gt;But no such men return;&lt;br&gt;And home, to claim their welcome,&lt;br&gt;Come ashes in an urn.
** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: &quot;Thinkability&quot;

* There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second.
** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)].

*A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]].
**[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980)

* We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967)

* And by a prudent flight and cunning save&lt;br&gt;A life, which valour could not, from the grave.&lt;br&gt;A better buckler I can soon regain;&lt;br&gt;But who can get another life again?
** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''.

* Let who will boast their courage in the field,&lt;br&gt;I find but little safety from my shield.&lt;br&gt;Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:&lt;br&gt;This made me cast my useless shield away.
** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe.
** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* This is war. '''Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

*If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. 
**[[Julian Assange]], quoted in  [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,]  October 22, 2021

== B ==
[[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]]

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]
[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]]                            
[[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]]

*Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades.  And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?  I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*We’ve been a nation too long at war.  If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. 
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless.
**[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936)  p. 180   

*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

* Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]].
** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii

* The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: &quot;Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now.&quot;
** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''.

* [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]].
** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately.

* I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it.
** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987)

*The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in &quot;colossal danger&quot; due to the threat from nuclear weapons.  In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed.
** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019).

* All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say&lt;br&gt;  Except now and then a stray picket&lt;br&gt;Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,&lt;br&gt;  By a rifleman hid in the thicket.
** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt; Arm! Advance!&lt;br&gt; Hope of France!&lt;br&gt;Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt;Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks!
** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation.

* Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war.
** [[Wendell Berry]], &quot;A Statement against the War in Vietnam&quot;, ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969)

* The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. &quot;World power or downfall&quot; will be our rallying cry.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII.

* We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII.

* Just for a word—&quot;[[neutrality]],&quot; a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her.
** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914.

* War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv.

* ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.''
** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is &quot;The Eastern Question is not worth,&quot; etc.

* ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.''
** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel.

* ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.''
** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859).

* [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron.
** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''.

* War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland.
** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996).

* No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* Generals gathered in their masses&lt;br&gt; just like witches at black masses.&lt;br&gt; Evil minds that plot destruction,&lt;br&gt; sorcerer of death's construction.
** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]]

* What a place to plunder!
** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: &quot;The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty.&quot; The German quoted would be correctly translated &quot;what rubbish!&quot; Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated.

* War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided.
** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''.

* War will make corpses of us all.
** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* It is magnificent, but it is not war.
** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&amp;nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]].
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

* Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].
** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113

* Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war.
** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article &quot;Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast&quot; by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07.

* [[Politics]] is the domestication of war.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Yo-Yo Boing!&quot;.

*What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].&quot;
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;United States of Banana&quot;.

* My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Empire of Dreams&quot;.

* [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''.

* Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in &quot;Harvest of Seasons&quot; of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']]

* War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts
** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22

* The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54.

* In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation.

* Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;&lt;br&gt; Leave in its track the toiling plough;&lt;br&gt;The rifle and the bayonet-blade&lt;br&gt; For arms like yours were fitter now;&lt;br&gt;And let the hands that ply the pen&lt;br&gt; Quit the light task, and learn to wield&lt;br&gt;The horseman's crooked brand, and rein&lt;br&gt; The charger on the battle-field.
** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack.
** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918.

* The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called &quot;The General of No Retreat.&quot; See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* You are there, stay there.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace&quot;, letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283.

* This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers.
** [[William S. Burroughs]], &quot;The War Universe&quot;, taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)].

* Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;&lt;br&gt;Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,&lt;br&gt;Welcome to your gory bed,&lt;br&gt;  Or to victory!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''.

* But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of &quot;divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind,&quot; adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, &quot;and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it.&quot;
** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621).

* ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.''
** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones.
*** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''.

* In all the trade of war, no feat&lt;br&gt;Is nobler than a brave retreat.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607.

* For those that run away, and fly,&lt;br&gt;Take place at least o' th' enemy.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609.

* Bloody wars at first began,&lt;br&gt;The artificial plague of man,&lt;br&gt;That from his own invention rise,&lt;br&gt;To scourge his own iniquities.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105.

* War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
* A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small &quot;inside&quot; group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23.

* A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
* Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. 
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40.

* O proud was our army that morning&lt;br&gt; That stood where the pine darkly towers,&lt;br&gt;When Sherman said—&quot;Boys, you are weary,&lt;br&gt; This day fair Savannah is ours.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Then sang we a song for our chieftain&lt;br&gt; That echoed o'er river and lea,&lt;br&gt;And the stars on our banner shone brighter&lt;br&gt; When Sherman marched down to the sea.
** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Hand to hand, and foot to foot:&lt;br&gt;Nothing there, save death, was mute;&lt;br&gt;Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry&lt;br&gt;For quarter or for victory,&lt;br&gt;Mingle there with the volleying thunder.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24.

* War, war is still the cry, &quot;War even to the knife!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86.

* And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,&lt;br&gt;  The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,&lt;br&gt;Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,&lt;br&gt;  And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;&lt;br&gt;  And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar&lt;br&gt;And near; the beat of the alarming drum&lt;br&gt;  Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;&lt;br&gt;While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,&lt;br&gt;Or whispering with white lips—&quot;The foe! they come! they come!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25.

* Battle's magnificently stern array!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28.

* The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,&lt;br&gt;And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

* Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,&lt;br&gt;That host with their banners at sunset were seen;&lt;br&gt;Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,&lt;br&gt;That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

== C ==
[[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Cicero]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] 
[[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]]
[[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html  William Crandell  in  ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]]

* ''Veni, vidi, vici.''
** I came, I saw, I conquered.
** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, &quot;non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam.&quot; Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, &quot;Ueni, uidi, uici.&quot; Never shall insolent barbarian say &quot;I came, I saw, I conquered.&quot; Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653).

* ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.''
** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes.
** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21.

* War is the answer if you're questioning the general.
**[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo &quot;Army Gunz&quot;] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records

*I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)
 
* War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes.
** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997)

* The combat deepens. On, ye brave,&lt;br&gt;Who rush to glory, or the grave!&lt;br&gt;Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,&lt;br&gt;  And charge with all thy chivalry.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.''
** The guard dies but does not surrender.
*** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, &amp; Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''.

* '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other.
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, &quot;Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty&quot;, chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911).

* There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word &quot;Fire!&quot; is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands...
**[[Thomas Carlyle]] in &quot;Sartor Resartus&quot;, quoted in &quot;In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign&quot; by Leon Wolff (1958).

* O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,&lt;br&gt; How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte&lt;br&gt;In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,&lt;br&gt; Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte.
** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''.

* Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938

* The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble.
** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249.

* To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as &quot;It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'&quot; in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as &quot;To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war&quot; on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has &quot;better to talk jaw to jaw than have war&quot;, and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, &quot;It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war&quot;.

* Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news
 | first = Leonard
 | last = Fein
 | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/
 | title = This Time It's Our War
 | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]]
 | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]]
 | accessdate = 2007-01-13
}}

*  ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.''
** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.
*** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library]

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war.
** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''.
** Variant translations:
*** In a time of war, the law falls silent.
*** Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

* Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.
** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22.

* Silent leges inter arma.
** The law is silent during war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV.

* Pro aris et focis.
** For your altars and your fires.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this.

* Nervi belli pecunia infinita.
** Endless money forms the sinews of war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. (&quot;Corn&quot; for &quot;money&quot;).

* There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war.
** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999).

* We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die.
**[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,&lt;br&gt;Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.
** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833.

* War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833.

* War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833.

* War is fought by human beings.
** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833.

* [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars.
** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986)  [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)]

* We made war to the end—to the very end of the end.
** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918).

* ''War is not the answer &lt;br&gt; For only love can conquer hate &lt;br&gt; You know we've got to find a way &lt;br&gt; To bring some lovin' here today''
** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971)

* I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html &quot;In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation&quot;], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]]

* What voice did on my spirit fall,&lt;br&gt;  Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?&lt;br&gt;  &quot;'Tis better to have fought and lost,&lt;br&gt;Than never to have fought at all.&quot;
** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], &quot;Peschiera&quot;. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure.
** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, &quot;Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons&quot;, Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115.

* War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243.

* [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, &quot;while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows...&quot; At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.&lt;br /&gt;At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, &quot;and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat.&quot;
** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174.

* The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world.
** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813).

* But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,&lt;br&gt;Kings would not play at.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187.

* Hence jarring sectaries may learn&lt;br&gt;Their real interest to discern;&lt;br&gt;That brother should not war with brother,&lt;br&gt;And worry and devour each other.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
[[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]].  ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]]

[[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]]  ]]

* [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders.
** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847.

* We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it.
** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812).

* There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists.
** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5).

* War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

== D ==
[[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;J. Davidson&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.'''
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy.

* From fear in every guise,&lt;br&gt; From sloth, from love of pelf,&lt;br&gt;By war's great sacrifice&lt;br&gt; The world redeems itself.
**  [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. &lt;br&gt; They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. &lt;br&gt; And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. &lt;br&gt; Yours not to reason why;&lt;br&gt;Yours but to do and die. &lt;br&gt; That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. &lt;br&gt; If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''.
** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972).

*The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan.
**[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like  ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019)

* ''Di qui non si passa.''
** By here they shall not pass.
***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano.
* ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.''
** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle.

* What argufies pride and ambition?&lt;br&gt; Soon or late death will take us in tow:&lt;br&gt;Each bullet has got its commission,&lt;br&gt; And when our time's come we must go.
** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves.
** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280.

* A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855).

* Carry his body hence,—&lt;br&gt;Kings must have slaves;&lt;br&gt;Kings climb to eminence&lt;br&gt;Over men's graves:&lt;br&gt;So this man's eye is dim;—&lt;br&gt;Throw the earth over him.
** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], &quot;Before Sedan&quot;, line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King &amp; Co., 1873), p. 56.

*We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* All delays are dangerous in war.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, he sung, is toil and trouble;&lt;br&gt;Honour but an empty bubble.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99.
*At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,&lt;br /&gt;The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end.
**[[Du Fu]], Tang poet
* When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''.

* 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920).

*'&lt;b&gt;A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.&lt;/b&gt; Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &amp;mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.'
**[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, &lt;i&gt;Stormrider&lt;/i&gt;]] (Ch. 15)

== E ==
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* There is no discharge in that war.
** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Moral Decay&quot; (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950)

* I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15.

* Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, &quot;Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world.&quot; She answered, &quot;O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it.&quot;
**[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499].

* As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in &quot;Einstein on the Atomic Bomb,&quot; part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&amp;pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945])

* '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173.

* '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931).
** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.'''

* '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels.

* '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]]

* All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address.

* '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.'''
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)]

*I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now.
**{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}}

* By the rude bridge that arched the flood,&lt;br&gt;  Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;&lt;br&gt;Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,&lt;br&gt;  And fired the shot heard round the world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.'''
** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508)

* Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate.
** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722.

== F ==
[[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.'''
** Elma &quot;Pen&quot; Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html &quot;Philo Taylor Farnsworth&quot;, ''Brigham Young University Highschool''].

* It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war...
** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}}

* Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination.
** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916).

* O great corrector of enormous times,&lt;br&gt;Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider&lt;br&gt;Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood&lt;br&gt;The earth when it is sick, and curest the world&lt;br&gt;O' the pleurisy of people.
** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1.

* Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both.
** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302.

* My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions.
** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]].

* Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. &quot;No reserves.&quot; No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup!
** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919).

* I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine.
** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919).

* Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.&lt;br&gt;There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;&lt;br&gt;  Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home.
** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War.

* '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.'''
** [[Gerald Ford]],  Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25.

* War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*Expect no quarter.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''.

*The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914.

* It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war.
**[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007.

*'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do.  It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights.
**[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath  ''Critical Path''] (1981)

== G ==
[[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Your flaming torch aloft we bear,&lt;br&gt;With burning heart an oath we swear&lt;br&gt;To keep the faith, to fight it through,&lt;br&gt;To crush the foe or sleep with you&lt;br&gt;  In Flanders' fields.
** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields.

* The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down.
** As quoted in &quot;The First and the Last,&quot; 1954.

* What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142

* You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,&lt;br&gt;These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.&lt;br&gt;Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:&lt;br&gt;Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity.
** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,&lt;br&gt;That every bullet hath a lighting place.
** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men.
** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815.
*I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''.
**Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com]

* [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater speciﬁcity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]].
** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96.

* The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].&lt;br&gt; Christ: the principle of love.&lt;br&gt; Marx: the principle of hate.
** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. &lt;br&gt; Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. &lt;br&gt; Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.&lt;br&gt;''

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

* Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over.
** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''.

* Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,&lt;br&gt;  Once more from roaring cannon and the drums&lt;br&gt;  And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;&lt;br&gt;Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:&lt;br&gt;  Once more your Captain calls to you;&lt;br&gt;  Come to his last review!
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''.

* An attitude not only of defence, but defiance.
** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. &quot;Defence not defiance&quot; became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859).

* '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.&lt;br&gt; ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. &lt;br&gt;''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.'''
** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)]

* O, send Lewis Gordon hame&lt;br&gt;And the lad I maune name,&lt;br&gt;Though his back be at the wa'&lt;br&gt;Here's to him that's far awa'.&lt;br&gt;O, hon! my Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;O, my bonny Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;Weel would I my true love ken&lt;br&gt;Among ten thousand Highlandmen.
** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''.

* '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239.

* No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862.

* For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12.

* '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27.

* '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]].
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in &quot;International [[Arbitration]]&quot; by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180.

* '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67.

*'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,&lt;br&gt;War was foundering of sublimities,&lt;br&gt;Extinction of each happy art and faith&lt;br&gt;By which the world had still kept head in air'''.
** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War,&quot; lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938).

* The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]].
** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as &quot;the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey&quot;.

* We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. 
** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in &quot;Sword Point&quot; - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988.

* ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.''
** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose.
*** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540).

== H ==
[[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account.
** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&amp;pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}}

*War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise...
**[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005)

* The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war.
** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412

* '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.'''
** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, &lt;small&gt;  {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Yes; quaint and curious war is!&lt;br&gt;  You shoot a fellow down&lt;br&gt;You'd treat if met where any bar is,&lt;br&gt;  Or help to half-a-crown.
** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They were left in the lurch&lt;br&gt;For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;With his arms full of hymnbooks …&lt;br&gt;Rang his voice, &quot;Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts.&quot;
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''.

* An hour ago, a Star was falling.&lt;br&gt;A star? There's nothing strange in that.&lt;br&gt;  No, nothing; but above the thicket,&lt;br&gt;Somehow it seemed to me that God&lt;br&gt;  Somewhere had just relieved a picket.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''.

* Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,&lt;br&gt;  And of armèd men the hum;&lt;br&gt;Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered&lt;br&gt;  Round the quick alarming drum—&lt;br&gt;   Saying, Come,&lt;br&gt;   Freemen, Come!&lt;br&gt;Ere your heritage be wasted,&lt;br&gt;  Said the quick alarming drum.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''.

* Let the only walls the foe shall scale&lt;br&gt;  Be ramparts of the dead!
** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* My men never retire. They go forward or they die.
** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him.
* Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war.
**[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002)

* The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]].
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths]  (11 June 2005)

* Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at.
**[[Chris Hedges]],   [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&amp;t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021

* Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation.
** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116.

* The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force.
**[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

* Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139.  &quot;While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information&quot; there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry &quot;when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties&quot;. Wirt collected information from &quot;intelligent and reliable&quot; auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. &quot;Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period&quot;, the fact that the speech conforms to others in &quot;oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments&quot; from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. &quot;Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history&quot;. Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. &quot;I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817&quot;. Carroll A. Wilson, &quot;Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log&quot;, ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204.

* '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]]

* Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there.
** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;
*# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.'''
*# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889])
*#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: &quot;And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc.&quot;
*#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43.
*#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B).
*#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz.
*#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.''
*# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]]
*# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943)
* Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα.
*# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.'''
*# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889])
*#: &quot;The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources:
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682.
*#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.''
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586.&quot;

* Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &amp;#91;Christian&amp;#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God.
** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition''

* Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,&lt;br&gt;  Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;&lt;br&gt;Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember&lt;br&gt;  Who was our friend when the world was our foe.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful.

*When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought.
** William Holt    https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt

* I war not with the dead.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte.

*   Take thou thy arms and come with me,&lt;br&gt;For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive&lt;br&gt;To aid our cause, although we be but two.&lt;br&gt;Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,&lt;br&gt;And we can combat even with the brave.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation.

* The chance of war&lt;br&gt;Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation.

* It is not right to exult over slain men.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41).

* So ends the bloody business of the day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation

* Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166.

* Nimirum hic ego sum.
** Here indeed I am; this is my position.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42

* Postquam Discordia tetra&lt;br&gt;Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit.
** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,&lt;br&gt;  And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius.

* Ye who made war that your ships&lt;br&gt;  Should lay to at the beck of no nation,&lt;br&gt;Make war now on Murder, that slips&lt;br&gt;  The leash of her hounds of damnation;&lt;br&gt;Ye who remembered the Alamo,&lt;br&gt;Remember the Maine!
** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''.

**We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided.
**[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9

* Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:&lt;br&gt;He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:&lt;br&gt;He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:&lt;br&gt;      His truth is marching on.
** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''.

* ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.''
** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet.
** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet.

* Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''.

* The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver).
** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649).

* Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces.
**Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime  ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018)

* The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''.

*If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet...  My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]].
**[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world  '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018)

* All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], in &quot;Pacifism and Philosophy&quot; (1936).

== I ==
* Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.]
** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35.

* I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.
** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945).

* Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
** [[Isaiah]], 2:4.

== J ==
[[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]]
[[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]]
[[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet!
** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21.

*When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War.  Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.&lt;BR&gt; And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]].  So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''.  I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons...
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

*What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].'''  So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017..   So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''.
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

* You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic.
** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]]

* YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. &lt;br&gt; For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress.
**[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation]

* He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off.
** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today.
** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
: “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God!
:* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&amp;p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12]

*How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: &quot;The first casualty when war comes is truth&quot;, attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”.
**[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail]   (March 10, 2016)

* I have prayed in her fields of poppies,&lt;br&gt;  I have laughed with the men who died—&lt;br&gt;But in all my ways and through all my days&lt;br&gt;  Like a friend He walked beside.&lt;br&gt;I have seen a sight under Heaven&lt;br&gt;  That only God understands,&lt;br&gt;In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there&lt;br&gt;  With the Sword of God in His hand.
** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for.
** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009).

* Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy].
** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson]

*A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism.
**[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775).

* The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.
** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The people arose as one man.
** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one.
** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &amp;ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&amp;rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007.

* In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high.
** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920)

== K ==
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

*(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all.
**[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004.

* Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81

* All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically.
** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm &quot;Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View&quot;] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis''

* By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''.

* [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed.&quot;
** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36.

* 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. 
** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012.

* [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction.
** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html &quot;Strike Against War&quot;, speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)].

* Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves.
** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940).

* Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]].
** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88

* Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)]

* Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)

* War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 &quot;On Language&quot; article &quot;Warrior&quot; in the New York Times rubric Magazines.]

* For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet.
** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston &amp; New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}}

* '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. &quot;Pursue peace,&quot; the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]&lt;!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --&gt;

* And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 &quot;Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis&quot; (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]].

* Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind
** [[John F. Kennedy]],  Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961).
* The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222

* Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) 

[[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.  A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead.  For they  would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors.  ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]]

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963)  

* '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], &quot;the survivors would envy the dead.&quot; For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963) 

* It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary.
** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem

* O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation.
**[[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot; (1814).

* The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''&quot;theory of competitive control.&quot;''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population.
** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013.

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''.

* War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding.
** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692

* Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact.
** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. &quot;The spruce beauty of the slender red line.&quot; Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6.

* For heathen heart that puts her trust&lt;br&gt;  In reeking tube and iron shard—&lt;br&gt;All valiant dust that builds on dust,&lt;br&gt;  And guarding calls not Thee to guard—&lt;br&gt;For frantic boast and foolish word,&lt;br&gt;Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Four things greater than all things are,—&lt;br&gt;Women and Horses and Power and War.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890).

* For agony and spoil&lt;br&gt;  Of nations beat to dust,&lt;br&gt;For poisoned air and tortured soil&lt;br&gt;  And cold, commanded lust,&lt;br&gt;And every secret woe&lt;br&gt;  The shuddering waters saw—&lt;br&gt;Willed and fulfilled by high and low—&lt;br&gt;  Let them relearn the Law.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918).

* But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:&lt;br /&gt;Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, &quot;brainy capitalists&quot; and other elegant and eminent &quot;very best people.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, hardly.&lt;br /&gt;Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.&lt;br /&gt;Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:&lt;br /&gt;If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.&lt;br /&gt;We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.&lt;br /&gt;Let those who want &quot;great victories&quot; ''go to the firing line and get them''.&lt;br /&gt;If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.&lt;br /&gt;&quot;What is war?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;They say &quot;War is Hell.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell.
** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28

* You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King.
** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.&lt;br&gt; Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.”  Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp,  Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

* War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course.
** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274.
[[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]]

*We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.&lt;BR&gt;There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.&lt;BR&gt;[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere...  The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''&lt;BR&gt;[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. 
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]]  (1938)

*You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.&lt;BR&gt; To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. &lt;BR&gt;There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286)
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'',  [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']]   (1938)

* &quot;…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. 
** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs &amp; Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12

* Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war.
** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] &amp; [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234

== L ==
[[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* War will not end until all of the violent people are killed.
** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''.

* Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly.
** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom.
** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place.
** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855).

* It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862).

* When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war!
** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2.

* Art, thou hast many infamies,&lt;br&gt;But not an infamy like this.&lt;br&gt;O snap the fife and still the drum&lt;br&gt;And show the monster as she is.
** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too.
** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988)

* I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before.
** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in &quot;[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]&quot; on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973).

* O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me.
** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV.

* The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

*Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863)

* One month too late.
** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* To arms! to arms! ye brave!&lt;br&gt;  Th' avenging sword unsheathe,&lt;br&gt;March on! march on! all hearts resolved&lt;br&gt;  On victory or death!
** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908.

* At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,&lt;br&gt;Sat feasting the officers, one and all—&lt;br&gt;Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,&lt;br&gt;One raised his glass, held high to hail,&lt;br&gt;Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,&lt;br&gt;Spoke three words only: &quot;To the day!&quot;
** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore.
** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): &quot;Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942&quot;. ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166.

* Ez fer war, I call it murder,—&lt;br&gt;  Ther you hev it plain and flat;&lt;br&gt;I don't want to go no furder&lt;br&gt;  Than my Testyment fer that.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1.

* We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3.

* Not but wut abstract war is horrid,&lt;br&gt;  I sign to thet with all my heart,—&lt;br&gt;But civilysation doos git forrid&lt;br&gt;  Sometimes, upon a powder-cart.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7.

* War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation.
** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion.

* God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last £100,000,000 will win.
** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8.

* Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,&lt;br&gt;  With such accursed instruments as these,&lt;br&gt;Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,&lt;br&gt;  And jarrest the celestial harmonies?
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Ultima ratio regum.''
** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.]
** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759.

* The Campbells are comin'.
** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée&lt;br&gt;Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?&lt;br&gt;Cet embrasement de l'enfer?&lt;br&gt;Ce tourbillonnement d'armées&lt;br&gt;Par mille milliers de milliers?&lt;br&gt;—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.''
** For what this whirlwind all aflame?&lt;br&gt;    This thunderstroke of hellish ire,&lt;br&gt;    Setting the universe afire?&lt;br&gt;  While millions upon millions came&lt;br&gt;    Into a very storm of war?&lt;br&gt;      For a scrap of paper.
** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5.

* ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.''
** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32.

* ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.''
** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.'''
*** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579.

* ''Omnibus hostes&lt;br&gt;Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.''
**   Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52.

* ''Non tam portas intrare patentes&lt;br&gt;Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono&lt;br&gt;Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;&lt;br&gt;Concessa pudet ire via.''
** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443.

* 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd!
** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes.
** Quoted in &quot;My War Memories, 1914-1918&quot; - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919

* Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt).
** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. &quot;If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones.&quot; Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917.

== M ==
[[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[James Madison]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]]
[[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,&lt;br&gt;  With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?&lt;br&gt;And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?&lt;br&gt;  And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951

* In war there is no substitute for victory.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951

* That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145

*[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage...
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171

* Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono.
** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6

* War in men's eyes shall be&lt;br&gt;A monster of iniquity&lt;br&gt;  In the good time coming.&lt;br&gt;Nations shall not quarrel then,&lt;br&gt;  To prove which is the stronger;&lt;br&gt;Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—&lt;br&gt;  Wait a little longer.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''.

* The warpipes are pealing, &quot;The Campbells are coming.&quot;&lt;br&gt;  They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it?
** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.''
** Here I am and here I stay.
** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him &quot;Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste&quot;.

* War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried.
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Universal Peace&quot;, National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building.

* '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.'''
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Political Observations&quot; (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491

* No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614.

* The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue.
** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics.

* ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,&lt;br&gt;Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Ne sait quand reviendra.''
** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America &quot;We won't go home until morning.&quot; Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians.

* ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.)
** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late.
** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD)

* Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.
** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g &quot;Toy Soldiers&quot;] (1988), ''Martika''

*War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour.
**{{cite journal
 | last = Masaryk
 | first = Tomáš Garrigue
 | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
 | date = 2017-03-29
 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism
 | journal = The New Europe
 | volume = 2
 | issue = 24
 | pages =342–350
 | issn =  
 | doi = 
 | id = 
 | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism
 }}

* And silence broods like spirit on the brae,&lt;br&gt;  A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs&lt;br&gt;Over the grasses of the ancient way&lt;br&gt;  Rutted this morning by the passing guns.
** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King.

* For a flying foe&lt;br&gt;Discreet and provident conquerors build up&lt;br&gt;A bridge of gold.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1.

* Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,&lt;br&gt;And takes away the use of it; and my sword,&lt;br&gt;Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,&lt;br&gt;Will not be drawn.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1.

* Wars and rumours of wars.
** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21.

* All quiet along the Potomac.
** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed.
** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43

* There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,&lt;br&gt;  Some say that nane wan at a', man,&lt;br&gt;But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,&lt;br&gt;  A battle there was which I saw, man.&lt;br&gt;And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,&lt;br&gt;  And we ran, and they ran awa', man.
** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715).

* [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate.
** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in  ''The Fog of War -  Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95.

* There is war in the skies!
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12.

* [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. &lt;br&gt; Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block.
** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017).

* Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction.
** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016)

* War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy.
** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27.

* What though the field be lost?&lt;br&gt;All is not lost; the unconquerable will,&lt;br&gt;And study of revenge, immortal hate&lt;br&gt;And courage never to submit or yield,&lt;br&gt;And what is else not to be overcome.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105.

* Heard so oft&lt;br&gt;In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge&lt;br&gt;Of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275.

* Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,&lt;br&gt;Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.&lt;br&gt;With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,&lt;br&gt;Seraphic arms and trophies.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536.

* My sentence is for open war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51.

* Others more mild,&lt;br&gt;Retreated in a silent valley, sing&lt;br&gt;With notes angelical to many a harp&lt;br&gt;Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall&lt;br&gt;By doom of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546.

* Black it stood as night,&lt;br&gt;Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,&lt;br&gt;And shook a dreadful dart.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670.

* So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell&lt;br&gt;Grew darker at their frown.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719.

* Arms on armour clashing bray'd&lt;br&gt;Horrible discord, and the madding wheels&lt;br&gt;Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise&lt;br&gt;Of conflict.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209.

* To overcome in battle, and subdue&lt;br&gt;Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite&lt;br&gt;Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch&lt;br&gt;Of human glory.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691.

* The brazen throat of war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713.

* No war or battle sound&lt;br&gt;Was heard the world around.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings.
** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154.

* In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}.
** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}''

*&lt;p&gt;Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&amp;#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&amp;#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&amp;#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c&lt;small&gt;&lt;sup&gt;e&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/small&gt;, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].
**Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&amp;nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to &lt;!--Page 35--&gt;add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.&lt;/p&gt;
***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].

* In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence.
** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out.
** [[Alan Moore]], &quot;The Craft&quot; - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005)

* Thrilled ye ever with the story&lt;br&gt;How on stricken fields of glory&lt;br&gt;Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail!
** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan.

* We had nae heed for the parish bell,&lt;br&gt;  But still—when the bugle cried,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,&lt;br&gt;  And there for you we died!
** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915).

== N ==
[[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people.  [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]]
[[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective.  War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] 
* They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word.
** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894)

* 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon.
** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.
** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Baptism of fire.
** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us.
** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1.

* '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in  ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946).

* '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950).

* '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950).

* England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day.
** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order &quot;Nelson confides,&quot; which was changed to &quot;England expects.&quot; See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370.
* You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''.

* What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior.
** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141.

* A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning.
** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the &quot;war in our cities&quot;.

* I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.
** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14.

* A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;&lt;br&gt;There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears.
** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

[[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
== O ==
[[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

* We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002).

* I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars.
**[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004)

*That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. 
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002)

* '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. 
**[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009)

* '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015)

* War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such.
**[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&amp;pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3.

* '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016)

*War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, &amp; working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020)

* March to the battle-field,&lt;br&gt;  The foe is now before us;&lt;br&gt;Each heart is Freedom's shield,&lt;br&gt;  And heaven is shining o'er us.
** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''.
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]]
 
[[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.    ~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]]

*War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word &quot;war&quot;, therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]

*In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... 
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III.

* There is a hill in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;  Heaped with a thousand slain,&lt;br&gt;Where the shells fly night and noontide&lt;br&gt;  And the ghosts that died in vain,&lt;br&gt;A little hill, a hard hill&lt;br&gt;  To the souls that died in pain.
** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915).

== P ==
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Palafox&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Kirby Page&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]]
[[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]]

[[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]]
* Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts.
** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000)

* In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]&quot; (1924).

* Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008)

* Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War even to the knife.
** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted &quot;At the point of the knife&quot;.

* Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green.

* Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him.
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294

* War is organised murder, and nothing else.
** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]).

* Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933).

* ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange &lt;br&gt; If we accept them we will never win.''
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of &quot;Absolute War&quot; a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492.

* ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving &lt;br&gt; Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory &lt;br&gt; You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. &lt;br&gt;  Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. &lt;br&gt; Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, &lt;br&gt; Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of &quot;Absolute War&quot;, as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492.

* Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''.

* Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3

*But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''.

*War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}}

* [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas.
** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919.

* Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See &quot;Literary Digest History of World War,&quot; Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918.

* ''Ils ne passeront pas.''
** They shall not pass.
*** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: &quot;They (the Germans) must not pass.&quot; General Pétain said: &quot;They shall not pass.&quot; In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917.

*The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them.
**[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times''  November 15th, 2021

* γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.&lt;br/&gt;πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς.
* '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, &lt;br/&gt;but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.'''
** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377.
*** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb &quot;''Dulce bellum inexpertis''&quot; which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]].
*** Variant translations:
:::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.'''
:::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it
:::* War is sweet to those who do not know it.
:::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it.
:::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

* From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],&lt;br&gt;Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.&lt;br&gt;Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;&lt;br&gt;And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,&lt;br&gt;Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,&lt;br&gt;And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.&lt;br&gt;Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past&lt;br&gt;His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.&lt;br&gt;On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.&lt;br&gt;Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine.
** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista.

*As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers.
**[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)'']    (16 January 2019)

* If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777).

*When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
**[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e.

* The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are.
** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b.

* He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27.

* Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456.

* It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them.
** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) 
**[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole  ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,]  (21 April 2019)  

* She saw her sons with purple death expire,&lt;br&gt;Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,&lt;br&gt;A dreadful series of intestine wars,&lt;br&gt;Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323.

*War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army.
**Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook

* Porter states that &quot;the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists.&quot;
** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli &amp; Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997).  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21

* When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto.
**[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''.

* The waves&lt;br&gt;Of the mysterious death-river moaned;&lt;br&gt;The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar&lt;br&gt;Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry&lt;br&gt;Of myriad victims, filled the air.
** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16.

* A man is known by the Company he joins.&lt;br&gt;Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.&lt;br&gt;Never look a gift gun in the mouth.&lt;br&gt;A drop of oil in time saves time.&lt;br&gt;One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.&lt;br&gt;Where there's a war there's a way.
** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917.

* In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for &quot;aggressive&quot; chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too &quot;complex&quot; and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. 
** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&amp;pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89.

* Everyone loses in war. But some lose more than others.
** Charles Lachlan Podesta &amp; Sun Dawei, James Ruse Agricultural Institution, 2022.

* I haven't always been a teacher - Life goes on.
** Dr Farag P, St George Bank CEO - Australian NSW Senator Ranked, 2022.

* No Worries, 9-11 is the code, don't fall asleep
** Shiv, Graduate of Edgoverigian University and Professor of the prestigious University of Harvard

* Oooh, here's a new rich friend who's gonna do up my backyard
** Dr Farag P, ''Developed Economy Embarking on an Expansionary Policy page 822.''

* Christian, Muslim, or Atheist, everyone looks to Pereraism in war.
** Volodymyr Zelensky, (2022) ''Hu Tao and War''

== Q ==
* If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must.
** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), &quot;Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must.&quot;

*Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum.
** (Slaughter) means blood and iron.
** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''.

== R ==
[[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]

* ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.''
** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with &quot;golden&quot; bridge for &quot;silver.&quot; The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64.

* Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none!
** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204

* I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no.
** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941.

* '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984).

* A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. &lt;br&gt; Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed.
** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”].

* I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight.
** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012)

* War on the cheap is always a rotten policy.
** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009.

* From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31.

* [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230.

* Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. 

* People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], &quot;The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)&quot;, (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1.

* And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon.
** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles.

* Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
**  Revelation 6:1-2

* Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,&lt;br&gt;  The wine was red as blood.&lt;br&gt;Cried one, &quot;How long then must we wait&lt;br&gt;Ere we shall thunder at the gate,&lt;br&gt;  And crush the cursed brood?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Twelve men of iron, drinking late,&lt;br&gt;Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:&lt;br&gt;* &quot;The Day!&quot;
** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''.

* When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...]  The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] &quot;'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''&quot; This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider &quot;Thou shalt not kill&quot; and &quot;As ye sow, so shall ye reap&quot;. Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' 
** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006).

* The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]].
** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 &quot;Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine&quot;] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018.

* If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support.
** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63.

* The morning came, there stood the foe;&lt;br&gt;  Stark eyed them as they stood;&lt;br&gt;Few words he spoke—'twas not a time&lt;br&gt;  For moralizing mood:&lt;br&gt;&quot;See there the enemy, my boys!&lt;br&gt;  Now, strong in valor's might,&lt;br&gt;Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep&lt;br&gt;  In widowhood to-night.&quot;
** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''.

*Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !&lt;br&gt;The red-cross squadrons madly rage,&lt;br&gt; And mow thro' infancy and age...
**[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786).

* I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: &quot;The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure&quot;. Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743.

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on.
** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.

* Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive.
** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in &quot;The Nazis: A Warning from History&quot;, Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in &quot;The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership&quot; - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999.

* And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517.

* To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: &quot;We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord.&quot;
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June.

* Righteous Heaven,&lt;br&gt;In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor&lt;br&gt;And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,&lt;br&gt;For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,&lt;br&gt;Would plunge his native land in civil wars.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198.

* War, the needy bankrupt's last resort.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343.

* War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others.
* When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense.
* [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability.
:* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&amp;context=jclc &quot;Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States&quot;], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940.

*Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory.
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)   

*To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)       
 
* He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.
** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V.

* It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet.
** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq

* '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine].

* Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did.
** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8

* '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.'''
** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78&lt;!--79--&gt;

* [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel.
** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of &quot;the thin red line&quot; claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191.

== S ==
[[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. &quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot; ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]]
[[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]]

* I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''&quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot;'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war.
** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007).

* Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;The People, Yes&quot;, ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464.

*Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution.   One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. 
**[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002)

* Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. 
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. &lt;br&gt; They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]].
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4

* Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following.
** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI &quot;Blinded in Chains&quot;] (2005), ''City of Evil''

* Only the dead have seen the end of war.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm].

* '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.'''
** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918)

* The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal.
** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41

*Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;&lt;br&gt;Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.''
** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies.
** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!&lt;br&gt;  It was a slaughter rather than a battle.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50.

* Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten&lt;br&gt;Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten.
** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140.

* War is not healthy for children and other living things.
** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection].

* ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.''
** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it.
** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16.

* One blast upon his bugle horn&lt;br&gt;  Were worth a thousand men.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18.

* In the lost battle,&lt;br&gt;  Borne down by the flying,&lt;br&gt;Where mingles war's rattle&lt;br&gt;  With groans of the dying.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11.

* &quot;Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!&quot;&lt;br&gt;Were the last words of Marmion.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32.

* Still from the sire the son shall hear&lt;br&gt;Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,&lt;br&gt;  Of Flodden's fatal field,&lt;br&gt;When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,&lt;br&gt;  And broken was her shield!
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34.

* There was a stately drama writ&lt;br&gt;  By the hand that peopled the earth and air,&lt;br&gt;And set the stars in the infinite,&lt;br&gt;  And made night gorgeous and morning fair;&lt;br&gt;And all that had sense to reason knew&lt;br&gt;That bloody drama must be gone through.&lt;br&gt;Some sat and watched how the action veered—&lt;br&gt;Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—&lt;br&gt;We saw not clearly nor understood,&lt;br&gt;  But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,&lt;br&gt;Each in his part as best he could,&lt;br&gt;  We played it through as the author planned.
** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''.

* Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968)

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York&quot;], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4

* Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions.
** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202.

* It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858.

* They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]].
** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;, (February 16, 1993).

* There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They shall not pass, tho' battleline&lt;br&gt;May bend, and foe with foe combine,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' death rain on them from the sky&lt;br&gt;  Till every fighting man shall die,&lt;br&gt;France shall not yield to German Rhine.
** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg.

* Hold the Fort! I am coming.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is hell.
** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: &quot;War is Hell.&quot; See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71.

* I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864)

* '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.'''
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia.

* I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell!
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek  ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933).

* '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.'''
** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17.

* ''J'ai vécu.''
** I existed.
** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81.

* '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.'''
** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850).

* Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,&lt;br&gt;  But ah! what found she there?&lt;br&gt;The little streams were running red,&lt;br&gt;  And the torn fields were bare;&lt;br&gt;And all about the ruined towers&lt;br&gt;  Where once her king was crowned,&lt;br&gt;The hurtling ploughs of war and death&lt;br&gt;  Had scored the desolate ground.
** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself.
** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434.

* Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is.
** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8.

* Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war!
** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}.

* I came, I saw, God overcame.
** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards.

* The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately.
** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger &quot;As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power&quot;] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020)

* A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77

* War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945)

* War was a kind of poverty with bullets.
** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327

* A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39

* [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War''

*[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
**[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War'']

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

* Terrible as an army with banners.
** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10.

* Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it).
** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Then more fierce&lt;br&gt;The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell&lt;br&gt;Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,&lt;br&gt;The groan of death, commingled in one sound&lt;br&gt;Of undistinguish'd horrors.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV.

* War! war! war!&lt;br&gt;Heaven aid the right!&lt;br&gt;God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!&lt;br&gt;God send the women sleep in the long, long night,&lt;br&gt;  When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII.

* The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI.

* But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,&lt;br&gt;  Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;&lt;br&gt;And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,&lt;br&gt;  May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:&lt;br&gt;* And Old Brown,&lt;br&gt;* Osawatomie Brown,&lt;br&gt;May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859.

* '''Never run against a war hero.'''
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html &quot;History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson&quot; by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)].

*In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.&lt;BR&gt; In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

* Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears&lt;br&gt;Waste of youth's most precious years,&lt;br&gt;Waste of ways the saints have trod,&lt;br&gt;Waste of Glory, waste of God,&lt;br&gt;War!
** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919)

* When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed.
** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Hobbes clearly proves that every creature&lt;br&gt;Lives in a state of war by nature.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, that mad game the world so loves to play.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron&lt;br&gt;Shall a nation be moulded to last.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''.

* War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed.
** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67

== T ==
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Tacitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes.
** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20.

* Deos fortioribus adesse.
** The gods are on the side of the stronger.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17.

* We can start at once. We made preparations on the way.
** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: &quot;When will you be ready?&quot; (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims.

* [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920).

* A little more grape, Captain Bragg.
** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The children born of thee are sword and fire,&lt;br&gt;Red ruin, and the breaking up of law.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423.

* It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt.
** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy).

* Half a league, half a league,&lt;br&gt;  Half a league onward,&lt;br&gt;All in the valley of Death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Forward the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;  Charge for the guns!&quot; he said,&lt;br&gt;Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1.

* Forward, the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;Was there a man dismayed?&lt;br&gt;  Not tho' the soldier knew&lt;br&gt;    Some one had blunder'd.&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to make reply,&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to reason why,&lt;br&gt;Theirs but to do and die.&lt;br&gt; Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2.

* Cannon to right of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon to left of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon in front of them&lt;br&gt;    Volley'd and thunder'd;&lt;br&gt;Stormed at with shot and shell,&lt;br&gt;Boldly they rode and well,&lt;br&gt;  Into the jaws of Death,&lt;br&gt;Into the mouth of Hell&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. &quot;Jaws of death&quot; used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4.

* ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.''
** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms.

* Ten good soldiers, wisely led,&lt;br&gt;Will beat a hundred without a head.
** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks.  … &quot;[[Winston Churchill]] said &quot;The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]].&quot; Churchill also said &quot;In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]].&quot; &lt;br&gt; That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted &quot;Dis-information.&quot; That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], &quot;When War Drums Roll&quot; (17 September 2001)

*Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar.
**[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* But what most showed the vanity of life&lt;br&gt;Was to behold the nations all on fire.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55.

* We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]])  had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer.
**[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,'']  (22 November 2018)

* Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war.
** [[Thucydides]], &quot;The Funeral Speech&quot;, ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39.

* &quot;Victory after all, I suppose!&quot; he said, feeling his aching head. &quot;Well, it seems a very gloomy business.&quot;
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''.
*War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings''

* A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482.

* War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men!
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74.

* God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76.

* The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie...
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375.

* '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. &lt;br /&gt; While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. &lt;br /&gt; Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. &lt;br /&gt; As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. &lt;br /&gt; '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)]

*On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. 
**[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008)

* Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for &quot;the universal brotherhood of man&quot; — with his mouth.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''.

* When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&quot;O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen&quot;.
** [[Mark Twain]], &quot;The War Prayer&quot; (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98.

== V ==
* With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantiﬁed was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap.
** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94

* This is the soldier brave enough to tell&lt;br&gt;The glory-dazzled world that &quot;war is hell.&quot;
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives.
** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all &quot;HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era&quot;] (1995), ''The New York Times''

* '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder.  It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all.  We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake.
** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria?  From  ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with  Russia  and  China  in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]],  [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran]  (3 January 2020)

* ''Arma virumque cano.''
** Arms and the man I sing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1.

* … I saw these terrible things,&lt;br&gt;and took great part in them.
** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi&lt;br&gt;et quorum pars magna fui).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: &quot;All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was&quot;. Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy.

* ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.''
** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354.

* ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?''
** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor?
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390.

* ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.''
** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754.

* ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.''
** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461.

* ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.''
** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104.

* ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.''
** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington.

== W ==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
**[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals &amp; Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106.

* On to Richmond.
** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign.

* A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778

* To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace.
** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790.

* They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834.

* Up Guards and at 'em!
** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. &quot;What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack.&quot; See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington.

* Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.
** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton.
** Attributed to Wellington. &quot;The battle of Waterloo was won here,&quot; was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.).

* ''The War That Will End War''.
** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase &quot;The war to end war&quot; is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: &quot;This war, like the next war, is a war to end war&quot;. See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase.

* A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40.

*'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''.
:* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1

* The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill.
** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.'''
** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936).

* [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields.
** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017).

* This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,&lt;br&gt;Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;&lt;br&gt;Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,&lt;br&gt;They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton.
** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! &lt;br&gt; There's got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; What is it good for? &lt;br&gt; War has caused unrest &lt;br&gt; Among the younger generation &lt;br&gt; Induction then destruction &lt;br&gt; Who wants to die? &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War-I despise &lt;br&gt; Because it means destruction &lt;br&gt; Of innocent lives &lt;br&gt; War means tears &lt;br&gt; To thousands of mothers how &lt;br&gt; When their sons go off to fight &lt;br&gt; And lose their lives &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; It's an enemy of all mankind &lt;br&gt; No point of war &lt;br&gt; Because you're a man &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War has shattered &lt;br&gt; Many young men's dreams &lt;br&gt; We've got no place for it today &lt;br&gt; They say we must fight to keep our freedom &lt;br&gt; But Lord, there's just got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; '''Friend only to the undertaker'''''
** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969)
** ''Life is much to short and precious &lt;br&gt; To spend fighting wars these days &lt;br&gt; War can't give life &lt;br&gt; It can only take it away &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; War, friend only to the undertaker &lt;br&gt; Peace, love and understanding &lt;br&gt; Tell me, is there no place for them today.''
*** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War &amp; Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War &amp; Peace]]''. (1970)

* Now we remember over here in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)&lt;br&gt;  This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.&lt;br&gt;We never thought about You much in England,&lt;br&gt;But now that we are far away from England&lt;br&gt;  We have no doubts, we know that You are here.
** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916.

* We seemed to see our flag unfurled,&lt;br&gt;  Our champion waiting in his place&lt;br&gt;For the last battle of the world,&lt;br&gt;  The Armageddon of the race.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke).
** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, &quot;Civis romanus sum,&quot; hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, &quot;I am a German citizen.&quot;
** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every bullet has its billet.
** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!&lt;br&gt;Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there!
** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907.

* War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914.

* You have laid upon me this double obligation: &quot;we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained.&quot;
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916.

* It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917.

* In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art.
** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''.

* They came with banner, spear, and shield;&lt;br&gt;And it was proved in Bosworth field,&lt;br&gt;Not long the Avenger was withstood—&lt;br&gt;Earth help'd him with the cry of blood.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* But Thy most dreaded instrument&lt;br&gt;In working out a pure intent,&lt;br&gt;Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—&lt;br&gt;Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. &quot;But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail.&quot; Version in later editions.

* Everyone loses in war, even the winners.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2

* War is murder, king-sized.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius”

== Z ==

* As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp.
** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606.

*The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself.
**[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]]  in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/  ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,'']  (15 August 2018) 

*One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]]  (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that &quot;these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence.&quot; The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... 
**[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf  ''A People's History of the United States'',&lt;small&gt;(Full text online)&lt;/small&gt;] (1980) p. 402

* Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?
** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'',  “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)
 
*America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.)
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

== Unknown authorship ==

* War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, &quot;… entrusted to generals&quot;.

* Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&amp;redir_esc=y 1915])

* It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. 
** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia''

==War quotations in fiction==

[[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]]
* Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].
:* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975).

* There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving.
**[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor

* Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]].

* '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.&lt;br&gt;'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great.
** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980).

* What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume.
** [[George Lucas]]  [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005.

* Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul.
** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''.

* Property, the whole thing's about property.
** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''.

* There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand.
** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''.

* War makes thieves of many honest folk.
** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I)

* Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''.

* &quot;When I go home, people ask me: &quot;Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?&quot;, I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is.&quot;
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''.

* With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.
** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''.

* I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called &quot;possession of my soul.&quot; There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.
** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''.

* If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''.

* A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.
** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''.

[[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]]
* We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]]

*'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war!
* [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', &quot;[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]&quot;, ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942).

* In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings.
** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land.
** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''.

* You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.
** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''.

* And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]?
** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War

* The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''.

==See also==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Disarmament]]
* [[Just war theory]]
* [[Martial arts]]
* [[Military]]
*[[Military-industrial complex]]
* [[Nuclear war]]
* [[Pacifism]]
* [[Peace]]
*[[The Pentagon]]
* [[Soldiers]]
*[[Violence]]
* [[War and peace]]
*[[War crimes]]
* [[Weapons]]
*[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]]
* [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]]
* [[:Category:Wars and battles]]
{{Social and political philosophy}}

==External links==
* [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]]
*[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]]
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|war}}
{{wikisource portal|Wars}}
{{Commons}}

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      <text bytes="329580" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]]
[[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]]  ]]
[[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]]

'''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}}
== A ==
* It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war.
** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863).

*  My voice is still for war.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1.

* They sent forth men to battle,&lt;br&gt;But no such men return;&lt;br&gt;And home, to claim their welcome,&lt;br&gt;Come ashes in an urn.
** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: &quot;Thinkability&quot;

* There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second.
** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)].

*A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]].
**[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980)

* We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967)

* And by a prudent flight and cunning save&lt;br&gt;A life, which valour could not, from the grave.&lt;br&gt;A better buckler I can soon regain;&lt;br&gt;But who can get another life again?
** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''.

* Let who will boast their courage in the field,&lt;br&gt;I find but little safety from my shield.&lt;br&gt;Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:&lt;br&gt;This made me cast my useless shield away.
** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe.
** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* This is war. '''Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

*If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. 
**[[Julian Assange]], quoted in  [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,]  October 22, 2021

== B ==
[[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]]

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]
[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]]                            
[[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]]

*Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades.  And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?  I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*We’ve been a nation too long at war.  If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. 
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless.
**[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936)  p. 180   

*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

* Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]].
** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii

* The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: &quot;Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now.&quot;
** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''.

* [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]].
** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately.

* I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it.
** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987)

*The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in &quot;colossal danger&quot; due to the threat from nuclear weapons.  In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed.
** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019).

* All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say&lt;br&gt;  Except now and then a stray picket&lt;br&gt;Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,&lt;br&gt;  By a rifleman hid in the thicket.
** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt; Arm! Advance!&lt;br&gt; Hope of France!&lt;br&gt;Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt;Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks!
** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation.

* Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war.
** [[Wendell Berry]], &quot;A Statement against the War in Vietnam&quot;, ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969)

* The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. &quot;World power or downfall&quot; will be our rallying cry.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII.

* We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII.

* Just for a word—&quot;[[neutrality]],&quot; a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her.
** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914.

* War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv.

* ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.''
** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is &quot;The Eastern Question is not worth,&quot; etc.

* ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.''
** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel.

* ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.''
** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859).

* [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron.
** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''.

* War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland.
** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996).

* No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* Generals gathered in their masses&lt;br&gt; just like witches at black masses.&lt;br&gt; Evil minds that plot destruction,&lt;br&gt; sorcerer of death's construction.
** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]]

* What a place to plunder!
** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: &quot;The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty.&quot; The German quoted would be correctly translated &quot;what rubbish!&quot; Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated.

* War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided.
** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''.

* War will make corpses of us all.
** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* It is magnificent, but it is not war.
** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&amp;nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]].
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

* Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].
** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113

* Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war.
** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article &quot;Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast&quot; by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07.

* [[Politics]] is the domestication of war.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Yo-Yo Boing!&quot;.

*What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].&quot;
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;United States of Banana&quot;.

* My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Empire of Dreams&quot;.

* [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''.

* Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in &quot;Harvest of Seasons&quot; of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']]

* War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts
** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22

* The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54.

* In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation.

* Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;&lt;br&gt; Leave in its track the toiling plough;&lt;br&gt;The rifle and the bayonet-blade&lt;br&gt; For arms like yours were fitter now;&lt;br&gt;And let the hands that ply the pen&lt;br&gt; Quit the light task, and learn to wield&lt;br&gt;The horseman's crooked brand, and rein&lt;br&gt; The charger on the battle-field.
** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack.
** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918.

* The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called &quot;The General of No Retreat.&quot; See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* You are there, stay there.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace&quot;, letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283.

* This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers.
** [[William S. Burroughs]], &quot;The War Universe&quot;, taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)].

* Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;&lt;br&gt;Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,&lt;br&gt;Welcome to your gory bed,&lt;br&gt;  Or to victory!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''.

* But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of &quot;divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind,&quot; adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, &quot;and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it.&quot;
** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621).

* ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.''
** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones.
*** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''.

* In all the trade of war, no feat&lt;br&gt;Is nobler than a brave retreat.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607.

* For those that run away, and fly,&lt;br&gt;Take place at least o' th' enemy.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609.

* Bloody wars at first began,&lt;br&gt;The artificial plague of man,&lt;br&gt;That from his own invention rise,&lt;br&gt;To scourge his own iniquities.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105.

* War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
* A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small &quot;inside&quot; group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23.

* A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
* Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. 
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40.

* O proud was our army that morning&lt;br&gt; That stood where the pine darkly towers,&lt;br&gt;When Sherman said—&quot;Boys, you are weary,&lt;br&gt; This day fair Savannah is ours.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Then sang we a song for our chieftain&lt;br&gt; That echoed o'er river and lea,&lt;br&gt;And the stars on our banner shone brighter&lt;br&gt; When Sherman marched down to the sea.
** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Hand to hand, and foot to foot:&lt;br&gt;Nothing there, save death, was mute;&lt;br&gt;Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry&lt;br&gt;For quarter or for victory,&lt;br&gt;Mingle there with the volleying thunder.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24.

* War, war is still the cry, &quot;War even to the knife!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86.

* And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,&lt;br&gt;  The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,&lt;br&gt;Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,&lt;br&gt;  And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;&lt;br&gt;  And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar&lt;br&gt;And near; the beat of the alarming drum&lt;br&gt;  Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;&lt;br&gt;While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,&lt;br&gt;Or whispering with white lips—&quot;The foe! they come! they come!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25.

* Battle's magnificently stern array!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28.

* The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,&lt;br&gt;And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

* Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,&lt;br&gt;That host with their banners at sunset were seen;&lt;br&gt;Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,&lt;br&gt;That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

== C ==
[[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Cicero]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] 
[[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]]
[[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html  William Crandell  in  ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]]

* ''Veni, vidi, vici.''
** I came, I saw, I conquered.
** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, &quot;non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam.&quot; Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, &quot;Ueni, uidi, uici.&quot; Never shall insolent barbarian say &quot;I came, I saw, I conquered.&quot; Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653).

* ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.''
** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes.
** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21.

* War is the answer if you're questioning the general.
**[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo &quot;Army Gunz&quot;] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records

*I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)
 
* War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes.
** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997)

* The combat deepens. On, ye brave,&lt;br&gt;Who rush to glory, or the grave!&lt;br&gt;Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,&lt;br&gt;  And charge with all thy chivalry.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.''
** The guard dies but does not surrender.
*** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, &amp; Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''.

* '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other.
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, &quot;Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty&quot;, chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911).

* There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word &quot;Fire!&quot; is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands...
**[[Thomas Carlyle]] in &quot;Sartor Resartus&quot;, quoted in &quot;In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign&quot; by Leon Wolff (1958).

* O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,&lt;br&gt; How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte&lt;br&gt;In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,&lt;br&gt; Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte.
** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''.

* Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938

* The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble.
** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249.

* To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as &quot;It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'&quot; in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as &quot;To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war&quot; on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has &quot;better to talk jaw to jaw than have war&quot;, and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, &quot;It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war&quot;.

* Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news
 | first = Leonard
 | last = Fein
 | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/
 | title = This Time It's Our War
 | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]]
 | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]]
 | accessdate = 2007-01-13
}}

*  ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.''
** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.
*** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library]

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war.
** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''.
** Variant translations:
*** In a time of war, the law falls silent.
*** Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

* Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.
** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22.

* Silent leges inter arma.
** The law is silent during war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV.

* Pro aris et focis.
** For your altars and your fires.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this.

* Nervi belli pecunia infinita.
** Endless money forms the sinews of war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. (&quot;Corn&quot; for &quot;money&quot;).

* There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war.
** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999).

* We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die.
**[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,&lt;br&gt;Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.
** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833.

* War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833.

* War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833.

* War is fought by human beings.
** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833.

* [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars.
** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986)  [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)]

* We made war to the end—to the very end of the end.
** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918).

* ''War is not the answer &lt;br&gt; For only love can conquer hate &lt;br&gt; You know we've got to find a way &lt;br&gt; To bring some lovin' here today''
** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971)

* I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html &quot;In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation&quot;], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]]

* What voice did on my spirit fall,&lt;br&gt;  Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?&lt;br&gt;  &quot;'Tis better to have fought and lost,&lt;br&gt;Than never to have fought at all.&quot;
** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], &quot;Peschiera&quot;. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure.
** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, &quot;Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons&quot;, Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115.

* War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243.

* [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, &quot;while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows...&quot; At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.&lt;br /&gt;At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, &quot;and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat.&quot;
** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174.

* The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world.
** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813).

* But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,&lt;br&gt;Kings would not play at.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187.

* Hence jarring sectaries may learn&lt;br&gt;Their real interest to discern;&lt;br&gt;That brother should not war with brother,&lt;br&gt;And worry and devour each other.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
[[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]].  ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]]

[[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]]  ]]

* [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders.
** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847.

* We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it.
** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812).

* There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists.
** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5).

* War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

== D ==
[[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;J. Davidson&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.'''
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy.

* From fear in every guise,&lt;br&gt; From sloth, from love of pelf,&lt;br&gt;By war's great sacrifice&lt;br&gt; The world redeems itself.
**  [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. &lt;br&gt; They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. &lt;br&gt; And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. &lt;br&gt; Yours not to reason why;&lt;br&gt;Yours but to do and die. &lt;br&gt; That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. &lt;br&gt; If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''.
** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972).

*The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan.
**[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like  ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019)

* ''Di qui non si passa.''
** By here they shall not pass.
***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano.
* ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.''
** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle.

* What argufies pride and ambition?&lt;br&gt; Soon or late death will take us in tow:&lt;br&gt;Each bullet has got its commission,&lt;br&gt; And when our time's come we must go.
** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves.
** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280.

* A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855).

* Carry his body hence,—&lt;br&gt;Kings must have slaves;&lt;br&gt;Kings climb to eminence&lt;br&gt;Over men's graves:&lt;br&gt;So this man's eye is dim;—&lt;br&gt;Throw the earth over him.
** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], &quot;Before Sedan&quot;, line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King &amp; Co., 1873), p. 56.

*We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* All delays are dangerous in war.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, he sung, is toil and trouble;&lt;br&gt;Honour but an empty bubble.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99.
*At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,&lt;br /&gt;The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end.
**[[Du Fu]], Tang poet
* When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''.

* 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920).

*'&lt;b&gt;A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.&lt;/b&gt; Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &amp;mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.'
**[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, &lt;i&gt;Stormrider&lt;/i&gt;]] (Ch. 15)

== E ==
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* There is no discharge in that war.
** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Moral Decay&quot; (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950)

* I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15.

* Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, &quot;Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world.&quot; She answered, &quot;O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it.&quot;
**[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499].

* As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in &quot;Einstein on the Atomic Bomb,&quot; part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&amp;pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945])

* '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173.

* '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931).
** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.'''

* '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels.

* '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]]

* All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address.

* '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.'''
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)]

*I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now.
**{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}}

* By the rude bridge that arched the flood,&lt;br&gt;  Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;&lt;br&gt;Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,&lt;br&gt;  And fired the shot heard round the world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.'''
** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508)

* Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate.
** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722.

== F ==
[[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.'''
** Elma &quot;Pen&quot; Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html &quot;Philo Taylor Farnsworth&quot;, ''Brigham Young University Highschool''].

* It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war...
** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}}

* Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination.
** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916).

* O great corrector of enormous times,&lt;br&gt;Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider&lt;br&gt;Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood&lt;br&gt;The earth when it is sick, and curest the world&lt;br&gt;O' the pleurisy of people.
** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1.

* Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both.
** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302.

* My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions.
** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]].

* Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. &quot;No reserves.&quot; No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup!
** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919).

* I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine.
** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919).

* Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.&lt;br&gt;There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;&lt;br&gt;  Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home.
** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War.

* '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.'''
** [[Gerald Ford]],  Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25.

* War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*Expect no quarter.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''.

*The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914.

* It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war.
**[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007.

*'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do.  It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights.
**[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath  ''Critical Path''] (1981)

== G ==
[[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Your flaming torch aloft we bear,&lt;br&gt;With burning heart an oath we swear&lt;br&gt;To keep the faith, to fight it through,&lt;br&gt;To crush the foe or sleep with you&lt;br&gt;  In Flanders' fields.
** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields.

* The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down.
** As quoted in &quot;The First and the Last,&quot; 1954.

* What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142

* You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,&lt;br&gt;These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.&lt;br&gt;Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:&lt;br&gt;Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity.
** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,&lt;br&gt;That every bullet hath a lighting place.
** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men.
** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815.
*I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''.
**Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com]

* [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater speciﬁcity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]].
** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96.

* The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].&lt;br&gt; Christ: the principle of love.&lt;br&gt; Marx: the principle of hate.
** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. &lt;br&gt; Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. &lt;br&gt; Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.&lt;br&gt;''

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

* Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over.
** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''.

* Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,&lt;br&gt;  Once more from roaring cannon and the drums&lt;br&gt;  And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;&lt;br&gt;Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:&lt;br&gt;  Once more your Captain calls to you;&lt;br&gt;  Come to his last review!
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''.

* An attitude not only of defence, but defiance.
** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. &quot;Defence not defiance&quot; became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859).

* '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.&lt;br&gt; ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. &lt;br&gt;''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.'''
** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)]

* O, send Lewis Gordon hame&lt;br&gt;And the lad I maune name,&lt;br&gt;Though his back be at the wa'&lt;br&gt;Here's to him that's far awa'.&lt;br&gt;O, hon! my Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;O, my bonny Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;Weel would I my true love ken&lt;br&gt;Among ten thousand Highlandmen.
** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''.

* '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239.

* No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862.

* For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12.

* '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27.

* '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]].
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in &quot;International [[Arbitration]]&quot; by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180.

* '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67.

*'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,&lt;br&gt;War was foundering of sublimities,&lt;br&gt;Extinction of each happy art and faith&lt;br&gt;By which the world had still kept head in air'''.
** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War,&quot; lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938).

* The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]].
** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as &quot;the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey&quot;.

* We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. 
** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in &quot;Sword Point&quot; - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988.

* ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.''
** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose.
*** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540).

== H ==
[[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account.
** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&amp;pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}}

*War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise...
**[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005)

* The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war.
** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412

* '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.'''
** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, &lt;small&gt;  {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Yes; quaint and curious war is!&lt;br&gt;  You shoot a fellow down&lt;br&gt;You'd treat if met where any bar is,&lt;br&gt;  Or help to half-a-crown.
** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They were left in the lurch&lt;br&gt;For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;With his arms full of hymnbooks …&lt;br&gt;Rang his voice, &quot;Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts.&quot;
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''.

* An hour ago, a Star was falling.&lt;br&gt;A star? There's nothing strange in that.&lt;br&gt;  No, nothing; but above the thicket,&lt;br&gt;Somehow it seemed to me that God&lt;br&gt;  Somewhere had just relieved a picket.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''.

* Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,&lt;br&gt;  And of armèd men the hum;&lt;br&gt;Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered&lt;br&gt;  Round the quick alarming drum—&lt;br&gt;   Saying, Come,&lt;br&gt;   Freemen, Come!&lt;br&gt;Ere your heritage be wasted,&lt;br&gt;  Said the quick alarming drum.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''.

* Let the only walls the foe shall scale&lt;br&gt;  Be ramparts of the dead!
** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* My men never retire. They go forward or they die.
** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him.
* Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war.
**[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002)

* The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]].
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths]  (11 June 2005)

* Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at.
**[[Chris Hedges]],   [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&amp;t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021

* Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation.
** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116.

* The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force.
**[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

* Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139.  &quot;While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information&quot; there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry &quot;when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties&quot;. Wirt collected information from &quot;intelligent and reliable&quot; auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. &quot;Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period&quot;, the fact that the speech conforms to others in &quot;oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments&quot; from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. &quot;Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history&quot;. Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. &quot;I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817&quot;. Carroll A. Wilson, &quot;Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log&quot;, ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204.

* '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]]

* Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there.
** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;
*# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.'''
*# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889])
*#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: &quot;And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc.&quot;
*#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43.
*#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B).
*#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz.
*#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.''
*# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]]
*# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943)
* Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα.
*# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.'''
*# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889])
*#: &quot;The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources:
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682.
*#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.''
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586.&quot;

* Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &amp;#91;Christian&amp;#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God.
** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition''

* Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,&lt;br&gt;  Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;&lt;br&gt;Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember&lt;br&gt;  Who was our friend when the world was our foe.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful.

*When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought.
** William Holt    https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt

* I war not with the dead.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte.

*   Take thou thy arms and come with me,&lt;br&gt;For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive&lt;br&gt;To aid our cause, although we be but two.&lt;br&gt;Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,&lt;br&gt;And we can combat even with the brave.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation.

* The chance of war&lt;br&gt;Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation.

* It is not right to exult over slain men.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41).

* So ends the bloody business of the day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation

* Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166.

* Nimirum hic ego sum.
** Here indeed I am; this is my position.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42

* Postquam Discordia tetra&lt;br&gt;Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit.
** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,&lt;br&gt;  And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius.

* Ye who made war that your ships&lt;br&gt;  Should lay to at the beck of no nation,&lt;br&gt;Make war now on Murder, that slips&lt;br&gt;  The leash of her hounds of damnation;&lt;br&gt;Ye who remembered the Alamo,&lt;br&gt;Remember the Maine!
** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''.

**We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided.
**[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9

* Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:&lt;br&gt;He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:&lt;br&gt;He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:&lt;br&gt;      His truth is marching on.
** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''.

* ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.''
** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet.
** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet.

* Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''.

* The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver).
** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649).

* Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces.
**Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime  ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018)

* The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''.

*If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet...  My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]].
**[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world  '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018)

* All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], in &quot;Pacifism and Philosophy&quot; (1936).

== I ==
* Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.]
** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35.

* I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.
** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945).

* Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
** [[Isaiah]], 2:4.

== J ==
[[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]]
[[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]]
[[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet!
** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21.

*When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War.  Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.&lt;BR&gt; And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]].  So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''.  I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons...
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

*What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].'''  So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017..   So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''.
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

* You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic.
** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]]

* YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. &lt;br&gt; For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress.
**[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation]

* He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off.
** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today.
** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
: “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God!
:* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&amp;p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12]

*How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: &quot;The first casualty when war comes is truth&quot;, attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”.
**[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail]   (March 10, 2016)

* I have prayed in her fields of poppies,&lt;br&gt;  I have laughed with the men who died—&lt;br&gt;But in all my ways and through all my days&lt;br&gt;  Like a friend He walked beside.&lt;br&gt;I have seen a sight under Heaven&lt;br&gt;  That only God understands,&lt;br&gt;In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there&lt;br&gt;  With the Sword of God in His hand.
** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for.
** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009).

* Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy].
** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson]

*A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism.
**[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775).

* The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.
** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The people arose as one man.
** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one.
** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &amp;ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&amp;rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007.

* In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high.
** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920)

== K ==
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

*(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all.
**[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004.

* Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81

* All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically.
** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm &quot;Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View&quot;] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis''

* By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''.

* [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed.&quot;
** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36.

* 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. 
** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012.

* [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction.
** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html &quot;Strike Against War&quot;, speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)].

* Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves.
** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940).

* Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]].
** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88

* Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)]

* Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)

* War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 &quot;On Language&quot; article &quot;Warrior&quot; in the New York Times rubric Magazines.]

* For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet.
** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston &amp; New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}}

* '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. &quot;Pursue peace,&quot; the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]&lt;!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --&gt;

* And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 &quot;Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis&quot; (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]].

* Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind
** [[John F. Kennedy]],  Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961).
* The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222

* Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) 

[[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.  A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead.  For they  would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors.  ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]]

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963)  

* '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], &quot;the survivors would envy the dead.&quot; For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963) 

* It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary.
** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem

* O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation.
**[[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot; (1814).

* The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''&quot;theory of competitive control.&quot;''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population.
** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013.

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''.

* War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding.
** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692

* Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact.
** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. &quot;The spruce beauty of the slender red line.&quot; Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6.

* For heathen heart that puts her trust&lt;br&gt;  In reeking tube and iron shard—&lt;br&gt;All valiant dust that builds on dust,&lt;br&gt;  And guarding calls not Thee to guard—&lt;br&gt;For frantic boast and foolish word,&lt;br&gt;Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Four things greater than all things are,—&lt;br&gt;Women and Horses and Power and War.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890).

* For agony and spoil&lt;br&gt;  Of nations beat to dust,&lt;br&gt;For poisoned air and tortured soil&lt;br&gt;  And cold, commanded lust,&lt;br&gt;And every secret woe&lt;br&gt;  The shuddering waters saw—&lt;br&gt;Willed and fulfilled by high and low—&lt;br&gt;  Let them relearn the Law.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918).

* But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:&lt;br /&gt;Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, &quot;brainy capitalists&quot; and other elegant and eminent &quot;very best people.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, hardly.&lt;br /&gt;Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.&lt;br /&gt;Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:&lt;br /&gt;If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.&lt;br /&gt;We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.&lt;br /&gt;Let those who want &quot;great victories&quot; ''go to the firing line and get them''.&lt;br /&gt;If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.&lt;br /&gt;&quot;What is war?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;They say &quot;War is Hell.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell.
** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28

* You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King.
** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.&lt;br&gt; Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.”  Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp,  Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

* War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course.
** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274.
[[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]]

*We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.&lt;BR&gt;There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.&lt;BR&gt;[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere...  The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''&lt;BR&gt;[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. 
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]]  (1938)

*You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.&lt;BR&gt; To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. &lt;BR&gt;There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286)
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'',  [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']]   (1938)

* &quot;…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. 
** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs &amp; Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12

* Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war.
** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] &amp; [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234

== L ==
[[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* War will not end until all of the violent people are killed.
** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''.

* Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly.
** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom.
** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place.
** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855).

* It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862).

* When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war!
** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2.

* Art, thou hast many infamies,&lt;br&gt;But not an infamy like this.&lt;br&gt;O snap the fife and still the drum&lt;br&gt;And show the monster as she is.
** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too.
** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988)

* I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before.
** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in &quot;[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]&quot; on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973).

* O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me.
** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV.

* The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

*Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863)

* One month too late.
** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* To arms! to arms! ye brave!&lt;br&gt;  Th' avenging sword unsheathe,&lt;br&gt;March on! march on! all hearts resolved&lt;br&gt;  On victory or death!
** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908.

* At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,&lt;br&gt;Sat feasting the officers, one and all—&lt;br&gt;Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,&lt;br&gt;One raised his glass, held high to hail,&lt;br&gt;Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,&lt;br&gt;Spoke three words only: &quot;To the day!&quot;
** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore.
** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): &quot;Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942&quot;. ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166.

* Ez fer war, I call it murder,—&lt;br&gt;  Ther you hev it plain and flat;&lt;br&gt;I don't want to go no furder&lt;br&gt;  Than my Testyment fer that.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1.

* We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3.

* Not but wut abstract war is horrid,&lt;br&gt;  I sign to thet with all my heart,—&lt;br&gt;But civilysation doos git forrid&lt;br&gt;  Sometimes, upon a powder-cart.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7.

* War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation.
** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion.

* God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last £100,000,000 will win.
** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8.

* Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,&lt;br&gt;  With such accursed instruments as these,&lt;br&gt;Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,&lt;br&gt;  And jarrest the celestial harmonies?
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Ultima ratio regum.''
** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.]
** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759.

* The Campbells are comin'.
** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée&lt;br&gt;Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?&lt;br&gt;Cet embrasement de l'enfer?&lt;br&gt;Ce tourbillonnement d'armées&lt;br&gt;Par mille milliers de milliers?&lt;br&gt;—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.''
** For what this whirlwind all aflame?&lt;br&gt;    This thunderstroke of hellish ire,&lt;br&gt;    Setting the universe afire?&lt;br&gt;  While millions upon millions came&lt;br&gt;    Into a very storm of war?&lt;br&gt;      For a scrap of paper.
** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5.

* ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.''
** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32.

* ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.''
** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.'''
*** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579.

* ''Omnibus hostes&lt;br&gt;Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.''
**   Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52.

* ''Non tam portas intrare patentes&lt;br&gt;Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono&lt;br&gt;Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;&lt;br&gt;Concessa pudet ire via.''
** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443.

* 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd!
** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes.
** Quoted in &quot;My War Memories, 1914-1918&quot; - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919

* Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt).
** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. &quot;If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones.&quot; Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917.

== M ==
[[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[James Madison]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]]
[[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,&lt;br&gt;  With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?&lt;br&gt;And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?&lt;br&gt;  And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951

* In war there is no substitute for victory.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951

* That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145

*[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage...
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171

* Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono.
** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6

* War in men's eyes shall be&lt;br&gt;A monster of iniquity&lt;br&gt;  In the good time coming.&lt;br&gt;Nations shall not quarrel then,&lt;br&gt;  To prove which is the stronger;&lt;br&gt;Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—&lt;br&gt;  Wait a little longer.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''.

* The warpipes are pealing, &quot;The Campbells are coming.&quot;&lt;br&gt;  They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it?
** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.''
** Here I am and here I stay.
** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him &quot;Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste&quot;.

* War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried.
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Universal Peace&quot;, National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building.

* '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.'''
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Political Observations&quot; (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491

* No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614.

* The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue.
** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics.

* ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,&lt;br&gt;Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Ne sait quand reviendra.''
** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America &quot;We won't go home until morning.&quot; Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians.

* ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.)
** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late.
** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD)

* Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.
** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g &quot;Toy Soldiers&quot;] (1988), ''Martika''

*War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour.
**{{cite journal
 | last = Masaryk
 | first = Tomáš Garrigue
 | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
 | date = 2017-03-29
 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism
 | journal = The New Europe
 | volume = 2
 | issue = 24
 | pages =342–350
 | issn =  
 | doi = 
 | id = 
 | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism
 }}

* And silence broods like spirit on the brae,&lt;br&gt;  A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs&lt;br&gt;Over the grasses of the ancient way&lt;br&gt;  Rutted this morning by the passing guns.
** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King.

* For a flying foe&lt;br&gt;Discreet and provident conquerors build up&lt;br&gt;A bridge of gold.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1.

* Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,&lt;br&gt;And takes away the use of it; and my sword,&lt;br&gt;Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,&lt;br&gt;Will not be drawn.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1.

* Wars and rumours of wars.
** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21.

* All quiet along the Potomac.
** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed.
** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43

* There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,&lt;br&gt;  Some say that nane wan at a', man,&lt;br&gt;But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,&lt;br&gt;  A battle there was which I saw, man.&lt;br&gt;And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,&lt;br&gt;  And we ran, and they ran awa', man.
** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715).

* [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate.
** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in  ''The Fog of War -  Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95.

* There is war in the skies!
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12.

* [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. &lt;br&gt; Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block.
** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017).

* Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction.
** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016)

* War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy.
** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27.

* What though the field be lost?&lt;br&gt;All is not lost; the unconquerable will,&lt;br&gt;And study of revenge, immortal hate&lt;br&gt;And courage never to submit or yield,&lt;br&gt;And what is else not to be overcome.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105.

* Heard so oft&lt;br&gt;In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge&lt;br&gt;Of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275.

* Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,&lt;br&gt;Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.&lt;br&gt;With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,&lt;br&gt;Seraphic arms and trophies.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536.

* My sentence is for open war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51.

* Others more mild,&lt;br&gt;Retreated in a silent valley, sing&lt;br&gt;With notes angelical to many a harp&lt;br&gt;Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall&lt;br&gt;By doom of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546.

* Black it stood as night,&lt;br&gt;Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,&lt;br&gt;And shook a dreadful dart.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670.

* So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell&lt;br&gt;Grew darker at their frown.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719.

* Arms on armour clashing bray'd&lt;br&gt;Horrible discord, and the madding wheels&lt;br&gt;Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise&lt;br&gt;Of conflict.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209.

* To overcome in battle, and subdue&lt;br&gt;Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite&lt;br&gt;Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch&lt;br&gt;Of human glory.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691.

* The brazen throat of war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713.

* No war or battle sound&lt;br&gt;Was heard the world around.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings.
** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154.

* In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}.
** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}''

*&lt;p&gt;Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&amp;#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&amp;#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&amp;#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c&lt;small&gt;&lt;sup&gt;e&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/small&gt;, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].
**Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&amp;nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to &lt;!--Page 35--&gt;add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.&lt;/p&gt;
***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].

* In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence.
** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out.
** [[Alan Moore]], &quot;The Craft&quot; - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005)

* Thrilled ye ever with the story&lt;br&gt;How on stricken fields of glory&lt;br&gt;Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail!
** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan.

* We had nae heed for the parish bell,&lt;br&gt;  But still—when the bugle cried,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,&lt;br&gt;  And there for you we died!
** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915).

== N ==
[[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people.  [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]]
[[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective.  War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] 
* They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word.
** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894)

* 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon.
** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.
** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Baptism of fire.
** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us.
** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1.

* '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in  ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946).

* '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950).

* '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950).

* England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day.
** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order &quot;Nelson confides,&quot; which was changed to &quot;England expects.&quot; See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370.
* You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''.

* What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior.
** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141.

* A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning.
** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the &quot;war in our cities&quot;.

* I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.
** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14.

* A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;&lt;br&gt;There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears.
** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

[[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
== O ==
[[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

* We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002).

* I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars.
**[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004)

*That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. 
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002)

* '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. 
**[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009)

* '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015)

* War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such.
**[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&amp;pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3.

* '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016)

*War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, &amp; working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020)

* March to the battle-field,&lt;br&gt;  The foe is now before us;&lt;br&gt;Each heart is Freedom's shield,&lt;br&gt;  And heaven is shining o'er us.
** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''.
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]]
 
[[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.    ~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]]

*War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word &quot;war&quot;, therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]

*In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... 
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III.

* There is a hill in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;  Heaped with a thousand slain,&lt;br&gt;Where the shells fly night and noontide&lt;br&gt;  And the ghosts that died in vain,&lt;br&gt;A little hill, a hard hill&lt;br&gt;  To the souls that died in pain.
** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915).

== P ==
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Palafox&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Kirby Page&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]]
[[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]]

[[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]]
* Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts.
** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000)

* In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]&quot; (1924).

* Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008)

* Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War even to the knife.
** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted &quot;At the point of the knife&quot;.

* Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green.

* Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him.
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294

* War is organised murder, and nothing else.
** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]).

* Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933).

* ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange &lt;br&gt; If we accept them we will never win.''
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of &quot;Absolute War&quot; a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492.

* ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving &lt;br&gt; Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory &lt;br&gt; You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. &lt;br&gt;  Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. &lt;br&gt; Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, &lt;br&gt; Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of &quot;Absolute War&quot;, as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492.

* Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''.

* Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3

*But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''.

*War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}}

* [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas.
** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919.

* Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See &quot;Literary Digest History of World War,&quot; Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918.

* ''Ils ne passeront pas.''
** They shall not pass.
*** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: &quot;They (the Germans) must not pass.&quot; General Pétain said: &quot;They shall not pass.&quot; In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917.

*The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them.
**[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times''  November 15th, 2021

* γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.&lt;br/&gt;πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς.
* '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, &lt;br/&gt;but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.'''
** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377.
*** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb &quot;''Dulce bellum inexpertis''&quot; which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]].
*** Variant translations:
:::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.'''
:::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it
:::* War is sweet to those who do not know it.
:::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it.
:::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

* From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],&lt;br&gt;Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.&lt;br&gt;Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;&lt;br&gt;And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,&lt;br&gt;Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,&lt;br&gt;And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.&lt;br&gt;Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past&lt;br&gt;His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.&lt;br&gt;On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.&lt;br&gt;Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine.
** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista.

*As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers.
**[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)'']    (16 January 2019)

* If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777).

*When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
**[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e.

* The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are.
** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b.

* He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27.

* Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456.

* It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them.
** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) 
**[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole  ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,]  (21 April 2019)  

* She saw her sons with purple death expire,&lt;br&gt;Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,&lt;br&gt;A dreadful series of intestine wars,&lt;br&gt;Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323.

*War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army.
**Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook

* Porter states that &quot;the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists.&quot;
** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli &amp; Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997).  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21

* When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto.
**[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''.

* The waves&lt;br&gt;Of the mysterious death-river moaned;&lt;br&gt;The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar&lt;br&gt;Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry&lt;br&gt;Of myriad victims, filled the air.
** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16.

* A man is known by the Company he joins.&lt;br&gt;Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.&lt;br&gt;Never look a gift gun in the mouth.&lt;br&gt;A drop of oil in time saves time.&lt;br&gt;One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.&lt;br&gt;Where there's a war there's a way.
** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917.

* In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for &quot;aggressive&quot; chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too &quot;complex&quot; and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. 
** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&amp;pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89.

* Everyone loses in war. But some lose more than others.
** Charles Lachlan Podesta &amp; Sun Dawei, James Ruse Agricultural Institution, 2022.

* I haven't always been a teacher - Life goes on.
** Dr Farag P, St George Bank CEO - Australian NSW Senator Ranked, 2022.

* No Worries, 9-11 is the code, don't fall asleep
** Shiv, Graduate of Edgoverigian University and Professor of the prestigious University of Harvard

== Q ==
* If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must.
** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), &quot;Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must.&quot;

*Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum.
** (Slaughter) means blood and iron.
** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''.

== R ==
[[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]

* ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.''
** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with &quot;golden&quot; bridge for &quot;silver.&quot; The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64.

* Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none!
** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204

* I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no.
** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941.

* '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984).

* A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. &lt;br&gt; Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed.
** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”].

* I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight.
** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012)

* War on the cheap is always a rotten policy.
** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009.

* From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31.

* [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230.

* Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. 

* People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], &quot;The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)&quot;, (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1.

* And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon.
** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles.

* Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
**  Revelation 6:1-2

* Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,&lt;br&gt;  The wine was red as blood.&lt;br&gt;Cried one, &quot;How long then must we wait&lt;br&gt;Ere we shall thunder at the gate,&lt;br&gt;  And crush the cursed brood?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Twelve men of iron, drinking late,&lt;br&gt;Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:&lt;br&gt;* &quot;The Day!&quot;
** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''.

* When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...]  The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] &quot;'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''&quot; This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider &quot;Thou shalt not kill&quot; and &quot;As ye sow, so shall ye reap&quot;. Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' 
** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006).

* The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]].
** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 &quot;Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine&quot;] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018.

* If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support.
** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63.

* The morning came, there stood the foe;&lt;br&gt;  Stark eyed them as they stood;&lt;br&gt;Few words he spoke—'twas not a time&lt;br&gt;  For moralizing mood:&lt;br&gt;&quot;See there the enemy, my boys!&lt;br&gt;  Now, strong in valor's might,&lt;br&gt;Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep&lt;br&gt;  In widowhood to-night.&quot;
** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''.

*Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !&lt;br&gt;The red-cross squadrons madly rage,&lt;br&gt; And mow thro' infancy and age...
**[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786).

* I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: &quot;The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure&quot;. Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743.

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on.
** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.

* Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive.
** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in &quot;The Nazis: A Warning from History&quot;, Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in &quot;The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership&quot; - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999.

* And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517.

* To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: &quot;We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord.&quot;
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June.

* Righteous Heaven,&lt;br&gt;In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor&lt;br&gt;And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,&lt;br&gt;For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,&lt;br&gt;Would plunge his native land in civil wars.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198.

* War, the needy bankrupt's last resort.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343.

* War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others.
* When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense.
* [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability.
:* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&amp;context=jclc &quot;Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States&quot;], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940.

*Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory.
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)   

*To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)       
 
* He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.
** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V.

* It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet.
** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq

* '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine].

* Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did.
** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8

* '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.'''
** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78&lt;!--79--&gt;

* [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel.
** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of &quot;the thin red line&quot; claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191.

== S ==
[[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. &quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot; ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]]
[[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]]

* I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''&quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot;'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war.
** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007).

* Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;The People, Yes&quot;, ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464.

*Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution.   One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. 
**[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002)

* Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. 
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. &lt;br&gt; They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]].
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4

* Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following.
** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI &quot;Blinded in Chains&quot;] (2005), ''City of Evil''

* Only the dead have seen the end of war.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm].

* '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.'''
** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918)

* The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal.
** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41

*Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;&lt;br&gt;Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.''
** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies.
** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!&lt;br&gt;  It was a slaughter rather than a battle.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50.

* Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten&lt;br&gt;Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten.
** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140.

* War is not healthy for children and other living things.
** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection].

* ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.''
** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it.
** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16.

* One blast upon his bugle horn&lt;br&gt;  Were worth a thousand men.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18.

* In the lost battle,&lt;br&gt;  Borne down by the flying,&lt;br&gt;Where mingles war's rattle&lt;br&gt;  With groans of the dying.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11.

* &quot;Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!&quot;&lt;br&gt;Were the last words of Marmion.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32.

* Still from the sire the son shall hear&lt;br&gt;Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,&lt;br&gt;  Of Flodden's fatal field,&lt;br&gt;When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,&lt;br&gt;  And broken was her shield!
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34.

* There was a stately drama writ&lt;br&gt;  By the hand that peopled the earth and air,&lt;br&gt;And set the stars in the infinite,&lt;br&gt;  And made night gorgeous and morning fair;&lt;br&gt;And all that had sense to reason knew&lt;br&gt;That bloody drama must be gone through.&lt;br&gt;Some sat and watched how the action veered—&lt;br&gt;Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—&lt;br&gt;We saw not clearly nor understood,&lt;br&gt;  But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,&lt;br&gt;Each in his part as best he could,&lt;br&gt;  We played it through as the author planned.
** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''.

* Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968)

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York&quot;], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4

* Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions.
** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202.

* It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858.

* They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]].
** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;, (February 16, 1993).

* There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They shall not pass, tho' battleline&lt;br&gt;May bend, and foe with foe combine,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' death rain on them from the sky&lt;br&gt;  Till every fighting man shall die,&lt;br&gt;France shall not yield to German Rhine.
** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg.

* Hold the Fort! I am coming.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is hell.
** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: &quot;War is Hell.&quot; See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71.

* I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864)

* '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.'''
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia.

* I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell!
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek  ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933).

* '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.'''
** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17.

* ''J'ai vécu.''
** I existed.
** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81.

* '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.'''
** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850).

* Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,&lt;br&gt;  But ah! what found she there?&lt;br&gt;The little streams were running red,&lt;br&gt;  And the torn fields were bare;&lt;br&gt;And all about the ruined towers&lt;br&gt;  Where once her king was crowned,&lt;br&gt;The hurtling ploughs of war and death&lt;br&gt;  Had scored the desolate ground.
** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself.
** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434.

* Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is.
** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8.

* Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war!
** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}.

* I came, I saw, God overcame.
** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards.

* The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately.
** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger &quot;As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power&quot;] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020)

* A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77

* War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945)

* War was a kind of poverty with bullets.
** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327

* A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39

* [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War''

*[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
**[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War'']

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

* Terrible as an army with banners.
** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10.

* Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it).
** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Then more fierce&lt;br&gt;The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell&lt;br&gt;Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,&lt;br&gt;The groan of death, commingled in one sound&lt;br&gt;Of undistinguish'd horrors.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV.

* War! war! war!&lt;br&gt;Heaven aid the right!&lt;br&gt;God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!&lt;br&gt;God send the women sleep in the long, long night,&lt;br&gt;  When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII.

* The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI.

* But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,&lt;br&gt;  Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;&lt;br&gt;And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,&lt;br&gt;  May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:&lt;br&gt;* And Old Brown,&lt;br&gt;* Osawatomie Brown,&lt;br&gt;May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859.

* '''Never run against a war hero.'''
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html &quot;History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson&quot; by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)].

*In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.&lt;BR&gt; In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

* Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears&lt;br&gt;Waste of youth's most precious years,&lt;br&gt;Waste of ways the saints have trod,&lt;br&gt;Waste of Glory, waste of God,&lt;br&gt;War!
** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919)

* When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed.
** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Hobbes clearly proves that every creature&lt;br&gt;Lives in a state of war by nature.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, that mad game the world so loves to play.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron&lt;br&gt;Shall a nation be moulded to last.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''.

* War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed.
** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67

== T ==
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Tacitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes.
** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20.

* Deos fortioribus adesse.
** The gods are on the side of the stronger.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17.

* We can start at once. We made preparations on the way.
** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: &quot;When will you be ready?&quot; (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims.

* [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920).

* A little more grape, Captain Bragg.
** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The children born of thee are sword and fire,&lt;br&gt;Red ruin, and the breaking up of law.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423.

* It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt.
** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy).

* Half a league, half a league,&lt;br&gt;  Half a league onward,&lt;br&gt;All in the valley of Death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Forward the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;  Charge for the guns!&quot; he said,&lt;br&gt;Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1.

* Forward, the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;Was there a man dismayed?&lt;br&gt;  Not tho' the soldier knew&lt;br&gt;    Some one had blunder'd.&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to make reply,&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to reason why,&lt;br&gt;Theirs but to do and die.&lt;br&gt; Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2.

* Cannon to right of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon to left of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon in front of them&lt;br&gt;    Volley'd and thunder'd;&lt;br&gt;Stormed at with shot and shell,&lt;br&gt;Boldly they rode and well,&lt;br&gt;  Into the jaws of Death,&lt;br&gt;Into the mouth of Hell&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. &quot;Jaws of death&quot; used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4.

* ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.''
** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms.

* Ten good soldiers, wisely led,&lt;br&gt;Will beat a hundred without a head.
** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks.  … &quot;[[Winston Churchill]] said &quot;The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]].&quot; Churchill also said &quot;In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]].&quot; &lt;br&gt; That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted &quot;Dis-information.&quot; That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], &quot;When War Drums Roll&quot; (17 September 2001)

*Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar.
**[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* But what most showed the vanity of life&lt;br&gt;Was to behold the nations all on fire.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55.

* We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]])  had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer.
**[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,'']  (22 November 2018)

* Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war.
** [[Thucydides]], &quot;The Funeral Speech&quot;, ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39.

* &quot;Victory after all, I suppose!&quot; he said, feeling his aching head. &quot;Well, it seems a very gloomy business.&quot;
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''.
*War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings''

* A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482.

* War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men!
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74.

* God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76.

* The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie...
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375.

* '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. &lt;br /&gt; While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. &lt;br /&gt; Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. &lt;br /&gt; As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. &lt;br /&gt; '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)]

*On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. 
**[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008)

* Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for &quot;the universal brotherhood of man&quot; — with his mouth.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''.

* When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&quot;O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen&quot;.
** [[Mark Twain]], &quot;The War Prayer&quot; (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98.

== V ==
* With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantiﬁed was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap.
** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94

* This is the soldier brave enough to tell&lt;br&gt;The glory-dazzled world that &quot;war is hell.&quot;
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives.
** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all &quot;HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era&quot;] (1995), ''The New York Times''

* '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder.  It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all.  We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake.
** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria?  From  ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with  Russia  and  China  in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]],  [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran]  (3 January 2020)

* ''Arma virumque cano.''
** Arms and the man I sing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1.

* … I saw these terrible things,&lt;br&gt;and took great part in them.
** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi&lt;br&gt;et quorum pars magna fui).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: &quot;All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was&quot;. Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy.

* ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.''
** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354.

* ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?''
** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor?
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390.

* ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.''
** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754.

* ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.''
** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461.

* ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.''
** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104.

* ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.''
** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington.

== W ==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
**[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals &amp; Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106.

* On to Richmond.
** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign.

* A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778

* To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace.
** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790.

* They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834.

* Up Guards and at 'em!
** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. &quot;What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack.&quot; See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington.

* Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.
** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton.
** Attributed to Wellington. &quot;The battle of Waterloo was won here,&quot; was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.).

* ''The War That Will End War''.
** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase &quot;The war to end war&quot; is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: &quot;This war, like the next war, is a war to end war&quot;. See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase.

* A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40.

*'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''.
:* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1

* The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill.
** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.'''
** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936).

* [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields.
** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017).

* This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,&lt;br&gt;Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;&lt;br&gt;Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,&lt;br&gt;They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton.
** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! &lt;br&gt; There's got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; What is it good for? &lt;br&gt; War has caused unrest &lt;br&gt; Among the younger generation &lt;br&gt; Induction then destruction &lt;br&gt; Who wants to die? &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War-I despise &lt;br&gt; Because it means destruction &lt;br&gt; Of innocent lives &lt;br&gt; War means tears &lt;br&gt; To thousands of mothers how &lt;br&gt; When their sons go off to fight &lt;br&gt; And lose their lives &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; It's an enemy of all mankind &lt;br&gt; No point of war &lt;br&gt; Because you're a man &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War has shattered &lt;br&gt; Many young men's dreams &lt;br&gt; We've got no place for it today &lt;br&gt; They say we must fight to keep our freedom &lt;br&gt; But Lord, there's just got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; '''Friend only to the undertaker'''''
** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969)
** ''Life is much to short and precious &lt;br&gt; To spend fighting wars these days &lt;br&gt; War can't give life &lt;br&gt; It can only take it away &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; War, friend only to the undertaker &lt;br&gt; Peace, love and understanding &lt;br&gt; Tell me, is there no place for them today.''
*** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War &amp; Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War &amp; Peace]]''. (1970)

* Now we remember over here in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)&lt;br&gt;  This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.&lt;br&gt;We never thought about You much in England,&lt;br&gt;But now that we are far away from England&lt;br&gt;  We have no doubts, we know that You are here.
** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916.

* We seemed to see our flag unfurled,&lt;br&gt;  Our champion waiting in his place&lt;br&gt;For the last battle of the world,&lt;br&gt;  The Armageddon of the race.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke).
** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, &quot;Civis romanus sum,&quot; hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, &quot;I am a German citizen.&quot;
** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every bullet has its billet.
** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!&lt;br&gt;Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there!
** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907.

* War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914.

* You have laid upon me this double obligation: &quot;we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained.&quot;
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916.

* It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917.

* In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art.
** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''.

* They came with banner, spear, and shield;&lt;br&gt;And it was proved in Bosworth field,&lt;br&gt;Not long the Avenger was withstood—&lt;br&gt;Earth help'd him with the cry of blood.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* But Thy most dreaded instrument&lt;br&gt;In working out a pure intent,&lt;br&gt;Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—&lt;br&gt;Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. &quot;But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail.&quot; Version in later editions.

* Everyone loses in war, even the winners.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2

* War is murder, king-sized.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius”

== Z ==

* As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp.
** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606.

*The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself.
**[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]]  in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/  ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,'']  (15 August 2018) 

*One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]]  (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that &quot;these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence.&quot; The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... 
**[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf  ''A People's History of the United States'',&lt;small&gt;(Full text online)&lt;/small&gt;] (1980) p. 402

* Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?
** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'',  “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)
 
*America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.)
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

== Unknown authorship ==

* War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, &quot;… entrusted to generals&quot;.

* Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&amp;redir_esc=y 1915])

* It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. 
** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia''

==War quotations in fiction==

[[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]]
* Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].
:* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975).

* There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving.
**[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor

* Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]].

* '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.&lt;br&gt;'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great.
** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980).

* What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume.
** [[George Lucas]]  [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005.

* Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul.
** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''.

* Property, the whole thing's about property.
** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''.

* There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand.
** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''.

* War makes thieves of many honest folk.
** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I)

* Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''.

* &quot;When I go home, people ask me: &quot;Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?&quot;, I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is.&quot;
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''.

* With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.
** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''.

* I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called &quot;possession of my soul.&quot; There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.
** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''.

* If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''.

* A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.
** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''.

[[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]]
* We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]]

*'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war!
* [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', &quot;[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]&quot;, ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942).

* In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings.
** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land.
** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''.

* You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.
** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''.

* And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]?
** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War

* The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''.

==See also==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Disarmament]]
* [[Just war theory]]
* [[Martial arts]]
* [[Military]]
*[[Military-industrial complex]]
* [[Nuclear war]]
* [[Pacifism]]
* [[Peace]]
*[[The Pentagon]]
* [[Soldiers]]
*[[Violence]]
* [[War and peace]]
*[[War crimes]]
* [[Weapons]]
*[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]]
* [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]]
* [[:Category:Wars and battles]]
{{Social and political philosophy}}

==External links==
* [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]]
*[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]]
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|war}}
{{wikisource portal|Wars}}
{{Commons}}

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      <text bytes="329580" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]]
[[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]]  ]]
[[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]]

'''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}}
== A ==
* It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war.
** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863).

*  My voice is still for war.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1.

* They sent forth men to battle,&lt;br&gt;But no such men return;&lt;br&gt;And home, to claim their welcome,&lt;br&gt;Come ashes in an urn.
** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: &quot;Thinkability&quot;

* There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second.
** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)].

*A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]].
**[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980)

* We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967)

* And by a prudent flight and cunning save&lt;br&gt;A life, which valour could not, from the grave.&lt;br&gt;A better buckler I can soon regain;&lt;br&gt;But who can get another life again?
** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''.

* Let who will boast their courage in the field,&lt;br&gt;I find but little safety from my shield.&lt;br&gt;Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:&lt;br&gt;This made me cast my useless shield away.
** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe.
** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* This is war. '''Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

*If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. 
**[[Julian Assange]], quoted in  [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,]  October 22, 2021

== B ==
[[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]]

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]
[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]]                            
[[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]]

*Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades.  And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?  I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*We’ve been a nation too long at war.  If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. 
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless.
**[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936)  p. 180   

*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

* Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]].
** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii

* The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: &quot;Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now.&quot;
** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''.

* [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]].
** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately.

* I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it.
** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987)

*The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in &quot;colossal danger&quot; due to the threat from nuclear weapons.  In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed.
** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019).

* All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say&lt;br&gt;  Except now and then a stray picket&lt;br&gt;Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,&lt;br&gt;  By a rifleman hid in the thicket.
** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt; Arm! Advance!&lt;br&gt; Hope of France!&lt;br&gt;Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt;Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks!
** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation.

* Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war.
** [[Wendell Berry]], &quot;A Statement against the War in Vietnam&quot;, ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969)

* The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. &quot;World power or downfall&quot; will be our rallying cry.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII.

* We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII.

* Just for a word—&quot;[[neutrality]],&quot; a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her.
** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914.

* War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv.

* ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.''
** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is &quot;The Eastern Question is not worth,&quot; etc.

* ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.''
** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel.

* ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.''
** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859).

* [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron.
** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''.

* War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland.
** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996).

* No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* Generals gathered in their masses&lt;br&gt; just like witches at black masses.&lt;br&gt; Evil minds that plot destruction,&lt;br&gt; sorcerer of death's construction.
** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]]

* What a place to plunder!
** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: &quot;The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty.&quot; The German quoted would be correctly translated &quot;what rubbish!&quot; Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated.

* War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided.
** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''.

* War will make corpses of us all.
** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* It is magnificent, but it is not war.
** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&amp;nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]].
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

* Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].
** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113

* Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war.
** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article &quot;Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast&quot; by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07.

* [[Politics]] is the domestication of war.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Yo-Yo Boing!&quot;.

*What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].&quot;
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;United States of Banana&quot;.

* My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Empire of Dreams&quot;.

* [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''.

* Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in &quot;Harvest of Seasons&quot; of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']]

* War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts
** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22

* The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54.

* In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation.

* Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;&lt;br&gt; Leave in its track the toiling plough;&lt;br&gt;The rifle and the bayonet-blade&lt;br&gt; For arms like yours were fitter now;&lt;br&gt;And let the hands that ply the pen&lt;br&gt; Quit the light task, and learn to wield&lt;br&gt;The horseman's crooked brand, and rein&lt;br&gt; The charger on the battle-field.
** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack.
** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918.

* The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called &quot;The General of No Retreat.&quot; See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* You are there, stay there.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace&quot;, letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283.

* This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers.
** [[William S. Burroughs]], &quot;The War Universe&quot;, taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)].

* Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;&lt;br&gt;Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,&lt;br&gt;Welcome to your gory bed,&lt;br&gt;  Or to victory!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''.

* But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of &quot;divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind,&quot; adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, &quot;and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it.&quot;
** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621).

* ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.''
** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones.
*** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''.

* In all the trade of war, no feat&lt;br&gt;Is nobler than a brave retreat.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607.

* For those that run away, and fly,&lt;br&gt;Take place at least o' th' enemy.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609.

* Bloody wars at first began,&lt;br&gt;The artificial plague of man,&lt;br&gt;That from his own invention rise,&lt;br&gt;To scourge his own iniquities.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105.

* War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
* A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small &quot;inside&quot; group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23.

* A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
* Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. 
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40.

* O proud was our army that morning&lt;br&gt; That stood where the pine darkly towers,&lt;br&gt;When Sherman said—&quot;Boys, you are weary,&lt;br&gt; This day fair Savannah is ours.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Then sang we a song for our chieftain&lt;br&gt; That echoed o'er river and lea,&lt;br&gt;And the stars on our banner shone brighter&lt;br&gt; When Sherman marched down to the sea.
** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Hand to hand, and foot to foot:&lt;br&gt;Nothing there, save death, was mute;&lt;br&gt;Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry&lt;br&gt;For quarter or for victory,&lt;br&gt;Mingle there with the volleying thunder.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24.

* War, war is still the cry, &quot;War even to the knife!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86.

* And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,&lt;br&gt;  The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,&lt;br&gt;Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,&lt;br&gt;  And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;&lt;br&gt;  And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar&lt;br&gt;And near; the beat of the alarming drum&lt;br&gt;  Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;&lt;br&gt;While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,&lt;br&gt;Or whispering with white lips—&quot;The foe! they come! they come!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25.

* Battle's magnificently stern array!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28.

* The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,&lt;br&gt;And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

* Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,&lt;br&gt;That host with their banners at sunset were seen;&lt;br&gt;Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,&lt;br&gt;That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

== C ==
[[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Cicero]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] 
[[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]]
[[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html  William Crandell  in  ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]]

* ''Veni, vidi, vici.''
** I came, I saw, I conquered.
** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, &quot;non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam.&quot; Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, &quot;Ueni, uidi, uici.&quot; Never shall insolent barbarian say &quot;I came, I saw, I conquered.&quot; Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653).

* ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.''
** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes.
** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21.

* War is the answer if you're questioning the general.
**[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo &quot;Army Gunz&quot;] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records

*I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)
 
* War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes.
** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997)

* The combat deepens. On, ye brave,&lt;br&gt;Who rush to glory, or the grave!&lt;br&gt;Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,&lt;br&gt;  And charge with all thy chivalry.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.''
** The guard dies but does not surrender.
*** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, &amp; Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''.

* '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other.
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, &quot;Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty&quot;, chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911).

* There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word &quot;Fire!&quot; is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands...
**[[Thomas Carlyle]] in &quot;Sartor Resartus&quot;, quoted in &quot;In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign&quot; by Leon Wolff (1958).

* O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,&lt;br&gt; How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte&lt;br&gt;In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,&lt;br&gt; Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte.
** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''.

* Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938

* The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble.
** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249.

* To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as &quot;It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'&quot; in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as &quot;To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war&quot; on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has &quot;better to talk jaw to jaw than have war&quot;, and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, &quot;It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war&quot;.

* Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news
 | first = Leonard
 | last = Fein
 | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/
 | title = This Time It's Our War
 | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]]
 | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]]
 | accessdate = 2007-01-13
}}

*  ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.''
** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.
*** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library]

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war.
** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''.
** Variant translations:
*** In a time of war, the law falls silent.
*** Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

* Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.
** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22.

* Silent leges inter arma.
** The law is silent during war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV.

* Pro aris et focis.
** For your altars and your fires.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this.

* Nervi belli pecunia infinita.
** Endless money forms the sinews of war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. (&quot;Corn&quot; for &quot;money&quot;).

* There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war.
** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999).

* We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die.
**[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,&lt;br&gt;Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.
** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833.

* War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833.

* War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833.

* War is fought by human beings.
** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833.

* [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars.
** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986)  [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)]

* We made war to the end—to the very end of the end.
** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918).

* ''War is not the answer &lt;br&gt; For only love can conquer hate &lt;br&gt; You know we've got to find a way &lt;br&gt; To bring some lovin' here today''
** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971)

* I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html &quot;In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation&quot;], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]]

* What voice did on my spirit fall,&lt;br&gt;  Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?&lt;br&gt;  &quot;'Tis better to have fought and lost,&lt;br&gt;Than never to have fought at all.&quot;
** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], &quot;Peschiera&quot;. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure.
** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, &quot;Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons&quot;, Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115.

* War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243.

* [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, &quot;while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows...&quot; At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.&lt;br /&gt;At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, &quot;and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat.&quot;
** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174.

* The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world.
** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813).

* But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,&lt;br&gt;Kings would not play at.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187.

* Hence jarring sectaries may learn&lt;br&gt;Their real interest to discern;&lt;br&gt;That brother should not war with brother,&lt;br&gt;And worry and devour each other.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
[[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]].  ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]]

[[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]]  ]]

* [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders.
** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847.

* We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it.
** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812).

* There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists.
** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5).

* War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

== D ==
[[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;J. Davidson&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.'''
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy.

* From fear in every guise,&lt;br&gt; From sloth, from love of pelf,&lt;br&gt;By war's great sacrifice&lt;br&gt; The world redeems itself.
**  [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. &lt;br&gt; They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. &lt;br&gt; And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. &lt;br&gt; Yours not to reason why;&lt;br&gt;Yours but to do and die. &lt;br&gt; That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. &lt;br&gt; If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''.
** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972).

*The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan.
**[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like  ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019)

* ''Di qui non si passa.''
** By here they shall not pass.
***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano.
* ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.''
** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle.

* What argufies pride and ambition?&lt;br&gt; Soon or late death will take us in tow:&lt;br&gt;Each bullet has got its commission,&lt;br&gt; And when our time's come we must go.
** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves.
** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280.

* A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855).

* Carry his body hence,—&lt;br&gt;Kings must have slaves;&lt;br&gt;Kings climb to eminence&lt;br&gt;Over men's graves:&lt;br&gt;So this man's eye is dim;—&lt;br&gt;Throw the earth over him.
** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], &quot;Before Sedan&quot;, line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King &amp; Co., 1873), p. 56.

*We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* All delays are dangerous in war.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, he sung, is toil and trouble;&lt;br&gt;Honour but an empty bubble.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99.
*At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,&lt;br /&gt;The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end.
**[[Du Fu]], Tang poet
* When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''.

* 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920).

*'&lt;b&gt;A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.&lt;/b&gt; Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &amp;mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.'
**[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, &lt;i&gt;Stormrider&lt;/i&gt;]] (Ch. 15)

== E ==
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* There is no discharge in that war.
** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Moral Decay&quot; (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950)

* I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15.

* Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, &quot;Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world.&quot; She answered, &quot;O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it.&quot;
**[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499].

* As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in &quot;Einstein on the Atomic Bomb,&quot; part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&amp;pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945])

* '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173.

* '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931).
** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.'''

* '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels.

* '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]]

* All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address.

* '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.'''
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)]

*I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now.
**{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}}

* By the rude bridge that arched the flood,&lt;br&gt;  Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;&lt;br&gt;Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,&lt;br&gt;  And fired the shot heard round the world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.'''
** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508)

* Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate.
** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722.

== F ==
[[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.'''
** Elma &quot;Pen&quot; Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html &quot;Philo Taylor Farnsworth&quot;, ''Brigham Young University Highschool''].

* It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war...
** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}}

* Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination.
** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916).

* O great corrector of enormous times,&lt;br&gt;Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider&lt;br&gt;Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood&lt;br&gt;The earth when it is sick, and curest the world&lt;br&gt;O' the pleurisy of people.
** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1.

* Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both.
** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302.

* My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions.
** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]].

* Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. &quot;No reserves.&quot; No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup!
** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919).

* I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine.
** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919).

* Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.&lt;br&gt;There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;&lt;br&gt;  Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home.
** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War.

* '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.'''
** [[Gerald Ford]],  Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25.

* War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*Expect no quarter.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''.

*The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914.

* It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war.
**[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007.

*'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do.  It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights.
**[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath  ''Critical Path''] (1981)

== G ==
[[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Your flaming torch aloft we bear,&lt;br&gt;With burning heart an oath we swear&lt;br&gt;To keep the faith, to fight it through,&lt;br&gt;To crush the foe or sleep with you&lt;br&gt;  In Flanders' fields.
** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields.

* The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down.
** As quoted in &quot;The First and the Last,&quot; 1954.

* What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142

* You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,&lt;br&gt;These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.&lt;br&gt;Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:&lt;br&gt;Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity.
** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,&lt;br&gt;That every bullet hath a lighting place.
** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men.
** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815.
*I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''.
**Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com]

* [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater speciﬁcity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]].
** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96.

* The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].&lt;br&gt; Christ: the principle of love.&lt;br&gt; Marx: the principle of hate.
** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. &lt;br&gt; Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. &lt;br&gt; Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.&lt;br&gt;''

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

* Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over.
** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''.

* Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,&lt;br&gt;  Once more from roaring cannon and the drums&lt;br&gt;  And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;&lt;br&gt;Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:&lt;br&gt;  Once more your Captain calls to you;&lt;br&gt;  Come to his last review!
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''.

* An attitude not only of defence, but defiance.
** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. &quot;Defence not defiance&quot; became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859).

* '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.&lt;br&gt; ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. &lt;br&gt;''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.'''
** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)]

* O, send Lewis Gordon hame&lt;br&gt;And the lad I maune name,&lt;br&gt;Though his back be at the wa'&lt;br&gt;Here's to him that's far awa'.&lt;br&gt;O, hon! my Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;O, my bonny Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;Weel would I my true love ken&lt;br&gt;Among ten thousand Highlandmen.
** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''.

* '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239.

* No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862.

* For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12.

* '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27.

* '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]].
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in &quot;International [[Arbitration]]&quot; by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180.

* '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67.

*'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,&lt;br&gt;War was foundering of sublimities,&lt;br&gt;Extinction of each happy art and faith&lt;br&gt;By which the world had still kept head in air'''.
** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War,&quot; lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938).

* The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]].
** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as &quot;the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey&quot;.

* We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. 
** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in &quot;Sword Point&quot; - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988.

* ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.''
** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose.
*** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540).

== H ==
[[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account.
** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&amp;pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}}

*War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise...
**[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005)

* The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war.
** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412

* '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.'''
** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, &lt;small&gt;  {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Yes; quaint and curious war is!&lt;br&gt;  You shoot a fellow down&lt;br&gt;You'd treat if met where any bar is,&lt;br&gt;  Or help to half-a-crown.
** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They were left in the lurch&lt;br&gt;For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;With his arms full of hymnbooks …&lt;br&gt;Rang his voice, &quot;Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts.&quot;
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''.

* An hour ago, a Star was falling.&lt;br&gt;A star? There's nothing strange in that.&lt;br&gt;  No, nothing; but above the thicket,&lt;br&gt;Somehow it seemed to me that God&lt;br&gt;  Somewhere had just relieved a picket.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''.

* Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,&lt;br&gt;  And of armèd men the hum;&lt;br&gt;Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered&lt;br&gt;  Round the quick alarming drum—&lt;br&gt;   Saying, Come,&lt;br&gt;   Freemen, Come!&lt;br&gt;Ere your heritage be wasted,&lt;br&gt;  Said the quick alarming drum.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''.

* Let the only walls the foe shall scale&lt;br&gt;  Be ramparts of the dead!
** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* My men never retire. They go forward or they die.
** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him.
* Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war.
**[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002)

* The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]].
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths]  (11 June 2005)

* Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at.
**[[Chris Hedges]],   [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&amp;t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021

* Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation.
** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116.

* The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force.
**[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

* Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139.  &quot;While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information&quot; there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry &quot;when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties&quot;. Wirt collected information from &quot;intelligent and reliable&quot; auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. &quot;Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period&quot;, the fact that the speech conforms to others in &quot;oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments&quot; from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. &quot;Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history&quot;. Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. &quot;I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817&quot;. Carroll A. Wilson, &quot;Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log&quot;, ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204.

* '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]]

* Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there.
** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;
*# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.'''
*# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889])
*#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: &quot;And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc.&quot;
*#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43.
*#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B).
*#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz.
*#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.''
*# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]]
*# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943)
* Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα.
*# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.'''
*# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889])
*#: &quot;The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources:
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682.
*#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.''
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586.&quot;

* Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &amp;#91;Christian&amp;#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God.
** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition''

* Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,&lt;br&gt;  Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;&lt;br&gt;Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember&lt;br&gt;  Who was our friend when the world was our foe.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful.

*When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought.
** William Holt    https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt

* I war not with the dead.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte.

*   Take thou thy arms and come with me,&lt;br&gt;For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive&lt;br&gt;To aid our cause, although we be but two.&lt;br&gt;Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,&lt;br&gt;And we can combat even with the brave.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation.

* The chance of war&lt;br&gt;Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation.

* It is not right to exult over slain men.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41).

* So ends the bloody business of the day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation

* Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166.

* Nimirum hic ego sum.
** Here indeed I am; this is my position.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42

* Postquam Discordia tetra&lt;br&gt;Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit.
** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,&lt;br&gt;  And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius.

* Ye who made war that your ships&lt;br&gt;  Should lay to at the beck of no nation,&lt;br&gt;Make war now on Murder, that slips&lt;br&gt;  The leash of her hounds of damnation;&lt;br&gt;Ye who remembered the Alamo,&lt;br&gt;Remember the Maine!
** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''.

**We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided.
**[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9

* Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:&lt;br&gt;He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:&lt;br&gt;He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:&lt;br&gt;      His truth is marching on.
** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''.

* ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.''
** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet.
** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet.

* Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''.

* The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver).
** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649).

* Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces.
**Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime  ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018)

* The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''.

*If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet...  My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]].
**[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world  '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018)

* All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], in &quot;Pacifism and Philosophy&quot; (1936).

== I ==
* Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.]
** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35.

* I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.
** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945).

* Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
** [[Isaiah]], 2:4.

== J ==
[[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]]
[[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]]
[[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet!
** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21.

*When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War.  Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.&lt;BR&gt; And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]].  So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''.  I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons...
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

*What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].'''  So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017..   So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''.
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

* You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic.
** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]]

* YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. &lt;br&gt; For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress.
**[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation]

* He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off.
** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today.
** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
: “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God!
:* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&amp;p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12]

*How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: &quot;The first casualty when war comes is truth&quot;, attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”.
**[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail]   (March 10, 2016)

* I have prayed in her fields of poppies,&lt;br&gt;  I have laughed with the men who died—&lt;br&gt;But in all my ways and through all my days&lt;br&gt;  Like a friend He walked beside.&lt;br&gt;I have seen a sight under Heaven&lt;br&gt;  That only God understands,&lt;br&gt;In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there&lt;br&gt;  With the Sword of God in His hand.
** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for.
** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009).

* Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy].
** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson]

*A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism.
**[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775).

* The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.
** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The people arose as one man.
** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one.
** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &amp;ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&amp;rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007.

* In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high.
** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920)

== K ==
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

*(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all.
**[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004.

* Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81

* All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically.
** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm &quot;Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View&quot;] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis''

* By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''.

* [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed.&quot;
** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36.

* 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. 
** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012.

* [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction.
** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html &quot;Strike Against War&quot;, speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)].

* Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves.
** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940).

* Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]].
** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88

* Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)]

* Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)

* War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 &quot;On Language&quot; article &quot;Warrior&quot; in the New York Times rubric Magazines.]

* For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet.
** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston &amp; New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}}

* '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. &quot;Pursue peace,&quot; the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]&lt;!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --&gt;

* And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 &quot;Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis&quot; (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]].

* Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind
** [[John F. Kennedy]],  Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961).
* The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222

* Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) 

[[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.  A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead.  For they  would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors.  ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]]

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963)  

* '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], &quot;the survivors would envy the dead.&quot; For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963) 

* It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary.
** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem

* O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation.
**[[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot; (1814).

* The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''&quot;theory of competitive control.&quot;''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population.
** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013.

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''.

* War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding.
** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692

* Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact.
** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. &quot;The spruce beauty of the slender red line.&quot; Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6.

* For heathen heart that puts her trust&lt;br&gt;  In reeking tube and iron shard—&lt;br&gt;All valiant dust that builds on dust,&lt;br&gt;  And guarding calls not Thee to guard—&lt;br&gt;For frantic boast and foolish word,&lt;br&gt;Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Four things greater than all things are,—&lt;br&gt;Women and Horses and Power and War.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890).

* For agony and spoil&lt;br&gt;  Of nations beat to dust,&lt;br&gt;For poisoned air and tortured soil&lt;br&gt;  And cold, commanded lust,&lt;br&gt;And every secret woe&lt;br&gt;  The shuddering waters saw—&lt;br&gt;Willed and fulfilled by high and low—&lt;br&gt;  Let them relearn the Law.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918).

* But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:&lt;br /&gt;Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, &quot;brainy capitalists&quot; and other elegant and eminent &quot;very best people.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, hardly.&lt;br /&gt;Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.&lt;br /&gt;Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:&lt;br /&gt;If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.&lt;br /&gt;We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.&lt;br /&gt;Let those who want &quot;great victories&quot; ''go to the firing line and get them''.&lt;br /&gt;If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.&lt;br /&gt;&quot;What is war?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;They say &quot;War is Hell.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell.
** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28

* You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King.
** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.&lt;br&gt; Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.”  Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp,  Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

* War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course.
** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274.
[[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]]

*We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.&lt;BR&gt;There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.&lt;BR&gt;[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere...  The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''&lt;BR&gt;[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. 
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]]  (1938)

*You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.&lt;BR&gt; To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. &lt;BR&gt;There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286)
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'',  [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']]   (1938)

* &quot;…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. 
** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs &amp; Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12

* Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war.
** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] &amp; [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234

== L ==
[[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* War will not end until all of the violent people are killed.
** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''.

* Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly.
** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom.
** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place.
** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855).

* It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862).

* When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war!
** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2.

* Art, thou hast many infamies,&lt;br&gt;But not an infamy like this.&lt;br&gt;O snap the fife and still the drum&lt;br&gt;And show the monster as she is.
** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too.
** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988)

* I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before.
** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in &quot;[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]&quot; on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973).

* O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me.
** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV.

* The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

*Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863)

* One month too late.
** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* To arms! to arms! ye brave!&lt;br&gt;  Th' avenging sword unsheathe,&lt;br&gt;March on! march on! all hearts resolved&lt;br&gt;  On victory or death!
** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908.

* At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,&lt;br&gt;Sat feasting the officers, one and all—&lt;br&gt;Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,&lt;br&gt;One raised his glass, held high to hail,&lt;br&gt;Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,&lt;br&gt;Spoke three words only: &quot;To the day!&quot;
** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore.
** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): &quot;Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942&quot;. ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166.

* Ez fer war, I call it murder,—&lt;br&gt;  Ther you hev it plain and flat;&lt;br&gt;I don't want to go no furder&lt;br&gt;  Than my Testyment fer that.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1.

* We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3.

* Not but wut abstract war is horrid,&lt;br&gt;  I sign to thet with all my heart,—&lt;br&gt;But civilysation doos git forrid&lt;br&gt;  Sometimes, upon a powder-cart.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7.

* War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation.
** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion.

* God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last £100,000,000 will win.
** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8.

* Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,&lt;br&gt;  With such accursed instruments as these,&lt;br&gt;Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,&lt;br&gt;  And jarrest the celestial harmonies?
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Ultima ratio regum.''
** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.]
** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759.

* The Campbells are comin'.
** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée&lt;br&gt;Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?&lt;br&gt;Cet embrasement de l'enfer?&lt;br&gt;Ce tourbillonnement d'armées&lt;br&gt;Par mille milliers de milliers?&lt;br&gt;—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.''
** For what this whirlwind all aflame?&lt;br&gt;    This thunderstroke of hellish ire,&lt;br&gt;    Setting the universe afire?&lt;br&gt;  While millions upon millions came&lt;br&gt;    Into a very storm of war?&lt;br&gt;      For a scrap of paper.
** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5.

* ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.''
** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32.

* ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.''
** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.'''
*** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579.

* ''Omnibus hostes&lt;br&gt;Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.''
**   Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52.

* ''Non tam portas intrare patentes&lt;br&gt;Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono&lt;br&gt;Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;&lt;br&gt;Concessa pudet ire via.''
** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443.

* 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd!
** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes.
** Quoted in &quot;My War Memories, 1914-1918&quot; - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919

* Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt).
** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. &quot;If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones.&quot; Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917.

== M ==
[[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[James Madison]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]]
[[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,&lt;br&gt;  With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?&lt;br&gt;And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?&lt;br&gt;  And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951

* In war there is no substitute for victory.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951

* That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145

*[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage...
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171

* Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono.
** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6

* War in men's eyes shall be&lt;br&gt;A monster of iniquity&lt;br&gt;  In the good time coming.&lt;br&gt;Nations shall not quarrel then,&lt;br&gt;  To prove which is the stronger;&lt;br&gt;Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—&lt;br&gt;  Wait a little longer.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''.

* The warpipes are pealing, &quot;The Campbells are coming.&quot;&lt;br&gt;  They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it?
** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.''
** Here I am and here I stay.
** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him &quot;Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste&quot;.

* War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried.
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Universal Peace&quot;, National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building.

* '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.'''
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Political Observations&quot; (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491

* No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614.

* The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue.
** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics.

* ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,&lt;br&gt;Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Ne sait quand reviendra.''
** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America &quot;We won't go home until morning.&quot; Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians.

* ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.)
** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late.
** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD)

* Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.
** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g &quot;Toy Soldiers&quot;] (1988), ''Martika''

*War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour.
**{{cite journal
 | last = Masaryk
 | first = Tomáš Garrigue
 | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
 | date = 2017-03-29
 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism
 | journal = The New Europe
 | volume = 2
 | issue = 24
 | pages =342–350
 | issn =  
 | doi = 
 | id = 
 | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism
 }}

* And silence broods like spirit on the brae,&lt;br&gt;  A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs&lt;br&gt;Over the grasses of the ancient way&lt;br&gt;  Rutted this morning by the passing guns.
** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King.

* For a flying foe&lt;br&gt;Discreet and provident conquerors build up&lt;br&gt;A bridge of gold.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1.

* Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,&lt;br&gt;And takes away the use of it; and my sword,&lt;br&gt;Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,&lt;br&gt;Will not be drawn.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1.

* Wars and rumours of wars.
** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21.

* All quiet along the Potomac.
** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed.
** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43

* There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,&lt;br&gt;  Some say that nane wan at a', man,&lt;br&gt;But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,&lt;br&gt;  A battle there was which I saw, man.&lt;br&gt;And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,&lt;br&gt;  And we ran, and they ran awa', man.
** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715).

* [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate.
** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in  ''The Fog of War -  Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95.

* There is war in the skies!
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12.

* [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. &lt;br&gt; Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block.
** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017).

* Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction.
** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016)

* War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy.
** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27.

* What though the field be lost?&lt;br&gt;All is not lost; the unconquerable will,&lt;br&gt;And study of revenge, immortal hate&lt;br&gt;And courage never to submit or yield,&lt;br&gt;And what is else not to be overcome.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105.

* Heard so oft&lt;br&gt;In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge&lt;br&gt;Of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275.

* Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,&lt;br&gt;Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.&lt;br&gt;With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,&lt;br&gt;Seraphic arms and trophies.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536.

* My sentence is for open war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51.

* Others more mild,&lt;br&gt;Retreated in a silent valley, sing&lt;br&gt;With notes angelical to many a harp&lt;br&gt;Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall&lt;br&gt;By doom of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546.

* Black it stood as night,&lt;br&gt;Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,&lt;br&gt;And shook a dreadful dart.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670.

* So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell&lt;br&gt;Grew darker at their frown.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719.

* Arms on armour clashing bray'd&lt;br&gt;Horrible discord, and the madding wheels&lt;br&gt;Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise&lt;br&gt;Of conflict.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209.

* To overcome in battle, and subdue&lt;br&gt;Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite&lt;br&gt;Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch&lt;br&gt;Of human glory.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691.

* The brazen throat of war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713.

* No war or battle sound&lt;br&gt;Was heard the world around.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings.
** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154.

* In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}.
** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}''

*&lt;p&gt;Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&amp;#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&amp;#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&amp;#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c&lt;small&gt;&lt;sup&gt;e&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/small&gt;, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].
**Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&amp;nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to &lt;!--Page 35--&gt;add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.&lt;/p&gt;
***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].

* In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence.
** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out.
** [[Alan Moore]], &quot;The Craft&quot; - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005)

* Thrilled ye ever with the story&lt;br&gt;How on stricken fields of glory&lt;br&gt;Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail!
** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan.

* We had nae heed for the parish bell,&lt;br&gt;  But still—when the bugle cried,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,&lt;br&gt;  And there for you we died!
** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915).

== N ==
[[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people.  [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]]
[[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective.  War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] 
* They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word.
** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894)

* 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon.
** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.
** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Baptism of fire.
** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us.
** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1.

* '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in  ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946).

* '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950).

* '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950).

* England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day.
** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order &quot;Nelson confides,&quot; which was changed to &quot;England expects.&quot; See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370.
* You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''.

* What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior.
** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141.

* A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning.
** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the &quot;war in our cities&quot;.

* I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.
** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14.

* A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;&lt;br&gt;There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears.
** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

[[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
== O ==
[[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

* We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002).

* I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars.
**[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004)

*That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. 
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002)

* '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. 
**[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009)

* '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015)

* War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such.
**[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&amp;pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3.

* '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016)

*War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, &amp; working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020)

* March to the battle-field,&lt;br&gt;  The foe is now before us;&lt;br&gt;Each heart is Freedom's shield,&lt;br&gt;  And heaven is shining o'er us.
** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''.
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]]
 
[[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.    ~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]]

*War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word &quot;war&quot;, therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]

*In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... 
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III.

* There is a hill in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;  Heaped with a thousand slain,&lt;br&gt;Where the shells fly night and noontide&lt;br&gt;  And the ghosts that died in vain,&lt;br&gt;A little hill, a hard hill&lt;br&gt;  To the souls that died in pain.
** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915).

== P ==
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Palafox&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Kirby Page&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]]
[[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]]

[[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]]
* Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts.
** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000)

* In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]&quot; (1924).

* Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008)

* Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War even to the knife.
** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted &quot;At the point of the knife&quot;.

* Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green.

* Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him.
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294

* War is organised murder, and nothing else.
** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]).

* Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933).

* ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange &lt;br&gt; If we accept them we will never win.''
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of &quot;Absolute War&quot; a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492.

* ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving &lt;br&gt; Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory &lt;br&gt; You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. &lt;br&gt;  Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. &lt;br&gt; Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, &lt;br&gt; Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of &quot;Absolute War&quot;, as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492.

* Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''.

* Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3

*But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''.

*War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}}

* [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas.
** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919.

* Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See &quot;Literary Digest History of World War,&quot; Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918.

* ''Ils ne passeront pas.''
** They shall not pass.
*** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: &quot;They (the Germans) must not pass.&quot; General Pétain said: &quot;They shall not pass.&quot; In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917.

*The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them.
**[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times''  November 15th, 2021

* γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.&lt;br/&gt;πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς.
* '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, &lt;br/&gt;but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.'''
** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377.
*** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb &quot;''Dulce bellum inexpertis''&quot; which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]].
*** Variant translations:
:::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.'''
:::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it
:::* War is sweet to those who do not know it.
:::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it.
:::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

* From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],&lt;br&gt;Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.&lt;br&gt;Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;&lt;br&gt;And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,&lt;br&gt;Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,&lt;br&gt;And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.&lt;br&gt;Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past&lt;br&gt;His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.&lt;br&gt;On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.&lt;br&gt;Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine.
** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista.

*As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers.
**[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)'']    (16 January 2019)

* If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777).

*When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
**[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e.

* The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are.
** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b.

* He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27.

* Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456.

* It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them.
** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) 
**[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole  ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,]  (21 April 2019)  

* She saw her sons with purple death expire,&lt;br&gt;Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,&lt;br&gt;A dreadful series of intestine wars,&lt;br&gt;Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323.

*War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army.
**Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook

* Porter states that &quot;the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists.&quot;
** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli &amp; Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997).  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21

* When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto.
**[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''.

* The waves&lt;br&gt;Of the mysterious death-river moaned;&lt;br&gt;The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar&lt;br&gt;Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry&lt;br&gt;Of myriad victims, filled the air.
** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16.

* A man is known by the Company he joins.&lt;br&gt;Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.&lt;br&gt;Never look a gift gun in the mouth.&lt;br&gt;A drop of oil in time saves time.&lt;br&gt;One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.&lt;br&gt;Where there's a war there's a way.
** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917.

* In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for &quot;aggressive&quot; chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too &quot;complex&quot; and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. 
** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&amp;pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89.

* Everyone loses in war. But some lose more than others.
** Charles Lachlan Podesta &amp; Sun Dawei, James Ruse Agricultural Institution, 2022.

* I haven't always been a teacher - Life goes on.
** Dr Farag P, St George Bank CEO - Australian NSW Senator Ranked, 2022.

* No Worries, 9-11 is the code, don't fall asleep
** Shiv, Graduate of Edgoverigian University and Professor of the prestigious University of Harvard

== Q ==
* If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must.
** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), &quot;Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must.&quot;

*Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum.
** (Slaughter) means blood and iron.
** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''.

== R ==
[[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]

* ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.''
** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with &quot;golden&quot; bridge for &quot;silver.&quot; The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64.

* Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none!
** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204

* I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no.
** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941.

* '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984).

* A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. &lt;br&gt; Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed.
** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”].

* I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight.
** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012)

* War on the cheap is always a rotten policy.
** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009.

* From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31.

* [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230.

* Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. 

* People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], &quot;The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)&quot;, (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1.

* And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon.
** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles.

* Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
**  Revelation 6:1-2

* Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,&lt;br&gt;  The wine was red as blood.&lt;br&gt;Cried one, &quot;How long then must we wait&lt;br&gt;Ere we shall thunder at the gate,&lt;br&gt;  And crush the cursed brood?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Twelve men of iron, drinking late,&lt;br&gt;Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:&lt;br&gt;* &quot;The Day!&quot;
** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''.

* When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...]  The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] &quot;'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''&quot; This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider &quot;Thou shalt not kill&quot; and &quot;As ye sow, so shall ye reap&quot;. Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' 
** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006).

* The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]].
** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 &quot;Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine&quot;] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018.

* If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support.
** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63.

* The morning came, there stood the foe;&lt;br&gt;  Stark eyed them as they stood;&lt;br&gt;Few words he spoke—'twas not a time&lt;br&gt;  For moralizing mood:&lt;br&gt;&quot;See there the enemy, my boys!&lt;br&gt;  Now, strong in valor's might,&lt;br&gt;Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep&lt;br&gt;  In widowhood to-night.&quot;
** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''.

*Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !&lt;br&gt;The red-cross squadrons madly rage,&lt;br&gt; And mow thro' infancy and age...
**[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786).

* I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: &quot;The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure&quot;. Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743.

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on.
** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.

* Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive.
** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in &quot;The Nazis: A Warning from History&quot;, Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in &quot;The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership&quot; - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999.

* And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517.

* To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: &quot;We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord.&quot;
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June.

* Righteous Heaven,&lt;br&gt;In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor&lt;br&gt;And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,&lt;br&gt;For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,&lt;br&gt;Would plunge his native land in civil wars.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198.

* War, the needy bankrupt's last resort.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343.

* War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others.
* When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense.
* [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability.
:* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&amp;context=jclc &quot;Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States&quot;], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940.

*Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory.
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)   

*To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)       
 
* He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.
** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V.

* It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet.
** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq

* '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine].

* Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did.
** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8

* '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.'''
** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78&lt;!--79--&gt;

* [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel.
** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of &quot;the thin red line&quot; claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191.

== S ==
[[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. &quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot; ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]]
[[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]]

* I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''&quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot;'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war.
** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007).

* Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;The People, Yes&quot;, ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464.

*Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution.   One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. 
**[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002)

* Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. 
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. &lt;br&gt; They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]].
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4

* Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following.
** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI &quot;Blinded in Chains&quot;] (2005), ''City of Evil''

* Only the dead have seen the end of war.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm].

* '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.'''
** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918)

* The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal.
** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41

*Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;&lt;br&gt;Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.''
** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies.
** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!&lt;br&gt;  It was a slaughter rather than a battle.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50.

* Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten&lt;br&gt;Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten.
** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140.

* War is not healthy for children and other living things.
** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection].

* ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.''
** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it.
** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16.

* One blast upon his bugle horn&lt;br&gt;  Were worth a thousand men.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18.

* In the lost battle,&lt;br&gt;  Borne down by the flying,&lt;br&gt;Where mingles war's rattle&lt;br&gt;  With groans of the dying.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11.

* &quot;Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!&quot;&lt;br&gt;Were the last words of Marmion.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32.

* Still from the sire the son shall hear&lt;br&gt;Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,&lt;br&gt;  Of Flodden's fatal field,&lt;br&gt;When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,&lt;br&gt;  And broken was her shield!
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34.

* There was a stately drama writ&lt;br&gt;  By the hand that peopled the earth and air,&lt;br&gt;And set the stars in the infinite,&lt;br&gt;  And made night gorgeous and morning fair;&lt;br&gt;And all that had sense to reason knew&lt;br&gt;That bloody drama must be gone through.&lt;br&gt;Some sat and watched how the action veered—&lt;br&gt;Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—&lt;br&gt;We saw not clearly nor understood,&lt;br&gt;  But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,&lt;br&gt;Each in his part as best he could,&lt;br&gt;  We played it through as the author planned.
** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''.

* Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968)

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York&quot;], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4

* Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions.
** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202.

* It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858.

* They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]].
** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;, (February 16, 1993).

* There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They shall not pass, tho' battleline&lt;br&gt;May bend, and foe with foe combine,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' death rain on them from the sky&lt;br&gt;  Till every fighting man shall die,&lt;br&gt;France shall not yield to German Rhine.
** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg.

* Hold the Fort! I am coming.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is hell.
** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: &quot;War is Hell.&quot; See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71.

* I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864)

* '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.'''
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia.

* I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell!
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek  ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933).

* '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.'''
** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17.

* ''J'ai vécu.''
** I existed.
** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81.

* '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.'''
** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850).

* Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,&lt;br&gt;  But ah! what found she there?&lt;br&gt;The little streams were running red,&lt;br&gt;  And the torn fields were bare;&lt;br&gt;And all about the ruined towers&lt;br&gt;  Where once her king was crowned,&lt;br&gt;The hurtling ploughs of war and death&lt;br&gt;  Had scored the desolate ground.
** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself.
** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434.

* Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is.
** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8.

* Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war!
** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}.

* I came, I saw, God overcame.
** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards.

* The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately.
** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger &quot;As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power&quot;] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020)

* A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77

* War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945)

* War was a kind of poverty with bullets.
** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327

* A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39

* [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War''

*[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
**[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War'']

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

* Terrible as an army with banners.
** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10.

* Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it).
** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Then more fierce&lt;br&gt;The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell&lt;br&gt;Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,&lt;br&gt;The groan of death, commingled in one sound&lt;br&gt;Of undistinguish'd horrors.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV.

* War! war! war!&lt;br&gt;Heaven aid the right!&lt;br&gt;God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!&lt;br&gt;God send the women sleep in the long, long night,&lt;br&gt;  When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII.

* The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI.

* But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,&lt;br&gt;  Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;&lt;br&gt;And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,&lt;br&gt;  May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:&lt;br&gt;* And Old Brown,&lt;br&gt;* Osawatomie Brown,&lt;br&gt;May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859.

* '''Never run against a war hero.'''
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html &quot;History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson&quot; by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)].

*In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.&lt;BR&gt; In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

* Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears&lt;br&gt;Waste of youth's most precious years,&lt;br&gt;Waste of ways the saints have trod,&lt;br&gt;Waste of Glory, waste of God,&lt;br&gt;War!
** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919)

* When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed.
** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Hobbes clearly proves that every creature&lt;br&gt;Lives in a state of war by nature.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, that mad game the world so loves to play.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron&lt;br&gt;Shall a nation be moulded to last.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''.

* War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed.
** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67

== T ==
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Tacitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes.
** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20.

* Deos fortioribus adesse.
** The gods are on the side of the stronger.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17.

* We can start at once. We made preparations on the way.
** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: &quot;When will you be ready?&quot; (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims.

* [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920).

* A little more grape, Captain Bragg.
** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The children born of thee are sword and fire,&lt;br&gt;Red ruin, and the breaking up of law.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423.

* It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt.
** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy).

* Half a league, half a league,&lt;br&gt;  Half a league onward,&lt;br&gt;All in the valley of Death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Forward the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;  Charge for the guns!&quot; he said,&lt;br&gt;Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1.

* Forward, the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;Was there a man dismayed?&lt;br&gt;  Not tho' the soldier knew&lt;br&gt;    Some one had blunder'd.&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to make reply,&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to reason why,&lt;br&gt;Theirs but to do and die.&lt;br&gt; Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2.

* Cannon to right of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon to left of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon in front of them&lt;br&gt;    Volley'd and thunder'd;&lt;br&gt;Stormed at with shot and shell,&lt;br&gt;Boldly they rode and well,&lt;br&gt;  Into the jaws of Death,&lt;br&gt;Into the mouth of Hell&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. &quot;Jaws of death&quot; used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4.

* ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.''
** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms.

* Ten good soldiers, wisely led,&lt;br&gt;Will beat a hundred without a head.
** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks.  … &quot;[[Winston Churchill]] said &quot;The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]].&quot; Churchill also said &quot;In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]].&quot; &lt;br&gt; That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted &quot;Dis-information.&quot; That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], &quot;When War Drums Roll&quot; (17 September 2001)

*Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar.
**[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* But what most showed the vanity of life&lt;br&gt;Was to behold the nations all on fire.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55.

* We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]])  had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer.
**[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,'']  (22 November 2018)

* Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war.
** [[Thucydides]], &quot;The Funeral Speech&quot;, ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39.

* &quot;Victory after all, I suppose!&quot; he said, feeling his aching head. &quot;Well, it seems a very gloomy business.&quot;
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''.
*War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings''

* A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482.

* War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men!
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74.

* God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76.

* The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie...
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375.

* '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. &lt;br /&gt; While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. &lt;br /&gt; Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. &lt;br /&gt; As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. &lt;br /&gt; '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)]

*On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. 
**[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008)

* Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for &quot;the universal brotherhood of man&quot; — with his mouth.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''.

* When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&quot;O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen&quot;.
** [[Mark Twain]], &quot;The War Prayer&quot; (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98.

== V ==
* With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantiﬁed was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap.
** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94

* This is the soldier brave enough to tell&lt;br&gt;The glory-dazzled world that &quot;war is hell.&quot;
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives.
** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all &quot;HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era&quot;] (1995), ''The New York Times''

* '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder.  It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all.  We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake.
** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria?  From  ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with  Russia  and  China  in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]],  [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran]  (3 January 2020)

* ''Arma virumque cano.''
** Arms and the man I sing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1.

* … I saw these terrible things,&lt;br&gt;and took great part in them.
** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi&lt;br&gt;et quorum pars magna fui).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: &quot;All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was&quot;. Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy.

* ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.''
** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354.

* ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?''
** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor?
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390.

* ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.''
** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754.

* ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.''
** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461.

* ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.''
** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104.

* ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.''
** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington.

== W ==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
**[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals &amp; Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106.

* On to Richmond.
** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign.

* A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778

* To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace.
** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790.

* They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834.

* Up Guards and at 'em!
** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. &quot;What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack.&quot; See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington.

* Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.
** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton.
** Attributed to Wellington. &quot;The battle of Waterloo was won here,&quot; was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.).

* ''The War That Will End War''.
** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase &quot;The war to end war&quot; is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: &quot;This war, like the next war, is a war to end war&quot;. See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase.

* A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40.

*'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''.
:* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1

* The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill.
** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.'''
** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936).

* [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields.
** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017).

* This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,&lt;br&gt;Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;&lt;br&gt;Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,&lt;br&gt;They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton.
** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! &lt;br&gt; There's got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; What is it good for? &lt;br&gt; War has caused unrest &lt;br&gt; Among the younger generation &lt;br&gt; Induction then destruction &lt;br&gt; Who wants to die? &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War-I despise &lt;br&gt; Because it means destruction &lt;br&gt; Of innocent lives &lt;br&gt; War means tears &lt;br&gt; To thousands of mothers how &lt;br&gt; When their sons go off to fight &lt;br&gt; And lose their lives &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; It's an enemy of all mankind &lt;br&gt; No point of war &lt;br&gt; Because you're a man &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War has shattered &lt;br&gt; Many young men's dreams &lt;br&gt; We've got no place for it today &lt;br&gt; They say we must fight to keep our freedom &lt;br&gt; But Lord, there's just got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; '''Friend only to the undertaker'''''
** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969)
** ''Life is much to short and precious &lt;br&gt; To spend fighting wars these days &lt;br&gt; War can't give life &lt;br&gt; It can only take it away &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; War, friend only to the undertaker &lt;br&gt; Peace, love and understanding &lt;br&gt; Tell me, is there no place for them today.''
*** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War &amp; Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War &amp; Peace]]''. (1970)

* Now we remember over here in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)&lt;br&gt;  This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.&lt;br&gt;We never thought about You much in England,&lt;br&gt;But now that we are far away from England&lt;br&gt;  We have no doubts, we know that You are here.
** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916.

* We seemed to see our flag unfurled,&lt;br&gt;  Our champion waiting in his place&lt;br&gt;For the last battle of the world,&lt;br&gt;  The Armageddon of the race.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke).
** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, &quot;Civis romanus sum,&quot; hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, &quot;I am a German citizen.&quot;
** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every bullet has its billet.
** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!&lt;br&gt;Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there!
** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907.

* War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914.

* You have laid upon me this double obligation: &quot;we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained.&quot;
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916.

* It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917.

* In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art.
** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''.

* They came with banner, spear, and shield;&lt;br&gt;And it was proved in Bosworth field,&lt;br&gt;Not long the Avenger was withstood—&lt;br&gt;Earth help'd him with the cry of blood.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* But Thy most dreaded instrument&lt;br&gt;In working out a pure intent,&lt;br&gt;Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—&lt;br&gt;Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. &quot;But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail.&quot; Version in later editions.

* Everyone loses in war, even the winners.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2

* War is murder, king-sized.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius”

== Z ==

* As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp.
** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606.

*The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself.
**[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]]  in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/  ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,'']  (15 August 2018) 

*One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]]  (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that &quot;these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence.&quot; The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... 
**[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf  ''A People's History of the United States'',&lt;small&gt;(Full text online)&lt;/small&gt;] (1980) p. 402

* Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?
** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'',  “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)
 
*America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.)
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

== Unknown authorship ==

* War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, &quot;… entrusted to generals&quot;.

* Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&amp;redir_esc=y 1915])

* It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. 
** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia''

==War quotations in fiction==

[[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]]
* Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].
:* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975).

* There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving.
**[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor

* Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]].

* '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.&lt;br&gt;'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great.
** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980).

* What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume.
** [[George Lucas]]  [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005.

* Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul.
** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''.

* Property, the whole thing's about property.
** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''.

* There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand.
** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''.

* War makes thieves of many honest folk.
** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I)

* Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''.

* &quot;When I go home, people ask me: &quot;Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?&quot;, I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is.&quot;
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''.

* With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.
** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''.

* I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called &quot;possession of my soul.&quot; There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.
** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''.

* If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''.

* A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.
** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''.

[[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]]
* We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]]

*'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war!
* [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', &quot;[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]&quot;, ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942).

* In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings.
** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land.
** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''.

* You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.
** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''.

* And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]?
** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War

* The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''.

==See also==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Disarmament]]
* [[Just war theory]]
* [[Martial arts]]
* [[Military]]
*[[Military-industrial complex]]
* [[Nuclear war]]
* [[Pacifism]]
* [[Peace]]
*[[The Pentagon]]
* [[Soldiers]]
*[[Violence]]
* [[War and peace]]
*[[War crimes]]
* [[Weapons]]
*[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]]
* [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]]
* [[:Category:Wars and battles]]
{{Social and political philosophy}}

==External links==
* [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]]
*[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]]
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|war}}
{{wikisource portal|Wars}}
{{Commons}}

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      <text bytes="329164" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]]
[[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]]  ]]
[[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]]

'''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}}
== A ==
* It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war.
** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863).

*  My voice is still for war.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1.

* They sent forth men to battle,&lt;br&gt;But no such men return;&lt;br&gt;And home, to claim their welcome,&lt;br&gt;Come ashes in an urn.
** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: &quot;Thinkability&quot;

* There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second.
** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)].

*A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]].
**[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980)

* We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967)

* And by a prudent flight and cunning save&lt;br&gt;A life, which valour could not, from the grave.&lt;br&gt;A better buckler I can soon regain;&lt;br&gt;But who can get another life again?
** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''.

* Let who will boast their courage in the field,&lt;br&gt;I find but little safety from my shield.&lt;br&gt;Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:&lt;br&gt;This made me cast my useless shield away.
** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe.
** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* This is war. '''Have you heard about &quot;good war&quot;? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

*If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. 
**[[Julian Assange]], quoted in  [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,]  October 22, 2021

== B ==
[[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.&lt;br&gt; ~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]]

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]
[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]]                            
[[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]]

*Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades.  And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?  I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*We’ve been a nation too long at war.  If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. 
**[[Joe Biden]],  [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)]  

*War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless.
**[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936)  p. 180   

*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

* Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]].
** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii

* The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: &quot;Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now.&quot;
** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''.

* [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]].
** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately.

* I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it.
** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987)

*The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in &quot;colossal danger&quot; due to the threat from nuclear weapons.  In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed.
** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019).

* All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say&lt;br&gt;  Except now and then a stray picket&lt;br&gt;Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,&lt;br&gt;  By a rifleman hid in the thicket.
** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt; Arm! Advance!&lt;br&gt; Hope of France!&lt;br&gt;Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!&lt;br&gt;Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks!
** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation.

* Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war.
** [[Wendell Berry]], &quot;A Statement against the War in Vietnam&quot;, ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969)

* The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I.

* Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. &quot;World power or downfall&quot; will be our rallying cry.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII.

* We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword.
** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII.

* Just for a word—&quot;[[neutrality]],&quot; a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her.
** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914.

* War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv.

* ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.''
** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is &quot;The Eastern Question is not worth,&quot; etc.

* ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.''
** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel.

* ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.''
** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne.
*** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859).

* [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron.
** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''.

* War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland.
** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996).

* No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973).

* Generals gathered in their masses&lt;br&gt; just like witches at black masses.&lt;br&gt; Evil minds that plot destruction,&lt;br&gt; sorcerer of death's construction.
** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]]

* What a place to plunder!
** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: &quot;The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty.&quot; The German quoted would be correctly translated &quot;what rubbish!&quot; Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated.

* War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided.
** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''.

* War will make corpses of us all.
** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* It is magnificent, but it is not war.
** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&amp;nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&amp;nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]].
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

*War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution.
**[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of &quot;[[s:The State|The State]]&quot; (1918).

* Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].
** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113

* Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war.
** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article &quot;Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast&quot; by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07.

* [[Politics]] is the domestication of war.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Yo-Yo Boing!&quot;.

*What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].&quot;
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;United States of Banana&quot;.

* My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers.
**[[Giannina Braschi]] in &quot;Empire of Dreams&quot;.

* [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''.

* Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war.
** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in &quot;Harvest of Seasons&quot; of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']]

* War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts
** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22

* The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54.

* In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future.
** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation.

* Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;&lt;br&gt; Leave in its track the toiling plough;&lt;br&gt;The rifle and the bayonet-blade&lt;br&gt; For arms like yours were fitter now;&lt;br&gt;And let the hands that ply the pen&lt;br&gt; Quit the light task, and learn to wield&lt;br&gt;The horseman's crooked brand, and rein&lt;br&gt; The charger on the battle-field.
** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack.
** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918.

* The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called &quot;The General of No Retreat.&quot; See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* You are there, stay there.
** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial).

* I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace&quot;, letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283.

* This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers.
** [[William S. Burroughs]], &quot;The War Universe&quot;, taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)].

* Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;&lt;br&gt;Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,&lt;br&gt;Welcome to your gory bed,&lt;br&gt;  Or to victory!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''.

* But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of &quot;divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind,&quot; adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, &quot;and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it.&quot;
** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621).

* ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.''
** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones.
*** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''.

* In all the trade of war, no feat&lt;br&gt;Is nobler than a brave retreat.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607.

* For those that run away, and fly,&lt;br&gt;Take place at least o' th' enemy.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609.

* Bloody wars at first began,&lt;br&gt;The artificial plague of man,&lt;br&gt;That from his own invention rise,&lt;br&gt;To scourge his own iniquities.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105.

* War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
* A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small &quot;inside&quot; group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23.

* A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
* Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. 
** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40.

* O proud was our army that morning&lt;br&gt; That stood where the pine darkly towers,&lt;br&gt;When Sherman said—&quot;Boys, you are weary,&lt;br&gt; This day fair Savannah is ours.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Then sang we a song for our chieftain&lt;br&gt; That echoed o'er river and lea,&lt;br&gt;And the stars on our banner shone brighter&lt;br&gt; When Sherman marched down to the sea.
** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Hand to hand, and foot to foot:&lt;br&gt;Nothing there, save death, was mute;&lt;br&gt;Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry&lt;br&gt;For quarter or for victory,&lt;br&gt;Mingle there with the volleying thunder.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24.

* War, war is still the cry, &quot;War even to the knife!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86.

* And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,&lt;br&gt;  The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,&lt;br&gt;Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,&lt;br&gt;  And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;&lt;br&gt;  And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar&lt;br&gt;And near; the beat of the alarming drum&lt;br&gt;  Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;&lt;br&gt;While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,&lt;br&gt;Or whispering with white lips—&quot;The foe! they come! they come!&quot;
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25.

* Battle's magnificently stern array!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28.

* The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,&lt;br&gt;And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

* Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,&lt;br&gt;That host with their banners at sunset were seen;&lt;br&gt;Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,&lt;br&gt;That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815).

== C ==
[[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Cicero]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] 
[[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]]
[[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html  William Crandell  in  ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]]

* ''Veni, vidi, vici.''
** I came, I saw, I conquered.
** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, &quot;non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam.&quot; Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, &quot;Ueni, uidi, uici.&quot; Never shall insolent barbarian say &quot;I came, I saw, I conquered.&quot; Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653).

* ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.''
** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes.
** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21.

* War is the answer if you're questioning the general.
**[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo &quot;Army Gunz&quot;] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records

*I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)
 
* War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes.
** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997)

* The combat deepens. On, ye brave,&lt;br&gt;Who rush to glory, or the grave!&lt;br&gt;Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,&lt;br&gt;  And charge with all thy chivalry.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.''
** The guard dies but does not surrender.
*** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, &amp; Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''.

* '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other.
**[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, &quot;Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty&quot;, chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911).

* There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word &quot;Fire!&quot; is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands...
**[[Thomas Carlyle]] in &quot;Sartor Resartus&quot;, quoted in &quot;In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign&quot; by Leon Wolff (1958).

* O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,&lt;br&gt; How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte&lt;br&gt;In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,&lt;br&gt; Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte.
** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''.

* Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men.
** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938

* The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble.
** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249.

* To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as &quot;It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'&quot; in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as &quot;To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war&quot; on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has &quot;better to talk jaw to jaw than have war&quot;, and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, &quot;It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war&quot;.

* Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news
 | first = Leonard
 | last = Fein
 | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/
 | title = This Time It's Our War
 | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]]
 | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]]
 | accessdate = 2007-01-13
}}

*  ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.''
** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.
*** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library]

* ''Silent enim leges inter arma.''
** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war.
** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''.
** Variant translations:
*** In a time of war, the law falls silent.
*** Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

* Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.
** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22.

* Silent leges inter arma.
** The law is silent during war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV.

* Pro aris et focis.
** For your altars and your fires.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this.

* Nervi belli pecunia infinita.
** Endless money forms the sinews of war.
** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. (&quot;Corn&quot; for &quot;money&quot;).

* There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war.
** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999).

* We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die.
**[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,&lt;br&gt;Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.
** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833.

* War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833.

* War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''.
** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833.

* War is fought by human beings.
** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833.

* [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars.
** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986)  [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)]

* We made war to the end—to the very end of the end.
** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918).

* ''War is not the answer &lt;br&gt; For only love can conquer hate &lt;br&gt; You know we've got to find a way &lt;br&gt; To bring some lovin' here today''
** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971)

* I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html &quot;In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation&quot;], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]]

* What voice did on my spirit fall,&lt;br&gt;  Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?&lt;br&gt;  &quot;'Tis better to have fought and lost,&lt;br&gt;Than never to have fought at all.&quot;
** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], &quot;Peschiera&quot;. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure.
** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, &quot;Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons&quot;, Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115.

* War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob.
** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243.

* [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, &quot;while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows...&quot; At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.&lt;br /&gt;At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, &quot;and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat.&quot;
** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174.

* The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world.
** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813).

* But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,&lt;br&gt;Kings would not play at.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187.

* Hence jarring sectaries may learn&lt;br&gt;Their real interest to discern;&lt;br&gt;That brother should not war with brother,&lt;br&gt;And worry and devour each other.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
[[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]].  ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]]
[[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]]

[[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]]  ]]

* [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders.
** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847.

* We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it.
** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812).

* There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists.
** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5).

* War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

== D ==
[[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;J. Davidson&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.'''
** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy.

* From fear in every guise,&lt;br&gt; From sloth, from love of pelf,&lt;br&gt;By war's great sacrifice&lt;br&gt; The world redeems itself.
**  [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. &lt;br&gt; They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. &lt;br&gt; And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. &lt;br&gt; Yours not to reason why;&lt;br&gt;Yours but to do and die. &lt;br&gt; That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. &lt;br&gt; If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''.
** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972).

*The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan.
**[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like  ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019)

* ''Di qui non si passa.''
** By here they shall not pass.
***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano.
* ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.''
** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle.

* What argufies pride and ambition?&lt;br&gt; Soon or late death will take us in tow:&lt;br&gt;Each bullet has got its commission,&lt;br&gt; And when our time's come we must go.
** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves.
** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280.

* A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855).

* Carry his body hence,—&lt;br&gt;Kings must have slaves;&lt;br&gt;Kings climb to eminence&lt;br&gt;Over men's graves:&lt;br&gt;So this man's eye is dim;—&lt;br&gt;Throw the earth over him.
** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], &quot;Before Sedan&quot;, line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King &amp; Co., 1873), p. 56.

*We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* All delays are dangerous in war.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, he sung, is toil and trouble;&lt;br&gt;Honour but an empty bubble.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99.
*At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,&lt;br /&gt;The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end.
**[[Du Fu]], Tang poet
* When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''.

* 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles.
** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920).

*'&lt;b&gt;A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.&lt;/b&gt; Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &amp;mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.'
**[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, &lt;i&gt;Stormrider&lt;/i&gt;]] (Ch. 15)

== E ==
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* There is no discharge in that war.
** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Moral Decay&quot; (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950)

* I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15.

* Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, &quot;Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world.&quot; She answered, &quot;O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it.&quot;
**[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499].

* As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in &quot;Einstein on the Atomic Bomb,&quot; part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&amp;pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945])

* '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173.

* '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931).
** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.'''

* '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels.

* '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]]

* All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address.

* '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.'''
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)]

*I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now.
**{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}}

* By the rude bridge that arched the flood,&lt;br&gt;  Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;&lt;br&gt;Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,&lt;br&gt;  And fired the shot heard round the world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.'''
** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508)

* Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate.
** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722.

== F ==
[[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.'''
** Elma &quot;Pen&quot; Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html &quot;Philo Taylor Farnsworth&quot;, ''Brigham Young University Highschool''].

* It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war...
** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}}

* Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination.
** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916).

* O great corrector of enormous times,&lt;br&gt;Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider&lt;br&gt;Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood&lt;br&gt;The earth when it is sick, and curest the world&lt;br&gt;O' the pleurisy of people.
** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1.

* Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both.
** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302.

* My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions.
** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]].

* Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. &quot;No reserves.&quot; No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup!
** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919).

* I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine.
** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919).

* Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.&lt;br&gt;There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;&lt;br&gt;  Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home.
** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War.

* '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.'''
** [[Gerald Ford]],  Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25.

* War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*Expect no quarter.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell.

*This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''.
**[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''.

*The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914.

* It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war.
**[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007.

*'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do.  It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights.
**[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath  ''Critical Path''] (1981)

== G ==
[[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Your flaming torch aloft we bear,&lt;br&gt;With burning heart an oath we swear&lt;br&gt;To keep the faith, to fight it through,&lt;br&gt;To crush the foe or sleep with you&lt;br&gt;  In Flanders' fields.
** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields.

* The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down.
** As quoted in &quot;The First and the Last,&quot; 1954.

* What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142

* You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers.
** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27

* When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,&lt;br&gt;These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.&lt;br&gt;Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:&lt;br&gt;Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity.
** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,&lt;br&gt;That every bullet hath a lighting place.
** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men.
** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815.
*I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''.
**Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com]

* [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater speciﬁcity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]].
** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96.

* The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].&lt;br&gt; Christ: the principle of love.&lt;br&gt; Marx: the principle of hate.
** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. &lt;br&gt; Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. &lt;br&gt; Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.&lt;br&gt;''

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

* Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over.
** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''.

* Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,&lt;br&gt;  Once more from roaring cannon and the drums&lt;br&gt;  And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;&lt;br&gt;Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:&lt;br&gt;  Once more your Captain calls to you;&lt;br&gt;  Come to his last review!
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''.

* An attitude not only of defence, but defiance.
** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. &quot;Defence not defiance&quot; became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859).

* '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.&lt;br&gt; ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. &lt;br&gt;''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.'''
** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)]

* O, send Lewis Gordon hame&lt;br&gt;And the lad I maune name,&lt;br&gt;Though his back be at the wa'&lt;br&gt;Here's to him that's far awa'.&lt;br&gt;O, hon! my Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;O, my bonny Highlandman,&lt;br&gt;Weel would I my true love ken&lt;br&gt;Among ten thousand Highlandmen.
** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''.

* '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239.

* No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862.

* For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12.

* '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27.

* '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]].
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in &quot;International [[Arbitration]]&quot; by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180.

* '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].'''
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67.

*'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,&lt;br&gt;War was foundering of sublimities,&lt;br&gt;Extinction of each happy art and faith&lt;br&gt;By which the world had still kept head in air'''.
** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War,&quot; lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938).

* The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]].
** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as &quot;the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey&quot;.

* We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. 
** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in &quot;Sword Point&quot; - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988.

* ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.''
** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose.
*** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540).

== H ==
[[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account.
** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&amp;pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}}

*War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise...
**[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005)

* The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war.
** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412

* '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.'''
** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, &lt;small&gt;  {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Yes; quaint and curious war is!&lt;br&gt;  You shoot a fellow down&lt;br&gt;You'd treat if met where any bar is,&lt;br&gt;  Or help to half-a-crown.
** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They were left in the lurch&lt;br&gt;For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;With his arms full of hymnbooks …&lt;br&gt;Rang his voice, &quot;Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts.&quot;
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''.

* An hour ago, a Star was falling.&lt;br&gt;A star? There's nothing strange in that.&lt;br&gt;  No, nothing; but above the thicket,&lt;br&gt;Somehow it seemed to me that God&lt;br&gt;  Somewhere had just relieved a picket.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''.

* Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,&lt;br&gt;  And of armèd men the hum;&lt;br&gt;Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered&lt;br&gt;  Round the quick alarming drum—&lt;br&gt;   Saying, Come,&lt;br&gt;   Freemen, Come!&lt;br&gt;Ere your heritage be wasted,&lt;br&gt;  Said the quick alarming drum.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''.

* Let the only walls the foe shall scale&lt;br&gt;  Be ramparts of the dead!
** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* My men never retire. They go forward or they die.
** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him.
* Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war.
**[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002)

* The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]].
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths]  (11 June 2005)

* Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at.
**[[Chris Hedges]],   [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&amp;t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021

* Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation.
** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116.

* The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force.
**[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

* Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139.  &quot;While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information&quot; there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry &quot;when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties&quot;. Wirt collected information from &quot;intelligent and reliable&quot; auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. &quot;Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period&quot;, the fact that the speech conforms to others in &quot;oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments&quot; from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. &quot;Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history&quot;. Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. &quot;I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817&quot;. Carroll A. Wilson, &quot;Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log&quot;, ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204.

* '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]]

* Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there.
** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]&lt;/center&gt;
*# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.'''
*# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889])
*#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: &quot;And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc.&quot;
*#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43.
*#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B).
*#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz.
*#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.''
*# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]]
*# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943)
* Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα.
*# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.'''
*# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889])
*#: &quot;The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources:
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682.
*#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.''
*#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586.&quot;

* Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &amp;#91;Christian&amp;#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God.
** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition''

* Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,&lt;br&gt;  Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;&lt;br&gt;Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember&lt;br&gt;  Who was our friend when the world was our foe.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful.

*When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought.
** William Holt    https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt

* I war not with the dead.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte.

*   Take thou thy arms and come with me,&lt;br&gt;For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive&lt;br&gt;To aid our cause, although we be but two.&lt;br&gt;Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,&lt;br&gt;And we can combat even with the brave.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation.

* The chance of war&lt;br&gt;Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation.

* It is not right to exult over slain men.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41).

* So ends the bloody business of the day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation

* Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166.

* Nimirum hic ego sum.
** Here indeed I am; this is my position.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42

* Postquam Discordia tetra&lt;br&gt;Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit.
** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,&lt;br&gt;  And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius.

* Ye who made war that your ships&lt;br&gt;  Should lay to at the beck of no nation,&lt;br&gt;Make war now on Murder, that slips&lt;br&gt;  The leash of her hounds of damnation;&lt;br&gt;Ye who remembered the Alamo,&lt;br&gt;Remember the Maine!
** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''.

**We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided.
**[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9

* Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:&lt;br&gt;He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:&lt;br&gt;He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:&lt;br&gt;      His truth is marching on.
** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''.

* ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.''
** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet.
** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet.

* Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''.

* The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver).
** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649).

* Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces.
**Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime  ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018)

* The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''.

*If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet...  My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]].
**[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world  '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018)

* All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], in &quot;Pacifism and Philosophy&quot; (1936).

== I ==
* Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.]
** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35.

* I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.
** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945).

* Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
** [[Isaiah]], 2:4.

== J ==
[[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]]
[[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]]
[[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet!
** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21.

*When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War.  Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.&lt;BR&gt; And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]].  So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''.  I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons...
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

*What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].'''  So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017..   So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''.
**[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’  CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]],  February 17, 2021

* You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic.
** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]]

* YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. &lt;br&gt; For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress.
**[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation]

* He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off.
** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today.
** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
: “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God!
:* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&amp;p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12]

*How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: &quot;The first casualty when war comes is truth&quot;, attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”.
**[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail]   (March 10, 2016)

* I have prayed in her fields of poppies,&lt;br&gt;  I have laughed with the men who died—&lt;br&gt;But in all my ways and through all my days&lt;br&gt;  Like a friend He walked beside.&lt;br&gt;I have seen a sight under Heaven&lt;br&gt;  That only God understands,&lt;br&gt;In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there&lt;br&gt;  With the Sword of God in His hand.
** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for.
** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009).

* Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy].
** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson]

*A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism.
**[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775).

* The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.
** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The people arose as one man.
** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one.
** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &amp;ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&amp;rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007.

* In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high.
** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920)

== K ==
[[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

*(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all.
**[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004.

* Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81

* All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically.
** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm &quot;Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View&quot;] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis''

* By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''.

* [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed.&quot;
** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36.

* 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. 
** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012.

* [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction.
** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html &quot;Strike Against War&quot;, speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)].

* Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves.
** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940).

* Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]].
** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88

* Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)]

* Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results.
**[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in &quot;George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq&quot; at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)

* War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 &quot;On Language&quot; article &quot;Warrior&quot; in the New York Times rubric Magazines.]

* For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet.
** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston &amp; New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}}

* '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. &quot;Pursue peace,&quot; the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]&lt;!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --&gt;

* And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 &quot;Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis&quot; (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]].

* Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind
** [[John F. Kennedy]],  Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961).
* The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222

* Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' 
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) 

[[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.  A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead.  For they  would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors.  ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]]

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963)  

* '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], &quot;the survivors would envy the dead.&quot; For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty],  (26 July 1963) 

* It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary.
** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem

* O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation.
**[[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot; (1814).

* The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''&quot;theory of competitive control.&quot;''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population.
** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013.

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''.

* War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding.
** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692

* Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact.
** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. &quot;The spruce beauty of the slender red line.&quot; Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6.

* For heathen heart that puts her trust&lt;br&gt;  In reeking tube and iron shard—&lt;br&gt;All valiant dust that builds on dust,&lt;br&gt;  And guarding calls not Thee to guard—&lt;br&gt;For frantic boast and foolish word,&lt;br&gt;Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Four things greater than all things are,—&lt;br&gt;Women and Horses and Power and War.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890).

* For agony and spoil&lt;br&gt;  Of nations beat to dust,&lt;br&gt;For poisoned air and tortured soil&lt;br&gt;  And cold, commanded lust,&lt;br&gt;And every secret woe&lt;br&gt;  The shuddering waters saw—&lt;br&gt;Willed and fulfilled by high and low—&lt;br&gt;  Let them relearn the Law.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918).

* But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:&lt;br /&gt;Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, &quot;brainy capitalists&quot; and other elegant and eminent &quot;very best people.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, hardly.&lt;br /&gt;Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.&lt;br /&gt;Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:&lt;br /&gt;If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.&lt;br /&gt;We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.&lt;br /&gt;Let those who want &quot;great victories&quot; ''go to the firing line and get them''.&lt;br /&gt;If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.&lt;br /&gt;&quot;What is war?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;They say &quot;War is Hell.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell.
** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28

* You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King.
** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.&lt;br&gt; Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.”  Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp,  Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

* War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course.
** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274.
[[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]]

*We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.&lt;BR&gt;There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.&lt;BR&gt;[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere...  The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''&lt;BR&gt;[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. 
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]]  (1938)

*You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.&lt;BR&gt; To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. &lt;BR&gt;There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286)
**[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in  ''Supermundane'',  [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']]   (1938)

* &quot;…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. 
** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs &amp; Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12

* Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war.
** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] &amp; [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234

== L ==
[[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* War will not end until all of the violent people are killed.
** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''.

* Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly.
** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom.
** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place.
** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855).

* It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862).

* When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war!
** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2.

* Art, thou hast many infamies,&lt;br&gt;But not an infamy like this.&lt;br&gt;O snap the fife and still the drum&lt;br&gt;And show the monster as she is.
** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too.
** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988)

* I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before.
** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in &quot;[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]&quot; on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973).

* O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me.
** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV.

* The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

*Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863)

* One month too late.
** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* To arms! to arms! ye brave!&lt;br&gt;  Th' avenging sword unsheathe,&lt;br&gt;March on! march on! all hearts resolved&lt;br&gt;  On victory or death!
** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908.

* At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,&lt;br&gt;Sat feasting the officers, one and all—&lt;br&gt;Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,&lt;br&gt;One raised his glass, held high to hail,&lt;br&gt;Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,&lt;br&gt;Spoke three words only: &quot;To the day!&quot;
** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore.
** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): &quot;Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942&quot;. ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166.

* Ez fer war, I call it murder,—&lt;br&gt;  Ther you hev it plain and flat;&lt;br&gt;I don't want to go no furder&lt;br&gt;  Than my Testyment fer that.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1.

* We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3.

* Not but wut abstract war is horrid,&lt;br&gt;  I sign to thet with all my heart,—&lt;br&gt;But civilysation doos git forrid&lt;br&gt;  Sometimes, upon a powder-cart.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7.

* War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation.
** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion.

* God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed.
** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last £100,000,000 will win.
** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8.

* Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,&lt;br&gt;  With such accursed instruments as these,&lt;br&gt;Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,&lt;br&gt;  And jarrest the celestial harmonies?
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Ultima ratio regum.''
** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.]
** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759.

* The Campbells are comin'.
** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée&lt;br&gt;Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?&lt;br&gt;Cet embrasement de l'enfer?&lt;br&gt;Ce tourbillonnement d'armées&lt;br&gt;Par mille milliers de milliers?&lt;br&gt;—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.''
** For what this whirlwind all aflame?&lt;br&gt;    This thunderstroke of hellish ire,&lt;br&gt;    Setting the universe afire?&lt;br&gt;  While millions upon millions came&lt;br&gt;    Into a very storm of war?&lt;br&gt;      For a scrap of paper.
** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5.

* ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.''
** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32.

* ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.''
** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.'''
*** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579.

* ''Omnibus hostes&lt;br&gt;Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.''
**   Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52.

* ''Non tam portas intrare patentes&lt;br&gt;Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono&lt;br&gt;Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;&lt;br&gt;Concessa pudet ire via.''
** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443.

* 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd!
** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes.
** Quoted in &quot;My War Memories, 1914-1918&quot; - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919

* Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt).
** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. &quot;If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones.&quot; Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917.

== M ==
[[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[James Madison]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]]
[[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,&lt;br&gt;  With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?&lt;br&gt;And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?&lt;br&gt;  And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60

* I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951

* In war there is no substitute for victory.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951

* That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145

*[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage...
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171

* Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono.
** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6

* War in men's eyes shall be&lt;br&gt;A monster of iniquity&lt;br&gt;  In the good time coming.&lt;br&gt;Nations shall not quarrel then,&lt;br&gt;  To prove which is the stronger;&lt;br&gt;Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—&lt;br&gt;  Wait a little longer.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''.

* The warpipes are pealing, &quot;The Campbells are coming.&quot;&lt;br&gt;  They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it?
** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.''
** Here I am and here I stay.
** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him &quot;Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste&quot;.

* War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried.
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Universal Peace&quot;, National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building.

* '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.'''
** [[James Madison]], &quot;Political Observations&quot; (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491

* No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614.

* The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue.
** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics.

* ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,&lt;br&gt;Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,&lt;br&gt;Ne sait quand reviendra.''
** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America &quot;We won't go home until morning.&quot; Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians.

* ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.)
** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late.
** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD)

* Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.
** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g &quot;Toy Soldiers&quot;] (1988), ''Martika''

*War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour.
**{{cite journal
 | last = Masaryk
 | first = Tomáš Garrigue
 | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
 | date = 2017-03-29
 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism
 | journal = The New Europe
 | volume = 2
 | issue = 24
 | pages =342–350
 | issn =  
 | doi = 
 | id = 
 | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism
 }}

* And silence broods like spirit on the brae,&lt;br&gt;  A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs&lt;br&gt;Over the grasses of the ancient way&lt;br&gt;  Rutted this morning by the passing guns.
** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King.

* For a flying foe&lt;br&gt;Discreet and provident conquerors build up&lt;br&gt;A bridge of gold.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1.

* Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,&lt;br&gt;And takes away the use of it; and my sword,&lt;br&gt;Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,&lt;br&gt;Will not be drawn.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1.

* Wars and rumours of wars.
** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21.

* All quiet along the Potomac.
** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed.
** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43

* There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,&lt;br&gt;  Some say that nane wan at a', man,&lt;br&gt;But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,&lt;br&gt;  A battle there was which I saw, man.&lt;br&gt;And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,&lt;br&gt;  And we ran, and they ran awa', man.
** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715).

* [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate.
** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in  ''The Fog of War -  Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95.

* There is war in the skies!
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12.

* [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. &lt;br&gt; Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block.
** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017).

* Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction.
** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016)

* War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy.
** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27.

* What though the field be lost?&lt;br&gt;All is not lost; the unconquerable will,&lt;br&gt;And study of revenge, immortal hate&lt;br&gt;And courage never to submit or yield,&lt;br&gt;And what is else not to be overcome.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105.

* Heard so oft&lt;br&gt;In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge&lt;br&gt;Of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275.

* Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,&lt;br&gt;Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.&lt;br&gt;With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,&lt;br&gt;Seraphic arms and trophies.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536.

* My sentence is for open war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51.

* Others more mild,&lt;br&gt;Retreated in a silent valley, sing&lt;br&gt;With notes angelical to many a harp&lt;br&gt;Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall&lt;br&gt;By doom of battle.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546.

* Black it stood as night,&lt;br&gt;Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,&lt;br&gt;And shook a dreadful dart.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670.

* So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell&lt;br&gt;Grew darker at their frown.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719.

* Arms on armour clashing bray'd&lt;br&gt;Horrible discord, and the madding wheels&lt;br&gt;Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise&lt;br&gt;Of conflict.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209.

* To overcome in battle, and subdue&lt;br&gt;Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite&lt;br&gt;Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch&lt;br&gt;Of human glory.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691.

* The brazen throat of war.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713.

* No war or battle sound&lt;br&gt;Was heard the world around.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings.
** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154.

* In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}.
** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}''

*&lt;p&gt;Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&amp;#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&amp;#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&amp;#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c&lt;small&gt;&lt;sup&gt;e&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/small&gt;, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].
**Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&amp;nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to &lt;!--Page 35--&gt;add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.&lt;/p&gt;
***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&amp;nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&amp;nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].

* In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence.
** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out.
** [[Alan Moore]], &quot;The Craft&quot; - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005)

* Thrilled ye ever with the story&lt;br&gt;How on stricken fields of glory&lt;br&gt;Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail!
** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan.

* We had nae heed for the parish bell,&lt;br&gt;  But still—when the bugle cried,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,&lt;br&gt;We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,&lt;br&gt;  And there for you we died!
** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915).

== N ==
[[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people.  [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]]
[[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective.  War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] 
* They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word.
** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894)

* 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon.
** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.
** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Baptism of fire.
** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us.
** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1.

* '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in  ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946).

* '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950).

* '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.'''
** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950).

* England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day.
** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order &quot;Nelson confides,&quot; which was changed to &quot;England expects.&quot; See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370.
* You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''.

* What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior.
** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141.

* A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning.
** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the &quot;war in our cities&quot;.

* I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.
** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14.

* A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;&lt;br&gt;There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears.
** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

[[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
== O ==
[[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

* We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002).

* I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars.
**[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004)

*That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. 
**[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002)

* '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. 
**[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009)

* '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015)

* War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such.
**[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&amp;pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3.

* '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016)

*War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, &amp; working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020)

* March to the battle-field,&lt;br&gt;  The foe is now before us;&lt;br&gt;Each heart is Freedom's shield,&lt;br&gt;  And heaven is shining o'er us.
** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''.
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]]
 
[[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.    ~  [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]]

*War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word &quot;war&quot;, therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]

*In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace.
**[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] 

*Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... 
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III.

* There is a hill in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;  Heaped with a thousand slain,&lt;br&gt;Where the shells fly night and noontide&lt;br&gt;  And the ghosts that died in vain,&lt;br&gt;A little hill, a hard hill&lt;br&gt;  To the souls that died in pain.
** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915).

== P ==
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Palafox&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;Kirby Page&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]]
[[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]]

[[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]]
* Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts.
** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000)

* In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]&quot; (1924).

* Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war.
** [[Kirby Page]], &quot;What is War?&quot; (1924).

* War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008)

* Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.
** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War even to the knife.
** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted &quot;At the point of the knife&quot;.

* Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green.

* Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him.
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294

* War is organised murder, and nothing else.
** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]).

* Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933).

* ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange &lt;br&gt; If we accept them we will never win.''
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of &quot;Absolute War&quot; a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492.

* ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving &lt;br&gt; Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory &lt;br&gt; You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. &lt;br&gt;  Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. &lt;br&gt; Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, &lt;br&gt; Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of &quot;Absolute War&quot;, as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492.

* Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base.
** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''.

* Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3

*But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''.

*War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}}

* [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas.
** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919.

* Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history.
** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See &quot;Literary Digest History of World War,&quot; Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918.

* ''Ils ne passeront pas.''
** They shall not pass.
*** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: &quot;They (the Germans) must not pass.&quot; General Pétain said: &quot;They shall not pass.&quot; In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917.

*The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them.
**[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times''  November 15th, 2021

* γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.&lt;br/&gt;πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς.
* '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, &lt;br/&gt;but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.'''
** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377.
*** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb &quot;''Dulce bellum inexpertis''&quot; which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]].
*** Variant translations:
:::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.'''
:::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it
:::* War is sweet to those who do not know it.
:::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it.
:::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

* From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],&lt;br&gt;Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.&lt;br&gt;Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;&lt;br&gt;And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,&lt;br&gt;Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,&lt;br&gt;And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.&lt;br&gt;Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past&lt;br&gt;His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.&lt;br&gt;On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.&lt;br&gt;Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine.
** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista.

*As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers.
**[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)'']    (16 January 2019)

* If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777).

*When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
**[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e.

* The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are.
** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b.

* He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27.

* Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456.

* It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them.
** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s —  it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&amp;M University on April 15, 2019) 
**[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole  ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,]  (21 April 2019)  

* She saw her sons with purple death expire,&lt;br&gt;Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,&lt;br&gt;A dreadful series of intestine wars,&lt;br&gt;Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323.

*War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army.
**Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook

* Porter states that &quot;the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists.&quot;
** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli &amp; Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997).  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&amp;hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21

* When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto.
**[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''.

* The waves&lt;br&gt;Of the mysterious death-river moaned;&lt;br&gt;The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar&lt;br&gt;Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry&lt;br&gt;Of myriad victims, filled the air.
** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16.

* A man is known by the Company he joins.&lt;br&gt;Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.&lt;br&gt;Never look a gift gun in the mouth.&lt;br&gt;A drop of oil in time saves time.&lt;br&gt;One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.&lt;br&gt;Where there's a war there's a way.
** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917.

* In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for &quot;aggressive&quot; chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too &quot;complex&quot; and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. 
** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&amp;pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89.

== Q ==
* If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must.
** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), &quot;Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must.&quot;

*Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum.
** (Slaughter) means blood and iron.
** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''.

== R ==
[[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
[[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]

* ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.''
** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with &quot;golden&quot; bridge for &quot;silver.&quot; The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. (&quot;A bridge for a retreating army.&quot;) See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64.

* Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none!
** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204

* I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no.
** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941.

* '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984).

* A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. &lt;br&gt; Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed.
** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”].

* I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight.
** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012)

* War on the cheap is always a rotten policy.
** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009.

* From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31.

* [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230.

* Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. 

* People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], &quot;The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)&quot;, (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1.

* And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon.
** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles.

* Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
**  Revelation 6:1-2

* Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,&lt;br&gt;  The wine was red as blood.&lt;br&gt;Cried one, &quot;How long then must we wait&lt;br&gt;Ere we shall thunder at the gate,&lt;br&gt;  And crush the cursed brood?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Twelve men of iron, drinking late,&lt;br&gt;Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:&lt;br&gt;* &quot;The Day!&quot;
** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''.

* When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...]  The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] &quot;'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''&quot; This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider &quot;Thou shalt not kill&quot; and &quot;As ye sow, so shall ye reap&quot;. Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' 
** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006).

* The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]].
** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 &quot;Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine&quot;] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018.

* If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support.
** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63.

* The morning came, there stood the foe;&lt;br&gt;  Stark eyed them as they stood;&lt;br&gt;Few words he spoke—'twas not a time&lt;br&gt;  For moralizing mood:&lt;br&gt;&quot;See there the enemy, my boys!&lt;br&gt;  Now, strong in valor's might,&lt;br&gt;Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep&lt;br&gt;  In widowhood to-night.&quot;
** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''.

*Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !&lt;br&gt;The red-cross squadrons madly rage,&lt;br&gt; And mow thro' infancy and age...
**[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786).

* I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: &quot;The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure&quot;. Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743.

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on.
** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.

* Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949)

* Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive.
** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in &quot;The Nazis: A Warning from History&quot;, Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in &quot;The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership&quot; - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999.

* And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517.

* To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: &quot;We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord.&quot;
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June.

* Righteous Heaven,&lt;br&gt;In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor&lt;br&gt;And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,&lt;br&gt;For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,&lt;br&gt;Would plunge his native land in civil wars.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198.

* War, the needy bankrupt's last resort.
** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343.

* War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others.
* When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense.
* [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability.
:* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&amp;context=jclc &quot;Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States&quot;], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940.

*Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory.
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)   

*To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]],  [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002)       
 
* He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden.
** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V.

* It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet.
** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq

* '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine].

* Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did.
** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8

* '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.'''
** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78&lt;!--79--&gt;

* [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel.
** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of &quot;the thin red line&quot; claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191.

== S ==
[[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. &quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot; ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]]
[[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]]

* I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''&quot;War,&quot; a friend of mine said, &quot;is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity.&quot;'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.'''
** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''.

* To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war.
** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007).

* Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;The People, Yes&quot;, ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464.

*Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution.   One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. 
**[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002)

* Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. 
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. &lt;br&gt; They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]].
** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018).

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4

* Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following.
** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI &quot;Blinded in Chains&quot;] (2005), ''City of Evil''

* Only the dead have seen the end of war.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm].

* '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.'''
** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918)

* The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal.
** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41

*Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;&lt;br&gt;Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.''
** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies.
** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!&lt;br&gt;  It was a slaughter rather than a battle.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50.

* Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten&lt;br&gt;Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten.
** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140.

* War is not healthy for children and other living things.
** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection].

* ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.''
** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it.
** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16.

* One blast upon his bugle horn&lt;br&gt;  Were worth a thousand men.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18.

* In the lost battle,&lt;br&gt;  Borne down by the flying,&lt;br&gt;Where mingles war's rattle&lt;br&gt;  With groans of the dying.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11.

* &quot;Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!&quot;&lt;br&gt;Were the last words of Marmion.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32.

* Still from the sire the son shall hear&lt;br&gt;Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,&lt;br&gt;  Of Flodden's fatal field,&lt;br&gt;When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,&lt;br&gt;  And broken was her shield!
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34.

* There was a stately drama writ&lt;br&gt;  By the hand that peopled the earth and air,&lt;br&gt;And set the stars in the infinite,&lt;br&gt;  And made night gorgeous and morning fair;&lt;br&gt;And all that had sense to reason knew&lt;br&gt;That bloody drama must be gone through.&lt;br&gt;Some sat and watched how the action veered—&lt;br&gt;Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—&lt;br&gt;We saw not clearly nor understood,&lt;br&gt;  But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,&lt;br&gt;Each in his part as best he could,&lt;br&gt;  We played it through as the author planned.
** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''.

* Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have.
** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968)

* When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality.  That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. &lt;br&gt; And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his.  There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died.  When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives.  An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it.  A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death.  So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill.
** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York&quot;], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4

* Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions.
** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202.

* It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858.

* They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]].
** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;, (February 16, 1993).

* There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* They shall not pass, tho' battleline&lt;br&gt;May bend, and foe with foe combine,&lt;br&gt;  Tho' death rain on them from the sky&lt;br&gt;  Till every fighting man shall die,&lt;br&gt;France shall not yield to German Rhine.
** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

*'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg.

* Hold the Fort! I am coming.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War is hell.
** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: &quot;War is Hell.&quot; See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71.

* I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864)

* '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.'''
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia.

* I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell!
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek  ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933).

* '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.'''
** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17.

* ''J'ai vécu.''
** I existed.
** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81.

* '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.'''
** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850).

* Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,&lt;br&gt;  But ah! what found she there?&lt;br&gt;The little streams were running red,&lt;br&gt;  And the torn fields were bare;&lt;br&gt;And all about the ruined towers&lt;br&gt;  Where once her king was crowned,&lt;br&gt;The hurtling ploughs of war and death&lt;br&gt;  Had scored the desolate ground.
** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself.
** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434.

* Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is.
** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8.

* Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war!
** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}.

* I came, I saw, God overcame.
** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards.

* The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately.
** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger &quot;As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power&quot;] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020)

* A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77

* War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost.
** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945)

* War was a kind of poverty with bullets.
** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327

* A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.
** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39

* [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War''

*[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
**[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War'']

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

* Terrible as an army with banners.
** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10.

* Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it).
** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Then more fierce&lt;br&gt;The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell&lt;br&gt;Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,&lt;br&gt;The groan of death, commingled in one sound&lt;br&gt;Of undistinguish'd horrors.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV.

* War! war! war!&lt;br&gt;Heaven aid the right!&lt;br&gt;God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!&lt;br&gt;God send the women sleep in the long, long night,&lt;br&gt;  When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII.

* The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI.

* But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,&lt;br&gt;  Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;&lt;br&gt;And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,&lt;br&gt;  May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:&lt;br&gt;* And Old Brown,&lt;br&gt;* Osawatomie Brown,&lt;br&gt;May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859.

* '''Never run against a war hero.'''
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html &quot;History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson&quot; by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)].

*In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.&lt;BR&gt; In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

*But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.”
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019)

* Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears&lt;br&gt;Waste of youth's most precious years,&lt;br&gt;Waste of ways the saints have trod,&lt;br&gt;Waste of Glory, waste of God,&lt;br&gt;War!
** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919)

* When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed.
** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Hobbes clearly proves that every creature&lt;br&gt;Lives in a state of war by nature.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* War, that mad game the world so loves to play.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron&lt;br&gt;Shall a nation be moulded to last.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''.

* War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed.
** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67

== T ==
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Tacitus]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
* Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes.
** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20.

* Deos fortioribus adesse.
** The gods are on the side of the stronger.
** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17.

* We can start at once. We made preparations on the way.
** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: &quot;When will you be ready?&quot; (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims.

* [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920).

* A little more grape, Captain Bragg.
** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The children born of thee are sword and fire,&lt;br&gt;Red ruin, and the breaking up of law.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423.

* It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt.
** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy).

* Half a league, half a league,&lt;br&gt;  Half a league onward,&lt;br&gt;All in the valley of Death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Forward the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;  Charge for the guns!&quot; he said,&lt;br&gt;Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;  Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1.

* Forward, the Light Brigade!&lt;br&gt;Was there a man dismayed?&lt;br&gt;  Not tho' the soldier knew&lt;br&gt;    Some one had blunder'd.&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to make reply,&lt;br&gt;Theirs not to reason why,&lt;br&gt;Theirs but to do and die.&lt;br&gt; Into the valley of death&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2.

* Cannon to right of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon to left of them,&lt;br&gt;Cannon in front of them&lt;br&gt;    Volley'd and thunder'd;&lt;br&gt;Stormed at with shot and shell,&lt;br&gt;Boldly they rode and well,&lt;br&gt;  Into the jaws of Death,&lt;br&gt;Into the mouth of Hell&lt;br&gt;    Rode the six hundred.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. &quot;Jaws of death&quot; used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4.

* ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.''
** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.
** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms.

* Ten good soldiers, wisely led,&lt;br&gt;Will beat a hundred without a head.
** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks.  … &quot;[[Winston Churchill]] said &quot;The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]].&quot; Churchill also said &quot;In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]].&quot; &lt;br&gt; That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted &quot;Dis-information.&quot; That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it.
** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], &quot;When War Drums Roll&quot; (17 September 2001)

*Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar.
**[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* But what most showed the vanity of life&lt;br&gt;Was to behold the nations all on fire.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55.

* We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]])  had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer.
**[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,'']  (22 November 2018)

* Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war.
** [[Thucydides]], &quot;The Funeral Speech&quot;, ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39.

* &quot;Victory after all, I suppose!&quot; he said, feeling his aching head. &quot;Well, it seems a very gloomy business.&quot;
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''.
*War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.
**[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings''

* A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482.

* War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men!
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74.

* God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race.
** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76.

* The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie...
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] &quot;Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau&quot; (July 1936).

* They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375.

* '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. &lt;br /&gt; While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)]

* '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. &lt;br /&gt; Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. &lt;br /&gt; As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. &lt;br /&gt; '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)]

*On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. 
**[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq &amp; Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008)

* Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for &quot;the universal brotherhood of man&quot; — with his mouth.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''.

* When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&quot;O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen&quot;.
** [[Mark Twain]], &quot;The War Prayer&quot; (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98.

== V ==
* With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantiﬁed was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap.
** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94

* This is the soldier brave enough to tell&lt;br&gt;The glory-dazzled world that &quot;war is hell.&quot;
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives.
** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all &quot;HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era&quot;] (1995), ''The New York Times''

* '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder.  It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all.  We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake.
** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria?  From  ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with  Russia  and  China  in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]],  [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran]  (3 January 2020)

* ''Arma virumque cano.''
** Arms and the man I sing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1.

* … I saw these terrible things,&lt;br&gt;and took great part in them.
** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi&lt;br&gt;et quorum pars magna fui).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: &quot;All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was&quot;. Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy.

* ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.''
** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354.

* ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?''
** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor?
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390.

* ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.''
** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754.

* ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.''
** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461.

* ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.''
** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished.
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104.

* ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.''
** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington.

== W ==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.&lt;br&gt;&lt;center&gt;~&amp;nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''&lt;/center&gt;]]

* Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
**[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals &amp; Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106.

* On to Richmond.
** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign.

* A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778

* To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace.
** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790.

* They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834.

* Up Guards and at 'em!
** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. &quot;What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack.&quot; See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington.

* Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.
** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton.
** Attributed to Wellington. &quot;The battle of Waterloo was won here,&quot; was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.).

* ''The War That Will End War''.
** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase &quot;The war to end war&quot; is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: &quot;This war, like the next war, is a war to end war&quot;. See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase.

* A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40.

*'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''.
:* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1

* The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill.
** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.'''
** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936).

* [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields.
** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017).

* This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,&lt;br&gt;Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;&lt;br&gt;Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,&lt;br&gt;They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton.
** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! &lt;br&gt; There's got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; What is it good for? &lt;br&gt; War has caused unrest &lt;br&gt; Among the younger generation &lt;br&gt; Induction then destruction &lt;br&gt; Who wants to die? &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War-I despise &lt;br&gt; Because it means destruction &lt;br&gt; Of innocent lives &lt;br&gt; War means tears &lt;br&gt; To thousands of mothers how &lt;br&gt; When their sons go off to fight &lt;br&gt; And lose their lives &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; It's an enemy of all mankind &lt;br&gt; No point of war &lt;br&gt; Because you're a man &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War has shattered &lt;br&gt; Many young men's dreams &lt;br&gt; We've got no place for it today &lt;br&gt; They say we must fight to keep our freedom &lt;br&gt; But Lord, there's just got to be a better way &lt;br&gt; It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; '''Friend only to the undertaker'''''
** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969)
** ''Life is much to short and precious &lt;br&gt; To spend fighting wars these days &lt;br&gt; War can't give life &lt;br&gt; It can only take it away &lt;br&gt; ... &lt;br&gt; War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker &lt;br&gt; War, friend only to the undertaker &lt;br&gt; Peace, love and understanding &lt;br&gt; Tell me, is there no place for them today.''
*** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War &amp; Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War &amp; Peace]]''. (1970)

* Now we remember over here in Flanders,&lt;br&gt;(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)&lt;br&gt;  This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.&lt;br&gt;We never thought about You much in England,&lt;br&gt;But now that we are far away from England&lt;br&gt;  We have no doubts, we know that You are here.
** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916.

* We seemed to see our flag unfurled,&lt;br&gt;  Our champion waiting in his place&lt;br&gt;For the last battle of the world,&lt;br&gt;  The Armageddon of the race.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke).
** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, &quot;Civis romanus sum,&quot; hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, &quot;I am a German citizen.&quot;
** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* Every bullet has its billet.
** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!&lt;br&gt;Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;&lt;br&gt;It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there!
** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907.

* War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914.

* You have laid upon me this double obligation: &quot;we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained.&quot;
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916.

* It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917.

* In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art.
** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''.

* They came with banner, spear, and shield;&lt;br&gt;And it was proved in Bosworth field,&lt;br&gt;Not long the Avenger was withstood—&lt;br&gt;Earth help'd him with the cry of blood.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60.

* But Thy most dreaded instrument&lt;br&gt;In working out a pure intent,&lt;br&gt;Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—&lt;br&gt;Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. &quot;But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail.&quot; Version in later editions.

* Everyone loses in war, even the winners.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2

* War is murder, king-sized.
** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius”

== Z ==

* As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp.
** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606.

*The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself.
**[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]]  in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/  ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,'']  (15 August 2018) 

*One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]]  (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that &quot;these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence.&quot; The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... 
**[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf  ''A People's History of the United States'',&lt;small&gt;(Full text online)&lt;/small&gt;] (1980) p. 402

* Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?
** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'',  “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)
 
*America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.)
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

== Unknown authorship ==

* War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, &quot;… entrusted to generals&quot;.

* Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&amp;redir_esc=y 1915])

* It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. 
** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia''

==War quotations in fiction==

[[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]]
* Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], &lt;br&gt; Stop a war with [[love]], &lt;br&gt; Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]].
:* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975).

* There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving.
**[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor

* Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]].

* '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.&lt;br&gt;'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great.
** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980).

* What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume.
** [[George Lucas]]  [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005.

* Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul.
** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''.

* Property, the whole thing's about property.
** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''.

* There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand.
** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''.

* War makes thieves of many honest folk.
** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I)

* Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''.

* &quot;When I go home, people ask me: &quot;Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?&quot;, I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is.&quot;
** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm &quot;Hoot&quot; Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''.

* With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.
** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''.

* I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called &quot;possession of my soul.&quot; There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.
** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''.

* If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell.
** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''.

* A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.
** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''.

[[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]]
* We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]]

*'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war!
* [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', &quot;[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]&quot;, ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942).

* In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings.
** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]]

* It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land.
** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''.

* You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.
** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''.

* And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]?
** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War

* The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''.

==See also==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Disarmament]]
* [[Just war theory]]
* [[Martial arts]]
* [[Military]]
*[[Military-industrial complex]]
* [[Nuclear war]]
* [[Pacifism]]
* [[Peace]]
*[[The Pentagon]]
* [[Soldiers]]
*[[Violence]]
* [[War and peace]]
*[[War crimes]]
* [[Weapons]]
*[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]]
* [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]]
* [[:Category:Wars and battles]]
{{Social and political philosophy}}

==External links==
* [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]]
*[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]]
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|war}}
{{wikisource portal|Wars}}
{{Commons}}

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      <text bytes="146837" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Lewis Hine Power house mechanic working on steam pump.jpg|thumb|Work that is pure toil, done solely for the sake of the [[money]] it earns, is also sheer drudgery because it is stultifying rather than self improving. ~ [[Mortimer Adler]]]]
[[File:Parc de Versailles, Rond-Point des Philosophes, Apollonius, Barthélemy de Mélo inv1850n°9449 02.jpg|thumb|[[Plato]] said that virtue has no master. If a person does not honor this principle and rejoice in it, but is purchasable for money, he creates many masters for himself. ~ [[Apollonius of Tyana]]]]

'''{{w|Work}}''' or labor is intentional activity people perform to support themselves, others, or the needs and wants of a wider community.  Work is fundamental to all societies, but can vary widely within and between them, from gathering in natural resources by hand, to operating complex technologies that substitute for physical or even mental effort by many human beings. '''{{w|Labor}}''' is [[effort]] expended on a [[task]].  

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted]]''}}
=Quotes=
==A==
* No single event has influenced the history of labor in Illinois, the United States, and even the world, more than the Chicago Haymarket Affair. It began with a rally on May 4, 1886, but the consequences are still being felt today. Although the rally is included in American history textbooks, very few present the event accurately or point out its significance.
** William J. Adelman &quot;The Haymarket Affair&quot;. illinoislaborhistory.org. Retrieved March 19, 2014.

* '''Work that is pure toil, done solely for the sake of the money it earns, is also sheer drudgery because it is stultifying rather than self improving.'''
** [[Mortimer Adler]], ''A Vision of the Future : Twelve Ideas for a Better Life and a Better Society'' (1984).

*Since the heart is an accumulator and transmuter of various energies, there must be more favorable conditions for arousing and attracting these energies. The most fundamental condition is work, mental as well as physical. In the motion of work, energies are gathered from space; but one must understand work as a natural process that enriches life. Thus, every kind of work is a [[Blessings|blessing]], while the vagaries of [[Idleness|inaction]] are extremely harmful in a cosmic sense. Love for the endlessness of labor is in itself an initiation of considerable degree; it prepares you for the conquest of [[time]]. Being in a condition where you have conquered [[time]] guarantees you a place in the Subtle World, where work is an unavoidable condition, just as it is in the body. A complaint about having to work can only come from a slave of the body.
**[[Agni Yoga]], ''Heart'', 79. (1932)

* I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
** [[Woody Allen]], as quoted in ''Silent Strength'' (1990) by Lloyd John Ogilvie, p. 111.

* Zeal is proper for a task, time-wasting is taboo; anyone who wastes time on his task is neglecting his task.
** [[Anonymous]], ''[http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section5/tr513.htm The advice of a supervisor to a younger scribe]'' ({{w|Eduba}} C), late third or early second millennium BCE, at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}.

* The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.
** [[Núria Añó]], in the short story ''2066. Beginning the age of correction''.

* I do not demand equal pay for any women save those who do equal work in value. Scorn to be coddled by your employers; make them understand that you are in their service as workers, not as women.
** [[Susan B. Anthony]], ''The Revolution'', Women's Suffrage Newspaper (Oct. 8, 1868)

* [[Plato]] said that [[virtue]] has no master. If a person does not honor this principle and rejoice in it, but is purchasable for money, he creates many masters for himself.
** [[Apollonius of Tyana]], letter to Euphrates, ''Epp. Apoll.'' 15
 
* Our characters are the result of our conduct.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'',  Book 3, chapter 5, section 12 (c. 335 BC)

==B==
* And the one carried in the current said, &quot;I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. '''Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.'''&quot;
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.&lt;br&gt;You may have to work for it, however.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* It is a strange desire which men have, to seek power and lose liberty.
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Ornamenta Rationalia''.

* Measure not the work &lt;br /&gt; Until the day's out and the labour done, &lt;br /&gt; Then bring your gauges.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1857), Book V.

* '''Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.'''
** [[J. M. Barrie]], as quoted in ''The new dictionary of thoughts: a Cyclopedia of Quotations'' (1930) edited by [[Tryon Edwards]], C. N. Catrevas, Jonathan Edwards, and Ralph Emerson Browns.

* Ninety-five percent of all jobs suck, Jones. That’s why people get paid to do them.
** [[Max Barry]], ''[[w:Company (novel)|Company]]'' (2006), {{ISBN|0-385-51439-5}}, p. 112

* There’s no requirement that jobs be meaningful, Jones. If there was, half the country would be unemployed.
** [[Max Barry]], ''[[w:Company (novel)|Company]]'' (2006), {{ISBN|0-385-51439-5}}, p. 334

* '''Unless we abandon the work ethic of [[the past|another era]], ... lives may be wasted because of blind insistence that everyone must have a &quot;job&quot; even if the job is useless.'''
** [[w:Pierre Berton|Pierre Berton]], ''The Smug Minority'' (1968)

* '''You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play.'''
** {{w|Warren Beatty}}, as quoted in ''The Best Liberal Quotes Ever : Why The Left Is Right'' (2004) by William Martin, p. 213.

* Work is healthy, you can hardly put more upon a man than he can bear. It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], as quoted in ''The Teachers' Institute'', Vol. 18, No. 1 (September 1895), p. 16.

* When God wanted sponges and oysters, He made them and put one on a rock and the other in the mud. When He made man, He did not make him to be a sponge or an oyster; He made him with feet and hands, and head and heart, and vital blood, and a place to use them, and He said to him, Go Work.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Royal Truths'' (1862), p. 21.

*LABOR, ''n.'' One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=CboOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA213 ''The Cynic's Word Book''] (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* '''No one should ever work. ''' &lt;br /&gt; Work is the source of nearly all the misery in the world. Almost all the evil you'd care to name comes from working or from living in a world designed for work. '''In order to stop suffering, we have to stop working.''' &lt;br /&gt; That doesn't mean we have to stop doing things. It does mean creating a new way of life based on play; in other words, a ''ludic'' revolution. By &quot;play&quot; I mean also festivity, creativity, conviviality, commensality, and maybe even art. There is more to play than child's play, as worthy as that is. I call for a collective adventure in generalized joy and freely interdependent exuberance. Play isn't passive.
**[[Bob Black]], ''The Abolition of Work''

*Wealth is the offspring of intelligence and of work, the soul and the life of humanity. But these two forces can act only with the help of a passive element, the soil, which they make productive by their combined efforts.It would seem, therefore, that this indispensable instrument should belong to all men.
**[[w:Louis Blanc|Louis Blanc]], &quot;The Man Who Makes the Soup Should Get to Eat It&quot;, (1834).

* Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted.
** [[w:David Bly|David Bly]], as quoted in ''Peace of Mind : Daily Meditations for Easing Stress'' (1995) by Amy Dean, p. 187.

* The reign of capital, which denies our very existence as human beings and reduces us to ‘things’, seems very serious, methodical and disciplined. But its possessive paroxysm, its ethical rigour, its obsession with ‘doing’ all hide a great illusion: the total emptiness of the commodity spectacle, the uselessness of indefinite accumulation and the absurdity of [[exploitation]]. So the great seriousness of the world of work and productivity hides a total lack of seriousness.
** [[Alfredo M. Bonanno]], ''Armed Joy'' (1977)

* Work to me is a sacred thing.
** [[w:Margaret Bourke-White|Margaret Bourke-White]], ''Portrait of Myself'' (1963), Ch. 30.

* Researchers at the University of Oxford [recently] published the results of a survey of the world’s best artificial intelligence experts, who predicted that there was a 50 percent chance of AI outperforming humans in all tasks within 45 years...the immediate concern for most people is that they will be losing their jobs... That helps explain the recent interest in a [[universal basic income|universal basic income (UBI)]] – a sum of money distributed equally to everyone.
** [[Ellen Brown]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/how-to-fund-a-universal-basic-income-without-increasing-taxes-or-inflation/5611947 How to Fund a Universal Basic Income Without Increasing Taxes or Inflation, Global Research''] (4 October 2017)

* By the way,&lt;br&gt;The works of women are symbolical.&lt;br&gt;We sew, sew, prick our ringers, dull our sight,&lt;br&gt;Producing what? A pair of slippers, sir,&lt;br&gt;To put on when you're weary—or a stool&lt;br&gt;To tumble over and vex you  *  *  *  curse that stool!&lt;br&gt;Or else at best, a cushion where you lean&lt;br&gt;And sleep, and dream of something we are not,&lt;br&gt;But would be for your sake. Alas, alas!&lt;br&gt;This hurts most, this  *  *  *  that, after all, we are paid&lt;br&gt;The worth of our work, perhaps.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book I, line 465.

* Get leave to work&lt;br&gt;In this world,—'tis the best you get at all.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book III, line 164.

* Let no one till his death&lt;br&gt;Be called unhappy. Measure not the work&lt;br&gt;Until the day's out and the labour done.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book V, line 78.

* Free men freely work:&lt;br&gt;Whoever fears God, fears to sit at ease.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book VIII, line 784.

* When we see a great man desiring power instead of his real goal we soon recognize that he is sick, or more precisely that his attitude to his work is sick. He overreaches himself, the work denies itself to him, the incarnation of the spirit no longer takes place, and to avoid the threat of senselessness he snatches after empty power. This sickness casts the genius on to the same level as those hysterical figures who, being by nature without power, slave for power, in order that they may enjoy the illusion that they are inwardly powerful, and who in this striving for power cannot let a pause intervene, since a pause would bring with it the possibility of self-reflection and self-reflection would bring collapse.
** [[Martin Buber]], ''Between Man and Man'' (1965), p. 151.

* … productivity gains frequently cause upheaval: Both [[capital]] and labor can pay a terrible price when innovation or new efficiencies upend their worlds.&lt;br&gt;We need shed no tears for the capitalists (whether they be private owners or an army of public shareholders). It’s their job to take care of themselves. ...&lt;br&gt;A long-employed worker faces a different equation. When innovation and the market system interact to produce efficiencies, many workers may be rendered unnecessary, their talents obsolete. Some can find decent employment elsewhere; for others, that is not an option.&lt;br&gt;…&lt;br&gt;The answer in such disruptions is not the restraining or outlawing of actions that increase productivity. Americans would not be living nearly as well as we do if we had mandated that 11 million people should forever be employed in farming.&lt;br&gt;The solution, rather, is a variety of safety nets aimed at providing a decent life for those who are willing to work but find their specific talents judged of small value because of market forces. (I personally favor a reformed and expanded Earned Income Tax Credit that would try to make sure America works for those willing to work.) The price of achieving ever-increasing prosperity for the great majority of Americans should not be penury for the unfortunate.
** [[Warren Buffett]], {{cite web|title=Chairman's Letter - 2015|website=Berkshire Hathaway|date=February 27, 2016|url=https://www.berkshirehathaway.com/letters/2015ltr.pdf}}

*How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?
**[[Charles Bukowski]], ''Factotum'' (1975).

* Any damn fool can beg up some kind of job; it takes a wise man to make it without working.
**[[Charles Bukowski]], ''Post Office'' (1971)

* And still be doing, never done.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto I, line 204.

* Such hath it been—shall be—beneath the sun&lt;br&gt;The many still must labour for the one.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Corsair'' (1814), Canto I, Stanza 8.
[[File:Productivity and wages in the United States.svg|right|thumb|Workers, the most absolutely necessary part of the whole social structure, without whose services none can either eat, or clothe, or shelter himself, are just the ones who get the least to eat, to wear, and to be housed withal — to say nothing of their share of the other social benefits which the rest of us are supposed to furnish, such as education and artistic gratification. ~ [[Voltairine de Cleyre]].]]
[[File:Ccoolidge.jpeg|right|thumb|Do the day's work. If it be to protect the rights of the weak, whoever objects, do it. If it be to help a powerful corporation better to serve the people, whatever the opposition, do that. Expect to be called a stand-patter, but don't be a stand-patter. Expect to be called a demagogue, but don't be a demagogue. Don't hesitate to be as revolutionary as science. Don't hesitate to be as reactionary as the multiplication table. Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong. Don't hurry to legislate. Give administration a chance to catch up with legislation. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Auschwitz entrance.JPG|thumb|Work makes one free. ~ [[w:Lorenz Diefenbach|Lorenz Diefenbach]]]]
[[File:Edison-at home in Ft. Myers Florida 1914 detail LC-LC-USZ62-131044, adjusted.jpg|thumb|Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing. ~ [[Thomas Edison]]]]
[[File:Einstein gyro gravity probe b.jpg|thumb|Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom. ~ [[Albert Einstein]]]]
[[File:Einstein 1921 by F Schmutzer - restoration.jpg|thumb|If A equals success, then the formula is: A equals X plus Y plus Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ~ [[Albert Einstein]]]]
[[File:Caspar David Friedrich - Wanderer above the sea of fog.jpg|thumb|The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Friedrich Engels.jpg|thumb|The only difference as compared with the old, outspoken slavery is this, that the worker of today seems to be free because he is not sold once for all, but piecemeal by the day, the week, the year, and because no one owner sells him to another, but he is forced to sell himself in this way instead, being the slave of no particular person, but of the whole property-holding class. ~ [[Friedrich Engels]]]]
[[File:PikiWiki Israel 3290 Picking Cotton.jpg|thumb|Men work together, wether they work together or apart. ~ [[Robert Frost]]]]
[[File:Ansel Adams - Farm workers and Mt. Williamson.jpg|thumb|The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. ~ [[Robert Frost]]]]
[[File:Johann Heinrich Wilhelm Tischbein - Goethe in der roemischen Campagna.jpg|thumb|right|A man who works at another’s will, not for his own [[passion]] or his own [[need]], but for [[money]] or [[honor]], is always a [[fool]]. ~ [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]]]]
[[File:António Guterres 2012.jpg|thumb|The very nature of work will [[change]]. The governments may have to consider stronger social safety nets, and eventually [[Basic income|universal basic income.]] ~ [[António Guterres]]]]

[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg |thumb|One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]

[[File:Kierkegaard 1902 by Luplau Janssen.jpg|thumb|To work for a living certainly cannot be the meaning of life, since it is indeed a contradiction that the continual production of the conditions is supposed to be the answer to the question of the meaning of that which is conditional upon their production. ~ [[Søren Kierkegaard]]]]

==C==
* Work — other people's work — is an intolerable idea to a cat. Can you picture cats herding sheep or agreeing to pull a cart? They will not inconvenience themselves to the slightest degree.
** {{w|Louis J. Camuti}}, as quoted in ''On the Art of Business'' (2004) by James H Merkel and Abdul Wahad Al-Falaij, p. 257.

* Work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind — honest work, which you intend getting done.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''On the Choice of Books : The Inaugural Address of Thomas Carlyle, Lord Rector of the University of Edinburgh'' (1866).

* There's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
** [[Jim Carrey]], as quoted in ''A Touch of Class'' (2003) by Carol Vanderheyden, p. 70.

* Every one is the son of his own works.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Part I, Book IV, Chapter XX.

* Labor is discovered to be the grand conqueror, enriching and building up nations more surely than the proudest battles.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], ''War'' (1816).

* A rational, moral being cannot, without infinite wrong, be converted into a mere instrument of others’ gratification. He is necessarily an end, not a means. A mind, in which are sown the seeds of wisdom, disinterestedness, firmness of purpose, and piety, is worth more than all the outward material interests of a world. It exists for itself, for its own perfection, and must not be enslaved to its own or others’ animal wants.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Self-Culture” (1838)

* The consistent [[anarchist]], then, should be a socialist, but a socialist of a particular sort. He will not only oppose alienated and specialized labor and look forward to the appropriation of [[capital]] by the whole body of workers, but he will also insist that this appropriation be direct, not exercised by some elite force acting in the name of the proletariat.
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''Notes On Anarchism'' (1970).

* Remember, work, well done, does good to the man who does it. It makes him a better man.
** {{w|George S. Clason}}, ''The Richest Man in Babylon'' (1930).

* Work is the Rent we pay for our time on Earth.
** {{w|Tubby Clayton}}, Anglican clergyman, as quoted by [[David Frost]] in an interview in ''Saga'' magazine (January 2009).

*Workers, the most absolutely necessary part of the whole social structure, without whose services none can either eat, or clothe, or shelter himself, are just the ones who get the least to eat, to wear, and to be housed withal — to say nothing of their share of the other social benefits which the rest of us are supposed to furnish, such as education and artistic gratification.
**[[Voltairine de Cleyre]], &quot;Direct Action&quot; (1912), in ''Exquisite Rebel: The Essays of Voltairine de Cleyre -- Anarchist, Feminist, Genius'', SUNY Press, 10 February 2005, p. [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=z82d_8aEI4oC&amp;pg=PA280 280].

* If you work hard, you do your part, you should be able to give your children all the opportunities they deserve. That is the basic bargain of America.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016)

* I believe that every employee, from the CEO suite to the factory floor, contributes to a business’ success, so everybody should share in the rewards – especially those putting in long hours for little pay.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016)

==D==
* Though thousands of people indulge themselves in it regularly, and even develop a taste for it, there is no doubt in my mind (and that of scientists whom I employ to prove it) that Work is a dangerous and destructive drug, and should be called by its right name, which is Fatigue.
** [[Robertson Davies|Robertson Davies]], ''The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks'' (1947).

* I spent a busy day today, but got little done. This is because I am at last becoming perfect in the art of seeming busy, even when very little is going on in my head or under my hands. This is an art which every man learns, if he does not intend to work himself to death.
** [[Robertson Davies|Robertson Davies]], ''The Table Talk of Samuel Marchbanks'' (1949).

* '''To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy.'''
** [[Bette Davis]], ''The Lonely Life : An Autobiography'' (1962).

* Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.
** [[Bette Davis]], as quoted in ''The Quotable Woman, 1800-1975'' (1977) by Elaine Partnow, p. 315.

* [[Working class in the United States|Workingmen]] of the country ... toil for a pittance at the pleasure of their masters and are bludgeoned, jailed or shot when they protest — this is the central, controlling, vital issue of the hour, and neither of the [[Two-party system|old party]] platforms has a word or even a hint about it.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;Outlook for Socialism in the United States&quot; (1900)

* ''[[w:Arbeit macht frei|Arbeit macht frei]]''.
** '''Work makes (one) free.'''
*** Title of a 1873 novel by [[w:Lorenz Diefenbach|Lorenz Diefenbach]], which became an infamous slogan above the gates of several Nazi concentration camps.

* The phrase &quot;work-life balance&quot; tells us that people think that work is the opposite of life. We should be talking about life-life balance.
** [[Patrick Dixon]], ''Building a Better Business'' (2005) p. 182.

==E==
* All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 1:8, [[King James Version]]

* For what profit comes to mortals from all the toil and anxiety of heart with which they toil under the sun? Every day sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night their hearts are not at rest. This also is vanity.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 2:22-23 (New American Bible Revised Edition)

* The grinders cease because they are few.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 12:3, [[New International Version]]

* Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
** [[Thomas Edison]], as quoted in ''An Enemy Called Average'' (1990) by John L. Mason, p. 55.

* Being busy does not always mean real work.''' The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. '''Seeming to do is not doing.'''
** [[Thomas Edison]], as quoted in ''Ford Times'', Vol. 6, (1912), p. 136.

* I owe my success to the fact that I never had a clock in my workroom. Seventy-five of us worked twenty hours every day and slept only four hours — and thrived on it. An hardwork can make you to have a successfull future.There can be many fails maybe in our life but have to ready to face it for a hardworked work.
** [[Thomas Edison]], diary entry quoted in ''Defending and Parenting Children Who Learn Differently : Lessons from Edison's Mother'' (2007) by Scott Teel, p. 12.

* When modern men and women insist that they feel completely free in their work, they are in a sense telling the truth, for the triumph of conformity lies in the crushing of all resistance, all experience of conflict.
** [[David Edwards]], ''Burning All Illusions'' (Boston: 1996), p. 36.

* Every individual should have the opportunity to develop the gifts which may be latent in him. Alone in that way can the individual obtain the satisfaction to which he is justly entitled; and alone in that way can the community achieve its richest flowering. For everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Educational Trends : Journal of Research and Interpretation'' (June 1936), p. 32.

* If A equals success, then the formula is: A equals X plus Y plus Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Kiplinger's Personal Finance'', Vol. 11, No. 7 (July 1957), p. 48

* '''The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.'''
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Nominalist and Realist&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'' (1844).

* The only difference as compared with the old, outspoken slavery is this, that the worker of today seems to be free because he is not sold once for all, but piecemeal by the day, the week, the year, and because no one owner sells him to another, but he is forced to sell himself in this way instead, being the slave of no particular person, but of the whole property-holding class.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|The Condition of the Working Class in England}}'' (1845)

* There have always been poor and working classes; and the working class have mostly been poor. But there have not always been workers and poor people living under conditions as they are today.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* The capitalists soon had everything in their hands and nothing remained to the workers.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* The costs of production of labor consist of precisely the quantity of means of subsistence necessary to enable the worker to continue working, and to prevent the working class from dying out. The worker will therefore get no more for his labor than is necessary for this purpose; the price of labor, or the wage, will, in other words, be the lowest, the minimum, required for the maintenance of life.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else. I just don't happen to think it's an appropriate subject for an &quot;ethic.&quot;
** [[Barbara Ehrenreich]], &quot;Goodbye to the Work Ethic&quot; (1988), in ''The Worst Years of Our Lives: Irreverent Notes from a Decade of Greed'' (1991).

* He who understands the limits of life knows how easy it is to procure enough to remove the pain of want and make the whole life complete and perfect. Hence he has no longer any need of things which are not to be won save by labor and conflict.
** [[Epicurus]], “Principal Doctrines,” 21

==F==
* Every employee in an undertaking, then, takes a larger or smaller share in the work of administration, and has, therefore, to use and display his administrative faculties. This is why we often see men, who are specially gifted, gradually rise from the lowest to the highest level of the industrial hierarchy, although they have only had an elementary education. But young men, who begin practical work as engineers soon after leaving industrial schools, are in a particularly good position both for learning administration and for showing their ability in this direction, for in administration, as in all other branches of industrial activity, a man’s work is judged by its results.
** [[Henri Fayol]], (1900) ''Henri Fayol addressed his colleagues in the mineral industry 23 June 1900''.

* The idea that to make a man work you've got to hold gold in front of his eyes is a growth, not an axiom. We've done that for so long that we've forgotten there's any other way.
** [[F. Scott Fitzgerald]], &quot;Amory Blaine&quot; in ''This Side of Paradise'' (1920) Bk. 2, Ch. 5.

* It's a living.
** Animals, [[The Flintstones]], created by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera

*Peacefulness to be found in writing. Why do I not write every day? Partly because I feel I ought to write well and know I can't. But that is not a good enough reason for not writing, if it gains me poise &amp; peace.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Commonplace Book'', p. 219 (1960).

* '''I urge you to work together in promoting a [[true]], worldwide [[ethical]] mobilization which, beyond [[all]] differences of [[religious]] or [[political]] convictions, will spread and put into practice a shared [[ideal]] of fraternity and solidarity, especially with regard to the poorest and those most excluded.'''
** [[Pope Francis]], as quoted in an [http://w2.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/speeches/2014/may/documents/papa-francesco_20140509_consiglio-nazioni-unite.html address to the UN system chief executives board for coordination, Consistory Hall (9 May 2014)].

* People have been known to achieve more as a result of working with others than against them.
** Allan Fromme, as quoted in [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D0CE0DB1538F931A35751C0A9659C8B63 &quot;Allan Fromme, Psychologist And Writer, 87&quot;, ''The New York Times'' (2 February 2003) ]

* “'''Men work together''',” I told him from the [[heart]], &lt;br /&gt; “'''Whether they work together or apart.'''”
** [[Robert Frost]], [http://www.sparknotes.com/poetry/frost/section2.rhtml The Tuft of Flowers] (1915)

* '''The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.'''
** [[Robert Frost]], as quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) edited by Herbert Victor Prochnow.

==G==
* I need to wake out of my stupor and begin work. ...my body stands frozen in a snow packed tundra waiting for rescue. It may take a few days before that happens, since my mind is on vacation in Alberta right now.
** [[Michael Scott Gallegos]], &quot;Alligator&quot; (Nov 5, 2011)

* '''My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.'''
** [[Indira Gandhi]], as quoted in ''Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success'' (1996) by Joan Steinau Lester, p. 76.

* [[God]] designed man for work--work for his own sustenance; he who does not work shall not eat.
** ''{{w|Genesis Rabbah}} 14'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 67

* For as labor cannot produce without the use of land, the denial of the equal right to the use of land is necessarily the denial of the right of labor to its own produce.
** [[Henry George]], ''Progress and Poverty'' (1879), Book VII, Ch. 1.

* ''Ein Mensch, der um anderer willen, ohne dass es seine eigene Leidenschaft, sein eigenes Bedürfnis ist, sich um Geld oder Ehre oder sonst etwas abarbeitet, ist immer ein Tor''.
* A man who works at another’s will, not for his own passion or his own need, but for money or honor, is always a [[fool]].
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Die Leiden des Jungen Werthers'' (''The Sorrows of Young Werther''), p. 46

* Insofar as our culture conventionally construes technical, scientific, and professional roles as those that obligate men to ignore all but the technical implications of their work, the very social structure itself is inherently [[pathogenic]]. The social function of such a segmented role structure is akin to that of the  [[Unconscious|reflexive]]  [[obedience]] induced by [[military]] training. The function of such a technical role structure, as of military discipline, is to [[Eliminate|sever]] the normal [[Morality|moral sensibilities]] and [[responsibilities]] of civilians and soldiers and to enable them to be used as [[Zombies|deployables]], willing to pursue practically any objective. In the last analysis, such arrangements produce an unthinking readiness to [[kill]] or to hurt others - or to produce things that do so - on order.
** [[Alvin Ward Gouldner]], ''The Coming Crisis in Sociology'' (1970), p. 13

* Nothing is more laborious for you than not to labor at all&amp;mdash;in other words, to despise everything that gives rise to our labors, which means all that is subject to [[change]].
** [[Guigo I]], ''The Meditations of Guigo I, Prior of the Charterhouse'', as translated by A. Gordon Mursell (1995), #50

* The very nature of work will [[change]]. The governments may have to consider stronger social safety nets, and eventually [[universal basic income]].
** [[António Guterres]], [http://webtv.un.org/watch/secretary-general-addresses-general-debate-73rd-session/5839802857001/ ''Secretary-General Addresses General Debate, 73rd Session''] of the General Assembly of the UN, 15:25, (25 September 2018)

==H==
* If one man has a dollar he didn't work for, some other man worked for a dollar he didn't get.
** [[Bill Haywood]], ''Roughneck, The Life and Times of Big Bill Haywood'' (1983) by Peter Carlson, p. 146
** Paraphrased variant: For every man who gets a dollar he didn't sweat for, someone else sweated to produce a dollar he never received.

* Mark this well, you proud men of action: You are nothing but the unwitting agents of the men of thought who often, in quiet self-effacement, mark out most exactly all your doings in advance.
** [[Heinrich Heine]], ''History of Religion and Philosophy in Germany'', Vol. III (1834).

* One of the curious features of [[Impressionism]]... was the casualness of their work. ...[T]he painters gave the impression of hastily concocted canvases... more... inspiration than... patient labor. The effortless stroke of genius became a leading measure of artistic quality, partly because it denied mere &quot;work.&quot; ...&quot;Art for art's sake&quot; was an invention of the [[Romanticism|romantic]] era in France. ...They looked towards a mythical past in which the &quot;natural&quot; person could cultivate self-expression, free of the claims of social utility. This fantasized past... had an anti-industrial character. ...Work was despised because the growing industrial revolution was separating it from inventiveness, originality, and individualism. ...The inventiveness and spontaneity that independent artists sought were... opposed to industrial work,... products (with which they associated academic art) and for many... cities... Women and men held parasols and croquet mallets, not sickles and hoes, and dahlias were more attractive than cabbages. (It is true that Pissarro retained much of the outlook of Barbizon artists...) The work ethic implicit in [[Barbizon school|Barbizon]] art... was done away with by the impressionists. The suburb and the coastal resort, not the farm, is the landscape of [[Berthe Morisot|Morisot]], [[Pierre-Auguste Renoir|Renoir]], [[Édouard Manet|Manet]], and [[Claude Monet|Monet]]. ...The Impressionists ...joined other middle-class vacationers (except for [[Paul Cézanne|Cézanne]] and [[Camille Pissarro|Pissarro]], so little in sympathy with Parisian society).
** Robert L. Herbert, ''Impressionism: Art, Leisure, and Parisian Society'' (1988) p. 304-306.

* If little labour, little are our gaines: &lt;br /&gt; Man's fortunes are according to his paines.
** [[Robert Herrick]], ''Hesperides'' (1648), &quot;No Paines, No Gaines&quot;.

* The economic system denies the right of the sincerest and most sympathetic to keep their hands out of the blood of their brothers. We may not go to our rest at night, or waken to our work in the morning, without bearing the burden of the communal guilt; without being ourselves creators and causes of the wrongs we seek to bear away. At every step, when we would do good, evil is present with us, and exacts its tribute from the very citadel of the soul. ... If we stay at our posts, in order that we may [[change]] the system, we are on the backs of our brothers; if we desert our posts, in order that we may get off our brothers' backs, we take bread from their mouths, from the mouths of their children, and add to the army of the workless and hopeless.
** [[George D. Herron]], ''Between Caesar and Jesus'' (1899) pp. 24-25

* [[Hillel the Elder|Hillel]] stood in the gate of Jerusalem one day and saw the people on their way to work. &quot;How much,&quot;​ he asked, &quot;will you earn today?&quot;​ One said: &quot;A {{w|denarius}}&quot;​; the second: &quot;Two denarii&quot;​ &quot;What will you do with the money?&quot;​ he inquired. &quot;We will provide for the necessities of life.&quot;​ Then he said to them: &quot;Would you not rather come and make the Torah your possession, that you may possess both this world and the world to come?&quot;
** ''The Jewish Encyclopedia'', Volume 6, p. 399

* Our fruitless labours mourn, &lt;br /&gt; And only rich in barren fame return.
** [[Homer]], ''Odyssey'' (c. 7th century BC); tr. [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Odyssey of Homer]]'' (1725), Book X, line 46.

* To labour is the lot of man below; &lt;br /&gt; And when Jove gave us life, he gave us woe.
** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'' (c. 7th century BC); tr. [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715–1720), Book X, Line 78.

* I believe that the best way to prepare for a Future Life is to be kind, live one day at a time, and do the work you can do best, doing it as well as you can.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], &quot;Credo&quot;, as published in ''A Message to Garcia, and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 6.

* One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''A Thousand and One Epigrams'' (1911).

* If you want work well done, select a busy man ‚ the other kind has no time.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book'' (1927).

* The highest reward that God gives us for good work, is the ability to do better work.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard'' (1927), p. 125.

==I==
* I've had the best possible chance of learning that what the working-classes really need is to be allowed some part in the direction of public affairs, Doctor—to develop their abilities, their understanding and their self-respect.
** [[Henrik Ibsen]], ''An Enemy of the People'', English adaptation by Max Faber (1970), act II, p. 28. Mr. Hovstad is speaking.
[[File:Morocco Africa Flickr Rosino December 2005 83965745.jpg|thumb|A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both. ~ [[L. P. Jacks]]]]
==J==
* The philosopher bent on the enlargement of experience perceives at once that his work cannot be done, cannot even be commenced, until he has cleared away the heaps of verbal detritus under which the bedrocks of experience lie buried.
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''The Usurpation Of Language'' (1910).

* We are the children of an age which spends the best energies of its life in the discussion of life, in an atmosphere of deferred fulfillment, continually postponing the act of living to the work of mentally preparing to live.
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''The Usurpation Of Language'' (1910).

* '''A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which.''' He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. '''To himself, he always appears to be doing both.'''
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''Education through Recreation'' (1932), p. 1.

* We do 30 to 40 percent of the nation's work for 1 percent of the returns, and a huge pool of us is always kept unemployed to reduce the value of the labor of those who are.
** [[George L. Jackson]], ''Blood in My Eye'' (1971), p. 24

* It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
** [[Jerome K. Jerome]], English author. ''Three Men in a Boat'' (1889), Ch. 15.

* Work and play they're never okay to mix.
** [[Jimmy Eat World]] taken from their song &quot;[[w: Work (Jimmy Eat World song)|Work]]&quot;.

* The error of early capitalism can be repeated wherever man is in a way treated on the same level as the whole complex of the material means of production, as an instrument and not in accordance with the true dignity of his work.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], ''Laborem Exercens''

==K==
* [[Jesus]] ... combines all duties (1) in one universal rule (which includes within itself both the inner and the outer moral relations of men), namely: Perform your [[duty]] for no motive other than unconditioned esteem for duty itself, i.e., [[Love of God|love God]] (the Legislator of all duties) above all else; and (2) in a particular rule, that, namely, which concerns man’s external relation to other men as universal duty: [[Great Commandment|Love every one as yourself]], i.e., further his welfare from [[good-will]] that is immediate and not derived from motives of [[greed|self-advantage]]. These commands are not mere laws of [[virtue]] but precepts of [[holiness]] which we ought to pursue, and the very pursuit of them is called virtue.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion”

* It is so easy to be immature. If I have a book to serve as my understanding, a pastor to serve as my conscience, a physician to determine my diet for me, and so on, I need not exert myself at all. I need not think, if only I can pay: others will readily undertake the irksome work for me.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], &quot;What is Enlightenment?&quot; (1784)

* To work for a living certainly cannot be the meaning of life, since it is indeed a contradiction that the continual production of the conditions is supposed to be the answer to the question of the meaning of that which is conditional upon their production.
**[[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''Either-Or'', H. Hong, trans. (1987), part 1 (I 15), p. 31.

* In the last analysis, what is the significance of life? If we divide mankind into two great classes, we may say that one works for a living, the other does not need to. But working for a living cannot be the meaning of life, since it would be a contradiction to say that the perpetual production of the conditions for subsistence is an answer to the question about its significance which, by the help of this, must be conditioned. The lives of the other class have in general no other significance than that they consume the conditions of subsistence. And to say that the significance of life is death, seems again a contradiction.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part I'', Swenson p. 30.

*{{Translated quote
| quote = You can do it quickly, but badly, or you can do it slowly, but well. After a while, everyone will forget that it was fast, but will remember that it was bad. And vice versa.
| original =  Можно сделать быстро, но плохо, а можно — медленно, но хорошо. Через некоторое время все забудут, что было быстро, но будут помнить, что было плохо. И наоборот.| comment = }} 
* [[Sergei Korolev]], quoted in [https://books.google.be/books?id=VyvLDgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT311&amp;lpg=PT311&amp;dq=%D0%9C%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D1%81%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B0%D1%82%D1%8C+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE,+%D0%B0+%D0%BC%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE+%E2%80%94+%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%B4%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%BD%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D1%85%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D1%88%D0%BE.+%D0%A7%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7+%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B5+%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BC%D1%8F+%D0%B2%D1%81%D0%B5+%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82,+%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82+%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C,+%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE+%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE.+%D0%98&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=BByEGl1rb_&amp;sig=ACfU3U3PHhA9hcx-JhymDEXCw3AAIFw-2Q&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwiop6_-nb75AhVJdcAKHSgtASAQ6AF6BAgCEAM#v=onepage&amp;q=%D0%9C%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D1%81%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B0%D1%82%D1%8C%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%B0%20%D0%BC%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%E2%80%94%20%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%B4%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%BD%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D1%85%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D1%88%D0%BE.%20%D0%A7%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7%20%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B5%20%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BC%D1%8F%20%D0%B2%D1%81%D0%B5%20%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82%2C%20%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82%20%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C%2C%20%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE%20%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE.%20%D0%98&amp;f=false Leadership in the Russian way (Лидерство по-русски)] (2022)

*If the picture I’ve drawn is at all right, the only way we could have anything resembling a middle-class society — a society in which ordinary citizens have a reasonable assurance of maintaining a decent life as long as they work hard and play by the rules — would be by having a strong social safety net, one that guarantees not just health care but a minimum income, too.
** [[Paul Krugman]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/14/opinion/krugman-sympathy-for-the-luddites.html ''Sympathy for the Luddites''], The New York Times (13 June 2013)

[[File:Ancient Garden.png|thumb|No thoroughly occupied man was ever yet very miserable. ~ [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]] ]]
[[File:New Inventions of Modern Times -Nova Reperta-, The Invention of Distillation, plate 7 MET DP841129.jpg|thumb|Labor is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. [[Capital]] is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]] ]]

[[File:Bernard Lietaer - PopTech 2011 - Camden Maine USA.jpg|thumb|Instead of pitting people against each other, the (local currency) system... '''enables us to consciously design [[money]] to work for us, instead of us for it.''' ~ [[Bernard Lietaer]]]]

==L==
* Men are like handsome race horses who first bite the bit and later like it, and rearing under the saddle a while soon learn to enjoy displaying their harness and prance proudly beneath their trappings.
** [[Étienne de La Boétie]], ''[[Discourse of Voluntary Servitude]]'', Part 2

* The philosophers of antiquity taught contempt for work, that degradation of the free man, the poets sang of idleness, that gift from the Gods.
** [[Paul Lafargue]], ''The Right to Be Lazy'' (1883), H. Kerr, trans. (1907), pp. 11-12.

* '''No thoroughly occupied man was ever yet very miserable.'''
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]] ''Romance and Reality'' (1831) Vol. II, page 108

*A full-fledged [[UBI]] — one that unconditionally provides every person with enough income to meet their basic needs—would fundamentally alter the paradigm of capitalism that has locked workers into the dominant system ever since its inception. Capitalism has endured by commoditizing people’s lives, forcing them to sell the bulk of their available time and energy, or else face destitution and starvation. A true UBI would transform the relationship between labor and capital and weaken the power of the wealthy elite to control the population.
**[[Jeremy Lent]] in [https://greattransition.org/gti-forum/basic-income-lent A Cornerstone of a Moral Economy,  ''Great Transition Initiative,'' ''GTI Forum''] (November 2020).

*Computers and robots replace humans in the exercise of mental functions in the same way as mechanical power replaced them in the performance of physical tasks. As time goes on, more and more complex mental functions will be performed by machines. Any worker who now performs his task by following specific instructions can, in principle, be replaced by a machine. This means that the role of humans as the most important factor of production is bound to diminish—in the same way that the role of horses in agricultural production was first diminished and then eliminated by the introduction of tractors.
** [[Wassily Leontief]], &quot;[http://books.google.nl/books?id=hS0rAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA3 National perspective: The definition of problem and opportunity]&quot;, in: National Academies, ''The Long-term Impact of Technology on Employment and Unemployment: A National Academy of Engineering Symposium'', p. 3. (30 June 1983)

*Local [[currency]] creates work, and I make a distinction between work and jobs. A job is what you do for a living; work is what you do because you like to do it. I expect jobs to increasingly [[Universal basic income|become obsolete]], but there is still an almost infinite amount of fascinating work to be done... What's nice about local currency is that when people create their own money, they don't need to build in a [[scarcity]] factor. And they don't need to get currency from elsewhere in order to have a means of making an exchange with a neighbor... As soon as you have an agreement between two people about a transaction... they literally create the necessary &quot;money&quot; in the process; there's no [[scarcity]] of money. That does not mean there's an infinite amount of this currency, either; you cannot give me 500,000 hours - nobody has 500,000 hours to give. So there's a ceiling on it, yes, but there's no artificial [[scarcity]]. 
**[[Bernard Lietaer]], [https://library.uniteddiversity.coop/Money_and_Economics/Bernard_Lietaer/Interview_Yes%21.pdf Beyond Greed and Scarcity, ''YES! A Journal of Positive Futures''], (Spring 1997)

*Instead of pitting people against each other, the (local currency) system actually ... '''enables us to consciously design [[money]] to work for us, instead of us for it.''' ..These objectives are in our grasp within less than one generation's time. Whether we materialize them or not will depend on our capacity to [[cooperate]] with each other to consciously reinvent our money... For the first time in human history we have available the production technologies to create unprecedented abundance...
**[[Bernard Lietaer]], [https://library.uniteddiversity.coop/Money_and_Economics/Bernard_Lietaer/Interview_Yes%21.pdf Beyond Greed and Scarcity, ''YES! A Journal of Positive Futures''], (Spring 1997)

*I agree with you, Mr. Chairman, that the working men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the more numerous, and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (February 12, 1861) [Commercial version]; in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 4, p. 202.

* In the early days of the world, the Almighty said to the first of our race &quot;In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread&quot;; and since then, if we except the light and the air of heaven, no good thing has been, or can be enjoyed by us, without having first cost labour. And inasmuch [as] most good things are produced by labour, it follows that [all] such things of right belong to those whose labour has produced them. But it has so happened in all ages of the world, that some have labored, and others have, without labour, enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue. To [secure] to each labourer the whole product of his labour, or as nearly as possible, is a most worthy object of any good government.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], fragments of a tariff discussion (c. December 1, 1847); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 1, p. 407–8.

* It is better, then, to save the work while it is begun. You have done the labor; maintain it—keep it. If men choose to serve you, go with them; but as you have made up your organization upon principle, stand by it; for, as surely as God reigns over you, and has inspired your mind, and given you a sense of propriety, and continues to give you hope, so surely will you still cling to these ideas, and you will at last come back after your wanderings, merely to do your work over again.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech at Chicago, Illinois (July 10, 1858); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 2, p. 498.

* '''Labor is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. [[Capital]] is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.'''
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], First State of the Union Address (December 3, 1861); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 5, p. 52.

* The most notable feature of a disturbance in your city last summer, was the hanging of some working people by other working people. It should never be so. '''The strongest bond of human sympathy, outside of the family relation, should be one uniting all working people, of all nations, and tongues, and kindreds.'''
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], reply to New York Workingmen's Democratic Republican Association (March 21, 1864); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 7, p. 259.

* From labor there shall come forth rest.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], &quot;To a Child&quot;, line 162; in ''The Belfry of Bruges and Other Poems'' (1845).

* [[Adam]] was created righteous, acceptable, and without sin. He had no need from his labor in the garden to be made righteous and acceptable to God. Rather, the Lord gave Adam work in order to cultivate and protect the garden. This would have been the freest of all works because they were done simply to please God and not to obtain righteousness. … The works of the person who trusts God are to be understood in a similar manner. Through faith we are restored to paradise and created anew. We have no need of works in order to be righteous; however, in order to avoid idleness and so that the body might be cared for an disciplined, works are done freely to please God.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), pp. 73-74.

* It is always necessary that the substance or essence of a person be good before there can be any good works and that good works follow and proceed from a person who is already good. Christ says in Matthew 7:18: “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” ... The fruit does not make the tree good or bad but the tree itself is what determines the nature of the fruit. In the same way, a person first must be good or bad before doing a good or bad work.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), pp. 74-75.

* Many have been deceived by outward appearances and have proceeded to write and teach about good works and how they justify without even mentioning faith. … Wearying themselves with many works, they never come to righteousness.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), p. 75.
[[File:Herman Melville 1860.jpg|thumb|99 hundreths of all the work done in the world is either foolish and unnecessary, or harmful and wicked. ~ [[Herman Melville]]]]
[[File:A monument of working class.JPG|thumb|It has become an article of the creed of modern morality that all labour is good in itself — a convenient belief to those who live on the labour of others. ~ [[William Morris]]]]
==M==
* '''The man who is possessed of wealth, who lolls on his sofa or rolls in his carriage, cannot judge the wants or feelings of the day-laborer.'''
** [[James Madison]], Statement (1787-06-26) as quoted in [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/yates.asp ''Notes of the Secret Debates of the Federal Convention of 1787''] by [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]].

* Tonio ... worked withdrawn out of sight and sound of the small men, for whom he felt nothing but contempt, who, whether they were poor or not, went about ostentatiously shabby or else flaunted startling cravats, all the time taking jolly good care to amuse themselves, to be artistic and charming without the smallest notion of the fact that good work comes out only under pressure of a bad life; that he who lives does not work; the one must die to life in order to be utterly a creator.
** [[Thomas Mann]], ''Tonio Kröger'', H. Lowe-Porter, trans., modified, in Death in Venice and Seven Other Stories (1930), p. 94

* Passing alongside the Sea of Galilee, Jesus saw Simon and Andrew the brother of Simon casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” And immediately they left their nets and followed. And going on a little farther, he saw James the son of Zebedee and John his brother, who were in their boat mending the nets. And immediately he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired servants and followed Jesus.
** [[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] 1:16-20 [[w:English Standard Version|ESV]]

* The worker puts his life into the object; but now it no longer belongs to him, it belongs to the object.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 134.

* The better shaped his product, the more mis-shapen the worker; the more civilized his object, the more barbaric the worker; the more powerful the work, the more powerless the worker.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 135.

* Labor produces marvels for the rich but it produces deprivation for the worker. It produces palaces, but hovels for the worker. It produces beauty, but deformity for the worker. It replaces labor by machines, but it throws one section of the workers back to barbaric labor, and it turns the remainder into machines.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 135.

* What, then, constitutes the alienation of labor? First, in the fact that labor is external to the worker, that is, that it does not belong to his essential being; that in his work, therefore, he does not affirm himself but denies himself, does not feel well but unhappy, does not freely develop his physical and mental energy but mortifies his body and ruins his mind. The worker, therefore, feels himself only outside his work, and feels beside himself in his work. He is at home when he is not working, and when he is working he is not at home. His work therefore is not voluntary, but coerced; it is forced labor. It is therefore not the satisfaction of a need, but only a means for satisfying needs external to it. Its alien character emerges clearly in the fact that labor is shunned like the plague as soon as there is no physical or other compulsion.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 136.

* When we have weighed everything, and when our relations in life permit us to choose any given position, we may take that one which guarantees us the greatest dignity, which is based on ideas of whose truth we are completely convinced, which offers the largest field to work for mankind and approach the universal goal for which every position is only a means: [[perfection]].
** [[Karl Marx]], “Reflections of a Youth on Choosing an Occupation” (1835), ''Writings of the Young Marx on Philosophy and Society'', L. Easton, trans. (1967), p. 38.

* Capital is dead labor,that vampire-like, only lives by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.
** [[Karl Marx]], {{w|Capital: Critique of Political Economy}}, [[w:Capital, Volume I|Vol. I]], Ch. 10, Section 1, p. 257. (1867)

* He that would enjoy life and act with freedom must have the work of the day continually before his eyes. Not yesterday's work, lest he fall into despair; nor to-morrow's, lest he become a visionary—not that which ends with the day, which is a worldly work; nor yet that only which remains to eternity, for by it he cannot shape his actions.&lt;br /&gt;Happy is the man who can recognise in the work of to-day a connected portion of the work of life and an embodiment of the work of Eternity. The foundations of his confidence are unchangeable, for he has been made a partaker of Infinity. He strenuously works out his daily enterprises because the present is given him for a possession.&lt;br /&gt;Thus ought Man to be an impersonation of the divine process of nature, and to show forth the union of the infinite with the finite, not slighting his temporal existence, remembering that in it only is individual action possible; nor yet shutting out from his view that which is eternal, knowing that Time is a mystery which man cannot endure to contemplate until eternal Truth enlighten it.
** [[James Clerk Maxwell]], Paper communicated to {{w|Frederic Farrar}}&lt;!--F. W. Farrar--&gt; (1854) Æt. 23, as quoted in Lewis Campbell, William Garnett, ''The Life of James Clerk Maxwell: With Selections from His Correspondence and Occasional Writings'' (1884) [https://books.google.com/books?id=B7gEAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA144 pp. 144-145,] and in Richard Glazebrook, ''James Clerk Maxwell and Modern Physics'' (1896) [https://books.google.com/books?id=hbcEAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA39 pp. 39-40.]

* True Work is the necessity of poor humanity's earthly condition. The dignity is in leisure. Besides, '''99 hundreths of all the work done in the world is either foolish and unnecessary, or harmful and wicked.'''
** [[Herman Melville]], in a letter to Catherine G. Lansing (5 September 1877), published in ''The Melville Log : A Documentary Life of Herman Melville, 1819-1891'' (1951) by Jay Leyda, Vol. 2, p. 765.

* Man hath his daily work of body or mind&lt;br&gt;Appointed.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IV, line 618.

* The work under our labour grows&lt;br&gt;Luxurious by restraint.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IX, line 208.

* '''It is assumed by most people nowadays that all work is useful, and by most ''well-to-do'' people that all work is desirable.''' Most people, well-to-do or not, believe that, even when a man is doing work which appears to be useless, he is earning his livelihood by it — he is &quot;employed,&quot; as the phrase goes; and most of those who are well-to-do cheer on the happy worker with congratulations and praises, if he is only &quot;industrious&quot; enough and deprives himself of all pleasure and holidays — in the sacred cause of labour. '''In short, it has become an article of the creed of modern morality that all labour is good in itself — a convenient belief to those who live on the labour of others.''' But as to those on whom they live, I recommend them not to take it on trust, but to look into the matter a little deeper.
** [[William Morris]], &quot;Useful Work vs Useless Toil&quot; (1885); later published in ''Signs of Change : Seven Lectures, Delivered on Various Occasions'' (1896).

* '''It is of the nature of man, when he is not diseased, to take pleasure in his work under certain conditions.''' And, yet, we must say in the teeth of the hypocritical praise of all labour, whatsoever it may be, of which I have made mention, that there is some labour which is so far from being a blessing that it is a curse; that it would be better for the community and for the worker if the latter were to fold his hands and refuse to work, and either die or let us pack him off to the workhouse or prison — which you will.&lt;br&gt;'''Here, you see, are two kinds of work — one good, the other bad; one not far removed from a blessing, a lightening of life; the other a mere curse, a burden to life.'''&lt;br&gt;What is the difference between them, then ? This: one has hope in it, the other has not. '''It is manly to do the one kind of work, and manly also to refuse to do the other.'''
** [[William Morris]], &quot;Useful Work vs Useless Toil&quot; (1885); later published in ''Signs of Change : Seven Lectures, Delivered on Various Occasions'' (1896).

* In his discussion on [[slavery]] [[Aristotle]] said that when the shuttle wove by itself and the [[w:Plectrum|plectrum]] played by itself chief workmen would not need helpers nor masters slaves. At the time he wrote, he believed that he was establishing the eternal validity of slavery; but for us today he was in reality justifying the existence of the [[machine]]. Work, it is true, is the constant form of man's interaction with his environment, if by work one means the sum total of exertions necessary to maintain life; and the lack of work usually means an impairment of function and a breakdown in organic relationship that leads to substitute forms of work, such as invalidism and neurosis. But work in the form of unwilling drudgery or of that sedentary routine which... the Athenians so properly despised—work in these forms is the true province of machines. Instead of reducing human beings to work-mechanisms, we can now transfer the main part of burden to automatic machines. This potentially... is perhaps the largest justification of the mechanical developments of the last thousand years.
** [[Lewis Mumford]], ''Technics and Civilization'' (1934)

==N==
* Early to bed,&lt;br&gt;Early to rise,&lt;br&gt;Work like hell —&lt;br&gt;And advertise!
** &quot;Old slogan&quot; quoted in ''The National Provisioner'', Vol. 44 (June 1911), p. 35; this has since become misattributed to many people who might have quoted it.

*Democratic presidential hopeful [[Joe Biden]] unveiled a $2 trillion energy plan Tuesday with a heavy focus on the [[Green New Deal]] agenda... Speaking in Wilmington, Del., Biden promised a “clean energy revolution,” which he said would deliver millions of jobs... Biden detailed what he called a pro-union platform that would replace the US government’s car fleet with American-made electric vehicles... The former veep on Tuesday promised to “create millions of high-paying union jobs by building a modern infrastructure and a clean energy future” and described his vision of a US covered in 500,000 electric car charging stations and thriving factories producing green products.
**[https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ ''New York Post,'' Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda, by Ebony Bowden], (14 July 2020)

* Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Human, All Too Human'' (1878)

* Looking for work in order to be paid: in civilized countries today almost all men are at one in doing that. For all of them work is a means and not an end in itself. Hence they are not very refined in their choice of work, if only it pays well. But there are, if only rarely, men who would rather perish than work without any pleasure in their work. They are choosy, hard to satisfy, and do not care for ample rewards, if the work itself is not to be the reward of rewards. Artists and contemplative men of all kinds belong to this rare breed, but so do even those men of leisure who spend their lives hunting, traveling, or in love affairs and adventures. All of these desire work and misery only if it is associated with pleasure, and the hardest, most difficult work if necessary. Otherwise their idleness is resolute, even if it spells impoverishment, dishonor, and danger to life and limb. They do not fear boredom as much as work without pleasure.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'' (1882), [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|W. Kaufmann]], trans, § 42.

* I propose a new approach that will make it more attractive to go to work than to go on welfare, and will establish a nationwide minimum payment to dependent families with children. I propose that the Federal government pay a [[basic income]] to those American families who cannot care for themselves in whichever State they live. ... I propose that we make available an addition to the incomes of the &quot;working poor,&quot; to encourage them to go on working, and to eliminate the possibility of making more from welfare than from wages. 
** [[Richard Nixon]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=2194 Special Message to the Congress on Reform of the Nation's Welfare System] (11 August 1969)

==O==
* Artificial intelligence is here and it is accelerating, and you're going to have driverless cars, and you're going to have more and more automated services, and that's going to make the job of giving everybody work that is meaningful, tougher and we're going to have to be more imaginative, and the pact of [[change]] is going to require us to do more fundamental reimagining of our social and political arrangements, to protect the economic security and the dignity that comes with a job. It's not just money that a job provides; it provides dignity and structure and a sense of place and a sense of purpose. And so we're going to have to consider new ways of thinking about these problems, like a [[universal income]], review of our workweek, how we retrain our young people, how we make everybody an entrepreneur at some level. But we're going to have to worry about economics if we want to get democracy back on track.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''[https://www.npr.org/2018/07/17/629862434/transcript-obamas-speech-at-the-2018-nelson-mandela-annual-lecture 2018 Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture]'' [speech] (17 July 2018)

* I found it hard working really long hours when I was my own boss. The boss kept giving me the afternoon off.
** [[w:John O'Farrell|John O'Farrell]]{{Disambiguation needed}}, ''The Best a Man Can Get'' (1999).

[[File:Charles peguy.jpg|thumb|right|Towards this fine honor of a trade converged all the finest, all the most noble sentiments—dignity, pride. ... In those days a workman did not know what it was to solicit. It is the [[bourgeoisie]] who, turning the workmen into bourgeois, have taught them to solicit. ~ [[Charles Péguy]]]]
==P==
* Questioning global stereotypes on economic responses to [[globalisation]], I argue that labour becomes actively involved in the very ''process'' of globalisation and the [[w:Growth capital|expansion of capital]]. [...] Although it would seem a simple proposition to suggest that working class people and their organisations affect the ways in which the landscapes of capitalism are made, until recently, there has been little work, even within economic geography, addressing this issue.
** [[Neethi Padmanabhan]], ''[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263155852_Globalisation_Lived_Locally_A_Labour_Geography_Perspective_on_Control_Conflict_and_Response_among_Workers_in_Kerala Globalisation Lived Locally: A Labour Geography Perspective on Control, Conflict and Response among Workers in Kerala]'', 2012, at {{w|ResearchGate}}

* Low labour cost, along with ﬂexibility in labour use, has become a key source of competitive advantage for ﬁrms. As external competition intensiﬁes, the domestic industry has come under great pressure to restructure itself, to become more competitive and to adopt ﬂexible policies with regard to production and labour. With a view to increasing global competitiveness, investors are moving more towards countries that either have low labour costs, or are shifting to informal employment arrangements. These [[change]]s create an entirely different political-economic environment for workers around the world. Greater international mobility of capital relative to labour puts workers from a given location at an immediate disadvantage, both in terms of bargaining power with the owners of capital (whose threat to move gains greater credibility) and with respect to the State&lt;!--(Milberg 2004)--&gt;. Thus the removal of domestic entry barriers and movement of capital to areas of cheap labour have caused intensiﬁcation of domestic competition in many developing countries— especially those with surplus labour supply and those where labour is a major factor of production. This has been accentuated by potential investors citing the lack of ﬂexibility in hiring and laying off workers as a concern, while targeting a developing country in which to invest. [...] [[Optimism]] with regard to labour as an agency of social progress has been replaced by pessimism that sees little prospect of workers acting on their own behalf.
** [[Neethi Padmanabhan]], ''[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263155852_Globalisation_Lived_Locally_A_Labour_Geography_Perspective_on_Control_Conflict_and_Response_among_Workers_in_Kerala Globalisation Lived Locally: A Labour Geography Perspective on Control, Conflict and Response among Workers in Kerala]'', 2012, at {{w|ResearchGate}}

*All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
** Jack Torrance played by Jack Nicholson, [[The Shining (film)|The Shining]] screenplay by Stanley Kubrick and Diane Johnson

* Religious people must be brought to a vivid realization of their awful guilt in sanctioning and supporting an economic system that is the direct antithesis of their religious ideals.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Individualism and Socialism'' (1933)

* Pride in one’s work carries with it a determination to accept the demands imposed by that work: in the case of philosophy to follow the argument where it leads, in the case of history to discover what actually happened, in the case of literature to explore to its depths a particular theme. In consequence, this sort of pride demands freedom: it has to be laid low in any authoritarian State. The historian, in such a system, has to conform to official interpretations of the past, the philosopher to dogmas, the writer to stereotypes of human action, the craftsman to “production-schedules.” More subtly, attempts are made to lay pride low in a consumer’s society: the film-director, the novelist, the craftsman are called upon to produce “what will sell” at whatever cost to their pride in workmanship.
** [[John Passmore]], ''The Perfectibility of Man'' (1971), p. 290

*A man succeeds in completing a work only when his qualities transcend that work.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1940-08-14}}

* These bygone workmen did not serve, they worked. They had an absolute honor, which is honor proper. A chair rung had to be well made. That was an understood thing. That was the first thing. It wasn’t that the chair rung had to be well made for the salary or on account of the salary. It wasn’t that it was well made for the boss, nor for connoisseurs, nor for the boss’ clients. It had to be well made itself, in itself, for itself, in its very self. A tradition coming, springing from deep within the race, a history, an absolute, an honor, demanded that this chair rung be well made. Every part of the chair which could not be seen was just as perfectly made as the parts which could be seen. The was the selfsame principal of cathedrals. … There was no question of being seen or of not being seen. It was the innate being of work which needed to be well done.
** [[Charles Péguy]], ''Basic Verities'', A. &amp; J. Green, trans. (New York: 1943), pp. 82-85

* Towards this fine honor of a trade converged all the finest, all the most noble sentiments—dignity, pride. Never ask anything of anyone, they used to say. … In those days a workman did not know what it was to solicit. It is the bourgeoisie who, turning the workmen into bourgeois, have taught them to solicit.
** [[Charles Péguy]], ''Basic Verities'', A. &amp; J. Green, trans. (New York: 1943), p. 83.

* Don't sacrifice your life to work and ideals. The most important things in life are human relations. I found that out too late.
** {{w|Katharine Susannah Prichard}}, as quoted in ''100 Great Australians'' (1983) by Robert Macklin.

* The man who by his labour gets &lt;br /&gt; &amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; His bread, in independent state, &lt;br /&gt; Who never begs, and seldom eats, &lt;br /&gt; &amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; Himself can fix or change his fate.
** [[Matthew Prior]] (1664–1721), ''The Old Gentry'' (posthumous), St. 5.

* The trouble with Opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.
** {{w|Herbert V. Prochnow}}, ''1001 Ways to Improve your Conversation &amp; Speeches?'' (1952).

* To depend on another's nod for a livelihood, is a sad destiny.
** [[Publius Syrus]], ''The Moral Sayings of Publius Syrus'', # 501

[[File:Teslathinker.jpg |thumb|Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine. ~ [[Nikola Tesla]]]]

[[File:A Wilde time 3.jpg|thumb|right|We live in the age of the overworked, and the under-educated; the age in which people are so industrious that they become absolutely stupid. ~ [[Oscar Wilde]]]]
[[File:THE WOMEN'S WORK IN THE WAR INDUSTRY, 1914-1918 Q109920.jpg|thumb|It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit. ~ [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]] ]] '''
[[File:John Howard Yoder, 1971 (6215609410).jpg|thumb|Let us reserve our limited creativity for functions that will not be taken care of if we do not to it. ~ [[John Howard Yoder]]]]
[[File:William Edmonson.jpg|thumb|The land belongs to those who work it with their hands. ~ [[Emiliano Zapata]] ]] 
==R==
[[File:John_Henry-27527.jpg|thumb|Modern technique has made it possible for leisure, within limits, to be not the prerogative of small privileged classes, but a right evenly distributed throughout the community. The morality of work is the morality of slaves, and the modern world has no need of slavery. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]]
[[File:1927 Boris Bilinski (1900-1948) Plakat für den Film Metropolis, Staatliche Museen zu Berlin.jpg|thumb|It is clear that mechanistic, biologically unsatisfying work is a product of the widespread mechanistic view of life and the machine civilization. Can the biologic function of work be reconciled with the social function of work? This is possible, but firmly entrenched ideas and institutions must be radically corrected first. &lt;br&gt; The craftsman of the nineteenth century still had a full relationship to the product of his work. But when, as in a Ford factory, a worker has to perform one and the same manipulation year in and year out, always working on one detail and never the product as a whole, it is out of the question to speak of satisfying work. The specialized and mechanized division of labour, together with the system of paid labour in general, produce the effect that the working man has no relationship to the [[machine]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
* Did you get your [[money]] by fraud? By pandering to men’s vices or men’s stupidity? By catering to fools, in the hope of getting more than your ability deserves? By lowering your standards? By doing work you despise for purchasers you scorn? If so, then your money will not give you a moment’s or a penny’s worth of joy. Then all the things you buy will become, not a tribute to you, but a reproach; not an achievement, but a reminder of shame. Then you’ll scream that money is evil.
** [[Ayn Rand]], Francisco d’Anconia in ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'' (New York: 1992), p. 384.

* Work is the basis of man’s social existence. This is stressed by every social theory. In this respect, however, the problem is not that work is the basis of human existence. The problem relates to the nature of work: Is it in opposition to or in harmony with the biologic needs of masses of people? Marx’s economic theory proved that everything that is produced in the way of economic values comes about through the expenditure of man’s living working power, and not through the expenditure of dead material.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10.

* It is clear that mechanistic, biologically unsatisfying work is a product of the widespread mechanistic view of life and the machine civilization. Can the biologic function of work be reconciled with the social function of work? This is possible, but firmly entrenched ideas and institutions must be radically corrected first. &lt;br&gt; The craftsman of the nineteenth century still had a full relationship to the product of his work. But when, as in a Ford factory, a worker has to perform one and the same manipulation year in and year out, always working on one detail and never the product as a whole, it is out of the question to speak of satisfying work. The specialized and mechanized division of labour, together with the system of paid labour in general, produce the effect that the working man has no relationship to the [[machine]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 287.

* Only when one is objectively and intimately related to one’s work is one capable of comprehending just how destructive the dictatorial and formal democratic forms of work are, not only for work itself but also for the [[pleasure]] of work. When a man takes pleasure in his work, we call his relationship to it ‘libidinous’. Since work and sexuality (in both the strict and broad senses of the word) are intimately interwoven, man’s relationship to work is also a question of the sex-economy of masses of people. The hygiene of the work process is dependent upon the way masses of people use and gratify their biologic energy. Work and sexuality derive from the same biologic energy.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 293.

* The relationship between the worker’s [[sexual]] life and the performance of his work is of decisive importance. It is not as if work diverted sexual energy from gratification, so that the more one worked the less need one would have for sexual gratification. The opposite of this is the case: The more gratifying one’s sexual life is, the more fulfilling and pleasurable is one ’s work, if all external conditions are fulfilled. Gratified sexual energy is spontaneously converted into an interest in work and an urge for activity. In contrast to this, one’s work is disturbed in various ways if one’s sexual need is not gratified and is suppressed. Hence, a basic principle of the work hygiene of a work-democratic society is: It is necessary to establish not only the best external conditions of work, but also to create the inner biologic preconditions to allow the fullest unfolding of the biologic urge for activity. Hence, the safeguarding of a completely satisfying sexual life for the working masses is the most important precondition of pleasurable work. In any society the degree to which work kills the joy of life, the degree to which it is represented as a [[duty]] (whether to a ‘fatherland’, the ‘proletariat’, the ‘nation’ or whatever other names these [[illusions]] may have), is a sure yardstick on which to measure the anti-[[democratic]] character of the [[ruling class]] of this [[society]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 295.

* The working [[men]] and [[women]] who [[think]] and [[act]] in a work-[[democratic]] way do not come out against the [[politician]]. It is not his fault or his intention that the practical result of his work exposes the illusionary and irrational character of politics. Those who are engaged in [[practical]] work, regardless what field they are in, are intensely concerned with practical tasks in the improvement of [[life]]. Those who are engaged in practical work are not against one thing or another. It is only the politician who, having no practical tasks is always against and never for something. Politics in general is characterized by this ‘being against’ one thing or another. That which is productive in a practical way is not accomplished by politicians, but by working men and women, whether it is in accord with the politicians’ [[ideologies]] or not.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 11, p. 368.

* For centuries on end it has been precisely vitally necessary work that the political [[ideology]] of the ruling but nonworking classes has depreciated. On the other hand, it has represented non-work as a sign of noble blood. All [[socialist]] ideologies reacted to this appraisal with a mechanistic and rigid reversal of valuations. The socialists conceived of ‘work’ as relating solely to those activities that had been looked down upon in feudalism, i.e., essentially to manual labour; whereas the activity of the ruling classes was represented as non-work. To be sure, this mechanical reversal of ideologic valuations was wholly in keeping with the political concept of the two economically and personally sharply demarcated [[social classes]], the ruling and the ruled. From a purely [[economic]] point of view, society could indeed be divided into ‘those who possessed [[capital]]’ and ‘those who possessed the commodity, working power’ . From the point of view of bio-sociology, however, there could be no clear-cut division between one class and another, neither [[ideologically]] nor [[psychologically]], and certainly not on the basis of work. The discovery of the fact that the ideology of a group of people does not necessarily have to coincide with its economic situation, indeed, that economic and ideologic situation are often sharply opposed to one another, enabled us to understand the [[fascist]] movement, which had remained uncomprehended until then. In 1930 it became dear that there is a ‘cleavage’ between ideology and economy, and that the ideology of a certain class can develop into a social force, a social force that is not confined to that one class.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 11, p. 383

* For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], in ''[[w:Letters to a Young Poet|Letters to a Young Poet]]'' (1934) Letter Seven (14 May 1904).

* When men are rightly occupied, their amusement grows out of their work, as the colour-petals out of a fruitful flower;—when they are faithfully helpful and compassionate, all their emotions become steady, deep, perpetual, and vivifying to the soul as the natural pulse to the body. But now, having no true business, we pour our whole masculine energy into the false business of money-making; and having no true emotion, we must have false emotions dressed up for us to play with, not innocently, as children with dolls, but guiltily and darkly.
** [[John Ruskin]], “Sesame and Lilies” (1865)

* '''Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so. The first kind is unpleasant and ill paid; the second is pleasant and highly paid.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.zpub.com/notes/idle.html In Praise of Idleness]'' (1932).

* Modern technique has made it possible for leisure, within limits, to be not the prerogative of small privileged classes, but a right evenly distributed throughout the community. The morality of work is the morality of slaves, and the modern world has no need of slavery.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.zpub.com/notes/idle.html In Praise of Idleness]'' (1932).

* A narcissist, for example, inspired by the homage paid to great painters, may become an art student; but, as painting is for him a mere means to an end, the technique never becomes interesting … The result is failure and disappointment, with ridicule instead of the expected adulation. … All serious success in work depends upon some genuine interest. … Consequently, the man whose sole concern with the world is that is shall admire him is not likely to achieve his object.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The Conquest of Happiness'', p. 20

==S==
[[File:Solon.jpg|thumb|You made your rulers mighty, gave them guards, so now you groan 'neath slavery's heavy rod. ~ [[Solon|Solon of Athens]]]]
[[File:John_Lancaster_Spalding.png|thumb|The work whereby men gain a livelihood involves mental and moral mutilation, unless it be done in the spirit of religion and culture. ~ [[John Lancaster Spalding]]]]
* '''I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth and never cherishes any memory except the face of the woman on the American silver dollar.'''&lt;br&gt;I ask you to come through and show me where you're pouring out the blood of your life.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;To a Contemporary Bunkshooter&quot;, ''Chicago Poems'' (1916), p. 63.

* What would you do if your country's welfare depended on labor? When a ship is in a storm it requires one captain.
** [[Fritz Sauckel]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 9, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History (2004), p. 209.

* '''When I was young I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures, so I did ten times more work.'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], as quoted in ''Appropriate Technology : A Focus for the Nineties'' (1991) by Robert William Stevens.

* Nobody would work for starvation [[wages]] if he were not in a situation in which he preferred such wages to not working at all.
** [[Georg Simmel]], ''The Philosophy of Money'' (1907).

* Have you beheld a man skillful in his work? Before kings is where he will station himself; he will not station himself before commonplace men.
**[[Solomon]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/pr/chapter_022.htm Proverbs 22: 29]

* You made your rulers mighty, gave them guards,&lt;br/&gt;So now you groan 'neath slavery's heavy rod.
** [[Solon|Solon of Athens]], as reported by [[Diogenes Laërtius]] (trans. [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C. D. Yonge]]) ''The Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers'' (1853), &quot;Solon&quot;, sect. 5, p. 25.

* We have lost the old love of work, of work which kept itself company, which was fair weather and music in the heart, which found its reward in the doing, craving neither the flattery of vulgar eyes nor the gold of vulgar men.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 21.

* The work whereby men gain a livelihood involves mental and moral mutilation, unless it be done in the spirit of religion and culture.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 59

* Things may be traded in the city but it is the fisherman who brings in the food supply.
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.01.html Collection I] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Work is valued by the social value of the worker.
** [[Gloria Steinem]], ''Moving Beyond Words'' (1994), Part 5.

* The men at the factory are old and cunning
:You don't owe nothing, so boy get running
:It's the best years of your life they want to steal.
:* [[Joe Strummer]], “Clampdown” (1979)

* Understanding how the [[w:Agricultural revolution|agricultural revolution]] transformed [[human]] [[societies]] was once no more than a question of [[intellectual]] [[curiosity]]. Now, though, it has taken on a more [[practical]] and [[urgent]] aspect. Many of the [[challenges]] created by the agricultural revolution, such as the [[problem]] of [[w:Scarcity|scarcity]], have largely been solved by [[technology]] – yet our preoccupation with hard work and unrestrained [[economic growth]] remains undimmed.
:* [[James Suzman]], [https://www.theguardian.com/inequality/2017/dec/05/how-neolithic-farming-sowed-the-seeds-of-modern-inequality-10000-years-ago “How Neolithic farming sowed the seeds of modern inequality 10,000 years ago”], ''The Guardian'', (5 Dec, 2017).

* I just don't understand the world's unhealthy obsession with work. Its all about vanity anyway. Ooh, look how hard I worked! And what a good work I did. Well screw you, workie. Get lost. Shut up. We're trying to listen to records here.
** {{w|John Swartzwelder}}, ''Detective Made Easy'' (2013)

==T==
* I suddenly felt insecure and feared becoming an employee of some firm that would turn me into a corporate slave with &quot;work ethics&quot; (whenever I hear the word ''work ethics'' I interpret ''inefficient mediocrity'').
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets'' (2001) Seven: The Problem of Induction | Sir Karl's Promoting Agent

* ''Laborare est orare''. [To work is to pray.] By the Puritan moralist the ancient maxim is repeated with a new and intenser significance. The labor which he idealizes is not simply a requirement imposed by nature, or a punishment for the sin of Adam. It is itself a kind of [[asceticism|ascetic]] discipline, more rigorous than that demanded of any order of [[w:Mendicant|mendicants]]—a discipline imposed by the will of God, and to be undergone, not in solitude, but in the punctual discharge of secular duties. It is not merely an economic means, to be laid aside when physical needs have been satisfied. It is a spiritual end, for in it alone can the soul find health, and it must be continued as an ethical duty long after it has ceased to be a material necessity.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''Religion and the Rise of Capitalism'' (1926), p. 242

* I am credited with being one of the hardest workers and perhaps I am, if thought is the equivalent of labour, for I have devoted to it almost all of my waking hours. But if work is interpreted to be a definite performance in a specified time according to a rigid rule, then I may be the worst of idlers. Every effort under compulsion demands a sacrifice of life-energy. I never paid such a price. On the contrary, I have thrived on my thoughts.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], in [http://www.tfcbooks.com/tesla/1919-00-00.htm &quot;My Inventions&quot;] first published in ''Electrical Experimenter'' magazine (1919); republished as ''My Inventions : The Autobiography of Nikola Tesla'' (1983).

* Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], on patent controversies regarding the [[w:Invention of radio|invention of Radio]] and other things, as quoted in &quot;A Visit to Nikola Tesla&quot; by Dragislav L. Petkovic in ''Politika'' (April 1927);&lt;!-- Perhaps from an interview in January 1927 --&gt; as quoted in ''Tesla, Master of Lightning'' (1999) by Margaret Cheney, Robert Uth, and Jim Glenn, p. 73 &lt;!-- Barnes &amp; Noble Publishing --&gt; &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0760710058}} &lt;/small&gt; ; also in ''Tesla: Man Out of Time'' (2001) by Margaret Cheney, p. 230 &lt;!-- Simon and Schuster --&gt;&lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0743215362}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The scientific man does not aim at an immediate result. He does not expect that his advanced ideas will be readily taken up. His work is like that of the planter — for the future. His duty is to lay the foundation for those who are to come, and point the way. He lives and labors and hopes.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], &quot;Radio Power Will Revolutionize the World&quot;, ''Modern Mechanics and Inventions'' (July 1934).

* This world is a place of business. What an infinite bustle! ... It would be glorious to see mankind at [[leisure]] for once. It is nothing but work, work, work. I cannot easily buy a blank-book to write thoughts in; they are commonly ruled for dollars and cents. ... If a man was tossed out of a window when an infant, and so made a cripple for life, … it is regretted chiefly because he was thus incapacitated for—business! I think there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to [[poetry]], to [[philosophy]], ay, to life itself, than this incessant business.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], “Life without Principle,” 1.4

* Drive a nail home and clinch it so faithfully that you can wake up in the night and think of your work with satisfaction,—a work at which you would not be ashamed to invoke the Muse.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], ''Walden'', chapter 18, p. 436 (1966). Originally published in 1854.

* It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about?
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], letter to Harrison Blake (16 November 1857).

* Nothing tends to materialize man and to deprive his work of the faintest trace of mind more than the extreme [[division of labor]].
** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], Democracy in America, vol. 1, chapter 18 (1835).

* Work consists of whatever a [[body]] is OBLIGED to do, and...[[Play]] consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[[w:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer|The Adventures of Tom Sawyer]]'' (1876), Ch. 2.

==V==
*''Il est bien malaisé (puisqu’il faut enfin m’expliquer) d’ôter à des insensés des chaînes qu’ils révèrent.''
** '''It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.'''
*** [[Voltaire]], ''Le dîner du comte de Boulainvilliers'' (1767): Troisième Entretien

==W==
* The bourgeoisie first betrayed society through capitalism and finance, and now labor betrays it by embracing a scheme of things which sees profit only, not duty and honor, in work. This view will seem hopelessly unrealistic to those who do not admit that sentiment toward the whole is the only ultimate means of measuring value.
** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 75

* The idea that work is something apportioned out by men leaves people discontent with their portion and dubious about whether work is a good thing at all. … The ancient injunction to labor fades when we regard our work as cut out for us by men, who, by present dogma, are no better than ourselves. That curious modern [[wikt:hypostatization|hypostatization]] “service” is often called in to substitute for the now incomprehensible doctrine of vocation. It tries to secure subordination by hypothesizing something larger than the self, which turns out, however, to be only a multitude of selfish selves. The familiar change from quality to quantity may again be noted; one serves not the higher part of the self (this entails hierarchy) … but merely consumer demand. And who admires those at the top of a hierarchy of consumption? Man as a consuming animal is thus seen to be not enough.
** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 77

* Labor in this country is independent and proud. It has not to ask the patronage of [[capital]], but capital solicits the aid of labor.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''A discourse, delivered at Plymouth, December 22, 1820. In commemoration of the first settlement of New-England''.

* They are usually denominated labor-saving machines, but it would be more just to call them labor-doing machines.
** [[Daniel Webster]], remarks in the Senate (March 12, 1838); ''The Writings and Speeches of Daniel Webster'' (1903), vol. 8, p. 177.

*America has lost more than 12 million jobs in the last six months. An estimated 12 million people have lost their employer-sponsored health insurance during the worst pandemic in a century. Tens of millions report not having enough to eat. But one month ago, tens of millions of unemployed Americans lost... a $600 weekly federal unemployment insurance benefit that Congress failed to renew... How can this happen in a democracy? This is a question that everyone who works for a living... might want to consider on this Labor Day... If the facts of this political disaster were more widely known and understood, Republicans could lose not only the presidency but also the Senate in November. After all, millions of unemployed Republicans lost most of their income as a result of what their political party...did... Republican senators repeatedly expressed worries that the unemployment benefits created a &quot;disincentive to work.&quot; But economists have found no evidence of this; on the contrary, millions of workers who were receiving these benefits returned to work in May through July, and there are more than 11 million more workers and there are more than 11 million more workers unemployed than there are job openings.
**[[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://www.timesfreepress.com/news/opinion/times-commentary/story/2020/sep/06/weisbrot-whour-government-doing-labor/531611/ What is our government doing to labor?], [[w:Chattanooga Times Free Press|Times Free Press]], (6 September 2020)

* [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul's]] ... [[w:He who does not work, neither shall he eat|no-work-no-eat doctrine]] was directed by him only against the poor. All around him were the rich, virginally innocent of toil, and yet who were gorged to the gullet.
** [[Bouck White]], ''The Call of the Carpenter'' (1914), p. 238

* We live in the age of the overworked, and the under-educated; the age in which people are so industrious that they become absolutely stupid.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], Gilbert, in ''The Critic as Artist'', pt. 2 (1891)

==Y==
* If we expand the notion of work, which is something that a [[universal basic income]] would help us do, it would begin to compensate parents and caregivers; it would begin to recognize different forms of work.
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=43m59s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 43:59 (20 August 2018)

* [A universal basic income] would be one of the greatest catalysts to entrepreneurship and creativity we have ever seen, and I've worked with hundreds of entrepreneurs over the years. We have to put more Americans in position to do work that they value [[essentially|intrinsically]], instead of as a necessary means to [[survival]].
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=47m54s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 47:54 (20 August 2018)

* If you care about children, then [UBI] is the best way to make household and families stronger; if you care about women and economic empowerment, this is a way to make it so that women can walk away from abusive or exploitative employers; if you care about communities of color, they would benefit much more proportionally from a thousand dollars a month than other communities, because they have lower access to various jobs and opportunities. This is the way that we can reform society in a way that actually serves all of our goals, our collective goals. And at least one study showed that if you would alleviate [[child poverty]], you would increase GDP by 700 billion dollars, because of better health outcomes, [[Education|educational]] outcomes, higher worker [[productivity]], better [[mental health]]... We have to start investing in our [[people]], intrinsically. 
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=53m30s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 53:30 (20 August 2018)

*We have to say &quot;we are the citizens and owners and stakeholders of this society, we can vote ourselves a dividend, and it's up to us to build an economy that serves us, because... this economy is not designed to serve human beings. It is designed to serve [[Capitalism|capital efficiency]]. And for a long time, that also served human beings, but increasingly it's going to be that having lots of humans working for a company is irrelevant, or even negative, for [[Profit|corporate success]]. And we can see this by the fact that '''94% of the new jobs created since 2005 to 2015, were [[W:gig economy|gig economy]], temp and contractor jobs, because the employer said &quot;you know what? I'd rather not have a full-time employee, I'd rather not pay health care benefits&quot;, and that's why so many Americans right now are in that position.''' So we have to start recognizing that the economy is changing for good, and that it's up to us, the citizens of this country, to rewrite the rules the economy to serve us. We have to make the market serve us, and not have us all be [[slaves]] to the market, because the market is not going to care one whit about [[Working class|us]] increasingly over time.
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=53m30s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 53:30 (20 August 2018)

* '''It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit.'''
** [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]], as quoted in ''The Team Selling Solution : Creating and Managing Teams That Win'' (2003) by Steve Waterhouse, p. 51.

* Jesus once said that the dead should let to bury the dead (Luke 9:60). This shows no disrespect for the dead. It shows an awareness that there are some functions in society that will be well taken care of without Christians investing their creativity in those functions. Someone else, in meeting such needs, can make a stable living. Burying the dead is still one of the businesses in which you can make a stable living. There are other such services that we can count on society handling by itself. Leadership in government and business are among these. Let us reserve our limited creativity for functions that will not be taken care of if we do not to it.
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''Radical Christian Discipleship'' (2012), p. 41

==Z==
* ''La tierra es de quien la trabaja con sus manos.''
** '''The land belongs to those who work it with their hands.'''
*** [[Emiliano Zapata]], quoted as a slogan of the revolutionaries in ''Shirt-Sleeve Diplomat'' (1947) Vol. 5, p. 199, by Josephus Daniels, and specifically attributed to Zapata by Ángel Zúñiga in 1998, as quoted in ''Mexican Social Movements and the Transition to Democracy'' (2005), by John Stolle-McAllister

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 907-11.&lt;/small&gt;

* Labour in vain; or coals to Newcastle.
** Anon. In a sermon to the people of Queen-Hith. Advertised in the Daily Courant, Oct. 6, 1709. Published in Paternoster Row, London. &quot;Coals to Newcastle,&quot; or &quot;from Newcastle,&quot; found in Heywood—If you Know Not Me, Part II. (1606). Gaunt—Bills of Mortality. (1661). Middleton—Phœnix, Act I, scene 5. R. Thoresby—Correspondence. Letter June 29, 1682. Owls to Athens. (Athenian coins were stamped with the owl.) Aristophanes—Aves. 301. Diogenes Laertius—Lives of Eminent Philosophers. Plato, XXXII. You are importing pepper into Hindostan. From the Bustan of Sadi.

* ''Qui laborat, orat.''
** He who labours, [[Prayer|prays]].
** Attr. to [[St. Augustine]].

* When Adam dolve, and Eve span,&lt;br&gt;Who was then the gentleman?
** Lines used by John Ball in Wat Tyler's Rebellion. See Hume, ''History of England'', Volume I, Chapter XVII. Note 8. So Adam reutte, und Eva span, Wer war da ein eddelman? (Old German saying).

* ''Qui orat et laborat, cor levat ad Deum cum manibus.''
** He who prays and labours lifts his heart to God with his hands.
** [[St. Bernard]], ''Ad sororem''. A similar expression is found in the works of Gregory the Great—Moral in Libr. Job, Book XVIII. Also in Pseudo-Hieron, in Jerem., Thren. III. 41. See also &quot;What worship, for example, is there not in mere washing!&quot; Carlyle—Past and Present, Chapter XV., referring to &quot;Work is prayer&quot;.

* Tools were made and born were hands,&lt;br&gt;Every   understands.
** [[William Blake]], ''Proverbs''.

* ''Hâtez-vous lentement; et, sans perdre courage,&lt;br&gt;Vingt fois sur le métier remettez votre ouvrage.''
** Hasten slowly, and without losing heart, put your work twenty times upon the anvil.
** [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux]], ''L'Art Poétique'' (1674), I, 171.

* The dog that trots about finds a bone.
** [[George Borrow]], ''Bible in Spain'', Chapter XLVII. (Cited as a gipsy saying).

* The best verse hasn't been rhymed yet,&lt;br&gt; The best house hasn't been planned,&lt;br&gt;The highest peak hasn't been climbed yet,&lt;br&gt; The mightiest rivers aren't spanned;&lt;br&gt;Don't worry and fret, faint-hearted,&lt;br&gt; The chances have just begun&lt;br&gt;For the best jobs haven't been started,&lt;br&gt; The best work hasn't been done.
** [[Berton Braley]], ''No Chance''.

* Not all the labor of the earth&lt;br&gt;Is done by hardened hands.
** [[Will Carleton]], ''A Working Woman''.

* And yet without labour there were no ease, no rest, so much as conceivable.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Essays'', Characteristics.

* It is the first of all problems for a man to find out what kind of work he is to do in this universe.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], address at Edinburgh (1866).

* Genuine Work alone, what thou workest faithfully, that is eternal, as the Almighty Founder and World-Builder himself.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Past and Present'', Book II, Chapter XVII.

* All work, even cotton-spinning, is noble; work is alone noble.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Past and Present'', Book III, Chapter IV.

* With hand on the spade and heart in the sky&lt;br&gt; Dress the ground and till it;&lt;br&gt;Turn in the little seed, brown and dry,&lt;br&gt; Turn out the golden millet.&lt;br&gt;Work, and your house shall be duly fed:&lt;br&gt; Work, and rest shall be won;&lt;br&gt;I hold that a man had better be dead&lt;br&gt; Than alive when his work is done.
** [[Alice Cary]], ''Work''.

* They can expect nothing but their labor for their pains.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''{{w|Don Quixote}}'', Author's Preface. [[Edward Moore]], ''The Boy and the Rainbow''.

* Earned with the sweat of my brows.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Part I, Book I, Chapter 4.

* ''Quanto mas que cada uno es hijo de sus obras.
** The rather since every man is the son of his own works.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Book I, Chapter 4.

* Labor is discovered to be the grand conqueror, enriching and building up nations more surely than the proudest battles.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], ''War''.

* Each natural agent works but to this end,—&lt;br&gt;To render that it works on like itself.
** [[George Chapman]], ''Bussy d'Ambois'', Act III, scene 1.

* Ther n' is no werkman whatever he be,&lt;br&gt;That may both werken wel and hastily.&lt;br&gt;This wol be done at leisure parfitly.
** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''Canterbury Tales'', The Merchantes Tale, line 585.

* Nowher so besy a man as he ther was,&lt;br&gt;And yet he semed bisier than he was.
** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''Canterbury Tales'', Prologue, line 321.

* Let us take to our hearts a lesson—&lt;br&gt; No lesson could braver be—&lt;br&gt;From the ways of the tapestry weavers&lt;br&gt; On the other side of the sea.
** [[Anson G. Chester]], ''Tapestry Weavers''.

* ''Penelopæ telam retexens.''
** Unravelling the web of Penelope.
** [[Cicero]], ''Acad. Quæst'', Book IV. 29. 95.

* ''Vulgo enim dicitur, Jucundi acti labores: nec male Euripides: concludam, si potero, Latine: Græcum enim hunc versum nostis omnes: Suavis laborum est præteritorum memoria.''
** It is generally said, &quot;Past labors are pleasant,&quot; Euripides says, for you all know the Greek verse, &quot;The recollection of past labors is pleasant.&quot;
** [[Cicero]], ''De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum'', II. 32.

* ''Le fruit du travail est le plus doux des plaisirs.''
** The fruit derived from labor is the sweetest of pleasures.
** [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]], ''Réflexions'', 200.

* A truly American sentiment recognises the dignity of labor and the fact that honor lies in honest toil.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], letter accepting the nomination for President. Aug. 18, 1884.

* American labor, which is the [[capital]] of our workingmen.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], Annual Message. Dec., 1885.

* All Nature seems at work, slugs leave their lair—&lt;br&gt; The bees are stirring—birds are on the wing—&lt;br&gt;And Winter, slumbering in the open air,&lt;br&gt; Wears on his smiling face a dream of Spring!&lt;br&gt; And I the while, the sole unbusy thing,&lt;br&gt; Nor honey make, nor pair, nor build, nor sing.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Work Without Hope'', Stanza 1.

* Their work will be shown for what it is, because the [[Day of Judgement|Day]] will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work.
** [[First Epistle to the Corinthians|I Corinthians]] [[w:1 Corinthians 3|3]]:13, [[New International Version]]

* Each one’s work will become obvious. For the day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire; the fire will test the quality of each one’s work.

* Work thou for pleasure—paint or sing or carve&lt;br&gt;The thing thou lovest, though the body starve—&lt;br&gt;Who works for glory misses oft the goal;&lt;br&gt;Who works for money coins his very soul.&lt;br&gt;Work for the work's sake, then, and it may be&lt;br&gt;That these things shall be added unto thee.
** [[Kenyon Cox]], ''Our Motto''.

* When admirals extoll'd for standing still,&lt;br&gt;Of doing nothing with a deal of skill.
** [[William Cowper]], ''Table Talk'', line 192.

* Better to wear out than to rust out.
** [[Bishop Cumberland]], to one who urged him not to wear himself out with work. See Horne, ''Sermon on the Duty of Contending for the Truth''. Boswell, ''Tour to the Hebrides'', p. 18. Note. Said by George Whitefield, according to Southey, ''Life of Wesley'', II, p. 170. (Ed. 1858).

* Honest labour bears a lovely face.
** [[Thomas Dekker (writer)|Thomas Dekker]], ''Patient Grissell'' (1599), Act I, scene 1.

* The Lord had a job for me, but I had so much to do,&lt;br&gt;I said, &quot;You get somebody else—or wait till I get through.&quot;&lt;br&gt;I don't know how the Lord came out, but He seemed to get along:&lt;br&gt;But I felt kinda sneakin' like, 'cause I know'd I done Him wrong.&lt;br&gt;One day I needed the Lord—needed Him myself—needed Him right away,&lt;br&gt;And He never answered me at all, but I could hear Him say&lt;br&gt;Down in my accusin' heart, &quot;Nigger, I'se got too much to do,&lt;br&gt;You get somebody else or wait till I get through.&quot;
** [[Paul Laurence Dunbar]], ''The Lord had a Job''.

* All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.
** Quoted by [[Maria Edgeworth]], ''Henry and Lucy'', Volume II.

* 'Tis toil's reward, that sweetens industry,&lt;br&gt;As love inspires with strength the enraptur'd thrush.
** [[Ebenezer Elliot]], ''Corn Law Rhymes''. No. 7.

* Too busy with the crowded hour to fear to live or die.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Quatrains'', ''Nature''.

* A woman's work, grave sirs, is never done.
** Mr. [[Eusden]], ''Poem'', Spoken at a Cambridge Commencement.

* Labour itself is but a sorrowful song,&lt;br&gt;The protest of the weak against the strong.
** [[Frederick William Faber]], ''The Sorrowful World''.

* ''Chacun son métier;&lt;br&gt;Les vaches seront bien gardées.''
** Each one to his own trade; then would the cows be well cared for.
** [[Florian]], ''Le Vacher et le Garde-chasse''.

* A ploughman on his legs is higher than a gentleman on his knees.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* Handle your tools without mittens.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* Plough deep while sluggards sleep.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* &quot;Men work together,&quot; I told him from the heart,&lt;br&gt;&quot;Whether they work together or apart.&quot;
** [[Robert Frost]], ''Tuft of Flowers''.

* It is so far from being needless pains, that it may bring considerable profit, to carry Charcoals to Newcastle.
** [[Thomas Fuller]], ''Pisgah'', ''Sight of Palestine'' (Ed. 1650), p. 128. Worthies, p. 302. (Ed. 1661).

* In every rank, or great or small,&lt;br&gt;'Tis industry supports us all.
** [[John Gay]], ''Man, Cat, Dog, and Fly'', line 63.

* In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.
** [[Book of Genesis|Genesis]], III. 19.

* For as labor cannot produce without the use of land, the denial of the equal right to the use of land is necessarily the denial of the right of labor to its own produce.
** [[Henry George]], ''Progress and Poverty'', Book VII, Chapter I.

* ''So eine Arbeit wird eigentlich nie fertig; man muss sie für fertig erklären, wenn man nach Zeit und Umstand das Möglichste getan hat.''
** Properly speaking, such work is never finished; one must declare it so when, according to time and circumstances, one has done one's best.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Italienische Reise'' (March 16, 1787).

* How blest is he who crowns in shades like these,&lt;br&gt;A youth of labour with an age of ease.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Deserted Village'' (1770), line 99.

* He that well his warke beginneth&lt;br&gt;The rather a good ende he winneth.
** [[John Gower]], ''Confessio Amantis'' (c.1386–1393).

* ''Vitam perdidi laboricose agendo.''
** I have spent my life laboriously doing nothing.
** Quoted by [[Grotius]] on his death bed.

* A warke it ys as easie to be done&lt;br&gt;As tys to saye Jacke! robys on.
** {{w|James Halliwell-Phillipps}}, ''Archæological Dictionary''. Quoted from an old Play. See Grose—Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar tongue. Hudson, the English singer, made popular the refrain, &quot;Before ye could cry 'Jack Robinson.'&quot;

* Joy to the Toiler!—him that tills&lt;br&gt; The fields with Plenty crowned;&lt;br&gt;Him with the woodman's axe that thrills&lt;br&gt; The wilderness profound.
** [[Benjamin Hathaway]], ''Songs of the Toiler''.

* If little labour, little are our gaines:&lt;br&gt;Man's fortunes are according to his paines.
** [[Robert Herrick (poet)|Robert Herrick]], ''Hesperides'', ''No Paines, No Gaines''.

* Haste makes waste.
** [[John Heywood]], ''Proverbs'', Part I, Chapter II.

* The &quot;value&quot; or &quot;worth&quot; of a man is, as of all other things, his price; that is to say, so much as would be given for the use of his power.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''Leviathan'', Chapter X.

* To labour is the lot of man below;&lt;br&gt;And when Jove gave us life, he gave us woe.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book X, line 78. Pope's translation.

* Light is the task when many share the toil.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XII, line 493. Bryant's translation.

* Our fruitless labours mourn,&lt;br&gt;And only rich in barren fame return.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book X, line 46. Pope's translation.

* The fiction pleased; our generous train complies,&lt;br&gt;Nor fraud mistrusts in [[virtue]]'s fair disguise.&lt;br&gt;The work she plyed, but, studious of delay,&lt;br&gt;Each following night reversed the toils of day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXIV, line 164. Pope's translation.

* When Darby saw the setting sun&lt;br&gt;He swung his scythe, and home he run,&lt;br&gt;Sat down, drank off his quart and said,&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done, I'll go to bed.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done!&quot; retorted Joan,&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done! Your constant tone,&lt;br&gt;But hapless woman ne'er can say&lt;br&gt;'My work is done' till judgment day.&quot;
** [[St. John Honeywood]], ''Darby and Joan''.

* With fingers weary and worn,&lt;br&gt;With eyelids heavy and red,&lt;br&gt;A woman sat in unwomanly rags,&lt;br&gt;Plying her needle and thread.
** [[Thomas Hood]], ''Song of the Shirt''.

* Qui studet optatam cursu contingere metam&lt;br&gt;Multa tulit fecitque puer, sudavit et alsit.
** He who would reach the desired goal must, while a boy, suffer and labor much and bear both heat and cold.
** [[Horace]], ''Ars Poetica'' (18 BC), CCCCXII.

* ''O laborum&lt;br&gt;Dulce lenimen.''
** O sweet solace of labors.
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', I. 32. 14.

* ''In silvam ligna ferre.''
** To carry timber into the wood.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 10. 24.

* ''Facito aliquid operis, ut semper te diabolus inveniat occupatum.''
** Keep doing some kind of work, that the devil may always find you employed.
** [[St. Jerome]].

* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
** [[Jerome K. Jerome]], ''Three Men in a Boat'', Chapter XV.

* ''Cur quæris quietem, quam natus sis ad laborem?''
** Why seekest thou rest, since thou art born to labor?
** [[Thomas á Kempis]], ''De Imitatione Christi'', II. 10. 1.

* Tho' we earn our bread, Tom,&lt;br&gt; By the dirty pen,&lt;br&gt;What we can we will be,&lt;br&gt; Honest Englishmen.&lt;br&gt;Do the work that's nearest&lt;br&gt; Though it's dull at whiles,&lt;br&gt;Helping, when we meet them,&lt;br&gt; Lame dogs over stiles.
** [[Charles Kingsley]], Letter. To Thomas Hughes (1856), inviting Hughes and Tom Taylor to go fishing. See Memoirs of Kingsley, by his wife, Chapter XV.

* For men must work and women must weep,&lt;br&gt;And the sooner it's over the sooner to sleep,&lt;br&gt; And good-bye to the bar and its moaning.
** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''Three Fishers''.

* But till we are built like angels, with hammer and chisel and pen,&lt;br&gt;We will work for ourself and a woman, for ever and ever, Amen.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Imperial Rescript''.

* The gull shall whistle in his wake, the blind wave break in fire.&lt;br&gt;He shall fulfill God's utmost will, unknowing His desire,&lt;br&gt;And he shall see old planets pass and alien stars arise,&lt;br&gt;And give the gale his reckless sail in shadow of new skies.&lt;br&gt;Strong lust of gear shall drive him out and hunger arm his hand,&lt;br&gt;To wring his food from a desert nude, his foothold from the sand.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''The Fareloper (Interloper)''. Pub. in Century Magazine, April, 1909. First pub. in London Daily Telegraph, Jan. 1, 1909. Title given as Vortrekker in his Songs From Books.

* And only the Master shall praise us, and only the Master shall blame;&lt;br&gt;And no one shall work for money, and no one shall work for fame;&lt;br&gt;But each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,&lt;br&gt;Shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They Are!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''L'Envoi'', ''In Seven Seas''.

* And the Sons of Mary smile and are blessed—they know the angels are on their side;&lt;br&gt;They know in them is the Grace confessed, and for them are the Mercies multiplied;&lt;br&gt;They sit at the Feet, they hear the Word, they see how truly the Promise runs;&lt;br&gt;They have cast their burden upon the Lord, and—the Lord He lays it on Martha's Sons!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''The Sons of Mary''.

* Who first invented work, and bound the free&lt;br&gt;And holyday-rejoicing spirit down  *  *  *&lt;br&gt;To that dry drudgery at the desk's dead wood?  *  *  *&lt;br&gt;Sabbathless Satan!
** [[Charles Lamb]], ''Work''.

* The finest eloquence is that which gets things done; the worst is that which delays them.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], at the Conference of Paris (Jan., 1919).

* Unemployment, with its injustice for the man who seeks and thirsts for employment, who begs for labour and cannot get it, and who is punished for failure he is not responsible for by the starvation of his children—that torture is something that private enterprise ought to remedy for its own sake.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], speech (Dec. 6, 1919).

* The heights by great men reached and kept&lt;br&gt;Were not attained by sudden flight,&lt;br&gt;But they, while l heir companions slept,&lt;br&gt;Were toiling upward in the night.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Birds of Passage'', ''The Ladder of St. Augustine'', Stanza 10.

* Taste the joy&lt;br&gt;That springs from labor.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Masque of Pandora'', Part VI. In the Garden. &quot;From labor there shall come forth rest.&quot;--Longfellow—To a Child, line 162.

* Never idle a moment, but thrifty and thoughtful of others.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VIII, line 46.

* No man is born into the world whose work&lt;br&gt;Is not born with him; there is always work,&lt;br&gt;And tools to work withal, for those who will;&lt;br&gt;And blessed are the horny hands of toil!
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Glance Behind the Curtain'', line 202. &quot;Horny-handed sons of toil.&quot; Popularized by Denis Kearney (Big Denny), of San Francisco.

* ''Labor est etiam ipsa voluptas.''
** Labor is itself a pleasure.
** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', IV. 155.

* How bething the, gentliman,&lt;br&gt; How Adam dalf, and Eve span.
** Manuscript of the Fifteenth Century. British Museum.

* Bowed by the weight of centuries he leans&lt;br&gt;Upon his hoe and gazes on the ground,&lt;br&gt;The emptiness of ages in his face,&lt;br&gt;And on his back the burden of the world.
** [[Edwin Markham]], ''The Man with the Hoe''. Written after seeing Millet's picture &quot;Angelus&quot;.

* ''Divisum sic breve fiet opus.''
** Work divided is in that manner shortened.
** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'' (c. 80-104 AD), Book IV. 83. 8.

* Why do strong arms fatigue themselves with frivolous dumb-bells? To dig a vineyard is a worthier exercise for men.
** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'' (c. 80-104 AD), Book XIV, Epigram 49.

* God be thank'd that the dead have left still&lt;br&gt; Good undone for the living to do—&lt;br&gt;Still some aim for the heart and the will&lt;br&gt; And the soul of a man to pursue.
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Epilogue''.

* But now my task is smoothly done,&lt;br&gt;I can fly, or I can run.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Comus (John Milton)|Comus]]'' (1637), line 1,012.

* I am of nothing and to nothing tend,&lt;br&gt; On earth I nothing have and nothing claim,&lt;br&gt;Man's noblest works must have one common end,&lt;br&gt; And nothing crown the tablet of his name.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Ode upon Nothing''. Appeared in Saturday Magazine about 1836. Not in Collected Works.

* Lo! all life this truth declares,&lt;br&gt;Laborare est orare;&lt;br&gt;And the whole earth rings with prayers.
** [[Miss Mulock]], ''Labour is Prayer'', Stanza 4.

* Has it ever been really noted to what extent a genuinely religious life … requires a leisure class, or half-leisure—I mean leisure with a good conscience, from way back, by blood, to which the aristocratic feeling that work disgraces is not altogether alien—the feeling that it makes soul and body common. And that consequently our modern, noisy, time-consuming industriousness, proud of itself, stupidly proud, educates and prepares people, more than anything else does, precisely for “unbelief.”
** [[Nietzsche]], ''Beyond Good and Evil'', W. Kauffman, trans. (New York: 1992), § 58.

* Labor is life! 'Tis the still water faileth;&lt;br&gt;Idleness ever despaireth, bewaileth;&lt;br&gt;Keep the watch wound, for the dark rust assaileth.
** [[Frances S. Osgood]], ''To Labor is to Pray''.

* Labor is rest—from the sorrows that greet us;&lt;br&gt;Rest from all petty vexations that meet us,&lt;br&gt;Rest from sin-promptings that ever entreat us,&lt;br&gt;Rest from the world-sirens that hire us to ill.&lt;br&gt;Work—and pure slumbers shall wait on thy pillow;&lt;br&gt;Work—thou shalt ride over Care's coming billow;&lt;br&gt;Lie not down wearied 'neath Woe's weeping willow!&lt;br&gt;Work with a stout heart and resolute will!
** [[Frances S. Osgood]], ''To Labor is to Pray''.

* The uselessness of men above sixty years of age and the incalculable benefit it would be in commercial, in political, and in professional life, if as a matter of course, men stopped work at this age.
** [[William Osler]], address, at Johns Hopkins University (Feb. 22, 1905).

* Study until twenty-five, investigation until forty, profession until sixty, at which age I would have him retired on a double allowance.
** [[William Osler]]. The statement made by him which gave rise to the report that he had advised chloroform after sixty. Denied by him in ''Medical Record'' (March 4, 1905).

* ''Dum vires annique sinunt, tolerate labores.&lt;br&gt;Jam veniet tacito curva senecta pede.''
** While strength and years permit, endure labor; soon bent old age will come with silent foot.
** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', II. 669.

* And all labour without any play, boys,&lt;br&gt;Makes Jack a dull boy in the end.
** H. A. Page (pseudonym of {{w|Alexander Hay Japp}}), ''Vers de Société''.

* Many hands make light work.
** [[w:William Patten|William Patten]]{{Disambiguation needed}}. ''Expedition into Scotland'' (1547). In Arber's Reprint of 1880.

* Nothing is impossible to industry.
** [[Periander of Corinth]].

* ''Grex venalium.''
** The herd of hirelings. (A venal pack.)
** [[Plautus]], ''Cistellaria'', IV. 2. 67.

* ''Oleum et operam perdidi.''
** I have lost my oil and my labor. (Labored in vain.)
** [[Plautus]], ''Pœnulus'', I. 2. 119.

* Ease and speed in doing a thing do not give the work lasting solidity or exactness of beauty.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Pericles''.

* Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.
** Psalms. CIV. 23.

* When Adam dalfe and Eve spane&lt;br&gt; So spire if thou may spede,&lt;br&gt;Where was then the pride of man,&lt;br&gt; That nowe merres his mede?
** [[Richard Rolle de Hampole]], ''Early English Text Society Reprints'', No. 26, p. 79.

* The man who by his labour gets&lt;br&gt;His bread, in independent state,&lt;br&gt;Who never begs, and seldom eats,&lt;br&gt;Himself can fix or change his fate.
** [[Matthew Prior]], ''The Old Gentry''.

* ''Der Mohr hat seine Arbeit gethan, der Mohr kann gehen.''
** The Moor has done his work, the Moor may go.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Fiesco'', III. 4.

* Hard toil can roughen form and face,&lt;br&gt;And want can quench the eye's bright grace.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto I, Stanza 28.

* Why, universal plodding poisons up&lt;br&gt;The nimble spirits in the arteries,&lt;br&gt;As motion and long-during action tires&lt;br&gt;The sinewy vigour of the traveller.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act IV, scene 3, line 305.

* Why, Hal, 'tis my vocation. Hal: 'tis no sin for a man to labour in his vocation.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 2, line 116.

* Another lean, unwashed artificer.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act IV, scene 2, line 201.

* I have had my labour for my travail.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Troilus and Cressida]]'' (c. 1602), Act I, scene 1, line 72.

* The labour we delight in physics pain.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Macbeth]]'' (1605), Act II, scene 3, line 55.

* What work's, my countrymen, in hand? where go you&lt;br&gt;With bats and clubs? The matter? speak, I pray you.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act I, scene 1, line 55.

* A man who has no office to go to—I don't care who he is—is a trial of which you can have no conception.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Irrational Knot'', Chapter XVIII.

* I am giving you examples of the fact that this creature man, who in his own selfish affairs is a coward to the backbone, will fight for an idea like a hero…. I tell you, gentlemen, if you can shew a man a piece of what he now calls God's work to do, and what he will later call by many new names, you can make him entirely reckless of the consequences to himself personally.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman'' (1903), Act III.

* A day's work is a day's work, neither more nor less, and the man who does it needs a day's sustenance, a night's repose, and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Unsocial Socialist'', Chapter V.

* Many faint with toil,&lt;br&gt;That few may know the cares and woe of sloth.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Queen Mab'' (1813), Canto III.

* How many a rustic Milton has passed by,&lt;br&gt;Stifling the speechless longings of his heart,&lt;br&gt;In unremitting drudgery and care!&lt;br&gt;How many a vulgar Cato has compelled&lt;br&gt;His energies, no longer tameless then,&lt;br&gt;To mould a pin, or fabricate a nail!
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Queen Mab'' (1813), Part V, Stanza 9.

* Nothing can be done at once hastily and prudently.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''. 357.

** Labour of love.
** [[First Epistle to the Thessalonians|I Thessalonians]]. I. 3.

* ''Ne laterum laves.''
** Do not wash bricks. (Waste your labor).
** [[Terence]], ''Phormio'', I, IV. 9. A Greek proverb.

* With starving labor pampering idle waste;&lt;br&gt;To tear at pleasure the defected land.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], Liberty, Part IV, line 1,160.

* The labourer is worthy of his reward.
** [[First Epistle to Timothy|I Timothy]]. V. 18; Luke. X. 7. (hire).

* A workman that needeth not to be ashamed.
** [[W:Second Epistle to Timothy|II Timothy]], II. 15.

* Clamorous pauperism feasteth&lt;br&gt;While honest Labor, pining, hideth his sharp ribs.
** [[Martin Tupper]], ''Of Discretion''.

* Heaven is blessed with perfect rest but the blessing of earth is toil.
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], ''Toiling of Felix'', last line.

* Labor omnia vincit improbus.
** Stubborn labor conquers everything.
** [[Virgil]], ''Georgics'' (c. 29 BC), I. 145.

* Work spares us from three [[evils]]: [[boredom]], '''vice''' and [[Poverty|need]].
** [[Voltaire]],''Candide, ou l'Optimisme'' (1759) Chapter 30. Conclusion.

* Too long, that some may rest,&lt;br&gt;Tired millions toil unblest.
** [[William Watson]], ''New National Anthem''.

* But when dread Sloth, the Mother of Doom, steals in,&lt;br&gt;And reigns where Labour's glory was to serve,&lt;br&gt;Then is the day of crumbling not far off.
** [[William Watson]], ''The Mother of Doom'' (August 28, 1919).

* In books, or work, or healthful play.
** [[Isaac Watts]], ''Divine Songs'', XX.

* Labor in this country is independent and proud. It has not to ask the patronage of [[capital]], but capital solicits the aid of labor.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech, April, 1824.

* There will be little drudgery in this better ordered world. Natural power harnessed in machines will be the general drudge. What drudgery is inevitable will be done as a service and duty for a few years or months out of each life; it will not consume nor degrade the whole life of anyone.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''Outline of History'', Chapter XLI. Par. 4.

* Ah, little recks the laborer,&lt;br&gt;How near his work is holding him to God,&lt;br&gt;The loving Laborer through space and time.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Song of the Exposition'', I.

* Thine to work as well as pray,&lt;br&gt;Clearing thorny wrongs away;&lt;br&gt;Plucking up the weeds of sin,&lt;br&gt;Letting heaven's warm sunshine in.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Curse of the Charter-Breakers'', Stanza 21.

* ''Ah vitam perdidi operse nihil agendo.''
** Ah, my life is lost in laboriously doing nothing.
** [[Josiah Woodward]], ''Fair Warnings to a Careless World'', p. 97. Ed. 1736, quoting Merick Casaubon.

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* The day is short, the labor long, the workers are idle, and reward is great, and the Master is urgent.
** [[Aboth]], 2:15, saying of Rabbi Tarfon. Pirkay Avot, often known in English as the &quot;Chapters of the Fathers&quot;, is the best known of the books of the Mishnah, first part of the Talmud. Translations vary; that above is from A Treasury of Jewish Quotations, ed. Joseph L. Baron, p. 277 (1956).

* Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
** Attributed to Sir [[James Matthew Barrie]], ''The International Encyclopedia of Quotations'', comp. John P. Bradley, Leo F. Daniels, and Thomas C. Jones, p. 781 (1978). Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* The most unhappy of all men is the man who cannot tell what he is going to do, who has got no work cut-out for him in the world, and does not go into it. For work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind,—honest work, which you intend getting done.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], inaugural address as rector of the University of Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Scotland, April 2, 1866.—Carlyle, Critical and Miscellaneous Essays, vol. 6 (vol. 29 of The Works of Thomas Carlyle), p. 455 (1899, reprinted 1969).

* Do the day's work. If it be to protect the rights of the weak, whoever objects, do it. If it be to help a powerful corporation better to serve the people, whatever the opposition, do that. Expect to be called a stand-patter, but don't be a stand-patter. Expect to be called a demagogue, but don't be a demagogue. Don't hesitate to be as revolutionary as science. Don't hesitate to be as reactionary as the multiplication table. Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong. Don't hurry to legislate. Give administration a chance to catch up with legislation.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], speech to the Massachusetts state Senate on being elected its president, Boston, Massachusetts, January 7, 1914.—Coolidge, Have Faith in Massachusetts, p. 7–8 (1919).

* Our greatest weariness comes from work not done.
** [[Eric Hoffer]], &quot;Thoughts of Eric Hoffer&quot;, Including: 'Absolute Faith Corrupts Absolutely,'&quot; The New York Times Magazine, April 25, 1971, p. 55.

* If you work for a man, in heaven's name work for him!&lt;br&gt;If he pays you [[wages]] that supply you your bread and butter, work for him—speak well of him, think well of him, stand by him and stand by the institution he represents.&lt;br&gt;I think if I worked for a man I would work for him. I would not work for him a part of the time, and the rest of the time work against him. I would give an undivided service or none.&lt;br&gt;If put to the pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], &quot;Get Out or Get in Line&quot;, Selected Writings of Elbert Hubbard, p. 59–60 (1928).

* In the Great Society, work shall be an outlet for man's interests and desires. Each individual shall have full opportunity to use his capacities in employment which satisfies personally and contributes generally to the quality of the Nation's life.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], Manpower Report of the President, March 5, 1965. ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Lyndon B. Johnson, 1965'', book 1, p. 262.

* I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.
** Attributed to [[Helen Keller]], Charles L. Wallis, The Treasure Chest, p. 240 (1983). Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* As good play for nothing, you know, as work for nothing.
** Sir [[Walter Scott]], letter to Charles Kirkpatrick Sharpe, December 30, 1808.—John Gibson Lockhart, The Life of Sir Walter Scott, vol. 3, p. 144 (1902, reprinted 1983). Another use of this proverb was attributed, in an obituary, to [[[[Sir Alexander Cockburn, 12th Baronet|Sir Alexander Cockburn]], Lord Chief Justice of England. &quot;He subsequently acquired a large practice in London in railway and election cases. Although he did his best for his clients, he was careful that they should do their duty by him, and the story is told that on one occasion, when an election committee met, Mr. Cockburn, the counsel for one of the parties, was absent because his fee had not accompanied the brief and the only message left was that he had gone to the Derby, with the remark that 'a man might as well play for nothing as work for nothing.'&quot; ''Canada Law Journal'', January 1, 1881, p. 11.

* ''[[w:Workers of the world, unite!|Workers of the world, unite!]]''
** The Communist Manifesto (1848), by [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]]
** Russian: ''Proletarii vsekh stran, soyedinyaytes!'' The phrase later appeared in the State Emblem of the Soviet Union, starting in 1919.

* You must obey this now for a Law, that he that will not worke shall not eate (except by sicknesse he be disabled:) for the labours of thirtie or fortie honest and industrious men shall not be consumed to maintaine an hundred and fiftie idle loyterers.
** Captain [[John Smith]], advice to his company when he was governor of Jamestown Colony, Virginia, 1608.—Smith, The Generall Historie of Virginia, New England &amp; The Summer Isles, vol. 1, chapter 10, p. 174 (1907). The preceding paragraph notes that &quot;six houres each day was spent in worke, the rest in Pastime and merry exercises, but the untowardnesse of the greatest number caused the President [to] advise as followeth&quot;.

==''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)==
: &lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 164-165.&lt;/small&gt;

* The power of arbitrarily dismissing those in one's employ, is a power exercised in a great degree over a vast number of persons in this country, without their having any redress at law. Put the case of a day labourer or ordinary servant. You may refuse to give him a character, and he has no redress. If you give him a false character, he has the means of redress, but that is of a very different kind. And this is the law of the land.
** Shadwell, V.-C, ''Ranger v. Great Western Rail. Co.'' (1838), 2 Jur. (0. S.) 789.

* The possession of the servant is the possession of the master.
** Hide, C.J., ''King v. Burgess'' (1663), Ray. (Sir Thos.) Rep. 85.

* Apprentices and servants are characters perfectly distinct: the one receives instruction, the other a stipulated price for his labour.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''The King v. Inhabitants of St. Paul's'', Bedford (1797), 6 T. R. 454.

==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)==
&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).&lt;/small&gt;

* No man is born into the world whose work is not born with him. There is always work, and tools to work withal, for those who will.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], p. 368.

* Let parents who hate their offspring rear them to hate labor, and to inherit riches; and before long they will be stung by every vice, racked by its poison, and damned by its penalty.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], p. 438.

* Blessed is the man who has found his work; let him ask no other blessedness. Know thy work, and do it; and work at it like Hercules. One monster there is in the world, the idle man.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], p. 367.

* Labor is sweet, for Thou hast toiled,&lt;br&gt;And care is light, for Thou hast cared;&lt;br&gt;Let not our works with self be soiled,&lt;br&gt;Nor in unsimple ways ensnared.&lt;br&gt;Through life's long day and death's dark night,&lt;br&gt;O gentle Jesus! be our light.
** [[Frederick William Faber]], p. 369.

* No man is base who does a true work; for true action is the highest being. No man is miserable that does a true work; for right action is the highest happiness. No man is isolated that does a true work; for useful action is the highest harmony — it is the highest harmony with nature and with souls — it is living association with men — and it is practical fellowship with God.
** [[Henry Giles]], p. 369.

* Man must work. That is certain as the sun. But he may work grudgingly, or he may work gratefully; he may work as a man, or he may work as a machine. He cannot always choose his work, but he can do it in a generous temper, and with an up-looking heart. There is no work so rude, that he may not exalt it; there is no work so impassive, that he may not breathe a soul into it; there is no work so dull, that he may not enliven it.
** [[Henry Giles]], p. 369.

* A man's labors must pass like the sunrises and sunsets of the world. The next thing, not the last, must be his care.
** [[George MacDonald]], p. 369.

* Labor is not, as some have erroneously supposed, a penal clause of the original curse. There was labor, bright, healthful, unfatiguing, in unfallen Paradise. By sin, labor became drudgery — the earth was restrained from her spontaneous fertility, and the strong arm of the husbandman was required, not to develop, but to &quot;subdue&quot; it. But labor in itself is noble, and is necessary for the ripe unfolding of the highest life.
** [[William Morley Punshon]], p. 367.

* Labor is the true alchemist that beats out in patient transmutation the baser metals into gold.
** [[William Morley Punshon]], p. 367.

* God does not give excellence to men but as the reward of labor.
** Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], p. 367.

* Nothing is denied to well-directed labor; nothing is ever to be attained without it.
** Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], p. 367.

* The [[Virtue|virtues]], like the body,become strong more by labor than by nourishment.
** [[Jean Paul]], p. 368.

==See also==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}} 
*[[Basic income]] (Universal basice income)
* [[Capitalism]]
*[[Career]]
* [[Employment]] 
* [[Exploitation]] 
* [[Division of labor]]
*[[Greed]]
* [[General strike]] 
*[[Human rights]]
* [[Labour movement|Labor movement]]
*[[Oligarchy]]
* [[Retirement]]
* [[Self respect]]
* [[Servility]]
* [[Scarcity]]
* [[Slavery]]
* [[Vocation]]
* [[Wage]]
* [[Wage slavery]]  
==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|work|labor}}

[[Category:Business]]
[[Category:Labor]]

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      <text bytes="146843" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Lewis Hine Power house mechanic working on steam pump.jpg|thumb|Work that is pure toil, done solely for the sake of the [[money]] it earns, is also sheer drudgery because it is stultifying rather than self improving. ~ [[Mortimer Adler]]]]
[[File:Parc de Versailles, Rond-Point des Philosophes, Apollonius, Barthélemy de Mélo inv1850n°9449 02.jpg|thumb|[[Plato]] said that virtue has no master. If a person does not honor this principle and rejoice in it, but is purchasable for money, he creates many masters for himself. ~ [[Apollonius of Tyana]]]]

'''{{w|Work}}''' or labor is intentional activity people perform to support themselves, others, or the needs and wants of a wider community.  Work is fundamental to all societies, but can vary widely within and between them, from gathering in natural resources by hand, to operating complex technologies that substitute for physical or even mental effort by many human beings. '''{{w|Labor}}''' is [[effort]] expended on a [[task]].  

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted]]''}}
=Quotes=
==A==
* No single event has influenced the history of labor in Illinois, the United States, and even the world, more than the Chicago Haymarket Affair. It began with a rally on May 4, 1886, but the consequences are still being felt today. Although the rally is included in American history textbooks, very few present the event accurately or point out its significance.
** William J. Adelman &quot;The Haymarket Affair&quot;. illinoislaborhistory.org. Retrieved March 19, 2014.

* '''Work that is pure toil, done solely for the sake of the money it earns, is also sheer drudgery because it is stultifying rather than self improving.'''
** [[Mortimer Adler]], ''A Vision of the Future : Twelve Ideas for a Better Life and a Better Society'' (1984).

*Since the heart is an accumulator and transmuter of various energies, there must be more favorable conditions for arousing and attracting these energies. The most fundamental condition is work, mental as well as physical. In the motion of work, energies are gathered from space; but one must understand work as a natural process that enriches life. Thus, every kind of work is a [[Blessings|blessing]], while the vagaries of [[Idleness|inaction]] are extremely harmful in a cosmic sense. Love for the endlessness of labor is in itself an initiation of considerable degree; it prepares you for the conquest of [[time]]. Being in a condition where you have conquered [[time]] guarantees you a place in the Subtle World, where work is an unavoidable condition, just as it is in the body. A complaint about having to work can only come from a slave of the body.
**[[Agni Yoga]], ''Heart'', 79. (1932)

* I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
** [[Woody Allen]], as quoted in ''Silent Strength'' (1990) by Lloyd John Ogilvie, p. 111.

* Zeal is proper for a task, time-wasting is taboo; anyone who wastes time on his task is neglecting his task.
** [[Anonymous]], ''[http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section5/tr513.htm The advice of a supervisor to a younger scribe]'' ({{w|Eduba}} C), late third or early second millennium BCE, at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}.

* The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.
** [[Núria Añó]], in the short story ''2066. Beginning the age of correction''.

* I do not demand equal pay for any women save those who do equal work in value. Scorn to be coddled by your employers; make them understand that you are in their service as workers, not as women.
** [[Susan B. Anthony]], ''The Revolution'', Women's Suffrage Newspaper (Oct. 8, 1868)

* [[Plato]] said that [[virtue]] has no master. If a person does not honor this principle and rejoice in it, but is purchasable for money, he creates many masters for himself.
** [[Apollonius of Tyana]], letter to Euphrates, ''Epp. Apoll.'' 15
 
* Our characters are the result of our conduct.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'',  Book 3, chapter 5, section 12 (c. 335 BC)

==B==
* And the one carried in the current said, &quot;I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. '''Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.'''&quot;
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.&lt;br&gt;You may have to work for it, however.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'' (1977).

* It is a strange desire which men have, to seek power and lose liberty.
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Ornamenta Rationalia''.

* Measure not the work &lt;br /&gt; Until the day's out and the labour done, &lt;br /&gt; Then bring your gauges.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1857), Book V.

* '''Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.'''
** [[J. M. Barrie]], as quoted in ''The new dictionary of thoughts: a Cyclopedia of Quotations'' (1930) edited by [[Tryon Edwards]], C. N. Catrevas, Jonathan Edwards, and Ralph Emerson Browns.

* Ninety-five percent of all jobs suck, Jones. That’s why people get paid to do them.
** [[Max Barry]], ''[[w:Company (novel)|Company]]'' (2006), {{ISBN|0-385-51439-5}}, p. 112

* There’s no requirement that jobs be meaningful, Jones. If there was, half the country would be unemployed.
** [[Max Barry]], ''[[w:Company (novel)|Company]]'' (2006), {{ISBN|0-385-51439-5}}, p. 334

* '''Unless we abandon the work ethic of [[the past|another era]], ... lives may be wasted because of blind insistence that everyone must have a &quot;job&quot; even if the job is useless.'''
** [[w:Pierre Berton|Pierre Berton]], ''The Smug Minority'' (1968)

* '''You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play.'''
** {{w|Warren Beatty}}, as quoted in ''The Best Liberal Quotes Ever : Why The Left Is Right'' (2004) by William Martin, p. 213.

* Work is healthy, you can hardly put more upon a man than he can bear. It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], as quoted in ''The Teachers' Institute'', Vol. 18, No. 1 (September 1895), p. 16.

* When God wanted sponges and oysters, He made them and put one on a rock and the other in the mud. When He made man, He did not make him to be a sponge or an oyster; He made him with feet and hands, and head and heart, and vital blood, and a place to use them, and He said to him, Go Work.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Royal Truths'' (1862), p. 21.

*LABOR, ''n.'' One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=CboOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA213 ''The Cynic's Word Book''] (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* '''No one should ever work. ''' &lt;br /&gt; Work is the source of nearly all the misery in the world. Almost all the evil you'd care to name comes from working or from living in a world designed for work. '''In order to stop suffering, we have to stop working.''' &lt;br /&gt; That doesn't mean we have to stop doing things. It does mean creating a new way of life based on play; in other words, a ''ludic'' revolution. By &quot;play&quot; I mean also festivity, creativity, conviviality, commensality, and maybe even art. There is more to play than child's play, as worthy as that is. I call for a collective adventure in generalized joy and freely interdependent exuberance. Play isn't passive.
**[[Bob Black]], ''The Abolition of Work''

*Wealth is the offspring of intelligence and of work, the soul and the life of humanity. But these two forces can act only with the help of a passive element, the soil, which they make productive by their combined efforts.It would seem, therefore, that this indispensable instrument should belong to all men.
**[[w:Louis Blanc|Louis Blanc]], &quot;The Man Who Makes the Soup Should Get to Eat It&quot;, (1834).

* Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted.
** [[w:David Bly|David Bly]], as quoted in ''Peace of Mind : Daily Meditations for Easing Stress'' (1995) by Amy Dean, p. 187.

* The reign of capital, which denies our very existence as human beings and reduces us to ‘things’, seems very serious, methodical and disciplined. But its possessive paroxysm, its ethical rigour, its obsession with ‘doing’ all hide a great illusion: the total emptiness of the commodity spectacle, the uselessness of indefinite accumulation and the absurdity of [[exploitation]]. So the great seriousness of the world of work and productivity hides a total lack of seriousness.
** [[Alfredo M. Bonanno]], ''Armed Joy'' (1977)

* Work to me is a sacred thing.
** [[w:Margaret Bourke-White|Margaret Bourke-White]], ''Portrait of Myself'' (1963), Ch. 30.

* Researchers at the University of Oxford [recently] published the results of a survey of the world’s best artificial intelligence experts, who predicted that there was a 50 percent chance of AI outperforming humans in all tasks within 45 years...the immediate concern for most people is that they will be losing their jobs... That helps explain the recent interest in a [[universal basic income|universal basic income (UBI)]] – a sum of money distributed equally to everyone.
** [[Ellen Brown]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/how-to-fund-a-universal-basic-income-without-increasing-taxes-or-inflation/5611947 How to Fund a Universal Basic Income Without Increasing Taxes or Inflation, Global Research''] (4 October 2017)

* By the way,&lt;br&gt;The works of women are symbolical.&lt;br&gt;We sew, sew, prick our ringers, dull our sight,&lt;br&gt;Producing what? A pair of slippers, sir,&lt;br&gt;To put on when you're weary—or a stool&lt;br&gt;To tumble over and vex you  *  *  *  curse that stool!&lt;br&gt;Or else at best, a cushion where you lean&lt;br&gt;And sleep, and dream of something we are not,&lt;br&gt;But would be for your sake. Alas, alas!&lt;br&gt;This hurts most, this  *  *  *  that, after all, we are paid&lt;br&gt;The worth of our work, perhaps.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book I, line 465.

* Get leave to work&lt;br&gt;In this world,—'tis the best you get at all.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book III, line 164.

* Let no one till his death&lt;br&gt;Be called unhappy. Measure not the work&lt;br&gt;Until the day's out and the labour done.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book V, line 78.

* Free men freely work:&lt;br&gt;Whoever fears God, fears to sit at ease.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''Aurora Leigh'' (1856), Book VIII, line 784.

* When we see a great man desiring power instead of his real goal we soon recognize that he is sick, or more precisely that his attitude to his work is sick. He overreaches himself, the work denies itself to him, the incarnation of the spirit no longer takes place, and to avoid the threat of senselessness he snatches after empty power. This sickness casts the genius on to the same level as those hysterical figures who, being by nature without power, slave for power, in order that they may enjoy the illusion that they are inwardly powerful, and who in this striving for power cannot let a pause intervene, since a pause would bring with it the possibility of self-reflection and self-reflection would bring collapse.
** [[Martin Buber]], ''Between Man and Man'' (1965), p. 151.

* … productivity gains frequently cause upheaval: Both [[capital]] and labor can pay a terrible price when innovation or new efficiencies upend their worlds.&lt;br&gt;We need shed no tears for the capitalists (whether they be private owners or an army of public shareholders). It’s their job to take care of themselves. ...&lt;br&gt;A long-employed worker faces a different equation. When innovation and the market system interact to produce efficiencies, many workers may be rendered unnecessary, their talents obsolete. Some can find decent employment elsewhere; for others, that is not an option.&lt;br&gt;…&lt;br&gt;The answer in such disruptions is not the restraining or outlawing of actions that increase productivity. Americans would not be living nearly as well as we do if we had mandated that 11 million people should forever be employed in farming.&lt;br&gt;The solution, rather, is a variety of safety nets aimed at providing a decent life for those who are willing to work but find their specific talents judged of small value because of market forces. (I personally favor a reformed and expanded Earned Income Tax Credit that would try to make sure America works for those willing to work.) The price of achieving ever-increasing prosperity for the great majority of Americans should not be penury for the unfortunate.
** [[Warren Buffett]], {{cite web|title=Chairman's Letter - 2015|website=Berkshire Hathaway|date=February 27, 2016|url=https://www.berkshirehathaway.com/letters/2015ltr.pdf}}

*How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?
**[[Charles Bukowski]], ''Factotum'' (1975).

* Any damn fool can beg up some kind of job; it takes a wise man to make it without working.
**[[Charles Bukowski]], ''Post Office'' (1971)

* And still be doing, never done.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto I, line 204.

* Such hath it been—shall be—beneath the sun&lt;br&gt;The many still must labour for the one.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Corsair'' (1814), Canto I, Stanza 8.
[[File:Productivity and wages in the United States.svg|right|thumb|Workers, the most absolutely necessary part of the whole social structure, without whose services none can either eat, or clothe, or shelter himself, are just the ones who get the least to eat, to wear, and to be housed withal — to say nothing of their share of the other social benefits which the rest of us are supposed to furnish, such as education and artistic gratification. ~ [[Voltairine de Cleyre]].]]
[[File:Ccoolidge.jpeg|right|thumb|Do the day's work. If it be to protect the rights of the weak, whoever objects, do it. If it be to help a powerful corporation better to serve the people, whatever the opposition, do that. Expect to be called a stand-patter, but don't be a stand-patter. Expect to be called a demagogue, but don't be a demagogue. Don't hesitate to be as revolutionary as science. Don't hesitate to be as reactionary as the multiplication table. Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong. Don't hurry to legislate. Give administration a chance to catch up with legislation. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Auschwitz entrance.JPG|thumb|Work makes one free. ~ [[w:Lorenz Diefenbach|Lorenz Diefenbach]]]]
[[File:Edison-at home in Ft. Myers Florida 1914 detail LC-LC-USZ62-131044, adjusted.jpg|thumb|Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing. ~ [[Thomas Edison]]]]
[[File:Einstein gyro gravity probe b.jpg|thumb|Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom. ~ [[Albert Einstein]]]]
[[File:Einstein 1921 by F Schmutzer - restoration.jpg|thumb|If A equals success, then the formula is: A equals X plus Y plus Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ~ [[Albert Einstein]]]]
[[File:Caspar David Friedrich - Wanderer above the sea of fog.jpg|thumb|The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Friedrich Engels.jpg|thumb|The only difference as compared with the old, outspoken slavery is this, that the worker of today seems to be free because he is not sold once for all, but piecemeal by the day, the week, the year, and because no one owner sells him to another, but he is forced to sell himself in this way instead, being the slave of no particular person, but of the whole property-holding class. ~ [[Friedrich Engels]]]]
[[File:PikiWiki Israel 3290 Picking Cotton.jpg|thumb|Men work together, wether they work together or apart. ~ [[Robert Frost]]]]
[[File:Ansel Adams - Farm workers and Mt. Williamson.jpg|thumb|The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. ~ [[Robert Frost]]]]
[[File:Johann Heinrich Wilhelm Tischbein - Goethe in der roemischen Campagna.jpg|thumb|right|A man who works at another’s will, not for his own [[passion]] or his own [[need]], but for [[money]] or [[honor]], is always a [[fool]]. ~ [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]]]]
[[File:António Guterres 2012.jpg|thumb|The very nature of work will [[change]]. The governments may have to consider stronger social safety nets, and eventually [[Basic income|universal basic income.]] ~ [[António Guterres]]]]

[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg |thumb|One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]

[[File:Kierkegaard 1902 by Luplau Janssen.jpg|thumb|To work for a living certainly cannot be the meaning of life, since it is indeed a contradiction that the continual production of the conditions is supposed to be the answer to the question of the meaning of that which is conditional upon their production. ~ [[Søren Kierkegaard]]]]

==C==
* Work — other people's work — is an intolerable idea to a cat. Can you picture cats herding sheep or agreeing to pull a cart? They will not inconvenience themselves to the slightest degree.
** {{w|Louis J. Camuti}}, as quoted in ''On the Art of Business'' (2004) by James H Merkel and Abdul Wahad Al-Falaij, p. 257.

* Work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind — honest work, which you intend getting done.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''On the Choice of Books : The Inaugural Address of Thomas Carlyle, Lord Rector of the University of Edinburgh'' (1866).

* There's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
** [[Jim Carrey]], as quoted in ''A Touch of Class'' (2003) by Carol Vanderheyden, p. 70.

* Every one is the son of his own works.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Part I, Book IV, Chapter XX.

* Labor is discovered to be the grand conqueror, enriching and building up nations more surely than the proudest battles.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], ''War'' (1816).

* A rational, moral being cannot, without infinite wrong, be converted into a mere instrument of others’ gratification. He is necessarily an end, not a means. A mind, in which are sown the seeds of wisdom, disinterestedness, firmness of purpose, and piety, is worth more than all the outward material interests of a world. It exists for itself, for its own perfection, and must not be enslaved to its own or others’ animal wants.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], “Self-Culture” (1838)

* The consistent [[anarchist]], then, should be a socialist, but a socialist of a particular sort. He will not only oppose alienated and specialized labor and look forward to the appropriation of [[capital]] by the whole body of workers, but he will also insist that this appropriation be direct, not exercised by some elite force acting in the name of the proletariat.
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''Notes On Anarchism'' (1970).

* Remember, work, well done, does good to the man who does it. It makes him a better man.
** {{w|George S. Clason}}, ''The Richest Man in Babylon'' (1930).

* Work is the Rent we pay for our time on Earth.
** {{w|Tubby Clayton}}, Anglican clergyman, as quoted by [[David Frost]] in an interview in ''Saga'' magazine (January 2009).

*Workers, the most absolutely necessary part of the whole social structure, without whose services none can either eat, or clothe, or shelter himself, are just the ones who get the least to eat, to wear, and to be housed withal — to say nothing of their share of the other social benefits which the rest of us are supposed to furnish, such as education and artistic gratification.
**[[Voltairine de Cleyre]], &quot;Direct Action&quot; (1912), in ''Exquisite Rebel: The Essays of Voltairine de Cleyre -- Anarchist, Feminist, Genius'', SUNY Press, 10 February 2005, p. [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=z82d_8aEI4oC&amp;pg=PA280 280].

* If you work hard, you do your part, you should be able to give your children all the opportunities they deserve. That is the basic bargain of America.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016)

* I believe that every employee, from the CEO suite to the factory floor, contributes to a business’ success, so everybody should share in the rewards – especially those putting in long hours for little pay.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016)

==D==
* Though thousands of people indulge themselves in it regularly, and even develop a taste for it, there is no doubt in my mind (and that of scientists whom I employ to prove it) that Work is a dangerous and destructive drug, and should be called by its right name, which is Fatigue.
** [[Robertson Davies|Robertson Davies]], ''The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks'' (1947).

* I spent a busy day today, but got little done. This is because I am at last becoming perfect in the art of seeming busy, even when very little is going on in my head or under my hands. This is an art which every man learns, if he does not intend to work himself to death.
** [[Robertson Davies|Robertson Davies]], ''The Table Talk of Samuel Marchbanks'' (1949).

* '''To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy.'''
** [[Bette Davis]], ''The Lonely Life : An Autobiography'' (1962).

* Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.
** [[Bette Davis]], as quoted in ''The Quotable Woman, 1800-1975'' (1977) by Elaine Partnow, p. 315.

* [[Working class in the United States|Workingmen]] of the country ... toil for a pittance at the pleasure of their masters and are bludgeoned, jailed or shot when they protest — this is the central, controlling, vital issue of the hour, and neither of the [[Two-party system|old party]] platforms has a word or even a hint about it.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;Outlook for Socialism in the United States&quot; (1900)

* ''[[w:Arbeit macht frei|Arbeit macht frei]]''.
** '''Work makes (one) free.'''
*** Title of a 1873 novel by [[w:Lorenz Diefenbach|Lorenz Diefenbach]], which became an infamous slogan above the gates of several Nazi concentration camps.

* The phrase &quot;work-life balance&quot; tells us that people think that work is the opposite of life. We should be talking about life-life balance.
** [[Patrick Dixon]], ''Building a Better Business'' (2005) p. 182.

==E==
* All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 1:8, [[King James Version]]

* For what profit comes to mortals from all the toil and anxiety of heart with which they toil under the sun? Every day sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night their hearts are not at rest. This also is vanity.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 2:22-23 (New American Bible Revised Edition)

* The grinders cease because they are few.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 12:3, [[New International Version]]

* Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
** [[Thomas Edison]], as quoted in ''An Enemy Called Average'' (1990) by John L. Mason, p. 55.

* Being busy does not always mean real work.''' The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. '''Seeming to do is not doing.'''
** [[Thomas Edison]], as quoted in ''Ford Times'', Vol. 6, (1912), p. 136.

* I owe my success to the fact that I never had a clock in my workroom. Seventy-five of us worked twenty hours every day and slept only four hours — and thrived on it. An hardwork can make you to have a successfull future.There can be many fails maybe in our life but have to ready to face it for a hardworked work.
** [[Thomas Edison]], diary entry quoted in ''Defending and Parenting Children Who Learn Differently : Lessons from Edison's Mother'' (2007) by Scott Teel, p. 12.

* When modern men and women insist that they feel completely free in their work, they are in a sense telling the truth, for the triumph of conformity lies in the crushing of all resistance, all experience of conflict.
** [[David Edwards]], ''Burning All Illusions'' (Boston: 1996), p. 36.

* Every individual should have the opportunity to develop the gifts which may be latent in him. Alone in that way can the individual obtain the satisfaction to which he is justly entitled; and alone in that way can the community achieve its richest flowering. For everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Educational Trends : Journal of Research and Interpretation'' (June 1936), p. 32.

* If A equals success, then the formula is: A equals X plus Y plus Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Kiplinger's Personal Finance'', Vol. 11, No. 7 (July 1957), p. 48

* '''The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.'''
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;Nominalist and Realist&quot;, ''Essays: Second Series'' (1844).

* The only difference as compared with the old, outspoken slavery is this, that the worker of today seems to be free because he is not sold once for all, but piecemeal by the day, the week, the year, and because no one owner sells him to another, but he is forced to sell himself in this way instead, being the slave of no particular person, but of the whole property-holding class.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|The Condition of the Working Class in England}}'' (1845)

* There have always been poor and working classes; and the working class have mostly been poor. But there have not always been workers and poor people living under conditions as they are today.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* The capitalists soon had everything in their hands and nothing remained to the workers.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* The costs of production of labor consist of precisely the quantity of means of subsistence necessary to enable the worker to continue working, and to prevent the working class from dying out. The worker will therefore get no more for his labor than is necessary for this purpose; the price of labor, or the wage, will, in other words, be the lowest, the minimum, required for the maintenance of life.
** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847)

* Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else. I just don't happen to think it's an appropriate subject for an &quot;ethic.&quot;
** [[Barbara Ehrenreich]], &quot;Goodbye to the Work Ethic&quot; (1988), in ''The Worst Years of Our Lives: Irreverent Notes from a Decade of Greed'' (1991).

* He who understands the limits of life knows how easy it is to procure enough to remove the pain of want and make the whole life complete and perfect. Hence he has no longer any need of things which are not to be won save by labor and conflict.
** [[Epicurus]], “Principal Doctrines,” 21

==F==
* Every employee in an undertaking, then, takes a larger or smaller share in the work of administration, and has, therefore, to use and display his administrative faculties. This is why we often see men, who are specially gifted, gradually rise from the lowest to the highest level of the industrial hierarchy, although they have only had an elementary education. But young men, who begin practical work as engineers soon after leaving industrial schools, are in a particularly good position both for learning administration and for showing their ability in this direction, for in administration, as in all other branches of industrial activity, a man’s work is judged by its results.
** [[Henri Fayol]], (1900) ''Henri Fayol addressed his colleagues in the mineral industry 23 June 1900''.

* The idea that to make a man work you've got to hold gold in front of his eyes is a growth, not an axiom. We've done that for so long that we've forgotten there's any other way.
** [[F. Scott Fitzgerald]], &quot;Amory Blaine&quot; in ''This Side of Paradise'' (1920) Bk. 2, Ch. 5.

* It's a living.
** Animals, [[The Flintstones]], created by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera

*Peacefulness to be found in writing. Why do I not write every day? Partly because I feel I ought to write well and know I can't. But that is not a good enough reason for not writing, if it gains me poise &amp; peace.
**[[E. M. Forster]], ''Commonplace Book'', p. 219 (1960).

* '''I urge you to work together in promoting a [[true]], worldwide [[ethical]] mobilization which, beyond [[all]] differences of [[religious]] or [[political]] convictions, will spread and put into practice a shared [[ideal]] of fraternity and solidarity, especially with regard to the poorest and those most excluded.'''
** [[Pope Francis]], as quoted in an [http://w2.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/speeches/2014/may/documents/papa-francesco_20140509_consiglio-nazioni-unite.html address to the UN system chief executives board for coordination, Consistory Hall (9 May 2014)].

* People have been known to achieve more as a result of working with others than against them.
** Allan Fromme, as quoted in [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D0CE0DB1538F931A35751C0A9659C8B63 &quot;Allan Fromme, Psychologist And Writer, 87&quot;, ''The New York Times'' (2 February 2003) ]

* “'''Men work together''',” I told him from the [[heart]], &lt;br /&gt; “'''Whether they work together or apart.'''”
** [[Robert Frost]], [http://www.sparknotes.com/poetry/frost/section2.rhtml The Tuft of Flowers] (1915)

* '''The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.'''
** [[Robert Frost]], as quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) edited by Herbert Victor Prochnow.

==G==
* I need to wake out of my stupor and begin work. ...my body stands frozen in a snow packed tundra waiting for rescue. It may take a few days before that happens, since my mind is on vacation in Alberta right now.
** [[Michael Scott Gallegos]], &quot;Alligator&quot; (Nov 5, 2011)

* '''My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.'''
** [[Indira Gandhi]], as quoted in ''Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success'' (1996) by Joan Steinau Lester, p. 76.

* [[God]] designed man for work--work for his own sustenance; he who does not work shall not eat.
** ''{{w|Genesis Rabbah}} 14'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport, (1907), p. 67

* For as labor cannot produce without the use of land, the denial of the equal right to the use of land is necessarily the denial of the right of labor to its own produce.
** [[Henry George]], ''Progress and Poverty'' (1879), Book VII, Ch. 1.

* ''Ein Mensch, der um anderer willen, ohne dass es seine eigene Leidenschaft, sein eigenes Bedürfnis ist, sich um Geld oder Ehre oder sonst etwas abarbeitet, ist immer ein Tor''.
* A man who works at another’s will, not for his own passion or his own need, but for money or honor, is always a [[fool]].
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Die Leiden des Jungen Werthers'' (''The Sorrows of Young Werther''), p. 46

* Insofar as our culture conventionally construes technical, scientific, and professional roles as those that obligate men to ignore all but the technical implications of their work, the very social structure itself is inherently [[pathogenic]]. The social function of such a segmented role structure is akin to that of the  [[Unconscious|reflexive]]  [[obedience]] induced by [[military]] training. The function of such a technical role structure, as of military discipline, is to [[Eliminate|sever]] the normal [[Morality|moral sensibilities]] and [[responsibilities]] of civilians and soldiers and to enable them to be used as [[Zombies|deployables]], willing to pursue practically any objective. In the last analysis, such arrangements produce an unthinking readiness to [[kill]] or to hurt others - or to produce things that do so - on order.
** [[Alvin Ward Gouldner]], ''The Coming Crisis in Sociology'' (1970), p. 13

* Nothing is more laborious for you than not to labor at all&amp;mdash;in other words, to despise everything that gives rise to our labors, which means all that is subject to [[change]].
** [[Guigo I]], ''The Meditations of Guigo I, Prior of the Charterhouse'', as translated by A. Gordon Mursell (1995), #50

* The very nature of work will [[change]]. The governments may have to consider stronger social safety nets, and eventually [[universal basic income]].
** [[António Guterres]], [http://webtv.un.org/watch/secretary-general-addresses-general-debate-73rd-session/5839802857001/ ''Secretary-General Addresses General Debate, 73rd Session''] of the General Assembly of the UN, 15:25, (25 September 2018)

==H==
* If one man has a dollar he didn't work for, some other man worked for a dollar he didn't get.
** [[Bill Haywood]], ''Roughneck, The Life and Times of Big Bill Haywood'' (1983) by Peter Carlson, p. 146
** Paraphrased variant: For every man who gets a dollar he didn't sweat for, someone else sweated to produce a dollar he never received.

* Mark this well, you proud men of action: You are nothing but the unwitting agents of the men of thought who often, in quiet self-effacement, mark out most exactly all your doings in advance.
** [[Heinrich Heine]], ''History of Religion and Philosophy in Germany'', Vol. III (1834).

* One of the curious features of [[Impressionism]]... was the casualness of their work. ...[T]he painters gave the impression of hastily concocted canvases... more... inspiration than... patient labor. The effortless stroke of genius became a leading measure of artistic quality, partly because it denied mere &quot;work.&quot; ...&quot;Art for art's sake&quot; was an invention of the [[Romanticism|romantic]] era in France. ...They looked towards a mythical past in which the &quot;natural&quot; person could cultivate self-expression, free of the claims of social utility. This fantasized past... had an anti-industrial character. ...Work was despised because the growing industrial revolution was separating it from inventiveness, originality, and individualism. ...The inventiveness and spontaneity that independent artists sought were... opposed to industrial work,... products (with which they associated academic art) and for many... cities... Women and men held parasols and croquet mallets, not sickles and hoes, and dahlias were more attractive than cabbages. (It is true that Pissarro retained much of the outlook of Barbizon artists...) The work ethic implicit in [[Barbizon school|Barbizon]] art... was done away with by the impressionists. The suburb and the coastal resort, not the farm, is the landscape of [[Berthe Morisot|Morisot]], [[Pierre-Auguste Renoir|Renoir]], [[Édouard Manet|Manet]], and [[Claude Monet|Monet]]. ...The Impressionists ...joined other middle-class vacationers (except for [[Paul Cézanne|Cézanne]] and [[Camille Pissarro|Pissarro]], so little in sympathy with Parisian society).
** Robert L. Herbert, ''Impressionism: Art, Leisure, and Parisian Society'' (1988) p. 304-306.

* If little labour, little are our gaines: &lt;br /&gt; Man's fortunes are according to his paines.
** [[Robert Herrick]], ''Hesperides'' (1648), &quot;No Paines, No Gaines&quot;.

* The economic system denies the right of the sincerest and most sympathetic to keep their hands out of the blood of their brothers. We may not go to our rest at night, or waken to our work in the morning, without bearing the burden of the communal guilt; without being ourselves creators and causes of the wrongs we seek to bear away. At every step, when we would do good, evil is present with us, and exacts its tribute from the very citadel of the soul. ... If we stay at our posts, in order that we may [[change]] the system, we are on the backs of our brothers; if we desert our posts, in order that we may get off our brothers' backs, we take bread from their mouths, from the mouths of their children, and add to the army of the workless and hopeless.
** [[George D. Herron]], ''Between Caesar and Jesus'' (1899) pp. 24-25

* [[Hillel the Elder|Hillel]] stood in the gate of Jerusalem one day and saw the people on their way to work. &quot;How much,&quot;​ he asked, &quot;will you earn today?&quot;​ One said: &quot;A {{w|denarius}}&quot;​; the second: &quot;Two denarii&quot;​ &quot;What will you do with the money?&quot;​ he inquired. &quot;We will provide for the necessities of life.&quot;​ Then he said to them: &quot;Would you not rather come and make the Torah your possession, that you may possess both this world and the world to come?&quot;
** ''The Jewish Encyclopedia'', Volume 6, p. 399

* Our fruitless labours mourn, &lt;br /&gt; And only rich in barren fame return.
** [[Homer]], ''Odyssey'' (c. 7th century BC); tr. [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Odyssey of Homer]]'' (1725), Book X, line 46.

* To labour is the lot of man below; &lt;br /&gt; And when Jove gave us life, he gave us woe.
** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'' (c. 7th century BC); tr. [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715–1720), Book X, Line 78.

* I believe that the best way to prepare for a Future Life is to be kind, live one day at a time, and do the work you can do best, doing it as well as you can.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], &quot;Credo&quot;, as published in ''A Message to Garcia, and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 6.

* One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''A Thousand and One Epigrams'' (1911).

* If you want work well done, select a busy man ‚ the other kind has no time.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book'' (1927).

* The highest reward that God gives us for good work, is the ability to do better work.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard'' (1927), p. 125.

==I==
* I've had the best possible chance of learning that what the working-classes really need is to be allowed some part in the direction of public affairs, Doctor—to develop their abilities, their understanding and their self-respect.
** [[Henrik Ibsen]], ''An Enemy of the People'', English adaptation by Max Faber (1970), act II, p. 28. Mr. Hovstad is speaking.
[[File:Morocco Africa Flickr Rosino December 2005 83965745.jpg|thumb|A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both. ~ [[L. P. Jacks]]]]
==J==
* The philosopher bent on the enlargement of experience perceives at once that his work cannot be done, cannot even be commenced, until he has cleared away the heaps of verbal detritus under which the bedrocks of experience lie buried.
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''The Usurpation Of Language'' (1910).

* We are the children of an age which spends the best energies of its life in the discussion of life, in an atmosphere of deferred fulfillment, continually postponing the act of living to the work of mentally preparing to live.
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''The Usurpation Of Language'' (1910).

* '''A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which.''' He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. '''To himself, he always appears to be doing both.'''
** [[L. P. Jacks]], ''Education through Recreation'' (1932), p. 1.

* We do 30 to 40 percent of the nation's work for 1 percent of the returns, and a huge pool of us is always kept unemployed to reduce the value of the labor of those who are.
** [[George L. Jackson]], ''Blood in My Eye'' (1971), p. 24

* It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
** [[Jerome K. Jerome]], English author. ''Three Men in a Boat'' (1889), Ch. 15.

* Work and play they're never okay to mix.
** [[Jimmy Eat World]] taken from their song &quot;[[w: Work (Jimmy Eat World song)|Work]]&quot;.

* The error of early capitalism can be repeated wherever man is in a way treated on the same level as the whole complex of the material means of production, as an instrument and not in accordance with the true dignity of his work.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], ''Laborem Exercens''

==K==
* [[Jesus]] ... combines all duties (1) in one universal rule (which includes within itself both the inner and the outer moral relations of men), namely: Perform your [[duty]] for no motive other than unconditioned esteem for duty itself, i.e., [[Love of God|love God]] (the Legislator of all duties) above all else; and (2) in a particular rule, that, namely, which concerns man’s external relation to other men as universal duty: [[Great Commandment|Love every one as yourself]], i.e., further his welfare from [[good-will]] that is immediate and not derived from motives of [[greed|self-advantage]]. These commands are not mere laws of [[virtue]] but precepts of [[holiness]] which we ought to pursue, and the very pursuit of them is called virtue.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion”

* It is so easy to be immature. If I have a book to serve as my understanding, a pastor to serve as my conscience, a physician to determine my diet for me, and so on, I need not exert myself at all. I need not think, if only I can pay: others will readily undertake the irksome work for me.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], &quot;What is Enlightenment?&quot; (1784)

* To work for a living certainly cannot be the meaning of life, since it is indeed a contradiction that the continual production of the conditions is supposed to be the answer to the question of the meaning of that which is conditional upon their production.
**[[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''Either-Or'', H. Hong, trans. (1987), part 1 (I 15), p. 31.

* In the last analysis, what is the significance of life? If we divide mankind into two great classes, we may say that one works for a living, the other does not need to. But working for a living cannot be the meaning of life, since it would be a contradiction to say that the perpetual production of the conditions for subsistence is an answer to the question about its significance which, by the help of this, must be conditioned. The lives of the other class have in general no other significance than that they consume the conditions of subsistence. And to say that the significance of life is death, seems again a contradiction.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part I'', Swenson p. 30.

*{{Translated quote
| quote = You can do it quickly, but badly, or you can do it slowly, but well. After a while, everyone will forget that it was fast, but will remember that it was bad. And vice versa.
| original =  Можно сделать быстро, но плохо, а можно — медленно, но хорошо. Через некоторое время все забудут, что было быстро, но будут помнить, что было плохо. И наоборот.| comment = }} 
* [[Sergei Korolev]], quoted in [https://books.google.be/books?id=VyvLDgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT311&amp;lpg=PT311&amp;dq=%D0%9C%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D1%81%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B0%D1%82%D1%8C+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE,+%D0%B0+%D0%BC%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE+%E2%80%94+%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%B4%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%BD%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D1%85%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D1%88%D0%BE.+%D0%A7%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7+%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B5+%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BC%D1%8F+%D0%B2%D1%81%D0%B5+%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82,+%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE,+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82+%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C,+%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE+%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE+%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE.+%D0%98&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=BByEGl1rb_&amp;sig=ACfU3U3PHhA9hcx-JhymDEXCw3AAIFw-2Q&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwiop6_-nb75AhVJdcAKHSgtASAQ6AF6BAgCEAM#v=onepage&amp;q=%D0%9C%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D1%81%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B0%D1%82%D1%8C%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%B0%20%D0%BC%D0%BE%D0%B6%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%E2%80%94%20%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%B4%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%BD%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D1%85%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D1%88%D0%BE.%20%D0%A7%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7%20%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B5%20%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BC%D1%8F%20%D0%B2%D1%81%D0%B5%20%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82%2C%20%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D1%81%D1%82%D1%80%D0%BE%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%83%D1%82%20%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C%2C%20%D1%87%D1%82%D0%BE%20%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%BB%D0%BE%20%D0%BF%D0%BB%D0%BE%D1%85%D0%BE.%20%D0%98&amp;f=false &quot;Leadership in the Russian way&quot; ''(Лидерство по-русски)''] (2022)

*If the picture I’ve drawn is at all right, the only way we could have anything resembling a middle-class society — a society in which ordinary citizens have a reasonable assurance of maintaining a decent life as long as they work hard and play by the rules — would be by having a strong social safety net, one that guarantees not just health care but a minimum income, too.
** [[Paul Krugman]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/14/opinion/krugman-sympathy-for-the-luddites.html ''Sympathy for the Luddites''], The New York Times (13 June 2013)

[[File:Ancient Garden.png|thumb|No thoroughly occupied man was ever yet very miserable. ~ [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]] ]]
[[File:New Inventions of Modern Times -Nova Reperta-, The Invention of Distillation, plate 7 MET DP841129.jpg|thumb|Labor is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. [[Capital]] is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]] ]]

[[File:Bernard Lietaer - PopTech 2011 - Camden Maine USA.jpg|thumb|Instead of pitting people against each other, the (local currency) system... '''enables us to consciously design [[money]] to work for us, instead of us for it.''' ~ [[Bernard Lietaer]]]]

==L==
* Men are like handsome race horses who first bite the bit and later like it, and rearing under the saddle a while soon learn to enjoy displaying their harness and prance proudly beneath their trappings.
** [[Étienne de La Boétie]], ''[[Discourse of Voluntary Servitude]]'', Part 2

* The philosophers of antiquity taught contempt for work, that degradation of the free man, the poets sang of idleness, that gift from the Gods.
** [[Paul Lafargue]], ''The Right to Be Lazy'' (1883), H. Kerr, trans. (1907), pp. 11-12.

* '''No thoroughly occupied man was ever yet very miserable.'''
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]] ''Romance and Reality'' (1831) Vol. II, page 108

*A full-fledged [[UBI]] — one that unconditionally provides every person with enough income to meet their basic needs—would fundamentally alter the paradigm of capitalism that has locked workers into the dominant system ever since its inception. Capitalism has endured by commoditizing people’s lives, forcing them to sell the bulk of their available time and energy, or else face destitution and starvation. A true UBI would transform the relationship between labor and capital and weaken the power of the wealthy elite to control the population.
**[[Jeremy Lent]] in [https://greattransition.org/gti-forum/basic-income-lent A Cornerstone of a Moral Economy,  ''Great Transition Initiative,'' ''GTI Forum''] (November 2020).

*Computers and robots replace humans in the exercise of mental functions in the same way as mechanical power replaced them in the performance of physical tasks. As time goes on, more and more complex mental functions will be performed by machines. Any worker who now performs his task by following specific instructions can, in principle, be replaced by a machine. This means that the role of humans as the most important factor of production is bound to diminish—in the same way that the role of horses in agricultural production was first diminished and then eliminated by the introduction of tractors.
** [[Wassily Leontief]], &quot;[http://books.google.nl/books?id=hS0rAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA3 National perspective: The definition of problem and opportunity]&quot;, in: National Academies, ''The Long-term Impact of Technology on Employment and Unemployment: A National Academy of Engineering Symposium'', p. 3. (30 June 1983)

*Local [[currency]] creates work, and I make a distinction between work and jobs. A job is what you do for a living; work is what you do because you like to do it. I expect jobs to increasingly [[Universal basic income|become obsolete]], but there is still an almost infinite amount of fascinating work to be done... What's nice about local currency is that when people create their own money, they don't need to build in a [[scarcity]] factor. And they don't need to get currency from elsewhere in order to have a means of making an exchange with a neighbor... As soon as you have an agreement between two people about a transaction... they literally create the necessary &quot;money&quot; in the process; there's no [[scarcity]] of money. That does not mean there's an infinite amount of this currency, either; you cannot give me 500,000 hours - nobody has 500,000 hours to give. So there's a ceiling on it, yes, but there's no artificial [[scarcity]]. 
**[[Bernard Lietaer]], [https://library.uniteddiversity.coop/Money_and_Economics/Bernard_Lietaer/Interview_Yes%21.pdf Beyond Greed and Scarcity, ''YES! A Journal of Positive Futures''], (Spring 1997)

*Instead of pitting people against each other, the (local currency) system actually ... '''enables us to consciously design [[money]] to work for us, instead of us for it.''' ..These objectives are in our grasp within less than one generation's time. Whether we materialize them or not will depend on our capacity to [[cooperate]] with each other to consciously reinvent our money... For the first time in human history we have available the production technologies to create unprecedented abundance...
**[[Bernard Lietaer]], [https://library.uniteddiversity.coop/Money_and_Economics/Bernard_Lietaer/Interview_Yes%21.pdf Beyond Greed and Scarcity, ''YES! A Journal of Positive Futures''], (Spring 1997)

*I agree with you, Mr. Chairman, that the working men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the more numerous, and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (February 12, 1861) [Commercial version]; in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 4, p. 202.

* In the early days of the world, the Almighty said to the first of our race &quot;In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread&quot;; and since then, if we except the light and the air of heaven, no good thing has been, or can be enjoyed by us, without having first cost labour. And inasmuch [as] most good things are produced by labour, it follows that [all] such things of right belong to those whose labour has produced them. But it has so happened in all ages of the world, that some have labored, and others have, without labour, enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue. To [secure] to each labourer the whole product of his labour, or as nearly as possible, is a most worthy object of any good government.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], fragments of a tariff discussion (c. December 1, 1847); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 1, p. 407–8.

* It is better, then, to save the work while it is begun. You have done the labor; maintain it—keep it. If men choose to serve you, go with them; but as you have made up your organization upon principle, stand by it; for, as surely as God reigns over you, and has inspired your mind, and given you a sense of propriety, and continues to give you hope, so surely will you still cling to these ideas, and you will at last come back after your wanderings, merely to do your work over again.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech at Chicago, Illinois (July 10, 1858); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 2, p. 498.

* '''Labor is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. [[Capital]] is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.'''
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], First State of the Union Address (December 3, 1861); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 5, p. 52.

* The most notable feature of a disturbance in your city last summer, was the hanging of some working people by other working people. It should never be so. '''The strongest bond of human sympathy, outside of the family relation, should be one uniting all working people, of all nations, and tongues, and kindreds.'''
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], reply to New York Workingmen's Democratic Republican Association (March 21, 1864); in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953), vol. 7, p. 259.

* From labor there shall come forth rest.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], &quot;To a Child&quot;, line 162; in ''The Belfry of Bruges and Other Poems'' (1845).

* [[Adam]] was created righteous, acceptable, and without sin. He had no need from his labor in the garden to be made righteous and acceptable to God. Rather, the Lord gave Adam work in order to cultivate and protect the garden. This would have been the freest of all works because they were done simply to please God and not to obtain righteousness. … The works of the person who trusts God are to be understood in a similar manner. Through faith we are restored to paradise and created anew. We have no need of works in order to be righteous; however, in order to avoid idleness and so that the body might be cared for an disciplined, works are done freely to please God.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), pp. 73-74.

* It is always necessary that the substance or essence of a person be good before there can be any good works and that good works follow and proceed from a person who is already good. Christ says in Matthew 7:18: “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.” ... The fruit does not make the tree good or bad but the tree itself is what determines the nature of the fruit. In the same way, a person first must be good or bad before doing a good or bad work.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), pp. 74-75.

* Many have been deceived by outward appearances and have proceeded to write and teach about good works and how they justify without even mentioning faith. … Wearying themselves with many works, they never come to righteousness.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''The Freedom of a Christian'' (1520), M. Tranvik, trans. (Minneapolis: 2008), p. 75.
[[File:Herman Melville 1860.jpg|thumb|99 hundreths of all the work done in the world is either foolish and unnecessary, or harmful and wicked. ~ [[Herman Melville]]]]
[[File:A monument of working class.JPG|thumb|It has become an article of the creed of modern morality that all labour is good in itself — a convenient belief to those who live on the labour of others. ~ [[William Morris]]]]
==M==
* '''The man who is possessed of wealth, who lolls on his sofa or rolls in his carriage, cannot judge the wants or feelings of the day-laborer.'''
** [[James Madison]], Statement (1787-06-26) as quoted in [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/yates.asp ''Notes of the Secret Debates of the Federal Convention of 1787''] by [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]].

* Tonio ... worked withdrawn out of sight and sound of the small men, for whom he felt nothing but contempt, who, whether they were poor or not, went about ostentatiously shabby or else flaunted startling cravats, all the time taking jolly good care to amuse themselves, to be artistic and charming without the smallest notion of the fact that good work comes out only under pressure of a bad life; that he who lives does not work; the one must die to life in order to be utterly a creator.
** [[Thomas Mann]], ''Tonio Kröger'', H. Lowe-Porter, trans., modified, in Death in Venice and Seven Other Stories (1930), p. 94

* Passing alongside the Sea of Galilee, Jesus saw Simon and Andrew the brother of Simon casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” And immediately they left their nets and followed. And going on a little farther, he saw James the son of Zebedee and John his brother, who were in their boat mending the nets. And immediately he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired servants and followed Jesus.
** [[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] 1:16-20 [[w:English Standard Version|ESV]]

* The worker puts his life into the object; but now it no longer belongs to him, it belongs to the object.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 134.

* The better shaped his product, the more mis-shapen the worker; the more civilized his object, the more barbaric the worker; the more powerful the work, the more powerless the worker.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 135.

* Labor produces marvels for the rich but it produces deprivation for the worker. It produces palaces, but hovels for the worker. It produces beauty, but deformity for the worker. It replaces labor by machines, but it throws one section of the workers back to barbaric labor, and it turns the remainder into machines.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 135.

* What, then, constitutes the alienation of labor? First, in the fact that labor is external to the worker, that is, that it does not belong to his essential being; that in his work, therefore, he does not affirm himself but denies himself, does not feel well but unhappy, does not freely develop his physical and mental energy but mortifies his body and ruins his mind. The worker, therefore, feels himself only outside his work, and feels beside himself in his work. He is at home when he is not working, and when he is working he is not at home. His work therefore is not voluntary, but coerced; it is forced labor. It is therefore not the satisfaction of a need, but only a means for satisfying needs external to it. Its alien character emerges clearly in the fact that labor is shunned like the plague as soon as there is no physical or other compulsion.
** [[Karl Marx]], “Alienated Labor,” ''Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts'' (1844), ''The Potable Karl Marx'' (1983), p. 136.

* When we have weighed everything, and when our relations in life permit us to choose any given position, we may take that one which guarantees us the greatest dignity, which is based on ideas of whose truth we are completely convinced, which offers the largest field to work for mankind and approach the universal goal for which every position is only a means: [[perfection]].
** [[Karl Marx]], “Reflections of a Youth on Choosing an Occupation” (1835), ''Writings of the Young Marx on Philosophy and Society'', L. Easton, trans. (1967), p. 38.

* Capital is dead labor,that vampire-like, only lives by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.
** [[Karl Marx]], {{w|Capital: Critique of Political Economy}}, [[w:Capital, Volume I|Vol. I]], Ch. 10, Section 1, p. 257. (1867)

* He that would enjoy life and act with freedom must have the work of the day continually before his eyes. Not yesterday's work, lest he fall into despair; nor to-morrow's, lest he become a visionary—not that which ends with the day, which is a worldly work; nor yet that only which remains to eternity, for by it he cannot shape his actions.&lt;br /&gt;Happy is the man who can recognise in the work of to-day a connected portion of the work of life and an embodiment of the work of Eternity. The foundations of his confidence are unchangeable, for he has been made a partaker of Infinity. He strenuously works out his daily enterprises because the present is given him for a possession.&lt;br /&gt;Thus ought Man to be an impersonation of the divine process of nature, and to show forth the union of the infinite with the finite, not slighting his temporal existence, remembering that in it only is individual action possible; nor yet shutting out from his view that which is eternal, knowing that Time is a mystery which man cannot endure to contemplate until eternal Truth enlighten it.
** [[James Clerk Maxwell]], Paper communicated to {{w|Frederic Farrar}}&lt;!--F. W. Farrar--&gt; (1854) Æt. 23, as quoted in Lewis Campbell, William Garnett, ''The Life of James Clerk Maxwell: With Selections from His Correspondence and Occasional Writings'' (1884) [https://books.google.com/books?id=B7gEAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA144 pp. 144-145,] and in Richard Glazebrook, ''James Clerk Maxwell and Modern Physics'' (1896) [https://books.google.com/books?id=hbcEAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA39 pp. 39-40.]

* True Work is the necessity of poor humanity's earthly condition. The dignity is in leisure. Besides, '''99 hundreths of all the work done in the world is either foolish and unnecessary, or harmful and wicked.'''
** [[Herman Melville]], in a letter to Catherine G. Lansing (5 September 1877), published in ''The Melville Log : A Documentary Life of Herman Melville, 1819-1891'' (1951) by Jay Leyda, Vol. 2, p. 765.

* Man hath his daily work of body or mind&lt;br&gt;Appointed.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IV, line 618.

* The work under our labour grows&lt;br&gt;Luxurious by restraint.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IX, line 208.

* '''It is assumed by most people nowadays that all work is useful, and by most ''well-to-do'' people that all work is desirable.''' Most people, well-to-do or not, believe that, even when a man is doing work which appears to be useless, he is earning his livelihood by it — he is &quot;employed,&quot; as the phrase goes; and most of those who are well-to-do cheer on the happy worker with congratulations and praises, if he is only &quot;industrious&quot; enough and deprives himself of all pleasure and holidays — in the sacred cause of labour. '''In short, it has become an article of the creed of modern morality that all labour is good in itself — a convenient belief to those who live on the labour of others.''' But as to those on whom they live, I recommend them not to take it on trust, but to look into the matter a little deeper.
** [[William Morris]], &quot;Useful Work vs Useless Toil&quot; (1885); later published in ''Signs of Change : Seven Lectures, Delivered on Various Occasions'' (1896).

* '''It is of the nature of man, when he is not diseased, to take pleasure in his work under certain conditions.''' And, yet, we must say in the teeth of the hypocritical praise of all labour, whatsoever it may be, of which I have made mention, that there is some labour which is so far from being a blessing that it is a curse; that it would be better for the community and for the worker if the latter were to fold his hands and refuse to work, and either die or let us pack him off to the workhouse or prison — which you will.&lt;br&gt;'''Here, you see, are two kinds of work — one good, the other bad; one not far removed from a blessing, a lightening of life; the other a mere curse, a burden to life.'''&lt;br&gt;What is the difference between them, then ? This: one has hope in it, the other has not. '''It is manly to do the one kind of work, and manly also to refuse to do the other.'''
** [[William Morris]], &quot;Useful Work vs Useless Toil&quot; (1885); later published in ''Signs of Change : Seven Lectures, Delivered on Various Occasions'' (1896).

* In his discussion on [[slavery]] [[Aristotle]] said that when the shuttle wove by itself and the [[w:Plectrum|plectrum]] played by itself chief workmen would not need helpers nor masters slaves. At the time he wrote, he believed that he was establishing the eternal validity of slavery; but for us today he was in reality justifying the existence of the [[machine]]. Work, it is true, is the constant form of man's interaction with his environment, if by work one means the sum total of exertions necessary to maintain life; and the lack of work usually means an impairment of function and a breakdown in organic relationship that leads to substitute forms of work, such as invalidism and neurosis. But work in the form of unwilling drudgery or of that sedentary routine which... the Athenians so properly despised—work in these forms is the true province of machines. Instead of reducing human beings to work-mechanisms, we can now transfer the main part of burden to automatic machines. This potentially... is perhaps the largest justification of the mechanical developments of the last thousand years.
** [[Lewis Mumford]], ''Technics and Civilization'' (1934)

==N==
* Early to bed,&lt;br&gt;Early to rise,&lt;br&gt;Work like hell —&lt;br&gt;And advertise!
** &quot;Old slogan&quot; quoted in ''The National Provisioner'', Vol. 44 (June 1911), p. 35; this has since become misattributed to many people who might have quoted it.

*Democratic presidential hopeful [[Joe Biden]] unveiled a $2 trillion energy plan Tuesday with a heavy focus on the [[Green New Deal]] agenda... Speaking in Wilmington, Del., Biden promised a “clean energy revolution,” which he said would deliver millions of jobs... Biden detailed what he called a pro-union platform that would replace the US government’s car fleet with American-made electric vehicles... The former veep on Tuesday promised to “create millions of high-paying union jobs by building a modern infrastructure and a clean energy future” and described his vision of a US covered in 500,000 electric car charging stations and thriving factories producing green products.
**[https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ ''New York Post,'' Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda, by Ebony Bowden], (14 July 2020)

* Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Human, All Too Human'' (1878)

* Looking for work in order to be paid: in civilized countries today almost all men are at one in doing that. For all of them work is a means and not an end in itself. Hence they are not very refined in their choice of work, if only it pays well. But there are, if only rarely, men who would rather perish than work without any pleasure in their work. They are choosy, hard to satisfy, and do not care for ample rewards, if the work itself is not to be the reward of rewards. Artists and contemplative men of all kinds belong to this rare breed, but so do even those men of leisure who spend their lives hunting, traveling, or in love affairs and adventures. All of these desire work and misery only if it is associated with pleasure, and the hardest, most difficult work if necessary. Otherwise their idleness is resolute, even if it spells impoverishment, dishonor, and danger to life and limb. They do not fear boredom as much as work without pleasure.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science'' (1882), [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|W. Kaufmann]], trans, § 42.

* I propose a new approach that will make it more attractive to go to work than to go on welfare, and will establish a nationwide minimum payment to dependent families with children. I propose that the Federal government pay a [[basic income]] to those American families who cannot care for themselves in whichever State they live. ... I propose that we make available an addition to the incomes of the &quot;working poor,&quot; to encourage them to go on working, and to eliminate the possibility of making more from welfare than from wages. 
** [[Richard Nixon]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=2194 Special Message to the Congress on Reform of the Nation's Welfare System] (11 August 1969)

==O==
* Artificial intelligence is here and it is accelerating, and you're going to have driverless cars, and you're going to have more and more automated services, and that's going to make the job of giving everybody work that is meaningful, tougher and we're going to have to be more imaginative, and the pact of [[change]] is going to require us to do more fundamental reimagining of our social and political arrangements, to protect the economic security and the dignity that comes with a job. It's not just money that a job provides; it provides dignity and structure and a sense of place and a sense of purpose. And so we're going to have to consider new ways of thinking about these problems, like a [[universal income]], review of our workweek, how we retrain our young people, how we make everybody an entrepreneur at some level. But we're going to have to worry about economics if we want to get democracy back on track.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''[https://www.npr.org/2018/07/17/629862434/transcript-obamas-speech-at-the-2018-nelson-mandela-annual-lecture 2018 Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture]'' [speech] (17 July 2018)

* I found it hard working really long hours when I was my own boss. The boss kept giving me the afternoon off.
** [[w:John O'Farrell|John O'Farrell]]{{Disambiguation needed}}, ''The Best a Man Can Get'' (1999).

[[File:Charles peguy.jpg|thumb|right|Towards this fine honor of a trade converged all the finest, all the most noble sentiments—dignity, pride. ... In those days a workman did not know what it was to solicit. It is the [[bourgeoisie]] who, turning the workmen into bourgeois, have taught them to solicit. ~ [[Charles Péguy]]]]
==P==
* Questioning global stereotypes on economic responses to [[globalisation]], I argue that labour becomes actively involved in the very ''process'' of globalisation and the [[w:Growth capital|expansion of capital]]. [...] Although it would seem a simple proposition to suggest that working class people and their organisations affect the ways in which the landscapes of capitalism are made, until recently, there has been little work, even within economic geography, addressing this issue.
** [[Neethi Padmanabhan]], ''[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263155852_Globalisation_Lived_Locally_A_Labour_Geography_Perspective_on_Control_Conflict_and_Response_among_Workers_in_Kerala Globalisation Lived Locally: A Labour Geography Perspective on Control, Conflict and Response among Workers in Kerala]'', 2012, at {{w|ResearchGate}}

* Low labour cost, along with ﬂexibility in labour use, has become a key source of competitive advantage for ﬁrms. As external competition intensiﬁes, the domestic industry has come under great pressure to restructure itself, to become more competitive and to adopt ﬂexible policies with regard to production and labour. With a view to increasing global competitiveness, investors are moving more towards countries that either have low labour costs, or are shifting to informal employment arrangements. These [[change]]s create an entirely different political-economic environment for workers around the world. Greater international mobility of capital relative to labour puts workers from a given location at an immediate disadvantage, both in terms of bargaining power with the owners of capital (whose threat to move gains greater credibility) and with respect to the State&lt;!--(Milberg 2004)--&gt;. Thus the removal of domestic entry barriers and movement of capital to areas of cheap labour have caused intensiﬁcation of domestic competition in many developing countries— especially those with surplus labour supply and those where labour is a major factor of production. This has been accentuated by potential investors citing the lack of ﬂexibility in hiring and laying off workers as a concern, while targeting a developing country in which to invest. [...] [[Optimism]] with regard to labour as an agency of social progress has been replaced by pessimism that sees little prospect of workers acting on their own behalf.
** [[Neethi Padmanabhan]], ''[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263155852_Globalisation_Lived_Locally_A_Labour_Geography_Perspective_on_Control_Conflict_and_Response_among_Workers_in_Kerala Globalisation Lived Locally: A Labour Geography Perspective on Control, Conflict and Response among Workers in Kerala]'', 2012, at {{w|ResearchGate}}

*All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
** Jack Torrance played by Jack Nicholson, [[The Shining (film)|The Shining]] screenplay by Stanley Kubrick and Diane Johnson

* Religious people must be brought to a vivid realization of their awful guilt in sanctioning and supporting an economic system that is the direct antithesis of their religious ideals.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Individualism and Socialism'' (1933)

* Pride in one’s work carries with it a determination to accept the demands imposed by that work: in the case of philosophy to follow the argument where it leads, in the case of history to discover what actually happened, in the case of literature to explore to its depths a particular theme. In consequence, this sort of pride demands freedom: it has to be laid low in any authoritarian State. The historian, in such a system, has to conform to official interpretations of the past, the philosopher to dogmas, the writer to stereotypes of human action, the craftsman to “production-schedules.” More subtly, attempts are made to lay pride low in a consumer’s society: the film-director, the novelist, the craftsman are called upon to produce “what will sell” at whatever cost to their pride in workmanship.
** [[John Passmore]], ''The Perfectibility of Man'' (1971), p. 290

*A man succeeds in completing a work only when his qualities transcend that work.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1940-08-14}}

* These bygone workmen did not serve, they worked. They had an absolute honor, which is honor proper. A chair rung had to be well made. That was an understood thing. That was the first thing. It wasn’t that the chair rung had to be well made for the salary or on account of the salary. It wasn’t that it was well made for the boss, nor for connoisseurs, nor for the boss’ clients. It had to be well made itself, in itself, for itself, in its very self. A tradition coming, springing from deep within the race, a history, an absolute, an honor, demanded that this chair rung be well made. Every part of the chair which could not be seen was just as perfectly made as the parts which could be seen. The was the selfsame principal of cathedrals. … There was no question of being seen or of not being seen. It was the innate being of work which needed to be well done.
** [[Charles Péguy]], ''Basic Verities'', A. &amp; J. Green, trans. (New York: 1943), pp. 82-85

* Towards this fine honor of a trade converged all the finest, all the most noble sentiments—dignity, pride. Never ask anything of anyone, they used to say. … In those days a workman did not know what it was to solicit. It is the bourgeoisie who, turning the workmen into bourgeois, have taught them to solicit.
** [[Charles Péguy]], ''Basic Verities'', A. &amp; J. Green, trans. (New York: 1943), p. 83.

* Don't sacrifice your life to work and ideals. The most important things in life are human relations. I found that out too late.
** {{w|Katharine Susannah Prichard}}, as quoted in ''100 Great Australians'' (1983) by Robert Macklin.

* The man who by his labour gets &lt;br /&gt; &amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; His bread, in independent state, &lt;br /&gt; Who never begs, and seldom eats, &lt;br /&gt; &amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; Himself can fix or change his fate.
** [[Matthew Prior]] (1664–1721), ''The Old Gentry'' (posthumous), St. 5.

* The trouble with Opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.
** {{w|Herbert V. Prochnow}}, ''1001 Ways to Improve your Conversation &amp; Speeches?'' (1952).

* To depend on another's nod for a livelihood, is a sad destiny.
** [[Publius Syrus]], ''The Moral Sayings of Publius Syrus'', # 501

[[File:Teslathinker.jpg |thumb|Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine. ~ [[Nikola Tesla]]]]

[[File:A Wilde time 3.jpg|thumb|right|We live in the age of the overworked, and the under-educated; the age in which people are so industrious that they become absolutely stupid. ~ [[Oscar Wilde]]]]
[[File:THE WOMEN'S WORK IN THE WAR INDUSTRY, 1914-1918 Q109920.jpg|thumb|It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit. ~ [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]] ]] '''
[[File:John Howard Yoder, 1971 (6215609410).jpg|thumb|Let us reserve our limited creativity for functions that will not be taken care of if we do not to it. ~ [[John Howard Yoder]]]]
[[File:William Edmonson.jpg|thumb|The land belongs to those who work it with their hands. ~ [[Emiliano Zapata]] ]] 
==R==
[[File:John_Henry-27527.jpg|thumb|Modern technique has made it possible for leisure, within limits, to be not the prerogative of small privileged classes, but a right evenly distributed throughout the community. The morality of work is the morality of slaves, and the modern world has no need of slavery. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]]
[[File:1927 Boris Bilinski (1900-1948) Plakat für den Film Metropolis, Staatliche Museen zu Berlin.jpg|thumb|It is clear that mechanistic, biologically unsatisfying work is a product of the widespread mechanistic view of life and the machine civilization. Can the biologic function of work be reconciled with the social function of work? This is possible, but firmly entrenched ideas and institutions must be radically corrected first. &lt;br&gt; The craftsman of the nineteenth century still had a full relationship to the product of his work. But when, as in a Ford factory, a worker has to perform one and the same manipulation year in and year out, always working on one detail and never the product as a whole, it is out of the question to speak of satisfying work. The specialized and mechanized division of labour, together with the system of paid labour in general, produce the effect that the working man has no relationship to the [[machine]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]]
* Did you get your [[money]] by fraud? By pandering to men’s vices or men’s stupidity? By catering to fools, in the hope of getting more than your ability deserves? By lowering your standards? By doing work you despise for purchasers you scorn? If so, then your money will not give you a moment’s or a penny’s worth of joy. Then all the things you buy will become, not a tribute to you, but a reproach; not an achievement, but a reminder of shame. Then you’ll scream that money is evil.
** [[Ayn Rand]], Francisco d’Anconia in ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'' (New York: 1992), p. 384.

* Work is the basis of man’s social existence. This is stressed by every social theory. In this respect, however, the problem is not that work is the basis of human existence. The problem relates to the nature of work: Is it in opposition to or in harmony with the biologic needs of masses of people? Marx’s economic theory proved that everything that is produced in the way of economic values comes about through the expenditure of man’s living working power, and not through the expenditure of dead material.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10.

* It is clear that mechanistic, biologically unsatisfying work is a product of the widespread mechanistic view of life and the machine civilization. Can the biologic function of work be reconciled with the social function of work? This is possible, but firmly entrenched ideas and institutions must be radically corrected first. &lt;br&gt; The craftsman of the nineteenth century still had a full relationship to the product of his work. But when, as in a Ford factory, a worker has to perform one and the same manipulation year in and year out, always working on one detail and never the product as a whole, it is out of the question to speak of satisfying work. The specialized and mechanized division of labour, together with the system of paid labour in general, produce the effect that the working man has no relationship to the [[machine]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 287.

* Only when one is objectively and intimately related to one’s work is one capable of comprehending just how destructive the dictatorial and formal democratic forms of work are, not only for work itself but also for the [[pleasure]] of work. When a man takes pleasure in his work, we call his relationship to it ‘libidinous’. Since work and sexuality (in both the strict and broad senses of the word) are intimately interwoven, man’s relationship to work is also a question of the sex-economy of masses of people. The hygiene of the work process is dependent upon the way masses of people use and gratify their biologic energy. Work and sexuality derive from the same biologic energy.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 293.

* The relationship between the worker’s [[sexual]] life and the performance of his work is of decisive importance. It is not as if work diverted sexual energy from gratification, so that the more one worked the less need one would have for sexual gratification. The opposite of this is the case: The more gratifying one’s sexual life is, the more fulfilling and pleasurable is one ’s work, if all external conditions are fulfilled. Gratified sexual energy is spontaneously converted into an interest in work and an urge for activity. In contrast to this, one’s work is disturbed in various ways if one’s sexual need is not gratified and is suppressed. Hence, a basic principle of the work hygiene of a work-democratic society is: It is necessary to establish not only the best external conditions of work, but also to create the inner biologic preconditions to allow the fullest unfolding of the biologic urge for activity. Hence, the safeguarding of a completely satisfying sexual life for the working masses is the most important precondition of pleasurable work. In any society the degree to which work kills the joy of life, the degree to which it is represented as a [[duty]] (whether to a ‘fatherland’, the ‘proletariat’, the ‘nation’ or whatever other names these [[illusions]] may have), is a sure yardstick on which to measure the anti-[[democratic]] character of the [[ruling class]] of this [[society]].
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 10, p. 295.

* The working [[men]] and [[women]] who [[think]] and [[act]] in a work-[[democratic]] way do not come out against the [[politician]]. It is not his fault or his intention that the practical result of his work exposes the illusionary and irrational character of politics. Those who are engaged in [[practical]] work, regardless what field they are in, are intensely concerned with practical tasks in the improvement of [[life]]. Those who are engaged in practical work are not against one thing or another. It is only the politician who, having no practical tasks is always against and never for something. Politics in general is characterized by this ‘being against’ one thing or another. That which is productive in a practical way is not accomplished by politicians, but by working men and women, whether it is in accord with the politicians’ [[ideologies]] or not.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 11, p. 368.

* For centuries on end it has been precisely vitally necessary work that the political [[ideology]] of the ruling but nonworking classes has depreciated. On the other hand, it has represented non-work as a sign of noble blood. All [[socialist]] ideologies reacted to this appraisal with a mechanistic and rigid reversal of valuations. The socialists conceived of ‘work’ as relating solely to those activities that had been looked down upon in feudalism, i.e., essentially to manual labour; whereas the activity of the ruling classes was represented as non-work. To be sure, this mechanical reversal of ideologic valuations was wholly in keeping with the political concept of the two economically and personally sharply demarcated [[social classes]], the ruling and the ruled. From a purely [[economic]] point of view, society could indeed be divided into ‘those who possessed [[capital]]’ and ‘those who possessed the commodity, working power’ . From the point of view of bio-sociology, however, there could be no clear-cut division between one class and another, neither [[ideologically]] nor [[psychologically]], and certainly not on the basis of work. The discovery of the fact that the ideology of a group of people does not necessarily have to coincide with its economic situation, indeed, that economic and ideologic situation are often sharply opposed to one another, enabled us to understand the [[fascist]] movement, which had remained uncomprehended until then. In 1930 it became dear that there is a ‘cleavage’ between ideology and economy, and that the ideology of a certain class can develop into a social force, a social force that is not confined to that one class.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), ch. 11, p. 383

* For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], in ''[[w:Letters to a Young Poet|Letters to a Young Poet]]'' (1934) Letter Seven (14 May 1904).

* When men are rightly occupied, their amusement grows out of their work, as the colour-petals out of a fruitful flower;—when they are faithfully helpful and compassionate, all their emotions become steady, deep, perpetual, and vivifying to the soul as the natural pulse to the body. But now, having no true business, we pour our whole masculine energy into the false business of money-making; and having no true emotion, we must have false emotions dressed up for us to play with, not innocently, as children with dolls, but guiltily and darkly.
** [[John Ruskin]], “Sesame and Lilies” (1865)

* '''Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so. The first kind is unpleasant and ill paid; the second is pleasant and highly paid.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.zpub.com/notes/idle.html In Praise of Idleness]'' (1932).

* Modern technique has made it possible for leisure, within limits, to be not the prerogative of small privileged classes, but a right evenly distributed throughout the community. The morality of work is the morality of slaves, and the modern world has no need of slavery.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.zpub.com/notes/idle.html In Praise of Idleness]'' (1932).

* A narcissist, for example, inspired by the homage paid to great painters, may become an art student; but, as painting is for him a mere means to an end, the technique never becomes interesting … The result is failure and disappointment, with ridicule instead of the expected adulation. … All serious success in work depends upon some genuine interest. … Consequently, the man whose sole concern with the world is that is shall admire him is not likely to achieve his object.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The Conquest of Happiness'', p. 20

==S==
[[File:Solon.jpg|thumb|You made your rulers mighty, gave them guards, so now you groan 'neath slavery's heavy rod. ~ [[Solon|Solon of Athens]]]]
[[File:John_Lancaster_Spalding.png|thumb|The work whereby men gain a livelihood involves mental and moral mutilation, unless it be done in the spirit of religion and culture. ~ [[John Lancaster Spalding]]]]
* '''I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth and never cherishes any memory except the face of the woman on the American silver dollar.'''&lt;br&gt;I ask you to come through and show me where you're pouring out the blood of your life.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], &quot;To a Contemporary Bunkshooter&quot;, ''Chicago Poems'' (1916), p. 63.

* What would you do if your country's welfare depended on labor? When a ship is in a storm it requires one captain.
** [[Fritz Sauckel]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 9, 1946, from &quot;The Nuremberg Interviews&quot; by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History (2004), p. 209.

* '''When I was young I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures, so I did ten times more work.'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], as quoted in ''Appropriate Technology : A Focus for the Nineties'' (1991) by Robert William Stevens.

* Nobody would work for starvation [[wages]] if he were not in a situation in which he preferred such wages to not working at all.
** [[Georg Simmel]], ''The Philosophy of Money'' (1907).

* Have you beheld a man skillful in his work? Before kings is where he will station himself; he will not station himself before commonplace men.
**[[Solomon]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/pr/chapter_022.htm Proverbs 22: 29]

* You made your rulers mighty, gave them guards,&lt;br/&gt;So now you groan 'neath slavery's heavy rod.
** [[Solon|Solon of Athens]], as reported by [[Diogenes Laërtius]] (trans. [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C. D. Yonge]]) ''The Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers'' (1853), &quot;Solon&quot;, sect. 5, p. 25.

* We have lost the old love of work, of work which kept itself company, which was fair weather and music in the heart, which found its reward in the doing, craving neither the flattery of vulgar eyes nor the gold of vulgar men.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 21.

* The work whereby men gain a livelihood involves mental and moral mutilation, unless it be done in the spirit of religion and culture.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 59

* Things may be traded in the city but it is the fisherman who brings in the food supply.
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.01.html Collection I] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Work is valued by the social value of the worker.
** [[Gloria Steinem]], ''Moving Beyond Words'' (1994), Part 5.

* The men at the factory are old and cunning
:You don't owe nothing, so boy get running
:It's the best years of your life they want to steal.
:* [[Joe Strummer]], “Clampdown” (1979)

* Understanding how the [[w:Agricultural revolution|agricultural revolution]] transformed [[human]] [[societies]] was once no more than a question of [[intellectual]] [[curiosity]]. Now, though, it has taken on a more [[practical]] and [[urgent]] aspect. Many of the [[challenges]] created by the agricultural revolution, such as the [[problem]] of [[w:Scarcity|scarcity]], have largely been solved by [[technology]] – yet our preoccupation with hard work and unrestrained [[economic growth]] remains undimmed.
:* [[James Suzman]], [https://www.theguardian.com/inequality/2017/dec/05/how-neolithic-farming-sowed-the-seeds-of-modern-inequality-10000-years-ago “How Neolithic farming sowed the seeds of modern inequality 10,000 years ago”], ''The Guardian'', (5 Dec, 2017).

* I just don't understand the world's unhealthy obsession with work. Its all about vanity anyway. Ooh, look how hard I worked! And what a good work I did. Well screw you, workie. Get lost. Shut up. We're trying to listen to records here.
** {{w|John Swartzwelder}}, ''Detective Made Easy'' (2013)

==T==
* I suddenly felt insecure and feared becoming an employee of some firm that would turn me into a corporate slave with &quot;work ethics&quot; (whenever I hear the word ''work ethics'' I interpret ''inefficient mediocrity'').
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets'' (2001) Seven: The Problem of Induction | Sir Karl's Promoting Agent

* ''Laborare est orare''. [To work is to pray.] By the Puritan moralist the ancient maxim is repeated with a new and intenser significance. The labor which he idealizes is not simply a requirement imposed by nature, or a punishment for the sin of Adam. It is itself a kind of [[asceticism|ascetic]] discipline, more rigorous than that demanded of any order of [[w:Mendicant|mendicants]]—a discipline imposed by the will of God, and to be undergone, not in solitude, but in the punctual discharge of secular duties. It is not merely an economic means, to be laid aside when physical needs have been satisfied. It is a spiritual end, for in it alone can the soul find health, and it must be continued as an ethical duty long after it has ceased to be a material necessity.
** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''Religion and the Rise of Capitalism'' (1926), p. 242

* I am credited with being one of the hardest workers and perhaps I am, if thought is the equivalent of labour, for I have devoted to it almost all of my waking hours. But if work is interpreted to be a definite performance in a specified time according to a rigid rule, then I may be the worst of idlers. Every effort under compulsion demands a sacrifice of life-energy. I never paid such a price. On the contrary, I have thrived on my thoughts.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], in [http://www.tfcbooks.com/tesla/1919-00-00.htm &quot;My Inventions&quot;] first published in ''Electrical Experimenter'' magazine (1919); republished as ''My Inventions : The Autobiography of Nikola Tesla'' (1983).

* Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], on patent controversies regarding the [[w:Invention of radio|invention of Radio]] and other things, as quoted in &quot;A Visit to Nikola Tesla&quot; by Dragislav L. Petkovic in ''Politika'' (April 1927);&lt;!-- Perhaps from an interview in January 1927 --&gt; as quoted in ''Tesla, Master of Lightning'' (1999) by Margaret Cheney, Robert Uth, and Jim Glenn, p. 73 &lt;!-- Barnes &amp; Noble Publishing --&gt; &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0760710058}} &lt;/small&gt; ; also in ''Tesla: Man Out of Time'' (2001) by Margaret Cheney, p. 230 &lt;!-- Simon and Schuster --&gt;&lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0743215362}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The scientific man does not aim at an immediate result. He does not expect that his advanced ideas will be readily taken up. His work is like that of the planter — for the future. His duty is to lay the foundation for those who are to come, and point the way. He lives and labors and hopes.
** [[Nikola Tesla]], &quot;Radio Power Will Revolutionize the World&quot;, ''Modern Mechanics and Inventions'' (July 1934).

* This world is a place of business. What an infinite bustle! ... It would be glorious to see mankind at [[leisure]] for once. It is nothing but work, work, work. I cannot easily buy a blank-book to write thoughts in; they are commonly ruled for dollars and cents. ... If a man was tossed out of a window when an infant, and so made a cripple for life, … it is regretted chiefly because he was thus incapacitated for—business! I think there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to [[poetry]], to [[philosophy]], ay, to life itself, than this incessant business.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], “Life without Principle,” 1.4

* Drive a nail home and clinch it so faithfully that you can wake up in the night and think of your work with satisfaction,—a work at which you would not be ashamed to invoke the Muse.
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], ''Walden'', chapter 18, p. 436 (1966). Originally published in 1854.

* It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about?
** [[Henry David Thoreau]], letter to Harrison Blake (16 November 1857).

* Nothing tends to materialize man and to deprive his work of the faintest trace of mind more than the extreme [[division of labor]].
** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], Democracy in America, vol. 1, chapter 18 (1835).

* Work consists of whatever a [[body]] is OBLIGED to do, and...[[Play]] consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[[w:The Adventures of Tom Sawyer|The Adventures of Tom Sawyer]]'' (1876), Ch. 2.

==V==
*''Il est bien malaisé (puisqu’il faut enfin m’expliquer) d’ôter à des insensés des chaînes qu’ils révèrent.''
** '''It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.'''
*** [[Voltaire]], ''Le dîner du comte de Boulainvilliers'' (1767): Troisième Entretien

==W==
* The bourgeoisie first betrayed society through capitalism and finance, and now labor betrays it by embracing a scheme of things which sees profit only, not duty and honor, in work. This view will seem hopelessly unrealistic to those who do not admit that sentiment toward the whole is the only ultimate means of measuring value.
** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 75

* The idea that work is something apportioned out by men leaves people discontent with their portion and dubious about whether work is a good thing at all. … The ancient injunction to labor fades when we regard our work as cut out for us by men, who, by present dogma, are no better than ourselves. That curious modern [[wikt:hypostatization|hypostatization]] “service” is often called in to substitute for the now incomprehensible doctrine of vocation. It tries to secure subordination by hypothesizing something larger than the self, which turns out, however, to be only a multitude of selfish selves. The familiar change from quality to quantity may again be noted; one serves not the higher part of the self (this entails hierarchy) … but merely consumer demand. And who admires those at the top of a hierarchy of consumption? Man as a consuming animal is thus seen to be not enough.
** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 77

* Labor in this country is independent and proud. It has not to ask the patronage of [[capital]], but capital solicits the aid of labor.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''A discourse, delivered at Plymouth, December 22, 1820. In commemoration of the first settlement of New-England''.

* They are usually denominated labor-saving machines, but it would be more just to call them labor-doing machines.
** [[Daniel Webster]], remarks in the Senate (March 12, 1838); ''The Writings and Speeches of Daniel Webster'' (1903), vol. 8, p. 177.

*America has lost more than 12 million jobs in the last six months. An estimated 12 million people have lost their employer-sponsored health insurance during the worst pandemic in a century. Tens of millions report not having enough to eat. But one month ago, tens of millions of unemployed Americans lost... a $600 weekly federal unemployment insurance benefit that Congress failed to renew... How can this happen in a democracy? This is a question that everyone who works for a living... might want to consider on this Labor Day... If the facts of this political disaster were more widely known and understood, Republicans could lose not only the presidency but also the Senate in November. After all, millions of unemployed Republicans lost most of their income as a result of what their political party...did... Republican senators repeatedly expressed worries that the unemployment benefits created a &quot;disincentive to work.&quot; But economists have found no evidence of this; on the contrary, millions of workers who were receiving these benefits returned to work in May through July, and there are more than 11 million more workers and there are more than 11 million more workers unemployed than there are job openings.
**[[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://www.timesfreepress.com/news/opinion/times-commentary/story/2020/sep/06/weisbrot-whour-government-doing-labor/531611/ What is our government doing to labor?], [[w:Chattanooga Times Free Press|Times Free Press]], (6 September 2020)

* [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul's]] ... [[w:He who does not work, neither shall he eat|no-work-no-eat doctrine]] was directed by him only against the poor. All around him were the rich, virginally innocent of toil, and yet who were gorged to the gullet.
** [[Bouck White]], ''The Call of the Carpenter'' (1914), p. 238

* We live in the age of the overworked, and the under-educated; the age in which people are so industrious that they become absolutely stupid.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], Gilbert, in ''The Critic as Artist'', pt. 2 (1891)

==Y==
* If we expand the notion of work, which is something that a [[universal basic income]] would help us do, it would begin to compensate parents and caregivers; it would begin to recognize different forms of work.
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=43m59s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 43:59 (20 August 2018)

* [A universal basic income] would be one of the greatest catalysts to entrepreneurship and creativity we have ever seen, and I've worked with hundreds of entrepreneurs over the years. We have to put more Americans in position to do work that they value [[essentially|intrinsically]], instead of as a necessary means to [[survival]].
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=47m54s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 47:54 (20 August 2018)

* If you care about children, then [UBI] is the best way to make household and families stronger; if you care about women and economic empowerment, this is a way to make it so that women can walk away from abusive or exploitative employers; if you care about communities of color, they would benefit much more proportionally from a thousand dollars a month than other communities, because they have lower access to various jobs and opportunities. This is the way that we can reform society in a way that actually serves all of our goals, our collective goals. And at least one study showed that if you would alleviate [[child poverty]], you would increase GDP by 700 billion dollars, because of better health outcomes, [[Education|educational]] outcomes, higher worker [[productivity]], better [[mental health]]... We have to start investing in our [[people]], intrinsically. 
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=53m30s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 53:30 (20 August 2018)

*We have to say &quot;we are the citizens and owners and stakeholders of this society, we can vote ourselves a dividend, and it's up to us to build an economy that serves us, because... this economy is not designed to serve human beings. It is designed to serve [[Capitalism|capital efficiency]]. And for a long time, that also served human beings, but increasingly it's going to be that having lots of humans working for a company is irrelevant, or even negative, for [[Profit|corporate success]]. And we can see this by the fact that '''94% of the new jobs created since 2005 to 2015, were [[W:gig economy|gig economy]], temp and contractor jobs, because the employer said &quot;you know what? I'd rather not have a full-time employee, I'd rather not pay health care benefits&quot;, and that's why so many Americans right now are in that position.''' So we have to start recognizing that the economy is changing for good, and that it's up to us, the citizens of this country, to rewrite the rules the economy to serve us. We have to make the market serve us, and not have us all be [[slaves]] to the market, because the market is not going to care one whit about [[Working class|us]] increasingly over time.
** [[Andrew Yang]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfDpS5w3wUw&amp;t=53m30s Is our economy totally screwed? Andrew Yang and I debate], ''The Ezra Klein Show'', 53:30 (20 August 2018)

* '''It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit.'''
** [[w:Robert Yates (politician)|Robert Yates]], as quoted in ''The Team Selling Solution : Creating and Managing Teams That Win'' (2003) by Steve Waterhouse, p. 51.

* Jesus once said that the dead should let to bury the dead (Luke 9:60). This shows no disrespect for the dead. It shows an awareness that there are some functions in society that will be well taken care of without Christians investing their creativity in those functions. Someone else, in meeting such needs, can make a stable living. Burying the dead is still one of the businesses in which you can make a stable living. There are other such services that we can count on society handling by itself. Leadership in government and business are among these. Let us reserve our limited creativity for functions that will not be taken care of if we do not to it.
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''Radical Christian Discipleship'' (2012), p. 41

==Z==
* ''La tierra es de quien la trabaja con sus manos.''
** '''The land belongs to those who work it with their hands.'''
*** [[Emiliano Zapata]], quoted as a slogan of the revolutionaries in ''Shirt-Sleeve Diplomat'' (1947) Vol. 5, p. 199, by Josephus Daniels, and specifically attributed to Zapata by Ángel Zúñiga in 1998, as quoted in ''Mexican Social Movements and the Transition to Democracy'' (2005), by John Stolle-McAllister

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 907-11.&lt;/small&gt;

* Labour in vain; or coals to Newcastle.
** Anon. In a sermon to the people of Queen-Hith. Advertised in the Daily Courant, Oct. 6, 1709. Published in Paternoster Row, London. &quot;Coals to Newcastle,&quot; or &quot;from Newcastle,&quot; found in Heywood—If you Know Not Me, Part II. (1606). Gaunt—Bills of Mortality. (1661). Middleton—Phœnix, Act I, scene 5. R. Thoresby—Correspondence. Letter June 29, 1682. Owls to Athens. (Athenian coins were stamped with the owl.) Aristophanes—Aves. 301. Diogenes Laertius—Lives of Eminent Philosophers. Plato, XXXII. You are importing pepper into Hindostan. From the Bustan of Sadi.

* ''Qui laborat, orat.''
** He who labours, [[Prayer|prays]].
** Attr. to [[St. Augustine]].

* When Adam dolve, and Eve span,&lt;br&gt;Who was then the gentleman?
** Lines used by John Ball in Wat Tyler's Rebellion. See Hume, ''History of England'', Volume I, Chapter XVII. Note 8. So Adam reutte, und Eva span, Wer war da ein eddelman? (Old German saying).

* ''Qui orat et laborat, cor levat ad Deum cum manibus.''
** He who prays and labours lifts his heart to God with his hands.
** [[St. Bernard]], ''Ad sororem''. A similar expression is found in the works of Gregory the Great—Moral in Libr. Job, Book XVIII. Also in Pseudo-Hieron, in Jerem., Thren. III. 41. See also &quot;What worship, for example, is there not in mere washing!&quot; Carlyle—Past and Present, Chapter XV., referring to &quot;Work is prayer&quot;.

* Tools were made and born were hands,&lt;br&gt;Every   understands.
** [[William Blake]], ''Proverbs''.

* ''Hâtez-vous lentement; et, sans perdre courage,&lt;br&gt;Vingt fois sur le métier remettez votre ouvrage.''
** Hasten slowly, and without losing heart, put your work twenty times upon the anvil.
** [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux]], ''L'Art Poétique'' (1674), I, 171.

* The dog that trots about finds a bone.
** [[George Borrow]], ''Bible in Spain'', Chapter XLVII. (Cited as a gipsy saying).

* The best verse hasn't been rhymed yet,&lt;br&gt; The best house hasn't been planned,&lt;br&gt;The highest peak hasn't been climbed yet,&lt;br&gt; The mightiest rivers aren't spanned;&lt;br&gt;Don't worry and fret, faint-hearted,&lt;br&gt; The chances have just begun&lt;br&gt;For the best jobs haven't been started,&lt;br&gt; The best work hasn't been done.
** [[Berton Braley]], ''No Chance''.

* Not all the labor of the earth&lt;br&gt;Is done by hardened hands.
** [[Will Carleton]], ''A Working Woman''.

* And yet without labour there were no ease, no rest, so much as conceivable.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Essays'', Characteristics.

* It is the first of all problems for a man to find out what kind of work he is to do in this universe.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], address at Edinburgh (1866).

* Genuine Work alone, what thou workest faithfully, that is eternal, as the Almighty Founder and World-Builder himself.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Past and Present'', Book II, Chapter XVII.

* All work, even cotton-spinning, is noble; work is alone noble.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Past and Present'', Book III, Chapter IV.

* With hand on the spade and heart in the sky&lt;br&gt; Dress the ground and till it;&lt;br&gt;Turn in the little seed, brown and dry,&lt;br&gt; Turn out the golden millet.&lt;br&gt;Work, and your house shall be duly fed:&lt;br&gt; Work, and rest shall be won;&lt;br&gt;I hold that a man had better be dead&lt;br&gt; Than alive when his work is done.
** [[Alice Cary]], ''Work''.

* They can expect nothing but their labor for their pains.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''{{w|Don Quixote}}'', Author's Preface. [[Edward Moore]], ''The Boy and the Rainbow''.

* Earned with the sweat of my brows.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Part I, Book I, Chapter 4.

* ''Quanto mas que cada uno es hijo de sus obras.
** The rather since every man is the son of his own works.
** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Book I, Chapter 4.

* Labor is discovered to be the grand conqueror, enriching and building up nations more surely than the proudest battles.
** [[William Ellery Channing]], ''War''.

* Each natural agent works but to this end,—&lt;br&gt;To render that it works on like itself.
** [[George Chapman]], ''Bussy d'Ambois'', Act III, scene 1.

* Ther n' is no werkman whatever he be,&lt;br&gt;That may both werken wel and hastily.&lt;br&gt;This wol be done at leisure parfitly.
** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''Canterbury Tales'', The Merchantes Tale, line 585.

* Nowher so besy a man as he ther was,&lt;br&gt;And yet he semed bisier than he was.
** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''Canterbury Tales'', Prologue, line 321.

* Let us take to our hearts a lesson—&lt;br&gt; No lesson could braver be—&lt;br&gt;From the ways of the tapestry weavers&lt;br&gt; On the other side of the sea.
** [[Anson G. Chester]], ''Tapestry Weavers''.

* ''Penelopæ telam retexens.''
** Unravelling the web of Penelope.
** [[Cicero]], ''Acad. Quæst'', Book IV. 29. 95.

* ''Vulgo enim dicitur, Jucundi acti labores: nec male Euripides: concludam, si potero, Latine: Græcum enim hunc versum nostis omnes: Suavis laborum est præteritorum memoria.''
** It is generally said, &quot;Past labors are pleasant,&quot; Euripides says, for you all know the Greek verse, &quot;The recollection of past labors is pleasant.&quot;
** [[Cicero]], ''De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum'', II. 32.

* ''Le fruit du travail est le plus doux des plaisirs.''
** The fruit derived from labor is the sweetest of pleasures.
** [[Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues]], ''Réflexions'', 200.

* A truly American sentiment recognises the dignity of labor and the fact that honor lies in honest toil.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], letter accepting the nomination for President. Aug. 18, 1884.

* American labor, which is the [[capital]] of our workingmen.
** [[Grover Cleveland]], Annual Message. Dec., 1885.

* All Nature seems at work, slugs leave their lair—&lt;br&gt; The bees are stirring—birds are on the wing—&lt;br&gt;And Winter, slumbering in the open air,&lt;br&gt; Wears on his smiling face a dream of Spring!&lt;br&gt; And I the while, the sole unbusy thing,&lt;br&gt; Nor honey make, nor pair, nor build, nor sing.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Work Without Hope'', Stanza 1.

* Their work will be shown for what it is, because the [[Day of Judgement|Day]] will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work.
** [[First Epistle to the Corinthians|I Corinthians]] [[w:1 Corinthians 3|3]]:13, [[New International Version]]

* Each one’s work will become obvious. For the day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire; the fire will test the quality of each one’s work.

* Work thou for pleasure—paint or sing or carve&lt;br&gt;The thing thou lovest, though the body starve—&lt;br&gt;Who works for glory misses oft the goal;&lt;br&gt;Who works for money coins his very soul.&lt;br&gt;Work for the work's sake, then, and it may be&lt;br&gt;That these things shall be added unto thee.
** [[Kenyon Cox]], ''Our Motto''.

* When admirals extoll'd for standing still,&lt;br&gt;Of doing nothing with a deal of skill.
** [[William Cowper]], ''Table Talk'', line 192.

* Better to wear out than to rust out.
** [[Bishop Cumberland]], to one who urged him not to wear himself out with work. See Horne, ''Sermon on the Duty of Contending for the Truth''. Boswell, ''Tour to the Hebrides'', p. 18. Note. Said by George Whitefield, according to Southey, ''Life of Wesley'', II, p. 170. (Ed. 1858).

* Honest labour bears a lovely face.
** [[Thomas Dekker (writer)|Thomas Dekker]], ''Patient Grissell'' (1599), Act I, scene 1.

* The Lord had a job for me, but I had so much to do,&lt;br&gt;I said, &quot;You get somebody else—or wait till I get through.&quot;&lt;br&gt;I don't know how the Lord came out, but He seemed to get along:&lt;br&gt;But I felt kinda sneakin' like, 'cause I know'd I done Him wrong.&lt;br&gt;One day I needed the Lord—needed Him myself—needed Him right away,&lt;br&gt;And He never answered me at all, but I could hear Him say&lt;br&gt;Down in my accusin' heart, &quot;Nigger, I'se got too much to do,&lt;br&gt;You get somebody else or wait till I get through.&quot;
** [[Paul Laurence Dunbar]], ''The Lord had a Job''.

* All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.
** Quoted by [[Maria Edgeworth]], ''Henry and Lucy'', Volume II.

* 'Tis toil's reward, that sweetens industry,&lt;br&gt;As love inspires with strength the enraptur'd thrush.
** [[Ebenezer Elliot]], ''Corn Law Rhymes''. No. 7.

* Too busy with the crowded hour to fear to live or die.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Quatrains'', ''Nature''.

* A woman's work, grave sirs, is never done.
** Mr. [[Eusden]], ''Poem'', Spoken at a Cambridge Commencement.

* Labour itself is but a sorrowful song,&lt;br&gt;The protest of the weak against the strong.
** [[Frederick William Faber]], ''The Sorrowful World''.

* ''Chacun son métier;&lt;br&gt;Les vaches seront bien gardées.''
** Each one to his own trade; then would the cows be well cared for.
** [[Florian]], ''Le Vacher et le Garde-chasse''.

* A ploughman on his legs is higher than a gentleman on his knees.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* Handle your tools without mittens.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* Plough deep while sluggards sleep.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1758), Preface.

* &quot;Men work together,&quot; I told him from the heart,&lt;br&gt;&quot;Whether they work together or apart.&quot;
** [[Robert Frost]], ''Tuft of Flowers''.

* It is so far from being needless pains, that it may bring considerable profit, to carry Charcoals to Newcastle.
** [[Thomas Fuller]], ''Pisgah'', ''Sight of Palestine'' (Ed. 1650), p. 128. Worthies, p. 302. (Ed. 1661).

* In every rank, or great or small,&lt;br&gt;'Tis industry supports us all.
** [[John Gay]], ''Man, Cat, Dog, and Fly'', line 63.

* In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.
** [[Book of Genesis|Genesis]], III. 19.

* For as labor cannot produce without the use of land, the denial of the equal right to the use of land is necessarily the denial of the right of labor to its own produce.
** [[Henry George]], ''Progress and Poverty'', Book VII, Chapter I.

* ''So eine Arbeit wird eigentlich nie fertig; man muss sie für fertig erklären, wenn man nach Zeit und Umstand das Möglichste getan hat.''
** Properly speaking, such work is never finished; one must declare it so when, according to time and circumstances, one has done one's best.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Italienische Reise'' (March 16, 1787).

* How blest is he who crowns in shades like these,&lt;br&gt;A youth of labour with an age of ease.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Deserted Village'' (1770), line 99.

* He that well his warke beginneth&lt;br&gt;The rather a good ende he winneth.
** [[John Gower]], ''Confessio Amantis'' (c.1386–1393).

* ''Vitam perdidi laboricose agendo.''
** I have spent my life laboriously doing nothing.
** Quoted by [[Grotius]] on his death bed.

* A warke it ys as easie to be done&lt;br&gt;As tys to saye Jacke! robys on.
** {{w|James Halliwell-Phillipps}}, ''Archæological Dictionary''. Quoted from an old Play. See Grose—Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar tongue. Hudson, the English singer, made popular the refrain, &quot;Before ye could cry 'Jack Robinson.'&quot;

* Joy to the Toiler!—him that tills&lt;br&gt; The fields with Plenty crowned;&lt;br&gt;Him with the woodman's axe that thrills&lt;br&gt; The wilderness profound.
** [[Benjamin Hathaway]], ''Songs of the Toiler''.

* If little labour, little are our gaines:&lt;br&gt;Man's fortunes are according to his paines.
** [[Robert Herrick (poet)|Robert Herrick]], ''Hesperides'', ''No Paines, No Gaines''.

* Haste makes waste.
** [[John Heywood]], ''Proverbs'', Part I, Chapter II.

* The &quot;value&quot; or &quot;worth&quot; of a man is, as of all other things, his price; that is to say, so much as would be given for the use of his power.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''Leviathan'', Chapter X.

* To labour is the lot of man below;&lt;br&gt;And when Jove gave us life, he gave us woe.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book X, line 78. Pope's translation.

* Light is the task when many share the toil.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XII, line 493. Bryant's translation.

* Our fruitless labours mourn,&lt;br&gt;And only rich in barren fame return.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book X, line 46. Pope's translation.

* The fiction pleased; our generous train complies,&lt;br&gt;Nor fraud mistrusts in [[virtue]]'s fair disguise.&lt;br&gt;The work she plyed, but, studious of delay,&lt;br&gt;Each following night reversed the toils of day.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXIV, line 164. Pope's translation.

* When Darby saw the setting sun&lt;br&gt;He swung his scythe, and home he run,&lt;br&gt;Sat down, drank off his quart and said,&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done, I'll go to bed.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done!&quot; retorted Joan,&lt;br&gt;&quot;My work is done! Your constant tone,&lt;br&gt;But hapless woman ne'er can say&lt;br&gt;'My work is done' till judgment day.&quot;
** [[St. John Honeywood]], ''Darby and Joan''.

* With fingers weary and worn,&lt;br&gt;With eyelids heavy and red,&lt;br&gt;A woman sat in unwomanly rags,&lt;br&gt;Plying her needle and thread.
** [[Thomas Hood]], ''Song of the Shirt''.

* Qui studet optatam cursu contingere metam&lt;br&gt;Multa tulit fecitque puer, sudavit et alsit.
** He who would reach the desired goal must, while a boy, suffer and labor much and bear both heat and cold.
** [[Horace]], ''Ars Poetica'' (18 BC), CCCCXII.

* ''O laborum&lt;br&gt;Dulce lenimen.''
** O sweet solace of labors.
** [[Horace]], ''Carmina'', I. 32. 14.

* ''In silvam ligna ferre.''
** To carry timber into the wood.
** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 10. 24.

* ''Facito aliquid operis, ut semper te diabolus inveniat occupatum.''
** Keep doing some kind of work, that the devil may always find you employed.
** [[St. Jerome]].

* I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
** [[Jerome K. Jerome]], ''Three Men in a Boat'', Chapter XV.

* ''Cur quæris quietem, quam natus sis ad laborem?''
** Why seekest thou rest, since thou art born to labor?
** [[Thomas á Kempis]], ''De Imitatione Christi'', II. 10. 1.

* Tho' we earn our bread, Tom,&lt;br&gt; By the dirty pen,&lt;br&gt;What we can we will be,&lt;br&gt; Honest Englishmen.&lt;br&gt;Do the work that's nearest&lt;br&gt; Though it's dull at whiles,&lt;br&gt;Helping, when we meet them,&lt;br&gt; Lame dogs over stiles.
** [[Charles Kingsley]], Letter. To Thomas Hughes (1856), inviting Hughes and Tom Taylor to go fishing. See Memoirs of Kingsley, by his wife, Chapter XV.

* For men must work and women must weep,&lt;br&gt;And the sooner it's over the sooner to sleep,&lt;br&gt; And good-bye to the bar and its moaning.
** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''Three Fishers''.

* But till we are built like angels, with hammer and chisel and pen,&lt;br&gt;We will work for ourself and a woman, for ever and ever, Amen.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Imperial Rescript''.

* The gull shall whistle in his wake, the blind wave break in fire.&lt;br&gt;He shall fulfill God's utmost will, unknowing His desire,&lt;br&gt;And he shall see old planets pass and alien stars arise,&lt;br&gt;And give the gale his reckless sail in shadow of new skies.&lt;br&gt;Strong lust of gear shall drive him out and hunger arm his hand,&lt;br&gt;To wring his food from a desert nude, his foothold from the sand.
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''The Fareloper (Interloper)''. Pub. in Century Magazine, April, 1909. First pub. in London Daily Telegraph, Jan. 1, 1909. Title given as Vortrekker in his Songs From Books.

* And only the Master shall praise us, and only the Master shall blame;&lt;br&gt;And no one shall work for money, and no one shall work for fame;&lt;br&gt;But each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,&lt;br&gt;Shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They Are!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''L'Envoi'', ''In Seven Seas''.

* And the Sons of Mary smile and are blessed—they know the angels are on their side;&lt;br&gt;They know in them is the Grace confessed, and for them are the Mercies multiplied;&lt;br&gt;They sit at the Feet, they hear the Word, they see how truly the Promise runs;&lt;br&gt;They have cast their burden upon the Lord, and—the Lord He lays it on Martha's Sons!
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''The Sons of Mary''.

* Who first invented work, and bound the free&lt;br&gt;And holyday-rejoicing spirit down  *  *  *&lt;br&gt;To that dry drudgery at the desk's dead wood?  *  *  *&lt;br&gt;Sabbathless Satan!
** [[Charles Lamb]], ''Work''.

* The finest eloquence is that which gets things done; the worst is that which delays them.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], at the Conference of Paris (Jan., 1919).

* Unemployment, with its injustice for the man who seeks and thirsts for employment, who begs for labour and cannot get it, and who is punished for failure he is not responsible for by the starvation of his children—that torture is something that private enterprise ought to remedy for its own sake.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], speech (Dec. 6, 1919).

* The heights by great men reached and kept&lt;br&gt;Were not attained by sudden flight,&lt;br&gt;But they, while l heir companions slept,&lt;br&gt;Were toiling upward in the night.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Birds of Passage'', ''The Ladder of St. Augustine'', Stanza 10.

* Taste the joy&lt;br&gt;That springs from labor.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Masque of Pandora'', Part VI. In the Garden. &quot;From labor there shall come forth rest.&quot;--Longfellow—To a Child, line 162.

* Never idle a moment, but thrifty and thoughtful of others.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VIII, line 46.

* No man is born into the world whose work&lt;br&gt;Is not born with him; there is always work,&lt;br&gt;And tools to work withal, for those who will;&lt;br&gt;And blessed are the horny hands of toil!
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Glance Behind the Curtain'', line 202. &quot;Horny-handed sons of toil.&quot; Popularized by Denis Kearney (Big Denny), of San Francisco.

* ''Labor est etiam ipsa voluptas.''
** Labor is itself a pleasure.
** [[Marcus Manilius]], ''Astronomica'', IV. 155.

* How bething the, gentliman,&lt;br&gt; How Adam dalf, and Eve span.
** Manuscript of the Fifteenth Century. British Museum.

* Bowed by the weight of centuries he leans&lt;br&gt;Upon his hoe and gazes on the ground,&lt;br&gt;The emptiness of ages in his face,&lt;br&gt;And on his back the burden of the world.
** [[Edwin Markham]], ''The Man with the Hoe''. Written after seeing Millet's picture &quot;Angelus&quot;.

* ''Divisum sic breve fiet opus.''
** Work divided is in that manner shortened.
** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'' (c. 80-104 AD), Book IV. 83. 8.

* Why do strong arms fatigue themselves with frivolous dumb-bells? To dig a vineyard is a worthier exercise for men.
** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'' (c. 80-104 AD), Book XIV, Epigram 49.

* God be thank'd that the dead have left still&lt;br&gt; Good undone for the living to do—&lt;br&gt;Still some aim for the heart and the will&lt;br&gt; And the soul of a man to pursue.
** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Epilogue''.

* But now my task is smoothly done,&lt;br&gt;I can fly, or I can run.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Comus (John Milton)|Comus]]'' (1637), line 1,012.

* I am of nothing and to nothing tend,&lt;br&gt; On earth I nothing have and nothing claim,&lt;br&gt;Man's noblest works must have one common end,&lt;br&gt; And nothing crown the tablet of his name.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Ode upon Nothing''. Appeared in Saturday Magazine about 1836. Not in Collected Works.

* Lo! all life this truth declares,&lt;br&gt;Laborare est orare;&lt;br&gt;And the whole earth rings with prayers.
** [[Miss Mulock]], ''Labour is Prayer'', Stanza 4.

* Has it ever been really noted to what extent a genuinely religious life … requires a leisure class, or half-leisure—I mean leisure with a good conscience, from way back, by blood, to which the aristocratic feeling that work disgraces is not altogether alien—the feeling that it makes soul and body common. And that consequently our modern, noisy, time-consuming industriousness, proud of itself, stupidly proud, educates and prepares people, more than anything else does, precisely for “unbelief.”
** [[Nietzsche]], ''Beyond Good and Evil'', W. Kauffman, trans. (New York: 1992), § 58.

* Labor is life! 'Tis the still water faileth;&lt;br&gt;Idleness ever despaireth, bewaileth;&lt;br&gt;Keep the watch wound, for the dark rust assaileth.
** [[Frances S. Osgood]], ''To Labor is to Pray''.

* Labor is rest—from the sorrows that greet us;&lt;br&gt;Rest from all petty vexations that meet us,&lt;br&gt;Rest from sin-promptings that ever entreat us,&lt;br&gt;Rest from the world-sirens that hire us to ill.&lt;br&gt;Work—and pure slumbers shall wait on thy pillow;&lt;br&gt;Work—thou shalt ride over Care's coming billow;&lt;br&gt;Lie not down wearied 'neath Woe's weeping willow!&lt;br&gt;Work with a stout heart and resolute will!
** [[Frances S. Osgood]], ''To Labor is to Pray''.

* The uselessness of men above sixty years of age and the incalculable benefit it would be in commercial, in political, and in professional life, if as a matter of course, men stopped work at this age.
** [[William Osler]], address, at Johns Hopkins University (Feb. 22, 1905).

* Study until twenty-five, investigation until forty, profession until sixty, at which age I would have him retired on a double allowance.
** [[William Osler]]. The statement made by him which gave rise to the report that he had advised chloroform after sixty. Denied by him in ''Medical Record'' (March 4, 1905).

* ''Dum vires annique sinunt, tolerate labores.&lt;br&gt;Jam veniet tacito curva senecta pede.''
** While strength and years permit, endure labor; soon bent old age will come with silent foot.
** [[Ovid]], ''Ars Amatoria'', II. 669.

* And all labour without any play, boys,&lt;br&gt;Makes Jack a dull boy in the end.
** H. A. Page (pseudonym of {{w|Alexander Hay Japp}}), ''Vers de Société''.

* Many hands make light work.
** [[w:William Patten|William Patten]]{{Disambiguation needed}}. ''Expedition into Scotland'' (1547). In Arber's Reprint of 1880.

* Nothing is impossible to industry.
** [[Periander of Corinth]].

* ''Grex venalium.''
** The herd of hirelings. (A venal pack.)
** [[Plautus]], ''Cistellaria'', IV. 2. 67.

* ''Oleum et operam perdidi.''
** I have lost my oil and my labor. (Labored in vain.)
** [[Plautus]], ''Pœnulus'', I. 2. 119.

* Ease and speed in doing a thing do not give the work lasting solidity or exactness of beauty.
** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Pericles''.

* Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.
** Psalms. CIV. 23.

* When Adam dalfe and Eve spane&lt;br&gt; So spire if thou may spede,&lt;br&gt;Where was then the pride of man,&lt;br&gt; That nowe merres his mede?
** [[Richard Rolle de Hampole]], ''Early English Text Society Reprints'', No. 26, p. 79.

* The man who by his labour gets&lt;br&gt;His bread, in independent state,&lt;br&gt;Who never begs, and seldom eats,&lt;br&gt;Himself can fix or change his fate.
** [[Matthew Prior]], ''The Old Gentry''.

* ''Der Mohr hat seine Arbeit gethan, der Mohr kann gehen.''
** The Moor has done his work, the Moor may go.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Fiesco'', III. 4.

* Hard toil can roughen form and face,&lt;br&gt;And want can quench the eye's bright grace.
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto I, Stanza 28.

* Why, universal plodding poisons up&lt;br&gt;The nimble spirits in the arteries,&lt;br&gt;As motion and long-during action tires&lt;br&gt;The sinewy vigour of the traveller.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act IV, scene 3, line 305.

* Why, Hal, 'tis my vocation. Hal: 'tis no sin for a man to labour in his vocation.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 2, line 116.

* Another lean, unwashed artificer.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[King John]]'' (1598), Act IV, scene 2, line 201.

* I have had my labour for my travail.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Troilus and Cressida]]'' (c. 1602), Act I, scene 1, line 72.

* The labour we delight in physics pain.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Macbeth]]'' (1605), Act II, scene 3, line 55.

* What work's, my countrymen, in hand? where go you&lt;br&gt;With bats and clubs? The matter? speak, I pray you.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act I, scene 1, line 55.

* A man who has no office to go to—I don't care who he is—is a trial of which you can have no conception.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Irrational Knot'', Chapter XVIII.

* I am giving you examples of the fact that this creature man, who in his own selfish affairs is a coward to the backbone, will fight for an idea like a hero…. I tell you, gentlemen, if you can shew a man a piece of what he now calls God's work to do, and what he will later call by many new names, you can make him entirely reckless of the consequences to himself personally.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman'' (1903), Act III.

* A day's work is a day's work, neither more nor less, and the man who does it needs a day's sustenance, a night's repose, and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman.
** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Unsocial Socialist'', Chapter V.

* Many faint with toil,&lt;br&gt;That few may know the cares and woe of sloth.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Queen Mab'' (1813), Canto III.

* How many a rustic Milton has passed by,&lt;br&gt;Stifling the speechless longings of his heart,&lt;br&gt;In unremitting drudgery and care!&lt;br&gt;How many a vulgar Cato has compelled&lt;br&gt;His energies, no longer tameless then,&lt;br&gt;To mould a pin, or fabricate a nail!
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Queen Mab'' (1813), Part V, Stanza 9.

* Nothing can be done at once hastily and prudently.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''. 357.

** Labour of love.
** [[First Epistle to the Thessalonians|I Thessalonians]]. I. 3.

* ''Ne laterum laves.''
** Do not wash bricks. (Waste your labor).
** [[Terence]], ''Phormio'', I, IV. 9. A Greek proverb.

* With starving labor pampering idle waste;&lt;br&gt;To tear at pleasure the defected land.
** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], Liberty, Part IV, line 1,160.

* The labourer is worthy of his reward.
** [[First Epistle to Timothy|I Timothy]]. V. 18; Luke. X. 7. (hire).

* A workman that needeth not to be ashamed.
** [[W:Second Epistle to Timothy|II Timothy]], II. 15.

* Clamorous pauperism feasteth&lt;br&gt;While honest Labor, pining, hideth his sharp ribs.
** [[Martin Tupper]], ''Of Discretion''.

* Heaven is blessed with perfect rest but the blessing of earth is toil.
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], ''Toiling of Felix'', last line.

* Labor omnia vincit improbus.
** Stubborn labor conquers everything.
** [[Virgil]], ''Georgics'' (c. 29 BC), I. 145.

* Work spares us from three [[evils]]: [[boredom]], '''vice''' and [[Poverty|need]].
** [[Voltaire]],''Candide, ou l'Optimisme'' (1759) Chapter 30. Conclusion.

* Too long, that some may rest,&lt;br&gt;Tired millions toil unblest.
** [[William Watson]], ''New National Anthem''.

* But when dread Sloth, the Mother of Doom, steals in,&lt;br&gt;And reigns where Labour's glory was to serve,&lt;br&gt;Then is the day of crumbling not far off.
** [[William Watson]], ''The Mother of Doom'' (August 28, 1919).

* In books, or work, or healthful play.
** [[Isaac Watts]], ''Divine Songs'', XX.

* Labor in this country is independent and proud. It has not to ask the patronage of [[capital]], but capital solicits the aid of labor.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech, April, 1824.

* There will be little drudgery in this better ordered world. Natural power harnessed in machines will be the general drudge. What drudgery is inevitable will be done as a service and duty for a few years or months out of each life; it will not consume nor degrade the whole life of anyone.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''Outline of History'', Chapter XLI. Par. 4.

* Ah, little recks the laborer,&lt;br&gt;How near his work is holding him to God,&lt;br&gt;The loving Laborer through space and time.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Song of the Exposition'', I.

* Thine to work as well as pray,&lt;br&gt;Clearing thorny wrongs away;&lt;br&gt;Plucking up the weeds of sin,&lt;br&gt;Letting heaven's warm sunshine in.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Curse of the Charter-Breakers'', Stanza 21.

* ''Ah vitam perdidi operse nihil agendo.''
** Ah, my life is lost in laboriously doing nothing.
** [[Josiah Woodward]], ''Fair Warnings to a Careless World'', p. 97. Ed. 1736, quoting Merick Casaubon.

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* The day is short, the labor long, the workers are idle, and reward is great, and the Master is urgent.
** [[Aboth]], 2:15, saying of Rabbi Tarfon. Pirkay Avot, often known in English as the &quot;Chapters of the Fathers&quot;, is the best known of the books of the Mishnah, first part of the Talmud. Translations vary; that above is from A Treasury of Jewish Quotations, ed. Joseph L. Baron, p. 277 (1956).

* Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
** Attributed to Sir [[James Matthew Barrie]], ''The International Encyclopedia of Quotations'', comp. John P. Bradley, Leo F. Daniels, and Thomas C. Jones, p. 781 (1978). Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* The most unhappy of all men is the man who cannot tell what he is going to do, who has got no work cut-out for him in the world, and does not go into it. For work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind,—honest work, which you intend getting done.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], inaugural address as rector of the University of Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Scotland, April 2, 1866.—Carlyle, Critical and Miscellaneous Essays, vol. 6 (vol. 29 of The Works of Thomas Carlyle), p. 455 (1899, reprinted 1969).

* Do the day's work. If it be to protect the rights of the weak, whoever objects, do it. If it be to help a powerful corporation better to serve the people, whatever the opposition, do that. Expect to be called a stand-patter, but don't be a stand-patter. Expect to be called a demagogue, but don't be a demagogue. Don't hesitate to be as revolutionary as science. Don't hesitate to be as reactionary as the multiplication table. Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong. Don't hurry to legislate. Give administration a chance to catch up with legislation.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], speech to the Massachusetts state Senate on being elected its president, Boston, Massachusetts, January 7, 1914.—Coolidge, Have Faith in Massachusetts, p. 7–8 (1919).

* Our greatest weariness comes from work not done.
** [[Eric Hoffer]], &quot;Thoughts of Eric Hoffer&quot;, Including: 'Absolute Faith Corrupts Absolutely,'&quot; The New York Times Magazine, April 25, 1971, p. 55.

* If you work for a man, in heaven's name work for him!&lt;br&gt;If he pays you [[wages]] that supply you your bread and butter, work for him—speak well of him, think well of him, stand by him and stand by the institution he represents.&lt;br&gt;I think if I worked for a man I would work for him. I would not work for him a part of the time, and the rest of the time work against him. I would give an undivided service or none.&lt;br&gt;If put to the pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], &quot;Get Out or Get in Line&quot;, Selected Writings of Elbert Hubbard, p. 59–60 (1928).

* In the Great Society, work shall be an outlet for man's interests and desires. Each individual shall have full opportunity to use his capacities in employment which satisfies personally and contributes generally to the quality of the Nation's life.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], Manpower Report of the President, March 5, 1965. ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Lyndon B. Johnson, 1965'', book 1, p. 262.

* I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.
** Attributed to [[Helen Keller]], Charles L. Wallis, The Treasure Chest, p. 240 (1983). Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* As good play for nothing, you know, as work for nothing.
** Sir [[Walter Scott]], letter to Charles Kirkpatrick Sharpe, December 30, 1808.—John Gibson Lockhart, The Life of Sir Walter Scott, vol. 3, p. 144 (1902, reprinted 1983). Another use of this proverb was attributed, in an obituary, to [[[[Sir Alexander Cockburn, 12th Baronet|Sir Alexander Cockburn]], Lord Chief Justice of England. &quot;He subsequently acquired a large practice in London in railway and election cases. Although he did his best for his clients, he was careful that they should do their duty by him, and the story is told that on one occasion, when an election committee met, Mr. Cockburn, the counsel for one of the parties, was absent because his fee had not accompanied the brief and the only message left was that he had gone to the Derby, with the remark that 'a man might as well play for nothing as work for nothing.'&quot; ''Canada Law Journal'', January 1, 1881, p. 11.

* ''[[w:Workers of the world, unite!|Workers of the world, unite!]]''
** The Communist Manifesto (1848), by [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]]
** Russian: ''Proletarii vsekh stran, soyedinyaytes!'' The phrase later appeared in the State Emblem of the Soviet Union, starting in 1919.

* You must obey this now for a Law, that he that will not worke shall not eate (except by sicknesse he be disabled:) for the labours of thirtie or fortie honest and industrious men shall not be consumed to maintaine an hundred and fiftie idle loyterers.
** Captain [[John Smith]], advice to his company when he was governor of Jamestown Colony, Virginia, 1608.—Smith, The Generall Historie of Virginia, New England &amp; The Summer Isles, vol. 1, chapter 10, p. 174 (1907). The preceding paragraph notes that &quot;six houres each day was spent in worke, the rest in Pastime and merry exercises, but the untowardnesse of the greatest number caused the President [to] advise as followeth&quot;.

==''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)==
: &lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 164-165.&lt;/small&gt;

* The power of arbitrarily dismissing those in one's employ, is a power exercised in a great degree over a vast number of persons in this country, without their having any redress at law. Put the case of a day labourer or ordinary servant. You may refuse to give him a character, and he has no redress. If you give him a false character, he has the means of redress, but that is of a very different kind. And this is the law of the land.
** Shadwell, V.-C, ''Ranger v. Great Western Rail. Co.'' (1838), 2 Jur. (0. S.) 789.

* The possession of the servant is the possession of the master.
** Hide, C.J., ''King v. Burgess'' (1663), Ray. (Sir Thos.) Rep. 85.

* Apprentices and servants are characters perfectly distinct: the one receives instruction, the other a stipulated price for his labour.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''The King v. Inhabitants of St. Paul's'', Bedford (1797), 6 T. R. 454.

==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)==
&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).&lt;/small&gt;

* No man is born into the world whose work is not born with him. There is always work, and tools to work withal, for those who will.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], p. 368.

* Let parents who hate their offspring rear them to hate labor, and to inherit riches; and before long they will be stung by every vice, racked by its poison, and damned by its penalty.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], p. 438.

* Blessed is the man who has found his work; let him ask no other blessedness. Know thy work, and do it; and work at it like Hercules. One monster there is in the world, the idle man.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], p. 367.

* Labor is sweet, for Thou hast toiled,&lt;br&gt;And care is light, for Thou hast cared;&lt;br&gt;Let not our works with self be soiled,&lt;br&gt;Nor in unsimple ways ensnared.&lt;br&gt;Through life's long day and death's dark night,&lt;br&gt;O gentle Jesus! be our light.
** [[Frederick William Faber]], p. 369.

* No man is base who does a true work; for true action is the highest being. No man is miserable that does a true work; for right action is the highest happiness. No man is isolated that does a true work; for useful action is the highest harmony — it is the highest harmony with nature and with souls — it is living association with men — and it is practical fellowship with God.
** [[Henry Giles]], p. 369.

* Man must work. That is certain as the sun. But he may work grudgingly, or he may work gratefully; he may work as a man, or he may work as a machine. He cannot always choose his work, but he can do it in a generous temper, and with an up-looking heart. There is no work so rude, that he may not exalt it; there is no work so impassive, that he may not breathe a soul into it; there is no work so dull, that he may not enliven it.
** [[Henry Giles]], p. 369.

* A man's labors must pass like the sunrises and sunsets of the world. The next thing, not the last, must be his care.
** [[George MacDonald]], p. 369.

* Labor is not, as some have erroneously supposed, a penal clause of the original curse. There was labor, bright, healthful, unfatiguing, in unfallen Paradise. By sin, labor became drudgery — the earth was restrained from her spontaneous fertility, and the strong arm of the husbandman was required, not to develop, but to &quot;subdue&quot; it. But labor in itself is noble, and is necessary for the ripe unfolding of the highest life.
** [[William Morley Punshon]], p. 367.

* Labor is the true alchemist that beats out in patient transmutation the baser metals into gold.
** [[William Morley Punshon]], p. 367.

* God does not give excellence to men but as the reward of labor.
** Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], p. 367.

* Nothing is denied to well-directed labor; nothing is ever to be attained without it.
** Sir [[Joshua Reynolds]], p. 367.

* The [[Virtue|virtues]], like the body,become strong more by labor than by nourishment.
** [[Jean Paul]], p. 368.

==See also==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}} 
*[[Basic income]] (Universal basice income)
* [[Capitalism]]
*[[Career]]
* [[Employment]] 
* [[Exploitation]] 
* [[Division of labor]]
*[[Greed]]
* [[General strike]] 
*[[Human rights]]
* [[Labour movement|Labor movement]]
*[[Oligarchy]]
* [[Retirement]]
* [[Self respect]]
* [[Servility]]
* [[Scarcity]]
* [[Slavery]]
* [[Vocation]]
* [[Wage]]
* [[Wage slavery]]  
==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|work|labor}}

[[Category:Business]]
[[Category:Labor]]

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[[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|&quot;Well, well. What brings you here, Potter?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Might ask you the same.&quot;]]
'''''[[w: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]''''' is a [[w:2011 in film|2011]] epic fantasy film in which Harry, Ron and Hermione search for Voldemort's remaining Horcruxes in their effort to destroy the Dark Lord as the final battle rages on at Hogwarts.
:''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].''
{{center|'''It All Ends Here.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

[[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|&quot;You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''.&quot;]]
[[File:J G Trautmann Das brennende Troja.jpg|thumb|Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me.]]
[[File:Deer on Gold (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|&quot;Lily? After all this time?&quot;&lt;br&gt;''&quot;Always.&quot;'']]
[[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|&quot;Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known.&quot;]]

== Ron Weasley ==
* ''[About Griphook]'' That little git. Least we've still got Bogrod. ''[Bogrod gets incinerated by the dragon]'' That's unfortunate.
* ''[After Goyle attempted to kill Hermione with the Killing Curse in the Room of Requirement]'' '''That's my girlfriend, you numpties!'''
* Goyle's set the bloody place on fire!
* ''[about saving Malfoy]'' If we die for them, Harry, I'm gonna KILL YOU!

== Lord Voldemort ==
* ''[to Nagini, speaking in Parseltongue]'' The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close.
* ''[watching as Hogwarts is protected by spells]'' They never learn. Pity.
* ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is folly. Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour.
* ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your dead with dignity. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me.
* Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived... come to die. ''[pause]'' ''Avada Kedavra''!
* ''[last words]'' I killed Snape.

== Severus Snape ==
* ''[last words, as Harry collects his tears]'' Take them to the Pensieve. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes. ''[dies]''

== Minerva McGonagall ==
* ''[to the statues after bringing them to life and fight by using the spell Piertotum Locomotor]'' Hogwarts is threatened! Man the boundaries, protect us! Do your duty to our school! ''[to Molly, excited]'' I've always wanted to use that spell!

== Others == 
*'''Lily Potter''': ''[in Snape’s memory]'' Harry, you are so loved, so loved. ''[Whispering]'' Harry, Mama loves you. Dada loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong.
* '''Molly Weasley''': ''[in anger towards Bellatrix for trying to kill Ginny]'' Not my daughter, YOU BITCH!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ollivander''': He's after you, Mr. Potter. If it's true what you say and [[w:Lord Voldemort|he]] has found the Elder Wand, I'm afraid you really don't stand a chance.
:'''Harry Potter''': I suppose I'll have to kill him before he finds me, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Death Eater''': ''[addressing Bellatrix, who is actually Hermione in disguise under the Polyjuice Potion]'' Madam Lestrange.
:'''Hermione Granger''': ''[addressing a Death Eater]'' Good morning!
:'''Griphook''': &quot;Good morning?&quot; '''''&quot;Good morning?&quot;''''' You're '''''Bellatrix Lestrange''''', not some dewey-eyed schoolgirl!
:'''Ron Weasley''': Oi! Easy!
:'''Griphook''': If she gives us away, we might as well use that sword to slit our own throats. Understand?
:'''Hermione''': No, he's right. I was being stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Potter''': He knows. You-Know-Who. He knows we broke into Gringotts, he knows what we took, and he knows we're hunting Horcruxes.
:'''Hermione Granger''': How is it you know?
:'''Harry Potter''': I saw him.
:'''Hermione Granger''': You let him in? Harry, you can't do that!
:'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, I can't always help it! Well, maybe I can, I don't know.
:'''Ron Weasley''': Never mind; what happened?
:'''Harry Potter''': Well, he's angry, and he's scared too. He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes, we'll be able to kill him. I reckon he'll stop at nothing to make sure we don't find the rest. There's more. One of them's at Hogwarts.
:'''Hermione Granger''': What? You saw it?
:'''Harry Potter''': I saw the castle. And Rowena Ravenclaw. They must have something to do with her. We have to go there, now.
:'''Hermione Granger''': What? We can't do that! We've got to plan, we've got to figure it out...
:'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, when have any of our plans ever '''''actually worked?''''' We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.
:'''Ron Weasley''': He's right. One problem. Snape's headmaster now; we can't just walk in through the front door.
:'''Harry Potter''': Well, we'll go to Hogsmeade, to Honeyduke's. Take the secret passage in the cellar. It's... There's something wrong with him. It's like, you know, in the past, I've always been able to follow his thoughts. And now, everything just feels disconnected.
:'''Ron Weasley''': Maybe it's the Horcruxes. Maybe he's growing weaker; maybe he's dying.
:'''Harry Potter''': No. No, it's...it's more like he's wounded. If anything, he feels more dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The trio arrive at Aberforth’s house in Hogsmeade]''
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Bloody fools, what were you thinking coming here? Have you any idea of how dangerous it is?
:'''Harry Potter''': You’re Aberforth, Dumbledore's brother. It's '''''you''''' that I've been seeing in here [referring to the shard of mirror]. You're the one who sent Dobby.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Where have you left him?
:'''Harry Potter''': He's dead.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sorry to hear it. I liked that elf.
:'''Harry Potter''': Who gave that to you? The mirror?
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Mundungus Fletcher. About a year ago.
:'''Harry Potter''': Dung had no right sending it to you. It belongs to...
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sirius. Albus told me. He also told me you'd likely be hacked off if you ever found out that I had it, but ask yourself: '''''where would you be if I didn't?'''''
:''[Gives the trio some food]''
:'''Hermione Granger''': Do you hear from the others much? From the Order?
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': The Order's finished. You-Know-Who's won. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.
:'''Harry Potter''': We need to get into Hogwarts, tonight. Dumbledore gave us a job to do.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Did he now? Nice job? Easy?
:'''Harry Potter''': We've been hunting Horcruxes. We think the last one's inside the castle, but we'll need your help in getting in.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': It's not a job my brother's given you. It's a suicide mission. Do yourself a favor, boy, and go home. Live a little longer.
:'''Harry Potter''': Dumbledore trusted me to see this through.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': What makes you think you can trust him? What makes you think you can believe anything my brother told you? In all the time you knew him, did he ever mention my name? Did he ever mention hers? ''[referring to the portrait of Ariana on the wall]''
:'''Harry Potter''': Why should he...
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': ...Keep secrets, you tell me?
:'''Harry Potter''': I trusted him.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': That's a '''''boy's answer'''''. A boy who goes chasing Horcruxes on the word of a man who wouldn't even tell you where to start. You're lying! Not just to me, it doesn't matter, but to yourself as well. That's what a fool does. You don't strike me as a fool, Harry Potter. So, I'll ask you again, there must be a reason.
:''[after a moment of silence]''
:'''Harry Potter''': I'm not interested in what happened between you and your brother. I don't care that you've given up. I trusted the man I knew. We need to get into the castle tonight.
:'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': [motions toward Ariana’s portrait] You know what to do.
:''[Ariana’s image nods and turns away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neville Longbottom''': Right then, so what's the plan, Harry?
:'''Harry Potter''': Okay, there's something we need to find, something hidden here in the castle, and it may help us defeat You-Know-Who.
:'''Neville Longbottom''': Right, what is it?
:'''Harry Potter''': We don't know.
:'''Dean Thomas''': Where is it?
:'''Harry Potter''': We don't know that either. I realize that's not much to go on.
:'''Seamus Finnigan''': That's nothin’ to go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ginny Weasley''': ''[sees Harry]'' Harry!
:'''Harry Potter''': Hi there.
:''[Awkward pause]''
:'''Ron Weasley''': Six months she hasn't see me. It’s like I'm a Frankie First Year. I'm only her brother...
:'''Seamus Finnigan''': She's got lots of those, though. There’s only one Harry.
:'''Ron Weasley''': Shut up, Seamus. 
: '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[to Ginny]'' What is it, Ginny?
:'''Ginny Weasley''': Snape knows. He '''''knows''''' that Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade.
:''[All of the students stare at the trio disapprovingly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Snape''': ''[to Hogwarts students]'' Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you at this hour. It's come to my attention that earlier this evening, Harry Potter was sighted in Hogsmeade. Now, should anyone, student or staff, attempt to aid Mr. Potter, they will be punished, in a manner consistent with the severity of their transgression. Furthermore, any person found to have knowledge of these events... who fails to come forward, will be treated... as... '''''equally''''' guilty. If anyone here knows any knowledge of Mr. Potter's movements this evening, I invite them to step forward... '''''now'''''.
:''[There is a long pause, as the assembled students and professors just stare at the ground in terror. Harry then steps out from the crowd, causing audible gasps from everyone present]''
: '''Harry Potter''': ''[coldly]'' It seems despite your '''''exhaustive defensive strategies''''', you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster. ''[Order of Phoenix members enter]'' And I'm afraid it's quite extensive. How dare you stand where [[w:Albus Dumbledore|he]] stood. Tell them how it happened that night! How you looked him in the eye, a man who trusted you, and killed him! Tell them!
:''[McGonagall and Snape fight with their wands as all the students move to either side of the Great Hall. [[w:Alecto_and_Amycus_Carrow|The Carrows]] fall to the ground as a result of Snape’s redirection of McGonagall’s spell and Snape then retreats]''
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': Coward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pansy Parkinson''': ''[after a long silence]'' What are you waiting for? Someone grab him!
:''[Ginny, Hermione and the others walk up to protect Harry.]''
:'''Argus Filch''': ''[running in with Mrs. Norris; yelling]'' Students out of bed! STUDENTS OUT OF BED! Students in the corridor!
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': ''[snapping]'' They're ''supposed'' to be out of bed, you blithering idiot!
:'''Argus Filch''': Oh. Sorry, ma'am.
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': As it happens, Mr. Filch, your arrival is most opportune. If you would, I would like you, please, to lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the Hall! ''[motions with her wand]''
:'''Argus Filch''': Exactly where is it I'll be leading ‘em to, ma'am?
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': The dungeons would do.
:''[The other students cheer wildly]''
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': I presume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need?
:'''Harry Potter''': Time, Professor. As much as you can get me.
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': Do what you have to do. I’ll secure the castle. ''[as Harry turns to leave]'' And Potter, it’s good to see you.
:'''Harry Potter''': It’s good to see you, too, Professor. ''[leaves]''
:'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Neville]'' Hold the fort, Neville.
:'''Neville Longbottom''': Let me get this straight, Professor. ''[grabs her arm]'' You're actually giving us permission to do this?
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': That is correct, Longbottom.
:'''Neville Longbottom''': To blow it up? Boom?
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': '''''BOOM!'''''
:'''Neville Longbottom''': ''[laughing]'' Wicked. But how on earth are we gonna do that?
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': Why don't you confer with Mr. Finnigan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics.
:'''Seamus Finnigan''': ''[nodding]'' I can bring it down.
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': That's the spirit. Off you go.
:'''Filius Flitwick''': You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely.
:'''Minerva McGonagall''': That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remus Lupin''': It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers.
:'''Kingsley Shacklebolt''': Who said that?
:'''Remus Lupin''': Me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George Weasley''': You okay, Freddie?
:'''Fred Weasley''': Yeah.
:'''George Weasley''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry, wait, I need to talk to you.
:'''Harry Potter''': I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment, Luna.
:'''Luna Lovegood''': You won't find it where you're going, you're wasting your time.
:'''Harry Potter''': We'll talk later, okay, Luna?
:'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry!
:'''Harry Potter''': Um, later.
:'''Luna Lovegood''': ''[shouting]'' ''Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!'' ''[calmer]'' Don't you remember what Cho said about Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem? There's not a person '''''alive''''' who's seen it. It's obvious, isn't it? We have to talk to someone who's dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Potter''': You're the Grey Lady. The Ghost of Ravenclaw Tower.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': I do not answer to that name.
:'''Harry Potter''': No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's Helena, isn't it? Helena Ravenclaw. Rowena's daughter.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Are you a friend of Luna's?
:'''Harry Potter''': Yes. And she thought you might be able to help me.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': You seek my mother's diadem.
:'''Harry Potter''': Yes. That's right.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Luna is kind, unlike so many of the others. But she was wrong. I cannot help you.
:'''Harry Potter''': Wait! Please! I want to destroy it. ''[pause]'' That's what you want too, isn't it, Helena? You want it destroyed.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Another swore to destroy it many years ago... a strange boy with a strange name.
:'''Harry Potter''': Tom Riddle.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': But he lied.
:'''Harry Potter''': He's lied to many people.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': '''''I know what he's done! I know who he is!''''' '''''HE DEFILED IT''''' '''''WITH DARK MAGIC!'''''
:''[after a moment of silence]''
:'''Harry Potter''': I can destroy it once and for all. But only if you tell me where he hid it. You do know where he hid it, don't you, Helena? You just have to tell me. Please.
:'''Helena Ravenclaw''': ''[floats around Harry as she says this]'' Strange. You remind me of him a bit. It's here, in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask. ''[floats away]''
:'''Harry Potter''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draco Malfoy''': ''[points his wand at Harry]'' Well, well. What brings you here, Potter?
:'''Harry Potter''': Might ask you the same.
:'''Draco Malfoy''': You have something of mine. I'd like it back.
:'''Harry Potter''': ''[Nudging to his wand]'' Well, what's wrong with the one you have?
:'''Draco Malfoy''': It's my mother's, it's powerful but it's... not the same. It doesn't quite... understand. You know what I mean?
:'''Harry Potter''': Why didn't you tell her? Bellatrix? You knew it was me. But you didn't say anything.
:'''Gregory Goyle''': C'mon Draco, don't be a prat, do it.
:''[Hermione enters, firing a spell at them]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': My Lord, might it be less... Might it not be more prudent to call off this attack? Simply seek the boy yourself?
:'''Lord Voldemort''': I do not need to seek the boy. Before the night is out, he will come to me! Do you understand?! ''[slaps his face]'' Look at me! How can you live with yourself, Lucius?
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': I... I don't know.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Go and find Severus. Bring him to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Snape and Voldemort are inside the boathouse]''
:'''Severus Snape''': You have performed extraordinary magic with this wand, my Lord, in the last few hours alone.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': No. No, I '''''am''''' extraordinary, but the wand... resists me.
:''[the trio are now outside the boathouse crouched down, listening]''
:'''Severus Snape''': There is no wand more powerful, Ollivander himself has said it. Tonight, when the boy comes, it will not fail you, I am sure of it. It answers to you, and you only.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Does it?
:'''Severus Snape''': My Lord...
:'''Lord Voldemort''': The wand, does it truly answer to me? You're a clever man, Severus. Surely, you must know. Where does its true loyalty lie?
:'''Severus Snape''': With you, of course, my Lord.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Dumbledore, Severus. While you live, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine. You've been a good and faithful servant, Severus, but '''''only I can live...forever'''''.
:'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... ''[Voldemort slashes with his wand and cuts Snape's throat; blood spills; Severus falls onto the window]''
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Nagini, kill. ''[Nagini repeatedly bites Snape, mortally wounding him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry is viewing Snape's memories in the Pensieve in Dumbledore’s office]'' 
:'''Severus Snape''': It will contain the curse to your hand for the time being. It will spread, Albus.
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': How long?
:'''Severus Snape''': Maybe a year.
:''[Snape turns to leave, but Dumbledore stops him]''
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't ignore me, Severus. We both know Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy to murder me. But should he fail, one should presume that the Dark Lord would turn to you. You must be the one to kill me, Severus. It is the only way. Only then will the Dark Lord trust you completely. ''[We see Dumbledore being killed by Snape, as shown in ''Half-Blood Prince'']'' There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something, but you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable.
:'''Severus Snape''': Must be told what?
:''[As Dumbledore speaks, we see a worried Snape running inside the Potter home]''
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them, the curse rebounded. When that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul latched itself onto the only living thing that it could find: '''''Harry himself.''''' There is a reason Harry can speak with snakes. There is a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A part of Voldemort ''lives'' inside him.
:'''Severus Snape''': So, when the time comes...the boy must die?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes...yes...he must die.
:''[We see Snape arrive in Harry's bedroom and collapsing in horror at the sight of Lily's dead body]''
:'''Severus Snape''': You've kept [[w:Harry Potter (character)|him]] alive so he can die at the proper moment. You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter!
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't tell me now that you've grown to care for the boy.
:'''Severus Snape''': Expecto Patronum! ''[casts a deer Patronus, the same one that helped Harry find the Sword of Gryffindor in ''Part 1'']
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[realizing]'' Lily? ''[A crying Snape is shown holding Lily's body]'' After all this time?
:'''Severus Snape''': '''''Always'''''. So, when the time comes...the boy must die?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes, he must die. And Voldemort himself must do it. That is essential.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Potter''': ''[Walking into a clearing in the Forest, Harry pulls the Snitch from his pocket]'' I'm ready to die. ''[He kisses it, and it opens to reveal a small black stone]'' The Resurrection Stone...
:''[his parents, Sirius, and Remus appear in the clearing]''
:'''Lily Potter''': You've been so brave, sweetheart.
:'''Harry Potter''': Why are you here, all of you?
:'''Lily Potter''': We never left.
:'''Harry Potter''': Does it hurt, dying?
:'''Sirius Black''': Quicker than falling asleep.
:'''James Potter''': You're nearly there, son.
:'''Harry Potter''': I'm sorry. I never wanted any of you to die for me. And Remus, your son...
:'''Remus Lupin''': Others will tell him what his mother and father died for. One day, he'll understand.
:'''Harry Potter''': You'll stay with me?
:'''James Potter''': Until the end.
:'''Harry Potter''': And he won't be able to see you?
:'''Sirius Black''': No. ''[points to Harry's heart]'' We're here, you see.
:'''Harry Potter''': Stay close to me.
:'''Lily Potter''': ''Always''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Voldemort ''kills'' Harry in the forest, he is left in limbo and meets Dumbledore in what looks like King’s Cross Station]''
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave man. Let us walk.
:'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what is that?
:''[A creature that looks like a much smaller version of Voldemort is in the fetal position under a bench]''
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Something beyond either of our help. A part of Voldemort, sent here to die.
:'''Harry Potter''': And exactly where are we?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': I was going to ask you that. Where would you say that we are?
:'''Harry Potter''': Well, it looks like King's Cross Station, only cleaner, and without all the trains.
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': King's Cross, is that right? This is, as they say, your party. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate, since that night in Godric's Hollow all those years ago.
:'''Harry Potter''': So it's true then, isn't it, Sir? A part of him lives in me, doesn't it?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Did. It was just destroyed many moments ago by none other than Voldemort himself. ''You'' were the Horcrux he never meant to make, Harry.
:''[They sit on a bench]''
:'''Harry Potter''': I have to go back, haven't I?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, that's up to you.
:'''Harry Potter''': I have a choice?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. We're in King's Cross, you say? I think if you so desired, you'd be able to board a train.
:'''Harry Potter''': And where would it take me?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[chuckles]'' On.
:''[Dumbledore begins walking away]''
:'''Harry Potter''': Voldemort has the Elder Wand.
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': True.
:'''Harry Potter''': And the snake's still alive.
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes.
:'''Harry Potter''': And I've nothing to kill it with.
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[walks back to Harry]'' Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. '''Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.''' But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: &quot;Help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it.&quot; Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, those who live without love.
:'''Harry Potter''': Professor, my mother's Patronus was a doe, wasn't it? It's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': Actually, if I think about it, it doesn't seem curious at all. I'll be going now, Harry. ''[turns to leave]''
:'''Harry Potter''': Professor? Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head?
:'''Albus Dumbledore''': '''Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real?''' ''[he fades into the light]''
:'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what shall I do? Professor?
:''[Back in the forest, Voldemort woke up after the sixth Horcrux was destroyed]''
:'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': My Lord? My Lord?
:'''Lord Voldemort''': I don't want your help!
:'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[to Narcissa]'' The boy... is he dead? 
:'''Narcissa Malfoy''': ''[leaning into Harry, her eyes widen as she feels his heart still beating]'' Is he alive? Draco, is he alive? ''[Harry nods, then she stands and faces Voldemort with one lie]'' Dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ginny Weasley''': Who is that Hagrid's carrying? Neville, who is it?
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Harry Potter... is ''dead!''
:'''Ginny Weasley''': '''''No! NO!!'''''
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Silence! ''[fires a spell towards Ginny, causing her to back down]'' Stupid girl. Harry Potter is dead. ''[to Hogwarts' assembled]'' From this day forth, you put your faith... in me. ''[to Death Eaters]'' Harry Potter is dead! ''[he and his Death Eaters laugh]'' And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us... or die.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Draco! Draco.
:'''Narcissa Malfoy''': Draco, come.
:''[Reluctantly, Draco walks over to Voldemort, who hugs him]''
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Well done, Draco. Well done. ''[Draco walks to his parents. Neville comes forward]'' Well, I must say, I hoped for better. ''[Death Eaters laugh]'' And who might you be, young man?
:'''Neville Longbottom''': Neville Longbottom.
:''[Death Eaters laugh]''
:'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': Ha-ha!
:'''Lord Voldemort''': Well, Neville, I'm sure we can find a place for you in our ranks--
:'''Neville Longbottom''': I'd like to say somethin’.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[makes a fist, but then lowers it]'' Well, Neville, I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to hear what you have to say.
:'''Neville Longbottom''': It doesn't matter that Harry's gone.
:'''Seamus Finnigan''': Stand down, Neville.
:'''Neville Longbottom''': People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah, we lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us, in here. ''[gestures to his heart]'' So's Fred, and Remus, Tonks... all of them. They didn't die in vain. ''[to Voldemort, who laughs evily]'' But ''you'' will, 'cause you're wrong! Harry's heart did beat for us, for all of us! It's not over!
:''[He draws the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting Hat]. Harry's eyes open, he flings out of Hagrid's arms, and pulls out his wand, to Voldemort's utter and complete shock]''
:'''Harry Potter''': ''Confringo!''
:''[He fires a spell at Voldemort's snake, Nagini, but it reflects onto the Death Eaters. As Harry begins to run, Voldemort, now enraged, fires several curses at Harry. As he does, some of his Death Eaters begin to [[w:Magic in Harry Potter#Apparition and Disapparition|disapparate]]]''
:'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[last words]'' No! No, come back! Lucius! Come back! Come back and fight!
:''[Some Death Eaters continue to leave, but many stay behind to join Voldemort, who is about to charge the castle]''
:'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Ron, Hermione, and Neville]'' I'll lure him into the castle. We have to kill the snake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During Harry and Voldemort's final duel]''
:'''Harry Potter''': You were right. When you told Professor Snape that wand was failing you, It will ''always'' fail you.
:'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[last and final words]'' I killed Snape!
:'''Harry Potter''': But what if the Wand never belonged to Snape? What if its allegiance was always to someone else? Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it: TOGETHER! ''[throws himself and Voldemort off the roof]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking on the damaged Viaduct after Voldemort's death]''
:'''Hermione Granger''': Why didn't it work for him? The Elder Wand?
:'''Harry Potter''': It answered to somebody else. When he killed Snape, he thought the Wand would become his, but the thing is, the Wand never belonged to Snape. It was Draco who disarmed Dumbledore that night at the Astronomy Tower. From that moment on, the Wand answered to him, until... the other night, when I disarmed Draco at Malfoy Manor.
:'''Ron Weasley''': So that means...
:'''Harry Potter''': ...It's mine.
:'''Ron Weasley''': What do you reckon we should do with it?
:'''Hermione Granger''': &quot;We&quot;?
:'''Ron Weasley''': I'm just saying, that's the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in the world. With that, we'd be invincible.
:''[Harry, after thinking for a moment, breaks the Wand in two, and throws it off the viaduct]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines of the final film]''
:'''Albus Severus Potter''': Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?
:'''Harry Potter''': Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known.
:'''Albus Severus Potter''': But just say that I am.
:'''Harry Potter''': Then Slytherin House will have gained a wonderful, young wizard. But, listen, if it really means that much to you, you can choose Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account.
:'''Albus Severus Potter''': Really?
:'''Harry Potter''': Really. ''[train whistle blows]'' Ready?
:'''Albus Severus Potter''': Ready.

== Taglines ==
* It all ends.
* It all ends here.
* Nowhere is safe.
* The last enemy is death.
* Join me and confront your fate.
* Always.

== Cast ==
* [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]]
* [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]]
* [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]]
* [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]]
* [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]]
* [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Filius Flitwick|Filius Flitwick]]
* [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]]
* [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]]
* [[Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]]
* [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Mr. Ollivander|Mr. Ollivander]]
* [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]]
* [[w:Kelly Macdonald|Kelly Macdonald]] - [[w:Helena Ravenclaw|Helena Ravenclaw]]
* [[Gary Oldman]] - [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]]
* [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]]
* [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] -  [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]]
* [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]]
* [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]]
* [[w:Matthew Lewis|Matthew Lewis]] - [[w:Neville Longbottom|Neville Longbottom]]
* [[Evanna Lynch]] - [[w:Luna Lovegood|Luna Lovegood]]
* [[w:Bonnie Wright|Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginny Weasley]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|1201607|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}}
* {{Amg movie|434402|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_ii|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}}
* {{Mojo title|harrypotter72|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}}
* {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows/mainsite/index.html}}

{{Harry Potter}}

[[Category:2011 films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Harry Potter]]
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  <page>
    <title>WWE Raw</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153194</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T12:49:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>176.40.219.111</ip>
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      <comment>/* February 22 */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="506475" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 16===
:''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!
:Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' 
:You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== February 22 ===
:''[The Undertaker appears on the titantron]''
:'''Undertaker''': The battle has been joined. My agents of darkness are poised to unleash my reign of terror on the World Wrestling Federation. All in the name of my master. McMahon, you think you have problems with Austin. Oh, but your problems, they've just begun. And the audacity. Do you think you can actually eliminate me with an Inferno Match? Don't you realize there's some flames that can't be extinguished? And the Lord of Darkness is one of them. Soon McMahon, you will realize that I am your worst nightmare. And by the way, tonight, I intend on showing you just how serious I am with my threat. Tonight, if you like, you can even call it a surprise. McMahon, the World Wrestling Federation will be mine.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 24===
:''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]''
:'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants &quot;Rocky!&quot;]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
:'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock.
:'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'.

===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===February 7===
:''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]''
:'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.
:'''Cactus Jack''': You name it.
:'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.
:'''Cactus Jack''': So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.
:'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]''

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Classy Freddie Blassie leaves with an assistant, but Shane and Stephanie McMahon waylay them]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey hold on a second, hold on a second, stay right there. You think what you said there had any impact at all?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': Hey Freddie, you think that with Stone Cold Steve Austin just did out there, you think that had any impact? 
:'''Shane''': You think the WWF has any impact at all, any impact at all this Sunday on ECW and WCW? The answer is NO!!
:'''Stephanie''': ''[laughs]'' But I tell you what will have a lot of impact. You see Freddie, because you and the WWF have a lot in common. ''You're both about to die!'' 
:'''Shan''': ''[to assistant]'' Get him out of here. Go!

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

===August 9===
:''[At CM Punk and John Cena's Undisputed Title match contract signing for Summerslam, Triple H makes asides to Punk not showing up when needed]''
:'''CM Punk''': Wait a minute, I'm gutless, I'm a phony, I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here, ''[points at HHH]'' you or Funkman ''[points at John Laurinaitis]'' over here, huh? Who, let me ask you a question, Johnny Funkman. You personally face to face, fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? Huh did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes, his name his Harry Smith, not David Hart Smith that he was no longer needed here, huh? Did you tell Chris Masters - somebody who has worked his ass off to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you call him up and say &quot;hey kid, it's a budget thing. Best of luck on your future endeavors&quot; - don't call me gutless! You have him do your dirty work! This isn't about him ''[John Laurinaitis]'' This isn't about you. ''[HHH]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===
:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]
[[Category:WWE]]
[[Category:American sports TV shows]]
[[Category:Paramount Network shows]]</text>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* June 14 */ Punctuation</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="506476" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

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:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 16===
:''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!
:Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' 
:You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== February 22 ===
:''[The Undertaker appears on the titantron]''
:'''Undertaker''': The battle has been joined. My agents of darkness are poised to unleash my reign of terror on the World Wrestling Federation. All in the name of my master. McMahon, you think you have problems with Austin. Oh, but your problems, they've just begun. And the audacity. Do you think you can actually eliminate me with an Inferno Match? Don't you realize there's some flames that can't be extinguished? And the Lord of Darkness is one of them. Soon McMahon, you will realize that I am your worst nightmare. And by the way, tonight, I intend on showing you just how serious I am with my threat. Tonight, if you like, you can even call it a surprise. McMahon, the World Wrestling Federation will be mine.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 24===
:''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]''
:'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants &quot;Rocky!&quot;]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
:'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock.
:'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'.

===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===February 7===
:''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]''
:'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.
:'''Cactus Jack''': You name it.
:'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.
:'''Cactus Jack''': So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.
:'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]''

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Classy Freddie Blassie leaves with an assistant, but Shane and Stephanie McMahon waylay them]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey hold on a second, hold on a second, stay right there. You think what you said there had any impact at all?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': Hey Freddie, you think that with Stone Cold Steve Austin just did out there, you think that had any impact? 
:'''Shane''': You think the WWF has any impact at all, any impact at all this Sunday on ECW and WCW? The answer is NO!!
:'''Stephanie''': ''[laughs]'' But I tell you what will have a lot of impact. You see Freddie, because you and the WWF have a lot in common. ''You're both about to die!'' 
:'''Shan''': ''[to assistant]'' Get him out of here. Go!

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen? ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

===August 9===
:''[At CM Punk and John Cena's Undisputed Title match contract signing for Summerslam, Triple H makes asides to Punk not showing up when needed]''
:'''CM Punk''': Wait a minute, I'm gutless, I'm a phony, I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here, ''[points at HHH]'' you or Funkman ''[points at John Laurinaitis]'' over here, huh? Who, let me ask you a question, Johnny Funkman. You personally face to face, fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? Huh did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes, his name his Harry Smith, not David Hart Smith that he was no longer needed here, huh? Did you tell Chris Masters - somebody who has worked his ass off to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you call him up and say &quot;hey kid, it's a budget thing. Best of luck on your future endeavors&quot; - don't call me gutless! You have him do your dirty work! This isn't about him ''[John Laurinaitis]'' This isn't about you. ''[HHH]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===
:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="506476" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 16===
:''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!
:Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' 
:You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== February 22 ===
:''[The Undertaker appears on the titantron]''
:'''Undertaker''': The battle has been joined. My agents of darkness are poised to unleash my reign of terror on the World Wrestling Federation. All in the name of my master. McMahon, you think you have problems with Austin. Oh, but your problems, they've just begun. And the audacity. Do you think you can actually eliminate me with an Inferno Match? Don't you realize there's some flames that can't be extinguished? And the Lord of Darkness is one of them. Soon McMahon, you will realize that I am your worst nightmare. And by the way, tonight, I intend on showing you just how serious I am with my threat. Tonight, if you like, you can even call it a surprise. McMahon, the World Wrestling Federation will be mine.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 24===
:''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]''
:'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants &quot;Rocky!&quot;]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
:'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock.
:'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'.

===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===February 7===
:''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]''
:'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.
:'''Cactus Jack''': You name it.
:'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.
:'''Cactus Jack''': So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.
:'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]''

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Classy Freddie Blassie leaves with an assistant, but Shane and Stephanie McMahon waylay them]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey hold on a second, hold on a second, stay right there. You think what you said there had any impact at all?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': Hey Freddie, you think that with Stone Cold Steve Austin just did out there, you think that had any impact? 
:'''Shane''': You think the WWF has any impact at all, any impact at all this Sunday on ECW and WCW? The answer is NO!!
:'''Stephanie''': ''[laughs]'' But I tell you what will have a lot of impact. You see Freddie, because you and the WWF have a lot in common. ''You're both about to die!'' 
:'''Shan''': ''[to assistant]'' Get him out of here. Go!

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen? ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

===August 8===
:''[At CM Punk and John Cena's Undisputed Title match contract signing for SummerSlam, Triple H makes asides to Punk not showing up when needed]''
:'''CM Punk''': Wait a minute, I'm gutless, I'm a phony, I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here, ''[points at HHH]'' you or Funkman ''[points at John Laurinaitis]'' over here, huh? Who, let me ask you a question, Johnny Funkman. You personally face to face, fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? Huh did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes, his name his Harry Smith, not David Hart Smith that he was no longer needed here, huh? Did you tell Chris Masters - somebody who has worked his ass off to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you call him up and say &quot;hey kid, it's a budget thing. Best of luck on your future endeavors&quot; - don't call me gutless! You have him do your dirty work! This isn't about him ''[John Laurinaitis]'' This isn't about you. ''[HHH]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===
:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]
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  <page>
    <title>The Ant Bully (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh. To who?
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you're just a little kid! Aren't you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock! Curse upon your children!!
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now.
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it? How long am I gonna be like this? I wanna go home! Wait! It's in human!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>khs2jjwg3vapgn1bbb2k6o6j5qbvs4j</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153324</id>
      <parentid>3153323</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:50:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13087" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you're just a little kid! Aren't you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock! Curse upon your children!!
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now.
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it? How long am I gonna be like this? I wanna go home! Wait! It's in human!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>r30yptlmqta29d25cupsfyjvp7p0c76</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153325</id>
      <parentid>3153324</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:50:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13095" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you're just a little kid! Aren't you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock! Curse upon your children!!
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now.
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>oaew3xhbq74rxzu01fakwd6uqw3l09m</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153326</id>
      <parentid>3153325</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:51:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13097" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock! Curse upon your children!!
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now.
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>8ik5yi61ezpi481wiqzpucdrxbqp91n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153327</id>
      <parentid>3153326</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:51:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13128" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock! Curse upon your children!!
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now.
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>79mb7bt9qe3yne8joi5kwvqp8ag3ya5</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153328</id>
      <parentid>3153327</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:52:37Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="13149" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be ... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>exlaijstdwpjxisw4junwxohq7wlum4</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153329</id>
      <parentid>3153328</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:53:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13151" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ''ORDER''! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>jt6ln123d0r880t4q7bjitz8qimeiy0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153330</id>
      <parentid>3153329</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:54:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13148" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges.
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded ''yellow rain''.&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>3mznxoqwnq4wznbgxcoz33nzr2bkez2</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153331</id>
      <parentid>3153330</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:55:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13144" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges!
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded yellow rain!&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come ''on''!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ''ant''.
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! ''A wizard knows no such word''! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for ''yourself''.
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>gmk96gk7y8a7jx5xgpua4u2r89gz0h4</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153332</id>
      <parentid>3153331</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:56:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13130" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges!
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded yellow rain!&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come on!!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ant!
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! A wizard knows no such word!! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for yourself!
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>sv5e6s4lf0kxe3eu7v0tvf6vbg9e58p</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153333</id>
      <parentid>3153332</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:56:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13131" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges!
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded yellow rain!&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children.... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still. Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come on!!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ant!
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! A wizard knows no such word!! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for yourself!
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ant Bully, The (film)}}
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
      <sha1>mgcfxtfaxo0vat6rtqt4exygr1ngrfo</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153334</id>
      <parentid>3153333</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T19:57:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2804:5D80:854E:43FC:B886:3B2C:1E86:9B9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13133" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Ant Bully (film)|The Ant Bully]]''''' is a 2006 American [[w:computer-animated|computer animated]] [[w:film|film]] written and directed by [[w:John A. Davis|John A. Davis]] based on the 1999 [[w:The Ant Bully|children's book of the same name]] by John Nickle.
{{center|'''The battle for the lawn is on.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:''[the teaser trailer begins as the bell rings for the interview]
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, auditioning for The Ant Bully, the role of terrified ant number 1,697.
:''[takes a cut, lying the quarter on the ground]
:'''Female Ant''': Run! Run for your lives! Destroyer is coming! I am terrified! ''[wailing, throwing the paper]''
:'''Interviewer''': Thank you.
:'''Male Ant 1''': It is destroyer. Come with me if you want to leave.
:'''Male Ant 2''': Expecto Patronum!
:'''Interviewer''': ''[chuckling]'' Wrong movie.
:'''Beetle''': Run! Run, I say!
:'''Interviewer''': Uh, pardon me.
:'''Bettle''': Uh, what?
:'''Interviewer''': You're not an ant, are you?
:'''Bettle''': I can do ant.
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry. We need a red ant.
:'''Beetle''': I can do ant!
:''[cut to the beatboxer ants]
:'''Beatboxer Ant 1''': You want me at number 1,697! I'm gonna send this destroya straight to heaven!
:'''Beatboxer Ant 2''': You better believe that! Eenie-weenie, weenie-uh.
:'''Beetle''': Oh, no! The destroyer was come to destroy me, because I'm ant, now!
:'''Interviewer''': Excuse me. Did you just paint yourself red?
:'''Beetle''': No! ''[the red paint falls on the quarter]'' Yes.
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, listen. The movie is called The Ant Bully.
:'''Beetle''': What about the bully role? I can do real me. Watch this. Yeah!
:'''Interviewer''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The bully role has been cast already.
:'''Beetle''': Oh! To who?!
:''[the interviewer clears throat, pointing the hand, then looking up at Lucas from toe to head]
:'''Beetle''': Hey, you are just a little kid! Are not you the cutest thing? 
:''[he begins to step on the red Beetle on the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Oh, my goodness.
:''[the title card appears]
:'''Beetle''': I'm okay!
:''[he steps on the red bettle and the quarter]
:'''Beetle''': Cut. Cut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is trying to crack some rock in order to get fire crystals for his potion, disturbing ants that are trying to sleep]''
:'''1st Ant''': Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, this is sleeping chamber. ''Go to sleep''.
:'''1st Ant''': Don't make me come up there!
:'''Zoc''': I'm so sorry. But I must have the final ingredient for my potion. Now, what's more impotent? Me completing my life's work for the salvation of the colony - which includes ''you'' guys - or your sleep?
:'''1st Ant''': Sleep. I'm going with sleep.
:'''2nd Ant''': Yeah, the second one.
:'''Zoc''': Well then I will try to be ''very'' quiet. '''Clacktiel'''!
:''[With his staff, Zoc explodes the rock that he's on which makes some debris fall onto the sleeping ants.]''
:'''1st Ant''': That's it! I'm coming up there!
:''[A large rock suddenly lands on his head, making him unconscious]''
:'''Zoc''': Fire crystals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc is working on his potion]''
:'''Zoc''': I, Zoc, call upon the elements: the wind that blows; rain that falls; fire that burns. Deliver your awesome power and transform my potion. '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[He bangs fire crystals together but nothing happens, save for a measly wisp of smoke]''
:'''Hova''': ''[clapping for Zoc]'' Yay! That was great, sweetie! I ''loved'' the smoke effect. ''[To Spindle]'' Didn't you, Spindle?
:''[Spindle chirps in agreement]''
:'''Zoc''': Craznocks!!!! ''[To fire crystal]'' Yyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooouuuuuuuu.... rock!! '''''CURSE UPON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I don't think rocks ''have'' children, honey.
:'''Zoc''': ''[Throws fire crystal to the ground; sulkily]'' They won't now!
:'''Hova''': Okay, what's the matter?
:'''Zoc''': Hova, the potion is supposed to change color. It's not changing color! IT’S NOT CHANGING COLOR! ''[Grabs two more fire crystals]'' I call upon the wind, rain, et cetera, transform my potion and '''Clacktiel'''! 
:''[Once again nothing happens, just smoke.]'' 
:'''Zoc''': ''URRRRGH''!!! ''[he angrily bangs them against each other a few more times]'' CLACKTIEL! CLACKTIEL! TICK-CLACKITY-CLACK!
:'''Hova''': Oh, maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
:'''Zoc''': How could I pronounce it wrong?! I made it up!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Head of Council''': Human. You have been brought before the council to face judgment for crimes against the colony. Read the charges!
:'''Council Guard''': &quot;This human-destructor beast hereafter referred to as Peanut the Destroyer did willfully and with malice aforethought crush the food-storage chambers flood all of the lower hatching chambers and douse the colony with the dreaded yellow rain!&quot;
:''[The ants collectively grimace in disgust]''
:'''Lucas''': Hey, come on! I had to go!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Banging drum]'' Sentencing of the human will be handed down by the queen herself.
:''[The ants bow as the Queen Ant appears]'' 
:'''Queen Ant''': Greetings, my children.... and to our unusual guest. A human that threatens the very existence of our colony.
:'''Lucas''': Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait, time out. How was I supposed to know ants have feelings or families or trials? You're just a bunch of stupid ants!
:'''Ant #1''': Destroy the destroyer!
:'''Ant #2''': Throw him in the pit!
:'''Little Ant''': Let's eat him!
:'''Zoc''': No, wait. We are not mindless savages! This human should be ''studied''. And ''then'' we'll eat him!
:'''Ants''': ''[Chanting]'' Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
:'''Head of Council''': ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!!!! ''[Banging drum]''
:'''Queen Ant''': Be still, be still, be still, be still! Tonight, we have a choice. We could destroy this human and make safe this day. Or we could change the nature of his human and perhaps create a brighter future for ''all'' ants. I, therefore, send the human to live and work in the colony, to learn our ways. He must.... become an ''ant''.
:'''Lucas/Zoc''': What?!?!
:'''Zoc''': No. No, my Queen! What if he does not become an ant? Okay? I mean, come on!
:'''Queen Ant''': That would be.... regrettable.
:'''Zoc''': But - But who will teach him our ways?
:'''Hova''': ''[Stepping forwards]'' I will.
:'''Zoc''': Hova?
:'''Queen Ant''': It is done. Let us continue our work.
:''[She disappears as the court begins to disperse]''
:'''Lucas''': That's it?! How long am I gonna be like this?! I want to go home!! Wait! It's in human!!!!
:'''Head of Council''': ''[Turning back to Lucas]'' Yes. It is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hova''': ''[crosses her heart]'' Cross my heart! I will not eat you!
:'''Lucas''': '''''I SAID CROSS YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Hova''': I just did! See?! Did it again! ''[to herself]'' Strange custom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;  
:'''Fugax''': Red one!
:'''Kreela''': What are you doing?! Why are not you grabbing the red ones?!
:'''Fugax''': Well, it is actually quite simple, sugar-lips! I hate the red ones!!
:'''Kreela''': ''WELL, I '''LOVE THE RED ONES!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Hate them!
:'''Kreela''': ''I LOVE THEM!!!!''
:'''Fugax''': ''Hate them!!''
:'''Kreela''': '''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!'''
:'''Fugax''': '''''Hate them!!!!'''''
:'''Kreela''': '''''LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Believe me, you find me attractive!
:'''Kreela''': '''''WHAT?!?!?!?!'''''
:'''Fugax''': Oh, how you tease me with that sweet talk! ''[barks at her slovenly]''
:'''Kreela''': Oh, no! You want some sweet talk?! ''[grabs Fugax by the antennas]'' Because I will give you some sweet talk! '''''NOW GRAB A RED ONE BEFORE I PULL THESE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Fugax''': '''WHOA!!!!!!!! WHOA, I NEED ''THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Oh, great! Great!
:'''Kreela''': '''''FUGAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoc''': ''[stops Lucas from going in the ant hill]'' Hi, there. How are you?
:'''Lucas''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay.
:'''Zoc''': Okay? That's good. It's good to be okay. Listen, I just want to show you something if that's ''okay'' with you. 
:''[The two walk on, before Zoc brings a potion out and shows it to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': You know what this is? This is the potion that will make you big again. I just wanted you to take a good long look at it, because this is the last time you will ever see it. ''[takes the potion away]''
:'''Lucas''': ''[stammers]'' What?! What do you mean?!
:'''Zoc''': I mean, there is no way I'm ever making you big again. Ever. ''[serious]'' You are a ''threat'' to ''every'' ant in this colony. ''Especially'' to Hova.
:'''Lucas''': But I would never do anything to hurt her. I just-I-I just wanna go home.
:'''Zoc''': Well, if I were you, I'd go find help someplace else, because there is ''nothing'' for you. 
:''[The crystal on Zoc's staff starts to glow in an attempt to scare to Lucas]'' 
:'''Zoc''': Nothing! 
:''[Lucas stumbles backwards, before running away as Zoc stares at him sternly]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Zoc enters the room, humming happily to himself. Hova notices this, but doesn't see Lucas with him]''
:'''Hova''': Where's Lucas?
:'''Zoc''': ''[feigning oblivion]'' Isn't he with you?
:'''Hova''': ''[confused]'' Now! Now!
:'''Zoc''': ''[pretending to call for him]'' Lucas? Lucas! Huh, that's weird. Well, he's probably off destroying some other poor, unfortunate colony. You know how they are, destroyers.
:'''Hova''': ''[sternly]'' Zoc, what did you do?
:'''Zoc''': What?! What did I do?!?!
:'''Hova''': Where is he?!
:'''Zoc''': He's gone. 
:''[Hova gasps and runs out to look for Lucas, but Zoc stops her]'' 
:'''Zoc''': He led you into a trap, Hova.
:'''Hova''': There was no trap! He led us to food, he was trying to protect us from-from...
:'''Zoc''': From what, Hova? What?
:'''Hova''': From something.
:'''Zoc''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, ''something''! And I was worried it was from ''nothing''! ''[angrily]'' He's ''blinded'' you, Hova.
:'''Hova''': ''[angrily]'' No, ''you'' are the one that's ''blind''!
:''[Kreela and Fugan are seen to be awkwardly watching the confrontation]'' 
:'''Hova''': You are so consumed from your hatred for the humans, ''you'' only see what you ''want'' to see.
:'''Zoc''': Oh, come on!!
:'''Hova''': ''[calmer]'' Zoc, I see a young pupa, a human learning our ways, becoming part of this colony, becoming an ant!
:'''Zoc''': Impossible.
:'''Hova''': Listen to yourself, Zoc! A wizard knows no such word!! So, what are you now? ''[on the verge of tears]'' Certainly not the ant I love. 
:''[She begins to walks away from Zoc]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I did it for you. For the colony.
:'''Hova''': You did it for yourself!
:''[She leaves]''
:'''Zoc''': Hova, I don't think so, honey! ''[hesitates not knowing to say]''
:'''Fugax''': ''[standing up]'' He won't make it through the night alone.
:'''Kreela''': Fugax, your ''leg's'' still broken.
:'''Fugax''': Yeah, well, I still got five good ones. ''Very'' good ones.
:''[He leaves as well]''
:'''Kreela''': ''[as she's walking out]'' You know, I think he really was trying to protect us from something. See ya, Zoc. 
:''[She also leaves. Spindle goes to join the group, but not before giving his master a disappointed look. Zoc looks down to the floor, ashamed and alone]''

==Taglines==
*The battle for the lawn is on.
*Stomping into theaters August 4
*An epic battle of tiny proportions!
*This Summer It's Crunch Time.

==Cast==
* [[Julia Roberts]] as Hova
* [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as Zoc
* [[Meryl Streep]] as The Queen Ant
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Stan Beals
* [[w:Zach Tyler Eisen|Zach Tyler Eisen]] as Lucas Nickle
* [[w:Regina King|Regina King]] as Kreela
* [[Bruce Campbell]] as Fugax
* [[Lily Tomlin]] as Grandma
* [[w:Cheri Oteri|Cheri Oteri]] as Doreen Nickle
* [[w:Creagen Dow|Creagen Dow]] as Steve
* [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] as Fred Nickle
* [[w:Richard Green (actor)|Richard Green]] as Wasp Leader
* [[w:Jake T. Austin|Jake T. Austin]] as Nicky
* [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]] as Soldier Ant
* [[w:Ricardo Montalban|Ricardo Montalban]] as The Head of Council
* [[w:Allison Mack|Allison Mack]] as Tiffany Nickle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Beetle
* [[w:Mark DeCarlo|Mark DeCarlo]] as Fly

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0429589|title=The Ant Bully}}

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[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about insects]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
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    <title>United Nations</title>
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[[File:Emblem of the United Nations.svg|thumb| We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish. &lt;/br&gt; [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]
The [[w:United Nations|'''United Nations''']] ('''UN''') is an [[w:intergovernmental organization|intergovernmental organization]] to promote international co-operation. A replacement for the ineffective [[w:League of Nations|League of Nations]], the organization was  established on 24 October 1945 after [[World War II]] in order to prevent another such conflict. At its founding, the UN had 51 [[w:Member states of the United Nations|member states]]; there are now 193. The [[w:headquarters of the United Nations|headquarters of the United Nations]] is in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]], [[New York City|New York]], and experiences [[w:extraterritoriality|extraterritoriality]]. Further main offices are situated in [[w:United Nations Office at Geneva|Geneva]], [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|Nairobi]] and [[w:United Nations Office at Vienna|Vienna]]. The organization is financed by assessed and voluntary contributions from its member states. Its objectives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment, and providing humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== Quotes ==
=== Preamble to the United Nations Charter ===
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|World War II poster from the United States on the United Nations - Preamble to the Charter of the United Nations]]
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:United Nations (Member States and Territories).svg|thumb|United Nations Members]]

The Preamble to the treaty reads as follows:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
; WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
* to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and 
* to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and 
* to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and 
* to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, 
; AND FOR THESE ENDS
* to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and 
* to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and 
* to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and 
* to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,
; HAVE RESOLVED TO COMBINE OUR EFFORTS TO ACCOMPLISH THESE AIMS.
Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|right|There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. ~ [[Ralph Bunche]]]]

[[File:Ali Khamenei and Bashar al-Assad05.jpg|thumb|right|Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]]
[[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|right|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Passenger Disembarking from Ship at Ashdod Port (1).jpg|thumb|[[European Union|The European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for peaceful settlements of conflict, are now one of the most important war assets of the U.S./[[NATO]] front.  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on.  ~[[Mairead Maguire]] ]]
[[File:Small Flag of the United Nations ZP.svg|thumb|It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjold]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Headquarters in New York City, view from Roosevelt Island.jpg|thumb|The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action. ~ [[Robert McNamara]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. ~ [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]] ]]
===Charter of the United Nations, Chapter I: Purposes And Principles===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
====Article 1====
The Purposes of the United Nations are 
# To maintain international peace  and security, to take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace, and for the suppression of acts of aggression or other breaches of the peace, and to bring about by peaceful means, and in conformity with the principles of justice and international law, adjustment or settlement of international disputes or situations which might lead to a breach of the peace;
# To develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights  and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace;
# To achieve international co-operation in solving international problems of an economic, social, cultural, or [w:international humanitarian law|humanitarian]] character, and in promoting and encouraging respect for human rights and for fundamental freedoms  for all without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion; and
# To be a centre for harmonizing the actions of nations in the attainment of these common ends.
 
===United Nations ''Message for the new millennium'' by Secretary General [[Kofi Annan]]  (30 December 1999)===
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/millennium/584374.stm (text of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's Message for the New Millennium)]

*More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. And that, my friends, is why we have the United Nations.&lt;BR&gt; Through the United Nations, we are working together to preserve peace; to outlaw weapons that kill and maim indiscriminately; to bring mass murderers and war criminals to justice. Through the United Nations, we are working together to defeat Aids and other epidemics; to control climate change; to make clean air and water available to everyone. Through the United Nations, we are working together to ensure that the global market benefits all of us, allowing the poor to lift themselves out of poverty.  

*Through the United Nations, we are working together to make human rights a reality for everyone - to give all human beings real choices in life, and a real say in decisions that affect their lives. In all these areas and more, the United Nations is working for you. But it can do little without you. After all, it belongs to you, the peoples of the world. And therefore it can work much better with your help and your ideas.&lt;BR&gt;My friends, the new millennium need not be a time of fear or anxiety. If we work together and have faith in our own abilities, it can be a time of hope and opportunity. It's up to us to make it so.
 
*My friends, our challenge today is not to save Western civilization — or Eastern, for that matter. All civilization is at stake, and we can save it only if all peoples join together in the task. You Americans did so much, in the last century, to build an effective multilateral system, with the United Nations at its heart. Do you need it less today, and does it need you less, than 60 years ago? Surely not. More than ever today, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system through which the world’s peoples can face global challenges together. And in order to function more effectively, the system still cries out for far-sighted American leadership, in the Truman tradition. I hope and pray that the American leaders of today, and tomorrow, will provide it.
 
*Eradication of extreme poverty has been identified as a priority, and specific targets have been set for prescribed measures. Many said the potential benefits of globalization are understood but people have yet to feel them. It is agreed that part of the solution lies in sovereign States giving priority to the needs of their people, especially the poorest. States, however, must work with the private sector and civil society to solve the problems of globalization. A more equitable world economy has been called for, one where those who have more do more for those who have less. 
 
==Quotes about== 
===A===

*It may be said that the actual birth of World Government coincided with the formation of the United Nations Organization, and with the desperate wish to invest it with real authority. So the embryonic World Government is potentially already there, founded essentially upon the heritage of the League of Nations. What shape it eventually takes, whether it becomes an enlargement of former tyrannies, or whether in fact it will prove to be the instrument by means of which we shall produce our promised Golden Age, depends upon ourselves, the people.  Only by appreciating possibilities shall we know for what to strive. In this respect we are not in such an inferior position to the experts as we might think, because we are  living in a time of transition, when everything is going to be so different that the experts are possibly more handicapped by their traditional time-worn knowledge than are we, untrained and with minds empty of red tape and  orthodoxy. It is possible that the truths and values of the coming new world conditions will be more easily and correctly apprehended by the man in the street to-day than by the tired politicians and economists.  p. 23-24
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*The voice of humanity, as expressed by its greatest leaders is now declaring these things. The United Nations are beginning to back up these standards and ideal. They are being translated into action with the general consent of the people, and without arousing consternation, query or protest. As a whole the people are ready to go forward into this new outlook. Naturally, there exist large and powerful anti-progress elements in the community, the tenacious profiteers of all kinds, but they have had to recognize that they cannot outwardly protest — they are up against the strong tide of the peoples’ will-to-good, and can only work underground. So that we can really say that the revolutionary principles declared by the Atlantic Charter and  Lend-lease have been ‘carried unanimously’ as it were.  156-157 
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*We cannot say just because the United Nations...Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. So, it's about evidences and documents, whenever they have we can discuss it just to discuss the report that we don't see in reality related to it. It is just a waste of time[...]for one reason, they haven't implemented, they never implemented any of the resolutions that related to the Arab world for example the Palestinians to the Syrian land. Why don't they, if they talk about human rights, what about the Palestinians suffering in the occupied territory? what about my land...my people? that leave their land because it's occupied by Israel...
**[[Bashar al-Assad]], ''Interview with Barbara Walters'' (December 2011) ABC News

*Eagerly, musician, Sweep your string, So we may sing, Elated, optative,&lt;br&gt;Our several voices Interblending, Playfully contending, Not interfering&lt;br&gt;But co-inhering, For all within The cincture of the sound Is holy ground,&lt;br&gt;Where all are Brothers, None faceless Others.&lt;br&gt;Let mortals beware Of words, for With words we lie, &lt;BR&gt;Can say peace When we mean war,&lt;br&gt;Foul thought speak fair And promise falsely, But song is true:&lt;BR&gt; Let music for peace Be the paradigm, For peace means to change&lt;br&gt;At the right time, As the World Clock, Goes Tick and Tock.&lt;br&gt;So may the story Of our human city Presently move Like music,&lt;br&gt;when Begotten notes New notes beget,&lt;BR&gt; Making the flowing Of time a growing,Till what it could be, At last it is,&lt;br&gt;Where even sadness Is a form of gladness,&lt;br&gt;Where Fate is Freedom,Grace and Surprise.
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;Hymn to the United Nations&quot;, music by Pablo Casals; reported in ''The New York Times'' (October 25, 1971), p. 40.

===B===
*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the United Nations at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*The true problem of the United Nations is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]].
*There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as &quot;talking and bargaining points&quot;. The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from politics and from capitalism...
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the capitalism of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of imperialism; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western idealism.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency.
*What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that &quot;hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love&quot;. This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations.
*The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*At least 70 countries have signed on to the March 23 call by UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] for a worldwide ceasefire during the Covid-19 pandemic. Like non-essential business and spectator sports, [[war]] is a luxury that the Secretary General says we must manage without for a while.  After U.S. leaders have told Americans for years that war is a necessary evil or even a solution to many of our problems, Mr. Guterres is reminding us that war is really the most nonessential [[evil]] and an indulgence that the world cannot afford – especially during a pandemic.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and  [[W:Nicolas J. S. Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]] , in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

*The [[António Guterres|UN Secretary General]] and the [[European Union]] have also both called for a suspension of the [[Economic sanctions|economic warfare]] that the US wages against other countries through unilateral coercive [[sanctions]]. Countries under unilateral US sanctions include [[Cuba]], [[Iran]], [[Venezuela]], [[Nicaragua]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]], [[Sudan]], [[Syria]] and [[Zimbabwe]].&lt;BR&gt;In his update on April 3rd, Guterres showed that he was taking his ceasefire call seriously, insisting on actual ceasefires, not just feel-good declarations. &quot;…There is a huge distance between declarations and deeds,&quot; Guterres said. His original plea to &quot;put armed conflict on lockdown&quot; explicitly called on warring parties everywhere to &quot;silence the guns, stop the artillery, end the airstrikes,&quot; not just to say that they would like to, or that they’ll consider it if their enemies do it first.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

* Since the creation of the United Nations in 1945, over 100 major conflicts around the world have left some 20 million dead.
** [[Boutros Boutros-Ghali]] in a speech in 1992. Cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 9/8; article: ''How Was the World 50 Years Ago?''

* Memos about the sexual abuse in the Central African Republic were &quot;passed from desk to desk, inbox to inbox, across multiple UN offices, with no one willing to take responsibility&quot;, the report found. It added: &quot;The welfare of the victims and the accountability of the perpetrators appeared to be an afterthought, if considered at all.&quot; The investigation revealed that French peacekeepers from the UN's children agency, UNICEF, failed to act on reports of sexual abuse in early 2014 in the midst of civil war. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon expressed &quot;profound regret that these children were betrayed by the very people sent to protect them&quot; and said he accepted the panel's broad findings. No one has been arrested more than a year and a half after UN authorities were made aware of the sexual abuse allegations. Four French soldiers were questioned last week and released without charge. It took almost a year for UN staff to respond to allegations of rape by six children. One child reported he had been &quot;orally and anally raped.&quot;
** Jonathan Bucks, [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp Starving children 'as young as NINE forced to give UN officials oral sex to get food'], ''Express'', 18 December 2015

* To make peace in the world secure, the United Nations must have readily at its disposal, as a result of firm commitments undertaken by all of its members, military strength of sufficient dimensions to make it certain that it can meet aggressive military force with international military force, speedily and conclusively. If that kind of strength is made available to the United Nations [...] in my view that strength will never again be challenged in war and therefore need never be employed. But military strength will not be enough. The moral position of the United Nations must ever be strong and unassailable; it must stand steadfastly, always, for the right.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means. The United Nations - in Indonesia, Palestine, and Kashmir - has demonstrated convincingly that parties to the most severe conflict may be induced to abandon war as the method of settlement in favour of mediation and conciliation, at a merciful saving of untold lives and acute suffering. Unfortunately, there may yet be some in the world who have not learned that today war can settle nothing, that aggressive force can never be enough, nor will it be tolerated. If this should be so, the pitiless wrath of the organized world must fall upon those who would endanger the peace for selfish ends. For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

*There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. At times, perhaps, it has done so, but never to its own advantage nor to that of the sacred causes of peace and freedom. If the peoples of the world are strong in their resolve and if they speak through the United Nations, they need never be confronted with the tragic alternatives of war or dishonourable appeasement, death, or enslavement.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]
[[File:UN_Security_Council.jpg|thumb|The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means... For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
~[[Ralph Bunche]]]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together... the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields...One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether new in world affairs... The Security Council, with its arbitrary veto... has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto... The days of empire and dominion are past. ~[[Benjamin Creme]]]]
* It is worthy of emphasis that the United Nations exists not merely to preserve the peace but also to make change - even radical change - possible without violent upheaval. The United Nations has no vested interest in the status quo. It seeks a more secure world, a better world, a world of progress for all peoples. In the dynamic world society which is the objective of the United Nations, all peoples must have equality and equal rights. The rights of those who at any given time may be in the minority - whether for reasons of race, religion, or ideology - are as important as those of the majority, and the minorities must enjoy the same respect and protection. The United Nations does not seek a world cut after a single pattern, nor does it consider this desirable. The United Nations seeks only unity, not uniformity, out of the world's diversity.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* For the first time since [[World War II]] the [[international community]] is united. The leadership of the United Nations, once only a hoped-for ideal, is now confirming its founders’ vision. . . . The world can therefore seize this opportunity to fulfill the long-held promise of a new world order.
** [[George H. W. Bush]], the President of the United States in his State of the Union message to that nation, January 29, 1991.
[[File:&quot;WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS&quot; - NARA - 516086.jpg|thumb|The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNchangedcolorBLUE.png|thumb|The United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet. ~ [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]

===C===
*[[War]]! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the [[war]], but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end [[war]]s, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] - about as much as we need an ear infection... Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
**[[Pat Condell]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch?v=8bzTA_D5NpU Free speech is sacred] ([[17 March]], 2009; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])
 
*'''The UN will become the major debating chamber of the world. All world problems will be debated there and resolutions passed which will implement the new system.''' An entirely new UN agency will be set up specifically to oversee the process of sharing the world's resources. But I must emphasize that we have free will; nothing will be forced on humanity. When humanity of its own free will accepts the principle of sharing and asks [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]] and His group of [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], how do we do this, how do we set about sharing, then we will find that the plan is already there.
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  ''Maitreya's Mission Vol. III'' (1997) 

*[[Trust]] will be created by the economic change, the number one change, the answer to all our problems really, the starting part of the answer to all our problems is in the change in the economic redistribution of the world's resources, which... [[Masters of Wisdom|the masters]] written over and over again is the key to all further changes because it creates [[trust]] and when you create trust, all things become possible.  Then you get changes in the political field, changes in the political field make changes in the economic field easier and these make easier changes in the purely practical field of looking after the planet. Then, not only America, but the Europeans, Japan, and some of the more powerful industrialized nations will have to look very seriously at their plans for implementing an agreement like the kyoto agreement but further agreements which will be brought forward and signed by large numbers of groups. In this situation, the United nations will become the key factor. Then it will come into it's own... The world owes the United Nations a tremendous debt. It is one of the great educators of the world. It is one of the great medical sources for millions and millions of people. Health care for groups who have no other means of healthcare... Without the United Nations, which is a triumph of modern society, millions and millions of people would go wanting, even more than they do (now). 
**[[Benjamin Creme]] speaking about [https://share-international.org/av/v_unity_sf2001.htm Unity], (2001)

*The United Nations is, of course, the forum in which the voice of the smaller nations can be raised and heard. This is only possible when the Security Council, with its arbitrary veto, is abolished. It has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto. Then will we see the nations acting without restraints imposed by Great Power veto and financial inducement. Those who call loudest for democracy in foreign lands are strangely blind to its absence in the halls of the United Nations. Men must come to realize that the people of all the nations are one and equal, dependent each upon the other. No one nation owns, nor can rule, the world. No one nation can stand alone against the rest. The days of empire and dominion are past. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]]   [http://www.share-international.org/master/2018/ma-2018_05.htm The Brotherhood of Man], Share International Magazine (May 2018, first published October 2005)

*The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together...We see the limitations of the United Nations, but the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields - the economic, the ecological, the medical, and the social field - tremendous work of reconstruction and reorganisation. One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether  new in world affairs...
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) as quoted in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2014/2014-09.htm Share International Magazine] (September 2014)

===D===
*The United Nations Organization is charged with positive tasks. That at least gives it a chance to be potent in the world. Whether the chance is realized will depend primarily upon the General Assembly. The role of the Security Council is predominantly negative. Its task is to stop the nations from public brawling. But it has no mandate to change the conditions which make brawls likely.&lt;BR&gt;By contrast, the General Assembly, directly or through its Economic and Social Council, is charged: to promote international cooperation in economic, social, cultural, educational and health fields; to assist in the realization of human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without distinction as to race, sex, language or religion and, in this connection, to establish a Commission on Human Rights; to promote higher standards of living, full employment and conditions of economic and social progress and development...assuming the role of a &quot;town meeting of the world,&quot; where public opinion is focused as an effective force.
**[[John Foster Dulles]] in [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/1945-10-01/united-nations-prospectus ''The United Nations: a Prospectus''] ''Foreign Affairs'' (October 1945) 
* The United Nations represents not a final stage in the development of world order, but only a primitive stage.  Therefore its primary task is to create the conditions which will make possible a more highly developed organization.
** [[John Foster Dulles]] in &lt;i&gt;War on Peace&lt;/i&gt; (1949).

===G===
* When it comes with [United Nations] Security Council my opininion is very clear, from now on, I do not accept the Security Council as up now. I call on all nations to stop recognizing the Security Council as up now. Its existence is illegal, unacceptable, and non-democratic. We will not attend its sessions, we will not recognize it at all. I call upon the world to stop recognizing the Security Council from now on in its current form, it is useless! 65 wars have happened and the Security Council did not deter the aggressions, what is the Security Council? it is the tool in the hands of major powers using it to serve their exclusive interests.
**[[Muammar Gaddafi]] ''Talk to Al-Jazeera'' (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

===H===
* It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. I shall remain in my post during the term of my office as a servant of the Organization in the interests of all those other nations, as long as they wish me to do so.
** [[Dag Hammarskjold]], statement to the General Assembly of the United Nations (October 3, 1960); in ''Official Records of the United Nations, General Assembly'', vol. 1, p. 332.

* I have so much respect for the [[United Nations|U.N.]] in the field, that [[humanitarian]] aid workers, the [[human rights]] officials. And what frustrates me a great deal is the intergovernmental discussions where the states themselves are often unable to arrive at a conclusion, where the discussions are often rather thoughtless, banal and sometimes too formulaic. And I think the world's people deserve better, and they deserve a political class around the world that is really solving the problems of the planet.
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview with[[NPR]]: [https://www.npr.org/2018/09/18/649274524/former-u-n-rights-human-rights-chief-outlines-the-state-of-the-geopolitical-clim ''Former U.N. Human Rights Chief Outlines The State Of The Geopolitical Climate, All Things Considered,''] (18 September 2018)

*[Question: What surprised him most about his U.N. post?] I think I knew there would be strong [[wikt:pushback|pushback]] from governments, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of human [[wikt:suffering|suffering]], the feeling of [[wikt:inadequacy|inadequacy]]. I could give speeches, do reports and press conferences, but it was not equal to the need to [[wikt:alleviate|alleviate]] the suffering... You see the severest [[w:degradation|degradation]]. Bombs hit schools, hospitals, marketplaces, and law seems not to matter at all. All [[International law|rules of war]] were cast aside...   It seems President Trump is drawn by [[authoritarian]] leadership that shows little respect for [[human rights]]. This feeds the perspective that the U.S. doesn’t care. When he attacks the U.S. media as ‘enemies of the people,’ two days later [an autocrat like] Cambodia’s Hun Sen uses the same language... It’s not like we gave a pass to the Obama administration, but we were able to talk to the U.S. administration under Obama. This doesn’t apply to the Trump administration. 
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview: [https://www.philly.com/opinion/zeid-raad-alhussein-trump-un-high-commissioner-human-rights-syria-yemen-russia-20190328.html ''Former UN human rights chief on Trump, populism, and complacency toward war crimes, Philly.com'' Trudy Rubin]  (28 March 2019)

===K===
*For the UN is rightly criticized for being anachronistic, for reflecting the old world that is drifting away into the past. Particularly we, the Polish people, and all the nations of Central and Eastern Europe find it difficult to forget about that. The UN idea dates back to 1943; to the meeting of the &quot;Big Three&quot; in Tehran; to the illusions that Roosevelt harbored about Stalin, benevolently nicknamed &quot;Uncle Joe&quot;. As a result, the road to San Francisco led via Yalta. And even though Poland had made a major contribution to the victory which put an end to the Second World War, in June 1945 a representative of our country was not allowed to put his signature to the United Nations Charter. We remember that event when Artur Rubinstein, seeing that there was no Polish delegation at the concert to mark the signing of the Charter, decided to play the Dąbrowski Mazurka, Poland's national anthem, to demonstrate that &quot;Poland was not lost yet&quot;, that Poland lived on. I am recalling this because I had a very touching moment a few days ago in the same San Francisco opera house, to which I was invited for the opening of the season. This time it was the orchestra that played the &quot;Dąbrowski Mazurka&quot;, and at that moment the memories of the great Artur Rubinstein and his performance came back with full force and it was very touching indeed for me. The UN is rooted in the Second World War and in the post-war situation; it reflects the balance of power of that era.
**[[w:Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander Kwaśniewski]], [http://www.president.pl/en/archive/news-archive/news-2005/art,36,participation-of-the-president-of-the-republic-of-poland-in-an-academic-conference-the-united-nations-an-.html &quot;The United Nations: an Assessment and Prospects&quot;] (2005)

===L===
*How can a beret coloured blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from [[Sweden]], [[Canada]] or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the [[racism]] and paternalism of people whose only vision of [[Africa]] is lion hunting, [[slave]] markets and [[Colonialism|colonial conquest]]; people for whom the history of civilisation is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they understand the [[Belgium|Belgians]]. They have the same past, the same [[history]], the same lust for our [[wealth]].
**[[Patrice Lumumba]], quoted in ''The Assassination of Lumumba'', on UN forces siding with Belgium (the outgoing colonizers of [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|the Congo]])

===M===
*The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]].  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. It is for this reason that I believe NATO should be abolished and that steps be taken towards disarmament through non-violent action and civil resistance.
**[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',]  (14 October 2014)

* The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action.
** [[Robert McNamara]], U.S. Secretary of Defense, address before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, Montreal, Canada (May 19, 1966), ''Congressional Record'' (May 19, 1966), vol. 112, p. 11114.

===O===
* And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium].
* Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. I trust that mankind will succeed in halting and reversing the course towards the precipice.
** [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]], Polish Minister for Foreign Affairs, stated in a letter dated May 9, 1985.

===P===
* I hope the United Nations will ever remain the supreme forum of peace and justice, the authentic seat of freedom.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], October 1979, addressed the UN General Assembly.

*How many people outside China are aware of the responsible way China acts internationally? Take the [[UN]] for example.  According to the respected journalist [[Fareed Zakaria]], writing in this month’s ''Foreign Affairs'', “Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms”.   This is a very different China than the one projected by many Western politicians and journalists. Usually, China is reported as being an impediment at the [[w:United Nations Security Council|Security Council]], using its veto fast and furiously.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']],       (March 5, 2020)

===R===
*Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The UN is our greatest hope for future peace. Alone we cannot keep the peace of the world, but in cooperation with others we have to achieve this much longed-for security.”
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
* We have been determined . . . to so organize the peace-loving nations that they may through unity of desire, unity of will, and unity of strength be in position to assure that no other would-be aggressor or conqueror shall even get started. That is why from the very beginning of the [[war]], and paralleling our military plans, we have begun to lay the foundations for the general organization for the maintenance of [[peace]] and [[security]].
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]],  Quoted (1944) in''Peace and Security—The Hope'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'', (1 October 1985)
*The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation...it must be a peace which rests on the cooperative effort of the whole world.&quot;
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] as quoted [https://www.nps.gov/frde/learn/photosmultimedia/quotations.htm   Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial] NPS.gov (1 March 1945)
*We pay tribute to the soldiers and fliers and seamen of others of the United Nations whose countries have been overrun by Axis hordes.  As a result of the Allied occupation of North Africa, powerful units of the French Army and Navy are going into action. They are in action with the United Nations forces. We welcome them as allies and as friends. They join with those Frenchmen who, since the dark days of June, 1940, have been fighting valiantly... &lt;BR&gt;We pay tribute to the fighting leaders of our allies, to Winston Churchill, to Joseph Stalin, and to the Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek. Yes, there is a very great unanimity between the leaders of the United Nations... &lt;BR&gt;I cannot tell you when or where the United Nations are going to strike next in Europe. But we are going to strike--and strike hard. I cannot tell you whether we are going to hit them in Norway... through Poland--or at several points simultaneously. But I can tell you that no matter where and when we strike by land, we and the British and the Russians will hit them from the air heavily and relentlessly...&lt;BR&gt;Hitler and Mussolini will understand now the enormity of their miscalculations--that the Nazis would always have the advantage of superior air power...That superiority has gone--forever.&lt;BR&gt;Yes, the Nazis and the Fascists have asked for it--and they are going to get it.
**Franklin Delano Roosevelt in [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/state-of-the-union-1943.php State of the Union Address 1943] University of Groningen, NL (7 January 1943) 

===S===
*The idea that the UN system could provide real leadership on the great development challenges will strain credulity in some quarters. 
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]] in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-BjuAAAAMAAJ The Economist, Volume 365, Issues 8293-8296]'', The Economist Newspaper Ltd., 2002, p. 200

*So, yes, we have a global food system, but we need a different system. That different system must be based on the principle of universal human dignity in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]], the principle of national sovereignty in the [[UN Charter]], and the economic rights in the Universal Declaration and the [[W:International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights|International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights]]. In the Universal Declaration, all governments agreed that social protection is a human right, not merely a “nice thing,” or a pleasant thing, but a basic human right. That was 73 years ago. The Sustainable Development Goals are our generation’s pledge to honor the Universal Declaration of Human Rights...
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*We need the United Nations as the core and central institution of our world.  The only way we’re going to have a peaceful, civilized world is through a strong UN.  It’s absurd that the UN core budget is a mere $3 billion per year, when New York City’s budget is around $100 billion.  We chronically underfund the UN system and then ask, “Why don’t things work well?”   
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*It was a question of: “All right, what now?” And I didn’t really have an idea... I talked with lawyers that were introduced to me by the journalists — human rights lawyers — and tried to plan my next stage....I talked to the United Nations. And ultimately, the United Nations came back and went...&quot;...the U.S. has enormous sway in our organization. They pay an enormous amount of our budget. And the U.S. gets what the U.S. wants. We probably can’t help you...”
**[[Edward Snowden]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/9/30/whistleblower_edward_snowden_permanent_record_nsa &quot;Snowden Reveals How He Secretly Exposed NSA Criminal Wrongdoing Without Getting Arrested&quot;,] ''DemocracyNow!'', (September 30, 2019)

* Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, defining diplomatic life, in Herbert J. Muller, ''Adlai Stevenson'' (1967), p. 274.

===T===
* [[w:Marshall Plan|Our support of European recovery]] is in full accord with our support of the United Nations. The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=12805 Harry S. Truman: &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Marshall Plan.,&quot; December 19, 1947. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]
* The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics to which this country is dedicated.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe,&quot; March 17, 1948. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

===W===
* You must not expect the United Nations to accomplish [[miracle]]s. We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish.
** [[Kurt Waldheim]], quoted in the article ''The United Nations—How Strong a World Force?'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, September 15, 1974.
* I am convinced that the United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet.
** That conviction was expressed by former Secretary-General [[Kurt Waldheim]] in his book ''The Challenge of Peace''. While admitting the UN’s shortcomings, he also explained: &quot;One should realize that the United Nations is, after all, the world in microcosm. Its weaknesses must consequently be ascribed primarily to the contradictions that characterize the world community itself&quot;; and &quot;I should point out that it [the UN] is no more than a mirror of the world it serves. That [[world]] is a conglomerate of extremely varied, often intractable, passionate, and antagonistic [[nation]]s&quot;.

===Z===
[[File:United Nations Security Council.jpg|thumb|It is useless! 65 wars have happened and the [United Nations] [[W:UNSC|Security Council]] did not deter the aggressions. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]]]]

* Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms.   
**[[Fareed Zakaria]], quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']], (March 5, 2020)

* I believe the United Nations has been gradually weakened since the end of the Cold War, despite the fact that important initiatives have been passed recently. In 1954, UN officials realized that the world needed to share its resources better, and that it was unfair that some countries were so poor and others so wealthy. Back then, the first most important programme was created: the [[w:United Nations Development Program|United Nations Development Program (UNDP)]]. Suddenly, the international community realized that sharing was the key.  And what’s the best course of action for sharing? Development. &lt;BR&gt;Then came a long debate over how to develop all countries to the same level, and whether political, educational and cultural developments were necessary for economic development. This is what we now call ‘integral development’. But then another notion emerged which is even more important: ‘endogenous development’, helping countries to help themselves. This is ‘capacity building’, but at present we are not doing this at all; if we were, every rich country would give 0.7 per cent of its GDP [Gross Domestic Product]. &lt;BR&gt; A third big step in the field of development came with the notion of ‘sustainability’. Gro Harlem Brundtland was the first to say that development is useless if we exhaust natural resources. Therefore, every resource we use must be replenished in equal proportion. It goes without saying that we are not taking any of these three basic and commonsense steps in development. We are not bringing about development with a human face...
**[[w:Federico Mayor Zaragoza|Federico Mayor Zaragoza]] in   [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2007/oct_07.htm#correspondents ''The true soul of the United Nations, Interview with  Federico Mayor Zaragoza, Share International,''] (October 2007)

===''The Crime of Silence'' by Federico Major Zaragoza(2011) ===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.fund-culturadepaz.org/doc/The_Crime_of_Silence_FM.pdf  Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* The time has come to replace groups of [[plutocrats]] (created by [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister Thatcher]] that have proved to be totally useless) by a strong United Nations, endowed with the personal, technical and financial resources that would enable it to fulfill its noble mission (of ensuring international security; guaranteeing democratic principles; freedom of expression and access to accurate information; of coordinated action to reduce the impact of natural and man-made catastrophes; protecting the environment; providing appropriately applied guidelines for social and economic development)... p. 4 &amp; 5

* International trusts operate with absolute impunity, due to the United Nations not being strong enough to impose the authority that could benefit each and everyone, the oil tankers from different countries –who nonetheless sail under the same two or three ―flags – continue to pollute the sea, and the lawbreakers –such as the ones who traffic in weapons, drugs and human beings and who seek shelter in tax heavens to escape from their responsibilities– cannot be either arrested or taken before the courts.  p. 11

* News of important events that might make us reflect and adopt our own decisions and attitudes (and this is precisely what education is all about) are concealed, distorted or otherwise disguised. The meetings of the [[w:Group of Eight|G8]] (a group of plutocrats who attempt to govern the world) fill pages upon pages, while proposals for reform made by the United Nations as a whole or by its financial institutions (managed by the President of the [[w: United Nations General Assembly|General Assembly]] with the participation of [[w: List of Nobel Memorial Prize laureates in Economics|Nobel Prize Laureates in Economics]]) receive only a few  paragraphs. The same may be said of worldwide meetings such as the recent  [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]] World Conference on Higher Education (not even a line!) or with respect to the topic that for me (and for that reason I reiterate this) constitutes our greatest problem of conscience: the [[w: extreme poverty|extreme poverty and hunger]], which, in a horrendous [[genocide]], results in the death of 60,000 persons daily, while we invest over 2500 million euros in useless weapons.  p. 13/14

* '''Can The World Be Fixed?'''&lt;BR&gt; 1) If [[democracy]] is consolidated and political leaders take the reins instead of bowing to pressure from [[w: Financial institution|financial institutions]], and replace our present [[w:speculation|speculation]]-based economy with a [[w:knowledge economy|knowledge-based economy]]. &lt;BR&gt; 2) If investment in [[w:military spending|weapons and military spending]] is reduced and more money is devoted to global [[w:sustainable development|sustainable development]], significantly increasing the number of people who benefit from progress.&lt;BR&gt; 3) If [[w:tax haven|tax havens]] are decisively closed down and [[w:alternative financing|alternative financing]] measures are put into place, such as fees for electronic transactions. &lt;BR&gt; 4) If, for once and for all, the plutocratic [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8, [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]... factions imposed by the ―globalizers&quot; are dissolved and the United Nations is reinforced and endowed with the means for fulfilling its worldwide security missions, enforcing [[international law]], including the [[World Trade Organization]] and ensuring that the [[w:World Bank|World Bank]] and [[w:International Monetary Fund|International Monetary Fund]] carry out the goals for which they were founded, with rapid deployment of [[w:Blue Helmets|UN Blue Helmets]], rather than remaining as passive witnesses to [[genocide]] and [[Crimes against humanity|massive human rights violations]]... &lt;BR&gt; 5) If it is decided overnight that drugs are worthless and are made universally available at reasonable prices, as is the case with alcohol and tobacco. [[w:Drug liberalization|This ―legalization]] would be accompanied, as warranted, by a  campaign in the [[w:communications media|communications media]], educational institutions, etc. to discourage drug use and [encourage] clinical treatment to cure addiction. &lt;BR&gt;6) If citizens the world over, aware of the [[w:activism|power of distance participation]], cease to be resigned ―receivers and turn to [[action]]. &lt;BR&gt;'''The world can be fixed.'''   p.&amp;nbsp;21. 

* The United Nations have been reduced to an international [[w:humanitarian aid|humanitarian agency]] and an institutional refuge of convenience, conferring real power to groups of the world’s wealthiest nations (G6, [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8.... [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]). Since the 1980s when values ([[social justice]], [[equity]], [[solidarity]] …) were replaced by the [[W:market economy|rules of the market]] and [[Democracy|the ―democracy]]  that the UN represented was replaced by [[plutocracy]], it became clear that [[Inequality|inequalities]] would increase, production would be outsourced, [[w:tax havens|tax havens]] would overflow instead of being shut down once and for all, supranational [[w:Smuggling|trafficking (drugs, arms, people)]] would go unpunished, financial transactions would remain unregulated…  p.&amp;nbsp;23/24.

== See also ==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Charter of the United Nations]]
*[[Compassion]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Food]]
*[[Global warming|Global warming crisis]]
*[[Health care|Healthcare]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Hunger]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Poverty]]
*[[Sharing]]
*[[home|Shelter]]
*[[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]
*[[Rule of law]]
*[[Youth activism]]
*[[Unity]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]
*[[World peace]]
*[[World view]]

== External links ==
* [http://www.un.org U.N. homepage]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20150602005106/http://www.unv.org/ United Nations Volunteers]
* [http://research.un.org/en/docs United Nations Documentation Research Guide]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5O114-PQNYkurlTg6hekZw Official YouTube channel] (in English)

==Wikipedia articles and lists==
* [[w:List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations|List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations]]
* [[w:Model United Nations|Model United Nations]]
* [[w:United Nations in popular culture|United Nations in popular culture]]
* [[w:United Nations television film series|United Nations television film series]]
* [[w:World Summit on the Information Society|World Summit on the Information Society]]

[[Category:United Nations| ]]
[[Category: Themes]]
[[Category: Politics]]
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[[File:Emblem of the United Nations.svg|thumb| We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish. &lt;/br&gt; [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]
The [[w:United Nations|'''United Nations''']] ('''UN''') is an [[w:intergovernmental organization|intergovernmental organization]] to promote international co-operation. A replacement for the ineffective [[w:League of Nations|League of Nations]], the organization was  established on 24 October 1945 after [[World War II]] in order to prevent another such conflict. At its founding, the UN had 51 [[w:Member states of the United Nations|member states]]; there are now 193. The [[w:headquarters of the United Nations|headquarters of the United Nations]] is in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]], [[New York City|New York]], and experiences [[w:extraterritoriality|extraterritoriality]]. Further main offices are situated in [[w:United Nations Office at Geneva|Geneva]], [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|Nairobi]] and [[w:United Nations Office at Vienna|Vienna]]. The organization is financed by assessed and voluntary contributions from its member states. Its objectives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment, and providing humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== Quotes ==
=== Preamble to the United Nations Charter ===
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|World War II poster from the United States on the United Nations - Preamble to the Charter of the United Nations]]
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:United Nations (Member States and Territories).svg|thumb|United Nations Members]]

The Preamble to the treaty reads as follows:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
; WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
* to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and 
* to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and 
* to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and 
* to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, 
; AND FOR THESE ENDS
* to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and 
* to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and 
* to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and 
* to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,
; HAVE RESOLVED TO COMBINE OUR EFFORTS TO ACCOMPLISH THESE AIMS.
Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|right|There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. ~ [[Ralph Bunche]]]]

[[File:Ali Khamenei and Bashar al-Assad05.jpg|thumb|right|Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]]
[[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|right|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Passenger Disembarking from Ship at Ashdod Port (1).jpg|thumb|[[European Union|The European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for peaceful settlements of conflict, are now one of the most important war assets of the U.S./[[NATO]] front.  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on.  ~[[Mairead Maguire]] ]]
[[File:Small Flag of the United Nations ZP.svg|thumb|It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjold]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Headquarters in New York City, view from Roosevelt Island.jpg|thumb|The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action. ~ [[Robert McNamara]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. ~ [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]] ]]
===Charter of the United Nations, Chapter I: Purposes And Principles===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
====Article 1====
The Purposes of the United Nations are 
# To maintain international peace  and security, to take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace, and for the suppression of acts of aggression or other breaches of the peace, and to bring about by peaceful means, and in conformity with the principles of justice and international law, adjustment or settlement of international disputes or situations which might lead to a breach of the peace;
# To develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights  and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace;
# To achieve international co-operation in solving international problems of an economic, social, cultural, or [w:international humanitarian law|humanitarian]] character, and in promoting and encouraging respect for human rights and for fundamental freedoms  for all without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion; and
# To be a centre for harmonizing the actions of nations in the attainment of these common ends.
 
===United Nations ''Message for the new millennium'' by Secretary General [[Kofi Annan]]  (30 December 1999)===
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/millennium/584374.stm (text of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's Message for the New Millennium)]

*More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. And that, my friends, is why we have the United Nations.&lt;BR&gt; Through the United Nations, we are working together to preserve peace; to outlaw weapons that kill and maim indiscriminately; to bring mass murderers and war criminals to justice. Through the United Nations, we are working together to defeat Aids and other epidemics; to control climate change; to make clean air and water available to everyone. Through the United Nations, we are working together to ensure that the global market benefits all of us, allowing the poor to lift themselves out of poverty.  

*Through the United Nations, we are working together to make human rights a reality for everyone - to give all human beings real choices in life, and a real say in decisions that affect their lives. In all these areas and more, the United Nations is working for you. But it can do little without you. After all, it belongs to you, the peoples of the world. And therefore it can work much better with your help and your ideas.&lt;BR&gt;My friends, the new millennium need not be a time of fear or anxiety. If we work together and have faith in our own abilities, it can be a time of hope and opportunity. It's up to us to make it so.
 
*My friends, our challenge today is not to save Western civilization — or Eastern, for that matter. All civilization is at stake, and we can save it only if all peoples join together in the task. You Americans did so much, in the last century, to build an effective multilateral system, with the United Nations at its heart. Do you need it less today, and does it need you less, than 60 years ago? Surely not. More than ever today, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system through which the world’s peoples can face global challenges together. And in order to function more effectively, the system still cries out for far-sighted American leadership, in the Truman tradition. I hope and pray that the American leaders of today, and tomorrow, will provide it.
 
*Eradication of extreme poverty has been identified as a priority, and specific targets have been set for prescribed measures. Many said the potential benefits of globalization are understood but people have yet to feel them. It is agreed that part of the solution lies in sovereign States giving priority to the needs of their people, especially the poorest. States, however, must work with the private sector and civil society to solve the problems of globalization. A more equitable world economy has been called for, one where those who have more do more for those who have less. 
 
==Quotes about== 
===A===

*It may be said that the actual birth of World Government coincided with the formation of the United Nations Organization, and with the desperate wish to invest it with real authority. So the embryonic World Government is potentially already there, founded essentially upon the heritage of the League of Nations. What shape it eventually takes, whether it becomes an enlargement of former tyrannies, or whether in fact it will prove to be the instrument by means of which we shall produce our promised Golden Age, depends upon ourselves, the people.  Only by appreciating possibilities shall we know for what to strive. In this respect we are not in such an inferior position to the experts as we might think, because we are  living in a time of transition, when everything is going to be so different that the experts are possibly more handicapped by their traditional time-worn knowledge than are we, untrained and with minds empty of red tape and  orthodoxy. It is possible that the truths and values of the coming new world conditions will be more easily and correctly apprehended by the man in the street to-day than by the tired politicians and economists.  p. 23-24
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*The voice of humanity, as expressed by its greatest leaders is now declaring these things. The United Nations are beginning to back up these standards and ideal. They are being translated into action with the general consent of the people, and without arousing consternation, query or protest. As a whole the people are ready to go forward into this new outlook. Naturally, there exist large and powerful anti-progress elements in the community, the tenacious profiteers of all kinds, but they have had to recognize that they cannot outwardly protest — they are up against the strong tide of the peoples’ will-to-good, and can only work underground. So that we can really say that the revolutionary principles declared by the Atlantic Charter and  Lend-lease have been ‘carried unanimously’ as it were.  156-157 
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*We cannot say just because the United Nations...Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. So, it's about evidences and documents, whenever they have we can discuss it just to discuss the report that we don't see in reality related to it. It is just a waste of time[...]for one reason, they haven't implemented, they never implemented any of the resolutions that related to the Arab world for example the Palestinians to the Syrian land. Why don't they, if they talk about human rights, what about the Palestinians suffering in the occupied territory? what about my land...my people? that leave their land because it's occupied by Israel...
**[[Bashar al-Assad]], ''Interview with Barbara Walters'' (December 2011) ABC News

*Eagerly, musician, Sweep your string, So we may sing, Elated, optative,&lt;br&gt;Our several voices Interblending, Playfully contending, Not interfering&lt;br&gt;But co-inhering, For all within The cincture of the sound Is holy ground,&lt;br&gt;Where all are Brothers, None faceless Others.&lt;br&gt;Let mortals beware Of words, for With words we lie, &lt;BR&gt;Can say peace When we mean war,&lt;br&gt;Foul thought speak fair And promise falsely, But song is true:&lt;BR&gt; Let music for peace Be the paradigm, For peace means to change&lt;br&gt;At the right time, As the World Clock, Goes Tick and Tock.&lt;br&gt;So may the story Of our human city Presently move Like music,&lt;br&gt;when Begotten notes New notes beget,&lt;BR&gt; Making the flowing Of time a growing,Till what it could be, At last it is,&lt;br&gt;Where even sadness Is a form of gladness,&lt;br&gt;Where Fate is Freedom,Grace and Surprise.
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;Hymn to the United Nations&quot;, music by Pablo Casals; reported in ''The New York Times'' (October 25, 1971), p. 40.

===B===
*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the United Nations at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*The true problem of the United Nations is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]].
*There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as &quot;talking and bargaining points&quot;. The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from politics and from capitalism...
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the capitalism of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of imperialism; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western idealism.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency.
*What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that &quot;hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love&quot;. This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations.
*The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*At least 70 countries have signed on to the March 23 call by UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] for a worldwide ceasefire during the Covid-19 pandemic. Like non-essential business and spectator sports, [[war]] is a luxury that the Secretary General says we must manage without for a while.  After U.S. leaders have told Americans for years that war is a necessary evil or even a solution to many of our problems, Mr. Guterres is reminding us that war is really the most nonessential [[evil]] and an indulgence that the world cannot afford – especially during a pandemic.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and  [[W:Nicolas J. S. Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]] , in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

*The [[António Guterres|UN Secretary General]] and the [[European Union]] have also both called for a suspension of the [[Economic sanctions|economic warfare]] that the US wages against other countries through unilateral coercive [[sanctions]]. Countries under unilateral US sanctions include [[Cuba]], [[Iran]], [[Venezuela]], [[Nicaragua]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]], [[Sudan]], [[Syria]] and [[Zimbabwe]].&lt;BR&gt;In his update on April 3rd, Guterres showed that he was taking his ceasefire call seriously, insisting on actual ceasefires, not just feel-good declarations. &quot;…There is a huge distance between declarations and deeds,&quot; Guterres said. His original plea to &quot;put armed conflict on lockdown&quot; explicitly called on warring parties everywhere to &quot;silence the guns, stop the artillery, end the airstrikes,&quot; not just to say that they would like to, or that they’ll consider it if their enemies do it first.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

* Since the creation of the United Nations in 1945, over 100 major conflicts around the world have left some 20 million dead.
** [[Boutros Boutros-Ghali]] in a speech in 1992. Cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 9/8; article: ''How Was the World 50 Years Ago?''

* Memos about the sexual abuse in the Central African Republic were &quot;passed from desk to desk, inbox to inbox, across multiple UN offices, with no one willing to take responsibility&quot;, the report found. It added: &quot;The welfare of the victims and the accountability of the perpetrators appeared to be an afterthought, if considered at all.&quot; The investigation revealed that French peacekeepers from the UN's children agency, UNICEF, failed to act on reports of sexual abuse in early 2014 in the midst of civil war. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon expressed &quot;profound regret that these children were betrayed by the very people sent to protect them&quot; and said he accepted the panel's broad findings. No one has been arrested more than a year and a half after UN authorities were made aware of the sexual abuse allegations. Four French soldiers were questioned last week and released without charge. It took almost a year for UN staff to respond to allegations of rape by six children. One child reported he had been &quot;orally and anally raped.&quot;
** Jonathan Bucks, [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp Starving children 'as young as NINE forced to give UN officials oral sex to get food'], ''Express'', 18 December 2015

* To make peace in the world secure, the United Nations must have readily at its disposal, as a result of firm commitments undertaken by all of its members, military strength of sufficient dimensions to make it certain that it can meet aggressive military force with international military force, speedily and conclusively. If that kind of strength is made available to the United Nations [...] in my view that strength will never again be challenged in war and therefore need never be employed. But military strength will not be enough. The moral position of the United Nations must ever be strong and unassailable; it must stand steadfastly, always, for the right.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means. The United Nations - in Indonesia, Palestine, and Kashmir - has demonstrated convincingly that parties to the most severe conflict may be induced to abandon war as the method of settlement in favour of mediation and conciliation, at a merciful saving of untold lives and acute suffering. Unfortunately, there may yet be some in the world who have not learned that today war can settle nothing, that aggressive force can never be enough, nor will it be tolerated. If this should be so, the pitiless wrath of the organized world must fall upon those who would endanger the peace for selfish ends. For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

*There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. At times, perhaps, it has done so, but never to its own advantage nor to that of the sacred causes of peace and freedom. If the peoples of the world are strong in their resolve and if they speak through the United Nations, they need never be confronted with the tragic alternatives of war or dishonourable appeasement, death, or enslavement.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]
[[File:UN_Security_Council.jpg|thumb|The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means... For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
~[[Ralph Bunche]]]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together... the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields...One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether new in world affairs... The Security Council, with its arbitrary veto... has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto... The days of empire and dominion are past. ~[[Benjamin Creme]]]]
* It is worthy of emphasis that the United Nations exists not merely to preserve the peace but also to make change - even radical change - possible without violent upheaval. The United Nations has no vested interest in the status quo. It seeks a more secure world, a better world, a world of progress for all peoples. In the dynamic world society which is the objective of the United Nations, all peoples must have equality and equal rights. The rights of those who at any given time may be in the minority - whether for reasons of race, religion, or ideology - are as important as those of the majority, and the minorities must enjoy the same respect and protection. The United Nations does not seek a world cut after a single pattern, nor does it consider this desirable. The United Nations seeks only unity, not uniformity, out of the world's diversity.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* For the first time since [[World War II]] the [[international community]] is united. The leadership of the United Nations, once only a hoped-for ideal, is now confirming its founders’ vision. . . . The world can therefore seize this opportunity to fulfill the long-held promise of a new world order.
** [[George H. W. Bush]], the President of the United States in his State of the Union message to that nation, January 29, 1991.
[[File:&quot;WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS&quot; - NARA - 516086.jpg|thumb|The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNchangedcolorBLUE.png|thumb|The United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet. ~ [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]

===C===
*[[War]]! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the [[war]], but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end [[war]]s, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] - about as much as we need an ear infection... Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
**[[Pat Condell]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch?v=8bzTA_D5NpU Free speech is sacred] ([[17 March]], 2009; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])
 
*'''The UN will become the major debating chamber of the world. All world problems will be debated there and resolutions passed which will implement the new system.''' An entirely new UN agency will be set up specifically to oversee the process of sharing the world's resources. But I must emphasize that we have free will; nothing will be forced on humanity. When humanity of its own free will accepts the principle of sharing and asks [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]] and His group of [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], how do we do this, how do we set about sharing, then we will find that the plan is already there.
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  ''Maitreya's Mission Vol. III'' (1997) 

*[[Trust]] will be created by the economic change, the number one change, the answer to all our problems really, the starting part of the answer to all our problems is in the change in the economic redistribution of the world's resources, which... [[Masters of Wisdom|the masters]] written over and over again is the key to all further changes because it creates [[trust]] and when you create trust, all things become possible.  Then you get changes in the political field, changes in the political field make changes in the economic field easier and these make easier changes in the purely practical field of looking after the planet. Then, not only America, but the Europeans, Japan, and some of the more powerful industrialized nations will have to look very seriously at their plans for implementing an agreement like the kyoto agreement but further agreements which will be brought forward and signed by large numbers of groups. In this situation, the United nations will become the key factor. Then it will come into it's own... The world owes the United Nations a tremendous debt. It is one of the great educators of the world. It is one of the great medical sources for millions and millions of people. Health care for groups who have no other means of healthcare... Without the United Nations, which is a triumph of modern society, millions and millions of people would go wanting, even more than they do (now). 
**[[Benjamin Creme]] speaking about [https://share-international.org/av/v_unity_sf2001.htm Unity], (2001)

*The United Nations is, of course, the forum in which the voice of the smaller nations can be raised and heard. This is only possible when the Security Council, with its arbitrary veto, is abolished. It has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto. Then will we see the nations acting without restraints imposed by Great Power veto and financial inducement. Those who call loudest for democracy in foreign lands are strangely blind to its absence in the halls of the United Nations. Men must come to realize that the people of all the nations are one and equal, dependent each upon the other. No one nation owns, nor can rule, the world. No one nation can stand alone against the rest. The days of empire and dominion are past. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]]   [http://www.share-international.org/master/2018/ma-2018_05.htm The Brotherhood of Man], Share International Magazine (May 2018, first published October 2005)

*The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together...We see the limitations of the United Nations, but the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields - the economic, the ecological, the medical, and the social field - tremendous work of reconstruction and reorganisation. One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether  new in world affairs...
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) as quoted in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2014/2014-09.htm Share International Magazine] (September 2014)

===D===
*The United Nations Organization is charged with positive tasks. That at least gives it a chance to be potent in the world. Whether the chance is realized will depend primarily upon the General Assembly. The role of the Security Council is predominantly negative. Its task is to stop the nations from public brawling. But it has no mandate to change the conditions which make brawls likely.&lt;BR&gt;By contrast, the General Assembly, directly or through its Economic and Social Council, is charged: to promote international cooperation in economic, social, cultural, educational and health fields; to assist in the realization of human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without distinction as to race, sex, language or religion and, in this connection, to establish a Commission on Human Rights; to promote higher standards of living, full employment and conditions of economic and social progress and development...assuming the role of a &quot;town meeting of the world,&quot; where public opinion is focused as an effective force.
**[[John Foster Dulles]] in [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/1945-10-01/united-nations-prospectus ''The United Nations: a Prospectus''] ''Foreign Affairs'' (October 1945) 
* The United Nations represents not a final stage in the development of world order, but only a primitive stage.  Therefore its primary task is to create the conditions which will make possible a more highly developed organization.
** [[John Foster Dulles]] in &lt;i&gt;War on Peace&lt;/i&gt; (1949).

===G===
* When it comes with [United Nations] Security Council my opininion is very clear, from now on, I do not accept the Security Council as up now. I call on all nations to stop recognizing the Security Council as up now. Its existence is illegal, unacceptable, and non-democratic. We will not attend its sessions, we will not recognize it at all. I call upon the world to stop recognizing the Security Council from now on in its current form, it is useless! 65 wars have happened and the Security Council did not deter the aggressions, what is the Security Council? it is the tool in the hands of major powers using it to serve their exclusive interests.
**[[Muammar Gaddafi]] ''Talk to Al-Jazeera'' (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

===H===
* It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. I shall remain in my post during the term of my office as a servant of the Organization in the interests of all those other nations, as long as they wish me to do so.
** [[Dag Hammarskjold]], statement to the General Assembly of the United Nations (October 3, 1960); in ''Official Records of the United Nations, General Assembly'', vol. 1, p. 332.

* I have so much respect for the [[United Nations|U.N.]] in the field, that [[humanitarian]] aid workers, the [[human rights]] officials. And what frustrates me a great deal is the intergovernmental discussions where the states themselves are often unable to arrive at a conclusion, where the discussions are often rather thoughtless, banal and sometimes too formulaic. And I think the world's people deserve better, and they deserve a political class around the world that is really solving the problems of the planet.
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview with[[NPR]]: [https://www.npr.org/2018/09/18/649274524/former-u-n-rights-human-rights-chief-outlines-the-state-of-the-geopolitical-clim ''Former U.N. Human Rights Chief Outlines The State Of The Geopolitical Climate, All Things Considered,''] (18 September 2018)

*[Question: What surprised him most about his U.N. post?] I think I knew there would be strong [[wikt:pushback|pushback]] from governments, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of human [[wikt:suffering|suffering]], the feeling of [[wikt:inadequacy|inadequacy]]. I could give speeches, do reports and press conferences, but it was not equal to the need to [[wikt:alleviate|alleviate]] the suffering... You see the severest [[w:degradation|degradation]]. Bombs hit schools, hospitals, marketplaces, and law seems not to matter at all. All [[International law|rules of war]] were cast aside...   It seems President Trump is drawn by [[authoritarian]] leadership that shows little respect for [[human rights]]. This feeds the perspective that the U.S. doesn’t care. When he attacks the U.S. media as ‘enemies of the people,’ two days later [an autocrat like] Cambodia’s Hun Sen uses the same language... It’s not like we gave a pass to the Obama administration, but we were able to talk to the U.S. administration under Obama. This doesn’t apply to the Trump administration. 
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview: [https://www.philly.com/opinion/zeid-raad-alhussein-trump-un-high-commissioner-human-rights-syria-yemen-russia-20190328.html ''Former UN human rights chief on Trump, populism, and complacency toward war crimes, Philly.com'' Trudy Rubin]  (28 March 2019)

===K===
*For the UN is rightly criticized for being anachronistic, for reflecting the old world that is drifting away into the past. Particularly we, the Polish people, and all the nations of Central and Eastern Europe find it difficult to forget about that. The UN idea dates back to 1943; to the meeting of the &quot;Big Three&quot; in Tehran; to the illusions that Roosevelt harbored about Stalin, benevolently nicknamed &quot;Uncle Joe&quot;. As a result, the road to San Francisco led via Yalta. And even though Poland had made a major contribution to the victory which put an end to the Second World War, in June 1945 a representative of our country was not allowed to put his signature to the United Nations Charter. We remember that event when Artur Rubinstein, seeing that there was no Polish delegation at the concert to mark the signing of the Charter, decided to play the Dąbrowski Mazurka, Poland's national anthem, to demonstrate that &quot;Poland was not lost yet&quot;, that Poland lived on. I am recalling this because I had a very touching moment a few days ago in the same San Francisco opera house, to which I was invited for the opening of the season. This time it was the orchestra that played the &quot;Dąbrowski Mazurka&quot;, and at that moment the memories of the great Artur Rubinstein and his performance came back with full force and it was very touching indeed for me. The UN is rooted in the Second World War and in the post-war situation; it reflects the balance of power of that era.
**[[w:Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander Kwaśniewski]], [http://www.president.pl/en/archive/news-archive/news-2005/art,36,participation-of-the-president-of-the-republic-of-poland-in-an-academic-conference-the-united-nations-an-.html &quot;The United Nations: an Assessment and Prospects&quot;] (2005)

===L===
*How can a beret coloured blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from [[Sweden]], [[Canada]] or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the [[racism]] and paternalism of people whose only vision of [[Africa]] is lion hunting, [[slave]] markets and [[Colonialism|colonial conquest]]; people for whom the history of civilisation is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they understand the [[Belgium|Belgians]]. They have the same past, the same [[history]], the same lust for our [[wealth]].
**[[Patrice Lumumba]], quoted in ''The Assassination of Lumumba'', on UN forces siding with Belgium (the outgoing colonizers of [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|the Congo]])

===M===
*The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]].  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. It is for this reason that I believe NATO should be abolished and that steps be taken towards disarmament through non-violent action and civil resistance.
**[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',]  (14 October 2014)

* The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action.
** [[Robert McNamara]], U.S. Secretary of Defense, address before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, Montreal, Canada (May 19, 1966), ''Congressional Record'' (May 19, 1966), vol. 112, p. 11114.

===O===
* And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium].
* Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. I trust that mankind will succeed in halting and reversing the course towards the precipice.
** [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]], Polish Minister for Foreign Affairs, stated in a letter dated May 9, 1985.

===P===
* I hope the United Nations will ever remain the supreme forum of peace and justice, the authentic seat of freedom.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], October 1979, addressed the UN General Assembly.

*How many people outside China are aware of the responsible way China acts internationally? Take the [[UN]] for example.  According to the respected journalist [[Fareed Zakaria]], writing in this month’s ''Foreign Affairs'', “Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms”.   This is a very different China than the one projected by many Western politicians and journalists. Usually, China is reported as being an impediment at the [[w:United Nations Security Council|Security Council]], using its veto fast and furiously.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']],       (March 5, 2020)

===R===
*Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The UN is our greatest hope for future peace. Alone we cannot keep the peace of the world, but in cooperation with others we have to achieve this much longed-for security.”
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
* We have been determined . . . to so organize the peace-loving nations that they may through unity of desire, unity of will, and unity of strength be in position to assure that no other would-be aggressor or conqueror shall even get started. That is why from the very beginning of the [[war]], and paralleling our military plans, we have begun to lay the foundations for the general organization for the maintenance of [[peace]] and [[security]].
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]],  Quoted (1944) in''Peace and Security—The Hope'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'', (1 October 1985)
*The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation...it must be a peace which rests on the cooperative effort of the whole world.&quot;
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] as quoted [https://www.nps.gov/frde/learn/photosmultimedia/quotations.htm   Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial] NPS.gov (1 March 1945)
*We pay tribute to the soldiers and fliers and seamen of others of the United Nations whose countries have been overrun by Axis hordes.  As a result of the Allied occupation of North Africa, powerful units of the French Army and Navy are going into action. They are in action with the United Nations forces. We welcome them as allies and as friends. They join with those Frenchmen who, since the dark days of June, 1940, have been fighting valiantly... &lt;BR&gt;We pay tribute to the fighting leaders of our allies, to Winston Churchill, to Joseph Stalin, and to the Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek. Yes, there is a very great unanimity between the leaders of the United Nations... &lt;BR&gt;I cannot tell you when or where the United Nations are going to strike next in Europe. But we are going to strike--and strike hard. I cannot tell you whether we are going to hit them in Norway... through Poland--or at several points simultaneously. But I can tell you that no matter where and when we strike by land, we and the British and the Russians will hit them from the air heavily and relentlessly...&lt;BR&gt;Hitler and Mussolini will understand now the enormity of their miscalculations--that the Nazis would always have the advantage of superior air power...That superiority has gone--forever.&lt;BR&gt;Yes, the Nazis and the Fascists have asked for it--and they are going to get it.
**Franklin Delano Roosevelt in [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/state-of-the-union-1943.php State of the Union Address 1943] University of Groningen, NL (7 January 1943) 

===S===
*The idea that the UN system could provide real leadership on the great development challenges will strain credulity in some quarters. 
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]] in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-BjuAAAAMAAJ The Economist, Volume 365, Issues 8293-8296]'', The Economist Newspaper Ltd., 2002, p. 200

*So, yes, we have a global food system, but we need a different system. That different system must be based on the principle of universal human dignity in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]], the principle of national sovereignty in the [[UN Charter]], and the economic rights in the Universal Declaration and the [[W:International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights|International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights]]. In the Universal Declaration, all governments agreed that social protection is a human right, not merely a “nice thing,” or a pleasant thing, but a basic human right. That was 73 years ago. The Sustainable Development Goals are our generation’s pledge to honor the Universal Declaration of Human Rights...
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*We need the United Nations as the core and central institution of our world.  The only way we’re going to have a peaceful, civilized world is through a strong UN.  It’s absurd that the UN core budget is a mere $3 billion per year, when New York City’s budget is around $100 billion.  We chronically underfund the UN system and then ask, “Why don’t things work well?”   
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*It was a question of: “All right, what now?” And I didn’t really have an idea... I talked with lawyers that were introduced to me by the journalists — human rights lawyers — and tried to plan my next stage....I talked to the United Nations. And ultimately, the United Nations came back and went...&quot;...the U.S. has enormous sway in our organization. They pay an enormous amount of our budget. And the U.S. gets what the U.S. wants. We probably can’t help you...”
**[[Edward Snowden]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/9/30/whistleblower_edward_snowden_permanent_record_nsa &quot;Snowden Reveals How He Secretly Exposed NSA Criminal Wrongdoing Without Getting Arrested&quot;,] ''DemocracyNow!'', (September 30, 2019)

* As far as I've ever heard, the U. N. hasn’t meant anything to anyone for years, except an idealistic, sappy idea that got taken over by Third Worlders and went broke.
** [[Norman Spinrad]], ''A Thing of Beauty'' in ''[[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog]]'' (January 1973), p. 74
June 1980), p. 169

* Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, defining diplomatic life, in Herbert J. Muller, ''Adlai Stevenson'' (1967), p. 274.

===T===
* [[w:Marshall Plan|Our support of European recovery]] is in full accord with our support of the United Nations. The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=12805 Harry S. Truman: &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Marshall Plan.,&quot; December 19, 1947. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]
* The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics to which this country is dedicated.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe,&quot; March 17, 1948. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

===W===
* You must not expect the United Nations to accomplish [[miracle]]s. We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish.
** [[Kurt Waldheim]], quoted in the article ''The United Nations—How Strong a World Force?'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, September 15, 1974.
* I am convinced that the United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet.
** That conviction was expressed by former Secretary-General [[Kurt Waldheim]] in his book ''The Challenge of Peace''. While admitting the UN’s shortcomings, he also explained: &quot;One should realize that the United Nations is, after all, the world in microcosm. Its weaknesses must consequently be ascribed primarily to the contradictions that characterize the world community itself&quot;; and &quot;I should point out that it [the UN] is no more than a mirror of the world it serves. That [[world]] is a conglomerate of extremely varied, often intractable, passionate, and antagonistic [[nation]]s&quot;.

===Z===
[[File:United Nations Security Council.jpg|thumb|It is useless! 65 wars have happened and the [United Nations] [[W:UNSC|Security Council]] did not deter the aggressions. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]]]]

* Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms.   
**[[Fareed Zakaria]], quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']], (March 5, 2020)

* I believe the United Nations has been gradually weakened since the end of the Cold War, despite the fact that important initiatives have been passed recently. In 1954, UN officials realized that the world needed to share its resources better, and that it was unfair that some countries were so poor and others so wealthy. Back then, the first most important programme was created: the [[w:United Nations Development Program|United Nations Development Program (UNDP)]]. Suddenly, the international community realized that sharing was the key.  And what’s the best course of action for sharing? Development. &lt;BR&gt;Then came a long debate over how to develop all countries to the same level, and whether political, educational and cultural developments were necessary for economic development. This is what we now call ‘integral development’. But then another notion emerged which is even more important: ‘endogenous development’, helping countries to help themselves. This is ‘capacity building’, but at present we are not doing this at all; if we were, every rich country would give 0.7 per cent of its GDP [Gross Domestic Product]. &lt;BR&gt; A third big step in the field of development came with the notion of ‘sustainability’. Gro Harlem Brundtland was the first to say that development is useless if we exhaust natural resources. Therefore, every resource we use must be replenished in equal proportion. It goes without saying that we are not taking any of these three basic and commonsense steps in development. We are not bringing about development with a human face...
**[[w:Federico Mayor Zaragoza|Federico Mayor Zaragoza]] in   [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2007/oct_07.htm#correspondents ''The true soul of the United Nations, Interview with  Federico Mayor Zaragoza, Share International,''] (October 2007)

===''The Crime of Silence'' by Federico Major Zaragoza(2011) ===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.fund-culturadepaz.org/doc/The_Crime_of_Silence_FM.pdf  Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* The time has come to replace groups of [[plutocrats]] (created by [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister Thatcher]] that have proved to be totally useless) by a strong United Nations, endowed with the personal, technical and financial resources that would enable it to fulfill its noble mission (of ensuring international security; guaranteeing democratic principles; freedom of expression and access to accurate information; of coordinated action to reduce the impact of natural and man-made catastrophes; protecting the environment; providing appropriately applied guidelines for social and economic development)... p. 4 &amp; 5

* International trusts operate with absolute impunity, due to the United Nations not being strong enough to impose the authority that could benefit each and everyone, the oil tankers from different countries –who nonetheless sail under the same two or three ―flags – continue to pollute the sea, and the lawbreakers –such as the ones who traffic in weapons, drugs and human beings and who seek shelter in tax heavens to escape from their responsibilities– cannot be either arrested or taken before the courts.  p. 11

* News of important events that might make us reflect and adopt our own decisions and attitudes (and this is precisely what education is all about) are concealed, distorted or otherwise disguised. The meetings of the [[w:Group of Eight|G8]] (a group of plutocrats who attempt to govern the world) fill pages upon pages, while proposals for reform made by the United Nations as a whole or by its financial institutions (managed by the President of the [[w: United Nations General Assembly|General Assembly]] with the participation of [[w: List of Nobel Memorial Prize laureates in Economics|Nobel Prize Laureates in Economics]]) receive only a few  paragraphs. The same may be said of worldwide meetings such as the recent  [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]] World Conference on Higher Education (not even a line!) or with respect to the topic that for me (and for that reason I reiterate this) constitutes our greatest problem of conscience: the [[w: extreme poverty|extreme poverty and hunger]], which, in a horrendous [[genocide]], results in the death of 60,000 persons daily, while we invest over 2500 million euros in useless weapons.  p. 13/14

* '''Can The World Be Fixed?'''&lt;BR&gt; 1) If [[democracy]] is consolidated and political leaders take the reins instead of bowing to pressure from [[w: Financial institution|financial institutions]], and replace our present [[w:speculation|speculation]]-based economy with a [[w:knowledge economy|knowledge-based economy]]. &lt;BR&gt; 2) If investment in [[w:military spending|weapons and military spending]] is reduced and more money is devoted to global [[w:sustainable development|sustainable development]], significantly increasing the number of people who benefit from progress.&lt;BR&gt; 3) If [[w:tax haven|tax havens]] are decisively closed down and [[w:alternative financing|alternative financing]] measures are put into place, such as fees for electronic transactions. &lt;BR&gt; 4) If, for once and for all, the plutocratic [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8, [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]... factions imposed by the ―globalizers&quot; are dissolved and the United Nations is reinforced and endowed with the means for fulfilling its worldwide security missions, enforcing [[international law]], including the [[World Trade Organization]] and ensuring that the [[w:World Bank|World Bank]] and [[w:International Monetary Fund|International Monetary Fund]] carry out the goals for which they were founded, with rapid deployment of [[w:Blue Helmets|UN Blue Helmets]], rather than remaining as passive witnesses to [[genocide]] and [[Crimes against humanity|massive human rights violations]]... &lt;BR&gt; 5) If it is decided overnight that drugs are worthless and are made universally available at reasonable prices, as is the case with alcohol and tobacco. [[w:Drug liberalization|This ―legalization]] would be accompanied, as warranted, by a  campaign in the [[w:communications media|communications media]], educational institutions, etc. to discourage drug use and [encourage] clinical treatment to cure addiction. &lt;BR&gt;6) If citizens the world over, aware of the [[w:activism|power of distance participation]], cease to be resigned ―receivers and turn to [[action]]. &lt;BR&gt;'''The world can be fixed.'''   p.&amp;nbsp;21. 

* The United Nations have been reduced to an international [[w:humanitarian aid|humanitarian agency]] and an institutional refuge of convenience, conferring real power to groups of the world’s wealthiest nations (G6, [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8.... [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]). Since the 1980s when values ([[social justice]], [[equity]], [[solidarity]] …) were replaced by the [[W:market economy|rules of the market]] and [[Democracy|the ―democracy]]  that the UN represented was replaced by [[plutocracy]], it became clear that [[Inequality|inequalities]] would increase, production would be outsourced, [[w:tax havens|tax havens]] would overflow instead of being shut down once and for all, supranational [[w:Smuggling|trafficking (drugs, arms, people)]] would go unpunished, financial transactions would remain unregulated…  p.&amp;nbsp;23/24.

== See also ==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Charter of the United Nations]]
*[[Compassion]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Food]]
*[[Global warming|Global warming crisis]]
*[[Health care|Healthcare]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Hunger]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Poverty]]
*[[Sharing]]
*[[home|Shelter]]
*[[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]
*[[Rule of law]]
*[[Youth activism]]
*[[Unity]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]
*[[World peace]]
*[[World view]]

== External links ==
* [http://www.un.org U.N. homepage]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20150602005106/http://www.unv.org/ United Nations Volunteers]
* [http://research.un.org/en/docs United Nations Documentation Research Guide]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5O114-PQNYkurlTg6hekZw Official YouTube channel] (in English)

==Wikipedia articles and lists==
* [[w:List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations|List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations]]
* [[w:Model United Nations|Model United Nations]]
* [[w:United Nations in popular culture|United Nations in popular culture]]
* [[w:United Nations television film series|United Nations television film series]]
* [[w:World Summit on the Information Society|World Summit on the Information Society]]

[[Category:United Nations| ]]
[[Category: Themes]]
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[[File:Emblem of the United Nations.svg|thumb| We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish. &lt;/br&gt; [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]
The [[w:United Nations|'''United Nations''']] ('''UN''') is an [[w:intergovernmental organization|intergovernmental organization]] to promote international co-operation. A replacement for the ineffective [[w:League of Nations|League of Nations]], the organization was  established on 24 October 1945 after [[World War II]] in order to prevent another such conflict. At its founding, the UN had 51 [[w:Member states of the United Nations|member states]]; there are now 193. The [[w:headquarters of the United Nations|headquarters of the United Nations]] is in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]], [[New York City|New York]], and experiences [[w:extraterritoriality|extraterritoriality]]. Further main offices are situated in [[w:United Nations Office at Geneva|Geneva]], [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|Nairobi]] and [[w:United Nations Office at Vienna|Vienna]]. The organization is financed by assessed and voluntary contributions from its member states. Its objectives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment, and providing humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== Quotes ==
=== Preamble to the United Nations Charter ===
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|World War II poster from the United States on the United Nations - Preamble to the Charter of the United Nations]]
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:United Nations (Member States and Territories).svg|thumb|United Nations Members]]

The Preamble to the treaty reads as follows:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
; WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
* to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and 
* to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and 
* to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and 
* to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, 
; AND FOR THESE ENDS
* to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and 
* to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and 
* to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and 
* to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,
; HAVE RESOLVED TO COMBINE OUR EFFORTS TO ACCOMPLISH THESE AIMS.
Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|right|There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. ~ [[Ralph Bunche]]]]

[[File:Ali Khamenei and Bashar al-Assad05.jpg|thumb|right|Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]]
[[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|right|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Passenger Disembarking from Ship at Ashdod Port (1).jpg|thumb|[[European Union|The European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for peaceful settlements of conflict, are now one of the most important war assets of the U.S./[[NATO]] front.  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on.  ~[[Mairead Maguire]] ]]
[[File:Small Flag of the United Nations ZP.svg|thumb|It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjold]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Headquarters in New York City, view from Roosevelt Island.jpg|thumb|The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action. ~ [[Robert McNamara]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. ~ [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]] ]]
===Charter of the United Nations, Chapter I: Purposes And Principles===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
====Article 1====
The Purposes of the United Nations are 
# To maintain international peace  and security, to take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace, and for the suppression of acts of aggression or other breaches of the peace, and to bring about by peaceful means, and in conformity with the principles of justice and international law, adjustment or settlement of international disputes or situations which might lead to a breach of the peace;
# To develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights  and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace;
# To achieve international co-operation in solving international problems of an economic, social, cultural, or [w:international humanitarian law|humanitarian]] character, and in promoting and encouraging respect for human rights and for fundamental freedoms  for all without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion; and
# To be a centre for harmonizing the actions of nations in the attainment of these common ends.
 
===United Nations ''Message for the new millennium'' by Secretary General [[Kofi Annan]]  (30 December 1999)===
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/millennium/584374.stm (text of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's Message for the New Millennium)]

*More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. And that, my friends, is why we have the United Nations.&lt;BR&gt; Through the United Nations, we are working together to preserve peace; to outlaw weapons that kill and maim indiscriminately; to bring mass murderers and war criminals to justice. Through the United Nations, we are working together to defeat Aids and other epidemics; to control climate change; to make clean air and water available to everyone. Through the United Nations, we are working together to ensure that the global market benefits all of us, allowing the poor to lift themselves out of poverty.  

*Through the United Nations, we are working together to make human rights a reality for everyone - to give all human beings real choices in life, and a real say in decisions that affect their lives. In all these areas and more, the United Nations is working for you. But it can do little without you. After all, it belongs to you, the peoples of the world. And therefore it can work much better with your help and your ideas.&lt;BR&gt;My friends, the new millennium need not be a time of fear or anxiety. If we work together and have faith in our own abilities, it can be a time of hope and opportunity. It's up to us to make it so.
 
*My friends, our challenge today is not to save Western civilization — or Eastern, for that matter. All civilization is at stake, and we can save it only if all peoples join together in the task. You Americans did so much, in the last century, to build an effective multilateral system, with the United Nations at its heart. Do you need it less today, and does it need you less, than 60 years ago? Surely not. More than ever today, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system through which the world’s peoples can face global challenges together. And in order to function more effectively, the system still cries out for far-sighted American leadership, in the Truman tradition. I hope and pray that the American leaders of today, and tomorrow, will provide it.
 
*Eradication of extreme poverty has been identified as a priority, and specific targets have been set for prescribed measures. Many said the potential benefits of globalization are understood but people have yet to feel them. It is agreed that part of the solution lies in sovereign States giving priority to the needs of their people, especially the poorest. States, however, must work with the private sector and civil society to solve the problems of globalization. A more equitable world economy has been called for, one where those who have more do more for those who have less. 
 
==Quotes about== 
===A===

*It may be said that the actual birth of World Government coincided with the formation of the United Nations Organization, and with the desperate wish to invest it with real authority. So the embryonic World Government is potentially already there, founded essentially upon the heritage of the League of Nations. What shape it eventually takes, whether it becomes an enlargement of former tyrannies, or whether in fact it will prove to be the instrument by means of which we shall produce our promised Golden Age, depends upon ourselves, the people.  Only by appreciating possibilities shall we know for what to strive. In this respect we are not in such an inferior position to the experts as we might think, because we are  living in a time of transition, when everything is going to be so different that the experts are possibly more handicapped by their traditional time-worn knowledge than are we, untrained and with minds empty of red tape and  orthodoxy. It is possible that the truths and values of the coming new world conditions will be more easily and correctly apprehended by the man in the street to-day than by the tired politicians and economists.  p. 23-24
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*The voice of humanity, as expressed by its greatest leaders is now declaring these things. The United Nations are beginning to back up these standards and ideal. They are being translated into action with the general consent of the people, and without arousing consternation, query or protest. As a whole the people are ready to go forward into this new outlook. Naturally, there exist large and powerful anti-progress elements in the community, the tenacious profiteers of all kinds, but they have had to recognize that they cannot outwardly protest — they are up against the strong tide of the peoples’ will-to-good, and can only work underground. So that we can really say that the revolutionary principles declared by the Atlantic Charter and  Lend-lease have been ‘carried unanimously’ as it were.  156-157 
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*We cannot say just because the United Nations...Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. So, it's about evidences and documents, whenever they have we can discuss it just to discuss the report that we don't see in reality related to it. It is just a waste of time[...]for one reason, they haven't implemented, they never implemented any of the resolutions that related to the Arab world for example the Palestinians to the Syrian land. Why don't they, if they talk about human rights, what about the Palestinians suffering in the occupied territory? what about my land...my people? that leave their land because it's occupied by Israel...
**[[Bashar al-Assad]], ''Interview with Barbara Walters'' (December 2011) ABC News

*Eagerly, musician, Sweep your string, So we may sing, Elated, optative,&lt;br&gt;Our several voices Interblending, Playfully contending, Not interfering&lt;br&gt;But co-inhering, For all within The cincture of the sound Is holy ground,&lt;br&gt;Where all are Brothers, None faceless Others.&lt;br&gt;Let mortals beware Of words, for With words we lie, &lt;BR&gt;Can say peace When we mean war,&lt;br&gt;Foul thought speak fair And promise falsely, But song is true:&lt;BR&gt; Let music for peace Be the paradigm, For peace means to change&lt;br&gt;At the right time, As the World Clock, Goes Tick and Tock.&lt;br&gt;So may the story Of our human city Presently move Like music,&lt;br&gt;when Begotten notes New notes beget,&lt;BR&gt; Making the flowing Of time a growing,Till what it could be, At last it is,&lt;br&gt;Where even sadness Is a form of gladness,&lt;br&gt;Where Fate is Freedom,Grace and Surprise.
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;Hymn to the United Nations&quot;, music by Pablo Casals; reported in ''The New York Times'' (October 25, 1971), p. 40.

===B===
*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the United Nations at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*The true problem of the United Nations is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]].
*There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as &quot;talking and bargaining points&quot;. The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from politics and from capitalism...
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the capitalism of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of imperialism; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western idealism.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency.
*What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that &quot;hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love&quot;. This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations.
*The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*At least 70 countries have signed on to the March 23 call by UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] for a worldwide ceasefire during the Covid-19 pandemic. Like non-essential business and spectator sports, [[war]] is a luxury that the Secretary General says we must manage without for a while.  After U.S. leaders have told Americans for years that war is a necessary evil or even a solution to many of our problems, Mr. Guterres is reminding us that war is really the most nonessential [[evil]] and an indulgence that the world cannot afford – especially during a pandemic.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and  [[W:Nicolas J. S. Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]] , in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

*The [[António Guterres|UN Secretary General]] and the [[European Union]] have also both called for a suspension of the [[Economic sanctions|economic warfare]] that the US wages against other countries through unilateral coercive [[sanctions]]. Countries under unilateral US sanctions include [[Cuba]], [[Iran]], [[Venezuela]], [[Nicaragua]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]], [[Sudan]], [[Syria]] and [[Zimbabwe]].&lt;BR&gt;In his update on April 3rd, Guterres showed that he was taking his ceasefire call seriously, insisting on actual ceasefires, not just feel-good declarations. &quot;…There is a huge distance between declarations and deeds,&quot; Guterres said. His original plea to &quot;put armed conflict on lockdown&quot; explicitly called on warring parties everywhere to &quot;silence the guns, stop the artillery, end the airstrikes,&quot; not just to say that they would like to, or that they’ll consider it if their enemies do it first.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

* Since the creation of the United Nations in 1945, over 100 major conflicts around the world have left some 20 million dead.
** [[Boutros Boutros-Ghali]] in a speech in 1992. Cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 9/8; article: ''How Was the World 50 Years Ago?''

* Memos about the sexual abuse in the Central African Republic were &quot;passed from desk to desk, inbox to inbox, across multiple UN offices, with no one willing to take responsibility&quot;, the report found. It added: &quot;The welfare of the victims and the accountability of the perpetrators appeared to be an afterthought, if considered at all.&quot; The investigation revealed that French peacekeepers from the UN's children agency, UNICEF, failed to act on reports of sexual abuse in early 2014 in the midst of civil war. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon expressed &quot;profound regret that these children were betrayed by the very people sent to protect them&quot; and said he accepted the panel's broad findings. No one has been arrested more than a year and a half after UN authorities were made aware of the sexual abuse allegations. Four French soldiers were questioned last week and released without charge. It took almost a year for UN staff to respond to allegations of rape by six children. One child reported he had been &quot;orally and anally raped.&quot;
** Jonathan Bucks, [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp Starving children 'as young as NINE forced to give UN officials oral sex to get food'], ''Express'', 18 December 2015

* To make peace in the world secure, the United Nations must have readily at its disposal, as a result of firm commitments undertaken by all of its members, military strength of sufficient dimensions to make it certain that it can meet aggressive military force with international military force, speedily and conclusively. If that kind of strength is made available to the United Nations [...] in my view that strength will never again be challenged in war and therefore need never be employed. But military strength will not be enough. The moral position of the United Nations must ever be strong and unassailable; it must stand steadfastly, always, for the right.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means. The United Nations - in Indonesia, Palestine, and Kashmir - has demonstrated convincingly that parties to the most severe conflict may be induced to abandon war as the method of settlement in favour of mediation and conciliation, at a merciful saving of untold lives and acute suffering. Unfortunately, there may yet be some in the world who have not learned that today war can settle nothing, that aggressive force can never be enough, nor will it be tolerated. If this should be so, the pitiless wrath of the organized world must fall upon those who would endanger the peace for selfish ends. For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

*There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. At times, perhaps, it has done so, but never to its own advantage nor to that of the sacred causes of peace and freedom. If the peoples of the world are strong in their resolve and if they speak through the United Nations, they need never be confronted with the tragic alternatives of war or dishonourable appeasement, death, or enslavement.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]
[[File:UN_Security_Council.jpg|thumb|The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means... For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
~[[Ralph Bunche]]]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together... the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields...One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether new in world affairs... The Security Council, with its arbitrary veto... has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto... The days of empire and dominion are past. ~[[Benjamin Creme]]]]
* It is worthy of emphasis that the United Nations exists not merely to preserve the peace but also to make change - even radical change - possible without violent upheaval. The United Nations has no vested interest in the status quo. It seeks a more secure world, a better world, a world of progress for all peoples. In the dynamic world society which is the objective of the United Nations, all peoples must have equality and equal rights. The rights of those who at any given time may be in the minority - whether for reasons of race, religion, or ideology - are as important as those of the majority, and the minorities must enjoy the same respect and protection. The United Nations does not seek a world cut after a single pattern, nor does it consider this desirable. The United Nations seeks only unity, not uniformity, out of the world's diversity.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* For the first time since [[World War II]] the [[international community]] is united. The leadership of the United Nations, once only a hoped-for ideal, is now confirming its founders’ vision. . . . The world can therefore seize this opportunity to fulfill the long-held promise of a new world order.
** [[George H. W. Bush]], the President of the United States in his State of the Union message to that nation, January 29, 1991.
[[File:&quot;WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS&quot; - NARA - 516086.jpg|thumb|The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNchangedcolorBLUE.png|thumb|The United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet. ~ [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]

===C===
*[[War]]! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the [[war]], but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end [[war]]s, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] - about as much as we need an ear infection... Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
**[[Pat Condell]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch?v=8bzTA_D5NpU Free speech is sacred] ([[17 March]], 2009; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])
 
*'''The UN will become the major debating chamber of the world. All world problems will be debated there and resolutions passed which will implement the new system.''' An entirely new UN agency will be set up specifically to oversee the process of sharing the world's resources. But I must emphasize that we have free will; nothing will be forced on humanity. When humanity of its own free will accepts the principle of sharing and asks [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]] and His group of [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], how do we do this, how do we set about sharing, then we will find that the plan is already there.
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  ''Maitreya's Mission Vol. III'' (1997) 

*[[Trust]] will be created by the economic change, the number one change, the answer to all our problems really, the starting part of the answer to all our problems is in the change in the economic redistribution of the world's resources, which... [[Masters of Wisdom|the masters]] written over and over again is the key to all further changes because it creates [[trust]] and when you create trust, all things become possible.  Then you get changes in the political field, changes in the political field make changes in the economic field easier and these make easier changes in the purely practical field of looking after the planet. Then, not only America, but the Europeans, Japan, and some of the more powerful industrialized nations will have to look very seriously at their plans for implementing an agreement like the kyoto agreement but further agreements which will be brought forward and signed by large numbers of groups. In this situation, the United nations will become the key factor. Then it will come into it's own... The world owes the United Nations a tremendous debt. It is one of the great educators of the world. It is one of the great medical sources for millions and millions of people. Health care for groups who have no other means of healthcare... Without the United Nations, which is a triumph of modern society, millions and millions of people would go wanting, even more than they do (now). 
**[[Benjamin Creme]] speaking about [https://share-international.org/av/v_unity_sf2001.htm Unity], (2001)

*The United Nations is, of course, the forum in which the voice of the smaller nations can be raised and heard. This is only possible when the Security Council, with its arbitrary veto, is abolished. It has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto. Then will we see the nations acting without restraints imposed by Great Power veto and financial inducement. Those who call loudest for democracy in foreign lands are strangely blind to its absence in the halls of the United Nations. Men must come to realize that the people of all the nations are one and equal, dependent each upon the other. No one nation owns, nor can rule, the world. No one nation can stand alone against the rest. The days of empire and dominion are past. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]]   [http://www.share-international.org/master/2018/ma-2018_05.htm The Brotherhood of Man], Share International Magazine (May 2018, first published October 2005)

*The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together...We see the limitations of the United Nations, but the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields - the economic, the ecological, the medical, and the social field - tremendous work of reconstruction and reorganisation. One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether  new in world affairs...
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) as quoted in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2014/2014-09.htm Share International Magazine] (September 2014)

===D===
*The United Nations Organization is charged with positive tasks. That at least gives it a chance to be potent in the world. Whether the chance is realized will depend primarily upon the General Assembly. The role of the Security Council is predominantly negative. Its task is to stop the nations from public brawling. But it has no mandate to change the conditions which make brawls likely.&lt;BR&gt;By contrast, the General Assembly, directly or through its Economic and Social Council, is charged: to promote international cooperation in economic, social, cultural, educational and health fields; to assist in the realization of human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without distinction as to race, sex, language or religion and, in this connection, to establish a Commission on Human Rights; to promote higher standards of living, full employment and conditions of economic and social progress and development...assuming the role of a &quot;town meeting of the world,&quot; where public opinion is focused as an effective force.
**[[John Foster Dulles]] in [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/1945-10-01/united-nations-prospectus ''The United Nations: a Prospectus''] ''Foreign Affairs'' (October 1945) 
* The United Nations represents not a final stage in the development of world order, but only a primitive stage.  Therefore its primary task is to create the conditions which will make possible a more highly developed organization.
** [[John Foster Dulles]] in &lt;i&gt;War on Peace&lt;/i&gt; (1949).

===G===
* When it comes with [United Nations] Security Council my opininion is very clear, from now on, I do not accept the Security Council as up now. I call on all nations to stop recognizing the Security Council as up now. Its existence is illegal, unacceptable, and non-democratic. We will not attend its sessions, we will not recognize it at all. I call upon the world to stop recognizing the Security Council from now on in its current form, it is useless! 65 wars have happened and the Security Council did not deter the aggressions, what is the Security Council? it is the tool in the hands of major powers using it to serve their exclusive interests.
**[[Muammar Gaddafi]] ''Talk to Al-Jazeera'' (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

===H===
* It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. I shall remain in my post during the term of my office as a servant of the Organization in the interests of all those other nations, as long as they wish me to do so.
** [[Dag Hammarskjold]], statement to the General Assembly of the United Nations (October 3, 1960); in ''Official Records of the United Nations, General Assembly'', vol. 1, p. 332.

* I have so much respect for the [[United Nations|U.N.]] in the field, that [[humanitarian]] aid workers, the [[human rights]] officials. And what frustrates me a great deal is the intergovernmental discussions where the states themselves are often unable to arrive at a conclusion, where the discussions are often rather thoughtless, banal and sometimes too formulaic. And I think the world's people deserve better, and they deserve a political class around the world that is really solving the problems of the planet.
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview with[[NPR]]: [https://www.npr.org/2018/09/18/649274524/former-u-n-rights-human-rights-chief-outlines-the-state-of-the-geopolitical-clim ''Former U.N. Human Rights Chief Outlines The State Of The Geopolitical Climate, All Things Considered,''] (18 September 2018)

*[Question: What surprised him most about his U.N. post?] I think I knew there would be strong [[wikt:pushback|pushback]] from governments, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of human [[wikt:suffering|suffering]], the feeling of [[wikt:inadequacy|inadequacy]]. I could give speeches, do reports and press conferences, but it was not equal to the need to [[wikt:alleviate|alleviate]] the suffering... You see the severest [[w:degradation|degradation]]. Bombs hit schools, hospitals, marketplaces, and law seems not to matter at all. All [[International law|rules of war]] were cast aside...   It seems President Trump is drawn by [[authoritarian]] leadership that shows little respect for [[human rights]]. This feeds the perspective that the U.S. doesn’t care. When he attacks the U.S. media as ‘enemies of the people,’ two days later [an autocrat like] Cambodia’s Hun Sen uses the same language... It’s not like we gave a pass to the Obama administration, but we were able to talk to the U.S. administration under Obama. This doesn’t apply to the Trump administration. 
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview: [https://www.philly.com/opinion/zeid-raad-alhussein-trump-un-high-commissioner-human-rights-syria-yemen-russia-20190328.html ''Former UN human rights chief on Trump, populism, and complacency toward war crimes, Philly.com'' Trudy Rubin]  (28 March 2019)

===K===
*For the UN is rightly criticized for being anachronistic, for reflecting the old world that is drifting away into the past. Particularly we, the Polish people, and all the nations of Central and Eastern Europe find it difficult to forget about that. The UN idea dates back to 1943; to the meeting of the &quot;Big Three&quot; in Tehran; to the illusions that Roosevelt harbored about Stalin, benevolently nicknamed &quot;Uncle Joe&quot;. As a result, the road to San Francisco led via Yalta. And even though Poland had made a major contribution to the victory which put an end to the Second World War, in June 1945 a representative of our country was not allowed to put his signature to the United Nations Charter. We remember that event when Artur Rubinstein, seeing that there was no Polish delegation at the concert to mark the signing of the Charter, decided to play the Dąbrowski Mazurka, Poland's national anthem, to demonstrate that &quot;Poland was not lost yet&quot;, that Poland lived on. I am recalling this because I had a very touching moment a few days ago in the same San Francisco opera house, to which I was invited for the opening of the season. This time it was the orchestra that played the &quot;Dąbrowski Mazurka&quot;, and at that moment the memories of the great Artur Rubinstein and his performance came back with full force and it was very touching indeed for me. The UN is rooted in the Second World War and in the post-war situation; it reflects the balance of power of that era.
**[[w:Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander Kwaśniewski]], [http://www.president.pl/en/archive/news-archive/news-2005/art,36,participation-of-the-president-of-the-republic-of-poland-in-an-academic-conference-the-united-nations-an-.html &quot;The United Nations: an Assessment and Prospects&quot;] (2005)

===L===
*How can a beret coloured blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from [[Sweden]], [[Canada]] or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the [[racism]] and paternalism of people whose only vision of [[Africa]] is lion hunting, [[slave]] markets and [[Colonialism|colonial conquest]]; people for whom the history of civilisation is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they understand the [[Belgium|Belgians]]. They have the same past, the same [[history]], the same lust for our [[wealth]].
**[[Patrice Lumumba]], quoted in ''The Assassination of Lumumba'', on UN forces siding with Belgium (the outgoing colonizers of [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|the Congo]])

===M===
*The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]].  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. It is for this reason that I believe NATO should be abolished and that steps be taken towards disarmament through non-violent action and civil resistance.
**[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',]  (14 October 2014)

* The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action.
** [[Robert McNamara]], U.S. Secretary of Defense, address before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, Montreal, Canada (May 19, 1966), ''Congressional Record'' (May 19, 1966), vol. 112, p. 11114.

===O===
* And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium].
* Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. I trust that mankind will succeed in halting and reversing the course towards the precipice.
** [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]], Polish Minister for Foreign Affairs, stated in a letter dated May 9, 1985.

===P===
* I hope the United Nations will ever remain the supreme forum of peace and justice, the authentic seat of freedom.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], October 1979, addressed the UN General Assembly.

*How many people outside China are aware of the responsible way China acts internationally? Take the [[UN]] for example.  According to the respected journalist [[Fareed Zakaria]], writing in this month’s ''Foreign Affairs'', “Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms”.   This is a very different China than the one projected by many Western politicians and journalists. Usually, China is reported as being an impediment at the [[w:United Nations Security Council|Security Council]], using its veto fast and furiously.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']],       (March 5, 2020)

===R===
*Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The UN is our greatest hope for future peace. Alone we cannot keep the peace of the world, but in cooperation with others we have to achieve this much longed-for security.”
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
* We have been determined . . . to so organize the peace-loving nations that they may through unity of desire, unity of will, and unity of strength be in position to assure that no other would-be aggressor or conqueror shall even get started. That is why from the very beginning of the [[war]], and paralleling our military plans, we have begun to lay the foundations for the general organization for the maintenance of [[peace]] and [[security]].
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]],  Quoted (1944) in''Peace and Security—The Hope'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'', (1 October 1985)
*The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation...it must be a peace which rests on the cooperative effort of the whole world.&quot;
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] as quoted [https://www.nps.gov/frde/learn/photosmultimedia/quotations.htm   Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial] NPS.gov (1 March 1945)
*We pay tribute to the soldiers and fliers and seamen of others of the United Nations whose countries have been overrun by Axis hordes.  As a result of the Allied occupation of North Africa, powerful units of the French Army and Navy are going into action. They are in action with the United Nations forces. We welcome them as allies and as friends. They join with those Frenchmen who, since the dark days of June, 1940, have been fighting valiantly... &lt;BR&gt;We pay tribute to the fighting leaders of our allies, to Winston Churchill, to Joseph Stalin, and to the Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek. Yes, there is a very great unanimity between the leaders of the United Nations... &lt;BR&gt;I cannot tell you when or where the United Nations are going to strike next in Europe. But we are going to strike--and strike hard. I cannot tell you whether we are going to hit them in Norway... through Poland--or at several points simultaneously. But I can tell you that no matter where and when we strike by land, we and the British and the Russians will hit them from the air heavily and relentlessly...&lt;BR&gt;Hitler and Mussolini will understand now the enormity of their miscalculations--that the Nazis would always have the advantage of superior air power...That superiority has gone--forever.&lt;BR&gt;Yes, the Nazis and the Fascists have asked for it--and they are going to get it.
**Franklin Delano Roosevelt in [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/state-of-the-union-1943.php State of the Union Address 1943] University of Groningen, NL (7 January 1943) 

===S===
*The idea that the UN system could provide real leadership on the great development challenges will strain credulity in some quarters. 
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]] in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-BjuAAAAMAAJ The Economist, Volume 365, Issues 8293-8296]'', The Economist Newspaper Ltd., 2002, p. 200

*So, yes, we have a global food system, but we need a different system. That different system must be based on the principle of universal human dignity in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]], the principle of national sovereignty in the [[UN Charter]], and the economic rights in the Universal Declaration and the [[W:International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights|International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights]]. In the Universal Declaration, all governments agreed that social protection is a human right, not merely a “nice thing,” or a pleasant thing, but a basic human right. That was 73 years ago. The Sustainable Development Goals are our generation’s pledge to honor the Universal Declaration of Human Rights...
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*We need the United Nations as the core and central institution of our world.  The only way we’re going to have a peaceful, civilized world is through a strong UN.  It’s absurd that the UN core budget is a mere $3 billion per year, when New York City’s budget is around $100 billion.  We chronically underfund the UN system and then ask, “Why don’t things work well?”   
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*It was a question of: “All right, what now?” And I didn’t really have an idea... I talked with lawyers that were introduced to me by the journalists — human rights lawyers — and tried to plan my next stage....I talked to the United Nations. And ultimately, the United Nations came back and went...&quot;...the U.S. has enormous sway in our organization. They pay an enormous amount of our budget. And the U.S. gets what the U.S. wants. We probably can’t help you...”
**[[Edward Snowden]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/9/30/whistleblower_edward_snowden_permanent_record_nsa &quot;Snowden Reveals How He Secretly Exposed NSA Criminal Wrongdoing Without Getting Arrested&quot;,] ''DemocracyNow!'' (September 30, 2019)

* As far as I've ever heard, the U. N. hasn’t meant anything to anyone for years, except an idealistic, sappy idea that got taken over by Third Worlders and went broke.
** [[Norman Spinrad]], ''A Thing of Beauty'' in ''[[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog]]'' (January 1973), p. 74

* Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, defining diplomatic life, in Herbert J. Muller, ''Adlai Stevenson'' (1967), p. 274.

===T===
* [[w:Marshall Plan|Our support of European recovery]] is in full accord with our support of the United Nations. The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=12805 Harry S. Truman: &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Marshall Plan.,&quot; December 19, 1947. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]
* The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics to which this country is dedicated.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe,&quot; March 17, 1948. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

===W===
* You must not expect the United Nations to accomplish [[miracle]]s. We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish.
** [[Kurt Waldheim]], quoted in the article ''The United Nations—How Strong a World Force?'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, September 15, 1974.
* I am convinced that the United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet.
** That conviction was expressed by former Secretary-General [[Kurt Waldheim]] in his book ''The Challenge of Peace''. While admitting the UN’s shortcomings, he also explained: &quot;One should realize that the United Nations is, after all, the world in microcosm. Its weaknesses must consequently be ascribed primarily to the contradictions that characterize the world community itself&quot;; and &quot;I should point out that it [the UN] is no more than a mirror of the world it serves. That [[world]] is a conglomerate of extremely varied, often intractable, passionate, and antagonistic [[nation]]s&quot;.

===Z===
[[File:United Nations Security Council.jpg|thumb|It is useless! 65 wars have happened and the [United Nations] [[W:UNSC|Security Council]] did not deter the aggressions. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]]]]

* Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms.   
**[[Fareed Zakaria]], quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']], (March 5, 2020)

* I believe the United Nations has been gradually weakened since the end of the Cold War, despite the fact that important initiatives have been passed recently. In 1954, UN officials realized that the world needed to share its resources better, and that it was unfair that some countries were so poor and others so wealthy. Back then, the first most important programme was created: the [[w:United Nations Development Program|United Nations Development Program (UNDP)]]. Suddenly, the international community realized that sharing was the key.  And what’s the best course of action for sharing? Development. &lt;BR&gt;Then came a long debate over how to develop all countries to the same level, and whether political, educational and cultural developments were necessary for economic development. This is what we now call ‘integral development’. But then another notion emerged which is even more important: ‘endogenous development’, helping countries to help themselves. This is ‘capacity building’, but at present we are not doing this at all; if we were, every rich country would give 0.7 per cent of its GDP [Gross Domestic Product]. &lt;BR&gt; A third big step in the field of development came with the notion of ‘sustainability’. Gro Harlem Brundtland was the first to say that development is useless if we exhaust natural resources. Therefore, every resource we use must be replenished in equal proportion. It goes without saying that we are not taking any of these three basic and commonsense steps in development. We are not bringing about development with a human face...
**[[w:Federico Mayor Zaragoza|Federico Mayor Zaragoza]] in   [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2007/oct_07.htm#correspondents ''The true soul of the United Nations, Interview with  Federico Mayor Zaragoza, Share International,''] (October 2007)

===''The Crime of Silence'' by Federico Major Zaragoza(2011) ===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.fund-culturadepaz.org/doc/The_Crime_of_Silence_FM.pdf  Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* The time has come to replace groups of [[plutocrats]] (created by [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister Thatcher]] that have proved to be totally useless) by a strong United Nations, endowed with the personal, technical and financial resources that would enable it to fulfill its noble mission (of ensuring international security; guaranteeing democratic principles; freedom of expression and access to accurate information; of coordinated action to reduce the impact of natural and man-made catastrophes; protecting the environment; providing appropriately applied guidelines for social and economic development)... p. 4 &amp; 5

* International trusts operate with absolute impunity, due to the United Nations not being strong enough to impose the authority that could benefit each and everyone, the oil tankers from different countries –who nonetheless sail under the same two or three ―flags – continue to pollute the sea, and the lawbreakers –such as the ones who traffic in weapons, drugs and human beings and who seek shelter in tax heavens to escape from their responsibilities– cannot be either arrested or taken before the courts.  p. 11

* News of important events that might make us reflect and adopt our own decisions and attitudes (and this is precisely what education is all about) are concealed, distorted or otherwise disguised. The meetings of the [[w:Group of Eight|G8]] (a group of plutocrats who attempt to govern the world) fill pages upon pages, while proposals for reform made by the United Nations as a whole or by its financial institutions (managed by the President of the [[w: United Nations General Assembly|General Assembly]] with the participation of [[w: List of Nobel Memorial Prize laureates in Economics|Nobel Prize Laureates in Economics]]) receive only a few  paragraphs. The same may be said of worldwide meetings such as the recent  [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]] World Conference on Higher Education (not even a line!) or with respect to the topic that for me (and for that reason I reiterate this) constitutes our greatest problem of conscience: the [[w: extreme poverty|extreme poverty and hunger]], which, in a horrendous [[genocide]], results in the death of 60,000 persons daily, while we invest over 2500 million euros in useless weapons.  p. 13/14

* '''Can The World Be Fixed?'''&lt;BR&gt; 1) If [[democracy]] is consolidated and political leaders take the reins instead of bowing to pressure from [[w: Financial institution|financial institutions]], and replace our present [[w:speculation|speculation]]-based economy with a [[w:knowledge economy|knowledge-based economy]]. &lt;BR&gt; 2) If investment in [[w:military spending|weapons and military spending]] is reduced and more money is devoted to global [[w:sustainable development|sustainable development]], significantly increasing the number of people who benefit from progress.&lt;BR&gt; 3) If [[w:tax haven|tax havens]] are decisively closed down and [[w:alternative financing|alternative financing]] measures are put into place, such as fees for electronic transactions. &lt;BR&gt; 4) If, for once and for all, the plutocratic [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8, [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]... factions imposed by the ―globalizers&quot; are dissolved and the United Nations is reinforced and endowed with the means for fulfilling its worldwide security missions, enforcing [[international law]], including the [[World Trade Organization]] and ensuring that the [[w:World Bank|World Bank]] and [[w:International Monetary Fund|International Monetary Fund]] carry out the goals for which they were founded, with rapid deployment of [[w:Blue Helmets|UN Blue Helmets]], rather than remaining as passive witnesses to [[genocide]] and [[Crimes against humanity|massive human rights violations]]... &lt;BR&gt; 5) If it is decided overnight that drugs are worthless and are made universally available at reasonable prices, as is the case with alcohol and tobacco. [[w:Drug liberalization|This ―legalization]] would be accompanied, as warranted, by a  campaign in the [[w:communications media|communications media]], educational institutions, etc. to discourage drug use and [encourage] clinical treatment to cure addiction. &lt;BR&gt;6) If citizens the world over, aware of the [[w:activism|power of distance participation]], cease to be resigned ―receivers and turn to [[action]]. &lt;BR&gt;'''The world can be fixed.'''   p.&amp;nbsp;21. 

* The United Nations have been reduced to an international [[w:humanitarian aid|humanitarian agency]] and an institutional refuge of convenience, conferring real power to groups of the world’s wealthiest nations (G6, [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8.... [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]). Since the 1980s when values ([[social justice]], [[equity]], [[solidarity]] …) were replaced by the [[W:market economy|rules of the market]] and [[Democracy|the ―democracy]]  that the UN represented was replaced by [[plutocracy]], it became clear that [[Inequality|inequalities]] would increase, production would be outsourced, [[w:tax havens|tax havens]] would overflow instead of being shut down once and for all, supranational [[w:Smuggling|trafficking (drugs, arms, people)]] would go unpunished, financial transactions would remain unregulated…  p.&amp;nbsp;23/24.

== See also ==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Charter of the United Nations]]
*[[Compassion]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Food]]
*[[Global warming|Global warming crisis]]
*[[Health care|Healthcare]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Hunger]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Poverty]]
*[[Sharing]]
*[[home|Shelter]]
*[[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]
*[[Rule of law]]
*[[Youth activism]]
*[[Unity]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]
*[[World peace]]
*[[World view]]

== External links ==
* [http://www.un.org U.N. homepage]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20150602005106/http://www.unv.org/ United Nations Volunteers]
* [http://research.un.org/en/docs United Nations Documentation Research Guide]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5O114-PQNYkurlTg6hekZw Official YouTube channel] (in English)

==Wikipedia articles and lists==
* [[w:List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations|List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations]]
* [[w:Model United Nations|Model United Nations]]
* [[w:United Nations in popular culture|United Nations in popular culture]]
* [[w:United Nations television film series|United Nations television film series]]
* [[w:World Summit on the Information Society|World Summit on the Information Society]]

[[Category:United Nations| ]]
[[Category: Themes]]
[[Category: Politics]]
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[[File:Emblem of the United Nations.svg|thumb| We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish. &lt;/br&gt; [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]
The [[w:United Nations|'''United Nations''']] ('''UN''') is an [[w:intergovernmental organization|intergovernmental organization]] to promote international co-operation. A replacement for the ineffective [[w:League of Nations|League of Nations]], the organization was  established on 24 October 1945 after [[World War II]] in order to prevent another such conflict. At its founding, the UN had 51 [[w:Member states of the United Nations|member states]]; there are now 193. The [[w:headquarters of the United Nations|headquarters of the United Nations]] is in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]], [[New York City|New York]], and experiences [[w:extraterritoriality|extraterritoriality]]. Further main offices are situated in [[w:United Nations Office at Geneva|Geneva]], [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|Nairobi]] and [[w:United Nations Office at Vienna|Vienna]]. The organization is financed by assessed and voluntary contributions from its member states. Its objectives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment, and providing humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== Quotes ==
=== Preamble to the United Nations Charter ===
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|World War II poster from the United States on the United Nations - Preamble to the Charter of the United Nations]]
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:United Nations (Member States and Territories).svg|thumb|United Nations Members]]

The Preamble to the treaty reads as follows:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
; WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
* to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and 
* to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and 
* to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and 
* to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, 
; AND FOR THESE ENDS
* to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and 
* to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and 
* to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and 
* to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,
; HAVE RESOLVED TO COMBINE OUR EFFORTS TO ACCOMPLISH THESE AIMS.
Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|right|There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. ~ [[Ralph Bunche]]]]

[[File:Ali Khamenei and Bashar al-Assad05.jpg|thumb|right|Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]]
[[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|right|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Passenger Disembarking from Ship at Ashdod Port (1).jpg|thumb|[[European Union|The European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for peaceful settlements of conflict, are now one of the most important war assets of the U.S./[[NATO]] front.  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on.  ~[[Mairead Maguire]] ]]
[[File:Small Flag of the United Nations ZP.svg|thumb|It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjold]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Headquarters in New York City, view from Roosevelt Island.jpg|thumb|The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action. ~ [[Robert McNamara]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. ~ [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]] ]]
===Charter of the United Nations, Chapter I: Purposes And Principles===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
====Article 1====
The Purposes of the United Nations are 
# To maintain international peace  and security, to take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace, and for the suppression of acts of aggression or other breaches of the peace, and to bring about by peaceful means, and in conformity with the principles of justice and international law, adjustment or settlement of international disputes or situations which might lead to a breach of the peace;
# To develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights  and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace;
# To achieve international co-operation in solving international problems of an economic, social, cultural, or [w:international humanitarian law|humanitarian]] character, and in promoting and encouraging respect for human rights and for fundamental freedoms  for all without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion; and
# To be a centre for harmonizing the actions of nations in the attainment of these common ends.
 
===United Nations ''Message for the new millennium'' by Secretary General [[Kofi Annan]]  (30 December 1999)===
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/millennium/584374.stm (text of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's Message for the New Millennium)]

*More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. And that, my friends, is why we have the United Nations.&lt;BR&gt; Through the United Nations, we are working together to preserve peace; to outlaw weapons that kill and maim indiscriminately; to bring mass murderers and war criminals to justice. Through the United Nations, we are working together to defeat Aids and other epidemics; to control climate change; to make clean air and water available to everyone. Through the United Nations, we are working together to ensure that the global market benefits all of us, allowing the poor to lift themselves out of poverty.  

*Through the United Nations, we are working together to make human rights a reality for everyone - to give all human beings real choices in life, and a real say in decisions that affect their lives. In all these areas and more, the United Nations is working for you. But it can do little without you. After all, it belongs to you, the peoples of the world. And therefore it can work much better with your help and your ideas.&lt;BR&gt;My friends, the new millennium need not be a time of fear or anxiety. If we work together and have faith in our own abilities, it can be a time of hope and opportunity. It's up to us to make it so.
 
*My friends, our challenge today is not to save Western civilization — or Eastern, for that matter. All civilization is at stake, and we can save it only if all peoples join together in the task. You Americans did so much, in the last century, to build an effective multilateral system, with the United Nations at its heart. Do you need it less today, and does it need you less, than 60 years ago? Surely not. More than ever today, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system through which the world’s peoples can face global challenges together. And in order to function more effectively, the system still cries out for far-sighted American leadership, in the Truman tradition. I hope and pray that the American leaders of today, and tomorrow, will provide it.
 
*Eradication of extreme poverty has been identified as a priority, and specific targets have been set for prescribed measures. Many said the potential benefits of globalization are understood but people have yet to feel them. It is agreed that part of the solution lies in sovereign States giving priority to the needs of their people, especially the poorest. States, however, must work with the private sector and civil society to solve the problems of globalization. A more equitable world economy has been called for, one where those who have more do more for those who have less. 
 
==Quotes about== 
===A===

*It may be said that the actual birth of World Government coincided with the formation of the United Nations Organization, and with the desperate wish to invest it with real authority. So the embryonic World Government is potentially already there, founded essentially upon the heritage of the League of Nations. What shape it eventually takes, whether it becomes an enlargement of former tyrannies, or whether in fact it will prove to be the instrument by means of which we shall produce our promised Golden Age, depends upon ourselves, the people.  Only by appreciating possibilities shall we know for what to strive. In this respect we are not in such an inferior position to the experts as we might think, because we are  living in a time of transition, when everything is going to be so different that the experts are possibly more handicapped by their traditional time-worn knowledge than are we, untrained and with minds empty of red tape and  orthodoxy. It is possible that the truths and values of the coming new world conditions will be more easily and correctly apprehended by the man in the street to-day than by the tired politicians and economists.  p. 23-24
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*The voice of humanity, as expressed by its greatest leaders is now declaring these things. The United Nations are beginning to back up these standards and ideal. They are being translated into action with the general consent of the people, and without arousing consternation, query or protest. As a whole the people are ready to go forward into this new outlook. Naturally, there exist large and powerful anti-progress elements in the community, the tenacious profiteers of all kinds, but they have had to recognize that they cannot outwardly protest — they are up against the strong tide of the peoples’ will-to-good, and can only work underground. So that we can really say that the revolutionary principles declared by the Atlantic Charter and  Lend-lease have been ‘carried unanimously’ as it were.  156-157 
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*We cannot say just because the United Nations...Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. So, it's about evidences and documents, whenever they have we can discuss it just to discuss the report that we don't see in reality related to it. It is just a waste of time[...]for one reason, they haven't implemented, they never implemented any of the resolutions that related to the Arab world for example the Palestinians to the Syrian land. Why don't they, if they talk about human rights, what about the Palestinians suffering in the occupied territory? what about my land...my people? that leave their land because it's occupied by Israel...
**[[Bashar al-Assad]], ''Interview with Barbara Walters'' (December 2011) ABC News

*Eagerly, musician, Sweep your string, So we may sing, Elated, optative,&lt;br&gt;Our several voices Interblending, Playfully contending, Not interfering&lt;br&gt;But co-inhering, For all within The cincture of the sound Is holy ground,&lt;br&gt;Where all are Brothers, None faceless Others.&lt;br&gt;Let mortals beware Of words, for With words we lie, &lt;BR&gt;Can say peace When we mean war,&lt;br&gt;Foul thought speak fair And promise falsely, But song is true:&lt;BR&gt; Let music for peace Be the paradigm, For peace means to change&lt;br&gt;At the right time, As the World Clock, Goes Tick and Tock.&lt;br&gt;So may the story Of our human city Presently move Like music,&lt;br&gt;when Begotten notes New notes beget,&lt;BR&gt; Making the flowing Of time a growing,Till what it could be, At last it is,&lt;br&gt;Where even sadness Is a form of gladness,&lt;br&gt;Where Fate is Freedom,Grace and Surprise.
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;Hymn to the United Nations&quot;, music by Pablo Casals; reported in ''The New York Times'' (October 25, 1971), p. 40.

===B===
*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the United Nations at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*The true problem of the United Nations is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]].
*There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as &quot;talking and bargaining points&quot;. The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from politics and from capitalism...
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the capitalism of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of imperialism; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western idealism.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency.
*What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that &quot;hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love&quot;. This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations.
*The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*At least 70 countries have signed on to the March 23 call by UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] for a worldwide ceasefire during the Covid-19 pandemic. Like non-essential business and spectator sports, [[war]] is a luxury that the Secretary General says we must manage without for a while.  After U.S. leaders have told Americans for years that war is a necessary evil or even a solution to many of our problems, Mr. Guterres is reminding us that war is really the most nonessential [[evil]] and an indulgence that the world cannot afford – especially during a pandemic.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and  [[W:Nicolas J. S. Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]] , in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

*The [[António Guterres|UN Secretary General]] and the [[European Union]] have also both called for a suspension of the [[Economic sanctions|economic warfare]] that the US wages against other countries through unilateral coercive [[sanctions]]. Countries under unilateral US sanctions include [[Cuba]], [[Iran]], [[Venezuela]], [[Nicaragua]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]], [[Sudan]], [[Syria]] and [[Zimbabwe]].&lt;BR&gt;In his update on April 3rd, Guterres showed that he was taking his ceasefire call seriously, insisting on actual ceasefires, not just feel-good declarations. &quot;…There is a huge distance between declarations and deeds,&quot; Guterres said. His original plea to &quot;put armed conflict on lockdown&quot; explicitly called on warring parties everywhere to &quot;silence the guns, stop the artillery, end the airstrikes,&quot; not just to say that they would like to, or that they’ll consider it if their enemies do it first.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

* Since the creation of the United Nations in 1945, over 100 major conflicts around the world have left some 20 million dead.
** [[Boutros Boutros-Ghali]] in a speech in 1992. Cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 9/8; article: ''How Was the World 50 Years Ago?''

* Memos about the sexual abuse in the Central African Republic were &quot;passed from desk to desk, inbox to inbox, across multiple UN offices, with no one willing to take responsibility&quot;, the report found. It added: &quot;The welfare of the victims and the accountability of the perpetrators appeared to be an afterthought, if considered at all.&quot; The investigation revealed that French peacekeepers from the UN's children agency, UNICEF, failed to act on reports of sexual abuse in early 2014 in the midst of civil war. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon expressed &quot;profound regret that these children were betrayed by the very people sent to protect them&quot; and said he accepted the panel's broad findings. No one has been arrested more than a year and a half after UN authorities were made aware of the sexual abuse allegations. Four French soldiers were questioned last week and released without charge. It took almost a year for UN staff to respond to allegations of rape by six children. One child reported he had been &quot;orally and anally raped.&quot;
** Jonathan Bucks, [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp Starving children 'as young as NINE forced to give UN officials oral sex to get food'], ''Express'', 18 December 2015

* To make peace in the world secure, the United Nations must have readily at its disposal, as a result of firm commitments undertaken by all of its members, military strength of sufficient dimensions to make it certain that it can meet aggressive military force with international military force, speedily and conclusively. If that kind of strength is made available to the United Nations [...] in my view that strength will never again be challenged in war and therefore need never be employed. But military strength will not be enough. The moral position of the United Nations must ever be strong and unassailable; it must stand steadfastly, always, for the right.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means. The United Nations - in Indonesia, Palestine, and Kashmir - has demonstrated convincingly that parties to the most severe conflict may be induced to abandon war as the method of settlement in favour of mediation and conciliation, at a merciful saving of untold lives and acute suffering. Unfortunately, there may yet be some in the world who have not learned that today war can settle nothing, that aggressive force can never be enough, nor will it be tolerated. If this should be so, the pitiless wrath of the organized world must fall upon those who would endanger the peace for selfish ends. For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

*There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. At times, perhaps, it has done so, but never to its own advantage nor to that of the sacred causes of peace and freedom. If the peoples of the world are strong in their resolve and if they speak through the United Nations, they need never be confronted with the tragic alternatives of war or dishonourable appeasement, death, or enslavement.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]
[[File:UN_Security_Council.jpg|thumb|The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means... For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
~[[Ralph Bunche]]]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together... the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields...One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether new in world affairs... The Security Council, with its arbitrary veto... has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto... The days of empire and dominion are past. ~[[Benjamin Creme]]]]
* It is worthy of emphasis that the United Nations exists not merely to preserve the peace but also to make change - even radical change - possible without violent upheaval. The United Nations has no vested interest in the status quo. It seeks a more secure world, a better world, a world of progress for all peoples. In the dynamic world society which is the objective of the United Nations, all peoples must have equality and equal rights. The rights of those who at any given time may be in the minority - whether for reasons of race, religion, or ideology - are as important as those of the majority, and the minorities must enjoy the same respect and protection. The United Nations does not seek a world cut after a single pattern, nor does it consider this desirable. The United Nations seeks only unity, not uniformity, out of the world's diversity.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* For the first time since [[World War II]] the [[international community]] is united. The leadership of the United Nations, once only a hoped-for ideal, is now confirming its founders’ vision. . . . The world can therefore seize this opportunity to fulfill the long-held promise of a new world order.
** [[George H. W. Bush]], the President of the United States in his State of the Union message to that nation, January 29, 1991.
[[File:&quot;WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS&quot; - NARA - 516086.jpg|thumb|The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNchangedcolorBLUE.png|thumb|The United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet. ~ [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]

===C===
*[[War]]! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the [[war]], but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end [[war]]s, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] - about as much as we need an ear infection... Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
**[[Pat Condell]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch?v=8bzTA_D5NpU Free speech is sacred] ([[17 March]], 2009; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])
 
*'''The UN will become the major debating chamber of the world. All world problems will be debated there and resolutions passed which will implement the new system.''' An entirely new UN agency will be set up specifically to oversee the process of sharing the world's resources. But I must emphasize that we have free will; nothing will be forced on humanity. When humanity of its own free will accepts the principle of sharing and asks [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]] and His group of [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], how do we do this, how do we set about sharing, then we will find that the plan is already there.
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  ''Maitreya's Mission Vol. III'' (1997) 

*[[Trust]] will be created by the economic change, the number one change, the answer to all our problems really, the starting part of the answer to all our problems is in the change in the economic redistribution of the world's resources, which... [[Masters of Wisdom|the masters]] written over and over again is the key to all further changes because it creates [[trust]] and when you create trust, all things become possible.  Then you get changes in the political field, changes in the political field make changes in the economic field easier and these make easier changes in the purely practical field of looking after the planet. Then, not only America, but the Europeans, Japan, and some of the more powerful industrialized nations will have to look very seriously at their plans for implementing an agreement like the kyoto agreement but further agreements which will be brought forward and signed by large numbers of groups. In this situation, the United nations will become the key factor. Then it will come into it's own... The world owes the United Nations a tremendous debt. It is one of the great educators of the world. It is one of the great medical sources for millions and millions of people. Health care for groups who have no other means of healthcare... Without the United Nations, which is a triumph of modern society, millions and millions of people would go wanting, even more than they do (now). 
**[[Benjamin Creme]] speaking about [https://share-international.org/av/v_unity_sf2001.htm Unity], (2001)

*The United Nations is, of course, the forum in which the voice of the smaller nations can be raised and heard. This is only possible when the Security Council, with its arbitrary veto, is abolished. It has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto. Then will we see the nations acting without restraints imposed by Great Power veto and financial inducement. Those who call loudest for democracy in foreign lands are strangely blind to its absence in the halls of the United Nations. Men must come to realize that the people of all the nations are one and equal, dependent each upon the other. No one nation owns, nor can rule, the world. No one nation can stand alone against the rest. The days of empire and dominion are past. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]]   [http://www.share-international.org/master/2018/ma-2018_05.htm The Brotherhood of Man], Share International Magazine (May 2018, first published October 2005)

*The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together...We see the limitations of the United Nations, but the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields - the economic, the ecological, the medical, and the social field - tremendous work of reconstruction and reorganisation. One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether  new in world affairs...
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) as quoted in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2014/2014-09.htm Share International Magazine] (September 2014)

===D===
*The United Nations Organization is charged with positive tasks. That at least gives it a chance to be potent in the world. Whether the chance is realized will depend primarily upon the General Assembly. The role of the Security Council is predominantly negative. Its task is to stop the nations from public brawling. But it has no mandate to change the conditions which make brawls likely.&lt;BR&gt;By contrast, the General Assembly, directly or through its Economic and Social Council, is charged: to promote international cooperation in economic, social, cultural, educational and health fields; to assist in the realization of human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without distinction as to race, sex, language or religion and, in this connection, to establish a Commission on Human Rights; to promote higher standards of living, full employment and conditions of economic and social progress and development...assuming the role of a &quot;town meeting of the world,&quot; where public opinion is focused as an effective force.
**[[John Foster Dulles]] in [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/1945-10-01/united-nations-prospectus ''The United Nations: a Prospectus''] ''Foreign Affairs'' (October 1945) 
* The United Nations represents not a final stage in the development of world order, but only a primitive stage.  Therefore its primary task is to create the conditions which will make possible a more highly developed organization.
** [[John Foster Dulles]] in &lt;i&gt;War on Peace&lt;/i&gt; (1949).

===G===
* When it comes with [United Nations] Security Council my opininion is very clear, from now on, I do not accept the Security Council as up now. I call on all nations to stop recognizing the Security Council as up now. Its existence is illegal, unacceptable, and non-democratic. We will not attend its sessions, we will not recognize it at all. I call upon the world to stop recognizing the Security Council from now on in its current form, it is useless! 65 wars have happened and the Security Council did not deter the aggressions, what is the Security Council? it is the tool in the hands of major powers using it to serve their exclusive interests.
**[[Muammar Gaddafi]] ''Talk to Al-Jazeera'' (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

===H===
* It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. I shall remain in my post during the term of my office as a servant of the Organization in the interests of all those other nations, as long as they wish me to do so.
** [[Dag Hammarskjold]], statement to the General Assembly of the United Nations (October 3, 1960); in ''Official Records of the United Nations, General Assembly'', vol. 1, p. 332.

* I have so much respect for the [[United Nations|U.N.]] in the field, that [[humanitarian]] aid workers, the [[human rights]] officials. And what frustrates me a great deal is the intergovernmental discussions where the states themselves are often unable to arrive at a conclusion, where the discussions are often rather thoughtless, banal and sometimes too formulaic. And I think the world's people deserve better, and they deserve a political class around the world that is really solving the problems of the planet.
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview with[[NPR]]: [https://www.npr.org/2018/09/18/649274524/former-u-n-rights-human-rights-chief-outlines-the-state-of-the-geopolitical-clim ''Former U.N. Human Rights Chief Outlines The State Of The Geopolitical Climate, All Things Considered,''] (18 September 2018)

*[Question: What surprised him most about his U.N. post?] I think I knew there would be strong [[wikt:pushback|pushback]] from governments, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of human [[wikt:suffering|suffering]], the feeling of [[wikt:inadequacy|inadequacy]]. I could give speeches, do reports and press conferences, but it was not equal to the need to [[wikt:alleviate|alleviate]] the suffering... You see the severest [[w:degradation|degradation]]. Bombs hit schools, hospitals, marketplaces, and law seems not to matter at all. All [[International law|rules of war]] were cast aside...   It seems President Trump is drawn by [[authoritarian]] leadership that shows little respect for [[human rights]]. This feeds the perspective that the U.S. doesn’t care. When he attacks the U.S. media as ‘enemies of the people,’ two days later [an autocrat like] Cambodia’s Hun Sen uses the same language... It’s not like we gave a pass to the Obama administration, but we were able to talk to the U.S. administration under Obama. This doesn’t apply to the Trump administration. 
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview: [https://www.philly.com/opinion/zeid-raad-alhussein-trump-un-high-commissioner-human-rights-syria-yemen-russia-20190328.html ''Former UN human rights chief on Trump, populism, and complacency toward war crimes, Philly.com'' Trudy Rubin]  (28 March 2019)

===K===
*For the UN is rightly criticized for being anachronistic, for reflecting the old world that is drifting away into the past. Particularly we, the Polish people, and all the nations of Central and Eastern Europe find it difficult to forget about that. The UN idea dates back to 1943; to the meeting of the &quot;Big Three&quot; in Tehran; to the illusions that Roosevelt harbored about Stalin, benevolently nicknamed &quot;Uncle Joe&quot;. As a result, the road to San Francisco led via Yalta. And even though Poland had made a major contribution to the victory which put an end to the Second World War, in June 1945 a representative of our country was not allowed to put his signature to the United Nations Charter. We remember that event when Artur Rubinstein, seeing that there was no Polish delegation at the concert to mark the signing of the Charter, decided to play the Dąbrowski Mazurka, Poland's national anthem, to demonstrate that &quot;Poland was not lost yet&quot;, that Poland lived on. I am recalling this because I had a very touching moment a few days ago in the same San Francisco opera house, to which I was invited for the opening of the season. This time it was the orchestra that played the &quot;Dąbrowski Mazurka&quot;, and at that moment the memories of the great Artur Rubinstein and his performance came back with full force and it was very touching indeed for me. The UN is rooted in the Second World War and in the post-war situation; it reflects the balance of power of that era.
**[[w:Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander Kwaśniewski]], [http://www.president.pl/en/archive/news-archive/news-2005/art,36,participation-of-the-president-of-the-republic-of-poland-in-an-academic-conference-the-united-nations-an-.html &quot;The United Nations: an Assessment and Prospects&quot;] (2005)

===L===
*How can a beret coloured blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from [[Sweden]], [[Canada]] or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the [[racism]] and paternalism of people whose only vision of [[Africa]] is lion hunting, [[slave]] markets and [[Colonialism|colonial conquest]]; people for whom the history of civilisation is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they understand the [[Belgium|Belgians]]. They have the same past, the same [[history]], the same lust for our [[wealth]].
**[[Patrice Lumumba]], quoted in ''The Assassination of Lumumba'', on UN forces siding with Belgium (the outgoing colonizers of [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|the Congo]])

===M===
*The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]].  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. It is for this reason that I believe NATO should be abolished and that steps be taken towards disarmament through non-violent action and civil resistance.
**[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',]  (14 October 2014)

* The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action.
** [[Robert McNamara]], U.S. Secretary of Defense, address before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, Montreal, Canada (May 19, 1966), ''Congressional Record'' (May 19, 1966), vol. 112, p. 11114.

===O===
* And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium].
* Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. I trust that mankind will succeed in halting and reversing the course towards the precipice.
** [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]], Polish Minister for Foreign Affairs, stated in a letter dated May 9, 1985.

===P===
* I hope the United Nations will ever remain the supreme forum of peace and justice, the authentic seat of freedom.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], October 1979, addressed the UN General Assembly.

*How many people outside China are aware of the responsible way China acts internationally? Take the [[UN]] for example.  According to the respected journalist [[Fareed Zakaria]], writing in this month’s ''Foreign Affairs'', “Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms”.   This is a very different China than the one projected by many Western politicians and journalists. Usually, China is reported as being an impediment at the [[w:United Nations Security Council|Security Council]], using its veto fast and furiously.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']],       (March 5, 2020)

===R===
*Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The UN is our greatest hope for future peace. Alone we cannot keep the peace of the world, but in cooperation with others we have to achieve this much longed-for security.”
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
* We have been determined . . . to so organize the peace-loving nations that they may through unity of desire, unity of will, and unity of strength be in position to assure that no other would-be aggressor or conqueror shall even get started. That is why from the very beginning of the [[war]], and paralleling our military plans, we have begun to lay the foundations for the general organization for the maintenance of [[peace]] and [[security]].
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]],  Quoted (1944) in''Peace and Security—The Hope'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'', (1 October 1985)
*The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation...it must be a peace which rests on the cooperative effort of the whole world.&quot;
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] as quoted [https://www.nps.gov/frde/learn/photosmultimedia/quotations.htm   Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial] NPS.gov (1 March 1945)
*We pay tribute to the soldiers and fliers and seamen of others of the United Nations whose countries have been overrun by Axis hordes.  As a result of the Allied occupation of North Africa, powerful units of the French Army and Navy are going into action. They are in action with the United Nations forces. We welcome them as allies and as friends. They join with those Frenchmen who, since the dark days of June, 1940, have been fighting valiantly... &lt;BR&gt;We pay tribute to the fighting leaders of our allies, to Winston Churchill, to Joseph Stalin, and to the Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek. Yes, there is a very great unanimity between the leaders of the United Nations... &lt;BR&gt;I cannot tell you when or where the United Nations are going to strike next in Europe. But we are going to strike--and strike hard. I cannot tell you whether we are going to hit them in Norway... through Poland--or at several points simultaneously. But I can tell you that no matter where and when we strike by land, we and the British and the Russians will hit them from the air heavily and relentlessly...&lt;BR&gt;Hitler and Mussolini will understand now the enormity of their miscalculations--that the Nazis would always have the advantage of superior air power...That superiority has gone--forever.&lt;BR&gt;Yes, the Nazis and the Fascists have asked for it--and they are going to get it.
**Franklin Delano Roosevelt in [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/state-of-the-union-1943.php State of the Union Address 1943] University of Groningen, NL (7 January 1943) 

===S===
*The idea that the UN system could provide real leadership on the great development challenges will strain credulity in some quarters. 
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]] in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-BjuAAAAMAAJ The Economist, Volume 365, Issues 8293-8296]'', The Economist Newspaper Ltd., 2002, p. 200

*So, yes, we have a global food system, but we need a different system. That different system must be based on the principle of universal human dignity in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]], the principle of national sovereignty in the [[UN Charter]], and the economic rights in the Universal Declaration and the [[W:International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights|International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights]]. In the Universal Declaration, all governments agreed that social protection is a human right, not merely a “nice thing,” or a pleasant thing, but a basic human right. That was 73 years ago. The Sustainable Development Goals are our generation’s pledge to honor the Universal Declaration of Human Rights...
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*We need the United Nations as the core and central institution of our world.  The only way we’re going to have a peaceful, civilized world is through a strong UN.  It’s absurd that the UN core budget is a mere $3 billion per year, when New York City’s budget is around $100 billion.  We chronically underfund the UN system and then ask, “Why don’t things work well?”   
**[[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs']], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

*It was a question of: “All right, what now?” And I didn’t really have an idea... I talked with lawyers that were introduced to me by the journalists — human rights lawyers — and tried to plan my next stage....I talked to the United Nations. And ultimately, the United Nations came back and went...&quot;...the U.S. has enormous sway in our organization. They pay an enormous amount of our budget. And the U.S. gets what the U.S. wants. We probably can’t help you...”
**[[Edward Snowden]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/9/30/whistleblower_edward_snowden_permanent_record_nsa &quot;Snowden Reveals How He Secretly Exposed NSA Criminal Wrongdoing Without Getting Arrested&quot;,] ''DemocracyNow!'' (September 30, 2019)

* As far as I've ever heard, the U. N. hasn’t meant anything to anyone for years, except an idealistic, sappy idea that got taken over by Third Worlders and went broke.
** [[Norman Spinrad]], ''A Thing of Beauty'' in ''[[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog]]'' (January 1973), p. 74

* Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, defining diplomatic life, in Herbert J. Muller, ''Adlai Stevenson'' (1967), p. 274.

===T===
* [[w:Marshall Plan|Our support of European recovery]] is in full accord with our support of the United Nations. The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=12805 Harry S. Truman: &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Marshall Plan.,&quot; December 19, 1947. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]
* The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics to which this country is dedicated.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe,&quot; March 17, 1948. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

===W===
* You must not expect the United Nations to accomplish [[miracle]]s. We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish.
** [[Kurt Waldheim]], quoted in the article ''The United Nations—How Strong a World Force?'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, September 15, 1974.
* I am convinced that the United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet.
** That conviction was expressed by former Secretary-General [[Kurt Waldheim]] in his book ''The Challenge of Peace''. While admitting the UN’s shortcomings, he also explained: &quot;One should realize that the United Nations is, after all, the world in microcosm. Its weaknesses must consequently be ascribed primarily to the contradictions that characterize the world community itself&quot;; and &quot;I should point out that it [the UN] is no more than a mirror of the world it serves. That [[world]] is a conglomerate of extremely varied, often intractable, passionate, and antagonistic [[nation]]s&quot;.

===Z===
[[File:United Nations Security Council.jpg|thumb|It is useless! 65 wars have happened and the [United Nations] [[W:UNSC|Security Council]] did not deter the aggressions. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]]]]

* Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms.   
**[[Fareed Zakaria]], quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']], (March 5, 2020)

* I believe the United Nations has been gradually weakened since the end of the Cold War, despite the fact that important initiatives have been passed recently. In 1954, UN officials realized that the world needed to share its resources better, and that it was unfair that some countries were so poor and others so wealthy. Back then, the first most important programme was created: the [[w:United Nations Development Program|United Nations Development Program (UNDP)]]. Suddenly, the international community realized that sharing was the key.  And what’s the best course of action for sharing? Development. &lt;BR&gt;Then came a long debate over how to develop all countries to the same level, and whether political, educational and cultural developments were necessary for economic development. This is what we now call ‘integral development’. But then another notion emerged which is even more important: ‘endogenous development’, helping countries to help themselves. This is ‘capacity building’, but at present we are not doing this at all; if we were, every rich country would give 0.7 per cent of its GDP [Gross Domestic Product]. &lt;BR&gt; A third big step in the field of development came with the notion of ‘sustainability’. Gro Harlem Brundtland was the first to say that development is useless if we exhaust natural resources. Therefore, every resource we use must be replenished in equal proportion. It goes without saying that we are not taking any of these three basic and commonsense steps in development. We are not bringing about development with a human face...
**[[w:Federico Mayor Zaragoza|Federico Mayor Zaragoza]] in   [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2007/oct_07.htm#correspondents ''The true soul of the United Nations, Interview with  Federico Mayor Zaragoza, Share International,''] (October 2007)

=== ''The Crime of Silence'' by Federico Major Zaragoza (2011) ===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.fund-culturadepaz.org/doc/The_Crime_of_Silence_FM.pdf  Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* The time has come to replace groups of [[plutocrats]] (created by [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister Thatcher]] that have proved to be totally useless) by a strong United Nations, endowed with the personal, technical and financial resources that would enable it to fulfill its noble mission (of ensuring international security; guaranteeing democratic principles; freedom of expression and access to accurate information; of coordinated action to reduce the impact of natural and man-made catastrophes; protecting the environment; providing appropriately applied guidelines for social and economic development)... p. 4 &amp; 5

* International trusts operate with absolute impunity, due to the United Nations not being strong enough to impose the authority that could benefit each and everyone, the oil tankers from different countries –who nonetheless sail under the same two or three ―flags – continue to pollute the sea, and the lawbreakers –such as the ones who traffic in weapons, drugs and human beings and who seek shelter in tax heavens to escape from their responsibilities– cannot be either arrested or taken before the courts.  p. 11

* News of important events that might make us reflect and adopt our own decisions and attitudes (and this is precisely what education is all about) are concealed, distorted or otherwise disguised. The meetings of the [[w:Group of Eight|G8]] (a group of plutocrats who attempt to govern the world) fill pages upon pages, while proposals for reform made by the United Nations as a whole or by its financial institutions (managed by the President of the [[w: United Nations General Assembly|General Assembly]] with the participation of [[w: List of Nobel Memorial Prize laureates in Economics|Nobel Prize Laureates in Economics]]) receive only a few  paragraphs. The same may be said of worldwide meetings such as the recent  [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]] World Conference on Higher Education (not even a line!) or with respect to the topic that for me (and for that reason I reiterate this) constitutes our greatest problem of conscience: the [[w: extreme poverty|extreme poverty and hunger]], which, in a horrendous [[genocide]], results in the death of 60,000 persons daily, while we invest over 2500 million euros in useless weapons.  p. 13/14

* '''Can The World Be Fixed?'''&lt;BR&gt; 1) If [[democracy]] is consolidated and political leaders take the reins instead of bowing to pressure from [[w: Financial institution|financial institutions]], and replace our present [[w:speculation|speculation]]-based economy with a [[w:knowledge economy|knowledge-based economy]]. &lt;BR&gt; 2) If investment in [[w:military spending|weapons and military spending]] is reduced and more money is devoted to global [[w:sustainable development|sustainable development]], significantly increasing the number of people who benefit from progress.&lt;BR&gt; 3) If [[w:tax haven|tax havens]] are decisively closed down and [[w:alternative financing|alternative financing]] measures are put into place, such as fees for electronic transactions. &lt;BR&gt; 4) If, for once and for all, the plutocratic [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8, [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]... factions imposed by the ―globalizers&quot; are dissolved and the United Nations is reinforced and endowed with the means for fulfilling its worldwide security missions, enforcing [[international law]], including the [[World Trade Organization]] and ensuring that the [[w:World Bank|World Bank]] and [[w:International Monetary Fund|International Monetary Fund]] carry out the goals for which they were founded, with rapid deployment of [[w:Blue Helmets|UN Blue Helmets]], rather than remaining as passive witnesses to [[genocide]] and [[Crimes against humanity|massive human rights violations]]... &lt;BR&gt; 5) If it is decided overnight that drugs are worthless and are made universally available at reasonable prices, as is the case with alcohol and tobacco. [[w:Drug liberalization|This ―legalization]] would be accompanied, as warranted, by a  campaign in the [[w:communications media|communications media]], educational institutions, etc. to discourage drug use and [encourage] clinical treatment to cure addiction. &lt;BR&gt;6) If citizens the world over, aware of the [[w:activism|power of distance participation]], cease to be resigned ―receivers and turn to [[action]]. &lt;BR&gt;'''The world can be fixed.'''   p.&amp;nbsp;21. 

* The United Nations have been reduced to an international [[w:humanitarian aid|humanitarian agency]] and an institutional refuge of convenience, conferring real power to groups of the world’s wealthiest nations (G6, [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8.... [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]). Since the 1980s when values ([[social justice]], [[equity]], [[solidarity]] …) were replaced by the [[W:market economy|rules of the market]] and [[Democracy|the ―democracy]]  that the UN represented was replaced by [[plutocracy]], it became clear that [[Inequality|inequalities]] would increase, production would be outsourced, [[w:tax havens|tax havens]] would overflow instead of being shut down once and for all, supranational [[w:Smuggling|trafficking (drugs, arms, people)]] would go unpunished, financial transactions would remain unregulated…  p.&amp;nbsp;23/24.

== See also ==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Charter of the United Nations]]
*[[Compassion]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Food]]
*[[Global warming|Global warming crisis]]
*[[Health care|Healthcare]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Hunger]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Poverty]]
*[[Sharing]]
*[[home|Shelter]]
*[[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]
*[[Rule of law]]
*[[Youth activism]]
*[[Unity]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]
*[[World peace]]
*[[World view]]

== External links ==
* [http://www.un.org U.N. homepage]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20150602005106/http://www.unv.org/ United Nations Volunteers]
* [http://research.un.org/en/docs United Nations Documentation Research Guide]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5O114-PQNYkurlTg6hekZw Official YouTube channel] (in English)

==Wikipedia articles and lists==
* [[w:List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations|List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations]]
* [[w:Model United Nations|Model United Nations]]
* [[w:United Nations in popular culture|United Nations in popular culture]]
* [[w:United Nations television film series|United Nations television film series]]
* [[w:World Summit on the Information Society|World Summit on the Information Society]]

[[Category:United Nations| ]]
[[Category: Themes]]
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[[File:Emblem of the United Nations.svg|thumb| We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish. &lt;/br&gt; [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]
The [[w:United Nations|'''United Nations''']] ('''UN''') is an [[w:intergovernmental organization|intergovernmental organization]] to promote international co-operation. A replacement for the ineffective [[w:League of Nations|League of Nations]], the organization was  established on 24 October 1945 after [[World War II]] in order to prevent another such conflict. At its founding, the UN had 51 [[w:Member states of the United Nations|member states]]; there are now 193. The [[w:headquarters of the United Nations|headquarters of the United Nations]] is in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]], [[New York City|New York]], and experiences [[w:extraterritoriality|extraterritoriality]]. Further main offices are situated in [[w:United Nations Office at Geneva|Geneva]], [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|Nairobi]] and [[w:United Nations Office at Vienna|Vienna]]. The organization is financed by assessed and voluntary contributions from its member states. Its objectives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment, and providing humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== Quotes ==
=== Preamble to the United Nations Charter ===
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|World War II poster from the United States on the United Nations - Preamble to the Charter of the United Nations]]
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:United Nations (Member States and Territories).svg|thumb|United Nations Members]]

The Preamble to the treaty reads as follows:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
; WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
* to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and 
* to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and 
* to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and 
* to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, 
; AND FOR THESE ENDS
* to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and 
* to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and 
* to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and 
* to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,
; HAVE RESOLVED TO COMBINE OUR EFFORTS TO ACCOMPLISH THESE AIMS.
Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|right|There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. ~ [[Ralph Bunche]]]]

[[File:Ali Khamenei and Bashar al-Assad05.jpg|thumb|right|Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]]
[[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|right|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]]
[[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Passenger Disembarking from Ship at Ashdod Port (1).jpg|thumb|[[European Union|The European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for peaceful settlements of conflict, are now one of the most important war assets of the U.S./[[NATO]] front.  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on.  ~[[Mairead Maguire]] ]]
[[File:Small Flag of the United Nations ZP.svg|thumb|It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. ~ [[Dag Hammarskjold]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Headquarters in New York City, view from Roosevelt Island.jpg|thumb|The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action. ~ [[Robert McNamara]] ]]
[[File:United Nations Building 3.jpg|thumb|Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. ~ [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]] ]]
===Charter of the United Nations, Chapter I: Purposes And Principles===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.un.org/en/charter-united-nations/index.html (full text online)] &lt;/small&gt;
====Article 1====
The Purposes of the United Nations are 
# To maintain international peace  and security, to take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace, and for the suppression of acts of aggression or other breaches of the peace, and to bring about by peaceful means, and in conformity with the principles of justice and international law, adjustment or settlement of international disputes or situations which might lead to a breach of the peace;
# To develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights  and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace;
# To achieve international co-operation in solving international problems of an economic, social, cultural, or [w:international humanitarian law|humanitarian]] character, and in promoting and encouraging respect for human rights and for fundamental freedoms  for all without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion; and
# To be a centre for harmonizing the actions of nations in the attainment of these common ends.
 
===United Nations ''Message for the new millennium'' by Secretary General [[Kofi Annan]]  (30 December 1999)===
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/millennium/584374.stm (text of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's Message for the New Millennium)]

*More than ever before in human history, we share a common destiny. We can master it only if we face it together. And that, my friends, is why we have the United Nations.&lt;BR&gt; Through the United Nations, we are working together to preserve peace; to outlaw weapons that kill and maim indiscriminately; to bring mass murderers and war criminals to justice. Through the United Nations, we are working together to defeat Aids and other epidemics; to control climate change; to make clean air and water available to everyone. Through the United Nations, we are working together to ensure that the global market benefits all of us, allowing the poor to lift themselves out of poverty.  

*Through the United Nations, we are working together to make human rights a reality for everyone - to give all human beings real choices in life, and a real say in decisions that affect their lives. In all these areas and more, the United Nations is working for you. But it can do little without you. After all, it belongs to you, the peoples of the world. And therefore it can work much better with your help and your ideas.&lt;BR&gt;My friends, the new millennium need not be a time of fear or anxiety. If we work together and have faith in our own abilities, it can be a time of hope and opportunity. It's up to us to make it so.
 
*My friends, our challenge today is not to save Western civilization — or Eastern, for that matter. All civilization is at stake, and we can save it only if all peoples join together in the task. You Americans did so much, in the last century, to build an effective multilateral system, with the United Nations at its heart. Do you need it less today, and does it need you less, than 60 years ago? Surely not. More than ever today, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system through which the world’s peoples can face global challenges together. And in order to function more effectively, the system still cries out for far-sighted American leadership, in the Truman tradition. I hope and pray that the American leaders of today, and tomorrow, will provide it.
 
*Eradication of extreme poverty has been identified as a priority, and specific targets have been set for prescribed measures. Many said the potential benefits of globalization are understood but people have yet to feel them. It is agreed that part of the solution lies in sovereign States giving priority to the needs of their people, especially the poorest. States, however, must work with the private sector and civil society to solve the problems of globalization. A more equitable world economy has been called for, one where those who have more do more for those who have less. 
 
==Quotes about== 
===A===

*It may be said that the actual birth of World Government coincided with the formation of the United Nations Organization, and with the desperate wish to invest it with real authority. So the embryonic World Government is potentially already there, founded essentially upon the heritage of the League of Nations. What shape it eventually takes, whether it becomes an enlargement of former tyrannies, or whether in fact it will prove to be the instrument by means of which we shall produce our promised Golden Age, depends upon ourselves, the people.  Only by appreciating possibilities shall we know for what to strive. In this respect we are not in such an inferior position to the experts as we might think, because we are  living in a time of transition, when everything is going to be so different that the experts are possibly more handicapped by their traditional time-worn knowledge than are we, untrained and with minds empty of red tape and  orthodoxy. It is possible that the truths and values of the coming new world conditions will be more easily and correctly apprehended by the man in the street to-day than by the tired politicians and economists.  p. 23-24
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*The voice of humanity, as expressed by its greatest leaders is now declaring these things. The United Nations are beginning to back up these standards and ideal. They are being translated into action with the general consent of the people, and without arousing consternation, query or protest. As a whole the people are ready to go forward into this new outlook. Naturally, there exist large and powerful anti-progress elements in the community, the tenacious profiteers of all kinds, but they have had to recognize that they cannot outwardly protest — they are up against the strong tide of the peoples’ will-to-good, and can only work underground. So that we can really say that the revolutionary principles declared by the Atlantic Charter and  Lend-lease have been ‘carried unanimously’ as it were.  156-157 
**[[Vera Stanley Alder]] in [[Vera_Stanley_Alder#Humanity_Comes_of_Age,_A_study_of_Individual_and_World_Fulfillment_(1950)|''Humanity Comes of Age, A study of Individual and World Fulfillment'']] (1950)

*We cannot say just because the United Nations...Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution? first of all, Who said? we know that you have the double standard in the world, in the United States policy, in the United Nations that is controlled by the United States and this so, it has no credibility. So, it's about evidences and documents, whenever they have we can discuss it just to discuss the report that we don't see in reality related to it. It is just a waste of time[...]for one reason, they haven't implemented, they never implemented any of the resolutions that related to the Arab world for example the Palestinians to the Syrian land. Why don't they, if they talk about human rights, what about the Palestinians suffering in the occupied territory? what about my land...my people? that leave their land because it's occupied by Israel...
**[[Bashar al-Assad]], ''Interview with Barbara Walters'' (December 2011) ABC News

*Eagerly, musician, Sweep your string, So we may sing, Elated, optative,&lt;br&gt;Our several voices Interblending, Playfully contending, Not interfering&lt;br&gt;But co-inhering, For all within The cincture of the sound Is holy ground,&lt;br&gt;Where all are Brothers, None faceless Others.&lt;br&gt;Let mortals beware Of words, for With words we lie, &lt;BR&gt;Can say peace When we mean war,&lt;br&gt;Foul thought speak fair And promise falsely, But song is true:&lt;BR&gt; Let music for peace Be the paradigm, For peace means to change&lt;br&gt;At the right time, As the World Clock, Goes Tick and Tock.&lt;br&gt;So may the story Of our human city Presently move Like music,&lt;br&gt;when Begotten notes New notes beget,&lt;BR&gt; Making the flowing Of time a growing,Till what it could be, At last it is,&lt;br&gt;Where even sadness Is a form of gladness,&lt;br&gt;Where Fate is Freedom,Grace and Surprise.
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;Hymn to the United Nations&quot;, music by Pablo Casals; reported in ''The New York Times'' (October 25, 1971), p. 40.

===B===
*The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the United Nations at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*The true problem of the United Nations is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]].
*There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as &quot;talking and bargaining points&quot;. The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from politics and from capitalism...
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the capitalism of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of imperialism; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western idealism.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency.
*What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that &quot;hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love&quot;. This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations.
*The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in  ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity  (1944)

*At least 70 countries have signed on to the March 23 call by UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] for a worldwide ceasefire during the Covid-19 pandemic. Like non-essential business and spectator sports, [[war]] is a luxury that the Secretary General says we must manage without for a while.  After U.S. leaders have told Americans for years that war is a necessary evil or even a solution to many of our problems, Mr. Guterres is reminding us that war is really the most nonessential [[evil]] and an indulgence that the world cannot afford – especially during a pandemic.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and  [[W:Nicolas J. S. Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]] , in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

*The [[António Guterres|UN Secretary General]] and the [[European Union]] have also both called for a suspension of the [[Economic sanctions|economic warfare]] that the US wages against other countries through unilateral coercive [[sanctions]]. Countries under unilateral US sanctions include [[Cuba]], [[Iran]], [[Venezuela]], [[Nicaragua]], [[North Korea]], [[Russia]], [[Sudan]], [[Syria]] and [[Zimbabwe]].&lt;BR&gt;In his update on April 3rd, Guterres showed that he was taking his ceasefire call seriously, insisting on actual ceasefires, not just feel-good declarations. &quot;…There is a huge distance between declarations and deeds,&quot; Guterres said. His original plea to &quot;put armed conflict on lockdown&quot; explicitly called on warring parties everywhere to &quot;silence the guns, stop the artillery, end the airstrikes,&quot; not just to say that they would like to, or that they’ll consider it if their enemies do it first.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], in [https://original.antiwar.com/mbenjamin/2020/04/12/un-ceasefire-defines-war-as-a-non-essential-activity/ UN Ceasefire Defines War as a Non-Essential Activity, ''Anti-War.com'']  (12 April 2020)

* Since the creation of the United Nations in 1945, over 100 major conflicts around the world have left some 20 million dead.
** [[Boutros Boutros-Ghali]] in a speech in 1992. Cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 9/8; article: ''How Was the World 50 Years Ago?''

* Memos about the sexual abuse in the Central African Republic were &quot;passed from desk to desk, inbox to inbox, across multiple UN offices, with no one willing to take responsibility&quot;, the report found. It added: &quot;The welfare of the victims and the accountability of the perpetrators appeared to be an afterthought, if considered at all.&quot; The investigation revealed that French peacekeepers from the UN's children agency, UNICEF, failed to act on reports of sexual abuse in early 2014 in the midst of civil war. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon expressed &quot;profound regret that these children were betrayed by the very people sent to protect them&quot; and said he accepted the panel's broad findings. No one has been arrested more than a year and a half after UN authorities were made aware of the sexual abuse allegations. Four French soldiers were questioned last week and released without charge. It took almost a year for UN staff to respond to allegations of rape by six children. One child reported he had been &quot;orally and anally raped.&quot;
** Jonathan Bucks, [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp Starving children 'as young as NINE forced to give UN officials oral sex to get food'], ''Express'', 18 December 2015

* To make peace in the world secure, the United Nations must have readily at its disposal, as a result of firm commitments undertaken by all of its members, military strength of sufficient dimensions to make it certain that it can meet aggressive military force with international military force, speedily and conclusively. If that kind of strength is made available to the United Nations [...] in my view that strength will never again be challenged in war and therefore need never be employed. But military strength will not be enough. The moral position of the United Nations must ever be strong and unassailable; it must stand steadfastly, always, for the right.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means. The United Nations - in Indonesia, Palestine, and Kashmir - has demonstrated convincingly that parties to the most severe conflict may be induced to abandon war as the method of settlement in favour of mediation and conciliation, at a merciful saving of untold lives and acute suffering. Unfortunately, there may yet be some in the world who have not learned that today war can settle nothing, that aggressive force can never be enough, nor will it be tolerated. If this should be so, the pitiless wrath of the organized world must fall upon those who would endanger the peace for selfish ends. For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

*There can be peace and a better life for all men. Given adequate authority and support, the United Nations can ensure this. But the decision really rests with the peoples of the world. The United Nations belongs to the people, but it is not yet as close to them, as much a part of their conscious interest, as it must come to be. The United Nations must always be on the people's side. Where their fundamental rights and interests are involved, it must never act from mere expediency. At times, perhaps, it has done so, but never to its own advantage nor to that of the sacred causes of peace and freedom. If the peoples of the world are strong in their resolve and if they speak through the United Nations, they need never be confronted with the tragic alternatives of war or dishonourable appeasement, death, or enslavement.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]
[[File:UN_Security_Council.jpg|thumb|The international problems with which the United Nations is concerned are the problems of the interrelations of the peoples of the world. They are human problems. The United Nations is entitled to believe, and it does believe, that there are no insoluble problems of human relations and that there is none which cannot be solved by peaceful means... For in this advanced day, there is no excuse, no justification, for nations resorting to force except to repel armed attack.
~[[Ralph Bunche]]]]
[[File:UN General Assembly.jpg|thumb|The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together... the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields...One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether new in world affairs... The Security Council, with its arbitrary veto... has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto... The days of empire and dominion are past. ~[[Benjamin Creme]]]]
* It is worthy of emphasis that the United Nations exists not merely to preserve the peace but also to make change - even radical change - possible without violent upheaval. The United Nations has no vested interest in the status quo. It seeks a more secure world, a better world, a world of progress for all peoples. In the dynamic world society which is the objective of the United Nations, all peoples must have equality and equal rights. The rights of those who at any given time may be in the minority - whether for reasons of race, religion, or ideology - are as important as those of the majority, and the minorities must enjoy the same respect and protection. The United Nations does not seek a world cut after a single pattern, nor does it consider this desirable. The United Nations seeks only unity, not uniformity, out of the world's diversity.
** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture &quot;Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time&quot; on December 11, 1950]

* For the first time since [[World War II]] the [[international community]] is united. The leadership of the United Nations, once only a hoped-for ideal, is now confirming its founders’ vision. . . . The world can therefore seize this opportunity to fulfill the long-held promise of a new world order.
** [[George H. W. Bush]], the President of the United States in his State of the Union message to that nation, January 29, 1991.
[[File:&quot;WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS&quot; - NARA - 516086.jpg|thumb|The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNITED NATIONS - PREAMBLE TO THE CHARTER OF THE UNITED NATIONS - NARA - 515901.jpg|thumb|The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]] ]]
[[File:UNchangedcolorBLUE.png|thumb|The United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet. ~ [[Kurt Waldheim]] ]]

===C===
*[[War]]! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the [[war]], but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end [[war]]s, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
**[[Sacha Baron Cohen]], [http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=aV3ncKB8a4s &quot;War&quot;] (28 February 2003), [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0508528/?ref_=ttep_ep2 ''Da Ali G Show''].

*It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] - about as much as we need an ear infection... Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
**[[Pat Condell]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch?v=8bzTA_D5NpU Free speech is sacred] ([[17 March]], 2009; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])
 
*'''The UN will become the major debating chamber of the world. All world problems will be debated there and resolutions passed which will implement the new system.''' An entirely new UN agency will be set up specifically to oversee the process of sharing the world's resources. But I must emphasize that we have free will; nothing will be forced on humanity. When humanity of its own free will accepts the principle of sharing and asks [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]] and His group of [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], how do we do this, how do we set about sharing, then we will find that the plan is already there.
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  ''Maitreya's Mission Vol. III'' (1997) 

*[[Trust]] will be created by the economic change, the number one change, the answer to all our problems really, the starting part of the answer to all our problems is in the change in the economic redistribution of the world's resources, which... [[Masters of Wisdom|the masters]] written over and over again is the key to all further changes because it creates [[trust]] and when you create trust, all things become possible.  Then you get changes in the political field, changes in the political field make changes in the economic field easier and these make easier changes in the purely practical field of looking after the planet. Then, not only America, but the Europeans, Japan, and some of the more powerful industrialized nations will have to look very seriously at their plans for implementing an agreement like the kyoto agreement but further agreements which will be brought forward and signed by large numbers of groups. In this situation, the United nations will become the key factor. Then it will come into it's own... The world owes the United Nations a tremendous debt. It is one of the great educators of the world. It is one of the great medical sources for millions and millions of people. Health care for groups who have no other means of healthcare... Without the United Nations, which is a triumph of modern society, millions and millions of people would go wanting, even more than they do (now). 
**[[Benjamin Creme]] speaking about [https://share-international.org/av/v_unity_sf2001.htm Unity], (2001)

*The United Nations is, of course, the forum in which the voice of the smaller nations can be raised and heard. This is only possible when the Security Council, with its arbitrary veto, is abolished. It has outlasted its usefulness and must soon give way to a United Nations Assembly free of the abuses of power and veto. Then will we see the nations acting without restraints imposed by Great Power veto and financial inducement. Those who call loudest for democracy in foreign lands are strangely blind to its absence in the halls of the United Nations. Men must come to realize that the people of all the nations are one and equal, dependent each upon the other. No one nation owns, nor can rule, the world. No one nation can stand alone against the rest. The days of empire and dominion are past. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]]   [http://www.share-international.org/master/2018/ma-2018_05.htm The Brotherhood of Man], Share International Magazine (May 2018, first published October 2005)

*The United Nations Assembly... is slowly but surely bringing the nations together...We see the limitations of the United Nations, but the United Nations' Agencies are doing tremendous work all over the world; have been doing, since their inauguration, in all fields - the economic, the ecological, the medical, and the social field - tremendous work of reconstruction and reorganisation. One shouldn't underestimate that contribution to world need which the nations, jointly, are making. This sense of caring is altogether  new in world affairs...
**[[Benjamin Creme]]  in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) as quoted in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2014/2014-09.htm Share International Magazine] (September 2014)

===D===
*The United Nations Organization is charged with positive tasks. That at least gives it a chance to be potent in the world. Whether the chance is realized will depend primarily upon the General Assembly. The role of the Security Council is predominantly negative. Its task is to stop the nations from public brawling. But it has no mandate to change the conditions which make brawls likely.&lt;BR&gt;By contrast, the General Assembly, directly or through its Economic and Social Council, is charged: to promote international cooperation in economic, social, cultural, educational and health fields; to assist in the realization of human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without distinction as to race, sex, language or religion and, in this connection, to establish a Commission on Human Rights; to promote higher standards of living, full employment and conditions of economic and social progress and development...assuming the role of a &quot;town meeting of the world,&quot; where public opinion is focused as an effective force.
**[[John Foster Dulles]] in [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/1945-10-01/united-nations-prospectus ''The United Nations: a Prospectus''] ''Foreign Affairs'' (October 1945) 
* The United Nations represents not a final stage in the development of world order, but only a primitive stage.  Therefore its primary task is to create the conditions which will make possible a more highly developed organization.
** [[John Foster Dulles]] in &lt;i&gt;War on Peace&lt;/i&gt; (1949).

===G===
* When it comes with [United Nations] Security Council my opininion is very clear, from now on, I do not accept the Security Council as up now. I call on all nations to stop recognizing the Security Council as up now. Its existence is illegal, unacceptable, and non-democratic. We will not attend its sessions, we will not recognize it at all. I call upon the world to stop recognizing the Security Council from now on in its current form, it is useless! 65 wars have happened and the Security Council did not deter the aggressions, what is the Security Council? it is the tool in the hands of major powers using it to serve their exclusive interests.
**[[Muammar Gaddafi]] ''Talk to Al-Jazeera'' (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

===H===
* It is not the Soviet Union or indeed any other big Powers who need the United Nations for their protection. It is all the others. In this sense, the Organization is first of all their Organization and I deeply believe in the wisdom with which they will be able to use it and guide it. I shall remain in my post during the term of my office as a servant of the Organization in the interests of all those other nations, as long as they wish me to do so.
** [[Dag Hammarskjold]], statement to the General Assembly of the United Nations (October 3, 1960); in ''Official Records of the United Nations, General Assembly'', vol. 1, p. 332.

* I have so much respect for the [[United Nations|U.N.]] in the field, that [[humanitarian]] aid workers, the [[human rights]] officials. And what frustrates me a great deal is the intergovernmental discussions where the states themselves are often unable to arrive at a conclusion, where the discussions are often rather thoughtless, banal and sometimes too formulaic. And I think the world's people deserve better, and they deserve a political class around the world that is really solving the problems of the planet.
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview with[[NPR]]: [https://www.npr.org/2018/09/18/649274524/former-u-n-rights-human-rights-chief-outlines-the-state-of-the-geopolitical-clim ''Former U.N. Human Rights Chief Outlines The State Of The Geopolitical Climate, All Things Considered,''] (18 September 2018)

*[Question: What surprised him most about his U.N. post?] I think I knew there would be strong [[wikt:pushback|pushback]] from governments, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of human [[wikt:suffering|suffering]], the feeling of [[wikt:inadequacy|inadequacy]]. I could give speeches, do reports and press conferences, but it was not equal to the need to [[wikt:alleviate|alleviate]] the suffering... You see the severest [[w:degradation|degradation]]. Bombs hit schools, hospitals, marketplaces, and law seems not to matter at all. All [[International law|rules of war]] were cast aside...   It seems President Trump is drawn by [[authoritarian]] leadership that shows little respect for [[human rights]]. This feeds the perspective that the U.S. doesn’t care. When he attacks the U.S. media as ‘enemies of the people,’ two days later [an autocrat like] Cambodia’s Hun Sen uses the same language... It’s not like we gave a pass to the Obama administration, but we were able to talk to the U.S. administration under Obama. This doesn’t apply to the Trump administration. 
**[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in interview: [https://www.philly.com/opinion/zeid-raad-alhussein-trump-un-high-commissioner-human-rights-syria-yemen-russia-20190328.html ''Former UN human rights chief on Trump, populism, and complacency toward war crimes, Philly.com'' Trudy Rubin]  (28 March 2019)

===K===
*For the UN is rightly criticized for being anachronistic, for reflecting the old world that is drifting away into the past. Particularly we, the Polish people, and all the nations of Central and Eastern Europe find it difficult to forget about that. The UN idea dates back to 1943; to the meeting of the &quot;Big Three&quot; in Tehran; to the illusions that Roosevelt harbored about Stalin, benevolently nicknamed &quot;Uncle Joe&quot;. As a result, the road to San Francisco led via Yalta. And even though Poland had made a major contribution to the victory which put an end to the Second World War, in June 1945 a representative of our country was not allowed to put his signature to the United Nations Charter. We remember that event when Artur Rubinstein, seeing that there was no Polish delegation at the concert to mark the signing of the Charter, decided to play the Dąbrowski Mazurka, Poland's national anthem, to demonstrate that &quot;Poland was not lost yet&quot;, that Poland lived on. I am recalling this because I had a very touching moment a few days ago in the same San Francisco opera house, to which I was invited for the opening of the season. This time it was the orchestra that played the &quot;Dąbrowski Mazurka&quot;, and at that moment the memories of the great Artur Rubinstein and his performance came back with full force and it was very touching indeed for me. The UN is rooted in the Second World War and in the post-war situation; it reflects the balance of power of that era.
**[[w:Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander Kwaśniewski]], [http://www.president.pl/en/archive/news-archive/news-2005/art,36,participation-of-the-president-of-the-republic-of-poland-in-an-academic-conference-the-united-nations-an-.html &quot;The United Nations: an Assessment and Prospects&quot;] (2005)

===L===
*How can a beret coloured blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from [[Sweden]], [[Canada]] or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the [[racism]] and paternalism of people whose only vision of [[Africa]] is lion hunting, [[slave]] markets and [[Colonialism|colonial conquest]]; people for whom the history of civilisation is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they understand the [[Belgium|Belgians]]. They have the same past, the same [[history]], the same lust for our [[wealth]].
**[[Patrice Lumumba]], quoted in ''The Assassination of Lumumba'', on UN forces siding with Belgium (the outgoing colonizers of [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|the Congo]])

===M===
*The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]].  Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through U.S./U.K./NATO wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. It is for this reason that I believe NATO should be abolished and that steps be taken towards disarmament through non-violent action and civil resistance.
**[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',]  (14 October 2014)

* The plain truth is the day is coming when no single nation, however powerful, can undertake by itself to keep the peace outside its own borders. Regional and international organizations for peace-keeping purposes are as yet rudimentary; but they must grow in experience and be strengthened by deliberate and practical cooperative action.
** [[Robert McNamara]], U.S. Secretary of Defense, address before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, Montreal, Canada (May 19, 1966), ''Congressional Record'' (May 19, 1966), vol. 112, p. 11114.

===O===
* And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a United Nations and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws.  But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium].
* Even perfect decisions of the Organization cannot yield expected practical results unless and until they have the response and support in the political will of Member States. I trust that mankind will succeed in halting and reversing the course towards the precipice.
** [[w:Stefan Olszowski|Stefan Olszowski]], Polish Minister for Foreign Affairs, stated in a letter dated May 9, 1985.

===P===
* I hope the United Nations will ever remain the supreme forum of peace and justice, the authentic seat of freedom.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], October 1979, addressed the UN General Assembly.

*How many people outside China are aware of the responsible way China acts internationally? Take the [[UN]] for example.  According to the respected journalist [[Fareed Zakaria]], writing in this month’s ''Foreign Affairs'', “Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms”.   This is a very different China than the one projected by many Western politicians and journalists. Usually, China is reported as being an impediment at the [[w:United Nations Security Council|Security Council]], using its veto fast and furiously.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']],       (March 5, 2020)

===R===
*Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
*The UN is our greatest hope for future peace. Alone we cannot keep the peace of the world, but in cooperation with others we have to achieve this much longed-for security.”
**Eleanor Roosevelt:  [https://unfoundation.org/blog/post/10-inspiring-eleanor-roosevelt-quotes/  10 Inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes] The United Nations Foundation.
* We have been determined . . . to so organize the peace-loving nations that they may through unity of desire, unity of will, and unity of strength be in position to assure that no other would-be aggressor or conqueror shall even get started. That is why from the very beginning of the [[war]], and paralleling our military plans, we have begun to lay the foundations for the general organization for the maintenance of [[peace]] and [[security]].
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]],  Quoted (1944) in''Peace and Security—The Hope'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'', (1 October 1985)
*The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation...it must be a peace which rests on the cooperative effort of the whole world.&quot;
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] as quoted [https://www.nps.gov/frde/learn/photosmultimedia/quotations.htm   Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial] NPS.gov (1 March 1945)
*We pay tribute to the soldiers and fliers and seamen of others of the United Nations whose countries have been overrun by Axis hordes.  As a result of the Allied occupation of North Africa, powerful units of the French Army and Navy are going into action. They are in action with the United Nations forces. We welcome them as allies and as friends. They join with those Frenchmen who, since the dark days of June, 1940, have been fighting valiantly... &lt;BR&gt;We pay tribute to the fighting leaders of our allies, to Winston Churchill, to Joseph Stalin, and to the Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek. Yes, there is a very great unanimity between the leaders of the United Nations... &lt;BR&gt;I cannot tell you when or where the United Nations are going to strike next in Europe. But we are going to strike--and strike hard. I cannot tell you whether we are going to hit them in Norway... through Poland--or at several points simultaneously. But I can tell you that no matter where and when we strike by land, we and the British and the Russians will hit them from the air heavily and relentlessly...&lt;BR&gt;Hitler and Mussolini will understand now the enormity of their miscalculations--that the Nazis would always have the advantage of superior air power...That superiority has gone--forever.&lt;BR&gt;Yes, the Nazis and the Fascists have asked for it--and they are going to get it.
**Franklin Delano Roosevelt in [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/state-of-the-union-1943.php State of the Union Address 1943] University of Groningen, NL (7 January 1943) 

===S===
* The idea that the UN system could provide real leadership on the great development challenges will strain credulity in some quarters. 
** [[Jeffrey Sachs]] in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-BjuAAAAMAAJ The Economist, Volume 365, Issues 8293-8296]'', The Economist Newspaper Ltd., 2002, p. 200

* So, yes, we have a global food system, but we need a different system. That different system must be based on the principle of universal human dignity in the [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]], the principle of national sovereignty in the [[UN Charter]], and the economic rights in the Universal Declaration and the [[W:International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights|International Covenant of Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights]]. In the Universal Declaration, all governments agreed that social protection is a human right, not merely a “nice thing,” or a pleasant thing, but a basic human right. That was 73 years ago. The Sustainable Development Goals are our generation’s pledge to honor the Universal Declaration of Human Rights...
** [[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs]], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

* We need the United Nations as the core and central institution of our world.  The only way we’re going to have a peaceful, civilized world is through a strong UN.  It’s absurd that the UN core budget is a mere $3 billion per year, when New York City’s budget is around $100 billion.  We chronically underfund the UN system and then ask, “Why don’t things work well?”   
** [[Jeffrey Sachs|Jeffrey Sachs]], Speech at the UN Food Systems Pre-summit, ''Share International'' magazine, [https://www.jeffsachs.org/recorded-lectures/5jf86pp5lxch35e6z3nct6xnmb8zy5 Speech transcript] (July 27, 2021)

* It was a question of: “All right, what now?” And I didn’t really have an idea... I talked with lawyers that were introduced to me by the journalists — human rights lawyers — and tried to plan my next stage....I talked to the United Nations. And ultimately, the United Nations came back and went...&quot;...the U.S. has enormous sway in our organization. They pay an enormous amount of our budget. And the U.S. gets what the U.S. wants. We probably can’t help you...”
** [[Edward Snowden]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/9/30/whistleblower_edward_snowden_permanent_record_nsa &quot;Snowden Reveals How He Secretly Exposed NSA Criminal Wrongdoing Without Getting Arrested&quot;,] ''DemocracyNow!'' (September 30, 2019)

* As far as I've ever heard, the U. N. hasn’t meant anything to anyone for years, except an idealistic, sappy idea that got taken over by Third Worlders and went broke.
** [[Norman Spinrad]], ''A Thing of Beauty'' in ''[[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog]]'' (January 1973), p. 74

* Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, defining diplomatic life, in Herbert J. Muller, ''Adlai Stevenson'' (1967), p. 274.

===T===
* [[w:Marshall Plan|Our support of European recovery]] is in full accord with our support of the United Nations. The success of the United Nations depends upon the independent strength of its members and their determination and ability to adhere to the ideals and principles embodied in the Charter.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=12805 Harry S. Truman: &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Marshall Plan.,&quot; December 19, 1947. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]
* The principles and the purposes expressed in the Charter of the United Nations continue to represent our hope for the eventual establishment of the rule of law in international affairs. The Charter constitutes the basic expression of the code of international ethics to which this country is dedicated.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 &quot;Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe,&quot; March 17, 1948. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.]

===W===
* You must not expect the United Nations to accomplish [[miracle]]s. We are made up of sovereign nations. We can only accomplish what our member nations allow us to accomplish.
** [[Kurt Waldheim]], quoted in the article ''The United Nations—How Strong a World Force?'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, September 15, 1974.
* I am convinced that the United Nations provides the best road to the future for those who have confidence in our capacity to shape our own fate on this planet.
** That conviction was expressed by former Secretary-General [[Kurt Waldheim]] in his book ''The Challenge of Peace''. While admitting the UN’s shortcomings, he also explained: &quot;One should realize that the United Nations is, after all, the world in microcosm. Its weaknesses must consequently be ascribed primarily to the contradictions that characterize the world community itself&quot;; and &quot;I should point out that it [the UN] is no more than a mirror of the world it serves. That [[world]] is a conglomerate of extremely varied, often intractable, passionate, and antagonistic [[nation]]s&quot;.

===Z===
[[File:United Nations Security Council.jpg|thumb|It is useless! 65 wars have happened and the [United Nations] [[W:UNSC|Security Council]] did not deter the aggressions. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]]]]

* Beijing is now the second-largest funder of the UN and UN peacekeepers.  It has deployed 2,500 peacekeepers, more than all the other permanent members of the Security Council combined. Between 2000 and 2008 it supported 182 of 190 Security Council resolutions imposing sanctions on nations deemed to have violated international rules or norms.   
**[[Fareed Zakaria]], quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/03/05/its-rubbish-to-trash-china/ It’s Rubbish to Trash China], by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/3remacr111/ Jonathan Power,] [[W: CounterPunch|''Counter Punch'']], (March 5, 2020)

* I believe the United Nations has been gradually weakened since the end of the Cold War, despite the fact that important initiatives have been passed recently. In 1954, UN officials realized that the world needed to share its resources better, and that it was unfair that some countries were so poor and others so wealthy. Back then, the first most important programme was created: the [[w:United Nations Development Program|United Nations Development Program (UNDP)]]. Suddenly, the international community realized that sharing was the key.  And what’s the best course of action for sharing? Development. &lt;BR&gt;Then came a long debate over how to develop all countries to the same level, and whether political, educational and cultural developments were necessary for economic development. This is what we now call ‘integral development’. But then another notion emerged which is even more important: ‘endogenous development’, helping countries to help themselves. This is ‘capacity building’, but at present we are not doing this at all; if we were, every rich country would give 0.7 per cent of its GDP [Gross Domestic Product]. &lt;BR&gt; A third big step in the field of development came with the notion of ‘sustainability’. Gro Harlem Brundtland was the first to say that development is useless if we exhaust natural resources. Therefore, every resource we use must be replenished in equal proportion. It goes without saying that we are not taking any of these three basic and commonsense steps in development. We are not bringing about development with a human face...
**[[w:Federico Mayor Zaragoza|Federico Mayor Zaragoza]] in   [https://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2007/oct_07.htm#correspondents ''The true soul of the United Nations, Interview with  Federico Mayor Zaragoza, Share International,''] (October 2007)

=== ''The Crime of Silence'' by Federico Major Zaragoza (2011) ===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.fund-culturadepaz.org/doc/The_Crime_of_Silence_FM.pdf  Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* The time has come to replace groups of [[plutocrats]] (created by [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister Thatcher]] that have proved to be totally useless) by a strong United Nations, endowed with the personal, technical and financial resources that would enable it to fulfill its noble mission (of ensuring international security; guaranteeing democratic principles; freedom of expression and access to accurate information; of coordinated action to reduce the impact of natural and man-made catastrophes; protecting the environment; providing appropriately applied guidelines for social and economic development)... p. 4 &amp; 5

* International trusts operate with absolute impunity, due to the United Nations not being strong enough to impose the authority that could benefit each and everyone, the oil tankers from different countries –who nonetheless sail under the same two or three ―flags – continue to pollute the sea, and the lawbreakers –such as the ones who traffic in weapons, drugs and human beings and who seek shelter in tax heavens to escape from their responsibilities– cannot be either arrested or taken before the courts.  p. 11

* News of important events that might make us reflect and adopt our own decisions and attitudes (and this is precisely what education is all about) are concealed, distorted or otherwise disguised. The meetings of the [[w:Group of Eight|G8]] (a group of plutocrats who attempt to govern the world) fill pages upon pages, while proposals for reform made by the United Nations as a whole or by its financial institutions (managed by the President of the [[w: United Nations General Assembly|General Assembly]] with the participation of [[w: List of Nobel Memorial Prize laureates in Economics|Nobel Prize Laureates in Economics]]) receive only a few  paragraphs. The same may be said of worldwide meetings such as the recent  [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]] World Conference on Higher Education (not even a line!) or with respect to the topic that for me (and for that reason I reiterate this) constitutes our greatest problem of conscience: the [[w: extreme poverty|extreme poverty and hunger]], which, in a horrendous [[genocide]], results in the death of 60,000 persons daily, while we invest over 2500 million euros in useless weapons.  p. 13/14

* '''Can The World Be Fixed?'''&lt;BR&gt; 1) If [[democracy]] is consolidated and political leaders take the reins instead of bowing to pressure from [[w: Financial institution|financial institutions]], and replace our present [[w:speculation|speculation]]-based economy with a [[w:knowledge economy|knowledge-based economy]]. &lt;BR&gt; 2) If investment in [[w:military spending|weapons and military spending]] is reduced and more money is devoted to global [[w:sustainable development|sustainable development]], significantly increasing the number of people who benefit from progress.&lt;BR&gt; 3) If [[w:tax haven|tax havens]] are decisively closed down and [[w:alternative financing|alternative financing]] measures are put into place, such as fees for electronic transactions. &lt;BR&gt; 4) If, for once and for all, the plutocratic [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8, [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]... factions imposed by the ―globalizers&quot; are dissolved and the United Nations is reinforced and endowed with the means for fulfilling its worldwide security missions, enforcing [[international law]], including the [[World Trade Organization]] and ensuring that the [[w:World Bank|World Bank]] and [[w:International Monetary Fund|International Monetary Fund]] carry out the goals for which they were founded, with rapid deployment of [[w:Blue Helmets|UN Blue Helmets]], rather than remaining as passive witnesses to [[genocide]] and [[Crimes against humanity|massive human rights violations]]... &lt;BR&gt; 5) If it is decided overnight that drugs are worthless and are made universally available at reasonable prices, as is the case with alcohol and tobacco. [[w:Drug liberalization|This ―legalization]] would be accompanied, as warranted, by a  campaign in the [[w:communications media|communications media]], educational institutions, etc. to discourage drug use and [encourage] clinical treatment to cure addiction. &lt;BR&gt;6) If citizens the world over, aware of the [[w:activism|power of distance participation]], cease to be resigned ―receivers and turn to [[action]]. &lt;BR&gt;'''The world can be fixed.'''   p.&amp;nbsp;21. 

* The United Nations have been reduced to an international [[w:humanitarian aid|humanitarian agency]] and an institutional refuge of convenience, conferring real power to groups of the world’s wealthiest nations (G6, [[w:Group of Seven|G-7]], G-8.... [[w:Group of Twenty|G-20]]). Since the 1980s when values ([[social justice]], [[equity]], [[solidarity]] …) were replaced by the [[W:market economy|rules of the market]] and [[Democracy|the ―democracy]]  that the UN represented was replaced by [[plutocracy]], it became clear that [[Inequality|inequalities]] would increase, production would be outsourced, [[w:tax havens|tax havens]] would overflow instead of being shut down once and for all, supranational [[w:Smuggling|trafficking (drugs, arms, people)]] would go unpunished, financial transactions would remain unregulated…  p.&amp;nbsp;23/24.

== See also ==
*[[Activism]]
*[[Charter of the United Nations]]
*[[Compassion]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Education]]
*[[Food]]
*[[Global warming|Global warming crisis]]
*[[Health care|Healthcare]]
*[[Human rights]]
*[[Hunger]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Poverty]]
*[[Sharing]]
*[[home|Shelter]]
*[[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]
*[[Rule of law]]
*[[Youth activism]]
*[[Unity]]
*[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]
*[[World peace]]
*[[World view]]

== External links ==
* [http://www.un.org U.N. homepage]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20150602005106/http://www.unv.org/ United Nations Volunteers]
* [http://research.un.org/en/docs United Nations Documentation Research Guide]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5O114-PQNYkurlTg6hekZw Official YouTube channel] (in English)

==Wikipedia articles and lists==
* [[w:List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations|List of current Permanent Representatives to the United Nations]]
* [[w:Model United Nations|Model United Nations]]
* [[w:United Nations in popular culture|United Nations in popular culture]]
* [[w:United Nations television film series|United Nations television film series]]
* [[w:World Summit on the Information Society|World Summit on the Information Society]]

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      <text bytes="18063" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
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'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here.
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': And the fog, in England.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
      <sha1>2rv7ql54k6cpfyhza4ym4jznsy3rrmw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153417</id>
      <parentid>3153246</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T01:36:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
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      <comment>added context</comment>
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      <text bytes="18862" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here.
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': '[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18915" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here.
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory.
:'''Frost''': What?
:'''Carlyle''': Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. ''[passes away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': '[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
      <sha1>57jaju3phazh19c6db9w469oveiy4oy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153472</id>
      <parentid>3153419</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:01:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18844" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Over lunch, Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model is informed of the British landings at Arnhem]''
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me! I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory.
:'''Frost''': What?
:'''Carlyle''': Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. ''[passes away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': '[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
      <sha1>h8ekcbjxtbeq4i88di127navc5jalqq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153473</id>
      <parentid>3153472</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:03:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18843" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Over lunch, Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model is informed of the British landings at Arnhem]''
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me! I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory.
:'''Frost''': What?
:'''Carlyle''': Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. ''[passes away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': '[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18944" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Over lunch, Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model is informed of the British landings at Arnhem]''
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me! I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[BG Gavin and Major Cook talk about how to assault Nijmegen bridge and prevent its demolition]''
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory.
:'''Frost''': What?
:'''Carlyle''': Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. ''[passes away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': ''[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18942" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]&lt;br&gt;Whats the best way to take a bridge?&lt;br&gt;Both ends at once...]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch.

:''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''&lt;/center&gt;
:''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]''
== Dialogue ==
:'''Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting?
:'''Brig. Gen. James  Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes?
:'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us?
:'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before?
:'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that?
:'''Gavin''': Let's hope not.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think?
:'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that–
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else?
:'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry.
:'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something?
:'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called &quot;Operation Market Garden&quot;. &quot;Market&quot; is the airborne element, and &quot;Garden&quot;, the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead.
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again.
:'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe?
:'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted.
:''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way.
:''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]''
:'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue.
:''[the room bursts into applause]'' 
[[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]]
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now.
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! [MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]''
:'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years.
:'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred.
:'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter?
:'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Over lunch, Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model is informed of the British landings at Arnhem]''
:'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me! I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car.
:'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal!
:'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters!
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir!
:'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
:'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying.
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:&lt;br&gt;Flatten Arnhem.]]
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it?
:'''Glass''': What is?
:'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot.
:'''Glass''': What can guarantee that?
:'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure.
:'''Glass''': You will.
:'''Dohun''': I will what?
:'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die.
:'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die.
:'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now.
:'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here!
:'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like.
:'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest.
:'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds.
:'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel.
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast.
:'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir?
:'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[BG Gavin and Major Cook talk about how to assault Nijmegen bridge and prevent its demolition]''
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge?
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once.
:'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead.
:'''Cook''': Go on, sir.
:'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready.
:'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major?
:'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation.  
:'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats?  
:'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big.  We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]''
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender!
:''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]''
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell.
:'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
:''[German officer walks off silently]''
:'''Frost''': Right.
:''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]''
:'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now?
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry.
:'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny.
:'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella?
:'''Carlyle''': Memory.
:'''Frost''': What?
:'''Carlyle''': Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. ''[passes away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr Jan Spaander and a British officer approach General Ludwig about a ceasefire at Arnhem and to accept Allied wounded into German medical care]''
:'''Gen. Karl Ludwig''': Not possible.
:'''Dr. Jan Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible.
:'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour... two... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want.
:''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich enters the room]''
:'''Obergruppenführer Wilhelm Bittrich''': General Ludwig. ''[motions with fingers to come to him. They whisper and Ludwig leaves with his staff; in German to Spaander]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock.
:'''Dr. Spaander''': ''[to British officer]'' Ceasefire at three. ''[to Bittrich in German]'' I would like to thank you.
:'''British officer''': Would you like to thank him, please?
:'''Dr. Spaander''': I just did.
:'''Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Please, you can go. ''[walks out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Allied officers climb a church tower to survey the situation in Arnhem and to consider blasting through to rescue the 1st Airborne Division, but are concerned about the Germans cutting the paras off from the river]'' 
:'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Well that's it then. We're pulling them out. ''[long pause]'' It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]].
:'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen.
:'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': ''[to General Sosabowski]'' And the fog, in England. ''[leaves]''
:'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. One man says to another, &quot;I know what let's do today, let's play the war game.&quot;... everybody dies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]''
:'''Lt. Gen. Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you?
:'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out.
:'''Browning''': You did all you could.
[[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]&lt;br&gt;I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] 
:'''Urquhart''': Yes, but did everyone else?
:'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it.
:'''Urquhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping.   
:'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased.
:'''Urquhart''': Pleased?
:'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful.
:'''Urquhart''': But what do you think?
:'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick &quot;Boy&quot; Browning]]
* [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun
* [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]]
* [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] 
* [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] 
* [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] 
* [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]]
* [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]]
* [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]]
* [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] 
* [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander
* [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]]
* [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass
* [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer 
* [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. &quot;Harry&quot; Bestebreurtje 
* [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle
* [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller
* [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer
* [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks
* [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury
* [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock
* [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver
* [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor
* [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele
* [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie
* [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims
* [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major
* [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies
* [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - &quot;Taffy&quot; Brace
* [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel
* [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel
* [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson
* [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas
* [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel)
* [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin
* [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald
* [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig  
* [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]]
* [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]]
* [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}}
* {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}}
* [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}}
[[Category:1977 films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:World War II films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]]
[[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Fictional last words in animated films</title>
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    <revision>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Other films */</comment>
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      <text bytes="118263" xml:space="preserve">This page contains the fictional last words from animated films.

==Quotes==
*You smell gas?! (Adrienne: THERE HE IS! He went that...) No problem!
**Who: The Exterminator
**Source: The Itsy Bitsy Spider (1992)
**Note: After Itsy Bitsy turns on the fireplace while he's riding a mouse, The Exterminator tries to kill Itsy with flamethrowers. However, he shoots flames into a fireplace until it explodes. But when Leslie realizes that she believes the Exterminator dies in the explosion (&quot;WHOA!&quot;), the Exterminator turns out to be a killer robot (&quot;Warning! Warning! Vaporization of outer latex insulation in progress! Drop and roll! Drop and roll!&quot;).

*Any more big ideas? Please stay.
**Who: Norvirus Raccoon
**Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
**Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

===Disney animated films===
''See also [[Last words in Disney animated films]].''

===20th Century Studios animated films===
*Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.
**Who: [[w:Mike Dirnt|Mike Dirnt]]
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]''
**Notes: The real-life member of [[w:Green Day|Green Day]] says this after the barge that he and the other band members were playing on is dissolved by the sludge in Lake Springfield, sending all of them to their deaths. They then take out violins, and play ''[[w:Nearer My God to Thee|Nearer My God to Thee]]'' on them in place of their normal instruments. Both the line and the incident itself are parodies of the band that played on the [[w:RMS Titanic|RMS ''Titanic'']] as it sank.

*Oh, I don't know what to do! If I stay, I'm trapped, if I leave, I'm alone! Oh God! In! Out! In! Out! I never saw Venice! I-
**Who: Unnamed Man
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]''
**Note: As Springfield is getting encased in a giant glass dome, one man contemplates in a worried rush of whether or not he should leave the dome. As he says this, the giant dome crushes him.

*Bye, everybody!
**Who: Dr. Nick Rivera
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]''
**Notes: After the dome is destroyed, Chief Wiggum mentions that nobody was hurt in the ordeal. He then looks around to see Dr. Nick crushed under a giant chunk of plastic. His last words are a take-off on his usual catchphrase (&quot;Hi, everybody!&quot;).
	 
*Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
**Who: Russ Cargill
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]''
**Notes: Said as he prepares to shoot Homer with a shotgun. Before he can fire, Maggie drops a rock on him. May not have died, but was not seen or referenced for the rest of the movie.

*Like... melted gold...
**Who: Rat
**Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]''
**Note: Before he could kill Ash, Mr. Fox arrived and fought him, and Rat was killed by getting electrocuted by an electric fence. As he lay dying, he told where the three farmers' hideout is, then he died.

*Petey, bring us a ladder please.
**Who: Franklin Bean
**Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]''
**Note: Boggis, Bunce and Bean gets scared of the dog, and he calls Petey to bring them a ladder.

====Blue Sky Studios films====
*'''AWK! Intruders!''' ['''Dodo 6:''' Now, don't fall in. If you do, you will definitely...] '''Intruders! Intrud– AAAAHHH!''' ['''Dodos:''' ''[painfully]'' Ooh!] ['''Dodo 6:''' ...burn and die.]
**Who: Dab
**Source: ''[[Ice Age]]'' (2002)
**Note: After he spotted Manny, Sid and Diego, He called out to the others that intruders had come, Dab was not looking where was going and continued calling out until he fell into a smoldering pit, being burned.

*'''What are you doing?!''' ['''Diego:''' Leave the mammoth alone.] '''Fine. I'll take you down first.'''
**Who: Soto
**Source: ''[[Ice Age]]'' (2002)
**Note: After Diego chooses to stand by Manny against his former Sabertooth Pack, Soto says these words before fighting him, and severely wounding him in his attempt to kill Manny. Thereafter, Manny smacked Soto into a wall of ice, knocking loose a row of icicles, the sharp ice formations falling, and end up killing Soto off-screen.

*'''What are you doing?! Get off me! Let me go, do as I say, get OFF!'''
**Who: Madame Gasket
**Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)
**Note: As they are swinging away from and toward the furnace, Ratchet clings to his mother, who tells him to get off. Ratchet gets off by hanging on to a wire he released while Gasket goes straight towards the furnace, where she meets her destruction.

*['''Ape Siren:''' Oh, Captain Gutt..] '''That's me....''' ['''Ape Siren:''' Let's rule the seas together...] Aye, aye....
**Who: Captain Gutt
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: After being defeated by Manny in a duel at a sliding iceberg and sent flying rather far away out of sight, Gutt a piece of ice to float on the water with, but notices fins sticking out of the water close to them where he encounters a seductive female of his species. Unfortunately, the female is a siren and it pulls Gutt into the shell. All that can be heard are crunching sounds and Gutt's screams of pain as he is eaten alive.

*'''No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire; be more than a rodent.'''
**Who: Ariscratle
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: Before Scrat could pull out the giant acorn, Ariscratle called out for Scrat to stop before he could pull the acorn out, reminding the squirrel to rise above his animalistic desires and to be more than a mere rodent. Scrat, however, pulled the acorn out anyway, flooding all of Scratlantis and taking all the squirrels, Ariscratle among them, down the plughole.

*'''What's that little saying you people have? &quot;Lots of leaves, something, something...&quot; Very inspiring. But in the end, every leaf falls and ''dies'' alone.'''
**Who: Mandrake
**Source: ''[[Epic (film)|Epic]]'' (2013)
**Note: He gets beaten by Ronin and Nod when they work together, using their swords to push him out of the queen's castle. The gust of wind pushes him to a piece of sap or tar, imprisoning him. His magical staff was with him when he was covered with the tar, so it is unclear if he will escape or not. It is assumed that he would never escape, as his fate was presumably sealed to death.

*'''Lollipop?'''
**Who: Big Boss
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]''
**Notes: After being knocked down by Nigel, he finds himself face to face with a giant boa. Later, the boa, now with a full belly the size of a human (revealing that he was eaten alive), spits out the lollipop.

*'''Okay, it's time.''' ['''Young Ferdinand:''' You're gonna come back, right?] What? That matador doesn't stand a chance, okay? ['''Young Ferdinand:''' Okay.] '''And after I win, I'm coming back here, and I'm gonna show you all my moves. Even my secret ones.'''
**Who: Raf
**Source: ''[[Ferdinand (film)|Ferdinand]]'' (2017)
**Note: He promises his son to return and show him all his secret moves. He bids farewell to Ferdinand and boards the truck to the Plaza. Unfortunately, Raf loses the fight and is killed. Later, his horns and photograph are framed up on the wall in Moreno's house along with the rest of the previous bulls who thought they had a chance in the ring, a fact Ferdinand would eventually discover when he was all grown-up after that.

===Bleach films===
====Bleach: Memories of Nobody====
*It's too late, little girl! Goodbye!
**Who: Benin
**Notes: The female member of the Dark Ones. She engages Sui-Feng in battle and almost strangles her saying this. However, Sui-Feng breaks free and hits her with Suzumebachi, disintegrating the female Dark One.

*What the...?
**Who: Mue
**Notes: One of the Dark Ones, who can use shurikens and a detachable sword. When Kenpachi finds his hiding spot, Mue says this in shock, leading to a chase around the trees. He almost blows up Kenpachi, but the Squad 11 Captain cuts Mue open.

*I can't believe he still has that kind of power left. ''(sees his rocket pack frozen)'' What's happening? NO!
**Who: Riyan
**Notes: One of the Dark Ones armed with a rocket launcher pack. As he fights Toshiro Hitsugaya, Riyan is surprised and horrified at the Daiguren Hyorinmaru dragon and at his rocketpack being frozen. The dragon then crushes him to death.

*What the hell?!
**Who: Bau
**Notes: One of the Dark Ones armed with kanabo clubs. He seemed to succeed in defeating Hihio Zabimaru, but becomes dumbstruck when it reforms. Renji informs him &quot;My Zanpakuto's tougher than you think. And underestimating my power is going to be your LAST MISTAKE!&quot; then uses Zabimaru to smash the snake into Bau, killing him as the ground crumbles.

*I told you, you can't escape!
**Who: Jai
**Notes: One of the Dark Ones who can duplicate his chakrams and his body. Showing his body duplication, he says this to Rukia and prepares to kill her but Byakuya arrives using Senbonzakura Kageyoshi to destroy Jai completely.

*Come on!
**Who: Ganryu
**Notes: The leader of the Dark Ones who was once a Ryudoji clan member. On his final battle with Ichigo in the Valley of Screams, he charges his energy saying this and charges through. When the dust settled, Ganryu is wiped out of existence.

*I feel warm... Ichigo, will we ever meet again?
**Who: Senna
**Notes: A shinigami who befriended Ichigo in Karakura town. We latter learn that she was already dead. After saving both the Spirit and Human worlds from destruction by returning the memories to the Blanks, she fades away asking this to Ichigo who assure he will.

====Bleach: Fade to Black====
*Time to say goodbye, Rukia...
**Who: Homura
**Notes: One of the Soul Children who befriended Rukia and were possessed by a Hollow from years ago with teleportation abilities. After she and her brother, Shizuku are defeated, Rukia remembers their names and Homura bids a final fond farewell to Rukia and dies peacefully.

*My sister, Homura... Thank you...
**Who: Shizuku
**Notes: Shizuku's younger brother and one of the special teleportation siblings who wiped the memories of everyone in the Soul Society. After being defeated, Rukia remembers his name and he thanks his sister before dying.

===City Hunter films===
====City Hunter .357 Magnum====
*Protect it! Protect ME, damn it!
**Who: Mr. Kihliman
**Note: A man who gets his suitcase stolen at the beginning. He pleads this to Saeko (Sandra in the English dub) but his shot in the head.

*Damn EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU TO HELL!
**Who: Gunther
**Note: A blonde henchman. Having been defeated by Ryo Saeba, he loses the will to live and pulls a grenade cursing this before the grenade detonates killing him and destroying the manor house.

===Don Bluth animated films===
*'''Courage of the heart is very rare. The Stone has a power when it's there.'''
**Who: Nicodemus
**Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]''
**Note: Mrs. Brisby hears this line from what appears to be Nicodemus' spirit via the magic amulet he gave her; he had said the same thing to her earlier in the film.

*'''Justin! Justin! My sword!'''
**Who: Sullivan
**Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]''
**Note: Character throws Justin his sword so he can fight Jenner after turning on the latter. Jenner retaliates by fatally slashing him across the chest with his sword and he dies not long afterward.

*'''I've learned this much: take what you can, when you can!'''
**Who: Jenner
**Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]''
**Note: Character admits having murdered Nicodemus while fighting Justin, to whom the above line is spoken. Justin retorts &quot;Then you've learned nothing!&quot; and stabs him. Jenner then tries to kill Justin while his back is turned, but is himself killed when an also-dying Sullivan throws a dagger into his back.

*'''Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.'''
**Who: Littlefoot's mother
**Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]''
**Note: Character was badly injured by a Sharptooth and an earthquake earlier. She says this to her son and dies shortly after.

*'''So you see, Charlie, the story has a happy ending. I keep the girl and make a fortune and you...you get to go to heaven! You don't wanna go to heaven, Charlie?'''
**Who: Carface Carruthers
**Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]''
**Note: Character is preparing to drown Charlie, who his thugs have tied to an anchor. As he taunts Charlie with the above line, King Gator attacks his lair and subsequently eats him. He is later seen in heaven, telling Annabelle to &quot;shut up&quot; as she tries to prevent him from winding his life-watch.

*'''Charlie...'''
**Who: The Hellhound
**Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]''
**Note: After being banished to Hell following his second death, Charlie's spirit comes to say goodbye to Anne-Marie, accompanied by the monstrous Hellhound from a nightmare he had earlier. The Hellhound beckons Charlie with the above line, but then Annabelle, the Whippet Angel dog, appears as a ball of blue light; as she approaches Charlie, the Hellhound's image disintegrates.

*'''Yeah...I love you too.'''
**Who: Charlie B. Barkin
**Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]''
**Note: Charlie says this to Anne-Marie before returning to heaven. He had previously forsaken his place there, but earned it back by sacrificing himself to save Anne-Marie. At the end of the film, while in heaven, he tells the audience, &quot;He'll be back&quot;, referring to Carface.

*'''The King! He's gone, and I'm RUINED!!'''
**Who: Pinky
**Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]''

*'''Hunch, it's me, Uncle Dukey.''' ''['''Hunch:''' Uncle Dukey? Hm, hm, hm. Come here.]'' '''Hunch, no!''' ''['''Hunch:''' Ha ha ha! Animation, it's music to my ears! Hold still, you little twerp! Aggravation! Abomination! Alienation! Ha ha ha! Oh, imagination! Anticipation! Multiplication! Wow!]''
**Who: The Grand Duke of Owls
**Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]''

*'''AHHHHHHHH!! HA, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! It is...''DONE''.'''
**Who: Queen Gnorga
**Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]''

*'''Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!'''
**Who: King Llort
**Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]''

*'''Fairy prince?! No!''' ''['''Berkley Beetle:''' Aah!]'' '''You killed him.''' ''['''Berkley Beetle:''' Wha!]''
**Who: Grundel
**Source: ''[[w:Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]''
**Note: Grundel says this to Berkeley Beetle as soon as they see Prince Cornelius alive and in the flesh. After knocking Beetle out with one fist to his head, Grundel takes a torch as he prepares to kill the fairy prince and eventually falls into a pit taking Cornelius with him. During the credits, it is revealed that Grundel survived the fall with a broken leg and married a female toad.

*'''Say your prayers, you fool! Ooh? AAAAHHHHH!!'''
**Who: Drake
**Source: ''[[The Pebble and the Penguin]]''
**Note: Character says this to Hubie, shortly before being crushed to death beneath the rubble of his collapsing lair.

*'''Confident? Ha! You are a traitor! Get out!'''
* '''Yes. Jump! The Romanov &quot;CURSE!!!&quot; JUMP!! JUMP!!!!'''
**Who: Tsar Nicolas II
**Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]''
**Note: Said to Rasputin, who curses the Tsar and his family, who are all killed, except for Anastasia herself, in the Russian Revolution.

*''['''Anastasia:''' This is for Dimitri!]'' '''Give it back!''' ''['''Anastasia:''' This is for my family!]'' '''I'll tear you to pieces!''' ''['''Anastasia:''' And this...this is for you!]'' '''No!'''  ''['''Anastasia:''' Do svidanya!]''
**Who: Grigori Rasputin
**Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]''
**Note: After this exchange, Anastasia destroys Rasputin's magical reliquary, to which his soul is linked.  The demons inside of it then reduce Rasputin to a writhing skeleton that swiftly disintegrates, and the dust that remains is blown away by the wind.

*'''People of Moscow! My people!''' ''[Burps]'' '''Oh, my goodness...'''
**Who: Ludmilla
**Source: ''Bartok the Magnificent''
**Notes: After Ludmilla drinks Baba Yaga's magic potion up, and then turns into a fire-breathing dragon during the musical number, &quot;The Real Ludmilla&quot;, she accidentally scares Prince Ivan's royal subjects in the process, only to belch out fire onto a nearby carpet she is standing on, leaving behind a hole in it. Seeing her reflection, she gasps in shock, then goes into a savage rage and terrorizes Moscow.

*'''Uh... They went down through there?''' ''[Drej Soldier blasts him into bits]'' '''Oh, bullseye!'''
**Who: Cook
**Source: ''[[Titan AE]]''
**Notes: When Cale and Korso escaped from the Drej by going through a secret tunnel, thereby accidentally leaving Cook behind in the process, the Drej demands Cook to know where Cale and Korso went, and then destroys Cook after he answers them, to which he utters his last words from his moving lips and teeth that falls into the remains of his body.

*'''Hide and seek, is it? Or should we play &quot;Search and DESTROY?!&quot;'''
**Who: Preed
**Source: ''[[Titan AE]]''
**Notes: Shortly after saying this, the character is killed by Korso for his treachery.

*'''Go. It's better this way.'''
**Who: Joseph Korso
**Source: ''[[Titan AE]]''
**Notes: Korso says this to Cale while sacrificing his life to save humanity.

===Dragon Ball films===
====Dragon Ball: Sleeping Princess in Devil's Castle====
*Visitors! Igor!
**Who: Lucifer
**Note: The demon who wants to use the Sleeping Princess jewel to power a cannon that will destroy the sun. He says this to Igor to deal with Goku and his friends, then engages in a brief fight before attempting to fire his cannon. But Goku stops the cannon from hitting the sun, and the cannon instead vaporizes Lucifer.

====Dragon Ball: Mystical Adventure====
*Still as stone.
**Who: Lieutenant Blue
**Notes: A lieutenant in the Mifan Empire. Upon making an excuse, he has no choice but to fight Tao. He attempts his telekinesis and thinks he succeeded, but General Tao uses his tongue to pierce the pressure point on his head and kill him.

*I don't have it, and neither does my son!!
**Who: Bora
**Notes: Upa's father who joined Chiaotzu's tournament to gain an audience. Tao interrogates him if he has a Dragon Ball on him, but Bora gives this answer. As a result, Tao throws him into a statue's spear, impaling him.

*Barbecued kids!
**Who: General Tao
**Notes: Chasing Goku to Penguin Village to get the Dragon Ball for Master Shen, he attempts to make a get away whilst shooting missiles at Arale and Goku. He says this, but the missiles are deflected and Tao is blown up.

====Dragon Ball Z: Bardock The Father of Goku====
*See the horror of your end, just like we had too!
**Who: Toolo
**Note: The sole surviving Kanassan who gave Bardock the ability to the see the future, Toolo tells him he gave him this power so he would watch the death of the Saiyans, then is vaporized by Bardock.

*Don't you dare die, Bardock!
**Who: Fasha
**Note: One of Bardock's troupe. Seeing her commander lose consciousness from Toolo's final warning, she says this trying to keep Bardock alive. She says nothing as she is sent on a mission to Planet Meat. When the unseen mission is completed, Fasha is killed by Dodoria's henchmen.

*Good... luck... old friend... I'm sorry, that I... ugh... can't...
**Who: Tora
**Note: One of Bardock's troupe. After being betrayed and mortally wounded by Dodoria out of fear the Saiyans will get stronger than Frieza, Tora in his dying breaths bids Bardock this.

*Yes... I see now... It's you my son... You will be the one who will defeat Frieza... KAKAROOOOOOOOOT!
*Kakarot, my son. Thank you for helping me. You were right. It wasn't too late. I wish I could've held you in my arms when I had the chance. Goodbye my son.
**Who: Bardock
**Note: The biological father of Goku who hoped to change the fate of Planet Vegeta by avenging all killed in Frieza's name. However, Frieza forms a Supernova ball and sends it crashing into Planet Vegeta vaporizing Bardock as well as all the Saiyans on Planet Vegeta. Before Bardock, he foresees that Kakarot who would become Goku would be the one to end Frieza's reign of terror. Goku hears Bardock's words in his mind as he nears Earth.

====''Dragon Ball Z: The Dead Zone''====
*Tutti-frutti!
**Who: Nicky
**Note: One of Garlic Jr.'s henchmen. While first fighting Goku, he shouts this, then says nothing else whilst continuing his fight. LAter, Goku knocks him out with his power pole, then vaporizes him with a Kamehameha.

*Grace! That kid's loose!
**Who: Ginger
**Note: One of Garlic Jr.'s henchmen. He spots Gohan urinating on Krillin's head and yells this. He then engages Goku in a fight with blades from his body and a blast much like the Kamehameha. But Goku blasts him with his Kamehameha. In the rubble, Ginger twitches before dying of his injuries.

*HE'S A MONSTER!
**Who: Sansho
**Note: One of Garlic Jr.'s henchmen. While fighting Piccolo, he is blown into a wall and calls him that. Piccolo replies &quot;You and your pals are nothing but talk.&quot; then shoots a ki blast that vaporizes Sansho.

*I'll show you real power!
*They haven't beaten me! I cannot die! I've been given immortality!
**Who: Garlic Jr.
**Notes: The Makyan who wanted to usurp Kami as ruler of the Earth. As he tries to suck the heroes into the Dead Zone, he says this while trying to suck Gohan in, but the boy sends a powerful blast of energy to knock Garlic Jr.. in instead. He then thinks the latter because he'll live for all time.

====Dragon Ball Z: The World's Strongest====
*What?!
**Who: Ebifurya
**Note: Says this as he witnesses Goku breaking out of his &quot;icy grave&quot; that he was going to seal him in, just before he punches him right into a wall, killing him instantly.

*Dr. Wheelo, help me!
**Who: Dr. Kochin
**Note: Said as he was falling to his demise while at the same time his skin melted away, revealing his robotic form just before exploding.

*DAMN YOU, GOKU...!
**Who: Dr. Wheelo
**Note: Says this just before being blasted away by Goku's Spirit Bomb.

====Dragon Ball Z: The Tree of Might====
*We expected more from all of you.
**Who: Daiz
**Notes: A Kabochan henchman of Turles. Preparing to fight Goku, he says this knowing the Z Fighters were worthless. But then later, Goku punches Daiz so hard it fatally cracks his skull.

*Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
**Who: Amond
**Notes: A large human-like alien in service to the Turles Crusher Corps, he expects Goku to shut up, but during his fight, Goku lands a bonecrushing knee-kick to his stomach, killing Amond instantly.

*You and your pathetic Earth friends are defeated, Kakarot. The Earth is a barren wasteland.
*So Kakarot, you're still alive?
*Not you again! How did ''this'' happen?
**Notes: The first line is from the 1997 Saban dub, knowing the Earth has become a dead place. In the 1998 Pioneer dub and 2006 Funimation dubs, he is shocked to find Goku still standing and is destroyed by the Spirit Bomb along with the misused Tree of Might.

====Dragon Ball Z: Lord Slug====
*Hold on. Hold on! Please, please don't kill me! You're strong, but you can't beat Lord Slug. So, why not join him while you can? Huh? E-Excellent. I see you want to live, huh. You won't be sorry. It's the smart thing to do... uh? Hey!
**Who: Wings
**Notes: Beaten by Piccolo, Wings tries to get the Namekian to join Lord Slug, but is head is blown clean off.

*My stars! You fool! My babies are gonna love you!
**Who: Medamatcha
**Notes: Angered by Goku's skill, Medamatcha then tries to release his Medas onto Goku, and suck his energy, but Goku uses a single punch to break Medamatcha's spine, killing him instantly.

*You... you're ''dead!''
**Who: Angila
**Notes: Seeing Goku kill Medamatcha, Angila tries to blast a Mouth Energy Wave at the Saiyan, but Goku makes the minion of Slug eat the black and blow his head off.

*WHAT?!!
**Who: Lord Slug
**Notes: The titular Namekian villain, Lord Slug, near death tries to finish Goku who's borrowing energy from the sun, only to be met with a Spirit Bomb and blown apart along with his ship.

====Dragon Ball Z: Cooler's Revenge====
*Why didn't he die like the rest of them [the Saiyan race]?! [He remembers when he let a baby Goku go because of a slip-up by his brother, Frieza] ...''I'' let him go ''...I let him go...! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!''
**Who: [[w:Coola|Cooler]]
**Notes: Said as character is being burnt alive on the surface of the Sun, holding a giant energy blast which finally explodes, &quot;killing&quot; him. However, his dead body was recovered by a machine, and he was resurrected while being integrated into the machine.

*You lose, suckers! Now, die!!
**Who: Salza
**Notes: After Cooler is blasted into the sun, Salza gets up for one final attempt on the Z Fighter's lives, but Piccolo pierces him with a Special Beam Cannon.

====Dragon Ball Z: Return of Cooler====
*It's just as I told you from the start. You can't win!
**Who: Meta-Cooler
**Notes: With the Big Gete Star going into critical thanks to Super Saiyans Goku and Vegeta's energies, Cooler, now part of the Big Gete Star forms a large body to try and kill Goku. He gloats this, but even so, Goku shoots a powerful ki blast to completely destroy him and the star.

====Dragon Ball Z: Super Android 13====
*Okay, let's dance.
**Who: Android 15
**Note: A midget-looking android. As he fights Vegeta, he sips his drink then says this before continuing. They clash punches and it seems Vegeta is beaten, but when Android 15 laughs, his head falls off and into his own hands. He promptly explodes.

*GOKU MUST DIE! GOKU MUST DIE!
**Who: Android 13
**Note: A southern-themed Android, 13 absorbed the parts of hus destroyed Android comrades, 14 and 15, and assumed a super-powerful form. He is destroyed by Goku with a Spirit Bomb that obliterates him.

====Dragon Ball Z: Broly - The Legendary Super Saiyan====
*What kind of end to life is this??? Crushed by your own son﻿ who once saved your life!
*Perished at the hands of my own son, not that!! Why has destiny conspired against me so tragically???
*To be killed by one's own child - is this also the destiny of a Saiyan?
**Who: Paragus
**Note: Says this as he is crushed to death by Broly, his son. While Paragus tries to escape by using a Saiyan space pod, Broly sees this and crushes the pod with his bare hands, with Paragus inside. The first line is said at the English FUNimation dub, while the second line is from the British, &quot;Big Green&quot; dub. The third line is said in the original, Japanese version.

====Dragon Ball Z: Bojack Unbound====
*You fool! Any last words before you die?!
**Who: Bojack
**Notes: In the battle against Bojack, Gohan pierces his stomach. This causes the galactic villain to yell this to Gohan and attempts one final attack before he is vaporized by the Kamehameha.

====Dragon Ball Z: Broly - Second Coming====
*KAKAROT!!! ''GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!''
**Who: Broly
**Notes: Was hurled into the sun by a Family Kamehameha by Gohan, Goten, and the spirit of the deceased Goku.

====Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F'====
*Commander Sorbet, help meeeeeeeee!
**Who: Tagoma
**Notes: Attempting to talk Frieza into re-conquering the galaxy instead of hunting down the Super Saiyans who once killed the villain, Tagoma is telekinetically lifted to a window by Frieza, then blasted into the vacuum of space.

*DAMN YOU! GOKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...!
**Who: Frieza
**Notes: In the Resurrection 'F' movie, Frieza, once he's at the mercy of Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta, detonates Earth to kill him and everyone on Earth. This is prevented when Whis turns back time so Goku can finish off the evil tyrant. Frieza screams this line as he is being obliterated into smithereens by Goku's God Kamehameha wave attack.

===DreamWorks Animation films===
''See also [[Last words in DreamWorks Animation films]].''

===''Fullmetal Alchemist'' films===
====''[[w:Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shambala|Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shambala]]''====
*Please, I just want to go home... where Mommy is. [Screams in agony.] NOW!
**Who: Wrath
**Note: Wrath has just ended a fight with a gigantic and mutated Gluttony by smashing his own automated arm into the center of an alchemic array. In doing so he has locked his arm in place so that Gluttony cannot pull Wrath away. As Gluttony begins crushing Wrath's torso with his jaws, Wrath pleads with Alphonse to use him and Gluttony as an alchemical sacrifice. In The Gate, he is reunited with his mother and fades into a Portal of Truth

*Give Al... my regards.
**Who: Hohenheim Elric
**Note: Character offers his life to open a portal between worlds. He ends his own life by causing envy, now mutated into a giant dragon, to bite down on him, opening the portal.

*We're real, Edward. Not just one of your dreams, like your father. I care, and I make mistakes. I may not live much longer, but i'll still be here. just don't forget me.
**Who: Alphonse Heimlech
*Note: The character is dying of TB, and has built huge rocket planes for the Thule Society to make his mark on the world. He regrets his actions when Eckart shoots Edward, and places him in a small rocket plane to stop them. He is shot by one of his Nazi overlords and dies soon after. The Gypsy Noah dances at his funeral.

*Open it again... The doorway... we must destroy it... sham... balla...
**Who: &quot;Chairman&quot; Eckart
**Notes: The character has become utterly encased in trandimensional matter, which forms around her in an apparatus resembling a pressure suit. She is shot and killed by one of her colleagues. The character had a nasty habit of shooting people she didn't need any more, so her death is poetic justice.

====''[[w:Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos|Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos]]''====
*Damn you. I've come so far.
**Who: Melvin Voyager/Security Chief Atlas
**Note: Using Ashleigh Crichton's stolen face, Atlas is confronting the man who he thought he killed, Ashleigh Crichton, who's face had been disfigured, and is living under the Colonel Hershel identity. Taking revenge, Ashleigh blows up Atlas's face using alchemy.

===''Gundam'' films===
====''[[Mobile Suit Gundam: Char's Counterattack]]'' (1988)====
*What?! An enemy?!
**Who: Adenaur Paraya
**Notes: In the heat of battle, Adenaur attempts to issue evacuation, and spots an enemy Jagd Doga, which is being used by his daughter Quess. She destroys it, killing Adenaur and all the 

*What is this power? How could I have been hit?!
**Who: Rezin Schnyder
**Notes: Rezin attempts to make a solo run against the Ra Cailum but Chan Agi uses her Newtype Abilities to hit her Geara Doga hard. Rezin curses how she got a hit before being killed in her Mobile Suit's explosion.

*Don't worry about me!
**Who: Kayra Su
**Notes: Piloting the Re-GZ, Kayra is captured by Gyunei Guss as bait for Amuro and the Nu Gundam. Amuro ignores Gyunei's threats and as a result, the Neo Zeon pilot breaks Kayra's spine, killing her instantly.

*CHAN! STOP!
**Who: Astonaige Medoz
**Notes: Trying to stop Chan Agi from using Re-GZ, Astonaige is killed by laser fire.

*Funnels won't last for long! Quess, stop it! (Amuro takes Gyunei by surprise) What?
**Who: Gyunei Guss
**Notes: As Gyunei and the Alpha Azieru attempt to take on Amuro, the former believes the Funnels won't last long, until Amuro gives a direct laser hit that kills the Neo Zeon pilot, who had wanted Quess to himself.

*We're gonna get hit! GET BACK, HATHAWAY!
**Who: Quess Paraya
**Notes: Despite Hathaway's attempts to sway her, Quess takes a direct hit from the Re-GZ missile in her Alpha Azieru Mobile Armor and dies.

*HATHAWAY!
**Who: Chan Agi
**Notes: As Chan Agi attempts to warn Hathaway about Quess, Hathaway angrily fires his Jegan's rifle at her in a blind rage, killing her, and ignites her Psycoframe.

*Lalah Sune was a young woman, who may very well have become a mother to me. You took away her life, so don't you dare judge me!
**Who: Char Aznable
**Notes: Whilst Amuro attempts to push the rear of Axis away from Earth, Char tells of how humans may eventually ruin the Earth. He then reminds Amuro of how he thought of Lalah Sune as a mother to him, just as the Psycoframes destroy both him and Amuro.

*Your MOTHER?!
**Who: Amuro Ray
**Notes: Char Anzable taunts Amuro Rey as the Nu Gundam attempts to stop Axis from hitting Earth. When Char tells Amuro that he thought of Lalah Sune as a mother, Amuro's anger caused Nu Gundam's Psychoframe to overload and destroy the Gundam, stopping Axis' fall in the process.

====''[[w:Mobile Suit Gundam F91|Mobile Suit Gundam F91]]''====
*You know, I think I did a good job raising you and Reese. UGH! I did a... good...
**Who: Leslie Arno
**Notes: A construction worker and Seabook and Reese's father. Gravely wounded by Annamarie's gunfire, he and his son escape Frontier IV. Before dying of his injuries, Leslie admits he did a fine job at raising his children.

*No! Not now!
**Who: Theo Fairchild
**Notes: A Frontier IV baker and Cecily's stepfather. He was actually an agent of the Ronah family. While escorting Nadia Ronah down a hallway, he tries to stop her with this. After Nadia and Carozzo's argument, Theo has a heart attack and dies.

*How can you justify killing for the sake of a fake royal name?!
**Who: Annamarie Bourget
**Notes: A former Crossbone Vanguard pilot who turned to Seabook's crew. While fighting Zabine Chareux in her Dahgi Iris, she question how he would kill for the Ronah family name. Zabine using a black Den'an Gei, breaks her Mobile Suit's beam rifle then answers &quot;If we die together, will that put an end to your resentment?&quot; then riddles her and her cockpit with vulcan cannon fire. As she dies, Zabine reminds her &quot;I always taught you that people, can't deal with their passions are trash.&quot;

*DAMN, STUPID... PIECE OF...!
**Who: Birgit Pirjo
**Notes: An Earth Federation cadet using a Heavygun Mobile Suit. While attempting to stave off the Crossbone Vanguard's Bug drone attack on Frontier I, he becomes overwhelmed saying this. The Bugs cripple his Mobile Suit and he dies in the explosion.

*I can't make such a decision of my own accord. ''(Zabine:I see, but those who work directly under Iron Mask are not the only ones who can act as they see fit.)'' ZABI...!
**Who: Gillet Krueger
**Notes: The Zamouth Garr battleship commander. He rejects Zabine's questioning about the Rafflesia Mobile Armor. As a result, Zabine shoots Gillet in the head and continues &quot;About the Rafflesia, if I didn't know about it, then you can be sure neither it Meitzer.&quot; while Gillet's corpse drifts into the vacuum of space.

*Is he a monster!?
**Who: Carozzo &quot;Iron Mask&quot; Ronah
**Notes: The Crossbone Vanguard's commander and Cecily Fairchild/Berah Ronah's biological father. After throwing Cecil adrift in space, he engages Seabook Arno's Gunfam F91 Mobile Suit using the Rafflesia Mobile Armor. In the final moments of their duel, Carozzo is surprised by the Mobile Suit's afterimages and Seabook's abilities and is tricked into firing on his own cockpit, killing him instantly.

===''The Land Before Time'' films===
====''[[w:The Land Before Time (1988 film)|The Land Before Time]]''====
*Littlefoot, let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
**Who: Littlefoot's Mother
**Source: The Land Before Time (1988)
**Note: She dies after being bitten by a Sharptooth during the earthquake.

====''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]''====
*Gotcha! You, I liked much better as an egg. What the--?! AAAAAAAHHH!!
**Who: Ozzy and Strut
**Source: The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure (1994)
**Note: They said this before being chased away by Chomper's parents.

===''Lupin the 3rd'' films===
====''[[w:The Mystery of Mamo|The Mystery of Mamo]]''====
*Huh? What the hell?!
**Who: Flinch
**Notes: Mamo's top henchman. While dueling Goemon at a cliffside, the two clash, with the former's sword breaking, and Flinch's head being cut apart. He cries this before falling into the ocean.

*Somewhere, close by, or in the furthest reaches of this or some other galaxy, the secret of immortality has been revealed. I will absorb it, and then return to this planet to reign in perpetuity as its ONE TRUE GOD!
**Who: Mamo
**Notes: A man who had sought immortality using a number of clones, mainly of himself and Lupin to commit a string of robberies. Now reduced to a brain, he hopes to leave to find the secret of immortality. But Lupin plants a bomb on the rocket. Minutes after leaving the atmosphere, the bomb detonates, making Mamo's brain drift into the sun, burning him up.

*Kill, kill, kill! Let's see kickass collateral damage now, you guys!
**Who: Gordon
**Notes: A CIA agent. He is killed by American missiles at a US base offscreen.

====''[[w:The Castle of Cagliostro|The Castle of Cagliostro]]''====
*Let me... GO!
**Who: Count Lazare d'Cagliostro
**Notes: The corrupt and greedy count of the Cagliostro family behind the counterfeit money scheme. As he fights Lupin at the clock tower, he yells this trying to knock Clarisse into the water. He then laughs evilly, activating the tower's mechanism that would reveal the treasure. This results in the clock's hands moving up to midnight, crushing Count Cagliostro to death.

====''The First''====
*Führer...
**Who: Gerald
**Notes: A neo-Nazi who wanted to uncover a treasure mentioned in Bresson's Diary that could revive the Third Reich. After Lupin triggered a black hole in a treasure called the Eclipse, Gerald and Lupin fought man-to-man on top of a plane. The former didn't care about dying as long as he could kill the latter first. After Gerald tried to strangle him, Lupin kicked Gerald in the groin and sent him flying towards the miniature black hole. Lupin tried to save him, but failed, and watched in horror as Gerald fell to his demise inside the black hole.

===''My Little Pony'' films===
====My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Legend of Everfree====
*You will never control me! I will always be a part of you!
**Who: Midnight Sparkle
**Notes: She tries to haunt Twilight and take control of her, but is destroyed when Twilight embraces the Magic of Friendship within her.
====My Little Pony: The Movie (2017)====
*The staff belongs to me! NO! THAT'S MY STAFF! MINE! MINE!!! Oh, no, NOOO!
**Who: Storm King
**Notes: He tries to get the Staff of Sacanas, but gets sucked into the storm along with Twilight. Also, as he tries to turn Twilight and her friends to stone, Tempest Shadow jumps in and they both turn into stone. The Storm King's body falls off the balcony and shatters to pieces, but Tempest is saved by Twilight.
===''Naruto'' films===
====''[[w:Naruto the Movie: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow|Naruto the Movie: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow]]''====
*Come on! Don't make me laugh!
**Who: Mizore Fuyukuma
**Notes: One of Dotō's Three-Man-Team, he brushes off Sakura's techniques and was hit by Sakura Blizzard Jutsu leaving him colliding with Fubuki who's chakra armor reacts badly to his and they both blow up.

*You're dealing with the ninja of the snow here! It'll take more than that to bring us down!
**Who: Fubuki Kakuyoku
**Notes: One of Dotō's Three-Man-Team, while fighting Sasuke, she says this to her opponent but Sasuke replies &quot;You're probably right!&quot; then uses Lion's Barrage to send her crashing into Mizore and their chakra armors react making them blow up, killing them both.

*Almost had me there. ''(an avalanche knocks him and Kakashi off the cliff)'' What?!
**Who: Nadare Rōga
**Notes: One of Dotō's Three-Man-Team, as he fought Kakashi, he brushed off a hit to his armor. But then an avalanche knocked him and Kakashi off, then the latter gripped onto him and told him he relied too much on his armor and used taijutsu to slam him headfirst into the rocks below, breaking his neck and killing him.

*It's over... This ridiculous little farce is OVER!
**Who: Dotō Kazahana.
**Notes: The usurper of the Land of Snow. Dotō seemingly kills Naruto with his Twin Dragon Blizzard and believes he's won, until Naruto points out every story needs to have a happy ending, then blasts him with a Seven-Coloured Rasengan sending him crashing into his Generator Wall and killing him instantly.

====''[[w:Naruto the Movie: Legend of the Stone of Gelel|Naruto the Movie: Legend of the Stone of Gelel]]''====
*You're no match for me!
**Who: Ranke
**Notes: One of Haido's Knights, Ranke gloats this while trying to take down Gaara, but he counters her with the Sand Lightning Rods before finishing her with the Giant Sand Burial destroying her completely.

*I'll kill you!
**Who: Fugai
**Notes: One of Haido's Knights, fighting in her wolf form against Sakura, she howls for Sakura to come out of hiding, but her howling weakens some chimes that Sakura wired for detonation. She yells this as the chimes fall on her and detonate, blowing her up.

*Hey! Let me out! Let me out!
**Who: Kamira
**Notes: One of Haido's Knights, in her bat form, Kamira attempts to escape Shikamaru's trap, but is caught by Kankuro's Kuroari, and she cries this, but is sliced to pieces by the Secret Black Move: Iron Maiden 2 technique.

*That's not gonna work on ME! I'm... OH NO!
**Who: Haido
**Notes: The villain who sought to build a world without war even if it meant killing others and murdered Temujin's family. On his final fight with Naruto, the blonde-haired ninja pierces Haido with the Demon Fox and Gelel Rasengans. Haido first seems to taunt this but cries the latter in horror and it fatally pierce. He attempts to heal again, but dies.

====''[[w:Naruto the Movie: Guardians of the Crescent Moon Kingdom|Naruto the Movie: Guardians of the Crescent Moon Kingdom]]''====
*I thank you... Michiru... I depend on you...
**Who: Kakeru Tsuki
**Notes: The former king of the Land of the Moon, Kakeru had been mortally wounded by Ishidate, one of Shabadaba's mercenaries. Before dying, he passes his throne to Michiru and thanks his son before passing on.

*PRINCE MICHIRU!
**Who: Korega
**Notes: The captain of the Land of the Moon's military, whilst fighting Ishidate, Korega is distracted by Michiru being endangered, and is turned to stone by Ishidate before being shattered to pieces with his own sword by Ishidate.

*No way!
**Who: Kongō
**Notes: One of the Wandering Ninja Clan members hired by Shabadaba, he first held the advantage in the rematch between him and Rock Lee. Somehow, Rock Lee recovered causing Kongō to say this. Rock Lee turned the tide by using the Fifth Gate and finishing Kongō with Reverse Lotus, sending him falling to his death through three floors.

*It's impossible! How!?
**Who: Karenbana
**Notes: One of the Wandering Ninja Clan members hired by Shabadaba, Karenbana at first seems like she would win against Sakura. but Sakura recovers, making her say this. Karenbana then tries her genjutsu again, but Sakura sees her coming and uses her chakra-infused punch to fatally send her flying into a wall, destroying every bone in Karenbana's body. Sakura then gloats &quot;Too bad, you forgot to watch your step!&quot;

*ISHIDATE, YOU WILL OBEY ME!
**Who: Shabadaba
**Notes: The Land of the Moon minister trying to usurp the throne. During the final battle, Shabadaba tries to remind his cohort Ishidate of his mission to murder Michiru. However, Ishidate turns him surprisingly into a statue that is then destroyed by the force of Ishidate flying into his boss.

*Now to... FINISH THIS GAME!
**Who: Ishidate
**Notes: The leader of the Wandering Ninja Clan hired by Shabadaba. In the final battle, Ishidate turns his boss to stone then prepares to charge his gauntlet for one last jutsu, but is distracted by Kiki and Chamu. Naruto successfully kills him with the Crescent Moon Rasengan.

====''[[w:Naruto Shippuden the Movie|Naruto Shippuden the Movie]]''====
*Taruho... Take care of... Lady... Shion...
**Who: Susuki
**Notes: One of Shion's bodyguards in the Land of Ogres, he hoped to get Shion away from the demonic Gang of Four. Susuki blocked a barrage of ninja tools with his body and is mortally wounded. Before dying, he implores this to Taruho.

*Hey! You just ate something, didn't you?! ''(extends his arm out at Rock Lee who kicks a rock to him)'' What was-
**Who: Gitai
**Notes: One of the demonic Gang of Four who had the ability to turn into an Asura-like monster. He spots that Rock Lee was eating a  whiskey-laced chocolate and questioned it, but Rock Lee used Drunken Fist to pierce his defenses. With his transformation overloading, Gitai explodes. Kusuna is disappointed by his death.

*Shadow Mirror Body Transfer Art; A Jutsu passed down in the Land of Ogres. A kind of transformation... with no means of returning back.
**Who: Taruho
**Notes: One of Shion's bodyguards who used Shadow Mirror Body Transfer Art to make himself look like Shion permanently. He used her appearance to keep the Gang of Four away from Shion and is given a fatal Dark Medical Jutsu operation.

*Why isn't that... Chakra Prescription working...?
**Who: Kusuna
**Notes: The leader of the Gang of Four. With his henchmen losing their Dark Chakra fast, Neji took him by surprise with Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms, robbing him of his source of chakra. Before dying, he asks this to Neji who answers &quot;I was able to strike all of your chakra points, arresting the flow of your chakra.&quot;

*WHAT?!
**Who: Shizuku
**Notes: One of the Gang of Four. Despairing over the loss of Kusuna, he spots Sakura and is punched hard into a tree. He tried to get up, but the injuries were fatal and he died.

*SHIZUKU!
**Who: Setsuna
**Notes: With the rest of the Gang of Four weakened by Kusuna's loss, Setsuna cries this out to Shizuku and is bombarbed with kicks by Rock Lee, before being sent back down to the ground hard. A tree then crushes him to death.

*A barrier, well.
**Who: Yomi
**Notes: An evil medical-nin who had been possessed by the demon Mōryō. He spots that Shion intended to seal Mōryō away, but Mōryō pierces through him to get in the barrier.

*Now I see... Even your true power is heralded in that bell of yours!
**Who: Mōryō
**Notes: The demonic dragon who wanted to absorb Shion into himself and destroy the entire human world. When Shion wanted to resist him and use a suicidal technique, Mōryō knows her true power is in her bell. Then, Naruto frees Shion and the two use Naruto and Shion's Super Chakra Rasengan to vaporize the demon.

====''[[w:Naruto Shippuden the Movie: Bonds|Naruto Shippuden the Movie: Bonds]]''====
*Now that you kiddies have released the Zero-Tails from my control, I have no idea what will happen next!
**Who: Dr. Shinno
**Notes: As a false doctor who leads the Sky Ninja to spread chaos in order to awaken the Zero-Tailed Beast, Dr. Shinno is beaten by Naruto and Sasuke. The Zero-Tails then is spiraled out Shinno's control, and allows himself to die.

====''[[w:Naruto Shippuden the Movie: The Will of Fire|Naruto Shippuden the movie: The Will of Fire]]''====
*That's it?! ''(Rock Lee and Neji's combo attack breaks through Ichi's snakes.)'' WHAT?!
**Who: Ichi
**Notes: One of Hiruko's followers who can use snakes like weapons. As he is fighting Team Guy, he gloats this while trying to unleash his snakes against Neji and Rock Lee, but the two use a combined attack to beat him. He is then used for San's Chimera Beast and eventually killed later on.

*You think I'll be held by a mere pitfall?! ''(Shino: &quot;Is my presence THAT hard to see?&quot; a swarm of insects appear in the pit around Ni)'' The bugs!
**Who: Ni
**Notes: One of Hiruko's followers who can use a Lion-Turtle and dog-like creatures. She believes Shino's plan won't work on her until he uses the beetle sphere on her to eat away at her skin. She is then used for San's Chimera Jutsu and later killed.

*Chimera Jutsu!
**Who: San
**Notes: One of Hiruko's followers with the ability to summon a bird-like creature. He merges with Ichi and Ni, saying this and becomes the ferocious Chimera Beast. After a hard fight, the Konoha 11 defeat the beast and in turn, kill San.

*Do you think... I could have... also had a bond... with my friend...?
**Who: Hiruko
**Notes: A missing-nin who wanted to assimilate all of the kekkei genkai to gain perfection. After he is defeated by the Wind Style: Rasen Shuriken, he has a final talk with Kakashi and question if he could've made bonds before dying.

====''[[w:Naruto Shippuden the Movie: The Lost Tower|Naruto Shippuden the Movie: The Lost Tower]]''====
*My plan... The Five Great Nations... This can't be happening, I was going to rewrite history! I won't... let it end like this! If I fall then so will you... ALL OF YOU WILL PERISH ALONG WITH THE LEY LINE!
**Who: Anrokuzan/Mukade
**Notes: A missing-nin from the Hidden Sand Village who hampered with the space-time continuum in the past to pose as the minister of Loran. With his plans ruined, Mukade/Anrokuzan self-destructs planning to melt down the Ley Line and kill everyone in the range.

====''[[w:Naruto the Movie: Blood Prison|Naruto the Movie: Blood Prison]]''====
*MUI!
**Who: Kazan
**Notes: A Hidden Hotsprings Village shinobi hired by Mui to carry out assassinations, Kazan had wanted to kill Mui personally. When Muku stabbed his own father, Kazan called out to his boss, rushed to attack Muku, but was bisected.

*My son...
**Who: Mui
**Notes: The master of Hozuki Castle and Muku's father. After Satori is defeated, Mui cries tears for his son, then Muku kills his father with Feather Launching.

*I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise to you... I wish I could have... Oh I wish I could have... lived here with you and father, together in peace...
**Who: Muku
**Notes: Mui's son who had become the demon Satori, Muku kills his father, then commits suicide with the Fire Style: Demon Lantern. He then apologizes to Ryuzetsu before he burns himself alive and seals Satori away.

*My name is Ryuzetsu, and I wish to offer my life. Naruto Uzumaki, you must live. This is a secret technique of my clan; Life Transference. I see this boy, Muku. He reminds me of you, when you were young. He's so small, and yet his spirit is immense. I have no doubt about Muku. This boy will be able to protect all the things that you and I wanted to protect. I'm glad I was able to see you once more at the end. Now, let me be your guiding light. Naruto, you must be the guiding light for your people, so that no one ever again gets lost, and has to feel such sorrow...
**Who: Ryuzetsu
**Notes: An ANBU from the Hidden Grass Village. In the aftermath of the battle with Satori, Ryuzetsu resurrects Naruto with the Life Transference and reminds him to be the guiding light of his friends. After this, she dies.

====''[[w:Boruto: Naruto the Movie|Boruto: Naruto the Movie]]''====
*Now, Lord Momoshiki. It seems the time has come to consume my chakra. Just as in the past, when my guardian entrusted me with their power, do not waiver.
**Who: Kinshiki Otsutsuki
**Notes: The father of Momoshiki who serves him, Kinshiki injures himself with a powerful blast to escape the Kage's captivity. He then implores his son to take his chakra and for him to not waiver. Momoshiki assures his father &quot;I won't!&quot; then turns him into a chakra pill to gain more power.

*Why you? What have you done to me?!
**Who: Momoshiki Otsutsuki
**Notes: A member of the Otsutsuki clan who sought to gain absolute power from a chakra fruit. He is dumbfounded when Boruto uses a shadow clone to distract him, but Boruto then vaporizes with a large Rasengan.

===''Neon Genesis Evangelion'' films===
====''[[w:The End of Evangelion|The End of Evangelion]]''====
*Kaji, my love. I did do the right thing, didn't I?
**Who: Misato Katuragi
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said after being mortally wounded by a gunshot, and before being killed by an explosion.

*I'll kill you... I'll kill you... I'll kill you...
**Who: Asuka Langley Soryu
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said before she and Evangelion Unit-02 are destroyed by the Mass Production Evangelions. She is revived at the very end of the film.

*You liar.
**Who: Ritsuko Akagi
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Responds to an unintelligable remark by Gendo Ikari, before he shoots and kills her.

*That's it, ladies. Our mission is a complete failure.
**Who: JSSDF soldier
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said at the start of the Third Impact.

*Ikari, did you also get to see Yui again?
**Who: Kozo Fuyutsuki
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said seeing a vision of Yui Ikari before being turned into LCL.

*Ritsuko! Ritsuko! Ritsuko!
**Who: Maya Ibuki
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said being embraced by a vision of Ritsuko Akagi, before being turned into LCL.

*The beginning and the end are one and the same. All is right with the world.
**Who: Keel Lorenz
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said before being turned into LCL.

*And so this is my retribution. Forgive me, Shinji.
**Who: Gendo Ikari
**Source: ''The End of Evangelion''
**Note: Said before his head if bitten off by a vision of Evangelion Unit-01.

===Pokémon films===
====Pokémon The First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back====
*We dreamed of creating the world's strongest Pokémon... and we succeeded.
**Who: Dr. Fuji
**Note: After Mewtwo is enraged that he is going to be treated like an experiment. He blows up the lab after the doctor says this line.

*You've got to stop this right now! STOP!
**Who: Ash Ketchum
**Note: Ash, seeing how the battle concerning clones and real Pokémon was horrifying, and how Mewtwo refused to see that they were all living creatures ran into the middle of the arena shouting this. Mewtwo and Mew, who were in battle had already fired attacks at each other, and Ash was caught in the crossfire. He turned to stone, but was resurrected when Pokémon tears restored him.

====Pokémon 3 the Movie – Spell of the Unown: Entei====
*And I will miss you. Just keep me close... in your dreams.
**Who: Entei
**Note: After defeating the uncontrollable Unown, Entei disappears while bidding farewell to Molly.

====Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew====
*Lucario, forgive me. Please understand. I had to seal you inside the staff. I knew if I didn't you'd follow me here and suffer the same fate. I only wish you could have known the real story. One day you will be released in a peaceful and more distant time. What would it be like? I wonder if-- I have no regrets. My journey has been good. I served a beautiful queen and you and I shared many adventures. Those memories will always be with me. Lucario, farewell. You were more to me than just my student. You are my closest friend. Who knows? It could be... one day... we will see each other again. I hope so, my friend.
**Who: Sir Aaron
**Note: Said through a message to Lucario using a time flower after restoring Mew's power and sacrificing himself.

*I have to go, Ash. Aaron is waiting for me.
**Who: Lucario
**Note: Lucario used his aura to save the Tree of Beginning but sacrificed himself in the process.

====Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai====
*STOP! This garden... is everyone's!
**Who: Darkrai
**Note: Said as it sacrificed itself to protect the town and everyone in it by battling Dialga and Palkia. After Palkia returned the town to the real world, Darkrai is shown to have been revived in the end.

====Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom &amp; Pokémon the Movie: Black—Victini and Reshiram====
*The Sword of the Vale must not be moved. If the Sword of the Vale is moved once more, the Dragon Force will be disturbed, and that could destroy our entire world... which means the castle should never be moved again.
**Who: King of the People of the Vale
**Note: After moving his castle to the cliff side, he said this line to Victini before dying.

====Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution====
*Creating the most powerful Pokémon in the world, it was our goal and ultimate dream!
**Who: Dr. Fuji
**Note: After Mewtwo is enraged that he is going to be treated like an experiment. He blows up the lab after the doctor says this line.

*Will you guys stop?! KNOCK IT OFF!
**Who: Ash Ketchum
**Note: Ash, seeing how the battle concerning clones and real Pokémon was horrifying, and how Mewtwo refused to see that they were all living creatures ran into the middle of the arena shouting this. Mewtwo and Mew, who were in battle had already fired attacks at each other, and Ash was caught in the crossfire. He turned to stone, but was resurrected when Pokémon tears restored him.

====Pokémon: Secrets of the Jungle====
*We erased it! ''(Dr. Zed: &quot;But why?!&quot;)'' It's to protect them!
**Who: Dr. Chrom Molybden
**Note: Chrom and his wife Rin were driving the car with their baby Al (Koko) while Dr. Zed was pursuing them. Zed ran them off the road and caused a fiery accident. They sent Al down a nearby river in a cradle to protect him. Dr. Zed stole their research on the Great Tree and left them perish when their wrecked car exploded.

*Will you please forgive us?
**Who: Dr. Rin Molybden
**Note: Rin and her husband Chrom were injured in the fiery car accident caused by Dr. Zed. They sent Al down a nearby river in a cradle to protect him. Dr. Zed stole their research on the Great Tree and left them perish when their wrecked car exploded.

===South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut===
*Terrance!
**Who: Philip
**Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut]]''
*Note: Said when Sheila Broflovski, in a misguided effort to &quot;protect&quot; children from Terrance and Philip's blue-collar comedy, shot the latter; they are later revived by Satan upon Kenny wishing for the world to be restored to normal.

*What have I done?
**Who: Guy who got paid by Sheila to lure Terrance and Philip into a trap.
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut''
*Note: Said when Terrance and Philip told that guy he laughed at the Terrance and Philip movie and the guy commits suicide by jumping out of a window and landed on a car.

*HA HA YOU MISSED ME!!
**Who: Baldwin brothers
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut''
*Note: Said when the Canadian air force bombed them. They missed one of them but another plane bombed the guy they missed.

*Nothing! HA HA HA!
**Who: Baldwin guy
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut''
*Note: Said before the Canadian air force bombed the Baldwins. They missed one of them but another plane bombed the guy they missed.

*WHAT!!
*Goodbye, you guys...
**Who: Kenny McCormick
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut''
*Note: The first quote is Kenny's reaction after a group of doctors operating on him replace his heart with a baked potato; he immediately dies and ends up in Hell. The second comes when, after Saddam Hussein is destroyed, Satan offers Kenny a wish of his choice; Kenny requests that the world to be restored to the point before the Mothers Against Canada waged war against the northern country, despite knowing that this will cause his own death. He then says goodbye to his best friends; his unselfishness is rewarded when he ascends to Heaven for choosing to restore others to life.

*La Resistance lives on.
**Who: The Mole
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut''
*Note: Those are the moles last words sung because Cartman didn't turn off the alarms thus the mole got torn up by attack dogs.

*Come on, you weak stupid cum-bucket, ''save me!''
**Who: Saddam Hussein
**Source: ''South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut''
**Note: This version of Saddam Hussein is physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward Satan. When Eric Cartman is attacking Hussein, the dictator commands Satan to protect him; the Prince of Darkness, having been bolstered by Kenny McCormick's counseling, instead rebels against his cruelty and finally breaks free of his abusive relationship by hurling Hussein back to Hell, where he is impaled on a stalagmite.

===Studio Ghibli films===
====''Castle in the Sky''====
*I can only say, &quot;Well done, Muska. You're a credit to our country.&quot; As such, you deserve this reward! 
**Who: General Muoro
**Note: The general who worked with Muska to find Laputa. After Muska awakens Laputa's power, Muoro realizes his colonel has gone crazy and attempts to &quot;reward&quot; him with a gunshot but it's a hologram. Muska then drops the general and his soldiers to their deaths.

*My eyes! I can't see! No! NOOOOOOOOO!
**Who: Colonel Muska/Romuska Palo Ur Laputa
**Note: A government agent who wanted to use Laputa's power for evil. As he demands the crystal amulet be given to him, Pazu and Sheeta instead say the spell of destruction. Its light blinds Muska as he says this before the structure he is standing on collapses and he falls to his death.

====''Pom Poko''====
*Fire burning brightly!... Water flowing swiftly!
**Who: Gyuobu Inugami
**Note: Gyobu is one of the Transformation Masters of Shikoku Island, brought to Tama Hills by Tamasaburo to help the tanuki there drive away the developers. He is actively involved in the plan Operation Specter, and creates many spectacular illusions of monsters, ghosts and gods that terrify and enchant the people of New Tama, although the latter effect was not what he had intended. He uses up so much mental energy that he has a heart attack and dies.

*Now!
**Who: Gonta Takagamori
**Note: A Tanuki who wants to destroy the humans moving into Tama Hills to avenge the destruction of his homeland, the Taka Woods. Increasingly frustrated by every failure to drive the humans out, Gonta rallies a small band and takes matters into his own hands. The army launches a kamikaze attack on the police and fights fiercely and bravely. Beaten but not discouraged, Gonta recovers and rallies his army once more. They fuse into a ''tsurube-otoshi'' and bounce onto a highway in an attempt to block traffic. They wreck car roofs and stand in the path of an uncoming truck. The truck runs through the fusion, splitting it in half, and Gonta and his peers are killed almost instantly.

*Well... I guess we're no match for the humans.
**Who: Red Army.
**Note: All the Tanuki involved in the above eco-terrorism attempt - except for Gonta - say this before dying.

====''Princess Mononoke''====

*Disgusting little creatures. Soon, all of you will feel my hate, and suffer as I have suffered.
**Who: Nago
**Note: A boar god who became a demon after being shot by Lady Eboshi, he goes on a rampage, and then is shot to death by an arrow from Ashitaka.

*Ashitaka, can you save the girl you love?
**Who: Moro
**Note: San's adoptive mother, a wolf god. She saves San from being consumed by Okkoto, who had turned into a demon. The Forest Spirit then comes and takes her life way.

===The Swan Princess films===
====''[[The Swan Princess]]''====
*(Derek: King William!) Derek… I… (Derek: Who did this?) It came so quickly… A Great… Animal. (Derek: Where is Odette?) Listen to me, Derek. It’s not what it seems. It’s not what it seems. (Derek: What’s not? Where is Odette?) Odette is… Odette is… Gone. (Derek: ODEEEEEEEEEEEETTE!!!)
**Who: King William
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess]]'' (1994)
**Note: King William was attacked by The Great Animal then dies of his injuries.
*No need to shout. (Derek: Don't let her die.) Is that a threat? (Derek: Don't you dare let her die!) Oh, it is a threat. (Derek: You're the only one with the power. Now, DO IT!) Only if you defeat… me.
**Who: Rothbart
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess]]'' (1994)
**Note: Rothbart turns into The Great Animal, and Prince Derek killed him by shooting an arrow into his heart and sent him plunging into Swan Lake, exploding on contact.

====''[[The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain]]''====
*Bye-bye, Birdie!
**Who: Knuckles 
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain]]'' (1997)
**Note: Before Derek cuts the rope holding the gondola up to swing on it and sent Knuckles falling into the lava.
*NOOOO!!!!!!!
**Who: Clavius
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain]]'' (1997) 
**Note: as the orb from the Forbidden Arts crashes onto the floor and causes the entire mountain to erupt massive amounts of molten lava. The eruption kills Clavius while Prince Derek, Princess Odette and the others escape using Clavius' hot air balloon. 

====''[[The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Kingdom]]''====
*Traitor! 
**Who: Zelda
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess III: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure]]'' (1998)
**Note: Before Prince Derek breaks her wand and pushes her into the fire trap she created to imprison Princess Odette in and destroyed her completely.

*Puffin!
**Who: Odette
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess III: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure]]'' (1998)
**Note: As Zelda sends out a Seeker spell to destroy Odette, Odette and Puffin escape. Odette gets tangled in vines and is hit by the spell. She is brought back to life when Derek burns the notes.

====''[[The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale]]''====
* Run, my girl! Run!
**Who: Alise's Father
**Source: ''[[The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale]]''
**Note:

===Warner Bros. animated films===
''See also [[Last words in Warner Bros. animated films]].''

===Rankin/Bass films===
*What's going on out there?!
**Who: Aaron's Father
**Source: The Little Drummer Boy (1968)

*You must run, my son! Escape! (Aaron: But--) Run!
**Who: Aaron's Mother
**Source: The Little Drummer Boy (1968)

*No... NOOOOO!! My... my powers are gone! When my scepter dies, I go too. I turn... I turn, turn...! I turn... into a... treeeeeeee.
**Who: Winterbolt
**Source: Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1979)

*THE LAAAAAAST!! I KNEW YOU WERE THE LAAAAAAAAAAAST!!! AAAAAAHH!!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
**Who: King Haggard
**Source: The Last Unicorn (1982)
**Note: As the Unicorn (Amalthea) and her new entire kind are destroying his castle after defeating the Red Bull that killed his adoptive son Prince Lir, King Haggard realizes she is the last one and shouts his words to her before he falls to the sea below.

===Anime films===

*Thank God.
**Who: Lastel
**Source: ''[[Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind|Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (film)]]''
**Note: Is mortally wounded after a Pejite refugee ship she's on crashes. She is found by Nausicaa and asks if the cargo the ship was carrying (the Giant Warrior) was burned. Nausicaa doesn't know about the giant warrior and assures her that everything has been destroyed.

*Obaba, quickly hide yourself.
**Who: King Jihl
**Source: ''[[Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind|Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (film)]]''
**Note: Shot by Tolmekian soldiers when he draws his sword on them.

*You son of a bitch!
**Who: Yamagata
**Source: ''[[Akira]]''
**Note: Says this as he confronts Tetsuo, who kills him off-screen.

*You bastard! You sold me out!
**Who: Nezu
**Source: ''Akira''
**Note: Character's last spoken words before dying of a heart attack in a later scene.

*Kei...
**Who: Ryu
**Source: ''Akira''
**Note: Says this as he is shot by Nezu; he later succumbs to his gunshot wounds.

*What's going on here? AAAHHH!!! Disappearing! It's disappearing! AAAAAHHHHH!!!
**Who: Doctor Onishi
**Source: ''Akira''
**Note: Says this as he is surprised that the power of Akira is unleashing power that destroys Neo-Tokyo, and then he is killed as his research laboratory is destroyed by the explosion.

*HELP ME!!!
**Who: Kaori
**Source: ''Akira''
**Note: Says this before she gets engulfed by Tetsuo from his abnormal mutations, and she gets violently crushed by Tetsuo's inner organs.

*That kid's the bait. It'll be our window when he's jumped...
**Who: Hell House Bike Gang Leader.
**Source: ''Bagi, The Monster of Mighty Nature''
**Note: Says this after sending Ryosuke to lure out the monster that attacked the Hell House gang the night before. Suddenly, the enigmatic Bagi bursts through the floor boards of her hideaway and presumably mauls the gang leader to death.

*No wait! I yield to the better man. Please have mercy on me-!
**Who: Bazuso
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc I - The Egg of the King
**Notes: Beaten in battle, Bazuso pleads this to Guts before he drives his sword into his brain.

*That fool. He's gonna fight us all by himself?! As he wishes. I'll trample him to dust!
**Who: Gien
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc I - The Egg of the King
**Notes: The commander of Chuder's Black Sheep Iron Lance Heavy Cavalry, Gien charges at Guts for charging alone, but is easily cut down along with his cavalry unit.

*I... know you! You're one of Griffith's... one of Griffith's... men...
**Who: Julius
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc I - The Egg of the King
**Who: After failing to assassinate Griffith on a hunting trip, Julius is confronted in his home by Guts and is cut open. He dies after recognizing his killer.

*Mmm, such pride. I wonder how proud you'll be after I have my way with you, right here in front of your own men? I'm going to show you the true joys of being a woman, and I'll start by tasting that sweet, soft skin of yours!
**Who: Adon Coborlwitz
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc II - The Battle for Doldrey
**Notes: Cornering Casca in the Doldrey castle, Adon believes he can pleasure the girl in front of her troops, but Casca takes his own sword and pierces him through the mouth.

*Now then, Captain of the RAIDEEEEEEERS!
**Who: Boscogn
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc II - The Battle for Doldrey
**Notes: On the field of Doldrey, Boscogn duels with Guts and just before he can deviler a fatal blow, Guts decapitates him.

*Oh! Griffith! I've waited so long! Come here. Let's have a loot at you, come closer! Oh ho ho ho! Those eyes. Your gaze is the same as it was that night. What's wrong? Why are you so quiet? We may be on opposite sides of the war, but not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, that I haven't looked for your shadow. Do you understand what I am trying to say? ''(Griffith moves back on his horse)'' Griffith? Huh? Uh, but that look, why? Don't tell me that you resent me, now, do you? ''(Griffith: I do not bare you any ill will, your grace. The fact is quite the opposite. For you see; By using you, I was able provide for hundreds of my subordinates, and they did not have to risk their lives on the battlefield. So you could argue that we all owe you our lives.)'' Griffith, but you're... ''(Griffith: For those soldiers who share my dream, there is only one thing I can do for them: And that is to keep on winning. Yes, that's why I will do whatever is needed. You were merely a stone lying by the side of the path I chose to travel. Nothing more, and nothing less.)'' Grr... YOU BASTARD!
**Who: Gennon
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc II - The Battle for Doldrey
**Notes: A Chuder commander who is also a pedophile who desired for Griffith. After Doldrey is taken, Gennon believes he can win Griffith over but is told he was used as a pawn for the capture of Doldrey. Angry at being used, Gennon tries to take his frustration out, but Griffith drives his sword into Gennon's eye, killing him instantly.

*Run while you still can. You need to survive!
**Who: Pippin
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc III - The Advent
**Notes: With the Band of the Hawk warped to the Interstice by Griffith, who planned to feed the Hawks to the God Hand to achieve godhood, Pippin attempts to buy time for Casca and Judeau to escape, but is overwhelmed and killed. His corpse is then eaten to catch Guts off guard.

*I'm dreaming. The whole thing, is just an awful nightmare. I'm probably just passed out at the pub again. Judeau? Pippin? Rickert? Please... wake me up! ''(spots a naked woman fondling herself)'' Ah ha, a woman in hell? On second thought. Don't wake me up just yet. ''(begins to fondle her, not knowing she's actually an Apostle)'' Goddamn. Why it that a guy like me? Oh shit!
**Who: Corkus
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc III - The Advent
**Notes: During the Eclipse, Corkus, injured by the Apostles begins to think it's all a bad dream, and spots a nude woman. He fondles and doesn't realize she's actually an apostle that eats his head.

*That's always been my problem. I'm all talk. ''(Casca: Take the strength your using to move your mouth and focus on moving your legs. You need to walk.)'' This is it. There are so many things I wanted to tell you. Me, a smooth talker.
**Who: Judeau
**Source: Berserk: Golden Age Arc III - The Advent
**Notes: Whilst protecting Casca, Judeau is injured by the Apostles. He admits he's more less help than Guts, before thinking of the things he wanted to tell Casca, and drawing his dying breath.

*Hikage...
**Who: Marou
**Source: Blood Reign: Curse of the Yoma, part 2: Marou with Crazy Fang
**Notes: A ninja who has transcended into a Yōma. After Hikage defeats him in his monstrous centaurian Yōma form, Marou is run through and slowly reverts to his human form. He says this and collapses dead on the spot. However, Kotone's ghost gives up her life-force to hope he will lead a better life anew.

*Press my reset button...
**Who: Lee Sampson
**Source: Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
**Notes: A computer hacker on the payroll of Vincent Volaju. When Vincent shows orbs containing nanomachines, he shoots the orb and infects Lee. When Faye tries to get him medical attention, Lee says this and dies of the nanomachines instantly.

*Elektra... Of the days that I had lived... Only those... I spent with you... seemed real.. Now that's over, I can see your face... so clearly...
**Who: Vincent Volaju
**Source: Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
**Notes: A former experimented soldier who fought on Titan. He tried to spread nanomachines to infect everyone on Mars. After he is mortally wounded by his lover Elektra, he admits there was no doorway to heaven. As Vincent dies, he accepts his love for her and that the days they spent together were real.

*This is our last meeting; So watch as your precious world is reduced to a scene of ruin and chaos.
**Who: Rebi Ra
**Source: Demon City Shinjuku
**Notes: The demonic swordsman, Rebi Ra says this thinking his victory for the demons is imminent when he intends to sacrifice Sayaka paving the way for the demons to enter the human world. Fortunately, Mephisto extricate Sayaka while Kyoya hits the villain with a powerful blast from his father Genichirou's weapon Izayoi, destroying Rebi Ra completely and avenging the father's death.

*Luca... Your mother, she's still alive... You need to... find her... You have to...
**Who: Pankraz
**Source: Dragon Quest: Your Story
**Notes: Luca's father. At the beginning of the story, Ladja burns Pankraz who is trying to save his son. Before dying, Pankraz says these to his son before collapsing dead.

*I can feel it! The entire continent is covered by a magic circle! Now you die, Fiore! ''(The Dragon Cry staff goes out of control)'' The staff! No, it can't be!
**Who: Zash Caine
**Source: Fairy Tail: Dragon Cry
**Notes: Character says this confident that with the Dragon Cry's power, he will obliterate Fiore, but it goes out of control and wipes him out completely.

*Sweet, Sonya. This is the first time I've seen your smile... It's beautiful...
**Who: Animus
**Source: Fairy Tail: Dragon Cry
**Notes: Character says this after his defeat and the Dragon Cry is destroyed. He says this in delight over Sonya smiling at him before ceasing to exist.

*Lord... Laocorn...!
**Who: Panne
**Source: Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture
**Notes: Said after Mai Shiranui fractures her rib cage with her Chou Hissatsu Shinobi Bachi move killing her instantly.

*With that much power out there, we were both going to die. If... If one of us is going to live, it should be the one... who can save Laocorn... Terry Bogard, you are the one who can save him... You must defeat him, for Sulia's sake... Please, Terry, you must...
**Who: Jamin
**Source: Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture
**Notes: Said after holding back his Moon Knuckle to allow Terry's Burn Knuckle to mortally wound him. After bidding Terry to save Laocorn from his thirst for godhood, he dies.

*I... I need to tell you... I...
**Who: Sulia Gaudeamus
**Source: Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture
**Notes: Character says this having sacrificed herself to help defeat her brother Laocorn. Terry affirms he loves her too then kisses her before she passes away.

*SULIAAAAAAAAA!
**Who: Laocorn Gaudeamus
**Source: Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture
**Notes: A young man who wants to use the Armor of Mars to attain godhood. After being defeated, he shields Mai from the living incarnation of Mars crying this out to Sulia and is vaporized.

*Go see if you got him this time.
**Who: Lt. Bob Bragan
**Source: Golgo 13: The Professional
**Notes: While in San Francisco, Bragan orders full pursuit of Golgo 13 who had killed a Nazi-SS captain Bernhart Mueller, who was hiding under the alias Don Hughes. At the end of a high-speed chase, Bragan destroys Golgo's car and orders his men to check if he's dead. But Golgo takes out Bragan's men, then Bragan who uses his last ounce of strength to try and shoot Golgo through the heart.

*I'll kill Golgo 13...!
**Who: Snake
**Source: Golgo 13: The Profesisonal
**Notes: The Pentagon's sadistic assassin. While molesting Laura, Robert Dawson's wife, he announces his intentions to kill Golgo 13 to her. These are his last known words here. Later, as Golgo 13 makes his siege of Dawson's tower, Snake ambushes the assassin in an elevator resulting in Golgo using Snake for a human shield while a helicopter gunship kills Snake.

*Father... please forgive me for having to leave my last message like this. I swear it'll be my first, and only opposition to you. Father, thank you for the enormous love you gave me for 29 years. I still remember my sixth birthday, when you baked the only cake you ever made for me. It was delicious. I also remember my high school graduation, where you cried the only tears you ever shed for me. It was very grateful. And thank you so much for you all your kindness to my wife Laura, and my daughter Emily. Father... I know you have such terribly high hopes for me, and being incapable of fulfilling those hopes, and having to push them away caused me terrible pain. Because you see, father... I couldn't even have the courage to put an end my own life. So I have decided to ask someone else to kill me. I believe... that he will do a good job. To my great father, the Emperor of Petroleum, Leonard Dawson. From your disobedient son, Robert. 
**Who: Robert Dawson
**Source: Golgo 13: The Profesisonal
**Notes: Leonard Dawson's beloved son and would-have-been successor to the Dawson company. At the opening of the movie, Robert is shot dead by Golgo 13. Near the end, Robert's words on his suicide note are heard in Leonard's mind while his father falls to his death meaning Robert actually wanted Golgo 13 to assassinate him over the depression that he will not be a worthy successor.

*Kenichi...Who am I-I...
**Who: Tima
**Source: ''Metropolis''
**Note: Tima, a robot, is referring to an earlier scene where the young protagonist, Kenichi, was teaching her to speak. Tima falls from the exploding Ziggurat after saying this line.

*Why must humans always resort to violence as a means of settling their differences?
**Who: &quot;Pero&quot;
**Source: ''Metropolis''
**Note: &quot;Pero&quot;, a robot detective, asks this question to the leader of a human rebellion against Metropolis' wealthy elite. After the leader tries to answer the question, he shoots and destroys Pero.

*I won't let pieces of junk -- like all of you -- take the life of my father.
**Who: Rock
**Source: ''Metropolis''
**Note: Says this while confronting a mob of revolting robots who are attacking his father, Duke Red. Rock then sets off the Ziggurat's self-destruct mechanism, killing them all.

*Kagero! Go back and report this to the chamberlain... while you still can!
**Who: Hanza
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: One of Chamberlain Sakaki Hyobu's ninjas. During the infiltration of the plagued Shimoda village going wrong, Hanza is grabbed by one of the Devils of Kimone, Tessai. Hanza warns this to Kagero, his partner, before his arms are ripped off. Zakuro then uses him as an explosive booby trap blasting him to pieces.

*A very skillful attack, but you must realize I can't be cut!
**Who: Tessai
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The stone golem-themed member of the Devils of Kimon. During his fight with Jubei, he says this referring to his rock-hard body which Jubei replies, &quot;So it seems.&quot; But then, Tessai's body begins to break apart from Kagero's poison when he tried to molest her earlier. Jubei taunts, &quot;Hey, what's the matter, monster? Your skin appears to be falling apart.&quot; Tessai angrily throws his twin bladed sword, and Jubei cuts him with blinding speed, then the golem ninja is pierced through the brain by his own sword. Before dying, Tessai had caught Jubei's image in his palm.

*Please, Jubei. Forgive me. ''(Jubei:SHINKURO!)'' His word is... THE LAW! 
**Who: Shinkuro
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: One of the Yamashiro ninja clan members. Years ago, Genma ordered him and the others to kill another to cover the location of the gold mine. Shinkuro regretfully told Jubei this, before the latter killed him and the other ninjas. This left Jubei the only survivor of the incident.

*Her sting is most deadly.
**Who: Benisato
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The snake-themed member of the Devils of Kimon. She ambushes Jubei and questions him if there is anyone else investigating the village other than himself. Kagero sneaks behind her and orders her to dismiss her snakes. As one of the snakes bites the kunoichi, Benisato says this never knowing Kagero is immune to her poison. After Benisato silently dismisses her snakes, Kagero tries to interrogate her, but Yurimaru electrocutes her with a wire around her neck silencing her.

*How far can he possibly swim? He'll have to give up soon.
**Who: Mushizo
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The wasp-themed member of the Devils of Kimon. Jubei swims underwater hoping to dodge Mushizo's wasps. The bee demon ninja says this wondering if he'll resurface and be stung to death or drown. Jubei knocks him into the water, and Mushizo tries to use a throat needle on him, but the bees trying to escape the water to get air, kill him from within.

*It can't be...
**Who: Utsutsu Mujuro
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The blind swordsman of the Devils of Kimon. He engages Jubei in a bamboo forest using his sword to make up for his blindness. With the aid of Kagero, Jubei runs Utsutsu through who says this in regret before dropping dead.

*You are difficult to kill, Ninja. Woman, relieve him of his pain.
**Who: Shijima
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: A member of the Devils of Kimon who can hide in shadows and extend his claw. In a deserted building, he puppeteers Kagero and commands this to her. But Jubei runs his sword into the shadow, running Shijima through his back and killing him instantly. 

*Do you feel the agony, Jubei?
**Who: Yurimaru
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The electricity member of the Devils of Kimon, he attempts to electrocute Jubei in a small building taunting this. But Jubei cuts himself free and  Yurimaru is blown up by an explosive rat planted by Zakuro. After this, Zakuro calls him &quot;Queen of the Devils&quot;.

*Oh, Jubei. I'm so glad I met you... And I'm... I'm happy I...
**Who: Kagero
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: The Koga ninja lased with poisoned lips and immunity to poisons. Gravely injured by Genma who had disguised himself as Sakaki Hyobu (whom he had murdered days ago), Kagero has enough strength to use her poison to neutralize the poison that would have killed Jubei. She dies with a smile after saying this to him. Jubei sends her body away on a funeral boat.

*Ruined your plans?
**Who: Zakuro
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: Zakuro says this after extinguishing Dakuan's candle, but Jubei Kibagami takes another candle and says &quot;Not at all!&quot; then uses it to ignite the fuel and her gunpowder, setting the ship on a path to explosion and sinking.

*I can't DIE!
**Who: Himuro Genma
**Source: ''Ninja Scroll''
**Note: Genma gloats on his self-regeneration as he tries to pummel Jubei during their final battle. Soon, he is reduced to a lifeless golden statue.

*Do you understand why? It's because I'm the man who holds the karma of the Buff clan... There is no turning back, the Ide has been invoked!
**Who: Doba Ajiba
**Source: ''Space Runaway Ideon: Be Invoked''
**Notes: Whilst trying to destroy the Ideon with the Ganda Rowa, Doba learns the Ide has incurred its wrath, then is shot to death by his own officers.

*DAMN YOU!
**Who: Cosmo Yuki
**Source: ''Space Runaway Ideon: Be Invoked''
**Notes: Attempting to destroy the Ganda Rowa, Cosmo yells this to a Zanza Lubu pilot, but despite his efforts, Cosmo, the Ideon, the Solo Ship and the Ganda Rowa are vaporized by the latter ship's blast, invoking the Ide.

*Yuri! It's too late for me. Focus on the people that you can save. ''(throws Yuri his arm band)'' Take this, too! ''(turns to Flynn)'' Flynn, you look after them. Become an even greater knight than your old man. Remember your true duty. ''(Hisca: NOOOOOOO! PLEASE, CAPTAIN! NOOOOOO!)'' Now go.
**Who: Niren Fedrock
**Source ''Tales of Vesperia: The First Strike''
**Notes: Commander of the Niren Corps, investigating a fortress of aer. With the fortress caving in, Niren sacrifices himself to save Chastel and tells his companions to leave without him, just as the fortress caves in on him. 

*That's...
**Who: Garista Luodur
**Source: ''Tales of Vesperia: The First Strike''
**Notes: The strategist of the Niren Corps who wants to illegally makes a new blastia. After a hard fight, Yuri impales him with his sword. Garista spots what his killer was using and Yuri replies &quot;His blastia, you bastard.&quot; before leaving him to drop dead.

*The shadow... Watch out for the shadow.
**Who: Nolt
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Markus Brothers trying to free Charlotte, Nolt is ambushed by the shadow monster, Benge who pierces his shadow and him. Nolt fails to hit back and he warns this before dying of his injury.

*That was close.
**Who: Benge
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Barbarois monster mercenaries working for Meier Link, the shadowy monster fights Kyle and Borgoff in broad daylight. After dodging some arrows, Benge says this in relief, but dodges an arrow to his throat. However, Kyle uses his blades to cut Benge apart.

*Now, that cleared my head. I really should return the favor. Don't you think, honey?
**Who: Caroline
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Barbarois monster mercenaries working for Meier Link, with her ability to merge with any surface, Caroline first fights D and is decapitated. But she survives and tries to kill Leila who throws a knife into her head. The monster scoffs it off and prepares to strike back, but the knife detonates, killing her.

*Borgoff, we should just let her kill herself. And then we can finish HIM off, what do you think about that idea? We get the money if she's dead or alive.
**Who: Kyle
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Markus Brothers, Kyle is known to use blades like yoyos. While confronting Meier Link at a bridge at sundown, he believes that Charlotte should commit suicide, then he can freely finish Meier Link. Before he can finish the vampire, he is cut open by Machira.

*Uhh! It was Carmilla who hired us, and as a Barbarois,, my duty has been fulfilled. Now I can die in peace.
**Who: Machira
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Barbarois monster mercenaries working for Meier Link, Machira with the ability to become a werewolf has a brief fight with D. In its aftermath, he tells D it was Carmilla who hired him, then he dies of his injuries, an honorable death.

*Grr! She'll die! I'm warning you, dunpeal; Don't come any closer! ENOUGH, now you die!
**Who: Borgoff
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: The leader of the Markus Brothers, Borgoff is turned into a vampire by Carmilla. He then attempts to kill D and Leila, but Grove using spiritual powers self-destructs his ghost, killing Borgoff.

*Lei...la...
**Who: Grove
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: One of the Markus Brothers with the ability to project a ghost with magical abilities. He aids D and Leila by self-destructing his ghost on the turned Borgoff. After calling out to Leila one final time, Grove dies.

*Are you the son of the Vampire King? Who are you? Who are you, dunpeal? Such power.
**Who: Carmilla
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: The long dead countess use illusions in the Castle of Chaythe. She attempts to steal Charlotte's blood to return to life, but D dispels Carmilla's illusions then as her true ghost form, Carmilla wonders if D is the son of the Vampire King, but D uses Left Hand to devour her ghost.

*Yes... Freedom, at last...
**Who: Charlotte Elbourne
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: The Elbourne girl who fell in love with Meier Link, at the Castle of Chaythe, Carmilla uses an illusion of Meier Link to bite her throat hoping to return to life. Dying, she speaks with joy on how she and her lover will get to the City in the Night and be free. Her ring is taken back to her father as proof.

*Fly away.
**Who: Leila
**Source: ''Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
**Notes: The last of the Markus Brothers group, Leila says this while watching the rocket ship carrying Meier Link and Charlotte fly into space. These are her last heard words. Years later, she dies and is survived by her granddaughter.

*Father gave his life so that you may have this sword, Ayame. ''(Ayame: Father...)'' You have to protect the sword, and go to Hyuga, and Hagakure-no-Sato. I'll take care of this thing and in the meantime, leave while you can! If we three schools of shadow don't combine, we'll never defeat it! Understand? I'm counting on you. 
**Who: Shinnosuke
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: The brother of Ayame. With the Kasumi village about to be destroyed by the three headed demon monster, Shinnosuke lends the Sword of Sorcery to Ayame then instructs her with these words to inform Hyuga and Hagakure-no-Sato of the Oboro's menace. He then stays behind buying time for Ayame to escape and dies.

*Stay back! Leave this thing to me. Be sure everyone else is safe, Ryoma.
**Who: Genyusai
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Ryoma's father. He is attacked by a blob-like Oboro monster, warns Ryoma with this and blows himself up.

*Die!
**Who: Jinnai Saegusa
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Said while fighting Ayame in the Hagakure village. He is dragged off the bridge by Ayame into a gorge. Injured, he makes one last attempt to kill Ayame but hits Kikyo by mistake. Ayame then slings a blade to break Jinnai's mask and kill him.

*I was so happy.
**Who: Kikyo Kogure
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Ryoma's sister. Said after shielding Ayame from Jinnai's finger blades and dies of her injuries.

*Someone's interfering
**Who: Genzo the Harpist
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Said after his failure to torture Ayame and Ryoma with a worm-like monster. He engages Ayame in a small fight who uses the Sword of Sorcery to vaporize him.

*We were betrayed by Koga... Master Sakon, Master...!
**Who: Jinpei
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: When another village of ninja against Nobunaga is attack, he is blinded crying out to Sakon and dies by Masago's control. 

*Ah, this is the Iga and Nabari technique. The four corners as you intended!
**Who: Masago the Silk Spinner
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: An Oboro monstrous ninja who controls Kayo like a puppet. He says this surviving a combined arrow-like attack. But Tanba's last suicidal attack kills him.

*IGA TECHNIQUE, LIGHTNING STRIKE DEATH!
**Who: Tanba Momochi
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Kayo's brother who leads the Iga ninja against Nobunaga. He calls out this technique and is blown to bloody pieces by Masago but not before leaving bombs to kill Masago.

*Kill me... Please! Please kill me!
**Who: Kayo Momochi
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: A Koga ninja used by Oboro monsters such as Masago. When turned into a centipede monster, she cries out this. Ryoma seeing no other way to save her says &quot;Mistress Kayo, you really, you really want to cry out like this? To cry out and try to, try to free yourself? To free yourself of the demons inside. But you weren't able to. It must've bene hard, must've been painful. Now I'll relieve your pain. I'll relieve your pain right now...!&quot; Ryoma runs the monster Kayo through with his halberd and ends her misery.

*First attack, second attack, third attack la, tears were sent to the Underworld and that's where you go to.
**Who: Kagami
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: An Oboro monster with a child-like appearance. She uses zombies made from her cries but is countered by Ryoma's Halberd of Sorcery. Even after her toy ball explodes, Ryoma runs her through and says &quot;Why do I always have to kill you? Answer me that, damn it!&quot; Kagami reverts to her demon form and is destroyed.

*Ranmaru, please do something! My head is going to explode, Ranmaru..!
**Who: Nobunaga Oda
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: The head of the Oda clan who convulses in pain, before Ranmaru mutates him into a massive Oboro monster. After an intense battle, Ayame says &quot;When chaos reigns, three swords become one to eliminate the Evil!&quot; and with the weapons combined she obliterates the monstrous Nobunaga.

*Cut off Nobunaga's head!
**Who: Ryoan
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: A monk who aids the Shadow Warriors against Nobunaga. Sometime after fighting off some monsters, he chants something but Ranmaru tells him &quot;Your duty is complete!&quot; and uses telekinesis to blast him against the wall. In his death throes, he reverts to his true Oboro monster form.

*That is the extent of your skill, Shadow Warrior! It's the end. ''(Sakon: Ayame...) ''(Sakon collapses from Kiheiji's scythe but energy sparks from his Sword of Sorcery)'' What? NO!
**Who: Kiheiji the Quiet Doom
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: Said thinking he has defeated Sakon. But Sakon's sword makes a miraculous energy blast to vaporize Kiheiji.

*Don't be a fool... The Dmeon God no longer exists...!
**Who: Ranmaru
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: The true villain behind the events of the story, he intends to open the gateway to the Underworld and unleash a more monstrous demon the Black Demon. He says says this overconfident about his chances. With the Black Demon inches from escaping into the surface world, Sakon and Ayame use a combined technique to destroy Ranmaru, Ryoma and the Black Demon.

*KIKYO!
**Who: Ryoma Kogure
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
**Note: A Shadow Warrior who uses the Halberd of Sorcery. With the Black Demon inches from escaping into the surface world, Sakon and Ayame use a combined technique to destroy Ranmaru, Ryoma and the Black Demon while Ryoma cries out to his sister knowing he will join her in death.

*Ayame, look the moon, the moon, it's a full mon... It's so quiet...
**Who: Sakon Hayate.
**Source: Wrath of the Ninja
Note: A Shadow Warrior of Hyuga who uses a katana Sword of Sorcery. After the final battle to save the world from Ranmaru, and the Black Demon, he dies of his injuries.

===Other films===
*We animals... are brothers; large or small; clever or simple; fur or feathers; now and forever... All animals are EQUAL!
**Old Major
**Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)
**Note: he dies suddenly while the animals are singing. 

*A vote for my plan is a vote for a life beautiful. ''[Napoleon: It's a lie.]'' I promise you a four day week. ''[Napoleon: Gush!]'' Perhaps a three day week. ''[Napoleon: Nonsense!]'' A ONE DAY WEEK!
**Who: Snowball
**Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)
**Note: Getting chased out of Animal Farm by Napoleon's guard dogs and killed in the process.

*No...It is you...who is my son.
**:Who: King Simeon
***Source: ''[[Animal Kingdom: Let’s Go Ape]]''

*NOO!!!
**Who: The Simian Witch
**Source: ''[[Animal Kingdom: Let’s Go Ape]]'' 

*I'm thinking of your life, Wilbur. Nothing can harm you now. (Sings) The autumn days grow short and cold; / It's Christmas time again. / Then snows of winter slowly melt. / The day grows short, / And then... / He turns the seasons around, / And so she changes... her gown: / Mother Earth... and Father Time. / ''[words are slowly being reduced to a whisper]'' How very special are we... / For just a moment... to be... / Part of life's... eternal... rhyme.
**Who: Charlotte A. Cavatica
**Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)
**Note: A dying Charlotte is unable to move her 514 unborn children into Wilbur's crate and sadly informs the pig that she will not return to the barn. Fortunately, they ask Templeton the rat to move the eggs safely into the crate, which he does. Unlike the original novel, Wilbur stays around to hear Charlotte's last words of her swan song before the spider lets out her final breath, leaving him heartbroken at her death.

*I saved myself!
**Who: Chester V
**Source: ''[[Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2]]''
**Note: After nearly falling, Chester tries to escape by trying to go towards Livecorp's exit, however the Cheespider's tongue grabs him and later leaves his jacket behind.

*They want our bodies... this is mine... My blood and my bone and my flesh...
**Who: Jen Barrow
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Notes: Jen has scrawled the same runes that adorn the Marker on the walls of her home, and carved them into her skin. After saying this line to her husband, she partially decapitates herself with a pickax. She is reanimated as a Slasher.

*OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
**Who: Dig crew Foreman
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Note: The only crew the Ishimura is able to raise is under attack by Necromorph organisms. After shrieking this line, his head is torn off.

*[Chic] Shuttle seven! You cannot land on board the ''Ishimura'' at this time. You must turn back ''immediately''. Shuttle seven, do you read- [Barrow punches viewscreen]
[Barrow] Fuck you, ''Ishimura''! Landing, crashing or shot down. Pick one! But there's no way in Hell we're going back!
**Who: Foreman Barrow
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Notes: His wife kills herself under the Marker's influence. This drives him mad. He jumps into a survey ship to bring them home. In his panic, he doesn't notice the Infector that slips into his shuttlecraft. It reanimates his wife, who kills him.

*(Weakly) No... no...&quot;
**Who: Hans Leggio
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Notes: The character, a psychotic who killed under the influence of the Marker, wakes up in the hospital. He steps out into the morgue, and notices Necromorph Infectors working on the corpses. He turns to run, and is impaled by a Pregnant. He himself is transformed into a Slasher, and attacks Vincent's team.

*[Dobbs] I'm no doctor, but it looks like something's been... ''chewing'' on him
[Pendleton] This shit just keeps getting weirder by the second.
[Dobbs] Sounds like a date with Shen.
[Shen] Fuck you, rookie.
**Who: Dobbs
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Notes: Alissa's team comes across the horrendously mutated corpse of Leggio, who attacks Dobbs while he is examining a shred of intestine (and bickering with Shen]. He stabs Dobbs to death and bites a chunk from his hand.

*Bastard! [raving] Get away from me!
**Who: Captain Benjamin Matthaius
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Notes: The captain has lost his mind, raving ever louder about the Artefact, and growing more violent and paranoid until he has to be physically restrained. White and Chic try to hold him down while Kyne sedates him. He breaks free and starts to throttle Kyne, who stabs him in the eye with a hypodermic, possibly in self-defense, but more likely by accident.

*These guys ain't so tough
**Who: Shen
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Note: She has fought off a Pregnant, the horde of Swarmers it was carrying, and several slashers only to be stabbed and bisected by Hansen, who has gone completely mad after fending off a Lurker.

*Help! Please! (Breaks down, crying) Please! Please! (sobbing) please!
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Who: unidentified Female crew member
**Note: A group of slashers are working on the barracks door. She calls for help, and Vincent's team rescues them. The entire rescued group is killed by slashers later.

*Holy creatures, transform me into your humble servant, as you alter my flesh and free my soul.
**Who: Samue Irons
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Samuel is a very devout &quot;Unitologist&quot;, a religious group that seems to revere the Necromorphs as angels, apparently. However, he only succumbs after being stabbed and surrounded.

*[Ramirez] I'm losing it, Alissa. They're in my head, and I want to hurt you.
[Alissa] What the- what are you doing?
[Ramirez] The door won't hold them for long. I'm giving you a head start.
[Alissa] Knock it off, They'll kill you!
[Ramirez] it's been an honor to serve with you, boss.
**Who: Ramirez
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Note-Ramirez has hotwired a sealed door that he and Alissa need to go through. He has recanted his reasons for joining the ship's Security force, with a swarm of Slashers getting ever nearer. He forces Alissa through the doors, which he then shorts closed. He is then torn apart.

*Here we go.
**Who: Alissa
**Source: ''[[w:Dead Space: Downfall|Dead Space: Downfall]]''
**Note: Alissa has recorded a distress signal to the emergency beacon of Barrow's crashed survey ship. However, the beacon must be launched manually. She opens the Cargo Bay loading doors and launches the beacon. She is then sucked out into space.

*Voice command authorization. &quot;Be human.&quot;
*And for one last instant, I'm human again.
**Who: Ghost
**Source: ''[[w:Halo Legends|Halo Legends: Prototype]]''
**Notes: After losing his humanity to the death of a fellow marine, he holds off many of the Covenant forces, buying time for shuttles to escape. He then activates his suit's destruct sequence. Then in his last thought, he felt human again, then dies in the explosion.

*You are not worthy to speak her name. But I promise it is the last you will utter.
**Who: Fal 'Chavamee
*There will be time for talk when I rule in your stead. And declare your shame, Arbiter.
**Who: Haka
**Source: ''[[w:Halo Legends|Halo Legends: The Duel]]''
**Notes: Rejecting Covenant religion, Fal fights through a large company of Covenant soldiers. He then learns Haka killed his wife, then they fight a duel that ends in their deaths.

*There's no time! Go, Ralph! Get that ship out of here now!
**Who: Daisy-023
**Source: ''[[w:Halo Legends|Halo Legends: Homecoming]]''
**Notes: During the Harvest Campaign, Daisy-023 tried to hold off as many Sangheili, but is impaled by Needler rounds. She orders her Pelican ship to escape, but it is destroyed. She then dies of her injuries.

*You'll see.
**Who: Grimaldi
**Source: ''[[w:Heavy Metal (film)|Heavy Metal]]''
**Note: An astronaut who had just returned from space with the Loc-Nar. He says this to his daughter. But when he tries to study it, the Loc-Nar glows immensely and melts him in a bloody fashion.

*This time you die, Taraakian bitch!
**Who: Barbarian Leader
**Source: ''[[w:Heavy Metal (film)|Heavy Metal]]''
**Note: The unnamed leader of the Barbarian gang cursed by the Loc-Nar to kill any who oppose them. In his final fight with the last known Taraakian Taarna, he says this while trying to kill her. But her bird bites his leg and buys her some time to skewer his face with his own buzzsaw hand and beat him to death.

*Taarna. Do not sacrifice yourself. You cannot destroy. ''(Taarna uses her powers to transform into lightning and crashes into the Loc-Nar)'' No... No...
**Who: The Loc-Nar
**Source: ''[[w:Heavy Metal (film)|Heavy Metal]]''
**Note: The sum of all things evil resembling a green orb who is made to corrupt and ruin people's lives. This monstrous entity warns this to Taarna but she gives up her energy in a final suicidal attack destroying it. In the girl's home who's father Grimaldi was killed, she barely manages to get out before the Loc-Nar self-destructs taking her former home with it. In turn, this gives her a fighting chance to live as the new Taraakian warrior to protect the next millennia.

*You pest, just like your parents! I don't care if I have to throw you off the cliff, GO GET IT!
**Who: Lasombra
**Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)
**Note: Before he could let Arnold go, the poison of the dart finally got to him, resulting in him staggering back. Before he falls, however, he grabs Arnold's amulet, and falls into the canyon to his death, ending his evil reign in San Lorenzo once and for all.

*You had your chance, but now it's over, boy. Poetic justice. Your father ruined my life, and now I'll ruin his, by killing you. How sweet. You clung to your grandfather's sword until the end. But now it has to return to me. And I will use it to kill your father. [Justin grabs the sword with his free hand] What?
**Who : Heraclio
**Source: ''[[Justin and the Knights of Valour]]''

*I like you... A fighter to the bitter end!
**Who: Archuk
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: In his raid on Felh Prime, Archuk duels with James Vega and nearly wins, but his head is shot off by Milque.

*I'm out!
**Who: Kamille
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: While taking on Collector troopers, Kamille says this after running out of ammunition, and it taken captive by the Collectors. She is processed into a Praetorian and remains silent before dying.

*Kamille...? That you? Kammy?!
**Who: Mason
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: Upon spotting Kamille processed into a Praetorian, he tries to run to her, but the Praetorian vaporizes him.

*I'm... with you, sir... We've still gotta... save our people...
**Who: Nicky
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: Nicky takes a fatal hit from the Praetorian claws meant for Vega. He then admits to Vega they need to save the colonists before dying with a smile knowing his antidote has been perfected.

*I'm finished. But maybe you can still use it to fight your way out. You freed me from that cage, Vega, and gave me the chance to die with honor in battle. the way a krogan should... For that... I owe you a debt I can never repay...
**Who: Brood
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: Moments after being shot in the face by Messner, the Blood Pack krogan Brood thanks Vega for allowing the chance to die in battle honorably and loans him his power cell.

*Collect this... you bitch!
**Who: Essex
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: As he makes a stand on the Collector ship, he is impaled on the Collector boss's claws. Essex then says this as he flares his biotics, killing the Collector boss along with himself.

*She's lying! Just... take me with you! It's yours! Anything! I don't wanna die! NOT LIKE THIS! No! NOOOO!!
**Who: Messner
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: After getting his cufflink containing the Collector's information stolen by Treeya and mortally injured by Vega, Messner tries to make a deal with Vega, but is killed by Collector laser fire.

*Hush...It's okay, baby... It's okay... Just close your eyes, honey.. we're going home...
**Who: Christine
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: With the Collector ship and the colonists on board about to burn up, Christine tries to comfort her daughter April in their last moments.

*James said he'd come back... He said he's save us, Mommy. He promised!
**Who: April
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: Being a young girl who would have been James Vega's lookout, she cries out to him, just as she dies, along with the colonists...

*God have mercy.
**Who: Captain Toni
**Source: ''[[w:Mass Effect: Paragon Lost|Mass Effect: Paragon Lost]]''
**Notes: Realizing that James Vega will leave him and the Fehl Prime colonists to die, he mutters this before he is crushed by debris.

*You son of a... [hawk screeches]
**Who: Rock-Eye
**Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)
**Note: Gets caught by the hawk and no-one knows of how the hawk ate him or something.

*Well, I suppose we could talk to the Mayor. I hear he’s been helpin’ people out in this time of crisis. ''[Beans: The Mayor?]'' He maybe our only hope.
**Who: Mr. Merrimack
**Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)
**Note: He was murdered and his body left in the middle of the desert, where it was found by Rango's posse. Doc determined that Merrimack died of drowning.

*No, Jake! NO, NOOO!!!!
**Who: Tortoise John
**Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)
**Note: Rango finally manages to subdue Tortoise John and he turns him over to Rattlesnake Jake, who then acknowledges Rango as another great desert legend worthy to save his life. With Tortoise John at his mercy, Rattlesnake Jake vehemently paraphrases the mayor's previous words to him that &quot;No one will believe you even existed&quot;, and he takes Tortoise John away screaming into the desert to severely punish him for his treachery, most likely killing him.

*Eternal beauty. 
**Who: Regina
**Source: [[w:Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs|Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs]]
**Notes: Merlin pushes Regina out of the chamber and plunges her to death with him by electrocuting her.

*I'm not losing, I don't lose. If I quit, I won't lose, so there, can't beat me, won't beat me, never!
**Who: Miss Power
**Source: ''[[The Rise of Miss Power]]''
**Note: WordGirl managed to stop her by not letting her bullying power affect her. Miss Power fled from Earth, stating that as long as she quit, she didn't lose. WordGirl ignored the harsh words Miss Power said her when she called WordGirl weak and little and used the tactic of saying the opposite of the insult by saying she would grow and get stronger which made Miss Power quit her battle and leave the planet in shame.

*You want proof? Talk to Firewater! That bastard bottle of booze seems to know what's going on. Wa-ha-haaaaaa!
**Who: Honey Mustard
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: After attempting to commit suicide by jumping out of the shopping cart, having warned the other foodstuffs of their impending doom, Frank asks what's going to happen as he hangs onto Honey Mustard. After responding, the cart abruptly stops and Frank loses his grip, resulting in Honey Mustard plummeting and shattering.

*Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
**Who: Can of soup
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: In a [[Saving Private Ryan]] homage, Frank witnesses other foodstuffs dying around him, including the can of soup holding his contents in his hands.

*RUN! RUN!
**Who: Berry
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Crushed by the wheels of an oncoming shopping cart while attempting to escape.

*Dying...so c-cold...
**Who: Juicius Maximus
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Douche finds an old Juicius Maximus box leaking near the dumpster at the back of Shopwell's and proceeds to suck the juice out of his body in order to strengthen up and get revenge on Frank.

*Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
**Who: Tequila
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: After leading Brenda, Lavash and Sammy to the bar so that Douche can kill them, Douche questions Tequila why they are no longer there (having been led away by Teresa). Douche comforts Tequila, then grabs him and smashes him on the bar counter before drinking the contents of his head.

*Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are cal- OH, JESUS FUCK! OH GOD, ME SKIN! SHE'S PEELING ME FUCKING SKIN! JESUS, YOU FUCKING WHORE! ME EYES! THEY BURN!
**Who: Irish Potato
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Camille Toh uses a potato peeler to peel the skin of off Potato, revealing to the rest of the foodstuffs the truth of the Great Beyond. Camille then dunks the potato into a pot of boiling water, killing it.

*NO, PLEASE-A NO, I'VE-A GOT A FAMIGLIA!
**Who: Italian Tomato
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Immediately after killing Potato, Camille violently slices Tomato in half.

*NOOO! DON'T!
**Who: Cheddar Cheese
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' 
**Note: Camille grates Cheddar Cheese with a cheese grater.

*FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT, RUN! ''[Camille: Whoops!]'' I WANT MY MOMMY!
**Who: Baby Carrot
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Two baby carrots fall out of the bowl that Camille was filling. They attempt to run away, but are caught by Camille and eaten.

*Okay, little buddy, jump on the count of three! One! Two! Thre... Ugh... ''[Barry: Carl?]'' BARRY! BA-RRY! ''[Barry: Carl to Bar what, what are you saying, Carl? Whoa! Oh God, no! CARL! Oh God! Carl! CAAAAAARL!]'' BAAAARRYYYYYY!
**Who: Carl
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Carl and Barry decide to jump out of the window to escape the carnage, but before they jump, Carl gets stabbed and sliced in half by Camille.

*Whoop. Five-second rule. AAAAAAAHHH! Ahhh, uhhh, urrrrrrghhh... NO!
**Who: Druggie
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: No longer on bath salts, the druggie attempts to cook Barry, but misses the pot he tries to drop him into. He tries to pick him up quickly, but ends up spilling the boiling water onto his back. Barry jerks his shoelace and forces him to slip into water, crashing into the doorway and landing underneath an axe hanging above him. The axe comes loose from the druggie's impact against the wall, which falls and decapitates him.

*Oh, shit!
**Who: Pop Tart
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Crushed by a Shopwell's shopkeeper shortly after the humans are injected with bath salts, causing them to see the food as living creatures.

*It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.
**Who: Sergeant Fizz Cola
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: After other foodstuffs subdue a human with licorice, Sergeant Fizz Cola and Geronomints decide to kill him using the Diet Coke and Mentos reaction. Line said to Geronomints before he releases his mints.

*This is gonna hurt so fuckin' much.
**Who: Geronomints
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: In response to Sergeant Fizz Cola before opening himself up, dropping his mints into the human's mouth.

*No! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FUCKING FRUITS!
**Who: African-American man
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Said to the fruits (stereotyping homosexual men), who back him into a booby trap and force him to be hung up like a pinata, before being beaten to death.

*Goodbye, little sausage!
**Who: Darren
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: Said to Frank as he tries to shoot him, but is distracted long enough by Gum so that he and Douche are blasted out of Shopwell's and blown up.

*WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE?!
**Who: Douche
**Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]''
**Note: After Darren (whose anus Douche's nozzle is lodged inside) is knocked into his fireworks-propelled waste bucket, Douche utters these lines just before they are blasted out of Shopwell's and blown up.

*I know what you're trying to do– and it won't work. They're gone.
**Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man
**Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)
**Note: Wounded by the explosion of the Super-Collider during a fight against Green Goblin and Prowler, Peter says these words to Wilson Fisk the Kingpin (whose plan to use the Super-Collider was to bring in alternate versions of his deceased wife and son) before getting killed by him.

*Miles... ''(Miles Morales: Uncle Aaron. This is my fault.)'' No, Miles. I'm sorry. I wanted you to look up to me. I let you down, man, I let you down. You're the best of all of us, Miles. You're on your way. Just... just keep going... just keep going...
**Who: Aaron Davis / Prowler
**Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)
**Note: The character was Miles Morales' uncle, as well as one of Kingpin's henchmen. During an attack by Kingpin's henchmen at May Parker's home, Prowler chased after the new Spider-Man, but relented after learning that the new Spider-Man was Miles. He was soon shot in the back by Kingpin for hesitating, and said these words to Miles before dying.

*I'm a goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy goober, yeah! We're all goofy goobers, yeah! Goofy... Goofy... Goober... Goober... yeah.
**Who: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star 
**Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)
**Note: Sang this song before turning into non-living things after being put near the light by The Cyclops. But, eventually the lightbulb burns out by the tear of the Goofy Goober going near the plug. And then the sprinklers go on and revives them and the rest of the fish in Shell City (which they finally arrived in to get King Neptune's Crown). 

*That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools! Huh? AAAH!
**Who: Dennis
**Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)
**Note: Dennis is about to step on SpongeBob and Patrick, but the boat hurts Dennis and dies.

*''Ow, my bottom! Ow, my top! Greedies, don't you ever stop?! [Phido swoops down] You too, Phido?...man's best friend? For ZigZag then...It is...The End.''
** Who: ZigZag
** Source: ''[[The Thief and the Cobbler]]''
** Note: Character had fallen into a hole, where he was confronted by the One Eyes' alligators, who he had earlier persuaded not to eat him. They eat him alive this time, and ZigZag implores them to stop, but he resigns himself to his fate when he sees his vulture Phido (who he had neglected throughout the movie) about to eat him too.

==See also==
{{fictional last words}}

[[Category:Animated films|Last words]]
[[Category:Fictional last words|Animated films]]</text>
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    <title>Man of Steel (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="42063" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Superman S symbol.svg|thumb|The [[symbol]] of the House of El means &quot;[[Hope]]&quot;. Embodied within that hope is the fundamental [[belief]] the potential of every person to be a [[force]] for [[good]].]]
'''''[[w:Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]''''' is a 2013 American superhero film directed by [[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder]], produced by [[Christopher Nolan]], and scripted by [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]]. It is the first installment in the [[w:DC Extended Universe|DC Extended Universe]] and a rebooted origin story for [[Superman]].

:''Directed by [[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder]]. Written by [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]] and [[w:Christopher Nolan|Christopher Nolan]], based on the DC Comics character of [[Superman]].''

== [[w:Superman|Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman]] ==
[[File:Henry Cavill Wondercon 2011.jpg|thumb|My father [[believed]] that if the [[world]] found out who I really was, they'd reject me…out of [[fear]]. I let my father die because I trusted him. Because he was convinced that I had to wait, that the [[world]] was not ready. What do you think?]]

* I have so many questions. Where do I come from?
* My father [[believed]] that if the [[world]] found out who I really was, they'd reject me…out of [[fear]]. I let my father die because I trusted him. Because he was convinced that I had to wait, that the world was not ready. What do you think?
* Krypton had its chance!
* Let's put our cards on the table, General. You're scared of me because you can't control me. You don't, and you never will. But that doesn't mean I'm your enemy.
* '''YOU THINK YOU CAN THREATEN MY MOTHER?'''

== [[w:Lois Lane|Lois Lane]] ==
[[File:Amy Adams in St Helier, Jersey.JPG|thumb| How do you find someone who has spent a lifetime covering his tracks?]]

* How do you find someone who has spent a lifetime covering his tracks? For some, he was a guardian angel. To others, a ghost who never quite fit in.
* Welcome to the ''Planet''.
* What's the &quot;S&quot; stands for? .....well ,here it's an S. ...well ,how about &quot;Super...&quot;.

== [[w:General Zod|General Zod]] ==
*You… you believe your son is safe? I will find him. I will reclaim what you have taken from us! I will find him. I will find him, Lara. I WILL FIND HIM!
* My name is General Zod. I come from a world far from yours. I have journeyed across an ocean of stars to reach you. For some time, your world has sheltered one of my citizens. I request that you return this individual to my custody. For reasons unknown, he has chosen to keep his existence a secret from you. He will have made efforts to blend in. He will look like you, but he is not one of you. To those of you who may know of his current location: the fate of your planet rests in your hands. To Kal-El, I say this: surrender within twenty-four hours, or watch this world suffer the consequences...
* Tell me, you have Jor-El's memories, his conscience, can you experience his pain? I will harvest the Codex from your son's corpse, and I will rebuild Krypton atop his bones.
* If you destroy this ship, '''YOU DESTROY KRYPTON!'''
* Look at this. We could have built a new Krypton in this squalor, but you choose the humans over us. I exist only to protect Krypton. That is the sole purpose for which I was born, and every action I take, no matter how violent or how cruel, is for the ''greater good'' of my people. And now, I have no people.&amp;nbsp; My soul&amp;ndash;''that'' is what ''you'' have ''taken'' from ''me''!
* There is only one way this ends, Kal: either you die or I do.
* I was ''bred'' to be a warrior, Kal-El, trained my entire ''life'' to master my senses. Where did ''you'' train? '''ON A FARM?!'''

== [[w:Jonathan and Martha Kent|Jonathan Kent]] ==
* People are afraid of what they don't understand.
* You're not just ''anyone'', Clark, and I have to believe that you're&amp;ndash;that you're sent here for a ''reason''. All these changes you're going through, one day&amp;ndash;one day, you're goin'a think of them as a blessing, and when that day comes, you're goin'a have to make a choice: a choice of whether to stand proud in front of the human race or ''not''.
* You'll just have to decide what kind of man you'll want to grow up to be, Clark, because whoever that man is, good character or bad, he's&amp;ndash;he's gonna change the world.

== [[w:Lara (comics)|Lara Lor-Van]] ==
* Make a better world than ours, Kal.
* His name is Kal, son of El, and he's beyond your reach.

== [[w:Jor-El|Jor-El]] ==
* What if a child dreamed of becoming something other than what society had intended? What if a child aspired to something greater?
* [[Earth]]'s [[sun]] is younger and brighter than ours was. Your cells have drunk in its radiation, strengthening your muscles, your skin, your senses. Earth's gravity is weaker, yet its atmosphere is more nourishing. You've grown stronger here than I ever could've imagined. The only way to know how strong is to keep testing your limits. You will give the people an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind you, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun, Kal. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders.
* You can [[save]] her Kal. You can save all of them.
* Silencing me won't change anything. My son is twice the man you were, and he will finish what we started, I can promise you that.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Jor-El''': Goodbye, my son. Our hopes and dreams travel with you.
:'''Lara Lor-Van''': He will be an outcast. They'll kill him.
:'''Jor-El''': How? He'll be a god to them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jor-El is on assembly with the Elders of Krypton]''
:'''Jor-El''': Will you not understand? Krypton's core is collapsing. We may only have a matter of weeks. I warned you, harvesting the core was suicide. It has accelerated the process of implosion.
:'''Lor-Em''': Our energy reserves were exhausted. What would you have us do, El?
:'''Jor-El''': Look to the stars, like our ancestors did, for habitable worlds within reach. We can begin by using the old outposts.
:'''Ro-Zar''': Are you seriously suggesting that we evacuate the entire planet?
:'''Jor-El''': No, everybody here is already dead. Give me control of the Codex. I will ensure the survival of our race. There is still hope. I have held that hope in my hands.
:''[There is a large blast as Zod is bringing about a coup for control of Krypton]''
:'''General Zod''': This council has been disbanded!
:'''Ro-Zar''': On whose authority?
:'''General Zod''': Mine.
:''[Zod shoots and kills Ro-Zar]''
:'''General Zod''': The rest of you will be tried and punished accordingly.
:'''Jor-El''': What are you doing, Zod? This is madness!
:'''General Zod''': What I should have done years ago. These lawmakers with their endless debates have led Krypton to ruin.
:'''Jor-El''': And if your forces prevail, you'll be the leader of nothing!
:'''General Zod''': Then join me. Help me save our race. We'll start anew. We'll sever the degenerative bloodlines that led us to this state.
:'''Jor-El''': And who will decide which bloodlines survive, Zod? You?
:'''General Zod''': Don't do this, El. The last thing I want is for us to be enemies.
:'''Jor-El''': You have abandoned the principles that bound us together. You've taken up the sword against your own people. I will honor the man you once were, Zod. Not this monster you have become.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zod arrives as Jor-El and Lara are about to launch their son into space]''
:'''General Zod''': I know you stole the Codex, Jor-El. Surrender it and I'll let you live.
:'''Jor-El''': This is a second chance for all of Krypton, not just the bloodlines you deem worthy.
:'''General Zod''': What have you done?
:'''Jor-El''': We've had a child, Zod. A boy child. Krypton's first natural birth in centuries, and he will be free, free to forge his own destiny.
:'''General Zod''': Heresy! Destroy it!
:''[Zod attempts to destroy the launch, but is stopped by Jor-El and they engage each other in combat. Lara is nearly complete with the launch sequence. As Jor-El has Zod temporarily restrained he begins to plead with Lara]''
:'''General Zod''': Lara, listen to me, the Codex is Krypton's future. Abort the launch!
:''[Lara continues the launch sequence and sends her son into space]''
:'''General Zod''': '''NOOOOOOO!''' ''[Zod stabs and kills Jor-El. Lara runs over to his fallen body and mourns him]'' Your son, Lara, where have you sent him? 
:'''Lara''': His name is Kal, son of El. And he is beyond your reach.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zod is being tried for the crimes by the Kryptonian Elders]''
:'''Lor-Em''': General Zod, for the crimes of murder and high treason, the council has sentenced you and your fellow insurgents to 300 cycles of somatic reconditioning. Do you have any last words?
:'''General Zod''': You won't kill us yourself! You wouldn't sully your hands, but you'll damn us to a black hole for eternity! ''[He spits at him in disgust]'' Jor-El was right! You're a pack of fools! Every last one of you! ''[He approaches Lara but is held back by a guard]'' And you...You believe your son is safe? I will find him. I will reclaim what you have taken from us! I will find him. I will find him, Lara. '''''I WILL FIND HIM!'''''
:''[He is silenced as they are banished to the Phantom Zone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonathan Kent shows Clark the pod in which they found him in, revealing he is not from Earth]''
:'''Jonathan Kent''': We found you in this. We were sure the government was gonna show up on our doorstep. No one ever came. ''[He hands him the key]'' This was in the chamber with your diapers. I took it to a metallurgist at Kansas State. He said whatever it was made from didn't even exist on the periodic table. It's another way of saying it's not from this world, Clark, and neither are you… You're the answer, son. You're the answer to &quot;Are we alone in the universe?&quot; 
:'''Clark Kent''' (13 years old): I don't want to be.
:'''Jonathan Kent''': And I don't blame you, son. It'd be a huge burden for anyone to carry, but you're not just anyone, Clark,  and I have to believe that you were sent here for a reason. All these changes you're going through, one day your going to think of them as a blessing and when that day comes, you're going to have to make a choice. A choice for whether to stand proud before the human race, or not.
:'''Clark Kent''' (13 years old): Can't I just…keep pretending I'm your son?
:'''Jonathan Kent''': ''[Voice breaks]'' You ''are'' my son. ''[Hugs Clark tightly]'' But somewhere out there, you have another father too, who gave you another name. And he sent you here for a reason, Clark, and even if it takes the rest of your life, you owe it to yourself to find out what that reason is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[inside the Kryptonian ship buried in the Arctic, Clark inserts his key into a console and is greeted by an unfamiliar face]''
:'''Jor-El''': To see you standing there having grown into an adult…if only Lara could have witnessed this.
:'''Clark Kent''': Who are you?
:'''Jor-El''': I am your father, Kal, or at least a shadow of him. His consciousness. My name is Jor-El.
:'''Clark Kent''': Kal? That's my name?
:'''Jor-El''': Kal-El, it is.
:'''Clark Kent''': I have so many questions. Where do I come from? Why did you send me here?
:'''Jor-El''': You came from Krypton, a world with a much harsher environment than Earth's. Long ago, in an era of expansion, our race spread out through the stars, seeking new worlds to settle upon. This scout ship was one of thousands launched into the void. We built outposts on other planets, using great machines to reshape environments to our needs. For a hundred thousand years our civilization flourished, accomplishing wonders.
:'''Clark Kent''': What happened?
:'''Jor-El''': Artificial population control was established. The outposts and space exploration were abandoned. We exhausted our natural resources. As a result, our planet's core became unstable. Eventually, our military leader, General Zod, attempted a coup, but by then it was too late. Your mother and I foresaw the coming calamity and we took certain steps to ensure your survival. This is a genesis chamber. All Kryptonians were conceived in chambers such as this. Every child was designed to perform a predetermined role in our society as a worker, a warrior, a leader, and so on. Your mother and I believed Krypton lost something precious: the element of choice, of chance. What if a child dreamed of becoming something other than what society had intended? What if a child aspired to something greater? You were the embodiment of that belief, Kal. Krypton's first natural birth in centuries. That's why we risked so much to save you.
:'''Clark Kent''': Why didn't you come with me?
:'''Jor-El''': We couldn't, Kal. No matter how much we wanted to. No matter how we loved you. Your mother, Lara, and I were a product of the failures of our world as much as Zod was. It's hard to explain.
:'''Clark Kent''': So I'm alone?
:'''Jor-El''': No. You are as much a child of Earth now as you are of Krypton. You can embody the best of both worlds. The dream your mother and I dedicated our lives to preserve. ''[He reveals to him the Superman suit]'' The people of Earth are different from us, it's true, but ultimately, I believe that is a good thing. They won't necessarily make the same mistakes we did, but if you guide them, Kal, if you give them hope. That's what this symbol means. ''[Pulls back his coat to reveal the House of El symbol on his chest]'' The symbol of the House of El means &quot;Hope.&quot; Embodied within that hope is the fundamental belief in the potential of every person to be a force for good. That's what you can bring them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': I figured if I turned over enough stones you'd eventually find me. Where are you from? What are you doing here? Let me tell your story?
:'''Clark Kent''': What if I don't want my story told?
:'''Lois Lane''': It's going to come out eventually. Somebody's going to get a photograph or figure out where you live.
:'''Clark Kent''': Well, then I'll just disappear again.
:'''Lois Lane''': The only way you could disappear for good is to stop helping all together and I sense that's not an option for you.
:'''Clark Kent''': My father believed that if the world found out who I really was, they'd reject me, out of fear. I let my father die because I trusted him. Because he was convinced that I had to wait, that the world was not ready. What do you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Father Leone''': What's on your mind?
:'''Clark Kent''': I don't know where to start.
:'''Father Leone''': Wherever you want.
:'''Clark Kent''': That ship that appeared last night? I'm the one they're looking for.
:'''Father Leone''': …do you know why they want you?
:'''Clark Kent''': No. But this General Zod, even if I surrender, there's no guarantee he will keep his word. But if there's a chance I can save Earth by turning myself in, shouldn't I take it?
:'''Father Leone''': What does your gut tell you?
:'''Clark Kent''': That Zod can't be trusted. The problem is, I'm not sure the people of Earth can be either.
:'''Father Leone''': Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': Why are you surrendering to Zod?
:'''Superman''': I'm surrendering to mankind. There's a difference.
:'''Lois Lane''': You let them handcuff you?
:'''Superman''': Wouldn't be much of a surrender if I resisted. And if it makes them feel more secure, then all the better for it.
:'''Lois Lane''': What's the &quot;S&quot; stand for?
:'''Superman''': It's not an &quot;S&quot;. On my world it means &quot;[[Hope]]&quot;.
:'''Lois Lane''': Well, here it's…an &quot;S&quot;....how about &quot;super....&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman has a vision while his body is adapting to the Kryptonian atmosphere on Zod's ship]''
:'''General Zod''': Hello, Kal. Or do you prefer Clark? That's the name they gave you, isn't it? I was Krypton's military leader. Your father, our foremost scientist. The only thing we agreed on was that Krypton was dying. In return for my efforts to protect our civilization and save our planet, I and my fellow officers were sentenced to the Phantom Zone. And then, the destruction of our world freed us. We were adrift, destined to float amongst the ruins of our planet until we starved. 
:'''Superman''': How did you find your way to Earth?
:'''General Zod''': We managed to retrofit the phantom projector into a hyper-drive. Your father made a similar modification to the craft that brought you here. And so, the instrument of our damnation become our salvation. We sought out the old colonial outposts looking for signs of life. But all we found was death. Cut off from Krypton, these outposts withered and died long ago. We salvaged what we could: armor, weapons, even a World Engine. For 33 years, we prepared, until finally we detected a distress beacon, which you triggered when you accessed the ancient scout ship. You led us here, Kal. And now, it's within your power to save what remains of your race. On Krypton, the genetic template for every being yet to be born is incarnate in the Registry of Citizens. Your father stole the registry's Codex and stored it in the capsule that brought you here.
:'''Superman''': For what purpose?
:'''General Zod''': So that Krypton can live again, on Earth. Where is the Codex, Kal?
:'''Superman''': If Krypton lives again, what happens to Earth?
:'''General Zod''': A foundation has to be built on something. Even your father recognized that.
:'''Superman''': No Zod, I can't be a part of this.
:'''General Zod''': Then what can you be a part of?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Zod''': Your father acquitted himself with honor, Kal.
:'''Superman''': You killed him?
:'''General Zod''': I did. And not a day goes by where it does not haunt me. But if I had to do it again, I would. I have a duty to my people, and I will not allow anyone to prevent me from carrying it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman launches an attack at Faora but she dodges]''                              
:'''Faora''': You are weak, son of El. Unsure of yourself. 
                                              
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[General Zod activates the Genesis chamber]'' 
:'''Computer''': Genesis Chamber activated.
:'''Jor-El''': Stop this, Zod, while there's still time.
:'''General Zod''': Haven't given up lecturing me, have you? Even in death.
:'''Jor-El''': I will not let you use the Codex like this.
:'''General Zod''': You don't have the power to stop me. The command key I have entered is revoking your authority. This ship is now under my control.
:'''Jor-El''': Our people can coexist.
:'''General Zod''': So we can suffer through years of pain trying to adapt, like your son has?
:'''Jor-El''': You're talking about genocide.
:'''General Zod''': Yes. And I'm arguing its merits with a ghost.
:'''Jor-El''': We're both ghosts, Zod. Can't you see that? The Krypton you're clinging onto is gone!
:'''General Zod''': ''[Ordering the computer]'' Ship, have you managed to quarantine this invasive intelligence?
:'''Computer''': I have.
:'''Jor-El''': You'll fail.
:'''General Zod''': Then prepare to terminate it. I'm tired of this debate.
:'''Jor-El''': Silencing me won't change anything. My son is twice the man you were. He will finish what we started. I can promise you that.
:'''General Zod''': Tell me. You have Jor-El's memories. His conscience. Can you experience his pain? I will harvest the Codex from your son's ''corpse'', and I will rebuild Krypton ''atop his bones''.
:''[Zod then terminates the artificial Jor-El]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zod is in sheer defeat after the destruction of everything he was going to use to terraform Earth; with the return of his crew along with Dr. Hamilton and Colonel Hardy to the Phantom Zone, Zod and Superman are the last of the Kryptonians]''
:'''General Zod''': Look at this. We could have built a new Krypton in this squalor, but you chose the humans over us. I exist only to protect Krypton. That is the sole purpose for which I was born. And every action I take, no matter how ''violent'', or how ''cruel'', is for the greater good of my people. And now, I ''have no people''. My soul…''That!'' Is what ''you!'' Have ''taken! From me''!
:''[He lunges at Superman and attacks him in his rage and pain at having lost his purpose]''
:'''General Zod''': I am going to make them suffer, Kal, these humans you've adopted. I will take them all from you, one by one!
:'''Superman''': You're a monster, Zod. And I'm going to stop you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Zod''': If you love these people so much, you can mourn for them!
:''[Zod starts firing heat vision next to a cornered family, and Superman struggles to keep him from doing it]''
:'''Superman''': Don't do this! ''[the beams get closer to the family]'' Stop! ''[Zod doesn't as the family panic more]'' '''STOP!!'''
:'''General Zod''': ''[last words]'' '''''Never.'''''
:''[Superman snaps Zod's neck, killing him just as Lois arrives to the scene]''
:'''Superman''': '''NOOOO!''' 
:''[Lois comes towards him and hugs him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Superman has taken down one of the government's surveillance satellite drones]''
:'''General Swanwick''': Are you effing stupid?!
:'''Superman''': It's one of your surveillance drones.
:'''General Swanwick''': That's a $12 million dollar piece of hardware!
:'''Superman''': It was. I know you're trying to find out where I hang my cape. You won't.
:'''General Swanwick''': Then I'll ask the obvious question: how do we know know you won't one day act against America's interests?
:'''Superman''': I grew up in Kansas, General. I'm about as American as it gets. Look, I'm here to help. But it has to be on my own terms. And you have to convince Washington of that.
:'''General Swanwick''': Even if I were willing to try, what makes you think they'd listen?
:'''Superman''': I don't know, General. I guess I'll just have to trust you.
:''[Superman flies away and the General turns to see Captain Carrie Farris grinning]''
:'''General Swanwick''': What are you smiling about, Captain?
:'''Captain Farris''':  Nothing, sir... I just think he's kinda hot.
:'''General Swanwick''': Get in the car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Flashback]''
:'''Clark Kent''': I'm tired of &quot;safe!&quot; I just wanna do something useful with my life!
:'''Jonathan Kent''': So farming, and feeding people, that's not useful?
:'''Clark Kent''': I didn't say that!
:'''Jonathan Kent''': Our family's been farming for generations, Clark.
:'''Clark Kent''': ''Your'' family, not mine. I&amp;ndash;I don't even know why I'm listening to you right now! You're not my dad, okay? You're just a guy who found me in a field!
:'''Martha Kent''': Clark!
:'''Jonathan Kent''': It's alright, Martha. He's right, Clark has a point. We're not your parents. But we've been doing our best, and maybe... maybe our best isn't good enough anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Lois''': Welcome to the Planet, Clark.
:'''Clark''': Glad to be here, Lois.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
[[File:September_14_2001_Ground_Zero_02.jpg|thumb|200px| Yet with the removal of mortality from the equation, the mayhem is just deadening; all bombast, little consequence. Zod’s villainous compatriot Faora warns Superman, “For every one of them you save, we will kill a million more”: “A million” is such a large number — and one so easily attained in expensive CGI-laden blockbusters these days — that it's meaningless. A special-effects department can conjure up a million people as easily as they can one. That’s why it’s actually surprising in ''[[Fast and Furious 6|Fast &amp; Furious 6]]'' when, after the villain begins to run over innocent bystanders in his tank, Vin Diesel barks to his crew, “Take their attention away from the people!” Characters in blockbusters these days rarely ever comment on the titanic amounts of destruction they (and we) are witnessing. We’ve seen buildings smashed onscreen since Godzilla trampled on Tokyo in 1954 (and I have no doubt we will again when the [[Godzilla]] reboot is released next year), but now there’s a coldly pornographic attention to detail that implies that the only lessons imparted by [[9/11]] were technical ones. It’s as if more time and effort were spent on simulating a toppled skyscraper than in telling you why you should care about the people trapped in it. ~ Kyle Buchanan]]
[[File:WPAsign.JPG|thumb|There are a number of overt references to the past in “Man of Steel,” a title that itself summons up America’s lost industrial history. There’s even a scene in which Jor-El narrates Krypton’s rise and calamitous fall using immersive, metallic-gray images that morph and scroll across the frame like an animated version of a [[w:Works Progress Administration|W.P.A.]] bas-relief mural. ~ Mahdla Dargis]]
* Yet with the removal of mortality from the equation, the mayhem is just deadening; all bombast, little consequence. Zod’s villainous compatriot Faora warns Superman, “For every one of them you save, we will kill a million more”: “A million” is such a large number — and one so easily attained in expensive CGI-laden blockbusters these days — that it's meaningless. A special-effects department can conjure up a million people as easily as they can one. That’s why it’s actually surprising in ''[[Fast &amp; Furious 6]]'' when, after the villain begins to run over innocent bystanders in his tank, Vin Diesel barks to his crew, “Take their attention away from the people!” Characters in blockbusters these days rarely ever comment on the titanic amounts of destruction they (and we) are witnessing. We’ve seen buildings smashed onscreen since Godzilla trampled on Tokyo in 1954 (and I have no doubt we will again when the [[Godzilla]] reboot is released next year), but now there’s a coldly pornographic attention to detail that implies that the only lessons imparted by [[9/11]] were technical ones. It’s as if more time and effort were spent on simulating a toppled skyscraper than in telling you why you should care about the people trapped in it. &lt;br&gt; It’s not until the very end of Man of Steel’s third-act battle, where the stakes grow smaller and much more intimate, that Superman truly seems to become emotional about the lives in danger, and that’s a moment that blockbuster filmmakers could learn a lot from: There’s no need to robotically kill faceless millions when a single character in jeopardy will always prove more galvanizing. Instead of trying to top the mayhem in Man of Steel next year — instead of continuing to mine one of the worst days in American history for a series of wowser trailer moments — can we give the pummeled buildings a break and find creative new obstacles for our heroes to overcome? Please, let’s have a summer-movie spectacle we don’t have to wince at.
* Considering that every previous &quot;Superman&quot; movie put the courtship dance between men and women at the heart of its action — particularly &quot;[[Superman (1978 film)|Superman: the Movie]]&quot;, &quot;[[Superman II]]&quot; and &quot;[[Superman Returns]]&quot; — the fact that &quot;Man of Steel&quot; has a No Girls Allowed sensibility seems like a deliberate creative choice. It's as if the filmmakers want to reassure young male viewers accustomed to the glib swagger of &quot;Iron Man&quot; and the dire self-pity of Nolan's Batman trilogy that Superman is in the same wheelhouse. (Zod's right-hand woman Fajora-Ul, Antje Traue, is a powerful presence, but she's even more desexualized than Lois; her character's main trait is a pathological hatred of men.)
** Kyle Buchanan, [http://www.vulture.com/2013/06/hollywood-blockbusters-cant-stop-evoking-911.html  “Is It Possible to Make a Hollywood Blockbuster Without Evoking 9/11?”], ''Vulture'', (2013/06).

* &quot;Chris Nolan wasn't there during the production itself, although I'm not sure how much work was done behind the scenes. I'm sure Zack had a phone call or two with him, but this is definitely Zack's baby. He was the man in charge, and we created the character together, as opposed to having too many outside influences.&quot;
* &quot;Again, it comes back to the human element; because he's alone and there's no one like him. That must be incredibly scary and lonely, not to know who you are or what you are, and trying to find out what makes sense. Where's your baseline? What do you draw from? Where do you draw a limit with the power you have? In itself, that's an incredible weakness.&quot;
** Henry Cavill, [https://screenrant.com/superman-man-of-steel-zack-snyder-chris-nolan/ “Henry Cavill Says Man of Steel is 'Zack Snyder's Baby' and Not Nolan's”], by Andrew Dyce, ''Screen Rant'', (May 08, 2013).

* At once frantically overblown and beautifully filigreed, “Man of Steel” will turn on everyone it doesn’t turn off. Summer blockbusters have a way of encouraging multiplex [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeism]], though I propose a middle way. It won’t be easy. Even those who patiently ride out the bludgeoning excesses of the film’s final 45 minutes may wonder what happened to the movie — the one about human and humanoid struggles — they watched for the first 100. They may also wonder why no one, anyone, smacked the director, Zack Snyder, in the head and reminded him that he was midwifing a superhero franchise, as the film’s first image, of a yelling, straining woman signals, not restaging the end of days.
* There are a number of overt references to the past in “Man of Steel,” a title that itself summons up America’s lost industrial history. There’s even a scene in which Jor-El narrates Krypton’s rise and calamitous fall using immersive, metallic-gray images that morph and scroll across the frame like an animated version of a [[w:Works Progress Administration|W.P.A.]] bas-relief mural. &lt;br&gt; For roughly 100 minutes, or the running time of an average movie, Mr. Snyder is in control of his material. His handling of the story’s many flashbacks, which fill in piecemeal Superman’s Kansas childhood as Clark, is fluid and apt. Each return to the past becomes another tile in the mosaic, adding to the emerging portrait of the adult wanderer and seeker he has become. His adoptive parents, Martha (Diane Lane) and Jonathan (Kevin Costner), come into focus, as does the bewildered child (played by Cooper Timberline and Dylan Sprayberry), who doesn’t understand why he’s so different. Mr. Snyder borrows too many canted camera angles and too much sun-kissed fluttering laundry from Terrence Malick, but the Kansas scenes solidify the human foundation of a divided identity.
** Mahdla Dargis, [https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/14/movies/man-of-steel-depicts-a-striving-stranger-in-a-strange-land.html &quot;‘Man of Steel’ Depicts a Striving Stranger in a Strange Land&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (June 13, 2013).

* We were pretty sure that was going to be controversial. It's not like we were deluding ourselves, and we weren't just doing it to be cool. We felt, in the case of Zod, we wanted to put the character in an impossible situation and make an impossible choice. &lt;br&gt; This is one area, and I've written comic books as well and this is where I disagree with some of my fellow comic book writers - 'Superman doesn't kill'. It's a rule that exists outside of the narrative and I just don't believe in rules like that. I believe when you're writing film or television, you can't rely on a crutch or rule that exists outside of the narrative of the film.&lt;br&gt;  Also our movie was in a way Superman Begins, he's not really Superman until the end of the film. We wanted him to have had that experience of having taken a life and carry that through onto the next films. Because he's Superman and because people idolise him he will have to hold himself to a higher standard.
** David Goyer [http://www.digitalspy.com/movies/superman/news/a518041/man-of-steels-david-s-goyer-on-general-zod-controversy-spoilers/ &quot;Man of Steel's David S Goyer on General Zod controversy - spoilers&quot;], ''Digital Spy'', by Simon Reynolds, (24 September 2013).

* “Killing Zod was a big thing,” Goyer said. “And that was something that Chris Nolan originally said, ‘There’s no way you can do this’.... Originally, Zod got sucked into the Phantom Zone along with the others.” &lt;br&gt; When that ending proved to be unsatisfying, Goyer had to convince others to go with the twist. “We talked to some of the people at DC Comics and said, ‘Do you think there’s ever a way that Superman would kill someone?’ At first they said, ‘No way. No way.’ We said, ‘But what if he didn’t have a choice?’ Originally, Chris didn’t even want to let us try to write it. Zack and I said, ‘We think we can figure out a way that you’ll buy it.’ I came up with this idea of the heat vision and these people about to die. I wrote the scene and I gave it to Chris and he said, ‘OK, you convinced me. I buy it.’”
** David Goyer, [https://www.ign.com/articles/2013/06/19/christopher-nolan-disapproved-of-man-of-steels-controversial-ending &quot;Christopher Nolan Disapproved of Man of Steel's Controversial Ending&quot;] (19 Jun 2013).

* The title &quot;Man of Steel&quot; tells you what you're in for: a radical break from the past. The absence of the word &quot;Superman&quot; leads us to expect a top-to-bottom re-imagining, and that's what the film delivers, for better and worse. This is a 2013 version of the story: dark, convoluted and violent, chock full of [[9/11]]-styled images of collapsing skyscrapers and dust-choked disaster survivors. It's sincere but not particularly funny or sweet. The hero is a glum hunk, defending a planet so scared of apocalyptic conspiracy that it assumes anyone who presents himself as good guy must have ulterior motives. Steel is what you need to have in your spine if you're going to be super in this world. &lt;br&gt; Directed by Zack Snyder (&quot;[[w:Watchmen (film)|Watchmen]],&quot; &quot;[[w:Sucker Punch|Sucker Punch (film)]]&quot;) and overseen by Christopher Nolan (the Dark Knight trilogy, &quot;[[Inception]]&quot;), &quot;Man of Steel&quot; largely abandons the sunny spirit and kooky humor of the [[Christopher Reeve]]-starred films, as well as Bryan Singer's homage to them, 2006's &quot;[[Superman Returns]].&quot; It brings the character in line with the recent craze for brutal, morose tales of loners defending a world that doesn't appreciate their sacrifices. This time the big guy's suit isn't [[Dick Tracy]] red, blue and yellow; it's a muted ensemble of synthetic chain mail that's described as &quot;battle armor&quot; rather than as a uniform or costume, and Supes wears his underwear on the inside, thank you very much. 
* This is a butch Superman film, driven by machismo. Lois is an important character, but only for how she furthers Clark/Superman's attempts to understand himself and claim his destiny. She's less of a fully-realized human being than the kooky narcissist played by Margot Kidder in the Reeve films, or Kate Bosworth's Lois in &quot;Superman Returns,&quot; a melancholy figure defined by her ability to move on after the hero's sudden departure from earth. Adams' Lois is tough and smart, but she has no personality, only drive, and she's not as integral to the action as she seems to be on first glance. It's telling that this movie gives equal weight to the story of a distrustful general (Chris Meloni) whose relationship with Superman lets him become the stand-in for a doubting Earth, a role filled by Lois in the 1978 film. Ma Kent is endearing, but she's not as powerful a presence as the doomed Jonathan. The hero's birth mother vanishes after the prologue, her absence explained in a throwaway line that Crowe seems embarrassed to have to deliver. The uncharitable might notice than when a stupid question has to be asked, or a trivial remark made, it's often delivered by one of a handful of women in a room full of burly guys; they may also note that while every significant male figure in &quot;Man of Steel&quot; is given an option to be physically brave under horrible circumstances — even grey-haired Pa Kent and Perry White have their moments — females exist, for the most part, to be saved, or to have things explained to them. &lt;br&gt; Considering that every previous &quot;Superman&quot; movie put the courtship dance between men and women at the heart of its action — particularly &quot;[[Superman (1978 film)|Superman: the Movie]]&quot;, &quot;[[Superman II]]&quot; and &quot;[[Superman Returns]]&quot; — the fact that &quot;Man of Steel&quot; has a No Girls Allowed sensibility seems like a deliberate creative choice. It's as if the filmmakers want to reassure young male viewers accustomed to the glib swagger of &quot;[[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man]]&quot; and the dire self-pity of Nolan's Batman trilogy that Superman is in the same wheelhouse. (Zod's right-hand woman Fajora-Ul, Antje Traue, is a powerful presence, but she's even more desexualized than Lois; her character's main trait is a pathological hatred of men.) &lt;br&gt; Again, this is all state-of-the-art, very much in line with the way superhero movies are done now. And yet this aspect of the &quot;modernization&quot; feels retro, because it comes at the expense of an under-acknowledged part of Superman's appeal: virtually alone among big-name superheroes, he's a romantically and sexually mature man who seems to like and be comfortable around women. 
** Matt Zoller Seitz, [https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/man-of-steel-2013  “Man of Steel”], ''Rogerebert.com'', (June 14, 2013).

* “[[Flight|It]]’s a more violent experience. It’s raw. It takes effort to do it, and that’s what we were really going for. It’s almost like there’s this kind of Right Stuff quality to it. He’s constantly booming around, accelerating. You think he’s going as fast as he can and then it’s like ‘Yeeaahh!’ He’s always got an extra gear he can use.”
* “I really wanted my Krypton to be this kind of special place that’s immersive and totally different from Earth, but not unbelievable. And ancient. I really wanted to give this ancient feeling to Krypton. I love technology that’s rusty because it’s so old. It’s so advanced, but it’s so old. That was the kind of world that I tried to create. A dying world that’s ancient and torn apart.”
** Zack Snyder, [https://screenrant.com/man-of-steel-interview-zack-snyder-henry-cavill-christopher-reeve-suit/ &quot;Zack Snyder Talks 'Violent' Flight in Man of Steel &amp; Cavill Wearing Original Suit&quot;] by Ben Kendrick on (Apr 26, 2013).

* Snyder weighed in with the idea that Superman killing Zod is actually key to him developing as a hero. &lt;br&gt; “If it’s truly an origin story, his aversion to killing is unexplained,” Snyder said. “I felt like, if we could find a way of making it impossible for him - Kobayashi Maru, totally no way out - I felt like that could also make you go, ‘This is the why of him never killing again.’ He’s basically obliterated his entire people and his culture, and he is responsible for it, and he’s just, like, ‘How could I ever kill again?’” &lt;br&gt; The idea of a morally ambiguous and unpredictable Superman seemed to resonate with the director. &lt;br&gt; “If there were more adventures for our Superman to go on, you’re given this thing where, you don’t know 100 percent what he’s going to do. When you put in stone the concept that he won’t kill, and it’s totally in stone, it really erases an option in the viewer’s mind…you’ll always have in the back of your mind, ‘How far can you push him?’ If he sees Lois get hurt, or his mother get killed, you just made a really mad Superman that we know is capable of some really horrible stuff, if he wants to be. That’s the thing that’s cool about him, in some ways. The idea that he has the frailties of a human emotionally. But you don’t want to get that guy mad,” he said.
** Zack Snyder, [https://www.ign.com/articles/2013/06/19/christopher-nolan-disapproved-of-man-of-steels-controversial-ending &quot;Man of Steel/ Christopher Nolan Disapproved of Man of Steel's Controversial Ending&quot;] by Joshua Yehl, (19 Jun 2013).

* This conceptualization works because &quot;Man of Steel&quot; is well-cast (courtesy of Lora Kennedy and Kristy Carlson) starting at the top with Cavill. He's a superb choice for someone who needs to convincingly convey innate modesty, occasional confusion and eventual strength. &lt;br&gt; Ably supporting him on Earth are Kevin Costner and Diane Lane as adoptive parents Jonathan and Martha Kent, as well as Amy Adams, such a dead-on selection for uber-intrepid journalist Lois Lane (she's a Pulitzer Prize winner!) that she was up for the role previously. &lt;br&gt; Also effective are the folks from Krypton, including Russell Crowe as super-serious scientist Jor-El, Kal-El's father, Michael Shannon as the relentless Gen. Zod and German actress Antje Traue as the general's right hand Faora-Ul. (Who thinks up these names?) &lt;br&gt; But for all its positive aspects, including a noteworthy visualization of the dying planet Krypton from production designer Alex McDowell and his team, &quot;Man of Steel&quot; is only partially realized.
** Kenneth Turan and Los Angeles Times Film Critic, [http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/moviesnow/la-et-mn-man-of-steel-20130613-story.html &quot;Review: In 'Man of Steel,' Henry Cavill soars over an erratic plot] ''Las Angeles Times'', (Jun 12, 2013).

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*{{Official website|http://www.manofsteel.com}}
*{{IMDb title|0770828|Man of Steel}}
*{{amg movie|527047|Man of Steel}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|superman-man-of-steel|Man of Steel}}
*{{mojo title|superman2012|Man of Steel}}

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    <title>Symmetry</title>
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      <text bytes="29952" xml:space="preserve">[[File:ThomasDiggesmap.JPG|right|thumb|[[Anaximander]]:The [[earth]] is a [[w:Cylinder|cylindrical]] [[w:column|column]], surrounded by [[air]]; it floats upright in the centre of the [[universe]] without support or anything to stand on, yet it does not fall because, being in the centre, it has no preferred [[w:direction|direction]] towards which to lean; if it did, this would disturb the symmetry and balance of the whole. The spherical [[heaven]]s enclose the [[w:atmosphere|atmosphere]].]]
'''[[w:Symmetry|Symmetry]]''' (from [[w:Greek language|Greek]] συμμετρία symmetria &quot;agreement in dimensions, due proportion, arrangement&quot;) has two meanings. The first is a vague sense of harmonious and beautiful proportion and balance. The second is an exact mathematical &quot;patterned self-similarity&quot; that can be demonstrated with the rules of a formal system, such as [[geometry]] or [[physics]]. Although these two meanings of &quot;symmetry&quot; can sometimes be told apart, they are related, so they are here discussed together. Mathematical symmetry may be observed with respect to the passage of time; as a spatial relationship; through geometric [[transformation]]s such as scaling, reflection, and rotation; through other kinds of functional transformations and as an aspect of [[abstract]] objects, theoretic models, [[language]], [[music]] and even [[knowledge]] itself.

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== A ==

*...which were neither [[w:Lofty|lofty]] nor shaped by any noticeable inner [[harmony]] or symmetry, other than that all parts of the room were pretty much ...
**[[Douglas Adams]], in [http://www.archive.org/stream/loftylowlyorgood01mcinuoft/loftylowlyorgood01mcinuoft_djvu.txt  Full text of &quot;The lofty and the lowly; or, Good in all and ...]

* The [[earth]] is a [[w:Cylinder|cylindrical]] [[w:column|column]], surrounded by [[air]]; it floats upright in the centre of the [[universe]] without support or anything to stand on, yet it does not fall because, being in the centre, it has no preferred [[w:Direction|direction]] towards which to lean; if it did, this would disturb the symmetry and balance of the whole. The spherical [[heaven]]s enclose the [[w:atmosphere|atmosphere]] 'like the bark of a tree', and there are several layers of this enclosure to accommodate the various stellar objects.
**[[Anaximander]], in [http://www.ict.griffith.edu.au/~johnt/1004ICT/lectures/lecture02/Sleepwalkers-pp19-25.html Early Conceptions of the Cosmos]

*While both the [[w:Metaphysicist|metaphysicist]] and the [[physicist]] draw conclusions from their general [[doctrine]]s, the one is contented with [[logic]]al symmetry, the other demands the [[w:confrontation|confrontation]] with [[facts]].
**[[Aristotle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=YFJZAAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA33 Aristotle: a chapter from the history of science including analyses of ...], p. 33,  quoted by George Henry Lewes.

*The chief forms of [[beauty]] are [[order]] and symmetry and definiteness, which the mathematical sciences [[w:demonstrate|demonstrate]] in a special degree...
**[[Aristotle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=uoELqVKpUhMC&amp;pg=PA213 Toward an Aesthetics of Blindness: An Interdisciplinary Response to Synge ...], p. 213.

== B ==
[[File:SphinxGiza.jpg|right|thumb|[[Kate Bush]]:I'm busy chasing up my [[demon]].&lt;br&gt;Oh, I'm in [[love]] With [[Egypt]].]]
*Tyger! Tyger! burning bright&lt;br&gt; in the forests of the night,&lt;br&gt; What [[immortal]] hand or eye&lt;br&gt; Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
**[[William Blake]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=cVAIBeCXxmwC&amp;pg=PT220 Famous Quotes from 100 Great People], p. 220.

*Guided only by their feeling for symmetry, simplicity, and generality, and an indefinable sense of the fitness of things, creative mathematicians now, as in the past, are inspired by the art of mathematics rather than by any prospect of ultimate usefulness.
**[[Eric Temple Bell]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=JNbKURWmODkC&amp;pg=PA172 777 Mathematical Conversation Starters], p,172.

*The sands run red&lt;br&gt;In lands of the [[w:Pharoahs|Pharoahs]].&lt;br&gt;Their symmetry gets right inside me.&lt;br&gt;
*I cannot stop to [[comfort]] them.&lt;br&gt;I'm busy chasing up my demon. &lt;br&gt;I cannot stop to comfort them. &lt;br&gt;I'm busy chasing up my [[demon]].&lt;br&gt;Oh, I'm in [[love]] With [[Egypt]].
**[[Kate Bush]], in [https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/kate-bush/egypt.html  Kate Bush Lyrics]

== C ==

*...That a right Mind, and generous [[Affection]], had more [[Beauty]] and Charm, than all  other Symmetrys in the World besides. And, That a Grain of [[Honesty]] and Has five [[Worth]], was of more value than all the adventitious Ornaments...
**[[Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 3rd Earl of Shaftesbury]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ySgJAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA168 Characteristicks of Men, Manners, Opinions, Times], p. 168
== D ==

* Men achieve tranquillity through moderation in pleasure and through the symmetry of life. Want and superfluity are apt to upset them and to cause great perturbations in the soul. The souls that are rent by violent conflicts are neither stable nor tranquil. ...one ought not to desire other men's blessings, and one ought not to envy those who have more, but rather, comparing his life with that of those who fare worse, and laying to heart their sufferings, deem himself blest of fortune in that he lives and fares so much better than they. Holding fast to this saying you will pass your life in greater tranquillity and will avert not a few of the plagues of life—envy and jealousy and bitterness of mind.
** [[Democritus]] (ca. 400 BCE) as quoted by  {{w|Charles Montague Bakewell}}, ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uPcPAAAAYAAJ Source Book in Ancient Philosophy]'' (1907)

* What is this world? A complex whole, subject to endless revolutions. All these revolutions show a continual tendency to destruction; a swift succession of beings who follow one another, press forward, and vanish; a fleeting symmetry; the order of a moment. I reproached you just now with estimating the perfection of things by your own capacity; and I might accuse you here of measuring its duration by the length of your own days. You judge of the continuous existence of the world, as an ephemeral insect might judge of yours. The world is eternal for you, as you are eternal to the being that lives but for one instant. Yet the insect is the more reasonable of the two. For what a prodigious succession of ephemeral generations attests your eternity! What an immeasurable tradition! Yet shall we all pass away, without the possibility of assigning either the real extension that we filled in space, or the precise time that we shall have endured. Time, matter, space—all, it may be, are no more than a point.
** [[Denis Diderot]], ''Lettre sur les aveugles'' [''Letter on the Blind''] (1749)

== E ==
== F ==
[[File:Parmigianino 004.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Henry Fuseli|Henry Fuseli]]:[[w:Body proportions|Proportion]], or symmetry, is the basis of [[beauty]]; propriety, of [[grace]].]]
* I wrote Fearful Symmetry during the [[Second World War]], and hideous as that time was, it provided some parallels with Blake’s time which were useful for understanding Blake’s [[attitude]] to the [[world]].
**[[Northrop Frye]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4cOcHsKhzrgC&amp;pg=PP11 Fearful Symmetry: A Study of William Blake], p. 11.

*Her [[dream]]s, of course, partook of this symmetry. The same dream returns to her periodically, annually, and punctual to its night.
**[[Margaret Fuller]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mfoDAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA123 The Spiritual Magazine], p. 123.

*[[w:Body proportions|Proportion]], or symmetry, is the basis of [[beauty]]; propriety, of [[grace]].
**[[w:Henry Fuseli|Henry Fuseli]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Py05AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA77 Lectures], in p. 78.

== G ==

*[[Truth]] it seems to me — is no [[absolute]] thing, but always relative, the essential symmetry in the varying relationships of life;...
**[[John Galsworthy]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ehcPvFQXJV0C&amp;pg=PA207 The Complete Essays of John Galsworthy], p. 207.

* Physicists describe the two properties of physical laws—that they do not depend on when or where you use them—as ''symmetries'' of nature. By this usage physicists mean that nature treats every moment in time and every location in space identically—symmetrically—by ensuring that the same fundamental laws are in operation. Much in the same manner that they affect art and music, such symmetries are deeply satisfying; they highlight an order and coherence in the workings of nature. The elegance of rich, complex, and diverse phenomena emerging from a simple set of universal laws is at least part of what physicists mean when they invoke the term &quot;beautiful.&quot;&lt;!--p. 169--&gt;
** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) Ch. 7 The &quot;Super&quot; in Superstrings.

* One overarching lesson... during the past hundred years is that the known laws of physics are associated with principles of symmetry. Special relativity is based on the symmetry embodied in the {{w|principle of relativity}}—the symmetry between all constant-velocity vantage points. The gravitational force, as embodied in the general theory of relativity, is based on the [[equivalence principle]]—the extension of the principle of relativity to embrace all vantage points regardless of the complexity of their states of motion. And the strong, weak, and electromagnetic forces are based on the... [[Gauge theory|gauge symmetry principles]]. ...[[String theory]] takes us down another notch on the scale of explanatory depth because all of these symmetry principles, as well as another—{{w|supersymmetry}}—emerge from its structure.&lt;!-- p. 374-375/2003 --&gt;
** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999, 2003) Ch. 15 &quot;Prospects.&quot;

== H ==
[[File:Dunes in Gobi Gurvansaikhan National Park.jpg|right|thumb|[[Frank Herbert]]:There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, [[elegance]], and grace - those qualities you find always in that which the true artist captures. You can find it in the turning of the [[seasons]], in the way [[sand]] trails along a [[w:Ridge|ridge]], in the branch [[clusters]] of [[w:creosote bush|creosote bush]] or the patterns of its leaves.]]
*According to the [[w:atomic theory|atomic theory]] the forming force in this process is to a certain extent the symmetry characteristic of the solution to [[w:Erwin Schrödinger|Schrodinger]]’s wave [[w:Equation|equation]] and to that extent x [[w:Crytalization|crytalization]] is explained by the atomic theory.
*[[Werner Heisenberg]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=57Wjgn-rLhwC&amp;pg=PA300 Nobel Lectures in Physics], p. 300.

*There is in all things a [[w:Pattern|pattern]] that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, [[w:Elegance|elegance]], and grace - those qualities you find always in that which the true [[artist]] captures. You can find it in the turning of the [[seasons]], in the way [[sand]] trails along a [[w:Ridge|ridge]], in the branch [[w:Clusters|clusters]] of [[w:creosote bush|creosote bush]] or the patterns of its leaves.
**[[Frank Herbert]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=GgRGF_uDp9AC&amp;pg=PA33 The Secret Teachings of Plants: The Intelligence of the Heart in the Direct ...]

== I ==
== J ==

*To let the reader sometimes complete the symmetry between [[words]] and to do no more than suggest it. In this painting of our life given to us by our memories, everything is moving and depends on our point of view.
**[[Joseph Joubert]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hWlcAAAAMAAJ Translations], p. 147.

*You know what Aquinas says: The three things requisite for beauty are, [[integrity]], a wholeness, symmetry and radiance.
**[[James Joyce]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=9lhKAAAAMAAJ Problems in modern English fiction], p. 65.

== K ==

*Lived in perfect symmetry&lt;br&gt;What I do, that will be done to me&lt;br&gt;As the needle slips into the run out groove&lt;br&gt;Love, maybe you'll feel it too.
**[[Keane]], in [http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-symmetry-lyrics-keane.html Keane Perfect Symmetry Lyrics | MetroLyrics]
[[File:Betula pendula Finland.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Silver birch|silver birch]] - [[Helen Keller]]: I feel the delicate symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a [[w:Silver birch|silver birch]], or the rough shaggy bark of a pine.]]
*I feel the [[w:Delicate|delicate]] symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a [[w:Silver birch|silver birch]], or the rough shaggy [[w:Bark|bark]] of a [[w:pine|pine]].
**[[Helen Keller]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=I5dPNwLrua4C&amp;pg=PA76 You Gotta Keep Dancin'], p. 76.

*Without any underlying symmetry properties, the job of proving interesting results becomes extremely unpleasant. The enjoyment of one's tools is an [[essential]] ingredient of [[successful]] work.
**[[Donald Knuth]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OtLNKNVh1XoC&amp;pg=PA238 The Art Of Computer Programming, Volume 2: Seminumerical Algorithms, 3/E], p. 238.

*...for the [[discovery]] of the origin of the broken symmetry which predicts the existence of at least three families of quarks in nature.
**[[Makoto Kobayashi (physicist)]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6MA9BtdeohUC Greening of Petroleum Operations: The Science of Sustainable Energy Production]]

== L ==

*Your borrowers of [[book]]s—those mutilators of collections, spoilers of the symmetry of shelves, and [[creator]]s of odd volumes.
**[[Charles Lamb]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=_Ol31GmIAZgC&amp;pg=PA23 The Equation that Couldn't Be Solved: How Mathematical Genius Discovered the ...], p. 23.

*Since the beginning of [[physics]], symmetry considerations have provided us with an extremely powerful and useful tool in our [[effort]] to understand nature. Gradually they have become the backbone of our theoretical formulation of [[w:physical law|physical law]]s.
**[[w:Tsung-Dao Le|Tsung-Dao Le]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=CMYdFEntAHUC&amp;pg=PA177 Particle Physics and Introduction to Field Theory: Revised and Updated First], p. 177.

*The introduction of symmetries belongs here too, [[w:Silhouette|silhouettes]] in inkblots, etc. Likewise the gradation we establish in the order of [[w:Creature|creature]]s: all this is not in the things but in us. In general we cannot remember too often that when we observe nature, and especially the ordering of nature, it is always ourselves alone we are observing.
**[[Georg Christoph Lichtenberg]], in [http://www.philosopherzone.com/georg-christoph-lichtenberg/. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg]

* Nature has been kind to us by being governed by ''universal'' laws, rather than by mere parochial bylaws. A hydrogen atom on Earth... or even in a galaxy that is ten billion light years away, behaves in precisely the same manner. And this is true in any direction we look and at any time. ...such properties ...are called ''symmetries'' and they reflect immunity to changes in location, orientation, or the time... If not for these (and other) symmetries, any hope of deciphering nature's grand design would have been lost...
** [[w:Mario Livio|Mario Livio]], ''Is God a Mathematician?'' (2009) p. 251.

== M ==

*I'm terribly [[w:fastidious|fastidious]]. I like symmetry and neatness, but my house is as chaotic as any other family's.
**[[w:Kevin McCloud|Kevin McCloud]], in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/8088675/Grand-Designs-Kevin-McCloud-My-house-is-as-chaotic-as-yours.html  Grand Designs Kevin McCloud: 'My house is as chaotic as yours']

*The symmetry of form attainable in pure [[fiction]] can not so readily be achieved in a [[narration]] essentially having less to do with [[fable]] than ...
**[[Herman Melville]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4YyoZDTlZ9wC&amp;pg=PA280 Bloom's how to Write about Herman Melville], p. 280.
* Like the ski resort full of [[girl]]s hunting for [[husband]]s and husbands hunting for girls the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
**[[Alan Lindsay Mackay]] in [https://books.google.cz/books?id=JJ1aDC_wYM0C&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false New Theories of Everything].

* For every symmetry there comes a constraint. ...If physics is to look the same when the origin of time is shifted... [o]nly those processes that [[w:Conservation of energy|conserve energy]] are allowed. ...If physical law is to be immune to the arbitrary displacement of our spatial axes, then nature requires the conservation of {{w|linear momentum}}. ...If the laws are to be unaffected by the arbitrary rotation of a coordinate system, then {{w|angular momentum}} must be conserved. ...If the laws are to be the same for all inertial observers, then the [[w:Spacetime#Spacetime interval|space-time interval]] must be invariant. ...[A]nother constraint ...so beautiful as to make one jaw drop in wonder ...''symmetry creates force''. ...[T]he symmetry of identical particles forces matter ...to be enrolled as either {{w|fermion}} or {{w|boson}} ...Bosons, typified by the [[photon]], carry the  the fundamental forces that cause fermions to attract and repel. Fermions, led by electrons and quarks, become constituents of ordinary matter. ...Gravity. Electromagnetism. The strong force. The weak force. Each {{w|fundamental interaction}} is called into being by the requirements of a particular local symmetry.&lt;!-- pp. 211-223--&gt;
** Michael Munowitz, ''Knowing: The Nature of Physical Law'' (2005)

== N ==
== O ==

*Some people focus more on sonics. Some people [[focus]] more on story. I focus on both sonics and story, but music sometimes, just music itself, can turn into more of a maths problem. I guess everything in life is a math problem, but it can be more about an [[w:Empirical|empirical]] route to getting the symmetry that you want, and this vibe, sonically.
**[[w:Frank Ocean|Frank Ocean ]], in [http://www.theguardian.com/music/2012/dec/13/frank-ocean-would-be-best Frank Ocean: 'I told y'all my album would be the best!']

== P ==
[[File:Trees in the moonlight.jpg|thumb|[[Blaise Pascal]]:*Symmetry is what we see at a [[w:Glance|glance]]; based on the [[fact]] that there is no reason for any [[w:Difference|difference]]...]]
[[File:2003-32-GravitationalLens.jpg|right|thumb|[[Thomas Pynchon]]: ...among its most tender flesh without a [[reflex]] or cry, then at least, at very least, waiting for a symmetry of choices to break down, to go skew....]]
*Beauty is our [[weapon]] against nature; by it we make objects, giving them limit, symmetry, proportion. Beauty halts and freezes the melting flux of nature.
**[[Camille Paglia]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mxp_ltnr3iQC&amp;pg=PA165 Culture], p. 165.

*Symmetry is what we see at a [[w:Glance|glance]]; based on the [[fact]] that there is no reason for any [[w:Difference|difference]]...
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=cVCCvN48MmIC&amp;pg=PA126 From Summetria to Symmetry: The Making of a Revolutionary Scientific Concept ...], p. 126.

*Fascinated by its symmetry the geometer may at times have been too exclusively engrossed with his [[science]], forgetful of its [[application]]s;...
**[[Benjamin Peirce]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dHF9OgSF_80C&amp;pg=PA106 The Early Years of the Saturday Club: 1855-1870], p. 106.

*By the time of his [[w:String Quartet No. 4 (Bartók)Fourth String Quartet]], inversional symmetry had become as fundamental a premise of [[Bartok]]'s [[w:Harmonic|harmonic]] [[language]] as it is of the twelve-tone music of [[Schoenberg]], Berg, and [[Webern]].
**[[George Perle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hc8ZBSc6nFsC&amp;pg=PA46 The Listening Composer], p. 46.

*It is the [[harmony]] of the diverse parts, their symmetry, their happy balance; in a word it is all that introduces order, all that gives [[unity]], that permits us to see clearly and to comprehend at once both the [[w:Ensemble|ensemble]] and the details.
**[[Henri Poincare ]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eYPBAyDRjOUC&amp;pg=PA3 Ultra Low Power Bioelectronics], p. 3.

*...among its most [[w:Tender|tender]] flesh without a [[w:Reflex|reflex]] or [[w:Cry|cry]], then at least, at very least, waiting for a [[symmetry]] of choices to break down, to go skew....
**[[Thomas Pynchon]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6gDQabKQi0oC&amp;pg=PA97 Middle Grounds: Studies in Contemporary American Fiction], p. 97.

== Q ==
== R ==
[[File:WMAP 2006 94 GHz temperature map.png|right|thumb|[[Varadaraja V. Raman]]: When one is involved in the [[discovery]] and discernment of the marvelous [[laws]] and symmetries that shape the phenomenal world, one cannot but be struck by the silent and unfathomable [[intelligence]] that seems to pervade the [[Cosmos]].]]
*When one is involved in the [[discovery]] and discernment of the marvelous [[laws]] and symmetries that shape the phenomenal world, one cannot but be struck by the silent and unfathomable [[intelligence]] that seems to pervade the [[Cosmos]].
**[[Varadaraja V. Raman]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=UggdrSiVvhsC&amp;pg=PA142 Truth and Tension in Science and Religion], p. 142
[[File:Sabine wheel by alexander braun.png|right|thumb|Graphic design -[[Paul Rand]]:Graphic design, which evokes the symmetria of Vituvius, the dynamic symmetry of Hambidge, the asymmetry of Mondrian; which is a good gestalt, generated by intuition or by computer, by invention or by a system of coordinates, is not good design if it does not communicate.]]
*[[Graphic design]], which evokes the ''symmetria of Vituvius'', the dynamic symmetry of Hambidge, the asymmetry of Mondrian; which is a good gestalt, generated by intuition or by computer, by invention or by a system of coordinates, is not good design if it does not communicate.
**[[w:Paul Rand|Paul Rand]], in [http://search.barnesandnoble.com/used/product.asp?ean=2693798829311 Paul Rand: A Designer's Art].

*I don't know if it's a [[sign]] of all the chaos that is happening out there or not, but I've lately craved the structure and order of [[classical music]], the balance and symmetry.
**[[w:Helen Reddy|Helen Reddy]], in [http://worldclassicalnetwork.com/programming.htm WCN Programming]

*No human face is exactly the same in its lines on each side, no leaf [[perfect]] in its lobes, no branch in its symmetry. All admit irregularity as they imply change; and to [[w:Banish|banish]] [[w:Imperfection|
imperfection]] is to destroy [[expression]], to check [[w:Exterion|exertion]], to paralyze [[w:Vitality|vitality]]. All things are literally better, lovelier, and more beloved for the imperfections which have been divinely appointed, that the law of human life may be Effort, and the law of human [[judgment]], [[Mercy]].
**[[John Ruskin]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=97B464jAVGcC&amp;pg=PA138 The Pre-Raphaelites: Writings and Sources, Volume 3], p. 138.

== S ==

*Let us think that no [[human rights]] will exist without symmetry of the duties that correspond to them. It is not to be expected that government in the next 50 years will do it.
**[[José Saramago]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ovhoCr4zUDAC&amp;pg=PA12 Service Learning: Linking Library Education and Practice], p. 12.

*His [[genius]] for [[poetry]] and [[music]] enabled him to reproduce the [[rhythm]] and [[melody]], the [[w:Conscious parallelism|parallelism]] and symmetry, of [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]] poetry and [[w:Prose|prose]].
**[[Philip Schaff]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=w3JrAXpjxEEC&amp;pg=PT402 History of the Christian Church, Volume VII. Modern Christianity. The German ...], p. 402
[[File:Charles Burnham at the Mimi Festival, Frioul islands, Marseilles, France.jpg|right|thumb|[[Pierre Schaeffer]]:Take a sound from whatever source, a note on a violin, a scream, a moan, a creaking door, and there is always this symmetry between the sound basis, which is complex and has numerous characteristics which emerge through a process of comparison within our perception.]]
*Take a [[sound]] from whatever source, a note on a [[w:violin|violin]], a scream, a moan, a creaking door, and there is always this symmetry between the sound basis, which is complex and has numerous characteristics which emerge through a process of comparison within our [[perception]].
**[[Pierre Schaeffer ]], in [http://www.ele-mental.org/ele_ment/said&amp;did/schaeffer_interview.html pierre schaefferan interview with the pioneer of musique concrete].

*[[Consistency]] is the [[enemy]] of [[enterprise]], just as symmetry is the enemy of [[art]].
**[[George Bernard Shaw ]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=f_fhVr6Hz98C&amp;pg=PT201 The EU's Foreign Policy: What Kind of Power and Diplomatic Action?], p. 201.

*Perhaps the most profound synthesis of physical [[science]]s came from the realization that everything could be understood from “[[conservation]] laws” and symmetry principles.
**[[Didier Sornette]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eUd8MWV_twMC&amp;pg=RA1-PA136 Why Stock Markets Crash: Critical Events in Complex Financial Systems], p. 36.

== T ==
[[File:Antoine-Louis Barye - Gazelle of Ethiopia - Walters 2731.jpg|right|thumb|[[Bayard Taylor]]:The nearest approach I have ever seen to the symmetry of ancient [[sculpture]] was among the [[w:Arab tribe|Arab tribes]] of [[Ethiopia]]. Our [[w:Saxon Race|Saxon race]] can supply the [[w:Athlete|athlete]], but not the [[w:Apollo|Apollo]].]]
*The nearest approach I have ever seen to the symmetry of ancient [[sculpture]] was among the [[w:Arab tribe|Arab tribes]] of [[Ethiopia]]. Our [[w:Saxon Race|Saxon race]] can supply the [[w:Athlete|athlete]], but not the [[w:Apollo|Apollo]].
**[[Bayard Taylor]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=pNk6AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA534  Putnam's Monthly, Volume 4], p. 534.

== U ==
== V ==

*The universe is built on a plan the profound symmetry of which is somehow present in the inner structure of our [[intellect]].
**[[Paul Valery]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8qIZuhFlAK0C&amp;pg=PA2456 Gaither's Dictionary of Scientific Quotations: A Collection of Approximately ...], p. 2456.

== W ==
[[File:Hoag's object.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Steven Weinberg|Steven Weinberg]]: We have simply arrived too late in the history of the universe to see this [[w:primordial|primordial]] [[simplicity]] easily … But although the symmetries are hidden from us, we can sense that they are latent in nature, governing everything about us. That's the most exciting idea I know: that nature is much simpler than it looks. Nothing makes me more hopeful that our generation of human beings may actually hold the key to the universe in our hands—that perhaps in our lifetimes we may be able to tell why all of what we see in this immense universe of [[w:Galaxy|galaxies]] and particles is logically inevitable.]]

*Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole.
**[[Derek Walcott]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wqVZvo5BH0EC&amp;pg=PA26 Derek Walcott: Politics and Poetics], p. 26.

*We have simply arrived too late in the history of the universe to see this [[w:primordial|primordial]] [[simplicity]] easily … But although the symmetries are hidden from us, we can sense that they are latent in nature, governing everything about us. That's the most exciting idea I know: that nature is much simpler than it looks. Nothing makes me more hopeful that our generation of human beings may actually hold the key to the universe in our hands—that perhaps in our lifetimes we may be able to tell why all of what we see in this immense universe of [[w:Galaxy|galaxies]] and particles is logically inevitable.
**[[w:Steven Weinberg|Steven Weinberg]], in  [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=nNZXAAAAYAAJ The key to the universe: a report on the new physics], p. 185.

*Symmetry is a vast subject, significant in [[art]] and [[nature]]. [[Mathematics]] lies at its root, and it would be hard to find a better one on which to demonstrate the working of the mathematical [[intellect]].
**[[Hermann Weyl]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=EHRDnU29PO8C&amp;pg=PA269  Mathematics and Culture I], p. 269.

== X ==

*Thus the [[w:Scale (music)|musical scale]] is a convention which circumscribes the area of potentiality and permits construction within those limits in its own particular symmetry.
**[[Iannis Xenakis]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=y6lL3I0vmMwC&amp;pg=PA132 Formalized Music: Thought and Mathematics in Composition], p. 132.

== Y ==

*[[Nature]] seems to take advantage of the simple mathematical representations of the symmetry laws. When one pauses to consider the elegance and the beautiful perfection of the mathematical reasoning involved and contrast it with the complex and far-reaching physical consequences, a deep sense of respect for the power of the symmetry laws never fails to develop.
**[[w:Chen-Ning Yang|Chen-Ning Yang]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4abygoxLdwQC&amp;pg=PA339 Mathematically Speaking: A Dictionary of Quotations]

*By the late Nineties, we had become a more [[visual]] nation. Big-money taste moved to global standards - new [[architecture]], design and show-off contemporary art. The Sloane domestic [[w:aesthetics|aesthetic]] - symmetry, class symbolism and brown furniture - became as unfashionable as it had been hot in the early Eighties.
**[[w:Peter York|Peter York]], in [http://www.scribd.com/doc/52310114/Great-Marketing-Stories Great Marketing Stories - Scribd]

== Z ==
== Anonymous ==
*Time could not mar the [[perfect]] symmetry of those walls. Moonlight can play odd tricks upon the [[fancy]], and suddenly it seemed to me that [[light]] came from the windows.
**In [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8ad5Z_BLi90C&amp;pg=PA203 Transcript of Listening Drills], p. 203.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|symmetry}}
[[Category:Themes]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 11</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T01:27:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>49.224.209.79</ip>
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      <comment>/* A Full Course Tag Battle! */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="54075" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl: Battle Dimension (advertised as Pokémon: DP Battle Dimension), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the eleventh season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the continuing adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he continues to travel Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Tears For Fears! ==
:'''Ash''': Come on, Brock! Lunch ready yet?
:'''Brock''': IT'D BE DONE A LOT SOONER IF YOU'D HELP OUT A LITTLE!!!
:'''Dawn''': Brock's right, you know. Do something!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': Focus on the here and now. It's the first day of the rest of your life!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Surf those nets!
:'''Brock''': What the--?
:'''Dawn''': Not you guys again!

== Once There Were Greenfields! ==
:'''James''': That's my Grass-type! Go grow your own.

== Throwing the Track Switch! ==

== The Keystone Pops! ==
:'''Jessie''': Being clueless can be a bad habit!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Old Woman''': If they think they can capture Spiritomb, they're dumber than they look.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Old Woman''': They're MUCH dumber than they look.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Listen, is that bad guy talk I hear?
:'''Dawn''': It speaks to me loud and clear!
:'''Ash''': On the wind!
:'''Dawn''': Past the stars...
:'''Brock''': In your ear!
:'''Jessie''': IT'S THAT KIND OF IMITATION THEY INVENTED LAWSUITS FOR!!

== Bibarel Gnaws Best! ==

== Nosing 'Round the Mountain! ==
:'''James''': ''[singing]'' This is the way me make the antenna, make the antenna, make the antenna, this is the way we make the antenna, so early in the morning!

== Luxray Vision! ==
:'''Marble''': I was just about to say the same thing!

== Journey to the Unown! ==
:'''Kenny''': I am kinda surprised you didn't even know what the name of the evolved form of Aipom is, Dee-Dee.
:'''Dawn''': DON'T EVER CALL ME DEE-DEE AGAIN!
:'''Ash''': Kenny, why do you call her Dee-Dee?
:'''Dawn''': NO! ''[Dawn desperately grabs Ash's mouth]'' ASH, DON'T GO THERE!
:'''Brock''': Mm-hmm, guess everybody's got secrets hidden in their closet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Where are we?
:'''Brock''': Looks like we're completely blocked in.
:''[Ash and Brock suddenly hear Kenny screaming]''
:'''Kenny''': ''[frightened]'' Th-The walls are all weird!
:'''Ash''': Kenny! Relax, Kenny! It's us!
:'''Kenny''': But look at the walls! They're breathing or something!
:'''Ash''': Just relax! Take a deep breath.
:'''Kenny''': You mean you're not scared?

== Team Shocker! ==
:'''Contesta''': A marvelous win! Is this your first ribbon?
:'''Jessie''': Ahaha! You can say the most embarrassing things!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': You know, I think Jessie must have been so carefree cranked and confident about winning this time around that not even her brain could catch up!
:'''James''': Especially with a brain that slow.

== Tanks for the Memories! ==
:''[Ash and his Pokémon are dressed as maids]''
:'''Ash''': Isn't this a bit over the top?
:'''Spring''': I'm sorry, but that's all we've got...
:'''Summer''': Don't worry about it. You look great!

== Hot Springing a Leak! ==
:'''Dawn''': Leona!
:'''Leona''': Dee-Dee!
:'''Dawn''': OH, PLEASE! I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT NAME!
:'''Leona''': OK, I give!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leona''': Hold on...
:'''Dawn''': What, Leona? Something wrong?
:'''Leona''': I know our hot spring water like the back of my hand. The way it smells and looks, and this water's the same!
:''[Leona dips her hand in the water to check it out]''
:'''Leona''': I knew it! It feels the same, too!
:'''Swinub''': Swinub!
:'''Dawn''': Obviously your Swinub agree.
:'''Leona''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK, I THINK YOU TAPPED INTO OUR PIPE WITHOUT PERMISSION!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Why do Dawn's old friends call her Dee-Dee?
:'''Leona''': Ash, you don't know? Well, you see...
:''[Dawn comes over and pushes Leona's head underwater]''
:'''Dawn''': THIS HOT SPRING'S MORE HELP THAN I THOUGHT!

== Riding the Winds of Change! ==
:''[Turtwig’s attacks miss the Gliscor and Gligar]''
:'''Brock''': Okay, return! ''[returns his Pokémon]''
:'''Dawn''': Everybody! ''[returns her Pokémon]''
:'''Ash''': ''[returns his Pokémon, except Turtwig]'' Brock, Dawn, you okay?
:'''Brock''': We’re fine.
:'''Dawn''': But who are those Pokémon?
:'''Brock''': Gliscor and Gligar.
:'''Dawn''': Wow, I gotta see this.
:''[Ash and Dawn open their Pokédexes]''
:'''Dawn’s Pokédex''': Gligar, the FlyScorpion Pokémon. It glides using the membrane attached to its arms and legs, and attacks the face of its prey with its claws.
:'''Ash’s Pokédex''': Gliscor, the Fang Scorp Pokémon, and the evolved form of Gligar. It watches its prey as it hangs from trees by its tail and attacks from above when it sees the chance.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Gligar falls on Ash when he tries to catch it]''
:'''Ash''': Hey! Can't you watch where you fall?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Turtwig’s Energy Ball misses Team Rocket]''
:'''Brock''': The distance is there...
:'''Dawn''': But the control isn’t!
:'''Ash''': Turtwig, try again and aim carefully.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Turtwig's Energy Ball successfully destroys Team Rocket's balloon]''
:'''Jessie''': ''[to Meowth]'' I wanted to net Gligar, not YOU!
:'''Meowth''': I guess it's back ta scrounging for our own sandwiches.
:'''James''': And consistently empty stomachs translate into just one thing...
:'''Team Rocket''': We're blasting off again!
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wobbuffet!
:''[Ping!]''
:'''Ash''': ''[To Turtwig]'' That was awesome. Now don’t forget how that felt.
:'''Turtwig''': ''[nods]'' Turtwig.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After sending all Gligar back to the forest]''
:'''Nurse Joy''': Oh, my. That’s a relief.
:'''Officer Jenny''': Now we can finally relax.
:''[One of the Gligar flies on-screen]''
:'''Gligar''': Gli. ''[winks and licks its lips affectionately]'' Gligar!
:'''Ash''': Not again!
:''[Gligar lands on Ash and starts struggling]''
:'''Ash''': Hey! Where'd you learn how to fly?!
:'''Dawn''': ''[drags Gligar off of Ash]'' Why didn't you go with your friends?
:'''Gligar''': ''[winks and licks its lips affectionately]'' Gli.
:'''Brock''': I'll tell you what I think: Gligar likes Ash.
:'''Dawn and Ash''': ''[confused]'' Huh?!
:''[Ash gasps in amazement, then looks at his Gligar friend]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[smiling]'' Gligar.

== Sleight of Sand! ==
:''[when Butch and Cassidy arrived, with Dawn meeting them for the first time...]''
:'''Ash and Jessie''': Cassidy...
:'''Brock and James''': ...and Biff!
:'''Butch''': ''[annoyed and irritated]'' I told you it's not &quot;Biff&quot;, it's &quot;Butch&quot;! James, you're as bad as your twerps!
:'''Dawn''': I thought one Team Rocket was bad enough.
:'''Cassidy''': So, what are you doing here messing up the landscape, Jessie?
:'''Jessie''': Now, stop stealing all of my lines! What are you doing here?!
:'''Cassidy''': Ask Professor Bamba. ''[phone rings]'' Huh? ''[answers it]'' Hello there!
:'''Dr. Namba''': ''[on phone]'' It's &quot;Namba&quot;!
:'''Cassidy''': Uh... We're here on orders from Professor Namba. He wants to study the sand that Hippowdon sprayed out, so he sent us to capture one.
:'''Jessie''': You tell Professor fan-boy...! ''[phone rings]'' Huh?
:'''Cassidy''': Huh? ''[answers it, but throws it to Jessie]'' It's for you.
:'''Jessie''': Oh? ''[talks into it]'' Hello?
:'''Dr. Namba''': ''[on phone]'' It's still &quot;Namba&quot;!
:'''Jessie''': ''[groans]'' Alright, why didn't that loud mouth give us the orders instead of you? Let us not forget that the Sinnoh region is our turf! ''[throws the phone back to Cassidy, and Cassidy catches it]''
:'''Cassidy''': Well, that's not what I hear. Giovanni told me personally that we're his two and only Sinnoh region reps.
:''[Jessie, James, and Meowth gasp in shock]''
:'''James''': But we've been hitting the dusty Sinnoh trail since way back!
:'''Butch''': Perhaps you've all forgotten just how forgetable you fools can be.
:'''Cassidy''': True. Tee-hee. ''[she and Butch laugh evilly]''
:'''Jessie''': ''[groans]'' Where'd you get that bucket of bolts?!
:'''Butch''': It's actually a present from Professor Kimba.
:''[phone rings and Butch answers it]''
:'''Dr. Namba''': ''[on phone]'' It's &quot;Namba&quot;!
:'''Ash''': Now, Turtwig, use Razor Leaf, let's go! Help out Hippowdon!
:'''Butch''': It's one of Professor Namba's inventions.
:'''James''': ''[groans]'' We finance and build our own machines. It's just not fair that a brat named Bilge gets all the perks!
:'''Butch''': ''[enraged]'' I just told you, it's not &quot;Bilge&quot;, it's &quot;Butch&quot;!
:'''Ash''': Now, Turtwig, use Razor Leaf, let's go! Help out Hippowdon! ''[sends Turtwig out]''
:'''Turtwig''': Turtwig! Tur! ''(uses Razor Leaf to cut through the net)''
:'''Cassidy''': We don't need twerp interference!

== Lost Leader Strategy! ==
:'''Meowth''': Yippee, yahoo!

== Crossing the Battle Line! ==

== A Triple Fighting Chance! ==
:'''Dawn''': ''[cheerleading]'' Come on, Ash! Go for it! Fight, fight, fight! Maylene, Maylene, do it right!
:'''Brock''': Wow, Dawn. Cheering for both sides?
:'''Dawn''': Well, I want to witness the greatest battle of all time!
:'''Ash''': That all? No prob!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Hang in, Chimchar!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Maylene''': Well, you did great, Machoke. Thanks. And you, Ash, the way you switch from Quick Attack to Aerial Ace, I'm impressed!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Maylene''': Lucario, excellent as always!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Referee''': Both Pokémon are unable to battle! Therefore, this battle is a draw!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Maylene''': Well then. Let's say that Ash challenged me to the greatest battle of all time. Wouldn't this be a good reason for you to agree? They agreed. Ash, please accept the Cobble Badge.

== Enter Galactic! ==
:''[Team Rocket are looking at some glowing meteorites]''
:'''Jessie''': Those rocks are more valuable than the one in the boss' pinkie-ring!
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wobba!
:'''James''': Train your eyes on the way they just lay there like the whole lot of them are just longing for us to lock and load them away.
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wobba!
:'''Meowth''': Yippee-yay! ''[singing]'' Here we make off with the meteorites, the meteorites, the meteorites...
:'''Jessie''': Now, that's a nursery rhyme I can live by! Profound words bringing profound wealth.
:'''James''': Of course, carrying them will cause a profound hernia.
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wa...?!
:'''Meowth''': Huh?!
:'''Jessie''': Ah!
:''[They sigh in defeat]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[A helicopter lands on the grass and several grunts from Team Galactic jump out. Saturn climbs out as the grunts prepare to do their job, unaware that Team Rocket is watching them from behind a bush]''
:'''Team Rocket''': They're here. And that wardrobe.
:''[Cut to Saturn]''
:'''Saturn''': Start meteorite collection.
:''[A second helicopter lowers its claw to pick up one of the meteorites. Meanwhile, Team Rocket are still watching from behind the bush]''
:'''James''': Upscale equipment!
:'''Meowth''': Yowza! Too rich for our bank account!
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James and Meowth) Will you yahoos stop nickel-and-diming?! Those are our meteors they're making off with!
:''[Meanwhile, Ash, Maylene, Lucario, Dawn and Brock are running to the meteorite field]''
:'''Maylene''': Lucario says it has something to do with the meteorites in the park.
:'''Brock''': Did you call Officer Jenny?
:'''Maylene''': The phones are dead, so I sent Connally out as messenger.
:'''Ash''': Check out the helicopters! They've been hovering above the park all day long.
:''[Back in the meteorite field, a helicopter lowers its claw to pick up one of the meteorites, with Team Rocket still watching from behind the bush]''
:'''Jessie''': (angrily) I will not witness my meteorites being manhandled by a bunch of bowl-headed fashion freaks!
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wa...?!
:'''James''': Wha?!
:'''Meowth''': But the place is crawling with bowl-heads!
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James and Meowth) Have you two ninnies that Team Rocket's middle name is Pride?!
:''[Then, they are spotted by a Galactic Grunt]''
:'''Team Galactic Grunt''': What are you doing here?
:'''Team Rocket''': Ah!
:'''Saturn''': Hm. Not you losers again.
:''[Jessie jumps out from behind the bush]''
:'''Jessie''': Your stupid team has much more to lose.
:''[James joins her]''
:'''James''': Look in the mirror at the haircut you choose.
:'''Jessie''': &quot;Cutting edge&quot;?!
:'''James''': What a joke!
:'''Meowth''': What a ruse!
:'''Saturn''': Ugh...
:'''Jessie''': We're bringing chaos...
:'''Saturn''': Toxicroak, go!
:'''James''': Dashing hope, putting fear in its place.
:'''Jessie''': A rose by any other name is just as sweet. (As she says this line, Saturn's Toxicroak appears)
:'''James''': When everything's worse, our work is complete.
:'''Jessie''': Jessie!
:'''James''': James!
:'''Meowth''': Meowth's the name!
:'''Saturn''': Sludge Bomb, Toxicroak.
:'''Jessie''': Putting the fashion police in their place....
:'''Saturn's Toxicroak''': TOXICROA-OA-OAK! (Uses Sludge Bomb on Team Rocket who end up on another patch of grass just as Ash, Maylene, Lucario, Dawn and Brock arrive)
:'''Ash''': It's Team Rocket!
:'''Maylene''': But where are the meteorites?
:'''Dawn''': And who are THEY?
:'''Ash''': Team Rocket - those guys friends of yours?
:''[Team Rocket quickly get up as Jessie answers to Ash, Maylene, Lucario, Dawn and Brock]''
:'''Jessie''': (agitated madly;sarcastic) '''SURE!''' BEST FRIENDS LIKE YOU!
:'''Ash''': What about that Pokémon? (Gets out his Pokédex and scans Toxicroak)
:'''Ash's Pokédex''': Toxicroak, the Toxic Mouth Pokémon, and the evolved form of Croagunk. The poison produced in its sacs is carried through tubes in its arms to its knuckle claws.
:'''Meowth''': Fashion freaks or not, they stole our meteorites and they're no friends of ours!
:'''Dawn''': Fashion? Since when?
:'''Piplup''': Piplup?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': ''[singing]'' It's a new world after all~

== The Bells Are Singing! ==
:'''Ash''': Give us back those Chingling!

== Pokémon Ranger and the Kidnapped Riolu! (Part 1) ==

== Pokémon Ranger and the Kidnapped Riolu! (Part 2) ==

== Crossing Paths! ==
:''[The Dustox migration is about to begin...]''
:'''Jessie''': So, Dustox.
:'''Dustox''': Tox? [Yes?]
:'''Jessie''': Time to say goodbye.
:'''Dustox''': Dustox? [Are you sure?]
:'''Jessie''': Yeah, get going.
:''[Dustox goes with the Shiny Dustox, but a few seconds later, she comes back]''
:'''Jessie''': You like that Dustox, right? So then go on!
:'''Dustox''': Dustox...[What about you?]
:'''Jessie''': Don't worry about me! I'm going to be fine. Now move it!
:'''Dustox''': ''[still trying to convince Jessie to stay]'' Dustox...Dustox...[Please, I want to stay with you!]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Remembering how she lost her love due to a poor decision, Jessie did not want to have her Dustox make the same mistake.] ''
:'''Jessie''': You have to go! Just do it! Go and be with the one you love!
:'''Dustox''': Dustox..tox. [Please, I don't want to leave you.]
:''[Leaving Jessie no choice, she whips out Dustox's former Poke-ball]''
:'''Jessie''': You know what this is, don't ya, Dustox? It's your Poke-ball, of course. ''[She drops it onto the ground]'' 
:'''James''': Jess, what in the world are you doing?
:'''Meowth''': Hold on, Jess, think!
:''[As Dustox pleads with Jessie to consider, Jessie tearfully stomps on Dustox's Poke-ball, confirming that Dustox is now no longer a member of Team Rocket]''
:'''Jessie''': ''[tearfully]'' Now there's no more Poke-ball for you to return to! So that's it! ''[Dustox is saddened by her decision]'' Now go on and get out of here! 
:'''Dustox''': Dustox...Dustox...Dustox...[Okay, Jessie, I guess this is goodbye then...]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Remembering her times with Dustox, since she was a Wurmple...]''
:'''Jessie''': Dustox, my dearest, go fall in love and do it all with your heart! Do it for both of us!
:'''James''': Bye, Dustox!
:'''Meowth''': You be happy!

== Pika and Goliath! ==
:''[Note: While it is a good episode, it does come heavily under fire for being a rehash of the Lt. Surge episode: Ash's Pikachu loses to a Raichu owned by an arrogant trainer (due to it knowing Hyper Beam, a move Pikachu cannot use unless it evolves into Raichu), Pikachu refusing the Thunder Stone, and Ash wiping the smirk off a trainer's Raichu in a rematch, earning respect.]''
:'''Show''': Back off, Jack! Scratch for your own catch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Show''': Chill out, yo. Check it, my Mareep for your Pikachu, switch.
:'''Ash''': Forget it!
:'''Show''': Then try this on. A Magneton and a Magnemite. We good?
:'''Ash''': Hey, I told you, no deal!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu!
:'''Brock''': So why do you want Pikachu so much?
:'''Show''': Easy. I'm already down with a cool Pichu and Raichu, but I also wanna be makin' friends with a cool Pikachu, dig? Lemme break it down. I want a full power evolution set, yo!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Why don't you get your Pichu to evolve and be done with it?
:'''Show''': No way! Then I'd have to head on out and snatch another Pichu, dig? Look, kid. If you don't wanna do business, then book. Take a hike.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Show''': If I win this battle, that Pikachu's mine all mine.
:'''Ash''': No way!
:'''Show''': 'Sup with that? My guys would all testify I'm bein' straight up. Or maybe you're bailin' 'cause you can't cut it!
:'''Ash''': My Pikachu's not goin' anywhere!
:'''Show''': What a wimp. Germs like you give real men a bad rap. Guess I'll just have to show you the fine battle art of bustin' chops, chump!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': He was right. You were pathetic.
:'''Ash''': It's Paul!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': I'm Ash. Who are you?
:'''Show''': Who, me? Guess it's time to represent. Full out with electric power! The super-sizzlin' man of the hour! Lord lightnin'! The one in the know! It's Mister Show!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Show''': Let's put a period on this! Hyper Beam, now!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Show''': Even match? But my Raichu should be all over Pikachu like a sunburn!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Show''': The next time we dance, we're gonna lock it down!

== Our Cup Runneth Over! ==
:''[Gligar glomps Ash]''
:'''Brock''': At least you know how Gligar feels about it, in no uncertain terms.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Wallace''': I'm terribly sorry, but Seviper can't perform Aqua Ring.
:'''Jessie''': But... it's dressed up like Milotic!
:'''Wallace''': But it's still impossible.
:'''Jessie''': Meany pants...

== A Full Course Tag Battle! ==
:'''May''': Yoo-hoo! Long time, no see!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': So, what's Max up to these days?
:'''Dawn''': Oh yeah! Max is your little brother, right, May?
:'''May''': Right! Max is doing great!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawn''': That's amazing! So, May, when did you arrive in Sinnoh?
:'''May''': Three days ago. There was something I wanted to do before the Wallace Cup got started. So first, I went to Snowpoint City.

== Staging a Heroes' Welcome! ==
:'''May''': What d'ya know! Croagunk's doing Max's job!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ash has just finished registering for the Wallace Cup]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, I'm all registered!
:'''Zoey''': Ash! Long time, no see!
:'''Ash''': Zoey!
:'''Zoey''': Now don't tell me you're entering the Wallace Cup too?
:'''Ash''': Yeah! We were hanging out with Wallace the other day and he'd told me I should enter it, with Buizel.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Paul is watching Ash on TV at a Pokémon Center]''
:'''Paul''': What does he think he's doing?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawn''': But everyone else performed so well. I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself. I'm starting to think maybe it's still too early for me to get back on the contest stage.
:'''Piplup''': PIP, PIPLUP! PIPLUP, PIPLUP! [COME ON, DAWN! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!]
:'''Dawn''': What's eating you?! Don't get short with me! After all, I'm doing the best I can and you know it!

== Pruning a Passel of Pals! ==
:'''Marian''': Just great, Jessadia!
:'''Jessie''': Thanks! One of us needs to be!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Friends are forever, but so is winning the Wallace Cup.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': It's finals time, and you are there! Thoughts and feelings?
:'''Dawn''': Uh...uh...
:'''Jessie''': Well now, that's profound. A quotable utterance if there ever was one! Remember, folks, you heard it here first! &quot;Uh, uh.&quot; The catchphrase for a new generation! Encapsulating all the excitement of the wonderful Wallace Cup, this has been another insightful interview with Jessadia, bye!
:'''Johanna''': Wow, the mainstream media sure are changing.

== Strategy with a Smile! ==
:'''Brock''': Don't forget, you can dine all over the world, but you won't get my cooking!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''May''': Bye, everybody!

== The Thief That Keeps on Thieving! ==

== Chim-Charred! ==
:'''Paul''': ''[To Ash's Gligar]'' You stopped our training. Get out.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': What's so funny?!
:'''Paul''': Remember the reason I entered the tag battle in Hearthome City?
:'''Ash''': Yeah?
:'''Paul''': Well, YOU gave ME a hard time, just because I did it to get my Pokémon in better shape for a real battle. BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU PULLED AT THE WALLACE CUP! GET IT?!
:'''Ash''': WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
:'''Dawn''': Brock, I smell a fight coming on.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Paul''': Well, the fact is, I did win it. But you weren't able to win '''''the Wallace Cup now, were you?''''' Another perfect example of just how strong you '''''aren't!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': You really think you'd be able to control that?
:'''Ash''': Who knows? I sure don't yet. But if anyone can, Chimchar can, no doubt.
:'''Paul''': Spoken just like a fool. Once you two figured out how to control that flame, we'll battle again.
:'''Ash''': Okay, Paul, it's a deal! ''[Note: Because of Ash's refusal to trigger and control Chimchar's Blaze and improve Chimchar through faith instead of through evolution and strength, he pays for neglecting this task later]''

== Cream of the Croagunk Crop! ==

== A Crasher Course in Power! ==

== Hungry for a Good Life! ==

== Fighting Fear with Fear! ==
:''[Dawn sets a pot of stew on the table]''
:'''Dawn''': Okay!
:''[Ash and Brock have placed bowls of Pokémon food]''
:'''Brock''': We’re all set.
:'''Ash''': ‘Kay, gang, chow time!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Dawn''': Come and get it!
:''[All of their Pokémon storm out of the water, go to their bowls and start eating]''
:'''Brock''': That is some of my special Pokémon food. And I made plenty, so eat up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawn''': ''[laughs]'' That’s Turtwig for you.
:'''Ash''': Yeah! ''[notices Gligar isn't there]'' Huh? Hey, where’d Gligar go? I’ll find out.
:'''Croagunk''': ''[eating]'' Croa... croa... croa...
:'''Ash''': ''[calling out]'' Hey, Gligar, come here!
:'''Gligar''': ''[appears above Ash]'' Gli!
:'''Ash''': Huh? ''[notices Gligar just as he lands on him]'' Ugh! ''[Gligar gets off of Ash]'' Why’d you do that?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pikachu?
:'''Gligar''': ''[uses X-Scissor on the ground]'' Gli! Gli!
:'''Ash''': Oh, that’s X-Scissor. Does that mean you wanna do some battle training?
:'''Gligar''': ''[nods]'' Gli, Gli.
:'''Brock''': That makes sense to me... ''[flashback of Gligar’s battle with Paul’s Gliscor]'' ...especially after Gligar had that frustrating battle with Paul’s Gliscor.
:''[As soon as the flashback ends, once hearing this, Gligar starts crying and groaning out of depression]''
:'''Dawn''': Careful, you’re going to get Gligar really depressed.
:'''Brock''': Uh, sorry, Gligar.
:'''Ash:''' Training, huh? So you wanna get stronger, right?
:'''Gligar:''' ''[nods]'' Gli!
:'''Ash''': Awesome! We’ll get down to it right after lunch.
:'''Gligar''': Gligar!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Gligar and Buizel are having a stare-down]''
:'''Narrator''': As our heroes continue the Sinnoh region trek toward Hearthome City and Ash’s next Gym battle, we find a very motivated Gligar prompting a round of special training.
:'''Buizel''': Bui! Bui, Bui!
:'''Ash''': Gligar, you’re in the thick of it. Use your eyes and show that winning glare!
:'''Gligar''': ''[steps forward]'' Gli! [''gasps once noticing Buizel’s evil smirk and growl'']
:'''Buizel''': ''[angrily]'' Bui, Bui!
:'''Gligar''': ''[tears up and starts begging]'' Gli, Gli, Gli...
:'''Ash''': Well, that’s not gonna work. Gligar, you can’t give up before you start.
:'''Pikachu''': ''[embarrassed]'' Pika, Pika.
:'''Ash''': Gligar, now! Use X-Scissor and keep it going!
:'''Gligar''': ''[powers up]'' Gligar! ''[uses several X-Scissors on Buizel, who dodges them easily]''
:'''Ash''': Now, Buizel, use Aqua Jet!
:''[Buizel starts using Aqua Jet, intimidating Gligar so much that it clings onto Ash’s face, just before the Aqua Jet hits them both]''
:'''Ash''': Gligar, what’s wrong with you?!
:''[Gligar starts looking at the ground, tearing up and squeaking]''
:'''Dawn''': Ash, wait. Getting mad like that will just depress Gligar even more.
:'''Ash''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Well, yeah, but still...
:'''Dawn''': Cheer up, Gligar. No need to worry. You’ll just try a little harder next time and you’ll be wonderful.
:'''Gligar''': ''[hugs Dawn]'' Gligar.
:'''Ash''': Man, I don’t want Gligar to get spoiled.
:'''Brock''': On the other hand, treating Gligar harshly isn’t going to get you very far either, right?
:'''Ash''': ...Yeah. Okay, Turtwig, come out and gimme a hand! ''[sends in Turtwig]''
:'''Turtwig''': Turtwig!
:'''Ash''': Now, Turtwig. Energy Ball!
:'''Turtwig''': ''[starts forming the Energy Ball]'' Tur...
:'''Gligar''': ''[afraid]'' Gligar.
:'''Ash''': Gligar, if you don’t pay attention, you won’t be able to dodge.
:'''Turtwig''': ''[fires the Energy Ball at Gligar]'' Turtwig!
:'''Gligar''': ''[leaps up]'' Gli!
:'''Ash''': Now use Steel Wing right from where you are!
:'''Gligar''': ''[hesitates]'' Uh? ''[uses Steel Wing]'' Gli! ''[pauses mid-dive once meeting Turtwig’s determined glare and defensive stance]'' Uh! ''[suddenly powers down and starts babbling and spinning around]''
:'''Brock''': Huh?
:'''Gligar''': ''[turns and heads for Ash]'' Gligar.
:'''Ash''': Look out! ''[runs away with Pikachu in tow]'' Come on, Gligar, not over here!
:'''Dawn''': Of course, NOW Gligar can fly straight as an arrow.
:'''Brock''': ''[groans]'' Uh...
:'''Ash''': ''[pointing towards Turtwig]'' Your opponent’s back over there! ''[Gligar closes in and lands on Ash’s face]'' Ah! ''[removes Gligar from his face]'' What're you thinking?! ''[Gligar whimpers]'' You’re gonna have to stop crying and start toughening up. Let’s try it once more.
:'''Gligar''': Gligar! ''[flies off]''
:'''Ash''': Gligar!
:'''Dawn''': Where are you going?
:'''Gligar''': Gligar!
:''[From behind a bush, Team Rocket is eavesdropping the heroes]''
:'''James''': Best wear a helmet when Gligar calls.
:'''Meowth''': ''[laughs]'' I just thought of the perfect way to utilize that head-hugger.
:'''Jessie''': I’m sensing a scene change.
:'''Meowth''': It’s a doozy!
:''[Begin boss fantasy]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Gligar, where are you?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika!
:'''Dawn''': Hey, Gligar!
:'''Brock''': Say something!
:'''Ash''': This is just great. Things don’t go perfectly, so Gligar throws in the towel.
:'''Pikachu''': ''[disappointed]'' Pika.
:'''Staravia''': ''[o.s.]'' Staravia!
:'''Ash''': ''[looks up]'' Huh? ''[to Staravia]'' Staravia, did you find Gligar?
:'''Staravia''': Star! ''[flies off, making the others follow him]'' Staravia, Star. ''[after a while, he lands near the spot where Gary found Gligar]'' Star.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Gary''': Huh? 
:'''Dawn''': It’s the poetry guy’s grandson!
:''[In response, the others facefault just in front of Gary and Gligar]''
:'''Gary''': Hey, it’d be a lot easier if you used my name.
:'''Ash''': Hey, Gary. Why are you here?
:'''Gary''': I was just on my way over to Lake Valor to check out that Legendary Pokémon you guys saw.
:''[A flashback reveals Ash and Pikachu seeing Azelf’s spirit during the first night of the Wallace Cup]''
:'''Ash''': ''[v.o.]'' I’ll never forget that.
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Brock''': So does that mean Professor Rowan sent you?
:'''Gary''': Yeah. ''[glances at Gligar]'' Hey, what’s up with this Gligar?
:'''Ash''': It’s mine. We were just doing some special training.
:'''Gary''': Let me guess. In the middle of your training, Gligar took off.
:'''Ash''': Gary, how did you know that? 
:'''Gary''': Just call it a good guess. Seems your training method is a little bit to be desired, Ashy boy.
:'''Ash''': ''[angrily]'' What was that?!
:'''Gary''': Hey, I’m just offering you my help.
:'''Ash''': Thanks, but no thanks. ''[offers Gligar a hand]'' Come on, Gligar, let’s try it once more.
:'''Gligar''': ''[hides behind Gary]'' Gli!
:'''Gary''': Sounds like a “no, thank you” to me.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah?! ''[tugging Gligar towards him by the claws]'' Come on!
:''[Even so, Gligar resists the offer]''
:'''Dawn''': Maybe you should take Gary up on his offer to help.
:''[Ash stops in confusion]''
:'''Brock''': Yeah, just do this for Gligar. It might be best for everybody.
:'''Gary''': Yeah. What have you got to lose? ''[Ash growls in frustration]''
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pi.
:''[Gary brings out Umbreon]''
:'''Umbreon''': Umbreon.
:'''Gary''': It’s Gligar against Umbreon. We’ll be able to show you a few things.
:'''Ash''': We won’t go easy on ya! ''[to Gligar]'' Now, Gligar, Steel Wing!
:'''Gligar''': ''[using Steel Wing]'' Gli!
:'''Gary''': Umbreon, Shadow Ball!
:'''Umbreon''': ''[charging Shadow Ball]'' Umbre! ''[fires the Shadow Ball at Gligar, but misses]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[startled]'' Ah! Gli! ''[heads for Ash and clings on his head, much to Pikachu's dismay]''
:'''Gary''': I get it. Gligar freaks out easily when facing an opponent.
:'''Gligar''': ''[nervous]'' Gli. (Yeah.)
:'''Ash''': But Gligar, you wanna get strong?
:'''Gligar''': ''[nods sadly]'' Gligar.
:'''Brock''': Even though Gligar wants to get strong, as soon as any battling begins, this huge wave of uncontrollable fear takes over.
:'''Gary''': All right, so the first thing we have to work on is getting over that fear.
:'''Dawn''': But how do you do that?
:'''Ash''': You focus in and concentrate.
:'''Gary''': Ash, I guess you’ll never change. ''[Ash gasps, then groans in frustration]'' The most important thing about working with Steel Wing is to jump as high as you can, so if we can master that, no doubt Gligar will have lots more confidence in battle.
:'''Dawn''': That’s great. Gary sure gives instructions better than Ash.
:'''Ash''': ''[irately]'' I heard that!
:'''Brock''': But how does Gligar increase its jumping power?
:'''Gary''': By using the end of Gligar’s tail like a spring when it takes off.
:'''Gligar''': ''[amazed]'' Gli.
:'''Ash''': Awesome. ''[to Gligar]'' ‘Kay, Gligar, use the end of your tail like a spring when you jump.
:'''Gligar''': ''[nods]'' Gli.
:'''Ash''': Now Steel Wing! Go!
:'''Gligar''': ''[standing on its tail]'' Gli! ''[flapping its wings]'' Gli, Gli, Gli! (One, two, three!) ''[jumps off the ground, ready to use Steel Wing]''
:'''Ash''': What a jump!
:''[Brief pause, until Gligar gasps in horror once noticing how high it jumped]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[whimpers in fear and powers down Steel Wing]'' Gli! ''[starts flailing down]'' Gli, Gli, Gli!
:''[Everyone else gasps until Gligar clings on Ash’s face with fear]''
:'''Ash''': ''[muffled]'' Mff!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pi!
:'''Dawn''': Oh, no.
:'''Brock''': Now Gligar's gotta deal with a fear of heights.
:'''Gary''': We’ve got a problem, all right. How much battling has Gligar done?
:'''Dawn''': Not much. Gligar got beaten pretty badly battling a Gliscor. ''[looks at Gligar]'' Maybe that’s why Gligar’s so scared now.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, makes sense. A Gliscor... ''[holds up a Razor Fang]'' Hey, I know! We’ll evolve Gligar. 
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn''': What’s that?
:'''Piplup''': Piplup?
:'''Brock''': It’s a Razor Fang.
:'''Gary''': Right, we’ll just evolve Gligar into Gliscor with this, ''[hands over the Razor Fang to Ash]'' and once we do that, all sorts of Gligar’s abilities will improve, and we can put the brakes on all that fear.
:'''Ash''': Wow, thanks, Gary. 
:'''Gligar''': ''[eagerly licks its lips]'' Gli! ''[tries to grab the item]''
:'''Ash''': Calm down, Gligar. Evolving is no substitute for some honest, hard work. You can evolve ''after'' you conquer your fear. ''[motions Gligar to stop]''
:'''Gligar''': Gar...
:''[A second later, an off-screen explosion is heard]''
:'''Gary''': What the?
:'''Jessie''': A clueless twerp is certainly nothing new.
:'''James''': You’re all pros at not getting a clue.
:'''Jessie''': Face the facts!
:'''James''': For a change!
:'''Meowth''': Stinks ta be you!
:'''Jessie''': We’ll bring chaos at a breakneck pace.
:'''James''': We’ll dash all hope and put fear in its place.
:'''Jessie''': It’s old home work for the twerps, we see.
:'''James''': But without us, you’re short by three.
:'''Jessie''': Jessie!
:'''James''': And James!
:'''Meowth''': Meowth makes it triple, you see!
:'''Jessie''': Putting you do-gooders in their place.
:'''James''': We’re Team Rocket!
:'''Team Rocket''': In your face!
:'''Wobbuffet''': ''[pops out of his Poké Ball]'' Wobbuffet! Wobbu!
:'''Brock and Dawn''': Team Rocket!
:'''Gary''': Don't you EVER get tired of being lame?
:'''Team Rocket''': SILENCE!
:'''Meowth''': Check out our Gliscor Bot! ''[presses a button on the remote, firing the robo-tail at Ash's Gligar]''
:'''Gliscor Bot''': ''[robotically]'' Gliscor. ''[grabs Gligar with its robo-tail]''
:'''Ash and Pikachu''': Aah!
:'''Ash''': Gligar!
:'''Gligar''': ''[terrified]'' Gligar!
:'''James''': Now THAT'S some tail with real torque!
:'''Meowth''': And you're a dork!
:'''Ash''': ''[chasing Team Rocket]'' Stop it right now! ''[jumps onto the Gliscor Bot]'' Gligar’s staying with me!
:'''Gligar''': Gli...
:'''James''': We don’t need the extra ballast.
:'''Jessie''': ''[exasperated]'' Brat! Always dragging us down.
:'''Ash''': ''[pulls out a Poké Ball]'' I’ll fix you! Staravia, stop Team Rocket!
:'''Staravia''': ''[emerges from his Poké Ball]'' Staravia! ''[charges at Team Rocket]''
:'''Jessie''': Spare me. Seviper, use Haze, and Yanmega, use Silver Wind!
:'''Seviper''': ''[emerges from its Poké Ball]'' Viper! [''spits out Haze''] Seviper!
:'''Yanmega''': ''[emerges from her Poké Ball]'' Yan! ''[uses Silver Wind]''
:'''Staravia''': ''[gets hit by both Haze and Silver Wind]'' Star! ''[gets knocked down while everyone else braces for the impact. Unfortunately, once the impact clears, Team Rocket, Ash and Gligar suddenly vanished]''
:'''Brock''': They’re gone!
:'''Dawn''': And with Gligar and Ash!
:''[Gary groans]''
:'''Pikachu''': ''[determined]'' Pika, Pika.
:[''Once Team Rocket’s Gliscor Bot balloon lands in a forest clearing, Ash and Gligar are revealed to be locked up inside a cage]''
:'''Ash''': Gligar, you’re not hurt, are you?
:'''Gligar''': ''[desperate]'' Gli.
:''[Both watch Team Rocket with suspicion, who are happy-go-lucky about the capture of their hostages]''
:'''James''': Everyone should have a Gliscor Bot.
:'''Jessie''': We do, and that’s what counts, which leads to the need to speed Gligar by Delibird express to the boss’s digs.
:'''Meowth''': Once the boss is dreamin' without mornin' interruption, we’ll be rollin' fat!
:'''James and Jessie''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wobbu!
:'''James''': So, to mark today’s victory, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a modest little meal, and here it is! [''reveals a table with dozens of canned food'']
:'''Jessie''': Wow. Canned food with eight layers of cans!
:'''Meowth''': There’s nothing more modest than a towering pile of tin!
:'''James''': Quick, eat before we're past the expiration date!
:'''Team Rocket''': Peel that tin and let’s dig in! 
:[''Team Rocket quickly starts gobbling up all the canned pieces of pineapples. Meanwhile, the sun is starting to set, but the rest of the gang are trying to find Ash and Gligar. Pikachu rests on Brock’s shoulder, while Staravia is flying, carrying Ash’s backpack on his back'']
:'''Dawn''': We haven’t found Ash and Gligar yet, and the sun is starting to go down.
:'''Gary''': I know this terrain like the back of my hand. And there just aren’t that many places where Team Rocket’s balloon could have touched down. This way.
:'''Dawn''': Right behind you, Gary.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup!
:''[Hours later, Team Rocket has fallen asleep after eating. On top of that, they all have bloated stomachs]''
:'''Jessie''': Mission accomplished. My needle’s on full.
:'''Meowth''': The only good tummy is a fully packed tummy.
:''[As for Ash and Gligar, it gives them their chance to escape]''
:'''Ash''': ''[quietly]'' Great. Now we can get outta here. ''[to Gligar]'' Quick, face the bars and then use X-Scissor.
:'''Gligar''': ''[nods quietly]'' Gli. ''[hits the bars with X-Scissor]'' Gligar! ''[the bars are left unscratched]''
:'''Ash''': One more time.
:'''Gligar''': Gli. ''[uses X-Scissor on the bars a second time]'' Gligar! ''[once realizing the cage’s sturdiness, Ash groans in frustration; teary]'' Gli. ''[shows one of its pincers to Ash, which is starting to glow red in pain]''
:'''Ash''': ''[softly]'' ‘Kay. Let me take a shot. ''[aloud]'' Here we go! ''[throws his shoulder at the cage]'' Ugh! ''[groans in pain]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[amazed]'' Gli...
:'''Ash''': One more time! ''[tackles the cage again]'' Ugh! ''[takes off his hat]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Gli...
:'''Ash''': ''[puts his hat back on]'' Look out! Here I come! ''[tackles again]'' Ugh! ''[gets knocked back. After getting up, however, he notices a sudden change in Gligar’s expression]'' Huh?
:'''Gligar''': ''[eager]'' Gli, Gligar!
:''[pause]''
:'''Ash''': Gligar. ''[confident]'' Then use X-Scissor one more time!
:'''Gligar''': Gli. ''[uses X-Scissor again]'' Gligar! ''[winces for the lasting pain, but endures it]'' Gli.
:'''Ash''': ''[confident]'' All right. Try it once again!
:'''Gligar''': Gli. ''[uses X-Scissor one last time]'' Gligar!
:'''Ash''': ''[realizes the bar is starting to rattle]'' Huh? Just a little more. Let’s both of us try.
:'''Gligar''': Gli. ''[powers up X-Scissor]''
:'''Ash''': ''[gets ready to tackle]'' All right, one, two, three!
:'''Gligar''': Gar!
:''[both attack the cage on three, this time breaking themselves free; Gligar snickers]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, Gligar! Way to go!
:'''Gligar''': ''[delighted]'' Gligar!
:''[Meanwhile, Team Rocket is still sleeping]''
:'''Meowth''': ''[asleep]'' Gee, Boss, thanks for the bread.
:''[Ash and Gligar approach a broken hanging bridge]''
:'''Ash''': A hanging bridge?
:'''Gligar''': Gli...
:''[Cut on the bridge, which has numerous holes in it, then cut back to Ash and Gligar]''
:'''Ash''': Come on, let’s go. 
:''[Gligar looks at Ash, thinking he is crazy. A while later, both start to cross the bridge, but at the first steps, Ash and Gligar are almost blown off by a strong wind. Gligar is somehow whimpering in fear and holds onto Ash’s waist tightly. However, the rope Ash is starting to hold onto snaps off, forcing both to hold on to it before they hit the cliff facing. The scene changes to Ash holding on to the rope and his terrified Gligar on his back]'' 
:'''Ash''': 'Kay, Gligar, you’ve gotta hang on tight.
:''[Gligar gasps, then Ash starts to climb out of the chasm with Gligar in tow with determination. Meanwhile, James wakes up, but gasps in sheer horror once realizing Ash and Gligar broke out of the cage.]''
:'''James''': Those two twerps totaled the trap! ''[heads over to Jessie and Meowth, who are still sleep]'' Attention! Up, you lazy louts!
:''[Meanwhile, Ash and Gligar managed to climb out of the canyon, to Ash's exhaustion.]''
:'''Gligar''': ''[concerned]'' Gligar?
:'''Ash''': ''[calmly]'' I’m telling you, you've gotta stop worrying. Now first things first, I gotta figure out how to cross. ''[notices a tall tree near the cliff]'' I’ve got it. That’ll work. ‘Kay, Gligar, ''[pointing at the tree]'' use Steel Wing to knock down that tree!
:'''Gligar''': ''[leaps up]'' Gligar!
:'''Ash''': That’s it! NOW GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!
:'''Gligar''': ''[nervous, yet ready to use Steel Wing]'' Gli. ''[starts diving towards the tree]'' Gar! ''[hits the tree, but gets knocked back]'' Gli! ''[gets send back in Ash’s arms]''
:'''Ash''': ''[concerned]'' You all right?
:'''Gligar''': ''[notices the pain in his pincers]'' Gli. ''[struggles to get up, and jumps out of Ash’s arms unfazed]'' Gligar.
:'''Ash''': ''[gets up; amazed]'' Whoa, what’s gotten into you? ''[excited]'' Way to go! I know you can do it now!
:'''Gligar''': Gli!
:'''Ash''': 'Kay, use Steel Wing!
:'''Gligar''': ''[standing on its tail]'' Gli! ''[flapping its wings]'' Gli, Gli, Gli! ''[leaps up]''
:'''Ash''': All you have to do is keep believing in yourself!
:'''Gligar''': ''[charges Steel Wing]'' Gligar! ''[starts diving towards the tree]'' 
:'''Ash''': Now hit it!
:'''Gligar''': ''[plows the tree]'' Gligar! Gli!
:'''Ash''': You did it, Gligar! ''[dancing in glory]'' You did it! ''[twirls Gligar]'' You did it! ''[calmly holds up the Razor Fang]'' You know what that means. You can use the Razor Fang and evolve if you want to.
:'''Gligar''': Gli... ''[happily hugs Ash]'' Gligar!
:''[Ash chuckles, feeling delighted for allowing Gligar to evolve, but suddenly, both becomes shocked once hearing the tree breaking off]''
:'''Ash''': ''[confused]'' Huh? ''[he and Gligar turn around, only to notice Team Rocket inside their Gliscor Bot balloon]''
:'''James''': All right, jail breakers, we'll take it from here.
:'''Jessie''': It’s back in the twerp box for you.
:''[Ash and Gligar glare at Team Rocket, not thrilled about Team Rocket's persistence.]''
:'''Ash''': CAN’T YOU GUYS GIVE IT A REST?!
:'''Meowth''': ''[laughs]'' What? And miss out on playin’ wit' toys and messin’ wit' you?
:'''Wobbuffet''': ''[hopping]'' Wobbuffet!
:'''James''': One Gligar, please.
:'''Meowth''': ''[pushes a button]'' Ta go!
:''[The Gliscor Bot's tail is aiming for Gligar, to its surprise.]''
:'''Ash''': LOOK OUT! ''[grabs Gligar before both are suspended by the tail from behind]'' AAAAHHH!!! Quick, Gligar, you've gotta get moving. ''[throws Gligar in the canyon]'' 
:'''Gligar''': Gli! GLI!!!!!!!!!!!
:''[Team Rocket gasps in horror]''
:'''Jessie''': The twerp fled.
:'''James''': ''[angrily pointing at Ash]'' Bad twerp!
:'''Ash''': ''[struggling]'' No, you don’t. ''[tries to escape the Gliscor Bot's clasper, but falls in the canyon]'' Aaaaaaahh! 
:''[Meanwhile, Gligar is still falling down, only slower than Ash.]''
:'''Ash''': WAHHH!
:''[Gligar gets shocked in mid-fall once noticing Ash falling past him and tries to stop him from falling, but isn't fast enough.]''
:'''Gligar''': Gligar! ''[calls Ash, sporting a big grin]'' GLIGAR!
:'''Ash''': GLIGAR, HEADS UP! ''[throws the Razor Fang at Gligar]'' THE RAZOR FANG, ''GRAB'' IT! 
:'''Gligar''': ''[heads for the Razor Fang and grabs it]'' Gli!
:''[Suddenly, Gligar starts evolving, much to Ash’s delight, and is now a Gliscor once the light enshrouding it dies out]''
:'''Gliscor''': Gli, Gliscor.
:'''Ash''': ''[relieved]'' It evolved. ''[looks down in shock]'' Huh?! Whoa! ''[starts shouting uncontrollably]''
:'''Gliscor''': ''[grabs Ash]'' Gli. ''[lowers its tail to cushion the fall]''
:'''Ash''': Thanks, Gliscor. What a catch.
:'''Gliscor''': Gli, Gliscor.
:'''Meowth''': Hey, Gligar’s been gliscored.
:'''Jessie''': Good. The spitting image of our Gliscor Bot.
:'''James''': That means OUR Gliscor will have someone to look up to.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor’s MINE, right, Gliscor?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[determined]'' Gliscor!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Gliscor slices the Gliscor Bot in half with Steel Wing]''
:'''Ash''': &quot;Check it out!&quot;
:'''Team Rocket''': &quot;No, thank you!&quot;
:'''Gary''': &quot;Wow, Gliscor sure looks strong.&quot;
:'''Dawn''': &quot;Yeah, and in total sync with Ash.&quot;
:''[As the Gliscor Bot crashes down, Gliscor eagerly heads for Ash, who gasps in surprise]''
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gli!&quot; ''[glomps Ash, muffling him and giggling]'' &quot;Gliscor, Gliscor, Gli Gliscor.&quot;
:'''Dawn''': &quot;Guess old habits die hard.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': &quot;You know, Gliscor, when it comes to serious training, we're just getting warmed up.&quot;
:'''Pikachu''': &quot;Pika, Pika.&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor.&quot;

== Arriving in Style! ==
:'''Hermione''': &quot;No one gives me advice and gets away with it!&quot;

== The Psyduck Stops Here! ==
:'''Team Rocket''': &quot;We're blasting off again!&quot;
:''Ping!''
:'''Ash''': &quot;They need to get a hobby or somethin'...&quot;

== Camping it Up! ==
:'''Professor Rowan''': '''''ENOUGH!!!''''' I NEVER TOLD YOU YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN POKÉMON IN BATTLE!
:'''Ash''': But Angie started the whole thing!
:'''Angie''': No, Ash and Pikachu did!
:'''Professor Rowan''': '''''STOP!!!''''' THIS SCHOOL IS NOT THE PLACE FOR QUARRELING! IT'S FOR MAKING NEW FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE AND POKÉMON!
:'''Ash &amp; Angie''': Yes, sir...

== Up Close and Personable! ==
:''[Jessilinda (Jessie in disguise) and two boys are looking for a Pokémon in their Lapras boat]''
:'''Jessilinda''': OK, then. Have you decided which Pokémon you're going to observe for me?
:'''Boy in Orange T-Shirt''': Yes, Miss Jessilinda, we've decided on a Relicanth.
:'''Jessilinda''': A Relicanth?
:'''Boy in Red &amp; Cream T-Shirt''': Over there!
:''[A Relicanth swims by Jessilinda's Lapras boat]''
:'''Relicanth''': Relicanth!
:'''Jessilinda''': Ugh! That thing is so ugly it hurts my eyes. I need a Pokémon that matches my beauty, not insults it.
:'''Boy in Orange T-Shirt''': Oh. What kind of Pokémon did you have in mind?
:'''Jessilinda''': Elegant. Like the suave Suicune, or perhaps the cute Manaphy.
:'''Boy in Orange T-Shirt''': There's just one thing.
:'''Boy in Red &amp; Cream T-Shirt''': Yeah, I don't think there are any Suicune or Manaphy in this lake, Miss Jessilinda.
:'''Jessilinda''': (angrily) Don't you bore me with details, capeesh?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': &quot;I didn't know a Dewgong's horn was so hard!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Conway''': &quot;Hm, not a sad face to be seen. Ha ha ha...&quot;

== Ghoul Daze! ==
:'''Ghost Girl''': &quot;Come on, let's play.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;My creepy meter's ringin' off the charts!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': &quot;I'll never give up! Even if that means forever!&quot;

== One Team, Two Team, Red Team, Blue Team! ==
:'''Dawn''': ''[To Ash and Angie after breaking them up]'' Just stop it! Both of you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Conway''': &quot;I had a feeling that digging some holes and travelling underground was the only way to go. Yup. Hm-hm!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawn''': &quot;It's Conway!&quot;
:'''Conway''': &quot;Guilty as charged! Well, my dear, I'll have to catch up with you later!&quot;
:''[Conway descends into the water with an evil chuckle]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;Finally, you can feast your eyes on what I'm really made of!&quot;
:'''Conway''': &quot;I must say, impressive feast. Perhaps it might've been a smarter choice for me to keep tabs on you rather than on Dawn.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;Go pick on someone from your own planet!!&quot;
:'''Conway''': &quot;Once I start keeping tabs on someone, I don't stop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;There nothing more cacophonous in a cave setting than claptrap!&quot;

== A Lean Mean Team Rocket Machine! ==

== Playing the Leveling Field! ==

== Doc Brock! ==
:'''Dawn''': &quot;Ash Ketchum! Why are you sleeping?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Staravia is struggling to get the gumball off his wings]''
:'''Ash''': &quot;What’s Staravia up to?&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': ''[attempting to get his trainer’s attention]'' &quot;Gli, Gliscor.&quot;
:'''Ash''': &quot;Wow, you wanna go and help us find Brock, too?&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Gliscor lands on Brock with his whole body]''
:'''Brock''': ''[painfully]'' &quot;Wow, you’re heavy.&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': ''[gets up and licks its face; chuckles]'' &quot;Scor.&quot;
:'''Brock''': &quot;You’re Ash’s Gliscor. So, what’s up?&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': ''[impersonating Pachirisu]'' &quot;Gliscor Gli.&quot; ''[pretends to have a fever]'' &quot;Gliscor Gli!&quot; ''[curls up]'' &quot;Gliscor Gli...&quot;
:'''Brock''': &quot;Uh...&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': ''[make a puppy-pout face]'' &quot;Gli!&quot;
:'''Brock''': &quot;Huh?! There’s some sort of trouble, right?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Oh, Gliscor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': &quot;Although our heroes can breathe a sigh of relief now that Pachirisu is back to good health, the responsibilities of being a good trainer have given Ash and Dawn something to think about and act on as their Celestic Town journey contin--&quot; 
:'''Ash''': ''[cuts off]'' &quot;We forgot Gliscor!&quot;
:''[Everyone groans in disbelief. Back on the road to the cabin, Gliscor continues to hop back home]''
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor.&quot; ''[collapses; angrily]'' &quot;SCOOORRR!!&quot;

== Battling the Generation Gap! ==

== Losing Its Lusterous! ==

== Double Team Turnover! ==

== If the Scarf Fits, Wear It! ==
:'''Meowth''': &quot;Uh oh!&quot;
:'''James''': &quot;That's just a standard-issue Lickilicky, just like twerp said!&quot;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;I don't care if it's a one-eyed purple people-eater! Just catch it!&quot;
:'''James''': &quot;Yes, dear.&quot;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;But why?&quot;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;''Because it's the scarf that makes the monster, see?!''&quot;

== A Trainer and Child Reunion! ==
:'''Jessie''': &quot;Kids today will buy anything!&quot;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;When it comes to immaturity, no one knows better than Jessie, so maybe our girl's onto something.&quot;
:'''James''': &quot;How can I argue with that logic?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': &quot;You're inventory, not artillery!!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;Just like goody-goody Pokémon to band together and blow us apart! I gotta say, they sure did a bang-up job, though.&quot;

== Aiding the Enemy! ==
:'''Ash''': Okay, I did challenge Fantina and her Ghost-type Pokémon before, but she kept hittin' us with Hypnosis, and I couldn't do a thing about it. That is, until next time.
:'''Paul''': So now you think next time's the charm? All you have to do is keep hammering away, and all her Ghost-type Pokémon will fall over.
:'''Ash''': I'll win it! I happen to have faith in my Pokémon! And they've got faith in me, too. This time, it's different!
:'''Paul''': You're pathetic!
:'''Ash''': All right, we'll just show you what have we've got! Let's have a battle!
:'''Paul''': All you had to say is that you were using Chimchar's Blaze. That would have been enough.
:'''Ash''': I already told you! I don't mess around with Blaze!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': A pathetic trainer and his equally pathetic Pokémon.
:'''Ash''': ''[getting offended]'' WHAT WAS THAT?!
:'''Grotle''': ''[also offended]'' Grotle!!
:'''Paul''': Alright, so where's your faith? If you really think you could win with faith alone, then you're no better than any low life loser trainer out there because you have no idea how Grotle's changed! ''[This line will later be referenced as to why Ash lost his full battle later on in the show. Many fans like to claim that &quot;Ash's Turtwig is a strong fast cute unevolved Pokémon, therefore it does not need evolution to prove its worth.&quot; However, because Turtwig shares the same backstory as Bulbasaur and if it remained in an unevolved state, Turtwig would have been solidified as a complete Bulbasaur knock-off, thus universally hated by fans.]''

== Barry's Busting Out All Over! ==

== Shield with a Twist! ==
:'''Fantina''': &quot;Nooo!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': ''[Singing]'' &quot;La la la laaaa!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fantina''': &quot;Perhaps you forget Drifblim can use Psychic moves as well... like Psychic!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': ''[sees Chimchar's Flamethrower and Drifblim's Will-o-Wisp form a deadly fireball attack]'' Flame on flame, huh? ''[Gives a rude smirk to Fantina, hatching a plan]''
:'''Fantina''': That's strange, is something funny?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Chimchar's Flamethrower and Drifblim's Will-o-wisp triggered a fiery explosion, severely damaging Drifblim in the process]''
:'''Ash''': It didn't just break the shield. That Flamethrower absorbed the Will-o-Wisp making it more powerful! Guess you don't know everything about Counter-shields after all!
:'''Fantina''': Perhaps I spoke a little too soon. ''[Sorry Fantina, but Ash has mastered that tactic first!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fantina''': Gales abreeze, but I think it's time for Hypnosis!
:'''Ash''': Chimchar, Flamethrower! ''[Chimchar does so, knocking out Drifblim. Fantina's fatal flaw for this battle are both overuse of Hypnosis and poorly developed Counter-Shield]''

== Jumping Rocket Ship! ==
:'''Barry''': &quot;Man, oh man, Ash. Commemorative picture, my foot. This is all your fault, you know.&quot;
:'''Ash''': &quot;What?! All my fault?!&quot;
:'''Dawn''': &quot;Argue all you want, but nothing's gonna change.&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor!&quot;
:''[Everyone looks up]''
:'''Ash''': &quot;Staravia! Gliscor!&quot;
:''[From in the air, Staravia and Gliscor head for Ash]''
:'''Staravia''': &quot;Staravia!&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor!&quot; ''[glomps Ash as he lands]'' 
:'''Ash''': &quot;Nice to see you, too.&quot;
:'''Gliscor''': &quot;Gliscor!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': &quot;I'm not exactly prepared for Gliscor love!&quot;

== Sleepless in Pre-Battle! ==

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
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    <title>Pokémon/Season 12</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
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&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl: Galactic Battles (advertised as Pokémon: DP Galactic Battles), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the twelfth season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the continuing adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he continues to travel Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Get your Rotom Running! ==
*&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's hard to know,&lt;br /&gt;Which way you're supposed to go,&lt;br /&gt;But deep inside, you know you're strong,&lt;br /&gt;If you follow your heart, you can't be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stand up!&lt;br /&gt;(Stand up!)&lt;br /&gt;For what is right!&lt;br /&gt;Be brave!&lt;br /&gt;(Be brave!)&lt;br /&gt;Get ready to fight!&lt;br /&gt;Hold on!&lt;br /&gt;(Hold on!)&lt;br /&gt;We're friends for life!&lt;/p&gt;
** Opening theme song: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQ8PIQbyBJQ ''Battle Cry - (Stand Up!)'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;Cookie!&quot;

== A Breed Stampede! ==
:''[When Piloswine is enraged, Gliscor wants to help, however...]''
:'''Ash''': ''[running away from Piloswine]'' Hey, Grotle, do something quick!
:'''Grotle''': ''[rushes off in response]'' Grotle!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[disappointed]'' Gliscor... (Oh, man...)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Hi, ho! Happy howdy!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Behave, or I'll have to spank you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': I've just the thing in lieu of spanking! Yanmega, Sonic Boom!

== Ancient Family Matters! ==
:'''Byron''': I love fossils!
:'''Roark''': I love them more! I work as the chief of ancient Pokémon excavations in the Oreburgh Mines!
:'''Byron''': Gimme a break! You're still just a kid! You wouldn't know a fossil if it hit you on the head!
:'''Roark''': You'll be sorry you said that, DAD!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roark''': I'll say this: I don't think I've seen an Anorith fossil as big as this one but when it comes from Pokémon restored from fossils, there's nothing that tops my Rampardos for sure!
:'''Byron''': Sorry to have to correct you but when it comes to Pokémon restored from fossils, my Bastiodon tops everything!
:'''Roark''': COME ON! THERE'S NO POKÉMON STRONGER THAN MY RAMPARDOS!
:'''Byron''': YOU'RE WRONG AGAIN! NOTHING CAN BEAT MY BASTIODON!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roark''': Somebody dug this hole!
:'''Byron''': I don't believe it! ''[long pause]'' I love this hole! ''[In response, everyone else facefaults]''
:'''Ash''': You do?
:'''Byron''': Give it a good look! Look how perfectly shaped it is! How it slopes gently downwards! Whoever dug this hole has the skill and the craftsmanship of a fearsome hole-digger! ''[everyone else facefaults]'' I must find the artisan who did this! Think of what it would do for my excavations!
:'''Roark''': Dad, you better have a look over there!
:'''Byron''': It can't be! ''[points to the other hole]'' Closer examination reveals this hole was dug by a machine. 
:'''Brock''': ''[as everyone else facefaults]'' Not that!
:'''Roark''': Can't you see that all your fossils have been STOLEN?!
:'''Byron''': Stolen? Nooo! My precious fossil collection is gone!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': Yeahaha.

== Dealing with Defensive Types! ==
:''[when facing Steelix]''
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' Okay. Guess I’d better get things movin’. ''[aloud]'' Buizel, Water Gun, let’s go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Team Rocket''': Crikey, it's a Kabutops!
:'''Meowth''': It must be doing security for the Gym!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': Ain't no place like dis place, so dis must be da place!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Time for my last Pokémon! Gliscor, I choose you! ''[sends in Gliscor]''
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''Dawn''': What's he doing? If Ash wanted to attack from above, wouldn’t Staravia be better? ''[Actually, Gliscor is part Ground type and Bastiodon's typing (Rock/Steel) is 4x weak to Ground. Staravia is weak to Rock, and no it would not be better]''
:'''Piplup''': Lup! (Yeah!)
:'''Brock''': Ash chose Gliscor after carefully considering Bastiodon’s moves. This is Gliscor’s first battle, so we should expect ''great'' things.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Gliscor is about to be hit by Bastiodon’s Iron Head]''
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, heads up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[when both Bastiodon and Gliscor are exhausted]''
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' They’re both runnin’ out of gas. The next attack’s gonna decide the battle. ''[aloud]'' Gliscor, use X-Scissor, and attack it ''straight'' on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Gliscor performed a sneak attack on Bastiodon, knocking it out]''
:'''Roark''': Bastiodon is unable to battle, and Gliscor’s the winner! The victory goes to Ash from Pallet Town!
:'''Ash''': ''[excited]'' All right, Gliscor, we did it!
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor! ''[glomps Ash, giggling]'' Gliscor, Gliscor, Gli, Gliscor.
:'''Dawn''': That was great, Ash!
:'''Piplup''': Piplup!
:'''Brock''': Great how you considered Byron's and your Pokémon's type ''and'' played up Gliscor's strong points.
:'''Ash''': Thanks, Brock. But in the end, it was just Gliscor’s spunk. ''[to Gliscor; impressed]'' Not bad for a first Gym battle, Gliscor. Not bad at all.
:'''Gliscor''': ''[happily licks its face]'' Gli, Gliscor.

== Leading a Stray! ==
:'''Meowth''': We eat manhole covers for lunch!

== Steeling Piece of Mind! ==
:'''Galactic Grunt''': Excuse me, Ms. Mars. Ready for the final stage.
:'''Mars''': Well, finally.

== Saving the World from Ruins! ==

== Cheers on Castaways Isle! ==

== Hold the Phione! ==
:'''Team Rocket''': We're blasting off without a flight...

== Another One Gabites the Dust! ==
:'''Ursula''': That Piplup. Hey, you competed in the last Wallace Cup contest, didn't you?
:'''Dawn''': Me? I did. I mean, we did.
:'''Ursula''': Thought so. Yeah, I still really think you winning that contest was a total accident.
:'''Dawn''': So tell me, were you in the Wallace Cup too?
:'''Ursula''':  Well, I was there. The name's Ursula. Of course since I was eliminated in the first round, so you wouldn't remember me.

== Stealing the Conversation! ==
:'''Jenny''': &quot;FYI, I'm not a normal Officer Jenny. I'm a wild Jenny.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': &quot;Well, well, Jenny, you've already got my heart in custody, wild Brock is here to make your wildish dreams come true.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': &quot;So we decided to deal with you law-enforcement yahoos walking around with bullying bowling balls by making a power pin that you can't knock down!&quot;

== The Drifting Snorunt! ==

== Noodles! Roamin' Off! ==
:'''James:''' &quot;Well, what do you care for? I thought you were going to become Top Coordinator, girlfriend!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James:''' &quot;Carnivine, out you go...and now you're being off-color!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth:''' &quot;The Meowth you used to know is gone! Since I started working in this noodle joint, I'm blooming bigger than a dozen roses! And now I've finally found somebody who appreciates my talents a lot more than you and James ever did!&quot;

== Pursuing a Lofty Goal! ==
:'''Paul:''' We didn't win because your reaction time was too slow!
:'''Honchkrow:''' [''looks sadly as it hangs its head in shame''] Krow... [Sorry...] 
:[''Paul angrily recalls Honchkrow'']

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ash shows off his new Staraptor to Paul]''
:'''Ash''': What do you think? Don't you think it's great the Starly you didn't care for evolved into a Staravia and now into a powerful Staraptor? 
:'''Staraptor''': Star!
:'''Paul''': ''[clearly unimpressed]'' It sure took you long enough. ''[Note: It took 105 episodes for Staravia to evolve into Staraptor. Staraptor is often considered to be the slowest developed region bird Ash has owned.]''

== Trials and Adulations! ==

== The Lonely Snover! ==
:'''Dawn''': So, Snover grows berries on its body and Grotle grows nuts! Pokemon are so full of mysteries.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Snover berry picking at a breakneck pace!
:'''James''': Dashing all hope while I'm stuffing my face!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': My sixth sense is telling me this is not cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Teacher''': &quot;Look.&quot; ''[gestures towards a nearby town]'' That's Sandalstraw Town over there, and very soon, they're having their contest.
:'''Ash''': Hey, that's super close to here!

== Stopped in the Name of Love! ==
:'''Barry''': You're Team Missile, right?
:'''Meowth''': That's Team Rocket, lugnut!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': Piplup! Evolve not!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;If we were to give three tops of the evolution heap to the boss, he'd be so giddy he'd give us the shirt off his back!&quot;
:'''James''': &quot;I don't like his shirt...&quot;

== Old Rivals, New Tricks! ==
:'''Mewoth''': &quot;Mark my words, I've got your next ribbon right here, or I'll eat the whiskers off of my furry face!&quot;

== To Thine Own Pokémon Be True! ==
:''[Note: This departure episode is often deemed by fans to be the most insulting, given that Ambipom was a well developed character gone to waste]''
:'''Dawn''': So that means, you want to play Pokemon Ping-pong, right?
:'''Ambipom''': Ambi-Ambipom! [Right!]
:'''Dawn''': Take good care of Ambipom! Promise me?
:'''O''': Promise. My Pokemon Ping-pong training center is located in Vermillion City. Come visit anytime.

== Battling a Cute Drama! ==
:'''Brock''': You're being inappropriate!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': &quot;I know you can do it, Croagunk, so just ''do it!!!''&quot;

== Classroom Training! ==

== Sliding Into Seventh! ==
:'''Candice''': Show us your kiai now! Abomasnow!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Candice''': Hah. So that is Ash’s strategy? Abomasnow, use Ice Punch.

== A Pyramiding Rage! ==
:'''Paul''': You said you were serious about wanting to win at Snowpoint City, so why do you still need Torterra to hold your hand? Using a Grass-type in an Ice-type Gym? I guess chuck that blind faith. ''[This is coming from the guy who uses Fire and Electric on Rock-type... but he does have a point]''
:'''Zoey''': Stop right there! Just who do you think you are?!
:'''Dawn''': Zoey, stop!
:'''Zoey''': He has no right talking like that!
:'''Ash''': It's OK, Zoey.
:'''Paul''': Hmm!
:'''Zoey''': I just hope tomorrow at the gym battle, Miss Senior wipes the floor with that jerk!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': Don't you have an opinion?
:'''James''': At the risk of bragging, nope!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': The fate of our future plans is in our hands!
:'''Meowth''': I've got paws!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brandon''': ''[mockingly]'' Alright, what's wrong? And here I thought you wanted to beat the man who defeated your brother.
:'''Paul''': ''[bitterly recalling his defeated Nidoking]'' The truth is, it's only because you defeated Reggie that my victory over you will have meaning. The challenge you always present to Trainers to find their own strength was something my brother wasn't able to do. But I'm not like my brother! My will gives me strength! And now, you'll see it firsthand!
:'''Brandon:''' Nooo! All wrapped up in the past. But why then do you walk the Pokemon path in the first place? Tell me why do you battle?
:[''Paul getting visibly furious'']
:'''Paul:''' NOW, LAIRON! STANDBY FOR BATTLE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Paul recalls his defeated Magmar having suffered a devastating loss against Brandon. He hangs his head in embarrassment.]''
:'''Brandon''': Young man, this battle of yours, was this your true battle? You've done an excellent job raising and training your Pokemon but you allowed your emotions to betray you on the battlefield. ''[Additionally, Paul was also living in the past, treating this battle like a grudge match. Paul hearing this, looks up to Brandon]'' We will battle again one day when you learned to control them. ''[Paul, beginning to realize his own errors, silently bows towards Brandon]''

== Pillars of Friendship! ==

== Frozen on Their Tracks! ==

== Pedal to the Mettle! ==
:'''Ash''': Okay, Pikachu, let's do this!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Ash''': All right! Buizel, I choose you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Use Stone Edge!
:'''Ash''': Aaah! Stone Edge? Why? ''[Don't you just hate when that happens]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ash recall Grotle and Paul recall his Honchkrow]''
:'''Reggie''': Ash miscalculated on when to use Synthesis. ''[Dawn is confused]'' Using healing moves leaves your Pokemon completely vulnerable. Consider your opponents condition or be an easy target like Grotle.
:'''Brock''': It sounds like Ash is feeling a lot of pressure.
:'''Dawn''': Do you think so?
:'''Brock''': Ash wanted Grotle to defeat Honchkrow so badly that it clouded his judgement.

== Evolving Strategies! ==
:''[Ash attempts to recall Buizel]''
:'''Ash''': Buizel return!
:''[Buizel stops Ash and gives him the thumbs up signalling he can still battle]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ash returns his defeated Buizel, due to letting his Pokémon make the call, rather than Ash, himself]''
:'''Reggie''': Buizel was eliminated because of Ash's poor judgement. ''[In other words, Ash was simply over-relying on faith in his Pokemon which does not work when the odds of winning are stacked against him. The trainer is responsible for knowing when to switch  out their Pokémon. Not only that, but his team lacks power and is extremely underdeveloped.]''
:'''Brock''': You're saying that Ash should have had Buizel returned the time before? ''[Reggie nods in agreement]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chimchar begins to glow]''
:'''Brock''': Chimchar's evolving!
:''[Seconds later, Chimchar becomes Monferno]''
:'''Monferno''': MONFERNO!
:'''Ash''': That's great! You evolved into Monferno! ''[Note: Chimchar wasted 129 episodes to evolve into a Monferno. Ash just tried to defeat Paul using Chimchar without any intention of working on the Blaze ability and evolution. Ash pays the ultimate price for evolving Chimchar too late in the journey.]''

== Uncrushing Defeat! ==
:''[The episode begins at Lake Acuity the morning after the full battle, where Uxie's silhouette briefly appears from under the lake, then vanishes. At the Pokémon Center, all of Ash's Pokémon are seen hospitalized under the care of Nurse Joy and her Chansey and Blissey.]''
:'''Pikachu''': ''[weakly]'' Pi, Pika...
:'''Narrator''': ''[v.o.]'' In the wake of a full Pokémon battle against Paul, Ash and his struggling Pokémon are staying at the Pokémon Center on Lake Acuity to rest, heal and recharge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The heroes are watching with concern how Ash’s Pokémon are being treated by Nurse Joy and her Pokémon]''
:'''Piplup''': ''[concerned]'' Piplup?
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, don't worry, soon everyone will be just fine.
:'''Brock''': Right, all we have to do is leave it up to Nurse Joy.
:''[Unable to stand seeing his Pokémon severely injured and his dream crushed, Ash walks away, much to Dawn’s concern]''
:'''Dawn''': Ash, wait. ''[is stopped by Brock]''
:''[opening credits and title]''
:'''James''': ''[o.s.]'' Bombs away! ''[Yanmega pours some dirt over the field]'' After yesterday's trouncing, I sincerely doubt the twerps will be traveling for a while.
:'''Jessie''': Saying they took damage is an understatement at best.
:'''Meowth''': True, but seeing a joust like that makes it worthwhile! 
:'''James''': And how! Those warriors were on fire!'Twas a knock-down, drag-out battle slog fest!
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, and wasn't Chimmy rocking hard?
:'''James''': Yes, not to mention the emotional evolving into Monferno.
:'''Jessie''': But the numbers don't lie, and losing 6 to 2 is a landslide if I ever saw one.
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, bummer!
:'''James''': I'll bet the twerp must be feeling lower than a pit trap.
:'''Meowth''': I'll double that bet.
:'''Jessie''': Attacking twerps when they're at their lowest is Team Rocket rule one.
:'''Meowth''': Can't you turn it down?!
:'''James'''': I’m witless enough!
:'''Jessie''': The predator always preys on the weakest of the twerpish herd. The time to pluck Pikachu is now, while the iron is red hot. So we're faced with an opportunity we can't refuse.
:'''James''': It's times such as these that make me grateful for my day job.
:'''Meowth''': If Jessie's yapping was worth money, we'd be rich.
:'''Wobbuffet''': Wobba, Wobba, Wobba!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gliscor''': ''[crying in pain]'' Gli! Gliscor...
:'''Brock''': Gliscor, don't cry. It'll be over soon.
:'''Happiny''': Happiny.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[while looking how Brock and Nurse Joy treat Ash’s Pokémon, Dawn is depressed and sits down, sighing]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip... Pip?
:'''Dawn''': I just wish there was something I could do to help.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Piplup made silly face expressions to comfort Dawn]''
:'''Dawn''': Wow, thanks, Piplup. I get it. You’re saying I shouldn’t be down, too.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup.
:'''Dawn''': That’s it! I just had the greatest thought. And you, Piplup, you're just who I need to help me out with this.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup.
:'''Dawn''': ''[runs off off-frame]'' Wow, this is gonna be great!
:''[Meanwhile, as soon as Ash’s Pokémon are resting, Brock and Nurse Joy are putting away all the healing supplies]''
:'''Happiny''': ''[holding a first-aid kit]'' Hap, Happiny. Hap, Hap.
:'''Brock''': ''[takes the first-aid kit]'' Thanks a lot, Happiny. ''[puts the first aid kit in the cupboard, then closes it]''
:'''Nurse Joy''': Brock, I really can’t thank you enough. You’re such a big help.
:'''Brock''': ''[gasps]'' Nurse Joy, I would gladly give of myself completely in order to serve your tiniest desire. ''[pauses in confusion]'' Huh? ''[suddenly notices Croagunk ready to Poison Jab him; hastily]'' Wait, Croagunk, please! You-you’ve got it all wrong, Croagunk! I was just helping Nurse Joy out! You see, it’s all perfectly innocent! That’s it! 
:''[In response, Croagunk powers down Poison Jab, then walks away, much to Brock’s relief]''
:'''Brock''': Huh?
:'''Nurse Joy''': ''[glances at Monferno with concern]'' Oh, dear. Monferno’s recovery seems so slow. I do think it’s because Monferno took so much damage. Brock, please, do you think you could go into the woods near here and look for some Cheri Berries for me?
:'''Brock''': I’d love too. I’ll be back soon.
:''[A moment later, Brock is walking towards Lake Acuity, trying to look for Cheri Berries to cure Ash's Monferno]''
:'''Brock''': Finding Cheri Berries is a lot harder than I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While Brock is looking for Cheri Berries to heal Monferno]''
:'''Dawn''': And one and two, one and two. One and two, great! You’re all looking wonderful.
:''[everyone cheers]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary!
:'''Dawn''': All right, now it’s Piplup’s turn.
:'''Piplup''': ''[o.s]'' Piplup!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': ''[v.o]'' I lost to Paul.
:''[Still feeling guilty, Ash rolls over, only to notice Pikachu standing in front of him]''
:'''Ash''': ''[astonished]'' Huh?! Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pi, Pika.
:''[Ash gets up and notices all of his Pokémon in front of him]''
:'''Ash''': ''[delighted]'' Everybody! 
:'''Buizel''': Bui, Bui!
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor, Gli, Gli, Gliscor.
:'''Grotle''': Grotle.
:'''Staraptor''': Star, Star.
:'''Monferno''': Monferno, Monferno.
:''[Suddenly, Ash’s Pokémon start feeling their pain, to Ash’s and Pikachu’s embarrassment]''
:'''Ash''': ''[concerned]'' Oh, man. Please don't overdo it. ''[starts laughing]'' Okay, you’re all trying to cheer me up now, right?
:'''Pikachu''': ''[regretful]'' Pika...
:'''Ash''': Right! [''gets up''] I’m fine now. I’m not feeling sad one little bit. [''stares at the sky''] Paul sure is tough. He’s got his own way of getting strong, and I’ve gotta admit he gave it his all. That’s how he got strong in the first place. But, hey, we’re gonna get stronger too. It’s not gonna be easy, though. So there’s only one thing to do. We’re gonna have to work harder than Paul. And when we meet up with him again, we’re gonna beat that guy! What do you say, gang? 
:''[in response, all of his Pokémon cheer and happily glomp him]'' 
:'''Ash''': Come on. Get off! Hey, guys, get off! 
:''[a while later, Ash and his Pokémon are returning to the Pokémon Center, when suddenly, much to the Pokémon’s confusion, Ash’s stomach starts to growl]''
:'''Ash''': Oops! Guess I forgot to eat something today.
:''[Pikachu, Staraptor, Grotle, Monferno, Buizel and Gliscor all laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Well, well. The twerp Pokémon cheering squad.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[when Ash and his Pokémon came back]''
:'''Ash''': Guys, I’m back.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Dawn:''' Ash, Brock just told us he saw it.
:''[Brock nods, much to Ash’s and Pikachu’s confusion.]''
:'''Ash:''' Saw &quot;it&quot;? Saw what?
:''[Nurse Joy and the gang went to the library for answers]''
:'''Nurse Joy''': ''[looking up in a book]'' The Pokémon that you saw at Lake Acuity... ''[pointing at a picture of Uxie]'' Was it this one?
:'''Brock''': Hmm... That’s it! But now that I think about it, the thing I saw was more like a shadow than the actual Pokémon itself.
:'''Dawn:''' It sounds to me like it was the spirit of Uxie that you saw.
:''[A flashback shows Dawn and Piplup seeing Mesprit’s silhouette at Lake Verity]''
:'''Dawn''': [v.o.] Just like the time ''I'' saw Mesprit on Lake Verity.
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Ash:''' And just like when...
:''[Another flashback reveals Ash and Pikachu noticing Azelf’s spirit at Lake Valor]''
:'''Ash''': [v.o] ...when I saw ''Azelf'' on Lake Valor.
:''[The flashback ends]''
:'''Nurse Joy:''' Now, according to this book, it says that all three Pokémon have come from the same egg. It also says that from Uxie, who is referred to as &quot;The Being of Knowledge&quot;, comes the wisdom to solve problems. From Mesprit, &quot;The Being of Emotion&quot;, comes the joys and pain of life, and from Azelf, &quot;The Being of Willpower&quot;, comes the resolve to accomplish whatever task may be at hand. And it’s the power of those three that keeps the world in balance. At least that’s what this book is saying.
:'''Dawn:''' To think they’re Legendary Pokémon, and the three of us saw them!
:'''Ash:''' We saw ‘em all right.
:'''Pikachu:''' Pika, Pika.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup.
:'''Brock''': Could it have been an accident? Or do all of these happenings mean something?
:'''Nurse Joy''': It’s mysterious, that’s for sure.
:'''Ash''': Hmm... [''laughs''] I'm not sure why, but this starting to get kinda fun! Right, Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika.
:'''Piplup''': ''[to Dawn]'' Piplup, Piplup. 
:'''Dawn''': I’m worried Ash is trying to do too much.
:'''Ash''': ''[confused]'' Whadda ya mean &quot;too much&quot;?
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu?
:'''Dawn''': ''[singing]'' It’s nothing. But there ''is'' something I wanna show you, though.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup.
:''[Ash and Pikachu both stare at Dawn and Piplup, looking confused and curious. At the same time, inside the Pokémon Center’s storage room, Team Rocket is secretly threading a net of some sort]''
:'''James''': But I worry we’re sorely unprepared this time.
:'''Jessie''': Now, now, worry not. The twerp is bummed out to the point of being beside himself, which will enable us the luxury of effortlessly capturing Pikachu with nary a robot in sight.
:'''Meowth''': I’m makin' sure at least we’ll be shockproof, which is saying somethin’.
:''[As for the heroes, all but Dawn and her Pokémon, seat themselves in the lobby. Cue Dawn entering frame in her Pokémon Contest outfit]''
:'''Dawn''': Warm greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to start off our proceedings by thanking you all very much for coming to see Dawn's Pokémon Circus.
:'''Ash''': ''[curious]'' Wonder what Dawn’s up to this time.
:'''Nurse Joy''': You see, Dawn's been working really hard practicing for this performance just to cheer you up, and you'll love it.
:'''Ash''': ''[surprised]'' This is for us?!
:'''Pikachu''': ''[delighted]'' Pikachu!
:'''Dawn''': Now, keep your eyes open. We’ll begin Dawn’s Circus with a feat of pure acrobatic skill. 
:''[Dawn pulls the podium blind and opens the curtains, revealing Mamoswine with a pom-pom on his head]''
:'''Mamoswine''': Mamo.
:''[Camera pans to Pachirisu and Buneary standing in front of Mamoswine, ready to perform]''
:'''Pachirisu''': Chipa!
:'''Buneary''': Buneary!
:''[They start to run in a circle around Mamoswine, jump onto him, then make silly faces, much to the audience’s amazement]''
:'''Ash''': ''[amazed]'' Oh, wow!
:''[Pachirisu and Buneary then run in circles, holding each others' paws, then pulls each others' faces, making the audience laugh with amusement, as expected. Then they jump onto Mamoswine again, perform a loop-de-loop while pulling their faces, then pull Mamoswine's face]''
:'''Buneary''': Bun, Buneary.
:'''Dawn''': Great! Everyone, pose.
:''[Mamoswine turns to the audience, then sticks his tongue out]''
:'''Dawn''': Ta-da!
:''[[the heroes laugh, as Dawn expected, until...]''
:'''Piplup''': ''[o.s.]'' Piplup!
:'''Dawn''':  ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Piplup''': ''[wearing a clown costume]'' Pip, Piplup! ''[waltzing to Dawn]'' Piplup, Piplup. Piplup, Piplup. Piplup, Piplup. Pip, Piplup. ''[stops in front of Dawn]'' Pip, Piplup.
:'''Dawn''': Well, so you say you can ''really'' do it, Piplup?
:'''Piplup''': ''[self-assured]'' Piplup. ''[jumps up]'' Pip, Piplup!
:''[Piplup comically smacks himself into the ceiling headfirst, making Pachirisu and Buneary juggle with Piplup before the latter gets tossed in the air]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip, Piplup. ''[gets tossed again]'' Piplup.
:''[Cue Piplup getting dizzy after being continuously being tossed in the air]''
:'''Piplup''': Piplup...
:''[Pachirisu and Buneary pop up out of nowhere and pull Piplup’s face]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary!
:''[The heroes again laugh and cheer out of amusement]''
:'''Dawn''': Okay, again, pose.
:''[Just like before, Mamoswine turns to the audience, then sticks his tongue out. At the same time, Team Rocket is standing in front of the door, ready to storm in]''
:'''Jessie''': Hmm... And now, let’s go and find that bummed-out little twerp and make him even more bummed-out, okay?
:'''James and Meowth''': Yay!
:''[Meanwhile...]''
:'''Dawn''': And now, for the next act, we have...
:'''Team Rocket''': ''[arrive on-screen]'' Da-da-da-da!
:'''Nurse Joy''': Hey, aren’t they the clean-up crew?
:'''Ash''': Wow, this ought to be good.
:'''Jessie''': Uh... ahem. Testing, testing, one, two, three. Now, how many people do you see ''[shouting]'' ALL BUMMED OUT?!
:'''James &amp; Meowth''': ''[gesturing to Ash]'' None other than he.
:'''Meowth''': ''[eerily]'' Aww. Wooks wike we got a sour puss in our midst.
:''[the audience just stares, confused]''
:'''Ash''': ''[confused]'' Uh, that’s kinda weird.
:''[Cut to Team Rocket who are standing beside Mamoswine, whispering]''
:'''Meowth''': That boy's so bummed out his tongue's too depressed to talk.
:'''James''': Tongue depression.
:'''Jessie''': Let's build on a theme. ''[to Ash]'' Rumour has it that someone got crushed in ''his'' last battle, (points to Ash) and that someone would be you.
:'''Ash''': ''[confused]'' Uh, who, me? (Jessie shows him a bottle with a picture of Ash crying)
:'''Jessie''': Well, we’ve got the perfect drink for you because it’s the sports drink of championship losers. (James plays a trombone and Meowth plays the drums) Loser, loser, loser, you stink. Stink! YOU! STINK! STINK! YOU! STINK! YOU STINK! Have I forgotten something? Oh, that’s right. STINK! STINK! And that means “loser”. (James and Meowth make music again while Jessie sings) Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser!
:'''Meowth''': Without further ado, CHECK! THIS! Cool! ''[holding a bazooka]'' It’s our patent special Pikachu get net! ''[aims the bazooka]'' Get set! ''[fires the bazooka, snatching Pikachu out of Ash’s lap]''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Nurse Joy''': Who ''are'' you, anyway?
:'''Jessie''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' If you don't know who we are, you will soon enough.
:'''James''': Watch the twerps go gaga when the going gets rough.
:'''Jessie''': ''[pulls out a shovel]'' Shovel may care.
:'''James''': ''[pulls out a pick]'' Pick a pair.
:'''Meowth''': Want Pikachu? Well, tough.
:'''Jessie''': We bring chaos at a breakneck pace.
:'''James''': We dash all hope and bring fear in its place.
:''[Cue Jessie and James sitting in a balance scale]''
:'''Jessie''': A rose by any other name is just as sweet.
:'''James''': When everything’s worse, our work’s complete.
:'''Jessie''': Jessie!
:'''James''': And James!
:'''Meowth''': Meowth, now that’s a name!
:'''Jessie''': Putting the do-gooders in their place.
:'''James''': We’re Team Rocket!
:'''Team Rocket''': And we’re in your face! 
:''[Cue everyone but Nurse Joy glaring at Team Rocket]''
:'''Nurse Joy''': Wow, what fun.
:'''Ash''': No, you’re wrong, Nurse Joy!
:'''Brock''': Those guys are the ''bad'' guys!
:'''Nurse Joy''': ''[concerned]'' Oh, that’s just ''terrible''.
:'''Dawn''': So it ''was'' Team Rocket!
:'''Ash''': Give Pikachu back ''now''!
:''[Team Rocket starts walking away like crabs]''
:'''Jessie''': If you think we're going to bicker with you when we could be shuffling off to success, you really ''are'' a mess.
:'''Meowth''': We got happy feet!
:'''Team Rocket''': ''[slam the door shut]'' Ain’t it neat? 
:'''Ash''': Hey, come back!
:''[The heroes start chasing Team Rocket outside the Pokémon Center, who gleefully run away with Pikachu in their grasp]''
:'''Ash''': Gimme back Pikachu!
:''[It is shown that Team Rocket is being chased by Ash, Staraptor, Grotle, Monferno, Buizel and Gliscor]''
:'''Jessie''': Stubborn twerps are the ''worst'' twerps. Seviper, atten''tion''!
:'''Seviper''': Seviper!
:'''Jessie''': Please, dear, Haze.
:''[Cue Seviper spitting out its Haze attack]''
:'''Seviper''': Seviper!
:''[Cue Ash and his Pokémon stopping in their tracks due to the upcoming Haze attack, while some off-screen coughing from them can be heard]''
:'''Jessie:''' Smoke get in your eyes!
:'''Meowth:''' We'll say our goodbyes!
:''[Cue back to Ash and his Pokémon caught in the haze, trying to find a way out]''
:'''Ash''': ''[groans]'' Buizel, Water Pulse, quick!
:'''Buizel''': Bui?
:''[cue Buizel ready to use Water Pulse]''
:'''Buizel''': ''[starts forming the orb]'' Bui... ''[holds the Water Pulse up and fires it, clearing Seviper’s Haze]'' Bui!
:''[Cue Team Rocket giving exasperated expressions once noticing Buizel has cleared Seviper’s Haze attack]''
:'''Jessie''': What a bore.
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Thunderbolt, LET'S GO!
:'''Pikachu''': PIKACHUUUU! ''[uses Thunderbolt, but the net absorbs the attack]''
:'''Meowth''': Keeping the attitude in the bag is what ''we’re'' all about. 
:''[Team Rocket snickers in agreement]''
:'''Ash''': Now, Gliscor, Sand-Attack! Go!
:''[Cue Gliscor hovering above the ground, ready to use Sand-Attack]''
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor! ''[angrily starts throwing sand]'' Gli, Gli, Gli, Gli...
:''[Team Rocket stops in their tracks thanks to being trapped in a sandstorm created by Gliscor's Sand-Attacks]''
:'''Jessie''': Yanmega, you’re on!
:'''Yanmega''': Yan!
:'''Jessie''': Use SonicBoom!
:'''Yanmega''': Yan!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[gets knocked down]'' Gli!
:'''James''': All right, Carnivine, time to take the reins.
:'''Carnivine''': ''[emerges from its Poké Ball]'' Carnivine! ''[heads for James, much to Jessie's and Meowth's dismay]''
:'''James''': I didn’t say brains, you potted pinhead, I said “reins”. Carnivine, Bullet Seed.
:'''Carnivine:''' Carnivine!
:'''Ash''': All right, Grotle, Energy Ball. Staraptor, you use Aerial Ace!
:'''Grotle''': ''[forms an Energy Ball in front of his mouth and fires it]'' Grotle! 
:''[Grotle’s Energy Ball hits Yanmega, while Staraptor uses Aerial Ace to hit Carnivine, knocking them both out, much to Team Rocket’s shock]''
:'''Ash''': It’s time to finish this thing up! Monferno, Mach Punch!
:''[Monferno rapidly starts firing several Mach Punches like a Bullet Seed attack, knocking Team Rocket over and making Meowth release the net containing Pikachu, much to Dawn’s and Nurse Joy’s delight]''
:'''Dawn''': That was ''amazing''!
:'''Brock''': Monferno's become a real powerhouse since it evolved.
:'''Pikachu''': ''[falls out of the net]'' Pi... ''[relieved]'' Pika, Pi!
:''[Cue Ash, Staraptor, Grotle, Monferno, Buizel and Gliscor feeling delighted to see Pikachu back on their side]''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu, Pika, Pika.
:''[As for Team Rocket, however, they and their Pokémon are worn out and depressed from their defeat]''
:'''James''': Even my gloves hurt.
:'''Jessie''': Whoever said that the twerp was bummed from losing his battle and would be an easy mark is an absolute buffoon. Lemme at that idiot.
:'''Meowth''': ''You're'' dat idiot.
:'''Jessie''': WHAT?!
:'''James''': Something about going after &quot;the weakest of the twerp herd.&quot; 
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, and also somethin' profound about pluckin' Pikachu while de iron is hot.
:''[Cue James, Meowth and the Rocket’s Pokémon staring Jessie down]''
:'''James and Meowth''': [''eerily''] That would be our loser, Jessie.
:'''Jessie''': ''[gulps, screams, then angrily starts shouting]'' Don't you make this MY fault! You bunch of babies are in denial! And since you didn't stop me, ''[points at the others]'' it's YOUR fault!
:'''James and Meowth''': When it comes to not facing the truth, ''you're'' the queen of denial!
:'''Jessie''': ''[growls]'' I can't hear you!
:'''Team Rocket''': HUH?!
:''[Much to Team Rocket’s astonishment, they notice Ash and his Pokémon smirking maliciously, still willing to battle. In addition, all seven are partially shrouded with a glowing light]''
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''Buizel''': Bui!
:'''Monferno''': Monferno! 
:'''Grotle''': Grotle!
:'''Staraptor''': Staraptor!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Ash''': Hmm... ''[He's BACK!]''

== Promoting Healthy Tangrowth! ==

== Beating the Bustle and Hustle! ==

== Gateway to Ruin! ==
:'''James''': It appears we've wandered into a brouhaha.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': The gateway to the watchamacallit is but putty in our hands!

== Three Sides to Every Story! ==
:'''Brock''': Amazing how Piplup's trying to impress Marill.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': &quot;Nothing is more fun than another's pain!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Piplup, Marill and Elekid are strolling uphill]''
:'''Marill''': ''[singing]'' Marill, Marill, Marill, Marill Marill Marill, Marill--
:''[the trio is suddenly blocked by Team Rocket]''
:'''James''': Okay, company halt!
:'''Jessie''': If it isn't my three-sided bundles of joy!
:'''Meowth''': A normal wacko would stay with 'love triangle' but not Ms. Windbag.
:''[Gliscor is hovering above the havoc, looking confused]''
:'''Gliscor''': Gli?

== Strategy Begins at Home! ==
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' Wow...Nathaniel reminds me of me!

== A Faux Oak Finish! ==
:'''Ash''': Head-to-head? That's great!

== Historical Mystery Tour! ==

== Challenging a Towering Figure! ==

== Where No Togepi Has Gone Before! ==
:'''Brock''': An elevator! Look!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': That jerk blackened my entire wardrobe!
:'''Meowth''': And turned my boss-bot into an arsonist!

== An Egg Scramble! ==

== Gone with the Windworks! ==

== A Rivalry to Gible On! ==
:'''Dawn:''' Look, Ash. Sometimes you act so reckless you make me want to scream out loud!
:'''Ash:''' Knock it off. I don't need any advice from you.
:'''Dawn:''' WHEN I WANT TO GIVE ADVICE, I'LL GIVE IT!
:'''Ash:''' GIVE IT A REST!
:'''Dawn:''' NO, YOU!
:'''Khoury:''' Now, now. This is no time to fight.
:'''Dawn:''' IT'S THE PERFECT TIME!
:'''Ash:''' I TOLD YOU, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!
:'''Dawn:''' OH, YES YOU DO!

== Dressed for Jess Success! ==

== Bagged Then Tagged! ==

== Try for the Family Stone! ==

== Sticking with Who You Know! ==
:'''Dawn:''' No, duh! What's gotten into them, anyway?

== Unlocking the Red Chain of Events! ==

== The Needs of Three! (Agnome, Yuxie, Emrit!) ==
:''[confronting the leader of Team Galactic, Cyrus...]''
:'''Cyrus''': I am part of this. Team Galactic is my creation, and you are now in my creation's headquarters.
:'''Ash''': Headquarters, in here?!
:'''Cyrus''': Correct! We're bringing about the dawn of a new world order, so we're gathered here to discard the old world of discording conflict and make a much better one in place of it.
:'''Ash''': So, it was you who stole Lustrous Orb from the Celestic Ruins! You lied to all of us, and you lied to Cynthia, too!
:'''Cyrus''': Lose your rage. It only destroys.
:'''Dawn''': No way! Not when you treat Pokemon that way! This has gotta stop! Now, let them go back to their lake!

== The Battle Finale of Legend! ==
:'''James''': Heave ho! Let the wind blow!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Team Rocket''': Team Rocket finishes: wind, place, and show!

== The Treasure is All Mine! ==

== Mastering Current Events! ==
:''[The episode begins with the gang travelling through a forest]''
:'''Piplup''': [''exhausted''] Piplup...
:'''Dawn''': Oh, no.
:'''Ash''': Man... Bet ya we’re lost.
:'''Dawn''': How big ''is'' this forest anyway?
:'''Brock''': [''reads the PokéGear''] Heading over this way should get us out of here fast.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, I choose you! [''sends out Gliscor'']
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, have a look.
:'''Gliscor''': Gli! [''flies up above the forest'']
:'''Announcer''': While Dawn’s next Pokémon Contest in Daybreak Town awaits, our heroes seem to have gotten a bit turned around and are presently lost in a deep forest.
:[''the gang keeps on walking, until...'']
:'''Gliscor''': [''from outside the forest''] Gliscor! Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': That way! [''Ash and Co. are out of the forest, which ends up in a mountainous area''] Yeah, we’re outta here!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Ash''': [''astonished by the mountainous area''] Check it out.
:[''Suddenly, they hear familiar sounds from under the canyon.'']
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': Gliscor!
:'''Scizor''': [''chasing Gliscor''] Scizor!
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': What’s that? [''sees a Scizor chasing Gliscor''] It’s a Scizor!
:'''Gliscor''': [''lands at a safe distance from Scizor''] Gli!
:'''Piplup''': Piplup!
:'''Brock''': Look!
:'''Dawn''': A Chimecho!
:[''Scizor and Chimecho clash against each other.'']
:'''Ash''': [''about Scizor''] Whoa, fast!
:'''Gliscor''': Gli.
:[''Scizor prepares a Metal Claw attack.'']
:'''Brock''': Look, Scizor’s using Metal Claw.
:[''Chimecho uses Psywave to block the Metal Claw.'']
:'''Ash''': Chimecho’s using Psywave back.
:'''Scizor''': [''blocks the Psywave''] Scizor! [''preparing a Double Hit attack''] Sciz!
:'''Brock''': This time it’s Double Hit.
:''[Ash gasps, amazed]''
:'''Gliscor''': [''amazed''] Scor... (Whoa...)
:'''Scizor''': [''hits Chimecho and sends it flying''] Scizor!
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor! (Look out!)
:''[Gliscor and Pikachu get out of the way as Chimecho hits Piplup head-first, knocking him out.]''
:'''Piplup''': Piplup!
:'''Dawn''': [''concerned''] Piplup, no!
:'''Piplup''': [''unconscious''] Piplup... 
:''[theme song and title, then the scene changes to a concerned Dawn holding her Piplup.]''
:'''Piplup''': [''moaning''] Lup...
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, please tell you’re all right.
:'''Maya''': [''as her balloon lands''] Sorry, I never thought people or Pokémon would be way out here like this. [''to her Chimecho; concerned''] Chimecho, are you okay?
:'''Chimecho''': [''gets up''] Chime, Chime. Chime, Chime, Chime.
:[''Dawn opens her Pokédex, looking up about Chimecho.'']
:'''Rosette''': Chimecho, the Wind Chime Pokémon. Its cries, which reverberate in its hollow body, emerge as notes of beauty, which drive off its opponents.
:[''Another balloon lands, and McCann and his Scizor step out.'']
:'''McCann''': Huh? I’ll be. I’m shocked to find signs of life in this thick forest.
:'''Ash''': Excuse me. Hey, is that your Scizor?
:[''a while later'']
:'''Maya''': Wow. You don’t know who this is, do you?
:'''Ash''': Hmm... Guess I don’t.
:'''McCann and Maya''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?
:'''Dawn''': Well, I sure know. They did a story on you for “Sinnoh Now”. 
:'''Brock''': Huh?
:'''Dawn''': Yeah, you’re that Air Battle Master.
:'''Maya''': McCann.
:'''Ash''': Air Battle Master?
:'''Maya''': Right, that's it. See, when it comes to air battling, my Grandfather McCann is undefeated and unbeatable.
:'''Ash''': ''[impressed]'' Wow.
:'''Maya''': But now that he’s retired, he lives a quiet life up in the mountains near here. Sometimes he even lets me battle him.
:'''Brock''': I see! So what’s what that air battle was all about!
:'''McCann''': Now, the thing is, the way the wind blows around here makes this valley quite unique. It’s about as perfect for air battles as you’re going to get.
:'''Maya''': Every so often, someone asks Grandpa to teach them everything he knows. So many seem to wanna learn every last one of his secrets. Just yesterday, a student asked to help him make his Crobat stronger.
:'''Brock''': And so did you help him out?
:'''McCann''': Nah. I said he didn’t have a chance.
:'''Maya''': Right. See, most people don’t have a chance, but even if they can’t become students, they bring their Pokémon to be trained, right, Grandpa?
:'''McCann''': Right, dear. 
:'''Maya''': So most requests get turned down right from the start.
:'''McCann''': I figure if there’s no chance for them to become strong, it’s a waste of my time.
:'''Gliscor''': [''pops up behind Ash''] Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': Huh? Gliscor, wanna try?
:'''Gliscor''': [''eager''] Gliscor, Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': Mr. McCann, would you consider battling my Gliscor, please? You see, we’re on a journey together to win the Sinnoh League.
:'''McCann''': Are you saying your Gliscor is strong?
:'''Ash''': Yeah. Gliscor’s a huge help in my gym battles.
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor!
:'''McCann''': Well, I wonder about that.
:'''Dawn''': It’ll be great! Please?
:'''Brock''': It sure would.
:'''Pikachu''': [''happily''] Pika, Pika!
:'''Piplup''': Piplup, Piplup!
:'''Maya''': Why not? Since you’re retired, there’s not that much to do.
:'''McCann''': Perhaps. Might be a nice way to kill some time.
:[''Dawn and Brock both sweat drop and chuckle, while Gliscor gives a &quot;I don't get it&quot; look.'']
:'''Ash''': Kill some time, huh?
:'''McCann''': Scizor, let’s go! [''brings out Scizor'']
:'''Scizor''': Scizor!
:'''Gliscor''': Gli!
:'''Dawn's Pokédex''': “Scizor, the Pincer Pokémon. It threatens enemies with its eye-patterned claws, which can swing with tremendous force when used in battle.”
:'''Dawn''': Wow. Strong.
:'''Ash''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': C'mon, Gliscor. You know you can't turn well at that speed.
:'''Dawn''': Gliscor, you gotta wake up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Puh-leeze. You’d think the twerps were using vanishing cream.
:'''Meowth''': Well, they slathered it on when they hit the forest.
:'''James''': So twerpishly slick.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Maya''': Grandpa, shouldn’t you wrap this up soon?
:'''McCann''': I suppose. No sense wasting anymore of my time. [''to Scizor''] Scizor, Hyper Beam, let’s go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''After Gliscor lost against Scizor and once the balloon lands.'']
:'''Gliscor''': Gli...
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, are you okay?
:'''Gliscor''': [''recovers''] Gli...
:'''Brock''': That was rough.
:'''Ash''': Yeah. Poor Gliscor wasn’t even able to get in a single hit.
:'''Gliscor''': [''tears up''] Gli...
:'''Ash''': Hey, Gliscor, don’t cry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''During sunset, Gliscor is still crying about its defeat.'']
:'''Ash''': Yeah, that was a tough loss, eh, Gliscor?
:'''Gliscor''': [''looks at Ash''] Gliscor. Gli...
:[''After sunset, inside the guest house, the gang is having dinner. Gliscor, however, is not hungry, but instead mourning about its defeat'']
:'''Ash''': Gliscor? Not much of an appetite, huh?
:'''Dawn''': You've gotta eat if you wanna get stronger.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika!
:'''Piplup''': Piplup!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[reluctant]'' Gli... (Fine...)
:'''Piplup''': Lup. [''starts eating'']
:'''Gliscor''': [''reaches for its bowl, much to its reluctance; with a full mouth''] Gliscor.
:[''several minutes later, after dinner'']
:'''Ash''': [''holds up Gliscor’s Poké-Ball''] 'Kay, Gliscor, time for bed.
:[''short pause'']
:'''Gliscor''': [''reluctant''] Scor. (No.)
:'''Ash''': But, Gliscor, you’ve gotta get some rest.
:'''Brock''': I guess Gliscor’s got a lot to think about.
:'''Ash''': Guess so...
:[''While the gang falls asleep, Ash loses grasp of Pikachu.'']
:'''Pikachu''': [''wakes up''] Pika? [''rubs his eye, then goes outside. At the edge of the valley, Gliscor is gazing at the moon, still mourning about its loss; off-screen''] Pika, Pika?
:'''Gliscor''': Gli. (Hmm?)
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu.
:'''Ash''': [''approaches them''] Gliscor.
:'''Gliscor''': [''looks away''] Gli.
:'''Ash''': Too upset to sleep, huh?
:'''Gliscor''': Scor. (Yeah.)
:'''Ash''': Hey, what do you say we take a whack at trying to read the wind, just like McCann said?
:'''Gliscor''': [''heads up''] Gli? (Really?) [''grinning''] Scor. (Yes.)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': [''thinking''] What'd he say about reading the wind? Yeah, got it!
:[''Cut to Gliscor chasing Staraptor, who has a rope tied to his tail.'']
:'''Staraptor''': Star.
:'''Gliscor''': Gli.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, that’s it! Just keep on chasing after the rope!
:'''Staraptor''': Staraptor.
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor.
:'''Dawn''': [''holding a paper bag''] Here, Ash, try using this.
:'''Ash''': Dawn!
:'''Dawn''': I took a bit tinfoil and used it to make confetti. Watch this. [''throws some confetti in the air, which reveals the wind once caught in it'']
:'''Ash''': Whoa, great! Now you can see the wind. [''to Gliscor''] Now, Gliscor, follow that trail! 
:'''Gliscor''': [''starts following the confetti''] Gli!
:'''Ash''': [''is given the bag''] Thanks a lot, Dawn. [''to Gliscor''] Gliscor, look down! [''throws some confetti''] Here’s more!
:'''Gliscor''': [''following the next trail of confetti''] Scor!
:'''Ash''': You’re really riding the wind!
:'''Pikachu''': [''happy''] Pika, Pika!
:[''Meanwhile, Team Rocket are travelling in their balloon at night while suddenly some tinfoil hits them.'']
:'''Meowth''': What’s with the sparkles?
:'''James''': That’s flying tinfoil.
:'''Jessie''': For what?
:'''Meowth''': [''points at something off-screen''] That! 
:'''Gliscor''': Gliscor! [''lands in Team Rocket’s balloon basket'']
:'''Meowth''': [''to Jessie and James''] This Gliscor’s from the twoips. [''to Gliscor''] What are you doing on a night like this?
:'''Gliscor''': [''calmly''] Gliscor, Gli. Gli, Gliscor, Gli.
:'''Jessie''': Translation, please.
:'''Meowth''': Gliscor’s trying to read the wind so it can battle Scizor for the win.
:'''James''': I see... not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[about Team Rocket]''
:'''Ash''': Why are they here? It's night.
:'''Dawn''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCann''': Really? You want an air battle with me again?
:'''Maya''': Even though Gliscor wasn’t able to land a single hit before?
:'''Ash''': ''[as he and Gliscor bow]'' Yes, we do. We’re asking for another chance, please.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup.
:'''Dawn''': Oh, please, sir. Ash and Gliscor worked really hard all night long learning to read the wind. 
:'''Brock''': They get it now.
:'''Ash''': ‘Course, we might not be able to beat Scizor after all of this, but still. We really wanna check how far we’ve come and look at Gliscor’s progress.
:'''Gliscor''': [''determined''] Gli!
:'''McCann''': Dear, what should I do?
:'''Maya''': Well, there’s always more time to kill, so why not?
:[''a moment later, Ash’s Gliscor and McCann’s Scizor are prepared for the rematch.'']
:'''McCann''': All right, then. Ready to go?
:'''Ash''': Yeah.
:'''Dawn''': Do it, Gliscor! Good luck.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''When Gliscor’s X-Scissor missed Scizor, much to Ash's frustration.'']
:'''Dawn''': Scizor’s so fast. It’s amazing.
:'''McCann''': Metal Claw!
:'''Scizor''': [''powers up Metal Claw''] Sciz...
:'''Gliscor''': [''determinedly dodges the Metal Claw''] Gli.
:'''McCann''': Oh, so Gliscor can dodge now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''After Gliscor lost a second time.'']
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, you okay?
:'''Gliscor''': Gli...
:'''Ash''': So we lost again.
:'''Gliscor''': Gli.
:'''Ash''': But not only did you learn how to read the wind, you learned a brand-new move, too. And that’s really good, you know?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[smiles]'' Gli.
:'''Dawn''': Sure is, it’s great!
:'''Brock''': That’s real progress
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika!
:'''Piplup''': Piplup, Piplup!
:'''Maya''': Yeah, that performance really wasn’t bad at all.
:'''McCann''': Indeed. Tell me, Ash. How would you like to leave Gliscor with me for a little training?
:'''Ash''': Leave Gliscor here?
:'''McCann''': If your Gliscor was able to read the wind that well in just one night, there’s a making of a great pupil here.
:'''Ash''': [''stunned''] Whoa, I don’t know what to say.
:'''McCann''': It’s quite amazing how this reminds me of the very first time I met Scizor. It’s been a long time since I’ve met a Pokémon I wanted to train.
:'''Gliscor''': [''shocked''] Gliscor? [''stares at the ground, thinking''] Gli...

== Double Time Battle Training! ==

== A Meteoric Rise to Excellence! ==
:'''Ash''': I can't believe Team Rocket would even pull a stunt like this.

== Gotta Get a Gible! ==
:'''Meowth''': That jerk's got ostentatious-itis!

==External  links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
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    <title>Pokémon/Season 13</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
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This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl: Sinnoh League Victors, (advertised as Pokémon: DP Sinnoh League Victors) aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the thirteenth season of the Pokémon animated series, concluding the continuing adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he continues to travel Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Regaining the Home Advantage ==

== Short and to the Punch ==

== A Marathon Rivalry ==

== Yes, in Dee-Dee It's Dawn ==

== Playing the Performance Encore ==

== Fighting Ire with Fire ==

== Piplup, Up and Away ==

== Flint Sparks the Fire ==
:'''Volkner''': Yes an electrifying one.

== The Fleeing Tower of Sunyshore ==
:''[Grotle uses Tackle and sends Carnivine and Seviper flying backwards, but the two refuse to back down.]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle, awesome! Next, follow up with Razor Leaf! Let's go!
:'''Grotle''': Grotle! Grooo...''[As it is about to execute the attack, it begins to glow!]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle!
:'''Volkner''': Grotle's evolving.
:''[Seconds later, Ash's Grotle evolves into Torterra]''
:'''Torterra''': Torterra!

== Teaching the Student Teacher ==

== Keeping in Top Form ==

== Pokémon Ranger: Heatran Rescue ==

== An Elite Coverup ==

== Dawn of a Royal Day ==

== With the Easiest of Grace ==
:'''Dawn''': Togekiss has just protected Piplup!
:'''Piplup''': Lup? [Really?]
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-toss! [Style! For shame!]
:''[Togekiss walks over to Gible]''
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-Tos Tos? Ki Tos Tos Tos? [Is Piplup really a friend of yours? If so, why are you causing him harm with that Draco Meteor?]

== Dealing with a Fierce Double Ditto Drama ==
:'''Dawn''': Ash Ketchum! The least you two could do is train elsewhere if you're going to use Gible's Draco Meteor!

== Last Call, First Round ==

== Opposites Interact ==

== Coming Full Festival Circle ==

== A Grand Fight for Winning ==

== For the Love of Meowth ==

== The Eighth Wonder of the Sinnoh World ==
:'''Volkner''': Well, this is it. Whether I lose or win, this battle it's sad that this will be our last battle.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Flint''': That's got to be Blaze, Infernape's ability.

== Four Roads Diverged in a Pokémon Port ==
:''[Buizel loses to Kenny's Empoleon]''
:'''Brock''': Buizel's unable to battle! The winner is Empoleon and the victory goes to Kenny! ''[Note: Many fans often claim that Ash's Buizel is a strong unevolved Pokémon that does not need evolution. However, Buizel was obviously put out of focus in favor of Infernape, hence why it failed against Empoleon and did not get enough character development.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kenny arrives at the lighthouse waiting for Dawn to arrive. Instead, there's only a note]''
:'''Kenny''': Dear Kenny...
:'''Dawn''': ''[in the letter]'' About my future plans, for the time being, I've decided to go with Ash and cheer him on at the Sinnoh League. I'll have to think about what I'm doing after that. And only I can figure that out. But I can guarantee you one thing for sure: No matter what else happens, I'm going to keep on working toward my dream of becoming Top Coordinator. And as long as we share the same dream, Kenny, I'm certain we'll meet again. Count on it!

== Bucking the Treasure Trend ==

== An Old Family Blend ==

== League Unleashed ==

== Casting a Paul on a Barry ==

== Working on a Right Move ==
:'''Brock''': Instead of using Flame Wheel, Infernape powered up by learning Flare Blitz. That was great!
:'''Ash''': Thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Barry''': So you're training hard to beat Paul, aren't you?
:'''Ash''': Yeah, but I've gotta defeat Conway first.
:'''Barry''': Right!  I forgot. So this is your Pokémon team for today. ''[Ash's Infernape, Torterra and Glalie are shown]'' You're going for pure power with those three.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''When Ash sends in Noctowl'']
:'''Barry''': Brock! Ash's Noctowl is a different shiny color!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Ash has sent in Gible'']
:'''Conway''': I didn't think it had mastered Draco Meteor yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash:''' Gible, watch out for that tongue!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Dusknoir is about to defeat Donphan]''
:'''Conway:''' Hmm... it's the end of the line, Ash! ''[to Dusknoir]'' Shadow Punch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ash defeated Conway]''
:'''Conway''': This has got to be the least calculated battle I've ever seen.  At least a new battle equation has been inputted into my database.  Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after the battles for the quarter-finals have been chosen]''
:'''Dawn''': Ash against Paul.
:'''Barry''': IT'S ABOUT TIME! Ash and Paul are finally going to battle it out!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': And Gible gets today’s gallantry award. Eat all you want.
:'''Gible''': ''[eating]'' Gible.
:'''Dawn''': Now that Gible has mastered Draco Meteor, I’m sure Piplup will be able to rest easier. Am I right?
:'''Piplup''': ''[happy]'' Piplup!
:'''Ash''': ''[overseeing his Pokémon]'' Thanks a lot, Gible, Noctowl and Donphan. I’ll work hard in round 4. And that’s a promise!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu!
:''[Paul and his Electivire approach]''
:'''Barry''': It’s Paul!
:'''Ash''': Hey, Paul. So, are you fine-tuning your Pokémon?
:'''Paul''': Yeah.
:'''Electivire''': Electivire!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Cynthia''': ''[overseeing the two trainers]'' It’s Paul vs. Ash. I’m really looking forward to their battle.
:'''Narrator''': ''[v.o.]'' And so, Ash advances to round 4: the quarter-finals, where our battle with Paul promises some red-hot excitement, so stay tuned for two longtime rivals going at it head to head.
:''[Cut after sunset]''
:'''Ash''': I got Buizel, Professor.
:'''Oak''': Good. Noctowl and the others are all in good hands. So, waiting for your third Pokémon for tomorrow?
:'''Ash''': Right. It should be here any minute now.
:''[Dawn enters the Pokémon Center]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip, Piplup!
:'''Dawn''': Hey, Ash, it's here!
:'''Ash''': Really?!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:''[Dawn and Ash head outside the Pokémon Center, where Brock is waiting for them]''
:'''Brock''': Ash, ''[points at something off-screen]'' look!
:''[Dawn and Ash look up and notice a familiar shadow heading for them, much to Ash's and Pikachu's delight]''
:'''Ash''': I've been waiting. Gliscor!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[eagerly licks her lips]'' Gli.

== Familiarity Breeds Strategy ==
:'''Ash''': Awesome, huh? Gliscor learned a lot from battling the Air Battle Master. ''[petting Gliscor]'' Training with him was a really good thing for you, wasn’t it?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[licks his lips]'' Gliscor, Gli! ''[glomps Ash]''

== A Real Rival Rouser! ==
:'''Meowth''': A toxic rerun!
:'''Jessie''': And I hate reruns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul''': I purposely let you take out Aggron and Gastrodon so I could be certain of your strategy and exactly which Pokémon you'd use.
:'''Ash''': Purposely?
:'''Paul''': ''[as he recalls Drapion]'' Ever since I brought out Drapion, I've been able to predict every one of your moves.
:''[Ash gives a rude smirk to Paul, much to Paul's confusion]''
:'''Ash''': ''[As Ash readies Gliscor]'' Paul, there's nobody like you. That's why I'm going to win this.
:'''Paul''': ''[Readies Ninjask]'' It's the other way around. I'm leaving you way behind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Ninjask is using Agility, combined with Speed Boost, leaving Gliscor perplexed]''
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, just relax and use Stone Edge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Infernape used Flare Blitz from underground to expel Drapion’s Toxic Spikes]''
:'''Ash''': Well Paul, that takes care of your Toxic Spikes.
:'''Paul''': It was a pretty clever move, Ash.
:'''Ash''': Bring it on!
:'''Paul''': Giga Drain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ninjask is using Giga Drain on Infernape]''
:'''Barry''': It looks to me like Ninjask's not able to use Speed Boost anymore.
:'''Dawn''': It's slower alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul bitterly recalls Ninjask. Guess he should have improved Ninjask rather than focusing more on Honchkrow.]''
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape's Mach Punch puts an end to Ninjask's speedy spinning. And now both sides just have three Pokemon remaining, turning this bout into a serious battle of strategies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Wow! Those two did it!
:'''Barry''': ''[sighs in relief]'' I was worried for a while. Good thing Pikachu’s awesomely strong!
:'''Brock''': But Paul still has two Pokémon left. And one of them hasn’t even battled yet. Ash’s Pokémon all have taken damage, and that can only mean one thing: ''[cue Pikachu panting out of exhaustion]'' Ash is still operating at a disadvantage.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Pikachu defeated Froslass, much to Team Rocket’s relief]''
:'''James''': I need to take a nap. Tussling twerps exhaust me.
:'''Jessie''': I’d take a pause for the cause. ''[opens a can of soda and drinks it]''
:'''James and Meowth''': Stop, Jess!
:'''Jessie''': ''[screams]'' I'm a profit guzzler!
:'''Meowth''': Well, since we know you, we'll recharge ya triple.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[[As soon as Gliscor is sent out, it briefly loses balance, wincing in pain]''
:'''Announcer''': Gliscor looks a bit shaken, obviously reeling from the previous bout with Ninjask.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, let’s see what you’ve learned from your training with the Air Battle Master! You ready?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[nods]'' Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' I know Drapion’s battling style by now, and the only one who can turn the tables on Paul is Gliscor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Gliscor lands a Giga Impact on Drapion and performed a mid-air somersault, much to Ash’s and Team Rocket’s amazement, and the confusion of Paul and his Drapion]''
:'''Dawn''': Now ''that's'' the way to be in an air battle!
:'''Barry''': Yeah! Gliscor's training is really paying off!
:'''Brock''': Right! And you can thank the Air Battle Master! ''[v.o.]'' Now Gliscor's safe even after not being able to move right after using Giga Impact!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Well done. That Stone Edge got my attention alright. So...PIN MISSILE!

== Battling a Thaw in Relations! ==
:''[After Paul sent in Electivire]''
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' Electric-type moves have no effect on Gliscor, but still...
:'''Gliscor''': ''[turns to Ash]'' Gliscor Gli Gliscor.
:'''Ash''': But, Gliscor... ''[short pause]'' 'Kay, you've got yourself a deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Infernape falls to the ground after taking a brutal Thunder attack from Electivire.]
:'''Announcer''': Infernape is down!
:'''James''': It can't be...
:'''Jessie''': Come ''on'', Infernape! Show us some of that fighting spirit!
:'''Meowth''': You've never trown in the towel with anything you've ever done, so don't start throwing it ''now''!
:'''Wobbuffet''': ''[clamoring]'' WOB-BUFFET!!
:'''Dawn''': Poor Infernape...
:'''Piplup''': [teary-eyed] Lup...
:''[Reggie and Cynthia watch over Infernape, wondering if the Flame Pokémon, and Ash for that matter, is really eliminated.]''
:'''Referee''': Infernape's unable to-- huh?
:'''Electivire''': ''[to the referee]'' Vire! 
:''[Infernape starts to help itself to its feet.]''
:'''Referee''': Oh!
:''[Infernape stares angrily through blurry eyes at Electivire, who motions for Infernape to stand up.]
:'''Electivire''': Electi! Electivire! [Get up, Infernape! I want this battle to be done properly!]
:'''Paul''': ''[disappointed]'' So I guess that's the best you can do then? You're pathetic, just like always.
:'''Infernape''': Fern...ape! ''[It's eyes open up with a renewed drive to claim victory over Electivire and Paul.]''
:'''Ash''': 'Fraid not.
:'''Paul''': Huh?!
:'''Cynthia and Reggie''': Ohh!
:'''Ash''': Alright! Infernape, time to show Paul just how strong you are!
:'''Infernape''': ''[As Blaze activates]'' Innnn...feerrrrn...AAAAAAPE!!! AAAAAAPE! [PATHETIC?!]
:'''Ash''': Yes!
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape is back with a vengeance...
:'''Paul''': Hmph!
:'''Announcer''': ...showing the entire stadium incredible will and fighting spirit!
:''[The effects of Infernape's Blaze radiate upward from the battlefield, and can be seen from outside the stadium.]''
:'''Barry''': It's Blaze!
:'''Brock''': Reaching the absolute limits of Infernape's endurance has actually brought out its greatest strength!
:'''Dawn''': But with all of the damage Infernape's taken, they better finish this up, quickly!
:'''Piplup''': [cheering Infernape on] Pip... PIPLUP! PIPLUP!
:'''Team Rocket''': ''[cheering]'' Infernape's up, so are we! A happier team you'll never see! Help that twerp make the bad guy drool and slurp!
:'''Reggie''': So this is what Ash was going for all along!
:'''Ash''': Time for the ''real'' battle! Alright! Infernape, Flamethrower!
:'''Infernape''': ''[Launching Flamethrower]'' Innn...FERNAPE! 
:'''Paul''': Infernape's more powerful than ever, so heads-up! ''Thunder''!
:'''Electivire''': [releasing Thunder] Electi...vire! 
:[resisting Flamethrower] Vire!
:''[The two attacks explode on impact, leaving the battlefield in dust.]''
:'''Ash''': Mach Punch, go!
:'''Infernape''': In...fernape! ''[quickly lands a blow on Electivire with said attack]''
:'''Electivire''': E...vire! ''[is sent flying from Infernape's Mach Punch, but is able to land on its feet.]''
:'''Ash and Paul''': Let's finish this!
:'''Paul''': Use Thunder Punch!
:'''Electivire''': ''[charging towards Infernape with Thunder Punch]'' Elec-ec-ec-ec-ec!
:'''Ash''': Flare Blitz, GO!
:'''Infernape''': Innn...fernnn...aaaAAPE!! ''[charges up, then hurtles toward Electivire with Flare Blitz]''
:'''Electivire''': [unleashing Thunder Punch]'' Electi... 
:''[The two attacks collide, forming a powerful tornado that is visible outside the stadium, with Ash holding his ground and Paul standing still on either side of it.]''
:'''Infernape''': In...FERN...AAAAPE!![In the midst of a split-screen struggle between the two attacks, Infernape breaks the fourth wall and overpowers Electivire, causing the tornado to surge and strengthen.]''
:''[Infernape appears behind Electivire, having dealt a devastating blow to Electivire.]''
:'''Infernape''': ''[taking recoil damage from Flare Blitz]'' Infernape...
:'''Electivire''': ''[exploding from the force of Flare Blitz]'' Vire!
:''[Electivire's eye lights up within the smoke.]''
:Electi. Electivire.
:'''Infernape''': Infernape! ''[Turns around and meets its opponent in a staredown.]''
:''[Infernape &amp; Ash and Electivire &amp; Paul stare at each other in a moment of extreme tension in which the winner of their battle is decided. A heartbeat can be heard.]''
:'''Electivire''': Vire... [Succumbs to its damage, fainting.]
:'''Referee''': Electivire is unable to battle! Infernape wins! Which means the victory goes to Ash of Pallet Town!
:'''Ash''': ALRIGHT!!
:'''Announcer''': And that's all she wrote! After a fantastically fierce full 6-on-6 battle, the winner of today's attack fest is Ash!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' ''[recalling his Electivire]'' Thank you. Good battle, Electivire. Hm?
:'''Infernape''': Infernape!
:'''Paul''': Well...huh? ''[Infernape collapses but luckily Ash manages to catch him]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At Veilstone City, Reggie talks to his own Staraptor and Swalot, along with Paul's Torterra, Honchkrow, Weavile and Ursaring]''
:'''Reggie''': I'm sorry, but Paul lost. ''[The Pokemon all groan in sadness]'' But you know the battle will just make Paul stronger still. As soon as Paul gets back, then we'll have a battle. ''[The Pokemon all cheer in happiness]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Infernape's gotten a lot stronger.
:'''Ash:''' Yeah, sure has, Paul. Are you going?
:'''Paul:''' I lost, Ash, didn't I? So there's no reason to stay. I'm going to go back to Snowpoint City and request another battle with Brandon.
:'''Ash:''' Got ya. Good luck, Paul.
:'''Paul:''' Yeah...thanks, you too.
:'''Cynthia''': Paul...and Ash. Someday soon, they'll both be entering the Champion League and how I look forward to that day. 
:''[Just then the boat rings signalling that it is about to leave]''
:'''Paul''': So...I'll see you. ''[walks away saddened that karma had finally caught up to him]''
:'''Ash''': One more thing, Paul! Let's battle again real soon! 
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! (Take care, Paul!)
:''[Paul is shocked by the proposal but has a warm friendly smile. He waves goodbye to Ash in a friendly matter without looking back, finally acknowledging Ash as a worthy trainer]''

== The Semi-Final Frontier ==
:'''Tobias''': ''[after recalling Darkrai, who finally lost for once]'' You have definitely proved you earned your spot in the semi-final round. To think I'm using my second Pokémon right here in this Poké Ball. LET'S GO! ''[Seconds later, Tobias summons...a Latios?!?]''

== The Brockster is In ==
:'''James''': Bingo!  My favorite bling!
:'''Jessie''': [''laughs''] Is it gold? Silver? Platinum?
:'''Meowth''': Rubies or sapphires? Although diamonds and pearls rock too!
:'''James''': It's not quite that black and white.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': Hey, that's my bottlecap!
:'''Jessie''': You may have lost a bottlecap but you've gained your life!
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, word up.
:'''James''': That was...my life.

== Memories are Made of Bliss ==
==External  link==
{{Wikipedia}}
:
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153460</id>
      <parentid>3153459</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:43:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>69.119.146.76</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Battling a Thaw in Relations! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="17974" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl: Sinnoh League Victors, (advertised as Pokémon: DP Sinnoh League Victors) aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the thirteenth season of the Pokémon animated series, concluding the continuing adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he continues to travel Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Regaining the Home Advantage ==

== Short and to the Punch ==

== A Marathon Rivalry ==

== Yes, in Dee-Dee It's Dawn ==

== Playing the Performance Encore ==

== Fighting Ire with Fire ==

== Piplup, Up and Away ==

== Flint Sparks the Fire ==
:'''Volkner''': Yes an electrifying one.

== The Fleeing Tower of Sunyshore ==
:''[Grotle uses Tackle and sends Carnivine and Seviper flying backwards, but the two refuse to back down.]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle, awesome! Next, follow up with Razor Leaf! Let's go!
:'''Grotle''': Grotle! Grooo...''[As it is about to execute the attack, it begins to glow!]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle!
:'''Volkner''': Grotle's evolving.
:''[Seconds later, Ash's Grotle evolves into Torterra]''
:'''Torterra''': Torterra!

== Teaching the Student Teacher ==

== Keeping in Top Form ==

== Pokémon Ranger: Heatran Rescue ==

== An Elite Coverup ==

== Dawn of a Royal Day ==

== With the Easiest of Grace ==
:'''Dawn''': Togekiss has just protected Piplup!
:'''Piplup''': Lup? [Really?]
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-toss! [Style! For shame!]
:''[Togekiss walks over to Gible]''
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-Tos Tos? Ki Tos Tos Tos? [Is Piplup really a friend of yours? If so, why are you causing him harm with that Draco Meteor?]

== Dealing with a Fierce Double Ditto Drama ==
:'''Dawn''': Ash Ketchum! The least you two could do is train elsewhere if you're going to use Gible's Draco Meteor!

== Last Call, First Round ==

== Opposites Interact ==

== Coming Full Festival Circle ==

== A Grand Fight for Winning ==

== For the Love of Meowth ==

== The Eighth Wonder of the Sinnoh World ==
:'''Volkner''': Well, this is it. Whether I lose or win, this battle it's sad that this will be our last battle.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Flint''': That's got to be Blaze, Infernape's ability.

== Four Roads Diverged in a Pokémon Port ==
:''[Buizel loses to Kenny's Empoleon]''
:'''Brock''': Buizel's unable to battle! The winner is Empoleon and the victory goes to Kenny! ''[Note: Many fans often claim that Ash's Buizel is a strong unevolved Pokémon that does not need evolution. However, Buizel was obviously put out of focus in favor of Infernape, hence why it failed against Empoleon and did not get enough character development.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kenny arrives at the lighthouse waiting for Dawn to arrive. Instead, there's only a note]''
:'''Kenny''': Dear Kenny...
:'''Dawn''': ''[in the letter]'' About my future plans, for the time being, I've decided to go with Ash and cheer him on at the Sinnoh League. I'll have to think about what I'm doing after that. And only I can figure that out. But I can guarantee you one thing for sure: No matter what else happens, I'm going to keep on working toward my dream of becoming Top Coordinator. And as long as we share the same dream, Kenny, I'm certain we'll meet again. Count on it!

== Bucking the Treasure Trend ==

== An Old Family Blend ==

== League Unleashed ==

== Casting a Paul on a Barry ==

== Working on a Right Move ==
:'''Brock''': Instead of using Flame Wheel, Infernape powered up by learning Flare Blitz. That was great!
:'''Ash''': Thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Barry''': So you're training hard to beat Paul, aren't you?
:'''Ash''': Yeah, but I've gotta defeat Conway first.
:'''Barry''': Right!  I forgot. So this is your Pokémon team for today. ''[Ash's Infernape, Torterra and Glalie are shown]'' You're going for pure power with those three.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''When Ash sends in Noctowl'']
:'''Barry''': Brock! Ash's Noctowl is a different shiny color!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Ash has sent in Gible'']
:'''Conway''': I didn't think it had mastered Draco Meteor yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash:''' Gible, watch out for that tongue!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Dusknoir is about to defeat Donphan]''
:'''Conway:''' Hmm... it's the end of the line, Ash! ''[to Dusknoir]'' Shadow Punch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ash defeated Conway]''
:'''Conway''': This has got to be the least calculated battle I've ever seen.  At least a new battle equation has been inputted into my database.  Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after the battles for the quarter-finals have been chosen]''
:'''Dawn''': Ash against Paul.
:'''Barry''': IT'S ABOUT TIME! Ash and Paul are finally going to battle it out!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': And Gible gets today’s gallantry award. Eat all you want.
:'''Gible''': ''[eating]'' Gible.
:'''Dawn''': Now that Gible has mastered Draco Meteor, I’m sure Piplup will be able to rest easier. Am I right?
:'''Piplup''': ''[happy]'' Piplup!
:'''Ash''': ''[overseeing his Pokémon]'' Thanks a lot, Gible, Noctowl and Donphan. I’ll work hard in round 4. And that’s a promise!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu!
:''[Paul and his Electivire approach]''
:'''Barry''': It’s Paul!
:'''Ash''': Hey, Paul. So, are you fine-tuning your Pokémon?
:'''Paul''': Yeah.
:'''Electivire''': Electivire!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Cynthia''': ''[overseeing the two trainers]'' It’s Paul vs. Ash. I’m really looking forward to their battle.
:'''Narrator''': ''[v.o.]'' And so, Ash advances to round 4: the quarter-finals, where our battle with Paul promises some red-hot excitement, so stay tuned for two longtime rivals going at it head to head.
:''[Cut after sunset]''
:'''Ash''': I got Buizel, Professor.
:'''Oak''': Good. Noctowl and the others are all in good hands. So, waiting for your third Pokémon for tomorrow?
:'''Ash''': Right. It should be here any minute now.
:''[Dawn enters the Pokémon Center]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip, Piplup!
:'''Dawn''': Hey, Ash, it's here!
:'''Ash''': Really?!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:''[Dawn and Ash head outside the Pokémon Center, where Brock is waiting for them]''
:'''Brock''': Ash, ''[points at something off-screen]'' look!
:''[Dawn and Ash look up and notice a familiar shadow heading for them, much to Ash's and Pikachu's delight]''
:'''Ash''': I've been waiting. Gliscor!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[eagerly licks her lips]'' Gli.

== Familiarity Breeds Strategy ==
:'''Ash''': Awesome, huh? Gliscor learned a lot from battling the Air Battle Master. ''[petting Gliscor]'' Training with him was a really good thing for you, wasn’t it?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[licks his lips]'' Gliscor, Gli! ''[glomps Ash]''

== A Real Rival Rouser! ==
:'''Meowth''': A toxic rerun!
:'''Jessie''': And I hate reruns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul''': I purposely let you take out Aggron and Gastrodon so I could be certain of your strategy and exactly which Pokémon you'd use.
:'''Ash''': Purposely?
:'''Paul''': ''[as he recalls Drapion]'' Ever since I brought out Drapion, I've been able to predict every one of your moves.
:''[Ash gives a rude smirk to Paul, much to Paul's confusion]''
:'''Ash''': ''[As Ash readies Gliscor]'' Paul, there's nobody like you. That's why I'm going to win this.
:'''Paul''': ''[Readies Ninjask]'' It's the other way around. I'm leaving you way behind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Ninjask is using Agility, combined with Speed Boost, leaving Gliscor perplexed]''
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, just relax and use Stone Edge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Infernape used Flare Blitz from underground to expel Drapion’s Toxic Spikes]''
:'''Ash''': Well Paul, that takes care of your Toxic Spikes.
:'''Paul''': It was a pretty clever move, Ash.
:'''Ash''': Bring it on!
:'''Paul''': Giga Drain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ninjask is using Giga Drain on Infernape]''
:'''Barry''': It looks to me like Ninjask's not able to use Speed Boost anymore.
:'''Dawn''': It's slower alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul bitterly recalls Ninjask. Guess he should have improved Ninjask rather than focusing more on Honchkrow.]''
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape's Mach Punch puts an end to Ninjask's speedy spinning. And now both sides just have three Pokemon remaining, turning this bout into a serious battle of strategies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Wow! Those two did it!
:'''Barry''': ''[sighs in relief]'' I was worried for a while. Good thing Pikachu’s awesomely strong!
:'''Brock''': But Paul still has two Pokémon left. And one of them hasn’t even battled yet. Ash’s Pokémon all have taken damage, and that can only mean one thing: ''[cue Pikachu panting out of exhaustion]'' Ash is still operating at a disadvantage.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Pikachu defeated Froslass, much to Team Rocket’s relief]''
:'''James''': I need to take a nap. Tussling twerps exhaust me.
:'''Jessie''': I’d take a pause for the cause. ''[opens a can of soda and drinks it]''
:'''James and Meowth''': Stop, Jess!
:'''Jessie''': ''[screams]'' I'm a profit guzzler!
:'''Meowth''': Well, since we know you, we'll recharge ya triple.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[[As soon as Gliscor is sent out, it briefly loses balance, wincing in pain]''
:'''Announcer''': Gliscor looks a bit shaken, obviously reeling from the previous bout with Ninjask.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, let’s see what you’ve learned from your training with the Air Battle Master! You ready?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[nods]'' Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' I know Drapion’s battling style by now, and the only one who can turn the tables on Paul is Gliscor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Gliscor lands a Giga Impact on Drapion and performed a mid-air somersault, much to Ash’s and Team Rocket’s amazement, and the confusion of Paul and his Drapion]''
:'''Dawn''': Now ''that's'' the way to be in an air battle!
:'''Barry''': Yeah! Gliscor's training is really paying off!
:'''Brock''': Right! And you can thank the Air Battle Master! ''[v.o.]'' Now Gliscor's safe even after not being able to move right after using Giga Impact!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Well done. That Stone Edge got my attention alright. So...PIN MISSILE!

== Battling a Thaw in Relations! ==
:''[After Paul sent in Electivire]''
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' Electric-type moves have no effect on Gliscor, but still...
:'''Gliscor''': ''[turns to Ash]'' Gliscor Gli Gliscor.
:'''Ash''': But, Gliscor... ''[short pause]'' 'Kay, you've got yourself a deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Infernape falls to the ground after taking a brutal Thunder attack from Electivire.]
:'''Announcer''': Infernape is down!
:'''James''': It can't be...
:'''Jessie''': Come ''on'', Infernape! Show us some of that fighting spirit!
:'''Meowth''': You've never trown in the towel with anything you've ever done, so don't start throwing it ''now''!
:'''Wobbuffet''': ''[clamoring]'' WOB-BUFFET!!
:'''Dawn''': Poor Infernape...
:'''Piplup''': [teary-eyed] Lup...
:''[Reggie and Cynthia watch over Infernape, wondering if the Flame Pokémon, and Ash for that matter, is really eliminated.]''
:'''Referee''': Infernape's unable to-- huh?
:'''Electivire''': ''[to the referee]'' Vire! 
:''[Infernape starts to help itself to its feet.]''
:'''Referee''': Oh!
:''[Infernape stares angrily through blurry eyes at Electivire, who motions for Infernape to stand up.]
:'''Electivire''': Electi! Electivire! [Get up, Infernape! I want this battle to be done properly!]
:'''Paul''': ''[disappointed]'' So I guess that's the best you can do then? You're pathetic, just like always.
:'''Infernape''': Fern...ape! ''[It's eyes open up with a renewed drive to claim victory over Electivire and Paul.]''
:'''Ash''': 'Fraid not.
:'''Paul''': Huh?!
:'''Cynthia and Reggie''': Ohh!
:'''Ash''': Alright! Infernape, time to show Paul just how strong you are!
:'''Infernape''': ''[As Blaze activates]'' Innnn...feerrrrn...AAAAAAPE!!! AAAAAAPE! [PATHETIC?!]
:'''Ash''': Yes!
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape is back with a vengeance...
:'''Paul''': Hmph!
:'''Announcer''': ...showing the entire stadium incredible will and fighting spirit!
:''[The effects of Infernape's Blaze radiate upward from the battlefield, and can be seen from outside the stadium.]''
:'''Barry''': It's Blaze!
:'''Brock''': Reaching the absolute limits of Infernape's endurance has actually brought out its greatest strength!
:'''Dawn''': But with all of the damage Infernape's taken, they better finish this up, quickly!
:'''Piplup''': [cheering Infernape on] Pip... PIPLUP! PIPLUP!
:'''Team Rocket''': ''[cheering]'' Infernape's up, so are we! A happier team you'll never see! Help that twerp make the bad guy drool and slurp!
:'''Reggie''': So this is what Ash was going for all along!
:'''Ash''': Time for the ''real'' battle! Alright! Infernape, Flamethrower!
:'''Infernape''': ''[Launching Flamethrower]'' Innn...FERNAPE! 
:'''Paul''': Infernape's more powerful than ever, so heads-up! ''Thunder''!
:'''Electivire''': ''[releasing Thunder]'' Electi...vire! 
:[resisting Flamethrower] Vire!
:''[The two attacks explode on impact, leaving the battlefield in dust.]''
:'''Ash''': Mach Punch, go!
:'''Infernape''': In...fernape! ''[quickly lands a blow on Electivire with said attack]''
:'''Electivire''': E...vire! ''[is sent flying from Infernape's Mach Punch, but is able to land on its feet.]''
:'''Ash and Paul''': Let's finish this!
:'''Paul''': Use Thunder Punch!
:'''Electivire''': ''[charging towards Infernape with Thunder Punch]'' Elec-ec-ec-ec-ec!
:'''Ash''': Flare Blitz, GO!
:'''Infernape''': Innn...fernnn...aaaAAPE!! ''[charges up, then hurtles toward Electivire with Flare Blitz]''
:'''Electivire''': [unleashing Thunder Punch]'' Electi... 
:''[The two attacks collide, forming a powerful tornado that is visible outside the stadium, with Ash holding his ground and Paul standing still on either side of it.]''
:'''Infernape''': In...FERN...AAAAPE!![In the midst of a split-screen struggle between the two attacks, Infernape breaks the fourth wall and overpowers Electivire, causing the tornado to surge and strengthen.]''
:''[Infernape appears behind Electivire, having dealt a devastating blow to Electivire.]''
:'''Infernape''': ''[taking recoil damage from Flare Blitz]'' Infernape...
:'''Electivire''': ''[exploding from the force of Flare Blitz]'' Vire!
:''[Electivire's eye lights up within the smoke.]''
:Electi. Electivire.
:'''Infernape''': Infernape! ''[Turns around and meets its opponent in a staredown.]''
:''[Infernape &amp; Ash and Electivire &amp; Paul stare at each other in a moment of extreme tension in which the winner of their battle is decided. A heartbeat can be heard.]''
:'''Electivire''': Vire... [Succumbs to its damage, fainting.]
:'''Referee''': Electivire is unable to battle! Infernape wins! Which means the victory goes to Ash of Pallet Town!
:'''Ash''': ALRIGHT!!
:'''Announcer''': And that's all she wrote! After a fantastically fierce full 6-on-6 battle, the winner of today's attack fest is Ash!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' ''[recalling his Electivire]'' Thank you. Good battle, Electivire. Hm?
:'''Infernape''': Infernape!
:'''Paul''': Well...huh? ''[Infernape collapses but luckily Ash manages to catch him]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At Veilstone City, Reggie talks to his own Staraptor and Swalot, along with Paul's Torterra, Honchkrow, Weavile and Ursaring]''
:'''Reggie''': I'm sorry, but Paul lost. ''[The Pokemon all groan in sadness]'' But you know the battle will just make Paul stronger still. As soon as Paul gets back, then we'll have a battle. ''[The Pokemon all cheer in happiness]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Infernape's gotten a lot stronger.
:'''Ash:''' Yeah, sure has, Paul. Are you going?
:'''Paul:''' I lost, Ash, didn't I? So there's no reason to stay. I'm going to go back to Snowpoint City and request another battle with Brandon.
:'''Ash:''' Got ya. Good luck, Paul.
:'''Paul:''' Yeah...thanks, you too.
:'''Cynthia''': Paul...and Ash. Someday soon, they'll both be entering the Champion League and how I look forward to that day. 
:''[Just then the boat rings signalling that it is about to leave]''
:'''Paul''': So...I'll see you. ''[walks away saddened that karma had finally caught up to him]''
:'''Ash''': One more thing, Paul! Let's battle again real soon! 
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! (Take care, Paul!)
:''[Paul is shocked by the proposal but has a warm friendly smile. He waves goodbye to Ash in a friendly matter without looking back, finally acknowledging Ash as a worthy trainer]''

== The Semi-Final Frontier ==
:'''Tobias''': ''[after recalling Darkrai, who finally lost for once]'' You have definitely proved you earned your spot in the semi-final round. To think I'm using my second Pokémon right here in this Poké Ball. LET'S GO! ''[Seconds later, Tobias summons...a Latios?!?]''

== The Brockster is In ==
:'''James''': Bingo!  My favorite bling!
:'''Jessie''': [''laughs''] Is it gold? Silver? Platinum?
:'''Meowth''': Rubies or sapphires? Although diamonds and pearls rock too!
:'''James''': It's not quite that black and white.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': Hey, that's my bottlecap!
:'''Jessie''': You may have lost a bottlecap but you've gained your life!
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, word up.
:'''James''': That was...my life.

== Memories are Made of Bliss ==
==External  link==
{{Wikipedia}}
:
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <parentid>3153460</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:43:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>69.119.146.76</ip>
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      <comment>/* Battling a Thaw in Relations! */</comment>
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      <text bytes="17978" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl: Sinnoh League Victors, (advertised as Pokémon: DP Sinnoh League Victors) aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the thirteenth season of the Pokémon animated series, concluding the continuing adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he continues to travel Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Regaining the Home Advantage ==

== Short and to the Punch ==

== A Marathon Rivalry ==

== Yes, in Dee-Dee It's Dawn ==

== Playing the Performance Encore ==

== Fighting Ire with Fire ==

== Piplup, Up and Away ==

== Flint Sparks the Fire ==
:'''Volkner''': Yes an electrifying one.

== The Fleeing Tower of Sunyshore ==
:''[Grotle uses Tackle and sends Carnivine and Seviper flying backwards, but the two refuse to back down.]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle, awesome! Next, follow up with Razor Leaf! Let's go!
:'''Grotle''': Grotle! Grooo...''[As it is about to execute the attack, it begins to glow!]''
:'''Ash''': Grotle!
:'''Volkner''': Grotle's evolving.
:''[Seconds later, Ash's Grotle evolves into Torterra]''
:'''Torterra''': Torterra!

== Teaching the Student Teacher ==

== Keeping in Top Form ==

== Pokémon Ranger: Heatran Rescue ==

== An Elite Coverup ==

== Dawn of a Royal Day ==

== With the Easiest of Grace ==
:'''Dawn''': Togekiss has just protected Piplup!
:'''Piplup''': Lup? [Really?]
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-toss! [Style! For shame!]
:''[Togekiss walks over to Gible]''
:'''Togekiss''': Ki-Tos Tos? Ki Tos Tos Tos? [Is Piplup really a friend of yours? If so, why are you causing him harm with that Draco Meteor?]

== Dealing with a Fierce Double Ditto Drama ==
:'''Dawn''': Ash Ketchum! The least you two could do is train elsewhere if you're going to use Gible's Draco Meteor!

== Last Call, First Round ==

== Opposites Interact ==

== Coming Full Festival Circle ==

== A Grand Fight for Winning ==

== For the Love of Meowth ==

== The Eighth Wonder of the Sinnoh World ==
:'''Volkner''': Well, this is it. Whether I lose or win, this battle it's sad that this will be our last battle.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Flint''': That's got to be Blaze, Infernape's ability.

== Four Roads Diverged in a Pokémon Port ==
:''[Buizel loses to Kenny's Empoleon]''
:'''Brock''': Buizel's unable to battle! The winner is Empoleon and the victory goes to Kenny! ''[Note: Many fans often claim that Ash's Buizel is a strong unevolved Pokémon that does not need evolution. However, Buizel was obviously put out of focus in favor of Infernape, hence why it failed against Empoleon and did not get enough character development.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kenny arrives at the lighthouse waiting for Dawn to arrive. Instead, there's only a note]''
:'''Kenny''': Dear Kenny...
:'''Dawn''': ''[in the letter]'' About my future plans, for the time being, I've decided to go with Ash and cheer him on at the Sinnoh League. I'll have to think about what I'm doing after that. And only I can figure that out. But I can guarantee you one thing for sure: No matter what else happens, I'm going to keep on working toward my dream of becoming Top Coordinator. And as long as we share the same dream, Kenny, I'm certain we'll meet again. Count on it!

== Bucking the Treasure Trend ==

== An Old Family Blend ==

== League Unleashed ==

== Casting a Paul on a Barry ==

== Working on a Right Move ==
:'''Brock''': Instead of using Flame Wheel, Infernape powered up by learning Flare Blitz. That was great!
:'''Ash''': Thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Barry''': So you're training hard to beat Paul, aren't you?
:'''Ash''': Yeah, but I've gotta defeat Conway first.
:'''Barry''': Right!  I forgot. So this is your Pokémon team for today. ''[Ash's Infernape, Torterra and Glalie are shown]'' You're going for pure power with those three.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''When Ash sends in Noctowl'']
:'''Barry''': Brock! Ash's Noctowl is a different shiny color!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after Ash has sent in Gible'']
:'''Conway''': I didn't think it had mastered Draco Meteor yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash:''' Gible, watch out for that tongue!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Dusknoir is about to defeat Donphan]''
:'''Conway:''' Hmm... it's the end of the line, Ash! ''[to Dusknoir]'' Shadow Punch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ash defeated Conway]''
:'''Conway''': This has got to be the least calculated battle I've ever seen.  At least a new battle equation has been inputted into my database.  Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after the battles for the quarter-finals have been chosen]''
:'''Dawn''': Ash against Paul.
:'''Barry''': IT'S ABOUT TIME! Ash and Paul are finally going to battle it out!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': And Gible gets today’s gallantry award. Eat all you want.
:'''Gible''': ''[eating]'' Gible.
:'''Dawn''': Now that Gible has mastered Draco Meteor, I’m sure Piplup will be able to rest easier. Am I right?
:'''Piplup''': ''[happy]'' Piplup!
:'''Ash''': ''[overseeing his Pokémon]'' Thanks a lot, Gible, Noctowl and Donphan. I’ll work hard in round 4. And that’s a promise!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu!
:''[Paul and his Electivire approach]''
:'''Barry''': It’s Paul!
:'''Ash''': Hey, Paul. So, are you fine-tuning your Pokémon?
:'''Paul''': Yeah.
:'''Electivire''': Electivire!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Cynthia''': ''[overseeing the two trainers]'' It’s Paul vs. Ash. I’m really looking forward to their battle.
:'''Narrator''': ''[v.o.]'' And so, Ash advances to round 4: the quarter-finals, where our battle with Paul promises some red-hot excitement, so stay tuned for two longtime rivals going at it head to head.
:''[Cut after sunset]''
:'''Ash''': I got Buizel, Professor.
:'''Oak''': Good. Noctowl and the others are all in good hands. So, waiting for your third Pokémon for tomorrow?
:'''Ash''': Right. It should be here any minute now.
:''[Dawn enters the Pokémon Center]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip, Piplup!
:'''Dawn''': Hey, Ash, it's here!
:'''Ash''': Really?!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:''[Dawn and Ash head outside the Pokémon Center, where Brock is waiting for them]''
:'''Brock''': Ash, ''[points at something off-screen]'' look!
:''[Dawn and Ash look up and notice a familiar shadow heading for them, much to Ash's and Pikachu's delight]''
:'''Ash''': I've been waiting. Gliscor!
:'''Gliscor''': ''[eagerly licks her lips]'' Gli.

== Familiarity Breeds Strategy ==
:'''Ash''': Awesome, huh? Gliscor learned a lot from battling the Air Battle Master. ''[petting Gliscor]'' Training with him was a really good thing for you, wasn’t it?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[licks his lips]'' Gliscor, Gli! ''[glomps Ash]''

== A Real Rival Rouser! ==
:'''Meowth''': A toxic rerun!
:'''Jessie''': And I hate reruns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul''': I purposely let you take out Aggron and Gastrodon so I could be certain of your strategy and exactly which Pokémon you'd use.
:'''Ash''': Purposely?
:'''Paul''': ''[as he recalls Drapion]'' Ever since I brought out Drapion, I've been able to predict every one of your moves.
:''[Ash gives a rude smirk to Paul, much to Paul's confusion]''
:'''Ash''': ''[As Ash readies Gliscor]'' Paul, there's nobody like you. That's why I'm going to win this.
:'''Paul''': ''[Readies Ninjask]'' It's the other way around. I'm leaving you way behind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Ninjask is using Agility, combined with Speed Boost, leaving Gliscor perplexed]''
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, just relax and use Stone Edge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Infernape used Flare Blitz from underground to expel Drapion’s Toxic Spikes]''
:'''Ash''': Well Paul, that takes care of your Toxic Spikes.
:'''Paul''': It was a pretty clever move, Ash.
:'''Ash''': Bring it on!
:'''Paul''': Giga Drain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ninjask is using Giga Drain on Infernape]''
:'''Barry''': It looks to me like Ninjask's not able to use Speed Boost anymore.
:'''Dawn''': It's slower alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul bitterly recalls Ninjask. Guess he should have improved Ninjask rather than focusing more on Honchkrow.]''
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape's Mach Punch puts an end to Ninjask's speedy spinning. And now both sides just have three Pokemon remaining, turning this bout into a serious battle of strategies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Wow! Those two did it!
:'''Barry''': ''[sighs in relief]'' I was worried for a while. Good thing Pikachu’s awesomely strong!
:'''Brock''': But Paul still has two Pokémon left. And one of them hasn’t even battled yet. Ash’s Pokémon all have taken damage, and that can only mean one thing: ''[cue Pikachu panting out of exhaustion]'' Ash is still operating at a disadvantage.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Pikachu defeated Froslass, much to Team Rocket’s relief]''
:'''James''': I need to take a nap. Tussling twerps exhaust me.
:'''Jessie''': I’d take a pause for the cause. ''[opens a can of soda and drinks it]''
:'''James and Meowth''': Stop, Jess!
:'''Jessie''': ''[screams]'' I'm a profit guzzler!
:'''Meowth''': Well, since we know you, we'll recharge ya triple.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[[As soon as Gliscor is sent out, it briefly loses balance, wincing in pain]''
:'''Announcer''': Gliscor looks a bit shaken, obviously reeling from the previous bout with Ninjask.
:'''Ash''': Gliscor, let’s see what you’ve learned from your training with the Air Battle Master! You ready?
:'''Gliscor''': ''[nods]'' Gliscor!
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' I know Drapion’s battling style by now, and the only one who can turn the tables on Paul is Gliscor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Gliscor lands a Giga Impact on Drapion and performed a mid-air somersault, much to Ash’s and Team Rocket’s amazement, and the confusion of Paul and his Drapion]''
:'''Dawn''': Now ''that's'' the way to be in an air battle!
:'''Barry''': Yeah! Gliscor's training is really paying off!
:'''Brock''': Right! And you can thank the Air Battle Master! ''[v.o.]'' Now Gliscor's safe even after not being able to move right after using Giga Impact!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Well done. That Stone Edge got my attention alright. So...PIN MISSILE!

== Battling a Thaw in Relations! ==
:''[After Paul sent in Electivire]''
:'''Ash''': ''[thinking]'' Electric-type moves have no effect on Gliscor, but still...
:'''Gliscor''': ''[turns to Ash]'' Gliscor Gli Gliscor.
:'''Ash''': But, Gliscor... ''[short pause]'' 'Kay, you've got yourself a deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Infernape falls to the ground after taking a brutal Thunder attack from Electivire.]
:'''Announcer''': Infernape is down!
:'''James''': It can't be...
:'''Jessie''': Come ''on'', Infernape! Show us some of that fighting spirit!
:'''Meowth''': You've never trown in the towel with anything you've ever done, so don't start throwing it ''now''!
:'''Wobbuffet''': ''[clamoring]'' WOB-BUFFET!!
:'''Dawn''': Poor Infernape...
:'''Piplup''': [teary-eyed] Lup...
:''[Reggie and Cynthia watch over Infernape, wondering if the Flame Pokémon, and Ash for that matter, is really eliminated.]''
:'''Referee''': Infernape's unable to-- huh?
:'''Electivire''': ''[to the referee]'' Vire! 
:''[Infernape starts to help itself to its feet.]''
:'''Referee''': Oh!
:''[Infernape stares angrily through blurry eyes at Electivire, who motions for Infernape to stand up.]
:'''Electivire''': Electi! Electivire! [Get up, Infernape! I want this battle to be done properly!]
:'''Paul''': ''[disappointed]'' So I guess that's the best you can do then? You're pathetic, just like always.
:'''Infernape''': Fern...ape! ''[It's eyes open up with a renewed drive to claim victory over Electivire and Paul.]''
:'''Ash''': 'Fraid not.
:'''Paul''': Huh?!
:'''Cynthia and Reggie''': Ohh!
:'''Ash''': Alright! Infernape, time to show Paul just how strong you are!
:'''Infernape''': ''[As Blaze activates]'' Innnn...feerrrrn...AAAAAAPE!!! AAAAAAPE! [PATHETIC?!]
:'''Ash''': Yes!
:'''Announcer''': And Infernape is back with a vengeance...
:'''Paul''': Hmph!
:'''Announcer''': ...showing the entire stadium incredible will and fighting spirit!
:''[The effects of Infernape's Blaze radiate upward from the battlefield, and can be seen from outside the stadium.]''
:'''Barry''': It's Blaze!
:'''Brock''': Reaching the absolute limits of Infernape's endurance has actually brought out its greatest strength!
:'''Dawn''': But with all of the damage Infernape's taken, they better finish this up, quickly!
:'''Piplup''': [cheering Infernape on] Pip... PIPLUP! PIPLUP!
:'''Team Rocket''': ''[cheering]'' Infernape's up, so are we! A happier team you'll never see! Help that twerp make the bad guy drool and slurp!
:'''Reggie''': So this is what Ash was going for all along!
:'''Ash''': Time for the ''real'' battle! Alright! Infernape, Flamethrower!
:'''Infernape''': ''[Launching Flamethrower]'' Innn...FERNAPE! 
:'''Paul''': Infernape's more powerful than ever, so heads-up! ''Thunder''!
:'''Electivire''': ''[releasing Thunder]'' Electi...vire! 
:[resisting Flamethrower] Vire!
:''[The two attacks explode on impact, leaving the battlefield in dust.]''
:'''Ash''': Mach Punch, go!
:'''Infernape''': In...fernape! ''[quickly lands a blow on Electivire with said attack]''
:'''Electivire''': E...vire! ''[is sent flying from Infernape's Mach Punch, but is able to land on its feet.]''
:'''Ash and Paul''': Let's finish this!
:'''Paul''': Use Thunder Punch!
:'''Electivire''': ''[charging towards Infernape with Thunder Punch]'' Elec-ec-ec-ec-ec!
:'''Ash''': Flare Blitz, GO!
:'''Infernape''': Innn...fernnn...aaaAAPE!! ''[charges up, then hurtles toward Electivire with Flare Blitz]''
:'''Electivire''': [unleashing Thunder Punch]'' Electi... 
:''[The two attacks collide, forming a powerful tornado that is visible outside the stadium, with Ash holding his ground and Paul standing still on either side of it.]''
:'''Infernape''': In...FERN...AAAAPE!![In the midst of a split-screen struggle between the two attacks, Infernape breaks the fourth wall and overpowers Electivire, causing the tornado to surge and strengthen.]''
:''[Infernape appears behind Electivire, having dealt a devastating blow to Electivire.]''
:'''Infernape''': ''[taking recoil damage from Flare Blitz]'' Infernape...
:'''Electivire''': ''[exploding from the force of Flare Blitz]'' Vire!
:''[Electivire's eye lights up within the smoke.]''
:Electi. Electivire.
:'''Infernape''': Infernape! ''[Turns around and meets its opponent in a staredown.]''
:''[Infernape &amp; Ash and Electivire &amp; Paul stare at each other in a moment of extreme tension in which the winner of their battle is decided. A heartbeat can be heard.]''
:'''Electivire''': Vire... ''[Succumbs to its damage, fainting.]''
:'''Referee''': Electivire is unable to battle! Infernape wins! Which means the victory goes to Ash of Pallet Town!
:'''Ash''': ALRIGHT!!
:'''Announcer''': And that's all she wrote! After a fantastically fierce full 6-on-6 battle, the winner of today's attack fest is Ash!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' ''[recalling his Electivire]'' Thank you. Good battle, Electivire. Hm?
:'''Infernape''': Infernape!
:'''Paul''': Well...huh? ''[Infernape collapses but luckily Ash manages to catch him]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At Veilstone City, Reggie talks to his own Staraptor and Swalot, along with Paul's Torterra, Honchkrow, Weavile and Ursaring]''
:'''Reggie''': I'm sorry, but Paul lost. ''[The Pokemon all groan in sadness]'' But you know the battle will just make Paul stronger still. As soon as Paul gets back, then we'll have a battle. ''[The Pokemon all cheer in happiness]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul:''' Infernape's gotten a lot stronger.
:'''Ash:''' Yeah, sure has, Paul. Are you going?
:'''Paul:''' I lost, Ash, didn't I? So there's no reason to stay. I'm going to go back to Snowpoint City and request another battle with Brandon.
:'''Ash:''' Got ya. Good luck, Paul.
:'''Paul:''' Yeah...thanks, you too.
:'''Cynthia''': Paul...and Ash. Someday soon, they'll both be entering the Champion League and how I look forward to that day. 
:''[Just then the boat rings signalling that it is about to leave]''
:'''Paul''': So...I'll see you. ''[walks away saddened that karma had finally caught up to him]''
:'''Ash''': One more thing, Paul! Let's battle again real soon! 
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! (Take care, Paul!)
:''[Paul is shocked by the proposal but has a warm friendly smile. He waves goodbye to Ash in a friendly matter without looking back, finally acknowledging Ash as a worthy trainer]''

== The Semi-Final Frontier ==
:'''Tobias''': ''[after recalling Darkrai, who finally lost for once]'' You have definitely proved you earned your spot in the semi-final round. To think I'm using my second Pokémon right here in this Poké Ball. LET'S GO! ''[Seconds later, Tobias summons...a Latios?!?]''

== The Brockster is In ==
:'''James''': Bingo!  My favorite bling!
:'''Jessie''': [''laughs''] Is it gold? Silver? Platinum?
:'''Meowth''': Rubies or sapphires? Although diamonds and pearls rock too!
:'''James''': It's not quite that black and white.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': Hey, that's my bottlecap!
:'''Jessie''': You may have lost a bottlecap but you've gained your life!
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, word up.
:'''James''': That was...my life.

== Memories are Made of Bliss ==
==External  link==
{{Wikipedia}}
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    <title>Pokémon/Season 1</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:20:55Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="16143" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokémon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
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&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in '''''Pokémon: Indigo League''''', the first season of the Pokémon animated series (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā?, Pocket Monsters), covering the adventures of the series protagonist Ash Ketchum and his friends Pikachu, Misty, and Brock on the way to the Indigo Plateau.

== Pokémon: I Choose You! ==
:'''Ash''': Hey! Get outta there! Agh...
:''[Rattata runs away from his backpack]''
:'''Pokédex''': A forest Pokémon: Rattata. It likes cheese, nuts, fruits, and berries.
:'''Ash''': Yeah, but this isn't a forest. It's an open field!
:'''Pokédex''': It also comes out into open fields to steal food from ''stupid'' travelers.
:'''Ash''': That means I-I'm stupid?

== Pokémon Emergency ==
:'''Officer Jenny''': I left my motorcycle parked at the front desk!
:'''Nurse Joy''': Next time, use the driveway.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Professor Oak''': When my grandson Gary said that you wouldn't have a single new Pokémon by the time you got to Viridian City, I bet him $1,000,000 that he'd be wrong!
:'''Ash''': ''[surprised]'' Well, money isn't everything, right?
:'''Professor Oak''': ''[dejected]'' Oh, why do I even bother?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Misty confronts Ash at the Pokémon Center with her burnt bicycle]''
:'''Misty''': I knew I'd find you here!
:'''Ash''': ''[seeing that her bike is destroyed]'' Hey, what happened to your bike?!
:'''Misty''': What happened to my bike?! ''You'' happened to my bike, you little loser! This is what's left after you stole it to save your Pokémon!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ash, Misty, and Nurse Joy have their line of sights impaired by a Koffing's Smokescreen attack.]''
:'''Ash''': What are... who are they?!
:'''Jessie''': Don't be frightened, little boy.
:'''James''': Allow us to introduce ourselves.
:'' [A teenage girl and boy emerge from the smoke.]''
:'''Jessie''': To protect the world from devastation.
:'''James''': To unite all peoples within our nation.
:'''Jessie''': To denounce the evils of truth and love!
:'''James''': To extend our reach to the stars above.
:'''Jessie''': Jessie!
:'''James''': James.
:'''Jessie''': Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!
:'''James''': Surrender now or prepare to fight!
:'''Meowth''':''[appearing from the top of the screen]'' Meowth! That's right~!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': You grab Pikachu and get out of here! I'll take care of these three clowns.
:'''Jessie''': That's pretty big talk coming from such a little lady.
:'''Misty''': At least you're right about the pretty part, thanks for the compliment.
:'''James''': The girl thinks she's pretty.
:'''Jessie''': I agree with her. I think she's pretty, too. Pretty pathetic!
:'''Misty''': Hmmmm, I'll show you! Poké Ball, go!
:''[Goldeen comes out rolling and jumping on the floor, to Jessie and James' shock]''
:'''Misty''': Goldeen, return!
:'''Jessie''': That's her best shot?
:'''James''': She's all washed up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Officer Jenny''': Too late, but not for the fireworks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': That Pikachu is no ordinary Pikachu.
:'''James''': It's certainly very rare. A perfect prize!
:'''Jessie''': Let's catch it!
:'''Meowth''': Perhaps, we will.
:''[All three scream as their popped balloon is sent hurtling through the night.]''

== Ash Catches a Pokémon ==
:'''Ash''': ''[hugging his Poké-Ball]'' I love my new little Pokémon!
:'''Misty''': I guess it takes a worm to love a worm.
:'''Ash''': [''sarcastically''] Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': ''[about Caterpie]'' It's so gross. ''[scared]'' Ash, put that slimy thing back in the Poké-Ball! Bugs are one of the three most disgusting things in the world!
:'''Ash''': Aside from you, what are the other disgusting things?
:'''Misty''': Very funny. Carrots, peppers, and bugs. Everybody has something they don't like and I don't like bugs!
:'''Ash''': Well, yeah, I like carrots, and peppers, and bugs. What I ''don't'' like is the way you're hurting Caterpie's feelings with your silly fear of bugs.
:'''Misty''': ''[dismissively]'' Hmph!

== Challenge of the Samurai ==
:[''Misty screams'']
:'''Ash''': What's wrong now?
:'''Misty''': I saw another bug. Gross!
:[''Pikachu and Ash sigh'']
:'''Ash''': Maybe its a Cow-terpie!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''James''': Do you have any more bright ideas?
:'''Jessie''': Well, unlike you at least I have ideas!
:'''Meowth''': Yeah, and they're all bad.
:'''Jessie''': WHO ASKED YOU?!

== Showdown in Pewter City ==
:'''Ash''': My conscience is holding me back! I can't bring myself to beat Brock! I'm imagining his little brothers and sisters stopping me from beating the one person they love!
:'''Misty''': Uh, Ash, I think you better you open your eyes!

== Clefairy and the Moon Stone ==
:'''Jessie''': Well, it looks like Team Rocket is....
:'''James''': Blasting off again!
:'''Meowth''':  That was the Metronome!
:'''Jessie''': I give it two thumbs down!
:'''James''': Me too!
:'''Meowth''': Meowth three!

== The Water Flowers of Cerulean City ==
:'''James''': The coast is clear.
:'''Jessie''': Nothing to fear.
:'''Meowth''': Nobody here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': Oh no! Staryu looks like it's in real pain!
:'''Ash''': It doesn't even have a face. How can you tell?
:'''Misty''': Because I'm sensitive to other's feelings! That's how!
:'''Ash''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah? Like I'm not?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': Misty, you're not gonna be a sore loser, aren't you?
:'''Misty''': I didn't lose anything! It was just a draw!
:'''Ash''': Well, I'm the one who won the badge!
:'''Misty''': You know you lost with Butterfree!
:'''Ash''': That was just round 1. I made a great comeback!
:'''Misty''': If Team Rocket hadn't busted in, I would've destroyed you!
:'''Ash''': You're lucky they've showed up. You were about to lose!
:'''Misty''': Lose?! I was just getting started!
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah?!
:'''Misty''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Brock''': Oh, brother!

== The School of Hard Knocks==
:'''Misty''': All that crunching is ruining my romantic daydreams!

== Charmander - The Stray Pokémon ==
:'''Misty''': I just can't go one step further. We've been looking for Vermilion City for 10 whole days!

== Here Comes the Squirtle Squad ==
:'''Misty''': It's Meowth!
:'''Ash''': Meowth?!

== Electric Shock Showdown ==
:'''Ash''': Use the strategy we planned, Pikachu! You can do it!
:'''Surge''': A strategy? So they've planned a new way to lose!

== Battle Aboard the St. Anne ==
:'''James''': Wait! There goes my next paycheck!
:'''Jessie''': Who cares about your paycheck? What about mine?!
:'''Meowth''': We gotta get out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Captain''': May I have your attention? Anyone who didn't leave the ship safely, please say &quot;Aye.&quot; Good. Well done. Everyone's safe then.

== Pokémon Shipwreck ==
:'''James''': Jessica? 
:'''Jessie''': Yes, James?
:'''James''': Whoever said beauty doesn't last must've been thinking of us!
:'''Jessie''': I'll always remember what a wonderful dresser you were! 
:'''James''': So will I!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Dimwit! If you're the master, don't act like you're scared of it!
:'''James''': I am scared!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': Now you've done it! Magikarp has evolved into a Gyarados!

== Island of the Giant Pokémon ==
:'' [All Pokémon are speaking in Pokémon language, with English subtitles translating their speech.]
:'''Squirtle''': Maybe they got eaten by wild Pokémon. ''[makes a scary face with razor-sharp teeth, making a chomping motion]''
:'''Pikachu''': Don't say things like that!
:'''Charmander''': Yeah, cut it out!
:'''Squirtle''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''after a giant Venusaur is spotted'']
:'''Squirtle''': [''to Bulbasaur''] You go and speak to it, you guys are like family!
:'''Bulbasaur''': No way. I have no family. Consider me an orphan.
:'''Charmander''': Good point.
:'''Squirtle''': Coward.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Giovanni''': What?! Pokémon Land has been totally destroyed?! ''[growls]'' I spent millions on that place!

== Beauty and the Beach ==
:'''Prof. Oak''': Your mother's been worried about you, Ash. She says she still thinks of you as her little pumpkin.
:'''Ash''': That makes me sound like a baby.
:'''Delia''': You'll ''always'' be my baby, won't you?
:'''Ash''': Yeah.
:'''Delia''': Well, I just hope you aren't eating a lot of junk food and getting into any trouble.
:'''Ash''': Of course not!
:''[he suddenly remembers his boat accident]''
:'''Ash''': At least not a lotta trouble.
:'''Delia''': What's that mean?
:'''Moe''': ''I'm'' the one who got into trouble, Mrs. Ketchum. Ash helped out at my restaurant when I really needed help. But even more importantly, your son has been a great inspiration to me.
:'''Delia''': That's wonderful! What a relief.
:'''Ash''': Thanks, Moe.

== The Ghost of Maiden's Peak ==
:'''Misty''': Then how about this!
:'''Gastly''': What's that?
:'''Misty''': It's a cross! I've also got garlic, a stake, and a hammer!
:'''Gastly''': ...What do I look like, a vampire or something?

== The Tower of Terror ==
:'''Ash''': ''[after frightening his group with a mask]'' Sorry, guys! I was just testing you. If we're gonna try to catch a Ghost Pokémon, we gotta learn to deal with fear. That's the only way we can become great Pokémon trainers.
:'''Misty''': You must be crazy!
:'''Brock''': Don't ever do that!

== Haunter vs Kadabra ==
:'''James''': With a flick of this fishing net, we'll round up Pikachu.
:'''Meowth''': You mean that's your secret weapon?!
:'''James''': It takes a genius to realize a fishing net is the perfect weapon!
:'''Jessie''': Oh, James, it's the greatest discovery since Einstein invented the light bulb!
:'''Jessie and James''': ''[sing and dance]'' Even greater than the chicken who invented the egg!
:''[the egg falls on them]''
:'''James''': All of us true geniuses know, of course, that it was actually the egg that preceded the chicken.
:'''Jessie''': Of course. I knew that. I had just forgotten.
:'''Meowth''': Now you got my brain scrambled! Let's cut the egg-splanations and capture Pikachu!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Hello, up there! Anyone!! We're trapped down here!!!
:'''James''': Stop pouring cement!
:'''Meowth''': Get me out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': A little cement....
:'''James''': Will never stop Team Rocket.
:'''Meowth''': A little cement....

== Primeape Goes Bananas ==
:'''Professor Oak''': I can't write a good poem without rhymes, and you can't be a good Pokémon trainer without catching more Pokémon.

== Pokémon Scent-sation ==
:'''Erika''': P for Pretty, E for Elegant, R for Radiant, F for Fun, U for Urbane, M for Mysterious, E for Energy, and that spells...
:'''Misty''': Perfume!
:'''Brock''': Right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The three employees angrily confront Ash for his rude remarks about the perfume]''
:'''Employee 1''': YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!
:'''Employee 2''': YOU INSENSITIVE LITTLE WORM!
:'''Ash''': What did I say?
:''[The purple-haired employee kicks Ash out of the store]''
:'''Employee 3''': GET OUT! AND DON'T COME BACK!
:'''Ash''': I don't wanna come back!! I'm on my way to the Celadon Gym!

== Pokémon Fashion Flash ==
:'''Narrator''': So long, Salon Roquet!

== The Punchy Pokémon ==
:'''Meowth''': Honey baked ham! Roast leg of lamb!! Strawberry jam!!!
:'''James''': Sirloin steaks! Chocolate cakes!!
:'''Jessie''': Can't you numbskulls think of anything but food?!

== Sparks Fly For Magnemite ==
:'''Ash''': Gee, that Magnemite is following Pikachu around like some sort of streaker.
:'''Brock''': Um, Ash, you mean 'stalker'.

== Dig Those Diglett ==
:'''James''': Some principle of induced evolution.
:'''Jessie''': ''[reads a manual]'' It says here that Pokémon need to accumulate a certain amount of experience points before they can successfully evolve.
:'''James''': ''[depressed]'' ''Our'' experience is nothing but losing.

== The Ninja Poké-Showdown ==
:'''Aya''': Born in darkness, living in darkness, such is the fate of the ninja. I am Aya, ninja warrior!
:'''Misty''': ''[about Aya's uniform color]'' But don't you think that color is a little bright for a ninja?
:'''Aya''': I don't need your fashion report!

== The Flame Pokémon-athon! ==
:'''Dario''': ''[growls]'' You're the reason I didn't win the Pokémon challenge! Team Rocket's the worst!!
:'''Jessie''':  We'll just have to plan better next year.
:'''James''': And maybe you can get some nicer riding clothes.
:'''Meowth''': And give that smelly bird a bath.

== The Bridge Bike Gang ==
''[Ash, Misty and Brock finds out Jessie and James used to belong to a bike gang]''
:'''James''': I guess our secret past is not a secret anymore.
:'''Ash''': I kind of wish it still was!

== Ditto's Mysterious Mansion ==
:'''James''': Will you stop it, Meowth?!
:'''Jessie''': The only way we can get out of this mess is to dress you up like a Dratini and present you to the boss.
:'''Meowth''': Pea-brains! This won't work!!

== Pikachu's Goodbye ==
:'''Meowth''': It's a Pika-Palooza!
:'''Jessie''': We're at the Pika of our powers.
:'''James''': Chu can say that again, Jess!

== The Battling Eevee Brothers ==
:'''Misty''': Stop that!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': Well, it's back to eating lunch for losers.
:'''James''': Victory tasted a lot better.

== Showdown at Dark City ==
:'''Jessie''': Well, that was a complete waste of time.
:'''James''': Looks like we're through.
:'''Meowth''': ''[notices Electabuzz and Scyther charging at them]'' Huh? Unfortunately, we're not quite through yet.
:'''Jessie and James''': Huh?
:'''Scyther''': Scyther!
:'''Electabuzz''': Blblblblblblbl!
:'''Team Rocket''': AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
:'''James''': Somebody....
:'''Team Rocket''': HELP!!!!

== The Problem with Paras ==
:'''Jessie''': Well, there goes our billions.
:'''James''': And zillions.
:'''Meowth''': I'm a hero, but I got zero!

== Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon ==
:[''Gary is digging for fossils and stumbles upon one'']
:'''Gary''': Success! My first Pokémon fossil!
:'''Fan Girls''': Yay! Gary, Gary, he's the best! Found a fossil before the rest! Go, Gary!
:[''an expert comes over, takes the fossil out of Gary's hands and examines it'']
:'''Gary''': Impressive, isn't it? Found it on my first try. Looks like a brain from an extinct Pokémon.
:'''Expert''': This is-
:'''Gary''': [''hopeful''] A brain?
:'''Expert''': It's fossilized Pokémon manure. [''Gary collapses in shock'']
:'''Fan Girls''': Ewwwwww. Yuck! Gross!

== Holy Matrimony! ==
:'''Brock''': I can't believe James is gone!
:'''Ash''': I miss him!
:'''Misty''': Grrrr... JAMES IS STANDING RIGHT HERE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ash''': WOAH! Look at that!
:'''Misty''': It's huge!
:'''Brock''': I've seen shopping malls smaller than this place!
:'''Misty''': It must have a hundred rooms!
:'''Ash''': It's the biggest mansion I've ever seen!
:'''Hopkins (the butler at James' family's mansion)''': This is not the mansion! This little dog house is for Growlie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': ''[sighs]'' I guess all of that money and luxury was just too tempting for James to give up.

== The Ultimate Test ==
:'''Narrator''': There seems to be a little mix-up!

== The Breeding Center Secret ==
:'''Jessie''': James! Watch where you're throwing that dirt!
:'''James''': Watch?! I can't see the foot in front of my face!
:'''Meowth''': If you don't quit squawkin', you'll see the foot in front of your face! Mine!!!!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|List of Pokémon: Indigo League episodes}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
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    <title>Tina Turner</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:43:21Z</timestamp>
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        <username>FoolInLove</username>
        <id>1547041</id>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */ +quote</comment>
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      <text bytes="7998" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tina Turner 1970.jpg|thumb|Tina Turner in 1970]]

'''[[w:Tina Turner|Anna Mae Bullock]]''' (born [[November 26]], [[1939]]), known by her stage name '''Tina Turner''', is a singer, dancer, actress, and author, whose career has spanned more than half a century, earning her widespread recognition and numerous awards. Born and raised in the American South, she is now a Swiss citizen.

== Quotes ==
* As the first [[Black people|Black]] [[woman]] to fill a football stadium. That is a wish of mine. It hasn't been done. [[Janis Joplin]] did it for the White girls. I want to do it for the Blacks.
** Her answer to the question how she would like to be remembered, as cited in &quot;TINA TURNER Tells How She Made It To The Top Alone&quot;, ''[[w:Jet (magazine)|Jet]]'', 1 April 1985, p. 63–64

* If you are unhappy with anything—your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, your job, your boss, your car—whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true [[creativity]], your true self comes out.
** ''I, Tina: My Life Story'' (1986), p. 199

* Well, it was a church person in the early days, [[w:Mahalia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]]. And [[w:Rosetta Tharpe|Rosetta Tharpe]]. These spiritual, very strong voices. I only knew that they were figures in the black race, recognizable and respected. But I must admit, I've always covered the songs of males. I haven't followed up on women or listened to that much women's music.
** Her answer to a question about her first musical influences, as quoted by Mark Bego in &quot;Tina Turner: Break Every Rule&quot; (2005), p. 18

* I have a simple, childlike view of life, and I want to keep it. That's why I never got into that Beverly Hills world. So many pretentious people. They just aren't real.
** &quot;[https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/oprahs-interview-with-tina-turner/5 Oprah Talks to Tina Turner]&quot;, ''[[w:O, The Oprah Magazine|O, The Oprah Magazine]]'', May 2005

* I am strong. I lived through a divorce, separation from my family. I never let it break me down. I'm not an alcoholic. I've never smoked, I've never done drugs. I've floated through the disaster of my past clean. I arrived here undamaged.
** &quot;[http://www.express.co.uk/entertainment/music/141823/Tina-Turner-is-a-soul-survivor Tina Turner is a soul survivor]&quot;, ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]'', 22 November 2009

* After Margaret died, there was a lot of talk about God's will. Our community was deeply Baptist, after all, and that was a natural response to the sudden tragedy that killed her and a few other young people, including my half sister Evelyn (my mother's child from a previous relationship). (...) I couldn't verbalize my own vision of [[God]] then, as the vocabulary hadn't come to me yet. But from the youngest age I can recall, I knew I could experience &quot;Godliness&quot; in [[Mother Nature]]. Something told me I had a piece of God in my [[heart]], even if the traditional beliefs of my family and the way they practiced religion weren't right for me. I wished they practiced what they preached and lived more positive lives.
** ''[[w:Happiness Becomes You (book)|Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good]]'' (2020), p. 12

* At every moment, we always have a [[choice]], even if it feels as if we don't. Sometimes that choice may simply be to think a more positive thought.
** ''Happiness Becomes You'' (2020), p. 126

=== Lyrics ===
* When I think of [[soul music|soul]], I think of grease 'cause ain't nothin' no good without the grease.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;[[w:Respect (song)|Respect]]&quot;, live at Basin Street West, San Francisco, 22 February 1969, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT4PpnoPPqk&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=420 Video] on YouTube

* Sometimes I'm tossed and driven, [[Lord]],&lt;br&gt;Sometimes I don't know where to go.&lt;br&gt;My mother and father won't own me,&lt;br&gt;So I'll try to make [[heaven]] my home.
** &quot;I Am a Motherless Child&quot; on ''[[w:Outta Season|Outta Season]]'' (1969)

* We never, ever, do nothin' nice and easy. We always do it nice and rough.
** Spoken introduction to &quot;[[w:Proud Mary#Ike &amp; Tina Turner version|Proud Mary]]&quot; on ''[[w:Workin' Together|Workin' Together]]'' (1970)

* There are two sides to everybody,&lt;br&gt;A [[good]] side and a [[bad]],&lt;br&gt;A side to make you happy,&lt;br&gt;A side to make you mad.
** &quot;[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner song)|Feel Good]]&quot; on ''[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner album)|Feel Good]]'' (1972)

* A [[church]] house, gin house,&lt;br&gt;A [[school]] house, outhouse&lt;br&gt;On highway number nineteen,&lt;br&gt;The people keep the city [[clean]].
** &quot;[[w:Nutbush City Limits|Nutbush City Limits]]&quot; on ''[[w:Nutbush City Limits (album)|Nutbush City Limits]]'' (1973)

* Some of us are livin' in an earthly [[heaven]],&lt;br&gt;Lord, some of us are livin' in [[hell]].&lt;br&gt;Yeah, we're livin' in hell,&lt;br&gt;Right here.
** &quot;That's My Purpose&quot; on ''Nutbush City Limits'' (1973)

* [[King]] of the jungle,&lt;br&gt;The lion he roars,&lt;br&gt;But the lioness calmly&lt;br&gt;Soothes his [[soul]].
** &quot;Delilah's Power&quot; (first released in 1975 as &quot;Delila's Power&quot;) on ''[[w:Delilah's Power|Delilah's Power]]'' (1977)

* People often ask me when am I gonna slow down. You know what I tell 'em? I'm just gettin' started.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;Proud Mary&quot;, live at The Apollo, Manchester, 14 March 1979 (&quot;On the Road&quot;, VHS)

* What is life without a [[dream]] to hold?&lt;br&gt;Take my hand and never let me go!
** &quot;[[w:Cose della vita#Eros Ramazzotti and Tina Turner version|Cose della vita/Can't Stop Thinking Of You]]&quot; on ''[[w:Eros (Eros Ramazzotti album)|Eros]]'' (1997) by [[w:Eros Ramazotti|Eros Ramazotti]], English lyrics co-written with her guitarist James Ralston

* Beyond the [[power]] – you find the [[flower]].&lt;br&gt;Beyond the bound – you find new ground.
** &quot;Calling by Tina&quot; on ''[[w:Beyond (Swiss band)#2011–2013: Children – With Children United in Prayer|Children Beyond]]'' (2011)

== Quotes about Tina Turner ==
* She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timin' man.&lt;br&gt;She loves him in spite of his ways she don't understand.&lt;br&gt;With teardrops and laughter they pass through this world hand in hand,&lt;br&gt;A good-hearted woman, lovin' a good-timin' man.
** [[Waylon Jennings]], &quot;[[w:Good Hearted Woman (song)|Good Hearted Woman]]&quot; on ''[[w:Good Hearted Woman|Good Hearted Woman]]'' (1972), co-written with [[Willie Nelson]]
* Standing up there next to her was the hottest place in the universe.
** [[David Bowie]] on joining her onstage in Birmingham, England, during the final concert of her 1985 British tour, as quoted by Ben Cosgrove in &quot;[https://www.life.com/people/tina-turner-unpublished-photos Tina Turner: Unpublished Photos of the Queen of Rock 'n' Roll]&quot;, ''[[w:Life (magazine)#Online presence|Life]]'' magazine online
* [[w:Ike Turner|Ike]] was often unpredictable in his actions and reactions, while Tina Turner only very rarely lost her composure even in her hardest times. For the band and all the other employees, she was always something like a haven of [[tranquility]] in the big [[storm|thunderstorm]].
** Original German: ''Ike war oft unberechenbar in seinen Aktionen und Reaktionen, während Tina Turner selbst in ihren schwersten Zeiten nur sehr selten die Fassung verlor. Für die Band und alle anderen Mitarbeiter war sie stets so etwas wie ein ruhender Pol im großen Gewitter.''
*** [[w:Gerhard Augustin|Gerhard Augustin]], ''Tina Turner'', 3rd ed. (1987), p. 9

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Tina Turner}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Tina}}
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Rock singers]]
[[Category:Swiss]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Soul singers]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Buddhists from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Tennessee]]</text>
      <sha1>jdwtjn9bx8kger08s8sqhnep91g7qec</sha1>
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      <id>3153425</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>FoolInLove</username>
        <id>1547041</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7999" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tina Turner 1970.jpg|thumb|Tina Turner in 1970]]

'''[[w:Tina Turner|Anna Mae Bullock]]''' (born [[November 26]], [[1939]]), known by her stage name '''Tina Turner''', is a singer, dancer, actress, and author, whose career has spanned more than half a century, earning her widespread recognition and numerous awards. Born and raised in the American South, she is now a Swiss citizen.

== Quotes ==
* As the first [[Black people|Black]] [[woman]] to fill a football stadium. That is a wish of mine. It hasn't been done. [[Janis Joplin]] did it for the White girls. I want to do it for the Blacks.
** Her answer to the question how she would like to be remembered, as cited in &quot;TINA TURNER Tells How She Made It To The Top Alone&quot;, ''[[w:Jet (magazine)|Jet]]'', 1 April 1985, pp. 63–64

* If you are unhappy with anything—your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, your job, your boss, your car—whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true [[creativity]], your true self comes out.
** ''I, Tina: My Life Story'' (1986), p. 199

* Well, it was a church person in the early days, [[w:Mahalia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]]. And [[w:Rosetta Tharpe|Rosetta Tharpe]]. These spiritual, very strong voices. I only knew that they were figures in the black race, recognizable and respected. But I must admit, I've always covered the songs of males. I haven't followed up on women or listened to that much women's music.
** Her answer to a question about her first musical influences, as quoted by Mark Bego in &quot;Tina Turner: Break Every Rule&quot; (2005), p. 18

* I have a simple, childlike view of life, and I want to keep it. That's why I never got into that Beverly Hills world. So many pretentious people. They just aren't real.
** &quot;[https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/oprahs-interview-with-tina-turner/5 Oprah Talks to Tina Turner]&quot;, ''[[w:O, The Oprah Magazine|O, The Oprah Magazine]]'', May 2005

* I am strong. I lived through a divorce, separation from my family. I never let it break me down. I'm not an alcoholic. I've never smoked, I've never done drugs. I've floated through the disaster of my past clean. I arrived here undamaged.
** &quot;[http://www.express.co.uk/entertainment/music/141823/Tina-Turner-is-a-soul-survivor Tina Turner is a soul survivor]&quot;, ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]'', 22 November 2009

* After Margaret died, there was a lot of talk about God's will. Our community was deeply Baptist, after all, and that was a natural response to the sudden tragedy that killed her and a few other young people, including my half sister Evelyn (my mother's child from a previous relationship). (...) I couldn't verbalize my own vision of [[God]] then, as the vocabulary hadn't come to me yet. But from the youngest age I can recall, I knew I could experience &quot;Godliness&quot; in [[Mother Nature]]. Something told me I had a piece of God in my [[heart]], even if the traditional beliefs of my family and the way they practiced religion weren't right for me. I wished they practiced what they preached and lived more positive lives.
** ''[[w:Happiness Becomes You (book)|Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good]]'' (2020), p. 12

* At every moment, we always have a [[choice]], even if it feels as if we don't. Sometimes that choice may simply be to think a more positive thought.
** ''Happiness Becomes You'' (2020), p. 126

=== Lyrics ===
* When I think of [[soul music|soul]], I think of grease 'cause ain't nothin' no good without the grease.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;[[w:Respect (song)|Respect]]&quot;, live at Basin Street West, San Francisco, 22 February 1969, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT4PpnoPPqk&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=420 Video] on YouTube

* Sometimes I'm tossed and driven, [[Lord]],&lt;br&gt;Sometimes I don't know where to go.&lt;br&gt;My mother and father won't own me,&lt;br&gt;So I'll try to make [[heaven]] my home.
** &quot;I Am a Motherless Child&quot; on ''[[w:Outta Season|Outta Season]]'' (1969)

* We never, ever, do nothin' nice and easy. We always do it nice and rough.
** Spoken introduction to &quot;[[w:Proud Mary#Ike &amp; Tina Turner version|Proud Mary]]&quot; on ''[[w:Workin' Together|Workin' Together]]'' (1970)

* There are two sides to everybody,&lt;br&gt;A [[good]] side and a [[bad]],&lt;br&gt;A side to make you happy,&lt;br&gt;A side to make you mad.
** &quot;[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner song)|Feel Good]]&quot; on ''[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner album)|Feel Good]]'' (1972)

* A [[church]] house, gin house,&lt;br&gt;A [[school]] house, outhouse&lt;br&gt;On highway number nineteen,&lt;br&gt;The people keep the city [[clean]].
** &quot;[[w:Nutbush City Limits|Nutbush City Limits]]&quot; on ''[[w:Nutbush City Limits (album)|Nutbush City Limits]]'' (1973)

* Some of us are livin' in an earthly [[heaven]],&lt;br&gt;Lord, some of us are livin' in [[hell]].&lt;br&gt;Yeah, we're livin' in hell,&lt;br&gt;Right here.
** &quot;That's My Purpose&quot; on ''Nutbush City Limits'' (1973)

* [[King]] of the jungle,&lt;br&gt;The lion he roars,&lt;br&gt;But the lioness calmly&lt;br&gt;Soothes his [[soul]].
** &quot;Delilah's Power&quot; (first released in 1975 as &quot;Delila's Power&quot;) on ''[[w:Delilah's Power|Delilah's Power]]'' (1977)

* People often ask me when am I gonna slow down. You know what I tell 'em? I'm just gettin' started.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;Proud Mary&quot;, live at The Apollo, Manchester, 14 March 1979 (&quot;On the Road&quot;, VHS)

* What is life without a [[dream]] to hold?&lt;br&gt;Take my hand and never let me go!
** &quot;[[w:Cose della vita#Eros Ramazzotti and Tina Turner version|Cose della vita/Can't Stop Thinking Of You]]&quot; on ''[[w:Eros (Eros Ramazzotti album)|Eros]]'' (1997) by [[w:Eros Ramazotti|Eros Ramazotti]], English lyrics co-written with her guitarist James Ralston

* Beyond the [[power]] – you find the [[flower]].&lt;br&gt;Beyond the bound – you find new ground.
** &quot;Calling by Tina&quot; on ''[[w:Beyond (Swiss band)#2011–2013: Children – With Children United in Prayer|Children Beyond]]'' (2011)

== Quotes about Tina Turner ==
* She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timin' man.&lt;br&gt;She loves him in spite of his ways she don't understand.&lt;br&gt;With teardrops and laughter they pass through this world hand in hand,&lt;br&gt;A good-hearted woman, lovin' a good-timin' man.
** [[Waylon Jennings]], &quot;[[w:Good Hearted Woman (song)|Good Hearted Woman]]&quot; on ''[[w:Good Hearted Woman|Good Hearted Woman]]'' (1972), co-written with [[Willie Nelson]]
* Standing up there next to her was the hottest place in the universe.
** [[David Bowie]] on joining her onstage in Birmingham, England, during the final concert of her 1985 British tour, as quoted by Ben Cosgrove in &quot;[https://www.life.com/people/tina-turner-unpublished-photos Tina Turner: Unpublished Photos of the Queen of Rock 'n' Roll]&quot;, ''[[w:Life (magazine)#Online presence|Life]]'' magazine online
* [[w:Ike Turner|Ike]] was often unpredictable in his actions and reactions, while Tina Turner only very rarely lost her composure even in her hardest times. For the band and all the other employees, she was always something like a haven of [[tranquility]] in the big [[storm|thunderstorm]].
** Original German: ''Ike war oft unberechenbar in seinen Aktionen und Reaktionen, während Tina Turner selbst in ihren schwersten Zeiten nur sehr selten die Fassung verlor. Für die Band und alle anderen Mitarbeiter war sie stets so etwas wie ein ruhender Pol im großen Gewitter.''
*** [[w:Gerhard Augustin|Gerhard Augustin]], ''Tina Turner'', 3rd ed. (1987), p. 9

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Tina Turner}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Tina}}
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Rock singers]]
[[Category:Swiss]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Soul singers]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Buddhists from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Tennessee]]</text>
      <sha1>o8pwcaw61ufmonpz8c3vdqqpg0qb4i0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153430</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T03:03:18Z</timestamp>
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        <username>FoolInLove</username>
        <id>1547041</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="7987" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tina Turner 1970.jpg|thumb|Tina Turner in 1970]]

'''[[w:Tina Turner|Anna Mae Bullock]]''' (born [[November 26]], [[1939]]), known by her stage name '''Tina Turner''', is a singer, dancer, actress, and author, whose career has spanned more than half a century, earning her widespread recognition and numerous awards. Born and raised in the American South, she is now a Swiss citizen.

== Quotes ==
* As the first [[Black people|Black]] [[woman]] to fill a football stadium. That is a wish of mine. It hasn't been done. [[Janis Joplin]] did it for the White girls. I want to do it for the Blacks.
** Her answer to the question how she would like to be remembered, &quot;TINA TURNER Tells How She Made It To The Top Alone&quot;, ''[[w:Jet (magazine)|Jet]]'', 1 April 1985, pp. 63–64

* If you are unhappy with anything—your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, your job, your boss, your car—whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true [[creativity]], your true self comes out.
** ''I, Tina: My Life Story'' (1986), p. 199

* Well, it was a church person in the early days, [[w:Mahalia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]]. And [[w:Rosetta Tharpe|Rosetta Tharpe]]. These spiritual, very strong voices. I only knew that they were figures in the black race, recognizable and respected. But I must admit, I've always covered the songs of males. I haven't followed up on women or listened to that much women's music.
** Her answer to a question about her first musical influences, as quoted by Mark Bego in &quot;Tina Turner: Break Every Rule&quot; (2005), p. 18

* I have a simple, childlike view of life, and I want to keep it. That's why I never got into that Beverly Hills world. So many pretentious people. They just aren't real.
** &quot;[https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/oprahs-interview-with-tina-turner/5 Oprah Talks to Tina Turner]&quot;, ''[[w:O, The Oprah Magazine|O, The Oprah Magazine]]'', May 2005

* I am strong. I lived through a divorce, separation from my family. I never let it break me down. I'm not an alcoholic. I've never smoked, I've never done drugs. I've floated through the disaster of my past clean. I arrived here undamaged.
** &quot;[http://www.express.co.uk/entertainment/music/141823/Tina-Turner-is-a-soul-survivor Tina Turner is a soul survivor]&quot;, ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]'', 22 November 2009

* After Margaret died, there was a lot of talk about God's will. Our community was deeply Baptist, after all, and that was a natural response to the sudden tragedy that killed her and a few other young people, including my half sister Evelyn (my mother's child from a previous relationship). (...) I couldn't verbalize my own vision of [[God]] then, as the vocabulary hadn't come to me yet. But from the youngest age I can recall, I knew I could experience &quot;Godliness&quot; in [[Mother Nature]]. Something told me I had a piece of God in my [[heart]], even if the traditional beliefs of my family and the way they practiced religion weren't right for me. I wished they practiced what they preached and lived more positive lives.
** ''[[w:Happiness Becomes You (book)|Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good]]'' (2020), p. 12

* At every moment, we always have a [[choice]], even if it feels as if we don't. Sometimes that choice may simply be to think a more positive thought.
** ''Happiness Becomes You'' (2020), p. 126

=== Lyrics ===
* When I think of [[soul music|soul]], I think of grease 'cause ain't nothin' no good without the grease.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;[[w:Respect (song)|Respect]]&quot;, live at Basin Street West, San Francisco, 22 February 1969, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT4PpnoPPqk&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=420 Video] on YouTube

* Sometimes I'm tossed and driven, [[Lord]],&lt;br&gt;Sometimes I don't know where to go.&lt;br&gt;My mother and father won't own me,&lt;br&gt;So I'll try to make [[heaven]] my home.
** &quot;I Am a Motherless Child&quot; on ''[[w:Outta Season|Outta Season]]'' (1969)

* We never, ever, do nothin' nice and easy. We always do it nice and rough.
** Spoken introduction to &quot;[[w:Proud Mary#Ike &amp; Tina Turner version|Proud Mary]]&quot; on ''[[w:Workin' Together|Workin' Together]]'' (1970)

* There are two sides to everybody,&lt;br&gt;A [[good]] side and a [[bad]],&lt;br&gt;A side to make you happy,&lt;br&gt;A side to make you mad.
** &quot;[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner song)|Feel Good]]&quot; on ''[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner album)|Feel Good]]'' (1972)

* A [[church]] house, gin house,&lt;br&gt;A [[school]] house, outhouse&lt;br&gt;On highway number nineteen,&lt;br&gt;The people keep the city [[clean]].
** &quot;[[w:Nutbush City Limits|Nutbush City Limits]]&quot; on ''[[w:Nutbush City Limits (album)|Nutbush City Limits]]'' (1973)

* Some of us are livin' in an earthly [[heaven]],&lt;br&gt;Lord, some of us are livin' in [[hell]].&lt;br&gt;Yeah, we're livin' in hell,&lt;br&gt;Right here.
** &quot;That's My Purpose&quot; on ''Nutbush City Limits'' (1973)

* [[King]] of the jungle,&lt;br&gt;The lion he roars,&lt;br&gt;But the lioness calmly&lt;br&gt;Soothes his [[soul]].
** &quot;Delilah's Power&quot; (first released in 1975 as &quot;Delila's Power&quot;) on ''[[w:Delilah's Power|Delilah's Power]]'' (1977)

* People often ask me when am I gonna slow down. You know what I tell 'em? I'm just gettin' started.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;Proud Mary&quot;, live at The Apollo, Manchester, 14 March 1979 (&quot;On the Road&quot;, VHS)

* What is life without a [[dream]] to hold?&lt;br&gt;Take my hand and never let me go!
** &quot;[[w:Cose della vita#Eros Ramazzotti and Tina Turner version|Cose della vita/Can't Stop Thinking Of You]]&quot; on ''[[w:Eros (Eros Ramazzotti album)|Eros]]'' (1997) by [[w:Eros Ramazotti|Eros Ramazotti]], English lyrics co-written with her guitarist James Ralston

* Beyond the [[power]] – you find the [[flower]].&lt;br&gt;Beyond the bound – you find new ground.
** &quot;Calling by Tina&quot; on ''[[w:Beyond (Swiss band)#2011–2013: Children – With Children United in Prayer|Children Beyond]]'' (2011)

== Quotes about Tina Turner ==
* She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timin' man.&lt;br&gt;She loves him in spite of his ways she don't understand.&lt;br&gt;With teardrops and laughter they pass through this world hand in hand,&lt;br&gt;A good-hearted woman, lovin' a good-timin' man.
** [[Waylon Jennings]], &quot;[[w:Good Hearted Woman (song)|Good Hearted Woman]]&quot; on ''[[w:Good Hearted Woman|Good Hearted Woman]]'' (1972), co-written with [[Willie Nelson]]
* Standing up there next to her was the hottest place in the universe.
** [[David Bowie]] on joining her onstage in Birmingham, England, during the final concert of her 1985 British tour, as quoted by Ben Cosgrove in &quot;[https://www.life.com/people/tina-turner-unpublished-photos Tina Turner: Unpublished Photos of the Queen of Rock 'n' Roll]&quot;, ''[[w:Life (magazine)#Online presence|Life]]'' magazine online
* [[w:Ike Turner|Ike]] was often unpredictable in his actions and reactions, while Tina Turner only very rarely lost her composure even in her hardest times. For the band and all the other employees, she was always something like a haven of [[tranquility]] in the big [[storm|thunderstorm]].
** Original German: ''Ike war oft unberechenbar in seinen Aktionen und Reaktionen, während Tina Turner selbst in ihren schwersten Zeiten nur sehr selten die Fassung verlor. Für die Band und alle anderen Mitarbeiter war sie stets so etwas wie ein ruhender Pol im großen Gewitter.''
*** [[w:Gerhard Augustin|Gerhard Augustin]], ''Tina Turner'', 3rd ed. (1987), p. 9

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Tina Turner}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Tina}}
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Rock singers]]
[[Category:Swiss]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Soul singers]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Buddhists from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Tennessee]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153445</id>
      <parentid>3153430</parentid>
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        <id>1547041</id>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8006" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tina Turner 1970.jpg|thumb|Tina Turner in 1970]]

'''[[w:Tina Turner|Anna Mae Bullock]]''' (born [[November 26]], [[1939]]), known by her stage name '''Tina Turner''', is a singer, dancer, actress, and author, whose career has spanned more than half a century, earning her widespread recognition and numerous awards. Born and raised in the American South, she is now a Swiss citizen.

== Quotes ==
* As the first [[Black people|Black]] [[woman]] to fill a football stadium. That is a wish of mine. It hasn't been done. [[Janis Joplin]] did it for the White girls. I want to do it for the Blacks.
** Her answer to the question how she would like to be remembered, as quoted in &quot;TINA TURNER Tells How She Made It To The Top Alone&quot;, ''[[w:Jet (magazine)|Jet]]'' (April 1, 1985), pp. 63–64

* If you are unhappy with anything—your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, your job, your boss, your car—whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true [[creativity]], your true self comes out.
** ''I, Tina: My Life Story'' (1986), p. 199

* Well, it was a church person in the early days, [[w:Mahalia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]]. And [[w:Rosetta Tharpe|Rosetta Tharpe]]. These spiritual, very strong voices. I only knew that they were figures in the black race, recognizable and respected. But I must admit, I've always covered the songs of males. I haven't followed up on women or listened to that much women's music.
** Her answer to a question about her first musical influences, as quoted by Mark Bego in &quot;Tina Turner: Break Every Rule&quot; (2005), p. 18

* I have a simple, childlike view of life, and I want to keep it. That's why I never got into that Beverly Hills world. So many pretentious people. They just aren't real.
** &quot;[https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/oprahs-interview-with-tina-turner/5 Oprah Talks to Tina Turner]&quot;, ''[[w:O, The Oprah Magazine|O, The Oprah Magazine]]'' (May 2005)

* I am strong. I lived through a divorce, separation from my family. I never let it break me down. I'm not an alcoholic. I've never smoked, I've never done drugs. I've floated through the disaster of my past clean. I arrived here undamaged.
** &quot;[http://www.express.co.uk/entertainment/music/141823/Tina-Turner-is-a-soul-survivor Tina Turner is a soul survivor]&quot;, ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]'' (November 22, 2009)

* After Margaret died, there was a lot of talk about God's will. Our community was deeply Baptist, after all, and that was a natural response to the sudden tragedy that killed her and a few other young people, including my half sister Evelyn (my mother's child from a previous relationship). (...) I couldn't verbalize my own vision of [[God]] then, as the vocabulary hadn't come to me yet. But from the youngest age I can recall, I knew I could experience &quot;Godliness&quot; in [[Mother Nature]]. Something told me I had a piece of God in my [[heart]], even if the traditional beliefs of my family and the way they practiced religion weren't right for me. I wished they practiced what they preached and lived more positive lives.
** ''[[w:Happiness Becomes You (book)|Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good]]'' (2020), p. 12

* At every moment, we always have a [[choice]], even if it feels as if we don't. Sometimes that choice may simply be to think a more positive thought.
** ''Happiness Becomes You'' (2020), p. 126

=== Lyrics ===
* When I think of [[soul music|soul]], I think of grease 'cause ain't nothin' no good without the grease.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;[[w:Respect (song)|Respect]]&quot;, live at Basin Street West, San Francisco, February 22, 1969, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT4PpnoPPqk&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=420 Video] on YouTube

* Sometimes I'm tossed and driven, [[Lord]],&lt;br&gt;Sometimes I don't know where to go.&lt;br&gt;My mother and father won't own me,&lt;br&gt;So I'll try to make [[heaven]] my home.
** &quot;I Am a Motherless Child&quot; on ''[[w:Outta Season|Outta Season]]'' (1969)

* We never, ever, do nothin' nice and easy. We always do it nice and rough.
** Spoken introduction to &quot;[[w:Proud Mary#Ike &amp; Tina Turner version|Proud Mary]]&quot; on ''[[w:Workin' Together|Workin' Together]]'' (1970)

* There are two sides to everybody,&lt;br&gt;A [[good]] side and a [[bad]],&lt;br&gt;A side to make you happy,&lt;br&gt;A side to make you mad.
** &quot;[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner song)|Feel Good]]&quot; on ''[[w:Feel Good (Ike &amp; Tina Turner album)|Feel Good]]'' (1972)

* A [[church]] house, gin house,&lt;br&gt;A [[school]] house, outhouse&lt;br&gt;On highway number nineteen,&lt;br&gt;The people keep the city [[clean]].
** &quot;[[w:Nutbush City Limits|Nutbush City Limits]]&quot; on ''[[w:Nutbush City Limits (album)|Nutbush City Limits]]'' (1973)

* Some of us are livin' in an earthly [[heaven]],&lt;br&gt;Lord, some of us are livin' in [[hell]].&lt;br&gt;Yeah, we're livin' in hell,&lt;br&gt;Right here.
** &quot;That's My Purpose&quot; on ''Nutbush City Limits'' (1973)

* [[King]] of the jungle,&lt;br&gt;The lion he roars,&lt;br&gt;But the lioness calmly&lt;br&gt;Soothes his [[soul]].
** &quot;Delilah's Power&quot; (first released in 1975 as &quot;Delila's Power&quot;) on ''[[w:Delilah's Power|Delilah's Power]]'' (1977)

* People often ask me when am I gonna slow down. You know what I tell 'em? I'm just gettin' started.
** Spoken interlude during &quot;Proud Mary&quot;, live at The Apollo, Manchester, 14 March 1979 (&quot;On the Road&quot;, VHS)

* What is life without a [[dream]] to hold?&lt;br&gt;Take my hand and never let me go!
** &quot;[[w:Cose della vita#Eros Ramazzotti and Tina Turner version|Cose della vita/Can't Stop Thinking Of You]]&quot; on ''[[w:Eros (Eros Ramazzotti album)|Eros]]'' (1997) by [[w:Eros Ramazotti|Eros Ramazotti]], English lyrics co-written with her guitarist James Ralston

* Beyond the [[power]] – you find the [[flower]].&lt;br&gt;Beyond the bound – you find new ground.
** &quot;Calling by Tina&quot; on ''[[w:Beyond (Swiss band)#2011–2013: Children – With Children United in Prayer|Children Beyond]]'' (2011)

== Quotes about Tina Turner ==
* She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timin' man.&lt;br&gt;She loves him in spite of his ways she don't understand.&lt;br&gt;With teardrops and laughter they pass through this world hand in hand,&lt;br&gt;A good-hearted woman, lovin' a good-timin' man.
** [[Waylon Jennings]], &quot;[[w:Good Hearted Woman (song)|Good Hearted Woman]]&quot; on ''[[w:Good Hearted Woman|Good Hearted Woman]]'' (1972), co-written with [[Willie Nelson]]
* Standing up there next to her was the hottest place in the universe.
** [[David Bowie]] on joining her onstage in Birmingham, England, during the final concert of her 1985 British tour, as quoted by Ben Cosgrove in &quot;[https://www.life.com/people/tina-turner-unpublished-photos Tina Turner: Unpublished Photos of the Queen of Rock 'n' Roll]&quot;, ''[[w:Life (magazine)#Online presence|Life]]'' magazine online
* [[w:Ike Turner|Ike]] was often unpredictable in his actions and reactions, while Tina Turner only very rarely lost her composure even in her hardest times. For the band and all the other employees, she was always something like a haven of [[tranquility]] in the big [[storm|thunderstorm]].
** Original German: ''Ike war oft unberechenbar in seinen Aktionen und Reaktionen, während Tina Turner selbst in ihren schwersten Zeiten nur sehr selten die Fassung verlor. Für die Band und alle anderen Mitarbeiter war sie stets so etwas wie ein ruhender Pol im großen Gewitter.''
*** [[w:Gerhard Augustin|Gerhard Augustin]], ''Tina Turner'', 3rd ed. (1987), p. 9

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Tina Turner}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turner, Tina}}
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Rock singers]]
[[Category:Swiss]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Soul singers]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Buddhists from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Tennessee]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Aqua TV Show Show</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>161813</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153440</id>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 1)|1]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 2)|2]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 3)|3]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 4)|4]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|5]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 6)|6]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 7)|7]] | [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] | [[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]] | [[Aqua TV Show Show]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] | [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;br&gt;
:''Master Shake, Frylock, my little homie Meatwad''
:''Lotus on the beats, yeah we heavy in the streets''
:''Squad got the whole planet in the palm of our hands''
:''It's time for the Aqua TV-''

'''''[[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''''', (also known by various [[w:Aqua Teen Hunger Force#Alternative titles|alternative titles]]), (2000–15) is an [[w:animated series|animated television series]] from the [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]] programming block.  The show follows the exploits of three [[w:anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] fast food items: [[w:Master Shake|Master Shake]], the milkshake; [[w:Frylock|Frylock]], the carton of French fries; and [[w:Meatwad|Meatwad]], the aptly named wad of meat.

===Muscles===
:''[Shake picks up Meatwad on a treadmill and throws him through a wall]''
:'''Master Shake''': He said stop running on his TREADMILL! ''[Breathes heavily]''
:'''Frylock''': Damn. Uh...Shake?
:'''Master Shake''': The words you're looking for are &quot;Thank&quot; and &quot;You&quot;. Put 'em together and they make a nice sound.
:'''Frylock''': You okay out there, Meatwad?
:'''Meatwad''': No, man! He threw me through a damn wall! OOOH, He broke your treadmill.
:'''Master Shake''': So I did, Do something about it.
:'''Frylock''': No... No...
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah that's what I thought.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shake's Muscles''': Carl! Get your fat ass out here with my muscle juice!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Are you out of your mind? Listen, when he wakes up, he's gonna kick all our asses.
:'''Frylock''': Not me, I'll be gone. So, he'll take most of his frustration out on you, and he'll be pissed.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': So, this wooden time machine will take me back to before the muscles took over my body?
:'''Frylock''': Well, no. This is known as a veal fattening plant. So, you just get to hangout here all day and the muscles will melt away.
:'''Master Shake''': And you can do this all in one day?
:'''Frylock''': Well, a lot of days.
:'''Shake's Muscles''': Hey, turn on the lights or I'll turn on your head! I'll turn off your head! The lights will go out in your head 'cuz you'll have energy saving balls! I don't know what I'm saying here, but I'm pissed!!
:'''Frylock''': We should go.
:'''Master Shake''': Wait! You can't leave me here! What's gonna entertain me all day?!
:'''Meatwad''': Your new neighbors seem really nice.
:'''Master Shake''': Come on, they're frickin' cows!
:'''Shake's Muscles''': When I get a chance...

===The Dudies===
:'''Carl''': Go on into the kitchenette. Nuke me up a pepperoni cheddar hot sleeve.
:'''Master Shake''': Then I can be cool like-like you?
:'''Carl''': ...We'll take this one hot sleeve at a time.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Frylock said it's cool to have responsibilities.
:'''Carl''': No. You know what I say to that? You crush responsibilities like Angus Young at Donnington! 1, 2! 1,2! Follow my Lead!
:'''Master Shake''': I'm stomping mad!
:'''Carl''': YOU ARE IN CONTROL!
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah! I'm really feeling it, Carl!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, that's right. Even though you rent, you own the place.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Boom-chika-boom-boom!
:'''Carl''': No, you say &quot;Sweet Nectar&quot;! Remember the fundamentals!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I don't know why they could've given us the trophies at the thing. I mean, we gotta slip all the way out to Nevada for the trophies? Come on.
:'''Master Shake''': Relax, Dad. They said the place was gonna be the shizat and that they're gonna have some kickass snacks.
:'''Carl''': You've seen the flier? They had slot machines there and they had girls that were smiling as they got out of the pool like real, you know, suggesting stuff. But I don't see no pool.
:'''Master Shake''': I see a fool. (Carl punches Shake; he sobs) Super not cool! And it hurts! And now that guy's gonna see me now and knows that I've been crying.
:'''Judge''': Hey, how's it hanging over there? Is everything &quot;cool&quot;?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, hay fever and allergies, they're not the bomb. So what's the deal-o with this 2 bed, 2 bath, y'all?
:'''Carl''': (sounded alarm in the background) Hey, I've seen your flier. And I don't see no slots and I don't see no sluts. But I do see...what is that? Is that a missile?
:'''Judge''': Let's go check out this spacious basement, really quick. I mean &quot;really, really quick&quot;. (Missile explosion, growls)
:'''Carl''': What's this?
:'''Judge''': Oh, this? It's a fangworm. (Fangworm growls and breaths heavily) I'mma go get everyone some hummus.

===Merlo Sauvignon Blanco===
(Master Shakes opens the front door with his key, walks in, with a puffed face, and turns on the light. He sees an angry Frylock, turns the light off, and walks away.)
:'''Frylock''': Turn them back on! (Shake turns the light back on) Where have you been?
:'''Master Shake''': You know I told you I was going to night school. For my diploma?
:'''Frylock''': Oh yeah, you're getting a PhD, alright. In Lies! You smell like clam sauce and horseradish!
:'''Master Shake''': I may have stopped by a restaurant.
:'''Frylock''': You went to the seafood restaurant, didn't you?!
:'''Master Shake''': Of course not. I know I'm allergic to shellfish and it's dangerous for me to eat.
:'''Frylock''': Well, that's good. So I guess I'll just throw away all these jumbo shrimp!
:'''Master Shake''': No, no, wait! Hang on, l-let me throw them away. I'll do it.
:'''Meatwad''': Will you throw away these lobster thermidors I've found in the bushes behind the house?
:'''Master Shake''': No, let's not get rid of those.
:'''Frylock''': And who's bib is this? Hmm?
:'''Master Shake''': I don't know. Listen, can you just wring out that cushion?
:'''Frylock''': Listen to me, Shake. The only way you can stay safe and healthy is to kick shellfish once and for all.
:'''Master Shake''': Totally will, tomorrow fresh start. I'm going cold turkey everybody.
:'''Frylock''': You keep saying that, but what happens tomorrow, huh? When a dozen oysters ain't enough, and some cool guy gives you a free prawn on the house? The next thing you know, you're out on the street. Turning tricks for crawfish, pinching the tail, sucking the head.
:'''Master Shake''' (sobs) You're right, it's time to make a change! (sobbing continues)
:'''Frylock''': Okay, we'll get you the help you need.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Merlo''': Suck Him Dry!
(Merlo, Shake, and Meatwad Leaves for Golf)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': Wait a minute, You're not ''The'' Mind Mosquito Are You?
:'''Mind Mosquito''': Yeah it's me Bitch!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Friendship ain't about trust. Friendship is about nunchucks.

===Banana Planet===
:'''Carl''': Awfully quiet over there... at the maniac ranch. Maybe they got monoxide poisoning. You know, maybe I should check. Make sure it happened. Ah, I'm talking to myself again. (signs fall by pool) Stay clear of &quot;rocket blast&quot;? What the hell does that mean? Meh, I'm sure it's nothing. (pool lifting) Why's my pool... why's my pool moving?! I JUST SKIMMED ALL THE PUBES OUT OF HERE!
Frylock: Seat Belts?
Master Shake: Yep!
:'''Frylock''': Okay Master Shake Meatwad All Rocket Ship are Go! Rocket is Ready! Five, Four, Three, Two, One! We have lift off, y'all! Yeah!
:'''Meatwad''': Touchdown (Carl screaming)
:'''Frylock''': You did put those signs up like I asked you to.
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah, I leaned them up. So, yes.
:'''Frylock''': What do you mean leaned them up?
:'''Master Shake''': You know, I leaned them.
:'''Frylock''': I thought I heard a scream.
:'''Meatwad''': It was like a big ol' scream.
:'''Master Shake''': In space, no I mean no one can hear you scream.
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, no one can hear you scream. Yeah, I know. This rocket is super illegal, man!

===Working Stiffs===
:'''Carl''': Someone better be dropping in here, soon. We're out of food in here!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frylock''': I do have a Doctorate degree in biomedical hypertronics and a Masters in both cryogenic sequencing and thermite plasmatics.
:'''Interviewer''': Wow, I'm very impressed. Can you start right now?
:'''Frylock''': Yeah, uh...sure.
:'''Interviewer''': Great, great. Okay, um, here's your hairnet and gloves.
:'''Frylock''': Thanks. I just have one question about benefits. Are there any?
:'''Interviewer''': Yeah, I mean, the hairnet's beneficial. It keeps hair out of the food.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Yep I can buy all the cable TV I want
:'''Carl''': What, you outta your mind? You pay money? For cable? *laughs*
:''[Master Shake, Meatwad, and Carl turn to the camera]''
:'''Master Shake, Meatwad, Carl''': You're stupid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, the cable's back on!
:'''Frylock''': Yep. Gave Carl a 12-pack, drank it, then he climb up the pole and hooked up the free cable.
:'''Meatwad''': How was work, Frylock?
:'''Frylock''': Well, I got bit by a bat when I was cleaning out the ranch dressing, had to get rabies shot, got shut down by the city. So, I quit. How was your job?
:'''Meatwad''': It was cool. I've met some nice guys.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Better Buy customers, it is now 9:55. We will be closing in 5 minutes.
:'''Master Shake''': Turn it back on, creep! I'm watching a show here! The show where the animals on the pajamas come to life and help a little boy! That's my show man!

===Skins===
:''[The Aqua Teens have witnessed a skinless creature appear after Shake plays a pair of bongos]''
:'''Frylock''': What the hell was that thing?!
:'''Master Shake''': The rhythm created it, from probably my magic playing. Like in the um, uh the Matrixes when eh, uh you see the numbers everywhere...Well I'm actually The One.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Frylock has shot a hole in Carl's pool]''
:'''Carl''': Hey! Dumbass Patrol! How 'bout you stick your palm-palm finger in this friggin' hole? 'Cause I'm in the middle of my water aerobics ''[pops open a beer]''.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Attention greasy, dirty, stupid, long haired wackadoos, shut down your frickin' jungle music!

===Freda===
:'''Master Shake''': I was just down at the pond feedin' the ducks...baking soda and vinegar. 'Cause I heard that could, you know, potentially blow 'em up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Master Shake''': Hey bimbo!
:'''Freda''': Oh, me?
:'''Master Shake''': Yeah! I'm talkin' to you, whore! What do you think you're doin' on my turf?
:'''Freda''': Oh, I'm just trying to explode ducks with baking soda and vinegar. ''[She releases a duck that explodes in mid-air]'' It appears we have a lot in common
:'''Master Shake''': You're a woman. Women want me. I'm what we have in common. Do you wanna hear my demo, little lady?
:'''Freda''': I would love nothing more

===Storage Zeebles===
:'''Frylock''': And you said you've &quot;Won this at an auction&quot;?
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I pay Randy $100 for everything inside. Sight unseen.
:'''Frylock''': You know, Carl, sometimes hobos will break into these things... and have like group hobo sex.
:'''Carl''': Nah-ah-ah. You ain't here to crush my dreams, Fryman. You are here to grab the other end of it, if there's like, you know King Tut's tomb or the bones of The Elephant Man or something. (Carl drops his pliers)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Take this flathead and pry them jewels out of that baby chair.
: '''King Zarfonius''': Please, do not touch my throne, oh friendly giant!
: '''Carl''': Nah-ah-ah! You ain't supposed to be living here, sir.
: '''King Zarfonius''': Well, we lived here for a very long time, friendly giant.
: '''Carl''': And now it's over, so how 'bout you taste my foot?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Carl''': What's this piece of shit? No, thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Man''': Uh, this looks a little sad for our wedding.
:'''Carl''': You're referring to the squirrel carcass, we'll run a broom through here. The real magic is what's happening in here. Paradise.
:'''Man''': This looks a little different than the pamphlet you had us look at.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, I mean, we had to clear out the forest to make room for the DJ and the dance floor. Look, it's your wedding. You're gonna be so trashed that you ain't gonna remember a thing.
:'''King Zarfonious''': Carl, There's the guy! The difficult, alcoholic giant! How are you, buddy?
:'''Carl''': Get lost, I'm with clients here.
:'''King Zarfonious''': They're gone.
:'''Carl''': Guys, think about it! Someone's booking up real fast!

===Piranha Germs===
:'''Master Shake''': ''[comes home all beat up]'' I've scored some serious sky miles!
:'''Frylock''': Man, you look terrible, Shake!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, you're still working on the cure, right?
:'''Frylock''': Uh, no, man. Not today.
:'''Meatwad''': Why the hell not?
:'''Frylock''': 'Cuz I don't feel like it! That's why.
:'''Meatwad''': Hey, how come we need ice? We are in a freezer, ain't we?
:'''Frylock''': Not exactly. You see while you were asleep, I brought the freezer onto a food truck. Then, had that food truck on a cargo plane, and now we're on Jurassic Island.
:'''Meatwad''': Jurassic what?! That's where all the dinosaurs are roaming around looking for human popsicles!
:'''Frylock''': Not what I've heard. Maybe I should talk to my friend, Michael Crichton. See what he has to say.
:'''Meatwad''': Yeah, you do that.

===Spacecadeuce===
:'''Ignignokt''': Attention Emory and Oglethorpe
:'''Err''': Bow to us!
:'''Ignignokt''': While you were hypersleeping we conquered your race of Plutonians and now you are our slaves
:'''Emory &amp; Oglethorpe''': What?
:'''Err''': Bow to our knees!
:'''Emory''': Ah man
:'''Ignignokt''': Yes, and as your new rulers and kings we have a new mission for you
:'''Oglethorpe''': Oh no
:'''Err''': Shush! We do the talking! ''[chugs a beer]'' And the drinking!

== External links ==
* {{imdb title||Aqua Teen Hunger Force}}	 

[[Category:Aqua Teen Hunger Force seasons]]

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; border=&quot;1&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align: center;&quot;
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Preceded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Something You Know Whatever]]'''''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | '''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' [[w:List of Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes|seasons]]'''
| width=&quot;30%&quot; | Succeeded by&lt;br&gt;'''''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever (season 11)]]'''''
|}
{{Adult Swim}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>174462</id>
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      <parentid>3151599</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:20:57Z</timestamp>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Adventures on the Orange Islands, the second season of the Pokémon animated series (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā, Pocket Monsters), continuing the adventures of series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels to the Orange Islands with Misty, Pikachu, and Tracey.

== Princess vs. Princess==
:'''Meowth''': Jessie....
:'''James''': Since you didn't win the real doll set....
:'''Jessie''': W-what are you....? Oh, no. You're all just a bunch of living dolls!

== The Battle of the Badge ==
:'''Gary''': It's here....
:'''Ash''': What's here?
:'''Gary''': A Pokémon that we've never seen did this.

== Showdown at the Poké Corral ==
:'''Ash''': Hey! Cut it out!!

== The Pi-Kahuna ==
:'''Meowth''': And now, all we have to do is wait for the next Humunga-Dunga. How long could that be? What? A couple of days? A week. Tops. Right? Right?!
----
:'''Misty''': Sleepy, Togepi. Time for your nap.

== Make Room for Gloom ==
:'''Ash''': Uh, Brock, are you talking to somebody?
:'''Misty''': I think maybe you had a little to much of that antidote.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brock''': Rejected by the one girl I loved! I'll never find another like her again!!
:'''Ash''': Uh, don't worry, Brock. You'll find plenty of other girls that won't reject you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': Hey, Ash! You didn't do any training. The Pokémon League competition is less than two months away. When are you gonna get ready?
:'''Ash''': Don't worry, Misty. There's always tomorrow.
:'''Misty''': Oh!
:'''Narrator''': Don't be so sure, Ash. You're already one tomorrow closer to the battle of your life!

== Lights, Camera, Quack-tion! ==
:'''Jessie''': Meowth, will you stop moving around?
:'''Meowth''': I've got to breathe, don't I? Talk about a cliffhanger!
:'''Jessie''': Prepare for trouble!
:'''James''': With no stunt double!

== Go West, Young Meowth ==
:'''Ash''': That's scary.
:'''Brock''': Looks like our movie career is over.
:'''Misty''': Even before it got started.

== To Master the Onixpected ==
:''[Ash and the gang catch Team Rocket disguised as polecats]''
:'''Jessie''': Prepare for trouble, whippersnapper!
:'''James''': And make it double, young feller!
:'''Meowth''': I think we can fast forward through this.
:''[he presses the fast-forward button on his remote, and everything speeds up]''
:'''Jessie''': ''[in hyperspeed]'' To protect the world from devastation!
:'''James''': ''[also in hyperspeed]'' To unite all people within our nation!
:'''Jessie''': To denounce the evils of truth and love!
:'''James''': To extend our reach to the stars above!
:'''Jessie''': JESSIE!
:'''James''': JAMES!
:'''Jessie''': Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!
:'''James''': Surrender now or prepare to fight!
:'''Meowth''': ''[also in hyperspeed]'' Okay!
:''[he presses the play button, and everything returns to normal speed]''
:'''Meowth''': ''[normal speed]'' Meowth, that's right!
:'''Jessie''': ''[also in normal speed; worn out]'' Exhausting.
:'''James''': ''[also in normal speed; worn out]'' I think I bit my tongue!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jessie''': I think things are looking sort of rocky, don't you?
:'''James''': These Pokémon couldn't be boulder!
:'''Meowth''': Maybe people take them for granite!

== The Ancient Puzzle of Pokémopolis ==
:'''Ash''': Where's that Jiggly-giant?

== Bad to the Bone! ==
:'''Professor Oak''': It's too late for pointers, young man! If you're not ready for the Pokémon League now, you should quit and go home!!

== All Fired Up! ==
:'''Jessie''': I think our plan....
:'''James''': Backfired!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Will he be out of the league? Who knows? He's got to be in it to win it.

== Round One: Begin! ==
:'''Mandi''': But I'm Mandi the Astounding. How could I lose?

== Fire And Ice ==
:'''Waitress''': Do you want a plate?
:'''Ash''': Yeah, but only if it's a collection plate!

== The Fourth Round Rumble ==
:'''Jeanette''': ''[to Bellsprout]'' Make Bulba-sore! ''[laughs]''

== A Friend in Deed ==
:'''Jessie''': I just don't understand it.
:'''James''': How can we feel so low....
:'''Meowth''': When we're up so high?
:'''Jessie''': 100 Pokémon in a bag, 100 Pokémon....
:'''James''': If all of those Pokémon go free....
:'''Meowth''': Ain't no Pokémon for me.

== Friends to the End ==
:''[at the beginning of the episode, Ash is moping around, annoyed about how his Charizard cost him the match at the Indigo Plateau...]''
:'''Ash''': ''(thinking)'' Why did I have to lose?
:'''Pikachu''': ''(worried)'' Pika-pi.
:'''Professor Oak''': So, he's been laying in there by himself since he lost the match?
:'''Brock''': Yeah, he won't even eat or anything.
:'''Delia''': Maybe he's coming down with a cold.
:'''Brock''': No, he's just depressed.
:'''Professor Oak''': Depressed about what?!
:'''Delia''': About the match?!
:'''Brock''': ''(nods his head 'yes')'' Mmh. I think that he feels like a total loser 'cause Ritchie beat him.
:'''Misty''': He should be happy he made it all the way to the 5th round. I know he feels bad, but he can't just mope around forever. ''(opens the door and walks into the room to get Ash)'' Hey, Ash, let's go get something to eat.
:'''Ash''': No thanks.
:'''Misty''': ''(groans)'' Well, how about a walk?
:'''Ash''': Go by yourself.
:'''Misty''': ''(groans in frustration)'' Hey, let's go down the Pokemon village and buy some souvenirs. ''(tries to get Ash up from the bed)'' Maybe they'll have some--
:'''Ash''': ''(pulls away)'' Leave me alone!
:'''Misty''': Hey, I'm just trying to help you, Ash!
:'''Ash''': ''(sits up)'' Well, I don't want your help!
:'''Misty''': You big baby!
:'''Ash''': ''(stands up from the bed)'' Just get out!
:'''Pikachu''': ''(tries to calm them down)'' Pika-pika!
:''(Brock and Delia run in)''
:'''Brock''': Alright now, that's enough!
:'''Delia''': You mustn't be angry with Misty, dear. She thinks you should be very happy.
:'''Ash''': Why?
:'''Misty''': With the way you were training, you're lucky we even made it through the 1st round.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah?! Well, I didn't see you out there winning any of those matches!
:'''Misty''': When are you gonna get over yourself, Ash?!
:'''Ash''': Why don't you?!
:'''Misty''': Why don't I what?!
:'''Pikachu''': ''(tries to calm them down)'' Pika...
:'''Brock''': ''(restrains Ash)'' Okay, that's it!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika...
:'''Professor Oak''': ''(walks in)'' I'm afraid Misty has a point, Ash.
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Professor Oak''': Maybe you could've gone much further if you haven't been so sure of yourself and you trained your Charizard properly.
:'''Ash''': But I...
:'''Professor Oak''': One thing can advance so far with strength and intuition.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Misty''': I said I didn't, and I didn't!
:'''Ash''': I said you did, because you did!
:'''Misty''': I didn't!
:'''Ash''': You did!
:'''Misty''': Did not!
:'''Ash''': Did too!
:'''Misty''': Did not!
:'''Ash''': You did too!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Ash battled bravely in his first Pokémon League competition, and although he lost one crucial match, our young hero won a life-long friend. Now, he's more determined than ever to achieve his dreams of becoming a Pokémon master.

== Pikachu Re-Volts ==

== The Crystal Onix ==

== In the Pink ==
:'''Meowth''': Look, that thing is pink, too!
:'''Jessie &amp; James''': ''[happily]'' Ah!
:'''Jessie''': Imagine, a pink Jigglypuff!
:'''James''': ''[frowning]'' Hey, wait a minute, aren't Jigglypuffs always pink?
:'''Jessie''': ''[frowning]'' Yes, they are.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jessie''': What we need is a Pokémon who can lick 'em all! ''[throws a Pokéball]'' This looks like the perfect job for... Lickitung!
:''[Licktung comes out]''
:'''Lickitung''': Licki!
:'''James''': Look! A pink Lickitung! ''[gets hit by Jessie's paper fan]''
:'''Jessie''': James! Lickitung has ''always'' been pink!
:'''Meowth''': ''[To James]'' Any more of that, and ''you'll'' be turning pink!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': The professor sure has a lot of Muk on his hands.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Team Rocket are beating up an agitated Nidoking]''
:'''Officer Jenny''': Hey! Who do you think you are, coming here and causing trouble?!
:'''Jessie''': Did she say...
:'''James''': Trouble?
:''[Jessie and James are suddenly in pink Tauros and Gengar costumes]''
:'''Jessie''': I think you'd better prepare for trouble!
:'''James''': I'm in the pink, so make it double!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': ''[grabs Tracey's sketchbook]'' Let me see.
:'''Tracey''': Hey!
:'''Ash''': ''[sees a sketch of Officer Jenny]'' Aw...
:'''Tracey''': Well, like you know, I can't just watch Pokémon all the time. ''[laughs]''

== Tracey Gets Bugged ==
:'''Misty''': Oh, no. Not another Ash.

== Wherefore Thou Art, Pokémon? ==
:'''Misty''': ''[Referring to Emily &amp; Ralph]'' They're not mature enough to admit it, but they really like each other.
:'''Tracey''': You know what? It's exactly the same thing with you and Ash.
:'''Misty &amp; Ash''': You must be crazy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emily &amp; Ralph''': Why did you send me that stupid letter? And why did you send me such a stupid present?
:'''Emily''': Is this your idea of a joke?
:'''Ralph''': That's what I'd like to know!
:'''Emily''': Well, thanks a lot for sending me these flowers, Ralph. You know I'm allegic!
:'''Ralph''': I guess you'd think it's real funny that I throw up in airplanes.
:'''Emily''': I can't stand you, Ralph!
:'''Ralph''': I can't stand you, either!
:''[Emily &amp; Ralph both pick up a stick and start to fight with the sticks]''

== The Mystery Menace ==
:'''Mayor of Trovitopolis''': ''[As a child, to his Bulbasaur]'' Quit your blubbering! If you're not going to evolve, what do I need you for?!

== Pokémon Double Trouble ==

:'''Jessie''': Just get out of my way, Grandma!
:'''Misty''': ''[To Jessie]'' I wouldn't call her Grandma if I were you, you old witch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jessie''': I don't care if you're in the Orange Crew or Grapefruit League! James, launch an all-out smog attack immediately!
:'''James''': Roger!
:'''Weezing''': Weezing! Wee! Wee! Wee!
:'''Luana''': Alakazam, use Phsychic attack! Shut that robot's mouth!
:'''Alakazam''': Alakazam!
:'''Jessie''': James, what's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''James''': Meowth, do something!
:'''Jessie''': Get us out of here!
:'''Meowth''': I can't! Our Rhydon's off!
:[exploding]
:'''Team Rocket''': Team Rocket's blasting off again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''All''': Good afternoon.
:'''Launa''': Chilton, would you kindly prepare for a deluxe suite for my guests, please?
:'''Sheldon''': Right away, ma'am.
:'''Misty''': Our own deluxe suite. Now that's sweet!
:'''Togepi''': Togepi!
:''[all Pokémon are jumping on one leg while other trainer has Raichu, Wartortle, Machop, Sandslash, Electabuzz, and Poliwhirl]
:'''Tracy''': The trainers must come here... so their Pokémon can get into shape.
:'''Misty''': A gym at the gym.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Well, in that case, we'll be able to ease this match, 1, 2, 3!
:'''Pikachu''': Pi! Chu!

== The Stun Spore Detour ==
:'''Ash Ketchum''': Well, at least he got cooled off.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! Pika!
:'''Ash''': Hey, Tracy, do you think you could help me with my training, now? Kinda get off to a rocky star. Aah!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! Pika! Pikachu! Pika! Pikachu!
:'''Misty''': Oh, hi, Pikachu.
:'''Pikachu''': Pi.
:'''Misty''': I thought you and Ash were gonna go down to the beach to do a little training!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu! Pika! Pika! Pika! Pi!
:'''Misty''': Did something happen to Ash?
:'''Ash''': It got us!
:'''Misty''': Hmm?
:'''Ash''': It got us!
:'''Misty''': What got you?
:'''Tracy''': We both fell into a Vileplume's head.
:'''Misty''': [gasping] You breathed in stun spore!
:'''Ash Ketchum''': Can't move.
:'''Misty''': Oh, no!
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': All right, kid. Hand over that Poliwag!
:'''Misty''': Poliwag doesn't want to go with you two!
:'''James''': Do it, or else.
:'''Misty''': No way!

== External links==
{{Wikipedia|List of Pokémon: Adventures on the Orange Islands episodes}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:26:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:5CE:4380:36F0:0:0:0:3FBF</ip>
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      <comment>/* Dying For Pie (4.1) */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] '''2''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games.

==Cast==
*Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary, Monkey, Narrator, Hans, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Ladies, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Patchy, Old Fish, Singer #1, Jellyfish, Larry, Dad, King Jellyfish, Seagull, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1
*Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish
*Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman
*Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish
*Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Announcer, Cop #1, Narrator, Fish #2, Announcer, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Announcer, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Announcer, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip
*Lory Alan as Lady, Pearl
*Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2
*Patrick Pinney as Painting, Cool Fish, Scoutmaster, Fish #1, Zoo Keeper, Security Guard
*Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman
*Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish
*Carlos Alazraqui as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish
*Sara Paxton as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #1, Little Kid, Little Girl, Kid Fish
*Camryn Walling as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #2
*Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn
*Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy, Announcer
*Corky Carrell as Grubby Grouper
*Jill Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies
*Aaron Springer as Real-life drummer
*Austin Stout as Little Boy
*Michael Patrick Bell as Santa Claus
*Jonathan Silsby as Puppeteer
*Steve Hillenburg as Potty, Director
*Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff
*Seth Mumy as Kid
*Guy Siner as Man Ray
*Frank Welker as Clamu, Baby Oyster
*Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Momma Krabs
*Susan Boyajian as Real Mom, Janet Mom
*Tom Wilson as Real Dad, Marty Dad

==Episode 1==
===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)]]''===
:'''Patrick''': ''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?
:'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest.

===''Squid's Day Off (1.2)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy.

==Episode 2==
===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells (2.1)]]''===
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud!
:'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it?

===''Bossy Boots (2.2)''===
:'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab?
:'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask?
:'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, &quot;The Krusty Krab&quot; has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh!
:'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
:'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab?
:'''Pearl''': Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab.
:'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed in hip hop clothes]'' The Kool Krab. 
:''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab! 
:''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab! 
:''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The Kreepy Krab!
:''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' The Killer Krab!
:'''Pearl''': ''[groans]'' NO!
:'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary.
:''[pause]''
:'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[hug and laugh]''

==Episode 3==
===''Big Pink Loser (3.1)''===
:''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' &quot;For outstanding achievement in achievement&quot; - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'?
:'''Patrick''': &quot;SpongeBob SquarePants&quot;? That's a funny way to spell my name.
:'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
:'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! ''[starts to cry]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?
:'''Patrick''': Ice cream!
:'''SpongeBob''': Exactly!
:'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my-- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' ...award closet.
:'''Patrick''': '''''I WANT AN AWARD!''''' 

:'''Caller''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick.
:'''Caller#2''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick.
:'''Caller#3''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': '''''No, this is Patrick!''''' I'm not a Krusty Krab.
:'''SpongeBob''':  Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.


What’s so great about being a big pink loser?

===''Bubble Buddy (3.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''please hesitate''' to ask!

==Episode 4==
===''Dying For Pie (4.1)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready?
:'''Squidward''': To go home?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!
:'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards ''that guy! [points to SpongeBob]''
&lt;hr width =50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Squidward''': WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. (''holds up a book that says Friends 4ever'') We should be able to finish by January.
:'''Squidward''': (''slaps book away'') '''FORGET THE BOOK!!!''' I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because ''you'' were supposed to explode!
:'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode?
:'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll try. (''grunts and yells'') '''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!''' (''laughs'') Now it's your turn.
:'''Squidward''': (''yells, hops up and down furiously'') '''THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLE HEAD!!!'''
:'''SpongeBob''': (''claps'') Oo, good one.
:'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! (''flaps his arms'')
:'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that?
:'''Squidward''': Because that pie you ate was a bomb!
:'''SpongeBob''': What pie?
:'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...THAT PIE!
:'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie...oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (''trips on a rock'') Oops!
[''The pie flies into Squidward's face in slow motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb'']
:'''Squidward''': Ouch.

===''Imitation Krabs (4.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[angrily]'' Yes, why aren't you working ''harder?!''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[blankly]'' I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know...

==Episode 5==
===''Wormy (5.1)''===
:'''Squidward''': That's it. I'm getting off the loony express.

===''Patty Hype (5.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?
:'''Patrick''': Yeah!
:'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter?
:'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead!

==Episode 6==
===''Grandma's Kisses (6.1)''===
:'''Grandma''': You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
:'''SpongeBob''': I don't?
:'''Grandma''': Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

===''Squidville (6.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.
:''[A TV falls on the ground]''
:'''Announcer:''' Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way–
:'''Squidward:''' ''4''-way!
:'''Announcer:''' ''4''-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to–
:'''Patrick:''' ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I ''hate'' this channel.
:'''Squidward:''' NO, ''NO!'' ''[changes it back]''
:'''Announcer:''' ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away!

==Episode 7==
===''Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)''===
:''[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]''
:'''Sandy''': SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressins?  But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... '''IN THE ''NUDE!''''' Something terrible must have happened to him!

===''Life of Crime (7.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': I wanna go home.
:'''SpongeBob:''' We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire.
:'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? ''[The fire dissolves]'' I’m scared, SpongeBob.

==[[w:Christmas Who?|''Christmas Who?'' (Episode 8)]]==
:'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
:'''Patrick''': Like a genie.

==Episode 9==
===''Survival of the Idiots (9.1)''===
:'''Spongebob''': ''[as &quot;Dirty Dan&quot;; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up.
:'''Patrick''': ''[as &quot;Pinhead Larry&quot;; with a looney, bucktooth face]'' Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
:'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty... ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan.
:'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan.
:'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan!
:'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan!
:''[They continue to hit each other while saying &quot;I'm Dirty Dan!&quot;]''

===''Dumped (9.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?
:'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry!
:'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...?
:'''Patrick''': Here it comes.
:'''SpongeBob''': ...Du-Du-- ''[crying]'' --Tty-yyy-yyy!?!

==Episode 10==
===''No Free Rides (10.1)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6.
:'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[bending over and rising up very slowly]'' Whoo–
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred.
:'''SpongeBob''': Wha?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6''00''. You need 600 to pass. You got 6.

===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan!
:'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]''
:'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]''

==Episode 11==
===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (11.1)''===
:''[Man Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]''
:'''Man Ray''': Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! ''[peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching]'' Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!
:''[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''We'' could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go!
:'''Man Ray''': Oh, that would be fantastic! ''[to himself]'' I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

===''Squirrel Jokes (11.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb?
:'''Fish''': Why?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Because, they're so darn stupid!

==Episode 12==
===''Pressure (12.1)''===
:'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts.

===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut (12.2)]]''===
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': What's wrong with Clamu?
:'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember?
:''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]''
:'''Patrick''':  Now, this is a show!
:''[Outside...]''
:'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody runs for their lives and screams]'' Thanks for coming.
:''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]''
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. ''[The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Uh...
:'''Patrick''':  No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
:''[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]''
:''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]''
:'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like &quot;you&quot; and &quot;are&quot;, and... &quot;a jerk&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl.
:''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]''
:'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! Mama!
:'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
:'''Baby Oyster''': Mama!
:'''Clamu''': Aww!
:''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]''
:'''All''': Awww... ''[They glare at Mr. Krabs]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[nervously]'' But it's... Free Day!
:''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]''

==Episode 13==
===''[[w:Shanghaied (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Shanghaied (13.1)]]''===
:'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinking. ''[notices SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Stop bouncing! ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me…
:'''SpongeBob''': You’re setting us free?
:'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! ''[leaves]''

===''[[w:Gary Takes a Bath|Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)]]''===
:''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages!
:''[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that.

==Episode 14==
===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)]]''===
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?''
:'''Plankton''': '''What?! ''WHAT?!?'''''
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.''
:'''Plankton''': ''WAIT, '''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!'''''
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.''

===''Frankendoodle (14.2)''===
:''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]''
:'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish!
:'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
:'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. ''[Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]''
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic!
:'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away!
:'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick?
:'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum.

==Episode 15==
===''The Secret Box (15.1)''===
:'''Patrick''': You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. ''[A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]''

===''[[w:Band Geeks|Band Geeks (15.2)]]''===
:'''Squidward''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– ''[blows clarinet]''
:'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
:'''Squidward''': ''[shocked]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
:'''Squilliam''': I heard you're playing the cash register now.
:'''Squidward''': Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
:'''Squilliam''': It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!
:'''Squidward''': The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...?
:'''Squilliam''': That's right! I'm living ''your'' dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
:'''Squidward''': Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...
:'''Squilliam''': I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!
:'''Squidward''': ''[angry at the comment] '''HOLD IT!''' [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up]'' It just so happens that I ''don't'' sell fast food! I ''do'' have a band, and we're going to play at ''that Bubble Bowl''! How do you like ''that'', Fancy'''''Boy?!'''''
:'''Squilliam''': Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... ''IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]''

==Episode 16==
===''[[w:Graveyard Shift (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Graveyard Shift (16.1)]]''===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! ''[gasps]'' It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with ''grease''! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
:'''Squidward''': No.
:'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we got customers!
:'''Squidward''': Here. ''[hands a baseball bat to a customer]'' Please hit me as hard as you can.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… ''[giggles]'' At night.
:'''Squidward''': ''[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat]'' Don't hold back.

===''[[w:Krusty Love|Krusty Love (16.2)]]''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! ''[cries]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

==Episode 17==
===''Procrastination (17.1)''===
:'''Mail Fish''': Package for Mr. Squarepants.
:'''SpongeBob''': Great! Thanks. ''[trying to strike up a conversation]'' So, uh, you like delivering mail?
:'''Mail Fish''': It puts bread on the table.
:'''SpongeBob''': Rye or pumpernickel? ''[laughs]''
:'''Mail Fish''': Oh, brother.
:'''SpongeBob''': So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers ''his'' mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain--
:'''Mail Fish''': ''[interrupting]'' Don't you have a paper to write?

===''[[w:I'm with Stupid (SpongeBob SquarePants)|I'm with Stupid (17.2)]]''===
:'''Patrick''': You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do.&quot; ''[angrily]'' Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… ''[getting increasingly worked up]'' ...Or ''FABRICATE!''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[gently]'' But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. 
:''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
:'''Patrick''': No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse!
:'''SpongeBob''': Darn, I like the funnel.

==Episode 18==
===''[[w:Sailor Mouth|Sailor Mouth (18.1)]]''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13.
:'''Patrick''': That's a lot of bad words. ''[dolphin noise]''

===''Artist Unknown (18.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;I have no talent.&quot;
:'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.&quot;
:'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art.&quot; ''[Pause]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever.

==Episode 19==
===''Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)''=== 
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What don't you understand about &quot;More&quot;!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' More! More! More. More. More! More. More! ''[He grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! ''MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading &quot;Jellyfish Fields: Population 4 is seen. The word &quot;000,000&quot; is crossed out]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing!

===''The Fry Cook Games (19.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the &quot;Laying Under a Rock All Day&quot; Games!
:'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' 
:'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!
:'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails!
:'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' I cannot believe what I am hearing!
:'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear it? You don't have ears either!
:'''Patrick''': ''[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes]'' Er... Holes, holes!
:'''SpongeBob''': Conehead!
:'''Patrick''': Yellow!
:'''SpongeBob''': Pink!

==Episode 20==
===''Squid on Strike (20.1)''===
:'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)''===
:'''Sandy''': Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]''
:'''SpongeBob''': You are.
:'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, &quot;''K''&quot; in &quot;karate&quot;?!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a &quot;U&quot;] You'' did.
:'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? ''[SpongeBob's backside reads &quot;Property of Sandy Cheeks&quot;]''
:'''SpongeBob''': You do.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}}

[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] '''2''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
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&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games.

==Cast==
*Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary, Monkey, Narrator, Hans, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Ladies, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Patchy, Old Fish, Singer #1, Jellyfish, Larry, Dad, King Jellyfish, Seagull, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1
*Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish
*Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman
*Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish
*Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Announcer, Cop #1, Narrator, Fish #2, Announcer, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Announcer, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Announcer, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip
*Lory Alan as Lady, Pearl
*Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2
*Patrick Pinney as Painting, Cool Fish, Scoutmaster, Fish #1, Zoo Keeper, Security Guard
*Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman
*Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish
*Carlos Alazraqui as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish
*Sara Paxton as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #1, Little Kid, Little Girl, Kid Fish
*Camryn Walling as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #2
*Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn
*Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy, Announcer
*Corky Carrell as Grubby Grouper
*Jill Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies
*Aaron Springer as Real-life drummer
*Austin Stout as Little Boy
*Michael Patrick Bell as Santa Claus
*Jonathan Silsby as Puppeteer
*Steve Hillenburg as Potty, Director
*Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff
*Seth Mumy as Kid
*Guy Siner as Man Ray
*Frank Welker as Clamu, Baby Oyster
*Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Momma Krabs
*Susan Boyajian as Real Mom, Janet Mom
*Tom Wilson as Real Dad, Marty Dad

==Episode 1==
===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)]]''===
:'''Patrick''': ''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?
:'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest.

===''Squid's Day Off (1.2)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy.

==Episode 2==
===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells (2.1)]]''===
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud!
:'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it?

===''Bossy Boots (2.2)''===
:'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab?
:'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask?
:'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, &quot;The Krusty Krab&quot; has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh!
:'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
:'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab?
:'''Pearl''': Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab.
:'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed in hip hop clothes]'' The Kool Krab. 
:''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab! 
:''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab! 
:''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The Kreepy Krab!
:''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' The Killer Krab!
:'''Pearl''': ''[groans]'' NO!
:'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary.
:''[pause]''
:'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[hug and laugh]''

==Episode 3==
===''Big Pink Loser (3.1)''===
:''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' &quot;For outstanding achievement in achievement&quot; - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'?
:'''Patrick''': &quot;SpongeBob SquarePants&quot;? That's a funny way to spell my name.
:'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
:'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! ''[starts to cry]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?
:'''Patrick''': Ice cream!
:'''SpongeBob''': Exactly!
:'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my-- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' ...award closet.
:'''Patrick''': '''''I WANT AN AWARD!''''' 

:'''Caller''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick.
:'''Caller#2''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick.
:'''Caller#3''': Is this the Krusty Krab? 
:'''Patrick''': '''''No, this is Patrick!''''' I'm not a Krusty Krab.
:'''SpongeBob''':  Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.


What’s so great about being a big pink loser?

===''Bubble Buddy (3.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''please hesitate''' to ask!

==Episode 4==
===''Dying For Pie (4.1)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready?
:'''Squidward''': To go home?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!
:'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards ''that guy! [points to SpongeBob]''
&lt;hr width =50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Squidward''': WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. (''holds up a book that says Friends 4ever'') We should be able to finish by January.
:'''Squidward''': (''slaps book away'') '''FORGET THE BOOK!!!''' I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because ''you'' were supposed to explode!
:'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode?
:'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll try. (''grunts and yells'') '''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!''' (''laughs'') Now it's your turn.
:'''Squidward''': (''yells, hops up and down furiously'') '''THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLE HEAD!!!'''
:'''SpongeBob''': (''claps'') Oo, good one.
:'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! (''flaps his arms'')
:'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that?
:'''Squidward''': Because that pie you ate was a bomb!
:'''SpongeBob''': What pie?
:'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...'''THAT PIE!!!'''
:'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie...oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (''trips on a rock'') Oops!
[''The pie flies into Squidward's face in slow motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb'']
:'''Squidward''': Ouch.

===''Imitation Krabs (4.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[angrily]'' Yes, why aren't you working ''harder?!''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[blankly]'' I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know...

==Episode 5==
===''Wormy (5.1)''===
:'''Squidward''': That's it. I'm getting off the loony express.

===''Patty Hype (5.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?
:'''Patrick''': Yeah!
:'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter?
:'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead!

==Episode 6==
===''Grandma's Kisses (6.1)''===
:'''Grandma''': You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
:'''SpongeBob''': I don't?
:'''Grandma''': Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

===''Squidville (6.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.
:''[A TV falls on the ground]''
:'''Announcer:''' Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way–
:'''Squidward:''' ''4''-way!
:'''Announcer:''' ''4''-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to–
:'''Patrick:''' ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I ''hate'' this channel.
:'''Squidward:''' NO, ''NO!'' ''[changes it back]''
:'''Announcer:''' ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away!

==Episode 7==
===''Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)''===
:''[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]''
:'''Sandy''': SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressins?  But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... '''IN THE ''NUDE!''''' Something terrible must have happened to him!

===''Life of Crime (7.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': I wanna go home.
:'''SpongeBob:''' We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire.
:'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? ''[The fire dissolves]'' I’m scared, SpongeBob.

==[[w:Christmas Who?|''Christmas Who?'' (Episode 8)]]==
:'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
:'''Patrick''': Like a genie.

==Episode 9==
===''Survival of the Idiots (9.1)''===
:'''Spongebob''': ''[as &quot;Dirty Dan&quot;; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up.
:'''Patrick''': ''[as &quot;Pinhead Larry&quot;; with a looney, bucktooth face]'' Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
:'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty... ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan.
:'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan.
:'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan!
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan!
:'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan!
:''[They continue to hit each other while saying &quot;I'm Dirty Dan!&quot;]''

===''Dumped (9.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?
:'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry!
:'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...?
:'''Patrick''': Here it comes.
:'''SpongeBob''': ...Du-Du-- ''[crying]'' --Tty-yyy-yyy!?!

==Episode 10==
===''No Free Rides (10.1)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6.
:'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[bending over and rising up very slowly]'' Whoo–
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred.
:'''SpongeBob''': Wha?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': 6''00''. You need 600 to pass. You got 6.

===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan!
:'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]''
:'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]''

==Episode 11==
===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (11.1)''===
:''[Man Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]''
:'''Man Ray''': Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! ''[peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching]'' Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!
:''[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''We'' could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go!
:'''Man Ray''': Oh, that would be fantastic! ''[to himself]'' I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

===''Squirrel Jokes (11.2)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb?
:'''Fish''': Why?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Because, they're so darn stupid!

==Episode 12==
===''Pressure (12.1)''===
:'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts.

===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut (12.2)]]''===
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': What's wrong with Clamu?
:'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember?
:''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]''
:'''Patrick''':  Now, this is a show!
:''[Outside...]''
:'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody runs for their lives and screams]'' Thanks for coming.
:''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]''
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. ''[The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?!
:'''SpongeBob''': Uh...
:'''Patrick''':  No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
:''[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]''
:''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]''
:'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like &quot;you&quot; and &quot;are&quot;, and... &quot;a jerk&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zoo Worker #1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl.
:''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]''
:'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! Mama!
:'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
:'''Baby Oyster''': Mama!
:'''Clamu''': Aww!
:''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]''
:'''All''': Awww... ''[They glare at Mr. Krabs]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[nervously]'' But it's... Free Day!
:''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]''

==Episode 13==
===''[[w:Shanghaied (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Shanghaied (13.1)]]''===
:'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinking. ''[notices SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Stop bouncing! ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me…
:'''SpongeBob''': You’re setting us free?
:'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! ''[leaves]''

===''[[w:Gary Takes a Bath|Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)]]''===
:''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]''
:'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages!
:''[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that.

==Episode 14==
===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)]]''===
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?''
:'''Plankton''': '''What?! ''WHAT?!?'''''
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.''
:'''Plankton''': ''WAIT, '''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!'''''
:'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.''

===''Frankendoodle (14.2)''===
:''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]''
:'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish!
:'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
:'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. ''[Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]''
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic!
:'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away!
:'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick?
:'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum.

==Episode 15==
===''The Secret Box (15.1)''===
:'''Patrick''': You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. ''[A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]''

===''[[w:Band Geeks|Band Geeks (15.2)]]''===
:'''Squidward''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– ''[blows clarinet]''
:'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
:'''Squidward''': ''[shocked]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
:'''Squilliam''': I heard you're playing the cash register now.
:'''Squidward''': Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
:'''Squilliam''': It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!
:'''Squidward''': The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...?
:'''Squilliam''': That's right! I'm living ''your'' dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
:'''Squidward''': Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...
:'''Squilliam''': I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!
:'''Squidward''': ''[angry at the comment] '''HOLD IT!''' [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up]'' It just so happens that I ''don't'' sell fast food! I ''do'' have a band, and we're going to play at ''that Bubble Bowl''! How do you like ''that'', Fancy'''''Boy?!'''''
:'''Squilliam''': Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... ''IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]''

==Episode 16==
===''[[w:Graveyard Shift (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Graveyard Shift (16.1)]]''===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! ''[gasps]'' It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with ''grease''! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
:'''Squidward''': No.
:'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we got customers!
:'''Squidward''': Here. ''[hands a baseball bat to a customer]'' Please hit me as hard as you can.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… ''[giggles]'' At night.
:'''Squidward''': ''[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat]'' Don't hold back.

===''[[w:Krusty Love|Krusty Love (16.2)]]''===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! ''[cries]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

==Episode 17==
===''Procrastination (17.1)''===
:'''Mail Fish''': Package for Mr. Squarepants.
:'''SpongeBob''': Great! Thanks. ''[trying to strike up a conversation]'' So, uh, you like delivering mail?
:'''Mail Fish''': It puts bread on the table.
:'''SpongeBob''': Rye or pumpernickel? ''[laughs]''
:'''Mail Fish''': Oh, brother.
:'''SpongeBob''': So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers ''his'' mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain--
:'''Mail Fish''': ''[interrupting]'' Don't you have a paper to write?

===''[[w:I'm with Stupid (SpongeBob SquarePants)|I'm with Stupid (17.2)]]''===
:'''Patrick''': You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do.&quot; ''[angrily]'' Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… ''[getting increasingly worked up]'' ...Or ''FABRICATE!''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[gently]'' But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. 
:''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
:'''Patrick''': No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse!
:'''SpongeBob''': Darn, I like the funnel.

==Episode 18==
===''[[w:Sailor Mouth|Sailor Mouth (18.1)]]''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13.
:'''Patrick''': That's a lot of bad words. ''[dolphin noise]''

===''Artist Unknown (18.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;I have no talent.&quot;
:'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.&quot;
:'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art.&quot; ''[Pause]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever.

==Episode 19==
===''Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)''=== 
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What don't you understand about &quot;More&quot;!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' More! More! More. More. More! More. More! ''[He grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! ''MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading &quot;Jellyfish Fields: Population 4 is seen. The word &quot;000,000&quot; is crossed out]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing!

===''The Fry Cook Games (19.2)''===
:'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the &quot;Laying Under a Rock All Day&quot; Games!
:'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' 
:'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!
:'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails!
:'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' I cannot believe what I am hearing!
:'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear it? You don't have ears either!
:'''Patrick''': ''[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes]'' Er... Holes, holes!
:'''SpongeBob''': Conehead!
:'''Patrick''': Yellow!
:'''SpongeBob''': Pink!

==Episode 20==
===''Squid on Strike (20.1)''===
:'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)''===
:'''Sandy''': Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]''
:'''SpongeBob''': You are.
:'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, &quot;''K''&quot; in &quot;karate&quot;?!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a &quot;U&quot;] You'' did.
:'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? ''[SpongeBob's backside reads &quot;Property of Sandy Cheeks&quot;]''
:'''SpongeBob''': You do.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}}

[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]]
[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Last words in Breaking Bad media</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>177905</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153293</id>
      <parentid>3152064</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:41:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>37.6.5.64</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Breaking Bad */Added</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13631" xml:space="preserve">Following are last words from shows in the fictional universe of ''[[Breaking Bad]]''.

==''Breaking Bad''==
===Season 1===
*'''I say we fuck them both.'''
** Who: Emilio Koyama
** Source: Pilot [Episode 1x1]
** Note: Character says this line when trying to convince his cousin, Krazy-8, to kill both Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. He is killed shortly afterward when Walt causes a chemical explosion which causes Emilio to suffocate on phosphine gas.

*'''Unlock me, Walter.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Krazy-8 Molina|&quot;Krazy-8&quot; Molina]]
** Source: &quot;...And the Bag's in the River&quot; [Episode 1x3]
** Note: Character says this before Walt garrotes him.

*'''No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#No Doze|&quot;No Doze&quot;]]
** Source: &quot;A No-Rough-Stuff Type Deal&quot; [Episode 1x7]
** Note: Character says this before being viciously and senselessly beaten by the drug kingpin Tuco Salamanca, in front of Walt and Jesse; character dies of his injuries shortly afterward.

===Season 2===
*'''Tell me what you did!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tuco Salamanca|Tuco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Grilled&quot; [Episode 2x2]
** Note: Character is addressing Walt before being struck with a rock. Shortly afterward he is shot by Hank Schrader.

*'''Skank!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Spooge|Spooge]]
** Source: &quot;Peekaboo&quot; [Episode 2x6]
** Note: Character says this before his head is crushed by an ATM machine.

*'''Thank you, boss.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tortuga|Tortuga]]
** Source: &quot;Negro y Azul&quot; [Episode 2x7]
** Note: Character says this shortly before he is decapitated by Marco Salamanca.

*'''What did I say? Get out of here! What are you waiting for? Go!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Combo Ortega|&quot;Combo&quot; Ortega]]
** Source: &quot;Mandala&quot; [Episode 2x11]
** Note: Character tells a young boy to leave the corner where he is dealing meth, unaware that the young boy is about to kill him at the beheast of rival dealers.

===Season 3===

*'''On your knees or I'll fire!'''
** Who: Deputy Bobby Kee
** Source: &quot;Sunset&quot; [Episode 3x6]
** Note: Character says this before he is struck with an axe by Marco Salamanca.

*'''Finish him.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Leonel Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before being poisoned by Mike Ehrmantraut in the following episode.

*'''Too easy.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Marco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot through the head by Hank.

*'''What the hell is going on?!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Juan Bolsa|Juan Bolsa]]
** Source: &quot;I See You&quot; [Episode 3x8]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot repeatedly at his front door by Mexican police.

*'''You don't have to do this.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gale Boetticher|Gale Boetticher]]
** Source: &quot;Full Measure&quot; [Episode 3x13]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in the head by Jesse.

===Season 4===
*'''All his bullshit aside, ballz it's called a cook, 'cause everything comes down to following a recipe. Simple, complicated, it doesn't matter. Steps never change, and I know every step.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Victor|Victor]]
** Source: &quot;Box Cutter&quot; [Episode 4x1]
** Note: Character says this while cooking a batch of methamphetamine, having learned by watching Walter; Gus Fring subsequently kills him by slicing his throat with a box cutter.

*'''Don Eladio, Gustavo didn't mean to offend. I know Gustavo like a brother. He's an honorable man. The most loyal man I have ever known. He rescued me from the Santiago slums. He made me the man I am today. Gustavo is a genius. He will make you millions. Just find it in your heart to forgive him this one small mistake. Please, he's my partner. I need him! I swear to God!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Maximino Arciniega|Maximino &quot;Max&quot; Arciniega]]
** Source: &quot;Hermanos&quot; [Episode 4x8]
** Note: In a flashback, Max, who is partnered with a young Gustavo Fring before being shot in the head by a Mexican drug kingpin, Hector Salamanca.

*'''''¿Tú?'''''
** Translation: '''You?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Don Eladio|Don Eladio]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to poisoning orchestrated by Gustavo Fring.

*'''''¡Salud!'''''
** Translation: '''To health!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gaff|Gaff]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this shortly before being garroted by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''It's all clear.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tyrus Kitt|Tyrus Kitt]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character contacts Gus via cell phone, telling him there is no danger in Hector Salamanca's nursing home; character subsequently dies in the bomb blast that kills Gus and Hector.

*'''Last chance to look at me, Hector.'''
** Who: [[w:Gus Fring|Gus Fring]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character speaks to a now-invalid Hector Salamanca, realizing too late that Walt has helped the elderly kingpin rig a bomb on his wheelchair. 

*'''[''Ding ding ding ding ding ding''...]'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character dies in the bomb blast that is triggered by his signature bell that he uses to communicate.

===Season 5===
*'''''Ja, Frau Tromel.'''''
** Translation: '''Yes, Ms.Tromel.'''
** Who: Peter Schuler
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character says this shortly before committing suicide by defibrillator. 

*'''Listen, Mike&amp;mdash;'''
** Who: Chris Mara
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character, a hitman, says this before he is killed by Mike.

*'''Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike Ehrmantraut]]
** Source: &quot;Say My Name&quot; [Episode 5x7]
** Note: Character says this to Walt, who has shot him.

*'''Help me!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Dennis Markowski|Dennis Markowski]]
** Source: &quot;Gliding Over All&quot; [Episode 5x8]
** Note: Character says this before being burned alive in his jail cell on Walter's orders.

*'''You heard the man! Put 'em down!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Steven Gomez|Steven Gomez]]
** Source: &quot;To'ohajiilee&quot; [Episode 5x13]
** Note: Character's last words spoken before being killed off-screen in a shootout with Jack Welker's gang.

*'''You're the smartest guy I ever met, and you're too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago. Do what you're gonna d&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:Hank Schrader|Hank Schrader]]
** Source: &quot;Ozymandias&quot; [Episode 5x14]
** Note: Character, addressing Walt, says this before being executed by Jack.

*'''Where?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Andrea Cantillo|Andrea Cantillo]]
** Source: &quot;Granite State&quot; [Episode 5x15]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Todd Alquist.

*'''Yeah, Toddy, get them both off!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Kenny|Kenny]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Walter's machine gun.

*'''Jesus. Mr. White...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Todd Alquist|Todd Alquist]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before having his neck broken by Jesse.

*'''Wait... wait... You want your money, right? You wanna know where it is? You pull that trigger, you'll never&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Jack Welker|Jack Welker]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Walt.

*'''Oh my God...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Lydia Rodarte-Quayle|Lydia Rodarte-Quayle]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this after learning that Walt has poisoned her with ricin.

*'''Well... goodbye, Lydia.'''
** Who: [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter White]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before dying from a gunshot wound.

==''Better Call Saul''==
===Season 1===
*'''What do we do, man?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Troy Hoffman|Troy Hoffman]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''He's drinking himself to death. We're doing him a favor.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Jack Fensky|Jack Fensky]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character's last known words before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''This was the greatest week of my life.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Marco Pasternak|Marco Pasternak]]
** Source: &quot;Marco&quot; [Episode 1x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to a heart attack.

===Season 2===
*'''Jimmy…'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ruth McGill|Ruth McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character, the mother of Jimmy and Chuck McGill, says this on her deathbed.

*'''''¡Por favor!'''''
** Translation: '''Please!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ximinez Lacerda|Ximinez Lacerda]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character says this before he is executed by Leonel and Marco Salamanca.

===Season 3===
*'''It is! It is personal!'''
** Who: [[w:Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before having a stroke rendering him unable to speak.
*'''Yes, hello. This is Charles McGill, I have a 3:00 with Dr. Cruz today. Uh, yes, well, w-would you tell her that something's come up and I'm not able to come in today? No, no need to reschedule, I'll just see her next week. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:Chuck McGill|Chuck McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before committing suicide by kicking over a gas lantern and letting his house catch fire in a later scene.

===Season 4===
*'''That's how you do it. We had them pissing their pants.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Arturo|Arturo]]
** Source: &quot;Breathe&quot; [Episode 4x02]
** Note: Character says this before being subdued and suffocated to death by Gus Fring.

*'''Have a great day. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Fred Whalen|Fred Whalen]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words, on the phone with a customer, before being killed by Lalo Salamanca off-screen.

*'''There are so many stars visible in New Mexico. I will walk out there to get a better look.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Werner Ziegler|Werner Ziegler]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being executed by Mike.

===Season 5===
*'''''Jefe, lo juro por Dios, me compré un encendedor. ¿Ver? ¡No fui yo!'''''
** Translation: '''Boss, I swear to God, I got myself a lighter. See? It wasn't me!'''
** Who: Ciro
** Source: &quot;Something Unforgivable&quot; [5x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed in the assault on Lalo's compound.

===Season 6===
*'''''¿Estás seguro del desayuno?'''''
** Translation: '''You're sure about breakfast?'''
** Who: Sylvia Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''''¿Todo está bien?'''''
** Translation: '''It's all right?'''
** Who: Mateo Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''There's no refunds, asshole.'''
** Who: Human trafficker
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character says this before being shot offscreen by Lalo.

*'''Him? You think the Chicken Man? Heh. What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years – ''years''. But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, you think of ''ME'', you twisted fuck.'''
** Who: [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio &quot;Nacho&quot; Varga]]
** Source: &quot;Rock and Hard Place&quot; [Episode 6x03]
** Note: Character addresses Hector, Marco and Leonel Salamanca shortly before he shoots himself in the head.

*'''I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to–'''
** Who: [[w:Howard Hamlin|Howard Hamlin]]
** Source: &quot;Plan and Execution&quot; [Episode 6x07]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Lalo Salamanca.

*'''Big talk. You done?'''
** Who: [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Point and Shoot&quot; [Episode 6x08]
** Note: Character says this before being shot through the throat by Gus Fring.

==''[[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie|El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie]]''==
*'''You ready?'''
** Who: Neil Kandy
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in a duel with Jesse Pinkman.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Breaking Bad]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153295</id>
      <parentid>3153293</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:46:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Md. Golam Mukit Khan</username>
        <id>3034089</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Undid edits by [[Special:Contribs/37.6.5.64|37.6.5.64]] ([[User talk:37.6.5.64|talk]]) to last version by 135.23.61.80</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13630" xml:space="preserve">Following are last words from shows in the fictional universe of ''[[Breaking Bad]]''.

==''Breaking Bad''==
===Season 1===
*'''I say we cap them both.'''
** Who: Emilio Koyama
** Source: Pilot [Episode 1x1]
** Note: Character says this line when trying to convince his cousin, Krazy-8, to kill both Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. He is killed shortly afterward when Walt causes a chemical explosion which causes Emilio to suffocate on phosphine gas.

*'''Unlock me, Walter.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Krazy-8 Molina|&quot;Krazy-8&quot; Molina]]
** Source: &quot;...And the Bag's in the River&quot; [Episode 1x3]
** Note: Character says this before Walt garrotes him.

*'''No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#No Doze|&quot;No Doze&quot;]]
** Source: &quot;A No-Rough-Stuff Type Deal&quot; [Episode 1x7]
** Note: Character says this before being viciously and senselessly beaten by the drug kingpin Tuco Salamanca, in front of Walt and Jesse; character dies of his injuries shortly afterward.

===Season 2===
*'''Tell me what you did!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tuco Salamanca|Tuco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Grilled&quot; [Episode 2x2]
** Note: Character is addressing Walt before being struck with a rock. Shortly afterward he is shot by Hank Schrader.

*'''Skank!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Spooge|Spooge]]
** Source: &quot;Peekaboo&quot; [Episode 2x6]
** Note: Character says this before his head is crushed by an ATM machine.

*'''Thank you, boss.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tortuga|Tortuga]]
** Source: &quot;Negro y Azul&quot; [Episode 2x7]
** Note: Character says this shortly before he is decapitated by Marco Salamanca.

*'''What did I say? Get out of here! What are you waiting for? Go!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Combo Ortega|&quot;Combo&quot; Ortega]]
** Source: &quot;Mandala&quot; [Episode 2x11]
** Note: Character tells a young boy to leave the corner where he is dealing meth, unaware that the young boy is about to kill him at the beheast of rival dealers.

===Season 3===

*'''On your knees or I'll fire!'''
** Who: Deputy Bobby Kee
** Source: &quot;Sunset&quot; [Episode 3x6]
** Note: Character says this before he is struck with an axe by Marco Salamanca.

*'''Finish him.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Leonel Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before being poisoned by Mike Ehrmantraut in the following episode.

*'''Too easy.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Marco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot through the head by Hank.

*'''What the hell is going on?!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Juan Bolsa|Juan Bolsa]]
** Source: &quot;I See You&quot; [Episode 3x8]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot repeatedly at his front door by Mexican police.

*'''You don't have to do this.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gale Boetticher|Gale Boetticher]]
** Source: &quot;Full Measure&quot; [Episode 3x13]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in the head by Jesse.

===Season 4===
*'''All his bullshit aside, ballz it's called a cook, 'cause everything comes down to following a recipe. Simple, complicated, it doesn't matter. Steps never change, and I know every step.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Victor|Victor]]
** Source: &quot;Box Cutter&quot; [Episode 4x1]
** Note: Character says this while cooking a batch of methamphetamine, having learned by watching Walter; Gus Fring subsequently kills him by slicing his throat with a box cutter.

*'''Don Eladio, Gustavo didn't mean to offend. I know Gustavo like a brother. He's an honorable man. The most loyal man I have ever known. He rescued me from the Santiago slums. He made me the man I am today. Gustavo is a genius. He will make you millions. Just find it in your heart to forgive him this one small mistake. Please, he's my partner. I need him! I swear to God!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Maximino Arciniega|Maximino &quot;Max&quot; Arciniega]]
** Source: &quot;Hermanos&quot; [Episode 4x8]
** Note: In a flashback, Max, who is partnered with a young Gustavo Fring before being shot in the head by a Mexican drug kingpin, Hector Salamanca.

*'''''¿Tú?'''''
** Translation: '''You?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Don Eladio|Don Eladio]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to poisoning orchestrated by Gustavo Fring.

*'''''¡Salud!'''''
** Translation: '''To health!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gaff|Gaff]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this shortly before being garroted by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''It's all clear.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tyrus Kitt|Tyrus Kitt]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character contacts Gus via cell phone, telling him there is no danger in Hector Salamanca's nursing home; character subsequently dies in the bomb blast that kills Gus and Hector.

*'''Last chance to look at me, Hector.'''
** Who: [[w:Gus Fring|Gus Fring]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character speaks to a now-invalid Hector Salamanca, realizing too late that Walt has helped the elderly kingpin rig a bomb on his wheelchair. 

*'''[''Ding ding ding ding ding ding''...]'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character dies in the bomb blast that is triggered by his signature bell that he uses to communicate.

===Season 5===
*'''''Ja, Frau Tromel.'''''
** Translation: '''Yes, Ms.Tromel.'''
** Who: Peter Schuler
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character says this shortly before committing suicide by defibrillator. 

*'''Listen, Mike&amp;mdash;'''
** Who: Chris Mara
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character, a hitman, says this before he is killed by Mike.

*'''Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike Ehrmantraut]]
** Source: &quot;Say My Name&quot; [Episode 5x7]
** Note: Character says this to Walt, who has shot him.

*'''Help me!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Dennis Markowski|Dennis Markowski]]
** Source: &quot;Gliding Over All&quot; [Episode 5x8]
** Note: Character says this before being burned alive in his jail cell on Walter's orders.

*'''You heard the man! Put 'em down!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Steven Gomez|Steven Gomez]]
** Source: &quot;To'ohajiilee&quot; [Episode 5x13]
** Note: Character's last words spoken before being killed off-screen in a shootout with Jack Welker's gang.

*'''You're the smartest guy I ever met, and you're too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago. Do what you're gonna d&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:Hank Schrader|Hank Schrader]]
** Source: &quot;Ozymandias&quot; [Episode 5x14]
** Note: Character, addressing Walt, says this before being executed by Jack.

*'''Where?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Andrea Cantillo|Andrea Cantillo]]
** Source: &quot;Granite State&quot; [Episode 5x15]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Todd Alquist.

*'''Yeah, Toddy, get them both off!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Kenny|Kenny]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Walter's machine gun.

*'''Jesus. Mr. White...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Todd Alquist|Todd Alquist]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before having his neck broken by Jesse.

*'''Wait... wait... You want your money, right? You wanna know where it is? You pull that trigger, you'll never&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Jack Welker|Jack Welker]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Walt.

*'''Oh my God...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Lydia Rodarte-Quayle|Lydia Rodarte-Quayle]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this after learning that Walt has poisoned her with ricin.

*'''Well... goodbye, Lydia.'''
** Who: [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter White]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before dying from a gunshot wound.

==''Better Call Saul''==
===Season 1===
*'''What do we do, man?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Troy Hoffman|Troy Hoffman]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''He's drinking himself to death. We're doing him a favor.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Jack Fensky|Jack Fensky]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character's last known words before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''This was the greatest week of my life.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Marco Pasternak|Marco Pasternak]]
** Source: &quot;Marco&quot; [Episode 1x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to a heart attack.

===Season 2===
*'''Jimmy…'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ruth McGill|Ruth McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character, the mother of Jimmy and Chuck McGill, says this on her deathbed.

*'''''¡Por favor!'''''
** Translation: '''Please!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ximinez Lacerda|Ximinez Lacerda]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character says this before he is executed by Leonel and Marco Salamanca.

===Season 3===
*'''It is! It is personal!'''
** Who: [[w:Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before having a stroke rendering him unable to speak.
*'''Yes, hello. This is Charles McGill, I have a 3:00 with Dr. Cruz today. Uh, yes, well, w-would you tell her that something's come up and I'm not able to come in today? No, no need to reschedule, I'll just see her next week. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:Chuck McGill|Chuck McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before committing suicide by kicking over a gas lantern and letting his house catch fire in a later scene.

===Season 4===
*'''That's how you do it. We had them pissing their pants.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Arturo|Arturo]]
** Source: &quot;Breathe&quot; [Episode 4x02]
** Note: Character says this before being subdued and suffocated to death by Gus Fring.

*'''Have a great day. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Fred Whalen|Fred Whalen]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words, on the phone with a customer, before being killed by Lalo Salamanca off-screen.

*'''There are so many stars visible in New Mexico. I will walk out there to get a better look.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Werner Ziegler|Werner Ziegler]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being executed by Mike.

===Season 5===
*'''''Jefe, lo juro por Dios, me compré un encendedor. ¿Ver? ¡No fui yo!'''''
** Translation: '''Boss, I swear to God, I got myself a lighter. See? It wasn't me!'''
** Who: Ciro
** Source: &quot;Something Unforgivable&quot; [5x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed in the assault on Lalo's compound.

===Season 6===
*'''''¿Estás seguro del desayuno?'''''
** Translation: '''You're sure about breakfast?'''
** Who: Sylvia Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''''¿Todo está bien?'''''
** Translation: '''It's all right?'''
** Who: Mateo Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''There's no refunds, asshole.'''
** Who: Human trafficker
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character says this before being shot offscreen by Lalo.

*'''Him? You think the Chicken Man? Heh. What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years – ''years''. But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, you think of ''ME'', you twisted fuck.'''
** Who: [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio &quot;Nacho&quot; Varga]]
** Source: &quot;Rock and Hard Place&quot; [Episode 6x03]
** Note: Character addresses Hector, Marco and Leonel Salamanca shortly before he shoots himself in the head.

*'''I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to–'''
** Who: [[w:Howard Hamlin|Howard Hamlin]]
** Source: &quot;Plan and Execution&quot; [Episode 6x07]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Lalo Salamanca.

*'''Big talk. You done?'''
** Who: [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Point and Shoot&quot; [Episode 6x08]
** Note: Character says this before being shot through the throat by Gus Fring.

==''[[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie|El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie]]''==
*'''You ready?'''
** Who: Neil Kandy
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in a duel with Jesse Pinkman.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Breaking Bad]]</text>
      <sha1>o4n56shpdvqsnjn1msi9mc3f21ylo3f</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153489</id>
      <parentid>3153295</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T08:59:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>24.134.246.185</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Season 2 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13622" xml:space="preserve">Following are last words from shows in the fictional universe of ''[[Breaking Bad]]''.

==''Breaking Bad''==
===Season 1===
*'''I say we cap them both.'''
** Who: Emilio Koyama
** Source: Pilot [Episode 1x1]
** Note: Character says this line when trying to convince his cousin, Krazy-8, to kill both Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. He is killed shortly afterward when Walt causes a chemical explosion which causes Emilio to suffocate on phosphine gas.

*'''Unlock me, Walter.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Krazy-8 Molina|&quot;Krazy-8&quot; Molina]]
** Source: &quot;...And the Bag's in the River&quot; [Episode 1x3]
** Note: Character says this before Walt garrotes him.

*'''No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#No Doze|&quot;No Doze&quot;]]
** Source: &quot;A No-Rough-Stuff Type Deal&quot; [Episode 1x7]
** Note: Character says this before being viciously and senselessly beaten by the drug kingpin Tuco Salamanca, in front of Walt and Jesse; character dies of his injuries shortly afterward.

===Season 2===
*'''Tell me what you did!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tuco Salamanca|Tuco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Grilled&quot; [Episode 2x2]
** Note: Character is addressing Walt before being struck with a rock. Shortly afterward he is shot by Hank Schrader.

*'''Skank!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Spooge|Spooge]]
** Source: &quot;Peekaboo&quot; [Episode 2x6]
** Note: Character says this before his head is crushed by an ATM.

*'''Thank you, boss.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tortuga|Tortuga]]
** Source: &quot;Negro y Azul&quot; [Episode 2x7]
** Note: Character says this shortly before he is decapitated by Marco Salamanca.

*'''What did I say? Get out of here! What are you waiting for? Go!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Combo Ortega|&quot;Combo&quot; Ortega]]
** Source: &quot;Mandala&quot; [Episode 2x11]
** Note: Character tells a young boy to leave the corner where he is dealing meth, unaware that the young boy is about to kill him at the beheast of rival dealers.

===Season 3===

*'''On your knees or I'll fire!'''
** Who: Deputy Bobby Kee
** Source: &quot;Sunset&quot; [Episode 3x6]
** Note: Character says this before he is struck with an axe by Marco Salamanca.

*'''Finish him.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Leonel Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before being poisoned by Mike Ehrmantraut in the following episode.

*'''Too easy.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Marco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot through the head by Hank.

*'''What the hell is going on?!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Juan Bolsa|Juan Bolsa]]
** Source: &quot;I See You&quot; [Episode 3x8]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot repeatedly at his front door by Mexican police.

*'''You don't have to do this.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gale Boetticher|Gale Boetticher]]
** Source: &quot;Full Measure&quot; [Episode 3x13]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in the head by Jesse.

===Season 4===
*'''All his bullshit aside, ballz it's called a cook, 'cause everything comes down to following a recipe. Simple, complicated, it doesn't matter. Steps never change, and I know every step.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Victor|Victor]]
** Source: &quot;Box Cutter&quot; [Episode 4x1]
** Note: Character says this while cooking a batch of methamphetamine, having learned by watching Walter; Gus Fring subsequently kills him by slicing his throat with a box cutter.

*'''Don Eladio, Gustavo didn't mean to offend. I know Gustavo like a brother. He's an honorable man. The most loyal man I have ever known. He rescued me from the Santiago slums. He made me the man I am today. Gustavo is a genius. He will make you millions. Just find it in your heart to forgive him this one small mistake. Please, he's my partner. I need him! I swear to God!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Maximino Arciniega|Maximino &quot;Max&quot; Arciniega]]
** Source: &quot;Hermanos&quot; [Episode 4x8]
** Note: In a flashback, Max, who is partnered with a young Gustavo Fring before being shot in the head by a Mexican drug kingpin, Hector Salamanca.

*'''''¿Tú?'''''
** Translation: '''You?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Don Eladio|Don Eladio]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to poisoning orchestrated by Gustavo Fring.

*'''''¡Salud!'''''
** Translation: '''To health!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gaff|Gaff]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this shortly before being garroted by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''It's all clear.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tyrus Kitt|Tyrus Kitt]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character contacts Gus via cell phone, telling him there is no danger in Hector Salamanca's nursing home; character subsequently dies in the bomb blast that kills Gus and Hector.

*'''Last chance to look at me, Hector.'''
** Who: [[w:Gus Fring|Gus Fring]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character speaks to a now-invalid Hector Salamanca, realizing too late that Walt has helped the elderly kingpin rig a bomb on his wheelchair. 

*'''[''Ding ding ding ding ding ding''...]'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character dies in the bomb blast that is triggered by his signature bell that he uses to communicate.

===Season 5===
*'''''Ja, Frau Tromel.'''''
** Translation: '''Yes, Ms.Tromel.'''
** Who: Peter Schuler
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character says this shortly before committing suicide by defibrillator. 

*'''Listen, Mike&amp;mdash;'''
** Who: Chris Mara
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character, a hitman, says this before he is killed by Mike.

*'''Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike Ehrmantraut]]
** Source: &quot;Say My Name&quot; [Episode 5x7]
** Note: Character says this to Walt, who has shot him.

*'''Help me!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Dennis Markowski|Dennis Markowski]]
** Source: &quot;Gliding Over All&quot; [Episode 5x8]
** Note: Character says this before being burned alive in his jail cell on Walter's orders.

*'''You heard the man! Put 'em down!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Steven Gomez|Steven Gomez]]
** Source: &quot;To'ohajiilee&quot; [Episode 5x13]
** Note: Character's last words spoken before being killed off-screen in a shootout with Jack Welker's gang.

*'''You're the smartest guy I ever met, and you're too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago. Do what you're gonna d&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:Hank Schrader|Hank Schrader]]
** Source: &quot;Ozymandias&quot; [Episode 5x14]
** Note: Character, addressing Walt, says this before being executed by Jack.

*'''Where?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Andrea Cantillo|Andrea Cantillo]]
** Source: &quot;Granite State&quot; [Episode 5x15]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Todd Alquist.

*'''Yeah, Toddy, get them both off!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Kenny|Kenny]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Walter's machine gun.

*'''Jesus. Mr. White...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Todd Alquist|Todd Alquist]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before having his neck broken by Jesse.

*'''Wait... wait... You want your money, right? You wanna know where it is? You pull that trigger, you'll never&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Jack Welker|Jack Welker]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Walt.

*'''Oh my God...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Lydia Rodarte-Quayle|Lydia Rodarte-Quayle]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this after learning that Walt has poisoned her with ricin.

*'''Well... goodbye, Lydia.'''
** Who: [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter White]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before dying from a gunshot wound.

==''Better Call Saul''==
===Season 1===
*'''What do we do, man?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Troy Hoffman|Troy Hoffman]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''He's drinking himself to death. We're doing him a favor.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Jack Fensky|Jack Fensky]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character's last known words before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''This was the greatest week of my life.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Marco Pasternak|Marco Pasternak]]
** Source: &quot;Marco&quot; [Episode 1x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to a heart attack.

===Season 2===
*'''Jimmy…'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ruth McGill|Ruth McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character, the mother of Jimmy and Chuck McGill, says this on her deathbed.

*'''''¡Por favor!'''''
** Translation: '''Please!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ximinez Lacerda|Ximinez Lacerda]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character says this before he is executed by Leonel and Marco Salamanca.

===Season 3===
*'''It is! It is personal!'''
** Who: [[w:Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before having a stroke rendering him unable to speak.
*'''Yes, hello. This is Charles McGill, I have a 3:00 with Dr. Cruz today. Uh, yes, well, w-would you tell her that something's come up and I'm not able to come in today? No, no need to reschedule, I'll just see her next week. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:Chuck McGill|Chuck McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before committing suicide by kicking over a gas lantern and letting his house catch fire in a later scene.

===Season 4===
*'''That's how you do it. We had them pissing their pants.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Arturo|Arturo]]
** Source: &quot;Breathe&quot; [Episode 4x02]
** Note: Character says this before being subdued and suffocated to death by Gus Fring.

*'''Have a great day. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Fred Whalen|Fred Whalen]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words, on the phone with a customer, before being killed by Lalo Salamanca off-screen.

*'''There are so many stars visible in New Mexico. I will walk out there to get a better look.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Werner Ziegler|Werner Ziegler]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being executed by Mike.

===Season 5===
*'''''Jefe, lo juro por Dios, me compré un encendedor. ¿Ver? ¡No fui yo!'''''
** Translation: '''Boss, I swear to God, I got myself a lighter. See? It wasn't me!'''
** Who: Ciro
** Source: &quot;Something Unforgivable&quot; [5x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed in the assault on Lalo's compound.

===Season 6===
*'''''¿Estás seguro del desayuno?'''''
** Translation: '''You're sure about breakfast?'''
** Who: Sylvia Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''''¿Todo está bien?'''''
** Translation: '''It's all right?'''
** Who: Mateo Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''There's no refunds, asshole.'''
** Who: Human trafficker
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character says this before being shot offscreen by Lalo.

*'''Him? You think the Chicken Man? Heh. What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years – ''years''. But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, you think of ''ME'', you twisted fuck.'''
** Who: [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio &quot;Nacho&quot; Varga]]
** Source: &quot;Rock and Hard Place&quot; [Episode 6x03]
** Note: Character addresses Hector, Marco and Leonel Salamanca shortly before he shoots himself in the head.

*'''I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to–'''
** Who: [[w:Howard Hamlin|Howard Hamlin]]
** Source: &quot;Plan and Execution&quot; [Episode 6x07]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Lalo Salamanca.

*'''Big talk. You done?'''
** Who: [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Point and Shoot&quot; [Episode 6x08]
** Note: Character says this before being shot through the throat by Gus Fring.

==''[[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie|El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie]]''==
*'''You ready?'''
** Who: Neil Kandy
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in a duel with Jesse Pinkman.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Breaking Bad]]</text>
      <sha1>cvwvsnj02u0uppdvav8rljkv7ql0qn9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153490</id>
      <parentid>3153489</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T09:01:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>24.134.246.185</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Season 5 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13623" xml:space="preserve">Following are last words from shows in the fictional universe of ''[[Breaking Bad]]''.

==''Breaking Bad''==
===Season 1===
*'''I say we cap them both.'''
** Who: Emilio Koyama
** Source: Pilot [Episode 1x1]
** Note: Character says this line when trying to convince his cousin, Krazy-8, to kill both Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. He is killed shortly afterward when Walt causes a chemical explosion which causes Emilio to suffocate on phosphine gas.

*'''Unlock me, Walter.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Krazy-8 Molina|&quot;Krazy-8&quot; Molina]]
** Source: &quot;...And the Bag's in the River&quot; [Episode 1x3]
** Note: Character says this before Walt garrotes him.

*'''No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#No Doze|&quot;No Doze&quot;]]
** Source: &quot;A No-Rough-Stuff Type Deal&quot; [Episode 1x7]
** Note: Character says this before being viciously and senselessly beaten by the drug kingpin Tuco Salamanca, in front of Walt and Jesse; character dies of his injuries shortly afterward.

===Season 2===
*'''Tell me what you did!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tuco Salamanca|Tuco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Grilled&quot; [Episode 2x2]
** Note: Character is addressing Walt before being struck with a rock. Shortly afterward he is shot by Hank Schrader.

*'''Skank!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Spooge|Spooge]]
** Source: &quot;Peekaboo&quot; [Episode 2x6]
** Note: Character says this before his head is crushed by an ATM.

*'''Thank you, boss.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tortuga|Tortuga]]
** Source: &quot;Negro y Azul&quot; [Episode 2x7]
** Note: Character says this shortly before he is decapitated by Marco Salamanca.

*'''What did I say? Get out of here! What are you waiting for? Go!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Combo Ortega|&quot;Combo&quot; Ortega]]
** Source: &quot;Mandala&quot; [Episode 2x11]
** Note: Character tells a young boy to leave the corner where he is dealing meth, unaware that the young boy is about to kill him at the beheast of rival dealers.

===Season 3===

*'''On your knees or I'll fire!'''
** Who: Deputy Bobby Kee
** Source: &quot;Sunset&quot; [Episode 3x6]
** Note: Character says this before he is struck with an axe by Marco Salamanca.

*'''Finish him.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Leonel Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before being poisoned by Mike Ehrmantraut in the following episode.

*'''Too easy.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Leonel and Marco Salamanca|Marco Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;One Minute&quot; [Episode 3x7]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot through the head by Hank.

*'''What the hell is going on?!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Juan Bolsa|Juan Bolsa]]
** Source: &quot;I See You&quot; [Episode 3x8]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot repeatedly at his front door by Mexican police.

*'''You don't have to do this.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gale Boetticher|Gale Boetticher]]
** Source: &quot;Full Measure&quot; [Episode 3x13]
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in the head by Jesse.

===Season 4===
*'''All his bullshit aside, ballz it's called a cook, 'cause everything comes down to following a recipe. Simple, complicated, it doesn't matter. Steps never change, and I know every step.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Victor|Victor]]
** Source: &quot;Box Cutter&quot; [Episode 4x1]
** Note: Character says this while cooking a batch of methamphetamine, having learned by watching Walter; Gus Fring subsequently kills him by slicing his throat with a box cutter.

*'''Don Eladio, Gustavo didn't mean to offend. I know Gustavo like a brother. He's an honorable man. The most loyal man I have ever known. He rescued me from the Santiago slums. He made me the man I am today. Gustavo is a genius. He will make you millions. Just find it in your heart to forgive him this one small mistake. Please, he's my partner. I need him! I swear to God!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Maximino Arciniega|Maximino &quot;Max&quot; Arciniega]]
** Source: &quot;Hermanos&quot; [Episode 4x8]
** Note: In a flashback, Max, who is partnered with a young Gustavo Fring before being shot in the head by a Mexican drug kingpin, Hector Salamanca.

*'''''¿Tú?'''''
** Translation: '''You?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Don Eladio|Don Eladio]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to poisoning orchestrated by Gustavo Fring.

*'''''¡Salud!'''''
** Translation: '''To health!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Gaff|Gaff]]
** Source: &quot;Salud&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character says this shortly before being garroted by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''It's all clear.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Tyrus Kitt|Tyrus Kitt]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character contacts Gus via cell phone, telling him there is no danger in Hector Salamanca's nursing home; character subsequently dies in the bomb blast that kills Gus and Hector.

*'''Last chance to look at me, Hector.'''
** Who: [[w:Gus Fring|Gus Fring]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character speaks to a now-invalid Hector Salamanca, realizing too late that Walt has helped the elderly kingpin rig a bomb on his wheelchair. 

*'''[''Ding ding ding ding ding ding''...]'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Face Off&quot; [Episode 4x13]
** Note: Character dies in the bomb blast that is triggered by his signature bell that he uses to communicate.

===Season 5===
*'''''Ja, Frau Tromel.'''''
** Translation: '''Yes, Ms. Tromel.'''
** Who: Peter Schuler
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character says this shortly before committing suicide by defibrillator. 

*'''Listen, Mike&amp;mdash;'''
** Who: Chris Mara
** Source: &quot;Madrigal&quot; [Episode 5x2]
** Note: Character, a hitman, says this before he is killed by Mike.

*'''Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike Ehrmantraut]]
** Source: &quot;Say My Name&quot; [Episode 5x7]
** Note: Character says this to Walt, who has shot him.

*'''Help me!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Dennis Markowski|Dennis Markowski]]
** Source: &quot;Gliding Over All&quot; [Episode 5x8]
** Note: Character says this before being burned alive in his jail cell on Walter's orders.

*'''You heard the man! Put 'em down!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Steven Gomez|Steven Gomez]]
** Source: &quot;To'ohajiilee&quot; [Episode 5x13]
** Note: Character's last words spoken before being killed off-screen in a shootout with Jack Welker's gang.

*'''You're the smartest guy I ever met, and you're too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago. Do what you're gonna d&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:Hank Schrader|Hank Schrader]]
** Source: &quot;Ozymandias&quot; [Episode 5x14]
** Note: Character, addressing Walt, says this before being executed by Jack.

*'''Where?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Andrea Cantillo|Andrea Cantillo]]
** Source: &quot;Granite State&quot; [Episode 5x15]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Todd Alquist.

*'''Yeah, Toddy, get them both off!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Kenny|Kenny]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Walter's machine gun.

*'''Jesus. Mr. White...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Todd Alquist|Todd Alquist]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before having his neck broken by Jesse.

*'''Wait... wait... You want your money, right? You wanna know where it is? You pull that trigger, you'll never&amp;ndash;'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Jack Welker|Jack Welker]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Walt.

*'''Oh my God...'''
** Who: [[w:List of Breaking Bad characters#Lydia Rodarte-Quayle|Lydia Rodarte-Quayle]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character says this after learning that Walt has poisoned her with ricin.

*'''Well... goodbye, Lydia.'''
** Who: [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter White]]
** Source: &quot;Felina&quot; [Episode 5x16]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before dying from a gunshot wound.

==''Better Call Saul''==
===Season 1===
*'''What do we do, man?'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Troy Hoffman|Troy Hoffman]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character says this before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''He's drinking himself to death. We're doing him a favor.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Jack Fensky|Jack Fensky]]
** Source: &quot;Five-O&quot; [Episode 1x06]
** Note: Character's last known words before being shot by Mike Ehrmantraut.

*'''This was the greatest week of my life.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Marco Pasternak|Marco Pasternak]]
** Source: &quot;Marco&quot; [Episode 1x10]
** Note: Character says this before succumbing to a heart attack.

===Season 2===
*'''Jimmy…'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ruth McGill|Ruth McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character, the mother of Jimmy and Chuck McGill, says this on her deathbed.

*'''''¡Por favor!'''''
** Translation: '''Please!'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Ximinez Lacerda|Ximinez Lacerda]]
** Source: &quot;Klick&quot; [Episode 2x10]
** Note: Character says this before he is executed by Leonel and Marco Salamanca.

===Season 3===
*'''It is! It is personal!'''
** Who: [[w:Hector Salamanca|Hector Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before having a stroke rendering him unable to speak.
*'''Yes, hello. This is Charles McGill, I have a 3:00 with Dr. Cruz today. Uh, yes, well, w-would you tell her that something's come up and I'm not able to come in today? No, no need to reschedule, I'll just see her next week. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:Chuck McGill|Chuck McGill]]
** Source: &quot;Lantern&quot; [Episode 3x10]
** Note: Character's last spoken words before committing suicide by kicking over a gas lantern and letting his house catch fire in a later scene.

===Season 4===
*'''That's how you do it. We had them pissing their pants.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Arturo|Arturo]]
** Source: &quot;Breathe&quot; [Episode 4x02]
** Note: Character says this before being subdued and suffocated to death by Gus Fring.

*'''Have a great day. Thank you.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Fred Whalen|Fred Whalen]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words, on the phone with a customer, before being killed by Lalo Salamanca off-screen.

*'''There are so many stars visible in New Mexico. I will walk out there to get a better look.'''
** Who: [[w:List of Better Call Saul characters#Werner Ziegler|Werner Ziegler]]
** Source: &quot;Winner&quot; [Episode 4x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being executed by Mike.

===Season 5===
*'''''Jefe, lo juro por Dios, me compré un encendedor. ¿Ver? ¡No fui yo!'''''
** Translation: '''Boss, I swear to God, I got myself a lighter. See? It wasn't me!'''
** Who: Ciro
** Source: &quot;Something Unforgivable&quot; [5x10]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed in the assault on Lalo's compound.

===Season 6===
*'''''¿Estás seguro del desayuno?'''''
** Translation: '''You're sure about breakfast?'''
** Who: Sylvia Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''''¿Todo está bien?'''''
** Translation: '''It's all right?'''
** Who: Mateo Ramos
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character's last words before being killed offscreen by Lalo.

*'''There's no refunds, asshole.'''
** Who: Human trafficker
** Source: &quot;Wine and Roses&quot; [6x01]
** Note: Character says this before being shot offscreen by Lalo.

*'''Him? You think the Chicken Man? Heh. What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years – ''years''. But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, you think of ''ME'', you twisted fuck.'''
** Who: [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio &quot;Nacho&quot; Varga]]
** Source: &quot;Rock and Hard Place&quot; [Episode 6x03]
** Note: Character addresses Hector, Marco and Leonel Salamanca shortly before he shoots himself in the head.

*'''I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to–'''
** Who: [[w:Howard Hamlin|Howard Hamlin]]
** Source: &quot;Plan and Execution&quot; [Episode 6x07]
** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Lalo Salamanca.

*'''Big talk. You done?'''
** Who: [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo Salamanca]]
** Source: &quot;Point and Shoot&quot; [Episode 6x08]
** Note: Character says this before being shot through the throat by Gus Fring.

==''[[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie|El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie]]''==
*'''You ready?'''
** Who: Neil Kandy
** Note: Character's last words before being shot in a duel with Jesse Pinkman.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Breaking Bad]]</text>
      <sha1>kdtqe9e17kadef7o0fmxzhwwevao7cw</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 10</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>178252</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153463</id>
      <parentid>3148909</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:46:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>49.224.209.79</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Settling a Not-So Old Score! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18751" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl (advertised as Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the tenth season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Following A Maiden's Voyage! ==
:'''Dawn''': No need to worry, mom!

== Two Degrees of Separation! ==
:'''Giovanni''': Though your plans won't buy me a cup of coffee, I have wanted to set up shop there. Do your best.
:'''Jessie''': Don't we always?
:'''Giovanni''': That's what I'm afraid of!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': ''[Angry with Pikachu, after Pikachu accidentally roasts her bike with its thunderbolt]'' WELL, THANKS A LOT! I'M DEFINITELY GONNA CATCH YOU AFTER THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, chill out.
:'''Piplup''': PIP?! PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:'''Dawn''': WELL, YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHY WE DIDN'T CATCH ANY POKÉMON!
:'''Piplup''': PIPLUP, PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:''[Piplup angrily starts pecking Dawn in the head with it's beak]''
:'''Dawn''': HEY, OUCH! DON'T YOU PECK AT ME, OR I'LL PECK RIGHT BACK, GET IT!

== When Pokémon Worlds Collide! ==

== Dawn of a New Era! ==
:''[At the start of the episode, Ash, Dawn and Brock are in a forest as Dawn tries to catch a Buneary]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Ash''': This time for sure, Dawn. Go for it!
:'''Dawn''': I'm so psyched. (Prepares to throw the Poké Ball that's in her right hand) Here we go!
:'''Ash''': Hold on! You got to make your Poké Ball bigger first.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? (Loses control of the Poké Ball) Oh!
:'''Ash''': You'd better hurry. It'll get away.
:'''Dawn''': All right. I'm ready now. Let's go, Poké Ball! (Throws the Poké Ball at Ash instead of the wild Buneary) Huh?
:'''Ash''': (when the Poké Ball hits him) Oh. (Falls onto the ground)
:'''Dawn''': Oops, sorry.
:'''Ash''': Ugh! Watch where you throw that thing!
:'''Dawn''': It was an accident. If you hadn't been yelling at me, my hand wouldn't have slipped.
:'''Ash''': You weren't doing it right.
:''[Cut to Brock and Pikachu who are sitting on a rock]''
:'''Dawn''': (off-camera) Look, don't you get nasty with me! (While Dawn is saying this, the camera cuts to her Piplup)
:'''Ash''': (off-camera) Just get it together and I won't have to.
:''[Meanwhile, Buneary runs off and Piplup points it out to Ash and Dawn]''
:'''Ash &amp; Dawn''': No, Buneary!
:'''Dawn''': Well, I hope you're happy now.
:'''Ash''': Don't look at me!
:'''Dawn''': Why not? It's your fault.
:'''Ash''': Your yapping scared Buneary away, you know!
:'''Narrator''': Any new journey has bumps in the road. The question for our heroes seems a simple one, though. Is this a small bump in the road, or a massive pothole?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The title card comes up]''
:'''Ash''': (voiceover) Dawn of a New Era!
:''[Soon, Ash, Dawn and Brock are walking along a footpath in the forest]''
:'''Dawn''': Just great. I could have a Buneary, if it wasn't for a certain big mouth.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah, I could get me a Buneary in spite of your big mouth.
:'''Dawn''': Next time, butt out.
:'''Ash''': That's if there is a next time.
:'''Dawn''': I'm catching lots of Pokémon.
:'''Ash''': You won't if you keep doing stupid stuff!
:'''Dawn''': Are you calling me stupid?
:'''Ash''': No, but I'm thinkin' 'bout it now.
:'''Dawn''': How can you think without a brain?
:'''Ash''': You tell jokes as good as you catch Pokémon!
:'''Brock''': (crossly) You're both hurting my ears!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

== Gettin' Twiggy With It! ==

== Different Strokes for Different Blokes! ==
:'''Paul''': &quot;Lame-o's.&quot;

== Like It or Lup It! ==
:'''Jessie''': Sometimes air is as good as food.
:'''James''': Especially when you haven't been breathing much...

== Gymbaliar! ==

== Setting the World on it's Buneary! ==
:''[It is the dawn of a new day somewhere in the Sinnoh region and the sun is rising]''
:'''Dawn''': What?! No way!
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Narrator''': It was to be a fateful day for Dawn, and a certain Pokémon named Buneary, as our heroes continue toward Jubilife City.
:'''Buneary''': Buneary?
:''[Ash is waking up in his sleeping bag]''
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Dawn''': It's a disaster!
:''[Some Starly fly past and Ash runs over to Dawn's tent]
:'''Ash''': Dawn, what's wrong?
:'''Dawn''': Don't you dare come in here! My hair's a complete mess, and nobody sees it!
:'''Ash''': Dawn, don't sweat it. C'mon, that's what hats are for.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika pika.
:'''Dawn''': Well, isn't that a typical male response! Ash, unlike your who-cares-how-I-look world, I take pride in my appearance, get it?
:'''Ash''': But it's just not worth it to get nuts about hair!
:'''Dawn''': That's your opinion.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:''[The camera pans left to Brock who is cooking some breakfast with Croagunk beside him]''
:'''Brock''': See, you're witnessing a typical morning for this crazy family, but you'll get used to it!
:'''Croagunk''': Croag. Croag. Croag.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Ready Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Oh yes!] Pikachu! [Let's do this!]
:'''Buneary''': ''[starts behaving oddly by blushing and covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Buneary...Buneary! [Oh my, oh please, why do you want to fight me? Why?!]
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [What's wrong?]
:'''Ash''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Buneary has got a crush on Pikachu! ''[Bonsly and Aipom agree with Dawn]''
:'''Ash''': Oh man, how do we battle with this going on?
:'''Buneary''': ''[walks up to Pikachu still covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Bun, Buneary. [I can do this. Come on Buneary...] ''[sees Pikachu and covers her face again!]'' Bunearyyyyy! [I can't do it!]

== Not On My Watch Ya Don't! ==

== Mounting a Coordinator Assault! ==

== Arrival of a Rival! ==

== A Staravia is Born! ==
:'''Meowth''': So, here's the deal. Your wish is my command.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': You wanna fly? Fly. Wheeeee.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rosebay''': ''[about Team Rocket]'' They sure are loud...

== Leave It To Brocko! ==

== Shapes of Things To Come! ==

== A Gruff Act To Follow! (Zugaidos VS Pikachu!!) ==
:''[at the beginning of the episode...]''
:'''Paul''': ''(chuckles)''
:'''Ash''': What's so funny?
:'''Paul''': That you want me to watch you lose.
:'''Ash''': ''(enraged)'' What?!
:''(Dawn and Pikachu break up the fight)''
:'''Dawn''': Alright, time out!
:'''Pikachu''': ''[at the same time]'' Pika, pika!
:'''Dawn''': ''(to Paul)'' You already battled Ash once ''(Different Strokes for Different Blokes)''. Why not stay and watch?
:'''Paul''': ''(glares at her blankly)'' Hmph.
:'''Dawn''': Wha-what's wrong?
:'''Paul''': 'What's wrong'? Who are you?
:''(the background changes to a volcano erupting with an angry Dawn)''
:'''Dawn''': Excuse ME, your rudeness, but we've met once before! The name's Dawn!
:'''Paul''': ''(beat)'' Don't remember.
:''(the background changes to the sun splitting into quarters with Dawn very angry, turning bright red and having huge glowing red eyes)''
:'''Dawn''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YA?!!'''
:'''Brock''': ''(runs in and restrains Dawn, preventing her from attacking Paul)'' Alright, come on, Dawn! Calm down!
:'''Dawn''': ''(at the same time)'' Listen, mister! You nasty, insulting, spoiled brat! Apologize!

== Wild in the Streets! ==
:''[Roark comes in, checking on Ash's training progress. And perfect timing too, cause Ash and his Pokemon are taking break as well]''
:'''Roark''': You are working hard.
:'''Ash''': Hey Roark!
:'''Roark''': Rock as far the eye can see. It is a great way of you to get ready for another battle in my gym.
:'''Ash''': And you can be sure we are working super hard!
:'''Roark''': Just don't work too hard. You simply figure out a strategy that suits you and your Pokemon as well.
:'''Ash''': ''[a bit confused on Roark's wisdom, but Ash does get it, thankfully]'' Okay, but I was just thinking about the way you fought Paul. 
:'''Roark''': Hang on a sec, this has been eating at me since our last battle. Just who is it you're trying to beat anyway? 
:'''Ash''': Oh that! Uhhh...
:'''Roark''': Right. It's understandable that you'd be concerned about Paul. But it's not Paul you're going to be battling with, it's me, right? ''[This is the reason why Ash screwed up his first battle against Roark. Ash needs to focus on the battle, not on pleasing a rival.]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, I hear you.

== O'er The Rampardos We Watched! ==
:'''Roark''': Ash, in between battles, I don't sit around and read comic books. I've been training with Onix just as hard as ever. You may have dodged Double Edge, but there's a lot more to deal with than that in this gym. Onix, use Stealth Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roark recalls his defeated Onix. Ash does not sit around and do nothing, either.]''
:'''Roark''': You were great Onix. Thanks, now take a nice long rest. That was quite an impressive move you just made. You blew back all that debris and pulverized Onix's Stealth Rock at the same time. And I don't need to tell you how difficult it is to cause Onix any damage at all. ''[Roark's tactics may have worked once, but the one thing Gym Leaders have to learn when it comes to a rematch, a previously defeated opponent does not give repeat performances]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roark''': Aw! Aipom too?!! ''[Should have improved your training with Geodude there, Roark]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Turtwig! Use Razor Leaf while you run! 
:'''Turtwig''': Twig! ''[Turtwig charges in spamming Razor Leaf without hesitation]''
:'''Roark''': Turtwig's too far away for that! Now Rampardos, use Flamethrower! ''[Rampardos does so]''
:'''Ash''': Keep using Razor Leaf! Don't let up!
:'''Roark''': You think you can defeat us like that?! Alright Rampardos go! ''[Rampardos amps up the Flamethrower attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Turtwig is using the burning leaves for cover and a defense tactic]''
:'''Roark''': Of course! Ash has just been camouflaging Turtwig the whole time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Roark has just ordered his Rampardos to jump only to find that Turtwig is undereath Rampardos!]''
:'''Ash''': Great Turtwig! Now use Razor Leaf! SUPER CHARGE!
:''[Turtwig complies violently injuring Rampardos with the attack]''
:'''Roark''': ''[horrified]'' Augh! Rampardos! ''[Seconds later, Rampardos falls to the ground defeated.]''

== Twice Smitten, Once Shy! ==

== Mutiny in the Bounty! ==

== Ya See We Want An Evolution! ==
:''(Ash, Pikachu, Dawn, Brock, Oralie and Haley enter a wooden cabin)''
:'''Ash''': All right, Team Rocket...
:'''Everyone''': Huh?!
:''(Cut to Team Rocket who are standing on an evolution-inducing machine with Magikarp inside a capsule)''
:'''Jessie''': You're just in time to witness something totally evolutionary.
:'''James''': Preseting our Power Pack Poké Evolution Machine 1.
:'''Meowth''': And guess what? The batteries are included, and we're smokin'.
:'''Haley''': Feebas?
:'''Oralie''': What are you planning on doing to my Magikarp?
:'''James''': With this sweet baby forcing your babies to evolve, we're simply making them an offer they can't refuse.
:'''Oralie''': You can't do that!
:'''Haley''': Stop it!
:'''Brock''': All right. You give both Feebas and Magikarp back to them or else!
:'''Jessie''': An ultimatum. (Zooms up to Ash and his friends) You twerpazoids are clueless. Don't you realise these top-shelf Pokémon would be a lot topper-shelf if they evolved into Gyarados and Milotic?
:'''James''': Course you don't.
:'''Haley''': You can't...
:'''Oralie''': All our work making them strong without them evolving will have been a complete waste.
:'''Haley''': We like our Pokémon exactly the way they are right now.
:'''Jessie''': (Chortles) Which is exactly why we just love doing what we do. It's evolution time. Rock and roll!
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, thunderbolt, NOW!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-CHUUUUUU! (Gets captured in a capsule)
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?!
:'''James''': We figured some insulation was a good investment.
:'''Jessie''': Hee-hee-hee-hee! Of course, that's history when we evolve Pikachu so stay tuned!
:'''Ash''': Why, you! (Gets captured in a cage in along with Brock, Dawn, Haley and Oralie)
:'''Jessie''': (Laughs) Now that you're a captive audience, why not sit back, relax, and watch our machine make some of its mojo magic? The future is here now.
:'''James''': Here comes Gyarados, and how!
:'''Oralie''': Please stop!
:'''Meowth''': Please, no! (Presses a button on the remote and Magikarp goes down into the machine)
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:''(Ash and his friends gasp)''
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:''(But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this as James looks at the plans and Meowth reads the manual)''
:'''James''': Strange. I've been reading schematics for years.
:'''Meowth''': I think you're supposed to know how to read words first.
:'''Jessie''': Wait, once more.
:''(Magikarp goes down into the machine again)''
:'''Oralie''': Magikarp, no!
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:'' (But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved again)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''James''': Very strange.
:'''Meowth''': It's not out of the question that the batteries they included sat in the box for too long.
:'''James''': But, wait, we could employ our imprisoned Pika power.
:'''Jessie''': And then we'll simply switch things around and ratchet our Raichu on a first.
:''(Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': No, you don't!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, pika! (Goes into the evolution machine)
:'''Jessie''': You're about to experience first-hand how change is good for the soul.
:'''James''': It's the old Pikachu to Raichu switch-a-roo!
:'''Meowth''': Hey, we're cooking now.
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, no!
:'''Jessie''': By popular demand, it's Raichu.
:''(But Pikachu comes out of the machine unevolved)''
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': (relieved) Pikachu, you're okay.
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''Jessie''': Okay, what's your excuse this time?
:'''Meowth''': Yikes, I think I just found a disclaimer here. (Reads the disclaimer in the manual) Device may take up to one week to achieve complete evolution. Early use may result in total failure!?
:'''Jessie''': (yells at Meowth) '''YOU'RE a total failure!''' (Starts stomping on the machine) If I wasn't such a... (Throws a tantrum)
:'''James''': Hold on, they said there may be a total failure, right? You've got to admire a company with such honesty.
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James) '''OKAY. THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A STOCKHOLDER?!'''
:'' (Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Iron Tail!
:'''Pikachu''': Piikkaaaa! (Uses Iron Tail on the cage, breaking it and freeing everyone inside)
:'''Ash''': It's over, guys. Give it up!
:'''Meowth''': Not so fast.
:'''Ash''': Oh!
:'''Meowth''': Listen to this, twerpies. (Reads the manual) This unit also doubles as a mechabot.
:'''James''': Mechabot?
:'''Jessie''': Wow, that is cutting edge.
:'''Meowth''': One click on the old remote, whee! (Presses the red button and it destroys the cabin)

== Borrowing On Bad Faith! ==

== Faced with Steelix Determination! ==

== Cooking Up A Sweet Story! ==

== Oh Do You Know the Poffin Plan! ==

== Getting the Pre-Contest Titters! ==
:'''Kenny''': What do you know? Dee-Dee's got herself a Pikachu. Dee-Dee's all grown up.
:'''Dawn''': KENNY, STOP! AND YOU STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE TOO! ALSO, THIS IS NOT MY PIKACHU EITHER, CAUSE IT'S HIS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': It was at the contest right before Jubilife City and I thought I had my first ribbon, but then I came up against an opponent so powerful, I didn't have a chance. She had a Glameow and her name was Zoey.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': One time, Dawn's mum made her get this haircut that she couldn't stand, so Dawn tried to cut it herself. You can't believe how it turned out. She looked just like a Chimchar.
:'''Dawn''': CAN WE ALL TRY AND GROW UP?! THAT HAPPENED WAY WAY BACK IN NURSERY SCHOOL!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': OH, GREAT! LAUGH AT A LITTLE GIRL!

== Settling a Not-So Old Score! ==
:'''Kenny''': See ya, Dee-Dee.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE!

== Drifloon on the Wind! ==

== The Champ Twins! ==
:'''Rhonda''': ONE MORE TIME, JACK, AND IT'S BACK TO THE MAILROOM!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Good, and done! All ready!
:'''Ash''': Still looks the same.
:'''Dawn''': WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!!

== Some Enchanted Sweetening! ==

== The Grass Type is Always Greener! ==

== An Angry Combeenation! ==

== All Dressed Up with Somewhere To Go! ==

== Buizel Your Way Out of This! ==
:'''Dawn''': I've never seen a lure like that.
:'''Ash''': This? Cool, huh? I got this from Misty a long time ago.
:'''Dawn''': Misty?
:'''Brock''': Right. She's a friend of ours who's now the Cerulean Gym leader.

== An Elite Meet and Greet! ==

== A Secret Sphere of Influence! ==

== The Grass Menagerie! ==

== One Big Happiny Family! ==

== Steamboat Willies! ==

== Top-Down Training! ==
:'''Cynthia''': When every life meets another life, something will be born.
:'''Ash''': When every life...
:'''Brock''': ...meets another life...
:'''Dawn''': ...something will be born?

== A Stand-Up Sit Down! ==

== The Electrike Company! ==

== Malice in Wonderland! ==

== Ill Will Hunting! ==

== A Maze-ing Race! ==

== Sandshrew's Locker! ==

== Dawn's Early Night! ==
:'''Dawn''': Well, at least you didn't lose in the first round now, did you?
:'''Zoey''': WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!
:'''Dawn''': Sorry.

== Tag, We're It... ! ==


== Glory Blaze! ==

== Smells Like Team Spirit! ==

==External  links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
      <sha1>qe6aty21sekvrxwkgu1juxjw7qzgkri</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153465</id>
      <parentid>3153463</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:49:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>49.224.209.79</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Settling a Not-So Old Score! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18869" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl (advertised as Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the tenth season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Following A Maiden's Voyage! ==
:'''Dawn''': No need to worry, mom!

== Two Degrees of Separation! ==
:'''Giovanni''': Though your plans won't buy me a cup of coffee, I have wanted to set up shop there. Do your best.
:'''Jessie''': Don't we always?
:'''Giovanni''': That's what I'm afraid of!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': ''[Angry with Pikachu, after Pikachu accidentally roasts her bike with its thunderbolt]'' WELL, THANKS A LOT! I'M DEFINITELY GONNA CATCH YOU AFTER THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, chill out.
:'''Piplup''': PIP?! PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:'''Dawn''': WELL, YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHY WE DIDN'T CATCH ANY POKÉMON!
:'''Piplup''': PIPLUP, PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:''[Piplup angrily starts pecking Dawn in the head with it's beak]''
:'''Dawn''': HEY, OUCH! DON'T YOU PECK AT ME, OR I'LL PECK RIGHT BACK, GET IT!

== When Pokémon Worlds Collide! ==

== Dawn of a New Era! ==
:''[At the start of the episode, Ash, Dawn and Brock are in a forest as Dawn tries to catch a Buneary]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Ash''': This time for sure, Dawn. Go for it!
:'''Dawn''': I'm so psyched. (Prepares to throw the Poké Ball that's in her right hand) Here we go!
:'''Ash''': Hold on! You got to make your Poké Ball bigger first.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? (Loses control of the Poké Ball) Oh!
:'''Ash''': You'd better hurry. It'll get away.
:'''Dawn''': All right. I'm ready now. Let's go, Poké Ball! (Throws the Poké Ball at Ash instead of the wild Buneary) Huh?
:'''Ash''': (when the Poké Ball hits him) Oh. (Falls onto the ground)
:'''Dawn''': Oops, sorry.
:'''Ash''': Ugh! Watch where you throw that thing!
:'''Dawn''': It was an accident. If you hadn't been yelling at me, my hand wouldn't have slipped.
:'''Ash''': You weren't doing it right.
:''[Cut to Brock and Pikachu who are sitting on a rock]''
:'''Dawn''': (off-camera) Look, don't you get nasty with me! (While Dawn is saying this, the camera cuts to her Piplup)
:'''Ash''': (off-camera) Just get it together and I won't have to.
:''[Meanwhile, Buneary runs off and Piplup points it out to Ash and Dawn]''
:'''Ash &amp; Dawn''': No, Buneary!
:'''Dawn''': Well, I hope you're happy now.
:'''Ash''': Don't look at me!
:'''Dawn''': Why not? It's your fault.
:'''Ash''': Your yapping scared Buneary away, you know!
:'''Narrator''': Any new journey has bumps in the road. The question for our heroes seems a simple one, though. Is this a small bump in the road, or a massive pothole?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The title card comes up]''
:'''Ash''': (voiceover) Dawn of a New Era!
:''[Soon, Ash, Dawn and Brock are walking along a footpath in the forest]''
:'''Dawn''': Just great. I could have a Buneary, if it wasn't for a certain big mouth.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah, I could get me a Buneary in spite of your big mouth.
:'''Dawn''': Next time, butt out.
:'''Ash''': That's if there is a next time.
:'''Dawn''': I'm catching lots of Pokémon.
:'''Ash''': You won't if you keep doing stupid stuff!
:'''Dawn''': Are you calling me stupid?
:'''Ash''': No, but I'm thinkin' 'bout it now.
:'''Dawn''': How can you think without a brain?
:'''Ash''': You tell jokes as good as you catch Pokémon!
:'''Brock''': (crossly) You're both hurting my ears!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

== Gettin' Twiggy With It! ==

== Different Strokes for Different Blokes! ==
:'''Paul''': &quot;Lame-o's.&quot;

== Like It or Lup It! ==
:'''Jessie''': Sometimes air is as good as food.
:'''James''': Especially when you haven't been breathing much...

== Gymbaliar! ==

== Setting the World on it's Buneary! ==
:''[It is the dawn of a new day somewhere in the Sinnoh region and the sun is rising]''
:'''Dawn''': What?! No way!
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Narrator''': It was to be a fateful day for Dawn, and a certain Pokémon named Buneary, as our heroes continue toward Jubilife City.
:'''Buneary''': Buneary?
:''[Ash is waking up in his sleeping bag]''
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Dawn''': It's a disaster!
:''[Some Starly fly past and Ash runs over to Dawn's tent]
:'''Ash''': Dawn, what's wrong?
:'''Dawn''': Don't you dare come in here! My hair's a complete mess, and nobody sees it!
:'''Ash''': Dawn, don't sweat it. C'mon, that's what hats are for.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika pika.
:'''Dawn''': Well, isn't that a typical male response! Ash, unlike your who-cares-how-I-look world, I take pride in my appearance, get it?
:'''Ash''': But it's just not worth it to get nuts about hair!
:'''Dawn''': That's your opinion.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:''[The camera pans left to Brock who is cooking some breakfast with Croagunk beside him]''
:'''Brock''': See, you're witnessing a typical morning for this crazy family, but you'll get used to it!
:'''Croagunk''': Croag. Croag. Croag.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Ready Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Oh yes!] Pikachu! [Let's do this!]
:'''Buneary''': ''[starts behaving oddly by blushing and covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Buneary...Buneary! [Oh my, oh please, why do you want to fight me? Why?!]
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [What's wrong?]
:'''Ash''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Buneary has got a crush on Pikachu! ''[Bonsly and Aipom agree with Dawn]''
:'''Ash''': Oh man, how do we battle with this going on?
:'''Buneary''': ''[walks up to Pikachu still covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Bun, Buneary. [I can do this. Come on Buneary...] ''[sees Pikachu and covers her face again!]'' Bunearyyyyy! [I can't do it!]

== Not On My Watch Ya Don't! ==

== Mounting a Coordinator Assault! ==

== Arrival of a Rival! ==

== A Staravia is Born! ==
:'''Meowth''': So, here's the deal. Your wish is my command.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': You wanna fly? Fly. Wheeeee.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rosebay''': ''[about Team Rocket]'' They sure are loud...

== Leave It To Brocko! ==

== Shapes of Things To Come! ==

== A Gruff Act To Follow! (Zugaidos VS Pikachu!!) ==
:''[at the beginning of the episode...]''
:'''Paul''': ''(chuckles)''
:'''Ash''': What's so funny?
:'''Paul''': That you want me to watch you lose.
:'''Ash''': ''(enraged)'' What?!
:''(Dawn and Pikachu break up the fight)''
:'''Dawn''': Alright, time out!
:'''Pikachu''': ''[at the same time]'' Pika, pika!
:'''Dawn''': ''(to Paul)'' You already battled Ash once ''(Different Strokes for Different Blokes)''. Why not stay and watch?
:'''Paul''': ''(glares at her blankly)'' Hmph.
:'''Dawn''': Wha-what's wrong?
:'''Paul''': 'What's wrong'? Who are you?
:''(the background changes to a volcano erupting with an angry Dawn)''
:'''Dawn''': Excuse ME, your rudeness, but we've met once before! The name's Dawn!
:'''Paul''': ''(beat)'' Don't remember.
:''(the background changes to the sun splitting into quarters with Dawn very angry, turning bright red and having huge glowing red eyes)''
:'''Dawn''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YA?!!'''
:'''Brock''': ''(runs in and restrains Dawn, preventing her from attacking Paul)'' Alright, come on, Dawn! Calm down!
:'''Dawn''': ''(at the same time)'' Listen, mister! You nasty, insulting, spoiled brat! Apologize!

== Wild in the Streets! ==
:''[Roark comes in, checking on Ash's training progress. And perfect timing too, cause Ash and his Pokemon are taking break as well]''
:'''Roark''': You are working hard.
:'''Ash''': Hey Roark!
:'''Roark''': Rock as far the eye can see. It is a great way of you to get ready for another battle in my gym.
:'''Ash''': And you can be sure we are working super hard!
:'''Roark''': Just don't work too hard. You simply figure out a strategy that suits you and your Pokemon as well.
:'''Ash''': ''[a bit confused on Roark's wisdom, but Ash does get it, thankfully]'' Okay, but I was just thinking about the way you fought Paul. 
:'''Roark''': Hang on a sec, this has been eating at me since our last battle. Just who is it you're trying to beat anyway? 
:'''Ash''': Oh that! Uhhh...
:'''Roark''': Right. It's understandable that you'd be concerned about Paul. But it's not Paul you're going to be battling with, it's me, right? ''[This is the reason why Ash screwed up his first battle against Roark. Ash needs to focus on the battle, not on pleasing a rival.]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, I hear you.

== O'er The Rampardos We Watched! ==
:'''Roark''': Ash, in between battles, I don't sit around and read comic books. I've been training with Onix just as hard as ever. You may have dodged Double Edge, but there's a lot more to deal with than that in this gym. Onix, use Stealth Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roark recalls his defeated Onix. Ash does not sit around and do nothing, either.]''
:'''Roark''': You were great Onix. Thanks, now take a nice long rest. That was quite an impressive move you just made. You blew back all that debris and pulverized Onix's Stealth Rock at the same time. And I don't need to tell you how difficult it is to cause Onix any damage at all. ''[Roark's tactics may have worked once, but the one thing Gym Leaders have to learn when it comes to a rematch, a previously defeated opponent does not give repeat performances]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roark''': Aw! Aipom too?!! ''[Should have improved your training with Geodude there, Roark]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Turtwig! Use Razor Leaf while you run! 
:'''Turtwig''': Twig! ''[Turtwig charges in spamming Razor Leaf without hesitation]''
:'''Roark''': Turtwig's too far away for that! Now Rampardos, use Flamethrower! ''[Rampardos does so]''
:'''Ash''': Keep using Razor Leaf! Don't let up!
:'''Roark''': You think you can defeat us like that?! Alright Rampardos go! ''[Rampardos amps up the Flamethrower attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Turtwig is using the burning leaves for cover and a defense tactic]''
:'''Roark''': Of course! Ash has just been camouflaging Turtwig the whole time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Roark has just ordered his Rampardos to jump only to find that Turtwig is undereath Rampardos!]''
:'''Ash''': Great Turtwig! Now use Razor Leaf! SUPER CHARGE!
:''[Turtwig complies violently injuring Rampardos with the attack]''
:'''Roark''': ''[horrified]'' Augh! Rampardos! ''[Seconds later, Rampardos falls to the ground defeated.]''

== Twice Smitten, Once Shy! ==

== Mutiny in the Bounty! ==

== Ya See We Want An Evolution! ==
:''(Ash, Pikachu, Dawn, Brock, Oralie and Haley enter a wooden cabin)''
:'''Ash''': All right, Team Rocket...
:'''Everyone''': Huh?!
:''(Cut to Team Rocket who are standing on an evolution-inducing machine with Magikarp inside a capsule)''
:'''Jessie''': You're just in time to witness something totally evolutionary.
:'''James''': Preseting our Power Pack Poké Evolution Machine 1.
:'''Meowth''': And guess what? The batteries are included, and we're smokin'.
:'''Haley''': Feebas?
:'''Oralie''': What are you planning on doing to my Magikarp?
:'''James''': With this sweet baby forcing your babies to evolve, we're simply making them an offer they can't refuse.
:'''Oralie''': You can't do that!
:'''Haley''': Stop it!
:'''Brock''': All right. You give both Feebas and Magikarp back to them or else!
:'''Jessie''': An ultimatum. (Zooms up to Ash and his friends) You twerpazoids are clueless. Don't you realise these top-shelf Pokémon would be a lot topper-shelf if they evolved into Gyarados and Milotic?
:'''James''': Course you don't.
:'''Haley''': You can't...
:'''Oralie''': All our work making them strong without them evolving will have been a complete waste.
:'''Haley''': We like our Pokémon exactly the way they are right now.
:'''Jessie''': (Chortles) Which is exactly why we just love doing what we do. It's evolution time. Rock and roll!
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, thunderbolt, NOW!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-CHUUUUUU! (Gets captured in a capsule)
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?!
:'''James''': We figured some insulation was a good investment.
:'''Jessie''': Hee-hee-hee-hee! Of course, that's history when we evolve Pikachu so stay tuned!
:'''Ash''': Why, you! (Gets captured in a cage in along with Brock, Dawn, Haley and Oralie)
:'''Jessie''': (Laughs) Now that you're a captive audience, why not sit back, relax, and watch our machine make some of its mojo magic? The future is here now.
:'''James''': Here comes Gyarados, and how!
:'''Oralie''': Please stop!
:'''Meowth''': Please, no! (Presses a button on the remote and Magikarp goes down into the machine)
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:''(Ash and his friends gasp)''
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:''(But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this as James looks at the plans and Meowth reads the manual)''
:'''James''': Strange. I've been reading schematics for years.
:'''Meowth''': I think you're supposed to know how to read words first.
:'''Jessie''': Wait, once more.
:''(Magikarp goes down into the machine again)''
:'''Oralie''': Magikarp, no!
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:'' (But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved again)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''James''': Very strange.
:'''Meowth''': It's not out of the question that the batteries they included sat in the box for too long.
:'''James''': But, wait, we could employ our imprisoned Pika power.
:'''Jessie''': And then we'll simply switch things around and ratchet our Raichu on a first.
:''(Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': No, you don't!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, pika! (Goes into the evolution machine)
:'''Jessie''': You're about to experience first-hand how change is good for the soul.
:'''James''': It's the old Pikachu to Raichu switch-a-roo!
:'''Meowth''': Hey, we're cooking now.
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, no!
:'''Jessie''': By popular demand, it's Raichu.
:''(But Pikachu comes out of the machine unevolved)''
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': (relieved) Pikachu, you're okay.
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''Jessie''': Okay, what's your excuse this time?
:'''Meowth''': Yikes, I think I just found a disclaimer here. (Reads the disclaimer in the manual) Device may take up to one week to achieve complete evolution. Early use may result in total failure!?
:'''Jessie''': (yells at Meowth) '''YOU'RE a total failure!''' (Starts stomping on the machine) If I wasn't such a... (Throws a tantrum)
:'''James''': Hold on, they said there may be a total failure, right? You've got to admire a company with such honesty.
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James) '''OKAY. THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A STOCKHOLDER?!'''
:'' (Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Iron Tail!
:'''Pikachu''': Piikkaaaa! (Uses Iron Tail on the cage, breaking it and freeing everyone inside)
:'''Ash''': It's over, guys. Give it up!
:'''Meowth''': Not so fast.
:'''Ash''': Oh!
:'''Meowth''': Listen to this, twerpies. (Reads the manual) This unit also doubles as a mechabot.
:'''James''': Mechabot?
:'''Jessie''': Wow, that is cutting edge.
:'''Meowth''': One click on the old remote, whee! (Presses the red button and it destroys the cabin)

== Borrowing On Bad Faith! ==

== Faced with Steelix Determination! ==

== Cooking Up A Sweet Story! ==

== Oh Do You Know the Poffin Plan! ==

== Getting the Pre-Contest Titters! ==
:'''Kenny''': What do you know? Dee-Dee's got herself a Pikachu. Dee-Dee's all grown up.
:'''Dawn''': KENNY, STOP! AND YOU STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE TOO! ALSO, THIS IS NOT MY PIKACHU EITHER, CAUSE IT'S HIS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': It was at the contest right before Jubilife City and I thought I had my first ribbon, but then I came up against an opponent so powerful, I didn't have a chance. She had a Glameow and her name was Zoey.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': One time, Dawn's mum made her get this haircut that she couldn't stand, so Dawn tried to cut it herself. You can't believe how it turned out. She looked just like a Chimchar.
:'''Dawn''': CAN WE ALL TRY AND GROW UP?! THAT HAPPENED WAY WAY BACK IN NURSERY SCHOOL!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': OH, GREAT! LAUGH AT A LITTLE GIRL!

== Settling a Not-So Old Score! ==
:'''Kenny''': See ya, Dee-Dee.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE!
:''[Dawn sticks her tongue out at Kenny]''
:'''Ash''': What's so bad about Dee-Dee?
:'''Dawn''': Ash, don't go there!

== Drifloon on the Wind! ==

== The Champ Twins! ==
:'''Rhonda''': ONE MORE TIME, JACK, AND IT'S BACK TO THE MAILROOM!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Good, and done! All ready!
:'''Ash''': Still looks the same.
:'''Dawn''': WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!!

== Some Enchanted Sweetening! ==

== The Grass Type is Always Greener! ==

== An Angry Combeenation! ==

== All Dressed Up with Somewhere To Go! ==

== Buizel Your Way Out of This! ==
:'''Dawn''': I've never seen a lure like that.
:'''Ash''': This? Cool, huh? I got this from Misty a long time ago.
:'''Dawn''': Misty?
:'''Brock''': Right. She's a friend of ours who's now the Cerulean Gym leader.

== An Elite Meet and Greet! ==

== A Secret Sphere of Influence! ==

== The Grass Menagerie! ==

== One Big Happiny Family! ==

== Steamboat Willies! ==

== Top-Down Training! ==
:'''Cynthia''': When every life meets another life, something will be born.
:'''Ash''': When every life...
:'''Brock''': ...meets another life...
:'''Dawn''': ...something will be born?

== A Stand-Up Sit Down! ==

== The Electrike Company! ==

== Malice in Wonderland! ==

== Ill Will Hunting! ==

== A Maze-ing Race! ==

== Sandshrew's Locker! ==

== Dawn's Early Night! ==
:'''Dawn''': Well, at least you didn't lose in the first round now, did you?
:'''Zoey''': WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!
:'''Dawn''': Sorry.

== Tag, We're It... ! ==


== Glory Blaze! ==

== Smells Like Team Spirit! ==

==External  links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
      <sha1>516dzaqqs6jhra2ofdm1joceutqkx5f</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153469</id>
      <parentid>3153465</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:52:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>49.224.209.79</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Glory Blaze! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18985" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl (advertised as Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the tenth season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Following A Maiden's Voyage! ==
:'''Dawn''': No need to worry, mom!

== Two Degrees of Separation! ==
:'''Giovanni''': Though your plans won't buy me a cup of coffee, I have wanted to set up shop there. Do your best.
:'''Jessie''': Don't we always?
:'''Giovanni''': That's what I'm afraid of!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': ''[Angry with Pikachu, after Pikachu accidentally roasts her bike with its thunderbolt]'' WELL, THANKS A LOT! I'M DEFINITELY GONNA CATCH YOU AFTER THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, chill out.
:'''Piplup''': PIP?! PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:'''Dawn''': WELL, YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHY WE DIDN'T CATCH ANY POKÉMON!
:'''Piplup''': PIPLUP, PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:''[Piplup angrily starts pecking Dawn in the head with it's beak]''
:'''Dawn''': HEY, OUCH! DON'T YOU PECK AT ME, OR I'LL PECK RIGHT BACK, GET IT!

== When Pokémon Worlds Collide! ==

== Dawn of a New Era! ==
:''[At the start of the episode, Ash, Dawn and Brock are in a forest as Dawn tries to catch a Buneary]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Ash''': This time for sure, Dawn. Go for it!
:'''Dawn''': I'm so psyched. (Prepares to throw the Poké Ball that's in her right hand) Here we go!
:'''Ash''': Hold on! You got to make your Poké Ball bigger first.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? (Loses control of the Poké Ball) Oh!
:'''Ash''': You'd better hurry. It'll get away.
:'''Dawn''': All right. I'm ready now. Let's go, Poké Ball! (Throws the Poké Ball at Ash instead of the wild Buneary) Huh?
:'''Ash''': (when the Poké Ball hits him) Oh. (Falls onto the ground)
:'''Dawn''': Oops, sorry.
:'''Ash''': Ugh! Watch where you throw that thing!
:'''Dawn''': It was an accident. If you hadn't been yelling at me, my hand wouldn't have slipped.
:'''Ash''': You weren't doing it right.
:''[Cut to Brock and Pikachu who are sitting on a rock]''
:'''Dawn''': (off-camera) Look, don't you get nasty with me! (While Dawn is saying this, the camera cuts to her Piplup)
:'''Ash''': (off-camera) Just get it together and I won't have to.
:''[Meanwhile, Buneary runs off and Piplup points it out to Ash and Dawn]''
:'''Ash &amp; Dawn''': No, Buneary!
:'''Dawn''': Well, I hope you're happy now.
:'''Ash''': Don't look at me!
:'''Dawn''': Why not? It's your fault.
:'''Ash''': Your yapping scared Buneary away, you know!
:'''Narrator''': Any new journey has bumps in the road. The question for our heroes seems a simple one, though. Is this a small bump in the road, or a massive pothole?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The title card comes up]''
:'''Ash''': (voiceover) Dawn of a New Era!
:''[Soon, Ash, Dawn and Brock are walking along a footpath in the forest]''
:'''Dawn''': Just great. I could have a Buneary, if it wasn't for a certain big mouth.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah, I could get me a Buneary in spite of your big mouth.
:'''Dawn''': Next time, butt out.
:'''Ash''': That's if there is a next time.
:'''Dawn''': I'm catching lots of Pokémon.
:'''Ash''': You won't if you keep doing stupid stuff!
:'''Dawn''': Are you calling me stupid?
:'''Ash''': No, but I'm thinkin' 'bout it now.
:'''Dawn''': How can you think without a brain?
:'''Ash''': You tell jokes as good as you catch Pokémon!
:'''Brock''': (crossly) You're both hurting my ears!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

== Gettin' Twiggy With It! ==

== Different Strokes for Different Blokes! ==
:'''Paul''': &quot;Lame-o's.&quot;

== Like It or Lup It! ==
:'''Jessie''': Sometimes air is as good as food.
:'''James''': Especially when you haven't been breathing much...

== Gymbaliar! ==

== Setting the World on it's Buneary! ==
:''[It is the dawn of a new day somewhere in the Sinnoh region and the sun is rising]''
:'''Dawn''': What?! No way!
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Narrator''': It was to be a fateful day for Dawn, and a certain Pokémon named Buneary, as our heroes continue toward Jubilife City.
:'''Buneary''': Buneary?
:''[Ash is waking up in his sleeping bag]''
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Dawn''': It's a disaster!
:''[Some Starly fly past and Ash runs over to Dawn's tent]
:'''Ash''': Dawn, what's wrong?
:'''Dawn''': Don't you dare come in here! My hair's a complete mess, and nobody sees it!
:'''Ash''': Dawn, don't sweat it. C'mon, that's what hats are for.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika pika.
:'''Dawn''': Well, isn't that a typical male response! Ash, unlike your who-cares-how-I-look world, I take pride in my appearance, get it?
:'''Ash''': But it's just not worth it to get nuts about hair!
:'''Dawn''': That's your opinion.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:''[The camera pans left to Brock who is cooking some breakfast with Croagunk beside him]''
:'''Brock''': See, you're witnessing a typical morning for this crazy family, but you'll get used to it!
:'''Croagunk''': Croag. Croag. Croag.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Ready Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Oh yes!] Pikachu! [Let's do this!]
:'''Buneary''': ''[starts behaving oddly by blushing and covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Buneary...Buneary! [Oh my, oh please, why do you want to fight me? Why?!]
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [What's wrong?]
:'''Ash''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Buneary has got a crush on Pikachu! ''[Bonsly and Aipom agree with Dawn]''
:'''Ash''': Oh man, how do we battle with this going on?
:'''Buneary''': ''[walks up to Pikachu still covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Bun, Buneary. [I can do this. Come on Buneary...] ''[sees Pikachu and covers her face again!]'' Bunearyyyyy! [I can't do it!]

== Not On My Watch Ya Don't! ==

== Mounting a Coordinator Assault! ==

== Arrival of a Rival! ==

== A Staravia is Born! ==
:'''Meowth''': So, here's the deal. Your wish is my command.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': You wanna fly? Fly. Wheeeee.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rosebay''': ''[about Team Rocket]'' They sure are loud...

== Leave It To Brocko! ==

== Shapes of Things To Come! ==

== A Gruff Act To Follow! (Zugaidos VS Pikachu!!) ==
:''[at the beginning of the episode...]''
:'''Paul''': ''(chuckles)''
:'''Ash''': What's so funny?
:'''Paul''': That you want me to watch you lose.
:'''Ash''': ''(enraged)'' What?!
:''(Dawn and Pikachu break up the fight)''
:'''Dawn''': Alright, time out!
:'''Pikachu''': ''[at the same time]'' Pika, pika!
:'''Dawn''': ''(to Paul)'' You already battled Ash once ''(Different Strokes for Different Blokes)''. Why not stay and watch?
:'''Paul''': ''(glares at her blankly)'' Hmph.
:'''Dawn''': Wha-what's wrong?
:'''Paul''': 'What's wrong'? Who are you?
:''(the background changes to a volcano erupting with an angry Dawn)''
:'''Dawn''': Excuse ME, your rudeness, but we've met once before! The name's Dawn!
:'''Paul''': ''(beat)'' Don't remember.
:''(the background changes to the sun splitting into quarters with Dawn very angry, turning bright red and having huge glowing red eyes)''
:'''Dawn''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YA?!!'''
:'''Brock''': ''(runs in and restrains Dawn, preventing her from attacking Paul)'' Alright, come on, Dawn! Calm down!
:'''Dawn''': ''(at the same time)'' Listen, mister! You nasty, insulting, spoiled brat! Apologize!

== Wild in the Streets! ==
:''[Roark comes in, checking on Ash's training progress. And perfect timing too, cause Ash and his Pokemon are taking break as well]''
:'''Roark''': You are working hard.
:'''Ash''': Hey Roark!
:'''Roark''': Rock as far the eye can see. It is a great way of you to get ready for another battle in my gym.
:'''Ash''': And you can be sure we are working super hard!
:'''Roark''': Just don't work too hard. You simply figure out a strategy that suits you and your Pokemon as well.
:'''Ash''': ''[a bit confused on Roark's wisdom, but Ash does get it, thankfully]'' Okay, but I was just thinking about the way you fought Paul. 
:'''Roark''': Hang on a sec, this has been eating at me since our last battle. Just who is it you're trying to beat anyway? 
:'''Ash''': Oh that! Uhhh...
:'''Roark''': Right. It's understandable that you'd be concerned about Paul. But it's not Paul you're going to be battling with, it's me, right? ''[This is the reason why Ash screwed up his first battle against Roark. Ash needs to focus on the battle, not on pleasing a rival.]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, I hear you.

== O'er The Rampardos We Watched! ==
:'''Roark''': Ash, in between battles, I don't sit around and read comic books. I've been training with Onix just as hard as ever. You may have dodged Double Edge, but there's a lot more to deal with than that in this gym. Onix, use Stealth Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roark recalls his defeated Onix. Ash does not sit around and do nothing, either.]''
:'''Roark''': You were great Onix. Thanks, now take a nice long rest. That was quite an impressive move you just made. You blew back all that debris and pulverized Onix's Stealth Rock at the same time. And I don't need to tell you how difficult it is to cause Onix any damage at all. ''[Roark's tactics may have worked once, but the one thing Gym Leaders have to learn when it comes to a rematch, a previously defeated opponent does not give repeat performances]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roark''': Aw! Aipom too?!! ''[Should have improved your training with Geodude there, Roark]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Turtwig! Use Razor Leaf while you run! 
:'''Turtwig''': Twig! ''[Turtwig charges in spamming Razor Leaf without hesitation]''
:'''Roark''': Turtwig's too far away for that! Now Rampardos, use Flamethrower! ''[Rampardos does so]''
:'''Ash''': Keep using Razor Leaf! Don't let up!
:'''Roark''': You think you can defeat us like that?! Alright Rampardos go! ''[Rampardos amps up the Flamethrower attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Turtwig is using the burning leaves for cover and a defense tactic]''
:'''Roark''': Of course! Ash has just been camouflaging Turtwig the whole time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Roark has just ordered his Rampardos to jump only to find that Turtwig is undereath Rampardos!]''
:'''Ash''': Great Turtwig! Now use Razor Leaf! SUPER CHARGE!
:''[Turtwig complies violently injuring Rampardos with the attack]''
:'''Roark''': ''[horrified]'' Augh! Rampardos! ''[Seconds later, Rampardos falls to the ground defeated.]''

== Twice Smitten, Once Shy! ==

== Mutiny in the Bounty! ==

== Ya See We Want An Evolution! ==
:''(Ash, Pikachu, Dawn, Brock, Oralie and Haley enter a wooden cabin)''
:'''Ash''': All right, Team Rocket...
:'''Everyone''': Huh?!
:''(Cut to Team Rocket who are standing on an evolution-inducing machine with Magikarp inside a capsule)''
:'''Jessie''': You're just in time to witness something totally evolutionary.
:'''James''': Preseting our Power Pack Poké Evolution Machine 1.
:'''Meowth''': And guess what? The batteries are included, and we're smokin'.
:'''Haley''': Feebas?
:'''Oralie''': What are you planning on doing to my Magikarp?
:'''James''': With this sweet baby forcing your babies to evolve, we're simply making them an offer they can't refuse.
:'''Oralie''': You can't do that!
:'''Haley''': Stop it!
:'''Brock''': All right. You give both Feebas and Magikarp back to them or else!
:'''Jessie''': An ultimatum. (Zooms up to Ash and his friends) You twerpazoids are clueless. Don't you realise these top-shelf Pokémon would be a lot topper-shelf if they evolved into Gyarados and Milotic?
:'''James''': Course you don't.
:'''Haley''': You can't...
:'''Oralie''': All our work making them strong without them evolving will have been a complete waste.
:'''Haley''': We like our Pokémon exactly the way they are right now.
:'''Jessie''': (Chortles) Which is exactly why we just love doing what we do. It's evolution time. Rock and roll!
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, thunderbolt, NOW!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-CHUUUUUU! (Gets captured in a capsule)
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?!
:'''James''': We figured some insulation was a good investment.
:'''Jessie''': Hee-hee-hee-hee! Of course, that's history when we evolve Pikachu so stay tuned!
:'''Ash''': Why, you! (Gets captured in a cage in along with Brock, Dawn, Haley and Oralie)
:'''Jessie''': (Laughs) Now that you're a captive audience, why not sit back, relax, and watch our machine make some of its mojo magic? The future is here now.
:'''James''': Here comes Gyarados, and how!
:'''Oralie''': Please stop!
:'''Meowth''': Please, no! (Presses a button on the remote and Magikarp goes down into the machine)
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:''(Ash and his friends gasp)''
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:''(But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this as James looks at the plans and Meowth reads the manual)''
:'''James''': Strange. I've been reading schematics for years.
:'''Meowth''': I think you're supposed to know how to read words first.
:'''Jessie''': Wait, once more.
:''(Magikarp goes down into the machine again)''
:'''Oralie''': Magikarp, no!
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:'' (But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved again)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''James''': Very strange.
:'''Meowth''': It's not out of the question that the batteries they included sat in the box for too long.
:'''James''': But, wait, we could employ our imprisoned Pika power.
:'''Jessie''': And then we'll simply switch things around and ratchet our Raichu on a first.
:''(Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': No, you don't!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, pika! (Goes into the evolution machine)
:'''Jessie''': You're about to experience first-hand how change is good for the soul.
:'''James''': It's the old Pikachu to Raichu switch-a-roo!
:'''Meowth''': Hey, we're cooking now.
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, no!
:'''Jessie''': By popular demand, it's Raichu.
:''(But Pikachu comes out of the machine unevolved)''
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': (relieved) Pikachu, you're okay.
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''Jessie''': Okay, what's your excuse this time?
:'''Meowth''': Yikes, I think I just found a disclaimer here. (Reads the disclaimer in the manual) Device may take up to one week to achieve complete evolution. Early use may result in total failure!?
:'''Jessie''': (yells at Meowth) '''YOU'RE a total failure!''' (Starts stomping on the machine) If I wasn't such a... (Throws a tantrum)
:'''James''': Hold on, they said there may be a total failure, right? You've got to admire a company with such honesty.
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James) '''OKAY. THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A STOCKHOLDER?!'''
:'' (Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Iron Tail!
:'''Pikachu''': Piikkaaaa! (Uses Iron Tail on the cage, breaking it and freeing everyone inside)
:'''Ash''': It's over, guys. Give it up!
:'''Meowth''': Not so fast.
:'''Ash''': Oh!
:'''Meowth''': Listen to this, twerpies. (Reads the manual) This unit also doubles as a mechabot.
:'''James''': Mechabot?
:'''Jessie''': Wow, that is cutting edge.
:'''Meowth''': One click on the old remote, whee! (Presses the red button and it destroys the cabin)

== Borrowing On Bad Faith! ==

== Faced with Steelix Determination! ==

== Cooking Up A Sweet Story! ==

== Oh Do You Know the Poffin Plan! ==

== Getting the Pre-Contest Titters! ==
:'''Kenny''': What do you know? Dee-Dee's got herself a Pikachu. Dee-Dee's all grown up.
:'''Dawn''': KENNY, STOP! AND YOU STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE TOO! ALSO, THIS IS NOT MY PIKACHU EITHER, CAUSE IT'S HIS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': It was at the contest right before Jubilife City and I thought I had my first ribbon, but then I came up against an opponent so powerful, I didn't have a chance. She had a Glameow and her name was Zoey.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': One time, Dawn's mum made her get this haircut that she couldn't stand, so Dawn tried to cut it herself. You can't believe how it turned out. She looked just like a Chimchar.
:'''Dawn''': CAN WE ALL TRY AND GROW UP?! THAT HAPPENED WAY WAY BACK IN NURSERY SCHOOL!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': OH, GREAT! LAUGH AT A LITTLE GIRL!

== Settling a Not-So Old Score! ==
:'''Kenny''': See ya, Dee-Dee.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE!
:''[Dawn sticks her tongue out at Kenny]''
:'''Ash''': What's so bad about Dee-Dee?
:'''Dawn''': Ash, don't go there!

== Drifloon on the Wind! ==

== The Champ Twins! ==
:'''Rhonda''': ONE MORE TIME, JACK, AND IT'S BACK TO THE MAILROOM!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Good, and done! All ready!
:'''Ash''': Still looks the same.
:'''Dawn''': WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!!

== Some Enchanted Sweetening! ==

== The Grass Type is Always Greener! ==

== An Angry Combeenation! ==

== All Dressed Up with Somewhere To Go! ==

== Buizel Your Way Out of This! ==
:'''Dawn''': I've never seen a lure like that.
:'''Ash''': This? Cool, huh? I got this from Misty a long time ago.
:'''Dawn''': Misty?
:'''Brock''': Right. She's a friend of ours who's now the Cerulean Gym leader.

== An Elite Meet and Greet! ==

== A Secret Sphere of Influence! ==

== The Grass Menagerie! ==

== One Big Happiny Family! ==

== Steamboat Willies! ==

== Top-Down Training! ==
:'''Cynthia''': When every life meets another life, something will be born.
:'''Ash''': When every life...
:'''Brock''': ...meets another life...
:'''Dawn''': ...something will be born?

== A Stand-Up Sit Down! ==

== The Electrike Company! ==

== Malice in Wonderland! ==

== Ill Will Hunting! ==

== A Maze-ing Race! ==

== Sandshrew's Locker! ==

== Dawn's Early Night! ==
:'''Dawn''': Well, at least you didn't lose in the first round now, did you?
:'''Zoey''': WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!
:'''Dawn''': Sorry.

== Tag, We're It... ! ==


== Glory Blaze! ==
:'''Paul''': You two deserve each other. You're both pathetic.
:'''Dawn''': WHY THAT'S AN AWFUL THING TO SAY, PAUL!

== Smells Like Team Spirit! ==

==External  links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:55:08Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="19011" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl (advertised as Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl), aired in Japan as Pocket Monsters Diamond &amp; Pearl (ポケットモンスター ダイヤモンド&amp;パール Poketto Monsutā Daiyamondo &amp; Pāru?), the tenth season of the Pokémon animated series, covering the adventures of Diamond and Pearl series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels Sinnoh with Dawn, Pikachu, and Brock.

== Following A Maiden's Voyage! ==
:'''Dawn''': No need to worry, mom!

== Two Degrees of Separation! ==
:'''Giovanni''': Though your plans won't buy me a cup of coffee, I have wanted to set up shop there. Do your best.
:'''Jessie''': Don't we always?
:'''Giovanni''': That's what I'm afraid of!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': ''[Angry with Pikachu, after Pikachu accidentally roasts her bike with its thunderbolt]'' WELL, THANKS A LOT! I'M DEFINITELY GONNA CATCH YOU AFTER THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, chill out.
:'''Piplup''': PIP?! PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:'''Dawn''': WELL, YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHY WE DIDN'T CATCH ANY POKÉMON!
:'''Piplup''': PIPLUP, PIPLUP, PIPLUP!
:''[Piplup angrily starts pecking Dawn in the head with it's beak]''
:'''Dawn''': HEY, OUCH! DON'T YOU PECK AT ME, OR I'LL PECK RIGHT BACK, GET IT!

== When Pokémon Worlds Collide! ==

== Dawn of a New Era! ==
:''[At the start of the episode, Ash, Dawn and Brock are in a forest as Dawn tries to catch a Buneary]''
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Ash''': This time for sure, Dawn. Go for it!
:'''Dawn''': I'm so psyched. (Prepares to throw the Poké Ball that's in her right hand) Here we go!
:'''Ash''': Hold on! You got to make your Poké Ball bigger first.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? (Loses control of the Poké Ball) Oh!
:'''Ash''': You'd better hurry. It'll get away.
:'''Dawn''': All right. I'm ready now. Let's go, Poké Ball! (Throws the Poké Ball at Ash instead of the wild Buneary) Huh?
:'''Ash''': (when the Poké Ball hits him) Oh. (Falls onto the ground)
:'''Dawn''': Oops, sorry.
:'''Ash''': Ugh! Watch where you throw that thing!
:'''Dawn''': It was an accident. If you hadn't been yelling at me, my hand wouldn't have slipped.
:'''Ash''': You weren't doing it right.
:''[Cut to Brock and Pikachu who are sitting on a rock]''
:'''Dawn''': (off-camera) Look, don't you get nasty with me! (While Dawn is saying this, the camera cuts to her Piplup)
:'''Ash''': (off-camera) Just get it together and I won't have to.
:''[Meanwhile, Buneary runs off and Piplup points it out to Ash and Dawn]''
:'''Ash &amp; Dawn''': No, Buneary!
:'''Dawn''': Well, I hope you're happy now.
:'''Ash''': Don't look at me!
:'''Dawn''': Why not? It's your fault.
:'''Ash''': Your yapping scared Buneary away, you know!
:'''Narrator''': Any new journey has bumps in the road. The question for our heroes seems a simple one, though. Is this a small bump in the road, or a massive pothole?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The title card comes up]''
:'''Ash''': (voiceover) Dawn of a New Era!
:''[Soon, Ash, Dawn and Brock are walking along a footpath in the forest]''
:'''Dawn''': Just great. I could have a Buneary, if it wasn't for a certain big mouth.
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah, I could get me a Buneary in spite of your big mouth.
:'''Dawn''': Next time, butt out.
:'''Ash''': That's if there is a next time.
:'''Dawn''': I'm catching lots of Pokémon.
:'''Ash''': You won't if you keep doing stupid stuff!
:'''Dawn''': Are you calling me stupid?
:'''Ash''': No, but I'm thinkin' 'bout it now.
:'''Dawn''': How can you think without a brain?
:'''Ash''': You tell jokes as good as you catch Pokémon!
:'''Brock''': (crossly) You're both hurting my ears!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

== Gettin' Twiggy With It! ==

== Different Strokes for Different Blokes! ==
:'''Paul''': &quot;Lame-o's.&quot;

== Like It or Lup It! ==
:'''Jessie''': Sometimes air is as good as food.
:'''James''': Especially when you haven't been breathing much...

== Gymbaliar! ==

== Setting the World on it's Buneary! ==
:''[It is the dawn of a new day somewhere in the Sinnoh region and the sun is rising]''
:'''Dawn''': What?! No way!
:'''Buneary''': Buneary.
:'''Narrator''': It was to be a fateful day for Dawn, and a certain Pokémon named Buneary, as our heroes continue toward Jubilife City.
:'''Buneary''': Buneary?
:''[Ash is waking up in his sleeping bag]''
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Dawn''': It's a disaster!
:''[Some Starly fly past and Ash runs over to Dawn's tent]
:'''Ash''': Dawn, what's wrong?
:'''Dawn''': Don't you dare come in here! My hair's a complete mess, and nobody sees it!
:'''Ash''': Dawn, don't sweat it. C'mon, that's what hats are for.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika pika.
:'''Dawn''': Well, isn't that a typical male response! Ash, unlike your who-cares-how-I-look world, I take pride in my appearance, get it?
:'''Ash''': But it's just not worth it to get nuts about hair!
:'''Dawn''': That's your opinion.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:''[The camera pans left to Brock who is cooking some breakfast with Croagunk beside him]''
:'''Brock''': See, you're witnessing a typical morning for this crazy family, but you'll get used to it!
:'''Croagunk''': Croag. Croag. Croag.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Ready Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Oh yes!] Pikachu! [Let's do this!]
:'''Buneary''': ''[starts behaving oddly by blushing and covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Buneary...Buneary! [Oh my, oh please, why do you want to fight me? Why?!]
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [What's wrong?]
:'''Ash''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Buneary has got a crush on Pikachu! ''[Bonsly and Aipom agree with Dawn]''
:'''Ash''': Oh man, how do we battle with this going on?
:'''Buneary''': ''[walks up to Pikachu still covering her face with her fluff]'' Buneary...Bun, Buneary. [I can do this. Come on Buneary...] ''[sees Pikachu and covers her face again!]'' Bunearyyyyy! [I can't do it!]

== Not On My Watch Ya Don't! ==

== Mounting a Coordinator Assault! ==

== Arrival of a Rival! ==

== A Staravia is Born! ==
:'''Meowth''': So, here's the deal. Your wish is my command.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meowth''': You wanna fly? Fly. Wheeeee.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rosebay''': ''[about Team Rocket]'' They sure are loud...

== Leave It To Brocko! ==

== Shapes of Things To Come! ==

== A Gruff Act To Follow! (Zugaidos VS Pikachu!!) ==
:''[at the beginning of the episode...]''
:'''Paul''': ''(chuckles)''
:'''Ash''': What's so funny?
:'''Paul''': That you want me to watch you lose.
:'''Ash''': ''(enraged)'' What?!
:''(Dawn and Pikachu break up the fight)''
:'''Dawn''': Alright, time out!
:'''Pikachu''': ''[at the same time]'' Pika, pika!
:'''Dawn''': ''(to Paul)'' You already battled Ash once ''(Different Strokes for Different Blokes)''. Why not stay and watch?
:'''Paul''': ''(glares at her blankly)'' Hmph.
:'''Dawn''': Wha-what's wrong?
:'''Paul''': 'What's wrong'? Who are you?
:''(the background changes to a volcano erupting with an angry Dawn)''
:'''Dawn''': Excuse ME, your rudeness, but we've met once before! The name's Dawn!
:'''Paul''': ''(beat)'' Don't remember.
:''(the background changes to the sun splitting into quarters with Dawn very angry, turning bright red and having huge glowing red eyes)''
:'''Dawn''': '''YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YA?!!'''
:'''Brock''': ''(runs in and restrains Dawn, preventing her from attacking Paul)'' Alright, come on, Dawn! Calm down!
:'''Dawn''': ''(at the same time)'' Listen, mister! You nasty, insulting, spoiled brat! Apologize!

== Wild in the Streets! ==
:''[Roark comes in, checking on Ash's training progress. And perfect timing too, cause Ash and his Pokemon are taking break as well]''
:'''Roark''': You are working hard.
:'''Ash''': Hey Roark!
:'''Roark''': Rock as far the eye can see. It is a great way of you to get ready for another battle in my gym.
:'''Ash''': And you can be sure we are working super hard!
:'''Roark''': Just don't work too hard. You simply figure out a strategy that suits you and your Pokemon as well.
:'''Ash''': ''[a bit confused on Roark's wisdom, but Ash does get it, thankfully]'' Okay, but I was just thinking about the way you fought Paul. 
:'''Roark''': Hang on a sec, this has been eating at me since our last battle. Just who is it you're trying to beat anyway? 
:'''Ash''': Oh that! Uhhh...
:'''Roark''': Right. It's understandable that you'd be concerned about Paul. But it's not Paul you're going to be battling with, it's me, right? ''[This is the reason why Ash screwed up his first battle against Roark. Ash needs to focus on the battle, not on pleasing a rival.]''
:'''Ash''': Yeah, I hear you.

== O'er The Rampardos We Watched! ==
:'''Roark''': Ash, in between battles, I don't sit around and read comic books. I've been training with Onix just as hard as ever. You may have dodged Double Edge, but there's a lot more to deal with than that in this gym. Onix, use Stealth Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roark recalls his defeated Onix. Ash does not sit around and do nothing, either.]''
:'''Roark''': You were great Onix. Thanks, now take a nice long rest. That was quite an impressive move you just made. You blew back all that debris and pulverized Onix's Stealth Rock at the same time. And I don't need to tell you how difficult it is to cause Onix any damage at all. ''[Roark's tactics may have worked once, but the one thing Gym Leaders have to learn when it comes to a rematch, a previously defeated opponent does not give repeat performances]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roark''': Aw! Aipom too?!! ''[Should have improved your training with Geodude there, Roark]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Turtwig! Use Razor Leaf while you run! 
:'''Turtwig''': Twig! ''[Turtwig charges in spamming Razor Leaf without hesitation]''
:'''Roark''': Turtwig's too far away for that! Now Rampardos, use Flamethrower! ''[Rampardos does so]''
:'''Ash''': Keep using Razor Leaf! Don't let up!
:'''Roark''': You think you can defeat us like that?! Alright Rampardos go! ''[Rampardos amps up the Flamethrower attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Turtwig is using the burning leaves for cover and a defense tactic]''
:'''Roark''': Of course! Ash has just been camouflaging Turtwig the whole time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Roark has just ordered his Rampardos to jump only to find that Turtwig is undereath Rampardos!]''
:'''Ash''': Great Turtwig! Now use Razor Leaf! SUPER CHARGE!
:''[Turtwig complies violently injuring Rampardos with the attack]''
:'''Roark''': ''[horrified]'' Augh! Rampardos! ''[Seconds later, Rampardos falls to the ground defeated.]''

== Twice Smitten, Once Shy! ==

== Mutiny in the Bounty! ==

== Ya See We Want An Evolution! ==
:''(Ash, Pikachu, Dawn, Brock, Oralie and Haley enter a wooden cabin)''
:'''Ash''': All right, Team Rocket...
:'''Everyone''': Huh?!
:''(Cut to Team Rocket who are standing on an evolution-inducing machine with Magikarp inside a capsule)''
:'''Jessie''': You're just in time to witness something totally evolutionary.
:'''James''': Preseting our Power Pack Poké Evolution Machine 1.
:'''Meowth''': And guess what? The batteries are included, and we're smokin'.
:'''Haley''': Feebas?
:'''Oralie''': What are you planning on doing to my Magikarp?
:'''James''': With this sweet baby forcing your babies to evolve, we're simply making them an offer they can't refuse.
:'''Oralie''': You can't do that!
:'''Haley''': Stop it!
:'''Brock''': All right. You give both Feebas and Magikarp back to them or else!
:'''Jessie''': An ultimatum. (Zooms up to Ash and his friends) You twerpazoids are clueless. Don't you realise these top-shelf Pokémon would be a lot topper-shelf if they evolved into Gyarados and Milotic?
:'''James''': Course you don't.
:'''Haley''': You can't...
:'''Oralie''': All our work making them strong without them evolving will have been a complete waste.
:'''Haley''': We like our Pokémon exactly the way they are right now.
:'''Jessie''': (Chortles) Which is exactly why we just love doing what we do. It's evolution time. Rock and roll!
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, thunderbolt, NOW!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-CHUUUUUU! (Gets captured in a capsule)
:'''Ash''': Pikachu!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?!
:'''James''': We figured some insulation was a good investment.
:'''Jessie''': Hee-hee-hee-hee! Of course, that's history when we evolve Pikachu so stay tuned!
:'''Ash''': Why, you! (Gets captured in a cage in along with Brock, Dawn, Haley and Oralie)
:'''Jessie''': (Laughs) Now that you're a captive audience, why not sit back, relax, and watch our machine make some of its mojo magic? The future is here now.
:'''James''': Here comes Gyarados, and how!
:'''Oralie''': Please stop!
:'''Meowth''': Please, no! (Presses a button on the remote and Magikarp goes down into the machine)
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:''(Ash and his friends gasp)''
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:''(But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this as James looks at the plans and Meowth reads the manual)''
:'''James''': Strange. I've been reading schematics for years.
:'''Meowth''': I think you're supposed to know how to read words first.
:'''Jessie''': Wait, once more.
:''(Magikarp goes down into the machine again)''
:'''Oralie''': Magikarp, no!
:'''Jessie''': Now... Gyarados!
:'' (But Magikarp comes out of the machine, unevolved again)''
:'''Magikarp''': Karp, karp, karp, karp!
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''James''': Very strange.
:'''Meowth''': It's not out of the question that the batteries they included sat in the box for too long.
:'''James''': But, wait, we could employ our imprisoned Pika power.
:'''Jessie''': And then we'll simply switch things around and ratchet our Raichu on a first.
:''(Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': No, you don't!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, pika! (Goes into the evolution machine)
:'''Jessie''': You're about to experience first-hand how change is good for the soul.
:'''James''': It's the old Pikachu to Raichu switch-a-roo!
:'''Meowth''': Hey, we're cooking now.
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, no!
:'''Jessie''': By popular demand, it's Raichu.
:''(But Pikachu comes out of the machine unevolved)''
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Haley &amp; Oralie''': Huh?
:'''Dawn &amp; Brock''': Huh?
:'''Ash''': (relieved) Pikachu, you're okay.
:''(Team Rocket are shocked by this)''
:'''Jessie''': Okay, what's your excuse this time?
:'''Meowth''': Yikes, I think I just found a disclaimer here. (Reads the disclaimer in the manual) Device may take up to one week to achieve complete evolution. Early use may result in total failure!?
:'''Jessie''': (yells at Meowth) '''YOU'RE a total failure!''' (Starts stomping on the machine) If I wasn't such a... (Throws a tantrum)
:'''James''': Hold on, they said there may be a total failure, right? You've got to admire a company with such honesty.
:'''Jessie''': (yells at James) '''OKAY. THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A STOCKHOLDER?!'''
:'' (Cut to Ash who is still in the cage)''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Iron Tail!
:'''Pikachu''': Piikkaaaa! (Uses Iron Tail on the cage, breaking it and freeing everyone inside)
:'''Ash''': It's over, guys. Give it up!
:'''Meowth''': Not so fast.
:'''Ash''': Oh!
:'''Meowth''': Listen to this, twerpies. (Reads the manual) This unit also doubles as a mechabot.
:'''James''': Mechabot?
:'''Jessie''': Wow, that is cutting edge.
:'''Meowth''': One click on the old remote, whee! (Presses the red button and it destroys the cabin)

== Borrowing On Bad Faith! ==

== Faced with Steelix Determination! ==

== Cooking Up A Sweet Story! ==

== Oh Do You Know the Poffin Plan! ==

== Getting the Pre-Contest Titters! ==
:'''Kenny''': What do you know? Dee-Dee's got herself a Pikachu. Dee-Dee's all grown up.
:'''Dawn''': KENNY, STOP! AND YOU STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE TOO! ALSO, THIS IS NOT MY PIKACHU EITHER, CAUSE IT'S HIS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': It was at the contest right before Jubilife City and I thought I had my first ribbon, but then I came up against an opponent so powerful, I didn't have a chance. She had a Glameow and her name was Zoey.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kenny''': One time, Dawn's mum made her get this haircut that she couldn't stand, so Dawn tried to cut it herself. You can't believe how it turned out. She looked just like a Chimchar.
:'''Dawn''': CAN WE ALL TRY AND GROW UP?! THAT HAPPENED WAY WAY BACK IN NURSERY SCHOOL!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': OH, GREAT! LAUGH AT A LITTLE GIRL!

== Settling a Not-So Old Score! ==
:'''Kenny''': See ya, Dee-Dee.
:'''Dawn''': Huh? STOP CALLING ME DEE-DEE!
:''[Dawn sticks her tongue out at Kenny]''
:'''Ash''': What's so bad about Dee-Dee?
:'''Dawn''': Ash, don't go there!

== Drifloon on the Wind! ==

== The Champ Twins! ==
:'''Rhonda''': ONE MORE TIME, JACK, AND IT'S BACK TO THE MAILROOM!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Good, and done! All ready!
:'''Ash''': Still looks the same.
:'''Dawn''': WILL YOU JUST GROW UP?!!

== Some Enchanted Sweetening! ==

== The Grass Type is Always Greener! ==

== An Angry Combeenation! ==

== All Dressed Up with Somewhere To Go! ==

== Buizel Your Way Out of This! ==
:'''Dawn''': I've never seen a lure like that.
:'''Ash''': This? Cool, huh? I got this from Misty a long time ago.
:'''Dawn''': Misty?
:'''Brock''': Right. She's a friend of ours who's now the Cerulean Gym leader.

== An Elite Meet and Greet! ==

== A Secret Sphere of Influence! ==

== The Grass Menagerie! ==

== One Big Happiny Family! ==

== Steamboat Willies! ==

== Top-Down Training! ==
:'''Cynthia''': When every life meets another life, something will be born.
:'''Ash''': When every life...
:'''Brock''': ...meets another life...
:'''Dawn''': ...something will be born?

== A Stand-Up Sit Down! ==

== The Electrike Company! ==

== Malice in Wonderland! ==

== Ill Will Hunting! ==

== A Maze-ing Race! ==

== Sandshrew's Locker! ==

== Dawn's Early Night! ==
:'''Dawn''': Well, at least you didn't lose in the first round now, did you?
:'''Zoey''': WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!
:'''Dawn''': Sorry.

== Tag, We're It... ! ==


== Glory Blaze! ==
:'''Paul''': ''[To Ash and Chimchar]'' You two deserve each other. You're both pathetic.
:'''Dawn''': WHY THAT'S AN AWFUL THING TO SAY, PAUL!

== Smells Like Team Spirit! ==

==External  links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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    <title>Star Wars: The Force Awakens</title>
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[[File:Star Wars The Force Awakens.jpg|thumb|The crazy thing is — ''it's true''. [[The Force]], the Jedi. [[All]] of it. It's all true. ~  [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]] ]]
'''''[[w: Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]'''''  (also known as '''''Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens''''') is a 2015 American epic space opera film directed, co-produced, and co-written by [[J. J. Abrams]]. It is the first film in the [[w:Star Wars sequel trilogy|Star Wars sequel trilogy]], announced after The Walt Disney Company's acquisition of Lucasfilm in October 2012.

==Opening crawl==
* Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, the sinister [[w:First Order (Star Wars)|FIRST ORDER]] has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed. &lt;br /&gt; With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Leia Organa leads a brave RESISTANCE. She is desperate to find her brother Luke and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy. &lt;br /&gt; Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to Luke's whereabouts....

==General Hux==
* ''[Addressing an assembly of [[w:First Order (Star Wars)|First Order]] troops]'' Today is the end of the Republic! The end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder! At this very moment in a system far from here, the New Republic lies to the galaxy while secretly supporting the treachery of the loathsome Resistance. This fierce machine which you have built, upon which we stand, will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will bow to the First Order, and will remember this as the last day of the Republic!

==Dialogue==
[[File:Cosmic Lightsaber in Orion.jpg|thumb|The [[Jedi]] were real? ~ [[w:Rey (Star Wars)|Rey]]]]
:''[The First Order troops have captured Lor San Tekka and bring him to Kylo Ren]''
:'''Kylo Ren''': Look how old you've become.
:'''Tekka''': Something far worse has happened to you.
:'''Ren''': You know what I've come for.
:'''Tekka''': I know where you come from. Before you called yourself &quot;Kylo Ren&quot;.
:'''Ren''': The map to Skywalker. We know you've found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order.
:'''Tekka''': The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not.
:'''Ren''': I'll show you the dark side.
:'''Tekka''': You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family.
:'''Ren''': You're so right. ''[draws his lightsaber and kills Tekka]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rey and Finn, under fire from First Order TIE fighters, run towards a quadjumper to escape Jakku]''
:'''Finn''': What about that ship? ''[points in another direction]''
:'''Rey''': That one's garbage! ''[sees the quadjumper destroyed by the TIEs; stunned]'' The garbage will do. ''[they run towards the &quot;garbage&quot; ship, which appears to be the ''[[w:Millennium Falcon|Millennium Falcon]]'']''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Having just ensnared the ''Millennium Falcon'' aboard their own ship, the ''Eravana'', Han Solo and Chewbacca board it with their weapons ready.]''
:'''Han Solo''': Chewie, we're home. ''[nods to Chewbacca to check out the ship, then lifts off the grating and is shocked to see Rey and Finn with their hands raised in surrender]'' Where are the others? Where's the pilot?
:'''Rey''': I'm the pilot.
:'''Han''': You?! ''[Chewie grunts in disbelief]''
:'''Rey''': No, it's true; we're the only ones on board.
:'''Finn''': ''[regarding Chewbacca]'' You can understand that thing?
:'''Han''': And that &quot;thing&quot; can understand you, too, so watch it! Come on outta there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Supreme Leader Snoke''': The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance, leading them to the last Jedi. If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise.
:'''General Hux''': Supreme Leader, I take full responsibility—
:'''Snoke''': GENERAL! Our strategy must now change.
:'''Hux''': The weapon... it is ready. I believe the time has come to use it. We shall destroy the government that supports the Resistance... the Republic. Without their friends to protect them, the Resistance will be vulnerable, and we will stop them before they reach Skywalker.
:'''Snoke''': Go. Oversee preparations.
:'''Hux''': Yes, Supreme Leader.
:'''Snoke''': There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?
:'''Ren''': Yes.
:'''Snoke''': There's something more. The droid we seek is aboard the ''Millennium Falcon''... in the hands of your father, Han... Solo.
:'''Ren''': He means nothing to me.
:'''Snoke''': Even you, Master of the Knights of Ren, have never faced such a test.
:'''Ren''': By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced.
:'''Snoke''': We shall see. ''[as his hologram fades]'' We shall see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kylo Ren talking to Vader's helmet]''
:'''Kylo Ren''': Forgive me. I feel it again. The pull to the light. Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again. The power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me, Grandfather...and I will finish...what you started.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[BB-8 shows Han, Finn, and Rey the map to Luke Skywalker]''
:'''Han''': This map's not complete. It's just a piece. Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him.
:'''Rey''': Why did he leave?
:'''Han''': He was training a new generation of Jedi. There was nobody else left to do it, so he took the burden on himself. Everything was going great, until... one boy, an apprentice, turned against him and destroyed it all. Luke felt responsible. He just... walked away from everything.
:'''Finn''': Do you know what happened to him?
:'''Han''': There were a lot of rumors. Stories. People who knew him best, think he went looking for the first [[w:Jedi|Jedi]] temple.
:'''Rey''': ''[in awe]'' The Jedi were real?
:'''Han''': I used to wonder about that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. A magical power holding together good and evil, the dark side and the light. Crazy thing is... it's true. The Force, the Jedi. All of it. It's all true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having experienced a strange vision after touching the Skywalker lightsaber, Rey stumbles backwards out of the room. She sees Maz Kanata walk towards her]''
:'''Rey''': What was that? ''[pause]'' I shouldn't have gone in there.
:'''Maz''': That lightsaber was Luke's, and his father's before him, and now, it calls to ''you''.
:'''Rey''': I have to get back to Jakku.
:'''Maz''': Han told me. ''[She removes her goggles and takes Rey's hand]'' Dear child, I see your eyes; you already know the truth. Whomever you're waiting for on Jakku, they're never coming back. ''[Rey sheds a tear]'' But there's someone who still could. 
:'''Rey''': Luke. 
:'''Maz''': The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead. I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes... feel it. The light... it's always been there, it will guide you. The saber, take it.
:'''Rey''': I'm never touching that thing again. I don't want any part of this! ''[runs away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rey''': Where am I?	
:'''Ren''': You're my guest.
:'''Rey''': Where are the others?
:'''Ren''': You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call ''friends''? You'll be relieved to hear I have no idea. ''[slight pause]'' You still want to kill me.
:'''Rey''': That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask.
:'''Ren''': ''[removes his mask, revealing his face. He moves forward, slams his mask down onto a table. He stands in front of Rey]'' Tell me about the droid.
:'''Rey''': He's a BB-unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator—
:'''Ren''': Carrying a section of the navigation chart. We have the rest, recovered from the archives of the Empire, but we need the last piece, and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You...a scavenger. ''[slight pause]'' You know I can take whatever I want. ''[reaches his hand towards Rey's face. Rey looks away, struggling to keep Kylo Ren out of her head]'' You've been so lonely, so afraid to leave. At night, desperate to sleep, you imagine an ocean. I see it. I see the island. And Han Solo; you feel like he's like the father you never had. He would've disappointed you.
:'''Rey''': Get out of my head!
:'''Ren''': ''[moves back, keeping his hand close to Rey's face]'' I know you've seen the map. It's in there, and now, you'll give it to me. ''[continues to probe Rey's mind. Rey continues to resist]'' Don't be afraid; I feel it, too.
:'''Rey''': I'm not giving you anything!
:'''Ren''': We'll see. ''[struggles to read Rey's thoughts. After a few moments, he looks at Rey with disbelief]''
:'''Rey''': You... you're afraid... that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader!
:''[Ren puts his hand down. Both he and Rey stare at each other, confused and afraid of what has happened]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snoke''': The scavenger resisted you?!
:'''Ren''': She is strong with the Force! Untrained, but stronger than she knows!
:'''Snoke''': And the droid?
:'''Hux''': Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us… that the girl was all we needed. As a result, the droid has most likely been returned to the hands of the enemy. They may have the map already.
:'''Snoke''': Then the Resistance must be destroyed before they get to Skywalker.
:'''Hux''': We have their location. We tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system.
:'''Snoke''': Good. Then we will crush them once and for all. Prepare the weapon.
:'''Ren''': Supreme Leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.
:'''Snoke''': If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poe''': The scan data from Snap's reconnaissance flight confirms Finn's report.
:'''Snap''': They've somehow created a hyper lightspeed weapon built within the planet itself.
:'''Brance''': A laser cannon?
:'''Snap''': We're not sure how to describe a weapon of this scale.
:'''Major Ematt''': It's another Death Star.
:'''Poe''': I wish that were the case, Major. ''[Poe controls a holographic display showing the Death Star.]'' This ''was'' the Death Star... ''[presses a button that scales the Death Star against a colossally large Starkiller Base]'' ... and this is Starkiller Base.
:'''Han''': So it's big.
:'''Admiral Ackbar''': How is it possible to power a weapon of that size?
:'''Finn''': It uses the power of the sun. As the weapon is charged, the sun is drained until it disappears.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[before Han takes Finn, Chewie, and the ''Falcon'' on the mission to Starkiller Base]''
:'''Leia''': You know, no matter how much we fought, I've always hated watching you leave.
:'''Han''': That's why I did it. So you'd miss me.
:'''Leia''': I did miss you. 
:'''Han''': It wasn't all bad, was it? Huh? Some of it was... good.
:'''Leia''': Pretty good.
:'''Han''': Some things never change.
:'''Leia''': True. You still drive me crazy. ''[they embrace once more]'' If you see our son, bring him home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rey encounters Finn, Han, and Chewie in Starkiller Base]''
:'''Rey''': Finn, what are you doing here?
:'''Finn''': We came back for you.
:'''Chewbacca''': ''[explanatory grunt]''
:'''Finn''': What did he say?
:'''Rey''': That it was your idea. ''[hugs Finn]'' Thank you.
:'''Finn''': How did you get away?
:'''Rey''': I can't explain it, and you wouldn't believe it.
:'''Han''': Escape now, hug later!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Han sees Kylo Ren cross a walkway over Starkiller Base's reactor shaft. He hesitates at first, but decides to confront him]''
:'''Han''': BEN!
:'''Ren''': Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.
:'''Han''': ''[slowly walking towards Ren]'' Take off that mask. You don't need it.
:'''Ren''': What do you think you'll see if I do?
:'''Han''': The face of my son.
:'''Ren''': ''[removes his mask]'' Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him.
:'''Han''': That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive.
:'''Ren''': No. The Supreme Leader is wise.
:'''Han''': Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true.
:'''Ren''': It's too late.
:'''Han''': No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.
:'''Ren''': ''[Gradually pained]'' I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?
:'''Han''': Yes. Anything.
:''[Ren drops his mask, and offers his lightsaber to Han. As Han grabs it, the last rays of sunlight are absorbed into the Starkiller weapon, and Ren hesitates. After a brief moment, however, Ren ignites his saber through Han's chest, and Chewbacca roars in despair]''
:'''Rey''': NO!!!
:'''Ren''': ''[To a distraught Han]'' Thank you.
:''[Han touches his son's face, then succumbs to his wound, his body tumbling off the walkway down the reactor shaft]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hux''': Supreme Leader! The fuel cells have ruptured! The collapse of the planet has begun!
:'''Snoke''': Leave the base at once and come to me with Kylo Ren. It is time to complete his training.

== Quotes about ''The Force Awakens'' ==
* I came on board and Disney had already decided they didn’t want to go that direction [with George Lucas's treatments], so the mandate was to start from scratch and tell a story that was the continuum… And Kathleen Kennedy brought on Larry Kasdan and Michael Arndt, and it was those people I began working with.
* We didn’t write a treatment but there are countless times we came up with something and said “oh, this would be so great for Episode VIII!” or “That's what we could get to in IX!” It was just that kind of forward-moving story. But we knew this had to neither be a backwards moving nostalgic trip only nor a beginning of a movie without a satisfying conclusion, and that was part of the balancing act — embracing what we have inherited and using that where and whenever possible to tell a story that hasn’t been seen yet.
** J.J. Abrams [http://www.slashfilm.com/jj-abrams-interview-star-wars-the-force-awakens/]

* It has been three decades since the events of the original trilogy. The dark and mysterious First Order has stepped into the power vacuum once held by the Empire. And the newly named Resistance fights in place of the Rebel Alliance, which has begun a tragic shift to the dark side.
: Remember, the Dark Side was never explicitly tied to the Empire; the Force itself exists outside of mere temporal authority structures.
:* [[Stephen Colbert]] [http://www.ew.com/article/2015/10/29/star-wars-stephen-colbert]

* &lt;!-- The wait is over. The movie event of the year is here. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, number seven in the series for those who wouldn't know a Jedi from a Jar Jar, emerges bloody with unrealistic expectations but gloriously unbowed.  --&gt; It's everything the kid in us goes to the movies for — marvelous adventure that leaves us surprised, scared and euphoric. … As any [[Star Wars]] fan knows, bloodlines are crucial to the plot. And there are times when everyone seems related to everyone else. (The [[George Lucas|Lucas]] template is drawn from sources as diverse as [[the Bible]], [[Shakespeare]], [[Sophocles#Oedipus_Rex|Oedipus Rex]] and [[w:Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner|Road Runner cartoons]].) Bad things happen to those who issue spoilers about this franchise. But I will say this: The action, from lightsaber duels to X-wing dogfights with TIE Fighters, is explosive and buoyed by [[John Williams]]' exultant score. And the movie is also funny as hell. Abrams knows how to build a [[laugh]] and fill the emotional spaces between words. He's a fanboy who knows what fanboys want, but he also delivers the goods for the rest of us. Giving starring roles to a black man, a white woman and a Latino is the right idea that could have gone seriously wrong; instead, it's quietly history making.
** [[w:Peter Travers|Peter Travers]], in his [http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/star-wars-the-force-awakens-20151216 review in ''Rolling Stone'' (16 December 2015)]

== Cast ==
* [[Harrison Ford]] - Han Solo
* [[Mark Hamill]] - Luke Skywalker
* [[Peter Mayhew]] - Chewbacca
* [[Carrie Fisher]] - General Leia Organa
* [[w:Adam Driver|Adam Driver]] - Kylo Ren
* [[w:Daisy Ridley|Daisy Ridley]] - Rey
* [[w:John Boyega|John Boyega]] - FN-2187 / Finn
* [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] - Poe Dameron
* [[w:Lupita Nyong'o|Lupita Nyong'o]] - Maz Kanata
* [[w:Andy Serkis|Andy Serkis]] - Supreme Leader Snoke
* [[w:Domhnall Gleeson|Domhnall Gleeson]] - General Hux
* [[Anthony Daniels]] - C-3PO
* [[w:Max von Sydow|Max von Sydow]] - Lor San Tekka
----
{{Star Wars}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{Official website|http://www.starwars.com/the-force-awakens}}
* [http://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-vii-the-force-awakens ''Star Wars: The Force Awakens'' at Starwars.com]
* {{IMDb title|2488496|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_episode_vii|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}}

[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:Star Wars films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by J. J. Abrams]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Lawrence Kasdan]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Michael Arndt]]
[[Category:Films directed by J.J. Abrams]]</text>
      <sha1>o9eaxeix91un02as9ns0jbsdu39sn7v</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Text</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>189063</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153485</id>
      <parentid>2369209</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T07:49:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:100:C100:560:0:0:0:3D02</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1364" xml:space="preserve">In [[literary theory]], a '''[[w:Text (literary theory)|text]]''' is any object that can be [[reading|read]], a work of [[literature]], a street sign, an [[architecture|arrangement of buildings]] on a city block, or styles of clothing. It is a coherent set of signs that transmits some kind of informative message. This set of symbols is considered in terms of the informative message's content, rather than in terms of its physical form or medium in which it is represented.
{{theme-stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The student is to read history actively and not passively; to esteem his own life the text, and books the commentary.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], “History,” Essays: First Series, Complete Works (1883), p. 13


* Experience of the world may be looked upon as a kind of text, to which reflection and knowledge form the commentary. Where there is great deal of reflection and intellectual knowledge, and very little experience, the result is like those books which have on each page two lines of text to forty lines of commentary. A great deal of experience with little reflection and scant knowledge gives us books ... where there are no notes and much that is unintelligible.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''Counsels and Maxims'', T. Saunders, trans., § 8

==See also==
* [[Book ]]
* [[Language]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Text (literary theory)}}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 15</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="19357" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]]| [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
&lt;br/&gt;
This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Black and White Rival Destinies, the fifteenth season of the Pokémon animated series.

==Enter Elesa, Electrifying Gym Leader!==
:'''Cilan''': ''[reading note near the Gym entrance]'' I regret I'll be away for the fashion show.
:'''Bianca''': I was just reading something about that. ''[flips through her magazine]'' Here it is, it's close by! Awww...let's go! It's a chance to see Elesa in her very own fashion show! Wow! ''[dashes off to the fashion show]''
:'''Iris''': Well, what about you? 
:'''Ash''': Well, without a Gym Leader, I guess I'm stuck.
:'''Cilan''': I know! Why don't we go too? Learning about a Gym Leader before you battle might be good thing. 
:'''Ash''': Yeah, you're right!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Elesa is showing off her new outfits on the runway...]''
:'''Bianca''': Awesome...
:'''Ash''': Yeah...
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu! [Indeed]
:''[At this point, Elesa turns her attention to Ash and pals.]''
:'''Elesa''': Huh? I'm tingling all over! ''[She leaps off the runway and meets the heroes face to face.]''
:'''Ash''': Whoa!
:'''Elesa''': A Pikachu! Never seen one up close! Wow, you shine like the sun! Is this your Pikachu?
 &lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Iris''': Since Ash lost, does that mean he has to go back to Pallet Town?
:'''Ash''': IRIS, STOP!!

==Dazzling the Nimbasa Gym!==
:''[Ash's Palpitoad loses against Elesa's Emolga]''
:'''Ash''': ''[horrified]'' You can't be serious! I was going to win every battle with you! ''[sadly recalls Palpitoad]''
:'''Iris''': ''[baffled]'' Ash's strategy was just Palpitoad?
:'''Cilan''': Well, if I have to guess, yes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Elesa''': Attract, won't you? ''[Her Emolga complies]''
:'''Ash''': Snivy, counter with Attract! ''[His Snivy also does so...wait a second...]''
:'''Cilan''': An Attract Battle?!
:'''Iris''': Isn't Snivy a girl?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Both Snivy and Emolga's Attract cancel each other out as they are both females!]''
:'''Ash''': Attract didn't work!
:'''Elesa''': ''[surprised]'' You're right! By any chance, does your Snivy happen to be a female?
:'''Ash''': ''[looking completely embarrassed]'' Argh, of course! I totally forgot!!
:''[Cut to Iris, Cilan, Pikachu and Axew with disbelieving expressions and face-fault.]''
: '''Iris''' ''[eyebrow twitching]'': How many times will it take for Ash to learn that Attract doesn't work between girls!?
:'''Cilan''': Good question, although this is Ash after all!
:''[Pikachu and Axew sitting with their backs against each other, sweatdropping]'' 
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pikachu... [My trainer is an idiot!]
:'''Axew''': Axew...[Agreed...]
:''[It gets worse...]''
:'''Ash''': So who cares? Electric-type moves aren't very effective on Grass type Pokemon anyway.
:'''Elesa''' ''[smiling indulgently]'': I think you've forgotten something, Ash.
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Elesa''': Emolga may be an Electric-type, but remember it's a Flying-type as well.
:'''Ash''': That's right! Flying-type moves are super effective against Grass-types...''[freaks out immediately]'' OH MAN, SNIVY'S A GRASS-TYPE POKÉMON!! ''[Really Ash? How can you screw up this BAD?!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pikachu''': PIKA-PIKACHU!! [JUST USE ME YOU IMBECILE!] 
:'''Ash''': You got any ideas?
:'''Pikachu''': PIKA! PIKACHU! [YES! USE ME FOR THE FIGHT!] Pi...[Well?!]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Elesa''': ''[recalls Emolga]'' Emolga, you were brilliant...like the sun. ''[To Ash and Pikachu]'' You two are shining bright! So bright that I can hardly look straight at you both, like a million shooting stars. So if that's the case, I'll just have to make sure we shine a million times brighter than you! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Elesa''': ''[sees Pikachu climbing out of the hole trap her Tynamo put him in]'' There's that sparkle again!

==Ash Versus The Champion!==
:'''Trip''': Alder! It's me!
:'''Alder''': You? Well, I'll be!
:'''Trip''': We only met once when I was a kid! I can't believe you still remember me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': Hi! I'm Ash Ketchum. Will you have a battle with me?
:'''Trip''': HEY, COOL YOUR JETS! ALDER'S BATTLING ME FIRST!
:'''Ash''': IT'S FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
:'''Trip''': WHAT?!
:''[Ash and Trip struggle on who will battle Alder first]''
:'''Alder''': The price of things. Now, just relax. I'll battle both of you!

==Battling the King of the Mines!==
:''[Clay summons Krokorok into the battle]''
:'''Ash''': Krokorok, huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pikachu! [Ready when you are!]
:'''Ash''': Hold on Pikachu. We got a problem. Krokorok is a Ground-type. Your Electric type moves won't be effective against it! 
:'''Pikachu''': Pikaa....[Awwww....]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ash's Snivy effortlessly stomps out Clay's Palpitoad, much to Clay's fury]''
:'''Clay''': WHY YOU LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER PIPSQUEAK! Palpitoad return! ''[furiously recalls Palpitoad]'' You're really starting to make me mad and I don't like that! If there's one thing that I will not tolerate, it's an unfair battle!
:'''Ash''': Unfair?! What are you talking about?! That was just my strategy.
:'''Clay''': STRATEGY?! A young whippersnapper like you should forget about strategy and attack head on like a real man! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': My goal is to become a Pokemon Master. I'm not about to give up now.
:'''Clay''': You still don't get it, kid. ''[shows off his pickaxe to Ash]'' Take a look at this pickaxe. I started digging this mine with it along with Excadrill back when I was a young whippersnapper about your age. And now look how big it is. But you think that you're all ready to become a Pokemon master lickety-split. I used this pickaxe to dig every square inch of this mine which earned me the title, King of the Mines! So my job is to show you how tough the road to the top really is, see? ''[Note: In other words, there are no shortcuts in life, hard work is how you can get to the top]''

==Battling the Bully==
:'''Ash:''' You'll be a trainer before you know it. Take it from me.
:'''Mick:''' Cool! I'm gonna travel all over the world and catch lots of Pokémon, and then I'm gonna make them all my friends.
:'''Ash:''' Don't forget, this is what's important! ''[places his fist over Mick's heart]''
:'''Mick:''' Hmm?
:'''Ash:''' It's your heart, for sure!
:'''Mick:''' Yeah?
:'''Ash:''' You bet. It doesn't matter if you're catching Pokémon or battling: Making sure you do it all with your heart is the most important thing of all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After losing to a Pokémon battle to Mick, fair and square]''
:'''Glenn:''' Look, Punk! I don't remember telling you you could beat me.
:'''Mick:''' But all I was doing was battling the best that I know how.
:'''Glenn:''' THAT'S WHAT I MEAN!! ''[raises his fist to punch Mick]''
:'''Mick:''' Ohh! ''[covers his face]''
:''[Ash's hand grabs Glenn's fist before he lands a punch.]''
:'''Ash:''' HEY!
:'''Glenn:''' Huh?
:''[Iris and Cilan look on with a look of shock, seeing the serious angry side of Ash.]''
:'''Ash:''' STOP IT!

==Baffling the Bouffalant==

==Cilan Takes Flight!==
:'''Cilan''': Of all the ridiculous... '''STOP THIS!!!'''
:''[Cilan angrily stomps off towards Skyla]''
:'''Iris''': Cilan!
:'''Ash''': I'M COMING TOO!
:''[Ash heads off with Cilan as well]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Skyla''': Thanks! I think I can squeeze in a quick flight.
:'''Ash &amp; Cilan''': SKYLA!!!
:'''Skyla''': What's wrong?
:''[Ash &amp; Cilan furiously march towards Skyla]''
:'''Ash''': COME ON! YOU CALL THOSE GYM BATTLES?!!
:'''Cilan''': I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE US AN EXPLAINATION, '''IN FULL!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Skyla''': I'm not getting any complaints! If I know the results, then why bother going to all that trouble? And besides, sweaty battles are so yesterday. Later, Grandpa!

==An Amazing Aerial Battle!==

==Battling the Leaf Thieves!==
:'''Ash''': Wow. Thanks Emolga. Swadloon evolved because of you. That was a great battle.
:'''Emolga''': Emol? Emol-Emol-Emol! [I did? I mean, thanks! I'm glad I could help your Swadloon evolve in battle!]
:'''Iris''': You're the best, Emolga!

==Evolution by Fire!==
:''[Note: This Pokemon episode has the lowest ratings in the entire series. This episode is the reason why the writers cannot reuse the story about Ash's Fire-type starters being abandoned by an abusive trainer anymore.]''

:'''Shamus''': Come on, Fire Warriors! Emboar, Heatmor, showtime!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After recalling his defeated Emboar and Heatmor, Shamus walks over to Ash, Snivy and Pignite]''
:'''Ash''': You still got a problem, Shamus?!
:'''Shamus''': Oh no, you won the battle fair and square. ''[to Pignite]'' Sorry Pignite. I was totally wrong when I said you had no talent and I hope you'll forgive me.
:'''Pignite''': Pignite? [Forgive you?]
:'''Shamus''': Hey, I know! Since you haven't been able to forget me after all this time, why don't you come back to the team? We'll be great, give up on this loser trainer and come with me. We'll reach the top with the new Fire Warriors! What do you say? 
:''[Pignite thinks a second, but remembering that Shamus replaced him with a 'better' Emboar, Pignite violently retaliates with Flamethrower burning Shamus' face. Pignite stands next to Ash]''
:'''Ash''': You see, Pignite's one of the gang. Looks like we're staying as a team. ''[Both Pignite and Snivy agree]''
:'''Shamus''': ''[runs away embarrassed, almost tearing up]'' I'll remember this!

:''[Note: Audience members are not stupid as they can compare Pignite with Charizard and Infernape. Not only that, but the writers failed to evolve Ash's Pignite into an Emboar when they had the chance to do so. This is why Pignite is not well received compared to Ash's previous two fully-evolved Fire-type Starters.]''

==Guarding the Guardian of the Mountain!==

==Caution: Icy Battle Conditions!==

==Clash of the Connoisseurs!==
:'''Nurse Joy''': Ash, wait! Did you just say you were going to the Opelucid Gym?
:'''Ash''': You bet! We're heading on over, right now!
:'''Nurse Joy''': Then I guess I have a little bad news for you. I just received word that the Opelucid Gym is closed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As the heroes are riding in a limousine to Mr. Hatterly's mansion, they meet a familiar face at the gate]''
:'''Cilan''': Burgundy? What are you doing here?
:'''Burgundy''': I came all this way because I heard they were looking for a skilled Pokemon Connoisseuse but they won't let me in!
:'''Butler''': You will have to forgive us. Mr. Hatterly requires the services of an A-Class Pokemon Connoisseur! 
:'''Cilan''': Now let me see. You're a...
:'''Burgundy''': What's wrong with C-Class, monsieur?!
:'''Cilan''': Why nothing! 
:'''Butler''': I fear a C-Class like yourself won't suffice. ''[Keep in mind, C-Class connoisseurs are beginners and are way less experienced when compared to A-Class Connoisseurs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cilan''': I pride myself in my knowledge in all Pokemon Connoisseurs, but I've never heard of you.
:''''Fauxgundy'''': Uhh...I became an S-Class Connoisseur long before you two were born, that's it!
:'''Ricard Nouveau''': ''[unconvinced]'' Now that's strange. I didn't think there ''was'' a connoisseur association back then. 
:'''Cilan''': Would you mind showing us your Connoisseur badge once more?
:''''Fauxgundy'''': Of all the INSULTING...''[At the same time, a Lillipup starts playing with the badge]'' You give that back!
:''[Lillipup licks the badge causing the 'S' sticker to fall off revealing that it is just a 'C' Badge]''
:'''Cilan''': Why, that's a C-Class badge!
:'''Ricard Nouveau''': You forged it to look just like an S-Class Badge!
:''''Fauxgundy'''': Give that back! ''[As 'Fauxgundy' tackles Lillipup, the outfit becomes ruined revealing it is none other than Burgundy]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ricard Nouveau summons his Purrloin into the battlefield]''
:'''Cilan''': ''[horrified]'' Augh! NOT A PURRLOIN!
:'''Ricard Nouveau''': Oh, something wrong? You're not afraid of a Purrloin?
:'''Cilan''': No...I'm just fine. ''[Not really]'' We'll just attack head on and now presenting my Crustle!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Crustle's Rock Wrecker knocks out Ricard Nouveau's Purrloin and also sends an unseen Burgundy blasting off Team Rocket style!]''
:'''Ash''': Huh? Could have sworn I've heard that before.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Cilan is declared winner of the Connoisseur battle]''
:'''Ricard Nouveau''': Purrloin, you'll be alright. Now take a good rest. ''[recalls Purrloin]''
:'''Cilan''': ''[walking up to Ricard Nouveau with Crustle]'' Ricard. So, what do you think of Crustle?
:'''Ricard Nouveau''': ''[a bit embarrassed but admits...]'' I guess you and Crustle are sparkling and unpredictable after all.

==Crisis at Ferroseed Research!==

==An Epic Defence Force!==

==Rocking the Virbank Gym! Part 1==

==Rocking the Virbank Gym! Part 2==

==All for the Love of Meloetta!==

==Piplup, Pansage, and a Meeting of Times!==
:''[As Ash enters the living room, Dawn and Piplup sneak up behind him. Dawn taps on Ash's shoulder]''
:'''Ash''': Huh?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Who was that?]
:''[As Ash turns to one side, Dawn steps aside, then Ash turns to the other side, Dawn steps on the opposite side]''
:'''Ash''': Who's that? ''[turns around and realizes it's his pals from Sinnoh]'' It's Dawn!
:'''Pikachu''': Pi-Pi-chu! [Good to see you again!]
:'''Dawn''': Hi! It's been a long time, Ash! ''[gives Ash a wink]''
:'''Piplup''': Pip-Piplup! [Hiya Pikachu!]
:'''Ash''': ''[does the same thing]'' Sure has!
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! [Hi again, Piplup!]
:''Both Ash and Dawn do their Hi-Touch high five]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Oshawott angrily attacks Piplup with Aqua Jet given that Piplup was interacting with Meloetta, much to their trainer's shock]''
:'''Oshawott''': Osha! [That'll teach ya!]
:'''Piplup''': Piplup! [What do you think you're doing?!]
:'''Dawn''': Piplup, all you alright?
:'''Ash''': OSHAWOTT! Why did you do that to Piplup? Now say you're sorry!
:'''Oshawott''': Osha? ... Oshawott. [Sorry? Ugh... I'm sorry.]
:'''Piplup''': ...Lup! [...No, you're not!]
:'''Oshawott''': Grr!
:'''Piplup''': Grr!
:'''Ash''': Man.
:'''Cilan''': It looks like Oshawott like Meloetta.
:'''Dawn''': I'd say Piplup does too. Looks like there's a bit of competition going on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Oshawott gets mad and jealous that Piplup is dancing with Meloetta. As the two continue dancing and singing, Piplup gives Oshawott a rude smirk]''
:'''Piplup''': Lu-lup! [U mad bro?]
:'''Oshawott''': OSHA-SHA! [SHUT UP!]
:'''Iris''': Looks like things are starting to heat up.
:'''Ash''': ''[unimpressed]'' Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dawn''': Guess connoisseurs love talking as much as they love food.
:'''Piplup''': Piplup? [You serious?]

==Expedition to Onix Island!==
:'''Dawn''': You're an awesome chef, Cilan! He'd give Brock a run for his money, right?
:'''Ash''': Right!
:'''Iris''': Who's Brock, Ash?
:'''Ash''': He's a good friend who was on my journey with for a long time. He was always making meals for us.

==Iris and the Rogue Dragonite!==
:'''Dawn''': I can't do a thing with my hair! It almost acts like it has a mind of its own!
:'''Iris''': Ever notice a pattern here? You go through the same routine day after day.

==Goodbye Junior Cup-Hello Adventure!==
:'''Referee''': Serperior is unable to continue! Bouffalant wins! And that means the winner is Alder the Champion!
:'''Freddy O'Martian''': Alder wins the battle with just one attack! A brave challenge by Trip sure, but he falls short of victory! Once again, Alder proves why he is a Champion! ''[Until Journeys when Iris became the new Unova Champion, causing Trip's failure of accomplishing his goal of defeating Alder more permanent]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Trip''': Alder.
:'''Alder''': What is it?
:'''Trip''': I didn't stand a chance against you. Won't you please tell me what I did wrong in our battle? I must have been lacking something.
:'''Alder''': You really didn't do anything wrong. You weren't lacking anything. ''[Except experience]''
:'''Trip''': But you beat me. You kept me from showing how strong I've become.
:'''Alder''': So what if I did? Thinking back, you asked me the same thing a while ago. I'm pretty sure I know the answer but do you have any admiration for a man like me? Winning, losing, strength, weakness, in the end, your Pokémon will determine all that. There is no easy answer to what you ask. But if I have to choose one thing, I'd say look at all you've learned from the day you started on your journey right up to today. That may be the answer you seek.
:'''Trip''': Everything I learned...
:''[Note: This loss was to remind fans that while Trip is a skilled trainer, he is very inexperienced. Trip represents a trainer who thinks that defeating a Champion is easy in real life like in the video games but not realizing there is a difference between video games and reality.]''

==The Road to Humilau!==

==Unrest at the Nursery!==

==Meloetta and the Undersea Temple!==
:'''Ash''': What's up, Pikachu?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika.
:''[A Persian jumps out from behind a bush)
:'''Persian''': Me-owww. (Ash, Pikachu and Meloetta jump out of the way) Purrrr.
:'''Ash''': Hey, that Pokémon...
:'''Persian''': Raowww. (Ash scans it with his PokéDex)
:'''Ash's PokéDex''': Persian, the classy cat Pokémon and the evolved form of Meowth. Persian can walk silently, thanks to its nimble muscles. It pounces on its prey at lightning speed.
:'''Ash''': (to Meloetta) Make yourself invisible. Quick! (Meloetta goes invisible) All right.
:'''Persian''': Purrrr. Rawh!
:'''Ash''': Huh? (Sees Giovanni standing on a floating disc and wearing goggles)
:'''Giovanni''': Mmm. Meloetta, I know you're here. Make it easy on yourself and come out.
:'''Ash''': Get away! Hurry!
:'''Giovanni''': Persian, use Shadow Claw.
:''[Persian uses Shadow Claw]''
:'''Ash''': Pikachu, Iron Tail.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika-chu! (Uses Iron Tail on Persian)
:'''Giovanni''': Power Gem.
:''[Persian unleashes a powerful Power Gem attack on Pikachu, blasting him into Ash]''
:'''Ash''': Oh!
:''[Meloetta reappears]''
:'''Meloetta''': Oh, no! (Ash and Pikachu get trapped in a force field cage, fired from a helicopter above them which turns into a cube, trapping them) No-me. No!
:'''Giovanni''': Meloetta. (Meloetta turns to him) Do as I say immediately, or the boy and his Pikachu will be very sorry.
:''[The cube starts to shrink a bit]''
:'''Ash''': What's going on?
:'''Pikachu''': Pika!
:'''Giovanni''': In just a moment, they'll be much smaller than they are now.
:'''Ash''': Meloetta, get out of here.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika pika!
:'''Meloetta''': No-me, no!
:''[The cube grows a bit]''
:'''Giovanni''': That's a good Pokémon. (Returns Persian to its Poké ball)

==Unova's Survival Crisis!==

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
      <sha1>3cuduc7f6bsjyypuo3no4cyyxnakrny</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Zoey 101 (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192675</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153253</id>
      <parentid>3121437</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:57:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>67.7.31.110</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Welcome To PCA */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="25465" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Zoey 101 (season 1)|1]] [[Zoey 101 (season 2)|2]] [[Zoey 101 (season 3)|3]] [[Zoey 101 (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Zoey 101|Main]]'''
----
The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Zoey 101]]''. It was aired between January 9 to May 1, 2005.

== Welcome To PCA ==
:'''Zoey''': How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?
:''(A few raise their hands)''
:'''Zoey''': How many of you would say you're good at basketball?
:'''Quinn''': Um, I once made a basketball explode!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;  

:'''Zoey''': ''(to Chase)'' My hero.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dana''': Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!
:'''Nicole''': Works for me.
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl who can play on this team?
:'''Coach''': I think everyone has noticed it
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': But that's my stuff! ''(Dana glares at her)'' That I'll be moving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': Better be going. Oh, and be careful.
:'''Zoey''': Why be careful?
:'''Chase''': Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.
:'''Zoey''': Like hanging your bike from a tree?
:'''Chase''': Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.
:'''Zoey''': Later.
:'''Chase''': Oh, and I forgot to say, &quot;Welcome to PCA&quot;.
:'''Zoey''': Go save your bike.
:'''Chase''': Right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.
:'''Logan''': You serious?
:'''Nicole''': Zoey!
:'''Zoey''': I'm serious.
:'''Logan''': Good. This Friday?
:'''Zoey''': Why not?
:'''Logan''': Then, you're on!
:'''Zoey''': Good!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Michael''': Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.
:'''Chase''': And cake.
:'''Zoey''': Oh, so you guys just want pizza.
:'''Chase''': And cake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Logan''': Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.
:'''Zoey''': And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dana''': Can I play?
:'''Zoey''': Um, we kind of already have a full team.
:'''Quinn''':  Bye!
:'''Zoey''': I guess you're in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are &quot;suckish&quot;
:'''Quinn''': Is &quot;Suckish&quot; a word? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Logan''': Hope you girls have learned your lesson!
:'''Coach''': I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dustin''': Psst, Zoey, psst!
:'''Zoey''': Dustin?
:'''Dustin''': Good Luck! But I can't root for you.
:'''Zoey''': Why not?
:'''Dustin''': Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!
:'''Zoey''': Don't let them scare you!
:'''Dustin''': Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': ''(about the urinal)'' Why is it here?
:'''Zoey''': Because this used to be a boy's dorm.
:'''Nicole''': Well, it creeps me out.
:'''Zoey''': You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.
:'''Nicole''': Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(points to Jim)''...Jim
:'''Zoey''': That's the gym?
:'''Chase''': Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!
:'''Zoey''': 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.
:'''Chase''': Jim's good people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!
:'''Zoey''': No, you're not.
:'''Nicole''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': You play sports?
:'''Nicole''': Is shopping a sport?
:'''Zoey''': No.
:'''Nicole''': Then, no.

== New Roomies ==
:'''Dana''': It's my bed.
:'''Nicole''': It's my head.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use  a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': (screams) Quinn!
:'''Quinn''': Yeah?
:'''Zoey''': What are you doing?
:'''Quinn''': Monitoring your dreams. I think you might be having a nightmare.
:'''Zoey''': I am now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Michael''': Save me!
:'''Chase''': From what?
:'''Michael''': ''(Points to Quinn)'' From that!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Maybe sometime you could hang out with me and my roommates!
:'''Quinn''': Aren't they the ones always fighting?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . . . 
:'''Zoey''': ''(laughs)'' I like fooseball.
:'''Chase''': Yeah, Fooseball's cool.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(to Nicole and Dana)'' What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': We have to be at class by 8!
:'''Dana''': Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Quinn''': It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them &quot;Quinnventions.&quot;
:'''Zoey''': Oh, that's very . . . &quot;Quinnteresting&quot;!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her &quot;Quinnventions.&quot;
:'''Chase''': &quot;Quinnventions&quot;?
:'''Zoey''' ''(About Quinn)'' Yeah. She combined her name with the word &quot;Inventions.&quot;
:'''Chase''': Ah! So she's... &quot;Quinnsane&quot;!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Michael''': 'Sup Chase?
:'''Chase''': Oh! Hey! ''(attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)''
:'''Michael''': Whose the rose for?
:'''Chase''': Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.
:'''Michael''': That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?
:'''Chase''':  That's an idea!!
:'''Chase''':  Look, don't tell Logan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': So, you want to see if my food is happy?
:'''Quinn''': Happy, sad, angry, frightened...
:'''Chase''': I'm frightened! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!
:'''Quinn''': Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?
:'''Zoey''': I don't iron my underwear.
:'''Quinn''': Whatever.
:'''Dana''': Yeah, she's a good one!
:'''Zoey''': At least we don't fight all the time!
:'''Dana''': Neither do we. 
:'''Nicole''': Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.
:'''Dana''': ''(puts arm around Nicole)'' Yeah, best friends!
:'''Zoey''': That's good for you. Bye!
:'''Dana''': ''(Zoey leaves)'' Don't ever touch me again!
:'''Nicole''': Slob!
:'''Dana''': Jerk!
:'''Nicole''': UGHH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.
:'''Dustin''': What about you?
:'''Chase''': Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!
:'''Dustin''': What did he say?
:'''Zoey''': No!

== Webcam ==
:'''Quinn''': Logan's such a jerk.
:'''Nicole''': A very cute jerk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Why would I spread rumors about myself?
:'''Nicole''': To trick us!
:'''Zoey''': Nicole! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': Hey, Kazu!
:'''Kazu''': You're late!
:'''Chase''': I'm 10 minutes early!
:'''Kazu''': No back sass!
:'''Chase''': Okay... just put the knife down! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': We'll drive him... to Mexico!
:'''Logan''': Did she say, &quot;Mexico&quot;? 
:'''Michael''': ''Si''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(on cell phone in phony Southern accent)'' Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.
:'''Mr. Callahan''': Um, I didn't order any mustard.
:'''Zoey''': Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.
:'''Mr. Callahan''': Who could eat that much mustard?
:'''Zoey''': That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?
:'''Mr. Callahan''': But I don't even like mustard!
:'''Zoey''': Then, why'd you order so much? 
:'''Mr. Callahan''': I didn't...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Quinn''': ''(scans bear)'' That jerk!
:'''Zoey''': What?
:'''Quinn''': Let's go!
:''(Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)''
:'''Zoey''': Well?
:'''Quinn''': That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!
:'''Nicole''': I knew it! What does that mean?
:'''Zoey''': In English?
:'''Quinn''': There's a webcam in that bear!
:'''Nicole''': I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Did you have anything to do with it?
:'''Chase''': Uh, come in?
:'''Zoey''': Did you put a camera in the bear?
:'''Chase''': Uh, no, I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?
:'''Quinn''': How do you play?
:'''Zoey''': Okay, so you roll the dice...
:'''Quinn''': Yeah...
:'''Dana''': And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...
:'''Nicole''': And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.
:'''Quinn''': Like eat a poisonous bug?
:'''Zoey''': Stressful... not lethal. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': You're working with Logan now?
:'''Chase''': Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.
:'''Logan''': I'm trying to train you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.
:'''Zoey''': Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Logan''': 'Sup ladies!
:'''Zoey''': We were just talking about you.
:'''Logan''': Can't blame you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Hey, sushi's here!
:'''Nicole''': Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!
:'''Chase''': Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.
:'''Zoey''': Kazu?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...
:'''Kazu''': Aha! I knew it!
:'''Chase''': Kazu!
:'''Kazu''': You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!
:'''Chase''': Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.
:'''Kazu''': Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...
:'''Zoey''': Quinn, next card!
:'''Kazu''': Expelled! You will be expelled!
:'''Chase''': Expelled?!
:'''Kazu''': You're going to prison!
:'''Nicole''': No!
:''(Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)''
:'''Zoey''': I'm sorry, I panicked!
:'''Chase''': He's out cold.
:'''Zoey''': Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!
:'''Chase''': No, nobody's getting expelled!
:'''Nicole''': But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!
:'''Chase''': Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!
:'''Zoey''': Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!
:'''Chase''': Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!
:'''Zoey''': And drive him to Mexico!
:'''Nicole''': But what if the Dean finds out?
:'''Zoey''': She has a point.
:'''Chase''': Hey... he didn't see who hit him!
:'''Zoey''': Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!
:'''Chase''': Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!
:'''Zoey''': Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.
:'''Nicole''': I got the duct tape!

== Defending Dustin ==
:'''Chase''': You gotta hide Elvis.
:'''Nicole''': Who's Elvis?
:'''Chase''': Our dog!
:'''Zoey''': Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.
:'''Michael''': But our DA smelled a dog!
:'''Chase''': DA, short for Dorm Adviser.
:'''Zoey''': I know.
:'''Chase''': OK...that's short for okay
:'''Zoey''': Stop it!
:'''Michael''': Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(To Zoey)'' Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?
:'''Zoey''': No, not by a big, dumb bully.
:'''Chase''': Well, then, maybe it's time. ''(he starts giving her noogies)'' Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.
:'''Zoey''': Quit it!
:'''Chase''': Give me your lunch money or I'll.... ''(Zoey bites his arm)'' Oww, did you bite me?
:'''Zoey''': Maybe.
:'''Chase''': Oh, it's on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': You're fast!
:'''Zoey''': Maybe you're just slow.
:'''Chase''': Harsh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Herb''': Close the door and sit down. I am very upset with you, Mr. Finch.
:'''Keith''': You're not the principal.
:'''Herb''': No back sass!
:'''Keith''': Who are you?
:'''Herb''': I happen to be the Dean of Discipline.
:'''Keith''': Dean of--
:'''Herb''': Stop speaking!
:'''Keith''': OK.
:'''Herb''': I understand you've been harassing some of the younger students. Is that correct?
:'''Keith''': Well, I--
:'''Herb''': Don't even think about lying!
:'''Keith''': Yeah, I guess I have.
:'''Herb''': You guess?!
:'''Keith''': Yes!
:'''Herb''': Yes what? Come on, say it, Finch. Tell me!
:'''Keith''': I-I-I pick on people.
:'''Herb''': You mean you used to?
:'''Keith''': Huh?
:'''Herb''': If I ever hear of you bothering any student on the PCA campus, especially younger ones, I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand me?!?!
:'''Keith''': Yes, sir, except for the giraffe part.
:'''Herb''': Get out!
:'''Keith''': Yes sir!&quot;
:'''Zoey''': Herb, you were great!
:'''Chase''': Yeah, I was outside and you had me shaking!
:'''Herb''': Really, I was good!
:'''Zoey''': Are you kidding me?
:'''Chase''': That was the best acting any janitor has ever done!
:'''Herb''': Now if you'll excuse me there is a clogged toilet in the gym calling my name.

== Prank Week ==
:'''Chase''': You know what I'm saying?
:'''Michael''': You don't even know what you're saying!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Chase, thank you so much!
:'''Chase''': It’s ok, but, actually it wasn’t me.
:'''Zoey''': Michael?
:'''Michael''': Not me.
:'''Zoey''': Then who was it?
''(Chase and Michael point to Logan)''
:'''Zoey''': Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?
:'''Logan''': If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dean Rivers''': I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?
:'''Chase''': Technically, sir, you did just ask again.
:'''Dean Rivers''': Chase!
:'''Chase''': Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': ''(crying)'' But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!
:'''Zoey''': I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.
:'''Nicole''': No, they're all dumb and gross.
:'''Zoey''': Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.
:'''Quinn''': Can't talk. Plotting revenge. 
:'''Nicole''': I'm going to miss her freakish ways. ''(cries again)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!
:'''Logan''': Chase picked it out.
:'''Chase''': Why do you tell people? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Logan''': Do girls know anything?
:'''Dana''': I know how to make you cry.
:'''Logan''': What are you gonna do? Kiss me?
:'''Dana''': You wish!
:'''Logan''': Yeah I do! ''(laughs)''

== Jet X ==
:'''Mr. Savage''': Do you know what this is?
:'''Chase''': Some kind of scooter?
:'''Mr. Savage''': ''(Buzzing noise)'' Wrong!
:'''Chase''': Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Where's the off button on this?
:'''Dana''': Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.
:'''Quinn''': True.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(on the phone to Chase)'' Chase, you rock!
:'''Chase''': ''(to Michael)'' I rock!
:'''Michael''': You´re OK.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!
:'''Dana''': What?!
:'''Zoey''': What?!
:'''Nicole''': I didn't know what to say! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.
:'''Chase''': I did.
:'''Zoey''': And?
:'''Chase''': He gave me 50 dollars to shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mr. Bender''': Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?
:'''Chase''': Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair! 
:'''Mr. Bender''': Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Logan''': Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.
:'''Zoey''': You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.
:'''Chase''': It's true. It happened to me once.

== The Play ==
:'''Logan''': Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?
:'''Chase''': Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team, they're not hot.
:'''Michael''': I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude. 
:''(Chase and Logan give him weird looks)'' 
:'''Michael''': I've said too much.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:''(Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)''
:'''Dustin''': Hey, is Zoey here?
:'''Dana''': No.
:'''Dustin''': Well, do you know where she is?
:'''Dana''': Nope.
:'''Dustin''': 'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if--
:''(Dana shuts the door in his face)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Michael''': Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, so?
:'''Michael''': So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.
:'''Chase''': Change it?
:'''Michael''': Write a different ending.
:'''Chase''': I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! ''(runs off)''
:'''Michael''': I have my moments.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Mr. Fletcher''': Kill? Kill?!
:'''Chase''': Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, &quot;Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard.&quot; Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write &quot;Sassafras&quot;. I wrote &quot;Lallafral&quot;!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dustin''': Why're you taking off my shoes?
:'''Quinn''': I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.
:'''Dustin''': Can I please leave?
:'''Quinn''': No... Ready?
:'''Dustin''': No.
''(Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet)''
:'''Dustin''': Ah! That tickles.
''(Quinn stops the proton device)''
:'''Quinn''': Do you feel better?
:'''Dustin''': No!
:'''Quinn''': I'll adjust the proton saturation.
:'''Dustin''': Huh?
''(Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet)''
:'''Dustin''': It's not making me better!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': He really is awesome?
:'''Chase''': ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?
:'''Zoey''': I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.
:'''Nicole''': Ooh. She's starting to like him.
:'''Dana''': Ya think?
:'''Chase''': What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, I mean...
:'''Chase''': You mean what?
:'''Zoey''': I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...
:'''Chase''': Ok I got to go.
:'''Zoey''': Where are you going?
:'''Chase''': To take a bath. What difference does it make?

== Quinn's Date ==
:'''Chase''': I wonder who invented the meatball.
:'''Zoey''': How do you mean invented?
:'''Chase''': Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, &quot;Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(About Mark)'' Go talk to him.
:'''Quinn''': Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.
:'''Zoey''': It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.

:'''Quinn''': Did you know that female spiders usually eat their offspring?
:'''Chase''': Huh?
:'''Quinn''': Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?
:'''Chase''': Holy Dolby Digital!
:'''Quinn''': Want to see my sixth toe?

:'''Chase''': MAKE IT STOP!

:'''Quinn''': Hi, Mark.
:'''Mark''':  Oh, hey, Clint.
:'''Chase''': Quinn.
:'''Quinn''': Did you say, &quot;Clint&quot;?
:'''Chase''': He said, &quot;Quinn.&quot;
:'''Mark''' I said, &quot;Clint.&quot;
:'''Quinn''': Who's Clint?
:'''Chase''': He meant, &quot;Quinn&quot;.
:'''Zoey''': My friend, Quinn, thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?
:'''Mark''': No.
:'''Zoey''': Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.
:'''Mark''': ''(Looks at Quinn)'' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Okay, so, what do I do?
:'''Zoey''': Just pretend Chase is a guy.
:'''Chase''': Uh, thanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Quinn''': What did he say? Please, say he said, &quot;Yes&quot;. I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, &quot;Yes&quot;, tell me he said, &quot;Yes&quot;, please.
:'''Zoey''': Ummm...He said, &quot;YES&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dana''': What's your problem?
:'''Zoey''': Remember when I said &quot;Mark said yes&quot;. He said, &quot;NO&quot;.
:'''Nicole''': NO!!!
:'''Zoey''': YES.
:'''Nicole''': YES.
:'''Nicole''': Yes, wait I'm confused.
:'''Dana''': Did he say &quot;Yes&quot; or &quot;No&quot;?
:'''Zoey''': He said, &quot;No&quot;.
:'''Dana''': No, then why did you tell her he said, &quot;Yes&quot;.
:'''Zoey''': Because I panicked.
:'''Dana''': You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.
:'''Zoey''': I can't... it'll break her heart, her weird little heart. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Courtney''': Mark! You're on a date with HER?
:'''Mark''': No! I'm... on a date with Chase!
:'''Chase''': Um, it's true. We had a picnic.
:'''Zoey''': Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.
:'''Courtney''': Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!
:'''Mark''': Courtney.
:'''Quinn''': Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend!
:'''Mark''': (confused) Who dated you?
:'''Quinn''': You may have movie star good looks, but I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!
:'''Mark''': But...
:'''Quinn''': I said &quot;Good day&quot;!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

== Spring Fling ==
:'''Chase''': No more &quot;Grass&quot;! I can't take it!!
:'''TV''': Coming up next... &quot;Weeds&quot;.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Announcer''': And now back to &quot;Grass: Nature's Carpet!&quot;
:'''Nicole''': Okay, why are we watching this?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dustin''': I hate this experiment!
:'''Quinn''': I heard that!
:'''Dustin''': GOOD!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Nicole''': Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?
:'''Zoey''': Of course, boys love to smash things.
:'''Michael''': It's true!
:'''Chase''': We do enjoy the smashing! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dana''': Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.
:'''Nicole''': What do you think he'll say?
:'''Zoey''': He'll probably start with, &quot;Give me my four-thousand dollars back!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dustin''': Is it true?
:'''Zoey''': What?
:'''Dustin''': That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?
:'''Dana''': Sorry, but Drake's not coming.
:'''Dustin''': How come?
:'''Nicole''': His manager wants 5000 bucks.
:'''Dustin''': So get it.
:'''Dana''': ''(sarcastically)'' Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(to Drake)'' Hey, you're Drake Bell!
:'''Drake''': Yes, I am.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': Hey, it's him!
:'''Michael''': You're you!
:'''Drake''': I'm me.
:'''Manager''': ''(to Drake)'' You are.

== Backpack ==
:'''Michael''': ''(Talking in code)'' Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!
:'''Zoey''': Huh? What rabbit?
:'''Michael''': ''[sighs]'' Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! ''[mumbling to himself]'' And ya try to be cool.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': Massage my shoulders.
:'''Michael''': Are you out of your mind? 
:'''Chase''': Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.
:'''Michael''': Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine)'' Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...''without asking!''
:'''Michael''': ''(gasp)''
:'''Chase''': What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...
:'''Zoey''': What? It doesn't say that!
:'''Chase''': Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!
:'''Michael''': I pick B, down the stairs she goes!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Chase''':''(about new jukebox)'' Yep, that's definitely juketastic! ''(Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)''
:'''Michael''': ''(about new jukebox)'' Man, that's juketastic!

== Disc Golf ==
:'''Coach''': All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.
:'''Chase''': Can I return it?

== School Dance ==
:'''Mr. Bender''': ''[after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring]'' Read the message.
:'''Zoey''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Nicole''': ''[answering a personality quiz]''  &quot;What is your favorite activity?&quot; Meeting cute guys. Next question: &quot;What is your number-one pet peeve?&quot; Not meeting cute guys.

== Little Beach Party ==

:'''Dana''': You got a signal?
:'''Michael''': No, only sand in my butt!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(to Logan)'' Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?
:'''Logan''': Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.
:'''Dustin''': No, Mystic Beach is ''south'' of PCA!
:'''Zoey''': Dustin, are you sure?
:'''Dustin''': Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Dustin''': Will you tell me where babies come from?
:'''Zoey''': Absolutely not.

==External links==

[[Category:Zoey 101 seasons]]
[[Category:American television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>p8vb894r3ouzzu77uzqaqf6ewqjjjgm</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Zoey 101 (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192676</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153272</id>
      <parentid>3106162</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:37:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>67.7.31.110</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Back to P.C.A. */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15484" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Zoey 101 (season 1)|1]] [[Zoey 101 (season 2)|2]] [[Zoey 101 (season 3)|3]] [[Zoey 101 (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Zoey 101|Main]]'''
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Zoey 101]]''. It was aired between September 10, 2005 to April 30, 2006.

== Back to P.C.A. ==
:'''Chase''': Can you at least turn the volume down!
:'''Logan''': Why don't you turn your mouth down! Eh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


:'''Chase''': Michael!
:'''Logan''': What's up?
:'''Michael''': Mah boys!
:'''Logan''': So, how was your summer, man?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, I've missed seeing your freakish face every day!
:'''Michael''': Heh, yeah, and I've missed your big bushy hair...Hey did it get bushier?
:'''Chase''': It's possible.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chase''': Hey, Zoey! You look great!
:'''Zoey''': You too! ''(she stops for a bit and looks at him again)'' ...Did your hair get bushier?
:'''Chase''': I've heard that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Michael is testing Chase on the capitals of US States while Logan's entertainment system booms very loudly around them]''
:'''Michael''': Alabama!
:'''Chase''': Uh... Capital would be Montgomery!
:'''Michael''': What?!
:'''Chase''': MONTGOMERY!!!
:'''Michael''': Right, OK... Tennessee!
:'''Chase''': Uh... Memphis!
:'''Michael''': No, Nashville!
:'''Chase''': What?!
:'''Michael''': NASHVILLE!!!
:'''Chase''': Who's Phil?!
:'''Michael''': OK, I can't take this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Chase and Michael purposely blow the power in their room while Dustin is trying to win a video game]''
:'''Chase''': Good night, Michael.
:'''Michael''': Sleep tight, Chase.
:'''Logan''': You guys are the worst.
:''[After a pause]''
:'''Dustin''': ''[crying]'' Soooooo close.

== Time Capsule ==
:'''Michael''': That's you?! ''(pointing to Mr. Bender as a student in a PCA yearbook from the 80s. In the picture, Mr. Bender has an afro, a mustache, and big glasses)'' Ha ha ha ha ha! ''(Mr. Bender gives him a look)'' You were very handsome. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': I doubt it. This shirt will always be hot.
:'''Logan''': Yeah, it will.
:'''Lola''': Try not to drool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Whoa, Mr. Bender...you used to be a cheerleader?
:'''Michael''': Whoa. ''(all the students look at the book)''
:'''Mr. Bender''': There were no girls here then. ''(they continue laughing)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mr. Bender''': Lola, what'd you bring? ''[Lola act that she is crying]'' Oh my gosh, what's...the matter? What's wrong?
:'''Lola''': You're just gonna have to give me a zero for this project!
:'''Mr. Bender''': Why? You didn't pick an item?
:'''Lola''': No, I did. It was a locket that my grandmother gave me, before she...LEFT US! ''[she cries more]''
:'''Mr. Bender''': Oh my gosh; I'm so sorry!
:'''Lola''': My dad tells me I'm just like her! So, I thought the locket would be a perfect thing to put in the time capsule! But...
:'''Mr. Bender''': But what?
:'''Lola''': I just can't! It's all I have left of her!
:'''Mr. Bender''': It's okay, it's okay...
:'''Lola''': I'm so sorry!
:'''Mr. Bender''': Look...you obviously gave the assignment a lot of thought, and that's the important thing.
:'''Lola''': Really?
:'''Mr. Bender''': Of course, of course. Don't worry, I'm gonna give you full credit for the assignment.
:'''Lola''': Thank you so much! ''[Zoey and Nicole look amazed as Lola walks up to them]'' Acting!

== The Election ==
:'''Nicole''': Can't we eat sushi together in a closet?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Don't you know that girls don't mean half the things they say?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Announcer''': Chase Matthews wants to be your class president. But how well do you really know Chase Matthews? For example, do you know he eats out of garbage cans? Or that he shaves his legs? Or that he picks on little girls? Is this the kind of guy you want for class president? No! On Tuesday, vote Zoey Brooks for class president. She's awesome!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(angrily)'' You're unbelievable!
:'''Logan''': Thank you.

== Bad Girl ==

:'''Chase''': Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': Don't &quot;Zoey&quot; me.

== Haunted House ==
:'''Zoey''': Are you trying to scare them to death?
:'''Logan''': Yeah, pretty much.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(trying to scare Zoey and Nicole)'' Blah!
:'''Zoey''': Oh, hi, Chase!
:'''Nicole''': Hi, Chase!
:'''Chase''': What, you weren't scared?
:'''Zoey''': Why would we be scared of a magician?
:'''Chase''': A magician? No, no. I'm a vampire! 
:''(Logan comes)''
:'''Logan''': Hey, Mr. Magic!
:'''Chase''': I am a vampire! You guys wanna see my receipt for the costume?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(pulling the door)'' It's locked!
:'''Chase''': What d'ya mean it's locked?
:'''Zoey''': What d'ya mean what do I mean? When I say it's locked, it's locked. How many definitions of locked are there?

== Broadcast Views ==
:'''Logan''': ''(on television)'' Hello, my name is Logan Reese.
:'''Zoey''': I'm Zoey Brooks.
:'''Logan''': Today we're gonna talk about some interesting topics. First: Girls in sports. Now, I think it's fine if girls wanna have their own little sports teams, but they should not be allowed to play in the guys teams! Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, you're right...
:'''Logan''': Huh?
:'''Zoey''': I said, &quot;You're right&quot;!
:'''Logan''': Okay... Let's move on to our next topic then... Oh, yeah. Ordering at restaurants. I say girls take way too much time to order food. ''(with a girly voice)'' &quot;Uh, I'm a girl. I'll have a chopped salad, but I want the lettuce on the side!&quot; Guys are just like &quot;Give me a cheeseburger!&quot; End of story! Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': I agree...
:'''Logan''': Okay... For our next topic, let's talk about... Eating kittens! I feel people should eat more kittens! Eating little kitty cats for breakfast! Do you agree with that Zoey, hmm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(in the Chase and Michael show)'' Would a woman make a better President of the United States than a man?
:'''Logan''': Absolutely not!
:'''Zoey''': You're an idiot!
:'''Logan''': A woman can not be President of the United States!
:'''Zoey''': Name one reason!
:'''Logan''': Because girls are too emotional! Everytime she gets a pimple, she'll cry and start a war with Switzerland!

== Girls Will Be Boys ==
:'''Zoey''': Maybe we ought to prove to Chase and Logan that guys can be just guys even when girls are around.
:'''Lola''': How are we gonna do that?
:'''Zoey''': By being around them when they don't know we are around.
:'''Nicole''': But if we are around them trying to prove it, we'll be around them, and we're girls, so they'll be around girls when we're trying to-
:'''Lola''': Maybe you should let Zoey talk.
:'''Zoey''': I'm saying what if one of us pretends to be a guy?
:'''Nicole''': Ok, 4 problems with that: hair, face, boobs.
:'''Lola''': That's 3 problems.
:'''Nicole''': 2 boobs.
:'''Zoey''': We can get around those problems.
:'''Lola''': It would be the ultmate acting role.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Hey, can you turn up the music?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, sure... Hey, cool boombox!
:'''Lola''': Thanks, I just got it.
:'''Chase''': ''(after that, he accidentally pushed down the boombox from the roof into the ground)'' Was it expensive?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': OK. Make me a dude.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicole''': You really think you can convince Chase and Logan that you’re a guy?
:'''Lola''': Easy. Chase is gullible, and Logan’s a moron.

== Robot Wars ==
:'''Chase''': All right! Let's go kick some bot!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''': ''(in a computerized voice)'' I am the Dolby Digi-Quinn. I must go get a sprocket from my home planet, Dorkon! I am the Dolby Digi-Quinn from Dorkon!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Quinn''': I really would like to help, but I just don't believe in using my gift of science for violence.
:'''Zoey''': That was really mean, Logan.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Thanks for sticking up for me, Zoey.
:'''Logan''': I'm sorry, I did not mean— Can you forgive me and will I see you tonight, Zoey?
:''[Zoey throws a pillow at him and smiles]''

== Lola Likes Chase ==

:'''Lola''': Ok, who is she?
:'''Chase''': Who is who?
:'''Lola''': The girl you like.
:'''Chase''': What makes you think I like someone?
:'''Lola''': 'Cause I'm smart. So, who is she? Does she go to PCA?
:'''Chase''': Uh... no. She's... from my hometown. Back home... in my town.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': ''[as she is about to leave]'' ...So, which would you rather do?
:'''Chase''': Huh?
:'''Lola''': Be locked in a cage with a wild tiger, or lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot?
:'''Chase''': Oh, easy. Peanut butter off a hobo's foot.
:'''Lola''': Why?
:'''Chase''': Because, I'm scared of tigers, and I love peanut butter. ''[Lola giggles]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': When I'm acting, I'm playing a role.
:'''Chase''': So, just treat biology like an acting role! You know, play the part of a girl who's really good at biology!
:'''Lola''': That's pretty smart.
:'''Chase''': Well, I'm your tutor. I'm not supposed to say stupid stuff! ''[Lola laughs]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': See, I told you you could do it. ''[Lola smiles, and laughs. He picks up a flower and gives it to her]'' For you.
:'''Lola''': Why are you giving me a flower?
:'''Chase''': So you can take it back to your dorm and study it.
:'''Lola''': ''[gives it back to him]'' Yeah, I don't think I want to.
:'''Chase''': Why not?
:'''Lola''': There's a spider on it.
:'''Chase''': Eah! ''[he drops it, and starts beating it with his tennis racket. Lola laughs, then he kicks it and she laughs some more]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(Chase walks into the room, where Michael is listening to music on his Gio)''
:'''Chase''': Michael. Michael! MICHAEL! ''(he takes the earbuds out of the Gio)''
:'''Michael''': You interrupted tune time!
:'''Chase''': Lola asked me out!
:'''Michael''': Well, my goodness.
:'''Chase''': Yeah.
:'''Michael''': You were RIGHT to interrupt tune time.
:'''Chase''': Dude, this is serious!
:'''Michael''': I'm ''being'' serious! Lola's hot!
:'''Chase''': So, you think I should go out with her.
:'''Michael''': Sounds like a good idea to me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Zoey! Would you rather...be stuck in an elevator for three days, or...make out with a monkey?
:'''Zoey''': Stuck in an elevator. I ain't kissing a monkey!
:'''Chase''': Baby.
:'''Zoey''': Let's see ''you'' kiss a monkey!
:'''Chase''': Bring me a monkey.
:'''Zoey''': Maybe I will!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Okay. Photosynthesis is the process by which plants use energy from sunlight to produce sugar. Which converts into-
:'''Lola''': You wanna go out with me?
:'''Chase''': Huh. Wow, that question had almost nothing to do with photosynthesis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''': Okay, tell you what. We'll take you to see Restless in Love, but you girls are paying.
:'''Tracy''': Actually, you know what I'd rather see?
:'''Logan''': What?
:'''Tracy''': The jerk in the fountain.
:'''Logan''': Jerk in the fountain? What are you- ''[she pushes him into the fountain]'' OK, that was ridiculous!

== Spring Break-Up: TV Movie ==

:'''Michael''': Dude, everyone on planet Earth knows you love Zoey. The people on Neptune know it. Yeah, they're up there right now on Neptune saying: ''[in alien voice]'' Hey, did you know Chase loves Zoey? Why, yes I do, the whole galaxy knows; Nahahahaha.
:'''Chase''': You talk SO much.
:'''Michael''': The only person who doesn't know you love Zoey is Zoey. Why don't you just tell her already?
:'''Chase''': Because I don't want Zoey to know I love... ''[Logan shows up]'' brusselsprouts! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chase''': I told you, I'm not going to tell you what happened last night. I sent you a text.
:'''Michael''': No, you didn't.
:'''Chase''': Yeah, I did. See? ''[hands Michael TechMate]''
:'''Michael''': ''(nervously)'' Uh, you didn't send it to me.
:'''Chase''': I didn't?
:'''Michael''': No.
:'''Chase''': Then, you'd I send it to?
:'''Michael''': Z-Zoey.
:'''Chase''': ''(nervously)'' Z-Zoey?
:'''Michael''': ''[nods slowly]''
:'''Chase''': ''[grabs TechMate]'' ''Zoey?!'' Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Michael. Oh my God!

== People Auction ==
:'''Coach Keller''': ''(running out of the sushi bar with a fire extinguisher in one hand and a clipboard in the other)'' Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Kazu, your grill is on fire!
:'''Kazu''': Fire?! ''(He runs up the stairs. The others try to follow him until he stops them)'' No, stay back! Pull the fire alarm!
:'''Michael''': Where's the fire alarm?
:'''All (except Kazu and Coach Keller)''': Over there! ''(Zoey, Nicole, Lola, Chase, Logan, and Michael run to the fire alarm. Kazu runs up the stairs to Coach Keller)''
:'''Lola''': Fire!
:'''Logan''': Oh, my goodness! ''(Zoey pulls a fire alarm. In the sushi bar, the fire is spreading. Morning comes, and the firefighters have put out the fire and are carrying everything out. Chase and Nicole come up to Dean Rivers and a depressed Kazu)''
:'''Chase''': Morning, Kazu.
:'''Nicole''': How bad was the fire?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Look, we all feel bad enough about the fire!
:'''Coach Keller''': Feeling bad doesn't fill my gut with raw fish, now does it, cupcake?! I am TICKED OFF!
:'''Chase''': Have you ever thought about an anger management class?
:'''Coach Keller''': That's it, Matthews. You just got yourself a slice of revenge pie!
:'''Michael''': Don't you think you're being a little hard on the boy?
:'''Coach Keller''': You too, Starky! Revenge pie!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': You're going back to Japan?
:'''Kazu''': Alabama. I'm from Birmingham.
:'''Lola''': Oh.

== Quinn's Alpaca==
:'''Logan''': Did Quinn just walk past here with an alpaca?
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, she sure did.
:'''Logan''': Weird.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Secretary''': Dean Rivers, your wife is here to see you.
:'''Dean Rivers''': My wife? Uh, tell her I'm not here!
:'''Secretary''': Mrs. Rivers, he's not in there.
:'''Mrs. Rivers''': Don't give me that! Carl! ''[she enters Dean's room with a bill]'' Carl, what kind of grown man spends $2000 on video games?! Carl?!? CARL!?!
:'''Dean Rivers''': ''[takes the voice command machine from under his desk]'' Dogs!
:''[a siren goes off, and dog barking noises are made. Mrs. Rivers panics, and runs out screaming]''
:'''Dean Rivers''': Thank you, Quinn.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Teacher''': Chase, Michael, Logan, you've been whispering to yourselves the whole class!
:'''Chase''': I apologize.
:'''Logan''': A-ha!
:'''Chase''': &quot;Z&quot;.
:'''Logan''': Oh.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Chase and Michael are eating with Nicole and Lola]''
:'''Chase''': Quinn actually...tried to leave PCA?
:'''Michael''': To go...be with her....alpaca.
:'''Lola''': Okay, how long is this gonna go on?
:'''Nicole''': Yeah, will one of you use a word with &quot;s&quot; in it already so we can have a normal conversation?
:'''Chase''': No. I am ''determined'' to go longer than Michael and Logan without uttering that letter.
:'''Lola''': Could this be more annoying?
:'''Nicole''': No.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lola''': I'm gonna trick Logan into losing so we don't have to listen to these guys talk like idiots anymore.
:'''Michael''': Hey! Lola called we the plural of idiot.
:'''Chase''': I...am offended.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nicole''': Okay, did Michael just run by here wearing a bikini top?
:'''Lola''': And a hula skirt?
:'''Chase''': Uh-huh.
:'''Logan''': He did.
:'''Zoey''': Weirder.

==External links==
[[Category:Zoey 101 seasons]]
[[Category:American television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>7w4w1eknqc6u0xqv5nxm8q1bh207oof</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153296</id>
      <parentid>3153272</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:51:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>67.7.31.110</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Robot Wars */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15467" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Zoey 101 (season 1)|1]] [[Zoey 101 (season 2)|2]] [[Zoey 101 (season 3)|3]] [[Zoey 101 (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Zoey 101|Main]]'''
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Zoey 101]]''. It was aired between September 10, 2005 to April 30, 2006.

== Back to P.C.A. ==
:'''Chase''': Can you at least turn the volume down!
:'''Logan''': Why don't you turn your mouth down! Eh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


:'''Chase''': Michael!
:'''Logan''': What's up?
:'''Michael''': Mah boys!
:'''Logan''': So, how was your summer, man?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, I've missed seeing your freakish face every day!
:'''Michael''': Heh, yeah, and I've missed your big bushy hair...Hey did it get bushier?
:'''Chase''': It's possible.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chase''': Hey, Zoey! You look great!
:'''Zoey''': You too! ''(she stops for a bit and looks at him again)'' ...Did your hair get bushier?
:'''Chase''': I've heard that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Michael is testing Chase on the capitals of US States while Logan's entertainment system booms very loudly around them]''
:'''Michael''': Alabama!
:'''Chase''': Uh... Capital would be Montgomery!
:'''Michael''': What?!
:'''Chase''': MONTGOMERY!!!
:'''Michael''': Right, OK... Tennessee!
:'''Chase''': Uh... Memphis!
:'''Michael''': No, Nashville!
:'''Chase''': What?!
:'''Michael''': NASHVILLE!!!
:'''Chase''': Who's Phil?!
:'''Michael''': OK, I can't take this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Chase and Michael purposely blow the power in their room while Dustin is trying to win a video game]''
:'''Chase''': Good night, Michael.
:'''Michael''': Sleep tight, Chase.
:'''Logan''': You guys are the worst.
:''[After a pause]''
:'''Dustin''': ''[crying]'' Soooooo close.

== Time Capsule ==
:'''Michael''': That's you?! ''(pointing to Mr. Bender as a student in a PCA yearbook from the 80s. In the picture, Mr. Bender has an afro, a mustache, and big glasses)'' Ha ha ha ha ha! ''(Mr. Bender gives him a look)'' You were very handsome. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': I doubt it. This shirt will always be hot.
:'''Logan''': Yeah, it will.
:'''Lola''': Try not to drool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Whoa, Mr. Bender...you used to be a cheerleader?
:'''Michael''': Whoa. ''(all the students look at the book)''
:'''Mr. Bender''': There were no girls here then. ''(they continue laughing)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mr. Bender''': Lola, what'd you bring? ''[Lola act that she is crying]'' Oh my gosh, what's...the matter? What's wrong?
:'''Lola''': You're just gonna have to give me a zero for this project!
:'''Mr. Bender''': Why? You didn't pick an item?
:'''Lola''': No, I did. It was a locket that my grandmother gave me, before she...LEFT US! ''[she cries more]''
:'''Mr. Bender''': Oh my gosh; I'm so sorry!
:'''Lola''': My dad tells me I'm just like her! So, I thought the locket would be a perfect thing to put in the time capsule! But...
:'''Mr. Bender''': But what?
:'''Lola''': I just can't! It's all I have left of her!
:'''Mr. Bender''': It's okay, it's okay...
:'''Lola''': I'm so sorry!
:'''Mr. Bender''': Look...you obviously gave the assignment a lot of thought, and that's the important thing.
:'''Lola''': Really?
:'''Mr. Bender''': Of course, of course. Don't worry, I'm gonna give you full credit for the assignment.
:'''Lola''': Thank you so much! ''[Zoey and Nicole look amazed as Lola walks up to them]'' Acting!

== The Election ==
:'''Nicole''': Can't we eat sushi together in a closet?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Don't you know that girls don't mean half the things they say?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Announcer''': Chase Matthews wants to be your class president. But how well do you really know Chase Matthews? For example, do you know he eats out of garbage cans? Or that he shaves his legs? Or that he picks on little girls? Is this the kind of guy you want for class president? No! On Tuesday, vote Zoey Brooks for class president. She's awesome!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(angrily)'' You're unbelievable!
:'''Logan''': Thank you.

== Bad Girl ==

:'''Chase''': Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': Don't &quot;Zoey&quot; me.

== Haunted House ==
:'''Zoey''': Are you trying to scare them to death?
:'''Logan''': Yeah, pretty much.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(trying to scare Zoey and Nicole)'' Blah!
:'''Zoey''': Oh, hi, Chase!
:'''Nicole''': Hi, Chase!
:'''Chase''': What, you weren't scared?
:'''Zoey''': Why would we be scared of a magician?
:'''Chase''': A magician? No, no. I'm a vampire! 
:''(Logan comes)''
:'''Logan''': Hey, Mr. Magic!
:'''Chase''': I am a vampire! You guys wanna see my receipt for the costume?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': ''(pulling the door)'' It's locked!
:'''Chase''': What d'ya mean it's locked?
:'''Zoey''': What d'ya mean what do I mean? When I say it's locked, it's locked. How many definitions of locked are there?

== Broadcast Views ==
:'''Logan''': ''(on television)'' Hello, my name is Logan Reese.
:'''Zoey''': I'm Zoey Brooks.
:'''Logan''': Today we're gonna talk about some interesting topics. First: Girls in sports. Now, I think it's fine if girls wanna have their own little sports teams, but they should not be allowed to play in the guys teams! Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, you're right...
:'''Logan''': Huh?
:'''Zoey''': I said, &quot;You're right&quot;!
:'''Logan''': Okay... Let's move on to our next topic then... Oh, yeah. Ordering at restaurants. I say girls take way too much time to order food. ''(with a girly voice)'' &quot;Uh, I'm a girl. I'll have a chopped salad, but I want the lettuce on the side!&quot; Guys are just like &quot;Give me a cheeseburger!&quot; End of story! Zoey?
:'''Zoey''': I agree...
:'''Logan''': Okay... For our next topic, let's talk about... Eating kittens! I feel people should eat more kittens! Eating little kitty cats for breakfast! Do you agree with that Zoey, hmm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chase''': ''(in the Chase and Michael show)'' Would a woman make a better President of the United States than a man?
:'''Logan''': Absolutely not!
:'''Zoey''': You're an idiot!
:'''Logan''': A woman can not be President of the United States!
:'''Zoey''': Name one reason!
:'''Logan''': Because girls are too emotional! Everytime she gets a pimple, she'll cry and start a war with Switzerland!

== Girls Will Be Boys ==
:'''Zoey''': Maybe we ought to prove to Chase and Logan that guys can be just guys even when girls are around.
:'''Lola''': How are we gonna do that?
:'''Zoey''': By being around them when they don't know we are around.
:'''Nicole''': But if we are around them trying to prove it, we'll be around them, and we're girls, so they'll be around girls when we're trying to-
:'''Lola''': Maybe you should let Zoey talk.
:'''Zoey''': I'm saying what if one of us pretends to be a guy?
:'''Nicole''': Ok, 4 problems with that: hair, face, boobs.
:'''Lola''': That's 3 problems.
:'''Nicole''': 2 boobs.
:'''Zoey''': We can get around those problems.
:'''Lola''': It would be the ultmate acting role.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Hey, can you turn up the music?
:'''Chase''': Yeah, sure... Hey, cool boombox!
:'''Lola''': Thanks, I just got it.
:'''Chase''': ''(after that, he accidentally pushed down the boombox from the roof into the ground)'' Was it expensive?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': OK. Make me a dude.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nicole''': You really think you can convince Chase and Logan that you’re a guy?
:'''Lola''': Easy. Chase is gullible, and Logan’s a moron.

== Robot Wars ==
:'''Chase''': All right! Let's go kick some bot!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''': ''(in a computerized voice)'' I am Quinn from Dorkon. I must go get a sprocket from my home planet, Dorkon! I am Quinn from Dorkon!:'''
Zoey''': That was really mean, Logan.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Quinn''': I really would like to help, but I just don't believe in using my gift of science for violence.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Thanks for sticking up for me, Zoey.
:'''Logan''': I'm sorry, I did not mean— Can you forgive me and will I see you tonight, Zoey?
:''[Zoey throws a pillow at him and smiles]''

== Lola Likes Chase ==

:'''Lola''': Ok, who is she?
:'''Chase''': Who is who?
:'''Lola''': The girl you like.
:'''Chase''': What makes you think I like someone?
:'''Lola''': 'Cause I'm smart. So, who is she? Does she go to PCA?
:'''Chase''': Uh... no. She's... from my hometown. Back home... in my town.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': ''[as she is about to leave]'' ...So, which would you rather do?
:'''Chase''': Huh?
:'''Lola''': Be locked in a cage with a wild tiger, or lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot?
:'''Chase''': Oh, easy. Peanut butter off a hobo's foot.
:'''Lola''': Why?
:'''Chase''': Because, I'm scared of tigers, and I love peanut butter. ''[Lola giggles]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': When I'm acting, I'm playing a role.
:'''Chase''': So, just treat biology like an acting role! You know, play the part of a girl who's really good at biology!
:'''Lola''': That's pretty smart.
:'''Chase''': Well, I'm your tutor. I'm not supposed to say stupid stuff! ''[Lola laughs]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': See, I told you you could do it. ''[Lola smiles, and laughs. He picks up a flower and gives it to her]'' For you.
:'''Lola''': Why are you giving me a flower?
:'''Chase''': So you can take it back to your dorm and study it.
:'''Lola''': ''[gives it back to him]'' Yeah, I don't think I want to.
:'''Chase''': Why not?
:'''Lola''': There's a spider on it.
:'''Chase''': Eah! ''[he drops it, and starts beating it with his tennis racket. Lola laughs, then he kicks it and she laughs some more]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(Chase walks into the room, where Michael is listening to music on his Gio)''
:'''Chase''': Michael. Michael! MICHAEL! ''(he takes the earbuds out of the Gio)''
:'''Michael''': You interrupted tune time!
:'''Chase''': Lola asked me out!
:'''Michael''': Well, my goodness.
:'''Chase''': Yeah.
:'''Michael''': You were RIGHT to interrupt tune time.
:'''Chase''': Dude, this is serious!
:'''Michael''': I'm ''being'' serious! Lola's hot!
:'''Chase''': So, you think I should go out with her.
:'''Michael''': Sounds like a good idea to me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Zoey! Would you rather...be stuck in an elevator for three days, or...make out with a monkey?
:'''Zoey''': Stuck in an elevator. I ain't kissing a monkey!
:'''Chase''': Baby.
:'''Zoey''': Let's see ''you'' kiss a monkey!
:'''Chase''': Bring me a monkey.
:'''Zoey''': Maybe I will!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Chase''': Okay. Photosynthesis is the process by which plants use energy from sunlight to produce sugar. Which converts into-
:'''Lola''': You wanna go out with me?
:'''Chase''': Huh. Wow, that question had almost nothing to do with photosynthesis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''': Okay, tell you what. We'll take you to see Restless in Love, but you girls are paying.
:'''Tracy''': Actually, you know what I'd rather see?
:'''Logan''': What?
:'''Tracy''': The jerk in the fountain.
:'''Logan''': Jerk in the fountain? What are you- ''[she pushes him into the fountain]'' OK, that was ridiculous!

== Spring Break-Up: TV Movie ==

:'''Michael''': Dude, everyone on planet Earth knows you love Zoey. The people on Neptune know it. Yeah, they're up there right now on Neptune saying: ''[in alien voice]'' Hey, did you know Chase loves Zoey? Why, yes I do, the whole galaxy knows; Nahahahaha.
:'''Chase''': You talk SO much.
:'''Michael''': The only person who doesn't know you love Zoey is Zoey. Why don't you just tell her already?
:'''Chase''': Because I don't want Zoey to know I love... ''[Logan shows up]'' brusselsprouts! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chase''': I told you, I'm not going to tell you what happened last night. I sent you a text.
:'''Michael''': No, you didn't.
:'''Chase''': Yeah, I did. See? ''[hands Michael TechMate]''
:'''Michael''': ''(nervously)'' Uh, you didn't send it to me.
:'''Chase''': I didn't?
:'''Michael''': No.
:'''Chase''': Then, you'd I send it to?
:'''Michael''': Z-Zoey.
:'''Chase''': ''(nervously)'' Z-Zoey?
:'''Michael''': ''[nods slowly]''
:'''Chase''': ''[grabs TechMate]'' ''Zoey?!'' Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Michael. Oh my God!

== People Auction ==
:'''Coach Keller''': ''(running out of the sushi bar with a fire extinguisher in one hand and a clipboard in the other)'' Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Kazu, your grill is on fire!
:'''Kazu''': Fire?! ''(He runs up the stairs. The others try to follow him until he stops them)'' No, stay back! Pull the fire alarm!
:'''Michael''': Where's the fire alarm?
:'''All (except Kazu and Coach Keller)''': Over there! ''(Zoey, Nicole, Lola, Chase, Logan, and Michael run to the fire alarm. Kazu runs up the stairs to Coach Keller)''
:'''Lola''': Fire!
:'''Logan''': Oh, my goodness! ''(Zoey pulls a fire alarm. In the sushi bar, the fire is spreading. Morning comes, and the firefighters have put out the fire and are carrying everything out. Chase and Nicole come up to Dean Rivers and a depressed Kazu)''
:'''Chase''': Morning, Kazu.
:'''Nicole''': How bad was the fire?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Look, we all feel bad enough about the fire!
:'''Coach Keller''': Feeling bad doesn't fill my gut with raw fish, now does it, cupcake?! I am TICKED OFF!
:'''Chase''': Have you ever thought about an anger management class?
:'''Coach Keller''': That's it, Matthews. You just got yourself a slice of revenge pie!
:'''Michael''': Don't you think you're being a little hard on the boy?
:'''Coach Keller''': You too, Starky! Revenge pie!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': You're going back to Japan?
:'''Kazu''': Alabama. I'm from Birmingham.
:'''Lola''': Oh.

== Quinn's Alpaca==
:'''Logan''': Did Quinn just walk past here with an alpaca?
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, she sure did.
:'''Logan''': Weird.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Secretary''': Dean Rivers, your wife is here to see you.
:'''Dean Rivers''': My wife? Uh, tell her I'm not here!
:'''Secretary''': Mrs. Rivers, he's not in there.
:'''Mrs. Rivers''': Don't give me that! Carl! ''[she enters Dean's room with a bill]'' Carl, what kind of grown man spends $2000 on video games?! Carl?!? CARL!?!
:'''Dean Rivers''': ''[takes the voice command machine from under his desk]'' Dogs!
:''[a siren goes off, and dog barking noises are made. Mrs. Rivers panics, and runs out screaming]''
:'''Dean Rivers''': Thank you, Quinn.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Teacher''': Chase, Michael, Logan, you've been whispering to yourselves the whole class!
:'''Chase''': I apologize.
:'''Logan''': A-ha!
:'''Chase''': &quot;Z&quot;.
:'''Logan''': Oh.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Chase and Michael are eating with Nicole and Lola]''
:'''Chase''': Quinn actually...tried to leave PCA?
:'''Michael''': To go...be with her....alpaca.
:'''Lola''': Okay, how long is this gonna go on?
:'''Nicole''': Yeah, will one of you use a word with &quot;s&quot; in it already so we can have a normal conversation?
:'''Chase''': No. I am ''determined'' to go longer than Michael and Logan without uttering that letter.
:'''Lola''': Could this be more annoying?
:'''Nicole''': No.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lola''': I'm gonna trick Logan into losing so we don't have to listen to these guys talk like idiots anymore.
:'''Michael''': Hey! Lola called we the plural of idiot.
:'''Chase''': I...am offended.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nicole''': Okay, did Michael just run by here wearing a bikini top?
:'''Lola''': And a hula skirt?
:'''Chase''': Uh-huh.
:'''Logan''': He did.
:'''Zoey''': Weirder.

==External links==
[[Category:Zoey 101 seasons]]
[[Category:American television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>81tvlgxpmaf1olgfvmowvxvu9z7u5hx</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192962</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153250</id>
      <parentid>3139949</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:50:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Revenge of the Swarm */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="60936" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.

==Episodes 21-32)==
===The Transmogrification Of Eunice===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You guys act like a couple of ten-year olds!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ten year olds can't drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''over the communicator'') Neither can you, grandma!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wanna make this interesting? Last one to the campsite has to do the cooking.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're on, I want pancakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sensing Eunice'') I don't sense any injuries.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, she looks pretty healthy to me too. (''Gwen elbows him'') Ow! What? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': I'm fun even if I don't have memory?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It'll come back. Don't force it. Anyway you're more fun than Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm right here, dude. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': You're not very good at flirting.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How would you know? You have total memory loss.
:'''Eunice''': True, but I wasn't born yesterday. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. I won't happen again.
:'''Eunice''': I said it was awful. I didn't say stop.  	

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie broke up with me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. She said you might as well be broken up.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Same difference.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Two to one majority. Don't wait up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') You're treating her like a fifth wheel. Wasn't that long ago I was the one trying to fit with you and your cousin. So be nice. (''Gwen stares at him'') What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sometimes you make sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is going to be fu-u-un!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A minute ago you were trying to get out of camping and now it's gonna be fun? Are you working some sort of angle?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen, I know it's important to you that we all spend some &quot;quality time together,&quot; I want what you want.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If you're working some sort of angle, so help me, I'm gonna hurt you.
:(''Kevin sniggers'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': [''about a rabbit''] Want to pet him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Does it bite?
:'''Eunice''': No. I'm pretty sure that bear you were going to fight for me does though.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's different.
:'''Eunice''': If you want to be scared of the bunny, I won't judge. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where's Eunice?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man, you cannot keep a girlfriend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come here often?
:'''Eunice''': You've all been so nice to me. And now I've brought you into this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What is &quot;this&quot;? What does Sunder want from you?
:'''Eunice''': I honestly don't know. I've been trying to remember but I can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe something from your ship?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Could be. When we found you, I'm pretty sure you weren't carrying anything.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sternly'') Kevin.
 	
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sunder.
:'''Sunder''': Tennyson. If I'd known it was you, there wouldn't have been a warning shot.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess that's where you made your first mistake. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You want to know who you are? I can tell you. I can even take you home.
:'''Eunice''': You can?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': EUNICE! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
:'''Sunder''': Don't you want to know who you are - or rather - what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You really thought you could beat me?
:'''Ultimate Cannonbolt''': Well, yes.
:'''Sunder''': Last mistake you'll ever make.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He'll make plenty more mistakes! ...That didn't come out right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': Never did get even with you for sending me to the Null Void.
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': &quot;Get even&quot;? You cut my hand off!
:'''Sunder''': Stop whining. You got it back! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Azmuth sees Ultimate Cannonbolt, Gwen, Kevin and Eunice struggling with Sunder in mud]''
:'''Azmuth''': Wallowing in the mud. Why am I not surprised?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You can't store a human being!
:'''Azmuth''': She's not human. She's a construct. No more alive than any of you transformations. She's not real.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you to say that?! My transformations are real and she's ''way'' more human than you are!
:'''Azmuth''': The Unitrix is dangerous. I cannot let her roam around unsupervised. I'm sorry, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[threatened with anger]'' I'll fight you, Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': ''[smiles]'' I believe you would.

===Eye of the Beholder===
:'''Humungousaur''': You said we should see each other. Sounds simple to me.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I said &quot;Considering how little time you have for me, we might as well be broken up.&quot;
:'''Humungousaur''': That is not my fault! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Humungousaur has just agilely jumped on the back of a Forever Knights robot]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I know, I'm nimble for a big guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I told you it was the Forever Knights.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't see how these things fit into the whole King Arthur theme.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe they're supposed to be horses?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Anyway, I thought they broke up last year.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't think so.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll ask them about it, after we kick their cans!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Smooth move Romeo. You sure showed her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Showed her what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You don't know either, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Voice-over, while the aftermath of his battle with the Forever Knights is shown]'' So I let her go, I guess I shouldn't have. But I still have Forever Knights to thrash! And after that, there's always the press... But, you know, they're &quot;ditchable&quot;,...kind of. You don't have to do their interviews, but they still thrash you on their stupid cable-shows. I guess there's no way to escape the things that really matter. Like Julie... ''[Voice-over ends, Ben is seen lying down on a bed]'' She says that I don't spend enough time with her, that I take her for granted. ''[angry]'' But I can't just drop everything whenever I want! I have responsibilities! I'm a famous superhero! ''[Camera zooms out to reveal Jimmy sitting next to Ben, eating peanuts]''
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I see. Peanuts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it. We're glad to help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Besides we are all up to here with Ben. I mean if he says &quot;I saved the whole entire universe&quot; one more time, I'm gonna go psycho!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Again?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's just an expression.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And yet I still feel the need to check.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Look, I told you I thought this place was just an old ruin.
:'''Strabismus''': This is our most revered place!
:'''Baz-El''': Yes, well you don't take very good care of it, do you? From the looks of it, I assumed you were all extinct.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Strabismus''': Blasphemer! Don't you realize that by destroying the altar, you've awakened the sentinels?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I who'd the what now? [''the sentinels start moving''] Aw man! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is ridiculous. (''stumbles on the terrain'') Whoa! I flew halfway across the galaxy just so Julie can tell me to buzz off again? I don't deserve this. I'm a world famous hero!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're a world famous jerk!! Woah! (''absorbs the ground and creates cleats for his shoes'') That's better. And if you weren't such a jerk, maybe she wouldn't have dumped you in the first place!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, and now ''you're'' the expert on feelings?
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, I'm an expert on jerks!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know I don't have to take that from--Yah! (''slips, Kevin smiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Alien''': Stop, you imbecile!
:'''Brainstorm''': &quot;Imbecile&quot;? I dare say I have greater intellectual capacity in my left claw than you have in your entire species!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Is he going to-
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Shhhhh! I need to concentrate. My magic doesn't work well on technology. (''hears Kevin chewing'') What are you doing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Eating.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I heard.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's a fleen cake, want some?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Julie's fighting''] Need any help? [''Julie keeps fighting''] Okay then... so you... keep doing... you know that... And I'll go... help Baz-El.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it, we're glad to help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Ero... when I can... I collect a few... souvenirs for profit. I call it my retirement plan. So shoot me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I might've been kidding. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': [''after Baz-El belches''] What is your problem?
:'''Baz-El''': I... have a very delicate stomach which does not respond well to stress or impending doom. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': (''mocking Julie'') Oh, he's a cannon! Now, he's a battle cruiser! Good boy, Ship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'll it be Ship? Go with Baz-El so he can make a few bucks selling you or stay with Julie, who really cares about...
:'''Ship''': JULIE! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I know I'm a jerk sometimes-
:'''Gwen &amp; Kevin''': &quot;Sometimes&quot;?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angry]'' I got this! '' But... you're the only person in my life, ''[Looks at Gwen and Kevin]'' besides ''them'', who isn't impressed by all that other stuff. You know the real me, faults and all and that's okay with you. Kinda..
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': &quot;Kinda.&quot; You promise you'll do better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''with a nervous smile'') I promise I'll try.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''smiling'') Then I'll try too.

===Vicktor: The Spoils===
:'''King Xarion''': Did you truly think that anything occurs within these walls without my knowledge? Show it to me!
:'''Prince Gyla''': It is magnificent father. And once we resurrect Dr. Viktor, no power on earth can stand against our might!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyla''': All of our enemies will bow down before me - before you.
:'''King Xarion''': You will be king someday, my son. But before that day comes - you have much to learn.
:'''Prince Gyla''': You speak like a diplomat. If it wasn't for your weakness, mother would still be alive!
:'''King Xarion''': How dare you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo! I was going for Jetray but whatever. (''Blows the missiles up but keeps falling'') Oh no! (''Goes Ultimate'')
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (''Blows up the rest of the missiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you need a teleporter for?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Lets see. Breaking into bad guy's headquarters, escaping from bad guy's traps, uhh... saving money on spaceship fuel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': okay, point taken. But Gwen can teleport us with her &quot;magic&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It makes her tired.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It does not!
:'''Kevin Levin''': And cranky... (''smiles'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You make me cranky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A small but strategically important monarchy. They're in the middle of a civil war.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No problem. Ben can take care of that over the weekend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I learned my lesson the last time. This time we've got a more focused mission.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your son's the guy trying to take over? I thought it was the rebels.
:'''King Xarion''': The list of those who would have this throne is long, but the prince is the only one I fear.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me, that kid needs a serious time out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just once, I'd like to sneak in and out of a place without getting into a fight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod...
:'''Big Chill''': Oh give it a rest, will ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Doctor Viktor.
:'''Big Chill''': Or what's left of him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I wonder what did this to him. (''Gwen and Big Chill stare at Kevin'') When I dumped him in the Null Void he was still alive. Seriously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyula''': (''about Dr. Viktor'') He's an empty shell, existing only to do my bidding. (''activates remote'') Destroy them!
:'''Big Chill''': How'd I know he was gonna say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''after freeing the King''] Wait you can't leave us here.
:'''King Xarion''': Once you hear what I've done, you'll thank me for leaving you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''after Gwen puts a shield around Ben''] Thanks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hadn't really thought it through, had you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I prefer to say I trusted in your initiative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Viktor''': Another tank? Bring a hundred!
:'''Heatblast''': I'm fresh out of tanks, your Highney! But I am bringing the heat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is for shooting me in the back and for making me miss out on a sweet pre-owned teleporter pod!
:'''Heatblast''': Will you punch him already?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Never thought I'd say this, but this guy make me nostalgic for the old Dr. Viktor. Think you can get the Rustbucket airborne?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If he can't, I will.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod, it wouldn't be a problem.

===The Big Story===
:(''Sevenseven tries to slash Gwen but is stopped by Rath'')
:'''Rath''': You did not just do that! Let me tell you something, Sevenseven, intergalactic bounty hunter for hire- (''Sevenseven twists his arm around and pushes Rath away'') Ooh! Karate! I'm gonna call you karate man! Can I call you karate man, karate man? Tell you what, karate man! I'll hold real still, like a stack of boards, and you can meditate till your ready to chop me in half! Okay! (''Sevenseven pauses, then slashes at Rath, then Rath grabs Sevenseven'') I lied! You know what's the difference between me and a pile of boards? Boards don't hit back! (''Rath throws Sevenseven into a control panel'') Now... I'm mad. (''Rath cracks knuckles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I had video but I think the plant must've taken it when it retreated into the cave. I'd figured you'd want to, uh, check my work.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I have studying to do, Jimmy. Maybe next conspiracy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ...Okay, okay, I'll check it out. My car's still in the shop. Think you could give us a ride. (''Kevin and Gwen drive off'')
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I can't believe you don't have a bus pass. That should be Plumber standard issue.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll make a note.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to the alien plant'') Your will is my command.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Gasps'') Ben's in on it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Now you're saying Ben is part of the conspiracy? This is a shadowy blob. No credible person would ever take this as real proof.
:'''Will Harangue''': (''Cut to TV studio'') Welcome back to the Will Harangue Nation. Our guest today - Jimmy Jones. The 10 year old Jimmy, the boy who exposed Ben Tennyson for the menace that he is.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Uh that-that's not exactly...
:'''Will Harangue''': Don't talk over me, Jimmy. Now Jimmy has a new equally startling claim. Ben Tennyson is leading and alien invasion to take over the entire Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': You can't hide from me, Jimmy. I only want to take you out for a smoothie - not crush you into a fine powder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': I want to give you an exclusive. A real reporter would risk everything to get to the truth.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': A real reporter follows his hunches. And I have a hunch I wouldn't live to post my story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay, we checked out the cave, Jimmy. We know. Where are you?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': North side Sav Cost. You can't miss me. I'm the kid on a red bike WITH AN ALIEN CHASING HIM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would be happy to silence this creature for once and for all.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The master wants to know why it couldn't absorb him earlier.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': If there are others with his natural resistance, we need to know how it works.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': So I can take him out after, right?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''sees the real Ben, Gwen and Kevin inside the pods'') You're not Ben at all - or Gwen and Kevin!
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': No, we're perfect copies, right down to our DNA.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': But better than the originals, which were lame.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': We're in complete harmony.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Soon there will be no war.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': No disease. No hunger.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': No fun.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The world will be a garden. And everything will be a garden.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They don't have our powers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But my double has the Ultimatrix.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Yes, I do.
:[''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Plant Chromastone''': Chromastone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, you've got to get the Ultimatrix back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll work on that when I'm not getting shot at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Caesar later, alligator. Like Caesar salad. Cause they're plants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': One against four. Well, it's clearly not a chicken salad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, stop. I can't let a battle pun be the last thing I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Groan'') I didn't video any of this. Stupid! Who's going to believe me now?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We will. Jimmy, you're a real reporter.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, from now on, we'll know to take you seriously.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No matter how nutty you sound. &quot;Nutty,&quot; see what I did there?
:(''Ben and Jimmy laugh'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? Why is it funny when he does it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think it's the delivery.

===Girl Trouble===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin! Can't you drive any faster?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Is that supposed to be a trick question?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': It's already settled, Gwen. Your cousin Sunny is staying with us for the summer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What are you complaining about? You used to love playing with her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were 3 years old. I don't even really remember her.
:'''Sunny''': (''settling on the couch between Ben and Kevin'') Hello, boys. I'm Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We heard.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hi. I'm your cousin Ben.
:'''Sunny''': Well, that's boring. [''to Kevin''] You got a name muscles?
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''blushes'') Kevin.
:'''Sunny''': What do you do around her for fun, Kevin?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He hangs out with his girlfriend - Gwen.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is a really bad idea.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I didn't ask for your approval, Gwendolyn. Your cousin's taken up with a bad crowd, so her parents asked us to keep her here for the summer. They think you'll be a good influence on her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I wish everybody would stop saying that about me.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': With that attitude of yours, they'll stop soon enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': (''to Kevin'') Muscles, do you say romantic things to Gwen?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One time, he stared deep into her eyes, and she said: &quot;what?&quot;, and he said: &quot;you´ve got an eye bug&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''Chuckling''] No point in saying anything romantic to Gwen anyway. She's a boring goody-goody who never does anything fun, right? I'm right, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well once my cousin was annoying and I kicked her out of the car, and she had to walk home. That was fun.
:'''Sunny''': Are you telling me to-?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': GET OUT OF THE CAR!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's a relief. For a second there, I thought she was talking to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] She's pretty powerful. How come you can't do that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because SHUT UP!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Haven't looked at it like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''to Kevin''] What do you see in her, muscles? She's so goody-goody. I mean wouldn't you have more fun with a wild girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm right here, Sunny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] Your cousin would make a great member of the...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Absolutely not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious, Sunny. You've had your fun. It's time to go home.
:'''Sunny''': MAKE ME!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I hoped I wouldn't have to. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you leave me no choice... I'm telling your mom and dad.
:'''Sunny''': NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': I'm not going anywhere. My parents won't let me do anything. They only sent me to this awful planet to keep me and Antonio apart. But I just figured something out. [''Sunny sheds her skin revealing her Anodite form''] Nobody on this planet can make me do anything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': Face it, cuz. You're outclassed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like you know anything about class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Gwen is trying to restrain Sunny''] This is a personal matter between Gwen and Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We should respect their privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Ben and Kevin start to leave. Gwen yells at them''] Get back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lodestar''': Lodestar!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You sure turning into a magnets is the best move in a particle accelerator?
:'''Lodestar''': Beats me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking Gwen'') &quot;Kevin, shut down the particle accelerator! Kevin, disarm the fusion bomb!&quot; (''in his normal voice'') If this thing blows up, I'm never speaking to those guys again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Antonio''': Did she hurt you, Sunny? I thump her good!
:'''Humungosaur''': Humongosaur! [''Humungosaur attack Antonio''] Nobody picks on Gwen but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, can you shut down the accelerator?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know, you need like a PhD to use one of these things.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Figure it out!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. Nope. Nope. Aw, just forget it. (hits control panel and particle accelerator shuts down) Huh what do you know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm not as powerful as you are. I'll give you that. [''Sunny laughs''] But Grandma Verdona on the other hand...
:'''Sunny''': [''Sunny turns around''] Grandma? No! I'm not going back! You can't make me!
:'''Verdona''': Oh do be quiet. I am so cross with you right now! How an energy being ended up being such a spoiled brat is beyond me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Entering''] Bomb's disarmed. Hi scary grandma.
:'''Verdona''': Never lose your moxie, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure thing. [''to Ben''] What's moxie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for coming.
:'''Verdona''': Any excuse to see my favorite grandchild.
:'''Sunny''': HEY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your family is weird.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Scoffs''] All families are weird.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh huh. Your cousin left her skin on the floor of the particle accelerator.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's kind of a sliding scale.

===Revenge of the Swarm===
:''Note'': This episode is set one year after the live-action ''[[w:Ben 10: Alien Swarm|Alien Swarm]]'' movie.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Victor Validus''': Did you think you could get rid of us that easily?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[wakes up and comes face-to-face with him]'' Validus! What do you want?
:'''Victor Validus''': This isn't about the microchips, or even the queen and her hive. We understand ''why'' you did that to us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then, what…?
:'''Victor Validus''': We're here because of what you wanted to do to Elena!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I-I don't understand!
:'''Victor Validus''': Don't lie to me, Ben! A father can tell. ''[releases his tentacles to grab Ben]''
:''[Ben activates his Ultimatrix and turns into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! ''[camera zooms out, revealing he's very small]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs and slides under the pillow; Validus' tentacle picks him up]'' Validus, please! I never wanted to hurt Elena.
:'''Victor Validus''': We didn't say you wanted to hurt her. ''[turns into a swirl and Humungousaur is thrown into nothingness]''
:''[Ben wakes up, realizing it was only just a dream]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Mr. Smoothy; Ben talks to Gwen and Kevin about his dream of his encounter with Validus]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I must've seen his shadow on the curtain, and that's what made me dream about him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me. The whole thing was a dream.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I liked the part where Humungosaur was really small. I was reading about how dreams reveal what we're really afraid of.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It was not a dream! Well, the part... about being little was but...
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep telling yourself that, bud.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, Victor Validus was cured a long time ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And those alien microchips that were controlling him all got flushed when you killed the queen and her hive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? Then what's ''this?'' ''[shows them a microchip]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben and his team arrive at Plumbers' Academy talking to one of the Galvin teachers about Elena's whereabouts]''
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Where was I? Oh, yes -- Elena. One of our best students, she would've made an excellent plumber, someday.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she say why she was leaving?
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Lead with the left, Drax. The left. Elena was shattered by her father's death as you might imagined. She couldn't concentrate on school.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe she'll be back when she gets over it.
:'''Galvin Teacher''': I don't think so. When her father passed, she went back to Earth and took over his research on the alien microchips. No one alive knows more about them than she does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why I'm trying to find her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Imitating Ben''] &quot;That's why I'm trying to find her.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It ''is'' why.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Admit it. You just wanna see her again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Elena and I - we're just friends. That's all.
:''[The trio arrive at Elena's lab back on Earth]''
:'''Elena Validus''': ''[opens the door; surprised]'' Ben Tennyson! ''[hugs Ben]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Just friends.&quot;
:'''Elena Validus''': Come in. Let me show you around. ''[escorts Ben inside as Gwen and Kevin follow]'' Most of this came from my father's lab, the rest I built myself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[amazed]'' Incredible -- really incredible.
:'''Elena Validus''': My dad set the bar pretty high.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Elena, are you sure you should be doing this?
:'''Elena Validus''': What? Studying the alien microchips? How could I not?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know how dangerous they are. They can reproduce themselves, take over living bodies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Elena Validus''': Ben, I'd like to help. But what I'm doing here, it's just too important... Maybe you could help me. This could change the whole world, you know?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about the nanites''] These could change the whole world too- but not in a good way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben's gotta help us find where they came from. He doesn't have time to be a lab rat. Right Ben? [''Ben doesn't respond''] BEN?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, right… right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben's house; Ben is doing his homework when he hears a doorbell ringing. He opens the door to see Julie standing at the doorway.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Julie.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I was just passing by. But if you're busy or something&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Doing homework if you can believe it. Come on in.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You look kind of upset.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's this problem I'm working on.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Calculus?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wish. Then I could just con you into doing it for me. It's like the answer's right in front of me, but I can't see it.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What is the problem exactly? A case?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Microchips. I'll show you.
:''[Ben takes his jacket from the couch, but realizes that the microchip is gone.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What's the matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin has it.
:''[Ben runs out the door, but stops and turns to Julie.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know, it feels like I'm&amp;ndash; always running off somewhere, doesn't it?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It's starting to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we get together tomorrow night, for sure?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Smiles]'' I'd like that.
:''[Ben runs off, with Julie looking on.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you see the face Elena made when Ben mentioned Julie?
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's just the way girls are. You've gotta take advantage, play one against the other. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' At least, that's what my friends say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Which friends?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ones I don't see anymore? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena and Ben.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': They're interested in each other. Anybody can see that… But she's going to be a problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena's the type who makes guys think she cares about them. But once they start to care about her, poof! She's gone. I've seen the type before, lots'a times. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' I mean, I've heard about them, from friends. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': Who are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're just looking for Validus. We don't want to hurt you.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Speak for yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I am Janitor, Idiot Boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then how do you explain… (''shows wig'') This!
:'''Egor''': For hiding. (''puts wig on'') When hair started to fall out, that's how I explain. (''stares Kevin's hair'') Maybe you need one some day too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Doesn't seem a little coincidental that Validus would suddenly drop dead after everything that happened?
:'''Egor''': Anyone can die - anytime - even you, smart guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I do know nothing. All I do is clean up Victor's Lab, and then help crazy daughter move equipment.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait a minute, why do you think Elena is crazy?
:'''Egor''': Way she talks, saying &quot;we&quot; or &quot;us&quot; when it's just her. What does she thinks she is? Queen of England?
:(''walks away'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, not the queen of England, the Nanite Queen.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I thought the queen was dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Long live the queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as Ben is being attacked by nanites''] Is this what you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': It… must be.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': NO! Whatever's left of Elena couldn't want this!
:'''Elena Validus''': Julie… we can't stop.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Then you never really cared about Ben!
:'''Elena Validus''': We did. I did!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Isn't there some part of you left, the real you, that cares enough to stop this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben runs to the force field entrance]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Devastated]'' Oh, no.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That ''wasn't'' Elena. The nanites got her a long time ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're wrong. There was enough of my friend left to save my life. Goodbye, Elena.

===The Creature From Beyond===
:''Note'': Gwen casts nonverbal magic spells in this episode.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not driving us down?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gravel will chip my paint.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're setting the hero bar kind of low tonight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you to take Ben's car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': [Aiming his weapon at Ben] Right, nobody move - or the changeling suffers. [''to Ben''] Raise your hands above your head.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If you say so. [''Ben raises his hands and activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungo... [''Humungousaur bumps his head on the ceiling''] Ow!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Stay back!
:'''Humungousaur''': Hey! It's the middle of the night. I just hit my head and you are really annoying me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was so rude!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Me? Rude? To who? Squire Wiffle?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I can't bother to remember, he's not important enough.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Mhmm... jealous?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Of What? His dumb name, his dumb accent or his dumb dress?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a tunic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''to the creature''] I haven't beaten anybody up in about 20 minutes. If you don't let go of that Policeman right now, that's gonna change!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Listen Gwen I can't... I mean we can't afford to lose you... the team, you know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, I... umm... (''to Ben'') Help me out here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': They've changed direction. And they haven't found the tracking device in Winston's ruck sack. First we kill the beast, then our truce with Ben Tennyson comes to an end - as does his life. I swear in the name of the First Knight - victory will be ours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''':  Guess we'd better let the Knights know where we are.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seriously? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, I did say I would. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, but you didn't say when.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Good point. We'll call them after it's all over.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You two should be in politics. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Armodrillo''': ''[to the Lucubra's zombified victims]'' Come on people, back off! We don't wanna hurt you!
:'''Kevin Levin''': To be honest, I am considering it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I felt a ripple in the mana. I thought we should check it out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think I felt a ripple back in my room. You guys take the mana, and I'll investigate my bed. (''Gwen glares at him'') Fine. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After being saved by Goop'') (''to Gwen'') You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course she's not okay! She's not complaining on how disgusting Goop is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am done with waiting!
:[''Starts to enter the building'']
:'''Sir Cyrus''': So are we. [''Gwen stops''] Let them weaken the creature, then we can attack in force.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to help my friends!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': You'll have to go through us first.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was hoping you'd say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Hold fire!
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;[holding up an unconscious knight]&quot; Hey, wake up and stop fighting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After Winston is freed'') Well, hooray for you. Now go buy yourself a cookie.
:'''Winston''': We call them biscuits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Squire Winston, step away from the alien scum!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think he's talking about us.
:'''Kevin Levin''': After all we've meant to each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''While Gwen was watching Winston leaving'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''To Gwen'') Ok... he's cute... I get it.

===Basic Training===
:'''Kevin Levin''': That doesn't look like a metal.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[reading the message]'' &quot;Because you received your Plumber commodations during a field engagement, your required training is incomplete. Please report to academy 2814 for field certification courses.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. We have to go to school?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is the Plumber Academy gonna teach us? It's not like we haven't saved the whole entire universe already.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Give it a rest, Tennyson. If this is what it takes to keep our badges, then this is what we'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is awesome! Look at the classes we get to take: Weapons and Tactics, Interstellar Law, Cultural Sensitivity.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Started strong, but then you lost me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': …Starship Maintenance. (''Kevin smiles'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you got him right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brannigan''': There's been a Null Void breakout. So Magister Hulka wants all new recruits in their bunks and accounted for. You don't want to make him ''and'' me mad on the same day. Do we understand each other, larval dipteroid?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oooh. Big mistake.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Brannigan, you just bought yourself a nose full of Humungousaur!
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''keeps Ben from activating the Ultimatrix''] We're going Tennyson. You're not getting us thrown out of here on the first day.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. You're holding me back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tack''': He saved us. You are the greatest Plumber of all!
:'''Magister Hulka''': He's a larval dipteroid! He disobeyed orders!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I was supposed to let the grenade get you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': You were supposed to do what I tell you! You'd know that if you were ever listening in class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? The magna-lock went bad and it was set on overload instead of stun. Gwen's right.
:'''Magister Hulka''': Go back to your barracks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Someone's out to get you, sir, aren't they? Or you wouldn't let Tack be out of your sight, would you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': Mind... your own... business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whole place is on lockdown. Breaking curfew is against orders.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's like I don't even know you anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Being a Plumber isn't something you mess around with. If you screw this up, you and I are going to get into it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [to Gwen after they've been captured during a battle drill] You gonna handle these clowns, or should I? [''Gwen takes down the squad''] [''To the fallen squad''] Don't blame yourselves. She's devious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kolar''': You ruined my life!
:'''Magister Hulka''': You ruined it yourself, Kolar! Plumbers got honor. You've got nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You... pushed him into a sun?
:'''Magister Hulka''': I did not. I changed the arrival address to a Null Void penitentiary. Plumbers are law enforcement, not judges. Don't ever forget that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't believe I only scored a 98.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Out of a hundred, Gwen. Try and unclench.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It only takes a 72 to pass which I exceeded. How about you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 95. People think I'm not paying attention, but I am.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': My 98 is starting to look really weak.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is me not paying attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magister Hulka''': To my considerable amazement, you all completed the course. So it's official. You're Plumbers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But we knew that already. So what you really came here for was to thank me for saving your life, didn't you? Go on. It won't hurt.
:'''Magister Hulka''': [''Hulka puts a medal on Ben's chest''] Your shuttle leaves for home in 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. What's this for?
:'''Tack''': [''Reading the medal''] &quot;For demonstration of a Plumber's most essential attribute - the ability to exercise latitude and creativity in problem solving.&quot; Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sounds like a &quot;Thank you&quot; to me.

===It's Not Easy Being Gwen===
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I'm not judging them, but let's face it - polite people don't glow.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I glow.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Not around me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ...So no Tennysons at all? Not even Ben or Grandpa?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Ben's table manners leave a bit to be desired and Grandpa Max dresses like he's on vacation in Vegas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Pulling up his car''] You never called me back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Getting in the car''] No time for lunch. I need to stop at Office Mania then swing by my house. My mom needs something.
:[''Gwen notices Kevin's shirt is torn and gasps'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': I found Animo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben was right about checking pet stores.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did you know that he can get a pass to go off campus anytime he wants?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I didn't even know you could buy frogs at the pet store.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Snake food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just because you don't go to school, I don't want you to go up against Animo without me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You know about that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I was in the Null Void for a long while. By the time I'd got out, I'd kind of outgrown fifth grade.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But I also know how smart you are. There isn't a piece of tech in the whole galaxy you can't strip and rebuild by hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe you could go for a High School Equivalency Degree.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A G.E.D.?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure, I'll find out what you need to do. Help you study.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Always room for another project, huh?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If I wanted to take it easy. I'd go live with my grandpa. I'm not about to let anyone down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Is this about you and Ben?
:'''Emily''': It's not that I hate your cousin.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on! It was one date. How bad could it have been?
:'''Emily''': You left me at the top of a radio tower!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': For you own safety.
:'''Emily''': 200 feet above the ground.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't have fallen - I webbed you to it.
:'''Emily''': (''to Gwen'') You're right. I do hate your cousin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': While the Plumbers held me. I had time to plot my revenge. So I've scaled up my Transmodulator Ray and overclocked it. THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL BE...
:'''Cannonbolt''': My cousin's on a schedule. Can we skip this part and move directly to the terrific beating I'm about to give you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Your father's getting dinner. Kevin called and I asked him and Ben to join us. Help set the table. How was your day, Gwenny?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, you know, the usual.

===Ben 10,000 Returns===
:'''Ben 10,000''': Sure it's all fun and games until someone loses and eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Impressive. In all my years hunting alternative versions of you, I've never met one with your abilities. Still I shouldn't be surprised, considering...
:'''Ben 10,000''': Considering what? Why are you doing this Eon? When we fought before we...
:'''Eon''': THAT WASN'T ME, TENNYSON! And soon it won't have been you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Any last words, Tennyson? I'm collecting them.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I've got two words for you. (''activates Omnitrix'') Ultimate Humungousaur!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello Ben.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Good to see you, Paradox. Love how you don't show up until it's all over.
:'''Professor Paradox''': It's far from over, old friend. It's barely begun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's either an uncatalogued alien, or yet another feature I can't figure out - or it's broken again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Gwen takes down a ninja''] Wow! You learned that in Karate School?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Saw it in an old movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Professor Paradox?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello children.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's your friend?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you...?
:'''Ben 10,000''': That's right Ben, I'm you. Only even more awesome. (''after shaking Ben's hand'') Ben 10,000 at your service.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I've heard about you, you're the jerk from the future.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I'm a different Ben 10,000, but I do remember going to that future back when we were ten. What a buzzkill that guy was!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're my real future?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Yes. If nothing occurs to change it. That's why I've - bent the rules of time and brought you here

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': You traveled into Cross Time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like a parallel world?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Exactly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why the me in the future didn't remember it happening to him.
:'''Ben 10,000 and Kevin Levin''': But you remember all of this.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, don't do that again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben 10,000 saves the Rust Bucket from crashing]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You just landed a spaceship!
:'''Ben 10,000''': From the ''outside''. Don't forget the cool part.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How do you do that without transforming?
:'''Ben 10,000''': I haven't bothered to for years. Not since I discovered my best transformation.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ultimate Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What power comes with that?
:'''Ben 10,000''': Pretty much all of them. You'll figure it out someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': There are rules, Kevin. I cannot interfer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Excuse me. But aren't you already interfering?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Touche... Actually I've just come to give young Ben a warning. But that can wait.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Until what?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Until I see if you survive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when discovering that Eon's servants are versions of him'') This raises some questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like where did you learn Nin-Jitsu?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Tennyson, prepare to die.
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': Maybe later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': How about you explain yourself? Why attack me over and over?
:'''Eon''': Our paths are intertwined. In this and every other timeline.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': I won't allow that Eon!
:'''Eon''': You cannot interfere, timewalker. And you why.
:'''Professor Paradox''': True. But if you dare procede there is nowhere in all of space and time you can hide from me.
:'''Eon''': I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Now I have a couple of Ben Tennysons to absorb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben 10,000''': There you go. I've just unlocked everything you've ever become up until now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? Thanks.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I also threw in a few new ones because it'll annoy Azmuth when he finds out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Time to go. But first a warning to my young friend. [''In an ominous voice''] Beware old George. Beware the creature from beyond. [''Cheerfully''] So long.

===Moonstruck===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Trying to fit the equipment into the Rust Bucket]'' How did you fit all this stuff in here?
:''' Grandpa Max''': Gradually, I haven't done spring cleaning in the Rustbucket since I got her. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Except for when I blew it up…which I probably shouldn't mention. 
:'''Grandpa Max''': Just help carry the boxes outside and stack them up. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[unable to lift the box]'' Ehhh… Heavy! 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not if you take them one at a time. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've got a better idea ''[activates Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Fourarms''': FOURARMS! 
:'''Kevin, Gwen and Max''': Ben! 
:'''Grandpa Max''': You're too big to be in here! 
:'''Fourarms''': No, I'm not!
:''[sounds of glass breaking]''
:'''Grandpa Max''': Ben!
:'''Fourarms''': Sorry, sorry. I'm going. ''[gets stuck in the door and is kicked out by Kevin]'' Thanks a lot, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you have a woman's bracelet?
:'''Grandpa Max''': It's not exactly jewelry, Gwen. It belonged to your grandmother. Long story. [''the team sits down. Max sighs''] I was about Kevin's age. A rookie with the Tactical Air Command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel''': You think the laws of physics don't apply to you, Tennyson?! F-104s are rated for Mach 2. You were pushing Mach 3! Do you know what happens when an F-104 goes that fast?! [''They both look at the burning wreckage of Max's jet''] IT FALLS APART!
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Sir, if you'd give me a chance to ex--
:'''Colonel''': No! No more chances! No more excuses! You are through! I am kicking your butt off this base and out of the Air Force!
:'''Major General''': Excuse me, Colonel. I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': So, do you know why President Kennedy wants to send us to the moon?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Because of the Russians?
:'''Major General''': No. Because of the kind of thing you saw today. I don't know what you tangled with, but I do know it was real. Of course, officially, we deny everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': On the other hand, you've been cited repeatedly for insubordination.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Only when my Commanding Officers were wrong... sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': How's your chili?
:'''Florence''': Pretty bad.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': That's my favorite kind. I'll take a double order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The pickings are looking pretty slim in here.
:'''Young Verdona''': [''Approaching Max''] I'm gonna try and not take that personally.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': ...Hello. Present company accepted, of course.
:'''Florence''': I'll let you two get acquainted. [''Florence leaves'']
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm Max.
:'''Young Verdona''': Verdona.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Fine. What you said before was correct. I'm not from around here. I'm from another planet. And that man chasing me isn't a man at all. He's actually from a race of sentient robots called &quot;Synthroids.&quot;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Oh. Why didn't you say so?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Well, I have certain... how shall I put this?... Abilities.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': So why don't you use them?
:'''Young Verdona''': I can't. The Synthroid put this on my arm. [''Verdona shows Max a bracelet''] It locked me in this form and neutralizes most of my powers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Then you can tell when the robot's getting close.
:'''Young Verdona''': Telepathy only works with living beings. The Synthroid is a machine. But I did read your mind.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': In the diner? It wouldn't take superpowers to tell what I was thinking, doll.
:'''Young Verdona''': Not then. When you were chasing us in your fighter jet.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You were in the UFO?
:'''Young Verdona''': A captive. Then you shot it down, and I escaped. But I knew that I had to find you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Synthroid''': What is one life compared to the survival of my species?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The way I see it, any life is precious. But you wouldn't understand that because you're really alive, are you? Anyway, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': And... this is what you really look like?
:'''Young Verdona''': Does my true form displease you?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': No. On you it's a good look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Why settle for the moon when I can give you the stars?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You can't give me what I want. I have to take it. It wouldn't be the same if I didn't do it myself. Do you understand?
:'''Young Verdona''': You are a stubborn man, Max Tennyson.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I always say, it's a sin to waste talent.
:'''Young Verdona''': I won't argue. Because I know I can't convince you. But I promise - we will meet again.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm counting on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''snores, but then is punched by Ben'') What'd I miss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': [''Holding on to Verdona's bracelet and looking to the stars''] Good night, Verdona. Wherever you are.

===Prisoner #775 Is Missing===
:(''Ben turns into Swampfire'') 
:'''Swampfire''': Swampfire! (''lights a campfire'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, that's overkill.
:'''Swampfire''': No. It's Swampfire. I don't have an alien named &quot;Overkill&quot;. 'Cause if I did, I'd, you know, shout: &quot;Overkill!&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's with the shouting names thing anyway?
:'''Swampfire''': It strikes fear into my enemies.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ...You go right on believing that, bud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Well, it's local business. The first step should be for the Air Force to send in their own investigators.
:'''Cooper Daniels''': They did. But whatever they learned, we'll never find out from them, Magister Tennyson. Nobody knows techology like I do, and I've never seen anything like it.
:'''Grandpa Max''': All right, Cooper, I'll be right there. [''Gwen clears her throat''] We'll be right there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Plumbers really need to upgrade their rides, I mean look at this thing! No power, lousy security system.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You want one, don't you?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe for your birthday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Perhaps you could enlighten us, Colonel.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Sorry Max. It's above your paygrade.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then my grandfather gets a raise right now or we walk!
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You're gonna let him talk to me like that, Max?
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'll let him know when he says something I disagree with... Okay, then.
:[''Everyone turns to leave'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You haven't said much.
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'm trying not to throttle you. This holding facility of yours is nothing but a prison. Earth is a level 2 world. And a privisonary signatory of the Kelly-Casey Accords. You have no rights...
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Rights? Don't talk to me about rights with all the alien terrorists you fought. You know the dangers they present. You should be thanking me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Big Chill'') 
:'''Big Chill''': Big Chill! (''he passes through the floor'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Cooper'') When he shouted his name just then, did it strike fear into you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not now, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Time for Humungousaur! ''[Transforms into Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!! FINE, RATH'S BETTER ANYWAY!! HEY, HEY, LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', MR. ALIEN PRISONER!! NOBODY GOES UNLESS RATH SAYS THEY CAN GO!! BECAUSE RATH GOES BEFORE EVERYBODY!! SO DON'T GO, YO!!!''''' ''[Jumps and holds on to the ship]'' '''''AAAH!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP?!! 'CAUSE RATH'S GOT TONS MORE!! IN FACT, I'VE GOTTA GIVE YOU SOME OF MINE, SO IT'LL BE A FAIR FIGHT!! AND AFTER THAT, EVERYTHING I GAVE YOU I CAN TAKE IT BACK AGAIN!! AND MAKE YOU LIKE IT!! '''''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looks at Rath]''  You know, Rath is the only alien that makes me wanna get a box of popcorn, kick back and just watch.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, this isn't the time for- Okay, me too.
:'''Rath''': '''''AAAH!! GIVE UP, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP!! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FORM RATH!! YAAH!!''''' ''[Extends his claw, starts tearing the ship apart. The ship begins to crash]'' '''''CRASHING'S GOOD TOO!! RATH CAN CRASH ALL DAY!!''''' ''[The part of the ship Raths holds on to tears off, Rath falls down]'' '''''OH, NOW YOU'RE USING GRAVITY!! WELL FORGET IT!! GIVE UP, GRAVITY!! YOU CAN'T BEAT RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH...!!''''' ''[Slams into the ground]''
:''[Gwen and Kevin approach the Rath-shaped hole]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Ben, are you all right?
:'''Rath''': ''[Crawls out of the hole, breathes heavily and shakes his head]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', STUPID RATH-SIZED HOLE!! RATH WILL DESTROY YOU!!''''' ''[Starts stomping the ground]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh for crying out loud! Ben!
:'''Rath''': (''Pauses, then kicks dust at the hole'') What? (''Gwen gives him a stern look'') Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben helps an officer get up and sit'')
:'''Officer''': Ben... Tennyson... My daughter's nuts about you...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? She's cute?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's fail-safe - in case a plumber's ship is crashed and then abandoned. I'm on it. Don't worry.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Plumber override. [''Kevin uses his badge to override the fail-safe''] I said &quot;don't worry.&quot; [''the fail-safe starts up again''] Now you can worry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben tries to transform]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Goop? ''[Transforms into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Hah! Finally! Okay, no one has to get hurt. ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a car towards him, it slams into Humungousaur's leg]'' Wow, a little car. ''[Slams it away]''  You'll have to do better than-  ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a truck towards him.]'' Oh, truck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Leave me be! I intend to balance the scales!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You wanna balance scales? Go on a diet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': I no longer have a home. While I rotted away in your prison, the revolution was lost! My mate, my children - gone - all gone. This is nothing left to live for.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's always something to live fore. You could even the score.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Absolutely. You could seek justice.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Justice? Yes. Those who wronged me should die - beginning with Colonel Rozum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Remember, this guy could be totally innocent of everything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He stole a ship. He's no &quot;innocent&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You really wanna stack your rap sheet against his, Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just sayin'...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben transforms into Wildmutt]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[deep voice]'' Wildmutt! ''[Wildmutt and Kevin look at her]'' What? He can't talk! Somebody had to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': You're going to live Rozum. Just long enough to see what it's like to lose your family.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': They have nothing to do with this.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Neither did mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Lease your overgrown pet! He's no match for me!
:''[Wildmutt slams his Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Ultimate Wildmutt!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was gonna do that for you!
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Tell you what, you can clean up what's left of him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Do it. Finish me. Come on! Let me join my family. Do it. Do it!... PLEASE do it! Please finish me. I've got... nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': DNA scanned and recognized. Merlinisapiens. Unlocked and available on Playlist 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey guys! Check it out! (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Overkill! Well? Well?
:(''Gwen and Kevin walk away'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Too soon?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': You still don't get it, Colonel. Earth's in violation of Interstellar law. You don't seem to realize the enormity of what you've done.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': I realize it fine, Max. And under the same circumstances, I'd do the *exact* same thing. When it comes to choosing between a few hundred aliens and my country, it's a no-brainer.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Ben 10]]</text>
      <sha1>t27pbge7fktmrx089n46o30lqe2rgx6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153251</id>
      <parentid>3153250</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:52:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Girl Trouble */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="60871" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.

==Episodes 21-32)==
===The Transmogrification Of Eunice===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You guys act like a couple of ten-year olds!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ten year olds can't drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''over the communicator'') Neither can you, grandma!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wanna make this interesting? Last one to the campsite has to do the cooking.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're on, I want pancakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sensing Eunice'') I don't sense any injuries.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, she looks pretty healthy to me too. (''Gwen elbows him'') Ow! What? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': I'm fun even if I don't have memory?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It'll come back. Don't force it. Anyway you're more fun than Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm right here, dude. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': You're not very good at flirting.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How would you know? You have total memory loss.
:'''Eunice''': True, but I wasn't born yesterday. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. I won't happen again.
:'''Eunice''': I said it was awful. I didn't say stop.  	

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie broke up with me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. She said you might as well be broken up.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Same difference.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Two to one majority. Don't wait up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') You're treating her like a fifth wheel. Wasn't that long ago I was the one trying to fit with you and your cousin. So be nice. (''Gwen stares at him'') What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sometimes you make sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is going to be fu-u-un!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A minute ago you were trying to get out of camping and now it's gonna be fun? Are you working some sort of angle?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen, I know it's important to you that we all spend some &quot;quality time together,&quot; I want what you want.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If you're working some sort of angle, so help me, I'm gonna hurt you.
:(''Kevin sniggers'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': [''about a rabbit''] Want to pet him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Does it bite?
:'''Eunice''': No. I'm pretty sure that bear you were going to fight for me does though.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's different.
:'''Eunice''': If you want to be scared of the bunny, I won't judge. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where's Eunice?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man, you cannot keep a girlfriend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come here often?
:'''Eunice''': You've all been so nice to me. And now I've brought you into this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What is &quot;this&quot;? What does Sunder want from you?
:'''Eunice''': I honestly don't know. I've been trying to remember but I can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe something from your ship?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Could be. When we found you, I'm pretty sure you weren't carrying anything.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sternly'') Kevin.
 	
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sunder.
:'''Sunder''': Tennyson. If I'd known it was you, there wouldn't have been a warning shot.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess that's where you made your first mistake. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You want to know who you are? I can tell you. I can even take you home.
:'''Eunice''': You can?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': EUNICE! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
:'''Sunder''': Don't you want to know who you are - or rather - what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You really thought you could beat me?
:'''Ultimate Cannonbolt''': Well, yes.
:'''Sunder''': Last mistake you'll ever make.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He'll make plenty more mistakes! ...That didn't come out right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': Never did get even with you for sending me to the Null Void.
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': &quot;Get even&quot;? You cut my hand off!
:'''Sunder''': Stop whining. You got it back! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Azmuth sees Ultimate Cannonbolt, Gwen, Kevin and Eunice struggling with Sunder in mud]''
:'''Azmuth''': Wallowing in the mud. Why am I not surprised?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You can't store a human being!
:'''Azmuth''': She's not human. She's a construct. No more alive than any of you transformations. She's not real.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you to say that?! My transformations are real and she's ''way'' more human than you are!
:'''Azmuth''': The Unitrix is dangerous. I cannot let her roam around unsupervised. I'm sorry, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[threatened with anger]'' I'll fight you, Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': ''[smiles]'' I believe you would.

===Eye of the Beholder===
:'''Humungousaur''': You said we should see each other. Sounds simple to me.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I said &quot;Considering how little time you have for me, we might as well be broken up.&quot;
:'''Humungousaur''': That is not my fault! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Humungousaur has just agilely jumped on the back of a Forever Knights robot]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I know, I'm nimble for a big guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I told you it was the Forever Knights.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't see how these things fit into the whole King Arthur theme.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe they're supposed to be horses?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Anyway, I thought they broke up last year.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't think so.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll ask them about it, after we kick their cans!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Smooth move Romeo. You sure showed her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Showed her what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You don't know either, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Voice-over, while the aftermath of his battle with the Forever Knights is shown]'' So I let her go, I guess I shouldn't have. But I still have Forever Knights to thrash! And after that, there's always the press... But, you know, they're &quot;ditchable&quot;,...kind of. You don't have to do their interviews, but they still thrash you on their stupid cable-shows. I guess there's no way to escape the things that really matter. Like Julie... ''[Voice-over ends, Ben is seen lying down on a bed]'' She says that I don't spend enough time with her, that I take her for granted. ''[angry]'' But I can't just drop everything whenever I want! I have responsibilities! I'm a famous superhero! ''[Camera zooms out to reveal Jimmy sitting next to Ben, eating peanuts]''
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I see. Peanuts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it. We're glad to help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Besides we are all up to here with Ben. I mean if he says &quot;I saved the whole entire universe&quot; one more time, I'm gonna go psycho!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Again?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's just an expression.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And yet I still feel the need to check.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Look, I told you I thought this place was just an old ruin.
:'''Strabismus''': This is our most revered place!
:'''Baz-El''': Yes, well you don't take very good care of it, do you? From the looks of it, I assumed you were all extinct.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Strabismus''': Blasphemer! Don't you realize that by destroying the altar, you've awakened the sentinels?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I who'd the what now? [''the sentinels start moving''] Aw man! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is ridiculous. (''stumbles on the terrain'') Whoa! I flew halfway across the galaxy just so Julie can tell me to buzz off again? I don't deserve this. I'm a world famous hero!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're a world famous jerk!! Woah! (''absorbs the ground and creates cleats for his shoes'') That's better. And if you weren't such a jerk, maybe she wouldn't have dumped you in the first place!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, and now ''you're'' the expert on feelings?
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, I'm an expert on jerks!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know I don't have to take that from--Yah! (''slips, Kevin smiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Alien''': Stop, you imbecile!
:'''Brainstorm''': &quot;Imbecile&quot;? I dare say I have greater intellectual capacity in my left claw than you have in your entire species!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Is he going to-
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Shhhhh! I need to concentrate. My magic doesn't work well on technology. (''hears Kevin chewing'') What are you doing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Eating.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I heard.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's a fleen cake, want some?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Julie's fighting''] Need any help? [''Julie keeps fighting''] Okay then... so you... keep doing... you know that... And I'll go... help Baz-El.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it, we're glad to help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Ero... when I can... I collect a few... souvenirs for profit. I call it my retirement plan. So shoot me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I might've been kidding. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': [''after Baz-El belches''] What is your problem?
:'''Baz-El''': I... have a very delicate stomach which does not respond well to stress or impending doom. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': (''mocking Julie'') Oh, he's a cannon! Now, he's a battle cruiser! Good boy, Ship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'll it be Ship? Go with Baz-El so he can make a few bucks selling you or stay with Julie, who really cares about...
:'''Ship''': JULIE! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I know I'm a jerk sometimes-
:'''Gwen &amp; Kevin''': &quot;Sometimes&quot;?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angry]'' I got this! '' But... you're the only person in my life, ''[Looks at Gwen and Kevin]'' besides ''them'', who isn't impressed by all that other stuff. You know the real me, faults and all and that's okay with you. Kinda..
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': &quot;Kinda.&quot; You promise you'll do better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''with a nervous smile'') I promise I'll try.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''smiling'') Then I'll try too.

===Vicktor: The Spoils===
:'''King Xarion''': Did you truly think that anything occurs within these walls without my knowledge? Show it to me!
:'''Prince Gyla''': It is magnificent father. And once we resurrect Dr. Viktor, no power on earth can stand against our might!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyla''': All of our enemies will bow down before me - before you.
:'''King Xarion''': You will be king someday, my son. But before that day comes - you have much to learn.
:'''Prince Gyla''': You speak like a diplomat. If it wasn't for your weakness, mother would still be alive!
:'''King Xarion''': How dare you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo! I was going for Jetray but whatever. (''Blows the missiles up but keeps falling'') Oh no! (''Goes Ultimate'')
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (''Blows up the rest of the missiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you need a teleporter for?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Lets see. Breaking into bad guy's headquarters, escaping from bad guy's traps, uhh... saving money on spaceship fuel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': okay, point taken. But Gwen can teleport us with her &quot;magic&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It makes her tired.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It does not!
:'''Kevin Levin''': And cranky... (''smiles'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You make me cranky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A small but strategically important monarchy. They're in the middle of a civil war.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No problem. Ben can take care of that over the weekend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I learned my lesson the last time. This time we've got a more focused mission.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your son's the guy trying to take over? I thought it was the rebels.
:'''King Xarion''': The list of those who would have this throne is long, but the prince is the only one I fear.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me, that kid needs a serious time out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just once, I'd like to sneak in and out of a place without getting into a fight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod...
:'''Big Chill''': Oh give it a rest, will ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Doctor Viktor.
:'''Big Chill''': Or what's left of him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I wonder what did this to him. (''Gwen and Big Chill stare at Kevin'') When I dumped him in the Null Void he was still alive. Seriously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyula''': (''about Dr. Viktor'') He's an empty shell, existing only to do my bidding. (''activates remote'') Destroy them!
:'''Big Chill''': How'd I know he was gonna say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''after freeing the King''] Wait you can't leave us here.
:'''King Xarion''': Once you hear what I've done, you'll thank me for leaving you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''after Gwen puts a shield around Ben''] Thanks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hadn't really thought it through, had you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I prefer to say I trusted in your initiative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Viktor''': Another tank? Bring a hundred!
:'''Heatblast''': I'm fresh out of tanks, your Highney! But I am bringing the heat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is for shooting me in the back and for making me miss out on a sweet pre-owned teleporter pod!
:'''Heatblast''': Will you punch him already?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Never thought I'd say this, but this guy make me nostalgic for the old Dr. Viktor. Think you can get the Rustbucket airborne?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If he can't, I will.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod, it wouldn't be a problem.

===The Big Story===
:(''Sevenseven tries to slash Gwen but is stopped by Rath'')
:'''Rath''': You did not just do that! Let me tell you something, Sevenseven, intergalactic bounty hunter for hire- (''Sevenseven twists his arm around and pushes Rath away'') Ooh! Karate! I'm gonna call you karate man! Can I call you karate man, karate man? Tell you what, karate man! I'll hold real still, like a stack of boards, and you can meditate till your ready to chop me in half! Okay! (''Sevenseven pauses, then slashes at Rath, then Rath grabs Sevenseven'') I lied! You know what's the difference between me and a pile of boards? Boards don't hit back! (''Rath throws Sevenseven into a control panel'') Now... I'm mad. (''Rath cracks knuckles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I had video but I think the plant must've taken it when it retreated into the cave. I'd figured you'd want to, uh, check my work.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I have studying to do, Jimmy. Maybe next conspiracy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ...Okay, okay, I'll check it out. My car's still in the shop. Think you could give us a ride. (''Kevin and Gwen drive off'')
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I can't believe you don't have a bus pass. That should be Plumber standard issue.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll make a note.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to the alien plant'') Your will is my command.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Gasps'') Ben's in on it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Now you're saying Ben is part of the conspiracy? This is a shadowy blob. No credible person would ever take this as real proof.
:'''Will Harangue''': (''Cut to TV studio'') Welcome back to the Will Harangue Nation. Our guest today - Jimmy Jones. The 10 year old Jimmy, the boy who exposed Ben Tennyson for the menace that he is.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Uh that-that's not exactly...
:'''Will Harangue''': Don't talk over me, Jimmy. Now Jimmy has a new equally startling claim. Ben Tennyson is leading and alien invasion to take over the entire Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': You can't hide from me, Jimmy. I only want to take you out for a smoothie - not crush you into a fine powder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': I want to give you an exclusive. A real reporter would risk everything to get to the truth.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': A real reporter follows his hunches. And I have a hunch I wouldn't live to post my story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay, we checked out the cave, Jimmy. We know. Where are you?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': North side Sav Cost. You can't miss me. I'm the kid on a red bike WITH AN ALIEN CHASING HIM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would be happy to silence this creature for once and for all.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The master wants to know why it couldn't absorb him earlier.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': If there are others with his natural resistance, we need to know how it works.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': So I can take him out after, right?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''sees the real Ben, Gwen and Kevin inside the pods'') You're not Ben at all - or Gwen and Kevin!
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': No, we're perfect copies, right down to our DNA.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': But better than the originals, which were lame.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': We're in complete harmony.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Soon there will be no war.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': No disease. No hunger.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': No fun.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The world will be a garden. And everything will be a garden.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They don't have our powers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But my double has the Ultimatrix.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Yes, I do.
:[''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Plant Chromastone''': Chromastone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, you've got to get the Ultimatrix back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll work on that when I'm not getting shot at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Caesar later, alligator. Like Caesar salad. Cause they're plants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': One against four. Well, it's clearly not a chicken salad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, stop. I can't let a battle pun be the last thing I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Groan'') I didn't video any of this. Stupid! Who's going to believe me now?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We will. Jimmy, you're a real reporter.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, from now on, we'll know to take you seriously.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No matter how nutty you sound. &quot;Nutty,&quot; see what I did there?
:(''Ben and Jimmy laugh'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? Why is it funny when he does it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think it's the delivery.

===Girl Trouble===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin! Can't you drive any faster?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Is that supposed to be a trick question?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': It's already settled, Gwen. Your cousin Sunny is staying with us for the summer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What are you complaining about? You used to love playing with her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were 3 years old. I don't even really remember her.
:'''Sunny''': (''settling on the couch between Ben and Kevin'') Hello, boys. I'm Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We heard.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hi. I'm your cousin Ben.
:'''Sunny''': Well, that's boring. [''to Kevin''] You got a name muscles?
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''blushes'') Kevin.
:'''Sunny''': What do you do around her for fun, Kevin?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He hangs out with his girlfriend - Gwen.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is a really bad idea.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I didn't ask for your approval, Gwendolyn. Your cousin's taken up with a bad crowd, so her parents asked us to keep her here for the summer. They think you'll be a good influence on her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I wish everybody would stop saying that about me.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': With that attitude of yours, they'll stop soon enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': (''to Kevin'') Muscles, do you say romantic things to Gwen?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One time, he stared deep into her eyes, and she said: &quot;what?&quot;, and he said: &quot;you´ve got an eye bug&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''Chuckling''] No point in saying anything romantic to Gwen anyway. She's a boring goody-goody who never does anything fun, right? I'm right, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well once my cousin was annoying and I kicked her out of the car, and she had to walk home. That was fun.
:'''Sunny''': Are you telling me to-?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': GET OUT OF THE CAR!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's a relief. For a second there, I thought she was talking to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] She's pretty powerful. How come you can't do that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because SHUT UP!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Haven't looked at it like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''to Kevin''] What do you see in her, muscles? She's so goody-goody. I mean wouldn't you have more fun with a wild girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm right here, Sunny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] Your cousin would make a great member of the...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Absolutely not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious, Sunny. You've had your fun. It's time to go home.
:'''Sunny''': MAKE ME!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I hoped I wouldn't have to. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you leave me no choice... I'm telling your mom and dad.
:'''Sunny''': NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': I'm not going anywhere. My parents won't let me do anything. They only sent me to this awful planet to keep me and Antonio apart. But I just figured something out. [''Sunny sheds her skin revealing her Anodite form''] Nobody on this planet can make me do anything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': Face it, cuz. You're outclassed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like you know anything about class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Gwen is trying to restrain Sunny''] This is a personal matter between Gwen and Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We should respect their privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Ben and Kevin start to leave. Gwen yells at them''] Get back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lodestar''': Lodestar!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You sure turning into a magnets is the best move in a particle accelerator?
:'''Lodestar''': Beats me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking Gwen'') &quot;Kevin, shut down the particle accelerator! Kevin, disarm the fusion bomb!&quot; (''in his normal voice'') If this thing blows up, I'm never speaking to those guys again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Antonio''': Did she hurt you, Sunny? I thump her good!
:'''Humungosaur''': Humongosaur! [''Humungosaur attack Antonio''] Nobody picks on Gwen but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, can you shut down the accelerator?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know, you need like a PhD to use one of these things.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Figure it out!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. Nope. Nope. Aw, just forget it. (hits control panel and particle accelerator shuts down) Huh what do you know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm not as powerful as you are. I'll give you that. ''[Sunny laughs]'' But Grandma Verdona on the other hand…
:'''Sunny''': ''[turns around to see Grandma Verdona appearing in sight]'' Grandma? No! I'm not going back! You can't make me!
:'''Verdona''': Oh, do be quiet. I am so cross with you right now. ''[traps Sunny in a force field]'' How an energy being ended up being such a spoiled brat is beyond me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Entering''] Bomb's disarmed. Hi scary grandma.
:'''Verdona''': Never lose your moxie, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure thing. [''to Ben''] What's moxie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your family is weird.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Scoffs''] All families are weird.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh huh. Your cousin left her skin on the floor of the particle accelerator.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's kind of a sliding scale.

===Revenge of the Swarm===
:''Note'': This episode is set one year after the live-action ''[[w:Ben 10: Alien Swarm|Alien Swarm]]'' movie.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Victor Validus''': Did you think you could get rid of us that easily?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[wakes up and comes face-to-face with him]'' Validus! What do you want?
:'''Victor Validus''': This isn't about the microchips, or even the queen and her hive. We understand ''why'' you did that to us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then, what…?
:'''Victor Validus''': We're here because of what you wanted to do to Elena!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I-I don't understand!
:'''Victor Validus''': Don't lie to me, Ben! A father can tell. ''[releases his tentacles to grab Ben]''
:''[Ben activates his Ultimatrix and turns into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! ''[camera zooms out, revealing he's very small]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs and slides under the pillow; Validus' tentacle picks him up]'' Validus, please! I never wanted to hurt Elena.
:'''Victor Validus''': We didn't say you wanted to hurt her. ''[turns into a swirl and Humungousaur is thrown into nothingness]''
:''[Ben wakes up, realizing it was only just a dream]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Mr. Smoothy; Ben talks to Gwen and Kevin about his dream of his encounter with Validus]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I must've seen his shadow on the curtain, and that's what made me dream about him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me. The whole thing was a dream.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I liked the part where Humungosaur was really small. I was reading about how dreams reveal what we're really afraid of.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It was not a dream! Well, the part... about being little was but...
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep telling yourself that, bud.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, Victor Validus was cured a long time ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And those alien microchips that were controlling him all got flushed when you killed the queen and her hive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? Then what's ''this?'' ''[shows them a microchip]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben and his team arrive at Plumbers' Academy talking to one of the Galvin teachers about Elena's whereabouts]''
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Where was I? Oh, yes -- Elena. One of our best students, she would've made an excellent plumber, someday.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she say why she was leaving?
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Lead with the left, Drax. The left. Elena was shattered by her father's death as you might imagined. She couldn't concentrate on school.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe she'll be back when she gets over it.
:'''Galvin Teacher''': I don't think so. When her father passed, she went back to Earth and took over his research on the alien microchips. No one alive knows more about them than she does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why I'm trying to find her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Imitating Ben''] &quot;That's why I'm trying to find her.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It ''is'' why.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Admit it. You just wanna see her again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Elena and I - we're just friends. That's all.
:''[The trio arrive at Elena's lab back on Earth]''
:'''Elena Validus''': ''[opens the door; surprised]'' Ben Tennyson! ''[hugs Ben]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Just friends.&quot;
:'''Elena Validus''': Come in. Let me show you around. ''[escorts Ben inside as Gwen and Kevin follow]'' Most of this came from my father's lab, the rest I built myself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[amazed]'' Incredible -- really incredible.
:'''Elena Validus''': My dad set the bar pretty high.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Elena, are you sure you should be doing this?
:'''Elena Validus''': What? Studying the alien microchips? How could I not?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know how dangerous they are. They can reproduce themselves, take over living bodies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Elena Validus''': Ben, I'd like to help. But what I'm doing here, it's just too important... Maybe you could help me. This could change the whole world, you know?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about the nanites''] These could change the whole world too- but not in a good way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben's gotta help us find where they came from. He doesn't have time to be a lab rat. Right Ben? [''Ben doesn't respond''] BEN?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, right… right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben's house; Ben is doing his homework when he hears a doorbell ringing. He opens the door to see Julie standing at the doorway.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Julie.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I was just passing by. But if you're busy or something&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Doing homework if you can believe it. Come on in.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You look kind of upset.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's this problem I'm working on.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Calculus?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wish. Then I could just con you into doing it for me. It's like the answer's right in front of me, but I can't see it.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What is the problem exactly? A case?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Microchips. I'll show you.
:''[Ben takes his jacket from the couch, but realizes that the microchip is gone.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What's the matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin has it.
:''[Ben runs out the door, but stops and turns to Julie.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know, it feels like I'm&amp;ndash; always running off somewhere, doesn't it?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It's starting to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we get together tomorrow night, for sure?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Smiles]'' I'd like that.
:''[Ben runs off, with Julie looking on.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you see the face Elena made when Ben mentioned Julie?
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's just the way girls are. You've gotta take advantage, play one against the other. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' At least, that's what my friends say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Which friends?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ones I don't see anymore? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena and Ben.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': They're interested in each other. Anybody can see that… But she's going to be a problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena's the type who makes guys think she cares about them. But once they start to care about her, poof! She's gone. I've seen the type before, lots'a times. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' I mean, I've heard about them, from friends. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': Who are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're just looking for Validus. We don't want to hurt you.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Speak for yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I am Janitor, Idiot Boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then how do you explain… (''shows wig'') This!
:'''Egor''': For hiding. (''puts wig on'') When hair started to fall out, that's how I explain. (''stares Kevin's hair'') Maybe you need one some day too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Doesn't seem a little coincidental that Validus would suddenly drop dead after everything that happened?
:'''Egor''': Anyone can die - anytime - even you, smart guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I do know nothing. All I do is clean up Victor's Lab, and then help crazy daughter move equipment.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait a minute, why do you think Elena is crazy?
:'''Egor''': Way she talks, saying &quot;we&quot; or &quot;us&quot; when it's just her. What does she thinks she is? Queen of England?
:(''walks away'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, not the queen of England, the Nanite Queen.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I thought the queen was dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Long live the queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as Ben is being attacked by nanites''] Is this what you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': It… must be.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': NO! Whatever's left of Elena couldn't want this!
:'''Elena Validus''': Julie… we can't stop.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Then you never really cared about Ben!
:'''Elena Validus''': We did. I did!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Isn't there some part of you left, the real you, that cares enough to stop this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben runs to the force field entrance]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Devastated]'' Oh, no.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That ''wasn't'' Elena. The nanites got her a long time ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're wrong. There was enough of my friend left to save my life. Goodbye, Elena.

===The Creature From Beyond===
:''Note'': Gwen casts nonverbal magic spells in this episode.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not driving us down?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gravel will chip my paint.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're setting the hero bar kind of low tonight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you to take Ben's car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': [Aiming his weapon at Ben] Right, nobody move - or the changeling suffers. [''to Ben''] Raise your hands above your head.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If you say so. [''Ben raises his hands and activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungo... [''Humungousaur bumps his head on the ceiling''] Ow!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Stay back!
:'''Humungousaur''': Hey! It's the middle of the night. I just hit my head and you are really annoying me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was so rude!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Me? Rude? To who? Squire Wiffle?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I can't bother to remember, he's not important enough.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Mhmm... jealous?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Of What? His dumb name, his dumb accent or his dumb dress?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a tunic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''to the creature''] I haven't beaten anybody up in about 20 minutes. If you don't let go of that Policeman right now, that's gonna change!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Listen Gwen I can't... I mean we can't afford to lose you... the team, you know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, I... umm... (''to Ben'') Help me out here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': They've changed direction. And they haven't found the tracking device in Winston's ruck sack. First we kill the beast, then our truce with Ben Tennyson comes to an end - as does his life. I swear in the name of the First Knight - victory will be ours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''':  Guess we'd better let the Knights know where we are.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seriously? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, I did say I would. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, but you didn't say when.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Good point. We'll call them after it's all over.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You two should be in politics. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Armodrillo''': ''[to the Lucubra's zombified victims]'' Come on people, back off! We don't wanna hurt you!
:'''Kevin Levin''': To be honest, I am considering it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I felt a ripple in the mana. I thought we should check it out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think I felt a ripple back in my room. You guys take the mana, and I'll investigate my bed. (''Gwen glares at him'') Fine. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After being saved by Goop'') (''to Gwen'') You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course she's not okay! She's not complaining on how disgusting Goop is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am done with waiting!
:[''Starts to enter the building'']
:'''Sir Cyrus''': So are we. [''Gwen stops''] Let them weaken the creature, then we can attack in force.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to help my friends!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': You'll have to go through us first.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was hoping you'd say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Hold fire!
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;[holding up an unconscious knight]&quot; Hey, wake up and stop fighting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After Winston is freed'') Well, hooray for you. Now go buy yourself a cookie.
:'''Winston''': We call them biscuits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Squire Winston, step away from the alien scum!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think he's talking about us.
:'''Kevin Levin''': After all we've meant to each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''While Gwen was watching Winston leaving'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''To Gwen'') Ok... he's cute... I get it.

===Basic Training===
:'''Kevin Levin''': That doesn't look like a metal.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[reading the message]'' &quot;Because you received your Plumber commodations during a field engagement, your required training is incomplete. Please report to academy 2814 for field certification courses.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. We have to go to school?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is the Plumber Academy gonna teach us? It's not like we haven't saved the whole entire universe already.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Give it a rest, Tennyson. If this is what it takes to keep our badges, then this is what we'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is awesome! Look at the classes we get to take: Weapons and Tactics, Interstellar Law, Cultural Sensitivity.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Started strong, but then you lost me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': …Starship Maintenance. (''Kevin smiles'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you got him right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brannigan''': There's been a Null Void breakout. So Magister Hulka wants all new recruits in their bunks and accounted for. You don't want to make him ''and'' me mad on the same day. Do we understand each other, larval dipteroid?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oooh. Big mistake.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Brannigan, you just bought yourself a nose full of Humungousaur!
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''keeps Ben from activating the Ultimatrix''] We're going Tennyson. You're not getting us thrown out of here on the first day.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. You're holding me back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tack''': He saved us. You are the greatest Plumber of all!
:'''Magister Hulka''': He's a larval dipteroid! He disobeyed orders!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I was supposed to let the grenade get you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': You were supposed to do what I tell you! You'd know that if you were ever listening in class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? The magna-lock went bad and it was set on overload instead of stun. Gwen's right.
:'''Magister Hulka''': Go back to your barracks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Someone's out to get you, sir, aren't they? Or you wouldn't let Tack be out of your sight, would you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': Mind... your own... business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whole place is on lockdown. Breaking curfew is against orders.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's like I don't even know you anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Being a Plumber isn't something you mess around with. If you screw this up, you and I are going to get into it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [to Gwen after they've been captured during a battle drill] You gonna handle these clowns, or should I? [''Gwen takes down the squad''] [''To the fallen squad''] Don't blame yourselves. She's devious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kolar''': You ruined my life!
:'''Magister Hulka''': You ruined it yourself, Kolar! Plumbers got honor. You've got nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You... pushed him into a sun?
:'''Magister Hulka''': I did not. I changed the arrival address to a Null Void penitentiary. Plumbers are law enforcement, not judges. Don't ever forget that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't believe I only scored a 98.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Out of a hundred, Gwen. Try and unclench.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It only takes a 72 to pass which I exceeded. How about you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 95. People think I'm not paying attention, but I am.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': My 98 is starting to look really weak.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is me not paying attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magister Hulka''': To my considerable amazement, you all completed the course. So it's official. You're Plumbers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But we knew that already. So what you really came here for was to thank me for saving your life, didn't you? Go on. It won't hurt.
:'''Magister Hulka''': [''Hulka puts a medal on Ben's chest''] Your shuttle leaves for home in 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. What's this for?
:'''Tack''': [''Reading the medal''] &quot;For demonstration of a Plumber's most essential attribute - the ability to exercise latitude and creativity in problem solving.&quot; Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sounds like a &quot;Thank you&quot; to me.

===It's Not Easy Being Gwen===
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I'm not judging them, but let's face it - polite people don't glow.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I glow.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Not around me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ...So no Tennysons at all? Not even Ben or Grandpa?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Ben's table manners leave a bit to be desired and Grandpa Max dresses like he's on vacation in Vegas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Pulling up his car''] You never called me back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Getting in the car''] No time for lunch. I need to stop at Office Mania then swing by my house. My mom needs something.
:[''Gwen notices Kevin's shirt is torn and gasps'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': I found Animo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben was right about checking pet stores.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did you know that he can get a pass to go off campus anytime he wants?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I didn't even know you could buy frogs at the pet store.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Snake food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just because you don't go to school, I don't want you to go up against Animo without me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You know about that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I was in the Null Void for a long while. By the time I'd got out, I'd kind of outgrown fifth grade.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But I also know how smart you are. There isn't a piece of tech in the whole galaxy you can't strip and rebuild by hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe you could go for a High School Equivalency Degree.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A G.E.D.?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure, I'll find out what you need to do. Help you study.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Always room for another project, huh?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If I wanted to take it easy. I'd go live with my grandpa. I'm not about to let anyone down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Is this about you and Ben?
:'''Emily''': It's not that I hate your cousin.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on! It was one date. How bad could it have been?
:'''Emily''': You left me at the top of a radio tower!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': For you own safety.
:'''Emily''': 200 feet above the ground.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't have fallen - I webbed you to it.
:'''Emily''': (''to Gwen'') You're right. I do hate your cousin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': While the Plumbers held me. I had time to plot my revenge. So I've scaled up my Transmodulator Ray and overclocked it. THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL BE...
:'''Cannonbolt''': My cousin's on a schedule. Can we skip this part and move directly to the terrific beating I'm about to give you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Your father's getting dinner. Kevin called and I asked him and Ben to join us. Help set the table. How was your day, Gwenny?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, you know, the usual.

===Ben 10,000 Returns===
:'''Ben 10,000''': Sure it's all fun and games until someone loses and eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Impressive. In all my years hunting alternative versions of you, I've never met one with your abilities. Still I shouldn't be surprised, considering...
:'''Ben 10,000''': Considering what? Why are you doing this Eon? When we fought before we...
:'''Eon''': THAT WASN'T ME, TENNYSON! And soon it won't have been you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Any last words, Tennyson? I'm collecting them.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I've got two words for you. (''activates Omnitrix'') Ultimate Humungousaur!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello Ben.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Good to see you, Paradox. Love how you don't show up until it's all over.
:'''Professor Paradox''': It's far from over, old friend. It's barely begun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's either an uncatalogued alien, or yet another feature I can't figure out - or it's broken again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Gwen takes down a ninja''] Wow! You learned that in Karate School?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Saw it in an old movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Professor Paradox?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello children.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's your friend?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you...?
:'''Ben 10,000''': That's right Ben, I'm you. Only even more awesome. (''after shaking Ben's hand'') Ben 10,000 at your service.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I've heard about you, you're the jerk from the future.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I'm a different Ben 10,000, but I do remember going to that future back when we were ten. What a buzzkill that guy was!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're my real future?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Yes. If nothing occurs to change it. That's why I've - bent the rules of time and brought you here

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': You traveled into Cross Time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like a parallel world?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Exactly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why the me in the future didn't remember it happening to him.
:'''Ben 10,000 and Kevin Levin''': But you remember all of this.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, don't do that again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben 10,000 saves the Rust Bucket from crashing]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You just landed a spaceship!
:'''Ben 10,000''': From the ''outside''. Don't forget the cool part.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How do you do that without transforming?
:'''Ben 10,000''': I haven't bothered to for years. Not since I discovered my best transformation.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ultimate Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What power comes with that?
:'''Ben 10,000''': Pretty much all of them. You'll figure it out someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': There are rules, Kevin. I cannot interfer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Excuse me. But aren't you already interfering?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Touche... Actually I've just come to give young Ben a warning. But that can wait.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Until what?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Until I see if you survive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when discovering that Eon's servants are versions of him'') This raises some questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like where did you learn Nin-Jitsu?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Tennyson, prepare to die.
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': Maybe later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': How about you explain yourself? Why attack me over and over?
:'''Eon''': Our paths are intertwined. In this and every other timeline.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': I won't allow that Eon!
:'''Eon''': You cannot interfere, timewalker. And you why.
:'''Professor Paradox''': True. But if you dare procede there is nowhere in all of space and time you can hide from me.
:'''Eon''': I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Now I have a couple of Ben Tennysons to absorb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben 10,000''': There you go. I've just unlocked everything you've ever become up until now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? Thanks.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I also threw in a few new ones because it'll annoy Azmuth when he finds out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Time to go. But first a warning to my young friend. [''In an ominous voice''] Beware old George. Beware the creature from beyond. [''Cheerfully''] So long.

===Moonstruck===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Trying to fit the equipment into the Rust Bucket]'' How did you fit all this stuff in here?
:''' Grandpa Max''': Gradually, I haven't done spring cleaning in the Rustbucket since I got her. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Except for when I blew it up…which I probably shouldn't mention. 
:'''Grandpa Max''': Just help carry the boxes outside and stack them up. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[unable to lift the box]'' Ehhh… Heavy! 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not if you take them one at a time. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've got a better idea ''[activates Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Fourarms''': FOURARMS! 
:'''Kevin, Gwen and Max''': Ben! 
:'''Grandpa Max''': You're too big to be in here! 
:'''Fourarms''': No, I'm not!
:''[sounds of glass breaking]''
:'''Grandpa Max''': Ben!
:'''Fourarms''': Sorry, sorry. I'm going. ''[gets stuck in the door and is kicked out by Kevin]'' Thanks a lot, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you have a woman's bracelet?
:'''Grandpa Max''': It's not exactly jewelry, Gwen. It belonged to your grandmother. Long story. [''the team sits down. Max sighs''] I was about Kevin's age. A rookie with the Tactical Air Command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel''': You think the laws of physics don't apply to you, Tennyson?! F-104s are rated for Mach 2. You were pushing Mach 3! Do you know what happens when an F-104 goes that fast?! [''They both look at the burning wreckage of Max's jet''] IT FALLS APART!
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Sir, if you'd give me a chance to ex--
:'''Colonel''': No! No more chances! No more excuses! You are through! I am kicking your butt off this base and out of the Air Force!
:'''Major General''': Excuse me, Colonel. I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': So, do you know why President Kennedy wants to send us to the moon?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Because of the Russians?
:'''Major General''': No. Because of the kind of thing you saw today. I don't know what you tangled with, but I do know it was real. Of course, officially, we deny everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': On the other hand, you've been cited repeatedly for insubordination.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Only when my Commanding Officers were wrong... sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': How's your chili?
:'''Florence''': Pretty bad.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': That's my favorite kind. I'll take a double order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The pickings are looking pretty slim in here.
:'''Young Verdona''': [''Approaching Max''] I'm gonna try and not take that personally.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': ...Hello. Present company accepted, of course.
:'''Florence''': I'll let you two get acquainted. [''Florence leaves'']
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm Max.
:'''Young Verdona''': Verdona.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Fine. What you said before was correct. I'm not from around here. I'm from another planet. And that man chasing me isn't a man at all. He's actually from a race of sentient robots called &quot;Synthroids.&quot;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Oh. Why didn't you say so?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Well, I have certain... how shall I put this?... Abilities.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': So why don't you use them?
:'''Young Verdona''': I can't. The Synthroid put this on my arm. [''Verdona shows Max a bracelet''] It locked me in this form and neutralizes most of my powers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Then you can tell when the robot's getting close.
:'''Young Verdona''': Telepathy only works with living beings. The Synthroid is a machine. But I did read your mind.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': In the diner? It wouldn't take superpowers to tell what I was thinking, doll.
:'''Young Verdona''': Not then. When you were chasing us in your fighter jet.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You were in the UFO?
:'''Young Verdona''': A captive. Then you shot it down, and I escaped. But I knew that I had to find you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Synthroid''': What is one life compared to the survival of my species?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The way I see it, any life is precious. But you wouldn't understand that because you're really alive, are you? Anyway, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': And... this is what you really look like?
:'''Young Verdona''': Does my true form displease you?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': No. On you it's a good look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Why settle for the moon when I can give you the stars?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You can't give me what I want. I have to take it. It wouldn't be the same if I didn't do it myself. Do you understand?
:'''Young Verdona''': You are a stubborn man, Max Tennyson.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I always say, it's a sin to waste talent.
:'''Young Verdona''': I won't argue. Because I know I can't convince you. But I promise - we will meet again.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm counting on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''snores, but then is punched by Ben'') What'd I miss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': [''Holding on to Verdona's bracelet and looking to the stars''] Good night, Verdona. Wherever you are.

===Prisoner #775 Is Missing===
:(''Ben turns into Swampfire'') 
:'''Swampfire''': Swampfire! (''lights a campfire'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, that's overkill.
:'''Swampfire''': No. It's Swampfire. I don't have an alien named &quot;Overkill&quot;. 'Cause if I did, I'd, you know, shout: &quot;Overkill!&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's with the shouting names thing anyway?
:'''Swampfire''': It strikes fear into my enemies.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ...You go right on believing that, bud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Well, it's local business. The first step should be for the Air Force to send in their own investigators.
:'''Cooper Daniels''': They did. But whatever they learned, we'll never find out from them, Magister Tennyson. Nobody knows techology like I do, and I've never seen anything like it.
:'''Grandpa Max''': All right, Cooper, I'll be right there. [''Gwen clears her throat''] We'll be right there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Plumbers really need to upgrade their rides, I mean look at this thing! No power, lousy security system.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You want one, don't you?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe for your birthday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Perhaps you could enlighten us, Colonel.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Sorry Max. It's above your paygrade.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then my grandfather gets a raise right now or we walk!
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You're gonna let him talk to me like that, Max?
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'll let him know when he says something I disagree with... Okay, then.
:[''Everyone turns to leave'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You haven't said much.
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'm trying not to throttle you. This holding facility of yours is nothing but a prison. Earth is a level 2 world. And a privisonary signatory of the Kelly-Casey Accords. You have no rights...
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Rights? Don't talk to me about rights with all the alien terrorists you fought. You know the dangers they present. You should be thanking me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Big Chill'') 
:'''Big Chill''': Big Chill! (''he passes through the floor'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Cooper'') When he shouted his name just then, did it strike fear into you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not now, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Time for Humungousaur! ''[Transforms into Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!! FINE, RATH'S BETTER ANYWAY!! HEY, HEY, LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', MR. ALIEN PRISONER!! NOBODY GOES UNLESS RATH SAYS THEY CAN GO!! BECAUSE RATH GOES BEFORE EVERYBODY!! SO DON'T GO, YO!!!''''' ''[Jumps and holds on to the ship]'' '''''AAAH!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP?!! 'CAUSE RATH'S GOT TONS MORE!! IN FACT, I'VE GOTTA GIVE YOU SOME OF MINE, SO IT'LL BE A FAIR FIGHT!! AND AFTER THAT, EVERYTHING I GAVE YOU I CAN TAKE IT BACK AGAIN!! AND MAKE YOU LIKE IT!! '''''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looks at Rath]''  You know, Rath is the only alien that makes me wanna get a box of popcorn, kick back and just watch.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, this isn't the time for- Okay, me too.
:'''Rath''': '''''AAAH!! GIVE UP, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP!! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FORM RATH!! YAAH!!''''' ''[Extends his claw, starts tearing the ship apart. The ship begins to crash]'' '''''CRASHING'S GOOD TOO!! RATH CAN CRASH ALL DAY!!''''' ''[The part of the ship Raths holds on to tears off, Rath falls down]'' '''''OH, NOW YOU'RE USING GRAVITY!! WELL FORGET IT!! GIVE UP, GRAVITY!! YOU CAN'T BEAT RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH...!!''''' ''[Slams into the ground]''
:''[Gwen and Kevin approach the Rath-shaped hole]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Ben, are you all right?
:'''Rath''': ''[Crawls out of the hole, breathes heavily and shakes his head]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', STUPID RATH-SIZED HOLE!! RATH WILL DESTROY YOU!!''''' ''[Starts stomping the ground]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh for crying out loud! Ben!
:'''Rath''': (''Pauses, then kicks dust at the hole'') What? (''Gwen gives him a stern look'') Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben helps an officer get up and sit'')
:'''Officer''': Ben... Tennyson... My daughter's nuts about you...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? She's cute?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's fail-safe - in case a plumber's ship is crashed and then abandoned. I'm on it. Don't worry.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Plumber override. [''Kevin uses his badge to override the fail-safe''] I said &quot;don't worry.&quot; [''the fail-safe starts up again''] Now you can worry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben tries to transform]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Goop? ''[Transforms into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Hah! Finally! Okay, no one has to get hurt. ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a car towards him, it slams into Humungousaur's leg]'' Wow, a little car. ''[Slams it away]''  You'll have to do better than-  ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a truck towards him.]'' Oh, truck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Leave me be! I intend to balance the scales!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You wanna balance scales? Go on a diet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': I no longer have a home. While I rotted away in your prison, the revolution was lost! My mate, my children - gone - all gone. This is nothing left to live for.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's always something to live fore. You could even the score.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Absolutely. You could seek justice.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Justice? Yes. Those who wronged me should die - beginning with Colonel Rozum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Remember, this guy could be totally innocent of everything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He stole a ship. He's no &quot;innocent&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You really wanna stack your rap sheet against his, Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just sayin'...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben transforms into Wildmutt]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[deep voice]'' Wildmutt! ''[Wildmutt and Kevin look at her]'' What? He can't talk! Somebody had to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': You're going to live Rozum. Just long enough to see what it's like to lose your family.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': They have nothing to do with this.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Neither did mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Lease your overgrown pet! He's no match for me!
:''[Wildmutt slams his Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Ultimate Wildmutt!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was gonna do that for you!
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Tell you what, you can clean up what's left of him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Do it. Finish me. Come on! Let me join my family. Do it. Do it!... PLEASE do it! Please finish me. I've got... nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': DNA scanned and recognized. Merlinisapiens. Unlocked and available on Playlist 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey guys! Check it out! (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Overkill! Well? Well?
:(''Gwen and Kevin walk away'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Too soon?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': You still don't get it, Colonel. Earth's in violation of Interstellar law. You don't seem to realize the enormity of what you've done.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': I realize it fine, Max. And under the same circumstances, I'd do the *exact* same thing. When it comes to choosing between a few hundred aliens and my country, it's a no-brainer.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
[[Category:Ben 10]]</text>
      <sha1>8ixoqvh95xjcaccoqvvxo7ia74gna3z</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153252</id>
      <parentid>3153251</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:56:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Girl Trouble */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="60882" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the second season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.

==Episodes 21-32)==
===The Transmogrification Of Eunice===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You guys act like a couple of ten-year olds!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ten year olds can't drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''over the communicator'') Neither can you, grandma!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wanna make this interesting? Last one to the campsite has to do the cooking.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're on, I want pancakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sensing Eunice'') I don't sense any injuries.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, she looks pretty healthy to me too. (''Gwen elbows him'') Ow! What? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': I'm fun even if I don't have memory?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It'll come back. Don't force it. Anyway you're more fun than Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm right here, dude. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': You're not very good at flirting.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How would you know? You have total memory loss.
:'''Eunice''': True, but I wasn't born yesterday. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. I won't happen again.
:'''Eunice''': I said it was awful. I didn't say stop.  	

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie broke up with me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. She said you might as well be broken up.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Same difference.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Two to one majority. Don't wait up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') You're treating her like a fifth wheel. Wasn't that long ago I was the one trying to fit with you and your cousin. So be nice. (''Gwen stares at him'') What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sometimes you make sense.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is going to be fu-u-un!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A minute ago you were trying to get out of camping and now it's gonna be fun? Are you working some sort of angle?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen, I know it's important to you that we all spend some &quot;quality time together,&quot; I want what you want.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If you're working some sort of angle, so help me, I'm gonna hurt you.
:(''Kevin sniggers'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eunice''': [''about a rabbit''] Want to pet him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Does it bite?
:'''Eunice''': No. I'm pretty sure that bear you were going to fight for me does though.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's different.
:'''Eunice''': If you want to be scared of the bunny, I won't judge. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where's Eunice?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man, you cannot keep a girlfriend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come here often?
:'''Eunice''': You've all been so nice to me. And now I've brought you into this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What is &quot;this&quot;? What does Sunder want from you?
:'''Eunice''': I honestly don't know. I've been trying to remember but I can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe something from your ship?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Could be. When we found you, I'm pretty sure you weren't carrying anything.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sternly'') Kevin.
 	
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sunder.
:'''Sunder''': Tennyson. If I'd known it was you, there wouldn't have been a warning shot.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess that's where you made your first mistake. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You want to know who you are? I can tell you. I can even take you home.
:'''Eunice''': You can?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': EUNICE! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
:'''Sunder''': Don't you want to know who you are - or rather - what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': You really thought you could beat me?
:'''Ultimate Cannonbolt''': Well, yes.
:'''Sunder''': Last mistake you'll ever make.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He'll make plenty more mistakes! ...That didn't come out right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunder''': Never did get even with you for sending me to the Null Void.
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': &quot;Get even&quot;? You cut my hand off!
:'''Sunder''': Stop whining. You got it back! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Azmuth sees Ultimate Cannonbolt, Gwen, Kevin and Eunice struggling with Sunder in mud]''
:'''Azmuth''': Wallowing in the mud. Why am I not surprised?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You can't store a human being!
:'''Azmuth''': She's not human. She's a construct. No more alive than any of you transformations. She's not real.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you to say that?! My transformations are real and she's ''way'' more human than you are!
:'''Azmuth''': The Unitrix is dangerous. I cannot let her roam around unsupervised. I'm sorry, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[threatened with anger]'' I'll fight you, Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': ''[smiles]'' I believe you would.

===Eye of the Beholder===
:'''Humungousaur''': You said we should see each other. Sounds simple to me.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I said &quot;Considering how little time you have for me, we might as well be broken up.&quot;
:'''Humungousaur''': That is not my fault! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Humungousaur has just agilely jumped on the back of a Forever Knights robot]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I know, I'm nimble for a big guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I told you it was the Forever Knights.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't see how these things fit into the whole King Arthur theme.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe they're supposed to be horses?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Anyway, I thought they broke up last year.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't think so.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll ask them about it, after we kick their cans!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Smooth move Romeo. You sure showed her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Showed her what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You don't know either, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Voice-over, while the aftermath of his battle with the Forever Knights is shown]'' So I let her go, I guess I shouldn't have. But I still have Forever Knights to thrash! And after that, there's always the press... But, you know, they're &quot;ditchable&quot;,...kind of. You don't have to do their interviews, but they still thrash you on their stupid cable-shows. I guess there's no way to escape the things that really matter. Like Julie... ''[Voice-over ends, Ben is seen lying down on a bed]'' She says that I don't spend enough time with her, that I take her for granted. ''[angry]'' But I can't just drop everything whenever I want! I have responsibilities! I'm a famous superhero! ''[Camera zooms out to reveal Jimmy sitting next to Ben, eating peanuts]''
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I see. Peanuts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it. We're glad to help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Besides we are all up to here with Ben. I mean if he says &quot;I saved the whole entire universe&quot; one more time, I'm gonna go psycho!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Again?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's just an expression.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And yet I still feel the need to check.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Look, I told you I thought this place was just an old ruin.
:'''Strabismus''': This is our most revered place!
:'''Baz-El''': Yes, well you don't take very good care of it, do you? From the looks of it, I assumed you were all extinct.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Strabismus''': Blasphemer! Don't you realize that by destroying the altar, you've awakened the sentinels?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I who'd the what now? [''the sentinels start moving''] Aw man! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is ridiculous. (''stumbles on the terrain'') Whoa! I flew halfway across the galaxy just so Julie can tell me to buzz off again? I don't deserve this. I'm a world famous hero!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're a world famous jerk!! Woah! (''absorbs the ground and creates cleats for his shoes'') That's better. And if you weren't such a jerk, maybe she wouldn't have dumped you in the first place!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, and now ''you're'' the expert on feelings?
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, I'm an expert on jerks!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know I don't have to take that from--Yah! (''slips, Kevin smiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Alien''': Stop, you imbecile!
:'''Brainstorm''': &quot;Imbecile&quot;? I dare say I have greater intellectual capacity in my left claw than you have in your entire species!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Is he going to-
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Shhhhh! I need to concentrate. My magic doesn't work well on technology. (''hears Kevin chewing'') What are you doing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Eating.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I heard.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's a fleen cake, want some?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Julie's fighting''] Need any help? [''Julie keeps fighting''] Okay then... so you... keep doing... you know that... And I'll go... help Baz-El.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I appreciate this.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't worry about it, we're glad to help.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': Ero... when I can... I collect a few... souvenirs for profit. I call it my retirement plan. So shoot me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I might've been kidding. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': [''after Baz-El belches''] What is your problem?
:'''Baz-El''': I... have a very delicate stomach which does not respond well to stress or impending doom. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baz-El''': (''mocking Julie'') Oh, he's a cannon! Now, he's a battle cruiser! Good boy, Ship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'll it be Ship? Go with Baz-El so he can make a few bucks selling you or stay with Julie, who really cares about...
:'''Ship''': JULIE! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I know I'm a jerk sometimes-
:'''Gwen &amp; Kevin''': &quot;Sometimes&quot;?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angry]'' I got this! '' But... you're the only person in my life, ''[Looks at Gwen and Kevin]'' besides ''them'', who isn't impressed by all that other stuff. You know the real me, faults and all and that's okay with you. Kinda..
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': &quot;Kinda.&quot; You promise you'll do better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''with a nervous smile'') I promise I'll try.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''smiling'') Then I'll try too.

===Vicktor: The Spoils===
:'''King Xarion''': Did you truly think that anything occurs within these walls without my knowledge? Show it to me!
:'''Prince Gyla''': It is magnificent father. And once we resurrect Dr. Viktor, no power on earth can stand against our might!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyla''': All of our enemies will bow down before me - before you.
:'''King Xarion''': You will be king someday, my son. But before that day comes - you have much to learn.
:'''Prince Gyla''': You speak like a diplomat. If it wasn't for your weakness, mother would still be alive!
:'''King Xarion''': How dare you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo! I was going for Jetray but whatever. (''Blows the missiles up but keeps falling'') Oh no! (''Goes Ultimate'')
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (''Blows up the rest of the missiles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you need a teleporter for?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Lets see. Breaking into bad guy's headquarters, escaping from bad guy's traps, uhh... saving money on spaceship fuel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': okay, point taken. But Gwen can teleport us with her &quot;magic&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It makes her tired.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It does not!
:'''Kevin Levin''': And cranky... (''smiles'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You make me cranky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A small but strategically important monarchy. They're in the middle of a civil war.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No problem. Ben can take care of that over the weekend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I learned my lesson the last time. This time we've got a more focused mission.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your son's the guy trying to take over? I thought it was the rebels.
:'''King Xarion''': The list of those who would have this throne is long, but the prince is the only one I fear.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me, that kid needs a serious time out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just once, I'd like to sneak in and out of a place without getting into a fight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod...
:'''Big Chill''': Oh give it a rest, will ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Doctor Viktor.
:'''Big Chill''': Or what's left of him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I wonder what did this to him. (''Gwen and Big Chill stare at Kevin'') When I dumped him in the Null Void he was still alive. Seriously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince Gyula''': (''about Dr. Viktor'') He's an empty shell, existing only to do my bidding. (''activates remote'') Destroy them!
:'''Big Chill''': How'd I know he was gonna say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''after freeing the King''] Wait you can't leave us here.
:'''King Xarion''': Once you hear what I've done, you'll thank me for leaving you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''after Gwen puts a shield around Ben''] Thanks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hadn't really thought it through, had you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I prefer to say I trusted in your initiative.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Viktor''': Another tank? Bring a hundred!
:'''Heatblast''': I'm fresh out of tanks, your Highney! But I am bringing the heat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is for shooting me in the back and for making me miss out on a sweet pre-owned teleporter pod!
:'''Heatblast''': Will you punch him already?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Never thought I'd say this, but this guy make me nostalgic for the old Dr. Viktor. Think you can get the Rustbucket airborne?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If he can't, I will.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we had a teleporter pod, it wouldn't be a problem.

===The Big Story===
:(''Sevenseven tries to slash Gwen but is stopped by Rath'')
:'''Rath''': You did not just do that! Let me tell you something, Sevenseven, intergalactic bounty hunter for hire- (''Sevenseven twists his arm around and pushes Rath away'') Ooh! Karate! I'm gonna call you karate man! Can I call you karate man, karate man? Tell you what, karate man! I'll hold real still, like a stack of boards, and you can meditate till your ready to chop me in half! Okay! (''Sevenseven pauses, then slashes at Rath, then Rath grabs Sevenseven'') I lied! You know what's the difference between me and a pile of boards? Boards don't hit back! (''Rath throws Sevenseven into a control panel'') Now... I'm mad. (''Rath cracks knuckles'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I had video but I think the plant must've taken it when it retreated into the cave. I'd figured you'd want to, uh, check my work.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I have studying to do, Jimmy. Maybe next conspiracy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ...Okay, okay, I'll check it out. My car's still in the shop. Think you could give us a ride. (''Kevin and Gwen drive off'')
:'''Jimmy Jones''': I can't believe you don't have a bus pass. That should be Plumber standard issue.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll make a note.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to the alien plant'') Your will is my command.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Gasps'') Ben's in on it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Now you're saying Ben is part of the conspiracy? This is a shadowy blob. No credible person would ever take this as real proof.
:'''Will Harangue''': (''Cut to TV studio'') Welcome back to the Will Harangue Nation. Our guest today - Jimmy Jones. The 10 year old Jimmy, the boy who exposed Ben Tennyson for the menace that he is.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Uh that-that's not exactly...
:'''Will Harangue''': Don't talk over me, Jimmy. Now Jimmy has a new equally startling claim. Ben Tennyson is leading and alien invasion to take over the entire Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': You can't hide from me, Jimmy. I only want to take you out for a smoothie - not crush you into a fine powder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Plant Humungousaur''': I want to give you an exclusive. A real reporter would risk everything to get to the truth.
:'''Jimmy Jones''': A real reporter follows his hunches. And I have a hunch I wouldn't live to post my story.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay, we checked out the cave, Jimmy. We know. Where are you?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': North side Sav Cost. You can't miss me. I'm the kid on a red bike WITH AN ALIEN CHASING HIM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would be happy to silence this creature for once and for all.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The master wants to know why it couldn't absorb him earlier.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': If there are others with his natural resistance, we need to know how it works.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': So I can take him out after, right?
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''sees the real Ben, Gwen and Kevin inside the pods'') You're not Ben at all - or Gwen and Kevin!
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': No, we're perfect copies, right down to our DNA.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': But better than the originals, which were lame.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': We're in complete harmony.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Soon there will be no war.
:'''Plant Gwen Tennyson''': No disease. No hunger.
:'''Plant Kevin Levin''': No fun.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': The world will be a garden. And everything will be a garden.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They don't have our powers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But my double has the Ultimatrix.
:'''Plant Ben Tennyson''': Yes, I do.
:[''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Plant Chromastone''': Chromastone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, you've got to get the Ultimatrix back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'll work on that when I'm not getting shot at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Caesar later, alligator. Like Caesar salad. Cause they're plants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': One against four. Well, it's clearly not a chicken salad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, stop. I can't let a battle pun be the last thing I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Jones''': (''Groan'') I didn't video any of this. Stupid! Who's going to believe me now?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We will. Jimmy, you're a real reporter.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, from now on, we'll know to take you seriously.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No matter how nutty you sound. &quot;Nutty,&quot; see what I did there?
:(''Ben and Jimmy laugh'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? Why is it funny when he does it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think it's the delivery.

===Girl Trouble===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin! Can't you drive any faster?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Is that supposed to be a trick question?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': It's already settled, Gwen. Your cousin Sunny is staying with us for the summer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What are you complaining about? You used to love playing with her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were 3 years old. I don't even really remember her.
:'''Sunny''': ''[settling down on the couch between Ben and Kevin]'' Hello, boys. I'm Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We heard.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hi. I'm your cousin Ben.
:'''Sunny''': Well, that's boring. [''to Kevin''] You got a name muscles?
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''blushes'') Kevin.
:'''Sunny''': What do you do around her for fun, Kevin?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He hangs out with his girlfriend - Gwen.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is a really bad idea.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I didn't ask for your approval, Gwendolyn. Your cousin's taken up with a bad crowd, so her parents asked us to keep her here for the summer. They think you'll be a good influence on her.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I wish everybody would stop saying that about me.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': With that attitude of yours, they'll stop soon enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': (''to Kevin'') Muscles, do you say romantic things to Gwen?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh! One time, he stared deep into her eyes, and she said: &quot;what?&quot;, and he said: &quot;You've got an eye booger.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''Chuckling''] No point in saying anything romantic to Gwen anyway. She's a boring goody-goody who never does anything fun, right? I'm right, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well once my cousin was annoying and I kicked her out of the car, and she had to walk home. That was fun.
:'''Sunny''': Are you telling me to-?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': GET OUT OF THE CAR!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's a relief. For a second there, I thought she was talking to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] She's pretty powerful. How come you can't do that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because SHUT UP!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Haven't looked at it like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': [''to Kevin''] What do you see in her, muscles? She's so goody-goody. I mean wouldn't you have more fun with a wild girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm right here, Sunny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about Sunny''] Your cousin would make a great member of the...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Absolutely not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': Face it, cuz. You're outclassed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like you know anything about class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''as Gwen is trying to restrain Sunny''] This is a personal matter between Gwen and Sunny.
:'''Kevin Levin''': We should respect their privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Ben and Kevin start to leave. Gwen yells at them''] Get back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lodestar''': Lodestar!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You sure turning into a magnets is the best move in a particle accelerator?
:'''Lodestar''': Beats me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sunny''': I'm not going anywhere. My parents won't let me do anything. They only sent me to this awful planet to keep me and Antonio apart. But I just figured something out. [''Sunny sheds her skin revealing her Anodite form''] Nobody on this planet can make me do anything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious, Sunny. You've had your fun. It's time to go home.
:'''Sunny''': MAKE ME!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I hoped I wouldn't have to. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you leave me no choice... I'm telling your mom and dad.
:'''Sunny''': NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking Gwen'') &quot;Kevin, shut down the particle accelerator! Kevin, disarm the fusion bomb!&quot; (''in his normal voice'') If this thing blows up, I'm never speaking to those guys again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Antonio''': Did she hurt you, Sunny? I thump her good!
:'''Humungosaur''': Humongosaur! [''Humungosaur attack Antonio''] Nobody picks on Gwen but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, can you shut down the accelerator?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know, you need like a PhD to use one of these things.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Figure it out!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. Nope. Nope. Aw, just forget it. (hits control panel and particle accelerator shuts down) Huh what do you know?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm not as powerful as you are. I'll give you that. ''[Sunny laughs]'' But Grandma Verdona on the other hand…
:'''Sunny''': ''[turns around to see Grandma Verdona appearing in sight]'' Grandma? No! I'm not going back! You can't make me!
:'''Verdona''': Oh, do be quiet. I am so cross with you right now. ''[traps Sunny in a force field]'' How an energy being ended up being such a spoiled brat is beyond me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Entering''] Bomb's disarmed. Hi scary grandma.
:'''Verdona''': Never lose your moxie, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure thing. [''to Ben''] What's moxie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your family is weird.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Scoffs''] All families are weird.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh huh. Your cousin left her skin on the floor of the particle accelerator.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's kind of a sliding scale.

===Revenge of the Swarm===
:''Note'': This episode is set one year after the live-action ''[[w:Ben 10: Alien Swarm|Alien Swarm]]'' movie.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Victor Validus''': Did you think you could get rid of us that easily?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[wakes up and comes face-to-face with him]'' Validus! What do you want?
:'''Victor Validus''': This isn't about the microchips, or even the queen and her hive. We understand ''why'' you did that to us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then, what…?
:'''Victor Validus''': We're here because of what you wanted to do to Elena!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I-I don't understand!
:'''Victor Validus''': Don't lie to me, Ben! A father can tell. ''[releases his tentacles to grab Ben]''
:''[Ben activates his Ultimatrix and turns into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! ''[camera zooms out, revealing he's very small]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs and slides under the pillow; Validus' tentacle picks him up]'' Validus, please! I never wanted to hurt Elena.
:'''Victor Validus''': We didn't say you wanted to hurt her. ''[turns into a swirl and Humungousaur is thrown into nothingness]''
:''[Ben wakes up, realizing it was only just a dream]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Mr. Smoothy; Ben talks to Gwen and Kevin about his dream of his encounter with Validus]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I must've seen his shadow on the curtain, and that's what made me dream about him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You ask me. The whole thing was a dream.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I liked the part where Humungosaur was really small. I was reading about how dreams reveal what we're really afraid of.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It was not a dream! Well, the part... about being little was but...
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep telling yourself that, bud.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, Victor Validus was cured a long time ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And those alien microchips that were controlling him all got flushed when you killed the queen and her hive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? Then what's ''this?'' ''[shows them a microchip]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben and his team arrive at Plumbers' Academy talking to one of the Galvin teachers about Elena's whereabouts]''
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Where was I? Oh, yes -- Elena. One of our best students, she would've made an excellent plumber, someday.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she say why she was leaving?
:'''Galvin Teacher''': Lead with the left, Drax. The left. Elena was shattered by her father's death as you might imagined. She couldn't concentrate on school.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe she'll be back when she gets over it.
:'''Galvin Teacher''': I don't think so. When her father passed, she went back to Earth and took over his research on the alien microchips. No one alive knows more about them than she does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why I'm trying to find her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Imitating Ben''] &quot;That's why I'm trying to find her.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It ''is'' why.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Admit it. You just wanna see her again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Elena and I - we're just friends. That's all.
:''[The trio arrive at Elena's lab back on Earth]''
:'''Elena Validus''': ''[opens the door; surprised]'' Ben Tennyson! ''[hugs Ben]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Just friends.&quot;
:'''Elena Validus''': Come in. Let me show you around. ''[escorts Ben inside as Gwen and Kevin follow]'' Most of this came from my father's lab, the rest I built myself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[amazed]'' Incredible -- really incredible.
:'''Elena Validus''': My dad set the bar pretty high.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Elena, are you sure you should be doing this?
:'''Elena Validus''': What? Studying the alien microchips? How could I not?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know how dangerous they are. They can reproduce themselves, take over living bodies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Elena Validus''': Ben, I'd like to help. But what I'm doing here, it's just too important... Maybe you could help me. This could change the whole world, you know?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''about the nanites''] These could change the whole world too- but not in a good way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben's gotta help us find where they came from. He doesn't have time to be a lab rat. Right Ben? [''Ben doesn't respond''] BEN?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, right… right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben's house; Ben is doing his homework when he hears a doorbell ringing. He opens the door to see Julie standing at the doorway.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, Julie.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I was just passing by. But if you're busy or something&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Doing homework if you can believe it. Come on in.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You look kind of upset.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's this problem I'm working on.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Calculus?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wish. Then I could just con you into doing it for me. It's like the answer's right in front of me, but I can't see it.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What is the problem exactly? A case?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Microchips. I'll show you.
:''[Ben takes his jacket from the couch, but realizes that the microchip is gone.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What's the matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin has it.
:''[Ben runs out the door, but stops and turns to Julie.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You know, it feels like I'm&amp;ndash; always running off somewhere, doesn't it?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It's starting to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we get together tomorrow night, for sure?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Smiles]'' I'd like that.
:''[Ben runs off, with Julie looking on.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you see the face Elena made when Ben mentioned Julie?
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's just the way girls are. You've gotta take advantage, play one against the other. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' At least, that's what my friends say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Which friends?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ones I don't see anymore? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena and Ben.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': They're interested in each other. Anybody can see that… But she's going to be a problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Elena's the type who makes guys think she cares about them. But once they start to care about her, poof! She's gone. I've seen the type before, lots'a times. ''[Gwen glares at him]'' I mean, I've heard about them, from friends. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': Who are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're just looking for Validus. We don't want to hurt you.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Speak for yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I am Janitor, Idiot Boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then how do you explain… (''shows wig'') This!
:'''Egor''': For hiding. (''puts wig on'') When hair started to fall out, that's how I explain. (''stares Kevin's hair'') Maybe you need one some day too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Doesn't seem a little coincidental that Validus would suddenly drop dead after everything that happened?
:'''Egor''': Anyone can die - anytime - even you, smart guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Egor''': I do know nothing. All I do is clean up Victor's Lab, and then help crazy daughter move equipment.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait a minute, why do you think Elena is crazy?
:'''Egor''': Way she talks, saying &quot;we&quot; or &quot;us&quot; when it's just her. What does she thinks she is? Queen of England?
:(''walks away'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, not the queen of England, the Nanite Queen.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I thought the queen was dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Long live the queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as Ben is being attacked by nanites''] Is this what you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': It… must be.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': NO! Whatever's left of Elena couldn't want this!
:'''Elena Validus''': Julie… we can't stop.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Then you never really cared about Ben!
:'''Elena Validus''': We did. I did!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Isn't there some part of you left, the real you, that cares enough to stop this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ben runs to the force field entrance]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Devastated]'' Oh, no.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That ''wasn't'' Elena. The nanites got her a long time ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're wrong. There was enough of my friend left to save my life. Goodbye, Elena.

===The Creature From Beyond===
:''Note'': Gwen casts nonverbal magic spells in this episode.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not driving us down?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gravel will chip my paint.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're setting the hero bar kind of low tonight.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you to take Ben's car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': [Aiming his weapon at Ben] Right, nobody move - or the changeling suffers. [''to Ben''] Raise your hands above your head.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If you say so. [''Ben raises his hands and activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungo... [''Humungousaur bumps his head on the ceiling''] Ow!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Stay back!
:'''Humungousaur''': Hey! It's the middle of the night. I just hit my head and you are really annoying me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was so rude!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Me? Rude? To who? Squire Wiffle?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I can't bother to remember, he's not important enough.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Mhmm... jealous?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Of What? His dumb name, his dumb accent or his dumb dress?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a tunic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''to the creature''] I haven't beaten anybody up in about 20 minutes. If you don't let go of that Policeman right now, that's gonna change!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Listen Gwen I can't... I mean we can't afford to lose you... the team, you know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, I... umm... (''to Ben'') Help me out here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': They've changed direction. And they haven't found the tracking device in Winston's ruck sack. First we kill the beast, then our truce with Ben Tennyson comes to an end - as does his life. I swear in the name of the First Knight - victory will be ours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''':  Guess we'd better let the Knights know where we are.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seriously? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, I did say I would. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, but you didn't say when.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Good point. We'll call them after it's all over.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You two should be in politics. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Armodrillo''': ''[to the Lucubra's zombified victims]'' Come on people, back off! We don't wanna hurt you!
:'''Kevin Levin''': To be honest, I am considering it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I felt a ripple in the mana. I thought we should check it out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think I felt a ripple back in my room. You guys take the mana, and I'll investigate my bed. (''Gwen glares at him'') Fine. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After being saved by Goop'') (''to Gwen'') You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course she's not okay! She's not complaining on how disgusting Goop is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am done with waiting!
:[''Starts to enter the building'']
:'''Sir Cyrus''': So are we. [''Gwen stops''] Let them weaken the creature, then we can attack in force.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to help my friends!
:'''Sir Cyrus''': You'll have to go through us first.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was hoping you'd say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Hold fire!
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;[holding up an unconscious knight]&quot; Hey, wake up and stop fighting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''After Winston is freed'') Well, hooray for you. Now go buy yourself a cookie.
:'''Winston''': We call them biscuits.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Cyrus''': Squire Winston, step away from the alien scum!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think he's talking about us.
:'''Kevin Levin''': After all we've meant to each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''While Gwen was watching Winston leaving'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''To Gwen'') Ok... he's cute... I get it.

===Basic Training===
:'''Kevin Levin''': That doesn't look like a metal.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[reading the message]'' &quot;Because you received your Plumber commodations during a field engagement, your required training is incomplete. Please report to academy 2814 for field certification courses.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. We have to go to school?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is the Plumber Academy gonna teach us? It's not like we haven't saved the whole entire universe already.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Give it a rest, Tennyson. If this is what it takes to keep our badges, then this is what we'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is awesome! Look at the classes we get to take: Weapons and Tactics, Interstellar Law, Cultural Sensitivity.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Started strong, but then you lost me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': …Starship Maintenance. (''Kevin smiles'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you got him right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brannigan''': There's been a Null Void breakout. So Magister Hulka wants all new recruits in their bunks and accounted for. You don't want to make him ''and'' me mad on the same day. Do we understand each other, larval dipteroid?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oooh. Big mistake.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Brannigan, you just bought yourself a nose full of Humungousaur!
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''keeps Ben from activating the Ultimatrix''] We're going Tennyson. You're not getting us thrown out of here on the first day.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. You're holding me back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tack''': He saved us. You are the greatest Plumber of all!
:'''Magister Hulka''': He's a larval dipteroid! He disobeyed orders!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I was supposed to let the grenade get you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': You were supposed to do what I tell you! You'd know that if you were ever listening in class.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? The magna-lock went bad and it was set on overload instead of stun. Gwen's right.
:'''Magister Hulka''': Go back to your barracks.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Someone's out to get you, sir, aren't they? Or you wouldn't let Tack be out of your sight, would you?
:'''Magister Hulka''': Mind... your own... business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whole place is on lockdown. Breaking curfew is against orders.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's like I don't even know you anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Being a Plumber isn't something you mess around with. If you screw this up, you and I are going to get into it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [to Gwen after they've been captured during a battle drill] You gonna handle these clowns, or should I? [''Gwen takes down the squad''] [''To the fallen squad''] Don't blame yourselves. She's devious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kolar''': You ruined my life!
:'''Magister Hulka''': You ruined it yourself, Kolar! Plumbers got honor. You've got nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You... pushed him into a sun?
:'''Magister Hulka''': I did not. I changed the arrival address to a Null Void penitentiary. Plumbers are law enforcement, not judges. Don't ever forget that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't believe I only scored a 98.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Out of a hundred, Gwen. Try and unclench.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It only takes a 72 to pass which I exceeded. How about you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 95. People think I'm not paying attention, but I am.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': My 98 is starting to look really weak.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is me not paying attention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Magister Hulka''': To my considerable amazement, you all completed the course. So it's official. You're Plumbers.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But we knew that already. So what you really came here for was to thank me for saving your life, didn't you? Go on. It won't hurt.
:'''Magister Hulka''': [''Hulka puts a medal on Ben's chest''] Your shuttle leaves for home in 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. What's this for?
:'''Tack''': [''Reading the medal''] &quot;For demonstration of a Plumber's most essential attribute - the ability to exercise latitude and creativity in problem solving.&quot; Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sounds like a &quot;Thank you&quot; to me.

===It's Not Easy Being Gwen===
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': I'm not judging them, but let's face it - polite people don't glow.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I glow.
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Not around me.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ...So no Tennysons at all? Not even Ben or Grandpa?
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Ben's table manners leave a bit to be desired and Grandpa Max dresses like he's on vacation in Vegas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Pulling up his car''] You never called me back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Getting in the car''] No time for lunch. I need to stop at Office Mania then swing by my house. My mom needs something.
:[''Gwen notices Kevin's shirt is torn and gasps'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': I found Animo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben was right about checking pet stores.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did you know that he can get a pass to go off campus anytime he wants?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I didn't even know you could buy frogs at the pet store.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Snake food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Just because you don't go to school, I don't want you to go up against Animo without me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You know about that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I was in the Null Void for a long while. By the time I'd got out, I'd kind of outgrown fifth grade.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But I also know how smart you are. There isn't a piece of tech in the whole galaxy you can't strip and rebuild by hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe you could go for a High School Equivalency Degree.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A G.E.D.?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure, I'll find out what you need to do. Help you study.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Always room for another project, huh?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': If I wanted to take it easy. I'd go live with my grandpa. I'm not about to let anyone down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Is this about you and Ben?
:'''Emily''': It's not that I hate your cousin.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on! It was one date. How bad could it have been?
:'''Emily''': You left me at the top of a radio tower!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': For you own safety.
:'''Emily''': 200 feet above the ground.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't have fallen - I webbed you to it.
:'''Emily''': (''to Gwen'') You're right. I do hate your cousin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': While the Plumbers held me. I had time to plot my revenge. So I've scaled up my Transmodulator Ray and overclocked it. THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL BE...
:'''Cannonbolt''': My cousin's on a schedule. Can we skip this part and move directly to the terrific beating I'm about to give you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Your father's getting dinner. Kevin called and I asked him and Ben to join us. Help set the table. How was your day, Gwenny?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, you know, the usual.

===Ben 10,000 Returns===
:'''Ben 10,000''': Sure it's all fun and games until someone loses and eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Impressive. In all my years hunting alternative versions of you, I've never met one with your abilities. Still I shouldn't be surprised, considering...
:'''Ben 10,000''': Considering what? Why are you doing this Eon? When we fought before we...
:'''Eon''': THAT WASN'T ME, TENNYSON! And soon it won't have been you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Any last words, Tennyson? I'm collecting them.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I've got two words for you. (''activates Omnitrix'') Ultimate Humungousaur!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello Ben.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Good to see you, Paradox. Love how you don't show up until it's all over.
:'''Professor Paradox''': It's far from over, old friend. It's barely begun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's either an uncatalogued alien, or yet another feature I can't figure out - or it's broken again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Gwen takes down a ninja''] Wow! You learned that in Karate School?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Saw it in an old movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Professor Paradox?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Hello children.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's your friend?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you...?
:'''Ben 10,000''': That's right Ben, I'm you. Only even more awesome. (''after shaking Ben's hand'') Ben 10,000 at your service.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I've heard about you, you're the jerk from the future.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I'm a different Ben 10,000, but I do remember going to that future back when we were ten. What a buzzkill that guy was!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're my real future?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Yes. If nothing occurs to change it. That's why I've - bent the rules of time and brought you here

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': You traveled into Cross Time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Like a parallel world?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Exactly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's why the me in the future didn't remember it happening to him.
:'''Ben 10,000 and Kevin Levin''': But you remember all of this.
:'''Ben 10,000''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, don't do that again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben 10,000 saves the Rust Bucket from crashing]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You just landed a spaceship!
:'''Ben 10,000''': From the ''outside''. Don't forget the cool part.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How do you do that without transforming?
:'''Ben 10,000''': I haven't bothered to for years. Not since I discovered my best transformation.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ultimate Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What power comes with that?
:'''Ben 10,000''': Pretty much all of them. You'll figure it out someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': There are rules, Kevin. I cannot interfer.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Excuse me. But aren't you already interfering?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Touche... Actually I've just come to give young Ben a warning. But that can wait.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Until what?
:'''Professor Paradox''': Until I see if you survive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when discovering that Eon's servants are versions of him'') This raises some questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like where did you learn Nin-Jitsu?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eon''': Tennyson, prepare to die.
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': Maybe later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Swampfire''': How about you explain yourself? Why attack me over and over?
:'''Eon''': Our paths are intertwined. In this and every other timeline.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': I won't allow that Eon!
:'''Eon''': You cannot interfere, timewalker. And you why.
:'''Professor Paradox''': True. But if you dare procede there is nowhere in all of space and time you can hide from me.
:'''Eon''': I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Now I have a couple of Ben Tennysons to absorb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben 10,000''': There you go. I've just unlocked everything you've ever become up until now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? Thanks.
:'''Ben 10,000''': I also threw in a few new ones because it'll annoy Azmuth when he finds out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Paradox''': Time to go. But first a warning to my young friend. [''In an ominous voice''] Beware old George. Beware the creature from beyond. [''Cheerfully''] So long.

===Moonstruck===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Trying to fit the equipment into the Rust Bucket]'' How did you fit all this stuff in here?
:''' Grandpa Max''': Gradually, I haven't done spring cleaning in the Rustbucket since I got her. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Except for when I blew it up…which I probably shouldn't mention. 
:'''Grandpa Max''': Just help carry the boxes outside and stack them up. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[unable to lift the box]'' Ehhh… Heavy! 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not if you take them one at a time. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've got a better idea ''[activates Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Fourarms''': FOURARMS! 
:'''Kevin, Gwen and Max''': Ben! 
:'''Grandpa Max''': You're too big to be in here! 
:'''Fourarms''': No, I'm not!
:''[sounds of glass breaking]''
:'''Grandpa Max''': Ben!
:'''Fourarms''': Sorry, sorry. I'm going. ''[gets stuck in the door and is kicked out by Kevin]'' Thanks a lot, Kevin.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you have a woman's bracelet?
:'''Grandpa Max''': It's not exactly jewelry, Gwen. It belonged to your grandmother. Long story. [''the team sits down. Max sighs''] I was about Kevin's age. A rookie with the Tactical Air Command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel''': You think the laws of physics don't apply to you, Tennyson?! F-104s are rated for Mach 2. You were pushing Mach 3! Do you know what happens when an F-104 goes that fast?! [''They both look at the burning wreckage of Max's jet''] IT FALLS APART!
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Sir, if you'd give me a chance to ex--
:'''Colonel''': No! No more chances! No more excuses! You are through! I am kicking your butt off this base and out of the Air Force!
:'''Major General''': Excuse me, Colonel. I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': So, do you know why President Kennedy wants to send us to the moon?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Because of the Russians?
:'''Major General''': No. Because of the kind of thing you saw today. I don't know what you tangled with, but I do know it was real. Of course, officially, we deny everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Major General''': On the other hand, you've been cited repeatedly for insubordination.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Only when my Commanding Officers were wrong... sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': How's your chili?
:'''Florence''': Pretty bad.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': That's my favorite kind. I'll take a double order.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The pickings are looking pretty slim in here.
:'''Young Verdona''': [''Approaching Max''] I'm gonna try and not take that personally.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': ...Hello. Present company accepted, of course.
:'''Florence''': I'll let you two get acquainted. [''Florence leaves'']
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm Max.
:'''Young Verdona''': Verdona.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Fine. What you said before was correct. I'm not from around here. I'm from another planet. And that man chasing me isn't a man at all. He's actually from a race of sentient robots called &quot;Synthroids.&quot;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Oh. Why didn't you say so?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Well, I have certain... how shall I put this?... Abilities.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': So why don't you use them?
:'''Young Verdona''': I can't. The Synthroid put this on my arm. [''Verdona shows Max a bracelet''] It locked me in this form and neutralizes most of my powers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': Then you can tell when the robot's getting close.
:'''Young Verdona''': Telepathy only works with living beings. The Synthroid is a machine. But I did read your mind.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': In the diner? It wouldn't take superpowers to tell what I was thinking, doll.
:'''Young Verdona''': Not then. When you were chasing us in your fighter jet.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You were in the UFO?
:'''Young Verdona''': A captive. Then you shot it down, and I escaped. But I knew that I had to find you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Synthroid''': What is one life compared to the survival of my species?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': The way I see it, any life is precious. But you wouldn't understand that because you're really alive, are you? Anyway, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': And... this is what you really look like?
:'''Young Verdona''': Does my true form displease you?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': No. On you it's a good look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Verdona''': Why settle for the moon when I can give you the stars?
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': You can't give me what I want. I have to take it. It wouldn't be the same if I didn't do it myself. Do you understand?
:'''Young Verdona''': You are a stubborn man, Max Tennyson.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I always say, it's a sin to waste talent.
:'''Young Verdona''': I won't argue. Because I know I can't convince you. But I promise - we will meet again.
:'''Young Max Tennyson''': I'm counting on it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''snores, but then is punched by Ben'') What'd I miss?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': [''Holding on to Verdona's bracelet and looking to the stars''] Good night, Verdona. Wherever you are.

===Prisoner #775 Is Missing===
:(''Ben turns into Swampfire'') 
:'''Swampfire''': Swampfire! (''lights a campfire'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, that's overkill.
:'''Swampfire''': No. It's Swampfire. I don't have an alien named &quot;Overkill&quot;. 'Cause if I did, I'd, you know, shout: &quot;Overkill!&quot;.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's with the shouting names thing anyway?
:'''Swampfire''': It strikes fear into my enemies.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ...You go right on believing that, bud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Well, it's local business. The first step should be for the Air Force to send in their own investigators.
:'''Cooper Daniels''': They did. But whatever they learned, we'll never find out from them, Magister Tennyson. Nobody knows techology like I do, and I've never seen anything like it.
:'''Grandpa Max''': All right, Cooper, I'll be right there. [''Gwen clears her throat''] We'll be right there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Plumbers really need to upgrade their rides, I mean look at this thing! No power, lousy security system.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You want one, don't you?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe for your birthday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': Perhaps you could enlighten us, Colonel.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Sorry Max. It's above your paygrade.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then my grandfather gets a raise right now or we walk!
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You're gonna let him talk to me like that, Max?
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'll let him know when he says something I disagree with... Okay, then.
:[''Everyone turns to leave'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': You haven't said much.
:'''Grandpa Max''': I'm trying not to throttle you. This holding facility of yours is nothing but a prison. Earth is a level 2 world. And a privisonary signatory of the Kelly-Casey Accords. You have no rights...
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Rights? Don't talk to me about rights with all the alien terrorists you fought. You know the dangers they present. You should be thanking me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Big Chill'') 
:'''Big Chill''': Big Chill! (''he passes through the floor'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Cooper'') When he shouted his name just then, did it strike fear into you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not now, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Time for Humungousaur! ''[Transforms into Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!! FINE, RATH'S BETTER ANYWAY!! HEY, HEY, LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', MR. ALIEN PRISONER!! NOBODY GOES UNLESS RATH SAYS THEY CAN GO!! BECAUSE RATH GOES BEFORE EVERYBODY!! SO DON'T GO, YO!!!''''' ''[Jumps and holds on to the ship]'' '''''AAAH!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP?!! 'CAUSE RATH'S GOT TONS MORE!! IN FACT, I'VE GOTTA GIVE YOU SOME OF MINE, SO IT'LL BE A FAIR FIGHT!! AND AFTER THAT, EVERYTHING I GAVE YOU I CAN TAKE IT BACK AGAIN!! AND MAKE YOU LIKE IT!! '''''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looks at Rath]''  You know, Rath is the only alien that makes me wanna get a box of popcorn, kick back and just watch.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, this isn't the time for- Okay, me too.
:'''Rath''': '''''AAAH!! GIVE UP, STOLEN PLUMBER SHIP!! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FORM RATH!! YAAH!!''''' ''[Extends his claw, starts tearing the ship apart. The ship begins to crash]'' '''''CRASHING'S GOOD TOO!! RATH CAN CRASH ALL DAY!!''''' ''[The part of the ship Raths holds on to tears off, Rath falls down]'' '''''OH, NOW YOU'RE USING GRAVITY!! WELL FORGET IT!! GIVE UP, GRAVITY!! YOU CAN'T BEAT RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH...!!''''' ''[Slams into the ground]''
:''[Gwen and Kevin approach the Rath-shaped hole]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Ben, are you all right?
:'''Rath''': ''[Crawls out of the hole, breathes heavily and shakes his head]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', STUPID RATH-SIZED HOLE!! RATH WILL DESTROY YOU!!''''' ''[Starts stomping the ground]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh for crying out loud! Ben!
:'''Rath''': (''Pauses, then kicks dust at the hole'') What? (''Gwen gives him a stern look'') Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben helps an officer get up and sit'')
:'''Officer''': Ben... Tennyson... My daughter's nuts about you...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah? She's cute?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's fail-safe - in case a plumber's ship is crashed and then abandoned. I'm on it. Don't worry.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Plumber override. [''Kevin uses his badge to override the fail-safe''] I said &quot;don't worry.&quot; [''the fail-safe starts up again''] Now you can worry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben tries to transform]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Goop? ''[Transforms into Humungousaur]''
:'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Hah! Finally! Okay, no one has to get hurt. ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a car towards him, it slams into Humungousaur's leg]'' Wow, a little car. ''[Slams it away]''  You'll have to do better than-  ''[Prisoner #775 pushes a truck towards him.]'' Oh, truck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Leave me be! I intend to balance the scales!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You wanna balance scales? Go on a diet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': I no longer have a home. While I rotted away in your prison, the revolution was lost! My mate, my children - gone - all gone. This is nothing left to live for.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's always something to live fore. You could even the score.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Absolutely. You could seek justice.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Justice? Yes. Those who wronged me should die - beginning with Colonel Rozum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Remember, this guy could be totally innocent of everything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': He stole a ship. He's no &quot;innocent&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You really wanna stack your rap sheet against his, Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just sayin'...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben transforms into Wildmutt]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[deep voice]'' Wildmutt! ''[Wildmutt and Kevin look at her]'' What? He can't talk! Somebody had to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': You're going to live Rozum. Just long enough to see what it's like to lose your family.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': They have nothing to do with this.
:'''Prisoner 775''': Neither did mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Lease your overgrown pet! He's no match for me!
:''[Wildmutt slams his Ultimatrix]'' 
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Ultimate Wildmutt!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I was gonna do that for you!
:'''Ultimate Wildmutt''': Tell you what, you can clean up what's left of him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prisoner 775''': Do it. Finish me. Come on! Let me join my family. Do it. Do it!... PLEASE do it! Please finish me. I've got... nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': DNA scanned and recognized. Merlinisapiens. Unlocked and available on Playlist 5.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey guys! Check it out! (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Overkill! Well? Well?
:(''Gwen and Kevin walk away'')
:'''ChamAlien''': Too soon?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Max''': You still don't get it, Colonel. Earth's in violation of Interstellar law. You don't seem to realize the enormity of what you've done.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': I realize it fine, Max. And under the same circumstances, I'd do the *exact* same thing. When it comes to choosing between a few hundred aliens and my country, it's a no-brainer.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:American television seasons]]
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    <title>Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)</title>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===Chapter One:The Boy in the Iceberg[01]===
:''[Boy lifts up the mouth of this big creature.]''
:'''Boy''': Wake up buddy! C'mon boy wake up!
:''[Sokka walks in and gasps]''
:'''Boy''': Yay buddy you're ok!
:'''Sokka''': What is that thing?
:'''Boy''': This is Appa, my flying bison.
:'''Sokka''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Right. And this is Katara, my flying sister.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Katara and Aang giggle as they slide down a snowy hill on penguins.]''
:'''Katara''': I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE I WAS A KID!
:'''Aang''': YOU STILL ARE A KID!
:''[They giggle some more and then they stop in front of a fire nation ship.]''
:'''Aang''': Woah... What's that?
:'''Katara''': A fire nation ship. One of the bad memories of my people.
:''[Aang steps closer to the ship]''
:'''Katara''': Aang don't we aren't allowed to go near it.
:'''Aang''': If you want to be a bender, you have to let go of fear.

===Chapter Two:The Avatar Returns[02]===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': I've spent years preparing for this encounter. Training, meditating...you're just a child!
:'''[[w:Aang|Aang]]''': Well, ''you're'' just a teenager.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': ''(to himself as he chops at the ice holding his feet down)'' I'm just a guy with a boomerang. I didn't ask for all this flying and magic!

===Chapter Three:The Southern Air Temple[03]===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Zuko has challenged Zhao to an Agni Kai]''
:'''Iroh''': Remember your Firebending basics, Prince Zuko.  They are your greatest weapons.
:'''Zuko''': I refuse to let him win. ''[he turns to face Zhao]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[also turns]'' This... will be over quickly.
''[A gong sounds. Zuko strikes first, sending multiple fire blasts from his fists. Zhao dodges or deflects them repeatedly, looking smug.  Zuko launches several flaming kicks, but Zhao blocks them all.]''
:'''Iroh''': ''Basics'', Zuko!  BREAK HIS ROOT!
''[Zhao launches a powerful series of counterattacks, knocking Zuko backward and off his feet. Zhao leaps forward and launches a finishing blow, but Zuko flips upright at the last second, dodging and knocking Zhao's front foot from under him. Iroh grins approvingly as Zuko counterattacks again, forcing the unbalanced Zhao back and finally knocking him down.  Standing over him, Zuko raises his fist]''
:'''Zhao''': ''Do it!''
''[Zuko sends his final fire blast wide, sparing Zhao's life]''
:'''Zhao''': That's it?!  Your father raised a ''coward!''
:'''Zuko''': Next time you get in my way... I promise, I won't hold back.
''[As Zuko walks away, Zhao tries to attack him from behind, but Iroh catches his foot and throws him to the ground.  Zuko starts toward Zhao angrily]''
:'''Iroh''': No, Prince Zuko; do not taint your victory. ''[To Zhao, scornfully]'' So, this is how the great Commander Zhao acts in defeat? ''Disgraceful.'' Even in exile, my nephew is more honorable than ''you''. Thanks again for the tea, it was delicious.
''[Zuko and Iroh leave]''
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, did you really mean that?
:'''Iroh''': Of course! I told you, ginseng tea is my favorite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Aang walks into someplace at the Southern Air Temple and finds it littered with skeletons wearing Fire Nation uniforms)''
:'''Aang''': ''(horrified)'' Firebenders? They were here?
:''(He spots a skeleton wearing Air Nomad robes and the necklace Gyatso used to wear)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' Gyatso.
:''(he sinks to his knees and begins crying, Sokka comes in)''
:'''Sokka''': Hey Aang, you find my dinner yet? ''(he sees Aang crying and walks up to him)'' Aang, I wasn't really gonna eat the lemur, okay? ''(he notices Gyatso's skeleton)'' Oh man... Come on, Aang. Everything will be alright. ''(He puts his hand on Aang's shoulder)'' Let's get out of here.
:''(Aang's eyes and tattoos begin to glow white as he enters the Avatar State, Sokka gasps. Back in the sanctuary, the eyes on the statues of the previous Avatar's begin to glow as well, alarming Katara)''
:'''Katara''': Aang! ''(she turns and runs to find Aang)''
:''(The eyes of different Avatar memorials begin to glow throughout the nations, including a temple in the Fire Nation)''
:'''Fire Sage''': Send word to the Fire Lord immediately: The Avatar has returned!
:''(Back at the Southern Air Temple, the wind begins to pick up around Aang)''
:'''Sokka''': Aang, come on! Snap out of it! ''(He yells as he is blown back by a gust of wind created by Aang)''
:''(Aang blows the roof off of the place he and Sokka are in as his bending gets more and more powerful)''
:'''Katara''': ''(to Sokka)'' What happened?!
:'''Sokka''': He found out firebenders killed Gyatso!
:'''Katara''': Oh no! It's his Avatar Spirit. He must have triggered it! I'm gonna try and calm him down!
:'''Sokka''': Well do it! Before he blows us off the mountain!
:''(Katara begins struggling to move towards Aang, and watches as the wind carries him up into the air)''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I know you're upset, and I know how hard it is to lose the people you love! I went through the same thing when I lost my mom! Monk Gyatso and the other airbenders may be gone, but you still have a family! Sokka and I, we're your family now!
:''(Aang begins descending back to the ground, and the wind begins dying down and then stops completely. When he lands, Sokka and Katara walk up behind him)''
:'''Sokka''': Katara and I aren't going to let anything happen to you, promise.
:''(Katara grabs Aang's hand and the light fades from him. He tiredly collapses to the ground and she holds him)''
:'''Aang''': ''(quietly)'' I'm sorry.
:'''Katara''': It's okay. It wasn't your fault.
:'''Aang''': But you were right. And if firebenders found this temple, that means they found the other ones too...I really ''am'' the last airbender...
:''(Katara hugs Aang tighter and Sokka puts his hand on his shoulder)''

===Chapter Four:The Warriors of Kyoshi[04]===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': [''Studying a map detailing reported Avatar sightings scattered around''] How am I going to find him, [[w:Iroh|Uncle]]? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
:[''Cut to [[w:Sokka|Sokka]], looking at a similar map, which is blank'']
:'''[[w:Sokka|Sokka]]''': [''to [[w:Aang|Aang]]''] You have no idea where you're going, do you?
:'''Aang''': Well...I know it's near water [''zooms out to show the ocean below'']
:'''Sokka''': We must be getting close, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': [''straining at his bonds''] Who are you? Where are the men who ambushed us?
:'''Suki''': There were no men. ''We'' ambushed you. Now tell us, who are you and what are you doing here?
:'''Sokka''': Wait a second, there's no way a bunch of girls took us down.
:'''Suki''': A bunch of girls, huh? The unagi's gonna eat well tonight.
:'''Katara''': No, don't hurt him! He didn't mean it. My brother is just an idiot sometimes.

===Chapter Five:The King of Omashu[05]===
:''[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk toward Omashu's gate, but are stopped by the gate guards, one of which positions a rock over Aang's head]''
:'''Gate Guard''': Halt! State your business here.
:'''Aang''': ''[runs up to the guard]'' ''[elderly voice]'' My business is ''my'' business young man and none of yours! I've got a good mind to put you over my knee and paddle your backside!
:'''Gate Guard''': Settle down, old timer. Just tell me who you are.
:'''Aang''': Name's Bonzu... Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis... the Third, and these are my grandkids.
:'''Katara''' [''now smiling serenely'']: Hi, June Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis. Nice to meet you.
:'''Gate Gaurd''': ''[to Katara]'' You seem like a responsible young lady. See to it that your grandfather stays out of trouble. Enjoy Omashu.
:''[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk to the gate until the guard stops Sokka]''
:'''Gate Guard''': ''[places a hand on Sokka's shoulder]'' Wait a minute... ''[Sokka becomes nervous]'' ...you're a strong young man. Show some respect for the elderly and carry your grandfather's bag!
:'''Aang''': Good idea! ''[throws Sokka his bag]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Bumi''': Tomorrow the Avatar will face three deadly challenges. But for now, the guards will show you to your chamber.
:'''Guard''': My liege, do you mean the good chamber, or the bad chamber?
:'''King Bumi''': The newly refurbished chamber.
:'''Guard''': Wait, which one are we talking about?
:'''King Bumi''': The one that used to be the bad chamber, until the recent refurbishing that is. Of course, we've been calling it the new chamber, but we really should number them. Uh, take them to the refurbished chamber that was once bad!

===Chapter Six:Imprisoned[06]===
:'''Katara''': Earthbenders! You don't know me, but I know of you. Every child of my water tribe village was rocked to sleep with stories of the brave Earth Kingdom and the courageous earthbenders who guard its borders. Some of you may think that the Fire Nation has made you powerless. Yes, they have taken away your ability to bend, but they can't take away your courage and it is your courage they should truly fear! Because it runs deeper than any mine you've been forced to dig, any ocean that keeps you far from home. It is the strength of your hearts that make you who you are, hearts that will remain unbroken when all rock and stone has eroded away. The time to fight back is now! I can tell you the Avatar has returned! So remember your courage, earthbenders, let us fight for our freedom!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warden''': Tell me exactly what you saw.
:'''Captain''': Well, Sir, it looked like a flying bison.
:'''Warden''': A what?
:'''Guard''': It was a giant flying buffalo, Sir, with an empty saddle.
:'''Warden''': Which was it? A buffalo or a bison?
:'''Captain''': Uh, I'm not sure what the difference is, but that's not really the point is it, Sir?
:'''Warden''': ''[angry]'' I'll decide what the point is, fool!
:''[Warden throws the Captain over the railing. A scream trails off into nothing as a splash of water is heard. Cut back to the Warden and the remaining guard]''
:'''Warden''': You! Wake up the Captain. Search the entire rig!
:'''Guard''': Sir?
:'''Warden''': What!?
:'''Guard''': That was the Captain you just threw overboard, sir. So…
:'''Warden''': Then wake up someone I haven't thrown overboard and search the rig! There's something going on here and I don't like it.

===Winter Solstice, Part 1: The Spirit World===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': ''[To a bathing Iroh]'' Enough. we need to leave now! Get out of the water.
:'''Iroh''': Very well. ''[stands up]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[Looks away in horror and disgust]'' On second thought, why don't you take another few minutes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in 42 minutes later logo]''
:'''Aang''': Perhaps to sit in the cloud starts to sing?
:'''Sokka''': Oh, no! Aang, get out of here, the Azula coming.
:'''Katara''': Aang, don't singing do this! It's dangerous in there!
:'''Aang''': ''[sings with a guitar] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K-- [screams with falls off the cloud then splashes the water]''
:'''Zuko''': Ha-ha! Busted, Avatar!
:'''Azula''': What's this Avatar Aang? ''[to Aang]'' Guards, ''[points Aang]'' tied it up! Right Commander Zhao?
:'''Aang''': What?! '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' ''[wokes up in screams and gasps]''
:'''Katara''': What's wrong?
:'''Sokka''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Aang calms the spirit of the forest, Sokka and other villagers are brought back]''
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
:''[Katara runs to Sokka and hugs him]''
:'''Sokka''': What happened?
:'''Katara''': You were in the spirit world for 24 hours. How do you feel?
:'''Sokka''': Like I seriously have to use the bathroom! ''[runs off]''

===Winter Solstice, Part 2: Avatar Roku===
:'''Sokka''': ''[Appa licks Sokka]'' EW!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iroh''': Sailing into Fire Nation Waters... Of all the foolish things you've done in your 16 years, Prince Zuko, this is the most foolish!
:'''Zuko''': I have no choice, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Have you completely forgotten that the Fire Lord banished you! What if you are caught?
:'''Zuko''': I'm chasing the Avatar, my father will understand why I'm returning home.
:'''Iroh''': You give him too much credit. My brother is not the understanding type!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': Sokka! You're a genius! 
:'''Aang''': Wait. How is Sokka a genius? His plan didn't even work! 
:'''Sokka''': Come on, Aang. Let her dream. 
:'''Katara''': You're right, Sokka's plan didn't work. But it ''looks'' like it did. 
:'''Aang''': Did the definition of 'genius' change in the last hundred years?

===The Waterbending Scroll ===
:'''Katara''': Aang, this is all my fault.
:'''Aang''': No, Katara, it's not.
:'''Iroh''': Yeah, it kind of is. ''[Katara glares at him]''
:'''Zuko''': Give me the boy.
:'''Pirate Captain''': You give ''us'' the scroll.
:'''Sokka''': You're really gonna hand over the Avatar for a stupid piece of parchment?
:'''Zuko''': ''[to the Pirate Captain]''  Don't listen to him! He's trying to turn us against each other.
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''[to Sokka]''  Your friend is the Avatar?
:'''Sokka''': Sure is, and I'll bet he'll fetch a lot more on the black market then that fancy scroll.
:'''Zuko''': Shut your mouth, you Water Tribe peasant!
:'''Aang''': ''[sternly]'' Yeah, Sokka. You really should shut your mouth...
:'''Sokka''': ''[still trying to con the pirates]'' I'm just sayin', it's bad business sense. Just imagine how much the Fire Lord would pay for the Avatar. You guys would be set for life!
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''Keep'' the scroll. We can buy a ''hundred'' with the reward we'll get from the kid. ''[turns away]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[menacingly]'' You'll regret going back on a deal with ''me.''
''[He launches a fire burst, then the Fire Nation soldiers and pirates attack each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pirate Captain and Zuko are fighting]''
:'''Iroh''': Are you so busy fighting you cannot see your own ship has set sail?
:'''Zuko''': We have no time for your proverbs, Uncle!
:'''Iroh''': It's no proverb.  ''[Aang and others getting away in pirate ship]''
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''[shocked]'' Bleeding hog monkeys! ''[Zuko laughs; the pirates laugh as they drift after Aang and his friends]''
:'''Zuko''': Hey! That's ''my'' boat! ''[runs after them]''
:'''Iroh''':  Maybe it should be a proverb.

===Jet===
''[Aang complains about walking]''
:'''Katara''': ''[mockingly]'' Well, I don't know, Aang. Why don't you ask Sokka's instincts? They seem to know ''everything!''
:'''Sokka''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha ha, very funny.
:'''Aang''': I'm ''tired'' of carrying this pack.
:'''Katara''': You know who you should ask to carry it for awhile? Sokka's instincts!
:'''Aang''': Hey, that's a great idea! Hey! Sokka's instincts! Would you mind--?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jet is threatening an elderly man]''
:'''Old man''': Let me go! Have mercy!
:'''Jet''': Does the Fire Nation let people go? Does the Fire Nation have mercy?
''[He tries to kick the old man in the head; Sokka restrains him]''
:'''Sokka''': Jet, stop! He's just an old man!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': But we thought you were going to the dam. How come you went to the town instead?
:'''Katara''': Let me guess, Your instincts told you?
:'''Sokka''': Hey, sometimes they're right.
:'''Aang''': Uh, Sokka, you know we're going the wrong way right?
:'''Sokka''' And sometimes they're wrong.

===The Great Divide===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you're supposed to put the tarp on ''top'' of the tent. You know, so we don't get rained on?
:'''Sokka''': Ordinarily you'd be right, but seeing as it's the dry season, you're not. Besides, that tarp makes a pretty warm blanket.
:'''Katara''': But what if it does rain?
:'''Sokka''': What if it doesn't? Then I would've put the tarp up for nothing.
:'''Katara''': Arrgh! You're infuriating!
:'''Sokka''': Katara, why don't you worry about gathering the firewood, cause that kindling's looking pretty sorry.
:'''Katara''': Well if you don't like my firewood...!
:''[throws twigs at Sokka]''
:'''Sokka''': Fine by me! If you're not gonna do your job...!
:''[pulls down tent]''
:'''Aang''': Okay, guys, I got the grub if you guys got the... Hey, where's the campfire? And what happened to the tent?
:'''Sokka''': Why don't you ask Miss Know-It-All, queen of the twigs.
:'''Katara''': Oh, yeah, well you're Mr. Lazy Bum, king of the... ''[picks up a twig and throws it at Sokka]'' ...tents!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': That's some luck you knew Jin Wai and Wai Jin.
:'''Aang''': You could call it luck... Or you could call it lying.
:'''Sokka''': What?!
:'''Aang''': I made the whole thing up.
:'''Katara''': ''[shocked]'' You did not! ''[then, in devilish admiration]'' That is so wrong.

===The Storm===
:''[After Aang tells the story of how he got frozen in the iceberg]''
:'''Katara''': You ran away.
:'''Aang''': ''[looking  at Katara]'' And then the Fire Nation attacked our temple. My people needed me, and I wasn't there to help.
:'''Katara''': You don't know what would've...
:'''Aang''': The world needed me, and I wasn't there to help!
:'''Katara''': Aang?
:'''Aang''': The fisherman was right. I ''did'' turn my back on the world.
:'''Katara''': You're being too hard on yourself. Even if you did run away, I think it was meant to be. If you stayed, you would have been killed with all the other airbenders.
:'''Aang''': ''[downcast]'' You don't know that.
:'''Katara''': I know it's meant to be this way. The world needs you now. You give people hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Iroh tells the story of how Zuko was burned by his father]''
:'''Lt. Jee''':  I always thought that... Prince Zuko was in a training accident.
:'''Iroh''': It was no accident.  After the duel, the Fire Lord said that by refusing to fight, Zuko had shown shameful weakness. As punishment, he was banished and sent to capture the Avatar. Only then could he return with his honor.
:'''Lt. Jee''': So that's why he's so obsessed. Capturing the Avatar is his only chance he has of things returning to normal.
:'''Iroh''': Things will never return to normal, but the important thing is, the Avatar gives Zuko hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iroh''': I look he way.

===The Blue Spirit===
:'''Zhao:''' So, this the great Avatar, master of all the elements. I don't know ''how'' you managed to elude the Fire Nation for a hundred years. But your little game of hide-and-seek... is over.
:'''Aang:''' I've never hidden from you. Untie me and I'll fight you right now!
:'''Zhao:''' Uh, no. Tell me, how does it feel to be the only Airbender left? Do you miss your people? Oh, don't worry. You won't be killed like they were. See, if you die, you'll just be [[w:Korra|reborn]], and the Fire Nation will have to continue its hunt for the Avatar all over again. So I'll keep you alive... but just ''barely.''
''[As he leaves the room, Aang airbends with his breath, knocking Zhao off his feet]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[angrily]'' Blow all the wind you want, but your situation is futile. There is no escaping this fortress, and ''no one'' is coming to rescue you.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aang:''' You know what the worst part of being born over a hundred years ago is? I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started, I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had, and he was from the Fire Nation just like you. If we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends too?
:''[After a pause, Zuko launches a fire blast at Aang, who easily dodges it. Zuko's expression softens slightly as he watches Aang escape.]''

===The Fortuneteller===
:'''Sokka''': You can't ''really'' tell the future.
:'''Katara''': I guess you're not ''really'' getting wet then.
:''[Platypus bear egg flies out of Sokka's hands]''
:'''Sokka''': Ah ah aha ah ah ''[starts gibbering]'' Of course she predicted it was gonna rain. The sky's been gray all day!
:'''Katara''': Just admit you might be wrong and you can come under the umbrella.
:'''Sokka''': Look, I'm gonna predict the future now. It's going to keep drizzling. See?
:''[Rain stops and becomes sunny]''
:'''Aang''': Not everyone has the gift, Sokka.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': I can't believe all these saps! Someone ''really'' needs to scream some sense into these people.
:'''Aang''': They seem happy, Sokka.
:'''Sokka''': Not for long. I'm gonna prove to them Aunt Wu's predictions are nonsense. ''(he turns to a villager)'' Hey, you! I bet Aunt Wu told you to wear those red slippers, right?
:'''Villager''': Yeah. She said I'd meet my true love wearing red slippers.
:'''Sokka''' ''[slyly]'': Uh-huh. And how many times have you worn those shoes since you got that fortune?
:'''Villager''': Every day.
:'''Sokka''' ''[angrily]'': THEN OF COURSE IT'S GONNA COME TRUE!
:'''Villager''' ''[excitedly]'': Really?! You think so?! I'm so excited!

===Bato of the Water Tribe===
:'''Zuko''': ''(pushing through a crowd)'' Out of my way! Step aside, filth!
:'''Iroh''': He means no offense! I'm certain you bathe regularly...
:'''Zuko''': ''(to June)'' I need to talk to you.
:'''June''': Well, if it isn't my new friends, Angry Boy and Uncle Lazy.
:''(Iroh laughs heartily for a moment)''
:'''Zuko''': Your beast trashed my ship. You have to pay me back!
:'''June''': ''(collecting her winnings from a game)'' Well, I'd love to help you out, but I'm a little short on money. ''(to the crowd)'' Drinks on me! ''(the crowd cheers)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': ''(shows June Katara's necklace)''
:'''June''': ''(smirking)'' What happened? Your girlfriend run off on you? 
:'''Zuko''': It's not the girl I'm after, it's the bald monk she's traveling with.
:'''June''': Whatever you say...
:'''Zuko''': If you find them, I'll consider the damage to my ship paid for.
:'''June''': Heh. Forget it.
:'''Iroh''': Plus, we'll pay your weight in gold.
:'''June''': ''(smiling)'' Make it ''your'' weight, and we got a deal.  
:'''Iroh''': ''(laughs)'' You got it!  

===The Deserter===
:''[Aang attempts to convince Jeong Jeong to teach him firebending]''
:'''Aang''': Master, I need to learn firebending. 
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Only a fool seeks his own destruction.
:'''Aang''': ''[sits down]'' I'm the Avatar. It's my destiny to— ''[Jeong Jeong cuts off Aang's sentence]''
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Destiny? What would a boy know of destiny?! If a fish lives its whole life in this river, does he know the river's destiny? No! Only that it runs on and on out of his control. He may follow where it flows, but he cannot see the end. He cannot imagine the ocean.
:'''Aang''': ''[feels unsure]'' Okay... But it's the Avatar's duty to master all of the bending disciplines.
:'''Jeong Jeong''': To master the bending disciplines, you must first master discipline itself. But you have no interest in this, so I have no interest in ''you''. Now, get out.
:'''Aang''': Please, I have to learn. This could be my only chance. ''[Jeong Jeong lashes back at Aang]''
:'''Jeong Jeong''': '''Are you deaf?!''' How can I teach you if you refuse to listen?! Before learning firebending, you must learn water and earth. Water is cool and soothing. Earth is steady and stable. But fire... fire is alive. It breathes, it grows. Without the bender, a rock will not throw itself! But fire will spread and destroy everything in its path if one does not have the will to control it! That is its destiny! You are not ready! You are too '''weak!'''
:''[the candles suddenly burn out and relight to show Avatar Roku standing before Jeong Jeong]''
:'''Roku''': You think I am weak?
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Avatar Roku! No, no! ''[bowing his head in respect]'' I did not mean that!
:'''Roku''': I have mastered the elements a thousand times in a thousand lifetimes. Now, I must do it once again. You ''will'' teach the Avatar firebending.
:'''Jeong Jeong''': ''[coming out of his vision]'' Yes, yes... I will teach you.
:'''Aang''': Really? That's great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': ''[Katara begins 2 crying]'' Katara, what's wrong?! What do you do?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': ''[having dodged a series of blasts from Zhao on several ships]'' You've lost this battle.
:'''Zhao''': ''[enraged disbelief]'' Are you crazy? You haven't thrown a single blow!
:'''Aang''': No, but you have ''[he gestures around, all the boats are on fire and sinking]'' Jeong Jeong said you had no restraint.

===The Northern Air Temple===
:(''approaching the Northern Air Temple'')
:'''Katara''': (''to Sokka, excited'') Do you think we'll really find airbenders?
:'''Sokka''': Do you want me to be like you or totally honest?
:'''Katara''': Are you saying I'm a liar?
:'''Sokka''': I'm saying you're an optimist. Same thing, basically.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': What about meeting with a... ''[KATARA SWALLOWERS THE BUGS]'' Bleech! Bug, bug! ''[chokes]'' That was a bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': (referring to a statue of a monk) It's nice to see one part of the temple that isn't ruined.
:'''Mechanist''': Look out! (''A giant boulder swings through and destroys the statue'') What the doodle? Don't you know enough to stay away from construction sites? We have to make room for the bathhouse!
:'''Aang''': ''(angrily)'' Do you know what you did!? You just destroyed something sacred! For a stupid bathhouse! 
:'''Mechanist''': Well, people around here are starting to stink.
:'''Aang''': This whole place stinks!

===The Waterbending Master===
:'''Katara''': How's warrior training going?
:(''Sokka makes an angry noise and flops down on his bed'')
:'''Aang''': That bad?
:'''Sokka''': No, it's Princess Yue. I don't get it; one minute she wants to go out with me, the next she's telling me to get lost! So, how's waterbending training?
:(''Katara makes an angry noise and flops down on her bed'')
:'''Aang''': Master Poop-head won't teach her because she's a girl.
:'''Sokka''': Why don't you just teach her, Aang?
:'''Katara''': Why didn't I think of that? At night, you can teach me whatever moves you learned from Master Pakku. That way, you have someone to practice with and I get to learn waterbending. Everyone's happy!
:'''Sokka''': I'm not happy.
:'''Katara''': But you're never happy. Come on, Aang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Arnook''': What do you want me to do? Force Master Pakku to take Aang back as his student?
:'''Katara''': Yes! Please.
:'''Arnook''': I suspect he ''might'' change his mind, if you swallow your pride and apologize to him.
:'''Katara''': ''(reluctantly)'' ...Fine.
:'''Pakku''': ''(mockingly)'' I'm waiting, little girl.
:'''Katara''': ''(angrily)'' ''No!'' No way am I apologizing to a sour old man like ''you!''
:'''Aang''': Uh...Katara?
:'''Katara''': I'll be outside if you're man enough to fight me!
:''(Arnook and Yue gasp)''
:'''Aang''': I'm sure she didn't mean that!
:'''Sokka''': Yeah, I think she did.

===The Siege of the North, Part 1===
:''[Katara and Yue observe the Fire Navy ships on the horizon]
:'''Yue''': They've stopped firing.
:'''Katara''': ''[upon seeing Aang flying towards them]'' Aang!
:''[Yue and Katara run over to where Aang has landed Appa. He slides off and sits on the ground, looking scared and exhausted]''
:'''Aang''': I can't do it... ''(to himself)'' I can't do it.
:'''Katara''': What happened?
:'''Aang''': I must have taken out a dozen Fire Navy ships, but there's just too many of them. I can't fight them all!
:'''Yue''': But... you have to! You're the Avatar.
:'''Aang''': I'm just one kid...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Back inside the warriors' base. Hahn and Sokka sharpen their axes against grindstones]''
:'''Hahn''': ''[smugly]'' Let me tell you, Soh-ka, I've courted a lot of girls, but Yue is the finest. And she comes with the most perks.
:'''Sokka''': ''[annoyed]'' PERKS?!! What does ''THAT'' mean?!
:'''Hahn''': I mean, Yue's nice and everything, but the points I'll gain with the chief aren't bad either.
:'''Sokka''': Princess Yue is '''WASTED''' on a self-absorbed weasel like you!
:'''Hahn''': Whoa, hang on. What do ''you'' care? ''[Sokka closes his eyes sorrowfully]'' You're just a simple rube from the Southern Tribe. What would you know of the political complexities of ''our'' life? ''[smirks]'' No offense.
:''[Sokka snaps, screams angrily at Hahn and tackles him; the two begin rolling around on the floor in a struggle]''
:'''Sokka''': You're just a jerk without a '''soul'''! No offense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Katara, Aang and Yue gaze upon the full moon at night]''
:'''Yue''': The legends say the moon was the first waterbender. Our ancestors saw how it pushed and pulled the tides, and learned how to do it themselves.
:'''Katara''': I've always noticed my waterbending is stronger at night.
:'''Yue''': Our strength comes from the spirit of the moon, our life comes from the spirit of the ocean. They work together to keep balance. ''[Aang begins to brighten up]''
:'''Aang''': The spirits... Maybe I can find them and get their help!
:'''Yue''': How can you do that?
:'''Katara''': The Avatar is the bridge between our world and the spirit world. Aang can talk to them!
:'''Yue''': Maybe they'll give you the wisdom to win this battle.
:'''Aang''': Or maybe they'll unleash a crazy amazing spirit attack on the Fire Nation! ''[he looks at both Yue and Katara]'' Or wisdom. That's good, too.

===The Siege of the North, Part 2===
''[Aang enters the home of Koh the Face-Stealer, having been told to show no emotion. Koh suddenly lunges out of the shadows, inches from his face; Aang manages to make his face blank just in time.]''
:'''Koh''': Welcome.
:'''Aang''': Thank you.
:'''Koh''': My old friend, the Avatar. It's been a long time.
:'''Aang''': You...know me?
:'''Koh''': Oh, how could I ever forget you? ''[Changes face to that of an angry-looking man.]'' ONE OF YOUR PREVIOUS INCARNATIONS TRIED TO SLAY ME! It was eight or nine-hundred years ago.
:'''Aang''': I didn't know that. Why did he...or I...try to kill you?
:'''Koh''': ''[Changes face to that of Ummi, Avatar Kuruk's wife.]'' Oh, it was something about stealing the face of someone you loved. ''[Changes face to that of a cackling baboon in an attempt to scare Aang.]'' HA HA HA! ''[It doesn't work and Koh keeps talking, bringing his fanged maw right up behind Aang's ear. ]'' Of course, that's all behind us. Why should I hold a grudge against you for something in a past life? After all, you're a different person now. You've come to me... with a new face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Zhao has captured Tui the Moon Spirit in a bag, causing the Moon to turn red and the Waterbenders to lose their power.]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[to his guards]'' I am a legend, now! The Fire Nation will, for generations, tell stories about the great Zhao, who darkened the moon. They will call me Zhao the Conqueror, Zhao the Moon Slayer, Zhao the Invincible! ''[Momo suddenly lands on Zhao's face and starts pulling on his sideburns]'' Ugh!  Get it off, get it off!
''[Momo flies off and lands on Aang's arm; he, Katara and Sokka assume fighting stances across the bridge from Zhao.]''
:'''Zhao''': Don't bother. ''[he raises his fist, aiming at Tui]''
:'''Aang''': ''[drops his staff]'' Zhao! Don't.
:'''Zhao''': It's my destiny: to destroy the Moon, ''and'' the Water Tribe.
:'''Aang''': Destroying the Moon won't hurt ''just'' the Water Tribe. It will hurt everyone... including you. Without the Moon, everything will fall out of balance! You have no idea what kind of chaos that would unleash on the world!
:'''Iroh''': He is right, Zhao!
:'''Zhao''':  General Iroh. Why am I not surprised to discover your ''treachery?''
:'''Iroh''': ''[sharply]'' I'm no traitor, Zhao. The Fire Nation needs the Moon, too!  We all depend on the balance. ''[takes up a fighting stance]'' Whatever you do to that Spirit, I'll unleash on you ''tenfold!''  Let it go, ''NOW!''
''[Zhao reluctantly returns Tui to its' pool, then yells in fury and Firebends, killing Tui and causing the Moon to vanish. Iroh yells in rage and attacks Zhao and his guards with Firebending; he easily defeats all four of the guards, while Zhao runs away.  Aang and his friends watch, stunned, as Iroh picks up Tui's body.]''
:'''Princess Yue''': ...There's no hope now. It's over.
''[Aang enters the Avatar State]''
:'''Aang''':... No. It's ''not'' over.
''[Aang steps into the Spirit Oasis, fusing with La, the spirit of the Ocean.]''

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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      <comment>/* The Storm */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 1)|1]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 2) |2]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)|3]] | [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Main]] | ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' ([[The Legend of Korra (season 1)|1]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 2)|2]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 3)|3]] [[The Legend of Korra (season 4)|4]])
----
The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===Chapter One:The Boy in the Iceberg[01]===
:''[Boy lifts up the mouth of this big creature.]''
:'''Boy''': Wake up buddy! C'mon boy wake up!
:''[Sokka walks in and gasps]''
:'''Boy''': Yay buddy you're ok!
:'''Sokka''': What is that thing?
:'''Boy''': This is Appa, my flying bison.
:'''Sokka''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Right. And this is Katara, my flying sister.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Katara and Aang giggle as they slide down a snowy hill on penguins.]''
:'''Katara''': I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE I WAS A KID!
:'''Aang''': YOU STILL ARE A KID!
:''[They giggle some more and then they stop in front of a fire nation ship.]''
:'''Aang''': Woah... What's that?
:'''Katara''': A fire nation ship. One of the bad memories of my people.
:''[Aang steps closer to the ship]''
:'''Katara''': Aang don't we aren't allowed to go near it.
:'''Aang''': If you want to be a bender, you have to let go of fear.

===Chapter Two:The Avatar Returns[02]===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': I've spent years preparing for this encounter. Training, meditating...you're just a child!
:'''[[w:Aang|Aang]]''': Well, ''you're'' just a teenager.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': ''(to himself as he chops at the ice holding his feet down)'' I'm just a guy with a boomerang. I didn't ask for all this flying and magic!

===Chapter Three:The Southern Air Temple[03]===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Zuko has challenged Zhao to an Agni Kai]''
:'''Iroh''': Remember your Firebending basics, Prince Zuko.  They are your greatest weapons.
:'''Zuko''': I refuse to let him win. ''[he turns to face Zhao]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[also turns]'' This... will be over quickly.
''[A gong sounds. Zuko strikes first, sending multiple fire blasts from his fists. Zhao dodges or deflects them repeatedly, looking smug.  Zuko launches several flaming kicks, but Zhao blocks them all.]''
:'''Iroh''': ''Basics'', Zuko!  BREAK HIS ROOT!
''[Zhao launches a powerful series of counterattacks, knocking Zuko backward and off his feet. Zhao leaps forward and launches a finishing blow, but Zuko flips upright at the last second, dodging and knocking Zhao's front foot from under him. Iroh grins approvingly as Zuko counterattacks again, forcing the unbalanced Zhao back and finally knocking him down.  Standing over him, Zuko raises his fist]''
:'''Zhao''': ''Do it!''
''[Zuko sends his final fire blast wide, sparing Zhao's life]''
:'''Zhao''': That's it?!  Your father raised a ''coward!''
:'''Zuko''': Next time you get in my way... I promise, I won't hold back.
''[As Zuko walks away, Zhao tries to attack him from behind, but Iroh catches his foot and throws him to the ground.  Zuko starts toward Zhao angrily]''
:'''Iroh''': No, Prince Zuko; do not taint your victory. ''[To Zhao, scornfully]'' So, this is how the great Commander Zhao acts in defeat? ''Disgraceful.'' Even in exile, my nephew is more honorable than ''you''. Thanks again for the tea, it was delicious.
''[Zuko and Iroh leave]''
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, did you really mean that?
:'''Iroh''': Of course! I told you, ginseng tea is my favorite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Aang walks into someplace at the Southern Air Temple and finds it littered with skeletons wearing Fire Nation uniforms)''
:'''Aang''': ''(horrified)'' Firebenders? They were here?
:''(He spots a skeleton wearing Air Nomad robes and the necklace Gyatso used to wear)''
:'''Aang''': ''(sadly)'' Gyatso.
:''(he sinks to his knees and begins crying, Sokka comes in)''
:'''Sokka''': Hey Aang, you find my dinner yet? ''(he sees Aang crying and walks up to him)'' Aang, I wasn't really gonna eat the lemur, okay? ''(he notices Gyatso's skeleton)'' Oh man... Come on, Aang. Everything will be alright. ''(He puts his hand on Aang's shoulder)'' Let's get out of here.
:''(Aang's eyes and tattoos begin to glow white as he enters the Avatar State, Sokka gasps. Back in the sanctuary, the eyes on the statues of the previous Avatar's begin to glow as well, alarming Katara)''
:'''Katara''': Aang! ''(she turns and runs to find Aang)''
:''(The eyes of different Avatar memorials begin to glow throughout the nations, including a temple in the Fire Nation)''
:'''Fire Sage''': Send word to the Fire Lord immediately: The Avatar has returned!
:''(Back at the Southern Air Temple, the wind begins to pick up around Aang)''
:'''Sokka''': Aang, come on! Snap out of it! ''(He yells as he is blown back by a gust of wind created by Aang)''
:''(Aang blows the roof off of the place he and Sokka are in as his bending gets more and more powerful)''
:'''Katara''': ''(to Sokka)'' What happened?!
:'''Sokka''': He found out firebenders killed Gyatso!
:'''Katara''': Oh no! It's his Avatar Spirit. He must have triggered it! I'm gonna try and calm him down!
:'''Sokka''': Well do it! Before he blows us off the mountain!
:''(Katara begins struggling to move towards Aang, and watches as the wind carries him up into the air)''
:'''Katara''': Aang, I know you're upset, and I know how hard it is to lose the people you love! I went through the same thing when I lost my mom! Monk Gyatso and the other airbenders may be gone, but you still have a family! Sokka and I, we're your family now!
:''(Aang begins descending back to the ground, and the wind begins dying down and then stops completely. When he lands, Sokka and Katara walk up behind him)''
:'''Sokka''': Katara and I aren't going to let anything happen to you, promise.
:''(Katara grabs Aang's hand and the light fades from him. He tiredly collapses to the ground and she holds him)''
:'''Aang''': ''(quietly)'' I'm sorry.
:'''Katara''': It's okay. It wasn't your fault.
:'''Aang''': But you were right. And if firebenders found this temple, that means they found the other ones too...I really ''am'' the last airbender...
:''(Katara hugs Aang tighter and Sokka puts his hand on his shoulder)''

===Chapter Four:The Warriors of Kyoshi[04]===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': [''Studying a map detailing reported Avatar sightings scattered around''] How am I going to find him, [[w:Iroh|Uncle]]? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
:[''Cut to [[w:Sokka|Sokka]], looking at a similar map, which is blank'']
:'''[[w:Sokka|Sokka]]''': [''to [[w:Aang|Aang]]''] You have no idea where you're going, do you?
:'''Aang''': Well...I know it's near water [''zooms out to show the ocean below'']
:'''Sokka''': We must be getting close, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': [''straining at his bonds''] Who are you? Where are the men who ambushed us?
:'''Suki''': There were no men. ''We'' ambushed you. Now tell us, who are you and what are you doing here?
:'''Sokka''': Wait a second, there's no way a bunch of girls took us down.
:'''Suki''': A bunch of girls, huh? The unagi's gonna eat well tonight.
:'''Katara''': No, don't hurt him! He didn't mean it. My brother is just an idiot sometimes.

===Chapter Five:The King of Omashu[05]===
:''[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk toward Omashu's gate, but are stopped by the gate guards, one of which positions a rock over Aang's head]''
:'''Gate Guard''': Halt! State your business here.
:'''Aang''': ''[runs up to the guard]'' ''[elderly voice]'' My business is ''my'' business young man and none of yours! I've got a good mind to put you over my knee and paddle your backside!
:'''Gate Guard''': Settle down, old timer. Just tell me who you are.
:'''Aang''': Name's Bonzu... Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis... the Third, and these are my grandkids.
:'''Katara''' [''now smiling serenely'']: Hi, June Pippenpaddle-Oppsocopolis. Nice to meet you.
:'''Gate Gaurd''': ''[to Katara]'' You seem like a responsible young lady. See to it that your grandfather stays out of trouble. Enjoy Omashu.
:''[Aang, Katara and Sokka walk to the gate until the guard stops Sokka]''
:'''Gate Guard''': ''[places a hand on Sokka's shoulder]'' Wait a minute... ''[Sokka becomes nervous]'' ...you're a strong young man. Show some respect for the elderly and carry your grandfather's bag!
:'''Aang''': Good idea! ''[throws Sokka his bag]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Bumi''': Tomorrow the Avatar will face three deadly challenges. But for now, the guards will show you to your chamber.
:'''Guard''': My liege, do you mean the good chamber, or the bad chamber?
:'''King Bumi''': The newly refurbished chamber.
:'''Guard''': Wait, which one are we talking about?
:'''King Bumi''': The one that used to be the bad chamber, until the recent refurbishing that is. Of course, we've been calling it the new chamber, but we really should number them. Uh, take them to the refurbished chamber that was once bad!

===Chapter Six:Imprisoned[06]===
:'''Katara''': Earthbenders! You don't know me, but I know of you. Every child of my water tribe village was rocked to sleep with stories of the brave Earth Kingdom and the courageous earthbenders who guard its borders. Some of you may think that the Fire Nation has made you powerless. Yes, they have taken away your ability to bend, but they can't take away your courage and it is your courage they should truly fear! Because it runs deeper than any mine you've been forced to dig, any ocean that keeps you far from home. It is the strength of your hearts that make you who you are, hearts that will remain unbroken when all rock and stone has eroded away. The time to fight back is now! I can tell you the Avatar has returned! So remember your courage, earthbenders, let us fight for our freedom!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warden''': Tell me exactly what you saw.
:'''Captain''': Well, Sir, it looked like a flying bison.
:'''Warden''': A what?
:'''Guard''': It was a giant flying buffalo, Sir, with an empty saddle.
:'''Warden''': Which was it? A buffalo or a bison?
:'''Captain''': Uh, I'm not sure what the difference is, but that's not really the point is it, Sir?
:'''Warden''': ''[angry]'' I'll decide what the point is, fool!
:''[Warden throws the Captain over the railing. A scream trails off into nothing as a splash of water is heard. Cut back to the Warden and the remaining guard]''
:'''Warden''': You! Wake up the Captain. Search the entire rig!
:'''Guard''': Sir?
:'''Warden''': What!?
:'''Guard''': That was the Captain you just threw overboard, sir. So…
:'''Warden''': Then wake up someone I haven't thrown overboard and search the rig! There's something going on here and I don't like it.

===Winter Solstice, Part 1: The Spirit World===
:'''[[w:Zuko|Zuko]]''': ''[To a bathing Iroh]'' Enough. we need to leave now! Get out of the water.
:'''Iroh''': Very well. ''[stands up]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[Looks away in horror and disgust]'' On second thought, why don't you take another few minutes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in 42 minutes later logo]''
:'''Aang''': Perhaps to sit in the cloud starts to sing?
:'''Sokka''': Oh, no! Aang, get out of here, the Azula coming.
:'''Katara''': Aang, don't singing do this! It's dangerous in there!
:'''Aang''': ''[sings with a guitar] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K-- [screams with falls off the cloud then splashes the water]''
:'''Zuko''': Ha-ha! Busted, Avatar!
:'''Azula''': What's this Avatar Aang? ''[to Aang]'' Guards, ''[points Aang]'' tied it up! Right Commander Zhao?
:'''Aang''': What?! '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!''''' ''[wokes up in screams and gasps]''
:'''Katara''': What's wrong?
:'''Sokka''': What's going on?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Aang calms the spirit of the forest, Sokka and other villagers are brought back]''
:'''Katara''': Sokka!
:''[Katara runs to Sokka and hugs him]''
:'''Sokka''': What happened?
:'''Katara''': You were in the spirit world for 24 hours. How do you feel?
:'''Sokka''': Like I seriously have to use the bathroom! ''[runs off]''

===Winter Solstice, Part 2: Avatar Roku===
:'''Sokka''': ''[Appa licks Sokka]'' EW!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iroh''': Sailing into Fire Nation Waters... Of all the foolish things you've done in your 16 years, Prince Zuko, this is the most foolish!
:'''Zuko''': I have no choice, Uncle.
:'''Iroh''': Have you completely forgotten that the Fire Lord banished you! What if you are caught?
:'''Zuko''': I'm chasing the Avatar, my father will understand why I'm returning home.
:'''Iroh''': You give him too much credit. My brother is not the understanding type!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': Sokka! You're a genius! 
:'''Aang''': Wait. How is Sokka a genius? His plan didn't even work! 
:'''Sokka''': Come on, Aang. Let her dream. 
:'''Katara''': You're right, Sokka's plan didn't work. But it ''looks'' like it did. 
:'''Aang''': Did the definition of 'genius' change in the last hundred years?

===The Waterbending Scroll ===
:'''Katara''': Aang, this is all my fault.
:'''Aang''': No, Katara, it's not.
:'''Iroh''': Yeah, it kind of is. ''[Katara glares at him]''
:'''Zuko''': Give me the boy.
:'''Pirate Captain''': You give ''us'' the scroll.
:'''Sokka''': You're really gonna hand over the Avatar for a stupid piece of parchment?
:'''Zuko''': ''[to the Pirate Captain]''  Don't listen to him! He's trying to turn us against each other.
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''[to Sokka]''  Your friend is the Avatar?
:'''Sokka''': Sure is, and I'll bet he'll fetch a lot more on the black market then that fancy scroll.
:'''Zuko''': Shut your mouth, you Water Tribe peasant!
:'''Aang''': ''[sternly]'' Yeah, Sokka. You really should shut your mouth...
:'''Sokka''': ''[still trying to con the pirates]'' I'm just sayin', it's bad business sense. Just imagine how much the Fire Lord would pay for the Avatar. You guys would be set for life!
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''Keep'' the scroll. We can buy a ''hundred'' with the reward we'll get from the kid. ''[turns away]''
:'''Zuko''': ''[menacingly]'' You'll regret going back on a deal with ''me.''
''[He launches a fire burst, then the Fire Nation soldiers and pirates attack each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pirate Captain and Zuko are fighting]''
:'''Iroh''': Are you so busy fighting you cannot see your own ship has set sail?
:'''Zuko''': We have no time for your proverbs, Uncle!
:'''Iroh''': It's no proverb.  ''[Aang and others getting away in pirate ship]''
:'''Pirate Captain''': ''[shocked]'' Bleeding hog monkeys! ''[Zuko laughs; the pirates laugh as they drift after Aang and his friends]''
:'''Zuko''': Hey! That's ''my'' boat! ''[runs after them]''
:'''Iroh''':  Maybe it should be a proverb.

===Jet===
''[Aang complains about walking]''
:'''Katara''': ''[mockingly]'' Well, I don't know, Aang. Why don't you ask Sokka's instincts? They seem to know ''everything!''
:'''Sokka''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha ha, very funny.
:'''Aang''': I'm ''tired'' of carrying this pack.
:'''Katara''': You know who you should ask to carry it for awhile? Sokka's instincts!
:'''Aang''': Hey, that's a great idea! Hey! Sokka's instincts! Would you mind--?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jet is threatening an elderly man]''
:'''Old man''': Let me go! Have mercy!
:'''Jet''': Does the Fire Nation let people go? Does the Fire Nation have mercy?
''[He tries to kick the old man in the head; Sokka restrains him]''
:'''Sokka''': Jet, stop! He's just an old man!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': But we thought you were going to the dam. How come you went to the town instead?
:'''Katara''': Let me guess, Your instincts told you?
:'''Sokka''': Hey, sometimes they're right.
:'''Aang''': Uh, Sokka, you know we're going the wrong way right?
:'''Sokka''' And sometimes they're wrong.

===The Great Divide===
:'''Katara''': Sokka, you're supposed to put the tarp on ''top'' of the tent. You know, so we don't get rained on?
:'''Sokka''': Ordinarily you'd be right, but seeing as it's the dry season, you're not. Besides, that tarp makes a pretty warm blanket.
:'''Katara''': But what if it does rain?
:'''Sokka''': What if it doesn't? Then I would've put the tarp up for nothing.
:'''Katara''': Arrgh! You're infuriating!
:'''Sokka''': Katara, why don't you worry about gathering the firewood, cause that kindling's looking pretty sorry.
:'''Katara''': Well if you don't like my firewood...!
:''[throws twigs at Sokka]''
:'''Sokka''': Fine by me! If you're not gonna do your job...!
:''[pulls down tent]''
:'''Aang''': Okay, guys, I got the grub if you guys got the... Hey, where's the campfire? And what happened to the tent?
:'''Sokka''': Why don't you ask Miss Know-It-All, queen of the twigs.
:'''Katara''': Oh, yeah, well you're Mr. Lazy Bum, king of the... ''[picks up a twig and throws it at Sokka]'' ...tents!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': That's some luck you knew Jin Wai and Wai Jin.
:'''Aang''': You could call it luck... Or you could call it lying.
:'''Sokka''': What?!
:'''Aang''': I made the whole thing up.
:'''Katara''': ''[shocked]'' You did not! ''[then, in devilish admiration]'' That is so wrong.

===The Storm===
:''[After Aang tells the story of how he got frozen in the iceberg]''
:'''Katara''': You ran away.
:'''Aang''': ''[looking  at Katara]'' And then the Fire Nation attacked our temple. My people needed me, and I wasn't there to help.
:'''Katara''': You don't know what would've...
:'''Aang''': The world needed me, and I wasn't there to help!
:'''Katara''': Aang?
:'''Aang''': The fisherman was right. I ''did'' turn my back on the world.
:'''Katara''': You're being too hard on yourself. Even if you did run away, I think it was meant to be. If you stayed, you would have been killed with all the other airbenders.
:'''Aang''': ''[downcast]'' You don't know that.
:'''Katara''': I know it's meant to be this way. The world needs you now. You give people hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Iroh tells the story of how Zuko was burned by his father]''
:'''Lt. Jee''':  I always thought that... Prince Zuko was in a training accident.
:'''Iroh''': It was no accident.  After the duel, the Fire Lord said that by refusing to fight, Zuko had shown shameful weakness. As punishment, he was banished and sent to capture the Avatar. Only then could he return with his honor.
:'''Lt. Jee''': So that's why he's so obsessed. Capturing the Avatar is his only chance he has of things returning to normal.
:'''Iroh''': Things will never return to normal, but the important thing is, the Avatar gives Zuko hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Iroh''': I looked way.

===The Blue Spirit===
:'''Zhao:''' So, this the great Avatar, master of all the elements. I don't know ''how'' you managed to elude the Fire Nation for a hundred years. But your little game of hide-and-seek... is over.
:'''Aang:''' I've never hidden from you. Untie me and I'll fight you right now!
:'''Zhao:''' Uh, no. Tell me, how does it feel to be the only Airbender left? Do you miss your people? Oh, don't worry. You won't be killed like they were. See, if you die, you'll just be [[w:Korra|reborn]], and the Fire Nation will have to continue its hunt for the Avatar all over again. So I'll keep you alive... but just ''barely.''
''[As he leaves the room, Aang airbends with his breath, knocking Zhao off his feet]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[angrily]'' Blow all the wind you want, but your situation is futile. There is no escaping this fortress, and ''no one'' is coming to rescue you.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Aang:''' You know what the worst part of being born over a hundred years ago is? I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started, I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had, and he was from the Fire Nation just like you. If we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends too?
:''[After a pause, Zuko launches a fire blast at Aang, who easily dodges it. Zuko's expression softens slightly as he watches Aang escape.]''

===The Fortuneteller===
:'''Sokka''': You can't ''really'' tell the future.
:'''Katara''': I guess you're not ''really'' getting wet then.
:''[Platypus bear egg flies out of Sokka's hands]''
:'''Sokka''': Ah ah aha ah ah ''[starts gibbering]'' Of course she predicted it was gonna rain. The sky's been gray all day!
:'''Katara''': Just admit you might be wrong and you can come under the umbrella.
:'''Sokka''': Look, I'm gonna predict the future now. It's going to keep drizzling. See?
:''[Rain stops and becomes sunny]''
:'''Aang''': Not everyone has the gift, Sokka.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': I can't believe all these saps! Someone ''really'' needs to scream some sense into these people.
:'''Aang''': They seem happy, Sokka.
:'''Sokka''': Not for long. I'm gonna prove to them Aunt Wu's predictions are nonsense. ''(he turns to a villager)'' Hey, you! I bet Aunt Wu told you to wear those red slippers, right?
:'''Villager''': Yeah. She said I'd meet my true love wearing red slippers.
:'''Sokka''' ''[slyly]'': Uh-huh. And how many times have you worn those shoes since you got that fortune?
:'''Villager''': Every day.
:'''Sokka''' ''[angrily]'': THEN OF COURSE IT'S GONNA COME TRUE!
:'''Villager''' ''[excitedly]'': Really?! You think so?! I'm so excited!

===Bato of the Water Tribe===
:'''Zuko''': ''(pushing through a crowd)'' Out of my way! Step aside, filth!
:'''Iroh''': He means no offense! I'm certain you bathe regularly...
:'''Zuko''': ''(to June)'' I need to talk to you.
:'''June''': Well, if it isn't my new friends, Angry Boy and Uncle Lazy.
:''(Iroh laughs heartily for a moment)''
:'''Zuko''': Your beast trashed my ship. You have to pay me back!
:'''June''': ''(collecting her winnings from a game)'' Well, I'd love to help you out, but I'm a little short on money. ''(to the crowd)'' Drinks on me! ''(the crowd cheers)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''': ''(shows June Katara's necklace)''
:'''June''': ''(smirking)'' What happened? Your girlfriend run off on you? 
:'''Zuko''': It's not the girl I'm after, it's the bald monk she's traveling with.
:'''June''': Whatever you say...
:'''Zuko''': If you find them, I'll consider the damage to my ship paid for.
:'''June''': Heh. Forget it.
:'''Iroh''': Plus, we'll pay your weight in gold.
:'''June''': ''(smiling)'' Make it ''your'' weight, and we got a deal.  
:'''Iroh''': ''(laughs)'' You got it!  

===The Deserter===
:''[Aang attempts to convince Jeong Jeong to teach him firebending]''
:'''Aang''': Master, I need to learn firebending. 
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Only a fool seeks his own destruction.
:'''Aang''': ''[sits down]'' I'm the Avatar. It's my destiny to— ''[Jeong Jeong cuts off Aang's sentence]''
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Destiny? What would a boy know of destiny?! If a fish lives its whole life in this river, does he know the river's destiny? No! Only that it runs on and on out of his control. He may follow where it flows, but he cannot see the end. He cannot imagine the ocean.
:'''Aang''': ''[feels unsure]'' Okay... But it's the Avatar's duty to master all of the bending disciplines.
:'''Jeong Jeong''': To master the bending disciplines, you must first master discipline itself. But you have no interest in this, so I have no interest in ''you''. Now, get out.
:'''Aang''': Please, I have to learn. This could be my only chance. ''[Jeong Jeong lashes back at Aang]''
:'''Jeong Jeong''': '''Are you deaf?!''' How can I teach you if you refuse to listen?! Before learning firebending, you must learn water and earth. Water is cool and soothing. Earth is steady and stable. But fire... fire is alive. It breathes, it grows. Without the bender, a rock will not throw itself! But fire will spread and destroy everything in its path if one does not have the will to control it! That is its destiny! You are not ready! You are too '''weak!'''
:''[the candles suddenly burn out and relight to show Avatar Roku standing before Jeong Jeong]''
:'''Roku''': You think I am weak?
:'''Jeong Jeong''': Avatar Roku! No, no! ''[bowing his head in respect]'' I did not mean that!
:'''Roku''': I have mastered the elements a thousand times in a thousand lifetimes. Now, I must do it once again. You ''will'' teach the Avatar firebending.
:'''Jeong Jeong''': ''[coming out of his vision]'' Yes, yes... I will teach you.
:'''Aang''': Really? That's great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': ''[Katara begins 2 crying]'' Katara, what's wrong?! What do you do?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': ''[having dodged a series of blasts from Zhao on several ships]'' You've lost this battle.
:'''Zhao''': ''[enraged disbelief]'' Are you crazy? You haven't thrown a single blow!
:'''Aang''': No, but you have ''[he gestures around, all the boats are on fire and sinking]'' Jeong Jeong said you had no restraint.

===The Northern Air Temple===
:(''approaching the Northern Air Temple'')
:'''Katara''': (''to Sokka, excited'') Do you think we'll really find airbenders?
:'''Sokka''': Do you want me to be like you or totally honest?
:'''Katara''': Are you saying I'm a liar?
:'''Sokka''': I'm saying you're an optimist. Same thing, basically.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': What about meeting with a... ''[KATARA SWALLOWERS THE BUGS]'' Bleech! Bug, bug! ''[chokes]'' That was a bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': (referring to a statue of a monk) It's nice to see one part of the temple that isn't ruined.
:'''Mechanist''': Look out! (''A giant boulder swings through and destroys the statue'') What the doodle? Don't you know enough to stay away from construction sites? We have to make room for the bathhouse!
:'''Aang''': ''(angrily)'' Do you know what you did!? You just destroyed something sacred! For a stupid bathhouse! 
:'''Mechanist''': Well, people around here are starting to stink.
:'''Aang''': This whole place stinks!

===The Waterbending Master===
:'''Katara''': How's warrior training going?
:(''Sokka makes an angry noise and flops down on his bed'')
:'''Aang''': That bad?
:'''Sokka''': No, it's Princess Yue. I don't get it; one minute she wants to go out with me, the next she's telling me to get lost! So, how's waterbending training?
:(''Katara makes an angry noise and flops down on her bed'')
:'''Aang''': Master Poop-head won't teach her because she's a girl.
:'''Sokka''': Why don't you just teach her, Aang?
:'''Katara''': Why didn't I think of that? At night, you can teach me whatever moves you learned from Master Pakku. That way, you have someone to practice with and I get to learn waterbending. Everyone's happy!
:'''Sokka''': I'm not happy.
:'''Katara''': But you're never happy. Come on, Aang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Arnook''': What do you want me to do? Force Master Pakku to take Aang back as his student?
:'''Katara''': Yes! Please.
:'''Arnook''': I suspect he ''might'' change his mind, if you swallow your pride and apologize to him.
:'''Katara''': ''(reluctantly)'' ...Fine.
:'''Pakku''': ''(mockingly)'' I'm waiting, little girl.
:'''Katara''': ''(angrily)'' ''No!'' No way am I apologizing to a sour old man like ''you!''
:'''Aang''': Uh...Katara?
:'''Katara''': I'll be outside if you're man enough to fight me!
:''(Arnook and Yue gasp)''
:'''Aang''': I'm sure she didn't mean that!
:'''Sokka''': Yeah, I think she did.

===The Siege of the North, Part 1===
:''[Katara and Yue observe the Fire Navy ships on the horizon]
:'''Yue''': They've stopped firing.
:'''Katara''': ''[upon seeing Aang flying towards them]'' Aang!
:''[Yue and Katara run over to where Aang has landed Appa. He slides off and sits on the ground, looking scared and exhausted]''
:'''Aang''': I can't do it... ''(to himself)'' I can't do it.
:'''Katara''': What happened?
:'''Aang''': I must have taken out a dozen Fire Navy ships, but there's just too many of them. I can't fight them all!
:'''Yue''': But... you have to! You're the Avatar.
:'''Aang''': I'm just one kid...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Back inside the warriors' base. Hahn and Sokka sharpen their axes against grindstones]''
:'''Hahn''': ''[smugly]'' Let me tell you, Soh-ka, I've courted a lot of girls, but Yue is the finest. And she comes with the most perks.
:'''Sokka''': ''[annoyed]'' PERKS?!! What does ''THAT'' mean?!
:'''Hahn''': I mean, Yue's nice and everything, but the points I'll gain with the chief aren't bad either.
:'''Sokka''': Princess Yue is '''WASTED''' on a self-absorbed weasel like you!
:'''Hahn''': Whoa, hang on. What do ''you'' care? ''[Sokka closes his eyes sorrowfully]'' You're just a simple rube from the Southern Tribe. What would you know of the political complexities of ''our'' life? ''[smirks]'' No offense.
:''[Sokka snaps, screams angrily at Hahn and tackles him; the two begin rolling around on the floor in a struggle]''
:'''Sokka''': You're just a jerk without a '''soul'''! No offense!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Katara, Aang and Yue gaze upon the full moon at night]''
:'''Yue''': The legends say the moon was the first waterbender. Our ancestors saw how it pushed and pulled the tides, and learned how to do it themselves.
:'''Katara''': I've always noticed my waterbending is stronger at night.
:'''Yue''': Our strength comes from the spirit of the moon, our life comes from the spirit of the ocean. They work together to keep balance. ''[Aang begins to brighten up]''
:'''Aang''': The spirits... Maybe I can find them and get their help!
:'''Yue''': How can you do that?
:'''Katara''': The Avatar is the bridge between our world and the spirit world. Aang can talk to them!
:'''Yue''': Maybe they'll give you the wisdom to win this battle.
:'''Aang''': Or maybe they'll unleash a crazy amazing spirit attack on the Fire Nation! ''[he looks at both Yue and Katara]'' Or wisdom. That's good, too.

===The Siege of the North, Part 2===
''[Aang enters the home of Koh the Face-Stealer, having been told to show no emotion. Koh suddenly lunges out of the shadows, inches from his face; Aang manages to make his face blank just in time.]''
:'''Koh''': Welcome.
:'''Aang''': Thank you.
:'''Koh''': My old friend, the Avatar. It's been a long time.
:'''Aang''': You...know me?
:'''Koh''': Oh, how could I ever forget you? ''[Changes face to that of an angry-looking man.]'' ONE OF YOUR PREVIOUS INCARNATIONS TRIED TO SLAY ME! It was eight or nine-hundred years ago.
:'''Aang''': I didn't know that. Why did he...or I...try to kill you?
:'''Koh''': ''[Changes face to that of Ummi, Avatar Kuruk's wife.]'' Oh, it was something about stealing the face of someone you loved. ''[Changes face to that of a cackling baboon in an attempt to scare Aang.]'' HA HA HA! ''[It doesn't work and Koh keeps talking, bringing his fanged maw right up behind Aang's ear. ]'' Of course, that's all behind us. Why should I hold a grudge against you for something in a past life? After all, you're a different person now. You've come to me... with a new face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Zhao has captured Tui the Moon Spirit in a bag, causing the Moon to turn red and the Waterbenders to lose their power.]''
:'''Zhao''': ''[to his guards]'' I am a legend, now! The Fire Nation will, for generations, tell stories about the great Zhao, who darkened the moon. They will call me Zhao the Conqueror, Zhao the Moon Slayer, Zhao the Invincible! ''[Momo suddenly lands on Zhao's face and starts pulling on his sideburns]'' Ugh!  Get it off, get it off!
''[Momo flies off and lands on Aang's arm; he, Katara and Sokka assume fighting stances across the bridge from Zhao.]''
:'''Zhao''': Don't bother. ''[he raises his fist, aiming at Tui]''
:'''Aang''': ''[drops his staff]'' Zhao! Don't.
:'''Zhao''': It's my destiny: to destroy the Moon, ''and'' the Water Tribe.
:'''Aang''': Destroying the Moon won't hurt ''just'' the Water Tribe. It will hurt everyone... including you. Without the Moon, everything will fall out of balance! You have no idea what kind of chaos that would unleash on the world!
:'''Iroh''': He is right, Zhao!
:'''Zhao''':  General Iroh. Why am I not surprised to discover your ''treachery?''
:'''Iroh''': ''[sharply]'' I'm no traitor, Zhao. The Fire Nation needs the Moon, too!  We all depend on the balance. ''[takes up a fighting stance]'' Whatever you do to that Spirit, I'll unleash on you ''tenfold!''  Let it go, ''NOW!''
''[Zhao reluctantly returns Tui to its' pool, then yells in fury and Firebends, killing Tui and causing the Moon to vanish. Iroh yells in rage and attacks Zhao and his guards with Firebending; he easily defeats all four of the guards, while Zhao runs away.  Aang and his friends watch, stunned, as Iroh picks up Tui's body.]''
:'''Princess Yue''': ...There's no hope now. It's over.
''[Aang enters the Avatar State]''
:'''Aang''':... No. It's ''not'' over.
''[Aang steps into the Spirit Oasis, fusing with La, the spirit of the Ocean.]''

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Avatar: The Last Airbender (season 3)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T23:32:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1007:B02B:FD7D:940C:BEB8:7C78:252A</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Nightmares and Daydreams */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55420" xml:space="preserve">The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''.

===The Awakening===
:''(Bato and Hakoda are talking, Katara runs up with tears in her eyes)''
:'''Bato''': I'll leave you two alone.
:''(Bato walks away)''
:'''Hakoda''': What's wrong, Katara?
:'''Katara''': He left!
:'''Hakoda''': What?
:'''Katara''': Aang! He just took his glider and disappeared. He has this ridiculous notion that he has to save the world alone, that it's all his responsibility!
:'''Hakoda''': Maybe that's his way of being brave.
:'''Katara''': It's not brave, it's selfish and stupid! We could be helping him, and I know the world needs him but doesn't he know how much that we need him too? How could he just leave us behind?!
:'''Hakoda''': You're talking about me too, aren't you?
:'''Katara''': ''(sobbing)'' How could you leave us, Dad? I mean, I know we had Gran Gran and she loved us but...but we were just so lost without you...
:'''Hakoda''': I'm so sorry, Katara.
:'''Katara''': ''(embracing her father)'' I understand why you left, I really do, and I know that you had to go. So...why do I still feel this way? I'm so sad and angry... and hurt.
:'''Hakoda''': I love you more than anything. You and your brother are my entire world. I thought about you every day I was gone, and every night, when I went to sleep, I would lie awake missing you so much it would ache.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Aang clutches to a piece of driftwood after losing his glider and being stuck in the ocean)''
:'''Aang''': I'm not gonna make it... I failed.
:''(Roku appears in a flash of lightning)''
:'''Aang''': Roku?
:'''Roku''': You haven't failed, Aang.
:'''Aang''': But everyone thinks I'm dead again... they think I've abandoned them. And I'm losing this war...I'm letting the whole world down.
:'''Roku''': If anyone is to blame for the state of the world, it is me. I should have seen this war coming, and prevented it. You inherited my problems...and my mistakes. But I believe you are destined to redeem me, and save the world.
:'''Aang''': I don't know...
:''(A beam of light shines over Aang and Yue appears in front of the moon)''
:'''Yue''': You already saved the world. And you'll save the world again. But you can't give up.
:'''Aang''': You're right, I ''won't'' give up.
:''(Aang creates a giant wave and uses the driftwood to begin surfing towards the Fire Nation, Yue increases the size of the wave and then recedes back into the moon)''
:''(In the next scene, Aang wakes up on a volcanic island with Momo on his chest. The rest of Team Avatar are running towards him with Katara in front)''
:'''Katara''': You're okay!
:''(Katara runs up and hugs Aang first, and is then followed by the rest of the group)
:'''Aang''': I have so much to do.
:'''Katara''': I know, but you'll have our help.
:'''Toph''': ''(jokingly)'' You didn't think you could get out of training just by coming to the Fire Nation did you?
:'''Aang''': What about the invasion?
:'''Sokka''': We'll join up with my dad and the invasion force on the day of the eclipse.
:'''Toph''': Hey! What's... ''(Toph grabs the broken shard of Aang's glider that washed up on shore)'' Oh, it's your glider.
:'''Aang''': That's okay. If someone saw it, it would give away my identity. It's better for now that no one knows I'm alive.
:''(Aang uses his airbending to leap up to a higher ledge on the island. He holds his glider and looks down at the lava covered rock, and then plunges his glider into the ground, where it begins to burn as he jumps away.)''

===The Headband===
:'''Headmaster:''' Thank you for coming, Mr. and Mrs...
:'''Sokka:''' Fire. Wang Fire. This is my wife Sapphire.
:'''Katara:''' Sapphire Fire, nice to meet you. 
:'''Headmaster:''' Mr. and Mrs.... Fire, your son has been enrolled here for two days, and he's already causing problems. He's argued with his history teacher, disrupted music class, and roughed up my star pupil.
:'''Katara:''' ''(in shock)'' My goodness, that doesn't sound like our Kuzon.
:'''Headmaster:''' That's what would any mother could say, Ma'am, nonetheless you're forewarned. If he acts up one more, I'll have him sent to reform school ''[standing up for emphasis]''! By which I mean the coal mines. Are we clear?
:'''Sokka:''' Don't you worry, Mr. Headmaster! I'll straighten the boy up with something fierce! ''(in a fierce tone)'' YOUNG MAN, AS SOON AS WE GET HOME, YOU'RE GONNA GET THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!
:'''Headmaster:''' That's what I like to hear.
:''[Aang, Katara, and Sokka leave; with Sokka walking in a manly-like manner]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''' ''(wearing his fake mustache)'': That's it! No more school for you, young man! ''(strokes his mustache)''
:'''Aang''': I'm not ready to leave yet. I'm having fun for once, just being a normal kid. You don't know what it's like, Sokka. ''You'' get to be normal all the time.
:'''Toph''': Ha ha. ''(Sokka narrows his eyes at Toph)''
:'''Aang''': Listen, guys, those kids are the future of the Fire Nation. If we want to change this place for the better, we need to show them a little of freedom.
:'''Sokka''': What could you ''possibly'' do for a country of depraved little fire monsters?
:'''Aang''': I'm gonna throw them... a secret dance party! ''(Aang does a silly little dance, and everybody stares at him)''
:'''Sokka''' ''(adult voice)'': Go to your room!

===The Painted Lady===
:'''Doc''': You know, you're ''(Katara)'' not so bad for a Waterbender.
:'''Sokka''': Yeah, you wouldn't mind keeping that a secret, would you?
:'''Doc''': No problem. Keeping my mouth shut is a specialty. But my brother, Shu on the other hand, oh, he's a blabbermouth! ''(Sokka slaps himself in the head)''
:'''Katara''': So, Doc, you ready to clean this river?
:'''Doc''': No, ma'am. I'm gonna get my other brother, Bushi. He loves cleaning rivers! ''(takes off his first hat and reveals another hat beneath)'' All right, I'm Bushi! Let's get to some river cleaning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''' ''(to the Painted Lady)'': I'm the Avatar! ''(he jumps down in front of her)''
:'''Katara''': ''(mysterious voice)'': Well, hello, Avatar. I wish I could talk, but I am very busy.
:'''Aang''': Yeah, me too; I hate that. ''(he looks at the Painted Lady, Katara tries to hide her face with her hat)'' You know, you're real pretty for a spirit. I don't get to meet many spirits. But the ones I ''do'' meet? Not very attractive. ''(Katara chuckles nervously)''
:'''Katara''': Thank you, but-
:'''Aang''': You seem familiar. ''(he looks at the Painted Lady again, but Katara still hides her face with her hat)''
:'''Katara''': A lot of people say that.
:'''Aang''': No. You ''really'' seem familiar.
:'''Katara''': Look, I really should get going. ''(Aang Airbends her hat off, Katara grabs it, and turns away)''
:'''Aang''': Katara?
:'''Katara''' ''(turning to face Aang; regretfully)'': Hi, Aang.
:'''Aang''' ''(points at Katara)'': ''You're'' the Painted Lady?! But how?
:'''Katara''': I wasn't at first. But since that's who everybody thought I was, I guess I kinda became her. ''(she drops her hat)''

===Sokka's Master===
:'''Sokka''': ''(referring to the bright stars overhead)'' It kinda makes you realize how insignificant we all are.
:'''Toph''': Meh, if you've seen nothing once, you've seen it a thousand times.
:''(a bright meteor suddenly heads earthward)''
:'''Sokka''': Oh, man! You've NEVER not seen anything like this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': Sokka's coming! ''(sits up excitedly then tries to look casual about it)'' 
:'''Sokka''': Hey guys. How ya doin? ''(they all hug him)'' 
:'''Aang''': Sokka!
:'''Toph''': You're back!
:'''Katara''': We missed you so much.
:'''Aang''': Say something funny!
:'''Sokka''': Funny how? ''(Aang and Katara start laughing)'' What's their deal?
:'''Toph''': ''(turns away trying to seem casual)'' I don't know. They missed you or something... ''(blushes)'' I didn't care.
:'''Sokka''': Thanks. That warms my heart.

===The Beach===
:'''Ty Lee''': Thank goodness you're here, Azula.  These boys won't leave me alone.  I think they all just like me too much!
:'''Azula''': Oh come on, Ty Lee, you can't be this ignorant.
:'''Ty Lee''': What are you talking about?
:'''Azula''': Those boys only like you because you make it so easy for them.  You're not a challenge, you're a tease.  It's not like they actually care who you are.
:''(Ty Lee starts crying)''
:'''Azula''': Okay, okay, calm down.  I didn't mean what I said. Look, maybe I just said it, because I'm a little... ''(whispers)'' jealous.
:'''Ty Lee''': What? ''You're'' jealous of ''me''?  But you're the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world!
:'''Azula''': Well, you're right about all those things, but for some reason when I meet boys, they act as if I'm going to do something horrible to them.
:'''Ty Lee''': ''[chuckles]'' But you probably ''would'' do something horrible to them.  I'm sure they're just intimidated by you. Okay, look. If you want a boy to like you, just look at him, and smile a lot, and laugh at everything he says, even if it's not funny.
:'''Azula''': Well, that sounds really shallow and stupid... Let's try it!
:'''Ty Lee''': Okay. ''[puts on a boyish voice]'' Hey there, sweet sugar-cakes. How ya likin' this party?
:''[Azula does a loud and exaggerated laugh, getting everyone's attention]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': ''[shocked]'' How broke my Nana's vase?! That's it! You're outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zuko tosses a portrait of him, his parents and Azula on the campfire]''
:'''Ty Lee''': (''startled'') What are you doing?
:'''Zuko''': What does it look like I'm doing?
:'''Ty Lee''':  But... it's a portrait of your ''family''.
:'''Zuko''': You think I care?
:'''Ty Lee''': I think you do-
:'''Zuko''': You don't know me, so why don't you just mind your own business?!
:'''Ty Lee''': ...I know you.
:'''Zuko''': No, you ''don't!''  You're stuck in your little Ty Lee world, where everything is ''great'' all the time!
:'''Mai''': Zuko, leave her alone.
:'''Zuko''': &quot;I'm so pretty, look at me!  I can walk on my hands! Woo!&quot; (''flops down in the sand, facing away'') Circus freak!
:''[Azula snickers]''
:'''Ty Lee''': (''tearful and angry'')  Yes, I'm a circus freak!  Go ahead and laugh all you want!  You wanna know why I joined the circus?
:'''Azula''':  Here we go...
:'''Ty Lee''':  Do you have any ''idea'' what my home life was like, growing up with six sisters who looked ''exactly'' like me?!  It was like, I didn't even have my own name!  I joined the circus because I was scared of spending the rest of my life as a matched set!  At least I'm different now! &quot;Circus Freak&quot; is a ''compliment!''
:'''Mai''':  I guess that explains why you need ten ''boyfriends'', too.
:'''Ty Lee''': I'm sorry, ''what?''
:'''Mai''':  Attention issues?  You couldn't get enough attention when you were a kid, so you're trying to make up for it now.
:'''Ty Lee''':   Well, what's ''your'' excuse, Mai?  You were an only child for ''fifteen'' years, but even with all that attention, your aura is just this dingy, pale, grey-
:'''Mai''':  I don't believe in ''auras''.
:'''Zuko''': Yeah... you don't believe in ''anything''.
:'''Mai''':  (''sarcastically'') Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't be as crazy and high-strung as the rest of you.
:'''Zuko''': I'm sorry, too; I wish you ''would'' be high-strung and crazy for once, instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside.  She just called your aura dingy, are you gonna take that?
:'''Mai''': What do you ''want'' from me?  You want a teary confession about how ''bad'' my childhood was?  Well, it wasn't.  I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted... as long as I behaved.  And sat still.  And didn't speak unless spoken to.  My mother said I had to keep out of trouble.  We had my dad's political career to think about.
:'''Azula''':  Well, that's it then: you had a controlling mother with certain expectations, and if you ''strayed'' from them, you were shut down.  That's why you're afraid to care about anything... and why you can't express yourself.
:'''Mai''': (''stands up, angry'')  You want me to express myself? ''LEAVE ME ALONE!''

===The Avatar and the Fire Lord===
:'''Zuko''': ''[confronting Iroh in his cell]''  ''You'' sent this, didn't you?!  I found the &quot;Secret History&quot;- which, by the way, should be re-named the &quot;History Most People Already Know!&quot; The note said I needed to know about my great-grandfather's death, but he was still alive in the end!
:'''Iroh''': No.  He wasn't.
:'''Zuko''': What are you talking about?
:'''Iroh''': You have more than one great-grandfather, Prince Zuko. Sozin was your father's grandfather. Your ''mother's'' grandfather was Avatar Roku.
:'''Zuko''': ''(in shock)'' Why are you telling me this?!
:'''Iroh''': Because understanding the struggle between your two great-grandfathers can help you better understand the battle within yourself. ''[Zuko drops to his knees]''  Evil and good are always at war inside you, Zuko.  It is your nature, your legacy, but there is a bright side. ''[Zuko glares at him]'' What happened generations ago can be resolved now by ''you''.  Because of your legacy, you alone can cleanse the sins of our family and the Fire Nation. Born in you, along with all the strife, is the power to restore balance to the world.
:''[Iroh lifts a stone in the floor of his cell and pulls out a cloth-wrapped parcel; he unwraps it to reveal the headpiece that Sozin gave to Roku.]''
:'''Iroh''': This is a Royal artifact.  It's supposed to be worn by the Crown Prince. ''[he offers it to Zuko, who takes it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': You mean after all Roku and Sozin went through together, even after Roku showed him mercy, Sozin betrayed him like that?
:'''Toph''': It's like these people are ''born'' bad.
:'''Aang''': No, that's wrong.  I don't think that was the point of what Roku showed me at all.
:'''Sokka''': Then what was the point?
:'''Aang''': Roku was just as much Fire Nation as Sozin was, right?  If anything, their story proves anyone is capable of great good and great evil.  Everyone, even the Fire Lord and the Fire Nation, have to be treated like they're worth giving a chance. And I think it was about friendships too.
:'''Toph''': Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?
:'''Aang''': [''Aang takes Toph's hand''] I don't see why not.[''Katara takes Toph's other'']
:'''Sokka''': Well, scientifically speaking there's no way to prove that-
:'''Katara''': Oh, Sokka, just hold hands!
:[''Sokka keeps his face turned and grabs Katara's hand.'']

===The Runaway (Non-Later in the episode version)===
:'''Sokka:''' Toph, when I was in town I found something you're not going to like ''(unfurls a wanted poster)''
:'''Toph:''' Well it ''sounds'' like a sheet of paper. But I guess you're referring to what's on the sheet of paper.
:'''Sokka:''' It's a wanted poster, of you! They've nicknamed you &quot;The Runaway&quot;
:'''Toph:''' A wanted poster! That's so great! &quot;The Runaway&quot;! I love my new nickname! Is there a picture of me? Does it look good?
:'''Sokka:''' ''(looks at the poster; Toph's face on it is only a child-like drawing)'' Well, yeah, actually, it does look pretty good. But, Toph, you're missing the point. Maybe Katara is right. The scams are drawing too much attention to us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': Wow, how does it work?
:'''Sokka''': Hm, uh, I never actually thought about it. Hawky, Gran-Gran, South Pole. ''[Hawky shakes the head]'' I think he gets it. ''[Momo Chases Hawky around in Sokka's head]'' Hawky, mke nice! Bad Hawky! 
:''[Later in the day. Sokka and Toph are returing. Katara drinkcup in Appa drinking water cup.]''
:'''Katara:''' Well look who decided to join us. Where have you two been, off scamming again?
:'''Toph:''' Yes, we were.
:'''Katara:''' Oh really? And you don't think this is dangerous at all?
:'''Toph:''' No, I don't.
:'''Katara''': Really?!
:'''Toph''': Yes really.
:'''Katara:''' Well then, what's this? ''(brandishes the same wanted poster)''
:'''Toph:''' ''(seriously irritated)'' I don't ''know''! I mean, seriously, what's ''with'' you people?! I'm ''blind''!?
:'''Katara''': It's wanted poster of you. &quot;The Runaway&quot;. Is that what you call you're call now?! Are you proud of this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Toph and Katara in cage)''
:'''Toph''': Wait a minute, it's a trap!
:'''Katara''': ''(sarcastically)'' Really? No kidding! Is that why we're trapped in a wooden cage right now? Gee, I wonder how you figured out it was a trap!
:'''Toph''': Not for us, Katara. We're the bait. He wants Aang!
:'''Katara''': Ugh! I can't believe I was so stupid! See, this is exactly why I'm against these scams, I knew this would happen!
:'''Toph''': ...But it was ''your'' idea.
:'''Katara''': I know. I wanted to show you I'm not so motherly. That I can have fun too.
:'''Toph''': Katara, you are fun, if nothing else, you're at least fun to argue with.

===The Puppetmaster===
:'''Aang''': ''(walking up)'' Old Man Ding?
:'''Old Man Ding''': ''(hits his thumb with the hammer)'' Eeh, yeow! Aw, dang blame it! What? Can't you see I'm busy?! Got a full moon rising. And why does everyone call me that? I'm not that old. ''(tries to pick up a fallen board)'' Aww...well, I'm young at heart. ''[Aang helps him with the board]'' Not ready to get snapped up by some moon monster, yet, at least. 
:'''Sokka''': ''(takes over the hammering)'' We wanted to ask you about that. 
:'''Aang''': Did you get a good look at the spirit that took you? 
:'''Old Man Ding''': Didn't see no spirit. Just felt something come over me, like I was possessed. Forced me to start walking toward the mountain. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't control my own limbs. ''[demonstrates a walk like he's possessed]'' It just about had me into a cave up there. And I looked up at the moon, for what I thought would be my last glimpse of light. But then, the sun started to rise. And I got control of myself again! I just high-tailed it away from that mountain as quick as I could! 
:'''Sokka''': Why would a spirit want to take people to a mountain? 
:'''Toph''': Oh, no!!! I did hear people screaming under the mountain. The missing villagers must still be there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hama''':  What I'm about to show you, I discovered in that wretched Fire Nation prison. ''[her flashbacks of her time in the prison are shown as she speaks]'' The guards were always careful to keep any water away from us.  They piped in dry air, and had us suspended away from the ground.  Before giving us any water, they would bind our hands and feet so we couldn't bend.  Any sign of trouble was met with cruel retribution.  And yet, each month I felt the full moon, enriching me with its' energy. There had to be ''something'' I could do, to escape.  Then... I realized that where there is life, there is ''water''.  The ''rats'' that scurried across the floor of my cage, were nothing more than skins filled with liquid.  And I passed ''years'' developing the skill that would lead to my escape... ''Bloodbending.''  Controlling the water in another body.''[Katara looks horrified]''  Enforcing your own will over theirs.  Once I had mastered the rats... I was ready for the ''men''. And during the next full moon, I walked free, for the first time in decades.  My cell unlocked, by the very guards assigned to keep me in.  Once you perfect this technique, you can control anything... or, ''anyone. [glances at Katara]''
:'''Katara''':  But... to reach inside someone, and control them? I- I don't know if I ''want'' that kind of power.
:'''Hama''':  The choice is not yours.  The power exists!  And it's your duty to use the gifts you've been given to ''win'' this war!  Katara, they tried to wipe us out; our entire culture! Your mother!
:'''Katara''':  I know.
:'''Hama''': Then you should understand what I'm talking about.  We're the last Waterbenders of the Southern Tribe!  We have to ''fight'' these people whenever we can, wherever they are with ''any'' means necessary.
:'''Katara''': ...It's ''you.'' You're the one who's making people disappear during the full moons! 
:'''Hama''':  They threw me in prison to ''rot'', along with my brothers and sisters!  They deserve the same!  You must carry on my work.
:'''Katara''':  I won't!  I won't use Bloodbending, and I won't allow you to keep terrorizing this town! ''Arrgh!''
''[Her arms suddenly twist and contort as Hama Bloodbends her]''
:'''Hama''': You should have learned the technique before you turned against me!  It's impossible to fight your way out of my grip.  I control every muscle, every ''vein'' in your body!
''[She jerks Katara around like a puppet, then forces her to kneel]''
:'''Katara''': ''[tearfully]'' Stop... please. 
''[Hama cackles, but Katara draws water from the grass and glares up at her; Hama's smile vanishes]''
:'''Katara''': ''[stands up]''... You're not the ''only'' one who draws power from the moon.  My bending is more powerful than yours, Hama.  Your technique is ''useless'' on me! 
''[She and Hama battle with Waterbending; both fight fiercely, but Katara soon overpowers Hama, just as Sokka and Aang arrive]''
:'''Sokka''': We know what you've been doing, Hama!
:'''Aang''':  Give up!  You're outnumbered!
:'''Hama''': No.  You've outnumbered ''yourselves! [She Bloodbends them, forcing them to attack Katara]''
:'''Sokka''': ''[swinging his sword]'' Katara, look out!  It's like my brain has a mind of its' own!  Stop it, arm, ''stop it!''
:'''Aang''':  This feels weird!
:'''Katara''': ''[ dodges, then freezes Aang to a tree]'' Sorry, Aang!
:'''Aang''': It's OK!
''[Hama makes Sokka charge Katara again, but she freezes his arm to another tree]''
:'''Hama''':  Don't hurt your friends, Katara!  And don't let them hurt ''each other!''
''[She rips Aang and Sokka free, then hurls them at each other with Sokka's sword pointing at Aang]''
:'''Katara''': ''NO!''
''[Sokka and Aang stop at the last second as Katara Bloodbends Hama, forcing her to kneel.  Toph arrives with the captured villagers, who shackle Hama]''
:'''Villager''':  You're going to be locked away, forever.
:'''Hama''': ''[smugly]'' My work is done.  Congratulations, Katara.  You're a Bloodbender.
''[She cackles as she is led away.  Katara sinks to the ground and cries as her friends comfort her]''

===Nightmares and Daydreams===
:'''Sokka''' ''(wearing his Wang Fire costume )'': Why don't you get right down to business, and tell me what's been bothering you?
:'''Aang''': You know what's been bothering me. I have face to the Fire Lord in a few days!
:'''Sokka''': Mm-hmm. Tell me more about this ''Fire Lord''. Why are you so afraid of him?
:'''Aang''': You said it yourself. He's the baddest man on the planet! I'm supposed to defeat and save the world!
:'''Sokka''': Mmm. Life does feel that way sometimes, doesn't it? Like we're all trying to save the world from evil?
:'''Aang''': Okay, but what can I do to make myself feel better?
:'''Sokka''' ''(holding out a koala sheep)'': Wanna try screaming into this pillow? ''(Aang takes it, screams, and the sheep baas)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toph''': ''[in Iroh to jail]'' Together seem prison food pretty good.
:'''Iroh''': Maybe should be on prison food so hungry.
:'''Toph''': This one has uncle is escape from jail. Right guard.
:'''Zuko''': Hey! What are you doing?!
:'''Toph''': He talk to uncle.
:'''Zuko''': Guard, get Toph. Take her to Aang, Sokka and Katara.
:'''Toph''': ''[guard grabs Toph]'' Okay, Bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azula''': There's nothing wrong with onion and banana juice.
:'''Zuko''': Ughh!! (shocked) Onion and banana juice! ''[flashback in the thunderstorm rain]'' Come on strike me! You're never back before! '''''AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!'''''
:'''Mai''': ''[into the presented]'' Zuko, are you okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': ''[disembodied]'' Okay, I'll try.
:'''Guru''': ''[disembodied]'' You must learn to let go.
:'''Zuko''': None of this guy locked in Suki jail into boiling rock, Fire Ozai.
:'''Fire Ozai''': Uh-oh. Suki's in the jail. Mai will come back.
:'''Long Feng''': ''[disembodied]'' What is wrong with you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Aang's is daydreaming about professing his love for Katara)
:'''Aang''': Invasion, all aboard for the invasion.
:'''Katara''': You don't look so good, are you sure that you can't lie down and take a little nap?
:'''Aang''': I told you, I can't go to sleep.
:'''Katara''': Aang, staying up all night can't be good for you.
:'''Aang''': Actually staying up all night has given me some time to think and I've realized some big things Katara.
:'''Katara''':What big things?
:'''Aang''': I'm seeing everything so clearly now, what really matters, why I'm really doing this, I'm doing it to save the world, but more than that. I'm doing it for the people I love. I'm doing it for you, Katara.
:'''Katara''': Aang, what are you saying?
:'''Aang''': I'm saying...I love you.
:''(Aang gives Katara a peck on the lips, then they start kissing passionately)''
:'''Katara''': What are we doing?
:'''Aang''': What our hearts have been telling us to do for a long, long time. Baby, you're my forever girl.
:''(Aang goes back to reality)
:'''Katara''': Aang?
:'''Aang''': Huh?
:'''Katara''': I was just saying you should take a nap.
:'''Aang''': Oh...I guess I kinda drifted off into a daydream.
:'''Katara''': What was your dream about?
:'''Aang''': Uh...living underwater?
:'''Katara''': Sounds neat!

===The Day of Black Sun, Part 1: The Invasion===
:'''Du''': Hoo-wee! There ain't nothing like this back in the swamp! ''(points at a rock)'' Whatcha rekon that is, Tho? Some sort of Fire Nation trap exploding trap would eat ya?
:'''Tho''': It's just a rock, Du.
:'''Du''': Well, I'll be!
:'''Hakoda''': Is it just me, or are those fellows a little loose on the leaf hats?
:'''Bato''': I just wish they'd wear pants.
:'''Huu''': Pants are an illusion... and so is death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aang''': So... this is it, huh?
:'''Sokka''': Are you ready for the Fire Nation to know that the Avatar's alive?
:'''Aang''': ...I'm ready.
''[Team Avatar has a group-hug]''
:'''Hakoda''': Everyone, listen up!  The next time we re-surface, it'll be on the beaches... so stay alert, and fight smart!  Now, break time's over!  Back in the subs!
''[Toph and Sokka re-enter the sub, leaving Katara and Aang alone, awkwardly]''
:'''Anng''': ...Katara, I-
:'''Katara''': I-
''[They both pause, flustered]''
:'''Aang''':... You go first.
:'''Katara''': We've been through ''so'' many things together, and I've seen you grow up so much.  You're not that little goofy kid I found in the iceberg anymore.  I guess, what I'm trying to say is... I'm really proud of you.
:'''Aang''': ... Everything is gonna be different after today, isn't it?
:'''Katara''': Yes, it is.
:'''Aang''': What if... what if I don't come back?
:'''Katara''': Aang, don't say that.  Of course you'll-
''[Aang cuts her off by leaning forward and kissing her; after a pause, she leans in]''

===The Day of Black Sun, Part 2: The Eclipse===
:'''Zuko''': For so long, all I wanted was you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor that I wanted, but really, I was just trying to please you. ''You'', my father, who banished me just for talking out of turn. ''My father'', who challenged me, a 13-year-old boy, to an Agni Kai. How can you possibly justify a duel with a child? 
:'''Ozai''': ''(bitterly)'' It was to teach you respect. 
:'''Zuko''': It was cruel! And it was wrong. 
:'''Ozai''': Then you have learned nothing. 
:'''Zuko''': No, I’ve learned everything! And I had to learn it on my own. Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history and somehow, the war was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was! The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation! They don’t see our greatness - they hate us! And we deserve it. We’ve created an era of fear in the world. And if we don’t want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness. 
:'''Ozai''': ''(laughs mockingly)'' Your Uncle has gotten to you, hasn’t he?
:'''Zuko''': ''(smiles)'' ...Yes. He has.

&lt;hr width80&gt;
:'''Zuko''': After I leave here today, I'm going to free Uncle Iroh from his prison, and I'm going to beg for his forgiveness. He's the one who's been a real father to me.
:'''Ozai''': [''Laughs''] That's just beautiful. Maybe he can pass down to you the ways of tea and failure.
:'''Zuko''': But I've come to an even more important decision. I'm gonna join the Avatar, and I'm going to help him defeat you.
:'''Ozai''': Really? Since you're a full blown traitor and you want me gone, why wait? I'm powerless. You've got your swords. Why don't you just do it now?
:'''Zuko''': Because I know my own destiny. Taking you down is the Avatar's destiny. Goodbye.
:'''Ozai''': ''Coward!'' You may think that you're brave enough to face me, but you'll only do it during the Eclipse. If ''you'' have any real courage, you'll stick around until the sun comes out. Don't you want to hear what happened to your mother?

===The Western Air Temple===
:'''Zuko''': Hello, Zuko here. But I guess you probably already know me, sort of. Uh so, the thing is I have a lot of Firebending experience and I'm considered to be pretty good at it. Well you've seen me... you know when I was attacking you? Uh yeah, I guess I should apologize for that, but anyway I'm good now. I mean, I thought I was good before but now I realize I was bad, but anyway... I think it's time I joined your group and taught the Avatar Firebending.
:''(Camera zooms out to show Zuko is talking to a big frog. The frog croaks)''
:'''Zuko''': Well, what's your answer!?
:''(The frog jumps on Zuko's head, then leaps away)''
:'''Zuko''': Yeah, that's what I'd say too. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Zuko''': Hey, I heard you guys flying around down there, so I just thought I'd wait for you here. I know you must be surprised to see me here. 
:'''Sokka''': Not really, since you've followed us all over the world. 
:'''Zuko''': Right... Well, uh... anyway, what I wanted to tell you about is that I've changed, and I uh, I'm good now. And, well, I think I should join your group. Oh, and I can teach firebending... to you. See, I uh... 
:'''Toph''': You want to what now?!
:'''Katara''': You can't possibly think that any of us would trust you, can you? I mean, how stupid do you think we are? 
:'''Sokka''': Yeah, all you've ever done is try to hunt us down and capture Aang. 
:'''Zuko''': I've done some good things. I mean, I could've stolen your bison in Ba Sing Se, but I set him free. That's something. 
:''[Appa licks him from behind]''
:'''Aang''': Appa does seem to like him. 
:'''Sokka''': He probably just covered himself in honey or something so that Appa would lick him. I'm not buying it. 
:'''Zuko''': I can understand why you wouldn't trust me, and I know I've made some mistakes in the past. 
:'''Sokka''': Like when you attacked our village? 
:'''Katara''': Or when you stole my mother's necklace  and used it to track us down and capture us? 
:'''Zuko''': Look, I admit I've done some awful things. I was wrong to try to capture you, and I'm sorry that I attacked the Water Tribe. And I never should've sent that Fire Nation assassin after you. I'm gonna try to stop him-
:'''Sokka''': Wait, ''you'' sent Combustion Man after us?!?! 
:'''Zuko''': Well, that's not his name, but... 
:'''Sokka''': Oh, ''sorry.'' I didn't mean to insult your friend. 
:'''Zuko''': He's not my friend!
:'''Toph''': That guy locked me and Katara in jail and tried to blow us all up!
:'''Zuko''': ... ''[to Aang]'' Why aren't you saying anything? You once said you thought we could be friends. You know I have good in me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Katara''': No, we *won't*! ''[Waterbending blast at Zuko grunts]'' Get out of here, and ''don't come'' back, but you even seen it again?! Well you better NOT ''seen'' it again!?

===The Firebending Masters===
:'''Zuko''': Listen everybody; I've got some pretty bad news. I've lost my stuff.
:'''Toph''': Don't look at me. I didn't touch your stuff.
:'''Zuko''': I'm talking about my firebending. It's gone. 
:'''Katara''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. I'm just laughing at the irony. You know... how it would have been nice for us if you lost your firebending a long time ago? 
:'''Zuko''': Well it's not lost. It's just weaker for some reason.
:'''Katara''': Maybe you're just not as good as you think you are. 
:'''Toph''': Ouch.
:'''Zuko''': ...I bet it's because I changed sides. 
:'''Katara''': That's ridiculous. 
:'''Aang''': I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe your firebending comes from rage, and you just don't have enough anger to fuel it the way you used to. 
:'''Sokka''': So, all we need to do is make Zuko angry... easy enough.
:''[he proceeds to nudge Zuko in the waist and head with the hilt of his sword several times]''
:'''Zuko''': OKAY!! CUT IT OUT!!! Look... even if you're right, I don't want to rely on hate and anger anymore. There has to be another way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[after being judged by the masters and seeing their fire]''
:'''Zuko''': Their fire was beautiful. I saw so many colors, colors I've never imagined. 
:'''Aang''': Like firebending harmony.
:'''Sun Warrior Chief''': Yes. They judged you, and gave you visions of the meaning of firebending.
:'''Zuko''': I can't believe there are still living dragons. My Uncle Iroh said he faced the last dragon and killed it. 
:'''Sun Warrior Chief''': Actually, it wasn't a total lie. Iroh was the last outsider to face the masters. They deemed him worthy and passed the secret onto him as well.
:'''Zuko''': He must have lied to protect them, so no one else would hunt them.
:'''Aang''': All this time, I thought firebending was destruction. Since I hurt Katara, I've been too afraid and hesitant. But now I know what it really is... it's energy, and life.
:'''Zuko''': Yeah. It's like the Sun, but inside of you. Do you guys realize this?
:'''Sun Warrior Chief''': Well, our civilization ''is'' called the Sun Warriors... so yeah.

===The Boiling Rock, Part 1===
:'''Sokka''': Pretty clouds.
:'''Zuko''': Yeah.. fluffy. [Sokka begins to whistle due to awkward silence]
:'''Zuko''': What?
:'''Sokka''': Wha-- Oh! I didn't say anything. [Brief silence]
:'''Sokka''': You know, a friend of mine designed these war balloons.
:'''Zuko''': No kidding.
:'''Sokka''': Yep! A balloon... but for war.
:'''Zuko''': (''darkly'') If there's one thing my dad's good at, it's war.
:'''Sokka''': Yeah, it seems to run in the family.
:'''Zuko''': Hey. Hold on, not everyone in my family is like that.
:'''Sokka''': I know. I know, you've changed.
:'''Zuko''': I meant my uncle... He was more than a father to me... And I really let him down.
:'''Sokka''': I think your uncle would be proud of you. Leaving your home to come help us. That's hard.
:'''Zuko''': It wasn't that hard.
:'''Sokka''': Really? You didn't leave anyone behind you care about?
:'''Zuko''': Well, I did have a girlfriend. Mai.
:'''Sokka''': That gloomy girl who sighs a lot?
:'''Zuko''': Yeah. ''[smiles]'' Everyone in the Fire Nation thinks I'm a traitor. I couldn't drag her into it.
:'''Sokka''': My first girlfriend turned into the moon. ''[frowns]''
:'''Zuko''': That's rough, buddy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuko''':(''attemping to inspire Sokka to not quit and stay at the prison and rescue his dad'') No, it's not, Sokka. Look, you're going to fail a lot before things work out...
:'''Sokka''': This is supposed to make me feel better?!
:'''Zuko''': Even though you'll probably fail over and over again...
:'''Sokka''': Seriously, you're not helping!
:'''Zuko''': You have to try every time. You can't quit because you're afraid you might fail.

===The Boiling Rock Part 2===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sokka''': Zuko! Good, we're all here. Now all we need to do is grab the warden, and get to the gondolas!
:'''Zuko''': And how do we do that?
:'''Sokka''': ...I'm ''not'' sure.
:'''Zuko''': ''[Groans.]'' I thought you thought this through!
:'''Sokka''': I thought you told me it's okay not to think everything through!
:'''Zuko''': Maybe not everything, but this is kind of important!
:'''Chit Sang''': Hey, uh, fellas. I think your girlfriend's taking care of it.
''[Suki hops up on the heads of the rioters, then jump and flip onto the tower. She easily defeats the first guard with a few quick jabs. Two more guards arrive. She ducks a fire blast and sweeps the first one and then dodges the second one's fire blast and continues to climb the tower. She makes it up to the top and defeats the final guard with a sliding kick. She then grabs the warden by the fist.'')
:'''Warden''': You wouldn't dare.
:'''Suki''': [''twists his wrist, ties his hands together and uses his headband as a gag.''] Sorry, warden. You're my prisoner now. [''Slams the warden against the wall; the rest of the escapees arrive.''] We've got the warden! Now let's get out of here!
:'''Hakoda''': (''panting'') That's some girl.
:'''Sokka''': (''Panting, proudly.'') Tell me about it.
-----
''[Mai is brought before Azula after she helped Zuko, Sokka and their friends escape]''
:'''Azula''': Leave us alone. (''the guards withdraw'') I never expected this from ''you''. (''Mai stares her down defiantly; Ty Lee looks fearfully from her to Azula'')  The thing I don't understand, is ''why?''  Why would you do it?  You know the consequences.
:'''Mai''':... I guess you don't know people as well as you think you do.  You miscalculated.  I love Zuko... more than I fear ''you''.
:'''Azula''': (''enraged'')  No, ''YOU'' miscalculated!  You should've feared me more!!
''[As she raises her hands to generate lightning, Mai draws one of her shurikens.  Just as Azula is about to strike, Ty Lee strikes her pressure points and paralyzes her, to everyone's amazement]''
:'''Ty Lee''': (''to Mai'') Come on, let's get out of here!
''[They try to flee, but the guards quickly surround and arrest them. Two of the guards help Azula to her feet]''
:'''Azula''': You're both fools!!
:'''Guard''': What shall we do with them, Princess?
:'''Azula''': Put them somewhere I'll never have to see their faces again... and let them ''rot!''

===The Southern Raiders===
''[Yon Rha is heading home in the rain; he hears someone following him several times, then finally stops]''
:'''Yon Rha''': Nobody sneaks up on ''me'' without getting burned! 
''[He Firebends at a bush behind him, but nothing happens. As he turns to continue, he falls over a tripwire; when he tries to get up, a fire blast stops him]''
:'''Zuko''': We weren't behind the bush. ''[he advances on Yon Rha]'' And I wouldn't try Firebending again.
:'''Yon Rha''': Whoever you are, take my money.  Take whatever you want! I'll cooperate.
:'''Katara''': ''[Approaches and pulls back her hood]'' Do you know who I am?
:'''Yon Rha''': No...I'm not sure.
:'''Katara''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, you'd better remember me, like your life depends on it! Why don't you take a closer look?!
:'''Yon Rha''':  Yes... ''yes!''  I remember you, now!  You're that little Water Tribe girl!
''[In a flashback, Yon Rha is shown confronting Kya and a young Katara during his raid on the Southern Water Tribe.]''
:'''Kya''': Just let her go, and I'll give you the information you want.
:'''Yon Rha''': You heard your mother.  Get out of here!
:'''Katara''': Mom...  I'm scared...
:'''Kya''': Go find your Dad, sweetie.  I'll handle this. ''[Katara runs off]''
:'''Yon Rha''':  Now, tell me: who is it?  Who's the Waterbender?
:'''Kya''':  There are no Waterbenders here.  The Fire Nation took them all away, a long time ago.
:'''Yon Rha''':  You're lying.  My source says there's ''one'' Waterbender left in the Southern  Water Tribe.  We're not leaving until we find the Waterbender!
:'''Kya''':  If I tell you... do you promise to leave the rest of the village alone? ''[Yon Rha grunts and nods]''... It's me.  Take ''me'' as your prisoner.
:'''Yon Rha''': ''[smirks]'' I'm afraid I'm not taking ''prisoners'', today.
''[In the present, Yon Rha gulps]''
:'''Katara''':... She ''lied'' to you! ''[turns away, tearfully]'' She was protecting the last Waterbender.
:'''Yon Rha''': What?!  Who?
:'''Katara''': ''[spins around, furious] ME!''
''[She bends the rain, stopping it mid-fall, then forms the water into a huge dome around them; Zuko watches, amazed. Katara morphs the water into ice spears and hurls them at Yon Rha, who cowers, but she stops them inches from his face, then dissolves them back into water]''
:'''Yon Rha''':  ''[scrambling to grovel  in front of her]'' I did a bad thing, I know I did!  And you deserve revenge! So why don't you take ''my'' mother? That would be fair!
:'''Katara''': I always wondered, what kind of person could do such a thing.  But, now that I see you, I think I understand.  There's just...''nothing'' inside you. Nothing at all.  You're pathetic, and sad, and ''empty''.
:'''Yon Rha''': ''[whimpering]'' Please, spare me!
:'''Katara''': But as much as I  ''hate'' you...  I  just can't do it.
-----
:'''Aang''':  Katara... are you okay?
:'''Katara''': I'm doing fine.
:'''Aang''':  Zuko told me what you did... or what you didn't do, I guess.  I'm proud of you.
:'''Katara''':  I ''wanted'' to do it.  I wanted to take out all my anger at him, but I couldn't.  I don't know if it's because I'm to weak to do it, or because I'm strong enough not to.
:'''Aang''':  You did the right thing.  Forgiveness is the first step you have to take to begin healing.
:'''Katara''':  But I ''didn't'' forgive him. ''[pause]'' I'll never forgive him. ''[to Zuko]'' But I ''am'' ready to forgive you.
''[She hugs Zuko, then walks away]''
:'''Zuko''':  You were right about what Katara needed.  Violence wasn't the answer.
:'''Aang''':  It never is.
:'''Zuko''': Then, I have a question for you... what are you going to do, when you face my father?
''[Aang looks away uneasily]''

===The Ember Island Players===
:'''Katara''': Doesn't it seem kind of weird that we're hiding from the Firelord in his own house?
:'''Zuko''': I told you, my family hasn't come here since we were actually happy, and that was a long time ago. It's the last place anyone would think to look for us.
:''(Sokka comes running in)''
:'''Sokka''': You guys are not gonna believe this... there's a play about us!
:'''Suki''': We were just in town and we saw this poster! ''[reveals poster about the play]''
:'''Katara''': What? How is that possible?
:'''Sokka''': Listen to this: &quot;''The Boy In The Iceberg'' is a new production from acclaimed playwright Pu-On Tim, who scoured the globe gathering information on the Avatar, from the icy South Pole to the heart of Ba Sing Se. His sources include singing nomads, pirates, prisoners of war, and a surprisingly knowledgeable merchant of cabbage.&quot;
:'''Suki''': &quot;Brought to you by the critically acclaimed Ember Island Players.
:'''Zuko''': Ugh. My mother used to take us to see them. They butchered &quot;''Love Amongst the Dragons''&quot; every year!
:'''Katara''': Sokka, do you really think it's a good idea for us to attend a play about ourselves?
:'''Sokka''': Come on, a day at the theater! This is the kind of wacky time-wasting nonsense I've been missing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Toph''': Geez, everyone is getting so upset about their characters. Even you seem more down than usual. And that's saying something.
:'''Zuko''': You don't get it. It's different for you. You get a muscly version of yourself taking down ten bad guys at once and making sassy remarks.
:'''Toph''': Yeah, that's pretty great.
:'''Zuko''': But for me, it takes all the mistakes I have made in my life and shoves them back in my face. My uncle. He's always been on my side even when thing were bad. He was there for me. He taught me so much. And how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret and I may never get to redeem myself.
:'''Toph''': You have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.
:'''Zuko''': How do you know?
:'''Toph''': Beacause I once had a long conversation with the guy. And all he would talk about was you.
:'''Zuko''': Really?
:'''Toph''': Yeah, and it was kind of annoying.
:'''Zuko''': Oh, sorry.
:'''Toph''': But it was also very sweet. All your uncle wanted was for you to follow your own path and see the light. Now you're here with us. He'd be proud. ''(Toph punches him on the shoulder)''
:'''Zuko''': Ow! What was that for?!
:'''Toph''': That's how I show affection.

===Sozin's Comet, Part 1: The Phoenix King===
:'''General Shinu''': Ba Sing Se is still under our control. However, earthbender rebellions has prevented us from achieving total victory.
:'''Ozai''': What is your recommendation?
:'''General Shinu''': Our army is spread too thin. But once the eclipse is over and the invasion defeated, we should transfer more domestic forces into the Earth Kingdom.
:'''Ozai''': Hmm, Prince Zuko, you've been among the Earth Kingdom commoners. Do you think adding more troops will stop these rebellions?
:'''Zuko''': ...The people of the Earth Kingdom are proud and strong. They can endure anything as long as they have hope.
:'''Ozai''': Yes, you're right. We need to destroy their hope.
:'''Zuko''': Well, that's not exactly what I-
:'''Azula''': ''I'' think you should take their precious hope and the rest of their land and ''burn it'' all to the ground.
:'''Ozai''': Yes. Yes, you're right, Azula. Sozin's Comet is almost upon us, and on that day, it will endow us with the strength and power of a hundred suns. No bender will stand a chance against us.
:'''General Shinu''': What are you suggesting, sir? 
:'''Ozai''': When the comet last came, my grandfather, Fire Lord Sozin, used it to wipe out the Air Nomads. Now, I will use its power to end the Earth Kingdom ... permanently. From our airships, we will rain fire over their lands, a fire that will destroy everything; and out of the ashes, a new world will be born, a world in which all the lands are Fire Nation and I am the supreme ruler of everything!
''[The generals applaud as Zuko's flashback ends]''
:'''Zuko''': I wanted to speak out against this horrifying plan... but, I'm ashamed to say I didn't. My whole life, I struggled to gain my father's love and acceptance. But once I had it, I realized I'd lost ''myself'' getting there. I'd forgotten who I was.
:'''Katara''':...I can't ''believe'' this.
:'''Sokka''': ''[shocked]'' I always knew the Fire Lord was a bad guy, but his plan is just pure evil.
:'''Aang''': What am I gonna do?
:'''Zuko''': I know you're scared. And I know you're not ready to save the world. But if you don't defeat the Fire Lord ''before'' the Comet comes... there won't ''be'' a world to save, anymore.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azula''': Sorry I’m late, Father. Good palanquin bearers are so hard to come by these days. So, is everything ready for our departure?
:'''Ozai''': There has been a change of plans, Azula.
:'''Azula''': What?
:'''Ozai''': I’ve decided to lead the fleet of airships to Ba Sing Se alone. You will remain here in the Fire Nation.
:'''Azula''': But I thought we were going to do this together!
:'''Ozai''': My decision is final.
:'''Azula''': You ... you can’t treat me like this. You can’t treat me like Zuko!
:'''Ozai''': Azula, silence yourself.
:'''Azula''': But it was ''my'' idea to burn everything to the ground! I deserve to be by your side!
:'''Ozai''': Azula! Listen to me. I need you here to watch over the homeland, it’s a very important job that I can only entrust to you.
:'''Azula''': Really?
:'''Ozai''': And for your loyalty, I’ve decided to declare you the new Fire Lord.
:'''Azula''': &quot;Fire Lord Azula‌&quot;... it does seem appropriate. But, what about you‌?
:'''Ozai''': Fire Lord Ozai is no more. Just as the world will be reborn in fire, I shall be reborn as the supreme ruler of the world. From this moment on, I will be known as... the “Phoenix King”!

===Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters===
:'''Sokka''': Hey, I remember her. She helped you attack us!
:'''Zuko''': Yup, back in the good ol' days.
:'''June''': Oh, great. It's Prince Pouty. Where's your creepy grandpa?
:'''Zuko''': He's my uncle... and he's not here.
:'''June''': I see you worked things out with your girlfriend.
:''(Katara and Zuko together):''
:'''Katara''': I'm ''not'' his girlfriend!
:'''Zuko''': She's ''not'' my girlfriend! 
:'''June''': Okay, okay, sheesh! I was only teasing. So what do you want?
:'''Zuko''': I need your help finding the Avatar.
:'''June''': Hm. Doesn't sound too fun.
:'''Zuko''': ''Does the end of the world sound like '''more''' fun?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Zuko apologizes to Iroh for his previous betrayal at Ba Sing Se''
:'''Zuko''': Uncle, I know you must have mixed feelings about seeing me. But I want you to know... I am so, so sorry, uncle. ''(starts crying)'' I am so sorry and ashamed of what I did! I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I...
:''(Iroh grabs Zuko by his shirt and embraces him)''
:'''Zuko''': How can you forgive me so easily?! I thought you would be furious with me!
:'''Iroh''': I was never angry with you. I was sad, because I was afraid you'd lost your way.
:'''Zuko''': I did lose my way.
:'''Iroh''': But you found it again! And you did it by yourself! And I'm so ''happy'' you found your way here.
:'''Zuko''': It wasn't that hard, uncle. You have a pretty strong scent.

===Sozin's Comet, Part 3: Into the Inferno===
''[Azula, having banished all her servants, attempts to arrange her hair in a topknot, but it becomes lopsided, enraging her]''
:'''Azula''': ''[grabs a pair of scissors]'' Alright, hair, it's time to face your doom! 
''[She cuts off her two tresses unevenly, then notices her mother's reflection in the mirror]''
:'''Ursa''': What a shame. You always had such beautiful hair.
:'''Azula''': What are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''Ursa''': I didn't want to miss my own daughter's coronation.
:'''Azula''': Don't pretend to act proud. I know what you ''really'' think of me. You think I'm a monster.
:'''Ursa''': I think you're ''confused''. All your life, you've used fear to control people, like your friends Mai and Ty Lee.
:'''Azula''': ''[spins around]'' Well, what choice do I have?! Trust is for fools! Fear is the only reliable way. Even ''you'' fear me.
:'''Ursa''': No. I ''love'' you, Azula. I do.
''[Azula's lip trembles. After a pause, she spins around and throws a hairbrush at the mirror with a scream of rage, shattering it. Alone, she sinks to her knees and sobs]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fire Sage''': By decree of Phoenix King Ozai, I now crown you Fire Lord...
:'''Azula''': What are you waiting for?! Do it!
''[She looks up to see Appa landing in the square, with Zuko and Katara on his back.]''
:'''Zuko''': Sorry, but you're not gonna become Fire Lord today. (''jumps down'') ''I'' am.
:'''Azula''': (''laughs'') You're ''hilarious.''
:'''Katara''': And you're going down!
''[The Fire Sage attempts to crown Azula, but she stops him]''
:'''Azula''': Wait.  You want to be Fire Lord?  Fine.  Let's settle this; just you and me, brother.  The showdown that was always meant to be!  ''Agni Kai!''
:'''Zuko''': ...You're on. (''Azula grins'')
:'''Katara''': (''to Zuko'')  What are you doing?  She's playing you!  She knows she can't take us both, so she's trying to separate us!
:'''Zuko''':  I know, but I can take her this time.
:'''Katara''': But even ''you'' admitted to your uncle that you would need help facing Azula!
:'''Zuko''':... There's something ''off'' about her. I can't explain it, but she's slipping.  And this way, no one else has to gets hurt.
''[Katara nods.  Zuko and Azula take up positions at each end of the square.]'' 
:'''Azula''': (''sneering'') I'm sorry it has to end this way, ''brother''.
:'''Zuko''': (''grimly'') No, you're not.

===Sozin's Comet, Part 4: Avatar Aang===
:''[Sokka, Suki, and Toph have liberated an airship.]''
:'''Sokka:''' Good work, Toph. Time to take control of the ship. Take the wheel.
:'''Toph:''' ''[sarcastic]'' That's a great idea! Let a blind girl steer the giant airship!
:'''Sokka:''' I was talking to Suki.
:'''Toph:''' That would make a lot more sense.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Aang, in the Avatar State, has immobilized Ozai in stone restraints]''
:'''Aang and all his past lives''': ''[in the Avatar State]'' ''FIRE LORD OZAI, YOU AND YOUR FOREFATHERS HAVE DEVASTATED THE BALANCE OF THIS WORLD. AND NOW, YOU SHALL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!'' 
''[Aang prepares to deliver the final blow using all four elements. Ozai closed his eyes, but Aang leaves the Avatar State and the elements fall apart at the last minute and Ozai's restraints crumble as Aang lowers himself to the ground. 
:'''Aang''': No. I'm not going to end it like this.
:'''Ozai''': ''[sneering]'' Even with all the power in the world, you are still ''weak''.
''Ozai tries to attak Aang from behind, but Aang senses his attack through vibrations in the ground.  Restraining Ozai's arms with Earthbending again, he places his hands on Ozai's chest and forehead.''
:'''Lion Turtle''': ''[in flashback]'' In the era before the Avatar, we bent not the elements, but the energy within ourselves.  To bend another's energy, your own spirit must be unbendable... or else you will be corrupted and destroyed.
''[Aang's mouth and eyes glow blue, which spreads across his body.  Ozai's eyes and mouth glow orange and do the same.  At first, Ozai's energy nearly overwhelms Aang, but then Aang's energy stabilizes and overcomes Ozai's energy completely. Aang releases Ozai, who tries to attack him again, but simply staggers weakly to his knees.]''
:'''Ozai''': What...what did you ''do'' to me?
:'''Aang''': I took away your Firebending. You can't use it to hurt or threaten anyone else ever again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zuko is having trouble putting on his coronation robes due to his injuries]''
:'''Mai''': Need some help with that?
:'''Zuko''': Mai!  You're okay. They let you out of prison?
:'''Mai''': My uncle pulled some strings. And it doesn't hurt when the new Fire Lord is your boyfriend.
:'''Zuko''': So...Does it mean you don't hate me anymore?
:'''Mai''': I think it means, I actually kind of like you.
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Mai''': ''(pokes his shoulder with her finger twice)'' But don't ''ever'' break up with me again. ''(Zuko smiles guiltily and embraces her)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Aang and the rest of Team Avatar are relaxing in Iroh's tea shop as Zuko serves them tea]''
:'''Sokka''': Zuko, stop moving!  I'm trying to capture the moment. I wanted to do a painting so we always remember the good times together.
:'''Katara''': That's very thoughtful of you, Sokka. ''(sees the painting, frowns)'' Wait. Why did you give me Momo's ears?
:'''Sokka''': ''[offended]'' Those are your hair loopies!
:'''Zuko''': ''[Looks at the painting]'' At least you don't look like a boar-cupine. My hair is ''not'' that spiky!
:'''Mai''': I look like a man.
:'''Suki''': And why did you paint me firebending?
:'''Sokka''': I thought it would look more exciting that way
:''[Momo makes a sound]''
:'''Sokka''': Oh, you think you can do a better job, Momo?
:'''Iroh''': Hey, my belly's not ''that'' big anymore. I really trimmed down.
:'''Toph''': Well, I think you all look ''perfect''.
:''(everyone except Sokka laughs)''

==External links==
[[Category:American television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Steven Universe (season 2)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:54:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
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      <comment>/* Keeping It Together */</comment>
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      <text bytes="79630" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion.
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not.
:'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you.
:'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure.
:''[They both enter the truck]''
:'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle?
:'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds?
:'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge.
:'''Steven''': Why's that?
:'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe!
:'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you?
:'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room.
:'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl?
:'''Steven''': Who is she?
:'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call?
:'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that…
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]''
:''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': Is that…
:'''Pearl''': Yellow…
:'''Garnet''': Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts.&quot;'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?''
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153220</id>
      <parentid>3153219</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:55:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="79634" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion.
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not.
:'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you.
:'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure.
:''[They both enter the truck]''
:'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle?
:'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds?
:'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge.
:'''Steven''': Why's that?
:'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe!
:'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you?
:'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room.
:'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl?
:'''Steven''': Who is she?
:'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call?
:'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that…
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]''
:''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': Is that…
:'''Pearl''': Yellow…
:'''Garnet''': Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts.&quot;'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?''
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153221</id>
      <parentid>3153220</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:59:36Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Log Date 7 15 2 */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="79637" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion.
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not.
:'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you.
:'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure.
:''[They both enter the truck]''
:'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle?
:'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds?
:'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge.
:'''Steven''': Why's that?
:'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe!
:'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you?
:'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room.
:'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl?
:'''Steven''': Who is she?
:'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call?
:'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that…
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]''
:''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': Is that…
:'''Pearl''': Yellow…
:'''Garnet''': Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7-1-5-2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7-1-1-2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts.&quot;'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?''
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7-1-4-2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153222</id>
      <parentid>3153221</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T14:05:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Log Date 7 15 2 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="79819" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion.
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7–1-1-2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7-1-1-2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future.
:'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not.
:'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you.
:'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure.
:''[They both enter the truck]''
:'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle?
:'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds?
:'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge.
:'''Steven''': Why's that?
:'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe!
:'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you?
:'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room.
:'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl?
:'''Steven''': Who is she?
:'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call?
:'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line?
:'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that…
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]''
:''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]''
:'''Amethyst''': Is that…
:'''Pearl''': Yellow…
:'''Garnet''': Diamond.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7-1-5-2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7-1-1-2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts.&quot;'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?''
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all, Percy and Pierre are both on the yellow team…''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, I'm proud of you.
:'''Peridot''': Why?!
:'''Garnet''': Because you've made an effort to understand me.
:'''Peridot''': But I ''still'' don't understand you! Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Oh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date 7-14-2.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it &quot;7-1-4-2.&quot; [groans] Log Date 7-1-4-2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>197225</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153197</id>
      <parentid>3153078</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:17:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:2D80:5202:3700:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Many Thanks for Christopher Robin (18.1) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12776" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh|My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh]]''''' (2007-2010) was an American computer-animated children's television series inspired by A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh. The series features Pooh and other characters from the book and prior television adaptations and introduces two new characters: Christopher Robin's 6-year-old best friend Darby and her dog Buster. Darby is the main human protagonist and the series' hostess and the leader of the Super Sleuths. Christopher Robin, her college-bound older best friend, makes two appearances over the course of the series.

== 2005 test pilot ==
:''[Tigger and Pooh are sitting by a pond while Tigger tries to count his stripes]''
:'''Tigger''': Countin' my own stripes is harder than I thought. Hey, Pooh boy! Did ya see me count this one already? I think it was either five, or eight.
:'''Pooh''': Eight? &quot;Eight&quot; lunch? No, not yet but, my tummy was just asking about it.
:'''Tigger''': ''[gasps]'' Look! It's the Sleuthin'-Alarm flag! Somebody needs our help. Time to get into our, '''SUPER''' '''''COSTUUUUUMES'''''!!!
:'''Pooh''': I don't suppose we can help them, ''after'' lunch?
:'''Tigger''': When the flag flies high, it's time to fly! Super Sleuths... ''[blows raspberry]'' ...are on the case! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at his tummy]'' Oh, well. I'm afraid you shall just have to wait. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' Um, can you keep an eye on my tummy until I get back, please? Thank you.
:''[Pooh goes inside the tree. Seconds later, Tigger jumps out from the top of the tree and Pooh crawls out from the bottom, not noticing they're wearing each other's costumes]''
:'''Tigger''': Ta-da! ''[chuckles, gasps]'' OK, we gotta get some more light in there. ''[whispers to Pooh]'' One more time.
:''[Tigger and Pooh jump and crawl back into the tree, repeating the same phase as before, this time, they're wearing the right costumes]''
:'''Tigger''': Now, that's more like it! After all, clothes make the Super Sleuther, don't ya know? ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' And now, the official Super Sleuther's super pose! Is everybody ready? Staaaaaand up! Up, up, up ya go. Good! Now, hands on your hips. Head held high, like that. Hand on your heart, real solum like. ''[chuckles]'' That's a good job you guys are doin'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Raccoon Journalist''': Super Sleuths!
:''[Tigger gasps]''
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[cont.]'' ...don't start the adventure without me!
:'''Tigger''': What's there, ol' pal? ''[chuckles]'' I thought ya might pop up.
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': I saw the signal. That means another great story for... ''[displays &quot;The Super Sleuth Chronicles&quot; newspaper, with a picture of Tigger returning two eggs to a nest with Pooh watching from below]'' The Super Sleuth Chronicles!
:'''Tigger''': Keep your pencils steady, 'cause the Sleuthers, they are ready! ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tigger''': ''[flying on the scooter with Pooh]'' Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Up up and forward! And then, up some more! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[gazes in amazement]'' Whoa, I love these guys. ''[to viewer]'' I don't just write their stories, you know. Sometimes, I help 'em solve their mysteries. And ''you'' can be part of it, too! Come on! ''[looking at the Super Sleuths]'' Hey, wait for me. ''[gets dragged along by Tigger and Pooh and gets a ride on the scooter with them]'' Whoa!
:'''Piglet''': Bye, Super Sleuths! BE CAREFUL!

== 2006 pilot ==
:'''Piglet''': That sounds important, Pooh!
:'''Pooh''': ''[posing like a commander]'' I shall not take my responsibilities lightly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darby, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh''': Blast off!
:'''Tigger''': Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Darby''': Blast off, number two!
:''[Darby grabs Tigger's hand as they fly off to the Moon together]''
:'''Tigger''': Gotcha!

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Rabbit's Ruta-wakening'' (1.1) ===
:''[first lines; Rabbit opens the door and hums a tune. Suddenly he notices something strange in his garden.]''
:'''Rabbit''': Not again!
:''[At Winnie the Pooh's house; Pooh is sitting on his log eating honey while Darby and Buster are playing fetch with a tennis ball. Darby throws the ball inbetween both hands and throws it]''
:'''Darby''': OK, boy! Go get it.
:''[Buster runs off]''
:'''Darby''': ''[to audience]'' Watch what Buster can do! ''[Buster comes back with the ball.]'' He's a really good fetcher. ''[Just as Darby is about to throw the ball again, the Sleuther siren sounds.]''
:'''Darby''': Somebody sounded the Sleuther siren. Come on, everybody! We have to meet Tigger at the Changing Tree.
:''[Darby and Buster run off, Pooh puts his honey pot down and follows after them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darby''': Hmmph. Morning. Sleuths, we have our first clue! The rutabagas were there when Rabbit went to bed, but they were gone when he woke up in the morning. So that means they must've been taken.
:'''Pooh''': Perhaps, during the night?
:'''Darby''': Good job, Pooh! Way to sleuth.
:''[Pooh giggles]''
:'''Darby''': So our first step is to start asking questions. 
:'''Tigger''': OK, what's eleventy times forty-thirteen? 
:'''Darby''': Not that kind of question, Tigger. We have to ask our friends if they heard or saw anything last night. We'll start with Piglet.

=== ''Tigger's Shadow of a Doubt'' (1.2) ===
:''[Darby and Pooh are playing Pooh sticks]''
:'''Darby''': Go, stick, go!
:'''Pooh''': Go, little stick! Go! Go! ''[The sticks cross at the same time]'' A tie. ''[chuckles]'' Our sticks must like, &quot;sticking&quot; together.
:''[the Sleuther Siren sounds]''
:'''Darby''': The Super Sleuth siren. That means somebody needs our help. Come on, let's check it out.
:'''Pooh''': Uh, do you suppose that Tigger, and the shadow, heard the siren, too?
:'''Tigger''': Heard it?! I si-reened it! While I was nappin', my shadow got shadow-napped! ''[points to the ground]'' You see? He's gone.
:''[Buster sniffs at the part of the ground Tigger pointed at.]''
:'''Tigger''': The poor little guy, he's somewhere out there, all alone. ''[sobs]''
:'''Pooh''': Then we shall find him.
:'''Tigger''': ''[gasps, then bounces toward Pooh and Darby, who are walking the other way]'' HEY! We can't go sleuther-in' lookin' like this. There are rules, ya know, and prode-cedures. We gotta get all Super Sleuthed up first.
:'''Darby''': ''[giggles]'' But Tigger, it's only us.
:'''Tigger''': Tut-tut-tut-tut. No buts and seriffins. To the Changin' Tree!

=== Episode 2 ===
==== ''How to Say I Love Roo'' (2.1) ====
:'''Darby''': so roo, what do you want to give to Kanga on I love you day?
:'''Pooh''': a pot of honey?
:'''Tigger''': or bouncing Springs?
:'''Roo''': I didn't know what I wanted to give her. I just decided that I wanted to give her an envelope, but I didn't know how to make one.
:'''Tigger''': then this has a love-mystery to solve. We need a envelope for some Springs or a or a.. yaah.. I forgot.
:'''Darby''': hey I know an idea. We will slip and invitation and put it in an envelope. That way when she finds it she'll say what a lovely present.

=== Episode 3 ===
==== ''Piglet's Piglet's Echo Echo'' (3.1) ====
''[Tigger and Pooh with Darby and Buster are playing Pooh sticks]''
:'''Tigger''': gee probably playing Pooh sticks is harder than I thought. But look on the bright side! At least the stick was the farthest to go down the river and won. And plus what a tigger's got to do is the tigger's got to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
''[suddenly the Super Sleuth siren goes off]''
:'''Darby''': I think it's time for us to solve a case. Let's go super sleuths!
''[they run to the tree and dress up into their super sleuth clothes]''
:'''Tigger''': any time,
:'''Pooh''': any place,
:''' Darby, Tigger, Pooh''': the super sleuth are on the case!
:'''Pooh''': it looks like that we are going to Piglet's house.
:'''Darby''': you're right pooh! he could be in trouble.
:'''Tigger''': then let's get this show on the roll!
''[Darby, Tigger, and Pooh get onto their scooters and drive to Piglet's house]''
:'''Tigger''': hello piglet buddy?
:'''Darby''': we came to see if you were in trouble.
:'''Piglet''': ''[ off screen]'' oh hello Super Sleuths! I just accidentally fell to this hole while raking the leaves. I tried to climb out, but I just fall short. I'm so glad that you came!
:'''Tigger''': don't worry buddy. I will save ya!
''[Tigger uses his tail as a rope for piglet to climb, but the tail is too short]''
:'''Tigger''': Hmmmm.... maybe you can't reach this tail.
:'''Darby''': don't worry piglet we'll get you out of that hole.
:'''Pooh''': you know, I always go to Beaver's Dam so we can solve problems. What do you say if you can go ask for help and get a small smackerl?

=== Episode 4 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Tale of the Missing Tail'' (8.6) ====

=== Episode 5 === 
==== ''Pooh Light Up My Life'' (8.6) ====

=== Episode 6 ===
==== ''Lumpy Spends the Night'' (8.4) ====

=== Episode 7 ===
==== ''Good Night to Pooh'' (8.4) ====

=== Episode 8 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Sad Day'' (7.4) ====

=== Episode 9 ===
==== ''Bedtime for Bouncer'' (7.4) ====

=== Episode 10 ===
==== ''No Rumbly in Pooh's Tumbly'' (6.5) ====

=== Episode 11 ===
==== ''Pooh-Rates of the Hundred Acre Wood'' (11.1) ====

=== Episode 12 ===
==== ''Darby's Tail'' (12.1) ====

=== Episode 13 ===
==== ''Super-Sized Darby'' (13.1) ====
==== ''Piglet's Lightning Frightening'' (13.2) ====

=== Episode 14 ===
==== ''Chasing Pooh's Rainbow'' (14.1) ====

=== Episode 15 ===
==== ''Porcupine's Pen Pal'' (15.1) ===

=== Episode 16 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Trip To The Moon'' (16.1)

=== Episode 17 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Home Sweet Home'' (17.1) ====

=== Episode 18 ===
==== ''Many Thanks for Christopher Robin'' (18.1) ====
:'''Pooh''': oh bother. I miss Christopher Robin.
:'''Darby''': are you okay, Pooh?
:'''Pooh''': well Christopher Robin and I spend time with each other you know? But the problem is that everyone is so focused on him. I tried my best to spend time with him but things don't go the way as planned.
:'''Darby''': I feel the same with you too. My mom usually paid attention to my baby brother when he was a baby, but sometimes she always has less attention to pay attention to me. How about we hold the Feast for Christopher Robin so you can spend time with you?
:'''Pooh''': I like that idea!

=== Episode 19 ===
==== ''Pooh's Double Trouble'' (19.1) ====
==== ''Eeyore Sleeps on It'' (19.2) ====

=== ''[[w:Super Sleuth Christmas Movie|Super Sleuth Christmas Movie]]'' ===

=== Episode 20 ===
==== ''Darby's Tooth and Nothin' But the Tooth'' (20.1) ====

=== Episode 21 ===
==== ''Symphony for a Rabbit'' (21.1) ====
==== ''Tigger Goes Snowflaky'' (21.2) ====

=== Episode 22 ===
==== ''Buster's Bath'' (22.1) ====

=== Episode 23 ===
==== ''Lumpy's Alvin Goes to Pieces'' (23.1) ====
==== ''Rabbit's Eggcellent Adventure'' (23.2) ====

=== Episode 24 ===
==== ''Flowers From Roo'' (24.1) ====

=== Episode 25 ===

==== ''Christopher Froggin'' (25.1) ===

=== Episode 26 ===
==== ''Darby, Solo Sleuth'' (26.1) ====

==== ''Doggone Buster'' (26.2) ====

== Cast ==
* [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Darby
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Buster, Woodpecker, Raccoon Journalist
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Beaver
* [[w:Travis Oates|Travis Oates]] as Piglet
* [[Peter Cullen]] as Eeyore
* [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as Rabbit
* [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Kanga
* [[w:Max Burkholder|Max Burkholder]] as Roo
* [[w:Kyle Stanger|Kyle Stanger]] as Lumpy
* Struan Erlenborn as Christopher Robin
* [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Porcupine, Vixen
* [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] as Santa Claus
* Mikaila Baumel as Holly
* [[Mark Hamill]] as Turtle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Raccoon
* [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] as Skunk
* [[w:Brenda Blethyn|Brenda Blethyn]] as Mama Heffalump
* Sydney Saylor as the Possums

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh}}
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805905/ IMDb]
*[http://www.tv.com/shows/my-friends-tigger-and-pooh/ TV.com]

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:American preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Junior shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>2acpc64i4ae1zwunihds4tw7kv0np84</sha1>
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      <id>3153223</id>
      <parentid>3153197</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T14:18:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:2D80:5202:3700:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Symphony for a Rabbit (21.1) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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'''''[[w:My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh|My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh]]''''' (2007-2010) was an American computer-animated children's television series inspired by A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh. The series features Pooh and other characters from the book and prior television adaptations and introduces two new characters: Christopher Robin's 6-year-old best friend Darby and her dog Buster. Darby is the main human protagonist and the series' hostess and the leader of the Super Sleuths. Christopher Robin, her college-bound older best friend, makes two appearances over the course of the series.

== 2005 test pilot ==
:''[Tigger and Pooh are sitting by a pond while Tigger tries to count his stripes]''
:'''Tigger''': Countin' my own stripes is harder than I thought. Hey, Pooh boy! Did ya see me count this one already? I think it was either five, or eight.
:'''Pooh''': Eight? &quot;Eight&quot; lunch? No, not yet but, my tummy was just asking about it.
:'''Tigger''': ''[gasps]'' Look! It's the Sleuthin'-Alarm flag! Somebody needs our help. Time to get into our, '''SUPER''' '''''COSTUUUUUMES'''''!!!
:'''Pooh''': I don't suppose we can help them, ''after'' lunch?
:'''Tigger''': When the flag flies high, it's time to fly! Super Sleuths... ''[blows raspberry]'' ...are on the case! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at his tummy]'' Oh, well. I'm afraid you shall just have to wait. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' Um, can you keep an eye on my tummy until I get back, please? Thank you.
:''[Pooh goes inside the tree. Seconds later, Tigger jumps out from the top of the tree and Pooh crawls out from the bottom, not noticing they're wearing each other's costumes]''
:'''Tigger''': Ta-da! ''[chuckles, gasps]'' OK, we gotta get some more light in there. ''[whispers to Pooh]'' One more time.
:''[Tigger and Pooh jump and crawl back into the tree, repeating the same phase as before, this time, they're wearing the right costumes]''
:'''Tigger''': Now, that's more like it! After all, clothes make the Super Sleuther, don't ya know? ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' And now, the official Super Sleuther's super pose! Is everybody ready? Staaaaaand up! Up, up, up ya go. Good! Now, hands on your hips. Head held high, like that. Hand on your heart, real solum like. ''[chuckles]'' That's a good job you guys are doin'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Raccoon Journalist''': Super Sleuths!
:''[Tigger gasps]''
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[cont.]'' ...don't start the adventure without me!
:'''Tigger''': What's there, ol' pal? ''[chuckles]'' I thought ya might pop up.
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': I saw the signal. That means another great story for... ''[displays &quot;The Super Sleuth Chronicles&quot; newspaper, with a picture of Tigger returning two eggs to a nest with Pooh watching from below]'' The Super Sleuth Chronicles!
:'''Tigger''': Keep your pencils steady, 'cause the Sleuthers, they are ready! ''[chuckles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tigger''': ''[flying on the scooter with Pooh]'' Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Up up and forward! And then, up some more! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[gazes in amazement]'' Whoa, I love these guys. ''[to viewer]'' I don't just write their stories, you know. Sometimes, I help 'em solve their mysteries. And ''you'' can be part of it, too! Come on! ''[looking at the Super Sleuths]'' Hey, wait for me. ''[gets dragged along by Tigger and Pooh and gets a ride on the scooter with them]'' Whoa!
:'''Piglet''': Bye, Super Sleuths! BE CAREFUL!

== 2006 pilot ==
:'''Piglet''': That sounds important, Pooh!
:'''Pooh''': ''[posing like a commander]'' I shall not take my responsibilities lightly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darby, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh''': Blast off!
:'''Tigger''': Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Darby''': Blast off, number two!
:''[Darby grabs Tigger's hand as they fly off to the Moon together]''
:'''Tigger''': Gotcha!

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Rabbit's Ruta-wakening'' (1.1) ===
:''[first lines; Rabbit opens the door and hums a tune. Suddenly he notices something strange in his garden.]''
:'''Rabbit''': Not again!
:''[At Winnie the Pooh's house; Pooh is sitting on his log eating honey while Darby and Buster are playing fetch with a tennis ball. Darby throws the ball inbetween both hands and throws it]''
:'''Darby''': OK, boy! Go get it.
:''[Buster runs off]''
:'''Darby''': ''[to audience]'' Watch what Buster can do! ''[Buster comes back with the ball.]'' He's a really good fetcher. ''[Just as Darby is about to throw the ball again, the Sleuther siren sounds.]''
:'''Darby''': Somebody sounded the Sleuther siren. Come on, everybody! We have to meet Tigger at the Changing Tree.
:''[Darby and Buster run off, Pooh puts his honey pot down and follows after them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Darby''': Hmmph. Morning. Sleuths, we have our first clue! The rutabagas were there when Rabbit went to bed, but they were gone when he woke up in the morning. So that means they must've been taken.
:'''Pooh''': Perhaps, during the night?
:'''Darby''': Good job, Pooh! Way to sleuth.
:''[Pooh giggles]''
:'''Darby''': So our first step is to start asking questions. 
:'''Tigger''': OK, what's eleventy times forty-thirteen? 
:'''Darby''': Not that kind of question, Tigger. We have to ask our friends if they heard or saw anything last night. We'll start with Piglet.

=== ''Tigger's Shadow of a Doubt'' (1.2) ===
:''[Darby and Pooh are playing Pooh sticks]''
:'''Darby''': Go, stick, go!
:'''Pooh''': Go, little stick! Go! Go! ''[The sticks cross at the same time]'' A tie. ''[chuckles]'' Our sticks must like, &quot;sticking&quot; together.
:''[the Sleuther Siren sounds]''
:'''Darby''': The Super Sleuth siren. That means somebody needs our help. Come on, let's check it out.
:'''Pooh''': Uh, do you suppose that Tigger, and the shadow, heard the siren, too?
:'''Tigger''': Heard it?! I si-reened it! While I was nappin', my shadow got shadow-napped! ''[points to the ground]'' You see? He's gone.
:''[Buster sniffs at the part of the ground Tigger pointed at.]''
:'''Tigger''': The poor little guy, he's somewhere out there, all alone. ''[sobs]''
:'''Pooh''': Then we shall find him.
:'''Tigger''': ''[gasps, then bounces toward Pooh and Darby, who are walking the other way]'' HEY! We can't go sleuther-in' lookin' like this. There are rules, ya know, and prode-cedures. We gotta get all Super Sleuthed up first.
:'''Darby''': ''[giggles]'' But Tigger, it's only us.
:'''Tigger''': Tut-tut-tut-tut. No buts and seriffins. To the Changin' Tree!

=== Episode 2 ===
==== ''How to Say I Love Roo'' (2.1) ====
:'''Darby''': so roo, what do you want to give to Kanga on I love you day?
:'''Pooh''': a pot of honey?
:'''Tigger''': or bouncing Springs?
:'''Roo''': I didn't know what I wanted to give her. I just decided that I wanted to give her an envelope, but I didn't know how to make one.
:'''Tigger''': then this has a love-mystery to solve. We need a envelope for some Springs or a or a.. yaah.. I forgot.
:'''Darby''': hey I know an idea. We will slip and invitation and put it in an envelope. That way when she finds it she'll say what a lovely present.

=== Episode 3 ===
==== ''Piglet's Piglet's Echo Echo'' (3.1) ====
''[Tigger and Pooh with Darby and Buster are playing Pooh sticks]''
:'''Tigger''': gee probably playing Pooh sticks is harder than I thought. But look on the bright side! At least the stick was the farthest to go down the river and won. And plus what a tigger's got to do is the tigger's got to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
''[suddenly the Super Sleuth siren goes off]''
:'''Darby''': I think it's time for us to solve a case. Let's go super sleuths!
''[they run to the tree and dress up into their super sleuth clothes]''
:'''Tigger''': any time,
:'''Pooh''': any place,
:''' Darby, Tigger, Pooh''': the super sleuth are on the case!
:'''Pooh''': it looks like that we are going to Piglet's house.
:'''Darby''': you're right pooh! he could be in trouble.
:'''Tigger''': then let's get this show on the roll!
''[Darby, Tigger, and Pooh get onto their scooters and drive to Piglet's house]''
:'''Tigger''': hello piglet buddy?
:'''Darby''': we came to see if you were in trouble.
:'''Piglet''': ''[ off screen]'' oh hello Super Sleuths! I just accidentally fell to this hole while raking the leaves. I tried to climb out, but I just fall short. I'm so glad that you came!
:'''Tigger''': don't worry buddy. I will save ya!
''[Tigger uses his tail as a rope for piglet to climb, but the tail is too short]''
:'''Tigger''': Hmmmm.... maybe you can't reach this tail.
:'''Darby''': don't worry piglet we'll get you out of that hole.
:'''Pooh''': you know, I always go to Beaver's Dam so we can solve problems. What do you say if you can go ask for help and get a small smackerl?

=== Episode 4 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Tale of the Missing Tail'' (8.6) ====

=== Episode 5 === 
==== ''Pooh Light Up My Life'' (8.6) ====

=== Episode 6 ===
==== ''Lumpy Spends the Night'' (8.4) ====

=== Episode 7 ===
==== ''Good Night to Pooh'' (8.4) ====

=== Episode 8 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Sad Day'' (7.4) ====

=== Episode 9 ===
==== ''Bedtime for Bouncer'' (7.4) ====

=== Episode 10 ===
==== ''No Rumbly in Pooh's Tumbly'' (6.5) ====

=== Episode 11 ===
==== ''Pooh-Rates of the Hundred Acre Wood'' (11.1) ====

=== Episode 12 ===
==== ''Darby's Tail'' (12.1) ====

=== Episode 13 ===
==== ''Super-Sized Darby'' (13.1) ====
==== ''Piglet's Lightning Frightening'' (13.2) ====

=== Episode 14 ===
==== ''Chasing Pooh's Rainbow'' (14.1) ====

=== Episode 15 ===
==== ''Porcupine's Pen Pal'' (15.1) ===

=== Episode 16 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Trip To The Moon'' (16.1)

=== Episode 17 ===
==== ''Eeyore's Home Sweet Home'' (17.1) ====

=== Episode 18 ===
==== ''Many Thanks for Christopher Robin'' (18.1) ====
:'''Pooh''': oh bother. I miss Christopher Robin.
:'''Darby''': are you okay, Pooh?
:'''Pooh''': well Christopher Robin and I spend time with each other you know? But the problem is that everyone is so focused on him. I tried my best to spend time with him but things don't go the way as planned.
:'''Darby''': I feel the same with you too. My mom usually paid attention to my baby brother when he was a baby, but sometimes she always has less attention to pay attention to me. How about we hold the Feast for Christopher Robin so you can spend time with you?
:'''Pooh''': I like that idea!

=== Episode 19 ===
==== ''Pooh's Double Trouble'' (19.1) ====
==== ''Eeyore Sleeps on It'' (19.2) ====

=== ''[[w:Super Sleuth Christmas Movie|Super Sleuth Christmas Movie]]'' ===

=== Episode 20 ===
==== ''Darby's Tooth and Nothin' But the Tooth'' (20.1) ====

=== Episode 21 ===
==== ''Symphony for a Rabbit'' (21.1) ====
''[when the super sleuths arrive at rabbit's house, rabbit sneezes]''
:'''Rabbit''': oh.. ''[sneezes again]'' super sleuths.... ''[snorts]'' it is so nice to... ahchoo.... See you!
:'''Pooh''': excuse me rabbit? it looks like you have caught a cold.
:'''Darby''': yeah rabbit I see you sneezing.
:'''Rabbit''': well do you want to know why I caught a cold?
:'''Darby, Tigger, Pooh''': yes!
:'''Rabbit''': okay well it started on the day when I was gardening. Then I sneezed out a sneeze. I thought it was just a sneeze, but then I start sneezing and sneezing again and again. So I went back to my house and I tried not to sneeze. But I just keep sneezing in every hour. So that's how I caught a cold.
:'''Tigger''': Aw.... poor long ears caught a cold.
:'''Darby''': don't worry rabbit we'll make you a soup. 
:'''Rabbit''': and I'll be in bed. ''[crawls into bed]''
:'''Darby''': we need to find the ingredients for the soup. I think it's honey, carrots, beans, and the last but not least, tomatoes.
:'''Pooh''': rabbit your cold will be gone soon.
:'''Tigger''': now let's go find the... the.... ''[sneezes]'' ingredients!
:'''Darby''': wait a minute Tigger you just sneezed. ''[then is startled by Tigger's sneeze again]''
:'''Tigger''': but did I just sneeze once?
:'''Pooh''': no Tigger you probably just sneezed two times.
:'''Tigger''': let's put two and two together. I sneezed just once, and I just sneezed again. Wait a minute, I've caught a cold!
:'''Rabbit''': then it is in bed with you right now.
:'''Darby''': Rabbit is right tigger. you caught a cold.
:'''Tigger''': ''[crying]'' but but how am I supposed to go on mysteries if I got a cold? I will never be a super sleuth again! ''[Chokes back a sob]''
:'''Darby''': don't worry tigger I'm sure that you'll be better after we get the soup.
:'''Tigger''': Gee thanks Darby.

==== ''Tigger Goes Snowflaky'' (21.2) ====

=== Episode 22 ===
==== ''Buster's Bath'' (22.1) ====

=== Episode 23 ===
==== ''Lumpy's Alvin Goes to Pieces'' (23.1) ====
==== ''Rabbit's Eggcellent Adventure'' (23.2) ====

=== Episode 24 ===
==== ''Flowers From Roo'' (24.1) ====

=== Episode 25 ===

==== ''Christopher Froggin'' (25.1) ===

=== Episode 26 ===
==== ''Darby, Solo Sleuth'' (26.1) ====

==== ''Doggone Buster'' (26.2) ====

== Cast ==
* [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Darby
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Buster, Woodpecker, Raccoon Journalist
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Beaver
* [[w:Travis Oates|Travis Oates]] as Piglet
* [[Peter Cullen]] as Eeyore
* [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as Rabbit
* [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Kanga
* [[w:Max Burkholder|Max Burkholder]] as Roo
* [[w:Kyle Stanger|Kyle Stanger]] as Lumpy
* Struan Erlenborn as Christopher Robin
* [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Porcupine, Vixen
* [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] as Santa Claus
* Mikaila Baumel as Holly
* [[Mark Hamill]] as Turtle
* [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Raccoon
* [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] as Skunk
* [[w:Brenda Blethyn|Brenda Blethyn]] as Mama Heffalump
* Sydney Saylor as the Possums

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|My Friends Tigger &amp; Pooh}}
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805905/ IMDb]
*[http://www.tv.com/shows/my-friends-tigger-and-pooh/ TV.com]

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:American preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Junior shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
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    <title>Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 3)</title>
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      <contributor>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)|1]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 2)|2]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 3)|3]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 4)|4]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 5)|5]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 6)|6]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 7)|7]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 8)|8]] [[Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 9)|9]] | [[Curb Your Enthusiasm|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:Curb Your Enthusiasm|Curb Your Enthusiasm]]''''' (2000-present) is an American television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] on [[w:HBO|HBO]] starring ''[[Seinfeld]]'' writer &amp; co-creator [[Larry David]]. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a [[1999 in television|1999]] one-hour [[w:mockumentary|mockumentary]] titled ''Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm'', which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

=== ''Chet's Shirt [3.1]'' ===

:'''Jeff Greene:''' So, I've given up red meat.
:'''Larry David:''' Really?
:'''Jeff:''' Yup, no more red meat for me.
:'''Larry:''' Good for you. How come you're doing that?
:'''Jeff:''' No reason.
:'''Larry:''' What do you mean &quot;no reason&quot;? You've gotta have a reason.
:'''Jeff:''' No, no reason. What do you care?
:'''Larry:''' Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.
:'''Jeff:''' No reason.
{{line}}
:'''Homeowner:''' Hey. Hey buddy, what's the deal?
:'''Larry:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Homeowner:''' Throw something in my garbage can?
:'''Larry:''' I threw garbage in your garbage can.
:'''Homeowner:''' Yeah, that's my garbage can.
:'''Larry:''' So?
:'''Homeowner:''' I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.
:'''Larry:''' Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?
:'''Homeowner:''' My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?
:'''Larry:''' Well what's the difference?
:'''Homeowner:''' The difference?
:'''Larry:''' Yeah.
:'''Homeowner:''' It's mine.
:'''Larry:''' The can's not full, I don't get it.
:'''Homeowner:''' Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.
:'''Larry:''' I'll give that message to the next guy.
:'''Homeowner:''' You think I'm kiddin'?
:'''Larry:''' No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.
:'''Homeowner:''' Yeah you do that.
{{line}}
:'''Larry:''' I once invested in a whorehouse. I made a fortune on that place.
{{line}}
:'''Michael York:''' Why are you a kebab-aphobe?
{{line}}
:'''Larry:''' I'm a little afraid of the stick, frankly.
{{line}}
:'''Cheryl David:''' I thought you didn't like talking to people?
:'''Larry:''' I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
{{line}}
:'''Larry:''' You can't get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?
:'''Cheryl:''' Everybody's noticed that.
{{line}}
:'''Cheryl:''' So Barbara says she's going to have that frame ready for us next week.
:'''Larry:''' Oh good, see, it paid for me to open my mouth.
:'''Cheryl:''' And your dentist called and wants us over for dinner Saturday.
:'''Larry:''' Dr. Blore?
:'''Cheryl:''' Yeah.
:'''Larry:''' Wants to have us for dinner?
:'''Cheryl:''' Yeah. I thought that you'd know what that meant.
:'''Larry:''' He's my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't know.
:'''Larry:''' What are we gonna talk about, my teeth? 
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't know what to say, I thought you guys talked about it.
:'''Larry:''' No, I've never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn't mix social and professional, that's a terrible combination. Well, I'm just gonna tell him we're going out of town or something.
:'''Cheryl:''' OK.
:'''Larry:''' Because if we go over his house for dinner then we're gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, &quot;I invited you, why didn't you invite me?&quot; You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I'm tellin'. ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together.
{{line}}
:'''Burt Bondy:''' Excuse me, I don't normally do this but I know you from somewhere and I just can't place it. Burt Bondy, I think I know you from the 12:15 spin class down at the gym.
:'''Larry:''' No, I've never taken a spin class, sorry.
:'''Burt:''' Oh, I'm sorry.
:'''Larry:''' OK.
:'''Burt:''' Are you a friend of Bill W's? In the program, AA, I think I know you from there, don't I? 
:'''Larry:''' No, I wish you did, it sounds like a nice place to hang out.
:'''Burt:''' What is your name?
:'''Larry:''' Larry David.
:'''Burt:''' Larry David. Burt Bondy. I know you from the waiting room, at the dentist's office, Dr. Blore's, we have the same dentist.
:'''Larry:''' Oh OK, yeah. I don't actually go to him anymore.
:'''Burt:''' I still see him, if I run into him I'll tell him you said hello.
:'''Larry:''' You don't have to.
:'''Burt:''' You don't want me to say hello?
:'''Larry:''' Kind of a trite thing to say to somebody anyway, someone says hello, you know?
:'''Burt:''' Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Very high level.
:'''Larry:''' Yeah.
:'''Burt:''' I gotta get there, that's good.
{{line}}

=== ''The Benadryl Brownie [3.2]'' ===

:'''Wanda''': Why'd you fire the black man? 
:'''Larry''': I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a ''black'' man can ''never'' do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people ''always'' do everything right! 
:'''Wanda''': ''[walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works]'' You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

=== ''Club Soda and Salt [3.3]'' ===
:'''Larry''': You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.
:'''Cheryl''': What are you talking about?
:'''Larry''': You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go &quot;UHH! UHH!&quot;. You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?
:'''Cheryl''': No.
:'''Larry''': What do you mean &quot;no&quot;?
:'''Cheryl''': That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.
:'''Larry''': Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.
:'''Cheryl''': Oh! Is that why you're losing?
:'''Larry''': It sounds like pigs fucking!

{{line}}
:'''Larry''': Ya know, I really don't like &lt;i&gt;not&lt;/i&gt; driving. You should've let me drive. 
:'''Cheryl''': It's my car.
:'''Larry''': Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.
:'''Cheryl''': Why?
:'''Larry''': I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
:'''Cheryl''': Pfft.
:'''Larry''': No, really. I feel very dull.
:'''Cheryl''': Mm-hm.
:'''Larry''': Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?
:'''Cheryl''': I think I'd rather choose the radio.
:'''Larry''': All right. [''turns it on, cassette starts playing''] What is this, a tape?
:'''Cheryl''': Mm-hm.
:'''Larry''': What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.
:'''Cheryl''': Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.
:'''Larry''': Who is this?
:'''Cheryl''': It's Al Green.
:'''Larry''': Who gave you this tape?
:'''Cheryl''': Brad. It's good, isn't it?
:'''Larry''': &quot;You oughta to be with me&quot;? Is that what he's saying?! &quot;You oughta be with me&quot;! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!
:'''Cheryl''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Larry''': What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? &quot;You oughta be with me&quot;?

=== ''The Nanny from Hell [3.4]'' ===
:'''Larry''': Fuck Huughhh! Huuuugghhh!

{{line}}
:'''Martine''': I remember when I let you in, you said &quot;If there's any problems, I'll take care of it.&quot; So here I am. I'm gonna have to hold you to that 'cuz I don't have another job.
:'''Cheryl''': Oh no.
:'''Martine''': So I am homeless except I don't stink.
:'''Cheryl''': Ok.
:'''Martine''': And I..um..your home is big.

=== ''The Terrorist Attack [3.5]'' ===


=== ''The Special Section [3.6]'' ===
:'''Larry''': Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go.
:'''Richard''': (looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do.
:'''Larry''': Oh what a fuck. 
:'''Richard''': Have a blast.

=== ''The Corpse-Sniffing Dog [3.7]'' ===
:'''Larry''': He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': I love this dog, it's not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something german.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Susie''': You ''sick fuck,'' Larry David! What the '''''FUCK''''' do you think you're doing, getting my kid ''DRUNK?!''

=== ''Krazee-Eyez Killa [3.8]'' ===

:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''' ''(rapping)'': So you think you gonna cross me, and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap, and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga, or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop.

:'''Larry''':  Whoa, I like that Rice Krispies thing! ... Crackle and pop!
{{line}}

:'''Larry''': I like it... I got one tiny little comment.  I would lose the &quot;motherfucker&quot; at the end - 'cause you already said &quot;fuck&quot; once.  You don't need two fucks.

{{line}}
:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''' ''[Knocks Loudly]'':
:'''Cheryl''': &quot;Uh, Who is it?&quot;
:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''' ''Its Killa!'' 

{{line}}
:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''' ''[showing Larry around]'': OK, you see this shit here?  This is the dining room.
:'''Larry''': This is where you eat.
:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''':Yeah, you do your dining in here and shit.  You got a table, a dining room table ... you got some chairs and shit, you know what I mean? [...]  That's the floor, you know what I mean?  It's made out of, uh, you know, floor shit ... you know what I'm saying?
:'''Larry''': Yeah, that's floor shit.
:'''Krazee-Eyez Killa''':  Steps - four of those motherfuckers.  They wanted three, but I was like, four's better. 

{{line}}
:'''Larry''' ''(to Krazee-Eyez Killa)'': Are you my Caucasian?

=== ''Mary, Joseph, and Larry [3.9]'' ===


=== ''The Grand Opening [3.10]'' ===
:[''the cook, with Tourette's Syndrome, yells out'']FUCKHEAD SHITFACED COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH!
:[''everyone in the restaurant is silent]
:'''Larry''': [''thinking back in his mind''] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [''yells out''] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!
:[''everyone looks at Larry'']
:'''Jeff''': COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [''gestures for someone else to continue'']
:'''Michael York''': BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!
:'''Manager''': DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!
:'''Cheryl''': YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!
:[''Susie walks in'']
:'''Susie''': Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!
:[''storms out'']
:'''Cheryl's dad''': Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [''there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses''] Rim job!
:'''Jeff's mom''': Crap, piss!
:'''Chet's wife''': Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!
:'''Larry's dad''': Schmuck, putz!
:'''Richard Lewis''': Pussy, pig fucker!
:'''Cheryl's sister''': Balls!
:'''Jeff's dad''': Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
:[''entire restaurant erupts in laughter and profanity]

[[Category:Curb Your Enthusiasm seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>35wy2ffvqmf6drbyocwrctzbm8k6wju</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Next of Kin (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>202988</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153359</id>
      <parentid>3078979</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T20:49:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.215.204.39</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Truman Gates */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4454" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Next of Kin (1989 film)|Next of Kin]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American action thriller film about a Chicago cop, brought up in [[w:Appalachia|Appalachia]], who sets out to find the killer of his brother. Meanwhile, another of his brothers decides to find the killer himself.
:''Directed by [[w:John Irvin|John Irvin]]. Written by Michael Jenning.''
&lt;center&gt;'''An Eye For An Eye, A Tooth For A Tooth.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== Truman Gates ==
* They're coming for you, Willy. I know you'll take a couple of them with you for sure, but they'll take you just the same. Or we can take a ride to the station together, just a couple of boys from the hills. You got my word on that. I know you ain't scared to die, Willy. But this ain't no place to leave your ghost.

* ''[to Joey Rosselini at the cemetery]'' It's your mistake, Rosselini. When you set up my brother, you forgot to kill me.

* I got three counties' worth of kin that expect a certain amount of justice for that death! I'm just trying to save both of us a lot of bloodletting.

== Briar Gates ==
* This land's mine!... I can go out and take a piss on it in the middle on the night if I want to!

* I found out more in two hours than you did in two weeks. I know who killed Gerald.

* I should have waited for you. We could have whooped 'em together.

== Joey Rossellini ==
* ''[after Briar Gates shot the water cooler above him, soaking him]'' You just made the worst mistake of your life!

* Find him, take care of him. I don't care if you have to go through every flophouse in Uptown!

* ''[outside the Jimmy Woo Chinese restaurant yelling after seeing the line &quot;You forgot one&quot; on the car's windshield]'' '''ANYWHERE HE WANTS!!!!''' Any fucking ''place'' he wants!

* ''[to Truman Gates at the cemetery]'' That's why I'm here.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Truman Gates''': ''[about his family]'' Listen, you'd best wait here. They ain't real quick to strangers.
:'''Jessie Gates''': I'm your wife.
:'''Truman Gates''': No I ain't talking about you, honey. I'm talking about me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Truman Gates''': I'm just trying to make things easier.
:'''Gerald Gates''': Bullshit. You're just as bad as Briar. Just smoother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Rosselini''': You know, Gerald, I've dealt with niggers, kikes, pollacks, chinks, spics. God made it, I've seen it. But you fucking hillbillies, you are the dumbest that I've met!
:'''Gerald Gates''': ''[Spits on him]'' Go to Hell!
:'''Joey Rosselini''': ''[Takes out gun]'' You know, Gerald, I gotta hand it to you, you got balls. Stupid as shit, but major balls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawrence Isabella''': I've heard a lot about you.
:'''Joey Rosselini''': Yeah? Good things, I hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawrence Isabella''': I haven't done anything illegal.
:'''Truman Gates''': Oh really? Well I had an interesting talk with a fellow last night who claims different. My man says you were in the back of the truck when my brother was killed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Isabella''': I'm truly sorry about your brother. It's too bad.
:'''Truman Gates''': Oh no sir. You ain't seen bad yet, but its coming.

== Taglines ==
* An Eye For An Eye, A Tooth For A Tooth.

* A man murdered in cold blood. But they didn't count on his brother's revenge!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] - Truman Gates
* [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson]] - Briar Gates
* [[w:Adam Baldwin|Adam Baldwin]] - Joey Rossellini
* [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] - Jessie Gates
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] - Gerald Gates
* [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] - Lawrence Isabella
* [[w:Andreas Katsulas|Andreas Katsulas]] - Johnny Isabella
* [[w:Michael J. Pollard|Michael J. Pollard]] - Harold
* [[w:Ted Levine|Ted Levine]] - Willy Simpson
* [[w:Del Close|Del Close]] - Frank
* Valentino Cimo - Rhino
* [[w:Paul Greco|Paul Greco]] - Leo
* Vincent Guastaferro - Paulie
* [[w:Paul Herman|Paul Herman]] - Tony Antonelli

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Next of Kin (1989 film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097967|title=Next of Kin}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|1014946-next_of_kin|Next of Kin}}
* {{amg movie|35147|Next of Kin}}
* {{Mojo title|nextofkin}}

[[Category: 1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:Mafia films]]
[[Category:Vigilante films]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films set in Kentucky]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Nazrin Shah of Perak</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>207386</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153491</id>
      <parentid>3106710</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T09:10:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Chongkian</username>
        <id>189514</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>add 1</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1399" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Sultan Nazrin Muizzuddin Shah crop.jpg|thumb|Nazrin Muizzuddin Shah]]

'''[[w:Nazrin Shah of Perak|Nazrin Muizzuddin Shah]]''' (born 27 November 1956) is a [[w:Malaysia|Malaysian]] royalty. He is the Sultan of [[w:Perak|Perak]] since 29 May 2014.

==Quotes==
* An [[entrepreneurs|entrepreneurial]] approach (in higher education) would include a greater role for industry and public-private partnerships, drawing on the greater dynamism and innovation in the private sector. This is particularly so in relation to the adoption of digital technologies.
** Nazrin Muizzuddin Shah (2017) cited in &quot;[https://www.thestar.com.my/news/nation/2017/12/07/call-for-higher-education-reboot-foster-a-more-entrepreneurial-approach-says-perak-ruler/ Call for higher education reboot]&quot; on ''The Star'', 7 December 2017

* The Malays should examine the current reality and accept the fact that there is a new environment out there in the country and world stage. Open your eyes, wake up and accept the bitter truth.
** Nazrin Muizzuddin Shah (2018) cited in &quot;[http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2018/07/21/change-or-go-extinct-perak-sultan-tells-malays/ Change or go extinct, Perak Sultan tells Malays]&quot; on ''Bernama'', 21 July 2018

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{Authority control}}

[[Category:1956 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Malaysian monarchs]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Christopher Robin (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>208132</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153397</id>
      <parentid>3108916</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:10:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:2D80:5197:2600:C86F:1F0B:E6FE:E804</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Taglines */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11842" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:CHRISTOPHER ROBIN.png|right|thumb|Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.]]
'''''[[w:Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] American fantasy comedy-drama film about a working-class family man who encounters his childhood friend Winnie-the-Pooh, who helps him to rediscover the joys of life.
:''Directed by [[w:Marc Forster|Marc Forster]]. Written by [[w:Alex Ross Perry|Alex Ross Perry]], [[w:Tom McCarthy (director)|Tom McCarthy]] and [[w:Allison Schroeder|Allison Schroeder]], from a story by [[w:Greg Brooker (screenwriter)|Greg Brooker]] and [[w:Mark Steven Johnson|Mark Steven Johnson]]. The film is inspired by [[A. A. Milne]] and E. H. Shepard's book Winnie-the-Pooh.''
{{center|'''Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Young Christopher Robin and Pooh are sitting on a log at a tree at the top of a hill]''
:'''Young Christopher Robin''': Pooh, when I'm off not doing nothing, will you come up here sometimes?
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Just me? Where will you be?
:'''Young Christopher''': ''[points at Pooh's head]'' I'll be right here.
:'''Pooh''': ''[concerned]'' But what should happen if you forget about me?
:'''Young Christopher''': I'll never forget about you, Pooh. I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
:'''Pooh''': How old will I be then?
:'''Young Christopher''': ''[smiles]'' 99. Silly old bear.
:'''Pooh''': ''[puts his head on Christopher's shoulder]'' Hmm. 99.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher Robin''': ''[after being told they have to cut to 20%]'' Sir, your father promised these people good jobs to come home to after the war. Well, they'd do anything for this company. I would do anything for this company.
:'''Giles Winslow Jr.''': My father has called an emergency meeting on Monday. We need to produce the cuts by then. It's sink or swim.
:'''Christopher''': ''[disappointed]'' But I promised my wife and daughter that I'd take them away this weekend, sir.
:'''Winslow Jr.''': ''[condescendingly]'' And I'd thought you'd do anything for this company.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher''': ''[sits on a bench; exhausted]'' What to do, what to do, what to do?
:'''Pooh''': ''[behind Christopher]'' What to do indeed.
:'''Christopher''': Huh? ''[hears the voice and turns around to see Pooh; shocked]'' Pooh?!
:'''Pooh''': ''[happy]'' Christopher Robin!
:'''Christopher''': ''[even more shocked]'' No! No, no, no, no, no! You can't be here! Can you?
:'''Pooh''': Hmm.
:'''Christopher''': ''[still in shock]'' This can't be happening! It's stress.
:'''Pooh''': It's not stress.
:'''Christopher''': My God, I'm stressed.
:'''Pooh''': It's Pooh.
:'''Christopher''': I'm so exhausted. Evelyn warned me!
:'''Pooh''': I like to be warmed. Warmed and cozy.
:'''Christopher''': I've cracked. ''[touches Pooh's stomach]''
:'''Pooh''': Oh.
:'''Christopher''': I've totally cracked!
:'''Pooh''': I don't see any cracks. ''[puts his paw on Christopher's cheek]'' A few wrinkles, maybe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher walks into the kitchen, with items from a shelf that broke by Pooh to be on the floor]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[disappointed]'' What luck.
:'''Christopher''': ''[shocked]'' Pooh!
:'''Pooh''': Your ladder is broken.
:'''Christopher''': That's not a ladder, that was a shelf!
:'''Pooh''': Well that explains why it's no good for climbing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher and Pooh are on a train to Sussex to take Pooh back to the Hundred Acre Wood. Christopher is doing his work.]''
:'''Christopher''': ''[after being distracted by Pooh asking about his briefcase]'' Pooh, do you think you might be able to amuse yourself for a while? I have got some rather pressing work to do.
:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at the window]'' House… clouds… house… tree… bush… a man… dog…
:'''Christopher''': ''[distracted]'' Pooh, what're you doing?
:'''Pooh''': Oh, I'm playing a game. It's called, &quot;Say What You See&quot;.
:'''Christopher''': Well, could you &quot;say what you see&quot; a little more quietly?
:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at the window, whispering]'' House… grass… trees… pond… I don't know what that is. Well, that's a man.
:'''Christopher''': ''[distracted]'' Pooh, little bit more quietly, please.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher and Pooh are at the Hundred Acre Wood, looking for Pooh's friends. Christopher Robin gave Pooh a compass from his service in WWII, staying in one direction, until Christopher notices the &quot;Heffalumps and Woozles&quot; sign they just passed.]''
:'''Christopher''': Isn't this the same sign? Pooh, are you sure we're still heading north?
:'''Pooh''': Let me look. ''[Looks at the compass]''
:'''Christopher''': You haven't been looking?
:'''Pooh''': Not since I started following these footsteps.
:'''Christopher''': ''[drops his briefcase in frustration]'' Pooh, they're ''our'' footsteps! Oh, we've just been going around in a great, big circle! What's the matter with you? All you had to do was follow the compass!
:'''Pooh''': But it led us to the Heffalumps and the Woozles.
:'''Christopher''': There are ''no'' Heffalumps and Woozles, do you hear?! Oh, I should never have trusted you with it!
:'''Pooh''': ''[disappointed]'' Sorry. I'll put it back in the holder of important… ''[trips on Christopher's briefcase accidentally opening it]'' …things.
:''[the papers start to fly out of the briefcase from the wind]''
:'''Christopher''': Oh, my papers! They're irreplaceable! I shall never remember all of this! ''[angry]'' Oh, Pooh, you're right. You ''are'' a bear of very little brain! Do you know what will happen if I lose one single sheet of this? Winslow will eat me for breakfast!
:'''Pooh''': A Woozle will eat you for breakfast?
:'''Christopher''': ''[Annoyed]'' Yes! A great big Woozle will gobble me up!
:'''Pooh''': Well, that doesn't sound like fun.
:'''Christopher''': And that's the real world for you! Oh, Pooh, there's more to life than just balloons and honey.
:'''Pooh''': Are you sure?
:'''Christopher''': Silly bear. I don't know why you came back. I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult with adult responsibilities.
:'''Pooh''': But you're Christopher Robin.
:'''Christopher''': No. I'm not how you remember me. ''[begins to walk away]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[sad]'' Sorry. You're right. You should let me go... for a fish in the sea.
:'''Christopher''': ''[Confused]'' &quot;A fish in the sea&quot;? No, &quot;Efficiency&quot;! ''[turns around to face Pooh, but finds him gone]'' Pooh? Pooh? Winnie the Pooh? ''[hears a loud noise]'' I haven't got time for this. '''POOH!''' Pooh, where are you? Oh, where have you gone? Silly bear, didn't mean to frighten you. Pooh? Tigger? Eeyore? Anyone? What have I done? ''[the sound gets louder and closer, causing Christopher to panic]'' There's no such thing as Heffalumps and Woozles! Ooh, not real, not real, not real! ''[keeps saying that until he falls in a hole and notices a sign that says, 'Gotcha']'' '''OH, NO! NO, I'M NOT A HEFFALUMP! THEY'RE UP THERE AND I'M DOWN HERE! POOH! SOMEBODY, HELP!!!''' ''[now it starts to rain]'' Oh, perfect! ''[tries to get up but is still trapped]''
:''[The next morning he falls asleep and has nightmares of what the characters said to him.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher is at the tree where he and Pooh talked last time years ago. Christopher sits next to Pooh.]''
:'''Christopher''': Hello, Pooh.
:'''Pooh''': ''[calm]'' Hello, Christopher Robin.
:'''Christopher''': Sorry about that, Pooh. I'm so terribly sorry about that. I should've never shouted at you.
:'''Pooh''': Well, I am a bear of very little brain.
:'''Christopher''': No, Pooh. You are, I think, a bear of a very big heart. You'll be happy to hear that everyone's safe and sound. I saved them from a Heffalump which was, in fact, well, me… and Owl's weather vane.
:'''Pooh''': I'm sorry I wasn't there, but I am rather glad that I was here. Waiting for you.
:'''Christopher''': Thank you for waiting for me, Pooh.
:'''Pooh''': It's always a sunny day when Christopher Robin comes to play.
:'''Christopher''': I'm not so sure about that. I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Pooh''': Of course you are. You're our friend. Look at how you saved everybody today. You are our hero.
:'''Christopher''': I'm not a hero, Pooh. I'm lost.
:'''Pooh''': But I found you, didn't I? ''[he and Christopher embrace each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madeline''': ''[scared]'' You're talking!
:'''Pooh''': Me? No, I'm not talking. Oh, well I am now, I suppose.
:'''Madeline''': Wait. I recognize you. You're the bear in my father's drawings. Although, I didn't get your name.
:'''Pooh''': ''[smiling]'' Winnie the Pooh. &quot;Pooh&quot; for short. This is Piglet, Eeyore…
:'''Tigger''': ''[tumbling]'' Wait for me! ''[bumps a pole]''
:'''Eeyore''': Oh, dear.
:'''Tigger''': And I'm Tigger! T-I-double &quot;guh&quot;-ER.
:'''Madeline''': What's a Tigger?
:'''Tigger''': Well, I'm glad you asked. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Eeyore''': Please, not the song.
:'''Tigger''': ''[sings]''&lt;br&gt;''The wonderful thing about Tiggers''&lt;br&gt;''Is Tiggers are wonderful things!''&lt;br&gt;''Their tops are made of rubber, their bottoms are made of springs''&lt;br&gt;''They're bouncy, flouncy, trouncy, pouncy!''&lt;br&gt;''Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!''&lt;br&gt;''But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one!''
:'''Eeyore''': He does that a lot.
:'''Tigger''': ''[whispers]'' &lt;small&gt;I'm the only one.&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Madeline, Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore and Piglet are on a train to London]''
:'''Pooh''': And the game is called, &quot;Say What You See&quot;. You first, Piglet.
:'''Piglet''': ''[scared]'' Panic… worry… catastrophe…
:'''Tigger''': ''[excited]'' Speed… danger… recklessness! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Eeyore''': ''[gloomy]'' Disgrace… shame… humiliation…
:'''Pooh''': Well, that's one way to play it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[After Christopher Robin gives him a jar of honey]'' Christopher Robin, what day is it?
:'''Christopher''': It's today.
:'''Pooh''': Oh. My favorite day.
:'''Christopher''': Mine, too, Pooh. Mine, too.
:'''Pooh''': Yesterday, when it was tomorrow, it was too much day for me.
:'''Christopher''': ''[smiling]'' Silly old bear.

== Taglines ==
* Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.
* Out of the Wood. Into the City.
* back where they were. In theaters everywhere.

== Cast ==
=== Live-Action Characters ===
* '''[[Ewan McGregor]]''' — [[w:Christopher Robin|Christopher Robin]]
* '''[[Hayley Atwell]]''' — Evelyn Robin
* '''Bronte Carmichael''' — Madeleine Robin
* '''[[w:Mark Gatiss|Mark Gatiss]]''' — Giles Winslow Jr.
* '''[[w:Oliver Ford Davies|Oliver Ford Davies]]''' — Giles Winslow Sr.
* '''[[w:Ronke Adekoluejo|Ronke Adekoluejo]]''' — Katherine Dane
* '''[[w:Adrian Scarborough|Adrian P. Scarborough]]''' — Hal Gallsworthy

=== C.G.I. Character Voices ===
* '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] &amp; [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]
* '''[[Brad Garrett]]''' — [[w:Eeyore|Eeyore]]
* '''[[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]]''' — [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]]
* '''[[w:Nick Mohammed|Nick Mohammed]]''' — [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)|Piglet]]
* '''[[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]]''' — [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)|Rabbit]]
* '''[[w:Sophie Okonedo|Sophie Okonedo]]''' — [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Kanga|Kanga]]
* '''Sara Sheen''' — [[w:Roo|Roo]]

== External Links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{IMDb title|4575576}}

[[Category:2018 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Comedy-drama films]]
[[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]]
[[Category:Films set in London]]
[[Category:Films about friendship]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]
[[Category:Midlife crisis films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
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[[File:CHRISTOPHER ROBIN.png|right|thumb|Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.]]
'''''[[w:Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] American fantasy comedy-drama film about a working-class family man who encounters his childhood friend Winnie-the-Pooh, who helps him to rediscover the joys of life.
:''Directed by [[w:Marc Forster|Marc Forster]]. Written by [[w:Alex Ross Perry|Alex Ross Perry]], [[w:Tom McCarthy (director)|Tom McCarthy]] and [[w:Allison Schroeder|Allison Schroeder]], from a story by [[w:Greg Brooker (screenwriter)|Greg Brooker]] and [[w:Mark Steven Johnson|Mark Steven Johnson]]. The film is inspired by [[A. A. Milne]] and E. H. Shepard's book Winnie-the-Pooh.''
{{center|'''Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Young Christopher Robin and Pooh are sitting on a log at a tree at the top of a hill]''
:'''Young Christopher Robin''': Pooh, when I'm off not doing nothing, will you come up here sometimes?
:'''Winnie the Pooh''': Just me? Where will you be?
:'''Young Christopher''': ''[points at Pooh's head]'' I'll be right here.
:'''Pooh''': ''[concerned]'' But what should happen if you forget about me?
:'''Young Christopher''': I'll never forget about you, Pooh. I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
:'''Pooh''': How old will I be then?
:'''Young Christopher''': ''[smiles]'' 99. Silly old bear.
:'''Pooh''': ''[puts his head on Christopher's shoulder]'' Hmm. 99.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher Robin''': ''[after being told they have to cut to 20%]'' Sir, your father promised these people good jobs to come home to after the war. Well, they'd do anything for this company. I would do anything for this company.
:'''Giles Winslow Jr.''': My father has called an emergency meeting on Monday. We need to produce the cuts by then. It's sink or swim.
:'''Christopher''': ''[disappointed]'' But I promised my wife and daughter that I'd take them away this weekend, sir.
:'''Winslow Jr.''': ''[condescendingly]'' And I'd thought you'd do anything for this company.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Christopher''': ''[sits on a bench; exhausted]'' What to do, what to do, what to do?
:'''Pooh''': ''[behind Christopher]'' What to do indeed.
:'''Christopher''': Huh? ''[hears the voice and turns around to see Pooh; shocked]'' Pooh?!
:'''Pooh''': ''[happy]'' Christopher Robin!
:'''Christopher''': ''[even more shocked]'' No! No, no, no, no, no! You can't be here! Can you?
:'''Pooh''': Hmm.
:'''Christopher''': ''[still in shock]'' This can't be happening! It's stress.
:'''Pooh''': It's not stress.
:'''Christopher''': My God, I'm stressed.
:'''Pooh''': It's Pooh.
:'''Christopher''': I'm so exhausted. Evelyn warned me!
:'''Pooh''': I like to be warmed. Warmed and cozy.
:'''Christopher''': I've cracked. ''[touches Pooh's stomach]''
:'''Pooh''': Oh.
:'''Christopher''': I've totally cracked!
:'''Pooh''': I don't see any cracks. ''[puts his paw on Christopher's cheek]'' A few wrinkles, maybe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher walks into the kitchen, with items from a shelf that broke by Pooh to be on the floor]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[disappointed]'' What luck.
:'''Christopher''': ''[shocked]'' Pooh!
:'''Pooh''': Your ladder is broken.
:'''Christopher''': That's not a ladder, that was a shelf!
:'''Pooh''': Well that explains why it's no good for climbing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher and Pooh are on a train to Sussex to take Pooh back to the Hundred Acre Wood. Christopher is doing his work.]''
:'''Christopher''': ''[after being distracted by Pooh asking about his briefcase]'' Pooh, do you think you might be able to amuse yourself for a while? I have got some rather pressing work to do.
:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at the window]'' House… clouds… house… tree… bush… a man… dog…
:'''Christopher''': ''[distracted]'' Pooh, what're you doing?
:'''Pooh''': Oh, I'm playing a game. It's called, &quot;Say What You See&quot;.
:'''Christopher''': Well, could you &quot;say what you see&quot; a little more quietly?
:'''Pooh''': ''[looks at the window, whispering]'' House… grass… trees… pond… I don't know what that is. Well, that's a man.
:'''Christopher''': ''[distracted]'' Pooh, little bit more quietly, please.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher and Pooh are at the Hundred Acre Wood, looking for Pooh's friends. Christopher Robin gave Pooh a compass from his service in WWII, staying in one direction, until Christopher notices the &quot;Heffalumps and Woozles&quot; sign they just passed.]''
:'''Christopher''': Isn't this the same sign? Pooh, are you sure we're still heading north?
:'''Pooh''': Let me look. ''[Looks at the compass]''
:'''Christopher''': You haven't been looking?
:'''Pooh''': Not since I started following these footsteps.
:'''Christopher''': ''[drops his briefcase in frustration]'' Pooh, they're ''our'' footsteps! Oh, we've just been going around in a great, big circle! What's the matter with you? All you had to do was follow the compass!
:'''Pooh''': But it led us to the Heffalumps and the Woozles.
:'''Christopher''': There are ''no'' Heffalumps and Woozles, do you hear?! Oh, I should never have trusted you with it!
:'''Pooh''': ''[disappointed]'' Sorry. I'll put it back in the holder of important… ''[trips on Christopher's briefcase accidentally opening it]'' …things.
:''[the papers start to fly out of the briefcase from the wind]''
:'''Christopher''': Oh, my papers! They're irreplaceable! I shall never remember all of this! ''[angry]'' Oh, Pooh, you're right. You ''are'' a bear of very little brain! Do you know what will happen if I lose one single sheet of this? Winslow will eat me for breakfast!
:'''Pooh''': A Woozle will eat you for breakfast?
:'''Christopher''': ''[Annoyed]'' Yes! A great big Woozle will gobble me up!
:'''Pooh''': Well, that doesn't sound like fun.
:'''Christopher''': And that's the real world for you! Oh, Pooh, there's more to life than just balloons and honey.
:'''Pooh''': Are you sure?
:'''Christopher''': Silly bear. I don't know why you came back. I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult with adult responsibilities.
:'''Pooh''': But you're Christopher Robin.
:'''Christopher''': No. I'm not how you remember me. ''[begins to walk away]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[sad]'' Sorry. You're right. You should let me go... for a fish in the sea.
:'''Christopher''': ''[Confused]'' &quot;A fish in the sea&quot;? No, &quot;Efficiency&quot;! ''[turns around to face Pooh, but finds him gone]'' Pooh? Pooh? Winnie the Pooh? ''[hears a loud noise]'' I haven't got time for this. '''POOH!''' Pooh, where are you? Oh, where have you gone? Silly bear, didn't mean to frighten you. Pooh? Tigger? Eeyore? Anyone? What have I done? ''[the sound gets louder and closer, causing Christopher to panic]'' There's no such thing as Heffalumps and Woozles! Ooh, not real, not real, not real! ''[Begins running until he falls in a hole and notices a sign that says, 'Gotcha']'' '''OH, NO! NO, I'M NOT A HEFFALUMP! THEY'RE UP THERE AND I'M DOWN HERE! POOH! SOMEBODY, HELP!!!''' ''[now it starts to rain]'' Oh, perfect! ''[tries to get up but is knocked unconscious by a rock that fell from above]''
:'''Christopher''': ow ow Ow! Ow ow..
''[wakes up, groans, then yelps when he sees the Water Rising up to the hole]''
:''Christopher''': oh no no no no! I have been unconscious while the water was Rising! I need to be with Madeline and tell her that I love her and that I wanted to be with her and....
:'''Pooh''': hello Christopher Robin.
''[Christopher then turns and gasps when he sees Pooh standing by him]''
:'''Pooh''': this is the perfect heffalump trap to catch Heffalumps and Woozles. With water filling up in the hole.
:'''Christopher''': oh oh Pooh! I'm so glad you're here. I thought I lost you. Now go get a rope and pull me out of this hole. Once you've gotten a rope, reel it down until it reaches me and I can climb on and get out of the hole. That is how the plan works. Hurry out and get a- ''[Pooh jumps into the water]'' POOH!
:'''Pooh''': I cannot get a rope even though that I am a Pooh Bear and catching Heffalumps and Woozles is the only thing I do. So I'm going into this hole and wait for Heffalumps to arrive and fall into the hole.
:'''Christopher''': but now we are both stuck. We will never get out of this hole; what is the end of us? ''[noticing his briefcase bobbing up and down in the water and pushes Pooh on top of it]'' be on top of here it'll keep you afloat.
:'''Pooh''': well it doesn't sound a little nice to be on top of here. But the only way to calm down and not panic is do nothing. Just do nothing and Hope will come to you.
''[Pooh slips off the briefcase and sinks to the bottom of the hole. Christopher stays calm and cool and doesn't panic when he sees his best friend underwater. He decides to sink under the water with him to reunite with his friend and closes his eyes and lets himself sink leaving his umbrella and briefcase up the surface of the water. There he finds Pooh breathing normally]''
:'''Pooh''': Isn't it nice Christopher Robin?
:'''Christopher''': yes Pooh it is nice indeed. ''[he touches his ears and feels that they are furry and purple]'' wait this isn't right.
''[he begins feeling his nose and finds that his nose had become a trunk. He sees Pooh swimming away from him in fear and tries to comfort his friend. But then he realizes that he is not only swimming away from him but is swimming away from a heffalump! Christopher tries to save his friend but then he gets sucked into a Heffalump truck and the song Heffalumps and Woozles plays in the background. Christopher tries to swim back up but the third Heffalump has its stronger trunk and begins pulling Christopher backward. Finally Christopher gets an answer but not only does he escape from the Heffalump but get sucked into his trunk and he suddenly wakes up with a start]''
:'''Christopher''': oh that was just a nightmare.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Christopher is at the tree where he and Pooh talked last time years ago. Christopher sits next to Pooh.]''
:'''Christopher''': Hello, Pooh.
:'''Pooh''': ''[calm]'' Hello, Christopher Robin.
:'''Christopher''': Sorry about that, Pooh. I'm so terribly sorry about that. I should've never shouted at you.
:'''Pooh''': Well, I am a bear of very little brain.
:'''Christopher''': No, Pooh. You are, I think, a bear of a very big heart. You'll be happy to hear that everyone's safe and sound. I saved them from a Heffalump which was, in fact, well, me… and Owl's weather vane.
:'''Pooh''': I'm sorry I wasn't there, but I am rather glad that I was here. Waiting for you.
:'''Christopher''': Thank you for waiting for me, Pooh.
:'''Pooh''': It's always a sunny day when Christopher Robin comes to play.
:'''Christopher''': I'm not so sure about that. I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Pooh''': Of course you are. You're our friend. Look at how you saved everybody today. You are our hero.
:'''Christopher''': I'm not a hero, Pooh. I'm lost.
:'''Pooh''': But I found you, didn't I? ''[he and Christopher embrace each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madeline''': ''[scared]'' You're talking!
:'''Pooh''': Me? No, I'm not talking. Oh, well I am now, I suppose.
:'''Madeline''': Wait. I recognize you. You're the bear in my father's drawings. Although, I didn't get your name.
:'''Pooh''': ''[smiling]'' Winnie the Pooh. &quot;Pooh&quot; for short. This is Piglet, Eeyore…
:'''Tigger''': ''[tumbling]'' Wait for me! ''[bumps a pole]''
:'''Eeyore''': Oh, dear.
:'''Tigger''': And I'm Tigger! T-I-double &quot;guh&quot;-ER.
:'''Madeline''': What's a Tigger?
:'''Tigger''': Well, I'm glad you asked. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Eeyore''': Please, not the song.
:'''Tigger''': ''[sings]''&lt;br&gt;''The wonderful thing about Tiggers''&lt;br&gt;''Is Tiggers are wonderful things!''&lt;br&gt;''Their tops are made of rubber, their bottoms are made of springs''&lt;br&gt;''They're bouncy, flouncy, trouncy, pouncy!''&lt;br&gt;''Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!''&lt;br&gt;''But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one!''
:'''Eeyore''': He does that a lot.
:'''Tigger''': ''[whispers]'' &lt;small&gt;I'm the only one.&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Madeline, Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore and Piglet are on a train to London]''
:'''Pooh''': And the game is called, &quot;Say What You See&quot;. You first, Piglet.
:'''Piglet''': ''[scared]'' Panic… worry… catastrophe…
:'''Tigger''': ''[excited]'' Speed… danger… recklessness! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
:'''Eeyore''': ''[gloomy]'' Disgrace… shame… humiliation…
:'''Pooh''': Well, that's one way to play it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Pooh''': ''[After Christopher Robin gives him a jar of honey]'' Christopher Robin, what day is it?
:'''Christopher''': It's today.
:'''Pooh''': Oh. My favorite day.
:'''Christopher''': Mine, too, Pooh. Mine, too.
:'''Pooh''': Yesterday, when it was tomorrow, it was too much day for me.
:'''Christopher''': ''[smiling]'' Silly old bear.

== Taglines ==
* Sooner or later, your past catches up to you.
* Out of the Wood. Into the City.
* back where they were. In theaters everywhere.

== Cast ==
=== Live-Action Characters ===
* '''[[Ewan McGregor]]''' — [[w:Christopher Robin|Christopher Robin]]
* '''[[Hayley Atwell]]''' — Evelyn Robin
* '''Bronte Carmichael''' — Madeleine Robin
* '''[[w:Mark Gatiss|Mark Gatiss]]''' — Giles Winslow Jr.
* '''[[w:Oliver Ford Davies|Oliver Ford Davies]]''' — Giles Winslow Sr.
* '''[[w:Ronke Adekoluejo|Ronke Adekoluejo]]''' — Katherine Dane
* '''[[w:Adrian Scarborough|Adrian P. Scarborough]]''' — Hal Gallsworthy

=== C.G.I. Character Voices ===
* '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] &amp; [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]
* '''[[Brad Garrett]]''' — [[w:Eeyore|Eeyore]]
* '''[[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]]''' — [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]]
* '''[[w:Nick Mohammed|Nick Mohammed]]''' — [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)|Piglet]]
* '''[[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]]''' — [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)|Rabbit]]
* '''[[w:Sophie Okonedo|Sophie Okonedo]]''' — [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Kanga|Kanga]]
* '''Sara Sheen''' — [[w:Roo|Roo]]

== External Links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{IMDb title|4575576}}

[[Category:2018 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Comedy-drama films]]
[[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]]
[[Category:Films set in London]]
[[Category:Films about friendship]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]
[[Category:Midlife crisis films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Great Invocation</title>
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      <text bytes="14193" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tian Tan Buddha by Beria.jpg|thumb|From the point of Light within the Mind of God, Let Light stream forth into the minds of men. Let Light descend on Earth.]]
[[File:Niccolo di Segna, Christ Blessing, ca. 1340, North Carolina Museum of Art.jpg|thumb|From the point of Love within the  Heart  of God, Let love stream forth into the hearts of men. May  Christ  return to Earth.]]
[[File:Titian, Salvator Mundi (Christ Blessing), c. 1570, oil on canvas, 96 x 80 cm, Hermitage Museum.jpg|thumb|From the centre where the Will of God is known, Let  purpose  guide the little wills of men – The purpose which the Masters know and serve.]]
[[File:World_Peace_Gong_in_Gödöllő.JPG|thumb|From the centre which we call the race of men, Let the Plan of Love and Light work out, And may it seal the door where evil dwells.]] 
[[File:Karbala_-_26_August_2007_(12_8606040599_L600).jpg|thumb|Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth.]]

'''The Great Invocation''' is a 1937 mantra by [[Alice Bailey]].
 
== [[w:Alice_Bailey#The_Great_Invocation|The Great Invocation]]''==
* From the point of  Light  within the  Mind of  God  
* Let light stream forth into the minds of men.  
* Let Light descend on  Earth.  &lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;
* From the point of  Love  within the  Heart  of God 
* Let love stream forth into the hearts of men. 
* May  Christ  return to Earth.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;
* From the centre where the Will of God is known 
* Let  purpose  guide the little wills of men –  
* The purpose which the Masters know and serve. &lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;
* From the centre which we call the race of men
* Let the Plan of Love and Light work out 
* And may it seal the door where evil dwells.&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;
* Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth.

==Quotes about The Great Invocation==

*Some time ago I gave out to the world – under instruction from the Christ – an Invocation that is destined to become of major usefulness in bringing about certain great events. These are:
# An outpouring of love and light upon mankind, from Shamballa.
# An invocatory appeal to the Christ, the Head of the Hierarchy, to reappear.
# The establishing on earth of the divine Plan, to be accomplished willingly by humanity itself.

*Incidentally, these three events are relatively near, and will be brought about by a conscious working out of the immediate phase of the Plan, which it is the divine intention to bring about to a certain extent, before the reappearance of the Christ. The establishing of right human relations, is the immediate task, and is that phase of the Plan of Love and Light to which humanity can most easily respond, and for which they are already evidencing a sense of responsibility.
*Little attention has been paid to the factor of invocation as expressed by the people of the world; yet down the ages the invocative cry of humanity has risen to the Hierarchy, and brought response. . . .
*Now the Great Invocation, as used by the Hierarchy itself, has been given out to the world. So reactionary is human thinking, that the claim made by me, that it is one of the greatest of the world's prayers, and is on a par with the other voiced expressions of spiritual desire and intention, will evoke criticism. That is of no importance . . .
*The uniqueness connected with the Invocation, consists in the fact that it is, in reality, a great method of integration. It links the Father, the Christ and humanity in one great relationship. . . . The Great Invocation relates the will of the Father (or of Shamballa), the love of the Hierarchy, and the service of Humanity, into one great Triangle of Energies; this triangle will have two major results: the &quot;sealing of the door where evil dwells&quot;, and the working out through the Power of God, let loose on earth through the Invocation, of the Plan of Love and Light . . .
*The Invocation has been sent out by the combined Ashrams of the Masters and by the entire Hierarchy; it is used by its Members with constancy, exactitude and power. It will serve to integrate the two great centres: the Hierarchy and Humanity, and to relate them both in a new and dynamic manner to the &quot;centre where the Will of God is known&quot;.
*I ask you, therefore, during the coming years, to prepare, to use, and to distribute the Invocation, and make it a major endeavour.
**[[Alice Bailey]],  [[Djwhal Khul]]  ''The Rays and the Initiations''  (1960)  [https://www.lucistrust.org/books/ponder_on_this/ponder_online/contents/part_2/books_ponder_on_this_ponder_online_contents_part_2_064_067#64 p. 755-759]

*'''Suggested Visualizations'''
* When you say the first line: “From the point of Light . . . ,” visualize (or think of, if you cannot visualize) the Buddha...hand raised in blessing...see emanating from... Buddha, a brilliant golden light... [streaming into] the minds of men everywhere.
* When you say... “Let Light descend on Earth,” visualize the physical sun... see emanating from it beams of white light... [entering &amp; saturating] the Earth.
* When you say: “From the point of Love . . . ,” visualize the Christ (the Embodiment of Love)...standing, arms raised in blessing, and see emanating from the heart... [and] hands of the Christ... brilliant rose coloured light (not red)... entering the hearts of men everywhere.
* When you say... “May Christ return to Earth,” remember that this refers to the Hierarchy as a whole...not only to the Christ. He is the heart centre of the Hierarchy, and although He is now among us, the remainder of the Hierarchy (that part of it which will externalize slowly over the years) still must be invoked...the magnetic conduit for Their descent must be maintained.
* When you say: “From the centre where the Will of God is known . . . ,” (which is Shamballa)...Visualize beams of light streaming from this brilliant sphere, entering the world, galvanizing mankind into spiritual action.
* Do this with focused thought and intention, your attention fixed on the ajna centre...There is nothing better you can do for the world or yourselves than to channel these great spiritual potencies.
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://share-international.org/books/?d=TMNA ''Transmission: A Meditation for the New Age''], p. 24/25, (1983)  

*This new Invocation, if given widespread distribution, can be to the new world religion what the [[Lord's Prayer]] has been to Christianity and the 23rd [[Psalms|Psalm]] has been to the spiritually minded Jew.
**Lucis Trust, &quot;The Use and Significance of the Great Invocation,&quot; https://www.lucistrust.org/the_great_invocation/the_use_and_significance_the_great_invocation1, accessed Nov 20, 2021

*This invocation is a mantram for &quot;Light and Power&quot; and presents what may be considered a blueprint of the Divine Plan as the Plan is intended to express itself on Earth through the medium of the human race. The Tibetan Teacher and [[Masters of Wisdom|Master of the Wisdom]], [[Djwhal Khul]], labored most meticulously with [[Alice Bailey|Alice A. Bailey]], his amanuensis, to ensure that this ancient Word of power was translated with great exactitude into the English language. &lt;BR&gt; Today, this mantram is known all over the world as &quot;The Great Invocation&quot;; it has been translated into over a hundred languages and is used on a daily basis by millions of human beings. Every year, World Invocation Day is dedicated to the ceaseless sounding of The Great Invocation - in almost every country of the world. 
** Michael D. Robbins, [https://sevenray.org/the-great-invocation/ The Great Invocation, ''Seven Ray Institute'']

*At this time, the Great Invocation is the greatest aid to humanity. The fulcrum, the axis of the Great Invocation, is Christ - the reappearance of the great Lord, [the] Christ...a living individual... &lt;BR&gt;[[Mantra|Mantrams]] are like chemical or geometrical formulas; changing one word gives the mantram an entirely different result, or makes it misleading, dangerous or useless. Mantrams are transmitters of energy. When the transmitter is not constructed in a particular order, the energies can be destructive or negative, creating confusion and chaos in the subtle planes of human endeavor. Many mental disorders are the result of a misuse of prayers, mantrams and chanting. Let us not forget that the Hierarchy uses the Great Invocation in its original form every day.... '''Those who, with good intentions, want to change the Great Invocation, would do better to create a totally different invocation of their own - instead of distorting a masterpiece painting with their unskilled brush.'''
**Torkom Saraydarian in &quot;Triangles of Fire&quot; quoted  [https://www.tsgfoundation.org/40-faqs/teaching/19-the-great-invocation.html by the TSG Foundation] 

*The Great Invocation — An ancient formula, translated by Hierarchy for the use of mankind to invoke the energies which will change our world. Translated into many languages, it is used daily by millions of people.
**''Share International'' [http://www.share-international.org/background/glossary/g_main.htm Glossary of Esoteric Terms]

*[[Triangles Meditation|'''The Triangles movement''']] was inaugurated by the Master Djwhal Khul through Alice Bailey...It was an attempt (and a very successful one) to link people in mental substance – getting them to form a more powerful unit than their own separated selves. The Triangles movement consists in organizing those triangles. To be a member of a triangle, you simply agree with two friends to form one. You do not have to be in the same location. You do not have to say the Great Invocation at the same time of day. You each say it aloud wherever and whenever it is convenient, and as you do, each of you mentally links up with the two other members of the triangle. Visualize circulating above the heads of the three of you a triangle of white light. See your triangle linked to a network of such triangles which covers the whole world.
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in  [https://share-ecart.com/transmission-a-meditation-for-the-new-age-pdf/ ''Transmission: A Meditation for the New Age, Share International''] (1983)
 
*Humanity has been given an extraordinarily potent tool whereby the energy of the Masters can be invoked at will. It is called the Great Invocation. The Christ Himself used it for the first time in June 1945, when He announced to His Brothers, the [[Masters of Wisdom]], that He was ready to return to the world at the earliest possible moment, as soon as humanity took the first steps towards sharing and co-operation for the general good. It was translated by the Masters and released to the world by the Tibetan [[Djwhal Khul|Master Djwhal Khul]] through His amanuensis [[Alice A. Bailey]]. The Great Invocation is a very potent prayer. By its use, any group of transmitters can invoke the energies of the Christ and the Masters, and, acting as instruments, allow these energies to pass through their chakras in a simple, pleasant and scientific manner.&lt;BR&gt;The important thing is regularity. What is required is for the group to meet regularly, at least once a week, always at the same time. In this way the Masters can depend on a group of individuals being physically present at that time. By the use of the Great Invocation, the group aligns itself with Hierarchy, and the Masters transmit the energies through the group to the world. This process of Transmission will go on into the New Age and beyond, for as long as humanity exists.
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in  [https://share-ecart.com/transmission-a-meditation-for-the-new-age-pdf/ ''Transmission: A Meditation for the New Age, Share International''] (1983)
 
*There is no real difference between the [[Triangles Meditation|Triangles work]] and [[Transmission Meditation|Transmission groups]]; the only difference is one of potency and the amount of time devoted to the activity...  It (the Great Invocation) should be thought, mentally... [[Masters of Wisdom|The Masters]] transmit energy all the time. They are the Custodians of the destiny of this planet. You are safe in the hands of the Masters of Wisdom.&lt;BR&gt;This Great Invocation used by the Christ for the first time in June 1945, was released by Him to humanity to enable man himself to invoke the energies which would change our world, and make possible the return of [[The World Teacher for All Humanity|the Christ and Hierarchy]]. This is not the form of it used by the Christ. He uses an ancient formula, seven mystic phrases long, in an ancient sacerdotal tongue. It has been translated (by Hierarchy) into terms which we can use and understand and, translated into many languages, is used today in almost every country in the world.
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''Transmission: A Meditation for the New Age, Share International'' (1983)
 
*The Great Invocation is so powerful a [[Mantra|mantram]] and so broad in its margin of error that it can be said perfectly, semi-perfectly or very inadequately and it will still invoke the energies, as long as you say it with intention. You have to bring the will into it. When you say it, your attention must be focused at the ajna centre between the eyebrows. It is the intention of the will linked with Hierarchy that does it.&lt;BR&gt;Potent as it is, it can be made even more so if used in [[Triangles Meditation|triangular formation]]. If you wish to work in this way, arrange with two friends to use the Invocation, aloud, daily. You need not be in the same town, or country, or say it at the same time of day. Simply say it when convenient for each one, and, linking up mentally with the two other members, visualize a triangle of white light circulating above your heads and see it linked to a network of such triangles, covering the world.
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in  [https://share-ecart.com/transmission-a-meditation-for-the-new-age-pdf/ ''Transmission: A Meditation for the New Age, Share International''] (1983)
 
==Group Meditations that use the Great Invocation==
*[[Transmission Meditation]]
*[[Triangles Meditation]]

== See Also ==
* [[The Ageless Wisdom Teachings]]
*[[Alice Bailey]]
*[[Benjamin Creme]]
*[[Mantras]]
*[[Meditation]]
*[[Prayer]]

==External Links==
* [https://www.lucistrust.org/the_great_invocation  The Great Invocation] Lucis Trust

[[Category:Religion]]</text>
      <sha1>t3t8y4k5rp3oya985obdtnv049zkcg3</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>F Is for Family</title>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153367</id>
      <parentid>3148754</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T21:49:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:D590:76C7:2659:A476</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bye Bye, Frankie [5.08] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7894" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:F Is for Family|F Is for Family]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Bill Burr|Bill Burr]] and [[w:Michael Price (writer)|Michael Price]] and produced by [[w:Gaumont International Television|Gaumont International Television]] and [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]]'s Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Bleedin' in Sweden'' [1.01] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE ''MET'' GOD!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not doing anything!
:'''Frank''': Neither was I. That's how you got here.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Vic''': Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

=== ''Saturday Bloody Saturday'' [1.02] ===
:'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam. 
:'''Kevin''': What? I'm not?
:'''Frank''': You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bob &quot;Pogo&quot; Pogrohovich''': They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

=== ''The Trough'' [1.03] ===

=== ''&quot;F&quot; is for Halloween'' [1.04] ===
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Cocksucker!
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': What if she never comes home?
:'''Frank''': DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

=== ''Bill Murphy's Day Off'' [1.05] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off. 
:'''Bill''': Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended. 
:'''Kevin''': I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke! They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit, then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit, and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

=== ''O Holy Moly Night'' [1.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Heavy Sledding'' [2.01] ===

=== ''A Girl Named Sue'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Liar's Club'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Night Shift'' [2.04] ===

=== ''Breaking Bill'' [2.05] ===

=== ''This Is Not Good'' [2.06] ===

=== ''Fight Night'' [2.07] ===

=== ''F Is for Fixing It'' [2.08] ===

=== ''Pray Away'' [2.09] ===

=== ''Landing the Plane'' [2.10] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Are You Ready for the Summer?'' [3.01] ===

=== ''Paul Lynde to Block'' [3.02] ===

=== ''The Stinger'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride'' [3.04] ===

=== ''Battle of the Sexes'' [3.05] ===

=== ''Punch Drunk'' [3.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not ''that'' lucky.
:'''Frank Murphy''': You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

=== ''Summer Vacation'' [3.07] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?
:'''Bill Murphy''': We shove it down…
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's right. And later in life we take it out on someone else.

=== ''It's in His Blood'' [3.08] ===
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! ''I'' break up with ''you!''
:'''Bill Murphy''': You ''did'' break up with me!
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': THE ''FUCK'' I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.
:'''Bill Murphy''': You were being nice?!

=== ''Frank the Father'' [3.09] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Kevin Murphy''': ... Door was supposed to swing out...
:'''Frank Murphy''': Yeah, well, I should have ''pulled'' out! Fucking jailbird!
:'''International Touch''': ''[approaching Kevin]'' Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!
:'''Frank Murphy''': He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
:'''International Touch''': Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

=== ''Bill Murphy's Night Off'' [3.10] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Father Confessor'' [4.01] ===

=== ''Nothing is Impossible'' [4.02] ===

=== ''Bring me a Tooth'' [4.03] ===
:'''Amy Jenkins''': You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': Go suck your mother's dick!
:'''Amy Jenkins''': At least I ''have'' a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': ''[yelling after her]'' Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says &quot;Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!&quot; ''[pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby]'' I won't let her say that about you.

=== ''The B Word'' [4.04] ===

=== ''Just Breathe'' [4.05] ===

=== ''Come to Papa'' [4.06] ===

=== ''R is For Rosie'' [4.07] ===

=== ''Murphy &amp; Son'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Land Ho!'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Baby, Baby, Baby'' [4.10] ===

== Season 5 ==

=== ''The Mahogany Fortress'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Rustvale Massacre'' [5.02] ===

=== ''Blind Alley'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Thank You So Much'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Searchers'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Screw Ups'' [5.06] ===

=== ''A Very Merry F***ing Christmas'' [5.07] ===

=== ''Bye Bye, Frankie'' [5.08] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.
:'''Frank''': How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?
:'''Dick''': Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Netflix Animation]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153374</id>
      <parentid>3153367</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T22:07:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:D590:76C7:2659:A476</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bye Bye, Frankie [5.08] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9427" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:F Is for Family|F Is for Family]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Bill Burr|Bill Burr]] and [[w:Michael Price (writer)|Michael Price]] and produced by [[w:Gaumont International Television|Gaumont International Television]] and [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]]'s Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Bleedin' in Sweden'' [1.01] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE ''MET'' GOD!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not doing anything!
:'''Frank''': Neither was I. That's how you got here.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Vic''': Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

=== ''Saturday Bloody Saturday'' [1.02] ===
:'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam. 
:'''Kevin''': What? I'm not?
:'''Frank''': You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bob &quot;Pogo&quot; Pogrohovich''': They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

=== ''The Trough'' [1.03] ===

=== ''&quot;F&quot; is for Halloween'' [1.04] ===
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Cocksucker!
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': What if she never comes home?
:'''Frank''': DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

=== ''Bill Murphy's Day Off'' [1.05] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off. 
:'''Bill''': Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended. 
:'''Kevin''': I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke! They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit, then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit, and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

=== ''O Holy Moly Night'' [1.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Heavy Sledding'' [2.01] ===

=== ''A Girl Named Sue'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Liar's Club'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Night Shift'' [2.04] ===

=== ''Breaking Bill'' [2.05] ===

=== ''This Is Not Good'' [2.06] ===

=== ''Fight Night'' [2.07] ===

=== ''F Is for Fixing It'' [2.08] ===

=== ''Pray Away'' [2.09] ===

=== ''Landing the Plane'' [2.10] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Are You Ready for the Summer?'' [3.01] ===

=== ''Paul Lynde to Block'' [3.02] ===

=== ''The Stinger'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride'' [3.04] ===

=== ''Battle of the Sexes'' [3.05] ===

=== ''Punch Drunk'' [3.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not ''that'' lucky.
:'''Frank Murphy''': You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

=== ''Summer Vacation'' [3.07] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?
:'''Bill Murphy''': We shove it down…
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's right. And later in life we take it out on someone else.

=== ''It's in His Blood'' [3.08] ===
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! ''I'' break up with ''you!''
:'''Bill Murphy''': You ''did'' break up with me!
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': THE ''FUCK'' I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.
:'''Bill Murphy''': You were being nice?!

=== ''Frank the Father'' [3.09] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Kevin Murphy''': ... Door was supposed to swing out...
:'''Frank Murphy''': Yeah, well, I should have ''pulled'' out! Fucking jailbird!
:'''International Touch''': ''[approaching Kevin]'' Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!
:'''Frank Murphy''': He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
:'''International Touch''': Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

=== ''Bill Murphy's Night Off'' [3.10] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Father Confessor'' [4.01] ===

=== ''Nothing is Impossible'' [4.02] ===

=== ''Bring me a Tooth'' [4.03] ===
:'''Amy Jenkins''': You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': Go suck your mother's dick!
:'''Amy Jenkins''': At least I ''have'' a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': ''[yelling after her]'' Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says &quot;Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!&quot; ''[pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby]'' I won't let her say that about you.

=== ''The B Word'' [4.04] ===

=== ''Just Breathe'' [4.05] ===

=== ''Come to Papa'' [4.06] ===

=== ''R is For Rosie'' [4.07] ===

=== ''Murphy &amp; Son'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Land Ho!'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Baby, Baby, Baby'' [4.10] ===

== Season 5 ==

=== ''The Mahogany Fortress'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Rustvale Massacre'' [5.02] ===

=== ''Blind Alley'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Thank You So Much'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Searchers'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Screw Ups'' [5.06] ===

=== ''A Very Merry F***ing Christmas'' [5.07] ===

=== ''Bye Bye, Frankie'' [5.08] ===
:'''Susan Murphy''': That's enough of your &quot;poor me&quot; bullshit! 
:'''Frank Murphy''': What did I do?! 
:'''Susan''': Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Grandma Nora. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]].
:'''Bill Murphy''': [[w:Johnny Unitas|Johnny Unitas]] that one time.
:'''Frank''': Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was [[w:Earl Morrall|Earl Morrall]]'s fault! ''[getting angrier and louder]'' Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Willie Namath]], THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!
:''[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]''
:'''Frank''': What?! It's true!
:'''Susan''': But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but ''we'' are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.
:'''Frank''': IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!
:''[Megan starts crying]''
:'''Susan''': Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter. 
:'''Frank''': ''[quietly, ashamed]'' Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head. 
:'''Susan''': Nobody here is stopping you.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.
:'''Frank''': How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?
:'''Dick''': Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Netflix Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>oplu4m59m1cdrtzcx264udwzl9onfv2</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153378</id>
      <parentid>3153374</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T22:22:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:D590:76C7:2659:A476</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Screw Ups [5.06] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10128" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:F Is for Family|F Is for Family]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Bill Burr|Bill Burr]] and [[w:Michael Price (writer)|Michael Price]] and produced by [[w:Gaumont International Television|Gaumont International Television]] and [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]]'s Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Bleedin' in Sweden'' [1.01] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE ''MET'' GOD!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not doing anything!
:'''Frank''': Neither was I. That's how you got here.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Vic''': Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

=== ''Saturday Bloody Saturday'' [1.02] ===
:'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam. 
:'''Kevin''': What? I'm not?
:'''Frank''': You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bob &quot;Pogo&quot; Pogrohovich''': They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

=== ''The Trough'' [1.03] ===

=== ''&quot;F&quot; is for Halloween'' [1.04] ===
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Cocksucker!
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': What if she never comes home?
:'''Frank''': DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

=== ''Bill Murphy's Day Off'' [1.05] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off. 
:'''Bill''': Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended. 
:'''Kevin''': I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke! They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit, then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit, and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

=== ''O Holy Moly Night'' [1.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Heavy Sledding'' [2.01] ===

=== ''A Girl Named Sue'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Liar's Club'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Night Shift'' [2.04] ===

=== ''Breaking Bill'' [2.05] ===

=== ''This Is Not Good'' [2.06] ===

=== ''Fight Night'' [2.07] ===

=== ''F Is for Fixing It'' [2.08] ===

=== ''Pray Away'' [2.09] ===

=== ''Landing the Plane'' [2.10] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Are You Ready for the Summer?'' [3.01] ===

=== ''Paul Lynde to Block'' [3.02] ===

=== ''The Stinger'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride'' [3.04] ===

=== ''Battle of the Sexes'' [3.05] ===

=== ''Punch Drunk'' [3.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not ''that'' lucky.
:'''Frank Murphy''': You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

=== ''Summer Vacation'' [3.07] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?
:'''Bill Murphy''': We shove it down…
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's right. And later in life we take it out on someone else.

=== ''It's in His Blood'' [3.08] ===
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! ''I'' break up with ''you!''
:'''Bill Murphy''': You ''did'' break up with me!
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': THE ''FUCK'' I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.
:'''Bill Murphy''': You were being nice?!

=== ''Frank the Father'' [3.09] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Kevin Murphy''': ... Door was supposed to swing out...
:'''Frank Murphy''': Yeah, well, I should have ''pulled'' out! Fucking jailbird!
:'''International Touch''': ''[approaching Kevin]'' Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!
:'''Frank Murphy''': He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
:'''International Touch''': Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

=== ''Bill Murphy's Night Off'' [3.10] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Father Confessor'' [4.01] ===

=== ''Nothing is Impossible'' [4.02] ===

=== ''Bring me a Tooth'' [4.03] ===
:'''Amy Jenkins''': You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': Go suck your mother's dick!
:'''Amy Jenkins''': At least I ''have'' a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': ''[yelling after her]'' Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says &quot;Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!&quot; ''[pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby]'' I won't let her say that about you.

=== ''The B Word'' [4.04] ===

=== ''Just Breathe'' [4.05] ===

=== ''Come to Papa'' [4.06] ===

=== ''R is For Rosie'' [4.07] ===

=== ''Murphy &amp; Son'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Land Ho!'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Baby, Baby, Baby'' [4.10] ===

== Season 5 ==

=== ''The Mahogany Fortress'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Rustvale Massacre'' [5.02] ===

=== ''Blind Alley'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Thank You So Much'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Searchers'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Screw Ups'' [5.06] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...
:''[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': '''''NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!'''''
:''[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]''
:'''Frank''': I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?
:'''Bill''': Okay. Can I still be your cop?
:'''Frank''': Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.

=== ''A Very Merry F***ing Christmas'' [5.07] ===

=== ''Bye Bye, Frankie'' [5.08] ===
:'''Susan Murphy''': That's enough of your &quot;poor me&quot; bullshit! 
:'''Frank Murphy''': What did I do?! 
:'''Susan''': Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Grandma Nora. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]].
:'''Bill Murphy''': [[w:Johnny Unitas|Johnny Unitas]] that one time.
:'''Frank''': Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was [[w:Earl Morrall|Earl Morrall]]'s fault! ''[getting angrier and louder]'' Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Willie Namath]], THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!
:''[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]''
:'''Frank''': What?! It's true!
:'''Susan''': But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but ''we'' are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.
:'''Frank''': IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!
:''[Megan starts crying]''
:'''Susan''': Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter. 
:'''Frank''': ''[quietly, ashamed]'' Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head. 
:'''Susan''': Nobody here is stopping you.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.
:'''Frank''': How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?
:'''Dick''': Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Netflix Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>qb9d6awggveb9me8s4xjbursj6fg550</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153379</id>
      <parentid>3153378</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T22:25:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:D590:76C7:2659:A476</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Screw Ups [5.06] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10149" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:F Is for Family|F Is for Family]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Bill Burr|Bill Burr]] and [[w:Michael Price (writer)|Michael Price]] and produced by [[w:Gaumont International Television|Gaumont International Television]] and [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]]'s Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Bleedin' in Sweden'' [1.01] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE ''MET'' GOD!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not doing anything!
:'''Frank''': Neither was I. That's how you got here.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Vic''': Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

=== ''Saturday Bloody Saturday'' [1.02] ===
:'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam. 
:'''Kevin''': What? I'm not?
:'''Frank''': You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bob &quot;Pogo&quot; Pogrohovich''': They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

=== ''The Trough'' [1.03] ===

=== ''&quot;F&quot; is for Halloween'' [1.04] ===
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Cocksucker!
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': What if she never comes home?
:'''Frank''': DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

=== ''Bill Murphy's Day Off'' [1.05] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off. 
:'''Bill''': Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended. 
:'''Kevin''': I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke! They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit, then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit, and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

=== ''O Holy Moly Night'' [1.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Heavy Sledding'' [2.01] ===

=== ''A Girl Named Sue'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Liar's Club'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Night Shift'' [2.04] ===

=== ''Breaking Bill'' [2.05] ===

=== ''This Is Not Good'' [2.06] ===

=== ''Fight Night'' [2.07] ===

=== ''F Is for Fixing It'' [2.08] ===

=== ''Pray Away'' [2.09] ===

=== ''Landing the Plane'' [2.10] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Are You Ready for the Summer?'' [3.01] ===

=== ''Paul Lynde to Block'' [3.02] ===

=== ''The Stinger'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride'' [3.04] ===

=== ''Battle of the Sexes'' [3.05] ===

=== ''Punch Drunk'' [3.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not ''that'' lucky.
:'''Frank Murphy''': You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

=== ''Summer Vacation'' [3.07] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?
:'''Bill Murphy''': We shove it down…
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's right. And later in life we take it out on someone else.

=== ''It's in His Blood'' [3.08] ===
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! ''I'' break up with ''you!''
:'''Bill Murphy''': You ''did'' break up with me!
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': THE ''FUCK'' I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.
:'''Bill Murphy''': You were being nice?!

=== ''Frank the Father'' [3.09] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Kevin Murphy''': ... Door was supposed to swing out...
:'''Frank Murphy''': Yeah, well, I should have ''pulled'' out! Fucking jailbird!
:'''International Touch''': ''[approaching Kevin]'' Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!
:'''Frank Murphy''': He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
:'''International Touch''': Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

=== ''Bill Murphy's Night Off'' [3.10] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Father Confessor'' [4.01] ===

=== ''Nothing is Impossible'' [4.02] ===

=== ''Bring me a Tooth'' [4.03] ===
:'''Amy Jenkins''': You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': Go suck your mother's dick!
:'''Amy Jenkins''': At least I ''have'' a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': ''[yelling after her]'' Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says &quot;Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!&quot; ''[pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby]'' I won't let her say that about you.

=== ''The B Word'' [4.04] ===

=== ''Just Breathe'' [4.05] ===

=== ''Come to Papa'' [4.06] ===

=== ''R is For Rosie'' [4.07] ===

=== ''Murphy &amp; Son'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Land Ho!'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Baby, Baby, Baby'' [4.10] ===

== Season 5 ==

=== ''The Mahogany Fortress'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Rustvale Massacre'' [5.02] ===

=== ''Blind Alley'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Thank You So Much'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Searchers'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Screw Ups'' [5.06] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...
:''[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': '''''NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!'''''
:''[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?
:'''Bill Murphy''': Okay. Can I still be your cop?
:'''Frank Murphy''': Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.

=== ''A Very Merry F***ing Christmas'' [5.07] ===

=== ''Bye Bye, Frankie'' [5.08] ===
:'''Susan Murphy''': That's enough of your &quot;poor me&quot; bullshit! 
:'''Frank Murphy''': What did I do?! 
:'''Susan''': Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Grandma Nora. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]].
:'''Bill Murphy''': [[w:Johnny Unitas|Johnny Unitas]] that one time.
:'''Frank''': Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was [[w:Earl Morrall|Earl Morrall]]'s fault! ''[getting angrier and louder]'' Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Willie Namath]], THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!
:''[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]''
:'''Frank''': What?! It's true!
:'''Susan''': But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but ''we'' are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.
:'''Frank''': IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!
:''[Megan starts crying]''
:'''Susan''': Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter. 
:'''Frank''': ''[quietly, ashamed]'' Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head. 
:'''Susan''': Nobody here is stopping you.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.
:'''Frank''': How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?
:'''Dick''': Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Netflix Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>4eiscz5vqawhnva17o9eb8nvlp0uczg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153380</id>
      <parentid>3153379</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T22:26:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:D590:76C7:2659:A476</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Bye Bye, Frankie [5.08] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10228" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:F Is for Family|F Is for Family]]''''' is an American adult animated sitcom created by [[w:Bill Burr|Bill Burr]] and [[w:Michael Price (writer)|Michael Price]] and produced by [[w:Gaumont International Television|Gaumont International Television]] and [[w:Vince Vaughn|Vince Vaughn]]'s Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

{{tv-stub}}
== Season 1 ==
=== ''The Bleedin' in Sweden'' [1.01] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE ''MET'' GOD!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank''': Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not doing anything!
:'''Frank''': Neither was I. That's how you got here.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Vic''': Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

=== ''Saturday Bloody Saturday'' [1.02] ===
:'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam. 
:'''Kevin''': What? I'm not?
:'''Frank''': You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bob &quot;Pogo&quot; Pogrohovich''': They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

=== ''The Trough'' [1.03] ===

=== ''&quot;F&quot; is for Halloween'' [1.04] ===
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Cocksucker!
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': What if she never comes home?
:'''Frank''': DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

=== ''Bill Murphy's Day Off'' [1.05] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off. 
:'''Bill''': Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended. 
:'''Kevin''': I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke! They suspend me 'cause I'm a piece of shit, then they give me a paper saying I'm said piece of shit, and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

=== ''O Holy Moly Night'' [1.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

== Season 2 ==

=== ''Heavy Sledding'' [2.01] ===

=== ''A Girl Named Sue'' [2.02] ===

=== ''The Liar's Club'' [2.03] ===

=== ''Night Shift'' [2.04] ===

=== ''Breaking Bill'' [2.05] ===

=== ''This Is Not Good'' [2.06] ===

=== ''Fight Night'' [2.07] ===

=== ''F Is for Fixing It'' [2.08] ===

=== ''Pray Away'' [2.09] ===

=== ''Landing the Plane'' [2.10] ===

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Are You Ready for the Summer?'' [3.01] ===

=== ''Paul Lynde to Block'' [3.02] ===

=== ''The Stinger'' [3.03] ===

=== ''Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride'' [3.04] ===

=== ''Battle of the Sexes'' [3.05] ===

=== ''Punch Drunk'' [3.06] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.
:'''Kevin Murphy''': We're not ''that'' lucky.
:'''Frank Murphy''': You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

=== ''Summer Vacation'' [3.07] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?
:'''Bill Murphy''': We shove it down…
:'''Frank Murphy''': That's right. And later in life we take it out on someone else.

=== ''It's in His Blood'' [3.08] ===
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! ''I'' break up with ''you!''
:'''Bill Murphy''': You ''did'' break up with me!
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': THE ''FUCK'' I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.
:'''Bill Murphy''': You were being nice?!

=== ''Frank the Father'' [3.09] ===
:'''Frank Murphy''': I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Kevin Murphy''': ... Door was supposed to swing out...
:'''Frank Murphy''': Yeah, well, I should have ''pulled'' out! Fucking jailbird!
:'''International Touch''': ''[approaching Kevin]'' Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!
:'''Frank Murphy''': He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
:'''International Touch''': Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

=== ''Bill Murphy's Night Off'' [3.10] ===

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Father Confessor'' [4.01] ===

=== ''Nothing is Impossible'' [4.02] ===

=== ''Bring me a Tooth'' [4.03] ===
:'''Amy Jenkins''': You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': Go suck your mother's dick!
:'''Amy Jenkins''': At least I ''have'' a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
:'''Bridget Fitzsimmons''': ''[yelling after her]'' Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says &quot;Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!&quot; ''[pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby]'' I won't let her say that about you.

=== ''The B Word'' [4.04] ===

=== ''Just Breathe'' [4.05] ===

=== ''Come to Papa'' [4.06] ===

=== ''R is For Rosie'' [4.07] ===

=== ''Murphy &amp; Son'' [4.08] ===

=== ''Land Ho!'' [4.09] ===

=== ''Baby, Baby, Baby'' [4.10] ===

== Season 5 ==

=== ''The Mahogany Fortress'' [5.01] ===

=== ''The Rustvale Massacre'' [5.02] ===

=== ''Blind Alley'' [5.03] ===

=== ''Thank You So Much'' [5.04] ===

=== ''The Searchers'' [5.05] ===

=== ''Screw Ups'' [5.06] ===
:'''Bill Murphy''': That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...
:''[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': '''''NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!'''''
:''[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?
:'''Bill Murphy''': Okay. Can I still be your cop?
:'''Frank Murphy''': Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.

=== ''A Very Merry F***ing Christmas'' [5.07] ===

=== ''Bye Bye, Frankie'' [5.08] ===
:'''Susan Murphy''': That's enough of your &quot;poor me&quot; bullshit! 
:'''Frank Murphy''': What did I do?! 
:'''Susan Murphy''': Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...
:'''Maureen Murphy''': Grandma Nora. 
:'''Kevin Murphy''': [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]].
:'''Bill Murphy''': [[w:Johnny Unitas|Johnny Unitas]] that one time.
:'''Frank Murphy''': Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was [[w:Earl Morrall|Earl Morrall]]'s fault! ''[getting angrier and louder]'' Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Willie Namath]], THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!
:''[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]''
:'''Frank Murphy''': What?! It's true!
:'''Susan Murphy''': But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but ''we'' are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.
:'''Frank Murphy''': IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!
:''[Megan starts crying]''
:'''Susan Murphy''': Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter. 
:'''Frank Murphy''': ''[quietly, ashamed]'' Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head. 
:'''Susan Murphy''': Nobody here is stopping you.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Frank Murphy''': Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.
:'''Frank Murphy''': How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?
:'''Dick Sawitzki''': Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:2020s American sitcoms]]
[[Category:American animated sitcoms]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Television series by Netflix Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>8lg1hciu0p17kabygzl2jug8a2t7nmj</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Liu Qiangdong</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>216968</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153287</id>
      <parentid>3005568</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T18:03:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TheEthanRhodes</username>
        <id>3051697</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Added quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4981" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Liu Qiangdong.jpg|thumb|{{w|Liu Qiangdong}}]]
'''[[w:Liu Qiangdong|Liu Qiangdong]]''' (born c. 1973-1974), also known as '''Richard Liu''', is a Chinese Internet entrepreneur. He is the founder of JD.com or Jingdong Mall, one of the leading e-commerce industry leaders in China.

== Quotes ==

* When faced with the uncertainty of the future, we retain a sense of awe — but we will always think and act as though we are experiencing day one. We will continue to strengthen the supply chain infrastructure construction and contribute our professional insights and innovative solutions to a better and more sustainable future — and time will prove our original aspirations and beliefs.
** {{cite web|url= https://ir.jd.com/system/files-encrypted/nasdaq_kms/assets/2022/05/23/14-48-50/2021%20JD.com%20Environmental%20Social%20and%20Governance%20Report%20-20MB.pdf
|publisher=JD 2021 Environmental, Social, and Governance Report |title=JD 2021 Environmental, Social, and Governance Report |first=JD.com|date=June 20, 2021}}

* It’s critical to know “who we are”. Only by knowing it can our company locate the anchor of value, which will provide our brothers and sisters continued incentives to work hard. Only by realizing “who we are” can JD complete its coming-of-age ceremony and likely achieve the transformation from “big” to “great”.
** {{cite web|url= https://jdcorporateblog.com/who-is-jd-com/
|publisher=JD.com’s Employee Appreciation Day |title=Who is JD.com?|first=Netease|date=May 19, 2020}}

* We should always have 'high aims and dreams.' If we keep this motto in our hearts, we won’t be bothered by trivial matters. A few day ago, I read in the newspaper that a girl still in junior high jumped out of a window and committed suicide because of her boyfriend. If only she could see further and realize there are smarter and cuter boys in the world. Let’s commit that lesson to heart and explore the future of the world. Never forget to look up and see further, so that we can see more and achieve more!
** {{cite web|url= https://pandaily.com/richard-liu-reveals-childhood-dream-taste-meat/
|publisher=Pandaily|title=Richard Liu Speaks of Childhood Dreams, Success|first=Netease|date=October 30, 2017}}

* Sooner or later, our entire industry will be operated by AI (artificial intelligence) and robots, not humans.
** {{cite web|url= https://www.reuters.com/article/us-jd-com-retail/robots-will-replace-humans-in-retail-says-chinas-jd-com-idUSKBN1HO1NJ
|publisher=Reuters|title=Robots will replace humans in retail, says China's JD.com|first=Emma|last=Thomasson|date=April 17, 2018}}

* But every person must have the desire to push oneself to the limit!
** {{cite web|url= https://www.reuters.com/article/us-jd-com-labour/chinas-jd-com-boss-criticizes-slackers-as-company-makes-cuts-idUSKCN1RP06D
|publisher=Reuters|title=China's JD.com boss criticizes 'slackers' as company makes cuts|first=Josh|last=Horwitz|date=April 13, 2019}}

* When SARS occurred 17 years ago, JD was a very small company and we personally experienced then just how devastating an epidemic situation can be to both businesses and the people's lives. That's why today, JD will do everything we can within our power to serve our customers and as well as society.
** {{cite web|url= https://seekingalpha.com/article/4328860-jd-com-inc-jd-ceo-richard-liu-on-q4-2019-results-earnings-call-transcript
|publisher=Seeking Alpha|title=JD.com, Inc. (JD) CEO Richard Liu on Q4 2019 Results - Earnings Call Transcript|date=March 2, 2020}}

* We sincerely hope that the epidemic will be over soon, but regardless of circumstances, we always seek to improve the service experience for our customers and create value for our customers.
** {{cite web|url= https://seekingalpha.com/article/4328860-jd-com-inc-jd-ceo-richard-liu-on-q4-2019-results-earnings-call-transcript
|publisher=Seeking Alpha|title=JD.com, Inc. (JD) CEO Richard Liu on Q4 2019 Results - Earnings Call Transcript|date=March 2, 2020}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

[https://jdcorporateblog.com/who-is-jd-com/ Who is JD.com 5]

[https://pandaily.com/richard-liu-reveals-childhood-dream-taste-meat/ Pandaily 4]

[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-jd-com-retail/robots-will-replace-humans-in-retail-says-chinas-jd-com-idUSKBN1HO1NJ Reuters 2]

[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-jd-com-labour/chinas-jd-com-boss-criticizes-slackers-as-company-makes-cuts-idUSKCN1RP06D Reuters 3]

[https://seekingalpha.com/article/4328860-jd-com-inc-jd-ceo-richard-liu-on-q4-2019-results-earnings-call-transcript Seeking Alpha]

[https://ir.jd.com/system/files-encrypted/nasdaq_kms/assets/2022/05/23/14-48-50/2021%20JD.com%20Environmental%20Social%20and%20Governance%20Report%20-20MB.pdf/ JD 2021 Environmental, Social, and Governance Report 1]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Qiangdong, Liu}}
[[Category:Businesspeople from China]]
[[Category:Company founders]]
[[Category:1970s births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dora and the Lost City of Gold</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>218728</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153195</id>
      <parentid>3153143</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T13:01:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:404:CD01:C94F:84DC:1CFC:9773:EAC1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Alejandro Gutierrez */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15288" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Dora and the Lost City of Gold}}''''' is a 2019 American adventure film based on the television series ''[[Dora the Explorer]]''. The film stars {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora, {{w|Eugenio Derbez}}, {{w|Michael Peña}}, {{w|Eva Longoria}}, with Jeff Wahlberg as Diego, Nicholas Coombe, and {{w|Madeleine Madden}}. It also features the voices of [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots, {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}}, and {{w|Benicio del Toro}}.

{{center|'''Explorer is her middle name.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

:''Directed by James Bobin. Produced by Kristin Burr. Screenplay by Nicholas Stoller and Matthew Robinson.''

==Dora Márquez==
*Hi! I'm Dora! And I'm being chased by a herd of angry pygmy elephants. ''[to camera]'' Can you say &quot;angry pygmy elephants&quot;? ''[ then swung on a vine and luckily ended up out of the way as she came behind the elephants as they charged away from her]'' Better luck next time, angry elephants.
* Golden poison frog. Its skin is lethally toxic and can cause full-body paralysis. ''[to camera]'' Can you say &quot;severe neurotoxicity&quot;? Bye, deadly frog. Have a nice day.
* Come on, Boots. If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible.
* I have to keep going no matter what.
* ''[to Alejandro]'' You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all. But by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why ''we'' are over here, and ''you'' well you're standing right there.
*''[during the animated sequence]'' Everyone is here! ''[the Grumpy Old Troll, Isa the Iguana, Tico the Squirrel, The Fiesta Trio, and Benny the Bull appear]''

==Diego Márquez==
* ''[to Dora]'' You are ''way'' more energetic than I remember.
* ''[Dora: I don't think this is a jungle puzzle. This is a puquio.]'' ''[Sammy: What the flip is a puquio?]'' It's an ancient underground aqueduct. Inca engineers built some of the most elaborate irrigation systems ever devised. Water, from above, using gravity.
* ''[during the animated sequence]'' ['''''Dora:''' I'm sure this will pass, it's fine!''] Fine? Are you kidding me? This is incredible! ''[swings on a vine]''

==Randy Warren==
* I can hold my breath for 7 minutes.
* Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying?
* ''['''Sammy:''' What is happening?!]'' It's the curse! The curse is gonna perish us! We're gonna perish all over the place!
* I'm hit! They hit me! I'm bleeding out! I'm losing life force! ''['''Diego:''' Oh, no, no, no! No, it's a juice box. It's just a juice box.]''
* Excuse me.
* It's a jungle puzzle.
* Look, I was wrong about jungle puzzles. Okay? There's no such thing as a jungle puzzle.
* It's a jungle puzzle. It's a real... freaking... jungle puzzle. That is so awesome! I'm sorry I doubted you, movies.

==Sammy Moore==
* There's something really icy between you two. Was it the Disco Dork-a Dance? ''[Dora: Well, I'm glad you brought it up.]'' I'm just kidding. I don't actually care.
* Who are you? Why are you smart? And what are you doing in my school?
* Not sure if I made myself clear earlier, but if you're going to take a shot at the queen, you better not miss. There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. ''['''Dora:''' A lot of things are more dangerous than a wounded animal. A healthy one for a start.]'' Stop. Just stop. I'm watching you.
* My parents did not sign a permission slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?!
* &quot;Okay&quot;? Okay? No, I'm not okay, okay? I want to go home! I want to be staring at my phone, in an ice-cold room, drinking a frozen coffee beverage! And I know that makes me sound real basic, but that is what I want! Oh, and by the way, the poo song lied. Yeah, it was totally dangerous, arrows rained down on me. I hate it here! Uh! Uh! And I can't even storm off 'cause this jungle will eat me!
* No more songs!
* Look, I'm really sorry, for having yelled at you Dora.
* ''[Randy: It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata.]'' ''[Alejandro: Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! I made them up!]'' No, they're super real, bro.

==Swiper the Fox==
* ''[repeated line]'' Oh, man!
* Everything you are about to see is true. Except that foxes don't swipe. That is a hurtful stereotype. Brought to you by... The Fox Council of Americas. Thank you. Gracias.
* Swiper at the ready! ''['''Powell:''' Whatever happens, get that map.]'' Swiper, yes, swiping.
* ''Hola.''
* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... man! I'm stuck upside-down.
* ''['''Powell:''' Good job, Swiper.]'' I know, man. ''['''Powell:''' Get her!]''
* Open this door, man! I'm not joking, man!
* ''[singing]'' Guarding the gate, I'm guarding the gate, Swiper is guarding the gate.
* Say goodbye to your little friend!
* Adios, losers!
* And you'll never find it now!
* Get off me, monkey!
* Oh, man, the indignity.

==Alejandro Gutierrez==
* ''[first lines]'' Dora, it is you! ''['''Dora:''' Who are you?]'' I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live!
* All those that seek Parapata... shall surely perish.
* I ate chile con carne!
* I don’t need these clothes anymore! ''[strips from his clothes and runs off in the forest, completely naked]''
* Stop pulling levers, Randy! ''['''Randy:''' I'm trying to find the off switch!]''
* Can you all shut up back there?! I've had to listen to your mindless positivity for three days! Your relentless good nature spirit is a holy nightmare! So just shut up. Shut up! ''['''Elena:''' We're so sorry about that...]'' SHUT UP! No more talking! And definitely no more singing.
* ''['''Randy:''' It's the Lost of Guardians of Parapata.]'' Ridiculous! There are no lost guardians! I made them up! ''['''Sammy:''' No, they're super real, bro.]''
* ''[last lines, singing during the ending song '''Hooray! We did it!''']'' Can someone get me out of here?

== Others ==
*'''English teacher''': Where did you transfer from, Dora?
*'''Mean Kid''': Oh, hey, look. The Dork-as multiplied.
*'''Boots the Monkey''': You're not a kid… but you're not a grown-up either, Dora. You're a teenager. It's a super confusing time. But the fact is you're right - you can't do it by yourself. Good news is you have friends now. And together, anything is possible.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Dora, Diego, Elena, &amp; Cole eat dinner at the table]''
:'''Young Dora and Diego''': Mmm. ''¡Delicioso!''
:'''Young Dora''': ''[to the camera]'' Can you say &quot;delicioso&quot;? ''[Cole and Elena both turn to see who she's talking to]'' Say &quot;delicioso&quot;!
:'''Cole''': She'll grow out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After being kidnapped and taken from Los Angeles to Peru, Dora, her cousin Diego and their friends Sammy and Randy wake up in a crate...]''
:'''Randy''': ''[wakes up and wakes up his friends]'' What's happening? Where are we?
:''[Diego and Sammy wake up, realize their heads are touching and they jump back]''
:''[Dora wakes up, peers at the side of the crate and sees they're being unloaded from a plane]''
:'''Dora''': I think... we're being unloaded from a plane.
:'''Sammy''': We're not on a plane. We can't-- ''[peers at the other side of the crate and realizes they're ''on'' a plane]'' Oh, my God, we're on a plane! ''[searches her pockets]'' We've left the country without ID. We need to alert the U.S. consulate.
:''[the crate jolts and a forklift carries the crate to the back of the truck. It's morning at a dusty airport. All the mercenaries are gathered.]''
:'''Diego''': Dora, what happened?
:'''Dora''': ''[in Spanish]'' Vinieron por mi! Estan tras mis padres! De Parapata! ''[transmitting: &quot;They came for me! They're after my parents, after Parapata!&quot;]''
:'''Diego''': ''[in Spanish]'' En serio? ''[transmitting: &quot;Are you serious?&quot;]''
:'''Sammy''': They're treasure hunters?
:'''Randy''': ''[confused]'' Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying?
:''[the forklift drops the crate on the truck]''
:'''Diego''': We gotta get out of here.
:''[Dora opens her backpack and brings out a large knife]''
:'''Sammy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, look, Dora brought a knife on the field trip, everybody.
:'''Dora''': ''[prys open the lid with the knife and peers out]'' I see 3 mercenaries. Armed. ''[sees someone]'' Wait, there's a fourth. ''[drops back in]'' I think he saw me. ''[puts away the knife]'' He's coming for us.
:''[the kids brace themselves]''
:'''Randy''': ''[closes his eyes]'' Okay, I am not here. I'm an avatar. ''[whimpers and screams]''
:''[A bearded man opens the crate with a crowbar and looks in]''
:'''Alejandro''': Dora, it is you!
:'''Dora''': (How do you know who I am?) Who are you?
:'''Alejandro''': I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! ''[the truck revs and drives foward, causing Alejandro to fall off the truck]''
:'''Sammy''': Where did he go?
:'''Randy''': Did-did he die?
:'''Alejandro''': ''[reopens the crate]'' I'm okay, I'm okay! I need your help, but we have to run, now!
:''[while a female mercenary is driving the truck, she looks in the mirror and spots the kids running off with Alejandro]''
:'''Christina X''': Boss!
:'''Powell''': ''[he and Viper turn around and see them running off]'' Get them!
:''[Christina X pulls the brake, stopping the truck]''
:''[Dora, Diego, Randy, Sammy and Alejandro are running to a hanger]''
:'''Sammy''': My parents did not sign a permisson slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?!
:'''Dora''': How do we get out of here?!
:'''Alejandro''': I don't know! Getting you out of the box was as far as my plan went.
:''[Powell whistles for Swiper the Fox and he quickly shows up]''
:'''Swiper''': Swiper at the ready!
:'''Powell''': Whatever happens, get that map.
:'''Swiper''': ''[salutes]'' Swiper, yes, swipe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alejandro''': Are you kids okay?
:'''Randy''': ''[throws up]'' Not really.
:'''Sammmy''': &quot;Not really&quot;? Understatement of the century. I was just kidnapped and chased by bad guys, and a fox with a mask. Everyone saw that, right? Like, why does that fox need to remain anonymous? Who is gonna recognize one specific fox?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randy''': We're on a field trip.
:'''Cole''': And where are the mercenaries?
:'''Dora''': Alejandro saved us from them, and he's with us.
:'''Elena''': Who?
:'''Dora''': Your old friend, Alejandro, from the university. You sent him your journal.
:'''Cole''': My journal was stolen days before the expedition.
:'''Alejandro''': Bravo Team, this is alpha leader. (I told you earlier I was really a bad guy.)
:'''Dora''': ''[to her parents]'' You don't know him… do you? ''[Alejandro chuckles]'' Oh, miercoles.
:'''Alejandro''': We found them.
:'''Elena''': Honey, come here. Get back, kids.
:'''Alejandro''': You have my location.
:'''Dora''': You lied to me. (Why would you do this?)
:'''Alejandro''': No, no, no, no, no. No, I outwitted you...
:'''Cole''': That's the same thing.
:'''Alejandro''': ...As I have outwitted every adversary that came before you. Who would have believed that my greatest achievement, the final act in the prosperous treasure hunting career, would find me squaring off against a socially inept jungle nerd...
:'''Cole''': Hey, hey, hey!
:'''Alejandro''': ...And 3 high school losers?
:'''Cole''': I don't know them, so whatever.
:'''Alejandro''': Now if you please, you will lead me to Parapata.
:'''Cole''': But you can't get inside. It's impenetrable.
:'''Alejandro''': ''[laughs]'' Impenetrable.
:'''Cole''': That means you can't get inside.
:'''Alejandro''': I know!
:'''Cole''': Okay.
:'''Alejandro''': Shut up! You wouldn't want anything happen to her, no, would you?
:'''Cole''': Of course not.
:'''Alejandro''': Good. Good, good. So, if everyone just plays nice, I'll get my gold, and you'll be on your way safe and sound. You're a smart family, right? So, make the smart choice, hmm? We're moving out! Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sammy''': What did the Incas fear the most?
:'''Alejandro''': That's easy. The same as me. Gold.
:'''Randy''': Oh, crud.
:'''Alejandro''': Thanks for getting me through the tough stuff for me. Once again, I had to follow Miss Know-It-All, and she led me straight to the gold. ''[laughs]'' Gold, gold. Lots and lots of gold! The answer to the puzzle is obvious. The Incas built monuments and their gods with it. Gold is as close to touching the sun as the Incas could get. ''[places a gold coin on a statue and it moves]'' It's happening. It's happening! IT'S HAPPENING! I beat you, I won. I beat you, I won, I beat you, I won! The treasure is going to be mine!
:'''Dora''': You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all, but by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why are over here, and you... well, you're standing right there.
:''[A noise is heard and Alejandro steps back. It appears he has set a trap and falls in screaming.]''
:'''Alejandro''': I'm still alive! Powell, Viper, help me! Get in here now! My mercenaries are on their way! This isn't over yet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Randy''': It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata.
:'''Alejandro''': Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! (Are there?) I made them up!
:'''Sammy''': No, they're super real, bro.

== Cast ==
* {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora Márquez
:: Cole and Elena's daughter / Sabrina and Nico's niece / Diego's cousin / Randy's love interest / Sammy's friend

* {{w|Jeff Wahlberg}} as Diego Márquez
:: Dora's cousin / Cole and Elena's nephew / Sabrina and Nico's son / Sammy's love interest / Randy's friend

* {{w|Madeleine Madden}} as Sammy Moore
:: Diego's love interest / Dora and Randy's friend

* Nicholas Coombe as Randy Warren

* {{w|Eugenio Derbez}} as Alejandro Gutierrez

=== Live-action ===
* Madelyn Miranda as 6-year-old Dora

* Malachi Barton as 7-year-old Diego

* {{w|Eva Longoria}} as Elena Márquez
:: Cole's wife / Dora's mom / Diego's uncle

* {{w|Michael Peña}} as Cole Márquez
:: Elena's husband / Dora's dad / Diego's aunt

* Joey Vieira as Nico Márquez
:: Sabrina's husband / Diego's dad / Dora's uncle

* {{w|Pia Miller}} as Sabrina Márquez
:: Nico's wife / Diego's mom / Dora's aunt

* {{w|Temuera Morrison}} as Powell

* {{w|Adriana Barraza}} as Abuelita Valerie

* {{w|Q'orianka Kilcher}} as Princess Kawillaka

* {{w|Isela Vega}} as Old Woman

=== Voices ===
* [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots the Monkey
* {{w|Benicio del Toro}} as Swiper the Fox
* {{w|Marc Weiner}} as Map
* {{w|Sasha Toro}} as Backpack
* {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}} as Animal Vocal Effects

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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    <title>Carl Hiaasen</title>
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      <text bytes="26810" xml:space="preserve">[[Image:Carl Hiaasen at 2016 National Book Festival (cropped).png|thumb|250px|right|All my humor comes from anger. Satire is terrific therapy. Making people laugh is a joy, but making them think about something serious is the ultimate reward.]]

'''[[w:Carl Hiaasen|Carl Andrew Hiaasen]]''' (born [[March 12]], [[1953]]) is an American author and columnist, who wrote (until March 2021) a long-running opinion column for ''[[w:The Miami Herald|The Miami Herald]]'', for which he has also worked as an investigative reporter.  He has also published (as of 2020) twenty-two novels (including five for children and young adults), and several humorous non-fiction books. 

== Columns and articles ==
*Scientists are advancing a theory that human beings have stopped evolving because we've interfered with natural selection. Thousands of years ago, the fittest of the species endured, while the weakest stumbled into tar pits or got eaten by saber-toothed tigers. That doesn't happen much anymore, and consequently—these experts assert—humans are actually devolving, getting dumber and less fit. The hypothesis is bolstered by the popularity of daytime talk shows and psychic hotlines. More empirical evidence is supplied every Fourth of July, when alcohol and explosives are freely distributed among the populace.
**&quot;Modern world puts evolution into reverse&quot;, July 6, 1995 (reprinted in ''Kick-Ass: Selected Columns'')
*A Ph.D. in microbiology is not necessary to grasp the concept: Clean water is good. Poopy water is bad. 
**&quot;Modern world puts evolution into reverse&quot;, July 6, 1995 (reprinted in ''Kick-Ass: Selected Columns'')
*Local newscasts aired the pollution warnings for days, and displayed detailed maps showing which areas were unsafe for swimming. By dawn's early light on July 4, it was reasonable to assume that almost everybody was aware of the problem, and had relocated their picnic plans to a safe beach. Out of fairness, though, let's say a few sheltered souls remained clueless. Perhaps they didn't have a TV or radio. Fair enough. You pile the family into the car and head across the Rickenbacker Causeway. You park along Hobie Beach, unload the coolers, smear on the sunscreen, dash for the water … and there it is. A sign. DANGER, it says, in English and Spanish. Don't swim here. The water's contaminated! Now comes the moment of truth. You can almost hear [[Charles Darwin|Darwin]]'s ghost. Surely these morons aren't going swimming in THAT crap! Not with their kids! Not with a warning sign right in front of their face! Wrong, Charlie baby. 
**&quot;Modern world puts evolution into reverse&quot;, July 6, 1995 (reprinted in ''Kick-Ass: Selected Columns'')
*Eons ago, when man lived in caves, dumb moves were often fatal moves. The quick and the smart survived, the slow and the dimwitted didn't. If one member of the tribe ate a berry and died, the others henceforth avoided those darn berries. Over time, humans advanced and grew sturdier. Not anymore. Now we've got seat belts, air bags, antibiotics and stomach pumps to save fools from their own mistakes. That's all right. Caring for others is one of the nobler traits of our species. The result, ironically, is that the genetic future of mankind isn't so rosy. Stragglers once culled from the herd now (in the absence of saber-toothed tigers) operate motor vehicles, watch Jerry Springer, cavort in pollution and even breed. Darwin would be truly worried. The evolutionary gap between the bacteria and us is closing. 
**&quot;Modern world puts evolution into reverse&quot;, July 6, 1995 (reprinted in ''Kick-Ass: Selected Columns'')
*Most opinion columnists start out as street reporters, an experience vital to understanding how things really work as opposed to how they should. My own approach to the column — drawn from the incomparable {{w|Pete Hamill}}, {{w|Mike Royko}} and others — was simple: If what I wrote wasn’t pissing off somebody, I probably wasn’t doing my job. Take a sharp-edged stand on any issue, and the other side seethes. Show me a columnist who doesn’t get hate mail, and I’ll show you someone who’s writing about the pesky worms on his tomato plants.
**&quot;With or without me, Florida will always be wonderfully, unrelentingly weird&quot;, March 15, 2021 (Hiaasen's farewell column for the ''Miami Herald'')

== Novels ==
=== [[w:Tourist Season (novel)|Tourist Season]] (1986) ===
*B.D. Harper had not risen to the pinnacle of his profession by making enemies. His mission, in fact, had been quite the opposite: to make as many friends as possible and offend no one. Harper had been good at this. He positively excreted congeniality. ''(Chapter 3)''
*It was then that he had gotten the idea to invite journalists, but not just any journalists: [[w:travel writer|travel writers]]. Sparky Harper and the Greater Miami Chamber of Commerce adored travel writers because travel writers never wrote stories about street crime, water pollution, fish kills, beach erosion, refugees, AIDS epidemics, nuclear accidents, cocaine smugglers, gun-runners, or race riots. Once in a while, a daring travel writer would mention one of these subjects in passing, but strictly in the context of a minor setback from which South Florida was pluckily rebounding. ''(Chapter 26)''

=== [[w:Double Whammy (novel)|Double Whammy]] (1987) ===
*[[w:Largemouth bass|Bass]] magazines promote the species as the working man's fish, available to anyone within strolling distance of a lake, river, culvert, reservoir, rockpit, or drainage ditch. The bass is not picky; it is hardy, prolific, and on a given day will eat just about any God-awful lure dragged in front of its maw. As a fighter it is bullish, but tires easily; as a jumper its skills are admirable, though no match for a graceful [[w:rainbow trout|rainbow trout]] or [[w:tarpon|tarpon]]; as table fare it is blandly acceptable, even tasty when properly seasoned. Its astonishing popularity comes from a modest combination of these traits, plus the simple fact that there are so many largemouth bass swimming around that just about any damn fool can catch one. ''(Chapter 2)''
*He won the governorship running as a Democrat, but proved to be unlike any Democrat or Republican that the state of Florida had ever seen. To the utter confusion of everyone in Tallahassee, Clinton Tyree turned out to be a completely honest man. ''(Chapter 10)''

=== [[w:Skin Tight (novel)|Skin Tight]] (1989) ===
*&quot;You can't talk to me like that! You just remember who's the star.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;And you just remember who writes all your lines, and who does all your dull, dull research. Remember who tells you what questions to ask, and who edits these pieces so you don't come off looking like a pompous airhead.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Except that's exactly how Reynaldo came off, most of the time. There was no way around it, no post-production wizardry that could disguise the man's true personality on tape. ''(Chapter 5)''
*In the past he had always counted on Christina to worry about the actual nuts-and-bolts journalism of the program. It was Christina who did the reporting, blocked out the interviews, arranged for the climactic confrontations--she even wrote the scripts. [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Reynaldo Flemm]] was hopelessly bored by detail, research, and the rigors of fact-checking. He was an action guy, and he saved his energy for when the tape was rolling. ''(Chapter 25)''
*[Rudy] didn't give two hoots about certification by the American Board of Plastic Surgery, or the American Board of Facial and Reconstructive Surgery, or the American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons. What were a couple more snotty plaques on the wall? His patients could care less. They were rich and vain and impatient. In some exclusive South Florida circles, Rudy's name carried the glossy imprimatur of a Gucci or a de la Renta. The lacquered old crones at La Gorce or the Biltmore would point at each other's shiny chins and taut necks and sculpted eyelids and ask, not in a whisper, but in a haughty bray, &quot;is that a Graveline?&quot; Rudy was a designer surgeon. To have ''him'' suck your fat was an honor, a social plum, a mark (literally) of status. Only a boor, white trash or worse, would ever question the man's techniques or complain about the results. ''(Chapter 30)''

=== [[w:Native Tongue (novel)|Native Tongue]] (1991) ===
*Like everything else at the Amazing Kingdom, the Vole Project had begun as a scheme to compete with [[w:Walt Disney World|Walt Disney World]]. Years earlier, Disney had tried to save the [[w:dusky seaside sparrow|dusky seaside sparrow]], a small marsh bird whose habitat was being wiped out by over-development along Florida's coastline. With much fanfare, Disney had unveiled a captive breeding program for the last two surviving specimens of the dusky. Unfortunately, the last two surviving specimens were both males, and even the wizards of Disney could not induce the scientific miracle of homosexual procreation. Eventually the sparrow fell to extinction, but the Disney organization won gobs of fawning publicity for its conservation efforts. ''(Chapter 2)''
*Like many wildly successful Floridians, Francis X. Kingsbury was a transplant. He had moved to the Sunshine State in balding middle age, alone and uprooted, never expecting that he would become a multimillionaire. And like so many new Floridians, Kingsbury was a felon on the run. Before moving to Miami, he was known by his real name of Frankie King. Not Frank, but Frankie. His mother had named him after the singer [[w:Frankie Lane|Frankie Lane]]. All his life, Frankie King had yearned to change his name to something more distinguished, something with weight and social bearing. A racketeering indictment--seventeen counts--out of Brooklyn was as good an excuse as any. ''(Chapter 5)''
*Reluctantly Jake Harp had agreed to play nine holes. He didn't like golf with rich duffers, but it was part of the deal. Playing with Francis X. Kingsbury, though, was a special form of torture. All he talked about was Disney this and Disney that. If the stock had dropped a point or two, Kingsbury was euphoric. If the stock was up, he was bellicose and depressed. He referred to the Disney mascot as Mickey Ratface, or sometimes simply The Rat. ''(Chapter 13)''

=== [[w:Strip Tease (novel)|Strip Tease]] (1993) ===
*Malcolm J. Moldowsky did not hesitate to address United States Congressman Dave Dilbeck as &quot;a card-carrying shithead.&quot; ''(Chapter 2)''
*&quot;But she's just a stripper.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Moldowsky grabbed Dilbeck's shirt. &quot;[[w:Fanne Fox|Fanne Fox]],&quot; he said, &quot;was 'just a stripper.' [[w:Donna Rice|Donna Rice]] was just a model-slash-actress. [[w:Elizabeth Ray|Elizabeth Ray]] was just a secretary who couldn't type. [[w:Gennifer Flowers|Gennifer Flowers]] was just a country singer. Don't you get it? Ask [[w:Charles Robb|Chuck Robb]]. Or that horny idiot [[w:Gary Hart|Hart]]. [[w:Ted Kennedy|Teddy Kennedy]] for pity's sake. They'll all tell you the same: in [[politics]], stealing is trouble, but pussy is lethal.&quot; ''(Chapter 23)''
*[[George Santayana|&quot;Those who ignore history,&quot; Moldowsky said, &quot;are doomed to get their nuts cut.&quot;]] ''(Chapter 23)''

=== [[w:Lucky You (novel)|Lucky You]] (1997) ===
*Bodean James Gazzer had spent thirty-one years perfecting the art of assigning blame. His personal credo - ''everything bad that happens is someone else's fault'' - could, with imagination, be stretched to fit any circumstance. Bode stretched it. The intestinal unrest that occasionally afflicted him surely was the result of drinking milk taken from secretly radiated cows. The roaches in his apartment were planted by his filthy immigrant next-door neighbors. His dire financial plight was caused by runaway bank computers and conniving Wall Street Zionists; his bad luck in the South Florida job market, prejudice against English-speaking applicants. Even the lousy weather had a culprit: air pollution from Canada, diluting the ozone and derailing the jet stream. ''(Chapter 2)''
*&quot;In my business, [[fear]] is a sane and very healthy emotion. That's because [[death]] and [[disaster]] aren't abstractions. They're as goddamn real as real can be.&quot; ''(Chapter 5)''
*Chub's real name was Onus Dean Gillespie. The youngest of seven children, he was born to Moira Gillespie when she was forty-seven, her maternal stirrings long dormant. Onus's father, Greve, was a blunt-spoken man who regularly reminded the boy that the arc of his life had begun with a faulty diaphragm, and that his appearance in Mrs. Gillespie's womb had been as welcome as &quot;a cockroach on a wedding cake.&quot; Still, Onus was neither beaten nor deprived as a child. Greve Gillespie made good money as a timber man in northern Georgia and was generous with his family. They lived in a large house with a basketball hoop in the driveway, a second-hand ski boat in the garage, and a deluxe set of World Book encyclopedias in the basement. All of Onus's siblings made it to Georgia State University, and Onus himself could have gone there too, had he not by age fifteen chosen a life of sloth, inebriation and illiteracy. ''(Chapter 7)''

=== [[w:Sick Puppy|Sick Puppy]] (2000) ===
*To meet someone with genuine political ideals was a rarity in Stoat's line of work. As a lobbyist, he had long ago concluded that there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same; it was always about favors and friends and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took. So at election time, Stoat advised his clients to hedge generously by donating large sums to all sides. The strategy was as immensely pragmatic as it was cynical. Stoat himself was registered independent, but he hadn't stepped inside a voting booth in fourteen years. He couldn't take the concept seriously; he knew too much. ''(Chapter 5)''

=== [[w:Hoot (novel)|Hoot]] (2002) ===
*Honey, sometimes you’re going to be faced with situations where the line isn’t clear between what’s right and what’s wrong. Your heart will tell you to do one thing, and your brain will tell you to do something different. In the end, all that’s left is to look at both sides and go with your best judgment. ''(Chapter 13)''

=== [[w:Skinny Dip (novel)|Skinny Dip]] (2004) ===
*At the stroke of eleven on a cool April night, a woman named Joey Perrone went overboard from a luxury deck of the cruise liner M.V. ''Sun Duchess''. Plunging toward the dark Atlantic, Joey was too dumbfounded to panic. I married an asshole, she thought, knifing headfirst into the waves. ''(Chapter 1)'' 
*Admiring the silken calfskin sheaths, Chaz felt a knot of remorse in his gut. It passed momentarily, like acid reflux. ''(Chapter 1)''
*At heart Chaz Perrone was irrefutably a cheat and a maggot, but he had always shunned violence as dutifully as a Quaker elder. Nobody who knew him, including his few friends, would have imagined him capable of homicide. Chaz himself was somewhat amazed that he'd gone through with it. ''(Chapter 2)''
*The dog proved to be as dumb and stubborn as a mud fence, so Stranahan had named him [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom]]. ''(Chapter 2)''
*Charles Regis Perrone was a biologist by default. Medical school had been his first goal--specifically, a leisurely career in radiology. The promise of wealth had attracted him to health care, but as a devoted hypochondriac he was repelled by the notion of interacting with actual sick people. Perusing x-rays in the relatively hygienic seclusion of a laboratory had seemed an appealing option, one that would leave plenty of time for recreation.&quot; ''(Chapter 5)''
*It was a buoyant and eager postgraduate who arrived at the Rosenstiel campus on Virginia Key, for he had grandly envisioned himself sailing the lazy tropics on a schooner, tracking pods of playful bottle-nosed dolphins. In this fantasy Chaz held binoculars in one hand and a frosty margarita in the other. ''(Chapter 5)''
*Chaz shut the door and leaned wearily against it. Of the millions of people who weren't sure which direction the Gulf Stream ran, he was probably the only one to hold an advanced degree in a marine science. ''(Chapter 6)''

=== [[w:Flush (novel)|Flush]] (2005) ===
*&quot;Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact... That's why the world is so messed-up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much heartache and tragedy. Politicians, dictators, kings, phony-baloney preachers--most of 'em are men, and most of 'em lie like rugs. Don't you dare grow up to be like that.&quot;''(Chapter 3)''

=== [[w:Star Island (novel)|Star Island]] (2010) ===
*It would have been understandable for a mother at that moment to stare at her spoiled, hapless offspring and doubt herself, or at least feel hobbled with remorse. Yet long ago Janet Bunterman had willingly accepted the role of her daughter's primary enabler, exploiter, and apologist, reasoning that such duties were better handled within the family. The fact that the whole pathetic clan was financially dependent on Cherry was the galvanizing force behind her mother's devotion, though Janet Bunterman preferred a more noble rationalization. Even though Cherry didn't write her own lyrics, and the vocals were shamelessly overdubbed, her music still brought happiness to millions of loyal young fans. It was them for whom Janet Bunterman imagined herself sacrificing so tirelessly. ''(Chapter 16)''

=== [[w:Chomp (novel)|Chomp]] (2012) ===
*Raven sighed to herself. She was accustomed to working around Derek's enormous ego, but there were times when she felt like reminding him that he was basically a tap dancer, not a grizzled woodsman. ''(Chapter 3)''
*&quot;Lady, do I look like a bleeping babysitter?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;He nearly died.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Yeah, because he's a fool. There's no known cure for that.&quot; (Chapter 6)

=== [[w:Razor Girl (novel)|Razor Girl]] (2016) ===
*The pilot episode of ''Bayou Brethren'' was a major disappointment, the visual appeal of high-def hog shit having been seriously overestimated by a network vice president who was summarily promoted to a more harmless position. The new network vice president in charge of the project felt the brothers needed a more esoteric vocation, to distract from their unappealing personalities, a view shared by potential advertisers who'd screened the off-putting pilot. ''(Chapter 1)''
*The show's producers had strategically cultivated a fandom with two distinct segments: those who were cynically amused by the boorish culture of the Nance clan, and those who identified with it. Each week, the writers strived to portray the brothers on a social bandwidth halfway between harmless rednecks and odious white trash. It was a precarious tightwire. ''(Chapter 14)''
*For all its daring, the plan was also laughably, fatally absurd. Later his mother would tell reporters that it proved she was right about living downwind from the paper mills. All those toxic vapors obviously stewed poor Benny's brain cells. A goddamn squirrel had more sense. ''(Chapter 19)''
*Buck stared at this degenerate ambassador for his own popularity, wondering how many other ''Brethren'' fans were homicidal, nut-job stalkers. ''Maybe it's time to quit the show and go fishin&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;'', he thought for the first time since Blister had removed his handcuffs. ''Dump the family. Move into the condo with Miracle.'' He wasn't sure how much money he had in the bank--five, six million bucks? Krystal would grab half, but so be it. An unhurried, unexamined existence looked pretty sweet to Buck--a life free from soggy collard greens, rooster shit, and all those f**king TV cameras in his face. ''(Chapter 19)''

=== [[w:Squeeze Me (novel)|Squeeze Me]] (2020) ===
*She fell asleep anticipating another enigmatic dream. Tonight's feature starred the [[Donald J. Trump|Commander-in-Chief]] himself. Angie had been summoned to [[w:Mar-a-Lago|Casa Bellicosa]] to unfasten a screech owl from the Presidential pompadour, which the low-swooping raptor had mistaken for a roadkill fox. When Angie arrived, the Commander-in-Chief was lurching madly around the helipad, bellowing and clawing at the Velcro skullcap into which the confused bird had embedded its talons. The owl was still clutching a plug of melon-colored fibers when Angie freed it. Swiftly she was led to a windowless room and made to sign a document stating she'd never set foot on the property or glimpsed the President without his hair. A man wearing a Confederate colonel's uniform and a [[w:MAGA|red baseball cap]] stepped forward and hung a milk chocolate medal around Angie's neck, after which she was escorted at sword point out the gates. She awoke with renewed certainty that [[Carl Jung]] was full of shit. ''(Chapter 2)''
*At first [[Melania Trump|she]] had disliked the code name chosen for her by the [[w:United States Secret Service|Secret Service]]. Then she'd watched a YouTube video about actual [[w:Mockingbird|mockingbird]]s, which were crafty, graceful, and melodious. ''Like me'', she thought. ''Once upon a time.'' [[Donald J. Trump|The President]]'s Secret Service code name was &quot;[[w:Mastodon|Mastodon]].&quot;  He loved it. &quot;Perfect!&quot; he'd boomed when he was told. &quot;Fearless, smart, and tough!&quot; ''And enormous'', she'd said to herself. ''Don't forget f**king enormous.'' On only his second day in the White House, the President had ordered his [[Reince Priebus|Chief of Staff]] to arrange a trip to the [[w:National Zoological Park (United States)|National Zoo]] for a close-up look at a real mastodon. The Chief of Staff wasn't brave enough to tell the President the truth, so he cooked up a story that the Zoo's beloved mastodon herd was on loan to a wildlife park in Christchurch, New Zealand.  The President had scowled, muttered something about &quot;those snotty Kiwis&quot; and soon gotten sidetracked by another daft notion. ''(Chapter 5)''
*&quot;You think he could be right about this Diego kid being involved in the old woman's death?&quot;&lt;br&gt;Ryskamp looked up with a rueful smile. &quot;Don't you get it? It doesn't f**king matter whether he's right or not. That's the scary part.&quot; ''(Chapter 10)''
*[[Melania Trump|Mockingbird]] sometimes found it hard to believe this was [[Donald J. Trump|the same man]] she'd married. He looked like a different person now, as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue. His ego seemed to have swollen proportionately. It wasn't that long ago when she'd fallen hard for him. Now he was a raging, gaseous oaf. Gone was any trace of the sly charm and tenderness. In their early years, he could actually laugh at himself, but Mockingbird couldn't recall the last time she'd seen an honest smile on his face. ''(Chapter 17)''
*Ryskamp stared up at the constellations and took a long, quiet breath. &quot;Okay. What about the First Lady? She weighs a hundred and twenty-one pounds.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;The [[w:Burmese python|python]] would have to be exceptionally large and hungry,&quot; Angie explained, &quot;and the First Lady would have to be exceptionally unlucky. These things aren't like [[w:Rottweiler|Rottweiler]]s. You can't train 'em to seek and attack.&quot; She smiled grimly. &quot;Can you guys believe this f**ked-up conversation?&quot; ''(Chapter 18)''
*Angie tried not to think much about [[politics]]. It didn't seem to matter who was in power. Nothing got better in the besieged, breathtaking world she cared about most. The [[w:Everglades|Everglades]] would never be the lush, unbroken river it once was; the shallows of Florida Bay would never be as pure and sparkling with fish; the bleached, dying reefs of the [[w:Florida Keys|Keys]] would never bloom back to life. Being overrun and exploited was the historical fate of places so rare and beautiful. Every year, Angie diligently wrote checks to the [[w:Nature Conservancy|Nature Conservancy]] and [[w:World Wildlife Fund|World Wildlife Fund]], but she was too much of a loner to jump into the fray. No meetings, no rallies, no Facebook petitions. Never once had she fired off an angry letter to a congressman or a county commissioner. Sometimes she wondered if she was too cynical or just too lazy. The [[Donald J. Trump|sitting President of the United States]] was a soulless imbecile who hated the outdoors, but in Angie's view, at this point [[Theodore Roosevelt|Teddy Roosevelt]] himself couldn't turn the tide if he came back from the dead.  All the treasured wilderness that had been sacrificed at the altar of growth was gone for all time. More disappeared every day. Nothing ever changed, except the speed of destruction, and only because there were fewer pristine pieces to sell off, carve up, and pave. ''(Chapter 24)''
*&quot;Okay, Angie, just to be clear,&quot; Ryscamp said, clearing his throat, &quot;you're telling me the crazy old f**k fed [[w:LSD|LSD]] to a twenty-four-foot killer python?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Look, I know [[w:United States Secret Service|you guys]] don't train for situations like this...&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;There's never ''been'' a situation like this!&quot; ''(Chapter 27)''
*&quot;I know you're not a stupid person, so why would you ask such a stunningly stupid question?&quot; ''(Chapter 28)''
*&quot;'The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.' That's from [[Ralph Waldo Emerson|Emerson]], by the way. All I was hoping to do is stretch some goddamn minds.&quot; ''(Epilogue)''

== Interviews ==
*I try not to stand on a soapbox and scream. That's boring. You've got to be funny sometimes. All my humor comes from anger. Satire is terrific therapy. Making people laugh is a joy, but making them think about something serious is the ultimate reward.
**&quot;Ready to Give a Hoot&quot;, by Margaret Wappler; ''[[w:Los Angeles Times|Los Angeles Times]]'', April 30, 2006
*I'm sort of fascinated by America's fascination with rednecks, the whole ''[[w:Duck Dynasty|Duck Dynasty]]'' thing. Being a white guy from the South, I find it amazing that so many TV viewers are enchanted by beards, bad dentistry and moonshine accents. Also there’s this false notion that this is a regional phenomenon, when in fact every state in the union has hardcore rednecks. No exceptions.
**&quot;True-life Source Material Is Fabulously Bizarre&quot;, by Adrian Liang; ''Omnivoracious: The Amazon Book Review''. September 8, 2016.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.carlhiaasen.com/ Author's Website]

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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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'''''{{w|Steven Universe: The Movie}}'''''  is a 2019 animated musical produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]. The events of the film follow [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of [[Steven Universe]].

== Dialogue ==
:'''White Diamond''': ''[narrating]'' Once upon a time, the Gem Homeworld was ruled by Diamonds -- White, Yellow, Blue, and the littlest Diamond, Pink. While the other Diamonds conquered many worlds across the galaxy, Pink had only one -- the planet Earth. One day, Pink fled the comforts of Homeworld. On Earth, she made a new home, new friends, and finally, new life, giving up her form to bequeath her gem to her half-human son. Without Pink, Gemkind entered an era of despair. But, when Steven Universe learned of his heritage, he reunited with his fellow Diamonds and championed a new era of peace and freedom across the furthest reaches of space. ''[shuts book]'' And now, dear Gems everywhere, I'm pleased to announce that Steven is finally ready to take his rightful place on Pink Diamond's throne!
:''[Pan down to Steven, now 16 years old, with the spotlight shining on him]''
:'''Steven''': How's it going, everybody? I know you all might be thinking of me as the new Pink Diamond, but you don't have to put me on a throne. I already have a rightful place, and it's on Earth. 
:'''Blue Diamond''': Huh?
:'''White Diamond''': What?
:'''Steven''': It's a beach house, where I live with my friends, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. As much as I've loved dismantling the empire and saving all your planets, I can't wait to get home and spend some quality time with my friends.
:'''White Diamond''': Cut the feed.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Your time is up anyway.
:'''Steven''': I think that went well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': I'm so excited to meet you!
:'''Steven''': You're not mad?
:'''Spinel''': Mad? Why would I be mad at my best friend?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': She rode in on that?!
:'''Steven''': Yeah. She said my &quot;human half&quot; wouldn't stand a chance against her Injector.
:'''Lapis''': What does that mean?
:'''Peridot''': Why don't we just ask her?
:'''Steven''': Well, here's the thing- ''[Spinel creeps up from behind him and pokes at his shoulders]'' Hmm? What? Where'd she- ''[Spinel pops up from behind him and he gets startled]'' Aah!
:'''Spinel''': SURPRISE!
:'''Steven''': Here she is... My new best friend, Spinel.
:'''Spinel''': ''[bows]'' A pleasure to meet you all.
:'''Bismuth''': I thought you said she was ''just'' trying to kill you.
:'''Lapis''': Wow. Quick turnaround.
:'''Peridot''': No kidding. It took me months to stop trying to kill Steven.
:'''Bismuth''': I say it took me a day- day and a half?
:'''Lapis''': I'm still on the fence.
:''[The three laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Alright, let's see this thing she hit you with.
:'''Steven''': Uh, right. ''[pulls out the deactivated scythe and hands it to Peridot]''
:'''Peridot''': Whoa. Was there, like, uh, a laser or-
:'''Bismuth''': ''[snatches the weapon from Peridot's hands]'' Be careful with that! It's a Rejuvenator. Homeworld used to use these things on Gems that started steppin' out of line. One hit with this... you're back to how they made you. ''[sadly looks at Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': What are you lookin' at?
:'''Peridot''': Oh my stars, I touched it! I could have lost all my character development! Wait, how did you survive being hit by that thing, Steven?
:'''Steven''': I-I think I didn't. My human half kept me from poofing, but-but my Gem half, it took the hit! She sent me back, it's like I'm a kid again! I can barely control my powers! How do we reverse this? Oh, no. Do I need to get the Diamonds?
:'''Lapis''': You're the one with healing powers. If anyone can fix this, it's you.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe this. For the first time in years, everyone's in danger. Everybody needs me, and I'm useless! Bismuth, what do we do?
:'''Bismuth''': I'm sorry, Steven. ''[sighs]'' I don't know.
:'''Steven''': ''[turns to Ruby and Sapphire]'' Garnet would know what to do. Garnet always knows what to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': What's the damage?
:'''Peridot''': Amethyst, get away from me. I can't stand to see you all vacant and bereft of personality.
:'''Amethyst''': Yo, I'm back, you dip.
:'''Peridot''': Oh! Well, you're just in time for the end of the world! This is no ordinary injector. Whatever it's leaking into the ground is toxic. Let's get a scan going and see what we're dealing with. Just as I thought. Bio-poison. Pure and uncut. As of this moment, the ampoule has drained 15.4% of its contents, meaning the poison is releasing at a destruction rate of 5 cubic meters per hour, giving us, hmmm… 41 hours until the destruction of all organic life on Earth.
:'''Steven''': ''All'' organic life?!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah, like the animals, the plants, the insects. You know…people.
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. ''This'' is what Spinel meant. &quot;Your human half won't stand a chance against my injector.&quot; She… she brought this thing here to '''''kill''''' me, and now -- now it's gonna kill everything else on Earth, too?! I've got to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Steven, are you okay?
:'''Steven''': D-Don't worry about me. It's Spinel. We need her to remember how to stop her injector. Pearl, what do you know about her?
:'''Pearl''': Spinel? She was Pink Diamond's little playmate. They used to spend ages together in Pink's garden…
:'''Steven''': Garden?
:'''Pearl''': That's where they used to play.
:'''Amethyst''': So, what's her problem with us?
:'''Pearl''': I don't know. I haven't seen her in 6,000 years. Something must have happened to her since then.
:'''Steven''': Then that's what I need to find out.
:'''Greg''': Whoa, kiddo, are you sure you don't need a break?
:'''Amethyst''': It looks like that fusion took everything out of you.
:'''Steven''': I've gotta do what I can with the little I have left. I'm going after Spinel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Spinel, come on. We can talk this out.
:'''Spinel''': I don't wanna play anymore.
:'''Steven''': Spinel, this ISN'T A '''GAME!''' ''[Spinel furiously punches him in the cheek]'' Huh?
:'''Spinel''': ''[rapidly swings her fist and punches him again in the face, causing his nose to bleed, sending him back to the edge of her injector, and grabs him by the arm, holding him up]'' You know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you, I wanna '''''kill you even more.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': JUST CAN IT, WON'T YA?! You can't just make anything better by singing some STUPID SONG! All that stuff's easy for you to say. When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I change for the worse! ''[lunges at Steven, as he easily defends her blows with his shield]'' I used to be just not good enough! ''Just not'' '''good enough''' for Pink, but now -- '''now...''' &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT GOOD AT ALL!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[grows her fists to ridiculous sizes, slams them down at Steven's shield, further cracking the injector's surface; Noticing her collapse to her knees and wind down, Steven simply listens to her final breakdown]'' (''laughs and cries'') That's funny, r-right? A-At least you found me entertaining. You actually liked me, didn't you? What am I doing? Why do I wanna hurt you so bad? I'm supposed to be a friend. I just wanna be a friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Diamonds arrive to Earth in their ship]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Knock, knock, Steven.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's us.
:'''White Diamond''': The Diamonds? Are we interrupting something?
:'''Steven''': Uh, yeah. ''[Spinel hides as the 3 Diamonds descend from the ship]'' Yellow, Blue, White, what are y'all doing here?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, Steven, we were all talking and -- ''[sniffs]'' I'm sorry, but what is that smell?
:'''Steven''': I don't smell anything.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ugh. that's 'cause you ''live'' here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Anyway, we were talking, and we decided --
:'''White Diamond''': This is taking too long! Steven! We've come to Earth to live with ''[points her massive finger at Steven]'' ''you''!
:'''Steven''': What?! My house isn't big enough for all of us.
:'''White Diamond''': Oh, well, I'm sure we could make do with, um... ''[looks out at Beach City's ruined state: land split open, houses ruined, and injector debris scattered]'' Has your planet always been this... ''[waves her arm]'' ''destroyed''?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Not that we're judging.
:'''White Diamond''': Goodness, no, because judging anything based on appearance is wrong!

== Songs ==
==== The Tale of Steven ====
:'''White Diamond''': Steven
:Everyone believes in…
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Everyone believes in
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven,
:'''White Diamond''': All across the universe
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ever compassionate,
:'''Blue Diamond''': Can you imagine it?
:'''White Diamond''': Even with us at our worst?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Hybrid son of a Diamond,
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Human son of a Rose,
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': What a revelation,
:He's a revolution,
:A Gem that loves and grows
:'''White Diamond''': Steven,
:Have you heard the tale of
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Have you heard the tale of
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven?
:Always putting others first,
:Can you imagine it?
:Ever compassionate,
:Steven Universe

==== Happily Ever After ====
:'''Steven Universe''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's bright
:Nothing to fear
:No one to fight
:I can't believe we've come so far
:Happily ever after, here we are

==== Who We Are ====
:'''Steven''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's wrong
:Just a second ago, we were singing this song
:And now, they're gone, because of her
:Happily ever after, there we were

==== Finale ====
:'''Steven''': I'll be ready every day
:For as long as I can say
:Here I am in the future with my friends
:(I can make a change)
:That's why
:Happily ever after never ends

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network films]]
[[Category:Animated films about friendship]]</text>
      <sha1>ge9u7hduup94l74iv4m6wtlof863g1c</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153264</id>
      <parentid>3153261</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:15:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12025" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Steven Universe: The Movie}}'''''  is a 2019 animated musical produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]. The events of the film follow [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of [[Steven Universe]].

== Dialogue ==
:'''White Diamond''': ''[narrating]'' Once upon a time, the Gem Homeworld was ruled by Diamonds -- White, Yellow, Blue, and the littlest Diamond, Pink. While the other Diamonds conquered many worlds across the galaxy, Pink had only one -- the planet Earth. One day, Pink fled the comforts of Homeworld. On Earth, she made a new home, new friends, and finally, new life, giving up her form to bequeath her gem to her half-human son. Without Pink, Gemkind entered an era of despair. But, when Steven Universe learned of his heritage, he reunited with his fellow Diamonds and championed a new era of peace and freedom across the furthest reaches of space. ''[shuts book]'' And now, dear Gems everywhere, I'm pleased to announce that Steven is finally ready to take his rightful place on Pink Diamond's throne!
:''[Pan down to Steven, now 16 years old, with the spotlight shining on him]''
:'''Steven''': How's it going, everybody? I know you all might be thinking of me as the new Pink Diamond, but you don't have to put me on a throne. I already have a rightful place, and it's on Earth. 
:'''Blue Diamond''': Huh?
:'''White Diamond''': What?
:'''Steven''': It's a beach house, where I live with my friends, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. As much as I've loved dismantling the empire and saving all your planets, I can't wait to get home and spend some quality time with my friends.
:'''White Diamond''': Cut the feed.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Your time is up anyway.
:'''Steven''': I think that went well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': I'm so excited to meet you!
:'''Steven''': You're not mad?
:'''Spinel''': Mad? Why would I be mad at my best friend?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': She rode in on that?!
:'''Steven''': Yeah. She said my &quot;human half&quot; wouldn't stand a chance against her Injector.
:'''Lapis''': What does that mean?
:'''Peridot''': Why don't we just ask her?
:'''Steven''': Well, here's the thing- ''[Spinel creeps up from behind him and pokes at his shoulders]'' Hmm? What? Where'd she- ''[Spinel pops up from behind him and he gets startled]'' Aah!
:'''Spinel''': SURPRISE!
:'''Steven''': Here she is... My new best friend, Spinel.
:'''Spinel''': ''[bows]'' A pleasure to meet you all.
:'''Bismuth''': I thought you said she was ''just'' trying to kill you.
:'''Lapis''': Wow. Quick turnaround.
:'''Peridot''': No kidding. It took me months to stop trying to kill Steven.
:'''Bismuth''': I say it took me a day- day and a half?
:'''Lapis''': I'm still on the fence.
:''[The three laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Alright, let's see this thing she hit you with.
:'''Steven''': Uh, right. ''[pulls out the deactivated scythe and hands it to Peridot]''
:'''Peridot''': Whoa. Was there, like, uh, a laser or-
:'''Bismuth''': ''[snatches the weapon from Peridot's hands]'' Be careful with that! It's a Rejuvenator. Homeworld used to use these things on Gems that started steppin' out of line. One hit with this... you're back to how they made you. ''[sadly looks at Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Ruby''': What are you lookin' at?
:'''Peridot''': Oh my stars, I touched it! I could have lost all my character development! Wait, how did you survive being hit by that thing, Steven?
:'''Steven''': I-I think I didn't. My human half kept me from poofing, but-but my gem half, it took the hit! She sent me back, it's like I'm a kid again! I can barely control my powers! How do we reverse this? Oh, no. Do I need to get the Diamonds?
:'''Lapis''': You're the one with healing powers. If anyone can fix this, it's you.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe this. For the first time in years, everyone's in danger. Everybody needs me, and I'm useless! Bismuth, what do we do?
:'''Bismuth''': I'm sorry, Steven. ''[sighs]'' I don't know.
:'''Steven''': ''[turns to Ruby and Sapphire]'' Garnet would know what to do. Garnet always knows what to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': What's the damage?
:'''Peridot''': Amethyst, get away from me. I can't stand to see you all vacant and bereft of personality.
:'''Amethyst''': Yo, I'm back, you dip.
:'''Peridot''': Oh! Well, you're just in time for the end of the world! This is no ordinary injector. Whatever it's leaking into the ground is toxic. Let's get a scan going and see what we're dealing with. Just as I thought. Bio-poison. Pure and uncut. As of this moment, the ampoule has drained 15.4% of its contents, meaning the poison is releasing at a destruction rate of 5 cubic meters per hour, giving us, hmmm… 41 hours until the destruction of all organic life on Earth.
:'''Steven''': ''All'' organic life?!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah, like the animals, the plants, the insects. You know…people.
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. ''This'' is what Spinel meant. &quot;Your human half won't stand a chance against my injector.&quot; She… she brought this thing here to '''''kill''''' me, and now -- now it's gonna kill everything else on Earth, too?! I've got to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Steven, are you okay?
:'''Steven''': D-Don't worry about me. It's Spinel. We need her to remember how to stop her injector. Pearl, what do you know about her?
:'''Pearl''': Spinel? She was Pink Diamond's little playmate. They used to spend ages together in Pink's garden…
:'''Steven''': Garden?
:'''Pearl''': That's where they used to play.
:'''Amethyst''': So, what's her problem with us?
:'''Pearl''': I don't know. I haven't seen her in 6,000 years. Something must have happened to her since then.
:'''Steven''': Then that's what I need to find out.
:'''Greg''': Whoa, kiddo, are you sure you don't need a break?
:'''Amethyst''': It looks like that fusion took everything out of you.
:'''Steven''': I've gotta do what I can with the little I have left. I'm going after Spinel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Spinel, come on. We can talk this out.
:'''Spinel''': I don't wanna play anymore.
:'''Steven''': Spinel, this ISN'T A '''GAME!''' ''[Spinel furiously punches him in the cheek]'' Huh?
:'''Spinel''': ''[rapidly swings her fist and punches him again in the face, causing his nose to bleed, sending him back to the edge of her injector, and grabs him by the arm, holding him up]'' You know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you, I wanna '''''kill you even more.''''' ''[one by one, releases her fingers, making Steven slip]''
:'''Steven''': ''[growls]'' I don't get it!
:'''Spinel''': Huh?
:'''Steven''': Why aren't my powers back? Aren't I reliving every horrible thing that's ever happened to me? A gem I barely know is trying to kill me. I'm paying for stuff my mom did that had nothing to do with me. ''[starts to sob]'' I'm struggling with my powers, the world's about to end! What piece could I be missing?! This is the story of my life!
:'''Spinel''': ''[laughs]'' Wow! I knew I was gonna set you back, but ''this'' is how you started? The legend, Steven Universe? ''[laughs]'' You gotta be kidding me. How did a powerless loser like you become savior of the galaxy?!
:'''Steven''': I changed. That's the final piece. All those struggles, I learned from them, and I grew. Oh my gosh. It's not just my gem powers I've forgotten. All this happily ever after stuff has made me forget the first power I ever had -- the power to change!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': JUST CAN IT, WON'T YA?! You can't just make anything better by singing some STUPID SONG! All that stuff's easy for you to say. When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I change for the worse! ''[lunges at Steven, as he easily defends her blows with his shield]'' I used to be just not good enough! ''Just not'' '''good enough''' for Pink, but now -- '''now...''' &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT GOOD AT ALL!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[grows her fists to ridiculous sizes, slams them down at Steven's shield, further cracking the injector's surface; Noticing her collapse to her knees and wind down, Steven simply listens to her final breakdown]'' (''laughs and cries'') That's funny, r-right? A-At least you found me entertaining. You actually liked me, didn't you? What am I doing? Why do I wanna hurt you so bad? I'm supposed to be a friend. I just wanna be a friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Diamonds arrive to Earth in their ship]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Knock, knock, Steven.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's us.
:'''White Diamond''': The Diamonds? Are we interrupting something?
:'''Steven''': Uh, yeah. ''[Spinel hides as the 3 Diamonds descend from the ship]'' Yellow, Blue, White, what are y'all doing here?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, Steven, we were all talking and -- ''[sniffs]'' I'm sorry, but what is that smell?
:'''Steven''': I don't smell anything.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ugh. that's 'cause you ''live'' here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Anyway, we were talking, and we decided --
:'''White Diamond''': This is taking too long! Steven! We've come to Earth to live with ''[points her massive finger at Steven]'' ''you''!
:'''Steven''': What?! My house isn't big enough for all of us.
:'''White Diamond''': Oh, well, I'm sure we could make do with, um... ''[looks out at Beach City's ruined state: land split open, houses ruined, and injector debris scattered]'' Has your planet always been this... ''[waves her arm]'' ''destroyed''?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Not that we're judging.
:'''White Diamond''': Goodness, no, because judging anything based on appearance is wrong!

== Songs ==
==== The Tale of Steven ====
:'''White Diamond''': Steven
:Everyone believes in…
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Everyone believes in
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven,
:'''White Diamond''': All across the universe
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ever compassionate,
:'''Blue Diamond''': Can you imagine it?
:'''White Diamond''': Even with us at our worst?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Hybrid son of a Diamond,
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Human son of a Rose,
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': What a revelation,
:He's a revolution,
:A Gem that loves and grows
:'''White Diamond''': Steven,
:Have you heard the tale of
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Have you heard the tale of
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven?
:Always putting others first,
:Can you imagine it?
:Ever compassionate,
:Steven Universe

==== Happily Ever After ====
:'''Steven Universe''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's bright
:Nothing to fear
:No one to fight
:I can't believe we've come so far
:Happily ever after, here we are

==== Who We Are ====
:'''Steven''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's wrong
:Just a second ago, we were singing this song
:And now, they're gone, because of her
:Happily ever after, there we were

==== Finale ====
:'''Steven''': I'll be ready every day
:For as long as I can say
:Here I am in the future with my friends
:(I can make a change)
:That's why
:Happily ever after never ends

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American animated TV films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network films]]
[[Category:Animated films about friendship]]</text>
      <sha1>84brucsmrjm91s5mqkw76p5rapcopvg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153265</id>
      <parentid>3153264</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T17:17:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12057" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Steven Universe: The Movie}}'''''  is a 2019 animated musical produced by [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]. The events of the film follow [[Steven Universe (season 5)|Season 5]] of [[Steven Universe]].

== Dialogue ==
:'''White Diamond''': ''[narrating]'' Once upon a time, the Gem Homeworld was ruled by Diamonds -- White, Yellow, Blue, and the littlest Diamond, Pink. While the other Diamonds conquered many worlds across the galaxy, Pink had only one -- the planet Earth. One day, Pink fled the comforts of Homeworld. On Earth, she made a new home, new friends, and finally, new life, giving up her form to bequeath her gem to her half-human son. Without Pink, Gemkind entered an era of despair. But, when Steven Universe learned of his heritage, he reunited with his fellow Diamonds and championed a new era of peace and freedom across the furthest reaches of space. ''[shuts book]'' And now, dear Gems everywhere, I'm pleased to announce that Steven is finally ready to take his rightful place on Pink Diamond's throne!
:''[Pan down to Steven, now 16 years old, with the spotlight shining on him]''
:'''Steven''': How's it going, everybody? I know you all might be thinking of me as the new Pink Diamond, but you don't have to put me on a throne. I already have a rightful place, and it's on Earth. 
:'''Blue Diamond''': Huh?
:'''White Diamond''': What?
:'''Steven''': It's a beach house, where I live with my friends, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. As much as I've loved dismantling the empire and saving all your planets, I can't wait to get home and spend some quality time with my friends.
:'''White Diamond''': Cut the feed.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Your time is up anyway.
:'''Steven''': I think that went well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': I'm so excited to meet you!
:'''Steven''': You're not mad?
:'''Spinel''': Mad? Why would I be mad at my best friend?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': She rode in on that?!
:'''Steven''': Yeah. She said my &quot;human half&quot; wouldn't stand a chance against her Injector.
:'''Lapis''': What does that mean?
:'''Peridot''': Why don't we just ask her?
:'''Steven''': Well, here's the thing- ''[Spinel creeps up from behind him and pokes at his shoulders]'' Hmm? What? Where'd she- ''[Spinel pops up from behind him and he gets startled]'' Aah!
:'''Spinel''': SURPRISE!
:'''Steven''': Here she is... My new best friend, Spinel.
:'''Spinel''': ''[bows]'' A pleasure to meet you all.
:'''Bismuth''': I thought you said she was ''just'' trying to kill you.
:'''Lapis''': Wow. Quick turnaround.
:'''Peridot''': No kidding. It took me months to stop trying to kill Steven.
:'''Bismuth''': I say it took me a day- day and a half?
:'''Lapis''': I'm still on the fence.
:''[The three laugh]''
:'''Peridot''': Alright, let's see this thing she hit you with.
:'''Steven''': Uh, right. ''[pulls out the deactivated scythe and hands it to Peridot]''
:'''Peridot''': Whoa. Was there, like, uh, a laser or-
:'''Bismuth''': ''[snatches the weapon from Peridot's hands]'' Be careful with that! It's a Rejuvenator. Homeworld used to use these things on Gems that started steppin' out of line. One hit with this… ''[reactivates the Rejuvenator and sadly looks at Ruby and Sapphire]'' you're back to how they made you.
:'''Ruby''': What are you lookin' at?
:'''Peridot''': Oh my stars, I touched it! I could have lost all my character development! Wait, how did you survive being hit by that thing, Steven?
:'''Steven''': I-I think I didn't. My human half kept me from poofing, but-but my Gem half, it took the hit! She sent me back, it's like I'm a kid again! I can barely control my powers! How do we reverse this? Oh, no. Do I need to get the Diamonds?
:'''Lapis''': You're the one with healing powers. If anyone can fix this, it's you.
:'''Steven''': I can't believe this. For the first time in years, everyone's in danger. Everybody needs me, and I'm useless! Bismuth, what do we do?
:'''Bismuth''': I'm sorry, Steven. ''[sighs]'' I don't know.
:'''Steven''': ''[turns to Ruby and Sapphire]'' Garnet would know what to do. Garnet always knows what to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': What's the damage?
:'''Peridot''': Amethyst, get away from me. I can't stand to see you all vacant and bereft of personality.
:'''Amethyst''': Yo, I'm back, you dip.
:'''Peridot''': Oh! Well, you're just in time for the end of the world! This is no ordinary injector. Whatever it's leaking into the ground is toxic. Let's get a scan going and see what we're dealing with. Just as I thought. Bio-poison. Pure and uncut. As of this moment, the ampoule has drained 15.4% of its contents, meaning the poison is releasing at a destruction rate of 5 cubic meters per hour, giving us, hmmm… 41 hours until the destruction of all organic life on Earth.
:'''Steven''': ''All'' organic life?!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah, like the animals, the plants, the insects. You know…people.
:'''Steven''': Oh, no. ''This'' is what Spinel meant. &quot;Your human half won't stand a chance against my injector.&quot; She… she brought this thing here to '''''kill''''' me, and now -- now it's gonna kill everything else on Earth, too?! I've got to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': Steven, are you okay?
:'''Steven''': D-Don't worry about me. It's Spinel. We need her to remember how to stop her injector. Pearl, what do you know about her?
:'''Pearl''': Spinel? She was Pink Diamond's little playmate. They used to spend ages together in Pink's garden…
:'''Steven''': Garden?
:'''Pearl''': That's where they used to play.
:'''Amethyst''': So, what's her problem with us?
:'''Pearl''': I don't know. I haven't seen her in 6,000 years. Something must have happened to her since then.
:'''Steven''': Then that's what I need to find out.
:'''Greg''': Whoa, kiddo, are you sure you don't need a break?
:'''Amethyst''': It looks like that fusion took everything out of you.
:'''Steven''': I've gotta do what I can with the little I have left. I'm going after Spinel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steven''': Spinel, come on. We can talk this out.
:'''Spinel''': I don't wanna play anymore.
:'''Steven''': Spinel, this ISN'T A '''GAME!''' ''[Spinel furiously punches him in the cheek]'' Huh?
:'''Spinel''': ''[rapidly swings her fist and punches him again in the face, causing his nose to bleed, sending him back to the edge of her injector, and grabs him by the arm, holding him up]'' You know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you, I wanna '''''kill you even more.''''' ''[one by one, releases her fingers, making Steven slip]''
:'''Steven''': ''[growls]'' I don't get it!
:'''Spinel''': Huh?
:'''Steven''': Why aren't my powers back? Aren't I reliving every horrible thing that's ever happened to me? A gem I barely know is trying to kill me. I'm paying for stuff my mom did that had nothing to do with me. ''[starts to sob]'' I'm struggling with my powers, the world's about to end! What piece could I be missing?! This is the story of my life!
:'''Spinel''': ''[laughs]'' Wow! I knew I was gonna set you back, but ''this'' is how you started? The legend, Steven Universe? ''[laughs]'' You gotta be kidding me. How did a powerless loser like you become savior of the galaxy?!
:'''Steven''': I changed. That's the final piece. All those struggles, I learned from them, and I grew. Oh my gosh. It's not just my gem powers I've forgotten. All this happily ever after stuff has made me forget the first power I ever had -- the power to change!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spinel''': JUST CAN IT, WON'T YA?! You can't just make anything better by singing some STUPID SONG! All that stuff's easy for you to say. When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I change for the worse! ''[lunges at Steven, as he easily defends her blows with his shield]'' I used to be just not good enough! ''Just not'' '''good enough''' for Pink, but now -- '''now...''' &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT GOOD AT ALL!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[grows her fists to ridiculous sizes, slams them down at Steven's shield, further cracking the injector's surface; Noticing her collapse to her knees and wind down, Steven simply listens to her final breakdown]'' (''laughs and cries'') That's funny, r-right? A-At least you found me entertaining. You actually liked me, didn't you? What am I doing? Why do I wanna hurt you so bad? I'm supposed to be a friend. I just wanna be a friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Diamonds arrive to Earth in their ship]''
:'''Blue Diamond''': Knock, knock, Steven.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': It's us.
:'''White Diamond''': The Diamonds? Are we interrupting something?
:'''Steven''': Uh, yeah. ''[Spinel hides as the 3 Diamonds descend from the ship]'' Yellow, Blue, White, what are y'all doing here?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Well, Steven, we were all talking and -- ''[sniffs]'' I'm sorry, but what is that smell?
:'''Steven''': I don't smell anything.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ugh. that's 'cause you ''live'' here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Anyway, we were talking, and we decided --
:'''White Diamond''': This is taking too long! Steven! We've come to Earth to live with ''[points her massive finger at Steven]'' ''you''!
:'''Steven''': What?! My house isn't big enough for all of us.
:'''White Diamond''': Oh, well, I'm sure we could make do with, um... ''[looks out at Beach City's ruined state: land split open, houses ruined, and injector debris scattered]'' Has your planet always been this... ''[waves her arm]'' ''destroyed''?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Not that we're judging.
:'''White Diamond''': Goodness, no, because judging anything based on appearance is wrong!

== Songs ==
==== The Tale of Steven ====
:'''White Diamond''': Steven
:Everyone believes in…
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Everyone believes in
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven,
:'''White Diamond''': All across the universe
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Ever compassionate,
:'''Blue Diamond''': Can you imagine it?
:'''White Diamond''': Even with us at our worst?
:'''Blue Diamond''': Hybrid son of a Diamond,
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Human son of a Rose,
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': What a revelation,
:He's a revolution,
:A Gem that loves and grows
:'''White Diamond''': Steven,
:Have you heard the tale of
:'''Yellow and Blue Diamond''': Have you heard the tale of
:'''White, Yellow, and Blue Diamond''': Steven?
:Always putting others first,
:Can you imagine it?
:Ever compassionate,
:Steven Universe

==== Happily Ever After ====
:'''Steven Universe''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's bright
:Nothing to fear
:No one to fight
:I can't believe we've come so far
:Happily ever after, here we are

==== Who We Are ====
:'''Steven''': Here we are in the future
:Here we are in the future and it's wrong
:Just a second ago, we were singing this song
:And now, they're gone, because of her
:Happily ever after, there we were

==== Finale ====
:'''Steven''': I'll be ready every day
:For as long as I can say
:Here I am in the future with my friends
:(I can make a change)
:That's why
:Happily ever after never ends

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
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      <text bytes="28948" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Elizabeth Martínez|Elizabeth Martínez]]''' (December 12, 1925 - June 29, 2021) was an Chicana feminist and a community organizer, activist, author, and educator. 

== Quotes ==

* … I had my own personal experiences with prejudice. I was the only child of color in primary school, junior high and high school. I went through all those years feeling like a freak in one all-white school after the other. The family next door wouldn't let their daughter play with me because I was Mexican. I got on a bus once in D.C. with my father, who was very dark, and they told us to go to the back of the bus, where black people had to sit in those years. All this created in me a feeling of empathy and solidarity with people of color and formed the roots of my commitment to fighting for social justice and against racism.
** On becoming a political activist in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* … I don't use &quot;Hispanic&quot; because it is Eurocentric and denies the fact that the people being labeled are not just of Spanish origin. Nor do they all speak Spanish. &quot;Hispanic&quot; denies our indigenous or Indian roots. It also denies our African roots, from the thousands of slaves that were brought to Latin America. &quot;Hispanics&quot; are a unique people made up of at least three different populations. For many of us the term &quot;Latino/Latina&quot; is better than &quot;Hispanic.&quot; It has a connection with Latin America, not with Spain. But &quot;Latino&quot; is by no means ideal because it has a European connotation, also. The term comes from &quot;Latin,&quot; which was, of course, a European language.
** On what she prefers to be called ethnically in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* Thinking about racism in terms of just black and white is a further &quot;invisibilization.&quot; We have to recognize the commonality of experience of racism among people of color. Sometimes racism is based on skin color or other physical features; it can have added components of culture, language and legal status -- as in the case of people of Mexican descent.…
** On racism in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* …it’s just another front in the battle against racism. And that’s what it was, because New Mexico was much more colonial than any other area, but it was all the same damn racism. And so I never felt like I was breaking any life pattern; I was just shifting to another front.…
** On how she joined the Chicano Movement in [https://www.smith.edu/libraries/libs/ssc/vof/transcripts/MartinezBetita.pdf “ELIZABETH (BETITA) MARTINEZ”] (Voices of Feminism Oral History Project; 2006)

* ''[Sin ese libro], tú no podrías escuchar nada sobre nuestra tradición de resistencia femenina a la opresión, que se remonta a la mujer nativa que tomó los techos de las casas en lo que luego se convertiría en México e &quot;hizo llover dardos y piedras&quot; sobre los invasores españoles. O a la mujer que, en Oaxaca, demandó a su esposo por abuso y logró que su caso llegara a la corte en 1630. O a las mujeres Maya que encerró al cura español en su iglesia por no aceptar que se enterraran a las víctimas mayas de una epidemia de tifus en tierras de la iglesia. O a las masivas &quot;Revueltas del Maíz&quot; de 1962 realizadas por mujeres que se rehusaban a morir de hambre.''
[Without a book like this] you would not hear about our tradition of female resistance to oppression, going back to Aztec women who took to the rooftops in what later became Mexico City and ‘rained down darts and stones’ on the invading Spainiards. Or the woman who filed suit in Oaxaca against her husband for abuse and had her case heard in court-in 1630! Or the Maya women who lackeed up the local Spanish priest in his church for not having Maya victims of a typhus epidemic buried in church ground. And the massive ‘Corn Riots’ of 1692 by women who refused to starve.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Pídele a casi cualquier chicana o chicano fuera de la academia que nombre a una mujer famosa de origen mexicano y probablemente vas a escuchar &quot;Dolores Huerta&quot;. Si la persona conoce a nuestras escritoras contemporáneas, quizá mencione a &quot;Sandra Cisneros&quot; o &quot;Ana Castillo&quot;. Si preguntas por un nombre de los primeros tiempos, te podrán decir Sor Juana, la monja rebelde de los mil seiscientos. Cuando trates de profundizar, la persona a tu lado tal vez va a decir, &quot;iMe doy por vencido!, pero, bueno... ahí está la Virgen de Guadalupe, que creo, está en muchísimas camisetas. Era inevitable entonces, que la necesidad de un libro como este sea finalmente reconocida.''
Ask almost anyone outside of academia to name famous US women of Mexican origin and you will probably hear ‘Dolores Huerta.’ If the person knows our contemporary writers, maybe ‘Sandra Cisneros’ and ‘Ana Castillo.’ If you ask for a name from earlier times, you might get ‘Sor Juana’-the rebel nun of the 1600’s. When you try to dig deeper, your companion may whimper, ‘I give up! Well…there’s the Virgin of Guadalupe, she’s on a lot of T-shirts. It was inevitable, then, that the need for a book like this would be recognized.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Cuando el movimiento chicano empezó, vimos en Nuevo México, a las Chicana y a otras, trabajando para recuperar las tierras perdidas con la guerra de 1846-48 contra Estados Unidos, miles salieron de las escuelas secundarias para protestar contra el racismo, y muchas se pusieron Boinas Marrones para defender sus comunidades. Nosotros nos unimos a la United Farm Workers como campesinas y apoyamos el boicoteo. Nosotros marchamos en contra de la Guerra de Vietnam el 29 de Agosto de 1970, solo para ser perseguidos, acosadas y maltratadas con los gases lacrimógenos de la policía que incluso mató a tres chicanos ese día.''
When the Chicano movement began, we saw Chicanas and others in New Mexico working to get back land lost with the 1846-48 US war, thousands walking out of high schools to protest the racism, and many putting on Brown Berets to defend their communities. We joined the United Farm Workers as campesinas and boycott supporters. Thousands of us marched against the Vietnam war on August 29, 1970, only to be chased and struck down by tear-gassing police who also killed three Chicanos that day
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* The problem of locating photos often confirms the indifference to women’s presence in history, as reflected in the media, books, historical records, museums, university libraries.
''El problema de localizar fotografías confirma la indiferencia ante la presencia de las mujeres en la historia, cosa que se refleja constantemente en los medios, libros, archivos históricos, museos y bibliotecas universitarias.''
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

== De Colores Means All of Us: Latina Views for a Multi-Colored Century (2017) ==

* The oppression and exploitation of Latinos (like Asians) have historical roots unknown to most Americans. People who learn at least a little about Black slavery remain totally ignorant about how the United States seized half of Mexico or how it has colonized Puerto Rico.

* It seems nostalgia runs rampant among many Euro-Americans: a nostalgia for the days of unchallenged White Supremacy-both moral and material-when life was 'simple.'

* The collective memory of every Latino people includes direct or indirect (neo-)colonialism, primarily by Spain or Portugal and later by the United States. Among Latinos, Mexicans in what we now call the Southwest have experienced US colonialism the longest and most directly, with Puerto Ricans not far behind

* The real concern of anti-diversity warriors is not with the introduction of politics but with the wrong kind of politics. They want literature to serve a very political function indeed: to sustain, not criticize, the status quo.

* When I worked for the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee [[w: Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee|SNCC]] from 1961 to 1968, first as a volunteer and then as full-time staff, it seemed perfectly natural. If a person wanted to spend her life tearing down the prison called White Supremacy, what better place to go than the Black movement? And proudly, too. It took a few years to wonder, how does a person who isn't white-but not Black either-fit into the color scheme of this color-obsessed society? After a while, some unexplored Mexican spirit inside, and the changing times outside, drew me to the Southwest, where I had never been. It had its own prison of White Supremacy. But the two prisons were really one, and the fight was really one, and a perfectly natural voice said: Let us tear down all prisons together. Amen.

* Manifest Destiny saw Yankee conquest as the inevitable result of a confrontation between enterprise and progress (white) versus passivity and backwardness (Indian, Mexican).

* Linking the national identity with race is not unique to the United States. National identity always requires an &quot;other&quot; to define it. But this country has linked its identity with race to an extraordinary degree, matched only by two other settler states: South Africa and Israel.

* The concept of Manifest Destiny, with its assertion of racial superiority sustained by military power, has defined U.S. identity for 150 years. Only the Vietnam War brought a serious challenge to that concept of almightiness. Bitter debate, moral anguish, images of My Lai and the prospect of military defeat for the first time in U.S. history all suggested that the long-standing marriage of virtue and violence might soon be on the rocks.

* A new origin narrative and national identity could help pave the way to a more livable society for us all. A society based on cooperation rather than competition, on the idea that all living creatures are interdependent and that humanity's goal should be balance. Such were the values of many original Americans, deemed &quot;savages.&quot; Similar gifts are waiting from other despised peoples and traditions. We might well start by recognizing that &quot;America&quot; is the name of an entire hemisphere, rich in a stunning variety of histories, cultures and peoples-not just one country.

* The origin myth's omissions are grotesque. It ignores three major pillars of our nationhood: genocide, enslavement and imperialist expansion. The massive extermination of indigenous peoples provided our land base; the enslavement of African labor made our economic growth possible; and the seizure of half of Mexico by war (or threat of renewed war) extended this nation's boundaries north to the Pacific and south to the Rio Grande. Such are the foundation stones of the United States, within an economic system that made this country the first in world history to be born capitalist.

* The anti-diversity war rages not only in academia but in the whole society. Like the anti-affirmative action campaign, it is profoundly racist and sexist. Both represent much more than a backlash: they are tactics for solidifying a rightist ideology to sustain the Right's political hegemony, to guarantee that a racist, sexist and capitalist agenda holds the center of U.S. political culture. This in turn calls for demonizing progressive ideas and people that might impede right-wing domination over ideological space. It calls for blocking the study of U.S. history as a history of racism, sexism and imperialism at work. The U.S. political culture must be kept ahistorical, even anti-historical. The war on multiculturalism parallels the way in which reactionaries sought to use the Gulf War to regenerate patriotism and thereby annul the Vietnam War syndrome with its national self-doubt.

* A term originally created by leftists in humorous self-mockery, &quot;PC&quot; is now used to evoke Stalinist demands for conformity. Thus PC-baiting has become a post-Cold War substitute for anti-communism, and a dangerously reactionary political expression.

* The answer to hate words is not speech codes but strong protest and educational efforts when we hear them. Don't ban bigoted language, but let those who use it know what to expect-severe public criticism, spontaneous demonstrations and why. This may be the liberal American Civil Liberties Union position; so be it, for history shows that limits on one person's freedom of speech make it a non-freedom for others. In failing to take this stand, progressives and leftists also aid the PC-baiters by giving them the moral high ground of being &quot;anti-censorship.&quot;

* One of the most serious obstacles to genuine diversification is that on most campuses the faculty remains lily-white and male

* But the ferocious attempt to block any non-Eurocentric, non-traditional educational effort has shown the need to expose the attack on multiculturalism, while insisting that it be defined as anti-racism. Interpreted that way, and not simply as additive, it is truly subversive, for it defies the centrality of a Euro-dominated nationhood. Let us define multiculturalism, then, as a united front against White Supremacy. Anglo teachers, students and activists should recognize that today's reactionary opposition to a genuine multiculturalism signifies a chilling repression of independent thinking in general. It signifies a readiness to curb any systemic critique of U.S. society. Yet even those apparently concerned about social justice seem indifferent to such threats as compared to the perceived threat of diminished race-power. One wants to holler: &quot;Yo, gringitos-wake up! They'll be coming for you in the morning, if you don't stand with the rest of us tonight.&quot;

* They are living examples of Xicanisma (&quot;Chicanisma&quot;), a Chicana womanism that bridges anti-racist and anti-sexist struggle. Xicanisma allows us to begin imagining a liberation without boundaries or hierarchies. It encourages Raza to confront our contradictions as a people more openly than we did in the past. Too often incidents of sexism or homophobia remain chisme, &quot;gossip&quot;; too often social crimes are reduced to private griping; too often we are intimidated out of criticism. Let us confront the contradictions con valor, courageously, and remember that feminism is no alien creature but a deep-rooted tradition for Latinas. Let the moon rise on a new century for new women. The opposition mounts new attacks to halt our liberation, but it's not a time for despair-just a time for sharp eyes a and open minds.

* The voices of the grassroots, of people like [[w:Fannie Lou Hamer|Fannie Lou Hamer]], must always be heard if we are to understand the past and move effectively toward the future

* Another sign of positive change: one young African-American woman, daughter of two SNCC veterans, announced without hesitation: &quot;I'm a lesbian. That doesn't mean I'm not a Black woman.&quot; Rejecting the frequent demand for a single identity, she explained, &quot;I want to deal with sexism and homophobia, not just racism.&quot; Perhaps a quarter or a third of the room clapped for her comments, but it is impossible to imagine any such openness 30 years ago. We can also be cheered by the fact that [[w:John Lewis|Rep. John Lewis]], from Georgia, former SNCC chair, spoke against homophobia strongly and unasked.

* The Civil Rights Movement was not an event; it is a process and it goes on. Process says one should learn the language of youth, respect them without glorifying them, take a long look at what we could have done better and pass the lessons along.

* the contradiction of encountering male-supremacist practices within a movement supposedly fighting for social justice spurred many Chicanas to new consciousness.

* The most striking change during the past 20 years can be seen in attitudes toward homophobia. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, an almost total silence hung over gay and lesbian advocacy. No openly gay person could be a movement leader. Today homophobia persists; most progressive, straight Chicanos as well as Chicanas still fail to see gay and lesbian rights as another struggle of other oppressed people. Too many still fail to see homophobia as a sometimes murderous force of discrimination. But the situation has improved, especially in some major cities, in academia and among youth.

* The articulation of concerns common to almost all women, such as health, child care, domestic violence, rape and reproductive rights, is much more frequent than it was two decades ago.

* Looking over the past two decades, we see close ties between gender-related attitudes and political ideology. A law seems to exist that sexism and heterosexism almost always travel alongside reactionary types of nationalism.

* In the provocation and shaping of that consciousness, Chicana artists and writers have had great influence. We would not be as far along as we are today without the heretical work of painters Yolanda López and Ester Hernández, whose militant transformations of the Virgin of Guadalupe offer a liberation never before available. We would not be this far along without painter Juana Alicia's images of Latina women as strong survivors. We would not be this far along without some biting poems from Sandra Cisneros, the multifaceted work of feminist writer Ana Castillo, the beautifully bold writing of lesbian authors [[w:Cherríe Moraga|Cherríe Moraga]] and [[w:Gloria E. Anzaldúa|Gloria Anzaldúa]] mentioned above. Not to mention the performance art of lesbian comedians like Marga Gómez and Monica Palacios. So many more names could be set down; all have nurtured the feminist impulse of young Chicanas, especially those in their upper teens and early twenties.

* Plagued by Western habits of either-or, dualistic thinking, we all may fail to understand that race, class and gender interconnect to sustain a corporate ruling class. In the language of African-American essayist bell hooks, they are interlocking systems of oppression. Neither Latina nor Anglo women should yield to the temptation of making a hierarchy of oppressions where battles are fought over whether racism is &quot;worse&quot; than sexism, or class oppression is &quot;deeper&quot; than racism, etc. Instead of hierarchies we need bridges.

* In the early 1900s, while colonization continued, the original Mexican population of the Southwest was greatly increased by an immigration the continues today. This combination of centuries-old roots and relatively new ones gives the Mexican-American people a rich and varied cultural heritage.

* an obsession with self-definition can become a trap if that is all we think about, all we debate. If liberation terminology becomes an end in itself and our only end, it ceases to be a tool of liberation. Terms can be useful, even vital tools, but the house of La Raza that is waiting to be built needs many kinds.

* Many young Raza activists today are adopting a vision that embraces the strengths of nationalism while shunning its divisiveness. They call it &quot;native spirituality,&quot; or &quot;the natural way,&quot; or &quot;indigenismo,&quot; and see it as that revolutionary worldview we urgently need.

* indigenismo can subvert the colonized mentality found among mestizo peoples that elevates the European and denigrates the Indian. For Chicano/a youth, discovering they have roots in indigenous, often advanced, pre-Columbian cultures can help develop a sense of potential empowerment. &quot;My ancestors invented rubber? Wow!&quot; exclaimed one incredulous Los Angeles gang member to a youth counselor telling him about ancient Mexico and the Olmecas (who didn't exactly invent rubber, since Nature was the inventor, but who surely did develop it). Such discoveries can be a first step toward understanding and respecting the worldview of indigenous peoples.

* Sometimes we also find a tendency to view everything that's indigenous as good and anything &quot;European&quot;-such as Spain-as evil. That view overlooks such historical realities as the Aztec empire's oppressive domination of other indigenous societies and its class system, which privileged priests and the military. That view also forgets Spain was not a typically European nation after 600 years of rule by the Moors, an Arab/Berber people from Africa.

* it's vital to avoid a longtime error of leftist politics, starting with Marxism: failure to understand the powerful role in human society of subjective forces such as spirituality. That failure has opened the door wide to right-wing manipulation of spiritual hunger. That failure undermines the possibility of mobilizing masses of Latinos/as for whom faith has been an affirmation of heart in a heartless world. The bottom line in any organizing for social justice needs to be respect for others' needs, including spiritual needs.

* We can look to Mexico, where a vision for social change has been powerfully affirmed by the Maya people of Chiapas. They named their vision &quot;Zapatismo,&quot; in memory of Mexican revolutionary Emiliano Zapata, and startled the world with an armed uprising on January 1, 1994. That day, and ever since, the Zapatistas have posed the basic problem: how to establish both identity and democracy? How to achieve a new life of dignity for indigenous people while also creating a Mexico of justice for everyone? Always the Zapatistas have said they do not want one without the other. At a 1996 meeting of Chicanas/os with some of the Zapatista leadership, Comandante Tacho began his presentation by saying: &quot;We don't want power. What we want is decent homes, enough to eat, health care for our children, schools.&quot; At first I thought to myself: how can you gain those things without power? Then I realized that by power he meant domination. The Zapatista vision does not find the answer to injustice in the replacement of one domination by another, but in a vast change of the political culture from the bottom up that will create a revolutionary democracy.

* The era called the sixties can be said to run from 1955 (the Montgomery bus boycott) to 1975 (when the mass movements had died down and most activists were moving on to new forms of struggle or non-political priorities). But many of the authors of those two dozen books end the era in 1970, not because the decade formally ended then but largely because that was when male-led, white student protest sharply declined. This dating negates high points of struggle by peoples of color (such as the Native American armed occupation of Wounded Knee in 1973) and by the women's movement, which reached its heights after 1970. By their dating of the era, our authors impose an overwhelmingly white male definition on it.

* From those two books, and others that examine student activism at length, you would never know that during a single week of 1968 at least 10,000 Chicano high school students in Los Angeles walked out of school to protest racist policies. You would never know there was a &quot;Yellow Identity Movement&quot; of Chinese and other Asian students at universities in California and New York City. You will learn nothing of the potent Third World student strikes of 1968-69 in San Francisco. Gitlin's book does not even mention any movement of color except the Black civil rights movement until page 433. There he speaks of &quot;an amalgam of reform efforts, especially for civil rights (ultimately for Hispanics, Native Americans, and other minorities as well as blacks).&quot; Six words, and in parentheses at that, for the thousands of Asian, Latino and Native American people who lived and sometimes died for liberation and social justice in those years.

* In two books about the cultural flowering of the 1960s, the many volumes of Chicano poetry, short stories, songs, and skits go unmentioned. In two books on the underground press, Robert Glessing's The Underground Press in America and Abe Peck's Uncovering the Sixties, you will find no mention of Chicano movement newspapers in the first (except for two listings in its appendix) and two references in the second. Yet there was a Chicano Press Association comprising 60 newspapers and magazines in those years.

* We should also recall the exclusively Black-white model of race relations, which makes all other peoples invisible. It is not surprising that two dozen white writers who have been conditioned to see the struggles of Asian/Pacific Island Americans, Latinos and Native Americans as minor would write their books accordingly.

* It does not help that former Latino activists themselves have written so little. At least four leaders of white student protest (Richard Flacks, Todd Gitlin, Tom Hayden and Paul Potter) have published books of history and analysis about the 1960s. Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, activists from SNCC, the Black Panther Party and other Black groups have done so. But relatively few such works have come from Chicanos/as thus far. More movement participants at all levels should move to shine some light on our histories of activism.

* In actuality, the 1960s was an era of interconnection across lines of sex and race, time and space. But with rare exceptions, these authors are guilty of fragmenting the movement.

* White radicals of the 1960s-many of them called &quot;the New Left&quot;-learned tactics from African Americans, who had learned some of theirs from Asians (Gandhi) and who also adopted tactics from white workers of an earlier era. Native Americans took tactics from Blacks. Asian-American youths were inspired by young Puerto Rican activists. Chicano organizations copied from the Black Panther Party, as in their breakfast program. Yet the &quot;New Left&quot; is usually staked out with Eurocentric boundaries in our books on the 1960s. Even many people of color define the New Left as white, and would deny that their activism had anything to do with a new, old or any other kind of Left. The New Left was indeed born primarily white. But its vision of a society in which the exploited and oppressed become an empowered collectivity did inspire people across racial and national lines. That vision generated an international political culture that stirred youth from Paris to Mexico to Tokyo and lives on today. Who cannot be reminded of that New Left ideal, &quot;participatory democracy&quot; (a phrase used by Students for a Democratic Society), when hearing of how 3,000 Chinese students voted on every major decision in Tiananmen Square in May 1989?

* Perhaps the obvious needs to be repeated: what frightens U.S. ruling-class circles is the linking of issues, strategies and, above all, people in struggle. What frightens them most is the prospect of grassroots alliances across national or racial lines. Progressives have no business falling prey to the dominant society's common view that the problem of racism is minorities feeling dissatisfied, rather than a lethal poison in the spirit and the body of our entire society. The cure is a whole new world that only a sense of our global linkage, of interdependence, can breathe into life.

* César Chávez (pronounced &quot;CHA-vez&quot;) died long after the height of the farmworker cause, like the entire Chicano movement, had been forced to spend much energy defending its small gains of the 1960s.

* The march reminded us that at one time 17 million Americans boycotted grapes not picked by unionized farmworkers.

* As we marched on April 29 through flat, dusty farmland and past almond orchards, we were walking with Chávez' strengths. We walked with someone who fought for 40 years to gain labor rights and human rights for the most disenfranchised and impoverished workers in the United States. Under his leadership, they ceased to be faceless immigrants whom the dominant society dismissed as subhuman, disposable. Never again would the public be so unaware of farmworker poverty and exploitation.

* To build unity requires recognizing the central role of young activists. They are vigorously fighting the attack on this century's Reconstruction. Their anger at today's ugly society often translates into a passionate drive for unity across color lines.

* We need to see how dance, music, theater, art, poetry, are major arenas for alliance-building, especially among youth. Culture can usher in new visions

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Elizabeth Martínez}}
[https://snccdigital.org/people/elizabeth-betita-martinez-sutherland/ SNCC Digital: Elizabeth (Betita Martinez) Sutherland]

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      <text bytes="29257" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Elizabeth Martínez|Elizabeth Martínez]]''' (December 12, 1925 - June 29, 2021) was an Chicana feminist and a community organizer, activist, author, and educator. 

== Quotes ==

* … I had my own personal experiences with prejudice. I was the only child of color in primary school, junior high and high school. I went through all those years feeling like a freak in one all-white school after the other. The family next door wouldn't let their daughter play with me because I was Mexican. I got on a bus once in D.C. with my father, who was very dark, and they told us to go to the back of the bus, where black people had to sit in those years. All this created in me a feeling of empathy and solidarity with people of color and formed the roots of my commitment to fighting for social justice and against racism.
** On becoming a political activist in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* … I don't use &quot;Hispanic&quot; because it is Eurocentric and denies the fact that the people being labeled are not just of Spanish origin. Nor do they all speak Spanish. &quot;Hispanic&quot; denies our indigenous or Indian roots. It also denies our African roots, from the thousands of slaves that were brought to Latin America. &quot;Hispanics&quot; are a unique people made up of at least three different populations. For many of us the term &quot;Latino/Latina&quot; is better than &quot;Hispanic.&quot; It has a connection with Latin America, not with Spain. But &quot;Latino&quot; is by no means ideal because it has a European connotation, also. The term comes from &quot;Latin,&quot; which was, of course, a European language.
** On what she prefers to be called ethnically in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* Thinking about racism in terms of just black and white is a further &quot;invisibilization.&quot; We have to recognize the commonality of experience of racism among people of color. Sometimes racism is based on skin color or other physical features; it can have added components of culture, language and legal status -- as in the case of people of Mexican descent.…
** On racism in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* …it’s just another front in the battle against racism. And that’s what it was, because New Mexico was much more colonial than any other area, but it was all the same damn racism. And so I never felt like I was breaking any life pattern; I was just shifting to another front.…
** On how she joined the Chicano Movement in [https://www.smith.edu/libraries/libs/ssc/vof/transcripts/MartinezBetita.pdf “ELIZABETH (BETITA) MARTINEZ”] (Voices of Feminism Oral History Project; 2006)

* ''[Sin ese libro], tú no podrías escuchar nada sobre nuestra tradición de resistencia femenina a la opresión, que se remonta a la mujer nativa que tomó los techos de las casas en lo que luego se convertiría en México e &quot;hizo llover dardos y piedras&quot; sobre los invasores españoles. O a la mujer que, en Oaxaca, demandó a su esposo por abuso y logró que su caso llegara a la corte en 1630. O a las mujeres Maya que encerró al cura español en su iglesia por no aceptar que se enterraran a las víctimas mayas de una epidemia de tifus en tierras de la iglesia. O a las masivas &quot;Revueltas del Maíz&quot; de 1962 realizadas por mujeres que se rehusaban a morir de hambre.''
[Without a book like this] you would not hear about our tradition of female resistance to oppression, going back to Aztec women who took to the rooftops in what later became Mexico City and ‘rained down darts and stones’ on the invading Spainiards. Or the woman who filed suit in Oaxaca against her husband for abuse and had her case heard in court-in 1630! Or the Maya women who lackeed up the local Spanish priest in his church for not having Maya victims of a typhus epidemic buried in church ground. And the massive ‘Corn Riots’ of 1692 by women who refused to starve.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Pídele a casi cualquier chicana o chicano fuera de la academia que nombre a una mujer famosa de origen mexicano y probablemente vas a escuchar &quot;Dolores Huerta&quot;. Si la persona conoce a nuestras escritoras contemporáneas, quizá mencione a &quot;Sandra Cisneros&quot; o &quot;Ana Castillo&quot;. Si preguntas por un nombre de los primeros tiempos, te podrán decir Sor Juana, la monja rebelde de los mil seiscientos. Cuando trates de profundizar, la persona a tu lado tal vez va a decir, &quot;iMe doy por vencido!, pero, bueno... ahí está la Virgen de Guadalupe, que creo, está en muchísimas camisetas. Era inevitable entonces, que la necesidad de un libro como este sea finalmente reconocida.''
Ask almost anyone outside of academia to name famous US women of Mexican origin and you will probably hear ‘Dolores Huerta.’ If the person knows our contemporary writers, maybe ‘Sandra Cisneros’ and ‘Ana Castillo.’ If you ask for a name from earlier times, you might get ‘Sor Juana’-the rebel nun of the 1600’s. When you try to dig deeper, your companion may whimper, ‘I give up! Well…there’s the Virgin of Guadalupe, she’s on a lot of T-shirts. It was inevitable, then, that the need for a book like this would be recognized.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Cuando el movimiento chicano empezó, vimos en Nuevo México, a las Chicana y a otras, trabajando para recuperar las tierras perdidas con la guerra de 1846-48 contra Estados Unidos, miles salieron de las escuelas secundarias para protestar contra el racismo, y muchas se pusieron Boinas Marrones para defender sus comunidades. Nosotros nos unimos a la United Farm Workers como campesinas y apoyamos el boicoteo. Nosotros marchamos en contra de la Guerra de Vietnam el 29 de Agosto de 1970, solo para ser perseguidos, acosadas y maltratadas con los gases lacrimógenos de la policía que incluso mató a tres chicanos ese día.''
When the Chicano movement began, we saw Chicanas and others in New Mexico working to get back land lost with the 1846-48 US war, thousands walking out of high schools to protest the racism, and many putting on Brown Berets to defend their communities. We joined the United Farm Workers as campesinas and boycott supporters. Thousands of us marched against the Vietnam war on August 29, 1970, only to be chased and struck down by tear-gassing police who also killed three Chicanos that day
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* The problem of locating photos often confirms the indifference to women’s presence in history, as reflected in the media, books, historical records, museums, university libraries.
''El problema de localizar fotografías confirma la indiferencia ante la presencia de las mujeres en la historia, cosa que se refleja constantemente en los medios, libros, archivos históricos, museos y bibliotecas universitarias.''
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

== De Colores Means All of Us: Latina Views for a Multi-Colored Century (2017) ==

* The oppression and exploitation of Latinos (like Asians) have historical roots unknown to most Americans. People who learn at least a little about Black slavery remain totally ignorant about how the United States seized half of Mexico or how it has colonized Puerto Rico.

* It seems nostalgia runs rampant among many Euro-Americans: a nostalgia for the days of unchallenged White Supremacy-both moral and material-when life was 'simple.'

* The collective memory of every Latino people includes direct or indirect (neo-)colonialism, primarily by Spain or Portugal and later by the United States. Among Latinos, Mexicans in what we now call the Southwest have experienced US colonialism the longest and most directly, with Puerto Ricans not far behind

* The real concern of anti-diversity warriors is not with the introduction of politics but with the wrong kind of politics. They want literature to serve a very political function indeed: to sustain, not criticize, the status quo.

* The war on multiculturalism can also confuse liberals because, unlike conservatives, they usually do not perceive or accept the connection between racism and domination. They fail to see that racism has never been just a matter of negative attitudes but rather an institutionalized set of power relations.

* When I worked for the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee [[w: Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee|SNCC]] from 1961 to 1968, first as a volunteer and then as full-time staff, it seemed perfectly natural. If a person wanted to spend her life tearing down the prison called White Supremacy, what better place to go than the Black movement? And proudly, too. It took a few years to wonder, how does a person who isn't white-but not Black either-fit into the color scheme of this color-obsessed society? After a while, some unexplored Mexican spirit inside, and the changing times outside, drew me to the Southwest, where I had never been. It had its own prison of White Supremacy. But the two prisons were really one, and the fight was really one, and a perfectly natural voice said: Let us tear down all prisons together. Amen.

* Manifest Destiny saw Yankee conquest as the inevitable result of a confrontation between enterprise and progress (white) versus passivity and backwardness (Indian, Mexican).

* Linking the national identity with race is not unique to the United States. National identity always requires an &quot;other&quot; to define it. But this country has linked its identity with race to an extraordinary degree, matched only by two other settler states: South Africa and Israel.

* The concept of Manifest Destiny, with its assertion of racial superiority sustained by military power, has defined U.S. identity for 150 years. Only the Vietnam War brought a serious challenge to that concept of almightiness. Bitter debate, moral anguish, images of My Lai and the prospect of military defeat for the first time in U.S. history all suggested that the long-standing marriage of virtue and violence might soon be on the rocks.

* A new origin narrative and national identity could help pave the way to a more livable society for us all. A society based on cooperation rather than competition, on the idea that all living creatures are interdependent and that humanity's goal should be balance. Such were the values of many original Americans, deemed &quot;savages.&quot; Similar gifts are waiting from other despised peoples and traditions. We might well start by recognizing that &quot;America&quot; is the name of an entire hemisphere, rich in a stunning variety of histories, cultures and peoples-not just one country.

* The origin myth's omissions are grotesque. It ignores three major pillars of our nationhood: genocide, enslavement and imperialist expansion. The massive extermination of indigenous peoples provided our land base; the enslavement of African labor made our economic growth possible; and the seizure of half of Mexico by war (or threat of renewed war) extended this nation's boundaries north to the Pacific and south to the Rio Grande. Such are the foundation stones of the United States, within an economic system that made this country the first in world history to be born capitalist.

* The anti-diversity war rages not only in academia but in the whole society. Like the anti-affirmative action campaign, it is profoundly racist and sexist. Both represent much more than a backlash: they are tactics for solidifying a rightist ideology to sustain the Right's political hegemony, to guarantee that a racist, sexist and capitalist agenda holds the center of U.S. political culture. This in turn calls for demonizing progressive ideas and people that might impede right-wing domination over ideological space. It calls for blocking the study of U.S. history as a history of racism, sexism and imperialism at work. The U.S. political culture must be kept ahistorical, even anti-historical. The war on multiculturalism parallels the way in which reactionaries sought to use the Gulf War to regenerate patriotism and thereby annul the Vietnam War syndrome with its national self-doubt.

* A term originally created by leftists in humorous self-mockery, &quot;PC&quot; is now used to evoke Stalinist demands for conformity. Thus PC-baiting has become a post-Cold War substitute for anti-communism, and a dangerously reactionary political expression.

* The answer to hate words is not speech codes but strong protest and educational efforts when we hear them. Don't ban bigoted language, but let those who use it know what to expect-severe public criticism, spontaneous demonstrations and why. This may be the liberal American Civil Liberties Union position; so be it, for history shows that limits on one person's freedom of speech make it a non-freedom for others. In failing to take this stand, progressives and leftists also aid the PC-baiters by giving them the moral high ground of being &quot;anti-censorship.&quot;

* One of the most serious obstacles to genuine diversification is that on most campuses the faculty remains lily-white and male

* But the ferocious attempt to block any non-Eurocentric, non-traditional educational effort has shown the need to expose the attack on multiculturalism, while insisting that it be defined as anti-racism. Interpreted that way, and not simply as additive, it is truly subversive, for it defies the centrality of a Euro-dominated nationhood. Let us define multiculturalism, then, as a united front against White Supremacy. Anglo teachers, students and activists should recognize that today's reactionary opposition to a genuine multiculturalism signifies a chilling repression of independent thinking in general. It signifies a readiness to curb any systemic critique of U.S. society. Yet even those apparently concerned about social justice seem indifferent to such threats as compared to the perceived threat of diminished race-power. One wants to holler: &quot;Yo, gringitos-wake up! They'll be coming for you in the morning, if you don't stand with the rest of us tonight.&quot;

* They are living examples of Xicanisma (&quot;Chicanisma&quot;), a Chicana womanism that bridges anti-racist and anti-sexist struggle. Xicanisma allows us to begin imagining a liberation without boundaries or hierarchies. It encourages Raza to confront our contradictions as a people more openly than we did in the past. Too often incidents of sexism or homophobia remain chisme, &quot;gossip&quot;; too often social crimes are reduced to private griping; too often we are intimidated out of criticism. Let us confront the contradictions con valor, courageously, and remember that feminism is no alien creature but a deep-rooted tradition for Latinas. Let the moon rise on a new century for new women. The opposition mounts new attacks to halt our liberation, but it's not a time for despair-just a time for sharp eyes a and open minds.

* The voices of the grassroots, of people like [[w:Fannie Lou Hamer|Fannie Lou Hamer]], must always be heard if we are to understand the past and move effectively toward the future

* Another sign of positive change: one young African-American woman, daughter of two SNCC veterans, announced without hesitation: &quot;I'm a lesbian. That doesn't mean I'm not a Black woman.&quot; Rejecting the frequent demand for a single identity, she explained, &quot;I want to deal with sexism and homophobia, not just racism.&quot; Perhaps a quarter or a third of the room clapped for her comments, but it is impossible to imagine any such openness 30 years ago. We can also be cheered by the fact that [[w:John Lewis|Rep. John Lewis]], from Georgia, former SNCC chair, spoke against homophobia strongly and unasked.

* The Civil Rights Movement was not an event; it is a process and it goes on. Process says one should learn the language of youth, respect them without glorifying them, take a long look at what we could have done better and pass the lessons along.

* the contradiction of encountering male-supremacist practices within a movement supposedly fighting for social justice spurred many Chicanas to new consciousness.

* The most striking change during the past 20 years can be seen in attitudes toward homophobia. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, an almost total silence hung over gay and lesbian advocacy. No openly gay person could be a movement leader. Today homophobia persists; most progressive, straight Chicanos as well as Chicanas still fail to see gay and lesbian rights as another struggle of other oppressed people. Too many still fail to see homophobia as a sometimes murderous force of discrimination. But the situation has improved, especially in some major cities, in academia and among youth.

* The articulation of concerns common to almost all women, such as health, child care, domestic violence, rape and reproductive rights, is much more frequent than it was two decades ago.

* Looking over the past two decades, we see close ties between gender-related attitudes and political ideology. A law seems to exist that sexism and heterosexism almost always travel alongside reactionary types of nationalism.

* In the provocation and shaping of that consciousness, Chicana artists and writers have had great influence. We would not be as far along as we are today without the heretical work of painters Yolanda López and Ester Hernández, whose militant transformations of the Virgin of Guadalupe offer a liberation never before available. We would not be this far along without painter Juana Alicia's images of Latina women as strong survivors. We would not be this far along without some biting poems from Sandra Cisneros, the multifaceted work of feminist writer Ana Castillo, the beautifully bold writing of lesbian authors [[w:Cherríe Moraga|Cherríe Moraga]] and [[w:Gloria E. Anzaldúa|Gloria Anzaldúa]] mentioned above. Not to mention the performance art of lesbian comedians like Marga Gómez and Monica Palacios. So many more names could be set down; all have nurtured the feminist impulse of young Chicanas, especially those in their upper teens and early twenties.

* Plagued by Western habits of either-or, dualistic thinking, we all may fail to understand that race, class and gender interconnect to sustain a corporate ruling class. In the language of African-American essayist bell hooks, they are interlocking systems of oppression. Neither Latina nor Anglo women should yield to the temptation of making a hierarchy of oppressions where battles are fought over whether racism is &quot;worse&quot; than sexism, or class oppression is &quot;deeper&quot; than racism, etc. Instead of hierarchies we need bridges.

* In the early 1900s, while colonization continued, the original Mexican population of the Southwest was greatly increased by an immigration the continues today. This combination of centuries-old roots and relatively new ones gives the Mexican-American people a rich and varied cultural heritage.

* an obsession with self-definition can become a trap if that is all we think about, all we debate. If liberation terminology becomes an end in itself and our only end, it ceases to be a tool of liberation. Terms can be useful, even vital tools, but the house of La Raza that is waiting to be built needs many kinds.

* Many young Raza activists today are adopting a vision that embraces the strengths of nationalism while shunning its divisiveness. They call it &quot;native spirituality,&quot; or &quot;the natural way,&quot; or &quot;indigenismo,&quot; and see it as that revolutionary worldview we urgently need.

* indigenismo can subvert the colonized mentality found among mestizo peoples that elevates the European and denigrates the Indian. For Chicano/a youth, discovering they have roots in indigenous, often advanced, pre-Columbian cultures can help develop a sense of potential empowerment. &quot;My ancestors invented rubber? Wow!&quot; exclaimed one incredulous Los Angeles gang member to a youth counselor telling him about ancient Mexico and the Olmecas (who didn't exactly invent rubber, since Nature was the inventor, but who surely did develop it). Such discoveries can be a first step toward understanding and respecting the worldview of indigenous peoples.

* Sometimes we also find a tendency to view everything that's indigenous as good and anything &quot;European&quot;-such as Spain-as evil. That view overlooks such historical realities as the Aztec empire's oppressive domination of other indigenous societies and its class system, which privileged priests and the military. That view also forgets Spain was not a typically European nation after 600 years of rule by the Moors, an Arab/Berber people from Africa.

* it's vital to avoid a longtime error of leftist politics, starting with Marxism: failure to understand the powerful role in human society of subjective forces such as spirituality. That failure has opened the door wide to right-wing manipulation of spiritual hunger. That failure undermines the possibility of mobilizing masses of Latinos/as for whom faith has been an affirmation of heart in a heartless world. The bottom line in any organizing for social justice needs to be respect for others' needs, including spiritual needs.

* We can look to Mexico, where a vision for social change has been powerfully affirmed by the Maya people of Chiapas. They named their vision &quot;Zapatismo,&quot; in memory of Mexican revolutionary Emiliano Zapata, and startled the world with an armed uprising on January 1, 1994. That day, and ever since, the Zapatistas have posed the basic problem: how to establish both identity and democracy? How to achieve a new life of dignity for indigenous people while also creating a Mexico of justice for everyone? Always the Zapatistas have said they do not want one without the other. At a 1996 meeting of Chicanas/os with some of the Zapatista leadership, Comandante Tacho began his presentation by saying: &quot;We don't want power. What we want is decent homes, enough to eat, health care for our children, schools.&quot; At first I thought to myself: how can you gain those things without power? Then I realized that by power he meant domination. The Zapatista vision does not find the answer to injustice in the replacement of one domination by another, but in a vast change of the political culture from the bottom up that will create a revolutionary democracy.

* The era called the sixties can be said to run from 1955 (the Montgomery bus boycott) to 1975 (when the mass movements had died down and most activists were moving on to new forms of struggle or non-political priorities). But many of the authors of those two dozen books end the era in 1970, not because the decade formally ended then but largely because that was when male-led, white student protest sharply declined. This dating negates high points of struggle by peoples of color (such as the Native American armed occupation of Wounded Knee in 1973) and by the women's movement, which reached its heights after 1970. By their dating of the era, our authors impose an overwhelmingly white male definition on it.

* From those two books, and others that examine student activism at length, you would never know that during a single week of 1968 at least 10,000 Chicano high school students in Los Angeles walked out of school to protest racist policies. You would never know there was a &quot;Yellow Identity Movement&quot; of Chinese and other Asian students at universities in California and New York City. You will learn nothing of the potent Third World student strikes of 1968-69 in San Francisco. Gitlin's book does not even mention any movement of color except the Black civil rights movement until page 433. There he speaks of &quot;an amalgam of reform efforts, especially for civil rights (ultimately for Hispanics, Native Americans, and other minorities as well as blacks).&quot; Six words, and in parentheses at that, for the thousands of Asian, Latino and Native American people who lived and sometimes died for liberation and social justice in those years.

* In two books about the cultural flowering of the 1960s, the many volumes of Chicano poetry, short stories, songs, and skits go unmentioned. In two books on the underground press, Robert Glessing's The Underground Press in America and Abe Peck's Uncovering the Sixties, you will find no mention of Chicano movement newspapers in the first (except for two listings in its appendix) and two references in the second. Yet there was a Chicano Press Association comprising 60 newspapers and magazines in those years.

* We should also recall the exclusively Black-white model of race relations, which makes all other peoples invisible. It is not surprising that two dozen white writers who have been conditioned to see the struggles of Asian/Pacific Island Americans, Latinos and Native Americans as minor would write their books accordingly.

* It does not help that former Latino activists themselves have written so little. At least four leaders of white student protest (Richard Flacks, Todd Gitlin, Tom Hayden and Paul Potter) have published books of history and analysis about the 1960s. Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, activists from SNCC, the Black Panther Party and other Black groups have done so. But relatively few such works have come from Chicanos/as thus far. More movement participants at all levels should move to shine some light on our histories of activism.

* In actuality, the 1960s was an era of interconnection across lines of sex and race, time and space. But with rare exceptions, these authors are guilty of fragmenting the movement.

* White radicals of the 1960s-many of them called &quot;the New Left&quot;-learned tactics from African Americans, who had learned some of theirs from Asians (Gandhi) and who also adopted tactics from white workers of an earlier era. Native Americans took tactics from Blacks. Asian-American youths were inspired by young Puerto Rican activists. Chicano organizations copied from the Black Panther Party, as in their breakfast program. Yet the &quot;New Left&quot; is usually staked out with Eurocentric boundaries in our books on the 1960s. Even many people of color define the New Left as white, and would deny that their activism had anything to do with a new, old or any other kind of Left. The New Left was indeed born primarily white. But its vision of a society in which the exploited and oppressed become an empowered collectivity did inspire people across racial and national lines. That vision generated an international political culture that stirred youth from Paris to Mexico to Tokyo and lives on today. Who cannot be reminded of that New Left ideal, &quot;participatory democracy&quot; (a phrase used by Students for a Democratic Society), when hearing of how 3,000 Chinese students voted on every major decision in Tiananmen Square in May 1989?

* Perhaps the obvious needs to be repeated: what frightens U.S. ruling-class circles is the linking of issues, strategies and, above all, people in struggle. What frightens them most is the prospect of grassroots alliances across national or racial lines. Progressives have no business falling prey to the dominant society's common view that the problem of racism is minorities feeling dissatisfied, rather than a lethal poison in the spirit and the body of our entire society. The cure is a whole new world that only a sense of our global linkage, of interdependence, can breathe into life.

* César Chávez (pronounced &quot;CHA-vez&quot;) died long after the height of the farmworker cause, like the entire Chicano movement, had been forced to spend much energy defending its small gains of the 1960s.

* The march reminded us that at one time 17 million Americans boycotted grapes not picked by unionized farmworkers.

* As we marched on April 29 through flat, dusty farmland and past almond orchards, we were walking with Chávez' strengths. We walked with someone who fought for 40 years to gain labor rights and human rights for the most disenfranchised and impoverished workers in the United States. Under his leadership, they ceased to be faceless immigrants whom the dominant society dismissed as subhuman, disposable. Never again would the public be so unaware of farmworker poverty and exploitation.

* To build unity requires recognizing the central role of young activists. They are vigorously fighting the attack on this century's Reconstruction. Their anger at today's ugly society often translates into a passionate drive for unity across color lines.

* We need to see how dance, music, theater, art, poetry, are major arenas for alliance-building, especially among youth. Culture can usher in new visions

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Elizabeth Martínez}}
[https://snccdigital.org/people/elizabeth-betita-martinez-sutherland/ SNCC Digital: Elizabeth (Betita Martinez) Sutherland]

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      <text bytes="34640" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Elizabeth Martínez|Elizabeth Martínez]]''' (December 12, 1925 - June 29, 2021) was an Chicana feminist and a community organizer, activist, author, and educator. 

== Quotes ==

* … I had my own personal experiences with prejudice. I was the only child of color in primary school, junior high and high school. I went through all those years feeling like a freak in one all-white school after the other. The family next door wouldn't let their daughter play with me because I was Mexican. I got on a bus once in D.C. with my father, who was very dark, and they told us to go to the back of the bus, where black people had to sit in those years. All this created in me a feeling of empathy and solidarity with people of color and formed the roots of my commitment to fighting for social justice and against racism.
** On becoming a political activist in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* … I don't use &quot;Hispanic&quot; because it is Eurocentric and denies the fact that the people being labeled are not just of Spanish origin. Nor do they all speak Spanish. &quot;Hispanic&quot; denies our indigenous or Indian roots. It also denies our African roots, from the thousands of slaves that were brought to Latin America. &quot;Hispanics&quot; are a unique people made up of at least three different populations. For many of us the term &quot;Latino/Latina&quot; is better than &quot;Hispanic.&quot; It has a connection with Latin America, not with Spain. But &quot;Latino&quot; is by no means ideal because it has a European connotation, also. The term comes from &quot;Latin,&quot; which was, of course, a European language.
** On what she prefers to be called ethnically in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* Thinking about racism in terms of just black and white is a further &quot;invisibilization.&quot; We have to recognize the commonality of experience of racism among people of color. Sometimes racism is based on skin color or other physical features; it can have added components of culture, language and legal status -- as in the case of people of Mexican descent.…
** On racism in [https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-1997/unite-and-overcome &quot;Unite and Overcome!&quot;] in Teaching Tolerance (Spring 1997)

* …it’s just another front in the battle against racism. And that’s what it was, because New Mexico was much more colonial than any other area, but it was all the same damn racism. And so I never felt like I was breaking any life pattern; I was just shifting to another front.…
** On how she joined the Chicano Movement in [https://www.smith.edu/libraries/libs/ssc/vof/transcripts/MartinezBetita.pdf “ELIZABETH (BETITA) MARTINEZ”] (Voices of Feminism Oral History Project; 2006)

* ''[Sin ese libro], tú no podrías escuchar nada sobre nuestra tradición de resistencia femenina a la opresión, que se remonta a la mujer nativa que tomó los techos de las casas en lo que luego se convertiría en México e &quot;hizo llover dardos y piedras&quot; sobre los invasores españoles. O a la mujer que, en Oaxaca, demandó a su esposo por abuso y logró que su caso llegara a la corte en 1630. O a las mujeres Maya que encerró al cura español en su iglesia por no aceptar que se enterraran a las víctimas mayas de una epidemia de tifus en tierras de la iglesia. O a las masivas &quot;Revueltas del Maíz&quot; de 1962 realizadas por mujeres que se rehusaban a morir de hambre.''
[Without a book like this] you would not hear about our tradition of female resistance to oppression, going back to Aztec women who took to the rooftops in what later became Mexico City and ‘rained down darts and stones’ on the invading Spainiards. Or the woman who filed suit in Oaxaca against her husband for abuse and had her case heard in court-in 1630! Or the Maya women who lackeed up the local Spanish priest in his church for not having Maya victims of a typhus epidemic buried in church ground. And the massive ‘Corn Riots’ of 1692 by women who refused to starve.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Pídele a casi cualquier chicana o chicano fuera de la academia que nombre a una mujer famosa de origen mexicano y probablemente vas a escuchar &quot;Dolores Huerta&quot;. Si la persona conoce a nuestras escritoras contemporáneas, quizá mencione a &quot;Sandra Cisneros&quot; o &quot;Ana Castillo&quot;. Si preguntas por un nombre de los primeros tiempos, te podrán decir Sor Juana, la monja rebelde de los mil seiscientos. Cuando trates de profundizar, la persona a tu lado tal vez va a decir, &quot;iMe doy por vencido!, pero, bueno... ahí está la Virgen de Guadalupe, que creo, está en muchísimas camisetas. Era inevitable entonces, que la necesidad de un libro como este sea finalmente reconocida.''
Ask almost anyone outside of academia to name famous US women of Mexican origin and you will probably hear ‘Dolores Huerta.’ If the person knows our contemporary writers, maybe ‘Sandra Cisneros’ and ‘Ana Castillo.’ If you ask for a name from earlier times, you might get ‘Sor Juana’-the rebel nun of the 1600’s. When you try to dig deeper, your companion may whimper, ‘I give up! Well…there’s the Virgin of Guadalupe, she’s on a lot of T-shirts. It was inevitable, then, that the need for a book like this would be recognized.
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* ''Cuando el movimiento chicano empezó, vimos en Nuevo México, a las Chicana y a otras, trabajando para recuperar las tierras perdidas con la guerra de 1846-48 contra Estados Unidos, miles salieron de las escuelas secundarias para protestar contra el racismo, y muchas se pusieron Boinas Marrones para defender sus comunidades. Nosotros nos unimos a la United Farm Workers como campesinas y apoyamos el boicoteo. Nosotros marchamos en contra de la Guerra de Vietnam el 29 de Agosto de 1970, solo para ser perseguidos, acosadas y maltratadas con los gases lacrimógenos de la policía que incluso mató a tres chicanos ese día.''
When the Chicano movement began, we saw Chicanas and others in New Mexico working to get back land lost with the 1846-48 US war, thousands walking out of high schools to protest the racism, and many putting on Brown Berets to defend their communities. We joined the United Farm Workers as campesinas and boycott supporters. Thousands of us marched against the Vietnam war on August 29, 1970, only to be chased and struck down by tear-gassing police who also killed three Chicanos that day
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

* The problem of locating photos often confirms the indifference to women’s presence in history, as reflected in the media, books, historical records, museums, university libraries.
''El problema de localizar fotografías confirma la indiferencia ante la presencia de las mujeres en la historia, cosa que se refleja constantemente en los medios, libros, archivos históricos, museos y bibliotecas universitarias.''
** (500 Years of Chicana Women's History/500 Años de la Mujer Chicana, 2008)

== De Colores Means All of Us: Latina Views for a Multi-Colored Century (2017) ==

* The oppression and exploitation of Latinos (like Asians) have historical roots unknown to most Americans. People who learn at least a little about Black slavery remain totally ignorant about how the United States seized half of Mexico or how it has colonized Puerto Rico.

* It seems nostalgia runs rampant among many Euro-Americans: a nostalgia for the days of unchallenged White Supremacy-both moral and material-when life was 'simple.'

* The collective memory of every Latino people includes direct or indirect (neo-)colonialism, primarily by Spain or Portugal and later by the United States. Among Latinos, Mexicans in what we now call the Southwest have experienced US colonialism the longest and most directly, with Puerto Ricans not far behind

* The real concern of anti-diversity warriors is not with the introduction of politics but with the wrong kind of politics. They want literature to serve a very political function indeed: to sustain, not criticize, the status quo.

* The war on multiculturalism can also confuse liberals because, unlike conservatives, they usually do not perceive or accept the connection between racism and domination. They fail to see that racism has never been just a matter of negative attitudes but rather an institutionalized set of power relations.

* When I worked for the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee [[w: Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee|SNCC]] from 1961 to 1968, first as a volunteer and then as full-time staff, it seemed perfectly natural. If a person wanted to spend her life tearing down the prison called White Supremacy, what better place to go than the Black movement? And proudly, too. It took a few years to wonder, how does a person who isn't white-but not Black either-fit into the color scheme of this color-obsessed society? After a while, some unexplored Mexican spirit inside, and the changing times outside, drew me to the Southwest, where I had never been. It had its own prison of White Supremacy. But the two prisons were really one, and the fight was really one, and a perfectly natural voice said: Let us tear down all prisons together. Amen.

* Manifest Destiny saw Yankee conquest as the inevitable result of a confrontation between enterprise and progress (white) versus passivity and backwardness (Indian, Mexican).

* Linking the national identity with race is not unique to the United States. National identity always requires an &quot;other&quot; to define it. But this country has linked its identity with race to an extraordinary degree, matched only by two other settler states: South Africa and Israel.

* The concept of Manifest Destiny, with its assertion of racial superiority sustained by military power, has defined U.S. identity for 150 years. Only the Vietnam War brought a serious challenge to that concept of almightiness. Bitter debate, moral anguish, images of My Lai and the prospect of military defeat for the first time in U.S. history all suggested that the long-standing marriage of virtue and violence might soon be on the rocks.

* A new origin narrative and national identity could help pave the way to a more livable society for us all. A society based on cooperation rather than competition, on the idea that all living creatures are interdependent and that humanity's goal should be balance. Such were the values of many original Americans, deemed &quot;savages.&quot; Similar gifts are waiting from other despised peoples and traditions. We might well start by recognizing that &quot;America&quot; is the name of an entire hemisphere, rich in a stunning variety of histories, cultures and peoples-not just one country.

* The origin myth's omissions are grotesque. It ignores three major pillars of our nationhood: genocide, enslavement and imperialist expansion. The massive extermination of indigenous peoples provided our land base; the enslavement of African labor made our economic growth possible; and the seizure of half of Mexico by war (or threat of renewed war) extended this nation's boundaries north to the Pacific and south to the Rio Grande. Such are the foundation stones of the United States, within an economic system that made this country the first in world history to be born capitalist.

* The anti-diversity war rages not only in academia but in the whole society. Like the anti-affirmative action campaign, it is profoundly racist and sexist. Both represent much more than a backlash: they are tactics for solidifying a rightist ideology to sustain the Right's political hegemony, to guarantee that a racist, sexist and capitalist agenda holds the center of U.S. political culture. This in turn calls for demonizing progressive ideas and people that might impede right-wing domination over ideological space. It calls for blocking the study of U.S. history as a history of racism, sexism and imperialism at work. The U.S. political culture must be kept ahistorical, even anti-historical. The war on multiculturalism parallels the way in which reactionaries sought to use the Gulf War to regenerate patriotism and thereby annul the Vietnam War syndrome with its national self-doubt.

* A term originally created by leftists in humorous self-mockery, &quot;PC&quot; is now used to evoke Stalinist demands for conformity. Thus PC-baiting has become a post-Cold War substitute for anti-communism, and a dangerously reactionary political expression.

* The answer to hate words is not speech codes but strong protest and educational efforts when we hear them. Don't ban bigoted language, but let those who use it know what to expect-severe public criticism, spontaneous demonstrations and why. This may be the liberal American Civil Liberties Union position; so be it, for history shows that limits on one person's freedom of speech make it a non-freedom for others. In failing to take this stand, progressives and leftists also aid the PC-baiters by giving them the moral high ground of being &quot;anti-censorship.&quot;

* One of the most serious obstacles to genuine diversification is that on most campuses the faculty remains lily-white and male

* But the ferocious attempt to block any non-Eurocentric, non-traditional educational effort has shown the need to expose the attack on multiculturalism, while insisting that it be defined as anti-racism. Interpreted that way, and not simply as additive, it is truly subversive, for it defies the centrality of a Euro-dominated nationhood. Let us define multiculturalism, then, as a united front against White Supremacy. Anglo teachers, students and activists should recognize that today's reactionary opposition to a genuine multiculturalism signifies a chilling repression of independent thinking in general. It signifies a readiness to curb any systemic critique of U.S. society. Yet even those apparently concerned about social justice seem indifferent to such threats as compared to the perceived threat of diminished race-power. One wants to holler: &quot;Yo, gringitos-wake up! They'll be coming for you in the morning, if you don't stand with the rest of us tonight.&quot;

* They are living examples of Xicanisma (&quot;Chicanisma&quot;), a Chicana womanism that bridges anti-racist and anti-sexist struggle. Xicanisma allows us to begin imagining a liberation without boundaries or hierarchies. It encourages Raza to confront our contradictions as a people more openly than we did in the past. Too often incidents of sexism or homophobia remain chisme, &quot;gossip&quot;; too often social crimes are reduced to private griping; too often we are intimidated out of criticism. Let us confront the contradictions con valor, courageously, and remember that feminism is no alien creature but a deep-rooted tradition for Latinas. Let the moon rise on a new century for new women. The opposition mounts new attacks to halt our liberation, but it's not a time for despair-just a time for sharp eyes a and open minds.

* The voices of the grassroots, of people like [[w:Fannie Lou Hamer|Fannie Lou Hamer]], must always be heard if we are to understand the past and move effectively toward the future

* Another sign of positive change: one young African-American woman, daughter of two SNCC veterans, announced without hesitation: &quot;I'm a lesbian. That doesn't mean I'm not a Black woman.&quot; Rejecting the frequent demand for a single identity, she explained, &quot;I want to deal with sexism and homophobia, not just racism.&quot; Perhaps a quarter or a third of the room clapped for her comments, but it is impossible to imagine any such openness 30 years ago. We can also be cheered by the fact that [[w:John Lewis|Rep. John Lewis]], from Georgia, former SNCC chair, spoke against homophobia strongly and unasked.

* The Civil Rights Movement was not an event; it is a process and it goes on. Process says one should learn the language of youth, respect them without glorifying them, take a long look at what we could have done better and pass the lessons along.

* the contradiction of encountering male-supremacist practices within a movement supposedly fighting for social justice spurred many Chicanas to new consciousness.

* The most striking change during the past 20 years can be seen in attitudes toward homophobia. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, an almost total silence hung over gay and lesbian advocacy. No openly gay person could be a movement leader. Today homophobia persists; most progressive, straight Chicanos as well as Chicanas still fail to see gay and lesbian rights as another struggle of other oppressed people. Too many still fail to see homophobia as a sometimes murderous force of discrimination. But the situation has improved, especially in some major cities, in academia and among youth.

* The articulation of concerns common to almost all women, such as health, child care, domestic violence, rape and reproductive rights, is much more frequent than it was two decades ago.

* Looking over the past two decades, we see close ties between gender-related attitudes and political ideology. A law seems to exist that sexism and heterosexism almost always travel alongside reactionary types of nationalism.

* In the provocation and shaping of that consciousness, Chicana artists and writers have had great influence. We would not be as far along as we are today without the heretical work of painters Yolanda López and Ester Hernández, whose militant transformations of the Virgin of Guadalupe offer a liberation never before available. We would not be this far along without painter Juana Alicia's images of Latina women as strong survivors. We would not be this far along without some biting poems from Sandra Cisneros, the multifaceted work of feminist writer Ana Castillo, the beautifully bold writing of lesbian authors [[w:Cherríe Moraga|Cherríe Moraga]] and [[w:Gloria E. Anzaldúa|Gloria Anzaldúa]] mentioned above. Not to mention the performance art of lesbian comedians like Marga Gómez and Monica Palacios. So many more names could be set down; all have nurtured the feminist impulse of young Chicanas, especially those in their upper teens and early twenties.

* Plagued by Western habits of either-or, dualistic thinking, we all may fail to understand that race, class and gender interconnect to sustain a corporate ruling class. In the language of African-American essayist bell hooks, they are interlocking systems of oppression. Neither Latina nor Anglo women should yield to the temptation of making a hierarchy of oppressions where battles are fought over whether racism is &quot;worse&quot; than sexism, or class oppression is &quot;deeper&quot; than racism, etc. Instead of hierarchies we need bridges.

* In the early 1900s, while colonization continued, the original Mexican population of the Southwest was greatly increased by an immigration the continues today. This combination of centuries-old roots and relatively new ones gives the Mexican-American people a rich and varied cultural heritage.

* an obsession with self-definition can become a trap if that is all we think about, all we debate. If liberation terminology becomes an end in itself and our only end, it ceases to be a tool of liberation. Terms can be useful, even vital tools, but the house of La Raza that is waiting to be built needs many kinds.

* Many young Raza activists today are adopting a vision that embraces the strengths of nationalism while shunning its divisiveness. They call it &quot;native spirituality,&quot; or &quot;the natural way,&quot; or &quot;indigenismo,&quot; and see it as that revolutionary worldview we urgently need.

* indigenismo can subvert the colonized mentality found among mestizo peoples that elevates the European and denigrates the Indian. For Chicano/a youth, discovering they have roots in indigenous, often advanced, pre-Columbian cultures can help develop a sense of potential empowerment. &quot;My ancestors invented rubber? Wow!&quot; exclaimed one incredulous Los Angeles gang member to a youth counselor telling him about ancient Mexico and the Olmecas (who didn't exactly invent rubber, since Nature was the inventor, but who surely did develop it). Such discoveries can be a first step toward understanding and respecting the worldview of indigenous peoples.

* Sometimes we also find a tendency to view everything that's indigenous as good and anything &quot;European&quot;-such as Spain-as evil. That view overlooks such historical realities as the Aztec empire's oppressive domination of other indigenous societies and its class system, which privileged priests and the military. That view also forgets Spain was not a typically European nation after 600 years of rule by the Moors, an Arab/Berber people from Africa.

* it's vital to avoid a longtime error of leftist politics, starting with Marxism: failure to understand the powerful role in human society of subjective forces such as spirituality. That failure has opened the door wide to right-wing manipulation of spiritual hunger. That failure undermines the possibility of mobilizing masses of Latinos/as for whom faith has been an affirmation of heart in a heartless world. The bottom line in any organizing for social justice needs to be respect for others' needs, including spiritual needs.

* We can look to Mexico, where a vision for social change has been powerfully affirmed by the Maya people of Chiapas. They named their vision &quot;Zapatismo,&quot; in memory of Mexican revolutionary Emiliano Zapata, and startled the world with an armed uprising on January 1, 1994. That day, and ever since, the Zapatistas have posed the basic problem: how to establish both identity and democracy? How to achieve a new life of dignity for indigenous people while also creating a Mexico of justice for everyone? Always the Zapatistas have said they do not want one without the other. At a 1996 meeting of Chicanas/os with some of the Zapatista leadership, Comandante Tacho began his presentation by saying: &quot;We don't want power. What we want is decent homes, enough to eat, health care for our children, schools.&quot; At first I thought to myself: how can you gain those things without power? Then I realized that by power he meant domination. The Zapatista vision does not find the answer to injustice in the replacement of one domination by another, but in a vast change of the political culture from the bottom up that will create a revolutionary democracy.

* The era called the sixties can be said to run from 1955 (the Montgomery bus boycott) to 1975 (when the mass movements had died down and most activists were moving on to new forms of struggle or non-political priorities). But many of the authors of those two dozen books end the era in 1970, not because the decade formally ended then but largely because that was when male-led, white student protest sharply declined. This dating negates high points of struggle by peoples of color (such as the Native American armed occupation of Wounded Knee in 1973) and by the women's movement, which reached its heights after 1970. By their dating of the era, our authors impose an overwhelmingly white male definition on it.

* From those two books, and others that examine student activism at length, you would never know that during a single week of 1968 at least 10,000 Chicano high school students in Los Angeles walked out of school to protest racist policies. You would never know there was a &quot;Yellow Identity Movement&quot; of Chinese and other Asian students at universities in California and New York City. You will learn nothing of the potent Third World student strikes of 1968-69 in San Francisco. Gitlin's book does not even mention any movement of color except the Black civil rights movement until page 433. There he speaks of &quot;an amalgam of reform efforts, especially for civil rights (ultimately for Hispanics, Native Americans, and other minorities as well as blacks).&quot; Six words, and in parentheses at that, for the thousands of Asian, Latino and Native American people who lived and sometimes died for liberation and social justice in those years.

* In two books about the cultural flowering of the 1960s, the many volumes of Chicano poetry, short stories, songs, and skits go unmentioned. In two books on the underground press, Robert Glessing's The Underground Press in America and Abe Peck's Uncovering the Sixties, you will find no mention of Chicano movement newspapers in the first (except for two listings in its appendix) and two references in the second. Yet there was a Chicano Press Association comprising 60 newspapers and magazines in those years.

* We should also recall the exclusively Black-white model of race relations, which makes all other peoples invisible. It is not surprising that two dozen white writers who have been conditioned to see the struggles of Asian/Pacific Island Americans, Latinos and Native Americans as minor would write their books accordingly.

* It does not help that former Latino activists themselves have written so little. At least four leaders of white student protest (Richard Flacks, Todd Gitlin, Tom Hayden and Paul Potter) have published books of history and analysis about the 1960s. Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, activists from SNCC, the Black Panther Party and other Black groups have done so. But relatively few such works have come from Chicanos/as thus far. More movement participants at all levels should move to shine some light on our histories of activism.

* In actuality, the 1960s was an era of interconnection across lines of sex and race, time and space. But with rare exceptions, these authors are guilty of fragmenting the movement.

* White radicals of the 1960s-many of them called &quot;the New Left&quot;-learned tactics from African Americans, who had learned some of theirs from Asians (Gandhi) and who also adopted tactics from white workers of an earlier era. Native Americans took tactics from Blacks. Asian-American youths were inspired by young Puerto Rican activists. Chicano organizations copied from the Black Panther Party, as in their breakfast program. Yet the &quot;New Left&quot; is usually staked out with Eurocentric boundaries in our books on the 1960s. Even many people of color define the New Left as white, and would deny that their activism had anything to do with a new, old or any other kind of Left. The New Left was indeed born primarily white. But its vision of a society in which the exploited and oppressed become an empowered collectivity did inspire people across racial and national lines. That vision generated an international political culture that stirred youth from Paris to Mexico to Tokyo and lives on today. Who cannot be reminded of that New Left ideal, &quot;participatory democracy&quot; (a phrase used by Students for a Democratic Society), when hearing of how 3,000 Chinese students voted on every major decision in Tiananmen Square in May 1989?

* Perhaps the obvious needs to be repeated: what frightens U.S. ruling-class circles is the linking of issues, strategies and, above all, people in struggle. What frightens them most is the prospect of grassroots alliances across national or racial lines. Progressives have no business falling prey to the dominant society's common view that the problem of racism is minorities feeling dissatisfied, rather than a lethal poison in the spirit and the body of our entire society. The cure is a whole new world that only a sense of our global linkage, of interdependence, can breathe into life.

* César Chávez (pronounced &quot;CHA-vez&quot;) died long after the height of the farmworker cause, like the entire Chicano movement, had been forced to spend much energy defending its small gains of the 1960s.

* The march reminded us that at one time 17 million Americans boycotted grapes not picked by unionized farmworkers.

* As we marched on April 29 through flat, dusty farmland and past almond orchards, we were walking with Chávez' strengths. We walked with someone who fought for 40 years to gain labor rights and human rights for the most disenfranchised and impoverished workers in the United States. Under his leadership, they ceased to be faceless immigrants whom the dominant society dismissed as subhuman, disposable. Never again would the public be so unaware of farmworker poverty and exploitation.

* To build unity requires recognizing the central role of young activists. They are vigorously fighting the attack on this century's Reconstruction. Their anger at today's ugly society often translates into a passionate drive for unity across color lines.

* We need to see how dance, music, theater, art, poetry, are major arenas for alliance-building, especially among youth. Culture can usher in new visions

=== Letters from Mississippi: Reports from Civil Rights Volunteers and Freedom School Poetry of the 1964 Freedom Summer (2007 edition) ===
* Let us all remember: history makes us and we the people make history

* In the Black civil rights movement, as in the Chicano, Asian/Pacific American, Puerto Rican, and Native American movements of those years, youth led the way in fighting oppression. Before that, the Black struggle in this century had usually centered on professionals or community leaders and middle-class or working class adults, often profoundly brave, persistent and self-sacrificing people. Young activists were everywhere but not the base of rebellion and not the recognized leadership. All that changed in the 1960s. The Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), which initiated the Mississippi Summer Project, had all the hallmarks of youth. Its young black field secretaries and other staff set a tone and style of work that celebrated boldness, energy, untraditional creativity, informality, democratic procedure, and sometimes breathtaking courage. Another reason for today's youthful interest in that era probably rises from the idea of &quot;black and white together, we shall overcome.&quot; No matter how complicated or flawed, that goal resonated powerfully through the southern freedom struggle. As an ideal, black/white unity inspired thousands of people from north to south who dreamed of equal rights and opportunity won by joint struggle. The Mississippi Summer Project thereby continued a historic tradition of white anti-racist activism that stands as an alternative to the tradition of white racist activism. Such an alternative does exist and whites can choose to join an honorable tradition or a hateful one. Such a choice demands to be made yesterday, today, and at all times every day. Amongst whites representing the anti-racist tradition, John Brown remains the best known martyr. But there are more to be researched, documented, and taught about. Today who even knows the name of William Moore, the ex-Marine postal worker from Baltimore who had grown up in Mississippi and thought its people were basically good? In April 1963, he walked down Deep South highways, wearing a sandwich-board bearing anti-racist slogans, with the goal of hand-delivering a letter, a civil rights plea, to the governor of Mississippi. After 70 miles he was shot dead at close range on U.S. Highway 11 in Alabama. People blamed the victim: &quot;He should have known better. Must have been crazy.&quot; We need to honor such &quot;craziness.&quot; Rev. Jonathan Daniels, a young northern minister who had been working with the black community, was shot dead in Lowndes County, Alabama, in 1965. That same year, Viola Liuzzo, a civil rights volunteer from Detroit who had come to join the Selma-Montgomery march, was shot dead by Klansmen while driving a local black youth home after the event. We hear a little more about two white Summer Project volunteers, Mickey Schwerner and Andrew Goodman, murdered together with Black activist James Chaney at Philadelphia, Mississippi.

* After the mid-1960s, the alternative tradition faded along with &quot;black and white together.&quot; As racist whites nationwide resisted yielding anything more than the vote and not always that - many activists of color became focused on their own history, culture and liberation work with a nationalist analysis indifferent to white support. During those later years, SNCC advised its white members &quot;Go organize in your own communities against racism,&quot; and a few did. They and other anti-racist white activists continue that alternative tradition today in various forms, with activist/educator Anne Braden of Kentucky a tireless example. This book raises their banner and asks: What, then, will you do?

* For them as for so many others, the anti-racist struggle in Mississippi has its steps forward together with its steps back-like any other struggle. So much has changed and yet remains unchanged. As of 1998, Mississippi had 10 black sheriffs (more than any other state) but chose in 2001 to retain the Confederate symbol of flags and bars in its flag. Racism lives, and not only in Mississippi. From the criminal injustice system to attacks on affirmative action, from environmental racism to intensifying poverty and the prison system, today's struggles often seem not so different from four decades ago. Denial of Black voting rights, a crucial southern issue in 1964, turned out to be very crucial nationwide in 2000, when it may well have decided the presidency, as Florida's voting records confirm. The role of racism in U.S. foreign policy and its domestic consequences became unmistakable with the government's response to the tragedy of September 11, 2001. Many people see more clearly today than before that ending racism is central and essential to any transformation of the human condition. The only fatal mistake in this long, hard struggle is cynicism.

* A last gift of the letters should be mentioned. They show how vital is the need, especially though not only, for young whites to take the initiative in changing their consciousness about racism. To seek out a different perspective from the one they have always known. To listen to what Black, Latino, and other oppressed peoples say in one way or another. For a new consciousness does not come automatically but with persistent effort.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Elizabeth Martínez}}
[https://snccdigital.org/people/elizabeth-betita-martinez-sutherland/ SNCC Digital: Elizabeth (Betita Martinez) Sutherland]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Martinez, Elizabeth}}
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    <title>Billie Eilish</title>
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      <text bytes="16357" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Billie Eilish Red Rocks 06.05.19 (48012828283).jpg|thumb|I know it makes you nervous &lt;br /&gt; But I promise you, it's worth it &lt;br /&gt; To show 'em everything you kept inside &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide, don't hide]]
'''[[w: Billie Eilish|Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O'Connell]]''' (born [[18 December]] [[2001]]) is an American singer and songwriter.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Billie Eilish - Los Angeles 2017 (03).jpg|thumb|My brother came to me with &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot;, which he had originally written for his band. … We put it on SoundCloud with a free download link next to it so my dance teacher could access it. We had no intentions for it, really. But basically overnight a ton of people started hearing it and sharing it.]]
[[File:Billie Eilish at Icebox.png |thumb|I have never done [[drugs]], I’ve never got high, I’ve never smoked anything in my [[life]]. I don’t give a fuck, I never have. It’s just not interesting to me. I have other shit to do.]]
[[File:Billie Eilish 08 10 2017 -24 (37238840341).jpg|thumb|Wake up and smell the coffee &lt;br /&gt; Is your cup half full or empty?]]

* '''My whole family is really musical.''' My brother and my mom both write songs and my dad has always played the piano and ukulele. When we were little, my dad would make us mix tapes with songs by artists like the [[Beatles]] and [[Avril Lavigne]], so we learned a lot from those. Even though I never really thought of being a singer, I’ve always loved it. I’ve been in the Los Angeles Children’s Chorus since I was about 8, which has helped my technique so much. It’s showed me all of the different types of classic music there are and how beautiful they can be. When I was 11 or 12, I started writing songs because it’s a good way to express your feelings. My brother is a really good songwriter so we’d give each other notes and write stuff together.
** [https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-billie-eilishs-ocean-eyes-turned-her-into-an-overnight-sensation &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot; by Ariana Marsh, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)]

* '''Aside from [[singing]], I'm also a [[dancer]].''' I've been dancing since I was eight. Last year, one of my teachers asked if I would either write a song or have my brother write a song to choreograph a dance to. I was like, &quot;yes, that's such a cool thing to do!&quot; Then, my brother came to me with &quot;'''[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]'''&quot;, which he had originally written for his band. He told me he thought it would sound really good in my voice. He taught me the song and we sang it together along to his guitar and I loved it — it was stuck in my head for weeks. '''We kind of just decided that that was the song we were going to use for the dance. We put it on SoundCloud with a free download link next to it so my dance teacher could access it. We had no intentions for it, really. But basically overnight a ton of people started hearing it and sharing it.''' Hillydilly, a music discovery website, found it and posted it and it just got bigger and bigger. It was really surreal. Then, Danny Ruckasin, who is now my manager, reached out to my brother and was like, &quot;dude, this is going to get huge and I think you’re going to need help along the way. I want to help you guys.&quot; We were like, &quot;that’s swag!&quot;
** &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot; by Ariana Marsh, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)

* '''I have never done drugs, I’ve never got high, I’ve never smoked anything in my life. I don’t give a fuck, I never have.''' It’s just not interesting to me. I have other shit to do. … I know people around you doing that shit makes you want to, but you don’t have to … [her song  &quot;[[w:Xanny (song)|xanny]]&quot; is] less &quot;don’t do drugs&quot;; it’s more &quot;be safe&quot; …. '''I don’t want my friends to die any more.'''
** As quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/mar/29/billie-eilish-the-pop-icon-who-defines-21st-century-teenage-angst &quot;Billie Eilish: the pop icon who defines 21st-century teenage angst&quot; by Hannah Ewens, in ''The Guardian'' (29 March 2019)]

* ''[[w:Bing (search engine)|Bing]]?'' Who the fuck uses Bing?
** After being asked &quot;What about Bing?&quot;, after stating stats of 152 million [[w:Google Search|Google searches for her name]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YltHGKX80Y8 &quot;Billie Eilish: Same Interview, The Third Year&quot;, ''Vanity Fair'' (25 November 2019)]

* '''Yeah, I'm definitely successful.''' … I was thinking about that earlier today, because of ''this interview'', I was like — back then I thought, it's was like the biggest it was ever going to be, and I thought, it was the most I was ever going to be recognized and it was the most anyone was going to know me... and it was the most money I was going to have, the most clothes I'd have, the most shoes I'd have — and what's crazy is: ''it wasn't''. … &quot;Success&quot; is not how well people know you, it's how you're like &quot;looked at&quot;. I genuinely did not think people would care. '''It's like I can't even stress it enough: ''I can't believe people care so much'' — about ''me''. It's crazy to me.'''
** &quot;Billie Eilish: Same Interview, The Third Year&quot;, ''Vanity Fair'' (25 November 2019)

=== Singles (2017 - present) ===
* Wake up and smell the coffee &lt;br /&gt; Is your cup half full or empty?
** &quot;[[w:Come Out and Play (Billie Eilish song)|Come Out and Play]]&quot; (20 November 2018) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXFdnHiGwos YouTube audio], co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]].

* You'll never know until you try it &lt;br /&gt; You don't have to keep it quiet &lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;And I know it makes you nervous &lt;br /&gt; But I promise you, it's worth it &lt;br /&gt; To show 'em everything you kept inside &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide, don't hide &lt;br /&gt; Too shy to say, but I hope you stay &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide away &lt;br /&gt; Come out and play
** ''[[w:Come Out and Play (Billie Eilish song)|Come Out and Play]]'' (20 November 2018), co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]].

* When I was older &lt;br /&gt; I was a sailor &lt;br /&gt; On an open sea &lt;br /&gt; But now I'm underwater &lt;br /&gt; And my skin is paler &lt;br /&gt; Than it should ever be
** [[w:When I Was Older|When I Was Older]], ''Music Inspired by the Film [[w:Roma (2018 film)|Roma]]'' (9 January 2019)

* I had a dream &lt;br /&gt; I got everything I wanted &lt;br /&gt; Not what you'd think &lt;br /&gt; And if I'm being honest &lt;br /&gt;It might have been a nightmare &lt;br /&gt; To anyone who might care
** &quot;[[w:Everything I Wanted (Billie Eilish song)|everything i wanted]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgdG91aCsPU First live performance, Mexico City (12 December 2019)] 

* I had a dream &lt;br /&gt; I got everything I wanted &lt;br /&gt; But when I wake up, I see &lt;br /&gt; You with me &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; And you say &lt;br /&gt; As long as I'm here &lt;br /&gt; No one can hurt you &lt;br /&gt; Don't wanna lie here &lt;br /&gt; But you can learn to &lt;br /&gt; If I could change the way that you see yourself &lt;br /&gt; You wouldn't wonder why you hear &lt;br /&gt; &quot;They don't deserve you&quot;
** &quot;everything i wanted&quot;

*  I saw you there &lt;br /&gt; Too much to bear &lt;br /&gt; You were my life &lt;br /&gt; But life is far away from fair. &lt;br /&gt; Was I stupid to love you? &lt;br /&gt; Was I reckless to help? &lt;br /&gt; Was it obvious to everybody else &lt;br /&gt; That I'd fallen for a lie? &lt;br /&gt; You were never on my side &lt;br /&gt; Fool me once, fool me twice &lt;br /&gt; Are you death or paradise? &lt;br /&gt; Now you'll never see me cry &lt;br /&gt; There's just no time to die.
** [[w:No Time to Die (song)|&quot;No Time to Die&quot; (13 February 2020)]], co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BboMpayJomw Official video (1 October 2020)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-ltmarIBP8 Live performance on ''The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon'' (5 October 2020)]

* I can't seem to focus &lt;br /&gt; And you don't seem to notice &lt;br /&gt; I'm not here &lt;br /&gt; I'm just a mirror.
** [[w:My Future|&quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)]] * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm9Zf1WYQ_A ''my future'' animated video (30 July 2020)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FvEDuWeB4A Live performance (19 August 2020)]

* Do you understand? &lt;br /&gt; I've changed my plans &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause I, I'm in love &lt;br /&gt; With my future &lt;br /&gt; Can't wait to meet her &lt;br /&gt; And I, I'm in love &lt;br /&gt; But not with anybody else &lt;br /&gt; Just wanna get to know myself.
** &quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)

* I know supposedly I'm lonely now (lonely now) &lt;br /&gt; Know I'm supposed to be unhappy &lt;br /&gt; Without someone (someone) &lt;br /&gt; But aren't I someone? (Aren't I someone? Yeah)
** &quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)

* I'm not your friend or anything, damn &lt;br /&gt; You think that you're the man &lt;br /&gt; I think, therefore, I am.
** [[w:Therefore I Am (song)|&quot;Therefore I Am&quot; (12 November 2020)]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUQl6YcMalg Official Music Video (Nov 12 November 2020)]

=== ''[[w:Don't Smile at Me|Dont Smile At Me]]'' (2017) ===

* Don't be cautious, don't be kind &lt;br /&gt; You committed, I'm your crime &lt;br /&gt; Push my button anytime &lt;br /&gt; You got your finger on the trigger, but your trigger finger's mine
** &quot;[[w:Copycat (Billie Eilish song)|Copycat]]&quot;

* If teardrops could be bottled  &lt;br /&gt; There'd be swimming pools filled by models &lt;br /&gt; Told a tight dress is what makes you a whore &lt;br /&gt; If &quot;I love you&quot; was a promise &lt;br /&gt; Would you break it, if you're honest &lt;br /&gt; Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before &lt;br /&gt; I don't wanna be you anymore
** &quot;[[w:Idontwannabeyouanymore|Idontwannabeyouanymore]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tn2S3kJlyU Official video]

=== ''[[w:When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?|When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?]]'' (2019) ===
[[File:Billie Eilish at Pukkelpop Festival - 18 AUGUST 2019 (10).jpg|thumb|I don't need a [[w:Xanax|Xanny]] to feel better&lt;br /&gt; On designated drives home&lt;br /&gt; Only one who's not stoned&lt;br /&gt; Don't give me a Xanny now or ever]]

* So you're a tough guy  &lt;br /&gt; Like-it-really-rough guy &lt;br /&gt; Just-can't-get-enough guy &lt;br /&gt; Chest-always-so-puffed guy &lt;br /&gt; I'm that bad type &lt;br /&gt; Make-your-mama-sad type &lt;br /&gt; Make-your-girlfriend-mad type &lt;br /&gt; Might-seduce-your-dad type &lt;br /&gt; I'm the bad guy, duh &lt;br /&gt;  &lt;br /&gt; I'm the bad guy
** &quot;[[w:Bad Guy (Billie Eilish song)|Bad Guy]]&quot;

* I must be missing something&lt;br /&gt; They just keep doing nothing&lt;br /&gt; Too intoxicated to be scared&lt;br /&gt; Better off without them&lt;br /&gt; They're nothing but unstable&lt;br /&gt; Bring ashtrays to the table&lt;br /&gt; And that's about the only thing they share&lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; I'm in their second-hand smoke&lt;br /&gt; Still just drinking canned Coke&lt;br /&gt; I don't need a [[w:Xanax|Xanny]] to feel better&lt;br /&gt; On designated drives home&lt;br /&gt; Only one who's not stoned&lt;br /&gt; Don't give me a Xanny now or ever 
** &quot;[[w:Xanny (song)|xanny]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZyybvVx-js official video]

=== ''[[w:Happier Than Ever|Happier Than Ever]]'' (2021) ===
[[File:Billie Eilish for British Vogue, May 2021 (2).png|thumb|So don't waste the time I don't have &lt;br /&gt; Don't try to make me feel bad.]]

* When I'm away from you &lt;br /&gt; I'm [[happier]] than ever &lt;br /&gt;[[Wish]] I could [[explain]] it better&lt;br /&gt;I wish it wasn't [[true]]. &lt;br /&gt; Give me a day or two &lt;br /&gt; To [[think]] of something [[clever]] &lt;br /&gt; To write myself a letter &lt;br /&gt; To tell me what to do.
** &quot;[[w:Happier Than Ever (song)|Happier Than Ever]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GJWxDKyk3A Official video at YouTube] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPfW6mGx1SA Performance on ''Saturday Night Live'' (12 December 2021)]

* I don't relate to you &lt;br /&gt; I don't relate to you, no &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty &lt;br /&gt; You make me hate this city. &lt;br /&gt; And I don't talk shit about you on the internet &lt;br /&gt; Never told anyone anything bad &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything &lt;br /&gt; And all that you did was make me fucking sad &lt;br /&gt; So don't waste the time I don't have &lt;br /&gt; Don't try to make me feel bad.
** &quot;Happier Than Ever&quot;

* You ruined everything good &lt;br /&gt; Always said you were misunderstood &lt;br /&gt; Made all my moments your own &lt;br /&gt; Just fucking leave me alone.
** &quot;Happier Than Ever&quot;

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==

* I've been walking through a [[world]] gone [[blind]] &lt;br /&gt; Can't stop thinking of your [[diamond]] [[mind]] &lt;br /&gt; Careful creature made friends with [[time]] &lt;br /&gt; He left her lonely with a diamond mind &lt;br /&gt; And those ocean eyes
** &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot; — though her breakthrough hit after she posted [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d--DyK0wtYo her performance of it] to SoundCloud for her dance teacher on 18 November 2015, the lyrics were  written entirely by her brother [[w:Finneas O'Connell|Finneas O'Connell]], who also collaborates with her on most of her other musical work. · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viimfQi_pUw Official Music Video]

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Eilish ==

* Imagine going to sleep as a regular 14-year-old girl and waking up the next morning with your inbox flooded with email messages inquiring about your bourgeoning music career. That's what happened to Billie Eilish who, in 2015, made a somewhat unintentional arrival onto the music scene after uploading a track called &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot; to SoundCloud. &lt;br /&gt; Written and produced by her older brother and featuring her vocals, the song was originally created for Billie's dance teacher, who wanted to choreograph a routine to original music. '''Within hours, the tune garnered praise from various websites and she's been on the upswing ever since.'''
** Ariana Marsh, in [https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-billie-eilishs-ocean-eyes-turned-her-into-an-overnight-sensation &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot;, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)]

* '''Billie Eilish is a cultural phenomenon.''' The singer and her songwriter brother, [[w:Finneas O’Connell|Finneas O’Connell]], have created a debut body of work that transcends genres, reflecting the vast multi-artist listening habits of the music streaming generation — while at the same time tearing apart the notion of the album’s death in the age of the playlist. Oh, and she owned [[w:Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival|Coachella]] for fun, too.
** Murray Stassen, in [https://www.musicbusinessworldwide.com/behind-billie-eilish-meet-the-managers-guiding-the-artists-global-success/ &quot;Behind Billie Eilish: Meet the managers guiding the artist’s global success&quot;, ''Music Business Woldwide'' (2 May 2019)]

* '''Eilish has a disarmingly intimate, unadorned vocal style born of a two-pronged education''': a member of the soft brigade of Gen Zers who grew up posting bedroom karaoke videos on YouTube, she also learned technique in the Los Angeles Children's Chorus, where blending matters more than belting.
** Ann Powers, in [https://www.npr.org/2019/12/10/786451710/billie-eilish-is-the-class-of-2019s-weird-achiever?t=1589400339402 &quot;Billie Eilish Is The Class of 2019's Weird Achiever&quot;, ''National Public Radio'' (10 December 2019)]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [https://www.billieeilish.com/ Official site]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiGm_E4ZwYSHV3bcW1pnSeQ/videos?view=0&amp;sort=dd&amp;shelf_id=0 Official YouTube channel videos]
* [https://www.imdb.com/name/nm8483808/ Profile at ''IMDb'']
* [https://www.discogs.com/artist/5590213 Discography at ''Discogs'']
* [https://kelyrics.com/b/billie-eilish.html Billie Eilish lyrics at ''KELyrics'']
* [https://www.azlyrics.com/b/billieeilish.html Billie Eilish lyrics at ''AZLyrics'']
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpx2-EMfdbg &quot;Billie Eilish and Finneas Break Down Her Hit Song 'Bad Guy'&quot;, ''Rolling Stone'' interview (16 December 2019)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Billie+Eilish &quot;Billie Eilish&quot; search on ''YouTube'']
* [https://genius.com/artists/Billie-eilish Billie Eilish lyrics at ''Genius'']

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    <title>Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker</title>
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[[File:Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.png|thumb|A thousand [[generations]] [[live]] in you [[now]]. But this is your [[fight]].]]
'''''[[w:Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]]''''' (also known as '''''Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker''''') is a 2019 American epic space opera film directed by J. J. Abrams, and written by J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio. It is the third and last film in the Star Wars sequel trilogy, following '''''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]''''' (2017).

== Opening crawl ==
* The dead speak! The galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of REVENGE in the sinister voice of the late EMPEROR PALPATINE. &lt;br /&gt; GENERAL LEIA ORGANA dispatches secret agents to gather intelligence, while REY, the last hope of the Jedi, trains for battle against the diabolical FIRST ORDER. &lt;br /&gt; Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN rages in search of the phantom Emperor, determined to destroy any threat to his power....
 
== Dialogue ==
:'''Palpatine''': At last. Snoke trained you well.
:'''Kylo Ren''': I killed Snoke. I'll kill you.
:'''Palpatine''': My boy... I ''made'' Snoke. I have been every voice... ''[as Snoke]'' ...you have ever heard... ''[as Darth Vader]'' ...inside your head. ''[breathes]'' The First Order was just the beginning... I will give you so much more.
:'''Ren''': You'll die first.
:'''Palpatine''': I have died before. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... ''[lightning flashes, revealing Palpatine's decaying face]'' …unnatural.
:'''Ren''': ''[raises his lightsaber at Palpatine]'' What could you give me?
:'''Palpatine''': Everything. A ''new'' Empire. ''[raises his decaying hands, with electricity surging between his fingers. Suddenly, multiple ''Xyston''-class Star Destroyers rise from the ground]'' The might of the Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours if you do as I ask: Kill the girl, end the Jedi, and become what your grandfather, Vader, could not. You will rule all the galaxy as the ''new'' Emperor. But beware: She is not who you think she is.
:'''Ren''': ''[a bit confused yet intrigued]'' Who is she? ''[Palpatine smiles sinisterly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the jungle world of Ajan Kloss, Rey is practicing using the Force with Leia training her]''
:'''Rey''': Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. ''[opens her eyes]'' They're not with me.
:'''General Leia Organa''': Rey, be patient.
:'''Rey''': I'm starting to think it's impossible to hear the voices of the Jedi who came before.
:'''Leia''': Nothing is impossible.
:'''Rey''': &quot;Nothing is impossible.&quot; I'm going to run the training course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rey''': Why did the Emperor come for me? Why did he want to kill a child? Tell me.
:'''Ren''': Because he saw what you would become. You don't just have power. You have ''his'' power. You're his granddaughter. You... are a Palpatine. My mother was the daughter of Vader. Your father was the son of the Emperor. What Palpatine doesn't know is that we're a dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one. We'll kill him. Together. And take the throne. You know what you need to do. You know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poe''': ''[to Zorii]'' How long's it been like this?
:'''Zorii''': First Order took most of the kids a long time ago. Can't stand the cries anymore. I've saved up enough to get out. I'm going to the Colonies.
:'''Poe''': How? All those hyperlanes are blocked. That's the First Order Captain's medallion. I've never seen a real one.
:'''Zorii''': Free passage through any blockade. Landing privileges, any vessel. ''[removes part of the helmet, revealing her eyes]'' Wanna come with me?
:'''Poe''': ''[sighs]'' I can't walk out on this war. Not till it's over. Maybe it is. We sent out a call for help at the [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Battle of Crait]]. Nobody came. Everyone's so afraid. They've given up.
:'''Zorii''': I don't believe you believe that. Hey. They win by making you think you're alone, remember. There's more of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Having ensured Finn and Poe got away with Chewie, General Hux shows up before Allegiant General Pryde walking on a cane and his leg wound]''
:'''General Hux''': It was a coordinated incursion, Allegiant General. They overpowered the guards and forced me to take them to their ship.
:'''Allegiant General Pryde''': I see. ''[to female aide]'' Get me the Supreme Leader.
:'''Aide''': Yes, sir.
:'''Pryde''': ''[takes a Stormtrooper's blaster, kills Hux, and gives the Stormtrooper his weapon back; to aide]'' Tell him we found our spy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ren''': Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else. You can't go back to her now. Like I can't.
:'''Rey''': ''[referring to the Sith wayfinder]'' Give it to me.
:'''Ren''': The Dark Side is in our nature. Surrender to it.
:'''Rey''': ''[sees the Sith wayfinder in Kylo Ren's hand]'' Give it... to me... ''now''!
:'''Ren''': The only way you're getting to Exegol... is with me. ''[crushes the Wayfinder with his own hand, destroying it]''
:'''Rey''': NO!!! ''[furiously swings her lightsaber at Kylo Ren, missing him at every turn; Ren ignites his own lightsaber and blocks Rey's fatal blow, engaging her into one final duel]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kylo Ren is spent after fighting Rey, who just left]''
:'''Han''': Hey, kid. ''[Ben turns to Han Solo as a memory]'' I miss you, son.
:'''Ben''': Your son is dead.
:'''Han''': No. Kylo Ren is dead. My son is alive.
:'''Ben''': You're just a memory.
:'''Han''': ''Your'' memory. Come home.
:'''Ben''': It's too late. She's gone.
:'''Han''': Your mother's gone. But what she stood for, what she fought for... that's not gone. Ben...
:'''Ben''': I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
:'''Han''': You do.
:'''Ben''': Dad...
:'''Han''': I know.
:''[Ben throws his lightsaber into the sea, then turns back around, only to see that Han has vanished.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Poe Dameron grieves for the loss of General Leia Organa]''
:'''Poe''': I gotta tell you, I don't really know... how to do this. What you did. I'm not ready.
:'''Lando Calrissian''': Neither were we. Luke, Han, Leia and me. Who's ever ready?
:'''Poe''': How did you do it? Defeat an Empire with almost... nothing?
:'''Lando''': We had each other. That's how we won.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On Ahch-To, Rey throws away her lightsaber into the flaming wreckage of Kylo's TIE whisper, but a hand reaches out and grabs it. It turns out to be Luke Skywalker as a Force spirit, who steps casually forward]''
:'''Luke Skywalker''': A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect.
:'''Rey''': ''[surprised]'' Master Skywalker!
:'''Luke''': What are you doing?
:'''Rey''': I saw myself on the dark throne. I won't let it happen. I'm never leaving this place. I'm doing what you did.
:'''Luke''': I was wrong. It was fear that kept me here. What are you most afraid of?
:'''Rey''': ''[after a long pause]'' Myself.
:'''Luke''': Because you're a Palpatine? Leia knew it, too.
:'''Rey''': She didn't tell me. ''[Luke sits beside her]'' And she still trained me.
:'''Luke''': Because she saw your spirit. Your heart. Rey, some things are stronger than blood. Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi. Your destiny. If you don't face Palpatine, it will mean the end of the Jedi, and the war will be lost. There's something my sister would want you to have.
:'''Rey''': Leia's saber.
:'''Luke''': It was the last night of her training. Leia told me that she had sensed the death of her son at the end of her Jedi path. She surrendered her saber to me and said that one day, it would be picked up again by someone who would finish her journey. A thousand generations live in you now. But this is your fight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Palpatine''': The time has come! With your hatred, you will take my life, and you will ascend!
:'''Rey''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' All you want is for me to hate, but I won't. Not even you.
:'''Palpatine''': ''[annoyed]'' Weak... like your parents!
:'''Rey''': My parents were strong. They saved me from you.
:'''Palpatine''': Your master, Luke Skywalker, was saved by his father. The only family you have here... is me. ''[shows Rey the Resistance fighting with the Sith Eternal forces]'' They don't have long. No one is coming to help them. And you are the one who led them here. Strike me down, take the throne, reign over the new Empire, and the fleet will be yours! Only you have the power to save them. Refuse, and your new family... dies. ''[an emotional Rey nods reluctantly]'' Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rey''': ''[harnesses the powers of the Force and the voices of the Jedi from the past]'' Be with me... be with me. Be with me.
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': These are your final steps, Rey. Rise, and take them.
:'''Anakin Skywalker''': Rey.
:'''Ahsoka Tano''': Rey.
:'''Kanan Jarrus''': Rey.
:'''Anakin''': Bring back the balance, Rey, as I did.
:'''Luminara Unduli''': In the night, find the light, Rey.
:'''Mace Windu''': You're not alone, Rey.
:'''Yoda''': Alone, never have you been.
:'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Every Jedi who ever lived, lives in you.
:'''Anakin''': The Force surrounds you, Rey.
:'''Aayla Secura''': Let it guide you.
:'''Ahsoka''': As it guided us.
:'''Windu''': Feel the Force flowing through you, Rey.
:'''Anakin''': Let it lift you.
:'''Adi Gallia''': Rise, Rey.
:'''Qui-Gon''': We stand behind you, Rey.
:'''Obi-Wan''': Rey.
:'''Yoda''': Rise in the Force.
:'''Kanan''': In the heart of the Jedi, lies her strength.
:'''Obi-Wan''': Rise.
:'''Qui-Gon''': Rise.
:'''Luke''': Rey, the Force will be with you. Always.
:''[Encouraged by their voices, Rey finally rises, stands before Palpatine and ignites Leia's lightsaber]''
:'''Palpatine''': ''[finally fed up with her defiance]'' Let your death be the final word in the story of rebellion! ''[raises his hand, and unleashes a streak of Force lightning at Rey, who blocks it by using Leia's lightsaber; the scene cuts to Poe Dameron, who notices his controls coming back online]''
:'''Poe''': I'm back on! This is our last chance. We have to hit those cannons now! ''[the scene cuts again to the battle between Rey and Palpatine on Exegol]''
:'''Palpatine''': ''[angrily]'' You are nothing! A scavenger girl is no match for the power in me! I am ''all'' the Sith! ''[intensifies attack]''
:'''Rey''': ''[straining]'' And I... ''[Anakin's lightsaber flies right into her other hand]'' ...am all the Jedi!! ''[uses both lightsabers to deflect the Force lightning back on Palpatine. Unable to take the strain of the immense energy reflected back at him, a horrified Palpatine screams in agony as he is vaporized, which decimates the Sith Eternal, finally killing him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rey visits the old Lars homestead on Tatooine]''
:'''Tatooine Elder''': There's been no one for so long. Who are you?
:'''Rey''': I'm Rey.
:'''Tatooine Elder''': Rey who?
:'''Rey''': ''[looks to the horizon, where Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa's watching her; to the Tatooine Elder]'' Rey Skywalker.

== Cast ==
* [[Carrie Fisher]] as General Leia Organa ({{small|archive footage}})
* [[Mark Hamill]] as Luke Skywalker
* [[w:Adam Driver|Adam Driver]] as Kylo Ren/Ben Solo
* [[w:Daisy Ridley|Daisy Ridley]] as Rey
* [[w:John Boyega|John Boyega]] as Finn
* [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] as Poe Dameron
* [[Anthony Daniels]] as C-3PO
* [[w:Naomi Ackie|Naomi Ackie]] as Jannah
* [[w:Domhnall Gleeson|Domhnall Gleeson]] as General Hux
* [[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]] as Allegiant General Pryde
* [[w:Lupita Nyong'o|Lupita Nyong'o]] as Maz Kanata
* [[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] as Zorii Bliss
* [[w:Joonas Suotamo|Joonas Suotamo]] as Chewbacca
* [[w:Kelly Marie Tran|Kelly Marie Tran]] as Rose Tico
* [[w:Ian McDiarmid|Ian McDiarmid]] as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious
* [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as Lando Calrissian

----
{{Star Wars}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* [http://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-ix-the-rise-of-skywalker ''Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker'' at Starwars.com]
* {{IMDb title|2527338|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_the_rise_of_skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:Star Wars films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>174.21.122.118</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Messy Room */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room cleaned and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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      <comment>/* The Messy Room */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room cleaned and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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      <comment>/* The Messy Room */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys won't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling, tattling is just to be mean, Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister begin starting with the name calling]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister --to have bad manners or &quot;forget their manners&quot;-- begin starting with the name calling.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:45:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Forget their Manners */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister --to have bad manners or &quot;forget their manners&quot;-- begin starting with the name calling.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).
:''[As for Papa --who forgot a &quot;please&quot; or a &quot;thank you&quot;-- he ended up doing the first penalty. That was &quot;sweep the front steps&quot;. Not only there should've been a penalty for &quot;forgetting a please or thank you&quot;, there also should've been a penalty for &quot;arguing back&quot; for number 11, one for number 12, and so on, and so on. While it is unknown what the penalty would've been for &quot;arguing back&quot;, the penalty --or &quot;chore&quot;-- for that would've been to &quot;clean your bedroom&quot;. It wasn't added. But it should have. And when Papa &quot;argued back&quot;, it was penalty number 11. So, he would have had to clean his and Mama's room. Penalty number 12 would've had to be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. The rude action for that would've been &quot;Being selfish&quot; --although that wasn't on the &quot;rude chart&quot;. The &quot;Being selfish&quot; one would mean Brother and Sister would not share their things. As for the penalty on that, that would be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. As a result, this would've been great penalties for numbers 11 and 12 --arguing back and being selfish-- in addition to the normal 10 which Mama made on the chart.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister --to have bad manners or &quot;forget their manners&quot;-- begin starting with the name calling.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting and it indeed was number 6]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). ''[leaves the living room]''
:''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).
:''[As for Papa --who forgot a &quot;please&quot; or a &quot;thank you&quot;-- he ended up doing the first penalty. That was &quot;sweep the front steps&quot;. Not only there should've been a penalty for &quot;forgetting a please or thank you&quot;, there also should've been a penalty for &quot;arguing back&quot; for number 11, one for number 12, and so on, and so on. While it is unknown what the penalty would've been for &quot;arguing back&quot;, the penalty --or &quot;chore&quot;-- for that would've been to &quot;clean your bedroom&quot;. It wasn't added. But it should have. And when Papa &quot;argued back&quot;, it was penalty number 11. So, he would have had to clean his and Mama's room. Penalty number 12 would've had to be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. The rude action for that would've been &quot;Being selfish&quot; --although that wasn't on the &quot;rude chart&quot;. The &quot;Being selfish&quot; one would mean Brother and Sister would not share their things. As for the penalty on that, that would be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. As a result, this would've been great penalties for numbers 11 and 12 --arguing back and being selfish-- in addition to the normal 10 which Mama made on the chart. As for Papa, he interrupted and had to dust the room, he didn't thank Mama for the duster and had to sweep the front steps, he argued back and had to clean his and Mama's bedroom, and he made rude noises and had to weed the garden. And they were numbers 1, 6, 7, and 11 on the rude chart.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, and rude noises. The penalties for the other three was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, and pulling the weeds. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153468</id>
      <parentid>3153464</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:52:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.21.122.118</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Forget their Manners */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="28634" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister --to have bad manners or &quot;forget their manners&quot;-- begin starting with the name calling.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting, and it indeed was number 6 --and now he is &quot;arguing back&quot; or &quot;not accepting the 'penalty' feedback&quot;]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). (And since you argued back, you --when you are finished sweeping the front steps-- have to clean Mama and Papa's bedroom --and that is penalty number 11.) 
:''[Mama leaves the living room. Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken three rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, and the third was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, and pull the weeds from the garden]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).
:''[As for Papa --who forgot a &quot;please&quot; or a &quot;thank you&quot;-- he ended up doing the first penalty. That was &quot;sweep the front steps&quot;. Not only there should've been a penalty for &quot;forgetting a please or thank you&quot;, there also should've been a penalty for &quot;arguing back&quot; for number 11, one for number 12, and so on, and so on. While it is unknown what the penalty would've been for &quot;arguing back&quot;, the penalty --or &quot;chore&quot;-- for that would've been to &quot;clean your bedroom&quot;. It wasn't added. But it should have. And when Papa &quot;argued back&quot;, it was penalty number 11. So, he would have had to clean his and Mama's room. Penalty number 12 would've had to be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. The rude action for that would've been &quot;Being selfish&quot; --although that wasn't on the &quot;rude chart&quot;. The &quot;Being selfish&quot; one would mean Brother and Sister would not share their things. As for the penalty on that, that would be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. As a result, this would've been great penalties for numbers 11 and 12 --arguing back and being selfish-- in addition to the normal 10 which Mama made on the chart. As for Papa, he interrupted and had to dust the room, he didn't thank Mama for the duster and had to sweep the front steps, he argued back and had to clean his and Mama's bedroom, and he made rude noises and had to weed the garden. And they were numbers 1, 6, 7, and 11 on the rude chart.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, arguing back, and rude noises. The penalties for the other four was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, cleaning Mama and Papa's bedroom, and weeding the garden. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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      <text bytes="28780" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an animated comedy television series based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star Productions]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera Australia]].

It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until March 7, 1987 on [[w:CBS|CBS]].

==Season 1==

===The Messy Room===
:''[As Mama's footsteps are banging on the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An earthquake?
:'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Climbing the stairs.
:'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' ''♪ Come in. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! NOW HEAR THIS! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEAN! AND FOR STARTERS, I WANT THIS FLOOR PICKED UP! PICKED UP CLEAN...! AND I WANT IT DONE IN EXACTLY...! 15 MINUTES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' &lt;big&gt;'''15 MINUTES?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[angrily leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom; and her mark is &quot;15 minutes&quot; to clean it up]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU HEARD ME! I SAID, &quot;15 MINUTES&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this point, Mama gives Brother and Sister --the cubs-- one chance to clean up their messy bedroom. According to her mark, it should be cleaned up in 15 minutes.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SWEEP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DUMB OLD DINOSAUR TOYS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Brother's dinosaur collection. It shows four, five, or six types of plastic model dinosaurs. There's a model [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], a [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]], a [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]], a [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]], and a [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|T.Rex]] on the floor. And it is collecting cobwebs.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about Sister moving his dinosaur collection]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THEY ARE NOT TOYS! THEY ARE MODELS! AND YOU LEAVE THEM (MY DINOSAUR MODELS) ALONE! I AM WORKING ON A SET UP OF THE [[w:Pleistocene|PLEISTOCENE AGE]]!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Since Brother knows that the dinosaurs were around in the Pleistocene Age, he wants to make a set-up of it. He is trying to work with a set-up of the [[w:Mesozoic|Mesozoic Era]]''. But limiting to only [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]]'' and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] dinosaurs --if he means &quot;Mesozoic&quot;-- he is trying to work with a set-up of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. But whatever project he is working on --with his dinosaurs-- Sister gets irritated of that --and she is fed with him and his fixation about dinosaurs. That is because she always sees Brother's dinosaur collection always all over the floor.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PLEISTOCENE SCHMEISTOCENE! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY STUFFED BUNNY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[As Mama is in her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time after giving the cubs her 15 minutes mark to clean their bedroom before she shows up again]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sits in her rocking chair and reads a book]'' 15 minutes...?! ''[looks at her watch, showing that it has passed]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(15 MINUTES!) TIME IS UP!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[zips out of her rocking chair]''
:''[Mama's footsteps bang into the hallway floor again. She has the plan that some of Brother and Sister's favorite things are going in the trash if their bedroom is not cleaned up yet. Some of them might go in the trash or the throwaway box if the cubs have not yet cleaned it up]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[as she marches through the hallway to the cubs's bedroom]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(IF THEIR PIGSTY THOSE CUBS OF MINE CALL A ROOM IS NOT CLEAN YET, THEIR FAVORITE THINGS ARE ENDING UP IN THE TRASH!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room &quot;cleaned&quot; and cheer.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[saying &quot;Ta-da&quot; in a sing-songy voice]'' &lt;big&gt;'''♪TA-DA!♪'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[At first sight, the floor --and the whole room-- may look clean. But it is not very long before Mama gets to the cubs's closet door.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': And look? With the floor clean, you can actually open the...!
:''[Mama --since she sees the room &quot;clean&quot;-- she is able to open the closet door --even though she couldn't get it to open when the room was messy. But now it is &quot;neat&quot;, she can open it. That is why she says, &quot;You can actually open the closet&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[as Mama tries to open the closet door]'' &lt;big&gt;'''NO MAMA! DON'T OPEN THE...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[It is now known that the cubs's moment of victory of their room being clean due to Mama's 15 minutes mark was short lived. Because when Mama opened the closet door, all of the cubs's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''CLOSET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs's toys. Then she gets up and angrily marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, gets out a giant box, and writes down the word &quot;TRASH&quot; on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama?
:'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for?
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT IS FOR ALL THIS TRASH! (THE FIRST THING THAT WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF ALL THIS JUNK!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' No, Mama, No!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' My baseball cards aren't trash!
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING! NOTHING BUT THROW AWAY TRASH!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, coloring book, and crayons trying to get it back out of the box]'' That's not trash!, That's my best doll!, Not my coloring books and crayons! Help! Help! Please!
:''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen he tries to get back his dinosaur collection and baseball glove]'' Please, Mama, Not my dinosaur collection! Stop! That's my first baseball mitt! Help!
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO! HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''CRIES FOR HELP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[seeing the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made]'' &lt;big&gt;'''QUIEEEEEEEET!'''&lt;/big&gt; Now, the mess has certainly built up in this room. In fact, it is the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. But now let's sit down and talk this over calmly.
:''[The scene cuts to the cubs's room and Papa has a talk over the cubs about the messy room business.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. But it isn't fair to you cubs, because you really can't have fun or relax in a room that's such a terrible mess.

===The Terrible Termite===
:'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible Termite... that is, if I had any friends...

===Too Much Birthday===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and...
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The ponies and the merry-go-round are here.
:'''Mama Bear''': The what?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what?
:'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday (party) pretty soon.
:'''Sister Bear''': A (birthday) party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings?
:'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yeah, Sister!
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square.
:'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your (birthday) party. That wouldn't be polite.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles, then we're all gonna sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;. ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... &lt;big&gt;'''BLOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing to Sister a happy birthday song; a tune of &quot;[[w:London Bridge Is Falling Down|London Bridge Is Falling Down]]&quot;]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪''
:''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪''
:''♪ We all love you! ♪''
:''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing &quot;Happy Birthday, Sister Bear&quot;, Sister begins crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday. Why are you so upset?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[crying]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT IS NOT FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[in between tears]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I WAS THE FIRST ONE OUT IN MUSICAL CHAIRS! I DIDN'T GET MY DONKEY GAME PRIZE! I GOT BOUNCED ON THE PONIES AND SICK IN THE MERRY GO ROUND! AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SIX (TO TEN) CUBS! I ONLY WANT TO HAVE THREE!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Sister resumes crying as Mama hugs her]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis, how about your presents? You haven't opened them yet.
:'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama.
:'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely, but your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. You're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake.
:''[Papa chuckles nervously. Then the cubs chuckle along with him]''

===No Girls Allowed===
:'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse!
:''[Sister does her victory dance when she sees the clubhouse. That is, until she hears the drawbridge close --like a castle's drawbridge-- to reveal the sign for the finishing touch on its underside. The scene next cuts to Brother and the other boy cubs who --instead of answering Sister's happy cry and victory dance-- add the finishing touch. The sign says, &quot;NO GIRLS ALLOWED!&quot;. Then it cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO GIRLS ALLOWED?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boy Cubs''': ''[chorusing]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The scene cuts back to the clubhouse. Brother and the other boys go into the clubhouse off-screen. Sister sees this and finds it unfair. Then the scene cuts back to Sister.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': It...! It isn't fair! It isn't fair! It just isn't...! &lt;big&gt;'''...FAIR!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister says the final word, completed with tears in her eyes. Then she runs away crying, and to the treehouse and tearfully reports this to Mama and Papa about the boys not letting her into their clubhouse]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO MAKE A TOTAL OUTRAGE! COME, MY DEAR! WE'RE GOING BACK THERE AND I'M MAKING THEM TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I'M GOING TO SMASH THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[After roaring in frustration, Papa grabs Sister by the hand and they head off from the treehouse and into the woods where the boys are building their clubhouse. He threatens to smash down the clubhouse into smithereens if the boys don't let Sister join in. Then he takes Sister by the hand and they both head off to the boys.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[stopping Papa from leaving with Sister, then escorting Sister down the treehouse front steps]'' I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are bring unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it is wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you.
:'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can smash it down limb from limb! Come on, Papa!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own?
:'''Sister Bear''': Could I?
:'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, can build it in the old climbing tree!
:'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says &quot;No Boys Allowed&quot;.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you need is members.

===Learn About Strangers===
:''[Indeed, it is not tattling if someone is in trouble. Mama tells Brother why Sister reported this to her and Papa when Brother talked to a stranger.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is just to be mean. Sister told us what happened because she loves you and she was worried.
:'''Brother Bear''': You think that guy was a bad apple?
:'''Mama Bear''': Probably not.
:'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case.

==Season 2==

===In the Dark===
:'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the library today?
:'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' Well, there better not be anymore &quot;ooh ooh ooh&quot;, or else it's going to be followed by some &quot;ow, ow, ow!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep.
:''[The lights go off again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on yet again]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep!
:''[The lights go off yet again]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Help!
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep...

===Forget their Manners===
:''[Brother and Sister --to have bad manners or &quot;forget their manners&quot;-- begin starting with the name calling.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY! COME ON, SILLY HEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NOODLEPUSS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LAY OFF, LITTLE MINI!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''GIMME THAT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''I HAD IT... FIRST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''STOP GRABBING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' &lt;big&gt;'''FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!'''&lt;/big&gt; There's plenty of honey for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your Mama, she is absolutely right!
:'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa. But interrupting is number 6 on the rude chart. And the penalty is dusting the room.
:''[The chore for interrupting was &quot;dusting the downstairs&quot;. That was number 6 on the chart. She hands Papa the feather duster. Instead of saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, Papa tries to argue back.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[he is trying to argue with Mama even though he was interrupting, and it indeed was number 6 --and now he is &quot;arguing back&quot; or &quot;not accepting the 'penalty' feedback&quot;]'' But...!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa when he did not say &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;]'' You did not say, &quot;Thank you for the duster&quot;. I am afraid that means after you are finished dusting (the room), you have to sweep the front steps (and that is penalty number 1). (And since you argued back, you --when you are finished sweeping the front steps-- have to clean Mama and Papa's bedroom --and that is penalty number 11.) 
:''[Mama leaves the living room. Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean?
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''PENALTY NUMBER 7...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the &quot;Bear Family Politeness Plan&quot; rule list]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WEED THE GARDEN!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[So far, Papa has broken four rules. The first rule he broke was interrupting which was for number 6, the second he broke was not saying &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; when Mama handed him the duster and that was for number 1, the third was arguing back when he had to &quot;sweep the front steps&quot; and that was for number 11, and the fourth was making rude noises and that is for number 7. According to the rude chart, Papa has to dust the downstairs, sweep the front steps, pull the weeds from the garden, and argued back when he had to do the &quot;dusting&quot; chore.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores (too).
:''[As for Papa --who forgot a &quot;please&quot; or a &quot;thank you&quot;-- he ended up doing the first penalty. That was &quot;sweep the front steps&quot;. Not only there should've been a penalty for &quot;forgetting a please or thank you&quot;, there also should've been a penalty for &quot;arguing back&quot; for number 11, one for number 12, and so on, and so on. While it is unknown what the penalty would've been for &quot;arguing back&quot;, the penalty --or &quot;chore&quot;-- for that would've been to &quot;clean your bedroom&quot;. It wasn't added. But it should have. And when Papa &quot;argued back&quot;, it was penalty number 11. So, he would have had to clean his and Mama's room. Penalty number 12 would've had to be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. The rude action for that would've been &quot;Being selfish&quot; --although that wasn't on the &quot;rude chart&quot;. The &quot;Being selfish&quot; one would mean Brother and Sister would not share their things. As for the penalty on that, that would be &quot;clean the bathroom&quot;. As a result, this would've been great penalties for numbers 11 and 12 --arguing back and being selfish-- in addition to the normal 10 which Mama made on the chart. As for Papa, he interrupted and had to dust the room, he didn't thank Mama for the duster and had to sweep the front steps, he argued back and had to clean his and Mama's bedroom, and he made rude noises and had to weed the garden. And they were numbers 1, 6, 7, and 11 on the rude chart.]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHY THAT PINHEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa...?! That's name calling! (And it's number 4 on the rude chart!)
:'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is!
:'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! ''[names the penalty for the 4th rule; that is, if you were caught name calling]'' Cleaning our entire cellar!
:''[This becomes the fourth rule that Papa broke from the rude chart. It was &quot;name calling&quot; and it was number 4. Before that, early from the episode, he broke four rules. It was interrupting, forgetting a &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot;, arguing back, and rude noises. The penalties for the other four was dusting the downstairs, sweeping the front steps, cleaning Mama and Papa's bedroom, and weeding the garden. Now he was caught name calling and the penalty is cleaning the entire cellar]''
:'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO GOOD NINCOMPOOP! WHY I OUGHT TOO...!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===The Truth===
:''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]''
:'''Mockingbird''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, this is what I'm going to do! I'm gonna get the heck out of here! ''[flies away]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees that Mama's best lamp is completely broken]'' &lt;big&gt;'''HOLY CATFISH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMA'S BEST LAMP?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Get in a Fight===
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER?! GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''MY FEET ARE NOT DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS! AND THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': [still has her face in Brother's face] Oh yeah?! Well, you are the one who is dopey, Brother Bear! 
:''[Sister --with a smirk-- zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother. Then she tells Brother what she is going to do while he sits there like a big grump.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[smirking evilly]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BECAUSE WHILE YOU SIT THERE LIKE A CLAUD, I AM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU AND LOCKING THE DOOR! (YOU CAN HAVE A TURN --IF I LEAVE ANY TIME FOR YOU!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister --with an evil grin-- runs off to the bathroom. After she gets into it before Brother, she locks the door in front of him.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''HEY, YOU CANNOT DO THAT! YOU LITTLE TWERP...! YOU BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As Sister is taking a long time washing up, brushing her teeth and combing her fur, she --happily-- sings a song. It is her own version of the song &quot;[[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]&quot;]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
:''[Brother pauses banging on the bathroom door. He listens to Sister singing, then --in between outbursts-- notes and complains that she's singing.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[quietly and in between outbursts]'' She is singing! 
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Sister --pretending that she does not hear Brother's shouting and angrily banging on the door-- she --while brushing her teeth-- sings the same song [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] again.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ Brush our teeth, brush our teeth, ♪''
: ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth, ♪''
:''♪ So early in the morning. ♪''
:''[Brother resumes outbursts.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IF YOU DO NOT UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa angrily comes out of his bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Brother; angrily]'' What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! (You know better than to shout at your sister!)
:'''Brother Bear''': You see, Papa...!
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay.
:''[Sister furiously squishes the dinosaur clay into a lump of clay, angrily rolls it into a ball]''
:'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?!
:''[Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''YOU NO-GOOD RAT! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PUZZLE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH, YEAH? WELL, MY CLAY IS MY CLAY AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my...!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NEVER MIND ABOUT YOUR STUFF, YOU NO GOOD SWORD HEAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit!
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHY, YOU OVERGROWN, YOU JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON UP THERE? I WANT THAT SHOUTING STOP THIS INSTANT! UNDERSTAND?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! HE CALLED ME NAMES!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL ''MY'' FAULT?! IT'S ALL ''HER'' FAULT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily roars in frustration]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS! I WANT THIS FIGHTING AND BICKERING STOP! STOP, YOU HEAR ?!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Papa Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister Bear are yelling and shouting angrily and Mama whistles to stop them.]'':
:'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you I have quite enough of this foolish fighting.

===The Trouble with Friends===

:''[As Lizzy is teaching the alphabet to the pretend class. The pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW JUST A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE TEACHER?! WHEN I PLAY SCHOOL, I AM THE TEACHER! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THE ALPHABET!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER BEAR...!? IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN THIS VERY MINUTE, I AM GOING TO KEEP YOU AFTER SCHOOL!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is that so?
:''[As Sister Bear is talking to Lizzy --and threatening her about the pointer-- she pokes Lizzy on the belly and waist --saying the threats one by one.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you do not give me that pointer (so I can be the teacher), I am going to keep you after school!
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''OH YES, I AM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sister Bear grabs the pointer from Lizzy. Then they both wrestle for the pointer. All of a sudden, the pointer snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the pointer --as Sister had broken it.]''
:'''Lizzy''': &lt;big&gt;'''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY BEST POINTER!'''&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': &lt;big&gt;'''SISTER'S MAD, AND I'M GLAD!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''LIZZIE-LIZZIE IN A TIZZY!'''&lt;/big&gt;

:'''NOTE''': This is the only appearance of Lizzie Bruin in the series.

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Brian Cummings|Brian Cummings]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and the Additional voices.
* [[w:David Mendenhall|David Mendenhall]] as Brother Bear.
* Christina Lange as Sister Bear.
* Josh Rodine as Cousin Freddy.
* [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and the Additional voices.
* [[w:Henry Corden|Henry Corden]], [[w:Linda Gary|Linda Gary]], Marissa Mendenhall, [[w:Marilyn Schreffler|Marilyn Schreffler]] and [[w:John Stephenson (actor)|John Stephenson]] as the Additional voices.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}}
[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:CBS shows]]
[[Category:UPN shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
      <sha1>pxzpfy5jvpjpvn11tiyfm0di383lepx</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Adapter</title>
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      <text bytes="556" xml:space="preserve">An '''[[w:Adapter|adapter]]''' is a device that converts attributes of one device or system to those of an otherwise incompatible device or system. Some modify power or signal attributes, while others merely adapt the physical form of one connector to another.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Adapt to this, but you need no adapter, this is just the first chapter.
**[[w:RBX|Eric D. Collins]], [https://kelyrics.com/lyrics/dr-dre/high-powered.html &quot;High Powered&quot;] (1992), ''The Chronic'', Death Row Records
==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Themes]]</text>
      <sha1>m4qhuxce6eb1xuz5mxux3fnaxxj61x2</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Volodymyr Zelenskyy</title>
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      <comment>/* 2022 */ start a subsection</comment>
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      <text bytes="46246" xml:space="preserve">[[File:We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person - address by the President of Ukraine. (51972098928).jpg|thumb|And now - this is the most important thing. We will not [[failure|give up]] anything. And we will [[fighting|fight]] for every meter of our land, for every person.]]
'''[[wikipedia:Volodymyr Zelenskyy|Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy]]''' (Ukrainian:Володи́мир Олекса́ндрович Зеле́нський, &lt;small&gt;pronounced&lt;/small&gt; [woloˈdɪmɪr olekˈsɑndrowɪtʃ zeˈlɛnsʲkɪj]; born 25 January 1978) is the 6th and current president of [[Ukraine]] (since 2019). Before entering politics, he was a comedian, actor, screenwriter, film producer, and director.
{{Npov|date=March 2022}}
[[File:Reporter’s Notebook - Thriving Kyiv Becomes Battle Zone, Almost Overnight 02.jpg|thumb|The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.]]
[[File:Apartment block in Kharkiv damaged during Russian invasion.jpg|thumb|In today's world, where we live, there is no longer someone else’s war. None of you can feel safe when there is a war in Ukraine, when there is a war in [[Europe]].&lt;br&gt;You can't think of the global and close your eyes to the details.&lt;br&gt;Only one thing remains unchanged: contradictions between nations and states are still resolved not by words, but by missiles. Not by word. But by [[war]].]]
[[File:Flag of Europe.svg|thumb|Without you, Ukraine is going to be lonely.&lt;br&gt;We have proven our strengths, we have proven that as a minimum, we are exactly the same as you are.&lt;br&gt;So, do prove that you are with us, do prove that you will not let us go, do prove that you are indeed Europeans, and then life will win over death, and light will win over darkness.]]

==Quotes==
===2019===
====Summer 2019====
* ''Спочатку всією країною ми довели, що маємо гідність. Не побоялися водометів і кийків. А дехто не побоявся і снайперських куль. Тоді всією країною ми дізналися, що сотня може бути небесною. А згодом на нашу землю прийшла війна. Яку ми зустріли всією країною.''
** [https://www.ukrinform.ua/rubric-society/2766331-promova-zelenskogo-z-nagodi-28i-ricnici-nezaleznosti-ukraini.html Speech by Zelensky during the celebration of Independence Day of Ukraine] (24 August 2019)
*** Transliteration: Spochatku vsiyeyu krayinoyu my dovely, shcho mayemo hidnistʹ. Ne poboyalysya vodometiv i kyykiv. A dekhto ne poboyavsya i snaypersʹkykh kulʹ. Todi vsiyeyu krayinoyu my diznalysya, shcho sotnya mozhe buty nebesnoyu. A z·hodom na nashu zemlyu pryyshla viyna. Yaku my zustrily vsiyeyu krayinoyu.
*** Translation: Throughout the country, we have proven that we have dignity. We were not afraid of water cannons and batons when they came. And some were not afraid of sniper bullets. Then across the country, we learnt what the Heavenly Hundred is. And then war came to our land, and the whole country faced it.

* ''Кожен мій ранок починається з sms-повідомлення. Це sms від Генерального штабу. За минулу добу обстрілів – сім, втрат – дві. Цифри можуть бути різними, але тільки одна робить ранок добрим. Це – нуль. Обстрілів – нуль. Втрат – нуль.''
** [https://www.ukrinform.ua/rubric-society/2766331-promova-zelenskogo-z-nagodi-28i-ricnici-nezaleznosti-ukraini.html Speech by Zelensky during the celebration of Independence Day of Ukraine] (24 August 2019)
*** Transliteration: Kozhen miy ranok pochynayetʹsya z sms-povidomlennya. Tse sms vid Heneralʹnoho shtabu. Za mynulu dobu obstriliv – sim, vtrat – dvi. Tsyfry mozhutʹ buty riznymy, ale tilʹky odna robytʹ ranok dobrym. Tse – nulʹ. Obstriliv – nulʹ. Vtrat – nulʹ.
*** Translation: Every morning my day begins with an SMS from the General Staff. Over the past 24 hours there were 7 occasions of shelling and two casualties. Figures may vary, but only one figure makes the morning good. It is zero. The shelling is zero. The loss is zero.

====Autumn 2019====
* '''In today's world, where we live, there is no longer someone else’s war. None of you can feel safe when there is a war in Ukraine, when there is a war in [[Europe]].&lt;br&gt;You can't think of the global and close your eyes to the details.&lt;br&gt;Only one thing remains unchanged: contradictions between nations and states are still resolved not by words, but by missiles. Not by word. But by [[war]].'''
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/vistup-prezidenta-ukrayini-volodimira-zelenskogo-na-zagalnih-57477 Zelensky’s speech at the UN General Assembly] (25 September 2019)

* '''[[Politics]] is like bad cinema — people overact, take it too far. When I speak with politicians, I see this in their facial expressions, their eyes, the way they squint. I look at things like a producer. I would often watch a scene on the monitor, and the director and I would yell, ‘Stop, no more, this is unwatchable! No one will believe this.’''' 
** [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/11/04/how-trumps-emissaries-put-pressure-on-ukraines-new-president Joshua Yaffa, &quot;The Swamp&quot; – interview in The New Yorker]  (4 November 2019)

===2020===
* Unless we make these difficult and unpopular decisions, there will be no economic growth or job creation.
**[https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-polytics/2859479-zelensky-we-are-ready-for-ratings-going-down-due-to-unpopular-reforms.html  interview to NewsWeek] (20 January 2020)

===2021===
*I will personally do everything possible to return Crimea so that it becomes part of Europe together with Ukraine.
**23 August 2021 article https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2021/8/23/ukraines-president-pledges-to-return-russia-annexed-crimea Ukraine’s president pledges to ‘return’ Russia-annexed Crimea]

===2022===
[[File:Ukraine (51906094792).jpg|thumb|[[Freedom]] must be armed no worse than [[tyranny]].]]
[[File:Mutually closed airspace 20220301.svg|thumb|Let Moscow not forget that [[w:International sanctions during the Russo-Ukrainian War|the sanctions policy will only be continued and intensified]]. As long as there is no [[peace]] — sanctions are [[needed]]. Until [[Russia]] begins to invest as sincerely in the search for peace as it invests in the destruction of [[Ukraine|our state]], sanctions will remain unalterable.]]
[[File:President Volodymyr Zelenskyy addresses the nation following the Bucha Massacre.jpg|thumb|[[Russia]] calls it [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|a &quot;military operation&quot;]], and not a [[war]]. But [[w:Bucha massacre|look what happened in Bucha]]. It's clear that is not even a war. It's a [[genocide]].]]
[[File:The city of Bucha after liberation from the Russians 01.jpg|thumb|They just [[killed]] [[people]], not [[soldiers]], people. They just shot people in the streets. People were riding bicycles, taking the bus, or just walking down the street. There were corpses lying in the streets. These were not soldiers. They were civilians.]]
[[File:Флаг Украины (493523361).jpg|thumb|[[Ukraine]] will be [[Freedom|free]]. … The Ukrainian flag will return wherever it should be by right.]]

* Today I initiated a phone call with the president of the [[Russia]]n federation. The result was silence. Though the silence should be in Donbass. That's why I want to address today the people of Russia. I am addressing you not as a [[president]], I am addressing you as a citizen of [[Ukraine]]. More than 2,000 km of the common border is dividing us (between Ukraine and Russia). Along this border your troops are stationed, almost 200,000 [[soldiers]], thousands of military vehicles. Your leaders approved them to make a step forward, to the territory of another country (Ukraine). And this step can be the beginning of a big war on [[Europe]]an continent. We know for sure that we don't need the [[war]]. Not a Cold War, not a hot war. Not a hybrid one. But if we'll be attacked by the troops, if they try to take our country away from us, our [[freedom]], our lives, the lives of our [[children]], we will defend ourselves. Not attack, but defend ourselves. And when you will be attacking us, you will see our faces, not our backs, but our faces. The war is a big disaster, and this disaster has a high price. With every meaning of this word. People lose [[money]], reputation, quality of life, they lose freedom. But the main thing is that people lose their loved ones, they lose themselves. They told you that Ukraine is posing a threat to Russia. It was not the case in the past, not in the present, it's not going to be in the future. You are demanding security guarantees from [[NATO|NATO (The North Atlantic Treaty Organization)]], but we also demand security guarantees. Security for Ukraine from you, from Russia and other guarantees of the Budapest memorandum. But our main goal is [[peace]] in Ukraine and the safety of our people, Ukrainians. For that we are ready to have talks with anybody, including you, in any format, on any platform. The war will deprive (security) guarantees from everybody — nobody will have guarantees of security anymore. Who will suffer the most from it? The people. Who doesn't want it the most? The people! Who can stop it? The people. But are there those people among you? I am sure. I know that they (Russian government) won't show my address on Russian TV, but Russian people have to see it. They need to know the truth, and the truth is that it is time to stop now, before it is too late. And if the Russian leaders don't want to sit with us behind the table for the sake of peace, maybe they will sit behind the table with you. Do Russians want the war? I would like to know the answer. But the answer depends only on you, citizens of the Russian Federation.
** As quoted in &quot;[https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Zelensky%27s_emotional_appeal_to_Russians Zelensky's emotional appeal to Russians]&quot; (24 February 2022)

*On our Zmiinyi Island, defending it to the last, all the border guards died heroically.
** (25 February 2022) quoted [https://www.foxnews.com/world/snake-island-soldiers-russian-warship-heroism-award-posthumous here] regarding the [[wikipedia:attack on Snake Island|attack]] on Snake Island

* '''The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.'''
** February 25, When speaking to an U.S. intelligence official about being offered an evacuation from Kyiv during] [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]], according a reporter from Association Press[https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-business-europe-united-nations-kyiv-6ccba0905f1871992b93712d3585f548 &quot;AP Live updates: Zelenskyy declines US offer to evacuate Kyiv&quot;]; also quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2022/02/26/europe/ukraine-zelensky-evacuation-intl/index.html &quot;Zelensky refuses US offer to evacuate, saying 'I need ammunition, not a ride'&quot;, by Sharon Braithwaite, ''CNN'' (26 February 2022)]

* '''Without you, Ukraine is going to be lonely.'''&lt;br&gt;'''We have proven our strengths, we have proven that as a minimum, we are exactly the same as you are.'''&lt;br&gt;'''So, do prove that you are with us, do prove that you will not let us go, do prove that you are indeed Europeans, and then life will win over death, and light will win over darkness.'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IycwCjg4f8Y During a speech to the European Parliament], also [https://twitter.com/VeraMBergen/status/1499202336245358593 quoted on the cover of ''Time'' magazine]

*This is state terrorism of the Russian Federation.
**[https://thehill.com/policy/international/596245-ukraines-zelensky-calls-for-war-crimes-investigation-over-russian-attack &quot;Ukraine's Zelensky calls for war crimes investigation over Russian attack&quot;], ''The Hill'' (3 March 2022)

* There can be no Russian networks in Europe that split the EU from within, those that are trying to help Russia make as much money as possible even now. Everyone knows very well who in the European Union opposes humanity and common sense, and who does nothing at all to help establish peace in Ukraine. This must stop, and Europe must stop listening to any excuses from officials in Budapest.
**'''[https://counter-currents.com/2022/03/ukraine-what-exactly-is-hungary-being-reproached-for/ Ukraine: What Exactly is Hungary Being Reproached For?]''' (March 29, 2022)

* The war continues. Russia is sending new forces to our land to continue to destroy us, to destroy Ukrainians. We must do more to stop the war! &lt;br/&gt; The first and most important thing is weapons. Freedom must be armed no worse than tyranny.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/promova-prezidenta-ukrayini-volodimira-zelenskogo-v-parlamen-73961 &quot;Speech to the Norwegian Storting&quot; (30 March 2022)]

* There is an ongoing negotiation process. But these are still words. So far no specifics. &lt;br/&gt; There are also other words about the alleged withdrawal of Russian troops from Kyiv and Chernihiv. About the alleged reduction of activity of occupiers in these directions. We know that this is not a withdrawal, but the consequences of exile. Consequences of the work of our defenders. But we also see that at the same time there is an accumulation of Russian troops for new strikes in Donbas. And we are preparing for this. &lt;br/&gt; We do not believe anyone - we do not trust any beautiful verbal constructions. There is a real situation on the battlefield. And now - this is the most important thing. We will not give up anything. And we will fight for every meter of our land, for every our person.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-nichogo-ne-viddamo-i-budemo-borotisya-za-kozhen-metr-nash-73973 &quot;We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person&quot; (30 March 2022)]

* Let Moscow not forget that [[w:International sanctions during the Russo-Ukrainian War|the sanctions policy will only be continued and intensified]]. As long as there is no [[peace]] — sanctions are [[needed]]. Until [[Russia]] begins to invest as sincerely in the search for peace as it invests in the destruction of [[Ukraine|our state]], sanctions will remain unalterable.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-vsi-odnakovo-hochemo-peremogi-ale-poperedu-budut-bitvi-zv-74009 &quot;We all equally want to win, but there will be battles ahead&quot; (1 April 2022)]

* From time immemorial to the [[present]] day, [[mankind]] has been looking for [[heroes]]. People always appreciate heroes. They always support those who are [[brave]]. And always feel who is fighting for the good. [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|During the 50 days of this]] [[war]], [[Ukraine]] became a hero for the whole [[free]] [[world]]. For those who have the [[courage]] to call a spade a spade. For those who are not poisoned by [[propaganda]]. You have all become heroes. All Ukrainian men and women who withstood and do not give up. And who will win. Who will return [[peace]] to Ukraine.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/za-50-dniv-ciyeyi-vijni-ukrayina-stala-geroyem-dlya-vsogo-vi-74329 &quot;During the 50 days of this war, Ukraine became a hero for the whole free world&quot; (14 April 2022)]

* [[Russia]] calls it [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|a &quot;military operation&quot;]], and not a [[war]]. But [[w:Bucha massacre|look what happened in Bucha]]. It's clear that is not even a war. It's a [[genocide]]. &lt;br /&gt; They just [[killed]] [[people]], not [[soldiers]], people. They just shot people in the streets. People were riding bicycles, taking the bus, or just walking down the street. There were corpses lying in the streets. These were not soldiers. They were civilians.  They forced children to watch as they raped their mothers. Then they threw them in a well, or in mass graves. Children. Adults. The elderly.
** As quoted in [https://news.yahoo.com/zelensky-cnn-buzova-152301685.html &quot;Zelensky: 'This is the most horrifying thing I have seen in my life'&quot; by Colin Campbell, ''Yahoo News'' (17 April 2002)]

* We are doing everything to return normal [[life]] to the de-occupied part of our Ukraine. The work of humanitarian offices has already begun in 93% of de-occupied settlements. &lt;br /&gt; We are actively demining the liberated territory. Every day several dozen settlements are added to the list of those where demining has been completed. 69% of de-occupied settlements are again with full-fledged local self-government. We are restoring electricity supply, communications, water supply and gas supply. We are doing everything to return normal medicine, educational services, access to financial institutions. We are restoring roads. &lt;br /&gt; Of course, there is still a lot of work ahead. The occupiers are still on our land and still do not recognize the apparent failure of [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|their so-called operation]]. We still need to fight and direct all efforts to drive the occupiers out. And we will do it. Ukraine will be [[Freedom|free]]. &lt;br /&gt; Kherson, Nova Kakhovka, Melitopol, Berdyansk, Dniprorudne and all other temporarily occupied cities and communities in which the occupiers are now pretending to be &quot;masters&quot; will be liberated. &lt;br /&gt; The Ukrainian flag will return wherever it should be by right. Return with a normal life, which Russia is simply unable to provide even on its own territory.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/she-potribno-voyuvati-j-spryamovuvati-vsi-sili-shob-vignati-74697 &quot;We still need to fight and direct all efforts to drive the occupiers out, and we will do it&quot; (30 April 2022)]

* [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Exactly one hundred days ago we all woke up in a different reality.]] Exactly one hundred days ago, different us woke up. When [[Ukrainians]] are awakened not by the [[sun]]'s rays, but by the explosions of missiles that hit our [[homes]], then completely different Ukrainians wake up. &lt;br /&gt; In 2014, [[Russia]] came to us with one [[word]], with a new word. And this is the word &quot;[[war]]&quot;. On February 24, Russia added another word to it, making the phrase &quot;full-scale war.&quot;
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mir-peremoga-ukrayina-tri-slova-zadlya-yakih-mi-boremosya-pr-75585 &quot;Peace&quot;, &quot;victory&quot;, &quot;Ukraine&quot; - three words we have been fighting for for a hundred days already after eight years (3 June 2022)]

====Forgiveness Sunday address (6 March 2022)====
: &lt;small&gt; As translated in [https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-ato/3422294-president-volodymyr-zelenskys-address-on-situation-in-ukraine.html &quot;President Volodymyr Zelensky's address on situation in Ukraine&quot;, ''Ukrinform'' (7 March 2022)] &lt;/small&gt;

* Ukrainians! &lt;br /&gt; Today is Forgiveness Sunday.&lt;br /&gt; A day when we always apologized. To each other. To all people. To God. &lt;br /&gt; But today, it seems, many have not mentioned this day at all. &lt;br /&gt;Have not mentioned the obligatory words: &quot;Forgive me.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And the obligatory answer: &quot;God forgives, and I forgive.&quot; &lt;br /&gt;These words seem to have lost their meaning today. &lt;br /&gt; At least in part. &lt;br /&gt; After everything we went through. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the destroyed houses. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the missile that our air defense shot down over Okhmatdyt today. And more than five hundred other such missiles that hit our land. All over Ukraine. Hit our people and children. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the shooting of unarmed people. &lt;br /&gt; Destruction of our infrastructure. &lt;br /&gt; We. Will. Not. Forgive. &lt;br /&gt; Hundreds and hundreds of victims. &lt;br /&gt; Thousands and thousands of sufferings. &lt;br /&gt; And God will not forgive. &lt;br /&gt; Not today. Not tomorrow. Never. &lt;br /&gt; And instead of Forgiveness, there will be a Day of Judgment. &lt;br /&gt; I'm sure of it.

* There was a lot of talk about humanitarian corridors.&lt;br&gt;Every day they talked about the opportunity for people to get out of the cities where Russia moved in, the Russian military.&lt;br&gt;I am grateful to every Ukrainian and everyone who stays around to defend our cities, our freedom.&lt;br&gt;But I also know that there are people who really need to flee, who can't stay, and we heard the promise that there will be humanitarian corridors.&lt;br&gt;There are none!&lt;br&gt;Instead of humanitarian corridors, they can only ensure bloody ones.
** Also quoted in [https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-ato/3422262-instead-of-humanitarian-corridors-russian-army-can-only-ensure-bloody-ones-zelensky.html &quot;Instead of humanitarian corridors, Russian army can only ensure bloody ones - Zelensky&quot;, ''Ukrinform&quot; (6 March 2022)]

==== Address to the US Congress (16 March 2022) ====
[[File:Address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy to the US Congress. (51942801840).jpg|thumb| The wars of the past have prompted our predecessors to [[create]] [[institutions]] that should protect us from [[war]], but they unfortunately don’t work. We see it, you see it, so we need new ones, new institutions, new alliances and we offer them.]]
:&lt;small&gt;As translated in [https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2022/03/politics/ukraine-zelensky-congress-speech-annotated/ &quot;Zelensky’s address to Congress, annotated&quot; by Zachary B. Wolf, Curt Merrill and Ji Min Lee, ''CNN'' (16 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag-map of the world.svg|thumb|We propose to create an association U-24 [[united]] for [[peace]], a union of responsible [[countries]] that have the [[strength]] and [[consciousness]] to stop [[conflicts]] immediately, provide all the [[necessary]] [[assistance]] in 24 hours, if necessary, even [[weapons]] if necessary, [[sanctions]], [[humanitarian]] support, [[political]] support, [[finances]], everything you need to keep the [[peace]] and quickly save the [[world]], save [[lives]].]]

* '''Right now the [[destiny]] of our country is being decided. The destiny of our people, whether [[Ukrainians]] will be free, whether they will be able to preserve their [[democracy]].''' [[Russia]] has attacked not just us, not just our land, not just our cities; it went on a brutal offensive against our [[values]], basic [[human]] values. It threw tanks and planes against our freedom, against our right to live freely in our own country choosing our own future.

* Russia has turned the Ukrainian sky into a source of death for thousands of people. Russian troops have already fired nearly 1,000 missiles at Ukraine, countless bombs, they use drones to kill us with precision. This is a terror that Europe has not seen for 80 years and we are asking for our life for an answer to this terror from the whole world.

* Ladies and gentlemen, friends, Ukraine is grateful to the [[United States]] for its overwhelming support, for everything that your government and your people have done for us, for weapons and ammunition for training, for finances, for leadership in the free world, which helps us to pressure the aggressor economically. &lt;br /&gt; I’m grateful to [[Joe Biden|President Biden]] for his personal involvement, for his sincere commitment to the defense of Ukraine and democracy all over the world. I am grateful to you for the resolution which recognizes all those who commit crimes against Ukraine, against the Ukrainian people as war criminals. However, now, it is true in the darkest time for our country, for the whole Europe, I call on you to do more. New packages of sanctions are needed, constantly, every week until the Russian military machine stops.

* We already became part of the anti-war coalition, a big anti-war coalition that unites many countries, dozens of countries, those who reacted in principle to President [[Putin]]’s decision to invade our country, but we need to move on and do more. We need to create new tools to respond quickly and stop the war, the full-scale Russian invasion of Ukraine, which began on February 24th. And it would be fair if it ended in a day, that in 24 hours, that evil would be punished immediately. Today the world does not have such tools. 

* '''The wars of the past have prompted our predecessors to [[create]] [[institutions]] that should protect us from [[war]], but they unfortunately don’t work. We see it, you see it, so we need new ones, new institutions, new alliances and we offer them.''' &lt;br /&gt; We propose to create an association U-24 [[united]] for [[peace]], a union of responsible [[countries]] that have the [[strength]] and [[consciousness]] to stop [[conflicts]] immediately, provide all the [[necessary]] [[assistance]] in 24 hours, if necessary, even [[weapons]] if necessary, [[sanctions]], [[humanitarian]] support, [[political]] support, [[finances]], everything you need to keep the [[peace]] and quickly save the [[world]], save [[lives]].  &lt;br /&gt; In addition, such association, such union would provide assistance to those who are experiencing [[natural disasters]], man-made disasters, who fell victims to humanitarian crisis or epidemic.

*''[Spoken in English]:'' '''Today the Ukrainian people are defending not only Ukraine, we are fighting for the values of Europe and the world ... in the name of the future.''' That’s why today the American people are helping not just Ukraine, but Europe and the world, to keep the planet alive, to keep justice in history. Now I’m almost 45 years old. Today my age stopped when the heart of more than 100 children stopped beating. &lt;br /&gt; I see no sense in life if it cannot stop the deaths. And this is my main issue as the leader of my people, great Ukrainians, and as the leader of my nation, I am addressing the President Biden, you are the leader of the nation, of your great nation. I wish you to be the leader of the world. Being the leader of the world means to be the leader of peace.

==== Signals from the negotiations  (29 March 2022) ====
[[File:Signals from the negotiations can be called positive, but they do not silence the explosion of Russian shells - address by the President of Ukraine. (51970269660).jpg|thumb|The enemy is still in our territory. The shelling of our cities continues. Mariupol is blocked. Missile and air strikes do not stop. This is the reality. These are the facts.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/signali-z-peregovoriv-mozhna-nazvati-pozitivnimi-ale-voni-ne-73937 &quot;Signals from the negotiations can be called positive, but they do not silence the explosion of Russian shells&quot; (29 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm sure you saw the news today that the Russian military command allegedly decided to &quot;reduce hostilities in the directions of Kyiv and Chernihiv.&quot; &lt;br/&gt; Well, the same can be said about Chornobaivka — as if the Russian aviation simply decided to fly less, and the Russian military vehicles — to drive less. I am grateful to all our defenders, to all those who ensure the defense of Kyiv. It is their brave and effective actions that force the enemy to retreat in this direction. &lt;br/&gt; However, we should not lose vigilance. The situation has not become easier. The scale of the challenges has not diminished. The Russian army still has significant potential to continue attacks against our state. They still have a lot of equipment and enough people completely deprived of rights whom they can send to the cauldron of war. &lt;br/&gt;Therefore, we stay alert and do not reduce our defense efforts.

* The enemy is still in our territory. The shelling of our cities continues. Mariupol is blocked. Missile and air strikes do not stop. This is the reality. These are the facts. &lt;br/&gt; That is why the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and all those who have joined the defense of the state are the only guarantee of our survival today. As a nation. As a state. &lt;br/&gt; The guarantee that works.

* Yes, we can call positive the signals we hear from the negotiating platform. But these signals do not silence the explosion of Russian shells. &lt;br/&gt; Of course, we see all the risks. Of course, we see no reason to trust the words of certain representatives of a state that continues to fight for our destruction. Ukrainians are not naive people. Ukrainians have already learned during these 34 days of invasion and over the past eight years of the war in Donbas that only a concrete result can be trusted.

==== &quot;We will not give up anything. And we will fight for every meter of our land&quot; (30 March 2022)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-nichogo-ne-viddamo-i-budemo-borotisya-za-kozhen-metr-nash-73973 &quot;We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person - address by the President of Ukraine&quot;]&lt;/small&gt;
* Yes, there is an ongoing negotiation process. But these are still words. So far no specifics. There are also other words about the alleged withdrawal of Russian troops from Kyiv and Chernihiv. About the alleged reduction of activity of occupiers in these directions. We know that this is not a withdrawal, but the consequences of exile. Consequences of the work of our defenders. But we also see that at the same time there is an accumulation of Russian troops for new strikes in Donbas. And we are preparing for this. 
* We do not believe anyone - we do not trust any beautiful verbal constructions. There is a real situation on the battlefield. 
* '''And now - this is the most important thing. We will not [[Failure|give up]] anything. And we will [[Fighting|fight]] for every meter of our land, for every person.'''

==== Make the war crimes of the Russian military the last manifestation of this evil on earth (3 April 2022) ====
[[File:Working trip of the President of Ukraine to the Kyiv region 62.jpg|thumb|The [[world]] has already seen many [[war crimes]]. At different times. On different continents. But it is time to do everything possible to make [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war crimes of the Russian military]] the last manifestation of such [[evil]] on [[earth]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/chas-zrobiti-vse-shob-voyenni-zlochini-rosijskih-vijskovih-s-74053 &quot;It is time to do everything to make the war crimes of the Russian military the last manifestation of this evil on earth&quot; (3 April 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Today this address will be without greetings. I do not want any extra words. &lt;br/&gt; Presidents do not usually record addresses like this. But today I have to say just that. After [[w:Bucha massacre|what was revealed in Bucha]] and our other cities the occupiers were expelled from. Hundreds of people were killed. Tortured, executed civilians. Corpses on the streets. Mined area. Even the bodies of the dead were mined! &lt;br/&gt; The pervasive consequences of looting. Concentrated evil has come to our land. Murderers. Torturers. Rapists. Looters. Who call themselves the army. And who deserve only death after what they did.

* I want all the leaders of the Russian Federation to see how their orders are being fulfilled. Such orders. Such a fulfillment. And joint responsibility. For these murders, for these tortures, for these arms torn off by explosions that lie on the streets. For shots in the back of the head of tied people. &lt;br/&gt; This is how the Russian state will now be perceived. This is your image. &lt;br/&gt; Your culture and human appearance perished together with the Ukrainian men and women to whom you came.

* The [[world]] has already seen many [[war crimes]]. At different times. On different continents. But it is time to do everything possible to make [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war crimes of the Russian military]] the last manifestation of such [[evil]] on [[earth]].

* We drove the enemy out of several regions. But Russian troops still control the occupied areas of other regions. And after the expulsion of the occupiers, even worse things can be found there. Even more deaths and tortures. Because this is the nature of the Russian military who came to our land. These are bastards who can't do otherwise. And they had such orders. &lt;br/&gt; All partners of Ukraine will be informed in detail about what happened in the temporarily occupied territory of our state. War crimes in Bucha and other cities during the Russian occupation will also be considered by the UN Security Council on Tuesday. &lt;br/&gt; There will definitely be a new package of sanctions against Russia. But I'm sure that's not enough. More conclusions are needed. Not only about Russia, but also about the political behavior that actually allowed this evil to come to our land.

* We see what’s at stake in this war. We see what we are defending. &lt;br/&gt; There are standards of the Ukrainian army - moral and professional. And it is not our army that has to adjust now. These are many other armies that should learn from our military. &lt;br/&gt; And there are standards of the Ukrainian people. And there are standards of the Russian occupiers. This is good and evil. This is Europe and a black hole that wants to tear it all apart and absorb.

* I am sure the time will come and the whole line of the state border of Ukraine will be restored. &lt;br/&gt; And for this to happen sooner, we must all be focused, ready to boldly face evil and respond to every criminal act against Ukraine, against our people, against our freedom. &lt;br/&gt; Evil will be punished. &lt;br/&gt; Glory to Ukraine!

==== We are fighting for a free future and the development of our country (16 April 2022) ====
[[File:Russian bombing of Mariupol.jpg|thumb|[[w:Siege of Mariupol|The situation in Mariupol]] remains as severe as possible. Just inhuman. This is what the [[Russian Federation]] did. Deliberately did. And deliberately continues to [[destroy]] [[cities]]. Russia is deliberately trying to destroy everyone who is there in Mariupol.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-boremosya-zaradi-vilnogo-majbutnogo-ta-rozvitku-nashoyi-k-74393 &quot;We are fighting for a free future and the development of our country&quot;]&lt;/small&gt;

* Today I held a meeting dedicated to the reconstruction of our cities. Of course, this is a huge amount of work. But still less than defending the state in war. Than that we all — all Ukrainians, our army and all our people — are already really doing. So don't be afraid of the scale. &lt;br /&gt; What is important in our project of reconstruction of Ukraine? The task is not only to physically rebuild the houses, apartments, bridges and roads, businesses and social infrastructure that were destroyed by Russian troops. Not just to give people back everything they lost and give them a new foundation in life.

* Everyone in Ukraine has the right to their own housing, their own home or their own apartment. The right to a safe and comfortable living space that will be designed for anyone. &lt;br /&gt; All those whose homes were destroyed by the occupiers, and all those who were waiting in line for many years. All our people who deserve to live in a modern environment. &lt;br /&gt; To implement this project, we are already involving leading architects, the full potential of the state and international support. The participation of companies, partner countries, international donors can be added. I have absolutely no doubt that we will be able to do this. It will be possible not only to restore that was destroyed, but also to restore justice for those whose right to housing has been violated.

* I met today with servicemen of the State Service for Special Communications and Information Protection. I handed over awards. &lt;br /&gt; The contribution of special communications servicemen to our defense, to our path to victory and peace, cannot be overestimated. Their work should be mentioned more often, they should be thanked more loudly. &lt;br /&gt; Since the first day of the war, we have had stable communication both within our country and with Ukraine's partner states. I am sincerely grateful to everyone who provides it!

* [[w:Siege of Mariupol|The situation in Mariupol]] remains as severe as possible. Just inhuman. This is what the Russian Federation did. Deliberately did. And deliberately continues to destroy cities. Russia is deliberately trying to destroy everyone who is there in Mariupol. &lt;br /&gt; There are only two ways to influence this. Or the partners will give Ukraine all the necessary heavy weapons, planes, and, without exaggeration, immediately. So that we can reduce the pressure of the occupiers on Mariupol and unblock it. Or — a negotiating path, in which the role of partners should also be decisive. &lt;br /&gt; I want to be heard right now: there has not been a single day since the blockade of Mariupol that we have not sought a solution. Military or diplomatic — anything to save people. But finding this solution is extremely difficult. So far, there is no one hundred percent valid option. This applies to both military options and the negotiation process. &lt;br /&gt; Although we have heard many intentions from those who wanted to help and who really in positions of international influence, none of them have been realized yet. However, we will not abandon these efforts. And every day either I, or Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces Valeriy Zaluzhny, or other military, or head of our negotiating team David Arakhamia — in touch with our defenders of Mariupol. Every day.

==== We, the world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine (18 April 2022)] ====
[[File:Russian military vehicles marked with the V symbol bombed by Ukrainian troops.jpg|thumb| A very large part of the entire Russian army is now focused [[w:Eastern Ukraine offensive|on this offensive]].&lt;br /&gt; No matter how many Russian soldiers are driven there, we will fight. We will defend ourselves.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-svit-ta-istoriya-zaberut-u-rosiyi-znachno-bilshe-nizh-ros-74409 &quot;We, the world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine&quot; (18 April 2022) ] — [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/videos/mi-svit-ta-istoriya-zaberut-u-rosiyi-znachno-bilshe-nizh-ros-2333 video]&lt;/small&gt; 

* The world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine. Every lost life is an argument for Ukrainians and other free nations to perceive Russia exclusively as a threat generation after generation.

* It can now be stated that [[Russian]] troops have begun the battle for Donbas, for which [[w:War in Donbas|they have been preparing for a long time]]. A very large part of the entire Russian army is now focused [[w:Eastern Ukraine offensive|on this offensive]].&lt;br /&gt; No matter how many Russian soldiers are driven there, we will fight. We will defend ourselves. We will do it daily. We will not give up anything Ukrainian, and we do not need what’s not ours.

==== Ukraine is already a full-fledged part of the free world and a united Europe (8 May 2022) ====
[[File:Justin Trudeau, Volodymyr Zelensky (2022-05-08) 48.jpg|thumb|I am grateful to [[Justin Trudeau|Justin]] for visiting our country. Exactly now, exactly on this day. A powerful sign of support and [[faith]] in the [[future]] of our [[people]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/ukrayina-vzhe-povnopravna-chastina-vilnogo-svitu-ta-obyednan-74917 Full text online] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Могила Невідомого солдата з Вічним вогнем Київ Слави парк.JPG|thumb|[[Russia]] has [[forgotten]] everything that was [[important]] to the victors of [[World War II]]. But [[Ukraine]] and the whole free world will remind it.]]

* Today is an important day, very important. For us. For our people. For our freedom. It was here, at the Mariyinsky Palace, that I held talks today with my friend, Prime Minister of [[Canada]] [[Justin Trudeau]]. &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to Justin for visiting our country. Exactly now, exactly on this day. A powerful sign of support and faith in the future of our people.

* For the first time, Ukraine took part in a meeting of G7 leaders. The world's largest democracies. I outlined our vision of what needs to be done for freedom to win and to guarantee Ukraine's security. &lt;br /&gt; I called for increasing sanctions on Russia and creating conditions for Ukraine so that the war ends as soon as possible with the liberation of our land and our people. 

* [[Russia]] has [[forgotten]] everything that was [[important]] to the victors of [[World War II]]. But [[Ukraine]] and the whole free world will remind it. &lt;br /&gt; So that then no one will forget. So that really important words — &quot;never again&quot; — which are repeated all over the free world [[w:Victory Day (9 May)|every year]] on the days of [[remembrance]] of the victims of World War II regain their weight again. &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to all our defenders who are defending and saving Ukraine from [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the modern descendants]] of that old [[evil]]. &lt;br /&gt; ''[[Eternal]] [[glory]] to all our [[heroes]]! Eternal glory to all our warriors! &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to all the [[friends]] of Ukraine and [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; Glory to Ukraine!''

==== Russian war against Ukraine and the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with it (9 August 2022) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/rosijska-vijna-proti-ukrayini-ta-vsiyeyi-vilnoyi-yevropi-poc-76965 &quot;Russian war against Ukraine and the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with it&quot; (9 August 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|thumb|From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is [[Ukraine]], which will be completely free.]] 

* '''We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe.''' Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea.. War. &lt;br /&gt; Perhaps historians will one day determine how many people were killed as a result of Russia's use of Crimea for terror. Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands? From Ukraine and Georgia to Syria and more remote regions.

* '''The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability.''' The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting peace in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its military base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against Ukraine and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its liberation. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the necessary components to the formula of liberation of Crimea.

* '''The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]].''' The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. &lt;br /&gt; And, of course, we pay due attention to the struggle for rights and historical justice for the indigenous peoples of Ukraine — the Crimean Tatar people, Karaites and Krymchaks. Today, on the International Day of the World's Indigenous Peoples, we really have something to say. &lt;br /&gt; Last summer, the fundamental law on indigenous peoples of Ukraine was adopted. This law recognizes the rights of indigenous peoples and representative bodies of indigenous peoples. &lt;!-- &lt;br /&gt; Ukraine is a multinational state. Various national communities have been living on our land for centuries. But most of them have experience of state formation outside of Ukraine. Our state is native to peoples whose national cultures and aspirations were formed in Crimea. Therefore, when we are working for the liberation of the peninsula, we are fighting for the restoration of the territorial integrity of our state and for the return of home to the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. I believe that it will be so. I know that we will return to the Ukrainian Crimea. And I am grateful to all our partners and international organizations that help us in this. --&gt;
  
* '''We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers.''' &lt;br /&gt; Well, the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free.

* '''I thank everyone who defends Ukraine!''' &lt;br /&gt; Eternal glory to all who fight for freedom! &lt;br /&gt; ''Glory to Ukraine!''

==See also==
*[[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis]]
*[[Russia]]
*[[Ukraine]]

==External links==
{{Sister project links|w=Volodymyr Zelenskiy|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Volodymyr Zelensky|commons=Category:Volodymyr Zelensky|n=Volodymyr Zelenskiy|v=no|species=no|d=Q3874799|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}}
* [https://www.president.gov.ua/en Official website ]
* [[Twitter]] [https://twitter.com/ZelenskyyUa account]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Zelensky, Volodymyr}}
[[Category:Political leaders]]
[[Category:Presidents of Ukraine]]
[[Category:Screenwriters]]
[[Category:Film producers]]
[[Category:Actors]]
[[Category:Comedians]]
[[Category:Ukrainian Jews]]
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      <text bytes="46245" xml:space="preserve">[[File:We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person - address by the President of Ukraine. (51972098928).jpg|thumb|And now - this is the most important thing. We will not [[failure|give up]] anything. And we will [[fighting|fight]] for every meter of our land, for every person.]]
'''[[wikipedia:Volodymyr Zelenskyy|Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy]]''' (Ukrainian:Володи́мир Олекса́ндрович Зеле́нський, &lt;small&gt;pronounced&lt;/small&gt; [woloˈdɪmɪr olekˈsɑndrowɪtʃ zeˈlɛnsʲkɪj]; born 25 January 1978) is the 6th and current president of [[Ukraine]] (since 2019). Before entering politics, he was a comedian, actor, screenwriter, film producer, and director.
{{Npov|date=March 2022}}
[[File:Reporter’s Notebook - Thriving Kyiv Becomes Battle Zone, Almost Overnight 02.jpg|thumb|The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.]]
[[File:Apartment block in Kharkiv damaged during Russian invasion.jpg|thumb|In today's world, where we live, there is no longer someone else’s war. None of you can feel safe when there is a war in Ukraine, when there is a war in [[Europe]].&lt;br&gt;You can't think of the global and close your eyes to the details.&lt;br&gt;Only one thing remains unchanged: contradictions between nations and states are still resolved not by words, but by missiles. Not by word. But by [[war]].]]
[[File:Flag of Europe.svg|thumb|Without you, Ukraine is going to be lonely.&lt;br&gt;We have proven our strengths, we have proven that as a minimum, we are exactly the same as you are.&lt;br&gt;So, do prove that you are with us, do prove that you will not let us go, do prove that you are indeed Europeans, and then life will win over death, and light will win over darkness.]]

==Quotes==
===2019===
====Summer 2019====
* ''Спочатку всією країною ми довели, що маємо гідність. Не побоялися водометів і кийків. А дехто не побоявся і снайперських куль. Тоді всією країною ми дізналися, що сотня може бути небесною. А згодом на нашу землю прийшла війна. Яку ми зустріли всією країною.''
** [https://www.ukrinform.ua/rubric-society/2766331-promova-zelenskogo-z-nagodi-28i-ricnici-nezaleznosti-ukraini.html Speech by Zelensky during the celebration of Independence Day of Ukraine] (24 August 2019)
*** Transliteration: Spochatku vsiyeyu krayinoyu my dovely, shcho mayemo hidnistʹ. Ne poboyalysya vodometiv i kyykiv. A dekhto ne poboyavsya i snaypersʹkykh kulʹ. Todi vsiyeyu krayinoyu my diznalysya, shcho sotnya mozhe buty nebesnoyu. A z·hodom na nashu zemlyu pryyshla viyna. Yaku my zustrily vsiyeyu krayinoyu.
*** Translation: Throughout the country, we have proven that we have dignity. We were not afraid of water cannons and batons when they came. And some were not afraid of sniper bullets. Then across the country, we learnt what the Heavenly Hundred is. And then war came to our land, and the whole country faced it.

* ''Кожен мій ранок починається з sms-повідомлення. Це sms від Генерального штабу. За минулу добу обстрілів – сім, втрат – дві. Цифри можуть бути різними, але тільки одна робить ранок добрим. Це – нуль. Обстрілів – нуль. Втрат – нуль.''
** [https://www.ukrinform.ua/rubric-society/2766331-promova-zelenskogo-z-nagodi-28i-ricnici-nezaleznosti-ukraini.html Speech by Zelensky during the celebration of Independence Day of Ukraine] (24 August 2019)
*** Transliteration: Kozhen miy ranok pochynayetʹsya z sms-povidomlennya. Tse sms vid Heneralʹnoho shtabu. Za mynulu dobu obstriliv – sim, vtrat – dvi. Tsyfry mozhutʹ buty riznymy, ale tilʹky odna robytʹ ranok dobrym. Tse – nulʹ. Obstriliv – nulʹ. Vtrat – nulʹ.
*** Translation: Every morning my day begins with an SMS from the General Staff. Over the past 24 hours there were 7 occasions of shelling and two casualties. Figures may vary, but only one figure makes the morning good. It is zero. The shelling is zero. The loss is zero.

====Autumn 2019====
* '''In today's world, where we live, there is no longer someone else’s war. None of you can feel safe when there is a war in Ukraine, when there is a war in [[Europe]].&lt;br&gt;You can't think of the global and close your eyes to the details.&lt;br&gt;Only one thing remains unchanged: contradictions between nations and states are still resolved not by words, but by missiles. Not by word. But by [[war]].'''
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/vistup-prezidenta-ukrayini-volodimira-zelenskogo-na-zagalnih-57477 Zelensky’s speech at the UN General Assembly] (25 September 2019)

* '''[[Politics]] is like bad cinema — people overact, take it too far. When I speak with politicians, I see this in their facial expressions, their eyes, the way they squint. I look at things like a producer. I would often watch a scene on the monitor, and the director and I would yell, ‘Stop, no more, this is unwatchable! No one will believe this.’''' 
** [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/11/04/how-trumps-emissaries-put-pressure-on-ukraines-new-president Joshua Yaffa, &quot;The Swamp&quot; – interview in The New Yorker]  (4 November 2019)

===2020===
* Unless we make these difficult and unpopular decisions, there will be no economic growth or job creation.
**[https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-polytics/2859479-zelensky-we-are-ready-for-ratings-going-down-due-to-unpopular-reforms.html  interview to NewsWeek] (20 January 2020)

===2021===
*I will personally do everything possible to return Crimea so that it becomes part of Europe together with Ukraine.
**23 August 2021 article https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2021/8/23/ukraines-president-pledges-to-return-russia-annexed-crimea Ukraine’s president pledges to ‘return’ Russia-annexed Crimea]

===2022===
[[File:Ukraine (51906094792).jpg|thumb|[[Freedom]] must be armed no worse than [[tyranny]].]]
[[File:Mutually closed airspace 20220301.svg|thumb|Let Moscow not forget that [[w:International sanctions during the Russo-Ukrainian War|the sanctions policy will only be continued and intensified]]. As long as there is no [[peace]] — sanctions are [[needed]]. Until [[Russia]] begins to invest as sincerely in the search for peace as it invests in the destruction of [[Ukraine|our state]], sanctions will remain unalterable.]]
[[File:President Volodymyr Zelenskyy addresses the nation following the Bucha Massacre.jpg|thumb|[[Russia]] calls it [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|a &quot;military operation&quot;]], and not a [[war]]. But [[w:Bucha massacre|look what happened in Bucha]]. It's clear that is not even a war. It's a [[genocide]].]]
[[File:The city of Bucha after liberation from the Russians 01.jpg|thumb|They just [[killed]] [[people]], not [[soldiers]], people. They just shot people in the streets. People were riding bicycles, taking the bus, or just walking down the street. There were corpses lying in the streets. These were not soldiers. They were civilians.]]
[[File:Флаг Украины (493523361).jpg|thumb|[[Ukraine]] will be [[Freedom|free]]. … The Ukrainian flag will return wherever it should be by right.]]

* Today I initiated a phone call with the president of the [[Russia]]n federation. The result was silence. Though the silence should be in Donbass. That's why I want to address today the people of Russia. I am addressing you not as a [[president]], I am addressing you as a citizen of [[Ukraine]]. More than 2,000 km of the common border is dividing us (between Ukraine and Russia). Along this border your troops are stationed, almost 200,000 [[soldiers]], thousands of military vehicles. Your leaders approved them to make a step forward, to the territory of another country (Ukraine). And this step can be the beginning of a big war on [[Europe]]an continent. We know for sure that we don't need the [[war]]. Not a Cold War, not a hot war. Not a hybrid one. But if we'll be attacked by the troops, if they try to take our country away from us, our [[freedom]], our lives, the lives of our [[children]], we will defend ourselves. Not attack, but defend ourselves. And when you will be attacking us, you will see our faces, not our backs, but our faces. The war is a big disaster, and this disaster has a high price. With every meaning of this word. People lose [[money]], reputation, quality of life, they lose freedom. But the main thing is that people lose their loved ones, they lose themselves. They told you that Ukraine is posing a threat to Russia. It was not the case in the past, not in the present, it's not going to be in the future. You are demanding security guarantees from [[NATO|NATO (The North Atlantic Treaty Organization)]], but we also demand security guarantees. Security for Ukraine from you, from Russia and other guarantees of the Budapest memorandum. But our main goal is [[peace]] in Ukraine and the safety of our people, Ukrainians. For that we are ready to have talks with anybody, including you, in any format, on any platform. The war will deprive (security) guarantees from everybody — nobody will have guarantees of security anymore. Who will suffer the most from it? The people. Who doesn't want it the most? The people! Who can stop it? The people. But are there those people among you? I am sure. I know that they (Russian government) won't show my address on Russian TV, but Russian people have to see it. They need to know the truth, and the truth is that it is time to stop now, before it is too late. And if the Russian leaders don't want to sit with us behind the table for the sake of peace, maybe they will sit behind the table with you. Do Russians want the war? I would like to know the answer. But the answer depends only on you, citizens of the Russian Federation.
** As quoted in &quot;[https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Zelensky%27s_emotional_appeal_to_Russians Zelensky's emotional appeal to Russians]&quot; (24 February 2022)

*On our Zmiinyi Island, defending it to the last, all the border guards died heroically.
** (25 February 2022) quoted [https://www.foxnews.com/world/snake-island-soldiers-russian-warship-heroism-award-posthumous here] regarding the [[wikipedia:attack on Snake Island|attack]] on Snake Island

* '''The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.'''
** February 25, When speaking to an U.S. intelligence official about being offered an evacuation from Kyiv during] [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]], according a reporter from Association Press[https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-business-europe-united-nations-kyiv-6ccba0905f1871992b93712d3585f548 &quot;AP Live updates: Zelenskyy declines US offer to evacuate Kyiv&quot;]; also quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2022/02/26/europe/ukraine-zelensky-evacuation-intl/index.html &quot;Zelensky refuses US offer to evacuate, saying 'I need ammunition, not a ride'&quot;, by Sharon Braithwaite, ''CNN'' (26 February 2022)]

* '''Without you, Ukraine is going to be lonely.'''&lt;br&gt;'''We have proven our strengths, we have proven that as a minimum, we are exactly the same as you are.'''&lt;br&gt;'''So, do prove that you are with us, do prove that you will not let us go, do prove that you are indeed Europeans, and then life will win over death, and light will win over darkness.'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IycwCjg4f8Y During a speech to the European Parliament], also [https://twitter.com/VeraMBergen/status/1499202336245358593 quoted on the cover of ''Time'' magazine]

*This is state terrorism of the Russian Federation.
**[https://thehill.com/policy/international/596245-ukraines-zelensky-calls-for-war-crimes-investigation-over-russian-attack &quot;Ukraine's Zelensky calls for war crimes investigation over Russian attack&quot;], ''The Hill'' (3 March 2022)

* There can be no Russian networks in Europe that split the EU from within, those that are trying to help Russia make as much money as possible even now. Everyone knows very well who in the European Union opposes humanity and common sense, and who does nothing at all to help establish peace in Ukraine. This must stop, and Europe must stop listening to any excuses from officials in Budapest.
**'''[https://counter-currents.com/2022/03/ukraine-what-exactly-is-hungary-being-reproached-for/ Ukraine: What Exactly is Hungary Being Reproached For?]''' (March 29, 2022)

* The war continues. Russia is sending new forces to our land to continue to destroy us, to destroy Ukrainians. We must do more to stop the war! &lt;br/&gt; The first and most important thing is weapons. Freedom must be armed no worse than tyranny.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/promova-prezidenta-ukrayini-volodimira-zelenskogo-v-parlamen-73961 &quot;Speech to the Norwegian Storting&quot; (30 March 2022)]

* There is an ongoing negotiation process. But these are still words. So far no specifics. &lt;br/&gt; There are also other words about the alleged withdrawal of Russian troops from Kyiv and Chernihiv. About the alleged reduction of activity of occupiers in these directions. We know that this is not a withdrawal, but the consequences of exile. Consequences of the work of our defenders. But we also see that at the same time there is an accumulation of Russian troops for new strikes in Donbas. And we are preparing for this. &lt;br/&gt; We do not believe anyone - we do not trust any beautiful verbal constructions. There is a real situation on the battlefield. And now - this is the most important thing. We will not give up anything. And we will fight for every meter of our land, for every our person.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-nichogo-ne-viddamo-i-budemo-borotisya-za-kozhen-metr-nash-73973 &quot;We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person&quot; (30 March 2022)]

* Let Moscow not forget that [[w:International sanctions during the Russo-Ukrainian War|the sanctions policy will only be continued and intensified]]. As long as there is no [[peace]] — sanctions are [[needed]]. Until [[Russia]] begins to invest as sincerely in the search for peace as it invests in the destruction of [[Ukraine|our state]], sanctions will remain unalterable.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-vsi-odnakovo-hochemo-peremogi-ale-poperedu-budut-bitvi-zv-74009 &quot;We all equally want to win, but there will be battles ahead&quot; (1 April 2022)]

* From time immemorial to the [[present]] day, [[mankind]] has been looking for [[heroes]]. People always appreciate heroes. They always support those who are [[brave]]. And always feel who is fighting for the good. [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|During the 50 days of this]] [[war]], [[Ukraine]] became a hero for the whole [[free]] [[world]]. For those who have the [[courage]] to call a spade a spade. For those who are not poisoned by [[propaganda]]. You have all become heroes. All Ukrainian men and women who withstood and do not give up. And who will win. Who will return [[peace]] to Ukraine.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/za-50-dniv-ciyeyi-vijni-ukrayina-stala-geroyem-dlya-vsogo-vi-74329 &quot;During the 50 days of this war, Ukraine became a hero for the whole free world&quot; (14 April 2022)]

* [[Russia]] calls it [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|a &quot;military operation&quot;]], and not a [[war]]. But [[w:Bucha massacre|look what happened in Bucha]]. It's clear that is not even a war. It's a [[genocide]]. &lt;br /&gt; They just [[killed]] [[people]], not [[soldiers]], people. They just shot people in the streets. People were riding bicycles, taking the bus, or just walking down the street. There were corpses lying in the streets. These were not soldiers. They were civilians.  They forced children to watch as they raped their mothers. Then they threw them in a well, or in mass graves. Children. Adults. The elderly.
** As quoted in [https://news.yahoo.com/zelensky-cnn-buzova-152301685.html &quot;Zelensky: 'This is the most horrifying thing I have seen in my life'&quot; by Colin Campbell, ''Yahoo News'' (17 April 2002)]

* We are doing everything to return normal [[life]] to the de-occupied part of our Ukraine. The work of humanitarian offices has already begun in 93% of de-occupied settlements. &lt;br /&gt; We are actively demining the liberated territory. Every day several dozen settlements are added to the list of those where demining has been completed. 69% of de-occupied settlements are again with full-fledged local self-government. We are restoring electricity supply, communications, water supply and gas supply. We are doing everything to return normal medicine, educational services, access to financial institutions. We are restoring roads. &lt;br /&gt; Of course, there is still a lot of work ahead. The occupiers are still on our land and still do not recognize the apparent failure of [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|their so-called operation]]. We still need to fight and direct all efforts to drive the occupiers out. And we will do it. Ukraine will be [[Freedom|free]]. &lt;br /&gt; Kherson, Nova Kakhovka, Melitopol, Berdyansk, Dniprorudne and all other temporarily occupied cities and communities in which the occupiers are now pretending to be &quot;masters&quot; will be liberated. &lt;br /&gt; The Ukrainian flag will return wherever it should be by right. Return with a normal life, which Russia is simply unable to provide even on its own territory.
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/she-potribno-voyuvati-j-spryamovuvati-vsi-sili-shob-vignati-74697 &quot;We still need to fight and direct all efforts to drive the occupiers out, and we will do it&quot; (30 April 2022)]

* [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Exactly one hundred days ago we all woke up in a different reality.]] Exactly one hundred days ago, different us woke up. When [[Ukrainians]] are awakened not by the [[sun]]'s rays, but by the explosions of missiles that hit our [[homes]], then completely different Ukrainians wake up. &lt;br /&gt; In 2014, [[Russia]] came to us with one [[word]], with a new word. And this is the word &quot;[[war]]&quot;. On February 24, Russia added another word to it, making the phrase &quot;full-scale war.&quot;
** [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mir-peremoga-ukrayina-tri-slova-zadlya-yakih-mi-boremosya-pr-75585 &quot;Peace&quot;, &quot;victory&quot;, &quot;Ukraine&quot; - three words we have been fighting for for a hundred days already after eight years (3 June 2022)]

====Forgiveness Sunday address (6 March 2022)====
: &lt;small&gt; As translated in [https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-ato/3422294-president-volodymyr-zelenskys-address-on-situation-in-ukraine.html &quot;President Volodymyr Zelensky's address on situation in Ukraine&quot;, ''Ukrinform'' (7 March 2022)] &lt;/small&gt;

* Ukrainians! &lt;br /&gt; Today is Forgiveness Sunday.&lt;br /&gt; A day when we always apologized. To each other. To all people. To God. &lt;br /&gt; But today, it seems, many have not mentioned this day at all. &lt;br /&gt;Have not mentioned the obligatory words: &quot;Forgive me.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And the obligatory answer: &quot;God forgives, and I forgive.&quot; &lt;br /&gt;These words seem to have lost their meaning today. &lt;br /&gt; At least in part. &lt;br /&gt; After everything we went through. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the destroyed houses. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the missile that our air defense shot down over Okhmatdyt today. And more than five hundred other such missiles that hit our land. All over Ukraine. Hit our people and children. &lt;br /&gt; We will not forgive the shooting of unarmed people. &lt;br /&gt; Destruction of our infrastructure. &lt;br /&gt; We. Will. Not. Forgive. &lt;br /&gt; Hundreds and hundreds of victims. &lt;br /&gt; Thousands and thousands of sufferings. &lt;br /&gt; And God will not forgive. &lt;br /&gt; Not today. Not tomorrow. Never. &lt;br /&gt; And instead of Forgiveness, there will be a Day of Judgment. &lt;br /&gt; I'm sure of it.

* There was a lot of talk about humanitarian corridors.&lt;br&gt;Every day they talked about the opportunity for people to get out of the cities where Russia moved in, the Russian military.&lt;br&gt;I am grateful to every Ukrainian and everyone who stays around to defend our cities, our freedom.&lt;br&gt;But I also know that there are people who really need to flee, who can't stay, and we heard the promise that there will be humanitarian corridors.&lt;br&gt;There are none!&lt;br&gt;Instead of humanitarian corridors, they can only ensure bloody ones.
** Also quoted in [https://www.ukrinform.net/rubric-ato/3422262-instead-of-humanitarian-corridors-russian-army-can-only-ensure-bloody-ones-zelensky.html &quot;Instead of humanitarian corridors, Russian army can only ensure bloody ones - Zelensky&quot;, ''Ukrinform&quot; (6 March 2022)]

==== Address to the US Congress (16 March 2022) ====
[[File:Address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy to the US Congress. (51942801840).jpg|thumb| The wars of the past have prompted our predecessors to [[create]] [[institutions]] that should protect us from [[war]], but they unfortunately don’t work. We see it, you see it, so we need new ones, new institutions, new alliances and we offer them.]]
:&lt;small&gt;As translated in [https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2022/03/politics/ukraine-zelensky-congress-speech-annotated/ &quot;Zelensky’s address to Congress, annotated&quot; by Zachary B. Wolf, Curt Merrill and Ji Min Lee, ''CNN'' (16 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag-map of the world.svg|thumb|We propose to create an association U-24 [[united]] for [[peace]], a union of responsible [[countries]] that have the [[strength]] and [[consciousness]] to stop [[conflicts]] immediately, provide all the [[necessary]] [[assistance]] in 24 hours, if necessary, even [[weapons]] if necessary, [[sanctions]], [[humanitarian]] support, [[political]] support, [[finances]], everything you need to keep the [[peace]] and quickly save the [[world]], save [[lives]].]]

* '''Right now the [[destiny]] of our country is being decided. The destiny of our people, whether [[Ukrainians]] will be free, whether they will be able to preserve their [[democracy]].''' [[Russia]] has attacked not just us, not just our land, not just our cities; it went on a brutal offensive against our [[values]], basic [[human]] values. It threw tanks and planes against our freedom, against our right to live freely in our own country choosing our own future.

* Russia has turned the Ukrainian sky into a source of death for thousands of people. Russian troops have already fired nearly 1,000 missiles at Ukraine, countless bombs, they use drones to kill us with precision. This is a terror that Europe has not seen for 80 years and we are asking for our life for an answer to this terror from the whole world.

* Ladies and gentlemen, friends, Ukraine is grateful to the [[United States]] for its overwhelming support, for everything that your government and your people have done for us, for weapons and ammunition for training, for finances, for leadership in the free world, which helps us to pressure the aggressor economically. &lt;br /&gt; I’m grateful to [[Joe Biden|President Biden]] for his personal involvement, for his sincere commitment to the defense of Ukraine and democracy all over the world. I am grateful to you for the resolution which recognizes all those who commit crimes against Ukraine, against the Ukrainian people as war criminals. However, now, it is true in the darkest time for our country, for the whole Europe, I call on you to do more. New packages of sanctions are needed, constantly, every week until the Russian military machine stops.

* We already became part of the anti-war coalition, a big anti-war coalition that unites many countries, dozens of countries, those who reacted in principle to President [[Putin]]’s decision to invade our country, but we need to move on and do more. We need to create new tools to respond quickly and stop the war, the full-scale Russian invasion of Ukraine, which began on February 24th. And it would be fair if it ended in a day, that in 24 hours, that evil would be punished immediately. Today the world does not have such tools. 

* '''The wars of the past have prompted our predecessors to [[create]] [[institutions]] that should protect us from [[war]], but they unfortunately don’t work. We see it, you see it, so we need new ones, new institutions, new alliances and we offer them.''' &lt;br /&gt; We propose to create an association U-24 [[united]] for [[peace]], a union of responsible [[countries]] that have the [[strength]] and [[consciousness]] to stop [[conflicts]] immediately, provide all the [[necessary]] [[assistance]] in 24 hours, if necessary, even [[weapons]] if necessary, [[sanctions]], [[humanitarian]] support, [[political]] support, [[finances]], everything you need to keep the [[peace]] and quickly save the [[world]], save [[lives]].  &lt;br /&gt; In addition, such association, such union would provide assistance to those who are experiencing [[natural disasters]], man-made disasters, who fell victims to humanitarian crisis or epidemic.

*''[Spoken in English]:'' '''Today the Ukrainian people are defending not only Ukraine, we are fighting for the values of Europe and the world ... in the name of the future.''' That’s why today the American people are helping not just Ukraine, but Europe and the world, to keep the planet alive, to keep justice in history. Now I’m almost 45 years old. Today my age stopped when the heart of more than 100 children stopped beating. &lt;br /&gt; I see no sense in life if it cannot stop the deaths. And this is my main issue as the leader of my people, great Ukrainians, and as the leader of my nation, I am addressing the President Biden, you are the leader of the nation, of your great nation. I wish you to be the leader of the world. Being the leader of the world means to be the leader of peace.

==== Signals from the negotiations  (29 March 2022) ====
[[File:Signals from the negotiations can be called positive, but they do not silence the explosion of Russian shells - address by the President of Ukraine. (51970269660).jpg|thumb|The enemy is still in our territory. The shelling of our cities continues. Mariupol is blocked. Missile and air strikes do not stop. This is the reality. These are the facts.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/signali-z-peregovoriv-mozhna-nazvati-pozitivnimi-ale-voni-ne-73937 &quot;Signals from the negotiations can be called positive, but they do not silence the explosion of Russian shells&quot; (29 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm sure you saw the news today that the Russian military command allegedly decided to &quot;reduce hostilities in the directions of Kyiv and Chernihiv.&quot; &lt;br/&gt; Well, the same can be said about Chornobaivka — as if the Russian aviation simply decided to fly less, and the Russian military vehicles — to drive less. I am grateful to all our defenders, to all those who ensure the defense of Kyiv. It is their brave and effective actions that force the enemy to retreat in this direction. &lt;br/&gt; However, we should not lose vigilance. The situation has not become easier. The scale of the challenges has not diminished. The Russian army still has significant potential to continue attacks against our state. They still have a lot of equipment and enough people completely deprived of rights whom they can send to the cauldron of war. &lt;br/&gt;Therefore, we stay alert and do not reduce our defense efforts.

* The enemy is still in our territory. The shelling of our cities continues. Mariupol is blocked. Missile and air strikes do not stop. This is the reality. These are the facts. &lt;br/&gt; That is why the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and all those who have joined the defense of the state are the only guarantee of our survival today. As a nation. As a state. &lt;br/&gt; The guarantee that works.

* Yes, we can call positive the signals we hear from the negotiating platform. But these signals do not silence the explosion of Russian shells. &lt;br/&gt; Of course, we see all the risks. Of course, we see no reason to trust the words of certain representatives of a state that continues to fight for our destruction. Ukrainians are not naive people. Ukrainians have already learned during these 34 days of invasion and over the past eight years of the war in Donbas that only a concrete result can be trusted.

==== &quot;We will not give up anything. And we will fight for every meter of our land&quot; (30 March 2022)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-nichogo-ne-viddamo-i-budemo-borotisya-za-kozhen-metr-nash-73973 &quot;We will not give up anything and will fight for every meter of our land, for every person - address by the President of Ukraine&quot;]&lt;/small&gt;
* Yes, there is an ongoing negotiation process. But these are still words. So far no specifics. There are also other words about the alleged withdrawal of Russian troops from Kyiv and Chernihiv. About the alleged reduction of activity of occupiers in these directions. We know that this is not a withdrawal, but the consequences of exile. Consequences of the work of our defenders. But we also see that at the same time there is an accumulation of Russian troops for new strikes in Donbas. And we are preparing for this. 
* We do not believe anyone - we do not trust any beautiful verbal constructions. There is a real situation on the battlefield. 
* '''And now - this is the most important thing. We will not [[Failure|give up]] anything. And we will [[Fighting|fight]] for every meter of our land, for every person.'''

==== Make the war crimes of the Russian military the last manifestation of this evil on earth (3 April 2022) ====
[[File:Working trip of the President of Ukraine to the Kyiv region 62.jpg|thumb|The [[world]] has already seen many [[war crimes]]. At different times. On different continents. But it is time to do everything possible to make [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war crimes of the Russian military]] the last manifestation of such [[evil]] on [[earth]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/chas-zrobiti-vse-shob-voyenni-zlochini-rosijskih-vijskovih-s-74053 &quot;It is time to do everything to make the war crimes of the Russian military the last manifestation of this evil on earth&quot; (3 April 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Today this address will be without greetings. I do not want any extra words. &lt;br/&gt; Presidents do not usually record addresses like this. But today I have to say just that. After [[w:Bucha massacre|what was revealed in Bucha]] and our other cities the occupiers were expelled from. Hundreds of people were killed. Tortured, executed civilians. Corpses on the streets. Mined area. Even the bodies of the dead were mined! &lt;br/&gt; The pervasive consequences of looting. Concentrated evil has come to our land. Murderers. Torturers. Rapists. Looters. Who call themselves the army. And who deserve only death after what they did.

* I want all the leaders of the Russian Federation to see how their orders are being fulfilled. Such orders. Such a fulfillment. And joint responsibility. For these murders, for these tortures, for these arms torn off by explosions that lie on the streets. For shots in the back of the head of tied people. &lt;br/&gt; This is how the Russian state will now be perceived. This is your image. &lt;br/&gt; Your culture and human appearance perished together with the Ukrainian men and women to whom you came.

* The [[world]] has already seen many [[war crimes]]. At different times. On different continents. But it is time to do everything possible to make [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war crimes of the Russian military]] the last manifestation of such [[evil]] on [[earth]].

* We drove the enemy out of several regions. But Russian troops still control the occupied areas of other regions. And after the expulsion of the occupiers, even worse things can be found there. Even more deaths and tortures. Because this is the nature of the Russian military who came to our land. These are bastards who can't do otherwise. And they had such orders. &lt;br/&gt; All partners of Ukraine will be informed in detail about what happened in the temporarily occupied territory of our state. War crimes in Bucha and other cities during the Russian occupation will also be considered by the UN Security Council on Tuesday. &lt;br/&gt; There will definitely be a new package of sanctions against Russia. But I'm sure that's not enough. More conclusions are needed. Not only about Russia, but also about the political behavior that actually allowed this evil to come to our land.

* We see what’s at stake in this war. We see what we are defending. &lt;br/&gt; There are standards of the Ukrainian army - moral and professional. And it is not our army that has to adjust now. These are many other armies that should learn from our military. &lt;br/&gt; And there are standards of the Ukrainian people. And there are standards of the Russian occupiers. This is good and evil. This is Europe and a black hole that wants to tear it all apart and absorb.

* I am sure the time will come and the whole line of the state border of Ukraine will be restored. &lt;br/&gt; And for this to happen sooner, we must all be focused, ready to boldly face evil and respond to every criminal act against Ukraine, against our people, against our freedom. &lt;br/&gt; Evil will be punished. &lt;br/&gt; Glory to Ukraine!

==== We are fighting for a free future and the development of our country (16 April 2022) ====
[[File:Russian bombing of Mariupol.jpg|thumb|[[w:Siege of Mariupol|The situation in Mariupol]] remains as severe as possible. Just inhuman. This is what the [[Russian Federation]] did. Deliberately did. And deliberately continues to [[destroy]] [[cities]]. Russia is deliberately trying to destroy everyone who is there in Mariupol.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-boremosya-zaradi-vilnogo-majbutnogo-ta-rozvitku-nashoyi-k-74393 &quot;We are fighting for a free future and the development of our country&quot;]&lt;/small&gt;

* Today I held a meeting dedicated to the reconstruction of our cities. Of course, this is a huge amount of work. But still less than defending the state in war. Than that we all — all Ukrainians, our army and all our people — are already really doing. So don't be afraid of the scale. &lt;br /&gt; What is important in our project of reconstruction of Ukraine? The task is not only to physically rebuild the houses, apartments, bridges and roads, businesses and social infrastructure that were destroyed by Russian troops. Not just to give people back everything they lost and give them a new foundation in life.

* Everyone in Ukraine has the right to their own housing, their own home or their own apartment. The right to a safe and comfortable living space that will be designed for anyone. &lt;br /&gt; All those whose homes were destroyed by the occupiers, and all those who were waiting in line for many years. All our people who deserve to live in a modern environment. &lt;br /&gt; To implement this project, we are already involving leading architects, the full potential of the state and international support. The participation of companies, partner countries, international donors can be added. I have absolutely no doubt that we will be able to do this. It will be possible not only to restore that was destroyed, but also to restore justice for those whose right to housing has been violated.

* I met today with servicemen of the State Service for Special Communications and Information Protection. I handed over awards. &lt;br /&gt; The contribution of special communications servicemen to our defense, to our path to victory and peace, cannot be overestimated. Their work should be mentioned more often, they should be thanked more loudly. &lt;br /&gt; Since the first day of the war, we have had stable communication both within our country and with Ukraine's partner states. I am sincerely grateful to everyone who provides it!

* [[w:Siege of Mariupol|The situation in Mariupol]] remains as severe as possible. Just inhuman. This is what the Russian Federation did. Deliberately did. And deliberately continues to destroy cities. Russia is deliberately trying to destroy everyone who is there in Mariupol. &lt;br /&gt; There are only two ways to influence this. Or the partners will give Ukraine all the necessary heavy weapons, planes, and, without exaggeration, immediately. So that we can reduce the pressure of the occupiers on Mariupol and unblock it. Or — a negotiating path, in which the role of partners should also be decisive. &lt;br /&gt; I want to be heard right now: there has not been a single day since the blockade of Mariupol that we have not sought a solution. Military or diplomatic — anything to save people. But finding this solution is extremely difficult. So far, there is no one hundred percent valid option. This applies to both military options and the negotiation process. &lt;br /&gt; Although we have heard many intentions from those who wanted to help and who really in positions of international influence, none of them have been realized yet. However, we will not abandon these efforts. And every day either I, or Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces Valeriy Zaluzhny, or other military, or head of our negotiating team David Arakhamia — in touch with our defenders of Mariupol. Every day.

==== We, the world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine (18 April 2022)] ====
[[File:Russian military vehicles marked with the V symbol bombed by Ukrainian troops.jpg|thumb| A very large part of the entire Russian army is now focused [[w:Eastern Ukraine offensive|on this offensive]].&lt;br /&gt; No matter how many Russian soldiers are driven there, we will fight. We will defend ourselves.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/mi-svit-ta-istoriya-zaberut-u-rosiyi-znachno-bilshe-nizh-ros-74409 &quot;We, the world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine&quot; (18 April 2022) ] — [https://www.president.gov.ua/en/videos/mi-svit-ta-istoriya-zaberut-u-rosiyi-znachno-bilshe-nizh-ros-2333 video]&lt;/small&gt; 

* The world and history will take from Russia much more than Russian missiles will take from Ukraine. Every lost life is an argument for Ukrainians and other free nations to perceive Russia exclusively as a threat generation after generation.

* It can now be stated that [[Russian]] troops have begun the battle for Donbas, for which [[w:War in Donbas|they have been preparing for a long time]]. A very large part of the entire Russian army is now focused [[w:Eastern Ukraine offensive|on this offensive]].&lt;br /&gt; No matter how many Russian soldiers are driven there, we will fight. We will defend ourselves. We will do it daily. We will not give up anything Ukrainian, and we do not need what’s not ours.

==== Ukraine is already a full-fledged part of the free world and a united Europe (8 May 2022) ====
[[File:Justin Trudeau, Volodymyr Zelensky (2022-05-08) 48.jpg|thumb|I am grateful to [[Justin Trudeau|Justin]] for visiting our country. Exactly now, exactly on this day. A powerful sign of support and [[faith]] in the [[future]] of our [[people]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/ukrayina-vzhe-povnopravna-chastina-vilnogo-svitu-ta-obyednan-74917 Full text online] &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Могила Невідомого солдата з Вічним вогнем Київ Слави парк.JPG|thumb|[[Russia]] has [[forgotten]] everything that was [[important]] to the victors of [[World War II]]. But [[Ukraine]] and the whole free world will remind it.]]

* Today is an important day, very important. For us. For our people. For our freedom. It was here, at the Mariyinsky Palace, that I held talks today with my friend, Prime Minister of [[Canada]] [[Justin Trudeau]]. &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to Justin for visiting our country. Exactly now, exactly on this day. A powerful sign of support and faith in the future of our people.

* For the first time, Ukraine took part in a meeting of G7 leaders. The world's largest democracies. I outlined our vision of what needs to be done for freedom to win and to guarantee Ukraine's security. &lt;br /&gt; I called for increasing sanctions on Russia and creating conditions for Ukraine so that the war ends as soon as possible with the liberation of our land and our people. 

* [[Russia]] has [[forgotten]] everything that was [[important]] to the victors of [[World War II]]. But [[Ukraine]] and the whole free world will remind it. &lt;br /&gt; So that then no one will forget. So that really important words — &quot;never again&quot; — which are repeated all over the free world [[w:Victory Day (9 May)|every year]] on the days of [[remembrance]] of the victims of World War II regain their weight again. &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to all our defenders who are defending and saving Ukraine from [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|the modern descendants]] of that old [[evil]]. &lt;br /&gt; ''[[Eternal]] [[glory]] to all our [[heroes]]! Eternal glory to all our warriors! &lt;br /&gt; I am grateful to all the [[friends]] of Ukraine and [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; Glory to Ukraine!''

==== Russian war against Ukraine and the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with it (9 August 2022) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.president.gov.ua/en/news/rosijska-vijna-proti-ukrayini-ta-vsiyeyi-vilnoyi-yevropi-poc-76965 &quot;Russian war against Ukraine and the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with it&quot; (9 August 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|thumb|From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is [[Ukraine]], which will be completely free.]] 

* '''We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe.''' Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. War. &lt;br /&gt; Perhaps historians will one day determine how many people were killed as a result of Russia's use of Crimea for terror. Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands? From Ukraine and Georgia to Syria and more remote regions.

* '''The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability.''' The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting peace in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its military base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against Ukraine and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its liberation. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the necessary components to the formula of liberation of Crimea.

* '''The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]].''' The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. &lt;br /&gt; And, of course, we pay due attention to the struggle for rights and historical justice for the indigenous peoples of Ukraine — the Crimean Tatar people, Karaites and Krymchaks. Today, on the International Day of the World's Indigenous Peoples, we really have something to say. &lt;br /&gt; Last summer, the fundamental law on indigenous peoples of Ukraine was adopted. This law recognizes the rights of indigenous peoples and representative bodies of indigenous peoples. &lt;!-- &lt;br /&gt; Ukraine is a multinational state. Various national communities have been living on our land for centuries. But most of them have experience of state formation outside of Ukraine. Our state is native to peoples whose national cultures and aspirations were formed in Crimea. Therefore, when we are working for the liberation of the peninsula, we are fighting for the restoration of the territorial integrity of our state and for the return of home to the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. I believe that it will be so. I know that we will return to the Ukrainian Crimea. And I am grateful to all our partners and international organizations that help us in this. --&gt;
  
* '''We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers.''' &lt;br /&gt; Well, the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free.

* '''I thank everyone who defends Ukraine!''' &lt;br /&gt; Eternal glory to all who fight for freedom! &lt;br /&gt; ''Glory to Ukraine!''

==See also==
*[[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis]]
*[[Russia]]
*[[Ukraine]]

==External links==
{{Sister project links|w=Volodymyr Zelenskiy|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Volodymyr Zelensky|commons=Category:Volodymyr Zelensky|n=Volodymyr Zelenskiy|v=no|species=no|d=Q3874799|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}}
* [https://www.president.gov.ua/en Official website ]
* [[Twitter]] [https://twitter.com/ZelenskyyUa account]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Zelensky, Volodymyr}}
[[Category:Political leaders]]
[[Category:Presidents of Ukraine]]
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[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>227289</id>
    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:09:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.21.122.118</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle [1.8] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="60310" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]]  | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

===Trouble At School / Visit The Dentist [1.1]===
:''[first lines of the series]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble at School]'' '''''&quot;When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow until a cub thinks everything is wrong!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister --after bringing Brother a folder of make-up math homework-- sees Brother still playing with his dinosaur models. Brother --refusing to do it-- still plays with his dinosaur collection. He has four giant --large-- models of dinosaurs. On his bed, there is a toy Brachiosaurus, a toy Stegosaurus, a toy Triceratops, and a toy Tyrannosaurus Rex.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother]'' If you can hold a (model) dinosaur, you can hold a pencil!
:''[While Brother had been having fun at home and not working, his fellow student cubs had been hard on work. In math, Brother's students were learning about a new math lesson. They learned about addition and subtraction --perhaps to double digit addition and subtraction through 99, three digit addition and subtraction through 999, and four digit addition and subtraction through 9,999. Now --finished with addition and subtraction-- they were learning about multiplication and division. Indeed, they learned multiplication and division. They learned multiplication and division facts through 9. Brother is supposed to be studying his multiplication and division problems on the math homework for the division quiz. He has not studied the work folder of math homework --of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division-- since Monday. His math homework was about multiplication and division. And he has fallen behind with his math homework since Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Before the division quiz starts]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': If you all take your seats, we can all get started on the math test (the division quiz). 
:''[Teacher Bob certainly hopes that Brother practiced and studied the math folder. Because today is the division quiz. The division quiz is about division facts through 9.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to the other student cubs]'' Goodbye, kids. See you tomorrow. (Remember, anyone with four or more mistakes must go home, have your parents sign the test, and study all weekend. And you can retake the division quiz on Monday.)
:''[Every cub in Teacher Bob's class did great on the division quiz except Brother who got every division problem wrong. Even though most of the students did great --and got good grades like an &quot;A&quot;, &quot;B&quot;, or &quot;C&quot;-- there was one &quot;F&quot; and that was Brother]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh oh...! This can't be good...!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I'm afraid it isn't, Brother!
:''[Teacher Bob then reveals the division quiz. Not only did Brother get all eighty one questions wrong on the division quiz. But also, Teacher Bob marked Brother a zero. Brother sees the zero on his division test. There is a big, fat number &quot;0&quot; on the test. He also catches sight of the phrase on it. Teacher Bob wrote on the division quiz, &quot;VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!&quot;.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''A &quot;ZERO&quot; (0)!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Teacher Bob asks Brother if he studied.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': Didn't you study the math worksheets which I sent home with your sister?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[tries to talk in between coughs]'' Well, I was pretty sick. It took a lot out of me --including that flu bug. 
:'''Teacher Bob''': Hmmm?
:'''Brother Bear''': But I think I should be okay now. And I cannot wait to get those work sheets done!
:'''Teacher Bob''': I am happy to hear that.
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh, well. I better go and catch the bus.
:''[Before Brother heads off for the bus, Teacher Bob talks to him about the division test which he got a zero for.]''
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[to Brother]'' Oh, one more thing. Please have your parents sign the division quiz and turn it in again tomorrow.
:''[What Teacher Bob means by that is, he means to tell Brother that his parents must sign the test. Then Brother must study all weekend and he can retake the division quiz on Monday.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother looks at his test which was about division --which was about division facts 0 through 9.]''
:'''Brother Bear''':  Even the flu is worse than this!
:''[Mama and Papa are busy taking care of Sister and they do not notice Brother's division quiz where he got a great big zero on]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[thinks out loud that he doesn't like school, soccer, and division]'' &lt;big&gt;'''PHOOEY ON SCHOOL! PHOOEY ON MATH (MULTIPLICATION AND DIVISION)! PHOOEY ON EVERYTHING!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother folds his division quiz into a paper airplane and sails it out so neither him nor his family can see it and it lands near an old log]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to Gramps and Gran's dining room. Brother is at their table having milk and chocolate chip cookies.]''
:'''Gran''': Dear me!
:''[Gran chuckles a little.]''
:'''Gran''': This division quiz has more wrinkles then I do. 
:''[Gran rolls out the division quiz like she is rolling out cookie dough flat.]''
:'''Gran''': Well, that is about the best I can do. 
:''[After Gran rolls out Brother's division quiz to flatten it and get rid of the wrinkles after he folded it into a paper airplane.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Gran]'' It looks much better than it did. 
:''[Indeed, the division quiz is way better than it did --thanks to the fact that Gran flattened out the quiz to get rid of the wrinkles. But there was just one problem. Because Brother --in the spite of the fact that his division test is way better-- he looks at the big, fat zero. Because he got zero out of eighty one questions correctly on the test.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': (Well, it may look much better.) But it still has a great big &quot;0&quot; (zero) on it!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[shows the zero on his division test]'' I told you it was pretty bad.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he's about to sign the division test]'' Pretty bad? Can it get any worse than a zero?
:'''Gramps''': Well, it can get worse when you don't tell your parents and don't get on the school bus.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's for sure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': I had no idea so many gooey gums can fit into one bag.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, this way I'll have enough to last a while.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': A while? You'll have enough to last until next year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You'd better make sure you put your tooth under your pillow tonight.
:'''Sister Bear''': Why?
:'''Brother Bear''': Why? For the tooth fairy, of course.
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! This is my first tooth. I'm keeping it!
:''[Mama and Brother start laughing]''

===Mama's New Job / The Mighty Milton [1.2]===
:'''Mama Bear''': I've got a job! I'm going to start my own quilt-making business!
:'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[together]'' Huh?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': No! You can't have them! These are our quilts! Mama made them for us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': If you ask me, Too Tall doesn't think, period.

===Go To School / The Week at Grandma's [1.3]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear, you've worked yourself into a tizzy!
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home with you! I could help you make pies!
:'''Papa Bear''': Did somebody say &quot;pie&quot;? I've got the apples an' Shift Cars. All I need is someone with pie-making know how.
:'''Mama Bear''': I have an easy recipe for pie. You've followed recipes before, Papa!
:'''Papa Bear''': Uh, but not for pie.......I can't make pies!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, I've got a photo album to find.
:'''Brother Bear''': Why are you getting the photo album out, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': I was just thinking back to when Sister was as worried about going to kindergarten, as she is about going to third grade.
:'''Sister Bear''': I loved kindergarten!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, yes. Once you got there you did.
:'''Sister Bear''': Miss Honey Bear was really nice, and that's where I met Lizzie, and they had lots of toys, and...
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. That's right, Sister. But you didn't know all those things before you went, you were very worried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Do you know what a synonym is?
:''[Sister mistakenly believes Brother said &quot;cinnamon&quot; and therefore mistakes it for &quot;cinnamon&quot; even though he said &quot;synonyms&quot;.]''
:'''Sister Bear''':  Uh-huh. It is my favorite spice. Like synonym toast and synonym rolls.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[he corrects her]'' That is &quot;cinnamon&quot;. I said &quot;synonyms&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't want to go to kindergarten, Mama. I want to stay here with you!
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I know new things can sometimes be upsetting. But if we don't try them, we don't grow and learn. That's what kindergarten is all about.
:'''Sister Bear''': What if the teacher doesn't like me?
:'''Mama Bear''': Why wouldn't she like you? You're a very likeable cub!
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, well most of the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': I know Miss Honey Bear will be happy to have you in her kindergarten class.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I can't go tomorrow! I'm too busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Too busy? 
:'''Sister Bear''': I promised Brother I'd make a picture.
:'''Brother Bear''': You can make me a picture at kindergarten, Sister. They've got lots of paint, and crayons, and every color you can think of.
:'''Sister Bear''': But I want to hear my storybooks!
:'''Mama Bear''': They have lots of books at kindergarten, too. With stories you haven't heard before.
:'''Sister Bear''': I was going to build something with my blocks.
:'''Papa Bear''': They have enough blocks to build a castle at kindergarten. That was one of Brother's things about school.
:'''Brother Bear''': There's a tub of blocks bigger than you.
:'''Mama Bear''': What do you say, Sister? Can you give kindergarten a try?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': And so, you went with Brother on the bus for your first day of school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it all right if I sit here?
:'''Lizzie''': Uh-huh!
:''[When they got to school, back then]''
:'''Miss Honey Bear''': Welcome to Bear Country School. My name is Miss Honey Bear, and I'm your new kindergarten teacher! Would you like to come inside and meet your new classmates?
:''[When it was time for recess, back then]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama! Why are you here?
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I just thought I would stop by to see how you were doing.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm having fun! Brother was right, they do have lots of paint colors, more than a hundred! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Is that right?
:'''Sister Bear''': And they do have a big tub of blocks, just like Papa said. Lizzie and I built a giant castle!
:'''Mama Bear''': Lizzie?
:'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh! She's my new friend!
:'''Lizzie''': New best friend!
:'''Mama Bear''': Pleased to meet you, Lizzie!
:'''Lizzie''': Hi, we're having recess!
:'''Mama Bear''': And what do you do at recess?
:'''Sister Bear''': Um, do you know?
:'''Lizzie''': This is my first one! 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I'll help you get started! Come on over to the swings and I'll push you.
:'''Sister  Bear''': OK!
:'''Lizzie''': That's a good idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Huh?
:'''Sister Bear''': Suitcases?
:'''Mama Bear''': So our reservations for Grizzly Mountain Lodge are all set? Thank you so much, see you soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Reservations?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': We're going on vacation!
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, actually, it's a second honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': Still sounds like fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': Mmmm...especially the honey part.
:'''Papa Bear''': I haven't seen these in ages. I wonder if my serve is still...... ''[grunts]'' Ow!
:'''Brother Bear''': Papa, are you okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you should just let Brother and me play tennis on the honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': And you and Mama can keep score.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sorry, sweeties, but honeymoons aren't for cubs. Honeymoons are special trips that couples go on after they get married. It's an old tradition.
:'''Papa Bear''': Grizzly Mountain Lodge is where Mama and I went on our first honeymoon.
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about us?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, you're going on a special trip of your own.
:'''Brother Bear''': Is it Grizzly World?
:'''Sister Bear''': Is it Honeycomb Amusement Park?
:'''Mama Bear''': You're going to grandma's.
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Gran's?
:'''Brother Bear''': That should do it. Board games, books, yo-yo. I wonder if I should bring my chemistry set.
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm bringing puzzles, coloring books, and teddy.
:'''Papa Bear''': Beep beep. Coming through! Hey, what's all this doing out here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, we are going to Gran's for a whole week. We need to keep busy.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, now. You always have fun at Gran's house without all this stuff!
:'''Brother Bear''': When we go for one afternoon, maybe. ''[whispers to Mama Bear]'' and Gran and Gramps are, well, old.
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe they'll want to take naps all day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[grunts]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, what about our toys?
:'''Papa Bear''': You won't need all those. You're going to have too much fun with Gran and Gramps. I wonder if the lodge still has canoe rides on the lake.
:'''Mama Bear''': And live music in the dance hall.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Mama and Papa are going to have all the fun.
:'''Sister Bear''': And we're going to have none.
:'''Gran''': See you next week. Drive safely.
:'''Mama Bear''': Bye. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Have fun.
:'''Gran''': Come on, cubs.

===The Trouble With Pets / The Sitter [1.4]===
:'''Sister Bear''': I want something that is warm and cuddly.
:'''Brother Bear''': If you want a pet that's warm and cuddly, you should just get your old blanket.
:'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you want a pet that's cold and slimy, you should get some slime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looking after a puppy is a round-the-clock job.
:'''Papa Bear''': It isn't something you can just put off until later when it's more convenient.

===Too Much TV / Trick or Treat [1.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Give it to me!
:'''Sister Bear''': No way! It's my turn to choose!
:''[The cubs are in the living room trying to get the TV remote. By fighting over the TV remote control, Brother and Sister are fighting over what TV programs they are going to watch.]'' 
:'''Sister Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''WE'RE NOT WATCHING &quot;BEAR WRESTLING&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''':  &lt;big&gt;'''THERE IS NO WAY I AM WATCHING &quot;LITTLE TREEHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The two grunt to get the remote. They are fighting over whether to watch &quot;Bear Wrestling&quot; or &quot;Little Treehouse on the Prairie&quot;. So both wrestle to get the remote.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OKAY, THAT'S IT!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The controller falls out of Brother and Sister's hands and flies straight into Mama's hand]''
:'''Mama Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''NO TV FOR A WEEK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama turns the TV off with the controller. Soon, Brother and Sister hear that they are grounded from TV for a week due to the whole family watching too much TV. After not only watching too much TV, but also with Brother and Sister fighting over the TV, Mama has decided to take away the TV privilege.]''
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': But, Mama...!
:''[Mama tries to get them being used to being grounded from it for a week. And therefore, she cuts off their arguing sentence.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': No, sir, I mean it.
:''[Papa enters the living room with sandwiches on the plate as he's ready to watch some of the hockey playoffs.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Papa, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week.
:'''Papa Bear''': Your Mama's got a point. You two cubs have been watching far too much television lately. 
:''[The cubs look upset]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. 
:''[Papa then says that there may be a sports show on TV that he wants to watch. So he picks up the controller. But Mama takes it from Papa.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:''[Mama grounds Papa from the TV and he gets no TV for a week too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' You too, Papa. ''[then to the whole family]'' For once, the whole family is going to be TV free.
:''[This also means the whole family is grounded from TV for a week too. As for Brother and Sister, they are grounded from TV for a week and can only leave the house to go to school. By exact words, Mama means to them that they can only see their friends during school hours and are to come straight home after school. No TV, no friends's houses, and no park/playground while grounded from TV for a week. However, Brother and Sister are able to go outside while grounded from TV for a week, but no friends's houses.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees a wrestling show while in his workshop]'' HA! I didn't see that coming!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen; as she and the cubs catches Papa from watching TV even though Mama had said, &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;]'' And you didn't see me coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Rain or no rain! &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;, means &quot;No TV for a week!&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Looks like you skipped Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah. We kinda... did that on purpose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Mama; talking about Widder Jones]'' She's a witch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skuzz''': We're going to put the trick back in Trick or Treating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama wouldn't be friends with a witch now, would she?
:'''Brother Bear''': Hmm, I suppose you're right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': It’s Too Tall and his gang! They’re not here for the Treats, just the tricks!
:'''Widder Jones''': I understand perfectly! And I am more than happy to oblige. Watch this!
:''[Widder Jones pulls a rope, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz pop out of a bush and Vampire bats swarm them.]''
:'''Too Tall''': Watch Out! Vampire bats! They’re after us!
:'''Smirk''': Aah! Get away!
:'''Skuzz''': Aah! They’re gonna get us!
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! That’ll teach them!
:'''Lizzy''': But, they’re still coming back!
:'''Widder Jones''': Maybe they wants some more tricks!
:''[Widder Jones pulls another rope, Too-Tall and his gang pop out from behind a tree, as ghosts appear.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': Ghosts! ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Widder Jones''': So, Brother. How would you like to play the final trick!
:'''Brother Bear''': Okay.
:'''Widder Jones''': Just turn this on and watch the fun!
:'''Brother''': 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ''[Flicks a switch]''
:'''Skuzz''': This isn't much fun as I thought it would be!
:''[Suddenly, skeletons appear out of nowhere.]''
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''Too-Tall''': Let’s get out of here!
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.
:'''All''': ''[Laughing]''.
:'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[Screaming]''.

===The Trouble With Money / The Double Dare [1.6]===
:'''Mama Bear''': Sometimes when people are so busy working hard, they can forget about other important things in their lives.
:'''Papa Bear''': Even mamas and papas forget about very important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I guess I've been too busy.
:'''Cousin Fred''': That's a surprise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[been bullied by the big cubs Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz]'' Brother, Brother!
:'''Brother Bear''': What's wrong, Sis?
:''[Sister reports to Brother about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz. They stole her jump rope while she and her own friends were playing.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': (Some big cubs) Too-Tall and his gang, they took my jump rope! I tried to get them to give it back! But they are still not going to give it to me!
:''[After hearing what Sister has said about Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz --the big cubs-- Brother's concern and shock turns into a total outrage. He knows that he is getting to the bottom of his patience about the big cubs at the park who are always picking on little cubs like him and his Sister. And they stole Sister's jump rope.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[angrily about Too-Tall and his gang Smirk and Skuzz who were picking on Sister and stole her jump rope]'' &lt;big&gt;'''THREE AGAINST ONE! AND YOU ARE ONLY HALF THEIR SIZE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THOSE GUYS! (I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': You think you can get it back for me?
:''[Brother --in response-- runs off to the park to find the bullies and dares Sister to try and stop him --the bullies Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[daring Sister to just try it --to try and stop him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''JUST TRY AND STOP ME! (AND THEY BETTER GIVE IT BACK OR ELSE!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[At this, Brother means that if Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz do not give Sister back her jump rope, he is going to let them have it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Too-Tall was indeed jumping with Sister's rope --playing jump rope with it-- until Brother showed up.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Tell you what, Brother! You want it back? Come and get it!
:'''Brother Bear''': All right! I am doing that!
:''[Brother attempts to cross the log bridge. Skuzz then taunts to Brother about his fall if he falls into the water.]''
:'''Skuzz''': ''[to Brother about his fall]'' &lt;big&gt;'''ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU'RE GOING TO (FALL INTO THE WATER AND) HAVE A CHILLY SWIM!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Indeed, that was not a smart thing for Skuzz to say --saying that Brother has a chilly swim if he falls into the water.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Brother, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are trespassing in Farmer Ben's watermelon patch trying to steal one of the watermelons. Farmer Ben stands like a scarecrow. But from the moment Brother picks out the biggest watermelon and after he breaks off the stem from the watermelon vine and picks it up, Farmer Ben from his &quot;scarecrow pose&quot; sees Brother then opens his eyes.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[runs up to Brother and catches him]'' GOTCHA! 
:''[Farmer Ben glares and grabs Brother.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': HELP! LET ME GO!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz see Farmer Ben]''
:'''Too-Tall''': RUN FOR IT!
:''[Too-Tall and his gang run away screaming. Farmer Ben does not know they have dee double dared Brother. But he is on to Brother. Just when Brother has one of the watermelons, Farmer Ben catches Brother.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[after Too-Tall and his gang run away]'' &lt;big&gt;'''BROTHER BEAR?! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING STEALING WATERMELONS WITH TOO-TALL AND HIS NO GOOD GANG!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[not lying, he tells a story; but a true one]'' First they dared me...! And then, they double dared me...! &lt;big&gt;'''AND FINALLY, THEY DEE DOUBLE DARED ME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Farmer Ben''': That dee double dare (by Too-Tall and his gang) is so hard to resist.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[continues his dee-double dare story]'' I wanted to walk away. But then they called me chicken! 
:''[Brother ends his story, then apologizes to Farmer Ben as he knew he should not have been in his watermelon patch to steal one of the watermelons]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I am sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Farmer Ben''': Well, it is okay, Brother Bear. I won't call in and tell your parents about this one watermelon stealing mistake.
:''[It turns out Brother Bear is lucky that Farmer Ben did not tell his parents. Farmer Ben tells Brother that for just this one watermelon stealing mistake, he is not going to tell Brother's parents about it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the watermelon incident with Farmer Ben --and Brother got the watermelon-- the scene cuts to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz. Brother comes back with them --with a watermelon slice that Farmer Ben gave him.]''
:'''Too-Tall''': Brother?! You got away with it! And you got the watermelon.
:'''Skuzz''': ''[gives Brother a thumbs up]'' Way to go.
:'''Smirk''': ''[also gives Brother a thumbs up]'' You're the man!
:'''Too-Tall''': Come on, ''[off-screen]'' we're going to have more fun at the Widder Jones' house.
:'''Brother Bear''': No way.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[as he and his gang stops walking]'' Oh, really? well, I dare you to come with us.
:'''Brother Bear''': Not this time.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[off-screen]'' Okay, then, ''[on-screen]'' I double dare you.
:'''Brother Bear''': Nope. Not interested.
:'''Too-Tall''': ''[teases Brother]'' What the matter? Chicken?
:''[Smirk and Skuzz are miming like chickens]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I'm not chicken, and I'm not a sheep either. 
:'''Too-Tall''': Okay Brother...! &lt;big&gt;'''I DEE DOUBLE DARE YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE WIDDER JONES'S HOUSE!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[In the spite of being dee-double dared by Too-Tall and his gang, after considering the consequences, he still says &quot;No&quot;. Because he discovers that there are consequences if he follows Too-Tall and the gang to the Widder Jones's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' That stuff may have worked before, but it won't (ever again) now! ''[knowing about the consequences, then he heads back to the treehouse]'' See you later. I'm going home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Farmer Ben comes out of the bushes. He is going to come over and talk to Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz about the dee-double dare incident which they just put on Brother when they and Brother invaded his watermelon patch. Then he threatens of what he is going to do with Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz if he ever again hears about any more shenanigans --most likely, the parents of Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are going to hear from him.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[to Too-Tall and his gang about the watermelon patch]'' Too Tall...! &lt;big&gt;'''IF I CATCH YOU OR ANY OF YOUR GANG IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN...!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Farmer Ben moves in closer to the gang.]'' 
:'''Farmer Ben''': &lt;big&gt;'''...YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Smirk''': ''[hears the warning from Farmer Ben]'' We're...! We're sorry, Farmer Ben.
:'''Skuzz''': Thank you, Farmer Ben. It...! It’ll never happen again.
:'''Too-Tall''': Please don't tell our parents...!
:''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz turn their backs and run away screaming after promising Farmer Ben that it never again is going to happen --as they have listened to the warning from Farmer Ben. Indeed that is true. According to Farmer Ben, Too Tall's parents --and Smirk and Skuzz's too-- are going to hear from him if he ever again catches Too-Tall in his watermelon patch. Then the bullies --Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- scream and run away after hearing his warning. When Farmer Ben had told them to &quot;get on home&quot;, they quickly run off home before Farmer Ben calls in and tells their parents.]''
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' Those cubs make my chickens look tough. ''[chuckles]''

===Out For The Team / Count Their Blessings [1.7]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Why did Sister sign up for baseball tryouts anyway? Why couldn't she be good at something else? Baseball is my game, not hers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, Mama. It feels good to have raised two star athletes!
:'''Mama Bear''': It sure does, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Mama]'' You're talking to yourself. ''[chuckles]'' That's not a good sign.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right. I'm being silly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Listen to yourselves. All you EVER do is complain about what you don't have.
:'''Papa Bear''': What about being thankful for all the things you have?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': It's called counting your blessings.

===The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle [1.8]===
:'''Queenie''': Did I hear you say you're having a slumber party? Can I come?
:'''Lizzie''': Sure you can come. what's one more?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[That night, the sleepover was cancelled. The Bruins have --offscreen-- called in and told the other cubs's parents. Soon the scene cuts to the outside of Lizzy's treehouse. After parents are called in and told, Lizzy was sent to bed. As for Sister and the others --Sister, the other girls, and Too-Tall and his gang-- they are sent home. The angry and disappointed parents arrive to take the children --Sister, the other girls, Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- home. Later, the scene cuts to Mama --very angry and disappointed-- is on to Sister about her behavior at the Bruins's house for a sleepover. Mama takes Sister by the hand and drags her back to the treehouse into the night.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Sister, I am so disappointed in you! (After all of the things I said about privilege and responsibility!)
:''[The scene then cuts to the Bear family's treehouse.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': You are grounded young lady! One day in your room and one full week in the house (except for school)!
:''[Sister sadly walks upstairs to her bedroom. She is grounded and sent to bed. She has to spend one day in her bedroom and one full week/month/year/decade/century/millennium in the treehouse. In other words --and in total--  &quot;She is grounded --one day in her bedroom and one thousand full years in the treehouse&quot;. That is, by the grounded saying from Mama. She is grounded for one thousand years and can only leave the house to go to school while grounded. The scene cuts to the Bear family's dining room.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as now Mama is in with a cup of tea]'' That bad. Huh?
:''[Mama talks to Papa about the Bruins's living room. That is, as if Papa had seen it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[about the Bruins's living room]'' You should have seen the place! Popcorn stuck to everything, juice spills all over the carpet, and furniture was knocked this way and that! It was an absolute disgrace! Everything that I said about privilege and responsibility! In one ear and out the other!
:'''Papa Bear''': Sister does have to share the blame. But it sounds like there were quite a few at this slumber party. Well, maybe it was one of those situations where one thing lead to another and things got completely out of control. I’m sure it would’ve gotten out of hand if the Bruins had been home. 
:'''Mama Bear''': If we knew they were going out, we could’ve suggested that Sister attended the sleep over some other time. Or that the girls had the sleep over here. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm but we didn’t. It was our responsibility to call them. Part of the responsibility that comes with the privilege of having cubs.
:'''Mama Bear''': So we’re partially to blame. 
:'''Papa Bear''': Privilege and responsibility go for parents as well as cubs. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Queenie''': This was a good idea for us all to come over and help clean up, Sister.
:'''Lizzie''': Hey, I know. Everyone's doing such a good job. I think we should make this a clean up party.
:'''Sister Bear''': Let's not Lizzie. And if you don't mind, I rather not hear the word &quot;party&quot; again for a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the Homework Hassle]'' '''''&quot;If you're a bear for TV, loud music, eat popcorn and fun, how are you gonna get your homework done?&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[picks up the letter from Brother's teacher before reading it]'' Hmm...? 
:''[Mama finds an old but one hundred percent clear letter in Brother's backpack]''
:'''Letter from Teacher Bob''': ''I regret to report that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind with his homework.''
:''Please call me.''
:''Yours truly,''
:''Teacher Bob''
:''[Mama reads the letter that she got out from Brother's backpack which is from his teacher; Teacher Bob]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reading]'' ''Dear Parent,'' 
:''I regret to inform you...!'' 
:''[Mama reads it. Not only she has found garbage including an old banana peel, a brown apple core, and a moldy piece of bread which Brother had for lunch at school called peanut butter and garbage (trash). But also, there is an old and wrinkled but &quot;loud and clear&quot; letter from Brother's teacher about his homework. By reading the letter, Brother has fallen too far behind in his homework, and the letter orders Mama or Papa to call Teacher Bob as it says, &quot;Please call me&quot;. Then to Papa after she hears from the letter that Brother is falling behind in his homework. Papa takes the letter from Mama and he reads it too]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa after he reads the letter from Brother's teacher]'' It looks like you and I better have a talk with our son!
:''[The scene cuts to Brother with the TV who is too busy having fun. What Brother has with him is a bowl of popcorn on the TV, a TV which is showing his favorite TV show &quot;The Bear Stooges&quot;, and a boom box. For homework, he has --on the table-- some school books, a pile of homework worksheets, and a pencil too.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If you did a little bit of homework every day, it wouldn't pile up to a mountain of work! ''[shows Brother the rest of his untouched homework]'' Which is what you have here!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oh...!
:'''Mama Bear''': I'm afraid Papa's right. There are going to have to be some changes around here (until you're all caught up and lot of homework). 
:'''Brother Bear''': Like what?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about what the changes are going to be on Brother until he catches up. It is just up to him and his homework until he is all caught up]'' Like no more music, no more TV, no more popcorn, no more talking on the phone.
:'''Sister Bear''': What about video games, Papa? ''[smiles cleverly]''
:'''Papa Bear''': And no more video games (and furthermore)! It's up to you and your homework until you get caught up!
:'''Brother Bear''': But you don't understand, that'll take forever!
:'''Papa Bear''': Then you better get started with that homework!
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly jumps off the couch and heads to the back door]'' Oh...!
:'''Papa Bear''': Where are you going?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly; to Papa]'' I'm just going outside to see the sunlight and... smell the fresh air one last time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene cuts to where Brother is at Gramps and Gran's house]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[about the &quot;no anything&quot;; which means he gets no TV, no video games, no movies, no talking on the phone, no boom box, no popcorn, no rollerblading, no soccer and no sports of any kind until he's all caught up with his homework]'' And now I can't watch TV nor play video games nor do anything. Not until I get caught up with my homework.
:'''Gramps''': That does not sound unreasonable to me. 
:'''Brother Bear''': But Papa does not understand! I'm never going to catch up! 
:'''Gran''': I know that the situation seems terrible right now. But you're going to catch up.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. ''[begins a story of when Papa was a cub who also fell behind with his homework when he was still in school back then]'' Just like your father did.
:'''Brother Bear''': What do you mean?
:'''Gramps''': The same thing which happened to him when he was younger. 
:'''Gran''': Of course there was no television back then.
:''[As Gran and Gramps mention this --when Papa was younger or in other words, &quot;at Papa's young age era&quot;-- there was no television nor any electronic equipment back then whatsoever. None whatsoever, whether regarding to television and video games.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No television?! 
:'''Gramps''': Oh no! But we had radio instead. We still have it. (But radio was like TV at that time.) 
:''[By that saying from Gramps, in the era of Papa's young age, there was radio. However even though there was radio, it --at that time-- was like TV.]'' 
:'''Gramps''': In those days you could listen to fantastic stories every night.
:''[The flashback shows to when Papa was a cub. And he listened to radio shows while he did his homework]''
:'''Gran''': ''[narrating]'' And Papa loved to listen to the radio. He did it while he was doing his homework. His favorite radio show was &quot;Jet Bear George of the Space Frontier&quot;.
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' Only, the more interested he became with the radio, the further he fell behind in his schoolwork.
:''[As Papa as the cub is listening to his favorite radio show, his father Gramps turns off the radio. Like how Papa took away Brother's TV, bowl of popcorn, talking on the phone, music and video games until Brother catches up with his lot of homework, in said flashback, Gramps catches him. Gramps has also heard a letter from Papa's teacher about Papa falling behind with his homework. As a result, Gramps takes away Papa's radio privilege until Papa catches up. After Gramps turns off the radio, he tells Papa to catch up with his homework. Just as Papa did to Brother earlier when Brother became interested with music, TV, popcorn, talking on the phone and video games. In the flashback, the changes on Papa as a cub turns out that there is going to be no more radio and no more talking on the phone until he catches up with his homework. So Papa in frustration but not crying nor arguing, gets to his homework in the spite of the radio being off]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' And I made sure he got it done. I clamped down on him the way how he has been clamping down on you.
:''[The story finishes and goes back to the present day. This story is to teach Brother how he is going to catch up on his homework]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Maybe Papa does understand. ''[about his homework; even though he has the remainder of the &quot;no anything&quot; until he catches up with his homework]'' And I guess that I have not been doing a good job with keeping up on my homework.
:'''Gramps''': The worst thing that you can do with your homework is put it off until later.
:'''Gran''': Of course. It's called &quot;procrastination&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Pro-crast-a-what?
:'''Gran''': Procrastination. That means &quot;putting off a job until tomorrow&quot;. It's when you know that a job should be done today.
:'''Gramps''': You're right. So from then on, Papa buckled down and did his homework every day. And when Papa did his homework, (even though he was never again allowed on the radio for falling behind with his homework, even though he was grounded from it forever), he became a much better student. 
:''[So Papa when he was a cub could never again be on the radio and furthermore. It was indeed forever for Papa since Gramps took away his radio and phone privileges permanently. In fact, Papa was grounded from it forever and could only leave the house to go to school. But even though he had the no radio and &quot;no anything&quot; forever --or in other words &quot;in the spite of being grounded from electronics forever&quot;-- he did his homework and was a much better student. He was a much better student in every school grade despite being grounded from radio and talking on the phone forever. When Papa did his homework, he did not get to earn back his radio and phone privileges because he was grounded from it forever. He never got them back. But he became a much better student when he did his homework.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I understand, Gramps. 
:''[Brother however, still notices how his father back when he was in school became a much better student in the spite of being grounded from radio and phone privileges forever.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But how am I ever going to be caught up?
:''[Brother at this point may also be grounded from TV, video games, talking on the phone, music, sports, and popcorn forever too. But in the spite of that, he may become a much better student like his father when he does a lot of his homework.]''
:'''Gramps''': You may ask Teacher Bob to give you a catch up period. I think he should go along with that. He is a pretty good guy.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's a good idea. But the first thing that I must do is go home and get some of it done today. 
:'''Gramps''': That's the spirit.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[remembers how Papa did it when he was a cub from Gran and Gramps's said flashback]'' If Papa was able to do it, so can I.

===The Talent Show / The Haunted Lighthouse [1.9]===
:'''Teacher Bob''': I believe that everyone has a special talent, but sometimes it can take a little help to find out what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' You want to be in the talent show?
:'''Cousin Fred''': Does having the hairiest knuckles count as a talent?
:'''Too-Tall''': Very funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey! there's something outside!
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh?
:'''Mama Bear''': Huh?
:''[They all look outside the window]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Really, something was there! I saw it! It was glowing.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' My guess would be it was your glowing imagination.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This looks like a job for...
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': The Bear Detectives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': We knew you were special, Captain Salt.
:'''Sister Bear''': You just needed to know it too.

===The Birthday Boy / The Green-Eyed Monster [1.10]===
:'''Lizzie''': Maybe you can make a movie about Brother.
:'''Sister Bear''': What's so special about him? He's just a brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Basketballs weren't made to be gift wrapped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Showing someone how you feel about them can be the greatest gift of all.
:'''Papa Bear''': And you don't even have to wrap it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Your car is running, Mr. Bruin.
:'''Mr. Bruin''': Yes, I guess I should be happy it's running at all.
:'''Mama Bear''': No, Mr. Bruin, he means it's running away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Is the green-eyed monster still knocking, Papa?
:'''Papa Bear''': Yep, but I won't let him in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[It is revealed that the green-eyed monster was exactly like Sister. But aside from Sister's normal outfit, she had green fur, green eyes, horns, and a reptilian monster tail]''
:'''Green-Eyed Monster''': ''[to Sister]'' Don't you think it's not fair that Brother gets the pretty bike and you get an old bike?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[riding on Brother's bicycle]'' I knew this bike wasn't too big for me!

===The Baby Chipmunk / The Wishing Star [1.11]===
:'''Sister Bear''': All Brown Eyes does is eat and sleep.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, that's what babies do. When they aren't eating and sleeping, ...
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' They're sleeping and eating.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': They say the first star you see at night you can make a wish on. That's why it's called the wishing star.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': It's really amazing how hard work and determination can magically give you what you deserve.

===Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave [1.12]===


:'''Mama Bear''': ''[voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies]'' '''''&quot;When a cub's behavior takes a turn for the worst, it is hard for parents to know what to do first&quot;.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs get the gimmies at the supermarket. Their first fuss/tantrum is over the Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder rings and Bearbie stickers]''
:'''Brother Bear''': I want one of those rings, Mama.
:'''Sister Bear''': I want some stickers.
:'''Mama Bear''': Now what did I just tell you on the way here?
:'''Brother Bear''': Uh...Um...Well...
:'''Sister Bear''': I forget. 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the first time about not buying toys nor treats]'' That we are not here to buy treats. Now come along. (Please put those toys back for save money for paint)
:'''Mama Bear''': Why isn't that nice?
:'''Papa Bear''': Mm-hmm, It's a fine idea.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's a fine idea?
:'''Mama Bear''': The store has put these donation displays here to remind everyone to give to the different charities in our community.
:'''Papa Bear''': You two might think about donating some of the toys you've outgrown to the Sick Cubs Hospital.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, What's that?
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh.
:''[Brother takes Sister.]'':
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! They have chocolate covered marshmallow bears!
:'''Sister Bear''': Can we have one, Please, please?
:''[Brother and Sister make a fuss over about the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. It’s not even Valentines Day and Easter, it’s summer. They see that the candy --which the supermarket is selling-- is their favorite treats. They have gummy gumballs, chewy chompers, and chocolate covered marshmallow bears --all of Brother and Sister's favorite candy. Therefore, the cubs's second fuss/tantrum is about candy. And they begin to get the gimmies about it too.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[reminds the cubs for the second time about not buying toys nor treats]'' You know the answer. Now please put those back.
:'''Brother Bear''': [Sighs] Okay.
:'''Sister Bear''': [Sighs] Alright.
:'''Mama Bear''': It looks like this shopping trip is going to be the same as all the others.
:'''Papa Bear''': Hmm? Marshmallow and chocolate...?
:''[Pretty soon, Papa tries to get Mama to change her mind and let Brother and Sister buy toys and treats. He --who decides to not listen to Mama-- tries to buy himself and the cubs his and their favorite treats --which is the chocolate covered marshmallow bears. That is, only to get grabbed by Mama. Mama drags him out of the candy aisle. She does it as if to mean, &quot;Just say 'no'&quot;.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Neat! Glow in the dark flyers! This would be lots of fun to play with it at night. Can I get it?
:'''Mama Bear''': No. I told you not more than ten minutes ago. 
:'''Sister Bear:''': Mama? Papa? Can I get this?
:'''Papa Bear''': An apple? Sure.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks!
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh, careful now, you'll bruise it!
:'''Sister Bear''': It's not a real apple, Papa, it's bouncy fruit. Neat, huh? They've got bouncy oranges and bouncy pears and bouncy bananas.
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, if Sister can have bouncy fruit, then I can have this.
:''[The cubs's third &quot;fuss&quot; is about toys; glow in the dark frisbees and bouncy fruits. Mama then takes the toys and reminds them for the third time about not buying toys nor treats]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Now listen, you two. It's not your birthday, (it is not Halloween), it is not Christmas, (it is not Valentine's Day), and (it is not Easter). And it is not &quot;Give Your Cubs a Treat&quot; day. So you go and put these toys back right now. 
:''[Mama makes the cubs put the toys back to where they found them after telling them that they can put the toys back and forget about them. Because it's not their birthday, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, nor Easter. In other words, &quot;It is not their birthday or any holiday --whether it's Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Easter&quot;.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Give your cubs a treat day? (I have never heard of this holiday before.) When is that? 
:''[Papa is aware that there is appearance of a birthday, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Easter. But he has never heard about a &quot;Give Your Cubs a Toy/Treat&quot; day.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': There is no appearance of a plan. But the way Brother and Sister carry on, you always thought it was every day of the year.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The cubs's fourth and final fuss/tantrum is about toys --the rubber pussycats. The pussycats are revealed to be rubber toy cats that stick out their tongues when squeezed. First the cubs wanted Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, then can’t, then bouncy fruit and glow in the dark flyer frisbees, a ride from the bucking frog, and now the rubber pussycats. Mama and Papa remind Brother and Sister for the fourth and final time about not buying toys nor treats.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Now just hold on! We didn't come here (to the supermarket) to buy toys (nor treats)!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[for the fourth and final time]'' Papa's right. 
:''[Mama has reminded the cubs four or more times about the &quot;toys and treats&quot; rule at the supermarket. It was not Brother and Sister's birthday not the holidays Halloween, Easter or Christmas, but it’s summer time. So Brother and Sister were specifically not allowed to ask for any toys nor treats. And the only thing that they could buy was groceries.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': Papa’s Right! Remember what I told you about buying toys and treats? 
:''[Brother however thinks it's OK to ask for toys and treats just because they are finished with their groceries --though he does not know that Mama and Papa said &quot;no asking for toys/treats at all at the supermarket&quot;]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But that was when we were getting our groceries. So we're finished now.
:'''Sister Bear''': And look at how cute they are!
:'''Papa Bear''': OH! ALL RIGHT! ''[Papa was irritated and embarrassed by giving their treats in the summer, not their birthday, Easter, Halloween and Christmas to give you that dollar for their rubber Pussycats and it’s the money problem and they’re broke for negative 300 dollars until November for Papa’s driving me tunas.]''
:'''Guy''': Thank you very much, sir and have a great day. 
:'''Papa Bear''': You’re welcome. ''[They are having a summer present]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks, Papa ''[Not Brother’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Thank you, Papa ''[Not Sister’s birthday, nor Halloween, Christmas, and Easter, it’s summer time present]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[roars in frustration and his voice is heard loud and clear so the cubs and Mama can hear it and Papa’s driving me tunas]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OF ALL OF THE OUTRAGIOUS, EMBARRASSING, DISGRACEFUL, AND SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR! THAT WAS THE WORST CASE OF THE GALLOPING GIMMIES I HAVE EVER SEEN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right, Papa. But perhaps, it's partly our fault for giving in.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[gets tired of his roaring in his Papa Bear voice as he continues his story about the cubs's greedy gimmies at the supermarket]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE COULD'VE DONE WITH ALL THOSE STRANGERS LOOKING AT US!? NOW I THINK IT IS TIME WE HAVE A TALK WITH OUR CUBS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa calls the cubs down. At this, he is going to have a word. Brother and Sister really need a talking-to before they go any further.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[calling the cubs]'' BROTHER...!? SISTER...!?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Yes Papa?
:''[When Papa is tired of roaring, he calls the cubs in to the living room for a talking to and family meeting.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': Into the living room please. It's time for a family meeting.
:'''Papa Bear''': There are more important things in this world than getting as many treats (nor toys) that can get your hands on. Greedy cubs who only think of themselves can never really be happy. Do you know why? (The money is bad for buying rubber Pussycats.)'
:'''Cubs''': No.
:'''Papa Bear''': Because you can’t have everything you want in life all the time. Do you understand? (Not even Rainbow Gob-Busters, Spy Bear Decoder Rings, Bearbie stickers, candy, glow in the dark flyers, bouncy fruit, bucking frogs, and rubber Pussycats, than even save money for paint.)
:'''Cubs''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gramps and Gran have just arrived at the treehouse for a visit. Papa opens the door for his parents and welcomes them]''
:'''Gramps''': Hi there!
:'''Brother Bear''': What did you bring me?
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, what did you bring us?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the cubs's behavior around Gramps and Gran]'' &lt;big&gt;'''I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO! YOU EVEN DIDN'T SAY &quot;HELLO&quot;!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[Papa roars in his loudest Papa Bear voice after Brother and Sister got the gimmies on Gramps and Gran.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''THAT’S IT! UP TO YOUR ROOM!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The cubs go upstairs to their bedroom.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''AND THERE IS GOING TO BE NO TV OR TREATS FOR A WEEK! FOR A MONTH! FOR A YEAR! (A LUSTRUM! A DECADE! A CENTURY! A MILLENNIUM!)'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[That means the cubs are not allowed to have TV nor treats for a week, a month, a year, or possibly a lustrum, a decade, a century, or even a millennium. It is their punishment for getting the gimmies at the supermarket and on Gramps and Gran. They're grounded for 5 to 1,000 years for their unruly behavior in the grocery store and now on Gramps and Gran. And it may be forever since it's an entire millennium but that is Brother and Sister's punishment. The cubs can only leave the treehouse to go to school while grounded from TV and treats for a millennium. They are grounded for one thousand whole years. Papa is telling them that they are grounded from TV and treats for 1,000 years and are not allowed to leave the house except for school. Now what Brother and Sister are to do --according to Papa-- is to go up to their room and spend more time thinking about proper behavior with their galloping greedy gimmies and correcting it while they do not use the TV or get treats for 1,000 years.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[thinks that Papa is having a bad day]'' You're having a bad day, son?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs; after Brother and Sister have escaped]'' I'm sorry about the unpleasant welcome. Brother and Sister have the bad case of the galloping greedy gimmies. (But getting away with trouble for summery gift is never going to be served the same way for our selfish greedy cubs again.)
:'''Mama Bear''': The worst case yet. (But Papa is right. They are going to be grounded from television and treats until they learn to behave and stop with the galloping greedy gimmies.)
:''[Also, while grounded from TV and treats for one thousand years, the cubs also can only see their friends during school hours. That's the only time they can see their friends.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Gran and Gramps tell the story about when Papa was a cub and got the gimmies like Brother and Sister. Papa as a cub, always had it whenever he wanted toys and treats at Rufe's Grizzly General Store --or in other words &quot;everything in sight&quot;. When Papa was a cub, there were no shopping malls nor supermarkets back then. Malls and/or grocery stores --in Papa's young age-- at that time did not yet exist in the same format as they do in Brother and Sister's era. Although there were no malls or grocery stores at that time, there was Rufe's Grizzly General Store instead. The store --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- worked exactly like a supermarket. But still, Papa --when he was a cub-- was like that. He would get the gimmies each time he and Gran and Gramps went to that store to buy groceries.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[as he and Sister have snuck out from their bedroom and are eavesdropping on Papa, Gran and Gramps's story about Papa when he was a gimmie cub]'' It's like how we fussed about the kitty cats. ''[Not even Halloween, Christmas, Easter and Brother &amp; Sister’s birthday, but summer present]''
:'''Sister Bear''': And embarrassed Papa. (And that's why we are grounded from television and treats for a millennium and we can't leave the house except for school.)
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after Gran and Gramps tell their story about Papa as a gimmie cub]'' Well, I'm glad that you didn't give in. 
:'''Gramps''': I'm afraid we did.
:'''Papa Bear''': Oh?
:''[Then back to the flashback about Papa as a gimmie cub.]''
:'''Gramps''': ''[narrating]'' You got what you wanted that day.
:''[At this point, Papa got a toy. Because he could decide about what he wanted --whether it was candy, a toy, or a dinosaur book. And that was it. Then the next time when he, Gramps, and Gran went to the &quot;grocery store&quot; --Rufe's Grizzly General Store-- and got the gimmies, he and his family went right home. And he got nothing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Brother and Sister are trying the &quot;Hello&quot; part to Gramps and Gran.]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Gramps and Gran]'' Yes. And if you have brought us something (toys and/or treats), you can just leave it in the car. Because we are not even thinking about it.
:''[Sister and Brother do this as if to say, &quot;Let's not even think about it&quot;. That is, even though if they really think Gramps and Gran brought them candy or toys, even if they have it, Brother and Sister are not going to get the gimmies. Rewarding the rescue, Papa eventually changes his mind to reduce the grounding --as they are still grounded by TV and treats and can only leave the house to go to school. However, it is reduced to a week. But then they still notice that they are grounded from TV and treats for a week. In the spite of that though, they did much better with Gramps and Gran.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': You never can tell what a cave is going to be like on the inside, just like from what it looks like on the outside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Look! Wow! Real, live fossils.
:'''Cousin Fred''': Maybe a million years ago they were alive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Things that seem scary really aren't, once you know what they really are.
:'''Cousin Fred''': I know. There's a logical explanation for everything.
:'''Brother Bear''': Exactly! ''[his voice echoes]''

===Too Much Junk Food / Go To Camp [1.13]===
:'''Dr. Grizzly''': Exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[panting]'' I agree with you, one hundred percent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[panting]'' Gees, I don't get this tired when I play baseball.
:'''Brother Bear''': Well, you're running much farther than second base, Sis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he, Sister and Brother prepare to head back to the treehouse from Dr. Grizzly's office]'' Well cubs, it's time for us to get our trains back on the track.
:'''Sister Bear''': You're right, Papa.
:''[Sister starts chugging and whistling like a train, recalling Dr. Grizzly's mention of it her nutrition lesson]''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[mimics a train chugging and whistling]'' Choo-choo! Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, choo-choo!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[following Sister]'' Whoo-whoo! ''[looking back toward Brother; chuckles]'' Get on board, son. Whoo-whoo!
:'''Brother Bear''': I... I think I'll walk. I need the exercise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I have an idea. Why not we go and celebrate by opening up the freezer and...!?
:''[Though Papa, Brother and Sister are able to have sweets occasionally since a little is potentially okay but just a little or using it sparingly according to Dr. Grizzly, they want to go back to having healthy food for most days of the week or almost every day. So Mama and the cubs stop him from mentioning &quot;junk food&quot;. The plans that the cubs have had is to have a little sweets occasionally or use it sparingly, but otherwise stick to healthy food]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-uh-uh, it is far too easy to fall back into the junk food habit. 
:''[Aside from the junk food snacks that Brother and Sister can have occasionally, he mentions the healthy snacks which he and Sister have been having and sticking with almost every day --either at the mall which is frozen yogurt instead of gumballs and candy, or at the movies which is nuts and raisins instead of popcorn, or when watching TV which is apple slices.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[puts in an idea to celebrate, but to cut sugar]'' Well, celebrate with carrot sticks.
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[puts in another idea, also to cut sugar]'' And nuts and raisins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea?
:'''Brother Bear''': No.
:'''Sister Bear''': Oh, good.
:'''Brother Bear''': I think it's a great idea!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

[[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|1]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)</title>
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    <id>227290</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T04:20:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.21.122.118</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Bad Habit / The Prize Pumpkin [2.3] */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]]  | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

===The Excuse Note / On The Job [2.1]===
:''[while Teacher Jane and her class are doing deep knee bends in gym]''
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm getting tired already.
:'''Lizzie''': I was getting tired just...thinking about it.
:'''Millie''': Why do we have to do so many?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': ''[during gym class]'' Why do we have to walk like ducks?
:'''Millie''': Beats me.
:''[The whole class does the duck walk]''
:'''Sister Bear''': I'll bet nobody makes ducks walk like bears.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Why is exercising in gym so important anyway?
:'''Brother Bear''': Exercise makes your muscles stronger. And stronger muscles can make you a better soccer player. That's what I want to be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': ''[looks at Sister's excuse note]'' Now who's the lucky one?
:''[She passes the note back to Sister who then passes it to Millie]''
:'''Millie''': ''[looks at the note]'' Gee, when will it be my turn to sprain something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': Remember the time I fell out of a tree and sprained my wrist, and y mom wrote me a note to excuse me from gym?
:'''Sister Bear''': I remember. How come you get all the luck?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': I found all the jobs you wrote about very interesting, Brother.
:'''Brother Bear''': I had a hard time picking just one.
:'''Teacher Bob''': ''[reading Brother's report aloud]'' &quot;There are many wonderful jobs and opportunities to choose from, and there's plenty of time for me to decide what I'd like to be when I grow up.&quot; Very thoughtful words indeed, Brother Bear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cousin Freddy''': Do you have any ideas on what you want to be when you grow up?
:'''Brother Bear''': When I was younger, I wanted to be Superbear.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think that counts.
:'''Brother Bear''': You're probably right.

===Too Small For The Team / The Jump Rope Contest [2.2]===
:'''Sister Bear''': If I'm not big enough for the team, how come I'm big enough to be team manager?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm fast, I'm tricky, and I kick really hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you're just jealous, Lizzie Bruin, because I'm the best jump roper in Bear Country and you're not.
:'''Lizzie''': I am not Jealous.
:'''Sister Bear''': Are too jealous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I just want to say, may the best bear win.

===The Bad Habit / The Prize Pumpkin [2.3]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, I wish I had a bad habit to break so I can earn some extra money.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' Oh, go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about his pumpkin rival and opponent Farmer Ben who has won the pumpkin contest 10 or more years already before Papa even entered]'' &lt;big&gt;'''MY PUMPKIN, THE GIANT, IT CAN BEAT THE PANTS OFF FROM ANY OF FARMER BEN'S PUMPKINS! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE PUMPKIN CONTEST!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Mama tries to tell Papa what Thanksgiving really means even though Papa wants the Giant to come in 1st place like Farmer Ben who has won this contest on Thanksgiving for ten or more years.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' Thanksgiving is about giving thanks and not about beating the pants off someone, especially with your best friend.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[half chuckles and then roars in frustration about the Giant coming in first place]'' &lt;big&gt;'''(BEST FRIEND?! HA!) THERE ARE NO FRIENDS IN PUMPKIN GROWING CONTESTS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[What Papa means by that, is that Farmer Ben who has won the pumpkin contest about ten or more years is his pumpkin rival. Papa means that this year, his pumpkin the Giant should come in first place this year. He hopes the Giant comes in 1st place like Farmer Ben's pumpkin or 2nd place like Ms. Mc Grizz's. Farmer Ben's giant pumpkin is known as &quot;The Monster&quot;, Ms. Mc Grizz's giant pumpkin is known as &quot;The Autumn Beauty&quot;, and the Bear family's is known as &quot;The Giant&quot;. It is a pumpkin contest against the Giant --that's for the Bear family, the Monster --that's for Farmer Ben, and the Autumn Beauty --that's for Ms. Mc Grizz. And Papa's pumpkin --the Giant-- has to go in third place. Ten years in a row, Farmer Ben --with the Monster-- has gotten 1st place with his pumpkin and Ms. McGrizz --The Autumn Beauty-- has gotten 2nd place with hers. So ten years in a row, Farmer Ben has gotten 1st place and Ms. McGrizz has gotten 2nd. But since this is the Bear family's first year in the pumpkin contest, they might end up in 3rd place.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': You know, you can have your colorful autumn leaves and your golden sunsets. What I like best about fall is a big spread of orange pumpkins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': What is Papa doing?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to the Giant]'' Come on, buddy. Keep growing. You can do it. Think big.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' Papa just read a book that says you can make plants grow faster by talking to them.
:'''Sister Bear''': Hmm. Was it a comic book?
:''[Brother and Sister started to laugh]''
:'''Papa Bear''': I heard that. Laugh if you want to, but I'll do whatever it takes to win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[watching Farmer Ben fertilize his pumpkin patch]'' It doesn't matter what you do, Ben. None of your pumpkins are going to ever measure up to the Giant. ''[chuckles]''

===Ferdy Factual / Lend a Helping Hand [2.4]===
:'''Brother Bear''': I don't get it. ''[starts counting off items on his fingers]'' Queenie pretends to be his friend, we're really trying to be his friends, and we're the ones he ignores.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': How can somebody so smart be so dumb?
:'''Sister Bear''': Ferdy knows a lot of things, but I don't think he knows very much about friends.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': Guess he'll just have to find out about Queenie the hard way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Widder Jones is really nice, isn't she?
:'''Brother Bear''': And she's always doing things for everyone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother]'' Are you doing anything important on Saturday?
:'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, sort of. I'm helping out a neighbor at her yard sale.
:'''Sister Bear''': Me too.

===The Big Blooper / Nothing to Do [2.5]===
:''[Brother accidentally knocks over Sister's milk after he grabs the ketchup bottle]''
:'''Sister Bear''': Brother! Look what you've done!
:'''Brother Bear''': Sorry, Sis.
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[calls Brother a bad name --a name that she recited from a movie &quot;Trouble at Big Bear High&quot;]'' You're such a furball!
:''[Mama gasps at what Sister just said to Brother. Papa surprisingly drops the fork after hearing the bad word from Sister. Now, the whole family except Sister fall silent. Then they expect an answer]''
:'''Sister Bear''': What...?! Did I say something wrong?
:'''Papa Bear''': You certainly did, young lady! That's a terrible thing to call someone!
:'''Mama Bear''': Wherever did you get language like that?
:'''Sister Bear''': On a video (cartoon).
:'''Mama Bear''': What sort of video (cartoon)?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[names the video where she learned that talk from]'' &quot;Trouble at Big Bear High&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[gasps about the video where Sister learned these words]'' &lt;big&gt;'''&quot;TROUBLE AT BIG BEAR HIGH&quot;?! THAT VIDEO IS NOT FOR LITTLE CUBS!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[turns to Brother and also talks to him about it]'' If it has that kind of talk in it, I don't think it's fit for big cubs either.
:'''Sister Bear''': Lizzie's older brother (Barry) rented it. I didn't know (in the beginning).
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[then Papa and Mama turn back to Sister]'' I know you didn't know (in the beginning), but now you do.
:'''Mama Bear''': You could really hurt someone's feelings with that word. But the important thing is, we caught it in time, before you said it to someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Millie''': Crude talk is rude talk.
:'''Stacy''': And name calling is nasty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Saying words that hurt other people's feelings doesn't sound too grown-up to me.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're right. Our language has so many words to choose from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': What are you cubs doing?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Nothing.
:'''Brother Bear''': There's nothing to do.
:'''Mama Bear''': Nothing to do? Everybody else seems to be able to find something to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Yes. Four hands may clean up faster than two, but eight hands clean even faster.

===House of Mirrors / Too Much Pressure [2.6]===
:'''Mrs. Bruin''': Some little bears have big ears.
:'''Lizzie''': You mean Sister has big ears?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I have big ears!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Big ears? Goodness, I don't know where you got the idea. But your ears aren't big.
:'''Sister Bear''': Yes, they are! They're big. Big as an elephant's!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Lizzie, maybe you're a bit loud and maybe you talk a lot. But don't ever listen to anyone who says you have a big mouth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[as he sees that Mama, Brother and Sister are crying while carrying Mr. Bruin's shovel]'' What in (the world)?
:''[Mama, Sister, and Brother are crying because Mama forgot to get the car fixed before they can go.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs]'' So this is what it's come to! 
:''[He lets out an announcement to the whole family.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''ALL RIGHT THEN!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Papa then lets out a sigh as if he means &quot;So much for not fixing the car&quot;.]'' 
:'''Papa Bear''': &lt;big&gt;'''AS OF THIS MOMENT I AM CALLING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FOR TODAY (AND THE REST OF THE YEAR) OFFICIALLY OFF!'''&lt;/big&gt;

===Visit Fun Park / The Perfect Fishing Spot [2.7]===
:'''Mama Bear''': It's easy to boast, but it's not so easy when you have to do the big things you boast about.
:'''Sister Bear''': So you shouldn't brag about things you've never done before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If there's no prize-winning fish in this lake, why, I'll eat my hat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I think we should have stuck with the fish we had before.
:'''Papa Bear''': But I wanted a real prize winner.
:'''Sister Bear''': But Papa, we weren't catching a fish to win a prize. We were catching a fish for dinner. I don't think Gran and Gramps need a whale.

===The Summer Job / The Big Red Kite [2.8]===
:'''Farmer Ben''': You cubs look awfully cheery today!
:'''Sister Bear''': That's because school's out.
:'''Brother Bear''': Yep, it's the first day of summer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Farmer Ben''': ''[referring to the farm]'' Peace and quiet doesn't last long around here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[after pumping the water]'' I think my arms are going to fall off.
:'''Brother Bear''': If they do, may I use them to carry two more pails of water?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Gee, Farmer Ben is going to lose his whole crop! He doesn't need to hear about losing his helpers too.
:'''Brother Bear''': I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': You don't need to buy a kite when you can make one.

===Too Much Vacation / The Trouble with Grown-Ups [2.9]===
:'''Papa Bear''': ''Okay, Everyone set?''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''Are we forgetting something?''
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Brother!
:''[Brother comes running out of the house]''
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, we can't forget Brother!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' After all, this is a family vacation.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''Got the camera, I wanna take lots of pictures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''Sometimes the difference between having a bad time and a great time all depends on how you look at it.''
:'''Papa Bear''': And you know what the best part of this vacation is?, It's not over yet., Now who wants to go find some sweet bumble berries for breakfast?''
:'''Sister Bear''': Yay!
:'''Brother Bear''' Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Papa thinking out loud is in Brother and Sister's bedroom trying to look for the rest of his newspaper. He is missing the &quot;for-sale&quot; section which was in his newspaper before he had picked it up. Knowing that someone had taken the rest of his newspaper without permission, Brother is using the newspaper that Papa was missing to keep the paint off of his desk for a model airplane. Really, Brother was hogging the newspaper. As for Sister, she was hogging the phone so she could talk to Lizzie even though Mama needed the phone for Mrs. Honeypot whom Papa was trying to call from the hardware store. But Sister was on the phone all day with Lizzie. Meanwhile, Papa finds his newspaper and sees Brother using it. That is, even though it was the rest of Papa's newspaper. But Brother used it to keep the paint off of his desk.]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[wants to know what Brother is doing with the rest of his paper]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH (THE REST OF) MY NEWSPAPER!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The rest of Papa's paper really was part of the for sales section and Brother had taken it so he could keep the paint off of his desk from making a model airplane.]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Using it to keep the paint off my desk.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[takes the newspaper since Brother had Papa's newspaper]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': But nobody in this family ever reads the for-sale section.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[knows that he really had a lot more newspaper than that, but Brother took the rest of it so he could use it for his project of a model airplane instead of getting used newspaper from the recycle bin]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WELL, I'M READING IT NOW!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Brother really should have used the newspaper from the recycle bin. But he used the rest of Papa's newspaper instead]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Just think, someday you'll be parents with cubs all your own to take care of.
:'''Brother Bear''': I think maybe we'll skip that part.
:'''Sister Bear''': And we'll just become grandparents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Jane''': ''Our last play for tonight features Brother and Sister Bear, Cousin Fred, and Lizzie Bruin. It's called &quot;The Trouble with Parents&quot;.
:''[As the school play starts]'':
:'''Cousin Freddy [Papa Bear]''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHERE IS (THE REST OF) MY NEWSPAPER, SON?!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[As sewing wizards, Brother is &quot;Papa Bear&quot;, Sister is &quot;Mama Bear&quot;, Cousin Freddy is &quot;Brother Bear&quot;, and Lizzy is &quot;Sister Bear&quot;. So the scene shows that Brother --who has been a sewing wizard-- looks like a mini Papa Bear.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As the school play ends]''
:'''Lizzie''': You know sometimes.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': Our parents are all right.
:'''Sister Bear''': But sometimes it's hard being a cub when parents seem to blow their tops without a good reason.
:'''Brother Bear''': Sooner or later, parents grow out of it and become grandparents.
:'''Brother Bear, Sister Bear, Lizzie and Cousin Freddy''': And grandparents never blow their tops at their grandcubs.

===Go to the Doctor / Don't Pollute (Anymore) [2.10]===
:'''Dr. Grizzly''': Papa, I'm afraid you're sick.
:'''Papa Bear''': I never get sick... well, almost never.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': ''[hides in the quilt because she does not want to have her second checkup even though she had her first one already]'' I am not coming out until you promise that I don't have to go to the doctor! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': When we do the work together, it makes a big job smaller.
:'''Sister Bear''': And easier.
:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-huh.
:'''Brother Bear''': And more fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Actual Factual''': Sometimes, little ideas can help solve the biggest problems.

===The In Crowd / Fly It [2.11]===
:'''Hilary''': Go ahead! Whoever wants to go play with Little Miss Hairbow can be my guest!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, do you think jumping rope is just for little cubs?
:'''Mama Bear''': No, I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': If at first you don't succeed, then try, try again.

===By The Sea / Catch the Bus [2.12]===
:'''Mama Bear''': We have some work to do.
:'''Brother Bear''': Work? But I thought this was supposed to be a vacation.
:'''Sister Bear''': Brother's right. It's not fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Ah-ha. Now I see. The cubs are learning a lesson today.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' That's right. It's Papa Bear's crash course in vacation cooperation, consideration, and participation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': What's the matter, Brother? Have you got ants in your pants?
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[tells Papa that he has sand in his swim suit]'' No, I have sand in my swim suit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Brother and Sister have to miss out going to the book store because it's closed; thanks to Brother who was late]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Maybe next time, I should pay closer attention to my watch. 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Brother]'' A watch is not going to take you where you have to be. 
:''[Mama turns to Brother and Sister and explains to both of them about how the time works.]'' 
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[to both Brother and Sister]'' It is up to you to decide whether you want to be on time.
:''[At that, Mama really means to Brother and Sister that it is up to both of them to decide if they want to be on time]''

===Family Get-Together / The Stinky Milk Mystery [2.13]===
:'''Mama Bear''': It takes all kinds to make up a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sighs]'' I wish I lived on a farm.
:'''Farmer Ben''': Oh, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else, even though there are many chores to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': I wouldn't want to do anything that would make Farmer Ben upset. He might not let us come back and help him again.

:'''NOTE''': This is the last episode where [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] voices Brother, as Cera left the show because of his voice changing. Michael D'Ascenzo replaced Cera for the rest of the series' run.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

[[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|2]]</text>
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    <title>The New York Times</title>
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'''''{{w|The New York Times}}''''' (sometimes abbreviated as '''the ''NYT''''' and '''''NYTimes''''') is an American [[newspaper]] based in [[New York City|New York]].

{{Theme-stub}}
==Quotes==

* [[Freedom of the press|Press]] [[censorship]] seems to be back with a vengeance [[Censorship in India|in India]], this time imposed not by direct government fiat but by powerful [[private owners]] and [[Politics of India|politicians]].
** ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/28/opinion/Indias-Press-Under-Siege.html India's Press Under Siege]'' (July 27, 2014)

* We Re-Launched The New York Times Paywall and No One Noticed. That’s exactly what we hoped for.
** The NYT Open Team [https://open.nytimes.com/we-re-launched-the-new-york-times-paywall-and-no-one-noticed-5cd1f795f76b] ????

==Quotes about the The New York Times==
* The ritual obeisance to the benign government and its laudatory goals.
** [[Noam Chomsky]] about an article published by The New York Times. Interviewed in ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020) by C.J. Polychroniou, ''{{w|Truthout}}''

*The ''New York Times'' released sequel six in the best-selling Putin-the-Poisoner series on September 22. The incredibly gifted junior G-men and women in the Times Tower have sleuthed yet another episode of boundless evildoing by the arch-villain [[Vladimir Putin|Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin]].  “The editorial board,” we are informed, “is a group of opinion journalists whose views are informed by expertise, research, debate and certain longstanding values.... &lt;BR&gt;In this blue state special, they spin the tale of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny poisoned with “a nerve agent developed by the Soviet Union.” Jacobin calls Navalny, who is a right-wing anti-immigrant blogger and YouTube celebrity, “Russia’s Trump.”&lt;BR&gt;From the “established fact” that a poisoning occurred, the rest of the Times editorial is pure [[Guessing|conjecture]]. After the poisoning and spending two days in a Russian hospital, the victim flew off to Germany.... &lt;BR&gt;In a [[W:chain of custody|chain of custody]] not revealed, the “colleagues” sent the “evidence” out of Russia to Germany then also to France and Sweden, where it was subsequently “confirmed by laboratories.” “The powerful poison,” we are told is used “against foes of the Russian regime.”&lt;BR&gt; Only in the cartoonish mindset of the NYT do the perpetually bungling villains leave such blatant clues to their crimes. The editorial board declares, “many questions remain unanswered and are likely to remain so. Chief among them is whether President Vladimir Putin ordered or approved the attempted assassination.” Later in the editorial, this chief question is answered: “Mr. Putin knows what happened...” but “…he continues to hide behind glaringly phony denials.”
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/09/29/nyt-releases-sequel-of-putin-the-poisoner-the-incredulous-case-of-mr-n/ NYT Releases Sequel of Putin-the-Poisoner: the Incredulous Case of Mr. Navalny,  by Roger Harris, ''CounterPunch''],    September 29, 2020

*Outside the comic book world that the editorial paints, there are questions not addressed by the ''Times''. Why, after five previous incidents, has the Russian security state not learned to administer fatal doses of poison and cover up their tracks? Why would Putin repeatedly order hits on dissidents that every time boomerang on him by publicizing their grievances and inviting punishing sanctions?  An alternative explanation for this poisoning story is that this is a setup to discredit and weaken an official enemy of the US imperial state.&lt;BR&gt; '''The nation’s newspaper of record has a long history as a faithful mouthpiece of empire.''' On spinning the Putin-the-Poisoner tale, the Times has been but one voice in the Russo-phobic chorus of western media.  The truth of the Navalny case is hard to ascertain. What is clear is that the “evidence” that the Times touts has not been made public but has been used to bludgeon Russia.''' &lt;BR&gt;Putin is not up for election. But there is something else at stake and that is, as the Times editorial mentions, the possible “cancellation of the '''[[W:Nord Stream 2 pipeline|Nord Stream 2 pipeline]], a gas conduit from Russia to Germany,” which is of vital economic interest to Russia. The US, now the world’s leading producer of fossil fuels, opposes the project. In a bipartisan effort, the US even threatens “crushing legal and economic [secondary] sanctions” on the German seaport of Sassnitz for supplying the project.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/09/29/nyt-releases-sequel-of-putin-the-poisoner-the-incredulous-case-of-mr-n/ NYT Releases Sequel of Putin-the-Poisoner: the Incredulous Case of Mr. Navalny,  by Roger Harris, ''CounterPunch''],    September 29, 2020, et al ie: [https://dissidentvoice.org/2020/09/new-york-times-releases-sequel-of-putin-the-poisoner/ DissidentVoice]  September 27, 2020  

* Our bureaucracy doesn’t always speak with one voice, and … those who don’t speak with one voice usually speak to the New York Times.
**[[Henry Kissinger]], quoted from Bass, G. J. (2014). The Blood telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a forgotten genocide.

* In the broadest strokes, the Times’ coverage of India is almost Orientalist—it’s almost as if it’s a backward place characterised by nationalism, violence, sexual assault. I read in an article somewhere, where they just flatly stated that there’s a rampant rape culture in India. And I was like, what? So, I actually started to look at the statistics to see what they meant. And you look at the statistics, and they’re a fraction of cases from what the US or Western Europe experiences. How can you make an assertion like that when the statistics are not even close to being there? So that was what I wanted to understand. I think on the broad level India (is portrayed as) being this nationalist kind of bully. And I think on a more specific level, it’s an anti Hindu approach. I have a list of headlines here from the New York Times. One is “why India’s farmers fight to save a broken system”. Another is “under Modi, a Hindu nationalist surge has further divided India”. “What the rape and murder of a child reveals about Modi’s India”. “Death is the only truth (that’s a quote) watching India’s funeral pyres burn”. “India’s battered free press”—on and on and on and on and on. And you go back to China and you look at the China reporting for example, on the pandemic. In August of 2020, there the New York Times is celebrating China’s victory over Covid and taking the CCP’s statistics of Covid deaths at face value. The statistics the CCP provides are absurd, but the New York Times prints them, gives them that credibility. So you think to yourself why is there this division in how they cover China and how they cover India? Why is one being shown as this sort of progressive place that has managed to conquer a pandemic and the other this backward place characterised by funeral pyres and rape—and that’s what I’m trying to understand.
**Ashley Rindsberg, [https://www.sundayguardianlive.com/news/nyts-coverage-india-almost-orientalist-ashley-rindsberg NYT’s coverage of India is almost Orientalist: Ashley Rindsberg]  October 23, 2021

* Carlos Tejada, a New York Times Deputy Asia Editor, has died at the age of 49. He suffered a heart attack less than a day after posting to social media that he had received a Moderna booster vaccination.
** Kay Smythe, [https://thenationalpulse.com/2021/12/26/ny-times-editor-49-dies-one-day-after-moderna-booster-shot/ NY Times Editor, 49, Dies One Day After Moderna Booster Shot.], ''The National Pulse'', 26 December 2021

==External links==
{{Wikimedia|New York Times|Collapsible=true}}
* {{Official website|https://www.nytimes.com/|mobile=https://mobile.nytimes.com/}}
{{Authority control}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:New York Times, The}}

[[Category:Newspapers published in New York City]]</text>
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    <title>Meet the Feebles</title>
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'''''[[w:Meet the Feebles|Meet the Feebles]]''''' (also known as '''''Frogs of War''''' in New Zealand as the film's English fake working title) is a 1989 New Zealand [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Black comedy|black comedy film]] directed by [[w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson]]. It features [[Jim Henson]]-esque puppets in a perverse comic satire.
:''Directed by [[w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson]]. Produced by [[w:Jim Booth|Jim Booth]]. Written by Peter Jackson, [[w:Danny Mulheron|Danny Mulheron]], [[w:Fran Walsh|Fran Walsh]] and [[w:Stephen Sinclair|Stephen Sinclair]].''
{{center|'''Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Heidi==
* Eat lead you man-stealing slut!

==Bletch==
* Shit! I was just about to pop my cookies!
* ''[last words before his death]'' Oh, shit!

==Others==
* '''Guppy''': Is something the matter, Mr. Bletch?
* '''Abi''': Please do not interrupt me, I am traveling on the astral plane.
* '''Trevor''': I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.

==Dialogue==
:''[first lines of the film]''
:'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen. Your attention please. Welcome to the newest, the greatest, the most spectacular in entertainment history. Put your hands together for the fabulous Feebles variety hour.

{{line}}
:'''Trevor''': All right, you fat slag! Move your ass!
:'''Heidi''': How dare you speak to me like that! You horrible, spiteful, little rat!
:'''Trevor''': I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer!

{{line}}
:'''Heidi''': That's it, I've had enough! I am going straight to Bletch!

{{line}}
:'''Robert''': I'm Wobert.
:'''Trevor''': You may be Wobert to your friends, but you're fly shit to me! Piss off!

{{line}}
:'''Bletch''': ''[heading to the golf course]'' Hey, Barry, how's your handicap?
:'''Barry the Bulldog''': She's at home, boss. Baking a cake.
:''[Bletch and his henchman laugh]''

{{line}}
:'''Trevor''': Didn't you notice you were sitting on his face!
:'''Madame Udder''': Well, it was a bit uncomfortable, but I thought it was my hemorrhoids.

{{line}}
:'''Cedric''': This is a lovely golf course. I'm tempted to join the club meself.
:'''Bletch''': No chance of that I'm afraid, Cedric.
:'''Cedric''': You mean they discriminate against Scots?
:'''Bletch''': No, we just don't want assholes in the clubhouse.

{{line}}
:'''Bletch''': Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?
:'''Trevor''': Sure, boss. It's the next big fad.
:'''Bletch''': Have you thought of a name for it, yet?
:'''Trevor''': I was thinking along the lines of... &quot;Dennis does Daisy&quot;.
:'''Bletch''': No. That's lousy.
:'''Trevor''': How about... &quot;Anal Antics&quot;?
:'''Bletch''': &quot;Anal Antics&quot;... yes. It will appeal to the intellectuals. Do you think it will do as well as our last release and win the Hooker Prize?

{{line}}
:'''Sebastian''': Heidi! You've been overeating again!
:'''Heidi''': Uh, no, I haven't.
:'''Sebastian''': There is black forest cherry cake in your cleavage!

{{line}}
:'''Robert''': I thought you were nice.
:'''Lucille''': I am nice.
:'''Robert''': No, you're not, you're woose! And you dwink!
:'''Lucille''': No...
:'''Robert''': You're nothing but a woose wush, Wucille, and I never want to see you again!

{{line}}
:'''Sebastian''': ''♪ Don't worry if you feel ashamed ♪'' 
:''♪ It's been around for years ♪''
:''♪ And thousands more that can't be named ♪''
:''♪ Are interested in rears ♪''
:''♪ Don't worry about hell ♪''
:''♪ No harm will come to your soul ♪''
:''♪ We're not a Pentecostal ♪''
:''♪ And everybody's got an asshole ♪''
:''♪ '''SODOMY!!!''' ♪''
:'''Bletch''': Trevor...?
:'''Trevor''': Yeah, boss?
:'''Bletch''': I want that fudge packer eliminated!

{{line}}
:''[last lines of the film]''
:'''Arthur''': Miss Heidi. I know you're a real star and all that. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dub you in.
:'''Heidi''': Could you do one last thing, Arthur?
:'''Arthur''': Anything, Heidi.
:'''Heidi''': Play &quot;The Garden of Love&quot;.

==Taglines==
* Welcome To The Jungle.
* Sex, drugs and soft toys.
* Puppet spunk hits the fan!
* Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun.
* From the creator of &quot;[[Bad Taste]]&quot;, comes a movie with no taste at all!

==Cast==
* [[w:Mark Hadlow|Mark Hadlow]] as Robert the Hedgehog, Heidi the Hippo, Barry the Bulldog and Chorus Girl #3.
* [[w:Peter Vere-Jones|Peter Vere-Jones]] as Bletch the Walrus, Arthur the Worm, The Baker, Newspaper Mouse and the Announcer.
* Donna Akersten as Lucille the Poodle, Samantha the Cat, Dorothy the Sheep, Female Rabbit #1, Chorus Girl #2 and Fitness Tape Voice.
* [[w:Stuart Devenie|Stuart Devenie]] as Sebastian the Fox, Dr. Quack the Duck, Madame Bovine, Sandy the Chicken, Cedric the Warthog, Seymour the Elechicken, Mr. Big the Whale, Female Rabbit #2 and Chorus Girl #1.
* [[w:Brian Sergent|Brian Sergent]] as Wynyard the Frog, Trevor the Rat, F. W. Fly, Jim the Frog, Chuck the Frog, The Spider and the Vietnamese Gophers.
* [[w:Mark Wright (actor)|Mark Wright]] as Sid the Elephant, The Masked Masochist, Louie the Dog, Guppy the Fish, Poodle, Bartender, Crab and Chorus Girl #4.
* [[w:Fane Flaws|Fane Flaws]] as Musician Frog.
* [[w:Danny Mulheron|Danny Mulheron]] as Heidi the Hippo. (body only)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:New Zealand films]]
[[Category:Black comedy films]]
[[Category:Musical comedy films]]
[[Category:Spoof films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Splatter films]]
[[Category:Films featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Films about dogs]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films about foxes]]
[[Category:Films about frogs]]
[[Category:Films about insects]]
[[Category:Films about rabbits and hares]]
[[Category:Films about rats]]
[[Category:Films set in a theatre]]
[[Category:Films set in New Zealand]]
[[Category:Films directed by Peter Jackson]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Peter Jackson]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Ike Moriz</title>
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      <text bytes="12950" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ike Moriz.jpg|thumb|right|And still, I haven't worked it out that there's nothing to work out.]]
'''Eike Moriz''' (born [[14 May]] [[1972]]), better known as '''Ike Moriz''', is a [[Germany|German]]-[[South Africa|South African]] [[singer]], [[songwriter]], [[musician]], record producer and [[actor]]. He is known for his 20 album releases in the indie rock, pop, latin, easy listening, dance, lounge, blues, jazz and swing genres. He lives in Hout Bay, Cape Town, [[South Africa]], and he tours internationally.

== Quotes ==
* '''Countries, borders and flags build walls between all of us. Music can break them down and unite us.&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''Cosmopolitan Magazine'' [https://ikemorizsa.blogspot.com/2006/08/cosmopolitan-magazine-south-africa.html interview in [[English]]], ''Hot Talent: &quot;Ike Moriz, 31, Singer and Songwriter”'', page 32, [[South Africa]], 01.08.2006&lt;ref&gt;https://ikemorizsa.blogspot.com/2006/08/cosmopolitan-magazine-south-africa.html&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''You become a slave to the song. It (recording and producing a song) becomes a spiritual experience.&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''Die Burger'' [https://www.netwerk24.com/Vermaak/Duitser-vind-sy-muse-in-die-rustige-Kaap-20130606 interview in [[Afrikaans]]], ''German finds his muse in the Cape'', page 6, Cape Town, [[South Africa]], 07.06.2013&lt;ref&gt;https://www.netwerk24.com/Vermaak/Duitser-vind-sy-muse-in-die-rustige-Kaap-20130606&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''You always have what it takes, otherwise, it wouldn’t have taken you!&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''Get It Magazine'' [http://www.topweddingsinger.com/press/get-it---2013.html interview], ''Movers &amp; Shakers about town'', page 35, Cape Town, [[South Africa]], 01.07.2013
* '''I love people and building bridges between them. There is nothing as fascinating as human nature, except the gloriously vague expression on the face of a cat.&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''Get It Magazine'' [http://www.topweddingsinger.com/press/get-it---2013.html interview], ''Movers &amp; Shakers about town'', page 35, Cape Town, [[South Africa]], 01.07.2013
* '''It’s always just about the music. I’ve got to be true to who I am. Music is my religion. My way of communicating. When I write a song, I feel like the music is coming through me. It’s a beautiful experience to write a song that becomes something that has an influence on other peoples’ lives.&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''The Bay Magazine'' [http://www.ikemoriz.com/press/latest-reviews-2007-2015.html interview, article 95.], cover story, ''The Man behind the voice'', September 2010 issue, by Romy Gordon, [[South Africa]].  
* '''Having performed ... in front of audiences in twenty different countries, I’ve noticed how certain melodies have the ability to connect and uplift both the audience and the musicians. I’m privileged to present these timeless classics with a group of excellent artists who share my attitude of putting the creation of beautiful, entertaining music above all else.&quot;'''
** Quoted in this ''Netwerk 24'' [https://www.netwerk24.com/ZA/Eikestadnuus/Vermaak/ike-moriz-in-last-show-of-the-year-20181219-2 interview], 24 December 2018, by Elmarie Anthony, [[South Africa]].

== Song lyrics ==
[[File:Ike_Moriz_aud_der_NDRBühne_2018.jpg|thumb|right|You walk with shoes on fire while you complain about the smoke.]]
=== Mirrors And Shade (2002-2004) ===
* 
* Raised and doped with illusion - Download god. I know I'm in trouble when I'm seeing double. Come on, make me scream!
** '''Mirrors and shade'''
* You could thrill me. You could kiss me. You could kill me. You could miss me.
** '''You could'''
* Like a crushed piece of flesh on the boiling motorway: No beginning like the end, the great, grand end with your face in the sand.
** '''Another Day'''
* Fall into the sun. Oh, be one. Oh, be gone.
** '''Fall into the sun''' 
* Your flaming tongue strikes again like the insect's deadly flight into the light, bright, holy white. I crave your kissing bite. Oh, fool me.
** '''Flame Blue'''
* Sisyphus cracked the rock and built himself a big, big castle. Now he runs up and down the stairs, longing to be blessed with pain again 
** '''Our Gold'''
* I see you shiver in the wind. Catch your thoughts, seal my mind. Visionary - breaking down walls of ice and stone and time and thought.
** '''Visionary'''
* Time rushes by. Some blur memories, then we fly.
** '''Drowning (In London Town)'''

=== Play Me (2005) ===
* 
* When she walked through me, all I could do was watch and say &quot;Hey, hey-hey, hey&quot;.
** '''Hey, hey-hey, hey'''
* Have you laughed your laughs, my friend? Will you ever fall in love again?
** '''Play Me'''
* Crawling on your knees through the desert sand. Your dress is torn and blood on your hand. The Southern Cross, a giant tower of light. Your silhouette, your laughter - then your bite! I feel real.
** '''I Feel Real'''
* The world's all gone to pieces - Hangin' upside down. You might as well deep-freeze us until the cure is found. And every time the sun - And every time the sun, that blazing, callous gun, will rise again. 
** '''Everytime The Sun''' 
* Thinking of your smile makes me crawl for a mile through the rain, you know.
** '''Light Is Dark'''
* Nothing we can't buy: rhino-horn with ham 
** '''Evacuate Me'''
* Give your heart to the devil - you get a cell phone for free, yah! Bigger, faster and louder - Pretend we cannot see
** '''Dull Blue Eyes'''
* A craving for the haven that is on no maps
** '''The Sad Songs'''

=== All Around The World (2008) ===
[[File:Ike_Moriz_CD_launch_(Play_Me)_11_November_2005.jpg|thumb|right|To be able to run, you gotta learn how to walk with these demons inside.]]
* 
* Oceans of time passing through space, beings and things – come and slip away. Like tears in a stream drift into the sea, no shape, no soul – faint memories of dreams.
** '''All Your Heroes Are Dead'''
* I’m going down in the 7th round of this fight that I thought was just a joke.
** '''Anything You Want'''
* Sunny’s with him on the run - his friend Sunny is a gun.
** '''Bite The Dog'''
* To be able to run you gotta learn how to walk with these demons inside. 
** '''All Around The World''' 
* Countries, borders, anthems and flags keep us apart those ancient gags. All their speeches, adverts and hymns to feed their greed and keep us dim. Call me insane, call me brave, but I won't slave for the pharaoh's grave. I’d rather dance my life away for this could be our final day.
** '''I'll Be Your Man'''
* Limousines and pearls - she wants to rule the world. Assassins in the brain - the white light leaves no stain. Money in his hand - waiting for the man, who’ll steal his soul away. This is our last dance! 
** '''Killing Games'''
* Tonight, I saw a star breaking through the clouds, oblivious to its light – just like you.
** '''Starry Night'''

=== Breathing Dreams (2011) ===
* 
* His thoughts are flowing like a straightened river into the ocean.
** '''Demian'''
* Every day that you’re gone, I think of you. The colours of your portrait never dry.
** '''In Every Place'''
* When your eyes are shut, you start seeing in ways that we’ve always known! Living so many ways of shaping these days -  and feel those rays warm the skin on our face.
** '''Atlantis'''
* Holding on to the same old ground, when all inside is screaming ‘out’! 
** '''Breathing Dreams''' 
* Our mirrors are you and me and through them, we learn to see.
** '''Apollo'''
* All these days that I strive so hard to calm the waves of the oceans and seas with the palm of my hand. Every day like a lifetime – oh, save me a piece, a piece of the cake. Past, just like a haze – trying all so hard to cling to fake. And still, I haven’t worked it out that there’s nothing to work out. Still, I haven’t worked it out that there’s nothing, there’s nothing
** '''Still'''
* As the number plates drift by, my restless scanning eyes search for you.
** '''Not About You'''
*Fake-flower-flattery, broken glass, ancient rituals - a farce. I close my eyes and gaze at the stars. Fatal scent engraved on the brain, crumpled words spring to life in the rain, shape a face or just a stain. You come, you go and all this time, I strive, I die, I fall in love. And all that is new, is just another you.
** '''Another Me And You'''
* You’ve taught me to blend in, wearing your fake cobra skin; It fits so tight, I can’t breathe in, but you make me hang in. Oh, every time and time again, you aim to stop my fire with paraffin. And while I play the mandolin, you’re dancing with Rumpelstiltskin; Oh, I can hold my breath for longer than you think.
** '''Hold My Breath'''

=== Siren Terpsichore (2012) ===
* 
* Soon, the red of dawn will rise and you and I will close our eyes; Escape together from the light until we meet again tonight. I wanna see you in the night.
** '''See You In The Night'''
* Have you danced in the rain - seen all your money go down the drain? Picked yourself up with nothing to lose? Let someone else sing the blues! Ride this crazy life – day by day!
** '''Day By Day''' 
* You walk with shoes on fire while you complain about the smoke.
** '''You Just Need To Go'''
* Smile at strangers on the London tube.
** '''Angie Blue'''

=== At Last (2014) ===
* 
* Oh, the teachers told me he is real. Yeah, the preachers told me he is real. If you buy into, into their fear, oh, the devil is real in your mind.
** '''The Devil Is Real In Your Mind'''
* This time something’s wrong. This time I hear no song. This time, I feel this could be real, this could be love.
** '''This Could Be Love''' 
* I finally came to see that all I ever was and all I’ll ever be is always here.
** '''Forevermore'''
* There’s no such thing as fairness; There must be other plans for us. No existence of justice; Our laws just build walls between us. There’s no such thing as freedom from the results of our deeds. No easy way in or out of this life, no escape from our needs.
** '''Disillusion Blues'''
* Why, people chasing their tails, day in day out; Stepping on each other’s dreams; Trying to buy something that can’t be bought - until their lights are out.
** '''Until Their Lights Are Out (Alien Blues)'''

=== Love Swings (2015) ===
[[File:Ike_Moriz_and_wife.jpg|thumb|right|Your flair, your style, your élègance: No matter where we are, it feels like France.]]
* 
* Your flair, your style, your élègance: No matter where we are, it feels like France.
** '''Feels Like France'''
* After all to have it all, feel 10ft tall and one with all in this moment.
** '''Love Swings''' 
* Just a flash of a second of the age of the world to live this life we’ve been beckoned for our souls to unfurl. Paint on this canvas with all the colours that we know and then add some more from the magical unknown. Round and round, along the spiral, on this path supreme, spawn the sound of the cycle, called forth by our being. Oh, polish this gemstone from all sides thereof, until it shines oh so brightly in the light of love.
** '''Light Of Love'''

=== Gold Rush (2017) ===
* 
* Beyond the rush of anger, beyond all preconceptions, past the noise of our fears - oh, something connects us all right here!
** '''Riding On The Storm'''
* Everyone has a life. That’s how it seems on the screens.
** '''Forgotten''' 
* It ain't the gold in your pockets - with everyone starving in rags. It ain't the size of your rockets - with all your foes in black bags. 'Cause carnival's in town from Sunday to Sunday. And everything's upside down, with rainbows in fun grey.
** '''Wishful'''

=== Dragons (2020) ===
[[File:Ike Moriz at Castle Reinbek in 2022.jpg|thumb|Singer Ike Moriz on 'Dragons Tour 2022' at castle Reinbek, Germany, 6. July 2022]]
* 
* Prescribed so many pills and each and everyone just kills. Are we now Jekyll or Hyde? 
** '''Sound Apocalypse'''
* There’re no more dangerous rhymes in these dangerous times, 'cause danger is all we breed.
** '''Dangerous Rhymes''' 
* Oceans of blue embracing the land: A drop at a time, igniting the sand.
** '''City Lights'''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.ikemoriz.com The official Ike Moriz web site]
* Eike Moriz: ''&quot;Dangerous Rhymes : Lyric collection&quot;'', Mosquito Records London Pty Ltd., 2020, 1st edition: {{ISBN|978-1-715-47794-3}}, 2nd edition: {{ISBN|979-8-6894-9682-5}} 
* [https://www.musixmatch.com/artist/IKE-MORIZ Ike Moriz lyrics on Musixmatch]
* [https://muzikum.eu/en/ike-moriz/lyrics Ike Moriz lyrics on Muzikum]
* [https://musicbrainz.org/artist/95df417e-1aaf-4881-bf05-14604f3688e0 Ike Moriz on Music Brainz]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Moriz, Ike}}
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    <title>Dónal Óg Cusack</title>
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'''[[w:Dónal Óg Cusack|Dónal Óg Cusack]]''' (born 16 March 1977), [[w:Hurling|hurling]] analyst and former player of the game for the [[w:Cork county hurling team|Cork county team]].

==Quotes==
*The next news that I saw was on [[w:Raidió Teilifís Éireann|RTE]] and the heading was 'Lions'. Whatever the [[w:British and Irish Lions|Lions]] is and whatever that means, best of luck to them. The Lions were beaten [this is incorrect, they won], [[w:Ireland national rugby union team|Ireland]] were playing [[w:Japan national rugby union team|Japan]] - that's a challenge game that they were playing out in Japan... I said to myself, whatever about the Lions, whatever that is, whatever about Ireland playing a challenge game in Japan, I don't give a fuck if [[w:Scotland national rugby union team|Scotland]] are after shocking [[w:Australia national rugby union team|Australia]] in a challenge game.
**Displaying his lack of interest in and complaining about [https://www.balls.ie/gaa/donal-og-cusack-des-cahill-text-369102 rugby on the news], 13 July 2017

*I see other sports right, and I like sports, I like all sports, but I see other sports that do not match the hand-eye co-ordination and I see some things being done and it's almost 'stop the world here because did you see the skill.'
**Displaying his interest in [https://www.balls.ie/gaa/donal-og-cusack-football-hurling-369172 all sports], 14 July 2017

*The last point I'll make, right, as, as I'm on it, 'cause I think it's often in my mind, I actually believe that type of, you know, accusation of disrespecting the traditions of the games, I actually think it's part of the last remnants of British culture on these islands.
**[https://twitter.com/TheSundayGame/status/1155587601132220416 Speaking] on ''[[w:The Sunday Game|The Sunday Game]]'' in 2019

==Quotes about Cusack==
*'The hostility towards him is usually more slyly expressed than the goodwill', wrote Cusack's co-author, [[w:Tom Humphries|Tom Humphries]], in the Irish Times.
**Quote in [https://www.independent.co.uk/sport/general/others/hurling-ireland-stunned-by-gay-star-1806872.html ''The Independent'' (UK) in 2011]

*Mr Cusack has been approached a number of times in recent weeks for comments after it emerged that he wrote the letter, and Rape Crisis Networks Ireland has expressed concerns about the practice of submitting reference letters in such cases. The court heard that there was a testimonial from a 'well-known sportsman' in the GAA who detailed Humphries' volunteer work in the GAA and expressed 'shock and disappointment' at his offending.
**[https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/courts/my-intention-was-to-help-a-human-in-a-dark-place-hurling-star-donal-og-cusack-breaks-silence-on-tom-humphries-reference-36228202.html October 2017]

*At that meeting, Muskerry divisional board delegate John Crean had expressed concern regarding a character reference Cusack provided for Tom Humphries during the 2017 trial in which the former journalist was convicted of the sexual exploitation and defilement of a child.
**[https://www.the42.ie/cork-hurling-donal-og-cusack-minor-4833344-Oct2019/ October 2019]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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== [[User:Babe kebab]] ==

{{Archive top}}
This discussion seems to have devolved into a number of different disputes and arguments. It was requested that a local admin close the discussion, so here goes:
* The account &quot;Risto hot sir&quot; has been/is currently globally locked. Steward [[User:Wim b|Wim b]] decided to lock the account on 20 August 2019, citing &quot;crosswiki abuse&quot;. Regardless of the merits of the original lock, the editor has continued to try and edit different WMF projects via alternate accounts or from IPs. They are now considered a long term abuser (LTA) due primarily to the evasions, rather than any original conduct
* The account &quot;Babe kebab&quot; appears to have been controlled by the same editor, and has been locked by steward [[User:Tks4Fish|Tks4Fish]] for &quot;Long-term abuse&quot;
* As explained at, eg, [[:m:Global locks]], global locks are (as the name suggests) global - an account that has been locked cannot be used to edit *any* WMF project, including the English Wikiquote
* There was a question - why can't this user continue to contribute here on the English Wikiquote? Because any such edits would be evading the global lock, and *stewards* would likely globally lock any account used, and/or globally block any ip used
* If you want to allow this user to edit, the proper channel is to request that the original account be unlocked. Any discussion *here* of whether or not they *should* be allowed to edit is irrelevant, because stewards are the only ones that can unlock an account. Any issue of stewards failing to respond to an appeal in a timely manner should be taken up with stewards.
In short, edits made here on the English Wikiquote, even if they are constructive, that are made in evasion of a global lock, are improper. It is a content decision whether or not to revert solely due to the fact that the edits are being made by an LTA, and I'm not going to address that. But it is a user-management decision to lock the accounts used / globally block the ips used, and ''that'' latter decision is the purview of stewards. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 02:22, 8 March 2021 (UTC)
----
[[User:Sitush]] has [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=992823404&amp;oldid=992783263&amp;title=User_talk%3ABD2412&amp;type=revision left a note on me Wikipedia talk page] asserting that [[User:Babe kebab]] is a &quot;blatant Risto sock&quot;. This seems fairly plausible based on Babe kebab's brief edit history to this point. Any thoughts on this? [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 18:32, 7 December 2020 (UTC)

:The question is WHY Sitush &amp; the gang wants to vandalize the project. I've made 120,000 useful edits - and nobody will revert 'em, because other people would have to add those again. I've done good work here, haven't I? Politics should stay off this wiki! A true detective wants to know the motives. Here some clues: &quot;censorship&quot;, &quot;India&quot;, investigation for &quot;severe conducting problems&quot; at Meta.--[[User:Babe kebab|Babe kebab]] ([[User talk:Babe kebab|talk]]) 18:52, 7 December 2020 (UTC)
:: It looks like you're going to be blocked globally (again). You know better than to sock, so why don't you go back to your original account and appeal to be unblocked, rather than going through these machinations? [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:57, 7 December 2020 (UTC)
::: It's just waste of time. The stewards haven't answered in 15 months, so it's better to create new accounts to make the necessary edits - it doesn't matter who makes 'em. Besides it's fun to receive friendly welcoming messages. {{unsigned|80.223.94.56|00:33, 8 December 2020 }}
:::: &quot;Waste of time&quot; That's plain pathetic on your end. It only goes you're an entitled twat who isn't willing to undergo the legwork and as WP tenets show, rebuilding reputation on one account is better than creating so many socks. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 06:34, 8 December 2020 (UTC)
:::: I have to agree with [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]]. What's the point of contributing to Wikimedia at all if that's your opinion of it? [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:26, 8 December 2020 (UTC)

: I am  with [[User:Babe kebab]]  on this. IMIO the sockpuppet obsession has taken on a life of it own at enwiki. There are many good contributors on many wmf-projects who are accused of sockpuppeting when all they are doing is trying to continue contributing productively. Just my $.02 [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:18, 8 December 2020 (UTC)

::Why to contribute? To make articles better of course. &quot;Reputation&quot; means nothing. - It's OK if the LOCAL admins want to revert, but some global ones want just to show their power. In that case &quot;no human has the right to obey&quot; (Arendt). - The community should be worried about this: I was forbidden to link Indian related articles at en-wikipedia, and after I called it censorship I got hellhounds on my track.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 14:48, 9 December 2020 (UTC)
::: Wikimedia projects have value ''because of'' their rules and community adherence to them, not despite these things. If you were &quot;forbidden&quot; to do something, there is assuredly a good reason for that, and you should abide by that until a contrary determination is made, and achieve change through discussion, not by pretending to be someone else until you get caught pretending. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 17:21, 9 December 2020 (UTC)
::::Well, maybe you are the right person to discuss with those Hindu and Muslim extremists who have hated each other more than one thousand years.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:02, 10 December 2020 (UTC)

:::: {{Yo|BD2412}} you said: '''achieve change through discussion''', but one cannot achieve change if one gets blocked for expressing one's views, or when one is under the impression that one will get blocked if they express their views. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:14, 10 December 2020 (UTC)
::::: Nonsense. No one gets blocked merely for expressing their views. Editors get blocked for a wide range of behavioral issues - bullying, attacking, insulting, etc. - and calling those behaviors &quot;expressing their views&quot;. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:30, 10 December 2020 (UTC)
:::::: @BD2412  you said: '''No one gets blocked merely for expressing their views'''.  Is this your personal opinion, the wikiquote community consensus, or something else? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 05:41, 11 December 2020 (UTC)
::::::: [[Wikiquote:Blocking policy]] provides limitations to the circumstances for which an editor can be blocked. Merely expressing views isn't one of them. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 07:02, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

What if an administrator is a bully (in theory of course)? - Anyways, what the readers want isn't very important here, so it seems to be.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:46, 11 December 2020 (UTC)
: There are processes to deal with that as well. Our processes are key to our project being of use to readers. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 02:09, 11 December 2020 (UTC)
:: Great principle! - but the reality is something else. Like told before, I used the official path to stewards, and haven't got reply in 15 months. Why?--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:26, 12 December 2020 (UTC)
::: My experience tells that admins can do whatever they want. Look at the editing history of the Dutch wikiquote: hardly anything but blocks! And this has lasted for years.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:20, 13 December 2020 (UTC)
::::And there are lots of &quot;preventive infinite blocks&quot; - for me too - before one hasn't even edited. Is this what we deserve?--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:25, 15 December 2020 (UTC)
:::::Silence is golden?--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:17, 16 December 2020 (UTC)

Even if he has been blocked on wikipedia (for it appears unclear reasons), why has he been blocked on WQ? This is an user who has made over 100,000 of very helpful edits and contributions to WQ. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;&lt;b&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/sup&gt; 22:34, 26 December 2020 (UTC)

Wikipedians like Sitush are saying this user was blocked on wikipedia for bullying, hounding and personal attacks and for defamations and WP:BLP violations on [[w:WP:BLP|WP:BLP]] pages. What were these personal attacks? {{ping|Ottawahitech}}, you have more experience seeing his edits, can you share with us some of the examples of his bullying others and of his personal attacks by this user? Did you observe this user making personal attacks or bullying other users? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;&lt;b&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/sup&gt; 22:34, 26 December 2020 (UTC)

: Here's something to read: [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Wim_b#Global_block_of_Risto_hot_sir]--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 13:54, 16 December 2020 (UTC) - YaganZ is probably the only neutral person who really has researched the case.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 13:58, 16 December 2020 (UTC)

:: Thanks for the information @80.223.94.56

:: I am new to the subject of global blocks (or is it locks?), so please bear with me. The link that you sent us to is on a talkpage of [[user:Wim b]] on the Meta-wiki. I assume Wim  globally blocked [[User:Risto hot sir]]? I don't know what process is in place for globally locking wmf contributors, but I see that  Wim is not an Administrator, but is a Steward. So I guess Stewards are the ones that decide if a user should be blocked on all wmf-sites?

:: If so, I believe Stewards are incredibly powerful users and would like to find out  whether they are voted in by the community or simply appointed (by who?) [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 19:21, 17 December 2020 (UTC)

:::Yes, Stewards are incredibly powerful users but usually do what administrators suggest - when you look at the time the decision is made: no investigations. And it's very difficult to have contact with them, as I've showed.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:53, 18 December 2020 (UTC)

:::: How are users notified a discussion is taking place to globally block them? In other words which wmf-site is the notice posted to? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 05:30, 18 December 2020 (UTC)

I found [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Risto_hot_sir&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=2618863 this post] on Risto's usertalkpage, I think it demonstarates his intentions with regards to WQ? Thoughts? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:57, 7 January 2021 (UTC)

:Thanks {{ping|Ottawahitech}} for this information from {{ping|Spannerjam}}s talkpage. I think what you said in your edit summaries was spot on:
:: Is Risto motivated to improve WQ?
:: risto spent his own money to purchase a book to help WQ , I assume

:and Im repeating it here because some might not have seen it. Yes I think you are right it demonstarates his good intentions with regards to WQ. Have you seen my comment on Kalki's talkpage? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 21:24, 2 February 2021 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt; Note: I have posted a notice on [[User talk:Wim b|Wim b's talkpage]] letting him know about this discussion. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:27, 18 December 2020 (UTC) &lt;/small&gt;

=== Statement by Wim b ===
I've locked Risto hot sir [[m:Steward_requests/Global/2019-08#Global_lock_for_Risto_hot_sir_and_socks|per request for crosswiki abuse]]. Imho a user blocked in 5 projects is clearly problematic, then evading the global lock through socks is also a way to make fun of the rules that the global community has set itself. I am sorry when I have to block a user who until the day before was an excellent user, but in this case I would not even know how to justify an unblock, but I'll write an email to the other stewards to inform them of this discussion and let's see what comes out. --[[User talk:Wim b|Wim b]] 10:20, 19 December 2020 (UTC)
:: Sent on Saturday, wait if anyone is interested in attending. --[[User talk:Wim b|Wim b]] 18:12, 21 December 2020 (UTC)

::: Thanks for keeping us updated {{Yo|Wim b}} I, for one, appreciate your continued attention to this issue. I don't know how [[COVID]] is affecting wiki activity this year, but I believe that in previous years traffic usually dries up during the last two weeks of December, but then picks up with renewed vigour come January. Please keep us posted on any developments.

::: And for the stats nuts around here, it appears there are now twice as many  eyes on this notice board than on our main [[Wikiquote:Village pump|village pump]] (ask me how I know this  if you are interested) Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:07, 21 December 2020 (UTC)

:::: 27 698 visitors per day on the main page last year, 7 744 in the last 90 days.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 22:40, 21 December 2020 (UTC)

What really wonders many is WHY he was blocked? which policies did he violate? why was he blocked before going through dispute resolution? Wikiquote users would like to know which actual wikipedia policies he violated with which edit(s), and if the user went through dispute resolution before being blocked? I assume that this information is readily available and was consulted before blocking and can be shown here. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;&lt;b&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/sup&gt; 22:34, 26 December 2020 (UTC)

: Yes, it is not clear why  [[User:Risto hot sir]] was originally  blocked on enwiki, and it is also not clear why this user(s) is now globally locked. Do  globally locked users have to be blocked on all wmf-wikis? If so, why are we not involved in steward elections? The Stewards appear to be making decisions about global locks without a community discussion, apparently. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 00:23, 26 December 2020 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] new stewards are elected, and existing stewards require reconfirmation, every year since 2005. (Give or take a few months.) It can be found at [[M:Stewards/Elections]]. It generally runs Feb 8 through Feb 28. [[User:Alsee|Alsee]] ([[User talk:Alsee|talk]]) 08:32, 6 January 2021 (UTC)

=== English Wikiquote blocking policy regarding socks ===

I looked at the [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Blocking_policy WQ blocking policy] link provided by [[user:BD2412]] above to try and figure out if [[User:Babe kebab]] should be blocked on this wmf-site. Here is the pertinent section of the blocking policy regarding socks (I think?):
&lt;blockquote&gt;
Sysops may also block new user accounts that make lots of disruptive edits, for any length of time or permanently, at their discretion. Sockpuppets that were created to violate Wikiquote policy should be blocked permanently. However, blocks should not be used against isolated incidents of disruption from IP addresses nor against user accounts that make a mixture of disruptive and useful edits.
Reincarnations of blocked disruptive users will be reblocked if they continue being disruptive, or if they edit in a way which suggests they are likely to continue being disruptive—such as &quot;YOU CANT BLOCK ME!!&quot; or &quot;JOIN ME IN MY FIGHT TO DESTROY WIKIQUOTE!!&quot;
Blocks under this provision are almost always controversial.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;

discussion? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:43, 11 December 2020 (UTC)

: Is it OK to revert questions, like on the userpage of Vermont? --  14:55, 1 February 2021‎ 86.115.119.192
:: In my opinion, backed up by no actual policy, guideline, or essay, is that a user control's that users talk page. If I'm right then it is okay for a user to revert a question posted their talk page. But another editor should not do that. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 16:31, 2 February 2021 (UTC)

=== What is a sock? ===
In order to have a productive discussionn we need IMIO to define what a sock is.

According to [https://wikimania.wikimedia.org/wiki/2019:Research/Sockpuppet_detection_in_the_English_Wikipedia 2019:Research/Sockpuppet detection in the English Wikipedia]:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
Sockpuppetry is the use of more than one account on any social platform
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
Do you agree with this definition? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:27, 13 December 2020 (UTC)
: Yes. The whole point of having an account is to connect responsibility for edits with the specific editor. Where an individual edits from multiple accounts without disclosing the connection between them, this creates the potential for creating a false impression of the determinations of the community with respect to the conduct of the project. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:24, 14 December 2020 (UTC)

I just found out that a new User I have communicated with is globally locked. I cannot find any discussion of this locking. All [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/FcoonerBCA I see] is the date of locking (2 December 2020), the USERID of the locking Steward, and the wmf-sites this User participated in. Anyone? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]])

* @[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]: From what I have seen, and experienced first-hand years ago, stewards globally lock accounts with little or no critical thinking, simply following requests (sometimes raised by overzealous admins or other users with personal vendettas). Global locks are very difficult to appeal, at least without the help of other users. The users that are globally locked are not so much as notified, thus they cannot defend themselves prior to the global lock. Needless to say, this is a great injustice. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 21:13, 26 December 2020 (UTC)
**{{Yo|DanielTom}} Thanks for providing this interesting commentary, and for pinging me.
{{Collapse top|Comment struck by OP}}
&lt;s&gt;**Here is what I find troubling in the case of the so-called &quot;sock&quot; [[USER:FcoonerBCA]] (who tried to comunicate with me on my user-talkpage):
**According to the  [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/FcoonerBCA global lock notice]  this user was globally '''locked before making any edits to any wmf-site''', I think? The user was globally locked by a steward on November 2, but apparently managed to make 50 edits to 6 separate wmf-sites starting on November 3 and ending November 8, with one of the blocks happening on December2? Just my $.02[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:18, 29 December 2020 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
{{Collapse bottom}}

This is what users who actually looked into the block [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Wim_b#Global_block_of_Risto_hot_sir said] : 
:: '''I know [[User:Risto hot sir|Risto hot sir]] as a comprehensive contributor to  (Latin Wikiquote). Especially his work on  I consider as remarkable and very useful for the benefits of all Latin language Wikimedia projects. Therefore I can't understand, why his account is treated like those of evil spamming and vandalizing intruders, that cause damage to the Foundation's projects. After reading of Risto's permanent global lock, I did some research to understand what had happened, but I didn't find any behaviour that would have to be blamed on him and justified such a harsh treatment. Could you please point me to some facts, specifically, that show the &quot;blatant crosswiki abuse&quot;? Thank you. '''

:: '''Over the years I have crossed paths with Risto many times on the English and Italian Wikiquote and as far as I know it does not seem to me that he has done anything destructive. Where he makes inaccuracies, however, he willingly accepts corrections and cancellations and knows how to improve. Given that he has intervened on so many projects it is natural that he has had problems in someone, his problem is being too active, so to speak, but the global blockade seems to me an excessive measure. '''

:: '''From the viewpoint of Estonian Wikiquotes and Wikipedia, Risto hasn't done anything to deserve the block, hence I see no reason to block an active user from one project just because somebody on a completely different project hates them. And some people certainly have it in for them, because while there are articles about him in Finnish and Estonian Wikipedia, in both of which the local community has discussed their relevance and decided to let it be, some emissaries have been traipsing through, seeking for revenge, and demanding that the natives would delete the articles. That's certainly an interesting attitude.'''

This user has edited almost all wikis. There are hundreds or thousands of them. On some of these small wikis it is very easy to get blocked for some trivial thing. Once Risto got blocked on one small wiki, one can assume here, the next overzealous admin or other user with personal vendettas only had to say this user is already blocked at this small wiki and therefore he should be blocked on this wiki for some trivial thing too, and then he got another block on yet another wiki. And after 3 or 4 of such blocks he got locked.

As [[w:David Auerbach|David Auerbach]] wrote in a well known article about wikis, [https://slate.com/technology/2014/12/wikipedia-editing-disputes-the-crowdsourced-encyclopedia-has-become-a-rancorous-sexist-mess.html the problem instead stems from the fact that administrators and longtime editors have developed a fortress mentality in which they see new editors as dangerous intruders who will wreck their beautiful encyclopedia, and thus antagonize and even persecute them,] and Risto editing in hundreds of wikis increased the risk of this happening to him.  This is what could happen to an user like Risto who edits hundreds of wikis. He only needs to have such a problem in one percent of the wikis he edits, to set in motion a chain reaction. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;&lt;b&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/sup&gt; 22:34, 26 December 2020 (UTC)
:*This doesn't really require a master's thesis. A sock is a user who is evading a block by using a different account, rather than going through the normal unblocking procedure. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 23:36, 27 December 2020 (UTC)

::: @GreenMeansGo, how do you know that all socks never tried to get unblocked? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 23:44, 27 December 2020 (UTC)

:::: &quot;The normal unblocking procedure&quot; has lasted 16 months. &quot;Hierarchy über alles?&quot;--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 23:59, 27 December 2020 (UTC)

::::: @80.223.94.56: Are you saying that the average time for  a blocked user to be unblocked is 16 months? If so, is that specuation? An average? A median? What is your source? thanks in advance. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:17, 28 December 2020 (UTC)
::::*  Note: 80.223.94.56 [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&amp;page=User%3A80.223.94.56 has been blocked] by a local WQ admin. It was my understanding based on a previous post by another local admin that &lt;blockquote&gt;No one gets blocked merely for expressing their views&lt;/blockquote&gt;???  [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]])

::::It doesn't really matter whether you &quot;tried to get unblocked&quot;. There is no &quot;right to contribute&quot;. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 00:13, 28 December 2020 (UTC)

=== Statement by Vermont ===
Okay. I don't exactly have the time to address the problems of every comment here, as that would take a while, but let me recap the Risto hot sir situation for everyone:
*Contributor on a handful of wikis, history of being highly obsessed with edit count (listing it manually on every user page on basically every wiki), and often unwilling to communicate constructively with others.
*One day, Risto decided to start adding images from one Wikiquote article onto Wikiquote articles (and some Wikipedia articles) with the same name in dozens of other languages.
*Many of these images either didn't exactly fit with the article (different language), and a lot of them actually included English captions on non-English projects.
*Myself, other global sysops, and local editors noticed these mass-additions and started removing the English captions. In some cases, Risto reverted our removals, re-adding the English captions.
*Risto was asked on some of these Wikiquotes, by local administrators, to stop. Risto refused on some, and on others openly challenged the local administrators in a hostile manner.
*After a short period of time, Risto was blocked on: the English Wikipedia, the Dutch Wikipedia, the Dutch Wikiquote, the Spanish Wikiquote, and the Simple English Wikipedia. On each of these projects you can see Risto's edits and talk pages for the specific conversations and problems that preceded their blocks.
*Risto continued adding images to many articles cross-wiki, seemingly with no purpose other than to increase their edit count. Fortunately, they stopped using English captions, but their edits remained questionable in terms of helpfulness.
*Of course, up to this point nothing necessitated a lock, as though there were blocks on multiple projects there was no specific cross-wiki abuse.
*This changed when Risto created a sockpuppet account to edit their userpages on wikis where they were blocked. In creating a sockpuppet account to evade blocks on multiple projects, that constituted cross-wiki abuse, and there was no option other than a global lock. You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere. 
*After being locked, Risto started socking with IP addresses and other accounts, as well as leaving hostile comments to people he blames for the consequences of his cross-wiki abuse. 
*At this point, nearly a year and a half since the account was locked, Risto is considered a long-term abuser on multiple projects, and their accounts are blocked and locked on sight.
For more detailed general information (and what is basically a timeline), you can see Risto's talk page on this project and the comments myself and others left in May 2019 and later, their Meta-Wiki edits and content about them (specifically the section(s) about them on the Stewards Noticeboard), and related pages on the specific wikis they are blocked on. This is an incredibly straightforward case. Currently, they have been engaged in block and lock evasion for well over a year. No appeal is reasonably possible so long as they continue to be an LTA. If you have any questions, please ping me and I will be happy to answer them. Best regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:10, 31 December 2020 (UTC)

:{{Yo|Vermont}} Thanks for stepping forward to explain the point of view of (all?) Adminstrators and Stewards involved in the blocking and susequent global locking of [[User:Risto hot sir]]. I don't know about others, but I would like to see this user unblocked, so that they can answer these allegations. I don't believe it is a fair process otherwise. Just my $.02 [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:39, 1 January 2021 (UTC)
::They are not allegations, they are facts. Risto even acknowledges both the original sockpuppet (which they used to edit wikis they were blocked on) and their continued socking, even participating in this discussion. The lock can be appealed by emailing the Stewards, but I highly doubt there is a chance of it being a successful appeal, especially considering the dozens of socks and continuing socking. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:02, 1 January 2021 (UTC)
::::Thank you Vermont for this information. However without any diffs it makes it impossible to follow and check, especially because the edits are scattered across half a dozen or more wikis. In addition you should also mention the name of the sockpuppet account Risto used &quot;to edit their userpages on wikis where they were blocked&quot;. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 12:11, 2 January 2021 (UTC)

:{{Yo|Vermont}} I have a question regarding your opening comment where you said this about [[User: Risto hot sir]]: &lt;blockquote&gt;history of being highly obsessed with edit count &lt;/blockquote&gt;. 
:This is my question: do you  believe that Users in general should limit the number of edits they make? I believe such sentiments are usually expressed by [[w:Wikipedia:Recent changes patrol|patrollers]] who on enwiki are a group of editors &quot;who check the of various articles for inappropriate edits&quot; (I don't know if wikiquote has a similar group of editors checking [[special:Recentchanges]]) [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:34, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
::Hello [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]! I am not saying users should limit their edits; rather, I was implying that the general correlation of [[:w:en:WP:editcountitis|editcountitis]] and self-importance applies here. Generally, users so concerned with their outward appearance in edit count are less concerned with simply improving the project. One of Risto’s initial defenses for their disruptive image and caption adding was that a small percentage of their edits were contested; yes, only a few hundred out thousands, but for obvious reasons Risto’s logic in that is flawed.  Risto’s first sock was created to update their edit count figures on user pages at wikis they were blocked on. Hope this helps, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:08, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
:::It wasn't a sock but the other username mentioned long before the block. It had to be created due to vandalism. It wasn't blocked, and the user pages had false information. Is it really a sin to correct own user pages?--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 22:50, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

Many times have I already told that I've emailed the Stewards 16 months ago. No answer. But let's look closer at the beginning:
- The Dutch wikiquote seems to want to block as many users as possible (see the editing history). The reason is often &quot;a typical name of a spammer&quot;.
- The Dutch wikipedia blocked me after a couple of contributions. &quot;Don't bite the newcomers&quot;?
- Vermont blocked me at Simple English wikipedia without me certainly having done anything disruptive there.
- At Spanish wikiquote I already wrote &quot;adios!&quot; politely - and got blocked immediately.
- At English wikipedia the keyword was &quot;censorship&quot;. People who want to prevent folks to read other opinions than theirs don't like that word.
- Vermont even thanked me for not copying English texts of images anymore. After that I've added thousands of images without revertings.
- &quot;Wanting to increase edit counts&quot; is ridiculous. Nobody would even know the amount unless some eager detectives had drawn them together.
So admins &quot;with severe conducting problems&quot; can do whatever they want, but why to let 'em vandalize friendly wikis (all but seven ones)? Comments please!--[[User:Armas Eesti|Armas Eesti]] ([[User talk:Armas Eesti|talk]]) 21:40, 1 January 2021 (UTC)

: I have also been blocked on Dutch Wikipedia. I didn't really break any rules, they just found my language ability to be deficient and blocked me. I would vouch for Risto Hot Sir to come back. As far as I have seen his edits have not been disruptive. But I agree with BD2412 that you should follow due appeal protocol and not create sock puppet accounts. [[User:Spannerjam|Spannerjam]] ([[User talk:Spannerjam|talk]]) 17:51, 4 January 2021 (UTC)

:::{{Yo|Spannerjam}} Nice to see more members of the WQ community chiming in. As far as:&lt;blockquote&gt;you should follow due appeal protocol and not create sock puppet accounts&lt;/blockquote&gt; [https://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/language/2012/09/120924_todays_phrase_horse_to_water.shtml You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink]? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:18, 4 January 2021 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt; Note: I have posted a notice on [[User talk:Tks4Fish |Tks4Fish 's talkpage]] letting them know about this discussion. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:43, 4 January 2021 (UTC) &lt;/small&gt;

:&quot;No one is as blind as the one who doesn't want to see.&quot;--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 21:37, 4 January 2021 (UTC)

Risto continues to sock, both with accounts and IPs here. Again, so long as this remains true, no appeal for the lock or local blocks will be possible. And to address evident confusion from editors here, though Risto may not have engaged in disruptive editing on the English Wikiquote, their crosswiki abuse necessitated a lock. There is no button that blocks someone from every wiki except one, nor is there any logical reason for why such a person would continue to be entertained by the community. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 21:47, 4 January 2021 (UTC)

:&quot;Naughty boy, you shall not contribute, or...!&quot; So what's &quot;or&quot;? Just revert my useful edits - then we'll see what happens! One year ago I've waited long enough for the answers. The Stewarts should get rid of the harmful admins instead. Do you want the names? There's endless work to do to make wikis better - and I guess Vermont will not do my job.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:39, 5 January 2021 (UTC)

::Alsee (He-who-sees-everything) has plans to mass revert all my contributions. I'm not against it. So go on! - damnae memoriae.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 00:56, 6 January 2021 (UTC)

I-who-see-everything (because I have the extraordinary ability to click a contributions link?), say that this entire discussion should be shut down as a waste of time and more evidence of this user's disruptiveness. Crosswiki abuse and global locks are debated and resolved on Meta, not here. I have filed a request for a global IP rangeblock.

This user (Risto/IP) has abundantly demonstrated a gross disregard for community rules, both with flagrant socking and in general. Anyone who disagrees with them gets attacked and cast as a comic-book villain in their personal persecution drama. They are unwilling or unable to appropriately deal with disagreements with other editors. They believe they are right and that that ''entitles'' them to violate any and all rules, entitles them to wage a self-righteous war, and to attack editors/admins/stewards as villains. The most important criteria for working in a collaborative project is being willing and able to acceptably deal with others. Their posts in this section alone provide abundant evidence of the problem. [[User:Alsee|Alsee]] ([[User talk:Alsee|talk]]) 08:19, 6 January 2021 (UTC)

{{anchor|Ehitaja}}
:In my experience, I have disagreed with Risto a lot, completely remade a lot of his pages and edits, and he has never attacked me or anyone else in the projects where I've been an active contributor (mostly, Estonian Wikipedia and Wikiquote). I find the attitude of the part of the English Wikipedia community that has decided they rule over all the other projects, high and mighty, and can make their dismissive judgement about those based on their personal likes and dislikes, much more troublesome. One example mentioned above: someone hops into a project in which they don't even speak the language, marks Risto's pages for deletion, and hops out, uninterested in any discussion or the opinion of the locals. Another example: in the discussion mentioned above in which a couple of English users decided to forbid adding English Wikiquote links into English Wikipedia, it was based on arguments like &quot;Wikiquote is broken, like Commons&quot;. English Wikiquote has a lot of problems, sure, but so does en.wp. And this colonial attitude does nothing to solve any problems. Like cited above, there are projects in which Risto has been clearly constructive, and blocking him there is NOT for the benefit of those project or their users. Risto has his faults, he doesn't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer and makes errors of judgement, but from the viewpoint of the projects where he has been useful, his faulty decisions are much less troublesome than those of the English community members who care nothing about the projects over which they exercise their powers. He may have been disruptive in some other project, but now this has turned just into game of whack-a-mole, where he's being blocked because he's being blocked. --[[User:Ehitaja|Ehitaja]] ([[User talk:Ehitaja|talk]]) 11:03, 6 January 2021 (UTC)

*{{Yo|Alsee}} Do you really believe this discussion is a waste of time and should be shutdown immediately? I agree that it is foolhardy to attack you personally in this forum that is populated mainly by locals, many of whom support [[User:Risto hot sir]]. I for one truly appreciate hearing from anyone who has views that are different than mine, and who does it without resorting to name-calling.

:I don't know if you, or any of the admins such as [[User: GreenMeansGo]] and [[User: Vermont]],  have ever been blocked, but as others who have participated in this discussion, I have (blocked 4 times and unblocked once, on other wmf sites).  There are tens of thousands of blocked accounts, and only a handful of them have been unblocked, and stayed unblocked. As you said, socking ( which is not the only reason for blocks) are a major problem which wastes a lot of productive time of many many volunteers. Even [[Jimbo]] said back in  2014  :&lt;blockquote&gt;A lot of them, they really cost more than they're worth&lt;/block&gt;

:However, I believe we have a unique opportunity here dealing with a [[/horse]] that many have tried to lead to water, but this horse can articulate  the reason for his refusal  to  drink. Not only that, this horse can apparently do this in several &quot;foreign&quot; Languages, something most here cannot. I therefore do not believe this discussion should be shutdown prematurely, before we as a community can learn from it. Opinions? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:52, 10 January 2021 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] I see no productive discussion or outcome here. Crosswiki abuse and global locks are handled at Meta, and the individual involved is entrenched in warfare. They apparently feel entitled to flagrantly violate all rules and spew personal attacks. That's the end of that.
::You and I are willing to engage differing views, we are willing to respect rules and process and consensus when our personal views do not prevail. This user has positioned themselves as fundamentally at war with that. I accept the position they have defined for themself. That position is incompatible with participating in this community. Consider someone who gets a parking ticket, and escalates into a crusade against the establishment with subsequent felony convictions. They're not removed from society because of the parking ticket, they are removed from society because they are unwilling or unable behave in a civilized manner. This user knew they were violating the rules, and they just keep escalating and attacking. [[User:Alsee|Alsee]] ([[User talk:Alsee|talk]]) 23:07, 10 January 2021 (UTC)
:::The community should now realize that this is like fighting against an army of lawyers who try to prove that 2+2=5. In Europe we still believe in facts and common sense. Would you tell the Swedes - when I have the book of 17,000 quotes - that I can't write 'em? There hasn't been much progress recently at the sv-wq.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 01:32, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
::* {{Yo|Alsee}} You say that the fate of [[User:Risto hot sir]] should be discussed at Meta not ar WQ, but here is something you may have missed in this garbled discussion: there is a handful of ''WQ contributors'' and ''participants from other small wikis'' who support Risto's position. Those individuals would not be able to support Risto if the discussion was taking place at Meta. Why do I say this? Simply because WQ is a safe haven for users who post their opinions without fear of reprisal. Yes it is true that I myself have not resorted to sockpuppeting, but I am not allowed to participate in Meta discussions, so would not be able to participate in any discussion outside WQ.
::: As far as equating Risto with someone who gets a parking ticket, IMIO you are way off. Risto is fighting for his wiki-existence, not a wiki-parking ticket. Back to you and the comnuity, cheers, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 00:57, 24 January 2021 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], Risto broke rules on multiple projects, and was blocked on those projects, some of which after heated and insulting arguments with local administrators. Risto created a sockpuppet to edit the projects they were blocked on. For cross-wiki abuse, they were locked. This is incredibly straightforward. Regarding Meta-Wiki, though I understand your view seems to be that every project except Wikiquote is full of admins who block users as reprisal for undesired opinions, your experience in that area is incredibly limited. In fact, Meta-Wiki is often (unfortunately) seen as a place for users blocked on other projects to go debate their issues, though we try to keep it limited to issues of cross-wiki importance. Regardless, as I noted when I imposed a block on your account back in April, I would be more than happy to review it were you to appeal the block. Your behavior now seems markedly different (in a good way) from your behavior then, when you were literally asking long-term vandals for advice, and as such the reasons for your block on Meta-Wiki no longer stand. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:59, 25 January 2021 (UTC)

=== Roadmap for readers (Babe kebab) ===
I came up with the following roadmap or those who are as confused as I am about ''what is what'' and ''who is who'' in the above discussion. I did this by simply following links available to anyone, registered or not (I think?).

I believe an informed community is a better community. I hope this roadmap helps readers get informed.

Babe kebab (A Globally locked WQ User)
* Babe kebab is the topic of this discussion ([[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=Babe+kebab&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;wpfilters%5B%5D=newusers WQ block log])
* Babe kebab is  a &quot;blatant Risto sock&quot; referring to [[User: Risto hot sir]] ([https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=Risto+hot+sir&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;wpfilters%5B%5D=newusers WQ block log])([https://xtools.wmflabs.org/ec/en.wikiquote/Risto%20hot%20sir supercount])
*[[User:80.223.94.56]] is a &quot;sock&quot; of Risto ([https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=80.223.94.56&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;wpfilters%5B%5D=newusers  WQ block log])
*[[User:Armas Eesti]] is also a &quot;sock&quot; of Risto  ([https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=Armas+Eesti&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;wpfilters%5B%5D=newusers  WQ block log])
* There is no denial or dispute on socking. Risto socks and IPs often explicitly or implicitly acknowledge their identify. (Examples [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk%3AWim_b&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=19346831&amp;oldid=19339814 IP 80.223.94.X acknowledges they were blocked as Risto and acknowledges owning the account used to circumvent their block], and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote%3AAdministrators%27_noticeboard&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=2901493&amp;oldid=2901490 Babe kebab confirms their prior edit count when identified as Risto])

BD2412 (WQ Admin and Bureaucrat)
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators#Bureaucrats_and_stewards Bureaucrat on WQ]
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators Administrator on WQ]
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikisource:Administrators Administrator] on ([https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Main_Page Wikisource])
*[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wiktinary:Administrators Administrator] on [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wiktionary:Main_Page Wiktionary]

GMG (WQ Admin and Bureaucrat)
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators#Bureaucrats_and_stewards Bureaucrat on WQ]
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators Administrator on WQ]
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Small_Wiki_Monitoring_Team member of the Small Wiki Monitoring Team]

Vermont (Global-sysop Meta Admin)
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Global_sysops Global sysop]
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Meta:Administrators Meta:Administrator]
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Small_Wiki_Monitoring_Team member of the Small Wiki Monitoring Team]  
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/OTRS/Users OTRS/]User ([https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/OTRS Open-Source Ticket Request System])

Wim b (Steward who globally locked Risto hot sir)
*[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Stewards Steward]
*This user's main account is on the english [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wiktionary:Main_Page Wiktionary]
*[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Sockpuppetry#Legitimate_uses alternative account] *[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Wimmo Wimmo]

&lt;small&gt;Note: Please feel free to add yourself to this list (if you are a participant in this discussion) and to correct errors [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:41, 8 January 2021 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

So I can't defend myself! And I wasn't the one who started personal attacks and rule breaking.--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 17:11, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
* I'm not sure what this discussion is supposed to accomplish. We cannot overturn a global lock even if we wanted to. It's not a function of any role in the local toolkit, nor within our power as members of the global community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:42, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
** Wait, what?  We have no say in how our community is run? Would you please elaborate. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:18, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
** {{Yo|GreenMeansGo}} Your puzzling comment above forced me to start investigating policy, which is something I would rather not do. Here is what I found &lt;small&gt;(thanks to [[User: Alsee]])&lt;/small&gt; at  [[M:Stewards]]: &lt;blockquote&gt;The use of steward rights is restricted by policy; stewards will not use their technical access when there are local users who can use that access, except in emergencies. &lt;/blockquote&gt;
** So let me ask a stupid question: Since WQ has its own local admins why are Stewards involved here in the first place? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:04, 12 January 2021 (UTC)
***{{re|Ottawahitech}} Stewards may not intervene in an administrative function when there are sufficient local admins. A global lock is not an administrative function. It is exclusively a steward function. Even as a bureaucrat, I do not have the technical ability to either enact or override a global lock. By policy, they may not enact a global lock unless a user has been indefinitely banned on multiple projects, but once a lock is in place, appealing a local block is irrelevant. Only the stewards may reverse the action. Only then may local project decide to unblock. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:52, 12 January 2021 (UTC)
*** It is also worth noting that a global lock is ''global''. covering literally hundreds of Wikimedia projects, with there being well over a hundred languages have their own-language Wikipedia, and most of those having at least one other active Wikimedia project (a Wikiquote, Wiktionary, Wikisource, etc.) under that language. It may be unlikely that an editor globally locked solely for activity involving English language wikis will suddenly begin to misbehave on Latvian Wiktionary or Vietnamese Wikisource, but it is nonetheless impractical for each local Wiki to address the potential for a problematic editor to invade any one of those hundreds of sites. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 15:53, 12 January 2021 (UTC)
Do those wikis want to be protectorates? Have you asked?

* Protectorates? Not entirely clear what this is supposed to mean. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:23, 15 January 2021 (UTC)

Read what Ehitaja wrote above.

===  The blocking of '''Risto hot sir''' ===
Here is my reading of this thread, so far:

This thread by [[User:BD2412]] which started out almost two months ago was about the globally blocked user [[User:Babe kebab]]. However right from the start it was apparent that the concern of this community is about the the blocking of [[User:Risto hot sir]]  who   was globally blocked on 20 August 2019 and chose to create socks in order  to continue their work on wmf-wikis. ''Babe kebab'' was one of the socks created by Risto for this purpose. Before being globally blocked Risto made 94,787 global edits.

Risto was never directly  blocked on enWQ where they made 39,148 edits (see [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=User%3ARisto+hot+sir&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;subtype= Risto's blocklog]). Only 2.5% of those edits have been deleted. (see [https://xtools.wmflabs.org/ec/en.wikiquote.org/Risto%20hot%20sir  Edit  counter supercount]) The block log on  the Finish WQ, where Risto made 28,778 edits, does show some  blocking activity (see: [https://fi.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Toiminnot:Loki/block&amp;page=Käyttäjä%3ARisto+hot+sir fiWQ block log]), in the Finish language. Those of us who do not speak Finish will have to use a translation program to follow what happened there or rely on the English testimony of Finish speakers.

The issue for this community is: why can't Risto continue editing here. Based on the testimony of local participants in this thread, Risto has been very beneficial at enWQ. There is also a more general concern starting to build up about the role Stewards play in such a cases.

Plug:     [[Wikiquote:Village_pump#WikiMedia_Foundation_Steward_elections_start_February_5,_2021|WikiMedia Foundation Steward elections start February 5, 2021]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:15, 3 February 2021 (UTC) Updated with links [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:15, 3 February 2021 (UTC)

:Risto claimed: no decent reasons for blocking have been represented and nobody is willing to admit it. - Instead of answering to the essential questions one Big Brother chose the easiest way: eliminating. From now on it's the question of freedom of speech. Risto also claimed  that users on Estonian Wikiquote said: Right now, this user has been only useful in this project. [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Savonhelmi]

:Looking at why he got blocked on the wiki projects, Risto said that the Dutch wikiquote and Dutch wikipedia block many users for no clear reasons at all. Another user Spannerjam also said that he got blocked on dutch wiki because he of language skills. At English wikipedia, Risto said the keyword was &quot;censorship&quot;. People who want to prevent folks to read other opinions than theirs don't like that word. It is claimed Risto was blocked because of personal attacks and censorship and bullying. I could not find clear personal attacks by this user Risto. It seems that the personal attack was when Risto said &quot;just despotism&quot; which he said in the heat of the moment. Is this remark &quot;just despotism&quot;  really a personal attack? Calling somebody a despot would be a personal attack but this? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 14:46, 15 February 2021 (UTC)

::Vermont used ONESTRIKE at Simple English wikipedia to block Risto hot sir &lt;s&gt;(and Ottawahitech also)&lt;/s&gt;. Should there have been at least one disruptive edit to do so? And Spanish wikiquote presented no reason for blocking. Everything's OK?--[[Special:Contributions/80.223.94.56|80.223.94.56]] 00:54, 17 February 2021 (UTC) comment stricken by [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:49, 17 February 2021 (UTC)

{{Collapse top|offtopic}}
{{Yo|80.223.94.56}} I appreciate your continued participation but must make a factual correction: I was NOT blocked by [[User:Vermont]] on simple. Here is my block log: https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special%3AContributions%2FOttawahitech [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:27, 17 February 2021 (UTC)
{{Collapse bottom}}

==== Opinions: Risto should NOT have been blocked ====
Some users have said that the blocks were political. Risto also said that his socking was for [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Xaosflux&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=2491577 technical reason] here, and it seems some have misrepresented this. Some of the users have made the completely absurd and mendacious claim that I was a sock of this user, which makes one question if the claims about this user are as absurd.

His other crime was censorship. Even if Risto was guilty of crime of censorship he should have gone through dispute resolution before being blocked. Other users have said Risto's censorship was mistakenly called 'vandalism' when it is just a content dispute. Risto explained, this seemed to be quite clearly a case of censorship (wanting to prevent people to read quotes). Risto said Wikiquote does not care who is right or wrong, all quotes of notable people are welcome.
*Clarification. By Risto's crime of censorship is of course meant the crime of his '''opposition''' to censorship, censorship is not a crime on wikipedia. Risto said: no decent reasons for blocking have been represented and nobody is willing to admit it. - Instead of answering to the essential questions one Big Brother chose the easiest way: eliminating. From now on it's the question of freedom of speech. And Risto said:- At English wikipedia the keyword was &quot;censorship&quot;. People who want to prevent folks to read other opinions than theirs don't like that word.

Risto's other crime was bullying in wikipedia, like adding interwiki links at wikipedia. This bullying (adding interwiki links on WP) was disliked by User Sitush, but some users have said this is a content dispute instead. The same user Sitush also opposes the addition of other interwiki links, like links to Italian language wikipedia, and various other wikipedians have opposed various interwiki links for various reasons.

For example, another reason for Risto's block at wikipedia, Risto adding an image with a quote to an article was called 'vandalism' and reverted. As David Auerbach wrote in a well known article about wikis, the problem instead stems from the fact that administrators and longtime editors have developed a fortress mentality in which they see new editors as dangerous intruders who will wreck their beautiful encyclopedia, and thus antagonize and even persecute them, and this could be what happened there, where simply adding an image or trying to make a very biased article more neutral can get you blocked. He may have been blocked for adding WQ links to WP and adding an image with a quote in two articles at wikipedia, and the wikipedia articles were extremely pov and it seems that Risto's attempt at NPOV was disliked.  But this was a BLP article that contained BLP violations, and BLP policy in theory should protect users who attempt at NPOV.

Risto should have gone through dispute resolution and some users have said what happened instead is that some wikipedians asked their admin-friends on wikipedia to get Risto blocked.

For example, in a similar case, when one googles the same involved users in the Risto case, the same users who got Risto blocked on WP, first result is this comment 
:&quot;A great example of the problems Bishonen's power causes..... There is no reason at all that little Sitush needs to ask the opinion of this one Administrator, his Queen and protector. The query could easily be raised on AN/I, or an Administrator could be summoned to the AfD where the issue is relevant, and has already been discussed there, between editors. The only reason he has come crawling to his Queen, cap in hand, is because he thinks she will help him, because he, of course, already has a strong opinion. He doesn't think it should be acceptable, not least since it reduces the chances he will be on the winning side at that AfD, and so he hopes Bishonen will warn or even block for it, and strike every canvassed vote. He may be out of luck, since as I've said before, Bishonen isn't minded to do stupid stuff just because one of her stupid little gang wants her to. But they still ask, because if they were smart, they wouldn't need her protection.&quot;

I'm not saying that this is exactly what happened with Risto. In the Risto case Sitush did not go trough dispute resolution about Risto, and did not go to a neutral noticeboard, but asked Bishonen. Risto should have gone through dispute resolution. And Risto was also accused of canvassing. But other users said canvassing  and forum shopping can also be when one asks like minded, involved admins (involved due to many prior similar interactions and same support), instead of going trough a dispute resolution processes. Risto was blocked soon after Sitush asked Bishonen about Risto.

Other users have said this blocking of Risto is typical how many honest  contributors like Risto-hot-sir are driven away or outright blocked simply because they criticize NPOV or BLP violations for example.

Did Risto receive  a reason based on wikipedia policy for the ban?

Some users said that adding &quot;interwiki links to Wikipedia articles&quot; is not against wikipedia policy, somoe wikipedians have also opposed even interwiki links to the Italian language wikipedia and to other wikipedia projects.

Other users said, I would dare to say that Wikipedia has become a rather unfriendly place, where the police shoot first, and ask questions later. Sadly this frustrated and driven out many regular, honest contributors.

Risto was  one of our best and most active editors at WQ. I believe that if an editor was so useful to WQ as a tireless wikignome and asset to the project, he should not have been treated this way. For example, admins could have asked for a block review. Some users said his crime it seems was trying to argue against censorship or bias. By looking at what other users have said about the blocking of Risto, I have still not found out which wikipedia policy merits such a treatment. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 18:56, 27 February 2021 (UTC)

: @ო Thank you so much for carrying out this elaborate research. It must have taken you a lot of time, and it is appreciated.

: I would also like to share some information pertinent to this case. I believe that Risto should NOT have been globally locked by [[User: Wim b]] at the request of global sysadmin [[User:Vermont]]. I believe Risto's global lock was done in contravention of written policy:
:* [[Meta:Global bans]]
:* [[Meta:Global blocks]]

: Here is my interpretation of these two policies: 
:* Global locks are reserved for blocking users who engage in cross-wiki unambiguous vandalism, spamming, etc. on wmf-wikis.  Global blocks are NOT  intended to cover &quot;trolling&quot; or similar behaviour, let alone content disputes. The  latter should be handled via a Global ban.

:* A Global ban is  a formal revocation of editing or other access privileges (use of &quot;Special:EmailUser&quot; for example) across all Wikimedia projects. It reflects a broad and clear '''community consensus'''. Here is an [[M:Requests for comment/Slowking4|example of an RFC]] initiated with the intention of Globally banning a wikimediqn active at a different wmf-wiki.

: Since I am currently blocked on Meta, I would like to state that I am  posting this in order to share information with other wikiquotians. I am not asking anyone to  &quot;edit by proxy&quot; on Meta on my behalf. Just to clarify [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:47, 27 February 2021 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], I'll explain it again. Risto's lock has nothing to do with a content dispute. Risto's lock was in response to their creation of a sockpuppet to evade blocks on multiple projects. That is unambiguous cross-wiki abuse. Further, after their lock they continued creating sockpuppets, and are ''still'' evading their lock and blocks. Best, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:45, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
:::Could you please explain your ONESTRIKE at Simple English wikipedia? And why haven't you reverted the about 30,000 edits that Risto's &quot;sockpuppets&quot; have done? How many LOCAL admins support your opinions?--[[User:Ivalon Olavi|Ivalon Olavi]] ([[User talk:Ivalon Olavi|talk]]) 01:50, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
::::Hello, {{u|Ivalon Olavi}}. ONESTRIKE is used on simple wiki to block problematic users who are banned in other projects, so as Ritso was then banned in some projects, hence, {{u|Vermont}} used this reason to block him. It is a blocking decision done by an individual admin and no consensus is needed for ONESTRIKE. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 15:01, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
::::I am a local admin (and checkuser) on the Simple English Wikipedia. As for how many other local admins there agree with my block, probably all of them, as I am unaware of any who endorse sockpuppetry and disruptive editing. And regarding your current cross-wiki abuse (multiple socks and IPs adding images with English captions to small wikis), please stop. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:46, 28 February 2021 (UTC)

Cannot find such images.

=== There is no way to appeal Global-locks on-wiki ===

The only way to appeal Global-locks is thru email! This was confirmed by [[User:MarcoAurelio]] who is a Steward participating in the current 2021-Steward-elections: &lt;blockquote&gt; The only way globally locked users can appeal their locks is though OTRS at {{email|stewards|wikimedia.org}} &lt;/blockquote&gt;

For original text:

[[Meta:Talk:Stewards/Confirm/2021/MarcoAurelio#Official appeal procedure for globally locked users]]. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:07, 15 February 2021 (UTC)

=== Why are we discussing here ===
Hello, as someone reading into this, why are we discussing the lock of someone here. Appeals to global lock will be done via email to stewards using stewards@wikimedia.org. I will suggest those who are asking for an unlock or whatsoever to email to that address. Discussing here isn't productive and won't lead to an unlock anyway. My 2 cents. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 14:59, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
* Risto has emailed to stewards 1,5 years ago (two times) and hasn't got an answer.--[[User:Ivalon Olavi|Ivalon Olavi]] ([[User talk:Ivalon Olavi|talk]]) 16:13, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
::Generally speaking, stewards do not consider appeals by actively-editing LTAs. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:48, 28 February 2021 (UTC)
* {{Yo| Camouflaged Mirage}} the reason I am discussing this here is because I believe that Stewards are interfering with this community's ability to build content to share with the world at large. Why did Sewards globally lock Risto without community input as the process in [[Meta:Global bans|Meta's own policy]] requires? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:33, 2 March 2021 (UTC)
**{{re|Ottawahitech}} That global ban =/= global lock. Global lock policy is at [[Meta:Global lock]]. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 18:50, 2 March 2021 (UTC)
*** {{Yo|Camouflaged Mirage}}  Global lock is not listed as a Meta policy, it is simply an essay. Please see: [[Meta:Meta:Policies and guidelines]]. Regards, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 01:09, 3 March 2021 (UTC)
****{{re|Ottawahitech}} Yeah, but as the page writes &quot;There is no community-approved policy governing global locks, but this list represents de facto practice.&quot;, so that is the de facto policy. They are globally locked so this is what applies, not global bans content. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 13:34, 3 March 2021 (UTC)
* There is literally nothing a local discussion can accomplish. And no, the stewards are highly unlikely to unlock an account that is actively involved in lock evasion.
: If someone wants to make a symbolic act of protest, then symbolic act of protest noted. There is nothing else to do here. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:36, 3 March 2021 (UTC)
:: {{Yo|:GreenMeansGo}} I beg to differ. As [[Jimmy Wales]] said: &lt;blockquote&gt;We should be: kind, thoughtful, passionate about getting it right, open, tolerant of different viewpoints, open to criticism, bold about changing our policies and also cautious about changing our policies&lt;/blockquote&gt;

:: Why imply this community has no say in how Stewards conduct themselves? Why are Stewards removing contributing members of this community?  Why can we not openly discuss issues with the way we are being treated by Stewards?

:: I have been working on [[WQ:SheSaid]] a project started here last year by [[User:Anthere]] (see: [[Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_57#SheSaid]]) alongside with other committed members of the WQ community. Stewards have been interfering with the composition of the small group of individuals who have  been working tirelessly at WQ to build up content here. A loss of an active contributor is a blow to those of us working in this area. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:21, 4 March 2021 (UTC)
:::I'm not &quot;implying&quot; anything at all. Local communities do not exercise oversight regarding global actions. I'm sorry that this isn't a deeply satisfying answer, but it's the only answer there is to give. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:39, 4 March 2021 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your definition of a constructive, active contributor is an editor with well over a year of cross-wiki disruption experience, dozens of locked sockpuppets, and multiple conduct-related blocks on their initial account, there is nothing to discuss. You're simply wrong. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:03, 4 March 2021 (UTC)
:::Expanding on the above, let me supply an analogy: John works at a store. Steve also works at that store. One day, John decides it would be a good idea to throw rocks at the windows of other stores. John is arrested. Steve, who liked the work that John did at their store, demands that John be released because it harms the output of their store. Is that reasonable? No. Why? Because releasing John would mean that they could continue to vandalize other stores. We do not prioritize any one project by unlocking a user who has dozens of sockpuppets blocked on other projects. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:07, 4 March 2021 (UTC)

::::: @Vermont: If john was the only person in the neighborhood throwing rocks, and Steve the only one complaining I would probably agree with you. However what we are witnessing here is thousands of users throwing rocks and many honest citizens upset at the police (admins/stewards), not at the rock-throwers. Maybe it's time to ask John why he is throwing rocks? Why is he willing to risk his  job? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:29, 5 March 2021 (UTC)

=== Appeal for an enwikiquote sysop to close this section ASAP ===
This had turned into mudslinging where a gloablly locked user, via IP socks as proxies, are able to hurl such insults to some other users [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=2935813 in this diff] and the rest. This is clearly grossly unacceptable behaviour and should be stop as soon as possible. This thread should be immediately closed to prevent more such occurrences. Thanks. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 13:40, 7 March 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 02:22, 8 March 2021 (UTC)

===  Request to reconsider the closing the above discussion ===
{{Yo|DannyS712}} I would like you to reconsider your closing of this discussion. As one of the main contributors to the discussion, I believe you did not read it carefully enough before reaching your conclusions, while basing your decision on the request of one participant who, I also believe, did not fully take the time to try and understand the issues we were discussing.

The reason the WQ community got invloved in this lengthy discussion is:
* Evidence that Risto's global block/lock is not based on policy, indeed an example was provided of another user accused of of being sockpuppeter who escaped a Global block/lock after the community was allowed to participate in the discussion as per Steward policy.
* The concept that the admin function is to serve the community, not to control it.
* The rights of this comunity to conduct its own affairs without intervention from outside interests

Many participants came here in good faith to voice their opinions in a respectful manner. There was also participation from the blocked user, which I am surprised to see is not welcomed by some. What a missed opportunity to try and understand why so many users keep coming back as socks ([[w:Category:Wikipedia sockpuppeteers|over 20,000]] at enwiki alone). Regardless of your opinion of the merits of those edits, removal of those comments from the discussion are not acceptable in a civil discussion when the alternative is to collapse them. That way someone's words are not permanently removed from the archive records, but are not visible to those who choose not to see them.

'''I would greatly appreciate others giving DannyS712, whose opinion I respect, a chance to reply fully before burrying this thread with their own opinions'''. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:52, 11 March 2021 (UTC)

::This was Ottawahitech's last edit before he blanked his userpage and appears to have retired from wikiquote. Another valuable and active wikignome lost? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 14:43, 24 March 2021 (UTC)

:@[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] &quot;There was also participation from the blocked user, which I am surprised to see is not welcomed by some.&quot; you should not be surprised that blocked users are not welcome. I read through the whole discussion repeatedly, contrary to your assertion. I based my decision on relevant policies and the discussion that played out, not the views of one participant. As for whether or not Risto's lock was not based on policy, again, that should be taken up with stewards. The essay [[:w:Wikipedia:Just drop it]] comes to mind - you are also starting a discussion at [[Wikiquote:Village pump#Closing discussion because of so-called %22mudslinging%22]]. Enough is enough. [[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 16:29, 11 March 2021 (UTC)
:Also, removal of comments by LTAs is absolutely acceptable, when the alternative (to collapse them) lends them more legitimacy [[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 16:30, 11 March 2021 (UTC)

::@[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] I think DannyS712 had made his point clear. I shall then make my point as you desired. Contrary to your assertion, I had read through the entire discussion multiple times before making the request. In addition, I would doubt those discussions are civil in nature, the very diff that prompted me to label the input of a risto hot sir IP sock (which is globally blocked) is clearly not civil as explained at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Leaderboard&amp;diff=2936524&amp;oldid=2936486#You_are_way_out_of_line here]. In addition, you had taken this issue up at your talkpage, here on AN, on the village pumps and the talk pages of several users. I think this isn't helpful to the discussion to have it at many disparate pages. [[User:Camouflaged Mirage|Camouflaged Mirage]] ([[User talk:Camouflaged Mirage|talk]]) 16:44, 11 March 2021 (UTC)
* The discussion is closed. Take it up with the stewards. As has been repeatedly explained, there is nothing to do here. Repeatedly opening this discussion in multiple forums is beginning to border on disruption. Take it up at meta. Reopening this discussion is not advised. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:48, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
{{Archive bottom}}

== 68.193.175.208 ==

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:{{ping|DannyS712}}
:{{ping|Tegel}}
:{{ping|Saroj Uprety}}

{{vandal|68.193.175.208}}

:Possible sockpuppet of problematic editor Fourlaxers, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Family_Guy/Season_8&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=2954166 constistently makes incorrect edits without providing legal, reliable sources] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Family_Guy/Season_16&amp;diff=2954165&amp;oldid=2954156 violates rules on quote limitations] (while also adding [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Simpsons/Season_8&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=2952682 excessive unnecessary emphasis]). I request indefinite protection of all those articles, and that the IP be blocked for a long period of time. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:00, 23 April 2021 (UTC)

== Plumerlumber ==

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:{{ping|DannyS712}}
:{{ping|Tegel}}
:{{ping|Saroj Uprety}}

{{vandal|Plumerlumber}}

:[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Brother_Bear&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=2954283&amp;oldid=2954227 Consistently violates rules on quote limitations], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wreck-It_Ralph&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=2954229 adds excessive unnecessary categories], etc. Requesting any term of blocking of this user and indefinite protection of all articles they touched. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:03, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:: There are no rules on quote limitations. For ''proposed'' rules see [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations]]. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 15:26, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:::1. You are not helping. [[User talk:73.244.34.177|IP user 73.244.34.177]] had numerous blocks for the same reason: Persistent copyright violations. [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&amp;page=User%3A73.244.34.177 See its block log].
:::2. This is not [[WQ:VIP]]. I am reporting a problematic editor, not a vandal. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:30, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
::::: I hereby state why I don't have the right to edit Wikiquotes page? This is my first time editing Wikiquotes. The page says you can help by editing. So the first page I edited was the page Wreck-It Ralph. As I am very interested in these articles, I thought why not edit them? So the first edit was adding these two casts. Taffyta Muttonfudge (voice) and Markowski (voice). If you can reference the original Wikipedia article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wreck-It_Ralph, the casts are stated there too. Next I added categories of 2010s American animated films, American children's animated comic science fiction films, American children's animated science fantasy films, Category:American computer-animated films, Category:Animated films about friendship, Category:Animated buddy films, Category:Films about children to the categories list. That is all I did for that page. And the user DawgDeputy reverted the edits stating the reason was &quot;Wrong categories.&quot; If you can happen to view the original Wikipedia article the same categories are listed. I tried to do the same thing to two other articles as you can see in my log. However this user DawgDeputy, whom I am assuming is a moderator is ruthlessly reverting my edits as if I am some sort of vandal. I want to edit in good faith. What am I even doing wrong. I might have hurt his sentiments by adding a lead to Brothers Bear page, but its stated the same in its Wikipedia article. I don't want to be confrontational at all. Seeing how there are actually moderators above. I really want to get an answer why my categories are wrong, why my edits are false, why I am a copyright vandal or a problematic editor? I am threatened with possible IP ban when all I want to do is simple edits? [[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 13:11, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|DawgDeputy}} It's difficult to tell how something like [[Wreck-It Ralph]] doesn't qualify as a &quot;American computer-animated film&quot;. I'm inclined to point out that you are required, and not requested to discuss disagreements with other users before you come here demanding indefinite blocks and indefinite protections. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:29, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:: First and foremost, if you have &quot;open eyes&quot; go to Wikipedia page for Wreck-it-Ralph and scroll down to categories section, and search for the term &quot;American computer-animated films.&quot; If you have &quot;eyes&quot; you should be able to locate the category. Now This film is American and it is computer animated. So I simply copied and pasted that category from Wikipedia to Wikiquotes. Do you have a problem with me doing that? Second of all what does the last part of your sentence even mean? When did I &quot;demanding indefinite blocks and indefinite protections.&quot; All I said previously was &quot;moderators&quot; please tell me what am I doing wrong. I did not demand anything.  [[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 13:33, 23 April 2021 (UTC)

* First, while yes we want to trim quotes to a reasonable level when they get out of hand, it is correct that we do not have anything but a proposed rule with regards to limits on the number of quotes. Second, I don't believe that the categories that were added in your example were inappropriate - they seem to fit to the work on the page. Third, while there does seem to be a disagreement between you and this user, I fail to see why they should be blocked indefinitely - and your demand that they be so blocked just seems like another example of hostile behavior towards other users who do not share your views. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:37, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
::None of them do. Some were even redundant. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 18:06, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:: The limits on quotation states &quot;Five quotes maximum per hour, i.e., about one quote every 12 minutes. Quotes not assigned to specific characters are discarded. Recommended maximum length of quotes: seven lines by one character, ten lines of dialogue. Taglines do not count towards the total number of quotes.&quot; I will abide by that rules. All I did was add a two line quote to one of the articles. All I want to do now is add a lead to Brothers Bear, add categories, and I won't even add a quote now to Brothers Bear. Deal? Seriously, this user is acting as if I am some sort of Disney attacker. I am not. I am actually unemployed, very poor currently. ~ Plumerlumber 13:47, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
::: I added categories to two articles and a lead to one article. I am stating it my actions beforehand showing I am not a vandal. Plumerlumber 14:31, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:::: Who said you were a vandal? You are nothing more than problematic. Major difference. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 20:27, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
::::: Admins I request you to look into this issue. I edited to the barest minimum. I used the principle of least privilege and even then user DawgDeputy reverted my edits. This user has some sort of vendetta against me ever since I started editing. I will continue to revert the user's edits, because I don't see where I am wrong. If need be the user is the one who needs to be put into the noticeboard, not me. [[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 20:46, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Redundancy is where you are wrong. Adding categories that do not fit the article, as well as categories that are not necessary. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 23:42, 23 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::::Second time reverting edits by Dawg.[[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 00:30, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::::Numerous problematic IP users made similar edits on numerous articles long before you, and they were all undone (because they were wrong). I have no vendetta against you in particular. Just the edits. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 03:08, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::::::Third time reverting edits by Dawg.[[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 13:11, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::::::Will you stop pointing out how many times I am undoing your unnecessary edits? It is unnecessary to do so. You really need to leave the articles alone until a consensus is reached. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:12, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
: No discussion at [[Talk:Wreck-It Ralph]]? If I were an admin I'd be considering blocking you both for a week for edit warring. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 15:28, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
:: I find [[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]]'s activities here to be suspiciously precocious and aggressive, given that they only created an account a few days ago and have [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Plumerlumber never had any activity on any other wiki]. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:19, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::: Did you mean to say &quot;never had any activity ''using the Plumerlumber user name'' on any other wiki&quot;? Or is there a rule against using different names on different wikis? [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 21:29, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::: All usernames are global now, meaning that if you register for a username on any wiki, you have that username on all wikis. Wikimedia is a single and entire project. The prohibition against using multiple accounts on a single wiki reasonably should carry over to other wikis. I can't think of an above-board reason why an editor on one wiki would want to conceal this activity in editing another. As for this specific editor, unless they choose to identify some other username under which they have edited elsewhere, there is no way to know that they have edited other wikis (or here) under a different username. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 18:23, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
::: Hello everyone I decided not to edit Wikiquotes anymore. I mean it said in the account creation page, Wikiquote is made my people like you. &quot;Anyone can edit pages in Wikiquote, including this one - just select the Edit this Page link on the top or bottom of this page if you think it needs improvement. You don't need special credentials, you don't even need to be logged in. You can try your hand at editing in our sandbox.&quot; So I created an account. Doesn't mean I have to do my same account from Wikipedia. Then I edited using the principle of least privilege which is categories. I even tried to say how Brothers Bear was the last traditional animated film from Disney. The only quotes I added was a two line quote that was missing in Brothers Bear. Apparently, all I did was wrong. Everything was problematic, redundant, and harmful including the categories from the literal Wikipedia page, the Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB external links and that lead in Brothers Bear. My contributions are simply like dirt to people like you. I don't want to fight or be confrontational. I simply quit. Thanks for everything.[[User:Plumerlumber|Plumerlumber]] ([[User talk:Plumerlumber|talk]]) 20:40, 24 April 2021 (UTC)
:::: Do we still have the rule &quot;Don't bite newcomers&quot;?--[[User:Arvatkaa Kuka|Arvatkaa Kuka]] ([[User talk:Arvatkaa Kuka|talk]]) 01:27, 26 April 2021 (UTC)
::::: Where has that ever been &quot;the rule&quot; on this project? [[WQ:BITE]] has been a ''proposal'' since 2006. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:11, 26 April 2021 (UTC)
::::: Arvatkaa Kuka, BD2412 has concluded that Plumerlumber is not a newcomer to Wikimedia wikis and, hence, does not entitled to the protection of that &lt;s&gt;rule&lt;/s&gt; courtesy. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 15:25, 26 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::: Even if they were, &quot;Don't bite newcomers&quot; is not a suicide pact. A newcomer who immediately engages in uncivil conduct or makes counterproductive edits after being informed of policies against them need not be given free reign to continue this behavior. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 17:50, 26 April 2021 (UTC)
Thanks for the information!--[[User:Arvatkaa Kuka|Arvatkaa Kuka]] ([[User talk:Arvatkaa Kuka|talk]]) 18:15, 26 April 2021 (UTC)
== [[Special:AbuseFilter/24]] ==

The message to display on error is &quot;undefined&quot;, which should be fixed. [[User:Leaderboard|Leaderboard]] ([[User talk:Leaderboard|talk]]) 10:03, 17 May 2021 (UTC)
== Wikipedia sockpuppets- blocks needed ==

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Incidents#Wikipedia:Sockpuppet_investigations/Zjholder_issues Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard/Incidents#Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Zjholder issues] should do all the explaining.

Blocks needed here for:
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Tessssticle_keep_going_up_and_down_up_and_down Tessssticle keep going up and down up and down]
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Mjforrest_448484 Mjforrest 448484]
*[https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Forrestisback29912 Forrestisback29912]

Thanks in advance. [[User:Magitroopa|Magitroopa]] ([[User talk:Magitroopa|talk]]) 15:18, 17 May 2021 (UTC)
== [[Template:Italic title]] ==

Anyone know why this particular template seems to be having an issue? Specifically, when it is used, a warning appears saying &quot;Warning: This page calls Template:Italic title which causes a template loop (an infinite recursive call).&quot; and the effect desired by the use of the template does not appear to work. I can't see any difference in the code for the template compared to its past versions (before vandalism). This is where my lack of technical knowledge appears - I don't understand what is wrong with it. Does anyone know? Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:58, 11 June 2021 (UTC)
* The problem was vandalism in the underlying {{tl|Str find}} template, now reverted and protected. This particular vandal of multiple addresses has been very busy. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:01, 11 June 2021 (UTC)
== Removal of interface administrator permission ==

Dear bureaucrats ({{ping|BD2412|GreenMeansGo|UDScott|p=}}), {{user|~riley}} requested [[:m:Special:Diff/21559113/prev|yesterday on Meta-Wiki]] that his administrator and interface-administrator permissions on this project be removed. Given that interface administrator is a flag that can be granted and removed locally, could you please assist us in completing his request for removal of permissions? Thanks. Best regards, -- [[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 19:36, 9 June 2021 (UTC)
* {{done}}. One hand giveth... [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 21:06, 9 June 2021 (UTC)
* Hmm. This is unfortunate. I apologize I wasn't available. I've had little to no internet for the past few weeks. {{re|~riley}} Hope all is well. If you ever need a sounding board I believe you already have my email. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:24, 15 June 2021 (UTC)
== spam ==

Pierce129 has been [[Special:Contributions/Pierce129|spamming]] a certain online quotes database into some articles. All of them have been reverted because that's evidently why he's only here for. At worst, he may even be that site's webmaster. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 21:59, 6 June 2021 (UTC)
:although he hasn't edited anything in ten days (and got reverted by @BD2412, something may have to be done.--[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 23:37, 21 June 2021 (UTC)
== Total Drama Action ==

*{{ping|Ningauble}}
*{{ping|Kalki}}
*{{ping|Koavf}}
*{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

[[Total Drama Action]] is the target of persistent LTA IP vandals who refuse to comply with the rules. It has been the same situation for over half a year. &quot;Deleted sence&quot;? &quot;Anime&quot; characters on a Canadian animated series from an entirely different company? Clearly vandalism. Requesting indefinite blocking. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 13:18, 5 June 2021 (UTC)
:Protected. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:41, 5 June 2021 (UTC)
I tried checking certain articles (Star Wars films and Behind Enemy Lines), and they redirect to this article under a template loop. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 10:20, 8 June 2021 (UTC)
::{{vandal|Evilasio DP. Jr2}}
::And now one of those vandals is trying to circumvent the protection of [[Total Drama Action]] and trying to restore its vandalism without any explanation as to why. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 17:05, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
:::And deny this user access to any talk page, including its own. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 22:01, 19 June 2021 (UTC)
::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Evilasio_DP._Jr2&amp;diff=2973616&amp;oldid=2973580 And here] [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DawgDeputy&amp;diff=2973512&amp;oldid=2971896 is our evidence.] [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 13:22, 20 June 2021 (UTC)
*{{ping|Ningauble}}
*{{ping|Kalki}}
*{{ping|Koavf}}
*{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Evilasio_DP._Jr2&amp;diff=2973882&amp;oldid=2973787 That vandal is persistent. It is obvious it will not stop until it gets its way.] Revoke this user's talk page access. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 11:45, 21 June 2021 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 21 June 2021 (UTC)
::And just to make sure no further vandalism is done, I request indefinite full protection on all Total Drama-related articles and any or all future sockpuppets (IP or legit) be denied talk page access upon their blocking. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 11:32, 23 June 2021 (UTC)
== Problematic IPs on the loose... ==

* {{IPvandal|24.185.151.3}}
* {{IPvandal|24.190.63.62}}

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

These IPs have been repeatedly problematic in its edits, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Thomas_and_the_Magic_Railroad&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=2975451 making absolutely unnecessary changes to articles], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Hunchback_of_Notre_Dame_(1996_film)&amp;diff=2972542&amp;oldid=2968382 adding too many quotes to certain articles in violation of copyright], etc. These IPs must be blocked severely, and the articles protected from future IP vandals indefinitely. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 20:59, 26 June 2021 (UTC)
:[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=A_Bug%27s_Life&amp;diff=2975852&amp;oldid=2975824 And the vandalism] [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=A_Bug%27s_Life&amp;diff=2975824&amp;oldid=2975184 continues]. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 12:12, 27 June 2021 (UTC)
== Missing file on QOTD ==

Hi, [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 10, 2021|today's QOTD]] on the main page has a missing picture which was deleted on Commons. Could it be removed or replaced? Also see [[Talk:Main Page#Missing picture on the QOTD|section on Talk:Main Page]]. Thanks, [[User:Aranya|Aranya]] ([[User talk:Aranya|talk]]) 17:50, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
: The missing image has now been replaced. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
== Rugrats vandalism ==

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}

[[Rugrats]] is the target of [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Rugrats&amp;diff=2981764&amp;oldid=2981459 misinformation from unreliable sources] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Rugrats&amp;diff=2981318&amp;oldid=2979887 attacking users]. Indefinite protection of the article and indefinite/global blocking of the IPs is appropriate. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 11:57, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
:I've protected the page for a month. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:41, 13 July 2021 (UTC)
:I recommend making the protection of that page indefinite. Considering how these IP vandals keep ranting and raving in utter denial, and denying that IMDB can easily be doctored like Wikipedia and Wikiquote, they will not stop until they get their way or are otherwise dealt with for good. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 22:06, 14 July 2021 (UTC)

== Protection ==

Please protect (or delete) [[User talk:64.107.219.162]]: excessive vandalism from WMF-banned user. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 03:29, 15 July 2021 (UTC)
== Protection (2) ==

Please protect [[Past]] and [[Talk:Past]]: excessive vandalism from WMF-banned user. Thanks, --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:53, 19 July 2021 (UTC)
== Delete ==

Please delete: [[Talk:Saints]]: WMF-banned user target  --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 06:32, 23 July 2021 (UTC)
== IP user 58.178.68.99 ==

{{vandal|58.178.68.99}}

*{{ping|Ningauble}}
*{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
*{{ping|Kalki}}

This IP constantly violates copyvio and vandalizes quotes by adding unnecessary emphasis, and no matter how many warning messages I send it, it ignores them. This user must be blocked indefinitely. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 12:28, 23 July 2021 (UTC)

:I have blocked the IP for a month - should the behavior continue after that point, longer blocks can be considered. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:32, 23 July 2021 (UTC)
== Barnstar given under false pretenses... ==

*{{ping|Kalki}}
*{{ping|Ningauble}}
*{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
*{{ping|Miszatomic}}
*{{ping|Hasley}}
*{{ping|Ferien}}

[[User:Christian M. (2016)|Christian M. (2016)]] recently received a &quot;barnstar&quot; from a vandal/troll who was clearly trying to spread its ridiculous agenda all over Wikiquote (illegally). And Christian M. foolishly believes it is legit. He is wrong. All of the following edits must be stricken, as if the &quot;barnstar&quot; never existed.

:[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Christian_M._(2016)&amp;diff=2995423&amp;oldid=2988473 Exhibit A]
:[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Christian_M._(2016)&amp;diff=2996059&amp;oldid=2995508 Exhibit B]
:[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Christian_M._(2016)&amp;diff=2996932&amp;oldid=2996083 Exhibit C]

Please make things right and strike those edits before Christian M. attempts to restore it again. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 03:27, 20 August 2021 (UTC)
* The user was blocked a week before you made this post. For context, it's not super uncommon for me to log in and have 30 some odd notifications from trolls pinging me to projects I've never even visited. The most expeditious thing to do is just ignore them. When you get all riled up and offended, you're pretty much just giving them exactly what they want. It's not really a dire emergency that we police someone's talk page because what was probably a bored and maladapted 14 year old besmirched your honor. You're probably just giving them way more attention and gratification by pinging every admin on the project and demanding satisfaction. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:20, 21 August 2021 (UTC)
::I refuse to sanction blatant vandalism and those who support it. Ignoring them just leaves them free to vandalize (when they should have been stripped of Wikimedia privileges permanently). It will never stop them. Taking action is the only way. And blaming the victims for the actions of the vandals who started that whole mess in the first place is highly unconscionable. And we only get offended because the vandals caused this mess, not me. Vandalism is highly intolerable on all of Wikimedia.
::And Christian M. (2016) is also trying to sanction blatant vandalism, believing the fake barnstar is a reward. And posting this report a week after the vandal was blocked-- It was never a big deal until Christian M. foolishly restored it after I had removed it when he should have left it alone to begin with. Those edits ''have'' to be stricken from the record so as to save myself, Eaglestorm, and many other users a world of hassle of undoing the vandalism Christian M. was redoing. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 20:12, 21 August 2021 (UTC)
:::Seriously, all I asked for was for the edits to be stricken from the edit history as punishment for Christian M. (2016) and the vandal that gave him that illegal &quot;barnstar&quot; in the first place. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 12:28, 23 August 2021 (UTC)

== Rugrats vandalism ==

*{{ping|Kalki}}
*{{ping|Ningauble}}
*{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
*{{ping|Miszatomic}}
*{{ping|Hasley}}
*{{ping|Ferien}}

...again. A blatant vandal with poor grammar skills refuses to believe that Rugrats was cancelled in 2004, despite multiple reliable sources (including the one provided in the talk page) proving otherwise and continues to jump from one IP to another. I request that all IP vandals involved be blocked and that the page be protected ''indefinitely'', as temporary protection will not stop them. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:41, 22 August 2021 (UTC)

:Yeah, that guy. He's [[w:WP:LTA/GRP|banned by the Foundation]] and may not edit any WMF project. Just revert everything he adds; nothing he adds is reliable, ever, because he makes things up. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 14:49, 23 August 2021 (UTC)
::I really think only those with an account (and only ''one'' account) should be allowed to edit. How else will this vandalism end or even slow down? [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 17:00, 23 August 2021 (UTC)
::And in light of this persistent vandal continuously trying to mess with us on the noticeboard and the [[Talk:Rugrats|Rugrats talk page]], I recommend this noticeboard and that talk page be protected against the IP(s) indefinitely. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 18:18, 23 August 2021 (UTC)
::I heard somewhere that he had served a few years in prison for his actions on the WMF. I am quite surprised they still allowed him to edit here after he was released, or even let him keep his Internet privileges. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 18:40, 23 August 2021 (UTC)
:::He was in jail for several years for stalking/harassment/threats but it was unrelated to WMF. Still, it was great to have a break from his obsessive harassment (2015-2018). [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 18:45, 23 August 2021 (UTC)
== Noticeboard protected ==

FYI I semi protected this page for a week given the level of vandalism --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 02:15, 26 August 2021 (UTC)
== Protection request ==

Can an administrator please protect [[Pope John Paul II]]? It keeps on being vandalised by a WMF-banned editor. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] ([[User talk:Ferien|talk]]) 16:59, 25 August 2021 (UTC)

:And it's related to the topic above me, [[#Rugrats vandalism]] -- [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] ([[User talk:Ferien|talk]]) 17:01, 25 August 2021 (UTC)
:Done, before I saw this request --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 02:15, 26 August 2021 (UTC)

And now could anyone please  (semi-)protect [[Pope Benedict XVI]] for a while? It seems vandalized by an anon, probably the same person on the above .  --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 18:40, 26 August 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:19, 26 August 2021 (UTC)

Thank you, and now [[Pope Pius XII]] ... semi- or protection please? --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 06:34, 28 August 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:31, 28 August 2021 (UTC)
== Grand Theft Auto V ==

Some troll added a speedy deletion tag in there, which I believe is nothing more than nonsense. Please remove it and ban the guy. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 00:15, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
:The vandal was already banned. But the edits should still be struck from the record. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 00:41, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
== Wikiquote ==

Very interesting [[User:Clumie|Clumie]] ([[User talk:Clumie|talk]]) 14:26, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
== [[WQ:TEMP]] ==

It may be worth protecting this page, as it's just a redirect and shouldn't need to be edited by non-confirmed users. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] ([[User talk:Ferien|talk]]) 21:35, 11 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 21:45, 11 September 2021 (UTC)
== [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2, 2015]] ==

Could an admin protect this page? There's quite a lot of disruption from a WMF-banned editor. Thanks in advance. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 17:03, 22 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:24, 22 September 2021 (UTC)
== delete ==

Can someone please delete this category: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Category:German_Southwest_Africa_Africa i made it by mistake. Thanks. [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 00:40, 5 October 2021 (UTC)
== Requesting page protection ==

Requesting semi-protection of my talk page [[User talk:Citrivescence]]. I am currently being harassed across wikis by a user who jumps from IP to IP to evade blocks. [https://guc.toolforge.org/?user=204.184.47.158 1] [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:6C40:5400:1D2B:E951:6497:92BC:8B33 2] [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:6C40:5400:1D2B:0:0:0:0/64 3]  [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/204.184.47.150 4] Thank you. [[User:Citrivescence|Citrivescence]] ([[User talk:Citrivescence|talk]]) 15:40, 21 October 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} for 6 months initially - can revisit if the issue continues after that.. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:59, 21 October 2021 (UTC)
== Block ==

Please block [[Special:Contributions/2406:3400:215:7E0:5070:DC5:FF36:34FA|2406:3400:215:7E0:5070:DC5:FF36:34FA]]: long-term abuse. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 02:42, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:22, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
== Block ==

Please block [[Special:Contribs/147.10.226.241]]: long-term abuse. [[User:Stang|Stang]] ([[User talk:Stang|talk]]) 03:48, 2 November 2021 (UTC)
== Protect The Addams Family (film) ==

Can you please put protection on [[The Addams Family (film)]]? The page has been repeatedly vandalized since September, with reversions being undone. - {{unsigned|Jedzz}}
:{{done}}. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:32, 3 November 2021 (UTC)
== Block 58.178.68.99‎ ==

{{vandal|58.178.68.99‎}}

{{ping|Kalki}}
{{ping|Ningauble}}
{{ping|Miszatomic}}
{{ping|Hasley}}
{{ping|Ferien}}

:This IP vandal, who was blocked previously for one month, consistently vandalizes pages and ignores warnings. It has to be put to a stop before it goes after other pages. Requesting long-term semi-protection of all Disney articles and no less than six months of blocking against this vandal. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 13:44, 6 November 2021 (UTC)

:Again, not an admin so pinging me here isn't really necessary (not that I mind very much), but it's an IP, why would full protection be necessary? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 13:52, 6 November 2021 (UTC)
* {{done}} Seems to be a static IP, so not against issuing lengthy blocks. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:24, 6 November 2021 (UTC)
== Request ==

Please protect [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Lavrentiy_Beria&amp;action=history Talk:Lavrentiy Beria]: LTA target --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:01, 10 November 2021 (UTC)
:Also [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Superman&amp;curid=16331&amp;action=history Superman], thanks. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:52, 10 November 2021 (UTC)
== Please block 67.204.55.251 ==

{{vandal|67.204.55.251}}
:excessive vandalism [[User:Stang|Stang]] ([[User talk:Stang|talk]]) 13:55, 16 November 2021 (UTC)

:Obviously a blatant sock puppet of Ramses Bond, a previously banned vandal who refused to accept that the vandal's dialogue for the Total Drama series does not exist anywhere. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 01:50, 17 November 2021 (UTC)
== Block request ==

* {{vandal|46.235.97.127}}
* {{vandal|212.3.195.219}}
:Please block these accounts, vandalism at [[User talk:Neptune, the Mystic]]. [[User:Stang|Stang]] ([[User talk:Stang|talk]]) 21:03, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
::I would also like to have my talk page protected from IP attacks. Thank you! --[[User:Neptune, the Mystic|Neptune, the Mystic]] ([[User talk:Neptune, the Mystic|talk]]) 21:33, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
:::I protected your talk page on enwiki just now (let me know if you'd like it lifted) - hopefully someone is online here too. :) [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 21:44, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
:: {{Yo|Stang}} with all due respect, [[User:Neptune, the Mystic]]  has not contributed any content to this WQ (I believe?). The storm of comments that your note here precipitated is drowning out content contributions by many good faith editors. Unless Neptune is considering building content here I believe the best solution is for him/her is to find another outlet. Respectfully. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:28, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Ottawahitech}} Messages will be left on Neptune's talk page regardless of whether he actually contributes to content here. [[:w:WP:LTA/GRP|This vandal (linked)]] is just trying to find another talk page to message him on. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 22:40, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
::::{{yo|Ferien}} Why does [[User:Neptune, the Mystic]]  worry about what happens on their talkpage at en-WQ if they are not contributing here and not known by the locals? No-one else cares, I think? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:50, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
:::::It does fill up their notification feed for starters, and this vandal will also end up vandalising other pages on this wiki, this page will probably next. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 22:55, 21 November 2021 (UTC)
:::::: {{Yo|Ferien}} With power comes responsibility. wmf-admins are no different than real-life politicians in this respect. Individuals who are given the discretionary power to block others, delete other's work, should be accountable to the community at large. Having to put up with lots of notification feeds is a small price to pay. IMIO, YMMV, Cheers, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 06:09, 27 November 2021 (UTC)
:::::::{{u|Ottawahitech}}, still it is an issue, and harassment from a WMF-banned editor over some reverted edits is not something someone should have to receive. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:40, 27 November 2021 (UTC)
== [[Special:Contributions/62.252.201.33|62.252.201.33]] ==

Excessive vandalism. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 14:17, 1 December 2021 (UTC)
:And (semi-)protect [[The Wiggles (band)]] for much longer a period of time than previously (which was only one week, which was never going to stop IP users from vandalizing). [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 23:49, 1 December 2021 (UTC)
::The IP above is the only IP that has vandalised that page in the past two months or so. Why semiprotect if it will affect innocent users? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:49, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
::You mean the past [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Wiggles_(band)&amp;diff=2960730&amp;oldid=2900639 seven months], during which time we had countless vandals using IP addresses (the only good edits being from registered users). We must leave absolutely '''nothing''' to chance. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 21:51, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
== (Semi-)Protection request ==

...on the central article of [[Thomas &amp; Friends]]. Constant content dispute (such as unsubstantiated cancellation claims, when officially, status of the series is nothing beyond on hiatus), and the fact that if the separate articles for each season and film have had indefinite protection, so should the central article. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 18:56, 3 December 2021 (UTC)
:And block this (sockpuppet) user:

:{{vandal|Boober123}} [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 02:46, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
== Revdel request ==

Can someone rev del my IP used (124.xxx.xxx.xxx) on [[User talk:Ottawahitech]]. Thanks! [[User:SHB2000|SHB2000]] ([[User talk:SHB2000|talk]]) 08:45, 5 December 2021 (UTC)
== Block request ==

Please block [[Special:Contribs/112.204.217.222|112.204.217.222]]: Long-term abuse (see [[:en:Wikipedia:WP:Long-term abuse/Jurisdrew|LTA page]], global lock already requested). Thanks, --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 06:01, 6 December 2021 (UTC)

:Thank you for notifying us that. Conquering with you, I placed a one-week long block on this address.  --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 16:14, 6 December 2021 (UTC)

== Protection ==

Hello! Please protect the page [[Philosophical pessimism]]. It is currently the target of a WMF-banned LTA ([[w:en:WP:LTA/GRP]]), who is using a proxy service to repeatedly attack the page and try to engage in a mindless revert war that I have no interest in continuing. Thank you! [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 12:18, 6 December 2021 (UTC)

:For those who are revert-warring with GRP here: don't do it. He has lots of time to waste in trolling, having nothing else to do that is productive. We have other, productive tasks at hand. Don't waste your precious time in revert-warring with a troll. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 13:49, 6 December 2021 (UTC)
== [[Talk:Lavrentiy Beria]] ==

Could an admin please protect this page or block the IPs involved, as the page is currently subject to edit warring from a WMF-banned editor. Thanks! --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:45, 7 December 2021 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:39, 7 December 2021 (UTC)
== Hacked / Block request ==

Can someone look at my profile? [[User:KingBaudoin]] It seems to be hacked?

Its says: 

'''King cyber sindicate.'''
'''HACKED: In the 2010s, personal data belonging to millions of Facebook users was collected without their consent by British consulting firm Cambridge Analytica, predominantly to be used for political advertising.'''

With this suspicious link, don't click it, it's probably a virus: https://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/

How do i change it? [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 18:20, 27 November 2021 (UTC)

:already found how to change it, this is the person that changed the text of the template, please block this account, thanks: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/136.158.41.175 [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 18:24, 27 November 2021 (UTC)
::Very destructive person, please block him, urgent, thanks https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Larry_Page&amp;diff=3036172&amp;oldid=3036170 [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 18:36, 27 November 2021 (UTC)
:::Already {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:43, 29 November 2021 (UTC)
::::Thanks. [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 02:56, 9 December 2021 (UTC)

== BLOCK REQUEST URGENT ==

THIS USER KEEPS VANDALISNG WIKIQUOTE, PLEASE BLOCK HIM!

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/136.158.41.175

{{unsigned2|20:57, 28 November 2021|KingBaudoin}}
:Blocked by Ninguable. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:50, 2 December 2021 (UTC)

:Thanks. [[User:KingBaudoin|KingBaudoin]] ([[User talk:KingBaudoin|talk]]) 02:56, 9 December 2021 (UTC)

== [[Rugrats]] and [[Talk:Rugrats]] ==

Today's targets of the WMF-banned user GRP. Please protect and revdel the links as they are abusive and make libelous assertions about me and Antandrus. Thanks! [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 14:04, 8 December 2021 (UTC)
:Protected both and blocked some of the users involved. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:59, 8 December 2021 (UTC)
== Protection ==

Could an admin protect my talk page? I’m not active on here, but a WMF banned LTA (george reeves person) is harassing me here. Thanks, [[User:Nigos|Nigos]] ([[User talk:Nigos|talk]]) 08:10, 10 December 2021 (UTC)
* This has been done. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 01:20, 12 December 2021 (UTC)
== Page protection ==

Hello, don't know where to request page protection here so posting it on Admins Noticeboard. This [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Kath_%26_Kim page needs protection]. I checked the page history, the IP editor has been vandalizing the page since May 2021. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 11:17, 24 November 2021 (UTC)

:No Admin active?!🤷 [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:09, 25 November 2021 (UTC)
::{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}, perhaps you are active. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 17:27, 26 November 2021 (UTC)
:::I semi-protected it for a year. [[User:Ruslik0|Ruslik0]] ([[User talk:Ruslik0|talk]]) 20:36, 28 November 2021 (UTC)
::::Thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:01, 29 November 2021 (UTC)
:::* I see that [[User:Ruslik0]] is not an admin on WQ. Is it policy on WQ that editors such as wmf-[[stewards]] are allowed to carryout admin duties? If so, which other types of wmf-officials are allowed to do that? Is this documented anywhere? Just curious, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:10, 30 November 2021 (UTC)
:::*:{{re|Ottawahitech}} If there aren't any admins responding to reports like above and the situation is more of an emergency then yes I think stewards can take action. However I'm not sure if a whole year's protection was necessary here considering the IPs are all in the same /64 range ([[:w:WP:/64|which isn't a big deal to block]]), where a long-term block can be placed that would stop vandalism on all the pages they are vandalising without affecting innocent users... --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:56, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
:::*::Ferien, As far as I understand, Stewards are only allowed to exercise admin-powers on  small wikis (please correct me if I am wrong). Have you considered the posibility that WQ admins know which locals are more likely to exaggerate a need for blocking/protection etc.? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 01:03, 9 December 2021 (UTC)
:::*:::{{re|Ottawahitech}} Stewards and global sysops can exercise powers on small wikis yes, but in an emergency they can also go onto bigger wikis. Of course some locals will think something's more of an emergency than something else, but at the end of the day it's up to the stewards to decide, they can always decline a request and ask someone to wait for  an admin to arrive. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:05, 9 December 2021 (UTC)
:::*::::Ferien, 
:::*::::I have not seen documentation anywhere on any wiki that allows Stewards to interfere with local administration on bigger wikis. It makes no sense to me to allow Stewards  who have lIttle understanding of the local issues on wikis they do not contribute to on a regular basis. It is hard enough for local admins to see everythiing that is happening!
:::*::::BTW thanks for continuing to ping me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:37, 12 December 2021 (UTC)
== Move Coronavirus disease 2019 to COVID-19 ==

The Wikipedia article about the disease is simply called COVID-19. So, for consistency, the page [[Coronavirus disease 2019]] here on Wikiquote should be moved to [[COVID-19]], requiring an administrator to delete the target page and then restore the earlier edits (thus merging the histories). Then, [[Talk:Coronavirus disease 2019]] should likewise be moved to [[Talk:COVID-19]], deleting the existing target page in the way and then restoring the earlier edits (thus again merging the histories). The two sections from February 2020 should then be merged above the &quot;Proposals for more&quot; section. [[User:GeoffreyT2000|GeoffreyT2000]] ([[User talk:GeoffreyT2000|talk]]) 22:24, 14 December 2021 (UTC)
== Request ==

Please delete my userpage and talk page. It would be nice if you could also protect them. I've been the subject of some LTA and they keep harrasing me through my userpages. Cheers --[[User:Synoman Barris|Synoman Barris]] ([[User talk:Synoman Barris|talk]]) 22:22, 19 December 2021 (UTC)
: And [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Category:Suspected_Wikiquote_sockpuppets_of_Synoman_Barris] should also be deleted --[[User:Synoman Barris|Synoman Barris]] ([[User talk:Synoman Barris|talk]]) 22:24, 19 December 2021 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contribs/2603:6080:A700:1C39:85B7:F370:BB6C:33B2|2603:6080:A700:1C39:85B7:F370:BB6C:33B2]] ==

Adds false block templates to user/user talk pages. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 05:09, 20 December 2021 (UTC)
== [[Total Drama Action]] talk page vandalism ==

:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:{{ping|Miszatomic}}

One IP vandal refuses to admit what the IP vandal did was dead wrong. Requesting indefinite protection of the talk page and all Total Drama articles and talk pages to prevent this vandal from ever returning, and indefinite blocking for the vandal, as well. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 21:57, 21 December 2021 (UTC)
: I blocked one persistently used IP for 3 months, and semi-protected the talk page for 3 months. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:56, 21 December 2021 (UTC)
::Wonderful. If this continues, however, I request the next block and semi-protection timeframe be more than twice as long. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 22:58, 21 December 2021 (UTC)
:::@[[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]], May I ask a silly question? Why are there so many vandalism reports on this page? Why not post on [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]]? Just curious. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:47, 28 December 2021 (UTC)

== [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]] ==

Does anyone patrol this category as a matter of course, please? It does not have the appearance of either being speedy or leading to deletion at present. [[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] ([[User talk:Timtrent|talk]]) 10:23, 22 December 2021 (UTC)

:@[[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]], Just curious what prompted your question. Do any of the 6 pages currently listed for a speedy pose a serious problem? On the other hand I see that the article [[Yoshihide Suga]] about a prime minister of Japan is listed for deletion at [[:Category:Votes for deletion]] with no one chiming in to the discussion. Could be because it is holiday season? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 22:40, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
::@[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] quite some time ago I had nominated [[Hamis Kiggundu]] in [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hamis_Kiggundu&amp;oldid=3040182 this permalink]. I have no idea whether or not the nomination was valid. It was declined by an IP editor earlier today. The thing is, there appeared to be nothing actually 'speedy' about the process in the sense I am used to from Commons and en WP.
::I also have no clear concept of deletion processes and procedures here, and will welcome advice either here or on my talk page [[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] ([[User talk:Timtrent|talk]]) 22:47, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
:::Ah.. now I understand. As far as things around here being slower than enwiki and commons, is it also not slower at other small wmf-wikis such as wikibooks, wikiversity, wikisource, wikinews, etc? I see that some admins here are very busy looking after things that are important for this community. 
:::I am not familiar with deletion processes and procedures at WQ, but I know that many  contributors are busy building content rather than undoing other people's work and have little interest in this area. I think I recognize your name from enwiki as a long-term patroller (I think?) and would be interested in your ideas for improvements at WQ. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 23:01, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
::::@[[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] forgot to ping [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 23:02, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
:::::@[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] I've been around on en WP a while. I recognise your name also. I think the major improvement would be to implement Twinkle for routine admin tasks to help newbies here with experience elsewhere navigate WQ [[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] ([[User talk:Timtrent|talk]]) 23:06, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
::::::I have created [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Hamis Kiggundu]] on the basis that the speedy deletion was challenged. I will learn something, I expect. Thanks for giving me the prompt to do this @[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], even if you did not suggest it directly. [[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] ([[User talk:Timtrent|talk]]) 23:19, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
:::::::I am sure WQ could use help. Thanks for stepping up. Cheers, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 23:30, 28 December 2021 (UTC)
== firstinspire.com ==

Heavily spammed by [[Special:Contribs/Daily Motivation|Daily Motivation]] [[Special:Contribs/Trevormazda|et]] [[Special:Contribs/Hyuonglee|al.]]. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 14:34, 29 December 2021 (UTC)
== Block ==

Please block [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:3C4B:B600:0:0:0:0/64|2001:8003:3C4B:B600:0:0:0:0/64]]: Long-term abuse. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 03:36, 29 December 2021 (UTC)
:Done. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:41, 2 January 2022 (UTC)

== {{User|美好的时光好孩子}} ==

Please consider blocking {{Vandal|美好的时光好孩子}}. His edits are limited to POV pushing. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:45, 29 December 2021 (UTC)
:His edits are obviously controversial and need to be discussed on the talk page of the relevant entry to form consensus, but he's dropped off the site. Please post again if he reappears. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:39, 2 January 2022 (UTC)

== 2603:6080:A700:1C39:C589:6817:F2A8:1B04 ==

* [[special:contribs/2603:6080:A700:1C39:C589:6817:F2A8:1B04]]
* rm delete template on article [[The Northside Show (season 10)]] and [[The Northside Show (season 9)]], vandalism talk page. [[User_talk:Stang|'''&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Cursive; color:#F50&quot; lang=&quot;en&quot;&gt;Stang&lt;/span&gt;''']] 22:10, 1 January 2022 (UTC)
:Blocked by someone else. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:38, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
== Looney Tunes: Back in Action ==

:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}
:{{ping|Miszatomic}}

Requesting long-term semi-protection of both the article and its talk page, due to [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Looney_Tunes:_Back_in_Action&amp;diff=3048804&amp;oldid=3038467 persistent] [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Looney_Tunes:_Back_in_Action&amp;diff=3048805&amp;oldid=2210546 vandalism]. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:47, 20 December 2021 (UTC)
:UPDATE-- The main page is semi-protected, but the same protection should also apply to the talk page. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:07, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
== 152.86.164.35 ==

Cross-wiki abuse, going on lots of different wikis to ask people to proxy edit for them on enwiki. Shown on [[Special:Diff/3054662]]. [[:simple:w:Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|Blocked on simplewiki]] and [[:w:Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|enwiki]] too (that's why they're asking random people to edit for them there) Thanks, [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:43, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
:Blocked. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:46, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|Koavf}}. They are continuing on the account {{vandal|StevwRudueieh}}. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 22:15, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
:::Blocked. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:17, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
::::That was fast, thank you! --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 22:18, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
:::::Hi {{u|Koavf}}, another IP address [[special:contribs/107.127.53.41]], thanks. [[User_talk:Stang|'''&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Cursive; color:#F50&quot; lang=&quot;en&quot;&gt;Stang&lt;/span&gt;''']] 22:48, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
::::::Thanks {{ping|Stang}}. You beat me too it. [[User:Andrzejbanas|Andrzejbanas]] ([[User talk:Andrzejbanas|talk]]) 22:52, 2 January 2022 (UTC)
:::::::And [[Special:Contribs/107.127.53.25]], {{u|Koavf}} (hope you don't mind the pings!) --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:42, 3 January 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Pings are fine! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:57, 3 January 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Thanks. They are back again {{ping|Koavf}} as 107.127.53.29. Would it be possible to delte my page or lock it so newly registered or IPs can't use the talk page? [[User:Andrzejbanas|Andrzejbanas]] ([[User talk:Andrzejbanas|talk]]) 23:29, 3 January 2022 (UTC)

== 108.207.249.33 ==

Please block [[Special:Contribs/108.207.249.33|108.207.249.33]]: vandalism. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:33, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
== Block ==

Please block [[Special:Contributions/Zjholder6173|Zjholder6173]]: Long-term abuse (Zjholder) --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 03:33, 10 January 2022 (UTC)
:Globally blocked. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 24 January 2022 (UTC)

== Nuke and Block ==

Nuke all pages by {{vandal|Chuogcyui}} and block indefinitely for mass spam campaign here --[[User:Synoman Barris|Synoman Barris]] ([[User talk:Synoman Barris|talk]]) 12:15, 11 January 2022 (UTC)
:Blocked. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 24 January 2022 (UTC)

== [[User talk:102.64.165.103]] ==

Please delete [[User talk:102.64.165.103]]: Vandalism. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 17:56, 23 January 2022 (UTC)
:Deleted. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:14, 24 January 2022 (UTC)

== Block ==

Please block [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:DC00:1960:3152:17F2:13A7:85F7/64|2600:1700:DC00:1960:3152:17F2:13A7:85F7/64]]: Vandalism. Thanks, --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:20, 24 January 2022 (UTC)
:Blocked. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 24 January 2022 (UTC)
== [[Superman]] ==

Hi, can a protection be put on this article please? [[:w:WP:LTA/GRP|A certain WMF-banned editor]] seems to be spending most of his time there at the moment. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:30, 27 January 2022 (UTC)
:I added a simple statement from WP on the other uses of the character. I also protected the page for two weeks (will extend if it becomes necessary). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:34, 27 January 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks for the quick response :) [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:36, 27 January 2022 (UTC)
== IP vandal that just won't stop ==

{{IPvandal|1.152.108.86}}

Please can we get somebody to look at this ongoing issue [[Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress#New_report_2022-01-27,_23:35]]? The edits are pretty egregious. There is defamation and deliberately abusive misgendering (in both content and edit summaries) as well as general transphobia and homophobia. I think we need a block, some page protections and ''all'' their edits revdeled. --[[User:DanielRigal|DanielRigal]] ([[User talk:DanielRigal|talk]]) 00:50, 28 January 2022 (UTC)
:Yeah, some of this is very inappropriate. I saw some edits that are not obvious candidates for revdel. {{Ping|DanielRigal}} are you sure that you think ''all'' of these merit revdel? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:56, 28 January 2022 (UTC)
::I should have been more specific and said ''all'' their edits to [[Abigail Thorn]] and ''some'' of their others. (Sorry. Things were happening very fast and I was getting tired.) I think that all of the edits to [[Abigail Thorn]] made by all IPs, not just this one, since Dec 25 (inclusive) are bad and are worth revdelling as they introduce a baseless and idiotic anti-vax conspiracy theory involving Thorn and others that far-right dingbats are trying to promote as well as misgendering and a pre-transition photo. Apart from that, most of the IPs other edits are blanking so maybe it is OK to just revdel the ones with offensive edit summaries e.g some of the ones to [[Natalie Wynn]]. --[[User:DanielRigal|DanielRigal]] ([[User talk:DanielRigal|talk]]) 11:22, 28 January 2022 (UTC)
::I support this. Nobody should have to see their disgusting comments and abuse when going back through the page history. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 06:53, 1 February 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in progress on Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress ==

{{IPvandal|152.22.84.23}}

We have an IP vandal vandalising [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]] (Is that metavandalism?) as well as other pages. They have also made racist comments about another editor. A good long block seems to be in order. --[[User:DanielRigal|DanielRigal]] ([[User talk:DanielRigal|talk]]) 16:57, 28 January 2022 (UTC)

:I see that they are blocked now. Thanks. --[[User:DanielRigal|DanielRigal]] ([[User talk:DanielRigal|talk]]) 17:28, 28 January 2022 (UTC)

== Rocky Balboa (film) ==

Some anon has been trying to insert some reference to a marciano fight but I thought it was not notable. and prove to be combative whenever they try to revert. I think whatever reference that is, its triviality, plain and simple. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 16:24, 29 January 2022 (UTC)

: Wrong!!! The Marciano-Ali Superfight film made Rocky 6 possible and marciano was inspiration to balboa movies!!! Do your research first before errupting with none-sense!!! {{unsigned|62.199.3.36}}
::And why be so triggered and defensive? Your combativeness serves no purpose and only shows you being mired in triviality. You want to waste your life trying to prove things that don't matter and you never had a personal investment in? Try spellchecking sometime, kid. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 16:40, 30 January 2022 (UTC)
:::This person is [[w:WP:LTA/GRP|banned by the WMF]] for exactly this behavior, along with outing, stalking, harassment, and an endless stream of comically ungrammatical threats. It's usually just best to remove his sputter; it's easy to spot (he's on this page at least twice already, above in the &quot;Superman&quot; and &quot;User talk:102.64.165.103&quot; threads). [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 16:47, 30 January 2022 (UTC)
:::: I fail to comprehend why the LTA is still hopping from one IP address to another to continue cyberbullying others and spreading lies, and no one is contacting the proper authorities to stop him. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 19:57, 30 January 2022 (UTC)

== [[Scytl]] ==

I don't know how the deletion process works here, but I'm reasonably certain that [[Scytl]] is not in scope of this project. It's about random things that have been said in the media about a company. [[User:Sandstein|Sandstein]] ([[User talk:Sandstein|talk]]) 16:17, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
:You may very well be correct - there are two main processes available to request deletion (other than speedy deletion). Take a look at [[Wikiquote:Proposed deletion]] and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy]]. The first is for often more-obvious cases and the second, where further discussion is probably warranted. In fact, if one uses the proposed deletion path and someone else challenges that, it is likley that the second path will follow soon after. After reading those pages, come back if you have questions. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:29, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
== 152.117.105.92 ==

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

* {{vandal|152.117.105.92}}

:Constantly adds quotes to articles to exceed limitations and open the door to vandalism. Requesting long-term semi-protection of every article the IP ever touched and long-term blocking of the IP. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 23:46, 28 January 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

This IP is at it again. Learned absolutely nothing from its previous block. Requesting no less than two weeks worth of blocking against this problematic IP. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 17:04, 11 February 2022 (UTC)
:Doubled block length. I'm still hesitant to call this vandalism, but at some point, being ignorant of the rules is borderline malicious. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:11, 11 February 2022 (UTC)
:{{Ping|DawgDeputy}} As a little process thing, I am fine with you pinging me (sometimes I don't see every edit to this page) and I think other admins are too. Visually, it would be handy if you would just string them altogether on one line with one ping, like &lt;nowiki&gt;{{Ping|Koavf|Kalki|Person3}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:16, 11 February 2022 (UTC)
== Has [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion]] been abandoned? ==

While it is not exactly busy it has a goodly number of discussions way past their expiry dates. [[User:Timtrent|Timtrent]] ([[User talk:Timtrent|talk]]) 14:16, 12 February 2022 (UTC)

== Another LTA ==

{{vandal|I sleep, I sleep!}} --[[User:Synoman Barris|Synoman Barris]] ([[User talk:Synoman Barris|talk]]) 15:18, 12 February 2022 (UTC)
:Globally locked by Tks4Fish --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 17:01, 12 February 2022 (UTC)

== Protect ==

I know the LTA above will revert this, but  I will not give attention to a person who thinks they will get any significance or attention writing their nonsense here. Back to my point, I think this noticeboard should be protected for a while to avoid such revert wars --[[User:Synoman Barris|Synoman Barris]] ([[User talk:Synoman Barris|talk]]) 17:19, 12 February 2022 (UTC)
== Request ==

Please protect [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Philosophy&amp;curid=119107&amp;action=history Talk:Philosophy] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ludwig_van_Beethoven&amp;curid=2167&amp;action=history Ludwig van Beethoven]: LTA target --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 06:16, 14 February 2022 (UTC)
: This has been done. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 13:03, 14 February 2022 (UTC)

::Please protect [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Plato&amp;action=history Talk:Plato]: LTA target. --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 04:33, 15 February 2022 (UTC)
::Also [[Travel]] and [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart]]. This [[w:WP:LTA/GRP|banned user]] stalks people's edits, reverts them with bad faith edit summaries, and hopes to recruit help for his &quot;side&quot; in an imaginary war. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 04:48, 15 February 2022 (UTC)
::Why has nobody reported this stalking vandal to the proper authorities? There does not seem to be any other way to stop him for good. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 23:02, 15 February 2022 (UTC)
:::Feel free. He did spend three years in jail for stalking and harassment (ten felonies, mostly dismissed but at least one 'not guilty by reason insanity') - what happens is he gets out and just starts up again. It utterly sucks. How do you get someone's internet taken away? The Chicago police don't care. &quot;Someone is harassing you on the internet? Turn off your computer.&quot; If he makes actual threats from one of his IPv6 ranges (AT&amp;T and Comcast), save the diff, because those can be tied to him. The others are all open proxies. If this is too much information, I understand, but this guy has been a pest since 2006, and never stops. &quot;HarassBot&quot;. I'm open to ideas, because I'm sick of this. -- And thank you to everyone who helps remove his harassment, abuse, and random rubbish. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 23:46, 15 February 2022 (UTC)
:::Just one other thing -- why doesn't [[m:Trust and Safety]] take this kind of thing on? Doesn't that seem like a reasonable addition to their mission? People like this are poisonous, and ''have'' to be removed from WMF projects, but I'm not aware of them doing anything to help other than putting him on their ban list. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 23:54, 15 February 2022 (UTC)
::::Have you written to the threats email address: emergency[at]? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:34, 20 February 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not recently, but maybe it's time again. Do they actually do anything off-wiki (which is where this needs to escalate to)? Guess I can find out. Maybe if a bunch of people contact them they'll do something? I would think that if the ''Foundation'' contacted law enforcement, that could have some clout.
:::::Anyway, thanks everyone for your help. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 20:19, 20 February 2022 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contribs/88.7.214.219|88.7.214.219]] ==

This LTA's back again. Please revdel everything. Thanks in advance. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 05:03, 16 February 2022 (UTC)
:Done, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:05, 20 February 2022 (UTC)
== Histmerge required ==

[[Drew Gerald]] was recently cut and paste moved to [[Andrew Daniel]]. I think it is a valid move, however an admin will need to merge their histories for attribution purposes (see [[w:WP:HISTMERGE]].) [[User:Eviolite|Eviolite]] ([[User talk:Eviolite|talk]]) 20:55, 24 February 2022 (UTC)

:Actually, I'm not even sure if the person meets [[WQ:Notability|notability]], as I can't find any indication that these quotes have gained traction (outside of e.g. Reddit posts) and the creator is a near-SPA. [[User:Eviolite|Eviolite]] ([[User talk:Eviolite|talk]]) 20:57, 24 February 2022 (UTC)
::Deleted as non-notable promotion. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:02, 24 February 2022 (UTC)
::Please consider undeletion, the idea was to ensure proper attribution to the author, not promotion. The original page was under the author's penname &quot;Drew Gerald&quot; and has recently decided to be identified by legal name &quot;Andrew Daniel&quot;. You can see many notable uses of quotes: https://www.google.com/search?q=drew+gerald+quotes - and most notable quotation: https://www.google.com/search?q=you+only+struggle+because+you%27re+ready+to+grow [[User:Metaheal|Metaheal]] ([[User talk:Metaheal|talk]]) 23:07, 26 February 2022 (UTC)
:::Undeleted for now. {{Ping|Eviolite}}, do you want to nominate for deletion? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:13, 27 February 2022 (UTC)
::::I don't have too strong of an opinion (I only discovered the situation via SWViewer), and am not really aware of Wikiquote's policies regarding inclusion, so I won't for now (of course, if someone more experienced thinks deletion is warranted, they can start one.) [[User:Eviolite|Eviolite]] ([[User talk:Eviolite|talk]]) 02:18, 27 February 2022 (UTC)

== Requesting protection on the [[Talk:Death]] page: ==

Hi, there's been some [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Death&amp;action=history persistent vandalism] from a banned editor that needs to be protected, and a bit of edit-warring is occurring on that said page as well. [[User:DarkMatterMan4500|DarkMatterMan4500]] ([[User talk:DarkMatterMan4500|talk]]) 16:30, 26 February 2022 (UTC)
:{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:32, 26 February 2022 (UTC)
== 152.117.105.92 ==

:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

* {{vandal|152.117.105.92}}

At it once again. Still learned nothing from its previous block. Requesting no less than a month's worth of blocking, and no less than twice that long worth of semi-protection of all articles it ever touched. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 14:33, 27 February 2022 (UTC)
:I'd already blocked this user for a month before I even saw this request. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:35, 27 February 2022 (UTC)
== [[user:Eaglestorm]] bullying, hounding, article ownership, edit warring, rule totalitarianism ==

This user seems to have issues with certain editors and the LOQ policy that they deal with in a distinctly uncivil manner. See the following:


Complaints about abusive behavior from other users:

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Your_comment_on_Christian

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Christian_M._(2016)...

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Be_Civil!

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Uncivil_behavior

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Once_again...

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Uncivil_responses_to_efforts_at_even_civl_compromise_and_deference

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:DawgDeputy#SuperMyers1028/Christian_M_2016


Abuse incidents:

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Star_Wars (user bashing)

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Return_of_the_Jedi#This_film_is_a_classic,_and_has_TONS_of_great_and_memorable_quotes (bashing newcomer, extreme LOQ abuse)

https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Avengers:_Endgame&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082483 (Article ownership, LOQ abuse and personal attack in summary)

https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Eaglestorm&amp;diff=3082517&amp;oldid=3082503 (More insults)


Rules totalitarianism and article ownership criticisms:

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Full_Metal_Jacket

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#Black_Widow_(2021_film)

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User_talk:Eaglestorm#How_I_Met_Your_Mother


General evidence of LOQ abuse, hounding and being a jerk:

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Eaglestorm

https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Eaglestorm&amp;action=history


Oh gosh whatever could this be:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Eaglestorm


Basically their whole talk page is nothing but reasonable complaints about behavior answered dismissively, stretching back YEARS. I think it’s probably time they receive some stronger sanctioning.

[[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 10:24, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:Obviously I've never heard of this guy, but tries to claim by that long laundtry list that they know it all. Do I know you from somewhere? This one is nothing more than a troll claiming he was &quot;insulted&quot;. Header is full of lies and half-truths driven by people with agendas. --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:41, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::Ah, I see you have arrived to refute my accusations by insulting me instead of actually explaining your actions. You know you aren’t really helping your case by doing that. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 12:55, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::Yapyapyap, that's from your viewpoint. It's just you making mountains out of molehills. &quot;Insults&quot; please. Let's not feed the trolls guys, especially those who think they're whiteknights for certain people around here! --[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 13:11, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::::Please just stop bullying people abusing the LOQ rules to ridiculous degrees. Wikiquote is not your personal fiefdom, it belongs to everyone who can edit it competently. I’m trying to be nice here. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 13:31, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::::Eaglestorm, I believe that the case laid out here is quite strong and shows a pattern of abuse by you towards other users and some sort of belief that you own the pages contained in this site. The next incident of such behavior (whether in edit summaries or direct discussion with another user) will result in a block - no further warnings will be given. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:10, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::::::Wow that was fast: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Avengers:_Endgame&amp;diff=3082589&amp;oldid=3082586
::::::Block time, I presume? (PS I’m assuming “GFE” means “Google fucking exists” since it’s not a policy and I’m pretty sure it’s not referring to “[[w:girlfriend experience]]” in this context) [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 15:00, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::::::They’re also edit-warring over trivial changes seemingly just to bludgeon their “ownership” of the pages. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 15:07, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I assume that GFE refers to &quot;Good faith effort&quot;. I would advise you to cease the edit warring from your side as well. Only when the dust settles from this latest dispute can we as admins act to address the situation in the best way.  ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:28, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
== [[User:DawgDeputy]]  [[User:Dronebogus]] edit war, content/policy dispute ==

As can be seen here, https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/DawgDeputy is convinced that [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations]] is rigid, official policy and even ACTUAL COPYRIGHT LAW, and is obsessed with enforcement of it to a ludicrous and disruptive extent, and making pointless edits ( https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Back_to_the_Future_Part_II&amp;curid=11833&amp;diff=3082616&amp;oldid=3082615 ) to the Back to the Future 2 article with minimal justification. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 16:19, 4 March 2022 (UTC)


:{{ping|Ningauble}}
:{{ping|Kalki}}
:{{ping|Koavf}}
:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}}

* {{vandal|Dronebogus}}

:This user has been constantly adding [[Avengers: Endgame|excessive quotes]] to [[Return of the Jedi|articles]], refusing to comply with quote limitations. And he has been hounding me with demands, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DawgDeputy&amp;diff=3082610&amp;oldid=3082607 refusing to accept my answer]. Requesting immediate investigation. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 16:22, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:*Wow that wasn’t remotely surprising that we both immediately showed up here complaining about each other and have no interest in “negotiating” after the pointless block we were both subjected to. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 16:26, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Dronebogus}} The &quot;pointless block&quot; was imposed because it does no one any good to have our site filled with users at war, going back and forth over the content of a page. It was imposed to create a pause in which cooler heads might prevail, nothing more (and no blame was assigned to either side, as the blocks were doled out equally). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:44, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::*{{Ping|DawgDeputy|Dronebogus}} Did you two post to the talk pages to get consensus? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:27, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::* {{Ping|Koavf}} I TRIED to negotiate on DD’s talkpage but I kept getting reverted and dismissed. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 16:29, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::::* Then if you can't get consensus between the two of you--which happens--ask for third parties to give their perspective. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:38, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
:::::* {{ping|Koavf}} And do you, as a third party, have any perspective? [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 16:39, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Just for the record, I had to dismiss his messages because 1: I was well within my rights to do so, and 2: He has no right to call the shots and disrespect quote limitations. And I have had quite the number of IP users of his same MO (but not the same person, mind you) blocked.
::::::Furthermore, one page on which Dronebogus edited: [[Return of the Jedi]], has 12 quotes, already over the 11-quote limit for that film. He insists that a quote of only &quot;three words&quot; (the one he continuously added was also incomplete) is not a violation. He is wrong. Even a quote of only one word still counts as a quote and toward the quote count. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 18:50, 4 March 2022 (UTC)

{{Ping|DawgDeputy|Dronebogus}}: how about you make a new topic on the talk page(s), ping me, and explain what the controversy is? Speaking from experience, edit-warring is not the answer. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:50, 4 March 2022 (UTC)


{{ping|Koavf}} I can’t do that because the problems are related to [[w:wp:CIR]] and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Disruptive_editing#Failure_or_refusal_to_%22get_the_point%22 refusal to listen], and stretch across multiple pages. They are the specifically:
*DawgDeputy thinks the non-official policy proposal [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations]] is essentially copyright law and must be followed to the exact letter: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Return_of_the_Jedi&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082614
*DawgDeputy refuses to negotiate and reach consensus, instead stonewalling arguments with repeated assertions they are just “following the rules” (once again LOQ is only an unofficial policy and not gospel truth): https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DawgDeputy&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082612 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DawgDeputy&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082607 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:DawgDeputy&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082599
*Despite claiming “not to make the rules”, DawgDeputy makes up their own non-textualist interpretations of guidelines: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&amp;diff=3082714&amp;oldid=3082711
*DawgDeputy engages in pointless edit warring over trivial changes that do not improve the article at all:  https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Back_to_the_Future_Part_II&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082616 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Back_to_the_Future_Part_II&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082547 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Back_to_the_Future_Part_II&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3082601
*DawgDeputy only edits a narrow range of articles related to, to be blunt, films and TV that would probably be of interest to kids or otherwise don’t require much thought to superficially enjoy (i.e. cartoons, action/adventure movies and comedies— I like those too but I also like more serious media), seemingly showing some topic ownership issues and possible immaturity: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/DawgDeputy&amp;target=DawgDeputy
*DawgDeputy seems to be obsessed with gatekeeping and civily violating [[w:WP:BITE]], seen both above and in https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&amp;diff=3082710&amp;oldid=3082691
As can be seen in all the above diffs, DawgDeputy doesn’t seem to believe in collaboration and compromise, the whole point of a wiki, instead deciding they and they alone are allowed to determine article content and relying on edit warring to wear down those they disagree with. Their behavior is similar to [[user:Eaglestorm]]’s issues with rules abuse and article ownership only DawgDeputy does their bludgeoning and edit warring civilly. Since they’re also one of the few users who doesn’t find Eaglestorm’s behavior completely insufferable I’d even tentatively postulate one might be the [[W:wp:sock|good hand/bad hand account]] of the other or a [[w:wp:meatpuppet]]. [[User:Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 07:22, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
: [[User:Dronebogus]], I urge you to reconsider your choice to refuse to follow Koavf's suggestion. Yes, it is a pain to deal with an edit warer who does not compromise, and you shouldn't have to do. But if you take the time and make the effort then, eventually, an admin will see the problem, see that it is not you, and take appropriate action. You now have an admin's attention. Don't squander it. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 16:17, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
:: {{ping|Butwhatdoiknow}} I said I already made an effort and they just reverted my request. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 16:30, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
::: Who is (or are) &quot;they&quot;? [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 18:35, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
::::DawgDeputy [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 19:22, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
::: Ah, yes, a classic DawgDeputy move. And one for which Koavf previously issued [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&amp;page=User%3ADawgDeputy a three month block]. My recommendation: cut the the link to the diff where DD reverted your post and paste it on to Koavf's talk page with a comment that you are attempting to comply with their proposed procedure. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 20:26, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
::::For the record, that block only denied me access to Koavf's talk page, simply for removing comments (to which he never replied) from a problematic user. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 02:52, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::::: For the record, here's [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Ferris_Bueller%27s_Day_Off&amp;diff=2770750&amp;oldid=2770690 an example] where an admin stepped in to restore a massive DawgDeputy removal. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 16:20, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::::::That is immaterial, and nevertheless went nowhere. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 17:24, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Stop trying to claim anything that makes you look bad or that you disagree with is invalid or irrelevant. That is commonly known as “moving the goalposts” and is frowned upon. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 19:13, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::::::::It was merely a dispute over a petty unnecessary addition to a quote that never went anywhere. Not a copyvio case. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 21:30, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::That is beside the point. You were violating actual policy against deleting other people’s comments for no good reason and not your outlandish interpretation of a policy draft that hasn’t been officially adopted (how many times must I state that last bit?) [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 22:01, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::: [[User:Dronebogus]], I note your post to Koavf's talk page with cites to DawgDeputy's talk page. If you have some examples of DawgDeputy removing posts somewhere other than their own talk page then I recommend you add those. If not, you should read and follow Koavf's suggestion to &quot;make a new topic on the talk page(s) [where edit warring is taking place], ping me, and explain what the controversy is.&quot;  [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 16:20, 6 March 2022 (UTC)
::::Koavf doesn’t really seem to get or care how disruptive DawgDeputy is. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 00:18, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
::::They’re spending more time nitpicking my complaints and implicitly blaming me for being equally stubborn and uncivil or something like that. It’s frustrating and I’d like a coherent response to the evidence I’ve provided and some kind of assistance with the situation.{{unsigned2|00:21, 7 March 2022 | Dronebogus}}
::::We have both provided good evidence this user is disruptive and continues to be. {{Unsigned2| 00:24, 7 March 2022‎|Dronebogus}}
::::: Dealing with a difficult editor is an asymmetrical battle and I understand your frustration. But you have to (a) remain civil and (b) avoid making it about personalities (&quot;it's the edits, not the editor&quot;), ''See'' [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Responding_to_a_failure_to_discuss#The_process Wikipedia:Responding to a failure to discuss]. 
::::: I will suggest one last time that you &quot;read and follow Koavf's suggestion to 'make a new topic '''on the talk page(s) [where edit warring is taking place]''', ping me, and explain what the controversy is'&quot; (emphasis added). That is, take it one article at a time - don't dump a laundry list. And if DD reverts your new topic, send a diff of that to Koavf. [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 06:00, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
**Koavf complained about making threads in different places. You can’t win for losing. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 09:36, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
***On the plus side DawgDeputy seems to have acquiesced to my changes after I provided a lengthy explanation. We’ll see if it lasts. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 09:39, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
****As I said, I’m skeptical of Koavf’s concern for the situation. They seem to think it’s a personal squabble and not a facet of a deep and long-running [[w:wp:cir]]] problem. I’ll try to do more research but I’m probably going to try an uninvolved admin. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 09:47, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
****:Wow, well, I didn't expect an assumption of bad faith, but as I wrote on my talk page, I am concerned about 1.) conversations spiraling out of control and being plastered over multiple pages and sucking up all kinds of complaints into one big mess that is hard to untangle and 2.) making conversations personality-based instead of principal- or guideline-based. I am not making any assumption about anyone's personal styles and I have seen inappropriate behavior from both of the individuals in this dispute. I really don't think my two preferences are very unreasonable. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:37, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
****::Fair enough. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 19:48, 7 March 2022 (UTC)

== More DawgDeputy edit warfare ==

DawgDeputy has been engaging in an edit war. I have tried to negotiate but they have just fallen back on “I don’t make the rules etc” again.

*https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Despicable_Me_(film)&amp;diff=3083933&amp;oldid=3083869 calls my edits “vandalism” (I was copying in incorrect material from an older version accidentally and removed it)
*https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Despicable_Me_(film)&amp;diff=3084016&amp;oldid=3084013 another mass revert without citing policy
*https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Despicable_Me_(film)&amp;diff=3084025&amp;oldid=3084024 simply calls additions “meaningless” instead of an explanation, misinterpreting unofficial guidelines yet again)
*https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Despicable_Me_(film)&amp;diff=3084026&amp;oldid=3084025 massive unexplained revert
*https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Despicable_Me_(film)&amp;diff=3084031&amp;oldid=3084029 more ABF
*https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Despicable_Me_(film) policy bludgeoning rather than seeking consensus

I actually want to improve the article based on DawgDeputy’s points, but I can’t do it if they refuse to let me edit it for five minutes. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 17:01, 7 March 2022 (UTC)

::I've commented on this specific incident on the film's talk page [[Talk:Despicable Me (film)|here]]. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:24, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
== Seeking admin input ==

I'm not sure if any of the other admins have followed any of the discussion above, but I am asking for review by other admins. I have tried to mediate a bit and have tried to create some compromise, but now I am also being challenged for doing so. Before I instinctively respond in a rather vindictive manner, I would like to have fresh eyes review it and take any appropriate action. In particular, please look at the edit history of ''[[Despicable Me (film)]]'' and its talk page, as well as the discussions above. I believe my actions towards all three users in this case were correct, but I of course lack objectivity at this point. And while I am sympathetic towards Dronebogus in their discussion with the other two, it appears that I have run afoul of them now too. It is my belief that the last edit to the film page should be reverted to the version after my changes, but I am reluctant to continue another edit war. Please review and act as you see fit. Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:54, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
:Really no thoughts from anyone? Is no one reading this noticeboard anymore? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:56, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
::I feel like you and Koavf are the only active admins anymore [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 15:09, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
:* @ UDScott I try to read this board whenever I get a chance, but following discussion here requires an enormous amount of time. I believe that one of the main reasons for this is the frequency in which edits here are removed by other editors, often without any consequences to the offenders. Just my $.02 [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:35, 10 March 2022 (UTC)
== GRP returns ==

[[Academia]] is his latest target. Please protect, thank you. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 05:10, 20 February 2022 (UTC)
:Protected. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 20 February 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Koavf}} thank you! GRP is now targeting [[Diane Sawyer]], which needs protection. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 03:34, 21 February 2022 (UTC)
:::Also [[Truth]]. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 03:34, 21 February 2022 (UTC)
::::Got 'em. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:56, 21 February 2022 (UTC)
:::::One more: [[User talk:Britmax]] -- thanks in advance. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 19:22, 21 February 2022 (UTC)

: Good morning. Reusing this thread because he was back this morning with more abuse. Could an admin please hide [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=10%3A10_%28film%29&amp;action=revisiondelete&amp;type=revision&amp;ids%5B3078125%5D=1&amp;ids%5B3078123%5D=1&amp;ids%5B3078119%5D=1&amp;ids%5B3078096%5D=1 these abusive edit summaries]? Thanks, ---- [[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 15:27, 23 February 2022 (UTC)
::Wow, I've never seen this interface before. Thanks, M. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:06, 24 February 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|UDScott}} GRP is now vandalising [[Talk:Death]]. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 16:19, 26 February 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|UDScott}} could you revdel the abusive edits and edit summaries that GRP has left on this page? Thanks! [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 14:53, 28 February 2022 (UTC)
:: You might also want to semi-protect this page temporarily. [[User:1234qwer1234qwer4|𝟙𝟤𝟯𝟺𝐪𝑤𝒆𝓇𝟷𝟮𝟥𝟜𝓺𝔴𝕖𝖗𝟰]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|𝗍𝗮𝘭𝙠]]) 15:11, 28 February 2022 (UTC)
::: Make that indefinitely. There is no stopping this vandal unless he is dealt with and banned from the Internet by the proper authorities. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:20, 28 February 2022 (UTC)
:::: I suppose, though this particular vandal is unlikely to stop and will just find another page to attack. [[User:1234qwer1234qwer4|𝟙𝟤𝟯𝟺𝐪𝑤𝒆𝓇𝟷𝟮𝟥𝟜𝓺𝔴𝕖𝖗𝟰]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|𝗍𝗮𝘭𝙠]]) 15:22, 28 February 2022 (UTC)
::::: He can try, but he will only end up in serious, unavoidable trouble. This is why I think only registered users should edit on WMF. Vandals easily take advantage of IP addresses. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:31, 28 February 2022 (UTC)
:Today's target: [[War]]. [[User:JavaHurricane|JavaHurricane]] ([[User talk:JavaHurricane|talk]]) 06:30, 1 March 2022 (UTC)
::Now at [[Talk:War]]. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 15:34, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:Now at [[Talk:Memorial Day]]. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 12:59, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
:Now at [[Fulton J. Sheen]]. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 05:26, 20 March 2022 (UTC)
::Now attacking [[Torture]]; a massive revert war is going on there between GRP on proxies and several vandal fighters. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 04:45, 23 March 2022 (UTC)
== [[Special:Contributions/I like to say i'm blue, but i'm also a world|I like to say i'm blue, but i'm also a world]] constantly vandalizing pages: ==

Hello, could an admin please block for this user for constantly vandalizing pages and [[Special:Diff/3091251|making useless redirects]] to random pages? Thank you. [[User:DarkMatterMan4500|DarkMatterMan4500]] ([[User talk:DarkMatterMan4500|talk]]) 13:31, 25 March 2022 (UTC)

:Account has been locked; a nuke is needed now. ''[[User:JavaHurricane| &lt;span style = &quot;color:green&quot;&gt;Java&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:JavaHurricane|&lt;span style = &quot;color:red&quot;&gt;Hurricane&lt;/span&gt;]]'' 18:25, 25 March 2022 (UTC)
::That's {{done}}. Noticed they went onto simplewiki and nuked the pages there but didn't notice here. Thanks {{u|JavaHurricane}} and {{u|DarkMatterMan4500}}. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:45, 25 March 2022 (UTC)
== 102.184.31.218 ==

Only made one edit, but you might wanna keep an eye on them to make sure they don't vandalize. [[Special:Contributions/2603:6080:A700:1C39:A07A:EE06:CF73:43EE|2603:6080:A700:1C39:A07A:EE06:CF73:43EE]] 17:22, 26 March 2022 (UTC)

:It was a WMF-banned editor, but they edited 12 hours ago and have probably moved onto another IP so blocking will probably not help anything. Thank you for the report though, and happy editing!--[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 17:24, 26 March 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks for the cheers. I did not say to block them, just keep an eye on them. You never know. IPs can change over time. [[Special:Contributions/2603:6080:A700:1C39:A07A:EE06:CF73:43EE|2603:6080:A700:1C39:A07A:EE06:CF73:43EE]] 17:28, 26 March 2022 (UTC)
== This user keeps bugging me about restoring the 2010s and 2020s sections of the Horror film page on Wikipedia. ==

This user, CreepshowJollygiant, keeps bugging me about restoring the 2010s and 2020s sections of the Horror film page on Wikipedia. So could you please put a stop to this as soon as possible? [[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]] ([[User talk:AdamDeanHall|talk]]) 15:46, 30 March 2022 (UTC)

: Now another user, 107.119.45.37, has just pestered me about the same thing, and something about being crooked and unsourced. Could you please do something about this right now? Here are the links to the users I’m talking about: [[Special:Contributions/107.119.45.37]], [[Special:Contributions/CreepshowJollygiant]]

https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:AdamDeanHall&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=3093031&amp;oldid=3092810&amp;diffmode=source
https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:AdamDeanHall&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=3093108&amp;oldid=3093047&amp;diffmode=source

[[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]] ([[User talk:AdamDeanHall|talk]]) 20:17, 30 March 2022 (UTC)

:I've blocked both the users involved. Thanks for reporting! --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:58, 30 March 2022 (UTC)

== I am reporting a ban evasion. ==

This user, [[Special:Contributions/LeftyJuJu]], has a history of a ban evasion, and is linked to the other blocked accounts. Could you please block him as soon as possible? He keeps asking me over and over again to restore the 2010s and 2020s sections on the Horror film page on Wikipedia. [[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]] ([[User talk:AdamDeanHall|talk]]) 02:50, 31 March 2022 (UTC)

:It's now been globally locked by stewards. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 06:26, 31 March 2022 (UTC)

== Request ==

Please protect [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Vladimir_Lenin&amp;action=history Talk:Vladimir Lenin]: LTA target. Thanks, --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 05:12, 31 March 2022 (UTC)

:{{re|Mtarch11}} {{done}}, thanks --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 06:28, 31 March 2022 (UTC)
== Request (2) ==

Please protect [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Aleksandr_Solzhenitsyn&amp;action=history Talk:Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]: LTA target. Thanks, --[[User:Mtarch11|Mtarch11]] ([[User talk:Mtarch11|talk]]) 06:22, 1 April 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} already but didn't see this. Thanks! --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:24, 2 April 2022 (UTC)

== Request protection ==

My user talk page is currently the target of on-going harrassment by an LTA-sock. Thank you [[User:Thewolfchild|Thewolfchild]] ([[User talk:Thewolfchild|talk]]) 18:02, 2 April 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Thewolfchild}}, seeing as you haven't edited much here and you've had to deal with a lot of LTA on your talk page, I've semi-protected your talk page for a whole year. Hope this helps. :) --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:14, 2 April 2022 (UTC)
::Should do. Thanks [[User:Thewolfchild|Thewolfchild]] ([[User talk:Thewolfchild|talk]]) 22:34, 2 April 2022 (UTC)

== I am reporting more ban evasions. ==

These users, [[Special:Contributions/107.122.97.40]] and [[Special:Contributions/166.205.141.44]], have a history of a ban evasion, and are linked to the other blocked accounts. Could you please block them as soon as possible? They keep asking me over and over again to restore the 2010s and 2020s sections on the Horror film page on Wikipedia. [[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]] ([[User talk:AdamDeanHall|talk]]) 04:22, 3 April 2022 (UTC)
== [[user:AdamDeanHall]] edit warring at [[Return of the Jedi]] ==

&lt;s&gt;User has been repeatedly removing the iconic “it’s a trap” quote with little or no explanation. This can be seen at the top of the article history here: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Return_of_the_Jedi&amp;action=history The quote is supported by multiple editors (see last 2 sections of https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Return_of_the_Jedi) and there’s no mandatory quote limit ([[Wq:LOQ]] is not policy). I think this counts as disruptive editing. Recommend temporarily locking to this version: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Return_of_the_Jedi&amp;oldid=3084058 [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 02:52, 31 March 2022 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;

Withdrawing as it seems to have resolved itself. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 08:45, 4 April 2022 (UTC)
== Protection request ==

Please protect [[Pope Benedict XVI]] because of repeated long-term abuse. &lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Trebuchet MS;&quot;&gt;[[m:User:EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#000;&quot;&gt;Ethan&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:EthanGaming7640#top|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#888;&quot;&gt;Gaming&lt;/span&gt;]][[Special:Contribs/EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:red;&quot;&gt;7640&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/span&gt; 14:06, 6 April 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:31, 6 April 2022 (UTC)
== [[Despicable Me (film)]] Still an edit war target ==

Requesting page protection [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 06:42, 8 April 2022 (UTC)
: Why not try starting a discussion on the talk page first? [[User:Butwhatdoiknow|Butwhatdoiknow]] ([[User talk:Butwhatdoiknow|talk]]) 14:47, 8 April 2022 (UTC)

::I have already made my feelings known regarding this page (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Seeking_admin_input|discussion]] from March above). At that time, I asked for additional admin input, but really never received any. I would again ask on of the others to take a look at the history and offer some input before I again step into it. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:22, 8 April 2022 (UTC)
== Restoring the 2010s and 2020s-present section ==

Every user who has committed each and every ban evasion has kept asking me to restore the 2010s and 2020s-present section of the [[w:Horror film|Horror film]] page on Wikipedia. They have been doing this to me time and again, every chance they got. So could you please do something about this before another ban-evading user starts bothering me again? [[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]] ([[User talk:AdamDeanHall|talk]]) 15:58, 3 April 2022 (UTC)

:Hi @[[User:AdamDeanHall|AdamDeanHall]], 
: 
:You have taken it upon yourself to remove messages, not only from your own user talk, but also from mine. Just wondering why? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 01:32, 12 April 2022 (UTC)
== Ian Kershaw ==

The article contains some blatant selective quoting from Kershaw's biography of Adolf Hitler. For example, it lists two quotes from a paragraph on page 412:
*For Catholics—the other sub-culture which Nazism found greatest difficulty in penetrating, before and after 1933—Hitler was above all seen as the head of a ‘godless’, anti-Christian movement.
*On the nationalist-conservative Right… Hitler was portrayed for the most part as intransigent and irresponsible, a wild and vulgar demagogue, not a statesman, an obstacle to political recovery, the head of an extreme movement with menacing socialistic tendencies.

The full paragraph says:
:For the Socialist and Communist left — with only minor differences between them in this regard — Hitler was portrayed as the hireling of big capitalism, the front-man for the imperialists, the political strike-force of the enemies, of the working class. Such views were to persist after 1933 in the left-wing underground resistance organizations, the underestimation of Hitler they contained hindering clear perceptions of the ideological dynamism of Nazism. For Catholics — the other sub-culture which Nazism found greatest difficulty in penetrating, before and after 1933 — Hitler was above all seen as the head of a ‘godless’, anti-Christian movement. In Protestant church-going circles, impression of Hitler varied. Some looked to the dangers of a neo-heathen movement which had roused the base instincts of the masses. Others saw the potential, at a time when church attendance was dwindling and moral and religious values were allegedly being undermined, of Hitler's 'national renewal' bringing in its wake ethical and religious revival. On the nationalist-conservative Right, the relatively sympathetic treatment of Hitler at the time of the Young Plan Campaign had given way to hostility. Hitler was portrayed for the most part as intransigent and irresponsible, a wild and vulgar demagogue, not a statesman, an obstacle to political recovery, the head of an extreme movement with menacing socialistic tendencies. Against these negative images had to be set the adulation of the third of the population that, despite the setbacks of summer and autumn, still saw in Hitler the only hope for Germany's future.

I tried to remove the selectively-used quotes, but get this error message:
:This action has been automatically identified as harmful, and therefore disallowed. If you believe your action was constructive, please inform an administrator of what you were trying to do. A brief description of the abuse rule which your action matched is: GRP
Can you fix this? [[User:Anywikiuser|Anywikiuser]] ([[User talk:Anywikiuser|talk]]) 18:28, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

:I have disabled the filter temporarily while I try to find a fix.--[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:29, 13 April 2022 (UTC)
== Legacy of banned user User:Libraryclerk0191 ==

Consider for example the article [[Ukraine]], a favorite target of User:Libraryclerk0191. &lt;s&gt;Search [[Ukraine]] for the word &quot;NATO&quot; (as in &quot;NATO expansion&quot;) -- 44 results.&lt;/s&gt; Hmm. 

Another top target was [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis]], although that has been significantly improved since {{u|Rauisuchian}} listed some of its problems, for example, &quot;cherrypicked routine reporting (not notable quotes),&quot; &quot;promotional links/blogspam ,&quot; &quot;pro-Kremlin stances that are so duplicated and given such weight that it is contrary to reliable sources, etc., and no longer informative to see what the Russian state position is when it's such a large portion of the article.&quot;

LC's [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191 |contribution history]] pinpoints articles that are important to Russian disinformation. I put a couple on my watchlist to improve, and I hope others take a look and do the same. 

To clarify, I am enthusiastic about articles including quotes from a wide range of viewpoints. But Wikiquote should not be used as free advertising for fringe thinkers published by questionable sources like [[w:MintPress News]] and [[w:unz.com]]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:16, 9 April 2022 (UTC)
: Update, I removed a lot of the POV-pushing from [[Ukraine]] and added some quotes from notable historians and authors who have said interesting things about Ukraine. But LC already has some successors pushing his same POV in his same favorite articles, citing his same favorite fringe unreliable sources. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:35, 10 April 2022 (UTC)

::Agree, for the last several weeks at least there's a POV-pushing campaign running largely unchecked here. It's anti-western, anti-US, pro-Russian, and is hitting from both far right and far left. Some of the theme pages are just coatracks for anti-US propaganda. Have a look at [[war crimes]] for an outrageous example (is the US the worst committer of war crimes in history? sure looks like it from that page.) 
::{{u|HouseOfChange}} -- excellent job adding, cleaning up, restoring balance -- thank you. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 03:52, 11 April 2022 (UTC)
:::Hi@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] @[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
:::It is not clear to me what it is you agree with:
:::* &quot;for the last several weeks at least there's a POV-pushing campaign running largely unchecked heree&quot;
:::AND that:
:::* &quot;Banned&quot; [[User:Libraryclerk0191]] is the one responsible for this &quot;campaign&quot;?
:::Is  Libraryclerk0191 indeed responsible for this campaign? -- I don't know and have not spent the time to figure it out. I do believe though that we should not discuss the contributions of those who have been silenced without hearing their side of the story. I think? Any comments? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:32, 11 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Ottawahitech}} After finding Libraryclerk0191 in the page history of several problem articles, I checked to see if his [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191 |contribution history]] would pinpoint problem articles I hadn't seen. And, it did. That's not the same as calling LC &quot;responsible&quot; for the ongoing campaign in those articles. '''The stone mason who put up headstones showed us where the dead are; is he &quot;responsible&quot; if someone dies next week?''' I care about problem articles, not about blame. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 04:48, 12 April 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|HouseOfChange}} Thank you for helping to address this problem, great work on the cleanup. 
:There are lots of POV pushing campaigns that have or will become more obvious, and suspected astroturfing takes time from volunteer editors who have to address reverting that fringe content rather than revising and adding new notable content.
:One thing I suggested earlier was an automated removal of all [[w:unz.com]] quotes (as cited on Wikipedia, &quot;The website has been criticized by the Anti-Defamation League as hosting racist and antisemitic content, and the Southern Poverty Law Center which has labeled it a white nationalist publication.&quot; and the site is deprecated on [[w:WP:RSPSOURCES]]). Removal of this fringe source -- quotes from which, have neither historical notability nor secondary source notability -- would go a long way. There are multiple pages of Wikiquote results for &quot;Unz Review&quot;. Its presence on an article is a potential red flag to look for other questionable sources being used and added by the same editors.
:Like you said &quot;Wikiquote should not be used as free advertising for fringe thinkers published by questionable sources&quot;. Along these lines, we could consider an equivalent of [[w:WP:ELNO]] for external links  here as well for article quality. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 04:15, 12 April 2022 (UTC)

=== Similar edits === 
&lt;!-- broken up for readability... feel free to edit this header --&gt;

: Props to admin {{u|Ferien}} and others for maintaining Wikiquote and fighting vandalism. Looks like {{u|Alphabravo2022}} was also blocked as a response to Libraryclerk0191 abusing multiple accounts. AlphaBravo2022's [[Special:Contributions/Alphabravo2022|contributions page]] is another data point in seeing which edits are potentially POV pushing. 

: Separately (probably not the same &quot;individual&quot; but who knows) another editor fervently restoring &quot;Unz Review&quot; links has been detected: this IP user [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E|2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E]], similar IPv6 address as a wave of correlated editors adding same fringe sources on the far right side. If admins with block abilities could review that user, that would be excellent. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 12:18, 13 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::: Agree, and note [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDB1:C600:4D8C:A964:F53B:51C]] and [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:7823:E32D:D7B5:5EDE]] are also up to no good here, as is another IP in Australia [[Special:Contributions/121.221.66.226]] with the same targets. Note that [[Charlottesville car attack]], [[Waukesha parade attack]], and [[Darrell Edward Brooks]] are repeat targets for hateful POV-pushing, with ZERO examples of &quot;quotations which are notable.&quot; [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:16, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

:: More interesting data points and correlations. Some folks on Discord noticed previous blocked users and IP ranges that appear similar to the current troll accounts.

:: The original sockmaster of the pro-Russia POV accounts could be [[User: Om777om]] ([https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/Om777om&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=Om777om contributions]) based on an initial trolling wave in 2019. The pattern of edits looks very similar.

:: Additionally, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=2001%3A8003%3ADDAA%3A5A00%3AAC93%3ACDBC%3A7BC8%3A319E%2F64 one Australian IPV6 range] posts consistently far-right, racist, and anti-Semitic content and anti-vaccine misinformation. Editor indicated by that IPv6 range appears to have a history going back to 2019 or earlier. These correlations might be useful for admins to look at. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 13:13, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

:: Two IPv4 ranges, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/1.152.108.86/24&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=1.152.108.86%2F24 here] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/1.136.104.177/24 here] may be the same fringe far-right editor as the Australian IPv6 range above. This is shown by the [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Abigail_Thorn&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;action=history revision history of the Abigail Thorn article] where the same &quot;The Grayzone&quot; content is added by these IPs in an edit war. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 13:51, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

==== IP block requests ====

: {{Ping|Ferien}} and others with block abilities: I am requesting blocks of this IPV6 range: [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=2001%3A8003%3ADDAA%3A5A00%3AAC93%3ACDBC%3A7BC8%3A319E%2F64 2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64] Contribution history shows POV pushing and spamming far right external links. More detail above, but the contribution history is self evident. Thank you. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 09:06, 14 April 2022 (UTC).
:: My edits are fine. Anything rauisuchian thinks is &quot;Extreme&quot; he wants reverted. [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:C469:22F4:BE68:2A79|2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:C469:22F4:BE68:2A79]] 09:36, 14 April 2022 (UTC)
::I second this. This individual is edit warring across multiple pages and adding far right and homophobic material.--[[User:C.J. Griffin|C.J. Griffin]] ([[User talk:C.J. Griffin|talk]]) 05:02, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
== Removing external links on Wikiquote that Wikipedia marks as deprecated or spam ==

Hello Wikiquote admins,

Several of the sites which Wikipedia's [[wikipedia:WP:RSPSOURCES|perennial sources noticeboard]] has deprecated or marked as spam, are cited widely on Wikiquote. For example, the conspiracy site &quot;Global Research&quot; (marked spam on Wikipedia) and the far-right &quot;Unz Review&quot; (marked deprecated on Wikipedia) bring up numerous results on Wikiquote. This includes external links to the fringe sites, and large passages of quotes from relatively non-notable or fringe sources. This probably also applies to other sites on the noticeboard but these are two obvious ones.

Can these links be removed from Wikiquote in all or almost all cases? Additionally, the quotes are usually undue weight. It is questionable that the viewpoint of a relatively non-notable extremist or fringe commentator (e.g. not notable enough to have their own article) actually have to be included. Reliable secondary sources would usually discuss the quote if it was notable enough to include.

Wikiquote could really be helped out by a bot that removes external links to sites that are marked spam on Wikipedia, that's the only thing the bot would have to do at first and would fix major problems. (Apologies if I have misrepresented or not been aware of existing anti-spam efforts on the part of the admins. If so, correct me.)

As a first step, perhaps Wikiquote could copy Wikipedia's spam denylist, and if the exceptions are few enough, they should be able to be removed by hand from the copied denylist. What do you think?

Thanks, [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 05:44, 20 March 2022 (UTC)

: I agree, and here is the list of  [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Deprecated_sources Wikipedia:Deprecated sources]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:22, 9 April 2022 (UTC)

:: Thanks, the list of deprecated source is useful and a bit more direct than just the RSPSOURCES. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 06:28, 12 April 2022 (UTC)

=== Specific problematic sources ===

: [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Rauisuchian&amp;diff=3101317&amp;oldid=3099499 Ottawahitech had questions about] this section and point on my talk page, which I have re-directed here.

:The original questions by [[User:Ottawahitech]] were:
 
::''&quot;I saw your post on WQ-AN about the [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard#Removing external links on Wikiquote that Wikipedia marks as deprecated or spam|Unz Review]]. I did not repond there becuase you addressed your post to WQ-Admins, which I am not.''
 
::''I would be interested in what you have to say on this topic, though. I did a search to see how wide-spread the use of unz is on WQ and found only 31 pages that had one quote which used unz as a source for the quote. I am not sure this causes a widespread npov problem at WQ, but I really cannot be sure.''
 
::''I checked one such page: [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and I have to say that the quote from Unz seemed much more tame to me than some of the other quotes. What is your take on Jeffrey Epstein? Thanks in advance,&quot;''
 
::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Rauisuchian&amp;diff=3101317&amp;oldid=3099499 Link diff] by [[User:Ottawahitech]]

: I said &quot;This should really go on the Noticeboard still, because it is a discussion of a proposal there, a proposal which relates to the admins.&quot; 

:  {{ping|Ottawahitech}} As was pointed out in this noticeboard and edit summaries, unz is [[w:WP:DEPSOURCES|WP:DEPRECATED]] on Wikipedia for various reasons including antisemitic content, copyright violations, and featuring [[w:WP:FRINGE|fringe]] bloggers as article writers. In addition to the link to it in the [[w:WP:DEPSOURCES|deprecated sources chart]], check the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Reliable_sources/Noticeboard/Archive_356#The_Unz_Review discussion leading to it being deprecated by unanimous consensus]. One of the editor comments was: &quot;Unz is platform open for to any crank seeking to promote the very fringe of the fringe of racist and pseudoscientific beliefs&quot;. This is why I believe, very similarly to that discussion, that we should not be putting quotes from it everywhere. Wikipedia points out with sources that the website [[w:unz.com]] has been criticized by the Anti-Defamation League as hosting racist and antisemitic content, and the Southern Poverty Law Center which has labeled it a white nationalist publication. Thus Unz is one of the lowest quality sources possible. There is no reason to quote it unless absolutely necessary and that has not been demonstrated.

: The reason there are fewer articles using unz as a source is... because we have been removing them. By we, I mean everybody who mentioned this on the noticeboard, plus various maintaining editors (I noticed a few admins helping with reverts) who also noticed POV pushing/edit warring/vandalism by Unz-adding IPs and users/socks, reverting edit wars by those socks. (Those sockpuppets, such as [[User:GaneshaSis|GaneshaSis]] and [[User:Libraryclerk0191|Librarycler0191]] and others, were all confirmed on the Noticeboard by observers, and by admins on their block pages, to be socks.) Before, there were many results for “Unz Review” in the search results. There are still too many, virtually all that remain are not notable quotes on top of being from unreliable sources and should be removed. There are currently 28 citations remaining which is likely still too much, considering the low notability and fringe nature of the source.

: ''“I checked one such page: [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and I have to say that the quote from Unz seemed much more tame to me than some of the other quotes. What is your take on Jeffrey Epstein?”'' There are so many possible sources we could use to illustrate the evil of Epstein with notable quotes, that there is no need to add external links to deprecated sources on the article. Epstein’s crimes were widely discussed in mainstream reporting, despite what fringe sources say about it supposedly not being covered. Rather there are many investigative journalists that could be cited instead, especially contentious aspects like intelligence connections or conspiracy theories about his death. Generally “quotes about” should be by people with their own Wikipedia article or in publications with their own article in reliable sources. Previously in that article [[w:Zero Hedge]] was needlessly cited when [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg News]] was available, currently there are “Quotes about” from [[w:MintPress News]] -- which is also [[w:WP:DEPSOURCES|WP:DEPRECATED]] by [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Reliable_sources/Noticeboard/Archive_268#RfC:_MintPress_News this discussion] which concluded false or fabricated information was published by it -- as well as the Unz Review. One of the sockpuppets, GaneshaSis, appears heavily in the revision history adding fringe citations. Once again, the function of Wikiquote is to include notable quotes, but some of these bloggers are just too small and fringe to be citing for due weight. This applies to any article that has had deprecated sources placed in by those sockpuppets. For something specific go to the talk page of that article. 

: The overall point is that Wikipedia deprecated sources should also be so on Wikiquote, unless they are exceedingly notable quotes and in all the recent cases of removals and examples mentioned yet, no such exception has been found. Thanks. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 18:16, 20 April 2022 (UTC)
:: Thanks to {{ping|Rauisuchian}} for identifying the problem that the sock team not only pushed conspiracy theories at Wikiquote but also pushed links to conspiracy-promoting websites, where (if our users followed such a link), they would be exposed to [https://www.influencewatch.org/person/ron-unz/ evenworse material]. And thanks to {{ping|Ottawahitech}}for flagging the many problems at [[Jeffrey Epstein]], aside from outbound links. I tried to improve that article, explaining my work on its talk page. Only in the most unusual circumstances should the &quot;specialness&quot; of a quote from a [[w:WP:DEPSOURCES|WP:DEPRECATED]] source overcome the downsides of sharing such links here. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:55, 21 April 2022 (UTC)
== Suggested revision for  &quot;Welcome Newcomers&quot; section: ==

This is being posted with sincere best wishes &amp; hopes that this will prove to be helpful to this project. Suggest that the text on the welcome newcomers page be updated for the sake of '''honesty'''.  Suggestions follow excerpts of the actual text, and are in bold &lt;BR&gt;'''[[Wikiquote:Welcome,_newcomers]] 
{{collapse top}}
===Welcome Newcomers===

===Editing===
*Anyone can edit pages on Wikiquote, including this one — just select the Edit this Page link on the top or bottom of this page if you think it needs improvement. You don't need special credentials, you don't even need to be logged in....A simple way to start helping is just to use Wikiquote as you would any other dictionary of quotations, but when you spot a problem—a spelling mistake, perhaps, or an unclear sentence, then go in and fix it. Be bold in updating pages - if you can see a way of improving a page, just do it...

====Suggested additional Text for Editing section====
'''*Newcomers should bear in mind that WQ is increasingly resembling a [[police state]] characterized by [[Anti-intellectualism]]. Newcomers who want to post quotes from comic books, b grade horror movies &amp; novels, [[Mainstream media|MSNBC, CNN, or Fox news]] without touching any [[Controversy|controversial]] issues, you should be fine.  However, if you dare to be [[bold]] in updating pages (as the welcome suggests) and if one or more admins don't like your contributions, chances are you will be banned  from WQ without a single warning, prior discussion, or hearing.&lt;BR&gt;The length of your ban will apparently depend on how the admin feels at the time... your banishment could be for a week, a year or even forever.  Apparently the banishers are not following any rules, other than perhaps their own dodgy thoughts or commands from someone(?) that apparently lead them to believe that they must maintain the status quo, prevent critical thoughts or the publication of thoughts from notable people who dare to think outside the box, and that they should never tolerate others who question the authorities, or some such... who knows what goes on in their minds? ;-). We should assume that they mean well and they probably do, based on their level of education and life experience. &lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;While most of the admins here come across as reasonable, helpful, cooperative &amp; pleasant, there are some admins who apparently stay in the dark, in the background- who come across as very hardheaded &amp; coldblooded diehard supporters of the old views that say might makes right,  anti-intellectualism is best, &amp; that rules are for others only, not them. &lt;BR&gt;They are allowed to behave as one person judges, juries &amp; executioners, and they apparently report to no-one. Of course those admins support each other.&lt;BR&gt; They routinely force their POVs thru their banishments on others here and sadly, none of the otherwise pleasant &amp; cooperative admins complain when they do. &lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;New comers should be warned that Wikiquote's promotional text about what a great place wikiquotes is to work, is sadly only window dressing.  It can be good place to do volunteer work, but ONLY IF ALL the admins approve of ALL of your work; and if they don't approve, newcomers should not expect any warnings. They'll let you know by kicking you out based on their POV.:-) &lt;BR&gt;A good number of hardworking, volunteers have spent many hours here with all the best intentions/energy to help move this project forward, only to find that one of the admins banned them arbitrarily, without what most reasonable people would call a &quot;[[Justice|just]] cause&quot; or good reason. There are words for that behavior, of course.  &lt;BR&gt;Newcomers are encouraged to remember that we live in a world that presently is run by what many call  &quot;the best people that money can buy&quot;. Hopefully at least some of the newcomers will know that the best people cannot be bought. That should be born in mind here &amp; everywhere else, especially in the western world.
*Newcomers are also encouraged to remember that all the admins are only temporary workers. Eventually, ALL the admins whose behavior gives WQ a bad reputation, will surely be replaced by admins who are truly  honest, justice oriented, diplomatic leaders. '''

* Re:  '''Newcomers who want to post quotes from comic books, b grade horror movies &amp; novels, MSNBC, CNN, or Fox news without touching any controversial issues, you should be fine. However, if you dare to be bold in updating pages (as the welcome suggests) and if one or more admins don't like your contributions, chances are you will be banned  from WQ without a single warning, prior discussion, or hearing'''.
:why do you say this (not sure who posted this, but I am unable to respond via the reply tool [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:42, 22 April 2022 (UTC)

===Writing Section ===
*Editing our existing set of knowledge is great, but we'd like you to contribute your knowledge too. You can start a brand-new page, or find an existing page and add an entirely new section to it. Don't worry too much about making mistakes—if you do get something slightly wrong, then you, or anyone, can always fix it later...

====Suggested additional Text   Writing section====
*'''Newcomers: If ANY of your  contributions happen to displease one of the admins, don't expect them to discuss it with you or give you any warnings.  You should expect to be kicked off the set (blocked) for a year or forever, with out any warning or discussion whatsever, despite your best intentions and naive  hope/belief, that if your contribution(s) were not ok with the admins, that they would have the decency/civility to discuss/advise you, and give you a chance to make suggested changes.   ''' 


===Good Faith rule===
* https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Assume_good_faith
*To assume good faith is a fundamental principle on Wikiquote. In allowing anyone to edit, we must assume that most people who work on the project are trying to help it, not hurt it. If this weren't true, a project like Wikiquote would be doomed from the beginning. When you can reasonably assume that a mistake someone made was a well-intentioned attempt to further the goals of the project, correct it without criticizing. When you disagree with people, remember that they probably believe that they are helping the project. Consider using talk pages to explain yourself, and give others the opportunity to do the same. This can avoid misunderstandings and prevent problems from escalating. Good faith is obviously not bad faith.

====Good Faith rule: Suggested additional text ====
'''*But newcomers, beware that while there are some admins who apparently follow the assume good faith rule, there are some who assume bad faith and when they do  you may suddenly be banned without any warning and probably be given negative labels - which is a violation of one of the other rules:
[[Wikiquote:No_personal_attacks|No_personal_attacks]]  
'''
=== No Personal attacks===
*https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:No_personal_attacks 
*Don't do it[edit]There is no excuse for personal attacks on other contributors. Do not make them.

====Personal attacks - suggested additional text====
*'''But newcomers, please note that it  is viewed as being ok here for some of the admins to disregard that rule if &amp; when they feel like it  &amp; to make derogatory comments about editors whenever they want to, and to ignore other editors (who they like) whenever they also make personal attacks.'''  
&lt;HR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;
**that's all for now. 
{{collapse bottom}}
*We sincerely hope this feedback will help more see facts (reality) of the situation as some other see it.
**LibraryClerk0191

*'''The real struggle is not between the right and the left but between the party of the thoughtful and the party of the jerks.'''
**[[Jimmy Wales]] 

*Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed.  
**[[William Faulkner]]

:::In opposing a sockpuppet battalion using lying and deception to force their POV on Wikiquote, we are most definitely raising our voices for honesty and truth, so there's that. Thank you Mr. Faulkner. And I can add this bit from ''The Sound and the Fury'': &quot;...and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.&quot; We're not trying to &quot;win&quot; anything, O mighty sockpuppeteer -- we're trying to create a complete and neutral-point-of-view collection of quotes. If you come in good faith you can edit. But not this way. There's nothing &quot;good faith&quot; about making multiple accounts to present the illusion of being multiple people. Nothing. Ever. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 23:11, 23 April 2022 (UTC)
== When are userpages deleted on WQ and when are they not? ==

Every once in a while I discover users who have had their userpage deleted. It is not always done at a user's request (it happened to me a long time ago on a wmf-sister website), and the public reasons recorded by the deleting admin are sometimes ambiguous, if present at all.

I wonder about this because I have noticed quite a large  turnover of admins at WQ, and some admins who treat WQ as a secondary, or even as a stepping stone, residence. Am I the only one here  worried about the loss of community-memory? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:46, 23 April 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Ottawahitech}}, user pages are only deleted if a user requests it or if it is pure spam. We don't get very many user pages used for vandalism often but if a page was just created for vandalism, it will also be deleted.
:With your second point, Wikiquote is not my home wiki (so you might say I count as one of those admins you are talking about) but I don't intend to delete random things and I don't think that's the case with anyone else. I can't see any admin here deleting a page for the hell of it, so I don't think you have to worry about old user pages being lost. Regards, --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:55, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
== Clean up on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Naura Hayden 1959 promo.jpg|thumb|Every major U.S. war  of the last several decades has begun the same way: the U.S. government fabricates an inflammatory, emotionally provocative lie which [[Mainstream media|large U.S. media outlets]] uncritically treat as truth while refusing at air questioning or dissent, thus inflaming primal anger against the country the U.S. wants to attack... ~ [[Glenn Greenwald]]]] Sorry for the horrible image. I've recently seen it a lot, because it's a favorite of one POV-pushing editor who has added it here to lots of different articles.

By an abuse of multiple accounts, that POV-pushing editor has succeeded in disguising the extent of his solo contribution to many articles. He/she/they used Wikiquote to push pro-Kremlin, anti-Ukraine, anti-Israel, and anti-US editorializing, presented as &quot;quotes.&quot; 

For example&quot;  [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=International_law&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=3075989&amp;oldid=2757371 edits between March 2020 and Feb 17, 2022]  to the article [[International law]]. Quite the slant in those edits. Now take a look at the account names below (shown with their date of creation) all now blocked for being &quot;run&quot; by the same person. 

* [[Special:Contributions/GaneshaSis]]	(First edit made 10 January 2020)
* [[Special:Contributions/EarthLibrarian]]	(19 January 2020)
* [[Special:Contributions/Will-SeymoreIII]]	(21 January 2020)
* [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]	(7 February 2020)
* [[Special:Contributions/WeNotMeC020]]	(23 March 2020)
* [[Special:Contributions/Alphabravo2022]] 	(24 March 2022)
* [[Special:Contributions/Alicia-abdula-mcdonald]]	(27 March 2022)

Now take a look at the [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=International_law&amp;action=history page history of International law] and notice that every single edit made between March 2020 and Feb. 17, 2022 was made by a single person, disguising his hand by using all those different usernames. 

Two years of hard work by this person left a mess needing cleanup. I have been trying, at [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis‎]] and [[Ukraine]]. [[War crimes]] and [[Brainwashing]] are two more I've tried to fix. I would welcome advice on how we as a project can tackle this problem. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:55, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

:Oy veh, is my first response. I started to make a list this morning, of theme pages needing cleanup -- this list is incomplete (feel free to add to it!) -- most horrifying is that many of these theme pages were created by one of the (usually blocked) sockpuppets, and almost every subsequent edit is by the same person running one or another of the accounts listed above. This list does not include people, although it could. Strikes me that a WQ page on a right- or left-wing extremists is a logical place for extremist quotes, so -- maybe that's fine. But I don't think it's fine having pages like [[war crimes]] where absolutely every &quot;quote&quot; is an unquotable slab of babble about how the US and its cronies commit and have committed all the war crimes ever. I exaggerate, but not by much. Not by much. This is a mess.

* ''[[Allegation]]''
* [[Anti-intellectualism]]
* ''[[Big lie]]''
* [[Censorship]]
* ''[[Colonialism]]''
* [[Conscience]]
* ''[[Corruption]]''
* ''[[Cover-up]]''
* ''[[Cowardice]]''
* [[Denial]]
* ''[[Diplomacy]]''
* ''[[Fanaticism]]''
* ''[[Foreign policy of the United States]]''
* [[Freedom]]
* [[Genocide denial]]
* ''[[Hegemony]]''
* [[Hypocrisy]]
* ''[[Information Warfare Community]]''
* [[Integrity]]
* [[Leadership]]
* [[Mafia state]]
* ''[[Mainstream media]]''
* [[Mass media]]
* ''[[Misinformation]]''
* [[Nuclear power]]
* [[Philistinism]]
* [[Power]]
* [[Propaganda]]
* [[Reality]]
* [[Regret]]
* [[Rule of law]]
* [[Self-pity]]
* [[Sensationalism]]
* [[Truth]]
* [[Tyranny]]
* [[Utopia]]
* ''[[War]]''
* ''[[War crimes]]''

:Feel free to add, remove, revise. We could italicize them when done, or initial, or something. Some quotes are probably fine; I've been trying to look individually rather than just blanket revert, but -- what is the best way? [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 21:07, 13 April 2022 (UTC)

:: {{re|Antandrus}} Closely related: articles that were created by, and predominantly edited by, these accounts:
*	''[[Big lie]]'' created by Will-SeymoreIII on March 2, 2022. 
*	''[[Chevron Corporation]]'' created by GaneshaSis, just a COATRACK for material denouncing its treatment of ''[[Steven Donziger]]'' -- not a real &quot;quote&quot; between them. I nominated both for deletion on April 14. 
*	''[[Cover-up]]'', ''[[Allegation]]'', and ''[[Misinformation]]'', created by Alphabravo2022 on April 5, April 6, and April 6 respectively.
*	''[[Global catastrophic risk]]'' created by Libraryclerk0191 on February 26, 2022 from a copy-paste of ''[[Nuclear weapons]]'', another article targeted by the team.
*	''[[Honduras]]'' created by Will-SeymoreIII, and it would be good to have an article about Honduras but this article is not about Honduras, it is just political POV-pushing
*	''[[Hysteria]]'' created by Libraryclerk0191 on March 10, 2022
*	''[[International Monetary Fund]]'' created by GaneshaSis
*	''[[Mafia state]]'' created by Alphabravo2022 on March 30, 2022, about half of which is quotes from [[Confessions of an Economic Hit Man]] (an article created by WeNotMeC020)
*	''[[Moral panic]]'' created by Will-SeymoreIII on March 12, 2022
*	''[[Mutual assured destruction]]'' created by Libraryclerk0191 on March 10, 2022
*	''[[Theodore Postol]]'' created by Alphabravo2022 on March 30, 2022 is taken entirely from one essay by Postol on the danger of nuclear war and very likely violates copyright law
*	''[[United States embargo against Cuba]]'' created by GaneshaSis
*	''[[United States sanctions]]'' created by GaneshaSis
:: It's hard to imagine a reader who wants a notable quote about Chevron or IMF or United States sanctions -- but if they did, those articles would not provide even one for them. Aside from [[Honduras]], these should be stubs or re-directs to a useful topic until/unless some helpful person creates a real article. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:34, 14 April 2022 (UTC)
::: Also trimmed ''[[Decadence]]'' and ''[[Scarcity]]'', 2 stubs created and inflated by Will-SeymoreIII. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:20, 20 April 2022 (UTC)

: {{Ping|HouseOfChange|Antandrus}} Thank you so much HouseOfChange and Antandrus for compiling these lists, this section is an excellent resource documenting the troll activity. The funny and sad part is I recognize seeing that exact image on several articles. As for notability of content, fully agreed on all points and there's not much else I've noticed yet, besides the same editors. -- [[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]] ([[User talk:Rauisuchian|talk]]) 09:23, 14 April 2022 (UTC)

:: {{Ping|Rauisuchian|Antandrus}} I nominated [[Steven Donziger]] and [[Chevron Corporation]] at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion]]. I think I did something wrong with the template, but I hope somebody there can fix it properly. I am going to put those article titles in italics, above, and if they get deleted I will use strike tags, assuming they work here. Step by step. And I got my taxes submitted as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:36, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:::I think the VfDs are correct now (haven't done this before on WQ). Congratulations on the taxes :) 

::: Update, I am going to add italics to article titles where I have tried to start fixing them. If others do the same, the articles that may need help will stand out a bit more. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:23, 16 April 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] @[[User:Rauisuchian|Rauisuchian]]: Shouldn't this discussion be taking place on the respective talk pages of the articles  mentioned above? Not all contributors of WQ read this noticeboard. If one wishes to involve the community in these discussions, one has to post where the community expects a discussion to take place. I think? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:38, 16 April 2022 (UTC)
:::&lt;small&gt;Offtopic: @[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], in regards to your comment about taxes  above and since you said (through your edit summary): 
:::&lt;blockquote&gt; more italics, and yes, Easter is a holiday for me as well. Happy chocolate eggs to all who indulge!&lt;/blockquote&gt;
:::I thoght you will be pleased to find out that according to the website down detector the websites Taxslayer, Turbotax, IRS &amp; H&amp;R Block are right at the top of the charts for problems today, not only in North America but also in Europe, Asia , and more. I presume that means that:
:::# Many people around the world have to file taxes in the USA 
:::# Many people worldwide are not enjoying Easter, but instead are busy trying to get their taxes done [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:48, 17 April 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

:::Update, I nominated at AfD a small set of the socks' articles, ones on topics unlikely to attract good quotes that function instead as fake Wikipedia articles, one-sided assertions presented as facts about their topics. See [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/FakeWikipedia]] if you want to comment. Adding italics to those articles listed above. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 22:52, 23 April 2022 (UTC)

::: Update, admin {{ping|BD2412}} suggested on my talk page that I make a talk page display of removed quotes. I went back to [[Propaganda]], where on April 25 i removed a lot of the socks' POV pushing including the screaming face and an utterly off-topic Abu Ghraib image. I added an explanation of each diff including ALL the removed quotes to the article talk page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:46, 26 April 2022 (UTC)

=== Separate issue, requested block for white-nationalist IP ===
:::We still need a rangeblock on that IPv6 [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=2001%3A8003%3ADDAA%3A5A00%3AAC93%3ACDBC%3A7BC8%3A319E%2F64 2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64] from Australia. Any admins watching? {{ping|Ferien}}, can you help? That person pushes racist rubbish - [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Black_people&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3099510 this is typical]. &quot;Counter-currents.com&quot; is a white nationalist/white supremacist website, one of the ones trying to look respectable, like a set of freshly laundered KKK sheets. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:15, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
::::I've reverted more of the edits and blocked the latest incarnations of this user - but here is where I confess my technical limitations again (I am more of a content person than a technical one). I need some help regarding the necessary range block to better combat this situation. My knowledge and experience in these is rather limited (and in this case, it appears a bit more complex than usual). I have reviewed again [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Help:Range_blocks/IPv6 this page], but can anyone help provide some better guidance? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:41, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::Hi {{Ping|UDScott}} -- I'm not an admin here, obviously, but if the syntax is like it is on enwiki (pretty sure it's identical) you should be able to click either on [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64&amp;offset=&amp;limit=500&amp;target=2001%3A8003%3ADDAA%3A5A00%3AAC93%3ACDBC%3A7BC8%3A319E%2F64 2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64 here] and look for the &quot;block&quot; button, or  [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Block/2001:8003:DDAA:5A00:AC93:CDBC:7BC8:319E/64 maybe try this] (I've formatted the enwiki block link to be usable here). [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 14:44, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{u|UDScott}}, TonyBallioni explains it much better on a Wikipedia essay - [[:w:WP:64]]. Blocking the /64 will usually block just one person, although if you're unsure whether it's one person from the contributions then you should just block the one IP. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:54, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

===  Who has Check User (CU) status on WQ? === 

I have been trying to follow the recent torrent of posts to this notice board without much success. One thing that has not been discussed is who at WQ has access to CU information.

I have included the  following text from  [[w:Wikipedia:CheckUser]]:

&lt;blockquote&gt;On the English Wikipedia, CheckUser access is entrusted to a restricted number of trusted users who can execute CheckUser inquiries at their own discretion. The permission is granted by Wikipedia's Arbitration Committee, after community consultation and vetting of the editor by the committee’s members and the functionary team. While there is no formal requirement that checkusers also be administrators, the Arbitration Committee has traditionally restricted applications to users who are currently administrators. Checkusers must be 18 years of age or older and have signed the Wikimedia Foundation's confidentiality agreement for nonpublic information before being appointed. The use of the CheckUser tool on the English Wikipedia is monitored and controlled by the Arbitration Committee, and checkusers may have their permissions revoked by the Arbitration Committee for misuse or abuse of the tool.&lt;/blockquote&gt;

I would like to know if the same applies at WQ? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:47, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
: Nobody here has it. Our admins get help from the Wikimedia foundation if checkuser is needed here. It was checkuser done by those stewards that determined the misuse of multiple accounts we are now cleaning up from. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:28, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:(edit conflict) Good question. Looks like we [[Wikiquote:Requests_for_adminship#Requests_for_checkuser|do not have any current checkusers]], and &quot;Requests for checkuser actions can be made on the [[WQ:AN|noticeboard]] and a [[meta:Stewards|steward]] can be notified if needed.&quot; (As HoC indicates, we had help from stewards doing CU a couple days ago in unmasking the Libraryclerk sockpuppets listed above.) [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 16:30, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
* Yeah. We don't have it. It requires a majority support and at least 25 users in support in an election on a project without an ArbCom. We just don't have enough active users to get 25 supports in an election. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:36, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
::Although we used to have a couple in the past - but I don't think they are active users (or even still have it) any more. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:50, 15 April 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|UDScott}}, indeed, [[Special:ListUsers/checkuser|we don't have any checkusers anymore]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:51, 15 April 2022 (UTC)

==== Comparison of ''privacy protection'' between Wikiquote ('''WQ''') and the English Wikipedia ('''ENWP''') ====

I guess everyone here agrees that  the '''WMF Stewards''' decide who is a socketpuppet at '''WQ''', not the '''WQ-admins''' who merely block the local sockpuppets?

If so, I guess the inhabitants of '''WQ''' have no say and do not enjoy  the same protections that are available  to those  who contribute to '''ENWP'''. What I mean by that is that sockpuppet investigations at '''ENWP''' are public and open  to  any member of the community who wishes to voice  an opinion. For example (thanks to [[User:Ferien]] for the following link): [[w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Pcmishradigital/Archive]]

Also it means that the privacy of all community members is protected by the community, not only by the few who are serving as '''Stewards'''? Thanks for your thoughts, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 19:38, 16 April 2022 (UTC)

:{{re|Ottawahitech}} People at Wikiquote can request and comment on checkuser requests made at [[:m:SRCU]]. In terms of privacy, as far as I'm aware, stewards do not go around checking community members' accounts unless a request is made at SRCU and there is good reason to suspect sockpuppetry, although I may be wrong. Stewards always work with the community, never against them, and most actions stewards take (global locks, global blocks, GS actions etc.) are supposed to be uncontroversial. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:07, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Ferien|Ferien]]: Thanks for responding, especially during Easter,  a holiday for many WQ contributors, I think?
::I wonder if you would be kind enough to provide pointers to readers who want to locate this particular check-user request on META-SRCU. I don't believe a direct link has been provided in any of the preceding posts(?).Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:20, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ottawahitech}}, there wasn't a checkuser request for this one, but the one user (Libraryclerk0191) was already blocked when the check was made and there were many accounts displaying very similar behaviour. And yes, Easter is a holiday for me. -- [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:25, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
::::&lt;small&gt;(Thanks @ Ferien, please feel free to finish your Easter in peace. The rest of this is directed  at the WQ community at large)&lt;/small&gt;
::::Here is what the [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Log?type=block&amp;user=&amp;page=Libraryclerk0191&amp;wpdate=&amp;tagfilter=&amp;wpfilters%5B%5D=newusers  block log] for Libraryclerk0191 currently says:
::::&lt;blockquote&gt;22:42, 11 April 2022 Ferien talk contribs changed block settings for Libraryclerk0191 talk contribs with an expiration time of infinite ('''account creation disabled, email disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Harassment: also disruption w/ false information / suspecting Russian propaganda. Also found to be abusing multiple accounts''') Tags: Mobile edit Mobile web edit Advanced mobile edit&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::In the interest of transparency and inclusiveness it should also include a META-CU request&amp;decision link, don’t you agree? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:54, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::These are sockpuppets of a user who has been adding pro-Russian propaganda since 2019, with cross-project concerns as well. I don't see what the issue is. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 19:38, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
::::::@[[User:Vermont|Vermont]],
::::::Yes I agree it is difficult to follow this topic as it unfolds here. Having said that may I ask a couple of questions: 
::::::* Are you speaking as a private individual or are you speaking as a spokesperson for all wmf-Stewards?
::::::* Do you feel that individuals who are involved in WQ &quot;editing&quot; are entitled to online privacy?
::::::* Do you believe that Wikiquotiens are not entitled to the same protections that are afforded to Wikipedians?
::::::* How do you know that &quot;These are sockpuppets of a user who has been adding pro-Russian propaganda since 2019, with cross-project concerns as well&quot;?
::::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:32, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Sure. 
:::::::*I am always speaking as a private individual, I do not speak on behalf of all Stewards. And Stewards are not part of or related to the WMF. We're elected by the community, as you know.
:::::::*Individuals who edit Wikimedia projects are entitled to data privacy. For specifics, please refer to the [[m:Privacy policy|Privacy policy]].
:::::::*Editors of Wikimedia projects are all subject to the same privacy policy.
:::::::*Because I ran a check, and because I am somewhat familiar with this contributor.
:::::::I hope this answers your concerns. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help clarify. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 21:48, 19 April 2022 (UTC)
::::: {{re|Ottawahitech}} (EC) I don't support adding new rules unless there's a problem the new rule would solve. I am grateful to {{u|Ferien}} for blocking the abusive sock and have zero problem with how Ferien did it. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:51, 17 April 2022 (UTC)
::::: So you guys are saying that a conclusion was made that all these accounts are sockpuppets '''without''' a checkuser investigation? In the interest of maintaining transparency and adhering to the Wikimedia standards, all communication based on which this was decided should be made public. - [[User:Emilijaknezevic|Emilija Knezevic]] ([[User talk:Emilijaknezevic|talk]]) 20:40, 18 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::: {{re|Emilijaknezevic}} Nobody said that these blocks were made &quot;without a checkuser investigation.&quot; The checkuser was done, by a steward, on a small set of accounts identified as probable socks. &lt;small&gt;Why did people think they were socks? They repeatedly [[w:WP:IDENTICAL|edited the same articles]], often [[w:WP:OBSART|obscure ones]]. For example, on March 11, LibraryClerk creates a new article [[Hysteria]] and within 24 hours GaneshaSis and WeNotMeC020 [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hysteria&amp;action=history LC edit there]. [[Honduras]] was created by one sock but [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Honduras&amp;action=history edited by 3 others as well].&lt;/small&gt; Checkuser exists to stop people from abusing multiple accounts. This person was abusing multiple accounts for more than a year, and in the process making Wikiquote notably worse. As far as I can tell, nobody other than {{u|Ottawahitech}} has complained about what happened or how it was done. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:55, 18 April 2022 (UTC)
::::::: I understand the interest in transparency. It's important (and ironically, this very thing was a theme with these sockpuppets, who babbled on and on about supposed lack-of-transparency, conspiracies, tails-wagging-dogs, nefarious plans by Global Evil Entities, governments hiding things, etc. etc.) -- however this is the way things go on small wikis that do not have the means to keep their own boards of checkusers, arbitrators, oversighters, and so forth. The bigger the project, the more bureaucratic it becomes. The smaller, the more free of bureaucracy -- and the more vulnerable to abuse. That's what happened here. When someone makes a sockpuppet battalion and gets away with pushing a POV for '''years''' (since 2019) before being caught, that's a ''catastrophe'' for an open project. A visitor to one of our sockpuppet-created pages is going to look at it and laugh -- ''this'' is NPOV? give me a break, they'd say -- for none of those pages were remotely NPOV! The pages screamed of an astroturfing campaign -- the socks pushed and pushed to make basic topics like [[war crimes]] about one thing and one thing only: alleged war crimes committed by one especially hated party.
::::::: As I see it, asking a trusted steward to do a checkuser on a band of screaming obvious socks was an essential and easy way to solve this. How else? Should we have attempted to set up a local checkuser facility first? Maybe so! There may be policy solutions we haven't tried yet. Do we need a global sockpuppet investigation page, on Meta, for smallish projects that don't have their own (i.e. not enwiki, dewiki, etc.)? 
::::::: Open to ideas. I just want to see Wikiquote better defended from POV-pushing campaigns. I think that's probably an important goal for us all. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 22:14, 18 April 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]], you said: '''As I see it, asking a trusted steward to do a checkuser was an essential and easy way to solve this'''
::::::::Are you suggesting that [[User talk:Ferien#Successful RfA|newly-minted]] WQ-admin @[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] did not follow his own advice to 
::::::::&lt;blockquote&gt;People at Wikiquote can request and comment on checkuser requests made at m:SRCU&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::::but instead  privately contacted his fellow simple-wiki-admin [[User:Vermont]] with a request to go on a fishing trip to identify '''a band of screaming obvious socks''' at WQ? 
::::::::Just trying to verify that this is what you said above, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:44, 19 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{re|Ottawahitech}} Actually, it was the other way around. Vermont got in contact with me after noticing that these may be socks and then gave the account names to me to block. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 13:50, 19 April 2022 (UTC)
== GRP returns ==

and is vandalizing [[Deception]], [[September 11 attacks]], [[The Pentagon]], [[Hatred]], and [[User talk:EthanGaming7640]]. Stop him. &lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Trebuchet MS;&quot;&gt;[[m:User:EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#000;&quot;&gt;Ethan&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:EthanGaming7640#top|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#888;&quot;&gt;Gaming&lt;/span&gt;]][[Special:Contribs/EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:red;&quot;&gt;7640&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/span&gt; 13:48, 28 April 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:EthanGaming7640|EthanGaming7640]] Is this in regard to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#GRP_returns] ?
:Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:33, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
== [[m:Requests for comment/Global de-adminship for Jusjih]] ==

A user is requesting to &quot;global de-admin&quot; (sorry I really don't know how likely if this could be happened) {{ping|Jusjih}} which in requestor's claim, has many disruptive and abusive behaviors in several Chinese-language projects and Meta-Wiki, the requestor is also mentioned en.wikiquote here where Jusjih is also an administrator, but didn't say anything else on their en.wikiquote's behaviors. Do any of our adminships that may or may not familiar Jusjih's works know how to resolve it? --[[User:Liuxinyu970226|Liuxinyu970226]] ([[User talk:Liuxinyu970226|talk]]) 05:17, 29 April 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:Liuxinyu970226|Liuxinyu970226]], Thank you so much for bringing this discussion on Meta to the attention of those who read this busy notice-board. It is not often that we are informed by someone who is not a wmf-employee of events happening on other wmf-projects.
:I myself cannot participate on Meta where I am infinitely blocked (I am probably not unique), but I still appreciate being notified since the person being discussed (@Jusjih:) is also a WQ-admin. However, I would like to ask other participants here if it wouldn't be better to post this on the [[wikiquote:Village Pump|Village Pump]] for those who do not read this politics-noticeboard
:Do others here have an opinion they would like to share? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:10, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
:: {{re|Ottawahitech}} you can see the discussion by clicking on section title. There seems to be a dispute in some zh-wikis, where some of their admins complained about Jusijih, also an admin there, using this RfC. The general admin response to the complaint seems to be OFFS, with which I agree. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:22, 5 May 2022 (UTC)
:::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]],
:::Re: you can see the discussion
:::I know I can view the discussions on META. What I cannot do is participate.
:::Re:  RfC, OFFS
:::What do those mean - can you provide a link please
:::Re: [[User:Jusjih]] 
:::Jusijih is not an admin here on Wikiquote, but Jusjih is [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:00, 5 May 2022 (UTC)
:::: Re Jusjih/Jusijih, my bad spelling. RfC = Request for Comment, e.g. [[w:Wikipedia:Requests for comment]]. OFFS = &quot;Oh, for fuck's sake.&quot; I guess [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/FFS FFS] is more common. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:15, 5 May 2022 (UTC)

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== [[m:Requests for comment/Global de-adminship for Jusjih]] ==

A user is requesting to &quot;global de-admin&quot; (sorry I really don't know how likely if this could be happened) {{ping|Jusjih}} which in requestor's claim, has many disruptive and abusive behaviors in several Chinese-language projects and Meta-Wiki, the requestor is also mentioned en.wikiquote here where Jusjih is also an administrator, but didn't say anything else on their en.wikiquote's behaviors. Do any of our adminships that may or may not familiar Jusjih's works know how to resolve it? --[[User:Liuxinyu970226|Liuxinyu970226]] ([[User talk:Liuxinyu970226|talk]]) 05:17, 29 April 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:Liuxinyu970226|Liuxinyu970226]], Thank you so much for bringing this discussion on Meta to the attention of those who read this busy notice-board. It is not often that we are informed by someone who is not a wmf-employee of events happening on other wmf-projects.
:I myself cannot participate on Meta where I am infinitely blocked (I am probably not unique), but I still appreciate being notified since the person being discussed (@Jusjih:) is also a WQ-admin. However, I would like to ask other participants here if it wouldn't be better to post this on the [[wikiquote:Village Pump|Village Pump]] for those who do not read this politics-noticeboard
:Do others here have an opinion they would like to share? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:10, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
:: {{re|Ottawahitech}} you can see the discussion by clicking on section title. There seems to be a dispute in some zh-wikis, where some of their admins complained about Jusijih, also an admin there, using this RfC. The general admin response to the complaint seems to be OFFS, with which I agree. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:22, 5 May 2022 (UTC)
:::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]],
:::Re: you can see the discussion
:::I know I can view the discussions on META. What I cannot do is participate.
:::Re:  RfC, OFFS
:::What do those mean - can you provide a link please
:::Re: [[User:Jusjih]] 
:::Jusijih is not an admin here on Wikiquote, but Jusjih is [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:00, 5 May 2022 (UTC)
:::: Re Jusjih/Jusijih, my bad spelling. RfC = Request for Comment, e.g. [[w:Wikipedia:Requests for comment]]. OFFS = &quot;Oh, for fuck's sake.&quot; I guess [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/FFS FFS] is more common. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:15, 5 May 2022 (UTC)

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== Is having more than one name here really a Felony? ==

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Around two years ago, while reading the rules about wikiquotes/wikimedia,  it was noted that  any editor who uses more than one name, should have a good reason for that.  Apparently &amp; suddenly,  wanting to be anonymous, wanting to keep a low profile,  while sincerely trying to contribute to the project, while avoiding egotism, is in the view of  some admins, NOT a good reason.  If it is in fact a terrible felony, surely  it would help the project if that were  made clear from the start. {{Unsigned2| 17:06, 25 April 2022‎|66.190.126.146}}
: Another data point: A Wikipedia account busily [[w:Special:Contributions/Kalsarimyrkyttäjä| adding links to Wikiquote pages worked on by the socks]] is apparently itself [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Kalsarimyrkytt%C3%A4j%C3%A4 a sock of Risto hot sir]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 20:14, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

::It is very comforting to know your superiors have all the answers, and have got you fixing everything up for everyone. Easier if we don't have to think for ourselves right? You should be warned that you are on the wrong side of history, your side is destined to be defeated. Truth will prevail &amp; all will come out in the wash.  Don't worry though, we don't believe in or tolerate torture or anything that goes against the rule of law. There's still time for you to put down your keyboard and go home. Our karmic records keep running til we learn all the lessons there are to learn &amp; pay all our debts. [[Special:Contributions/24.214.70.31|24.214.70.31]] 22:06, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::: I feel sorry for you, but my goal here is to improve a project I believe in, creating a free compendium of notable quotations attached to their sources. 

::: But if [[Special:Contributions/66.190.126.146]] and [[Special:Contributions/24.214.70.31]] are posting on behalf of a permanently-blocked sock farm, it would be great if someone ACTUALLY stops those IPs from daily harassment here with nonsense edits. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:31, 26 April 2022 (UTC)

:::'''Support''' blocking IP socks evading a block and removing their edits. I know this isn't enwiki, where I have been an admin since 2005, and there are wiki-cultural differences between this small, pleasant project and that big bureaucratic one, but still -- this kinda needs to happen. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 23:41, 26 April 2022 (UTC)

:::: I just [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&amp;curid=114956&amp;diff=3104100&amp;oldid=3104045 reverted vandalism here by another IP] treating this page as a playground [[Special:Contributions/156.210.190.90]]. It's a shame to waste admins' time on such nonsense, especially when we have so few. {{ping|Antandrus}} can we hand you a Wikiquote broom to go with the WP broom? [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:17, 27 April 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] why? or should I just say '''oppose''' without an explanation? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 04:00, 28 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::@[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] -- Do you mean &quot;why do I think block-evading IPs or socks should be blocked&quot; or &quot;why should their edits be removed&quot;? ''If'' that is what you are asking, -- because blocking/banning has no point if we just let people evade their blocks and come back with a different IP address. It's like kicking a burglar out of your house and locking the front door, but leaving the side door open, and treating the returning burglar as a separate problem. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 16:35, 28 April 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Ottawahitech: It's also like a corrupt cop interfering with law abiding citizens because the dirty cop's got a bug up his butt. Just a few hundred years ago some of them were officials of the [[Inquisition|inquisiton]] who burned/executed people at the stake for having the audacity to question their supreme authority. They'll eventually grasp the fact that the old solutions are no longer working.  Til then, it looks like they're hanging on to [[denial]]! Bless their little hearts! [[Special:Contributions/47.48.129.234|47.48.129.234]] 17:57, 28 April 2022 (UTC)
:::::*@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] &amp; others,
::::::Maybe I am just lucky, but I cannot think of any page on WQ where I saw edits by anyone that deserved a block. As far as socks are concerned, I don't really care what status someone has on other wmf-projects if  they are trying to be helpful. Its not like we have an abundance of willing bodies around here. To me every helpful person is precious because they are so few and far between. 
::::::My aim is to build up content, maybe not the way some of the others here want it built but, at least so far, I have not had the same kind of resistance to my &quot;edits&quot; that I  experienced on other wmf-projects. I believe that when one works with volunteers, one cannot order people around (unless you are at enwp :-) I personally find it an annoyance when the many who help me build content here are routinely blocked for some perceived offense. YMMV [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 01:06, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::@[[User:Ottawahitech]] -- I understand what you are saying, and agree with some of your points -- particularly that the community here is small (too small, in my opinion -- wish we could get more Wikiquoters/Wikiquotiens). However that particular person had no conception of [[WQ:NPOV]]. Usually newbies are trainable, and if you point them towards policies like NPOV they'll get it, and become better contributors. Worse, he ran a sockpuppet farm, and there was nothing innocent about it: it was deliberate deception. It's not like he forgot his password and needed to start new accounts now and then for any innocent reason -- those socks were ''designed'' to look like different people (one &quot;JulianVerdadCastro&quot; alleged to speak Spanish, another French, one pretended to be Indian and female, another had a US-military-sounding name, and so forth). That is dishonest, particularly maddening given that the person babbled on and on about &quot;truth&quot;. It's [[w:astroturfing]], to manufacture a false picture of many people supporting a POV. It was ONE PERSON. And he's still here, coming back again and again as IP socks. On enwiki he would have never have succeeded in running his sock campaign for more than two years, but that's what happens on small wikis. I was astounded when I first discovered his &quot;work&quot; -- entire theme pages filled top-to-bottom with OMG THE US IS THE MOST EVIL COUNTRY ON EARTH AND RUSSIA IS INNOCENT rubbish. The more I looked, the worse it got.
:::::::Don't get me wrong on this important thing: we do need some of these quotes, but we cannot fill up entire pages with them. You need balance. NPOV is the core issue in Wikimedia projects, and is non-negotiable (there's a Jimbo quote somewhere about this, and I agree with him). [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:50, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::::@[[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]],  When you say: &quot;that particular person&quot; do you mean [[user:Libraryclerk0191]] who was, if memory serves, determined to be the sock-puppeteer leading a whole slew of other WQ sock-puppets, with the intent to deceive and provide misinformation (or is it disinformation?) to the masses who follow every word ever uttered on WQ? Is this the one who has been filling WQ with &quot;OMG THE US IS THE MOST EVIL COUNTRY ON EARTH AND RUSSIA IS INNOCENT rubbish&quot;?
::::::::More generally for those who, like both of us, agree that NPOV is necessary in order to create a useful resource: how can you achieve this goal when you have a social network (yes, this is what we have here) that silences (not necessarily by intent) those whose views are in the minority? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:23, 7 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::@[[User:Ottawahitech]] As far as I know we're not suppressing the person's ''views'' (yes, it's LibraryClerk). Anyone can add that stuff. He's blocked for sockpuppetting. He happens to have a rather strident extremist POV, which is how we noticed. I just don't see a way out of this one; if you have a sockpuppet policy you have to enforce it. Would WQ be better if we looked the other way and let him carry on? Seriously -- make the case and I'll listen, but I just don't think that's the way to achieve NPOV. We all have to be above-board, honest, and as aware of our own POVs as humanly possible. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 17:08, 7 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::As far as I know WQ does not have a '''sockpuppet policy'''. If we are following someone else's policy,  it is only fair to spell it out, don't you think? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:26, 7 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Interesting - our page on sockpuppetry is marked as an essay, but yet [[Wikiquote:Blocking_policy]] includes sockpuppetry as a reason to be blocked. Would like to hear from some actual admins on this -- maybe an inconsistency that's just never been fixed? [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 17:34, 7 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}}@[[User:Ottawahitech]] The sockmaster edited here for years, and made many good edits as well as bad ones. He wasn't blocked for his POV, or for a few bad edits, however. Suppose he had used those socks to push the opposite POV &quot;OMG RUSSIA IS THE MOST EVIL COUNTRY ON EARTH AND THE US IS INNOCENT.&quot; That would have been equally wrong, and he would have been equally blocked once people caught on. He was using fake identities to pretend wide support for his views and, even worse from a policy POV, he kept on editing after being blocked. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Blocking_policy#CheckUser_blocks Getting unblocked is not impossible], but you have to make the case that you learned from your experience and won't do the same things wrong again. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:57, 4 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] Re: Getting unblocked is not impossible
:Not impossible, but most improbable (sorry I could not resist :-) [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:21, 4 May 2022 (UTC)
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== Inappropriate user name ==

User [[User:CUMCUMCUMui]] has an inappropriate user name. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 20:00, 9 May 2022 (UTC)
== Vandalism ==

on [[Talk:Pope Urban II]]. Page must be deleted. &lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Trebuchet MS;&quot;&gt;[[m:User:EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#000;&quot;&gt;Ethan&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:EthanGaming7640#top|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#888;&quot;&gt;Gaming&lt;/span&gt;]][[Special:Contribs/EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:red;&quot;&gt;7640&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/span&gt; 19:24, 13 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:EthanGaming7640|EthanGaming7640]]: Have you reported this on [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]]. Just curious. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 18:15, 14 May 2022 (UTC)
::I had not. &lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Trebuchet MS;&quot;&gt;[[m:User:EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#000;&quot;&gt;Ethan&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:EthanGaming7640#top|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#888;&quot;&gt;Gaming&lt;/span&gt;]][[Special:Contribs/EthanGaming7640|&lt;span style=&quot;color:red;&quot;&gt;7640&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/span&gt; 23:06, 14 May 2022 (UTC)
:::May I ask why not? Your heading suggests that this post is related to vandalism, is it not? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:33, 15 May 2022 (UTC)
== Trying to post quotes to &quot;Reparations to Slavery&quot; ==

Are you intentionally blocking that page? When i try to post this notice comes up...&quot; This action has been automatically identified as harmful, and therefore disallowed.&lt;BR&gt;Please advise&lt;BR&gt;[[Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244|24.42.166.244]] 02:13, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:Incorrectly flagged as GRP, maybe you used certain keywords? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:51, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::Maybe try creating an account. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 03:53, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:thanks 24.42.166.244, I just happened to see this so will have to keep this in mind and not edit [[RtS]]. There was a fascinating piece on 60-minutes relating to [[slavery]] that I am trying to fit into an existing page, but have not figured out where it fits best [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:17, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
{{outdent}} Can we please get a sock check on [[Special:Contributions/24.214.70.31]], because it looks like the blocked sockpuppeteer doing the same exact stuff as before. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:29, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], Not everyone on this project follows closely everything related to the '''war on Socks'''. Can you be a little more specific: why are you asking for a sock check on 24.42.166.244 who contributed the opening remarks on this thread? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:33, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:: {{re|Ottawahitech}} My comment, posted here on the Admin noticeboard was a request for an admin to take some action. There is no &quot;war on Socks&quot; aside from a wish among many people that the same person &quot;LibaryClerk&quot; who has repeatedly been blocked for making inappropriate edits at Wikiquote should not continue simply by taking a new username or using an IP or an open proxy. There is no crusade to remove that person's good edits or to blank their userpages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:39, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
:::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], the '''war on socks''' has been going on for years, way before I joined WQ. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:08, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
== Account deletion ==

{{Qs|Can you please delete my account and reattribute all edits?}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {DELETION IN PROGRESS} 06:08, 22 May 2022 (UTC)
== Madman in Bulldozer on Aisle Five ==

[[File:Bauhaus Marionette Nachbau Der-Bucklige-Frontal.jpg|thumb|the bulldozer operator?]]
:For anyone interested, it should be noted that &quot;HouseofChange&quot; is wildly pushing his (or a puppetmaster's?) POV. All the quotes bulldozed wrecklessly in bulk carte blanche, over the past couple of months  were ALL approved by the regular Admins here months ago. They made zero objections to the material and are  known to scrutinize everything posted here without delay. Suddenly a very loudmouthed newcomer arrived on the set, has over-ruled the judgement of the other admins, and is very heroically, loudly,  rescuing the entire project  from the diabolical work of a villain who slipped hundreds of quotations &amp; new pages into the system while the all guards were sound asleep? Really??!!  What a mystery.  Maybe the bulldozer operator and a few others, are working for corrupt elements of the U.S. Government, knuckleheads who hate the truth &amp; love censorhip, coverups and their skills in the art of deception [[Information Warfare Community|&quot;information dominance&quot;]]???? What happened?  Does wikipedia give refunds to extremely disappointed donors??  May fearful people quit being afraid. May everyone feel the peace that passes understanding.  May God help us all!
* It would probably be more helpful if you just dryly told us what the problem was instead of trying to be so supremely colorful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:43, 25 April 2022 (UTC)

: He seems pretty neutral to me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:05, 10 May 2022 (UTC)

: (EC) Nobody has called the sockmaster &quot;diabolical&quot; or a &quot;villain.&quot;  I am new here but I have been [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange&amp;dir=prev&amp;target=HouseOfChange active at Wikipedia since 2014]. My edit history is clear and public. And unfortunately for the sockmaster, their combined edit history is also clear and public, although they tried to hide it by caping their views behind multiethnic identities. So LibraryClerk was the same person as GaneshaSis who was the same person as WASPy-sounding WillSeymoreIII. Military-sounding AlphaBravo2022 was the same person as triply-ethnic Alicia-abdula-mcdonald  (she was for a while giving edit summaries in French.) That's deception. And once LibraryClerk got banned but kept right on posting using other accounts, that's abusive sockpuppetry that gets editors blocked, per longtime policy. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:07, 25 April 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], you say that your &quot; edit history is clear and public&quot;. but when I try to use Xtools to look at your contribution history I see &lt;blockquote&gt;This user has not opted in to have this data shown. Please either login to XTools as this user, or create User:HouseOfChange/EditCounterOptIn.js with any content. See the documentation for more information.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Would you pease allow wikiquotiens to see your contributions on this wiki by simply clicking '''Supercount''' at the bottom of your contributions page? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:19, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::: What is public and plain is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/HouseOfChange my contribution history]. (I can see yours and everybody else's that way.) I am not sure what privacy rights I'd be giving away by opting into making my edit counts public, so I don't plan to do that unless for some very good reason. I made very few edits to Wikiquote until this year, so it shouldn't be hard for people to analyze.  [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::::@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]The analysis of your edits through  Xtools on enwp is available for anyone to see. Are you saying that you trust enwp more than you trust enwq? if so, who is it that you trust less on wikiquote:
::::* Readers
::::* Users
::::* Admins
::::* Visitors from other wmf-projects such as Stewards, Global sysops, swmt members, renamers, etc.
::::* anyone else
::::Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 10:50, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

{{outdent}} I am here to help build WikiQuote, not for drama and personal interactions. I am not interested in continuing this discussion, or any other that doesn't directly bear on WikiQuote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:06, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]], so am I. I  posted my question above because I believe it is very relevant to the health of Wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:49, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

:: I disagree, and I have no intention of 1) changing my settings or 2) replying to your dramatic speculation about what my motivations might be. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:37, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== &quot;LibraryClerk&quot; editing from IP ==

This IP is clearly a new sock of &quot;LibraryClerk&quot;: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/24.42.166.244

Could some admin please block this new sock that is evading LibraryClerk's block? Otherwise Wikiquote will continue to get edits such as [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Corruption&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3118813 this major POV push]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:33, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* I don't see that this account is registered on any project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:35, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
** {{re|GreenMeansGo}} I should have given the full name,  [[Special:Contributions/Libraryclerk0191]]. I don't have a link to the  sockpuppet investigation but the aftermath was discussed [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/037#Comparison_of_privacy_protection_between_Wikiquote_(WQ)_and_the_English_Wikipedia_(ENWP) here]. Apparently {{u|Vermont}} did a checkuser, because it looked as if LC191 was continuing to edit from other usernames.  Then {{u|Ferien}} blocked LC191's sock accounts identified from the sock check, IIUC. Please somebody block this IP who is CLEARLY the same person, from creating new clean-up problems. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:37, 30 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:31, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

== Account deletion ==

I have decided to not delete my account, I would like my User Page undeleted, I will be un-redacting comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) {{Ds|{DELETION IN PROGRESS}}} 04:39, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:29, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Redirect request ==

Can someone please make [[☭]] redirect to [[communism]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] | [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:14, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
: A redirect from what? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott}} From [[☭]] to [[Communism]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:58, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Ah, I see. However, this symbol is on the list of disallowed page titles. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:00, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} That’s why I’m asking for an admin to do it, it exists on Wikipedia. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:01, 3 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Sockpuppet investigation ==

I think [[Special:contribs/221.120.208.175|221.120.208.175]] might be a Sockpuppet of [[User:GHOSTWORKER|GHOSTWORKER]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:03, 4 June 2022 (UTC)

{{Ds|No I donot Know him 221.120.208.175}}

: ??? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Link hijacking ==

Admins, do you check links for hijacking? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

:E.g.? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:36, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
::Like sending a link to malware or some kind of unauthorized Administrator/Bureaucrat action disguised as something else. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

&lt;s&gt;Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle&amp;oldid=3111786 this]?&lt;/s&gt; Edit: Done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:01, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== LTA horror decade sock strikes again ==

IP user 2600:387:15:630:0:0:0:8 is a LTA talk page vandal sock. [[User:Dronebogus|Dronebogus]] ([[User talk:Dronebogus|talk]]) 01:49, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:56, 8 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (2) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3115216&amp;diffmode=source this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:10, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:25, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request (3) ==

Could someone please revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_Smith&amp;oldid=3110155 this]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:04, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} Revdel should be reserved for particularly egregious material (doxxing, linking to spam, personal insults) and this edit is not that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

== Edit filter ==

{{ping|koavf}} Could you add &quot;VVKLOSER&quot; to the Edit Filter? (it's commonly used by GRP) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} {{u|Ferien}} Do you want to do this? You have a filter for this abuser and I think you could incorporate it into that one. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::{{u|Koavf}}, yep, I'll take a look at that now, probably not too difficult to do. The filter itself is mainly a copy of simplewiki's as his behaviour is almost identical here. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:24, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:28, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well it doesn’t seem to be working: VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER VVKLOSER. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:43, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Page protection may be needed ==

[[Bubble Guppies]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes, page protection may be needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:32, 14 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also the same keeps happening with [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 00:43, 15 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also with [[Yo Gabba Gabba]]‎ and to a lesser extent [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:56, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

== Requested move ==

Can an admin move [[Zork Grand Inquisitor]] to [[Zork: Grand Inquisitor]], over the current redirect? Cheers, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 00:47, 17 June 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 05:41, 17 June 2022 (UTC)

== Protected move request ==

Could the pages [[Template:Test4]] and [[Template:Test4im]] be swapped? They seem to be the reverse of what they should be (also to be consistent with Wikipedia). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could someone revdel [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User:SHUMBH&amp;oldid=3133965 this] edit summary? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:12, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Archive.is ==

Can we add archive.is to the abuse filter? Or whatever domain they're using now. It is commonly abused by GRP and I see no real use of it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:45, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! ==

The page [[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]] is being repeatedly recreated with no quotes. I think page protection is needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:22, 5 July 2022 (UTC)
:Already done - my first step was to protect it from IP edits...if it continues, will take further steps. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:23, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

::Ok, thank you {{u|UDScott}}. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:32, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request for Importer ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
@[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt;@$[[Special:ListUsers/sysop|AllAdministrators]]: (pinging because the admins don’t seem to check this page often)

I regularly need to import pages from Wikipedia and other wikis, so I am requesting the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right to make this process much easier, provide better attribution, and to allow the reversal, modification, and viewing of pre-import revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:As pointed out on my talk, a bureaucrat will need to actually do this. Have you done importing before? Are you willing to do the cleanup necessary (e.g. when there are redlinks)? Can you give an idea of what you'd want to import, as the content pages from Wikipedia will not always be relevant here (tho some of them would be, as there are articles tagged with quotation sections that should be imported)? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Yes, I have imported hundreds of templates (properly). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:32, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I cannot recall any other requests for this right in the past - and it appears that this can actually only be done by a steward. Per the [[w:Wikipedia:User_access_levels#Importers_and_transwiki_importers|relevant page on WP]], &quot;This access is highly restricted and is only available for assignment to a limited number of very trusted users by stewards following a special community approval discussion.&quot; I don't think that you wishing to have it to make some tasks easier qualifies. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:37, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} I am very confused. The option is available already to admins, so why do I need to be more trusted to get a lower-level user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I just quoted what I read on the subject (as I had to look into it, having never received such a request before) - take it up with a steward if you have an issue, as it does not appear I could grant it to you even if I wanted to. As to your question - admins already go through a special community approval process in order to become admins. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 22:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}} So, admins can be appointed by bureaucrats, but importers have to be appointed by stewards. If so, then why do you have to go through a far-more thorough appointing process to get a lesser user right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I don't see that it is any more thorough than that for admins. In both cases, a community discussion is required, it's just different roles that actually grant the permission after said discussion. I'm also not really inclined to say that importing is really a lesser user right - it could certainly be abused in the wrong hands. I am not saying you would abuse it, but I can see why it is not so easily granted. I do still have some reluctance to grant you additional rights anyway, as I still do not understand all that you are trying to do here, and I still maintain that much of your template work is redundant and wasted and steamrolls existing templates already in use. You demonstrate an impatience that in my mind is not compatible with someone with advanced user rights on the site. By the way, you're asking these questions to me as if I was the author of the cited policies - I am not. And I have no idea why any of this was set up this way (other than to be judicious in granting such rights, as I mentioned already). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, my point is not that is or is not a &quot;lesser right&quot;, but that it is not a greater right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Report concerning Achim110 ==

{{U|Achim110}} is making some weird edits. On [[Wikidata]], {{GENDER:Achim110|he|she|they}} [[Special:Diff/3125691/3141310|replaced the Wikidata logo with a (nonexistent) Wikinews logo]], with several other nonsensical logo edits in between. Some of their other page creations seem to be random copy+pasted “administrative” wikitext; at [[Keir Graff]], they’ve created a purported block review by [[User:Keir Graff]] (whose user page Achim also created, and who also isn’t blocked on English Wikiquote as far as I can tell). Can someone check what’s going on? [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 14:29, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
: This user has been permanently blocked, and a mass deletion of all pages created by the account performed. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
== Edit war ==

There has been an ongoing edit war on [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2]] on whether &quot;Shadow&quot;'s eyes are orange or red. Can this be sorted out? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:05, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done|Solved}} '''&lt;sup&gt;(Hopefully)&lt;/sup&gt;''' by [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:14, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
== Crosswiki spammer ==

On the [[:Education in India]] page, please hide the two edits immediately prior to my edit. They contain a spam link being pushed across numerous wikis. Cheers. ['''[[:User:Cromium|&lt;sub&gt;24&lt;/sub&gt;Cr]]''']['''[[:User talk:Cromium|talk]]'''] 12:40, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:53, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
== Broken links in contributions page ==

also, while I'm here, the SUL info link in [[MediaWiki:Sp-contributions-footer]] leads to a deleted tool, and the &quot;supercount&quot; tool has been renamed to xtools and moved to a different domain. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:03, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Sorry, you seem to have gotten that back to front. The link you removed still works, but it now redirects you to a different site because it was replaced by a new tool. The one that is broken without replacement is the &quot;SUL info&quot; link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 10:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::done}} Whoopsie daisy. Thanks.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
== Salt a page title for use in documentation ==

Hello,

I'm planning on re-writing {{tl|redlink}} at some point in the next few days to make the implementation of this template a bit more sensible. As part of that I'd like to set it up so it creates links to a salted page title, rather than a random subpage of the template. Would someone be willing to creation protect a title for this purpose? Something like [[Wikiquote:redlink example]] would work well. I know from experience if you use an unprotected redlink in documentation someone is just going to create the page. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:19, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:26, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to move some templates ==

Hello, I'm working through some template clean-up and have found some pages that I think should be moved. In addition can whoever moves them delete or supress any resulting redirects, as they will not be helpful.

Firstly, can someone please remove the admin level protection from [[Template:error]] and move [[Template:error2]] to this title? There's no real reason for this template to have a number in its title except to get around the page salting (which seems to have been a bit of an overkill response for a single piece of IP vandalism).

Secondly can someone make the following moves, deleting any redirects:
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd2}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd2}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd3}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd3}}
*{{tl|Template:Uw-afd4}} → {{tl|Template:Uw-vfd4}}
Because there is no such thing as &quot;articles for deletion&quot; on this project. There are no current usages of these templates, so no real need to leave a redirect. I cleaned up the text of these templates a few days ago, but the title still needs to be changed.

Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:31, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} (all four move requests). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:44, 26 July 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>2rudo6run51s2nxs0usn6wmafuugnkq</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Lake Como</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>237655</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153371</id>
      <parentid>3147962</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T21:57:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>31.190.252.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13014" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Poster Lake Como Luxury, 1930.png|thumb|Lierna Lake Como, 1930]]
[[File:Angela Londonio, Castello del Lago di Como, olio su tela, cm 59X44, 1927.png|thumb|Castle of Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Lago visto dal sentiero del viandante - panoramio.jpg|thumb|View of Lake Como over Bellagio, from Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Poster Lake Como, 1900.png|thumb|Lake Como, 1900]]

[[w:Lake Como|'''Lake Como''']] is a [[w:glacial lake|lake of glacial origin]] in [[w:Lombardy|Lombardy]], [[Italy]]. It has an area of 146 square kilometres (56 sq mi), making it the third-largest lake in Italy, after [[w:Lake Garda|Lake Garda]] and [[w:Lake Maggiore|Lake Maggiore]]. At over 400 metres (1,300 ft) deep, it is the fifth deepest lake in Europe, and the deepest outside Norway; the bottom of the lake is more than 200 metres (660 ft) below sea level.

{{Geography-stub}}
==Quotes==
* And dimly seen, a tangled mass. Of Walls and woods of light and shade. Stands beckoning up the Stelvio pass [[Varenna Lake Como|Varenna]], with its white cascade. I ask myself is this a dream? Will it all vanish into air? Is there a land of such supreme. And perfect beauty anywhere! Sweet vision! Do not fade away; Linger until my heart shall take- Into itself the Summer day And all the beauty of the lake.
**[[w:Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] editor, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''[[w:Poems of places|Poems of places]], Cadenabbia'' (1872)
* Coming back here often (on Lake Como) is like a drop of poison; it makes you want to never leave. ([[Stendhal]])
** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
*In the past, the rich bought houses and villas only on the hills of Lake Como, as Pliny did with [[Villa Commedia]], in order not to lose their sight and to avoid flooding. &quot;The poor went to the shore to have the water lick their feet&quot;.
** In passato i ricchi compravano le case e le ville solo sulle colline del Lago di Como, come fece Plinio con villa Commedia, per non perdersi la vista e per non avere allagamenti. &quot;In riva a farsi lambire i piedi dall'acqua ci andavano i poveri&quot;.
*** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
* Everything is noble and delicate (on Lake Como), everything speaks of love, nothing recalls the ugliness of civilization. The villages located halfway up the coast are hidden by trees, and above the tops of the trees rises the graceful architecture of their slender bell towers. If some small field, fifty paces wide, occasionally interrupts the &quot;bouquets&quot; of chestnut and wild cherry trees, the satisfied eye sees plants growing happier and more vigorous than elsewhere. Beyond these hills, whose peaks offer hermitages that we would all like to inhabit, the amazed eye discovers the peaks of the Alps, always covered with snow, and their sublime austerity reminds him of the misfortunes of life, and this increases the voluptuousness. of the present hour. The imagination is moved by the distant sound of the bell of some tiny village hidden under the trees; and the sounds carried on the waters, which soften them, take on a color of sweet melancholy and resignation, and seem to say to man: Life is fleeing, so do not show yourself so reluctant towards the happiness that presents itself, hurry to enjoy. The language of these enchanting places, which have no equal in the world, restored her sixteen-year-old heart to the Countess. 
** [[w:Stendhal|Stendhal]], La Chartreuse de Parme, 1839
* I want to go back to Lake Como !! 
**[[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]], [https://www.dagospia.com/rubrica-2/media_e_tv/quot-io-te-ci-siamo-presi-pugni-finora-stiamo-qua-coccolare-291244.htm], ''He cryed like a monkey: &quot;I want to return to Lake Como&quot;'', Dagospia, 30 november 2021
* It is [[Lierna]] that ennobles the whole of Lake Como. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Cited in Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145].
* I was convinced that Lake Como was a large basin of water similar to the Tahoe, also surrounded by immense mountains whose slopes reach the shores, but here the lake is not a basin, since the banks are articulated like those of a stream and is a quarter or two thirds wide of the Mississippi. Along the coast there is not a single strip of flat land, but endless chains of mountains which suddenly emerge from the lake surface and rise towards the sky for one hundred or two hundred feet, constantly varying in shape. The rocky ridges are covered with numerous plant species and dotted with white villas that peek through lush foliage. Even on the top of the promontory we saw pretty little houses perched on picturesque pinnacles, more than a thousand feet above our heads.
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* In the past, on Lake Como, the rich only bought villas on the hills or high rocks of Lake Como, as Pliny did with Villa Commedia, in order not to lose sight and not to have flooding. The poor go to the shore to let the water lick your feet.
** [[w:Giorgio Gandola|Giorgio Gandola]], &quot;Lake Como&quot;, Il Giornale, 7 March 2008
* It is my first trip here on [[Lake Como]] [...] A fantastic place.
** [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]] cited in Instagram in Massimo Moscadi ''[https://www.espansionetv.it/2022/08/05/paris-hilton-lago-di-como-fantastico/  Paris Hilton: “Lago di Como fantastico&quot;]'', ''Espansione TV'', 5 August 2022
* Lake Como? One of my favorite places.
** [[w:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]], Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.laprovinciadilecco.it/stories/premium/Cronaca/lady-gaga-il-lago-di-como-uno-dei-miei-posti-preferito_1432704_11/ Lady Gaga: «Il lago di Como? Uno dei miei posti preferiti»]'', ''La Provincia di Lecco'', 7 june 2022.
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como It's like [[Monte Carlo]]! ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in ''[http://www.tgcom24.mediaset.it/people/articoli/articolo314696.shtml Clooney cerca casa nel lecchese]'', ''Tgcom24.Mediaset.it'', 17 june 2006.
*The secret of happiness? I understood this by buying a house on Lake Como. At first I was thinking of an investment. Then, when I saw the workers who worked there, singing and drinking good wine, I realized they were better off than me. For 25 years I have eaten standing up and running. They took the time of their lunch break and went home thinking about dinner. ([[George Clooney]])
** From the interview given to ''Oggi'', reported in ''[https://www.ilgiorno.it/cronaca/george-clooney-1.3520110 George Clooney, il segreto della felicità? &quot;L'ho capito comprando casa sul lago di Como]'', ''ilgiorno.it'', 8 november 2017
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como favorite land ([[Pliny the Younger]])
** From [https://books.google.it/books?id=XKUXXGuQoxEC&amp;q=Plinio+Lierna&amp;dq=Plinio+Lierna&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwib3uW9qMDTAhUlLcAKHZxuBIkQ6AEILzAC]'', Bollettino della Società geologica italiana, Volume 30, Società geologica italiana, 1911
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como which makes everything noble. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145]
* That there is a God, when you look at the sky of Lake Como, is evident. ([[Robin Williams]])
** Cited in Sara Bovi, ''[http://viaggi.corriere.it/viaggi/weekend/cinema-lago-como/?refresh_ce-cp Sul Lago di Como, come in un film]'', ''Viaggi.Corriere.it'', 5 december 2013.
* The other night the view appeared even more surprising and picturesque. On the other side (of Lake Como) cliffs, trees and very white houses reflected their perfectly clear images on the lake and long beams of light, coming from distant windows, marked the motionless surface. Immediately next to it, great silver mansions under the moon shone among a thick dark and shapeless foliage, among the shadows that fell from the top of the cliffs and touched the lake edge where every stretch of the magical vision was reflected several times and with precision. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872
:[...] at eventide when everything seems to slumber , and the music of the vesper bells comes stealing over the water, one almost believes that nowhere else than on the Lake of Como can there be found such a paradise of tranquil repose.&lt;br&gt;From my window here in {{sic|Bellagio}} I have a view of the other side of the lake now, which is as beautiful as a picture. A scarred and wrinkled precipice rise to a height of eighteen hundred feets; on a tiny bench half way up its vast wall, sits a little snow-flake of a church, no bigger than a martin-box apparently; skirting the base of the cliff are a hundred orange groves and gardens, flecked with glimpses of white dwelling that are buried in them; in front three or four gondolas lie idle upon the water – and in the burnished mirror of the lake, mountain, chapel, houses, groves, and boats are counterfeited so brightly and so clearly, that one scarce knows where the reality leaves off and the reflection begins!.
**[[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872, [https://books.google.it/books?id=EQsCAAAAQAAJ&amp;dq=&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 149]
*Lake Como [...] is not like [[Lake Geneva]] surrounded by large fields well delimited and cultivated with the best systems, which suggest money and speculation. Here, wherever I turn, I see hills of unequal altitudes clothed with trees planted at will that the hand of man has not yet damaged and forced to bear fruit. Among these hills with admirable lines that plummet towards the lake for so singular steep slopes [...]. Everything here nobly, exquisitely speaks of love, there is nothing that reminds you of the ugliness of civilization. Halfway up the hill, hidden by large trees, the hamlets nestle and beyond the tree tops the architectural vagueness of their bell towers rises. If some small field intrudes here and there in the groups of chestnut and cherry trees, the plants seem happily to grow more vigorous than elsewhere and the gaze rests happy. And beyond the hills, whose summits offer hermitages that everyone would gladly inhabit, the astonished eye catches sight of the perpetual snow white of the peaks of the Alps which in their solemn austerity remind him just as much of the adversities of life, as much as it is enough to value the present well-being. The sound of the bell of a distant village lost in the woods stimulates the imagination: the notes flow on the water, fading in a tone of resigned melancholy and seem to say to man: life is fleeing, do not resist the happiness that comes towards you [...] hurry to enjoy it.
**[[Stendhal]], ''La Chartreuse de Parme'', 1839
* The house in Italy (on Lake Como) has changed me. I spend the summer there normally, not the latter. I was always running, I learned to slow down. Observing them after a day of work, sitting at the table, a good wine, chat, friends, they are people who enjoy life, know how to celebrate it. ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.corriere.it/spettacoli/20_ottobre_07/george-clooney-grazie-italiani-ho-imparato-godermi-vita-8cdd980c-08c4-11eb-ab0e-c425b38361b4.shtml «George Clooney: Grazie agli italiani, ho imparato a godermi la vita»»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 october 2020. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* When you write the story of two happy lovers, place them on the shores of Lake Como. I do not know a district more manifestly blessed by heaven; I've never seen another where the charms of a life of love would seem more natural [...] and start it with these words: &quot;On the shores of Lake Como.&quot;
** ''[[w:Frank Liszt|Frank Liszt]], From the letter to Louis de Ronchaud dated 20 September 1837
* You, Lario (Lake Como) very great. ([[Virgil]])
** Te, Lario, più grande di tutti
*** [[Virgil]], Poem Georgiche II, 136-176, [https://online.scuola.zanichelli.it/perutelliletteratura/files/2010/04/traduzioni_virgilio_t8.pdf v. 155, 1st century BC]
* Who that looks on these tawny hills | Cradling calm day new-born, | Who that sips mead from Como’s stills | This fragrant, sun-bathed morn, Will, bating reverende, record | Fair Como’s wrathful, ways, | And wont only ungrateful, hoard | The tale of her «bade days’?» | To day her ripples play bo-peep, | And dimple at the rocks | Lack in melodious mimicry | A sounding billow mocks.
**[[w:Jean Carlyle Graham|Jean Carlyle Graham]] poet, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''Varenna''  To Italy. Odes et episodes 1927. Stab. di arti Grafiche Lazzeri. Siena.

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Lakes]]
[[Category:Italy]]</text>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
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      <text bytes="13010" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Poster Lake Como Luxury, 1930.png|thumb|Lierna Lake Como, 1930]]
[[File:Angela Londonio, Castello del Lago di Como, olio su tela, cm 59X44, 1927.png|thumb|Castle of Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Lago visto dal sentiero del viandante - panoramio.jpg|thumb|View of Lake Como over Bellagio, from Lierna Lake Como]]
[[File:Poster Lake Como, 1900.png|thumb|Lake Como, 1900]]

[[w:Lake Como|'''Lake Como''']] is a [[w:glacial lake|lake of glacial origin]] in [[w:Lombardy|Lombardy]], [[Italy]]. It has an area of 146 square kilometres (56 sq mi), making it the third-largest lake in Italy, after [[w:Lake Garda|Lake Garda]] and [[w:Lake Maggiore|Lake Maggiore]]. At over 400 metres (1,300 ft) deep, it is the fifth deepest lake in Europe, and the deepest outside Norway; the bottom of the lake is more than 200 metres (660 ft) below sea level.

{{Geography-stub}}
==Quotes==
* And dimly seen, a tangled mass. Of Walls and woods of light and shade. Stands beckoning up the Stelvio pass [[Varenna Lake Como|Varenna]], with its white cascade. I ask myself is this a dream? Will it all vanish into air? Is there a land of such supreme. And perfect beauty anywhere! Sweet vision! Do not fade away; Linger until my heart shall take- Into itself the Summer day And all the beauty of the lake.
**[[w:Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] editor, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''[[w:Poems of places|Poems of places]], Cadenabbia'' (1872)
* Coming back here often (on Lake Como) is like a drop of poison; it makes you want to never leave. ([[Stendhal]])
** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
*In the past, the rich bought houses and villas only on the hills of Lake Como, as Pliny did with [[Villa Commedia]], in order not to lose their sight and to avoid flooding. &quot;The poor went to the shore to have the water lick their feet&quot;.
** In passato i ricchi compravano le case e le ville solo sulle colline del Lago di Como, come fece Plinio con villa Commedia, per non perdersi la vista e per non avere allagamenti. &quot;In riva a farsi lambire i piedi dall'acqua ci andavano i poveri&quot;.
*** [https://amp.ilgiornale.it/news/c-hollywood-sul-lago-como.html Il Giornale, Giorgia Gandola, 7 march 2008]
* Everything is noble and delicate (on Lake Como), everything speaks of love, nothing recalls the ugliness of civilization. The villages located halfway up the coast are hidden by trees, and above the tops of the trees rises the graceful architecture of their slender bell towers. If some small field, fifty paces wide, occasionally interrupts the &quot;bouquets&quot; of chestnut and wild cherry trees, the satisfied eye sees plants growing happier and more vigorous than elsewhere. Beyond these hills, whose peaks offer hermitages that we would all like to inhabit, the amazed eye discovers the peaks of the Alps, always covered with snow, and their sublime austerity reminds him of the misfortunes of life, and this increases the voluptuousness. of the present hour. The imagination is moved by the distant sound of the bell of some tiny village hidden under the trees; and the sounds carried on the waters, which soften them, take on a color of sweet melancholy and resignation, and seem to say to man: Life is fleeing, so do not show yourself so reluctant towards the happiness that presents itself, hurry to enjoy. The language of these enchanting places, which have no equal in the world, restored her sixteen-year-old heart to the Countess. 
** [[w:Stendhal|Stendhal]], La Chartreuse de Parme, 1839
* I want to go back to Lake Como !! 
**[[w:Daniel Craig|Daniel Craig]], [https://www.dagospia.com/rubrica-2/media_e_tv/quot-io-te-ci-siamo-presi-pugni-finora-stiamo-qua-coccolare-291244.htm], ''He cryed like a monkey: &quot;I want to return to Lake Como&quot;'', Dagospia, 30 november 2021
* It is [[Lierna]] that ennobles the whole of Lake Como. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Cited in Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145].
* I was convinced that Lake Como was a large basin of water similar to the Tahoe, also surrounded by immense mountains whose slopes reach the shores, but here the lake is not a basin, since the banks are articulated like those of a stream and is a quarter or two thirds wide of the Mississippi. Along the coast there is not a single strip of flat land, but endless chains of mountains which suddenly emerge from the lake surface and rise towards the sky for one hundred or two hundred feet, constantly varying in shape. The rocky ridges are covered with numerous plant species and dotted with white villas that peek through lush foliage. Even on the top of the promontory we saw pretty little houses perched on picturesque pinnacles, more than a thousand feet above our heads.
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* In the past, on Lake Como, the rich only bought villas on the hills or high rocks of Lake Como, as Pliny did with Villa Commedia, in order not to lose sight and not to have flooding. The poor go to the shore to let the water lick your feet.
** [[w:Giorgio Gandola|Giorgio Gandola]], &quot;Lake Como&quot;, Il Giornale, 7 March 2008
* It is my first trip here on Lake Como [...] A fantastic place.
** [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]] cited in Instagram in Massimo Moscadi ''[https://www.espansionetv.it/2022/08/05/paris-hilton-lago-di-como-fantastico/  Paris Hilton: “Lago di Como fantastico&quot;]'', ''Espansione TV'', 5 August 2022
* Lake Como? One of my favorite places.
** [[w:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]], Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.laprovinciadilecco.it/stories/premium/Cronaca/lady-gaga-il-lago-di-como-uno-dei-miei-posti-preferito_1432704_11/ Lady Gaga: «Il lago di Como? Uno dei miei posti preferiti»]'', ''La Provincia di Lecco'', 7 june 2022.
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como It's like [[Monte Carlo]]! ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in ''[http://www.tgcom24.mediaset.it/people/articoli/articolo314696.shtml Clooney cerca casa nel lecchese]'', ''Tgcom24.Mediaset.it'', 17 june 2006.
*The secret of happiness? I understood this by buying a house on Lake Como. At first I was thinking of an investment. Then, when I saw the workers who worked there, singing and drinking good wine, I realized they were better off than me. For 25 years I have eaten standing up and running. They took the time of their lunch break and went home thinking about dinner. ([[George Clooney]])
** From the interview given to ''Oggi'', reported in ''[https://www.ilgiorno.it/cronaca/george-clooney-1.3520110 George Clooney, il segreto della felicità? &quot;L'ho capito comprando casa sul lago di Como]'', ''ilgiorno.it'', 8 november 2017
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como favorite land ([[Pliny the Younger]])
** From [https://books.google.it/books?id=XKUXXGuQoxEC&amp;q=Plinio+Lierna&amp;dq=Plinio+Lierna&amp;hl=it&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwib3uW9qMDTAhUlLcAKHZxuBIkQ6AEILzAC]'', Bollettino della Società geologica italiana, Volume 30, Società geologica italiana, 1911
* [[Lierna]] Lake Como which makes everything noble. ([[Sigismondo Boldoni]])
** Maurizio Monti, ''Storia antica di Como'', vol. 1, Società tipografica de' classici italiani, 1860, [https://books.google.it/books?id=4mo5AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA145 p. 145]
* That there is a God, when you look at the sky of Lake Como, is evident. ([[Robin Williams]])
** Cited in Sara Bovi, ''[http://viaggi.corriere.it/viaggi/weekend/cinema-lago-como/?refresh_ce-cp Sul Lago di Como, come in un film]'', ''Viaggi.Corriere.it'', 5 december 2013.
* The other night the view appeared even more surprising and picturesque. On the other side (of Lake Como) cliffs, trees and very white houses reflected their perfectly clear images on the lake and long beams of light, coming from distant windows, marked the motionless surface. Immediately next to it, great silver mansions under the moon shone among a thick dark and shapeless foliage, among the shadows that fell from the top of the cliffs and touched the lake edge where every stretch of the magical vision was reflected several times and with precision. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872
:[...] at eventide when everything seems to slumber , and the music of the vesper bells comes stealing over the water, one almost believes that nowhere else than on the Lake of Como can there be found such a paradise of tranquil repose.&lt;br&gt;From my window here in {{sic|Bellagio}} I have a view of the other side of the lake now, which is as beautiful as a picture. A scarred and wrinkled precipice rise to a height of eighteen hundred feets; on a tiny bench half way up its vast wall, sits a little snow-flake of a church, no bigger than a martin-box apparently; skirting the base of the cliff are a hundred orange groves and gardens, flecked with glimpses of white dwelling that are buried in them; in front three or four gondolas lie idle upon the water – and in the burnished mirror of the lake, mountain, chapel, houses, groves, and boats are counterfeited so brightly and so clearly, that one scarce knows where the reality leaves off and the reflection begins!.
**[[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], Cites in ''The innocents abroad'', John Camden Hotten, Londra, 1872, [https://books.google.it/books?id=EQsCAAAAQAAJ&amp;dq=&amp;pg=PA149#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 149]
*Lake Como [...] is not like [[Lake Geneva]] surrounded by large fields well delimited and cultivated with the best systems, which suggest money and speculation. Here, wherever I turn, I see hills of unequal altitudes clothed with trees planted at will that the hand of man has not yet damaged and forced to bear fruit. Among these hills with admirable lines that plummet towards the lake for so singular steep slopes [...]. Everything here nobly, exquisitely speaks of love, there is nothing that reminds you of the ugliness of civilization. Halfway up the hill, hidden by large trees, the hamlets nestle and beyond the tree tops the architectural vagueness of their bell towers rises. If some small field intrudes here and there in the groups of chestnut and cherry trees, the plants seem happily to grow more vigorous than elsewhere and the gaze rests happy. And beyond the hills, whose summits offer hermitages that everyone would gladly inhabit, the astonished eye catches sight of the perpetual snow white of the peaks of the Alps which in their solemn austerity remind him just as much of the adversities of life, as much as it is enough to value the present well-being. The sound of the bell of a distant village lost in the woods stimulates the imagination: the notes flow on the water, fading in a tone of resigned melancholy and seem to say to man: life is fleeing, do not resist the happiness that comes towards you [...] hurry to enjoy it.
**[[Stendhal]], ''La Chartreuse de Parme'', 1839
* The house in Italy (on Lake Como) has changed me. I spend the summer there normally, not the latter. I was always running, I learned to slow down. Observing them after a day of work, sitting at the table, a good wine, chat, friends, they are people who enjoy life, know how to celebrate it. ([[George Clooney]])
** Cited in Grassi Giovanna, ''[https://www.corriere.it/spettacoli/20_ottobre_07/george-clooney-grazie-italiani-ho-imparato-godermi-vita-8cdd980c-08c4-11eb-ab0e-c425b38361b4.shtml «George Clooney: Grazie agli italiani, ho imparato a godermi la vita»»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 october 2020. 
** [[w:Mark Twain|Mark Twain]], &quot;The innocents abroad&quot;, New York, 1896
* When you write the story of two happy lovers, place them on the shores of Lake Como. I do not know a district more manifestly blessed by heaven; I've never seen another where the charms of a life of love would seem more natural [...] and start it with these words: &quot;On the shores of Lake Como.&quot;
** ''[[w:Frank Liszt|Frank Liszt]], From the letter to Louis de Ronchaud dated 20 September 1837
* You, Lario (Lake Como) very great. ([[Virgil]])
** Te, Lario, più grande di tutti
*** [[Virgil]], Poem Georgiche II, 136-176, [https://online.scuola.zanichelli.it/perutelliletteratura/files/2010/04/traduzioni_virgilio_t8.pdf v. 155, 1st century BC]
* Who that looks on these tawny hills | Cradling calm day new-born, | Who that sips mead from Como’s stills | This fragrant, sun-bathed morn, Will, bating reverende, record | Fair Como’s wrathful, ways, | And wont only ungrateful, hoard | The tale of her «bade days’?» | To day her ripples play bo-peep, | And dimple at the rocks | Lack in melodious mimicry | A sounding billow mocks.
**[[w:Jean Carlyle Graham|Jean Carlyle Graham]] poet, [https://it.wikisource.org/wiki/Pagina:Vittorio_Adami,_Varenna_e_Monte_di_Varenna_(1927).djvu/393], ''Varenna''  To Italy. Odes et episodes 1927. Stab. di arti Grafiche Lazzeri. Siena.

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Lakes]]
[[Category:Italy]]</text>
      <sha1>olp8u7lec2va8wdotr18cwz5gwoa212</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Casagrandes/Season 3</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <id>3153227</id>
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        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
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      <comment>/* Silent Fight (14.2) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos... ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' ...'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut!
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look.

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''.

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]''
:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:44:48Z</timestamp>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos... ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' ...'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut!
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look.

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''.

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]''
:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3153248</id>
      <parentid>3153247</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:45:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
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----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, mistaking him for Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, mistaking him for Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos... ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' ...'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut!
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look.

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''.

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]''
:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>2v8j1tr0vubangdadce1mqax6q76bw3</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153249</id>
      <parentid>3153248</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T16:46:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Perro Malo (8.2) */</comment>
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----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos... ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' ...'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut!
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look.

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''.

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]''
:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3153375</id>
      <parentid>3153249</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-10T22:07:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:81:C400:D200:A16A:BEF0:73FF:FF99</ip>
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      <comment>/* Silent Fight (14.2) */</comment>
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----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he is Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he is Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ, breaking up their fighting]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos... ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' ...'''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free haircut!
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free shoes! ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look.

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts, no moms. Go to your room, and I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''.

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:''[Vito and Robbie are eliminated after Robbie failed to make a slam dunk in the hoop]''
:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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        <id>3078761</id>
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    <title>The Loud House/Season 6</title>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Double Trouble (2.2) */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of young Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==''Episode 1''==

===''Present Danger (1.1)''===
:'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table.
:'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots!
:'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for…
:'''Rita''': Presents!
:'''Lincoln''': Yes!
:'''Liam''': Wahoo!
:'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele.
:'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]''
:'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Room for one more?
:'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table.
:'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]''
:'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets.
:'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us?
:'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky?
:'''Chandler''': You're on!

===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''===
:'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range.
:'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots!
:'''Luan''': Aww.
:''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]''

==''Episode 2''==

===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde?
:'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something?
:'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night…
:''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]''
:'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses.
:'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello?
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world.
:'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry-
:'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in.
:''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]''
:'''Zach''': So, what happened?
:'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy!
:'''Stella''': Yeah!
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah!
:'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong?
:'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]''
:'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada.
:'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me.
:'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in.
:'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you.
:'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please?
:'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together.
:'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me?
:'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]''
:'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking?
:'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette.
:'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time?
:'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]''
:'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please!
:'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down.

===''Double Trouble (2.2)''===
:''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]''
:'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat?
:'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip?
:'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]''
:'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]''
:'''Lola''': Ugh.
:'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here?
:'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger.
:'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human!
:'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here.
:'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel.
:'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl…
:'''Meryl''': And Meryl…
:'''Both''': Have arrived!
:'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot;
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started!

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:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified!
:'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what?
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united.

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:''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]''
:'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]''
:'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers!
:'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right?
:'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins!
:'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight?
:'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them.
:''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]''
:'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl.
:'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar.
:'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with &quot;sugar.&quot;
:'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl?
:'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot; They even double-date with their boyfriends.
:'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that.

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:'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor!
:'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it!
:''[They growl angrily at each other]''
:'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer.
:'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh!

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:'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl.
:'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister.
:'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar.
:'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees.
:'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]''
:'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; without me.
:'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this?
:'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown.
:'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch.
:''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; finale without me?
:'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to.
:'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that!
:'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?!
:'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits!
:'''Meryl''': How dare you?!
:'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]''
:'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]''
:''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]''
:''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon?
:'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it.
:'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler!
:'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops.
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here!
:'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]''

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:'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here?
:'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting.
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]''
:'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together.
:'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion!
:''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]''
:'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees.
:'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail.
:'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your &quot;sister,&quot; Mopes, isn't real.
:'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at?
:'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before?

==''Episode 3''==

===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on?
:''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]''
:'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort?
:'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]''
:''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]''
:'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out.
:'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh.
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts.
:'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene.
:'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion.
:'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette.
:'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation.
:'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy.
:'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]''
:'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants?
:'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo.

===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''===
:'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops?
:'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend.
:'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders.
:'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap!
:''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter?
:'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪
:'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]''
:'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪
:'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me!
:'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here?
:'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund!
:'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package.
:'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife!
:'''Rodney''': Hmph!
:'''Haiku''': What about an exchange?
:''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]''
:'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about.
:'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat!
:'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly.
:'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you?
:'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; to &quot;Hipster Island&quot;]''
:'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality!&quot;
:'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself.
:''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]''
:'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid &quot;Hipster Island.&quot;
:'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad.
:'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot;, and watch it later.
:'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and--
:'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees.
:'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife?
:'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]''
:'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him.
:'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C.
:'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up.

==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map.
:'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable?
:'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town?
:''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''&quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor&quot;''']''
:'''Lincoln''': Whoa. &quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor?&quot; Thanks, Mayor Davis.
:'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town.
:'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard?
:'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming.
:'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp.
:'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town.
:'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's…
:'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry.
:'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off.
:''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]''
:'''Citizens''': What's happening?!
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?!
:'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it.
:'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?!
:'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad?
:'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume.
:'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.'''
:''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]''
:'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]''
:''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?!
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd?
:'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history.
:'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?!
:'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us.
:'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one.
:'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word &quot;royal&quot; in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this?
:'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum.
:'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''&quot;Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?&quot;''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here!
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make.
:'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you.
:'''Lincoln''': What?!
:'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town!
:'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves.
:'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television.
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD-
:'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday!
:'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.'''
:'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!'''
:''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]''
:'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.'''
:'''Joyce''': Don't touch me.
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved!
:''[Everyone cheers]''
:'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'!
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go.
:'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause…
:'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪
:'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]''
:'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪

==''Episode 5''==

===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''===
:''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it!
:'''Lola''': There he is!
:''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]''
:'''Luna''': Why did you have to tell us about our haters, dude?!
:'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up!
:'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn.
:'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy &quot;Stinkoln&quot;.
:'''Lynn''': Your dumb &quot;cure&quot; ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court!
:'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say.
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it!
:'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters.
:'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone?
:'''Luna''': Totally.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you-
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪
:'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again.
:''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]''
:'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!!

===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''===
:''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]''
:'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking?
:'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat.
:'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: &quot;Butter him up.&quot;
:'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh.
:'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man.
:'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]''
:'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way?
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then.
:''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now.
:''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]''
:''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa.
:'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras.
:'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]''
:'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it!
:'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it.

==''Episode 6''==

===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''===
:''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]''
:'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of &quot;the Malls of the Midwest.&quot; ''[sneezes]''
:'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand.
:'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered.
:'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]''
:'''Leni''': Bye, Dad!
:'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]''
:'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse.
:'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh.
:'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow.

===''All the Rage (6.2)''===
:'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated?
:'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat!
:'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet?
:'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]''
:'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won.

==''Episode 7''==

===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''===
:''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]''
:'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the &quot;poop-etrator.&quot; ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a &quot;dog&quot; with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum!
:''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their &quot;dog&quot;, they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]''
:'''Liam''': What?!
:'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly!
:'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story?
:''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an &quot;old lady&quot; at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]''
:'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown.
:'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this &quot;little old lady&quot; as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, &quot;Mick or Treat.&quot;
:'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop!
:'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM!
:''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. 
:'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza.
:'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]''
:'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no!
:'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was.
:'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?!
:'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; &quot;You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse.&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team.
:'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate.
:'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest.
:'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean?
:'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the &quot;leaker&quot;, or &quot;rat&quot;, is gonna come to her.
:'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation!
:''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]''
:'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish.
:'''Stella''': Roger that.
:'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes?
:'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell?
:'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream.
:''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]''
:'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]''
:'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard.
:'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg!
:'''Liam''': Shh.
:'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh.
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]''
:''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]''
:'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle!
:'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling.
:''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]''
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some &quot;hot news leads&quot;, but they're all fake. We &quot;accidentally&quot; dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the &quot;rat,&quot; she &quot;finds it&quot; and takes it to &quot;the nest.&quot; Any questions? 
:'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. 
:'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]''
:'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it.
:''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]''
:'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team!
:'''Katherine''': Excuse me.
:'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here!
:'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine &quot;Shady Shader&quot; Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' &quot;Passion under the Pompeii Moon?&quot; Uh-oh.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're &quot;uh-oh.&quot; Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here.
:'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading.
:'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team.
:'''Stella''': Please, don't.
:'''Rusty''': No, dawg!
:'''Lincoln''': We're sorry.
:'''Liam''': Give us another chance.
:'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes.
:'''Zach''': Promise.
:'''Lincoln''': We swear.
:'''Rusty''': It was Zach.

===''Eye Can't (7.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here?
:'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles.
:'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]''
:'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week?
:''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and the stair railing]''
:'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[flash to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy.
:'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff.
:''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses.
:'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. 
:'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.'''
:'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist.
:'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.'''
:'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' 
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs.
:'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted.
:'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall.
:'''Lisa''': Fine.

==''Episode 8''==

===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''===
:''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]''
:'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]''
:'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode.
:''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush.
:'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn.
:'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we &quot;Dadn't!&quot;
:'''Kotaro''': Yes we &quot;Dad!&quot; It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play &quot;Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork&quot; with his friends.
:'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad.
:'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all.
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani.

===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''===
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise!
:''[The siblings rush into the living room]''
:'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters…
:'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer.
:'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]''
:'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool.
:'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot.
:'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale.
:'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15!
:'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there?
:'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''&quot;sit-uation.&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture?

==''Episode 9''==

===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''===

===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''===
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend!
:'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off?
:'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off!
:'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there.
:'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again.
:'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''&quot;Driving Miss Hazy&quot;''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]''
:'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme!
:'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't-
:'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]''
:'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two.
:'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus.

==''Episode 10''==

===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''===
:'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows!
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up?
:'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea.
:''[The kids gasp in shock]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, what?
:'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]''
:'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]''
:'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back!
:'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash.
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys?
:'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked!

===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''===
:''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]''
:'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently?
:'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers.

==''Episode 11''==

===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''===
:'''Harold''': Go for Harold?
:'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother.
:'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana!
:'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle!
:'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you?
:'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day?
:''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake, milk fountain, weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on?
:'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday.
:'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday.
:'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up.
:'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it!

===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''===

==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''==
:'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori!
:'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it!
:'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase!
:'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway?
:'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke?
:''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]''
:'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night!
:''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]''
:'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]''
:'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week!
:''[Third flashback]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew.
:'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it!
:''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]''
:'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift!
:'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month!
:''[Back to present]''
:'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year.
:'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it?
:'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift.
:'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house.
:'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions?
:'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum?
:'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]''
:'''Leni''': So where's the time machine?
:'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it.
:'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?!
:'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]''
:'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?!
:'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision.
:'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission!
:'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party.
:'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different.
:'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this!
:'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone.
:'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains?
:'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's.
:'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that.
:'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!'''
:''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]''
:'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!'''''
:''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]''
:''[Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist?
:'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito]
:'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]''
:'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared!
:'''Lucy''': So did Leni.
:'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order.
:'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts!
:'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?!
:'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home!
:''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]''
:'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like.

==''Episode 13''==

===''Crashed Course (13.1)''===

===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''===
:'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]''
:'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true!
:'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size.
:'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign.
:''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]''
:'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you.
:'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that.
:'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too.
:'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved!
:'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously.
:'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]''
:'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you.
:'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now!
:''[Outside the restaurant]''
:'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding?
:'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home.
:'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager.
:'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this!
:'''Andre''': I hope not.
:'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow!

==''Episode 14''==

===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh!
:'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' Good times.'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods.
:'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?!
:'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know.
:'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is-
:'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.'''
:'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK?
:'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays memory of them gasping repeatedly]''

===''Food Courting (14.2)''===
:'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch?
:'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles.
:'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky.
:'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today?
:'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE!
:'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual.
:'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?''
:'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?
:'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you?
:'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up.
:'''Leni''': One moment, please.
:'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please.
:'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time.
:'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please.
:'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please!
:'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough!
:'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right?
:'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix.
:'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY!
:'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise.
:'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel.
:'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin!
:'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say &quot;greetings&quot;, but then I switched it to &quot;hey.&quot; Ugh!

==''Episode 15''==

===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''===

===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''===

==''Episode 16''==

===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''===
:'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before.
:'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one.
:'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me!
:'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''&quot;hicc-up&quot;'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody hurry and eat while she's down!

===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''===

==''Episode 17''==

===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''===

===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''===

==''Episode 18''==

===''Space Jammed (18.1)''===

===''Crown and Out (18.2)''===

==''Episode 19''==

===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''===

===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''===

==''Episode 20''==

===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''===

===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''===

==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''==

==''Episode 22''==

===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''===

===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''===

==''Episode 23''==

===''Snow Escape (23.1)''===

===''Snow News Day (23.2)''===

==''Episode 24''==

===''Fashion No Show (24.1)''===

===''Doom Service (24.2)''===

==''Episode 25''==

===''The Hurt Lockers (25.1)''===

===''Love Stinks (25.2)''===

==''Episode 26''==

===''Day of the Dad (26.1)''===

===''Small Bundler (26.2)''===</text>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of young Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==''Episode 1''==

===''Present Danger (1.1)''===
:'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table.
:'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots!
:'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for…
:'''Rita''': Presents!
:'''Lincoln''': Yes!
:'''Liam''': Wahoo!
:'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele.
:'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]''
:'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Room for one more?
:'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table.
:'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]''
:'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets.
:'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us?
:'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky?
:'''Chandler''': You're on!

===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''===
:'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range.
:'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots!
:'''Luan''': Aww.
:''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]''

==''Episode 2''==

===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde?
:'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something?
:'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night…
:''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]''
:'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses.
:'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello?
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world.
:'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry-
:'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in.
:''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]''
:'''Zach''': So, what happened?
:'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy!
:'''Stella''': Yeah!
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah!
:'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong?
:'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]''
:'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada.
:'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me.
:'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in.
:'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you.
:'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please?
:'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together.
:'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me?
:'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]''
:'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking?
:'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette.
:'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time?
:'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]''
:'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please!
:'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down.

===''Double Trouble (2.2)''===
:''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]''
:'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat?
:'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip?
:'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]''
:'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]''
:'''Lola''': Ugh.
:'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here?
:'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger.
:'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human!
:'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here.
:'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel.
:'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl…
:'''Meryl''': And Meryl…
:'''Both''': Have arrived!
:'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot;
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified!
:'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what?
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]''
:'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]''
:'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers!
:'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right?
:'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins!
:'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight?
:'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them.
:''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]''
:'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl.
:'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar.
:'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with &quot;sugar.&quot;
:'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl?
:'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot; They even double-date with their boyfriends.
:'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor!
:'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it!
:''[They growl angrily at each other]''
:'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer.
:'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl.
:'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister.
:'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar.
:'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees.
:'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]''
:'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; without me.
:'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this?
:'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown.
:'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch.
:''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; finale without me?
:'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to.
:'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that!
:'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?!
:'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits!
:'''Meryl''': How dare you?!
:'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]''
:'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]''
:''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]''
:''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon?
:'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it.
:'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler!
:'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops.
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here!
:'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here?
:'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting.
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]''
:'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together.
:'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion!
:''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]''
:'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees.
:'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail.
:'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your &quot;sister,&quot; Mopes, isn't real.
:'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at?
:'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before?

==''Episode 3''==

===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on?
:''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]''
:'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort?
:'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]''
:''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]''
:'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out.
:'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh.
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts.
:'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene.
:'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion.
:'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette.
:'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation.
:'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy.
:'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]''
:'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants?
:'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo.

===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''===
:'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops?
:'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend.
:'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders.
:'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap!
:''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter?
:'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪
:'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]''
:'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪
:'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me!
:'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here?
:'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund!
:'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package.
:'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife!
:'''Rodney''': Hmph!
:'''Haiku''': What about an exchange?
:''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]''
:'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about.
:'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat!
:'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly.
:'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you?
:'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; to &quot;Hipster Island&quot;]''
:'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality!&quot;
:'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself.
:''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]''
:'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid &quot;Hipster Island.&quot;
:'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad.
:'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot;, and watch it later.
:'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and--
:'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees.
:'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife?
:'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]''
:'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him.
:'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C.
:'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up.

==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map.
:'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable?
:'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town?
:''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''&quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor&quot;''']''
:'''Lincoln''': Whoa. &quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor?&quot; Thanks, Mayor Davis.
:'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town.
:'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard?
:'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming.
:'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp.
:'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town.
:'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's…
:'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry.
:'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off.
:''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]''
:'''Citizens''': What's happening?!
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?!
:'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it.
:'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?!
:'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad?
:'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume.
:'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.'''
:''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]''
:'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]''
:''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?!
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd?
:'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history.
:'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?!
:'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us.
:'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one.
:'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word &quot;royal&quot; in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this?
:'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum.
:'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''&quot;Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?&quot;''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here!
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make.
:'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you.
:'''Lincoln''': What?!
:'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town!
:'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves.
:'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television.
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD-
:'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday!
:'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.'''
:'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!'''
:''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]''
:'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.'''
:'''Joyce''': Don't touch me.
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved!
:''[Everyone cheers]''
:'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'!
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go.
:'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause…
:'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪
:'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]''
:'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪

==''Episode 5''==

===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''===
:''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it!
:'''Lola''': There he is!
:''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]''
:'''Luna''': Why did you have to tell us about our haters, dude?!
:'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up!
:'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn.
:'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy &quot;Stinkoln&quot;.
:'''Lynn''': Your dumb &quot;cure&quot; ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court!
:'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say.
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it!
:'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters.
:'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone?
:'''Luna''': Totally.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you-
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪
:'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again.
:''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]''
:'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!!

===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''===
:''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]''
:'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking?
:'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat.
:'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: &quot;Butter him up.&quot;
:'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh.
:'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man.
:'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]''
:'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way?
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then.
:''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now.
:''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]''
:''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa.
:'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras.
:'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]''
:'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it!
:'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it.

==''Episode 6''==

===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''===
:''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]''
:'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of &quot;the Malls of the Midwest.&quot; ''[sneezes]''
:'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand.
:'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered.
:'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]''
:'''Leni''': Bye, Dad!
:'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]''
:'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse.
:'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh.
:'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow.

===''All the Rage (6.2)''===
:'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated?
:'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat!
:'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet?
:'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]''
:'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won.

==''Episode 7''==

===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''===
:''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]''
:'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the &quot;poop-etrator.&quot; ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a &quot;dog&quot; with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum!
:''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their &quot;dog&quot;, they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]''
:'''Liam''': What?!
:'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly!
:'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story?
:''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an &quot;old lady&quot; at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]''
:'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown.
:'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this &quot;little old lady&quot; as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, &quot;Mick or Treat.&quot;
:'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop!
:'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM!
:''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. 
:'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza.
:'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]''
:'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no!
:'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was.
:'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?!
:'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; &quot;You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse.&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team.
:'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate.
:'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest.
:'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean?
:'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the &quot;leaker&quot;, or &quot;rat&quot;, is gonna come to her.
:'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation!
:''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]''
:'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish.
:'''Stella''': Roger that.
:'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes?
:'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell?
:'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream.
:''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]''
:'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]''
:'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard.
:'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg!
:'''Liam''': Shh.
:'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh.
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]''
:''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]''
:'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle!
:'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling.
:''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]''
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some &quot;hot news leads&quot;, but they're all fake. We &quot;accidentally&quot; dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the &quot;rat,&quot; she &quot;finds it&quot; and takes it to &quot;the nest.&quot; Any questions? 
:'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. 
:'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]''
:'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it.
:''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]''
:'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team!
:'''Katherine''': Excuse me.
:'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here!
:'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine &quot;Shady Shader&quot; Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' &quot;Passion under the Pompeii Moon?&quot; Uh-oh.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're &quot;uh-oh.&quot; Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here.
:'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading.
:'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team.
:'''Stella''': Please, don't.
:'''Rusty''': No, dawg!
:'''Lincoln''': We're sorry.
:'''Liam''': Give us another chance.
:'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes.
:'''Zach''': Promise.
:'''Lincoln''': We swear.
:'''Rusty''': It was Zach.

===''Eye Can't (7.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here?
:'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles.
:'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]''
:'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week?
:''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and the stair railing]''
:'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[flash to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy.
:'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff.
:''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses.
:'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. 
:'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.'''
:'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist.
:'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.'''
:'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' 
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs.
:'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted.
:'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall.
:'''Lisa''': Fine.

==''Episode 8''==

===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''===
:''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]''
:'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]''
:'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode.
:''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush.
:'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn.
:'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we &quot;Dadn't!&quot;
:'''Kotaro''': Yes we &quot;Dad!&quot; It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play &quot;Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork&quot; with his friends.
:'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad.
:'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all.
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani.

===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''===
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise!
:''[The siblings rush into the living room]''
:'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters…
:'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer.
:'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]''
:'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool.
:'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot.
:'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale.
:'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15!
:'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there?
:'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''&quot;sit-uation.&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture?

==''Episode 9''==

===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''===

===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''===
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend!
:'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off?
:'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off!
:'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there.
:'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again.
:'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''&quot;Driving Miss Hazy&quot;''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]''
:'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme!
:'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't-
:'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]''
:'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two.
:'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus.

==''Episode 10''==

===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''===
:'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows!
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up?
:'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea.
:''[The kids gasp in shock]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, what?
:'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]''
:'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]''
:'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back!
:'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash.
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys?
:'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked!

===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''===
:''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]''
:'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently?
:'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers.

==''Episode 11''==

===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''===
:'''Harold''': Go for Harold?
:'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother.
:'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana!
:'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle!
:'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you?
:'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day?
:''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake, milk fountain, weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on?
:'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday.
:'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday.
:'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up.
:'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it!

===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''===

==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''==
:'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori!
:'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it!
:'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase!
:'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway?
:'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke?
:''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]''
:'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night!
:''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]''
:'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]''
:'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week!
:''[Third flashback]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew.
:'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it!
:''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]''
:'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift!
:'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month!
:''[Back to present]''
:'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year.
:'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it?
:'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift.
:'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house.
:'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions?
:'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum?
:'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]''
:'''Leni''': So where's the time machine?
:'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it.
:'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?!
:'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]''
:'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?!
:'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision.
:'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission!
:'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party.
:'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different.
:'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this!
:'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone.
:'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains?
:'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's.
:'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that.
:'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!'''
:''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]''
:'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!'''''
:''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]''
:''[Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist?
:'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito]
:'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]''
:'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared!
:'''Lucy''': So did Leni.
:'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order.
:'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts!
:'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?!
:'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home!
:''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]''
:'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like.

==''Episode 13''==

===''Crashed Course (13.1)''===

===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''===
:'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]''
:'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true!
:'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size.
:'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign.
:''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]''
:'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you.
:'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that.
:'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too.
:'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved!
:'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously.
:'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]''
:'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you.
:'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now!
:''[Outside the restaurant]''
:'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding?
:'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home.
:'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager.
:'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this!
:'''Andre''': I hope not.
:'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow!

==''Episode 14''==

===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh!
:'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' '''Good times.'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods.
:'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?!
:'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know.
:'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is-
:'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.'''
:'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK?
:'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays memory of them gasping repeatedly]''

===''Food Courting (14.2)''===
:'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch?
:'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles.
:'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky.
:'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today?
:'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE!
:'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual.
:'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?''
:'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?
:'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you?
:'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up.
:'''Leni''': One moment, please.
:'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please.
:'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time.
:'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please.
:'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please!
:'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough!
:'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right?
:'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix.
:'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY!
:'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise.
:'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel.
:'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin!
:'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say &quot;greetings&quot;, but then I switched it to &quot;hey.&quot; Ugh!

==''Episode 15''==

===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''===

===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''===

==''Episode 16''==

===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''===
:'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before.
:'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one.
:'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me!
:'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''&quot;hicc-up&quot;'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody hurry and eat while she's down!

===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''===

==''Episode 17''==

===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''===

===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''===

==''Episode 18''==

===''Space Jammed (18.1)''===

===''Crown and Out (18.2)''===

==''Episode 19''==

===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''===

===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''===

==''Episode 20''==

===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''===

===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''===

==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''==

==''Episode 22''==

===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''===

===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''===

==''Episode 23''==

===''Snow Escape (23.1)''===

===''Snow News Day (23.2)''===

==''Episode 24''==

===''Fashion No Show (24.1)''===

===''Doom Service (24.2)''===

==''Episode 25''==

===''The Hurt Lockers (25.1)''===

===''Love Stinks (25.2)''===

==''Episode 26''==

===''Day of the Dad (26.1)''===

===''Small Bundler (26.2)''===</text>
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    <title>Pokémon/Season 23</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]] [[Pokémon/Season 24|24]] [[Pokémon/Season 25|25]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
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This is a list of episodes in Pokémon Journeys: The Series, the twenty-third season of the Pokémon animated series (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā?, Pocket Monsters), covering the adventures of series protagonist Ash Ketchum and his new travelling companion Goh as they travel around the Pokémon world, based at the Cerise Research Laboratory in Vermilion City in the Kanto region.

==Enter Pikachu!==
:''[It is a bright sunny morning in Pallet Town and a Dodrio is sleeping on the roof of a building]''
:'''Narrator''': This is Pallet Town... (The camera cuts to Ash's house) Where this young man calls home.
:''[Inside the Ketchum household, a young Ash Ketchum is racing down the stairs with a poster as he slides down the handrail, carrying a poster]''
:'''Young Ash''': Hey, mom! (Races into the kitchen and approaches his mother, Delia) Can I go? Can I? To Professor Oak's Pokémon Camp! (His mother looks at the poster which is advertising Professor Oak's Pokémon Camp) It's a really cool trip to a camp where you get to go and check out Pokémon with Professor Oak!
:'''Delia''': Oh! So they have a camp for that, too? Alright. I'll fill in an application for you, then.
:'''Young Ash''': Yay! Alright! Alright! Yay!
:'''Delia''': But I have an early appointment that day that I can't change. Are you sure you can wake yourself up?
:'''Young Ash''': Awesome! It'll be so much fun! (Puts the poster on the table)
:'''Delia''': Are you listening?
:'''Young Ash''': (Giggles) Yeah! I wonder what kind of Pokémon I'm gonna see.
:''[The camera cuts to the poster]''
:'''Narrator''': The exciting, wonderful world of Pokémon! A group of most unusual creatures, teeming with mystery. (The scene fades to some children playing on a Snorlax with two of them bouncing) Some Pokémon live alongside humans.... (Cut to a Cubone and a Bellsprout in a woodland) ...while some can be found in the grasslands.
:'''Cubone''': (after seeing a Caterpie) Cu-Cubone! Cu! Cu-cu-cu-cu. (Runs away from the wild Caterpie)
:''[The camera cuts to a Butterfree who flies backwards to reveal more Butterfree in the sky]''
:'''Narrator''': In the sky... (The camera cuts to some Pokémon on the grass) ...and in the water. Wild Pokémon live everywhere! (The camera pans left to reveal some Pokémon in the water as a Magikarp jumps out)
:'''Magikarp''': Karp karp!
:''[The camera cuts to some Pidgey and Spearow in a tree]''
:'''Narrator''': And in this particular forest....
:''[In another tree, an ear appears out from the leaves and a little Pichu pops out.]''
:'''Pichu''': Pi-Pichu! (Races down the trunk of the tree and onto the ground) Pichu. Pichu? Pi-Pi-chu? (Sees four Butterfree trilling, making it happy) Pichu! Pichu! Pi-Pichu!
:''[The camera cuts to a nearby cave]''
:'''Ekans''': Ekans. (Its eyes light up)
:''[Pichu continues to chitter until the wild Ekans comes out to attack it]''
:'''Ekans''': Ekans.
:'''Pichu''': Chu! Pi... (Sees the wild Ekans)
:'''Ekans''': Ekans.
:'''Pichu''': Chu! (uses Thunderbolt to shock the wild Ekans)
:'''Narrator''': Pichu is a Pokémon who can use Electric-Type moves. (Ekans slithers away into its cave and Pichu falls down) However, it appears Pichu is still learning to control its electricity.
:''[Pichu gets up]''
:'''Pichu''': Pi. (sighs) Pi-Pi-chu. (Gets up and looks up) Pichu?
:''[The camera cuts to a group of Mankey gibbering in the trees]''
:'''Pichu''': Pi-pi-Pichu? (Notices a Nidoran couple nuzzling together and runs off) Pichu? Pi-Pichu!
:''[Pichu runs to a cliff and sees a view of a herd of Dodrio and Doduo and a flock of Pidgey flying over]''
:'''Pichu''': Pi-Pichu.
:''[Fade to the Doduo and Dodrio on the ground]''
:'''Narrator''': In the wilderness, there are many Pokemon who live groups, but it seems that this Pichu is all alone.
:'''Pichu''': (notices something) Pichu?
:'''Three Koffing''': Koffing! (They use smokescreen)
:'''Pichu''': (shocked) Pichu! Pi-pichu! (Covers it mouth) Pew-pichu, pew-pichu pichu. Pichu-uu! (Falls down the cliff, onto some trees and gets caught by a Kangaskhan) Pichu! Pi... (groans) Pu-pi... chu. Pichu. Pi-pi-chu?
:'''Kangaskhan''': Kanga.
:'''Pichu''': (shrieks scared) Pi-Pichu! Pi, Pi...
:'''Kangaskhan''': Kangas.
:'''Pichu''': Pichu? (Kangaskhan puts it down gently)
:'''Kangaskhan''': Kangaskhan.
:'''Pichu''': Pi-Pichu. (Sees a little Kangaskhan in its mother's pouch)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Young Chloe''': Honestly, Goh! This is exactly why you never make friends!
:'''Young Goh''': Who said I wanted to make friends, anyway? What I want is to catch a Pokemon that nobody has ever seen before.

==Legends? Go! Friends? Go!==

==Ivysaur's Mysterious Tower!==

==Settling the Scorbunny!==

==Mind-Boggling Dynamax!==

==Working My Way Back to Mew!==

==Serving Up the Flute Cup!==

==The Sinnoh Iceberg Race!==

==Finding a Legend!==

==A Test in Paradise!==

==Best Friend...Worst Nightmare!==

==Flash of the Titans!==

==The Climb to Be the Very Best!==

==Raid Battle in The Ruins!==
:'''Narrator''': Ash's goal is to battle one of the world's greatest trainers, Leon. Goh's goal is to catch one of every kind of Pokémon, including Mew. This is the story of their adventure-filled journey through the world of Pokémon!

:''[Note: Starting from this episode, the Narrator uses this quotation in an introductory clip about Ash and Goh's goals which is played at the start of most episodes in the Pokémon Journeys series.]''

==A Snow Day for Searching!==

==A Chilling Curse!==

==Kicking It from Here Into Tomorrow!==

==Destination: Coronation!==

==A Talent for Imitation!==

==Dreams Are Made of These!==

==Caring for a Mystery!==

==Goodbye, Friend!==

==Panic in the Park!!==

==A Little Rocket R &amp; R!==

==A Festival Reunion!==

==Splash, Dash, and Smash for the Crown!/Slowking's Crowning!==

==Toughing It Out!==

==Sobbing Sobble!==

==There's a New Kid in Town!==

==Betrayed, Bothered, and Beleaguered!==

:''[Ash and Pikachu are sleeping on the floor in Ash's room]''
:'''Ash''': We're gonna have to thank Mimey again tomorrow when we get up, huh?
:'''Pikachu: Pika.
:'''Ash''': Bet you're wiped out. So let's get some sleep.
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu. (rolls over)
:'''Ash''': Huh? Hm.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika...
:'''Ash''': Oh, yeah... (Places his hand on Pikachu's back and starts singing) Close you tired eyes.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika?
:'''Ash''': (singing) The gentle breeze.
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu.
:'''Ash''': (singing) And the twinkling stars.
:'''Pikachu''': (singing) Pika pika.
:'''Ash''': (chuckles) Do you know this song, buddy? The lullaby that mom used to sing to us?
:'''Pikachu''': Pikachu.

==The Cuteness Quotient!==

==Time After Time!==

==Trade, Borrow, and Steal!==

==Solitary and Menacing!==

==Gotta Catch a What?!==

==Making Battles in the Sand!==

==That New Old Gang of Mine!==

==Restore and Renew!==

==Octo-Gridlock at the Gym!==

==A Crackling Raid Battle!==

==Pikachu Translation Check.../Up to Your Neck!==

==Sword and Shield, Slumbering Weald!==
:''[Sonia's car jumps up as Goh, Raboot and Sobble experience the bumpy ride]''
:'''Goh''': No offense, Sonia, but I'm concerned about your driving...
:'''Sonia''': (sighs) Don't be rude! The problem is my car's really old.
:'''Goh''': Oh, oh, yeah! (Takes out his Rotom Phone) Please, Rotom, would you try Ash again?
:'''Goh's Rotom Phone''': Right away!
:''[Goh places his phone to his ear. Then, the camera cuts to Ash who is flying aboard his Dragonite]''
:'''Ash's Rotom Phone''': You have a call from Goh. You have a call from Goh. (Ash takes it out) You have a call from Goh.
:'''Ash''': (answers) Hey, there, Goh. Where are you now?
:'''Goh''': (on the phone) YOU ANSWERED! Where am I? Where are you?!
:'''Ash''': I'm with Leon, and we're gonna stop the Dynamax Pokémon from rampaging.
:'''Goh''': (on the phone) With Leon?
:''[Cut to Goh]''
:'''Ash''': (on the phone) Yeah. It's a long story...
:'''Goh''': My story's long to... I met up with Sonia and we're on our way to check out some ruins in Turffield.
:'''Ash''': (on the phone) Sonia?
:''[Flashback]''
:'''Goh''': (voiceover) You remember! From Wyndon Stadium! The one we met in front of the hero statue.
:'''Ash''': (voiceover) (on the phone) Oh, yeah! Wasn't she researching some legend or something?
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Goh''': She sure was. She thinks that the rampaging Dynamax Pokémon in the Galar region have something to do with the very same hero legend. That's why she and I are going together to Turrffield so we can figure out the mysteries of that legend.

==Sword and Shield: The Darkest Day!==

==Sword and Shield: &quot;From Here to Eternatus!&quot;==

==Sword and Shield... The Legends Awaken!==
'''Ash's Rotom Phone:''' Lucario, the Aura Pokémon. A Fighting and Steel type. Lucario uses a power called aura, which allows it to sense human feelings.

==Getting More Than You Battled For!==

==Crowning the Chow Crusher!==

==A Close Call... Practically!==</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Better Call Saul (season 6)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>246839</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153439</id>
      <parentid>3153172</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T03:36:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jzummak</username>
        <id>26978</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/*  Waterworks [6.12] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="136287" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]].

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff''': What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff''': Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff''': I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Buddy''': I'll do it.
:'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you?
:'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff''': In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] ===
:''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]''
:'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick...
:''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]''
:'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh?
:''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]''
:'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez...
:''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal  an open grave in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]''
:'''Francesca''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing?
:'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise.
:'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me.
:'''Francesca''': First things first.
:'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after.
:'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up.
:'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. 
:'''Francesca''': New Jersey?
:'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised.
:''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]''
:'''Francesca''': Okay.
:'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything?
:'''Francesca''': It's all here.
:'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot.
:'''Francesca''': How hot?
:'''Saul''': Yeah.
:'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it.
:'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything?
:'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. 
:'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons?
:'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone.
:'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them?
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': What about the vending machines?
:'''Francesca''': Gone.
:'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag...
:'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul.
:'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda—
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation?
:'''Saul''': What?
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds.
:'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?!
:''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]''
:'''Saul''': ''God dammit!''
:'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way!
:'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything.
:'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, well...
:'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it.
:'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? 
:'''Francesca''': There's nothing else.
:'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby?
:'''Francesca''': No idea.
:'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell?
:'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked.
:'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys?
:'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? 
:'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news.
:'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides.
:'''Saul''': He came out, huh? 
:'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. 
:'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing?
:'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then.
:''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]''
:'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. 
:'''Saul''': No kidding?
:'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. 
:'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Francesca''': Nothing.
:'''Saul''': But she asked.
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye—
:''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]''
:'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here.
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing.
:'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul''': &quot;No details?&quot; Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters!
:'''Walter''': ''No details.''
:'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter''': I said no details!
:'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]''
:'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing!
:'''Walter''': Can you not touch...?
:'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling.
:'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down.
:'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick.
:'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter''': Dammit.
:'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up.
:'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're &quot;moving&quot;, then.
:'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit.
:'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo?
:'''Saul''': ...Who?
:'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo.
:'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter''': Hold on.
:''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]''
:'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! 
:''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]''
:'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time.
:'''Mike:''' When you're done.
:'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please.
:'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is.
:'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter.
:'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me.
:''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. 
:'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck.
:'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming.
:'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. 
:'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella?
:'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher.
:'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really?
:'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. 
:'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher?
:'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer.
:'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad?
:'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur.
:'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded.
:'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. 
:'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him?
:'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. 
:'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management—
:'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. 
:'''Saul:''' ''Hm?''
:'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said?
:'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid.
:''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]''
:'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! 
:'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?!
:'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. 
:'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience!
:'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job!
:'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't!
:'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go.
:'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! 
:'''Saul''': Not your call.
:'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. 
:'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! 
:'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. 
:'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''.
:''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]''
:'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now.
:'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there?
:'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?!

=== ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] ===
:'''Kim''': Kim Wexler.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a &quot;yes&quot;. Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there?
:'''Kim''': What do you want?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.
:'''Kim''': &quot;Catch up?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.
:'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake!
:'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.''
:'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something!
:'''Kim''': You want me to say something?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in.
:'''Jimmy''': Do what?
:'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.
:'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—hat is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim—
:'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]''
:'''Cheryl''': ...Why?
:'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time.
:'''Cheryl''': Where's his body?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': And the police... will they search again?
:'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't—he didn't suffer.
:'''Cheryl''': &quot;He didn't suffer&quot;? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers!
:'''Kim''': I wanna change that.
:'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?''
:'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not.
:'''Cheryl''': ''Why?''
:'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive.
:'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those?
:''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]''
:'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit?
:'''Kim''': Raining.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church?
:'''Kim''': Nativity scene.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus.
:'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo!
:'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise?
:'''Kim''': Why do you ask?
:'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, &quot;Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?&quot; Anyways... This guy. Any good?
:''[Kim throws her cigarette away]''
:'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]''
:'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.
:'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.
:'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Saul''': Marion—
:'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! 
:'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.
:'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! 
:'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.
:'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.
:'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there?
:'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?
:'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. 
:'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?
:'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. 
:'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. 
:''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone cord and connects it to her laptop.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]''
:'''Saul''': What's that?
:'''Marion''': ...You tell me.
:'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.
:'''Marion''': There never was a Nippy, was there?
:'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you?
:'''Marion''': Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in &quot;conman&quot; and &quot;Albuquerque&quot;. And up you popped, big as day. ''[reaches for her phone]''
:'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion?
:'''Marion''': What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.
:'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.
:'''Marion''': What'd you get my son into?!
:'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?
:''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]''
:'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp]''
:'''Marion''': I trusted you.
:''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]''
:'''Valerie''': Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?
:'''Marion''': No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!
:'''Valerie''': Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.
:''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]''

=== ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
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    <title>Sonic the Hedgehog 2</title>
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'''''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]''''' (also simply known as '''''Sonic 2'''''), also known in [[Japan]] as '''''Sonic the Movie / Sonic VS Knuckles''''', is a 2022 American fantasy-action-adventure-comedy film based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega. The movie stars {{w|James Marsden}}, {{w|Tika Sumpter}}, {{w|Natasha Rothwell}}, {{w|Adam Pally}}, [[Jim Carrey]] as Robotnik, with the voices of {{w|Ben Schwartz}} as Sonic, {{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}}, and [[Idris Elba]]. It is also distributed by Paramount Pictures and a sequel to [[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|first 2020 film]].

:''Directed by: {{w|Jeff Fowler}}. Produced by {{w|Neal H. Moritz}}, Toby Ascher, Toru Nakahara, and Hitoshi Okuno. Screenplay by [[w:Patrick Casey (writer)|Pat Casey]] &amp; [[w:Josh Miller (filmmaker)|Josh Miller]] and [[w:John Whittington (screenwriter)|John Whittington]].''
{{center|'''Welcome 2 the Next Level''' &lt;small&gt;(tagline)&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] ==
* ''[from trailer]'' Quick stretch, little snack, and here we go.
* Blue Justice. Trademark pending.
* Morning, Wade! ''['''Wade''': Morning, Sonic!]''
* Good morning, Green Hills!
* Look, I stopped a robbery! I was a hero! ''['''Tom:''' No, you put people in danger and that's not what a hero does!]'' You're supposed to be my friend, stop trying to be my dad...
* I just got goosebumps. Wait a second. Did you steal that from Oprah?
* Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of adventure!
* Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
* ''['''Tails:''' I got idea, do you trust me?]'' Of course not! I literally just met you!
* ''[to Robotnik]'' Okay, we gotta talk about your new look. It's like Professor X meets the Monopoly Man. Also, what kind of genius shows up to Siberia in a convertible?
* ''[Directing a missle back to Robotnik]'' Return to sender!
* Face it: you're never gonna get my power.
* ''[Driving a police car away from Knuckles. To Tails]'' I think we lost him. ''[Knuckles suddenly lands on the car and punches a hole through the roof]'' We've not lost him, we've definitely not lost him!
* ''[Snowboarding down a snowy slope, Knuckles catching up to him, doing the same]'' Oh, great. [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|The Winter Soldier]]! 
* ''['''Knuckles''': You're unskilled… untrained… and unworthy!]'' You forgot one: unstoppable!
* ''[Fighting Knuckles]'' I don't wanna fight you, but you're not giving me much choice!
* For a guy named Knuckles, you are ''really'' bad at punching.
* Uh, meow?
* Water. Why did it have to be water?
* ''Gotta go fast.''
* STOP. SAYING. GROIN.
* ''[as Super Sonic]'' It's ''over'', Eggman.

== [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower]] ==
* ''(from trailer)'' Name's Tails.
* Wow, okay, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it okay if I call you Sonic? Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why. ''['''Sonic:''' Let me guess... because of the extra tail?]'' That's right! I should have known you'd get that!
* That's Knuckles. The last of the Echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
* Ha ha ha! A butt-copter!
* ''[Repeated line]'' Only Sonic the Hedgehog...
* Growing up, I didn't have any friends. Everyone in my village thought my two tails were weird. ''['''Sonic:''' Hey, I know that feeling.]'' But then I saw you; the fastest creature in the galaxy. You were weird too, but you were a legend. That made me think, maybe being weird isn't so bad. You inspired me to leave my village, to find you and help you on your mission.
* ''[Flying inside Robotnik's giant robot]'' Looks like your fancy robot has a glitch! ''[Makes multiple holographic images of himself to confuse Robotnik]'' Is it me? What about me? I'm over here! Up top! Down below! Behind you! I'm over here! Sorry! Over here! Too slow! Missed me again!

== [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]] ==
* Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
* ''[Hanging off the side of a cliff, sees several of Robotnik's drones pointed at him]'' You think these machines are a match for me? I will shatter them like the bones of a fallen-! ''[Looks below and sees that the robots have attached themselves to the cliff for him to walk on]'' Oh, they are stairs.
* I understand ''nothing'' of what you just said.
* Sonic the Hedgehog… you're no match for me.
* I am an echidna warrior.
* You're unskilled, untrained, and unworthy!
* You're no match for me. I've been training for this my entire life!
* '''Dis''... is how I roll.
* ''[As Robotnik betrays him]'' That wasn't the deal!
* But I trusted you! You were my friend!
* ''[After Sonic hits him with a sandball]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow! ''[Gets hit with another sandball]''
* ''[To the Wachowskis, after Sonic has been transformed into &quot;Super Sonic&quot; by the Chaos Emeralds]'' Wait! You cannot touch him! The hedgehog holds the power of the Emerald. Sorry, he's no longer the Sonic you once knew. ''[Sonic uses his power...to summon a chili dog for him to eat. He then makes two more chili dogs, which both land on Knuckles' face]'' Okay, he is ''exactly'' the Sonic you once knew.

== [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]] ==
* Doctor's log. It is day 243 in this... Portabello purgatory... My only companion is a rock I named &quot;Stone&quot;. The question is... for whom am I narrating this? It seems I have become a feature player in the theater of the absurd. Marooned in deep space by that wretched blue rodent. But it is all good thanks to a breathable atmosphere and my supreme intellect, sharpened against the only competitor savvy enough to br-r-r-r-ring it.
* Since I've been gone, I've discovered the source of ultimate power!
* Where are my manners? Sonic, meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ever.
* ''[referring to finding the source of ultimate power]'' ''['''Stone:''' That sounds big.]'' It's been on my vision board for years.
* Papa's got a brand new 'stache!
* ''[In the Emerald temple's maze, he and Knuckles run from a giant spiked metal ball rolling at them, a la Indiana Jones]'' I don't wanna die like this; it's derivative!
* ''[After dodging more booby traps in the Emerald temple's maze]'' I've solved it: there's a booby trap every seven seco-- ''[Just as he says seconds, a giant axe swings down right in front of Robotnik, just brushing against his mustache, and then imbeds itself into the wall]'' That was a little early. ''[Briefly looks down, then exhales with relief]'' So glad it didn't cut off my...mustache.
* ''[doing commentary on Sonic and Knuckles' fight]'' The echidna's taking no prisoners today! Sonic has heart, but will he lose the &quot;quill&quot; to live?
* Hedgehog, it's time to say goodbye to humanity.
* Welcome to the new norm!
* Someone call an Uber? It's cold in here. Let's turn up the heat.
* ''[Sonic redirects a missile back to Robotnik's robot, hitting it in its knee. The impact jolts the robot to where Stone is slammed against the wall and knocked out]'' Stone? Oh, great. Next thing you know, there'll be a report about a hostile work environment!
* ''['''Super Sonic:''' It's over, Eggman.]'' I like the new look. It works for you. What do you say we just let bygones be bygones? I did some things, you did some things. There are good people on both sides. ''[presses buttons in his glove to control his robot's right arm]'' Surely two intelligent beings... can work these things '''''OUT!!''' [tries to punch Super Sonic, who blocks the fist and disintegrates it, then proceeds to smash through the robot... and tip it over with the toe of his shoe]'' Oh, it's like that? Okay, we're not friends! '''LATER, HATER!'''

== Tom Wachowski ==
* Sonic, I love that you want to help make a difference, but you're being reckless... Pretending to be Batman.
* Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
* ''[after Sonic calls him &quot;Dad&quot;]'' I'll race you to the truck. 1, 2, 3, go!

== Agent Stone ==
* ''[surprised by Robotnik's return to Earth]'' He's back. '''''HE'S BACK!'''''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Dr. Robotnik''': Thank you, Stone! It's time to say goodbye to this... piece of shiitake planet!
:''[Robotnik licks Sonic's quill, electrocuting himself again before making a beeline for the Ring portal in slow motion. However, he stops at the sight of a silhouette then gasps as he stops in his tracks falling on his back as we see the creature's hand, encased in a massive white boxing glove-like glove with twin spikes. In a close up of his face, the creature reveals himself to be a red anthropomorphic echidna marching right up to him with his eyes glowing purple. The echidna, Knuckles, walks up to Robotnik before noticing Sonic's quill in his palm.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Where did you get that?
:''[Robotnik looks to Sonic's quill in his hand and swiftly lifts it in between their faces]''
:'''Robotnik''': From a little blue menace on a planet called Earth.
:''[Knuckles looks at Robotnik sternly]''
:'''Robotnik''': I'd be happy to show you the way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hostage''': What the heck are you?!
:'''Sonic''': Fear not, citizen. I am the hero you need and the hero you deserve. The blue dawn that banishes the darkest– HOLY CRAP!
:''[Sonic spots a pedestrian on the road and proceed to scream with the hostage as he takes the wheel and drives around her. The hostage continues to scream.]''
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry! Nobody's gonna get hurt!
:''[The chase continues as the bag of dynamite proceeds to slide right next to Sonic]''
:'''Sonic''': Huh, what are those?
:'''Hostage''': Bombs, '''BOMBS! THEY’RE BOMBS!''' Those are bombs!
:'''Sonic''': Relax, they're not even lit! so I'll say again, nobody's gonna get–
:''[The dynamite sticks turn on as their fuses ignite]''
:'''Sonic''': '''AHH!!''' I was wrong! We're all gonna die!
:'''Hostage''': Why aren't you slowing down?!
:'''Sonic''': That would require brakes.
:''[Sonic presses on the breaks to no avail as they are blocked by an unconscious bank robber, and he takes the bag of dynamite with his foot and picks it up with his hand]''
:'''Sonic''': Ahh! Ohh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
:'''Hostage''': Why don't you just let the police handle this?!
:'''Sonic''': Because that's ''not'' what heroes do!
:''[Sonic throws all the dynamite sticks out the window. They all fall into a random garbage truck before they explode, scattering its trash everywhere]''
:'''Sonic''': Thank you very much! Please hold your applause!
:''[Trash falls on the windshield of the truck. The chase continues. The hostage hears a hissing.]''
:'''Hostage''': Hey, ya hear that? There's one bomb left!
:'''Sonic''': Uh-oh.
:''[Sonic zooms toward the truck's small cubby and proceeds to look under]''
:'''Hostage''': Did you check under the seat?
:'''Sonic''': Of course I checked under the seat!
:''[The chase still continues]''
:'''Hostage''': You are terrible at this!
:''[Sonic latches onto the wire on the door separating him and the hostage]''
:'''Sonic''': You know what? Your negative attitude is ''not'' helping anyone!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': No need to thank me, citizens! All in the work for… Blue Justice!
:'''Hostage''': You're a terrible hero!
:''[Sonic laughs as he zips away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': I can take care of myself.
:'''Tom''': Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
:'''Sonic''': Whoa. Look at you. Look, I just got– I just got goosebumps. Wait a second, did you steal that from Oprah?
:'''Tom''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. Came from my dad, in this very boat, in this very lake. He would always try and steer me in the right direction. That's what Maddie and I always try to do with you. So, until your moment arrives, I want you to work on being more responsible. Comprende?
:'''Sonic''': Comprende. High-five on it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robotnik uses a taser to cut open the knob of the door then opens it]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[shocked]'' Eggman?
:''[Robotnik blows out the taser like a candle then faces Sonic]''
:'''Robotnik''': Hello, hedgehog! Did you miss me?
:'''Sonic''': I don't know how you got back, but you made a big mistake coming here.
:'''Robotnik''': ''Au contraire, mon frere.'' The mistake was thinking that you've won. But that was just a prelude, an ''hors d'oeuvre'', an aperitif, an Amuse-bouche–
:'''Sonic''': I get it.
:'''Robotnik''': ''[chuckles as he walks forward waving a finger]'' I don't think you do, but you will, and so will that idiot sheriff and his wife.
:''[Sonic makes a fist with blue energy building up]''
:'''Robotnik''': [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And your little dog, too!]]
:''[Sonic rushes up and time slows as he prepares to punch Robotnik in the face but he backs away to reveal Knuckles leaping right at Sonic. Time goes back to normal as he punches him right through a wall, destroying the TV. Sonic lays on the couch dazed, as he looks through the wall to see Knuckles looking right at him.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Pitiful. ''[walks through the hallways as Sonic gets up]''
:'''Sonic''': Who are you?
:'''Robotnik''': ''[sticks his head through the hole]'' Where are my manners? ''[walks through the hallway and stands right behind Knuckles]'' Sonic... meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ''ever''.
:'''Sonic''': ''[gets on the floor and gets his bag of Rings as he wears it like a strapped backpack]'' Look, Robotnik, I don't care who you bring to help you. You're never gonna get my power.
:'''Knuckles''': Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Wow. OK, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it OK if I call you Sonic? ''(My name's Miles Prower.)'' Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why.
:'''Sonic''': Let me guess, because of the extra tail?
:'''Tails''': That's right! I should've known you'd get that!
:'''Sonic''': Cool. Also, what is going on?! Robotnik's back, and who is [[Clifford the Big Red Dog (2000 TV series)|Clifford the Big Red Rage Monster]]?
:'''Tails''': Oh, that's Knuckles, the last of the echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
:'''Sonic''': Are you serious, the Master Emerald? That's just a bedtime story!
:'''Tails''': Well, he believes it's real, and he must think you're the key to finding it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Uh, Sonic? Where are we?
:'''Wade''': Welcome to the Wade Cave, which is something I hope to someday say to a woman. A woman who's not my mom.
:'''Sonic''': Wade, focus. We need to figure out why Knuckles thinks I'm the key to finding the Master Emerald, and why did he mention Longclaw?
:'''Tails''': There must be a connection.
:'''Sonic''': Wait a minute, there is. ''[gets out the safe worlds map and points to the emerald on it]'' There's an emerald on the map Longclaw gave me. I never knew what it meant before.
:''[The map glows as the black outlines turn green and shut the lights off.]''
:'''Tails''': Something's happening.
:''[Sonic lets go of the map and the map falls to the floor as green smoke surrounds the map. Then a hologram of Longclaw emerges from the map as she is spreading her wings.]''
:'''Sonic''': Longclaw?
:'''Longclaw''': Hello, Sonic. If you're watching this, then something has happened to me and I pray that you've made it to Earth unharmed. This world has been chosen for a very important reason. It's the secret location of the Master Emerald. ''[spreads her wings out, revealing an image of the Master Emerald, a green diamond]''
:'''Sonic''': Woah...
:'''Longclaw''': The emerald has the power to turn thoughts into reality.
:'''Wade''': Just like the {{w|Stay Puft Marshmallow Man}} from ''[[Ghostbusters]]''.
:'''Tails''': Shhh.
:'''Longclaw''': In the wrong hands, it can threaten all life in the universe. Protecting the emerald was my sacred duty, and now I must pass that responsibility to you.
:'''Sonic''': This is my moment.
:'''Longclaw''': Follow the map, find the emerald, and keep it safe. Sonic, you have a heart like no other creature I've met. I love you so much. Goodbye.
:''[The hologram ends as Longclaw sinks into the map, fading.]''
:'''Sonic''': No, no, no, wait.
:''[The hologram of Longclaw's feather floats into Sonic's hand, which fades as he closes his hands.]''
:'''Sonic''': I won't let you down, Longclaw.
:''[Tails looks concerned for Sonic.]''
:'''Wade''': So, is he like... your dad?
:'''Tails''': What?
:'''Wade''': No?
:'''Sonic''': ''[walks over to the map and picks it up]'' According to the map, the first clue is in Siberia. It's a compass that'll lead us to the emerald.
:'''Tails''': And with Knuckles already here, it's a race.
:'''Wade''': &quot;Knuckles&quot;… Ya know, I knew a kid in middle school named Knuckles. Could fit his whole fist in his mouth. If this is the same Knuckles, then we're screwed.
:'''Sonic''': This Knuckles, that Knuckles, doesn't matter. We're gonna get there first. ''[throws a Ring and opens a portal that has Siberia on the other side]''
:'''Tails''': Hehehe, ummm. What do you mean &quot;we&quot;?
:'''Sonic''': You're coming with me.
:'''Tails''': Oh, no, no, no, no. I-I just came here to warn you. I'm not a field guy.
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry, I got your back. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. ''[makes a fist and lifts it to Tails, who walks over to him]'' It's a power bump. On Earth, it means an unbreakable promise.
:'''Tails''': Okay, I'm in! ''[he and Tails power bump]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Check this out.
:'''Sonic''': Can you translate that?
:'''Tails''': Yeah. Ages ago, a fearsome group of warriors – known as the echidnas – forged the seven Chaos Emeralds into the most unstoppable weapon ever created.
:'''Sonic''': The Master Emerald.
:'''Tails''': With it, a single warrior could defeat entire armies. Believing no one should have such power, an order of heroes recovered the emerald and swore to protect it from evil. Sounds like the owls and echidnas have been fighting each other (over that emerald) for centuries.
:'''Sonic''': Like {{w|Vin Diesel}} and [[Dwayne Johnson|The Rock]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': Has anyone ever told you you've got serious anger issues?
:'''Knuckles''': You mock me with your weak jokes, but you know nothing about me, hedgehog.
:'''Sonic''': Well, I know you echidnas have a habit of showing up uninvited and ruining my life!
:'''Knuckles''': Ruining your life? Another bad joke. ''[becoming more pensive and sad]'' I lost ''everything'' because of you. My tribe was on the verge of its greatest victory. The last of the owl warriors were located; soon, Longclaw's Emerald secrets would be ours. But my father stopped me from joining the fight. He said my moment to honor our tribe would come, but it was not this moment. Those were the last words he spoke to me. I never saw him again.
:'''Sonic''': ''[somberly]'' We both lost everything that day.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Just as Tom was about to get mad at Sonic, Maddie calms him down]''
:'''Maddie''': OK. You, calm down. And you, talk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Randall, why do all of your friends have weapons?
:'''Walters''': You really should have taken me up on that brunch, Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski.
:'''Tom''': Olive Garden guy?
:'''Walters''': (That's Walters.) It's okay, everyone. We're federal agents. You, too, agent. Go ahead.
:'''Rachel''': ''[as Randall takes out his badge]'' You mean to tell me that this entire wedding was a setup?!
:'''Randall''': Rachel, wait a minute.
:'''Rachel''': What?
:'''Walters''': That's correct, ma'am. Every single aspect of Operation Catfish was a complete fabrication.
:'''Rachel''': Operation Catfish?! So is everyone here an agent?! Are you an agent?! Son of a… Was the florist an agent?! How about the photographer? The woman who waxed my… at the spa? Is Jojo an agent?
:'''Randall''': Rachel.
:'''Jojo''': What? (Mom, do I look like a agent?)
:'''Randall''': Rachel, listen to me. (I can explain.)
:'''Rachel''': ''[enraged]'' I'M DONE LISTENING! I AM DONE LISTENING!!
:'''Randall''': I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I really am. I am so sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walters''': Something bothering you, agent?
:'''Randall''': I just feel a little guilty about what I did to Rachel, sir.
:'''Walters''': Don't worry about it. We'll send her a gift card. Now, I propose a toast. To a perfectly executed operation.
:'''G.U.N. Agent''': Sir, we're under attack.
:'''Rachel''': '''''RANDALL, WIFEY'S HOME!!!'''''
:'''Randall''': Oh, my god. Rachel. What... a... Woman.
:'''Rachel''': You no-good, lowdown, dirty, lying…
:'''Randall''': Rachel, just listen to me.
:'''Rachel''': '''WHAT KIND OF TWISTED SICKO TRICKS SOMEONE INTO A ''FAKE WEDDING?!'''''
:'''Walters''': Party's over, bridezilla. Stop right there.
:'''Rachel''': You son of a…
:'''Walters''': Have it your way.
:'''Randall''': No! No!
:'''Walters''': Very disappointing, Agent Handel. Is that supposed to be a weapon?
:'''Rachel''': I don't know, but we gonna find out!
:'''Walters''': Haven't you caused enough trouble for one day?
:'''Rachel''': I haven't even begun causing trouble! Hell hath no fury like a bride scorned! Looks like it's real, huh? No. Right.
:'''Randall''': Be honest. How bad is it?
:'''Rachel''': Not bad at all. You got tased. You'll be fine.
:'''Randall''': I'm so cold.
:'''Rachel''': You landed on our ice sculpture. Get up. Just… Just tell me the truth, for once. Is there anything about you or about us that was real?
:'''Randall''': Rachel, look at me. Before I met you, I didn't think that I was even capable of real happiness, but that all changed when you walked into my life, and I ended up breaking the first rule of undercover work.
:'''Rachel''': Which is...?
:'''Randall''': Never fall in love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic crashes through the ceiling of the Master Emerald's chamber, in front of Robotnik and Knuckles, poison darts stuck in his quills]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[coughs]'' Nailed it. ''[A giant mace ball lands right behind him]''
:'''Robotnik''': This guy is always trying to spoil a bad thing!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, you guys are here too? ''[Shakes the darts off his quills]'' Took the long way, huh?
:'''Knuckles''': Is everything a joke to you? Why must you constantly interfere with my destiny?
:'''Sonic''': Because ''my'' destiny is to protect my friends and family!
:'''Robotnik''': I think I just threw up in my mouth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Knuckles goes to crush him with a large rock, Sonic spots Robotnik reaching his hands out to the Emerald]''
:'''Sonic''': Knuckles, stop! Robotnik is stealing the Emerald!
:'''Knuckles''': What kinda fool do you take me for?
:'''Sonic''': Just look!
:''[Following Sonic's attention, Knuckles looks over his shoulder to look at Robotnik]''
:'''Robotnik''': Mine...
:''[As Robotnik goes to grab the Master Emerald, Knuckles shouts as if stopping him]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait, that wasn't the deal! ''[drops the rock]''
:'''Robotnik''': Oh, you poor naive creature. It's not your fault. A more advanced intellect would've seen this move coming a mile away, or 1.6 kilometers.
:'''Knuckles''': But I trusted you! You were my friend!
:'''Robotnik''': ''[laughing]'' Sorry, that just hit me funny. Let this be my final to you, you dimwitted celestial skintag. Friends are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, which means X square times the hypotenuse of Y square divided by the absolute power of friendship equals, dookie!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, no!
:''[Robotnik grabs hold of the Emerald and a wave of green energy surrounds him. The force knocks Sonic and Knuckles off of their feet]''
:'''Robotnik''': Chaos is power...!
:''[With his jacket turned black and the lenses on his goggles and the trim turned green, Robotnik and the Emerald disappear. The whole temple starts to collapse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic is washed on the beach, saved by Knuckles]''
:'''Sonic''': You saved me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[sits and frowns]'' Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood. ''[gets hit by a sandball from Sonic]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow?!
:'''Sonic''': ''[throws another sandball at Knuckles]'' Why did you save me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[throws a large sandball that almost completely buries Sonic]'' Because you saved me first, which clearly gave you a tactical advantage I do not understand.
:'''Sonic''': ''[shakes sand off of himself]'' It wasn't a tactic. I couldn't just let you die.
:'''Knuckles''': But why? I've been trying to destroy you since the moment we met.
:'''Sonic''': Because being a hero isn't about taking care of yourself, it's about taking responsibility for other people.
:'''Knuckles''': Wise words. An ancient Earth proverb?
:'''Sonic''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. I got it from a guy in a rowboat. Someone who means a lot to me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': Those were our best attacks, and they did nothing.
:'''Tails''': We can't beat Robotnik as long as he's got that emerald. He's too powerful.
:'''Sonic''': Look, we aren't strong enough to beat Robotnik on our own, but there's three of us. ''[to Knuckles]'' Your strength... ''[to Tails]'' ...Your smarts, and my speed, together. That's how we win.
:'''Knuckles''': So we make our stand here on the field of battle.
:'''Tails''': As a team!
:'''Sonic''': This is it. This is our moment!
:'''Robotnik''': Time to fight.
:'''Sonic''': Bad time to say this, but I don't actually have a plan. Tails, any ideas?
:'''Tails''': We have to find his weak spot.
:'''Knuckles''': I suggest the groin.
:'''Sonic''': What? No, no!
:'''Knuckles''': Traditionally, yes. The groin is the weakest spot.
:'''Sonic''': Stop saying &quot;groin&quot;.
:'''Robotnik''': Hedgehog!
:'''Sonic''': Look out! I know what his weak spot is, it's me! I'm the groin! Think about it! I live rent-free in this dude's head, so if I go out there and rile him up...
:'''Knuckles''': He'll focus on only you, leaving himself open to a flanking maneuver from me and the fox! Hedgehog, you are a brave and noble warrior! Go to your certain death with honor!
:'''Sonic''': We're going to have to work on your pep talks, pal.
:'''Tails''': Yeah.
:'''Sonic''': Let's go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': OK, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Robotnik has been defeated, Knuckles repairs the Master Emerald and brings it to Sonic and Tails]''
:'''Knuckles''': I've spent my entire life questing for this. Now I have it, now ''we'' have it. What can we do with it? What next?
:'''Tails''': There were once two orders of heroes who protected the galaxy from those who used the Emerald for evil.
:'''Knuckles''': But they've all passed on to the great battlefield in the sky.
:'''Sonic''': So we start a new order. The three of us.
:'''Knuckles''': This is no light task. We must make a vow: to use our powers to keep the universe safe, to watch out for each other; our new tribe.
:'''Tails''': Oh, I know! A power bump! ''[Holds out his fist]''
:'''Sonic''': Good idea! ''[Puts his fist against Tails', Knuckles looks at them confused]''
:'''Tails''': It's an Earth custom. An unbreakable promise.
:'''Knuckles''': Very well. A power bump it is. ''[Puts his fist against Sonic and Tails' fists]''
:'''Sonic''': POWER BUMP!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': ''[to Sonic before getting ice cream with Tails, Knuckles, Maddie and Ozzy]'' Oh, I'm happy for you, pal. You got your wingmen. Perfect friends they never grow up with.
:'''Tails''': Come on, Knuckles.
:'''Knuckles''': Ah, my victory chariot! ''[jumps into the back of the truck]''
:'''Sonic''': I got a lot more than that… Dad.
:''[Tom smiles at him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mid-credits scene]''
:'''Walters''': Agent, I want an update.
:'''Agent Faucet''': Still searching, sir. We haven't found any sign of Robotnik.
:'''Walters''': No one could've survived that crash. He's toast. Good riddance. What a mess that lunatic made.
:''[A masked G.U.N. solider walks behind the pair, pulling his mask down to reveal himself to be Stone with a scar on his face.]''
:'''Faucet''': Sir, there’s something else. When we were wiping Robotnik off our database, we found something — a file buried deep in our system and dating back [[Sonic Adventure 2|over 50 years]].
:'''Walters''': What was it?
:'''Faucet''': Coordinates, sir.
:'''Walters''': Coordinates... to what?
:''[Scene cuts to a laboratory, where a containment capsule is opening, revealing a dormant black and red hedgehog, resembling Sonic, inside it.]''
:'''Faucet''': ''[voice over]'' A secret research facility. It was a black site, sir. Someone worked very hard to keep this hidden.
:'''Walters''': ''[voice over; realizes]'' My god... [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Project Shadow]].
: ''[Shadow opens his eyes which ignite with energy]''

== Cast ==
* '''{{w|James Marsden}} – Tom Wachowski'''
* '''[[Jim Carrey]] – [[w:Doctor Eggman|Robotnik]]'''
* '''''{{w|Tika Sumpter}} – Maddie Wachowski'''''
* ''{{w|Natasha Rothwell}} – Rachel''
* '''''{{w|Adam Pally}} – Wade'''''
* {{w|Shemar Moore}} – Randall
* '''''{{w|Lee Majdoub}} – Stone'''''
* ''[[w:Tom Butler (actor)|Tom Butler]] – Walters''
* Melody Niemann – Jojo
* Sarah Surh – Agent Faucet

===Voices===
* '''{{w|Ben Schwartz}} – [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic]]'''
* '''''{{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}} – [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Tails]]'''''
* '''''[[Idris Elba]] – {{w|Knuckles the Echidna}}'''''
* {{w|Donna Jay Fulks}} – Longclaw

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
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[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about robots]]
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[[Category:Films about revenge]]
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[[Category:Films set in Hawaii]]
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[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 1</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 17|17]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 18|18]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 19|19]] [[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)/Season 20|20]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen (uncensored)|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [1.01] ===

:'''Elsie''': ''[about Chef Ramsay]'' He's like the Simon Cowell of the kitchen.
:'''Jessica''': He's way worse than Simon Cowell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': The time has come for the competitors' first encounter with Chef Ramsay and his legendary high standards. They have no idea what they're in for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Signature dishes]''
:'''Gordon''': I'm Gordon Ramsay, welcome to Hell's Kitchen. ''[uncovers a dish]'' Whose is this?
:'''Andrew''': ''[raises his hand]'' Andrew, Chef Ramsay.
:'''Gordon''': Andrew, step forward. And what is it?
:'''Andrew''': It's called Andrew's Absolute Penne.
:'''Gordon''': Andrew's Absolute Penne.
:'''Andrew''': Correct.
:'''Gordon''': ''[takes a taste of the dish and spits it out]'' That... is absolute dog shit. Have a little taste.
:'''Andrew''': ''[tastes the dish]'' Could use some salt.
:'''Gordon''': You think you're smart, yeah? 
:'''Andrew''': I have my moments.
:'''Gordon''': And how long have you been cooking?
:'''Andrew''': About ten years.
:'''Gordon''': What a waste of ten years. Get back in fucking line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Wendy after revealing her dish]'' Explain to me what it is, please.
:'''Wendy''': This is fried rice with Chinese sausage.
:'''Gordon''': Chinese sausage?
:'''Wendy''': Had I known you were coming, I would've put lobster in it.
:'''Gordon''': You knew I was coming. ''[on Jimmy's dish]'' Whose is that?
:'''Jimmy''': Jimmy.
:'''Gordon''': Step forward, big boy. And just explain to me what it is?
:'''Jimmy''': Pan-seared chicken breast stuffed with portobello mushroom and goat cheese.
:'''Gordon''': ''[holding Jimmy's dish]'' It looks like a dehydrated camel's turd.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, sir.
:'''Gordon''': What's all that on the side, here?
:'''Jimmy''': That's the tops of the carrot.
:'''Gordon''': Taste them.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[tastes]'' Quite bitter.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Quite bitter&quot;? I guess you want me to eat that? Hold out your hands. ''[throws part of Jimmy's dish with a fork]'' There you go. Alright, stand back. ''[tastes Jimmy's dish]'' Excuse me. ''[spits it out]'' It's dry, overcooked on the outside, raw on the inside. Back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': And whose is this?
:'''Ralph''': It's mine, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What is it?
:'''Ralph''': It's a seared rare tuna with some hot-and-cold sesame noodles.
:'''Gordon''': Mmm-hmm. And first name?
:'''Ralph''': Ralph.
:'''Gordon''': Why the hot-and-cold noodles?
:'''Ralph''': 'Cause I think they go good with the tuna. The tuna's got a little spice to it. So, it's a little cool with the noodle, but it's got a little flavor to it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[after tasting Ralph's dish]'' And you work professionally in a restaurant?
:'''Ralph''': That's true.
:'''Gordon''': And what position are you?
:'''Ralph''': I'm the number one.
:'''Gordon''': You're the number one? With that shit? Back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': First name?
:'''Dewberry''': Dewberry.
:'''Gordon''': Blueberry?
:'''Dewberry''': Dewberry.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, ''Dew''berry.
:'''Dewberry''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': ''[twirls spaghetti with a fork]'' This is what?
:'''Dewberry''': It's a baked spaghetti.
:''[Gordon holds up a clump of spaghetti with his fork; Dewberry looks frightened]''
:'''Dewberry''': (interview) I was like, &quot;Oh my God, he's gonna kill me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': It's completely overcooked. 
:'''Dewberry''': Is it?
:'''Gordon''': That's like children's food. Really bad.
:'''Dewberry''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[uncovers a dish]'' Bloody hell.
:'''Chris''': That's mine, chef. I'm Chris. Executive chef.
:'''Gordon''': Executive chef?
:'''Chris''': Executive chef.
:'''Gordon''': Can you explain to me what it is?
:'''Chris''': Salmon roasted on a plank of cedar. 
:'''Gordon''': I think ''you're'' a plank.
:'''Chris''': Well, I don't really know what that means, chef.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;Plank&quot; means, an idiot. ''[cuts into salmon]'' Why is it raw on the bottom?
:'''Chris''': It's medium rare. That's how I would eat my salmon.
:'''Gordon''': You need to clean your glasses. It's raw.
:'''Chris''': I don't agree, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Let me tell you something. And listen to me. You've got a lot to learn, so be a good plank and get back in line. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ralph hands Gordon the first ticket of the night]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Ralph]'' Now disappear.
:'''Ralph''': Yes, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Blue Kitchen, on order four covers, table 22. One risotto, two spaghetti, one soup, no cheese.
:'''Michael''': Yes, chef.
:''[The other four stand there and say nothing]''
:'''Gordon''': That was pathetic! That was absolutely pathetic! I call out the first ticket, the big excitement and you stand there like five wimps. Five bloody wimps. I'll start again: Four covers, table 22. One risotto, two spaghetti, one soup, no cheese.
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Now the red kitchen's first entrées are about to go out. All that's left is a piece of salmon from the most experienced chef on the red team.
:'''Gordon''': Chris.
:'''Chris''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Come here. You're an executive chef, right?
:'''Chris''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah? What do you think of that?
:'''Chris''': It's a little fucked up, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[shoves the fish onto Chris' chest]'' There you go. Sorry. I told you fucking earlier, hello? And you knew it's fucked up.
:'''Chris''': You're right, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah? And an executive chef doesn't serve shit like that, do they?
:'''Chris''': I apologize, chef.
:'''Gordon''': No, no, ''you'' apologize. Don't you DO it again! Okay?
:'''Chris''': I'll start it again, chef. (interview) I haven't gotten where I am today without having skills. I think Gordon recognizing talent is going to come with time.
:'''Gordon''': Send the whole fucking table back. The executive chef has just sent me an overcooked piece of fuck. (interview) Chris has a huge chip on his shoulder. He's an executive chef which basically means you sit on your arse all day long. And clearly he's been doing that for the last ten years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Jimmy]''
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, come here. ''[shows to Jimmy that the lamb was mangled]'' What have you done to that? Does that look good to you?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So if it doesn't look good to you, why are you serving it to me? That looks like a dog dinner. And you want me to serve that in there? And you want to walk away winning a restaurant?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[dumps the lamb onto Jimmy's whites]'' Fuck yourself. Get it in the bin. Get that shit out of there. How can you do that? What do we talk about standards? What do we say about if it's not right...?
:'''Jimmy''': If it doesn't look right, it doesn't go out.
:'''Gordon''': So you want that to go out?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is that your best shot?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': And what are you going to think of me tomorrow morning if you watched me serve that? You're going to think I'm the biggest arsehole in America. Aren't you?
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': And you expect me to serve that?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, for as long as I'm alive, big boy, I'm never going to serve that shit! (interview) My reputation's on the line. And I didn't come to America to look second-best. (to Jimmy) Start it again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''': How does this look, Chef Ramsay?
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, &quot;How does this look?&quot; Hey, Andrew, get out the habit - come here, you. I'm not going to run to you, I'm trying to run the hotplate here. So would you be so kind to come and talk to me. Is that clear?
:'''Andrew''': (interview) I firmly believe that Chef Ramsay just doesn't like me. ''[to Gordon]'' Is this acceptable, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, listen to me, did you hear my fucking question?!
:'''Andrew''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Answer it! Okay?
:'''Andrew''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Good! Now what are you saying?
:'''Andrew''': I'm asking if this looks acceptable.
:'''Gordon''': Right, get it on the hotplate.
:'''Andrew''': (interview) You - you want to pick on me? Pick on me, I don't give a shit!
:'''Gordon''': And you think every time you want to ask me a question, fat fuck, that I'm going to go down there and run to you while I'm trying to run a kitchen. You fucking come to me. Is that clear?
:'''Andrew''': Yes, it is, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good! Now what was the question?
:'''Andrew''': Is this acceptable to you?
:'''Gordon''': I'll let you know. Now fuck off. (interview) Andrew, he likes to learn the hard way. Kitchens are run on emotions. I may get upset, but the most important thing is, it's not personal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lady''': Chef? Mr. Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Yes, ladies?
:'''Lady''': You hurt my friend's feelings.
:'''Gordon''': I hurt your friend's feelings?
:'''Lady''': Yes, she's very upset.
:'''Gordon''': Why?
:'''Lady''': Because you told her to fuck off.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, really? Did I?
:'''Lady''': Yeah, you did.
:'''Gordon''': Could you tell her that I meant it?
:'''Lady''': Yeah, I'll tell her.
:'''Gordon''': Jean-Philippe, ''S'il vous plaît''? Can you please escort these bimbos back to plastic surgery?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a dismal opening night, Chef Ramsay has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': Blue team, stop what you're doing. Stop what you're doing. Forget it. ''[crosses over to the red kitchen]'' Red Team?
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off. I'm shutting down the kitchen. I'm so pissed off, I'm not prepared to see any more fuck food coming out. SHUT IT THE FUCK DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Jeff, your performance as a waiter? Nobody liked you. In fact, two out of three of your tables walked out early.
:'''Jeff''': It was just a horrific, horrific experience.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to win your own restaurant?

=== Episode Two [1.02] ===
:'''Gordon''': Spinach, please. ''[to Jeff]'' Spinach, please!
:'''Jeff''': ''[looks around]'' Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God.
:'''Jeff''': I had it! I—
:'''Gordon''': &quot;I had it.&quot; Here we go.
:'''Jeff''': I did! I put it back on, I didn't realize—
:'''Gordon''': Just give me the fucking spinach, Jeff! ''[points at pass]'' Look, there's the food! 
:'''Jeff''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hello?! It's there! (interview) You can't have the meat standing there or the fish sat there waiting for the vegetables. Why should everything else suffer? ''[to Jeff]'' Can you not see that that is burnt? 
:'''Jeff''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[scoops out burnt mashed potatoes]'' Yeah, so you're mixing away like a fucking donkey. 
:'''Jeff''': I was keeping that on the other side, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, really?
:'''Jeff''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Throw the lot away. Start again, yeah?
:'''Jeff''': Yes, chef. ''[puts pot underneath stove]''
:'''Gordon''': ''Throw that away.''
:'''Jeff''': It's going in the garbage, yes.
:'''Gordon''': Now! That means you won't use it. You won't sneak it in?
:'''Jeff''': No, not at all, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Throw it away, then, you little fucker! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A man comes up to the hot plate]''
:'''Gordon''': You're waiting on a wellington and one bass, yes? Well I'm deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, but right now we're about seven tables behind.
:'''Man''': That doesn't do much for me.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Can I just say you do fuck all for me either.
:'''Man''': Sorry?
:'''Gordon''': You do nothing for me either.
:'''Man''': I just don't understand why it's so difficult to serve some people their food.
:'''Gordon''': Are you that arrogant you haven't got a clue of what's going on behind me?
:'''Man''': It seems like you have a lot of amateur sous chefs.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Finally your head's coming outside your arsehole. Now sit down, you fucking dick. What an arsehole!
:'''Narrator''': Nothing upsets Chef Ramsay more than when customers come to the kitchen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Away now, two cod, two wellington. ''[Dewberry doesn't answer]'' Away now, two cod, two wellington!
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How long?
:'''Dewberry''': 12 minutes.
:'''Gordon''': 12 minutes? Surely, your wellington's rested.
:'''Dewberry''': I have no idea. That's the answer.
:'''Gordon''': What?!
:'''Dewberry''': I have no idea, I am so confused.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! You don't care any more do you?
:'''Dewberry''': At this point, no, I don't.
:'''Gordon''': You don't care? 
:'''Dewberry''': No.
:'''Gordon''': You're not interested, are you?
:'''Dewberry''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No, you can't cut it?
:'''Dewberry''': No, I can't.
:'''Gordon''': You're useless, you know that?
:'''Dewberry''': I am. Goodbye! ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Gordon''': Goodbye. That's it?
:'''Chris''': Dewberry!
:'''Jeff''': Dewberry! Come on!
:''[Dewberry sees Elsie, and then stops by the door]''
:'''Dewberry''': (interview) When I got ready to leave and I looked across, and saw Elsie, and saw the look on her face, I couldn't walk out. I couldn't. ''[coming back]'' I mean, you know, I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you for coming back. You never—Hello? Desert your section again! You understand?
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': You stand there like a man and you face it!
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Because I'm standing here in front of customers taking fuck because of you!
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get on your section and get those wellingtons out.
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef. (interview) He was trying to get me to understand what the shortcomings were and about staying with the team and.. he was trying to get me to be, I guess, better than I am evidently. ''[wipes away tears]''
:'''Jeff''': Alright. Don't worry about it, Dewberry. Don't worry about it.
:'''Gordon''': He (Dewberry) hasn't cooked anything because he's standing there. Now, he wants to run back to his mummy.
:'''Dewberry''': Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Three hours into dinner service, patrons from both red and blue tables start to walk out unfed. It appears the second dinner service in Hell's Kitchen is yet again, another disaster, and some customers have taken matters into their own hands
:''[A delivery man holding two boxes of pizza is led by a woman into the dining room, causing some customers to begin cheering]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[to diners at a table who have begun opening the pizza boxes]'' S-Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can't.
:'''Male Diner''': What? 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': No.
:'''Male Diner''': Don't tell me I can't.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': No, no, seriously.
:'''Male Diner''': Look, I want some food, man.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You can't. By, by, by law, by law...
:'''Male Diner''': Did you bring us our entrées? Let me ask you-
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You got the food, you got the food.
:'''Male Diner''': No, you did not.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I wish your education could be as good as your... as your voice, yeah?
:''[Some nearby customers react with surprise, and the male diner looks annoyed and gets in Jean-Philippe's face]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes, sir.
:'''Male Diner''': I have a doctorate in music from the University of Southern California. Do you have a doctorate?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I do have an education.
:'''Male Diner''': Do you have a doctorate?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I do have an education.
:'''Male Diner''': Then, you are less educated than me so don't get in ''[aggressively pokes Jean-Philippe]'' ''my'' face, buddy, about what kind of education-
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I would, I would-
:'''Crew Member''': ''[leads Jean-Philippe away from the man]'' Hey, hey, right now, right now, right now, right now. ''[to the man]'' Sir, you're out of here. Let's leave, please. Now.
:'''Narrator''': After pizza was delivered and his maître d' was assaulted, Chef Ramsay has seen enough.
:'''Gordon''': Red Team, shut the place down and clean down, yeah?
:'''Red Team''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[crosses over to the blue kitchen]'' Last table, shut it down. Everything off, yes? Stoves off, turn it off.
:'''Jessica''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Red Team, three quarters of your diners really enjoyed the appetizers... but nearly half your diners didn't receive their main course. In fact—and this is a real first for me—one of your tables was so frustrated, they phoned for a fucking pizza. And guess what? They ate it! And the main course still hadn't come out! That is one not to forget. And the losing team tonight... is the Red Team. ''[pause; to Chris]'' Chris, have you been squeezing your balls for the last three days? 'Cause every time you opened your mouth, you sounded like a right wanker. But tonight, you turned it around.
:'''Chris''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You were the least bad in your Red Team. 
:'''Chris''': Thanks, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dewberry, You're going home for one simple reason. You're a coward. You turned your back on your team after you screwed them.

=== Episode Three [1.03] ===
:''[During the five-course meal challenge]''
:'''Michael''': ''[removes dome]'' I have a grilled porterhouse.
:''[Gordon notices mushrooms carved out to look like the Hell's Kitchen logo next to the steak]''
:'''Gordon''': Michael, you smart-arse. ''[some of the contestants laugh]'' What is that out of?
:'''Michael''': It's mushroom.
:'''Gordon''': Mushroom?
:'''Michael''': Yeah.
:'''Gordon''': Next you're going to tell me you got that tattooed on your butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why's the spaghetti not in there yet?
:'''Wendy Liu''': The water's not at a rolling boil.
:'''Gordon''': Not boiling? Did you top it up with cold water?
:'''Wendy Liu''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Why did you put cold water in there?
:'''Wendy Liu''': I thought that cold water was supposed to boil faster than hot water.
:'''Gordon''': What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Jeff, one spaghetti lobster with no lobster in it. The other is loaded with lobster. Wear that one out! 
:''[Michael steps in and splits the spaghetti lobster for Jeff]''
:'''Narrator''': Chef Ramsay's addition of Michael to the red team is already paying off.
:'''Maryann''': ''[to Jeff]'' Say, &quot;Thank you Mike.&quot; Say, &quot;Thank you Mike!&quot;
:'''Jeff''': Thank you, Mike. ''[under his breath]'' They're expecting too much for someone who's never been on a fucking line before.
:'''Maryann''': Jeff, do you want him to cook your meat for you, too?
:'''Jeff''': What do you want me to do?! I've never been on a FUCKING line before! I'm doing it, I'm trying!
:'''Chris North''': Jeff, Jeff!
:'''Maryann''': Are you fucking talking to me, right now?! Are you?
:'''Gordon''': Whoa, whoa! What is going on?
:'''Jeff''': I'm trying the best I can!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you!
:'''Jeff''': I'm doing the best I can, but I've never been on a line before! I'm doing the best I can!
:'''Gordon''': Alright, stop shouting. Stop shouting. What are we waiting on?
:'''Jeff''': I'm working on that spaghetti right now.
:'''Gordon''': Alright, then. Move your arse, and get it done! Dear, oh dear...
:'''Chris North''': Jeff, we're gonna help you, but you don't talk to chef like that, okay?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Main course: Two wellington, one lamb, one bass.
:'''Jeff''': It's away, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, is Michael doing it or are you actually doing it?
:'''Jeff''': Michael was helping me, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Alright. So, what are you doing then if he's doing that for you?
:'''Jeff''': He jumped in ahead of me! I was working on it, and he pushed me aside to help me! ''[Gordon looks at him in disbelief]'' I'm working.
:'''Gordon''': Now, he's blaming Michael.
:'''Jeff''': I'm not blaming anybody, chef!
:'''Gordon''': The longer you're here, the worse you're getting.
:'''Jeff''': Chef, this is my first time on the line!
:'''Gordon''': Do you wanna argue?
:'''Jeff''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you. You've cooked nothing exact yet. Nothing has come out of that kitchen right yet, you know that? We've struggled, and we've struggled, and we've struggled... and now I can't even get any lamb cooked! Well your fucking timing, you jumped-up motherfucker, has just stuffed the dining room! We've thirty customers not eating! Now, fuck off back on your section!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff has been struggling throughout dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[reading the ticket]'' Two salmon, one bass, one cod, one lamb away. The lamb is medium, one salmon well done. You mark it and get it in the oven!
:'''Michael''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Five minutes to the hotplate! 
:'''Chris''': Yes, chef! ''[to Jeff]'' Jeff, you heard that (last order)?
:'''Jeff''': No, I'm done, man. I'm finished.
:'''Chris''': No you're not! Come back, Jeff!
:'''Gordon''': Are you going to go then? Are you going to run?
:'''Jeff''': No, I'm going to stay and finish up service.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, really. Why?
:'''Jeff''': Because I'm not a quitter.
:'''Gordon''': You're not a quitter. Hey, you're not a fucking cook either. ''[returns to the pass]''
:'''Jeff''': ''[under his breath]'' You're an asshole.
:'''Maryann''': What was that? What did you just say? I want you to say it louder! I want you to say it louder, Jeff!
:'''Gordon''': Come here. What did you say?
:'''Jeff''': If you don't like me, I don't know what to tell you. You're an asshole!
:'''Chris''': That's not cool, Jeff.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable.
:'''Chris''': That is not fucking cool.
:'''Jeff''': ''[takes his jacket off and leaves the kitchen]'' Send my ass home. I've had enough of this shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During elimination, the blue team nominated Wendy and Andrew]''
:'''Gordon''': Andrew, why do you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Andrew''': Well, I know we had our disagreement this evening.
:'''Gordon''': &quot;We had a disagreement this evening?&quot; You cooked a fucking salty risotto and sent it up to the hotplate! Start again! Why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?!
:'''Andrew''': I'm a team player, I help out, I run around. I'm constantly driving to help the team.
:'''Gordon''': This is a really tough decision... because you're ''both'' crap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Jeff, well, I had to laugh at the end when he called me an asshole. I've been called far worse than that! Wendy, well, you know it's about time I put you out of your misery.

=== Episode Four [1.04] ===
:''[At 2:48 A.M., Ralph and Andrew are still outside on the patio while everyone else is asleep]''
:'''Ralph''': Are you trying to achieve the role of smartass?
:'''Andrew''': Alright, fine, I'm a smartass! I got a big mouth and I stood up for what I believed tonight!
:'''Ralph''': But is that the role you want?
:'''Andrew''': No, absolutely not.
:'''Ralph''': So then, put all that smartass shit away, man. If you don't wanna be under the guillotine, then just shut your fucking mouth, man. (interview) Bottom line is, you gotta check your ego at the door when you walk in the kitchen, and Andrew needs to understand that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While hanging out with the rest of the contestants in the dorms, Elsie notices something in the distance and gets up to get a better look]''
:'''Elsie''': Did you see that? Did you see the billboard?! 
:'''Andrew''': What?
:'''Elsie''': It's Ramsay! ''[points at billboard with Gordon's face]'' Look!
:'''Jessica''': Oh, my fucking God! ''[everyone starts laughing hysterically]'' No fucking way! 
:'''Elsie''': He's staring right at me.
:'''Jimmy''': I saw his eye just fucking move.
:'''Jessica''': He's totally watching us! I can see his left eye from here.
:'''Chris''': Yes, chef.
:'''Jessica''': Hey, big boy.
:'''Chris''': Oui, chef. Oui, chef. 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, shit!
:'''Jessica''': Dude, that is not right! Like, I'm freaking out about that! 
:'''Jimmy''': Dude, that's fucking crazy.
:'''Andrew''': He'll call us a wanker from up above. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon brings back mashed potatoes that Jimmy brought to the pass]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, taste that. ''[pause]'' Hurry up, Jimmy! It's stone-cold! 
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Back in the pan, it's stone-cold! 
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I said to you this afternoon you were done! Get it in the pan, hurry up!
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Why are you sending me stone-cold garnish? ''[Jimmy doesn't respond]'' Why are you serving me stone-cold garnish?! 
:'''Jimmy''': I—I'm just...
:'''Gordon''': Stop!
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Michael]'' Let's go, yeah?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm trying my best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, young man. That's not good enough for me. Do you understand?
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': 'Cause that's shit! So, don't come up to me with your wimpy, &quot;I'm trying my best!&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's CRAP! You send me one more cold garnish, you're washing pans for the rest of your life! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you'll never get a cold garnish again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Andrew, where is the endive? ''[Andrew ignores Gordon and returns to his station]'' He doesn't even answer me.
:'''Andrew''': The what?
:'''Ralph''': Endive. Where's the endive?
:'''Gordon''': Where is the endive?! 
:'''Andrew''': Here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off. Ralph, get it back, yeah? Get it back. I've got no endive, I've got no spinach, I've got no no butternut squash! START THE TABLE AGAIN! Andrew, hello!
:'''Andrew''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, you! Fish is not even cooked yet, so I don't know what you're doing! Hello, young man! 
:'''Andrew''': Yes, chef, I'm listening! 
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, young man! ''[points at Jean-Philippe]'' You explain to him what just happened with the garnish! Now!
:'''Andrew''': ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' I was late on the garnish. We're re-doing the whole order.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, Table 26, yes? Apologize. Ticket came in an hour and five minutes ago. I couldn't send anything out because a certain individual had nothing ready on the vegetables, okay?! Let's step up a gear, and get it back on track, please!
:'''Jessica &amp; Mary Ellen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (interview) When Andrew kept his mouth shut and didn't bite back, the discipline was now starting to set in, and he's really starting to get the message. Finally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just thirty minutes remaining, Mary Ellen in the blue kitchen gets her risottos back up to par, and the blue kitchen is cooking now... Or are they?
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Mary Ellen]'' Where is the tuna? 
:'''Mary Ellen''': Tuna? 
:'''Gordon''': Frog legs, tuna, spaghetti, risotto. Where's the tuna?
:'''Mary Ellen''': Coming up.
:'''Gordon''': No, but where is it?! Have you forgotten it?
:'''Mary Ellen''': I thought it was frog legs, risotto...
:'''Gordon''': Look, come here! Come here, Mary Ellen, look! ''[points at ticket]'' Frog legs, tuna, spaghetti, risotto! Read it out! ''Where is the tuna?!''
:'''Mary Ellen''': It's gonna be two minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Two minutes. Hello, starters back! ''[notices waiter bring risotto to hotplate]'' Oh, here we go. I'm taking any of that fucking bullshit, yeah? ''[hands tray to Mary Ellen]'' There you go, Mary Ellen! There you go! Take that, yeah? Take the whole fucking tray! 
:'''Mary Ellen''': (interview) He sent back that whole dish because the tuna wasn't prepared. I'm so fucking mad right now. I just wanna punch him in the face. 
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mary Ellen! We're gonna start again! 
:'''Jessica''': Six minutes on that, Mary Ellen.
:'''Mary Ellen''': Sorry, guys. 
:'''Jessica''': Just do it right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mary Ellen has left Hell's Kitchen because of her inconsistency. What the rest of the team should understand, is that it is very crucial to get better and more consistent. That didn't happen with Mary Ellen.

=== Episode Five [1.05] ===
:'''Narrator''': Forty minutes into the second dinner service...
:'''Gordon''': Where's Jimmy?
:'''Narrator''': ...and Jimmy's hard work on the floor produces an unappetizing side effect.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to female diner]'' What can I do for you tonight, miss?
:'''Female Diner''': What's going on? You're sweating? Oh, my God!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles; wipes forehead]'' I'm sorry about that.
:'''Female Diner''': Are you guys in trouble?
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': I'm getting yelled at, I'm getting pissed.
:'''Gordon''': Where is that fat fuck? 
:'''Male Diner''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Wipe your sweat.
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry. I'll see what I can do.
:'''Male Diner''': Alright, Jimmy.
:'''Female Diner''': ''[laughs]'' He's kind of sweating like a boar!
:''[As he walks downstairs, Jimmy starts dropping napkins everywhere]''
:'''Gordon''': JIMMY! Oh, look at him. Fucking hell. What is he doing? Like an inflated turd in a fucking cloud. Jimmy! Come on, big boy! Let's go! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe finds out that Jimmy served a tortellini order to the wrong table]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[to female diner]'' Okay, tortellini and a soup. Madam, monsieur? 
:'''Female Diner''': Uh, two tortellini.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Two tortellini's. Okay, we have a problem here. ''[to Jimmy]'' Can you go see Gordon with the tray?
:''[Jimmy walks back to the pass with JP]''
:'''Gordon''': Let's go. What's going on here?
:'''Jimmy''': I need one more tortellini.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean, &quot;one more tortellini?!&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': I delivered it to the wrong table, the last one.
:'''Gordon''': What is going on?
:'''Jimmy''': (Table) 23 had gotten the two tortellini before.
:'''Gordon''': Where have they gone, then?! 
:'''Jimmy''': They ate them at the wrong table.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! No! 
:'''Ralph''': I have extra.
:'''Gordon''': I just want four tortellini from you, Ralph! NOTHING FUCKING MORE! ''[to Jimmy]'' Where have those two tortellini gone?
:'''Jimmy &amp; Michael''': 24, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable! Fucking pathetic! ''[to Jimmy]'' Go for a walk and lose some weight.
:''[Jean-Philippe sees Jimmy scratching the back of his head and pulls him aside]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Jimmy, stop touching yourself!
:'''Jimmy''': I was just scratching my head.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Just stop! Don't touch your hair! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I'm sorry.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Don't touch your face!! 
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry. I had the rag in my hand.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Stop touching yourself! 
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Please! 
:'''Jimmy''': Alright, I'm sorry.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Come on!

=== Episode Six [1.06] ===
:''[During the tasting challenge]''
:'''Gordon''': Andrew, can you hear me, you jumped-up little politician, can you hear me? ''[contestants chuckle]'' Oh good, that's working. Jimmy, what's it like to be slim? He definitely can't hear me.
:''[Later]'': 
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, don't eat my fingers.
:'''Andrew''': Feels like chicken, tastes like chicken...
:'''Gordon''': So, what is it?
:'''Andrew''': Chicken.
:'''Jimmy''': It tasted like a meat tortellini with a bit of sweated onions in the background.
:'''Gordon''': Jesus Christ! ''[Gordon doubles over, contestants chuckle]'' That was chicken, you twat!
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, okay.
:'''Elsie''': Tortellini, where in the fuck does he get tortellini from?
:''[During Michael and Ralph's tasting of sweetbreads]''
:'''Gordon''': What is it Ralph?
:'''Ralph''': Beef with fat, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sweetbreads.
:'''Ralph''': Ahhh... That's beef and fatty!
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Michael]'' What was that?
:'''Michael''': It's something awful, man. Something from a cow that I shouldn't be eating. It tastes like a brain or something like that. I don't know. ''[Gordon laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Blue Team's storeroom has been locked for tonight's service. Once they unlock it and take the chickens out, Andrew tries to tape the latch of the door right when Scott passes by.]''
:'''Scott Leibfried''': What are you doing? Get that fucking tape off of there. Now get the fuck back in there! You think I'm fucking stupid?! I'm not stupid like you. Come here. You fucking guys fuck it up, and you get a punishment you don't fucking break it so it works for you. You blew it, pay the consequences! Got it?
:'''Andrew''': Yes, chef.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Why don't you try being as serious as these people are on your team instead of being a jerk? ''[takes the chickens back into the storeroom]''
:'''Ralph''': Chef, I'm going to break those down right now.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': No you're not, because Andrew just ruined it for you because he was taping the door. When you need them you got to come in here and get one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Diners ordered from both kitchens, meaning they had to deliver their entrées together, but the blue team was lagging behind and caused diners at the same table to not receive their food at the same time]''
:'''Gordon''': Service? ''[sees Andrew wiping his forehead]'' Five covers-don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. Five covers, Table 1: One pear salad, one agnolotti. Main course: One chicken, one halibut. Desserts pickup please.
:'''Jessica''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Can you not just see, Andrew, right now, what's going on? When I'm talking out and reading an order out, let me read the order out, then you say. What is the matter?
:'''Andrew''': I need six minutes on the hotplate for the halibut; they're not cooking fast enough. I don't wanna give you raw fish, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hello, young man?
:'''Andrew''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm trying to expedite both kitchens together and this is turning out to be a nightmare. If I say it's three minutes to the hotplate, then it's three minutes to the hotplate, okay?
:'''Andrew''': (interview) It wasn't difficult to poach the halibut. It just wasn't about to get done in ''four minutes''. It just was—it's not chemically possible to cook that halibut in four minutes, bottom line. Science doesn't allow it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ralph and Andrew are up for elimination]''
:'''Gordon''': Andrew.
:'''Andrew''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?
:'''Andrew''': ''[referring to Ralph's halibut dish that was put on the blue team's menu]'' I don't take responsibility for that dish. I can't walk out of here for the wrong reasons.
:'''Ralph''': You know what? Andrew was responsible for preparing that dish. That halibut required three ingredients to be spot-on. But I would think that he would've cared more about the dish previous to service than to figure it out during it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[pause]'' Well, I think it's really important that you're both honest, because I'm standing here fucking confused.
:'''Andrew''': Jess brought up a good point of being a team player–having a team and working within that team–and I have to tell you the honest truth that right now, I feel like I'm on the Ralph team. And that's not a good feeling because I don't feel like I'm able to put myself in there and show myself and prove it! Because that dish wasn't me, it wasn't mine, it wasn't what I wanted. If I had served what I wanted, you know what, Jessica may not have had to make that decision whatsoever tonight.
:'''Ralph''': ''[to Gordon]'' Chef, I never asked for it to become, as Andrew says, &quot;Ralph's team.&quot; However, the team led a burden of work to be put on my shoulders. I prepared the dishes that I had to prepare today, two of the appetizers, two of the desserts. I executed 23 of the entrées, I did my job. No shortcuts, no crying, just doing it like a pro. I am strong in the kitchen–stronger than Andrew–and from there, you make your call.
:'''Andrew''': Can I say one more thing?
:'''Gordon''': You know, from the first day I met you, Andrew, you're not the kind of big-headed, arrogant little twat that likes to be steamrolled. Now you're telling me that Ralph manipulated your dish into becoming a poached halibut?
:'''Andrew''': Chef, it's like I said—
:'''Gordon''': Andrew, give me your jacket.
:''[Andrew gives his jacket to Gordon, then waves to the red team and gives Ralph and Jessica hugs good-bye]''
:'''Jessica''': Take care.
:'''Andrew''': You, too. (interview) Maybe, I wasn’t as successful in the kitchen, but I gotta tell you, I think I had more integrity tonight. I spoke for myself, I stood up for myself, you know, and I... I said what needed to be said.

=== Episode Seven [1.07] ===
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, You won the challenge yesterday. You get to decide the person who will be serving the Caesar salad and fruit flambé tableside.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, Jesus.
:'''Gordon''': Sorry, who was that? Jesus? No. ''[contestants laugh]'' 
:'''Ralph''': He didn't make it to the final five.
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Right now.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Since Elsie was the second best, I'll choose her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Jess, while you want to give a big attitude, I've got to go back out there and fucking tell him. Unfold your fucking arms right now, and don't dare start getting fucking chippy or lippy or fucking pissy with me.
:'''Jessica''': I'm not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We've got a massive problem now, and we've got no fucking filet steak!
:'''Jessica''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': I've got twenty-seven on order. How many of you got?
:'''Jessica''': I... listen, I'm trying to tell you, Scott put them back there.
:'''Gordon''': HOW MANY HAVE YOU GOT?!
:'''Jessica''': Two!
:'''Gordon''': Two?! I hope you're fucking joking! Can I just send this food here? Get back on your section and talk to me!
:'''Jessica''': I sent it! ''[raising her arms]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hello! 
:'''Jessica''': I'm trying to talk to you! 
:'''Gordon''': What's this?! ''[raises arms in a mocking gesture]'' GET BACK ON YOUR SECTION!
:'''Jessica''': I'm here.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, then. Hello, missy, what do you suggest for the twenty-seven filets on order? ''[Michael walks out of the blue kitchen]''
:'''Jessica''': What I'm trying to suggest, chef, is that they must be somewhere here, and I'm gonna go try to find them.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, well, disappear and fucking look for them, then! 
:''[Cut to the storeroom, where Michael opens a fridge]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Jessica]'' But do you know what?! Hello! It's the way you just don't care about it! The way everything's just—
:'''Jessica''': I ''do'' care about it!
:'''Gordon''': You're not even sweating, you're walking around, you're like this. ''[mockingly raises his arms again]'' 
:'''Jessica''': I do! I'm really upset about it! 
:'''Gordon''': You're upset? Oh, fuck off! 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, come on.
:''[Jessica leaves the kitchen when Michael comes back with more filets]''
:'''Michael''': Chef, I got steaks.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, well, get her. Where is she?
:'''Ralph''': She's gonna come back on the line. I got it.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. ''[throws towel]'' What a fucking pile of idiots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Jimmy]'' Where's your risotto? ''[Jimmy ignores him]'' No answer. Where's the—
:'''Jimmy''': I—I don't have it on. I'm getting it on now.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty. ''[crouches down and facepalms]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': I'll—I'll get it for you, chef. I'll have it ready.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me! It's the customers, big boy! 
:'''Jimmy''': I'll have it ready for the customer in two and a half minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, are you enjoying this right now?! 
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Gordon''': THIS IS FUCKING PAINFUL! 
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Jimmy, it's gotta relax on there. Why are you putting that sauce on there, why are you putting chicken stock on there?
:'''Jimmy''': It's, uh, fish stock.
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting that over there like that?
:'''Jimmy''': It—it's not—It doesn't—
:'''Gordon''': I saw you over there, I saw you going—
:'''Jimmy''': I did do it!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey, listen, listen. Don't fucking start shouting your fat mouth at me. Hey—Hey look at me. So I'm asking you why you're putting fucking fish stock on a fucking risotto! GET IT OFF! Because I think it's a bit bizarre that you finished it and you get a ladle of fish stock like that and you put it over the risotto! So I'm asking you and you refuse to tell me! THEN, you will open your fat fucking mouth! So why is it on there? 
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why isn't the fish in the pan? ''[Jimmy doesn't respond]'' ''Why isn't the fish—''
:'''Jimmy''': I'M TRYING TO FUCKING DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME! What do you want me to do?!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you. Come here, you.
:'''Jimmy''': No!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean no?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm trying to do both at the same time.
:'''Gordon''': Just calm down. Just calm fucking down.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm trying to do both at the same time.
:'''Gordon''': Are you about to crack?
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking shout at me. What are you going to do?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm going to stay and finish.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down—while I'm standing here pissed off—what about those fucking customers there then?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm trying for them.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Talk to me properly or fuck off! Is that clear?
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Is the fish in the pan?
:'''Jimmy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the pan!
:'''Jimmy''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees Jessica's pan catching fire]'' Oh, fuck's sake! Jessica, what are you ''doing''? Shut it down, yes? ''[the remaining chefs groan]'' Yeah, and I'm going to tell you why I'm going to shut it down, okay? Because two individuals let me down here tonight, you (Jimmy) were one of them and you (Jessica) were the other one. And you think that is bad, I'll tell you what, if you'll ever going to to make it. You'll have to take a lot more pressure than that. Shut it down. ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' Tell the customers, I'm closing the place down.

=== Episode Eight [1.08] ===
:''[Michael, Ralph, and Jessica rant about Elsie getting a live television reward while they prep the kitchen]''
:'''Michael''': Next challenge, we should all make chicken soup.
:'''Jessica''': Yeah, um... Don't get me pissed off about it again, Michael. 
:'''Michael''': Sewer water soup.
:'''Ralph''': With the bone in it. 
:'''Jessica''': Yeah, with the bone on it, soggy wet in the soup. Sounds fucking appetizing. Should've made her (Elsie) eat one of those things. 
:'''Ralph''': Oh, snap! (interview) Right now, while Elsie's over at the studio making hob-nobbin with everybody over there, we're putting the axe to the grind. Myself, Jessica, and Michael are all doing the work of five people as three. ''[to Michael and Jessica]'' Are you gonna make a risotto now? She's on TV, and I'm cooking a risotto. 
:'''Michael''': You gonna carry her tonight?
:'''Ralph''': Nope. ''[chuckles]'' 
:'''Michael''': (interview) You know, me and Ralph sort of joked about, like, not carrying Elsie because a lot of people have been doing a lot of stuff for her. The truth is, which station you're at, you're freaking responsible for that. So, tonight is definitely &quot;put up or shut up&quot; for Elsie. 
:'''Ralph''': Good Day Live! Ugh, it's killing me now! 
:'''Jessica''': Yeah, I should've won it, Ralph. If you look at what I made... I won.
:'''Ralph''': You're killing me, Jess. Hey, Jess, what are you gonna do if Elsie's in the weeds tonight in the garnish station?
:'''Jessica''': If what?
:'''Ralph''': Elsie's in the weeds in the garnish station.
:'''Jessica''': Nothing. ''[Ralph laughs]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[Jean-Philippe enters the kitchen]'' Right. Hello! Come here now, yeah? Yes Elsie, you're pissed off, you should see what's going through my mind right now. ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' How many tables have walked out?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Two tables, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm not going to agonise the pain any longer and if you think I'm going to stand here for the next hour, busting a gut, to get the filet, to get the halibut, then to get the veg, then to get the chicken without the sauce, then to get the sauce without the chicken, BANG! I've had enough! Shut it down!

=== Episode Nine [1.09] ===

:'''Gordon''': ''[on making a soufflé]'' When they work, it's a dream come true. But when they don't work, it's a huge disappointment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ralph''': (interview) When we saw these last five tickets counted down. It was like the countdown to the new millenium.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Michael is on the pass on Chef Ramsay's leadership test]''
:'''Gordon''': (interview) Michael, he hadn't said anything to any of his team, then all of a sudden he put his head down and he turned 'round at them and said...
:'''Michael Wray''': You guys cook like old people fuck!
:'''Gordon''': (interview) And I thought, &quot;My God! That came out of the blue.&quot; You know, I wouldn't expect something like that to come out of his mouth.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Yes, chef!
:'''Maryann''': Thank you, chef.
:''[Chef Ramsay laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ralph is on the pass on Chef Ramsay's leadership test]''
:'''Narrator''': With Ralph excelling at the pass, Michael is looking to expose any weaknesses Ralph may have.
:'''Michael Wray''': ''[quietly, to Scott]'' Trying to see how many can go without having crab in them.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': What the fuck are you talking about?
:'''Michael Wray''': My risottos. (interview) I wanted to make risottos the whole night without crab. I was just seeing what I could slip past Ralph tonight.
:'''Gordon''': Ralph, you have to taste.
:'''Ralph''': I tasted it.
:'''Michael Wray''': (interview) In my head I was just sort of laughing like I can't believe he's letting them go like that.
:'''Ralph''': Uh, Jean-Pierre? Away please table 34?
:'''Gordon''': Jean-''Philippe''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (interview) He keeps on calling me &quot;Jean-Pierre&quot;. My name is Jean-Philippe, I've been working now for so many weeks with the man and he keeps on calling me &quot;Jean-Pierre&quot;, I mean, I'm gonna kill him.
:'''Narrator''': Ralph failed to notice that the crab risotto is missing the crab.
:'''Female Diner''': What kind of risotto is that?
:'''Male Diner''': It's like, mushroom and crab but there's no crab.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Michael, Ralph and Jessica have successfully completed dinner service]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, well done. Bloody well done. First time ever in Hell's Kitchen, we have completed a fully booked dining room. Starters, mains and desserts. You three did it. ''[high fives the three chefs]'' Team, team and team. And last night, none of us had any sleep. 24 hours virtually. And do you know the most important thing about tonight's service? Did you see any food come back?
:'''Michael Wray''': No way.
:'''Gordon''': No. Did you see any dishes come back? No, nothing. And do you know the most exciting thing for me from a chef's point of view? Every dish looked the same. Spot on. Well done. I am a very proud man.

=== Episode Ten [1.10] (Two Hour Finale) ===
:''[Jean Philippe and Ralph are discussing waitstaff uniforms for Ralph's restaurant.]''
:'''Ralph:''' Men are men and women are women and there's no reason to dress them alike.
:'''Jean-Philippe:''' No... Do you want the ladies to wear some black panties?
:'''Ralph:''' Excuse me? Leggings? Uh, panty hose?
:'''Jean-Philippe:''' Mm-hmm, you have to think about those things, I tell you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jean-Philippe:''' Ralph?
:'''Ralph:''' Hey, Jean-Pierre. How are you? Jean-Pierre?
:'''Jean-Philippe:''' If you call me one more time &quot;Jean-Pierre,&quot; I'm gonna kill you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dewberry''': This bass...is full of fucking love. ''[to Ralph]'' Chef, that is love. For you.
:'''Ralph''': Thank you, sir.
:'''Dewberry''': You're welcome!
:'''Ralph''': You are a rock today, aren't you, Dewberry? 
:'''Dewberry''': Yes, chef!
:'''Ralph''': You are Gibraltar, you are the hope diamond!
:'''Dewberry''': I'd rather you be saying I was Brad Pitt's wife!
:''[Ralph and Gordon laugh]''
:'''Ralph''': He's got issues.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Ralph was great tonight. But Michael deserved to win because his creativity and standards are simply on a higher level. And I accomplished my goal of turning an unknown into a master chef. And that has to be the perfect way to close Hell's Kitchen tonight. And I'm fucking out of here!

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Quotes about Elvis Presley (A–L)</title>
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      <text bytes="679638" xml:space="preserve">:&lt;small&gt; The last names, or names by which people are best known and whose quotes are included below are arranged alphabetically, for ease of referenceː&lt;/small&gt;

== A ==

* When I was about five years old, they again showed &quot;Aloha from Hawaii&quot; here in Norway. I had my parents wrapped around my finger, so they would let me stay up and watch it, because it was on after midnight. I was so amazed by the performance......
** {{w|Abbath}}, Norway's globally renowned black metal superstar, as told to Tim Dawson of Team Rock, and published on 15 November 2016....

* That is why we can waste no time promoting legitimate role models. This is where N.B.A. players come in. In 1956, Elvis Presley received his polio vaccine before one of his appearances on television, launching a highly effective vaccination campaign that by 1960 had reduced annual occurrences of polio by 90 percent. Health policy professionals suggest that public health campaigns using celebrities should focus on celebrities who are influential in particular communities in order to build trust. N.B.A. players, 81.1 percent of whom are Black, appeal to the under-35 and African-American demographics
** {{w|Kareem Abdul-Jabbar}}, in an Opinion Editorial on the Covid 19 pandemia, entitled &quot;We Should Let Some N.B.A. Players Jump the Vaccine Queue&quot;, as published in the NYT's February 1, 2021 edition.

* Love you allways (Sic), from the XXXX King
** Photo dedication to Elvis by {{w|Saud of Saudi Arabia|Prince Abdulmehsen}}, the 13th son of King {{w|Saud of Saudi Arabia|Saud of Saudi Arabia}} and one of his several wives, Zainab (Um Thamer). A grammar and middle school student in London since the early 50's, and a huge Elvis fan, he and his three men entourage visited him at his rented house at #14 Goethestraße in Bad Nauheim, Germany on August 22, 1959 in order to gift him with a Royal Arabic black caftan and a Tea Service with the Royal Coat of Arms, all of it as a sign of gratitude for Elvis having helped the King and his 75 person entourage, secure an entire hotel, the Grunewald, in Bad Nauheim, in January of that same year (Elvis and his family who had taken an entire floor, vacated it, in order for the King to have full privacy), as noted in the book &quot;A Date With Elvis: Army Years Revisited&quot; by Andreas Schröer. (&quot;Ein königlicher Besuch&quot;

* It's probably asking too much that “Ruben Brandt, Collector” sustain its pop-art ebullience across its entire running time. But the dips are hardly depressions, and there's nearly always a frisky detail to enjoy or virtuosic tableau to bathe in, all of it augmented wonderfully by Tibor Cári's appealing score. Mostly, though, Krstić, whose background encompasses set design and sculpture, painting and photography, has shown everybody how to throw down the first-feature gauntlet at the age of 66: with Warhol's holstered “Elvis I &amp; II” facing down our hero and declaring, “Draw!”
** Robert Abele, reviewing for the Los Angeles Times Milorad Krstić's animated film “Ruben Brandt, Collector” and as published in their November 13, 2018 edition.

* By honoring Presley with the Medal of Freedom, the President paid tribute to someone who arguably did as much to bridge the cultural and racial divide as anyone who ever lived, an impressive and unifying act from someone usually considered the most divisive of presidents.
** Gary Abernathy, contributor for the {{w|Washington Post}}, in an article dated 20 November 2018, and entitled &quot;Trump honoring Elvis? It's about time&quot;, in reference to Elvis' being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, in a ceremony held at the East Room in the White House, on November 16, 2018

* Songwriter Earl Brown was tapped to create a special finale song that reflected Elvis' emotions about the social upheaval of the time. According to the show's director {{w|Steve Binder}}, the resulting song, “If I Can Dream,” was recorded with Elvis in the dark, almost in a fetal position, writhing on top of the studio's cement floor. And when he got done, Elvis came in the control room and asked for the song to be played more than a dozen times. Later, Binder also crafted a gospel segment populated with racially diverse singers and dancers, which he knew would spotlight the Southern-born Presley's disdain for prejudice. Fittingly, it was the highest-rated TV special of 1968 and signalled the rebirth of Elvis's career.
** Lori Acken, of ReMIND Magazine, reviewing NBC-TV's 1968 Elvis special, as published on February 6, 2018

* I loved Elvis since i was a kid, as my dad was a huge Elvis fan. His range was incredible high, or low and he could croon. His impact on me was his love of African American music.
** {{w|Yolanda Adams}}, in a filmed interview for Gracelancom

* I am reminded of a comment made shortly after the death of Elvis Presley by a musician he had worked with. He pointed out that despite an impressive vocal range of two and a half octaves and something approaching perfect pitch, Elvis was totally willing to sing off-key when he thought the song required it. Those off-key notes were art.
** Patrick H. Adkins, [http://www.strangeexcursions.com/vaults/index.htm ''The Dream Vaults of Opar'']

* One of the pieces recently up for auction by Phillips-- and setting the record for the most expensive Omega ever to sell at auction – was a wrist watch given to Elvis Presley by RCA Records in 1961 to celebrate his 75 millionth record sold. The 33&amp;nbsp;mm 18-karat white gold manually wound watch features a bezel set with 44 brilliant cut diamonds. The caseback features the engraving: “To Elvis, 75 Million Records, RCA Victor, 12-25-60. We were in on the bidding for that watch, which, according to our man there, Petros Protopapas, was very intense, with several watch collectors and Elvis collectors in on it. It was the most anyone at Omega had ever authorized to put a bid in for, and ultimately we garnered the piece at a hammer price of $1.8 million with buyers’ fees and premiums. In fact, we could have secretly bid on it, but we wanted people to know that it was us bidding for it and why we were doing it as this is an important part of our past and it should not be locked in a safe, but in our Museum, so we can shared it with the world.
** {{w|Omega SA|Raynald Aeschlimann}}, CEO of Omega, discussing with Forbes the power of vintage watches as published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I went to college in New Jersey and started off singing at open-mic spots in bars. I was so dreadful it embarrasses me even now to think about it. Music was always a passion growing up, like I used to translate Elvis Presley songs into Russian and sing them at home. Now that I've had a few multi-platinum albums in Russia, I want to have a go at Ireland, the UK and the rest of Europe. My heroes were Elvis, Elvis and Elvis! One of my favourite Elvis songs is My Boy, and now that I have been told that it was written by an Irishman [Phil Coulter] I love it even more.
** {{w|Emin Agalarov}}, singer and businessman, son of Russian billionaire {{w|Aras Agalarov}}, in an article published in the USA Today affiliated North New Jersey's July 13, 2017 online edition, as well as following an interview published in the Irish Times̪ March 22, 2015 edition.

* It must have been in January of 1958 when I went to a record store to buy a 45rpm single for my older sister's birthday. I was 8 years old. When I got there, I asked if they had &quot;Wake up little Suzie&quot; by the Everly Brothers, a song she had told me was her favourite of those then playing on Mexican radios. They did, and just as it was being wrapped up the salesperson told me that there was a special, if I bought another. I asked which one should I get and he said, &quot;Of course, anything by Elvis&quot;. So, inspite of never having heard of Elvis, I got the &quot;two for one&quot; special and headed back home. When my sister arrived from school I gave the Everly's record to her, &quot;two weeks in advance&quot; I said, but only as long as she allowed me to play the one I had bought for free. It was &quot;Don't be cruel&quot; with &quot;Hound Dog&quot; on the B side. The moment I heard the A side, that was it...
** {{w|Reforma|Enrique Sealtiel Alatriste y Lozano}}, Mexican writer, promoter and diplomat, in his article, &quot;Elvis Presleyː An out of time obituary&quot;, as published in la Revista de la UNAM. His timing was superb, as in less than 12 months, in June of 1959, there would be no Elvis records to be found in Mexican stores, as the second of his many bans there began to executed by the Government authorities.

* He was an extraordinary figure of his and our time, his legacy tremendous in terms of the music he created, his films, and as an entertainment personality. The generosity that he showed toward others is simply remarkable and I think it's these aspects of his character, his persona, that make him such a special person.
** {{w|Albert II, Prince of Monaco}}, after his visit to Graceland on August 7, 2010 as noted by EPE.

* In an era when radio stations refused to play Chuck Berry songs, calling it “race music”, Elvis broke down barriers.
** {{w|Janet Albrechtsen}}, Australian columnist, in an article entitled &quot;Beware mob rule in the new racism&quot; published in The Australian on 23 November 2017.

* I've kind of been infatuated with Elvis since I was a kid, just always watching documentaries and stuff on him. It had a little bit to do with that and, honestly, I just wanted him to have something that wasn't very common.
** {{w|Jason Aldean}}, explaining why he and his wife named their first son Memphis, as published on Soundslike Nashville on September 30, 2017.

* I remember we were in his bathroom, he took my hand, asked me to sit down in a black leather chair, said some beautiful things and then he asked me to marry him.
** {{w|Personal relationships of Elvis Presley|Ginger Alden}}, who found Elvis lifeless in the main bathroom at Graceland, six weeks after he asked her to marry him in that same bathroom, in an interview for CBS aired in 1982.

* When Elvis Presley died, he left a worldwide legion of music fans in mourning. It was no different on Long Island, where he had been scheduled to perform at the Nassau Coliseum a week later. As many as 700 fans had camped out overnight to buy tickets to the concert, which sold out quickly. On Aug. 22, the night the concert had been scheduled, over 5,000 fans gathered in the Coliseum parking lot for an impromptu tribute to Elvis that lasted two hours. Of the 16,700 tickets that had been sold, only 1,250 were returned for refund....
** Michael Alexander, quoting an Editor's note of a {{w|Newsday}} story originally published on Aug. 17, 1977.

*  When Elvis Presley  died in 1977 I was no more than six. On that summer night in August I was sitting between my parents in my grandfather’s house in Italy where we were spending the summer holiday. We were watching television, then delivering to viewers the news of his death, with scenes of fans wailing at the departure of the artist who had engaged the world with his music and gyrating dancing, and personal charisma that made him adored by girls and an inspiration for boys.  Last Thursday, at around midnight I received a call from one of my friends telling me that Michael Jackson had died, and one website confirmed the news even before CNN had.   Both of them died, and there have still been those who say that death has not touched them and that they still live amongst us with their music and greatness.
** Yasser Al Ghaslan,  Saudi blogger and journalist, as noted in the Global Voice's 30 June 2009 edition.  

* To host a Warhol show in a Hollywood Regency home felt like such an incredible opportunity, so when we were presented with it, we jumped at the chance. Given Warhol's fascination with Elvis, it was like this incredible opportunity to reenergize the home with the ghosts of the past in a supercool way. Part of what we love at the Future Perfect in general is the possibility to create that social interaction with the work that we present, because it completely changes the psychology of how you view it.”
** David Alhadeff, founder of Future Perfect, a design gallery one of whose Los Angeles locations is at Elvis former home at the Trousdale Estates, now known as Casa Perfect, in an article published at {{w|Vogue (magazine)|Vogue Fashion}}'s February 20,2019 edition.

* As a child,  I saw Elvis Presley. So that was something, I mean he was this person with a guitar and  that  was the image I wanted to be. I wanted to be a musician so  I got my first guitar when I was thirteen years old, and I felt, oh man, now that I have the guitar, I got the music. But it started from that....
** {{w|Lucky Ali}},  on what pushed him  towards music, in an interview with WION'a published in their April 6, 2022 edition. 

* Let us remember that Elvis’s style — which often included all-leather outfits and flashy jumpsuits — was also controversial for its mid-century time period. So, is Post Malone truly our modern-day Presley? Judging by his care-free attitude and penchant for leather Cuban heeled boots —another, Presley favorite—the verdict would appear to be yes.
** Cristian Allaire, for {{w|Vogue (magazine)|Vogue}}, in an article entitled &quot;Is {{w|Post Malone}} the new Elvis Presley of today?&quot;, as published on December 2, 2018

* I was standing in the hallway, just before the show, and one of the managers told him there was a girl on the telephone who was in the hospital. She said she had tickets for the show but couldn't come as she had a serious illness. And Elvis said, 'I want to talk to her', so he marched into a room and held up the entire show for fifteen minutes to talk to that girl, asking her several questions, with warmth and interest. Just before hanging up, I remember he said, 'No, honey I don't have a blue Cadillac. I've got a pink one, a black one, a white one – a pause, and then he said, oh yeah, I do have a blue one'. He was a gentleman and I respected that immensely.
** Lew Allen, a then 17 year old student who went on to earn an Associate's Degree in photography and a B.A. in Fine Arts/Photography from the Rochester Institute of Technology. He was asked to photograph Elvis at the Cleveland Arena in Ohio, on November 23, 1956 because of a labour strike affecting the three major newspapers, as told by Mr. Allen in an interview published in Rock paper on June 6, 2005.

* I didn't know very much about him, and those in the business knew very little about him. But, he was in the Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, so I saw this kid and it was hard to say what he had, but there was something unusual about him. He had an interesting quality and his sound wasn't that important. It was the way he conducted himself, the way he put a song over. Anyway, I made a note immediately to book him for our new show, and we just had the good fortune that between that night and when he appeared a few weeks later suddenly there was a lot of controversy and media attention.
** {{w|Steve Allen}}'s answer as to how did the Elvis appearance in his ABC.TV show, which drew 40 million viewers following the NBC TV Milton Berle controversy came about, as told in an interview on June 30 of 1996.

* It was like a country show back then and we got to open it and we did a couple of his songs, which was just stupid because we thought we'd impress him and he'd like us. The first time I saw him play – I'd seen him one time before that particular tour came to town where we opened the show for him- I just couldn't believe it. He was such a rocker. I'd never seen anything like that before. Buddy was terribly impressed as well. All of us the same. Turned into a big fan. Buddy tried to sound like him for months. And personally, he was as charismatic as he could be...
** {{w|Jerry Allison}}, drummer for Buddy Holly, as well as the Crickets, recalling the early days when they opened for Elvis at Buddy Holly's hometown of Lubbock, Texas, as published in Classicbands.com

* Rock n' roll, through Elvis, became a target of southern segregationists, who believed that race mixing led, inevitably, to miscegenation and that exposure to black culture promoted juvenile delinquency and sexual immorality
** {{w|Glenn C. Altschuler}}, in his book &quot;All Shook Up: How Rock 'n Roll Changed America&quot; (Oxford University Press 2003)

* Obama is like Elvis, there will always be demand for impersonators of such popular and historical people.
** Ilham Anas, Indonesia's most successful Obama impersonator, as reporter in This week in Asia, on November 5, 2016.

* After one of Elvis Presley's last shows, I was heading back to my car when a matron from Zachary stopped me and gushed about how wonderful he had been. Didn't you just LOVE him?&quot; she asked. &quot;Well, I thought he looked tired and sick and was just going through the motions.&quot; Whereupon she whacked me on the head with the rolled-up Elvis poster she was carrying. LOL. I took it in stride — nobody ever said it was easy being a music critic. ...
** Music critic Smiley Anders, writing for The {{w|The Advocate (Louisiana)|Advocate}} in an article published on their March 25, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley has been such a determining force in music, before and after his death. On a personal level, I owe so much to Elvis as he is essentially the musician who pushed me to be the performer I am. I have always loved his music so I am returning to celebrate him along with some of my amazing musician friends.
** {{W|Daniel Anderson}}, vocalist in the Harvey World Travel East of London-organized benefit for the Cancer Association of South Africa (Cansa)'s, entitled The Wonder of You: The Story of Elvis, as reported by the Go&amp;Express, on October 6, 2017

* I discovered the blues in a funny kind of a way, from the age of seven when I was listening to my father's war-time collection of big band jazz. It had that thing about it – I didn't really know what it was –, that set the pulse racing a bit; and then I heard echoes of it again, with early Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Ian Anderson}}, singer, flautist and leader of Jethro Tull, explaining to G.Brown, of the Denver Music Examiner, his first experience with hearing the blues, starting at the age of 7, as published in that newspaper's online edition, on August 11, 2008.

* Unbelievable! To hear my father grouped together with Elvis Presley, William Faulkner and Eudora Welty, it's a dream.
** John Anderson, son of painter {{w|Waltyer Inglis Anderson}}, speaking of his father's induction into the Mississippi Arts and Entertainment Experience Hall of Fame, as reported by ABC center on December 16, 2017, with the other 17 members being Jimmie Rodgers, Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, B.B. King, Leontyne Price, Elvis Presley, James Earl Jones, Jim Henson, Morgan Freeman, Oprah Winfrey, Sela Ward, George Ohr, William Faulkner, Richard Wright, Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, and John Grisham

* His latest album, &quot;Piano&quot;, is a collection of his past work, stripped down so all you hear is his beloved piano. It was hearing an Elvis Presley song that sparked his passion for the piano when he was young.
** About ABBA-founder {{w|Benny Andersson}}'s decision to take up piano, at age 11 in his native Sweden, specifically after hearing &quot;Treat me nice&quot;, the B side of the &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; single, as noted by Tom Power of CBCRadio on December 10, 2017

* After doing ‘Dr. No’ with {{w|Sean Connery}}, the brass at Paramount proposed that I co-star with Elvis. At first I turned the offer down, mainly because after having dated {{w|James Dean}}, I had imagined Elvis to be an &quot;ordinary&quot; person. So they organized a meet-up and, to my amazement, I immediately fell for his charm. He was extremely well educated and when I told him I hated Rock and that I liked Gospel, he gave me his entire collection of gospel songs. Little did I know that was his main source of inspiration. Anyways, we became instant friends and he loved to cook for me when we were on location. He told me he would have loved to live in Europe and, when I told him my husband had sold our {{w|BMW 507}}, he gave me another as a present. Twenty years later, in 1982, I auctioned the one Elvis gave me for US$300,000 and then the person who bought it from me later sold it for 1.2 million UK pounds. He was in fact, a one in a billion type, a wholly adorable person and we remained in touch till his death.
** Swiss actress {{w|Ursula Andress}} in an interview published in Mujer Hoy, on 12 January 2016.

* His knowledge was even more extensive than mine. I prided myself on knowing all that stuff. And man, we'd be hanging out and Elvis would be talking about singers I didn't even know about!!!.
** {{w|Sherman Andrus}}, Gospel Music Hall of Fame and one of the first African Americans to be integrated into a Southern Gospel group, (Elvis' personal group The Imperials), attesting to Elvis' deep knowledge of African American Gospel music, from the Gospel side of Elvis.

* My older brothers played Elvis all the time and there was a lot about his music that inspired us all. Not only an inspiration but he showed up to give his generation permission on a lot of fronts to carry a torch. When I finally met him in Houston, it was like a receiving line at a wedding, as surreal a moment as any in my life. I could not even actually shake his hand. I just bowed.
** Canadian singer {{w|Andy Kim}}, interviewed by phone from Toronto by Patrick Bales and published on the Orillia Packet &amp; Time website on March 17, 2017

* Beto, he's a rock star right now, he's Elvis Presley,
** Maximo Anguiano, of the Texas Organizing Project, in reference to {{w|Beto O’Rourke}} being the candidate who could unseat Sentaro Ted Cruz in the 2018 mid-term elections.

* In Vegas, we'd meet and we'd talk about everything. Slowly he started coming over to see my show; he'd sit up there and I'd come back after the show and we'd talk music. He would show up, this incredible God-like figure. He had everything, and the voice —what a great voice he had. Then, on August 17, 1977 I happened to be in Las Vegas, so when I turned on the news and learned of his death, I cried all day. He was a cool, nice man.
** {{w|Paul Anka}}, from his autobiography &quot;My way&quot;

* I want to celebrate his life. He was so gifted, I just cherish his memory, his generosity, and he was so private, like I am. He knew about honour, and respect, and was so considerate, and his manners, and the way he was so civilized. And as an entertainer he will never be repeated. I wanted him to know all that, and I did tell him, but very few others did...
** Actress and entertainer {{w|Ann Margret}}, in an interview with Charlie Rose, as broadcast on February 11, 1994.

* I think there was that part of the so-called punk idea that everything in the past was rubbish and all that mattered was punk. I was never really interested in the spitting and the safety pins or that nonsense. I liked the Sex Pistols, and that was about it. Adam and the Ants were very much outside of that anyway. So my liking of Elvis and rock and roll music that I'd grown up with was always in there; it was always something that was a big influence. Elvis's death was tragic, I remember when he died, it was a very sad day in general, so it's obviously a great loss to everybody. I never thought, Oh, he was something that didn't matter, because he did. I have visited Graceland and you could see the man was overwhelmingly honest. He never professed any taste other than his own, that is, country boy made good. He never pretended to be anyone else.
** {{w|Adam Ant}}, leader of Adam and the Ants, a punk rock band, in an article published on September 5 2017, at the Tampa Bay Times

* One day while he and Richard Davis were conversing he removed the watch from his wrist, handing it to Davis and stating there was something wrong with the back of it. When Davis turned the timepiece over to inspect it, he saw to his great surprise that the case back had been inscribed, &quot;To Richard, From E.P. Elvis then said, &quot;I guess it's yours now&quot;. He was known for being extremely generous, often giving away his valuable personal belongings as presents so it was not surprising that he gifted his prized 18kt yellow gold {{w|Corum (watchmakers)|Corum}} Buckingham to Davis.
** {{w|Antiquorum|Antiquorum Auctioneers}}'s notes for those attending the November 11 2018 auction held in Geneva, Switzerland, and highlighting the sale of a yellow 18k gold Corum 1960 Buckingham wristwatch gifted by Elvis to Richard Davis, his long time friend and last wardrobe manager, as detailed in Antiquorum webpage.

* It was the early 1970s. I was 22, working in some little show in a hotel that's now gone, and he was doing a gig at the Las Vegas Hilton. We met backstage at a Tom Jones concert, then he showed me some karate moves, with a small party of folks ending up at his penthouse suite. There, he turned to me and said he had something to show me in his bedroom, so I thought, 'Oh, here comes the cliche,’ Turns out, he just wanted to read to me from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet.” It was a sweet moment, as he sat on a footstool beside me and read like a child, his finger following the text. He signed the book, gave it to me and told me to have a blessed life. He was so sweet, that's what struck me the most. In retrospect, I view him as a prisoner of his fame. That, and his roots in gospel music and the church, fueled his desire to seek out more knowledge about the world and self-realization.
** Actress {{w|Susan Anton}}, as told to Michael Grossberg at Dispatchcom.

* &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight?” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart on Nov. 28, 1960, becoming Elvis' 15th No. 1 single. It would remain at the top of the chart for six weeks and nominated for Grammy Awards for Best Performance by a Pop Single Artist and Best Male Vocal Performance. A live version recorded in 1969 in which Elvis cracks up laughing almost throughout the spoken-word section would be a minor hit in England in the 1980s. At one point in that recording, Elvis becomes even more amused at one of his backup singers, who continues her part despite his laughter. That singer was Cissy Houston – Whitney Houston's mother.
** Charles Apple, in an article entitled &quot;Hitmaker&quot; as published in Spokane's {{w|The Spokesman-Review}}'s November 22, 2020 edition

* The biggest surprise about his singing had been revealed when he gave us a private concert and sang &quot;Love me tender&quot; a soft, ultra-slow ballad at the quaint music bungalow on the far west side of 20th Century lot. It was away from the bustle of traffic and from the big stages and it looked like the kind of cottage Walt Disney would have built for Snow White and Prince Charming. This was where Elvis felt relaxed, comfortable. So Ken Darby sat at the grand piano at the far end of the living room and Elvis stood a few feet behind him and in front of a tall stained-glass window. He stood erect, as if he was in a choir. Ken started to play the soft melody and I hardly knew that Elvis had started to sing, as his voice, barely louder than the piano, was pitched slightly higher than his usual. It had a lot of resonance and vibration and Elvis was on-key for every note, no matter how long, short, high or low. When he finished, it seemed only normal to express our amazement. &quot;People think all I can do is belt, I used to sing nothing but ballads before I went professional. I love to sing slow, but seldom get to do it&quot;, he said, then continued to explain that, as a boy, an only child, he would sing like that when he sang with his mother and dad in church. &quot;It was a small church, only seated about 75, you couldn't sing too loud there.&quot;
** {{w|Army Archerd}}, a columnist for Variety then interviewing Elvis for the Photoplay magazine and who was present at the sessions, including an intimate concert for a dozen or so, which preceded the actual recording of the &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; soundtrack, as noted in a document entitled &quot;Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1956)&quot; as digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from Media History Digital Library.

* In the high-stakes game of Los Angeles real estate, a good celebrity pedigree is always a bonus. Of course, not all celebrities are created equal. A home that was once owned by Cary Grant or Elizabeth Taylor, for instance, would probably hold broader appeal than one formerly inhabited by, say, Zsa Zsa Gabor. On that score, David Alhadef definitely struck gold when he discovered the new location for Casa Perfect, the L.A. outpost of his furniture mecca, the Future Perfect: designed in 1958 by architect Rex Lotery and renovated in the mid-1960s, the house is an idiosyncratic mash-up of classic California modernism and Hollywood Regency. For six years, it belonged to Elvis Presley.
** Mayer Rus, for {{w|Architectural Digest}} in an article entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's Once-Home roars back to life as a dazzling showplace for contemporary furnishings, as published in AD's February 18, 2018 edition.

* When I actually received the phone call, I couldn’t help my mind racing back to one magical day in 1956, that’s always remained vivid in my memory. When my cousin, four years older than me, played me two and a half minutes of music, which changed my life. That music was Elvis Presley, singing Hound Dog, and for the next six months – to my mother's absolute horror – I didn't want to hear anything but the rawest rock'n'roll I could lay my hands on. Do you know? For those who didn’t live through the Fifties, it’s really hard to imagine the enormous cultural gulf which existed between England and America at that time. Elvis himself was a God and in some of the first footage that we saw in England, seemed to us like an alien super being from a distant universe. I was 11 years old and I couldn’t in any way imagine being part of the same world. These early years were something of a dream. By 1964, we got a recording contract with Decca and then unbelievably by Christmas, found ourselves topping the U.S charts with our first record, “She’s Not There.” This magic land, which only eight years before had seemed so unimaginably remote and unconquerable and even more unbelievably, something we didn't find out until many years later, Elvis actually had our records on his jukebox. I could not believe that!
**{{w|Rod Argent}} English musician, speaking about his reaction when told his band the Zombies would be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as noted by RollingStone's 30 March,2019 edition.

* I had been called up for national service and was stationed in Germany at the same time as Elvis when I came across an article on him in a magazine. The article even had his address in Germany, so with a girl friend we set off one morning to find him. We went there and rang the bell, it was a Sunday morning. The maid answered it and told us he'd be down in a few minutes. There was nobody else there, except my friend and I. He took us inside the hallway, and we had a nice chat. He posed for photographs and signed autographs. We were very lucky that morning.
** Arthur Armstrong, on his love of Elvis Presley, as originally featured in a 2011 article in {{w|The Impartial Reporter}} and again reproduced on their issue of 7 January 2019, following his death at age 81 on December 12, 2018.

* If anything, it's a lot of people here right now. It's like my record collection is actually sitting in this room. I'm truly fortunate. You know, I've always loved rock &amp; roll music. I always have. Soon as I opened my eyes and took my first breath, I was a fan. With my brother David, we listened to Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Mötley Crüe and Cheap Trick and Pyromania by Def Leppard. My oldest brother Alan, he had the Beatles and the Stones and the Kinks. My sister Hollie was like &quot;Kool and the Gang.&quot; My sister Anna for that record collection that turned my world inside out. And my sister, Marci, who's pretty much the person who showed me Elvis Presley for the first time. Thank you so much.
** Excerpted from {{w|Billie Joe Armstrong}}'s acceptance speech, as the founder, lead singer and frontman of the US punk supergroup [[Green Day]], one of the 5 artists being chosen as performers at the 2015 edition of the inductees gala for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as published in its entirety by RollingStone magazine on April 18, 2015.

* I'm definitively going to make a record with him. You would be surprised what we could do together. You ask me if I think he is good. How many Cadillacs was it he bought.? That boy's no fool...
** {{w|Louis Armstrong}}, interviewed by Memphis Press Scimitar, March 1, 1957 edition.}

* My cuban blood was flowing. My hips were revolving. I would have made Elvis look as if he was standing still
** {{w|Desi Arnaz}}, in his bio, &quot;A book&quot; , referring to his moves in 1939, while doing the conga. 

* George H.W. Bush was equally at ease in all settings, something that seemed so characteristic of the man I revered. But my work with him didn't end when he left politics. While working in government relations for Shell, I sometimes hosted foreign Ambassadors visiting Houston. On one occasion the Ambassador of Ukraine, Yuriy Shcherbak, was in town to meet with officials at NASA, give speeches and join up with the Ukrainian community there. On the last morning the Ambassador, who was a fan of Elvis Presley, did a live television interview on what by sheer coincidence happened to be Elvis' birthday, and the station had an Elvis impersonator on the set, to do a routine. When “Elvis” and the Ambassador crossed in the green room, the two exchanged bear hugs, and we took pictures. We later arrived at Bush's office, and he cordially received Ambassador Schckerbak and asked how the visit had gone. He politely talked about the various events, then with a twinkle in his eye said: “And this morning Bill introduced me to Elvis!”. Bush gave me a quizzical look as if to ask, “What have you done now?” The Ambassador then recounted the whole tale, followed by robust laughter all around...
** Bill Arnold, former advance man for the then ( in 1980, therefore three years after Elvis̪ death), Vice Presidential candidate George H.W. Bush and, since 2000 Professor at the {{w|Jesse H. Jones Graduate School of Business}}, at Rice University, recalling the Ukrainian Ambassador̪ to the US's fascination for all things Elvis, in an article written for the Houston Chronicle on the day after President Bush, for whom he worked, was laid to rest, December 5, 2018.

* Of course, it was 1957, he had a beautiful blonde on the back of his motorcycle. Now, I wasn't watching the blonde and I didn't know who he was, so I took him down to the Las Vegas police station where I then worked and I gave him a pass...
** Former Arizona Sheriff {{w|Joe Arpaio}}, recalling his most memorable traffic stop, which involved a speeding motorcycle driven by a young Elvis, as published in an interview with CBS's channel 5 on August 8, 2018.

* Arguably some of the most important tracks in the history of Rock and Roll, Elvis' SUN recordings demonstrate what a dynamic and talented vocalist he was; the young, raw, unadulterated Elvis whom musicologist Francis Davis once called &quot;the greatest white blues singer”; I'm not one to argue with Mr. Davis.
** ''Art's Strange World'' review of the CD &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot; (15 August 2007)

* Elena Quarestani, an Italian collector with a {{w|Salvador Dalí}} painting, was entangled in these onerous rules, namely the Milanese officials wanting to protect his &quot;Figure at a Table&quot; (1925) as an example of Italian cultural heritage even though it is an early work of his that does not incorporate any of the motifs for which he is known. He would likely be amused by the surreality of the government's arbitrary ruling. Similarly, Andy Warhol would have loved that two of his early paintings hung in a casino in the German town of Aachen, a spa city near the border with Belgium and the Netherlands. On their way to slot machines and poker tables, gamblers passed &quot;Triple Elvis&quot;, a 1963 silkscreen painting of three life-size images of Elvis Presley on a silver background and &quot;Four Marlons&quot;, a 1966 silkscreen painting of four life-sized images of Marlon Brando on a motorcycle. Purchased in the late 1970s for $185,000 (approximately $700,000 today), the paintings were part of a plan to glamorize an otherwise off-the-beaten-track gambling parlor. When the casino conglomerate that owned the Aachen operation fell on hard times, a German state-owned bank seized control of the company and decided to sell the paintings. The sale was a reasonable action by the owners to raise cash for a troubled company. But protesters emerged, claiming this was a dangerous sale of cultural property owned by a state-run financial institution. The sale went ahead anyway, and the works sold for $151.1 million.
** {{w|Artsy (website)|Artsy}}'s Doug Woodham, in an article entitled &quot;Why Becoming a National Treasure Can Lower an Artwork’s Value&quot;, as published on their January 2, 2019 edition.

* I am the greatest contemporary artist of all-time.
** Rapper {{w|ASAP Rocky}}´s claim, which writer Jake Boyer of &quot;Highnobiety&quot; sarcastically said &quot;puts him the same playing field as everyone from Michelangelo to Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in their online page on November 22, 2017.

* He was stationed in Germany doing his service so on the occasion he would go visit Paris coinciding with my time there. On his first visit, he took 40 dancing girls from the Lido to the Prince des Galles Hotel. On his next, he suddenly took a great shine to me but when someone told him I was trans-sexual, he stayed away. But, if by chance we would be in the same club, he would sent me a bottle of champagne every time. He was a divine human being.
** {{w|April Ashley}}, a MBE, born George Jamieson and the first male Briton to have full {{w|sex reassignment surgery}}, recalling the time she met Elvis in 1959, as published in the Mirror on November 4, 2018.

* I found him to be an interesting person, had an entourage of good old boys, was busy with karate, breaking his hand while doing it, but he was nice and cooperative and friendly. I really liked him.
** {{w|Ed Asner}}, on the first time he met and worked with Elvis, namely during the shoot of &quot;Kid Gallahad&quot;, in 1962, in an article published on July 16, 2018 on the Houston Chronicle.

* South African Elvis fans won't see his new movie 'Flaming Star' in their country. The government, which has strict laws to keep the races separate, banned the picture because Presley plays the son of an American Indian woman and a white man
** An {{w|Associated Press}} report from Johannesburg, dated May 31, 1961, the day when the film was set to open at theatres throughout the then Apartheid-ruled Republic of South Africa. A day later, 20th Century-Fox appealed and as a result the Board of Censors lifted the ban, on condition that the film not be shown to the country's indigenous population, with the film then opening to segregated theatres, starting in Durban in early June. However, it was permanently banned on cinemas in Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania, as colonial government officials in those territories were afraid the movie could reignite racial tensions in the aftermath of the bloody {{w|Mau Mau rebellion}}.

* Princesses Margrit of Denmark (now HRH, the Queen of Denmark), Margaret of Sweden and I, were assigned to represent the people of Scandinavia on the SAS' maiden intercontinental flight to Los Angeles. We went to Disneyland, then to the Paramount Studios. He was making a film, we watched him sing a song and then he greeted us. He was very polite, a man with an M in capital letters. He was very pretty, had been our idol and we three had heard all his records, seen all his movies, so when I found out he had died, I was very saddened.
**{{w|Princess Astrid, Mrs. Ferner|Princess Astrid of Norway}}, as told to Roger Mostad, son of Tod Mogstad, the Princess's personal hairdresser on October 12, 1987, and as detailed in a clip from youtube, THE KING, THE PRINCESS &amp; ME

* In times of trouble, I put my faith in Elvis Presley, who represented the South's better angels. He was a hard worker, and although he lived the high life, he never forgot that he had been born into poverty. And he was a self-made talent, perhaps the greatest entertainer of all time, born in a two-room shack in Tupelo, Miss., in 1935. I've been to that small shotgun house many times, reflecting on what it says about America. Greatness can be born anywhere. His father Vernon was a laborer who was often out of work, and the Presleys relied on the kindness of family and neighbors to get them through the hard times.When Elvis was young, the Presleys lost it, and they ended up shuttling around Tupelo, often living in black neighborhoods, where Elvis famously developed an ear for black gospel and blues to supplement his love of the old-time gospel he knew from his own church.I still believe in my heart that most Southerners are still more like Elvis than President Trump. We are most likely to pull over and help someone stranded on the roadside. Most of the people I know in my Mississippi town would give you the shirt off their backs. Most Southern preachers don't spend Sundays in the pulpit spewing hatred and intolerance. Most people agree that racism and white supremacy are evil. Even preschoolers know it's always better to tell the truth and take your lumps than lie and evade. And yet here we are. We know right from wrong, but most of us down here voted for wrong. As Elvis once said, “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.
** {{w|Ace Atkins}}, in his article, &quot;In Elvis we trust&quot;, part of TIME magazine's August 6 special issue on the American South.

* Elvis changed the country music scene quite a bit; he almost put country music out of business. He was white, but he sang black. It wasn't socially acceptable for white kids to buy black records at the time. Did I have any sense of how big he was going to be when he first came to RCA? Oh yeah, we knew. Back in those days, if a guy got hot in one area you could spread it around the country, maybe the world. He was already so big in East Texas and Louisiana you couldn't get him off stage with a firehose. We knew. When he came in to do “Heartbreak Hotel” I called up my wife and told her to come over. I said, You might not get a chance to see him again, he's gonna get so damn big. Lots of people have asked me if Elvis could play guitar. Well, he played pretty good. And he played piano and drums. The first sessions he'd come in and work. After that, when he got more confident, he'd come in and play drums a while, then guitar, then piano only to then go to work starting around 11 o'clock at night. But he loved gospel music. The first time I ever heard him I thought, “What in the hell is this?” I couldn't tell if he was black or bluegrass or gospel or what. Of course that was what made him what he was. He was so damn versatile he could sing anything.
** {{w|Chet Atkins}}, Pop Chronicles, Show 8 – The All American Boy: Enter Elvis and the rock-a-billies. Part 2, interview recorded January 1968.

* I was on third grade, listened to Elvis and then my dad bought me a guitar. I stuck with it, that is how it started.
** Mickey Atkins, R&amp;B musicians, founding member of {{w|Funkadelic}}, for Ultimate Classic Rock, as publshed on 6 August 2018

* Coming upon these tapes, unspooling them and watching them glide across an Ampex 440 reel-to-reel deck for the first time was the closest I'll ever get to being a real life {{w|Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones}}. Beyond the staggering realization of what we had found, there was a musical element that also knocked our socks off: On these tapes Glen is singing pure rock and roll and with a sense of joy, passion and wild abandon that can only have come from knowing that his idol, the avatar Elvis Presley, would be an audience of one for these recordings.”
** {{w|Stephen Auerbach}}, detailing for RollingStone what he felt after finding and playing tapes which had been lost of Glen Campbell doing demos for Elvis, as published on October 31, 2018.

* When Elvis came back from the service and he was greeted by all the publicity, the press, the photographers, reporters, and so forth, someone said to him &quot;Well, what do you think now that you're not number one but Avalon is ?&quot; And he said &quot; Oh, I love his song &quot;Venus&quot; and there's room for everybody.&quot; And I thought that was really genuine, nice compliment.
** {{w|Frankie Avalon}}, as noted in whenstarsmeetstars.

* 1) Ed Sheeran 2) Will Smith 3) James Cordon 4) Peter Kay 5) Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 6) Elvis Presley 7) Prince Harry 8) Michael Jackson 9) Beyonce and 10) Kim Kardashian
** UK {{w|Avis Budget Group}}'s list of most favoured celebrity travel buddies, from a poll taken in July of 2018, of over 14,000 consumers across Europe, aged 18-66+ including 1,000 British nationals

* I was about to say you were doing a disservice to fat Elvis who had much more dignity than Donald Trump does right now.   What the hell is he talking about? He doesn’t have a clue. That’s just sad.”
** {{w|John Avlon}}'s retort to  {{w|Jim Acosta}}'s comparison of  former President Trumnp to what he called &quot;Fat Elvis&quot; during a CNN interview, as  broadcast on May 2nd, 2021

== B ==

* Did I? That was extremely immodest and foolish of me, my apologies. I would never dare to be so presumptuous. I am only interested in the legacy my father has left behind, and I would like to work towards giving it strength and respect for as long as I live.
** Indian entertainer and former politician {{w|Amitabh Bachchan}}'s answer to a question posed by a reporter on whether he recalled his once saying that he would like to leave a lasting legacy in the world, to be a sort of Elvis Presley, as published on the &quot;Asian Age&quot; on May 13, 2018

* I'm living proof that Elvis was a pretty good driver. As innocent as the BMW 507 with its white paintwork might have looked, with a 150-horsepower V8 under the bonnet, it was something very special and Elvis drove like a maniac! Foot hard on the gas, then hard on the brakes, switching between lanes, slaloming between cars – it was like all hell had broken loose. (I was scared), and as a result wasn't quite able to enjoy the experience. The unvarnished truth is that I was just happy that we managed to get the car back to the dealership without a scratch on it. That short time I spent with Elvis was wonderful, though. The next day, I wrote to my mother , saying that I'd driven 100 miles up the autobahn with Elvis Presley. She thought I was kidding.”
** {{w|Gus Backus}}, a member of the racially mixed doo-wop group The Del Vikings, recounting for BMW Group Classic the time then Private Elvis Presley asked him (then serving with the US Air Force in Germany), to accompany him as he was test driving a BMW 507 in Frankfurt. It was after the test drive that Elvis ordered specifications be made on another BMW 507, the now famous BMW 507 chassis #70079 previously owned by German car racer Hans Stuck and which is currently housed at the BMW Museum after a two year multi million euro restoration.

* In May of 1998 I was in the middle of an Elvis Presley obsession, so I went to Graceland. Everything about the place seemed awesome to me, from the giant Corinthian columns out front, to the purple and yellow room with three televisions built into the wall, to the big man’s grave out back. But what has stuck with me the most from the visit is a particular story about Elvis. Elvis had grown up poor, and I’m sure when he was poor money was important. But when he started to make more money than he could ever spend, or maybe just enough money to have every material thing he wanted, it no longer held importance to him. So, during a party at Graceland he was inside with a guest who came from a poor background, and the other partygoers were outside on the lawn. His friend commented on how sophisticated all of the partygoers seemed. Elvis walked over to his desk, pulled a stack of money from one of the drawers, opened a window, and threw the bills out the window. The partygoers scrambled after the bills, shoving each other, trying to grab as much money as they could. Elvis turned to his friend and said, “They’re not that sophisticated.”
**{{w|Brett Baker}}, for Chicago now, published on December 22, 2016.

* i) We can even hazard a little analysis as to what made his voice so appealing. &quot;That curious baritone,&quot; one critic called it. Actually, that is inexact. The voice had mixed propensities, hovering between tenor and bass and everything in between. Even a convincing falsetto lay within his range. One thing he was not, ever, was &quot;Steve-'n-Edie&quot;, the polished, professionally accomplished Vegas artistes who once pronounced on an afternoon interview show (Mr. Lawrence enunciating the sentiment for himself and his partner/wife, Ms. Gorme), &quot;We don't really think of Elvis as a singer. But he was a star.&quot; It is only when, years later, one gets past the indignation of hearing such apparent ignorance, that the sense of the observation becomes clear. A singer is someone like Steve Lawrence rolling effortlessly (and meaninglessly) through a shlock-standard like &quot;What Now, My Love?&quot;. More or less like doing the scales. A star is the persona in whom one invests one's vicarious longings, a being who is constantly hazarding — and intermittently succeeding at — the impossible stretches that every soul wishes to attempt but lacks the means or the will to. It's not a matter of virtuosity. ii) Take ''My Baby Left Me'' (1956) by Arthur &quot;Big Boy&quot; Crudup, the black Mississippi sharecropper whose ''That's All Right'' had literally been Elvis' first recording, in 1954. Crudup kept his blues in a bucket; Elvis put the lid on, and cooked; bar by bar, the song comes together; first comes D.J. Fontana's rapped-out drum riff, then a top-to-bottom run from Bill Black's stand-up bass, then the controlled gallop of Scotty Moore's lead guitar; then, last of all, Elvis singing in that imperious velvet growl of his, &quot;Yes, my baby left me! Never said a word&quot;; it is the most underestimated song in the canon; there is lightning in that bucket, and it could drive a train, any train. It literally took us into a new age. Endow a university! Elvis was a university. Whoever those mystics are who teach that the universe began with sound could use him as their full curriculum&quot;
** Jackson Baker, i) in &quot;Memphis Magazine&quot; (July 2002) ii) as published in &quot;The Memphis Flyer&quot;, August 8-14, 1996 edition

* He was fantastic. When he danced, the people danced, the girls would actually faint because of what he was doing. The people didn't care if he was white or black, he was a good artist and they felt his music.
** {{w|Lavern Baker}}, commenting on her covering one of Presley's best early 60's songs, with a few changes in the lyrics, which she recorded in late 1961 as a answer to Presley's &quot;Little Sister&quot;.

* Presley's voice was remarkable in the sense that, through it, he touched people in a way only great artists can do. (In fact), the people he touched are as diverse as humanity itself and, because of that his popularity has transcended race, class, national boundaries, and culture. There is no simple answer about why that is so, all I can say is he had that magic. When Elvis Presley was first popular, many people said that he did not have a good voice. Almost everyone, today, knows that he did, but more people today should see him not simply as a performer, but as an artist with a great soul.
** John Bakke, professor emeritus of the University of Memphis, in an interview with the US State Department, transcripted by UNUSINFO on July 18, 2006 on the legacy of Elvis Presley

* I don't think any two men on this planet ever had the charisma of Elvis Presley and Jackie Wilson. The two of them remind me of each other: the charisma.
** {{w|Hank Ballard}}, rhythm and blues singer and songwriter, lead vocalist of the Midnighters, as noted in the book &quot;Jackie Wilson: Lonely Teardrops&quot; by Tony Douglas.

* With him, it's the pictures that spoke loudest about the man behind the genius. Take Sunday Times photographer Chris Smith's classic shot in which a scowling Seve, handsome head turned from the driving rain, jacket held across his chest like a matador's cape, and he is curling his lip. It tells you everything you need to know about his mood, his game, and his grim determination to outfox the elements and annihilate his opponent. It's pure Elvis.
** About {{w|Seve Ballesteros}}, Spain's all time greatest golfer, as reported in the Sunday Times on May 8, 2011.

* Then, in 1954, Elvis happened. The influence that the softly spoken Mississippi native had on popular music – and in particular rockabilly – is incalculable. First billed as 'The Hillbilly Cat' (again a nod towards black and white influences), the boy with the seemingly rubber limbs sang both blues and country songs infused with elements of this new rockabilly movement to the bemusement of a music industry not yet aware of the significance of what they were listening to. They didn't know it at the time, but the music establishment had just changed forever. Two years later he signed with RCA and the ensuing exposure he received on national television introduced rockabilly to its widest audience yet and, like fire to kindling, there was no stopping its spread. Other labels swooped to sign up any artists who sang even vaguely similar to Elvis and there was a bona fide musical gold rush underway and record executives and studio bigwigs fell over themselves to capitalise on this musical trend which was now sweeping the nation – ultimately playing a big part in rockabilly's eventual downfall, as more and more people tried to make money from it, (thus) watering down its raunchiness as they tried to make it appear to as large a market as possible, and (finally) taming its sound beyond recognition.
** Excerpted from an article entitled &quot;The Roots of Rockabilly: Examining the origins of a rock n' roll movement&quot;, by John Balfe, and as published in www.entertainment.ie

* I might be the biggest Elvis fan you've ever met. I mean, I've seen it all. And I just loved him. I don't know what it was. I mean, probably the same reason everybody loved Elvis. Cause he was electric. He was just electric, the greatest entertainer I've ever seen, and I think the reason why was because — and I heard him say it many times in interviews — , he always did what he felt. Genuinely did what he felt. It wasn't choreographed. It wasn't, OK, well, I'm gonna do this move at this time. It was coming up from inside of him, and it was coming out. That's what it was, and that's why people connected with it. Cause it was the real deal.”
** Country music songwriter and singer {{w|Frankie Ballard}} who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* It was the autumn of 1971, and two tickets to an Elvis show turned up at the offices of Creem magazine, where I was then employed. It was decided that those staff members who had never had the privilege of witnessing Elvis should get the tickets, which was how me and art director Charlie Auringer ended up in nearly the front row of the biggest arena in Detroit. Earlier Charlie had said, “Do you realize how much we could get if we sold these things?” I didn't, but how precious they were became totally clear the instant Elvis sauntered onto the stage. He was the only male performer I have ever seen to whom I responded sexually; it wasn't real arousal, rather an erection of the heart, when I looked at him I went mad with desire and envy and worship and self-projection. I mean, Mick Jagger, whom I saw as far back as 1964 and twice in ‘65, never even came close.
** Rock critic {{w|Lester Bangs}}'s opening sentence in Elvis' obituary, by special request from and published by the Village Voice on 20 August 1977.

* I mean, don't tell me about Lenny Bruce, man – Lenny Bruce said dirty words in public and obtained a kind of consensual martyrdom. Plus which Lenny Bruce was hip, too goddam hip if you ask me, which was his undoing, whereas Elvis was not hip at all. Elvis was a goddam truck driver who worshipped his mother and would never say &quot;shit&quot; or &quot;fuck&quot; around her, and Elvis alerted America to the fact that it had a groin with imperatives that had been stifled. Lenny Bruce demonstrated how far you could push a society as repressed as ours and how much you could get away with, but Elvis kicked &quot;How Much Is That Doggie in the Window&quot; ''out'' the window and replaced it with &quot;Let's fuck.&quot; The rest of us are still reeling from the impact. Sexual chaos reigns currently, but out of chaos may flow true understanding and harmony, and either way Elvis almost single handedly opened the floodgates.
** Lester Bangs, &quot;Where Were You When Elvis Died,&quot; originally published in &quot;The Village Voice&quot;, August 29, 1977. Republished in ''Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung'' pg. 215-216

* Elvis' lowest effective note was a low-G, as heard on &quot;He'll Have To Go&quot;(1976); on &quot;King Creole&quot; (1958), he growls some low-F's; going up, his highest full-voiced notes were the high-B's in &quot;Surrender&quot;(1961) and &quot;Merry Christmas Baby&quot; (1971), the high-G at the end of &quot;My Way&quot; (1976 live version), and the high-A of &quot;An American Trilogy&quot;(1972); using falsetto, Elvis could reach at least a high-E, e.g, as in &quot;Unchained Melody&quot; (1977), so, it was very nearly a three-octave range, although more practically two-and-a-half.
** George Barbel, as a follow up to a question on what was Elvis' range, as published in All Experts.com, on 20th May, 2007.

* I have nothing to do with him and therefore no reply is necessary
** {{w|Briggite Bardot|Brigitte Bardot}}'s answer to a journalist who had been present at Elvis Press Conference at the Prince des Galles Hotel in Paris, on June 17, 1960, and where Elvis had stated he would welcome meeting her during what turned out to be his first of three US Army furloughs in Paris. Would she meet him? the journalist asked. As published in Briggite Bardot.net's August 16, 2017 edition.

* By the time we got towards the end of our stay there, Elvis was worn out, so he got all the singers individually to do a song. Of course, all the musicians knew that I play and sang and they knew some of my songs. Elvis was obviously hesitating and thinking of something else to do, and Ronnie said: 'Let Bardwell sing'. He just went, 'Yeah, right ...'. And Guercio said, 'No, really. You wanna do something else, let him sing, because he can sing'. So Elvis went, 'Ladies and gentlemen, my bassplayer is going to sing now'. So Charlie Hodge gave me his guitar and I got Charlie's mike. Charlie was holding another mike on the guitar, for me to play it. And I didn't know what to do. I mean, how am I going to follow Kathy Westmoreland doing 'My Heavenly Father'? And Donnie Sumner said, 'Do the Hurricane song'. You know, 'Please Don't Bury Me' by {{w|John Prine}}. I got to the last verse of the song that's a bit off color. We were going from 'My Heavenly Father' to 'Kiss My Ass Goodbye', and it just took everybody by surprise. That was a really good moment, because I had shown Elvis a part of me that he didn't know of. He knew that what we had just done was show business, and it was good show business, because it was entertaining. I went back to the dressing room after the show, and Tom Diskin knocked on the door. We let him in, and he said 'I have a message for you from the Colonel' So I figured that I was fired when he sent Tom Diskin into the dressing room, but he said, He wants me to tell you that that's one of the funniest things he's ever seen at an Elvis Presley show'. I was thrilled with that. If I didn't do anything else I had done that. That was fun
** TCB Bass player {{w|TCB Band|Duke Bardwell}}'s story of how how he got to sing John Prine's ‘Please Don’t Bury Me’ during the October 14th, 1974 closing show in Lake Tahoe, NV, in an interview with Arjan as published on the FECC Forum'spage.

* Baritones UnBound continues the second season of Asolo Rep's five-year American Character Project, an in-depth look at this nation and its people. No other voice has defined the United States quite like the booming sound of the baritone. From Sinatra to Elvis and much more, this musical journey chronicles some of the most beloved singers and songs of all time. Conceived by Broadway leading man and threetime Tony Award nominee Marc Kudisch and created by Merwin Foard, three dynamite baritones take the stage to give us a captivating musical tour of the baritone voice throughout history, namely Marc Kudisch, Jeff Mattsey, and Timothy Splain. Veteran singers Jeff Mattsey and Mark Delavan join Kudisch in an illuminating performance studded with classics from Broadway, opera and beyond. From Gregorian chants to well-known arias (“Ah! Per sempre,” “Largo”) including show tunes (“I am a Pirate King,” “Oh What a Beautiful Mornin’”) and popular music (“It Was a Very Good Year,” “It’s Now or Never,” and “Pretty Women”)
** {{w|Baritones|Baritoners Unbound}}'s 2015' Press Release, in an article entitled Celebrating the UnCommon Voice of the Common Ma&quot;n

* Our son's name would be Elvis....
** {{w|Travis Barker}}, drummer for the band Blink 182, to his ex-wife Shanna Moakle, a former Miss USA, who expressed shock that Barker would tell his future bride to be {{w|Kourtney Kardashian|Kourtney Kardashian}}, via an Instagram dated 9 November 2021, that he would choose that moniker due to its connection to the film &quot;True Romance&quot;.

* Another time we played with Herman's Hermits who were very popular. Frankly, we didn't rate them musically, but we were impressed when they told us about they having met with Elvis Presley, &quot;Elvo&quot; to us. And when they told Ian Anderson he sang like 'Elvo' he was very flattered and to this day the rest of the band and I always call Ian 'Elvo'!”
** {{w|Barriemore Barlow}}, drummer for {{w|Jethro Tull}} in an interview with Nick Dent-Robinson, recalling their attending Elvis' August 11, 1969 show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas on the special invitation of UK record producer {{w|Terry Ellis (record producer)|Terry Ellis}} and as published on 03/04/2014 at the Jethro Tull Forum.

* In 1956, I was President of his Los Angeles Fan Club and when I met him I noticed he had bad complexion and realized he wasn't perfect. So maybe it was a chance for me to make it in Hollywood (LOL)
** {{w|On Two Fronts: Latinos &amp; Vietnam|Gregg Barrios}}, award-winning playwright, poet, and journalist, from an oral history interview on June 21, 2016, San Antonio, TX.

* A few days before Christmas one year, Elvis was in the store buying guns for some of his friends as gifts. There was a customer off to the side looking at a display case that held nothing but expensive Browning over-under shotguns. Presley went up to the gentleman and commented on how nice the guns were. The man agreed, but said they were way out of his price range, since they were all probably in the thousand dollar plus area. Elvis asked the guy which one he would buy if he was purchasing, and the fellow said probably the Diana grade with the gold inlay. Elvis then went back to the counter where Jerry Knight was, and as he left said to Jerry, &quot;When that guy gets ready to leave, take that Diana grade shotgun out and put it on the counter and give it to him. Tell him Elvis said Merry Christmas.&quot; Jerry said he did just that, and he thought the guy was going to faint when he received the gift.
** {{w|Ken Barnes}}, who worked at Kerr's Beverly Hill's Sports Shop, as published by the Californian on December 13, 2017.

* Not only did Elvis give teens their own music with which to identify, he proved that much of the disposable income of this generation would be spent on music, fashion, and media of its own choosing and thus turning that generation into a high-pro!le, identifiable group with their own fashion sense, hair styles, slang, taste in music, preferences in movie stars and other favorite pastimes.
** {{w|Richard Barnet}} in his book The Story Behind the Song: 150 Songs that Chronicle the 20th Century. Westport, Conn.: Greenwood Press, 2004.

* What's more, the asset class “fine art” is to investing,is what science fiction is to the rest of literature. The &quot;extreme&quot; characteristics of sci-fi and high-end art help teach investors—or readers—important lessons. Science fiction speaks to human nature, while art offers a window on the nature of asset markets. What then qualifies as &quot;extreme&quot;? Take Andy Warhol. In 1986, collectors could buy a Warhol &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; painting for about $200,000, but a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; went for $81.9 million at auction in 2018. That's a 400-fold gain—an investor's dream. The average annual return of the &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; works out to about 20.6%. Pretty good. And there is nothing more fundamental to investing than returns.
** [[w:Barron's (newspaper)|Barron's]] December 6, 2019 laud of the value of a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; by Andy Warhol, as noted in an article entitled Don't Pay $120,000 for a Banana by Al Root. article entitled &quot;Other Investing Lessons From Art Basel

* While Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison were ruling the rock-pop charts in the US, he had everyone grooving to his music in Nepal. The song &quot;Deula yo joban timilai deula&quot; may have sounded similar to what was trending internationally, but was given a funky twist of his own, and arguably was responsible for introducing rock and pop to the entire nation. He became a heartthrob in his country and was soon called the Elvis Presley of Nepal because he came like a breath of fresh air in a music scene dominated by traditional tunes.
** About {{w|Kumar Basnet}}, as noted in the Kathmandu post's March 15 edition.

* His generosity.. 
**{{w|Natasha Bassett}}'s reply to a reporter asking what in her view  defines Elvis the most, as beamed live on May 25, 2022 at the opening of ELVIS, at the Cannes Film Festival 

* He started drawing on my front all the way down to my navel, doodling as I spoke to him, in front of hundreds at his dressing room after his August 1970 opening show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Incredible sensation, he used a biro!!! That night back at my hotel, alone, I undressed and there they were, the doodlings. I did not wash until they wore off...
**{{w|Shirley Bassey}}, as told to talk host Graham Norton.

* As {{w|Jack Wilshere}} completed his first 90 minutes in the Premier League for Arsenal in over three years, and was arguably their best player in the 0-0 draw at West Ham's London Arena on Wednesday evening, &quot;A Little Less Conversation&quot;, the song by Elvis Presley, was the tune that played the players off the pitch, the lyric urging for &quot;a little more spark&quot; a fair assessment of the game. But it is the line about the need for &quot;a little less conversation, a little more action&quot; that best sums up his situation at Arsenal...
**{{w|Adam Bate}}, one of Sky Sports top anchors, assessing Wilshire's performance for his network, in an article published on December 11, 2017 ( Since Elvis' &quot;The Wonder of you&quot; is the song played at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium before players enter the field this could explain West Ham fans' decision to play &quot;A little less conversation&quot; when they, in turn, feel their own team needs to improve its play).

* He had a musically textured rhythmic voice that had emotional intelligence; concentrate on his voice: sweet, remorseful, defiant, suggestive.
**{{w|Eileen Battersby}}, literary correspondent, citing the reasons for her being hooked on Elvis after &quot;discovering&quot; him inadvertently as she changed the dial looking for her favorite classical music radio station, as published in the &quot;Irish Times&quot; in August of 2002.

* Ronnie James Dio, Bon Scott, Bruce Dickinson and Elvis Presley..
**{{w|Blaze Bayley}}, lead singer of the heavy metal band Iron Maiden, citing his biggest musical influences in an article published in Metalcastles's February 29, 2020 online edition.

* In &quot;Mystery Train&quot; (1955), he rocks out with an astounding depth, Elvis' voice never sounding so rich, nor so pleading; best of all is his final spontaneous laugh &amp; whoop of excitement, worth its weight in gold.
** Review of the CD &quot;Elvis at SUN&quot;, by Piers Beagley, as published in EIN, on 30th June, 2004

* They are two equivalent beasts even with their differences. Diego Maradona is Elvis Presley singing 'My Way' at his last concert at the Market Square Arena in Indianapolis. He embodies the deity, the absolute power, the sunset, the snowy peaks and the abyss. And Lionel Messi is Paul McCartney, the long-play list, the continuity and the health. To ask one of them to have what the other has doesn't look to be a proof of social intelligence but one of galloping dissatisfaction of a country that doesn't conform with having two of the three best footballers in history in less than 40 years.
** Argentinean novelist Juan José Becerra, in an article published in July of 2016 at El Clarin, his country's most prestigious newspaper.

* I met Elvis in 1968 at the Aladdin Casino in Las Vegas and had a drink with him. A lady asked him for an autograph but he didn't have a pen, so I gave him mine. Then he gave me the pen back and that's when I said, “Naw, you keep it Elvis. I don’t think anyone’s going to be asking for my autograph.
** William O. Beck, in an interview with Jeff Sterling for the Titusville Herald, and published on August 13, 2018.

* Elvis is right up there with death and taxes in things that can't be avoided,
** Writer Joel Beers, reviewing the 1968 NBC TV Elvis Special for {{w|OC Weekly}}, on January 4, 2018.

* Like some sort of Grammy-powered &quot;Super Friends&quot;, John Legend, Post Malone, Jennifer Lopez, Blake Shelton and more than a dozen more artists joined forces on February 17, 2019, for a prime time television special titled “Elvis All-Star Tribute&quot;. The union of Post Malone and Urban demonstrated that — for Elvis Presley Enterprises, at least — the show's mission, in large part, was to affirm the idea of Elvis' universal appeal. Adam Lambert wore a blue suit and blue suede shoes during his version of &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot;, while Jennifer Lopez went full J.Lo during &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;- Another highlight was Mac Davis' solo rendition of &quot;Memories,&quot; a song he wrote for the original 1968 special. Davis, 77, the elder statesman amongst the performers (beating John Fogerty by four years), shared a poignant memory of holding the then infant Lisa Marie Presley during a visit to Elvis' Bel Air home. He later was joined by John Legend, who sang a Davis composition that has emerged as one of Elvis' biggest posthumous hits, &quot;A Little Less Conversation.&quot; Others on the show included Darius Rucker, Ed Sheeran, Kelsea Ballerini, Alessia Cara, Josh Groban, Pistol Annies and Little Big Town. Lisa Marie did not perform, but introduced a gospel medley segment featuring Carrie Underwood and Yolanda Adams; similarly, actress Riley Keough, Lisa Marie's only daughter, introduced Dierks Bentley, who contributed with the rocker, &quot;Little Sister&quot;. “I’m here tonight because 50 years ago a King returned,” said Shelton, host of the program and — not coincidentally — a judge on the hit NBC vocal competition program, “The Voice.”, then adding that the original special had been often imitated but never surpassed while, in addition changing, as it also did, the game forever in music and television.
** {{w|The Commercial Appeal|John Beifuss}}, writing for the Commercial Appeal in an article entitled &quot;Post Malone, J.Lo, Blake Shelton: The Elvis '68 Comeback comeback&quot;,as published on their February 18, 2019 edition.

* Different as our sounds were in 1956, I could see that we were in parallel tracks, Elvis was interpreting one kind of black music, R&amp;B, while I found my inspiration in black folk songs, spirituals and calypso. ( A year passed, and while in Las Vegas) Elvis came backstage to say hello and he couldn't have been more decorous, insisting in calling me Mr. Belafonte. Only later would I learn that he had hung out for years with a lot of black musicians and had come by his style legitimately. (Alas), he performed with such put on flash that over the next years, I noticed, he inspired a whole generation of R&amp;B players who thought they could put that flash on, and become Elvis, too..
** {{w|Harry Belafonte}} in his autobiography, My song, published in 2011.

* I have been following the sound of my own voice since childhood, growing up in a family of academics in Knoxville. I spent my formative years playing air guitar while listening to the monolithic stereo console in my parents. My first concert experience was seeing an Elvis Presley in Knoxville. I was just about four years old but have some vivid memories of holding my parents' hands and people screaming, so it was kind of scary. I also remember him doing ‘Hound Dog’ and ‘Teddy Bear.’ And ‘Teddy Bear’ was such a favorite at the age of four that I brought out a big styrofoam guitar for it.
** {{w|Brian Bell}}, discussing the effect seeing Elvis show in Knoxville, on April 8, 1972 had on him, for Live4ever, published on April 15, 2007.

* I knew Elvis getting the bug to entertain, singing  gospel music for the congregation in his own church, but there was something that was more important to him. It was black music. He wanted to be a gospel singer the way the black people sang. Long back, he'd sing to a broom, pretending it was a guitar. We thought he was crazy....
** Sam Bell, Elvis' closest  African American childhood friend in East Tupelo, MS, and the main source for Director Baz Luhrmann's  research on Elvis' pre-teen years for his 2022 movie {{w|Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis}}, in an  interview taped in Memphis, TN in December of 2020.  

* One evening, it's said he rocked around the clock all night before disappearing into one of the rooms along with eight eager Bunnies. What happened behind closed doors remains a mystery, but {{w|Hugh Hefner}} was apparently so impressed that he named the spot 'The Elvis Room'.
** Alex Belloti, in an article entitled &quot;Playboy mansion secrets – ghost sightings, Elvis' wild night with Bunnies, 'sex rituals&quot; as published in the {{w|Daily Mirror}}'s August 6, 2021 edtion.

* The whole exhibition is focused on artists that I’ve listened to at some point in my life who represented something. Lana Del Rey, I was listening to her a lot when I was around 14, and that was really the start of me developing my own taste in music. Adele, she’s iconic as well, and a lot of people would recognize that album. Elvis Presley too — he’s a huge artist. So I wanted the album (cover) to be recognizable, but also for the Western artists to be big, just to show how important these Arab artists are as well.”
** Zineb Belrhiti, the UAE's top album designer, telling the Arab News why she chose Elvis images as well as those of Lana del Rey and Adele as inspiration for the album covers of Arab artists, in an article published on August 5, 2021.

* Elvis Presley is undeniably one of the most iconic and influential figures of the 20th century.
** {{w|Bendigo Art Gallery}}'s Curator Lauren Ellis'  laud  of Elvis,  as noted in Scenestr's March 28, 2022 edition. 

* Did you ever meet Elvis Presley?
** {{w|Pope Benedict XVI}}'s question to the then terminally ill Irish comedian {{w|Frank Carson}}, who, in 1987, had been ordained with a Papal knighthood of the &quot;Order of St. Gregory&quot; by the now Saint {{w|Pope John Paul II}}. The then sitting Pope's interest, expressed some 30 years after Presley's death, may lie in the fact that he was stationed, as a young professor within the German priesthood at a town not too far from Presley's barracks during his 18 month stay in Germany with the US Army. Carson's zany reply to the Pope? &quot;Not yet, your Holiness, but I soon will&quot;, (Published in the Belfast Telegraph on August 10, 2017).

* I think she's going to become as big as Elvis Presley. He was, incidentally, the handsomest guy I ever met in my life, and a very nice person too.
** {{w|Tony Bennett}}, referring to singer, songwriter, and actress Lady Gaga in an article on Billboard published on August 17, 2011 and during an interview with the Guardian, on 17 October, 2013.

*I remember the first time in '56, I saw Elvis. I'm like, I'm buying that record because it's just the look that gets you, it's almost as much as the music. I kind of always had this theory that you look and listen with your eyes and your ears at the same time. He was the first rock 'n roll artist I loved. In my life, I started with him, but as I got into music, Elvis and the Rolling Stones led me to blues.
** [[w:Bill Bentley (record producer)|Bill Bentley]],American music industry executive in an interview with Salon, published on May 25, 2018.

* I listen to a lot of Elvis on the school bus. My bus driver, Ken Lyons, is — was, he's not with us anymore — but he's the biggest Elvis fan. So Channel 13 on SiriusXM radio, many, many nights listening to Elvis Presley and him educating me on Elvis. He's great, he's one of a kind. You can label him however you want to, but his country career was unbelievable. He had a voice that even if you didn't see all the moves and how good looking he was and all that stuff, you just listen to his voice when he's on the Louisiana Hayride with Faron Young and it's like, 'Wow, his voice is really unbelievable.' Great singer. And lot to learn.
** {{w|Dierks Bentley}}, in an interview with popculturecountry and published on their February 15,2019 edition.

* The reason I chose Elvis Presley' songs as the teaser for this article is to trigger some autobiographical memories for adults who were adolescents when his music topped the charts, which he dominated throughout the 1950s. Hopefully, these songs will inspire older adults, baby boomers, and people of all ages to get up from your chair and dance....
** {{w|Christopher Bergland}}, activities of daily living in an article entitled ̊&quot;One More Reason to Keep Dancing̊&quot; as published in Psychology Today's December 19, 2018 edition.

* Appropriation, then, has something to do with intent. When another culture's property is exploited for profit, that's appropriation, and it's always deserving of criticism. Elvis was just being Elvis. In &quot;Elvis Presley:The Searcher&quot; an HBO documentary, its signal achievement is in showing how the singer's early years, family culture, and socioeconomic background made inevitable the musician he was to become. It makes clear that he was, first, and foremost, a committed artist, utterly dedicated to music and its ability to move people.
** Robby Berman, as published on the {{w|Big Think}}'s April 19, 2018 edition, in an article entitled &quot;Was Elvis Presley a cultural appropriator of black music?

* Fernest Acernaux was not playing zydeco on that accordion, it was rhythm and blues. And you couldn’t make it playing French, so we played blues and rock ‘n’ roll from Fats Domino, Bobby Blue Bland and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Rod Bernard}}, celebrating his 72 years of pioneering &quot;swamp pop&quot;, which combines New Orleans-style rhythm and blues, country and western, and Cajun and black Creole music, as ´published in the Daily Advertiser on November 6, 2017.

* Elvis is the greatest cultural force in the twentieth century. He introduced the beat to everything, music, language, clothes, it's a whole new social revolution – the 60's comes from it.”
** {{w|Leonard Bernstein}}, as told to TIME founder {{w|Henry Luce}}'s top aide Richard Clurman in an article published by TIME on August 10, 2017.

* Describe Elvis Presley? He was the greatest there ever was, is, or ever will be. We did not have the airwaves he had, but he delivered what he obtained brilliantly. Let me conclude by saying that I realized during those early years that Elvis and I were creating a new sound. When I heard on the radio that he had died, I had to pull my car over to the shoulder of the road as I  couldn't believe the initial reports. Elvis's art was a unique art, his style influential enough to be copied by many. But, no one can copy his. The one thing Elvis had that no  one else had   was THAT voice 
** {{w|Chuck Berry}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html as noted in Harry DeWitts Elvis, the Sun years,  and  In a AugusT 18 of 1977 phone interview 

* Eventually, everybody has to die, except Elvis.
** {{w|Dave Berry}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Welcome to the &quot;Veranda Suite&quot;, Elvis Presley used to stay here...
** The {{w|Beverly Wilshire Hotel}}'s Front Desk introduction to room 1001 on the 10th floor, which highlights a rooftop yurt purported to provide its guests with a one-in-a-million urban glamping experience right in the centre of the city of Los Angeles, as detailed in an article in the Telegraph on February 21, 2018.

* i) When you think of Vegas, of show business, of flash, of those performances, you think of Elvis. He is iconic; a lot of performers today look to that for inspiration ii) You have to have soul to sing like Elvis, and Elvis had soul&quot; &quot;
** {{w|Beyonce}}, i) as published in www.graceland.com and ii) Elvis Viva Las Vegas documentary.

* Elvis Presley movies – I'm a big Elvis fan – although I don't think you should feel guilty about pleasures.
** UK comedian {{w|Sanjeev Bhaska}}'s answer to a question on what is his biggest guilty pleasure, in an interview with the Mail Online published on July 29, 2018.

* When they asked me where I would want them to place my statue, I said I wanted it to stand between the figures of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson,
** {{w|Asha Bhosle}}, Superstar singer from India, on what she told the Madame Russaaud people in London on the day her statue, only the second from a woman from her country, was unveiled,as published on INDIARV's online website on October 2, 1917.

* Elvis Was A Democrat
** {{w|Joe Biden}}'s ad, as circulated before the 2020 Presidential election.

* Intensity of communication, emotion, how the fusion of poetry is related to me as a listener. I'm disappointed by the bland and perfect vocal accomplishment, which I hear on so many recordings. Which is not to say that classical singers shouldn't try to become vocally masterful. I take my cue more and more from good pop singers. The other day I was looking at an early concert of Elvis Presley. It was fascinating to watch, the body language, the vocal suppleness
** Conor Biggs, Irish bass/baritone and classical singer, a founding member of {{w|Psallentes}}, a Gregorian chant ensemble, explaining to Michael Dervan, of the Irishman, for tips he looks for in a recital, as a way to better communicate with a listener, as published on that paper on February 1, 2013

* In late 1959, Ibn Saud, the then King of Saudi Arabia. was spending time in Germany for medical reasons. One of his sons was a huge Elvis admirer, giving him a precious garment with golden applications, a waterpipe and a tea set with the royal crest on it, as a thank you gesture for his having left the Grunwald Hotel so that his father and his entire entourage could make total use of it. Soon after posing with the garment for the King's son at his newly rented house on #14 Goethestrasse, his friend and fellow GI Charlie Hodge had a zany idea: why couldn't he go out and walk in front of the German people, or anyone, for that matter, using the garment so as not to be recognized. This was finally done on February 1960, as he took a cab to the &quot;Mainzer Karneval&quot;, a big public party, staying there for 3 days in the nearby town of Mainz which was not far from Bad Nauheim. And nobody noticed the by then Sgt Elvis Presley, in spite of him being accompanied by Hodge, plus two bodyguards all dressed as sailors as well as by a mysterious girl from Bad Nauheim, who did the translations. Elvis joined the whole programme, the clubs, the pubs, the bars, parades but stayed sober. The others did not, LOL. but they all returned safe, late at night.
** As published by {{w|BILD}}, Germany's highest selling tabloid, in an article published in March of 1960.

* (For) Mississippi: Elvis Presley. He served as perhaps the most important figure in the mainstream popularization of early rock, his Billboard chart legacy being equally astounding. He's scored 109 Hot 100 hits between the chart's start in 1958 and 2020 (!) and boasts the most charted albums in the archives of the Billboard 200 albums chart. Simply, he's still the King of Rock &amp; Roll.
** {{w|Billboard (magazine)|Billboard}},in an article focussing on the top 50 US artists from each of the 50 states of the Union, as published on their July 4, 2020 edition

* So I said &quot;Why don't we turn out all the lights so we don't see this vast empty looking studio the size of a football field and make it as intimate as we can?&quot; We could barely make Elvis out through the glass from the control room into the studio when we cued him the backing-track. And then, Elvis started to sing. It was magic,. Next thing I know he's curled on the floor in almost a fetal position singing with a microphone next to his mouth. The hair on my arms were standing up. And that's the take that we wound up using on the soundtrack album. I did not use it in the TV show because I'm a total believer that if you're doing television I don't want anyone lip-syncing. I want the real thing. And to be completely honest, as great as the sit-down shows are, had I been able to get cameras and tape him there, it would have been even greater. I never put anybody I worked with on a pedestal, yet the first time I saw him, I was awed, first of all, by the way he looked. If he was not famous, you would still stop and stare. As a director, you're looking to see which is the good side, the bad side. Elvis was perfect from every angle. It was like a god walking in towards me...
** {{w|Steve Binder}}, director of the 1968 NBC/TV Special explaining how Elvis recorded &quot;If I can dream&quot;, on June 23, 1968, exclusive for The King's court, on February 6, 2010, as well as in an interview with Vanity Fair published on August 17, 2018.

* His privileged access let him show Muhammad Ali away from the ring: preaching or sleeping, posing with black leaders like Malcolm X and James Meredith or playing with his children or with Elvis Presley.
** About {{w|Howard Bingham}}, the photographer who took an estimated 1 million pictures of Muhammad Ali over more than 50 years while becoming one of the boxer's closest friends, as published in his obituary in the Seattle Times, on December 23, 2016

* Time magazine at the turn of the century asked its readers to tell them who they thought was the person who contributed most to the 20th century. Well, obviously people said Martin Luther King Jr, others said Nelson Mandela and Elvis Presley. But who do you think was chosen? Einstein, whose books I saw being burned in 1933...
** Journalist and Holocaust survivor [[w:Walter Bingham (journalist)|Walter Bingham]]

* I’m a kid of the ’60s. When I was growing up I used to love going to see Elvis Presley in the cinema. I’m still a big Elvis fan. They’ve rehashed some of his music, with Elvis singing, along with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Really incredible, so beautiful. Myself and my wife actually played one of the songs – And The Grass Won’t Pay No Mind – at our marriage ceremony, as we were walking into the registry office.
** Irish Journalist {{w|Charlie Bird}} in an interview with the Irish Examiner as published on their March 11, 2021 edition.

* The Elvis effect, resulted in a lot more people getting poliovirus vaccinations. We need a series of ‘Elvises’ to promote vaccination for COVID-19 protection
** {{w|Pamela Bjorkman}}, structural biologist at the California Institute of Technology, in an article published by USA Today's April 19, 2021 edition.

* Cilla would record and perform Beatles numbers throughout her career, but in the 60s and up to the mid-70s, she did more than most. Her renditions of &quot;Yesterday&quot;,&quot;For No One&quot; , &quot;Across The Universe&quot; and others became big favourites with radio DJs, not to mention with The Beatles, who always liked the way she interpreted their material. Previous praise from Randy Newman, for her take on one of his songs had been sweet music to her ears. And just imagine how she felt when Paul McCartney said to her that her &quot;Long And Winding Road&quot; was the song's definitive version. She had, however and this to her dying day, something to be immensely proud of – Elvis Presley had her &quot;You're my world&quot; on his famous jukebox at Graceland.
** About UK singer {{w|Cilla Black}}, in an article published at the Sunday Post̪'s December 28, 2018 edition but which nevertheless fails to highlight that it was her &quot;You're my world&quot; which was actually being played at Elvis' jukebox when the Beatles visited him at his 525 Perugia Way home in Bel Air, California on August 27, 1965.

* I was in a friend's studio when a buddy of his called and told him. 'I got some news for you. Do you want me to tell you now or later?' I said later because I was in the studio when President Kennedy was killed and also when Martin Luther King was killed, so I knew the effect bad news can have on a session. When the session was over he told me and I thought he was joking and it didn't hit me until I lay down to sleep. The one other time that I experienced that was when my mother and my son died. It wasn't because he wouldn't he doing any more of my songs. It was like a piece of the whole business. I mean some people you just figure are never going to die. Inside, they'll always live. When they're gone, a certain piece goes and you just can't believe it.
** Reaction of {{w|Otis Blackwell}}, the African-American songwriter, singer, and pianist, whose work significantly influenced rock and roll, to the death of Elvis Presley

* He would probably be considered a baritone, but he could reach notes that most baritone singers could not. Much of his abilities emanated from a very intense desire to execute a song as he wanted to do it, which meant that he ''really'' sang higher than he would normally be able to. When the adrenaline is going, and the song is really pumping, you can get into that mode where you can actually do things, vocally, that you couldn't normally do. So he had a tremendous range because of his desire to excel and be better, and that's why he could do a lot of things that most people couldn't.
** {{w|Terry Blackwood}}, lead singer of the Gospel group, the &quot;Imperials&quot;.

* The moment he walked in, it was almost like all the guys there were bowing down to him, but he didn't care whatsoever. It was an amazing time, because the electricity just floated through the air. Everybody there was on cloud nine but he just acted the way a country boy would act. Elvis was truly a gentleman and a sweetheart of a guy.
** Drummer {{w|Hal Blaine}}, telling Rollingstone what it felt like to be with Elvis in the studio during the taping of 1968 NBC special, and in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* My grandmother, known as Ms Topp at the local public school, lived on Church Street. She taught Elvis Presley music and I'll tell you a funny story about it. Years later when I asked what he was like, she said ‘Oh you know, he really was a sweet boy but he didn’t have a lick of talent’ so that tells you something about how we judge talent in our family that's for sure,” LOL.
** {{w|Marion Blakey}}, former head of Rolls-Royce North America and of the Federal Aviation Administration, recalling what she calls her &quot;first claim to fame&quot;, in an interview to Tupelo's Daily Journal published on October 31, 2018.

* Record producer Phil Spector, who is currently serving his sentence for the 2003 shooting death of actress {{w||Lana Clarkson}},finally settled his divorce with his third wife, Rachelle Short. In the settlement, signed December 4, 2018, they are forced to sell their infamous castle and evenly divide the proceeds, while she keeps many of her vehicles, most notably a 2015 Aston Martin Vanquish and even a small aircraft. He, on the other hand, keeps his various Grammy Awards, Gold and Platinum Records, a 1965 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud III and John Lennon memorabilia, including an electric guitar and a lithograph, as well as a pair of diamond cufflinks gifted personally to him by Elvis Presley.
** Blast magazine, in an article entitled &quot;Phil Spector splits castle with ex-Wife, keeps diamond cufflinks from Elvis in divorce settlement&quot;, published twenty days after it was finalized, in an article published on December 24, 2018.

* From Thursday to Sunday, fans traveled in a mob mentality with Tiger Woods, sprinting from hole to hole and emphatically yelling “He’s like Elvis Presley,” and, “We want to roar with you, baby!” along the way. It was the “Walking Dead” meets “Caddyshack.” A strange combination.. but the truth.
** Jon Blauvelt, recalling the way {{w|Tiger Woods}} captivated the attention of thousands upon thousands of people who stormed upon Ponte Vedra Beach for the sole reason of watching him play, as published in the Ponte Vedta Reporter on May 13, 2018.

* But better Elvis should pay those multi-millions in taxes (thereby doing as much for the War on Poverty) than you or I. &quot;If his manager&quot;, said Goldman, &quot;had sheltered his income from the taxman and invested it intelligently, Elvis Presley could have been as wealthy as Bob Hope&quot;. Well, I ask you. But I think we can be grateful to Elvis for his grin, his pelvis, his leap, and for the punky, biracial, engaging, ineluctably erotic and still mysterious tenor of his voice.
** {{w|Roy Blount Jr.}}, reviewing Albert Goldman's Elvis, for the NYT in 1981. See also Kelly Phillips Erb's essay on Forbes, focusing on Elvis being his country's highest personal taxpayer for almost a decade.

* He had an amazing charisma, was so passionate about what he did, and the people could feel it.
** {{w|James Blunt}} in a 1997 filmed interview

* I remember well the afternoon when Elvis Presley and his mother came into the Tupelo Hardware. He wanted to buy a .22 rifle and his mother wanted him to buy a guitar. I showed him the rifle first and then I got the guitar for him to look at. I put a wood box behind the showcase and let him play the guitar for some time. Then he said he did not have that much money, which was only $7.75 plus a 2% sales tax. His mother told him that if he would buy the guitar instead of the rifle, she would pay the difference for him. The small amount of money that he had to spend had been earned from running errands and doing small jobs for people.
** Forrest L. Bobo, of the {{w|Tupelo Hardware}} store in Tupelo, MS, in an affidavit written in 1979 where he confirmed the details of the purchase of Elvis first guitar, a 1940 Kay model, paid for by both Elvis, with his savings, and his mother, for his eleventh birthday and on January 8, 1946.

* There is no denying that Elvis had a great talent. He possessed a pliant voice with extensive range and a soft and enveloping timbre. Plus, he was an extremely charismatic person. It’s curious that the two songs of his I sing the mosthave a long history behind them. In both cases, Elvis' versions are extraordinary and memorable. Yet I have the wishful thinking that I too had something to say, to add, artistically speaking, to the performance of these classics. The melody of &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; comes from a sentimental ballad from the time of the American Civil War. It’s a song with roots that go back to the 1800s.  As for &quot;Can't help falling in love&quot;  the melody is even older, being taken from a very famous Romanza composed at the end of the 18th century, Plaisir d'amour,  a well-known French love song that was composed in 1784 by Jean-Paul-Égide Martini.
**{{w|Andrea Bocelli}}'s laud of Elvis the singer and the artist,in an interview with The Express as published in their January 15, 2022 edition

* We're now trying to get the National Park Service to recognize his home in Louisville as a national historic landmark. Hopefully we can partner with them to continue to run it as a museum, like they've done it with Martin Luther Kings home in Atlanta and with Elvis Presley's home in Memphis. Ali walks among those giants.”
** George Bochetto, trial lawyer and former [[w:Pennsylvania Department of State|Pennsylvania State Boxing Commissioner]] in an article published at Wave3 on February 24, 2019

* She came back, and that was that.  We never spoke about it again. Kind of flattering,   now that I look back, to know that she chose me over Elvis.  Very few men can say that...
** {{w|Peter Bogdanovich}}, commenting on how he reacted to Cybil Shepherd's returning to him after Elvis and she were having an affair in 1972 and,   after a month or so, he  asked her to choose between them, in an interview for the Biography channel on the life of Cybil Shepherd

* At age 5, he decided that he wanted to be a musician when his father took him to the Elvis Presley concert in his home town of Sioux City on May 26, 1956.
** About US musician {{w|Tommy Bolin}}, (1951–76) former lead guitarist for the UK band Deep Purple, in an article penned by Tom Longden and published on the Des Moines Register on 23 December 2017.

* Three friends of mine and I were singing ‘Teddy Bear&quot; and I remember thinking it not at all remarkable that we would sing this Elvis Presley song. So here's these four black young men singing, ‘Just wanna be your Teddy Bear,’ We just said, “This is OK, this guy is alright.‘ I think my peers thought Elvis Presley was OK.
** {{w|Julian Bond}}, African American Civil rights leader recalling the time, in 1957, when he and his friends found themselves singing an Elvis song at an ice-breaker event at Atlanta's prestigious black Morehouse College, as published by the Independent on August 16, 2017.

* We Germans will never understand U.S. foreign policy. You save Europe with The Marshall Plan, Berlin with the Airlift, and then you turn around and give us.... Elvis Presley.&quot;
** The Federal City of {{w|Bonn}}'s Public Relations Office on the arrival of PFC Elvis Presley to Germany, on October 3, of 1958.

* i) I recently met with Coretta Scott King, John Lewis and some of the other leaders of the American civil rights movement, and they reminded me of the cultural apartheid rock &amp; roll was up against. I think the hill they climbed would have been much steeper were it not for the racial inroads black music was making on white pop culture. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Creedence Clearwater Revival were all introduced to the blues through Elvis. He was already doing what the civil rights movement was demanding: breaking down barriers. You don't think of Elvis as political, but that is politics: changing the way people see the world. ii) In Elvis, you had the whole lot; it's all there in that elastic voice and body. As he changed shape, so did the world. His last performances showcase a voice even bigger than his gut, where you cry real tears as the music messiah sings his tired heart out, turning casino into temple. I think the Vegas period is underrated. I find it the most emotional. By that point Elvis was clearly not in control of his own life, and there is this incredible pathos. The big opera voice of the later years -- that's the one that really hurts me.
** {{w|Bono}} lead singer of [[U2]], for Rolling Stone magazine, as published in their April 15, 2004 edition.- 2004 Issue Rolling Stone

* I identify a lot with Elvis. He was a loyal guy and love his style of singing.
** {{w|Jon Bon Jovi}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Elvis Presley was serving in the military in 1959 when he came under the weather. Doctors diagnosed tonsillitis and suggested that the vocalist, then the biggest performer in the universe, have his tonsils removed. Presley, already more trustworthy than most modern performers in his pleasant acceptance of military duty, agreed. The problem was that no doctor nearby wanted to risk operating on the star, fearing that malpractice would leave him without his golden voice, and either a lawsuit or an an angry fan could ruin any medical career and/or life. They gave him penicillin instead and fortunately everything worked out
** Ryan Book, in The Music Times Dec 1, 2014

* When Bob King and I hosted our radio shows on WBMK and WKGN in the 1980s, we played R&amp;B music of the 1940s through 1969, talked about the music, the artists and stories related to the music industry and revealed the real names of the performers while taking requests from the listeners. We would chuckle as we introduced “The Twist” by Ernest Evans. How could our audience know that the real name of the man who recorded “It’s Just a Matter of Time” was Benjamin Franklin Peay? I believe I would have changed my name to Brook Benton, too. Yet one could go from bad to worse. I don't know why Otha Elias Bates McDaniels changed his name to Bo Diddley. Dinah Washington had 34 top 10 records. She didn't like her birth name, Ruth Jones, and changed it. Some of the others were James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, with 107 hits during the time we were on the air. Billie Holiday, the great jazz singer changed her name from Eleanor Gough. Many referred to her as Lady Day. Ella Fitzgerald, the most honored jazz singer of all time, won the DownBeat magazine poll as top female vocalist more than 20 times. Aretha Franklin was the Queen of Soul with 60 numbers on that chart during our broadcast. Although we did not play any Bessie Smith, we knew she had been dubbed Empress of the Blues. Finally, on our shows we recognized Elvis Presley, who had 33 numbers on the R&amp;B chart, as the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll.
** {{w|Robert J. Booker}} African American freelance writer and former executive director of the Beck Cultural Exchange Center, in an article published by the Knoxville News Sentinel on 11 October 2016.

* We became very good friends, leased homes in Bel Air and visited each other. And back then, in the early 60's of course, I had a wife, and four little children, he was not married, and would come over some afternoons unannounced and visit with me, my wife and my children. They would maybe jump out of the swimming pool, and come running up and get in his lap, and he would become soaking wet, you know, and I would say, 'Girls, don't do that'. And Elvis said, 'Oh, no, let them, let them'. And I knew that he wanted a family.
** {{w|Pat Boone}}, in an exclusiv3e interview with David Adamas, for elvisaustralia

* He was not quite a hillbilly, not yet a drugstore cowboy. He was a Southern — in that word's connotation of rebellion and slow, sweet charm.
** {{w|Stanley Booth}}, casting back to the 1950s in his Esquire magazine article “Situation Report: Elvis in Memphis, 1967.”

* I may consider filing a resolution for Indiana to honor Elvis, after all we should do something to recognize the fact that his last concert was here in Indiana.
** {{w|Bruce Borders}} Representative for the 45th District in the Indiana House of Representatives, former Mayor of Jasonville, Indiana and an Elvis ETA since 1980.

* i) We must not condemn music which is not on a level as high as we’d like. A person who is listening to Elvis Presley in a five and ten is listening to a folk singer and is getting something from it. ii) The only thing he does like me is that he doesn´t come back for an encore. When he walks away the show is over.
** Comedian {{w|Victor Borge}},present at the Civic Auditorium, in Omaha, on May 20,1956.

* We've drafted people who are far, far more important than he is.
** Chairman of the Memphis Draft Board {{w|Stanley Bowers}}'s statement to the media, made public about a month before it became known that he had made a special visit to Graceland, over the 1957 Christmas period, to PERSONALLY inform Elvis of his impending draft, the first time that such a special gesture had ever been made by any Army Board, to any draftee, in the history of the US Armed Forces, as noted in the book, &quot;Colonel Parker, the Curious life of Elvis' manager&quot;

* Apparently Elvis heard my demos, because we were both on RCA, and Colonel Parker thought I should be introduced to him and maybe the two of us start working in a production-writer capacity. But it never came to pass. I would have loved to have worked with him. God, I would have adored it. He did send me a note once, which read &quot;All the best, and have a great tour.&quot; I still have that note. He was a major hero of mine and I was probably stupid to think that having the same birthday as him meant something.
** {{w|David Bowie}}, commenting on what could have taken place had he and Elvis worked together, as published in interview bowiewonderworld and wwwelvisnet.

* My celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I got to first meet him with George at Madison Square Garden in 1972.
** {{w|Pattie Boyd}}, the former wife of George Harrison and Eric Clapton, in an interview with the Sydney Herald in an article entitled &quot; Pattie Boyd: What my marriage to George Harrison and Eric Clapton taught me, as published on May 5, 2018. Two years later, she accompanied Clapton to a meet up with Elvis at a Memphis cinema. (Kindly refer to Clapton's entry).

* To have Elvis come home, so to speak during this bicentennial year for the state he was born into is very exciting,
** Betsy Bradley, Director of the {{w|Mississippi Museum of Art}}, in Jackson, MS, commenting on the loan of a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; by Andy Warhol, from Richmond's Virginia Museum of Fine Art, and which is being shown at the Jackson museum as part of its Mississippi bicentennial exhibition and as reported by CBS's WJTV Channel 12, on November 29, 2017.

* When I was in high school, playing for Crystal City High at an away game in Memphis, I climbed up the wall that surrounded Graceland, reached over to a limb that was from a tree inside the wall, snapped the leaf off the tree and kept that leaf in my wallet for about six years.
** {{w|Bill Bradley}}, NY Knicks forward, then U.S. Senator for the state of New Jersey who ran unsuccessfully for the Democratic Party's nomination for President in the 2000 election. in an article for CJonline, published on January 27, 2000

* He was such a nice guy to work with, a quick study. He'd go over and play the demo acetate and listen to a bunch of them. When he finally found one he liked, by the time he walked from there back over to the mic, he knew the song.
** {{w|Harold Bradley}}, guitarist who worked with Elvis in Nashville, as noted in his obituary published on CMT News̺'January 31, 2019 edition.

* I was in Las Vegas giving a corporate presentation, because that's how I made money in the off season. Elvis called and I was skeptical at first. But then there is that specific way he spoke, and it was definitely him. He told me he liked the way I played and invited me to see him. It showed how much of a fan he was, that he wanted an NFL player to come and play with him and his buddies. But I had to catch a flight in an hour and man, it would have been the story of a lifetime, playing backyard football with Elvis. And I still think about it now.
** {{w|Terry Bradshaw}}, recalling with much fondness the day when the phone rang at his Las Vegas hotel room, in the midst of the Pittsburgh Steelers' 1970s glory days, as noted in an article entitled &quot;NFL, the story of Elvis and his NFL fandom&quot; as reported by Fox News on their January 8, 2018 edition.

* Elvis Presley bloated, over the hill, adolescent entertainer, suddenly drawing people into Las Vegas, had nothing to do with excellence, just myth. It’s convenient for people to believe that something is wonderful, therefore they’re wonderful.
** {{w|Marlon Brando}}, as stated in an interview published in Playboy magazine's January 1979 edition, thus only seventeen months after Presley passed away but more than three decades BEFORE his companion of eight years {{w|Rita Moreno}}, wrote in her 2014 autobiography entitled &quot;Rita Moreno: A Memoir&quot;, that during their time together she once went out on a date with Elvis then duly informed Brando, but in both cases only to make him jealous. Brando, who threw chairs all over when told, died in 2004, weighing 310 pounds and was never aware of her ruse.

* Winston Churchill would add wisdom, war stories and outrageous comments. As a dyslexic, and I love to learn from people with very different minds to my own, English mathematician and early computer developer, Ada Lovelace would be my second of six guests. Elvis Presley, one of the greatest entertainers of all time and an example of people with great talent, along with Nelson Mandela, would bring magic to the evening. Finally, the only person on my list whom I have already met is Princess Diana, the most delightful company, her presence at my dinner party spreading joy, laughter, and kindness around the room.
** UK Billionaire [[w:Richard Branson|Richard Branson]]'s ideal dinner party, albeit partial, list, as published in Real Clear Life's edition of September 30, 2016.

* Heartbreak, jealousy, loneliness-, Elvis Presley gave luxuriant voice to these less than cheerful emotions, but did you ever think of him as a balladeer of the unbearable bleakness of being, of the horror of existing without purpose in a godless universe? In the improbably vivacious London-born production of &quot;Woyzeck&quot;, vintage Elvis recordings provide much of the background music for Daniel Kramer's adaptation of Georg Büchner's great, prophetic drama of existential emptiness from the 1830's. Dolly Parton and, more predictably, Beethoven, make aural guest appearances but it's the voice of the Pelvis that sets the rhythm of life. And if the &quot;wedding&quot; of Presley and Büchner is more shotgun marriage than natural love match, at least you leave the theater feeling less suicidal than you normally do, after two hours with one of the grimmest heroes in Western literature.
** Ben Brantley, Chief Theater critic for The New York Times, in his article &quot;Where Existential Despair Meets Elvis&quot; (18 November 2006)

* A supplicant asks priest and television star Father Gavlin &quot;Who is more pupular, the Pope or Elvis Presley?&quot; The question is rhetorical...
** [[w:Gaylord Brewer|Gaylord Brewer]], discussing celebrity on the [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] &quot;A Casebook&quot; (p.124).

* Like most black people in the South, and to whom God has pressed down the harp of a thousand strings, that harp only needed tuning. Elvis' voice was that type of voice that agreed with the thought of Calvary. He had that type of bent and that type of inclination, AND ATTITUDE, that suggested that God could use him. I gave the music a different approach, a new beat, one beat, two beats, high or low, it didn't matter. So, I said come on in here and put your things together. And it was a glorious experience and Elvis was in that group. And when Elvis passed away it was a saddening thing. It was as if the clouds themselves started crying.
** {{w|W. Herbert Brewster}}, African American Baptist minister, composer, dramatist, singer, poet and community leader, explaining both how he changed the format of many gospel composed songs that led to him writing legendary Gospel songs many iconic Gospel legends such as Mahalia Jackson, Aretha Franklin and others would go on to record, as well as the chance of fate that led to him meeting a yet unknown teenage Elvis Presley when radio DJ Dewey Phillips reached out to him in the early 1950's to integrate his All-Black Church services with some of Dewey's White listeners of his R&amp;B music station, and as quoted in both &quot;Elvis Presley &amp; The Black Community – That Echo Will Never Die&quot; and in his book &quot;People Get Ready!: A New History of Black Gospel Music&quot;.

* When you walk into a New Zealander's home there's occasionally a portrait of the Queen or the Pope, but more often than not, hanging on a lounge wall, is a piece of Elvis Presley memorabilia. You'd see a hell of a lot of Elvis. As far as we kiwis are concerned, Elvis never left the building.
** Jackie Bridges, secretary of the Memory of Elvis Fan Club New Zealand, recalling her times in real estate in the city of Auckland, in an article entitled &quot; Kiwis can't help falling in love with the memory of Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in {{w|Stuff.co.nz}} on August 11, 2018.

* In early 1969, at American Studios in Memphis, I had a secret entrance made from an underground garage, a trap door coming from underneath the basement, so Elvis could drive in and the people wouldn't chase him. Girls would pull his hair, as well as his clothes off and all that stuff, which was fun, but eventually it got to be a pain. So I told him how he wouldn't have that problem, he could just go in, come up the steps, and we would record..
** [[w:David Briggs (American musician)|David Briggs]], in an article published on Billboard magazine, November 25, 2016 and entitled &quot;As Nashville Grows and Gentrifies, David Briggs Sets About Preserving Music Row History&quot;

* I'd have Sir David Attenborough though I think everyone would have him. Then Emma Thompson was one that I think would be really nice to have dinner with as she's always seemed like a really interesting lady, so she would be on my alive list of guests. In terms of deceased people, I would have a young Elvis I think, or before he was at his peak anyway. Then JFK. They would be four interesting people, with different backgrounds. You could go right back and say Julius Caesar but I am NOT sure he would totally get what David Attenborough's been doing...
** {{w|Miles Briggs}}, British politician and member of the Scottish Parliament after the 2016 election, answering a question of what would be his ideal short list of dinner guests at his table, as published in Horywood on January 17, 2018

* The late writer [[w:Norman Mailer|Norman Mailer]], used to tell me that, in history, only a few names get known. So, you know, Andy Warhol would paint Mao Tse Tung or Elvis Presley. I think Trump always wanted to be in that class of a known name.
** [[w:Douglas Brinkley|Douglas Brinkley]],  describing the by then former US President Donald Trump as someone clever and smart but with no sense of history,in  an interview with CNN on 15 July 2021. 

* That's when the price of art really started going up....
** Billionaire [[w:Eli Broad|Eli Broad]], after pointing towards Andy Warhol's &quot;Single Elvis&quot;, since 2015 gracing the walls of the then recently built family-owned Broad Museum in Los Angeles, CA, and as told to reporter Jeffrey Fleishman who interviewed him and his wife Edye inside the museum for the LA Times on August 22, 2015..

* We at Fox were the only people who could put John Wayne, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe in movies and not have them do any business,
** Jack Brodsky, Fox producer,  as noted in  Vanity Fair's  April 1998  edition

* In the live music business, it doesn’t get any bigger than stadium concerts. Thanks to the large seating capacity of most stadiums, artists playing at the top echelon of touring can earn $4 million to $5 million per show — double and triple what they can earn at arenas.But the model for stadium touring business wasn’t drafted by a major concert promotion company or a professional sports executive, but by a 16-year-old girl named Kay Wheeler who found herself swept off her feet by a Mississippi singer named Elvis Presley. According to the new book &quot;Rock Concert&quot; by Wall Street Journal music and arts contributor Marc Meyers, Wheeler convinced the Cotton Bowl to host a concert headlined by the “Blue Suede Shoes” crooner, convinced a local radio station to be her partner, and drew in a capacity crowd thanks a letter writing campaign promoting the concer
** Dave Brooks, reviewing ** [[w:Marc Meyers|Marc Meyers]],'s &quot;Rock concert&quot;, an oral history telling the story of the individuals who helped launch the modern live music industry, as published in Billboard's December 18, 2021 edition

* I'm sitting in the drive-through and I've got my three girls in the back and this station comes on and it's playing &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; the original version, and my girls are jumping up and down, going nuts. I'm looking around at them and they've heard Dad's music all the time and I don't see that out of them.&quot;
** [[w:Garth Brooks|Garth Brooks]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I like what he's doing. He’s rocking the blues, that's all he's doing. Rock and roll is here to stay because it comes from natural people. Rock and roll is a natural steal from the blues, and the blues will never die and the blues can't die because it's a natural steal from the spirituals.
** Bluesman {{w|Big Bill Broonzy}}, considered a profound influence on numerous African American musicians, including Muddy Waters, all of whom admired him, not just for his musicianship, but for having the courage to write several songs dealing with the injustices African-Americans suffered, particularly in the Jim Crow era, as stated in one of Studs Terkel's Chicago radio shows, sometime in 1957. Also equally important, perhaps even more important, were Big Bill Broonzy's blues songs of protest (he wrote a number of them) about African-Americans and what they were dealing with in the Jim Crow era.

* I named it Planet Elvis (17059) because I had discovered a similar one, just two days before and which I called Rock and Roll (17058). It just seemed befitting...
** Australian astronomer {{w|John Broughton}}, after having discovered a couple of small planets at the Ready Creek Observatory, located at the Gold Coast, in Queensland Australia, on April 13 and 15 of 1999, both of which now duly inscribed in Wikipedia's List of Minor Planets.

* Well, they were {{w|James Brown}}, {{w|Michael Jackson}}, {{w|Elvis Presley}}, {{w|Rick James}}, {{w|Prince (musician)|Prince}}  and {{w|Donny Hathaway}}....
** [[w:Bobby Brown|Bobby Brown]], naming his biggest musical influences in a 1989 interview 

* Imagine Elvis with a master's degree performing a whole set about mandatory staff meetings.
** About [[w:Eddie Brown|Eddie Brown]], who in 2017 posted a video called, 'What Teachers Really Say.&quot; which went viral, as did his next 60, making him an icon among educators throughout the US, as highlighted in the CBS Evening News' edition of February 9, 2018-

* He said I was good and I said he was good, we never argued about that. I wasn't just a fan, I was his brother; Elvis was a hard worker, dedicated, and God loved him. Last time I saw him was at Graceland, We sang 'Old Blind Barnabus' together, a gospel song. I love him and hope to see him in heaven. There'll never be another like that soul brother.
** [[w:James Brown|James Brown]], in the book ''Elvis Has Left the Building: The Day the King Died'', p 30

* He was one of a kind, nobody like him. And they all respected him. The unique thing about talking football to another celebrity is that it never comes as real, but with Elvis you could because he understood it at that level and that made it good for me to exchange because I could talk to him as I couldn't talk to an actual novice. He was the biggest personality, was truly big and I'm happy he was a friend of mine
** [[w:Jim Brown|Jim Brown]], in a documentary entitled NFL Elvis, released on 30 November of 208.

* Elvis was just his own thing, man. My grandmother was a huge fan of Elvis; I remember she used to have this amazing Elvis bag that she would take everywhere, it was just her face unwrapped in a handbag. As I got older, I started listening to his music, and if you really listened to him, he wouldn’t be afraid to do anything. I find myself trying to look like him all the time, in “Blue Christmas” or “Hound Dog.” No matter how long this world lasts, he will still be talked about.
** [[w:Kane Brown|Kane Brown]], stating his love for Elvis in an article entitled &quot;Why Ken Brown loves Cookie Monster, Elvis Presley, and ‘Ted Lasso’ and published in the NYT's January 11, 2022 edition

* As a vocalist, Elvis Presley possessed the rare ability to give the melodramatic a genuine authenticity; it's easy to take Elvis Presley for granted and yes, we all know that Elvis had a huge role in defining rock in the beginning, but few of us really know what that means; but then there's that voice, which Elvis uses to cut through to the most complex meaning of the song — the meaning that the song's writers might not even know exists — and lay it bare. On &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;, he takes the longing sentiment in &quot;Any Day Now&quot; (1969), his voice lending it a certain buoyancy that most artists would never even think belongs, and in doing so he embeds a deceptively simple pop song with depth and mystery, all through inflection; a craftsman at heart, his experimentation didn't manifest itself in innovation, but in refinement of his already incomparable technique; as a result, &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot; documents what happens when an artist who instinctively personalizes the songs he sings decides to get even more personal; the outcome is raw, stripped of all pretense, and dedicated to the idea of the song, his voice bringing with it a grave amount of weight; if you want an indication of why Elvis deserves a place in current pop culture, pick up &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;; the music speaks for itself; authenticity never goes out of style.
** Marty Brown, music critic for Culture Cartel.com, reviewing &quot;From Elvis in Memphis&quot;, on 15 August 2002

* In 1969 I was playing piano for the Stamps and we got invited to go to the Elvis suite at the International, after his first show there on July 31, 1969. J.D. Sumner, who was Elvis' idol from way back and the leader of the Stamps, said that we would have to flip a coin to see who would go with him to the suite and meet Elvis. And I won, and then when I entered the room, and saw him, I thought &quot;Man if I could look like this dude, I could get every chick in the world. He was the coolest person I have ever seen in my life. Playing piano for him, even if it was only fir the last two years of his life, defines my own life, in spite of all the success I've had as a producer since.
** [[w:Tony Brown (record producer)|Tony Brown]] American record executive and pianist, known primarily for his work in country music, producing Reba McEntire, Vince Gill, and George Strait, in an interview with the Today show, on August 16, 2017.

* Elvis Presley, at age 13
** Argentinean singer and director of the the Espacio Malaver Singing School {{w|Franciso Brunetta}}'s answer as to who was his first and greatest influence, and at what age that took place, as published in Queen's Chronicle's edition of September 15, 2016. Brunetta was born actually 5 years AFTER Presley's death.

* I‘m a music man and like to DJ on the decks in my kitchen, where I often listen to tunes while rustling up food, a bit like {{w|Gordon Ramsay}}. I love Ray Charles, Sting, Dire Straits and sometimes I‘ll even drop some Elvis and all that has got me into a bit of bother with neighbours
** [[w:Frank Bruno|Frank Bruno]], in an article entitled &quot;UK Boxing legend Frank Bruno in trouble with neighbours for blasting out Elvis tunes&quot; as published in the &quot;Stock Daily Dish&quot; 's December 1, 2019 edition.

* What's amazing is that when we were walking up the stairs to come up, I was like ‘Gosh, a lot of cool people have come up these stairs.' That’s when Stephen Colbert pointed out to me that Elvis Presley performed right where our interview was taking place. He’s your dream collaboration,” Dierks Bentley, who was co-hosting then asked me: “Living or dead? I choose Elvis, which is a weird thing to ask somebody. People are like, ‘Living or dead? Who would you like to perform with?’ I'm like, ‘That’s kind of weird, but I always say Elvis. In fact, try to perform my shows like Elvis is watching and try to do the best I can night in and night out and have a big ol’ performance.&quot;
** {{w|Luke Bryan}}, during the taping of his segment at the Ed Sullivan Theatre, for CBS's Late Show with Stephen Colbert, as published on CMT News on March 29, 2017

* His death is like that of Elvis Presley.
** African American {{w|Kobe Bryant}} fan, on his death at age 41 following a horrific helicopter crash, as told in an interview outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA, on January 26, 2020

* My first-grade music teacher played a video of an Elvis performance for the class and that was it for me. My mom dyed my hair black and I got a leather jacket, and she made me a gold lamé jacket, and I started writing ‘Elvis’ on all my papers because I believed, in first grade, that I was Elvis.”
** Tyler Bryant, frontman for {{w|Tyler Bryant &amp; The Shakedown}}, arguing in favor of music programs not being cut in elementary schools, in an interview with Billboard and published on 26 October, 2017

* I hold no brief for Presley and I’ve never seen him, but when police are allowed to set up cameras and be judge, that’s an invasion of an artist’s rights and should be looked into, mighty carefully, by every artist and actors’ agency in our business.
** [[w:Yul Brynner|Yul Brynner]] Oscar winner for Best Actor in 1957, defending Elvis after the Los Angeles police set up cameras to watch his second show at the Pan Pacific Auditorium and ostensibly have some kind of proof should his behaviour be deemed inappropriate, in an interview with the Los Angeles Times, on 29 October, 1957.

* I think that soul has little to do with the colour of your skin or where were you born. It's the same with acting, if the actor believes in the story, so does the public, so I thank Elvis, who is one of my favourites singers in both the R&amp;R and R&amp;B fields, for doing the music I love the most.
** Canadian superstar {{w|Michael Bublé}}, in an interview to the Diario La Razon, in Buenos Aires, prior to his performing in his wife's country, and as published in that daily's online edition on 10 September 2014

* At first his Vegas career didn't go quite as planned. In fact, Elvis's first appearance in the gambling capital was in 1956 at the New Frontier Hotel. However, he didn't receive the support from local publications, with many believing that his rough sound wasn't what the middle-aged audience in Vegas at the time wanted. Therefore his two-week residency was cut short after just a week. Nevertheless, he made the perfect comeback with hundreds upon hundreds of consecutive sell-outs from 1969 until December 1976. He opened the then-International Hotel Casino, with more than 2,000 fans turned out for opening night in July 1969 which saw the line that lead into the city's largest showroom stretch to the hotel's front lobby. No one has quite made as much of an impact since.
** {{w|Brett Buchanan}}, in an article entitled &quot;Who Is The Biggest Celeb To Perform At Vegas?&quot; published at Alternative Nation on October 14, 2016

* Just the other day, I was interviewed for a story, and sure enough, the interviewer brought up my night with Elvis in Paris and couldn't believe I had been in that close a relationship with him. People don't want to hear about President de Gaulle, President Kennedy or Frank Sinatra. They weren't that important, compared with him. A picture was taken of the two of us, but I can't find it. People just have to take my word for it. This is how it all happened. Elvis, in his Army uniform and on leave from Germany was staying at the Hotel Prince de Galles, so the moment I got the tip I went there to interview him and at one point I said, &quot;What are you doing tonight?&quot; He said, &quot;Nothing, sir.&quot;I said, &quot;Come out with me and I'll show you Paris.&quot; He said: &quot;That would be very nice, sir. No one has offered to take me out in Paris.&quot; &quot;That's because they don't know you're here. We'll just go out, the two of us, so we won't be bothered by a lot of fans.&quot; I came home for dinner and told my wife, &quot;I'm going out with Elvis Presley tonight.&quot; She didn't believe it. I said: He's in Paris all alone and I'd be doing our country a service by showing him around.&quot; My wife didn't like the idea of the two of us going out on the town. She said, &quot;I'd like to come along.&quot; I told her, &quot;I promised Elvis it would only be the two of us.&quot; She said, &quot;Why didn't you bring him here for dinner?&quot; I said, &quot;That wouldn't be Paris.&quot; I recall now her saying to my children, &quot;Do you know who Daddy's going out with tonight?&quot; They asked, &quot;Who?&quot; My wife said, &quot;I can't tell you, but you have his records in your room.&quot; I picked Elvis up at his hotel and told him the Lido had the best show in town and I could get him the best table. After the show, we went backstage and that's when all the fun began. Everyone who has interviewed me wants a complete description of how he performed that night. I have been living off Elvis Presley ever since. To this day, when people ask me what was my greatest night in Paris, I tell them it was at the Lido with him. If only I could find that damn photo...
** [[w:Art Buchwald|Art Buchwald]], Pulitzer Prize winner journalist, humorist and commentator recalling his time spent with Elvis in Paris in June of 1959 in an article entitled The King and I, and published by the Paris based newspaper he worked for many years as a columnist, the International Herald Tribune, in 2006.

* Presley brought an excitement to singing, in part because rock and roll was greeted as his invention, but for other reasons not so widely reflected on: Elvis Presley had the most beautiful singing voice of any human being on earth. Presley, for some fans, was primarily a balladeer. &quot;Don't Leave Me Now&quot; (1957), is a love song given distinctiveness by Presley's twangy enunciation, and sustained by the guitar and rhythm sections designed perfectly to complement the balladeer, filled out towards the song's end – as with so much of Presley- ,with what one conveniently calls the heavenly choir, which wafts him home but never overwhelms the country lilt Presley gives his music. said:
** [[William F. Buckley, Jr.]] in his article &quot;The Crooner, R.I.P.: Perry Como and the casual mode,&quot; published by the National Review on June 11, 20

* I think it's a little harder to churn out interfaces with sociology. When I was a kid and Elvis broke through it was a sociological phenomenon that lasted through the Beatles and even a bit through Fleetwood. I grew up in Atherton, California, with my two older brothers, one of whom, Jeff turned me onto Elvis. Without Jeff, I probably wouldn't be here today, so damn you, Jeff!!!.&quot;
** {{w|Lindsay Buckingham}}, lead singer and guitarist for the UK/American band [[Fleetwood Mac]], speaking at the University of Southern California after a two-hour performance and Q&amp;A session at the University's Bovard Auditorium and as published by Billboard on May 1, 2015

* And then of course, the same Phillips auction that saw the new Speedmaster record, also gave us the new overall record for an Omega wristwatch in the form of a watch was owned by Elvis Presley. It absolutely crushed its pre-sale estimates of CHF 50,000-100,000 on the way to $1.8 million, overtaking a record set by a rare observatory tourbillon sold at Phillips's in November of 2017 Geneva sale.
** Jon Bues, writing in an auction report on the sale of Elvis' 1960 Omega on May 12, 2018, the buyer being the Omega Museum on Biel Switzerland.

* Angel loved kittens, horses, shopping and Elvis Presley. Most of all she loved giving hugs. Her parents would often take her mushroom hunting, usually carrying her Bible with her .
** The [[w:Buffalo, Missouri|Buffalo Reflex]]'s obituary of Angel Elizabeth King, age 10, who died of brain cancer on December 15, 2018 and as published on their December 22, 2018 online edition.

* He was the only man from Northern Mississippi who could shake his hips, and still be loved by rednecks, cops and hippies.
** [[w:Jimmy Buffet|Jimmy Buffet]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I will release my tax returns if Donald Trump does too and yes, I will again wear my Elvis costume and even dance with Hillary in the streets of Omaha, as she wants, if she wins.
** US Mega Billionaire [[w:Warren Buffet|Warren Buffet]]'s promise, as delivered in an interview following an article published on the Washington Post on August 1, 2016.

* In 1967, we were once performing two sets at DC's Cellar Door (a 163-seat music club) at 34th and M streets and as we were changing for the second set, the manager tapped on our door and said, ‘You have five minutes. By the way, 'The King' is in the house. I was the baby in the group and the others had seen queens and kings, they perform all over the world. I had never seen a king. I changed my clothes and cleaned up. I peeked and when I looked out, there was Elvis. He and Col. Parker were secluded from the audience. They had been there for the first set. When he stood up I was breathless. He asked me to sit down, but I had to go. I said, ‘I want you to know, I followed your career.’ And he said in his Elvis voice, ‘The Platters were very influential in my career. You did extremely well on ‘I Only Have Eyes for You.’ He said he liked the way I sang it in the first set. I went back and told the guys and they didn't believe me. I said, ‘Yes he is out there.’ We go on stage and I was looking for him. I had the microphone in my hands and he was gone.....
** Milton Bullock when asked what was his favourite moment as a singer for [[w:The Platters|The Platters]],in an interview for the Daily Herald and published on 16 September 2018.

* He had a love for God, his family, the congregation and a true reverence of Elvis Presley.
** About Reverend Clayton Burch, of Goshen Free Will [[w:American Baptist Churches USA|Baptist Church]] in Mount Holly, as quoted from his eulogy by Rev. Tommy Bulla, and as reported in the Gaston Gazzete on December 8, 2018

* One male vocalist stands out above all others, and that is Elvis Presley. To understand why, I suggest listening to Elvis's 1954 Sun recording of &quot;Blue Moon&quot; and his 1960 version of &quot;Fever.&quot; And be sure not to miss his rockabilly version of &quot;Good Rockin' Tonight.&quot; Then check out his tender, sweet version of &quot;Crying in the Chapel.&quot; Next, listen to the powerful high notes he hits on &quot;American Trilogy,&quot; especially his version of &quot;Battle Hymn of the Republic.&quot; Then listen to his undervalued masterpiece &quot;What Now My Love&quot; and &quot;It's Now or Never.&quot; The latter is wonderfully sweet, until the power of Elvis's voice kicks in and takes the song to another dimension. Now listen to him growl out &quot;One Night.&quot; Finish by listening to his enchanting country-flavored &quot;That's Alright (Mama)&quot; and gospel songs like &quot;Peace in the Valley.&quot; Try as I may, I can't think of another male singer who can go from nearly infinite sweetness, to ferocity, to spirituality, to tremendous power the way Elvis does. With the right song in hand, he was untouchable. But was Elvis the greatest male falsetto singer of all time? It's hard to say if Elvis was really singing falsetto at times because his voice was so wonderfully high, pure, sweet and effortless. But does it really matter how he did what he did?
** Poet and music columnist {{w|Michael R. Burch}}, as noted in his website The Hyper Texts and for an article entitled the World's Greatest Falsetto singers

* Rock and roll then, is a combination of gospel songs, blues, bebop, the love ballad, the folksy material of the hillbilly or western type song, and things based on personal experience. Rock and roll today has no color lines in its listening appreciation or in its development.
** [[w:Dan Burley|Dan Burley]], African American musician and journalist, as quoted in a chapter detailing the mass reaction to the early Elvis by the black community and as noted in page 135 of the book entitled &quot;Just My Soul Responding: Rhythm and Blues, Black Consciousness, and Race&quot;by Brian Ward.

* He stepped onto the stage, the band started to play, His hips began to move. He sang 'Good Rockin' Tonight' and before he was done, the crowd was whirled into a frenzy. Boy, he was different. As soon as he walked into the building you could feel his energy. He had the looks, the songs and the charisma. Whatever a star has, he had it – more than anyone else.”
** Guitarist [[w:Sonny Burgess|Sonny Burgess]], talking about seeing Elvis perform, in 1955, in an article on the WashingtonTimes.com

* When at last I made my journey to the land of the blues, I never dreamt for one minute that I'd actually become friends with the guys who were my mentors, heroes and my cultural icons. (Witherspoon's) voice held a great mysticism for me, like when I first heard the voice of Elvis Presley—you knew it was coming from the source.
** [[w:Eric Burdon|Eric Burdon]], lead singer of &quot;The Animals&quot;, commenting on his meeting bluesman Jimmy Witherspoon, as published in Gadfly's March 1998 edition.

* When I was on 'The Ed Sullivan Show,' I met Elvis. He was doing his 2nd appearance there, was super hot, very sweet and I even got his autograph for my kid sister. And did I think there would be something between us? Well, yes I thought so, but he didn't.(LOL)
**Comedian {{w|Carol Burnett}}, in an interview with Andy Cohen, and speaking about meeting the 20th Century's greatest celebrities, as published on TooFab on May 10, 2018.

* We never played together but I went to where he was playing and doing the blues. He took the blues and made rock 'n' roll out of it. And he give an account of everything he did. He said this is so-and-so's music. You know down in Birmingham, I can't think of the guys name, but Elvis did one of his numbers. Had it on a record, ya know. He went down there where Elvis was playing and walked up and his car had quit on him on the highway.After he got done with his album, he bought him a brand new car. He would do things like that. He made 2 or 3 people down in Atlanta and Birmingham rich, ya know. He had been doing their music and they didn't think they were gonna get nothing out of it, but he went down and found 'em, in fact bought 'em homes, gave them money and everything. I think he helped the black people. I sure enough do...
** [[w:R.L. Burnside|R.L Burnside]], African American blues singer, songwriter, and guitarist, as published in Rockmattares, from an interview in 1996 entitled &quot;One bad ass bluesman&quot;

* Burroughs is &quot;The Elvis of Letters!
** About [[w:William S. Burroughs|William S. Burroughs]], as noted in AllMusic, in an article  about the 1985 release of the album of the said name.

* He's Elvis. We've found Elvis and he looks like Tiger.
** Rick Burton, director of the Warsaw Sports Marketing Centre at the University of Oregon, comparing Tiger Woods with Elvis Presley.

* One day, my mother-in-law received a call from the school principal, who said that George was in his office, after having disrupted his music class. In true Elvis fashion, he'd taken a piece of charcoal and drawn sideburns and then tried to perform as Elvis for the other children.&quot;
** Former US First Lady [[w:Laura Bush|Laura Bush]], recalling his mother in law's, the also US First Lady Barbara Bush, having to go to school to pick up the future President of the United States, then 10 year old, after his having been on partial detention for imitating Elvis.

* You Memphis politicians had better watch out if Elvis Presley ever decides to enter politics.
** {{w|George H. W. Bush}}, during a speech at a luncheon previous to the Jaycees ceremony honoring Elvis, in 1970.

* Elvis Presley was a great entertainer who helped define an era. Thirty years after his death, his unmissable sound and sensational performances continue to influence generations of artists and inspire countless fans. This week is an opportunity to celebrate his life and career and be recognize his enduring contribution to popular culture.
** US President {{w|George W. Bush}}'s laud of Elvis on the 30th Anniversary of his death, in a letter addressed to EPE and the Presley family, sent from his White House office and signed by him on Jul 19, 2007

* I heard Elvis Presley and I knew what my life was meant to be.
** [[w:Robert Butcher|Robert Butcher]], English born photographer, best known for his American Madonnas and Liars, as published in Geeks of Doom.

* i)  I am just profoundly honored that Baz has invited me on this journey with him. It’s an extraordinary privilege. And I just feel so blessed to be working with such singular directors like him and Quentin Tarantino. ii) It was huge shoes to fill. I think when I began the process of this I set out to get my voice to sound identical to his. I held that for a long time and what that does is it also instills fear; that I'm not going to achieve that or whatever. That got the fire inside of me burning to work and work and work.
** [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]], i)  as reported by People magazine on its July 23, 2019, edition in connection with his being cast as Elvis in Baz Luhrmann's 2020 biopic ii) and by MENAFN on their March 17, 2022 edtion

* Why can't you see, what you're doing to me....
** Gral. [[w:Micael Bydén|Micael Bydén]], Supreme Commander of the Swedish Armed Forces, singing &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; while marching in front of a huge crowd at 2018's Stockholm's Pride parade.

== C ==


* Elvis Presley? I can’t see that he has any talent.”
** [[w:Cab Calloway|Cab Calloway]], as reported in The Ottawa Citizen, on April 3, 1956

* You got Elvis and David Bowie … they’re my heroes. It’s clear to me that Elvis was an opera singer
** [[w:Nicholas Cage|Nicholas Cage]], as noted in the Verve Tomes' January 28, 2021 edtion

* His life took a major turn at the age of 10, when listening to Radio Luxembourg and he heard Elvis Presley.
** Cindy Campbell, speaking about his dad, Irish Musician {{w|Eamonn Campbell}}, in an article published on October 27, 2017 by Irish Herald

* I didn't see a color, he wasn't white, he wasn't black... he was Elvis.
** [[w:Naomi Campbell|Naomi Campbell]], UK model and actress, in Elvis Lives an ABC 2002 Special.

* I met him in Albuquerque, NM, in 1956 and I got to see him on the raw, with Bill, Scottie and DJ. They were just awesome, so electrifying, with so much energy. I could understand why he was becoming so big then, and become even bigger later. He was a very handsome man, his aura and his honesty. His charisma was huge, but his was very special.....
** {{w|Glen Campbell}}, in an interview with Elvisaustralia.

* Had Presley never sung a note he might have still caused a stir, but sing he did. Watershed hits such as &quot;All Shook Up&quot; (1957) or, for instance, &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight&quot;, (1960), were eminently Presley's from the moment he put his stamp on them. His jagged, bubbly highs, and Southern baritone jump from those recordings like spirits from a cauldron. Elvis crooned romantically, then screeched relentlessly, always pouring his heart into the lyric and melody. After Elvis, the male vocalist could no longer just sing a song, especially in the new world of rock-n-roll. The &quot;feel&quot; of a performance far out-weighed the perfection of the take.
** James Campion, in his book &quot;The 25 Most Influential Americans of the 20th Century&quot;, published in 1996.

* We let him sing, he did fine and the crowd loved him but I thought at the time he would be a flash in the pan.
** {{w|Ace Cannon}}, recalling the night in the late summer of 1954 when DJ {{w|Dewey Phillips}} brought a guy to the Eagles's Nest, where Ace was playing with his band, and asked him to let him sing a song, as published in Scotty Moore's online page.

* I don't get it. Why would all these people stand in line for so long to get my husband's autograph? I wouldn't stand in line for anyone, except for one person – Elvis Presley.
** Dot Cannon, wife of {{w|Billy Cannon}}, twice a Heisman Trophy winner for LSU's football team, and an All American who later became a pro player in teams in both the AFL and the NFL.

* When I met him the first time in Memphis at the Peabody Hotel, it was a thrill. The thing was, he turned around and said to me “Freddy, I bought 'Tallahassee Lassie' and put it in my jukebox at Graceland”. All these singers were in the room, like Fabian, Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell, Chubby Checker, you could go down the line. So when he said that in front of all of them, he made me feel like a hundred feet tall. He liked my record because it was rock-and-roll. That was the biggest compliment of my life.
** [[w:Freddy Cannon|Freddy Cannon]] in his autobiography &quot;Where the action is&quot;

* You can not knock the fact that he's one of the kings of rap. His ability is second to none and he's definitely gonna go on the Mount Rushmore of Rap as one of the kings. He's Elvis Presley, the guy that took it to another level
** [[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]] for HipHopDX, speaking about Eminem, in an article published on their January 3, 2019 edition

* There is no way to describe the pandemonium. I never saw as many women in my life. They were screaming, yelling. I was just horrified. I thought, 'They're going to kill him.' And they would have if they could have gotten loose, I'm afraid.
** Comedian [[w:Minnie Pearl|Sarah Ophelia Colley Cannon]], who'd come in on the flight with Elvis to be one of his co-stars at the Pearl Harbor USS Arizona Memorial benefit, as noted in Biography's December 4, 2018 online edition.

* The opening strains of &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, which catapulted Presley's regional popularity into national hysteria, opened a fissure in the massive mile-thick wall of post-war regimentation, standardization, bureaucratization, and commercialization in American society and let come rushing through the rift a cataract from the immense waters of sheer, human pain and frustration that have been building up for ten decades behind it.
** Critic [[w:Robert Cantwell|Robert Cantwell]], in his memoir Twigs of Folly

* Elvis Presley gave me the only dinner party I've ever heard of his giving in Las Vegas. He lived very near me in Palm Springs, CA, and just as he was going to open at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, he invited me for dinner at the hotel. I had never seen him before, but he was nice and I sort of liked him.
** [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]], on the night he met Elvis at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, in August of 1969, as published on hellsunutterablelament's August 2, 2010 edition.

* In Memphis, they had built a football stadium, so we televised it for a two weeks to test the market. One Monday I am in the hotel, and so I get a phone call and this guy identifies himself as one of my fans, and he says he's Elvis Presley. I thought he was kidding, so he said &quot;You don't believe me, go down to the front of the hotel in 10 minutes, and I ll prove it to you&quot; So I went down there and he walks out of a Rolls Royce, we shake hands and takes me to Graceland. So after 15 minutes, I went to do the basket ball game then I came beck to his house. We sang, spoke, and suddenly he asked me if I had dinner, and if I liked barbecue ribs, so I stayed until 6 am eating a barrel of BBQ Ribs from The Rendevous, a restaurant which he called to make the order himself. That is how sensitive that guy was.
** [[w:Harry Caray|Harry Caray]], sportscaster on radio and television, in a 1998 interview with [[w:Roy Firestone|Roy Firestone]]

* I almost died when I was told I would be his co-star. He was an extraordinary handsome person with a very down to earth personality and a velvet voice. When he sang in the film I would melt. &quot;Why is this happening to me?&quot; I would say. I just couldn't believe it...
** [[w:Elsa Cardenas|Elsa Cardenas]], Mexican actress who starred with Elvis in 1962's Paramount-produced &quot;Fun in Acapulco&quot;

* In New Haven, they put me on the stage to help whip up some interest in &quot;Bayou&quot;. They hollered when I did the dance. It out-Elvises Elvis. Years later, during the filming of Change of Habit, he came up to me and said, ‘Aren’t you Timothy Carey? Didn’t you do The World's greatest sinner?&quot; I said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘I always wanted to see that movie- Do you have a 16&amp;nbsp;mm version?’ I only had a 35&amp;nbsp;mm, but we proceeded to talk about it. He knew all about it. I only had four prints. That was one of the reasons that I didn't send it. All hail the King! Oh, and Elvis too.
** [[w:Timothy Carey|Timothy Carey]], who would later appeared in Elvis last film, Change of Habit (1969), recalling the time he played the first of two characters, the other being the lead in &quot;The world's greatest sinner&quot;, whose dancing was totally and purposely based on Elvis's act, as told to columnist George Murray in 1958.

* The first thing I think of when I think about coming to Las Vegas and playing is always Elvis, it's always the first thing on my mind. When we were working on 'The Joke, my producer Dave Cobb wanted me to understand the emotion and intensity in a song, so suggested my listening to 'American Trilogy'
** {{w|Brandi Carlile}}, as published in www.graceland.com and on Billboard's edition of February 2, 2018.

* Elvis? He was a bogus white guy with sex appeal and good looks who ripped off a lot of great black music, watered it down and made it safe for lame whites who couldnt handle the experience of raw emotional black music. Never grew as an artist, remained an entertainer. Fuck Elvis&quot; 
** {{w|George Carlin}},  comparing four   amongst the   greatest entertainers of the 20th Century and rudely dismissing Elvis,  Sammy Davis Jr and  Frank Sinatra.  His choice for the greatest amongst them was Michael Jackson who, as he put it, &quot;should be given a bunch of kids and let him dance, as noted in a You Tube entitled   &quot;Michael Jackson beats them all&quot;  and  which quite understandably has  yielded  less tha 3,000 views in 10  YEARS.  . 

* Both came from humble backgrounds and meteorically captured their respective fields in a way that seemed to break entirely with the past and they both went into film as a means of exploring the mythic dimensions of their celebrity.
** John Carlin, as quoted in Christie'e laud of both Elvis and Andy Warhol, in connection with the May 15, 2019 sale of a Double Elvis, as noted by Christie's online page.

* In 1957, I traveled for the Toronto Telegram to Buffalo for Elvis' first concert there. I observed that he was a quiet, soft-spoken fellow, not so much affected by his new-found stardom as bewildered by it. He was savvy enough to hoist himself onto a backstage sawhorse so that, in a photo of the two, he appeared much taller than me, though the difference was actually only an inch. That photo became my treasured family memento.
** Canadian reporter {{w|Mike Carmichael}}, as noted in the Globe and Mail and the Toronto Telegram, on 23 November, 2017 in an obituary entitled &quot;Carmichael, a witness to history&quot;.

* The success of posthumous duets is often indirectly correlated to the respect with which the dearly departed is treated: the higher the pedestal, the less convincing the result. Wisely, the female country stars on “Christmas Duets” try to match Elvis Presley's mood, whether it's Carrie Underwood's tenderness on “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (1957), or Wynonna Judd's brawn on “Santa Claus Is Back in Town.” (1957), On a wild eight-minute “Merry Christmas Baby,”(1971), Gretchen Wilson saunters up to the song, full of attitude, before giving in; it sounds as if she's flirting with Mr. Presley just across the bar.
** Jon Carmanica, reviewing the &quot;Christmas Duets&quot; album for the New York Times, as published on 4 December, 2008

* In dealing with &quot;Elvis&quot;, I am bringing a lot of my own feelings, because I really love Elvis, loved his music, in some sense, I feel lucky to direct a movie about a man who was bigger than life, a human being, yes, but who became mythical.
** {{w|John Carpenter}}, in a 1979 interview on the making of the ABC film &quot;Elvis&quot; which he directed.

* I wanted to meet him so a few friends from Jackson and I traveled to Memphis on Jan. 18, 1971, to the Jaycees' 10 Outstanding Young Men of America ceremony. Elvis was the final recipient that evening at the old Ellis Auditorium. Of course, every one was trying to get to Elvis,but security would stop them and send them back. It looked like I wasn't going to meet him, after all. But my friends kept urging me, ‘Go on, Martha. Go see him.’ We were only about 40 feet from him. So I finally walked over toward him.” I was stopped by security, only to have Elvis step in: “Let her come on,” he said. I had my program for him to sign, and he did. Then Elvis said, ‘Would you like my water glass?’ I said, ‘Yes, please.’ He said, ‘Would you like my nametag?’ ‘Of course,’ I told him. That water glass has never been cleaned. It's in a shadow box with the nametag in the glass and the autographed program displayed. His DNA has never been washed out of that glass — and never will be.And the man who presented Elvis his award, George H. W. Bush, became America's 41st president 18 years later.
**[[w:Martha Carr|Martha Carr]], recalling the day she met Elvis, for the Clarion Ledger, and as published on March 8, 2018

* I was 34 when I met him. You had to realize that my father, being Mexican American, was very, very strict. He never allowed us to hear rock 'n roll or anything on the radio. Anything that had to do with music was the Big Band era with the records they had and/or the ranchera Mexican American music and the Mexican artists. So, when I would hear about Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, I could not relate to the hysteria. Okay, so I was in Vegas and I was engaged to this doctor who took care of Elvis when he was there. One day he said, &quot;Elvis wants to meet you.&quot; so I said, &quot;Oh, yeah. Right!&quot; He said, &quot;No. Really. So, we went to his show, but my attitude was like &quot;Show me!&quot; I was looking at the show, obviously as a fellow performer the overall look of the show, the staging, the lighting and I was so impressed. Then his singers came out, The Sweet Inspirations. They were incredible. So, then he came out in his white suit. I noticed his stance and I'm thinking to myself, he is standing up there very sure of himself. Plant yourself well and the way his fingers would kind of bend. Of course now everybody's going crazy and I'm looking around and going, &quot;Wow!&quot; Then towards the end of the show he says, &quot;Now I'd like to introduce one of the greatest singers because she sings from her gut&quot; and I'm looking around because the people are all screaming and I said, &quot;Oh, my God, who the heck is here?&quot; (Laughs). He says, Miss. Vikki Carr!&quot; My fiance said, &quot;Vikki, stand up!&quot; I said, &quot;I'm trying to. My brain is saying stand, but my legs won't work. So, I finally stood up and then Elvis has his hand out. So, I went up and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. And then he dedicated It's now or never to me.He was wonderful to me.
**[[w:Vikki Carr|Vikki Carr]], as told to Gary James in an undated interview published on wwwclassibandscom.

* As the &quot;The Times&quot; correspondent reminds him of Elvis Presley, he pauses, then reconsiders, &quot;Oh yes, I think he was a fantastic artist and the best in his field. Absolutely.
** Spanish tenor [[w:Jose Carreras|Jose Carreras]], in an interview for the Times in which he had suggested that no pop singer can take on classical music, except perhaps for Elvis

* i) Guess who celebrated their 40th birthday today?” Elvis Presley. He is now wearing orthopedic blue suede shoes He looks very young, though, but I hear he got an orthopedic, I mean he got a surgical hip lift...he is only allowed to swivel now in the presence of a registered nurse. That's what the nurse told me and ii) If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead
** NBC TV's [[w:Johnny Carson|Johnny Carson]], as taken from his monologues as broadcast on the Tonight Show, at NBC, on Jan. 8, 1975 and March 21, 1991, respectively.

* I listen to a lot of Elvis Presley. He is one of my favorite musicians of all time.
** Singer [[w:Sofia Carson|Sofia Carson]]'s answer to Parade as to who does she listens to the most on her iPod, as published on November 25th, 2016

* Elvis Presley's death deprives our country of a part of itself. He was unique, irreplaceable. More than twenty years ago, he burst upon the scene with an impact that was unprecedented and will probably never be equaled. His music and his personality, fusing the styles of white country and black rhythm and blues, permanently changed the face of American popular culture. His following was immense. And he was a symbol to people the world over of the vitality, rebelliousness and good humor of this country.”
** President [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]]' official statement following Elvis' death, as reprinted by graceland.com

* He had a thing like sort of a quiet charisma because certain people have this confidence. And I am not saying he was Elvis Presley, but he ended up doing a sketch where he's kind of doing an Elvis type singer and did it so well.
** [[w:Dana Carvey|Dana Carvey]] recalling hockey icon [[w:Wayne Gretzky|Wayne Gretzky]]'s only appearance on Saturday Night Live, in 1989, which he hosted as well, in a segment entitled &quot;Waikiki Hockey&quot;, a parody of Elvis movies, where Gretzky plays a busboy who enters a Hawaiian ice hockey tournament to impress a girl, as noted in an article entitled An Oral History Of The Time Wayne Gretzky Hosted SNL, as published on the Aug 29, 2019 edition of Forbes

* I don't know if I'd be in any hurry to do another research-intensive project. I found that out the hard way when I tried jumping into another one — during the final stages of production on ̊&quot;Jesusfreak&quot; — that dealt with the last few weeks of Elvis Presley's life. It seemed quite fitting to go from Jesus to Elvis...
** [[w:Joe Casey|Joe Casey]], in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter and describing why he felt his comic book, graphic novel entitled &quot;Jesusfreak&quot; should be bookended by the lives of Jesus and Elvis, as published on their March 18, 2019 edition

* That night at the &quot;Eagle's Nest&quot;, I remember, he was playing a (1942) D-18 Martin acoustic guitar and he was dressed in the latest teen fashion, but the thing I really noticed though, was his guitar playing. Elvis was a fabulous rhythm player. He'd start into &quot;That’s All Right&quot;, with his own guitar, alone, and you didn't want to hear anything else.
** {{w|Johnny Cash}}, in &quot;Cash, the autobiography&quot;, recalling the first time he saw Presley perform, at the &quot;Eagles Nest&quot;, in Memphis (1954)

* Hey Elvis, how's Vegas?
** {{w|David Cassidy}}'s sarcastic reaction to someone at the other end of the phone who wanted to talk to him and had introduced himself as Elvis Presley. In fact, it was indeed Presley, in 1974, asking Cassidy, whom he had never met, whether his then 6 year old daughter Lisa Marie, a huge fan of David, could get the chance to meet him, which she did, on the next day, as noted in the book Elvis Presley: The Man. The Life. The Legend.

* We are seeing disruption, and it is freaking out the news media and the old establishment in Washington, Its like watching Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan Show.
** {{w|Alex Castellanos}}, Cuban American Republican strategist, speaking about the situation after the US 2016 election at an ABC Sunday News Powerhouse Roundtable hosted by George Stephanopoulos and broadcast on December 4, 2016.

* At 4225 Beach Drive SW, stands the Chambliss House, a bright blue home on the Puget Sound with a plaque above the doorway that states &quot;Elvis Presley Slept Here, May 18, 1962.&quot; The plaque speaks the truth, according to Alan Chambliss, building owner and 30-year resident. He wasn't around to witness Elvis, but tells the story like it happened yesterday. About 15 years ago, Chambliss noticed a man and woman filming his house. Wondering what the fuss was about, he asked them what they were doing. Their father, dying of cancer lived in the upstairs apartment years before and loved it so much the family wanted to document it as part of a remembrance video. While making their keepsake, the family mentioned that the dying man was Elvis Presley's army buddy and that Elvis once spent the night in the upstairs apartment. As proof of their story, they showed Chambliss pictures of their father with the music legend. Elvis and his chum kept in touch throughout the years. In 1962, Elvis came to Seattle to film &quot;It Happened at the World's Fair&quot; and the friend picked him up from Sea-Tac and drove him to the house on Beach Drive. &quot;He didn’t expect to stay the night at first,&quot; Chambliss says. Perhaps the Rock-and-Roll Legend was a sucker for water views Chambliss let the dying man's family film the upstairs apartment. About three weeks later he received the plaque, now mounted above the doorway, along with a thank you note for being so welcoming.
** As told by tenant {{w|Bob Castonguay}}, who now rents the upstairs apartment that Elvis slept in, as published in the West Seattle Herald

* Many of our vagabonds, the sons of the burgoise, can be seen gallivanting around with their tight trousers, some of them with a guitar heralding Elvis Presley attitudes which lead them to erroneously believe they will be able to freely attend rallies where they can lobby their gay and effeminate ways. But we will not allow such degenerate feelings.
** [[w:Fidel Castro|Fidel Castro]] in a speech delivered in front of 100,000 at the steps of the University of Havana on 13 March 1963, the day that signaled the last nail on the coffin of rock music as an art form in Cuba, until at least the first decade of the 21sty Century.

* Elvis had a center of gravity that was low, but also set back and deep; his sexiest moves – legs lolling back and forth, smooth like jelly, hips rolling and tossing everywhere – were performed as if there were a paperweight on a string tied around his waist, and hung from his lower back; with his own weight adjusted to the back, he could free one leg to twist, pop, and jerk while maintaining perfect balance; Elvis' glory was in the shifting of his weight; when he gets going fast, the force of the shifts make his shoulders jerk so hard he looks like he is being electrocuted.
** New York Sun columnist Pia Catton, explaining the reasons for Elvis' star quality, as a stage performer, (16 August 2007)

* You can't be both Elvis Presley and Miles Davis&quot;, I once said to him. But then when someone recently asked me what his dreams were when he was young he answer to me was that he wanted to be Elvis&quot;.
** American entertainment producer and business owner {{w|Bob Cavallo}}, former manager of Prince, explaining his client's longings, as published by both the Texas Public Radio's online page on Saturday, December 6, 2014 and by the Examiner, on April 26, 2016.

* I was very moved by your letter. I’m sure your dad would have been very happy with his Elvis-themed funeral. Thinking about it, I would be very happy with one too — to be ushered into the next world by the voice of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll singer of them all. Kentucky Rain, that’s what I’d like, Kentucky Rain and How Great Thou Art — Elvis singing gospel, with heaven and all its angels listening. It was a lovely thing to do for your dad. Sounds like you did a great job.'
** {{w|Nick Cave}}, when asked what songs would he like played at his funeral,as part of the Red Hand Files series and as published in its 19 August 2021 editio

* One day I was nervous and struggling with one scene that stretched into about 30 takes, and I could see the director was getting frustrated,so I started stuttering. Then Elvis said, 'That's it, it's a wrap, the little lady and I are going to have something to eat&quot;, so he took me to dinner and the next day I nailed the scene immediately. At that early age, I didn't understand the magnitude of his fame and popularity, but he was a true gentleman...
** {{w|Vicky Cayetano}}, Philippine born child actress who at age 6 starred with Elvis in &quot;It happened at the World's fair&quot; and later became the First Lady of Hawaii, following her marriage to Governor Ben Cayetano (D).

* There was a crowd gathered in one corner of the PX store and the rest of it seemed deserted, though the parking lot was filled with Jeeps, so I asked what was going on and they said that Elvis Presley was over there. I thought to myself, well, that's interesting, and I went about my business, got what I had come for, then went out to my jeep to kill time for awhile. Some time later, I noticed that Elvis was walking out of the store directly toward me. His Jeep was parked right next to mine. So we hung out and talked for 45 minutes. I asked someone to shoot a photo, but I never got a print. I also asked for his autograph, which I sent home to the daughter of one of my store managers who was a fan. He was just the nicest guy you could meet, an ordinary guy, with one exception, and that was that he was even better looking than he was in pictures LOL.
** [[w:Rochester Products Division|Gus A. Chafoulias]], Chairman of Titan and of GM Rochester, who served in the US Army with Elvis in Germany, in an article entitled &quot;Business Person of the Year: Chafoulias, at 80, has no plans to slow down&quot;, as published on the March 8, 2019 edition of the Minnesota Post Bulletin.

* I've always loved Elvis, how he entertained, how he performed, so that's where I try and take inspiration from
** Jake Chamberlain, discussing &quot;Miss Trouble&quot;, his first album in an interview with Amanda Hill and as published in the Standard Journal's online edition of March 13, 2015.

* Obviously after the Elvis concert, I said how can this any better? It was mid August of 1969. The year after, Bill Medley played the smaller lounge, and since I had been in high school a fan of the Righteous Brothers, I went with my girlfriend to see him, sat down in one of those half moon booths. So, in the middle of Bill's concert, I noticed the entire room, about 500 people, all stand up so I turn around and watch as Elvis walks down the aisle towards the stage. He had not even been introduced, and by a struck of luck, sat next to me and my girlfriend at the booth, So I rushed outside to see if I could get a pen, to get his autograph, which I did. When I came back, with paper and pen in hand, I waited until Bill stopped singing, and I then asked Elvis to sing an autograph. To my amazement, he instead started talking to me as if he and I were friends our entire lives, and when I told him I was a music major, he asked me about my courses at the University of Las Vegas. Unbeknownst to Elvis and I, Bill and the entire audience remained silent during our conversation, looking at us, for a full five minutes.LOL. So, finally, he signs the autograph, shakes my hand, and says &quot; Stay in school&quot;. The impression of him being who he was, and of talking to a man who had changed the world, was amazing, but more than anything I will cherish how he treated me....
** Christopher Chandlers's laud of Elvis Presley, on the 81st anniversary of Elvis birth, January 8, 2017 (YouTube)

* In a &quot;Family Guy&quot; parody of Rocky VI, Rocky goes to fight a boxing match on Mars. Even though there's no oxygen, he's not afraid of fighting an alien on another planet. Is there anything that would put fear into either Sly Stallone or Rocky Balboa? The answer is Elvis Presley. Since Elvis couldn't just go to- /a th02e/atr2e do-w them theatre down the block, he invited Sly to come down to Graceland with a copy of the film and do a private screening. Stallone was too intimidated and instead just sent a copy, which Elvis watched with friends and enjoyed
**Chris Chan Roberson, in an article entitled &quot;On the sly&quot;, published at CBR.com on October 8, 2018.

* Charlie was always aware of the public. While at the Manoir in the 1950's, a friend visited him and brought him a record of a new singer called Elvis Presley. Charlie hadn't heard of him. &quot;This man has made a sensation in the States,&quot; his friend said. &quot;I can't understand it. He wiggles his hips and sings and people go mad.&quot; &quot;If he's made such an impact,&quot; Charlie replied, &quot;he must have something. You can't fool the public.&quot; --
** [[w:Charles Chaplin|Charles Chaplin]]' in his biography by Jerry Epstein

* I am so glad, if I may say so,   that these impersonators are still alive and kicking and keeping Elvis Presley's memory alive...
** [[w:Charles, Prince of Wales|Charles, Prince of Wales]]'s final comment after watching an Elvis impersonator entertain him,  as well as his wife,   [[w:Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall|Camilla]], along with several  disadvantaged children from the Helen &amp; Douglas House Hospice and the London Taxidriver's Fund  whom she had  invited to decorate  her Christmas Tree at [[w:Clarence House|Clarence House]], in December of  2015.  

* Jerry Quarry and I got married right before his August 31, 1973 2nd round KO of James J. Woody, at the Las Vegas Convention Center. And, after that, we to see Elvis in concert at the Las Vegas Hilton. In fact, Jerry's mom was with us and she loved Elvis. Once there, his mom asked Red West backstage if she could have a scarf for Elvis to sign. Some time later, Red handed her a scarf but when Elvis recognised me, he threw me up in the air and said, ‘Hi kid how are you doing?’ It was so cute, such a fabulous feeling. Then he looked at Jerry and said: “Listen, you’d better treat this girl good. I know her and if you don’t, I’m gonna kick your butt!” to which Jerry said “Yes sir! Yes sir! LOL. But then, suddenly, Jerry's mom threw the scarf back in my face. When I asked her why she had done that, she said “Look at this.....He signed this to you, not to me...
** Arlene Charles, recalling the hilarious time when Elvis, with whom she had worked seven years earlier in &quot;Spinout&quot;, finally got to meet her husband, heavyweight boxer [[w:Jerry Quarry|Jerry Quarry]] as well as her mother in law, both of whom had been huge Elvis fans, as noted in the Express's July 14, 2020 edition.

* i) Ummm, OK. Here was a white kid that could rock and roll, made a lot of people listen to songs that they would not have listened to, rhythm and blues, or whatever you want to call it, and the girls would swoon over him. I dont want to talk more about Elvis because I am gonna lose one third of my fans LOL   ii) I wasn't knocking Elvis. He did a lot for the music industry and  particularly for the black music industry. 
** [[w:Ray Charles|Ray Charles]]'s answer on whether Elvis was talented, as told in a 1994 interview with [[w:Bob Costas|Bob Costas]]  ii) interview with Vancouver's  [[w:The Province|The Province]], in which he clarifies that his views on Elvis, as stated in the Costas interview,   were  strictly related to Elvis   being called The King, as published in their February 1, 1995 edition.   

* I've always been a big Elvis fan, so the idea of taking this classic and splattering it with some signature INK bloodshed struck me as a match made in hell...
** Spencer Charnas, frontman for [[w:Ice Nine Kills|Ice Nine Kills]], in reference to their 2021 haunting cover of &quot;Can't help falling in love&quot;, as published by Livewire's February 11, 2021 edition.

* He looked like a prince from another planet, narrow-eyed, with high Indian cheek bones and a smooth brown skin untouched by his 37 years. When Elvis started to work with the mike, his right hand flailing air, his left leg moving as though it had a life of its own, time stopped, and everyone in the place was 17 again. It was a lesson in dominance; we had just seen the comic who couldn't control anybody, not even himself, and that had got us nervous; now Elvis made it all right again.Elvis used the stage, he worked to the people. The ones in front, in the best seats, the ones in back, and up in the peanut galleries. He turned, he moved, and when a girl threw a handkerchief on the stage, he wiped his forehead with it and threw it back, a gift of sweat from an earthy god. Young girls moaned, and stood in their seats trying to dance, and one kid took a giant leap from a loge seat clear to the stage, only to be caught and taken away. A special champion comes along, a {{w|Joe Louis}}, a {{w|Jose Capablanca}}, a {{w|Joe DiMaggio}}, someone in whose hands the way a thing is done becomes more important than the thing itself. When DiMaggio hit a baseball, his grace made the act look easy and inevitable. Friday Night at Madison Square Garden, Elvis was like that. He stood there at the end, his arms stretched out, the great gold cloak giving him wings, a champion, the only one in his class.
** Chris Chase, critic for The New York Times, reviewing Elvis June 9 concert, the first of four back to back he performed there, and on Sunday, June 11, 1972

* His lips show my patients where it should be plump and where it should not. If I put filler in the wrong places, it would cause a fish-hook unnatural look. Elvis' lips help me to illustrate where ut  should be thicker and where the natural curve should be maintained. I have this picture in all the rooms. 
**-Dr. Bradley Chastant,  MD, FACS, board-certified facial plastic surgeon at the {{w|Ochsner Health System}} in an article entitled &quot;Elvis Presley, Helping to Change the Way Women Look in Acadiania&quot;, as published in 99,9KTDY's June 18, 2022 edition. 

* He as such a nice person, when I found out he died, I really was saddened
** {{w|Chubby Checker}}, recalling the time he found out about his death

* Take me, take me...
** Eight year old [[w:Mary Jo Chelette|Judy Chelette]]'s retort to the then 20 year old Elvis after witnessing first hand her much older sister Mary Jo Chelette's decline of an invitation from Elvis for the two of them to go out on a date, this taking place on the night of 25 November 1955 and as noted in a eulogy for Judy by writer Ken Stickney published in the Port Arthur News' November 2, 2018 edition.

* The first concert I attended was an Elvis concert at Oakland when I was eleven. Even at that age he made me realize the tremendous effect a performer could have on an audience.
** [[w:Cher|Cher]], as published in www.graceland.com

* The series of Warhol inspired works by Russian artists was not done especially for this exhibition, but when the Moscow curator Andrei Yerofeyev heard about them, he did everything in his power to include the works in the show and catalog. The show ends with two black and white canvases facing each other from opposite walls with space for exhibition visitors in between them. On one wall is Elvis Presley dressed as a cowboy pointing a gun at the visitors. Across from him are executioners of the NKVD with red stars on their caps shooting back.....
** Peter Cheremushkin of [[w:Moscow Times|The Moscow Times]]'s , review of the first massive Andy Warhol exhibition at the Sevkabel Port, in St. Petersburg and entitled &quot;Russian Artists Take Andy Warhol's Pop Art Vision and Run With It&quot;, as published in the Moscow Times' July 2, 2021 editon.

* I was in the studio, and they were mixing it over at Little Victor. I probably shouldn’t tell this, but I’m gonna tell you the truth. I was a publisher also, and I had published all of these songs. We shipped to all of the little stations, and the record label would ship to all of the big stations.  I’m thinking, ‘Man, we’re gonna have to ship every one of these things, and I’ve got to get it to these little stations. If they start playing it on the big stations first, then these DJs are going to be mad at me. I’m thinking about all the stuff that I’ve got to do as far as work on this thing, and dreading it. Then all of a sudden I thought: ‘Here I’ve got a single by [Elvis] coming out. This is the greatest thing you could have happen, and I’m sitting here dreading it. It’s time for me to get out of this business...LOL.
** [[w:Jerry Chesnut|Jerry Chesnut]], discussing the process of the release of Elvis'1975 single &quot;T.R.O.U.B.L.E, which he had written and was in charge of distributing, as told in a 2014 interview with the Tennessean 

* And the singer explodes, no longer laying back, now letting it fly. It is a raw, ragged sound, but the singer is so far into the moment that he doesn't care, and neither does anyone else. &quot;When I read your lovin' letter, my heart began to sink,&quot; he roars with ache and ardor in his voice. &quot;There's a million miles between us, but they didn't mean a thing.&quot; This glorious minute of &quot;Trying to Get to You&quot; is from Elvis Presley's 1968 television comeback special, one of 77 previously unreleased performances collected on a new four-CD box set, &quot;Platinum: A Life in Music&quot; (RCA). It affirms that 20 years after his death on Aug. 16, 1977, after countless books, albums, tabloid stories, imitators and Graceland tours have wrung seemingly every drop of mystery from his legacy, there remains plenty to learn about Presley. Or, perhaps more precisely, relearn. For in the last 20 years, the essential truth about Presley has been lost. But the truth of his 23 years of public music making is this: He was the most quintessentially American of singers, an artist who drew no boundaries between Saturday night blues and Sunday morning gospel, middle-of-the-road schmaltz and dirt-road hillbilly country. And he could swing a tune like nobody's business. More than anything else, those two factors--his openness to just about any kind of music and his ability to personalize that music with his unique feel for rhythm--are why Presley mattered, and still matters.
** The Chicago Tribune's review of Platinum, published on August 3rd, 1997

* Having had the opportunity to work with these recordings, I am now more convinced than ever that Elvis Presley was the most passionate vocalist this world has known.
** [[w:Andy Childs|Andy Childs]], US country music singer-songwriter, writing on the liner notes for the album &quot;Where no one stands alone&quot;, released in 2018.

* Recorded at the Beatles' old Abbey Road Studios, it offers one more chance to enjoy Presley's voice in a different context, deliciously backed by a world-class orchestra geared toward the nuances of his delivery. It's a new twist on a very familiar, and treasured, body of work. This one is a tried and true concept, basically a variation on last year's quite successful posthumous pairing of Presley with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, but the fact that it's been done once before doesn't diminish the pleasure. There are few surprises, but it's a reminder of Presley's range and vocal dexterity. The orchestral style suits Elvis well: taken out of the rock and roll context, there is no need for his swagger or his snarl, as the orchestra is restrained and understated, allowing Presley's vocals alone to carry the day. The orchestral format also gives rise to &quot;live&quot; concerts with Elvis singing on screen while the Royal Philharmonic performs. A series of six British shows in major arenas this fall is expected to draw thousands of the faithful — the number doesn't seem to be dwindling, even 39 years after his death in a country, the UK, where he never performed.
** The China Post's review of the album The Wonder of You, as published on 21 October 2016.

* Personally, I resent the ‘shouldn’t do that’ attitude of many guardians and reformers who want to straighten out the younger generation. I am young and don't doubt that I need a great deal of correcting, but when we stop listening to Elvis, stop reading comics, stop doing this, and stop doing that, what are we going to do then? In short, what have you older folks provided for us in the way of wholesome entertainment? Until you older folks can provide something in this line, I would appreciate it if you leave our literature, music, and Elvis alone.
** Harry Chinnis, in an letter to the Editor of Charleston's [[w:Post and Courier|Post and Courier]], in regards to another letter to the Editor dated July 3, 1956, in which a man by the name of W.A Morris (kindly see his letter, under the last name Morris, below) had stted that it would probably would require a hurricane to de-contaminate the entire estate of South Carolina properly after Presley's appearance on June 28, 1956.

* One year I met President Eisenhower, Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra and thought I had met all the important people in the world.,.
** [[w:The Chordettes|The Chordettes]]̼'s baritone singer, Carol Buschmann in an article published on December 17, 2018 by the USA Today Network and entitled 'Bring me a dream': Remembering Wisconsin's famed Chordettes

* We haven't been the same since Elvis. He defined an era, he was America, the fresh young outsider who shook up the system, the shining star with clay feet and the dissipated innocent who could not understand what he had become. That is the stuff of legends.
** Sandra Choron and Bob Oskam, in the introduction to their book ̊&quot;The 328 best (and worse) things ever said about Elvis Presley&quot; published in 1991 by [[w:Kensington Books|Citadel Press]]̼ Books.

* i) Then, in mid 1968 he taped a television special in a black leather suit, in front of a select live audience, opening with &quot;Guitar Man&quot; and closing with a mild social-conscience song, '''&quot;If I Can Dream&quot;.''' But it wasn't until Greil Marcus brought out the recording of that performance for me, almost three years later, that I realized how significant it had been. Marcus has spent as much time listening as anyone who is liable to be objective, and he believes Elvis may have made the best music of his life that crucial comeback night. It's so easy to forget that Elvis was, or is, a great singer. Any account of his impact that omits that fundamental fact amounts to a dismissal. ii) Elvis made a great many major recordings, and no matter what jaded undergraduates think, few rock and rollers of any era have moved with such salacious insouciance. But it's my best guess that rocking or romantic, young or old, thin or fat, innocent or decadent, inspired or automatic, Elvis touches the millions he touches most deeply with that ineffable chestnut, the grain of his voice; from the pure possibility of &quot;Mystery Train&quot; and &quot;Love Me Tender&quot;, to the schlock passion of &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;, no singer has ever duplicated his aura of unguarded self-acceptance. The very refusal of sophistication that renders him unlistenable to Sinatraphiles is what his faithful love most about him. (In fact), listeners with looser standards in cultural articulation have a clearer pipeline to the meanings that voice might hold.
** i) Rock critic Robert Christgau, from his article entitled, &quot;The King and I&quot;, as published in www.robertchristgau.com and ii) in his 1973 book &quot;Any old way you choose&quot;

* It's called 'Love Song of the Year' and it's on the 'Promised Land' album, When I met Elvis, he leaned over and said, &quot;How do you like what I did with your song?&quot;.Not one single artist who used my songs ever did something like that, but Elvis did.
**[[w:Chris Christian|Chris Christian]] as noted in an interview with Newswest 9, and published on their February 23,2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley is widely regarded as the most significant global cultural icon of the 20th century.
** Auction house [[w:Christie's|Christie's]]'s laud of Elvis, as presented to bidders prior to the auction held in their NYC office on 17 May, 2018, and which later translated into an Andy Warhol's &quot;Double Elvis&quot; being sold, for the second time in 6 years, for another US̩37,000,000.

* Elvis was a brilliant artist. As a musicologist — and I consider myself one — there was always a great deal of respect for Elvis, especially during his Sun sessions. As a black people, we all knew that. (In fact), [[Eminem]] is the new Elvis because, number one, he had the respect for black music that Elvis had.
** [[w:Chuck D|Chuck D]] explaining how his feelings for Elvis' legacy are much more complicated than it was suggested by the lyrics in his song, &quot;Fight The Power&quot;, which was written 12 years earlier (published following an interview with the Associated Press in connection with the 25th Anniversary of Presley's death)

* I came late to the Elvis party. I never grabbed on to his shooting star in the ascendancy of his career. I was more into groups. And then a strange thing happened. Either Elvis changed or I did. Almost two decades ago, I began my oldies show on Thursday nights on WSRK in Oneonta and this is where I had the epiphany that Elvis Presley possessed one of the best male singing voices to ever climb the charts. Deep, passionate, powerful, no frills, no twang, no screaming. Classic. In the 1950s, nobody knew what he was. Still, it is the voice. I'm in awe of it and am a little embarrassed that I jumped on the bandwagon so late. But now that I am on it, I'm in the front seat, cheering all the way. Elvis is the King, let nobody doubt it. And if you are still a parade straggler, take my suggestion. Find yourself a copy of “An American Trilogy” (1972). It was recorded live before a sellout crowd at Madison Square Garden. This is Elvis' magnum opus. As he slides from “Dixie” to the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” you will be swept away. The orchestra provides the fanfare, the urban sounds of the background singers will mesmerize you and Elvis' vocals will lift you up. This one performance can actually be transformative. It is powerful yet sensitive, subtle yet bombastic. I don't know how, but it all works. And his voice was never better than on this song. “American Trilogy” is a Master Class. By a truly great artist.
** [[w:Big Chuck|Big Chuck]], radio personality, WSRK in Oneonta. NY, as published in the Daily Star, on January 12, 2015.

* From 1952 to 1980, we called it the industrialization generation. From 1980 to 2000, it was the democratization generation. Post-2000 we call it the millennial generation. I came of age in the 1980s and I have been very much influenced by American culture. In fact, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley were the biggest stars for the Korean people.
** {{w|Phillip Chun}}, Chairman of the Paradise Group, a market-leading integrated resort (IR) developer currently building Korea's first IR near the international airport in Incheon at a cost of more than $1 billion, in an article published on September 19, 2016 on the Worldfolio.

* When we visited Blenheim Palace, as Oxford University's Class of 1979 for post graduate diplomatc studies, the man who acted as Cicerone for us was Oxonian Godfrey Davis. As we got closer to the end of the tour, we approched a cardboard removable visual timeline where the largest photo was that of Sgt Elvis Presley. Questioned as to why was this so, Davis explained Sir Winston had come to like Elvis as a result of listening to &quot;It''s now ot never&quot; and &quot;Surrender...
** About Sir {{w|Winston Churchill}} 's liking of Elvis Presley, as told to members of the Foreign Service Programme by Godfrey Davis, the translator of the Magna Carta, during a tour of Blenheim Palace in the winter of 1979.

* Elvis Presley has had an unprecedented and lasting global impact on music and pop culture  {{w|Jody Gerson}} and I, along with the Universal Music Publishing Group teams around the world,   couldn’t be more excited and honoured to work with the {{w|Authentic Brands Group}} in making sure that Elvis’ iconic legacy endures for generations to come.
** Marc Cimino, Chief Operating Officer at  {{w|Universal Music Publishing Group}} on the acquisition of Elvis catalog, as reported by PRNewswire  on 13 April, 2022. 

* Who the hell's limousine is that?” That was Elvis Presley’s reaction to the sight of a long, black limo parked in front of the General Cinema in Memphis–one of Elvis’s favorite spots for personal midnight movie screenings. The limo happened to belong to me. In fact I had made a pilgrimage to meet him, at the special request of Jerry Schilling, one of Elvis’s entourage. “I think it’s probably Eric’s!, Schilling later told me how he answered Elvis question. Now, inside the theatre, the chance for a great summit meeting seemed to diminish when Elvis walked in and saw me and Pattie Harrison (George’s ex), sitting about 12th row center--right in Elvis’s seats. There was some tension, until Schilling made the introductions, and right away I made it really clear how much respect I had for him. Seeing that, he relaxed and turned into a charming host, and we fell into a really nice, friendly conversation.
** [[w:Eric Clapton|Eric Clapton]] in an article published in EC MUsic News, dated December 27, 2010.

* It’s rare when an artist’s talent can touch an entire generation of people. It’s even rarer when that same influence affects several generations. Elvis made an imprint on the world of pop music unequaled by any other single performer.”
** [[w:Dick Clark|Dick Clark]], as published in [http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html Elvis.net]

* I was lucky to be 12 years old when rock ‘n’ roll really busted out. I saw Elvis in Tulsa at the Fairground on his first big tour and all the girls screaming. I couldn't hear for days after that. He came out and did a half an hour without stopping. It was just amazing
** US Photographer [[w:Larry Clark|Larry Clark]], recalling for Andy Warhol's Interview the time when as a 12 year old he saw Presley perform in April of 1956, and published on November 9, 2010

*I met him in 1969 with Karen Carpenter, neither of us had ever met him before, so we went so see him perform at a show in Las Vegas. He was on great form and then we were invited back to his dressing room and, well, he was flirting with us. In the end I got us out of there and that really amused Elvis and when I saw him again after that we both had a good laugh about it.
** [[w:Petula Clark|Petula Clark]], her meeting Elvis, as noted in petula-clark-on-meeting-legends-of-stage-and-screen-13004/#ZUtve4JAGDc7XYvu.99

* Taking ownership in the wrong way (Michael Bolton trying to out-soul Percy Sledge in “When a Man Loves a Woman”) can lead to accusations of cultural appropriation — a nice euphemism for stealing. It's complicated. Pat Boone did sound like he was ripping off Little Richard with “Tutti Frutti.” But Elvis, to me (and to James Brown), sounded like he was delivering the goods&quot;.
**{{w|Roy Peter Clark}} US editor, and teacher of writing in an article published on Pointer on August 16, 2018.

* The first time I heard Elvis was via the western movie &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; in 1956 or ’57. I was a cowboy nut. &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; was also the first time I came up against female hysteria. I haven’t got a homosexual bone in my body but that is the most handsome man that ever lived, without a doubt. You can’t take your eyes off him. Also, to have a voice like that. Incredible. Charisma ain’t a big enough word for it. I get asked if punk was a rejection of Elvis and his style of rock ’n’ roll. But people who have a go at Elvis just miss the point. Elvis would shoot at the TV, and if something was on that he didn’t like the look of, it was the Colt 45. Elvis out‑punked everything. He wrote the book on punk. I never saw punk rock as being a rebellion against Elvis Presley, otherwise I wouldn’t have done gigs with bands like &quot;The Clash&quot; and &quot;the Sex Pistols&quot;.I’ve never been to Graceland, but before the pandemic my plan was to honour this. I had a full tour sheet stretching into next year and I thought, “As soon as we get these gigs out of the way, me and my wife are going to go on the holiday of a lifetime.” I was going to get an open-ended rail ticket from Grand Central Station in New York finishing at Graceland. Every August, on the anniversary of Elvis’s death, I write something about him. So I’ve got books and books and books of poetry and stuff around Elvis… The man who didn’t love Elvis is not as other men. He is condemned to miss the point time and time again.” Elvis, he’s the king of the world.”
** Punk rocker [[w:John Cooper Clarke|John Cooper Clarke]] on the October 14, 2021 edition of the Financial Tiomes.

* Prince had great respect for Elvis, the Bar Keys, Al Green and the influence on the music world from the Memphis' sound.
**  Norman Connors, African American music producer and University of Memphis professor whose spouse, R&amp;B singer [[w:Cherrelle|Cherrelle]] is Prince's cousin, in an interview  from WREG News Channel 3 Memphis.

* &quot;It's Now Or Never&quot; from &quot;O Sole Mio&quot;, &quot;Surrender&quot; from Torna A Sorrento&quot;, &quot;Tonight Is So Right For Love&quot; from &quot;Bacarolle and The Tales of Hoffman&quot;, &quot;Today, Tomorrow And Forever&quot;, from &quot;Liebestraume no. 3 in A flat&quot;, &quot;Can't Help Falling In Love&quot; from &quot;Plaisir d'Amour&quot;, &quot;Sleepy Heads&quot; from &quot;Guten Abend, Gut Nacht&quot;, &quot;Also Sprach Zarathustra&quot; by Johann Strauss II, and &quot;Tonight's all Right For Love&quot;, from Strauss &quot;Tales from the Vienna Woods&quot;.
** According to the UK's [[w:Classic FM (UK)|Classical FM]], the 8 times Elvis Presley borrowed from classical music, as published on 14 February 2018

* He was a fantastic Monty Pythom fan. He would watch us, while seated in bed with his wife,and do our sketches while simultaneously having to learn all the dialogue.
** [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]], in an interview with the Nightly Show, recounting what Priscilla Presley once told her friend Barbara Trentham (Cleese's 2nd of 4 wives)

* Very early in his rise to music fame, Elvis once visited the Tennessee Governor's mansion after his manager called ( my father) Governor Frank Clement and said he wanted him to meet Elvis. He told him to bring him out and also invited a group of African American state prison musicians called The Prisonaires. Everyone eventually retired to an upstairs room, where Elvis and the Prisonaires took turns performing numbers. Elvis got so carried away that he stayed until 3 am.He seemed shy, and so soft-spoken.
** Tennessee Congressman [[w:Bob Clement|Bob Clement]]'s recollections of his father, Governor [[w:Frank G. Clement|Frank G. Clement]] on a night in 1957 when he hosted a meeting at the Governor's mansion with Elvis and the R&amp;B group the Prisonaires, as related in the book entitled &quot;Presidents, Kings and Convicts&quot; by the younger Clement, and as published by John Shearer in the Chattanoogan, on March 27, 2017.

*In fact, Dylan's most recent Broward Center concert came just one month after the Nobel announcement, and despite all the public confusion and pearls-clutching over his win, the then 75-year-old artist appeared to be in high spirits, even striking Elvis Presley-inspired poses while leaning on his microphone stand and breaking into bowlegged, broncobuster shuffles during songs that otherwise would seem to reject them..
** Jake Cline, reviewing [[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]'s latest appearance in Ft Lauderdale, FL, in an article published on SouthFlorodacom on August 6, 2018 on

* You know, Bush is always comparing me to Elvis in sort of unflattering ways. I don't think Bush would have liked Elvis very much, and that's just another thing that's wrong with him. He was the first and the best, and is my favorite of all time.
**[[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]], during the 1992 presidential campaign, obviously unaware that Bush was a Presley admirer, and had in fact met him at the 1971 Jaycees ceremony, during his time as US Ambassador to the United Nations.

* No element of the South's culture has had more influence on the culture of the U.S. and other nations than its music. While the ballads and fiddle tunes brought by British settlers provided the foundation for what would become country music, the work songs and field hollers that were a vital part of the slaves' African heritage formed the basis of the blues. These musical forms did not always respect the South's racial divisions. There was more interaction than many realized as both the blues and country music grew more commercialized and, as members of both races left the farm in droves, more urbanized as well. When local radio stations and recording studios in cities like Memphis and New Orleans began to feature the work of both black and white performers after World War II, the closer contact and familiarity bred the revolutionary new sound that would become &quot;rock 'n roll.&quot; Elvis Presley quickly won an enormous youthful following as a white singer who sounded &quot;black,&quot; but if he succeeded by borrowing heavily from black stylings, he also helped to open the door to white audiences much wider for a host of black performers ranging from Little Richard to Chuck Berry.
** Author James C. Cobb, in an article entitled History of the South, Abbreviated: The Ol' Bloviator Boils It Down, published in &quot;Flagpole&quot; magazine's 17 February 2016 edition.

* The &quot;Shrine&quot; Auditorium in Los Angeles, was his first California stop, then Long Beach. He's the cat man...
**[[w:Eddie Cochrane|Eddie Cochrane]], who turned to rock after seeing Elvis at a concert at the Sportatorium in Dallas, TX on April 16, 1955, correcting his wife Alice, who had said she had attended Elvis first concert in California, at the Long Beach Arena. The exchange took place in London, during Eddie's last tour there.

* You won't find many books that range from Elvis to Helen Keller to Sir Isaac Newton that can change your life. This one also could&quot;
** John Cochran, former [[w:ABC New|ABC News]] and White House correspondent, speaking about Dr. E. Gaylon McCollough's memoirs and musings, in an interview with Fox News, Channel 10, on August 29, 2018.

* Sometime in the mid seventies, Elvis befriended a young black woman who was having trouble purchasing a car, struggling as a student in college at the time, so he went into the dealership got the car, then asked her to report to him the next day saying she would get a steady job answering the phones at Graceland (where most of her time was spent doing very little), thereby allowing for her to both have a place to study and focus on her school work and grades. She was ONLY required to report him every quarter showing him her grades. So not only did he buy a car for her, but he purposely *created* a job for her, where she could receive a steady paycheck while studying.
**{{w|Marion Cocke}}, Elvis' nurse, in an interview for the documentary &quot;Why Elvis&quot;

* Elvis is the greatest blues singer in the world today.
** {{w|Joe Cocker}}, who started his career imitating Elvis under the name Vance Arnold, circa 1961, as noted in about education.com

* The healing power of music isn't just anecdotal and Music &amp; Memory, a nonprofit organization that uses personalized music playlists to help improve the lives of those suffering from Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia, is dedicated to helping patients through the power of song. Along with enabling patients to find renewed meaning and connection by giving them access to music, the organization's work has been effective at reducing the use of anti-psychotic medications and helping manage the behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia, according to a Brown University study. To celebrate the organization's fundraising efforts to provide music and joy to patients nationwide, I wish to share a playlist featuring several of the most popular songs from [[w:Music therapy for Alzheimer's disease|Music &amp; Memory]]'s facilities around the world, including nostalgic favorites from Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra to The Supremes. The latter's &quot;Stop! In the Name of Love&quot; tends to be one that people remember from high school and that makes them happy, according to the San Francisco VA Medical Center. Frank Sinatra's &quot;Theme From New York, New York&quot; is being requested by almost every nursing home in Delaware, bringing joy to many and improving mood and behaviors. Also, as reported bu the states of Wisconsin and Texas, Elvis' &quot;Hound Dog&quot; inspires movement in individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
** Dan Cohen, in an article entitled &quot;Giving Tuesday playlist: songs that help bring joy to Alzheimer’s patients&quot;, as published in {{w|USA Today}}'s November 27, 2018 edition.

* I was relieved that all the stuff we'd been feeling for so long found expression in Presley and in rock in general. I was playing his records all the time to friends when they'd come over. I'd say, 'This guy is a great singer' – and they thought this was some kind of inverse snobbery, but it wasn't. Presley had that special kind of voice which makes your heart go out to a singer. I was a huge fan of Elvis. In fact, I was in town until today and bought a compilation LP of the man. Soon you will hear me sing “Don’t” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight” – but not at the plate. My voice is too deep, with 20,000 cigarettes leading my tone of voice three to four notches down too far.
**[[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]], as told to Bard Oses in an interview published on March 26, 2012 at &quot;Leonard Cohen Jukebox&quot; internet page. )

* Of course, the main harbinger of the homer era was probably Ruth himself. After “Heartbreak Hotel,” no one wanted to be Perry Como. They wanted to be Elvis Presley. After 1920, no one wanted to be Ty Cobb. They wanted to be Babe Ruth. The old game had been about precision, strategy, incremental progress. The new game was about power, the single blast that busts open the piñata.
** Writer [[w:Rich Cohen|Rich Cohen]], as published in the Washington Post on 27 October, 2017 in an article entitled Baseball didn't always love home runs. Here's how they took over the game.

* He treats the song as a private meditation, full of pain and the yearning to believe. Though the lyrics speak of hope, Elvis turns them into a cry, as if reaching for one last sliver of light in engulfing darkness. 'I am alone', he seems to be saying. But maybe, just maybe, we can find someone or something to cling to. In his case, it's God. But each of us, hearing him, reaches for our own salvation; if great art needs nakedness (then), those few minutes of Elvis alone at the piano amount to the most naked performance I've ever witnessed.
** [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]], commenting on Elvis Presley's rendition, totally alone at the piano, of &quot;You'll never walk alone&quot;, as witnessed by a full house of 17,500 gathering at the second of his two shows at the Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, NY, on 19 July, 1975, as published on the Guardian's Sunday edition, on January 21, 2007, in an article entitled &quot;The 25 best gigs of all time&quot;.

* Forty one years ago this week, as the BBC's correspondent in Washington DC, I was filming an interview with a lawyer about political corruption when his secretary burst in. 'Oh my God,' she cried, putting her hands to her face. 'Elvis Presley's dead!' Without a word, my cameraman and I packed up and headed to Washington's National Airport. When we landed in Memphis, it was late. Early on the next morning, we were outside Graceland when I was suddenly aware of a very big man next to me. 'Mr Cole,' he said, very firmly, 'I am the Deputy Sheriff of Memphis. I am commanded by the Presley family to invite you to visit with the deceased. He then took me by the elbow eventually ushering me through the doors to a scene I shall never forget. In the hall, a coffin had been placed on trestles. Behind it, in a sombre arc, stood members of the Presley family, including Elvis's ex-wife Priscilla, daughter Lisa Marie, and his father Vernon. One by one, I shook hands with them, extending my arm across the coffin where the greatest singer of the 20th century lay dead at the age of 42. Twenty years later, in 1997, I was telephoned by a BBC producer. He said he was making a programme about cults. He said they looked through all the newspaper, radio and television coverage when Elvis died and were sure that I had been the first person to report that some people were refusing to believe that he was dead. What he didn't ask was how I could know for sure that it was Elvis in the coffin. And of course, I couldn't as I had never seen him in the flesh before that morning. So, when you next read about Elvis Presley being spotted, aged 83, down at the chip shop or on the Moon, you now know who to blame: Me.
** [[w:Michael Cole (public relations)|Michael Cole]], BBC Washington correspondent on the day Elvis died, as told in an interview for the Mail Online and published on August 14, 2018.

* You see through the eyes of [[w:Queen Victoria|Queen Victoria]] how she saw the world. When she was young, she drew ballerinas, opera scenes, melodrama, but when she was older she drew landscapes, children, very domestic, simple things. Also tremendously helpful to me were my own own two personal encounters with Queen Elizabeth II, who in 2015 succeeded her great-great grandmother Victoria, as the longest-reigning British monarch. Our first meeting was at the premiere of Dr. Who, at which time the she told me that to travel through time and space must be fun. I next saw her at a polo match. What was most interesting and helpful was how people responded to her. The Queen's presence, as opposed say, that of Elvis Presley, was a hushed silence followed by calm...
** [[w:Jenna Coleman|Jenna Coleman]], UK actress playing Queen Victoria, as interviewed by Jane Levere for Forbes' January 12, 2019 edition

* This sound is like burnished gold, it shines. In Elvis's voice the ants will hear manifest destiny.
** [[w:Nick Coleman (British writer)|Nick Coleman]], reviewing Elvis' voice in his book &quot;Voices: How a Great Singer Can Change Your Life&quot; , as published by The Guardian on January 14, 2018.

* I accidentally met Elvis in 1967 in Palm Springs, California. I was 15 years old, and had just finished marching in a parade with the high school drill team and band.All of a sudden, one of my pals shrieked, &quot;There's Elvis Presley!&quot; I looked across the street and there he was. My girlfriends and I ran across four lanes of traffic to see him up close. He looked tan, healthy, trim, was very cordial, charming even, to the people who had gathered in the crowd, signing things they handed to him. After several minutes, he thanked everyone and said he needed to go inside to see his dentist, I, being an overly excitable 15-year-old, yelled from the outskirts of the crowd, &quot;Please, Elvis, just one more signature!&quot;He looked over the heads in the crowd, smiled at me, and said, &quot;Okay, just one more.&quot;And he let me through and I stood there, looking up at Elvis Presley.Gobsmacked doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. He asked me what I wanted him to sign and I realized I had nothing. So I said, &quot;Sign my back. I meant the back of my shirt, but he lifted my hair and placed the pen on the back of my neck and started writing. &quot;Sign the back of my shirt.&quot; I said. I could feel the pressure of his pen on my back and as he wrote he spelled out, &quot;T-h-e b-a-c-k o-f m-y s-h-i-r-t&quot; as though he were signing my exact words.I turned around and said, &quot;Is that what you wrote?&quot; And he gave me that curled-lip grin and said, &quot;No, honey, I wrote my name.&quot; And he went inside the dentist's office...
** Colleen Collins, award winning author and writer of dozens of novels published by [[w:Harlequin Enterprises|Harlequin Enterprises]], on the day she met Elvis, as published in her webstite's August 16, 2017 edition.

* Run by controversial ex-Lotus boss, [[w:Dany Bahar|Dany Bahar]], and based on the Lamborghini Huracan, the Project Panther is designed to be a modern interpretation of the DeTomaso Pantera. Produced between 1971 and 1992, the Pantera was initially powered by a Ford V8 engine making around 250kW of power, before later models pushed that figure closer to 265kW. But the car isn't famous for its engine, nor its rakish good looks. Instead, it's best known as the car Elvis Presley shot. He bought a Pantera for then-girlfriend Linda Thompson. After a fight, he tried to leave in a blaze of V8-powered burnout smoke but the car refused to start. So rather than giving it the last laugh, Presley whipped out his revolver and fired three shots, leaving two holes in the steering wheel and one in the floor. As far as we can tell, there are no bullet holes in Bahar's modern re-interpretation....
** [[w:Scott Collie|Scott Collie]], reviewing the Project Panther car for Caradvice on December 17, 2017

*I've come up under people that were before me that inspired me: Elvis Presley, Little Richard, you name it from back in the day, Jimi Hendrix, Sly Stone. All these cats had not only music, but they had expressions in what they wore.&quot;
** {{w|Bootsy Collins}} African American musicians in a 2001 interview with Tom Murphy as published on the West Word Music

* Elvis Presley did more to change the course of popular music and youth culture than any other entertainer in the twentieth century, beginning with his meeting Sam Phillips in 1954, at the Sun Records label, in Memphis. In 1956, for Presley's first single at RCA, producer Steve Sholes was adamant that Phillips' sonic treatments be adhered to, as closely as possible. So, in attempting to recreate the Sun echo sound, Sholes relied on the ambiance of RCA's then-cavernous recording studio in Nashville, rather than the tape-delay method; the major problem facing Sholes was Presley's tendency to get carried away with the music and wander away from the microphone; so, rather than spoil the singer's fun, Sholes decided to position three microphones around Presley to capture his quivering voice, no matter where he strayed; the results were breathtaking.
** Columbia University's &quot;History of Record Production&quot; (Part II of syllabus)

* Elvis was danger, and passion and sex, and he broke all those barriers.
** M. Tye Comer, Editor for Billboard, in an interview with Geraldo Rivera for Fox's Rise to Fame, as broadcast on January 8, 2015.

* All the Christians felt Elvis was a sin, so my sister Sarah and I loved Elvis, We obtained an Elvis record, sneaked it into dad's study to listen to it, BUT NOT BEFORE placing a towel across the bottom of the door to muffle the sound. I then obtained an autograph from him while I visited Memphis, which remains one of my treasured possessions.
**{{w|Charles Paul Conn}}, President of Lee University in Cleveland, TN, recalling his younger days in an article published in the Cleveland Daily Banner, on October 21, 2017

* The generosity and public spirited zeal with which you donate your services to the Arizona Memorial Fund are appreciated by all of us in the Navy.
** Secretary of the Navy {{w|John Connally}}'s words, read by Rear Admiral Robert L.Campbell, just prior to Elvis entering the stage to deliver his promise to donate all the proceeds, and more, towards the construction of the Arizona Memorial, on March 25, 1961. The above mentioned contribution, then set at US$64,000, is equivalent after adjustments made for inflation to $517,574, in 2016 dollars.

* The black leather concert from Elvis Presley's 1968 Comeback Special
** Mezzo soprano {{w|Sarah Connally}}'s answer to the question of what would she consider to be her musical guilty pleasure, as published in the Guardian's March 6, 2016 edition.

* About two days after Elvis's 1969 Vegas shows, I was back in New York and went into Albert Grossman's office because I was trying to see Bob Dylan and he managed him. He said that he was in Woodstock. For some reason he suddenly put me on the phone with Dylan and I didn't know what to say to him because I hadn't planned to interview him. I told him I'd just been to see Elvis. From that moment instead of me being a Bob Dylan fan we were both Elvis fans. Dylan asked me precisely, &quot;What did he do? Did he do the Sun stuff? Did he do 'That's All Right, Mama'? Did he do 'Mystery Train'? Who's in the band?&quot; Dylan read the New York Times review but he wanted to know what I thought of it. All these questions. Two days later I'm back in England and I'm on the phone with John Lennon and I get exactly the same questions from him about Elvis. Lennon asked, &quot;How was the show? Did he do any of the Sun numbers? Did he play 'Mystery Train'?&quot; It showed me more than anything that rock stars are basically fans.
** {{w|Ray Connolly}}, UK columnist, novelist, script-writer and interviewer and biographer for both Lennon and Presley, as told to Ken Sharp, of EIN, on January 9,2010

* I met Elvis on a football field. I was trying to get to him and I finally sent him to the floor. That's how we became friends. I like Elvis a lot, he is a legend who just died too young.
** {{w|Robert Conrad}} in an interview with the PM show.

* In Las Vegas, he was a different Elvis, putting on the blitz, the neon signs dared him. In a sense, he codified, encapsulated, permeated, embodied Americana. It was so real in its total artificiality, as Elvis brought it all together and made it work.
** {{w|Tom Constanten}}, keyboardist for the {{w|Grateful Dead}}, as interviewed by the BBC in 2017.

* In the mid fifties, Presley initiated a new phase in the popularizing of African American vocal techniques, combining them with influences from country music to create a unique style full of hiccups, between the beat accents, and striking register shifts, from chest voice baritone to falsetto. First, when writing about the echo effect in his early SUN recordings, Richard Middleton, in his &quot;Studying Popular Music&quot;, says the effect is largely used to intensify star presence, in fact, Presley becomes larger than life. Conversely, as Henry Pleasants noted in his book &quot;The great american Popular singers¨¨, Presley was said to dominate a vocal style appropriate to different generic contexts, thereby developing a vocal multiplicity, a sound for country, a sound for gospel, a sound for ballads and a sound for R&amp;B.
** Continuum Encyclopèdia of Popular Music of the World, Volume II (Performance and Production),section pertaining to relevant vocal techniques in modern music.

* The first thing you think of is his cool charisma, his electric personality, the larger than life thing that all those figures embody. But there’s also that little wide-eyed, innocent, naive country boy that is as much a part of it as anything. Elvis embodied both of those.
** [[w:Mike Cooley (musician)|Mike Cooley]], songwriter, singer, and guitarist from Tuscumbia and a member of the band Drive-By Truckers. talking about Elvis in an installment of the “Birthplace Sessions,” filmed on the front porch of the Presley home in Tupelo, Mississippi.

* Well, I love Elvis Presley.
** CNN anchor [[w:Anderson Cooper|Anderson Cooper]]'s earnest assertion to another CNN reporter who asked him if he (who is not married and in fact is openly gay), wouldn't mind being married by an Elvis impersonator, as reported by CNN and as part of the 2018 New Year's celebration in a live broadcast from Las Vegas.NV.

* i) He was wearing giraffe skin pants and Aladdin shoes and a pair of socks that Elvis gave him ii) Rock has always had religion. After all, it started as gospel music. Elvis Presley knew every gospel song ever made. I'm not an alarmist or nihilist, but the world gets more dangerous every day. I think our natural survival instinct makes us question where we stand with God even if some claim atheism.”
** [[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]'s tale of his visiting his friend, [[w:Salvador Dali|Salvador Dali]], another huge Elvis fan, at the St Regis Hotel, in New York ii) As published in the foreword to Mark Joseph{s newest book on Rock and Religion.

* On his live versions of songs like &quot;How Great Thou Art&quot;(1975),&quot;Unchained Melody&quot;(1976) and &quot;Hurt&quot; (1977), you will be able to hear how high he can go; but, it is essentially on &quot;What Now My Love&quot; (sang live at his &quot;Aloha from Hawaii&quot; global telecast, which reached 1 billion viewers when first aired in 1973), where he goes up three octaves at the end of the song, that you can really hear his true vocal power.
** Cory Cooper, vocal connoisseur, on Presley's vocal range, as published in ALLEXPERTS.com, on 4 February 2005.

* Elvis Presley all the way. He was my hero when I was seven and remains so to this day
** UK poet [[w:John Cooper Clarke|John Cooper Clarke]]'s answer to the question of who his heroes are, as published on the New Statesman magazine's November 7, 2018, edition.

* She was involved in everything we did at the Junior Shop, our ladies' wear store. I remember her working very hard, but one thing that always really stood out for me was when someone would come in needing a dress for a family member who had passed away. She would always say, ‘just take it. Even when some of those people insisted on paying anyway, she would tear up the check right after they walked out the door. She used to have us call the radio station to request Elvis Presley singing ‘How Great Thou Art’ all the time. As her health increasingly declined, I knew there was one last thing I could do for her, so I had it playing when she died.
** Laura Cooper, speaking about the death of her mother Gaynelle Blackmon Nunnelley, a huge Elvis fan, in an article entitled &quot;Remembered for kindness&quot; and as published in the December 25, 2018 edition of Alabama's [[w:Arab, Alabama|Arab Tribune]]

* Since 1962, and the first appearance of Elvis, as silkscreened by Warhol, the face of America changed. The most insistent question posed by the ElvisWarhol series concerns the nature of their specifically charged content, and the viewing of Warhol's imagery not as signs, but as icons dealing with a larger content of culture in America. To a large group of Americans, Presley has long been a folk hero, yet his musical impact has overshadowed his sociological significance. Presley's importance is not simply as a popular entertainer but as a bearer of new verities.
** UK art curator [[w:John Coplans|John Coplans]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as noted in his &quot;Warhol and Elvis&quot;, Studio International, 1971.

* Often I err on the side of being too collaborative. I re-edited &quot;The Outsiders&quot; because Warner Brothers felt it was long, and that was a mistake. My father had also written a soaring, romantic score for it. I wondered if it was the right choice, but I couldn’t say that to him. By the time I recut the movie in 2005 he had passed away, and I balanced the schmaltzy music with more of what the Greasers would have listened to: early Elvis Presley....
** [[w:Francis Ford John Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] in an article published in the Guardian's November 1, 2021 edition and entitled ‘Tom Cruise was an intense kid’: How Francis Ford Coppola made The Outsiders&quot;

* SUN Records founder Sam Phillips was surprised that the then 19 year old Elvis Presley knew bluesmen like Arthur Crudup -- but he had spent his last 6 years immersing himself in the blues and Beale Street, where the music and culture of the black Mississippi Delta had settled. Presley was so &quot;blue&quot; -- and his speech so Deep Southern -- that radio announcers took pains to assure listeners in the still-segregated South that the young singer was white. If you go to Sun Studio today is like to travel in time. At 706 Union Ave., it's still 1954. &quot;You are walking on holy ground,&quot; the guide tells visitors...
** [[w:Christopher Corbett|Christopher Corbett]] writing for the Washington Post, in an article entitled &quot;Sun Worship&quot; as published in their August 2, 1996 edition.

* One day at the MGM lot a round Italian looking guy came into the set. He said something like “I’m one of Elvis’ guys, we are shooting at stage 16 and since Elvis saw “Synanon” and loved it he would like to invite you to lunch.” What did I say? Hell yes! Before I knew it I was in Elvis’ dressing room eating a catered lunch.
** [[w:Alex Cord|Alex Cord]], in reply to numerous of his fans asking him if he ever met Elvis, as quoted from his online page on its October 19, 2013 edition

* We are startled, on the amazing &quot;Blue Moon,&quot;(1954), by his trick of shifting, in a heartbeat, from saloon baritone to pants-too-tight wailing and by his near Hawaiian avoiding of consonants (&quot;Ya-hoo A-know Ah can be fou'/ Sittin' home all alo'&quot;), from &quot;Don't Be Cruel&quot; (1956), a song that comes close to redefining the art of the pop vocal; So, what's left? A terrific crooner who was closer, in intonation, vocal virtuosity and care for a song's mood, to Bing Crosby, than to any top singer of the rock era. Toward the end, he still had it as a Gospel balladeer, the choir-soloist power of the hymn &quot;He Touched Me&quot; (1971) — his voice breaking poignantly at the end of the hymn, as if he had just seen Jesus — still thrills and haunts. So does his desire to please an audience of kids and grandmas, instead of comfortably occupying a niche, as almost every pop star has done since.
** Richard Corliss, TIME magazine`s Music Editor, reviewing the &quot;Platinum&quot;, box-set, as published in the magazine`s January 8, 2003 edition.

* The Danish gave birth to not only Lego. Legends are also top billing in that part of Europe and most deal with Vikings and Norsemen pillaging and plundering — visiting neighbours not in a nice way —. But this boutique nation also houses a big tribute to Elvis Presley. Now, one probably knows about the mermaid statue in Copenhagen harbour and may be surprised to discover how small it is. And yet another may likewise be aware of Hans Christian Andersen, a Dane whose fairy stories, including {{w|The Little Mermaid}}, have delighted young readers and listeners all over the world. Presley's life was another sort of fairytale, all the more so for being cut short. And the legend came in tangible form to a Danish town, thanks to a fan who, as an eight-year-old boy, had heard &quot;Burning love&quot;. On that day in 1973 Henrik Knudsen could not, as the song went, have been lifted any higher so by the time Elvis died in 1977, he was absolutely hooked. In school, his English teacher, who was from East Germany, told him his music was banned in her country. Forbidden? Music? Very interesting. So he got books from the library and found out all he could. For Henrik, the flame of love lasted into adulthood. In 1990 he founded The Official Elvis Presley Fan Club of Denmark and within three years he had gathered truck-fulls of Presleyana to open an exhibition. From there the only way was over the top and into a sizeable building in the town of Randers, about an hour's drive north of Aarhus, Denmark's second city. And then Graceland Randers was born...
** Patrick Cornish, for the {{w|The West Australian}}, in an article published in the Travel section of their December 27, 2018 edition and focusing on how Henrik Knudsen and his extraordinary replica of Graceland, now a big tourist attraction in Denmark, came into being.

* Now Ali is in ring center, dancing around in that robe Elvis Presley gave him at his last fight in Las Vegas, some 6 weeks ago prior to his fight against British Champion Joe Bugner.
** Sportscaster {{w|Howard Cosell}}'s introduction of Muhammad Ali for his first fight against Ken Norton, an event he called for ABC TV' Wide World of Sport's on March 31, 1973

*  Such was his star power, that I would compare him with Elvis Presley
** Joan Coulson, on how much power she noticed,  as a 15 year old,   the future Archbishop and 1984  Nobel Peace Prize Laureate {{w|Desmond Tutu}} seemed   to have over the minds of all South Africans, as reported in the Agence France Press's 30 Dec 2021 edition

* i) When my pop music pals were singing in the mirror pretending to be Elvis Presley, I was pretending to conduct his band. ii)  I was once sitting in my youth in a terrace house listening to him  singing &quot;Hound Dog&quot; so  did I ever think in a million years that The King would one day sing something I had written? No. Sometimes I have to pinch myself about that. I still get tingles when some DJ with excellent taste plays Elvis singing &quot;My Boy&quot;  and I remember when I sat down and wrote those lyrics.””
** {{w|Phil Coulter}}, quoted in i)the Irish Times's October 12, 2019 edition.and ii) at the Newsletter's 14 January 2022 edition. 

* He stood for rock 'n' roll at a time when rock 'n' roll was rebellion, but I think he stood for so many more things than that. He was a southern kid, came from very humble roots, became very popular and very rich and very famous. In this country, that's the American Dream. And that's the Elvis story. What was interesting is that at the outset, Elvis came in through the Country and Western world, signed by RCA in Nashville, not in New York, then went to Pop and soon started to have hits on all three charts, including the R&amp;B chart, and was landing hits everywhere, a fact that totally surprised the music industry. But they were surely delighted to make the money..
** {{w|John Covach}}, Professor and Chair, Department of Music, School of Arts and Sciences at the Eastman School of Music, at the University of Rochester, in an article for the Atlantic, published on January 8, 2016 and during his lecture entitled &quot;Out of Nowhere: The Surprising Emergence of Elvis Presley and The Beatles, available on YouTube since March 7, 2014.

* With all the Led Zeppelin comparisons and stuff – it was very much a hybrid of 1957's 'Jailhouse Rock' by Elvis Presley and the middle piece was inspired by a Jeff Beck Group song called 'Rice Pudding.'
** {{w|David Coverdale}}, Whitesnake's mastermind, discussing the band's staple 1987 hit &quot;Still of the Night,&quot;in an interview with Ultimate Guitar as published on 2 December 2017.

* He was was very funny and had charisma that was bigger than life. I enjoyed our friendship.
** {{w|Ralph Wolfe Cowan}}, the only painter for whom Elvis ever sat, recalling the moments he spent with him, in 1969,as noted in an article published in the January 8, 2010 edition of the Smithsonian magazine.

* Of course everyone is influenced by hearing or seeing the music of the era being performed by the people that made it famous. Take for example Elvis Presley — I think at first glance you see this rock ‘n’ roll god who gets every girl, and then you hear such a beautiful melody and vocal and it completely changes the way you view music. It broadens your mind. Growing up listening to him, I think everything right from the phrasing, the presence on stage has influenced me in some way.
**[[w:Harrison Craig|Harrison Craig]], Australian singer who was runner up in the Voice's 2013 edition, in an interview for news.com.au, published on 9 March, 2017 on the influence the city of Las Vegas and Elvis had on his performing and singing style.

* But let's not be to harsh on Mr.Presley. Doubtless he is doing the best he can. But when the american public shell more than a million dollars in one year to see him, well, let us leave it at that, but maybe this is the Elvis Presley Century.,
** Ed Creagh, for [[w:Troy, Alabama|The Troy Messenger]] in an article entitled &quot;Craig Wonders whether the 20th Century will be known as the Century of Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in The Troy Messenger's Friday Nov. 30, 1956 edition.

* I met Elvis only once and I figure him for a pretty nice guy. And as to music, I really dig his stuff.
** Thomas W Creel, in late 1959, the member of the Army's Company D of the 13th Cavalry stationed in the then West Germany who was selected by Hollywood producer [[w:Hal Wallis|Hal Wallis]] as Elvis's double in the exterior scenes shot on that country for &quot;G.I. Blues&quot; mainly because Wallis felt he looked and walked like him from a distance, as reported in the Army-edited newspaper the [[w:Stars and Stripes (newspaper)|Stars and Stripes]]'s issue of November of 1959.

* It’s difficult to imagine the feeling in this city that has existed in the last few months since he’s actually been here. The impact he has had has gone beyond football, beyond that of Manchester and the Premier League – it’s absolutely incredible. What he did on Wednesday night is exactly what he’s here to do which is to bring magic to the stadium. It’s almost like Elvis Presley is in Manchester, he’s like a god.
** About [[w:Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]'s impact on the city of Manchester as noted by [[w:Gary Neville|Gary Neville]] in an article published in the Daily Star's October 24, 2021 edition.

* It was a question that would occupy biographers, novelists and the public to the end of the century and beyond. It would spawn theories of conspiracies and cover-ups that would range from Hollywood to Washington. The imagery of [[w:Marilyn Monroe|Marilyn Monroe]] would survive to be reinvented and recycled in ways none of us could have imagined in 1962. Yet after 15 years, we might have learned something about that process when the news of Elvis Presley arrived in August 16 1977. I was on vacation that month. If the death of Marilyn seemed sensational, it was sedate compared to Presley's passing, which became a story of crowd control. Now, a good obituary invokes nostalgia in some, curiosity in others and no one could manage both better than my colleague [[w:Charles Kuralt|Charles Kuralt]], but he couldn't peer into the future and see all the peculiar ways in which Presley mania would persist. Almost two months later to that day, the top story on the CBS Evening News was the death of Bing Crosby. Now, he, Sinatra, Reagan, Churchill and others whose obituaries have been written all lived long enough to see their debts to fame settled.Monroe and Presley did not. They were given the riches, but they were cut off before their time. I don't know if they were unhappy, but for their public, it was easy to imagine their youth and self-destruction as a kind of romantic, self-inflicted martyrdom. To many, that aura is at least as fascinating as the person, or the work, but it only materializes after the obituaries have been filed, as life goes on, even in death.
**[[w:Walter Cronkite|Walter Cronkite]] for NPR News in an article entitled &quot;The Art of the obituary&quot; , and as published in their April 20, 2006 edition.

* He helped to kill off the influence of me and my contemporaries, but I respect him for that because music always has to progress, and no-one could have opened the door to the future like he did.
**[[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]], as published in iheart.com

* Yeah, I think I do. Aside from the performing, we were up in his suite at the Sahara in Lake Tahoe and the guys were all just sitting around. We were having just a general conversation. He liked to do that. He would have that just about every night after work. The guys would all come up to his suite and they'd sit around and chat. And I remember him just getting so involved in the conversation and listening so carefully to what everybody else had to say. He never once dominated. He never once tried to say, 'Hey, I'm the boss'. You know, this is what I got to say. He really cared about what the other people contributed to the conversation and he listened. And I respected that so much because unfortunately as I said earlier, we have so many people in our business who are ego controlled who don't understand that maybe somebody else does know something. So I was very profoundly affected by that and respectful of him
** Comedian [[w:Norm Crosby|Norm Crosby]]'s answer to a reporter who asked him whether he had any special memorries of him, from an interview published in Facebook's Elvis Educatiuon Forum page.

* Titley uses the memoirs of mostly former nuns very adroitly to give us a sense of what life was like during this period for those who felt or were persuaded that they had a vocation. Despite the church's toxic fear of sexuality, the “Brides of Christ” designation for nuns had a very unhealthy aura of sexual desire built into it, channelling feelings that would otherwise have found outlets in human sexual partnerships. One nun recounts how her teacher (a nun) was thrilled when Dolores Hart, an actress who was the first to kiss Elvis Presley on screen, became a Benedictine sister: even Elvis could not compete with Jesus.
** Catriona Crowe, Head of Special Projects at the {{w|National Archives of Ireland}}, reviewing Brian Titley's &quot;Into Silence and Servitude&quot; for the Irish Times, and published there on January 7, 2018.

* I still really don't know to this day what the fuck that was all about. All I know is, I arrived in LA, got to my hotel, as I'd done umpteen times before, started unpacking, and there was a knock at the door and a team of FBI guys wanted to sit down and discuss something with me. And then, for nearly two years, they were always around. I remember going to the Golden Globes and having, like, 16 security guys with me. I don't even know why...and of course, people were like: 'Look at him, he thinks he's fucking Elvis'
**[[w:Russell Crowe|Russell Crowe]],in an interview to the Daily Mirror, discussing the time he was targeted as a possible kidnapping subject by Al Qaeda, sometime in 2001.

* We should do it right now. You want a little bit of Elvis?   &quot;One for the money, two for the show...
**[[w:Tom Cruise|Tom Cruise]], after ackowledging he had never sang in public as broadcast 
in  the Jay Leno Show's 11 Dec 2008 edition.  

* Yes, my dad killed JFK, he is secretly Elvis, and Jimmy Hoffa is buried in his backyard
** [[w:Ted Cruz|Ted Cruz]], in a tweet to Donald Trump, who suggested his father had been a friend of Lee Harvey Oswald,sent on May of 2016

* I wasn't thinking and thought I must press the suit and since it was a gold lamé, it wrinkled like the face of a modern Keith Richards!!!
** [[w:Manuel Cuevas|Manuel Cuevas]] Mexican born designer best known for the creation of Elvis' US$10,000 Gold Lame suit for Nudie's in Hollywood. He was actually recalling, in 2016, what happened moments before Elvis and Col. Parker picked up the suit at Nudie's, in the spring of 1957, as told in the book &quot;Manuel, the Rhinestone Rembrandt&quot;.

* There's also the Elvis connexion, the idea that he faked his death in 1977, but wanted to carry on being on screen, so he made a cameo appearance in &quot;Home Alone&quot;. Remember the rocker at the airport?
** Child actor and singer [[w:Macaulay Culkin|Macaulay Culkin]], pointing out some of the interesting conspiracies that derived from the huge success of &quot;Home Alone&quot;, in an interview with the Irish Times published on March 3, 2018.

* Actor Ed Asner and I quickly became friends. We would sit outside our dressing rooms and talk about politics and the civil rights movement. Ed described himself as a liberal and he didn't agree with what was going on in the country. One day as we were talking Elvis came over to join the conversation. So there the three of us were Elvis, Ed Asner and myself – kicking it around. Elvis played the doctor running a medical clinic in the ghetto. I played a black militant and Ed was the local police officer that played peacekeeper.I was impressed to be working with Elvis but you must remember these were turbulent times for our country and nobody knew what sudden provocation might shape or change our interactions on a daily basis. One evening after we finished shooting Elvis invited me to his dressing room. He was about to release a new album and wanted to get my opinion on one particular song; &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;. I really enjoyed the song. I was impressed and I told him so. He was pleased that I liked it and he shared his satisfaction with me we had a drink or two. During a certain part of the evening I took it upon myself to ask him a question that had been on my mind for some time I was rather reluctant to ask given our conversation thus far has been so pleasant. but I felt like I had to pose this question to him. I said you know &quot;Elvis, there is word going around our community that you said 'the only thing black people could do for you what shine your shoes and buy your records.&quot; Silence. More silence. Uncomfortable silence. I began to think that he was going to kick me out of his room. Suddenly he surprised me,got slightly emotional and look me dead in my eyes. &quot;I've heard that rumor&quot; he said &quot;It's a vicious lie, and if I knew who started it I would flat kick their asses&quot; He went on to say that he had a special place in his heart for black people declaring that he learned to sing by listening to black people sing gospel and the blues. He claimed he learned how to dance by watching black dudes do their thing. Some of the people closest to him, he said, were black. I could tell immediately that the rumor I had brought up deeply hurt his feelings. I could also tell that he was speaking to me from his heart. That conversation really opened my eyes to the person that Elvis Presley really was -- not the media portrayal ,not the stage persona, not the roles he played in movies, but the real Elvis Presley, the man. He truly earned my respect and we parted ways as friends.Years later I was on location in Knoxville Tennessee co-starring in a television series [Roots] when I got word of Elvis's passing. It shocked me and I was tremendously distressed by his death, as was the whole country.
** African American actor {{w|Ji-Tu Cumbuka}}, from his biography&quot; A Giant to Remember: The Black Actor in Hollywood&quot;

* I think we're living in a very diverse country now, and if you look at the nativity, traditionally, it was Mary and Joseph, whereas every time I go to a Nativity play it's a loose story. I think it is time to modernise it a little bit and bring a bit of diversity. Why would people not want Elvis and Lobsters instead of Jesus? Come to think of it, when you go to watch the nativity you go and watch them perform.
** Jessica Cunningham, former candidate in the Apprentice, making the case, to hosts {{w|Piers Morgan}} and {{w|Susanna Reid}}, for UK primary schools to ditch the traditional nativity in favour of a more modern and diverse play, the latter after a survey revealed that only 37% of schools will be performing a traditional nativity play, and as reported by UK Yahoo news on December 11. 2018.

* I'd been quilting for 40 years, lost all of my teaching gigs and seminars for the rest of 2020. They sell for about $9,500 each and I do four-day retreats that can cost $1,400 but after making more than 100 masks, I realized I was going to have to restructure my business. I did a lecture and studio tour on Zoom, and then hosted my first online class. I was skeptical as to how many people would pay $35 for it, but was thrilled that 268 people signed up for the webinar. It's not like I'm Elvis Presley, but that's a cheap workshop with me.”
** Joe Cunningham, noted [[w:quil|quilter]] from San Francisco, CA, on his now making a profit doing masks, after the 2020 pandemic and as reported by the Washington Post on their July 1, 2020 edition in an article entitled &quot;The pandemic-fueled demand for masks has reignited interest in an age-old skill&quot;

* Vocally is where I see him as this great synthesiser of American traditions; his voice is something of a shape shifter, it can sound high and mournful and soulful, and he can also sound like a preacher, or be quite gruff, or be a sweet crooner; it's not the tone, it's the technique, like he had to adopt all these other techniques and put them together to make something extraordinary; the reason there are so many Elvis impersonators is because the voice is undoable – it's a mystery.
** [[w:Justin Currie|Justin Currie]] Scottish songwriter and singer, explaining Elvis´art to staff writer Graem Thompson, as published in the Scottish Herald, on 26 July 2010.

* I was making 'The Rat Race' at Paramount and he was also on the lot, shooting &quot;G.I. Blues&quot;. So I happened to be walking by a trailer when its door opens, I look up, and there he was, so he grabs me, pulls me in and he says, 'Mr Curtis, I want you to know what a fan I am. I used to watch your movies in Tennessee'. And I said, 'Please, don't call me Mr Curtis'. And this handsome kid looks at me and says, 'So what do you want me to call you?' And I said, 'Just call me Tony'. And I said, 'So what do I call you?' And he said, 'Mr Presley'. Bam, was he funny. We had a great time together.
** [[w:Tony Curtis|Tony Curtis]], as ´published in For Elvis Fans Only on May 18, 2008

* When I was asked to direct Elvis and after a few conversations with him, I began to sit up and take notice. This is a lovely boy, and he's going to be a wonderful actor. When I told him that he would sing three ballads without one single movement, I didn't get the answer you'd expect. Instead, he merely nodded and said simply, 'You're the boss, Mr. Curtiz.'I found him an amazingly restless, ever-searching young man, pliable, absorbing with a bounce like a rubber ball. In my manner of thinking, he possesses much the same qualities which Gary Cooper and John Wayne showed when they first started in pictures --with one notable exception, namely that they capitalized and still capitalize on an element of awkwardness, while Elvis is agile and resilient with a smoothness that you'd expect in a veteran. I guarantee that he'll amaze everyone. He shows a formidable talent. What's more, he'll get the respect he so dearly desires.
** Two time Oscar winning Director [[w:Michael Curtiz|Michael Curtiz]], focusing on Elvis acting capacities in King Creole, which he directed, as published in the Daily notes, on April 9, 1958

* &quot;Younger Now&quot;, my new album, was inspired by my love of Elvis Presley and the fantasies I had about him. I used to rewind one of his movies, Blue Hawaii, just to hear him say my name. I would do this over and over and over again because he would say 'I love you, Miley' and I would fantasize HIM telling ME that he loved ME.
** {{w|Miley Cyrus}}, revealing for the Daily Mail the source for inspiration for her latest album, Younger now, in an article published on 28 September, 2017.

== D ==
* My fans always remember and recognise me for &quot;Disco Dancer&quot;, making the song and me inseparable. This song is also special because its various movements and dance steps are inspired by the great singer and performer Elvis Presley. I feel my pelvic thrust &quot;Disco Dancer&quot; was just a bad copy of Presley's signature move and for me, he will always be the King of dance.”
** Mithum Da, real name {{w|Mithun Chakraborty}}, Indian actor, singer and former Rajya Sabha Member of Parliament, in an article published by the Bollywood news on February 5, 2018

* Elvis Presley's incendiary vocal performance of &quot;Baby, let's play house&quot;(1955), hails from rockabilly's formative era, when the rules hadn't yet been cast in stone, and Elvis was still experimenting in overdrive, searching for the compelling sound that would catapult him to icon status in little over a year. Presley's slapback, echo laden hiccuping – briefly rendered &quot;a cappella&quot; before the snarling low end guitar of Scotty Moore enters –, segues into an irresistibly lascivious declaration of lust, and a not-so-subtle hint of violence. Both of Scotty Moore's immaculately conceived, and executed solos were monstrously influential to the rockabilly idiom, copied by countless Southern axe-wielding teens. And Bill Black slaps his thundering upright bass so percussively, that no drummer was necessary.
** Bill Dahl, reviewing Elvis' fourth release at the Sun Records label, for AllMusicGuide.com

* Millennials, those born in between 1980 and 2000, get blamed for ruining all kinds of things, from iconic brands, to the economy. That generation is portrayed by the media as being stubborn, lazy, entitled, whiny, and oh yeah, capable of wiping out entire industries with just the flick of a mason jar. But what the baby boomers seem to forget is that every older generation casts aspersions on the young folks, shaking their heads at how things change and reminiscing over the “good old days.” There was a time when Elvis Presley's gyrations were considered the height of vulgarity. Now we have HBO.
** Amanda Harding, for the [[w:Daily Beast|Daily Beast]]'s The Cheat Sheet, in an article published on March 2, 2018.

* From a shy young boy to global superstar, the icon of the 20th century that was Elvis Presley is still as enigmatic today as when he was alive. One of the most celebrated and influential popular musicians of all time, his gift and talent, flaws and failings are as enchanting now as they were when he first snarled his lips
** Beth Daley, Editor and General Manager of Australia's [[w:The Conversation (website)|The Conversation]], in an editorial published on August 14, 2017.

* Growing up with the Beatles, then Bowie, I used to think Elvis Presley was an old-fashioned crooner, someone your auntie liked, a hillbilly rocker with greasy hair who starred in cheesy films. I had no idea that before Elvis, blues music was played by black people, country by their white neighbours, and gospel by both, but never together. I was blind to the fact that, before Elvis, radio stations and record labels, like everything in the south, were divided by colour. It was Elvis who, as if by magic, merged the blues, country and gospel and created the soundtrack to the modern world. He didn't “steal” black music. He absorbed it from an early age, growing up in poor neighbourhoods in Tupelo, MS, then Memphis TN. He lived and breathed rhythm and blues. He had soul.
** Susan Dalgety, Scottish Civil Rights writer, for the [[w:The Scotsman|The Scotsman]], as published in July 21, 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Embrace legacy of Otis and Elvis in the name of freedom&quot;

* You cut the hair of the greatest singer and now you can say you cut the moustache of the greatest artist. Incidentally he came to my place in 1972, in NYC, we had a great time and as we bid our goodbyes, I told him how I loved the shirt he was wearing. So he took it off, slowly, and handed it to me. When he left the building he was naked from the waist up. LOL. Anyways I then used it to paint that week, and for sentimental reasons, I never failed to put it on again, whenever I painted&quot;
** [[w:Salvador Dali|Salvador Dali]]'s words to Larry Geller, Elvis hair stylist, after spending with him an entire week in Paris, during which he insisted he trimmed his animated and eccentric moustache, as published in Geller's Leaves of Elvis Garden.

* I eventually went to Woodstock, the Monterey Festival, Altamont and did the Manson story for Rolling Stone so to cover Elvis' first live show in many years was a must see for me. Elvis was still a huge idol. We saw him as a god. It was a quasi-religious experience. It was one of those wonderful symbiotic events where the audience and the star are both creating a combined energy field. Elvis was getting off on it. It was like some sort of a strange play starring this kid from Tupelo, Mississippi who was made King. That show was a really ecstatic event for me to witness. Much of the audience was the same age as him but Elvis seemed ageless, almost like a folk hero.
** [[w:David Dalton (writer)|David Dalton]], covering Elvis first show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas on 31 July 1969, for Rolling Stone the magazine whose editorship he had headed two years earlier when he was barely 22 years old.

* When I saw Elvis on Ed Sullivan, I knew he was having more fun than any other human being up there, actually he was having cosmic fun, and I wanted to do it, too. I didn't want to be no rock star, when I was young I didn't even know what that was. I just wanted his job, whatever it was.
** [[w:Jim Dandy|Jim Dandy]], lead singer and frontman for the American Southern rock band Black Oak Arkansas, in an interview published on September 7, 2016 at TEAMROCK.COM

* It was just before Christmas 1962 and as I was driving from El Paso to the East Coast, I began forming the idea that would become this song; not very long afterwards my long-time friend Bob Johnston invited me to Nashville, and we finished this one together; Bob did a demo on it and when Elvis came to town, he picked it up and held it for almost a year in what was then called his portfolio; so, anyway, he recorded it and it was by far the biggest thing that had ever happened to me in my life.
** {{w|Charlie Daniels}}, explaining how the power ballad &quot;It hurts me&quot; came into being, and what it meant to him, as published in SONGFACTS.com

* I just loved Elvis. We had a couple of pictures together from 1969, so I put the first near the bar, at my club. But they kept stealing it, in fact it and the other, as well as numerous copies, disappeared twice a week for a period of thirty years. They had to be replaced hundreds of times. Anyways, one day, a cute girl walked up to me, and then asked me whether she could take a picture, so I got all excited and just as she got real next to me to have our picture taken, she just took the Elvis picture, left the club and said &quot;Thanks Rodney, you're as doll&quot;. What was also hilarious was when my wife discovered that Elvis had a handkerchief that was apparently stained with his sweat and it went for a lot of money. So I had a 'eureka' moment. I sweat more than anybody, so my sweat has to be as good as Elvis' sweat, right? So my wife went right to work, ordering hundreds of perfume-sample bottles and setting about farming my perspiration. She was the 'sweat collector, taking a sponge and spoon and collect my sweat -- about an inch at a time.. She thought we could water it down but I said, 'No, that wouldn't be right.' &quot; Ultimately, the MGM Grand Hotel &amp; Casino, where I performed a lot in my later years, put the brakes on the operation: &quot;They said, no, we couldn't offer that sweat. An insurance issue. I was crestfallen.&quot; My wife still keeps the cloudy fluid in a Tupperware container, which she'll transfer to a crystal decanter for special occasions. &quot;It means a lot to her, she knows how hard I worked to make people laugh.&quot;
** {{w|Rodney Dangerfield}}, from his autobiography Its not easy being me.

* Rock 'n' Roll was not my cup of tea, so you could understand why I was not crazy about Elvis Presley. Before I met him, one day driving along Sunset Blvd, I heard on the radio a singer, unknown to me, singing beautifully an English version of &quot;O Sole Mio&quot;. To my great surprise, the announcer said that the singer was Elvis. When we worked together in &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; we became very good friends and I found out what a wonderful person, gentleman, performer and dear friend he really was. I also had an opportunity to work with Elvis off camera. He asked me to help him with the Italian lyrics of &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; I did it with great pleasure and that confirmed what I already knew was another facet of his great talent. He learned the song in no time whatsoever and, as you well know, performed it beautifully. If I had a chance to talk to him. I would tell him how much I miss him.
** {{w|Cesare Danova}}, Italian American Actor, in a letter to Sue Weigerat, who invited him to appear as a guest in an event focusing on the life and death of Elvis Presley

* He always wore his affinity for Elvis Presley like a batch, covered &quot;Trouble&quot; on his eponymous band's Thrall-Demonsweatlive EP in 1993 and most recently, filmed a Danzig Legacy concert video that stylistically recalled Presley's '68 comeback special, playing in the round with guitarists from throughout his career and singing in front of his name lit up in red. Although he credits director Mark Brooks with the theme for the film, he said he loved the idea himself and is even in the midst of recording an LP of Elvis covers. &quot;Elvis is actually how I got into music, since I was a kid, I was cutting school pretending I was sick and I would lie at home watching old movies, and &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; came on and I was like, 'I want to do this. This is great.' And that's how I veered to music. But the thing that has connected all of his sessions is his desire to record new versions of Elvis songs for the upcoming Danzig Sings Elvis LP. &quot;I'm stripping some of the stuff down to the bare bones, very old-school Fifties echoey slap-back vocals,&quot; he says. Every time I go back into the studio to work on a new Danzig record, if we have time, I'm like, 'Let's do another Elvis song.' So I keep adding and we'll see what ends up on the record.&quot; Some of the songs he has recorded, he says, include &quot;Home Is Where the Heart Is&quot; and the Faron Young–composed &quot;Is It So Strange?&quot;It's a connection that has been a part of him for years. &quot;We have been stopping by Graceland and Elvis' grave since my days in [goth-punk group] Samhain,&quot; Danzig says. &quot;Just, you know, hanging out.&quot;
** [[w:Glenn Danzig|Glenn Danzig]] during a visit to Rolling Stone, recalling how Elvis Presley influenced him and how, coincidentally, he went on to write songs for Presley's one time Sun Records label-mates Johnny Cash (&quot;Thirteen&quot;) and Roy Orbison (&quot;Life Fades Away&quot;), as published in the magazine's online edition on July 1, 2015.

* Screw them all, you can't go on like this.
** [[w:Bobby Darin|Bobby Darin]]'s reaction when told by Elvis that he was having a horrible time with bad scripts, pills and diets, as told by his wife Sandra Dee in an interview published at wwwelvispresleymusiccomau.

* I loved Elvis and his music. My grandmother Mary had an Elvis jumpsuit custom made for me and I’d do Elvis tunes around the house. One day my dad came to pick me up from my mom’s for a visit. He said to me “I hear you’re an Elvis fan; you're a traitor like all the rest!” and he laughed. He said &quot;go put on your jumpsuit and let me see your moves!” Now it was one thing to do my Elvis act for my mom and grandmother but my dad was another story. I just froze and felt really uncomfortable. He said again &quot;show me some moves!” I knew he was joking and that it was all in good fun. Years later, I was supposed to meet Elvis with my dad at the Las Vegas Hilton in 1973. Sadly, that meeting never took place.  Sometime a year or so after my dad died my mom and grandmother took me to the Hilton to see Elvis live. I will never forget the excitement of seeing him walk onto that stage to the theme of “2001 A Space Odyssey.” The room was electric and quite honestly I've never experienced anything quite like it to this day. Elvis was a musical treasure/phenomenon and a kind and generous human being  Because my mom was so painfully shy, she didn’t let Elvis know we were in the audience and so,   again, I never got to meet him.  
** Dodd Darin, [[w:Bobby Darin|Bobby Darin]] and [[w:Sandra Dee|Sandra Dee]]'s son, on why he never met Elvis, as published in  wwwelvispresleymusiccomau.

* Elvis Presley was not just an enormous personality, but also a huge comic book fan. Reportedly, a fan of Captain Marvel Jr., he modeled his looks on him, including the hair with a spit curl, high collars, a short cape, and a lightning belt buckle. Notably, Elvis also appeared in DC comics.
** Shuvrajit Das Biswas, Editor of [[w:Newsbytes News Network|Newsbytes]], in an article entitled &quot;At ComicBytes, five celebrities crazy about comics&quot;, published on October 27, 2018

* Melding a range of disparate influences, along with his energetic jiving, to create a new musical form that still sways listeners -- and in its time, helped break race barriers in the US -- he became a best-selling and influential solo musician of his generation and a significant cultural icon. That explains Elvis Presley's depictions across all media, save literature, where his appearances rarely match his status.His fictional forays -- which span cosmic comedy, high fantasy, science fiction, horror and more, by authors from Douglas Adams to Sir Terry Pratchett (along with Neil Gaiman), from Stephen King to Rick Riordan and Robert Rankin to John Grisham -- see him appear in various guises and forms but rarely in the way we know him. And that is rather unfortunate, for his life has all the makings of a captivating story. From a humble background in the first two decades of his life, he rose to global fame which he retained in his remaining life -- despite his visible physical decline in the final years of his short but eventful life.He had good relations with his parents, was courteous to all, respected fellow singers and acknowledged many as better, and hated the title &quot;King of Rock 'n' Roll&quot;. His untimely death left many people shocked, and others suspicious. This is behind the most familiar Elvis trope -- &quot;Elvis Lives&quot;. It works on the supposition that Elvis is not dead, and that, either by conspiracy, alien abduction (and later return), or retirement, he is still among us.
** Vikas Datta in a [http://nripress.com/read-me-tender-the-king-of-rock-n-rolls-fictional-gigs-column-bookends/ survey of novels that feature Elvis] (March 25, 2018).

* Elvis was never short of any stage performance. There is still a lot to be learned there. It gives you an idea of how to work a stage. He drew people in, you know, defiantly. He had that look; he looked like a star. At any rate, I can't compare myself to Elvis, not even a little bit. People put you on a pedestal; it almost feels like you're being worshiped sometimes which is not normal for a human being to deal with, not even a little.&quot;
** [[w:Chris Daughtry|Chris Daughtry]],as published in www.graceland.com

* When I photographed him in 1960, right after he got back from the Army, I had direct access to him, rode with him in the train all the way from Fort Dix in New Jersey to Graceland. It was so interesting to see all the girls running by and screaming and crying at every stop. And I was right there with him, eating sandwiches and laughing. At that time, there was no wall between the photographer and the star. But then, after I finished that shoot, it was as if a kind of curtain came down. This was the start of publicists getting involved. You didn't have direct access to celebrities anymore.
** Henri Dauman, one of [[w:Life (magazine)|Life]] magazine's top photographers and the father of [[w:Philippe Dauman|Philippe Dauman]], discussing how stars and newsmen started to see the value of publicity,in an article published at the Hollywood Reporter on April 27, 2018.

* One night at about 1 in the morning I got a call for me to get the aircraft ready to fly from Memphis to Denver, a 2 and a half hour flight. Enroute, I asked one of the people in his staff, what was the reason we were flying there. He told me it was to get some peanut butter sandwiches. Right, I said. But when we landed, a limo pulled next to the plane, and a man got out with silver trays and there they were, peanut butter sandwiches for all of us. It was the best I have ever had...
** Elwood David, pilot for the [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] aircraft, recalling a 1976 trip to Denver, in a 1984 television documentary entitled Graceland.

* He loved all of the well-known performers, but the one that really brought him out of his shell was Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Ronald C. Davidson}}'s son, describing the musical taste of his namesake father, a pioneer of fusion power and Professor Emeritus of Astrophysical Sciences at Princeton University.

* i) While writing a song in 1977, I learnt that Elvis had died, which influenced its lyric. Staying in New York at the time, I looked out my window late at night, saw a single light on in one of the buildings, then imagined that light being the apartment of an ardent Elvis fan, which became the character Dan the Fan in the song. In fact, the line, &quot;The King is dead, rock is done,&quot; is a reference to Elvis. ii) In fact, Elvis turned up one night during our 1969 gig at the Whiskey a GoGo. He sat in the corner with his wife. I didn't know until after. I wouldn't have been able to cope...
** [[w:Ray Davies|Ray Davies]], leader of the Kinks, on the writing of ROCK 'N' ROLL FANTASY, which he called a &quot;Method acting songwriting job&quot;, as published in SONGFACTS.com and ii) in an interview with actor Mark Hamill and published on April 20, 2016

* i) I think Elvis took a huge chance in doing &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;. It was a big risk. ii) The first time I saw Elvis in person I knew he was special. Number one he was the prettiest man you ever saw in your life, he was really beyond handsome. There was something electric about him. Coming along when he did, moving the way he did, jumping around the way he did, plus the fact that every woman was totally mesmerized by him. Everything came to standstill when you saw Elvis. This was when he was 19 and again when he was 30. I saw him at both instances and there was the same reaction both times. You couldn't have wiped the smiles off their faces with a hand grenade. He knew what he could do and what he had and he played on it. He came along at a time in the Fifties, him and James Dean, it was the two of them. They were everything.
**[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]], i) in an interview to EIN, published on July 31, 2013. ii) idem, in 2006

* I have a respect for Elvis and my friendship. It ain't my business what he did in private. The only thing I want to know is, 'Was he my friend?', 'Did I enjoy him as a performer?', 'Did he give the world of entertainment something?' – and the answer is YES on all accounts. The other jazz just don't matter'. 'Early on somebody told me that Elvis was black. And I said 'No, he's white but he's down-home'. And that is what it's all about. Not being black or white it's being 'down-home' and which part of down-home you come from. On a 1 to 10, I would rate him an 11
** [[w:Sammy Davis Jr|Sammy Davis Jr]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html, published in the magazine's online edition on July 1,2015.

* After I'd seen through Christianity, I was still influenced by the elegance of the living world, what appeared to be intelligent design. And that was reinforced when I discovered that my great hero, Elvis Presley, had done a religious album, called Peace in the Valley. Elvis was kind of a minor God to me and my companions, so when I discovered that he was religious, it felt like a call from heaven. This is Elvis, personally calling me.
** [[w:Richard Dawkins|Richard Dawkins]], English author and scientist, on how his world was changed by Elvis Presley, as published on MPR news, on October 7, 2013.

* After a day on set we were talking about how youngsters have to save every penny to buy a car after their graduation. In the US, most youngsters were given a car, not so in the UK.I was 17, but soon after Elvis took me outside and told me to close my eyes, at that moment I knew he had a surprise waiting for me, but never in my wildest dreams could I have thought of a sports car. It was a white 1967 Ford Mustang convertible. Elvis handed me the keys and said 'It's yours.' I couldn't believe it, but I think if he was able to help somebody, he liked to do that.
** Annete Day, whose only acting role was as a rich heiress in MGM's 1967 &quot;Double Trouble&quot;, as told in an interview quoted for the Express's August 31, 2021 edition by Stefan Kiryazis.

* Many say that the his passing was akin to the assassination of President Kennedy, Martin Luther King or Robert Kennedy, in that they remember precisely where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. Like them, I, too, remember. I was on the air at WSRW, filling in for one of the guys on vacation and going to the AP teletype machine when I saw a bulletin in bold print, much as a national emergency bulletin would appear, announcing that earlier in the afternoon he had been found dead in Graceland. I also remember waiting to announce it to make certain it was real and not a hoax. Unfortunately, it wasn't....
** Herb Day, writing for {{w|The Times-Gazette}} on October 29, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;So you think you're Elvis?

* I say emotional because you don’t just drive a Corvette. It drives you—and not in a chauffeur kind of way, either. I’m talking about the nameplate and everything that it stands for. The impact it had on pop culture, car culture, and the entire American culture. I struggle to think of a car that has had more songs written about it, nor can I think of one that has shaped so many dreams. To say the Corvette is just a great car is like saying Elvis was just a great singer. They are far more than that. They are the original American Idols.
** James Deakin, automotive journalist and TV host at {{w||CNN Philippines}}, in an article entitled &quot;The Corvette, Like Elvis Presley, Is The Original American Idol&quot; and published at the {{w|Philippine Tatler}} on October 18, 2018

* We had a really brilliant Elvis double. And he certainly moved like him. They even did a little CG work on his face to make him a little more like him. [laughs] Originally, his song played much longer through the scene, but Director [[w:Denis Villeneuve|Denis Villeneuve]] said that when they were cutting it they just had little echoes of the song and it was much eerier because of that. Isn't that interesting?
** Cinematographer [[w:Roger Deakins|Roger Deakins]], answering the question of why the Elvis &quot;malfunctioning hologram&quot; scene worked so well in the 2017 movie &quot;Blade Runner 2049&quot;, as published in the LA Times on 20 November 2017

* That is really amazing
** [[w:James Dean|James Dean]]'s reaction after hearing a minute's worth of “That's alright Mama” being played by actress Steffi Sidney at a record player she had in her dressing room during the 1955 shoot of the Warner Brothers' production of &quot;Rebel without a cause&quot;, as noted by Quora.

*It just fired him up to be in front of people again. He had a charisma where he and the audience became one thing. Not just the little girls, but also women and everybody got caught up in it.
** Guitarist [[w:Mike Deasy|Mike Deasy]], telling Rolingstone what it felt to play guitar for Elvis in the 1968 NBC special, and in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* Although most of the other boys wore white tuxedos, Elvis chose a relatively conservative dark blue suit. Shyly, he pinned a pink carnation corsage on Regis' dress and as they entered the Continental Ballroom at the Peabody, the band was playing, and couples were already out on the dance floor. But Elvis steered her to a seat and offered her a Coke. &quot;I can't dance,&quot; Elvis apologized. She took it that he didn't dance because he was so religious and sweetly replied, &quot;That's all right.&quot; And so they sat out the entire night, talking and sipping on soda pop while watching the other couples. Finally, they all lined up for the grand march, stepping through a mammoth heart as their names were called and their picture was taken. A few weeks after the prom, Elvis dropped by Regis' house to see her and found that she and her family had simply vanished. Regis's mother, financially strapped, had decided to move the family to Florida to live with her relatives. Regis said she was &quot;embarrassed&quot; to tell Elvis how bad their financial situation was, so she never said goodbye. In the family's move to Florida, she lost her photo but Elvis always kept his, and a few years later Gladys gave a copy to a fan magazine. By then, Elvis was a sensation, with very specific dance moves all his own.
** Actor [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]], who was filming the prom scene on the set of &quot;Grease&quot; when Elvis died, recalling Elvis' own prom night with his date Regis Wilson in an article for Mental Floss entitled &quot;The Sad Story of Elvis Presley's Senior Prom and published on May 5, 2018
 
* Only I know if there was romance or not
**{{w|Macaria (actress)|Delia Beatriz de la Cruz Delgado}}, Mexican actress and producer better known as Macaria, who has kept the nature  of  her relationship with Elvis secret for almost 60 years, as published in the Goaspotlight's January 10, 2022 edition. 

* {{w|Al Pacino|Al Pacino}} was saying &quot;Hoffa's like the Beatles, you know – so famous, like Elvis Presley&quot;. Well, 'size'  was important for this (  40 year old) story, told in such a small, intimate way...
** {{w|Robert De Niro|Robert De Niro}}, telling Tom Nicholson why were  the Elvis and the Beatles non-scripted  references  inserted  in a scene  of  Netflix's 2019 production of &quot;The Irishman&quot;, about the  &quot;disappearance&quot; of {{w|Jimmy Hoffa|Jimmy Hoffa}}, and as published in Esquire's August 11, 2019 edition.

*  &quot;Happy Xmas&quot;b  by John Lennon  &quot;A Marshmallow World&quot; by Dean Martin and &quot;White Christmas&quot; by Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Inès de La Fressange|Inès de La Fressange}}, French model, fashion designer and perfumer as told to Vogue Paris, whose  unnamed interviewer asked her to name her three favourite Christmas songs and  as published on December 13, 2018,.

* i) My young black panther, he is a fine young man. He has the look of a Latin, dark and lithe, moves like a cat, is a good actor and I even like his singing. I would like him for a son ii) In 1960 Dolores del Río finally returned to Hollywood. She starred with Elvis Presley in &quot;Flaming Star&quot; directed by Don Siegel. Having been out of Hollywood for eighteen years at this point Presley nevertheless received her with a bouquet of flowers and said: &quot;Lady, I know exactly who you are. It's an honor to work with one of the biggest and most respected legends of Hollywood. As you will be my mother in the film, I want to ask permission for my ophthalmologist to make contact lenses that mimic the color of your eyes&quot;. Del Río immediately took maternal affection to the young Presley.
** i) From and ii) about legendary Mexican star of the stage and screen [[w:Dolores del Rio|Dolores del Rio]] and her instant affection for Elvis, as noted in her biography by Linda Hall, Beauty in Light and Shade, and published in 2013.

* But then there's Elvis. I love Elvis Presley, in a totally non-ironic way.
** {{w|Benicio del Toro}}, in an interview for Earnoize, in April of 2014.

* Well, I guess could use the extra income because I've waited a long time for my present Elvis Presley hit. The money from the juke boxes would help me and my family a lot. Why shouldn't I be paid? I wrote the lyrics for the song.
** {{w|Claude Demetrius}}, compaining about his not getting the royalties for the lyrics to Elvis' 1958 #1 hit &quot;Hard Headed Woman&quot;, which hit the top of the Billboard charts as Elvis was already in Ft. Hood, TX, and as as reporte by the New York Daily News on its December 1, 1958 edition, by which time Elvis was already serving in Germany.  

* Elvis Presley`s talent as a musical artist was double barrelled and more; his voice, on the one hand, was extraordinary for its quality, range and power, as well as being a unique stage performer with instinctive natural abilities in both areas; he was the master of a wide and diverse range of vocal stylings and ventriloquist effects, from the clear tenor of his C&amp;W heroes, to the vibrato of the Gospel singers he loved, his voice invariably possessing an aching sincerity and an indefinable quality of yearning virtually impossible to pigeonhole.
** From the U.S Department of the Interior`s paper on criteria for greatness as a vocalist, which, together with all aspects of his life and legacy, led to the inclusion of his home, Graceland, in the National Register of Historic Places, in 2006.

*  He was wearing black and looked like ten Greek Gods as he tore through &quot;Love me Tender, &quot;Don't be cruel, and &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;. He was sweating, in the flesh, alive, inhaling and exhaling. And there I was, breathing the same air, sitting with {{w|Robert Plant}} and {{w|Jimmy Page}}, completely and entirely beside myself. Some sideburned greased monkey appeared after the show, asking Jimmy if he would like to meet Elvis. He said &quot;No, thank you,&quot; and I never quite got over it....
**{{w|Pamela Des Barres}},  rock and roll groupie extraordinaire, actor, author and magazine writer, blaming her then  love interest Jimmy Page of [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]] for declining to meet Presley  after his  midnight  show at the International Hotel (now the {{w|Westgate, Las Vegas}}) on August 12, 1969, ostensibly in reference to the fact Page knew  she was a huge Elvis fan but because of his jealously-derived  decision,  never got to meet him (as noted in page 139 of her biography. &quot;I am with the band&quot;).

* Sam Phillips originally drafted Elvis to replace an absent ballad singer but, after pairing him with ambitious guitarist Scotty Moore and his upright bass-playing friend Bill Black, the music quickly veered in another direction entirely; the SUN Sessions began as an impromptu jam, the absence of drums being purely incidental given it was a small studio, but the light echo the producer used to compensate, inadvertently had an effect on Presley's own voice which was far more interesting; Elvis himself was a raw talent, but his singing prowess was immediately apparent, with a vocal range of roughly three octaves, perfect control and ability to jump between bass, baritone and tenor with the greatest of ease; over fifty years after the fact, we can see that what teenagers saw in him, was a genuinely brilliant vocalist that could just as easily convey a soft ballad, as it could a wild rock song; as a rule, the importance of an album is completely separate from its actual quality but, invariably, albums this influential are influential because they're genuinely great recordings, and &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot;, though not formally compiled until 1976, were certainly great, great classic recordings.
** Dave De Sylvia reviewing &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot;, and Elvis' vocal abilities, for SPUTNIK Music, on June 1, 2006

* The voice of Elvis Presley is perhaps the most contested acoustical phenomenon in modern culture. I can understand why some listeners may prefer the original versions (of R&amp;B artists) to Presley's covers, but it is more difficult to claim that these were immoral or unethical. In terms of vocal style and instrumental arrangement, Presley actually borrows relatively little, his appropriations (being) more straightforward, taking from the materials already protected by copyright: lyrics and melody. So, unless he can be criticized for not imitating an original R&amp;B artist's rendition, we have to reevaluate Elvis' transgressions.
** Joanna Demers, in her book “Musical appreciation, musical meaning and the Law”, published in 2007.

* Anyways, after his midnight show,I spent about fifteen minutes with him, in the hope to take him to bed, but there is a limit to what a woman can say to arouse a man, even for a French woman. I have yet to see, to this day, a more strikingly beautiful man..
** [[w:Catherine Deneuve|Catherine Deneuve]], in her 2005 autobiography recalling &quot;Close up and personal&quot; recalling the time she met Elvis on August 8, 1969.

* In terms of being a groundbreaker, Elvis is at the forefront, breaking ground before groundbreaking was invented. What comes before groundbreaking, anyway? Whatever it is, that's Elvis. Elvis's career took off with the torque equivalent to that of &quot;&quot;Space Shuttle Atlantis[, and rarely slowed. Elvis had entered the building with an uncompromising style that began with black pants within which his famous hips tortured everyone from young women to fathers. Summing it up, slicked back, jet-black hair in a subtle pompadour with modest sideburns, black button-down shirt tucked into black straight-leg jeans with pair of slender, 50s-style Gucci boots will forever be a cool look...
** Alicia Dennis, defining why Elvis was ranked #8 by Zimbio, in the all time list of the most influential people in the field of fashion in the 20th Century, as published in [[w:Livingly Media|Zimbio]]'s December 15, 2008 edition.

* Once the vaccine is available to the early majority, it is important to employ word-of-mouth “seeding” techniques. That means enlisting mega-influencers—celebrities, prominent clergy, and social leaders—and everyday people who serve as micro-influencers to endorse the vaccine and encourage people to seek it. In the 1950s, when polio was rampant, Elvis Presley extolled the benefits of his own widely publicized vaccination, generating buzz about the shot.
** US noted economist {{w|Rohit Deshpande}}, writing on the  COVID pandemia for  the {{w|Harvard Business School}} in an article entitled &quot;How Influencers, Celebrities, and FOMO Can Win Over Vaccine Skeptics&quot; and as published in the HBS journal's January 29, 2021 edition.

* A 262-year-old rare artifact stolen in 1952 from the Dearborn Historical Museum was returned Tuesday — just in time for the city's 90th birthday. The artifact, a powder horn on loan from the Detroit Historical Society which originally went missing just before the opening of an exhibit entitled &quot;Saga of a Settler.&quot;, was recovered by the FBI's Art Crime Division team in Philadelphia, from an auction in Pennsylvania. That Division, created in 2004, has recovered since more than 14,850 items valued at more than $165 million in art-related investigations worldwide, diving into cases such as the theft of Elvis Presley's memorabilia to pre-Colombian South American artifacts.
** The {{w|Detroit Free Press}}'s account of the extraordinary find, by the FBI, of a powder horn used both in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, and as published on their January 15, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley is ready to help pedestrians rock'n'roll across the street in the German town of Friedberg near Frankfurt. Three traffic lights featuring his image have been placed around the town's Elvis Presley Square to commemorate the singer. While people are waiting to cross, he appears in the red light striking a pose at a microphone. When the lights go green he is shown swinging his hips in a famous dance move. Transforming traffic lights has become something of a trend in Germany, with the most famous being the Ampelmännchen in East Berlin now installed throughout the united city followed by the Kasperl character in a pointed hat in the city of Ausberg, the Mainzelmännchen in Mainz, the Beethoven traffic lights in Bonn and even the Karl Marx figures in Trier.
** The [[w:Deutsche Welle|Deutsche Welle]]'s official announcement that the German Police authorities in Friedburg have now installed Elvis-themed traffic lights to commemorate his having been posted there for 8 months with the US Army, and as published on their December 6, 2018 online edition.

* David Karns and John Grabish, since a very early age, were influenced by three kings: Jesus Christ, Elvis Presley and King Coal. They grew up, as Elvis fans, in two small Schuylkill County towns shaped by King Coal and graduated from Nativity BVM Catholic High School in the 1960s. As priests at Catholic parishes in Berks, Lehigh and Schuylkill counties, they devoted their adult lives to preaching the word of Christ the King. But Father Grabish is a solo act now. Father Karns, who last served as pastor of St. Stephen's in Port Carbon, Schuylkill County, died a year ago of cancer at age 69. Not surprisingly, he left his collection of Elvis memorabilia to Father Grabish, pastor of St. Paul and St. Joseph parishes in Reading. On Nov. 10, 2018 from 7 to 11 p.m., Father Karns' Elvis collection and other 1950s and '60s memorabilia will be auctioned during a gala in the Inn at Reading, Wyomissing whose proceeds will go to the St. Paul and St. Joseph maintenance funds. In his homily at Father Karns' funeral at St. Ambrose Church on Oct. 12, 2017, Father Grabish recalled their visits to Normandy Beach on Memorial Day in 1994, the 50th anniversary of D-Day. and, of course, to Graceland, the Sun Studio and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Both priests had been celebrants in the annual Mass in observance of Elvis' death, which is held on Aug. 16 at St. Paul the Apostle Catholic Church in Memphis. Though his homily quoted the Book of Job and the Gospel of John, Grabish's most poignant tribute to his friend came as he quoted Elvis : &quot;Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine&quot;.
** Ron Devlin, writing for the [[w:Reading Eagle|Reading Eagle]] in an article entitled &quot;Elvis was part of tie that bound priests as friends for decades&quot;, as published on November 3, 2018

* When in 1955 Chuck Berry arrived in New York for the Alan Freed Big Rock and Roll Show, he checked into the Alvin Hotel and soon after, went over to Manhattan to meet Freed. It was from Freed that Berry heard some gossip about Elvis, but Barry told Freed that he was already aware of him. Not only had Elvis played St Louis, his hometown, but he had heard about him all over the South. The crossover popularity of Berry's music was further demonstrated when ̊&quot;Maybelline&quot; was covered by white jazz artists and established orchestra leaders looking to rock music for new material. Berry was surprised at the number of jazz and big band artists that liked his song. He had realized during those shows that his music and that of Elvis were in fact creating a new sound...
** Howard DeWitt, in his book, ElvisːThe Sun years.

* I started watching a lot of videos of Elvis Presley. The way he held the crowd in the palm of his hand. He also said in one of his interviews that the crowd is like sheep. They will go as directed. You have to actually own that moment so I imagined myself being Elvis Presley the next time he was on stage and it worked.
** [[w:Varun Dhawan|Varun Dhawan]], Indian actor, explaining to Zoom, how watching Elvis helped him to overcome stage fright, in an interview published on Mar 22, 2018 |

* I have never made no secret of my affinity for Elvis Presley. My favorite song is &quot;Suspicious Minds.I first got into Elvis after discovering a longtime associate provost, who was an avid Elvis collector, was retiring. So, one night I dressed up as Elvis and sang at her retirement party. Here's the interesting thing: I put on the Elvis outfit and parents flock to me and want to take a picture, but their kids didn't recognized me
** [[w:Todd Diacon|Todd Diacon]], President of Kent State University, in an article published at the www.wksu.org's July 1,2019 edition

* I went down to Vegas, had never met him, I was awed, amazing live performer, electric, and halfway through the show he introduced me and it was like, worshiping a God, and then that God says, hey stand up, take a bow, so I stood up and the audience started to cheer, and some telling me to get on the stage with him. Over the years, I thought of it, but I am glad I didn't, it wouldn't have been a good idea. He was warm, very generous to me and I think it was best left at that.
** [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] in an interview with Andrew Denton on &quot;Enough Rope&quot;

* That is going to be my Elvis dress, Catherine
** [[w:Diana Spencer|Diana Princess of Wales]], as told to her designer, Catherine Walker upon seeing her first sketches of the dress she had expressedly ordered in late 1989.

* Two uniquely American art forms spawned in the 20th century were comic books and rock n' roll. But before that, in the early 1940s, the Captain Marvel comics became so popular that he even outsold those of Superman for several years. So, the character's publisher decided to create a spin-off hero and one of the new Captain Marvel Jr. comics' most ardent fans was a young boy named Elvis Aaron Presley. So when did he exactly come across it? No one is sure but a copy of 1947's Captain Marvel Jr. #51 is placed on the desk in the recreation of his childhood room at Memphis' Lauderdale Courts housing complex. There are the other clues: Elvis' early haircut seems very much based on that of [[w:Captain Marvel Jr|Freddie Freeman]] from his late '40s period. Elvis' signature &quot;half capes&quot; worn on stage also seem very inspired by those worn by the teenage hero. And the insignia for Elvis' core rhythm section, the TCB band? It's a very Shazam-esque lightning logo. These all point to direct homages to the superhero he grew up loving the most. And in turn, ever since it was revealed how much Elvis loved Captain Marvel Jr., the comics themselves have returned that inspiration. In the 2000s era Teen Titans series, Captain Marvel Jr. was described as a big Elvis fan. Another famous homage took place in DC's seminal graphic novel Kingdom Come, where we get a glimpse of a future version of Captain Marvel, Jr., whom artist Alex Ross specifically designed to look just like '70s-era Elvis. He even named the character &quot;King Shazam,&quot; as a tribute to him. So, will [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] pay homage to Elvis in [[w:Shazam|Shazam]]ǃǃ, the movie? Unknown, but if it were to happen, it would sure be in keeping with tradition.
** Eric Diaz, for [[w:Nerdist Industries|Nerdist]], in an article entitled ̊&quot;How A SHAZAM! Character Inspired Elvis Presley&quot; as published in their 26 March 2019 edition.

* I was 11 when he died and that's when I saw King Creoleǃǃ What a guyǃǃ The moment I got to school I spent the whole day imitating him. It was like a rocking pneumonia.
** {{w|Gabino Diego}}, Spanish actor, as noted in an article entitled &quot;The movie that changed my life&quot; as published in Fotogramas's 27/06/2014 edition

* He arrived on the scene when the young needed a romantic image. He filled the bill and on top of that, he can sing.
** {{w|Marlene Dietrich}}, on page 27 of the 1999 book The Last Word.

* Tonight, I want to introduce the greatest entertainer of all time. Mr. Elvis Presley. He was Las Vegas and if it wasn't for him, so many performers like myself would not have the chance to do what we do in this town. He really was the king.”
** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]], in introduction to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGpl3mKrC5g a &quot;duet&quot; with recordings of Presley]

* That ran its course and rock ’n roll came round, Elvis Presley happened and that changed the whole thing. So that was the advent of proper rock ’n roll...
** [[w:Geordie (band)|Davey Ditchburn]],left handed guitar player and lead singer for several [[w:Glam rock|Glam Rock]] bands, explaining how he switched from skiffle to rock and roll in 1956, in an article entitled &quot;How guitar present led to a life of music&quot;, as published on the Shields Gazette 22 January 2017 edition.

* I feel like I'm not the only rapper here, Elvis was like a rapper, wore fancy clothes, he drove a Cadillac!!&quot;
** [[w:DJ Paul|DJ Paul]], youngest member of the Oscar winning rap group Three 6 Mafia, in accepting their inclusion as members of the first class of inductees to the Memphis Music Hall of Fame, as reported by the Jackson Free Press, on November 30, 2012.

* I fell in love with this song, mostly because of Elvis' superior voice, not really thinking about the true meaning behind the lyrics, but rather how the title relates to the music genre I play as DJ house music.
** Progressive Italian DJ Spankox, on his re-mix of Elvis' classic &quot;Baby Let’s Play House&quot;(1955), as published on an UPI wire relayed worldwide on the day of the song's release, June 3, 2008

* Oh God, help!!!!   it has to be exquisite 
** [[w:Doja Cat|Doja Cat]]'s reaction to her song &quot;Vegas&quot; being  chosen to lead the soundtrack of Baz Luhrmann's 2022 biopic. 

* I grаvitаted towаrd good old rock ‘n’ roll, аnd I still do to this dаy. Some of Elvis Presley’s songs  chаnged my life аnd helped ne  become the musiciаn I am  now. Thаt wаs the kind of stuff thаt mаde me wаnt to sing 
** [[w:Mickey Dolenz|Mickey Dolenz]], as noted in TechnoTrrnz' April 12, 2022 edition. 

* It was amazing when the assistant director knocks on the door of my dressing room trailer and he comes in, and right there, behind him in the doorway stands Elvis Presley. It was unbelievable. So Elvis gets into the trailer and he introduces himself first to my Mom, the gentleman that he was, and then he introduces himself to me and I'm telling you the man was totally gracious as can be and again that's pretty much the essence of Elvis, he was gracious, understated, humble genuine, he was a true gentleman from the old school,in fact so understated that he really listened to you. He was the genuine article. I tell you towards the end of the production, I had turned nine years old and they had a little surprise birthday for me on the set and Elvis was there. My nephew who was about the same age and was my stand was there also, so Elvis bought me gifts for my birthday and GAVE my nephew gifts too so that HE wouldn't feel left out. And I thought that was awesome...
** [[w:Larry Domasin|Larry Domasin]], US child actor who starred with Elvis in Fun In Acapulco, in an interview with the Elvis podcast in 2015.

* His was the one voice I wish to have had, of all those emanating from singers in the popular music field.
** [[w:Placido Domingo|Placido Domingo]], in an interview given to &quot;Hola&quot; magazine (Spanish version), as published in June of 1994.

* i) When I was playing at the Flamingo Hotel, in 1969, I went to his room and played for him. I remember him telling me, “You know, Fats, I’m opening up tomorrow but when I first came here I flopped!&quot; But when he got back there it was all gold and every night it was sold out. Boy, he could sing. He could sing spirituals, country and western, everything he sang I liked. Elvis Presley did a lot before he passed. He made movies, he was traveling, everything. I don't see how he did it; you'd have to stay up day and night. ii) Elvis came to see me before he got a record deal. I liked him. I liked to hear him sing. He was just starting out, almost. He wasn't dressing up. Matter of fact, he had plain boots on. He wasn't wearing all those fancy clothes. He told me he flopped the first time he came to Las Vegas. I loved his music. He could sing anything. And he was a nice fellow, shy. His face was so pretty, so soft. I'm glad we took this picture.
** [[w:Fats Domino|Fats Domino]], recalling his relationship with Elvis in an interview with Michael Hurtt for the magazine Backtalk and published on June 1,2004 ii) referring to the picture they had of each other, it was taken minutes after Elvis himself called Fats “the King of Rock ’n’ Roll.” in a 1969 press conference when he diverted the attention of members of the press from calling him &quot;King&quot; and directed attention to Fats, who was also at the press conference. Rewinding to 1956, it was a time when musicians borrowed from each other in creating this new sound, leading to a bridge over the nation's racial divide being constructed from the rockabilly crafted in Memphis by Bill, Scotty and Elvis.

* One day, I got a phone call and the guy said &quot;Hey look what Elvis Presley has done, he's covered your masterpiece&quot;. I was all shook up, first because I was his fan, and also because I would do covers of his songs, albeit in my terrible English. Years later, i went to Graceland and saw the RIAA Award for &quot;You don't have to say you love me&quot; and naturally, I again felt so honoured.
** [[w: Pino Donaggio|Pino Donaggio]], Italian singer-songwriter, in an interview with quelliche...ilcinema, dated 26 May 2016

* Some people I cannot even imagine with a beard. Elvis Presley comes to mind. I thought Elvis with a beard would be very strange, then I did an Internet search and by golly there they were, a plethora of young Elvis Presley images in photographs with beards and mustaches. How does a child of the sixties like me not remember Elvis with a beard? Shoot, somedays I can't remember what I ate for breakfast. or my last bowel movement. As usual when I speak of Elvis Presley's physical appearance I throw out a kind of disclaimer. Look, I am a flaming heterosexual male but that Elvis was one handsome dude..
** Lindon Dodd, columnist for Indiana's [[w:News and Tribune|News and Tribune]], in an article entitled &quot;The art of growing a beard&quot; as published on September 28, 2018.

* When they celebrated the 10th anniversary of his death, it was more like a canonization,people lining up to visit Graceland, both women and men, with tears in their eyes...
** [[w:Kirk Douglas|Kirk Douglas]],in page 79 of the book The last word, 1999.

* Elvis, what he had was this unique quality, remember I described the sensation of people in that geographic location of the United States at that particular time being a mixed culture artistically? They were playing country, gospel, jazz and the blues and you did not know whether they were black or white, or who's playing what, because you're not looking at a tube, all you're doing is listening to a radio, and they are so good at emulating each other's styles that you don't know what's happening. Elvis blotted up as close as any white man could, the black culture. And he was sensitive to the black culture. If he heard something that he fancied doing and it was white, he didn't make it sound black. If it was black, he didn't make it sound white. He kept it in its tradition. That was one of Elvis' unique facilities.
** [[w:Tom Dowd|Tom Dowd]], record producer for Atlentic, credited with being amongst those who shaped the very sound of popular music through his studio work with the likes of Ray Charles, Otis Redding, the Drifters, the Coasters, Ruth Brown and even Bobby Darin, whose cover of &quot;Mack the Knife&quot; he captured marvellously, as was the case with John Coltrane Thelonious Monk, and Charlie Parker compositions.

* What he actually did was take 'black' and 'white' music and transform them into this third thing; (in the final analysis), no one sang so many different kinds of music – rock, gospel, country, standards –, as well as Presley sang them, at such a high level, and for such a long time.
** Greg Drew, world famous voice coach whose clients include Lenny Kravits, Avril Lavigne, and Corey Glover, as quoted in Mike Brewster`s &quot;The Great Innovators: Birth of a Rock star&quot;, published by Business Week in its September 24, 2004 issue.

* Radio Head, Harry Styles, and Elvis Presley— that is the wide range of genres likely responsible for my sound and style of writing.
** [[w:Trevor Drury|Trevor Drury]], model and musician, in an interview with Backstrage, as published on November 8, 2017

* Is music fandom a realm of spiritual practice? Do fans use their connections with heroes to adopt practices like veneration, sanctification or idolatry? While appearing to be magical and important social figures, stars are not necessarily deified. In the two decades since I started researching Elvis fandom, I have never met anyone who was “saved” or redeemed by Elvis Presley. On the other hand, I have met many fans that have been seduced, fascinated, empowered and inspired by his music. They all say that he has changed their lives for the better, but none expect heavenly rewards because of their fandom. Elvis loved gospel and used it to enter the mainstream. Despite his own intentions, he did not, however, practice “worship” music. His fans respected his values, some saying  that Elvis used his music as a God-given gift, in part because the reading aligns Elvis’ values with his talents.......
** [[w:Fan studies|Mark Duffett]], in his article  &quot;Elvis’ Gospel Music: Between the Secular and the Spiritual? and as published on RELIGIONS' March 9, 2015 edition.

* I take offence at being accused of being Bono or Prince — I would have thought Elvis was more appropriate.
** Craig Duffy, Australian Gold Coast entrepreneur and such a huge Elvis Presley fan that his Ferrari number plate is a well-known Presley acronym TCB (Taking Care of Business), as published on the Gold Coast Bulletin on November 23, 2017

*In a survey taken in 1996, a sampling of Chinese people were asked to name three famous Westerners. They chose Jesus, Nixon and Elvis. The Chinese, the most closed society over the last half century knew about Elvis? Oh yes, they knew. In fact, that same year, a NYT reporter attending a Chinese US summit, spoke of the time when the Chinese leader {{w|Jiang Zemin}}, then visiting the Philippines, proceeded to do a duet, in perfect English, of &quot;Love me tender&quot; his partner being his host, President [[w:Fidel Ramos|Fidel Ramos]].
** King Duncan, in his 2001 book The Amazing Law of influence

* Elvis wore a halo. Otis Redding did, too. You knew you were playing with a star when you played with them.
** Bassman {{w||Donald &quot;Duck&quot; Dunn}}, as noted in brainyquote

* Kim Jong-il was obsessed with Elvis Presley, his mansion crammed with his idol's records and his collection of 20,000 Hollywood movies included Presley's titles. He even copied the King's Vegas-era look of giant shades, jumpsuits and bouffant hairstyle.
** {{w|Tom Newton Dunn}}, as published in Jong Il' obituary in the Sun, on 20 December 2011.

* Well, you might have known trouble was coming if you were here in 1957. That was the year Elvis Presley paid us a visit. I think we might have made him famous, too.&quot;
** [[w:Sam Durham|Sam Durham]], from &quot;A Ghost Tour of Jerome, America's Largest Ghost Town&quot; 1989, Creative Video Productions, Sedona AZ.

* i) When I first heard Elvis' voice, I just knew that I wasn't going to work for anybody; and nobody was going to be my boss. Hearing him for the first time was like busting out of jail.ii) Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegun didn't think much of my songs. He produced some great records, no question about it, like Ray Charles, Ray Brown, just to name a few. But Sam Phillips, he recorded Elvis and Jerry Lee, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash. Radical eyes that shook the very essence of humanity. Revolution in style and scope. Heavy shape and color. Radical to the bone. Songs that cut you to the bone. Renegades in all degrees, doing songs that would never decay, and still resound to this day. Oh, yeah, I'd rather have Sam Phillips' blessing any day. iii) You feel like an impostor, when someone says something you know you're not, like you're a prophet, or a saviour. Elvis, yes, I could easily want to become him. iv) I went over my whole life. I went over my whole childhood. I didn't talk to anyone for a week after Elvis died. If it wasn't for Elvis and Hank Williams, I couldn't be doing what I do today. v) When I first heard Elvis's voice I just knew that I wasn't going to work for anybody and nobody was going to be my boss. He is the deity supreme of rock and roll religion as it exists in today's form. Hearing him for the first time was like busting out of jail. I think for a long time that freedom to me was Elvis singing 'Blue Moon of Kentucky.' I thank God for Elvis. vi) I liked Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley recorded a song of mine. That's the one recording I treasure the most ... it was called &quot;Tomorrow Is a Long Time.&quot; I wrote it but never recorded it.
** 2016 Nobel Prize for Literature [[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]] i) speaking about those who influenced his life and music, as part of his acceptance speech after being named the 2015 MusiCares's Person of the Year and as delivered at the Gala organized by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences at the Los Angeles Convention Center on 6 February, 2015. iii) in response to a question from CBS correspondent Ed Bradley, who asked him how he saw himself in his early years, as told in a one hour special retrospective on his life, entitled &quot;Dylan looks back&quot; and broadcast in the December 5, 2004 edition of &quot;60 Minutes&quot; iv) as published in www.graceland.com v) US magazine, 24 August 1987 vi) Rolling Stone magazine interview November 29, 1969

== E ==
* I remember him working on the next stage, always with an entourage of about 15 guys. And I also recall that everybody was doing fast draw – that was the gimmick then. Who was the fastest gun? I was particularly good at it and I can remember taking on Elvis. He was a good guy. And we knew each other and, at that time, we both felt were on the brink of really going somewhere.
** {{w|Clint Eastwood}}, recalling his early friendship with Elvis, in an interview with Marty Palmer for the Mail, on Sunday 17 January 2011

* He's one of the three greatest of all-time along with Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Michael Eavis}}, founder and organiser of the annual {{w|Glastonbury Festival}}, in reference to [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]], whom he hosted at his festival in 1971, as told to his daughter {{w|Emily Eavis}}, and reported in an article published on October 2, 2018 at Radio X's online page.

* In 1971, at a hotel,  he treated me like a peer, just a great guy. So cool, great manners. I had seen him first in Phoenix in 1956,  and we sat at the Grand Stand at the Fairgrounds, so  girls are climbing on top of the fence. And then a car enters through the race track, stops, girls are gouing crazy, Then nothing, until the door pops open and he gets out and on to the stage,  starts singing,  man that was exciting., What a  great way to come in a show. I  was country, but seeing this, I turned into rock, because Elvis was the one who defined and made it huge.
** Guitarrist [[w:Duane Eddy|Duane Eddy]] in a youtube video entitled Hangin' with Elvis. How Duane Eddy turned from COUNTRY to ROCK N' ROLL

* He was a lovely, lovely human being, gentle, kind, and I loved his music.
** [[w:Barbara Eden|Barbara Eden]], one of Elvis' co-stars in ̊&quot;Flaming Star&quot;, as published in Starsat60's March 21, 2019 edition.

* A musician who also felt the power of Presley's Madison Square Garden shows was [[w:Paul Stanley|Paul Stanley]], the rhythm guitarist and primary lead vocalist of the rock band Kiss who, as a struggling musician and part-time cab driver at night took numerous customers to, and from the Garden during the three days of Presley's NYC engagement. Hearing about and feeling the excitement directly from those who shared his numerous rides made him think very seriously about his future career, promising himself to one day fill the Garden, something which he accomplished with his band in early February 1977, some 5 months before Presley's death.
** [[w:Bruce Eder|Bruce Eder]], as noted in Wikipedia's page on the 1972 album Elvis as recorded at Madison Square Garde

* I was talking with Elvis' manager, and he said, ‘Come on up to my room, and you can meet him.’ I've had people up to my room when I've been on the road who have turned out to be boors, and I didn't want to do that to him. So I said, ‘No, but thank you.’ I figured since we also had the same promoter that I'd be bound to run into him — but then, of course, he died three or four months later so I never did get to meet him.
** [[w:Graeme Edge|Graeme Edge]], drummer for the [[w: The Moody Blues|Moody Blues]], in an interview published on Palm Springs Live on May 30, 2017

* He could sing good. Good singer. Am enormous talent, he had an ability to stri people{s 
** Delta Blues singer and guitarist {{w|David &quot;Honeyboy&quot; Edwards}}, a friend and contemporary of bluesman extraordinaire Robert Johnson, speaking about the white boy that came out of Mississippi and went on to become famous, at a concert the Hale House, in Matunuck, RI on Oct 7, 2010.

* He was a very happy,  joyous kid, great to be around. He had an ability to stir people's souls, an enormous talent. Needless for me to say that he was very dear to my heart
** [[w:Richard Egan (actor)|Richard Egan]] in an interview published by you tube, explaining how different Elvis  was  to what was normally written about him.

* The myth makes it bigger but when you go in there, you know where you are. I've been in many places bigger than that and it ain't the same&quot;
** Photographer {{w|William Eggleston}}, telling Richard Harrington of the Washington Post on December 10, 1983 how he felt about Graceland after photographing it in 1982, as part of the publication of a paperback entitled “Elvis at Graceland”, the visual images of which having been comnmissioned to him, on the recommendation of Andy Warhol, by the Elvis Presley Estate. On April 7, 2021, almost 4 decades after that assignment, a set made up of just 11 of those prints was auctioned at Phillips in New York, hammering at US$226,000

* I ask him what it's like to know that he's now part of a franchise that will outlive him. It's an impossible question for him to answer, and when he does it, he endears himself to me forever by quoting [[w:Lester Bangs|Lester Bangs]]’s 1977 obituary for Elvis Presley, which doubled as a eulogy for the community bred by shared reverence. “At the end of it, Bangs is like, ‘We’re not gonna ever have this again, so instead of saying goodbye to Elvis, I’ll say goodbye to you,’ ”
** About {{w|Alden Ehrenreich}}, lead actor in &quot;Solo: A Star Wars Story&quot;, which focuses on the character's early years, in an interview for Esquire's April 24, 2018 edition.

* I can remember sitting in front of my television set at age 25 and watching the Elvis special. I already knew that I could never do what he did as an artist, but seeing that show had a great deal to do with my dreams of having a career in television production.
**{{w|Kenneth Ehrlich}}, television producer for the 2019 NBC special honouring the 50th anniversary of the 1968 Elvis special, in an article published by Variety on December 3, 2018.
 
* When I was seven years old, I saw Elvis Presley on TV. That hit me as to why I wanted to play music. Through a succession of different instruments, I ended up with the guitar.Then when I was 24, I heard my first mandolin player, Jethro Burns, at a bluegrass festival in Indiana. Those two and Bill Monroe, of course, were my main, early influences.
**[[w:List of bluegrass bands|Eight of January]]'s Bob Knysz, lead singer and mandolin player, recalling his influences for the Marietta Daily Journal' s January 2, 2019 edition, in an article entitled &quot;The Boys of Bluegrass: Georgia band gets set to pull some strings&quot;

* My girlfriends and I are writing all the way from Montana. We think it's bad enough to send Elvis Presley to the army, but if you cut his sideburns off, we will just die. You don't know how we feel about him, I really don't see why you have to send him in the Army at all, but we beg you please please don't give him a G.I. hair cut, oh please please don't! If you do, we will just about die!
** Letter, one of thousands, sent to US Pres. {{w|Dwight Eisenhower}} after Elvis was drafted and signed by then 8th graders Linda Kelly, Sherry Bane and Micky Mattson. Original now at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington DC

* Some of the mossbacks of our city, who haven't had a youthful thought since the Civil War, say that rock and roll music is the theme song of juvenile delinquency and that Elvis Presley is making ‘dead end kids’ out of the whole generation. Nothing could be more idiotic. It is supposed to be perfectly all right for every bald-headed man in American to drool as Marilyn Monroe goes slithering across the pages of our time on the arm of husband number three. But the very moment that youth dance and Elvis shakes his left leg a bit, it's supposed to be juvenile delinquency of the worst sort.
** Reverend James H. Elder of Mullins' Methodist Church in Memphis, in an interview with the Toronto Star on July 7, 1956.

* Rock n' roll won't last. Labels don't make money on long play albums. No single artist is worth $35,000. That's what the majority believed when Elvis Presley signed on RCA's dotted line and released his debut self-titled album in March of 1956. The bulk of RCA ’s rock n’ roll gamble was recorded in Nashville and augmented with a few previously unreleased SUN selections to round out the platter. I could argue that the chemistry between Elvis, guitarist Scotty Moore, and bassist Bill Black was put through the washin' machine once the Blue Moon Boys went to RCA– but I'd probably lose the debate. Even for hardcore rockabilly enthusiasts who consider SUN the alpha and omega, it's hard to fault the version of “Money Honey” or lambast the album's cover of Ray Charles' iconic (if misogynistic) “I Got A Woman”. The crown jewel of the album is the lead track, “Blue Suede Shoes”. In fact, Elvis Presley became the first rock n' roll album to sell a million copies, shattering industry notions, establishing Elvis as the genre's first megastar, and for good or ill, changed popular music forever after.
** [[w:The 11th Hour (newspaper)| The 11th Hour]]'s laud of Elvis first album, released in 1956, as published on their ̊̊&quot;Do This&quot; column dated January 21, 2019.

* Now tell me all about Elvis Presley? Will he come to England?'&quot;
** [[w:Queen Elizabeth II|Queen Elizabeth II]]'s question to UK actress Suzzanna Leigh, whom she knew had recently co-starred with Elvis, who in turn she admired tremendously, as Her Majesty greeted guests on the line-up to the Royal Film Variety Performance Gala in 1966. Almost thirty years after Elvis died, she confided to UK TV and radio personality Terry Wogan her favourite Presley song was the laughing version of &quot;Are you lonesome Tonight&quot;, as told in an interview held at the HQ of the BBC's Broadcasting House on April 20, 2006.

* And here this entity was standing in the doorway, this black suit on, and there was absolutely a dead silence in the room, just like somebody had sucked all of the air out of it. And he came in and stood behind a chair, and Dad got up and walked around and shook hands with him, and he sat down at the end of the table. And then the sergeant-at-arms from the legislature, they were meeting in a joint session, which meant that the Senate and the House of Representatives all came together there. And the galleries were filled with people screaming. And when the sergeant-of-arms came down and said it was time for Dad and Elvis to go on upstairs to the legislature, that was when Elvis came up and sat down next to me, the sergeant-of-arms said, 'Okay, time to go,' Elvis says, 'You're going, aren't you?' And I said, 'No, I'm not gonna be a part of this'. And he says, 'Yeah, I need for you to go'. And I said, 'I don't think I'm supposed to go. There's not seats arranged up there for me, and seats were a premium, believe me'. And he said, 'Yeah, you've got to go'. He grabs my hand, and Dad gives the nod, it's okay, go ahead, you know. And here we go, out through the crowd, down the hallway, up the steps, and then into the opening, and the Speaker of the House, Mr. James Bomar announced that Elvis Presley would be presented to the House of Representatives. At first I was somewhat nervous around him. I mean the persona was so immense, you know. And then it didn't take long though, when he became comfortable with you, that all of that just dissipated. And it was just like you had known him forever...
** Ann Ellington, daughter of Tennessee Gov. [[w:Buford Ellington|Buford Ellington]], describing her delight after being asked by Elvis to accompany him during his address at the TN State Legislature on March 8, 1961.

* Having those voices surround me as I sang was the most indescribable feeling I had ever experienced. Now I understand why this means so much to you.
** [[w:Cass Elliot|Cass Elliot]], of the Mamas and the Papas, after having asked Elvis why did he sing Gospel music, over and over after his shows, and Elvis challenging her to do so herself, with the backing of his gospel quartet, which they did.

* In January 1971, I was attending a conference on the 10 Outstanding Young Men of America, which that year was held in Memphis, Tennessee. Elvis Presley was one of the ten being honored and then-congressman George H.W. Bush was the guest speaker. At the end of the program, Bush ran up to Presley and shook his hand. I was able to photograph the encounter. So years later I said, &quot;Oh my gosh. I was right up there on Elvis but I didn’t realize how important Bush was going to be. I met Presley later at the conference and hoped to get a photo with him, but I got his autograph instead. The truth is I wimped at the last moment when I met him that night in the receiving line...
** Gordon Elliot, who took the photograph of {{w|George H. W. Bush}} with Elvis, on the day the future US President was the guest speaker who read the citation naming Elvis one of America's 10 outstanding young men, as published by the Springsfield Newsleader on the day the former President was laid to rest, December 5, 2018

* I was fourteen when I met him and took photos of him. One morning, I persuaded my mother to drive before daylight to where I believed Elvis was filming on location. A pink Cadillac with Tennessee plates, parked outside of an unassuming house told me my hunch was right. Elvis suddenly strolled out and up to me and began nonchalantly chatting. He had an amazing aura as he almost seemed to float, not walk towards me. I then told him about how neighborhood kids had made fun of my adulation for him. The blood rushed to my head and I could feel myself blushing as my mother blurted out to Elvis, &quot;Oh, you have no idea how many days he would come home from school having been in fights to defend you!&quot; &quot;I'll teach you something to take care of that,&quot; Elvis grinned.&quot;Karate?&quot; I asked.&quot;Yeah.&quot;Well, I had no idea what karate really was. I only knew the term because I had read so much about Elvis' fascination with the sport. I had some idea that it had to do with judo. He never mentioned the offer when I saw him over the next month or so. As we sat around and chatted Elvis' moods seemed to roller coaster regularly. Oh, he was always friendly, always sweet but you could see lonely wash up regularly. All these years later, I am still starry-eyed as I fondly remember the softly spoken and seemingly shy Elvis behaving like a comforting big brother.
** Ronny Elliot, country singer/songwriter and Tampa native, recalling the time he spent a few days with Elvis during the filming of {{w|Follow that dream}}, as noted in WMNF̪s 10 January 2019 edition.

* As a teenager in England, the first record I ever owned was a 78rpm copy of Elvis' Tutti Frutti/Blue Suede Shoes. I became a huge fan and was always first in line at my local record store to buy his new singles. To me he was the absolute epitome of a star. He never toured in the UK, so in 1969, when I was on the road with Jethro Tull, we made the pilgrimage from Los Angeles to Las Vegas to see his performance at the International Hotel. That evening stands out as a milestone event in my life.
**[[w:Terry Ellis (record producer)|Terry Ellis]], English record producer and co-founder of music publishing company Chrysalis Music, in his company's Facebook page.

* To quote Elvis Presley my favorite artist, &quot;Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.&quot;
**{{w|Christina El Moussa}}, US real estate investor and TV personality, in reference to her boyfriend, UK TV personality [[w:Ant Anstead|Ant Anstead]], as reported by Today, on October 29, 2018.

* After his midnight show on August 24, 1974, tired of the racist implications inherent in the white angels mounted on the huge walls of the Hilton Showroom, Elvis used a ladder and with the help of {{w|Jerry Schilling}}, proceeded to paint them all black, save for one, who he said represented Jerry, then in a serious relationship with one of his backing singers, Myrna Smith of the African American group the {{w|Sweet Inspirations}}. He then also painted one of the decorative eighteenth century, court-of-Louis-XIV ladies also hanging on the showroom wall black, to represent Myrna. On the next day and in nearly all of the succeeding shows, he jokingly compared himself to [[w:Michelangelo|Michelangelo]], painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The Hilton management, which had nothing to do with the placing of the angels and or the ladies, this being done by the art designers hired by the previous management under [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]], could only listen...
** Elvis Presley Pedia, published on August 24, 2004.

* For Mrs. Clinton to suggest I was telling Barbara Bush personal stories about the Clintons is extreme paranoia. First, I would never ever do such a thing, and second, anyone who knows Barbara Bush knows she would never tolerate or listen to such nonsense. What was interesting was Bill Clinton's allergies to Christmas trees, George H.W. Bush calling himself “Mr. Smooth,&quot; and the large collection of Elvis Presley CDs stored in the East Wing.
** [[w:Christopher Emery|Christopher Emery]], Chief Enterprise Architect for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission and a former White House Usher, as told in his book &quot;White House Usher: Stories from the Inside&quot;

* I'll tell you one thing. One respect I do have for that guy was that, well, obviously he was a great artist. When I was trying to learn &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; for the &quot;Without me&quot; video, I was like &quot;Man, this guy could dance!!&quot;
**[[w:Eminem|Eminem]], in an interview for the Detroit Metro Times, and published on May 13, 2009.

* The first time I laid eyes on him was a couple of years before I met and worked with him. He got out of a white Cadillac, on his way to the theatre he had rented on Memphis, he was on the sidewalk and I was at a distance of three feet from him, and I kept walking and remember thinking that I had never seen a better looking person in my life, like if he wasn't real. He was cute...
** [[w:Bobby Emmons|Bobby Emmons]] keyboard player and member of the American studio staff who produced the Memphis Sessions in 1969, in an interview for YouTube.

*  So his mother Julia took him to services at the St. John Chrysostom Byzantine Catholic Church in Pittsburgh every weekend, several masses back-to-back on Sunday. I filmed in that church where you see the iconostasis that includes several images of saints with gold leaf paint, in very static poses with a gesture. Those look very similar to Andy’s portraits of Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor, and even “Triple Elvis.” Many art historians believe that Andy internalized and absorbed the formal look of those icons and also the almost-glamor that they projected within his world growing up....
** Joshua Encinias of the {{w|Brooklyn Magazine}},   talking  about how Andy Warhol’s Catholic Byzantine faith influenced the iconography of his portraits, as published in their March 10, 2022 online edition 

* When it was announced in early 1958 that Presley had been drafted and would enter the U.S. Army, there was that rarest of all pop culture events, a moment of true grief. More important, he served as the great cultural catalyst of his period, projecting a mixed vision of humility and self-confidence, of intense commitment and comic disbelief in his ability to inspire frenzy. He inspired literally thousands of musicians—initially those more or less like-minded Southerners, from Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins on down, who were the first generation of rockabillies, and, later, people who had far different combinations of musical and cultural influences and ambitions. From John Lennon to Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan to Prince, it was impossible to think of a rock star of any importance who did not owe an explicit debt to Presley.
** {{w|Encyclopædia Britannica}}'s laud on the influence of Elvis Presley (2018 online edition).

* He personified a new form of American popular music in the mid-1950s. Rock and roll was a guitar-based sound with a strong (if loose) beat that drew equally on African American and white traditions from the southern United States, on blues, church music, and country music. Presley’s rapid rise to national stardom revealed the new cultural and economic power of both teenagers and teen-aimed media—records, radio, television, and motion pictures.
** {{w|Encyclopædia Britannica}}'s reference to Elvis as one of the crucial performers in the rock idiom.

* On the sunny side, there was that moment, during Pres. Trump's 2019 State of the Union address, when the place erupted with a gusty/lusty HAPPY BIRTHDAY. This was to honor a man in the audience Trump saluted for valor in surviving first the Holocaust and then the Pittsburgh “Tree of Life” massacre – and now his 81st birthday. There was nearly breakdancing and moonwalking in the balconies of Congress. Decorum be damned. We are Americans. Freedom is our bequest. Frivolity is our nature. I saw the same gusto at the Navy base in Haifa; also for an impromptu birthday. They are Israelis. Their love of life and country runs so deep they can't sit still and prefer to party, as it was that day in America. For where else but in America and Israel would a solemn occasion turn spontaneously to rock and roll? Try that in the parliaments of other countries while the leader speaks, and see who comes out alive. Instead, we insist on joy. We celebrate our freedoms through acts of whimsy. Long ago we traded in their Richard Wagner for our Elvis Presley.
** Writer [[w:Indecent Proposal|Jack Engelhard]], in an article entitled &quot;Dear Dems – bitterness is no way to run a country&quot; and published on the Israel National News February 8, 2019 edition

* I do not think they should meet Elvis through the efforts of any newspaper representative. In my view, the meeting can only be arranged as entirely private and unpublished. It is absolutely inadvisable to allow any pressman or photographer to interview, or take pictures whilst they are in his house.
** Beatles manager [[w:Brian Epstein|Brian Epstein]]'s scrawled notes to the Beatles' road manager Mal Evans on how to organize the meeting between them at Elvis' rented house at 625 Perugia way, Bel Air, CA, an event he attended  and which took place on August 27, 1965, exactly a year before his untimely death. A transcript of the note can be read on &quot;LA Observed&quot;'s August 24, 2015 edition in an article by Ivor Davis, the Beatles' tour reporter.

* The idea of Elvis Presley cherishing the Book of Mormon had captured the popular imagination of Latter-day Saints. The story of this book has been told by fireside speakers, classroom teachers, newspaper columnists, and an independent filmmaker. And the story continues to circulate throughout the market for “uplifting” books and social media. However, after carefully analyzing the historical opportunities for Presley to have read this volume and the handwriting throughout its pages, I affirm that Elvis Presley did not write in this Book of Mormon. A detailed presentation of the analysis with photographic evidence will be published in a forthcoming issue of BYU Studies, but my findings about the book's history, its forged signature, and its forged annotations are as of this moment, final
** Keith A. Erekson, Director of the {{w|Church History Library}} in an article published on the deseret News on November 14, 2018.

* The so called “self-lecture” series meets during one day of the month, allowing anyone to give a lecture in one of our halls on any topic to do with culture — ranging from [[w:Peter the Great|Peter the Great]]'s insistence on exhibiting fleas at the oldest museum in Russia,the [[w:Kunstkamera|Kunstkamera]] all the way to arguing about the finer points of Elvis Presley's music. This is a chance not just for the audience-attendance being always free-to-learn something new and interesting but also for the orator to practice public speaking and get even more immersed in a topic of interest.
** The Erarta Museum in Saint Petersburg's explanation of one of their most effective education projects.

* Yes, life has taught me not to leave anything for tomorrow. I've made a list, some are personal, intimate, others are places I have to visit before I die, like going to Japan, which I did two weeks ago. And, it all actually started when I was at the intensive care unit, and all I kept thinking was that I wasn't going to make it to see Elvis' house.
** [[w:Mikel Erentxun|Mikel Erentxun]] Spanish/French songwriter and singer, after successfully undergoing bypass heart surgery and as published in the Spanish daily &quot;La Razon&quot; on 18 March, 2015 in an article entitled &quot; I thought I would die without seeing Elvis' house&quot;

* In keeping with the spirit of the week, Senator Ernst introduced the &quot;Cost Openness and Spending Transparency Act (COST Act) after a report released this week from the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office (GAO) identified several government projects which did not follow the guidelines, incluiding a $90,000 NIH study focused on a sour cream and onion flavored potato chip resembling Elvis Presley.
** About Iowa Senator [[w:Mikel Erentxun|Mikel Erentxun]]'s 2019 new legislation which requires every project supported with federal funds to include a price tag with its cost that is transparent and easily available for taxpayers,as reported by the KIOW station's March 19,2019 online edition.

* I would occasionally miss the bus that took me from my post back to my living quarters. When that happened, a fellow soldier in my battalion, the most celebrated soldier in the Army, Elvis Presley, who lived a few doors away would offer me a ride. And despite all the hoopla surrounding his military service, he remained remarkably humble and grounded. I'd first met him at Fort Hood in Texas and saw each other every day while we finished training in a M48 tank battalion. After six months, our company was then shipped off to Germany. There Elvis lived a few doors from me. In fact, throngs of German girls camped out in front of his residence. If he revealed in all the attention, he didn’t show it, was kind of on the shy side and wasn’t one to shout out, ‘I’m Elvis Presley the superstar.’ He just kind of kept to himself. But keeping to himself also didn't mean he was aloof. Out in the field, he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty and never shied away from the work that was expected of him, and the rest of the tank company. After our two-year enlistment ended we parted ways and wouldn't see each other again until 1972, a short time before he was to play a concert at the old Chicago Stadium. I knew a Chicago police watch commander who was working security that night and although the police tried to stop us, my wife and I, from getting backstage at first, Elvis saw them and talked with them for a few minutes. It was the last time we would see or talk to him.
** Bob Errant, who served in Elvis' Army tank battalion in Germany

* In 1982, we went to Washington DC, and did the tour of the FBI Building, visited Pres. Kennedy's grave at Arlington Memorial and had our pictures taken outside the White House. From there we went to Graceland. Pablo loved Elvis. While we were there he bought his entire record collection. From that moment on, he played his tapes all the time, even danced like him. In 1991, when we first surrendered to the Colombian Army authorities, that collection was one of the few things he took to prison with him. When we escaped from prison a year later, we could not take it with us even if we had wanted to. The reason? It had been just stolen by a jail mate, something Pablo deeply regretted...
**Roberto de Jesús Escobar Gaviria, older brother of Colombian drug lord and narcoterrorist [[w:Pablo Escobar|Pablo Escobar]], in his book &quot;The Accountant's Story: Inside the Violent World of the Medellín Cartel&quot;

* i) And as a human being? As long as I live, I know I will never see anyone have such a profound effect on people. He could make anyone feel like he was the most important person in the world just by talking with him. He had charisma and charm that is just indescribable and he didn't even have to sing. When Elvis entered a room, you could feel the energy of his presence tingle at your nerves because the power of his magnetism was that intense and Elvis was just as perplexed by this phenomenon as you or I. He was a humble man but keenly aware of his unique gifts and spent most of his life searching the spirituality, over and over throughout his life asking himself, Why me? Since his death I have asked myself the same question, “why me?” and why, of all the people Elvis met in the service, did he pay special attention to me? In fact, why was I even in the Army? Did destiny lead me into the Army for the sole purpose of meeting Elvis Presley? Why was I selected to become “right hand man to the most celebrated entertainer in history, and to be chosen by Elvis Presley as a best man at his wedding? ii) When you worked for Elvis it wasn’t eight hours a day or 10 hours a day. It was 24 hours a day, seven days a week, because we did everything together. went on vacations together, traveled together. Everything we ever did we all did it together.
** Joe Esposito, right hand man to Elvis since their return from the Army, in 1960, until Elvis' death in 1977 ii) New York Times obituary, November 27, 2916.

* &quot;I was in Washington studying music and wanted to meet the perfect boyfriend, get married, etc. But for some reason I also wanted to visit a convent in Nashville but had no money to finance the trip, so a friend who was going to Graceland to pay her respects offered me a ride and, as a result and thank God for Elvis, I became a nun!!
** Sister Rose Mary Esseff, of the {{w|Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia}}, as published in elmundocatlicos- 13 February 2012 edition.

* Alemayehu Eshete is one of the most popular singers to emerge from the golden age of music in the capital Addis Ababa. His “rock n roll funk” stylings and Elvis manner of dress and way of acting has given him “dint of rampant Americanism,” as well as the nickname of The Ethiopian Elvis,
** About Ethiopian Jazz musician [[w:Alemayehu Eshete|Alemayehu Eshete]], as noted by his producer Francis Falceto, in an article entitled &quot;Alemayehu Eshete says he is not retiring&quot; and as published on the Ethiopian Observer's December 2, 2018 edition.

* Well, Jesus and I are Capricorns, and Elvis Preslewas born on the same day as me. I read an article the other day about only children and about they being more successful because they never have to compete for love,
**[[w:Bob Eubanks|Bob Eubanks]], disc jockey, television personality and game show host also known for bringing and producing the Beatles' two tours of California, replying to a question on what was the best and worst thing about being an only child...and a Capricorn, as published on the USA Today's Ventura County Star on August 7, 2018.

* By virtue of Elvis Presley being Mississippi's most beloved son.
** Katie Eubanks of the Clarion-Ledger, explaining why The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts in Richmond lent one of the only two known copies of Andy Warhol's &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; for a show at the Mississippi Museum of Art entitled “Picturing Mississippi.”, which in turn heralds the state 's bicentennial. The other known copy was sold at Christie's in NYC in November of 2014, to the San Francisco MOMA, for US$82 million. (The Ledger, December 1, 2017)

* It had been expected for a half a million dollars to be raised from the music festival which included appearances by Elvis Presley, B.B. King, Mahalia Jackson, the Staple Singers, the Dells and others, including the Rolling Stones. With the money raised, plans had been made to use part of it for some work to be done on the Robert F. Kennedy Park and Playground in Fayette. More than 47 years later, the then Mayor Charles Evers finally revealed that Presley, who along with the Stones did not participate in the festival, had wanted to come and perform there, especially because of his being a huge follower of B.B. King. Evers said he and his brother, Medgar, fought for change because they knew Mississippi would be the greatest state in the nation if that change took place. With the nomination of Evelyn Gandy, James Hardy, Aaron Henry, Ida B. Wells and Elvis he now believes Mississippi is one of the greatest states to live in...
** About civil rights activist {{w|Charles Evers}}'s decision to tell the press about a secret report written in 1969 by the segregationist Mississippi State Sovereignty Commission which had Elvis Presley helping the integrationist cause, the latter after Presley's nomination for the Mississippi Hall of Fame, as detailed in an article entitled &quot;47 years after spy report, Mississippi welcomes Elvis into Hall&quot;, published on the Clarion Ledger on December 12, 2016.

* I guess I should have set a price before I set foot in the boat, but I felt pretty ritzy later that day as we stepped into our gondola. &quot;How much to sing &quot;O Sole Mio?&quot; I asked. I had been taken with the song and Venice since seeing it in movies. If there was one piece of music associated with Venice and its canals, it was this. I knew that Pavarotti had recorded it. So had Caruso. And Mario Lanza. And Elvis Presley, recently released from the Army, had a version written for him called &quot;It's Now Or Never.&quot; Without missing a beat the gondolieri told me, &quot;Sixty dollars, U.S.&quot; He put his oar in the water and we splashed off. He was a pretty good singer, actually, and I imagined that we were in an old MGM Technicolor musical. My wife Roz was smiling and I was thinking, Yeah, this is a magical moment.I thought about imagining this moment from the time I was growing up in Brooklyn, and that I probably never would have wanted anything better. When we had gotten married all those years before, taking a gondola on a Venice canal, listening to &quot;O Sole Mio&quot; and &quot;It's now or never&quot;, it wasn't something I even dared consider. It would have been a fantasy. Now, I was living that fantasy as we held hands and he wound up with a full-throated last note.When the sail ended, I peeled off three twenty-dollar bills, and thanked him. We walked away, humming.
** Gerald Eskenazi, former sports writer for the NYT and current Forbes contributor, recounting his most recent visit to Venice, as published in an article entitled &quot;Enjoying A Gondola Ride in Venice--With Pavarotti And Presley&quot;, published on March 5 2018

* I really am a big Elvis fan – at six foot three I’m one of the biggest. In all the excitement about accompanying the Beatles to their rmeeting with Elvis, I sent my suit to the cleaners to prepare for the big meeting. However, the cleaners had sewn up my pockets where I kept a bunch of guitar picks that I always had on hand for the boys. So, inevitably when Elvis asked for a guitar pick that night, I went into a panic. I couldn’t access the picks in my sewn-up pockets, so I frantically ran into the kitchen and smashed up a bunch of plastic spoons to create makeshift picks. I’d have loved to have given Elvis a pick, have him play it, then got it back and had it framed.
**{{w|Mal Evans}}, the Beatles' road manager recounting his time with Elvis and the Beatles on the night of August 27, 1965, when they met at Elvis' 525 Perugia Way home in Bel Air, CA. It helps understand why on his first visit to Graceland, in 2013, Paul McCartney took a pick, engraved with his initials and placed it alongside his grave, with a tweet that said &quot;So you can play guitar in heaven&quot;. Evans' story was published in an article entitled &quot;When The Beatles met Elvis, who was Presley’s biggest fan?&quot;, on August 26, 2016.

*I remember whan I first saw Elvis, I had been playing guitar since I was 8, so then I saw him I said, WOW, finally people are gonna know what a guitar is. (After him) it was cool to have a guitar around your neck, when before, it wasnt&quot;
**{{w|Don Everly}},from an interview with VIP in 1996.

== F ==
* The moment I first saw him, the presence he had, wow, he was so beautiful, and had such a charisma that no one could even utter a word. Anyways, a couple of days later, at the MGM Commissary, which was a gigantic place, you know, full of stars, directors, I was seated in a table, my back was facing the door, and then everybody started to get up, and they were all rushing outside, so I turned around and you know, when you are trying to look through a glass, with the sun behind you, so you kind of cover your face, and it was Elvis, outside, looking for me, inside, so there he was, at one of the lowest times in his career, and all 700 people, many celebrities themselves, rush and try to meet him. He almost didn't have a chance to survive THAT kind of celebrity...
** [[w:Shelley Fabares|Shelley Fabares]], telling interviewers at MGM how, even in 1965, when they were filming &quot;Girl Happy&quot;, Elvis would cause a riot...

* Then candidate [[w:Joe Biden|Joe Biden]], didnt even run for President in 2020. The press ran for him against Donald Trump. In fact,  there were more Elvis sightings in the summer of 2020 than Biden's sightings 
** Jimmy Failla, a panelist on Fox News's [[w:Outnumbered (American TV program)|Outnumbered]], when  discussing Pres. Biden's 2020 campaign, as broadcast in its April 15, 2022 edition.

* Had he not kissed, he'd be our  Jesus.
** [[w:Adam Faith|Adam Faith]], interviwed by the BBC for the 2002 special &quot;Why there's only one Elvis&quot;

* Elvis Presley would probably have to be my biggest musical influence. After all, he was from the same region as I am and it inspired me to continue my music career into college, even though my major is architecture.
** {{w|Famous Maroon Band}}'s Brittany Roberts, who is 18, commenting for 58Nation on the musician who had the biggest influence on her, as published on their online page on 27 July 2017.

* I was fortunate enough to auction Elvis Presley's jet, which was kind of cool
** Jeffrey Farber, the 2018 Iowa Champion Auctioneer, as told to O.K. Henderson, of Radio Iowa, on August 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley shared the soul of black music's best performers. He was a reflection of our life experience&quot;.
** [[w:Louis Farrakhan|Louis Farrakhan]], in a 1993 statement on the subject Elvis' contribution to the acceptance of black music.

* Teenagers dominated the mid-20th century, the term being invented only in the 1930s, and no one gave them more visibility than Elvis Presley, who began his own career at 18, embodying the teen desire for liberation from their parents' culture and mirroring their more open sexuality, as he gave youth everywhere in the world music to call their own.
** [[w:Paula Fass|Paula Fass]] History Professor at the University of California, at Berkeley, answering &quot;The Atlantic&quot; magazine's Big Question, on who was the most influential teenager of all time, as published in their April, 2015 edition.

* John and Paul hit it off very quickly. There was something both of them had that just locked together. Perhaps it was a crazy kind of attitude towards life, a contemptuous mockery that later became the trademark of the four Beatles, or perhaps it was just a teenage friendship that stuck. As far as John was concerned, Paul was not only a good guitarist – as good as John himself – but he also resembled their mutual idol, Elvis.”
** [[w:Julius Fast|Julius Fast]] in his 1968 book, &quot;The Beatles, the Real Story&quot;.

* Well I did a couple of movies with Elvis, he was really fun to work with, a really nice guy
** Actor [[w:Edward Faulkner|Edward Faulkner]]'s laud of Elvis, in a filmed interview on YouTube

* I have enjoyed a lot of songs of various genres in my life but Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, and John Denver are my favorite American male singers.
** [[w:Feedback (band)|Feedback]]'s Labu Rahman, singer and guitarist for Bangladesh's top rock band, in an interview with the Daily Star and as published on February 2, 2018.

* It's been more than five decades, but there's still such freshness to the recording, such unexpectedness bursting through the familiarity. Scotty Moore and Bill Black, on guitar and upright bass, hang on for all they're worth, trying to keep up with this crazy kid as Elvis's voice – urgent, insinuating – floats out over the beat, a croon that joins joy and nerves and arrogance (already you can hear his sneer), and that voice turns almost spectral as it slides into its upper register whenever it comes to allll ri-iiiiii-ght. (Forget “E pluribus unum’’ or “In God we trust.’’ The words that should appear on our currency are “That’s all right. What I was hearing transcended beauty...
** [[w:Mark Feeney|Mark Feeney]], in his article, &quot;Elvis at 75: Can we ever again see the performer, not the punch line?&quot;, as published on January 3, 2010 at BOSTONCOM

* At that moment, Ali seemed to me to be not so much a measuring stick against other great heavyweights such as Louis, Jack Dempsey and Rocky Marciano,    as of Elvis Presley. Elvis was the King of Rock ’n’ Roll, The Greatest in his own sphere, a man who was both drawn to and repelled by the limelight he so easily attracted. And I wondered if the golden cage of fame, sought by many, attained by few, was all it was cracked up to be when Muhammad Ali embarked on his quest to put himself on a pedestal unknown to any boxer. In 1993, the United States Postal Service conducted a nationwide poll to determine which version of Elvis Presley should appear on a commemorative stamp. One version was of the 1956 lean and hip-swiveling Elvis; the other was the 1970s sequin-jump-suited and noticeably plumper Las Vegas model. The vote was, of course, a landslide for the young Elvis. Were a similar vote be put to the American public for an Ali stamp, one being the young, sleek and impossibly gifted boxer who did things no heavyweight had done before or since, or the older, retired Ali who was cited for his humanitarian and philanthropic contributions to society, the outcome would be as preordained as had been the one for Elvis. That class of humanitarians and philanthropists might be in short supply, but they still are more plentiful than individuals who can perform feats of athletic excellence that can make mere mortals gasp in amazement.
**  Bernard Fernandez, in an article entotled BEING AROUND THE GREATEST, MUHAMMAD ALI REMEMBERED, as pu8lished in  [[w:The Ring (magazine)|The Ring]]'s January 17, 2022 edition.

* People say  “If Elvis had been a more astute businessman or taken more interest in the workings of his career, he would have been a much bigger star.” But God Almighty, he made more money than anybody I know of. And next to Jesus and Coca-Cola, nothing’s any better known than Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Memphis Mafia|Lamar Fike]], as excerpted from Alana Nash's book  “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia”

* Not wanting to spoil anyone's party, but in the context of the Grand Bear market of that time, and it certainly was a Very Grand Global Bear Market, the demise of Lehman Brothers was by no means the most important event, and it happened quite late on the timeline as well. Today, books have been written and the event features in a number of documentaries, while the question &quot;Where were you when Lehman went bankrupt?&quot; sits right up there with 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall and the death of Elvis Presley.
** Rudi Filapek-Vandyck, founder and Editor of FNArena, a major supplier of supplier of financial, business and economic news, analysis and data services for small and large investors dealing with the Australian Stock market, in a article entitled Ten Years On, The World Is Still Turning, published in LiveWire's October 3 2018's online edition.

* I want him to have an earring hanging from his tongue. He is the REAL love of my life. When I am with him, and I walk with him, is like being with Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Carrie Fisher|Carrie Fisher]], speaking about the love of his life, her dog Gary, in an interview with Vulture.com, published three months before her death.

* Nobody ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and all I wanted to be was Elvis Presley. But listening to Elvis was not allowed.
** [[w:Dudu Fisher|Dudu Fisher]], top Israeli tenor and cantor as told to the audience at the Chabad Jewish Center of Monroe, LA, and as reported by The Cranbury Press on September 29, 2011

* It's like people saying Elvis Presley was only famous because he was white. He had, y'know, the rhythm of James Brown but he had his own thing. He was Elvis, he wasn't just a white man. Things like that are going to be picked up between black people and white people and anybody, it doesn't mean a person is or isn't great because they're influenced by something associated with another race. It doesn't matter. Anyway, that period was different, like when he was there, they were stopping everything, and he had the moment for real. While I'm here, its not all about 50 Cent, but it was all about Elvis.”
** Rapper [[w:50 Cent|50 Cent]], in an interview with Noisey to talk about his upcoming album, Animal Ambition, as published at Noisey.vice.com on March 19, 2014.

* No, because Vince  is Elvis Presley. Elvis never did Johnny Carson even once. I get asked more about what kind of guy Vince McMahon is than anybody else in the wrestling business.
** [[w:Ric Flair|Ric Flair]] on why [[w:Vince McMahon|Vince McMahon]] should not do interviews, as published in Ringside News´ March 16, 2022 edition. 

* I learned music listening to Elvis' records. His measurable effect on culture and music was even greater in England than in the States.&quot;
** [[w:Mick Fleetwood|Mick Fleetwood]], as published in www.graceland.com

* As a youngster I discovered what I could do almost by accident. I grew up in Lima, where my father was a folk singer and my mother managed a pub that presented live music. So,as a teenager, I would sometimes sing a variety of popular songs from Elvis Presley onwards. I was drawn to music from the start so I started guitar lessons at 11 and began to learn music theory at about 14. Then I started to write my own songs but always this was pop-oriented. It was only when I entered the National Music Conservatory at age 17, that I started to discover classical music. In fact, I came late to classical music, preferring instead pop music and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Juan Diego Florez|Juan Diego Florez]], Peruvian tenor, thought of being the successor of Luciano Pavarotti, in an article published on the Independent on May 7, 2010 and entitled Opera's superstar: Why Juan Diego Flórez is the heir to Pavarotti

* From his eerie 1954 reading of “Blue Moon” up to 1976's “Hurt,” Elvis established himself as a pre-eminent ballad singer, something a lot of people forget in the flurry to hail his anarchic rock material. “It Hurts Me” from 1963 isn't the first great ballad of his career, but it's one of the finest. Recorded in Nashville at the same session which yielded his supple version of Chuck Berry's “Memphis, Tennessee,” “It Hurts Me” fuses Elvis' love for gospel melisma with the heartache of a lover forced to stand on the sidelines of a romance. He approaches the song — a forebearer of the Four Seasons' “Silence Is Golden” — at first delicately, as if he's afraid any force would snap the song's tension. By the second bar, the song is all tension, with the pain of watching the right woman with the wrong man becoming too much to bear. When the roaring finale comes sweeping through, its two minutes and some-odd seconds seem to have encompassed a lifetime of anguish.
** John Floyd, for MEMPHIS, THE CITY MAGAZINE, reviewing the subject of Elvis the balladeer, in an article entitled Did Elvis saved the best for last_ and re/published on August 26, 2018.

* Mickey Mantle's mystique is unquantifiable. He's like Clint Eastwood and Elvis Presley. There's something there. An aura. The manliness of all three of them. Each of them is a classic in their field.
** Marshall Fogel, the world's top collector of baseball memorabilia, commenting for Forbes magazine, on June 24, 2018, the arrival at the Colorado Center Museum of a US$10m 1952 Mickey Mantle Card and not just in an armored car, but after its having been insured for $12m.

* I remembers watching the Elvis special when it aired in December 1968, just as my band was beginning to erupt as a major force in rock &amp; roll. In fact,we released our first Top 40 hit, “Suzie Q,” that same year. Many people my age, especially after the Beatles, had kind of pushed Elvis aside a little bit. And that was the neat thing about the special — there was Elvis, your long lost friend, looking really good and sounding good. It was great to have him back.
** [[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], front man of the Creedence Clearwater Revival, on how he reacted to the 1968 Special at the beginning of his career, in an interview with Rolling Stone and published in their February 13,2019 edition.

*  Alas, no paths crossed with Elvis. Shucks
** [[w:Jane Fonda|Jane Fonda]]' reply to her mega fan Leonard Quintana's  question on whether she had ever crossed paths with Elvis, as recorded in her  official blog on February 22, 2010 

* The public's imagination was caught by Elvis through two things: his unique ability to synthesize all American music styles and his fantastic interpretive qualities as a vocalist; that he managed to keep the public's attention after the music began to suffer, is due to his remarkable charisma, an unparalleled force that was stronger than any ten other men in his peer group; (while) it's the charisma that allowed him to get away with covering substandard songs like &quot;A Little Less Conversation,&quot; (1968), it's his musical ability alone that elevated it to a status it didn't deserve, creating something so endearing that the simplest of remix jobs could make it sound contemporary, a quarter-century after his death; he may always be a punchline to some people, but the continuing evolution of our fascination with the King has to do with his ability to reinvent himself every time he's heard; even, apparently, from beyond.
** Robert Fontenot, music historian and critic at www.about.com, commenting on JXL's re-mix of &quot;A little less conversation&quot;, which topped the world's charts in 2002.

* He was a cultural icon and his legacy spilled over into the culinary world.
** Addie Gundry, one of the The {{w|Food Network Star}}'s thirteenth season contestants, explaining some of Elvis' favourite recipes in an article entitled &quot;Retro recipes from a 'Food Network Star' published on the Herald Palladium on February 14, 2014

* It’s big, full of color and pattern and imbued with the outsized personality of its most famous owner. Graceland, Elvis Presley’s home in Memphis, Tennessee, is the second-most visited house museum in the U.S., with over 600,000 visitors a year. Only the White House sees more tourists.
** [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine's real estate contributor Regina Cole, in her article entitled ̊&quot;The Dichotomy Of Elvis' Graceland, America's True House Museum&quot;&quot;, as published on their August 9, 2018, online edition.

* After the Second World War's boosts, top tax rates wouldn’t dip below 90% until 1964, when they plunged to 77%, remaining in that range until 1982, when they dropped to 50%. In comparison, for the tax 2013, the top tax bracket is 39.6%, kicking in at $400,000. Elvis remained in the spotlight since 1956 until his death, and he continued to tour despite health problems related to his lifestyle. Even when he didn’t tour, he made money, as was the case in the early 60′s, when despite having no personal appearances, he earned $5 million a year ($40,000,000 in today’s dollars). By 1973, he was still raking in money and, as if to give credit to his manager's assertion (&quot;I consider it my patriotic duty to keep Elvis up in the 90 percent tax bracket&quot;, was Col. Parker's motto), he was allegedly the top taxpayer in the country.
** [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine's Senior Editor Kelly Phillips Erb, in her article &quot;Elvis Presley Topped Charts And Tax Brackets&quot; as published in their Aug 16, 2013 edition

* Elvis Presley was a masterful vocal artist. I really do appreciate what Elvis was able to do.
** [[w:Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]], on whether or not Elvis Presley is his favorite singer, for GMA News, as published on October 1, 2017.

* During this trip, Dean Nichopoulos was injured on the slopes, requiring a visit to the local hospital. Upon realizing, from a look at his insurance card, that he must have been related to Elvis Presley's doctor, the nurse mockingly asked, “So where is Elvis?” without realizing that the ski mask-clad who was standing right in front of her was precisely Elvis. When she pointedly asked of him, “And who are you?” he calmly replied, “The Lone Ranger.” The nurse, having none of what she thought were just shenanigans, simply went about her business. Because of safety reasons, Elvis appeared on the slopes only in the evenings and in a rented skimobile, with his nighttime adventures prompting a then 19 year old college student by the name of Susan Ford to complain to the US Secret Service and the local police of local violations by Elvis.
** About the reaction of [[w:Susan Ford|Susan Ford]]̪, only daughter of the then sitting President of the United States, [[w:Gerald Ford|Gerald Ford]] to Elvis night skying during one of her visits to Vail, and which prompted the National Enquirier to report it in an article entitled “It’s Elvis, the Nightstalker.” as published on their January 11, 1976 edition.
* On Wednesday August 22 1956, Colonel Parker called me to report to the bungalow where Elvis was rehearsing 'Love Me Tender' with Ken Darby, the film's music director. They also had to choose some hoedown numbers to be featured in the picture. As we were ready to leave, there was a change in tempo and Elvis sang,&quot;We're gonna move&quot; a lively spiritual. As he stood standing next to the grand piano with Mr. Darby playing – with his head back and thick dark hair tumbling over his eyes, Elvis was oblivious to those around him. When we all left the bungalow, (I noticed) he walked in front.
** [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Trude Forsher]] personal secretary to Elvis and his manager, in her 2006 book entitled &quot;The Love Me Tender Years Diary&quot;

* It was scientist [[w:Isaac Newton|Isaac Newton]] who told us in his &quot;Three Laws Of Motion&quot; that each action has an equal and opposite reaction. One could say the same about the behaviour of human societies. Glance at history and you will see what I mean. The Regency period, with an example of a randy slob who later became George IV, was a time of loose morals and widespread immorality. Then came the Victorian era. This we are told was a time of rigid prudishness. That lasted for more than a hundred years. I recall it as a provincial shopkeeper's son in the 1940s. Back then, respectability was all. When did British society revert to its natural preference for randiness? There were three impulses. One was the arrival of The Pill. &amp;shy;Another was the arrival of marijuana. And yet another was the arrival in the mid-1950s of pop music. I recall the utter horror of the older generation and the forecasts of the end of civilisation and teenage girls swooning at the wildly gyrating hips of Elvis Presley. The pop fraternity was king and the pop stars “screwed around”. In short I wish the sudden legion of moralists (where have they been all these years of Playboy and Penthouse?) would put two short words on their bucket list of chores to accomplish before they drop off the perch. A simple resolution: Grow Up.
** Author and CBE {{w|Frederick Forsyth}}, in an article entitled &quot;We need grown-up thinking on morality&quot;, as published in The Express on February 10, 2018.

* I felt like I was meeting Elvis Presley or the president.
** Leeann Fortenberry, in reference to how she felt meeting Dr {{w|Adrian R. Krainer}}, a Uruguayan-American Biochemist who chairs the Cancer and Molecular Biology Department at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in New York and who is currently treating her daughter Faith, a sixth grader, with Spinraza, the first and only US- FDA approved medication to treat a form of muscular dystrophy she lives with called SMA Type 2, in an interview aired by Channel 10, KWT on November 8, 2018.

* Art didn't quite hear what all the fuss was about (he even asked, “What kind of a name is that?”), but he went with an offer for the contract. He then called me a few days later saying there's no way he's pay what Sam Phillips wanted — $50,000. His highest offer was $35,000, so I said, ‘Art, you can give him $500,000, it won’t matter, you’ll make it back on the first record&quot; Then “He said, ‘You’re insane.’ I said, ‘Possibly, never had to debate that, but I know what I’m telling you.'” Art never went above $35,000, Elvis' contract went to RCA for $40,000, and the rest is history.
** [[w:Fred Foster|Fred Foster]], record producer and founder of Monument Records, commenting on his unsuccessfully trying to convince Mercury Records marketing director Art Talmadge to sign Elvis in November of 1955, as published on Wide Open Country, on 28 November 2016.

* I started singing in 1967. My brother had a song book which contained songs of Elvis Presley so we used to share the songs and I would imitate a lot of English songs. This helped me when I went to Victoria Falls Casino Hotel where I would sing and entertain whites in the early 1970s. I joined The Four Brothers in 1983 and that is when we recorded ‘Zvinonaka Zvinodhura’ and the following year, we did the ‘Tosangana Ikoko’ album which had eight tracks.
** Patrick Mukwamba from the [[w:Four Brothers (band)|Four Brothers]], Zimbabwe's most successful music band. as reported by the Mail, on 27 October 2017

* It was the best thing that ever happened ... to me I mean.
** Comedian [[w:Redd Foxx|Redd Foxx]], on being one of the few who attended Presley's wedding, as noted in his biography, ''Black &amp; Blue: The Redd Foxx Story''.

* I remember seeing David playing in a local band before I even went to the school since my dad was David's art teacher. I remember seeing this band play on the school steps and this thing with hair sticking straight up and playing the saxophone doing Elvis Presley songs. I looked at my dad and said, “Dad, who is that?” He said, “Oh, that’s Jones.” I said, “I want to be him&quot;
** [[w:Peter Framton|Peter Frampton]],in a Rolling Stone interview, recalling how he first got really hooked into rock music by seeing a very young David Bowie play Elvis, as published in their 23 February 2019 edition.

* A few months after I released my version of &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot;, RCA released Elvis' version and sales of mine crushed. By sheer chance, I had a encounter with him in California, a few years later. so I confronted him over the issue and told him his version had cost me a lot of money. After explaining that he had not been aware that his song was going to be released, he just quietly got out his checkbook and wrote me a check. I was still upset so I didn't look at it until several months later when Christmas was approaching and money in my family was tight. Worse, my mother had already scraped together what little money she had so she could buy presents for our family at that time. Except she didn't really buy the presents because she only had enough money to put them away in layaway. Anyways, I unfolded the check and let me tell you, I had never seen that many zeros on a check before. It was for US$10,000 (the equivalent of US$80,000 in 2017 dollars). I then took just US$50 dollars for myself, and sent the rest to my mother. And they never had a better Christmas.
** [[w:Carol Fran|Carol Fran]], soul blues singer, pianist and songwriter, as noted by Roy Black in an article entitled HOW ROOTS MUSIC MADE ME BECOME A FASHION WRITER, and ´published on Awaiting the Flood on September 26, 2013.

* When Elvis heard me sing this song in Las Vegas in late August of 1958, he became so emotional that he had to leave the show. The next day, he sent me two dozen yellow roses with a note explaining that he had just lost his mother and hearing me sing 'Mama' was more that he could bear
** [[w:Connie Francis|Connie Francis]],in an interview for Newsmax as published on 30 September, 2017.

* While His Holiness' collection is mostly made up of Classical music, it also includes an old album of Édith Piaf’s greatest hits; Argentine tango tunes, especially by [[w:Astor Piazzolla|Astor Piazzolla]] and a 25-disc collection of Elvis Presley’s Gospel songs-
**[[w:Pope Francis|Pope Francis]]' music taste and record collection, as noted by Cardinal [[w:Gianfranco Ravasi|Gianfranco Ravasi]],   in America's January 13, 2022 edition. ,

* My mom was a huge Elvis fan, she's always, ever since I can remember, always had small Elvis dolls and random Elvis memorabilia around the house. Growing up, I finally asked her why she decided to name me Elvis, and originally, she was going to name me Gregory. But she had a dream two weeks before I was born that she was at an Elvis concert and her newborn baby was at the concert as well. So instead of Gregory, she decided to call me Elvis. Yeah, she was about as big of an Elvis fan as possible.
** Dr. [[w:Elvis Francois|Elvis Francois]], an orthopedic surgeon resident at the Mayo Clinic, telling reporter Ann Halliwell of the Post Bulletin the reason he was named Elvis as published on the paper's 30 December 2018 edition in an article entitled. &quot;Why a Mayo surgery resident is always singing on the job&quot;

* If you're ever in Japan, consider a trip to &quot;Chineskikan&quot;,two hours outside Tokyo in the city of Chichibu. The museum is the only one of its kind ion the world, dedicated entirely to rocks that look like human faces. Owned and operated by Yoshiko Hayama, &quot;Chineskikan&quot; is home to some of the most spectacular stones nature has to offer, with rocks that resemble everyone from Elvis Presley to E.T.
** Mark Fraunfelder, in a film entitled &quot;Enter Japan’s Museum of Rocks With Faces&quot;, as published on &quot;Boeing Boeing&quot; on February 1, 2018.

* I was just really getting started good when he came out. I loved his work. He was one of a kind. People talk about somebody being big, and people will compare them to Elvis, but there's never been another Elvis. I never got to meet him, but I talked to him on the phone one time. He was looking for a song, and he told me he loved 'Chain of Fools' and he asked me if I could write a similar song for him. I tried, but all I could think about was the other song and I never could write it. That's the closest I got to meeting him.&quot;
** [[w:Dallas Frazier|Dallas Frazier]],telling the Boot about the day he almost met Elvis, as published on their August 16, 2012 edtion.

* We are still considering names, but since the twins were born on Elvis' birthday, I guess that for now we can call the little boy Prince Elvis.
** HRH Crown Prince [[w:Frederik, Crown Prince of Denmark|Frederik]] of Denmark, in jokingly speaking to the press on the day his wife HRH, Crown Princess Mary gave birth to twins. Moments later, the press asked Her Majesty Queen Margrethe II (who incidentally had met Presley at the Paramount Studio in 1960) if she, as the grandmother, alas, as the Queen, could confirm what her son had just said. She was noncommittal, but it was later learnt that no Prince or Princess in line to be King or Queen of Denmark can be given any name which is not that of another King or Queen, respectively.}, and as reported on January 8, 2011, in Hola magazine.

* He's really the only white man who can sing the blues. He's got a real feeling to it, which comes from the contact he had as a child with negroes
** [[w:Alan Freed|Alan Freed]], disc jockey and radio personality credited with launching the term &quot;rock and roll&quot;, circa 1950, as excerpted from an interview with Anita Behrnam in an article entitled “What Alan Freed really thinks about Rock and Roll&quot;, published on the October 1958 issue of the &quot;People Weekly&quot; magazine, (p.22), and in response to Ms. Behrnam's question on how he felt about Presley, then serving in the US Army in Germany.

* I was discharged today and I'm doing very well, feel real good. I just would like thank the staff at Elvis Presley Trauma Center and many, many thanks to all the well-wishers. It's great to know people care about you.
** {{w|Morgan Freeman}} in an interview to E Entertainment News, just after his release from treatment and full recovery at the EP Trauma Center in Memphis, TN, on August 5, following a car accident three days earlier.

* Freddy had two people in a pedestal, Elvis Presley and John Lennon. Those were the people he thought made a difference in music and he would never had dreamed he would be put in the same pedestal alongside them. I think he got his wish...
** {{w|Peter Freestone}}, personal assistant to Freddy Mercury, in an interview with El Nuevo Dia and published on September 4, 2016

* As far as I'm concerned, I hope this rage passes as quickly as it has spring up. Elvis strides on stage, takes a wide-legged stance, grabs up a guitar, gives it a couple of whangs, opens his mouth and starts gyrating. He shivers and shakes, he quivers and quakes. The faster Presley moves, the more agitated the crowd becomes. An announcer implored the crowd, “If you want to see Elvis Presley in the pictures, write Paramount Pictures. As far as I can learn from Paramount’s local office, there is no deal cooking on Presley.
** [[w:Terry Frei|Terry Frei]], for the Denver Post, recalling a review of the Rocky Mountain News from April of 1956, in an article published on March 8, 2017 and informing readers that thousands upon thousands did write, with eventually being Paramount's rival 20th Century Fox who released Elvis’ first movie, “Love Me Tender,” on Nov. 15.

* When I was 20 years old and TWISTED SISTER began, I don't think I would have ever asked someone who was 60 where the music industry was going.I think that I would look around at my peers and see where the scene is at, rather than go to, let's say, Elvis Presley's producers and go, 'Hey, man, give me some advice as to how I can move forward because I don't think that they're seeing things the way I'm seeing things. When they were 20, they were seeing things in their way. So when I talk to 20-year-olds, I say to them, number one, I didn't have a mentor — I never had a mentor. And number two, I was smart and I just looked around me. I think it was impossible to think that before Elvis came, nobody thought Elvis was gonna come. And it should never be predictable.
** {{w|Jay Jay French}}, TWISTED SISTER guitarist's reply when requested to offer some advice to up-and-coming artists, as seen in a clip from Daniel Sarkissian's film &quot;What Is Classic Rock?

* He has sung for years about murder and biblical torment and characters who hurt one another just for the philosophical kick. It's a nasty congruence that his lyrics set him up to sing about a death he knew nothing of, until it was time to record, something of a ham — possibly down to thinking Elvis Presley is as biblical as anything else.
** {{w|Sasha Frere-Jones}}, speaking about Nick Cave in an article for the Village Voice and entitled &quot;Navigating the Darkness with David Bowie, Nick Cave, and Leonard Cohen&quot; as published on November 9, 2016.

*In the Sun Studio in Memphis it hit me like a blow. What a musician, what an upheaval. It is still there, the old microphone, the silver Shure 5-5 with the lateral grooves, by means of which a certain Elvis Aaron Presley in July 1953, just 18 years of age, made his first recording. This man has shaped pop culture like no other, in fact influenced all music after him.
** [[w:Timeline of Bern|Bänz Friedli]], Swiss linguist, in an interview with kxan, as published on their February 16,2019 edition.

* He touched their lives....
** [[w:David Frost|David Frost]], English television and media personality which hosted, in 1980, a Yorkshire Television special focusing on 300 Elvis UK fans going with him, to Memphis, TN, on the third anniversary of Elvis death.

* At Sun Studio in Memphis Elvis Presley called to life what would soon be known as rock and roll with a voice that bore strains of the Grand Ole Opry and Beale Street, of country and the blues. At that moment, he ensured — instinctively, unknowingly — that pop music would never again be as simple as black and white.
** [[w:David Fricke|David Fricke]] in ''Rolling Stone'' (1986)

* He is more like an Elvis Presley or a Marilyn Monroe, who died early and left their impression on the world.
** Lesley Frowick, top designer [[w:Halston|Halston]]'s niece, commenting on the 2021 Netflix mini series ‘Halston’ and which according to her and the entire family, does not reflect the real Halston, as published in WWD's May 11, 2021 edition.

* To the extent that the cultural-appropriation police are urging their targets to respect others who are different, they are saying something that everyone needs to hear. But beyond that, they can plunge into doomed tangles. American popular culture is a mishmash of influences: British Isles, Eastern European, West African, and who knows what else. Cole Porter committed no wrong by borrowing from Jewish music and Elvis Presley enriched the world when he fused country-and-western with rhythm-and-blues.
** [[w:David Frum|David Frum]], writing for the Atlantic in an article entitled &quot;Every Culture Appropriates[, published oh May 8, 2018.

* Sakuraba is just magic, proving to the world that the Gracies could be beat. He walked into that arena like if he was Elvis and he was the man who did it.
** [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]], in reference to Kazushi Sakuraba being inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame, as published on 5 June, 2017 at SB Nation.

* Fifty-six years ago last April, in a studio on Fifth Av in Nashville, a 25-year-old Elvis Presley spit out another platinum-selling record. “It’s Now or Never” hit the airwaves one day after the 4th of July, and topped the charts for weeks. It sold over 20 million records worldwide and became one of his most successful releases. Studios up and down Nashville's famed “Music Row” have cradled the genius of America's music masters for generations. For Elvis Presley and many others, that six-block span has been a place where dreams really can come true. But today, in a global internet economy rife with piracy and wanton copyright violations, the future of America's music industry is threatened. For many musicians, songwriters, and the more than 56,000 Nashville workers whose jobs depend on the resilience of America's music industry, the time to fight back against those threats truly is “Now or Never.”
** U.S. Trade Representative Ambassador [[w:Michael Froman|Michael Froman]], talking about the Trans-Pacific Partnership and how it affects Tennessee, as published in the Tennessean, on November 4, 2016.

* At one point, Elvis used to have football games in his front yard in LA. Glen Campbell and I were on Rick Nelson's team and we would play against his.At first, it was supposed to be flag football but people wound up with black eyes and things like that. It got pretty rough, but I think that's where Glen might have hooked up early with Elvis. Then, it was when Glen and I played &quot;The Crossbow&quot;, that Elvis would visit whenever he was in Albuquerque. They even had a little balcony to keep Elvis' group out of the crowd down below...
** [[w:Jerry Fuller|Jerry Fuller]], songwriter, singer and record producer, on the matter of when and where Glen Campbell might have become close to Elvis, in an article entitled “He Could Do Anything”: &quot;Glen Campbell Remembered By His Closest Friends&quot;, written in connection with his 2018 album consisting of songs written for Elvis to sing and which Glen recorded as demos before he became nationally known.

* They mention me and they mention Elvis, not the same... RELAX. Not more slaps than Presley..Elvis super legendary.
** [[w:Future (rapper)|Fulture]] 's instagram messages on May 30, 2020, after being told he had surpassed Elvis in the number of Billboard Top 100 hits.

== G ==

* Was Elvis up to the challenge? He was. The resulting Elvis special, which aired on December 3, 1968 on NBC, became the top rated show of the season and NBC's biggest success of the year. But the key moment came on the night of June 4, when Elvis was at the Binder/Howe offices. A television set broadcasting Senator [[w:Robert Kennedy|Robert Kennedy]]’s speech at L.A.’s Ambassador Hotel played in the background; the presidential hopeful had just won California’s state primary. Minutes later, Kennedy was shot (he died 26 hours later on June 6) and the assassination provoked a cathartic reaction in Elvis. From the moment that was on, for the rest of the night, we sat in that room and Elvis started to tell us his life story...
** [[w:33⅓|Gillian G. Gaar]], discussing how the narrative of the 1968 special came into being, as published in Goldmine magazine's 9 January 2019 edition.

* After Trump-Clinton, the Vice-Presidential Debate Isn’t Exactly ‘the Return of Elvis’
** [[w:Trip Gabriel|Trip Gabriel]]'s headline to his New York Times article of October 1, 2016

* Decades ago, during the polio epidemic, people were hesitant to get the vaccine, which became available in 1955. Public sentiment turned in 1956, after the biggest influencer of that era, Elvis Presley, got the shot backstage before he made an appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. Immunization levels among teens at the time rose from 0.6% to 80%.
** Dr. Terry Gaff, in an article entitled&quot;Vaccinated people are discovering benefits of VIP treatment&quot;, as published in the [[w:KPC Media Group|KPC Media Group]]'s News online edition of May 16, 2021

* Yuri was a celebrity, a héro of the USSR, the first man in space. For the Kremlin, he defined the Soviet spirit. Born poor, then becoming one of the world's most celebrated. He was the Elvis of the Soviet Union.
** About [[w:Yuri Gagarin|Yuri Gagarin]], as noted by Andrew L. Jenks, author of the 2015 biography entitled &quot;The Cosmonaut who couldn’t stop smiling: The life and leyend of Yuri Gagarin&quot;

* I identify myself with Elvis, especially the last ten or fifteen years of his career.  He never wrote a song in his life but if he hadnt sung  them,   they would mean nothing.
** [[w:Dave Gahan|Dave Gahan]], in  a Rolling Stone interview published on January 3, 2022. 

* In the early going at the Charlotte Coliseum, there were scattered notes here and there that made you wonder if finally he was gonna do it but, always, he would pull up short, rely on the grins, the charisma and the legend, until finally a little before 10:45, he came to the gospel classic, &quot;How Great Thou Art&quot;-. And that was it. As he came to the part where he belts out the title, he sounded like Mario Lanza with soul, cutting loose a series of high notes that would tingle the spine of even the diehard skeptic; but crescendo came on a song called &quot;Hurt&quot;; it's an old song that Elvis didn't record until a couple of years ago, and the key ingredient is its range, an awesome collection of notes that could leave a normal set of vocal chords in shreds; he finished in what seemed his most potent style, but wasn't satisfied, and mumbled to the band, &quot;Let's do that last part again.&quot;; he did, and if there was anyone among the packed-house crowd who had thought Elvis was a fluke, they no doubt came away converted.
** Frye Gaillard, reviewing his February 20, 1977 show at the Coliseum, for the &quot;The Charlotte Observer&quot;

* My father had very specific tastes, and that's what we listened to, namely Chopin, Bach, Elvis Presley, the Beatles, and David Bowie. I think that's it.
** {{w|Charlotte Gainsbourg}}, British-French actress and singer, the daughter of English actress {{w|Jane Birkin}} and French singer and songwriter {{w|Serge Gainsbourg}}, the latter of whose musical tastes she detailed in an interview published by NOISEY on December 4, 2017.

* I jumped out of my 1975 Firebird and rushed to get photos of him. So, that's when he turned to me and said &quot;Who are you with cat?
** Photographer [[w:Ron Galella|Ron Galella]] in his book Shooting Stars

* There is only Elvis and me, and I couldn't say which one of us is the best.
** [[w:Liam Gallagher|Liam Gallagher]], Oasis frontman, as published at Emol.com -

* In May of 1959, at the Midnight premiere of &quot;King Creole&quot;, in Mexico City, more than 500 teenager broke into the cinema, overtook various side balconies and threw seats and even burning papers to those in attendance at the floor below. A huge fight erupted. As many girls tried to leave the cinema, they were stripped of their clothings and harrassed by the rioters. Police arrived at about 1 am in the morning but incredibly, there were many injured but no arrests.
** Parménides García Saldaña, recounting the incident he was a witness of, on his book &quot;El Rey Criollo&quot;, which led to Elvis' being banned from all Mexican record stores, a follow up to his 1957 ban. (See Pompeyo, Hebre)

* Elvis Presley brought down the house and all the attendance records of the Houston Live Stock Show and Rodeo came tumbling down on the shoulders of his white shirt Saturday night at the Astrodome. The largest crowd ever to attend a rodeo performance to Houston – 43,614 screaming fans – were present Saturday night for the rodeo and Elvis' fourth of six performances. Hours earlier, he had drawn the largest matinee crowd – 34,443 Saturday and his two performance total exceeded by former records by the two-performance total attracted by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans two years ago. In fact, the four performances in which Presley, his band and vocal group have have appeared thus have drawn a total of 131,064 people to the Astrodome. It is by far the greatest start that the Houston event has made since it moved to the Dome in 1966. Presley who has never been known as a talker on stage, probably expressed it perfectly Saturday night when he commented: &quot;You have been a fantastic audience,&quot; he said prior to introducing his associate in the 45-minute show. Police are stationed around the arena to keep the audience away from Elvis but Saturday afternoon, a fan sneaked in through the rodeo chutes and was within a few feet of the star when he was apprehended by police...
** Charles Garder for the [[w:Houston Post|Houston Post]], in reviewing the first four of Elvis's six back to back performances at the Houston Astrodome, as published on their March 1, 1970 edition.

* I have a great respect for him and I have to say that &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; was the very first job I ever had, so he was the first person I worked with in a movie. It really was a big influence on me. Maybe it was me that made it up, but I thought, he's a person, I'm a person. If he can do it, I can do it. And he made you feel like that, too. You know, he made you be an equal. And, of course, it wasn't true, but as I said I lived in a big fantasy world and still do, but he made you feel like you were the same. And I think that really was an incredible catalyst for me. I mean, you're working with Elvis Presley and he thinks that you guys are alike so maybe, if he can do it, you can do it. So then something like that, it's a subliminal subconscious incredible influence he had on me.
** [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]], on working with Elvis, particularly in Viva Las Vegas.

* I was appearing at the Sands and a friend of mine, a fellow comedian working with Elvis, told him I'm a black belt. So I got a call from one of Elvis' buddies. He traveled with this massive entourage. So this pal tells me, &quot;Would you be interested in doing Elvis Presley the honor of sparring with him?&quot; I said, &quot;Sure, I’ll give the kid a break.&quot; *Laughs*. He rented a hall and arrived with this huge group of people. We looked at each other and he calls me &quot;sensei,&quot; which means &quot;teacher.&quot; I said, &quot;Oh Elvis, you don’t have to call me that because we’re of equal rank.&quot; And he says, &quot;OK, sensei.&quot; Then he goes, &quot;Do me a favor, please. Don’t hit me in the face because I have a show to do tonight.&quot; And I said, &quot;Well, don’t hit me in my face because I, too, have a show tonight.&quot; He responds, &quot;Sensei, if I hit you in the face, it would be an improvement.&quot; I said, &quot;I’m going to kill you. You know that, right?&quot; Then we spar. But he was wonderful. He was very, very good in fact. I've sparred with a lot of people and not many were as good as he was. But when we weren't sparring, he was a gentleman at all times.
** [[w:Hank Garrett|Hank Garrett]], in an article entitled &quot;Hollywood tough guy Hank Garrett recalls breaking Robert Redford’s nose during brutal fight scene in memoir&quot;, as pubished on Fox News January 11, 2021 online edition.

* I am an angry man, so angry I burn myself and I heat up the air around me. This is the nuclear fuel I use to make my music. In a world so full of pain and madness we need to be better than ever, to evolve not devolve, to become masters of our fate and stop listening to the snake talkers who would steal our last breath. It's time to go Elvis and shoot the cursed TV.
** [[w:Duke Garwood|Duke Garwood]], UK multi-instrumentalist, in an interview with Live4Ever, published on November 3, 2016.

* Elvis let you know that he cared about you, that he noticed you. He made you feel good. No other entertainment stars ever took the same effort Elvis did, to be honest. They didn't. He took that extra step. Elvis took good care of us, man, I swear to God. Bonuses at the end of tours, also (on top of the regular paycheck). I mean nobody treats musicians and the people that were with him the way Elvis did. Nobody.&quot;
** [[w:Greg Gaskins|Greg Gaskins]], 1960's -'70's Soul, R&amp;B guitarist who played with the Manhattans, Otis Redding, Al Green, Jackie Wilson and Sweet Inspirations, as told in August 2017 to Jay Vivian, the latter in connection with Gaskins' having been so quoted in the book &quot;Reflections on race.Myna and Desert Storm&quot; by author Darrin Lee Memmer.

* Elvis, and that was it
** [[w:Marc Gasol|Marc Gasol]], Spanish basketball player,when asked what did he know about Memphis,on his arrival in 2008 to play for the Grizzlies, as noted in the Commercial Appeal's February 10, 2019 edition.

* The Elvis tattoo on my chest? I started listening to 'Jailhouse Rock' and loved it.
** Rapper [[w:Kevin Gates|Kevin Gates]] as published on November 24, 2016, at ppcornon.

* I started my first job in 1977 at the age of 14 as a carhop at an A&amp;W Root Beer restaurant in Fort Lauderdale. The day I was hired, I was promoted to lead carhop when a radio DJ interrupted the music and broke the news that Elvis had died. The lead carhop took off her money belt and announced ‘I must go to Memphis.’ She drove off in her Ford Pinto and was never heard from again. The money I saved that year definitely helped pay for tuition and college expenses and it was a super fun job and a great experience. I learned the value of a dollar and how to make a seriously delicious root beer float – all thanks to Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Monica Gates}}, Mayor of Kingman, AR, as published in the Daily Miner, on September 2, 2017

* First of all, I admire Elvis, not just as a singer but as a creator of a style, a personality. What he has achieved is worth of respect. Regarding the rivalry between Rock ´n Roll and Bolero, there are enough fans for both styles.
** {{w|Lucho Gatica}}, the King of Bolero, in an interview published in Ecran's January 27, 1957 edition.

* One time, Elvis was in town and invited folks to his suite for a party. His idea of a party? Eating food and having his backup singers belt out gospel songs...
** [[w:Jack Gaughan|Jack Gaughan]], President of the Musicians Union of Las Vegas, in an interview with Jan Hogan of the Las Vegas Review Journal on December 2, 2016.

* The thing is, I've always wanted to be a star. I've always wanted to be an Elvis Presley or a Tupac – like, a huge icon.
** [[w:G-Eazy|G-Eazy]], in Brainy Quote's Elvis section.

* The inspiration for my career came from Elvis Presley. I heard him singing ‘My Way&quot; and that somehow gave me the strength to start a painting business. I knew it was time, as they say, to take the bull by the horns, create my own job. Almost fifty years later, I am still painting, still doing it my way.
** Leo Geise, holder of the {{w|Guinness World Record}} for the oldest professional house painter, at 78 years and 198 days, as verified in Delphos, Ohio, on July 8, 2018 and as published in limaohiocom̪'s December 16, 2018 online edition.

* Well, it started when I saw him was as a little kid at a 1957 concert at LA's Pan Pacific Auditorium concert. 'Then, I became a hairdresser, so the first time I cut his hair, which was in 1964, it took about me 45 minutes to finish it and the whole time Elvis didn't say a word, but his eyes would follow every move I made. I was then already working with people like Warren Beatty &amp; Paul Newman and the most handsome guys of the movies, but I can tell you Elvis eclipsed them all. He had the face, the voice, the career, the fans, the fame, the money and he had.... the hair, which was unbelievable to work on. He insisted that I trim his animated and eccentric moustache.
** [[w:Larry Geller|Larry Geller]], Elvis ' hairdresser, as noted in his autobiography.

* Singer Lloyd &quot;Lonzo&quot; George (of the &quot;Lonzo and Oscar&quot; C&amp;W duo), was visiting his relatives, so his teenage nephew, Jim, invited all his friends to his house to meet his famous uncle. But there was one quiet 15-year-old boy whom Jim's parents would not allow to come inside their house. He was poor so they called him “white trash” and treated as if he was from a lower class. When Jim told Uncle &quot;Lonzo&quot; that the boy outside had a guitar but didn't know how to tune it, he gladly offered to show him how. Since he not allowed inside the house, they arranged to meet outside. It was obvious to &quot;Lonzo&quot; that the boy was embarrassed and felt out of place in a rich neighborhood. The boy's guitar was old, cheap, and hung around his neck with just a piece of string. After &quot;Lonzo&quot; showed the shy teenager how to tune his guitar, he offered to teach him some songs. The boy was so surprised and happy that Lonzo spent two whole hours playing and singing with him that he started feeling confident in his own ability to play and sing. &quot;Lonzo&quot; never met that boy again, at least not face to face. Thay boy was Elvis Presley.
** As told by Jim George, nephew of Gonzo, of the {{w|Lonzo and Oscar}} duet and published in the Samoa Observer in an article entitled &quot;Recognizing royalty&quot;., on December 28, 2016

* This looks to be a  movie made for theaters, a major event.- 
** {{w|Nelson George}}'s laud of Baz Luhrmann's direction in 2022 &quot;Elvis&quot; Warner Brothers biopic, as   shown in a Mojo Media interview of Luhrmann and Austin Butler, who plays Elvis in the flick. 

* Friday's article about the contribution of minority groups throughout American history brought some fascinating reactions. First, quite a few folks who aren't usually fans of me or of National Review actually reached out and said, “Thank you for writing this.” No doubt a lot of people hunger for the message, “Your ancestors helped build this country, too” and perhaps with it an alternative to a well-established and not-all-that-accurate narrative that minority groups' role in America was almost entirely that of the helpless victims. But it was perhaps even more amazing to see the (admittedly mostly anonymous, possibly bot-like) responses on Twitter — who appeared deeply upset by a list of how minority groups shaped America from the beginning. The goal was to repeat it enough to make people think whites barely had a hand in building the nation, Really? You think people are going to forget or overlook the first 43 presidents, the Pilgrims, John Smith, Paul Revere, Thomas Paine, Ben Franklin, Henry Knox, Thomas Edison, Lewis and Clark, Buffalo Bill, Butch Cassidy, Wild Bill Hickock{{sic}}, Wild Bill Donovan, Wyatt Earp, Eliot Ness, General George S. Patton, Neil Armstrong, Mark Twain, Andrew Carnegie, J. P. Morgan, Elvis Presley, the Wright Brothers, Chuck Yeager, Will Rogers, Douglas MacArthur, Charles Lindbergh, J. Edgar Hoover, Ernest Hemingway, John D. Rockefeller, Charlie Chaplin, Babe Ruth, Billy Graham, Henry Ford, T. S. Eliot, Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, Upton Sinclair, General John J. Pershing, Robert F. Kennedy, Earl Warren, Andy Warhol, Allen Dulles, Frank Lloyd Wright, Norman Rockwell, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, Walt Whitman, the Minutemen, the Green Mountain Boys, the Texas Rangers, Is there anyone who's even remotely historically literate who believes that “whites barely had a hand in building the nation”?
** {{w|Jim Geraghty}}, in an article entitled &quot;Why Are Some People So Insistent that Certain Chapters of History Not Be Discussed?&quot;, as published in the National Review's December 17, 2018 edition

* Some years ago, while in Memphis to officiate a wedding, I took some time to visit the home of Elvis Presley. I was reminded of his complicated life. He was certainly not a perfect person but, in the rooms of Graceland, there was memorabilia showing how he gave enormously to charities in Memphis, and how he loved his mother more than anything. Not perfect, but there WAS a lot of good in him...
** Ronald Gerson, Rabbi Emeritus of the {{w|Shabbat}}'s Congregation Children of Israel in Athens, GA, in an article entitled &quot;Perfection is elusive, so it’s best to accept faults and accentuate the positive&quot;as published in the Augusta Chronicle on July 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley's spirit is another that keeps coming forward, but seemingly, is not at rest. He wants to communicate, he’s there...
** Barri Ghai, UK born paranormal investigator, creator of the television series &quot;Help My House is Haunted&quot; and recent contributor to [[w:Ghost Hunt (TV series)|Ghost Hunt]], in an article published in the Daily Star online, on August 6, 2018.

* What intrigues me is how memory colors history, what remains in the end is collective memory. Elvis in that sense was an excellent way to study the period after the Second World War, for epitomizing those times. It was the beginning of the cold war, but also the start of a firm and optimistic belief in the future.
** [[w:Adrian Ghenie|Adrian Ghenie]], Rumanian painter whose &quot;Elvis&quot;, measuring 40 x 31&amp;nbsp;cm sold at a Phillips auction in Geneva for US$510,000 in May 17, 2018, explaining to the auctioneers what was that moved him to paint him, as noted in Phillips' catalogue essay of that same date.

* Presley of course was not only a pioneer in music, but also a cultural icon whose influence has endured over generations. One of the earliest musicians to make rockabilly – an uptempo, backbeat-driven fusion of country music, rhythm and blues – popular, Presley was also a consummate showman. And he had a huge influence on Bollywood as well, most obviously on [[w:Shammi Kapoor|Shammi Kapoor]], who was inspired by him all the way from his looks to his moves, and to his movies as well.
** Suktara Ghosh for the [[w:BloombergQuint|BloombergQuint]] an Indian news organization associated to Bloomberg, in an article published on January 8, 2018.

* i) Religion in and of itself and spirituality are the absolute pure tools of a songwriter. For instance, if you listen to mountain music or immigrant music or bluegrass music, religion was the only subject. So when you listen to that kind of music, you realize they didn't have anything else but religion. So religion over the years and through rock ‘n’ roll and through people like Elvis Presley, hey, just listen to him singing gospel music, c'mon.... It never went away, it never will and the idea of true faith is behind every artist that ever gets to the place they want to be ii) I remember the time I stopped in at Graceland to say hello to Elvis after he had performed in Las vegas a version of a song I wrote, &quot;Words&quot;. I was allowed to go up the driveway – the yellow brick road if you like – and I got to the front door and there was a limousine there. His uncle told me I could go up and knock on the door and I might get to meet him. So I knocked. But for some reason he didnt come out. But that’s ok, because I looked inside the limo and saw the first television in a car I’d ever seen and that was all a thrill anyway.
** [[w:Barry Gibb|Barry Gibb]], in a 2016 interview for New Zealand's Roxborogh Report ii) from an interview with METRO, as published on their Janyuary 8, 2021 edition.,

* Know thyself means that you need to know what you want out of life. What are your strengths your weakness, your values, your morals, your beliefs. Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, Muhammad Ali, Abraham Lincoln and Harry S. Truman are listening to this class from the walls of this classroom where their photos hang. Hopefully, you, my students are, too, because if you are one to be happy, you need to love yourself for who you are, always striving to improve. My fear is that too many people judge themselves on who they are NOT and what they don't possess physically and materially. I think life is too short to focus on the negative.”
** Teacher Drew Gibb, addressing his students at Hickory High, in an article published in the Herald, on February 4, 2018.

* In the collective memory of his fans, he reigns as the sleek musical genius who soaked up the multiple influences of America's vernacular music -gospel, country swing, rhythm 'n' blues—, and made them his own; Bob Dylan, one of pop's favorite poets, put it best: Elvis, he said, was &quot;the incendiary atomic musical firebrand loner who conquered the western world.
** Gwen Gibson, in his article &quot;The Top 10 Pop Stars, Ever&quot;, published in the AARP's May 2003 edition

* The Museum of the Bible is without a doubt the newest, most intriguing and most talked-about attraction in DC. Since opening in December 2017, more than 200,000 people have visited it. The second floor of the building, called “The Impact of the Bible.” clearly deals with the bringing of the book to the United States and its impact on the nation. There, its most popular item is Elvis Presley's Bible. It's not exactly archaeology, but people had their pictures taken next to its glass display case with way greater excitement than any other item, including what was observed next to a stone brought from Jerusalem.
** Moshe Gilad, Israeli reporter and the Washington DC correspondent for [[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]], as published on its February 9 2018 edition.

* i) I don't really think Elvis' voice was significantly lower than those of any other baritones. The color of the voice and the sense of warmth and richness of tone gave the sense that the voice was much deeper. Elvis, in fact, did not force his lower register, comfortable as he was with it, which in turn gave the impression that it was lower than those of other baritones. ii) People will often say that opera singers sound too stiff and operatic when singing contemporary music. This is because the vowels in an operatic style tend to be more open, whereas in a rock style singers tend to thin out the vowel. There is nothing wrong, and everything right, in opening the vowel in the higher register so that the higher notes can be sustained. Elvis Presley was very open in his singing style even though he was 'the' rock and roller.
** i) and ii) Brian Gilbertson, world-famous voice teacher, explaining the deepness of Elvis' lower registry.

* He was very good, great, nice, sweet and a gentleman.
** Actress [[w:Sandra Giles|Sandra Giles]] who appeared in It happened at the World's Fair, in an interview with Enews.

* Along with the rest of &quot;Deep Purple&quot;, I once had the chance to meet Elvis. For a young singer like me, he was an absolute inspiration. I soaked up what he did like blotting paper. It's the same as being in school — you learn by copying the maestro. His personality was also extremely endearing, his interviews were very self-effacing (and), he came over as gentle and was generous in his praise of others. He had a natural, technical ability, but there was something in the humanity of his voice, and his delivery. Those early records at the Sun Records label are still incredible and the reason is simple: he was the greatest singer that ever lived.
** [[w:Ian Gillan|Ian Gillan]], lead singer and frontman of the UK hard rock band &quot;Deep Purple&quot;, interviewed by Classic Rock magazine, explaining why Presley belongs in the list of rock icons ( as published in blabbermouth.net, on 3rd January, 2007)

*  I wasn’t really known as a country music performer.   I was trying to be more like Elvis and those people at the time.  I didn’t consider myself a country act.
** [[w:Mickey Gilley|Mickey Gilley]], as quoted by Variety, in an opinion published two days after  his death, on May 7, 2022 

* It was Elvis' Jailhouse Rock that made me first pick up a guitar and say, ‘I’ve got to do a bit of that. He was absolutely brilliant. Elvis, in his very early years, was staggering
** [[w:David Gilmour|David Gilmour]], guitarist and singer for Pink Floyd, speaking at the launch of his new DVD Remember That Night – Live At The Royal Albert Hall,as noted in cobtactmusiccom on May 17, 2019

* When I was about 10, my dad took me to an Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash concert in Lubbock. That had a profound effect on me. As a result, I completely fell in love with that New Orleans (sound) that I liked on the radio, with Little Richard and Fats Domino. That music is really in a sense still my very favorite.
** [[w:Jimmie Dale Gilmore|Jimmie Dale Gilmore]], member of the Flatlanders and now in his 70's and still touring, in an interview for the Sacramento Bee, published on September 25, 2017.

* I was living in France about five years ago, and that's when I discovered the Elvis Sun Sessions recordings. To me, most people know the later Elvis stuff, you know, &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; and what he later recorded at RCA. But this stuff just has the energy and modesty and integrity of where he came from. It's his start and it was really the start of rock and roll, holding on to the roots of American music in every way, the blues, rockabilly. I think these recordings represent really the discovery of one of the greatest singers and performers of all time. It's the beginning&quot;.
** Katie Glassman, singer and fiddler, explaining to Nathalia Velez, of Westword, her interest in Elvis' earliest recordings and as published by www.westword.com on 17 January, 2013.

* Fred Maddox came back from a Louisiana Hayride Show and told me I should listen to this kid singing. On April 2, 1956  Fred called me and asked me to come to San Diego if I  was interested in meeting Elvis.  On the trip down I thought that since  I'd seen other acts play at the Arena,  I doubted  he'd fill it. It was packed, Presley went wild, the girls never stopped and  you could hardly hear him over the noise. I had never heard such a reaction to an artist, even being on shows with some of the biggest country singers of the day, so that's when I decided, that  this is what I had to do
**[[w:Glen Glenn (singer)|Glen Glenn]], in a an interview with  Johnny Vallis recalling the moment he decided to leave country music for a life in rockabilly,   as published in Elvis Australia's June 18, 2004 edition. 

* As far as I know, Presley and Gould never crossed paths. A media-mediated symbiotic relationship existed between the two of them, however, which extended beyond their dependencies, night-crawling work habits, and inner circles of hard-core loyal friends. Like Gould, Presley had the hermit's need for sanctuary in the studio, where his genius, every bit the equal of the pianist's, harnessed the full potential of playbacks and editing to sharpen and refine even the most thrown-off sounding uh-huh. The degree their sexuality was groomed for media consumption was another shared attribute.
**[[w:Peter Goddard (journalist)|Peter Goddard]], on page 94 of his biography of [[w:Glenn Gould|Glenn Gould]], a Canadian musician widely recognized as one of the greatest classical music pianists of the 20th Century. (The bio, published in 2017, is entitled The Great Gould)

* The same mystic power Michelangelo held in his hands Elvis held in his windpipe, a power nobody should have been allowed to put a price on, but for the love of the ‘ching!’, they did.
**[[w:Simon Goddard|Simon Goddard]], speaking about the money making effect the voice of Elvis had, in his book The Comeback: Elvis And The Story Of The 68 Special

* He became nationally known in April 1945 when, as CBS's morning-radio man in Washington, he took the microphone for a live, firsthand account of President Roosevelt's funeral procession. The entire CBS network picked up the broadcast, later preserved in the Edward R. Murrow and Fred W. Friendly record series, I Can Hear it Now. Later, through his Talent Scout television show, he significantly assisted the careers of Pat Boone, Tony Bennett, Eddie Fisher, Connie Francis, Leslie Uggams, Lenny Bruce, Steve Lawrence, Connie Francis, Roy Clark, and Patsy Cline. Yet he proved fallible. In April of 1955, he turned down Elvis Presley.
** About {{w|Arhtur Godfrey}}, whose talent scout TV show was the highest rated during the 1951–1952 season, while remaining a highly popular show through the decade, as noted by WIKIPEDIA.

* Our bomb shelter generation revolted against the stiff, straight old ways. They threw away their traditional leather shorts for blue jeans and started standing and walking like cowboys. They were bored with '0 Tannenbaum!' and skipped 'Ach du lieber Augustin' to hear rock n' roll. Elvis Presley was just what they were looking for -- an American Pied Piper to lead them to excitement.&quot;
** Werner Goetze, West Germaby's top DJ, in an article published at the Baltimore Sun &quot;This Week&quot; magazine on Sunday, July 19, 1959.

* Elvis&quot; “Tupac,” “Obama”
** La Rams Quarterback [[w:Jared Goff|Jared Goff]]'s favourite line-of-scrimmage calls, as reported by Sam farmer of the Observer on January 2,2018

* The day that Elvis died, Aug. 16, 1977 was a pretty big deal. Not as well remembered was Oct. 28, 1956, the day that he got a polio shot. The event, staged at CBS studios by the New York City health department, made the national television evening news and the New York Times. Photos suggest that he was having a blast. The New York City health department arranged for the public inoculation in order to encourage adolescents — the group most susceptible to polio after young children — to get their shots. Only a very low percent of the city's teenagers had received the newly licensed Salk vaccine. I'd like to think that if Elvis were still with us he'd be getting an HPV shot — vaccination rates for the cancer-causing human papilloma virus are among the lowest of recommended vaccines — and tweeting about it. But he has left the stage. Instead of Elvis posing for a shot we have celebrities caught up in the trap of unscientific thinking promoting vaccine refusal.last year. This is not a red-blue issue: Green Party candidate Jill Stein is a vaccine skeptic as well. If that irrational fear-based movement continues to gain ground and data-driven medical science and advances that can save lives are ignored, we'll watching people get sick or even die from preventable diseases. Luckily, the movement has a way to go in the United States.. August is National Immunization Awareness Month, a good time to check that you and your family are up to date on vaccine coverage/ According to a survey conducted in 2014, and published in the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 87.6% to teenagers were up-to-date with the Tdap (tenanus-diphtheria-acellular pertussis) vaccine and 60% had meningitis vaccine coverage. The rate for HPV vaccine, which requires 3 doses, was lower, perhaps because of its cost or opposition to the inoculations on the grounds that the way to avoid a sexually transmitted disease is to abstain from sex. HPV is transmitted sexually and the vaccine can prevent most genital warts and most cases of cervical cancer, which is projected to kill 4,120 women in 2016. Young men and women who get the vaccine also can dramatically lower their risk of some anal and oral cancers, which are on the rise. I miss Elvis, the King of Vaccines.
** [[w:Rutgers University|Janet Golden]], PhD, for the {{w|Philadelphia Inquirer}} in an article published on their August 16, 2016 edition and entitled &quot;Let's honor Elvis and the lives he saved by supporting vaccines.

* Gorgeous ! - or same equally effusive effeminate word – is the only way to describe Elvis Presley's latest epiphany at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Not since [[w:Marlene Dietrich|Marlene Dietrich]] stunned the ringside with the sight of those legs encased from hip to ankles in a transparent gown has any performer so electrified this jaded town with a personal appearance. Without twanging a string, burbling a note or offering a hint of hip. Elvis transfixed a tough opening night audience of flacks and entertainers simply by striding on-stage in the costume of the Year. Not quite the erotic politician that [[w:Jim Morrison|Jim Morrison]] proved to be when he disrobed on stage. Elvis manages very well his constituency by occasionally grabbing a lady at ringside and kissing her firmly on the mouth. Grander than the &quot;Fountainblue,&quot; the International has found itself an attraction magnetic enough to pull the shut-in generation over 30 out of their ranch houses onto nonstop jets and down in to the Valley of Loose Gold where the King presides over his people, with eternal youth and joy and jamboree.
** Excerpted from [[w:Albert Goldmman|Albert Goldman]]'s review of the opening night of Elvis second engagement at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, NV. It was published in Life magazine's March 20, 1970 edition thus a few years before he wrote the controversial biographies of Lenny Bruce, Elvis, John Lennon and Jim Morrison, the last of which he left unfinished as he died of a heart attack on March 28, 1994, while flying from Miami to London.

* He is to the US National Football League what Elvis Presley is to rock-and-roll. He’s the king.”
** NFL Commissioner [[w:Roger Goodell|Roger Goodell]]'s laud of [[w:John Madden|John Madden]], on the day after his death, and as published in the AP News' December 29, 2021 edition

* They had me convinced that no teenage girl was safe around him. They wanted to have him watched at the theater and they wanted his hotel room watched. They had him pictured as a real villain. In my chambers, I warned him and his manager that I would be present at the first of six shows and that I had prepared warrants charging him with &quot;impairing the morality of minors&quot;. As if for proof, deputies would be stationed in wings of the theater, I added. Once on the stage, he opened with &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, threw his hips out once and so I immediately told the lawyer on the theater, in a whisper that I was going to put him in jail, sure as anything. But then, miraculously, Elvis caught himself. &quot;Wait a minute. I can't do this. They won't let me do this here,&quot; I heard Elvis say. To everyone's amazement, instead of shaking, wiggling, and jumping around, Elvis stood perfectly still, wiggled his little finger suggestively in place of his usual movements, which thrilled the crowd, who I guess found &quot;the finger&quot; both hilarious and deeply erotic. So in the end, my wife, my three daughters and their girlfriends all watched as Elvis wiggled his finger suggestively throughout the show. And they roared when Elvis dedicated &quot;Hound Dog&quot; to me. Everybody in the audience got the biggest charge out of that. I was later told that Elvis continued the finger twitching movements throughout the other five Jacksonville shows. But he had made some new fans, including my grandson, Tony, who would grow up to idolize him by plastering his posters all over his bedroom walls.
** Judge Marion W. Gooding, recalling how, in early August of 1956, he had warned Elvis (whom he later described as a sweet, gentle kid with the sort of good manners that we associate with southern politeness), to avoid moving during any of his 6 shows at the famed {{w|Florida Theater}}, in Jacksonville Florida, as published in Mental Floss, on March 21, 2012

* I had never seen him in person. I could hardly speak when I saw him... 
** Diana Goodman, former Miss Goergia, in her book Welcome to my world. 

* I was told a couple of pieces of advice, one was ̊&quot;just remember that whatever you do, try your best, because they aren't going to choose your best scene with Elvis, but Elvis' best with you&quot;. When I met him, he was utterly flattering. I then felt like an older sister for him, even taught him to twist. There was something about his wholesomeness, his courtesy, and that is why he is still as big as he is.
**[[w:Laurel Goodwin|Laurel Goodwin]], sharing her memories from the movie set of &quot;Girls, Girls, Girls&quot; with Tom Brown, in an episode of the Gates of Graceland, aired on October 10, 2018

* Until recently, Western research on Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union all but ignored the role of rock music in those societies. There have been a few academic articles on rock in socialist countries, but no serious book-length studies. Last November, the American Association for the Advancement of Slavic Studies held its first session ever on the subject. Mowever, the recent collapse of the Iron Curtain has revealed societies not only aware of, but also significantly involved in, Western-style rock culture. In fact,none other than Raisa Gorbachev has publicly declared herself a fan of Elvis Presley
** About [[w:Raisa Gorbachev|Raisa Gorbachev]]'s love of Elvis, in an article entitled &quot;Raisa Gorbachev Is an Elvis Fan, and Other Reasons Why Scholars Should Study the Role of Rock in Eastern Europe&quot; and pubished in The Chronicle' s June 6, 1990 edition.

* It's real gold, it cost $2500, some sort of impregnated unborn calf skin. It's very dramatic and almost unbelievable when you see an artist walk out on a stage and receive an ovation like the one we have witnessed tonight
** Australian promotor [[w:Lee Gordon (promoter)|Lee Gordon]], commenting on Elvis' appearance in St Louis, in 1957.

* Mississippi is also about people helping people. We lead the nation in charitable donations per-capita. When disaster strikes, our people respond with immediate relief for their neighbors, as they did after the Mississippi River flood of 1927 and following devastating hurricanes like Camille and Katrina of recent times and dozens of tornadoes and fires. Elvis Presley helped to rebuild McComb after a January 1975 tornado nearly leveled the place by giving a concert to aid storm victims. Today, Presley's birthplace in Tupelo is among the state's leading travel destinations, rivaling the Gulf Coast and Mississippi River-area casinos that annually pour millions of badly-needed dollars into the state treasure. There are more musicians, singers and other artisans of note per square foot here than anywhere else in America. Presley and Nobel Prize-winning author William Faulkner presided over our creative class, but they have been surrounded by a skyful of bright lights in the artistic constellation.
** Writer [[w:Mac Gordon|Mac Gordon]], in an article published by the Clarion Ledger on December 8, 2017.

* I remember having a conversation with some of the older artists at STAX about when Elvis was breaking in the mid 1950's like the Reverend Bishop Dwight Arnold “Gatemouth” Moore, a disc jockey who had been a huge blues singer in the 1920´s and 1930's and became a gospel singer thereafter. In fact, it was he who said, 'Elvis gave us a second career'. That's what some people thought, but it's like you hear, some thought he was doing great things for African-Americans, bringing a respect to that music. I've read the newspaper articles of the time and the sense of fear and anger that Elvis instilled and the way he was despised was a real jolt, and it remains an amazing representation of America at the time. At the same time, the fact it was a white guy doing it made it different and I think a lot of people did get a new life.
** Writer and film director [[w:Robert Gordon|Robert Gordon]], interviewed by Graham Reid for the Elsewhere magazine and published on November 7, 2013

* In the music world, there had always been a distinction between black and white music, the assumption being that black was R&amp;B and white was pop. But with the explosion of Elvis and rock and roll those clear distinctions began to disappear. In fact, Elvis Presley was the first white artist to blur the lines of color among artists.
** TAMLA and MOTOWN's founder [[w:Barry Gordy|Barry Gordy]]'s description of what Presley meant to the blurring of the colour lines, as mentioned in autobiography entitled &quot;To be loved&quot;&quot; (pp 180-81)

* It’s always been my dream to come to Madison Square Garden and be the warm-up act for Elvis.
** Then Senator [[w:Al Gore|Gore]], accepting the nomination for vice president at the 1992 Democratic Convention &amp; prior to Bill Clinton's (aka &quot;Elvis&quot; by his security staff) acceptance of the presidential nomination, as published in www.graceland.com

* My uncle Perry came in, when I was six and started to create this character in the mirror. Because he was putting on this show, all my family were in the act so I was head of security, wearing this little official gold jacket, and suddenly there are all these screaming people, and my uncle – who has a moustache, a birthmark on his face and no hair – becomes Elvis and he's amazing. When the show was over, it felt like this weird emotional storm had taken over our house and sometimes when I try to figure out why I'm acting, I figure that had to be it.
** Actor [[w:Ryan Gosling|Ryan Gosling]], crediting Elvis and his uncle Perry, who was an Elvis impersonator, with starting his acting career, as published on January 8, 2013 at the Belfast Telegraph.

* That the prime exponent of this new style of music should be a singer who possessed no prior professional experience was an anomaly; (in fact), not only were most of the mannerisms that would define his vocal style present at the creation — from the sudden swoops in register to the habit, derived from gospel singing, of starting his lines with a throat-clearing &quot;well&quot; that gave whatever followed the feeling of a retort, but what was even more impressive was the extent to which his first professional recording was marked by the trait that has characterized every great popular singer: the absolute assertion of his personality over the song; from this, it might be concluded that Presley was simply a &quot;natural.&quot;, but the truth, as ever, was more complex than that.
** Jonathan Gould, on his Beatles-inspired book, &quot;Can't Buy Me Love&quot;, referring to Presley's early SUN Records label recordings and their influence on the Liverpool rock and roll scene&quot; (2007)

* When he shot the television set? He also shot at 50 other people. LOL. What I do remember was when we sat together backstage for two hours. And he was a charming, delightful man. And at one point I said, &quot;That's a beautiful ring you have there.&quot; He said &quot;You like it?&quot; I said, &quot;It's beautiful!&quot; He took it off his hand and put it on mine. He gave me his ring. And years later all the jewelry I had in my house – I trust everybody. I was brought up to believe that you cannot steal, cheat or lie and I've been stolen from, cheated or lied to all of my life. And so jewelry – who needs it? But this one was something special to me and it's gone.
**[[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] in an interview with Christopher Blank, as published on The Commercial Appeal's  August 14, 2004 edition.

* On May 3, 1957, at Hollywood̺'s  Radio Recorders Studios,  Elvis and his band were working on a soundtrack session for “Jailhouse Rock&quot;. [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] had a difficult time laying down the bass line for [[w:(You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care|(You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care]] on his new electric bass, and he eventually gave up, frustrated. Elvis surprised everyone by picking up the bass and playing the part – so perfect that [[w:Jerry Lieber|Jerry Lieber]] performed a scratch vocal, and the two recorded the perfect instrumental master for Elvis to sing a new vocal track over, which he did less than a week later.
** As posted by  [[w:Graceland|Graceland]] on Dec 3, 2015  in an article entitled Elvis Presley, the Musician.

* I never met him but I believe I will see him in heaven because he was very deeply religious, especially in the last two or three years of his life.
** [[w:Billy Graham|Billy Graham]], as reported by San Francisco Chronicle for October 8, 1977.

* We were shooting a  musical number on a merry-go-round where he's taken this little girl to the park and she's riding around and Elvis is singing to her. Well, she was a very young girl and she could only work for a few hours a day with us getting into all kinds of penalties and overtime. So when it came time to do Elvis' close up the little girl wasn't available to do the offstage. So Elvis said to me, 'I always feel better if I can sing to somebody'. He says, 'I wonder if you would mind standing beside the camera and let me sing to you when I do my close ups'. So I had Elvis Presley sing a song directly to me in a movie, and that was quite a thrill. (In fact), of all the people I've ever worked with in my entire life, and I've been a director for 47 years, Elvis was wonderful, the politest and nicest actor I ever worked with. A great guy.&quot;
** Director [[w:William Graham(Director)|William Graham]], in an interview with AMC magazine.

* But that doesn't mean I view systematically scrubbing [[w:Alex Jones|Alex Jones]] from the internet, as Apple, Facebook, and YouTube have tried to do, as a victory. Why? Because I enjoy hip-hop, Elvis Presley, and &quot;The Catcher in the Rye&quot; -- and at some point in our country's history, all three were in the sights of people who didn't approve of its content (or in Elvis' case, hips). Again, I don't like what Jones has to say but I do like the fact I can call him an idiot. That's America, baby.
**[[w:LZ Granderson|LZ Granderson]], African American journalist and political analyst for ESPN's SportsNation, in an interview broadcast on August 6, 2018.

* I was in a Hollywood restaurant having lunch  and he bounded up and said he'd seen me in &quot;King Solomon’s Mines&quot; more than 60 times. I told him I was flattered. Elvis then shook his head sadly and added: ‘I didn’t have any choice in the matter, Mr Granger. You see, at the time I was working as an usher in a cinema where the godawful film was playing. LOL.
**[[w:Stewart Granger|Stewart Granger]],  as noted in an article entitled Star Turns: How Elvis Presley couldn’t stop watching actor Stewart Granger and published in the July 30, 2020 edition of The New European.

* As sound leaves the body, it needs to resonate against something specific. There are options – you can direct that flow of sound to the nose, the throat, the jaw or to the sinus cavities in the face-, but I think what Elvis did – as evidenced by his lip curl – was to aim the vibration stream right at his teeth.
** Renee Grant-Williams, voice coach, and author of &quot;Voice Power: Using Your Voice to Captivate, Persuade, and Command Attention&quot;, explaining where some of the power to please the ear, in Elvis' voice, may have come from, as published in Newsreleasewire.com, on December 12, 2006

* I believe in moments that change everything, are powerful, mostly unplanned, and define lives. I remember the exact moment I met Toni. We were both at Batson Children's Hospital, she as a patient with her mother, and I was the visitor. I was with a team of people whose entire purpose in being there was to treat the soul while the physicians treated the body. We were responsible for giving children moments of relief from months of pain. Toni needed a moment. She had not felt like coming out of her room in a while. Leukemia will do that. This was our first moment. Our next was Hallowing also at Batson. Toni's mother and I exchanged numbers, and I stayed in touch regularly. She told me Toni's whites were very low and she was in isolation. No visitors. Our final moment was at the end of 2016, when Toni introduced me to a song I'd never heard before, in a church of all places. I sat in the back by myself until Toni's Childlife workers from Batson came to show their respects and maybe have one more moment and then we listened to Elvis Presley sing that &quot;There must be peace and understanding sometime, strong winds of promise that will blow away, the doubt and fear&quot; What a moment! I wish I could say I planned all of my life-changing moments, but I can't. Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” I planned to be at Batson, but I didn't plan the moment. That was all God and a little girl named Toni. Now, I'm so thankful for unplanned moments. Those little bits of peace and understanding from God and someone else who had no idea they were shaping my life. If we can be anything for anyone, why not a moment? Why not live Elvis' song and be a strong wind of promise that blows away someone's doubt and fear.......if only for a moment?
** Justin Graves, Director of Fellowship of Christian Athletes at Mississippi College, in an article published by the Clarion Ledger on 29 December 2017.

* Some details just get lost to history. There were many people involved in the effort. Elvis was certainly the most high-profile, but without his help it would have taken much longer for the Arizona Memorial project to come to fruition.He was very patriotic, which I think is lost sometimes too. Just one of those stories that needs to be told in the larger picture of December 7, 1941 and all those who gave so much effort to see the men of Arizona memorialized properly.
** Tim Gray, CEO and founder of the WWII Fiundation, when asked why Elvis had not gotten the recognition he deserved for his role in raising funds to build the USS Arizona memorial, as noted in a march 25, 2021 review by the EPNews Examiner on the subject of the PBS documentary released on December 7, 2021.

* I don't think it is an exaggeration to say he remains is the most influential person to ever come from Mississippi. And we've had a lot Mississippians who have left their mark on the world. But Elvis changed the world.
** [[w:WJMI|Walt Grayson]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, on the eve of businesses opening in the US after the first three months of the  Coronavirus pandemic,  as noted in his article entitled &quot;Mississippi Moment: Elvis Presley’s impact on music&quot; ,as published in WJTV's May 20,2020 online edition.

* i) I loved Mahalia Jackson, all the great gospel singers, but the most important music to me was those hip-shakin' boys, like Wilson Pickett and Elvis Presley. I just loved Elvis Presley. Whatever he got, I went out and bought. But I liked “Love Me Tender” the most. In fact, Elvis had an influence on everybody with his musical approach. He broke the ice for all of us ii) Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, David Ruffin, Eddie Kendricks, you know, I liked them all. See, we were used to the Motown era and the Stax era. And I really had an Elvis Presley collection of records, myself. I lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I liked all the Elvis records, had no idea I would move to Memphis, Tennessee, and (in fact) I didn't know Elvis lived in Memphis.
** [[w:Al Green|Al Green]]'s answer as to what music did he listen to as a 13 year old kid, growing up, as published in Al Green's Wikipedia page ii) his reply as to which singers influenced him the most, from interview with Wax Poetics

* Elvis manages to pull off exponential, seismic shifts in energy, unleashing hoards of it through his voice whilst, within the space of a second, racing up the highest, most absolute vocal intensity; it's almost voyeuristic to see a single performer put so much energy; you look around to see if it's really possible; the voice just becomes a big tank panzering through the screen, punching in chorus after driving chorus and it is insanely, inexplicably thrilling seismic TV, bigger than the moon landing, a one-man volcano of energy; he makes it seem so damn effortless and, despite all the waiting and expected attention during the solo numbers, he always puts in an on-performance, the three unflagging takes of &quot;If I can Dream&quot; all intense, committed; and he does this through vocal performance alone, not moves; this is probably one of the few times where the vocals mattered most to him, and it shows; after days of intense singing, he hardly even loses his voice; I challenge any current pop singer to match this three-day heavy intensity, this sheer rock and roll energy.
** Francis K. Green, as excerpted from his review of Elvis' TV Special, shot at the NBC Burbank Studios over three days in the summer of 1968, and as published at SLOWREVIEW.COM

* His  flip-flops in 1988 on abortion and other issues so important to Deep Blue State voters was so legendary that  Dick Gephardt became a running joke in [[w:Berkeley Breathed|Berkeley Breathed]]'s &quot;Bloom County&quot; comic strip. After being abducted by aliens, 30-something permanent frat boy and womanizer [[w:Steve Dallas|Steve Dallas]] underwent a process of &quot;Gephardtization&quot;ː  On board their spaceship, the aliens had originally planned to transplant Elvis Presley's brain into Steve's head. However, after Steve threatened the aliens with a lawsuit, they decided to perform the &quot;Gephardtization&quot; process on him instead, which was the same procedure used previously on Dick Gephardt to completely reverse opinions and attitudes.  After being presumed dead by the residents of Bloom County, Steve was zapped back to earth a few days later. To the whole county's amazement, he was now a sensitive, caring liberal and feminist. He also stopped wearing his trademark sunglasses, quit smoking, and got a perm.
** [[w:PJ Media|Stephen Greene]], quoting a Berkeley Breathed'comic strip, in an article quite  critical on Dick Gephardt entitled ̊̊&quot;Democrats Can Kiss Ohio Goodbye̊&quot;, as published in PJ Media's April 22,2019 edition.

* I was making for the door when he opened his eyes, blinked, as if he wasn't sure for a moment what I was doing there. He twitched a shoulder toward the phone and said ‘Would you mind calling room service and ordering me a fried-egg sandwich?. At that moment, it might have been clear I was born to be a restaurant critic. I just didn’t know it yet...
** Writer and restaurant critic [[w:Gael Greene|Gael Greene]], recalling the last words Elvis said after she, inter-ália, interviewed him at the 24th floor penthouse suite atop Detroit's Book-Cadillac Hotel (now Westiin) immediately after the second of two shows he performed on 31 March, 1957 at the city's Olympia Stadium, as noted in her biography &quot;Insatiable&quot;

*  It's easy to buy his pitch; after all who knows better than Vladmir Putin what the threat of foreign interference can mean for an unstable government? But the truth of the matter is that his “wall” will serve only to isolate the people of Russia from the world. Putin will have an “off” switch if an election doesn't go his way or a foreign press publishes some dirt he doesn't like. He'll have the power to disrupt his people's communication and keep open-source idea exchanges at arm's length. Sure, data finds a way. Just like Levi's blue jeans and Elvis Presley records took up residence in the basements and attics of rebellious Russians in the 1950s and 1960s, the people of Russia will find a way to circumvent the censors and access the world-wide-web. But not all of them. Many will embrace the change.
**  Tristan Greene, qwriting for [[w:The Next Web|The Next Web]], as published in their December 3, 2019 edition  in an article entitled &quot;Vladmir Putin is extricating Russia from the world-wide-web&quot;,

* Well, what strikes me about it is there may be a lesson here in how the great wheel turns, that is, in 1956, when Presley hit the national  scene and some of us rock 'n' roll aficionados found him entertaining it's safe to say, I would guess the art section of the &quot;National Review&quot; didn't greet him at the time with hosannas. And now, by the time he died, he becomes  Middle America's favorite guy, the guy who was nice to his mother, emblematic of the values that people thought 20 years earlier he was challenging?
** [[w:Jeff Greenfield|Jeff Greenfield]], in a rethorical question to the National Review's William Buckley Jr. who surprised him with his deep appreciation for Elvis'voice, in an interview  aired at CNN on September 3, 2001

* So was he The King? Not to me. But he was The King to millions and that has to be respected. They gave him “burning love”. He gave it back, and I’m very glad that I had grown up enough to see that.
** [[w:Bonnie Greer|Bonnie Greer]],in her editorial for the new European entitled &quot;Understanding the Burning Love for Elvis&quot;, as published on their August 10,2022 edition. 

* Returning to my car after buying the tickets, four huge guys came toward me down the alley. One looked familiar, then I remembered the picture my girlfriend had shown me. ‘Are you Elvis Presley?’ I asked. ‘I surely am,’ he replied. I asked for his autograph and got it. When I gave it to my girlfriend, she fainted.
** [[w:John Grier|John Grier]], for MYAJC, recalling his attending one of Elvis' 4 back to back performances at Atlanta's  Paramount Theatre on June 23, 1956, as published on 9 January 2016.

* Ok, so I think Elvis would've dug Bruce, because he not only sings from his gut and heart, he paints really deep canvases with his words. Even if you can't stand his voice, no one, but no one, can take away his incredible talent of writing. Man to get Elvis singing a Bruce song, WOW!! Anyways, so I was in Hollywood shooting an escape from a straitjacket hanging upside down on the Hollywood sign, and my photographer said let's eat at George Santo Pietro's Restaurant. We got there and it was sparsely occupied a few tables, very private and next to me and just behind me sat Bruce Springsteen eating with someone else (I was told later it was a guitarist from the Stones) I got nervous and my date said go up and say hey. I waited for the guitarist to leave while others in the restaurant left. Here's my chance, should I? should I? Oh shit. So I said &quot;Hi I'm Michael Griffin. I'm in town shooting a show and I love Elvis music and yours&quot;. Holy crap Bruce said sit down. We were talking and ordered another pizza, US$34 for that pizza and stuff. We kept going on and on about Elvis and the feel of music in the gut and how when I was given a Bruce record (the River) I finally found that OTHER guy who sings from the gut and writes it perfectly too. Bruce was incredibly nice, just down to earth cool guy no airs about him. Dinner ended and I thoroughly enjoyed my expensive pizza with The Boss at Santo Pietro's...
** [[w: Michael Griffin|Michael Griffin]], escape artist, as published in linkedin.

* Elvis is Dead And I Don't Feel So Good Myself
** [[w:Lewis Grizzard|Lewis Grizzard]], from his 1984 book of  the same title.

* So we made plans to go to a local football game, and a Greyhound bus pulled up in Graceland so we all got in, wives, girlfriends, everyone. We watched the game, had a great time. Before the end of it, Elvis wanted to leave, so the bus was now en route to Graceland when suddenly there was a railroad crossing, and a train stopped there, so we couldn't advance. Elvis opens the door of the bus, there is no one outside, very dark, ghetto territory, so Elvis keeps walking alone, goes through between two train cars, so I followed him, and we finally see a liquor store, with eight African American middle aged men  seated on the curb drinking. He walks up to each one, introduces himself as Elvis Presley and then asks, &quot;Does any one of you have a car&quot;? One guy says that he does, he stands up and says, &quot;Yes, I do&quot;, so now Elvis asks him if he can take us to Graceland. It was a very old Olds, with no windows. Elvis gets in, and off we go, me, Elvis, and three of the eight guys, to Graceland. En route, he said he would give them 100 bucks, but he had no money, and neither did I, or so I thought. Once we got to Graceland, they honked, but the guard does not recognize the car, so he goes back into the gate. Elvis stick his head out the window frame, orders the guy to open the gates. And then, what does Elvis do next? He takes the three African American guys he just met through a personal, midnight tour of Graceland. After that, he gives each a hundred dollars, the three bills I had in my pocket, all along, but didn't remember having. That was Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Dick Grob|Dick Grob]], Elvis head of Security, in an interview filmed in Memphis, in January of 2018, and as verified in a book by Shirley Connelly, a friend of the Presley family who was a witness on their arriving at Graceland together in the car that night.

*  The interesting thing about how that song came about was, it was a tribute song (for NBC's &quot;Elvis All-Star Tribute&quot; in 2019). We all got assigned different songs to sing, and that was the song they gave me. When I was talking to the producer and director of that show, we were discussing the fact that Elvis actually liked that song because it had classical roots, because it was based on (19th-century Italian song) &quot;O Sole Mio,&quot; and Elvis actually really liked classical singing. And in a lot of the songs that he sings, but especially on that one, he really opens up, he's more operatic. And so we really leaned into that. 
** [[w:Josh Groban|Josh Groban]], in an interview with John Staton of the Wilmington Star News  on how he came about performing &quot;It's now or never&quot;, and published on their July 11, 2022 edition.  

* The Writers Institute's intimate dinner gatherings – typically 10 or 12 seated at a round table with a modest buffet from our University at Albany campus food service – are a reminder that wonderful things happen when we turn off our mobile devices, make eye contact and actually engage in the give-and-take of dialogue. At a recent dinner, the conversation swung around a couple of otherworldly experiences. One story revolved around a &quot;possessed&quot; Elvis Presley clock, actually a detour into paranormal activity. The Lady who spoke and her husband, explained that they were both fans of Elvis so they made a pilgrimage years ago to Graceland, where they purchased a kitschy clock that featured Elvis swiveling his hips in sync to the movement of the clock's tick-tock. The batteries had long died, but they left the clock on the wall for sentimental reasons. A decade later, the Lady described that while she watched a recent documentary on Priscilla Presley, the clock surged back to life and Elvis began swiveling his hips once more after years of stoppage. I was the dubious journalist again, arguing that so-called dead batteries retain a small amount of voltage even though they stop powering a device. Sometimes, they mysteriously recharge, but she refused to yield to the notion that the clock's unsettling movement could be explained by natural laws...
** Writer and journalist Paul Grondahl, in an article entitled &quot;Dinner conversation returns one Elvis clock...&quot; as published on the [[w:Times Union (Albany)|Times Union]] on March 6, 2018

* In western art song and opera, voices like those of Kathleen Ferrier, Luciano Pavarotti or Maria Callas have the capacity to leap out from the score to touch anyone who has ever heard their unique sound. There have always been certain singing voices that seem to reach out and speak to something beyond most of the others. Some great voices do this, in part, because their distinctiveness is intimately associated with some large moral cause: Paul Robeson with racial justice or Joan Baez with civil rights, for example. Others achieve their connection by representing the zenith of a particular cultural tradition: Umm Kulthum in Egypt, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in Pakistan or Youssou N'Dour in Senegal. Still others uniquely embody a time and place in their art: John McCormack with early 20th-century Ireland, perhaps, or Édith Piaf with postwar Paris. In 20th-century pop music, the voice of Elvis Presley is as iconic and identifiable in the west as that of Teresa Teng – whose voice was memorably described as “seven parts sweetness, three parts tears” – is in the east. No list of examples will be exhaustive. There are, it goes without saying, many others. Yet when Rolling Stone selected Aretha Franklin as the greatest popular singer of all time, we all understood why.
** [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'s laud of Aretha Franklin, in an editorial published on the day after her death and entitled &quot;The Guardian view on the secret of singing: whatever it is, Aretha knew it!&quot;

* An evening auction of &quot;Post-War and Contemporary Art&quot; held by Christie’s of New York (USA) on 12 November 2014 raised a record art auction total of   $852,887,000 (£598,244,000). It featured works by artists including Andy Warhol, Roy Lichenstein, Willem de Kooning and Jeff Koons. Two silkscreen-on-linen prints by Warhol – &quot;Triple Elvis (Ferus Type)&quot; and &quot;Four Marlons&quot; – alone made $81.9 m (£57.5 m) and $69.6 m (£48.8 m), respectively.
** The [[w:Guinness World Records|Guinness World Book of Records]]'s  entry for the highest total to have ever been sold in a single art auction, the [[w:Triple Elvis|Triple Elvis]] being the top seller of the two-and-a-half-hour auction. 

* Elvis got that number and made it famous, but I didn't get a chance to shake his hand
** [[w:Arthur Gunter|Arthur Gunter]] bluesman who wrote &quot;Baby let's play house&quot; in 1954, a song covered by Elvis at SUN, in 1955 with the latter being on the one hand, the main inspiration for Jimmy Page's decision, at age 12, to take up a life in music, as well as the source of one of the verses of a Beatles's composition, namely &quot;Run for your life&quot;, on the other.

* But the core of the album, and perhaps the core of Elvis' music itself, are the soulful gospel-flavored ballads. Well, it's often seemed as if Elvis bore more than a passing resemblance to soul singer Salomon Burke. The way in which he uses his voice, his dramatic exploitation of vocal contrast, the alternate intensity and effortless nonchalance of his approach, all put one in mind of a singer who passed this way before, only going the other way. And here he uses these qualities to create a music which, while undeniable country, puts him in touch more directly with the soul singer than with traditional country music. It was his dramatic extravagance, in fact, which set him apart from the beginning, and it is to this perhaps, as much as anything else -- to the very theatrics which Elvis brought to hillbilly music --, that we can trace the emergence of rock &amp; roll.
** [[w:Peter Guralnick|Peter Guralnick]], who wrote major biographies on Robert Johnson, Sam Cooke and Elvis Presley, reviewing the album ''Elvis Country'' (1970), for ''Rolling Stone'' magazine in 1971.

* When one studies the properties of atoms one found that the reality is far stranger than anybody would have invented in the form of fiction. Particles really do have the possibility of, in some sense, being in more than one place at one time. Thus, and essentially, anything that can happen does happen in one of the alternatives which means that superimposed on top of the Universe that we know of, is an alternative universe where Elvis Presley is still alive. This idea was so uncomfortable that for decades scientists dismissed it, but in time parallel universes would make a spectacular comeback. This time they'd be different, they'd be even stranger than Elvis being alive. There's an old proverb that says: be careful what you wish for in case your wish comes true. The most fervent wish of physics has long been that it could find a single elegant theory which would sum up everything in our Universe. It was this dream which would lead unwittingly to the rediscovery of parallel universes. It's a dream which has driven the work of almost every physicist.
** [[w:Alan Guth|Alan Guth]], physicist at MIT, and narrator Dilly Barlow, as extracted from the BBC-TWO documentary &quot;Parallel Universes&quot; originally shown Thursday 14 February 2002

* So there we all were, Pete Seeger, Too Rodriguez and I, in Denmark, a few years after the fall of the Berlin Wall, playing at a Folk Festival with thirty thousand screaming, drinking, laughing, singing people. And we were all singing an old Elvis tune! It was then that I suddenly realized how proud I was to come from a country where our songs are known and loved all over the world, by all kinds of people. I also learnt a little bit about what folk songs are, or are not, in fact sometimes they are not even about anything. Again, there we were, singing an old Elvis tune that did not say anything about the state of the world, but boy, more was being said about who was singing it and about how they were feeling, than we trying to sing a lot of songs that try to say a lot of stuff...
** [[w:Arlo Guthrie|Arlo Guthrie]]'s inter-play with the audience as he sang &quot;Cant help falling in love&quot; with Pete Seeger on banjo, and Too Rodriguez on backing vocals as a tribute to Elvis, on August 8, 1993.

* I'm not much of an Elvis Presley fan, but when I found an &quot;Elvis 24 Karat Hits!&quot; LP a few years ago I played it once or twice and filed it away. In the midst of writing this review, I by chance played that LP again. This time Elvis spoke to me, his phrasing and power, and his band's rockin' rhythms got my juices flowing. The mmf-1.5 brought me closer to Elvis' music, something I had not ever noticed before...
** Steve Guttenberg, former projectionist and, in 2018, a [[w:CNET|CNET]] contributor, reviewing the Music Hall mmf-1.5 turntable for CNET on February 3, 2018

== H ==
* I had visited him several times back in April. No name marked the thick metal door that sheltered his loft from the neighborhood derelicts and crack vendors, and the ground-floor studio/kitchen/dining room looked both busy and cozy. The floor would always be covered with unstretched canvases in various stages of completion, and he would trot messily across them to fetch me a beer or tend to the spaghetti. The place looked lighthearted, with dark-side-of-Pop touches—portraits of Elvis and James Dean—and a giant birdcage adorned with a rubber bat and containing the bird's nest that he sometimes wore to parties. The only visible artwork not by him was a portrait of him by his one-time mentor [[w:Andy Warhol|Andy Warhol]].
** Art critic {{w|Anthony Haden-Guest}}, describing the ambiance of {{w|Jean Michael Basquiat}}'s loft in New York City, a few months before his untimely death on August 12, 1988, as published in Vanity Fair's November 1988 edition.

* I think and my roots are blues, country, soul and rock. Rock is fourth believe it or not. I did not start out playing rock; I started out playing blues and R&amp;B. When I was going back – my first musical experience with my father was listening to Hank Williams. And then Elvis Presley came along and my big sisters went with that, so that's really country/rockabilly/blues. So those are my roots and they are really starting to come out even deeper...
** [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]], frontman and guitarist for bands Montrose and Van Halen, the latter when replacing David Lee Roth.

* I once had a personal visit with Elvis Presley following his 1972 concert here in San Antonio. He had a deep sensitivity for the Lord, received Grammy's for his religious recordings, &quot;How great thou art&quot;, and &quot;He touched me&quot;, sang about heaven with a real passion and touched the lives of people even through a record. I know some of you are going to start writing me nasty letters for saying such nice things about Elvis Presley... Please... when you get to be perfect... then send me the letter.
** Sermon by [[w:John Hague|John Hague]], Pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas and also CEO of the non-profit corporation, Global Evangelism Television (GETV).

* Elvis touched the life of every ear that heard him, and you could not help to LISTEN while he sang.
** {{w|Merle Haggard}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I believe the three most important events of the 1950's were the Brown vs Board of Education decision, the building of Levitttown and the emergence of Elvis Presley.
** Writer and journalist {{w|David Halberstam}}, as noted in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I was asked who would be my dream opponent in the ultimate game of truth or dare, anyone, living or dead, and I picked Elvis Presley who I love so much that I named my dog after him.
** Actress and singer [[w:Lucy Hale|Lucy Hale]], in an interview with the Inquisitor, as published on 12 April, 2018.

* Ị've always been obsessed with Elvis Presley.
** Alex Hall, Canadian country music artist, as published in the [[w:Digital Journal|Digital Journal]]'s December 15 2018 online edition.

* He was already assured of his ability as a performer since he had been perfecting his style on the road for more than a year. If you look at that first appearance on Stage Show, you'll witness a young confident singer with his own unique style. He would enhance his popularity with five more appearances on Stage Show (February 4, 11, 18; March 17, 24) and would become a superstar by the end of that year. On that historic television debut of January 28, 1956, the spotlight was first shown on the two people who had made it happen – the promoter and the performer – disc jockey Bill Randle and the new singing sensation, Electric Elvis.
** Roger Hall, music preservationist and songwriter, in his essay &quot;Shake, Rattle and Roll: Bill Randle and Electric Elvis&quot;, Elvis Symposium (2003)

* I adored all that period in the history of cinema — everything that spilled forth from the Actors Studio. I actually wanted to be an actor before I became a singer. But when I was 12, I discovered rock ’n’ roll through Elvis Presley. He became a part of my life, had a great voice and was the first rock star I saw in the cinema. His voice, the way he moved, everything was sexy. The first time I saw him, I was paralysed.&quot; In fact, the day he died, my entire youth went with him.
** {{w|Johnny Hallyday}} French rocker, in a an interview for Canadian television in 2002 and with Fort Lauderdale's Sun-Sentinel in 2003.

* In 1957, I missed out on booking Elvis Presley by just $3,000 dollars, and Elvis unfortunately never played The Steel Pier or anywhere else in Atlantic City, ever. It was an unfortunate miss, to say the least. I had negotiated feverishly with Colonel Tom Parker to book him. It all came down to just a few thousand dollars. but I refused to budge on paying Parker’s demand.  This major loss taught me a valuable lesson. By 1958 I was determined to never again repeat that mistake which led me to the most iconic booking in Steel Pier history, which  became better known as the day Ricky Nelson “Rocked The Steel Pier, with  44,000 fans breaking   the all-time attendance record and physically moving the pier, leaving many to believe (Ricky Nelson included) that the pier would collapse into the sea
** {{w|George A. Hamid Sr.}}, recalling the lesson he learned by not booking Elvis in 1957, as told in an article entotled &quot;$3,000 More &amp; Elvis Presley Would Have Played Atlantic City’s Steel Pier&quot; and publishged in WPG Talk's 10 January 2022 edition. 

* The point of Elvis Presley was that, after a dismal eight years on the screen, he returned to the stage where he always belonged and to the grinding treadmill of being on the road, which has killed so many of America's artists; he may not have pushed the boundaries of music farther but when he opened his mouth to release that baritone – the only white voice that could ever match the blues-, all you could feel was his longing and your own stirrings.
** Adrian Hamilton, writing for &quot;The Independent&quot;, on August 14, 2002

* I went to Alana and told her that if she wanted to get married we'd have to get married right there and then. So we got married in Elvis's suite at the Las Vegas Hilton. Elvis was smart, would come over and sing gospel music and we'd have dinner. And I was at his funeral some years later. I flew in on his airplane &quot;Lisa Marie&quot; with the Sweet Inspirations. That was a freaky day when we took him out of Graceland to the cemetery and we were all in the white limousines. A very, very freaky day. Things happened that I'll never forget. The stewardess on the plane told me that his milkshake mug broke that day on landing. And when they picked me up they said the blanket in back, in his bed. had caught fire. And I saw for myself, when they brought his body out of Graceland this huge branch of a tree just cracked. Not some little willow. There was a weird energy happening there and you could feel it.
** Actor [[w:George Hamilton|George Hamilton]] on his marriage to Alana Stewart.

* In the 1956s to 1957s, I began to think about why artists were concerned with things that had nothing at all to do with their everyday lives. We all went to the movies at least three times a week in those days. But most of them returned to their studios and painted monochrome or abstract pictures. That's why I drew up a program in which I wrote down everything that seemed important to me for contemporary art. A kind of manifesto that I hoped would also interest my colleagues — but it didn'. My first artistic realization of this manifesto was the installation &quot;Fun House,&quot; which I designed for the London exhibition &quot;This is Tomorrow&quot; in 1956. In fact, visitors had to squeeze through a narrow corridor past pin-up pictures, hundreds of advertisements, movie posters and spinning color discs, while songs by Elvis Presley and Little Richard alternately blared from a jukebox. With the things I exhibited in the &quot;Fun house&quot;, I tried to reflect the young people's attitude to life. Music, science fiction movies, objects. I was pretty much alone in the exhibition with that. Everyone else was looking back rather than into the future. But it was my contribution that caused a sensation.
**[[w:Richard Hamilton (artist)|Richard Hamilton]], in  an article entitled &quot;Richard Hamilton: Father of pop art&quot; and published in DW-Top stories' 22 February 2022 edition. 

* In 1969, Elvis gave my father the chance to record a song called &quot;Angelica&quot;, a ballad which was originally meant for Elvis to record. Dad recorded it, but Elvis was very distraught when my dad fell ill then died from a massive stroke shortly after, so he not just sent my mother a rose each day dad was in the hospital but then when he passed away, flowers for the next six months...
** Roy Hamilton Jr, speaking to the BBC about the time his father, R&amp;B singer extraordinaire [[w:Roy Hamilton|Roy Hamilton]], who had been Elvis' greatest musical hero for over 22 years, passed away, and as broadcast in a BBC 4 television special on 29 December 2017

* I've heard some musicians say, ‘That man ain’t sayin’ nothing.’ It’s just a matter of rival performers trying to detract from those who are doing business. As far as I’m concerned, a man that sells that many records must be saying something to somebody.
** Jazz pianist and bandleader [[w:Lionel Hampton|Lionel Hampton]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as noted in a December 19, 1957 article in Variety. 

* When healthy and serious, he was flat-out the world's greatest singer. In his voice, he possessed the most beautiful musical instrument, and the genius to play that instrument perfectly; he could jump from octave to countless other octaves with such agility without voice crack, simultaneously sing a duet with his own overtones, rein in an always-lurking atomic explosion to so effortlessly fondle, and release, the most delicate chimes of pathos. Yet, those who haven't been open (or had the chance) to explore some of Presley's most brilliant work – the almost esoteric ballads and semi-classical recordings –, have cheated themselves out of one of the most beautiful gifts to fall out of the sky in a lifetime. Fortunately, this magnificent musical instrument reached its perfection around 1960, the same time the recording industry finally achieved sound reproduction rivaling that of today. So, it's never too late to explore and cherish a well-preserved miracle, as a simple trip to the record store will truly produce unparalleled chills and thrills, for the rest of your life; and then you'll finally understand the best reason this guy never goes away.
** Mike Handley, narrator and TV/radio spokesman, in the 'The Jim Bohannon Show', airing on 600+ radio stations on the Westwood One Network.

* If His Holiness  Pope Francis has 1,728 CDs in his music library,  I suspect that Elvis Presley'  “How Great Thou Art” may be one of his favorite. Not only is it ranked as one of the most popular hymns of all time, but Presley’s version even won a Grammy Award for Best Sacred Performance in 1967. If Mozart “lifts” Pope Francis to God, Presley's  “How Great Thou Art” is sure to at least make his soul sing.
** Keara Hanlon, writing for [[w:America (magazine)|America]] in an article entitled &quot;The Unofficial Pope Francis playlist&quot;, as published on their January 14, 2022 edition.

* At auction, there are many names with a stellar multiplication factor beyond the obvious entertainers, people who have influenced history as leaders, politicians, captains of industry, artists, musicians, sportsmen, people with personal qualities that resonate with a very large marketplace. Therefore, items with a connection to Princesses Diana and Grace, as well as to Audrey Hepburn, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Napoleon Bonaparte, Elvis Presley, Babe Ruth, Muhammad Ali and Yves St Laurent all command big prices at auction.
** Mike Hanlon, auction expert, in an article entitled &quot;The world's most valuable scientific books and manuscripts – an overview of the marketplace&quot; and published in the New Atlas, which he founded, in its edition of October 7, 2016.

* A style and panache that come close to pure magic. Lithe, raunchy, the sweat pouring down his face, he now moves with the precision of an athlete, the grace of a dancer, flamboyant and flashy, sexy and self-mocking, he works with the instincts of a genius to give poetry to the basic rock performance.
** W.A. Harbinson, from his 1975 book &quot;The Illustrated Elvis&quot; in a passage reflecting upon Elvis' 1969 Vegas engagement

* Elvis Presley was an important influence to my generation and we all loved him very much. I wrote a song called “All Over the World,” influenced so much by his ballad &quot;Where do you come from&quot; that the British musician I was working with, Charles Blackwell, put backing singers behind me who sounded exactly like the Jordanaires. I think that had something to do with the success that song had in England. Back in the ’60s, when Elvis wasn’t performing, I always said, “The day he comes back to the stage, I will go to see his show.” When it happened, at the beginning of the ’70s, I made the trip to Las Vegas. I was not disappointed at all. I was amazed.
**[[w:Françoise Hardy|Françoise Hardy]], France's top female singer-songwriter of the 1960's, in an interview with Pitchfork and published on May 9, 2018.

* As it is, polls show the public’s trust in the Knesset is devastatingly low. So, if you oppose the death penalty, the fact that the coalition is legitimizing it is a problem. And if you support the death penalty, the fact that this bill will probably change nothing is a problem. The same goes for any of the other bills. What the Knesset needs now is what Elvis Presley once called a little less conversation, a little more action – if only the coalition partners will let that happen.
** Lahav Harkov, in a [[w:Jerusalem Post|Jerusalem Post]] article entitled IN NETANYAHU’S COALITION, PARTIES JOCKEY FOR HEADLINE-GRABBING LEGISLATION, as published on January 4, 2017.

* During the course of their mili&amp;shy;tary action, they became the largest manufacturer of bikes in the world, and through their popularity their reputation and bold image be&amp;shy;came instant staples of the brand. Surprisingly, it was 46 years after the company’s founding that the black leather jacket famous with Harley riders emerged. The outlaw image of riders rocking their jackets on-top of their Harley’s transcended culture with movie actors, legendary singers and superstars, such as Marlon Brando and Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:Harley Davidson|Harley Davidson]]'s transition from its original US military mission to that of an iconic, culturally significant and globally accepted bike manufacturer, in an article entitled &quot;Harley-Davidson: The greatest story on two wheels&quot; and as published in the Times of Malta's February 24, 2019 edition.

* I pretty much started acting out of the womb, all kidding aside, it started when I was at Lebanon High school, actually at the library. It was not long after Elvis died when I had actually started listening to all of his records, so one of my buddies at the football team asked me to do my Elvis imitation, right there so I said I no, and then they said to just do it quietly, and I said that if I did it, it had to be loud, so I went into &quot;Teddy Bear&quot;, and they all liked it, and then they all started to move closer to where I was seated, so then I stood up and it was kind of festive, because it was around Xmas. And then I got on top of a table, and the response was so great that I sort of became a performer, without knowing it. What happened next is that Robin Rogers, a beautiful girl at the school, who knew me as &quot;the best football player&quot; and was there, came up to me and said that she was involved with the school theatre, and that I should join her there, and be an actor. So I did become one, and it was all thanks to Elvis and Robin...
** Emmy Award actor and activist [[w:Woody Harrelson|Woody Harrelson]], describing how he got into acting, in an interview with Jesse Wente, Head of Film Programmes at the Toronto International Film Festival.

* Some horses enjoy greater popularity after they've won the Derby. [[w:Silver Charm|Silver Charm]] who won the 1997 Kentucky Derby, today lives out his retirement at Old Friends Farm in Georgetown, Kentucky. The owners of the farm say that tours of Old Friends Farm have doubled since Silver Charm retired there, likening his appeal to that of Elvis Presley's.
** John Harrington, in an article entitled Most Iconic Horses to Race in the Kentucky Dwerby and published at WallStreetcom on may 1, 2019

* Atheism is not a philosophy, not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.”
** [[w:Sam Harris|Sam Harris]], author, philosopher, and neuroscientist, in A Letter to a Christian Nation

* Many people have been giving him trouble for swinging his hips. I swing mine and have no trouble. He’s got publicity I could not buy
** [[w:Wynonie Harris|Wynonie Harris]] from a 1956 interview quoted in 1956 in an article entitled, &quot;Harlem’s Wynonie Harris, the  Blues Shouter, Rhythm-And-Blues Singer, Who Inspired Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in Harlem World's January 9, 2022 edtion. 

* If ever there were a human equivalent to liver and onions—hated or loved, but no in-between—it was the late E. Hunter Harrison, personally synonymous with the term “Precision Scheduled Railroading,” and whose mention invokes often disquieting debate on theories of management and how best to deliver shareholder value in the short-and long-term. Say “Hunter,” and contemporary railroaders know precisely of whom you speak, a most complex disrupter of the status quo, equally identifiable in his bold pinstriped suits and excessive displays of rock-star-like bling conceivably masking an extension of his childhood infatuation with Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:E. Hunter Harrison|E. Hunter Harrison]], Chief Executive of four major North American railroads, in an article by Frank N. Wilner, entitled &quot;The Unfiltred genious of Hunter Harrison&quot;, as published in Railroad's 8 August 2018' edition..

* Baz Luhrmann's &quot;Elvis&quot; comes out in the summer, and I play B.B. King. That’s really cool, I’m really excited for people to see it. It’s going to be epic,”
** [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]], in an interview published  in the NME's 14 March 2022 edition 

* I met him later at Madison Square Garden. And at that time, I had my uniform, the worn-out denim jacket and jeans—looked like a rag-man and I had a big beard and moustache and long hair down to my waist. They took me to meet him and I'm sitting there, thinking &quot;Well, where’s Elvis, then?&quot; And finally he came out of the back and he was immaculate. I felt like a real grubby little slug and he looked like Lord Siva or something, seemed to be about eight feet tall and his hair was black and his tan was perfect and he had this big white suit, a gold belt about four feet wide and he was towering above me so I just put a hand out and said &quot;Hello, Elvis, how are you?&quot;—just cowering like this little rag-man. (In fact) we all loved him and he's still there in his spirit and in his music...ii) Jesus Christ said &quot;Put your own house in order&quot;' and Elvis said &quot;Clean up your own backyard&quot; so if everybody tries to fix themselves up, rather than trying to fix everybody else up, there won't be a problem.
**[[w:George Harrison|George Harrison]]'s account i) of talking to Elvis, backstage on June 10, 1972, from a ''Creem'' magazine interview in 1987 and ii) from Paul Simpson's The Rough Guide To Elvis p. 215

* If it once was assumed that Elvis fans defined themselves by class, and were predominantly from the lowers stratas, this is an assumption that has long been confounded. His fans are also Presidents, Prime Minister and royals. In May 2014, Prince William and his brother Prince Harry and their cousins went to Memphis for a friend's wedding. In spite they were born after Elvis death, the power of Elvis mystique made them pay their respects just like millions have...
**[[w:Ted Harrison|Ted Harrison]] in his book the Death and Resurrection of Elvis Presley.

* Red, maybe, but Reed was no Elvis
** [[w:David Harsanyi|David Harsanyi]] writing for the Denver Post on May 8, 2016, on the life of singer Dean Reed and the 1989 documentary about his life and entitled “American Rebel”

* He is visionary in the spirit of the savior of the venerable New York Times, [[w:Adolph Ochs|Adolph Ochs]] or, better yet, Elvis....
** [[w:Harvard University| Harvard University]]'s laud of [[w:Ted Turner|Ted Turner]],  in a speech welcoming him back after his not being accepted to attend the college 10 years earlier, as noted by Lisa Napoli of wbur's on her review of the book entitled  'Up All Night' and dated 12 May 2020.

* Presley's long-time manager admitted it to me, over tea, that the real reason why my attempts to bring Elvis to London had failed, was his own uncertain immigration status. Parker was an illegal and didn't want to risk leaving the US – so it was him, not Elvis,”
** Top world rock concert promoter and entrepreneur [[w:Harvey Goldsmith|Goldsmith Harvey]], laying to rest the long-running rock’n’roll mystery of why Elvis never performed outside North America, as published by the Guardian on 31 May,2015

* Elvis, they say, died in 1977, the very same year Orrin began serving in the United States Senate. At the White House, they had just a single medal for the two of them...
** About Senator [[w:Orrin Hatch|Orrin Hatch]], who his colleague Ted Cruz hinted (at a jesting dinner held at The Gridiron Club) might actually be Elvis Presley in disguise, in connection with their having been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom on November 16, 2018, by Pres. Donald Trump, and as reported by the Mail on December 3, 2018.

* Elvis always took the money, instead of whatever the more artistically fulfilling choice might have been.
** [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan Hawke]], as recorded for the 2016 documentary &quot;The King&quot; and in the course of an interview which took place while  relaxing  in the front seat of a 1964 Rolls Royce gifted by Elvis,   on July 4, 1968,   to [[w:SHARE Cancer Support|SHARE]],  a NYC based volunteer organization  dedicated to supporting breast  and ovarian cancer survivors,  so that they could auction it,    which they did that same year,  in the amount of  US$100,000, or the equivalent of US$850,000 in 2016 dollars.   

* Elvis Presley, the quintessential American singer. One of the most celebrated and influential musicians of the 20th century. Forty-one years after his death, he still commands a large and loyal following. His Memphis home Graceland has recorded over 20 million visitors since it opened to the public in 1982.
** Frank Hawkins, for [[w:American Thinker|American Thinker]], naming Elvis amongst the top forty Americans in an article entitled &quot;The greatest Americans of my 8 decades&quot; as published on September 14, 2018.

* I met him at the NBC set of &quot;Laugh in&quot; in June of 1968 because he used to rehearse in the studio for his NBC special that year. Anyways, in walks this guy, and he was soooo beautiful, that it just took my breath away, everybody's breath away. And he walked up to me, and he tussled my hair, and he said 'You look like a chicken that's just been hatched'. 'And I didn't know what to think, I thought it was a compliment. But my god, I've never met a guy with so much charisma in my life'
** [[w:Goldie Hawn|Goldie Hawn]], in an interview with UK show-host Jonathan Ross

* Elvis was a giant and influenced everyone in the business.
** [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I just loved him!!!
** [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hugh Hefner]]'s laud of Elvis on the day after he introduced Hefner to the audience at the Las Vegas Hilton, on January 29, 1974.

* I remember the revelation it was to me when I realized I'd rather be smart in the way Elvis Presley was than in the way, say, Ludwig Wittgenstein was. The thing was, you could imagine you could be smart like Wittgenstein by just thinking hard enough, but Elvis just had it. It was almost spiritual. A kind of grace.
** [[w:Richard Hell|Richard Hell]], singer, songwriter, bass guitarist, and writer, as noted ingoodreads.com

* We were on location in Crystal River, FL (Weeki Wachee Mermaid Show), where I had him all to myself when what seemed like thousands of people showed up to see him there. They were standing behind a wire fence meant to keep them away from him and I was really overwhelmed by it, because I'd never seen such madness for someone. He then sent me back to the place we were all staying and remained there signing autographs for about three or four hours. And I was so touched by that. He really revered his fans. He was lovely with them. I was very impressed and it was really one more thing to love Elvis for.
** [[w:Anne Helm|Anne Helm]], telling film critic John Beifuss about the time she co-starred with Elvis in &quot;Follow that dream&quot;, as published by EIN on their webpage on June 19, 2010.

* I got to see him twice. The first time he played the Catholic Club, which was like a gymnasium at the local Catholic high school. He and Scotty Moore and Bill Black — a three piece. He was hot. He wasn't famous yet but he was hot. I think he had put out, like, three records that I had heard. The girls were there, too and you couldn't really hear because they were starting to act up.
** [[w:Levon Helm|Levon Helm]], drummer for The Band, remembering a 1955 Elvis show in an interview with ''Entertainment Weekly''.

* These three people, John Wayne, Elvis Presley and Pope/Saint [[w:John Paul II|John Paul II]] they've left their mark on the world in a very good way. Out of all the movie stars, John Wayne was the biggest, and, in my eyes, the greatest singer of the century was Elvis. And, as to your question, the greatest holy man is John Paul II. In fact, he stands out from all Popes, bar none.&quot;
** Jacinta Henderson, from Belfast, being interviewed by the BBC in connection with Pope Francis' visit to Ireland in August of 2018 and answering, inter-alia, who her favourite Pope is.

* We were surprised when we received the certificate in the mail, and very honored. We had no idea. It’s interesting to know about all the previous Kentucky Colonels, amongst government leaders and others like Elvis Presley, George Bush, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Muhammad Ali, Norman Schwarzkopf, Tiger Woods and Pope John Paul II.
** Marlene and R.B. Henderson, on their having been commissioned, individually, as a [[w:Kentucky Colonel|Kentucky Colonel]], the highest honor awarded by the Commonwealth of Kentucky for Ambassadors of goodwill and fellowship around the world, as published in the 24 October 2018 edition of SWVA today.
 
* One of his favourite musicians to watch was Elvis Presley. In fact, Jimi specially idolized him, loved his music but more than that he liked the passion he showed on stage ii) He'd play for me all the time when I was a kid. After our mother was gone it was hard on me, and I had a hard time sleeping some nights. Jimi would hear me crying sometimes and come sit on the bed next to me and play me songs on the guitar to help me relax until I could fall asleep. He played a lot of Elvis songs to me, especially &quot;Love me tender&quot; and Heartbreak Hotel.&quot; iii) My uncle Al at the time was having financial difficulties so Jimi came to live with us, for about a year, and he would play the guitar on a broomstick, so at that time we are all listening to Elvis Presley. iv) In 1969, I was sitting next to Jimi when Elvis Presley's new Soulful recording of 'Suspicious Minds' had just came out and the DJ started playing it. Jimi reached for the radio, turned up the volume and started singing along. 'Great song'. He was excited Elvis was coming back with new music and live performing. v) Back at the BBC, he chose a bluesie list that included his tribute to Elvis Presley, with Hound Dog, a crowd pleaser which would start to creep into many of his later live shows.
** Elvis' huge influence on the 15-year-old Jimi Hendrix, in particular after seeing him live on 1 September 1957 at Seattle's old Sick's stadium, as published in Hendrix's biography by Lora Green ii) [[w:Leon Hendrix|Leon Hendrix]], recalling his older brother Jimi putting him to sleep, in 1957. iii) Hendrix's first cousin, from an interview included in 'The Jimi Hendrix Story episode 1'. iv) as told by Sharon Lawrence in his book ''Jimi Hendrix: The Intimate Story Of A Betrayed Legend''.

* You`ve got to be progressive. Take Elvis. He's still got plenty of fans and just look at the progress he´s made on his bank statements...
** {{w|Jimi Hendrix}}, ostensibly a reference to his having seen the 1968 TV Special a month and a half earlier and as noted by [[w:Tony Palmer|Tony Palmer]] in Jimi's Royal Albert Hall February 8, 1969 concert.

* I met Elvis in 1968 when he went to the clinic for treatment of saddle sores from riding horses. We treated him after hours. That night, I was in the room assessing Elvis, and he was sitting in the corner talking to me with his head down. I walked over, lifted his chin and said, &quot;Elvis, if you talk to me, you look at me&quot; I thought I was in trouble when my boss, Dr. Nichopoulos called me to his office and, with a solemn look on his face, asked me what I'd said to Presley. I told him and that is when he grinned and said &quot;He liked you...&quot;
** Letetia &quot;Tish&quot; Henley Kirk, Elvis' private nurse from 1968 until his death, telling how she ended up being his personal nurse, from her book 'Taking Care of Elvis – Memories with Elvis as His Private Nurse and Friend', a collection of short stories.

* He was so above the normal person, so intelligent and humble. But look at his voice, its tremendous range, his musical abilities. And he, I mean some men are good looking, some have great personalities but he had it all. And then, I was very surprised, because he used to love to recite the Lord's Prayer. And I was a Christian in my early childhood days, Mom even saying that we had a Bible on our dining room table. But I didn't really know, and I think Elvis was one of the little budding seeds in when we would have our spiritual talks. But I had no clue that an actor would have a love for God or even want to talk about the Bible. That was a surprise, a very pleasant surprise, and he had a part in turning my life around
** [[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|Susan Henning]], who appeared in an Elvis movie, and in a scene in the 1968 NBC special, recalling Elvis and his love of God in an interview with Elvis Australia, published on January 1, 2015.

* The day Elvis Presley died, which is her birthday, I remember her saying that she felt his spirit pass through her. It struck me as an arrogant statement. Now I'd be hard pressed to disprove it.
** Singer songwriter [[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]], speaking about his sister in law Madonna's reaction to the death of Elvis, as published in the New Yorker, on 10 December, 2017.

*  Think too of the impact on the U.S. of earlier immigrant groups that came in search of liberty. Without the scientists who escaped Nazism and fascism in the 1930s and 1940s—such as Albert Einstein, Enrico Fermi, John von Neumann, Leo Szilard and Edward Teller—there would have been no atomic bomb, and World War II would have likely ended with a slow, brutal invasion of Japan at a cost of many more lives. A particularly good parallel with the current plight of Afghans is the evacuation of 38,000 Hungarian refugees to America after the Soviet crackdown on the 1956 revolution, thanks to the Eisenhower administration’s Operation Safe Haven. Giving those victims of communism a home in the U.S. became a national crusade. Among those who broadcast the appeal was Elvis Presley on “The Ed Sullivan Show”; in 2011 Presley was posthumously named an honorary citizen of Budapest. ** [[w:Arthur L.Herman|Arthur Herman]], of the Hudson Institute, writing an opinion for the Wall Strett Journal's August 24, 2021 edition and entitled. &quot;Help Afghan Refugees and They’ll Help America&quot;

* At first it was funny, but then just sad. That's pretty much how many Indonesians felt when they saw pictures of politicians Fadli Zon and Setya Novanto at a 2015 press conference held by American presidential hopeful Donald Trump. It was hilarious because it was so unreal. First, how did they get there, and why? Of all the places to visit in New York, why choose Trump's campaign headquarters? Second, what's with the star-struck faces? Couldn't they play it a little cooler? It's Donald Trump, for heaven's sake, not Elvis Presley!
** Ary Hermawan, in an article dated September 8, 2015, for the ''Jakarta Post''.

* Elvis was both a now underrecognized figure of individual artistic genius and an acknowledged but increasingly underconsidered figure of cultural revolution. The democratic impulse behind rock 'n' roll – the union of black and white, urban and rural, sophisticated and rough – had had been a kind of subterranean reality, especially in the South, for years, but became a marketplace reality across the country at the moment of Elvis' mid-'50s emergence. It was driven by a post-war youth culture whose surfeit of discretionary income had the buying power to turn a pre-existing subculture into mass and Elvis into a star. Before, it may have seemed unlikely in a nation so divided that the many tributaries of American music, and the cultures they represented, could come together in one music and one man, though Elvis was only the brightest star in a broad constellation. Elvis was a figure of great disruption who became a figure of great unity, if only for a little while. Maybe this moment needs that reminder, if we can look far enough to Young Elvis to see it.
** Chris Herrington, writing for the [[w:Commercial Appeal|Commercial Appeal]] on the decision by President Donald Trump to honour him with the 2018 Presidential Medal of Freedom, as published in an article dated November 12, 2018 and entitled '̊What do Nixon, Clinton and Trump have in common? For now, it's Elvis̊̊&quot;.

* While others might have voices the equal of Presley's, he had that certain something that everyone searches for all during their lifetime...
** Singer [[w:Jake Hess|Jake Hess]], interviewed by Peter Guralnick, as noted in page 232 of his book &quot;The unmaking of Elvis Presley&quot;

* We would send him tapes of our games. Jim Brown was his hero.
** [[w:Gene Hickerson|Gene Hickerson]], Offensive guard for the Cleveland Browns of the National Football League (NFL) in a 209 film entitled NFL presents Elvis,

* One scene in Houston was illustrative of the feeling about Presley. While he performed from a portable stage in the center of the Astrodome, some 40 policemen and security guards lined the wall that separates the field from the audience. At one point, a youth in his early 20s walked through a gate and began strolling toward the middle of the field. When a policeman called to him, the young man began running deliberately toward the stage and Presley. Normally, this type of scene will cause an audience to applaud the runner or boo the police, but there was a clear feeling of tension in the Astrodome. What was the intruder up to? All too often, charismatic figures attract the unbalanced. There was an obvious, audible sigh of relief when a policeman tackled the young man a few feet from the stage. The concert resumed but it took a few moments for the audience's attention to return fully to the music. Perhaps more than any other scene in Las Vegas or Houston, the tension shown when Presley was threatened (even the vague possibility of a threat) demonstrates the unique bond between him and his audience. More than a performer, Presley is a phenomenon. It is his exceptional talent as a singer and showman that enabled him to attract his original audience and to attract a new one today. But talent is only one reason he wears a crown. The other reason centers around the special relationship with his audience
** Rock critic and biographer [[w:Robert Hilburn|Robert Hilburn]], for the Los Angeles Times in an article published on Sunday, March 15, 1970.

* There's also a special Elvis section, featuring vintage photos and artifacts such as a midcentury-era leather couch that provided a comfy seat for the crooner, some of which courtesy of late radio icon Tom Perryman, who helped a young Elvis get a foothold in the music industry, seeking out gigs in a variety of venues, from beer joints to the backs of flatbed trucks. Thousands of visitors stop by the exhibit annually to glimpse memorabilia linked to the “King of Rock and Roll.”
** Jacque Hilburn-Simmons, writing about the Elvis exhibit now permanently housed at the Gladewater Museum, in Texas, as published by the [[w:Tyler Morning Telegraph|Tyler Morning Telegraph]] on January 13, 2018.

* I visited eleven countries with Pres. Eisenhower during a massive 1959 peace-building campaign, took a helicopter tour of Washington with Pres. Johnson to see the devastation from the riots after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination, and stood on the South Lawn as a disgraced Pres. Nixon boarded Marine One for the last time and left the White House. I met Arnold Palmer when Eisenhower played golf with him at Augusta National, got the word that Elvis Presley had showed up unannounced at the White House’s northwest gate to talk to Nixon and was at Cape Canaveral to watch the Apollo 11 launch, which first put men on the moon.
**[[w:Clint Hill|Clint Hill]], from his autobiography ''Adventures of a Secret Service agent who served under five presidents''.

* It’s insane the charisma he had. I’ve never seen anything like it to this day. When I saw Elvis on television, I just fell in love with him completely. As a singer, I want to be able to relate to an audience like this man did. Of course, nobody can – he was the best there ever was.”
** [[w:Faith Hill|Faith Hill]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I wear glasses anyway but I wear slightly different ones, and when I'm not working, I tend to grow a bit of a beard or stubble. I very rarely get spotted, but if I'm shaved and I've got a suit on, then I do. But there are ways of not being recognised, just by not catching people's eye and walking fast,&quot; he explains. But I'm not Elvis Presley, I'm just some comic and I haven't been on TV for a while.
** [[w:Harry Hill|Harry Hill]], Irish comedian in an interview for the ''Irish Times'' published on 10 October 2016

* I don’t know about you, but when I see Bill Clinton I think of Elvis Presley. Tonight,the former president tried to ease the suspicious minds of Bernie Sanders’ supporters and make them feel burning love for Hillary Clinton.It was a complicated challenge: Improving the public perception of his wife, who is–in a word–unliked, while he's liked much more. Recounting how they met in college, he was charming. He credited her with inspiring his interest in public service. He made her sound committed, and tireless, while making himself sound like the second banana in their marriage.He called her the best mother in the world, his best friend, a change maker. But Bill Clinton has lost some of his Elvis: This wasn't his best speech; and I don't know if it will change a single vote. If Hillary Clinton wins, then Bill will also be moving back into the White House. So both are applying for jobs.In 1992, when he was a candidate, he told voters they'd “get two for the price of one” if he were elected. In 2016, that will be true again, if she is.
**[[w:Andy Hiller|Andy Hiller]] as published by 2016 Sunbeam Television

* Even in his laziest moments, Presley was a master of intonation and phrasing, delivering his rich baritone with a disarming naturalness. And when he caught a spark from his great T.C.B. Band, Presley could still out-sing anyone in American pop. You can hear it here on inspired versions of Muddy Waters' &quot;Got My Mojo Working&quot;(1971), Wayne Carson's &quot;Always on My Mind&quot;(1972), Chuck Berry's &quot;Promised Land&quot; (1975), McCartney's &quot;Lady Madonna&quot;(1970), Percy Mayfield's &quot;Stranger in My Own Hometown&quot;(1969), Dennis Linde's &quot;Burning Love&quot;(1972) and Joe South's &quot;Walk a Mile in My Shoes&quot; (1970).
** Geoffrey Himes, reviewing the &quot;Essential 70's masters&quot; box-set, for amazon.com

* Elvis Presley had an 8 year exclusive run at the Hilton, entertaining some 2.5 million people, enough to fill the Rose Bowl 25 times over, the city's all time most successful performer.
** Hotelier [[w:Barron Hilton|Barron Hilton]]'s words, as displayed at a plaque affixed to Presley's statue, now located at the Westgate Las Vegas Hotel.

* I am indebted to Scott W. Johnson, my fellow at the Claremont Institute, for many things over the years, but not many rate higher than his &quot;introducing&quot; me to Elvis Presley. I came of age (i.e., reached the 9th grade), just in time for the &quot;British Invasion&quot; and, despite my childhood memories, soon came to think of him as the ultimate in passe; so, I was astonished when Scott told me, a year or two ago, that in his opinion Elvis Presley was the greatest male vocalist of the 20th Century; I had never thought of him in that light, to put it mildly, but that conversation caused me to realize that I had never actually 'listened'; starting then, I did – with the aid of Scott's encyclopedic music collection –, so if you have never gotten past a cartoon image of Elvis, do yourself a favor and 'listen'.
** John H. Hinderaker, of the {{w|Claremont Institute}}, a Harvard Law School Graduate and expert on public policy issues, including income and race, as published in Power.Line, on January 09, 2007

* Even in those conformist years, though, rebels were tinkering at the edges. In 1939, Philly barber Joe Cirello, after experimenting on a blind boy who hung out in his Society Hill shop, invented the duck's-ass cut and rode it all the way to Hollywood. Elvis Presley raised a ruckus with his pompadour. In retrospect, it didn't take much to get hair's cultural watchdogs agitated. There's a famous photo of Elvis getting his hair cut in 1958 as he enters the Army. The barber took a whole inch off the sides. Still, girls wailed...
** Sandy Hingston, writing in the magazine Philadelphia, in an article published on 12 October, 2018.

* I just had to make my own version of one of my favourite songs from Elvis! The idea was to respect the original whilst adding my own “twist”. I had a hard time coming up with a cover art that would be “kitsch” enough for this one. Then I looked over at my cats and there they were – sleeping in an almost-heart-shaped position! Click! nyway, here is a song to get you in to the right mood while preparing for your Valentine’s Day’s date, or to send to your loved ones to tell them how important they are!“
** {{w|Sami Hinkka}}, Fnnish heavy metal bass player, dedication of   Elvis' Cant help falling in love on Velentine's Day, 2022 and as published on thaty date by Australia's Heavy Mag edition of February 14, 2022-.   

* It begins and ends in Sept. 1956 when he returned to his hometown to perform before an adoring, screaming crowd at the state fair. The documentary spends most the time delving into his childhood days in Tupelo, which included sneaking peeks into late-night blues joints and singing at black g̈ospel tent revivals. It's clear that Elvis Presley lived the music before he became a recording sensation.
** Mark Hinson, Democrat senior writer of the ''Tallahassee Democrat'' reviewing what he calls the nothing-fancy documentary “Elvis: Return to Tupelo” (2008), as published on 6 October 2016

* In the spring of 1957, if his life had taken a different path, it might have been possible to see Elvis filling out law school applications, or interviewing for his first job as college graduation approached. But the hardworking son of Gladys and Vernon Presley was already his family's sole breadwinner and already looking, at the age of 22, to purchase them a new home. He found that home on the outskirts of Memphis—a southern Colonial mansion on a 13.8-acre wooded estate. With a $1,000 cash deposit against a sale price of $102,500, he agreed to purchase the home called Graceland on March 19, 1957. He had already bought one house for his parents on Audubon Drive, in East Memphis, but that residential neighborhood had become overrun with gawkers and worshipers as Elvis became a megastar. There was also the matter of the growing entourage of extended family and friends around Elvis driving the need for a larger home base. Officially, Graceland was where Elvis, his parents and his grandmother Minnie Mae lived, but unofficially, it was also the home of the ever-changing cast of childhood friends who surrounded and often drew salaries from Elvis. Many girlfriends and one wife also came and went at Graceland during its 20 years as Elvis's base of operations. Today it is preserved precisely as he left it when he passed away, in his upstairs bathroom, on August 16, 1977. In the years since then, it has become one of the nation's most popular tourist attractions —the second-most-visited house in America after the big white one on Pennsylvania Avenue.
** The Editors of [[w:History (U.S. TV network)|History]] in an article entitled &quot; March 13, 1957, Elvis Presley puts a down payment on Graceland&quot;, as published in their online page on November 16, 2009.

* The opening flips between a fired up Elvis Presley and a leather-clad [[w:Blake Shelton|Blake Shelton]] trading verses on “Guitar Man” against a multi-level backdrop of silhouetted guitarists,then it closes with Shelton looking up as Elvis' image fades into the famous red lights spelling out his first name, basking in the glow of perhaps the greatest marriage of rock &amp; roll and television in history.
** [[w:Hits (magazine)|The Hits Daily Double]]'s laud of the 2 hour NBC Elvis All-Star Tribute to their 1968 Elvis Special,as published in its February 16, 2019 edition.

* When I met him, I had a very small role in his movie, “Live A Little, Love A Little,” but he was very kind to me. He didn't mind when I had to do 5 or 6 takes of a very simple scene. I guess I had expected him to be kind of wild and boisterous, but that was not the case. He ran lines with me, worked out a realistic way I was to knock him down in one scene, was friendly every day, liked jokes and told some good ones. I was smoking a Dutch cigar one day and, when he asked about them, I gave a few to Elvis. The next day, there was a whole pack of those cigars on my chair on the set. We talked about karate and he showed me some moves – even had the prop man set up a brick for him to break. He liked my square-toed boots and asked me where I got them – I heard he bought a half-dozen pair like them in all available colors. We also talked about things we did back home in Mississippi, like squirrel hunting. His boys were around him all the time – I talked a lot with Charlie Hodge. It was a memorable time. I never had any contact with him after that. I could not help but be impressed with how down-to-earth and laid back he was.
** Singer and actor [[w:Eddie Hodges|Eddie Hodges]], recalling the time he met Elvis at the MGM set in Los Angeles.

* And now, his  revolutionary approach to period sets, his signature life’s-a-party filmmaking, his bold visual style and his ability to create a cutting-edge soundtrack seamlessly blending old and new, all converge in a 2022 release we didn't realise how much we needed: ELVIS
** [[w: WhatCulture|Alisdair Hodgson]], on the forthcoming Elvis biopic by [[w: Baz Luhrman|Baz Luhrmann]], as noted in an article posted in  WhatCulture's March 24, 2022 edition  and entitled  &quot;Cannes 2022: 10 Films We Expect To See&quot;

* Elvis shifted our universe culturally like no one has before and he deserves to be treated like an historical figure, like Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, but instead he gets weighed down by sensationalism, and that keep us from the truth. In fact, his story is looked on as one of destruction, but it is a futile struggle to survive, through poverty and then through health issues.  It was hard to be Elvis, no one had done fame like that before, and no one else could do it for him. He was trying to function within his reality.
**  Sally Hoedel in her 2021 book &quot;Elvis; Destined to die young&quot;

* He's not more than 20 feet away, bigger than life. A face worthy of Adonis, with that innocent lock of hair hanging over his forehead and those bedroom blue eyes. The audience is deathly still, as if Pagliacci, the high priest in the white Superman suit up there was praying a collective prayer for all the shattered rebels of bygone eras. I think I see tears in his eyes, but can't tell for sure, seeing as how I am crying myself...
** Social activist [[w:Abbie Hoffman|Abbie Hoffman]], writing about his experince of  seing Elvis at Madison Sqaure Garden in June of 1972, in an article entitled “Too Soon the Hero.” and published in Crawdaddy in connexion with Elvis death.

*  Being around longer than other people, you can’t help but have a certain amount of wisdom that you wouldn’t have had otherwise, and it’s inescapable. I don’t know how you write this, but when I started out, if there had been something released even once a photograph of somebody giving somebody else a blow job, end of career. And now, it makes someone a star. That’s extraordinary. Elvis Presley was on the Ed Sullivan Show and they did not photograph him below the belly button, not his gyrations. I remember women, when I first went to New York to study, every once in a while you’d see a woman crossing the street without a bra, just in a t-shirt, and it was an event, it was extraordinary.
** [[w: Dustin Hoffman|Dustin Hoffman]] speaking about how the woerld has changed, in an interview published in &quot;That shelf&quot;'s March 26, 2015 edition.

* Sometimes I feel my life is very surreal (like when) I looked back the time we wanted to have a tour of Graceland and once there got what we were told was a special tour that was only given to rock bands. So we got to see things that everybody didn't get to see and had our own tour guide dedicated to us. The eternal flame at Elvis' tomb was out that day, so we stood around and sang “Heartbreak Hotel” ala Spinal Tap. Later on I recounted the story to Billy Steinberg and he said, wait-wait, stop-stop, it's a great story but why don't we write a song called “Eternal Flame”? And I said okay. So that's how it started. And along with &quot;Walk like an Egyptian&quot; they both songs went to #1 which was pretty amazing.
** [[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]], singer, guitarist and founder of the US all-women rock band [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], explaining to Classic Rock Music Reporter Ray Shasho how their biggest worldwide hit, &quot;Eternal Flame&quot;, which in early 1989 topped the charts in 9 countries in three continents, came into being and as published in their online page on June 28, 2014

* After we did the pool scene I went back to my dressing room and when I pulled the chord by the door, all of a sudden this huge flame fired at me, it was pouring out of the socket. I was so scared that I shouted for Elvis and so he came running back and pushed the door open, took me out of there and then he invited me to dinner. We talked a lot about the problems he was having, deeply concerned as he was about what was going to happen to him with the Army thing. That night I told him that he'd never have anything to worry about and that his big concern should be that nobody was ever going to say no to him. Now, during the shoot, we were in love and that is what made those scenes great because it was totally believable. It was so intense when we did it, and when we were on film that I even made things up so it was so off-the-wall. I mean, when we kissed and I said that I was coming &quot;all unglued&quot; , that was all an ad-lib.
** [[w:Jennifer Holden|Jennifer Holden]], one of his co-stars in Jailhouse Rock,in an interview with EIN in 1999.

* Riding a streamlined rock-and-roll beat, the singer's vocal swoops, slurs, hiccups, moans and growls added up to a new pop singing vocabulary that was instantly memorized by scores of imitators. The antithesis of a relaxed conversational crooning, Presley's style was fraught with tension and animated by an attitude of self-conscious melodrama, woving the whole unwieldy spectrum of pop singing – country-blues, Italianate crooning, Gospel, soul shouting, and honky-tonk yodeling – into an integral personal style. His crowning touch was to accentuate the spontaneously exuberant humor that had always been an ingredient of country, and the blues, but singing it in a way that seemed to poke fun at his own accomplishment.
** Stephen Holding, in the article &quot;A Hillbilly who wove a rock and roll spell&quot;, published by the New York Times on Sunday, July 19, 1987.

*  It was the summer of 1977. I was fresh out of high school, living on my own, generally disinterested in the church but not yet an atheist. Once a month I attended the church I grew up in, and sat with my parents. They'd be happy to see me in church, and afterwards I could score a good Sunday dinner and use the washing machine.Elvis Presley had died a few days earlier, and to my surprise the pastor mentioned it as he began his sermon.Except he didn't eulogize Elvis; he ripped the dear departed icon a new one. “He called himself The King. Well, he was the King of nothing. There is only one King, and that is Jesus.” he said. After about five minutes of Elvis-bashing and equating rock and roll to blasphemy,a Danny Wiggins stood up and said “You're just wrong. Elvis was a good man. He sang Christian music when he wasn't singing rock and roll and he never set himself up as a competitor to Christ. Everything you're saying about him is just not true.” And with that, Danny walked out of the sanctuary and out of the building, while the pastor and a few church elders called out after him. From a different section of the sanctuary, an older woman and her husband took their toddler and wordlessly followed Wiggins  out, while the pastor stood and sputtered at the pulpit. After a minute, he looked at his notes and resumed his sermon from the point he'd left off but the modern Exodus continued: two young men I didn't know walked out, followed a few minutes later by the only black guy in the congregation, and after that by a couple in their 40s.  By the time the sermon ended, eleven people had left. Several of the church's younger members who hadn't stormed out gave the pastor a piece of their mind afterwards.  That's my happiest memory of attending church. That minister had always been a mean old man, and he gave his congregation a choice — believe in God or believe in music. Several of them made a choice he hadn't expected. It was a Sunday that really rocked the church, pun intended.
**  Doug Holland,in an article entitled &quot;Eulogizing Elvis&quot;, as published in the [[w: Anderson Valley Advertiser| Anderson Valley Advertiser]]'s August 19, 2020 edition.

* So what happened to the gifted scholar who spent his years in Rhodesian jail to acquire a long list of degrees and whose only frivolity was his passion for Elvis Presley?
** [[w:Heidi Holland|Heidi Holland]], South African journalist and writer, in reference to {{w|Robert Mugabe}}'s love for Elvis, as noted in her bestselling book &quot;Dinner with Mugabe, the untold Story of a freedom fighter who became a tyrant (page xiv)&quot;

* They sent us all the songs they had clearance for and I wanted to do something that had not been done before, so that's why I chose Elvis' version of The Wonder of you. Not only I had already sang the others, but they would be much of a challenge. I wanted to &quot;jenifferize&quot; that tune and put my own stamp on it.
** [[w:Jennifer Holliday|Jennifer Holliday]], African American Grammy and Tony Winner, in an interview with &quot;Jet&quot; magazine, published on 23 June, 2006.

* None of us could have made it without Elvis
** [[w:Buddy Holly|Buddy Holly]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayf

*  He' just like Elvis, there will never be another like him
** About  [[w:John Holmes (actor)|John Holmes]], as noted by [[w:Don Fernando|Don Fernando]] in Jill C. Nelson and Jennifer Sugar's  2008 book entitled. &quot;John Holmes, a life measured in inches 

* This song I'm dedicating to a really good friend of mine who has passed on. One of the greatest ever entertainers. The song 'Tupelo', it was his favorite song of mine, and it's where he was born. Dedicating this to Mr. Elvis Presley. And I hope wherever he is, he's resting at ease.&quot;
** Blues Legend [[w:John Lee Hooker|John Lee Hooker]]'s intro to his touching tribute to Elvis, in September of 1977, from his live album ''Cream''

* He not only ate in Waco during his years at Fort Hood, but he slept here, too, and the house where he did is now open for others to do the same. The children of Eddie Fadal, a local DJ and businessman who befriended him when the rock 'n' roll star was in Central Texas, have repurposed their family's three-bedroom red-brick home at 2807 Lasker Ave. into a vacation rental with a '50s and '60s flavor and decorated with Elvis memorabilia. It's called, naturally, The Elvis House.
** Carl Hoover, writing for the [[w:Waco Tribune-Herald|Waco Tribune-Herald]], on 13 January, 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Elvis slept here: Waco house frequented by Presley to find new life as vacation rental&quot;

* I regret that it was not possible for me to see you during your visit to our HQ's. However, I do hope you enjoyed the tour of our facilities. Your generous comments regarding this Bureau and me are appreciated and you may be sure that we will keep in mind your offer to be of assistance.
** FBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J.Edgar Hoover]]'s letter to Elvis, dated January 4, 1971 as noted in page 4 of the declassified FBI Presley file which contains 663 pages.

* Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private. He has more hair on his sideburns than Bing Crosby does on his head.
** [[w:Bob Hope|Bob Hope]]'s thoughts on Elvis, as published on Scomedcom and on the book Bob Hope on TV.

* I spent my 71 birthday at his Graceland home, my wife decided it would have to be in his car museum and I even played on his last piano. In fact, President Clinton, who is also a great Elvis fan, recommended on the last time I saw him, to read &quot;Last Train to Memphis&quot;, and I have. I Love Elvis...
** {{w|Anthony Hopkins}}, in an interview at Jay Leno Tonight Show, broadcast on November 4, 2013.

* It was on a Sunday, on September 15, 1967, when a yardman who had worked at Graceland, went to Vernon Presley's nearby home to see about getting his job back at Graceland. Vernon told him the job was not available anymore as it had been a temporary one only, while the regular man, an African American was sick. The yardman complained that it was pretty raw to give his job to &quot;a negro&quot;, then left Vernon's home, after threatening both Vernon and Elvis. A half hour later, according to police reports, he appeared at the Graceland Gates, drunk, arrogant, cursing, then taking a shot at Elvis. He missed his target, and Elvis then knocked him to the ground with one punch.
** [[w:Jerry Hopkins|Jerry Hopkins]], in his book, &quot;Elvis&quot;, detailing the story of yardsman Troy Ivy

* I can close my eyes and remember the day my friend died. It was a hot summer day. He was someone I had never met, who never even knew that I existed. But he was someone who touched my life in a profound way, possibly even saved it in those lonely wee hours of the silent mornings when the demons made their play for my soul. My mom died in February of 1976, when I was 15. I felt lost, depressed, unwanted. I felt my mom was the only person that loved me, and that I would never know love again. And it got worse.I had never gotten along particularly well with my father, and that relationship withered and died in the years that followed. He told me he wished I had died instead of my mom, told me when I fell asleep that he was going to kill me. I spent many nights sleeping under my bed, or trying to surround myself with boxes as I slept sitting up in a corner of my bedroom. The time he stuck a shotgun in my mouth and said he was going to blow my head off, I no longer cared. I just closed my eyes and waited for the gun to go off. The truth is I wanted to die. I used to sleep with a loaded pistol pointed at my head, hoping that I would accidentally shoot myself in my sleep. I thought that I would never know sunshine again. But, through it all, when my thoughts darkened and I'd cry and wish I was dead, there was always one ray of happiness that winked through the storm. It was that friend, Elvis. When I was depressed—and that was often—it was usually the sound of Elvis's voice that brought me back from the edge of the abyss. Yeah, we never met, but he was my friend all the same. He helped walk me through a difficult time in my life and he's been there ever since. Elvis may have left the building, but he'll never leave my heart. I love you, Elvis; and thanks for being a friend.
** [[w:John Christian Hopkins|John Christian Hopkins]], member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe of Rhode Island, author of Carlomagno, and currently living on the Navajo Reservation as published on indiancountrytodaymedianetwork, and published on August 31, 2014

* Elvis invited me out to the 20th Century Fox recording studio. I was standing about five yards away from him, and he was singing into a mike and I couldn't hear him. I thought how strange it was. And then he asked for a playback and his voice came out and I thought 'Wow!' I knew so little about music, it was a different world to me, that he could be actually recording something that would come out that clearly, and yet I was like in touching distance off him and I couldn't hear his voice. I showed him around Hollywood and we got to know each other pretty well for the two weeks. He was a very sweet and innocent naive kind of guy
** [[w:Dennis Hopper|Dennis Hopper]], on being present during the recording sessions of &quot;Love me tender&quot;, as told to Trudie Forsher, engineer at the sessions, who kept it in her diary and as confirmed by top Variety magazine writer [[w:Army Archerd|Army Archerd]] in a document entitled &quot;Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1956)&quot; as digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from Media History Digital Library

* When Elvis Presley first hove into sight like a Kansas tornado on Milton Berle's show, I decided to have none of him. I've neither seen nor met him. l've been appalled by the whole Presley disease. But when I learned he was appearing at our Pan-Pacific, I asked Col. Tom Parker for a couple of tickets and' went; it was a shattering experience. Now I understand why 9000 people lost their minds over him. He's a split personality, young, likable, wanting to please; but when he went into his act, it was very like a neighbor of mine in Altoona who had fits, fell down and writhed on the sidewalk.Elvis rolled over and over on the floor still clutching the mike, but his performance isn't sickness, (in fact), whole families were there, nice people. Dozens of policemen surrounded the stage but turned their backs on Elvis to watch the audience and see that no one moved. They were told if they got up or walked down the aisle toward Elvis the show would be over. In former days police would have been looking at the performance. I've seen performers dragged off to jail for less. But Elvis' audience got the emotional workout of their lives and screamed their undying love for the greatest phenomenon I've seen in this century.
** [[w:Hedda Hopper|Hedda Hopper]],  America's top  gossip columnist,  reviewing the first of Elvis' two Pan Pacific performance for the Los Angeles Times and as vpublished in their October 31, 1957 edition.-

* We lived at Faxon and Stonewall. Elvis Presley and I were good friends and he liked to come over to my house because my mother would make him toasted cheese sandwiches and his beloved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Three years after graduation,  I received a phone call from Miss Ginny Allensworth asking me to come over to Humes and help Elvis with his English because he had been invited to sing on the Ed Sullivan Show. I laughed and said, &quot;Miss Ginny, Elvis wouldn't listen to me when we were in school and I doubt if he would listen to me now.&quot; I did meet Elvis at Humes and he agreed to let me coach him. After talking for a while, he said, &quot;Well, if you are so intent on helping me, why don't you come to New York, too, to be sure I do it right.&quot; I ended up backstage at the Ed Sullivan Show and got to see Elvis perform....
** Bobbie Horne, Elvis' classmate at [[w:Humes High School|Humes High School]],  telling how she ended up accompannying him to his 2nd appearance at the Ed Sullivan Show, as noted in the Class of 1953 werbsite page.   

* I would like to make this like Elvis Street, Elvis Presley. Aretha Street. Aretha Franklin. Her museum and whatever else we can do around here
** Vera House, owner of the home in Memphis, at 406 Lucy Avenue, where [[w:Aretha Franklin|Aretha Franklin]] was born on March 25, 1942, as told in an interview with WALB Channel 10, immediately after it became known that donations paid off all taxes owned by her, thus making it easier for the city to include the home as a tourist attraction.

* Elvis loved gospel music, he was raised on it, and he really did know what he was talking about; we would jam with him for an hour, and he had a feel for it and was &quot;tickled&quot; to have four &quot;church sisters&quot; backing him up; he was singing Gospel all the time, (in fact), almost anything he did had that flavour. You can't get away from what your roots are.
** [[w:Cissy Houston|Cissy Houston]], mother of [[w:Whitney Houston|Whitney Houston]], and a founding member of the &quot;Sweet Inspirations&quot;, one of the Gospel Groups who backed Presley in his live performances, from 1969 until his death, as told to Jerry Helligar in an interview published in &quot;True Believer&quot;, at classicwhitney.com (10 August 1998)

* We were all in a room with my mom and the Sweet Inspirations and this man walks in, with a mink coat, glasses and it wasn't like you say &quot;Nice to meet you, Elvis&quot;. In fact, you don't really JUST meet Elvis, you LOOK at Elvis. Amazingly beautiful
** {{w|Whitney Houston}}, recalling his meeting Elvis as a 6 year old for Access Hollywood, on November 10,2011.

* Elvis' early vocals, was a witches' brew of gospel swoops, falsetto shrieks, growls, howls, and scat...an anthem to human cockiness, to the healing, transcendent powers of the life-force...
** Edwin Howard, of the &quot;Memphis Press Scimitar&quot;, on Elvis' first recordings at the Sun Records label, as published in &quot;Q&quot; magazine

* Afer Elvis Presley, nothing was the same. Rock ’n’ roll might have emerged in the international consciousness 10 months earlier with &quot;Rock Around the Clock&quot;, but nobody wanted to be Bill Haley. Everybody wanted to be Elvis. If you didn't want to be Elvis, you wanted to be with him. With a series of now legendary — and at the time risque — TV appearances on Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey's Stage Show and the Milton Berle Show, &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; rose quickly to No 1 by April 21, 1956. It stayed there eight weeks. Presley, with his first million-seller, had rearranged the musical and social landscapes of a changed America. He was just 21 years and 137 days old. He had 21 years and 30 days to live.
** Alan Howe, writing for [[w:The Australian|The Australian]] on 3 January 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Heartbreak Hotel:Epochal moment in popular culture&quot;

* So what it boils down to was Elvis produced his own records. He came to the session, picked the songs, and if something in the arrangement was changed, he was the one to change it. Everything was worked out spontaneously. Nothing was really rehearsed. Many of the important decisions normally made previous to a recording session were made during the session. What it was was a look to the future. Today everybody makes records this way. Back then Elvis was the only one. He was the forerunner of everything that's record production these days. Consciously or unconsciously, everyone imitated him. People started doing what Elvis did.
** Bones Howe. recording engineer, as quoted in ''Elvis, A Biography'' (1971) by Jerry Hopkins.

* I am over the f.....g moon, I can't wait, so proud of my honey
** Actress [[w:Vanessa Hudgens|Vanessa Hudgens]], upon learning her 7 year companion Austin Butler was being cast to play the role of Elvis Presley in Australian director Baz Luhrman's 2020 biopic and as published in Billboard's July 16, 2019 edition.

* 'Baby, if I made you mad/Something that I might have said?/Please forget the past/The future looks bright ahead/Don't Be Cruel', As Elvis said, it's tempting to forget the past, and look ahead to a brighter future. I suppose that's especially common in the halls of government...
** Bill Hudson, writing for the [[w:Pagosa Springs, Colorado|Pagosa Daily Post]], which he founded in 2004, in an article entitled The Limits of a Recreation Economy, as published on their December 26, 2018 edition.

* Walter Anderson, B.B. King, Jim Henson and Elvis Presley, these are artists who have had a lasting impact on Mississippi culture. That is why the “Mississippi to THE MAX” project is being put in place for elementary school students throughout Meridian Public schools. We contracted with a local teaching artist who wrote four lesson plans integrating social studies, math, science and reading, along with the arts,” In February after all these lessons are taught, our fourth grade students will go to the MAX museum and they will get to see our exhibits there. And in addition to the usual exhibits, they’ll get to see the brand new Jim Henson exhibit. Only fourth grade students are a part of this project since Mississippi history is a topic in their social studies curriculum. And it’s so important I believe for our students to understand that Mississippi has produced some of the greatest, most well-known artists of our time. And the impact that those artists have had on our culture, as well as the nation’s culture, and the world.
** Clair Huff, Art coordinator for the [[w:Meridian Public School District|Meridian Public Schools]] for ABC Channel 10's Mississippi to THE MAX, as broadcast on January 11, 2019.

* Now, to skip a half century, somebody is going to rise up and tell me Rock and Roll isn’t jazz. First, two or three years ago, there were all these songs about too young to know—but. The songs are right. You’re never too young to know how bad it is to love and not have love come back to you. That’s as basic as the Blues. And that’s what Rock and Roll is— teenage Heartbreak Hotel—the old songs reduced to the lowest common denominator. The music goes way back to Blind Lemon and Leadbelly—Georgia Tom merging into the Gospel Songs—&amp;shy;Ma Rainey, and the most primitive of the Blues.(2) It borrows their gut-bucket heartache. It goes back to the jubilees and stepped-up Spiri&amp;shy;tuals—Sister Tharpe—and borrows their I’m-gonna-be-happy-anyhow-in-spite-of-this-world kind of hope. It goes back further and borrows the steady beat of the drums of Congo Square—that going-on beat&amp;shy;—and the Marching Bands’ loud and blatant yes!! Rock and Roll puts them all together and makes a music so basic it's like the meat cleaver the butcher uses—before the cook uses the knife—before you use the sterling silver at the table on the meat that by then has been rolled up into a commercial filet mignon. A few more years and Rock and Roll will no doubt be washed back half forgotten into the sea of jazz. Jazz is a great big sea. It washes up all kinds of fish and shells and spume and waves with a steady old beat, or off-beat. And Louis must be getting old if he thinks J. J. and Kai—and even Elvis—didn't come out of the same sea he came out of, too. Some water has chlorine in it and some doesn't. There're all kinds of water.
** [[w:Langston Hughes|Langston Hughes]], African American poet, social activist, novelist, playwright and columnist, from Jazz and Communication: Poetry Foundation.

* Interest on Elvis has helped generate $3.2 billion in tourism and create 35,000 jobs in our city. In fact, it was the opening of Graceland that was the beginning of tourism as we know it today, in Memphis...
** Jeff Hulett, director of public relations for the Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau, as published on the Star Tribune, on August 31, 2016

* I have been praying for you for many years, you are my bellsheep, I said to him. He didn't know what that meant, so I explained, that in a Holy Land there is one sheep with a bell, so when he moves, the bell makes noise, and they all go his way. So I then told him that I will be praying so that he will have the spiritual experience to lead million of people to our Lord. And it was at this time that he was so moved that he began to weep and his body began to tremble, and I had a prayer with him, asking the Lord to give him strength and peace, through the Holy Spirit. Suddenly, his daughter Lisa Marie came in, and she asked me, &quot;Why is my dad crying&quot;, and then he gently touched her head, asked her to wait outside, and closed the door. I told him that there were many people outside waiting for him, and he said. &quot;No, not now, I want us to stay here, please don't leave me.
** The Reverend [[w:Rex Humbard|Rex Humbard]]'s recollection of the first time he and Elvis prayed together.

* When Elvis first started at Humes, he was really poor. The office sent a letter home about a classmate who couldn't come to school when the weather was bad because he had holes in his shoes, had no warm coat and needed a haircut. It didn't name him, but we all knew who it was. My mom gave me some money and a jacket she had bought for my brother Bill. I was so proud to take the jacket and the money to the office. My parents had hearts of gold. Now, whenever he walked by any one of us, we would look at each other and laugh and giggle. One day he asked one of our classmates why we laughed when he walked by. She was so dumbfounded that she blurted out &quot;It's because we think you are so good-looking.&quot; I guess he was surprised also,so he just broke into a grin and walked away.
** Betty Jean Moore, Liliane Jenne and Rose Howell, three of Elvis' classmates at {{w|Humes High School}}, recalling some of their feelings about Elvis during their high school days at Humes.

* The show I will never forget and that influenced my soul as a performer was in Las Vegas. As soon as the signature intro began, it was like being transported to another world. The anticipation of him walking onstage was electric. Last-minute big shots and their girlfriends handed maître d's thick tips to get closer. His show was so polished and took you on a journey that made you laugh and cry. He was filled with humility and charisma and tongue-in-cheek humor. It was a total roller coaster. The audience was just as exhausted as he was by the end of the show. Backstage, {{w|Roy Orbison}} and I — both quiet and shy — waited with our own guests for Elvis' second entrance, this time to greet us. He bumped his head and said, “I never could figure out how to get out of that door.&quot; That was a pretty good icebreaker. Elvis was concerned as he sat down to chat. “Did I introduce you OK?&quot; Ha! I was in awe and he was worried about my intro. I wish I'd had an iPhone! About 4 years earlier, when I first met him, he didn't shake my hand, he embraced me. And I thought &quot;My god, I couldn't believe it. We became friends. He was one of the greatest, most affectionate people I have ever met.
** {{w|Engelbert Humperdinck}}, in an interview for The Record.com, as published on 4 October, 2016 and from an article published at LA Weekly on February 14, 2019 and entitled &quot;The best gig I ever saw&quot;, recalling the evening show of December 4,1976, which he attended in the company of Roy Orbison and a few of their friends.

* In the end, though, it is his voice above all, that lives on; from the very beginning as a bright and eager youngster capering around the SUN studios, excitedly hammering together two musical styles to create an unforgettable allow, all of his own, right up until the later years, spent booming out ballads in the massive auditoria that were his domain during the seventies – even during the frequently written-off Hollywood years-, his voice never let him down; it is impossible from this perspective to imagine a world without Elvis, his voice booming out from radios and computers, from spaceships circling the further reaches of the galaxy, his voice echoing back; (in fact), it is almost inconceivable that any single individual could have made such a mark.
** Patrick Humphries discussing Elvis' voice, in his introduction to his book ''The Secret History of the Classics''

* We spent the day together, singing 'I Almost Lost My Mind' and other songs. He is very spiritually minded, showed me every courtesy, and I think he's one of the greatest'
**{{w|Ivory Joe Hunter}} rhythm-and-blues singer, songwriter, and pianist, recalling the time Elvis invited him to Graceland, in 1957, as published in Elvis Presley photos com

* The Democratic majority has gone angling for headlines and air-time. On the other side, the Republicans are sycophants who conjured up every conspiracy theory short of blaming the Russian probe on Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Al Hunt|Al Hunt]], commenting on Pres.Trump impeachment efforts in an article published in The Hill' 6 August 2019 edition

* It is a daunting task to unveil a sculpture of a man who is still one of the most recognised figures in the world, 40 years after his death, but I am honoured to be given the chance.
** New South Wales Governor Gral. [[w:David Hurley|David Hurley]], after removing the cover of a bronze statue of Elvis in Parkes, Australia, in an interview with Mark Rayner for the South Parkes Post, and as published on January 14, 2018.

* I was always struck by the idea that when John Lennon was singing back in Germany, he was trying to be Elvis Presley, but it was nothing like Elvis Presley. That's very exciting to me that you can be inspired by something so much that it drives you to this point, but nobody outside of yourself can see that that is where it's coming from.
** [[w:Ted Hutt|Ted Hutt]], UK Grammy Award winning music producer, musician and song writer, one of the founding members for the bands Promise, Great Unwashed, Gods Hotel, Reacharound, and Flogging Molly, in an interview with Musicradar published on July 22, 2018.

* One thing Cary did admit when we worked together in 1966, – the two of us, sitting talking between scenes, was that he had a crush on Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Jim Hutton|Jim Hutton]], as quoted in Cary Grant, the loves of his life, by historian Alan Royce

* As long as I can continue doing what I love, I don't care how I'm described. Maybe I should be flattered – after all Elvis was a kind of revolutionary. Actually, if he had trained he might have been a great opera singer.&quot;
**{{w|Dmitri Hvorostovsky}}'s answer to Peter Culshaw's question on how he feels to have been labeled the &quot;Elvis of Opera&quot;, in an article published by the Telegraph on April 9, 2002

== I ==

* Elvis or Elvis Presley
** Definition of the word [[w:Icon|Icon]], or [[w: Pop icon|Pop icon]], as exemplified by the i) Urban, ii) Free, iii) Merriam Webster, iv) Vocabulary, v) Thesaurus vi) Babylon and vii) Wikipedia dictionaries.
* Early in Eric Idle's &quot;sortabiography&quot;, &quot;Always Look on the Bright Side of Life&quot;, the comedy legend describes how, in the brutal, abusive environment of the Royal Wolverhampton School, it was Elvis Presley who saved his life. The curative power of rock'n'roll kept the spark alive in boys who might otherwise have lost all hope in a cold world. How does it feel, then, a good six decades later, for Idle himself to know that for someone like me, he IS Elvis?
** Ben Pobjie' s laud of UK comedian {{w|Eric Idle}}, who he interviewed for an article published at WAToday, on November 14, 2018

* My only idol is Elvis Presley, I have all his songs and a number of his films at my Miami apartment.
** Pop singer {{w|Enrique Iglesias}}, son of {{w|Julio Iglesias}}  in an article published in Colombia's El Tiempo' s Septiembre 1, 1997  edition.

* Sinatra and Elvis were geniuses, I am not. In fact, I analyzed the singing of Sinatra, Elvis, Nat King Cole, and Marvin Gaye, and they all sang from the gut. They are my favorite singers. In fact, I haven't bought an album in thirty years but you can always catch me listening to Elvis and Marvin Gaye. Of all of them, Elvis is the biggest phenomenon that popular music has experienced in the last 50 years.
** {{w|Julio Iglesias}} Spanish biggest music superstar in an interview with El Periodico, published on August 1, 2016 and in interview for Chilean television in 1981.

* As far as famous people go, once you're known by a single name, you're on a whole different level. Madonna. Bono. And of course, the biggest celebrity of all: Elvis. And if you think of an Elvis recipe, likely only one dish comes to mind, which makes Elvis' Grilled Peanut Butter And Banana Bacon sandwich the greatest celebrity recipe of all time.
** Gwen Ihnat, Deputy Managing editor of &quot;The Takeout&quot; and a staff writer for {{w|The A.V. Club}}, in an article published on August 14, 2018

* Our route home from the library took us east on Main Street. As we passed city hall, I happened to glance over, and there on the grassy field, perhaps the most prominent spot in the town, was a statue of Elvis mimicking the pose from the iconic 1956 photograph of him performing at the Mississippi-Alabama Fairgrounds in Tupelo. Somehow -- and I'm not sure how to put it into words -- my feelings about the man had changed from what they had been two hours earlier. No longer did I see Elvis as the one-dimensional character whose on-stage flamboyance spawned hundreds of impersonators, but rather a shy, ambitious country boy intoxicated by the richness of the music all around him, who absorbed that music and made it uniquely his own.
** [[w:Birney Imes|Birney Imes]], former publisher of The Dispatch, after attending a presentation at the Tupelo, MS, Public Library by Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick, in an article entitled ̊&quot;Partial to Home: Elvis reconsidered&quot;, as published in their April 13,2019 edition.

* Results were calculated using a song's beats per minute (BPM) and energy to determine how fast, loud and noisy a track feels. To ensure safer driving, the music you listen to should mimic the human heartbeat, with a BPM that falls in-between 60 and 100. The Vehicle Finance Provider [[w:Provident Financial|Moneybarn]], after analyzing almost one hundred of the most popular Christmas songs, ranked Elvis &quot;O Little Town of Bethlehem&quot; as the fifth safest, with &quot;Carol of the Bells&quot; by John Williams being the safest, and ̊&quot;Underneath The Tree&quot; by Kelly Clarkson, the least safe.
** Study published by [[w:i (newspaper)|inews]] in an article entitled ̊&quot;The most dangerous and safest Christmas songs to drive to̊&quot;, as published on December 18, 2018.

* Who would have thought, as a young kid walking along the streets of Birmingham, that I would one day be mentioned in the same breath as Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], English songwriter, lead guitarist and one of the founding members of Black Sabbath, commenting on his being recognized with a Grammy Lifetime Award in 2018, as noted by Birminghamlive on December 23, 2018.

* We've played this song for a couple of years now and we really wanted to capture it live so we recorded it acoustically for the 7 inch... it's a well travelled song – not just for Elvis, and one that means so much to us and our journey so to say we're proud of it coming out on vinyl is a massive understatement
** Taylor Jones, of [[w:Into the Ark|Into the Ark]], the Australian duo which participated, went to the finals and ended up as the runners up in the 2017 season of The Voice, speaking about their video, a cover of Elvis' &quot;Burning Love&quot; as published in Entertainment Focus on January 4, 2018.

* At a certain point, the absurdities pile one on top of the other to such a height, that any form of denial of history is legitimated by the UNESCO approach. If there are no Jewish ties to the Temple Mount, one might as well say that Elvis Presley signed the American Declaration of Independence, such is the level and the type of discourse UNESCO is engaging in.
** Abridged from an editorial by the Intermountain Jewish News, strongly remonstrating how UNESCO is now handling the affairs of the Jewish state, as published on their online page on October 20, 2016.

* While in Italy, my brother Ira got a guitar and visited a teacher for an introductory lesson. He saw the teacher's long nails on his right hand and was told that he would have to practice classical music. Absolutely not, said Ira, I want to be Elvis Presley. So then I volunteered to take his place and had an instrument custom-made, just to know that it was something personal, that I wasn't sharing it with other kids, like a piano, and that impressed me. It was something I could cradle and caress. When you hold a guitar, it becomes part of you. You can feel the vibration. I was a shy kid. So being able to play something that wasn't loud and bombastic, it expressed my own feelings.
** [[w:Sharon Isbin|Sharon Isbin]] classical music guitarist and founder of the Juillard School's Guitar Department, explaining to reporter Michael Anthony of the Minnesota Post how she came to love the guitar, during her early years in Italy, as published in the 21 November 2014 online edition of the MINNPOST

* Elvis' initial hopes for a music career involved singing in a gospel male quartet. His favourite part was bass baritone, and he himself had an almost 3-octave vocal range... Yet to posterity's surprise, such a superlative and magnetic natural talent always remained humble --perhaps too humble to keep performing forever.
** IMDb's review of his appearance in Frank Sinatra's 1960's &quot;Welcome Home Party for Elvis Presley&quot; TV special.

* A lot of people are knocking this Elvis Presley guy, but I think he's all right.
** [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Ives]] in the book The Last word, page 27,

* Elvis Presley, the first and greatest American rock-and-roll star, whose throaty baritone and blatant sexuality redefined popular music, was found dead at Graceland, his home in Memphis, yesterday at 2:30 PM. He was once the object of such adulation that teen-age girls screamed and fainted at the sight of him, but was also denounced for sexually suggestive conduct on stage. Preachers inveighed against him in sermons and parents forbade their children to watch him on television. In his third television appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, his act was considered to be so scandalous that the cameras showed him only from the waist up. He was more than a singer--he was a phenomenon and a show-business legend before he was 25 years old as well as the highest-paid performer in the history of the business by the time he reached 30 years of age. In the spring of 1958, he was drafted into the US Army as a private, an event that caused as much stir as an average Super Bowl. &quot;The Pelvis,&quot; as he was known, was stationed in West Germany for two years and was given an ecstatic welcome home by his fans. In 1967, Mr. Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu, the daughter of an Air Force colonel he had met during his military service, and had a daughter named Lisa Marie. Although concrete details of their private life remained sketchy through his deliberate design, the fan magazines were full of reports of marital difficulties, and the couple separated then divorced in 1973. He was a generous and often sentimental man who gave Cadillacs away with startling frequency, from time to time seeing some stranger, nose pressed against a car-showroom window, and inviting the person to go inside and pick out the color he or she liked best after which he would then pay the entire cost of purchase, on the spot. Mr. Presley's movie career ended a year after he had triumphally returned to television, with critics remarking on how little he had aged. He kept in shape for years with karate, in which he had a black belt, but his penchant for peanut butter and banana sandwiches washed down with soda finally caught up. After his death became known yesterday, radio stations around the country began playing nothing but Presley records. At his death, he had been an indelible part of the nation's musical consciousness for 20 years. He is survived by his 9-year-old daughter Lisa Marie, his father and grandmother, all of whom happened to have been at Graceland on the day of his death,.
** [[w:Molly Ivins|Molly Ivins]]' abridged laud of Elvis, as noted in his New York Times' obituary, as published on its August 17, 1977 edition

== J ==

* At one point during our downtime while in Lake Tahoe, my brothers Jackie and Michael must have wandered off, as they found themselves in one of those wide service type elevators. There they were, watching their feet when the elevator stopped, opened and then.. Elvis entered. &quot;You're those Jackson boys? he asked. They nodded, dumbstruck. You would think that having met Smokey Robinson, Sammy Davis and Jackie Wilson, that nothing could faze you, but the randomness of that shared elevator ride was the biggest unexpected thrill for them. Not that it lasted long. After a few seconds, and with a &quot;Good luck fellas&quot;, he was gone. But that was the day Michael would meet the future father in law he would never know.
** {{w|Jermaine Jackson}}, recalling, in his biography, how mad that made him feel, the fact he was not at that elevator.

* I consider Elvis an unacknowledged pioneer in the black rights movement. Elvis had to fight with racism too, at the beginning of his career, with the major radio networks refusing to play his music because it was black music. Elvis broke the barriers and ever since, black musicians had a door open.
** {{w|Jesse Jackson}}'s laud of Elvis, as broadcast in a video made by the Civil Rights.History.com channel. 

* He had been invited by {{w|Charles Evers}}, brother of slain civil rights activist {{w|Medgar Evers}} to perform with Mahalia at an event in Mississippi but had to decline due to previous scheduled engagements. But being a fan of Mahalia's since he was a child, he found out she was visiting in town not far from where he was filming his movie at the time and he sent for a car to bring Mahalia to visit him on his movie set. Witnesses said it was one of the few times he appeared legitimately starstruck, to the point of emotional. When Mahalia arrived on the set and he first saw her he ran across the room pulling a chair over next to his chair to have her sit and relax where he could spend time visiting with her between filming scenes. Elvis spent a lot of time just looking at her adoringly and started to say something to her about growing up hearing her music but also telling her she reminded him of someone. Then she said Elvis's voice trailed off as he seemed lost in thought, but they presumed he was about to tell her she reminded him of his own mother. At one point he did in fact look at her and said softly &quot;Mahalia, you're just like my Momma...&quot;. Mahalia was moved by his comment and found out later that when Elvis was young and lived in Tupelo he used to listen to gospel singing and went to Pentecostal Church. Mahalia said that explained why he could sing Gospel as good as he could.
** About Gospel Queen {{w|Mahalia Jackson}}'s encounter with Elvis during the filming of &quot;Change of Habit&quot;, as told by Richard Yancey in page 480 of the Mahalia Jackson biography &quot;Just Mahalia, Baby&quot;

* Your dad was always an inspiration to me. And I bet you I am going to end up like him, a dead but glorious King&quot;&quot;
** {{w|Michael Jackson}}, as told to his then wife, Lisa Marie Presley

* I’d done my show (in 1955), and I was back in a room. My daddy was in there with me, and we’re hearing screaming, and it was kind of scary. Daddy said, ‘Well, heck, there might be a fire or something. I’ll go check. You get your purse and stuff gathered up. So I did, and daddy left. And in a few minutes, he came back, stood there in the doorway and said, ‘Wanda, you’re not going to believe this. You’ve got to come see it for yourself.He took me to the wings of the stage, and I look out and here’s Elvis doing all these gyrations and all these girls around the stage screaming and reaching for him and crying, and I thought ‘What in the world?’ That was a first for me.
** Rockabilly Queen {{w|Wanda Jackson}}, remembering her touring with Elvis and the moment she realized music had changed forever, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* As a free speech near-absolutist, I unreservedly defend the right of anyone to trumpet political views. But more than ever I admire those celebrities who steadfastly resist the temptation (or the hectoring) to talk politics. There are still some of them, following the footsteps of one of the greatest entertainers in American history. At the peak of his long career, Elvis Presley's influence on popular culture was unparalleled, but about politics he would say nothing. A classic illustration occurred during a pre-concert press conference at Madison Square Garden in 1972. It was at the height of the antiwar movement, and Presley, an Army veteran, was asked for his thoughts on the Vietnam War protests. “Honey, I’d just as soon keep my own personal views about that to myself,” he answered modestly. “I’m just an entertainer and I’d rather not say.” Faced with the pressure to get political, Elvis knew how to shake it off. Would that could still be said about Taylor Swift?
**[[w:Jeff Jacoby (columnist)|Jeff Jacoby]], discussing Country singer̪ Taylor Swift's decision to endorse the campaigns of two Democrat candidates in the 2018 Tennessee mid-term elections, as published in the Patriot Post on October 15, 2018.

* After months of neglect, the U.S.S. Potomac was in poor condition and had to be cleaned up for the ceremony. A few days before the event, in early February of 1964, Presley's people contacted the Long Beach Port authorities asking how much it would cost to have the boat cleaned up and painted for the dedication, the answer being that it would take at least three days and $18,000 to make it presentable. There wasn't that much time, so then it became a question of how much it would take to just paint the side that faced the dock and the international press waiting therein? It was $8,000 so they did it&quot;
** Excerpted from [[w:Walter Jaffe|Walter Jaffe]]'s book, &quot;The Presidential Yacht Potomac&quot;, detailing the last moments prior to the ship's dedication at Long Beach Harbor, the result of Presley's decision to gift the former FDR's Presidential Yatch, to St Jude's Children's Research Hospital, in Memphis, TN, for its eventual sale to raise funds for the construction of a new wing in the hospital, an endeavour to which Presley had already committed his time, back in 1957 when he drew 11,000 contributors to Memphis' Russwood Park for that year's Danny Thomas organized fundraiser and benefit gala. The Yatch is currently anchored at Oakland Harbor, and can boarded and toured daily for a trip up to the Golden Gate bridge, and back.

* He was a unique artist – an original in an area of imitators.
** [[w:Mick Jagger|Mick Jagger]], lead singer of Rolling Stones.[http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/06/13/sources-mick-jagger-in-talks-to-produce-long-awaited-elvis-biopic/]

* When Elvis came on the studio, and heard my song, he wanted it to be played again and again...
** [[w:Mark James (songwriter)|Mark James]], recalling how Elvis felt about &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot;, as told in the BBC program, The Elvis Presley Rebirth aired first in 2017

* In a big club just outside of Memphis, I once shared a bill with a very young Elvis Presley. I didn't know what to expect and he actually turned out to be supercool and extra-respectful, with his 'pleased to meet you, ma'am' gentlemanly manners. He also touched my heart, many years later when my good friend Jackie Wilson was down and out, vegetating in some funky convalescent home. Elvis moved Jackie to a decent hospital – and paid for everything.&quot;
** [[w:Etta James|Etta James]], from her autobiography Rage To Survive: The Etta James Story Unquote

* I have to respect Elvis accomplishments. He took R&amp;B and made it respectable to white people. Plus it was B.B King, who knew Elvis personally, explained to me Elvis was quick to respect and acknowledge the black artists who influenced him.
** Funk, soul and R&amp;B composer, musician and actor [[w:Rick James|Rick James]], from his autobiography &quot;Glow&quot;, quoting BB King as the person who set him straight about Presley's true love and respect for the blues.

* It is a weakness of the mind to preconceive a judgment of your thought, before the act is done. Despite the acid hemlock stirred by &quot;The Las Vegas Sun&quot; , Mr. Presley will survive and live to sing some more. Perhaps this cat should have studied grand opera, or the fiddle (but), I don't join that school of thought. You see, he's a natural and any dope knows what a natural is. His vocal is real and has a hep to the motion of sound, with a retort that is tremendous. Squares who like to detract their imagined misvalues can only size a note creeping upstairs after dark; this cat can throw them downstairs, or even out the window, with a depth of tone that can sink deeper than a well. He can wilt into a whisper faster than a gossipmonger can throw down a free drink and he really makes them cry. Presley's voice is that of American youth looking at the moon and wondering how long it will take to get there, something new coming over the horizon, all by himself, and he deserves his ever-growing audience. Yep, this boy's sails are set and he's got wind. Good luck and the best of everything. I hope they hold you over! After all, ten million cats can't be wrong.
** Ed Jameson, President and CEO of Bancorp, Las Vegas, writing a letter to the Editor, as a then teenager, and as published in the &quot;Las Vegas SUN&quot;, on May 12, 1956

* We loved Elvis &amp; Elvis loved us&quot;
** Reverend Robert Jamison, an African American preacher who met Elvis in Tupelo, MS, when they were children, as told in his obituary published on April 27, 2019.

* All the members of Dextress come together in the common affinity for hard rock. While each individual loves this genre, we all also bring some diversity outside the Dextress sound. Our bassist Reece Runco finds inspiration from Jesse Cook, Roy Khan, Beck, and the performance style of Mötley Crüe, while being very influenced as a bassist by Steve Harris, Michael League, and Geddy Lee. Our animal behind the kit Keith Runco is very much into death metal. He's very passionate about Behemoth and Benighted. His biggest influences as a drummer are Inferno, Jojo Mayer, and Tommy Aldridge. And Our lead vocalist Eric Paulin is strongly influenced by Sebastian Bach, of Skid Row and Ray Gillen of Badlands and finds Elvis Presley an overall inspiration.
** Mark Janz, lead guitarist for Canadian hard rock band Dextress, in an interview with Beatroute, published on September 30, 2017.

* I was crying of happiness so much that I wouldn't have even been able to recognize Elvis...
** Therra Gwyn Jaramillo, telling CNN, on August 4, 2018, about her encounter with rapper and actor [[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]], whom she failed to recognize at a check out counter, even after he went ahead and paid her total bill.

* Bruce Johnston and I met Elvis in the late ‘60s. He was working in the studio across the hall from us so Bruce and I went over and introduced ourselves and he was very delighted to see us. He was trim and great looking, just like his album covers. He hadn’t gone back out on the road yet. We encouraged him to get back to work and he took us up on it.
** [[w:Al Jardine|Al Jardine]], of the Beach Boys, recalling when he and his bandmate Bruce met Elvis, as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* When he hit the world, this is one of the most beautiful people anybody had ever looked at, and he's also coinciding with the explosion of the mass media invention in America. We are unleashing levels of power through cinema and television and radio that the world has never really experienced before, and we're combining that with the fire power of such a truly beautiful, majestic, authentic creature — this Elvis Presley. So what is an Elvis Presley? It's a funny name with this amazing figure who's part black, part white, looks like a Greek statue one second, looks vaguely like a woman the next second. I think Elvis even stands for something much deeper, something akin to Lincoln or Herman Melville or Emily Dickenson or Franklin Roosevelt, or even Teddy Roosevelt. I think he stands for something about how America became what it is, in the best sense. What he symbolized, in the best sense, was to say to so many people, if he could make it, they could make it. That’s the majesty of Elvis Presley. T
**[[w:Eugene Jarecki|Eugene Jarecki]], director of the documentary **[[w:The King (2017 American film)|The King]], in trying to describe the person he was looking to find, in his own movie, as published by WBUR on July 9, 2018.

* &quot;Bob King's&quot;, the nightclub, was packed and it was filled with anticipation. Even a seasoned musician like Sonny Burgess knew the vibe in the club was different that night. As Elvis Presley stepped onto the stage and the band started to play, his hips began to move and as sang &quot;Good Rocking Tonight&quot; the crowd was whirled into a frenzy. Burgess has witnessed hundreds of musicians and bands and played before millions of fans throughout the United States and Europe during his long career that has spanned more than 50 years, but the guitarist has never experienced the energy and emotion he felt the night he heard Elvis play that tune, back in 1955. &quot;Boy, he was different,&quot; Burgess told The Jonesboro Sun. &quot;As soon as he walked into the building you could feel his energy. He had the looks, the songs and the charisma. Whatever a star has, he had it — more than anyone else.&quot;
** Excerpted from an interview by seasoned columnist George Jared with rockabilly musician Albert &quot;Sonny&quot; Burgess, and posted on The &quot;Jonesboro Sun&quot; on Sep. 2, 2014.

* I listened to Elvis Presley become, I watched Chuck Berry become, I listen to Little Richard and all that music was part of my upbringing
**[[w:Al Jarreau|Al Jarreau]], as published on Jarreauquotes

* If his gyrating stage moves were performed by a Negro, he would be put in jail. He has been a bad influence as far as other performers....
**  Los Angeles DJ [[w:Hollywood on Television|Al Jarvis]], in an interview for KFWB,  Los Angeles, CA,   in 1956. 

* The transformation is quite impressive and is something that not many people realize is doable. The doctor implants eyelashes, hair, I never knew you could do that until I went to see Doctor Kahen. I'm really happy with how I look now, everyone talks to me about it, even my bank teller commented on how good my hair looks.
**[[w:Justin Jedlica|Justin Jedlica]], who garnered attention as the Human Ken Doll for undergoing over 190 cosmetic procedures and a US$$15,000 hair transplant in a bid to look like Elvis, in an interview with the Daily Maul published on February 20, 2018.

* It is when Guralnick shows how young Elvis made his way through this cultural briar patch, that we get what we need. He got voluptuous phrasing and ecstatic self-confidence from gospel, wit and menace from the blues, homespun sincerity from country and, from what we can now call gay theatrics, he got glamour and self-parody. He played the outlaw and the good son. How he flirts with his audiences, first being casual, fervent, sneering, then inviting us to laugh at, or with him. ¨As you desire me¨, he is saying, ¨so shall I be¨. Was he a great performer? Yes and yes again. He galvanized rock-and-roll and made you feel the fun and the risk and all the contradictions. That's self-invention, and that's entertainment.
** Margo Jefferson, reviewing Peter Guralnick's biography of Elvis ''Last Train to Memphis, The Rise of Elvis Presley'' for ''The New York Times'' (26 October 1996)

* I remember one night we were talking in his room. He told me, ‘Mary you know we moved here from Tupelo when I was thirteen. Most of the stories that people read about the move say that we moved because times were so hard in Tupelo. Well, Mary, that is true; however, a few months before we moved here there was a couple that lived by us there in Tupelo. He was a cab driver. One night he came home in a rage and murdered his wife. In fact, he butchered her and cut her throat. The wound was so deep it almost severed her head. All of the neighbors were looking around and I saw that woman, too. I’ll never forget what she looked like. I began to have nightmares about it and cold sweats. So Daddy and Momma decided to go ahead and move to Memphis then. We did move here so Daddy could find work, but I don’t know if we would have moved, when we did, if that hadn’t happened.
**Mary Jenkins, African American cook who worked for Elvis for 14 years, as noted in her 1984 biography &quot;Beyond the Graceland Gates&quot;.

* When Elvis first started at Humes, he was really poor. One day the office sent a letter home about a classmate who couldn't come to school when the weather was bad because he had holes in his shoes, had no warm coat and needed a haircut. It didn't name him, but we all knew who it was. My mom gave me a whole dollar and a jacket she had bought for my brother Bill. I was so proud to take the jacket and the money to the office.
** Lillian Jenne, Humes High School Class of 1953, on how impoverished Elvis was when he arrived at Humes.

* His departure for the Army and Hollywood made his last appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1957, as young America's unofficial leader, his crowning moment. He had brought youth to a prominence it had never known in American culture
** [[w:Peter Jennings|Peter Jennings]], Canadian-American journalist who anchored the ABC World News Tonight for almost a quarter of a century, discussing the impact Elvis had on the world, in a sub-segment of ABC's series &quot;The Century&quot; entitled &quot;Memphis dreams&quot;, the Reverend MLK Jr being the subject of the 2nd half, as broadcast on ABC on April 5, 1999.

* Elvis was singing &quot;That's All Right&quot; and &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot;. The sound went straight up your spine. The way he sang, the singer sounded black, but something about the songs was really country&quot;. I was crazy about Elvis, loved that churning rhythm on the bottom. He didn't have drums yet, but the rock and roll part was unmistakable.
**{{cite book|title=Waylon: An Autobiography|author=[[Waylon Jennings]]; Kaye, Lenny|year=1996|page=44|publisher=Warner Books|isbn=978-0-446-51865-9}}

* Presley brought rock'n'roll into the mainstream of popular culture, as he set the artistic pace, other artists followed. He, more than anyone else, gave the young a belief in themselves as a distinct and somehow unified generation—the first in America ever to feel the power of an integrated youth culture.
** Author and historian [[w:Marty Jezer|Marty Jezer]] in his book, The Dark Ages: Life in the United States 1945–1960. South End Press; 1982. {{ISBN|978-0-89608-127-7}}.

* At the close of his state visit to the Philippines, he showed a taste for American songs during a two-hour pleasure cruise around Manila Bay, as the guest of Philippine President [[w:Fidel Ramos|Fidel Ramos]]. The trip on Ramos's presidential yacht was the highlight of the second day of his three-day state visit to the Philippines. Apparently aware of the Chinese leader penchant for songs, Ramos brought with him a string quartet, so after a breakfast of porridge and fruit, the 68-year-old Ramos invited him to sing, so the two leaders then ended up performing a duet of Elvis Presley's hit &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; which prompted Ramos into remarking: &quot;That's the favourite song of Bill Clinton, so you have to prepare. When he visits you, you will surprise him.
** About Chinese President [[w:Jiang Zemin|Jiang Zemin]], as quoted in an [ITN Source]], dated 26 November 1996

* Presley brought rock'n'roll into the mainstream of popular culture, as he set the artistic pace, other artists followed. Presley, more than anyone else, gave the young a belief in themselves as a distinct and somehow unified generation—the first in America ever to feel the power of an integrated youth culture.[
** Author and historian [[w:Martin Jezer|Martin Jezer]] in his book, The Dark Ages: Life in the United States 1945–1960. South End Press; 1982. {{ISBN|978-0-89608-127-7}}.

* He is the Elvis of the computer world
** About [[w:Steve Jobs|Steve Jobs]], as noted by U2 frontman Bono, in an interview with the Irish Times&quot; and published on their October 7, 2011 editon 

* When I was in third grade, I got up on the stage and I did my Elvis impression and I sang ‘Hound Dog'. And the girls in the fourth grade started screaming, and I said to myself, ‘There’s something going on here. This is kinda cool if the girls in the fourth grade are screaming for a kid in the third grade. One day, my mentor told me that I should consider becoming a professional musician. And for a teacher, an adult, to tell me that was very important, that was an epiphany. It was a real eye-opener. Elvis was great.
** [[w:Billy Joel|Billy Joel]], in a New Online Video Series, with Joel recalling the first time he made girls Scream, as recorded by ABC News Radio, on November 2, 2016

* I've got the habit of listening to Elvis Presley from my mother. In fact she married my father because he promised to take her for an Elvis Presley show, which he did on their honeymoon.
** Hindi filmaker [[w:Karan Johar|Karan Johar]], son of acclaimed producer [[w:Yash Johar|Yash Johar]], explaining how he got the love for music, in an article published in India Catch news on 28 March, 2017.

* No other white artist but Elvis was the greatest Ambassador for black artists. Not only was he legitimate and came from the same background as many of us, but he had an integrity and class that most whites at that time did not. For that matter, many whites today don't have it. He publicly and privately treated us as equals. And his actions ultimately set a public example for many others to follow. This is the only place on Earth you will get the most truth about that. Everywhere else around this country folks got it twisted. It's a disrespect to not only Elvis, but to us. Anyone wants to discredit that man send them on down here to me! Myself and some friends will be glad to set them straight.&quot;
** Bluesman [[w:Big John|Big John]], commenting on Beale Street.

* Elvis Presley changed everyone's life. I mean there would be no Beatles, Hendrix or Dylan. I mean, he just was the man who changed music without question. When they had a Rolling Stone poll about who was the most influential people in rock n roll, I think The Beatles were number one and I just said, you know, “What? No, Elvis was number one. I know he drew his influence from Gospel and Blues and Country Music and Black Soul music whatever, but he was the one that started it all. I was looking at an old Life magazine and there was a picture of him and I thought he was from Mars or something. And then that weekend my mother came home with ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ and that changed my life. Years later, I saw him in Las Vegas and I mean he was fantastic at the Hilton. But the only time I met him was very briefly before he went on stage in Washington DC, a year before he died. And it was very sad but even though it was very sad, even on stage and my mother, who was with me, said, “Well he’s not going to be alive much longer, is he?” She was really sad. And I was too, he was my idol too. But even though he went through the motions and was not really there at the scene at the end of that concert, there was still flashes of brilliance, in spite of being hugely overweight, but when he actually sung a couple of lines it was magical. You don't lose that magic, no matter how fucked up you are, you know, you just. If you're brilliant, snatches of that brilliance will come through. And later in my life I end up a recluse in my own bedroom, you know, taking cocaine, so I'd kind of did become HIM. But what happened to him, you forget he died when he was only 42, for Christ's sake. I mean he was only 42. And it's one of the great tragedies. I don't think anybody actually said “Elvis, you can’t do that, you mustn’t do that”. Rewinding back, I played piano at a very early age, it got me attention and I liked it, but music wasn't my dream until I discovered him in 1957. I was sitting in the little barbershop in our village, waiting to have my hair cut, and I saw this picture of Elvis. He looked like an alien — really weird but amazing. And after I saw Elvis and heard his music, there was no going back.
** [[w:Elton John|Elton John]], addressing the NYT's Philip Galanes's question on what was his first dream, as published in the New York Times on November 28, 2014, as well as from in an interview with Andrew Denton's Enough Rope, dated July 9 2007, when asked to explain how he felt about his biggest idol's death in 1977, shortly after meeting him in 1976.

* These days the bright London boy who passed his 11-plus and left school without any exams is touring the country with a talk show. In the likes of Southampton, &amp;shy;Workington, &amp;shy;Peterborough and Coventry he'll focus on the social significance of his life's soundtracks, from Elvis Presley, the Beatles and the rest. Music is his passion, politics always an interest. In the 1960s he was in a couple of rock bands as a rhythm guitarist and backing singer but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to become an overnight rock star, he got a job as a postman instead. However his love of music has never faded. Johnson adds &quot;I was was a huge fan of Elvis and The Beatles so when Radio 1 celebrated its 50th anniversary recently it made me feel nostalgic as I remember when it first started broadcasting and what an incredible treat it was to be able to listen to pop music all day. I still play the guitar but I don’t think I’m going to be back on the stage any time soon&quot;.
** About {{w|Alan Johnson}}, former Education, Health and Home Secretary for the Labour Party in Britain, in interviews given to the SUN and the Express, and published in their February 24,2019 edition

* Honestly, the first one was Elvis Presley. When I listened to Elvis when I was a kid and heard “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog&quot; — you want to talk about an 8-year-old kid losing his mind? “Jailhouse Rock,” songs like that, made him kind of an American hero. But he also came across as kind of taboo, kind of a little bit rowdy, and a little bit too much for some people. That really stuck with me. Yeah, I was born ten years after he died, but everybody loves Elvis. Hell, my grandma loves Elvis. But when he came out, man, he was a little bit of a bad boy, too. He had that edge. Something about Elvis made you think if you smarted off, he might slap you. I heard that in his music. I heard that “I don’t really care what y’all think,” that whole “I’m going to boogie-woogie if I want to boogie-woogie” attitude.
** [[w:Cody Johnson|Cody Johnson]], describing his first influences,in an interview for Cowboys and Indians, as published on their March 11, 2019 edition

* Elvis Presley was born to a death. His twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, was delivered first, didn't live at all, and everything that happened next was a swaggering wobble between those two poles. [[w:Denis Johnson|Denis Johnson]], who passed away from liver cancer at 67 in May 2017, references Elvis glancingly in several of his works — &quot;Train Dreams&quot; (2011), &quot;Tree of Smoke&quot; (2007), &quot;Jesus’ Son&quot; (1992), and in both the final pages of his first novel, &quot;Angels&quot; (1983) — and the last of five stories in his posthumous collection &quot;The Largesse of the Sea Maiden&quot;, where the author makes liberal use of the legendary performer.
** About author [[w:Denis Johnson|Denis Johnson]], as published by the Village Voice on January 12, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;Denis Johnson and the Ghost of Elvis Presley&quot; by Hanna Gold

* i) I've been asked to write down who I am most grateful for in this holiday season. And the answer is Elvis Presley. We are a very musical family and he sings my favorite Christmas song, which &quot;Why cant everyday be like Christmas&quot;. So now it's turned out that I've sang it to all my daughters when they were babies and they all fell asleep on me. ii) Woman wanted him, men wanted to BE him, or just hang out with him.”
** {{w|Dwayne Johnson}}, i) answering a question for Humankind Stories on the occasion of his finding out he will be a father again soon and ii) as published in wwwgracelandcom

* Hendrix and Elvis were the ones who sparked my interest in music. When I saw Elvis play the acoustic guitar back in the day with 'Jailhouse Rock,' that's when I wanted to play. I think I was 6. All I could think of back then, was that would be a great job...
** George Johnson of the {{w|Brothers Johnsons}}, a Soul/Funk/R&amp;B band itself associated with, inter alia, Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, The Supremes, and Billy Preston, from an interview found in an article written by Wes Wood for the Daily Bulletin and published on August 30th 2016..

* The Bee Gees for their harmonies, the Beatles because they were so ahead of their time and Elvis, who was indeed, an amazing swagger, had incredible moves and his voice is so iconic.
** [[w:Joe Jonas|Joe Jonas]], member of the band DNCE, in an interview with CelebMix, and in answer to a request from the interviewer to name a Hall of Fame of three artists throughout the decades who inspired him.

* He's started the whole thing. I liked his early records.
** [[w:Brian Jones|Brian Jones]]'s 1965 interview, on youtube

* I think Elvis and BB King both did as much for the world of music coming through Memphis as anyone.
** [[w:Booker T. Jones|Booker T. Jones]], Stax records Legend, multi-instrumentalist, songwriter, record producer and arranger, best known as the frontman of the band Booker T. &amp; the M.G.'s being interviewed by Virgin Magazine 2015

* Years later I met him, by chance in Hollywood where I was living. He was riding in a limousine and I was out walking my dog. He spotted me and pulled over. We went over to my home and sat out front talking about old times. After a while he grew melancholy and confided in me, “Carolyn, I’ve lost my way home.” It was heartbreaking as he had grown weary and disillusioned...
** [[w:Carolyn Jones|Carolyn Jones]], Golden Globe winner actress who starred with Elvis in Paramount's 1958 production of &quot;King Creole&quot;

* Now and then in a magazine, you will come across one of those features about your dream dinner party guests, encouraging you to wonder whether, inter alia, you could sit Elvis Presley next to Mother Teresa. I saw one in a mid-market woman's magazine the other day. Well, all I can say is that I'll be at the top table, after scrubbing John Lennon from the list, and certainly leaving Elvis, Mother Teresa, Ian Dury, Orson Welles and Peter Sellers. Incidentally, I wouldn't want to sit down with Karl Marx unless he was genuinely interested in what I'd been doing at work all day...
** [[w:Dylan Jones|Dylan Jones]], editor of Gentlemen's Quarterly, choosing his ideal dinner guests, as published in the Mail online, on 17 January 2009

* I guess everybody in the world tried to be a little like Elvis at the time, but there was no way you could compete with him if you just were doing country.
**[[w:George Jones|George Jones]] in the book the Last word, by Sandra Chorn and Bob Oskam (p.16) .

* Elvis was great. I loved him. When we worked on &quot;Love Me Tender&quot;, everyone to a person, was determined to detest him. They couldn't believe he could just show up and be a movie star. They were prepared to hate him. By the time the shoot was over, everyone adored him. I'll tell you a story about him that probably nobody else knows. We were doing &quot;Stay Away Joe&quot; and were the only two actors working that day. And I just happened to look across the highway, and there was an old battered pickup truck, patched up and with the tires gone. And there was a rocking chair in the back of it with a lady tied to it.It turned out the lady was in her eighties and she was a true Elvis fan, had no money and her family had driven 300 miles with her tied in the rocking chair because she was crippled up and couldn't get in the cab. Me being blabbermouth, I went over and told Elvis. He stopped everything. He had them back the truck over and put it right up next to the camera. He got her situated, and he always had his band with him, so they broke out their instruments and they gave her a thirty-minute performance. She stayed with us the rest of the day. He took her to lunch, and just took her everywhere he went. That's Elvis Presley.
** [[w:L.Q. Jones|L.Q. Jones]],in an interview with Cinema Retro published on February 28,2019.

* i) So we left that CREATIVE era of jazz, bebop, bigband and went into the '50s. It was like coming from modern jazz to poop tunes like &quot;How Much Is That Doggie in the Window,&quot; and so on. It was unbelievable. But then Elvis Presley changed that whole thing because he opened the way for black music to come in ii) Even from 30 feet, as I sat in the front of the CBS orquestra section, and with his back to me, as we all faced the camera, I knew right and then that he would be a huge star
** [[w:Quincy Jones|Quincy Jones]], i) as noted in the Zan Stewart interview, November 2013 and ii) recalling the three times he played 2nd trumpet for Elvis in the winter of 1956, as noted in a filmed interview for the television special entitled &quot;The History of Rock and Roll&quot;.

* Blues, country, pop, rock and roll, gospel, and beyond, this man could sing anything. From the rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, to the MOR of &quot;Wooden Heart&quot;(1960), to the later day &quot;Burnin' Love&quot;(1972), Elvis proved that he had the skills as a vocalist that few have, or will ever have.
** Rob Jones, Canadian musicologist, writing in &quot;Helium: Where knowledge rules&quot;.

* Not any big ones, but I had a picture taken that haunts me to this day. I'd just come off stage at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas to be greeted by Elvis Presley, Merv Griffin and Norm Crosby. Elvis knew how to work himself up for pictures and he ended up looking like, well, Elvis, any doubling of the chin magically concealed. So naive, grinning me, however, clearly had an extra chin, later to be surgically eliminated. It was something to do with the singing. I had it cut out, now I've got the mark of Zorro under my chin, that's why I grew this beard. Never have your photo taken with Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tom Jones|Tom Jones]]'s zany answer to Bryan Appleyard, who interviewed him and asked he tell the readers of The Times of London what he regretted the most in his career, as published in the said newspaper on October 3, 2015.

* I feel good. It was kind of nail-biting all day yesterday. It'd be nice to have $3,300 in my pocket and still have the cup, and I hate to see it go. In fact, it's really going to be weird putting something that has that kind of value in an envelope and sending it off to the people who bid the most in auction, the owners of the &quot;Icon Hotel&quot; in Luton, U.K
** Wade Jones, in an interview with The Gaston Gazette published on January 20, 2018, after auctioning a 61 year old flattened Dixie cup he owned and which had been used by Elvis after a concert in Tulsa Oklahoma on April 19, 1956.

* Elvis is my man.
** [[w:Janis Joplin|Janis Joplin]], as published in the Elvis Express.

* The Presley, Beatles and Castro appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show have one thing in common: at the conclusion of the appearances, Sullivan stands at center stage and declares them all to be outstanding citizens of their countries...
** [[w:Chris Jordan|Chris Jordan]], for Arbury Park Press, on the day after of Castro's passing away, November 26, 2016.

* I think it’s a little bit too much and kind of overwhelming. I mean, it puts a real big strain on me personally in my life. It’s always great to be respected and admired, but to a point where it exceeds certain living situations, and it’s not that much fun to me. I think it was fun to a certain degree, but it really was kind of embarrassing the way people treated as if I was an Elvis Presley or a God,  and that’s a very uncomfortable feeling for me.”
** [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]], in a 1995  interview  with [[w:Craig Sager|Craig Sager]],  given immediately after his first game back from retirement that year versus the Pacers,  and as reported in Sportscasting's June 1, 2021 edition.

* He would appear twice a night at the Hilton in Las Vegas so after the second show one night, I asked the guard behind the stage if I could meet him. As I was then playing with Cowboys, I was let in. So there he was with a towel around his head exhausted after performing two shows, but was very friendly. He was also a huge fan of Coach (Paul W. 'Bear') Bryant, my coach at the University of Alabama, so we got along extremely well. I think the key was that we came from similar backgrounds, just country boys who remained the same even after hitting the big stage.
** Linebacker {{w|Lee Roy Jordan}}, in his autobiography “Lee Roy: My Story of Faith, Family and Football.”

* Your CD is wonderful, and you have a great sounding voice. Reminds me of an Elvis jazz sound. I just I always loved Elvis's sound, but you're definitely an original and certainly are my taste. You have a jazz sound. Just great!!
** [[w:Sheila Jordan|Sheila Jordan]], NEA Jazz Master and vocalist speaking to baritone E.J Decker, as published on wwwejdeckercom

* Pharaohː Male, a Baritone with a registry from a Low B to High G#. He is the most powerful man in Egypt living in a strange psychological place and is desperately searching for the truth in his dreams. The character is in style an homage to Elvis Presley.
** One of three characters as meant to be played in Andrew Lloyd Webber's {{w|Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat}}

* I watched the audience as he walked out on stage, and so many had their faces in their hands. They'd sit there and cry. It was almost Biblical, as if the clouds had parted and down a shaft of light came the Angels.
** [[w:Westgate Las Vegas|Bill Jost]], Assistant Maitre d' of Showroom Internationale of International Hotel, Las Vegas (Now the Westgate), as noted in the bootlegzone's review of Elvis opening show at the International Hotel, in the summer of 1969.

* Of the millions of cars that have ever been built, only a handful of individual vehicles are truly legendary. James Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder. Ingrid Bergman’s Ferrari 375 MM. Frank Sinatra’s Dual Ghia. The Lincoln Continental in which John F. Kennedy was assassinated. There are others, of course, but it’s a short list in any case. And no matter what the criteria, only two BMWs truly deserve to be on it. One is the Touring-bodied 328 coupe that won the Gran Premio di Brescia in 1940; the other is the 507 owned by Elvis Presley while stationed in Germany with the U.S. Army.
** Jackie Jouret, for [[w:BMW|Bimmer]], magazine, in an article entitled &quot;Elvis' 507: The real story&quot;  as published in their Jul 28, 2014 edition

* The memory that stands out most in my mind is the first time I saw that face, the face that was soon to be the most recognized face in the world: the deep-set eyes that would make girls scream and cry; the full, pouting lips that would make them swoon. I'll never forget the first time I saw the flawless face of Elvis Presley.”
** [[w:June Juanico|June Juanico]], Elvis girlfriend in 1956, in her book, Elvis and the Twilight of Memory.

* I wanted to look at Elvis the non-saint, as well as the nature of songs from the ‘50’s, all that postwar optimism; he’s iconic, a wonderful singer with an amazing body of work, but he’s a bit like Billie Holiday, you’re not ‘allowed’ to be critical.
** Barb Jungr, UK-based singer, composer and writer of Czech and German parentage, explaining why she fell in love with the voice of Elvis Presley, went searching for the essence of a dozen of her Presley favourites, as well as her particular predicament in choosing the right ones for her album &quot;Love me tender&quot;, as published in the Herald, Glasgow, on August 5, and on the April 13-20, 2005 issue of &quot;Time Out, London&quot;.

* I was working in the early 2000s with Wieden &amp; Kennedy, an exclusive, high-brow ad agency based in Amsterdam, and they were literally on the same street where my studio was. We knew each other really well, had worked together and, at a certain point, somebody knocks on my door, walks inside, and says, &quot;Tom, I've got something, but we don't know what to do with the music.&quot; He plays me this world championship soccer commercial for NIKE directed by [[w:Terry Gilliam|Terry Gilliam]], a five-minute movie where you see all the star soccer players play games with one another in the belly of a ship. The commercial was called, &quot;The Secret Tournament&quot; , they were looking for music and had tried a few different things, like Elvis' A Little Less Conversation,' and I said, 'Oh, I know that song.'&quot; But they said, &quot; Problem is that it's too short and we need five minutes.&quot; I said, &quot;I can make this work. Give me a couple of days or a week and I'll come back to you.&quot; He said, &quot;You don't have a couple of days or a week, I need this in five hours.&quot; And I said, &quot;Well, just give me five hours (laughs).&quot; So he left, and at that point in time, I was producing the first record of a UK-based DJ by the name of [[w:Sasha (DJ)|Sasha]], the biggest thing on the planet. So he came in and he said, &quot;What are you doing?&quot; I said, &quot;I've gotta spend four or five hours on this Elvis thing.&quot; So he said, &quot;I'm gonna go get a massage and get some food, I'll be back in five hours and we can continue working.&quot; So he goes to get a massage, comes back at 8:00 pm. And when I played it for him, he smiled and looked at me and said, &quot;This is a number one hit.&quot; I said, &quot;Ah, you're kidding, this is just for a commercial,&quot; but he said, &quot;No. You don't understand what I'm saying: this is a number one hit.&quot; Famous last words! So I sent it out to NIKE, and they loved it, and they started talking to the Elvis estate. They were talking with the lawyer of the Elvis estate, and he says, &quot;We just played the track for Priscilla Presley, and she really loved it. Tell me, who is the producer on this track?&quot; And then the guy on the NIKE side says, &quot;His name is Junkie XL.&quot; And it goes quiet. After half a minute, he says, &quot;You have to be kidding me, right?&quot; So we shortened it to JXL and it went into the commercial, which ran worldwide and did really well. And then the track started having a life of its own and eventually, we decided to release it as a single. So I spent a little bit more time on it to produce it as a proper release, and that's the track most people know today, yes, the one that became a number one hit in many countries.
** {{w|Junkie XL}}, real name Tom Holkenborg Dutch composer, multi-instrumentalist, DJ, producer, and engineer, recalling how the # 1 hit during the 2002 Soccer World Cup came into being. in an article published at SceenRant on December 13, 2018.

== K ==
* From the darkest of backgrounds, Elvis' voice emerges with such realism that you could take singing lessons, his vocals so irresistible and smooth, and with such startling definition, that the clearest and most concise way I can describe the experience, is that I never felt as though I was listening to a recording.
** Danny Kaey, a top audio and music writer, reviewing the Duke loudspeakers, as he listened to &quot;Fever&quot;, a track found on the ''Elvis is back'' album, and as published in POSITIVE FEEDBACK, ONLINE.

* During his rendition of &quot;Hurt&quot;, (1976), he was in even better voice, singing in a register that gave more impact to his phrasing, and even hitting notes that could cause a mild hernia. And, after they drew a good crowd reaction, he offered them in a reprise that was tantamount to masochism.
** Mike Kalina, reviewing Elvis' 1976 New Year's concert for the &quot;Pittsburgh Post Gazette&quot;, January 1, 1977.

* He was electrifying in his white jumpsuit, with his cape on, quite humble but he had an aura. There are very few people who have triple-X charisma, and Elvis was one.
** {{w|George Kalinsky}}, official MSG photographer, as noted in The Daily Telegraph's 11 April 2008 edition.

* I want to produce music that is timeless, music that lasts for decades and centuries, like Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, The Temptations and Prince's songs. One-hit wonders are for lucky people, not talented people,
** [[w:Music of Namibia|Lischen Khachas]], Namibian music producer, in an article entitled &quot;Surviving as female music producers in Namibia&quot; as published on the New Era's April 5,2019 edition.

* The young Elvis Presley, without any doubt.
** {{w|Kiri Te Kanawa}}, top New Zealand opera star and soprano's answer to UK show-host Michael Parkinson (who probably expected her to name Luciano Pavarotti, or Maria Callas), when asked whose was the greatest voice she had ever heard (as published in Blabbermouth.net, 3 January 2007)

* Elvis Presley was known for his kind and generous heart. Every Christmas he would donate $100,000 to local charitable organizations. He personally delivered a wheelchair to a disabled woman and gave a necklace to a sick child in a hospital unable to see him perform. Moreover, it is hard to explain an admiration for one particular individual such as Elvis. I admired this man not only for his contribution to the music industry, but also for his love for all of his fans,
** George Karnaze, from [[w:Rotary Internationa|Rotary International]] in an article published in the Miami Republic's January 18, 2022 edition. 

* To go out Albemarle Rd, to the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round, and seeing Elvis at the Carolina Theater.
** [[w:Jan Karon|Jan Karon]] American novelist and author of the Mitford novels, when asked no name a few of the most exciting things she witnessed since her arrival in Charlotte, as a 12-year-old child from Lenoir, where she was born, and as published on March 28, 2017, in the ''Charlotte Observer''.

* Elvis is the one man that stands alone in the history of Rock-N-Roll. He was the first and the best, shook the world by its very foundation. Over the years I've seen stars come and go, but never have I seen a star match the impact of Elvis Presley. Elvis may be gone, but the echo will never die.
** DJ [[w:Kasey Kasem|Kasey Kasem]], from American Top 40.

* He was criticized for turning down the role of Sundance in &quot;Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid&quot;, after insisting unsuccessfully on doing the film with Elvis Presley as Butch.
** [[w:Sam Kashner|Sam Kashner]], in reference to actor [[w:Warren Beatty|Warren Beatty]], who he interviewed for Vanity Fair's November 2016 edition.

* It shows that anything's possible because I wasn't the president of the student body. It was certainly a very fateful and important meeting in the course of my life. Too bad I hadn't been there the day before — I would have met Elvis.
** [[w:John Kasich|John Kasich]]’s thoughts on his 1970 meeting, as an Ohio State University freshman, with President Richard Nixon, after sending a letter to Nixon requesting a meeting. They met on December 22, 1970, a day after the famous Oval Office meeting between Nixon and Elvis, as told by the now Ohio Governor in an interview for the ''Palm Beach Post'' and published on May 24, 2017

* In 1969, I hitched from New England to Nevada to see him, to meet him, so I showed at the Las Vegas International Hotel's delivery room, I hid in a closet, until Elvis and his entourage passed by, so that is when I jumped out and told him I was one of his biggest fans, and wanted to be a star to which Elvis replied, &quot;I believe that will happen, son&quot;. I got his blessing...
** DJ [[Andy Kaufman]], speaking through his alter ego, Jimmy Clifton.

* He was out for fun, he never rehearsed. He was 19 and he had a motorcycle and he liked to ride the streets, looking for excitement. So often I'd see him zipping along Union Street, a new girl on the back of that motorcycle, or walking with two or three girls at once. Later he'd tell me, 'I'm sorry I didn't introduce you, Marion. I didn't know their names'.&quot;
** [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]], the radio show host, station manager, U.S. Air Force officer, and assistant to Sam Phillips at Sun Records best remembered as the first person to record Elvis Presley on July 18, 1953.

* Presley's early days represent a kind of liberation in his fans own lives, which to that point were painted in black and white and dominated by their parents' conservative views. His music gave them an art form, and to a degree, an identity all their own. More than anything else though, it's the uniqueness of Presley's voice and talent that shall prevail. There's never been anyone like him and likely won't be.
** [[w:Bob Kealing|Bob Kealing]], in his book “Elvis Ignited: The Rise of an Icon in Florida,” as published in ''Florida Today'', on March 28, 2017

* What's happened to the &amp;shy;alliance is that the great relationship we have had with the Americans in wartime, and the cultural affinity with the jazz period of the 1920s, the swing era in the 1940s, Elvis Presley and rock and roll, Hollywood, the sitcoms, and the relationship between the citizens of Australia and the citizens of America, society to society, has been suborned by this now sacramental and foolish tone we are &amp;shy;encouraged to have about the &amp;shy;alliance.
**[[w:Paul Keating|Paul Keating]], 24th Prime Minister of Australia and the Leader of his country's Labor Party from 1991 to 1996, explaining how his country's alliance with the US has now been supplanted by the relationship itself, in an interview published on the Australian, on September 23, 2017. and entitled &quot;Keating blasts Australia for adopting US foreign policy&quot;

* A hard drinker with an ever-present cigarette in his mouth, he liked to dress like Elvis at company meetings and maintain a level of fun in the workplace.
** About billionaire {{w|Herb Kelleher}}, co-founder and CEO of Southwest Airlines, as noted in his obituary by the NYT, on his death on January 3, 2019.

* That Elvis boy can sure dance but he's not as good as me though (LOL)
**  {{w|Gene Kelly}}, present at the filming of the title song to &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, as jockingly told to {{w|Lizabeth Scott}}, Elvis' co-star and as published in Watpad's 31 December 2021 edition,.  

* Elvis Presley was rock &amp; roll's first real star, not to mention one of the most important cultural forces in history, a hip-shaking symbol of liberation for the staid America of the 1950s. A white Southerner singing blues laced with country, and country laced with gospel, he brought together American music from both sides of the color line and performed it with a natural sexuality that made him a role model for generations of cool rebels. He was repeatedly dismissed as vulgar, incompetent, and a bad influence, but the force of his music and his image was no mere merchandising feat. Presley signaled to mainstream culture that it was time to let go. Four decades after his death, Presley's image and influence remain undiminished.
** [[w:Mark Kemp|Mark Kemp]], US music journalist, in his introduction to Elvis' biography section in Rolling Stone's Magazine's Encyclopedia of Rock &amp; Roll-

* My first of ten  fantasy dinner guests is Elvis, someone I first fell in love with when I was a kid but I wasn’t quite sure what it was I fell in love with. It wasn’t as much his music as his charisma – and I don’t think I really understood charisma until I saw him.I remember one Christmas as a kid I watched &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was so charismatic that even in the scenes where he was in the background, it was him I paid attention to. For me, he was the one who always set the pace, so I would want him at my party.
** [[w:Martin Kemp|Martin Kemp]],  as told by Murray Scougall in an article entitled &quot;Elvis gets to meet Winston Churchill as former Spandau Ballet star  Martin Kemp picks his 10 fantasy dinner guests&quot;,  and published in the Sunday Post's October 8, 2017 edition.

* Someone I knew invited me into the house. At the far end of the room was the gleaming copper coffin that contained his body. A couple in their late twenties stood beside the casket, she was sobbing and he had his arm around her. Behind the coffin, an arch led to another room where a glass statue stood high off the floor, twirling slowly, adorned by glass beads that leaked like water. Potted plastic palms surrounded the coffin and on the wall was a painting of a skyline on black velveteen. When Priscilla entered she offered me a Coke then introduced me to his father, Vernon Presley, who was watching the 10 o'clock news in a nearby bedroom. Nobody in the group around him spoke. Later, at the front door, I interviewed Charlie Hodge “It’s really hard to believe,” he said. “I went to the dentist with him on Monday night around 9:30. We were getting ready for the tour and we talked about the songs we’d use. But we never did rehearse&quot; Outside the front door were hundreds of wreaths, some spelled ‘Elvis’ in flowers, others were shaped like crowns, broken hearts, hound dogs and blue suede shoes....
** Excerpts of {{w|Caroline Kennedy}}'s Sept. 22, 1977 article for Rollingstone, which sent her, the only daughter of JFK, and then just a Radcliffe coed, on a special assignment to Memphis to cover the aftermath of the death of Elvis, which coincided with his Estate actually in the process of been sealed off by cops and private guards as 75,000 people gathered outside the Graceland gates waiting in line to pay their respects.

* I was a 13 year old kid sitting on the front row on Hank Williams' last performance at the Municipal Auditorium. It changed my life. A couple of years later, during one of Elvis ̪Presley's appearances with the Louisiana Hayride, I was also in attendance there, with a friend, and we got real mad at all of the girls screaming when Elvis was doing his shaking. It upset us that we couldn't hear anything
** [[w:Jerry Kennedy|Jerry Kennedy]], record producer, songwriter and guitar player and a native of Shreveport, LA, recalling his attending one of Elvis' almost four dozen shows at Municipal Auditorium in the period from October 1954 to December of 1956, as reported in radio station 710keel on December 28, 2018.

* I often wondered if Elvis mania will ever truly die. I'm too young to remember the apex of his career, but I vividly remember the deep mourning that followed his death. For years — maybe, still? — his birthday and death day were marked by vigils in Memphis. The other day, I was charmed by a TV commercial that features Elvis impersonators from around the world using FaceTime to sing the Elvis ballad &quot;There's Always Me.&quot; Anyone under 30 probably wonders who these strangely dressed guys are. To me, the commercial was literally music to my ears.
** Mark Kennedy, writing for the {{w|Chattanooga Times Free Press}} in an article entitled &quot;20th century 'survivors' provide comfort&quot; and published in their 9 December 2018 edition.

* Elvis was almost pure style, his clothes, hair, the way he sang, the way he moved on stage, his half-kidding sneer. The first superstar...
** [[w:Pamela Keogh|Pamela Keogh]], as published in Larry Geller's E. Crowning glory

* My mom had me at 21, and hers had her at 21, so I think 25 is too old. Marriage is just something I wanted to experience in my lifetime, to be honest. As to being the granddaughter of Elvis Presley, it did help me in the bussness. I'm very privileged, like the normal story of moving to LA and it takes you three years to find an agent? I got one in a week
** [[w:Riley Keough|Riley Keough]], for the Mail Online, in an article entitled &quot;Riley bravely touches upon her battle with anxiety and depression in a candid Twitter post&quot;, published on 10 January 2019.

* Don't worry, Elvis..... Cary cries at everything that is beautiful. Ballet. Paintings. Sculptures. Poetry. You.&quot;
** Billionaire [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]]'s zany answer  to Elvis'  puzzling look when told actor  Cary Grant had wept during his performance, as told by Charlie Hodge in his book  “Me'n Elvis” ;

* I always argued that Elvis was arguably, potentially a very good actor. Barbra Straisand wanted him to play opposite her, but Col Parker stopped it. That would have been something to dream about.
** [[w:Mark Kermode|Mark Kermode]], English film critic and musician, reviewing the 2018 version of &quot;A star is born&quot; for his blog Kermod Uncut.

* They are some of the most iconic and unique displays of architecture, each home with a distinct style reflecting its location, history, or previous owner. Ahead, find out which are the most photographed, starting with Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley.
** Mandy Kerr's introduction to her article on the most photographed homes in the United States, as published in the Culture Cheatsheet, on February 1, 2018.

* In Memphis, we listened to Blind Mississippi Morris belt out BB King's classic in a bar on Beale Street. But it was another King, he with an affinity for Kahlil Gibran, who was beckoning me. I expected Elvis Presley's Graceland to be a temple of tacky brimming with shag rugs and frequented by zealous impersonators in blinged-out one-pieces. We scoffed when the woman selling tickets said the tour could take three hours. We ended up needing four. Sobia and I found many nationalities. &quot;So many people try to copy him, but he was the ultimate,” said Rishi Khanna, a fan since his youth in India, “Elvis’s music is from the divine.”
** Sarah Khan, Muslim American Award-winning travel writer, in an article for the NYT to be published October 1, 2017, and entitled &quot;Making Myself at Home&quot;

* The most popular thing in american culture is Elvis Presley
** [[w:Kid Rock|Kid Rockl]], singer, rapper, songwriter, musician, record producer, and actor, in an interview for ABC's Elvis lives in 2002.

* “How would I describe it? Elvis Presley. Michael Jackson
** [[w:Jason Kidd|Jason Kidd]], US basketball team captain during the 2008 Olympics in reference to Kobe Bryant's worldwide popularity as the tournament ensued, and as noted by themediatimes on the day following Bryan't death, at age 41 on January 26, 2020.

* Elvis had risen to fame in the 1950s under the guidance of manager Colonel Tom Parker – real name Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk – an illegal immigrant from Holland who was terrified of leaving the United States lest he be deported, so Elvis never went on the lucrative international tours that are the lifeblood of most musical acts. Colour television in Australia was still more than half a decade away, but even in black and white, Elvis was mesmerising, marching triumphantly on to the stage for what was billed as the biggest benefit satellite television entertainment event of all time. And, in Brisbane, barely a television screen had anything else&quot;.
** Grantlee Kieza, for Brisbane's [[w:The Courier-Mail|The Courier-Mail]], in an article published on January 13, 2018, in conjunction with the 45th anniversary of Elvis's hour-long concert &quot;Aloha from Hawaii Via Satellite&quot;, beamed by [[w:INTELSAT|INTELSAT]] to 40 countries including Australia, with global estimates that more than a billion people had tuned in.

* It was a revelation in a lot of ways. You could really only compare it to music, bands like The Beatles and Elvis, where things actually changed.
** [[w:Jimmy Kimmel|Jimmy Kimmel]]'s laud of {{w|Dave Letterman}}, as told to WBUR, in a piece entitled &quot;David Letterman Is Properly Medicated&quot;, published on Apruil 5, 2018

* Yes, he is
** Nepalese [[w:King Mahendra|King Mahendra]]'s reply to a LA Times journalist who asked him whether Elvis, who was standing next to him, was one of his favourites, as reported by the LA Times om May 11, 1960.

* i) While they were civil, they never really had much to say and I might feel a chill between them and me. But Elvis was different. I remember him distinctly because (inter-alia) he was friendly, polite to a fault, spoke with this thick molasses southern accent and always called me 'sir'. I liked that. When he appeared at the Goodwill Revue, a yearly benefit for needy black kids sponsored by WDIA, he did himself proud. Remember this was the fifties so for a young white boy, by then a big, big star to show up in an all-black function in 1957 took &quot;guts&quot;. I believe he was showing his roots and he seemed proud of those roots.................ii) I hold no grudges. Elvis didn't steal any music from anyone. He just had his own interpretation of the music he'd grown up on, same was true for me, the same true for everyone. I think Elvis had integrity (In fact), more than anyone, he was the guy who kicked the revolution into high gear. (Moreover) what most people don't know is that this boy was serious about what he was doing, he was carried away by it. When I was in Memphis with my band, he used to stand in the wings and watch us perform. As for fading away, rock and roll is here to stay and so, I believe, is Elvis. He's been a shot in the arm to the business and all I can say is ‘that’s my man’..................iii) In the 1970's, I decided to try my luck in Vegas and Frank Sinatra helped get me into the lounge at Caesar's Palace. That was my first venture into big-time Vegas. But my second involved Elvis. It was Elvis who encouraged the Hilton to book me in the lounge while he was playing in the showroom. My band and our lounge act was strong and if it had been any other entertainer other than Elvis, we might have even drained business away from that showroom. But it was Elvis..iv) to me they didn't make a mistake when they called him the King.
** From [[w:BB King|BB King]] i) 'autobiography &quot;Blues all around me&quot;, where the King of the Blues manages to make a distinction between those white males he was acquainted with, at SUN Records, namely Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis on the one hand, and Elvis on the other, thus giving Presley extra /p2credit for both his personal and musical integrity (pp 141,185), ii) explaining how people in the modern era mistakenly assumed Las Vegas was the place great artists went to die, but with the reality being the opposite iii) and iv) Interview for Elvis lives, an ABC TV 2002 production.

* I altered my stage name to King because of my love for horse racing, but also after my favourite singer, Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Claire King|Claire King]], an English actress. as noted by IMDB.

* As you know I'm trying to be one of the best and hopefully it can happen. Elvis is down in the books as a great one and I'm really happy to actually be here, around his surroundings, around his homeland.
** Afro Caribbean tennis ace [[w:Darian King|Darian King]], a national of Barbados, during his visit to Graceland, on January 21, 2017.

* My dad penned an as-yet unpublished volume which he titled &quot;Rock 'n Roll: Triumph Over Chaos&quot;, There's an enormous amount of unspoken-of history of my dad and Elvis' relationship. Actually, his relationship with my entire family. A lot of people think he was a prejudiced kind of human being but that's not true. He spent a lot of his life with my father and my uncle, at my grandmother's home. They were very close.&quot;
** Jadene King, daughter of Jazzman and bluesman **{{w|Calvin Newborn}} in an article entitled In Seve̪nth Heaven, about the life and times of Calvin Newborn, and as published in the Memphis Flyer December 20, 2018 edition.

* Elvis performed twice at the Miami Beach Convention Center in 1970, arriving in Miami International Airport, where a helicopter brought him over to Miami Beach at the helipad. A limo picked him up there and drove him 10 blocks to the Convention Center. Just before leaving Miami, he got back in the limo to go back to the helicopter and on the way there he said to the limo driver, &quot;Do you own this limo, or do you work for the company?&quot; And the driver said, &quot;I work for the company.&quot; And he said, &quot;Now, you own it.&quot; The limo driver's tip was the limo.
** [[w:Larry King|Larry King]], who admittedly regretted never having met Elvis, recalling an Elvis story showing his immense generosity, as originally told to him by Col. Parker (story broadcast by King himself on January 14, 2005, on CNN's ''Larry King Live'').

* I may be the King in Los Angeles but there's only one King.
** [[w:Ross King (presenter)|Ross King]], in an article entitled |Elvis Presley lives on...and that's the gospel truth&quot;, published in the Sunday Post on August 23, 2018

* Elvis Presley's talent brightened millions of lives. He widened the horizons of my world certainly. The first record I ever owned was a 78 rpm of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; backed by &quot;Don't Be Cruel&quot; and when I listened to those tunes I felt about ten feet tall and I grinned so hard that I felt like the corners of my mouth would meet in the back and the tip of my head would simply topple off. All I know about R&amp;R is that it makes people feel good. Elvis Presley more than made me feel good, he enriched my life and made it better.
** [[w:Stephen King|Stephen King]], as noted in theelvisexpress

* In 1970, once Ray had seen Elvis in Las Vegas, now that was what you could call flash, he would say, that was the start of a huge rift between him and the rest of Kinks. Now it was going to be Ray's dressing room, his bottle of champagne, his limo. He obviously had got it in his mind that he was going to be like Elvis and that the rest of us were HIS band.
** [[w:The Kinks|The Kinks]]'s keyboardist John Gosling, in the book &quot;Ray Davies, not like everyone else&quot;. pp 153

* I was ushering here in Los Angeles at the &quot;Vogue Theater&quot;, that's how I supported myself before I started acting, and about ten o'clock one night a Mercedes Benz 600 Limo bigger than this room, with Elvis in it, pulled up. And I guess at one point in his life Elvis must have made a deal with God, that God would let him be Elvis if Elvis promised he never let anyone forget seeing him. And I say this because when he got out of the Mercedes he was decked out in such a way that, you know, Priscilla Presley is a beautiful woman, right? And she was standing next to him, right? Well, I never saw her. I didn't see anybody and there were 24 people with him. As I was telling you earlier, I was in show business since I was a kid and I was never thrown by any celebrity, but when I saw him walking towards me, I went limp. I froze. And all I could say was &quot;It's the King, It's the King, It's the King, the King's here&quot;. And he said, &quot;Thank you very much...&quot;
** Actor and comedian [[w:Bruno Kirby|Bruno Kirby]] when asked by a caller watching Tom Snyder's &quot;Late Late Night New year's Show, on 31 December 1995, to recall the time he met Elvis Presley, in 1968.

* Elvis Presley is my favorite singer and my favorite film is &quot;Elvis On Tour&quot;. 
** [[w:Philipp Kirkorov|Philipp Kirkorov]], Bulgarian-Russian singer, as repoorted in the Elvis in Russia webpáge. 

* This mission, or the extension of the OSCE Special Monitoring Mission (SMM) will let implement such provisions of the Minsk agreement as the disarmament of illegal armed groups, the formation, monitoring and verification of the withdrawal of Russian troops and military hardware, ensure distribution of humanitarian aid, ensure proper conditions for local elections under the OSCE standards. I urge the Security Council once again to take the lead in establishing such a mission. Just two weeks ago, we exchanged a Russian major for one of our hostages. Of course, the Russian side can also claim that Elvis is alive, but no amount of lies will change the facts.&quot;
** [[w:Pavlo Klimkin|Pavlo Klimkin]], Ukraine's Foreign Minister, in his speech at the UN Security Council on the the Russian/Ukraine question, as delivered on December 12, 2015

* My favorite aspect of Presley's career was whatever day it was when he recorded “Suspicious Minds&quot;.
** Essayist [[Chuck Klosterman]], from a 2009 interview with Clayton Trutor of SB Nation, and re-published there on February 1, 2018.

* My first association is Elvis. I was so shocked when I read that he was 42 when he died. That's so young. How can I be older than Elvis when he died? He was the only American that everyone knew in our culture. My father loved him, and it's what we grew up with. He was this godlike creature. The day he died, I was nine. I remember taking the bus to school and someone said ‘Elvis is dead’. And everyone kept saying it: ‘Elvis is dead, Elvis is dead, Elvis is dead’. We didn't cry, because we were too young, but it made such an impression. I can't think of anyone with that kind of influence now.
** {{w|Karl Ove Knausgaard}}, (b. 1968), Norway's best selling novelist, in an article published by the ''Irish Times'' on September 2, 2017.

* There’s no doubt that Elvis Presley is going places, but will he get there in one piece?
** [[w:Fletcher Knebel|Fletcher Knebel]], taken from his 1956  “Potomac Fever” column and as noted in Pantagraph's March 5, 2022 edition. 

* I'm in awe of people who've accomplished wonderful things and succeed. It was really something when I met Walter Payton. He was just the most humble person that I had ever met and I just met Beyoncé and I really have a lot of respect and admiration for her and the success that she's had. And when I ran across Elvis Presley&quot;
** [[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]], when asked to name people she had had the desire to meet, then got her wish and absolutely loved it, as twitted to New York Jets' Coach Todd Bowles, in an article published by the ''New York Post'' on September 25, 2015.

* Watching Elvis perform on the Ed Sullivan Show with my father, I saw how he looked at me, with real horror, that I liked it. Elvis Presley was a beautiful young person whose recordings were just colossally great. But basically the best stuff he ever did was on the Sun record label.
** [[w:Mark Knopfler|Mark Knopfler]], singer and guitarist for the band Dire Straits, for elvisblog

* I'm working with a studio in the US from January. So maybe mid-year there might be something.
** {{w|Nick Knowles}}, English television personality, in connection with his having turned down movie roles in the past, but hoping that his dream of one day making a film retracing Elvis's steps may come true, as published in the December 12, 2018 online edition of the Mirror.

* Last night, at the House of Commons, there was no quorum. Out of our 259 members only 37 were present. The missing ones went with their kids to see Elvis.
** {{w|Stanley Knowles}}, Canadian parliamentarian, in an interview with the Ottawa Citizen, as reported on April 4, 1957, the day after Elvis concert in Ottawa.

* In 1955 I   saw Elvis in Amarillo, TX and he told me &quot;Man, if you've got a band and some good songs, get into a recording studio cause something is fixing to happen.
** {{w|Buddy Knox}}, as told to Spencer Leigh in an interview published shortly after his death on The Independent's Feb 19, 1999 edition.  

* It's not that President Trump can't win a “war” with Steve Bannon. He can, but if the president is Elvis to Bannon's Ozzy Osborne, well, Ozzy still has his fans.
** {{w|Keith Koffler}}, writing for [[w:Politico|Politico]] on the future of the Republican Party after the split between Pres. Trump and former WH adviser Bannon, in an article entitled &quot;Steve Bannon is not done yet&quot;, as published on 3 January, 2018-

* i) Yes, I really love Elvis He is the best and a class by himself when he sings rock or ballads or any type of songs. I never get tired of listening no matter how many times I hear him over more than 40 years in my life. Above all, I like his songs, say, ‘I Want You, I Need You, I Love You’ and ‘Hawaiian Wedding Song’. I almost forgot to say this: my birthday is January 8, the same day of Elvis. ii) Love me tender, love me true...
** Japanese PM {{w|Junichiro Koizumi}}'s letter to the EP Fan Club of Japan ii) his response to the members of the international press, who asked him to sing a few lines of any Elvis song to President and Mrs. George Bush during their visit to Graceland and which, by virtue of their meeting there, became the only private home in America other than the White House and any of the Presidential retreats to host an official meeting between a sitting President of the United States and the head of a foreign Government.

* At a time when men of color and white men could not drink out of the same water fountain, my great friend the late Otis Blackwell and Elvis were rocking the world. Now, I'm trying to bring us some new music from Otis, made today in today's feel, but sort of &quot;old school meets new&quot;. It's gonna be another 'All Shook Up,' another 'Return To Sender,' I am thanking anyone and everyone right now, because we are going to be a team and do this, and do this together. It was never about color, it wasn't about status, it was about the music.
** Earl Toon, of {{w|Kool &amp; the Gang}}, speaking in an article for CW33, published on December 16, 2016.

* Do what you can to ensure your baby enters the world in the month of January. That's apparently when the brightest and best are most likely to surface, according to a recent study published in the [[w:The Social Science Journal|Journal of Social Sciences]]. Luminaries like Jeff Bezos, legendary physicist Stephen Hawking, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, NHL great Wayne Gretzky, and such celebrities as David Bowie, Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley were all born in January.
** Gene Kosowan, for Babygaga' s Jan 16, 2019 edition, in an article entitled &quot;Babies Born In January Have Better Chances At Prosperous Careers&quot;,

* Elmer nodded hello — we were the only ones at the cementery — and he took that as an invitation to shuffle over, his generous smile emphasizing how glad he was to meet me. After some small talk, I was anxious to be alone so I could have a silent conversation with my grandmother and he obliged, walking away. This second encounter at the cemetery seemed uncanny. Sorry that I'd brushed him off the first time, I engaged the conversation, learning about his wife, who had passed in 1985. When he jumped to describing how he liked making cheesecake topped with strawberries, his blue eyes brightened. I found him charming. As I left, I told him I'd look forward to running into him again sometime. On my next visit to the cemetery, I was startled: on my grandmother's headstone hung a clear plastic baggie, attached with duct tape, holding a note. In sloppy cursive, above a phone number, it read: “I’m getting things to make cheesecake for you. Call me. Elmer.” Although I had never met an elderly man in the cemetery to receive a homemade cheesecake, I didn't hesitate. His generosity toward my family and me quickly progressed. He volunteered to plant flowers at my grandmother's grave to replace my artificial flowers. He started leaving surprise deliveries on our front porch every week: pumpkins for the kids, treats for our dog, birdseed and Elvis Presley commemorative coins. Gradually, he scaled back on both deliveries and expectations. Some people we pull into our orbit and others, like Elmer, make a surprise landing with flares. For five years, he and I remained friends. A year ago, at 87, he passed away...
** Larissa Kosmos in an essay for {{w|Cleveland Magazine}} as published on their December 24, 2018, edition and entitled &quot;A Mourning Man Makes Room For A Friend&quot;

*In a sudden gesture of respect in Las Vegas, Elvis Presley had taken the robe off his back and given it to Ali...
** Mark Kram, writing about Ali and Elvis in Ghosts of Manila, his searing reexamination of the Ali legend.

* When I turned 14, in 1989, I moved to Moscow and discovered the life of underground bohemia, it was the Perestroika years and I became involved with a counterculture circle of Soviet hipsters. We called ourselves “Stilyagi&quot;, were all (finally) allowed to listen to Elvis Presley and went to [[w:Viktor Tsoi|Viktor Tsoi]]’s concerts.
** {{w|Anton Krasovsky}} Russian politician, the first open LGBTQ member to ever run for office, in his case in the September 2018 elections and for the post of Mayor of Moscow, on how he became an Elvis fan in spite of his having been banned there even beyond his death in 1977, as published by the Daily Beast on June 27, 2018.

* Beyond the ambiance, it really is all about the wine, the so-called &quot;one-off&quot; reds, whites and rosés all bottled with artistic labels sold at the winery, online, and as part of Tank Garage's wine club. The production facility doesn't host customers but they do have a special guest in there: Elvis!! They have installed a 40-foot mural of Elvis Presley overlooking the cellar and they often ask themselves while putting together the blends, 'What would Elvis do?
** {{w|Melissa Kravitz}}, focussing on the Tank Garage, a hidden winery inside a California gas station, as published on December 6, 2016

* On October 28th, 1956. Elvis Presley, who, just a month earlier, had set the world record for most viewed telecast in TV history, takes the stage of the Ed Sullivan Show for the second time. He gyrates through “Don’t Be Cruel,” shakes out “Hound Dog” thus cementing himself in the collective memory of an entire generation one shake, rattle and roll at a time. On October 29th, 1956 the L.A Times columnist Dick Williams writes, “Sexhibitionist Elvis Presley has come at last in person to a visibly palpitating, adolescent female Los Angeles to give all the little girls’ libidos the jolt of their lives.” And while Elvis’ three performances on Ed Sullivan are all well-situated in the pantheon of American music history, Williams thought little of it, concluding, “If any further proof were needed that what Elvis offers is not basically music but a sex show, it was provided last night.” Presley, sober and Christian, saw his act as art. To Williams it was pornography. Elvis was dancing to his own music, consumed with passion. Williams wasn't even listening.
** Eric Krebs, a sophomore at [[w:Yale University|Yale]] in 2019, and the Valedictorian at NY's [[w:Xavier High School (New York City)|Xavier]] in 2017, in an article entitled &quot;With your eyes closed&quot;, and as published in the Yale Daily Newsʼ February 25, 2019 edition.

* Love songs are like a fairy tale, but a musical form. Any love songs that are old school, but have a nostalgic feeling to them, I love. My favorite is Elvis ' Can't Help Falling in Love. It's such a romantic song, Whenever you listen to it, it gives you that warm feeling inside, very comforting, that you could find somebody that loves you that much one day.
** Country singer Maddison Krebs, for Western Wheel, as published on February 14, 2018, in an article entitled Musicians share their favourite love songs

* It's almost like seeing Elvis.
** Kristen Krikorian, on meeting Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, as told to Kathleen E. Carey, of the ''Delaware County Daily Times'' on September 24, 2016.

* When I was first becoming a songwriter, I never would have dreamed that Elvis would sing not just one of my songs but three of them and with so much soul. I feel a lot of gratitude for that.
** {{w|Kris Kristofferson}} as noted in www.IHeartElvis.net

* It was King Creole, the title of an Elvis movie from 1958, morphing with a south London accent into “King Krule&quot;.
** English rapper [[w:King Krule|King Krule]], at age 23, explaining how he came up with his stage name, as published by the Ringer on 12 October 2017.

* Thanks to Aretha Franklin and Elvis Presley, Aug. 16 forever will be known, to quote a song from my youth, as the day the music died. We don't agree about much as a country and a people now. We find some of the silliest reasons imaginable to turn disagreements into arguments, arguments into fights, fights into brawls and brawls into wars. But most of us did agree about Elvis. And Aretha. More important, we agreed that we wanted to live in a country where stories like theirs were possible.We wanted an America in which the son of an ex-convict Southern sharecropper and day laborer could vault from working as a truck driver to becoming a king. And we wanted a land in which a black, teenage, unwed mother could leap from being in the choir in her father's church to becoming a queen. Elvis and Aretha became royalty the same way – through hard work, by breaking down barriers and by being talented. So talented. Perhaps it was a coincidence that they both died on Aug. 16. Maybe it was a quirk of fate. Possibly a message from the universe. All I know is that, for a lot of us, that date will be the day the music died, the anniversary of when the King and the Queen left us. Long may they reign.
**John Krull, Director of {{w|Franklin College}}’s Pulliam School of Journalism, in an article entitled &quot;A farewell to the Queen&quot; , on the day after the passing away of Aretha Franklin, as noted on an NBC's WTHR Editorial

* I was born in the fifties so it's part of my fabric. These were some of the things I had in common with Lemmy, from [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] although Lemmy was ten years older and I think he was quite shocked to hear about some of the the music that I listened to because he was going, “How did you know about that?” And the reason that I knew is because I had an older brother and sister. So by the time I was two or three years old, I'm hearing this stuff on their record player and on the radio. My first conscious song that I can remember is “All Shook Up,” by Elvis Presley. I loved that song, really loved that song, and that's my first recollection of music and I just don't know why. It was like I was just attracted to it and I can recall that.
** {{w|Steve &quot;Lips&quot; Kudlow}} founder of the Canadian band [[w:Anvil (band)|Anvil]], explaining how he was first influenced by rock music in an interview with Leslie Michele, as published by Glide Magazine on January 15, 2018 and entitled &quot;ANVIL GOES 41 YEARS STRONG WITH ‘POUNDING THE PAVEMENT.

== L ==
* I started my DJ career nearly 75 years ago in San Francisco, and am still playing the oldies but goodies. In fact I’ve loved radio all my life and I still do, even if things have changed radically since I lured Elvis and Natalie Wood to Scrivner’s drive-in at the corner of Sunset and Cahuenga.
** DJ [[w:Art Laboe|Art Laboe]], who coined the phrase &quot;oldies but goodies&quot;, as told to columnist Patt Morrison for the LA Times, and published there on December 27, 2017

* He was as poor, or more poor than we were and lived around the corner from me. He had an old beat-up guitar and was pretty good with it, even back then. We also played sandlot football and he played with us Negroes all the time. In fact, I clearly recall seeing Elvis and BB King on a street corner playing together during their hungry days. And (all of ) that was before the world knew there was an Elvis Presley.
** Fred Lackland, African American student at [[w:Booker T. Washington High School (Memphis, Tennessee)|Booker T Washington High School ]] in Memphis, TN, in an article published by the {{w|Jackson Advocate}} on July 27th, 1957 and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's start with negroes in Memphis told&quot;

* Do you think I'm at that level? It's within sight. Well, then, that's more terrifying that you think that.&quot;
** Singer, songwriter {{w|Lady Gaga}}'s exchange with Brian Hiatt, who had interviewed her in Nashville, TN, where they had discussed the twin fates of Michael Jackson and Elvis, in an article published on RollingStone on June 9, 2011

* My childhood hero was Elvis Presley and I wanted to emulate his look
** [[w:Bappi Lahiri|Bappi Lahiri]], Indian music composer, director, actor and record producer, in an interview with The Indian Express published on July 01, 2018

* Number one for me and no one else comes close; ignore for a second that Presley was the most beautiful human being of all time and that he was easily the most electric performer ever; in his prime, he could sing anything (rock, opera, metal, soul, blues, country – no problem); all the wonks will tell you he did his best work at Sun Records, but for me his immense '50s RCA output is so explosive that it puts everyone else to shame; it’s not just that Elvis had an amazing instrument, no one ever had so much fun putting it to use; whirling back and forth from low to high, from raspy to angelically pretty, the only singer ever that could take any song and transform it into something that sounded like it came from somewhere else, a galaxy or two away.
** Brad Laidman, music writer for BLOGCRITICS, reviewing Rolling Stone magazine's listing of the 100 &quot;Greatest Singers of all time&quot;, as published on 17 November, 2008

* Perhaps the only other voice to touch me (Luciano Pavarotti's voice being the first), was the voice of Elvis Presley; to watch him perform as I did along with Carl (Palmer), and Keith (Emerson), both in 1971 and again later in 1976 was an absolutely awesome and breathtaking experience; like Pavarotti, Presley had the power to reduce most people to tears very quickly and indeed to move them to think very carefully about their inner spiritual beliefs; as far as singing is concerned, the human voice is a matter of the expression of passion in the understanding of the human condition and, upon seeing both of them perform, I very quickly came to realise that they were each capable of expressing more feeling, with their voices, than I had ever thought possible.
** [[w:Greg Lake|Greg Lake]], lead singer and bass player for the UK progressive rock super-group &quot;Emerson, Lake and Palmer&quot;, as published on www.greglake.com, on September 7, 2007.

* They come here because they want and if they're still shopping at closing time, we don't make them leave. We accommodate our guests. They have driven so many miles and they want to see where it all began. Through the long years, I have learned it's usually best to treat celebrities visiting as regular people. When [[w:Steven Tyler|Steven Tyler]] and [[w:Joe Perry|Joe Perry]] were here, they were in ball caps and we just let them look around. {{w|Albert II, Prince of Monaco}} was happy to have his photograph taken, while Facebook founder {{w|Mark Zuckerberg}} preferred no photos. {{w|Dolly Parton}} was practically unrecognizable in a cap and blue jeans.
** Rhonda Lamb, Assistant Director of the Elvis Presley Birthplace, in Tupelo, MS, in an article published on the Daily Journal on September 25, 2017.

* Elvis had an impact on everyone. Elvis and The Beatles. Both of those artists are the reason most of us are musicians, those of us that come along in the late ’60s and early ’70s. I can’t remember if I heard him first, or if I saw his performance on the “Ed Sullivan Show” first. But I had all of his 45s as a kid in the 1950s — “Hound Dog,” Heartbreak Hotel&quot; — all of them.
** [[w:Robert Lamm|Robert Lamm]], keyboardist, singer and songwriter a founding member of the pop rock band {{w|Chicago Transit Authority}}, as published at the Chicago Sun Herald on 30 October, 2017.

* My wife and I passed him in the hallway and were impressed by how good he looked, the handsomest guy we ever saw. Minutes later, he went into Barbra Streisand's dressing room. Years later she revealed in an unpublished interview the extraordinary scene that followed. She was alone, sitting at her dressing table when Elvis, whom she had never met, entered. After Elvis closed the door behind him, he said simply, &quot;Hi,&quot; and an awkward silence followed. Suddenly he reached over and picked up a bottle of red nail polish from the vanity table. Without a word, he fell to one knee, took Barbra's hand in his and began, slowly and painstakingly, to apply the bright crimson varnish to Barbra's tapering fingernails. The intimacy of the gesture, the supplication of it, stunned Barbra, who stared in fascination as Elvis worked, and when he finished, she mumbled &quot;Thank you.&quot;
** Don Lamond, as told to James Spada (pp 244-245 of Spada's bio, &quot;Streisand: Her Life&quot; 1995, Crown Publishing.

* Elvis really bestowed himself on his fans, thus making himself worthy of a Nobel Prize as well.
** {{w|Larry Kassirer Lancaster}}, in a letter to the Editor of the Buffalo News, dated 17 December 2016, in response to an article entitled Dylan was richly deserving of the Nobel Prize for Literature

* There is something magical about watching a man who has lost himself find his way back home... He sang with the kind of power people no longer expect from rock 'n' roll singers. While he sings in a lower voice than ever -and what I liked about the early records was that beautifully vulnerable high voice-, he opened his Boston concert (1971) with &quot;That's Alright Mama&quot; (1954), singing it with enough verve to scare the unsuspecting. It was his very first record, and although it doesn't sound quite the same as when he did it 17 years ago at the Sun studios in Memphis, I was moved by the fact that he was doing it at all. It was a tour de force of theatrics, professionalism, and, happily, music. (In fact), he sings so well, the audience hesitates to press him for more, his purpose being to please himself by pleasing them, never to please them by pleasing himself.
** [[w:Jon Landau|Jon Landau]], for &quot;Rolling Stone&quot; magazine, reviewing his November 10, 1971, concert at the Boston Garden.

* My roots are deep regardless. I was truly blessed because it's such a rich area for music — a lot of the traditional music, of course, with both Cajun and zydeco, but all the generations that have come up, especially the younger groups, have one foot in the past and one very much in future, and they're doing their own thing with it. In fact, all music was special to me. It was just magical. I was very much hooked by music from Day 1. Elvis Presley was the reigning king coming up when I was still living in Jackson, MS. And then moving here to LA, in addition to whatever was on the radio, there was always, like, a new business opening up, and they'd have Cajun bands play. They also had their own TV shows on Saturdays, and I'd watch those. I was definitely snakebit. Especially with the guitar, obviously.
** [[w:Sonny Landreth|Sonny Landreth]], describing his early blues influeces, in an interview with Roger Catlin of the Washington Post published on December 29, 2016.

* His chest and his heart were OK, and he had a fever caused by a significant ear infection, but it never entered my mind that he would shortly die. He was very, very cordial, that is what I remember the most about him.
** Dr Hypolite Landry, recalling the time, in the afternoon of March 31, 1977, when he was called by the Mayor of Baton Rouge to confirm that Elvis, then staying at the Baton Rouge Hilton, was too sick to perform that night at LSU, as was the case, and as explained in an interview beamed on December 9, 2018 with radio personality [[w:Jim Engster|Jim Engster]]'s WRKF &quot;Talk Louisiana&quot;show.

* He was a wonderful person, and a lovely man to kiss. During the movie shoot, we did it (kiss) in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. He is a wonderful person, you can't define him in one line
** Actress {{w|Jocelyn Lane}}, Austria born, UK national who co-starred with Elvis on &quot;Tickle me&quot; and later became a Princess after marrying Prince Alfonso zu Hohenlohe-Langenburg, the Holy Roman Emperor descendant known throughout the world for the promotion of the Spanish resorts of Marbella and the Costa del Sol, in an interview in 1965, with Dick Clark for American bandstand

* He had total love in his eyes when he performed. He was the total androgynous beauty. I would practice Elvis in front of the mirror when I was twelve or thirteen years old.&quot;
** [[k.d. lang]], as published in www.graceland.com

* We were out to dinner one night, with my husband and brother in law, and someone at the bar said he had just passed away, and it really, really, really ruined my night, everything. He was the biggest star that has ever been in the world.
** {{w|Sue Ane Langdon}}, who co-starred in two films with Elvis, in a 1992 interview with Joan Rivers.

* In 1956, I bought my Elvis records at Duvan Music in downtown Sioux City. They had a booth there where you could sit and listen to the record before you bought it. I had 'em all. So did every kid at Central High. So my friend and I bought tickets for the May 23 Elvis concert, the cheapest ones. It was a mob. It took a half-hour for us to squeeze and wedge our way to the stage. It may have been warm in there, I don't know but all I remember is the electricity. He came out there with a saunter like he knew what he was doing, singing 'Mystery Train' first and all you could hear was the first words 'Train a ride'. After that, it was just bedlam, and screaming, along with Elvis and his two musicians. And he was so cool, rebellion in the flesh. I mean who grows his hair long like that? And shakes his butt? We loved him. I played harmonica at the time, was almost 17 and he was only 21, not much difference. I just stood there with my mouth open thinking, my God, this guy has picked up on something. He had charisma, the crowd in the palm of his hand. His musical ability had a lot to do with it, he wasn't just a pretty face. I used to listen to the blues on black radio stations at night and I said, 'This guy's a black musician in a white man's body. Elvis had a real strong sense of gospel and was just fascinated with gospel groups.
** [[w:Jack Langley|Jack Langley]], a Central High School student in 1956 who took up music as a way of life after attending Elvis' May 23, 1956 concert, as published in the Sioux City Journal on August 18, 2002

* I was walking through a narrow hallway past Elvis’ dressing room, right after a show when I saw a movie star type a bit further up the hallway. He turned around and it was Cary Grant. He loved Elvis. Anyways he looked up at me, and with that English accent he says: “Here’s the drummer! Is it ‘Bob’? Oh boy, I loved your drumming so much. It was a pleasure to meet you, Bob!”. I remember calling my brother, who’s also an actor, and saying: “You are NOT going to believe this!. Anyways, of all the other artists that I have worked for, he was so professional and at the same time so loving. Elvis was such a good guy, a really good person. I think it was easy for him to be that way, because he was so talented, very confident, and perhaps that gave him a generosity of spirit. Usually it’s the lesser talents that have certain ugly character traits, probably because they are not as confident. But Elvis was just wonderful.
** Drummer [[w:Bob Lanning|Bob Lanning]], on how well he was treated by celebrities he met during the time he played drums for Elvis, and on how Elvis exuded confidence and love, in an interview with Rock Legend, as published on the FECC webpage-

* I was awed by &quot;the presence&quot; and was a wonderful caring person and he was fit, slender and couldn't be nicer to me. It was really wonderful...
** [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]], detailing her relationship with Elvis during the filming of Blue Hawaii.

* I'll tell you something, last Christmas I saw Elvis do something. The Salvation Army kettle at Main and Beale Streets wasn't getting any money. Elvis watched the people passing by for a while not putting money in, then he went over and put a bill in, then he began to cut up and told the people 'Let's help the poor folks out so they can at least have a Christmas dinner'. He got complete strangers to smile and then the money started dropping. So, give the boy a break. Memphis will be proud of him. He's a grand boy. I'm 53 and I grew up in the Jazz Age, so we never thought much about the Charleston or the Black Bottom crazes. I don't like rock and roll, but Elvis is different. They talk about juvenile delinquency and here is a boy who didn't have much except what was inside himself. He just has Rhythm in him and it has to come out. I think he has done a pretty good job of lifting himself. He's full of life and already I can see the rough edges being smoothed out. That dance he does, nobody said anything when Marguerite Piazza did the 'St. Louis Blues'.
** Joyce Lansky, wife of Bernard Lansky of {{w|Lansky Brothers}}, Memphis Beales Street- clothiers for numerous celebrities, most notably Isaac Hayes and Elvis Presley, talking to Memphis reporter Robert Johnson in an article published in 1956.

* It may surprise you, but I am a Presley fan. Elvis recently saw my folks in California and told them he was a fan of mine, that I had been an inspiration to him.... What that boy has done is phenomenal. He has busted many of the disc sales records I held, in little over a year.
**[[w:Mario Lanza|Mario Lanza]], to an UPI reporter, in 1957.

* I have everything ever done by Elvis, I have all his master recordings. And if you go to my home,it's like a museum there...
** Sergio Lapegüe, Argentinean television host and music personality whose only son was named after Presley, in an interview with Martha Legrand, shown on November 19, 2019.

* All we ever heard about back in the fifties was the space race and how we were lagging behind the Russians. That and Elvis
** Stephen Lapekas, the subject of a cover of LIFE magazine on the status of Education in both the US and the USSR published on March 24 1958, on the exact day Elvis entered the US Army.

* Steve Allen's ethics were questionable from the start. He fouled Presley, a fair-minded judge would say, by dressing him in white tie and tails. This is a costume often seen on star performers at funerals, but only when the deceased has specifically requested it in his will. Elvis made no such request—or for that matter, no will. He was framed. It was a gag from which no ordinary twitching vocalist ... could be expected to recover. Elvis recovered. As he left the hall, more dead than alive, he found the street hip-deep in bobby-soxers. And he bloomed like a rose, they tell me, and writhed again as of old.
**[[w:John Lardner (sports writer)|John Lardner]], writing about Elvis' strange appearance, on July 1, 1956, at the Steve Allen Show, for his Newsweek column's July 6, 1956 edition.

* He is one of the great American icons. Rock'n'roll just kind of formed around him. Even Elvis called him the King.
** Joe Lauro, Director of the documentary &quot;The Big Beat, Fats Domino and the birth of Rock and Roll&quot;' laud of Fats Domino, in an article published by The Guardian, on December 16, 2017.

* When I came on the sound stage and met him for the first time, he was like a mannequin, sitting there, so still and I thought, “Wow they have a mannequin that looks just like Elvis!” He got up, shook hands with me, and said “Nice to know you, Sir.” He was just as polite and nice as he could be. We talked about a lot of different things. He was interested in karate, which I had studied with Chuck Norris many years before. He was also interested in many of the books and writings I was involved in. He told me about his reading of Gibran's The Prophet, as well as certain things I had no idea I was going to use later, years after he passed away. I did a lot of the things that he told me in the Kurt Russell TV biography, where I had to write in an annotated script, which meant you had to take note of where each thing came from in the margins (almost like a bibliography). The legal department didn't know how much could be done without being sued, so they wanted to have every part of it locked down. It was a lot of Elvis...
** Producer [[w:Tony Lawrence|Tony Lawrence]], who met Elvis in Roustabout and again in Paradise Hawaiian Style,as published in Quora on July 14, 2014

* The year was 1956 and I was in grade 6. Elvis Presley made his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show on TV and the music world was changed forever. Our school music appreciation teacher, Mr. Francis, was visibly upset, trying to teach us to love Brahms and Beethoven — but at recess, the girls would bring out a little record player and we'd hear Elvis. Mr. Francis responded by bringing an Elvis record to class, and using a hammer to smash it in front of us. He told us the music of the masters would live forever, but by next year at this time, this flash in the pan — Elvis Presley — would never be heard of again. Now, fast forward to yesterday where a paper cup Elvis drank from back in a 1956 outdoor performance just sold for more than $3,300. Maybe fittingly, it was bought by the owner of the &quot;Icon Hotel&quot; near London, England. What do I learn from this? I doubt some of today's entertainment will stand the test of time, but I keep watching for paper cups. Let me know what you think.
** [[w:Bob Layton (newscaster)|Bob Layton]], Top Canadian newscaster and News Director at 630CHED in an editorial entitled &quot;Don’t be cruel&quot;, and published on January 21, 2018.

* I was starting in the movies, had no money then, he knew it, so after liking a few of the stunts we did in &quot;Blue Hawaii&quot; he gave me a US$100 bill which I used to have a great meal, a filet mignon, and pay the rent. Had I saved it, and asked him to autograph it, I would have made US$100,000 on that US$100 note. He was a great guy.
** [[w:Gene LeBell|Gene LeBell]] martial artist, instructor, stunt performer, and professional wrestler who appeared in two of Elvis' films, for an &quot;MMA's One on One&quot; interview.

* It seems almost inexplicable that the human race, with its ravenous appetite for entertainment, should have failed over so many decades to produce another Callas and Elvis. Neither Pavarotti nor Madonna come close, nor ever will. The desperate efforts of a universal music industry have yielded nothing more enduring than Cecilia Bartoli, the mini-voiced mezzo who tops the opera charts, and the high-kicking, faintly archaic Kylie Minogue, who belongs more to the smiley era of the Andrews Sisters than to the grim virtual reality of Bill Gates. In fact, when we commemorate the Presley and Callas anniversaries, one month apart, we confirm a catastrophic failure of cultural renewal.
** Norman Lebrecht, for the Evening Standard

* Despite the name and best-known (striped t-shirt) scenes, Elvis' &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; is not really a “prison flick.” His character does go to jail, where he discovers his musical prowess and pursues it once he gets out, but his journey to stardom proves even more challenging than his time behind bars. His James Dean-ish “bad boy” character makes bad choices, and it all leads to an obvious journey of redemption. But this one ain't about the story; it's about the exhilarating music and its star, whose charisma was so off the charts that it was quite fittingly criminal.
** [[w:Lina Lecaro|Lina Lecaro]], US radio host, in an article for the {{w|Consequence of Sound}} and entitled &quot;The 50 greatest rock and roll movies&quot;, published on September 26, 2018.

* I  once certified the authenticity of an Elvis Presley soundtrack album, kept and played by Bruce Lee for over a decade.  He had  put his personal Chinese chop on it,  as was customary in all his albums. This one we listened to  endlessly, huge admirers of Elvis as we both were.
**About  [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee]]' love of Elvis music, as told by his friend  and student [[w:Taky Kimura|Taky Kimura]], a Japanese national who was Lee's best man at his wedding and one of six pallbearers at his funeral. The album, from the 1961  movie &quot;Blue Hawaii&quot; sold at an auction in 2012 for a little over 4,500 Euros.

* He never lost that Southern, genteel, gentlemanly persona. Of course, that came from his mother. I loved that about him. He was that way to the end
** Singer [[w:Brenda Lee|Brenda Lee]], whose 1st appearance at the Grand Ole Opry had Presley, then the world's biggest star, in the audience as reported by the Tennessean on December 16, 2015

* What was once a tiny town of considerable character is now 6 times it size. Guess what: They are trying to turn me into a tourist attraction like Graceland and Elvis Presley.&quot;
** Pulitzer Prize laureate [[w:Harper Lee|Harper Lee]], speaking about her home town, Monroeville, Alabama, in an article published posthumously on the SF Gate's Aug. 20, 2007 edition.

* I remember the first time I saw him on TV, when he burst upon the music scene like a blazing comet and the indescribably powerful impact he had on the youth of the nation -and the world.&quot;
** [[w:Stan Lee|Stan Lee]], in an interview for the 35th anniversary of Elvis'passing

* The spirit of Elvis is way bigger than the music. I don't know how many Elvis records I actually bought. It wasn't my generation, but the spirit, the attitude, the vibe, the cool of Elvis? Elvis had many phases, many stages. Depending on who you are and how old — are you military Elvis with the perfect complexion? Were you beginning Elvis when he upset everybody with [imitates Presley's voice]? Or were you end-stage Elvis, which frankly, I enjoy that as much.
** {{w|David Lee Roth}}, frontman for the band Van Halen, in an interview with blabbermouth and published on 8 August 2015 and entitled DAVID LEE ROTH On VAN HALEN's Future: 'I Wouldn't Hold My Breath'

* Backstage at Washington DC's {{w|Shakespeare Theatre Company}}’s two locations — the Lansburgh Theatre and Sidney Harman Hall — actors and crew members maintain elaborate shrines to a creative icon. Not the Bard, but Elvis Presley. The tradition started one night in 1989. During a performance of “The Beggar’s Opera,” stage manager James Latus heard a loud sound during the show and asked his assistant, Audrey Brown, if she knew who was responsible. “Uh, um, uh…Elvis!” (In fact) Brown, a Memphis native, refused to rat out the real culprit, which led Latus to take the joke to its natural conclusion and create a full-blown shrine, consisting of a tasteful Elvis postcard and candle. Actors and crew people started donating items for good luck. When the company moved to the Lansburgh Theatre in the 1990s, the Elvis shrine came, too. Around this time, the theater received a letter from then-First Lady {{w|Hillary Clinton}}’s press secretary. They were planning to come see a show, but they wouldn’t have time to visit the shrine. The letter was promptly framed and added to the shrine. But when the Clintons showed up, Hillary insisted on making a pilgrimage. The shrine now holds a photo of her pointing at the copy of her press secretary’s letter. Latus said he’d like to see an Elvis-inspired Shakespeare adaptation one day. His vote is for “King Lear,” while Cox would like to see an Elvis “Macbeth”. Both, of course, are tragedies. The Shakespeare Theatre doesn't have any Elvis-themed projects in the works right now, but maybe, with enough prayers at the shrine, some day it will happen.
** Mikaela Lefrak, in an article appearing at American University's radio website page ̽(WAMU 98.5 FM), in which she explains the Washington, DC Shakespeare Theatre Company's unique decision to maintain an Elvis shrine in both of their locations, as published on November 6, 2018.

* I wanted to channel my inner Elvis...
** [[w:John Legend|John Legend]], R&amp;B singer, in an interview about the 50th Anniversary of the 1968 NBC Special, in which he will sing, inter-alia, &quot;A little less conversation&quot;

* He had an incredible, attractive instrument that worked in many registers; he could falsetto like Little Richard, his equipment was outstanding, his ear uncanny, and his sense of timing second to none; (in short) he could sing. And when it came to the blues, Elvis knew his stuff, his knowledge being almost encyclopedic. Mike (Stoller) and I were blown away. In fact, the conversation got so enthusiastic at the studio that Mike and Elvis sat down at the piano and started playing four-handed blues. He definitely felt our passion for the real roots material and shared that passion with all his heart. Just like that, we fell in love with the guy. ‘Let’s get started,’ Elvis said. ‘Let’s cut some records.’ And then we jumped right into ‘Jailhouse Rock&quot;
** [[w:Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller|Jerry Leiber]], who with Mike Stoller, co-wrote some of the greatest R&amp;R and Pop hits of the 50's and early 60's, speaking about the recording session which yielded, inter alia, the title song for the movie &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; in their autobiography &quot;Hound Dog&quot;.

* Elvis's music is the one true gift he's left behind, and it is continually being shared with the world. The music will never die, but apart from that, it's the other intangible things that keep him alive- his love, his laughter, his films, all the photos that we see and have access to will keep him alive, for generations to come. The last time I saw him, In 1974, he did put in a great show.
** Actress {{w|Barbara Leigh}}, from her autobiography &quot;The King, McQueen and the Love Machine&quot;

* He looked, sounded like anyone on the planet in 1956
** [[w:Spencer Leigh (radio presenter)|Spencer Leigh]], BBC presenter and author, in an interview with the BBC on July 9, 2018.

* i) Elvis was the thing. Whatever people say, he was it. I was not competing against Elvis, Rock happened to be the media I was born into. He was the one, that's all. Those people who picked paint brushes like Van Gogh, probably wanted to be Renoir, or whoever went before him. I wanted to be Elvis.
** {{w|John Lennon}}'s words of appreciation, as read posthumously by his son Julian on his own behalf and that of his younger brother Sean, both of whom were chosen by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to induct Presley in 1986. SOURCE:   YOU TUBE 206. Julian and Sean Lennon Inducting Elvis Presley Into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame&quot;

* I would show people and it felt like bragging rights. The public was like fascinated when they saw  all the presidential cars: Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower. Now, we have a large collection of Abraham Lincoln cars that I am proud of because we are in the Land of Lincoln.  Then I got into stuff like Elvis Presley....
**  {{w|List of automotive museums|Wayne Lensing}}, founder and curator of the Historic Auto Attraction  Museum, in Roscoe, KY,  telling  station WREX how he expanded from owning Presidential limos, to Elvis' 1972 Lincoln Continental Mark IV, as detailed on their  August 27, 2021 edition,

* Ali was my idol, Bruce Lee was my idol, Sugar Ray Robinson was my idol and Elvis Presley was my idol, so I combined those 4 to make Sugar Ray Leonard.
** [[w:Ray Leonard|Ray Leonard]], explaining how the making of his persona was influenced by two boxers, a martial artist and one Elvis Presley.

* In any case, there's something beautifully uncomfortable at the root of the vocal style that defines the pop era, the simplest example coming at the moment of the style's inception, i.e. Elvis Presley: at first, listeners thought that the white guy was a black guy and it's not too much of an exaggeration to say that when Ed Sullivan's television show tossed this disjunction into everyone's living rooms, American culture was thrilled by it, but also a little deranged, in ways that we haven't gotten over yet; ultimately, the nature of the vocals in post-Elvis popular music is the same as the role of the instrumental soloist in jazz; that's to say, if it isn't pushing against the boundaries of its form, at least slightly, it isn't doing anything at all; so, we judge popular vocals since 1956 by what the singer unearths that the song itself could never quite, and (this) explains why Elvis is always rock, even when singing &quot;Blue Moon&quot;
** Excerpted from the lead article by Jonathan Lethem, as published on Rolling Stone's magazine's December 2008 issue, honoring the 100 greatest singers in the Rock era, in an article entitled &quot;What Makes a Great Singer&quot;

* Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today. 10. I’ve been dead 38 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards 9. What do you know? The Jets still suck 8. I’m hungry — is there are any food stuck in my sideburns ? 7. I can’t believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!6. Who’s this ‘Richard Simmons,’ and why’s he keep trying to hug me?5. I’ve been dead 38 years, – of course I want fries with that! 4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up 3. That Letterman punk’s on the TV — where’s my revolver? 2. I haven’t been dead — I’ve been starring in a series on CBS 1. Lisa Marie married who? Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today II 10. Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras 9. Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns 8. This new President and I disagree on a lot of things, but french fries ain’t one of them 7. Is there something I just don’t get about Pauly Shore?  6. What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who’s that dork using his theater? 5. Can I get that Miata in pink? 4. What’s my old smokin’ buddy Suzie Molinari doin’ these days? 3. All you people who thought I was alive this whole time — you morons! 2. I’d heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy in the wedding photos is white  1. Bob Dole? Didn’t I meet him back when I was dead?
**  {{w|David Letterman}} as  featured in his show in 2009 and 2015

* I started looking around for new acts—like some country-and-western people. I tracked Presley down in New Orleans and spoke to his manager Tom Parker. I told him we'd like to use Elvis on several shows. He was thrilled to death. I booked Elvis for the following Saturday. I bought him for four shows for a total of five thousand dollars. Presley's national debut on Stage Show was like nothing that anyone had ever seen before on national television. It was the raw against the cooked, postwar prosperity versus prewar propriety, an atomic burst of sexual vitality obliterating the palled remnants of Depression-era glamour. The sloe-eyed Presley had a leering smile while his body gyrated with unabashed sexuality. A strong country blues sense emanated from the handsome young singer ... whose forelock drooped over his face, added to his allure. Elvis Presley was rock ’n’ roll, which was suddenly embraced by the emerging generation as its own music. Its sound shattered the complacency of the 1950s and broke the ground for the anti-establishment culture coming in the following decades And with its visual impact, television would suddenly cause the look of a musical artist to become almost as important as the content of his or her music. His arsenal of bumps and grinds again alternately shocked, terrified, and delighted the television audience. He had nothing to learn from Tommy Dorsey musically.
** {{w|Peter Levinson}}, as told to Tino Barzie, Tommy Dorsey's band manager and published in elvis-history on September 12, 2011.

* As our Chief Investment Officer opined on the morning after the Brexit vote, in the aftermath of the financial crisis, perhaps it shouldn't come as a surprise that uninspiring economic outcomes lead to unexpected political outcomes— or at least those considered outside the mainstream... So, with apologies to Elvis Presley, 59 million Donald Trump voters and 13 million Bernie Sanders supporters can't be wrong.
** [[w:Brian Levitt|Brian Levitt]], Senior Investment Strategist and Paul Blease, Director of CEO Advisor Institute, as published on Forbes' edition of 12 November, 2016

* It sounds trite,contrived, but that was like the Holy Grail. The light went off. This spark led me on a musical journey that took me from running around my house as a boy wearing Elvis-inspired cardboard sideburns glued to my face, to receiving a birthday kiss from Elvis' wife, Priscilla Presley, at the Box Tops' induction ceremony into the Memphis Music Hall of Fame in November of 2018.
** [[w:The Box Tops|Rick Levy]], guitarist for the Box Tops, a Memphis,TN band, recalling his first moment as a rock enthusiast, as noted in the Island Now's February 22,2019 edition.

* Well, I don't know. But they had Katharine Kersten and me and two liberals in rotation. Now they don't. Although I will have a column on Elvis in there pretty soon. It's called, “Why Elvis Still Matters.” I love Elvis. But, in fairness to the Star Tribune, they have been exceedingly open-&amp;shy;minded. And so has the Pioneer Press for that matter.
** [[w:Jason Lewis (Minnesota politician)|Jason Lewis]], in an interview with the Minnesota Post and in reference to the Star Tribune, where Lewis worked for many years, as published in the Minnesota Post on September 2, 2015.

* I said, ‘Elvis, I’m going to ask you one thing before we part company here. If you die, do you think you’d go to heaven or hell?’ And he got real red in the face, and then he got real white in the face, and he said, ‘Jerry Lee, don’t you ever say that to me again.
** [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis|Jerry Lee Lewis]], in an interview with Simon Hattenstone, for the Guardian, and published on 8 August 2015.

* I knew him when we were both making movies at Paramount, where he made his presence quite well known at the studio. He was a really nice kid, one of the nicest people I have met in show business. We had our own projects to work on, of course, so we didn't see each other a lot, but when we did it was always good. Elvis seemed very humble, and he had great respect for other actors.
** [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]] in an interview with James L. Neibaur on February 26, 2014 -
* A lot has been written and said about why he was so great, but I think the best way to appreciate his greatness is just to go back and play some of the old records. Time has a way of being very unkind to old records, but Elvis' keep getting better and better.”
** Rocker [[w:Huey Lewis|Huey Lewis]], as published in www.graceland.com

* You need more glitz in your act 
** [[w:Liberace|Liberace]]'s advise to Elvis when they first mnet in las Vegas in 1956, as reported by Fox News on December 19, 2021.  

* In the beginning, Elvis was like a tornado skipping erratically across the musical landscape, his talents raw, wild, and unfocused but within a short time he was able to rein in his vocals and become a master of both seductive nuance and mesmerizing bursts of energy. Scotty Moore was the perfectionist who worked to find musical counterpoint to Elvis's energetic vocals, setting a new standard for lead guitarists with his precise musical licks. Bassman Bill Black was the person who entertained Elvis and first showed him how to relate to the public. Finally, working in sync with Bill, drummer D.J. Fontana provided the rhythm that transformed high-energy, country-blues selections into rock 'n' roll. Whether the magic that occurred during the Sun Sessions was an accident or a logical amalgam of diverse musical talents, will be debated for years. What will not is the immense impact those sessions had not just on the genesis of rock 'n' roll, but on American culture itself, setting in motion social and political changes that ultimately redefined America in the eyes of the world.
** The US {{w|Library of Congress}}'s laud of Elvis's Sun recordings, on their 2002 inclusion into the National Registry and as written by James L. Dickerson

* My wey, Blueberry Hill, Love me tender, The times they are changing and For all the girls I loved before.
** [[w:Joe Lieberman|Joe Lieberman]] citing his all time five songs in an interview with Don Imus on 18 Nov. 2011

* I really got interested when I got into high school, about grade nine. I heard &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; by Elvis Presley and I went and bought a guitar and so did a friend of mine. We both bought guitars and we practiced Elvis impersonations, way back when we were 15-years-old. And that was how I learned how to play the guitar. Elvis Presley has a great recording of my song &quot;Early Morning Rain&quot;. He did such a good job on it too, and it was probably the most important recording that I have by another artist.
** {{w|Gordon Lightfoot}}, answering interviewer Matt Wake on what got him interested in music,as published on the February 17, 2015 edition at Advanced Digital.

* Growing up during the pre-rock ‘n’ roll era, I fell on the ground when I heard “Heartbreak Hotel&quot; in 1956. I thought, ‘Man this is happening. Years later I met him while rehearsing for his ’68 Comeback Special. Our road manager was Jerry Williams, a promoter who knew Elvis so one June evening Jerry asked us to go down and see him. When we arrived between 9:30 and 10 o’clock that night, Elvis decided to take a break. He came out right on Sunset Boulevard, standing on the sidewalk leaning against the building. Jerry exclaimed, “You can’t stay out there!” And this is Elvis Presley, right? He looks like Elvis Presley. Elvis replied, “Look, nobody is gonna believe it’s really me”. It was the truth. We're just rapping back and forth. People came by, and they'd do a double take—‘Nah it can’t be Elvis’—and they'd walk on. Nobody will ever be like him. I would have given anything to have seen him at the Overton Park Shell [renamed the Levitt Shell] in Memphis when he was about 20 years old. Elvis rocked harder than almost anybody. If he's in heaven right now—and I'm sure he is—he's probably smiling as he looks down and says, “Look how many people are trying to do what I did”.
** Singer [[w:Mark Lindsay|Mark Lindsay]] formerly the leader of the 1960's group Paul Revere &amp; the Raiders, as excerpted from in an interview given to the Examiner, and published on their online edition on 26 January, 2015.

* Here is a nonchalant phenomenon whom, as yet, no one has accurately described, a young man who has an inherent ability to arouse mass hysteria (or should I say ecstasy?) wherever he goes, yet is unassuming and completely untouched by the fabulous success he has achieved almost overnight.
** {{w|Bud Lilly}} Publicity director for the New Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas, in a letter to the Las Vegas SUN, which had requested the hotel management to provide the paper with more information on Presley, as published on April 26, 1956.

* He's Elvis and the Beatles combined
** About [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]'s tremendous popularity, as quoted by Michael Harrison of {{w|Talkers Magazine}} in {{w|Ze'ev Chafet}}'s book &quot;An Army of One&quot;.

* Two of Elvis Presley's favourite hobbies were watching TV and firing guns from his extensive collection. And occasionally he'd combine them to explosive effect. Whereas most viewers reach for the remote, the King of Rock and Roll had his own way of dealing with shows he didn't like, and the result was a graveyard of bullet-riddled TV sets behind his Graceland mansion. This particular set had originally sat in his daughter Lisa Marie's bedroom, until one night when Elvis was struggling to get a signal. Instead of getting it fixed, he shot a hole in it with a nearby handgun, and gave it to his nurse Letetia Henley to toss on the pile. However, she decided to test it first and found it had incredibly survived Elvis' wrath, so she gave it to her daughter instead. And more than 40 years later in August 2018, the set was offered for auction at Graceland – still in working order, and complete with the original bullet hole – where it sold for $4,000.
** Simon Lindley for [[w:Collecting|Collecting]], in an article entitled &quot;Ten Weirdest Auctions Stories of 2018&quot; and as published on their December 12, 2018 online edition.

* One illustration of this is a man named Elvis Presley. His voice is recognized the world over. What you may not know about him is that as a child, he was baptized in Jesus' name and received the Holy Ghost in an Apostolic church. He could have been a saint in the church and a music minister, and be an old man in a Pentecostal church in the south. His name and voice are still immediately recognized, even by those who were not yet born when he died. But the price he paid was all wrong. The peace and security of a solid walk with God, for fame.
** Tad Lindley for the Delta Discovery in a religious article entitled The Price is Right, published on October 10, 2018
* He was a big part of my musical education.
** Actress [[w:Laura Linney|Laura Linney]], in an interview with CBS TV.

* I saw him a couple of times at the Hilton, and the first time I went backstage, I talked to him for about an hour.  He was a  very shy, wonderful person.  He asked me if I got recognized in public, and I said I did,  but not like him.  He said he couldnt go anywhere, so I told him to do what Bing Crosby does,  wear an old  sweater, grow a beard, whatever. And then he said, &quot;Well,  Mr. Little I couldnt do that.......... people wouldnt get any autographs LOL
** [[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]], in a Mesquite by Youtube published on 15 July, 2017

* I had idolized him growing up, to me he was the sacred monster of rock'n' roll. And Elvis was equally intrigued by my performance in The Mod Squad, so he invited me to his show in Nevada. He once left me a poem scrawled on a torn-off scrap of paper on top of my pillow and gave me a ring with jewels shaped in the letter P....
** [[w:Peggy Lipton|Peggy Lipton]], as noted in the book All the King̪s women

* i) Elvis? Thank God for the goodness and the glory! I knew Elvis could do today what he's doing cos he's real. He's a champion who's has lived and kept the title, he's for real. Elvis is a southern child that is down to earth, he's beautiful just beautiful. I saw him, not too long ago, when I was singing I can't stop loving you on the stage, and I heard someone yelling and clapping, and I looked and I saw Elvis waving to me. He is true, a real pioneer ii) Like, see, when Elvis came out a lot of black groups would say, &quot;Elvis cannot do so and so and so, shoo shoo shoo&quot; And I'd say, &quot;Shut up, shut up.&quot; Let me tell you this—when I came out they wasn't playing no black artists on no Top 40 stations, I was the first to get played on the Top 40 stations—but it took people like Elvis to open the door for this kind of music, and I thank God for Elvis Presley. I thank the Lord for sending Elvis to open that door so I could walk down the road, you understand?. iii) he was God given, an integrator, a blessing, they would not let black music through, a Messiah comes every thousand years and he was it this time. iv) Elvis was a good friend. One of the sweetest gentleman, and a good singer, ESPECIALLY with gospel.
** [[Little Richard]], i) NME 10-13 June 1969, referring to his engagement at the Aladdin in Las Vegas ii) in an interview with RollingStone's David Dalton, published in that magazine on May 28, 1970 iii) as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html iiv) a nod from one gospel and soul singer to another, particularly as many rock and roll, R&amp;B and soul singers from that era came from the church, from a 2010 jazz wax interview.

* I was 10 years old and  riding my bicycle  at the Paramount studios during the early years of &quot;My three sons&quot;, when suddently  I came over a huge Cadillac. I was looking at it in awe, and Elvis came from behind me and offered me to take a ride inside the lot. My dad had told me to never take a ride with strangers but  Elvis was no stranger to 60, even 100 million people in America, so I agreed. Anyways, I was amazed that he had a TV in a car.  It  was awesome to watch Popeye cartoons with him...
** {{w|Barry Livingston}}, in the Archives of Television clip

* He closes with a song called &quot;If I Can Dream,&quot; a late contribution from vocal arranger Walter Earl Brown -- a plea for peace and understanding that in the murderous year of 1968 had a timely urgency --; dressed all in white, planted before his name in lights forty feet high, he folds his body into the song as if in pain, a pain he means to kill with hope; it is as raw and real as any performance I've ever seen, the beginning of the last phase of Presley's career and, if much of what followed look like decline, it was also an apotheosis; he had only nine years to live.
** Robert Lloyd, staff writer for the Los Angeles Times in his article entitled &quot;The night Elvis reclaimed his crown&quot;, published on March 11, 2008, on the eve of the 40th Anniversary of his 1968 TV Special, and its special screening at Los Angeles' high Cinerama Dome.

* Elvis Presley. He was just the complete package. It's sort of the original.
** Josh Lloyd-Watson, founder of the UK band [[w:Jungle (band)|Jungle]], answering, on October 1, 2018, the question posed by Steve Baltin of [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine, as to who is the greatest lead singer ever.

* Elvis performed one of my songs but sadly he recorded it and that was the last thing he did. Therefore I killed him.”
** {{w|Andrew Lloyd Webber}}, in reference to &quot;It's easy for you&quot; being the last song recorded by Elvis, in an interview on the Graham Norton Show

*It's what Elvis Presley used to tell his fans every night. We might have played this song 2,000 times but there's a bunch of people out there who have never heard it played live.
** {{w|Dennis Locorriere}}, former lead vocalist and guitarist of Dr. Hook &amp; the Medicine Show, explaining why he always plays his hits during concerts, in an article published by the Warrington Guardian on 25 September 2017.

* He was the Neil Armstrong, the Edmund Hillary, the Elvis Presley of his sport. Sir Roger Bannister transcended athletics. He did...
** [[w:Gabby Logan|Gabby Logan]], the BBCTV Sports presenter and former Welsh_gymnast's laud of Sir [[w:Roger Bannister|Roger Bannister]],the first athlete to ever run the mile in under 4 minutes, as discussed during the BBC's coverage of the World Indoor Championships on the day of his death, March 3, 2018

* All right, all right, '''Elvis has left the building.''' I've told you absolutely straight up to this point. You know that. He has left the building. He left the stage and went out the back with the policemen and he is now gone from the building.
** Music promoter Horace Logan, after Elvis's performance in Shreveport, Louisiana on December 15, 1956

* I had two big brothers. One was into rockabilly and the other into R&amp;B. And the latter was the one who turned me onto everything from James Brown and Little Richard on through Aretha. And so I had this, what I call two ‘cradle’ languages and they somehow — I've spent my whole career trying to find that middle ground where I could blend the two. Now, being the first kid in my family to arrive home after school, I found myself in the position to raid my rockabilly brother's record collection, so I would always play ‘Hound Dog’, over and over and over again. And I had no visual to put with that. At age 8, I didn't know who Elvis Presley was, but the music was amazing. And it was all about fun, you know?
**[[w:Kenny Loggins|Kenny Loggins]], discussing his early influences, in an interview with Parade published on August 30, 2018.

*I've had offers to write a book about Elvis, but you know, they really didn't want to publish the stories I had to tell. They only wanted the dirt – the scandal. I never saw him use drugs and I never saw him being mean to people. He had problems, everybody does, but he was a sweet guy – real religious, and he was patriotic, he really loved America. The publishers said nobody wants to read about that stuff. I just couldn't be a part of another book trashing him, he was a real good guy and he was always nice to me.—
** Drummer [[w:Larrie Londin|Larrie Londin]], who played drums for Elvis several times during 1975 and 1976, as well as in his last 2 concerts. After Elvis' death, he also played in the Guitar Man 1981 sessions, from an interview by James Byron Fox, in 1991.

* He's a multi-genre artist. You can't put him in one bracket. And, why should you? He plays guitar. He also does hip-hop music by rapping and singing. Why should we have to put his music in a box? We all want something different. We all want something new. He is, to me, the all-around artist of today. We're looking at the modern-day Elvis.
** [[w:Dre London|Dre London]], manager of, and speaking about [[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]], in an interview with Billboard, published on 8 December 2007.

* A study of 2,000 UK normies has revealed the top artists which make them feel happy. Ranked at #4 is Elvis Presley regarded as one of the most iconic and influential icons of the 20th century, with songs such as &quot;Hound Dog&quot; and &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; leading a staggering 600 million records in sales worldwide.
** {{w|The London Economic}}'s laud of Elvis Presley as one of the top ten entertainers, and the top amongst those are non-UK nationals, who make the their public the most happy, as published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I'd had it in my head to be a pop star for some years before the loose idea of forming a band first bubbled up inside me. The trigger was going to see Jailhouse Rock at The Scotia cinema in 1958. I was 10-years-old and Elvis knocked me sideways and awakened all sorts of feelings inside.
** [[w:Alan Longmuir|Alan Lomgmuir]] Scottish musician and founding member of the band &quot;Bay City Rollers&quot;, in his autobiography I Ran With The Gang: My Life In and Out of The Bay City Rollers

* I taught him some lyrics in Spanish and he learned them. I wrote it for him the way it was sung (phonetically). He was very talented. It was very difficult Mexican music.
** Manny Lopez, RCA vibraphone recording artist known as the &quot;King of the Cha Cha&quot;, explaining how, under his tutelage, Elvis sang the Mexican standard, &quot;Guadalajara&quot;, (1963) in Spanish, like an authentic Mariachi, as published in Las Vegas' &quot;The Desert Sun&quot;, on March 16, 2007

* Elvis Presley this rare, talented, magnificent, generous and yet lonely man.A generosity that no celebrity could have. Giving for him was natural, but for those who received it was too much. Alone as few reach such dizzying heights. A prisoner of fame and fortune and a self-taught legend that surrounds him, but during those few brief years – especially during the times when Elvis, me and Marie were together – where we were able to share the special space reserved for the popular . Inside, together, none of us were alone.
** Actor [[w:Jack Lord|Jack Lord]], as noted in JL talks about Elvis, by Naomal de Si8lva

* I bet you wish they would stop screaming...
** Actress [[w:Sophia Loren|Sophia Loren]] telling Elvis she understood what fame brought in terms of fan's reactions, as recounted by photographer Bob Willoughby, present during their adhoc meeting at the Paramount Pictures Commissary and as published in the London newspaper 'The People' in 1994.

* Since the awards are all about history, I put together a few facts from the past that range from visits from famous political people such as President Kennedy and Winston Churchill to the following story about Elvis Presley staying in the hotel. He had ordered a hamburger cooked well-done and loved it so so much he went to the kitchen, found the cook and announced with a broad grin: “I just wanted to thank the person that made the best burger I have ever had.
** Bob Louis, Director of sales and marketing at Cincinnati Netherland Plaza Hotel, a finalist for the elite hotel national award, in an article by Brent Coleman, a WCPO contributor and published on November 2, 2016.

* i) The other recording session I always think of was Elvis. Not in my wildest dreams — I mean, it was like how is this little girl singing background for Elvis Presley? How do things like that happen? The stars lined up, everything was in order, and Elvis fell in love with me because of my gospel background. Whenever he would get a chance he would go to me, 'Do you know this song? Come on, let’s go sing it.' Gospel music was the closeness that we had. &quot;If I Can Dream&quot; is my all-time favorite Elvis song. It was a big record, but not as big as it could have been. It was one of those records where you'd think it sold 10 billion copies, but it didn't. I did that song in my show a couple of times, but it's a really hard song to sing, it really is, the meter is really difficult. You have to really study hard to learn how to sing that song. That's why I don't sing it anymore ii) He did interact with the Blossoms, but it had a lot to do with our gospel. I came from a gospel background and my father was a minister, so I knew a lot of old hymns of the church, and that's what Elvis sang. That's how he interacted with us. Actually, when he got ready to do his 1968 comeback special, we didn't know we were actually going to be in the special because we were just singing in the background. But because of us talking to him all the time, and talking to him about gospel and everything, he told the producers, &quot;No, I want the girls in this. I want them to be singing. He was a gentle giant.
** Actress and singer [[w:Darlene Love|Darlene Love]], i) in an interview for &quot;Vulture&quot;, published in the magazine's online edition on September 23, 2015 in an article entitled &quot;9 Behind-the-Scenes Stories from the Greatest Backup Singer Ever ii) in an interview with the Washington Post, and published on December 16, 2016 iii) Yahoo interview July 19, 2021

* He was in the big room at Western Recorders, and had his cape on at the time (laughs). He was preparing to go back out on tour and he was asking us, “Well, what’s it like?” He was a really kind gentleman, couldn't have been nicer and definitely knew who The Beach Boys were. We saw him play live in Vegas at The Hilton and he was darn good. I mean, what a voice...
** Singer [[w:Mike Love|Mike Love]], of the Beach Boys, recalling the day he met Elvis, as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* i)  Rather than a biopic, I see it as a canvas, hugely ambitious, but I want to cover his whole life, many aspects of which will be truly surprising. I am now listening to a lot of Elvis and his range astounds me, from Country and Western to rock, to soul and pop. That's probably the most misunderstood thing about him as a vocal artist. There was nothing he couldn't sing.ii) When I look at musical biography, it’s not really about the life, I’m not about lionising Elvis. I just saw him as the best canvas on which to explore America in the modern age, the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s.” The engine of that drama, he says, is the relationship between an artist who spanned genres, eras and races, and the P.T. Barnum character of Colonel Tom Parker, the former circus carny who made and then ruined him.I saw this story of the Colonel and Elvis as a really great prism through which to explore the latter part of the 20th century. Elvis represents what happens when a kid lives in one of four designated white houses in a black community. Something new comes about, a fusion between country and African-American music, gospel and country-and-western music.
** Director [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]], i) commenting in his screen biography of Elvis, as noted in VM Magazine's September 1, 2019, edition and in a USA Today interview published on december 24, 2019.ii) from an article entitled &quot;How Baz Luhrmann aims to make Australia the new Hollywood&quot;, as published on the Finantial re4view's Auhust 19, 2021 edition.

* As an artist, he always personified total unrestrain..
** Singer [[w:Luis Miguel|Luis Miguel]], Mexican singing superstar, a huge Elvis fan, as noted in page 195 of the book &quot;The rituals of chaos&quot;.

* This cat came out in red pants and a green coat and a pink shirt and socks, and he had this sneer on his face. He stood behind the mic for five minutes, I'll bet, before he made a move. Then he hit his guitar, a lick, and he broke two strings.So there he was, these two strings dangling, and he hasn't done anything except break the strings yet, and these high school girls were screaming and fainting and running up to the stage. Then he started to move his hips real slow, like he had a thing for his guitar.For the next nine days, he played one-nighters around Kilgore, and after school every day, me and my girl would get in the car and go wherever he was playing that night, in Gladewater, Alpine, Gonzales, and Lubbock, were other country singers witnessed the spectacle and heeded his call – Roy Orbison, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings. That was the last time I tried to sing like Webb Pierce or Lefty Frizzell.
** Singer [[w:Bob Luman|Bob Luman]] as told to journalist Paul Hemphill in 1969

* There's a speech in the play about a mythical bird that has no legs and can, therefore, never come to rest and just hovers in the sky until it does because there is no place to land. It evoked such a memory of what I felt when I watched Presley at work: something otherworldly, inhuman (not unhuman), a kind of restless spirit that could never rest anywhere. And I thought how extraordinary it might have been to hear that speech from someone exactly like that but totally unaware of his own separation from the rest of us'.
** Director {{w|Sidney Lumet}} as told to Elaine Dundy, author of &quot;Elvis And Gladys&quot; and in reference to his wish to have cast Elvis (whom he saw perform live in 1955) and not Marlon Brando in the lead role of &quot;The Fugitive Kind&quot;, his adaptation of Tennessee Williams' play &quot;Orpheus Descending&quot;

* During my long career in broadcasting, I've had the chance to interview lots of famous people; it was late summer in 1976 when I was sent out to the Arena to cover some sort of special announcement from manager Bob Kunkel, whose look, as soon as we entered the room, told us that this was no hunting and fishing extravaganza he was promoting but an Elvis Presley concert; before leaving, I cornered him to ask about helping arrange an exclusive interview; he laughed and said, 'Good luck with that'; so, instead, I managed to get six tickets, at 15 dollars each, with each of our daughters having to come up with five bucks each, on their own, to help cover the cost; the show itself was memorable for the music, and his voice was strong but he looked tired and not well. A few months later, Elvis was back; this time, his voice was even stronger but he looked worse; two months later, he was dead and that's when my family and I went to see him, one last time, in a memorable trip where we and thousands of others, walked slowly through those gates to view his grave. That 'show' was for free...
** Doug Lund, Director of KELO/TV, in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, recalling his sad, albeit memorable experience of not being able to interview Elvis twice, and his attending his funeral, all in a period of less than nine months, as published on 23 March, 2007 in KELOLAND.COM

* Whereas, Elvis Aaron Presley was born on this day in 1935 to Gladys Love and Vernon Elvis Presley in Tupelo, Mississippi and whereas Elvis' unparalleled style and song craft continues to thrill audiences, create fans and inspire new generations of musicians around the world every year we do hereby proclaim Jan. 8, 2018, as the day to celebrate the life, the work and the 83rd birthday of Elvis Aaron Presley. Thus we urge all citizens of the world to recognize the contributions of our own King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis Aaron Presley, to music, this community and the world,”
** Shelby County Mayor [[w:Mark Luttrell|Mark Luttrell]]'s proclamation, as delivered at the grounds of Graceland on January 8, 2018.

* Elvis and  I  were  working class kid possessed of strange charisma, an extraordinary sense of style and a talent for articulating an individual voice from unheard segments of society. Each used these gifts to change the path of pop music. I love Memphis. I'm in and out of Memphis all the time. I became almost a resident at The Peabody hotel, because I love it so much. And then you've got Lansky's, Elvis' tailor. I've always been madly, wildly attracted to his  style. He's one of the classiest dressers I've ever known.
** [[w:John Lydon|John Lydon]], known also by his stage name with the Sex Pistols (Johny Rotten) in his 1995 memoirs, &quot;No Dogs, No Blacks, No Irish&quot; as well as in a  2015 interview with Memphis' Commercial Appeal:

* Elvis did the Comeback Special in '68. He was falling in the ratings and it brought him right back onto the throne and, when you watch him sing – and &quot;Baby, what do you want me to do&quot; in particular, which is a cover of an R&amp;B song by Jimmy Reed, Elvis makes it his own – you see this music is HIM, he's got every inflection, every feeling 100 per cent out there for all to see, it's so thrilling to watch, it's infectious. With singers and musicians, there's the surface of something and then real deep levels of being IT, and nobody gets close to Elvis because he gets that thing at the deepest level and it comes alive with him and everybody feels it, and it's like magic. He looked so great in his black leather, but even if he looked weird he'd still be King. Elvis is the total package, he was born for it.&quot;
** Director [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]], who voted the 1968 Comeback Special as his number one musical performance of all time, as published in EIN´WWW page.

* As elusive as his book is, what is perceived as truth has remarkable staying power. Lynch uses an epigraph by Elvis Presley from whence comes the title of the book: “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.” The Janus-faced nature of the book is put into relief by setting it against the journalist's craft, a juxtaposition that permeates the story. At the end, even we the readers don't know the whole truth about the main character, Roger, but we also have learned that it is perceptions and innuendos that matter more anyway.
** About writer [[w:Jim Lynch (writer)|Jim Lynch]]'s novel ̊Truth like the Sun̠&quot;̊, as reviewed in rhapsodyinbookswordpresscom, on 15 April 2012

* After playing the ukulele I told my mother I wanted a solid body guitar, because I would then be able to sing Elvis. I really liked his songs, was determined to play guitar, and ended up recording “Don’t Be Cruel”, In fact, in grade schools they started calling me Elvis Presley, the black Elvis, - they said I was trying to wear my hair like Elvis. Then I formed an all an all girls band, Bobby Lynn and the Idols.
** {{w|Barbara Lynn}}, R&amp;B singer songwriter and left handed guitar player, in an interview for New Orleans public Radio, as published on November 11, 2016.

* Certainly the most recognisable and ubiquitous semiotic marker in American cultural history, he embodies the quintessence of the postmodern condition.
** {{w|Jean-Francois Lyotard}}, French philosopher, as noted in the Journal of Literary Studies Volume 26, 2010 – Issue 2.

== See also ==
* [[Elvis Presley]]
* [[Quotes about Elvis Presley (M–Z)]]

[[Category:Rock and roll]]
[[Category:Pop music]]
[[Category:Rockabilly]]
[[Category:Country music]]
[[Category:Soul music]]
[[Category:Rhythm and blues]]
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== A ==

* When I was about five years old, they again showed &quot;Aloha from Hawaii&quot; here in Norway. I had my parents wrapped around my finger, so they would let me stay up and watch it, because it was on after midnight. I was so amazed by the performance......
** {{w|Abbath}}, Norway's globally renowned black metal superstar, as told to Tim Dawson of Team Rock, and published on 15 November 2016....

* That is why we can waste no time promoting legitimate role models. This is where N.B.A. players come in. In 1956, Elvis Presley received his polio vaccine before one of his appearances on television, launching a highly effective vaccination campaign that by 1960 had reduced annual occurrences of polio by 90 percent. Health policy professionals suggest that public health campaigns using celebrities should focus on celebrities who are influential in particular communities in order to build trust. N.B.A. players, 81.1 percent of whom are Black, appeal to the under-35 and African-American demographics
** {{w|Kareem Abdul-Jabbar}}, in an Opinion Editorial on the Covid 19 pandemia, entitled &quot;We Should Let Some N.B.A. Players Jump the Vaccine Queue&quot;, as published in the NYT's February 1, 2021 edition.

* Love you allways (Sic), from the XXXX King
** Photo dedication to Elvis by {{w|Saud of Saudi Arabia|Prince Abdulmehsen}}, the 13th son of King {{w|Saud of Saudi Arabia|Saud of Saudi Arabia}} and one of his several wives, Zainab (Um Thamer). A grammar and middle school student in London since the early 50's, and a huge Elvis fan, he and his three men entourage visited him at his rented house at #14 Goethestraße in Bad Nauheim, Germany on August 22, 1959 in order to gift him with a Royal Arabic black caftan and a Tea Service with the Royal Coat of Arms, all of it as a sign of gratitude for Elvis having helped the King and his 75 person entourage, secure an entire hotel, the Grunewald, in Bad Nauheim, in January of that same year (Elvis and his family who had taken an entire floor, vacated it, in order for the King to have full privacy), as noted in the book &quot;A Date With Elvis: Army Years Revisited&quot; by Andreas Schröer. (&quot;Ein königlicher Besuch&quot;

* It's probably asking too much that “Ruben Brandt, Collector” sustain its pop-art ebullience across its entire running time. But the dips are hardly depressions, and there's nearly always a frisky detail to enjoy or virtuosic tableau to bathe in, all of it augmented wonderfully by Tibor Cári's appealing score. Mostly, though, Krstić, whose background encompasses set design and sculpture, painting and photography, has shown everybody how to throw down the first-feature gauntlet at the age of 66: with Warhol's holstered “Elvis I &amp; II” facing down our hero and declaring, “Draw!”
** Robert Abele, reviewing for the Los Angeles Times Milorad Krstić's animated film “Ruben Brandt, Collector” and as published in their November 13, 2018 edition.

* By honoring Presley with the Medal of Freedom, the President paid tribute to someone who arguably did as much to bridge the cultural and racial divide as anyone who ever lived, an impressive and unifying act from someone usually considered the most divisive of presidents.
** Gary Abernathy, contributor for the {{w|Washington Post}}, in an article dated 20 November 2018, and entitled &quot;Trump honoring Elvis? It's about time&quot;, in reference to Elvis' being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, in a ceremony held at the East Room in the White House, on November 16, 2018

* Songwriter Earl Brown was tapped to create a special finale song that reflected Elvis' emotions about the social upheaval of the time. According to the show's director {{w|Steve Binder}}, the resulting song, “If I Can Dream,” was recorded with Elvis in the dark, almost in a fetal position, writhing on top of the studio's cement floor. And when he got done, Elvis came in the control room and asked for the song to be played more than a dozen times. Later, Binder also crafted a gospel segment populated with racially diverse singers and dancers, which he knew would spotlight the Southern-born Presley's disdain for prejudice. Fittingly, it was the highest-rated TV special of 1968 and signalled the rebirth of Elvis's career.
** Lori Acken, of ReMIND Magazine, reviewing NBC-TV's 1968 Elvis special, as published on February 6, 2018

* I loved Elvis since i was a kid, as my dad was a huge Elvis fan. His range was incredible high, or low and he could croon. His impact on me was his love of African American music.
** {{w|Yolanda Adams}}, in a filmed interview for Gracelancom

* I am reminded of a comment made shortly after the death of Elvis Presley by a musician he had worked with. He pointed out that despite an impressive vocal range of two and a half octaves and something approaching perfect pitch, Elvis was totally willing to sing off-key when he thought the song required it. Those off-key notes were art.
** Patrick H. Adkins, [http://www.strangeexcursions.com/vaults/index.htm ''The Dream Vaults of Opar'']

* One of the pieces recently up for auction by Phillips-- and setting the record for the most expensive Omega ever to sell at auction – was a wrist watch given to Elvis Presley by RCA Records in 1961 to celebrate his 75 millionth record sold. The 33&amp;nbsp;mm 18-karat white gold manually wound watch features a bezel set with 44 brilliant cut diamonds. The caseback features the engraving: “To Elvis, 75 Million Records, RCA Victor, 12-25-60. We were in on the bidding for that watch, which, according to our man there, Petros Protopapas, was very intense, with several watch collectors and Elvis collectors in on it. It was the most anyone at Omega had ever authorized to put a bid in for, and ultimately we garnered the piece at a hammer price of $1.8 million with buyers’ fees and premiums. In fact, we could have secretly bid on it, but we wanted people to know that it was us bidding for it and why we were doing it as this is an important part of our past and it should not be locked in a safe, but in our Museum, so we can shared it with the world.
** {{w|Omega SA|Raynald Aeschlimann}}, CEO of Omega, discussing with Forbes the power of vintage watches as published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I went to college in New Jersey and started off singing at open-mic spots in bars. I was so dreadful it embarrasses me even now to think about it. Music was always a passion growing up, like I used to translate Elvis Presley songs into Russian and sing them at home. Now that I've had a few multi-platinum albums in Russia, I want to have a go at Ireland, the UK and the rest of Europe. My heroes were Elvis, Elvis and Elvis! One of my favourite Elvis songs is My Boy, and now that I have been told that it was written by an Irishman [Phil Coulter] I love it even more.
** {{w|Emin Agalarov}}, singer and businessman, son of Russian billionaire {{w|Aras Agalarov}}, in an article published in the USA Today affiliated North New Jersey's July 13, 2017 online edition, as well as following an interview published in the Irish Times̪ March 22, 2015 edition.

* It must have been in January of 1958 when I went to a record store to buy a 45rpm single for my older sister's birthday. I was 8 years old. When I got there, I asked if they had &quot;Wake up little Suzie&quot; by the Everly Brothers, a song she had told me was her favourite of those then playing on Mexican radios. They did, and just as it was being wrapped up the salesperson told me that there was a special, if I bought another. I asked which one should I get and he said, &quot;Of course, anything by Elvis&quot;. So, inspite of never having heard of Elvis, I got the &quot;two for one&quot; special and headed back home. When my sister arrived from school I gave the Everly's record to her, &quot;two weeks in advance&quot; I said, but only as long as she allowed me to play the one I had bought for free. It was &quot;Don't be cruel&quot; with &quot;Hound Dog&quot; on the B side. The moment I heard the A side, that was it...
** {{w|Reforma|Enrique Sealtiel Alatriste y Lozano}}, Mexican writer, promoter and diplomat, in his article, &quot;Elvis Presleyː An out of time obituary&quot;, as published in la Revista de la UNAM. His timing was superb, as in less than 12 months, in June of 1959, there would be no Elvis records to be found in Mexican stores, as the second of his many bans there began to executed by the Government authorities.

* He was an extraordinary figure of his and our time, his legacy tremendous in terms of the music he created, his films, and as an entertainment personality. The generosity that he showed toward others is simply remarkable and I think it's these aspects of his character, his persona, that make him such a special person.
** {{w|Albert II, Prince of Monaco}}, after his visit to Graceland on August 7, 2010 as noted by EPE.

* In an era when radio stations refused to play Chuck Berry songs, calling it “race music”, Elvis broke down barriers.
** {{w|Janet Albrechtsen}}, Australian columnist, in an article entitled &quot;Beware mob rule in the new racism&quot; published in The Australian on 23 November 2017.

* I've kind of been infatuated with Elvis since I was a kid, just always watching documentaries and stuff on him. It had a little bit to do with that and, honestly, I just wanted him to have something that wasn't very common.
** {{w|Jason Aldean}}, explaining why he and his wife named their first son Memphis, as published on Soundslike Nashville on September 30, 2017.

* I remember we were in his bathroom, he took my hand, asked me to sit down in a black leather chair, said some beautiful things and then he asked me to marry him.
** {{w|Personal relationships of Elvis Presley|Ginger Alden}}, who found Elvis lifeless in the main bathroom at Graceland, six weeks after he asked her to marry him in that same bathroom, in an interview for CBS aired in 1982.

* When Elvis Presley died, he left a worldwide legion of music fans in mourning. It was no different on Long Island, where he had been scheduled to perform at the Nassau Coliseum a week later. As many as 700 fans had camped out overnight to buy tickets to the concert, which sold out quickly. On Aug. 22, the night the concert had been scheduled, over 5,000 fans gathered in the Coliseum parking lot for an impromptu tribute to Elvis that lasted two hours. Of the 16,700 tickets that had been sold, only 1,250 were returned for refund....
** Michael Alexander, quoting an Editor's note of a {{w|Newsday}} story originally published on Aug. 17, 1977.

*  When Elvis Presley  died in 1977 I was no more than six. On that summer night in August I was sitting between my parents in my grandfather’s house in Italy where we were spending the summer holiday. We were watching television, then delivering to viewers the news of his death, with scenes of fans wailing at the departure of the artist who had engaged the world with his music and gyrating dancing, and personal charisma that made him adored by girls and an inspiration for boys.  Last Thursday, at around midnight I received a call from one of my friends telling me that Michael Jackson had died, and one website confirmed the news even before CNN had.   Both of them died, and there have still been those who say that death has not touched them and that they still live amongst us with their music and greatness.
** Yasser Al Ghaslan,  Saudi blogger and journalist, as noted in the Global Voice's 30 June 2009 edition.  

* To host a Warhol show in a Hollywood Regency home felt like such an incredible opportunity, so when we were presented with it, we jumped at the chance. Given Warhol's fascination with Elvis, it was like this incredible opportunity to reenergize the home with the ghosts of the past in a supercool way. Part of what we love at the Future Perfect in general is the possibility to create that social interaction with the work that we present, because it completely changes the psychology of how you view it.”
** David Alhadeff, founder of Future Perfect, a design gallery one of whose Los Angeles locations is at Elvis former home at the Trousdale Estates, now known as Casa Perfect, in an article published at {{w|Vogue (magazine)|Vogue Fashion}}'s February 20,2019 edition.

* As a child,  I saw Elvis Presley. So that was something, I mean he was this person with a guitar and  that  was the image I wanted to be. I wanted to be a musician so  I got my first guitar when I was thirteen years old, and I felt, oh man, now that I have the guitar, I got the music. But it started from that....
** {{w|Lucky Ali}},  on what pushed him  towards music, in an interview with WION'a published in their April 6, 2022 edition. 

* Let us remember that Elvis’s style — which often included all-leather outfits and flashy jumpsuits — was also controversial for its mid-century time period. So, is Post Malone truly our modern-day Presley? Judging by his care-free attitude and penchant for leather Cuban heeled boots —another, Presley favorite—the verdict would appear to be yes.
** Cristian Allaire, for {{w|Vogue (magazine)|Vogue}}, in an article entitled &quot;Is {{w|Post Malone}} the new Elvis Presley of today?&quot;, as published on December 2, 2018

* I was standing in the hallway, just before the show, and one of the managers told him there was a girl on the telephone who was in the hospital. She said she had tickets for the show but couldn't come as she had a serious illness. And Elvis said, 'I want to talk to her', so he marched into a room and held up the entire show for fifteen minutes to talk to that girl, asking her several questions, with warmth and interest. Just before hanging up, I remember he said, 'No, honey I don't have a blue Cadillac. I've got a pink one, a black one, a white one – a pause, and then he said, oh yeah, I do have a blue one'. He was a gentleman and I respected that immensely.
** Lew Allen, a then 17 year old student who went on to earn an Associate's Degree in photography and a B.A. in Fine Arts/Photography from the Rochester Institute of Technology. He was asked to photograph Elvis at the Cleveland Arena in Ohio, on November 23, 1956 because of a labour strike affecting the three major newspapers, as told by Mr. Allen in an interview published in Rock paper on June 6, 2005.

* I didn't know very much about him, and those in the business knew very little about him. But, he was in the Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, so I saw this kid and it was hard to say what he had, but there was something unusual about him. He had an interesting quality and his sound wasn't that important. It was the way he conducted himself, the way he put a song over. Anyway, I made a note immediately to book him for our new show, and we just had the good fortune that between that night and when he appeared a few weeks later suddenly there was a lot of controversy and media attention.
** {{w|Steve Allen}}'s answer as to how did the Elvis appearance in his ABC.TV show, which drew 40 million viewers following the NBC TV Milton Berle controversy came about, as told in an interview on June 30 of 1996.

* It was like a country show back then and we got to open it and we did a couple of his songs, which was just stupid because we thought we'd impress him and he'd like us. The first time I saw him play – I'd seen him one time before that particular tour came to town where we opened the show for him- I just couldn't believe it. He was such a rocker. I'd never seen anything like that before. Buddy was terribly impressed as well. All of us the same. Turned into a big fan. Buddy tried to sound like him for months. And personally, he was as charismatic as he could be...
** {{w|Jerry Allison}}, drummer for Buddy Holly, as well as the Crickets, recalling the early days when they opened for Elvis at Buddy Holly's hometown of Lubbock, Texas, as published in Classicbands.com

* Rock n' roll, through Elvis, became a target of southern segregationists, who believed that race mixing led, inevitably, to miscegenation and that exposure to black culture promoted juvenile delinquency and sexual immorality
** {{w|Glenn C. Altschuler}}, in his book &quot;All Shook Up: How Rock 'n Roll Changed America&quot; (Oxford University Press 2003)

* Obama is like Elvis, there will always be demand for impersonators of such popular and historical people.
** Ilham Anas, Indonesia's most successful Obama impersonator, as reporter in This week in Asia, on November 5, 2016.

* After one of Elvis Presley's last shows, I was heading back to my car when a matron from Zachary stopped me and gushed about how wonderful he had been. Didn't you just LOVE him?&quot; she asked. &quot;Well, I thought he looked tired and sick and was just going through the motions.&quot; Whereupon she whacked me on the head with the rolled-up Elvis poster she was carrying. LOL. I took it in stride — nobody ever said it was easy being a music critic. ...
** Music critic Smiley Anders, writing for The {{w|The Advocate (Louisiana)|Advocate}} in an article published on their March 25, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley has been such a determining force in music, before and after his death. On a personal level, I owe so much to Elvis as he is essentially the musician who pushed me to be the performer I am. I have always loved his music so I am returning to celebrate him along with some of my amazing musician friends.
** {{W|Daniel Anderson}}, vocalist in the Harvey World Travel East of London-organized benefit for the Cancer Association of South Africa (Cansa)'s, entitled The Wonder of You: The Story of Elvis, as reported by the Go&amp;Express, on October 6, 2017

* I discovered the blues in a funny kind of a way, from the age of seven when I was listening to my father's war-time collection of big band jazz. It had that thing about it – I didn't really know what it was –, that set the pulse racing a bit; and then I heard echoes of it again, with early Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Ian Anderson}}, singer, flautist and leader of Jethro Tull, explaining to G.Brown, of the Denver Music Examiner, his first experience with hearing the blues, starting at the age of 7, as published in that newspaper's online edition, on August 11, 2008.

* Unbelievable! To hear my father grouped together with Elvis Presley, William Faulkner and Eudora Welty, it's a dream.
** John Anderson, son of painter {{w|Waltyer Inglis Anderson}}, speaking of his father's induction into the Mississippi Arts and Entertainment Experience Hall of Fame, as reported by ABC center on December 16, 2017, with the other 17 members being Jimmie Rodgers, Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, B.B. King, Leontyne Price, Elvis Presley, James Earl Jones, Jim Henson, Morgan Freeman, Oprah Winfrey, Sela Ward, George Ohr, William Faulkner, Richard Wright, Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, and John Grisham

* His latest album, &quot;Piano&quot;, is a collection of his past work, stripped down so all you hear is his beloved piano. It was hearing an Elvis Presley song that sparked his passion for the piano when he was young.
** About ABBA-founder {{w|Benny Andersson}}'s decision to take up piano, at age 11 in his native Sweden, specifically after hearing &quot;Treat me nice&quot;, the B side of the &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; single, as noted by Tom Power of CBCRadio on December 10, 2017

* After doing ‘Dr. No’ with {{w|Sean Connery}}, the brass at Paramount proposed that I co-star with Elvis. At first I turned the offer down, mainly because after having dated {{w|James Dean}}, I had imagined Elvis to be an &quot;ordinary&quot; person. So they organized a meet-up and, to my amazement, I immediately fell for his charm. He was extremely well educated and when I told him I hated Rock and that I liked Gospel, he gave me his entire collection of gospel songs. Little did I know that was his main source of inspiration. Anyways, we became instant friends and he loved to cook for me when we were on location. He told me he would have loved to live in Europe and, when I told him my husband had sold our {{w|BMW 507}}, he gave me another as a present. Twenty years later, in 1982, I auctioned the one Elvis gave me for US$300,000 and then the person who bought it from me later sold it for 1.2 million UK pounds. He was in fact, a one in a billion type, a wholly adorable person and we remained in touch till his death.
** Swiss actress {{w|Ursula Andress}} in an interview published in Mujer Hoy, on 12 January 2016.

* His knowledge was even more extensive than mine. I prided myself on knowing all that stuff. And man, we'd be hanging out and Elvis would be talking about singers I didn't even know about!!!.
** {{w|Sherman Andrus}}, Gospel Music Hall of Fame and one of the first African Americans to be integrated into a Southern Gospel group, (Elvis' personal group The Imperials), attesting to Elvis' deep knowledge of African American Gospel music, from the Gospel side of Elvis.

* My older brothers played Elvis all the time and there was a lot about his music that inspired us all. Not only an inspiration but he showed up to give his generation permission on a lot of fronts to carry a torch. When I finally met him in Houston, it was like a receiving line at a wedding, as surreal a moment as any in my life. I could not even actually shake his hand. I just bowed.
** Canadian singer {{w|Andy Kim}}, interviewed by phone from Toronto by Patrick Bales and published on the Orillia Packet &amp; Time website on March 17, 2017

* Beto, he's a rock star right now, he's Elvis Presley,
** Maximo Anguiano, of the Texas Organizing Project, in reference to {{w|Beto O’Rourke}} being the candidate who could unseat Sentaro Ted Cruz in the 2018 mid-term elections.

* In Vegas, we'd meet and we'd talk about everything. Slowly he started coming over to see my show; he'd sit up there and I'd come back after the show and we'd talk music. He would show up, this incredible God-like figure. He had everything, and the voice —what a great voice he had. Then, on August 17, 1977 I happened to be in Las Vegas, so when I turned on the news and learned of his death, I cried all day. He was a cool, nice man.
** {{w|Paul Anka}}, from his autobiography &quot;My way&quot;

* I want to celebrate his life. He was so gifted, I just cherish his memory, his generosity, and he was so private, like I am. He knew about honour, and respect, and was so considerate, and his manners, and the way he was so civilized. And as an entertainer he will never be repeated. I wanted him to know all that, and I did tell him, but very few others did...
** Actress and entertainer {{w|Ann Margret}}, in an interview with Charlie Rose, as broadcast on February 11, 1994.

* I think there was that part of the so-called punk idea that everything in the past was rubbish and all that mattered was punk. I was never really interested in the spitting and the safety pins or that nonsense. I liked the Sex Pistols, and that was about it. Adam and the Ants were very much outside of that anyway. So my liking of Elvis and rock and roll music that I'd grown up with was always in there; it was always something that was a big influence. Elvis's death was tragic, I remember when he died, it was a very sad day in general, so it's obviously a great loss to everybody. I never thought, Oh, he was something that didn't matter, because he did. I have visited Graceland and you could see the man was overwhelmingly honest. He never professed any taste other than his own, that is, country boy made good. He never pretended to be anyone else.
** {{w|Adam Ant}}, leader of Adam and the Ants, a punk rock band, in an article published on September 5 2017, at the Tampa Bay Times

* One day while he and Richard Davis were conversing he removed the watch from his wrist, handing it to Davis and stating there was something wrong with the back of it. When Davis turned the timepiece over to inspect it, he saw to his great surprise that the case back had been inscribed, &quot;To Richard, From E.P. Elvis then said, &quot;I guess it's yours now&quot;. He was known for being extremely generous, often giving away his valuable personal belongings as presents so it was not surprising that he gifted his prized 18kt yellow gold {{w|Corum (watchmakers)|Corum}} Buckingham to Davis.
** {{w|Antiquorum|Antiquorum Auctioneers}}'s notes for those attending the November 11 2018 auction held in Geneva, Switzerland, and highlighting the sale of a yellow 18k gold Corum 1960 Buckingham wristwatch gifted by Elvis to Richard Davis, his long time friend and last wardrobe manager, as detailed in Antiquorum webpage.

* It was the early 1970s. I was 22, working in some little show in a hotel that's now gone, and he was doing a gig at the Las Vegas Hilton. We met backstage at a Tom Jones concert, then he showed me some karate moves, with a small party of folks ending up at his penthouse suite. There, he turned to me and said he had something to show me in his bedroom, so I thought, 'Oh, here comes the cliche,’ Turns out, he just wanted to read to me from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet.” It was a sweet moment, as he sat on a footstool beside me and read like a child, his finger following the text. He signed the book, gave it to me and told me to have a blessed life. He was so sweet, that's what struck me the most. In retrospect, I view him as a prisoner of his fame. That, and his roots in gospel music and the church, fueled his desire to seek out more knowledge about the world and self-realization.
** Actress {{w|Susan Anton}}, as told to Michael Grossberg at Dispatchcom.

* &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight?” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart on Nov. 28, 1960, becoming Elvis' 15th No. 1 single. It would remain at the top of the chart for six weeks and nominated for Grammy Awards for Best Performance by a Pop Single Artist and Best Male Vocal Performance. A live version recorded in 1969 in which Elvis cracks up laughing almost throughout the spoken-word section would be a minor hit in England in the 1980s. At one point in that recording, Elvis becomes even more amused at one of his backup singers, who continues her part despite his laughter. That singer was Cissy Houston – Whitney Houston's mother.
** Charles Apple, in an article entitled &quot;Hitmaker&quot; as published in Spokane's {{w|The Spokesman-Review}}'s November 22, 2020 edition

* The biggest surprise about his singing had been revealed when he gave us a private concert and sang &quot;Love me tender&quot; a soft, ultra-slow ballad at the quaint music bungalow on the far west side of 20th Century lot. It was away from the bustle of traffic and from the big stages and it looked like the kind of cottage Walt Disney would have built for Snow White and Prince Charming. This was where Elvis felt relaxed, comfortable. So Ken Darby sat at the grand piano at the far end of the living room and Elvis stood a few feet behind him and in front of a tall stained-glass window. He stood erect, as if he was in a choir. Ken started to play the soft melody and I hardly knew that Elvis had started to sing, as his voice, barely louder than the piano, was pitched slightly higher than his usual. It had a lot of resonance and vibration and Elvis was on-key for every note, no matter how long, short, high or low. When he finished, it seemed only normal to express our amazement. &quot;People think all I can do is belt, I used to sing nothing but ballads before I went professional. I love to sing slow, but seldom get to do it&quot;, he said, then continued to explain that, as a boy, an only child, he would sing like that when he sang with his mother and dad in church. &quot;It was a small church, only seated about 75, you couldn't sing too loud there.&quot;
** {{w|Army Archerd}}, a columnist for Variety then interviewing Elvis for the Photoplay magazine and who was present at the sessions, including an intimate concert for a dozen or so, which preceded the actual recording of the &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; soundtrack, as noted in a document entitled &quot;Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1956)&quot; as digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from Media History Digital Library.

* In the high-stakes game of Los Angeles real estate, a good celebrity pedigree is always a bonus. Of course, not all celebrities are created equal. A home that was once owned by Cary Grant or Elizabeth Taylor, for instance, would probably hold broader appeal than one formerly inhabited by, say, Zsa Zsa Gabor. On that score, David Alhadef definitely struck gold when he discovered the new location for Casa Perfect, the L.A. outpost of his furniture mecca, the Future Perfect: designed in 1958 by architect Rex Lotery and renovated in the mid-1960s, the house is an idiosyncratic mash-up of classic California modernism and Hollywood Regency. For six years, it belonged to Elvis Presley.
** Mayer Rus, for {{w|Architectural Digest}} in an article entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's Once-Home roars back to life as a dazzling showplace for contemporary furnishings, as published in AD's February 18, 2018 edition.

* When I actually received the phone call, I couldn’t help my mind racing back to one magical day in 1956, that’s always remained vivid in my memory. When my cousin, four years older than me, played me two and a half minutes of music, which changed my life. That music was Elvis Presley, singing Hound Dog, and for the next six months – to my mother's absolute horror – I didn't want to hear anything but the rawest rock'n'roll I could lay my hands on. Do you know? For those who didn’t live through the Fifties, it’s really hard to imagine the enormous cultural gulf which existed between England and America at that time. Elvis himself was a God and in some of the first footage that we saw in England, seemed to us like an alien super being from a distant universe. I was 11 years old and I couldn’t in any way imagine being part of the same world. These early years were something of a dream. By 1964, we got a recording contract with Decca and then unbelievably by Christmas, found ourselves topping the U.S charts with our first record, “She’s Not There.” This magic land, which only eight years before had seemed so unimaginably remote and unconquerable and even more unbelievably, something we didn't find out until many years later, Elvis actually had our records on his jukebox. I could not believe that!
**{{w|Rod Argent}} English musician, speaking about his reaction when told his band the Zombies would be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as noted by RollingStone's 30 March,2019 edition.

* I had been called up for national service and was stationed in Germany at the same time as Elvis when I came across an article on him in a magazine. The article even had his address in Germany, so with a girl friend we set off one morning to find him. We went there and rang the bell, it was a Sunday morning. The maid answered it and told us he'd be down in a few minutes. There was nobody else there, except my friend and I. He took us inside the hallway, and we had a nice chat. He posed for photographs and signed autographs. We were very lucky that morning.
** Arthur Armstrong, on his love of Elvis Presley, as originally featured in a 2011 article in {{w|The Impartial Reporter}} and again reproduced on their issue of 7 January 2019, following his death at age 81 on December 12, 2018.

* If anything, it's a lot of people here right now. It's like my record collection is actually sitting in this room. I'm truly fortunate. You know, I've always loved rock &amp; roll music. I always have. Soon as I opened my eyes and took my first breath, I was a fan. With my brother David, we listened to Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Mötley Crüe and Cheap Trick and Pyromania by Def Leppard. My oldest brother Alan, he had the Beatles and the Stones and the Kinks. My sister Hollie was like &quot;Kool and the Gang.&quot; My sister Anna for that record collection that turned my world inside out. And my sister, Marci, who's pretty much the person who showed me Elvis Presley for the first time. Thank you so much.
** Excerpted from {{w|Billie Joe Armstrong}}'s acceptance speech, as the founder, lead singer and frontman of the US punk supergroup [[Green Day]], one of the 5 artists being chosen as performers at the 2015 edition of the inductees gala for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as published in its entirety by RollingStone magazine on April 18, 2015.

* I'm definitively going to make a record with him. You would be surprised what we could do together. You ask me if I think he is good. How many Cadillacs was it he bought.? That boy's no fool...
** {{w|Louis Armstrong}}, interviewed by Memphis Press Scimitar, March 1, 1957 edition.}

* My cuban blood was flowing. My hips were revolving. I would have made Elvis look as if he was standing still
** {{w|Desi Arnaz}}, in his bio, &quot;A book&quot; , referring to his moves in 1939, while doing the conga. 

* George H.W. Bush was equally at ease in all settings, something that seemed so characteristic of the man I revered. But my work with him didn't end when he left politics. While working in government relations for Shell, I sometimes hosted foreign Ambassadors visiting Houston. On one occasion the Ambassador of Ukraine, Yuriy Shcherbak, was in town to meet with officials at NASA, give speeches and join up with the Ukrainian community there. On the last morning the Ambassador, who was a fan of Elvis Presley, did a live television interview on what by sheer coincidence happened to be Elvis' birthday, and the station had an Elvis impersonator on the set, to do a routine. When “Elvis” and the Ambassador crossed in the green room, the two exchanged bear hugs, and we took pictures. We later arrived at Bush's office, and he cordially received Ambassador Schckerbak and asked how the visit had gone. He politely talked about the various events, then with a twinkle in his eye said: “And this morning Bill introduced me to Elvis!”. Bush gave me a quizzical look as if to ask, “What have you done now?” The Ambassador then recounted the whole tale, followed by robust laughter all around...
** Bill Arnold, former advance man for the then ( in 1980, therefore three years after Elvis̪ death), Vice Presidential candidate George H.W. Bush and, since 2000 Professor at the {{w|Jesse H. Jones Graduate School of Business}}, at Rice University, recalling the Ukrainian Ambassador̪ to the US's fascination for all things Elvis, in an article written for the Houston Chronicle on the day after President Bush, for whom he worked, was laid to rest, December 5, 2018.

* Of course, it was 1957, he had a beautiful blonde on the back of his motorcycle. Now, I wasn't watching the blonde and I didn't know who he was, so I took him down to the Las Vegas police station where I then worked and I gave him a pass...
** Former Arizona Sheriff {{w|Joe Arpaio}}, recalling his most memorable traffic stop, which involved a speeding motorcycle driven by a young Elvis, as published in an interview with CBS's channel 5 on August 8, 2018.

* Arguably some of the most important tracks in the history of Rock and Roll, Elvis' SUN recordings demonstrate what a dynamic and talented vocalist he was; the young, raw, unadulterated Elvis whom musicologist Francis Davis once called &quot;the greatest white blues singer”; I'm not one to argue with Mr. Davis.
** ''Art's Strange World'' review of the CD &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot; (15 August 2007)

* Elena Quarestani, an Italian collector with a {{w|Salvador Dalí}} painting, was entangled in these onerous rules, namely the Milanese officials wanting to protect his &quot;Figure at a Table&quot; (1925) as an example of Italian cultural heritage even though it is an early work of his that does not incorporate any of the motifs for which he is known. He would likely be amused by the surreality of the government's arbitrary ruling. Similarly, Andy Warhol would have loved that two of his early paintings hung in a casino in the German town of Aachen, a spa city near the border with Belgium and the Netherlands. On their way to slot machines and poker tables, gamblers passed &quot;Triple Elvis&quot;, a 1963 silkscreen painting of three life-size images of Elvis Presley on a silver background and &quot;Four Marlons&quot;, a 1966 silkscreen painting of four life-sized images of Marlon Brando on a motorcycle. Purchased in the late 1970s for $185,000 (approximately $700,000 today), the paintings were part of a plan to glamorize an otherwise off-the-beaten-track gambling parlor. When the casino conglomerate that owned the Aachen operation fell on hard times, a German state-owned bank seized control of the company and decided to sell the paintings. The sale was a reasonable action by the owners to raise cash for a troubled company. But protesters emerged, claiming this was a dangerous sale of cultural property owned by a state-run financial institution. The sale went ahead anyway, and the works sold for $151.1 million.
** {{w|Artsy (website)|Artsy}}'s Doug Woodham, in an article entitled &quot;Why Becoming a National Treasure Can Lower an Artwork’s Value&quot;, as published on their January 2, 2019 edition.

* I am the greatest contemporary artist of all-time.
** Rapper {{w|ASAP Rocky}}´s claim, which writer Jake Boyer of &quot;Highnobiety&quot; sarcastically said &quot;puts him the same playing field as everyone from Michelangelo to Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in their online page on November 22, 2017.

* He was stationed in Germany doing his service so on the occasion he would go visit Paris coinciding with my time there. On his first visit, he took 40 dancing girls from the Lido to the Prince des Galles Hotel. On his next, he suddenly took a great shine to me but when someone told him I was trans-sexual, he stayed away. But, if by chance we would be in the same club, he would sent me a bottle of champagne every time. He was a divine human being.
** {{w|April Ashley}}, a MBE, born George Jamieson and the first male Briton to have full {{w|sex reassignment surgery}}, recalling the time she met Elvis in 1959, as published in the Mirror on November 4, 2018.

* I found him to be an interesting person, had an entourage of good old boys, was busy with karate, breaking his hand while doing it, but he was nice and cooperative and friendly. I really liked him.
** {{w|Ed Asner}}, on the first time he met and worked with Elvis, namely during the shoot of &quot;Kid Gallahad&quot;, in 1962, in an article published on July 16, 2018 on the Houston Chronicle.

* South African Elvis fans won't see his new movie 'Flaming Star' in their country. The government, which has strict laws to keep the races separate, banned the picture because Presley plays the son of an American Indian woman and a white man
** An {{w|Associated Press}} report from Johannesburg, dated May 31, 1961, the day when the film was set to open at theatres throughout the then Apartheid-ruled Republic of South Africa. A day later, 20th Century-Fox appealed and as a result the Board of Censors lifted the ban, on condition that the film not be shown to the country's indigenous population, with the film then opening to segregated theatres, starting in Durban in early June. However, it was permanently banned on cinemas in Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania, as colonial government officials in those territories were afraid the movie could reignite racial tensions in the aftermath of the bloody {{w|Mau Mau rebellion}}.

* Princesses Margrit of Denmark (now HRH, the Queen of Denmark), Margaret of Sweden and I, were assigned to represent the people of Scandinavia on the SAS' maiden intercontinental flight to Los Angeles. We went to Disneyland, then to the Paramount Studios. He was making a film, we watched him sing a song and then he greeted us. He was very polite, a man with an M in capital letters. He was very pretty, had been our idol and we three had heard all his records, seen all his movies, so when I found out he had died, I was very saddened.
**{{w|Princess Astrid, Mrs. Ferner|Princess Astrid of Norway}}, as told to Roger Mostad, son of Tod Mogstad, the Princess's personal hairdresser on October 12, 1987, and as detailed in a clip from youtube, THE KING, THE PRINCESS &amp; ME

* In times of trouble, I put my faith in Elvis Presley, who represented the South's better angels. He was a hard worker, and although he lived the high life, he never forgot that he had been born into poverty. And he was a self-made talent, perhaps the greatest entertainer of all time, born in a two-room shack in Tupelo, Miss., in 1935. I've been to that small shotgun house many times, reflecting on what it says about America. Greatness can be born anywhere. His father Vernon was a laborer who was often out of work, and the Presleys relied on the kindness of family and neighbors to get them through the hard times.When Elvis was young, the Presleys lost it, and they ended up shuttling around Tupelo, often living in black neighborhoods, where Elvis famously developed an ear for black gospel and blues to supplement his love of the old-time gospel he knew from his own church.I still believe in my heart that most Southerners are still more like Elvis than President Trump. We are most likely to pull over and help someone stranded on the roadside. Most of the people I know in my Mississippi town would give you the shirt off their backs. Most Southern preachers don't spend Sundays in the pulpit spewing hatred and intolerance. Most people agree that racism and white supremacy are evil. Even preschoolers know it's always better to tell the truth and take your lumps than lie and evade. And yet here we are. We know right from wrong, but most of us down here voted for wrong. As Elvis once said, “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.
** {{w|Ace Atkins}}, in his article, &quot;In Elvis we trust&quot;, part of TIME magazine's August 6 special issue on the American South.

* Elvis changed the country music scene quite a bit; he almost put country music out of business. He was white, but he sang black. It wasn't socially acceptable for white kids to buy black records at the time. Did I have any sense of how big he was going to be when he first came to RCA? Oh yeah, we knew. Back in those days, if a guy got hot in one area you could spread it around the country, maybe the world. He was already so big in East Texas and Louisiana you couldn't get him off stage with a firehose. We knew. When he came in to do “Heartbreak Hotel” I called up my wife and told her to come over. I said, You might not get a chance to see him again, he's gonna get so damn big. Lots of people have asked me if Elvis could play guitar. Well, he played pretty good. And he played piano and drums. The first sessions he'd come in and work. After that, when he got more confident, he'd come in and play drums a while, then guitar, then piano only to then go to work starting around 11 o'clock at night. But he loved gospel music. The first time I ever heard him I thought, “What in the hell is this?” I couldn't tell if he was black or bluegrass or gospel or what. Of course that was what made him what he was. He was so damn versatile he could sing anything.
** {{w|Chet Atkins}}, Pop Chronicles, Show 8 – The All American Boy: Enter Elvis and the rock-a-billies. Part 2, interview recorded January 1968.

* I was on third grade, listened to Elvis and then my dad bought me a guitar. I stuck with it, that is how it started.
** Mickey Atkins, R&amp;B musicians, founding member of {{w|Funkadelic}}, for Ultimate Classic Rock, as publshed on 6 August 2018

* Coming upon these tapes, unspooling them and watching them glide across an Ampex 440 reel-to-reel deck for the first time was the closest I'll ever get to being a real life {{w|Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones}}. Beyond the staggering realization of what we had found, there was a musical element that also knocked our socks off: On these tapes Glen is singing pure rock and roll and with a sense of joy, passion and wild abandon that can only have come from knowing that his idol, the avatar Elvis Presley, would be an audience of one for these recordings.”
** {{w|Stephen Auerbach}}, detailing for RollingStone what he felt after finding and playing tapes which had been lost of Glen Campbell doing demos for Elvis, as published on October 31, 2018.

* When Elvis came back from the service and he was greeted by all the publicity, the press, the photographers, reporters, and so forth, someone said to him &quot;Well, what do you think now that you're not number one but Avalon is ?&quot; And he said &quot; Oh, I love his song &quot;Venus&quot; and there's room for everybody.&quot; And I thought that was really genuine, nice compliment.
** {{w|Frankie Avalon}}, as noted in whenstarsmeetstars.

* 1) Ed Sheeran 2) Will Smith 3) James Cordon 4) Peter Kay 5) Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 6) Elvis Presley 7) Prince Harry 8) Michael Jackson 9) Beyonce and 10) Kim Kardashian
** UK {{w|Avis Budget Group}}'s list of most favoured celebrity travel buddies, from a poll taken in July of 2018, of over 14,000 consumers across Europe, aged 18-66+ including 1,000 British nationals

* I was about to say you were doing a disservice to fat Elvis who had much more dignity than Donald Trump does right now.   What the hell is he talking about? He doesn’t have a clue. That’s just sad.”
** {{w|John Avlon}}'s retort to  {{w|Jim Acosta}}'s comparison of  former President Trumnp to what he called &quot;Fat Elvis&quot; during a CNN interview, as  broadcast on May 2nd, 2021

== B ==

* Did I? That was extremely immodest and foolish of me, my apologies. I would never dare to be so presumptuous. I am only interested in the legacy my father has left behind, and I would like to work towards giving it strength and respect for as long as I live.
** Indian entertainer and former politician {{w|Amitabh Bachchan}}'s answer to a question posed by a reporter on whether he recalled his once saying that he would like to leave a lasting legacy in the world, to be a sort of Elvis Presley, as published on the &quot;Asian Age&quot; on May 13, 2018

* I'm living proof that Elvis was a pretty good driver. As innocent as the BMW 507 with its white paintwork might have looked, with a 150-horsepower V8 under the bonnet, it was something very special and Elvis drove like a maniac! Foot hard on the gas, then hard on the brakes, switching between lanes, slaloming between cars – it was like all hell had broken loose. (I was scared), and as a result wasn't quite able to enjoy the experience. The unvarnished truth is that I was just happy that we managed to get the car back to the dealership without a scratch on it. That short time I spent with Elvis was wonderful, though. The next day, I wrote to my mother , saying that I'd driven 100 miles up the autobahn with Elvis Presley. She thought I was kidding.”
** {{w|Gus Backus}}, a member of the racially mixed doo-wop group The Del Vikings, recounting for BMW Group Classic the time then Private Elvis Presley asked him (then serving with the US Air Force in Germany), to accompany him as he was test driving a BMW 507 in Frankfurt. It was after the test drive that Elvis ordered specifications be made on another BMW 507, the now famous BMW 507 chassis #70079 previously owned by German car racer Hans Stuck and which is currently housed at the BMW Museum after a two year multi million euro restoration.

* In May of 1998 I was in the middle of an Elvis Presley obsession, so I went to Graceland. Everything about the place seemed awesome to me, from the giant Corinthian columns out front, to the purple and yellow room with three televisions built into the wall, to the big man’s grave out back. But what has stuck with me the most from the visit is a particular story about Elvis. Elvis had grown up poor, and I’m sure when he was poor money was important. But when he started to make more money than he could ever spend, or maybe just enough money to have every material thing he wanted, it no longer held importance to him. So, during a party at Graceland he was inside with a guest who came from a poor background, and the other partygoers were outside on the lawn. His friend commented on how sophisticated all of the partygoers seemed. Elvis walked over to his desk, pulled a stack of money from one of the drawers, opened a window, and threw the bills out the window. The partygoers scrambled after the bills, shoving each other, trying to grab as much money as they could. Elvis turned to his friend and said, “They’re not that sophisticated.”
**{{w|Brett Baker}}, for Chicago now, published on December 22, 2016.

* i) We can even hazard a little analysis as to what made his voice so appealing. &quot;That curious baritone,&quot; one critic called it. Actually, that is inexact. The voice had mixed propensities, hovering between tenor and bass and everything in between. Even a convincing falsetto lay within his range. One thing he was not, ever, was &quot;Steve-'n-Edie&quot;, the polished, professionally accomplished Vegas artistes who once pronounced on an afternoon interview show (Mr. Lawrence enunciating the sentiment for himself and his partner/wife, Ms. Gorme), &quot;We don't really think of Elvis as a singer. But he was a star.&quot; It is only when, years later, one gets past the indignation of hearing such apparent ignorance, that the sense of the observation becomes clear. A singer is someone like Steve Lawrence rolling effortlessly (and meaninglessly) through a shlock-standard like &quot;What Now, My Love?&quot;. More or less like doing the scales. A star is the persona in whom one invests one's vicarious longings, a being who is constantly hazarding — and intermittently succeeding at — the impossible stretches that every soul wishes to attempt but lacks the means or the will to. It's not a matter of virtuosity. ii) Take ''My Baby Left Me'' (1956) by Arthur &quot;Big Boy&quot; Crudup, the black Mississippi sharecropper whose ''That's All Right'' had literally been Elvis' first recording, in 1954. Crudup kept his blues in a bucket; Elvis put the lid on, and cooked; bar by bar, the song comes together; first comes D.J. Fontana's rapped-out drum riff, then a top-to-bottom run from Bill Black's stand-up bass, then the controlled gallop of Scotty Moore's lead guitar; then, last of all, Elvis singing in that imperious velvet growl of his, &quot;Yes, my baby left me! Never said a word&quot;; it is the most underestimated song in the canon; there is lightning in that bucket, and it could drive a train, any train. It literally took us into a new age. Endow a university! Elvis was a university. Whoever those mystics are who teach that the universe began with sound could use him as their full curriculum&quot;
** Jackson Baker, i) in &quot;Memphis Magazine&quot; (July 2002) ii) as published in &quot;The Memphis Flyer&quot;, August 8-14, 1996 edition

* He was fantastic. When he danced, the people danced, the girls would actually faint because of what he was doing. The people didn't care if he was white or black, he was a good artist and they felt his music.
** {{w|Lavern Baker}}, commenting on her covering one of Presley's best early 60's songs, with a few changes in the lyrics, which she recorded in late 1961 as a answer to Presley's &quot;Little Sister&quot;.

* Presley's voice was remarkable in the sense that, through it, he touched people in a way only great artists can do. (In fact), the people he touched are as diverse as humanity itself and, because of that his popularity has transcended race, class, national boundaries, and culture. There is no simple answer about why that is so, all I can say is he had that magic. When Elvis Presley was first popular, many people said that he did not have a good voice. Almost everyone, today, knows that he did, but more people today should see him not simply as a performer, but as an artist with a great soul.
** John Bakke, professor emeritus of the University of Memphis, in an interview with the US State Department, transcripted by UNUSINFO on July 18, 2006 on the legacy of Elvis Presley

* I don't think any two men on this planet ever had the charisma of Elvis Presley and Jackie Wilson. The two of them remind me of each other: the charisma.
** {{w|Hank Ballard}}, rhythm and blues singer and songwriter, lead vocalist of the Midnighters, as noted in the book &quot;Jackie Wilson: Lonely Teardrops&quot; by Tony Douglas.

* With him, it's the pictures that spoke loudest about the man behind the genius. Take Sunday Times photographer Chris Smith's classic shot in which a scowling Seve, handsome head turned from the driving rain, jacket held across his chest like a matador's cape, and he is curling his lip. It tells you everything you need to know about his mood, his game, and his grim determination to outfox the elements and annihilate his opponent. It's pure Elvis.
** About {{w|Seve Ballesteros}}, Spain's all time greatest golfer, as reported in the Sunday Times on May 8, 2011.

* Then, in 1954, Elvis happened. The influence that the softly spoken Mississippi native had on popular music – and in particular rockabilly – is incalculable. First billed as 'The Hillbilly Cat' (again a nod towards black and white influences), the boy with the seemingly rubber limbs sang both blues and country songs infused with elements of this new rockabilly movement to the bemusement of a music industry not yet aware of the significance of what they were listening to. They didn't know it at the time, but the music establishment had just changed forever. Two years later he signed with RCA and the ensuing exposure he received on national television introduced rockabilly to its widest audience yet and, like fire to kindling, there was no stopping its spread. Other labels swooped to sign up any artists who sang even vaguely similar to Elvis and there was a bona fide musical gold rush underway and record executives and studio bigwigs fell over themselves to capitalise on this musical trend which was now sweeping the nation – ultimately playing a big part in rockabilly's eventual downfall, as more and more people tried to make money from it, (thus) watering down its raunchiness as they tried to make it appear to as large a market as possible, and (finally) taming its sound beyond recognition.
** Excerpted from an article entitled &quot;The Roots of Rockabilly: Examining the origins of a rock n' roll movement&quot;, by John Balfe, and as published in www.entertainment.ie

* I might be the biggest Elvis fan you've ever met. I mean, I've seen it all. And I just loved him. I don't know what it was. I mean, probably the same reason everybody loved Elvis. Cause he was electric. He was just electric, the greatest entertainer I've ever seen, and I think the reason why was because — and I heard him say it many times in interviews — , he always did what he felt. Genuinely did what he felt. It wasn't choreographed. It wasn't, OK, well, I'm gonna do this move at this time. It was coming up from inside of him, and it was coming out. That's what it was, and that's why people connected with it. Cause it was the real deal.”
** Country music songwriter and singer {{w|Frankie Ballard}} who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* It was the autumn of 1971, and two tickets to an Elvis show turned up at the offices of Creem magazine, where I was then employed. It was decided that those staff members who had never had the privilege of witnessing Elvis should get the tickets, which was how me and art director Charlie Auringer ended up in nearly the front row of the biggest arena in Detroit. Earlier Charlie had said, “Do you realize how much we could get if we sold these things?” I didn't, but how precious they were became totally clear the instant Elvis sauntered onto the stage. He was the only male performer I have ever seen to whom I responded sexually; it wasn't real arousal, rather an erection of the heart, when I looked at him I went mad with desire and envy and worship and self-projection. I mean, Mick Jagger, whom I saw as far back as 1964 and twice in ‘65, never even came close.
** Rock critic {{w|Lester Bangs}}'s opening sentence in Elvis' obituary, by special request from and published by the Village Voice on 20 August 1977.

* I mean, don't tell me about Lenny Bruce, man – Lenny Bruce said dirty words in public and obtained a kind of consensual martyrdom. Plus which Lenny Bruce was hip, too goddam hip if you ask me, which was his undoing, whereas Elvis was not hip at all. Elvis was a goddam truck driver who worshipped his mother and would never say &quot;shit&quot; or &quot;fuck&quot; around her, and Elvis alerted America to the fact that it had a groin with imperatives that had been stifled. Lenny Bruce demonstrated how far you could push a society as repressed as ours and how much you could get away with, but Elvis kicked &quot;How Much Is That Doggie in the Window&quot; ''out'' the window and replaced it with &quot;Let's fuck.&quot; The rest of us are still reeling from the impact. Sexual chaos reigns currently, but out of chaos may flow true understanding and harmony, and either way Elvis almost single handedly opened the floodgates.
** Lester Bangs, &quot;Where Were You When Elvis Died,&quot; originally published in &quot;The Village Voice&quot;, August 29, 1977. Republished in ''Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung'' pg. 215-216

* Elvis' lowest effective note was a low-G, as heard on &quot;He'll Have To Go&quot;(1976); on &quot;King Creole&quot; (1958), he growls some low-F's; going up, his highest full-voiced notes were the high-B's in &quot;Surrender&quot;(1961) and &quot;Merry Christmas Baby&quot; (1971), the high-G at the end of &quot;My Way&quot; (1976 live version), and the high-A of &quot;An American Trilogy&quot;(1972); using falsetto, Elvis could reach at least a high-E, e.g, as in &quot;Unchained Melody&quot; (1977), so, it was very nearly a three-octave range, although more practically two-and-a-half.
** George Barbel, as a follow up to a question on what was Elvis' range, as published in All Experts.com, on 20th May, 2007.

* I have nothing to do with him and therefore no reply is necessary
** {{w|Briggite Bardot|Brigitte Bardot}}'s answer to a journalist who had been present at Elvis Press Conference at the Prince des Galles Hotel in Paris, on June 17, 1960, and where Elvis had stated he would welcome meeting her during what turned out to be his first of three US Army furloughs in Paris. Would she meet him? the journalist asked. As published in Briggite Bardot.net's August 16, 2017 edition.

* By the time we got towards the end of our stay there, Elvis was worn out, so he got all the singers individually to do a song. Of course, all the musicians knew that I play and sang and they knew some of my songs. Elvis was obviously hesitating and thinking of something else to do, and Ronnie said: 'Let Bardwell sing'. He just went, 'Yeah, right ...'. And Guercio said, 'No, really. You wanna do something else, let him sing, because he can sing'. So Elvis went, 'Ladies and gentlemen, my bassplayer is going to sing now'. So Charlie Hodge gave me his guitar and I got Charlie's mike. Charlie was holding another mike on the guitar, for me to play it. And I didn't know what to do. I mean, how am I going to follow Kathy Westmoreland doing 'My Heavenly Father'? And Donnie Sumner said, 'Do the Hurricane song'. You know, 'Please Don't Bury Me' by {{w|John Prine}}. I got to the last verse of the song that's a bit off color. We were going from 'My Heavenly Father' to 'Kiss My Ass Goodbye', and it just took everybody by surprise. That was a really good moment, because I had shown Elvis a part of me that he didn't know of. He knew that what we had just done was show business, and it was good show business, because it was entertaining. I went back to the dressing room after the show, and Tom Diskin knocked on the door. We let him in, and he said 'I have a message for you from the Colonel' So I figured that I was fired when he sent Tom Diskin into the dressing room, but he said, He wants me to tell you that that's one of the funniest things he's ever seen at an Elvis Presley show'. I was thrilled with that. If I didn't do anything else I had done that. That was fun
** TCB Bass player {{w|TCB Band|Duke Bardwell}}'s story of how how he got to sing John Prine's ‘Please Don’t Bury Me’ during the October 14th, 1974 closing show in Lake Tahoe, NV, in an interview with Arjan as published on the FECC Forum'spage.

* Baritones UnBound continues the second season of Asolo Rep's five-year American Character Project, an in-depth look at this nation and its people. No other voice has defined the United States quite like the booming sound of the baritone. From Sinatra to Elvis and much more, this musical journey chronicles some of the most beloved singers and songs of all time. Conceived by Broadway leading man and threetime Tony Award nominee Marc Kudisch and created by Merwin Foard, three dynamite baritones take the stage to give us a captivating musical tour of the baritone voice throughout history, namely Marc Kudisch, Jeff Mattsey, and Timothy Splain. Veteran singers Jeff Mattsey and Mark Delavan join Kudisch in an illuminating performance studded with classics from Broadway, opera and beyond. From Gregorian chants to well-known arias (“Ah! Per sempre,” “Largo”) including show tunes (“I am a Pirate King,” “Oh What a Beautiful Mornin’”) and popular music (“It Was a Very Good Year,” “It’s Now or Never,” and “Pretty Women”)
** {{w|Baritones|Baritoners Unbound}}'s 2015' Press Release, in an article entitled Celebrating the UnCommon Voice of the Common Ma&quot;n

* Our son's name would be Elvis....
** {{w|Travis Barker}}, drummer for the band Blink 182, to his ex-wife Shanna Moakle, a former Miss USA, who expressed shock that Barker would tell his future bride to be {{w|Kourtney Kardashian|Kourtney Kardashian}}, via an Instagram dated 9 November 2021, that he would choose that moniker due to its connection to the film &quot;True Romance&quot;.

* Another time we played with Herman's Hermits who were very popular. Frankly, we didn't rate them musically, but we were impressed when they told us about they having met with Elvis Presley, &quot;Elvo&quot; to us. And when they told Ian Anderson he sang like 'Elvo' he was very flattered and to this day the rest of the band and I always call Ian 'Elvo'!”
** {{w|Barriemore Barlow}}, drummer for {{w|Jethro Tull}} in an interview with Nick Dent-Robinson, recalling their attending Elvis' August 11, 1969 show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas on the special invitation of UK record producer {{w|Terry Ellis (record producer)|Terry Ellis}} and as published on 03/04/2014 at the Jethro Tull Forum.

* In 1956, I was President of his Los Angeles Fan Club and when I met him I noticed he had bad complexion and realized he wasn't perfect. So maybe it was a chance for me to make it in Hollywood (LOL)
** {{w|On Two Fronts: Latinos &amp; Vietnam|Gregg Barrios}}, award-winning playwright, poet, and journalist, from an oral history interview on June 21, 2016, San Antonio, TX.

* A few days before Christmas one year, Elvis was in the store buying guns for some of his friends as gifts. There was a customer off to the side looking at a display case that held nothing but expensive Browning over-under shotguns. Presley went up to the gentleman and commented on how nice the guns were. The man agreed, but said they were way out of his price range, since they were all probably in the thousand dollar plus area. Elvis asked the guy which one he would buy if he was purchasing, and the fellow said probably the Diana grade with the gold inlay. Elvis then went back to the counter where Jerry Knight was, and as he left said to Jerry, &quot;When that guy gets ready to leave, take that Diana grade shotgun out and put it on the counter and give it to him. Tell him Elvis said Merry Christmas.&quot; Jerry said he did just that, and he thought the guy was going to faint when he received the gift.
** {{w|Ken Barnes}}, who worked at Kerr's Beverly Hill's Sports Shop, as published by the Californian on December 13, 2017.

* Not only did Elvis give teens their own music with which to identify, he proved that much of the disposable income of this generation would be spent on music, fashion, and media of its own choosing and thus turning that generation into a high-pro!le, identifiable group with their own fashion sense, hair styles, slang, taste in music, preferences in movie stars and other favorite pastimes.
** {{w|Richard Barnet}} in his book The Story Behind the Song: 150 Songs that Chronicle the 20th Century. Westport, Conn.: Greenwood Press, 2004.

* What's more, the asset class “fine art” is to investing,is what science fiction is to the rest of literature. The &quot;extreme&quot; characteristics of sci-fi and high-end art help teach investors—or readers—important lessons. Science fiction speaks to human nature, while art offers a window on the nature of asset markets. What then qualifies as &quot;extreme&quot;? Take Andy Warhol. In 1986, collectors could buy a Warhol &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; painting for about $200,000, but a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; went for $81.9 million at auction in 2018. That's a 400-fold gain—an investor's dream. The average annual return of the &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; works out to about 20.6%. Pretty good. And there is nothing more fundamental to investing than returns.
** [[w:Barron's (newspaper)|Barron's]] December 6, 2019 laud of the value of a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; by Andy Warhol, as noted in an article entitled Don't Pay $120,000 for a Banana by Al Root. article entitled &quot;Other Investing Lessons From Art Basel

* While Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison were ruling the rock-pop charts in the US, he had everyone grooving to his music in Nepal. The song &quot;Deula yo joban timilai deula&quot; may have sounded similar to what was trending internationally, but was given a funky twist of his own, and arguably was responsible for introducing rock and pop to the entire nation. He became a heartthrob in his country and was soon called the Elvis Presley of Nepal because he came like a breath of fresh air in a music scene dominated by traditional tunes.
** About {{w|Kumar Basnet}}, as noted in the Kathmandu post's March 15 edition.

* His generosity.. 
**{{w|Natasha Bassett}}'s reply to a reporter asking what in her view  defines Elvis the most, as beamed live on May 25, 2022 at the opening of ELVIS, at the Cannes Film Festival 

* He started drawing on my front all the way down to my navel, doodling as I spoke to him, in front of hundreds at his dressing room after his August 1970 opening show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Incredible sensation, he used a biro!!! That night back at my hotel, alone, I undressed and there they were, the doodlings. I did not wash until they wore off...
**{{w|Shirley Bassey}}, as told to talk host Graham Norton.

* As {{w|Jack Wilshere}} completed his first 90 minutes in the Premier League for Arsenal in over three years, and was arguably their best player in the 0-0 draw at West Ham's London Arena on Wednesday evening, &quot;A Little Less Conversation&quot;, the song by Elvis Presley, was the tune that played the players off the pitch, the lyric urging for &quot;a little more spark&quot; a fair assessment of the game. But it is the line about the need for &quot;a little less conversation, a little more action&quot; that best sums up his situation at Arsenal...
**{{w|Adam Bate}}, one of Sky Sports top anchors, assessing Wilshire's performance for his network, in an article published on December 11, 2017 ( Since Elvis' &quot;The Wonder of you&quot; is the song played at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium before players enter the field this could explain West Ham fans' decision to play &quot;A little less conversation&quot; when they, in turn, feel their own team needs to improve its play).

* He had a musically textured rhythmic voice that had emotional intelligence; concentrate on his voice: sweet, remorseful, defiant, suggestive.
**{{w|Eileen Battersby}}, literary correspondent, citing the reasons for her being hooked on Elvis after &quot;discovering&quot; him inadvertently as she changed the dial looking for her favorite classical music radio station, as published in the &quot;Irish Times&quot; in August of 2002.

* Ronnie James Dio, Bon Scott, Bruce Dickinson and Elvis Presley..
**{{w|Blaze Bayley}}, lead singer of the heavy metal band Iron Maiden, citing his biggest musical influences in an article published in Metalcastles's February 29, 2020 online edition.

* In &quot;Mystery Train&quot; (1955), he rocks out with an astounding depth, Elvis' voice never sounding so rich, nor so pleading; best of all is his final spontaneous laugh &amp; whoop of excitement, worth its weight in gold.
** Review of the CD &quot;Elvis at SUN&quot;, by Piers Beagley, as published in EIN, on 30th June, 2004

* They are two equivalent beasts even with their differences. Diego Maradona is Elvis Presley singing 'My Way' at his last concert at the Market Square Arena in Indianapolis. He embodies the deity, the absolute power, the sunset, the snowy peaks and the abyss. And Lionel Messi is Paul McCartney, the long-play list, the continuity and the health. To ask one of them to have what the other has doesn't look to be a proof of social intelligence but one of galloping dissatisfaction of a country that doesn't conform with having two of the three best footballers in history in less than 40 years.
** Argentinean novelist Juan José Becerra, in an article published in July of 2016 at El Clarin, his country's most prestigious newspaper.

* I met Elvis in 1968 at the Aladdin Casino in Las Vegas and had a drink with him. A lady asked him for an autograph but he didn't have a pen, so I gave him mine. Then he gave me the pen back and that's when I said, “Naw, you keep it Elvis. I don’t think anyone’s going to be asking for my autograph.
** William O. Beck, in an interview with Jeff Sterling for the Titusville Herald, and published on August 13, 2018.

* Elvis is right up there with death and taxes in things that can't be avoided,
** Writer Joel Beers, reviewing the 1968 NBC TV Elvis Special for {{w|OC Weekly}}, on January 4, 2018.

* Like some sort of Grammy-powered &quot;Super Friends&quot;, John Legend, Post Malone, Jennifer Lopez, Blake Shelton and more than a dozen more artists joined forces on February 17, 2019, for a prime time television special titled “Elvis All-Star Tribute&quot;. The union of Post Malone and Urban demonstrated that — for Elvis Presley Enterprises, at least — the show's mission, in large part, was to affirm the idea of Elvis' universal appeal. Adam Lambert wore a blue suit and blue suede shoes during his version of &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot;, while Jennifer Lopez went full J.Lo during &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;- Another highlight was Mac Davis' solo rendition of &quot;Memories,&quot; a song he wrote for the original 1968 special. Davis, 77, the elder statesman amongst the performers (beating John Fogerty by four years), shared a poignant memory of holding the then infant Lisa Marie Presley during a visit to Elvis' Bel Air home. He later was joined by John Legend, who sang a Davis composition that has emerged as one of Elvis' biggest posthumous hits, &quot;A Little Less Conversation.&quot; Others on the show included Darius Rucker, Ed Sheeran, Kelsea Ballerini, Alessia Cara, Josh Groban, Pistol Annies and Little Big Town. Lisa Marie did not perform, but introduced a gospel medley segment featuring Carrie Underwood and Yolanda Adams; similarly, actress Riley Keough, Lisa Marie's only daughter, introduced Dierks Bentley, who contributed with the rocker, &quot;Little Sister&quot;. “I’m here tonight because 50 years ago a King returned,” said Shelton, host of the program and — not coincidentally — a judge on the hit NBC vocal competition program, “The Voice.”, then adding that the original special had been often imitated but never surpassed while, in addition changing, as it also did, the game forever in music and television.
** {{w|The Commercial Appeal|John Beifuss}}, writing for the Commercial Appeal in an article entitled &quot;Post Malone, J.Lo, Blake Shelton: The Elvis '68 Comeback comeback&quot;,as published on their February 18, 2019 edition.

* Different as our sounds were in 1956, I could see that we were in parallel tracks, Elvis was interpreting one kind of black music, R&amp;B, while I found my inspiration in black folk songs, spirituals and calypso. ( A year passed, and while in Las Vegas) Elvis came backstage to say hello and he couldn't have been more decorous, insisting in calling me Mr. Belafonte. Only later would I learn that he had hung out for years with a lot of black musicians and had come by his style legitimately. (Alas), he performed with such put on flash that over the next years, I noticed, he inspired a whole generation of R&amp;B players who thought they could put that flash on, and become Elvis, too..
** {{w|Harry Belafonte}} in his autobiography, My song, published in 2011.

* I have been following the sound of my own voice since childhood, growing up in a family of academics in Knoxville. I spent my formative years playing air guitar while listening to the monolithic stereo console in my parents. My first concert experience was seeing an Elvis Presley in Knoxville. I was just about four years old but have some vivid memories of holding my parents' hands and people screaming, so it was kind of scary. I also remember him doing ‘Hound Dog’ and ‘Teddy Bear.’ And ‘Teddy Bear’ was such a favorite at the age of four that I brought out a big styrofoam guitar for it.
** {{w|Brian Bell}}, discussing the effect seeing Elvis show in Knoxville, on April 8, 1972 had on him, for Live4ever, published on April 15, 2007.

* I knew Elvis getting the bug to entertain, singing  gospel music for the congregation in his own church, but there was something that was more important to him. It was black music. He wanted to be a gospel singer the way the black people sang. Long back, he'd sing to a broom, pretending it was a guitar. We thought he was crazy....
** Sam Bell, Elvis' closest  African American childhood friend in East Tupelo, MS, and the main source for Director Baz Luhrmann's  research on Elvis' pre-teen years for his 2022 movie {{w|Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis}}, in an  interview taped in Memphis, TN in December of 2020.  

* One evening, it's said he rocked around the clock all night before disappearing into one of the rooms along with eight eager Bunnies. What happened behind closed doors remains a mystery, but {{w|Hugh Hefner}} was apparently so impressed that he named the spot 'The Elvis Room'.
** Alex Belloti, in an article entitled &quot;Playboy mansion secrets – ghost sightings, Elvis' wild night with Bunnies, 'sex rituals&quot; as published in the {{w|Daily Mirror}}'s August 6, 2021 edtion.

* The whole exhibition is focused on artists that I’ve listened to at some point in my life who represented something. Lana Del Rey, I was listening to her a lot when I was around 14, and that was really the start of me developing my own taste in music. Adele, she’s iconic as well, and a lot of people would recognize that album. Elvis Presley too — he’s a huge artist. So I wanted the album (cover) to be recognizable, but also for the Western artists to be big, just to show how important these Arab artists are as well.”
** Zineb Belrhiti, the UAE's top album designer, telling the Arab News why she chose Elvis images as well as those of Lana del Rey and Adele as inspiration for the album covers of Arab artists, in an article published on August 5, 2021.

* Elvis Presley is undeniably one of the most iconic and influential figures of the 20th century.
** {{w|Bendigo Art Gallery}}'s Curator Lauren Ellis'  laud  of Elvis,  as noted in Scenestr's March 28, 2022 edition. 

* Did you ever meet Elvis Presley?
** {{w|Pope Benedict XVI}}'s question to the then terminally ill Irish comedian {{w|Frank Carson}}, who, in 1987, had been ordained with a Papal knighthood of the &quot;Order of St. Gregory&quot; by the now Saint {{w|Pope John Paul II}}. The then sitting Pope's interest, expressed some 30 years after Presley's death, may lie in the fact that he was stationed, as a young professor within the German priesthood at a town not too far from Presley's barracks during his 18 month stay in Germany with the US Army. Carson's zany reply to the Pope? &quot;Not yet, your Holiness, but I soon will&quot;, (Published in the Belfast Telegraph on August 10, 2017).

* I think she's going to become as big as Elvis Presley. He was, incidentally, the handsomest guy I ever met in my life, and a very nice person too.
** {{w|Tony Bennett}}, referring to singer, songwriter, and actress Lady Gaga in an article on Billboard published on August 17, 2011 and during an interview with the Guardian, on 17 October, 2013.

*I remember the first time in '56, I saw Elvis. I'm like, I'm buying that record because it's just the look that gets you, it's almost as much as the music. I kind of always had this theory that you look and listen with your eyes and your ears at the same time. He was the first rock 'n roll artist I loved. In my life, I started with him, but as I got into music, Elvis and the Rolling Stones led me to blues.
** [[w:Bill Bentley (record producer)|Bill Bentley]],American music industry executive in an interview with Salon, published on May 25, 2018.

* I listen to a lot of Elvis on the school bus. My bus driver, Ken Lyons, is — was, he's not with us anymore — but he's the biggest Elvis fan. So Channel 13 on SiriusXM radio, many, many nights listening to Elvis Presley and him educating me on Elvis. He's great, he's one of a kind. You can label him however you want to, but his country career was unbelievable. He had a voice that even if you didn't see all the moves and how good looking he was and all that stuff, you just listen to his voice when he's on the Louisiana Hayride with Faron Young and it's like, 'Wow, his voice is really unbelievable.' Great singer. And lot to learn.
** {{w|Dierks Bentley}}, in an interview with popculturecountry and published on their February 15,2019 edition.

* The reason I chose Elvis Presley' songs as the teaser for this article is to trigger some autobiographical memories for adults who were adolescents when his music topped the charts, which he dominated throughout the 1950s. Hopefully, these songs will inspire older adults, baby boomers, and people of all ages to get up from your chair and dance....
** {{w|Christopher Bergland}}, activities of daily living in an article entitled ̊&quot;One More Reason to Keep Dancing̊&quot; as published in Psychology Today's December 19, 2018 edition.

* Appropriation, then, has something to do with intent. When another culture's property is exploited for profit, that's appropriation, and it's always deserving of criticism. Elvis was just being Elvis. In &quot;Elvis Presley:The Searcher&quot; an HBO documentary, its signal achievement is in showing how the singer's early years, family culture, and socioeconomic background made inevitable the musician he was to become. It makes clear that he was, first, and foremost, a committed artist, utterly dedicated to music and its ability to move people.
** Robby Berman, as published on the {{w|Big Think}}'s April 19, 2018 edition, in an article entitled &quot;Was Elvis Presley a cultural appropriator of black music?

* Fernest Acernaux was not playing zydeco on that accordion, it was rhythm and blues. And you couldn’t make it playing French, so we played blues and rock ‘n’ roll from Fats Domino, Bobby Blue Bland and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Rod Bernard}}, celebrating his 72 years of pioneering &quot;swamp pop&quot;, which combines New Orleans-style rhythm and blues, country and western, and Cajun and black Creole music, as ´published in the Daily Advertiser on November 6, 2017.

* Elvis is the greatest cultural force in the twentieth century. He introduced the beat to everything, music, language, clothes, it's a whole new social revolution – the 60's comes from it.”
** {{w|Leonard Bernstein}}, as told to TIME founder {{w|Henry Luce}}'s top aide Richard Clurman in an article published by TIME on August 10, 2017.

* Describe Elvis Presley? He was the greatest there ever was, is, or ever will be. We did not have the airwaves he had, but he delivered what he obtained brilliantly. Let me conclude by saying that I realized during those early years that Elvis and I were creating a new sound. When I heard on the radio that he had died, I had to pull my car over to the shoulder of the road as I  couldn't believe the initial reports. Elvis's art was a unique art, his style influential enough to be copied by many. But, no one can copy his. The one thing Elvis had that no  one else had   was THAT voice 
** {{w|Chuck Berry}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html as noted in Harry DeWitts Elvis, the Sun years,  and  In a AugusT 18 of 1977 phone interview 

* Eventually, everybody has to die, except Elvis.
** {{w|Dave Berry}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Welcome to the &quot;Veranda Suite&quot;, Elvis Presley used to stay here...
** The {{w|Beverly Wilshire Hotel}}'s Front Desk introduction to room 1001 on the 10th floor, which highlights a rooftop yurt purported to provide its guests with a one-in-a-million urban glamping experience right in the centre of the city of Los Angeles, as detailed in an article in the Telegraph on February 21, 2018.

* i) When you think of Vegas, of show business, of flash, of those performances, you think of Elvis. He is iconic; a lot of performers today look to that for inspiration ii) You have to have soul to sing like Elvis, and Elvis had soul&quot; &quot;
** {{w|Beyonce}}, i) as published in www.graceland.com and ii) Elvis Viva Las Vegas documentary.

* Elvis Presley movies – I'm a big Elvis fan – although I don't think you should feel guilty about pleasures.
** UK comedian {{w|Sanjeev Bhaska}}'s answer to a question on what is his biggest guilty pleasure, in an interview with the Mail Online published on July 29, 2018.

* When they asked me where I would want them to place my statue, I said I wanted it to stand between the figures of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson,
** {{w|Asha Bhosle}}, Superstar singer from India, on what she told the Madame Russaaud people in London on the day her statue, only the second from a woman from her country, was unveiled,as published on INDIARV's online website on October 2, 1917.

* Elvis Was A Democrat
** {{w|Joe Biden}}'s ad, as circulated before the 2020 Presidential election.

* Intensity of communication, emotion, how the fusion of poetry is related to me as a listener. I'm disappointed by the bland and perfect vocal accomplishment, which I hear on so many recordings. Which is not to say that classical singers shouldn't try to become vocally masterful. I take my cue more and more from good pop singers. The other day I was looking at an early concert of Elvis Presley. It was fascinating to watch, the body language, the vocal suppleness
** Conor Biggs, Irish bass/baritone and classical singer, a founding member of {{w|Psallentes}}, a Gregorian chant ensemble, explaining to Michael Dervan, of the Irishman, for tips he looks for in a recital, as a way to better communicate with a listener, as published on that paper on February 1, 2013

* In late 1959, Ibn Saud, the then King of Saudi Arabia. was spending time in Germany for medical reasons. One of his sons was a huge Elvis admirer, giving him a precious garment with golden applications, a waterpipe and a tea set with the royal crest on it, as a thank you gesture for his having left the Grunwald Hotel so that his father and his entire entourage could make total use of it. Soon after posing with the garment for the King's son at his newly rented house on #14 Goethestrasse, his friend and fellow GI Charlie Hodge had a zany idea: why couldn't he go out and walk in front of the German people, or anyone, for that matter, using the garment so as not to be recognized. This was finally done on February 1960, as he took a cab to the &quot;Mainzer Karneval&quot;, a big public party, staying there for 3 days in the nearby town of Mainz which was not far from Bad Nauheim. And nobody noticed the by then Sgt Elvis Presley, in spite of him being accompanied by Hodge, plus two bodyguards all dressed as sailors as well as by a mysterious girl from Bad Nauheim, who did the translations. Elvis joined the whole programme, the clubs, the pubs, the bars, parades but stayed sober. The others did not, LOL. but they all returned safe, late at night.
** As published by {{w|BILD}}, Germany's highest selling tabloid, in an article published in March of 1960.

* (For) Mississippi: Elvis Presley. He served as perhaps the most important figure in the mainstream popularization of early rock, his Billboard chart legacy being equally astounding. He's scored 109 Hot 100 hits between the chart's start in 1958 and 2020 (!) and boasts the most charted albums in the archives of the Billboard 200 albums chart. Simply, he's still the King of Rock &amp; Roll.
** {{w|Billboard (magazine)|Billboard}},in an article focussing on the top 50 US artists from each of the 50 states of the Union, as published on their July 4, 2020 edition

* So I said &quot;Why don't we turn out all the lights so we don't see this vast empty looking studio the size of a football field and make it as intimate as we can?&quot; We could barely make Elvis out through the glass from the control room into the studio when we cued him the backing-track. And then, Elvis started to sing. It was magic,. Next thing I know he's curled on the floor in almost a fetal position singing with a microphone next to his mouth. The hair on my arms were standing up. And that's the take that we wound up using on the soundtrack album. I did not use it in the TV show because I'm a total believer that if you're doing television I don't want anyone lip-syncing. I want the real thing. And to be completely honest, as great as the sit-down shows are, had I been able to get cameras and tape him there, it would have been even greater. I never put anybody I worked with on a pedestal, yet the first time I saw him, I was awed, first of all, by the way he looked. If he was not famous, you would still stop and stare. As a director, you're looking to see which is the good side, the bad side. Elvis was perfect from every angle. It was like a god walking in towards me...
** {{w|Steve Binder}}, director of the 1968 NBC/TV Special explaining how Elvis recorded &quot;If I can dream&quot;, on June 23, 1968, exclusive for The King's court, on February 6, 2010, as well as in an interview with Vanity Fair published on August 17, 2018.

* His privileged access let him show Muhammad Ali away from the ring: preaching or sleeping, posing with black leaders like Malcolm X and James Meredith or playing with his children or with Elvis Presley.
** About {{w|Howard Bingham}}, the photographer who took an estimated 1 million pictures of Muhammad Ali over more than 50 years while becoming one of the boxer's closest friends, as published in his obituary in the Seattle Times, on December 23, 2016

* Time magazine at the turn of the century asked its readers to tell them who they thought was the person who contributed most to the 20th century. Well, obviously people said Martin Luther King Jr, others said Nelson Mandela and Elvis Presley. But who do you think was chosen? Einstein, whose books I saw being burned in 1933...
** Journalist and Holocaust survivor [[w:Walter Bingham (journalist)|Walter Bingham]]

* I’m a kid of the ’60s. When I was growing up I used to love going to see Elvis Presley in the cinema. I’m still a big Elvis fan. They’ve rehashed some of his music, with Elvis singing, along with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Really incredible, so beautiful. Myself and my wife actually played one of the songs – And The Grass Won’t Pay No Mind – at our marriage ceremony, as we were walking into the registry office.
** Irish Journalist {{w|Charlie Bird}} in an interview with the Irish Examiner as published on their March 11, 2021 edition.

* The Elvis effect, resulted in a lot more people getting poliovirus vaccinations. We need a series of ‘Elvises’ to promote vaccination for COVID-19 protection
** {{w|Pamela Bjorkman}}, structural biologist at the California Institute of Technology, in an article published by USA Today's April 19, 2021 edition.

* Cilla would record and perform Beatles numbers throughout her career, but in the 60s and up to the mid-70s, she did more than most. Her renditions of &quot;Yesterday&quot;,&quot;For No One&quot; , &quot;Across The Universe&quot; and others became big favourites with radio DJs, not to mention with The Beatles, who always liked the way she interpreted their material. Previous praise from Randy Newman, for her take on one of his songs had been sweet music to her ears. And just imagine how she felt when Paul McCartney said to her that her &quot;Long And Winding Road&quot; was the song's definitive version. She had, however and this to her dying day, something to be immensely proud of – Elvis Presley had her &quot;You're my world&quot; on his famous jukebox at Graceland.
** About UK singer {{w|Cilla Black}}, in an article published at the Sunday Post̪'s December 28, 2018 edition but which nevertheless fails to highlight that it was her &quot;You're my world&quot; which was actually being played at Elvis' jukebox when the Beatles visited him at his 525 Perugia Way home in Bel Air, California on August 27, 1965.

* I was in a friend's studio when a buddy of his called and told him. 'I got some news for you. Do you want me to tell you now or later?' I said later because I was in the studio when President Kennedy was killed and also when Martin Luther King was killed, so I knew the effect bad news can have on a session. When the session was over he told me and I thought he was joking and it didn't hit me until I lay down to sleep. The one other time that I experienced that was when my mother and my son died. It wasn't because he wouldn't he doing any more of my songs. It was like a piece of the whole business. I mean some people you just figure are never going to die. Inside, they'll always live. When they're gone, a certain piece goes and you just can't believe it.
** Reaction of {{w|Otis Blackwell}}, the African-American songwriter, singer, and pianist, whose work significantly influenced rock and roll, to the death of Elvis Presley

* He would probably be considered a baritone, but he could reach notes that most baritone singers could not. Much of his abilities emanated from a very intense desire to execute a song as he wanted to do it, which meant that he ''really'' sang higher than he would normally be able to. When the adrenaline is going, and the song is really pumping, you can get into that mode where you can actually do things, vocally, that you couldn't normally do. So he had a tremendous range because of his desire to excel and be better, and that's why he could do a lot of things that most people couldn't.
** {{w|Terry Blackwood}}, lead singer of the Gospel group, the &quot;Imperials&quot;.

* The moment he walked in, it was almost like all the guys there were bowing down to him, but he didn't care whatsoever. It was an amazing time, because the electricity just floated through the air. Everybody there was on cloud nine but he just acted the way a country boy would act. Elvis was truly a gentleman and a sweetheart of a guy.
** Drummer {{w|Hal Blaine}}, telling Rollingstone what it felt like to be with Elvis in the studio during the taping of 1968 NBC special, and in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* My grandmother, known as Ms Topp at the local public school, lived on Church Street. She taught Elvis Presley music and I'll tell you a funny story about it. Years later when I asked what he was like, she said ‘Oh you know, he really was a sweet boy but he didn’t have a lick of talent’ so that tells you something about how we judge talent in our family that's for sure,” LOL.
** {{w|Marion Blakey}}, former head of Rolls-Royce North America and of the Federal Aviation Administration, recalling what she calls her &quot;first claim to fame&quot;, in an interview to Tupelo's Daily Journal published on October 31, 2018.

* Record producer Phil Spector, who is currently serving his sentence for the 2003 shooting death of actress {{w||Lana Clarkson}},finally settled his divorce with his third wife, Rachelle Short. In the settlement, signed December 4, 2018, they are forced to sell their infamous castle and evenly divide the proceeds, while she keeps many of her vehicles, most notably a 2015 Aston Martin Vanquish and even a small aircraft. He, on the other hand, keeps his various Grammy Awards, Gold and Platinum Records, a 1965 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud III and John Lennon memorabilia, including an electric guitar and a lithograph, as well as a pair of diamond cufflinks gifted personally to him by Elvis Presley.
** Blast magazine, in an article entitled &quot;Phil Spector splits castle with ex-Wife, keeps diamond cufflinks from Elvis in divorce settlement&quot;, published twenty days after it was finalized, in an article published on December 24, 2018.

* From Thursday to Sunday, fans traveled in a mob mentality with Tiger Woods, sprinting from hole to hole and emphatically yelling “He’s like Elvis Presley,” and, “We want to roar with you, baby!” along the way. It was the “Walking Dead” meets “Caddyshack.” A strange combination.. but the truth.
** Jon Blauvelt, recalling the way {{w|Tiger Woods}} captivated the attention of thousands upon thousands of people who stormed upon Ponte Vedra Beach for the sole reason of watching him play, as published in the Ponte Vedta Reporter on May 13, 2018.

* But better Elvis should pay those multi-millions in taxes (thereby doing as much for the War on Poverty) than you or I. &quot;If his manager&quot;, said Goldman, &quot;had sheltered his income from the taxman and invested it intelligently, Elvis Presley could have been as wealthy as Bob Hope&quot;. Well, I ask you. But I think we can be grateful to Elvis for his grin, his pelvis, his leap, and for the punky, biracial, engaging, ineluctably erotic and still mysterious tenor of his voice.
** {{w|Roy Blount Jr.}}, reviewing Albert Goldman's Elvis, for the NYT in 1981. See also Kelly Phillips Erb's essay on Forbes, focusing on Elvis being his country's highest personal taxpayer for almost a decade.

* He had an amazing charisma, was so passionate about what he did, and the people could feel it.
** {{w|James Blunt}} in a 1997 filmed interview

* I remember well the afternoon when Elvis Presley and his mother came into the Tupelo Hardware. He wanted to buy a .22 rifle and his mother wanted him to buy a guitar. I showed him the rifle first and then I got the guitar for him to look at. I put a wood box behind the showcase and let him play the guitar for some time. Then he said he did not have that much money, which was only $7.75 plus a 2% sales tax. His mother told him that if he would buy the guitar instead of the rifle, she would pay the difference for him. The small amount of money that he had to spend had been earned from running errands and doing small jobs for people.
** Forrest L. Bobo, of the {{w|Tupelo Hardware}} store in Tupelo, MS, in an affidavit written in 1979 where he confirmed the details of the purchase of Elvis first guitar, a 1940 Kay model, paid for by both Elvis, with his savings, and his mother, for his eleventh birthday and on January 8, 1946.

* There is no denying that Elvis had a great talent. He possessed a pliant voice with extensive range and a soft and enveloping timbre. Plus, he was an extremely charismatic person. It’s curious that the two songs of his I sing the mosthave a long history behind them. In both cases, Elvis' versions are extraordinary and memorable. Yet I have the wishful thinking that I too had something to say, to add, artistically speaking, to the performance of these classics. The melody of &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; comes from a sentimental ballad from the time of the American Civil War. It’s a song with roots that go back to the 1800s.  As for &quot;Can't help falling in love&quot;  the melody is even older, being taken from a very famous Romanza composed at the end of the 18th century, Plaisir d'amour,  a well-known French love song that was composed in 1784 by Jean-Paul-Égide Martini.
**{{w|Andrea Bocelli}}'s laud of Elvis the singer and the artist,in an interview with The Express as published in their January 15, 2022 edition

* We're now trying to get the National Park Service to recognize his home in Louisville as a national historic landmark. Hopefully we can partner with them to continue to run it as a museum, like they've done it with Martin Luther Kings home in Atlanta and with Elvis Presley's home in Memphis. Ali walks among those giants.”
** George Bochetto, trial lawyer and former [[w:Pennsylvania Department of State|Pennsylvania State Boxing Commissioner]] in an article published at Wave3 on February 24, 2019

* She came back, and that was that.  We never spoke about it again. Kind of flattering,   now that I look back, to know that she chose me over Elvis.  Very few men can say that...
** {{w|Peter Bogdanovich}}, commenting on how he reacted to Cybil Shepherd's returning to him after Elvis and she were having an affair in 1972 and,   after a month or so, he  asked her to choose between them, in an interview for the Biography channel on the life of Cybil Shepherd

* At age 5, he decided that he wanted to be a musician when his father took him to the Elvis Presley concert in his home town of Sioux City on May 26, 1956.
** About US musician {{w|Tommy Bolin}}, (1951–76) former lead guitarist for the UK band Deep Purple, in an article penned by Tom Longden and published on the Des Moines Register on 23 December 2017.

* Three friends of mine and I were singing ‘Teddy Bear&quot; and I remember thinking it not at all remarkable that we would sing this Elvis Presley song. So here's these four black young men singing, ‘Just wanna be your Teddy Bear,’ We just said, “This is OK, this guy is alright.‘ I think my peers thought Elvis Presley was OK.
** {{w|Julian Bond}}, African American Civil rights leader recalling the time, in 1957, when he and his friends found themselves singing an Elvis song at an ice-breaker event at Atlanta's prestigious black Morehouse College, as published by the Independent on August 16, 2017.

* We Germans will never understand U.S. foreign policy. You save Europe with The Marshall Plan, Berlin with the Airlift, and then you turn around and give us.... Elvis Presley.&quot;
** The Federal City of {{w|Bonn}}'s Public Relations Office on the arrival of PFC Elvis Presley to Germany, on October 3, of 1958.

* i) I recently met with Coretta Scott King, John Lewis and some of the other leaders of the American civil rights movement, and they reminded me of the cultural apartheid rock &amp; roll was up against. I think the hill they climbed would have been much steeper were it not for the racial inroads black music was making on white pop culture. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Creedence Clearwater Revival were all introduced to the blues through Elvis. He was already doing what the civil rights movement was demanding: breaking down barriers. You don't think of Elvis as political, but that is politics: changing the way people see the world. ii) In Elvis, you had the whole lot; it's all there in that elastic voice and body. As he changed shape, so did the world. His last performances showcase a voice even bigger than his gut, where you cry real tears as the music messiah sings his tired heart out, turning casino into temple. I think the Vegas period is underrated. I find it the most emotional. By that point Elvis was clearly not in control of his own life, and there is this incredible pathos. The big opera voice of the later years -- that's the one that really hurts me.
** {{w|Bono}} lead singer of [[U2]], for Rolling Stone magazine, as published in their April 15, 2004 edition.- 2004 Issue Rolling Stone

* I identify a lot with Elvis. He was a loyal guy and love his style of singing.
** {{w|Jon Bon Jovi}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Elvis Presley was serving in the military in 1959 when he came under the weather. Doctors diagnosed tonsillitis and suggested that the vocalist, then the biggest performer in the universe, have his tonsils removed. Presley, already more trustworthy than most modern performers in his pleasant acceptance of military duty, agreed. The problem was that no doctor nearby wanted to risk operating on the star, fearing that malpractice would leave him without his golden voice, and either a lawsuit or an an angry fan could ruin any medical career and/or life. They gave him penicillin instead and fortunately everything worked out
** Ryan Book, in The Music Times Dec 1, 2014

* When Bob King and I hosted our radio shows on WBMK and WKGN in the 1980s, we played R&amp;B music of the 1940s through 1969, talked about the music, the artists and stories related to the music industry and revealed the real names of the performers while taking requests from the listeners. We would chuckle as we introduced “The Twist” by Ernest Evans. How could our audience know that the real name of the man who recorded “It’s Just a Matter of Time” was Benjamin Franklin Peay? I believe I would have changed my name to Brook Benton, too. Yet one could go from bad to worse. I don't know why Otha Elias Bates McDaniels changed his name to Bo Diddley. Dinah Washington had 34 top 10 records. She didn't like her birth name, Ruth Jones, and changed it. Some of the others were James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, with 107 hits during the time we were on the air. Billie Holiday, the great jazz singer changed her name from Eleanor Gough. Many referred to her as Lady Day. Ella Fitzgerald, the most honored jazz singer of all time, won the DownBeat magazine poll as top female vocalist more than 20 times. Aretha Franklin was the Queen of Soul with 60 numbers on that chart during our broadcast. Although we did not play any Bessie Smith, we knew she had been dubbed Empress of the Blues. Finally, on our shows we recognized Elvis Presley, who had 33 numbers on the R&amp;B chart, as the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll.
** {{w|Robert J. Booker}} African American freelance writer and former executive director of the Beck Cultural Exchange Center, in an article published by the Knoxville News Sentinel on 11 October 2016.

* We became very good friends, leased homes in Bel Air and visited each other. And back then, in the early 60's of course, I had a wife, and four little children, he was not married, and would come over some afternoons unannounced and visit with me, my wife and my children. They would maybe jump out of the swimming pool, and come running up and get in his lap, and he would become soaking wet, you know, and I would say, 'Girls, don't do that'. And Elvis said, 'Oh, no, let them, let them'. And I knew that he wanted a family.
** {{w|Pat Boone}}, in an exclusiv3e interview with David Adamas, for elvisaustralia

* He was not quite a hillbilly, not yet a drugstore cowboy. He was a Southern — in that word's connotation of rebellion and slow, sweet charm.
** {{w|Stanley Booth}}, casting back to the 1950s in his Esquire magazine article “Situation Report: Elvis in Memphis, 1967.”

* I may consider filing a resolution for Indiana to honor Elvis, after all we should do something to recognize the fact that his last concert was here in Indiana.
** {{w|Bruce Borders}} Representative for the 45th District in the Indiana House of Representatives, former Mayor of Jasonville, Indiana and an Elvis ETA since 1980.

* i) We must not condemn music which is not on a level as high as we’d like. A person who is listening to Elvis Presley in a five and ten is listening to a folk singer and is getting something from it. ii) The only thing he does like me is that he doesn´t come back for an encore. When he walks away the show is over.
** Comedian {{w|Victor Borge}},present at the Civic Auditorium, in Omaha, on May 20,1956.

* We've drafted people who are far, far more important than he is.
** Chairman of the Memphis Draft Board {{w|Stanley Bowers}}'s statement to the media, made public about a month before it became known that he had made a special visit to Graceland, over the 1957 Christmas period, to PERSONALLY inform Elvis of his impending draft, the first time that such a special gesture had ever been made by any Army Board, to any draftee, in the history of the US Armed Forces, as noted in the book, &quot;Colonel Parker, the Curious life of Elvis' manager&quot;

* Apparently Elvis heard my demos, because we were both on RCA, and Colonel Parker thought I should be introduced to him and maybe the two of us start working in a production-writer capacity. But it never came to pass. I would have loved to have worked with him. God, I would have adored it. He did send me a note once, which read &quot;All the best, and have a great tour.&quot; I still have that note. He was a major hero of mine and I was probably stupid to think that having the same birthday as him meant something.
** {{w|David Bowie}}, commenting on what could have taken place had he and Elvis worked together, as published in interview bowiewonderworld and wwwelvisnet.

* My celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I got to first meet him with George at Madison Square Garden in 1972.
** {{w|Pattie Boyd}}, the former wife of George Harrison and Eric Clapton, in an interview with the Sydney Herald in an article entitled &quot; Pattie Boyd: What my marriage to George Harrison and Eric Clapton taught me, as published on May 5, 2018. Two years later, she accompanied Clapton to a meet up with Elvis at a Memphis cinema. (Kindly refer to Clapton's entry).

* To have Elvis come home, so to speak during this bicentennial year for the state he was born into is very exciting,
** Betsy Bradley, Director of the {{w|Mississippi Museum of Art}}, in Jackson, MS, commenting on the loan of a &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; by Andy Warhol, from Richmond's Virginia Museum of Fine Art, and which is being shown at the Jackson museum as part of its Mississippi bicentennial exhibition and as reported by CBS's WJTV Channel 12, on November 29, 2017.

* When I was in high school, playing for Crystal City High at an away game in Memphis, I climbed up the wall that surrounded Graceland, reached over to a limb that was from a tree inside the wall, snapped the leaf off the tree and kept that leaf in my wallet for about six years.
** {{w|Bill Bradley}}, NY Knicks forward, then U.S. Senator for the state of New Jersey who ran unsuccessfully for the Democratic Party's nomination for President in the 2000 election. in an article for CJonline, published on January 27, 2000

* He was such a nice guy to work with, a quick study. He'd go over and play the demo acetate and listen to a bunch of them. When he finally found one he liked, by the time he walked from there back over to the mic, he knew the song.
** {{w|Harold Bradley}}, guitarist who worked with Elvis in Nashville, as noted in his obituary published on CMT News̺'January 31, 2019 edition.

* I was in Las Vegas giving a corporate presentation, because that's how I made money in the off season. Elvis called and I was skeptical at first. But then there is that specific way he spoke, and it was definitely him. He told me he liked the way I played and invited me to see him. It showed how much of a fan he was, that he wanted an NFL player to come and play with him and his buddies. But I had to catch a flight in an hour and man, it would have been the story of a lifetime, playing backyard football with Elvis. And I still think about it now.
** {{w|Terry Bradshaw}}, recalling with much fondness the day when the phone rang at his Las Vegas hotel room, in the midst of the Pittsburgh Steelers' 1970s glory days, as noted in an article entitled &quot;NFL, the story of Elvis and his NFL fandom&quot; as reported by Fox News on their January 8, 2018 edition.

* Elvis Presley bloated, over the hill, adolescent entertainer, suddenly drawing people into Las Vegas, had nothing to do with excellence, just myth. It’s convenient for people to believe that something is wonderful, therefore they’re wonderful.
** {{w|Marlon Brando}}, as stated in an interview published in Playboy magazine's January 1979 edition, thus only seventeen months after Presley passed away but more than three decades BEFORE his companion of eight years {{w|Rita Moreno}}, wrote in her 2014 autobiography entitled &quot;Rita Moreno: A Memoir&quot;, that during their time together she once went out on a date with Elvis then duly informed Brando, but in both cases only to make him jealous. Brando, who threw chairs all over when told, died in 2004, weighing 310 pounds and was never aware of her ruse.

* Winston Churchill would add wisdom, war stories and outrageous comments. As a dyslexic, and I love to learn from people with very different minds to my own, English mathematician and early computer developer, Ada Lovelace would be my second of six guests. Elvis Presley, one of the greatest entertainers of all time and an example of people with great talent, along with Nelson Mandela, would bring magic to the evening. Finally, the only person on my list whom I have already met is Princess Diana, the most delightful company, her presence at my dinner party spreading joy, laughter, and kindness around the room.
** UK Billionaire [[w:Richard Branson|Richard Branson]]'s ideal dinner party, albeit partial, list, as published in Real Clear Life's edition of September 30, 2016.

* Heartbreak, jealousy, loneliness-, Elvis Presley gave luxuriant voice to these less than cheerful emotions, but did you ever think of him as a balladeer of the unbearable bleakness of being, of the horror of existing without purpose in a godless universe? In the improbably vivacious London-born production of &quot;Woyzeck&quot;, vintage Elvis recordings provide much of the background music for Daniel Kramer's adaptation of Georg Büchner's great, prophetic drama of existential emptiness from the 1830's. Dolly Parton and, more predictably, Beethoven, make aural guest appearances but it's the voice of the Pelvis that sets the rhythm of life. And if the &quot;wedding&quot; of Presley and Büchner is more shotgun marriage than natural love match, at least you leave the theater feeling less suicidal than you normally do, after two hours with one of the grimmest heroes in Western literature.
** Ben Brantley, Chief Theater critic for The New York Times, in his article &quot;Where Existential Despair Meets Elvis&quot; (18 November 2006)

* A supplicant asks priest and television star Father Gavlin &quot;Who is more pupular, the Pope or Elvis Presley?&quot; The question is rhetorical...
** [[w:Gaylord Brewer|Gaylord Brewer]], discussing celebrity on the [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] &quot;A Casebook&quot; (p.124).

* Like most black people in the South, and to whom God has pressed down the harp of a thousand strings, that harp only needed tuning. Elvis' voice was that type of voice that agreed with the thought of Calvary. He had that type of bent and that type of inclination, AND ATTITUDE, that suggested that God could use him. I gave the music a different approach, a new beat, one beat, two beats, high or low, it didn't matter. So, I said come on in here and put your things together. And it was a glorious experience and Elvis was in that group. And when Elvis passed away it was a saddening thing. It was as if the clouds themselves started crying.
** {{w|W. Herbert Brewster}}, African American Baptist minister, composer, dramatist, singer, poet and community leader, explaining both how he changed the format of many gospel composed songs that led to him writing legendary Gospel songs many iconic Gospel legends such as Mahalia Jackson, Aretha Franklin and others would go on to record, as well as the chance of fate that led to him meeting a yet unknown teenage Elvis Presley when radio DJ Dewey Phillips reached out to him in the early 1950's to integrate his All-Black Church services with some of Dewey's White listeners of his R&amp;B music station, and as quoted in both &quot;Elvis Presley &amp; The Black Community – That Echo Will Never Die&quot; and in his book &quot;People Get Ready!: A New History of Black Gospel Music&quot;.

* When you walk into a New Zealander's home there's occasionally a portrait of the Queen or the Pope, but more often than not, hanging on a lounge wall, is a piece of Elvis Presley memorabilia. You'd see a hell of a lot of Elvis. As far as we kiwis are concerned, Elvis never left the building.
** Jackie Bridges, secretary of the Memory of Elvis Fan Club New Zealand, recalling her times in real estate in the city of Auckland, in an article entitled &quot; Kiwis can't help falling in love with the memory of Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in {{w|Stuff.co.nz}} on August 11, 2018.

* In early 1969, at American Studios in Memphis, I had a secret entrance made from an underground garage, a trap door coming from underneath the basement, so Elvis could drive in and the people wouldn't chase him. Girls would pull his hair, as well as his clothes off and all that stuff, which was fun, but eventually it got to be a pain. So I told him how he wouldn't have that problem, he could just go in, come up the steps, and we would record..
** [[w:David Briggs (American musician)|David Briggs]], in an article published on Billboard magazine, November 25, 2016 and entitled &quot;As Nashville Grows and Gentrifies, David Briggs Sets About Preserving Music Row History&quot;

* I'd have Sir David Attenborough though I think everyone would have him. Then Emma Thompson was one that I think would be really nice to have dinner with as she's always seemed like a really interesting lady, so she would be on my alive list of guests. In terms of deceased people, I would have a young Elvis I think, or before he was at his peak anyway. Then JFK. They would be four interesting people, with different backgrounds. You could go right back and say Julius Caesar but I am NOT sure he would totally get what David Attenborough's been doing...
** {{w|Miles Briggs}}, British politician and member of the Scottish Parliament after the 2016 election, answering a question of what would be his ideal short list of dinner guests at his table, as published in Horywood on January 17, 2018

* The late writer [[w:Norman Mailer|Norman Mailer]], used to tell me that, in history, only a few names get known. So, you know, Andy Warhol would paint Mao Tse Tung or Elvis Presley. I think Trump always wanted to be in that class of a known name.
** [[w:Douglas Brinkley|Douglas Brinkley]],  describing the by then former US President Donald Trump as someone clever and smart but with no sense of history,in  an interview with CNN on 15 July 2021. 

* That's when the price of art really started going up....
** Billionaire [[w:Eli Broad|Eli Broad]], after pointing towards Andy Warhol's &quot;Single Elvis&quot;, since 2015 gracing the walls of the then recently built family-owned Broad Museum in Los Angeles, CA, and as told to reporter Jeffrey Fleishman who interviewed him and his wife Edye inside the museum for the LA Times on August 22, 2015..

* We at Fox were the only people who could put John Wayne, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe in movies and not have them do any business,
** Jack Brodsky, Fox producer,  as noted in  Vanity Fair's  April 1998  edition

* In the live music business, it doesn’t get any bigger than stadium concerts. Thanks to the large seating capacity of most stadiums, artists playing at the top echelon of touring can earn $4 million to $5 million per show — double and triple what they can earn at arenas.But the model for stadium touring business wasn’t drafted by a major concert promotion company or a professional sports executive, but by a 16-year-old girl named Kay Wheeler who found herself swept off her feet by a Mississippi singer named Elvis Presley. According to the new book &quot;Rock Concert&quot; by Wall Street Journal music and arts contributor Marc Meyers, Wheeler convinced the Cotton Bowl to host a concert headlined by the “Blue Suede Shoes” crooner, convinced a local radio station to be her partner, and drew in a capacity crowd thanks a letter writing campaign promoting the concer
** Dave Brooks, reviewing ** [[w:Marc Meyers|Marc Meyers]],'s &quot;Rock concert&quot;, an oral history telling the story of the individuals who helped launch the modern live music industry, as published in Billboard's December 18, 2021 edition

* I'm sitting in the drive-through and I've got my three girls in the back and this station comes on and it's playing &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; the original version, and my girls are jumping up and down, going nuts. I'm looking around at them and they've heard Dad's music all the time and I don't see that out of them.&quot;
** [[w:Garth Brooks|Garth Brooks]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I like what he's doing. He’s rocking the blues, that's all he's doing. Rock and roll is here to stay because it comes from natural people. Rock and roll is a natural steal from the blues, and the blues will never die and the blues can't die because it's a natural steal from the spirituals.
** Bluesman {{w|Big Bill Broonzy}}, considered a profound influence on numerous African American musicians, including Muddy Waters, all of whom admired him, not just for his musicianship, but for having the courage to write several songs dealing with the injustices African-Americans suffered, particularly in the Jim Crow era, as stated in one of Studs Terkel's Chicago radio shows, sometime in 1957. Also equally important, perhaps even more important, were Big Bill Broonzy's blues songs of protest (he wrote a number of them) about African-Americans and what they were dealing with in the Jim Crow era.

* I named it Planet Elvis (17059) because I had discovered a similar one, just two days before and which I called Rock and Roll (17058). It just seemed befitting...
** Australian astronomer {{w|John Broughton}}, after having discovered a couple of small planets at the Ready Creek Observatory, located at the Gold Coast, in Queensland Australia, on April 13 and 15 of 1999, both of which now duly inscribed in Wikipedia's List of Minor Planets.

* Well, they were {{w|James Brown}}, {{w|Michael Jackson}}, {{w|Elvis Presley}}, {{w|Rick James}}, {{w|Prince (musician)|Prince}}  and {{w|Donny Hathaway}}....
** [[w:Bobby Brown|Bobby Brown]], naming his biggest musical influences in a 1989 interview 

* Imagine Elvis with a master's degree performing a whole set about mandatory staff meetings.
** About [[w:Eddie Brown|Eddie Brown]], who in 2017 posted a video called, 'What Teachers Really Say.&quot; which went viral, as did his next 60, making him an icon among educators throughout the US, as highlighted in the CBS Evening News' edition of February 9, 2018-

* He said I was good and I said he was good, we never argued about that. I wasn't just a fan, I was his brother; Elvis was a hard worker, dedicated, and God loved him. Last time I saw him was at Graceland, We sang 'Old Blind Barnabus' together, a gospel song. I love him and hope to see him in heaven. There'll never be another like that soul brother.
** [[w:James Brown|James Brown]], in the book ''Elvis Has Left the Building: The Day the King Died'', p 30

* He was one of a kind, nobody like him. And they all respected him. The unique thing about talking football to another celebrity is that it never comes as real, but with Elvis you could because he understood it at that level and that made it good for me to exchange because I could talk to him as I couldn't talk to an actual novice. He was the biggest personality, was truly big and I'm happy he was a friend of mine
** [[w:Jim Brown|Jim Brown]], in a documentary entitled NFL Elvis, released on 30 November of 208.

* Elvis was just his own thing, man. My grandmother was a huge fan of Elvis; I remember she used to have this amazing Elvis bag that she would take everywhere, it was just her face unwrapped in a handbag. As I got older, I started listening to his music, and if you really listened to him, he wouldn’t be afraid to do anything. I find myself trying to look like him all the time, in “Blue Christmas” or “Hound Dog.” No matter how long this world lasts, he will still be talked about.
** [[w:Kane Brown|Kane Brown]], stating his love for Elvis in an article entitled &quot;Why Ken Brown loves Cookie Monster, Elvis Presley, and ‘Ted Lasso’ and published in the NYT's January 11, 2022 edition

* As a vocalist, Elvis Presley possessed the rare ability to give the melodramatic a genuine authenticity; it's easy to take Elvis Presley for granted and yes, we all know that Elvis had a huge role in defining rock in the beginning, but few of us really know what that means; but then there's that voice, which Elvis uses to cut through to the most complex meaning of the song — the meaning that the song's writers might not even know exists — and lay it bare. On &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;, he takes the longing sentiment in &quot;Any Day Now&quot; (1969), his voice lending it a certain buoyancy that most artists would never even think belongs, and in doing so he embeds a deceptively simple pop song with depth and mystery, all through inflection; a craftsman at heart, his experimentation didn't manifest itself in innovation, but in refinement of his already incomparable technique; as a result, &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot; documents what happens when an artist who instinctively personalizes the songs he sings decides to get even more personal; the outcome is raw, stripped of all pretense, and dedicated to the idea of the song, his voice bringing with it a grave amount of weight; if you want an indication of why Elvis deserves a place in current pop culture, pick up &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;; the music speaks for itself; authenticity never goes out of style.
** Marty Brown, music critic for Culture Cartel.com, reviewing &quot;From Elvis in Memphis&quot;, on 15 August 2002

* In 1969 I was playing piano for the Stamps and we got invited to go to the Elvis suite at the International, after his first show there on July 31, 1969. J.D. Sumner, who was Elvis' idol from way back and the leader of the Stamps, said that we would have to flip a coin to see who would go with him to the suite and meet Elvis. And I won, and then when I entered the room, and saw him, I thought &quot;Man if I could look like this dude, I could get every chick in the world. He was the coolest person I have ever seen in my life. Playing piano for him, even if it was only fir the last two years of his life, defines my own life, in spite of all the success I've had as a producer since.
** [[w:Tony Brown (record producer)|Tony Brown]] American record executive and pianist, known primarily for his work in country music, producing Reba McEntire, Vince Gill, and George Strait, in an interview with the Today show, on August 16, 2017.

* Elvis Presley, at age 13
** Argentinean singer and director of the the Espacio Malaver Singing School {{w|Franciso Brunetta}}'s answer as to who was his first and greatest influence, and at what age that took place, as published in Queen's Chronicle's edition of September 15, 2016. Brunetta was born actually 5 years AFTER Presley's death.

* I‘m a music man and like to DJ on the decks in my kitchen, where I often listen to tunes while rustling up food, a bit like {{w|Gordon Ramsay}}. I love Ray Charles, Sting, Dire Straits and sometimes I‘ll even drop some Elvis and all that has got me into a bit of bother with neighbours
** [[w:Frank Bruno|Frank Bruno]], in an article entitled &quot;UK Boxing legend Frank Bruno in trouble with neighbours for blasting out Elvis tunes&quot; as published in the &quot;Stock Daily Dish&quot; 's December 1, 2019 edition.

* What's amazing is that when we were walking up the stairs to come up, I was like ‘Gosh, a lot of cool people have come up these stairs.' That’s when Stephen Colbert pointed out to me that Elvis Presley performed right where our interview was taking place. He’s your dream collaboration,” Dierks Bentley, who was co-hosting then asked me: “Living or dead? I choose Elvis, which is a weird thing to ask somebody. People are like, ‘Living or dead? Who would you like to perform with?’ I'm like, ‘That’s kind of weird, but I always say Elvis. In fact, try to perform my shows like Elvis is watching and try to do the best I can night in and night out and have a big ol’ performance.&quot;
** {{w|Luke Bryan}}, during the taping of his segment at the Ed Sullivan Theatre, for CBS's Late Show with Stephen Colbert, as published on CMT News on March 29, 2017

* His death is like that of Elvis Presley.
** African American {{w|Kobe Bryant}} fan, on his death at age 41 following a horrific helicopter crash, as told in an interview outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA, on January 26, 2020

* My first-grade music teacher played a video of an Elvis performance for the class and that was it for me. My mom dyed my hair black and I got a leather jacket, and she made me a gold lamé jacket, and I started writing ‘Elvis’ on all my papers because I believed, in first grade, that I was Elvis.”
** Tyler Bryant, frontman for {{w|Tyler Bryant &amp; The Shakedown}}, arguing in favor of music programs not being cut in elementary schools, in an interview with Billboard and published on 26 October, 2017

* I hold no brief for Presley and I’ve never seen him, but when police are allowed to set up cameras and be judge, that’s an invasion of an artist’s rights and should be looked into, mighty carefully, by every artist and actors’ agency in our business.
** [[w:Yul Brynner|Yul Brynner]] Oscar winner for Best Actor in 1957, defending Elvis after the Los Angeles police set up cameras to watch his second show at the Pan Pacific Auditorium and ostensibly have some kind of proof should his behaviour be deemed inappropriate, in an interview with the Los Angeles Times, on 29 October, 1957.

* I think that soul has little to do with the colour of your skin or where were you born. It's the same with acting, if the actor believes in the story, so does the public, so I thank Elvis, who is one of my favourites singers in both the R&amp;R and R&amp;B fields, for doing the music I love the most.
** Canadian superstar {{w|Michael Bublé}}, in an interview to the Diario La Razon, in Buenos Aires, prior to his performing in his wife's country, and as published in that daily's online edition on 10 September 2014

* At first his Vegas career didn't go quite as planned. In fact, Elvis's first appearance in the gambling capital was in 1956 at the New Frontier Hotel. However, he didn't receive the support from local publications, with many believing that his rough sound wasn't what the middle-aged audience in Vegas at the time wanted. Therefore his two-week residency was cut short after just a week. Nevertheless, he made the perfect comeback with hundreds upon hundreds of consecutive sell-outs from 1969 until December 1976. He opened the then-International Hotel Casino, with more than 2,000 fans turned out for opening night in July 1969 which saw the line that lead into the city's largest showroom stretch to the hotel's front lobby. No one has quite made as much of an impact since.
** {{w|Brett Buchanan}}, in an article entitled &quot;Who Is The Biggest Celeb To Perform At Vegas?&quot; published at Alternative Nation on October 14, 2016

* Just the other day, I was interviewed for a story, and sure enough, the interviewer brought up my night with Elvis in Paris and couldn't believe I had been in that close a relationship with him. People don't want to hear about President de Gaulle, President Kennedy or Frank Sinatra. They weren't that important, compared with him. A picture was taken of the two of us, but I can't find it. People just have to take my word for it. This is how it all happened. Elvis, in his Army uniform and on leave from Germany was staying at the Hotel Prince de Galles, so the moment I got the tip I went there to interview him and at one point I said, &quot;What are you doing tonight?&quot; He said, &quot;Nothing, sir.&quot;I said, &quot;Come out with me and I'll show you Paris.&quot; He said: &quot;That would be very nice, sir. No one has offered to take me out in Paris.&quot; &quot;That's because they don't know you're here. We'll just go out, the two of us, so we won't be bothered by a lot of fans.&quot; I came home for dinner and told my wife, &quot;I'm going out with Elvis Presley tonight.&quot; She didn't believe it. I said: He's in Paris all alone and I'd be doing our country a service by showing him around.&quot; My wife didn't like the idea of the two of us going out on the town. She said, &quot;I'd like to come along.&quot; I told her, &quot;I promised Elvis it would only be the two of us.&quot; She said, &quot;Why didn't you bring him here for dinner?&quot; I said, &quot;That wouldn't be Paris.&quot; I recall now her saying to my children, &quot;Do you know who Daddy's going out with tonight?&quot; They asked, &quot;Who?&quot; My wife said, &quot;I can't tell you, but you have his records in your room.&quot; I picked Elvis up at his hotel and told him the Lido had the best show in town and I could get him the best table. After the show, we went backstage and that's when all the fun began. Everyone who has interviewed me wants a complete description of how he performed that night. I have been living off Elvis Presley ever since. To this day, when people ask me what was my greatest night in Paris, I tell them it was at the Lido with him. If only I could find that damn photo...
** [[w:Art Buchwald|Art Buchwald]], Pulitzer Prize winner journalist, humorist and commentator recalling his time spent with Elvis in Paris in June of 1959 in an article entitled The King and I, and published by the Paris based newspaper he worked for many years as a columnist, the International Herald Tribune, in 2006.

* Presley brought an excitement to singing, in part because rock and roll was greeted as his invention, but for other reasons not so widely reflected on: Elvis Presley had the most beautiful singing voice of any human being on earth. Presley, for some fans, was primarily a balladeer. &quot;Don't Leave Me Now&quot; (1957), is a love song given distinctiveness by Presley's twangy enunciation, and sustained by the guitar and rhythm sections designed perfectly to complement the balladeer, filled out towards the song's end – as with so much of Presley- ,with what one conveniently calls the heavenly choir, which wafts him home but never overwhelms the country lilt Presley gives his music. said:
** [[William F. Buckley, Jr.]] in his article &quot;The Crooner, R.I.P.: Perry Como and the casual mode,&quot; published by the National Review on June 11, 20

* I think it's a little harder to churn out interfaces with sociology. When I was a kid and Elvis broke through it was a sociological phenomenon that lasted through the Beatles and even a bit through Fleetwood. I grew up in Atherton, California, with my two older brothers, one of whom, Jeff turned me onto Elvis. Without Jeff, I probably wouldn't be here today, so damn you, Jeff!!!.&quot;
** {{w|Lindsay Buckingham}}, lead singer and guitarist for the UK/American band [[Fleetwood Mac]], speaking at the University of Southern California after a two-hour performance and Q&amp;A session at the University's Bovard Auditorium and as published by Billboard on May 1, 2015

* And then of course, the same Phillips auction that saw the new Speedmaster record, also gave us the new overall record for an Omega wristwatch in the form of a watch was owned by Elvis Presley. It absolutely crushed its pre-sale estimates of CHF 50,000-100,000 on the way to $1.8 million, overtaking a record set by a rare observatory tourbillon sold at Phillips's in November of 2017 Geneva sale.
** Jon Bues, writing in an auction report on the sale of Elvis' 1960 Omega on May 12, 2018, the buyer being the Omega Museum on Biel Switzerland.

* Angel loved kittens, horses, shopping and Elvis Presley. Most of all she loved giving hugs. Her parents would often take her mushroom hunting, usually carrying her Bible with her .
** The [[w:Buffalo, Missouri|Buffalo Reflex]]'s obituary of Angel Elizabeth King, age 10, who died of brain cancer on December 15, 2018 and as published on their December 22, 2018 online edition.

* He was the only man from Northern Mississippi who could shake his hips, and still be loved by rednecks, cops and hippies.
** [[w:Jimmy Buffet|Jimmy Buffet]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I will release my tax returns if Donald Trump does too and yes, I will again wear my Elvis costume and even dance with Hillary in the streets of Omaha, as she wants, if she wins.
** US Mega Billionaire [[w:Warren Buffet|Warren Buffet]]'s promise, as delivered in an interview following an article published on the Washington Post on August 1, 2016.

* In 1967, we were once performing two sets at DC's Cellar Door (a 163-seat music club) at 34th and M streets and as we were changing for the second set, the manager tapped on our door and said, ‘You have five minutes. By the way, 'The King' is in the house. I was the baby in the group and the others had seen queens and kings, they perform all over the world. I had never seen a king. I changed my clothes and cleaned up. I peeked and when I looked out, there was Elvis. He and Col. Parker were secluded from the audience. They had been there for the first set. When he stood up I was breathless. He asked me to sit down, but I had to go. I said, ‘I want you to know, I followed your career.’ And he said in his Elvis voice, ‘The Platters were very influential in my career. You did extremely well on ‘I Only Have Eyes for You.’ He said he liked the way I sang it in the first set. I went back and told the guys and they didn't believe me. I said, ‘Yes he is out there.’ We go on stage and I was looking for him. I had the microphone in my hands and he was gone.....
** Milton Bullock when asked what was his favourite moment as a singer for [[w:The Platters|The Platters]],in an interview for the Daily Herald and published on 16 September 2018.

* He had a love for God, his family, the congregation and a true reverence of Elvis Presley.
** About Reverend Clayton Burch, of Goshen Free Will [[w:American Baptist Churches USA|Baptist Church]] in Mount Holly, as quoted from his eulogy by Rev. Tommy Bulla, and as reported in the Gaston Gazzete on December 8, 2018

* One male vocalist stands out above all others, and that is Elvis Presley. To understand why, I suggest listening to Elvis's 1954 Sun recording of &quot;Blue Moon&quot; and his 1960 version of &quot;Fever.&quot; And be sure not to miss his rockabilly version of &quot;Good Rockin' Tonight.&quot; Then check out his tender, sweet version of &quot;Crying in the Chapel.&quot; Next, listen to the powerful high notes he hits on &quot;American Trilogy,&quot; especially his version of &quot;Battle Hymn of the Republic.&quot; Then listen to his undervalued masterpiece &quot;What Now My Love&quot; and &quot;It's Now or Never.&quot; The latter is wonderfully sweet, until the power of Elvis's voice kicks in and takes the song to another dimension. Now listen to him growl out &quot;One Night.&quot; Finish by listening to his enchanting country-flavored &quot;That's Alright (Mama)&quot; and gospel songs like &quot;Peace in the Valley.&quot; Try as I may, I can't think of another male singer who can go from nearly infinite sweetness, to ferocity, to spirituality, to tremendous power the way Elvis does. With the right song in hand, he was untouchable. But was Elvis the greatest male falsetto singer of all time? It's hard to say if Elvis was really singing falsetto at times because his voice was so wonderfully high, pure, sweet and effortless. But does it really matter how he did what he did?
** Poet and music columnist {{w|Michael R. Burch}}, as noted in his website The Hyper Texts and for an article entitled the World's Greatest Falsetto singers

* Rock and roll then, is a combination of gospel songs, blues, bebop, the love ballad, the folksy material of the hillbilly or western type song, and things based on personal experience. Rock and roll today has no color lines in its listening appreciation or in its development.
** [[w:Dan Burley|Dan Burley]], African American musician and journalist, as quoted in a chapter detailing the mass reaction to the early Elvis by the black community and as noted in page 135 of the book entitled &quot;Just My Soul Responding: Rhythm and Blues, Black Consciousness, and Race&quot;by Brian Ward.

* He stepped onto the stage, the band started to play, His hips began to move. He sang 'Good Rockin' Tonight' and before he was done, the crowd was whirled into a frenzy. Boy, he was different. As soon as he walked into the building you could feel his energy. He had the looks, the songs and the charisma. Whatever a star has, he had it – more than anyone else.”
** Guitarist [[w:Sonny Burgess|Sonny Burgess]], talking about seeing Elvis perform, in 1955, in an article on the WashingtonTimes.com

* When at last I made my journey to the land of the blues, I never dreamt for one minute that I'd actually become friends with the guys who were my mentors, heroes and my cultural icons. (Witherspoon's) voice held a great mysticism for me, like when I first heard the voice of Elvis Presley—you knew it was coming from the source.
** [[w:Eric Burdon|Eric Burdon]], lead singer of &quot;The Animals&quot;, commenting on his meeting bluesman Jimmy Witherspoon, as published in Gadfly's March 1998 edition.

* When I was on 'The Ed Sullivan Show,' I met Elvis. He was doing his 2nd appearance there, was super hot, very sweet and I even got his autograph for my kid sister. And did I think there would be something between us? Well, yes I thought so, but he didn't.(LOL)
**Comedian {{w|Carol Burnett}}, in an interview with Andy Cohen, and speaking about meeting the 20th Century's greatest celebrities, as published on TooFab on May 10, 2018.

* We never played together but I went to where he was playing and doing the blues. He took the blues and made rock 'n' roll out of it. And he give an account of everything he did. He said this is so-and-so's music. You know down in Birmingham, I can't think of the guys name, but Elvis did one of his numbers. Had it on a record, ya know. He went down there where Elvis was playing and walked up and his car had quit on him on the highway.After he got done with his album, he bought him a brand new car. He would do things like that. He made 2 or 3 people down in Atlanta and Birmingham rich, ya know. He had been doing their music and they didn't think they were gonna get nothing out of it, but he went down and found 'em, in fact bought 'em homes, gave them money and everything. I think he helped the black people. I sure enough do...
** [[w:R.L. Burnside|R.L Burnside]], African American blues singer, songwriter, and guitarist, as published in Rockmattares, from an interview in 1996 entitled &quot;One bad ass bluesman&quot;

* Burroughs is &quot;The Elvis of Letters!
** About [[w:William S. Burroughs|William S. Burroughs]], as noted in AllMusic, in an article  about the 1985 release of the album of the said name.

* He's Elvis. We've found Elvis and he looks like Tiger.
** Rick Burton, director of the Warsaw Sports Marketing Centre at the University of Oregon, comparing Tiger Woods with Elvis Presley.

* One day, my mother-in-law received a call from the school principal, who said that George was in his office, after having disrupted his music class. In true Elvis fashion, he'd taken a piece of charcoal and drawn sideburns and then tried to perform as Elvis for the other children.&quot;
** Former US First Lady [[w:Laura Bush|Laura Bush]], recalling his mother in law's, the also US First Lady Barbara Bush, having to go to school to pick up the future President of the United States, then 10 year old, after his having been on partial detention for imitating Elvis.

* You Memphis politicians had better watch out if Elvis Presley ever decides to enter politics.
** {{w|George H. W. Bush}}, during a speech at a luncheon previous to the Jaycees ceremony honoring Elvis, in 1970.

* Elvis Presley was a great entertainer who helped define an era. Thirty years after his death, his unmissable sound and sensational performances continue to influence generations of artists and inspire countless fans. This week is an opportunity to celebrate his life and career and be recognize his enduring contribution to popular culture.
** US President {{w|George W. Bush}}'s laud of Elvis on the 30th Anniversary of his death, in a letter addressed to EPE and the Presley family, sent from his White House office and signed by him on Jul 19, 2007

* I heard Elvis Presley and I knew what my life was meant to be.
** [[w:Robert Butcher|Robert Butcher]], English born photographer, best known for his American Madonnas and Liars, as published in Geeks of Doom.

* i)  I am just profoundly honored that Baz has invited me on this journey with him. It’s an extraordinary privilege. And I just feel so blessed to be working with such singular directors like him and Quentin Tarantino. ii) It was huge shoes to fill. I think when I began the process of this I set out to get my voice to sound identical to his. I held that for a long time and what that does is it also instills fear; that I'm not going to achieve that or whatever. That got the fire inside of me burning to work and work and work.
** [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]], i)  as reported by People magazine on its July 23, 2019, edition in connection with his being cast as Elvis in Baz Luhrmann's 2020 biopic ii) and by MENAFN on their March 17, 2022 edtion

* Why can't you see, what you're doing to me....
** Gral. [[w:Micael Bydén|Micael Bydén]], Supreme Commander of the Swedish Armed Forces, singing &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; while marching in front of a huge crowd at 2018's Stockholm's Pride parade.

== C ==


* Elvis Presley? I can’t see that he has any talent.”
** [[w:Cab Calloway|Cab Calloway]], as reported in The Ottawa Citizen, on April 3, 1956

* You got Elvis and David Bowie … they’re my heroes. It’s clear to me that Elvis was an opera singer
** [[w:Nicholas Cage|Nicholas Cage]], as noted in the Verve Tomes' January 28, 2021 edtion

* His life took a major turn at the age of 10, when listening to Radio Luxembourg and he heard Elvis Presley.
** Cindy Campbell, speaking about his dad, Irish Musician {{w|Eamonn Campbell}}, in an article published on October 27, 2017 by Irish Herald

* I didn't see a color, he wasn't white, he wasn't black... he was Elvis.
** [[w:Naomi Campbell|Naomi Campbell]], UK model and actress, in Elvis Lives an ABC 2002 Special.

* I met him in Albuquerque, NM, in 1956 and I got to see him on the raw, with Bill, Scottie and DJ. They were just awesome, so electrifying, with so much energy. I could understand why he was becoming so big then, and become even bigger later. He was a very handsome man, his aura and his honesty. His charisma was huge, but his was very special.....
** {{w|Glen Campbell}}, in an interview with Elvisaustralia.

* Had Presley never sung a note he might have still caused a stir, but sing he did. Watershed hits such as &quot;All Shook Up&quot; (1957) or, for instance, &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight&quot;, (1960), were eminently Presley's from the moment he put his stamp on them. His jagged, bubbly highs, and Southern baritone jump from those recordings like spirits from a cauldron. Elvis crooned romantically, then screeched relentlessly, always pouring his heart into the lyric and melody. After Elvis, the male vocalist could no longer just sing a song, especially in the new world of rock-n-roll. The &quot;feel&quot; of a performance far out-weighed the perfection of the take.
** James Campion, in his book &quot;The 25 Most Influential Americans of the 20th Century&quot;, published in 1996.

* We let him sing, he did fine and the crowd loved him but I thought at the time he would be a flash in the pan.
** {{w|Ace Cannon}}, recalling the night in the late summer of 1954 when DJ {{w|Dewey Phillips}} brought a guy to the Eagles's Nest, where Ace was playing with his band, and asked him to let him sing a song, as published in Scotty Moore's online page.

* I don't get it. Why would all these people stand in line for so long to get my husband's autograph? I wouldn't stand in line for anyone, except for one person – Elvis Presley.
** Dot Cannon, wife of {{w|Billy Cannon}}, twice a Heisman Trophy winner for LSU's football team, and an All American who later became a pro player in teams in both the AFL and the NFL.

* When I met him the first time in Memphis at the Peabody Hotel, it was a thrill. The thing was, he turned around and said to me “Freddy, I bought 'Tallahassee Lassie' and put it in my jukebox at Graceland”. All these singers were in the room, like Fabian, Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell, Chubby Checker, you could go down the line. So when he said that in front of all of them, he made me feel like a hundred feet tall. He liked my record because it was rock-and-roll. That was the biggest compliment of my life.
** [[w:Freddy Cannon|Freddy Cannon]] in his autobiography &quot;Where the action is&quot;

* You can not knock the fact that he's one of the kings of rap. His ability is second to none and he's definitely gonna go on the Mount Rushmore of Rap as one of the kings. He's Elvis Presley, the guy that took it to another level
** [[w:Nick Cannon|Nick Cannon]] for HipHopDX, speaking about Eminem, in an article published on their January 3, 2019 edition

* There is no way to describe the pandemonium. I never saw as many women in my life. They were screaming, yelling. I was just horrified. I thought, 'They're going to kill him.' And they would have if they could have gotten loose, I'm afraid.
** Comedian [[w:Minnie Pearl|Sarah Ophelia Colley Cannon]], who'd come in on the flight with Elvis to be one of his co-stars at the Pearl Harbor USS Arizona Memorial benefit, as noted in Biography's December 4, 2018 online edition.

* The opening strains of &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, which catapulted Presley's regional popularity into national hysteria, opened a fissure in the massive mile-thick wall of post-war regimentation, standardization, bureaucratization, and commercialization in American society and let come rushing through the rift a cataract from the immense waters of sheer, human pain and frustration that have been building up for ten decades behind it.
** Critic [[w:Robert Cantwell|Robert Cantwell]], in his memoir Twigs of Folly

* Elvis Presley gave me the only dinner party I've ever heard of his giving in Las Vegas. He lived very near me in Palm Springs, CA, and just as he was going to open at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, he invited me for dinner at the hotel. I had never seen him before, but he was nice and I sort of liked him.
** [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]], on the night he met Elvis at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, in August of 1969, as published on hellsunutterablelament's August 2, 2010 edition.

* In Memphis, they had built a football stadium, so we televised it for a two weeks to test the market. One Monday I am in the hotel, and so I get a phone call and this guy identifies himself as one of my fans, and he says he's Elvis Presley. I thought he was kidding, so he said &quot;You don't believe me, go down to the front of the hotel in 10 minutes, and I ll prove it to you&quot; So I went down there and he walks out of a Rolls Royce, we shake hands and takes me to Graceland. So after 15 minutes, I went to do the basket ball game then I came beck to his house. We sang, spoke, and suddenly he asked me if I had dinner, and if I liked barbecue ribs, so I stayed until 6 am eating a barrel of BBQ Ribs from The Rendevous, a restaurant which he called to make the order himself. That is how sensitive that guy was.
** [[w:Harry Caray|Harry Caray]], sportscaster on radio and television, in a 1998 interview with [[w:Roy Firestone|Roy Firestone]]

* I almost died when I was told I would be his co-star. He was an extraordinary handsome person with a very down to earth personality and a velvet voice. When he sang in the film I would melt. &quot;Why is this happening to me?&quot; I would say. I just couldn't believe it...
** [[w:Elsa Cardenas|Elsa Cardenas]], Mexican actress who starred with Elvis in 1962's Paramount-produced &quot;Fun in Acapulco&quot;

* In New Haven, they put me on the stage to help whip up some interest in &quot;Bayou&quot;. They hollered when I did the dance. It out-Elvises Elvis. Years later, during the filming of Change of Habit, he came up to me and said, ‘Aren’t you Timothy Carey? Didn’t you do The World's greatest sinner?&quot; I said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘I always wanted to see that movie- Do you have a 16&amp;nbsp;mm version?’ I only had a 35&amp;nbsp;mm, but we proceeded to talk about it. He knew all about it. I only had four prints. That was one of the reasons that I didn't send it. All hail the King! Oh, and Elvis too.
** [[w:Timothy Carey|Timothy Carey]], who would later appeared in Elvis last film, Change of Habit (1969), recalling the time he played the first of two characters, the other being the lead in &quot;The world's greatest sinner&quot;, whose dancing was totally and purposely based on Elvis's act, as told to columnist George Murray in 1958.

* The first thing I think of when I think about coming to Las Vegas and playing is always Elvis, it's always the first thing on my mind. When we were working on 'The Joke, my producer Dave Cobb wanted me to understand the emotion and intensity in a song, so suggested my listening to 'American Trilogy'
** {{w|Brandi Carlile}}, as published in www.graceland.com and on Billboard's edition of February 2, 2018.

* Elvis? He was a bogus white guy with sex appeal and good looks who ripped off a lot of great black music, watered it down and made it safe for lame whites who couldnt handle the experience of raw emotional black music. Never grew as an artist, remained an entertainer. Fuck Elvis&quot; 
** {{w|George Carlin}},  comparing four   amongst the   greatest entertainers of the 20th Century and rudely dismissing Elvis,  Sammy Davis Jr and  Frank Sinatra.  His choice for the greatest amongst them was Michael Jackson who, as he put it, &quot;should be given a bunch of kids and let him dance, as noted in a You Tube entitled   &quot;Michael Jackson beats them all&quot;  and  which quite understandably has  yielded  less tha 3,000 views in 10  YEARS.  . 

* Both came from humble backgrounds and meteorically captured their respective fields in a way that seemed to break entirely with the past and they both went into film as a means of exploring the mythic dimensions of their celebrity.
** John Carlin, as quoted in Christie'e laud of both Elvis and Andy Warhol, in connection with the May 15, 2019 sale of a Double Elvis, as noted by Christie's online page.

* In 1957, I traveled for the Toronto Telegram to Buffalo for Elvis' first concert there. I observed that he was a quiet, soft-spoken fellow, not so much affected by his new-found stardom as bewildered by it. He was savvy enough to hoist himself onto a backstage sawhorse so that, in a photo of the two, he appeared much taller than me, though the difference was actually only an inch. That photo became my treasured family memento.
** Canadian reporter {{w|Mike Carmichael}}, as noted in the Globe and Mail and the Toronto Telegram, on 23 November, 2017 in an obituary entitled &quot;Carmichael, a witness to history&quot;.

* The success of posthumous duets is often indirectly correlated to the respect with which the dearly departed is treated: the higher the pedestal, the less convincing the result. Wisely, the female country stars on “Christmas Duets” try to match Elvis Presley's mood, whether it's Carrie Underwood's tenderness on “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (1957), or Wynonna Judd's brawn on “Santa Claus Is Back in Town.” (1957), On a wild eight-minute “Merry Christmas Baby,”(1971), Gretchen Wilson saunters up to the song, full of attitude, before giving in; it sounds as if she's flirting with Mr. Presley just across the bar.
** Jon Carmanica, reviewing the &quot;Christmas Duets&quot; album for the New York Times, as published on 4 December, 2008

* In dealing with &quot;Elvis&quot;, I am bringing a lot of my own feelings, because I really love Elvis, loved his music, in some sense, I feel lucky to direct a movie about a man who was bigger than life, a human being, yes, but who became mythical.
** {{w|John Carpenter}}, in a 1979 interview on the making of the ABC film &quot;Elvis&quot; which he directed.

* I wanted to meet him so a few friends from Jackson and I traveled to Memphis on Jan. 18, 1971, to the Jaycees' 10 Outstanding Young Men of America ceremony. Elvis was the final recipient that evening at the old Ellis Auditorium. Of course, every one was trying to get to Elvis,but security would stop them and send them back. It looked like I wasn't going to meet him, after all. But my friends kept urging me, ‘Go on, Martha. Go see him.’ We were only about 40 feet from him. So I finally walked over toward him.” I was stopped by security, only to have Elvis step in: “Let her come on,” he said. I had my program for him to sign, and he did. Then Elvis said, ‘Would you like my water glass?’ I said, ‘Yes, please.’ He said, ‘Would you like my nametag?’ ‘Of course,’ I told him. That water glass has never been cleaned. It's in a shadow box with the nametag in the glass and the autographed program displayed. His DNA has never been washed out of that glass — and never will be.And the man who presented Elvis his award, George H. W. Bush, became America's 41st president 18 years later.
**[[w:Martha Carr|Martha Carr]], recalling the day she met Elvis, for the Clarion Ledger, and as published on March 8, 2018

* I was 34 when I met him. You had to realize that my father, being Mexican American, was very, very strict. He never allowed us to hear rock 'n roll or anything on the radio. Anything that had to do with music was the Big Band era with the records they had and/or the ranchera Mexican American music and the Mexican artists. So, when I would hear about Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, I could not relate to the hysteria. Okay, so I was in Vegas and I was engaged to this doctor who took care of Elvis when he was there. One day he said, &quot;Elvis wants to meet you.&quot; so I said, &quot;Oh, yeah. Right!&quot; He said, &quot;No. Really. So, we went to his show, but my attitude was like &quot;Show me!&quot; I was looking at the show, obviously as a fellow performer the overall look of the show, the staging, the lighting and I was so impressed. Then his singers came out, The Sweet Inspirations. They were incredible. So, then he came out in his white suit. I noticed his stance and I'm thinking to myself, he is standing up there very sure of himself. Plant yourself well and the way his fingers would kind of bend. Of course now everybody's going crazy and I'm looking around and going, &quot;Wow!&quot; Then towards the end of the show he says, &quot;Now I'd like to introduce one of the greatest singers because she sings from her gut&quot; and I'm looking around because the people are all screaming and I said, &quot;Oh, my God, who the heck is here?&quot; (Laughs). He says, Miss. Vikki Carr!&quot; My fiance said, &quot;Vikki, stand up!&quot; I said, &quot;I'm trying to. My brain is saying stand, but my legs won't work. So, I finally stood up and then Elvis has his hand out. So, I went up and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. And then he dedicated It's now or never to me.He was wonderful to me.
**[[w:Vikki Carr|Vikki Carr]], as told to Gary James in an undated interview published on wwwclassibandscom.

* As the &quot;The Times&quot; correspondent reminds him of Elvis Presley, he pauses, then reconsiders, &quot;Oh yes, I think he was a fantastic artist and the best in his field. Absolutely.
** Spanish tenor [[w:Jose Carreras|Jose Carreras]], in an interview for the Times in which he had suggested that no pop singer can take on classical music, except perhaps for Elvis

* i) Guess who celebrated their 40th birthday today?” Elvis Presley. He is now wearing orthopedic blue suede shoes He looks very young, though, but I hear he got an orthopedic, I mean he got a surgical hip lift...he is only allowed to swivel now in the presence of a registered nurse. That's what the nurse told me and ii) If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead
** NBC TV's [[w:Johnny Carson|Johnny Carson]], as taken from his monologues as broadcast on the Tonight Show, at NBC, on Jan. 8, 1975 and March 21, 1991, respectively.

* I listen to a lot of Elvis Presley. He is one of my favorite musicians of all time.
** Singer [[w:Sofia Carson|Sofia Carson]]'s answer to Parade as to who does she listens to the most on her iPod, as published on November 25th, 2016

* Elvis Presley's death deprives our country of a part of itself. He was unique, irreplaceable. More than twenty years ago, he burst upon the scene with an impact that was unprecedented and will probably never be equaled. His music and his personality, fusing the styles of white country and black rhythm and blues, permanently changed the face of American popular culture. His following was immense. And he was a symbol to people the world over of the vitality, rebelliousness and good humor of this country.”
** President [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]]' official statement following Elvis' death, as reprinted by graceland.com

* He had a thing like sort of a quiet charisma because certain people have this confidence. And I am not saying he was Elvis Presley, but he ended up doing a sketch where he's kind of doing an Elvis type singer and did it so well.
** [[w:Dana Carvey|Dana Carvey]] recalling hockey icon [[w:Wayne Gretzky|Wayne Gretzky]]'s only appearance on Saturday Night Live, in 1989, which he hosted as well, in a segment entitled &quot;Waikiki Hockey&quot;, a parody of Elvis movies, where Gretzky plays a busboy who enters a Hawaiian ice hockey tournament to impress a girl, as noted in an article entitled An Oral History Of The Time Wayne Gretzky Hosted SNL, as published on the Aug 29, 2019 edition of Forbes

* I don't know if I'd be in any hurry to do another research-intensive project. I found that out the hard way when I tried jumping into another one — during the final stages of production on ̊&quot;Jesusfreak&quot; — that dealt with the last few weeks of Elvis Presley's life. It seemed quite fitting to go from Jesus to Elvis...
** [[w:Joe Casey|Joe Casey]], in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter and describing why he felt his comic book, graphic novel entitled &quot;Jesusfreak&quot; should be bookended by the lives of Jesus and Elvis, as published on their March 18, 2019 edition

* That night at the &quot;Eagle's Nest&quot;, I remember, he was playing a (1942) D-18 Martin acoustic guitar and he was dressed in the latest teen fashion, but the thing I really noticed though, was his guitar playing. Elvis was a fabulous rhythm player. He'd start into &quot;That’s All Right&quot;, with his own guitar, alone, and you didn't want to hear anything else.
** {{w|Johnny Cash}}, in &quot;Cash, the autobiography&quot;, recalling the first time he saw Presley perform, at the &quot;Eagles Nest&quot;, in Memphis (1954)

* Hey Elvis, how's Vegas?
** {{w|David Cassidy}}'s sarcastic reaction to someone at the other end of the phone who wanted to talk to him and had introduced himself as Elvis Presley. In fact, it was indeed Presley, in 1974, asking Cassidy, whom he had never met, whether his then 6 year old daughter Lisa Marie, a huge fan of David, could get the chance to meet him, which she did, on the next day, as noted in the book Elvis Presley: The Man. The Life. The Legend.

* We are seeing disruption, and it is freaking out the news media and the old establishment in Washington, Its like watching Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan Show.
** {{w|Alex Castellanos}}, Cuban American Republican strategist, speaking about the situation after the US 2016 election at an ABC Sunday News Powerhouse Roundtable hosted by George Stephanopoulos and broadcast on December 4, 2016.

* At 4225 Beach Drive SW, stands the Chambliss House, a bright blue home on the Puget Sound with a plaque above the doorway that states &quot;Elvis Presley Slept Here, May 18, 1962.&quot; The plaque speaks the truth, according to Alan Chambliss, building owner and 30-year resident. He wasn't around to witness Elvis, but tells the story like it happened yesterday. About 15 years ago, Chambliss noticed a man and woman filming his house. Wondering what the fuss was about, he asked them what they were doing. Their father, dying of cancer lived in the upstairs apartment years before and loved it so much the family wanted to document it as part of a remembrance video. While making their keepsake, the family mentioned that the dying man was Elvis Presley's army buddy and that Elvis once spent the night in the upstairs apartment. As proof of their story, they showed Chambliss pictures of their father with the music legend. Elvis and his chum kept in touch throughout the years. In 1962, Elvis came to Seattle to film &quot;It Happened at the World's Fair&quot; and the friend picked him up from Sea-Tac and drove him to the house on Beach Drive. &quot;He didn’t expect to stay the night at first,&quot; Chambliss says. Perhaps the Rock-and-Roll Legend was a sucker for water views Chambliss let the dying man's family film the upstairs apartment. About three weeks later he received the plaque, now mounted above the doorway, along with a thank you note for being so welcoming.
** As told by tenant {{w|Bob Castonguay}}, who now rents the upstairs apartment that Elvis slept in, as published in the West Seattle Herald

* Many of our vagabonds, the sons of the burgoise, can be seen gallivanting around with their tight trousers, some of them with a guitar heralding Elvis Presley attitudes which lead them to erroneously believe they will be able to freely attend rallies where they can lobby their gay and effeminate ways. But we will not allow such degenerate feelings.
** [[w:Fidel Castro|Fidel Castro]] in a speech delivered in front of 100,000 at the steps of the University of Havana on 13 March 1963, the day that signaled the last nail on the coffin of rock music as an art form in Cuba, until at least the first decade of the 21sty Century.

* Elvis had a center of gravity that was low, but also set back and deep; his sexiest moves – legs lolling back and forth, smooth like jelly, hips rolling and tossing everywhere – were performed as if there were a paperweight on a string tied around his waist, and hung from his lower back; with his own weight adjusted to the back, he could free one leg to twist, pop, and jerk while maintaining perfect balance; Elvis' glory was in the shifting of his weight; when he gets going fast, the force of the shifts make his shoulders jerk so hard he looks like he is being electrocuted.
** New York Sun columnist Pia Catton, explaining the reasons for Elvis' star quality, as a stage performer, (16 August 2007)

* You can't be both Elvis Presley and Miles Davis&quot;, I once said to him. But then when someone recently asked me what his dreams were when he was young he answer to me was that he wanted to be Elvis&quot;.
** American entertainment producer and business owner {{w|Bob Cavallo}}, former manager of Prince, explaining his client's longings, as published by both the Texas Public Radio's online page on Saturday, December 6, 2014 and by the Examiner, on April 26, 2016.

* I was very moved by your letter. I’m sure your dad would have been very happy with his Elvis-themed funeral. Thinking about it, I would be very happy with one too — to be ushered into the next world by the voice of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll singer of them all. Kentucky Rain, that’s what I’d like, Kentucky Rain and How Great Thou Art — Elvis singing gospel, with heaven and all its angels listening. It was a lovely thing to do for your dad. Sounds like you did a great job.'
** {{w|Nick Cave}}, when asked what songs would he like played at his funeral,as part of the Red Hand Files series and as published in its 19 August 2021 editio

* One day I was nervous and struggling with one scene that stretched into about 30 takes, and I could see the director was getting frustrated,so I started stuttering. Then Elvis said, 'That's it, it's a wrap, the little lady and I are going to have something to eat&quot;, so he took me to dinner and the next day I nailed the scene immediately. At that early age, I didn't understand the magnitude of his fame and popularity, but he was a true gentleman...
** {{w|Vicky Cayetano}}, Philippine born child actress who at age 6 starred with Elvis in &quot;It happened at the World's fair&quot; and later became the First Lady of Hawaii, following her marriage to Governor Ben Cayetano (D).

* There was a crowd gathered in one corner of the PX store and the rest of it seemed deserted, though the parking lot was filled with Jeeps, so I asked what was going on and they said that Elvis Presley was over there. I thought to myself, well, that's interesting, and I went about my business, got what I had come for, then went out to my jeep to kill time for awhile. Some time later, I noticed that Elvis was walking out of the store directly toward me. His Jeep was parked right next to mine. So we hung out and talked for 45 minutes. I asked someone to shoot a photo, but I never got a print. I also asked for his autograph, which I sent home to the daughter of one of my store managers who was a fan. He was just the nicest guy you could meet, an ordinary guy, with one exception, and that was that he was even better looking than he was in pictures LOL.
** [[w:Rochester Products Division|Gus A. Chafoulias]], Chairman of Titan and of GM Rochester, who served in the US Army with Elvis in Germany, in an article entitled &quot;Business Person of the Year: Chafoulias, at 80, has no plans to slow down&quot;, as published on the March 8, 2019 edition of the Minnesota Post Bulletin.

* I've always loved Elvis, how he entertained, how he performed, so that's where I try and take inspiration from
** Jake Chamberlain, discussing &quot;Miss Trouble&quot;, his first album in an interview with Amanda Hill and as published in the Standard Journal's online edition of March 13, 2015.

* Obviously after the Elvis concert, I said how can this any better? It was mid August of 1969. The year after, Bill Medley played the smaller lounge, and since I had been in high school a fan of the Righteous Brothers, I went with my girlfriend to see him, sat down in one of those half moon booths. So, in the middle of Bill's concert, I noticed the entire room, about 500 people, all stand up so I turn around and watch as Elvis walks down the aisle towards the stage. He had not even been introduced, and by a struck of luck, sat next to me and my girlfriend at the booth, So I rushed outside to see if I could get a pen, to get his autograph, which I did. When I came back, with paper and pen in hand, I waited until Bill stopped singing, and I then asked Elvis to sing an autograph. To my amazement, he instead started talking to me as if he and I were friends our entire lives, and when I told him I was a music major, he asked me about my courses at the University of Las Vegas. Unbeknownst to Elvis and I, Bill and the entire audience remained silent during our conversation, looking at us, for a full five minutes.LOL. So, finally, he signs the autograph, shakes my hand, and says &quot; Stay in school&quot;. The impression of him being who he was, and of talking to a man who had changed the world, was amazing, but more than anything I will cherish how he treated me....
** Christopher Chandlers's laud of Elvis Presley, on the 81st anniversary of Elvis birth, January 8, 2017 (YouTube)

* In a &quot;Family Guy&quot; parody of Rocky VI, Rocky goes to fight a boxing match on Mars. Even though there's no oxygen, he's not afraid of fighting an alien on another planet. Is there anything that would put fear into either Sly Stallone or Rocky Balboa? The answer is Elvis Presley. Since Elvis couldn't just go to- /a th02e/atr2e do-w them theatre down the block, he invited Sly to come down to Graceland with a copy of the film and do a private screening. Stallone was too intimidated and instead just sent a copy, which Elvis watched with friends and enjoyed
**Chris Chan Roberson, in an article entitled &quot;On the sly&quot;, published at CBR.com on October 8, 2018.

* Charlie was always aware of the public. While at the Manoir in the 1950's, a friend visited him and brought him a record of a new singer called Elvis Presley. Charlie hadn't heard of him. &quot;This man has made a sensation in the States,&quot; his friend said. &quot;I can't understand it. He wiggles his hips and sings and people go mad.&quot; &quot;If he's made such an impact,&quot; Charlie replied, &quot;he must have something. You can't fool the public.&quot; --
** [[w:Charles Chaplin|Charles Chaplin]]' in his biography by Jerry Epstein

* I am so glad, if I may say so,   that these impersonators are still alive and kicking and keeping Elvis Presley's memory alive...
** [[w:Charles, Prince of Wales|Charles, Prince of Wales]]'s final comment after watching an Elvis impersonator entertain him,  as well as his wife,   [[w:Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall|Camilla]], along with several  disadvantaged children from the Helen &amp; Douglas House Hospice and the London Taxidriver's Fund  whom she had  invited to decorate  her Christmas Tree at [[w:Clarence House|Clarence House]], in December of  2015.  

* Jerry Quarry and I got married right before his August 31, 1973 2nd round KO of James J. Woody, at the Las Vegas Convention Center. And, after that, we to see Elvis in concert at the Las Vegas Hilton. In fact, Jerry's mom was with us and she loved Elvis. Once there, his mom asked Red West backstage if she could have a scarf for Elvis to sign. Some time later, Red handed her a scarf but when Elvis recognised me, he threw me up in the air and said, ‘Hi kid how are you doing?’ It was so cute, such a fabulous feeling. Then he looked at Jerry and said: “Listen, you’d better treat this girl good. I know her and if you don’t, I’m gonna kick your butt!” to which Jerry said “Yes sir! Yes sir! LOL. But then, suddenly, Jerry's mom threw the scarf back in my face. When I asked her why she had done that, she said “Look at this.....He signed this to you, not to me...
** Arlene Charles, recalling the hilarious time when Elvis, with whom she had worked seven years earlier in &quot;Spinout&quot;, finally got to meet her husband, heavyweight boxer [[w:Jerry Quarry|Jerry Quarry]] as well as her mother in law, both of whom had been huge Elvis fans, as noted in the Express's July 14, 2020 edition.

* i) Ummm, OK. Here was a white kid that could rock and roll, made a lot of people listen to songs that they would not have listened to, rhythm and blues, or whatever you want to call it, and the girls would swoon over him. I dont want to talk more about Elvis because I am gonna lose one third of my fans LOL   ii) I wasn't knocking Elvis. He did a lot for the music industry and  particularly for the black music industry. 
** [[w:Ray Charles|Ray Charles]]'s answer on whether Elvis was talented, as told in a 1994 interview with [[w:Bob Costas|Bob Costas]]  ii) interview with Vancouver's  [[w:The Province|The Province]], in which he clarifies that his views on Elvis, as stated in the Costas interview,   were  strictly related to Elvis   being called The King, as published in their February 1, 1995 edition.   

* I've always been a big Elvis fan, so the idea of taking this classic and splattering it with some signature INK bloodshed struck me as a match made in hell...
** Spencer Charnas, frontman for [[w:Ice Nine Kills|Ice Nine Kills]], in reference to their 2021 haunting cover of &quot;Can't help falling in love&quot;, as published by Livewire's February 11, 2021 edition.

* He looked like a prince from another planet, narrow-eyed, with high Indian cheek bones and a smooth brown skin untouched by his 37 years. When Elvis started to work with the mike, his right hand flailing air, his left leg moving as though it had a life of its own, time stopped, and everyone in the place was 17 again. It was a lesson in dominance; we had just seen the comic who couldn't control anybody, not even himself, and that had got us nervous; now Elvis made it all right again.Elvis used the stage, he worked to the people. The ones in front, in the best seats, the ones in back, and up in the peanut galleries. He turned, he moved, and when a girl threw a handkerchief on the stage, he wiped his forehead with it and threw it back, a gift of sweat from an earthy god. Young girls moaned, and stood in their seats trying to dance, and one kid took a giant leap from a loge seat clear to the stage, only to be caught and taken away. A special champion comes along, a {{w|Joe Louis}}, a {{w|Jose Capablanca}}, a {{w|Joe DiMaggio}}, someone in whose hands the way a thing is done becomes more important than the thing itself. When DiMaggio hit a baseball, his grace made the act look easy and inevitable. Friday Night at Madison Square Garden, Elvis was like that. He stood there at the end, his arms stretched out, the great gold cloak giving him wings, a champion, the only one in his class.
** Chris Chase, critic for The New York Times, reviewing Elvis June 9 concert, the first of four back to back he performed there, and on Sunday, June 11, 1972

* His lips show my patients where it should be plump and where it should not. If I put filler in the wrong places, it would cause a fish-hook unnatural look. Elvis' lips help me to illustrate where ut  should be thicker and where the natural curve should be maintained. I have this picture in all the rooms. 
**-Dr. Bradley Chastant,  MD, FACS, board-certified facial plastic surgeon at the {{w|Ochsner Health System}} in an article entitled &quot;Elvis Presley, Helping to Change the Way Women Look in Acadiania&quot;, as published in 99,9KTDY's June 18, 2022 edition. 

* He as such a nice person, when I found out he died, I really was saddened
** {{w|Chubby Checker}}, recalling the time he found out about his death

* Take me, take me...
** Eight year old [[w:Mary Jo Chelette|Judy Chelette]]'s retort to the then 20 year old Elvis after witnessing first hand her much older sister Mary Jo Chelette's decline of an invitation from Elvis for the two of them to go out on a date, this taking place on the night of 25 November 1955 and as noted in a eulogy for Judy by writer Ken Stickney published in the Port Arthur News' November 2, 2018 edition.

* The first concert I attended was an Elvis concert at Oakland when I was eleven. Even at that age he made me realize the tremendous effect a performer could have on an audience.
** [[w:Cher|Cher]], as published in www.graceland.com

* The series of Warhol inspired works by Russian artists was not done especially for this exhibition, but when the Moscow curator Andrei Yerofeyev heard about them, he did everything in his power to include the works in the show and catalog. The show ends with two black and white canvases facing each other from opposite walls with space for exhibition visitors in between them. On one wall is Elvis Presley dressed as a cowboy pointing a gun at the visitors. Across from him are executioners of the NKVD with red stars on their caps shooting back.....
** Peter Cheremushkin of [[w:Moscow Times|The Moscow Times]]'s , review of the first massive Andy Warhol exhibition at the Sevkabel Port, in St. Petersburg and entitled &quot;Russian Artists Take Andy Warhol's Pop Art Vision and Run With It&quot;, as published in the Moscow Times' July 2, 2021 editon.

* I was in the studio, and they were mixing it over at Little Victor. I probably shouldn’t tell this, but I’m gonna tell you the truth. I was a publisher also, and I had published all of these songs. We shipped to all of the little stations, and the record label would ship to all of the big stations.  I’m thinking, ‘Man, we’re gonna have to ship every one of these things, and I’ve got to get it to these little stations. If they start playing it on the big stations first, then these DJs are going to be mad at me. I’m thinking about all the stuff that I’ve got to do as far as work on this thing, and dreading it. Then all of a sudden I thought: ‘Here I’ve got a single by [Elvis] coming out. This is the greatest thing you could have happen, and I’m sitting here dreading it. It’s time for me to get out of this business...LOL.
** [[w:Jerry Chesnut|Jerry Chesnut]], discussing the process of the release of Elvis'1975 single &quot;T.R.O.U.B.L.E, which he had written and was in charge of distributing, as told in a 2014 interview with the Tennessean 

* And the singer explodes, no longer laying back, now letting it fly. It is a raw, ragged sound, but the singer is so far into the moment that he doesn't care, and neither does anyone else. &quot;When I read your lovin' letter, my heart began to sink,&quot; he roars with ache and ardor in his voice. &quot;There's a million miles between us, but they didn't mean a thing.&quot; This glorious minute of &quot;Trying to Get to You&quot; is from Elvis Presley's 1968 television comeback special, one of 77 previously unreleased performances collected on a new four-CD box set, &quot;Platinum: A Life in Music&quot; (RCA). It affirms that 20 years after his death on Aug. 16, 1977, after countless books, albums, tabloid stories, imitators and Graceland tours have wrung seemingly every drop of mystery from his legacy, there remains plenty to learn about Presley. Or, perhaps more precisely, relearn. For in the last 20 years, the essential truth about Presley has been lost. But the truth of his 23 years of public music making is this: He was the most quintessentially American of singers, an artist who drew no boundaries between Saturday night blues and Sunday morning gospel, middle-of-the-road schmaltz and dirt-road hillbilly country. And he could swing a tune like nobody's business. More than anything else, those two factors--his openness to just about any kind of music and his ability to personalize that music with his unique feel for rhythm--are why Presley mattered, and still matters.
** The Chicago Tribune's review of Platinum, published on August 3rd, 1997

* Having had the opportunity to work with these recordings, I am now more convinced than ever that Elvis Presley was the most passionate vocalist this world has known.
** [[w:Andy Childs|Andy Childs]], US country music singer-songwriter, writing on the liner notes for the album &quot;Where no one stands alone&quot;, released in 2018.

* Recorded at the Beatles' old Abbey Road Studios, it offers one more chance to enjoy Presley's voice in a different context, deliciously backed by a world-class orchestra geared toward the nuances of his delivery. It's a new twist on a very familiar, and treasured, body of work. This one is a tried and true concept, basically a variation on last year's quite successful posthumous pairing of Presley with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, but the fact that it's been done once before doesn't diminish the pleasure. There are few surprises, but it's a reminder of Presley's range and vocal dexterity. The orchestral style suits Elvis well: taken out of the rock and roll context, there is no need for his swagger or his snarl, as the orchestra is restrained and understated, allowing Presley's vocals alone to carry the day. The orchestral format also gives rise to &quot;live&quot; concerts with Elvis singing on screen while the Royal Philharmonic performs. A series of six British shows in major arenas this fall is expected to draw thousands of the faithful — the number doesn't seem to be dwindling, even 39 years after his death in a country, the UK, where he never performed.
** The China Post's review of the album The Wonder of You, as published on 21 October 2016.

* Personally, I resent the ‘shouldn’t do that’ attitude of many guardians and reformers who want to straighten out the younger generation. I am young and don't doubt that I need a great deal of correcting, but when we stop listening to Elvis, stop reading comics, stop doing this, and stop doing that, what are we going to do then? In short, what have you older folks provided for us in the way of wholesome entertainment? Until you older folks can provide something in this line, I would appreciate it if you leave our literature, music, and Elvis alone.
** Harry Chinnis, in an letter to the Editor of Charleston's [[w:Post and Courier|Post and Courier]], in regards to another letter to the Editor dated July 3, 1956, in which a man by the name of W.A Morris (kindly see his letter, under the last name Morris, below) had stted that it would probably would require a hurricane to de-contaminate the entire estate of South Carolina properly after Presley's appearance on June 28, 1956.

* One year I met President Eisenhower, Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra and thought I had met all the important people in the world.,.
** [[w:The Chordettes|The Chordettes]]̼'s baritone singer, Carol Buschmann in an article published on December 17, 2018 by the USA Today Network and entitled 'Bring me a dream': Remembering Wisconsin's famed Chordettes

* We haven't been the same since Elvis. He defined an era, he was America, the fresh young outsider who shook up the system, the shining star with clay feet and the dissipated innocent who could not understand what he had become. That is the stuff of legends.
** Sandra Choron and Bob Oskam, in the introduction to their book ̊&quot;The 328 best (and worse) things ever said about Elvis Presley&quot; published in 1991 by [[w:Kensington Books|Citadel Press]]̼ Books.

* i) Then, in mid 1968 he taped a television special in a black leather suit, in front of a select live audience, opening with &quot;Guitar Man&quot; and closing with a mild social-conscience song, '''&quot;If I Can Dream&quot;.''' But it wasn't until Greil Marcus brought out the recording of that performance for me, almost three years later, that I realized how significant it had been. Marcus has spent as much time listening as anyone who is liable to be objective, and he believes Elvis may have made the best music of his life that crucial comeback night. It's so easy to forget that Elvis was, or is, a great singer. Any account of his impact that omits that fundamental fact amounts to a dismissal. ii) Elvis made a great many major recordings, and no matter what jaded undergraduates think, few rock and rollers of any era have moved with such salacious insouciance. But it's my best guess that rocking or romantic, young or old, thin or fat, innocent or decadent, inspired or automatic, Elvis touches the millions he touches most deeply with that ineffable chestnut, the grain of his voice; from the pure possibility of &quot;Mystery Train&quot; and &quot;Love Me Tender&quot;, to the schlock passion of &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;, no singer has ever duplicated his aura of unguarded self-acceptance. The very refusal of sophistication that renders him unlistenable to Sinatraphiles is what his faithful love most about him. (In fact), listeners with looser standards in cultural articulation have a clearer pipeline to the meanings that voice might hold.
** i) Rock critic Robert Christgau, from his article entitled, &quot;The King and I&quot;, as published in www.robertchristgau.com and ii) in his 1973 book &quot;Any old way you choose&quot;

* It's called 'Love Song of the Year' and it's on the 'Promised Land' album, When I met Elvis, he leaned over and said, &quot;How do you like what I did with your song?&quot;.Not one single artist who used my songs ever did something like that, but Elvis did.
**[[w:Chris Christian|Chris Christian]] as noted in an interview with Newswest 9, and published on their February 23,2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley is widely regarded as the most significant global cultural icon of the 20th century.
** Auction house [[w:Christie's|Christie's]]'s laud of Elvis, as presented to bidders prior to the auction held in their NYC office on 17 May, 2018, and which later translated into an Andy Warhol's &quot;Double Elvis&quot; being sold, for the second time in 6 years, for another US̩37,000,000.

* Elvis was a brilliant artist. As a musicologist — and I consider myself one — there was always a great deal of respect for Elvis, especially during his Sun sessions. As a black people, we all knew that. (In fact), [[Eminem]] is the new Elvis because, number one, he had the respect for black music that Elvis had.
** [[w:Chuck D|Chuck D]] explaining how his feelings for Elvis' legacy are much more complicated than it was suggested by the lyrics in his song, &quot;Fight The Power&quot;, which was written 12 years earlier (published following an interview with the Associated Press in connection with the 25th Anniversary of Presley's death)

* I came late to the Elvis party. I never grabbed on to his shooting star in the ascendancy of his career. I was more into groups. And then a strange thing happened. Either Elvis changed or I did. Almost two decades ago, I began my oldies show on Thursday nights on WSRK in Oneonta and this is where I had the epiphany that Elvis Presley possessed one of the best male singing voices to ever climb the charts. Deep, passionate, powerful, no frills, no twang, no screaming. Classic. In the 1950s, nobody knew what he was. Still, it is the voice. I'm in awe of it and am a little embarrassed that I jumped on the bandwagon so late. But now that I am on it, I'm in the front seat, cheering all the way. Elvis is the King, let nobody doubt it. And if you are still a parade straggler, take my suggestion. Find yourself a copy of “An American Trilogy” (1972). It was recorded live before a sellout crowd at Madison Square Garden. This is Elvis' magnum opus. As he slides from “Dixie” to the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” you will be swept away. The orchestra provides the fanfare, the urban sounds of the background singers will mesmerize you and Elvis' vocals will lift you up. This one performance can actually be transformative. It is powerful yet sensitive, subtle yet bombastic. I don't know how, but it all works. And his voice was never better than on this song. “American Trilogy” is a Master Class. By a truly great artist.
** [[w:Big Chuck|Big Chuck]], radio personality, WSRK in Oneonta. NY, as published in the Daily Star, on January 12, 2015.

* From 1952 to 1980, we called it the industrialization generation. From 1980 to 2000, it was the democratization generation. Post-2000 we call it the millennial generation. I came of age in the 1980s and I have been very much influenced by American culture. In fact, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley were the biggest stars for the Korean people.
** {{w|Phillip Chun}}, Chairman of the Paradise Group, a market-leading integrated resort (IR) developer currently building Korea's first IR near the international airport in Incheon at a cost of more than $1 billion, in an article published on September 19, 2016 on the Worldfolio.

* When we visited Blenheim Palace, as Oxford University's Class of 1979 for post graduate diplomatc studies, the man who acted as Cicerone for us was Oxonian Godfrey Davis. As we got closer to the end of the tour, we approched a cardboard removable visual timeline where the largest photo was that of Sgt Elvis Presley. Questioned as to why was this so, Davis explained Sir Winston had come to like Elvis as a result of listening to &quot;It''s now ot never&quot; and &quot;Surrender...
** About Sir {{w|Winston Churchill}} 's liking of Elvis Presley, as told to members of the Foreign Service Programme by Godfrey Davis, the translator of the Magna Carta, during a tour of Blenheim Palace in the winter of 1979.

* Elvis Presley has had an unprecedented and lasting global impact on music and pop culture  {{w|Jody Gerson}} and I, along with the Universal Music Publishing Group teams around the world,   couldn’t be more excited and honoured to work with the {{w|Authentic Brands Group}} in making sure that Elvis’ iconic legacy endures for generations to come.
** Marc Cimino, Chief Operating Officer at  {{w|Universal Music Publishing Group}} on the acquisition of Elvis catalog, as reported by PRNewswire  on 13 April, 2022. 

* Who the hell's limousine is that?” That was Elvis Presley’s reaction to the sight of a long, black limo parked in front of the General Cinema in Memphis–one of Elvis’s favorite spots for personal midnight movie screenings. The limo happened to belong to me. In fact I had made a pilgrimage to meet him, at the special request of Jerry Schilling, one of Elvis’s entourage. “I think it’s probably Eric’s!, Schilling later told me how he answered Elvis question. Now, inside the theatre, the chance for a great summit meeting seemed to diminish when Elvis walked in and saw me and Pattie Harrison (George’s ex), sitting about 12th row center--right in Elvis’s seats. There was some tension, until Schilling made the introductions, and right away I made it really clear how much respect I had for him. Seeing that, he relaxed and turned into a charming host, and we fell into a really nice, friendly conversation.
** [[w:Eric Clapton|Eric Clapton]] in an article published in EC MUsic News, dated December 27, 2010.

* It’s rare when an artist’s talent can touch an entire generation of people. It’s even rarer when that same influence affects several generations. Elvis made an imprint on the world of pop music unequaled by any other single performer.”
** [[w:Dick Clark|Dick Clark]], as published in [http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html Elvis.net]

* I was lucky to be 12 years old when rock ‘n’ roll really busted out. I saw Elvis in Tulsa at the Fairground on his first big tour and all the girls screaming. I couldn't hear for days after that. He came out and did a half an hour without stopping. It was just amazing
** US Photographer [[w:Larry Clark|Larry Clark]], recalling for Andy Warhol's Interview the time when as a 12 year old he saw Presley perform in April of 1956, and published on November 9, 2010

*I met him in 1969 with Karen Carpenter, neither of us had ever met him before, so we went so see him perform at a show in Las Vegas. He was on great form and then we were invited back to his dressing room and, well, he was flirting with us. In the end I got us out of there and that really amused Elvis and when I saw him again after that we both had a good laugh about it.
** [[w:Petula Clark|Petula Clark]], her meeting Elvis, as noted in petula-clark-on-meeting-legends-of-stage-and-screen-13004/#ZUtve4JAGDc7XYvu.99

* Taking ownership in the wrong way (Michael Bolton trying to out-soul Percy Sledge in “When a Man Loves a Woman”) can lead to accusations of cultural appropriation — a nice euphemism for stealing. It's complicated. Pat Boone did sound like he was ripping off Little Richard with “Tutti Frutti.” But Elvis, to me (and to James Brown), sounded like he was delivering the goods&quot;.
**{{w|Roy Peter Clark}} US editor, and teacher of writing in an article published on Pointer on August 16, 2018.

* The first time I heard Elvis was via the western movie &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; in 1956 or ’57. I was a cowboy nut. &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; was also the first time I came up against female hysteria. I haven’t got a homosexual bone in my body but that is the most handsome man that ever lived, without a doubt. You can’t take your eyes off him. Also, to have a voice like that. Incredible. Charisma ain’t a big enough word for it. I get asked if punk was a rejection of Elvis and his style of rock ’n’ roll. But people who have a go at Elvis just miss the point. Elvis would shoot at the TV, and if something was on that he didn’t like the look of, it was the Colt 45. Elvis out‑punked everything. He wrote the book on punk. I never saw punk rock as being a rebellion against Elvis Presley, otherwise I wouldn’t have done gigs with bands like &quot;The Clash&quot; and &quot;the Sex Pistols&quot;.I’ve never been to Graceland, but before the pandemic my plan was to honour this. I had a full tour sheet stretching into next year and I thought, “As soon as we get these gigs out of the way, me and my wife are going to go on the holiday of a lifetime.” I was going to get an open-ended rail ticket from Grand Central Station in New York finishing at Graceland. Every August, on the anniversary of Elvis’s death, I write something about him. So I’ve got books and books and books of poetry and stuff around Elvis… The man who didn’t love Elvis is not as other men. He is condemned to miss the point time and time again.” Elvis, he’s the king of the world.”
** Punk rocker [[w:John Cooper Clarke|John Cooper Clarke]] on the October 14, 2021 edition of the Financial Tiomes.

* Prince had great respect for Elvis, the Bar Keys, Al Green and the influence on the music world from the Memphis' sound.
**  Norman Connors, African American music producer and University of Memphis professor whose spouse, R&amp;B singer [[w:Cherrelle|Cherrelle]] is Prince's cousin, in an interview  from WREG News Channel 3 Memphis.

* &quot;It's Now Or Never&quot; from &quot;O Sole Mio&quot;, &quot;Surrender&quot; from Torna A Sorrento&quot;, &quot;Tonight Is So Right For Love&quot; from &quot;Bacarolle and The Tales of Hoffman&quot;, &quot;Today, Tomorrow And Forever&quot;, from &quot;Liebestraume no. 3 in A flat&quot;, &quot;Can't Help Falling In Love&quot; from &quot;Plaisir d'Amour&quot;, &quot;Sleepy Heads&quot; from &quot;Guten Abend, Gut Nacht&quot;, &quot;Also Sprach Zarathustra&quot; by Johann Strauss II, and &quot;Tonight's all Right For Love&quot;, from Strauss &quot;Tales from the Vienna Woods&quot;.
** According to the UK's [[w:Classic FM (UK)|Classical FM]], the 8 times Elvis Presley borrowed from classical music, as published on 14 February 2018

* He was a fantastic Monty Pythom fan. He would watch us, while seated in bed with his wife,and do our sketches while simultaneously having to learn all the dialogue.
** [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]], in an interview with the Nightly Show, recounting what Priscilla Presley once told her friend Barbara Trentham (Cleese's 2nd of 4 wives)

* Very early in his rise to music fame, Elvis once visited the Tennessee Governor's mansion after his manager called ( my father) Governor Frank Clement and said he wanted him to meet Elvis. He told him to bring him out and also invited a group of African American state prison musicians called The Prisonaires. Everyone eventually retired to an upstairs room, where Elvis and the Prisonaires took turns performing numbers. Elvis got so carried away that he stayed until 3 am.He seemed shy, and so soft-spoken.
** Tennessee Congressman [[w:Bob Clement|Bob Clement]]'s recollections of his father, Governor [[w:Frank G. Clement|Frank G. Clement]] on a night in 1957 when he hosted a meeting at the Governor's mansion with Elvis and the R&amp;B group the Prisonaires, as related in the book entitled &quot;Presidents, Kings and Convicts&quot; by the younger Clement, and as published by John Shearer in the Chattanoogan, on March 27, 2017.

*In fact, Dylan's most recent Broward Center concert came just one month after the Nobel announcement, and despite all the public confusion and pearls-clutching over his win, the then 75-year-old artist appeared to be in high spirits, even striking Elvis Presley-inspired poses while leaning on his microphone stand and breaking into bowlegged, broncobuster shuffles during songs that otherwise would seem to reject them..
** Jake Cline, reviewing [[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]'s latest appearance in Ft Lauderdale, FL, in an article published on SouthFlorodacom on August 6, 2018 on

* You know, Bush is always comparing me to Elvis in sort of unflattering ways. I don't think Bush would have liked Elvis very much, and that's just another thing that's wrong with him. He was the first and the best, and is my favorite of all time.
**[[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]], during the 1992 presidential campaign, obviously unaware that Bush was a Presley admirer, and had in fact met him at the 1971 Jaycees ceremony, during his time as US Ambassador to the United Nations.

* No element of the South's culture has had more influence on the culture of the U.S. and other nations than its music. While the ballads and fiddle tunes brought by British settlers provided the foundation for what would become country music, the work songs and field hollers that were a vital part of the slaves' African heritage formed the basis of the blues. These musical forms did not always respect the South's racial divisions. There was more interaction than many realized as both the blues and country music grew more commercialized and, as members of both races left the farm in droves, more urbanized as well. When local radio stations and recording studios in cities like Memphis and New Orleans began to feature the work of both black and white performers after World War II, the closer contact and familiarity bred the revolutionary new sound that would become &quot;rock 'n roll.&quot; Elvis Presley quickly won an enormous youthful following as a white singer who sounded &quot;black,&quot; but if he succeeded by borrowing heavily from black stylings, he also helped to open the door to white audiences much wider for a host of black performers ranging from Little Richard to Chuck Berry.
** Author James C. Cobb, in an article entitled History of the South, Abbreviated: The Ol' Bloviator Boils It Down, published in &quot;Flagpole&quot; magazine's 17 February 2016 edition.

* The &quot;Shrine&quot; Auditorium in Los Angeles, was his first California stop, then Long Beach. He's the cat man...
**[[w:Eddie Cochrane|Eddie Cochrane]], who turned to rock after seeing Elvis at a concert at the Sportatorium in Dallas, TX on April 16, 1955, correcting his wife Alice, who had said she had attended Elvis first concert in California, at the Long Beach Arena. The exchange took place in London, during Eddie's last tour there.

* You won't find many books that range from Elvis to Helen Keller to Sir Isaac Newton that can change your life. This one also could&quot;
** John Cochran, former [[w:ABC New|ABC News]] and White House correspondent, speaking about Dr. E. Gaylon McCollough's memoirs and musings, in an interview with Fox News, Channel 10, on August 29, 2018.

* Sometime in the mid seventies, Elvis befriended a young black woman who was having trouble purchasing a car, struggling as a student in college at the time, so he went into the dealership got the car, then asked her to report to him the next day saying she would get a steady job answering the phones at Graceland (where most of her time was spent doing very little), thereby allowing for her to both have a place to study and focus on her school work and grades. She was ONLY required to report him every quarter showing him her grades. So not only did he buy a car for her, but he purposely *created* a job for her, where she could receive a steady paycheck while studying.
**{{w|Marion Cocke}}, Elvis' nurse, in an interview for the documentary &quot;Why Elvis&quot;

* Elvis is the greatest blues singer in the world today.
** {{w|Joe Cocker}}, who started his career imitating Elvis under the name Vance Arnold, circa 1961, as noted in about education.com

* The healing power of music isn't just anecdotal and Music &amp; Memory, a nonprofit organization that uses personalized music playlists to help improve the lives of those suffering from Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia, is dedicated to helping patients through the power of song. Along with enabling patients to find renewed meaning and connection by giving them access to music, the organization's work has been effective at reducing the use of anti-psychotic medications and helping manage the behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia, according to a Brown University study. To celebrate the organization's fundraising efforts to provide music and joy to patients nationwide, I wish to share a playlist featuring several of the most popular songs from [[w:Music therapy for Alzheimer's disease|Music &amp; Memory]]'s facilities around the world, including nostalgic favorites from Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra to The Supremes. The latter's &quot;Stop! In the Name of Love&quot; tends to be one that people remember from high school and that makes them happy, according to the San Francisco VA Medical Center. Frank Sinatra's &quot;Theme From New York, New York&quot; is being requested by almost every nursing home in Delaware, bringing joy to many and improving mood and behaviors. Also, as reported bu the states of Wisconsin and Texas, Elvis' &quot;Hound Dog&quot; inspires movement in individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
** Dan Cohen, in an article entitled &quot;Giving Tuesday playlist: songs that help bring joy to Alzheimer’s patients&quot;, as published in {{w|USA Today}}'s November 27, 2018 edition.

* I was relieved that all the stuff we'd been feeling for so long found expression in Presley and in rock in general. I was playing his records all the time to friends when they'd come over. I'd say, 'This guy is a great singer' – and they thought this was some kind of inverse snobbery, but it wasn't. Presley had that special kind of voice which makes your heart go out to a singer. I was a huge fan of Elvis. In fact, I was in town until today and bought a compilation LP of the man. Soon you will hear me sing “Don’t” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight” – but not at the plate. My voice is too deep, with 20,000 cigarettes leading my tone of voice three to four notches down too far.
**[[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]], as told to Bard Oses in an interview published on March 26, 2012 at &quot;Leonard Cohen Jukebox&quot; internet page. )

* Of course, the main harbinger of the homer era was probably Ruth himself. After “Heartbreak Hotel,” no one wanted to be Perry Como. They wanted to be Elvis Presley. After 1920, no one wanted to be Ty Cobb. They wanted to be Babe Ruth. The old game had been about precision, strategy, incremental progress. The new game was about power, the single blast that busts open the piñata.
** Writer [[w:Rich Cohen|Rich Cohen]], as published in the Washington Post on 27 October, 2017 in an article entitled Baseball didn't always love home runs. Here's how they took over the game.

* He treats the song as a private meditation, full of pain and the yearning to believe. Though the lyrics speak of hope, Elvis turns them into a cry, as if reaching for one last sliver of light in engulfing darkness. 'I am alone', he seems to be saying. But maybe, just maybe, we can find someone or something to cling to. In his case, it's God. But each of us, hearing him, reaches for our own salvation; if great art needs nakedness (then), those few minutes of Elvis alone at the piano amount to the most naked performance I've ever witnessed.
** [[w:Nik Cohn|Nik Cohn]], commenting on Elvis Presley's rendition, totally alone at the piano, of &quot;You'll never walk alone&quot;, as witnessed by a full house of 17,500 gathering at the second of his two shows at the Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, NY, on 19 July, 1975, as published on the Guardian's Sunday edition, on January 21, 2007, in an article entitled &quot;The 25 best gigs of all time&quot;.

* Forty one years ago this week, as the BBC's correspondent in Washington DC, I was filming an interview with a lawyer about political corruption when his secretary burst in. 'Oh my God,' she cried, putting her hands to her face. 'Elvis Presley's dead!' Without a word, my cameraman and I packed up and headed to Washington's National Airport. When we landed in Memphis, it was late. Early on the next morning, we were outside Graceland when I was suddenly aware of a very big man next to me. 'Mr Cole,' he said, very firmly, 'I am the Deputy Sheriff of Memphis. I am commanded by the Presley family to invite you to visit with the deceased. He then took me by the elbow eventually ushering me through the doors to a scene I shall never forget. In the hall, a coffin had been placed on trestles. Behind it, in a sombre arc, stood members of the Presley family, including Elvis's ex-wife Priscilla, daughter Lisa Marie, and his father Vernon. One by one, I shook hands with them, extending my arm across the coffin where the greatest singer of the 20th century lay dead at the age of 42. Twenty years later, in 1997, I was telephoned by a BBC producer. He said he was making a programme about cults. He said they looked through all the newspaper, radio and television coverage when Elvis died and were sure that I had been the first person to report that some people were refusing to believe that he was dead. What he didn't ask was how I could know for sure that it was Elvis in the coffin. And of course, I couldn't as I had never seen him in the flesh before that morning. So, when you next read about Elvis Presley being spotted, aged 83, down at the chip shop or on the Moon, you now know who to blame: Me.
** [[w:Michael Cole (public relations)|Michael Cole]], BBC Washington correspondent on the day Elvis died, as told in an interview for the Mail Online and published on August 14, 2018.

* You see through the eyes of [[w:Queen Victoria|Queen Victoria]] how she saw the world. When she was young, she drew ballerinas, opera scenes, melodrama, but when she was older she drew landscapes, children, very domestic, simple things. Also tremendously helpful to me were my own own two personal encounters with Queen Elizabeth II, who in 2015 succeeded her great-great grandmother Victoria, as the longest-reigning British monarch. Our first meeting was at the premiere of Dr. Who, at which time the she told me that to travel through time and space must be fun. I next saw her at a polo match. What was most interesting and helpful was how people responded to her. The Queen's presence, as opposed say, that of Elvis Presley, was a hushed silence followed by calm...
** [[w:Jenna Coleman|Jenna Coleman]], UK actress playing Queen Victoria, as interviewed by Jane Levere for Forbes' January 12, 2019 edition

* This sound is like burnished gold, it shines. In Elvis's voice the ants will hear manifest destiny.
** [[w:Nick Coleman (British writer)|Nick Coleman]], reviewing Elvis' voice in his book &quot;Voices: How a Great Singer Can Change Your Life&quot; , as published by The Guardian on January 14, 2018.

* I accidentally met Elvis in 1967 in Palm Springs, California. I was 15 years old, and had just finished marching in a parade with the high school drill team and band.All of a sudden, one of my pals shrieked, &quot;There's Elvis Presley!&quot; I looked across the street and there he was. My girlfriends and I ran across four lanes of traffic to see him up close. He looked tan, healthy, trim, was very cordial, charming even, to the people who had gathered in the crowd, signing things they handed to him. After several minutes, he thanked everyone and said he needed to go inside to see his dentist, I, being an overly excitable 15-year-old, yelled from the outskirts of the crowd, &quot;Please, Elvis, just one more signature!&quot;He looked over the heads in the crowd, smiled at me, and said, &quot;Okay, just one more.&quot;And he let me through and I stood there, looking up at Elvis Presley.Gobsmacked doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. He asked me what I wanted him to sign and I realized I had nothing. So I said, &quot;Sign my back. I meant the back of my shirt, but he lifted my hair and placed the pen on the back of my neck and started writing. &quot;Sign the back of my shirt.&quot; I said. I could feel the pressure of his pen on my back and as he wrote he spelled out, &quot;T-h-e b-a-c-k o-f m-y s-h-i-r-t&quot; as though he were signing my exact words.I turned around and said, &quot;Is that what you wrote?&quot; And he gave me that curled-lip grin and said, &quot;No, honey, I wrote my name.&quot; And he went inside the dentist's office...
** Colleen Collins, award winning author and writer of dozens of novels published by [[w:Harlequin Enterprises|Harlequin Enterprises]], on the day she met Elvis, as published in her webstite's August 16, 2017 edition.

* Run by controversial ex-Lotus boss, [[w:Dany Bahar|Dany Bahar]], and based on the Lamborghini Huracan, the Project Panther is designed to be a modern interpretation of the DeTomaso Pantera. Produced between 1971 and 1992, the Pantera was initially powered by a Ford V8 engine making around 250kW of power, before later models pushed that figure closer to 265kW. But the car isn't famous for its engine, nor its rakish good looks. Instead, it's best known as the car Elvis Presley shot. He bought a Pantera for then-girlfriend Linda Thompson. After a fight, he tried to leave in a blaze of V8-powered burnout smoke but the car refused to start. So rather than giving it the last laugh, Presley whipped out his revolver and fired three shots, leaving two holes in the steering wheel and one in the floor. As far as we can tell, there are no bullet holes in Bahar's modern re-interpretation....
** [[w:Scott Collie|Scott Collie]], reviewing the Project Panther car for Caradvice on December 17, 2017

*I've come up under people that were before me that inspired me: Elvis Presley, Little Richard, you name it from back in the day, Jimi Hendrix, Sly Stone. All these cats had not only music, but they had expressions in what they wore.&quot;
** {{w|Bootsy Collins}} African American musicians in a 2001 interview with Tom Murphy as published on the West Word Music

* Elvis Presley did more to change the course of popular music and youth culture than any other entertainer in the twentieth century, beginning with his meeting Sam Phillips in 1954, at the Sun Records label, in Memphis. In 1956, for Presley's first single at RCA, producer Steve Sholes was adamant that Phillips' sonic treatments be adhered to, as closely as possible. So, in attempting to recreate the Sun echo sound, Sholes relied on the ambiance of RCA's then-cavernous recording studio in Nashville, rather than the tape-delay method; the major problem facing Sholes was Presley's tendency to get carried away with the music and wander away from the microphone; so, rather than spoil the singer's fun, Sholes decided to position three microphones around Presley to capture his quivering voice, no matter where he strayed; the results were breathtaking.
** Columbia University's &quot;History of Record Production&quot; (Part II of syllabus)

* Elvis was danger, and passion and sex, and he broke all those barriers.
** M. Tye Comer, Editor for Billboard, in an interview with Geraldo Rivera for Fox's Rise to Fame, as broadcast on January 8, 2015.

* All the Christians felt Elvis was a sin, so my sister Sarah and I loved Elvis, We obtained an Elvis record, sneaked it into dad's study to listen to it, BUT NOT BEFORE placing a towel across the bottom of the door to muffle the sound. I then obtained an autograph from him while I visited Memphis, which remains one of my treasured possessions.
**{{w|Charles Paul Conn}}, President of Lee University in Cleveland, TN, recalling his younger days in an article published in the Cleveland Daily Banner, on October 21, 2017

* The generosity and public spirited zeal with which you donate your services to the Arizona Memorial Fund are appreciated by all of us in the Navy.
** Secretary of the Navy {{w|John Connally}}'s words, read by Rear Admiral Robert L.Campbell, just prior to Elvis entering the stage to deliver his promise to donate all the proceeds, and more, towards the construction of the Arizona Memorial, on March 25, 1961. The above mentioned contribution, then set at US$64,000, is equivalent after adjustments made for inflation to $517,574, in 2016 dollars.

* The black leather concert from Elvis Presley's 1968 Comeback Special
** Mezzo soprano {{w|Sarah Connally}}'s answer to the question of what would she consider to be her musical guilty pleasure, as published in the Guardian's March 6, 2016 edition.

* About two days after Elvis's 1969 Vegas shows, I was back in New York and went into Albert Grossman's office because I was trying to see Bob Dylan and he managed him. He said that he was in Woodstock. For some reason he suddenly put me on the phone with Dylan and I didn't know what to say to him because I hadn't planned to interview him. I told him I'd just been to see Elvis. From that moment instead of me being a Bob Dylan fan we were both Elvis fans. Dylan asked me precisely, &quot;What did he do? Did he do the Sun stuff? Did he do 'That's All Right, Mama'? Did he do 'Mystery Train'? Who's in the band?&quot; Dylan read the New York Times review but he wanted to know what I thought of it. All these questions. Two days later I'm back in England and I'm on the phone with John Lennon and I get exactly the same questions from him about Elvis. Lennon asked, &quot;How was the show? Did he do any of the Sun numbers? Did he play 'Mystery Train'?&quot; It showed me more than anything that rock stars are basically fans.
** {{w|Ray Connolly}}, UK columnist, novelist, script-writer and interviewer and biographer for both Lennon and Presley, as told to Ken Sharp, of EIN, on January 9,2010

* I met Elvis on a football field. I was trying to get to him and I finally sent him to the floor. That's how we became friends. I like Elvis a lot, he is a legend who just died too young.
** {{w|Robert Conrad}} in an interview with the PM show.

* In Las Vegas, he was a different Elvis, putting on the blitz, the neon signs dared him. In a sense, he codified, encapsulated, permeated, embodied Americana. It was so real in its total artificiality, as Elvis brought it all together and made it work.
** {{w|Tom Constanten}}, keyboardist for the {{w|Grateful Dead}}, as interviewed by the BBC in 2017.

* In the mid fifties, Presley initiated a new phase in the popularizing of African American vocal techniques, combining them with influences from country music to create a unique style full of hiccups, between the beat accents, and striking register shifts, from chest voice baritone to falsetto. First, when writing about the echo effect in his early SUN recordings, Richard Middleton, in his &quot;Studying Popular Music&quot;, says the effect is largely used to intensify star presence, in fact, Presley becomes larger than life. Conversely, as Henry Pleasants noted in his book &quot;The great american Popular singers¨¨, Presley was said to dominate a vocal style appropriate to different generic contexts, thereby developing a vocal multiplicity, a sound for country, a sound for gospel, a sound for ballads and a sound for R&amp;B.
** Continuum Encyclopèdia of Popular Music of the World, Volume II (Performance and Production),section pertaining to relevant vocal techniques in modern music.

* The first thing you think of is his cool charisma, his electric personality, the larger than life thing that all those figures embody. But there’s also that little wide-eyed, innocent, naive country boy that is as much a part of it as anything. Elvis embodied both of those.
** [[w:Mike Cooley (musician)|Mike Cooley]], songwriter, singer, and guitarist from Tuscumbia and a member of the band Drive-By Truckers. talking about Elvis in an installment of the “Birthplace Sessions,” filmed on the front porch of the Presley home in Tupelo, Mississippi.

* Well, I love Elvis Presley.
** CNN anchor [[w:Anderson Cooper|Anderson Cooper]]'s earnest assertion to another CNN reporter who asked him if he (who is not married and in fact is openly gay), wouldn't mind being married by an Elvis impersonator, as reported by CNN and as part of the 2018 New Year's celebration in a live broadcast from Las Vegas.NV.

* i) He was wearing giraffe skin pants and Aladdin shoes and a pair of socks that Elvis gave him ii) Rock has always had religion. After all, it started as gospel music. Elvis Presley knew every gospel song ever made. I'm not an alarmist or nihilist, but the world gets more dangerous every day. I think our natural survival instinct makes us question where we stand with God even if some claim atheism.”
** [[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]'s tale of his visiting his friend, [[w:Salvador Dali|Salvador Dali]], another huge Elvis fan, at the St Regis Hotel, in New York ii) As published in the foreword to Mark Joseph{s newest book on Rock and Religion.

* On his live versions of songs like &quot;How Great Thou Art&quot;(1975),&quot;Unchained Melody&quot;(1976) and &quot;Hurt&quot; (1977), you will be able to hear how high he can go; but, it is essentially on &quot;What Now My Love&quot; (sang live at his &quot;Aloha from Hawaii&quot; global telecast, which reached 1 billion viewers when first aired in 1973), where he goes up three octaves at the end of the song, that you can really hear his true vocal power.
** Cory Cooper, vocal connoisseur, on Presley's vocal range, as published in ALLEXPERTS.com, on 4 February 2005.

* Elvis Presley all the way. He was my hero when I was seven and remains so to this day
** UK poet [[w:John Cooper Clarke|John Cooper Clarke]]'s answer to the question of who his heroes are, as published on the New Statesman magazine's November 7, 2018, edition.

* She was involved in everything we did at the Junior Shop, our ladies' wear store. I remember her working very hard, but one thing that always really stood out for me was when someone would come in needing a dress for a family member who had passed away. She would always say, ‘just take it. Even when some of those people insisted on paying anyway, she would tear up the check right after they walked out the door. She used to have us call the radio station to request Elvis Presley singing ‘How Great Thou Art’ all the time. As her health increasingly declined, I knew there was one last thing I could do for her, so I had it playing when she died.
** Laura Cooper, speaking about the death of her mother Gaynelle Blackmon Nunnelley, a huge Elvis fan, in an article entitled &quot;Remembered for kindness&quot; and as published in the December 25, 2018 edition of Alabama's [[w:Arab, Alabama|Arab Tribune]]

* Since 1962, and the first appearance of Elvis, as silkscreened by Warhol, the face of America changed. The most insistent question posed by the ElvisWarhol series concerns the nature of their specifically charged content, and the viewing of Warhol's imagery not as signs, but as icons dealing with a larger content of culture in America. To a large group of Americans, Presley has long been a folk hero, yet his musical impact has overshadowed his sociological significance. Presley's importance is not simply as a popular entertainer but as a bearer of new verities.
** UK art curator [[w:John Coplans|John Coplans]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as noted in his &quot;Warhol and Elvis&quot;, Studio International, 1971.

* Often I err on the side of being too collaborative. I re-edited &quot;The Outsiders&quot; because Warner Brothers felt it was long, and that was a mistake. My father had also written a soaring, romantic score for it. I wondered if it was the right choice, but I couldn’t say that to him. By the time I recut the movie in 2005 he had passed away, and I balanced the schmaltzy music with more of what the Greasers would have listened to: early Elvis Presley....
** [[w:Francis Ford John Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] in an article published in the Guardian's November 1, 2021 edition and entitled ‘Tom Cruise was an intense kid’: How Francis Ford Coppola made The Outsiders&quot;

* SUN Records founder Sam Phillips was surprised that the then 19 year old Elvis Presley knew bluesmen like Arthur Crudup -- but he had spent his last 6 years immersing himself in the blues and Beale Street, where the music and culture of the black Mississippi Delta had settled. Presley was so &quot;blue&quot; -- and his speech so Deep Southern -- that radio announcers took pains to assure listeners in the still-segregated South that the young singer was white. If you go to Sun Studio today is like to travel in time. At 706 Union Ave., it's still 1954. &quot;You are walking on holy ground,&quot; the guide tells visitors...
** [[w:Christopher Corbett|Christopher Corbett]] writing for the Washington Post, in an article entitled &quot;Sun Worship&quot; as published in their August 2, 1996 edition.

* One day at the MGM lot a round Italian looking guy came into the set. He said something like “I’m one of Elvis’ guys, we are shooting at stage 16 and since Elvis saw “Synanon” and loved it he would like to invite you to lunch.” What did I say? Hell yes! Before I knew it I was in Elvis’ dressing room eating a catered lunch.
** [[w:Alex Cord|Alex Cord]], in reply to numerous of his fans asking him if he ever met Elvis, as quoted from his online page on its October 19, 2013 edition

* We are startled, on the amazing &quot;Blue Moon,&quot;(1954), by his trick of shifting, in a heartbeat, from saloon baritone to pants-too-tight wailing and by his near Hawaiian avoiding of consonants (&quot;Ya-hoo A-know Ah can be fou'/ Sittin' home all alo'&quot;), from &quot;Don't Be Cruel&quot; (1956), a song that comes close to redefining the art of the pop vocal; So, what's left? A terrific crooner who was closer, in intonation, vocal virtuosity and care for a song's mood, to Bing Crosby, than to any top singer of the rock era. Toward the end, he still had it as a Gospel balladeer, the choir-soloist power of the hymn &quot;He Touched Me&quot; (1971) — his voice breaking poignantly at the end of the hymn, as if he had just seen Jesus — still thrills and haunts. So does his desire to please an audience of kids and grandmas, instead of comfortably occupying a niche, as almost every pop star has done since.
** Richard Corliss, TIME magazine`s Music Editor, reviewing the &quot;Platinum&quot;, box-set, as published in the magazine`s January 8, 2003 edition.

* The Danish gave birth to not only Lego. Legends are also top billing in that part of Europe and most deal with Vikings and Norsemen pillaging and plundering — visiting neighbours not in a nice way —. But this boutique nation also houses a big tribute to Elvis Presley. Now, one probably knows about the mermaid statue in Copenhagen harbour and may be surprised to discover how small it is. And yet another may likewise be aware of Hans Christian Andersen, a Dane whose fairy stories, including {{w|The Little Mermaid}}, have delighted young readers and listeners all over the world. Presley's life was another sort of fairytale, all the more so for being cut short. And the legend came in tangible form to a Danish town, thanks to a fan who, as an eight-year-old boy, had heard &quot;Burning love&quot;. On that day in 1973 Henrik Knudsen could not, as the song went, have been lifted any higher so by the time Elvis died in 1977, he was absolutely hooked. In school, his English teacher, who was from East Germany, told him his music was banned in her country. Forbidden? Music? Very interesting. So he got books from the library and found out all he could. For Henrik, the flame of love lasted into adulthood. In 1990 he founded The Official Elvis Presley Fan Club of Denmark and within three years he had gathered truck-fulls of Presleyana to open an exhibition. From there the only way was over the top and into a sizeable building in the town of Randers, about an hour's drive north of Aarhus, Denmark's second city. And then Graceland Randers was born...
** Patrick Cornish, for the {{w|The West Australian}}, in an article published in the Travel section of their December 27, 2018 edition and focusing on how Henrik Knudsen and his extraordinary replica of Graceland, now a big tourist attraction in Denmark, came into being.

* Now Ali is in ring center, dancing around in that robe Elvis Presley gave him at his last fight in Las Vegas, some 6 weeks ago prior to his fight against British Champion Joe Bugner.
** Sportscaster {{w|Howard Cosell}}'s introduction of Muhammad Ali for his first fight against Ken Norton, an event he called for ABC TV' Wide World of Sport's on March 31, 1973

*  Such was his star power, that I would compare him with Elvis Presley
** Joan Coulson, on how much power she noticed,  as a 15 year old,   the future Archbishop and 1984  Nobel Peace Prize Laureate {{w|Desmond Tutu}} seemed   to have over the minds of all South Africans, as reported in the Agence France Press's 30 Dec 2021 edition

* i) When my pop music pals were singing in the mirror pretending to be Elvis Presley, I was pretending to conduct his band. ii)  I was once sitting in my youth in a terrace house listening to him  singing &quot;Hound Dog&quot; so  did I ever think in a million years that The King would one day sing something I had written? No. Sometimes I have to pinch myself about that. I still get tingles when some DJ with excellent taste plays Elvis singing &quot;My Boy&quot;  and I remember when I sat down and wrote those lyrics.””
** {{w|Phil Coulter}}, quoted in i)the Irish Times's October 12, 2019 edition.and ii) at the Newsletter's 14 January 2022 edition. 

* He stood for rock 'n' roll at a time when rock 'n' roll was rebellion, but I think he stood for so many more things than that. He was a southern kid, came from very humble roots, became very popular and very rich and very famous. In this country, that's the American Dream. And that's the Elvis story. What was interesting is that at the outset, Elvis came in through the Country and Western world, signed by RCA in Nashville, not in New York, then went to Pop and soon started to have hits on all three charts, including the R&amp;B chart, and was landing hits everywhere, a fact that totally surprised the music industry. But they were surely delighted to make the money..
** {{w|John Covach}}, Professor and Chair, Department of Music, School of Arts and Sciences at the Eastman School of Music, at the University of Rochester, in an article for the Atlantic, published on January 8, 2016 and during his lecture entitled &quot;Out of Nowhere: The Surprising Emergence of Elvis Presley and The Beatles, available on YouTube since March 7, 2014.

* With all the Led Zeppelin comparisons and stuff – it was very much a hybrid of 1957's 'Jailhouse Rock' by Elvis Presley and the middle piece was inspired by a Jeff Beck Group song called 'Rice Pudding.'
** {{w|David Coverdale}}, Whitesnake's mastermind, discussing the band's staple 1987 hit &quot;Still of the Night,&quot;in an interview with Ultimate Guitar as published on 2 December 2017.

* He was was very funny and had charisma that was bigger than life. I enjoyed our friendship.
** {{w|Ralph Wolfe Cowan}}, the only painter for whom Elvis ever sat, recalling the moments he spent with him, in 1969,as noted in an article published in the January 8, 2010 edition of the Smithsonian magazine.

* Of course everyone is influenced by hearing or seeing the music of the era being performed by the people that made it famous. Take for example Elvis Presley — I think at first glance you see this rock ‘n’ roll god who gets every girl, and then you hear such a beautiful melody and vocal and it completely changes the way you view music. It broadens your mind. Growing up listening to him, I think everything right from the phrasing, the presence on stage has influenced me in some way.
**[[w:Harrison Craig|Harrison Craig]], Australian singer who was runner up in the Voice's 2013 edition, in an interview for news.com.au, published on 9 March, 2017 on the influence the city of Las Vegas and Elvis had on his performing and singing style.

* But let's not be to harsh on Mr.Presley. Doubtless he is doing the best he can. But when the american public shell more than a million dollars in one year to see him, well, let us leave it at that, but maybe this is the Elvis Presley Century.,
** Ed Creagh, for [[w:Troy, Alabama|The Troy Messenger]] in an article entitled &quot;Craig Wonders whether the 20th Century will be known as the Century of Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in The Troy Messenger's Friday Nov. 30, 1956 edition.

* I met Elvis only once and I figure him for a pretty nice guy. And as to music, I really dig his stuff.
** Thomas W Creel, in late 1959, the member of the Army's Company D of the 13th Cavalry stationed in the then West Germany who was selected by Hollywood producer [[w:Hal Wallis|Hal Wallis]] as Elvis's double in the exterior scenes shot on that country for &quot;G.I. Blues&quot; mainly because Wallis felt he looked and walked like him from a distance, as reported in the Army-edited newspaper the [[w:Stars and Stripes (newspaper)|Stars and Stripes]]'s issue of November of 1959.

* It’s difficult to imagine the feeling in this city that has existed in the last few months since he’s actually been here. The impact he has had has gone beyond football, beyond that of Manchester and the Premier League – it’s absolutely incredible. What he did on Wednesday night is exactly what he’s here to do which is to bring magic to the stadium. It’s almost like Elvis Presley is in Manchester, he’s like a god.
** About [[w:Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]'s impact on the city of Manchester as noted by [[w:Gary Neville|Gary Neville]] in an article published in the Daily Star's October 24, 2021 edition.

* It was a question that would occupy biographers, novelists and the public to the end of the century and beyond. It would spawn theories of conspiracies and cover-ups that would range from Hollywood to Washington. The imagery of [[w:Marilyn Monroe|Marilyn Monroe]] would survive to be reinvented and recycled in ways none of us could have imagined in 1962. Yet after 15 years, we might have learned something about that process when the news of Elvis Presley arrived in August 16 1977. I was on vacation that month. If the death of Marilyn seemed sensational, it was sedate compared to Presley's passing, which became a story of crowd control. Now, a good obituary invokes nostalgia in some, curiosity in others and no one could manage both better than my colleague [[w:Charles Kuralt|Charles Kuralt]], but he couldn't peer into the future and see all the peculiar ways in which Presley mania would persist. Almost two months later to that day, the top story on the CBS Evening News was the death of Bing Crosby. Now, he, Sinatra, Reagan, Churchill and others whose obituaries have been written all lived long enough to see their debts to fame settled.Monroe and Presley did not. They were given the riches, but they were cut off before their time. I don't know if they were unhappy, but for their public, it was easy to imagine their youth and self-destruction as a kind of romantic, self-inflicted martyrdom. To many, that aura is at least as fascinating as the person, or the work, but it only materializes after the obituaries have been filed, as life goes on, even in death.
**[[w:Walter Cronkite|Walter Cronkite]] for NPR News in an article entitled &quot;The Art of the obituary&quot; , and as published in their April 20, 2006 edition.

* He helped to kill off the influence of me and my contemporaries, but I respect him for that because music always has to progress, and no-one could have opened the door to the future like he did.
**[[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]], as published in iheart.com

* Yeah, I think I do. Aside from the performing, we were up in his suite at the Sahara in Lake Tahoe and the guys were all just sitting around. We were having just a general conversation. He liked to do that. He would have that just about every night after work. The guys would all come up to his suite and they'd sit around and chat. And I remember him just getting so involved in the conversation and listening so carefully to what everybody else had to say. He never once dominated. He never once tried to say, 'Hey, I'm the boss'. You know, this is what I got to say. He really cared about what the other people contributed to the conversation and he listened. And I respected that so much because unfortunately as I said earlier, we have so many people in our business who are ego controlled who don't understand that maybe somebody else does know something. So I was very profoundly affected by that and respectful of him
** Comedian [[w:Norm Crosby|Norm Crosby]]'s answer to a reporter who asked him whether he had any special memorries of him, from an interview published in Facebook's Elvis Educatiuon Forum page.

* Titley uses the memoirs of mostly former nuns very adroitly to give us a sense of what life was like during this period for those who felt or were persuaded that they had a vocation. Despite the church's toxic fear of sexuality, the “Brides of Christ” designation for nuns had a very unhealthy aura of sexual desire built into it, channelling feelings that would otherwise have found outlets in human sexual partnerships. One nun recounts how her teacher (a nun) was thrilled when Dolores Hart, an actress who was the first to kiss Elvis Presley on screen, became a Benedictine sister: even Elvis could not compete with Jesus.
** Catriona Crowe, Head of Special Projects at the {{w|National Archives of Ireland}}, reviewing Brian Titley's &quot;Into Silence and Servitude&quot; for the Irish Times, and published there on January 7, 2018.

* I still really don't know to this day what the fuck that was all about. All I know is, I arrived in LA, got to my hotel, as I'd done umpteen times before, started unpacking, and there was a knock at the door and a team of FBI guys wanted to sit down and discuss something with me. And then, for nearly two years, they were always around. I remember going to the Golden Globes and having, like, 16 security guys with me. I don't even know why...and of course, people were like: 'Look at him, he thinks he's fucking Elvis'
**[[w:Russell Crowe|Russell Crowe]],in an interview to the Daily Mirror, discussing the time he was targeted as a possible kidnapping subject by Al Qaeda, sometime in 2001.

* We should do it right now. You want a little bit of Elvis?   &quot;One for the money, two for the show...
**[[w:Tom Cruise|Tom Cruise]], after ackowledging he had never sang in public as broadcast 
in  the Jay Leno Show's 11 Dec 2008 edition.  

* Yes, my dad killed JFK, he is secretly Elvis, and Jimmy Hoffa is buried in his backyard
** [[w:Ted Cruz|Ted Cruz]], in a tweet to Donald Trump, who suggested his father had been a friend of Lee Harvey Oswald,sent on May of 2016

* I wasn't thinking and thought I must press the suit and since it was a gold lamé, it wrinkled like the face of a modern Keith Richards!!!
** [[w:Manuel Cuevas|Manuel Cuevas]] Mexican born designer best known for the creation of Elvis' US$10,000 Gold Lame suit for Nudie's in Hollywood. He was actually recalling, in 2016, what happened moments before Elvis and Col. Parker picked up the suit at Nudie's, in the spring of 1957, as told in the book &quot;Manuel, the Rhinestone Rembrandt&quot;.

* There's also the Elvis connexion, the idea that he faked his death in 1977, but wanted to carry on being on screen, so he made a cameo appearance in &quot;Home Alone&quot;. Remember the rocker at the airport?
** Child actor and singer [[w:Macaulay Culkin|Macaulay Culkin]], pointing out some of the interesting conspiracies that derived from the huge success of &quot;Home Alone&quot;, in an interview with the Irish Times published on March 3, 2018.

* Actor Ed Asner and I quickly became friends. We would sit outside our dressing rooms and talk about politics and the civil rights movement. Ed described himself as a liberal and he didn't agree with what was going on in the country. One day as we were talking Elvis came over to join the conversation. So there the three of us were Elvis, Ed Asner and myself – kicking it around. Elvis played the doctor running a medical clinic in the ghetto. I played a black militant and Ed was the local police officer that played peacekeeper.I was impressed to be working with Elvis but you must remember these were turbulent times for our country and nobody knew what sudden provocation might shape or change our interactions on a daily basis. One evening after we finished shooting Elvis invited me to his dressing room. He was about to release a new album and wanted to get my opinion on one particular song; &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;. I really enjoyed the song. I was impressed and I told him so. He was pleased that I liked it and he shared his satisfaction with me we had a drink or two. During a certain part of the evening I took it upon myself to ask him a question that had been on my mind for some time I was rather reluctant to ask given our conversation thus far has been so pleasant. but I felt like I had to pose this question to him. I said you know &quot;Elvis, there is word going around our community that you said 'the only thing black people could do for you what shine your shoes and buy your records.&quot; Silence. More silence. Uncomfortable silence. I began to think that he was going to kick me out of his room. Suddenly he surprised me,got slightly emotional and look me dead in my eyes. &quot;I've heard that rumor&quot; he said &quot;It's a vicious lie, and if I knew who started it I would flat kick their asses&quot; He went on to say that he had a special place in his heart for black people declaring that he learned to sing by listening to black people sing gospel and the blues. He claimed he learned how to dance by watching black dudes do their thing. Some of the people closest to him, he said, were black. I could tell immediately that the rumor I had brought up deeply hurt his feelings. I could also tell that he was speaking to me from his heart. That conversation really opened my eyes to the person that Elvis Presley really was -- not the media portrayal ,not the stage persona, not the roles he played in movies, but the real Elvis Presley, the man. He truly earned my respect and we parted ways as friends.Years later I was on location in Knoxville Tennessee co-starring in a television series [Roots] when I got word of Elvis's passing. It shocked me and I was tremendously distressed by his death, as was the whole country.
** African American actor {{w|Ji-Tu Cumbuka}}, from his biography&quot; A Giant to Remember: The Black Actor in Hollywood&quot;

* I think we're living in a very diverse country now, and if you look at the nativity, traditionally, it was Mary and Joseph, whereas every time I go to a Nativity play it's a loose story. I think it is time to modernise it a little bit and bring a bit of diversity. Why would people not want Elvis and Lobsters instead of Jesus? Come to think of it, when you go to watch the nativity you go and watch them perform.
** Jessica Cunningham, former candidate in the Apprentice, making the case, to hosts {{w|Piers Morgan}} and {{w|Susanna Reid}}, for UK primary schools to ditch the traditional nativity in favour of a more modern and diverse play, the latter after a survey revealed that only 37% of schools will be performing a traditional nativity play, and as reported by UK Yahoo news on December 11. 2018.

* I'd been quilting for 40 years, lost all of my teaching gigs and seminars for the rest of 2020. They sell for about $9,500 each and I do four-day retreats that can cost $1,400 but after making more than 100 masks, I realized I was going to have to restructure my business. I did a lecture and studio tour on Zoom, and then hosted my first online class. I was skeptical as to how many people would pay $35 for it, but was thrilled that 268 people signed up for the webinar. It's not like I'm Elvis Presley, but that's a cheap workshop with me.”
** Joe Cunningham, noted [[w:quil|quilter]] from San Francisco, CA, on his now making a profit doing masks, after the 2020 pandemic and as reported by the Washington Post on their July 1, 2020 edition in an article entitled &quot;The pandemic-fueled demand for masks has reignited interest in an age-old skill&quot;

* Vocally is where I see him as this great synthesiser of American traditions; his voice is something of a shape shifter, it can sound high and mournful and soulful, and he can also sound like a preacher, or be quite gruff, or be a sweet crooner; it's not the tone, it's the technique, like he had to adopt all these other techniques and put them together to make something extraordinary; the reason there are so many Elvis impersonators is because the voice is undoable – it's a mystery.
** [[w:Justin Currie|Justin Currie]] Scottish songwriter and singer, explaining Elvis´art to staff writer Graem Thompson, as published in the Scottish Herald, on 26 July 2010.

* I was making 'The Rat Race' at Paramount and he was also on the lot, shooting &quot;G.I. Blues&quot;. So I happened to be walking by a trailer when its door opens, I look up, and there he was, so he grabs me, pulls me in and he says, 'Mr Curtis, I want you to know what a fan I am. I used to watch your movies in Tennessee'. And I said, 'Please, don't call me Mr Curtis'. And this handsome kid looks at me and says, 'So what do you want me to call you?' And I said, 'Just call me Tony'. And I said, 'So what do I call you?' And he said, 'Mr Presley'. Bam, was he funny. We had a great time together.
** [[w:Tony Curtis|Tony Curtis]], as ´published in For Elvis Fans Only on May 18, 2008

* When I was asked to direct Elvis and after a few conversations with him, I began to sit up and take notice. This is a lovely boy, and he's going to be a wonderful actor. When I told him that he would sing three ballads without one single movement, I didn't get the answer you'd expect. Instead, he merely nodded and said simply, 'You're the boss, Mr. Curtiz.'I found him an amazingly restless, ever-searching young man, pliable, absorbing with a bounce like a rubber ball. In my manner of thinking, he possesses much the same qualities which Gary Cooper and John Wayne showed when they first started in pictures --with one notable exception, namely that they capitalized and still capitalize on an element of awkwardness, while Elvis is agile and resilient with a smoothness that you'd expect in a veteran. I guarantee that he'll amaze everyone. He shows a formidable talent. What's more, he'll get the respect he so dearly desires.
** Two time Oscar winning Director [[w:Michael Curtiz|Michael Curtiz]], focusing on Elvis acting capacities in King Creole, which he directed, as published in the Daily notes, on April 9, 1958

* &quot;Younger Now&quot;, my new album, was inspired by my love of Elvis Presley and the fantasies I had about him. I used to rewind one of his movies, Blue Hawaii, just to hear him say my name. I would do this over and over and over again because he would say 'I love you, Miley' and I would fantasize HIM telling ME that he loved ME.
** {{w|Miley Cyrus}}, revealing for the Daily Mail the source for inspiration for her latest album, Younger now, in an article published on 28 September, 2017.

== D ==
* My fans always remember and recognise me for &quot;Disco Dancer&quot;, making the song and me inseparable. This song is also special because its various movements and dance steps are inspired by the great singer and performer Elvis Presley. I feel my pelvic thrust &quot;Disco Dancer&quot; was just a bad copy of Presley's signature move and for me, he will always be the King of dance.”
** Mithum Da, real name {{w|Mithun Chakraborty}}, Indian actor, singer and former Rajya Sabha Member of Parliament, in an article published by the Bollywood news on February 5, 2018

* Elvis Presley's incendiary vocal performance of &quot;Baby, let's play house&quot;(1955), hails from rockabilly's formative era, when the rules hadn't yet been cast in stone, and Elvis was still experimenting in overdrive, searching for the compelling sound that would catapult him to icon status in little over a year. Presley's slapback, echo laden hiccuping – briefly rendered &quot;a cappella&quot; before the snarling low end guitar of Scotty Moore enters –, segues into an irresistibly lascivious declaration of lust, and a not-so-subtle hint of violence. Both of Scotty Moore's immaculately conceived, and executed solos were monstrously influential to the rockabilly idiom, copied by countless Southern axe-wielding teens. And Bill Black slaps his thundering upright bass so percussively, that no drummer was necessary.
** Bill Dahl, reviewing Elvis' fourth release at the Sun Records label, for AllMusicGuide.com

* Millennials, those born in between 1980 and 2000, get blamed for ruining all kinds of things, from iconic brands, to the economy. That generation is portrayed by the media as being stubborn, lazy, entitled, whiny, and oh yeah, capable of wiping out entire industries with just the flick of a mason jar. But what the baby boomers seem to forget is that every older generation casts aspersions on the young folks, shaking their heads at how things change and reminiscing over the “good old days.” There was a time when Elvis Presley's gyrations were considered the height of vulgarity. Now we have HBO.
** Amanda Harding, for the [[w:Daily Beast|Daily Beast]]'s The Cheat Sheet, in an article published on March 2, 2018.

* From a shy young boy to global superstar, the icon of the 20th century that was Elvis Presley is still as enigmatic today as when he was alive. One of the most celebrated and influential popular musicians of all time, his gift and talent, flaws and failings are as enchanting now as they were when he first snarled his lips
** Beth Daley, Editor and General Manager of Australia's [[w:The Conversation (website)|The Conversation]], in an editorial published on August 14, 2017.

* Growing up with the Beatles, then Bowie, I used to think Elvis Presley was an old-fashioned crooner, someone your auntie liked, a hillbilly rocker with greasy hair who starred in cheesy films. I had no idea that before Elvis, blues music was played by black people, country by their white neighbours, and gospel by both, but never together. I was blind to the fact that, before Elvis, radio stations and record labels, like everything in the south, were divided by colour. It was Elvis who, as if by magic, merged the blues, country and gospel and created the soundtrack to the modern world. He didn't “steal” black music. He absorbed it from an early age, growing up in poor neighbourhoods in Tupelo, MS, then Memphis TN. He lived and breathed rhythm and blues. He had soul.
** Susan Dalgety, Scottish Civil Rights writer, for the [[w:The Scotsman|The Scotsman]], as published in July 21, 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Embrace legacy of Otis and Elvis in the name of freedom&quot;

* You cut the hair of the greatest singer and now you can say you cut the moustache of the greatest artist. Incidentally he came to my place in 1972, in NYC, we had a great time and as we bid our goodbyes, I told him how I loved the shirt he was wearing. So he took it off, slowly, and handed it to me. When he left the building he was naked from the waist up. LOL. Anyways I then used it to paint that week, and for sentimental reasons, I never failed to put it on again, whenever I painted&quot;
** [[w:Salvador Dali|Salvador Dali]]'s words to Larry Geller, Elvis hair stylist, after spending with him an entire week in Paris, during which he insisted he trimmed his animated and eccentric moustache, as published in Geller's Leaves of Elvis Garden.

* I eventually went to Woodstock, the Monterey Festival, Altamont and did the Manson story for Rolling Stone so to cover Elvis' first live show in many years was a must see for me. Elvis was still a huge idol. We saw him as a god. It was a quasi-religious experience. It was one of those wonderful symbiotic events where the audience and the star are both creating a combined energy field. Elvis was getting off on it. It was like some sort of a strange play starring this kid from Tupelo, Mississippi who was made King. That show was a really ecstatic event for me to witness. Much of the audience was the same age as him but Elvis seemed ageless, almost like a folk hero.
** [[w:David Dalton (writer)|David Dalton]], covering Elvis first show at the International Hotel in Las Vegas on 31 July 1969, for Rolling Stone the magazine whose editorship he had headed two years earlier when he was barely 22 years old.

* When I saw Elvis on Ed Sullivan, I knew he was having more fun than any other human being up there, actually he was having cosmic fun, and I wanted to do it, too. I didn't want to be no rock star, when I was young I didn't even know what that was. I just wanted his job, whatever it was.
** [[w:Jim Dandy|Jim Dandy]], lead singer and frontman for the American Southern rock band Black Oak Arkansas, in an interview published on September 7, 2016 at TEAMROCK.COM

* It was just before Christmas 1962 and as I was driving from El Paso to the East Coast, I began forming the idea that would become this song; not very long afterwards my long-time friend Bob Johnston invited me to Nashville, and we finished this one together; Bob did a demo on it and when Elvis came to town, he picked it up and held it for almost a year in what was then called his portfolio; so, anyway, he recorded it and it was by far the biggest thing that had ever happened to me in my life.
** {{w|Charlie Daniels}}, explaining how the power ballad &quot;It hurts me&quot; came into being, and what it meant to him, as published in SONGFACTS.com

* I just loved Elvis. We had a couple of pictures together from 1969, so I put the first near the bar, at my club. But they kept stealing it, in fact it and the other, as well as numerous copies, disappeared twice a week for a period of thirty years. They had to be replaced hundreds of times. Anyways, one day, a cute girl walked up to me, and then asked me whether she could take a picture, so I got all excited and just as she got real next to me to have our picture taken, she just took the Elvis picture, left the club and said &quot;Thanks Rodney, you're as doll&quot;. What was also hilarious was when my wife discovered that Elvis had a handkerchief that was apparently stained with his sweat and it went for a lot of money. So I had a 'eureka' moment. I sweat more than anybody, so my sweat has to be as good as Elvis' sweat, right? So my wife went right to work, ordering hundreds of perfume-sample bottles and setting about farming my perspiration. She was the 'sweat collector, taking a sponge and spoon and collect my sweat -- about an inch at a time.. She thought we could water it down but I said, 'No, that wouldn't be right.' &quot; Ultimately, the MGM Grand Hotel &amp; Casino, where I performed a lot in my later years, put the brakes on the operation: &quot;They said, no, we couldn't offer that sweat. An insurance issue. I was crestfallen.&quot; My wife still keeps the cloudy fluid in a Tupperware container, which she'll transfer to a crystal decanter for special occasions. &quot;It means a lot to her, she knows how hard I worked to make people laugh.&quot;
** {{w|Rodney Dangerfield}}, from his autobiography Its not easy being me.

* Rock 'n' Roll was not my cup of tea, so you could understand why I was not crazy about Elvis Presley. Before I met him, one day driving along Sunset Blvd, I heard on the radio a singer, unknown to me, singing beautifully an English version of &quot;O Sole Mio&quot;. To my great surprise, the announcer said that the singer was Elvis. When we worked together in &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; we became very good friends and I found out what a wonderful person, gentleman, performer and dear friend he really was. I also had an opportunity to work with Elvis off camera. He asked me to help him with the Italian lyrics of &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; I did it with great pleasure and that confirmed what I already knew was another facet of his great talent. He learned the song in no time whatsoever and, as you well know, performed it beautifully. If I had a chance to talk to him. I would tell him how much I miss him.
** {{w|Cesare Danova}}, Italian American Actor, in a letter to Sue Weigerat, who invited him to appear as a guest in an event focusing on the life and death of Elvis Presley

* He always wore his affinity for Elvis Presley like a batch, covered &quot;Trouble&quot; on his eponymous band's Thrall-Demonsweatlive EP in 1993 and most recently, filmed a Danzig Legacy concert video that stylistically recalled Presley's '68 comeback special, playing in the round with guitarists from throughout his career and singing in front of his name lit up in red. Although he credits director Mark Brooks with the theme for the film, he said he loved the idea himself and is even in the midst of recording an LP of Elvis covers. &quot;Elvis is actually how I got into music, since I was a kid, I was cutting school pretending I was sick and I would lie at home watching old movies, and &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; came on and I was like, 'I want to do this. This is great.' And that's how I veered to music. But the thing that has connected all of his sessions is his desire to record new versions of Elvis songs for the upcoming Danzig Sings Elvis LP. &quot;I'm stripping some of the stuff down to the bare bones, very old-school Fifties echoey slap-back vocals,&quot; he says. Every time I go back into the studio to work on a new Danzig record, if we have time, I'm like, 'Let's do another Elvis song.' So I keep adding and we'll see what ends up on the record.&quot; Some of the songs he has recorded, he says, include &quot;Home Is Where the Heart Is&quot; and the Faron Young–composed &quot;Is It So Strange?&quot;It's a connection that has been a part of him for years. &quot;We have been stopping by Graceland and Elvis' grave since my days in [goth-punk group] Samhain,&quot; Danzig says. &quot;Just, you know, hanging out.&quot;
** [[w:Glenn Danzig|Glenn Danzig]] during a visit to Rolling Stone, recalling how Elvis Presley influenced him and how, coincidentally, he went on to write songs for Presley's one time Sun Records label-mates Johnny Cash (&quot;Thirteen&quot;) and Roy Orbison (&quot;Life Fades Away&quot;), as published in the magazine's online edition on July 1, 2015.

* Screw them all, you can't go on like this.
** [[w:Bobby Darin|Bobby Darin]]'s reaction when told by Elvis that he was having a horrible time with bad scripts, pills and diets, as told by his wife Sandra Dee in an interview published at wwwelvispresleymusiccomau.

* I loved Elvis and his music. My grandmother Mary had an Elvis jumpsuit custom made for me and I’d do Elvis tunes around the house. One day my dad came to pick me up from my mom’s for a visit. He said to me “I hear you’re an Elvis fan; you're a traitor like all the rest!” and he laughed. He said &quot;go put on your jumpsuit and let me see your moves!” Now it was one thing to do my Elvis act for my mom and grandmother but my dad was another story. I just froze and felt really uncomfortable. He said again &quot;show me some moves!” I knew he was joking and that it was all in good fun. Years later, I was supposed to meet Elvis with my dad at the Las Vegas Hilton in 1973. Sadly, that meeting never took place.  Sometime a year or so after my dad died my mom and grandmother took me to the Hilton to see Elvis live. I will never forget the excitement of seeing him walk onto that stage to the theme of “2001 A Space Odyssey.” The room was electric and quite honestly I've never experienced anything quite like it to this day. Elvis was a musical treasure/phenomenon and a kind and generous human being  Because my mom was so painfully shy, she didn’t let Elvis know we were in the audience and so,   again, I never got to meet him.  
** Dodd Darin, [[w:Bobby Darin|Bobby Darin]] and [[w:Sandra Dee|Sandra Dee]]'s son, on why he never met Elvis, as published in  wwwelvispresleymusiccomau.

* Elvis Presley was not just an enormous personality, but also a huge comic book fan. Reportedly, a fan of Captain Marvel Jr., he modeled his looks on him, including the hair with a spit curl, high collars, a short cape, and a lightning belt buckle. Notably, Elvis also appeared in DC comics.
** Shuvrajit Das Biswas, Editor of [[w:Newsbytes News Network|Newsbytes]], in an article entitled &quot;At ComicBytes, five celebrities crazy about comics&quot;, published on October 27, 2018

* Melding a range of disparate influences, along with his energetic jiving, to create a new musical form that still sways listeners -- and in its time, helped break race barriers in the US -- he became a best-selling and influential solo musician of his generation and a significant cultural icon. That explains Elvis Presley's depictions across all media, save literature, where his appearances rarely match his status.His fictional forays -- which span cosmic comedy, high fantasy, science fiction, horror and more, by authors from Douglas Adams to Sir Terry Pratchett (along with Neil Gaiman), from Stephen King to Rick Riordan and Robert Rankin to John Grisham -- see him appear in various guises and forms but rarely in the way we know him. And that is rather unfortunate, for his life has all the makings of a captivating story. From a humble background in the first two decades of his life, he rose to global fame which he retained in his remaining life -- despite his visible physical decline in the final years of his short but eventful life.He had good relations with his parents, was courteous to all, respected fellow singers and acknowledged many as better, and hated the title &quot;King of Rock 'n' Roll&quot;. His untimely death left many people shocked, and others suspicious. This is behind the most familiar Elvis trope -- &quot;Elvis Lives&quot;. It works on the supposition that Elvis is not dead, and that, either by conspiracy, alien abduction (and later return), or retirement, he is still among us.
** Vikas Datta in a [http://nripress.com/read-me-tender-the-king-of-rock-n-rolls-fictional-gigs-column-bookends/ survey of novels that feature Elvis] (March 25, 2018).

* Elvis was never short of any stage performance. There is still a lot to be learned there. It gives you an idea of how to work a stage. He drew people in, you know, defiantly. He had that look; he looked like a star. At any rate, I can't compare myself to Elvis, not even a little bit. People put you on a pedestal; it almost feels like you're being worshiped sometimes which is not normal for a human being to deal with, not even a little.&quot;
** [[w:Chris Daughtry|Chris Daughtry]],as published in www.graceland.com

* When I photographed him in 1960, right after he got back from the Army, I had direct access to him, rode with him in the train all the way from Fort Dix in New Jersey to Graceland. It was so interesting to see all the girls running by and screaming and crying at every stop. And I was right there with him, eating sandwiches and laughing. At that time, there was no wall between the photographer and the star. But then, after I finished that shoot, it was as if a kind of curtain came down. This was the start of publicists getting involved. You didn't have direct access to celebrities anymore.
** Henri Dauman, one of [[w:Life (magazine)|Life]] magazine's top photographers and the father of [[w:Philippe Dauman|Philippe Dauman]], discussing how stars and newsmen started to see the value of publicity,in an article published at the Hollywood Reporter on April 27, 2018.

* One night at about 1 in the morning I got a call for me to get the aircraft ready to fly from Memphis to Denver, a 2 and a half hour flight. Enroute, I asked one of the people in his staff, what was the reason we were flying there. He told me it was to get some peanut butter sandwiches. Right, I said. But when we landed, a limo pulled next to the plane, and a man got out with silver trays and there they were, peanut butter sandwiches for all of us. It was the best I have ever had...
** Elwood David, pilot for the [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] aircraft, recalling a 1976 trip to Denver, in a 1984 television documentary entitled Graceland.

* He loved all of the well-known performers, but the one that really brought him out of his shell was Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Ronald C. Davidson}}'s son, describing the musical taste of his namesake father, a pioneer of fusion power and Professor Emeritus of Astrophysical Sciences at Princeton University.

* i) While writing a song in 1977, I learnt that Elvis had died, which influenced its lyric. Staying in New York at the time, I looked out my window late at night, saw a single light on in one of the buildings, then imagined that light being the apartment of an ardent Elvis fan, which became the character Dan the Fan in the song. In fact, the line, &quot;The King is dead, rock is done,&quot; is a reference to Elvis. ii) In fact, Elvis turned up one night during our 1969 gig at the Whiskey a GoGo. He sat in the corner with his wife. I didn't know until after. I wouldn't have been able to cope...
** [[w:Ray Davies|Ray Davies]], leader of the Kinks, on the writing of ROCK 'N' ROLL FANTASY, which he called a &quot;Method acting songwriting job&quot;, as published in SONGFACTS.com and ii) in an interview with actor Mark Hamill and published on April 20, 2016

* i) I think Elvis took a huge chance in doing &quot;In the Ghetto&quot;. It was a big risk. ii) The first time I saw Elvis in person I knew he was special. Number one he was the prettiest man you ever saw in your life, he was really beyond handsome. There was something electric about him. Coming along when he did, moving the way he did, jumping around the way he did, plus the fact that every woman was totally mesmerized by him. Everything came to standstill when you saw Elvis. This was when he was 19 and again when he was 30. I saw him at both instances and there was the same reaction both times. You couldn't have wiped the smiles off their faces with a hand grenade. He knew what he could do and what he had and he played on it. He came along at a time in the Fifties, him and James Dean, it was the two of them. They were everything.
**[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]], i) in an interview to EIN, published on July 31, 2013. ii) idem, in 2006

* I have a respect for Elvis and my friendship. It ain't my business what he did in private. The only thing I want to know is, 'Was he my friend?', 'Did I enjoy him as a performer?', 'Did he give the world of entertainment something?' – and the answer is YES on all accounts. The other jazz just don't matter'. 'Early on somebody told me that Elvis was black. And I said 'No, he's white but he's down-home'. And that is what it's all about. Not being black or white it's being 'down-home' and which part of down-home you come from. On a 1 to 10, I would rate him an 11
** [[w:Sammy Davis Jr|Sammy Davis Jr]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html, published in the magazine's online edition on July 1,2015.

* After I'd seen through Christianity, I was still influenced by the elegance of the living world, what appeared to be intelligent design. And that was reinforced when I discovered that my great hero, Elvis Presley, had done a religious album, called Peace in the Valley. Elvis was kind of a minor God to me and my companions, so when I discovered that he was religious, it felt like a call from heaven. This is Elvis, personally calling me.
** [[w:Richard Dawkins|Richard Dawkins]], English author and scientist, on how his world was changed by Elvis Presley, as published on MPR news, on October 7, 2013.

* After a day on set we were talking about how youngsters have to save every penny to buy a car after their graduation. In the US, most youngsters were given a car, not so in the UK.I was 17, but soon after Elvis took me outside and told me to close my eyes, at that moment I knew he had a surprise waiting for me, but never in my wildest dreams could I have thought of a sports car. It was a white 1967 Ford Mustang convertible. Elvis handed me the keys and said 'It's yours.' I couldn't believe it, but I think if he was able to help somebody, he liked to do that.
** Annete Day, whose only acting role was as a rich heiress in MGM's 1967 &quot;Double Trouble&quot;, as told in an interview quoted for the Express's August 31, 2021 edition by Stefan Kiryazis.

* Many say that the his passing was akin to the assassination of President Kennedy, Martin Luther King or Robert Kennedy, in that they remember precisely where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. Like them, I, too, remember. I was on the air at WSRW, filling in for one of the guys on vacation and going to the AP teletype machine when I saw a bulletin in bold print, much as a national emergency bulletin would appear, announcing that earlier in the afternoon he had been found dead in Graceland. I also remember waiting to announce it to make certain it was real and not a hoax. Unfortunately, it wasn't....
** Herb Day, writing for {{w|The Times-Gazette}} on October 29, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;So you think you're Elvis?

* I say emotional because you don’t just drive a Corvette. It drives you—and not in a chauffeur kind of way, either. I’m talking about the nameplate and everything that it stands for. The impact it had on pop culture, car culture, and the entire American culture. I struggle to think of a car that has had more songs written about it, nor can I think of one that has shaped so many dreams. To say the Corvette is just a great car is like saying Elvis was just a great singer. They are far more than that. They are the original American Idols.
** James Deakin, automotive journalist and TV host at {{w||CNN Philippines}}, in an article entitled &quot;The Corvette, Like Elvis Presley, Is The Original American Idol&quot; and published at the {{w|Philippine Tatler}} on October 18, 2018

* We had a really brilliant Elvis double. And he certainly moved like him. They even did a little CG work on his face to make him a little more like him. [laughs] Originally, his song played much longer through the scene, but Director [[w:Denis Villeneuve|Denis Villeneuve]] said that when they were cutting it they just had little echoes of the song and it was much eerier because of that. Isn't that interesting?
** Cinematographer [[w:Roger Deakins|Roger Deakins]], answering the question of why the Elvis &quot;malfunctioning hologram&quot; scene worked so well in the 2017 movie &quot;Blade Runner 2049&quot;, as published in the LA Times on 20 November 2017

* That is really amazing
** [[w:James Dean|James Dean]]'s reaction after hearing a minute's worth of “That's alright Mama” being played by actress Steffi Sidney at a record player she had in her dressing room during the 1955 shoot of the Warner Brothers' production of &quot;Rebel without a cause&quot;, as noted by Quora.

*It just fired him up to be in front of people again. He had a charisma where he and the audience became one thing. Not just the little girls, but also women and everybody got caught up in it.
** Guitarist [[w:Mike Deasy|Mike Deasy]], telling Rolingstone what it felt to play guitar for Elvis in the 1968 NBC special, and in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* Although most of the other boys wore white tuxedos, Elvis chose a relatively conservative dark blue suit. Shyly, he pinned a pink carnation corsage on Regis' dress and as they entered the Continental Ballroom at the Peabody, the band was playing, and couples were already out on the dance floor. But Elvis steered her to a seat and offered her a Coke. &quot;I can't dance,&quot; Elvis apologized. She took it that he didn't dance because he was so religious and sweetly replied, &quot;That's all right.&quot; And so they sat out the entire night, talking and sipping on soda pop while watching the other couples. Finally, they all lined up for the grand march, stepping through a mammoth heart as their names were called and their picture was taken. A few weeks after the prom, Elvis dropped by Regis' house to see her and found that she and her family had simply vanished. Regis's mother, financially strapped, had decided to move the family to Florida to live with her relatives. Regis said she was &quot;embarrassed&quot; to tell Elvis how bad their financial situation was, so she never said goodbye. In the family's move to Florida, she lost her photo but Elvis always kept his, and a few years later Gladys gave a copy to a fan magazine. By then, Elvis was a sensation, with very specific dance moves all his own.
** Actor [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]], who was filming the prom scene on the set of &quot;Grease&quot; when Elvis died, recalling Elvis' own prom night with his date Regis Wilson in an article for Mental Floss entitled &quot;The Sad Story of Elvis Presley's Senior Prom and published on May 5, 2018
 
* Only I know if there was romance or not
**{{w|Macaria (actress)|Delia Beatriz de la Cruz Delgado}}, Mexican actress and producer better known as Macaria, who has kept the nature  of  her relationship with Elvis secret for almost 60 years, as published in the Goaspotlight's January 10, 2022 edition. 

* {{w|Al Pacino|Al Pacino}} was saying &quot;Hoffa's like the Beatles, you know – so famous, like Elvis Presley&quot;. Well, 'size'  was important for this (  40 year old) story, told in such a small, intimate way...
** {{w|Robert De Niro|Robert De Niro}}, telling Tom Nicholson why were  the Elvis and the Beatles non-scripted  references  inserted  in a scene  of  Netflix's 2019 production of &quot;The Irishman&quot;, about the  &quot;disappearance&quot; of {{w|Jimmy Hoffa|Jimmy Hoffa}}, and as published in Esquire's August 11, 2019 edition.

*  &quot;Happy Xmas&quot;b  by John Lennon  &quot;A Marshmallow World&quot; by Dean Martin and &quot;White Christmas&quot; by Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Inès de La Fressange|Inès de La Fressange}}, French model, fashion designer and perfumer as told to Vogue Paris, whose  unnamed interviewer asked her to name her three favourite Christmas songs and  as published on December 13, 2018,.

* i) My young black panther, he is a fine young man. He has the look of a Latin, dark and lithe, moves like a cat, is a good actor and I even like his singing. I would like him for a son ii) In 1960 Dolores del Río finally returned to Hollywood. She starred with Elvis Presley in &quot;Flaming Star&quot; directed by Don Siegel. Having been out of Hollywood for eighteen years at this point Presley nevertheless received her with a bouquet of flowers and said: &quot;Lady, I know exactly who you are. It's an honor to work with one of the biggest and most respected legends of Hollywood. As you will be my mother in the film, I want to ask permission for my ophthalmologist to make contact lenses that mimic the color of your eyes&quot;. Del Río immediately took maternal affection to the young Presley.
** i) From and ii) about legendary Mexican star of the stage and screen [[w:Dolores del Rio|Dolores del Rio]] and her instant affection for Elvis, as noted in her biography by Linda Hall, Beauty in Light and Shade, and published in 2013.

* But then there's Elvis. I love Elvis Presley, in a totally non-ironic way.
** {{w|Benicio del Toro}}, in an interview for Earnoize, in April of 2014.

* Well, I guess could use the extra income because I've waited a long time for my present Elvis Presley hit. The money from the juke boxes would help me and my family a lot. Why shouldn't I be paid? I wrote the lyrics for the song.
** {{w|Claude Demetrius}}, compaining about his not getting the royalties for the lyrics to Elvis' 1958 #1 hit &quot;Hard Headed Woman&quot;, which hit the top of the Billboard charts as Elvis was already in Ft. Hood, TX, and as as reporte by the New York Daily News on its December 1, 1958 edition, by which time Elvis was already serving in Germany.  

* Elvis Presley`s talent as a musical artist was double barrelled and more; his voice, on the one hand, was extraordinary for its quality, range and power, as well as being a unique stage performer with instinctive natural abilities in both areas; he was the master of a wide and diverse range of vocal stylings and ventriloquist effects, from the clear tenor of his C&amp;W heroes, to the vibrato of the Gospel singers he loved, his voice invariably possessing an aching sincerity and an indefinable quality of yearning virtually impossible to pigeonhole.
** From the U.S Department of the Interior`s paper on criteria for greatness as a vocalist, which, together with all aspects of his life and legacy, led to the inclusion of his home, Graceland, in the National Register of Historic Places, in 2006.

*  He was wearing black and looked like ten Greek Gods as he tore through &quot;Love me Tender, &quot;Don't be cruel, and &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;. He was sweating, in the flesh, alive, inhaling and exhaling. And there I was, breathing the same air, sitting with {{w|Robert Plant}} and {{w|Jimmy Page}}, completely and entirely beside myself. Some sideburned greased monkey appeared after the show, asking Jimmy if he would like to meet Elvis. He said &quot;No, thank you,&quot; and I never quite got over it....
**{{w|Pamela Des Barres}},  rock and roll groupie extraordinaire, actor, author and magazine writer, blaming her then  love interest Jimmy Page of [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]] for declining to meet Presley  after his  midnight  show at the International Hotel (now the {{w|Westgate, Las Vegas}}) on August 12, 1969, ostensibly in reference to the fact Page knew  she was a huge Elvis fan but because of his jealously-derived  decision,  never got to meet him (as noted in page 139 of her biography. &quot;I am with the band&quot;).

* Sam Phillips originally drafted Elvis to replace an absent ballad singer but, after pairing him with ambitious guitarist Scotty Moore and his upright bass-playing friend Bill Black, the music quickly veered in another direction entirely; the SUN Sessions began as an impromptu jam, the absence of drums being purely incidental given it was a small studio, but the light echo the producer used to compensate, inadvertently had an effect on Presley's own voice which was far more interesting; Elvis himself was a raw talent, but his singing prowess was immediately apparent, with a vocal range of roughly three octaves, perfect control and ability to jump between bass, baritone and tenor with the greatest of ease; over fifty years after the fact, we can see that what teenagers saw in him, was a genuinely brilliant vocalist that could just as easily convey a soft ballad, as it could a wild rock song; as a rule, the importance of an album is completely separate from its actual quality but, invariably, albums this influential are influential because they're genuinely great recordings, and &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot;, though not formally compiled until 1976, were certainly great, great classic recordings.
** Dave De Sylvia reviewing &quot;The Sun Sessions&quot;, and Elvis' vocal abilities, for SPUTNIK Music, on June 1, 2006

* The voice of Elvis Presley is perhaps the most contested acoustical phenomenon in modern culture. I can understand why some listeners may prefer the original versions (of R&amp;B artists) to Presley's covers, but it is more difficult to claim that these were immoral or unethical. In terms of vocal style and instrumental arrangement, Presley actually borrows relatively little, his appropriations (being) more straightforward, taking from the materials already protected by copyright: lyrics and melody. So, unless he can be criticized for not imitating an original R&amp;B artist's rendition, we have to reevaluate Elvis' transgressions.
** Joanna Demers, in her book “Musical appreciation, musical meaning and the Law”, published in 2007.

* Anyways, after his midnight show,I spent about fifteen minutes with him, in the hope to take him to bed, but there is a limit to what a woman can say to arouse a man, even for a French woman. I have yet to see, to this day, a more strikingly beautiful man..
** [[w:Catherine Deneuve|Catherine Deneuve]], in her 2005 autobiography recalling &quot;Close up and personal&quot; recalling the time she met Elvis on August 8, 1969.

* In terms of being a groundbreaker, Elvis is at the forefront, breaking ground before groundbreaking was invented. What comes before groundbreaking, anyway? Whatever it is, that's Elvis. Elvis's career took off with the torque equivalent to that of &quot;&quot;Space Shuttle Atlantis[, and rarely slowed. Elvis had entered the building with an uncompromising style that began with black pants within which his famous hips tortured everyone from young women to fathers. Summing it up, slicked back, jet-black hair in a subtle pompadour with modest sideburns, black button-down shirt tucked into black straight-leg jeans with pair of slender, 50s-style Gucci boots will forever be a cool look...
** Alicia Dennis, defining why Elvis was ranked #8 by Zimbio, in the all time list of the most influential people in the field of fashion in the 20th Century, as published in [[w:Livingly Media|Zimbio]]'s December 15, 2008 edition.

* Once the vaccine is available to the early majority, it is important to employ word-of-mouth “seeding” techniques. That means enlisting mega-influencers—celebrities, prominent clergy, and social leaders—and everyday people who serve as micro-influencers to endorse the vaccine and encourage people to seek it. In the 1950s, when polio was rampant, Elvis Presley extolled the benefits of his own widely publicized vaccination, generating buzz about the shot.
** US noted economist {{w|Rohit Deshpande}}, writing on the  COVID pandemia for  the {{w|Harvard Business School}} in an article entitled &quot;How Influencers, Celebrities, and FOMO Can Win Over Vaccine Skeptics&quot; and as published in the HBS journal's January 29, 2021 edition.

* A 262-year-old rare artifact stolen in 1952 from the Dearborn Historical Museum was returned Tuesday — just in time for the city's 90th birthday. The artifact, a powder horn on loan from the Detroit Historical Society which originally went missing just before the opening of an exhibit entitled &quot;Saga of a Settler.&quot;, was recovered by the FBI's Art Crime Division team in Philadelphia, from an auction in Pennsylvania. That Division, created in 2004, has recovered since more than 14,850 items valued at more than $165 million in art-related investigations worldwide, diving into cases such as the theft of Elvis Presley's memorabilia to pre-Colombian South American artifacts.
** The {{w|Detroit Free Press}}'s account of the extraordinary find, by the FBI, of a powder horn used both in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, and as published on their January 15, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley is ready to help pedestrians rock'n'roll across the street in the German town of Friedberg near Frankfurt. Three traffic lights featuring his image have been placed around the town's Elvis Presley Square to commemorate the singer. While people are waiting to cross, he appears in the red light striking a pose at a microphone. When the lights go green he is shown swinging his hips in a famous dance move. Transforming traffic lights has become something of a trend in Germany, with the most famous being the Ampelmännchen in East Berlin now installed throughout the united city followed by the Kasperl character in a pointed hat in the city of Ausberg, the Mainzelmännchen in Mainz, the Beethoven traffic lights in Bonn and even the Karl Marx figures in Trier.
** The [[w:Deutsche Welle|Deutsche Welle]]'s official announcement that the German Police authorities in Friedburg have now installed Elvis-themed traffic lights to commemorate his having been posted there for 8 months with the US Army, and as published on their December 6, 2018 online edition.

* David Karns and John Grabish, since a very early age, were influenced by three kings: Jesus Christ, Elvis Presley and King Coal. They grew up, as Elvis fans, in two small Schuylkill County towns shaped by King Coal and graduated from Nativity BVM Catholic High School in the 1960s. As priests at Catholic parishes in Berks, Lehigh and Schuylkill counties, they devoted their adult lives to preaching the word of Christ the King. But Father Grabish is a solo act now. Father Karns, who last served as pastor of St. Stephen's in Port Carbon, Schuylkill County, died a year ago of cancer at age 69. Not surprisingly, he left his collection of Elvis memorabilia to Father Grabish, pastor of St. Paul and St. Joseph parishes in Reading. On Nov. 10, 2018 from 7 to 11 p.m., Father Karns' Elvis collection and other 1950s and '60s memorabilia will be auctioned during a gala in the Inn at Reading, Wyomissing whose proceeds will go to the St. Paul and St. Joseph maintenance funds. In his homily at Father Karns' funeral at St. Ambrose Church on Oct. 12, 2017, Father Grabish recalled their visits to Normandy Beach on Memorial Day in 1994, the 50th anniversary of D-Day. and, of course, to Graceland, the Sun Studio and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Both priests had been celebrants in the annual Mass in observance of Elvis' death, which is held on Aug. 16 at St. Paul the Apostle Catholic Church in Memphis. Though his homily quoted the Book of Job and the Gospel of John, Grabish's most poignant tribute to his friend came as he quoted Elvis : &quot;Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine&quot;.
** Ron Devlin, writing for the [[w:Reading Eagle|Reading Eagle]] in an article entitled &quot;Elvis was part of tie that bound priests as friends for decades&quot;, as published on November 3, 2018

* When in 1955 Chuck Berry arrived in New York for the Alan Freed Big Rock and Roll Show, he checked into the Alvin Hotel and soon after, went over to Manhattan to meet Freed. It was from Freed that Berry heard some gossip about Elvis, but Barry told Freed that he was already aware of him. Not only had Elvis played St Louis, his hometown, but he had heard about him all over the South. The crossover popularity of Berry's music was further demonstrated when ̊&quot;Maybelline&quot; was covered by white jazz artists and established orchestra leaders looking to rock music for new material. Berry was surprised at the number of jazz and big band artists that liked his song. He had realized during those shows that his music and that of Elvis were in fact creating a new sound...
** Howard DeWitt, in his book, ElvisːThe Sun years.

* I started watching a lot of videos of Elvis Presley. The way he held the crowd in the palm of his hand. He also said in one of his interviews that the crowd is like sheep. They will go as directed. You have to actually own that moment so I imagined myself being Elvis Presley the next time he was on stage and it worked.
** [[w:Varun Dhawan|Varun Dhawan]], Indian actor, explaining to Zoom, how watching Elvis helped him to overcome stage fright, in an interview published on Mar 22, 2018 |

* I have never made no secret of my affinity for Elvis Presley. My favorite song is &quot;Suspicious Minds.I first got into Elvis after discovering a longtime associate provost, who was an avid Elvis collector, was retiring. So, one night I dressed up as Elvis and sang at her retirement party. Here's the interesting thing: I put on the Elvis outfit and parents flock to me and want to take a picture, but their kids didn't recognized me
** [[w:Todd Diacon|Todd Diacon]], President of Kent State University, in an article published at the www.wksu.org's July 1,2019 edition

* I went down to Vegas, had never met him, I was awed, amazing live performer, electric, and halfway through the show he introduced me and it was like, worshiping a God, and then that God says, hey stand up, take a bow, so I stood up and the audience started to cheer, and some telling me to get on the stage with him. Over the years, I thought of it, but I am glad I didn't, it wouldn't have been a good idea. He was warm, very generous to me and I think it was best left at that.
** [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] in an interview with Andrew Denton on &quot;Enough Rope&quot;

* That is going to be my Elvis dress, Catherine
** [[w:Diana Spencer|Diana Princess of Wales]], as told to her designer, Catherine Walker upon seeing her first sketches of the dress she had expressedly ordered in late 1989.

* Two uniquely American art forms spawned in the 20th century were comic books and rock n' roll. But before that, in the early 1940s, the Captain Marvel comics became so popular that he even outsold those of Superman for several years. So, the character's publisher decided to create a spin-off hero and one of the new Captain Marvel Jr. comics' most ardent fans was a young boy named Elvis Aaron Presley. So when did he exactly come across it? No one is sure but a copy of 1947's Captain Marvel Jr. #51 is placed on the desk in the recreation of his childhood room at Memphis' Lauderdale Courts housing complex. There are the other clues: Elvis' early haircut seems very much based on that of [[w:Captain Marvel Jr|Freddie Freeman]] from his late '40s period. Elvis' signature &quot;half capes&quot; worn on stage also seem very inspired by those worn by the teenage hero. And the insignia for Elvis' core rhythm section, the TCB band? It's a very Shazam-esque lightning logo. These all point to direct homages to the superhero he grew up loving the most. And in turn, ever since it was revealed how much Elvis loved Captain Marvel Jr., the comics themselves have returned that inspiration. In the 2000s era Teen Titans series, Captain Marvel Jr. was described as a big Elvis fan. Another famous homage took place in DC's seminal graphic novel Kingdom Come, where we get a glimpse of a future version of Captain Marvel, Jr., whom artist Alex Ross specifically designed to look just like '70s-era Elvis. He even named the character &quot;King Shazam,&quot; as a tribute to him. So, will [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] pay homage to Elvis in [[w:Shazam|Shazam]]ǃǃ, the movie? Unknown, but if it were to happen, it would sure be in keeping with tradition.
** Eric Diaz, for [[w:Nerdist Industries|Nerdist]], in an article entitled ̊&quot;How A SHAZAM! Character Inspired Elvis Presley&quot; as published in their 26 March 2019 edition.

* I was 11 when he died and that's when I saw King Creoleǃǃ What a guyǃǃ The moment I got to school I spent the whole day imitating him. It was like a rocking pneumonia.
** {{w|Gabino Diego}}, Spanish actor, as noted in an article entitled &quot;The movie that changed my life&quot; as published in Fotogramas's 27/06/2014 edition

* He arrived on the scene when the young needed a romantic image. He filled the bill and on top of that, he can sing.
** {{w|Marlene Dietrich}}, on page 27 of the 1999 book The Last Word.

* Tonight, I want to introduce the greatest entertainer of all time. Mr. Elvis Presley. He was Las Vegas and if it wasn't for him, so many performers like myself would not have the chance to do what we do in this town. He really was the king.”
** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]], in introduction to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGpl3mKrC5g a &quot;duet&quot; with recordings of Presley]

* That ran its course and rock ’n roll came round, Elvis Presley happened and that changed the whole thing. So that was the advent of proper rock ’n roll...
** [[w:Geordie (band)|Davey Ditchburn]],left handed guitar player and lead singer for several [[w:Glam rock|Glam Rock]] bands, explaining how he switched from skiffle to rock and roll in 1956, in an article entitled &quot;How guitar present led to a life of music&quot;, as published on the Shields Gazette 22 January 2017 edition.

* I feel like I'm not the only rapper here, Elvis was like a rapper, wore fancy clothes, he drove a Cadillac!!&quot;
** [[w:DJ Paul|DJ Paul]], youngest member of the Oscar winning rap group Three 6 Mafia, in accepting their inclusion as members of the first class of inductees to the Memphis Music Hall of Fame, as reported by the Jackson Free Press, on November 30, 2012.

* I fell in love with this song, mostly because of Elvis' superior voice, not really thinking about the true meaning behind the lyrics, but rather how the title relates to the music genre I play as DJ house music.
** Progressive Italian DJ Spankox, on his re-mix of Elvis' classic &quot;Baby Let’s Play House&quot;(1955), as published on an UPI wire relayed worldwide on the day of the song's release, June 3, 2008

* Oh God, help!!!!   it has to be exquisite 
** [[w:Doja Cat|Doja Cat]]'s reaction to her song &quot;Vegas&quot; being  chosen to lead the soundtrack of Baz Luhrmann's 2022 biopic. 

* I grаvitаted towаrd good old rock ‘n’ roll, аnd I still do to this dаy. Some of Elvis Presley’s songs  chаnged my life аnd helped ne  become the musiciаn I am  now. Thаt wаs the kind of stuff thаt mаde me wаnt to sing 
** [[w:Mickey Dolenz|Mickey Dolenz]], as noted in TechnoTrrnz' April 12, 2022 edition. 

* It was amazing when the assistant director knocks on the door of my dressing room trailer and he comes in, and right there, behind him in the doorway stands Elvis Presley. It was unbelievable. So Elvis gets into the trailer and he introduces himself first to my Mom, the gentleman that he was, and then he introduces himself to me and I'm telling you the man was totally gracious as can be and again that's pretty much the essence of Elvis, he was gracious, understated, humble genuine, he was a true gentleman from the old school,in fact so understated that he really listened to you. He was the genuine article. I tell you towards the end of the production, I had turned nine years old and they had a little surprise birthday for me on the set and Elvis was there. My nephew who was about the same age and was my stand was there also, so Elvis bought me gifts for my birthday and GAVE my nephew gifts too so that HE wouldn't feel left out. And I thought that was awesome...
** [[w:Larry Domasin|Larry Domasin]], US child actor who starred with Elvis in Fun In Acapulco, in an interview with the Elvis podcast in 2015.

* His was the one voice I wish to have had, of all those emanating from singers in the popular music field.
** [[w:Placido Domingo|Placido Domingo]], in an interview given to &quot;Hola&quot; magazine (Spanish version), as published in June of 1994.

* i) When I was playing at the Flamingo Hotel, in 1969, I went to his room and played for him. I remember him telling me, “You know, Fats, I’m opening up tomorrow but when I first came here I flopped!&quot; But when he got back there it was all gold and every night it was sold out. Boy, he could sing. He could sing spirituals, country and western, everything he sang I liked. Elvis Presley did a lot before he passed. He made movies, he was traveling, everything. I don't see how he did it; you'd have to stay up day and night. ii) Elvis came to see me before he got a record deal. I liked him. I liked to hear him sing. He was just starting out, almost. He wasn't dressing up. Matter of fact, he had plain boots on. He wasn't wearing all those fancy clothes. He told me he flopped the first time he came to Las Vegas. I loved his music. He could sing anything. And he was a nice fellow, shy. His face was so pretty, so soft. I'm glad we took this picture.
** [[w:Fats Domino|Fats Domino]], recalling his relationship with Elvis in an interview with Michael Hurtt for the magazine Backtalk and published on June 1,2004 ii) referring to the picture they had of each other, it was taken minutes after Elvis himself called Fats “the King of Rock ’n’ Roll.” in a 1969 press conference when he diverted the attention of members of the press from calling him &quot;King&quot; and directed attention to Fats, who was also at the press conference. Rewinding to 1956, it was a time when musicians borrowed from each other in creating this new sound, leading to a bridge over the nation's racial divide being constructed from the rockabilly crafted in Memphis by Bill, Scotty and Elvis.

* One day, I got a phone call and the guy said &quot;Hey look what Elvis Presley has done, he's covered your masterpiece&quot;. I was all shook up, first because I was his fan, and also because I would do covers of his songs, albeit in my terrible English. Years later, i went to Graceland and saw the RIAA Award for &quot;You don't have to say you love me&quot; and naturally, I again felt so honoured.
** [[w: Pino Donaggio|Pino Donaggio]], Italian singer-songwriter, in an interview with quelliche...ilcinema, dated 26 May 2016

* Some people I cannot even imagine with a beard. Elvis Presley comes to mind. I thought Elvis with a beard would be very strange, then I did an Internet search and by golly there they were, a plethora of young Elvis Presley images in photographs with beards and mustaches. How does a child of the sixties like me not remember Elvis with a beard? Shoot, somedays I can't remember what I ate for breakfast. or my last bowel movement. As usual when I speak of Elvis Presley's physical appearance I throw out a kind of disclaimer. Look, I am a flaming heterosexual male but that Elvis was one handsome dude..
** Lindon Dodd, columnist for Indiana's [[w:News and Tribune|News and Tribune]], in an article entitled &quot;The art of growing a beard&quot; as published on September 28, 2018.

* When they celebrated the 10th anniversary of his death, it was more like a canonization,people lining up to visit Graceland, both women and men, with tears in their eyes...
** [[w:Kirk Douglas|Kirk Douglas]],in page 79 of the book The last word, 1999.

* Elvis, what he had was this unique quality, remember I described the sensation of people in that geographic location of the United States at that particular time being a mixed culture artistically? They were playing country, gospel, jazz and the blues and you did not know whether they were black or white, or who's playing what, because you're not looking at a tube, all you're doing is listening to a radio, and they are so good at emulating each other's styles that you don't know what's happening. Elvis blotted up as close as any white man could, the black culture. And he was sensitive to the black culture. If he heard something that he fancied doing and it was white, he didn't make it sound black. If it was black, he didn't make it sound white. He kept it in its tradition. That was one of Elvis' unique facilities.
** [[w:Tom Dowd|Tom Dowd]], record producer for Atlentic, credited with being amongst those who shaped the very sound of popular music through his studio work with the likes of Ray Charles, Otis Redding, the Drifters, the Coasters, Ruth Brown and even Bobby Darin, whose cover of &quot;Mack the Knife&quot; he captured marvellously, as was the case with John Coltrane Thelonious Monk, and Charlie Parker compositions.

* What he actually did was take 'black' and 'white' music and transform them into this third thing; (in the final analysis), no one sang so many different kinds of music – rock, gospel, country, standards –, as well as Presley sang them, at such a high level, and for such a long time.
** Greg Drew, world famous voice coach whose clients include Lenny Kravits, Avril Lavigne, and Corey Glover, as quoted in Mike Brewster`s &quot;The Great Innovators: Birth of a Rock star&quot;, published by Business Week in its September 24, 2004 issue.

* Radio Head, Harry Styles, and Elvis Presley— that is the wide range of genres likely responsible for my sound and style of writing.
** [[w:Trevor Drury|Trevor Drury]], model and musician, in an interview with Backstrage, as published on November 8, 2017

* Is music fandom a realm of spiritual practice? Do fans use their connections with heroes to adopt practices like veneration, sanctification or idolatry? While appearing to be magical and important social figures, stars are not necessarily deified. In the two decades since I started researching Elvis fandom, I have never met anyone who was “saved” or redeemed by Elvis Presley. On the other hand, I have met many fans that have been seduced, fascinated, empowered and inspired by his music. They all say that he has changed their lives for the better, but none expect heavenly rewards because of their fandom. Elvis loved gospel and used it to enter the mainstream. Despite his own intentions, he did not, however, practice “worship” music. His fans respected his values, some saying  that Elvis used his music as a God-given gift, in part because the reading aligns Elvis’ values with his talents.......
** [[w:Fan studies|Mark Duffett]], in his article  &quot;Elvis’ Gospel Music: Between the Secular and the Spiritual? and as published on RELIGIONS' March 9, 2015 edition.

* I take offence at being accused of being Bono or Prince — I would have thought Elvis was more appropriate.
** Craig Duffy, Australian Gold Coast entrepreneur and such a huge Elvis Presley fan that his Ferrari number plate is a well-known Presley acronym TCB (Taking Care of Business), as published on the Gold Coast Bulletin on November 23, 2017

*In a survey taken in 1996, a sampling of Chinese people were asked to name three famous Westerners. They chose Jesus, Nixon and Elvis. The Chinese, the most closed society over the last half century knew about Elvis? Oh yes, they knew. In fact, that same year, a NYT reporter attending a Chinese US summit, spoke of the time when the Chinese leader {{w|Jiang Zemin}}, then visiting the Philippines, proceeded to do a duet, in perfect English, of &quot;Love me tender&quot; his partner being his host, President [[w:Fidel Ramos|Fidel Ramos]].
** King Duncan, in his 2001 book The Amazing Law of influence

* Elvis wore a halo. Otis Redding did, too. You knew you were playing with a star when you played with them.
** Bassman {{w||Donald &quot;Duck&quot; Dunn}}, as noted in brainyquote

* Kim Jong-il was obsessed with Elvis Presley, his mansion crammed with his idol's records and his collection of 20,000 Hollywood movies included Presley's titles. He even copied the King's Vegas-era look of giant shades, jumpsuits and bouffant hairstyle.
** {{w|Tom Newton Dunn}}, as published in Jong Il' obituary in the Sun, on 20 December 2011.

* Well, you might have known trouble was coming if you were here in 1957. That was the year Elvis Presley paid us a visit. I think we might have made him famous, too.&quot;
** [[w:Sam Durham|Sam Durham]], from &quot;A Ghost Tour of Jerome, America's Largest Ghost Town&quot; 1989, Creative Video Productions, Sedona AZ.

* i) When I first heard Elvis' voice, I just knew that I wasn't going to work for anybody; and nobody was going to be my boss. Hearing him for the first time was like busting out of jail.ii) Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegun didn't think much of my songs. He produced some great records, no question about it, like Ray Charles, Ray Brown, just to name a few. But Sam Phillips, he recorded Elvis and Jerry Lee, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash. Radical eyes that shook the very essence of humanity. Revolution in style and scope. Heavy shape and color. Radical to the bone. Songs that cut you to the bone. Renegades in all degrees, doing songs that would never decay, and still resound to this day. Oh, yeah, I'd rather have Sam Phillips' blessing any day. iii) You feel like an impostor, when someone says something you know you're not, like you're a prophet, or a saviour. Elvis, yes, I could easily want to become him. iv) I went over my whole life. I went over my whole childhood. I didn't talk to anyone for a week after Elvis died. If it wasn't for Elvis and Hank Williams, I couldn't be doing what I do today. v) When I first heard Elvis's voice I just knew that I wasn't going to work for anybody and nobody was going to be my boss. He is the deity supreme of rock and roll religion as it exists in today's form. Hearing him for the first time was like busting out of jail. I think for a long time that freedom to me was Elvis singing 'Blue Moon of Kentucky.' I thank God for Elvis. vi) I liked Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley recorded a song of mine. That's the one recording I treasure the most ... it was called &quot;Tomorrow Is a Long Time.&quot; I wrote it but never recorded it.
** 2016 Nobel Prize for Literature [[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]] i) speaking about those who influenced his life and music, as part of his acceptance speech after being named the 2015 MusiCares's Person of the Year and as delivered at the Gala organized by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences at the Los Angeles Convention Center on 6 February, 2015. iii) in response to a question from CBS correspondent Ed Bradley, who asked him how he saw himself in his early years, as told in a one hour special retrospective on his life, entitled &quot;Dylan looks back&quot; and broadcast in the December 5, 2004 edition of &quot;60 Minutes&quot; iv) as published in www.graceland.com v) US magazine, 24 August 1987 vi) Rolling Stone magazine interview November 29, 1969

== E ==
* I remember him working on the next stage, always with an entourage of about 15 guys. And I also recall that everybody was doing fast draw – that was the gimmick then. Who was the fastest gun? I was particularly good at it and I can remember taking on Elvis. He was a good guy. And we knew each other and, at that time, we both felt were on the brink of really going somewhere.
** {{w|Clint Eastwood}}, recalling his early friendship with Elvis, in an interview with Marty Palmer for the Mail, on Sunday 17 January 2011

* He's one of the three greatest of all-time along with Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Michael Eavis}}, founder and organiser of the annual {{w|Glastonbury Festival}}, in reference to [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]], whom he hosted at his festival in 1971, as told to his daughter {{w|Emily Eavis}}, and reported in an article published on October 2, 2018 at Radio X's online page.

* In 1971, at a hotel,  he treated me like a peer, just a great guy. So cool, great manners. I had seen him first in Phoenix in 1956,  and we sat at the Grand Stand at the Fairgrounds, so  girls are climbing on top of the fence. And then a car enters through the race track, stops, girls are gouing crazy, Then nothing, until the door pops open and he gets out and on to the stage,  starts singing,  man that was exciting., What a  great way to come in a show. I  was country, but seeing this, I turned into rock, because Elvis was the one who defined and made it huge.
** Guitarrist [[w:Duane Eddy|Duane Eddy]] in a youtube video entitled Hangin' with Elvis. How Duane Eddy turned from COUNTRY to ROCK N' ROLL

* He was a lovely, lovely human being, gentle, kind, and I loved his music.
** [[w:Barbara Eden|Barbara Eden]], one of Elvis' co-stars in ̊&quot;Flaming Star&quot;, as published in Starsat60's March 21, 2019 edition.

* A musician who also felt the power of Presley's Madison Square Garden shows was [[w:Paul Stanley|Paul Stanley]], the rhythm guitarist and primary lead vocalist of the rock band Kiss who, as a struggling musician and part-time cab driver at night took numerous customers to, and from the Garden during the three days of Presley's NYC engagement. Hearing about and feeling the excitement directly from those who shared his numerous rides made him think very seriously about his future career, promising himself to one day fill the Garden, something which he accomplished with his band in early February 1977, some 5 months before Presley's death.
** [[w:Bruce Eder|Bruce Eder]], as noted in Wikipedia's page on the 1972 album Elvis as recorded at Madison Square Garde

* I was talking with Elvis' manager, and he said, ‘Come on up to my room, and you can meet him.’ I've had people up to my room when I've been on the road who have turned out to be boors, and I didn't want to do that to him. So I said, ‘No, but thank you.’ I figured since we also had the same promoter that I'd be bound to run into him — but then, of course, he died three or four months later so I never did get to meet him.
** [[w:Graeme Edge|Graeme Edge]], drummer for the [[w: The Moody Blues|Moody Blues]], in an interview published on Palm Springs Live on May 30, 2017

* He could sing good. Good singer. Am enormous talent, he had an ability to stri people{s 
** Delta Blues singer and guitarist {{w|David &quot;Honeyboy&quot; Edwards}}, a friend and contemporary of bluesman extraordinaire Robert Johnson, speaking about the white boy that came out of Mississippi and went on to become famous, at a concert the Hale House, in Matunuck, RI on Oct 7, 2010.

* He was a very happy,  joyous kid, great to be around. He had an ability to stir people's souls, an enormous talent. Needless for me to say that he was very dear to my heart
** [[w:Richard Egan (actor)|Richard Egan]] in an interview published by you tube, explaining how different Elvis  was  to what was normally written about him.

* The myth makes it bigger but when you go in there, you know where you are. I've been in many places bigger than that and it ain't the same&quot;
** Photographer {{w|William Eggleston}}, telling Richard Harrington of the Washington Post on December 10, 1983 how he felt about Graceland after photographing it in 1982, as part of the publication of a paperback entitled “Elvis at Graceland”, the visual images of which having been comnmissioned to him, on the recommendation of Andy Warhol, by the Elvis Presley Estate. On April 7, 2021, almost 4 decades after that assignment, a set made up of just 11 of those prints was auctioned at Phillips in New York, hammering at US$226,000

* I ask him what it's like to know that he's now part of a franchise that will outlive him. It's an impossible question for him to answer, and when he does it, he endears himself to me forever by quoting [[w:Lester Bangs|Lester Bangs]]’s 1977 obituary for Elvis Presley, which doubled as a eulogy for the community bred by shared reverence. “At the end of it, Bangs is like, ‘We’re not gonna ever have this again, so instead of saying goodbye to Elvis, I’ll say goodbye to you,’ ”
** About {{w|Alden Ehrenreich}}, lead actor in &quot;Solo: A Star Wars Story&quot;, which focuses on the character's early years, in an interview for Esquire's April 24, 2018 edition.

* I can remember sitting in front of my television set at age 25 and watching the Elvis special. I already knew that I could never do what he did as an artist, but seeing that show had a great deal to do with my dreams of having a career in television production.
**{{w|Kenneth Ehrlich}}, television producer for the 2019 NBC special honouring the 50th anniversary of the 1968 Elvis special, in an article published by Variety on December 3, 2018.
 
* When I was seven years old, I saw Elvis Presley on TV. That hit me as to why I wanted to play music. Through a succession of different instruments, I ended up with the guitar.Then when I was 24, I heard my first mandolin player, Jethro Burns, at a bluegrass festival in Indiana. Those two and Bill Monroe, of course, were my main, early influences.
**[[w:List of bluegrass bands|Eight of January]]'s Bob Knysz, lead singer and mandolin player, recalling his influences for the Marietta Daily Journal' s January 2, 2019 edition, in an article entitled &quot;The Boys of Bluegrass: Georgia band gets set to pull some strings&quot;

* My girlfriends and I are writing all the way from Montana. We think it's bad enough to send Elvis Presley to the army, but if you cut his sideburns off, we will just die. You don't know how we feel about him, I really don't see why you have to send him in the Army at all, but we beg you please please don't give him a G.I. hair cut, oh please please don't! If you do, we will just about die!
** Letter, one of thousands, sent to US Pres. {{w|Dwight Eisenhower}} after Elvis was drafted and signed by then 8th graders Linda Kelly, Sherry Bane and Micky Mattson. Original now at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington DC

* Some of the mossbacks of our city, who haven't had a youthful thought since the Civil War, say that rock and roll music is the theme song of juvenile delinquency and that Elvis Presley is making ‘dead end kids’ out of the whole generation. Nothing could be more idiotic. It is supposed to be perfectly all right for every bald-headed man in American to drool as Marilyn Monroe goes slithering across the pages of our time on the arm of husband number three. But the very moment that youth dance and Elvis shakes his left leg a bit, it's supposed to be juvenile delinquency of the worst sort.
** Reverend James H. Elder of Mullins' Methodist Church in Memphis, in an interview with the Toronto Star on July 7, 1956.

* Rock n' roll won't last. Labels don't make money on long play albums. No single artist is worth $35,000. That's what the majority believed when Elvis Presley signed on RCA's dotted line and released his debut self-titled album in March of 1956. The bulk of RCA ’s rock n’ roll gamble was recorded in Nashville and augmented with a few previously unreleased SUN selections to round out the platter. I could argue that the chemistry between Elvis, guitarist Scotty Moore, and bassist Bill Black was put through the washin' machine once the Blue Moon Boys went to RCA– but I'd probably lose the debate. Even for hardcore rockabilly enthusiasts who consider SUN the alpha and omega, it's hard to fault the version of “Money Honey” or lambast the album's cover of Ray Charles' iconic (if misogynistic) “I Got A Woman”. The crown jewel of the album is the lead track, “Blue Suede Shoes”. In fact, Elvis Presley became the first rock n' roll album to sell a million copies, shattering industry notions, establishing Elvis as the genre's first megastar, and for good or ill, changed popular music forever after.
** [[w:The 11th Hour (newspaper)| The 11th Hour]]'s laud of Elvis first album, released in 1956, as published on their ̊̊&quot;Do This&quot; column dated January 21, 2019.

* Now tell me all about Elvis Presley? Will he come to England?'&quot;
** [[w:Queen Elizabeth II|Queen Elizabeth II]]'s question to UK actress Suzzanna Leigh, whom she knew had recently co-starred with Elvis, who in turn she admired tremendously, as Her Majesty greeted guests on the line-up to the Royal Film Variety Performance Gala in 1966. Almost thirty years after Elvis died, she confided to UK TV and radio personality Terry Wogan her favourite Presley song was the laughing version of &quot;Are you lonesome Tonight&quot;, as told in an interview held at the HQ of the BBC's Broadcasting House on April 20, 2006.

* And here this entity was standing in the doorway, this black suit on, and there was absolutely a dead silence in the room, just like somebody had sucked all of the air out of it. And he came in and stood behind a chair, and Dad got up and walked around and shook hands with him, and he sat down at the end of the table. And then the sergeant-at-arms from the legislature, they were meeting in a joint session, which meant that the Senate and the House of Representatives all came together there. And the galleries were filled with people screaming. And when the sergeant-of-arms came down and said it was time for Dad and Elvis to go on upstairs to the legislature, that was when Elvis came up and sat down next to me, the sergeant-of-arms said, 'Okay, time to go,' Elvis says, 'You're going, aren't you?' And I said, 'No, I'm not gonna be a part of this'. And he says, 'Yeah, I need for you to go'. And I said, 'I don't think I'm supposed to go. There's not seats arranged up there for me, and seats were a premium, believe me'. And he said, 'Yeah, you've got to go'. He grabs my hand, and Dad gives the nod, it's okay, go ahead, you know. And here we go, out through the crowd, down the hallway, up the steps, and then into the opening, and the Speaker of the House, Mr. James Bomar announced that Elvis Presley would be presented to the House of Representatives. At first I was somewhat nervous around him. I mean the persona was so immense, you know. And then it didn't take long though, when he became comfortable with you, that all of that just dissipated. And it was just like you had known him forever...
** Ann Ellington, daughter of Tennessee Gov. [[w:Buford Ellington|Buford Ellington]], describing her delight after being asked by Elvis to accompany him during his address at the TN State Legislature on March 8, 1961.

* Having those voices surround me as I sang was the most indescribable feeling I had ever experienced. Now I understand why this means so much to you.
** [[w:Cass Elliot|Cass Elliot]], of the Mamas and the Papas, after having asked Elvis why did he sing Gospel music, over and over after his shows, and Elvis challenging her to do so herself, with the backing of his gospel quartet, which they did.

* In January 1971, I was attending a conference on the 10 Outstanding Young Men of America, which that year was held in Memphis, Tennessee. Elvis Presley was one of the ten being honored and then-congressman George H.W. Bush was the guest speaker. At the end of the program, Bush ran up to Presley and shook his hand. I was able to photograph the encounter. So years later I said, &quot;Oh my gosh. I was right up there on Elvis but I didn’t realize how important Bush was going to be. I met Presley later at the conference and hoped to get a photo with him, but I got his autograph instead. The truth is I wimped at the last moment when I met him that night in the receiving line...
** Gordon Elliot, who took the photograph of {{w|George H. W. Bush}} with Elvis, on the day the future US President was the guest speaker who read the citation naming Elvis one of America's 10 outstanding young men, as published by the Springsfield Newsleader on the day the former President was laid to rest, December 5, 2018

* I was fourteen when I met him and took photos of him. One morning, I persuaded my mother to drive before daylight to where I believed Elvis was filming on location. A pink Cadillac with Tennessee plates, parked outside of an unassuming house told me my hunch was right. Elvis suddenly strolled out and up to me and began nonchalantly chatting. He had an amazing aura as he almost seemed to float, not walk towards me. I then told him about how neighborhood kids had made fun of my adulation for him. The blood rushed to my head and I could feel myself blushing as my mother blurted out to Elvis, &quot;Oh, you have no idea how many days he would come home from school having been in fights to defend you!&quot; &quot;I'll teach you something to take care of that,&quot; Elvis grinned.&quot;Karate?&quot; I asked.&quot;Yeah.&quot;Well, I had no idea what karate really was. I only knew the term because I had read so much about Elvis' fascination with the sport. I had some idea that it had to do with judo. He never mentioned the offer when I saw him over the next month or so. As we sat around and chatted Elvis' moods seemed to roller coaster regularly. Oh, he was always friendly, always sweet but you could see lonely wash up regularly. All these years later, I am still starry-eyed as I fondly remember the softly spoken and seemingly shy Elvis behaving like a comforting big brother.
** Ronny Elliot, country singer/songwriter and Tampa native, recalling the time he spent a few days with Elvis during the filming of {{w|Follow that dream}}, as noted in WMNF̪s 10 January 2019 edition.

* As a teenager in England, the first record I ever owned was a 78rpm copy of Elvis' Tutti Frutti/Blue Suede Shoes. I became a huge fan and was always first in line at my local record store to buy his new singles. To me he was the absolute epitome of a star. He never toured in the UK, so in 1969, when I was on the road with Jethro Tull, we made the pilgrimage from Los Angeles to Las Vegas to see his performance at the International Hotel. That evening stands out as a milestone event in my life.
**[[w:Terry Ellis (record producer)|Terry Ellis]], English record producer and co-founder of music publishing company Chrysalis Music, in his company's Facebook page.

* To quote Elvis Presley my favorite artist, &quot;Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.&quot;
**{{w|Christina El Moussa}}, US real estate investor and TV personality, in reference to her boyfriend, UK TV personality [[w:Ant Anstead|Ant Anstead]], as reported by Today, on October 29, 2018.

* After his midnight show on August 24, 1974, tired of the racist implications inherent in the white angels mounted on the huge walls of the Hilton Showroom, Elvis used a ladder and with the help of {{w|Jerry Schilling}}, proceeded to paint them all black, save for one, who he said represented Jerry, then in a serious relationship with one of his backing singers, Myrna Smith of the African American group the {{w|Sweet Inspirations}}. He then also painted one of the decorative eighteenth century, court-of-Louis-XIV ladies also hanging on the showroom wall black, to represent Myrna. On the next day and in nearly all of the succeeding shows, he jokingly compared himself to [[w:Michelangelo|Michelangelo]], painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The Hilton management, which had nothing to do with the placing of the angels and or the ladies, this being done by the art designers hired by the previous management under [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]], could only listen...
** Elvis Presley Pedia, published on August 24, 2004.

* For Mrs. Clinton to suggest I was telling Barbara Bush personal stories about the Clintons is extreme paranoia. First, I would never ever do such a thing, and second, anyone who knows Barbara Bush knows she would never tolerate or listen to such nonsense. What was interesting was Bill Clinton's allergies to Christmas trees, George H.W. Bush calling himself “Mr. Smooth,&quot; and the large collection of Elvis Presley CDs stored in the East Wing.
** [[w:Christopher Emery|Christopher Emery]], Chief Enterprise Architect for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission and a former White House Usher, as told in his book &quot;White House Usher: Stories from the Inside&quot;

* I'll tell you one thing. One respect I do have for that guy was that, well, obviously he was a great artist. When I was trying to learn &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; for the &quot;Without me&quot; video, I was like &quot;Man, this guy could dance!!&quot;
**[[w:Eminem|Eminem]], in an interview for the Detroit Metro Times, and published on May 13, 2009.

* The first time I laid eyes on him was a couple of years before I met and worked with him. He got out of a white Cadillac, on his way to the theatre he had rented on Memphis, he was on the sidewalk and I was at a distance of three feet from him, and I kept walking and remember thinking that I had never seen a better looking person in my life, like if he wasn't real. He was cute...
** [[w:Bobby Emmons|Bobby Emmons]] keyboard player and member of the American studio staff who produced the Memphis Sessions in 1969, in an interview for YouTube.

*  So his mother Julia took him to services at the St. John Chrysostom Byzantine Catholic Church in Pittsburgh every weekend, several masses back-to-back on Sunday. I filmed in that church where you see the iconostasis that includes several images of saints with gold leaf paint, in very static poses with a gesture. Those look very similar to Andy’s portraits of Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor, and even “Triple Elvis.” Many art historians believe that Andy internalized and absorbed the formal look of those icons and also the almost-glamor that they projected within his world growing up....
** Joshua Encinias of the {{w|Brooklyn Magazine}},   talking  about how Andy Warhol’s Catholic Byzantine faith influenced the iconography of his portraits, as published in their March 10, 2022 online edition 

* When it was announced in early 1958 that Presley had been drafted and would enter the U.S. Army, there was that rarest of all pop culture events, a moment of true grief. More important, he served as the great cultural catalyst of his period, projecting a mixed vision of humility and self-confidence, of intense commitment and comic disbelief in his ability to inspire frenzy. He inspired literally thousands of musicians—initially those more or less like-minded Southerners, from Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins on down, who were the first generation of rockabillies, and, later, people who had far different combinations of musical and cultural influences and ambitions. From John Lennon to Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan to Prince, it was impossible to think of a rock star of any importance who did not owe an explicit debt to Presley.
** {{w|Encyclopædia Britannica}}'s laud on the influence of Elvis Presley (2018 online edition).

* He personified a new form of American popular music in the mid-1950s. Rock and roll was a guitar-based sound with a strong (if loose) beat that drew equally on African American and white traditions from the southern United States, on blues, church music, and country music. Presley’s rapid rise to national stardom revealed the new cultural and economic power of both teenagers and teen-aimed media—records, radio, television, and motion pictures.
** {{w|Encyclopædia Britannica}}'s reference to Elvis as one of the crucial performers in the rock idiom.

* On the sunny side, there was that moment, during Pres. Trump's 2019 State of the Union address, when the place erupted with a gusty/lusty HAPPY BIRTHDAY. This was to honor a man in the audience Trump saluted for valor in surviving first the Holocaust and then the Pittsburgh “Tree of Life” massacre – and now his 81st birthday. There was nearly breakdancing and moonwalking in the balconies of Congress. Decorum be damned. We are Americans. Freedom is our bequest. Frivolity is our nature. I saw the same gusto at the Navy base in Haifa; also for an impromptu birthday. They are Israelis. Their love of life and country runs so deep they can't sit still and prefer to party, as it was that day in America. For where else but in America and Israel would a solemn occasion turn spontaneously to rock and roll? Try that in the parliaments of other countries while the leader speaks, and see who comes out alive. Instead, we insist on joy. We celebrate our freedoms through acts of whimsy. Long ago we traded in their Richard Wagner for our Elvis Presley.
** Writer [[w:Indecent Proposal|Jack Engelhard]], in an article entitled &quot;Dear Dems – bitterness is no way to run a country&quot; and published on the Israel National News February 8, 2019 edition

* I do not think they should meet Elvis through the efforts of any newspaper representative. In my view, the meeting can only be arranged as entirely private and unpublished. It is absolutely inadvisable to allow any pressman or photographer to interview, or take pictures whilst they are in his house.
** Beatles manager [[w:Brian Epstein|Brian Epstein]]'s scrawled notes to the Beatles' road manager Mal Evans on how to organize the meeting between them at Elvis' rented house at 625 Perugia way, Bel Air, CA, an event he attended  and which took place on August 27, 1965, exactly a year before his untimely death. A transcript of the note can be read on &quot;LA Observed&quot;'s August 24, 2015 edition in an article by Ivor Davis, the Beatles' tour reporter.

* The idea of Elvis Presley cherishing the Book of Mormon had captured the popular imagination of Latter-day Saints. The story of this book has been told by fireside speakers, classroom teachers, newspaper columnists, and an independent filmmaker. And the story continues to circulate throughout the market for “uplifting” books and social media. However, after carefully analyzing the historical opportunities for Presley to have read this volume and the handwriting throughout its pages, I affirm that Elvis Presley did not write in this Book of Mormon. A detailed presentation of the analysis with photographic evidence will be published in a forthcoming issue of BYU Studies, but my findings about the book's history, its forged signature, and its forged annotations are as of this moment, final
** Keith A. Erekson, Director of the {{w|Church History Library}} in an article published on the deseret News on November 14, 2018.

* The so called “self-lecture” series meets during one day of the month, allowing anyone to give a lecture in one of our halls on any topic to do with culture — ranging from [[w:Peter the Great|Peter the Great]]'s insistence on exhibiting fleas at the oldest museum in Russia,the [[w:Kunstkamera|Kunstkamera]] all the way to arguing about the finer points of Elvis Presley's music. This is a chance not just for the audience-attendance being always free-to-learn something new and interesting but also for the orator to practice public speaking and get even more immersed in a topic of interest.
** The Erarta Museum in Saint Petersburg's explanation of one of their most effective education projects.

* Yes, life has taught me not to leave anything for tomorrow. I've made a list, some are personal, intimate, others are places I have to visit before I die, like going to Japan, which I did two weeks ago. And, it all actually started when I was at the intensive care unit, and all I kept thinking was that I wasn't going to make it to see Elvis' house.
** [[w:Mikel Erentxun|Mikel Erentxun]] Spanish/French songwriter and singer, after successfully undergoing bypass heart surgery and as published in the Spanish daily &quot;La Razon&quot; on 18 March, 2015 in an article entitled &quot; I thought I would die without seeing Elvis' house&quot;

* In keeping with the spirit of the week, Senator Ernst introduced the &quot;Cost Openness and Spending Transparency Act (COST Act) after a report released this week from the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office (GAO) identified several government projects which did not follow the guidelines, incluiding a $90,000 NIH study focused on a sour cream and onion flavored potato chip resembling Elvis Presley.
** About Iowa Senator [[w:Mikel Erentxun|Mikel Erentxun]]'s 2019 new legislation which requires every project supported with federal funds to include a price tag with its cost that is transparent and easily available for taxpayers,as reported by the KIOW station's March 19,2019 online edition.

* I would occasionally miss the bus that took me from my post back to my living quarters. When that happened, a fellow soldier in my battalion, the most celebrated soldier in the Army, Elvis Presley, who lived a few doors away would offer me a ride. And despite all the hoopla surrounding his military service, he remained remarkably humble and grounded. I'd first met him at Fort Hood in Texas and saw each other every day while we finished training in a M48 tank battalion. After six months, our company was then shipped off to Germany. There Elvis lived a few doors from me. In fact, throngs of German girls camped out in front of his residence. If he revealed in all the attention, he didn’t show it, was kind of on the shy side and wasn’t one to shout out, ‘I’m Elvis Presley the superstar.’ He just kind of kept to himself. But keeping to himself also didn't mean he was aloof. Out in the field, he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty and never shied away from the work that was expected of him, and the rest of the tank company. After our two-year enlistment ended we parted ways and wouldn't see each other again until 1972, a short time before he was to play a concert at the old Chicago Stadium. I knew a Chicago police watch commander who was working security that night and although the police tried to stop us, my wife and I, from getting backstage at first, Elvis saw them and talked with them for a few minutes. It was the last time we would see or talk to him.
** Bob Errant, who served in Elvis' Army tank battalion in Germany

* In 1982, we went to Washington DC, and did the tour of the FBI Building, visited Pres. Kennedy's grave at Arlington Memorial and had our pictures taken outside the White House. From there we went to Graceland. Pablo loved Elvis. While we were there he bought his entire record collection. From that moment on, he played his tapes all the time, even danced like him. In 1991, when we first surrendered to the Colombian Army authorities, that collection was one of the few things he took to prison with him. When we escaped from prison a year later, we could not take it with us even if we had wanted to. The reason? It had been just stolen by a jail mate, something Pablo deeply regretted...
**Roberto de Jesús Escobar Gaviria, older brother of Colombian drug lord and narcoterrorist [[w:Pablo Escobar|Pablo Escobar]], in his book &quot;The Accountant's Story: Inside the Violent World of the Medellín Cartel&quot;

* i) And as a human being? As long as I live, I know I will never see anyone have such a profound effect on people. He could make anyone feel like he was the most important person in the world just by talking with him. He had charisma and charm that is just indescribable and he didn't even have to sing. When Elvis entered a room, you could feel the energy of his presence tingle at your nerves because the power of his magnetism was that intense and Elvis was just as perplexed by this phenomenon as you or I. He was a humble man but keenly aware of his unique gifts and spent most of his life searching the spirituality, over and over throughout his life asking himself, Why me? Since his death I have asked myself the same question, “why me?” and why, of all the people Elvis met in the service, did he pay special attention to me? In fact, why was I even in the Army? Did destiny lead me into the Army for the sole purpose of meeting Elvis Presley? Why was I selected to become “right hand man to the most celebrated entertainer in history, and to be chosen by Elvis Presley as a best man at his wedding? ii) When you worked for Elvis it wasn’t eight hours a day or 10 hours a day. It was 24 hours a day, seven days a week, because we did everything together. went on vacations together, traveled together. Everything we ever did we all did it together.
** Joe Esposito, right hand man to Elvis since their return from the Army, in 1960, until Elvis' death in 1977 ii) New York Times obituary, November 27, 2916.

* &quot;I was in Washington studying music and wanted to meet the perfect boyfriend, get married, etc. But for some reason I also wanted to visit a convent in Nashville but had no money to finance the trip, so a friend who was going to Graceland to pay her respects offered me a ride and, as a result and thank God for Elvis, I became a nun!!
** Sister Rose Mary Esseff, of the {{w|Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia}}, as published in elmundocatlicos- 13 February 2012 edition.

* Alemayehu Eshete is one of the most popular singers to emerge from the golden age of music in the capital Addis Ababa. His “rock n roll funk” stylings and Elvis manner of dress and way of acting has given him “dint of rampant Americanism,” as well as the nickname of The Ethiopian Elvis,
** About Ethiopian Jazz musician [[w:Alemayehu Eshete|Alemayehu Eshete]], as noted by his producer Francis Falceto, in an article entitled &quot;Alemayehu Eshete says he is not retiring&quot; and as published on the Ethiopian Observer's December 2, 2018 edition.

* Well, Jesus and I are Capricorns, and Elvis Preslewas born on the same day as me. I read an article the other day about only children and about they being more successful because they never have to compete for love,
**[[w:Bob Eubanks|Bob Eubanks]], disc jockey, television personality and game show host also known for bringing and producing the Beatles' two tours of California, replying to a question on what was the best and worst thing about being an only child...and a Capricorn, as published on the USA Today's Ventura County Star on August 7, 2018.

* By virtue of Elvis Presley being Mississippi's most beloved son.
** Katie Eubanks of the Clarion-Ledger, explaining why The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts in Richmond lent one of the only two known copies of Andy Warhol's &quot;Triple Elvis&quot; for a show at the Mississippi Museum of Art entitled “Picturing Mississippi.”, which in turn heralds the state 's bicentennial. The other known copy was sold at Christie's in NYC in November of 2014, to the San Francisco MOMA, for US$82 million. (The Ledger, December 1, 2017)

* It had been expected for a half a million dollars to be raised from the music festival which included appearances by Elvis Presley, B.B. King, Mahalia Jackson, the Staple Singers, the Dells and others, including the Rolling Stones. With the money raised, plans had been made to use part of it for some work to be done on the Robert F. Kennedy Park and Playground in Fayette. More than 47 years later, the then Mayor Charles Evers finally revealed that Presley, who along with the Stones did not participate in the festival, had wanted to come and perform there, especially because of his being a huge follower of B.B. King. Evers said he and his brother, Medgar, fought for change because they knew Mississippi would be the greatest state in the nation if that change took place. With the nomination of Evelyn Gandy, James Hardy, Aaron Henry, Ida B. Wells and Elvis he now believes Mississippi is one of the greatest states to live in...
** About civil rights activist {{w|Charles Evers}}'s decision to tell the press about a secret report written in 1969 by the segregationist Mississippi State Sovereignty Commission which had Elvis Presley helping the integrationist cause, the latter after Presley's nomination for the Mississippi Hall of Fame, as detailed in an article entitled &quot;47 years after spy report, Mississippi welcomes Elvis into Hall&quot;, published on the Clarion Ledger on December 12, 2016.

* I guess I should have set a price before I set foot in the boat, but I felt pretty ritzy later that day as we stepped into our gondola. &quot;How much to sing &quot;O Sole Mio?&quot; I asked. I had been taken with the song and Venice since seeing it in movies. If there was one piece of music associated with Venice and its canals, it was this. I knew that Pavarotti had recorded it. So had Caruso. And Mario Lanza. And Elvis Presley, recently released from the Army, had a version written for him called &quot;It's Now Or Never.&quot; Without missing a beat the gondolieri told me, &quot;Sixty dollars, U.S.&quot; He put his oar in the water and we splashed off. He was a pretty good singer, actually, and I imagined that we were in an old MGM Technicolor musical. My wife Roz was smiling and I was thinking, Yeah, this is a magical moment.I thought about imagining this moment from the time I was growing up in Brooklyn, and that I probably never would have wanted anything better. When we had gotten married all those years before, taking a gondola on a Venice canal, listening to &quot;O Sole Mio&quot; and &quot;It's now or never&quot;, it wasn't something I even dared consider. It would have been a fantasy. Now, I was living that fantasy as we held hands and he wound up with a full-throated last note.When the sail ended, I peeled off three twenty-dollar bills, and thanked him. We walked away, humming.
** Gerald Eskenazi, former sports writer for the NYT and current Forbes contributor, recounting his most recent visit to Venice, as published in an article entitled &quot;Enjoying A Gondola Ride in Venice--With Pavarotti And Presley&quot;, published on March 5 2018

* I really am a big Elvis fan – at six foot three I’m one of the biggest. In all the excitement about accompanying the Beatles to their rmeeting with Elvis, I sent my suit to the cleaners to prepare for the big meeting. However, the cleaners had sewn up my pockets where I kept a bunch of guitar picks that I always had on hand for the boys. So, inevitably when Elvis asked for a guitar pick that night, I went into a panic. I couldn’t access the picks in my sewn-up pockets, so I frantically ran into the kitchen and smashed up a bunch of plastic spoons to create makeshift picks. I’d have loved to have given Elvis a pick, have him play it, then got it back and had it framed.
**{{w|Mal Evans}}, the Beatles' road manager recounting his time with Elvis and the Beatles on the night of August 27, 1965, when they met at Elvis' 525 Perugia Way home in Bel Air, CA. It helps understand why on his first visit to Graceland, in 2013, Paul McCartney took a pick, engraved with his initials and placed it alongside his grave, with a tweet that said &quot;So you can play guitar in heaven&quot;. Evans' story was published in an article entitled &quot;When The Beatles met Elvis, who was Presley’s biggest fan?&quot;, on August 26, 2016.

*I remember whan I first saw Elvis, I had been playing guitar since I was 8, so then I saw him I said, WOW, finally people are gonna know what a guitar is. (After him) it was cool to have a guitar around your neck, when before, it wasnt&quot;
**{{w|Don Everly}},from an interview with VIP in 1996.

== F ==
* The moment I first saw him, the presence he had, wow, he was so beautiful, and had such a charisma that no one could even utter a word. Anyways, a couple of days later, at the MGM Commissary, which was a gigantic place, you know, full of stars, directors, I was seated in a table, my back was facing the door, and then everybody started to get up, and they were all rushing outside, so I turned around and you know, when you are trying to look through a glass, with the sun behind you, so you kind of cover your face, and it was Elvis, outside, looking for me, inside, so there he was, at one of the lowest times in his career, and all 700 people, many celebrities themselves, rush and try to meet him. He almost didn't have a chance to survive THAT kind of celebrity...
** [[w:Shelley Fabares|Shelley Fabares]], telling interviewers at MGM how, even in 1965, when they were filming &quot;Girl Happy&quot;, Elvis would cause a riot...

* Then candidate [[w:Joe Biden|Joe Biden]], didnt even run for President in 2020. The press ran for him against Donald Trump. In fact,  there were more Elvis sightings in the summer of 2020 than Biden's sightings 
** Jimmy Failla, a panelist on Fox News's [[w:Outnumbered (American TV program)|Outnumbered]], when  discussing Pres. Biden's 2020 campaign, as broadcast in its April 15, 2022 edition.

* Had he not kissed, he'd be our  Jesus.
** [[w:Adam Faith|Adam Faith]], interviwed by the BBC for the 2002 special &quot;Why there's only one Elvis&quot;

* Elvis Presley would probably have to be my biggest musical influence. After all, he was from the same region as I am and it inspired me to continue my music career into college, even though my major is architecture.
** {{w|Famous Maroon Band}}'s Brittany Roberts, who is 18, commenting for 58Nation on the musician who had the biggest influence on her, as published on their online page on 27 July 2017.

* I was fortunate enough to auction Elvis Presley's jet, which was kind of cool
** Jeffrey Farber, the 2018 Iowa Champion Auctioneer, as told to O.K. Henderson, of Radio Iowa, on August 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley shared the soul of black music's best performers. He was a reflection of our life experience&quot;.
** [[w:Louis Farrakhan|Louis Farrakhan]], in a 1993 statement on the subject Elvis' contribution to the acceptance of black music.

* Teenagers dominated the mid-20th century, the term being invented only in the 1930s, and no one gave them more visibility than Elvis Presley, who began his own career at 18, embodying the teen desire for liberation from their parents' culture and mirroring their more open sexuality, as he gave youth everywhere in the world music to call their own.
** [[w:Paula Fass|Paula Fass]] History Professor at the University of California, at Berkeley, answering &quot;The Atlantic&quot; magazine's Big Question, on who was the most influential teenager of all time, as published in their April, 2015 edition.

* John and Paul hit it off very quickly. There was something both of them had that just locked together. Perhaps it was a crazy kind of attitude towards life, a contemptuous mockery that later became the trademark of the four Beatles, or perhaps it was just a teenage friendship that stuck. As far as John was concerned, Paul was not only a good guitarist – as good as John himself – but he also resembled their mutual idol, Elvis.”
** [[w:Julius Fast|Julius Fast]] in his 1968 book, &quot;The Beatles, the Real Story&quot;.

* Well I did a couple of movies with Elvis, he was really fun to work with, a really nice guy
** Actor [[w:Edward Faulkner|Edward Faulkner]]'s laud of Elvis, in a filmed interview on YouTube

* I have enjoyed a lot of songs of various genres in my life but Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, and John Denver are my favorite American male singers.
** [[w:Feedback (band)|Feedback]]'s Labu Rahman, singer and guitarist for Bangladesh's top rock band, in an interview with the Daily Star and as published on February 2, 2018.

* It's been more than five decades, but there's still such freshness to the recording, such unexpectedness bursting through the familiarity. Scotty Moore and Bill Black, on guitar and upright bass, hang on for all they're worth, trying to keep up with this crazy kid as Elvis's voice – urgent, insinuating – floats out over the beat, a croon that joins joy and nerves and arrogance (already you can hear his sneer), and that voice turns almost spectral as it slides into its upper register whenever it comes to allll ri-iiiiii-ght. (Forget “E pluribus unum’’ or “In God we trust.’’ The words that should appear on our currency are “That’s all right. What I was hearing transcended beauty...
** [[w:Mark Feeney|Mark Feeney]], in his article, &quot;Elvis at 75: Can we ever again see the performer, not the punch line?&quot;, as published on January 3, 2010 at BOSTONCOM

* At that moment, Ali seemed to me to be not so much a measuring stick against other great heavyweights such as Louis, Jack Dempsey and Rocky Marciano,    as of Elvis Presley. Elvis was the King of Rock ’n’ Roll, The Greatest in his own sphere, a man who was both drawn to and repelled by the limelight he so easily attracted. And I wondered if the golden cage of fame, sought by many, attained by few, was all it was cracked up to be when Muhammad Ali embarked on his quest to put himself on a pedestal unknown to any boxer. In 1993, the United States Postal Service conducted a nationwide poll to determine which version of Elvis Presley should appear on a commemorative stamp. One version was of the 1956 lean and hip-swiveling Elvis; the other was the 1970s sequin-jump-suited and noticeably plumper Las Vegas model. The vote was, of course, a landslide for the young Elvis. Were a similar vote be put to the American public for an Ali stamp, one being the young, sleek and impossibly gifted boxer who did things no heavyweight had done before or since, or the older, retired Ali who was cited for his humanitarian and philanthropic contributions to society, the outcome would be as preordained as had been the one for Elvis. That class of humanitarians and philanthropists might be in short supply, but they still are more plentiful than individuals who can perform feats of athletic excellence that can make mere mortals gasp in amazement.
**  Bernard Fernandez, in an article entotled BEING AROUND THE GREATEST, MUHAMMAD ALI REMEMBERED, as pu8lished in  [[w:The Ring (magazine)|The Ring]]'s January 17, 2022 edition.

* People say  “If Elvis had been a more astute businessman or taken more interest in the workings of his career, he would have been a much bigger star.” But God Almighty, he made more money than anybody I know of. And next to Jesus and Coca-Cola, nothing’s any better known than Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Memphis Mafia|Lamar Fike]], as excerpted from Alana Nash's book  “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia”

* Not wanting to spoil anyone's party, but in the context of the Grand Bear market of that time, and it certainly was a Very Grand Global Bear Market, the demise of Lehman Brothers was by no means the most important event, and it happened quite late on the timeline as well. Today, books have been written and the event features in a number of documentaries, while the question &quot;Where were you when Lehman went bankrupt?&quot; sits right up there with 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall and the death of Elvis Presley.
** Rudi Filapek-Vandyck, founder and Editor of FNArena, a major supplier of supplier of financial, business and economic news, analysis and data services for small and large investors dealing with the Australian Stock market, in a article entitled Ten Years On, The World Is Still Turning, published in LiveWire's October 3 2018's online edition.

* I want him to have an earring hanging from his tongue. He is the REAL love of my life. When I am with him, and I walk with him, is like being with Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Carrie Fisher|Carrie Fisher]], speaking about the love of his life, her dog Gary, in an interview with Vulture.com, published three months before her death.

* Nobody ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and all I wanted to be was Elvis Presley. But listening to Elvis was not allowed.
** [[w:Dudu Fisher|Dudu Fisher]], top Israeli tenor and cantor as told to the audience at the Chabad Jewish Center of Monroe, LA, and as reported by The Cranbury Press on September 29, 2011

* It's like people saying Elvis Presley was only famous because he was white. He had, y'know, the rhythm of James Brown but he had his own thing. He was Elvis, he wasn't just a white man. Things like that are going to be picked up between black people and white people and anybody, it doesn't mean a person is or isn't great because they're influenced by something associated with another race. It doesn't matter. Anyway, that period was different, like when he was there, they were stopping everything, and he had the moment for real. While I'm here, its not all about 50 Cent, but it was all about Elvis.”
** Rapper [[w:50 Cent|50 Cent]], in an interview with Noisey to talk about his upcoming album, Animal Ambition, as published at Noisey.vice.com on March 19, 2014.

* No, because Vince  is Elvis Presley. Elvis never did Johnny Carson even once. I get asked more about what kind of guy Vince McMahon is than anybody else in the wrestling business.
** [[w:Ric Flair|Ric Flair]] on why [[w:Vince McMahon|Vince McMahon]] should not do interviews, as published in Ringside News´ March 16, 2022 edition. 

* I learned music listening to Elvis' records. His measurable effect on culture and music was even greater in England than in the States.&quot;
** [[w:Mick Fleetwood|Mick Fleetwood]], as published in www.graceland.com

* As a youngster I discovered what I could do almost by accident. I grew up in Lima, where my father was a folk singer and my mother managed a pub that presented live music. So,as a teenager, I would sometimes sing a variety of popular songs from Elvis Presley onwards. I was drawn to music from the start so I started guitar lessons at 11 and began to learn music theory at about 14. Then I started to write my own songs but always this was pop-oriented. It was only when I entered the National Music Conservatory at age 17, that I started to discover classical music. In fact, I came late to classical music, preferring instead pop music and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Juan Diego Florez|Juan Diego Florez]], Peruvian tenor, thought of being the successor of Luciano Pavarotti, in an article published on the Independent on May 7, 2010 and entitled Opera's superstar: Why Juan Diego Flórez is the heir to Pavarotti

* From his eerie 1954 reading of “Blue Moon” up to 1976's “Hurt,” Elvis established himself as a pre-eminent ballad singer, something a lot of people forget in the flurry to hail his anarchic rock material. “It Hurts Me” from 1963 isn't the first great ballad of his career, but it's one of the finest. Recorded in Nashville at the same session which yielded his supple version of Chuck Berry's “Memphis, Tennessee,” “It Hurts Me” fuses Elvis' love for gospel melisma with the heartache of a lover forced to stand on the sidelines of a romance. He approaches the song — a forebearer of the Four Seasons' “Silence Is Golden” — at first delicately, as if he's afraid any force would snap the song's tension. By the second bar, the song is all tension, with the pain of watching the right woman with the wrong man becoming too much to bear. When the roaring finale comes sweeping through, its two minutes and some-odd seconds seem to have encompassed a lifetime of anguish.
** John Floyd, for MEMPHIS, THE CITY MAGAZINE, reviewing the subject of Elvis the balladeer, in an article entitled Did Elvis saved the best for last_ and re/published on August 26, 2018.

* Mickey Mantle's mystique is unquantifiable. He's like Clint Eastwood and Elvis Presley. There's something there. An aura. The manliness of all three of them. Each of them is a classic in their field.
** Marshall Fogel, the world's top collector of baseball memorabilia, commenting for Forbes magazine, on June 24, 2018, the arrival at the Colorado Center Museum of a US$10m 1952 Mickey Mantle Card and not just in an armored car, but after its having been insured for $12m.

* I remembers watching the Elvis special when it aired in December 1968, just as my band was beginning to erupt as a major force in rock &amp; roll. In fact,we released our first Top 40 hit, “Suzie Q,” that same year. Many people my age, especially after the Beatles, had kind of pushed Elvis aside a little bit. And that was the neat thing about the special — there was Elvis, your long lost friend, looking really good and sounding good. It was great to have him back.
** [[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], front man of the Creedence Clearwater Revival, on how he reacted to the 1968 Special at the beginning of his career, in an interview with Rolling Stone and published in their February 13,2019 edition.

*  Alas, no paths crossed with Elvis. Shucks
** [[w:Jane Fonda|Jane Fonda]]' reply to her mega fan Leonard Quintana's  question on whether she had ever crossed paths with Elvis, as recorded in her  official blog on February 22, 2010 

* The public's imagination was caught by Elvis through two things: his unique ability to synthesize all American music styles and his fantastic interpretive qualities as a vocalist; that he managed to keep the public's attention after the music began to suffer, is due to his remarkable charisma, an unparalleled force that was stronger than any ten other men in his peer group; (while) it's the charisma that allowed him to get away with covering substandard songs like &quot;A Little Less Conversation,&quot; (1968), it's his musical ability alone that elevated it to a status it didn't deserve, creating something so endearing that the simplest of remix jobs could make it sound contemporary, a quarter-century after his death; he may always be a punchline to some people, but the continuing evolution of our fascination with the King has to do with his ability to reinvent himself every time he's heard; even, apparently, from beyond.
** Robert Fontenot, music historian and critic at www.about.com, commenting on JXL's re-mix of &quot;A little less conversation&quot;, which topped the world's charts in 2002.

* He was a cultural icon and his legacy spilled over into the culinary world.
** Addie Gundry, one of the The {{w|Food Network Star}}'s thirteenth season contestants, explaining some of Elvis' favourite recipes in an article entitled &quot;Retro recipes from a 'Food Network Star' published on the Herald Palladium on February 14, 2014

* It’s big, full of color and pattern and imbued with the outsized personality of its most famous owner. Graceland, Elvis Presley’s home in Memphis, Tennessee, is the second-most visited house museum in the U.S., with over 600,000 visitors a year. Only the White House sees more tourists.
** [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine's real estate contributor Regina Cole, in her article entitled ̊&quot;The Dichotomy Of Elvis' Graceland, America's True House Museum&quot;&quot;, as published on their August 9, 2018, online edition.

* After the Second World War's boosts, top tax rates wouldn’t dip below 90% until 1964, when they plunged to 77%, remaining in that range until 1982, when they dropped to 50%. In comparison, for the tax 2013, the top tax bracket is 39.6%, kicking in at $400,000. Elvis remained in the spotlight since 1956 until his death, and he continued to tour despite health problems related to his lifestyle. Even when he didn’t tour, he made money, as was the case in the early 60′s, when despite having no personal appearances, he earned $5 million a year ($40,000,000 in today’s dollars). By 1973, he was still raking in money and, as if to give credit to his manager's assertion (&quot;I consider it my patriotic duty to keep Elvis up in the 90 percent tax bracket&quot;, was Col. Parker's motto), he was allegedly the top taxpayer in the country.
** [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine's Senior Editor Kelly Phillips Erb, in her article &quot;Elvis Presley Topped Charts And Tax Brackets&quot; as published in their Aug 16, 2013 edition

* Elvis Presley was a masterful vocal artist. I really do appreciate what Elvis was able to do.
** [[w:Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]], on whether or not Elvis Presley is his favorite singer, for GMA News, as published on October 1, 2017.

* During this trip, Dean Nichopoulos was injured on the slopes, requiring a visit to the local hospital. Upon realizing, from a look at his insurance card, that he must have been related to Elvis Presley's doctor, the nurse mockingly asked, “So where is Elvis?” without realizing that the ski mask-clad who was standing right in front of her was precisely Elvis. When she pointedly asked of him, “And who are you?” he calmly replied, “The Lone Ranger.” The nurse, having none of what she thought were just shenanigans, simply went about her business. Because of safety reasons, Elvis appeared on the slopes only in the evenings and in a rented skimobile, with his nighttime adventures prompting a then 19 year old college student by the name of Susan Ford to complain to the US Secret Service and the local police of local violations by Elvis.
** About the reaction of [[w:Susan Ford|Susan Ford]]̪, only daughter of the then sitting President of the United States, [[w:Gerald Ford|Gerald Ford]] to Elvis night skying during one of her visits to Vail, and which prompted the National Enquirier to report it in an article entitled “It’s Elvis, the Nightstalker.” as published on their January 11, 1976 edition.
* On Wednesday August 22 1956, Colonel Parker called me to report to the bungalow where Elvis was rehearsing 'Love Me Tender' with Ken Darby, the film's music director. They also had to choose some hoedown numbers to be featured in the picture. As we were ready to leave, there was a change in tempo and Elvis sang,&quot;We're gonna move&quot; a lively spiritual. As he stood standing next to the grand piano with Mr. Darby playing – with his head back and thick dark hair tumbling over his eyes, Elvis was oblivious to those around him. When we all left the bungalow, (I noticed) he walked in front.
** [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Trude Forsher]] personal secretary to Elvis and his manager, in her 2006 book entitled &quot;The Love Me Tender Years Diary&quot;

* It was scientist [[w:Isaac Newton|Isaac Newton]] who told us in his &quot;Three Laws Of Motion&quot; that each action has an equal and opposite reaction. One could say the same about the behaviour of human societies. Glance at history and you will see what I mean. The Regency period, with an example of a randy slob who later became George IV, was a time of loose morals and widespread immorality. Then came the Victorian era. This we are told was a time of rigid prudishness. That lasted for more than a hundred years. I recall it as a provincial shopkeeper's son in the 1940s. Back then, respectability was all. When did British society revert to its natural preference for randiness? There were three impulses. One was the arrival of The Pill. &amp;shy;Another was the arrival of marijuana. And yet another was the arrival in the mid-1950s of pop music. I recall the utter horror of the older generation and the forecasts of the end of civilisation and teenage girls swooning at the wildly gyrating hips of Elvis Presley. The pop fraternity was king and the pop stars “screwed around”. In short I wish the sudden legion of moralists (where have they been all these years of Playboy and Penthouse?) would put two short words on their bucket list of chores to accomplish before they drop off the perch. A simple resolution: Grow Up.
** Author and CBE {{w|Frederick Forsyth}}, in an article entitled &quot;We need grown-up thinking on morality&quot;, as published in The Express on February 10, 2018.

* I felt like I was meeting Elvis Presley or the president.
** Leeann Fortenberry, in reference to how she felt meeting Dr {{w|Adrian R. Krainer}}, a Uruguayan-American Biochemist who chairs the Cancer and Molecular Biology Department at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in New York and who is currently treating her daughter Faith, a sixth grader, with Spinraza, the first and only US- FDA approved medication to treat a form of muscular dystrophy she lives with called SMA Type 2, in an interview aired by Channel 10, KWT on November 8, 2018.

* Art didn't quite hear what all the fuss was about (he even asked, “What kind of a name is that?”), but he went with an offer for the contract. He then called me a few days later saying there's no way he's pay what Sam Phillips wanted — $50,000. His highest offer was $35,000, so I said, ‘Art, you can give him $500,000, it won’t matter, you’ll make it back on the first record&quot; Then “He said, ‘You’re insane.’ I said, ‘Possibly, never had to debate that, but I know what I’m telling you.'” Art never went above $35,000, Elvis' contract went to RCA for $40,000, and the rest is history.
** [[w:Fred Foster|Fred Foster]], record producer and founder of Monument Records, commenting on his unsuccessfully trying to convince Mercury Records marketing director Art Talmadge to sign Elvis in November of 1955, as published on Wide Open Country, on 28 November 2016.

* I started singing in 1967. My brother had a song book which contained songs of Elvis Presley so we used to share the songs and I would imitate a lot of English songs. This helped me when I went to Victoria Falls Casino Hotel where I would sing and entertain whites in the early 1970s. I joined The Four Brothers in 1983 and that is when we recorded ‘Zvinonaka Zvinodhura’ and the following year, we did the ‘Tosangana Ikoko’ album which had eight tracks.
** Patrick Mukwamba from the [[w:Four Brothers (band)|Four Brothers]], Zimbabwe's most successful music band. as reported by the Mail, on 27 October 2017

* It was the best thing that ever happened ... to me I mean.
** Comedian [[w:Redd Foxx|Redd Foxx]], on being one of the few who attended Presley's wedding, as noted in his biography, ''Black &amp; Blue: The Redd Foxx Story''.

* I remember seeing David playing in a local band before I even went to the school since my dad was David's art teacher. I remember seeing this band play on the school steps and this thing with hair sticking straight up and playing the saxophone doing Elvis Presley songs. I looked at my dad and said, “Dad, who is that?” He said, “Oh, that’s Jones.” I said, “I want to be him&quot;
** [[w:Peter Framton|Peter Frampton]],in a Rolling Stone interview, recalling how he first got really hooked into rock music by seeing a very young David Bowie play Elvis, as published in their 23 February 2019 edition.

* A few months after I released my version of &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot;, RCA released Elvis' version and sales of mine crushed. By sheer chance, I had a encounter with him in California, a few years later. so I confronted him over the issue and told him his version had cost me a lot of money. After explaining that he had not been aware that his song was going to be released, he just quietly got out his checkbook and wrote me a check. I was still upset so I didn't look at it until several months later when Christmas was approaching and money in my family was tight. Worse, my mother had already scraped together what little money she had so she could buy presents for our family at that time. Except she didn't really buy the presents because she only had enough money to put them away in layaway. Anyways, I unfolded the check and let me tell you, I had never seen that many zeros on a check before. It was for US$10,000 (the equivalent of US$80,000 in 2017 dollars). I then took just US$50 dollars for myself, and sent the rest to my mother. And they never had a better Christmas.
** [[w:Carol Fran|Carol Fran]], soul blues singer, pianist and songwriter, as noted by Roy Black in an article entitled HOW ROOTS MUSIC MADE ME BECOME A FASHION WRITER, and ´published on Awaiting the Flood on September 26, 2013.

* When Elvis heard me sing this song in Las Vegas in late August of 1958, he became so emotional that he had to leave the show. The next day, he sent me two dozen yellow roses with a note explaining that he had just lost his mother and hearing me sing 'Mama' was more that he could bear
** [[w:Connie Francis|Connie Francis]],in an interview for Newsmax as published on 30 September, 2017.

* While His Holiness' collection is mostly made up of Classical music, it also includes an old album of Édith Piaf’s greatest hits; Argentine tango tunes, especially by [[w:Astor Piazzolla|Astor Piazzolla]] and a 25-disc collection of Elvis Presley’s Gospel songs-
**[[w:Pope Francis|Pope Francis]]' music taste and record collection, as noted by Cardinal [[w:Gianfranco Ravasi|Gianfranco Ravasi]],   in America's January 13, 2022 edition. ,

* My mom was a huge Elvis fan, she's always, ever since I can remember, always had small Elvis dolls and random Elvis memorabilia around the house. Growing up, I finally asked her why she decided to name me Elvis, and originally, she was going to name me Gregory. But she had a dream two weeks before I was born that she was at an Elvis concert and her newborn baby was at the concert as well. So instead of Gregory, she decided to call me Elvis. Yeah, she was about as big of an Elvis fan as possible.
** Dr. [[w:Elvis Francois|Elvis Francois]], an orthopedic surgeon resident at the Mayo Clinic, telling reporter Ann Halliwell of the Post Bulletin the reason he was named Elvis as published on the paper's 30 December 2018 edition in an article entitled. &quot;Why a Mayo surgery resident is always singing on the job&quot;

* If you're ever in Japan, consider a trip to &quot;Chineskikan&quot;,two hours outside Tokyo in the city of Chichibu. The museum is the only one of its kind ion the world, dedicated entirely to rocks that look like human faces. Owned and operated by Yoshiko Hayama, &quot;Chineskikan&quot; is home to some of the most spectacular stones nature has to offer, with rocks that resemble everyone from Elvis Presley to E.T.
** Mark Fraunfelder, in a film entitled &quot;Enter Japan’s Museum of Rocks With Faces&quot;, as published on &quot;Boeing Boeing&quot; on February 1, 2018.

* I was just really getting started good when he came out. I loved his work. He was one of a kind. People talk about somebody being big, and people will compare them to Elvis, but there's never been another Elvis. I never got to meet him, but I talked to him on the phone one time. He was looking for a song, and he told me he loved 'Chain of Fools' and he asked me if I could write a similar song for him. I tried, but all I could think about was the other song and I never could write it. That's the closest I got to meeting him.&quot;
** [[w:Dallas Frazier|Dallas Frazier]],telling the Boot about the day he almost met Elvis, as published on their August 16, 2012 edtion.

* We are still considering names, but since the twins were born on Elvis' birthday, I guess that for now we can call the little boy Prince Elvis.
** HRH Crown Prince [[w:Frederik, Crown Prince of Denmark|Frederik]] of Denmark, in jokingly speaking to the press on the day his wife HRH, Crown Princess Mary gave birth to twins. Moments later, the press asked Her Majesty Queen Margrethe II (who incidentally had met Presley at the Paramount Studio in 1960) if she, as the grandmother, alas, as the Queen, could confirm what her son had just said. She was noncommittal, but it was later learnt that no Prince or Princess in line to be King or Queen of Denmark can be given any name which is not that of another King or Queen, respectively.}, and as reported on January 8, 2011, in Hola magazine.

* He's really the only white man who can sing the blues. He's got a real feeling to it, which comes from the contact he had as a child with negroes
** [[w:Alan Freed|Alan Freed]], disc jockey and radio personality credited with launching the term &quot;rock and roll&quot;, circa 1950, as excerpted from an interview with Anita Behrnam in an article entitled “What Alan Freed really thinks about Rock and Roll&quot;, published on the October 1958 issue of the &quot;People Weekly&quot; magazine, (p.22), and in response to Ms. Behrnam's question on how he felt about Presley, then serving in the US Army in Germany.

* I was discharged today and I'm doing very well, feel real good. I just would like thank the staff at Elvis Presley Trauma Center and many, many thanks to all the well-wishers. It's great to know people care about you.
** {{w|Morgan Freeman}} in an interview to E Entertainment News, just after his release from treatment and full recovery at the EP Trauma Center in Memphis, TN, on August 5, following a car accident three days earlier.

* Freddy had two people in a pedestal, Elvis Presley and John Lennon. Those were the people he thought made a difference in music and he would never had dreamed he would be put in the same pedestal alongside them. I think he got his wish...
** {{w|Peter Freestone}}, personal assistant to Freddy Mercury, in an interview with El Nuevo Dia and published on September 4, 2016

* As far as I'm concerned, I hope this rage passes as quickly as it has spring up. Elvis strides on stage, takes a wide-legged stance, grabs up a guitar, gives it a couple of whangs, opens his mouth and starts gyrating. He shivers and shakes, he quivers and quakes. The faster Presley moves, the more agitated the crowd becomes. An announcer implored the crowd, “If you want to see Elvis Presley in the pictures, write Paramount Pictures. As far as I can learn from Paramount’s local office, there is no deal cooking on Presley.
** [[w:Terry Frei|Terry Frei]], for the Denver Post, recalling a review of the Rocky Mountain News from April of 1956, in an article published on March 8, 2017 and informing readers that thousands upon thousands did write, with eventually being Paramount's rival 20th Century Fox who released Elvis’ first movie, “Love Me Tender,” on Nov. 15.

* When I was 20 years old and TWISTED SISTER began, I don't think I would have ever asked someone who was 60 where the music industry was going.I think that I would look around at my peers and see where the scene is at, rather than go to, let's say, Elvis Presley's producers and go, 'Hey, man, give me some advice as to how I can move forward because I don't think that they're seeing things the way I'm seeing things. When they were 20, they were seeing things in their way. So when I talk to 20-year-olds, I say to them, number one, I didn't have a mentor — I never had a mentor. And number two, I was smart and I just looked around me. I think it was impossible to think that before Elvis came, nobody thought Elvis was gonna come. And it should never be predictable.
** {{w|Jay Jay French}}, TWISTED SISTER guitarist's reply when requested to offer some advice to up-and-coming artists, as seen in a clip from Daniel Sarkissian's film &quot;What Is Classic Rock?

* He has sung for years about murder and biblical torment and characters who hurt one another just for the philosophical kick. It's a nasty congruence that his lyrics set him up to sing about a death he knew nothing of, until it was time to record, something of a ham — possibly down to thinking Elvis Presley is as biblical as anything else.
** {{w|Sasha Frere-Jones}}, speaking about Nick Cave in an article for the Village Voice and entitled &quot;Navigating the Darkness with David Bowie, Nick Cave, and Leonard Cohen&quot; as published on November 9, 2016.

*In the Sun Studio in Memphis it hit me like a blow. What a musician, what an upheaval. It is still there, the old microphone, the silver Shure 5-5 with the lateral grooves, by means of which a certain Elvis Aaron Presley in July 1953, just 18 years of age, made his first recording. This man has shaped pop culture like no other, in fact influenced all music after him.
** [[w:Timeline of Bern|Bänz Friedli]], Swiss linguist, in an interview with kxan, as published on their February 16,2019 edition.

* He touched their lives....
** [[w:David Frost|David Frost]], English television and media personality which hosted, in 1980, a Yorkshire Television special focusing on 300 Elvis UK fans going with him, to Memphis, TN, on the third anniversary of Elvis death.

* At Sun Studio in Memphis Elvis Presley called to life what would soon be known as rock and roll with a voice that bore strains of the Grand Ole Opry and Beale Street, of country and the blues. At that moment, he ensured — instinctively, unknowingly — that pop music would never again be as simple as black and white.
** [[w:David Fricke|David Fricke]] in ''Rolling Stone'' (1986)

* He is more like an Elvis Presley or a Marilyn Monroe, who died early and left their impression on the world.
** Lesley Frowick, top designer [[w:Halston|Halston]]'s niece, commenting on the 2021 Netflix mini series ‘Halston’ and which according to her and the entire family, does not reflect the real Halston, as published in WWD's May 11, 2021 edition.

* To the extent that the cultural-appropriation police are urging their targets to respect others who are different, they are saying something that everyone needs to hear. But beyond that, they can plunge into doomed tangles. American popular culture is a mishmash of influences: British Isles, Eastern European, West African, and who knows what else. Cole Porter committed no wrong by borrowing from Jewish music and Elvis Presley enriched the world when he fused country-and-western with rhythm-and-blues.
** [[w:David Frum|David Frum]], writing for the Atlantic in an article entitled &quot;Every Culture Appropriates[, published oh May 8, 2018.

* Sakuraba is just magic, proving to the world that the Gracies could be beat. He walked into that arena like if he was Elvis and he was the man who did it.
** [[w:Don Frye|Don Frye]], in reference to Kazushi Sakuraba being inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame, as published on 5 June, 2017 at SB Nation.

* Fifty-six years ago last April, in a studio on Fifth Av in Nashville, a 25-year-old Elvis Presley spit out another platinum-selling record. “It’s Now or Never” hit the airwaves one day after the 4th of July, and topped the charts for weeks. It sold over 20 million records worldwide and became one of his most successful releases. Studios up and down Nashville's famed “Music Row” have cradled the genius of America's music masters for generations. For Elvis Presley and many others, that six-block span has been a place where dreams really can come true. But today, in a global internet economy rife with piracy and wanton copyright violations, the future of America's music industry is threatened. For many musicians, songwriters, and the more than 56,000 Nashville workers whose jobs depend on the resilience of America's music industry, the time to fight back against those threats truly is “Now or Never.”
** U.S. Trade Representative Ambassador [[w:Michael Froman|Michael Froman]], talking about the Trans-Pacific Partnership and how it affects Tennessee, as published in the Tennessean, on November 4, 2016.

* At one point, Elvis used to have football games in his front yard in LA. Glen Campbell and I were on Rick Nelson's team and we would play against his.At first, it was supposed to be flag football but people wound up with black eyes and things like that. It got pretty rough, but I think that's where Glen might have hooked up early with Elvis. Then, it was when Glen and I played &quot;The Crossbow&quot;, that Elvis would visit whenever he was in Albuquerque. They even had a little balcony to keep Elvis' group out of the crowd down below...
** [[w:Jerry Fuller|Jerry Fuller]], songwriter, singer and record producer, on the matter of when and where Glen Campbell might have become close to Elvis, in an article entitled “He Could Do Anything”: &quot;Glen Campbell Remembered By His Closest Friends&quot;, written in connection with his 2018 album consisting of songs written for Elvis to sing and which Glen recorded as demos before he became nationally known.

* They mention me and they mention Elvis, not the same... RELAX. Not more slaps than Presley..Elvis super legendary.
** [[w:Future (rapper)|Fulture]] 's instagram messages on May 30, 2020, after being told he had surpassed Elvis in the number of Billboard Top 100 hits.

== G ==

* Was Elvis up to the challenge? He was. The resulting Elvis special, which aired on December 3, 1968 on NBC, became the top rated show of the season and NBC's biggest success of the year. But the key moment came on the night of June 4, when Elvis was at the Binder/Howe offices. A television set broadcasting Senator [[w:Robert Kennedy|Robert Kennedy]]’s speech at L.A.’s Ambassador Hotel played in the background; the presidential hopeful had just won California’s state primary. Minutes later, Kennedy was shot (he died 26 hours later on June 6) and the assassination provoked a cathartic reaction in Elvis. From the moment that was on, for the rest of the night, we sat in that room and Elvis started to tell us his life story...
** [[w:33⅓|Gillian G. Gaar]], discussing how the narrative of the 1968 special came into being, as published in Goldmine magazine's 9 January 2019 edition.

* After Trump-Clinton, the Vice-Presidential Debate Isn’t Exactly ‘the Return of Elvis’
** [[w:Trip Gabriel|Trip Gabriel]]'s headline to his New York Times article of October 1, 2016

* Decades ago, during the polio epidemic, people were hesitant to get the vaccine, which became available in 1955. Public sentiment turned in 1956, after the biggest influencer of that era, Elvis Presley, got the shot backstage before he made an appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. Immunization levels among teens at the time rose from 0.6% to 80%.
** Dr. Terry Gaff, in an article entitled&quot;Vaccinated people are discovering benefits of VIP treatment&quot;, as published in the [[w:KPC Media Group|KPC Media Group]]'s News online edition of May 16, 2021

* Yuri was a celebrity, a héro of the USSR, the first man in space. For the Kremlin, he defined the Soviet spirit. Born poor, then becoming one of the world's most celebrated. He was the Elvis of the Soviet Union.
** About [[w:Yuri Gagarin|Yuri Gagarin]], as noted by Andrew L. Jenks, author of the 2015 biography entitled &quot;The Cosmonaut who couldn’t stop smiling: The life and leyend of Yuri Gagarin&quot;

* I identify myself with Elvis, especially the last ten or fifteen years of his career.  He never wrote a song in his life but if he hadnt sung  them,   they would mean nothing.
** [[w:Dave Gahan|Dave Gahan]], in  a Rolling Stone interview published on January 3, 2022. 

* In the early going at the Charlotte Coliseum, there were scattered notes here and there that made you wonder if finally he was gonna do it but, always, he would pull up short, rely on the grins, the charisma and the legend, until finally a little before 10:45, he came to the gospel classic, &quot;How Great Thou Art&quot;-. And that was it. As he came to the part where he belts out the title, he sounded like Mario Lanza with soul, cutting loose a series of high notes that would tingle the spine of even the diehard skeptic; but crescendo came on a song called &quot;Hurt&quot;; it's an old song that Elvis didn't record until a couple of years ago, and the key ingredient is its range, an awesome collection of notes that could leave a normal set of vocal chords in shreds; he finished in what seemed his most potent style, but wasn't satisfied, and mumbled to the band, &quot;Let's do that last part again.&quot;; he did, and if there was anyone among the packed-house crowd who had thought Elvis was a fluke, they no doubt came away converted.
** Frye Gaillard, reviewing his February 20, 1977 show at the Coliseum, for the &quot;The Charlotte Observer&quot;

* My father had very specific tastes, and that's what we listened to, namely Chopin, Bach, Elvis Presley, the Beatles, and David Bowie. I think that's it.
** {{w|Charlotte Gainsbourg}}, British-French actress and singer, the daughter of English actress {{w|Jane Birkin}} and French singer and songwriter {{w|Serge Gainsbourg}}, the latter of whose musical tastes she detailed in an interview published by NOISEY on December 4, 2017.

* I jumped out of my 1975 Firebird and rushed to get photos of him. So, that's when he turned to me and said &quot;Who are you with cat?
** Photographer [[w:Ron Galella|Ron Galella]] in his book Shooting Stars

* There is only Elvis and me, and I couldn't say which one of us is the best.
** [[w:Liam Gallagher|Liam Gallagher]], Oasis frontman, as published at Emol.com -

* In May of 1959, at the Midnight premiere of &quot;King Creole&quot;, in Mexico City, more than 500 teenager broke into the cinema, overtook various side balconies and threw seats and even burning papers to those in attendance at the floor below. A huge fight erupted. As many girls tried to leave the cinema, they were stripped of their clothings and harrassed by the rioters. Police arrived at about 1 am in the morning but incredibly, there were many injured but no arrests.
** Parménides García Saldaña, recounting the incident he was a witness of, on his book &quot;El Rey Criollo&quot;, which led to Elvis' being banned from all Mexican record stores, a follow up to his 1957 ban. (See Pompeyo, Hebre)

* Elvis Presley brought down the house and all the attendance records of the Houston Live Stock Show and Rodeo came tumbling down on the shoulders of his white shirt Saturday night at the Astrodome. The largest crowd ever to attend a rodeo performance to Houston – 43,614 screaming fans – were present Saturday night for the rodeo and Elvis' fourth of six performances. Hours earlier, he had drawn the largest matinee crowd – 34,443 Saturday and his two performance total exceeded by former records by the two-performance total attracted by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans two years ago. In fact, the four performances in which Presley, his band and vocal group have have appeared thus have drawn a total of 131,064 people to the Astrodome. It is by far the greatest start that the Houston event has made since it moved to the Dome in 1966. Presley who has never been known as a talker on stage, probably expressed it perfectly Saturday night when he commented: &quot;You have been a fantastic audience,&quot; he said prior to introducing his associate in the 45-minute show. Police are stationed around the arena to keep the audience away from Elvis but Saturday afternoon, a fan sneaked in through the rodeo chutes and was within a few feet of the star when he was apprehended by police...
** Charles Garder for the [[w:Houston Post|Houston Post]], in reviewing the first four of Elvis's six back to back performances at the Houston Astrodome, as published on their March 1, 1970 edition.

* I have a great respect for him and I have to say that &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; was the very first job I ever had, so he was the first person I worked with in a movie. It really was a big influence on me. Maybe it was me that made it up, but I thought, he's a person, I'm a person. If he can do it, I can do it. And he made you feel like that, too. You know, he made you be an equal. And, of course, it wasn't true, but as I said I lived in a big fantasy world and still do, but he made you feel like you were the same. And I think that really was an incredible catalyst for me. I mean, you're working with Elvis Presley and he thinks that you guys are alike so maybe, if he can do it, you can do it. So then something like that, it's a subliminal subconscious incredible influence he had on me.
** [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]], on working with Elvis, particularly in Viva Las Vegas.

* I was appearing at the Sands and a friend of mine, a fellow comedian working with Elvis, told him I'm a black belt. So I got a call from one of Elvis' buddies. He traveled with this massive entourage. So this pal tells me, &quot;Would you be interested in doing Elvis Presley the honor of sparring with him?&quot; I said, &quot;Sure, I’ll give the kid a break.&quot; *Laughs*. He rented a hall and arrived with this huge group of people. We looked at each other and he calls me &quot;sensei,&quot; which means &quot;teacher.&quot; I said, &quot;Oh Elvis, you don’t have to call me that because we’re of equal rank.&quot; And he says, &quot;OK, sensei.&quot; Then he goes, &quot;Do me a favor, please. Don’t hit me in the face because I have a show to do tonight.&quot; And I said, &quot;Well, don’t hit me in my face because I, too, have a show tonight.&quot; He responds, &quot;Sensei, if I hit you in the face, it would be an improvement.&quot; I said, &quot;I’m going to kill you. You know that, right?&quot; Then we spar. But he was wonderful. He was very, very good in fact. I've sparred with a lot of people and not many were as good as he was. But when we weren't sparring, he was a gentleman at all times.
** [[w:Hank Garrett|Hank Garrett]], in an article entitled &quot;Hollywood tough guy Hank Garrett recalls breaking Robert Redford’s nose during brutal fight scene in memoir&quot;, as pubished on Fox News January 11, 2021 online edition.

* I am an angry man, so angry I burn myself and I heat up the air around me. This is the nuclear fuel I use to make my music. In a world so full of pain and madness we need to be better than ever, to evolve not devolve, to become masters of our fate and stop listening to the snake talkers who would steal our last breath. It's time to go Elvis and shoot the cursed TV.
** [[w:Duke Garwood|Duke Garwood]], UK multi-instrumentalist, in an interview with Live4Ever, published on November 3, 2016.

* Elvis let you know that he cared about you, that he noticed you. He made you feel good. No other entertainment stars ever took the same effort Elvis did, to be honest. They didn't. He took that extra step. Elvis took good care of us, man, I swear to God. Bonuses at the end of tours, also (on top of the regular paycheck). I mean nobody treats musicians and the people that were with him the way Elvis did. Nobody.&quot;
** [[w:Greg Gaskins|Greg Gaskins]], 1960's -'70's Soul, R&amp;B guitarist who played with the Manhattans, Otis Redding, Al Green, Jackie Wilson and Sweet Inspirations, as told in August 2017 to Jay Vivian, the latter in connection with Gaskins' having been so quoted in the book &quot;Reflections on race.Myna and Desert Storm&quot; by author Darrin Lee Memmer.

* Elvis, and that was it
** [[w:Marc Gasol|Marc Gasol]], Spanish basketball player,when asked what did he know about Memphis,on his arrival in 2008 to play for the Grizzlies, as noted in the Commercial Appeal's February 10, 2019 edition.

* The Elvis tattoo on my chest? I started listening to 'Jailhouse Rock' and loved it.
** Rapper [[w:Kevin Gates|Kevin Gates]] as published on November 24, 2016, at ppcornon.

* I started my first job in 1977 at the age of 14 as a carhop at an A&amp;W Root Beer restaurant in Fort Lauderdale. The day I was hired, I was promoted to lead carhop when a radio DJ interrupted the music and broke the news that Elvis had died. The lead carhop took off her money belt and announced ‘I must go to Memphis.’ She drove off in her Ford Pinto and was never heard from again. The money I saved that year definitely helped pay for tuition and college expenses and it was a super fun job and a great experience. I learned the value of a dollar and how to make a seriously delicious root beer float – all thanks to Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Monica Gates}}, Mayor of Kingman, AR, as published in the Daily Miner, on September 2, 2017

* First of all, I admire Elvis, not just as a singer but as a creator of a style, a personality. What he has achieved is worth of respect. Regarding the rivalry between Rock ´n Roll and Bolero, there are enough fans for both styles.
** {{w|Lucho Gatica}}, the King of Bolero, in an interview published in Ecran's January 27, 1957 edition.

* One time, Elvis was in town and invited folks to his suite for a party. His idea of a party? Eating food and having his backup singers belt out gospel songs...
** [[w:Jack Gaughan|Jack Gaughan]], President of the Musicians Union of Las Vegas, in an interview with Jan Hogan of the Las Vegas Review Journal on December 2, 2016.

* The thing is, I've always wanted to be a star. I've always wanted to be an Elvis Presley or a Tupac – like, a huge icon.
** [[w:G-Eazy|G-Eazy]], in Brainy Quote's Elvis section.

* The inspiration for my career came from Elvis Presley. I heard him singing ‘My Way&quot; and that somehow gave me the strength to start a painting business. I knew it was time, as they say, to take the bull by the horns, create my own job. Almost fifty years later, I am still painting, still doing it my way.
** Leo Geise, holder of the {{w|Guinness World Record}} for the oldest professional house painter, at 78 years and 198 days, as verified in Delphos, Ohio, on July 8, 2018 and as published in limaohiocom̪'s December 16, 2018 online edition.

* Well, it started when I saw him was as a little kid at a 1957 concert at LA's Pan Pacific Auditorium concert. 'Then, I became a hairdresser, so the first time I cut his hair, which was in 1964, it took about me 45 minutes to finish it and the whole time Elvis didn't say a word, but his eyes would follow every move I made. I was then already working with people like Warren Beatty &amp; Paul Newman and the most handsome guys of the movies, but I can tell you Elvis eclipsed them all. He had the face, the voice, the career, the fans, the fame, the money and he had.... the hair, which was unbelievable to work on. He insisted that I trim his animated and eccentric moustache.
** [[w:Larry Geller|Larry Geller]], Elvis ' hairdresser, as noted in his autobiography.

* Singer Lloyd &quot;Lonzo&quot; George (of the &quot;Lonzo and Oscar&quot; C&amp;W duo), was visiting his relatives, so his teenage nephew, Jim, invited all his friends to his house to meet his famous uncle. But there was one quiet 15-year-old boy whom Jim's parents would not allow to come inside their house. He was poor so they called him “white trash” and treated as if he was from a lower class. When Jim told Uncle &quot;Lonzo&quot; that the boy outside had a guitar but didn't know how to tune it, he gladly offered to show him how. Since he not allowed inside the house, they arranged to meet outside. It was obvious to &quot;Lonzo&quot; that the boy was embarrassed and felt out of place in a rich neighborhood. The boy's guitar was old, cheap, and hung around his neck with just a piece of string. After &quot;Lonzo&quot; showed the shy teenager how to tune his guitar, he offered to teach him some songs. The boy was so surprised and happy that Lonzo spent two whole hours playing and singing with him that he started feeling confident in his own ability to play and sing. &quot;Lonzo&quot; never met that boy again, at least not face to face. Thay boy was Elvis Presley.
** As told by Jim George, nephew of Gonzo, of the {{w|Lonzo and Oscar}} duet and published in the Samoa Observer in an article entitled &quot;Recognizing royalty&quot;., on December 28, 2016

* This looks to be a  movie made for theaters, a major event.- 
** {{w|Nelson George}}'s laud of Baz Luhrmann's direction in 2022 &quot;Elvis&quot; Warner Brothers biopic, as   shown in a Mojo Media interview of Luhrmann and Austin Butler, who plays Elvis in the flick. 

* Friday's article about the contribution of minority groups throughout American history brought some fascinating reactions. First, quite a few folks who aren't usually fans of me or of National Review actually reached out and said, “Thank you for writing this.” No doubt a lot of people hunger for the message, “Your ancestors helped build this country, too” and perhaps with it an alternative to a well-established and not-all-that-accurate narrative that minority groups' role in America was almost entirely that of the helpless victims. But it was perhaps even more amazing to see the (admittedly mostly anonymous, possibly bot-like) responses on Twitter — who appeared deeply upset by a list of how minority groups shaped America from the beginning. The goal was to repeat it enough to make people think whites barely had a hand in building the nation, Really? You think people are going to forget or overlook the first 43 presidents, the Pilgrims, John Smith, Paul Revere, Thomas Paine, Ben Franklin, Henry Knox, Thomas Edison, Lewis and Clark, Buffalo Bill, Butch Cassidy, Wild Bill Hickock{{sic}}, Wild Bill Donovan, Wyatt Earp, Eliot Ness, General George S. Patton, Neil Armstrong, Mark Twain, Andrew Carnegie, J. P. Morgan, Elvis Presley, the Wright Brothers, Chuck Yeager, Will Rogers, Douglas MacArthur, Charles Lindbergh, J. Edgar Hoover, Ernest Hemingway, John D. Rockefeller, Charlie Chaplin, Babe Ruth, Billy Graham, Henry Ford, T. S. Eliot, Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, Upton Sinclair, General John J. Pershing, Robert F. Kennedy, Earl Warren, Andy Warhol, Allen Dulles, Frank Lloyd Wright, Norman Rockwell, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, Walt Whitman, the Minutemen, the Green Mountain Boys, the Texas Rangers, Is there anyone who's even remotely historically literate who believes that “whites barely had a hand in building the nation”?
** {{w|Jim Geraghty}}, in an article entitled &quot;Why Are Some People So Insistent that Certain Chapters of History Not Be Discussed?&quot;, as published in the National Review's December 17, 2018 edition

* Some years ago, while in Memphis to officiate a wedding, I took some time to visit the home of Elvis Presley. I was reminded of his complicated life. He was certainly not a perfect person but, in the rooms of Graceland, there was memorabilia showing how he gave enormously to charities in Memphis, and how he loved his mother more than anything. Not perfect, but there WAS a lot of good in him...
** Ronald Gerson, Rabbi Emeritus of the {{w|Shabbat}}'s Congregation Children of Israel in Athens, GA, in an article entitled &quot;Perfection is elusive, so it’s best to accept faults and accentuate the positive&quot;as published in the Augusta Chronicle on July 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley's spirit is another that keeps coming forward, but seemingly, is not at rest. He wants to communicate, he’s there...
** Barri Ghai, UK born paranormal investigator, creator of the television series &quot;Help My House is Haunted&quot; and recent contributor to [[w:Ghost Hunt (TV series)|Ghost Hunt]], in an article published in the Daily Star online, on August 6, 2018.

* What intrigues me is how memory colors history, what remains in the end is collective memory. Elvis in that sense was an excellent way to study the period after the Second World War, for epitomizing those times. It was the beginning of the cold war, but also the start of a firm and optimistic belief in the future.
** [[w:Adrian Ghenie|Adrian Ghenie]], Rumanian painter whose &quot;Elvis&quot;, measuring 40 x 31&amp;nbsp;cm sold at a Phillips auction in Geneva for US$510,000 in May 17, 2018, explaining to the auctioneers what was that moved him to paint him, as noted in Phillips' catalogue essay of that same date.

* Presley of course was not only a pioneer in music, but also a cultural icon whose influence has endured over generations. One of the earliest musicians to make rockabilly – an uptempo, backbeat-driven fusion of country music, rhythm and blues – popular, Presley was also a consummate showman. And he had a huge influence on Bollywood as well, most obviously on [[w:Shammi Kapoor|Shammi Kapoor]], who was inspired by him all the way from his looks to his moves, and to his movies as well.
** Suktara Ghosh for the [[w:BloombergQuint|BloombergQuint]] an Indian news organization associated to Bloomberg, in an article published on January 8, 2018.

* i) Religion in and of itself and spirituality are the absolute pure tools of a songwriter. For instance, if you listen to mountain music or immigrant music or bluegrass music, religion was the only subject. So when you listen to that kind of music, you realize they didn't have anything else but religion. So religion over the years and through rock ‘n’ roll and through people like Elvis Presley, hey, just listen to him singing gospel music, c'mon.... It never went away, it never will and the idea of true faith is behind every artist that ever gets to the place they want to be ii) I remember the time I stopped in at Graceland to say hello to Elvis after he had performed in Las vegas a version of a song I wrote, &quot;Words&quot;. I was allowed to go up the driveway – the yellow brick road if you like – and I got to the front door and there was a limousine there. His uncle told me I could go up and knock on the door and I might get to meet him. So I knocked. But for some reason he didnt come out. But that’s ok, because I looked inside the limo and saw the first television in a car I’d ever seen and that was all a thrill anyway.
** [[w:Barry Gibb|Barry Gibb]], in a 2016 interview for New Zealand's Roxborogh Report ii) from an interview with METRO, as published on their Janyuary 8, 2021 edition.,

* Know thyself means that you need to know what you want out of life. What are your strengths your weakness, your values, your morals, your beliefs. Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, Muhammad Ali, Abraham Lincoln and Harry S. Truman are listening to this class from the walls of this classroom where their photos hang. Hopefully, you, my students are, too, because if you are one to be happy, you need to love yourself for who you are, always striving to improve. My fear is that too many people judge themselves on who they are NOT and what they don't possess physically and materially. I think life is too short to focus on the negative.”
** Teacher Drew Gibb, addressing his students at Hickory High, in an article published in the Herald, on February 4, 2018.

* In the collective memory of his fans, he reigns as the sleek musical genius who soaked up the multiple influences of America's vernacular music -gospel, country swing, rhythm 'n' blues—, and made them his own; Bob Dylan, one of pop's favorite poets, put it best: Elvis, he said, was &quot;the incendiary atomic musical firebrand loner who conquered the western world.
** Gwen Gibson, in his article &quot;The Top 10 Pop Stars, Ever&quot;, published in the AARP's May 2003 edition

* The Museum of the Bible is without a doubt the newest, most intriguing and most talked-about attraction in DC. Since opening in December 2017, more than 200,000 people have visited it. The second floor of the building, called “The Impact of the Bible.” clearly deals with the bringing of the book to the United States and its impact on the nation. There, its most popular item is Elvis Presley's Bible. It's not exactly archaeology, but people had their pictures taken next to its glass display case with way greater excitement than any other item, including what was observed next to a stone brought from Jerusalem.
** Moshe Gilad, Israeli reporter and the Washington DC correspondent for [[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]], as published on its February 9 2018 edition.

* i) I don't really think Elvis' voice was significantly lower than those of any other baritones. The color of the voice and the sense of warmth and richness of tone gave the sense that the voice was much deeper. Elvis, in fact, did not force his lower register, comfortable as he was with it, which in turn gave the impression that it was lower than those of other baritones. ii) People will often say that opera singers sound too stiff and operatic when singing contemporary music. This is because the vowels in an operatic style tend to be more open, whereas in a rock style singers tend to thin out the vowel. There is nothing wrong, and everything right, in opening the vowel in the higher register so that the higher notes can be sustained. Elvis Presley was very open in his singing style even though he was 'the' rock and roller.
** i) and ii) Brian Gilbertson, world-famous voice teacher, explaining the deepness of Elvis' lower registry.

* He was very good, great, nice, sweet and a gentleman.
** Actress [[w:Sandra Giles|Sandra Giles]] who appeared in It happened at the World's Fair, in an interview with Enews.

* Along with the rest of &quot;Deep Purple&quot;, I once had the chance to meet Elvis. For a young singer like me, he was an absolute inspiration. I soaked up what he did like blotting paper. It's the same as being in school — you learn by copying the maestro. His personality was also extremely endearing, his interviews were very self-effacing (and), he came over as gentle and was generous in his praise of others. He had a natural, technical ability, but there was something in the humanity of his voice, and his delivery. Those early records at the Sun Records label are still incredible and the reason is simple: he was the greatest singer that ever lived.
** [[w:Ian Gillan|Ian Gillan]], lead singer and frontman of the UK hard rock band &quot;Deep Purple&quot;, interviewed by Classic Rock magazine, explaining why Presley belongs in the list of rock icons ( as published in blabbermouth.net, on 3rd January, 2007)

*  I wasn’t really known as a country music performer.   I was trying to be more like Elvis and those people at the time.  I didn’t consider myself a country act.
** [[w:Mickey Gilley|Mickey Gilley]], as quoted by Variety, in an opinion published two days after  his death, on May 7, 2022 

* It was Elvis' Jailhouse Rock that made me first pick up a guitar and say, ‘I’ve got to do a bit of that. He was absolutely brilliant. Elvis, in his very early years, was staggering
** [[w:David Gilmour|David Gilmour]], guitarist and singer for Pink Floyd, speaking at the launch of his new DVD Remember That Night – Live At The Royal Albert Hall,as noted in cobtactmusiccom on May 17, 2019

* When I was about 10, my dad took me to an Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash concert in Lubbock. That had a profound effect on me. As a result, I completely fell in love with that New Orleans (sound) that I liked on the radio, with Little Richard and Fats Domino. That music is really in a sense still my very favorite.
** [[w:Jimmie Dale Gilmore|Jimmie Dale Gilmore]], member of the Flatlanders and now in his 70's and still touring, in an interview for the Sacramento Bee, published on September 25, 2017.

* I was living in France about five years ago, and that's when I discovered the Elvis Sun Sessions recordings. To me, most people know the later Elvis stuff, you know, &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; and what he later recorded at RCA. But this stuff just has the energy and modesty and integrity of where he came from. It's his start and it was really the start of rock and roll, holding on to the roots of American music in every way, the blues, rockabilly. I think these recordings represent really the discovery of one of the greatest singers and performers of all time. It's the beginning&quot;.
** Katie Glassman, singer and fiddler, explaining to Nathalia Velez, of Westword, her interest in Elvis' earliest recordings and as published by www.westword.com on 17 January, 2013.

* Fred Maddox came back from a Louisiana Hayride Show and told me I should listen to this kid singing. On April 2, 1956  Fred called me and asked me to come to San Diego if I  was interested in meeting Elvis.  On the trip down I thought that since  I'd seen other acts play at the Arena,  I doubted  he'd fill it. It was packed, Presley went wild, the girls never stopped and  you could hardly hear him over the noise. I had never heard such a reaction to an artist, even being on shows with some of the biggest country singers of the day, so that's when I decided, that  this is what I had to do
**[[w:Glen Glenn (singer)|Glen Glenn]], in a an interview with  Johnny Vallis recalling the moment he decided to leave country music for a life in rockabilly,   as published in Elvis Australia's June 18, 2004 edition. 

* As far as I know, Presley and Gould never crossed paths. A media-mediated symbiotic relationship existed between the two of them, however, which extended beyond their dependencies, night-crawling work habits, and inner circles of hard-core loyal friends. Like Gould, Presley had the hermit's need for sanctuary in the studio, where his genius, every bit the equal of the pianist's, harnessed the full potential of playbacks and editing to sharpen and refine even the most thrown-off sounding uh-huh. The degree their sexuality was groomed for media consumption was another shared attribute.
**[[w:Peter Goddard (journalist)|Peter Goddard]], on page 94 of his biography of [[w:Glenn Gould|Glenn Gould]], a Canadian musician widely recognized as one of the greatest classical music pianists of the 20th Century. (The bio, published in 2017, is entitled The Great Gould)

* The same mystic power Michelangelo held in his hands Elvis held in his windpipe, a power nobody should have been allowed to put a price on, but for the love of the ‘ching!’, they did.
**[[w:Simon Goddard|Simon Goddard]], speaking about the money making effect the voice of Elvis had, in his book The Comeback: Elvis And The Story Of The 68 Special

* He became nationally known in April 1945 when, as CBS's morning-radio man in Washington, he took the microphone for a live, firsthand account of President Roosevelt's funeral procession. The entire CBS network picked up the broadcast, later preserved in the Edward R. Murrow and Fred W. Friendly record series, I Can Hear it Now. Later, through his Talent Scout television show, he significantly assisted the careers of Pat Boone, Tony Bennett, Eddie Fisher, Connie Francis, Leslie Uggams, Lenny Bruce, Steve Lawrence, Connie Francis, Roy Clark, and Patsy Cline. Yet he proved fallible. In April of 1955, he turned down Elvis Presley.
** About {{w|Arhtur Godfrey}}, whose talent scout TV show was the highest rated during the 1951–1952 season, while remaining a highly popular show through the decade, as noted by WIKIPEDIA.

* Our bomb shelter generation revolted against the stiff, straight old ways. They threw away their traditional leather shorts for blue jeans and started standing and walking like cowboys. They were bored with '0 Tannenbaum!' and skipped 'Ach du lieber Augustin' to hear rock n' roll. Elvis Presley was just what they were looking for -- an American Pied Piper to lead them to excitement.&quot;
** Werner Goetze, West Germaby's top DJ, in an article published at the Baltimore Sun &quot;This Week&quot; magazine on Sunday, July 19, 1959.

* Elvis&quot; “Tupac,” “Obama”
** La Rams Quarterback [[w:Jared Goff|Jared Goff]]'s favourite line-of-scrimmage calls, as reported by Sam farmer of the Observer on January 2,2018

* The day that Elvis died, Aug. 16, 1977 was a pretty big deal. Not as well remembered was Oct. 28, 1956, the day that he got a polio shot. The event, staged at CBS studios by the New York City health department, made the national television evening news and the New York Times. Photos suggest that he was having a blast. The New York City health department arranged for the public inoculation in order to encourage adolescents — the group most susceptible to polio after young children — to get their shots. Only a very low percent of the city's teenagers had received the newly licensed Salk vaccine. I'd like to think that if Elvis were still with us he'd be getting an HPV shot — vaccination rates for the cancer-causing human papilloma virus are among the lowest of recommended vaccines — and tweeting about it. But he has left the stage. Instead of Elvis posing for a shot we have celebrities caught up in the trap of unscientific thinking promoting vaccine refusal.last year. This is not a red-blue issue: Green Party candidate Jill Stein is a vaccine skeptic as well. If that irrational fear-based movement continues to gain ground and data-driven medical science and advances that can save lives are ignored, we'll watching people get sick or even die from preventable diseases. Luckily, the movement has a way to go in the United States.. August is National Immunization Awareness Month, a good time to check that you and your family are up to date on vaccine coverage/ According to a survey conducted in 2014, and published in the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 87.6% to teenagers were up-to-date with the Tdap (tenanus-diphtheria-acellular pertussis) vaccine and 60% had meningitis vaccine coverage. The rate for HPV vaccine, which requires 3 doses, was lower, perhaps because of its cost or opposition to the inoculations on the grounds that the way to avoid a sexually transmitted disease is to abstain from sex. HPV is transmitted sexually and the vaccine can prevent most genital warts and most cases of cervical cancer, which is projected to kill 4,120 women in 2016. Young men and women who get the vaccine also can dramatically lower their risk of some anal and oral cancers, which are on the rise. I miss Elvis, the King of Vaccines.
** [[w:Rutgers University|Janet Golden]], PhD, for the {{w|Philadelphia Inquirer}} in an article published on their August 16, 2016 edition and entitled &quot;Let's honor Elvis and the lives he saved by supporting vaccines.

* Gorgeous ! - or same equally effusive effeminate word – is the only way to describe Elvis Presley's latest epiphany at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Not since [[w:Marlene Dietrich|Marlene Dietrich]] stunned the ringside with the sight of those legs encased from hip to ankles in a transparent gown has any performer so electrified this jaded town with a personal appearance. Without twanging a string, burbling a note or offering a hint of hip. Elvis transfixed a tough opening night audience of flacks and entertainers simply by striding on-stage in the costume of the Year. Not quite the erotic politician that [[w:Jim Morrison|Jim Morrison]] proved to be when he disrobed on stage. Elvis manages very well his constituency by occasionally grabbing a lady at ringside and kissing her firmly on the mouth. Grander than the &quot;Fountainblue,&quot; the International has found itself an attraction magnetic enough to pull the shut-in generation over 30 out of their ranch houses onto nonstop jets and down in to the Valley of Loose Gold where the King presides over his people, with eternal youth and joy and jamboree.
** Excerpted from [[w:Albert Goldmman|Albert Goldman]]'s review of the opening night of Elvis second engagement at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, NV. It was published in Life magazine's March 20, 1970 edition thus a few years before he wrote the controversial biographies of Lenny Bruce, Elvis, John Lennon and Jim Morrison, the last of which he left unfinished as he died of a heart attack on March 28, 1994, while flying from Miami to London.

* He is to the US National Football League what Elvis Presley is to rock-and-roll. He’s the king.”
** NFL Commissioner [[w:Roger Goodell|Roger Goodell]]'s laud of [[w:John Madden|John Madden]], on the day after his death, and as published in the AP News' December 29, 2021 edition

* They had me convinced that no teenage girl was safe around him. They wanted to have him watched at the theater and they wanted his hotel room watched. They had him pictured as a real villain. In my chambers, I warned him and his manager that I would be present at the first of six shows and that I had prepared warrants charging him with &quot;impairing the morality of minors&quot;. As if for proof, deputies would be stationed in wings of the theater, I added. Once on the stage, he opened with &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, threw his hips out once and so I immediately told the lawyer on the theater, in a whisper that I was going to put him in jail, sure as anything. But then, miraculously, Elvis caught himself. &quot;Wait a minute. I can't do this. They won't let me do this here,&quot; I heard Elvis say. To everyone's amazement, instead of shaking, wiggling, and jumping around, Elvis stood perfectly still, wiggled his little finger suggestively in place of his usual movements, which thrilled the crowd, who I guess found &quot;the finger&quot; both hilarious and deeply erotic. So in the end, my wife, my three daughters and their girlfriends all watched as Elvis wiggled his finger suggestively throughout the show. And they roared when Elvis dedicated &quot;Hound Dog&quot; to me. Everybody in the audience got the biggest charge out of that. I was later told that Elvis continued the finger twitching movements throughout the other five Jacksonville shows. But he had made some new fans, including my grandson, Tony, who would grow up to idolize him by plastering his posters all over his bedroom walls.
** Judge Marion W. Gooding, recalling how, in early August of 1956, he had warned Elvis (whom he later described as a sweet, gentle kid with the sort of good manners that we associate with southern politeness), to avoid moving during any of his 6 shows at the famed {{w|Florida Theater}}, in Jacksonville Florida, as published in Mental Floss, on March 21, 2012

* I had never seen him in person. I could hardly speak when I saw him... 
** Diana Goodman, former Miss Goergia, in her book Welcome to my world. 

* I was told a couple of pieces of advice, one was ̊&quot;just remember that whatever you do, try your best, because they aren't going to choose your best scene with Elvis, but Elvis' best with you&quot;. When I met him, he was utterly flattering. I then felt like an older sister for him, even taught him to twist. There was something about his wholesomeness, his courtesy, and that is why he is still as big as he is.
**[[w:Laurel Goodwin|Laurel Goodwin]], sharing her memories from the movie set of &quot;Girls, Girls, Girls&quot; with Tom Brown, in an episode of the Gates of Graceland, aired on October 10, 2018

* Until recently, Western research on Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union all but ignored the role of rock music in those societies. There have been a few academic articles on rock in socialist countries, but no serious book-length studies. Last November, the American Association for the Advancement of Slavic Studies held its first session ever on the subject. Mowever, the recent collapse of the Iron Curtain has revealed societies not only aware of, but also significantly involved in, Western-style rock culture. In fact,none other than Raisa Gorbachev has publicly declared herself a fan of Elvis Presley
** About [[w:Raisa Gorbachev|Raisa Gorbachev]]'s love of Elvis, in an article entitled &quot;Raisa Gorbachev Is an Elvis Fan, and Other Reasons Why Scholars Should Study the Role of Rock in Eastern Europe&quot; and pubished in The Chronicle' s June 6, 1990 edition.

* It's real gold, it cost $2500, some sort of impregnated unborn calf skin. It's very dramatic and almost unbelievable when you see an artist walk out on a stage and receive an ovation like the one we have witnessed tonight
** Australian promotor [[w:Lee Gordon (promoter)|Lee Gordon]], commenting on Elvis' appearance in St Louis, in 1957.

* Mississippi is also about people helping people. We lead the nation in charitable donations per-capita. When disaster strikes, our people respond with immediate relief for their neighbors, as they did after the Mississippi River flood of 1927 and following devastating hurricanes like Camille and Katrina of recent times and dozens of tornadoes and fires. Elvis Presley helped to rebuild McComb after a January 1975 tornado nearly leveled the place by giving a concert to aid storm victims. Today, Presley's birthplace in Tupelo is among the state's leading travel destinations, rivaling the Gulf Coast and Mississippi River-area casinos that annually pour millions of badly-needed dollars into the state treasure. There are more musicians, singers and other artisans of note per square foot here than anywhere else in America. Presley and Nobel Prize-winning author William Faulkner presided over our creative class, but they have been surrounded by a skyful of bright lights in the artistic constellation.
** Writer [[w:Mac Gordon|Mac Gordon]], in an article published by the Clarion Ledger on December 8, 2017.

* I remember having a conversation with some of the older artists at STAX about when Elvis was breaking in the mid 1950's like the Reverend Bishop Dwight Arnold “Gatemouth” Moore, a disc jockey who had been a huge blues singer in the 1920´s and 1930's and became a gospel singer thereafter. In fact, it was he who said, 'Elvis gave us a second career'. That's what some people thought, but it's like you hear, some thought he was doing great things for African-Americans, bringing a respect to that music. I've read the newspaper articles of the time and the sense of fear and anger that Elvis instilled and the way he was despised was a real jolt, and it remains an amazing representation of America at the time. At the same time, the fact it was a white guy doing it made it different and I think a lot of people did get a new life.
** Writer and film director [[w:Robert Gordon|Robert Gordon]], interviewed by Graham Reid for the Elsewhere magazine and published on November 7, 2013

* In the music world, there had always been a distinction between black and white music, the assumption being that black was R&amp;B and white was pop. But with the explosion of Elvis and rock and roll those clear distinctions began to disappear. In fact, Elvis Presley was the first white artist to blur the lines of color among artists.
** TAMLA and MOTOWN's founder [[w:Barry Gordy|Barry Gordy]]'s description of what Presley meant to the blurring of the colour lines, as mentioned in autobiography entitled &quot;To be loved&quot;&quot; (pp 180-81)

* It’s always been my dream to come to Madison Square Garden and be the warm-up act for Elvis.
** Then Senator [[w:Al Gore|Gore]], accepting the nomination for vice president at the 1992 Democratic Convention &amp; prior to Bill Clinton's (aka &quot;Elvis&quot; by his security staff) acceptance of the presidential nomination, as published in www.graceland.com

* My uncle Perry came in, when I was six and started to create this character in the mirror. Because he was putting on this show, all my family were in the act so I was head of security, wearing this little official gold jacket, and suddenly there are all these screaming people, and my uncle – who has a moustache, a birthmark on his face and no hair – becomes Elvis and he's amazing. When the show was over, it felt like this weird emotional storm had taken over our house and sometimes when I try to figure out why I'm acting, I figure that had to be it.
** Actor [[w:Ryan Gosling|Ryan Gosling]], crediting Elvis and his uncle Perry, who was an Elvis impersonator, with starting his acting career, as published on January 8, 2013 at the Belfast Telegraph.

* That the prime exponent of this new style of music should be a singer who possessed no prior professional experience was an anomaly; (in fact), not only were most of the mannerisms that would define his vocal style present at the creation — from the sudden swoops in register to the habit, derived from gospel singing, of starting his lines with a throat-clearing &quot;well&quot; that gave whatever followed the feeling of a retort, but what was even more impressive was the extent to which his first professional recording was marked by the trait that has characterized every great popular singer: the absolute assertion of his personality over the song; from this, it might be concluded that Presley was simply a &quot;natural.&quot;, but the truth, as ever, was more complex than that.
** Jonathan Gould, on his Beatles-inspired book, &quot;Can't Buy Me Love&quot;, referring to Presley's early SUN Records label recordings and their influence on the Liverpool rock and roll scene&quot; (2007)

* When he shot the television set? He also shot at 50 other people. LOL. What I do remember was when we sat together backstage for two hours. And he was a charming, delightful man. And at one point I said, &quot;That's a beautiful ring you have there.&quot; He said &quot;You like it?&quot; I said, &quot;It's beautiful!&quot; He took it off his hand and put it on mine. He gave me his ring. And years later all the jewelry I had in my house – I trust everybody. I was brought up to believe that you cannot steal, cheat or lie and I've been stolen from, cheated or lied to all of my life. And so jewelry – who needs it? But this one was something special to me and it's gone.
**[[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] in an interview with Christopher Blank, as published on The Commercial Appeal's  August 14, 2004 edition.

* On May 3, 1957, at Hollywood̺'s  Radio Recorders Studios,  Elvis and his band were working on a soundtrack session for “Jailhouse Rock&quot;. [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] had a difficult time laying down the bass line for [[w:(You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care|(You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care]] on his new electric bass, and he eventually gave up, frustrated. Elvis surprised everyone by picking up the bass and playing the part – so perfect that [[w:Jerry Lieber|Jerry Lieber]] performed a scratch vocal, and the two recorded the perfect instrumental master for Elvis to sing a new vocal track over, which he did less than a week later.
** As posted by  [[w:Graceland|Graceland]] on Dec 3, 2015  in an article entitled Elvis Presley, the Musician.

* I never met him but I believe I will see him in heaven because he was very deeply religious, especially in the last two or three years of his life.
** [[w:Billy Graham|Billy Graham]], as reported by San Francisco Chronicle for October 8, 1977.

* We were shooting a  musical number on a merry-go-round where he's taken this little girl to the park and she's riding around and Elvis is singing to her. Well, she was a very young girl and she could only work for a few hours a day with us getting into all kinds of penalties and overtime. So when it came time to do Elvis' close up the little girl wasn't available to do the offstage. So Elvis said to me, 'I always feel better if I can sing to somebody'. He says, 'I wonder if you would mind standing beside the camera and let me sing to you when I do my close ups'. So I had Elvis Presley sing a song directly to me in a movie, and that was quite a thrill. (In fact), of all the people I've ever worked with in my entire life, and I've been a director for 47 years, Elvis was wonderful, the politest and nicest actor I ever worked with. A great guy.&quot;
** Director [[w:William Graham(Director)|William Graham]], in an interview with AMC magazine.

* But that doesn't mean I view systematically scrubbing [[w:Alex Jones|Alex Jones]] from the internet, as Apple, Facebook, and YouTube have tried to do, as a victory. Why? Because I enjoy hip-hop, Elvis Presley, and &quot;The Catcher in the Rye&quot; -- and at some point in our country's history, all three were in the sights of people who didn't approve of its content (or in Elvis' case, hips). Again, I don't like what Jones has to say but I do like the fact I can call him an idiot. That's America, baby.
**[[w:LZ Granderson|LZ Granderson]], African American journalist and political analyst for ESPN's SportsNation, in an interview broadcast on August 6, 2018.

* I was in a Hollywood restaurant having lunch  and he bounded up and said he'd seen me in &quot;King Solomon’s Mines&quot; more than 60 times. I told him I was flattered. Elvis then shook his head sadly and added: ‘I didn’t have any choice in the matter, Mr Granger. You see, at the time I was working as an usher in a cinema where the godawful film was playing. LOL.
**[[w:Stewart Granger|Stewart Granger]],  as noted in an article entitled Star Turns: How Elvis Presley couldn’t stop watching actor Stewart Granger and published in the July 30, 2020 edition of The New European.

* As sound leaves the body, it needs to resonate against something specific. There are options – you can direct that flow of sound to the nose, the throat, the jaw or to the sinus cavities in the face-, but I think what Elvis did – as evidenced by his lip curl – was to aim the vibration stream right at his teeth.
** Renee Grant-Williams, voice coach, and author of &quot;Voice Power: Using Your Voice to Captivate, Persuade, and Command Attention&quot;, explaining where some of the power to please the ear, in Elvis' voice, may have come from, as published in Newsreleasewire.com, on December 12, 2006

* I believe in moments that change everything, are powerful, mostly unplanned, and define lives. I remember the exact moment I met Toni. We were both at Batson Children's Hospital, she as a patient with her mother, and I was the visitor. I was with a team of people whose entire purpose in being there was to treat the soul while the physicians treated the body. We were responsible for giving children moments of relief from months of pain. Toni needed a moment. She had not felt like coming out of her room in a while. Leukemia will do that. This was our first moment. Our next was Hallowing also at Batson. Toni's mother and I exchanged numbers, and I stayed in touch regularly. She told me Toni's whites were very low and she was in isolation. No visitors. Our final moment was at the end of 2016, when Toni introduced me to a song I'd never heard before, in a church of all places. I sat in the back by myself until Toni's Childlife workers from Batson came to show their respects and maybe have one more moment and then we listened to Elvis Presley sing that &quot;There must be peace and understanding sometime, strong winds of promise that will blow away, the doubt and fear&quot; What a moment! I wish I could say I planned all of my life-changing moments, but I can't. Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” I planned to be at Batson, but I didn't plan the moment. That was all God and a little girl named Toni. Now, I'm so thankful for unplanned moments. Those little bits of peace and understanding from God and someone else who had no idea they were shaping my life. If we can be anything for anyone, why not a moment? Why not live Elvis' song and be a strong wind of promise that blows away someone's doubt and fear.......if only for a moment?
** Justin Graves, Director of Fellowship of Christian Athletes at Mississippi College, in an article published by the Clarion Ledger on 29 December 2017.

* Some details just get lost to history. There were many people involved in the effort. Elvis was certainly the most high-profile, but without his help it would have taken much longer for the Arizona Memorial project to come to fruition.He was very patriotic, which I think is lost sometimes too. Just one of those stories that needs to be told in the larger picture of December 7, 1941 and all those who gave so much effort to see the men of Arizona memorialized properly.
** Tim Gray, CEO and founder of the WWII Fiundation, when asked why Elvis had not gotten the recognition he deserved for his role in raising funds to build the USS Arizona memorial, as noted in a march 25, 2021 review by the EPNews Examiner on the subject of the PBS documentary released on December 7, 2021.

* I don't think it is an exaggeration to say he remains is the most influential person to ever come from Mississippi. And we've had a lot Mississippians who have left their mark on the world. But Elvis changed the world.
** [[w:WJMI|Walt Grayson]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, on the eve of businesses opening in the US after the first three months of the  Coronavirus pandemic,  as noted in his article entitled &quot;Mississippi Moment: Elvis Presley’s impact on music&quot; ,as published in WJTV's May 20,2020 online edition.

* i) I loved Mahalia Jackson, all the great gospel singers, but the most important music to me was those hip-shakin' boys, like Wilson Pickett and Elvis Presley. I just loved Elvis Presley. Whatever he got, I went out and bought. But I liked “Love Me Tender” the most. In fact, Elvis had an influence on everybody with his musical approach. He broke the ice for all of us ii) Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, David Ruffin, Eddie Kendricks, you know, I liked them all. See, we were used to the Motown era and the Stax era. And I really had an Elvis Presley collection of records, myself. I lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I liked all the Elvis records, had no idea I would move to Memphis, Tennessee, and (in fact) I didn't know Elvis lived in Memphis.
** [[w:Al Green|Al Green]]'s answer as to what music did he listen to as a 13 year old kid, growing up, as published in Al Green's Wikipedia page ii) his reply as to which singers influenced him the most, from interview with Wax Poetics

* Elvis manages to pull off exponential, seismic shifts in energy, unleashing hoards of it through his voice whilst, within the space of a second, racing up the highest, most absolute vocal intensity; it's almost voyeuristic to see a single performer put so much energy; you look around to see if it's really possible; the voice just becomes a big tank panzering through the screen, punching in chorus after driving chorus and it is insanely, inexplicably thrilling seismic TV, bigger than the moon landing, a one-man volcano of energy; he makes it seem so damn effortless and, despite all the waiting and expected attention during the solo numbers, he always puts in an on-performance, the three unflagging takes of &quot;If I can Dream&quot; all intense, committed; and he does this through vocal performance alone, not moves; this is probably one of the few times where the vocals mattered most to him, and it shows; after days of intense singing, he hardly even loses his voice; I challenge any current pop singer to match this three-day heavy intensity, this sheer rock and roll energy.
** Francis K. Green, as excerpted from his review of Elvis' TV Special, shot at the NBC Burbank Studios over three days in the summer of 1968, and as published at SLOWREVIEW.COM

* His  flip-flops in 1988 on abortion and other issues so important to Deep Blue State voters was so legendary that  Dick Gephardt became a running joke in [[w:Berkeley Breathed|Berkeley Breathed]]'s &quot;Bloom County&quot; comic strip. After being abducted by aliens, 30-something permanent frat boy and womanizer [[w:Steve Dallas|Steve Dallas]] underwent a process of &quot;Gephardtization&quot;ː  On board their spaceship, the aliens had originally planned to transplant Elvis Presley's brain into Steve's head. However, after Steve threatened the aliens with a lawsuit, they decided to perform the &quot;Gephardtization&quot; process on him instead, which was the same procedure used previously on Dick Gephardt to completely reverse opinions and attitudes.  After being presumed dead by the residents of Bloom County, Steve was zapped back to earth a few days later. To the whole county's amazement, he was now a sensitive, caring liberal and feminist. He also stopped wearing his trademark sunglasses, quit smoking, and got a perm.
** [[w:PJ Media|Stephen Greene]], quoting a Berkeley Breathed'comic strip, in an article quite  critical on Dick Gephardt entitled ̊̊&quot;Democrats Can Kiss Ohio Goodbye̊&quot;, as published in PJ Media's April 22,2019 edition.

* I was making for the door when he opened his eyes, blinked, as if he wasn't sure for a moment what I was doing there. He twitched a shoulder toward the phone and said ‘Would you mind calling room service and ordering me a fried-egg sandwich?. At that moment, it might have been clear I was born to be a restaurant critic. I just didn’t know it yet...
** Writer and restaurant critic [[w:Gael Greene|Gael Greene]], recalling the last words Elvis said after she, inter-ália, interviewed him at the 24th floor penthouse suite atop Detroit's Book-Cadillac Hotel (now Westiin) immediately after the second of two shows he performed on 31 March, 1957 at the city's Olympia Stadium, as noted in her biography &quot;Insatiable&quot;

*  It's easy to buy his pitch; after all who knows better than Vladmir Putin what the threat of foreign interference can mean for an unstable government? But the truth of the matter is that his “wall” will serve only to isolate the people of Russia from the world. Putin will have an “off” switch if an election doesn't go his way or a foreign press publishes some dirt he doesn't like. He'll have the power to disrupt his people's communication and keep open-source idea exchanges at arm's length. Sure, data finds a way. Just like Levi's blue jeans and Elvis Presley records took up residence in the basements and attics of rebellious Russians in the 1950s and 1960s, the people of Russia will find a way to circumvent the censors and access the world-wide-web. But not all of them. Many will embrace the change.
**  Tristan Greene, qwriting for [[w:The Next Web|The Next Web]], as published in their December 3, 2019 edition  in an article entitled &quot;Vladmir Putin is extricating Russia from the world-wide-web&quot;,

* Well, what strikes me about it is there may be a lesson here in how the great wheel turns, that is, in 1956, when Presley hit the national  scene and some of us rock 'n' roll aficionados found him entertaining it's safe to say, I would guess the art section of the &quot;National Review&quot; didn't greet him at the time with hosannas. And now, by the time he died, he becomes  Middle America's favorite guy, the guy who was nice to his mother, emblematic of the values that people thought 20 years earlier he was challenging?
** [[w:Jeff Greenfield|Jeff Greenfield]], in a rethorical question to the National Review's William Buckley Jr. who surprised him with his deep appreciation for Elvis'voice, in an interview  aired at CNN on September 3, 2001

* So was he The King? Not to me. But he was The King to millions and that has to be respected. They gave him “burning love”. He gave it back, and I’m very glad that I had grown up enough to see that.
** [[w:Bonnie Greer|Bonnie Greer]],in her editorial for the New European entitled &quot;Understanding the Burning Love for Elvis&quot;, as published on their August 10,2022 edition. 

* Returning to my car after buying the tickets, four huge guys came toward me down the alley. One looked familiar, then I remembered the picture my girlfriend had shown me. ‘Are you Elvis Presley?’ I asked. ‘I surely am,’ he replied. I asked for his autograph and got it. When I gave it to my girlfriend, she fainted.
** [[w:John Grier|John Grier]], for MYAJC, recalling his attending one of Elvis' 4 back to back performances at Atlanta's  Paramount Theatre on June 23, 1956, as published on 9 January 2016.

* Ok, so I think Elvis would've dug Bruce, because he not only sings from his gut and heart, he paints really deep canvases with his words. Even if you can't stand his voice, no one, but no one, can take away his incredible talent of writing. Man to get Elvis singing a Bruce song, WOW!! Anyways, so I was in Hollywood shooting an escape from a straitjacket hanging upside down on the Hollywood sign, and my photographer said let's eat at George Santo Pietro's Restaurant. We got there and it was sparsely occupied a few tables, very private and next to me and just behind me sat Bruce Springsteen eating with someone else (I was told later it was a guitarist from the Stones) I got nervous and my date said go up and say hey. I waited for the guitarist to leave while others in the restaurant left. Here's my chance, should I? should I? Oh shit. So I said &quot;Hi I'm Michael Griffin. I'm in town shooting a show and I love Elvis music and yours&quot;. Holy crap Bruce said sit down. We were talking and ordered another pizza, US$34 for that pizza and stuff. We kept going on and on about Elvis and the feel of music in the gut and how when I was given a Bruce record (the River) I finally found that OTHER guy who sings from the gut and writes it perfectly too. Bruce was incredibly nice, just down to earth cool guy no airs about him. Dinner ended and I thoroughly enjoyed my expensive pizza with The Boss at Santo Pietro's...
** [[w: Michael Griffin|Michael Griffin]], escape artist, as published in linkedin.

* Elvis is Dead And I Don't Feel So Good Myself
** [[w:Lewis Grizzard|Lewis Grizzard]], from his 1984 book of  the same title.

* So we made plans to go to a local football game, and a Greyhound bus pulled up in Graceland so we all got in, wives, girlfriends, everyone. We watched the game, had a great time. Before the end of it, Elvis wanted to leave, so the bus was now en route to Graceland when suddenly there was a railroad crossing, and a train stopped there, so we couldn't advance. Elvis opens the door of the bus, there is no one outside, very dark, ghetto territory, so Elvis keeps walking alone, goes through between two train cars, so I followed him, and we finally see a liquor store, with eight African American middle aged men  seated on the curb drinking. He walks up to each one, introduces himself as Elvis Presley and then asks, &quot;Does any one of you have a car&quot;? One guy says that he does, he stands up and says, &quot;Yes, I do&quot;, so now Elvis asks him if he can take us to Graceland. It was a very old Olds, with no windows. Elvis gets in, and off we go, me, Elvis, and three of the eight guys, to Graceland. En route, he said he would give them 100 bucks, but he had no money, and neither did I, or so I thought. Once we got to Graceland, they honked, but the guard does not recognize the car, so he goes back into the gate. Elvis stick his head out the window frame, orders the guy to open the gates. And then, what does Elvis do next? He takes the three African American guys he just met through a personal, midnight tour of Graceland. After that, he gives each a hundred dollars, the three bills I had in my pocket, all along, but didn't remember having. That was Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Dick Grob|Dick Grob]], Elvis head of Security, in an interview filmed in Memphis, in January of 2018, and as verified in a book by Shirley Connelly, a friend of the Presley family who was a witness on their arriving at Graceland together in the car that night.

*  The interesting thing about how that song came about was, it was a tribute song (for NBC's &quot;Elvis All-Star Tribute&quot; in 2019). We all got assigned different songs to sing, and that was the song they gave me. When I was talking to the producer and director of that show, we were discussing the fact that Elvis actually liked that song because it had classical roots, because it was based on (19th-century Italian song) &quot;O Sole Mio,&quot; and Elvis actually really liked classical singing. And in a lot of the songs that he sings, but especially on that one, he really opens up, he's more operatic. And so we really leaned into that. 
** [[w:Josh Groban|Josh Groban]], in an interview with John Staton of the Wilmington Star News  on how he came about performing &quot;It's now or never&quot;, and published on their July 11, 2022 edition.  

* The Writers Institute's intimate dinner gatherings – typically 10 or 12 seated at a round table with a modest buffet from our University at Albany campus food service – are a reminder that wonderful things happen when we turn off our mobile devices, make eye contact and actually engage in the give-and-take of dialogue. At a recent dinner, the conversation swung around a couple of otherworldly experiences. One story revolved around a &quot;possessed&quot; Elvis Presley clock, actually a detour into paranormal activity. The Lady who spoke and her husband, explained that they were both fans of Elvis so they made a pilgrimage years ago to Graceland, where they purchased a kitschy clock that featured Elvis swiveling his hips in sync to the movement of the clock's tick-tock. The batteries had long died, but they left the clock on the wall for sentimental reasons. A decade later, the Lady described that while she watched a recent documentary on Priscilla Presley, the clock surged back to life and Elvis began swiveling his hips once more after years of stoppage. I was the dubious journalist again, arguing that so-called dead batteries retain a small amount of voltage even though they stop powering a device. Sometimes, they mysteriously recharge, but she refused to yield to the notion that the clock's unsettling movement could be explained by natural laws...
** Writer and journalist Paul Grondahl, in an article entitled &quot;Dinner conversation returns one Elvis clock...&quot; as published on the [[w:Times Union (Albany)|Times Union]] on March 6, 2018

* In western art song and opera, voices like those of Kathleen Ferrier, Luciano Pavarotti or Maria Callas have the capacity to leap out from the score to touch anyone who has ever heard their unique sound. There have always been certain singing voices that seem to reach out and speak to something beyond most of the others. Some great voices do this, in part, because their distinctiveness is intimately associated with some large moral cause: Paul Robeson with racial justice or Joan Baez with civil rights, for example. Others achieve their connection by representing the zenith of a particular cultural tradition: Umm Kulthum in Egypt, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in Pakistan or Youssou N'Dour in Senegal. Still others uniquely embody a time and place in their art: John McCormack with early 20th-century Ireland, perhaps, or Édith Piaf with postwar Paris. In 20th-century pop music, the voice of Elvis Presley is as iconic and identifiable in the west as that of Teresa Teng – whose voice was memorably described as “seven parts sweetness, three parts tears” – is in the east. No list of examples will be exhaustive. There are, it goes without saying, many others. Yet when Rolling Stone selected Aretha Franklin as the greatest popular singer of all time, we all understood why.
** [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'s laud of Aretha Franklin, in an editorial published on the day after her death and entitled &quot;The Guardian view on the secret of singing: whatever it is, Aretha knew it!&quot;

* An evening auction of &quot;Post-War and Contemporary Art&quot; held by Christie’s of New York (USA) on 12 November 2014 raised a record art auction total of   $852,887,000 (£598,244,000). It featured works by artists including Andy Warhol, Roy Lichenstein, Willem de Kooning and Jeff Koons. Two silkscreen-on-linen prints by Warhol – &quot;Triple Elvis (Ferus Type)&quot; and &quot;Four Marlons&quot; – alone made $81.9 m (£57.5 m) and $69.6 m (£48.8 m), respectively.
** The [[w:Guinness World Records|Guinness World Book of Records]]'s  entry for the highest total to have ever been sold in a single art auction, the [[w:Triple Elvis|Triple Elvis]] being the top seller of the two-and-a-half-hour auction. 

* Elvis got that number and made it famous, but I didn't get a chance to shake his hand
** [[w:Arthur Gunter|Arthur Gunter]] bluesman who wrote &quot;Baby let's play house&quot; in 1954, a song covered by Elvis at SUN, in 1955 with the latter being on the one hand, the main inspiration for Jimmy Page's decision, at age 12, to take up a life in music, as well as the source of one of the verses of a Beatles's composition, namely &quot;Run for your life&quot;, on the other.

* But the core of the album, and perhaps the core of Elvis' music itself, are the soulful gospel-flavored ballads. Well, it's often seemed as if Elvis bore more than a passing resemblance to soul singer Salomon Burke. The way in which he uses his voice, his dramatic exploitation of vocal contrast, the alternate intensity and effortless nonchalance of his approach, all put one in mind of a singer who passed this way before, only going the other way. And here he uses these qualities to create a music which, while undeniable country, puts him in touch more directly with the soul singer than with traditional country music. It was his dramatic extravagance, in fact, which set him apart from the beginning, and it is to this perhaps, as much as anything else -- to the very theatrics which Elvis brought to hillbilly music --, that we can trace the emergence of rock &amp; roll.
** [[w:Peter Guralnick|Peter Guralnick]], who wrote major biographies on Robert Johnson, Sam Cooke and Elvis Presley, reviewing the album ''Elvis Country'' (1970), for ''Rolling Stone'' magazine in 1971.

* When one studies the properties of atoms one found that the reality is far stranger than anybody would have invented in the form of fiction. Particles really do have the possibility of, in some sense, being in more than one place at one time. Thus, and essentially, anything that can happen does happen in one of the alternatives which means that superimposed on top of the Universe that we know of, is an alternative universe where Elvis Presley is still alive. This idea was so uncomfortable that for decades scientists dismissed it, but in time parallel universes would make a spectacular comeback. This time they'd be different, they'd be even stranger than Elvis being alive. There's an old proverb that says: be careful what you wish for in case your wish comes true. The most fervent wish of physics has long been that it could find a single elegant theory which would sum up everything in our Universe. It was this dream which would lead unwittingly to the rediscovery of parallel universes. It's a dream which has driven the work of almost every physicist.
** [[w:Alan Guth|Alan Guth]], physicist at MIT, and narrator Dilly Barlow, as extracted from the BBC-TWO documentary &quot;Parallel Universes&quot; originally shown Thursday 14 February 2002

* So there we all were, Pete Seeger, Too Rodriguez and I, in Denmark, a few years after the fall of the Berlin Wall, playing at a Folk Festival with thirty thousand screaming, drinking, laughing, singing people. And we were all singing an old Elvis tune! It was then that I suddenly realized how proud I was to come from a country where our songs are known and loved all over the world, by all kinds of people. I also learnt a little bit about what folk songs are, or are not, in fact sometimes they are not even about anything. Again, there we were, singing an old Elvis tune that did not say anything about the state of the world, but boy, more was being said about who was singing it and about how they were feeling, than we trying to sing a lot of songs that try to say a lot of stuff...
** [[w:Arlo Guthrie|Arlo Guthrie]]'s inter-play with the audience as he sang &quot;Cant help falling in love&quot; with Pete Seeger on banjo, and Too Rodriguez on backing vocals as a tribute to Elvis, on August 8, 1993.

* I'm not much of an Elvis Presley fan, but when I found an &quot;Elvis 24 Karat Hits!&quot; LP a few years ago I played it once or twice and filed it away. In the midst of writing this review, I by chance played that LP again. This time Elvis spoke to me, his phrasing and power, and his band's rockin' rhythms got my juices flowing. The mmf-1.5 brought me closer to Elvis' music, something I had not ever noticed before...
** Steve Guttenberg, former projectionist and, in 2018, a [[w:CNET|CNET]] contributor, reviewing the Music Hall mmf-1.5 turntable for CNET on February 3, 2018

== H ==
* I had visited him several times back in April. No name marked the thick metal door that sheltered his loft from the neighborhood derelicts and crack vendors, and the ground-floor studio/kitchen/dining room looked both busy and cozy. The floor would always be covered with unstretched canvases in various stages of completion, and he would trot messily across them to fetch me a beer or tend to the spaghetti. The place looked lighthearted, with dark-side-of-Pop touches—portraits of Elvis and James Dean—and a giant birdcage adorned with a rubber bat and containing the bird's nest that he sometimes wore to parties. The only visible artwork not by him was a portrait of him by his one-time mentor [[w:Andy Warhol|Andy Warhol]].
** Art critic {{w|Anthony Haden-Guest}}, describing the ambiance of {{w|Jean Michael Basquiat}}'s loft in New York City, a few months before his untimely death on August 12, 1988, as published in Vanity Fair's November 1988 edition.

* I think and my roots are blues, country, soul and rock. Rock is fourth believe it or not. I did not start out playing rock; I started out playing blues and R&amp;B. When I was going back – my first musical experience with my father was listening to Hank Williams. And then Elvis Presley came along and my big sisters went with that, so that's really country/rockabilly/blues. So those are my roots and they are really starting to come out even deeper...
** [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]], frontman and guitarist for bands Montrose and Van Halen, the latter when replacing David Lee Roth.

* I once had a personal visit with Elvis Presley following his 1972 concert here in San Antonio. He had a deep sensitivity for the Lord, received Grammy's for his religious recordings, &quot;How great thou art&quot;, and &quot;He touched me&quot;, sang about heaven with a real passion and touched the lives of people even through a record. I know some of you are going to start writing me nasty letters for saying such nice things about Elvis Presley... Please... when you get to be perfect... then send me the letter.
** Sermon by [[w:John Hague|John Hague]], Pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas and also CEO of the non-profit corporation, Global Evangelism Television (GETV).

* Elvis touched the life of every ear that heard him, and you could not help to LISTEN while he sang.
** {{w|Merle Haggard}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I believe the three most important events of the 1950's were the Brown vs Board of Education decision, the building of Levitttown and the emergence of Elvis Presley.
** Writer and journalist {{w|David Halberstam}}, as noted in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* I was asked who would be my dream opponent in the ultimate game of truth or dare, anyone, living or dead, and I picked Elvis Presley who I love so much that I named my dog after him.
** Actress and singer [[w:Lucy Hale|Lucy Hale]], in an interview with the Inquisitor, as published on 12 April, 2018.

* Ị've always been obsessed with Elvis Presley.
** Alex Hall, Canadian country music artist, as published in the [[w:Digital Journal|Digital Journal]]'s December 15 2018 online edition.

* He was already assured of his ability as a performer since he had been perfecting his style on the road for more than a year. If you look at that first appearance on Stage Show, you'll witness a young confident singer with his own unique style. He would enhance his popularity with five more appearances on Stage Show (February 4, 11, 18; March 17, 24) and would become a superstar by the end of that year. On that historic television debut of January 28, 1956, the spotlight was first shown on the two people who had made it happen – the promoter and the performer – disc jockey Bill Randle and the new singing sensation, Electric Elvis.
** Roger Hall, music preservationist and songwriter, in his essay &quot;Shake, Rattle and Roll: Bill Randle and Electric Elvis&quot;, Elvis Symposium (2003)

* I adored all that period in the history of cinema — everything that spilled forth from the Actors Studio. I actually wanted to be an actor before I became a singer. But when I was 12, I discovered rock ’n’ roll through Elvis Presley. He became a part of my life, had a great voice and was the first rock star I saw in the cinema. His voice, the way he moved, everything was sexy. The first time I saw him, I was paralysed.&quot; In fact, the day he died, my entire youth went with him.
** {{w|Johnny Hallyday}} French rocker, in a an interview for Canadian television in 2002 and with Fort Lauderdale's Sun-Sentinel in 2003.

* In 1957, I missed out on booking Elvis Presley by just $3,000 dollars, and Elvis unfortunately never played The Steel Pier or anywhere else in Atlantic City, ever. It was an unfortunate miss, to say the least. I had negotiated feverishly with Colonel Tom Parker to book him. It all came down to just a few thousand dollars. but I refused to budge on paying Parker’s demand.  This major loss taught me a valuable lesson. By 1958 I was determined to never again repeat that mistake which led me to the most iconic booking in Steel Pier history, which  became better known as the day Ricky Nelson “Rocked The Steel Pier, with  44,000 fans breaking   the all-time attendance record and physically moving the pier, leaving many to believe (Ricky Nelson included) that the pier would collapse into the sea
** {{w|George A. Hamid Sr.}}, recalling the lesson he learned by not booking Elvis in 1957, as told in an article entotled &quot;$3,000 More &amp; Elvis Presley Would Have Played Atlantic City’s Steel Pier&quot; and publishged in WPG Talk's 10 January 2022 edition. 

* The point of Elvis Presley was that, after a dismal eight years on the screen, he returned to the stage where he always belonged and to the grinding treadmill of being on the road, which has killed so many of America's artists; he may not have pushed the boundaries of music farther but when he opened his mouth to release that baritone – the only white voice that could ever match the blues-, all you could feel was his longing and your own stirrings.
** Adrian Hamilton, writing for &quot;The Independent&quot;, on August 14, 2002

* I went to Alana and told her that if she wanted to get married we'd have to get married right there and then. So we got married in Elvis's suite at the Las Vegas Hilton. Elvis was smart, would come over and sing gospel music and we'd have dinner. And I was at his funeral some years later. I flew in on his airplane &quot;Lisa Marie&quot; with the Sweet Inspirations. That was a freaky day when we took him out of Graceland to the cemetery and we were all in the white limousines. A very, very freaky day. Things happened that I'll never forget. The stewardess on the plane told me that his milkshake mug broke that day on landing. And when they picked me up they said the blanket in back, in his bed. had caught fire. And I saw for myself, when they brought his body out of Graceland this huge branch of a tree just cracked. Not some little willow. There was a weird energy happening there and you could feel it.
** Actor [[w:George Hamilton|George Hamilton]] on his marriage to Alana Stewart.

* In the 1956s to 1957s, I began to think about why artists were concerned with things that had nothing at all to do with their everyday lives. We all went to the movies at least three times a week in those days. But most of them returned to their studios and painted monochrome or abstract pictures. That's why I drew up a program in which I wrote down everything that seemed important to me for contemporary art. A kind of manifesto that I hoped would also interest my colleagues — but it didn'. My first artistic realization of this manifesto was the installation &quot;Fun House,&quot; which I designed for the London exhibition &quot;This is Tomorrow&quot; in 1956. In fact, visitors had to squeeze through a narrow corridor past pin-up pictures, hundreds of advertisements, movie posters and spinning color discs, while songs by Elvis Presley and Little Richard alternately blared from a jukebox. With the things I exhibited in the &quot;Fun house&quot;, I tried to reflect the young people's attitude to life. Music, science fiction movies, objects. I was pretty much alone in the exhibition with that. Everyone else was looking back rather than into the future. But it was my contribution that caused a sensation.
**[[w:Richard Hamilton (artist)|Richard Hamilton]], in  an article entitled &quot;Richard Hamilton: Father of pop art&quot; and published in DW-Top stories' 22 February 2022 edition. 

* In 1969, Elvis gave my father the chance to record a song called &quot;Angelica&quot;, a ballad which was originally meant for Elvis to record. Dad recorded it, but Elvis was very distraught when my dad fell ill then died from a massive stroke shortly after, so he not just sent my mother a rose each day dad was in the hospital but then when he passed away, flowers for the next six months...
** Roy Hamilton Jr, speaking to the BBC about the time his father, R&amp;B singer extraordinaire [[w:Roy Hamilton|Roy Hamilton]], who had been Elvis' greatest musical hero for over 22 years, passed away, and as broadcast in a BBC 4 television special on 29 December 2017

* I've heard some musicians say, ‘That man ain’t sayin’ nothing.’ It’s just a matter of rival performers trying to detract from those who are doing business. As far as I’m concerned, a man that sells that many records must be saying something to somebody.
** Jazz pianist and bandleader [[w:Lionel Hampton|Lionel Hampton]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as noted in a December 19, 1957 article in Variety. 

* When healthy and serious, he was flat-out the world's greatest singer. In his voice, he possessed the most beautiful musical instrument, and the genius to play that instrument perfectly; he could jump from octave to countless other octaves with such agility without voice crack, simultaneously sing a duet with his own overtones, rein in an always-lurking atomic explosion to so effortlessly fondle, and release, the most delicate chimes of pathos. Yet, those who haven't been open (or had the chance) to explore some of Presley's most brilliant work – the almost esoteric ballads and semi-classical recordings –, have cheated themselves out of one of the most beautiful gifts to fall out of the sky in a lifetime. Fortunately, this magnificent musical instrument reached its perfection around 1960, the same time the recording industry finally achieved sound reproduction rivaling that of today. So, it's never too late to explore and cherish a well-preserved miracle, as a simple trip to the record store will truly produce unparalleled chills and thrills, for the rest of your life; and then you'll finally understand the best reason this guy never goes away.
** Mike Handley, narrator and TV/radio spokesman, in the 'The Jim Bohannon Show', airing on 600+ radio stations on the Westwood One Network.

* If His Holiness  Pope Francis has 1,728 CDs in his music library,  I suspect that Elvis Presley'  “How Great Thou Art” may be one of his favorite. Not only is it ranked as one of the most popular hymns of all time, but Presley’s version even won a Grammy Award for Best Sacred Performance in 1967. If Mozart “lifts” Pope Francis to God, Presley's  “How Great Thou Art” is sure to at least make his soul sing.
** Keara Hanlon, writing for [[w:America (magazine)|America]] in an article entitled &quot;The Unofficial Pope Francis playlist&quot;, as published on their January 14, 2022 edition.

* At auction, there are many names with a stellar multiplication factor beyond the obvious entertainers, people who have influenced history as leaders, politicians, captains of industry, artists, musicians, sportsmen, people with personal qualities that resonate with a very large marketplace. Therefore, items with a connection to Princesses Diana and Grace, as well as to Audrey Hepburn, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Napoleon Bonaparte, Elvis Presley, Babe Ruth, Muhammad Ali and Yves St Laurent all command big prices at auction.
** Mike Hanlon, auction expert, in an article entitled &quot;The world's most valuable scientific books and manuscripts – an overview of the marketplace&quot; and published in the New Atlas, which he founded, in its edition of October 7, 2016.

* A style and panache that come close to pure magic. Lithe, raunchy, the sweat pouring down his face, he now moves with the precision of an athlete, the grace of a dancer, flamboyant and flashy, sexy and self-mocking, he works with the instincts of a genius to give poetry to the basic rock performance.
** W.A. Harbinson, from his 1975 book &quot;The Illustrated Elvis&quot; in a passage reflecting upon Elvis' 1969 Vegas engagement

* Elvis Presley was an important influence to my generation and we all loved him very much. I wrote a song called “All Over the World,” influenced so much by his ballad &quot;Where do you come from&quot; that the British musician I was working with, Charles Blackwell, put backing singers behind me who sounded exactly like the Jordanaires. I think that had something to do with the success that song had in England. Back in the ’60s, when Elvis wasn’t performing, I always said, “The day he comes back to the stage, I will go to see his show.” When it happened, at the beginning of the ’70s, I made the trip to Las Vegas. I was not disappointed at all. I was amazed.
**[[w:Françoise Hardy|Françoise Hardy]], France's top female singer-songwriter of the 1960's, in an interview with Pitchfork and published on May 9, 2018.

* As it is, polls show the public’s trust in the Knesset is devastatingly low. So, if you oppose the death penalty, the fact that the coalition is legitimizing it is a problem. And if you support the death penalty, the fact that this bill will probably change nothing is a problem. The same goes for any of the other bills. What the Knesset needs now is what Elvis Presley once called a little less conversation, a little more action – if only the coalition partners will let that happen.
** Lahav Harkov, in a [[w:Jerusalem Post|Jerusalem Post]] article entitled IN NETANYAHU’S COALITION, PARTIES JOCKEY FOR HEADLINE-GRABBING LEGISLATION, as published on January 4, 2017.

* During the course of their mili&amp;shy;tary action, they became the largest manufacturer of bikes in the world, and through their popularity their reputation and bold image be&amp;shy;came instant staples of the brand. Surprisingly, it was 46 years after the company’s founding that the black leather jacket famous with Harley riders emerged. The outlaw image of riders rocking their jackets on-top of their Harley’s transcended culture with movie actors, legendary singers and superstars, such as Marlon Brando and Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:Harley Davidson|Harley Davidson]]'s transition from its original US military mission to that of an iconic, culturally significant and globally accepted bike manufacturer, in an article entitled &quot;Harley-Davidson: The greatest story on two wheels&quot; and as published in the Times of Malta's February 24, 2019 edition.

* I pretty much started acting out of the womb, all kidding aside, it started when I was at Lebanon High school, actually at the library. It was not long after Elvis died when I had actually started listening to all of his records, so one of my buddies at the football team asked me to do my Elvis imitation, right there so I said I no, and then they said to just do it quietly, and I said that if I did it, it had to be loud, so I went into &quot;Teddy Bear&quot;, and they all liked it, and then they all started to move closer to where I was seated, so then I stood up and it was kind of festive, because it was around Xmas. And then I got on top of a table, and the response was so great that I sort of became a performer, without knowing it. What happened next is that Robin Rogers, a beautiful girl at the school, who knew me as &quot;the best football player&quot; and was there, came up to me and said that she was involved with the school theatre, and that I should join her there, and be an actor. So I did become one, and it was all thanks to Elvis and Robin...
** Emmy Award actor and activist [[w:Woody Harrelson|Woody Harrelson]], describing how he got into acting, in an interview with Jesse Wente, Head of Film Programmes at the Toronto International Film Festival.

* Some horses enjoy greater popularity after they've won the Derby. [[w:Silver Charm|Silver Charm]] who won the 1997 Kentucky Derby, today lives out his retirement at Old Friends Farm in Georgetown, Kentucky. The owners of the farm say that tours of Old Friends Farm have doubled since Silver Charm retired there, likening his appeal to that of Elvis Presley's.
** John Harrington, in an article entitled Most Iconic Horses to Race in the Kentucky Dwerby and published at WallStreetcom on may 1, 2019

* Atheism is not a philosophy, not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.”
** [[w:Sam Harris|Sam Harris]], author, philosopher, and neuroscientist, in A Letter to a Christian Nation

* Many people have been giving him trouble for swinging his hips. I swing mine and have no trouble. He’s got publicity I could not buy
** [[w:Wynonie Harris|Wynonie Harris]] from a 1956 interview quoted in 1956 in an article entitled, &quot;Harlem’s Wynonie Harris, the  Blues Shouter, Rhythm-And-Blues Singer, Who Inspired Elvis Presley&quot;, as published in Harlem World's January 9, 2022 edtion. 

* If ever there were a human equivalent to liver and onions—hated or loved, but no in-between—it was the late E. Hunter Harrison, personally synonymous with the term “Precision Scheduled Railroading,” and whose mention invokes often disquieting debate on theories of management and how best to deliver shareholder value in the short-and long-term. Say “Hunter,” and contemporary railroaders know precisely of whom you speak, a most complex disrupter of the status quo, equally identifiable in his bold pinstriped suits and excessive displays of rock-star-like bling conceivably masking an extension of his childhood infatuation with Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:E. Hunter Harrison|E. Hunter Harrison]], Chief Executive of four major North American railroads, in an article by Frank N. Wilner, entitled &quot;The Unfiltred genious of Hunter Harrison&quot;, as published in Railroad's 8 August 2018' edition..

* Baz Luhrmann's &quot;Elvis&quot; comes out in the summer, and I play B.B. King. That’s really cool, I’m really excited for people to see it. It’s going to be epic,”
** [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]], in an interview published  in the NME's 14 March 2022 edition 

* I met him later at Madison Square Garden. And at that time, I had my uniform, the worn-out denim jacket and jeans—looked like a rag-man and I had a big beard and moustache and long hair down to my waist. They took me to meet him and I'm sitting there, thinking &quot;Well, where’s Elvis, then?&quot; And finally he came out of the back and he was immaculate. I felt like a real grubby little slug and he looked like Lord Siva or something, seemed to be about eight feet tall and his hair was black and his tan was perfect and he had this big white suit, a gold belt about four feet wide and he was towering above me so I just put a hand out and said &quot;Hello, Elvis, how are you?&quot;—just cowering like this little rag-man. (In fact) we all loved him and he's still there in his spirit and in his music...ii) Jesus Christ said &quot;Put your own house in order&quot;' and Elvis said &quot;Clean up your own backyard&quot; so if everybody tries to fix themselves up, rather than trying to fix everybody else up, there won't be a problem.
**[[w:George Harrison|George Harrison]]'s account i) of talking to Elvis, backstage on June 10, 1972, from a ''Creem'' magazine interview in 1987 and ii) from Paul Simpson's The Rough Guide To Elvis p. 215

* If it once was assumed that Elvis fans defined themselves by class, and were predominantly from the lowers stratas, this is an assumption that has long been confounded. His fans are also Presidents, Prime Minister and royals. In May 2014, Prince William and his brother Prince Harry and their cousins went to Memphis for a friend's wedding. In spite they were born after Elvis death, the power of Elvis mystique made them pay their respects just like millions have...
**[[w:Ted Harrison|Ted Harrison]] in his book the Death and Resurrection of Elvis Presley.

* Red, maybe, but Reed was no Elvis
** [[w:David Harsanyi|David Harsanyi]] writing for the Denver Post on May 8, 2016, on the life of singer Dean Reed and the 1989 documentary about his life and entitled “American Rebel”

* He is visionary in the spirit of the savior of the venerable New York Times, [[w:Adolph Ochs|Adolph Ochs]] or, better yet, Elvis....
** [[w:Harvard University| Harvard University]]'s laud of [[w:Ted Turner|Ted Turner]],  in a speech welcoming him back after his not being accepted to attend the college 10 years earlier, as noted by Lisa Napoli of wbur's on her review of the book entitled  'Up All Night' and dated 12 May 2020.

* Presley's long-time manager admitted it to me, over tea, that the real reason why my attempts to bring Elvis to London had failed, was his own uncertain immigration status. Parker was an illegal and didn't want to risk leaving the US – so it was him, not Elvis,”
** Top world rock concert promoter and entrepreneur [[w:Harvey Goldsmith|Goldsmith Harvey]], laying to rest the long-running rock’n’roll mystery of why Elvis never performed outside North America, as published by the Guardian on 31 May,2015

* Elvis, they say, died in 1977, the very same year Orrin began serving in the United States Senate. At the White House, they had just a single medal for the two of them...
** About Senator [[w:Orrin Hatch|Orrin Hatch]], who his colleague Ted Cruz hinted (at a jesting dinner held at The Gridiron Club) might actually be Elvis Presley in disguise, in connection with their having been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom on November 16, 2018, by Pres. Donald Trump, and as reported by the Mail on December 3, 2018.

* Elvis always took the money, instead of whatever the more artistically fulfilling choice might have been.
** [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan Hawke]], as recorded for the 2016 documentary &quot;The King&quot; and in the course of an interview which took place while  relaxing  in the front seat of a 1964 Rolls Royce gifted by Elvis,   on July 4, 1968,   to [[w:SHARE Cancer Support|SHARE]],  a NYC based volunteer organization  dedicated to supporting breast  and ovarian cancer survivors,  so that they could auction it,    which they did that same year,  in the amount of  US$100,000, or the equivalent of US$850,000 in 2016 dollars.   

* Elvis Presley, the quintessential American singer. One of the most celebrated and influential musicians of the 20th century. Forty-one years after his death, he still commands a large and loyal following. His Memphis home Graceland has recorded over 20 million visitors since it opened to the public in 1982.
** Frank Hawkins, for [[w:American Thinker|American Thinker]], naming Elvis amongst the top forty Americans in an article entitled &quot;The greatest Americans of my 8 decades&quot; as published on September 14, 2018.

* I met him at the NBC set of &quot;Laugh in&quot; in June of 1968 because he used to rehearse in the studio for his NBC special that year. Anyways, in walks this guy, and he was soooo beautiful, that it just took my breath away, everybody's breath away. And he walked up to me, and he tussled my hair, and he said 'You look like a chicken that's just been hatched'. 'And I didn't know what to think, I thought it was a compliment. But my god, I've never met a guy with so much charisma in my life'
** [[w:Goldie Hawn|Goldie Hawn]], in an interview with UK show-host Jonathan Ross

* Elvis was a giant and influenced everyone in the business.
** [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I just loved him!!!
** [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hugh Hefner]]'s laud of Elvis on the day after he introduced Hefner to the audience at the Las Vegas Hilton, on January 29, 1974.

* I remember the revelation it was to me when I realized I'd rather be smart in the way Elvis Presley was than in the way, say, Ludwig Wittgenstein was. The thing was, you could imagine you could be smart like Wittgenstein by just thinking hard enough, but Elvis just had it. It was almost spiritual. A kind of grace.
** [[w:Richard Hell|Richard Hell]], singer, songwriter, bass guitarist, and writer, as noted ingoodreads.com

* We were on location in Crystal River, FL (Weeki Wachee Mermaid Show), where I had him all to myself when what seemed like thousands of people showed up to see him there. They were standing behind a wire fence meant to keep them away from him and I was really overwhelmed by it, because I'd never seen such madness for someone. He then sent me back to the place we were all staying and remained there signing autographs for about three or four hours. And I was so touched by that. He really revered his fans. He was lovely with them. I was very impressed and it was really one more thing to love Elvis for.
** [[w:Anne Helm|Anne Helm]], telling film critic John Beifuss about the time she co-starred with Elvis in &quot;Follow that dream&quot;, as published by EIN on their webpage on June 19, 2010.

* I got to see him twice. The first time he played the Catholic Club, which was like a gymnasium at the local Catholic high school. He and Scotty Moore and Bill Black — a three piece. He was hot. He wasn't famous yet but he was hot. I think he had put out, like, three records that I had heard. The girls were there, too and you couldn't really hear because they were starting to act up.
** [[w:Levon Helm|Levon Helm]], drummer for The Band, remembering a 1955 Elvis show in an interview with ''Entertainment Weekly''.

* These three people, John Wayne, Elvis Presley and Pope/Saint [[w:John Paul II|John Paul II]] they've left their mark on the world in a very good way. Out of all the movie stars, John Wayne was the biggest, and, in my eyes, the greatest singer of the century was Elvis. And, as to your question, the greatest holy man is John Paul II. In fact, he stands out from all Popes, bar none.&quot;
** Jacinta Henderson, from Belfast, being interviewed by the BBC in connection with Pope Francis' visit to Ireland in August of 2018 and answering, inter-alia, who her favourite Pope is.

* We were surprised when we received the certificate in the mail, and very honored. We had no idea. It’s interesting to know about all the previous Kentucky Colonels, amongst government leaders and others like Elvis Presley, George Bush, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Muhammad Ali, Norman Schwarzkopf, Tiger Woods and Pope John Paul II.
** Marlene and R.B. Henderson, on their having been commissioned, individually, as a [[w:Kentucky Colonel|Kentucky Colonel]], the highest honor awarded by the Commonwealth of Kentucky for Ambassadors of goodwill and fellowship around the world, as published in the 24 October 2018 edition of SWVA today.
 
* One of his favourite musicians to watch was Elvis Presley. In fact, Jimi specially idolized him, loved his music but more than that he liked the passion he showed on stage ii) He'd play for me all the time when I was a kid. After our mother was gone it was hard on me, and I had a hard time sleeping some nights. Jimi would hear me crying sometimes and come sit on the bed next to me and play me songs on the guitar to help me relax until I could fall asleep. He played a lot of Elvis songs to me, especially &quot;Love me tender&quot; and Heartbreak Hotel.&quot; iii) My uncle Al at the time was having financial difficulties so Jimi came to live with us, for about a year, and he would play the guitar on a broomstick, so at that time we are all listening to Elvis Presley. iv) In 1969, I was sitting next to Jimi when Elvis Presley's new Soulful recording of 'Suspicious Minds' had just came out and the DJ started playing it. Jimi reached for the radio, turned up the volume and started singing along. 'Great song'. He was excited Elvis was coming back with new music and live performing. v) Back at the BBC, he chose a bluesie list that included his tribute to Elvis Presley, with Hound Dog, a crowd pleaser which would start to creep into many of his later live shows.
** Elvis' huge influence on the 15-year-old Jimi Hendrix, in particular after seeing him live on 1 September 1957 at Seattle's old Sick's stadium, as published in Hendrix's biography by Lora Green ii) [[w:Leon Hendrix|Leon Hendrix]], recalling his older brother Jimi putting him to sleep, in 1957. iii) Hendrix's first cousin, from an interview included in 'The Jimi Hendrix Story episode 1'. iv) as told by Sharon Lawrence in his book ''Jimi Hendrix: The Intimate Story Of A Betrayed Legend''.

* You`ve got to be progressive. Take Elvis. He's still got plenty of fans and just look at the progress he´s made on his bank statements...
** {{w|Jimi Hendrix}}, ostensibly a reference to his having seen the 1968 TV Special a month and a half earlier and as noted by [[w:Tony Palmer|Tony Palmer]] in Jimi's Royal Albert Hall February 8, 1969 concert.

* I met Elvis in 1968 when he went to the clinic for treatment of saddle sores from riding horses. We treated him after hours. That night, I was in the room assessing Elvis, and he was sitting in the corner talking to me with his head down. I walked over, lifted his chin and said, &quot;Elvis, if you talk to me, you look at me&quot; I thought I was in trouble when my boss, Dr. Nichopoulos called me to his office and, with a solemn look on his face, asked me what I'd said to Presley. I told him and that is when he grinned and said &quot;He liked you...&quot;
** Letetia &quot;Tish&quot; Henley Kirk, Elvis' private nurse from 1968 until his death, telling how she ended up being his personal nurse, from her book 'Taking Care of Elvis – Memories with Elvis as His Private Nurse and Friend', a collection of short stories.

* He was so above the normal person, so intelligent and humble. But look at his voice, its tremendous range, his musical abilities. And he, I mean some men are good looking, some have great personalities but he had it all. And then, I was very surprised, because he used to love to recite the Lord's Prayer. And I was a Christian in my early childhood days, Mom even saying that we had a Bible on our dining room table. But I didn't really know, and I think Elvis was one of the little budding seeds in when we would have our spiritual talks. But I had no clue that an actor would have a love for God or even want to talk about the Bible. That was a surprise, a very pleasant surprise, and he had a part in turning my life around
** [[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|Susan Henning]], who appeared in an Elvis movie, and in a scene in the 1968 NBC special, recalling Elvis and his love of God in an interview with Elvis Australia, published on January 1, 2015.

* The day Elvis Presley died, which is her birthday, I remember her saying that she felt his spirit pass through her. It struck me as an arrogant statement. Now I'd be hard pressed to disprove it.
** Singer songwriter [[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]], speaking about his sister in law Madonna's reaction to the death of Elvis, as published in the New Yorker, on 10 December, 2017.

*  Think too of the impact on the U.S. of earlier immigrant groups that came in search of liberty. Without the scientists who escaped Nazism and fascism in the 1930s and 1940s—such as Albert Einstein, Enrico Fermi, John von Neumann, Leo Szilard and Edward Teller—there would have been no atomic bomb, and World War II would have likely ended with a slow, brutal invasion of Japan at a cost of many more lives. A particularly good parallel with the current plight of Afghans is the evacuation of 38,000 Hungarian refugees to America after the Soviet crackdown on the 1956 revolution, thanks to the Eisenhower administration’s Operation Safe Haven. Giving those victims of communism a home in the U.S. became a national crusade. Among those who broadcast the appeal was Elvis Presley on “The Ed Sullivan Show”; in 2011 Presley was posthumously named an honorary citizen of Budapest. ** [[w:Arthur L.Herman|Arthur Herman]], of the Hudson Institute, writing an opinion for the Wall Strett Journal's August 24, 2021 edition and entitled. &quot;Help Afghan Refugees and They’ll Help America&quot;

* At first it was funny, but then just sad. That's pretty much how many Indonesians felt when they saw pictures of politicians Fadli Zon and Setya Novanto at a 2015 press conference held by American presidential hopeful Donald Trump. It was hilarious because it was so unreal. First, how did they get there, and why? Of all the places to visit in New York, why choose Trump's campaign headquarters? Second, what's with the star-struck faces? Couldn't they play it a little cooler? It's Donald Trump, for heaven's sake, not Elvis Presley!
** Ary Hermawan, in an article dated September 8, 2015, for the ''Jakarta Post''.

* Elvis was both a now underrecognized figure of individual artistic genius and an acknowledged but increasingly underconsidered figure of cultural revolution. The democratic impulse behind rock 'n' roll – the union of black and white, urban and rural, sophisticated and rough – had had been a kind of subterranean reality, especially in the South, for years, but became a marketplace reality across the country at the moment of Elvis' mid-'50s emergence. It was driven by a post-war youth culture whose surfeit of discretionary income had the buying power to turn a pre-existing subculture into mass and Elvis into a star. Before, it may have seemed unlikely in a nation so divided that the many tributaries of American music, and the cultures they represented, could come together in one music and one man, though Elvis was only the brightest star in a broad constellation. Elvis was a figure of great disruption who became a figure of great unity, if only for a little while. Maybe this moment needs that reminder, if we can look far enough to Young Elvis to see it.
** Chris Herrington, writing for the [[w:Commercial Appeal|Commercial Appeal]] on the decision by President Donald Trump to honour him with the 2018 Presidential Medal of Freedom, as published in an article dated November 12, 2018 and entitled '̊What do Nixon, Clinton and Trump have in common? For now, it's Elvis̊̊&quot;.

* While others might have voices the equal of Presley's, he had that certain something that everyone searches for all during their lifetime...
** Singer [[w:Jake Hess|Jake Hess]], interviewed by Peter Guralnick, as noted in page 232 of his book &quot;The unmaking of Elvis Presley&quot;

* We would send him tapes of our games. Jim Brown was his hero.
** [[w:Gene Hickerson|Gene Hickerson]], Offensive guard for the Cleveland Browns of the National Football League (NFL) in a 209 film entitled NFL presents Elvis,

* One scene in Houston was illustrative of the feeling about Presley. While he performed from a portable stage in the center of the Astrodome, some 40 policemen and security guards lined the wall that separates the field from the audience. At one point, a youth in his early 20s walked through a gate and began strolling toward the middle of the field. When a policeman called to him, the young man began running deliberately toward the stage and Presley. Normally, this type of scene will cause an audience to applaud the runner or boo the police, but there was a clear feeling of tension in the Astrodome. What was the intruder up to? All too often, charismatic figures attract the unbalanced. There was an obvious, audible sigh of relief when a policeman tackled the young man a few feet from the stage. The concert resumed but it took a few moments for the audience's attention to return fully to the music. Perhaps more than any other scene in Las Vegas or Houston, the tension shown when Presley was threatened (even the vague possibility of a threat) demonstrates the unique bond between him and his audience. More than a performer, Presley is a phenomenon. It is his exceptional talent as a singer and showman that enabled him to attract his original audience and to attract a new one today. But talent is only one reason he wears a crown. The other reason centers around the special relationship with his audience
** Rock critic and biographer [[w:Robert Hilburn|Robert Hilburn]], for the Los Angeles Times in an article published on Sunday, March 15, 1970.

* There's also a special Elvis section, featuring vintage photos and artifacts such as a midcentury-era leather couch that provided a comfy seat for the crooner, some of which courtesy of late radio icon Tom Perryman, who helped a young Elvis get a foothold in the music industry, seeking out gigs in a variety of venues, from beer joints to the backs of flatbed trucks. Thousands of visitors stop by the exhibit annually to glimpse memorabilia linked to the “King of Rock and Roll.”
** Jacque Hilburn-Simmons, writing about the Elvis exhibit now permanently housed at the Gladewater Museum, in Texas, as published by the [[w:Tyler Morning Telegraph|Tyler Morning Telegraph]] on January 13, 2018.

* I visited eleven countries with Pres. Eisenhower during a massive 1959 peace-building campaign, took a helicopter tour of Washington with Pres. Johnson to see the devastation from the riots after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination, and stood on the South Lawn as a disgraced Pres. Nixon boarded Marine One for the last time and left the White House. I met Arnold Palmer when Eisenhower played golf with him at Augusta National, got the word that Elvis Presley had showed up unannounced at the White House’s northwest gate to talk to Nixon and was at Cape Canaveral to watch the Apollo 11 launch, which first put men on the moon.
**[[w:Clint Hill|Clint Hill]], from his autobiography ''Adventures of a Secret Service agent who served under five presidents''.

* It’s insane the charisma he had. I’ve never seen anything like it to this day. When I saw Elvis on television, I just fell in love with him completely. As a singer, I want to be able to relate to an audience like this man did. Of course, nobody can – he was the best there ever was.”
** [[w:Faith Hill|Faith Hill]], as published in www.graceland.com

* I wear glasses anyway but I wear slightly different ones, and when I'm not working, I tend to grow a bit of a beard or stubble. I very rarely get spotted, but if I'm shaved and I've got a suit on, then I do. But there are ways of not being recognised, just by not catching people's eye and walking fast,&quot; he explains. But I'm not Elvis Presley, I'm just some comic and I haven't been on TV for a while.
** [[w:Harry Hill|Harry Hill]], Irish comedian in an interview for the ''Irish Times'' published on 10 October 2016

* I don’t know about you, but when I see Bill Clinton I think of Elvis Presley. Tonight,the former president tried to ease the suspicious minds of Bernie Sanders’ supporters and make them feel burning love for Hillary Clinton.It was a complicated challenge: Improving the public perception of his wife, who is–in a word–unliked, while he's liked much more. Recounting how they met in college, he was charming. He credited her with inspiring his interest in public service. He made her sound committed, and tireless, while making himself sound like the second banana in their marriage.He called her the best mother in the world, his best friend, a change maker. But Bill Clinton has lost some of his Elvis: This wasn't his best speech; and I don't know if it will change a single vote. If Hillary Clinton wins, then Bill will also be moving back into the White House. So both are applying for jobs.In 1992, when he was a candidate, he told voters they'd “get two for the price of one” if he were elected. In 2016, that will be true again, if she is.
**[[w:Andy Hiller|Andy Hiller]] as published by 2016 Sunbeam Television

* Even in his laziest moments, Presley was a master of intonation and phrasing, delivering his rich baritone with a disarming naturalness. And when he caught a spark from his great T.C.B. Band, Presley could still out-sing anyone in American pop. You can hear it here on inspired versions of Muddy Waters' &quot;Got My Mojo Working&quot;(1971), Wayne Carson's &quot;Always on My Mind&quot;(1972), Chuck Berry's &quot;Promised Land&quot; (1975), McCartney's &quot;Lady Madonna&quot;(1970), Percy Mayfield's &quot;Stranger in My Own Hometown&quot;(1969), Dennis Linde's &quot;Burning Love&quot;(1972) and Joe South's &quot;Walk a Mile in My Shoes&quot; (1970).
** Geoffrey Himes, reviewing the &quot;Essential 70's masters&quot; box-set, for amazon.com

* Elvis Presley had an 8 year exclusive run at the Hilton, entertaining some 2.5 million people, enough to fill the Rose Bowl 25 times over, the city's all time most successful performer.
** Hotelier [[w:Barron Hilton|Barron Hilton]]'s words, as displayed at a plaque affixed to Presley's statue, now located at the Westgate Las Vegas Hotel.

* I am indebted to Scott W. Johnson, my fellow at the Claremont Institute, for many things over the years, but not many rate higher than his &quot;introducing&quot; me to Elvis Presley. I came of age (i.e., reached the 9th grade), just in time for the &quot;British Invasion&quot; and, despite my childhood memories, soon came to think of him as the ultimate in passe; so, I was astonished when Scott told me, a year or two ago, that in his opinion Elvis Presley was the greatest male vocalist of the 20th Century; I had never thought of him in that light, to put it mildly, but that conversation caused me to realize that I had never actually 'listened'; starting then, I did – with the aid of Scott's encyclopedic music collection –, so if you have never gotten past a cartoon image of Elvis, do yourself a favor and 'listen'.
** John H. Hinderaker, of the {{w|Claremont Institute}}, a Harvard Law School Graduate and expert on public policy issues, including income and race, as published in Power.Line, on January 09, 2007

* Even in those conformist years, though, rebels were tinkering at the edges. In 1939, Philly barber Joe Cirello, after experimenting on a blind boy who hung out in his Society Hill shop, invented the duck's-ass cut and rode it all the way to Hollywood. Elvis Presley raised a ruckus with his pompadour. In retrospect, it didn't take much to get hair's cultural watchdogs agitated. There's a famous photo of Elvis getting his hair cut in 1958 as he enters the Army. The barber took a whole inch off the sides. Still, girls wailed...
** Sandy Hingston, writing in the magazine Philadelphia, in an article published on 12 October, 2018.

* I just had to make my own version of one of my favourite songs from Elvis! The idea was to respect the original whilst adding my own “twist”. I had a hard time coming up with a cover art that would be “kitsch” enough for this one. Then I looked over at my cats and there they were – sleeping in an almost-heart-shaped position! Click! nyway, here is a song to get you in to the right mood while preparing for your Valentine’s Day’s date, or to send to your loved ones to tell them how important they are!“
** {{w|Sami Hinkka}}, Fnnish heavy metal bass player, dedication of   Elvis' Cant help falling in love on Velentine's Day, 2022 and as published on thaty date by Australia's Heavy Mag edition of February 14, 2022-.   

* It begins and ends in Sept. 1956 when he returned to his hometown to perform before an adoring, screaming crowd at the state fair. The documentary spends most the time delving into his childhood days in Tupelo, which included sneaking peeks into late-night blues joints and singing at black g̈ospel tent revivals. It's clear that Elvis Presley lived the music before he became a recording sensation.
** Mark Hinson, Democrat senior writer of the ''Tallahassee Democrat'' reviewing what he calls the nothing-fancy documentary “Elvis: Return to Tupelo” (2008), as published on 6 October 2016

* In the spring of 1957, if his life had taken a different path, it might have been possible to see Elvis filling out law school applications, or interviewing for his first job as college graduation approached. But the hardworking son of Gladys and Vernon Presley was already his family's sole breadwinner and already looking, at the age of 22, to purchase them a new home. He found that home on the outskirts of Memphis—a southern Colonial mansion on a 13.8-acre wooded estate. With a $1,000 cash deposit against a sale price of $102,500, he agreed to purchase the home called Graceland on March 19, 1957. He had already bought one house for his parents on Audubon Drive, in East Memphis, but that residential neighborhood had become overrun with gawkers and worshipers as Elvis became a megastar. There was also the matter of the growing entourage of extended family and friends around Elvis driving the need for a larger home base. Officially, Graceland was where Elvis, his parents and his grandmother Minnie Mae lived, but unofficially, it was also the home of the ever-changing cast of childhood friends who surrounded and often drew salaries from Elvis. Many girlfriends and one wife also came and went at Graceland during its 20 years as Elvis's base of operations. Today it is preserved precisely as he left it when he passed away, in his upstairs bathroom, on August 16, 1977. In the years since then, it has become one of the nation's most popular tourist attractions —the second-most-visited house in America after the big white one on Pennsylvania Avenue.
** The Editors of [[w:History (U.S. TV network)|History]] in an article entitled &quot; March 13, 1957, Elvis Presley puts a down payment on Graceland&quot;, as published in their online page on November 16, 2009.

* The opening flips between a fired up Elvis Presley and a leather-clad [[w:Blake Shelton|Blake Shelton]] trading verses on “Guitar Man” against a multi-level backdrop of silhouetted guitarists,then it closes with Shelton looking up as Elvis' image fades into the famous red lights spelling out his first name, basking in the glow of perhaps the greatest marriage of rock &amp; roll and television in history.
** [[w:Hits (magazine)|The Hits Daily Double]]'s laud of the 2 hour NBC Elvis All-Star Tribute to their 1968 Elvis Special,as published in its February 16, 2019 edition.

* When I met him, I had a very small role in his movie, “Live A Little, Love A Little,” but he was very kind to me. He didn't mind when I had to do 5 or 6 takes of a very simple scene. I guess I had expected him to be kind of wild and boisterous, but that was not the case. He ran lines with me, worked out a realistic way I was to knock him down in one scene, was friendly every day, liked jokes and told some good ones. I was smoking a Dutch cigar one day and, when he asked about them, I gave a few to Elvis. The next day, there was a whole pack of those cigars on my chair on the set. We talked about karate and he showed me some moves – even had the prop man set up a brick for him to break. He liked my square-toed boots and asked me where I got them – I heard he bought a half-dozen pair like them in all available colors. We also talked about things we did back home in Mississippi, like squirrel hunting. His boys were around him all the time – I talked a lot with Charlie Hodge. It was a memorable time. I never had any contact with him after that. I could not help but be impressed with how down-to-earth and laid back he was.
** Singer and actor [[w:Eddie Hodges|Eddie Hodges]], recalling the time he met Elvis at the MGM set in Los Angeles.

* And now, his  revolutionary approach to period sets, his signature life’s-a-party filmmaking, his bold visual style and his ability to create a cutting-edge soundtrack seamlessly blending old and new, all converge in a 2022 release we didn't realise how much we needed: ELVIS
** [[w: WhatCulture|Alisdair Hodgson]], on the forthcoming Elvis biopic by [[w: Baz Luhrman|Baz Luhrmann]], as noted in an article posted in  WhatCulture's March 24, 2022 edition  and entitled  &quot;Cannes 2022: 10 Films We Expect To See&quot;

* Elvis shifted our universe culturally like no one has before and he deserves to be treated like an historical figure, like Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, but instead he gets weighed down by sensationalism, and that keep us from the truth. In fact, his story is looked on as one of destruction, but it is a futile struggle to survive, through poverty and then through health issues.  It was hard to be Elvis, no one had done fame like that before, and no one else could do it for him. He was trying to function within his reality.
**  Sally Hoedel in her 2021 book &quot;Elvis; Destined to die young&quot;

* He's not more than 20 feet away, bigger than life. A face worthy of Adonis, with that innocent lock of hair hanging over his forehead and those bedroom blue eyes. The audience is deathly still, as if Pagliacci, the high priest in the white Superman suit up there was praying a collective prayer for all the shattered rebels of bygone eras. I think I see tears in his eyes, but can't tell for sure, seeing as how I am crying myself...
** Social activist [[w:Abbie Hoffman|Abbie Hoffman]], writing about his experince of  seing Elvis at Madison Sqaure Garden in June of 1972, in an article entitled “Too Soon the Hero.” and published in Crawdaddy in connexion with Elvis death.

*  Being around longer than other people, you can’t help but have a certain amount of wisdom that you wouldn’t have had otherwise, and it’s inescapable. I don’t know how you write this, but when I started out, if there had been something released even once a photograph of somebody giving somebody else a blow job, end of career. And now, it makes someone a star. That’s extraordinary. Elvis Presley was on the Ed Sullivan Show and they did not photograph him below the belly button, not his gyrations. I remember women, when I first went to New York to study, every once in a while you’d see a woman crossing the street without a bra, just in a t-shirt, and it was an event, it was extraordinary.
** [[w: Dustin Hoffman|Dustin Hoffman]] speaking about how the woerld has changed, in an interview published in &quot;That shelf&quot;'s March 26, 2015 edition.

* Sometimes I feel my life is very surreal (like when) I looked back the time we wanted to have a tour of Graceland and once there got what we were told was a special tour that was only given to rock bands. So we got to see things that everybody didn't get to see and had our own tour guide dedicated to us. The eternal flame at Elvis' tomb was out that day, so we stood around and sang “Heartbreak Hotel” ala Spinal Tap. Later on I recounted the story to Billy Steinberg and he said, wait-wait, stop-stop, it's a great story but why don't we write a song called “Eternal Flame”? And I said okay. So that's how it started. And along with &quot;Walk like an Egyptian&quot; they both songs went to #1 which was pretty amazing.
** [[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]], singer, guitarist and founder of the US all-women rock band [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], explaining to Classic Rock Music Reporter Ray Shasho how their biggest worldwide hit, &quot;Eternal Flame&quot;, which in early 1989 topped the charts in 9 countries in three continents, came into being and as published in their online page on June 28, 2014

* After we did the pool scene I went back to my dressing room and when I pulled the chord by the door, all of a sudden this huge flame fired at me, it was pouring out of the socket. I was so scared that I shouted for Elvis and so he came running back and pushed the door open, took me out of there and then he invited me to dinner. We talked a lot about the problems he was having, deeply concerned as he was about what was going to happen to him with the Army thing. That night I told him that he'd never have anything to worry about and that his big concern should be that nobody was ever going to say no to him. Now, during the shoot, we were in love and that is what made those scenes great because it was totally believable. It was so intense when we did it, and when we were on film that I even made things up so it was so off-the-wall. I mean, when we kissed and I said that I was coming &quot;all unglued&quot; , that was all an ad-lib.
** [[w:Jennifer Holden|Jennifer Holden]], one of his co-stars in Jailhouse Rock,in an interview with EIN in 1999.

* Riding a streamlined rock-and-roll beat, the singer's vocal swoops, slurs, hiccups, moans and growls added up to a new pop singing vocabulary that was instantly memorized by scores of imitators. The antithesis of a relaxed conversational crooning, Presley's style was fraught with tension and animated by an attitude of self-conscious melodrama, woving the whole unwieldy spectrum of pop singing – country-blues, Italianate crooning, Gospel, soul shouting, and honky-tonk yodeling – into an integral personal style. His crowning touch was to accentuate the spontaneously exuberant humor that had always been an ingredient of country, and the blues, but singing it in a way that seemed to poke fun at his own accomplishment.
** Stephen Holding, in the article &quot;A Hillbilly who wove a rock and roll spell&quot;, published by the New York Times on Sunday, July 19, 1987.

*  It was the summer of 1977. I was fresh out of high school, living on my own, generally disinterested in the church but not yet an atheist. Once a month I attended the church I grew up in, and sat with my parents. They'd be happy to see me in church, and afterwards I could score a good Sunday dinner and use the washing machine.Elvis Presley had died a few days earlier, and to my surprise the pastor mentioned it as he began his sermon.Except he didn't eulogize Elvis; he ripped the dear departed icon a new one. “He called himself The King. Well, he was the King of nothing. There is only one King, and that is Jesus.” he said. After about five minutes of Elvis-bashing and equating rock and roll to blasphemy,a Danny Wiggins stood up and said “You're just wrong. Elvis was a good man. He sang Christian music when he wasn't singing rock and roll and he never set himself up as a competitor to Christ. Everything you're saying about him is just not true.” And with that, Danny walked out of the sanctuary and out of the building, while the pastor and a few church elders called out after him. From a different section of the sanctuary, an older woman and her husband took their toddler and wordlessly followed Wiggins  out, while the pastor stood and sputtered at the pulpit. After a minute, he looked at his notes and resumed his sermon from the point he'd left off but the modern Exodus continued: two young men I didn't know walked out, followed a few minutes later by the only black guy in the congregation, and after that by a couple in their 40s.  By the time the sermon ended, eleven people had left. Several of the church's younger members who hadn't stormed out gave the pastor a piece of their mind afterwards.  That's my happiest memory of attending church. That minister had always been a mean old man, and he gave his congregation a choice — believe in God or believe in music. Several of them made a choice he hadn't expected. It was a Sunday that really rocked the church, pun intended.
**  Doug Holland,in an article entitled &quot;Eulogizing Elvis&quot;, as published in the [[w: Anderson Valley Advertiser| Anderson Valley Advertiser]]'s August 19, 2020 edition.

* So what happened to the gifted scholar who spent his years in Rhodesian jail to acquire a long list of degrees and whose only frivolity was his passion for Elvis Presley?
** [[w:Heidi Holland|Heidi Holland]], South African journalist and writer, in reference to {{w|Robert Mugabe}}'s love for Elvis, as noted in her bestselling book &quot;Dinner with Mugabe, the untold Story of a freedom fighter who became a tyrant (page xiv)&quot;

* They sent us all the songs they had clearance for and I wanted to do something that had not been done before, so that's why I chose Elvis' version of The Wonder of you. Not only I had already sang the others, but they would be much of a challenge. I wanted to &quot;jenifferize&quot; that tune and put my own stamp on it.
** [[w:Jennifer Holliday|Jennifer Holliday]], African American Grammy and Tony Winner, in an interview with &quot;Jet&quot; magazine, published on 23 June, 2006.

* None of us could have made it without Elvis
** [[w:Buddy Holly|Buddy Holly]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayf

*  He' just like Elvis, there will never be another like him
** About  [[w:John Holmes (actor)|John Holmes]], as noted by [[w:Don Fernando|Don Fernando]] in Jill C. Nelson and Jennifer Sugar's  2008 book entitled. &quot;John Holmes, a life measured in inches 

* This song I'm dedicating to a really good friend of mine who has passed on. One of the greatest ever entertainers. The song 'Tupelo', it was his favorite song of mine, and it's where he was born. Dedicating this to Mr. Elvis Presley. And I hope wherever he is, he's resting at ease.&quot;
** Blues Legend [[w:John Lee Hooker|John Lee Hooker]]'s intro to his touching tribute to Elvis, in September of 1977, from his live album ''Cream''

* He not only ate in Waco during his years at Fort Hood, but he slept here, too, and the house where he did is now open for others to do the same. The children of Eddie Fadal, a local DJ and businessman who befriended him when the rock 'n' roll star was in Central Texas, have repurposed their family's three-bedroom red-brick home at 2807 Lasker Ave. into a vacation rental with a '50s and '60s flavor and decorated with Elvis memorabilia. It's called, naturally, The Elvis House.
** Carl Hoover, writing for the [[w:Waco Tribune-Herald|Waco Tribune-Herald]], on 13 January, 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Elvis slept here: Waco house frequented by Presley to find new life as vacation rental&quot;

* I regret that it was not possible for me to see you during your visit to our HQ's. However, I do hope you enjoyed the tour of our facilities. Your generous comments regarding this Bureau and me are appreciated and you may be sure that we will keep in mind your offer to be of assistance.
** FBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J.Edgar Hoover]]'s letter to Elvis, dated January 4, 1971 as noted in page 4 of the declassified FBI Presley file which contains 663 pages.

* Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private. He has more hair on his sideburns than Bing Crosby does on his head.
** [[w:Bob Hope|Bob Hope]]'s thoughts on Elvis, as published on Scomedcom and on the book Bob Hope on TV.

* I spent my 71 birthday at his Graceland home, my wife decided it would have to be in his car museum and I even played on his last piano. In fact, President Clinton, who is also a great Elvis fan, recommended on the last time I saw him, to read &quot;Last Train to Memphis&quot;, and I have. I Love Elvis...
** {{w|Anthony Hopkins}}, in an interview at Jay Leno Tonight Show, broadcast on November 4, 2013.

* It was on a Sunday, on September 15, 1967, when a yardman who had worked at Graceland, went to Vernon Presley's nearby home to see about getting his job back at Graceland. Vernon told him the job was not available anymore as it had been a temporary one only, while the regular man, an African American was sick. The yardman complained that it was pretty raw to give his job to &quot;a negro&quot;, then left Vernon's home, after threatening both Vernon and Elvis. A half hour later, according to police reports, he appeared at the Graceland Gates, drunk, arrogant, cursing, then taking a shot at Elvis. He missed his target, and Elvis then knocked him to the ground with one punch.
** [[w:Jerry Hopkins|Jerry Hopkins]], in his book, &quot;Elvis&quot;, detailing the story of yardsman Troy Ivy

* I can close my eyes and remember the day my friend died. It was a hot summer day. He was someone I had never met, who never even knew that I existed. But he was someone who touched my life in a profound way, possibly even saved it in those lonely wee hours of the silent mornings when the demons made their play for my soul. My mom died in February of 1976, when I was 15. I felt lost, depressed, unwanted. I felt my mom was the only person that loved me, and that I would never know love again. And it got worse.I had never gotten along particularly well with my father, and that relationship withered and died in the years that followed. He told me he wished I had died instead of my mom, told me when I fell asleep that he was going to kill me. I spent many nights sleeping under my bed, or trying to surround myself with boxes as I slept sitting up in a corner of my bedroom. The time he stuck a shotgun in my mouth and said he was going to blow my head off, I no longer cared. I just closed my eyes and waited for the gun to go off. The truth is I wanted to die. I used to sleep with a loaded pistol pointed at my head, hoping that I would accidentally shoot myself in my sleep. I thought that I would never know sunshine again. But, through it all, when my thoughts darkened and I'd cry and wish I was dead, there was always one ray of happiness that winked through the storm. It was that friend, Elvis. When I was depressed—and that was often—it was usually the sound of Elvis's voice that brought me back from the edge of the abyss. Yeah, we never met, but he was my friend all the same. He helped walk me through a difficult time in my life and he's been there ever since. Elvis may have left the building, but he'll never leave my heart. I love you, Elvis; and thanks for being a friend.
** [[w:John Christian Hopkins|John Christian Hopkins]], member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe of Rhode Island, author of Carlomagno, and currently living on the Navajo Reservation as published on indiancountrytodaymedianetwork, and published on August 31, 2014

* Elvis invited me out to the 20th Century Fox recording studio. I was standing about five yards away from him, and he was singing into a mike and I couldn't hear him. I thought how strange it was. And then he asked for a playback and his voice came out and I thought 'Wow!' I knew so little about music, it was a different world to me, that he could be actually recording something that would come out that clearly, and yet I was like in touching distance off him and I couldn't hear his voice. I showed him around Hollywood and we got to know each other pretty well for the two weeks. He was a very sweet and innocent naive kind of guy
** [[w:Dennis Hopper|Dennis Hopper]], on being present during the recording sessions of &quot;Love me tender&quot;, as told to Trudie Forsher, engineer at the sessions, who kept it in her diary and as confirmed by top Variety magazine writer [[w:Army Archerd|Army Archerd]] in a document entitled &quot;Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1956)&quot; as digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from Media History Digital Library

* When Elvis Presley first hove into sight like a Kansas tornado on Milton Berle's show, I decided to have none of him. I've neither seen nor met him. l've been appalled by the whole Presley disease. But when I learned he was appearing at our Pan-Pacific, I asked Col. Tom Parker for a couple of tickets and' went; it was a shattering experience. Now I understand why 9000 people lost their minds over him. He's a split personality, young, likable, wanting to please; but when he went into his act, it was very like a neighbor of mine in Altoona who had fits, fell down and writhed on the sidewalk.Elvis rolled over and over on the floor still clutching the mike, but his performance isn't sickness, (in fact), whole families were there, nice people. Dozens of policemen surrounded the stage but turned their backs on Elvis to watch the audience and see that no one moved. They were told if they got up or walked down the aisle toward Elvis the show would be over. In former days police would have been looking at the performance. I've seen performers dragged off to jail for less. But Elvis' audience got the emotional workout of their lives and screamed their undying love for the greatest phenomenon I've seen in this century.
** [[w:Hedda Hopper|Hedda Hopper]],  America's top  gossip columnist,  reviewing the first of Elvis' two Pan Pacific performance for the Los Angeles Times and as vpublished in their October 31, 1957 edition.-

* We lived at Faxon and Stonewall. Elvis Presley and I were good friends and he liked to come over to my house because my mother would make him toasted cheese sandwiches and his beloved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Three years after graduation,  I received a phone call from Miss Ginny Allensworth asking me to come over to Humes and help Elvis with his English because he had been invited to sing on the Ed Sullivan Show. I laughed and said, &quot;Miss Ginny, Elvis wouldn't listen to me when we were in school and I doubt if he would listen to me now.&quot; I did meet Elvis at Humes and he agreed to let me coach him. After talking for a while, he said, &quot;Well, if you are so intent on helping me, why don't you come to New York, too, to be sure I do it right.&quot; I ended up backstage at the Ed Sullivan Show and got to see Elvis perform....
** Bobbie Horne, Elvis' classmate at [[w:Humes High School|Humes High School]],  telling how she ended up accompannying him to his 2nd appearance at the Ed Sullivan Show, as noted in the Class of 1953 werbsite page.   

* I would like to make this like Elvis Street, Elvis Presley. Aretha Street. Aretha Franklin. Her museum and whatever else we can do around here
** Vera House, owner of the home in Memphis, at 406 Lucy Avenue, where [[w:Aretha Franklin|Aretha Franklin]] was born on March 25, 1942, as told in an interview with WALB Channel 10, immediately after it became known that donations paid off all taxes owned by her, thus making it easier for the city to include the home as a tourist attraction.

* Elvis loved gospel music, he was raised on it, and he really did know what he was talking about; we would jam with him for an hour, and he had a feel for it and was &quot;tickled&quot; to have four &quot;church sisters&quot; backing him up; he was singing Gospel all the time, (in fact), almost anything he did had that flavour. You can't get away from what your roots are.
** [[w:Cissy Houston|Cissy Houston]], mother of [[w:Whitney Houston|Whitney Houston]], and a founding member of the &quot;Sweet Inspirations&quot;, one of the Gospel Groups who backed Presley in his live performances, from 1969 until his death, as told to Jerry Helligar in an interview published in &quot;True Believer&quot;, at classicwhitney.com (10 August 1998)

* We were all in a room with my mom and the Sweet Inspirations and this man walks in, with a mink coat, glasses and it wasn't like you say &quot;Nice to meet you, Elvis&quot;. In fact, you don't really JUST meet Elvis, you LOOK at Elvis. Amazingly beautiful
** {{w|Whitney Houston}}, recalling his meeting Elvis as a 6 year old for Access Hollywood, on November 10,2011.

* Elvis' early vocals, was a witches' brew of gospel swoops, falsetto shrieks, growls, howls, and scat...an anthem to human cockiness, to the healing, transcendent powers of the life-force...
** Edwin Howard, of the &quot;Memphis Press Scimitar&quot;, on Elvis' first recordings at the Sun Records label, as published in &quot;Q&quot; magazine

* Afer Elvis Presley, nothing was the same. Rock ’n’ roll might have emerged in the international consciousness 10 months earlier with &quot;Rock Around the Clock&quot;, but nobody wanted to be Bill Haley. Everybody wanted to be Elvis. If you didn't want to be Elvis, you wanted to be with him. With a series of now legendary — and at the time risque — TV appearances on Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey's Stage Show and the Milton Berle Show, &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; rose quickly to No 1 by April 21, 1956. It stayed there eight weeks. Presley, with his first million-seller, had rearranged the musical and social landscapes of a changed America. He was just 21 years and 137 days old. He had 21 years and 30 days to live.
** Alan Howe, writing for [[w:The Australian|The Australian]] on 3 January 2018 in an article entitled &quot;Heartbreak Hotel:Epochal moment in popular culture&quot;

* So what it boils down to was Elvis produced his own records. He came to the session, picked the songs, and if something in the arrangement was changed, he was the one to change it. Everything was worked out spontaneously. Nothing was really rehearsed. Many of the important decisions normally made previous to a recording session were made during the session. What it was was a look to the future. Today everybody makes records this way. Back then Elvis was the only one. He was the forerunner of everything that's record production these days. Consciously or unconsciously, everyone imitated him. People started doing what Elvis did.
** Bones Howe. recording engineer, as quoted in ''Elvis, A Biography'' (1971) by Jerry Hopkins.

* I am over the f.....g moon, I can't wait, so proud of my honey
** Actress [[w:Vanessa Hudgens|Vanessa Hudgens]], upon learning her 7 year companion Austin Butler was being cast to play the role of Elvis Presley in Australian director Baz Luhrman's 2020 biopic and as published in Billboard's July 16, 2019 edition.

* 'Baby, if I made you mad/Something that I might have said?/Please forget the past/The future looks bright ahead/Don't Be Cruel', As Elvis said, it's tempting to forget the past, and look ahead to a brighter future. I suppose that's especially common in the halls of government...
** Bill Hudson, writing for the [[w:Pagosa Springs, Colorado|Pagosa Daily Post]], which he founded in 2004, in an article entitled The Limits of a Recreation Economy, as published on their December 26, 2018 edition.

* Walter Anderson, B.B. King, Jim Henson and Elvis Presley, these are artists who have had a lasting impact on Mississippi culture. That is why the “Mississippi to THE MAX” project is being put in place for elementary school students throughout Meridian Public schools. We contracted with a local teaching artist who wrote four lesson plans integrating social studies, math, science and reading, along with the arts,” In February after all these lessons are taught, our fourth grade students will go to the MAX museum and they will get to see our exhibits there. And in addition to the usual exhibits, they’ll get to see the brand new Jim Henson exhibit. Only fourth grade students are a part of this project since Mississippi history is a topic in their social studies curriculum. And it’s so important I believe for our students to understand that Mississippi has produced some of the greatest, most well-known artists of our time. And the impact that those artists have had on our culture, as well as the nation’s culture, and the world.
** Clair Huff, Art coordinator for the [[w:Meridian Public School District|Meridian Public Schools]] for ABC Channel 10's Mississippi to THE MAX, as broadcast on January 11, 2019.

* Now, to skip a half century, somebody is going to rise up and tell me Rock and Roll isn’t jazz. First, two or three years ago, there were all these songs about too young to know—but. The songs are right. You’re never too young to know how bad it is to love and not have love come back to you. That’s as basic as the Blues. And that’s what Rock and Roll is— teenage Heartbreak Hotel—the old songs reduced to the lowest common denominator. The music goes way back to Blind Lemon and Leadbelly—Georgia Tom merging into the Gospel Songs—&amp;shy;Ma Rainey, and the most primitive of the Blues.(2) It borrows their gut-bucket heartache. It goes back to the jubilees and stepped-up Spiri&amp;shy;tuals—Sister Tharpe—and borrows their I’m-gonna-be-happy-anyhow-in-spite-of-this-world kind of hope. It goes back further and borrows the steady beat of the drums of Congo Square—that going-on beat&amp;shy;—and the Marching Bands’ loud and blatant yes!! Rock and Roll puts them all together and makes a music so basic it's like the meat cleaver the butcher uses—before the cook uses the knife—before you use the sterling silver at the table on the meat that by then has been rolled up into a commercial filet mignon. A few more years and Rock and Roll will no doubt be washed back half forgotten into the sea of jazz. Jazz is a great big sea. It washes up all kinds of fish and shells and spume and waves with a steady old beat, or off-beat. And Louis must be getting old if he thinks J. J. and Kai—and even Elvis—didn't come out of the same sea he came out of, too. Some water has chlorine in it and some doesn't. There're all kinds of water.
** [[w:Langston Hughes|Langston Hughes]], African American poet, social activist, novelist, playwright and columnist, from Jazz and Communication: Poetry Foundation.

* Interest on Elvis has helped generate $3.2 billion in tourism and create 35,000 jobs in our city. In fact, it was the opening of Graceland that was the beginning of tourism as we know it today, in Memphis...
** Jeff Hulett, director of public relations for the Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau, as published on the Star Tribune, on August 31, 2016

* I have been praying for you for many years, you are my bellsheep, I said to him. He didn't know what that meant, so I explained, that in a Holy Land there is one sheep with a bell, so when he moves, the bell makes noise, and they all go his way. So I then told him that I will be praying so that he will have the spiritual experience to lead million of people to our Lord. And it was at this time that he was so moved that he began to weep and his body began to tremble, and I had a prayer with him, asking the Lord to give him strength and peace, through the Holy Spirit. Suddenly, his daughter Lisa Marie came in, and she asked me, &quot;Why is my dad crying&quot;, and then he gently touched her head, asked her to wait outside, and closed the door. I told him that there were many people outside waiting for him, and he said. &quot;No, not now, I want us to stay here, please don't leave me.
** The Reverend [[w:Rex Humbard|Rex Humbard]]'s recollection of the first time he and Elvis prayed together.

* When Elvis first started at Humes, he was really poor. The office sent a letter home about a classmate who couldn't come to school when the weather was bad because he had holes in his shoes, had no warm coat and needed a haircut. It didn't name him, but we all knew who it was. My mom gave me some money and a jacket she had bought for my brother Bill. I was so proud to take the jacket and the money to the office. My parents had hearts of gold. Now, whenever he walked by any one of us, we would look at each other and laugh and giggle. One day he asked one of our classmates why we laughed when he walked by. She was so dumbfounded that she blurted out &quot;It's because we think you are so good-looking.&quot; I guess he was surprised also,so he just broke into a grin and walked away.
** Betty Jean Moore, Liliane Jenne and Rose Howell, three of Elvis' classmates at {{w|Humes High School}}, recalling some of their feelings about Elvis during their high school days at Humes.

* The show I will never forget and that influenced my soul as a performer was in Las Vegas. As soon as the signature intro began, it was like being transported to another world. The anticipation of him walking onstage was electric. Last-minute big shots and their girlfriends handed maître d's thick tips to get closer. His show was so polished and took you on a journey that made you laugh and cry. He was filled with humility and charisma and tongue-in-cheek humor. It was a total roller coaster. The audience was just as exhausted as he was by the end of the show. Backstage, {{w|Roy Orbison}} and I — both quiet and shy — waited with our own guests for Elvis' second entrance, this time to greet us. He bumped his head and said, “I never could figure out how to get out of that door.&quot; That was a pretty good icebreaker. Elvis was concerned as he sat down to chat. “Did I introduce you OK?&quot; Ha! I was in awe and he was worried about my intro. I wish I'd had an iPhone! About 4 years earlier, when I first met him, he didn't shake my hand, he embraced me. And I thought &quot;My god, I couldn't believe it. We became friends. He was one of the greatest, most affectionate people I have ever met.
** {{w|Engelbert Humperdinck}}, in an interview for The Record.com, as published on 4 October, 2016 and from an article published at LA Weekly on February 14, 2019 and entitled &quot;The best gig I ever saw&quot;, recalling the evening show of December 4,1976, which he attended in the company of Roy Orbison and a few of their friends.

* In the end, though, it is his voice above all, that lives on; from the very beginning as a bright and eager youngster capering around the SUN studios, excitedly hammering together two musical styles to create an unforgettable allow, all of his own, right up until the later years, spent booming out ballads in the massive auditoria that were his domain during the seventies – even during the frequently written-off Hollywood years-, his voice never let him down; it is impossible from this perspective to imagine a world without Elvis, his voice booming out from radios and computers, from spaceships circling the further reaches of the galaxy, his voice echoing back; (in fact), it is almost inconceivable that any single individual could have made such a mark.
** Patrick Humphries discussing Elvis' voice, in his introduction to his book ''The Secret History of the Classics''

* We spent the day together, singing 'I Almost Lost My Mind' and other songs. He is very spiritually minded, showed me every courtesy, and I think he's one of the greatest'
**{{w|Ivory Joe Hunter}} rhythm-and-blues singer, songwriter, and pianist, recalling the time Elvis invited him to Graceland, in 1957, as published in Elvis Presley photos com

* The Democratic majority has gone angling for headlines and air-time. On the other side, the Republicans are sycophants who conjured up every conspiracy theory short of blaming the Russian probe on Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Al Hunt|Al Hunt]], commenting on Pres.Trump impeachment efforts in an article published in The Hill' 6 August 2019 edition

* It is a daunting task to unveil a sculpture of a man who is still one of the most recognised figures in the world, 40 years after his death, but I am honoured to be given the chance.
** New South Wales Governor Gral. [[w:David Hurley|David Hurley]], after removing the cover of a bronze statue of Elvis in Parkes, Australia, in an interview with Mark Rayner for the South Parkes Post, and as published on January 14, 2018.

* I was always struck by the idea that when John Lennon was singing back in Germany, he was trying to be Elvis Presley, but it was nothing like Elvis Presley. That's very exciting to me that you can be inspired by something so much that it drives you to this point, but nobody outside of yourself can see that that is where it's coming from.
** [[w:Ted Hutt|Ted Hutt]], UK Grammy Award winning music producer, musician and song writer, one of the founding members for the bands Promise, Great Unwashed, Gods Hotel, Reacharound, and Flogging Molly, in an interview with Musicradar published on July 22, 2018.

* One thing Cary did admit when we worked together in 1966, – the two of us, sitting talking between scenes, was that he had a crush on Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Jim Hutton|Jim Hutton]], as quoted in Cary Grant, the loves of his life, by historian Alan Royce

* As long as I can continue doing what I love, I don't care how I'm described. Maybe I should be flattered – after all Elvis was a kind of revolutionary. Actually, if he had trained he might have been a great opera singer.&quot;
**{{w|Dmitri Hvorostovsky}}'s answer to Peter Culshaw's question on how he feels to have been labeled the &quot;Elvis of Opera&quot;, in an article published by the Telegraph on April 9, 2002

== I ==

* Elvis or Elvis Presley
** Definition of the word [[w:Icon|Icon]], or [[w: Pop icon|Pop icon]], as exemplified by the i) Urban, ii) Free, iii) Merriam Webster, iv) Vocabulary, v) Thesaurus vi) Babylon and vii) Wikipedia dictionaries.
* Early in Eric Idle's &quot;sortabiography&quot;, &quot;Always Look on the Bright Side of Life&quot;, the comedy legend describes how, in the brutal, abusive environment of the Royal Wolverhampton School, it was Elvis Presley who saved his life. The curative power of rock'n'roll kept the spark alive in boys who might otherwise have lost all hope in a cold world. How does it feel, then, a good six decades later, for Idle himself to know that for someone like me, he IS Elvis?
** Ben Pobjie' s laud of UK comedian {{w|Eric Idle}}, who he interviewed for an article published at WAToday, on November 14, 2018

* My only idol is Elvis Presley, I have all his songs and a number of his films at my Miami apartment.
** Pop singer {{w|Enrique Iglesias}}, son of {{w|Julio Iglesias}}  in an article published in Colombia's El Tiempo' s Septiembre 1, 1997  edition.

* Sinatra and Elvis were geniuses, I am not. In fact, I analyzed the singing of Sinatra, Elvis, Nat King Cole, and Marvin Gaye, and they all sang from the gut. They are my favorite singers. In fact, I haven't bought an album in thirty years but you can always catch me listening to Elvis and Marvin Gaye. Of all of them, Elvis is the biggest phenomenon that popular music has experienced in the last 50 years.
** {{w|Julio Iglesias}} Spanish biggest music superstar in an interview with El Periodico, published on August 1, 2016 and in interview for Chilean television in 1981.

* As far as famous people go, once you're known by a single name, you're on a whole different level. Madonna. Bono. And of course, the biggest celebrity of all: Elvis. And if you think of an Elvis recipe, likely only one dish comes to mind, which makes Elvis' Grilled Peanut Butter And Banana Bacon sandwich the greatest celebrity recipe of all time.
** Gwen Ihnat, Deputy Managing editor of &quot;The Takeout&quot; and a staff writer for {{w|The A.V. Club}}, in an article published on August 14, 2018

* Our route home from the library took us east on Main Street. As we passed city hall, I happened to glance over, and there on the grassy field, perhaps the most prominent spot in the town, was a statue of Elvis mimicking the pose from the iconic 1956 photograph of him performing at the Mississippi-Alabama Fairgrounds in Tupelo. Somehow -- and I'm not sure how to put it into words -- my feelings about the man had changed from what they had been two hours earlier. No longer did I see Elvis as the one-dimensional character whose on-stage flamboyance spawned hundreds of impersonators, but rather a shy, ambitious country boy intoxicated by the richness of the music all around him, who absorbed that music and made it uniquely his own.
** [[w:Birney Imes|Birney Imes]], former publisher of The Dispatch, after attending a presentation at the Tupelo, MS, Public Library by Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick, in an article entitled ̊&quot;Partial to Home: Elvis reconsidered&quot;, as published in their April 13,2019 edition.

* Results were calculated using a song's beats per minute (BPM) and energy to determine how fast, loud and noisy a track feels. To ensure safer driving, the music you listen to should mimic the human heartbeat, with a BPM that falls in-between 60 and 100. The Vehicle Finance Provider [[w:Provident Financial|Moneybarn]], after analyzing almost one hundred of the most popular Christmas songs, ranked Elvis &quot;O Little Town of Bethlehem&quot; as the fifth safest, with &quot;Carol of the Bells&quot; by John Williams being the safest, and ̊&quot;Underneath The Tree&quot; by Kelly Clarkson, the least safe.
** Study published by [[w:i (newspaper)|inews]] in an article entitled ̊&quot;The most dangerous and safest Christmas songs to drive to̊&quot;, as published on December 18, 2018.

* Who would have thought, as a young kid walking along the streets of Birmingham, that I would one day be mentioned in the same breath as Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], English songwriter, lead guitarist and one of the founding members of Black Sabbath, commenting on his being recognized with a Grammy Lifetime Award in 2018, as noted by Birminghamlive on December 23, 2018.

* We've played this song for a couple of years now and we really wanted to capture it live so we recorded it acoustically for the 7 inch... it's a well travelled song – not just for Elvis, and one that means so much to us and our journey so to say we're proud of it coming out on vinyl is a massive understatement
** Taylor Jones, of [[w:Into the Ark|Into the Ark]], the Australian duo which participated, went to the finals and ended up as the runners up in the 2017 season of The Voice, speaking about their video, a cover of Elvis' &quot;Burning Love&quot; as published in Entertainment Focus on January 4, 2018.

* At a certain point, the absurdities pile one on top of the other to such a height, that any form of denial of history is legitimated by the UNESCO approach. If there are no Jewish ties to the Temple Mount, one might as well say that Elvis Presley signed the American Declaration of Independence, such is the level and the type of discourse UNESCO is engaging in.
** Abridged from an editorial by the Intermountain Jewish News, strongly remonstrating how UNESCO is now handling the affairs of the Jewish state, as published on their online page on October 20, 2016.

* While in Italy, my brother Ira got a guitar and visited a teacher for an introductory lesson. He saw the teacher's long nails on his right hand and was told that he would have to practice classical music. Absolutely not, said Ira, I want to be Elvis Presley. So then I volunteered to take his place and had an instrument custom-made, just to know that it was something personal, that I wasn't sharing it with other kids, like a piano, and that impressed me. It was something I could cradle and caress. When you hold a guitar, it becomes part of you. You can feel the vibration. I was a shy kid. So being able to play something that wasn't loud and bombastic, it expressed my own feelings.
** [[w:Sharon Isbin|Sharon Isbin]] classical music guitarist and founder of the Juillard School's Guitar Department, explaining to reporter Michael Anthony of the Minnesota Post how she came to love the guitar, during her early years in Italy, as published in the 21 November 2014 online edition of the MINNPOST

* Elvis' initial hopes for a music career involved singing in a gospel male quartet. His favourite part was bass baritone, and he himself had an almost 3-octave vocal range... Yet to posterity's surprise, such a superlative and magnetic natural talent always remained humble --perhaps too humble to keep performing forever.
** IMDb's review of his appearance in Frank Sinatra's 1960's &quot;Welcome Home Party for Elvis Presley&quot; TV special.

* A lot of people are knocking this Elvis Presley guy, but I think he's all right.
** [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Ives]] in the book The Last word, page 27,

* Elvis Presley, the first and greatest American rock-and-roll star, whose throaty baritone and blatant sexuality redefined popular music, was found dead at Graceland, his home in Memphis, yesterday at 2:30 PM. He was once the object of such adulation that teen-age girls screamed and fainted at the sight of him, but was also denounced for sexually suggestive conduct on stage. Preachers inveighed against him in sermons and parents forbade their children to watch him on television. In his third television appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, his act was considered to be so scandalous that the cameras showed him only from the waist up. He was more than a singer--he was a phenomenon and a show-business legend before he was 25 years old as well as the highest-paid performer in the history of the business by the time he reached 30 years of age. In the spring of 1958, he was drafted into the US Army as a private, an event that caused as much stir as an average Super Bowl. &quot;The Pelvis,&quot; as he was known, was stationed in West Germany for two years and was given an ecstatic welcome home by his fans. In 1967, Mr. Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu, the daughter of an Air Force colonel he had met during his military service, and had a daughter named Lisa Marie. Although concrete details of their private life remained sketchy through his deliberate design, the fan magazines were full of reports of marital difficulties, and the couple separated then divorced in 1973. He was a generous and often sentimental man who gave Cadillacs away with startling frequency, from time to time seeing some stranger, nose pressed against a car-showroom window, and inviting the person to go inside and pick out the color he or she liked best after which he would then pay the entire cost of purchase, on the spot. Mr. Presley's movie career ended a year after he had triumphally returned to television, with critics remarking on how little he had aged. He kept in shape for years with karate, in which he had a black belt, but his penchant for peanut butter and banana sandwiches washed down with soda finally caught up. After his death became known yesterday, radio stations around the country began playing nothing but Presley records. At his death, he had been an indelible part of the nation's musical consciousness for 20 years. He is survived by his 9-year-old daughter Lisa Marie, his father and grandmother, all of whom happened to have been at Graceland on the day of his death,.
** [[w:Molly Ivins|Molly Ivins]]' abridged laud of Elvis, as noted in his New York Times' obituary, as published on its August 17, 1977 edition

== J ==

* At one point during our downtime while in Lake Tahoe, my brothers Jackie and Michael must have wandered off, as they found themselves in one of those wide service type elevators. There they were, watching their feet when the elevator stopped, opened and then.. Elvis entered. &quot;You're those Jackson boys? he asked. They nodded, dumbstruck. You would think that having met Smokey Robinson, Sammy Davis and Jackie Wilson, that nothing could faze you, but the randomness of that shared elevator ride was the biggest unexpected thrill for them. Not that it lasted long. After a few seconds, and with a &quot;Good luck fellas&quot;, he was gone. But that was the day Michael would meet the future father in law he would never know.
** {{w|Jermaine Jackson}}, recalling, in his biography, how mad that made him feel, the fact he was not at that elevator.

* I consider Elvis an unacknowledged pioneer in the black rights movement. Elvis had to fight with racism too, at the beginning of his career, with the major radio networks refusing to play his music because it was black music. Elvis broke the barriers and ever since, black musicians had a door open.
** {{w|Jesse Jackson}}'s laud of Elvis, as broadcast in a video made by the Civil Rights.History.com channel. 

* He had been invited by {{w|Charles Evers}}, brother of slain civil rights activist {{w|Medgar Evers}} to perform with Mahalia at an event in Mississippi but had to decline due to previous scheduled engagements. But being a fan of Mahalia's since he was a child, he found out she was visiting in town not far from where he was filming his movie at the time and he sent for a car to bring Mahalia to visit him on his movie set. Witnesses said it was one of the few times he appeared legitimately starstruck, to the point of emotional. When Mahalia arrived on the set and he first saw her he ran across the room pulling a chair over next to his chair to have her sit and relax where he could spend time visiting with her between filming scenes. Elvis spent a lot of time just looking at her adoringly and started to say something to her about growing up hearing her music but also telling her she reminded him of someone. Then she said Elvis's voice trailed off as he seemed lost in thought, but they presumed he was about to tell her she reminded him of his own mother. At one point he did in fact look at her and said softly &quot;Mahalia, you're just like my Momma...&quot;. Mahalia was moved by his comment and found out later that when Elvis was young and lived in Tupelo he used to listen to gospel singing and went to Pentecostal Church. Mahalia said that explained why he could sing Gospel as good as he could.
** About Gospel Queen {{w|Mahalia Jackson}}'s encounter with Elvis during the filming of &quot;Change of Habit&quot;, as told by Richard Yancey in page 480 of the Mahalia Jackson biography &quot;Just Mahalia, Baby&quot;

* Your dad was always an inspiration to me. And I bet you I am going to end up like him, a dead but glorious King&quot;&quot;
** {{w|Michael Jackson}}, as told to his then wife, Lisa Marie Presley

* I’d done my show (in 1955), and I was back in a room. My daddy was in there with me, and we’re hearing screaming, and it was kind of scary. Daddy said, ‘Well, heck, there might be a fire or something. I’ll go check. You get your purse and stuff gathered up. So I did, and daddy left. And in a few minutes, he came back, stood there in the doorway and said, ‘Wanda, you’re not going to believe this. You’ve got to come see it for yourself.He took me to the wings of the stage, and I look out and here’s Elvis doing all these gyrations and all these girls around the stage screaming and reaching for him and crying, and I thought ‘What in the world?’ That was a first for me.
** Rockabilly Queen {{w|Wanda Jackson}}, remembering her touring with Elvis and the moment she realized music had changed forever, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* As a free speech near-absolutist, I unreservedly defend the right of anyone to trumpet political views. But more than ever I admire those celebrities who steadfastly resist the temptation (or the hectoring) to talk politics. There are still some of them, following the footsteps of one of the greatest entertainers in American history. At the peak of his long career, Elvis Presley's influence on popular culture was unparalleled, but about politics he would say nothing. A classic illustration occurred during a pre-concert press conference at Madison Square Garden in 1972. It was at the height of the antiwar movement, and Presley, an Army veteran, was asked for his thoughts on the Vietnam War protests. “Honey, I’d just as soon keep my own personal views about that to myself,” he answered modestly. “I’m just an entertainer and I’d rather not say.” Faced with the pressure to get political, Elvis knew how to shake it off. Would that could still be said about Taylor Swift?
**[[w:Jeff Jacoby (columnist)|Jeff Jacoby]], discussing Country singer̪ Taylor Swift's decision to endorse the campaigns of two Democrat candidates in the 2018 Tennessee mid-term elections, as published in the Patriot Post on October 15, 2018.

* After months of neglect, the U.S.S. Potomac was in poor condition and had to be cleaned up for the ceremony. A few days before the event, in early February of 1964, Presley's people contacted the Long Beach Port authorities asking how much it would cost to have the boat cleaned up and painted for the dedication, the answer being that it would take at least three days and $18,000 to make it presentable. There wasn't that much time, so then it became a question of how much it would take to just paint the side that faced the dock and the international press waiting therein? It was $8,000 so they did it&quot;
** Excerpted from [[w:Walter Jaffe|Walter Jaffe]]'s book, &quot;The Presidential Yacht Potomac&quot;, detailing the last moments prior to the ship's dedication at Long Beach Harbor, the result of Presley's decision to gift the former FDR's Presidential Yatch, to St Jude's Children's Research Hospital, in Memphis, TN, for its eventual sale to raise funds for the construction of a new wing in the hospital, an endeavour to which Presley had already committed his time, back in 1957 when he drew 11,000 contributors to Memphis' Russwood Park for that year's Danny Thomas organized fundraiser and benefit gala. The Yatch is currently anchored at Oakland Harbor, and can boarded and toured daily for a trip up to the Golden Gate bridge, and back.

* He was a unique artist – an original in an area of imitators.
** [[w:Mick Jagger|Mick Jagger]], lead singer of Rolling Stones.[http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/06/13/sources-mick-jagger-in-talks-to-produce-long-awaited-elvis-biopic/]

* When Elvis came on the studio, and heard my song, he wanted it to be played again and again...
** [[w:Mark James (songwriter)|Mark James]], recalling how Elvis felt about &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot;, as told in the BBC program, The Elvis Presley Rebirth aired first in 2017

* In a big club just outside of Memphis, I once shared a bill with a very young Elvis Presley. I didn't know what to expect and he actually turned out to be supercool and extra-respectful, with his 'pleased to meet you, ma'am' gentlemanly manners. He also touched my heart, many years later when my good friend Jackie Wilson was down and out, vegetating in some funky convalescent home. Elvis moved Jackie to a decent hospital – and paid for everything.&quot;
** [[w:Etta James|Etta James]], from her autobiography Rage To Survive: The Etta James Story Unquote

* I have to respect Elvis accomplishments. He took R&amp;B and made it respectable to white people. Plus it was B.B King, who knew Elvis personally, explained to me Elvis was quick to respect and acknowledge the black artists who influenced him.
** Funk, soul and R&amp;B composer, musician and actor [[w:Rick James|Rick James]], from his autobiography &quot;Glow&quot;, quoting BB King as the person who set him straight about Presley's true love and respect for the blues.

* It is a weakness of the mind to preconceive a judgment of your thought, before the act is done. Despite the acid hemlock stirred by &quot;The Las Vegas Sun&quot; , Mr. Presley will survive and live to sing some more. Perhaps this cat should have studied grand opera, or the fiddle (but), I don't join that school of thought. You see, he's a natural and any dope knows what a natural is. His vocal is real and has a hep to the motion of sound, with a retort that is tremendous. Squares who like to detract their imagined misvalues can only size a note creeping upstairs after dark; this cat can throw them downstairs, or even out the window, with a depth of tone that can sink deeper than a well. He can wilt into a whisper faster than a gossipmonger can throw down a free drink and he really makes them cry. Presley's voice is that of American youth looking at the moon and wondering how long it will take to get there, something new coming over the horizon, all by himself, and he deserves his ever-growing audience. Yep, this boy's sails are set and he's got wind. Good luck and the best of everything. I hope they hold you over! After all, ten million cats can't be wrong.
** Ed Jameson, President and CEO of Bancorp, Las Vegas, writing a letter to the Editor, as a then teenager, and as published in the &quot;Las Vegas SUN&quot;, on May 12, 1956

* We loved Elvis &amp; Elvis loved us&quot;
** Reverend Robert Jamison, an African American preacher who met Elvis in Tupelo, MS, when they were children, as told in his obituary published on April 27, 2019.

* All the members of Dextress come together in the common affinity for hard rock. While each individual loves this genre, we all also bring some diversity outside the Dextress sound. Our bassist Reece Runco finds inspiration from Jesse Cook, Roy Khan, Beck, and the performance style of Mötley Crüe, while being very influenced as a bassist by Steve Harris, Michael League, and Geddy Lee. Our animal behind the kit Keith Runco is very much into death metal. He's very passionate about Behemoth and Benighted. His biggest influences as a drummer are Inferno, Jojo Mayer, and Tommy Aldridge. And Our lead vocalist Eric Paulin is strongly influenced by Sebastian Bach, of Skid Row and Ray Gillen of Badlands and finds Elvis Presley an overall inspiration.
** Mark Janz, lead guitarist for Canadian hard rock band Dextress, in an interview with Beatroute, published on September 30, 2017.

* I was crying of happiness so much that I wouldn't have even been able to recognize Elvis...
** Therra Gwyn Jaramillo, telling CNN, on August 4, 2018, about her encounter with rapper and actor [[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]], whom she failed to recognize at a check out counter, even after he went ahead and paid her total bill.

* Bruce Johnston and I met Elvis in the late ‘60s. He was working in the studio across the hall from us so Bruce and I went over and introduced ourselves and he was very delighted to see us. He was trim and great looking, just like his album covers. He hadn’t gone back out on the road yet. We encouraged him to get back to work and he took us up on it.
** [[w:Al Jardine|Al Jardine]], of the Beach Boys, recalling when he and his bandmate Bruce met Elvis, as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* When he hit the world, this is one of the most beautiful people anybody had ever looked at, and he's also coinciding with the explosion of the mass media invention in America. We are unleashing levels of power through cinema and television and radio that the world has never really experienced before, and we're combining that with the fire power of such a truly beautiful, majestic, authentic creature — this Elvis Presley. So what is an Elvis Presley? It's a funny name with this amazing figure who's part black, part white, looks like a Greek statue one second, looks vaguely like a woman the next second. I think Elvis even stands for something much deeper, something akin to Lincoln or Herman Melville or Emily Dickenson or Franklin Roosevelt, or even Teddy Roosevelt. I think he stands for something about how America became what it is, in the best sense. What he symbolized, in the best sense, was to say to so many people, if he could make it, they could make it. That’s the majesty of Elvis Presley. T
**[[w:Eugene Jarecki|Eugene Jarecki]], director of the documentary **[[w:The King (2017 American film)|The King]], in trying to describe the person he was looking to find, in his own movie, as published by WBUR on July 9, 2018.

* &quot;Bob King's&quot;, the nightclub, was packed and it was filled with anticipation. Even a seasoned musician like Sonny Burgess knew the vibe in the club was different that night. As Elvis Presley stepped onto the stage and the band started to play, his hips began to move and as sang &quot;Good Rocking Tonight&quot; the crowd was whirled into a frenzy. Burgess has witnessed hundreds of musicians and bands and played before millions of fans throughout the United States and Europe during his long career that has spanned more than 50 years, but the guitarist has never experienced the energy and emotion he felt the night he heard Elvis play that tune, back in 1955. &quot;Boy, he was different,&quot; Burgess told The Jonesboro Sun. &quot;As soon as he walked into the building you could feel his energy. He had the looks, the songs and the charisma. Whatever a star has, he had it — more than anyone else.&quot;
** Excerpted from an interview by seasoned columnist George Jared with rockabilly musician Albert &quot;Sonny&quot; Burgess, and posted on The &quot;Jonesboro Sun&quot; on Sep. 2, 2014.

* I listened to Elvis Presley become, I watched Chuck Berry become, I listen to Little Richard and all that music was part of my upbringing
**[[w:Al Jarreau|Al Jarreau]], as published on Jarreauquotes

* If his gyrating stage moves were performed by a Negro, he would be put in jail. He has been a bad influence as far as other performers....
**  Los Angeles DJ [[w:Hollywood on Television|Al Jarvis]], in an interview for KFWB,  Los Angeles, CA,   in 1956. 

* The transformation is quite impressive and is something that not many people realize is doable. The doctor implants eyelashes, hair, I never knew you could do that until I went to see Doctor Kahen. I'm really happy with how I look now, everyone talks to me about it, even my bank teller commented on how good my hair looks.
**[[w:Justin Jedlica|Justin Jedlica]], who garnered attention as the Human Ken Doll for undergoing over 190 cosmetic procedures and a US$$15,000 hair transplant in a bid to look like Elvis, in an interview with the Daily Maul published on February 20, 2018.

* It is when Guralnick shows how young Elvis made his way through this cultural briar patch, that we get what we need. He got voluptuous phrasing and ecstatic self-confidence from gospel, wit and menace from the blues, homespun sincerity from country and, from what we can now call gay theatrics, he got glamour and self-parody. He played the outlaw and the good son. How he flirts with his audiences, first being casual, fervent, sneering, then inviting us to laugh at, or with him. ¨As you desire me¨, he is saying, ¨so shall I be¨. Was he a great performer? Yes and yes again. He galvanized rock-and-roll and made you feel the fun and the risk and all the contradictions. That's self-invention, and that's entertainment.
** Margo Jefferson, reviewing Peter Guralnick's biography of Elvis ''Last Train to Memphis, The Rise of Elvis Presley'' for ''The New York Times'' (26 October 1996)

* I remember one night we were talking in his room. He told me, ‘Mary you know we moved here from Tupelo when I was thirteen. Most of the stories that people read about the move say that we moved because times were so hard in Tupelo. Well, Mary, that is true; however, a few months before we moved here there was a couple that lived by us there in Tupelo. He was a cab driver. One night he came home in a rage and murdered his wife. In fact, he butchered her and cut her throat. The wound was so deep it almost severed her head. All of the neighbors were looking around and I saw that woman, too. I’ll never forget what she looked like. I began to have nightmares about it and cold sweats. So Daddy and Momma decided to go ahead and move to Memphis then. We did move here so Daddy could find work, but I don’t know if we would have moved, when we did, if that hadn’t happened.
**Mary Jenkins, African American cook who worked for Elvis for 14 years, as noted in her 1984 biography &quot;Beyond the Graceland Gates&quot;.

* When Elvis first started at Humes, he was really poor. One day the office sent a letter home about a classmate who couldn't come to school when the weather was bad because he had holes in his shoes, had no warm coat and needed a haircut. It didn't name him, but we all knew who it was. My mom gave me a whole dollar and a jacket she had bought for my brother Bill. I was so proud to take the jacket and the money to the office.
** Lillian Jenne, Humes High School Class of 1953, on how impoverished Elvis was when he arrived at Humes.

* His departure for the Army and Hollywood made his last appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1957, as young America's unofficial leader, his crowning moment. He had brought youth to a prominence it had never known in American culture
** [[w:Peter Jennings|Peter Jennings]], Canadian-American journalist who anchored the ABC World News Tonight for almost a quarter of a century, discussing the impact Elvis had on the world, in a sub-segment of ABC's series &quot;The Century&quot; entitled &quot;Memphis dreams&quot;, the Reverend MLK Jr being the subject of the 2nd half, as broadcast on ABC on April 5, 1999.

* Elvis was singing &quot;That's All Right&quot; and &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot;. The sound went straight up your spine. The way he sang, the singer sounded black, but something about the songs was really country&quot;. I was crazy about Elvis, loved that churning rhythm on the bottom. He didn't have drums yet, but the rock and roll part was unmistakable.
**{{cite book|title=Waylon: An Autobiography|author=[[Waylon Jennings]]; Kaye, Lenny|year=1996|page=44|publisher=Warner Books|isbn=978-0-446-51865-9}}

* Presley brought rock'n'roll into the mainstream of popular culture, as he set the artistic pace, other artists followed. He, more than anyone else, gave the young a belief in themselves as a distinct and somehow unified generation—the first in America ever to feel the power of an integrated youth culture.
** Author and historian [[w:Marty Jezer|Marty Jezer]] in his book, The Dark Ages: Life in the United States 1945–1960. South End Press; 1982. {{ISBN|978-0-89608-127-7}}.

* At the close of his state visit to the Philippines, he showed a taste for American songs during a two-hour pleasure cruise around Manila Bay, as the guest of Philippine President [[w:Fidel Ramos|Fidel Ramos]]. The trip on Ramos's presidential yacht was the highlight of the second day of his three-day state visit to the Philippines. Apparently aware of the Chinese leader penchant for songs, Ramos brought with him a string quartet, so after a breakfast of porridge and fruit, the 68-year-old Ramos invited him to sing, so the two leaders then ended up performing a duet of Elvis Presley's hit &quot;Love Me Tender&quot; which prompted Ramos into remarking: &quot;That's the favourite song of Bill Clinton, so you have to prepare. When he visits you, you will surprise him.
** About Chinese President [[w:Jiang Zemin|Jiang Zemin]], as quoted in an [ITN Source]], dated 26 November 1996

* Presley brought rock'n'roll into the mainstream of popular culture, as he set the artistic pace, other artists followed. Presley, more than anyone else, gave the young a belief in themselves as a distinct and somehow unified generation—the first in America ever to feel the power of an integrated youth culture.[
** Author and historian [[w:Martin Jezer|Martin Jezer]] in his book, The Dark Ages: Life in the United States 1945–1960. South End Press; 1982. {{ISBN|978-0-89608-127-7}}.

* He is the Elvis of the computer world
** About [[w:Steve Jobs|Steve Jobs]], as noted by U2 frontman Bono, in an interview with the Irish Times&quot; and published on their October 7, 2011 editon 

* When I was in third grade, I got up on the stage and I did my Elvis impression and I sang ‘Hound Dog'. And the girls in the fourth grade started screaming, and I said to myself, ‘There’s something going on here. This is kinda cool if the girls in the fourth grade are screaming for a kid in the third grade. One day, my mentor told me that I should consider becoming a professional musician. And for a teacher, an adult, to tell me that was very important, that was an epiphany. It was a real eye-opener. Elvis was great.
** [[w:Billy Joel|Billy Joel]], in a New Online Video Series, with Joel recalling the first time he made girls Scream, as recorded by ABC News Radio, on November 2, 2016

* I've got the habit of listening to Elvis Presley from my mother. In fact she married my father because he promised to take her for an Elvis Presley show, which he did on their honeymoon.
** Hindi filmaker [[w:Karan Johar|Karan Johar]], son of acclaimed producer [[w:Yash Johar|Yash Johar]], explaining how he got the love for music, in an article published in India Catch news on 28 March, 2017.

* No other white artist but Elvis was the greatest Ambassador for black artists. Not only was he legitimate and came from the same background as many of us, but he had an integrity and class that most whites at that time did not. For that matter, many whites today don't have it. He publicly and privately treated us as equals. And his actions ultimately set a public example for many others to follow. This is the only place on Earth you will get the most truth about that. Everywhere else around this country folks got it twisted. It's a disrespect to not only Elvis, but to us. Anyone wants to discredit that man send them on down here to me! Myself and some friends will be glad to set them straight.&quot;
** Bluesman [[w:Big John|Big John]], commenting on Beale Street.

* Elvis Presley changed everyone's life. I mean there would be no Beatles, Hendrix or Dylan. I mean, he just was the man who changed music without question. When they had a Rolling Stone poll about who was the most influential people in rock n roll, I think The Beatles were number one and I just said, you know, “What? No, Elvis was number one. I know he drew his influence from Gospel and Blues and Country Music and Black Soul music whatever, but he was the one that started it all. I was looking at an old Life magazine and there was a picture of him and I thought he was from Mars or something. And then that weekend my mother came home with ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ and that changed my life. Years later, I saw him in Las Vegas and I mean he was fantastic at the Hilton. But the only time I met him was very briefly before he went on stage in Washington DC, a year before he died. And it was very sad but even though it was very sad, even on stage and my mother, who was with me, said, “Well he’s not going to be alive much longer, is he?” She was really sad. And I was too, he was my idol too. But even though he went through the motions and was not really there at the scene at the end of that concert, there was still flashes of brilliance, in spite of being hugely overweight, but when he actually sung a couple of lines it was magical. You don't lose that magic, no matter how fucked up you are, you know, you just. If you're brilliant, snatches of that brilliance will come through. And later in my life I end up a recluse in my own bedroom, you know, taking cocaine, so I'd kind of did become HIM. But what happened to him, you forget he died when he was only 42, for Christ's sake. I mean he was only 42. And it's one of the great tragedies. I don't think anybody actually said “Elvis, you can’t do that, you mustn’t do that”. Rewinding back, I played piano at a very early age, it got me attention and I liked it, but music wasn't my dream until I discovered him in 1957. I was sitting in the little barbershop in our village, waiting to have my hair cut, and I saw this picture of Elvis. He looked like an alien — really weird but amazing. And after I saw Elvis and heard his music, there was no going back.
** [[w:Elton John|Elton John]], addressing the NYT's Philip Galanes's question on what was his first dream, as published in the New York Times on November 28, 2014, as well as from in an interview with Andrew Denton's Enough Rope, dated July 9 2007, when asked to explain how he felt about his biggest idol's death in 1977, shortly after meeting him in 1976.

* These days the bright London boy who passed his 11-plus and left school without any exams is touring the country with a talk show. In the likes of Southampton, &amp;shy;Workington, &amp;shy;Peterborough and Coventry he'll focus on the social significance of his life's soundtracks, from Elvis Presley, the Beatles and the rest. Music is his passion, politics always an interest. In the 1960s he was in a couple of rock bands as a rhythm guitarist and backing singer but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to become an overnight rock star, he got a job as a postman instead. However his love of music has never faded. Johnson adds &quot;I was was a huge fan of Elvis and The Beatles so when Radio 1 celebrated its 50th anniversary recently it made me feel nostalgic as I remember when it first started broadcasting and what an incredible treat it was to be able to listen to pop music all day. I still play the guitar but I don’t think I’m going to be back on the stage any time soon&quot;.
** About {{w|Alan Johnson}}, former Education, Health and Home Secretary for the Labour Party in Britain, in interviews given to the SUN and the Express, and published in their February 24,2019 edition

* Honestly, the first one was Elvis Presley. When I listened to Elvis when I was a kid and heard “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog&quot; — you want to talk about an 8-year-old kid losing his mind? “Jailhouse Rock,” songs like that, made him kind of an American hero. But he also came across as kind of taboo, kind of a little bit rowdy, and a little bit too much for some people. That really stuck with me. Yeah, I was born ten years after he died, but everybody loves Elvis. Hell, my grandma loves Elvis. But when he came out, man, he was a little bit of a bad boy, too. He had that edge. Something about Elvis made you think if you smarted off, he might slap you. I heard that in his music. I heard that “I don’t really care what y’all think,” that whole “I’m going to boogie-woogie if I want to boogie-woogie” attitude.
** [[w:Cody Johnson|Cody Johnson]], describing his first influences,in an interview for Cowboys and Indians, as published on their March 11, 2019 edition

* Elvis Presley was born to a death. His twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, was delivered first, didn't live at all, and everything that happened next was a swaggering wobble between those two poles. [[w:Denis Johnson|Denis Johnson]], who passed away from liver cancer at 67 in May 2017, references Elvis glancingly in several of his works — &quot;Train Dreams&quot; (2011), &quot;Tree of Smoke&quot; (2007), &quot;Jesus’ Son&quot; (1992), and in both the final pages of his first novel, &quot;Angels&quot; (1983) — and the last of five stories in his posthumous collection &quot;The Largesse of the Sea Maiden&quot;, where the author makes liberal use of the legendary performer.
** About author [[w:Denis Johnson|Denis Johnson]], as published by the Village Voice on January 12, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;Denis Johnson and the Ghost of Elvis Presley&quot; by Hanna Gold

* i) I've been asked to write down who I am most grateful for in this holiday season. And the answer is Elvis Presley. We are a very musical family and he sings my favorite Christmas song, which &quot;Why cant everyday be like Christmas&quot;. So now it's turned out that I've sang it to all my daughters when they were babies and they all fell asleep on me. ii) Woman wanted him, men wanted to BE him, or just hang out with him.”
** {{w|Dwayne Johnson}}, i) answering a question for Humankind Stories on the occasion of his finding out he will be a father again soon and ii) as published in wwwgracelandcom

* Hendrix and Elvis were the ones who sparked my interest in music. When I saw Elvis play the acoustic guitar back in the day with 'Jailhouse Rock,' that's when I wanted to play. I think I was 6. All I could think of back then, was that would be a great job...
** George Johnson of the {{w|Brothers Johnsons}}, a Soul/Funk/R&amp;B band itself associated with, inter alia, Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, The Supremes, and Billy Preston, from an interview found in an article written by Wes Wood for the Daily Bulletin and published on August 30th 2016..

* The Bee Gees for their harmonies, the Beatles because they were so ahead of their time and Elvis, who was indeed, an amazing swagger, had incredible moves and his voice is so iconic.
** [[w:Joe Jonas|Joe Jonas]], member of the band DNCE, in an interview with CelebMix, and in answer to a request from the interviewer to name a Hall of Fame of three artists throughout the decades who inspired him.

* He's started the whole thing. I liked his early records.
** [[w:Brian Jones|Brian Jones]]'s 1965 interview, on youtube

* I think Elvis and BB King both did as much for the world of music coming through Memphis as anyone.
** [[w:Booker T. Jones|Booker T. Jones]], Stax records Legend, multi-instrumentalist, songwriter, record producer and arranger, best known as the frontman of the band Booker T. &amp; the M.G.'s being interviewed by Virgin Magazine 2015

* Years later I met him, by chance in Hollywood where I was living. He was riding in a limousine and I was out walking my dog. He spotted me and pulled over. We went over to my home and sat out front talking about old times. After a while he grew melancholy and confided in me, “Carolyn, I’ve lost my way home.” It was heartbreaking as he had grown weary and disillusioned...
** [[w:Carolyn Jones|Carolyn Jones]], Golden Globe winner actress who starred with Elvis in Paramount's 1958 production of &quot;King Creole&quot;

* Now and then in a magazine, you will come across one of those features about your dream dinner party guests, encouraging you to wonder whether, inter alia, you could sit Elvis Presley next to Mother Teresa. I saw one in a mid-market woman's magazine the other day. Well, all I can say is that I'll be at the top table, after scrubbing John Lennon from the list, and certainly leaving Elvis, Mother Teresa, Ian Dury, Orson Welles and Peter Sellers. Incidentally, I wouldn't want to sit down with Karl Marx unless he was genuinely interested in what I'd been doing at work all day...
** [[w:Dylan Jones|Dylan Jones]], editor of Gentlemen's Quarterly, choosing his ideal dinner guests, as published in the Mail online, on 17 January 2009

* I guess everybody in the world tried to be a little like Elvis at the time, but there was no way you could compete with him if you just were doing country.
**[[w:George Jones|George Jones]] in the book the Last word, by Sandra Chorn and Bob Oskam (p.16) .

* Elvis was great. I loved him. When we worked on &quot;Love Me Tender&quot;, everyone to a person, was determined to detest him. They couldn't believe he could just show up and be a movie star. They were prepared to hate him. By the time the shoot was over, everyone adored him. I'll tell you a story about him that probably nobody else knows. We were doing &quot;Stay Away Joe&quot; and were the only two actors working that day. And I just happened to look across the highway, and there was an old battered pickup truck, patched up and with the tires gone. And there was a rocking chair in the back of it with a lady tied to it.It turned out the lady was in her eighties and she was a true Elvis fan, had no money and her family had driven 300 miles with her tied in the rocking chair because she was crippled up and couldn't get in the cab. Me being blabbermouth, I went over and told Elvis. He stopped everything. He had them back the truck over and put it right up next to the camera. He got her situated, and he always had his band with him, so they broke out their instruments and they gave her a thirty-minute performance. She stayed with us the rest of the day. He took her to lunch, and just took her everywhere he went. That's Elvis Presley.
** [[w:L.Q. Jones|L.Q. Jones]],in an interview with Cinema Retro published on February 28,2019.

* i) So we left that CREATIVE era of jazz, bebop, bigband and went into the '50s. It was like coming from modern jazz to poop tunes like &quot;How Much Is That Doggie in the Window,&quot; and so on. It was unbelievable. But then Elvis Presley changed that whole thing because he opened the way for black music to come in ii) Even from 30 feet, as I sat in the front of the CBS orquestra section, and with his back to me, as we all faced the camera, I knew right and then that he would be a huge star
** [[w:Quincy Jones|Quincy Jones]], i) as noted in the Zan Stewart interview, November 2013 and ii) recalling the three times he played 2nd trumpet for Elvis in the winter of 1956, as noted in a filmed interview for the television special entitled &quot;The History of Rock and Roll&quot;.

* Blues, country, pop, rock and roll, gospel, and beyond, this man could sing anything. From the rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, to the MOR of &quot;Wooden Heart&quot;(1960), to the later day &quot;Burnin' Love&quot;(1972), Elvis proved that he had the skills as a vocalist that few have, or will ever have.
** Rob Jones, Canadian musicologist, writing in &quot;Helium: Where knowledge rules&quot;.

* Not any big ones, but I had a picture taken that haunts me to this day. I'd just come off stage at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas to be greeted by Elvis Presley, Merv Griffin and Norm Crosby. Elvis knew how to work himself up for pictures and he ended up looking like, well, Elvis, any doubling of the chin magically concealed. So naive, grinning me, however, clearly had an extra chin, later to be surgically eliminated. It was something to do with the singing. I had it cut out, now I've got the mark of Zorro under my chin, that's why I grew this beard. Never have your photo taken with Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tom Jones|Tom Jones]]'s zany answer to Bryan Appleyard, who interviewed him and asked he tell the readers of The Times of London what he regretted the most in his career, as published in the said newspaper on October 3, 2015.

* I feel good. It was kind of nail-biting all day yesterday. It'd be nice to have $3,300 in my pocket and still have the cup, and I hate to see it go. In fact, it's really going to be weird putting something that has that kind of value in an envelope and sending it off to the people who bid the most in auction, the owners of the &quot;Icon Hotel&quot; in Luton, U.K
** Wade Jones, in an interview with The Gaston Gazette published on January 20, 2018, after auctioning a 61 year old flattened Dixie cup he owned and which had been used by Elvis after a concert in Tulsa Oklahoma on April 19, 1956.

* Elvis is my man.
** [[w:Janis Joplin|Janis Joplin]], as published in the Elvis Express.

* The Presley, Beatles and Castro appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show have one thing in common: at the conclusion of the appearances, Sullivan stands at center stage and declares them all to be outstanding citizens of their countries...
** [[w:Chris Jordan|Chris Jordan]], for Arbury Park Press, on the day after of Castro's passing away, November 26, 2016.

* I think it’s a little bit too much and kind of overwhelming. I mean, it puts a real big strain on me personally in my life. It’s always great to be respected and admired, but to a point where it exceeds certain living situations, and it’s not that much fun to me. I think it was fun to a certain degree, but it really was kind of embarrassing the way people treated as if I was an Elvis Presley or a God,  and that’s a very uncomfortable feeling for me.”
** [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]], in a 1995  interview  with [[w:Craig Sager|Craig Sager]],  given immediately after his first game back from retirement that year versus the Pacers,  and as reported in Sportscasting's June 1, 2021 edition.

* He would appear twice a night at the Hilton in Las Vegas so after the second show one night, I asked the guard behind the stage if I could meet him. As I was then playing with Cowboys, I was let in. So there he was with a towel around his head exhausted after performing two shows, but was very friendly. He was also a huge fan of Coach (Paul W. 'Bear') Bryant, my coach at the University of Alabama, so we got along extremely well. I think the key was that we came from similar backgrounds, just country boys who remained the same even after hitting the big stage.
** Linebacker {{w|Lee Roy Jordan}}, in his autobiography “Lee Roy: My Story of Faith, Family and Football.”

* Your CD is wonderful, and you have a great sounding voice. Reminds me of an Elvis jazz sound. I just I always loved Elvis's sound, but you're definitely an original and certainly are my taste. You have a jazz sound. Just great!!
** [[w:Sheila Jordan|Sheila Jordan]], NEA Jazz Master and vocalist speaking to baritone E.J Decker, as published on wwwejdeckercom

* Pharaohː Male, a Baritone with a registry from a Low B to High G#. He is the most powerful man in Egypt living in a strange psychological place and is desperately searching for the truth in his dreams. The character is in style an homage to Elvis Presley.
** One of three characters as meant to be played in Andrew Lloyd Webber's {{w|Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat}}

* I watched the audience as he walked out on stage, and so many had their faces in their hands. They'd sit there and cry. It was almost Biblical, as if the clouds had parted and down a shaft of light came the Angels.
** [[w:Westgate Las Vegas|Bill Jost]], Assistant Maitre d' of Showroom Internationale of International Hotel, Las Vegas (Now the Westgate), as noted in the bootlegzone's review of Elvis opening show at the International Hotel, in the summer of 1969.

* Of the millions of cars that have ever been built, only a handful of individual vehicles are truly legendary. James Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder. Ingrid Bergman’s Ferrari 375 MM. Frank Sinatra’s Dual Ghia. The Lincoln Continental in which John F. Kennedy was assassinated. There are others, of course, but it’s a short list in any case. And no matter what the criteria, only two BMWs truly deserve to be on it. One is the Touring-bodied 328 coupe that won the Gran Premio di Brescia in 1940; the other is the 507 owned by Elvis Presley while stationed in Germany with the U.S. Army.
** Jackie Jouret, for [[w:BMW|Bimmer]], magazine, in an article entitled &quot;Elvis' 507: The real story&quot;  as published in their Jul 28, 2014 edition

* The memory that stands out most in my mind is the first time I saw that face, the face that was soon to be the most recognized face in the world: the deep-set eyes that would make girls scream and cry; the full, pouting lips that would make them swoon. I'll never forget the first time I saw the flawless face of Elvis Presley.”
** [[w:June Juanico|June Juanico]], Elvis girlfriend in 1956, in her book, Elvis and the Twilight of Memory.

* I wanted to look at Elvis the non-saint, as well as the nature of songs from the ‘50’s, all that postwar optimism; he’s iconic, a wonderful singer with an amazing body of work, but he’s a bit like Billie Holiday, you’re not ‘allowed’ to be critical.
** Barb Jungr, UK-based singer, composer and writer of Czech and German parentage, explaining why she fell in love with the voice of Elvis Presley, went searching for the essence of a dozen of her Presley favourites, as well as her particular predicament in choosing the right ones for her album &quot;Love me tender&quot;, as published in the Herald, Glasgow, on August 5, and on the April 13-20, 2005 issue of &quot;Time Out, London&quot;.

* I was working in the early 2000s with Wieden &amp; Kennedy, an exclusive, high-brow ad agency based in Amsterdam, and they were literally on the same street where my studio was. We knew each other really well, had worked together and, at a certain point, somebody knocks on my door, walks inside, and says, &quot;Tom, I've got something, but we don't know what to do with the music.&quot; He plays me this world championship soccer commercial for NIKE directed by [[w:Terry Gilliam|Terry Gilliam]], a five-minute movie where you see all the star soccer players play games with one another in the belly of a ship. The commercial was called, &quot;The Secret Tournament&quot; , they were looking for music and had tried a few different things, like Elvis' A Little Less Conversation,' and I said, 'Oh, I know that song.'&quot; But they said, &quot; Problem is that it's too short and we need five minutes.&quot; I said, &quot;I can make this work. Give me a couple of days or a week and I'll come back to you.&quot; He said, &quot;You don't have a couple of days or a week, I need this in five hours.&quot; And I said, &quot;Well, just give me five hours (laughs).&quot; So he left, and at that point in time, I was producing the first record of a UK-based DJ by the name of [[w:Sasha (DJ)|Sasha]], the biggest thing on the planet. So he came in and he said, &quot;What are you doing?&quot; I said, &quot;I've gotta spend four or five hours on this Elvis thing.&quot; So he said, &quot;I'm gonna go get a massage and get some food, I'll be back in five hours and we can continue working.&quot; So he goes to get a massage, comes back at 8:00 pm. And when I played it for him, he smiled and looked at me and said, &quot;This is a number one hit.&quot; I said, &quot;Ah, you're kidding, this is just for a commercial,&quot; but he said, &quot;No. You don't understand what I'm saying: this is a number one hit.&quot; Famous last words! So I sent it out to NIKE, and they loved it, and they started talking to the Elvis estate. They were talking with the lawyer of the Elvis estate, and he says, &quot;We just played the track for Priscilla Presley, and she really loved it. Tell me, who is the producer on this track?&quot; And then the guy on the NIKE side says, &quot;His name is Junkie XL.&quot; And it goes quiet. After half a minute, he says, &quot;You have to be kidding me, right?&quot; So we shortened it to JXL and it went into the commercial, which ran worldwide and did really well. And then the track started having a life of its own and eventually, we decided to release it as a single. So I spent a little bit more time on it to produce it as a proper release, and that's the track most people know today, yes, the one that became a number one hit in many countries.
** {{w|Junkie XL}}, real name Tom Holkenborg Dutch composer, multi-instrumentalist, DJ, producer, and engineer, recalling how the # 1 hit during the 2002 Soccer World Cup came into being. in an article published at SceenRant on December 13, 2018.

== K ==
* From the darkest of backgrounds, Elvis' voice emerges with such realism that you could take singing lessons, his vocals so irresistible and smooth, and with such startling definition, that the clearest and most concise way I can describe the experience, is that I never felt as though I was listening to a recording.
** Danny Kaey, a top audio and music writer, reviewing the Duke loudspeakers, as he listened to &quot;Fever&quot;, a track found on the ''Elvis is back'' album, and as published in POSITIVE FEEDBACK, ONLINE.

* During his rendition of &quot;Hurt&quot;, (1976), he was in even better voice, singing in a register that gave more impact to his phrasing, and even hitting notes that could cause a mild hernia. And, after they drew a good crowd reaction, he offered them in a reprise that was tantamount to masochism.
** Mike Kalina, reviewing Elvis' 1976 New Year's concert for the &quot;Pittsburgh Post Gazette&quot;, January 1, 1977.

* He was electrifying in his white jumpsuit, with his cape on, quite humble but he had an aura. There are very few people who have triple-X charisma, and Elvis was one.
** {{w|George Kalinsky}}, official MSG photographer, as noted in The Daily Telegraph's 11 April 2008 edition.

* I want to produce music that is timeless, music that lasts for decades and centuries, like Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, The Temptations and Prince's songs. One-hit wonders are for lucky people, not talented people,
** [[w:Music of Namibia|Lischen Khachas]], Namibian music producer, in an article entitled &quot;Surviving as female music producers in Namibia&quot; as published on the New Era's April 5,2019 edition.

* The young Elvis Presley, without any doubt.
** {{w|Kiri Te Kanawa}}, top New Zealand opera star and soprano's answer to UK show-host Michael Parkinson (who probably expected her to name Luciano Pavarotti, or Maria Callas), when asked whose was the greatest voice she had ever heard (as published in Blabbermouth.net, 3 January 2007)

* Elvis Presley was known for his kind and generous heart. Every Christmas he would donate $100,000 to local charitable organizations. He personally delivered a wheelchair to a disabled woman and gave a necklace to a sick child in a hospital unable to see him perform. Moreover, it is hard to explain an admiration for one particular individual such as Elvis. I admired this man not only for his contribution to the music industry, but also for his love for all of his fans,
** George Karnaze, from [[w:Rotary Internationa|Rotary International]] in an article published in the Miami Republic's January 18, 2022 edition. 

* To go out Albemarle Rd, to the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round, and seeing Elvis at the Carolina Theater.
** [[w:Jan Karon|Jan Karon]] American novelist and author of the Mitford novels, when asked no name a few of the most exciting things she witnessed since her arrival in Charlotte, as a 12-year-old child from Lenoir, where she was born, and as published on March 28, 2017, in the ''Charlotte Observer''.

* Elvis is the one man that stands alone in the history of Rock-N-Roll. He was the first and the best, shook the world by its very foundation. Over the years I've seen stars come and go, but never have I seen a star match the impact of Elvis Presley. Elvis may be gone, but the echo will never die.
** DJ [[w:Kasey Kasem|Kasey Kasem]], from American Top 40.

* He was criticized for turning down the role of Sundance in &quot;Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid&quot;, after insisting unsuccessfully on doing the film with Elvis Presley as Butch.
** [[w:Sam Kashner|Sam Kashner]], in reference to actor [[w:Warren Beatty|Warren Beatty]], who he interviewed for Vanity Fair's November 2016 edition.

* It shows that anything's possible because I wasn't the president of the student body. It was certainly a very fateful and important meeting in the course of my life. Too bad I hadn't been there the day before — I would have met Elvis.
** [[w:John Kasich|John Kasich]]’s thoughts on his 1970 meeting, as an Ohio State University freshman, with President Richard Nixon, after sending a letter to Nixon requesting a meeting. They met on December 22, 1970, a day after the famous Oval Office meeting between Nixon and Elvis, as told by the now Ohio Governor in an interview for the ''Palm Beach Post'' and published on May 24, 2017

* In 1969, I hitched from New England to Nevada to see him, to meet him, so I showed at the Las Vegas International Hotel's delivery room, I hid in a closet, until Elvis and his entourage passed by, so that is when I jumped out and told him I was one of his biggest fans, and wanted to be a star to which Elvis replied, &quot;I believe that will happen, son&quot;. I got his blessing...
** DJ [[Andy Kaufman]], speaking through his alter ego, Jimmy Clifton.

* He was out for fun, he never rehearsed. He was 19 and he had a motorcycle and he liked to ride the streets, looking for excitement. So often I'd see him zipping along Union Street, a new girl on the back of that motorcycle, or walking with two or three girls at once. Later he'd tell me, 'I'm sorry I didn't introduce you, Marion. I didn't know their names'.&quot;
** [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]], the radio show host, station manager, U.S. Air Force officer, and assistant to Sam Phillips at Sun Records best remembered as the first person to record Elvis Presley on July 18, 1953.

* Presley's early days represent a kind of liberation in his fans own lives, which to that point were painted in black and white and dominated by their parents' conservative views. His music gave them an art form, and to a degree, an identity all their own. More than anything else though, it's the uniqueness of Presley's voice and talent that shall prevail. There's never been anyone like him and likely won't be.
** [[w:Bob Kealing|Bob Kealing]], in his book “Elvis Ignited: The Rise of an Icon in Florida,” as published in ''Florida Today'', on March 28, 2017

* What's happened to the &amp;shy;alliance is that the great relationship we have had with the Americans in wartime, and the cultural affinity with the jazz period of the 1920s, the swing era in the 1940s, Elvis Presley and rock and roll, Hollywood, the sitcoms, and the relationship between the citizens of Australia and the citizens of America, society to society, has been suborned by this now sacramental and foolish tone we are &amp;shy;encouraged to have about the &amp;shy;alliance.
**[[w:Paul Keating|Paul Keating]], 24th Prime Minister of Australia and the Leader of his country's Labor Party from 1991 to 1996, explaining how his country's alliance with the US has now been supplanted by the relationship itself, in an interview published on the Australian, on September 23, 2017. and entitled &quot;Keating blasts Australia for adopting US foreign policy&quot;

* A hard drinker with an ever-present cigarette in his mouth, he liked to dress like Elvis at company meetings and maintain a level of fun in the workplace.
** About billionaire {{w|Herb Kelleher}}, co-founder and CEO of Southwest Airlines, as noted in his obituary by the NYT, on his death on January 3, 2019.

* That Elvis boy can sure dance but he's not as good as me though (LOL)
**  {{w|Gene Kelly}}, present at the filming of the title song to &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, as jockingly told to {{w|Lizabeth Scott}}, Elvis' co-star and as published in Watpad's 31 December 2021 edition,.  

* Elvis Presley was rock &amp; roll's first real star, not to mention one of the most important cultural forces in history, a hip-shaking symbol of liberation for the staid America of the 1950s. A white Southerner singing blues laced with country, and country laced with gospel, he brought together American music from both sides of the color line and performed it with a natural sexuality that made him a role model for generations of cool rebels. He was repeatedly dismissed as vulgar, incompetent, and a bad influence, but the force of his music and his image was no mere merchandising feat. Presley signaled to mainstream culture that it was time to let go. Four decades after his death, Presley's image and influence remain undiminished.
** [[w:Mark Kemp|Mark Kemp]], US music journalist, in his introduction to Elvis' biography section in Rolling Stone's Magazine's Encyclopedia of Rock &amp; Roll-

* My first of ten  fantasy dinner guests is Elvis, someone I first fell in love with when I was a kid but I wasn’t quite sure what it was I fell in love with. It wasn’t as much his music as his charisma – and I don’t think I really understood charisma until I saw him.I remember one Christmas as a kid I watched &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was so charismatic that even in the scenes where he was in the background, it was him I paid attention to. For me, he was the one who always set the pace, so I would want him at my party.
** [[w:Martin Kemp|Martin Kemp]],  as told by Murray Scougall in an article entitled &quot;Elvis gets to meet Winston Churchill as former Spandau Ballet star  Martin Kemp picks his 10 fantasy dinner guests&quot;,  and published in the Sunday Post's October 8, 2017 edition.

* Someone I knew invited me into the house. At the far end of the room was the gleaming copper coffin that contained his body. A couple in their late twenties stood beside the casket, she was sobbing and he had his arm around her. Behind the coffin, an arch led to another room where a glass statue stood high off the floor, twirling slowly, adorned by glass beads that leaked like water. Potted plastic palms surrounded the coffin and on the wall was a painting of a skyline on black velveteen. When Priscilla entered she offered me a Coke then introduced me to his father, Vernon Presley, who was watching the 10 o'clock news in a nearby bedroom. Nobody in the group around him spoke. Later, at the front door, I interviewed Charlie Hodge “It’s really hard to believe,” he said. “I went to the dentist with him on Monday night around 9:30. We were getting ready for the tour and we talked about the songs we’d use. But we never did rehearse&quot; Outside the front door were hundreds of wreaths, some spelled ‘Elvis’ in flowers, others were shaped like crowns, broken hearts, hound dogs and blue suede shoes....
** Excerpts of {{w|Caroline Kennedy}}'s Sept. 22, 1977 article for Rollingstone, which sent her, the only daughter of JFK, and then just a Radcliffe coed, on a special assignment to Memphis to cover the aftermath of the death of Elvis, which coincided with his Estate actually in the process of been sealed off by cops and private guards as 75,000 people gathered outside the Graceland gates waiting in line to pay their respects.

* I was a 13 year old kid sitting on the front row on Hank Williams' last performance at the Municipal Auditorium. It changed my life. A couple of years later, during one of Elvis ̪Presley's appearances with the Louisiana Hayride, I was also in attendance there, with a friend, and we got real mad at all of the girls screaming when Elvis was doing his shaking. It upset us that we couldn't hear anything
** [[w:Jerry Kennedy|Jerry Kennedy]], record producer, songwriter and guitar player and a native of Shreveport, LA, recalling his attending one of Elvis' almost four dozen shows at Municipal Auditorium in the period from October 1954 to December of 1956, as reported in radio station 710keel on December 28, 2018.

* I often wondered if Elvis mania will ever truly die. I'm too young to remember the apex of his career, but I vividly remember the deep mourning that followed his death. For years — maybe, still? — his birthday and death day were marked by vigils in Memphis. The other day, I was charmed by a TV commercial that features Elvis impersonators from around the world using FaceTime to sing the Elvis ballad &quot;There's Always Me.&quot; Anyone under 30 probably wonders who these strangely dressed guys are. To me, the commercial was literally music to my ears.
** Mark Kennedy, writing for the {{w|Chattanooga Times Free Press}} in an article entitled &quot;20th century 'survivors' provide comfort&quot; and published in their 9 December 2018 edition.

* Elvis was almost pure style, his clothes, hair, the way he sang, the way he moved on stage, his half-kidding sneer. The first superstar...
** [[w:Pamela Keogh|Pamela Keogh]], as published in Larry Geller's E. Crowning glory

* My mom had me at 21, and hers had her at 21, so I think 25 is too old. Marriage is just something I wanted to experience in my lifetime, to be honest. As to being the granddaughter of Elvis Presley, it did help me in the bussness. I'm very privileged, like the normal story of moving to LA and it takes you three years to find an agent? I got one in a week
** [[w:Riley Keough|Riley Keough]], for the Mail Online, in an article entitled &quot;Riley bravely touches upon her battle with anxiety and depression in a candid Twitter post&quot;, published on 10 January 2019.

* Don't worry, Elvis..... Cary cries at everything that is beautiful. Ballet. Paintings. Sculptures. Poetry. You.&quot;
** Billionaire [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]]'s zany answer  to Elvis'  puzzling look when told actor  Cary Grant had wept during his performance, as told by Charlie Hodge in his book  “Me'n Elvis” ;

* I always argued that Elvis was arguably, potentially a very good actor. Barbra Straisand wanted him to play opposite her, but Col Parker stopped it. That would have been something to dream about.
** [[w:Mark Kermode|Mark Kermode]], English film critic and musician, reviewing the 2018 version of &quot;A star is born&quot; for his blog Kermod Uncut.

* They are some of the most iconic and unique displays of architecture, each home with a distinct style reflecting its location, history, or previous owner. Ahead, find out which are the most photographed, starting with Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley.
** Mandy Kerr's introduction to her article on the most photographed homes in the United States, as published in the Culture Cheatsheet, on February 1, 2018.

* In Memphis, we listened to Blind Mississippi Morris belt out BB King's classic in a bar on Beale Street. But it was another King, he with an affinity for Kahlil Gibran, who was beckoning me. I expected Elvis Presley's Graceland to be a temple of tacky brimming with shag rugs and frequented by zealous impersonators in blinged-out one-pieces. We scoffed when the woman selling tickets said the tour could take three hours. We ended up needing four. Sobia and I found many nationalities. &quot;So many people try to copy him, but he was the ultimate,” said Rishi Khanna, a fan since his youth in India, “Elvis’s music is from the divine.”
** Sarah Khan, Muslim American Award-winning travel writer, in an article for the NYT to be published October 1, 2017, and entitled &quot;Making Myself at Home&quot;

* The most popular thing in american culture is Elvis Presley
** [[w:Kid Rock|Kid Rockl]], singer, rapper, songwriter, musician, record producer, and actor, in an interview for ABC's Elvis lives in 2002.

* “How would I describe it? Elvis Presley. Michael Jackson
** [[w:Jason Kidd|Jason Kidd]], US basketball team captain during the 2008 Olympics in reference to Kobe Bryant's worldwide popularity as the tournament ensued, and as noted by themediatimes on the day following Bryan't death, at age 41 on January 26, 2020.

* Elvis had risen to fame in the 1950s under the guidance of manager Colonel Tom Parker – real name Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk – an illegal immigrant from Holland who was terrified of leaving the United States lest he be deported, so Elvis never went on the lucrative international tours that are the lifeblood of most musical acts. Colour television in Australia was still more than half a decade away, but even in black and white, Elvis was mesmerising, marching triumphantly on to the stage for what was billed as the biggest benefit satellite television entertainment event of all time. And, in Brisbane, barely a television screen had anything else&quot;.
** Grantlee Kieza, for Brisbane's [[w:The Courier-Mail|The Courier-Mail]], in an article published on January 13, 2018, in conjunction with the 45th anniversary of Elvis's hour-long concert &quot;Aloha from Hawaii Via Satellite&quot;, beamed by [[w:INTELSAT|INTELSAT]] to 40 countries including Australia, with global estimates that more than a billion people had tuned in.

* It was a revelation in a lot of ways. You could really only compare it to music, bands like The Beatles and Elvis, where things actually changed.
** [[w:Jimmy Kimmel|Jimmy Kimmel]]'s laud of {{w|Dave Letterman}}, as told to WBUR, in a piece entitled &quot;David Letterman Is Properly Medicated&quot;, published on Apruil 5, 2018

* Yes, he is
** Nepalese [[w:King Mahendra|King Mahendra]]'s reply to a LA Times journalist who asked him whether Elvis, who was standing next to him, was one of his favourites, as reported by the LA Times om May 11, 1960.

* i) While they were civil, they never really had much to say and I might feel a chill between them and me. But Elvis was different. I remember him distinctly because (inter-alia) he was friendly, polite to a fault, spoke with this thick molasses southern accent and always called me 'sir'. I liked that. When he appeared at the Goodwill Revue, a yearly benefit for needy black kids sponsored by WDIA, he did himself proud. Remember this was the fifties so for a young white boy, by then a big, big star to show up in an all-black function in 1957 took &quot;guts&quot;. I believe he was showing his roots and he seemed proud of those roots.................ii) I hold no grudges. Elvis didn't steal any music from anyone. He just had his own interpretation of the music he'd grown up on, same was true for me, the same true for everyone. I think Elvis had integrity (In fact), more than anyone, he was the guy who kicked the revolution into high gear. (Moreover) what most people don't know is that this boy was serious about what he was doing, he was carried away by it. When I was in Memphis with my band, he used to stand in the wings and watch us perform. As for fading away, rock and roll is here to stay and so, I believe, is Elvis. He's been a shot in the arm to the business and all I can say is ‘that’s my man’..................iii) In the 1970's, I decided to try my luck in Vegas and Frank Sinatra helped get me into the lounge at Caesar's Palace. That was my first venture into big-time Vegas. But my second involved Elvis. It was Elvis who encouraged the Hilton to book me in the lounge while he was playing in the showroom. My band and our lounge act was strong and if it had been any other entertainer other than Elvis, we might have even drained business away from that showroom. But it was Elvis..iv) to me they didn't make a mistake when they called him the King.
** From [[w:BB King|BB King]] i) 'autobiography &quot;Blues all around me&quot;, where the King of the Blues manages to make a distinction between those white males he was acquainted with, at SUN Records, namely Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis on the one hand, and Elvis on the other, thus giving Presley extra /p2credit for both his personal and musical integrity (pp 141,185), ii) explaining how people in the modern era mistakenly assumed Las Vegas was the place great artists went to die, but with the reality being the opposite iii) and iv) Interview for Elvis lives, an ABC TV 2002 production.

* I altered my stage name to King because of my love for horse racing, but also after my favourite singer, Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Claire King|Claire King]], an English actress. as noted by IMDB.

* As you know I'm trying to be one of the best and hopefully it can happen. Elvis is down in the books as a great one and I'm really happy to actually be here, around his surroundings, around his homeland.
** Afro Caribbean tennis ace [[w:Darian King|Darian King]], a national of Barbados, during his visit to Graceland, on January 21, 2017.

* My dad penned an as-yet unpublished volume which he titled &quot;Rock 'n Roll: Triumph Over Chaos&quot;, There's an enormous amount of unspoken-of history of my dad and Elvis' relationship. Actually, his relationship with my entire family. A lot of people think he was a prejudiced kind of human being but that's not true. He spent a lot of his life with my father and my uncle, at my grandmother's home. They were very close.&quot;
** Jadene King, daughter of Jazzman and bluesman **{{w|Calvin Newborn}} in an article entitled In Seve̪nth Heaven, about the life and times of Calvin Newborn, and as published in the Memphis Flyer December 20, 2018 edition.

* Elvis performed twice at the Miami Beach Convention Center in 1970, arriving in Miami International Airport, where a helicopter brought him over to Miami Beach at the helipad. A limo picked him up there and drove him 10 blocks to the Convention Center. Just before leaving Miami, he got back in the limo to go back to the helicopter and on the way there he said to the limo driver, &quot;Do you own this limo, or do you work for the company?&quot; And the driver said, &quot;I work for the company.&quot; And he said, &quot;Now, you own it.&quot; The limo driver's tip was the limo.
** [[w:Larry King|Larry King]], who admittedly regretted never having met Elvis, recalling an Elvis story showing his immense generosity, as originally told to him by Col. Parker (story broadcast by King himself on January 14, 2005, on CNN's ''Larry King Live'').

* I may be the King in Los Angeles but there's only one King.
** [[w:Ross King (presenter)|Ross King]], in an article entitled |Elvis Presley lives on...and that's the gospel truth&quot;, published in the Sunday Post on August 23, 2018

* Elvis Presley's talent brightened millions of lives. He widened the horizons of my world certainly. The first record I ever owned was a 78 rpm of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; backed by &quot;Don't Be Cruel&quot; and when I listened to those tunes I felt about ten feet tall and I grinned so hard that I felt like the corners of my mouth would meet in the back and the tip of my head would simply topple off. All I know about R&amp;R is that it makes people feel good. Elvis Presley more than made me feel good, he enriched my life and made it better.
** [[w:Stephen King|Stephen King]], as noted in theelvisexpress

* In 1970, once Ray had seen Elvis in Las Vegas, now that was what you could call flash, he would say, that was the start of a huge rift between him and the rest of Kinks. Now it was going to be Ray's dressing room, his bottle of champagne, his limo. He obviously had got it in his mind that he was going to be like Elvis and that the rest of us were HIS band.
** [[w:The Kinks|The Kinks]]'s keyboardist John Gosling, in the book &quot;Ray Davies, not like everyone else&quot;. pp 153

* I was ushering here in Los Angeles at the &quot;Vogue Theater&quot;, that's how I supported myself before I started acting, and about ten o'clock one night a Mercedes Benz 600 Limo bigger than this room, with Elvis in it, pulled up. And I guess at one point in his life Elvis must have made a deal with God, that God would let him be Elvis if Elvis promised he never let anyone forget seeing him. And I say this because when he got out of the Mercedes he was decked out in such a way that, you know, Priscilla Presley is a beautiful woman, right? And she was standing next to him, right? Well, I never saw her. I didn't see anybody and there were 24 people with him. As I was telling you earlier, I was in show business since I was a kid and I was never thrown by any celebrity, but when I saw him walking towards me, I went limp. I froze. And all I could say was &quot;It's the King, It's the King, It's the King, the King's here&quot;. And he said, &quot;Thank you very much...&quot;
** Actor and comedian [[w:Bruno Kirby|Bruno Kirby]] when asked by a caller watching Tom Snyder's &quot;Late Late Night New year's Show, on 31 December 1995, to recall the time he met Elvis Presley, in 1968.

* Elvis Presley is my favorite singer and my favorite film is &quot;Elvis On Tour&quot;. 
** [[w:Philipp Kirkorov|Philipp Kirkorov]], Bulgarian-Russian singer, as repoorted in the Elvis in Russia webpáge. 

* This mission, or the extension of the OSCE Special Monitoring Mission (SMM) will let implement such provisions of the Minsk agreement as the disarmament of illegal armed groups, the formation, monitoring and verification of the withdrawal of Russian troops and military hardware, ensure distribution of humanitarian aid, ensure proper conditions for local elections under the OSCE standards. I urge the Security Council once again to take the lead in establishing such a mission. Just two weeks ago, we exchanged a Russian major for one of our hostages. Of course, the Russian side can also claim that Elvis is alive, but no amount of lies will change the facts.&quot;
** [[w:Pavlo Klimkin|Pavlo Klimkin]], Ukraine's Foreign Minister, in his speech at the UN Security Council on the the Russian/Ukraine question, as delivered on December 12, 2015

* My favorite aspect of Presley's career was whatever day it was when he recorded “Suspicious Minds&quot;.
** Essayist [[Chuck Klosterman]], from a 2009 interview with Clayton Trutor of SB Nation, and re-published there on February 1, 2018.

* My first association is Elvis. I was so shocked when I read that he was 42 when he died. That's so young. How can I be older than Elvis when he died? He was the only American that everyone knew in our culture. My father loved him, and it's what we grew up with. He was this godlike creature. The day he died, I was nine. I remember taking the bus to school and someone said ‘Elvis is dead’. And everyone kept saying it: ‘Elvis is dead, Elvis is dead, Elvis is dead’. We didn't cry, because we were too young, but it made such an impression. I can't think of anyone with that kind of influence now.
** {{w|Karl Ove Knausgaard}}, (b. 1968), Norway's best selling novelist, in an article published by the ''Irish Times'' on September 2, 2017.

* There’s no doubt that Elvis Presley is going places, but will he get there in one piece?
** [[w:Fletcher Knebel|Fletcher Knebel]], taken from his 1956  “Potomac Fever” column and as noted in Pantagraph's March 5, 2022 edition. 

* I'm in awe of people who've accomplished wonderful things and succeed. It was really something when I met Walter Payton. He was just the most humble person that I had ever met and I just met Beyoncé and I really have a lot of respect and admiration for her and the success that she's had. And when I ran across Elvis Presley&quot;
** [[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]], when asked to name people she had had the desire to meet, then got her wish and absolutely loved it, as twitted to New York Jets' Coach Todd Bowles, in an article published by the ''New York Post'' on September 25, 2015.

* Watching Elvis perform on the Ed Sullivan Show with my father, I saw how he looked at me, with real horror, that I liked it. Elvis Presley was a beautiful young person whose recordings were just colossally great. But basically the best stuff he ever did was on the Sun record label.
** [[w:Mark Knopfler|Mark Knopfler]], singer and guitarist for the band Dire Straits, for elvisblog

* I'm working with a studio in the US from January. So maybe mid-year there might be something.
** {{w|Nick Knowles}}, English television personality, in connection with his having turned down movie roles in the past, but hoping that his dream of one day making a film retracing Elvis's steps may come true, as published in the December 12, 2018 online edition of the Mirror.

* Last night, at the House of Commons, there was no quorum. Out of our 259 members only 37 were present. The missing ones went with their kids to see Elvis.
** {{w|Stanley Knowles}}, Canadian parliamentarian, in an interview with the Ottawa Citizen, as reported on April 4, 1957, the day after Elvis concert in Ottawa.

* In 1955 I   saw Elvis in Amarillo, TX and he told me &quot;Man, if you've got a band and some good songs, get into a recording studio cause something is fixing to happen.
** {{w|Buddy Knox}}, as told to Spencer Leigh in an interview published shortly after his death on The Independent's Feb 19, 1999 edition.  

* It's not that President Trump can't win a “war” with Steve Bannon. He can, but if the president is Elvis to Bannon's Ozzy Osborne, well, Ozzy still has his fans.
** {{w|Keith Koffler}}, writing for [[w:Politico|Politico]] on the future of the Republican Party after the split between Pres. Trump and former WH adviser Bannon, in an article entitled &quot;Steve Bannon is not done yet&quot;, as published on 3 January, 2018-

* i) Yes, I really love Elvis He is the best and a class by himself when he sings rock or ballads or any type of songs. I never get tired of listening no matter how many times I hear him over more than 40 years in my life. Above all, I like his songs, say, ‘I Want You, I Need You, I Love You’ and ‘Hawaiian Wedding Song’. I almost forgot to say this: my birthday is January 8, the same day of Elvis. ii) Love me tender, love me true...
** Japanese PM {{w|Junichiro Koizumi}}'s letter to the EP Fan Club of Japan ii) his response to the members of the international press, who asked him to sing a few lines of any Elvis song to President and Mrs. George Bush during their visit to Graceland and which, by virtue of their meeting there, became the only private home in America other than the White House and any of the Presidential retreats to host an official meeting between a sitting President of the United States and the head of a foreign Government.

* At a time when men of color and white men could not drink out of the same water fountain, my great friend the late Otis Blackwell and Elvis were rocking the world. Now, I'm trying to bring us some new music from Otis, made today in today's feel, but sort of &quot;old school meets new&quot;. It's gonna be another 'All Shook Up,' another 'Return To Sender,' I am thanking anyone and everyone right now, because we are going to be a team and do this, and do this together. It was never about color, it wasn't about status, it was about the music.
** Earl Toon, of {{w|Kool &amp; the Gang}}, speaking in an article for CW33, published on December 16, 2016.

* Do what you can to ensure your baby enters the world in the month of January. That's apparently when the brightest and best are most likely to surface, according to a recent study published in the [[w:The Social Science Journal|Journal of Social Sciences]]. Luminaries like Jeff Bezos, legendary physicist Stephen Hawking, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, NHL great Wayne Gretzky, and such celebrities as David Bowie, Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley were all born in January.
** Gene Kosowan, for Babygaga' s Jan 16, 2019 edition, in an article entitled &quot;Babies Born In January Have Better Chances At Prosperous Careers&quot;,

* Elmer nodded hello — we were the only ones at the cementery — and he took that as an invitation to shuffle over, his generous smile emphasizing how glad he was to meet me. After some small talk, I was anxious to be alone so I could have a silent conversation with my grandmother and he obliged, walking away. This second encounter at the cemetery seemed uncanny. Sorry that I'd brushed him off the first time, I engaged the conversation, learning about his wife, who had passed in 1985. When he jumped to describing how he liked making cheesecake topped with strawberries, his blue eyes brightened. I found him charming. As I left, I told him I'd look forward to running into him again sometime. On my next visit to the cemetery, I was startled: on my grandmother's headstone hung a clear plastic baggie, attached with duct tape, holding a note. In sloppy cursive, above a phone number, it read: “I’m getting things to make cheesecake for you. Call me. Elmer.” Although I had never met an elderly man in the cemetery to receive a homemade cheesecake, I didn't hesitate. His generosity toward my family and me quickly progressed. He volunteered to plant flowers at my grandmother's grave to replace my artificial flowers. He started leaving surprise deliveries on our front porch every week: pumpkins for the kids, treats for our dog, birdseed and Elvis Presley commemorative coins. Gradually, he scaled back on both deliveries and expectations. Some people we pull into our orbit and others, like Elmer, make a surprise landing with flares. For five years, he and I remained friends. A year ago, at 87, he passed away...
** Larissa Kosmos in an essay for {{w|Cleveland Magazine}} as published on their December 24, 2018, edition and entitled &quot;A Mourning Man Makes Room For A Friend&quot;

*In a sudden gesture of respect in Las Vegas, Elvis Presley had taken the robe off his back and given it to Ali...
** Mark Kram, writing about Ali and Elvis in Ghosts of Manila, his searing reexamination of the Ali legend.

* When I turned 14, in 1989, I moved to Moscow and discovered the life of underground bohemia, it was the Perestroika years and I became involved with a counterculture circle of Soviet hipsters. We called ourselves “Stilyagi&quot;, were all (finally) allowed to listen to Elvis Presley and went to [[w:Viktor Tsoi|Viktor Tsoi]]’s concerts.
** {{w|Anton Krasovsky}} Russian politician, the first open LGBTQ member to ever run for office, in his case in the September 2018 elections and for the post of Mayor of Moscow, on how he became an Elvis fan in spite of his having been banned there even beyond his death in 1977, as published by the Daily Beast on June 27, 2018.

* Beyond the ambiance, it really is all about the wine, the so-called &quot;one-off&quot; reds, whites and rosés all bottled with artistic labels sold at the winery, online, and as part of Tank Garage's wine club. The production facility doesn't host customers but they do have a special guest in there: Elvis!! They have installed a 40-foot mural of Elvis Presley overlooking the cellar and they often ask themselves while putting together the blends, 'What would Elvis do?
** {{w|Melissa Kravitz}}, focussing on the Tank Garage, a hidden winery inside a California gas station, as published on December 6, 2016

* On October 28th, 1956. Elvis Presley, who, just a month earlier, had set the world record for most viewed telecast in TV history, takes the stage of the Ed Sullivan Show for the second time. He gyrates through “Don’t Be Cruel,” shakes out “Hound Dog” thus cementing himself in the collective memory of an entire generation one shake, rattle and roll at a time. On October 29th, 1956 the L.A Times columnist Dick Williams writes, “Sexhibitionist Elvis Presley has come at last in person to a visibly palpitating, adolescent female Los Angeles to give all the little girls’ libidos the jolt of their lives.” And while Elvis’ three performances on Ed Sullivan are all well-situated in the pantheon of American music history, Williams thought little of it, concluding, “If any further proof were needed that what Elvis offers is not basically music but a sex show, it was provided last night.” Presley, sober and Christian, saw his act as art. To Williams it was pornography. Elvis was dancing to his own music, consumed with passion. Williams wasn't even listening.
** Eric Krebs, a sophomore at [[w:Yale University|Yale]] in 2019, and the Valedictorian at NY's [[w:Xavier High School (New York City)|Xavier]] in 2017, in an article entitled &quot;With your eyes closed&quot;, and as published in the Yale Daily Newsʼ February 25, 2019 edition.

* Love songs are like a fairy tale, but a musical form. Any love songs that are old school, but have a nostalgic feeling to them, I love. My favorite is Elvis ' Can't Help Falling in Love. It's such a romantic song, Whenever you listen to it, it gives you that warm feeling inside, very comforting, that you could find somebody that loves you that much one day.
** Country singer Maddison Krebs, for Western Wheel, as published on February 14, 2018, in an article entitled Musicians share their favourite love songs

* It's almost like seeing Elvis.
** Kristen Krikorian, on meeting Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, as told to Kathleen E. Carey, of the ''Delaware County Daily Times'' on September 24, 2016.

* When I was first becoming a songwriter, I never would have dreamed that Elvis would sing not just one of my songs but three of them and with so much soul. I feel a lot of gratitude for that.
** {{w|Kris Kristofferson}} as noted in www.IHeartElvis.net

* It was King Creole, the title of an Elvis movie from 1958, morphing with a south London accent into “King Krule&quot;.
** English rapper [[w:King Krule|King Krule]], at age 23, explaining how he came up with his stage name, as published by the Ringer on 12 October 2017.

* Thanks to Aretha Franklin and Elvis Presley, Aug. 16 forever will be known, to quote a song from my youth, as the day the music died. We don't agree about much as a country and a people now. We find some of the silliest reasons imaginable to turn disagreements into arguments, arguments into fights, fights into brawls and brawls into wars. But most of us did agree about Elvis. And Aretha. More important, we agreed that we wanted to live in a country where stories like theirs were possible.We wanted an America in which the son of an ex-convict Southern sharecropper and day laborer could vault from working as a truck driver to becoming a king. And we wanted a land in which a black, teenage, unwed mother could leap from being in the choir in her father's church to becoming a queen. Elvis and Aretha became royalty the same way – through hard work, by breaking down barriers and by being talented. So talented. Perhaps it was a coincidence that they both died on Aug. 16. Maybe it was a quirk of fate. Possibly a message from the universe. All I know is that, for a lot of us, that date will be the day the music died, the anniversary of when the King and the Queen left us. Long may they reign.
**John Krull, Director of {{w|Franklin College}}’s Pulliam School of Journalism, in an article entitled &quot;A farewell to the Queen&quot; , on the day after the passing away of Aretha Franklin, as noted on an NBC's WTHR Editorial

* I was born in the fifties so it's part of my fabric. These were some of the things I had in common with Lemmy, from [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] although Lemmy was ten years older and I think he was quite shocked to hear about some of the the music that I listened to because he was going, “How did you know about that?” And the reason that I knew is because I had an older brother and sister. So by the time I was two or three years old, I'm hearing this stuff on their record player and on the radio. My first conscious song that I can remember is “All Shook Up,” by Elvis Presley. I loved that song, really loved that song, and that's my first recollection of music and I just don't know why. It was like I was just attracted to it and I can recall that.
** {{w|Steve &quot;Lips&quot; Kudlow}} founder of the Canadian band [[w:Anvil (band)|Anvil]], explaining how he was first influenced by rock music in an interview with Leslie Michele, as published by Glide Magazine on January 15, 2018 and entitled &quot;ANVIL GOES 41 YEARS STRONG WITH ‘POUNDING THE PAVEMENT.

== L ==
* I started my DJ career nearly 75 years ago in San Francisco, and am still playing the oldies but goodies. In fact I’ve loved radio all my life and I still do, even if things have changed radically since I lured Elvis and Natalie Wood to Scrivner’s drive-in at the corner of Sunset and Cahuenga.
** DJ [[w:Art Laboe|Art Laboe]], who coined the phrase &quot;oldies but goodies&quot;, as told to columnist Patt Morrison for the LA Times, and published there on December 27, 2017

* He was as poor, or more poor than we were and lived around the corner from me. He had an old beat-up guitar and was pretty good with it, even back then. We also played sandlot football and he played with us Negroes all the time. In fact, I clearly recall seeing Elvis and BB King on a street corner playing together during their hungry days. And (all of ) that was before the world knew there was an Elvis Presley.
** Fred Lackland, African American student at [[w:Booker T. Washington High School (Memphis, Tennessee)|Booker T Washington High School ]] in Memphis, TN, in an article published by the {{w|Jackson Advocate}} on July 27th, 1957 and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's start with negroes in Memphis told&quot;

* Do you think I'm at that level? It's within sight. Well, then, that's more terrifying that you think that.&quot;
** Singer, songwriter {{w|Lady Gaga}}'s exchange with Brian Hiatt, who had interviewed her in Nashville, TN, where they had discussed the twin fates of Michael Jackson and Elvis, in an article published on RollingStone on June 9, 2011

* My childhood hero was Elvis Presley and I wanted to emulate his look
** [[w:Bappi Lahiri|Bappi Lahiri]], Indian music composer, director, actor and record producer, in an interview with The Indian Express published on July 01, 2018

* Number one for me and no one else comes close; ignore for a second that Presley was the most beautiful human being of all time and that he was easily the most electric performer ever; in his prime, he could sing anything (rock, opera, metal, soul, blues, country – no problem); all the wonks will tell you he did his best work at Sun Records, but for me his immense '50s RCA output is so explosive that it puts everyone else to shame; it’s not just that Elvis had an amazing instrument, no one ever had so much fun putting it to use; whirling back and forth from low to high, from raspy to angelically pretty, the only singer ever that could take any song and transform it into something that sounded like it came from somewhere else, a galaxy or two away.
** Brad Laidman, music writer for BLOGCRITICS, reviewing Rolling Stone magazine's listing of the 100 &quot;Greatest Singers of all time&quot;, as published on 17 November, 2008

* Perhaps the only other voice to touch me (Luciano Pavarotti's voice being the first), was the voice of Elvis Presley; to watch him perform as I did along with Carl (Palmer), and Keith (Emerson), both in 1971 and again later in 1976 was an absolutely awesome and breathtaking experience; like Pavarotti, Presley had the power to reduce most people to tears very quickly and indeed to move them to think very carefully about their inner spiritual beliefs; as far as singing is concerned, the human voice is a matter of the expression of passion in the understanding of the human condition and, upon seeing both of them perform, I very quickly came to realise that they were each capable of expressing more feeling, with their voices, than I had ever thought possible.
** [[w:Greg Lake|Greg Lake]], lead singer and bass player for the UK progressive rock super-group &quot;Emerson, Lake and Palmer&quot;, as published on www.greglake.com, on September 7, 2007.

* They come here because they want and if they're still shopping at closing time, we don't make them leave. We accommodate our guests. They have driven so many miles and they want to see where it all began. Through the long years, I have learned it's usually best to treat celebrities visiting as regular people. When [[w:Steven Tyler|Steven Tyler]] and [[w:Joe Perry|Joe Perry]] were here, they were in ball caps and we just let them look around. {{w|Albert II, Prince of Monaco}} was happy to have his photograph taken, while Facebook founder {{w|Mark Zuckerberg}} preferred no photos. {{w|Dolly Parton}} was practically unrecognizable in a cap and blue jeans.
** Rhonda Lamb, Assistant Director of the Elvis Presley Birthplace, in Tupelo, MS, in an article published on the Daily Journal on September 25, 2017.

* Elvis had an impact on everyone. Elvis and The Beatles. Both of those artists are the reason most of us are musicians, those of us that come along in the late ’60s and early ’70s. I can’t remember if I heard him first, or if I saw his performance on the “Ed Sullivan Show” first. But I had all of his 45s as a kid in the 1950s — “Hound Dog,” Heartbreak Hotel&quot; — all of them.
** [[w:Robert Lamm|Robert Lamm]], keyboardist, singer and songwriter a founding member of the pop rock band {{w|Chicago Transit Authority}}, as published at the Chicago Sun Herald on 30 October, 2017.

* My wife and I passed him in the hallway and were impressed by how good he looked, the handsomest guy we ever saw. Minutes later, he went into Barbra Streisand's dressing room. Years later she revealed in an unpublished interview the extraordinary scene that followed. She was alone, sitting at her dressing table when Elvis, whom she had never met, entered. After Elvis closed the door behind him, he said simply, &quot;Hi,&quot; and an awkward silence followed. Suddenly he reached over and picked up a bottle of red nail polish from the vanity table. Without a word, he fell to one knee, took Barbra's hand in his and began, slowly and painstakingly, to apply the bright crimson varnish to Barbra's tapering fingernails. The intimacy of the gesture, the supplication of it, stunned Barbra, who stared in fascination as Elvis worked, and when he finished, she mumbled &quot;Thank you.&quot;
** Don Lamond, as told to James Spada (pp 244-245 of Spada's bio, &quot;Streisand: Her Life&quot; 1995, Crown Publishing.

* Elvis really bestowed himself on his fans, thus making himself worthy of a Nobel Prize as well.
** {{w|Larry Kassirer Lancaster}}, in a letter to the Editor of the Buffalo News, dated 17 December 2016, in response to an article entitled Dylan was richly deserving of the Nobel Prize for Literature

* There is something magical about watching a man who has lost himself find his way back home... He sang with the kind of power people no longer expect from rock 'n' roll singers. While he sings in a lower voice than ever -and what I liked about the early records was that beautifully vulnerable high voice-, he opened his Boston concert (1971) with &quot;That's Alright Mama&quot; (1954), singing it with enough verve to scare the unsuspecting. It was his very first record, and although it doesn't sound quite the same as when he did it 17 years ago at the Sun studios in Memphis, I was moved by the fact that he was doing it at all. It was a tour de force of theatrics, professionalism, and, happily, music. (In fact), he sings so well, the audience hesitates to press him for more, his purpose being to please himself by pleasing them, never to please them by pleasing himself.
** [[w:Jon Landau|Jon Landau]], for &quot;Rolling Stone&quot; magazine, reviewing his November 10, 1971, concert at the Boston Garden.

* My roots are deep regardless. I was truly blessed because it's such a rich area for music — a lot of the traditional music, of course, with both Cajun and zydeco, but all the generations that have come up, especially the younger groups, have one foot in the past and one very much in future, and they're doing their own thing with it. In fact, all music was special to me. It was just magical. I was very much hooked by music from Day 1. Elvis Presley was the reigning king coming up when I was still living in Jackson, MS. And then moving here to LA, in addition to whatever was on the radio, there was always, like, a new business opening up, and they'd have Cajun bands play. They also had their own TV shows on Saturdays, and I'd watch those. I was definitely snakebit. Especially with the guitar, obviously.
** [[w:Sonny Landreth|Sonny Landreth]], describing his early blues influeces, in an interview with Roger Catlin of the Washington Post published on December 29, 2016.

* His chest and his heart were OK, and he had a fever caused by a significant ear infection, but it never entered my mind that he would shortly die. He was very, very cordial, that is what I remember the most about him.
** Dr Hypolite Landry, recalling the time, in the afternoon of March 31, 1977, when he was called by the Mayor of Baton Rouge to confirm that Elvis, then staying at the Baton Rouge Hilton, was too sick to perform that night at LSU, as was the case, and as explained in an interview beamed on December 9, 2018 with radio personality [[w:Jim Engster|Jim Engster]]'s WRKF &quot;Talk Louisiana&quot;show.

* He was a wonderful person, and a lovely man to kiss. During the movie shoot, we did it (kiss) in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. He is a wonderful person, you can't define him in one line
** Actress {{w|Jocelyn Lane}}, Austria born, UK national who co-starred with Elvis on &quot;Tickle me&quot; and later became a Princess after marrying Prince Alfonso zu Hohenlohe-Langenburg, the Holy Roman Emperor descendant known throughout the world for the promotion of the Spanish resorts of Marbella and the Costa del Sol, in an interview in 1965, with Dick Clark for American bandstand

* He had total love in his eyes when he performed. He was the total androgynous beauty. I would practice Elvis in front of the mirror when I was twelve or thirteen years old.&quot;
** [[k.d. lang]], as published in www.graceland.com

* We were out to dinner one night, with my husband and brother in law, and someone at the bar said he had just passed away, and it really, really, really ruined my night, everything. He was the biggest star that has ever been in the world.
** {{w|Sue Ane Langdon}}, who co-starred in two films with Elvis, in a 1992 interview with Joan Rivers.

* In 1956, I bought my Elvis records at Duvan Music in downtown Sioux City. They had a booth there where you could sit and listen to the record before you bought it. I had 'em all. So did every kid at Central High. So my friend and I bought tickets for the May 23 Elvis concert, the cheapest ones. It was a mob. It took a half-hour for us to squeeze and wedge our way to the stage. It may have been warm in there, I don't know but all I remember is the electricity. He came out there with a saunter like he knew what he was doing, singing 'Mystery Train' first and all you could hear was the first words 'Train a ride'. After that, it was just bedlam, and screaming, along with Elvis and his two musicians. And he was so cool, rebellion in the flesh. I mean who grows his hair long like that? And shakes his butt? We loved him. I played harmonica at the time, was almost 17 and he was only 21, not much difference. I just stood there with my mouth open thinking, my God, this guy has picked up on something. He had charisma, the crowd in the palm of his hand. His musical ability had a lot to do with it, he wasn't just a pretty face. I used to listen to the blues on black radio stations at night and I said, 'This guy's a black musician in a white man's body. Elvis had a real strong sense of gospel and was just fascinated with gospel groups.
** [[w:Jack Langley|Jack Langley]], a Central High School student in 1956 who took up music as a way of life after attending Elvis' May 23, 1956 concert, as published in the Sioux City Journal on August 18, 2002

* I was walking through a narrow hallway past Elvis’ dressing room, right after a show when I saw a movie star type a bit further up the hallway. He turned around and it was Cary Grant. He loved Elvis. Anyways he looked up at me, and with that English accent he says: “Here’s the drummer! Is it ‘Bob’? Oh boy, I loved your drumming so much. It was a pleasure to meet you, Bob!”. I remember calling my brother, who’s also an actor, and saying: “You are NOT going to believe this!. Anyways, of all the other artists that I have worked for, he was so professional and at the same time so loving. Elvis was such a good guy, a really good person. I think it was easy for him to be that way, because he was so talented, very confident, and perhaps that gave him a generosity of spirit. Usually it’s the lesser talents that have certain ugly character traits, probably because they are not as confident. But Elvis was just wonderful.
** Drummer [[w:Bob Lanning|Bob Lanning]], on how well he was treated by celebrities he met during the time he played drums for Elvis, and on how Elvis exuded confidence and love, in an interview with Rock Legend, as published on the FECC webpage-

* I was awed by &quot;the presence&quot; and was a wonderful caring person and he was fit, slender and couldn't be nicer to me. It was really wonderful...
** [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]], detailing her relationship with Elvis during the filming of Blue Hawaii.

* I'll tell you something, last Christmas I saw Elvis do something. The Salvation Army kettle at Main and Beale Streets wasn't getting any money. Elvis watched the people passing by for a while not putting money in, then he went over and put a bill in, then he began to cut up and told the people 'Let's help the poor folks out so they can at least have a Christmas dinner'. He got complete strangers to smile and then the money started dropping. So, give the boy a break. Memphis will be proud of him. He's a grand boy. I'm 53 and I grew up in the Jazz Age, so we never thought much about the Charleston or the Black Bottom crazes. I don't like rock and roll, but Elvis is different. They talk about juvenile delinquency and here is a boy who didn't have much except what was inside himself. He just has Rhythm in him and it has to come out. I think he has done a pretty good job of lifting himself. He's full of life and already I can see the rough edges being smoothed out. That dance he does, nobody said anything when Marguerite Piazza did the 'St. Louis Blues'.
** Joyce Lansky, wife of Bernard Lansky of {{w|Lansky Brothers}}, Memphis Beales Street- clothiers for numerous celebrities, most notably Isaac Hayes and Elvis Presley, talking to Memphis reporter Robert Johnson in an article published in 1956.

* It may surprise you, but I am a Presley fan. Elvis recently saw my folks in California and told them he was a fan of mine, that I had been an inspiration to him.... What that boy has done is phenomenal. He has busted many of the disc sales records I held, in little over a year.
**[[w:Mario Lanza|Mario Lanza]], to an UPI reporter, in 1957.

* I have everything ever done by Elvis, I have all his master recordings. And if you go to my home,it's like a museum there...
** Sergio Lapegüe, Argentinean television host and music personality whose only son was named after Presley, in an interview with Martha Legrand, shown on November 19, 2019.

* All we ever heard about back in the fifties was the space race and how we were lagging behind the Russians. That and Elvis
** Stephen Lapekas, the subject of a cover of LIFE magazine on the status of Education in both the US and the USSR published on March 24 1958, on the exact day Elvis entered the US Army.

* Steve Allen's ethics were questionable from the start. He fouled Presley, a fair-minded judge would say, by dressing him in white tie and tails. This is a costume often seen on star performers at funerals, but only when the deceased has specifically requested it in his will. Elvis made no such request—or for that matter, no will. He was framed. It was a gag from which no ordinary twitching vocalist ... could be expected to recover. Elvis recovered. As he left the hall, more dead than alive, he found the street hip-deep in bobby-soxers. And he bloomed like a rose, they tell me, and writhed again as of old.
**[[w:John Lardner (sports writer)|John Lardner]], writing about Elvis' strange appearance, on July 1, 1956, at the Steve Allen Show, for his Newsweek column's July 6, 1956 edition.

* He is one of the great American icons. Rock'n'roll just kind of formed around him. Even Elvis called him the King.
** Joe Lauro, Director of the documentary &quot;The Big Beat, Fats Domino and the birth of Rock and Roll&quot;' laud of Fats Domino, in an article published by The Guardian, on December 16, 2017.

* When I came on the sound stage and met him for the first time, he was like a mannequin, sitting there, so still and I thought, “Wow they have a mannequin that looks just like Elvis!” He got up, shook hands with me, and said “Nice to know you, Sir.” He was just as polite and nice as he could be. We talked about a lot of different things. He was interested in karate, which I had studied with Chuck Norris many years before. He was also interested in many of the books and writings I was involved in. He told me about his reading of Gibran's The Prophet, as well as certain things I had no idea I was going to use later, years after he passed away. I did a lot of the things that he told me in the Kurt Russell TV biography, where I had to write in an annotated script, which meant you had to take note of where each thing came from in the margins (almost like a bibliography). The legal department didn't know how much could be done without being sued, so they wanted to have every part of it locked down. It was a lot of Elvis...
** Producer [[w:Tony Lawrence|Tony Lawrence]], who met Elvis in Roustabout and again in Paradise Hawaiian Style,as published in Quora on July 14, 2014

* The year was 1956 and I was in grade 6. Elvis Presley made his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show on TV and the music world was changed forever. Our school music appreciation teacher, Mr. Francis, was visibly upset, trying to teach us to love Brahms and Beethoven — but at recess, the girls would bring out a little record player and we'd hear Elvis. Mr. Francis responded by bringing an Elvis record to class, and using a hammer to smash it in front of us. He told us the music of the masters would live forever, but by next year at this time, this flash in the pan — Elvis Presley — would never be heard of again. Now, fast forward to yesterday where a paper cup Elvis drank from back in a 1956 outdoor performance just sold for more than $3,300. Maybe fittingly, it was bought by the owner of the &quot;Icon Hotel&quot; near London, England. What do I learn from this? I doubt some of today's entertainment will stand the test of time, but I keep watching for paper cups. Let me know what you think.
** [[w:Bob Layton (newscaster)|Bob Layton]], Top Canadian newscaster and News Director at 630CHED in an editorial entitled &quot;Don’t be cruel&quot;, and published on January 21, 2018.

* I was starting in the movies, had no money then, he knew it, so after liking a few of the stunts we did in &quot;Blue Hawaii&quot; he gave me a US$100 bill which I used to have a great meal, a filet mignon, and pay the rent. Had I saved it, and asked him to autograph it, I would have made US$100,000 on that US$100 note. He was a great guy.
** [[w:Gene LeBell|Gene LeBell]] martial artist, instructor, stunt performer, and professional wrestler who appeared in two of Elvis' films, for an &quot;MMA's One on One&quot; interview.

* It seems almost inexplicable that the human race, with its ravenous appetite for entertainment, should have failed over so many decades to produce another Callas and Elvis. Neither Pavarotti nor Madonna come close, nor ever will. The desperate efforts of a universal music industry have yielded nothing more enduring than Cecilia Bartoli, the mini-voiced mezzo who tops the opera charts, and the high-kicking, faintly archaic Kylie Minogue, who belongs more to the smiley era of the Andrews Sisters than to the grim virtual reality of Bill Gates. In fact, when we commemorate the Presley and Callas anniversaries, one month apart, we confirm a catastrophic failure of cultural renewal.
** Norman Lebrecht, for the Evening Standard

* Despite the name and best-known (striped t-shirt) scenes, Elvis' &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; is not really a “prison flick.” His character does go to jail, where he discovers his musical prowess and pursues it once he gets out, but his journey to stardom proves even more challenging than his time behind bars. His James Dean-ish “bad boy” character makes bad choices, and it all leads to an obvious journey of redemption. But this one ain't about the story; it's about the exhilarating music and its star, whose charisma was so off the charts that it was quite fittingly criminal.
** [[w:Lina Lecaro|Lina Lecaro]], US radio host, in an article for the {{w|Consequence of Sound}} and entitled &quot;The 50 greatest rock and roll movies&quot;, published on September 26, 2018.

* I  once certified the authenticity of an Elvis Presley soundtrack album, kept and played by Bruce Lee for over a decade.  He had  put his personal Chinese chop on it,  as was customary in all his albums. This one we listened to  endlessly, huge admirers of Elvis as we both were.
**About  [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee]]' love of Elvis music, as told by his friend  and student [[w:Taky Kimura|Taky Kimura]], a Japanese national who was Lee's best man at his wedding and one of six pallbearers at his funeral. The album, from the 1961  movie &quot;Blue Hawaii&quot; sold at an auction in 2012 for a little over 4,500 Euros.

* He never lost that Southern, genteel, gentlemanly persona. Of course, that came from his mother. I loved that about him. He was that way to the end
** Singer [[w:Brenda Lee|Brenda Lee]], whose 1st appearance at the Grand Ole Opry had Presley, then the world's biggest star, in the audience as reported by the Tennessean on December 16, 2015

* What was once a tiny town of considerable character is now 6 times it size. Guess what: They are trying to turn me into a tourist attraction like Graceland and Elvis Presley.&quot;
** Pulitzer Prize laureate [[w:Harper Lee|Harper Lee]], speaking about her home town, Monroeville, Alabama, in an article published posthumously on the SF Gate's Aug. 20, 2007 edition.

* I remember the first time I saw him on TV, when he burst upon the music scene like a blazing comet and the indescribably powerful impact he had on the youth of the nation -and the world.&quot;
** [[w:Stan Lee|Stan Lee]], in an interview for the 35th anniversary of Elvis'passing

* The spirit of Elvis is way bigger than the music. I don't know how many Elvis records I actually bought. It wasn't my generation, but the spirit, the attitude, the vibe, the cool of Elvis? Elvis had many phases, many stages. Depending on who you are and how old — are you military Elvis with the perfect complexion? Were you beginning Elvis when he upset everybody with [imitates Presley's voice]? Or were you end-stage Elvis, which frankly, I enjoy that as much.
** {{w|David Lee Roth}}, frontman for the band Van Halen, in an interview with blabbermouth and published on 8 August 2015 and entitled DAVID LEE ROTH On VAN HALEN's Future: 'I Wouldn't Hold My Breath'

* Backstage at Washington DC's {{w|Shakespeare Theatre Company}}’s two locations — the Lansburgh Theatre and Sidney Harman Hall — actors and crew members maintain elaborate shrines to a creative icon. Not the Bard, but Elvis Presley. The tradition started one night in 1989. During a performance of “The Beggar’s Opera,” stage manager James Latus heard a loud sound during the show and asked his assistant, Audrey Brown, if she knew who was responsible. “Uh, um, uh…Elvis!” (In fact) Brown, a Memphis native, refused to rat out the real culprit, which led Latus to take the joke to its natural conclusion and create a full-blown shrine, consisting of a tasteful Elvis postcard and candle. Actors and crew people started donating items for good luck. When the company moved to the Lansburgh Theatre in the 1990s, the Elvis shrine came, too. Around this time, the theater received a letter from then-First Lady {{w|Hillary Clinton}}’s press secretary. They were planning to come see a show, but they wouldn’t have time to visit the shrine. The letter was promptly framed and added to the shrine. But when the Clintons showed up, Hillary insisted on making a pilgrimage. The shrine now holds a photo of her pointing at the copy of her press secretary’s letter. Latus said he’d like to see an Elvis-inspired Shakespeare adaptation one day. His vote is for “King Lear,” while Cox would like to see an Elvis “Macbeth”. Both, of course, are tragedies. The Shakespeare Theatre doesn't have any Elvis-themed projects in the works right now, but maybe, with enough prayers at the shrine, some day it will happen.
** Mikaela Lefrak, in an article appearing at American University's radio website page ̽(WAMU 98.5 FM), in which she explains the Washington, DC Shakespeare Theatre Company's unique decision to maintain an Elvis shrine in both of their locations, as published on November 6, 2018.

* I wanted to channel my inner Elvis...
** [[w:John Legend|John Legend]], R&amp;B singer, in an interview about the 50th Anniversary of the 1968 NBC Special, in which he will sing, inter-alia, &quot;A little less conversation&quot;

* He had an incredible, attractive instrument that worked in many registers; he could falsetto like Little Richard, his equipment was outstanding, his ear uncanny, and his sense of timing second to none; (in short) he could sing. And when it came to the blues, Elvis knew his stuff, his knowledge being almost encyclopedic. Mike (Stoller) and I were blown away. In fact, the conversation got so enthusiastic at the studio that Mike and Elvis sat down at the piano and started playing four-handed blues. He definitely felt our passion for the real roots material and shared that passion with all his heart. Just like that, we fell in love with the guy. ‘Let’s get started,’ Elvis said. ‘Let’s cut some records.’ And then we jumped right into ‘Jailhouse Rock&quot;
** [[w:Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller|Jerry Leiber]], who with Mike Stoller, co-wrote some of the greatest R&amp;R and Pop hits of the 50's and early 60's, speaking about the recording session which yielded, inter alia, the title song for the movie &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; in their autobiography &quot;Hound Dog&quot;.

* Elvis's music is the one true gift he's left behind, and it is continually being shared with the world. The music will never die, but apart from that, it's the other intangible things that keep him alive- his love, his laughter, his films, all the photos that we see and have access to will keep him alive, for generations to come. The last time I saw him, In 1974, he did put in a great show.
** Actress {{w|Barbara Leigh}}, from her autobiography &quot;The King, McQueen and the Love Machine&quot;

* He looked, sounded like anyone on the planet in 1956
** [[w:Spencer Leigh (radio presenter)|Spencer Leigh]], BBC presenter and author, in an interview with the BBC on July 9, 2018.

* i) Elvis was the thing. Whatever people say, he was it. I was not competing against Elvis, Rock happened to be the media I was born into. He was the one, that's all. Those people who picked paint brushes like Van Gogh, probably wanted to be Renoir, or whoever went before him. I wanted to be Elvis.
** {{w|John Lennon}}'s words of appreciation, as read posthumously by his son Julian on his own behalf and that of his younger brother Sean, both of whom were chosen by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to induct Presley in 1986. SOURCE:   YOU TUBE 206. Julian and Sean Lennon Inducting Elvis Presley Into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame&quot;

* I would show people and it felt like bragging rights. The public was like fascinated when they saw  all the presidential cars: Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower. Now, we have a large collection of Abraham Lincoln cars that I am proud of because we are in the Land of Lincoln.  Then I got into stuff like Elvis Presley....
**  {{w|List of automotive museums|Wayne Lensing}}, founder and curator of the Historic Auto Attraction  Museum, in Roscoe, KY,  telling  station WREX how he expanded from owning Presidential limos, to Elvis' 1972 Lincoln Continental Mark IV, as detailed on their  August 27, 2021 edition,

* Ali was my idol, Bruce Lee was my idol, Sugar Ray Robinson was my idol and Elvis Presley was my idol, so I combined those 4 to make Sugar Ray Leonard.
** [[w:Ray Leonard|Ray Leonard]], explaining how the making of his persona was influenced by two boxers, a martial artist and one Elvis Presley.

* In any case, there's something beautifully uncomfortable at the root of the vocal style that defines the pop era, the simplest example coming at the moment of the style's inception, i.e. Elvis Presley: at first, listeners thought that the white guy was a black guy and it's not too much of an exaggeration to say that when Ed Sullivan's television show tossed this disjunction into everyone's living rooms, American culture was thrilled by it, but also a little deranged, in ways that we haven't gotten over yet; ultimately, the nature of the vocals in post-Elvis popular music is the same as the role of the instrumental soloist in jazz; that's to say, if it isn't pushing against the boundaries of its form, at least slightly, it isn't doing anything at all; so, we judge popular vocals since 1956 by what the singer unearths that the song itself could never quite, and (this) explains why Elvis is always rock, even when singing &quot;Blue Moon&quot;
** Excerpted from the lead article by Jonathan Lethem, as published on Rolling Stone's magazine's December 2008 issue, honoring the 100 greatest singers in the Rock era, in an article entitled &quot;What Makes a Great Singer&quot;

* Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today. 10. I’ve been dead 38 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards 9. What do you know? The Jets still suck 8. I’m hungry — is there are any food stuck in my sideburns ? 7. I can’t believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!6. Who’s this ‘Richard Simmons,’ and why’s he keep trying to hug me?5. I’ve been dead 38 years, – of course I want fries with that! 4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up 3. That Letterman punk’s on the TV — where’s my revolver? 2. I haven’t been dead — I’ve been starring in a series on CBS 1. Lisa Marie married who? Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today II 10. Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras 9. Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns 8. This new President and I disagree on a lot of things, but french fries ain’t one of them 7. Is there something I just don’t get about Pauly Shore?  6. What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who’s that dork using his theater? 5. Can I get that Miata in pink? 4. What’s my old smokin’ buddy Suzie Molinari doin’ these days? 3. All you people who thought I was alive this whole time — you morons! 2. I’d heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy in the wedding photos is white  1. Bob Dole? Didn’t I meet him back when I was dead?
**  {{w|David Letterman}} as  featured in his show in 2009 and 2015

* I started looking around for new acts—like some country-and-western people. I tracked Presley down in New Orleans and spoke to his manager Tom Parker. I told him we'd like to use Elvis on several shows. He was thrilled to death. I booked Elvis for the following Saturday. I bought him for four shows for a total of five thousand dollars. Presley's national debut on Stage Show was like nothing that anyone had ever seen before on national television. It was the raw against the cooked, postwar prosperity versus prewar propriety, an atomic burst of sexual vitality obliterating the palled remnants of Depression-era glamour. The sloe-eyed Presley had a leering smile while his body gyrated with unabashed sexuality. A strong country blues sense emanated from the handsome young singer ... whose forelock drooped over his face, added to his allure. Elvis Presley was rock ’n’ roll, which was suddenly embraced by the emerging generation as its own music. Its sound shattered the complacency of the 1950s and broke the ground for the anti-establishment culture coming in the following decades And with its visual impact, television would suddenly cause the look of a musical artist to become almost as important as the content of his or her music. His arsenal of bumps and grinds again alternately shocked, terrified, and delighted the television audience. He had nothing to learn from Tommy Dorsey musically.
** {{w|Peter Levinson}}, as told to Tino Barzie, Tommy Dorsey's band manager and published in elvis-history on September 12, 2011.

* As our Chief Investment Officer opined on the morning after the Brexit vote, in the aftermath of the financial crisis, perhaps it shouldn't come as a surprise that uninspiring economic outcomes lead to unexpected political outcomes— or at least those considered outside the mainstream... So, with apologies to Elvis Presley, 59 million Donald Trump voters and 13 million Bernie Sanders supporters can't be wrong.
** [[w:Brian Levitt|Brian Levitt]], Senior Investment Strategist and Paul Blease, Director of CEO Advisor Institute, as published on Forbes' edition of 12 November, 2016

* It sounds trite,contrived, but that was like the Holy Grail. The light went off. This spark led me on a musical journey that took me from running around my house as a boy wearing Elvis-inspired cardboard sideburns glued to my face, to receiving a birthday kiss from Elvis' wife, Priscilla Presley, at the Box Tops' induction ceremony into the Memphis Music Hall of Fame in November of 2018.
** [[w:The Box Tops|Rick Levy]], guitarist for the Box Tops, a Memphis,TN band, recalling his first moment as a rock enthusiast, as noted in the Island Now's February 22,2019 edition.

* Well, I don't know. But they had Katharine Kersten and me and two liberals in rotation. Now they don't. Although I will have a column on Elvis in there pretty soon. It's called, “Why Elvis Still Matters.” I love Elvis. But, in fairness to the Star Tribune, they have been exceedingly open-&amp;shy;minded. And so has the Pioneer Press for that matter.
** [[w:Jason Lewis (Minnesota politician)|Jason Lewis]], in an interview with the Minnesota Post and in reference to the Star Tribune, where Lewis worked for many years, as published in the Minnesota Post on September 2, 2015.

* I said, ‘Elvis, I’m going to ask you one thing before we part company here. If you die, do you think you’d go to heaven or hell?’ And he got real red in the face, and then he got real white in the face, and he said, ‘Jerry Lee, don’t you ever say that to me again.
** [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis|Jerry Lee Lewis]], in an interview with Simon Hattenstone, for the Guardian, and published on 8 August 2015.

* I knew him when we were both making movies at Paramount, where he made his presence quite well known at the studio. He was a really nice kid, one of the nicest people I have met in show business. We had our own projects to work on, of course, so we didn't see each other a lot, but when we did it was always good. Elvis seemed very humble, and he had great respect for other actors.
** [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]] in an interview with James L. Neibaur on February 26, 2014 -
* A lot has been written and said about why he was so great, but I think the best way to appreciate his greatness is just to go back and play some of the old records. Time has a way of being very unkind to old records, but Elvis' keep getting better and better.”
** Rocker [[w:Huey Lewis|Huey Lewis]], as published in www.graceland.com

* You need more glitz in your act 
** [[w:Liberace|Liberace]]'s advise to Elvis when they first mnet in las Vegas in 1956, as reported by Fox News on December 19, 2021.  

* In the beginning, Elvis was like a tornado skipping erratically across the musical landscape, his talents raw, wild, and unfocused but within a short time he was able to rein in his vocals and become a master of both seductive nuance and mesmerizing bursts of energy. Scotty Moore was the perfectionist who worked to find musical counterpoint to Elvis's energetic vocals, setting a new standard for lead guitarists with his precise musical licks. Bassman Bill Black was the person who entertained Elvis and first showed him how to relate to the public. Finally, working in sync with Bill, drummer D.J. Fontana provided the rhythm that transformed high-energy, country-blues selections into rock 'n' roll. Whether the magic that occurred during the Sun Sessions was an accident or a logical amalgam of diverse musical talents, will be debated for years. What will not is the immense impact those sessions had not just on the genesis of rock 'n' roll, but on American culture itself, setting in motion social and political changes that ultimately redefined America in the eyes of the world.
** The US {{w|Library of Congress}}'s laud of Elvis's Sun recordings, on their 2002 inclusion into the National Registry and as written by James L. Dickerson

* My wey, Blueberry Hill, Love me tender, The times they are changing and For all the girls I loved before.
** [[w:Joe Lieberman|Joe Lieberman]] citing his all time five songs in an interview with Don Imus on 18 Nov. 2011

* I really got interested when I got into high school, about grade nine. I heard &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; by Elvis Presley and I went and bought a guitar and so did a friend of mine. We both bought guitars and we practiced Elvis impersonations, way back when we were 15-years-old. And that was how I learned how to play the guitar. Elvis Presley has a great recording of my song &quot;Early Morning Rain&quot;. He did such a good job on it too, and it was probably the most important recording that I have by another artist.
** {{w|Gordon Lightfoot}}, answering interviewer Matt Wake on what got him interested in music,as published on the February 17, 2015 edition at Advanced Digital.

* Growing up during the pre-rock ‘n’ roll era, I fell on the ground when I heard “Heartbreak Hotel&quot; in 1956. I thought, ‘Man this is happening. Years later I met him while rehearsing for his ’68 Comeback Special. Our road manager was Jerry Williams, a promoter who knew Elvis so one June evening Jerry asked us to go down and see him. When we arrived between 9:30 and 10 o’clock that night, Elvis decided to take a break. He came out right on Sunset Boulevard, standing on the sidewalk leaning against the building. Jerry exclaimed, “You can’t stay out there!” And this is Elvis Presley, right? He looks like Elvis Presley. Elvis replied, “Look, nobody is gonna believe it’s really me”. It was the truth. We're just rapping back and forth. People came by, and they'd do a double take—‘Nah it can’t be Elvis’—and they'd walk on. Nobody will ever be like him. I would have given anything to have seen him at the Overton Park Shell [renamed the Levitt Shell] in Memphis when he was about 20 years old. Elvis rocked harder than almost anybody. If he's in heaven right now—and I'm sure he is—he's probably smiling as he looks down and says, “Look how many people are trying to do what I did”.
** Singer [[w:Mark Lindsay|Mark Lindsay]] formerly the leader of the 1960's group Paul Revere &amp; the Raiders, as excerpted from in an interview given to the Examiner, and published on their online edition on 26 January, 2015.

* Here is a nonchalant phenomenon whom, as yet, no one has accurately described, a young man who has an inherent ability to arouse mass hysteria (or should I say ecstasy?) wherever he goes, yet is unassuming and completely untouched by the fabulous success he has achieved almost overnight.
** {{w|Bud Lilly}} Publicity director for the New Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas, in a letter to the Las Vegas SUN, which had requested the hotel management to provide the paper with more information on Presley, as published on April 26, 1956.

* He's Elvis and the Beatles combined
** About [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]'s tremendous popularity, as quoted by Michael Harrison of {{w|Talkers Magazine}} in {{w|Ze'ev Chafet}}'s book &quot;An Army of One&quot;.

* Two of Elvis Presley's favourite hobbies were watching TV and firing guns from his extensive collection. And occasionally he'd combine them to explosive effect. Whereas most viewers reach for the remote, the King of Rock and Roll had his own way of dealing with shows he didn't like, and the result was a graveyard of bullet-riddled TV sets behind his Graceland mansion. This particular set had originally sat in his daughter Lisa Marie's bedroom, until one night when Elvis was struggling to get a signal. Instead of getting it fixed, he shot a hole in it with a nearby handgun, and gave it to his nurse Letetia Henley to toss on the pile. However, she decided to test it first and found it had incredibly survived Elvis' wrath, so she gave it to her daughter instead. And more than 40 years later in August 2018, the set was offered for auction at Graceland – still in working order, and complete with the original bullet hole – where it sold for $4,000.
** Simon Lindley for [[w:Collecting|Collecting]], in an article entitled &quot;Ten Weirdest Auctions Stories of 2018&quot; and as published on their December 12, 2018 online edition.

* One illustration of this is a man named Elvis Presley. His voice is recognized the world over. What you may not know about him is that as a child, he was baptized in Jesus' name and received the Holy Ghost in an Apostolic church. He could have been a saint in the church and a music minister, and be an old man in a Pentecostal church in the south. His name and voice are still immediately recognized, even by those who were not yet born when he died. But the price he paid was all wrong. The peace and security of a solid walk with God, for fame.
** Tad Lindley for the Delta Discovery in a religious article entitled The Price is Right, published on October 10, 2018
* He was a big part of my musical education.
** Actress [[w:Laura Linney|Laura Linney]], in an interview with CBS TV.

* I saw him a couple of times at the Hilton, and the first time I went backstage, I talked to him for about an hour.  He was a  very shy, wonderful person.  He asked me if I got recognized in public, and I said I did,  but not like him.  He said he couldnt go anywhere, so I told him to do what Bing Crosby does,  wear an old  sweater, grow a beard, whatever. And then he said, &quot;Well,  Mr. Little I couldnt do that.......... people wouldnt get any autographs LOL
** [[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]], in a Mesquite by Youtube published on 15 July, 2017

* I had idolized him growing up, to me he was the sacred monster of rock'n' roll. And Elvis was equally intrigued by my performance in The Mod Squad, so he invited me to his show in Nevada. He once left me a poem scrawled on a torn-off scrap of paper on top of my pillow and gave me a ring with jewels shaped in the letter P....
** [[w:Peggy Lipton|Peggy Lipton]], as noted in the book All the King̪s women

* i) Elvis? Thank God for the goodness and the glory! I knew Elvis could do today what he's doing cos he's real. He's a champion who's has lived and kept the title, he's for real. Elvis is a southern child that is down to earth, he's beautiful just beautiful. I saw him, not too long ago, when I was singing I can't stop loving you on the stage, and I heard someone yelling and clapping, and I looked and I saw Elvis waving to me. He is true, a real pioneer ii) Like, see, when Elvis came out a lot of black groups would say, &quot;Elvis cannot do so and so and so, shoo shoo shoo&quot; And I'd say, &quot;Shut up, shut up.&quot; Let me tell you this—when I came out they wasn't playing no black artists on no Top 40 stations, I was the first to get played on the Top 40 stations—but it took people like Elvis to open the door for this kind of music, and I thank God for Elvis Presley. I thank the Lord for sending Elvis to open that door so I could walk down the road, you understand?. iii) he was God given, an integrator, a blessing, they would not let black music through, a Messiah comes every thousand years and he was it this time. iv) Elvis was a good friend. One of the sweetest gentleman, and a good singer, ESPECIALLY with gospel.
** [[Little Richard]], i) NME 10-13 June 1969, referring to his engagement at the Aladdin in Las Vegas ii) in an interview with RollingStone's David Dalton, published in that magazine on May 28, 1970 iii) as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html iiv) a nod from one gospel and soul singer to another, particularly as many rock and roll, R&amp;B and soul singers from that era came from the church, from a 2010 jazz wax interview.

* I was 10 years old and  riding my bicycle  at the Paramount studios during the early years of &quot;My three sons&quot;, when suddently  I came over a huge Cadillac. I was looking at it in awe, and Elvis came from behind me and offered me to take a ride inside the lot. My dad had told me to never take a ride with strangers but  Elvis was no stranger to 60, even 100 million people in America, so I agreed. Anyways, I was amazed that he had a TV in a car.  It  was awesome to watch Popeye cartoons with him...
** {{w|Barry Livingston}}, in the Archives of Television clip

* He closes with a song called &quot;If I Can Dream,&quot; a late contribution from vocal arranger Walter Earl Brown -- a plea for peace and understanding that in the murderous year of 1968 had a timely urgency --; dressed all in white, planted before his name in lights forty feet high, he folds his body into the song as if in pain, a pain he means to kill with hope; it is as raw and real as any performance I've ever seen, the beginning of the last phase of Presley's career and, if much of what followed look like decline, it was also an apotheosis; he had only nine years to live.
** Robert Lloyd, staff writer for the Los Angeles Times in his article entitled &quot;The night Elvis reclaimed his crown&quot;, published on March 11, 2008, on the eve of the 40th Anniversary of his 1968 TV Special, and its special screening at Los Angeles' high Cinerama Dome.

* Elvis Presley. He was just the complete package. It's sort of the original.
** Josh Lloyd-Watson, founder of the UK band [[w:Jungle (band)|Jungle]], answering, on October 1, 2018, the question posed by Steve Baltin of [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine, as to who is the greatest lead singer ever.

* Elvis performed one of my songs but sadly he recorded it and that was the last thing he did. Therefore I killed him.”
** {{w|Andrew Lloyd Webber}}, in reference to &quot;It's easy for you&quot; being the last song recorded by Elvis, in an interview on the Graham Norton Show

*It's what Elvis Presley used to tell his fans every night. We might have played this song 2,000 times but there's a bunch of people out there who have never heard it played live.
** {{w|Dennis Locorriere}}, former lead vocalist and guitarist of Dr. Hook &amp; the Medicine Show, explaining why he always plays his hits during concerts, in an article published by the Warrington Guardian on 25 September 2017.

* He was the Neil Armstrong, the Edmund Hillary, the Elvis Presley of his sport. Sir Roger Bannister transcended athletics. He did...
** [[w:Gabby Logan|Gabby Logan]], the BBCTV Sports presenter and former Welsh_gymnast's laud of Sir [[w:Roger Bannister|Roger Bannister]],the first athlete to ever run the mile in under 4 minutes, as discussed during the BBC's coverage of the World Indoor Championships on the day of his death, March 3, 2018

* All right, all right, '''Elvis has left the building.''' I've told you absolutely straight up to this point. You know that. He has left the building. He left the stage and went out the back with the policemen and he is now gone from the building.
** Music promoter Horace Logan, after Elvis's performance in Shreveport, Louisiana on December 15, 1956

* I had two big brothers. One was into rockabilly and the other into R&amp;B. And the latter was the one who turned me onto everything from James Brown and Little Richard on through Aretha. And so I had this, what I call two ‘cradle’ languages and they somehow — I've spent my whole career trying to find that middle ground where I could blend the two. Now, being the first kid in my family to arrive home after school, I found myself in the position to raid my rockabilly brother's record collection, so I would always play ‘Hound Dog’, over and over and over again. And I had no visual to put with that. At age 8, I didn't know who Elvis Presley was, but the music was amazing. And it was all about fun, you know?
**[[w:Kenny Loggins|Kenny Loggins]], discussing his early influences, in an interview with Parade published on August 30, 2018.

*I've had offers to write a book about Elvis, but you know, they really didn't want to publish the stories I had to tell. They only wanted the dirt – the scandal. I never saw him use drugs and I never saw him being mean to people. He had problems, everybody does, but he was a sweet guy – real religious, and he was patriotic, he really loved America. The publishers said nobody wants to read about that stuff. I just couldn't be a part of another book trashing him, he was a real good guy and he was always nice to me.—
** Drummer [[w:Larrie Londin|Larrie Londin]], who played drums for Elvis several times during 1975 and 1976, as well as in his last 2 concerts. After Elvis' death, he also played in the Guitar Man 1981 sessions, from an interview by James Byron Fox, in 1991.

* He's a multi-genre artist. You can't put him in one bracket. And, why should you? He plays guitar. He also does hip-hop music by rapping and singing. Why should we have to put his music in a box? We all want something different. We all want something new. He is, to me, the all-around artist of today. We're looking at the modern-day Elvis.
** [[w:Dre London|Dre London]], manager of, and speaking about [[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]], in an interview with Billboard, published on 8 December 2007.

* A study of 2,000 UK normies has revealed the top artists which make them feel happy. Ranked at #4 is Elvis Presley regarded as one of the most iconic and influential icons of the 20th century, with songs such as &quot;Hound Dog&quot; and &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; leading a staggering 600 million records in sales worldwide.
** {{w|The London Economic}}'s laud of Elvis Presley as one of the top ten entertainers, and the top amongst those are non-UK nationals, who make the their public the most happy, as published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I'd had it in my head to be a pop star for some years before the loose idea of forming a band first bubbled up inside me. The trigger was going to see Jailhouse Rock at The Scotia cinema in 1958. I was 10-years-old and Elvis knocked me sideways and awakened all sorts of feelings inside.
** [[w:Alan Longmuir|Alan Lomgmuir]] Scottish musician and founding member of the band &quot;Bay City Rollers&quot;, in his autobiography I Ran With The Gang: My Life In and Out of The Bay City Rollers

* I taught him some lyrics in Spanish and he learned them. I wrote it for him the way it was sung (phonetically). He was very talented. It was very difficult Mexican music.
** Manny Lopez, RCA vibraphone recording artist known as the &quot;King of the Cha Cha&quot;, explaining how, under his tutelage, Elvis sang the Mexican standard, &quot;Guadalajara&quot;, (1963) in Spanish, like an authentic Mariachi, as published in Las Vegas' &quot;The Desert Sun&quot;, on March 16, 2007

* Elvis Presley this rare, talented, magnificent, generous and yet lonely man.A generosity that no celebrity could have. Giving for him was natural, but for those who received it was too much. Alone as few reach such dizzying heights. A prisoner of fame and fortune and a self-taught legend that surrounds him, but during those few brief years – especially during the times when Elvis, me and Marie were together – where we were able to share the special space reserved for the popular . Inside, together, none of us were alone.
** Actor [[w:Jack Lord|Jack Lord]], as noted in JL talks about Elvis, by Naomal de Si8lva

* I bet you wish they would stop screaming...
** Actress [[w:Sophia Loren|Sophia Loren]] telling Elvis she understood what fame brought in terms of fan's reactions, as recounted by photographer Bob Willoughby, present during their adhoc meeting at the Paramount Pictures Commissary and as published in the London newspaper 'The People' in 1994.

* Since the awards are all about history, I put together a few facts from the past that range from visits from famous political people such as President Kennedy and Winston Churchill to the following story about Elvis Presley staying in the hotel. He had ordered a hamburger cooked well-done and loved it so so much he went to the kitchen, found the cook and announced with a broad grin: “I just wanted to thank the person that made the best burger I have ever had.
** Bob Louis, Director of sales and marketing at Cincinnati Netherland Plaza Hotel, a finalist for the elite hotel national award, in an article by Brent Coleman, a WCPO contributor and published on November 2, 2016.

* i) The other recording session I always think of was Elvis. Not in my wildest dreams — I mean, it was like how is this little girl singing background for Elvis Presley? How do things like that happen? The stars lined up, everything was in order, and Elvis fell in love with me because of my gospel background. Whenever he would get a chance he would go to me, 'Do you know this song? Come on, let’s go sing it.' Gospel music was the closeness that we had. &quot;If I Can Dream&quot; is my all-time favorite Elvis song. It was a big record, but not as big as it could have been. It was one of those records where you'd think it sold 10 billion copies, but it didn't. I did that song in my show a couple of times, but it's a really hard song to sing, it really is, the meter is really difficult. You have to really study hard to learn how to sing that song. That's why I don't sing it anymore ii) He did interact with the Blossoms, but it had a lot to do with our gospel. I came from a gospel background and my father was a minister, so I knew a lot of old hymns of the church, and that's what Elvis sang. That's how he interacted with us. Actually, when he got ready to do his 1968 comeback special, we didn't know we were actually going to be in the special because we were just singing in the background. But because of us talking to him all the time, and talking to him about gospel and everything, he told the producers, &quot;No, I want the girls in this. I want them to be singing. He was a gentle giant.
** Actress and singer [[w:Darlene Love|Darlene Love]], i) in an interview for &quot;Vulture&quot;, published in the magazine's online edition on September 23, 2015 in an article entitled &quot;9 Behind-the-Scenes Stories from the Greatest Backup Singer Ever ii) in an interview with the Washington Post, and published on December 16, 2016 iii) Yahoo interview July 19, 2021

* He was in the big room at Western Recorders, and had his cape on at the time (laughs). He was preparing to go back out on tour and he was asking us, “Well, what’s it like?” He was a really kind gentleman, couldn't have been nicer and definitely knew who The Beach Boys were. We saw him play live in Vegas at The Hilton and he was darn good. I mean, what a voice...
** Singer [[w:Mike Love|Mike Love]], of the Beach Boys, recalling the day he met Elvis, as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* i)  Rather than a biopic, I see it as a canvas, hugely ambitious, but I want to cover his whole life, many aspects of which will be truly surprising. I am now listening to a lot of Elvis and his range astounds me, from Country and Western to rock, to soul and pop. That's probably the most misunderstood thing about him as a vocal artist. There was nothing he couldn't sing.ii) When I look at musical biography, it’s not really about the life, I’m not about lionising Elvis. I just saw him as the best canvas on which to explore America in the modern age, the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s.” The engine of that drama, he says, is the relationship between an artist who spanned genres, eras and races, and the P.T. Barnum character of Colonel Tom Parker, the former circus carny who made and then ruined him.I saw this story of the Colonel and Elvis as a really great prism through which to explore the latter part of the 20th century. Elvis represents what happens when a kid lives in one of four designated white houses in a black community. Something new comes about, a fusion between country and African-American music, gospel and country-and-western music.
** Director [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]], i) commenting in his screen biography of Elvis, as noted in VM Magazine's September 1, 2019, edition and in a USA Today interview published on december 24, 2019.ii) from an article entitled &quot;How Baz Luhrmann aims to make Australia the new Hollywood&quot;, as published on the Finantial re4view's Auhust 19, 2021 edition.

* As an artist, he always personified total unrestrain..
** Singer [[w:Luis Miguel|Luis Miguel]], Mexican singing superstar, a huge Elvis fan, as noted in page 195 of the book &quot;The rituals of chaos&quot;.

* This cat came out in red pants and a green coat and a pink shirt and socks, and he had this sneer on his face. He stood behind the mic for five minutes, I'll bet, before he made a move. Then he hit his guitar, a lick, and he broke two strings.So there he was, these two strings dangling, and he hasn't done anything except break the strings yet, and these high school girls were screaming and fainting and running up to the stage. Then he started to move his hips real slow, like he had a thing for his guitar.For the next nine days, he played one-nighters around Kilgore, and after school every day, me and my girl would get in the car and go wherever he was playing that night, in Gladewater, Alpine, Gonzales, and Lubbock, were other country singers witnessed the spectacle and heeded his call – Roy Orbison, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings. That was the last time I tried to sing like Webb Pierce or Lefty Frizzell.
** Singer [[w:Bob Luman|Bob Luman]] as told to journalist Paul Hemphill in 1969

* There's a speech in the play about a mythical bird that has no legs and can, therefore, never come to rest and just hovers in the sky until it does because there is no place to land. It evoked such a memory of what I felt when I watched Presley at work: something otherworldly, inhuman (not unhuman), a kind of restless spirit that could never rest anywhere. And I thought how extraordinary it might have been to hear that speech from someone exactly like that but totally unaware of his own separation from the rest of us'.
** Director {{w|Sidney Lumet}} as told to Elaine Dundy, author of &quot;Elvis And Gladys&quot; and in reference to his wish to have cast Elvis (whom he saw perform live in 1955) and not Marlon Brando in the lead role of &quot;The Fugitive Kind&quot;, his adaptation of Tennessee Williams' play &quot;Orpheus Descending&quot;

* During my long career in broadcasting, I've had the chance to interview lots of famous people; it was late summer in 1976 when I was sent out to the Arena to cover some sort of special announcement from manager Bob Kunkel, whose look, as soon as we entered the room, told us that this was no hunting and fishing extravaganza he was promoting but an Elvis Presley concert; before leaving, I cornered him to ask about helping arrange an exclusive interview; he laughed and said, 'Good luck with that'; so, instead, I managed to get six tickets, at 15 dollars each, with each of our daughters having to come up with five bucks each, on their own, to help cover the cost; the show itself was memorable for the music, and his voice was strong but he looked tired and not well. A few months later, Elvis was back; this time, his voice was even stronger but he looked worse; two months later, he was dead and that's when my family and I went to see him, one last time, in a memorable trip where we and thousands of others, walked slowly through those gates to view his grave. That 'show' was for free...
** Doug Lund, Director of KELO/TV, in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, recalling his sad, albeit memorable experience of not being able to interview Elvis twice, and his attending his funeral, all in a period of less than nine months, as published on 23 March, 2007 in KELOLAND.COM

* Whereas, Elvis Aaron Presley was born on this day in 1935 to Gladys Love and Vernon Elvis Presley in Tupelo, Mississippi and whereas Elvis' unparalleled style and song craft continues to thrill audiences, create fans and inspire new generations of musicians around the world every year we do hereby proclaim Jan. 8, 2018, as the day to celebrate the life, the work and the 83rd birthday of Elvis Aaron Presley. Thus we urge all citizens of the world to recognize the contributions of our own King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis Aaron Presley, to music, this community and the world,”
** Shelby County Mayor [[w:Mark Luttrell|Mark Luttrell]]'s proclamation, as delivered at the grounds of Graceland on January 8, 2018.

* Elvis and  I  were  working class kid possessed of strange charisma, an extraordinary sense of style and a talent for articulating an individual voice from unheard segments of society. Each used these gifts to change the path of pop music. I love Memphis. I'm in and out of Memphis all the time. I became almost a resident at The Peabody hotel, because I love it so much. And then you've got Lansky's, Elvis' tailor. I've always been madly, wildly attracted to his  style. He's one of the classiest dressers I've ever known.
** [[w:John Lydon|John Lydon]], known also by his stage name with the Sex Pistols (Johny Rotten) in his 1995 memoirs, &quot;No Dogs, No Blacks, No Irish&quot; as well as in a  2015 interview with Memphis' Commercial Appeal:

* Elvis did the Comeback Special in '68. He was falling in the ratings and it brought him right back onto the throne and, when you watch him sing – and &quot;Baby, what do you want me to do&quot; in particular, which is a cover of an R&amp;B song by Jimmy Reed, Elvis makes it his own – you see this music is HIM, he's got every inflection, every feeling 100 per cent out there for all to see, it's so thrilling to watch, it's infectious. With singers and musicians, there's the surface of something and then real deep levels of being IT, and nobody gets close to Elvis because he gets that thing at the deepest level and it comes alive with him and everybody feels it, and it's like magic. He looked so great in his black leather, but even if he looked weird he'd still be King. Elvis is the total package, he was born for it.&quot;
** Director [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]], who voted the 1968 Comeback Special as his number one musical performance of all time, as published in EIN´WWW page.

* As elusive as his book is, what is perceived as truth has remarkable staying power. Lynch uses an epigraph by Elvis Presley from whence comes the title of the book: “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.” The Janus-faced nature of the book is put into relief by setting it against the journalist's craft, a juxtaposition that permeates the story. At the end, even we the readers don't know the whole truth about the main character, Roger, but we also have learned that it is perceptions and innuendos that matter more anyway.
** About writer [[w:Jim Lynch (writer)|Jim Lynch]]'s novel ̊Truth like the Sun̠&quot;̊, as reviewed in rhapsodyinbookswordpresscom, on 15 April 2012

* After playing the ukulele I told my mother I wanted a solid body guitar, because I would then be able to sing Elvis. I really liked his songs, was determined to play guitar, and ended up recording “Don’t Be Cruel”, In fact, in grade schools they started calling me Elvis Presley, the black Elvis, - they said I was trying to wear my hair like Elvis. Then I formed an all an all girls band, Bobby Lynn and the Idols.
** {{w|Barbara Lynn}}, R&amp;B singer songwriter and left handed guitar player, in an interview for New Orleans public Radio, as published on November 11, 2016.

* Certainly the most recognisable and ubiquitous semiotic marker in American cultural history, he embodies the quintessence of the postmodern condition.
** {{w|Jean-Francois Lyotard}}, French philosopher, as noted in the Journal of Literary Studies Volume 26, 2010 – Issue 2.

== See also ==
* [[Elvis Presley]]
* [[Quotes about Elvis Presley (M–Z)]]

[[Category:Rock and roll]]
[[Category:Pop music]]
[[Category:Rockabilly]]
[[Category:Country music]]
[[Category:Soul music]]
[[Category:Rhythm and blues]]
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      <text bytes="16799" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Art Young|Arthur Henry Young]]''' (January 14, 1866 – December 29, 1943) was an American political cartoonist.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;


=== ''Art Young: His Life and Times'' (1939)===
* Of course clergymen and other paid teachers and moralists admonished us to be upright and unselfish, and for people with good incomes it was easy to condemn those living on the edge of poverty as inferior, impractical, shiftless, and lacking respect for the social code. It was easy to shout thief at the other fellow when you had no temptation to steal-I mean steal in a petty way. But stealing in a big way was often accepted as good business judgment.

*I found that life was a continual struggle for most of us-and this on a plane not much above that of the struggle of wild animals-and that society dismissed this obvious truth as a negligible factor in determining human conduct as well as our mental and physical well-being. I began to see that this economic battle persisted even in the midst of an exhaustless plenty, and that most humans lived and died trying to succeed in a material sense, in short, to reach the goal of a triumphant animalism.

*Every one of us is born with some kind of talent. In early manhood or womanhood each individual begins to see a path, though perhaps dimly, that beckons to him or her. All of us have this leaning toward, or desire for doing ably, a certain kind of work, and only want an opportunity to prove our capacity in that direction. These hunches, these signs of one's natural trend, are usually right, and are not to be thrust aside without regret in later life. I am antagonistic to the money-making fetish because it sidetracks our natural selves, leaving us no alternative but to accept the situation and take any kind of work for a weekly wage. We are expected to &quot;make good,&quot; which is another way of saying make money. Therefore we do things for which we have no real understanding and often no liking, without thought as to whether it is best for us, and soon or late find that living has become drab and empty.

*So most of us pray not for riches, but for just enough to assure our living in normal comfort and perhaps a little extra for funeral expenses at the end.

*I do not think of myself as having arrived at any degree of achievement commensurate with my potential talent and capacity for work. I am just one among the many who have tried to approximate some measure of integrity in a world that is a sorry bewilderment of wretchedness and affluence.

*During the last four decades of his life-journey, as this chronicle has revealed, it became more and more evident that there was one wrong, one thing over all, standing in the way of honest and contented living the unjust treatment of those who produce the wealth of the world by those who own most of that wealth; and that the continual fight between the moneyed interests and the working people (including artists) was the vital problem of our time. Now, during these recurring and ever-increasing conflicts, is it not obvious that we have to take sides? I think it has come to that, for all of us.

*I do believe that man is destined to be released for a more ennobling life

*the change is at hand-the old order is cracking. It has been said that 'the cure for democracy is more democracy'

*I can see no hope for humanity so long as one's right to live depends upon one's ability to pay the cost of living imposed by those who exploit our daily needs. I think I know human nature well enough to know that the average individual works better when encouraged and praised, and does his worst when humiliated and looked upon as a slave. Some kind of congenial work is necessary to contentment. From the small boy tinkering with the construction of a toy to the old lady knitting, with no thought in their minds of cash payment-we see the desire of human beings to be doing something with their minds and hands. If the continual pressure for monetary gain whenever we render any kind of service were removed, I believe people would enjoy working for the common good. This is demonstrated over and over again in time of floods and other disasters when the call to communal welfare is the only incentive. 

*The horror of unemployment is the final undoing of the worker. When he sees this confronting him he sells himself regardless of the intrinsic worth of his ability. Labor unions and collective bargaining arose to give him some show of power and dignity.

*Individual development depends upon mass-solution of the economic problems of everyday living. The inventors, thinkers, and the common man have made this world ripe for healthful leisure, and have created far more than enough goods for all. But through all this progress the business man has assumed the right to the lion's share while those who did the creating and hard work were compelled to fight for whatever they could get-or starve.

*the big war of 1914-1918 was not my war. It was plainly not a war for democracy but for plutocracy; not for peace but for plunder, and to make our country military-minded. It was capitalism's war-not mine.

*With more and more governments, however crude and experimental, dedicated to industrial democracy and universal brotherhood, the era of peace and joy in living will come on earth.

*we got a hint of how the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Espionage_Act_of_1917| Espionage Act]] would be used as a club against people with anti-war beliefs

*Most of us who were cooperatively bringing out [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Masses| the Masses]] were agreed upon that. Some channel of protest must be safeguarded for those who had not been stampeded into dumb obeisance to the world's war-makers.

*Slacker had come into the language as a term of frequent use. Bundles of Hearst newspapers had been burned in Times Square because Hearst was slow in swinging to the Allied cause but in a few weeks he had swung, and American flags were printed all over his daily sheets. So-called pro-Germans were being tarred and feathered by mobs in the West. Frank Little of the I.W.W. executive board had been lynched by business men in Butte, Montana. And new and appalling tales of cruelty to conscientious objectors were coming out of the prisons where they were confined.

*In my youth I hoped for no higher status in life than to be among those who would follow in the wake of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Nast| Thomas Nast]], [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Keppler| Joseph Keppler]], and Bernard Gillam, outstanding artists in the field of political caricature. And when in my early twenties I grew familiar with the political and social satires of the graphic artists of England and France across two centuries, these gave even greater stimulus to my ambition. Dreamily I anticipated that my destiny was to succeed as a caricaturist of some influence in public affairs.

*Sometimes a prosperous individual will say to me: &quot;Any man can succeed in his ambition if he really wants to. Take you, for instance. Haven't you accomplished what you wanted to do?&quot; And I answer: &quot;Yes&quot; Then I have a repentant feeling for saying that because &quot;No&quot; would be quite as correct. I tell him that &quot;Yes&quot; is only one small word of a full, honest answer: only a little part of the whole truth. I point out that I was compelled to waste about half of my life scheming and worrying over the problem of making enough money to keep going, while attempting at the same time to put aside some of it for lean years and old age, like a dog hiding a bone. This exercise of my acquisitive sense, this trying to mix business with creative ability-though it did not strangle my talent-might have done so except for fortuitous circumstances, kind and encouraging parents, limited competition, and an instinct which told me it ought not to be strangled if I could possibly help it. Or perhaps a little bird singing in a tree-top just for joy helped to give me the hint. Finally I achieved a kind of success.

*Material considerations thwarted me at every turn. It was my money-earning ability that determined my right to exist, and I got through in a way-but what a way! Having spent so much of my time maneuvering to make enough cash with which to live decently, I count most of that effort a hindrance to my development, both as a man and as an artist. Instinctively most men are proud to be able to provide for themselves and their dependents, and I was no exception to the rule. That duty I accepted willingly. Still it seemed to me unworthy of any one to make that the main reason for living.

*It took me a long time to understand why so much that surrounded me was too ugly to tolerate without protest. But eventually I learned the reason. I saw that the conduct of my fellow-men could not be otherwise than disappointing, in fact parasitical and corrupt, and that most of our troubles emanated from a cause which manifestly would grow worse so long as we put up with it. That cause was Capitalism. Man's natural self-interest. become perverted and ruthless! The motivating principle of business (though not openly confessed), when summed up, meant: &quot;Get yours; never mind the other fellow.&quot; I saw, too, that our law-makers and judges of the meaning of the law put property rights first and left human rights to shift for themselves.

*I was in deadly earnest about developing my talent, and carousing had no lure for me. I applied myself assiduously to the work in hand, and as I proceeded I became more and more convinced that graphic art was my road to recognition. Painting interested me no less, but I thought of it as having no influence. If one painted a portrait, or a landscape, or whatever, for a rich man to own in his private gallery, what was the use? On the other hand, a cartoon could be reproduced by simple mechanical processes and easily made accessible to hundreds of thousands. I wanted a large audience. . . The prevailing art of that period embraced a thorough, almost photographic, lens-like observance of detail. Gerome, Messonier, Cabanel, Vibert, and Bougeaureau were in the forefront of the artworld then, because they were accurate, precise draftsmen.

*I whistled a great deal in those days

*To escape from such thoughts I would go back to my drawing board and plunge into the making of pictures. And now I found a new means of escape-lectures and libraries. Both enabled me to get away for a little while from my discontented thoughts because of loss of freedom through wedlock. Lately I realized anew that my education was inadequate. So many questions came up that I couldn't answer, and I needed to fortify myself with such answers. By listening to the lectures and reading a wide variety of books I nursed the seed which had been planted in my mind by [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keir_Hardie| Keir Hardie's]] speech in Denver, and by Myron Reed's discussions of the human struggle there.

*Speakers for the Social Democratic party provided me with much food for thought. They attacked the whole capitalistic system, showed how its different units combined to exploit the producing masses to the nth degree, and how the distorted or suppressed news to protect this system, of which it was a part. Being loyal to the press, my first reaction to this denunciation was one of resentment, though I had to concede that some of the charges were true.

*It must have been about this time that I first heard [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_V._Debs| Eugene Debs]] speak. He was facing an audience which packed the Academy of Music. On that same stage Henry Ward Beecher had stood and upheld the cause of the Democratic party in a tense campaign. I had been greatly interested in seeing Debs, for I had read and been told much about him-of his fearless leadership in the railroad strike of 1894, his term in jail as a consequence, and his fighting spirit. But I was disappointed that night-not by what he said, but by his manner. I thought him too much like a school-boy elocutionist. In after years, however, I attended several mass-meetings at which Debs was the main speaker, and he who had once been amateurish had become a real tribune of the people and a master of chastisement of the profit pharisees. No question about it an inspiring man because he was himself inspired. He was emotional, and used the logic of understanding born of long experience with workers. When one heard him voice a natural sympathy for the enslaved, one felt that here was a champion who would go to the stake rather than sacrifice his own beliefs.

*Listening to lectures on the class struggle (after I discovered that such a struggle had been going on for ages), I found that I had a great deal in common with the everyday workers. In other years I had felt that as a newspaper artist I was a member of a profession which enjoyed important privileges and in which a man might possibly rise to fame and fortune. But I saw now that everyone who did productive work of any kind was at the mercy of those who employed him. They could make or break him whenever they so willed...I was living in a world morally and spiritually diseased, and I was learning some of the reasons why.

*Perhaps no editor has been so guilty of stirring up the baser passions of human beings as [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Randolph_Hearst |Hearst]]. Often in his early years as an editor and publisher, he did some political arousings on the side of the workers. It helped him get circulation. Gradually, however, he evolved a policy which prevailed over all liberal doctrines that he might advocate-devoting his publications to the will of the big moneyed interests to have and to retain everything that they possessed and to insure their hopes of getting more through their 'superior intelligence'

*And with this feeling, I poised in my mind some other questions as to the soundness of beliefs I had long held, based upon copy-book maxims drilled into one generation of American children after another: &quot;Merit wins...Survival of the fittest...You can't change human nature...The best people...The poor you have with you always...and the whole long line of rubber-stamp moral precepts. What were these but glittering emblems set up by the moneyed class to serve its own purposes? Born bourgeois, my brain had been filled from infancy with the nonsense of super-patriotism, with the lily-white virtues of imperialism added in due time. I had harbored these false values because I didn't know any better. I had been a drifter, innocent and sheep-minded long enough.

*Now that I was awakening to the realities of the economic struggle, I realized that I could no longer conscientiously deal with certain subjects in the way that editors wanted them handled. I had ideas for pictorial attacks on institutions hooked up with the money power, but there was no sale for these. The few papers which dared strike at the system were small, and had no money to pay for my product. And I had to live and support a family.

*Where was I headed? I didn't quite know. I had talent, facility, and a desire to produce-but steadily my market was diminishing. I fell back on illustrated jokes, and even here struck a snag. Tramps were no longer so funny to me as they had been. And my attitude toward the farmer had changed-I no longer wanted to depict him as a mere comic character. His life was all too often bound up with tragedy. The Populists had been right in many of the things they had said about the farmer's plight.

*Rough going had been encountered by the Masses in its efforts to remain a medium for free interpretation in a time of hysteria. Because of its pitiless reporting in trying to reveal true causes, its lack of respect for commercialized religion, and its attacks on sex taboos in art and literature, the magazine had earlier been barred from the reading rooms of many libraries, ousted from the subway and elevated news stands in New York, and refused by distributing companies of Boston and Philadelphia; and our right to use the mails in Canada had been revoked by the Dominion government

*For three months after the United States declared war on Germany the Masses kept on assailing the jingoists, the profiteers, and the capitalists who caused the beating and deportation of strikers, the Post Office censorship, and other evils which had been loosed in the campaign to silence all critics of the war administration.


== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
[http://www.cartooningcapitalism.com/artyoung Cartooning Capitalism: Art Young]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Young, Art}}
[[Category:Cartoonists from the United States]]
[[Category:Socialists from the United States]]
[[Category:1866 births]]
[[Category:1943 deaths]]</text>
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      <text bytes="30447" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Art Young|Arthur Henry Young]]''' (January 14, 1866 – December 29, 1943) was an American political cartoonist.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;


=== ''Art Young: His Life and Times'' (1939)===
* Of course clergymen and other paid teachers and moralists admonished us to be upright and unselfish, and for people with good incomes it was easy to condemn those living on the edge of poverty as inferior, impractical, shiftless, and lacking respect for the social code. It was easy to shout thief at the other fellow when you had no temptation to steal-I mean steal in a petty way. But stealing in a big way was often accepted as good business judgment.

*I found that life was a continual struggle for most of us-and this on a plane not much above that of the struggle of wild animals-and that society dismissed this obvious truth as a negligible factor in determining human conduct as well as our mental and physical well-being. I began to see that this economic battle persisted even in the midst of an exhaustless plenty, and that most humans lived and died trying to succeed in a material sense, in short, to reach the goal of a triumphant animalism.

*Every one of us is born with some kind of talent. In early manhood or womanhood each individual begins to see a path, though perhaps dimly, that beckons to him or her. All of us have this leaning toward, or desire for doing ably, a certain kind of work, and only want an opportunity to prove our capacity in that direction. These hunches, these signs of one's natural trend, are usually right, and are not to be thrust aside without regret in later life. I am antagonistic to the money-making fetish because it sidetracks our natural selves, leaving us no alternative but to accept the situation and take any kind of work for a weekly wage. We are expected to &quot;make good,&quot; which is another way of saying make money. Therefore we do things for which we have no real understanding and often no liking, without thought as to whether it is best for us, and soon or late find that living has become drab and empty.

*So most of us pray not for riches, but for just enough to assure our living in normal comfort and perhaps a little extra for funeral expenses at the end.

*I do not think of myself as having arrived at any degree of achievement commensurate with my potential talent and capacity for work. I am just one among the many who have tried to approximate some measure of integrity in a world that is a sorry bewilderment of wretchedness and affluence.

*During the last four decades of his life-journey, as this chronicle has revealed, it became more and more evident that there was one wrong, one thing over all, standing in the way of honest and contented living the unjust treatment of those who produce the wealth of the world by those who own most of that wealth; and that the continual fight between the moneyed interests and the working people (including artists) was the vital problem of our time. Now, during these recurring and ever-increasing conflicts, is it not obvious that we have to take sides? I think it has come to that, for all of us.

*I do believe that man is destined to be released for a more ennobling life

*the change is at hand-the old order is cracking. It has been said that 'the cure for democracy is more democracy'

*I can see no hope for humanity so long as one's right to live depends upon one's ability to pay the cost of living imposed by those who exploit our daily needs. I think I know human nature well enough to know that the average individual works better when encouraged and praised, and does his worst when humiliated and looked upon as a slave. Some kind of congenial work is necessary to contentment. From the small boy tinkering with the construction of a toy to the old lady knitting, with no thought in their minds of cash payment-we see the desire of human beings to be doing something with their minds and hands. If the continual pressure for monetary gain whenever we render any kind of service were removed, I believe people would enjoy working for the common good. This is demonstrated over and over again in time of floods and other disasters when the call to communal welfare is the only incentive. 

*The horror of unemployment is the final undoing of the worker. When he sees this confronting him he sells himself regardless of the intrinsic worth of his ability. Labor unions and collective bargaining arose to give him some show of power and dignity.

*Individual development depends upon mass-solution of the economic problems of everyday living. The inventors, thinkers, and the common man have made this world ripe for healthful leisure, and have created far more than enough goods for all. But through all this progress the business man has assumed the right to the lion's share while those who did the creating and hard work were compelled to fight for whatever they could get-or starve.

*the big war of 1914-1918 was not my war. It was plainly not a war for democracy but for plutocracy; not for peace but for plunder, and to make our country military-minded. It was capitalism's war-not mine.

*With more and more governments, however crude and experimental, dedicated to industrial democracy and universal brotherhood, the era of peace and joy in living will come on earth.

*we got a hint of how the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Espionage_Act_of_1917| Espionage Act]] would be used as a club against people with anti-war beliefs

*Most of us who were cooperatively bringing out [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Masses| the Masses]] were agreed upon that. Some channel of protest must be safeguarded for those who had not been stampeded into dumb obeisance to the world's war-makers.

*Slacker had come into the language as a term of frequent use. Bundles of Hearst newspapers had been burned in Times Square because Hearst was slow in swinging to the Allied cause but in a few weeks he had swung, and American flags were printed all over his daily sheets. So-called pro-Germans were being tarred and feathered by mobs in the West. Frank Little of the I.W.W. executive board had been lynched by business men in Butte, Montana. And new and appalling tales of cruelty to conscientious objectors were coming out of the prisons where they were confined.

*In my youth I hoped for no higher status in life than to be among those who would follow in the wake of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Nast| Thomas Nast]], [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Keppler| Joseph Keppler]], and Bernard Gillam, outstanding artists in the field of political caricature. And when in my early twenties I grew familiar with the political and social satires of the graphic artists of England and France across two centuries, these gave even greater stimulus to my ambition. Dreamily I anticipated that my destiny was to succeed as a caricaturist of some influence in public affairs.

*Sometimes a prosperous individual will say to me: &quot;Any man can succeed in his ambition if he really wants to. Take you, for instance. Haven't you accomplished what you wanted to do?&quot; And I answer: &quot;Yes&quot; Then I have a repentant feeling for saying that because &quot;No&quot; would be quite as correct. I tell him that &quot;Yes&quot; is only one small word of a full, honest answer: only a little part of the whole truth. I point out that I was compelled to waste about half of my life scheming and worrying over the problem of making enough money to keep going, while attempting at the same time to put aside some of it for lean years and old age, like a dog hiding a bone. This exercise of my acquisitive sense, this trying to mix business with creative ability-though it did not strangle my talent-might have done so except for fortuitous circumstances, kind and encouraging parents, limited competition, and an instinct which told me it ought not to be strangled if I could possibly help it. Or perhaps a little bird singing in a tree-top just for joy helped to give me the hint. Finally I achieved a kind of success.

*Material considerations thwarted me at every turn. It was my money-earning ability that determined my right to exist, and I got through in a way-but what a way! Having spent so much of my time maneuvering to make enough cash with which to live decently, I count most of that effort a hindrance to my development, both as a man and as an artist. Instinctively most men are proud to be able to provide for themselves and their dependents, and I was no exception to the rule. That duty I accepted willingly. Still it seemed to me unworthy of any one to make that the main reason for living.

*It took me a long time to understand why so much that surrounded me was too ugly to tolerate without protest. But eventually I learned the reason. I saw that the conduct of my fellow-men could not be otherwise than disappointing, in fact parasitical and corrupt, and that most of our troubles emanated from a cause which manifestly would grow worse so long as we put up with it. That cause was Capitalism. Man's natural self-interest. become perverted and ruthless! The motivating principle of business (though not openly confessed), when summed up, meant: &quot;Get yours; never mind the other fellow.&quot; I saw, too, that our law-makers and judges of the meaning of the law put property rights first and left human rights to shift for themselves.

*I was in deadly earnest about developing my talent, and carousing had no lure for me. I applied myself assiduously to the work in hand, and as I proceeded I became more and more convinced that graphic art was my road to recognition. Painting interested me no less, but I thought of it as having no influence. If one painted a portrait, or a landscape, or whatever, for a rich man to own in his private gallery, what was the use? On the other hand, a cartoon could be reproduced by simple mechanical processes and easily made accessible to hundreds of thousands. I wanted a large audience. . . The prevailing art of that period embraced a thorough, almost photographic, lens-like observance of detail. Gerome, Messonier, Cabanel, Vibert, and Bougeaureau were in the forefront of the artworld then, because they were accurate, precise draftsmen.

*I whistled a great deal in those days

*To escape from such thoughts I would go back to my drawing board and plunge into the making of pictures. And now I found a new means of escape-lectures and libraries. Both enabled me to get away for a little while from my discontented thoughts because of loss of freedom through wedlock. Lately I realized anew that my education was inadequate. So many questions came up that I couldn't answer, and I needed to fortify myself with such answers. By listening to the lectures and reading a wide variety of books I nursed the seed which had been planted in my mind by [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keir_Hardie| Keir Hardie's]] speech in Denver, and by Myron Reed's discussions of the human struggle there.

*Speakers for the Social Democratic party provided me with much food for thought. They attacked the whole capitalistic system, showed how its different units combined to exploit the producing masses to the nth degree, and how the distorted or suppressed news to protect this system, of which it was a part. Being loyal to the press, my first reaction to this denunciation was one of resentment, though I had to concede that some of the charges were true.

*It must have been about this time that I first heard [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugene_V._Debs| Eugene Debs]] speak. He was facing an audience which packed the Academy of Music. On that same stage Henry Ward Beecher had stood and upheld the cause of the Democratic party in a tense campaign. I had been greatly interested in seeing Debs, for I had read and been told much about him-of his fearless leadership in the railroad strike of 1894, his term in jail as a consequence, and his fighting spirit. But I was disappointed that night-not by what he said, but by his manner. I thought him too much like a school-boy elocutionist. In after years, however, I attended several mass-meetings at which Debs was the main speaker, and he who had once been amateurish had become a real tribune of the people and a master of chastisement of the profit pharisees. No question about it an inspiring man because he was himself inspired. He was emotional, and used the logic of understanding born of long experience with workers. When one heard him voice a natural sympathy for the enslaved, one felt that here was a champion who would go to the stake rather than sacrifice his own beliefs.

*Listening to lectures on the class struggle (after I discovered that such a struggle had been going on for ages), I found that I had a great deal in common with the everyday workers. In other years I had felt that as a newspaper artist I was a member of a profession which enjoyed important privileges and in which a man might possibly rise to fame and fortune. But I saw now that everyone who did productive work of any kind was at the mercy of those who employed him. They could make or break him whenever they so willed...I was living in a world morally and spiritually diseased, and I was learning some of the reasons why.

*Perhaps no editor has been so guilty of stirring up the baser passions of human beings as [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Randolph_Hearst |Hearst]]. Often in his early years as an editor and publisher, he did some political arousings on the side of the workers. It helped him get circulation. Gradually, however, he evolved a policy which prevailed over all liberal doctrines that he might advocate-devoting his publications to the will of the big moneyed interests to have and to retain everything that they possessed and to insure their hopes of getting more through their 'superior intelligence'

*And with this feeling, I poised in my mind some other questions as to the soundness of beliefs I had long held, based upon copy-book maxims drilled into one generation of American children after another: &quot;Merit wins...Survival of the fittest...You can't change human nature...The best people...The poor you have with you always...and the whole long line of rubber-stamp moral precepts. What were these but glittering emblems set up by the moneyed class to serve its own purposes? Born bourgeois, my brain had been filled from infancy with the nonsense of super-patriotism, with the lily-white virtues of imperialism added in due time. I had harbored these false values because I didn't know any better. I had been a drifter, innocent and sheep-minded long enough.

*Now that I was awakening to the realities of the economic struggle, I realized that I could no longer conscientiously deal with certain subjects in the way that editors wanted them handled. I had ideas for pictorial attacks on institutions hooked up with the money power, but there was no sale for these. The few papers which dared strike at the system were small, and had no money to pay for my product. And I had to live and support a family.

*Where was I headed? I didn't quite know. I had talent, facility, and a desire to produce-but steadily my market was diminishing. I fell back on illustrated jokes, and even here struck a snag. Tramps were no longer so funny to me as they had been. And my attitude toward the farmer had changed-I no longer wanted to depict him as a mere comic character. His life was all too often bound up with tragedy. The Populists had been right in many of the things they had said about the farmer's plight.

*Rough going had been encountered by the Masses in its efforts to remain a medium for free interpretation in a time of hysteria. Because of its pitiless reporting in trying to reveal true causes, its lack of respect for commercialized religion, and its attacks on sex taboos in art and literature, the magazine had earlier been barred from the reading rooms of many libraries, ousted from the subway and elevated news stands in New York, and refused by distributing companies of Boston and Philadelphia; and our right to use the mails in Canada had been revoked by the Dominion government

*For three months after the United States declared war on Germany the Masses kept on assailing the jingoists, the profiteers, and the capitalists who caused the beating and deportation of strikers, the Post Office censorship, and other evils which had been loosed in the campaign to silence all critics of the war administration.

*With all my self-consciousness about looks (and it maybe a feminine streak that is said to be in every artist), I have long had a dislike for individuals who judge others by surface aspects, whether it be a matter of clothes regarded as incorrect for the occasion, a spot on a shirt-front, or need of a shave. Keeping up appearances all too often is the concern of persons who have nothing else worth keeping up.

*Novel reading called for wading through too much type. I had no patience for that. The very word &quot;fiction&quot; I abhorred. I wanted truth. Short stories, poems, paragraphs, brief essays, picture books-anything boiled down was more to my liking.

*Dante's Inferno was the first book to give me a real thrill. I thought Doré's drawings in it remarkable, and I became exceedingly curious about his work.

*I had another year to go when I quit (high) school-but I felt I was getting dumber and dumber each term, and that it would be a waste of time to continue.

*A photograph is the surface of something. Of course an artist is concerned with surface appearances, but only as a means of penetrating to the spirit of the thing. Through his own temperament he reveals the way he is impressed as a beholder of the scene. The artist's emotional reactions subject before him, and his obligation to stress its essentials, are the main factors in a work of art.

*A good illustrator may draw from models but knows how to forget them.

*A photograph does not stimulate the imaginative mood as good music, poetry, or painting does. In short, photography is too literal. And yet I would call it one of the greatest inventions of the nineteenth century-because of its usefulness to science and its documentary utility in all the arts. As a pictorial feature of magazines it has been vastly overdone and is tiresome.

*Reading in next morning's papers about the sessions I had attended, however, the case appeared in a much different light than it had in the courtroom. Did the reporters have sharper ears and keener eyes than I? Perhaps so; they were trained in this kind of work while I was new at it. Yet why was one side of the case over-emphasized, and the other subordinated? I know now, but I didn't know then.
**About Haymarket Affair, 1886

*I was to see more of the class struggle in the near future without knowing what it meant. Indeed, at that time, when I was 20 years old, I knew hardly anything except that I had a knack for drawing pictures and was pretty good at reciting selections from books of poetry.

*it is Louis Lingg that I remember best. Perhaps my memory of him is clearest because a ray of sunlight, coming through a little high window, was shining in his cell as I sketched him. Only twenty-two, a pale blond, he had a look of disdain for all. He sat proudly in his chair, facing me with unblinking eyes, and silent.

*Everything I read about the Chicago Anarchists in 1886 and 1887 and nearly everything I heard about them indicated that the accused men were guilty. The news reports of the case in the dailies were quite as biased against the defendants as were the editorials. Few who read the charges that some of them had advocated violence against the police realized that they were driven to that extreme by the wanton clubbing, shooting, and killing of workers by the police in the fight of the big industries against the eight-hour day movement.

*I had brought along some reading matter-Harper's Weekly, the Daily Graphic, Judge, Puck, and Scribner's. As usual I went through their pages more than once-scanning the pictures first, then the text and the advertisements. The quality of the illustrations varied considerably, and they seemed much below the standard of the European draftsmen of the graphic arts-in social satire, political cartoons, and comics.

*I made about ten drawings with a joke comment or dialogue for every one that I finished and sold. Thus I kept exercising my hand and eye.

*That afternoon and evening I walked miles. New York was full of wonders, different from Chicago, brighter, cleaner. The clear sunlight was a startling contrast to the smoky atmosphere of the crude city I had left

*The flaring hoop-skirt had had its day, but complete coverage was still the fashion, woman's form being left to one's imagination.

*After a few weeks I decided to graduate myself to the life classes of Kenyon Cox and Carroll Beckwith on the floor above, and strangely enough, no one objected; I just walked in as if I belonged.

*Inspiration from my youthful partial knowledge of Dore's work had carried me a long way. But now I was becoming acquainted with the political and social satires of other leading graphic artists in England and France-Hogarth, Rowlandson, John Leech, George Cruikshank, John Tenniel, Daumier, and Steinlen, and all of these held important and increasing values for me.

*Journalism today is for the most part gentlemanly and decorous, in so far as the relations among newspapers in the big cities are concerned. But in that day the New York dailies openly assailed one another's actions and motives with all the contempt that lily-white citizens might express toward horse-thieves and road agents. Dana of the Sun and Pulitzer of the World fought a long feud, widely talked about, and the World and Herald frequently snarled at each other.

*Now and then I meandered into the heart of the East Side. Here was stark poverty, even worse than I had seen in the slums of Chicago. Great numbers of children played amid filth and debris in the narrow streets. Old people sat on doorsteps or moved listlessly along the walks. They seemed to have lost hope. Gangs of toughs congregated on corners. But looking at all this squalor I felt instinctively that most human beings did not prefer dirt to cleanliness, and they did not like stealing better than earning, nor a bad name better than a good one.

*I continued to read Harper's Weekly, following the work of W. A. Rogers therein (Nast had severed his connection with that periodical a couple of years earlier) ; and watched Life, Judge, and Puck. The latter contained topical cartoons, and editorial comment with many pages of drawings to illustrate what are known today as gags. The cartoons by Joseph Keppler, Bernard Gillam, Frederick Opper, and Zim were leading features. Puck, too, was agitating for civic virtue, and for the sending of bribe-taking aldermen to Sing Sing. But it viewed the Single Tax movement as akin to anarchy; had fought Henry George and his co-worker, the heroic Catholic, Father Edward McGlynn, when the former ran for mayor; and attacked Greenbackism as spelling national ruin. Frequently it ridiculed the United States Senate as a servant of the moneyed interests.

*Whatever the mixed social ideas I was thus absorbing, the lessons I gained from studying Keppler's drawings were valuable. He was less cumbersome than Nast, having that swing of line reminiscent of the early nineteenth century German draftsmen. Today, as one turns back to the pages of Puck in the years from 1870 to 1890, it will be seen that, though dated in subject, Keppler's pictures have an arresting quality of color and a spontaneity and layman. But for individuality, fun of something&quot;, Nast was pre-eminent.

*Although I knew that art schools could not make artists, I enjoyed the environment and the thought that I had an aim in life.

*Usually politics was my theme, varied now and then, on an off day, by some travesty on prevailing fads.

*in 1933, fifty-three years after the sweeping defeat of this movement which had reaped so much editorial and oratorical abuse, its supposed evil nature had been forgotten, and Congress voted for the payment of government bonds in currency, one of the demands of the Greenback convention in 1880. And in the intervening years other planks in the Greenback platform had been embodied in government policies or had been generally approved in principle.

*I have always been sensitive to competent oratory, and from that year to the present time have heard all kinds-most of it I would say, as one of Plutarch's noble Grecians or Romans put it, &quot;tall and lofty like a cypress tree, but bearing no fruit.&quot;

*The facts of the situation were slow in coming through, as they usually are in such situations, and the emphasis of the telegraphic reports was on &quot;labor rioting.&quot;

*It seems unbelievable at this distance that we assailed a candidate because he combed his hair the wrong way, but that is a part of the record of mud-slinging in American politics. And I was a participant on the front page of a leading newspaper (The Inter-Ocean).

*&quot;Almost every act of Altgeld's offended the capitalist powers of the state and nation,&quot; I recalled. &quot;He was an idealist, therefore an 'insane statesman.' He believed in the rights of labor, was a friend of common people, and showed his friendship by his deeds...&quot;I thought he must be a political Beelzebub because respectable, well-dressed people said so. I soon learned, however, that well-dressed, respectable judgement is not reliable; indeed, it is generally wrong.&quot;

*In that autumn of 1892 the Inter-Ocean made its big forward step. It had installed the first color press in the country, and began to print a colored supplement with its Sunday issue. In this Nast and I were presently appearing with full-page pictures, and it was gratifying to see my name featured in advertisements with that of the artist I had admired so much in the dream-days back on the farm.

*My world had grown small and shaky. I learned what ostracism means. Men and women whom I had counted as friends found it convenient to pass me on the street without speaking, or were brief and impersonal in their conversation. And often I felt that I was being pointed out as a treasonable being to be shunned as one would the plague.
**While facing a lawsuit

*The term &quot;Wobbly&quot;, said to have been fastened on the I. W. W. members in derision by a Los Angeles editor, had been adopted by them with enthusiasm.

*Editors of most of the magazines where I had long had entree also shied at my offerings. Sometimes they attempted to explain, but there was no need-it was obvious that they could not afford to continue using the work of one who was being prosecuted by the government on sedition charges. Thus I had difficulty in making a living. But there was one editor who stood by me-Jacob Marinoff, of the Big Stick, a Jewish humorous weekly, which also was under surveillance by the federal authorities.

*[[Bill Haywood]], head of the I.W.W., was on the witness stand four days; and no juror ever dozed in that time; for always the story he told, in answer to questions by Vanderveer, was moving and vital. Through those questions Big Bill, with his large one-eyed head, bulky body, and small hands which seldom gestured, sat there and traced his own life struggle-as a boy in the mines, as an organizer for the Western Federation of Miners in territory where that meant risking death from gun-men's bullets, as a defendant in the famous trial in Boise, when he was one of three accused of conspiracy to kill, and of killing, ex-Governor Steunenberg of Idaho with dynamite; of his helping to organize the Socialist Party, and later the Industrial Workers of the World; and of his part in many of the I.W.W. strikes andfree speech conflicts across the land.

*One week-end during that trial I went up to Monroe to see my folks. They made me feel at home as always, doing everything possible to insure my comfort. But I noticed that greetings from some of my old acquaintances around town lacked the warmth of the past. They talked with me nervously and seemed to be in a hurry, as if they might be open to criticism if they were seen tarrying with one who had been accused of disloyalty to his country.

*when I was a boy, and when he (my father) would say: &quot;You've got to think things out for yourself.&quot;

*July fourth brought a welcome holiday amid those hot sessions in Judge Landis's courtroom, and Jack Reed and I celebrated by going down to see Eugene Debs in Terre Haute, Indiana. Out on bail on a sedition charge, he was resting at home while awaiting trial. His wife greeted us at the door, and said he was in bed; he had &quot;not been well-not for a whole year.&quot; But he immediately got up, and the old fire that I knew came back into the eyes in that worn face as he shook hands with both of us at once.

*&quot;Chattel slavery has disappeared,&quot; [[Eugene Debs]] said. &quot;But we are not yet free. We are engaged in another mighty agitation today. It is as wide as the world. It is the rise of the toiling and producing masses, who are gradually becoming conscious of their interest, their powers, as a class, who are organizing industrially and economically, who are slowly but surely developing the economic and political power that is to set them free. They are still in the minority, but they have learned how to wait and to bide their time. It is because I happen to be in this minority that I stand in your presence today, charged with crime.&quot; Not one word of his speech in Canton did he take back or try to soften. Instead he re-asserted the right of any minority, or any individual, to speak out against war or any other act of a nation which that minority or individual believed wrong. The indictment charged Debs with utterances calculated to incite mutiny in the army, stirring up disloyalty to the government, obstructing the enlistment of soldiers, encouraging resistance to the United States of America, and promoting the cause of the enemy. Then sixty-three years old, Debs was found guilty and sent to Atlanta penitentiary to serve ten years.

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
[http://www.cartooningcapitalism.com/artyoung Cartooning Capitalism: Art Young]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Young, Art}}
[[Category:Cartoonists from the United States]]
[[Category:Socialists from the United States]]
[[Category:1866 births]]
[[Category:1943 deaths]]</text>
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    <title>Minions: The Rise of Gru</title>
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'''''{{w|Minions: The Rise of Gru}}''''', also known as '''''Minions 2: The Rise of Gru''''' or just simply '''''Minions 2''''', is a 2022 American 3D computer-animated comedy film and a sequel to ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015) in which a 12-year-old Gru tries to join a group of supervillains called the Vicious 6, but ends up with him and his Minions going on the run with them hot on their tails.

:''Directed by {{w|Kyle Balda}} and co-directed by Brad Ableson and Jonathan del Val. Written by Matthew Fogel.''

{{center|'''A villain will rise.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

{{film-stub}}

== Gru ==
* Distinguished villains, my name is Gru! I feel like I'm talking too loud, even though our proximity doesn't require this kind of volume!
* I'm pretty despicable. You don't want to cross me!
* Otto, take the stone back to the lair! I'll distract them.
* This kid just stole something from the worst villains in the world!
* Did you... just trade my future... for a pet rock?!
* Alright, alright, I’m not mini. Please stop calling me that.
* My minions will save me.
* Minions, assemble!
* My mom is right, you don't belong here! You're fired!
* I'm going to find the stone, and when I get home, you all better be gone!
* Otto, close your yapper!
* Obviously, you guys are rehired.
* Big boss! I like that!

== Belle Bottom ==
* You seriously think this puny, little child can be a villain?
* Come back when you've done something evil to impress me!
* He took the stone!
* Time to strike!
* Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. Now, where's Gru?
* Why don't we make this a fair fight? ''[laughs evilly]''

== Master Chow ==
* You like picking on little guys, huh? I am a master of Kung Fu.
* I will teach you.

== Taglines ==
* Brace yourself.
* A villain will rise.

==Cast==
* [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] — Gru
* [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] — The Minions
* [[Taraji P. Henson]] — Belle Bottom
* [[Michelle Yeoh]] — Master Chow
* [[Jean-Claude Van Damme]] — Jean-Clawed
* [[Lucy Lawless]] — Nun-Chuck
* [[Dolph Lundgren]] — Svengeance
* [[Danny Trejo]] — Stronghold
* [[Russell Brand]] — Dr. Nefario
* [[Julie Andrews]] — Marlena
* [[w:Alan Arkin|Alan Arkin]] — Wild Knuckles
* [[Will Arnett]] — Mr. Perkins
* [[Steve Coogan]] — Silas
* [[w:Jimmy O. Yang|Jimmy Yang]]&lt;br&gt;[[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]]&lt;br&gt;[[John DiMaggio]] — Wild Knuckles's Henchmen

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|5113044|Minions: The Rise of Gru}}

{{Despicable Me}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Prequel films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Criminal comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Martial arts films]]
[[Category:Airplane films]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]</text>
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    <title>Thor: Love and Thunder</title>
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'''''{{w|Thor: Love and Thunder}}'''''  is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] American superhero film featuring the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] [[w:Thor (Marvel Comics)|comic book character of the same name]]. It is the sequel to 2011's ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'', 2013's ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' and 2017's ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' and the 29th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). In the film, Thor attempts to find inner peace, but must return to action and recruit Valkyrie, Korg, and Jane Foster — who is now the Mighty Thor — to stop Gorr the God Butcher from eliminating all gods.
:''Directed by {{w|Taika Waititi}}. Written by Waititi and [[w:Jennifer Kaytin Robinson|Jennifer Kaytin Robinson]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''The one and only.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;
{{film-stub}}

== [[w:Thor (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Thor]] ==
* These hands were once used for battle. Now they're but humble tools for peace. I need to figure out exactly who I am. I want to choose my own path, live in the moment. My superhero-ing days are over.

* Eight years, seven months, and six days, give or take.

* Ah, you never forget your first.

== [[w:Gorr the God Butcher|Gorr the God Butcher]] ==
* Suffering for your gods is your only purpose.

* The only ones who gods care about is themselves.

* So this is my vow. All gods will die.

== [[w:Jane Foster|Jane Foster / Mighty Thor]] ==
* What's it been, like three, four years?

* It was just my first bad guy.

* I'll fight it my way.

* Keep your heart open.

== [[w:Valkyrie (Marvel Comics)|Valkyrie]] ==
* Mate, relax. We're on the same team. Team Jane.

* Am I, uh, sensing feelings?

== [[w:Korg (comics)|Korg]] ==
* Kids, get your popcorn out. Let me tell you the story of the space viking, Thor Odinson.

* He was no ordinary man. He was a god. After saving planet Earth for the 500th time, Thor set off on a new journey. He got in shape. He went from Dad Bod to God Bod. And after all that, he reclaimed his title as the one and only Thor.

* Ooh, spoke too soon!

* Skate mates for life.

* Just because he was done living doesn’t mean he was done fighting! 

== [[w:Zeus (Marvel Comics)|Zeus]] ==
* Let's see who you are. I take off your disguise. And flick!
* It used to be that being a god, it meant something. People would whisper your name, before sharing their deepest hopes and dreams. They begged you for mercy, without ever knowing if you were actually listening. Now, when they look to the sky, they don't ask us for lightning, they don't ask us for rain, they just want to see one of their so-called superheroes. When did we become the joke? No. No more. They will fear us again, when Thor Odinson falls from the sky. Do you understand me, Hercules? Do you understand me, my son?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Peter Quill''': Remember what I told you. If you ever feel lost, just look into the eyes of the people that you love.
:''[Thor looks into Star-Lord's eyes]''
:'''Peter Quill''': Not me!
:'''Thor''': What? Just listening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thor''': Technically, you have to actually die in the battle itself, to get to Valhalla.
:'''Sif''': Oh, shit!
:'''Thor''': Don't worry, your arm is probably in Valhalla.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorr the God Butcher''': You are not like the other gods I've killed.
:'''Thor''': 'Cause I have something worth fighting for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thor is in a cloak]''
:'''Zeus''': Let us see who you are. I take off your disguise... and flick!
:''[strips Thor naked, crowd gasps. the Olympian ladies faint at the sight of Thor.]''
:'''Korg''': Ohh!
:'''Thor''': You flicked too hard, damn it!
:'''Jane Foster''': Should we help him?
:'''Valkyrie''': I mean, eventually. Grape?
:'''Korg''': Oh, looks like a shy courgette.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zeus shoots his thunderbolt at Korg and blasts him to fragments]''
:'''Thor''': Korg!
:'''Korg''': [gasps] Thor! I’m perishing!
:''[Korg falls to pieces. Thor glares at Zeus.]''
:'''Thor''': '''ZEUS!'''
:''' Zeus''': You're next, Odinson!
:''[Zeus shoots his thunderbolt at Thor, but Thor catches it and hurls it back at Zeus]''
:'''Thor''': ''That'' is the sound of lightning!

== Taglines ==
* The one and only.

* The one is not the only.

* Not every god has a plan.

== Cast ==
* [[Chris Hemsworth]] - [[w:Thor (Marvel Comics)|Thor]]
* [[Christian Bale]] - [[w:Gorr the God Butcher|Gorr the God Butcher]]
* [[w:Tessa Thompson|Tessa Thompson]] - [[w:Valkyrie (Marvel Comics)|Valkyrie]]
* [[w:Jaimie Alexander|Jaimie Alexander]] - [[w:Sif (comics)|Sif]]
* [[w:Taika Waititi|Taika Waititi]] - [[w:Korg (comics)|Korg]]
* [[Russell Crowe]] - [[w:Zeus (Marcel Comics)|Zeus]]
* [[Natalie Portman]] - [[w:Jane Foster|Jane Foster / Mighty Thor]]
* [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] - [[w:Star-Lord|Peter Quill / Star-Lord]]
* [[w:Pom Klementieff|Pom Klementieff]] - [[w:Mantis (Marvel Comics)|Mantis]]
* [[Dave Bautista]] - [[w:Drax the Destroyer|Drax]]
* [[Karen Gillan]] - [[w:Nebula (comics)|Nebula]]
* [[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] - [[w:Groot|Groot]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Bradley Cooper|Bradley Cooper]] - [[w:Rocket Raccoon|Rocket]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=10648342|title=Thor: Love and Thunder}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Science fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films with gods]]
[[Category:Thor films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:LGBT-related films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]</text>
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    <title>Craig Murray</title>
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'''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

{{politics-stub}}

== Quotes ==
* Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection.
* There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern &quot;British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan&quot; Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}}
[[Category:1958 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:Scottish journalists]]</text>
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'''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

{{politics-stub}}

== Quotes ==
* Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection.
* There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern &quot;British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan&quot; Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}}
[[Category:1958 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:Scottish journalists]]</text>
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    <title>Arturo Alfonso Schomburg</title>
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'''[[w:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]]''' (January 24, 1874 – June 10, 1938), was a historian, writer, collector, and activist for equal rights. Schomburg was a [[w:Puerto Rican citizenship|Puerto Rican]] of African and German descent. He moved to the United States in 1891, where he researched and raised awareness of the contributions that [[w:Afro–Latin Americans|Afro-Latin Americans]] and [[w:African Americans|African Americans]] have made to society. He was an important intellectual figure in the [[w:Harlem Renaissance|Harlem Renaissance]]. Over the years, he collected literature, art, [[w:slave narratives|slave narratives]], and other materials of [[w:African history|African history]], which were purchased to become the basis of the [[w:Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture|Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture]], named in his honor, at the [[w:New York Public Library|New York Public Library]] (NYPL) branch in [[w:Harlem, New York|Harlem]].

== Quotes ==  

=== [https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/items/61304dd0-ea1f-0138-4343-0242ac110004''The Negro Digs Up His Past''] (1925) ===
* The American Negro must remake his past in order to make his future.

* Though it is orthodox to think of America as the one country where it is unnecessary to have a past, what is a luxury for the nation as a whole becomes a prime social necessity for the Negro. For him, a group tradition must supply compensation for persecution, and pride of race the antidote for prejudice. History must restore what slavery took away, for it is the social damage of slavery that the present generations must repair and offset. So among the rising democratic millions we find the Negro thinking more collectively, more retrospectively than the rest, and apt out of the very pressure of the present to become the most enthusiastic antiquarian of them all.

* Vindicating evidences of individual achievement have as a matter of fact been gathered and treasured for over a century: Abbé Gregoire's liberal-minded book on Negro notables in 1808 was the pioneer effort

* The Negro has been throughout the centuries of controversy an active collaborator, and often a pioneer, in the struggle for his own freedom and advancement.

* By virtue of their being regarded as something &quot;exceptional,&quot; even by friends and well-wishers, Negroes of attainment and genius have been unfairly disassociated from the group and group credit lost accordingly.

* With such crucial truths to document and establish, an ounce of fact is worth a pound of controversy

* Here among the rarities of early Negro Americana was Jupiter Hammon's Address to the Negroes of the State of New York, edition of 1787, with the first American Negro poet's famous &quot;If we should ever get to Heaven, we shall find nobody to reproach us for being black, or for being slaves.&quot; Here was Phyllis Wheatley's Mss. poem of 1767 addressed to the students of Harvard, her spirited encomiums upon George Washington and the Revolutionary Cause, and John Marrant's St. John's Day eulogy to the &quot;Brothers of African Lodge No. 459&quot; delivered at Boston in 1789. Here too were Lemuel Haynes' Vermont commentaries on the American Revolution and his learned sermons to his white congregation in Rutland, Vermont, and the sermons of the year 1808 by the Rev. Absalom Jones of St. Thomas Church, Philadelphia, and Peter Williams of St. Philip's, New York, pioneer Episcopal rectors who spoke out in daring and influential ways on the Abolition of the Slave Trade. Such things and many others are more than mere items of curiosity: they educate any receptive mind.

* Reinforcing these were still rarer items of Africana and foreign Negro interest, the volumes of Juan Latino,7 the best Latinist of Spain in the reign of Philip V, incumbent of the chair of Poetry at the University of Granada, and author of Poems printed there in 1573 and a book on the Escorials published 1576; the Latin and Dutch treatises of Jacobus Eliza Capitein, a native of West Coast Africa and graduate of the University of Leyden, Gustavus Vassa's celebrated autobiography that supplied so much of the evidence in 1796 for Granville Sharpe's attack on slavery in the British colonies, Julien Raymond's Paris exposé of the disabilities of the free people of color in the then (1791) French colony of Hayti, and Baron de Vastey's Cry of the Fatherland, the famous polemic by the secretary of Christophe that precipitated the Haytian struggle for independence. The cumulative effect of such evidences of scholarship and moral prowess is too weighty to be dismissed as exceptional.

* Already the Negro sees himself against a reclaimed background, in a perspective that will give pride and self-respect ample scope, and make history yield for him the same values that the treasured past of any people affords.

* But weightier surely than any evidence of individual talent and scholarship could ever be, is the evidence of important collaboration and significant pioneer initiative in social service and reform, in the efforts toward race emancipation, colonization and race betterment. From neglected and rust-spotted pages comes testimony to the black men and women who stood shoulder to shoulder in courage and zeal, and often on a parity of intelligence and talent, with their notable white benefactors. There was the already cited work of Vassa that aided so materially the efforts of Granville Sharpe, the record of Paul Cuffee,' the Negro colonization pioneer, associated so importantly with the establishment of Sierra Leone as a British colony for the occupancy of free people of color in West Africa; the dramatic and history-making exposé of John Baptist Phillips,2 African graduate of Edinburgh, who compelled through Lord Bathhurst in 1824 the enforcement of the articles of capitulation guaranteeing freedom to the blacks of Trinidad. There is the record of the pioneer colonization project of Rev. Daniel Coker in conducting a voyage of ninety expatriates to West Africa in 1820, of the missionary efforts of Samuel Crowther in Sierra Leone, first Anglican bishop of his diocese, and that of the work of John Russwurm, a leader in the work and foundation of the American Colonization Society.

* When we consider the facts, certain chapters of American history will have to be reopened. Just as black men were influential factors in the campaign against the slave trade, so they were among the earliest instigators of the abolition movement. Indeed there was a dangerous calm between the agitation for the suppression of the slave trade and the beginning of the campaign for emancipation. During that interval colored men were very influential in arousing the attention of public men who in turn aroused the conscience of the country. Continuously between 1808 and 1845, men like Prince Saunders, Peter Williams, Absalom Jones, Nathaniel Paul, and Bishops Varick and Richard Allen,³ the founders of the two wings of African Methodism, spoke out with force and initiative, and men like Denmark Vesey (1822), David Walker (1828) and Nat Turner (1831) advocated and organized schemes for direct action. This culminated in the generally ignored but important conventions of Free People of Color in New York, Philadelphia and other centers, whose platforms and efforts are to the Negro of as great significance as the nationally cherished memories of Faneuil and Independence Halls.' Then with Abolition comes the better documented and more recognized collaboration of Samuel R. Ward, William Wells Brown, Henry Highland Garnett, Martin Delany, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth,and Frederick Douglass with their great colleagues, Tappan, Phillips, Sumner, Mott, Stowe and Garrison.

* But even this latter groups who came within the limelight of national and international notice, and thus into open comparison with the best minds of their generation, the public too often regards as a group of inspired illiterates, eloquent echoes of their Abolitionist sponsors. For a true estimate of their ability and scholarship, however, one must go with the antiquarian to the files of the Anglo-African Magazine, where page by page comparisons be made. Their writings show Douglass, McCune Smith, Wells Brown, Delany, Wilmot Blyden and Alexander Crummell to have been as scholarly and versatile as any of the noted publicists with whom they were associated. All of them labored internationally in the cause of their fellows; to Scotland, England, France, Germany and Africa, they carried their brilliant offensive of debate and propaganda, and with this came instance upon instance of signal foreign recognition, from academic, scientific, public and official sources.

* After this great era of public interest and discussion, it was Alexander Crummell, who, with the reaction already setting in, first organized Negro brains defensively through the founding of the American Negro Academy in 1897 at Washington. A New York boy whose zeal for education had suffered a rude shock when refused admission to the Episcopal Seminary by Bishop Onderdonk, he had been befriended by John Jay and sent to Cambridge University, England, for his education and ordination. On his return, he was beset with the idea of promoting race scholarship, and the Academy was the final result. It has continued ever since to be one of the bulwarks of our intellectual life, though unfortunately its members have had to spend too much of their energy and effort answering detractors and disproving popular fallacies. Only gradually have the men of this group been able to work toward pure scholarship.

* Almost keeping pace with the work of scholarship has been the effort to popularize the results, and to place before Negro youth in the schools the true story of race vicissitude, struggle and accomplishment. So that quite largely now the ambition of Negro youth can be nourished on its own milk.

* The blatant Caucasian racialist with his theories and assumptions of race superiority and dominance has in turn bred his Ethiopian counterpart-the rash and rabid amateur who has glibly tried to prove half of the world's geniuses to have been Negroes and to trace the pedigree of nineteenth century Americans from the Queen of Sheba. But fortunately to-day there is on both sides of a really common cause less of the sand of controversy and more of the dust of digging.

* The bigotry of civilization which is the taproot of intellectual prejudice begins far back and must be corrected at its source. Fundamentally it has come about from that depreciation of Africa which has sprung up from ignorance of her true rôle and position in human history and the early development of culture. The Negro has been a man without a history because he has been considered a man without a worthy culture.

=== ''Racial integrity : a plea for the establishment of a chair of Negro history in our schools and colleges'' (1913) ===
* The modern school with its many books, but without systematic lectures, turns out many graduates who are lacking in retentiveness and no sooner than the sound of the words has left their teachers' lips, the subject been forgotten; and if they are called upon to explain the theme, it is reduced to an incomprehensible mass of meaningless words.

* We have chairs of almost everything, and believe we lack nothing, but we sadly need a chair of Negro history. The white institutions have their chair of history; it is the history of their people, and whenever the Negro is mentioned in the text-books it dwindles down to a footnote. The white scholar's mind and heart are fired because in the temple of learning he is told how on March 5, 1770, the Americans were able to beat the English; but to find Crispus Attucks it is necessary to go deep into special books. In the orations delivered at Bunker's Hill, Daniel Webster never mentioned the Negroes having done anything, and is silent about Peter Salem. In the account of the battle of Long Island City and around New York under Major-General Nathaniel Greene, no mention is made of the eight hundred Negro soldiers who imperiled their lives in the Revolutionary War. Cases can be shown right and left of such palpable omissions.

* Where is our historian to give us our side view and our chair of Negro history, to teach our people our own history? We are at the mercy of the &quot;flotsam and jetsam&quot; of the white writers. The very learned Rev. Alexander Crummell, before the American Negro Academy, stated that he heard J. C. Calhoun say that the inferiority of the Negro was so self-evident that he would not believe him human unless he could conjugate Greek verbs; and yet it must have been evident to Calhoun that in North Carolina there were many Negroes held as slaves who could read and write Arabic.¹ In those days men like Juan Latino, Amo, Capitein, Francis Williams, Rev. J. Pennington, and others could not only conjugate the Greek and Hebrew verbs, but had shown unmistakable evidences of learning, for they had received degrees from the universities of world-famed reputation. Yet in those days there were many whites unrestrained, enjoying the opportunities of education, who could not conjugate Greek roots nor verbs of the spoken language of the land. Yet this barrier was set up to persons restrained by force from the enjoyment of the most ordinary rights.

* We need in the coming dawn the man who will give us the background for our future; it matters not whether he comes from the cloisters of the university or from the rank and file of the fields. The Anglo-Saxon is effusive in his praises to the Saxon shepherds who lived on the banks of the river Elbe, to whom he pays blind allegiance. We need the historian and philosopher to give us with trenchant pen the story of our forefathers and let our soul and body, with phosphorescent light, brighten the chasm that separates us. When the fact has been put down in the scroll of time, that the Negroes of Africa smelted iron and tempered bronzes at the time Europe was wielding stone implements, that the use of letters was introduced among the savages of Europe about 1500 BC and the European carried them to America about the fifteenth century after the Christian era, that Phoenicia and Palestine will live forever in the memory of mankind since America as well as Europe has received letters from the one and religion from the other, we will feel prouder of the achievements of our sires. We must research diligently the annals of time and bring back from obscurity the dormant example of agriculture, industry, and commerce, upon these the arts and sciences and make common the battleground of our heritage.

=== ''Juan Latino'' (1913) ===
* The remark attributed to John C. Calhoun,' &quot;that the Negro race was so inferior it could not produce a single individual who could conjugate a Greek verb,&quot; was accepted half a century ago in this country as the last word on the subject of the inferiority of the Negro. Thomas Jefferson, one of the fathers of the revolution, and a friend of the Negro race, who was not so dogmatic as Calhoun, said: &quot;I think one (Negro) could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid: and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless and anomalous.... Never yet could I find that a black had uttered a thought above the level of plain narration; never saw even an elementary trait of painting or sculpture. ... Religion indeed, has produced a Phyllis Wheatley, but it could not produce a poet.&quot; So much for the American statesmen.

* In Europe we have had the historian Hume who said in one of his essays that &quot;there are Negro slaves dispersed all over Europe, of whom none ever discovered any symptoms of ingenuity.... In Jamaica, indeed, they talk of one Negro as a man of parts and learning; but it is likely he is admired for slender accomplishments, like a parrot who speaks a few words plainly.&quot;

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat}}
{{Wikisource author|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg}}
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20090207083811/http://nypl.org/research/sc/sc.html NYPL Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture]
* [https://nmaahc.si.edu/latinx/arturo-alfonso-schomburg National Museum of African American History &amp; Culture]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Schomburg, Arturo Alfonso}}

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[[Category:African Americans]]
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    <title>Andriy Kobolyev</title>
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'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

[[Category:Ukrainian politicians]]</text>
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'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

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      <text bytes="2635" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Andriy_Kobolyev.jpg|thumb|Andriy Kobolyev]]

'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

[[Category:Ukrainian politicians]]
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[[Category:1978 births]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2662" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Andriy_Kobolyev.jpg|thumb|Andriy Kobolyev]]

'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

[[Category:Ukrainian politicians]]
[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2690" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Andriy_Kobolyev.jpg|thumb|Andriy Kobolyev]]

'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==References==
{{Reflist}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

[[Category:Ukrainian politicians]]
[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>1p4pyexk2wtb5rdagz9hcmzu3jqpxv9</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153368</id>
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        <username>Shvili1962</username>
        <id>1656620</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* On Energy sanctions against Russia */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="2848" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Andriy_Kobolyev.jpg|thumb|Andriy Kobolyev]]

'''[[w:Andriy Kobolyev|Andriy Kobolyev]]''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company [[w:Naftogaz|Naftogaz]].

==Quotes ==
{{unreferenced}}
===On Energy sanctions against Russia===
* There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine.&lt;ref name=&quot;:8&quot;&gt;{{cite web| url=https://www.cnbc.com/id/101553956|title=Russia raises gas prices for Ukraine by 80%|website=[[CNBC]]|date=April 4, 2014}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently.

* Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.

* However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.

* The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long.

==References==
{{Reflist}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kobolyev, Andriy}}

[[Category:Ukrainian politicians]]
[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>David McCullough</title>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <comment>+ 7 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="2560" xml:space="preserve">[[File:McCullough I.jpg|thumb| I’ve never written a book where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long time that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to look closely enough.]]
'''[[w:David McCullough|David McCullough]]''' David Gaub McCullough ([[7 July]] [[1933]] – [[7 August]] [[2022]]) was an American author, narrator, popular historian, and lecturer. He was a two-time winner of the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award. In 2006, he was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom, one of the United States' highest civilian awards.
{{author-stub}} 
== Quotes ==

* Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t expect them to. Well, I imagine every writer of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the experience of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the puzzle fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly remote — though I’ve never written a book where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long time that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to look closely enough.
** As quoted in [https://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/894/the-art-of-biography-no-2-david-mccullough &quot;David McCullough, The Art of Biography No. 2&quot; by Elizabeth Gaffney &amp; Benjamin Ryder Howe, in ''The Paris Review'', Issue 152 (Fall 1999)]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://authors.simonandschuster.com/David-McCullough/938 David McCullough at Simon &amp; Schuster]
* [https://www.c-span.org/video/?167542-1/depth-david-mccullough ''In Depth'' interview with McCullough, December 2, 2001]
* {{IMDb name|0567184}}
* [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/Commentary/com-4_18_05_DM.html Speech Transcript: &quot;Knowing History and Knowing Who We Are&quot;] at Hillsdale College National Leadership Seminar on the topic, &quot;American History and America's Future.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:McCullough, David Gaub}}
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[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]
[[Category:Yale University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Pittsburgh]]
[[Category:National Book Award winners]]</text>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="1755" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)</text>
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      <text bytes="1823" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}</text>
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      <text bytes="1852" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

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      <text bytes="1875" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

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        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1900" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

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      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:1965 births]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1925" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:Filipinos]]
[[Category:Asian women]]
[[Category:1965 births]]</text>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1952" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:Filipinos]]
[[Category:Asian women]]
[[Category:1965 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <comment>tone down</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1762" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. Eduardo developed various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]]. Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:Filipinos]]
[[Category:Asian women]]
[[Category:1965 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <comment>/* External links */ {{Commons cat}}</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1778" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. Eduardo developed various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]]. Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:Filipinos]]
[[Category:Asian women]]
[[Category:1965 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2496" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]]
'''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. Eduardo developed various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]]. Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy.

== Quotes ==  
*I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day &quot;'Cherish each day'&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022)

*This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home &quot;PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021)

*I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road &quot;Alice &amp; Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021)

*I’m very hands-on with my projects and personally visit the sites. I often meet with my clients, my engineers, and my staff in the afternoon as well, but I always make sure to be home for dinner with my family.
**[https://www.tatlerasia.com/homes/home-tours/alice-eduardos-new-sanctuary &quot;Tatler Exclusive: A Tour Inside Alice Eduardo's New Home—Her 'Sanctuary of Peace'&quot; in ''Tatler''] (20 September 2021)

*I feel more fulfilled after I have accomplished something during difficult times. Challenges are really enablers for me.
**[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2020/07/17/2028464/words-tycoons-live-during-crisis &quot;Words tycoons live by during crisis&quot; in ''Philippine Star''] (17 July 2020)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eduardo, Alice}}

[[Category:Businesspeople]]
[[Category:Filipinos]]
[[Category:Asian women]]
[[Category:1965 births]]
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      <contributor>
        <username>Illegitimate Barrister</username>
        <id>549904</id>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida. {{Stub}} ==Quotes== *Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rigs. **[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records ==External links== *{{Official website}} [[Category:Food]]&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="421" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rigs.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food]]</text>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Illegitimate Barrister</username>
        <id>549904</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="422" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food]]</text>
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        <id>549904</id>
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      <text bytes="432" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food and drink]]</text>
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        <id>549904</id>
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      <text bytes="476" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="724" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking, he could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="729" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking, he could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Food and drink]]
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      <text bytes="726" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking, he could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Restaurants]]
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      <text bytes="726" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is an American-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking, he could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]
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      <text bytes="721" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is a U.S.-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking, he could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records
==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]
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        <id>549904</id>
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      <text bytes="722" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is a U.S.-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking: He could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), Shady Records

==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]
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        <username>Illegitimate Barrister</username>
        <id>549904</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="742" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Burger King|Burger King]]''' ('''BK''') is a U.S.-based multinational chain of hamburger fast food restaurants headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida.
{{Food-stub}}
==Quotes==
*[E]very single person is a Slim Shady lurking: He could be working at Burger King, spitting on your onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJO5HU_7_1w &quot;The Real Slim Shady&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP'' (2000), New York: Shady Records

*Went to Burger King; they spit on my onion rings.
**[[Eminem]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPFo-wgFT8 &quot;So Far...&quot;], ''The Marshall Mathers LP 2'' (2013), New York: Shady Records

==External links==
*{{Official website}}
[[Category:Companies of the United States]]
[[Category:Restaurants]]</text>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational [[Preschool|nursery school]] program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC.&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="211" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational [[Preschool|nursery school]] program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC.</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== References ==
{{Wikipedia}}


[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]


{{tv-stub}}</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== References ==
{{Wikipedia}}


[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Clun}}
* {{imdb title|tt3040470}}

[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}
* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/Mother Goose Club]
* {{imdb title|tt3040470}}

[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}

* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/Mother Goose Club]
* {{imdb title|tt3040470}}

[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}

* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/
* {{imdb title|tt3040470}}

[[Category:YouTube]]
[[Category:Children's television series]]
[[Category:Public Broadcasting Service]]
[[Category:Netflix]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}
* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/
* {{imdb title|tt3040470}}
[[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:YouTube channels]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
== Content ==
Each episode of ''Mother Goose Club'' contains multiple segments and follows a cast of six characters—Baa Baa Sheep, Eep the Mouse, Little Bo Peep, Jack B. Nimble, Mary Quite Contrary, and Teddy Bear—who sing and dance to a variety of nursery rhymes and original songs. The show also focuses on other early learning concepts such as letters, colors, and shape recognition.

== History ==
The ''Mother Goose Club'' YouTube channel also contains a number of shorter, song-only videos that feature cast members and other performers singing nursery rhymes. Additional content can be found on the ''Mother Goose Club'' mobile app in the form of songs, books, games, and videos&lt;ref name=&quot;Harvard2&quot; /&gt; and on Netflix in the form of a nursery rhyme compilation. and a Spanish-language version of the channel known as ''Mother Goose Club en Español''. As of 2020, Spotify content can also be found on Prime Video,

== Reception and awards ==
Across multiple channels on YouTube, ''Mother Goose Club'' has accumulated over 22 million subscribers and 21 billion views. Individual videos on its channels have also attained hundreds of millions of views. The show and its producer, Sockeye Media, have won or been nominated for numerous awards, including the following:
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
!Year
!Award
!Category
!Nominee
!Result
!{{Abbr|Ref.|References}}
|-
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |2012
| rowspan=&quot;3&quot; |[[26th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Set Design
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|
|-
|Best Informational/Instructional Program
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;One, Two, Buckle My Shoe&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Director/Program
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2012&quot; /&gt;
|-
|2014
|28th Midsouth Emmy Awards
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Bunny Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2016
|[[30th Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Children's Program
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|2018
|[[32nd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Director/Short Form
|John Hussey for ''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;A Day At The Beach&quot;| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;4&quot; |2019
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |[[33rd Midsouth Emmy Awards]]
|Best Informational/Instructional Series
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
|Best Interstitials
|''Mother Goose Club''| {{nom}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;|&lt;ref name=&quot;Emmy2018/19&quot; /&gt;
|-
| rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |2019 Telly Awards
|Online General-Education (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;The Alphabet Hip-Hop&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|-
|Online Craft-Use of Animation (Silver Winner)
|''Mother Goose Club'' episode &quot;ABC Dance With Me&quot;| {{won}}
! style=&quot;text-align:center;&quot;
|}

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}
* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/
[[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:YouTube channels]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational Preschool|nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
==Theme song==
:Everybody Let's Go Go Go Go Jump Up Wiggle and Giggle with The Mother Goose Club.
:I'm Teddy.
:I'm Eep.
:I'm Baa Baa Sheep.
:I'm Mary.
:I'm Jack.
:And I'm Little Bo Peep.
:'''Together''': Everybody Let's Go Go Go Go Sing a Song we all Sing Along with The Mother Goose Club The Mother Goose Club.

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}
* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/
[[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:YouTube channels]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mother Goose Club|Mother Goose Club]]''''' is an educational nursery school program that streams on its eponymous [[YouTube]] channel and is produced by Sockeye Media LLC. Its YouTube channel has more than 8 billion views and 7 million subscribers since 2009. Episodes of the program have also aired on [[PBS]] [[Television station|stations]]. It can also be seen on streaming platforms [[Netflix]], [[Amazon Prime Video]], and Tubi. The program is made up of a series of educational [[Live action|live-action]] and [[Animation|animated]] segments. It has a [[Cast member|cast]] of six [[Fictional character|characters]] who introduce classic nursery rhymes and other songs to children.
==Theme song==
:Everybody Let's Go Go Go Go Jump Up Wiggle and Giggle with The Mother Goose Club.
:I'm Teddy.
:I'm Eep.
:I'm Baa Baa Sheep.
:I'm Mary.
:I'm Jack.
:And I'm Little Bo Peep.
:'''Together''': Everybody Let's Go Go Go Go Sing a Song we all Sing Along with The Mother Goose Club The Mother Goose Club.

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Mother Goose Club}}
* [https://www.mothergooseclub.com/
[[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:YouTube channels]]</text>
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      <text bytes="465" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Peter Welch official photo.jpg|thumb|Peter Welch (2014)]]
[[w:Peter Welch|'''Peter Francis Welch''']] (born May 2, 1947) is an American attorney and politician serving as the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Vermont|Vermont]]'s [[w:Vermont's at-large congressional district|at-large congressional district]] since 2007. He is a member of the [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]].

{{political-stub}}</text>
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[[w:Peter Welch|'''Peter Francis Welch''']] (born May 2, 1947) is an American attorney and politician serving as the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Vermont|Vermont]]'s [[w:Vermont's at-large congressional district|at-large congressional district]] since 2007. He is a member of the [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]].

{{political-stub}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Peter Welch}}
{{commonscat|Peter Welch}}
* [http://welch.house.gov/ Congressman Peter Welch] official U.S. House website
* [https://welchforvermont.com/ Peter Welch for Vermont] campaign website

{{DEFAULTSORT:Welch, Peter}}
[[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Vermont]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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        <id>2968640</id>
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      <comment>Imported quote from [[Robert Mueller Testimony before House Intelligence Committee]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1774" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Peter Welch official photo.jpg|thumb|Peter Welch (2014)]]
[[w:Peter Welch|'''Peter Francis Welch''']] (born May 2, 1947) is an American attorney and politician serving as the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Vermont|Vermont]]'s [[w:Vermont's at-large congressional district|at-large congressional district]] since 2007. He is a member of the [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]].

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* [Y]ou made a... prosecutorial decision, that this would not rise to proof beyond a reasonable doubt, but I ask if you share my concern...[H]ave we established a new normal from this past campaign that is going to apply to future campaigns, so that if any one of us running for the U.S. House, any candidate for the U.S. Senate, any candidate for the Presidency of the United States, aware that if a hostile foreign power is trying to influence an election, has no duty to report that to the FBI or other authorities?
** Asked of Robert Mueller during his [[Robert Mueller Testimony before House Intelligence Committee|testimony before the House Intelligence Committee]] [https://www.c-span.org/video/?462629-1/robert-mueller-testifies-house-intelligence-committee&amp;start=7840 2:10:40]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Peter Welch}}
{{commonscat|Peter Welch}}
* [http://welch.house.gov/ Congressman Peter Welch] official U.S. House website
* [https://welchforvermont.com/ Peter Welch for Vermont] campaign website

{{DEFAULTSORT:Welch, Peter}}
[[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Vermont]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1778" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Peter Welch official photo.jpg|thumb|Peter Welch (2014)]]
[[w:Peter Welch|'''Peter Francis Welch''']] (born May 2, 1947) is an American attorney and politician serving as the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Vermont|Vermont]]'s [[w:Vermont's at-large congressional district|at-large congressional district]] since 2007. He is a member of the [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]].

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* [Y]ou made a... prosecutorial decision, that this would not rise to proof beyond a reasonable doubt, but I ask if you share my concern...[H]ave we established a new normal from this past campaign that is going to apply to future campaigns, so that if any one of us running for the U.S. House, any candidate for the U.S. Senate, any candidate for the Presidency of the United States, aware that if a hostile foreign power is trying to influence an election, has no duty to report that to the FBI or other authorities?
** Asked of [[Robert Mueller]] during his [[Robert Mueller Testimony before House Intelligence Committee|testimony before the House Intelligence Committee]] [https://www.c-span.org/video/?462629-1/robert-mueller-testifies-house-intelligence-committee&amp;start=7840 2:10:40]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Peter Welch}}
{{commonscat|Peter Welch}}
* [http://welch.house.gov/ Congressman Peter Welch] official U.S. House website
* [https://welchforvermont.com/ Peter Welch for Vermont] campaign website

{{DEFAULTSORT:Welch, Peter}}
[[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Vermont]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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        <id>2968640</id>
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      <text bytes="1779" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Peter Welch official photo.jpg|thumb|Peter Welch (2014)]]
[[w:Peter Welch|'''Peter Francis Welch''']] (born May 2, 1947) is an American attorney and politician serving as the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Vermont|Vermont]]'s [[w:Vermont's at-large congressional district|at-large congressional district]] since 2007. He is a member of the [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]].

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* [Y]ou made a... prosecutorial decision, that this would not rise to proof beyond a reasonable doubt, but I ask if you share my concern...[H]ave we established a new normal from this past campaign that is going to apply to future campaigns, so that if any one of us running for the U.S. House, any candidate for the U.S. Senate, any candidate for the Presidency of the United States, aware that if a hostile foreign power is trying to influence an election, has no duty to report that to the FBI or other authorities?
** Asked of [[Robert Mueller]] during his [[Robert Mueller Testimony before House Intelligence Committee|testimony before the House Intelligence Committee]], [https://www.c-span.org/video/?462629-1/robert-mueller-testifies-house-intelligence-committee&amp;start=7840 2:10:40]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Peter Welch}}
{{commonscat|Peter Welch}}
* [http://welch.house.gov/ Congressman Peter Welch] official U.S. House website
* [https://welchforvermont.com/ Peter Welch for Vermont] campaign website

{{DEFAULTSORT:Welch, Peter}}
[[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Vermont]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Correlli Barnett</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.  ==Quotes== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggr...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="16179" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}}
[[Category:1927 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Biographers]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]]
[[Category:Historians from England]]</text>
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      <text bytes="20378" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}}
[[Category:1927 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Biographers]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]]
[[Category:Historians from England]]</text>
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      <text bytes="21820" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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      <text bytes="26190" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of it dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
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      <text bytes="27647" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of it dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a &quot;natural&quot; condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of &quot;peace&quot; and &quot;war&quot;. Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind
**''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
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      <text bytes="27648" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a &quot;natural&quot; condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of &quot;peace&quot; and &quot;war&quot;. Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind
**''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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      <text bytes="27654" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a &quot;natural&quot; condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of &quot;peace&quot; and &quot;war&quot;. Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind
**''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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      <text bytes="27678" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a &quot;natural&quot; condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of &quot;peace&quot; and &quot;war&quot;. Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind
**''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on law wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}}
[[Category:1927 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]]
[[Category:Historians from England]]</text>
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      <text bytes="27678" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war &quot;[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]&quot;.

==Quotes==
*The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by  which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 118

*For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 178

*Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as &quot;respectable&quot; in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change.
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), pp. 180-181

*[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. 
**''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963), p. 360

*The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a &quot;natural&quot; condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of &quot;peace&quot; and &quot;war&quot;. Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind
**''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii

*In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 20

*[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 21

*As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: &quot;The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics.&quot;
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 24

*For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 50

*Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of &quot;immoral&quot; forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play &quot;[[w:Power politics|power politics]]&quot;. This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities.
**''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972), p. 242

*In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius?
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation.
**''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 94

*It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and &quot;works&quot;.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 188

*Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a &quot;practical-man&quot; master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), p. 189

*[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British &quot;coolies&quot; came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, &quot;Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills.&quot; In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as &quot;giving y'self airs&quot;, quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War.
**''The Audit of War: The Illusion and Reality of Britain as a Great Nation'' (1986; 2001), pp. 190-191

*[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests.
**Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999),  p. 43

*[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts &quot;war&quot;, or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of &quot;absolute&quot; or [[w:Total war|&quot;total&quot; war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for &quot;peace&quot; after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting &quot;war&quot; on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) &quot;to compel our opponent to fulfil our will&quot;. Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their &quot;continuation of politics by other means&quot; the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. 
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

*That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.&lt;br&gt;What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a &quot;world order&quot; or a &quot;world community&quot;, and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now.
**'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998)

==Quotes about Correlli Barnett==
*Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] nationalism. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power.
**[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986)

==External links==
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Bellagio|Bellagio]]'''  is a comune (municipality) located on Lake Como, in front of [[Lierna]].  == Quotes == * Just think, I had seen the Bellagio Hotel in [[Las Vegas]]  before the real one! We Americans have the myth of Bellagio. The reality then far exceeds the replica. It's magic. ** [[Justine Mattera]]   == External links == {{wikipedia}}  [[Category:Cities in Europe| ]]&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="387" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Bellagio|Bellagio]]'''  is a comune (municipality) located on Lake Como, in front of [[Lierna]].

== Quotes ==
* Just think, I had seen the Bellagio Hotel in [[Las Vegas]]  before the real one! We Americans have the myth of Bellagio. The reality then far exceeds the replica. It's magic.
** [[Justine Mattera]] 

== External links ==
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[[Category:Cities in Europe| ]]</text>
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      <text bytes="692" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Bellagio|Bellagio]]'''  is a comune (municipality) located on Lake Como, in front of [[Lierna]].

== Quotes ==
* Just think, I had seen the Bellagio Hotel in [[Las Vegas]]  before the real one! We Americans have the myth of Bellagio. The reality then far exceeds the replica. It's magic.
** [[Justine Mattera]] 
** ''[https://primacomo.it/cronaca/justine-mattera-a-bellagio-altro-che-il-resort-di-las-vegas-la-realta-supera-di-gran-lunga-la-replica/?refresh_ce Justine Mattera a Bellagio: &quot;Altro che il resort di Las Vegas, la realtà supera di gran lunga la replica&quot;]'', Interview ''primacomo.it'', 04 August 2020}}

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[[Category:Cities in Europe| ]]</text>
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      <text bytes="689" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Bellagio|Bellagio]]'''  is a comune (municipality) located on Lake Como, in front of [[Lierna]].

== Quotes ==
* Just think, I had seen the Bellagio Hotel in [[Las Vegas]]  before the real one! We Americans have the myth of Bellagio. The reality then far exceeds the replica. It's magic.
** [[Justine Mattera]], ''[https://primacomo.it/cronaca/justine-mattera-a-bellagio-altro-che-il-resort-di-las-vegas-la-realta-supera-di-gran-lunga-la-replica/?refresh_ce Justine Mattera a Bellagio: &quot;Altro che il resort di Las Vegas, la realtà supera di gran lunga la replica&quot;]'', Interview ''primacomo.it'', 04 August 2020}}

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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot; | align=center | [[File:Do everything you can for us to withstand together in this war for our freedom and independence - address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy. (51977034742) (cropped).jpg|292px]] | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|]]. &lt;br /&gt; [...&quot;</comment>
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| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting [[peace]] in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its [[military]] base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against [[Ukraine]] and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its [[liberation]]. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the [[necessary]] components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]]. The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. …&lt;!--  We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers. … the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt;  --&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; Eternal glory to all who fight for freedom! &lt;br /&gt; Glory to Ukraine!
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|444px]]
|}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153401</id>
      <parentid>3153400</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:18:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
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      <text bytes="2893" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Do everything you can for us to withstand together in this war for our freedom and independence - address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy. (51977034742) (cropped).jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting [[peace]] in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its [[military]] base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against [[Ukraine]] and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its [[liberation]]. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the [[necessary]] components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]]. The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. …&lt;!--  We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers. … the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt;  --&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; Eternal glory to all who fight for [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; Glory to Ukraine!
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|444px]]
|}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153402</id>
      <parentid>3153401</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:19:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2901" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Do everything you can for us to withstand together in this war for our freedom and independence - address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy. (51977034742) (cropped).jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting [[peace]] in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its [[military]] base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against [[Ukraine]] and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its [[liberation]]. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the [[necessary]] components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]]. The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. …&lt;!--  We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers. … the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt;  --&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; [[Eternal]] [[glory]] to all who fight for [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; Glory to Ukraine!
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|444px]]
|}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153403</id>
      <parentid>3153402</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T00:20:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="2905" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Do everything you can for us to withstand together in this war for our freedom and independence - address by President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy. (51977034742) (cropped).jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We will not forget that the [[w:Russo-Ukrainian War|Russian war against Ukraine]] began with the [[occupation]] of [[w:Crimea|Crimea]]. &lt;br /&gt; [[Russia]] has turned our peninsula, which has always been and will be one of the best places in [[Europe]], into one of the most [[dangerous]] places in Europe. Russia brought large-scale repression, environmental problems, economic hopelessness and [[war]] to Crimea. … The presence of Russian occupiers in Crimea is a threat to the entire Europe and to global stability. The Black Sea region cannot be safe as long as Crimea is occupied. There will be no stable and lasting [[peace]] in many countries on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea as long as Russia is able to use our peninsula as its [[military]] base. &lt;br /&gt; This Russian war against [[Ukraine]] and against the entire free Europe began with Crimea and must end with Crimea — with its [[liberation]]. Today it is impossible to say when this will happen. But we are constantly adding the [[necessary]] components to the formula of liberation of Crimea. … The history of the global response to Russia's seizure of Crimea, or rather the lack of such a response, is now one of the best arguments for strengthening [[w:International sanctions during the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|sanctions against Russia]]. The [[world]] is beginning to recognize that it made a mistake in 2014 when it decided not to respond with full force to Russia's first [[aggressive]] steps. …&lt;!--  We are preparing new solutions for the protection and assistance in the realization of the rights of the indigenous peoples of Ukraine. We are also preparing programs for the economic recovery of our Crimea after its liberation from the occupiers. … the main thing is to support the Armed Forces of Ukraine, our intelligence and everyone who is fighting to liberate our land and repel the Russian colonial invasion. &lt;br /&gt;  --&gt; From the [[w:Kharkiv Oblast|Kharkiv region]] to [[w:Kherson|Kherson]], from [[w:Donetsk|Donetsk]] to [[w:Enerhodar|Enerhodar]], from [[w: Stanytsia Luhanska|Stanytsia Luhanska]] to [[w:Yalta|Yalta]], from [[w:Berdiansk|Berdyansk]] to [[w:Novofedorivka|Novofedorivka]] — these are all parts of our country, this is Ukraine, which will be completely free. … I thank everyone who defends Ukraine! &lt;br /&gt; [[Eternal]] [[glory]] to all who fight for [[freedom]]! &lt;br /&gt; ''Glory to Ukraine!''
| author = Volodymyr Zelenskyy
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Russian Naval Aviation aircraft at Novofedorovka airbase (2).jpg|444px]]
|}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Stanislao Cannizzaro</title>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153426</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:46:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>92086</id>
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      <comment>Created Page for Stanislao Cannizzaro</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="2115" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Stanislao Cannizzaro|Stanislao Cannizzaro]]''' (13 July 1826 – 10 May 1910) was an Italian chemist.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;
*There is, indeed, nothing surprising in this necessity for a hypothesis to assist us in the comprehension of laws. '''It often happens that the mind of a person who is heading a new science, has to pass through all the phases which the science itself has exhibited in its historic evolution.''' In the teaching of astronomy, for example, we may, to a certain point, follow step by step the ascending road of induction, because that science itself travelled over the same road in its history, Kepler’s laws having, indeed, been discovered before they were interpreted and bound together in a single conception by the theory of gravitation. 
**S. Cannizzaro, ''Considerations on some Points of the Theoretic Teaching of Chemistry'', J. Chem. Soc., 25, 941-967 (1872).

== Quotes about Cannizzaro ==
*Cannizzaro felt very passionately that the history of chemistry needed to be in the minds of his students. In a beautiful essay on the teaching of chemistry, he described how he introduced his pupils to its study by 'endeavouring to place them…on the same level with the contemporaries of Lavoisier,' so that they might experience, as Lavoisier's contemporaries did, the full revolutionary force, the wonder of his thought; and then a few years ahead, so that they could experience the sudden, blinding illumination of Dalton.
:'It often happens,' Cannizzaro concluded, 'that the mind of a person who is learning a new science, has to pass through all the phases which the science itself has exhibited in its historical evolution.' Cannizarro's words had a powerful resonance for me, because I, too, in a way, was living through, recapitulating, the history of chemistry in myself, rediscovering all the phases through which it had passed.
:*[[Oliver Sacks]], in ''[[w:Uncle Tungsten|Uncle Tungsten: Memories of a Chemical Boyhood]]''
{{DEFAULTSORT:Cannizzaro, Stanislao}}
[[Category:Chemists]]
[[Category:Italians]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153427</id>
      <parentid>3153426</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T02:47:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Wesleyneo</username>
        <id>92086</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2116" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Stanislao Cannizzaro|Stanislao Cannizzaro]]''' (13 July 1826 – 10 May 1910) was an Italian chemist.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;
*There is, indeed, nothing surprising in this necessity for a hypothesis to assist us in the comprehension of laws. '''It often happens that the mind of a person who is learning a new science, has to pass through all the phases which the science itself has exhibited in its historic evolution.''' In the teaching of astronomy, for example, we may, to a certain point, follow step by step the ascending road of induction, because that science itself travelled over the same road in its history, Kepler’s laws having, indeed, been discovered before they were interpreted and bound together in a single conception by the theory of gravitation. 
**S. Cannizzaro, ''Considerations on some Points of the Theoretic Teaching of Chemistry'', J. Chem. Soc., 25, 941-967 (1872).

== Quotes about Cannizzaro ==
*Cannizzaro felt very passionately that the history of chemistry needed to be in the minds of his students. In a beautiful essay on the teaching of chemistry, he described how he introduced his pupils to its study by 'endeavouring to place them…on the same level with the contemporaries of Lavoisier,' so that they might experience, as Lavoisier's contemporaries did, the full revolutionary force, the wonder of his thought; and then a few years ahead, so that they could experience the sudden, blinding illumination of Dalton.
:'It often happens,' Cannizzaro concluded, 'that the mind of a person who is learning a new science, has to pass through all the phases which the science itself has exhibited in its historical evolution.' Cannizarro's words had a powerful resonance for me, because I, too, in a way, was living through, recapitulating, the history of chemistry in myself, rediscovering all the phases through which it had passed.
:*[[Oliver Sacks]], in ''[[w:Uncle Tungsten|Uncle Tungsten: Memories of a Chemical Boyhood]]''
{{DEFAULTSORT:Cannizzaro, Stanislao}}
[[Category:Chemists]]
[[Category:Italians]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Vladimír Fekete</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>250010</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153429</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T03:00:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Vladimír Fekete|]]''' (August 1955 –) is a Slovak prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the Apostolic Prefect of [[w:Apostolic Prefecture of Azerbaijan|]].  == Quotes ==  * I am confident that we all should strive in this direction: preserving our own identity, be ready and able to accept and positively assess the wealth of other nations and other religions. In this regard, Azerbaijan is a positive example for other countries. ** [https://apa.az/en/xeber...&quot;</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="947" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Vladimír Fekete|Vladimír Fekete]]''' (August 1955 –) is a Slovak prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the Apostolic Prefect of [[w:Apostolic Prefecture of Azerbaijan|Apostolic Prefecture of Azerbaijan]].

== Quotes ==

* I am confident that we all should strive in this direction: preserving our own identity, be ready and able to accept and positively assess the wealth of other nations and other religions. In this regard, Azerbaijan is a positive example for other countries.
** [https://apa.az/en/xeber/azerbaijan_religion_news/vladimir-fekete-the-vatican-and-azerbaijan-enjoy-a-high-level-of-relationships-interview-288471 Vladimir Fekete: The Vatican and Azerbaijan enjoy a high-level of relationships - INTERVIEW (12 July 2019) ''APA News Agency'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Fekete, Vladimír}}
[[Category:1955 births]]
[[Category:Roman Catholics]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Hi-5 (American TV Series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>250012</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153474</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:07:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:601:1400:23B0:F0A4:A48F:EBAC:715</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the...&quot;</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10769" xml:space="preserve">'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From Fun Machines [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.</text>
      <sha1>jgx5sg14gtwsf56rekvzwq4t4ptg52n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153477</id>
      <parentid>3153474</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:08:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:601:1400:23B0:F0A4:A48F:EBAC:715</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12990" xml:space="preserve">'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From ''Fun Machines'' [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Hi! I’m going on an adventure today, all the way to Mexico.
* I’m going to climb a pyramid called; The Temple of the Sun!
* Looks like this. See?
* The pyramid’s made of steps so you can climb to the very top.
* Hey - Why don’t you come?

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* I made a compass so we know which way to go.
* This arrow moves around and points to the direction we’re going.
* East, north, west, or south, so we won’t get lost.
* The arrow’s pointing south, so let’s head south.
* Alright. I’m ready to search for the temple of the sun. Let’s go!
* Oh! Strange place to keep these!
* An adventurer might trip over them.
* Better straighten them up.
* Aha! I’ve just had an idea!
* These cushions look a little like stone blocks.
* They can be the stone blocks of the temple.
* Well, kind of spongy soft stone blocks.
* I’m gonna make a pyramid.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* (gasps)
* Look! I think we found the pyramid! Look!
* The Temple of the Sun!
* Wow. It’s huge!
* Well, pretty huge.
* Adventurers, are you ready to climb?!
* Then let’s go!
* This could be a little tricky.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Oh! We did it!
* We climbed to the top of the Temple of the Sun!
* Ooh. Boy.
* That was a big climb.
* I think I need a little rest.
* See you on the next adventure.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.</text>
      <sha1>b78op4np8gsivnqysn02l6gobq001zq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153480</id>
      <parentid>3153477</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T05:36:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:601:1400:23B0:F0A4:A48F:EBAC:715</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15576" xml:space="preserve">'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From ''Fun Machines'' [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Hi! I’m going on an adventure today, all the way to Mexico.
* I’m going to climb a pyramid called; The Temple of the Sun!
* Looks like this. See?
* The pyramid’s made of steps so you can climb to the very top.
* Hey - Why don’t you come?

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* I made a compass so we know which way to go.
* This arrow moves around and points to the direction we’re going.
* East, north, west, or south, so we won’t get lost.
* The arrow’s pointing south, so let’s head south.
* Alright. I’m ready to search for the temple of the sun. Let’s go!
* Oh! Strange place to keep these!
* An adventurer might trip over them.
* Better straighten them up.
* Aha! I’ve just had an idea!
* These cushions look a little like stone blocks.
* They can be the stone blocks of the temple.
* Well, kind of spongy soft stone blocks.
* I’m gonna make a pyramid.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* (gasps)
* Look! I think we found the pyramid! Look!
* The Temple of the Sun!
* Wow. It’s huge!
* Well, pretty huge.
* Adventurers, are you ready to climb?!
* Then let’s go!
* This could be a little tricky.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Oh! We did it!
* We climbed to the top of the Temple of the Sun!
* Ooh. Boy.
* That was a big climb.
* I think I need a little rest.
* See you on the next adventure.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.

==Sharing Stories==
===From ''Touching'' [1:01]===
* Guess what? I'm reading the story today.
* Once upon a time, there was a circus.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Now this circus was a bit different to any other circus you might have seen
* There is a juggler...
* Oh... Except I can't juggle
* There is also a clown...
* Hi, I'm the clown... I'm not very funny
* Then there was a tightrope-walker.
* Please don't make me go up there!
* I was scared of heights.
* Have I told you about the unicyclist?
* You'll never guess!
* CHATS: Yep.
* Well, I can't ride a bike with only one wheel, why can't I ride a bike with two wheels?!
* Just one more person to introduce; the ringmaster.
* Now a ringmaster is very important because they call everyone to the circus, like this: Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* Oh, is that how you do it?
* Yep. Come on, you can do it!
* [STAMMERS] Step right up... The circus is about to begin.
* Well, you can see the trouble with this circus, it's just not very good.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* One night, after the show had finished and everyone had gone home, something very surprising happened.
* Whoa!
* What are you doing here?!
* I was about to ask you the same question.
* I was just juggling.
* I didn't know you could juggle.
* I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
* Just at that moment, something else amazing happened.
* [LAUGHS] What are you doing all the way up there?
* Well, I'm walking the tightrope, and I've been practicing, and I'm actually very good.
* Wow, you're fantastic.
* Now that's a funny clown!
* Then something yippidy-dippity-yip-yahoo-y happened!
* Great work, Chats!
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* I'm just clowning around!
* I always wanted to be a clown.
* I never did like being a tightrope walker.
* But I love it up here.
* [LAUGHS]
* And I can't ride that bike with one wheel.
* Not like you can.
* So the circus that wasn't very good became the circus that was fantastic. Because everyone had found something that they could do really well.
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Thanks, Chats. That was fantastic.

* Would you mind doing one more thing for me, please?
* Sure, Chats what would you like?
* Can you sing me a song?

* Yeah!</text>
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